# Not sure what to do with mutual "friends" who keep in contact with my ex-best-friend



## theflame (Apr 12, 2014)

*Not sure what to do with mutual "friends" who keep in contact with my ex-best-friend*

I've been having a hard time trying to figure out what I should do with "mutual" so-called "friends" who still keep in contact more with my ex-best friend than they do me. I hate sounding like a child making people choose sides, but honestly, all our lives since middle school and high school they all know she was never really a good friend to me, and yet they will always hang out with her more than me. She was the type of "friend" I had made a thread about that she always has to be the one to have everything and if anyone is even remotely better than her in anything, she tries to take that away.

Although these "mutual" people didn't do anything to me and she didn't do anything to those mutual people, they also don't do anything for me either. 

These are people who want to act like they're "good" friends to me. If all they wanted to be was an acquaintance, then they should have said so and I wouldn't have expected anything more than what acquaintances are: people who catch up with each other from time to time. Since they wanted to play like they are "good" friends to me I expect a "good" friend to stick up for someone when someone's bullying someone, not befriending the bully.

I had deleted some of them before giving them a warning that if they didn't start being the "good" friend they want to say they are, I'll delete them, and they noticed I had defriended them and they added me back. That was a clue to them that if they don't start becoming the "good" friends that they say they are, I'll just keep them as an acquaintance. 

These mutual "friends" know what she did to me because I vent about it on Facebook. I say I don't like that it still bothers me when she doesn't give a damn what she did to me. I really feel like it's because these mutual people who are tied to her and me are the reason why it's still bothering me. If I got rid of these mutual people and her altogether, I feel I would be free.

I don't need her to apologize to me because I know she's not going to mean it anyway so I have to try to forget it on my own but I can't because of these mutual people who take their time to keep in contact with her more than they catch up with me.

If it was she who did this to said mutual friends, I would have stuck up for them.

Should I stop befriending the mutual company as well that keeps in contact with her more? They want to say they're "good" friends to me but they aren't acting like it. They never did anything as severe as she did, but I felt they aren't playing their part.


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## izebize (Jan 31, 2012)

You can't make people like or dislike someone. If they are still attracted to your ex-best friend, you can't expect them to drop her just because you want them to. If you feel like these people aren't your friends anyways, you can stop contacting them.


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## theflame (Apr 12, 2014)

izebize said:


> You can't make people like or dislike someone. If they are still attracted to your ex-best friend, you can't expect them to drop her just because you want them to. If you feel like these people aren't your friends anyways, you can stop contacting them.


I haven't contacted them but whenever they talk to me they wanna claim they are my "good" friends even though they don't act like it. I just can't see how someone can still be a friend to me while talking to her more and not keeping in touch with me. If they wanted to be mutual they should reach out to both people equally then I wouldn't care. The fact that they ask her to hang out more than they ask me to hang out bugs me a lot, especially when these people wanna claim they're my "good" friends. They sound more like acquaintances.


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## Dashing (Sep 19, 2011)

Call them to hang out at your place more, that way you can control who goes in. Your friends are just going with what is easiest. Make it easy. ^.^

You could easily ostracize _that guy_ if you take control of the situation.


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## Scrabbletray (Apr 27, 2014)

I don't see why mutual friends should be forced to choose between you and this other individual. From the way it sounds you're almost lucky they DON'T choose because it sounds like they would choose her over you. Obviously I don't know what happened between you two, but just because you "vent on Facebook" doesn't mean you're right. I'm sure she has a point of view too and they are considering both points of view as well as everything else they know about you two. Even if you are right and she is wrong in this instance that doesn't make her the devil and mean she doesn't deserve to have any friends. Everyone screws up in life and maybe you would just be better off forgetting what happened and trying to move on. I know that is way easier said than done, but losing more friends over this isn't going to make it better.



thelostxin said:


> I had deleted some of them before giving them a warning that if they didn't start being the "good" friend they want to say they are, I'll delete them, and they noticed I had defriended them and they added me back. That was a clue to them that if they don't start becoming the "good" friends that they say they are, I'll just keep them as an acquaintance.


TBH, this paragraph just sort of makes you sound like a sociopath. The fact you think you can control who other people like and force them to not like someone just because you don't like them all seems pretty far off base.


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## theflame (Apr 12, 2014)

a1b2c3d4 said:


> I don't see why mutual friends should be forced to choose between you and this other individual. From the way it sounds you're almost lucky they DON'T choose because it sounds like they would choose her over you. Obviously I don't know what happened between you two, but just because you "vent on Facebook" doesn't mean you're right. I'm sure she has a point of view too and they are considering both points of view as well as everything else they know about you two. Even if you are right and she is wrong in this instance that doesn't make her the devil and mean she doesn't deserve to have any friends. Everyone screws up in life and maybe you would just be better off forgetting what happened and trying to move on. I know that is way easier said than done, but losing more friends over this isn't going to make it better.
> 
> 
> 
> TBH, this paragraph just sort of makes you sound like a sociopath. The fact you think you can control who other people like and force them to not like someone just because you don't like them all seems pretty far off base.


That's right you don't know the whole story. If it was as "little" as you think it is, I wouldn't give two craps if they're still friends with her. The fact is, she did huge things to me that I shouldn't have even forgiven her for because no sane person would have forgiven her if it was them. The only insane thing about me is the fact how I've constantly forgiven people who don't deserve to be forgiven. That's the