# Incels: here's the only dating advice you need to listen to (Not actually a parody)



## daleks_exterminate (Jul 22, 2013)

Fwiw I'm 4 years older than my so. 4 (really 3 1/2) and I've gotten so many ridiculous cougar jokes and comments. We met when he was an adult, and he's more mature than I am anyway. People are weird. I've dated dudes older than me and I'd never heard those comments then. Also, it's specifically when someone finds out. It's not like I look older than him. As proof of that, @deafcrossfitter who doesn't like women so wouldn't be biased that way added me on snap and thought I was 5 years younger than I am because "I look 27". Pif is 28. People are weird.

The only time I've really noticed our age difference is when I realized his oldest sister is around my age.... And she's a full responsible adult wtf 🤣. That's more of a self judgement though.


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## Hexigoon (Mar 12, 2018)




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## Squirt (Jun 2, 2017)

daleks_exterminate said:


> Fwiw I'm 4 years older than my so. 4 (really 3 1/2) and I've gotten so many ridiculous cougar jokes and comments. We met when he was an adult, and he's more mature than I am anyway. People are weird. I've dated dudes older than me and I'd never heard those comments then. Also, it's specifically when someone finds out. It's not like I look older than him. As proof of that, @deafcrossfitter who doesn't like women so wouldn't be biased that way added me on snap and thought I was 5 years younger than I am because "I look 27". Pif is 28. People are weird.
> 
> The only time I've really noticed our age difference is when I realized his oldest sister is around my age.... And she's a full responsible adult wtf 🤣. That's more of a self judgement though.


Unless you’re under 18, that isn’t much of an age difference, though. Interesting how it is still on people’s minds enough to make jokes.


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## ENTJudgement (Oct 6, 2013)

Squirt said:


> Unless you’re under 18, that isn’t much of an age difference, though. Interesting how it is still on people’s minds enough to make jokes.


Society expects that the husband is older than the wife but when the wife is older, it's abnormal even if its only by a few years.
My ex and I when we were dating in the office had an age gap of 6 yrs where she was 6 yrs my senior and in a higher position. 
All her colleagues who knew were teasing her saying how I was her boy toy and how she was a cougar going after young guys but had it been reversed, noone would of commented at all about the age diff.


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## Squirt (Jun 2, 2017)

ENTJudgement said:


> Society expects that the husband is older than the wife but when the wife is older, it's abnormal even if its only by a few years.
> My ex and I when we were dating in the office had an age gap of 6 yrs where she was 6 yrs my senior and in a higher position.
> All her colleagues who knew were teasing her saying how I was her boy toy and how she was a cougar going after young guys but had it been reversed, noone would of commented at all about the age diff.


What I'm gathering is people will comment on anything and everything. 🤷‍♀️


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## SgtPepper (Nov 22, 2016)

Older man with a younger woman is _more_ controversial? Since when? 3rd-wave feminism?


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

Squirt said:


> What I'm gathering is people will comment on anything and everything. 🤷‍♀️


Yeah...I think this is true. And like back in the day when we lived in smaller communities it might be reasonable to consider everything everyone will ever say...like if you have some small group you need to learn to get along in. (like as cave men)

But I don't know if that's possible anymore.

This is sort of off-topic, but it's been something I've been thinking about regarding the internet, everyone's opinion, not giving a fuck etc. But I think you are right--people will, if you listen to enough people, take issue with anything.

With the older woman/younger man thing, there's not even a clear reason why--I think it's just unusual and uncommon and so people just regard it with suspicion. Or because it doesn't match the ideal in their head or reflect how they value other people. But people will still act on it, which puts stress on these relationships, when no one needs that extra stress--but you can't control people, gossip, and nosiness I guess.


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## letsrunlikecrazy (Sep 21, 2015)

Yes, they probably actually do need to be doused with something wholesome and Canadian, preferably featuring lumberjacks.

jk but not really. I dislike when people are down on themselves about being undateable or go all dating coach on others, because they are all missing the point.

Another person will not make you happy. Hitting dat pussay will not make your low self-esteem or depression go away. It might make you feel good for a little bit, but after that it's up to your brain to regulate itself.

Sure, part of the reason you feel bad may be loneliness, but it's usually not the only reason. Even if it is the main external factor causing your mental state, you can find ways to cope better so that it's not as debilitating.

I believe in you, incels.


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## deafcrossfitter (Nov 30, 2019)

WHAT HAPPENED WHILE I WAS GONE


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## Squirt (Jun 2, 2017)

deafcrossfitter said:


> WHAT HAPPENED WHILE I WAS GONE


I dunno about other folks, but tbh I’m tired of hearing all these opinions about incels on this forum where no incels even (openly) participate, and was happy to derail the thread when the opportunity arose. Thanks @ENFPathetic

Back to the regularly scheduled programming, I guess.


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## daleks_exterminate (Jul 22, 2013)

Squirt said:


> I dunno about other folks, but tbh I’m tired of hearing all these opinions about incels on this forum where no incels even (openly) participate, and was happy to derail the thread when the opportunity arose. Thanks @ENFPathetic
> 
> Back to the regularly scheduled programming, I guess.



This advice stands for literally anyone who is an outcast for any reason though. It's a great show. I just took a page from the daily mail and went click bait title.

You make a fair point, though. Currently anyway.


There was moment we were flooded with them but many were banned for unrelated or slightly related things like severe sexism (as in genuinely advocating for women to not be allowed to vote, own property, or choose a partner etc) or calling for genocide or telling people who have mentioned having a different ethnicity partner that their kids are insert whatever racial slur. While not having an interest about personality typing. This isn't to say that i think someone could identify this way/feel this way and not be racist or sexist or whatever....it's just the ones we had move over after a few other forums banned them for that sort of thing.


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## ENFPathetic (Apr 3, 2018)

Squirt said:


> What was that famous quote about how the more you know the more you realize what you don't know? Experience can also lead to more humility - which is a bit of another form of healthy confidence. I've also learned through experience that I'm not good at some things, lol. So, confident in the _in_ability. Again, it likely comes back to consequences. When you helped students by turning lessons into games, it shows how something like play is low stakes and there is less expectation for severe consequences for failure. If a baby was yelled at or punished for making a mistake while learning to walk, for instance, that baby would become pretty fearful (and after a while, defense mechanisms like jealously and rage would develop along with low self-esteem).


That makes a lot of sense. Wow. Thanks for sharing the insight.



Squirt said:


> Possibly. What about older men and younger women? That is more controversial, for some reason. As young women are innocent angels corrupted by perverts, or something.


It's similar. I don't care about controversy too much. People are stupid and have a tendency to get emotionally charged over things they don't even understand.

What makes a bad minded pervert dangerous are his intentions. Not his age. There's nothing inherently wrong with older men and women.



Squirt said:


> I'd argue it is important as a consideration. There are many different types of relationships possible, of course, but folks should at least be aware of how the dynamic affects them if they're going to make good decisions about their relationships.


I think that weight class only matters if two people plan on fighting/competing. But if two people of different weight classes are attracted to each other, why couldn't they simply get together and satisfy desires to fight or compete with other people of their own weight class? Is there an important reason why one must fight and compete specifically with their significant other? Is it even sustainable? What happens when one of the two grows faster than the other?

This only seems to matter in relationships involving people who see relationships as something you take from rather than something you contribute to. In my opinion people like that have no business being in a relationship to begin with. They're the kind of people who will remind their partner of who pays the bills during an argument. Because to them the bills they pay are not a contribution to the home but rather a fee they pay in order to have a bigger voice in the relationship.



Squirt said:


> No, but I married one. An older one. He's "taught" me how to Fi more effectively over the last decade.


Ah, ok. The way you provoke thoughts reminded me of an infp I know.


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## ENFPathetic (Apr 3, 2018)

Squirt said:


> I dunno about other folks, but tbh I’m tired of hearing all these opinions about incels on this forum where no incels even (openly) participate, and was happy to derail the thread when the opportunity arose. Thanks @ENFPathetic
> 
> Back to the regularly scheduled programming, I guess.


Hmm. I feel used. Lol


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## mimesis (Apr 10, 2012)

WickerDeer said:


> I think this is why hollywood celebs almost always date other celebs, and it's kind of sick if you look at it because who someone dates is such a personal thing, but society and people have no embarrassment about casting their judgments onto celebrity couples and getting into their business. I think that this stress happens to regular couples to a smaller degree.


From what I understand, celebrities tend to gravitate to one another because they are also used to, or can relate to everything that comes with fame, like virtually a lack of privacy or anonimity. But I guess what you write is an example of that. What I mean apparently this can be something hard to cope with for the partner, which I can imagine if you don't have that aspiration for that kind of attention. (And if you do but aren't as much succesful, that's perhaps even harder?)


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## Squirt (Jun 2, 2017)

ENFPathetic said:


> It's similar. I don't care about controversy too much. People are stupid and have a tendency to get emotionally charged over things they don't even understand.


That's an understatement. The tendency to blow a situation out of proportion due to erroneous assumptions/generalizations and because details are filled in with imagination is a pretty common thinking trap, even for "smart" people. I'll admit I can fall prey to that as well, sometimes having a little too much imagination and making incorrect generalizations, although I try to at least recognize it when I'm going down that road, regardless of if it is emotionally charged or not. It takes quite a bit of care not to fall into those traps and shortcuts, to know when they are acceptable and when they'll pose real problems. 



ENFPathetic said:


> What makes a bad minded pervert dangerous are his intentions. Not his age. There's nothing inherently wrong with older men and women.


Agreed. The weirdest one I got was a client in his 70s who was showing stalkerish tendencies because I was polite and made conversation with him a couple times. Ironically, in that case I made the mistake of assuming there would be _no _weird intentions because of his age. I found out his ex-wife and (adult) children had a restraining order against him. Had to shut that one down quickly.



ENFPathetic said:


> I think that weight class only matters if two people plan on fighting/competing. But if two people of different weight classes are attracted to each other, why couldn't they simply get together and satisfy desires to fight or compete with other people of their own weight class? Is there an important reason why one must fight and compete specifically with their significant other? Is it even sustainable? What happens when one of the two grows faster than the other?


This metaphor.  I love it. Some relationships seem to thrive on a certain kind of "sparring" that is fairly innocent. I've seen it a few times, though it isn't my particular preference.



ENFPathetic said:


> This only seems to matter in relationships involving people who see relationships as something you take from rather than something you contribute to. In my opinion people like that have no business being in a relationship to begin with. They're the kind of people who will remind their partner of who pays the bills during an argument. Because to them the bills they pay are not a contribution to the home but rather a fee they pay in order to have a bigger voice in the relationship.


I agree that mindset is toxic.


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## wimbledublin (Jan 9, 2022)

incels don;t get it.
i don;t have sympathy or tolerance for them.
nobody is owed sex.
it's more a symptom of the Gen Z "everybody wins" phenomenon. 
Some resilience in life is good, and needed.
it's the same logic as uni safe spaces - no, you don't need a safe space if a person who is anti-abortion is coming to your institution to give a talk.


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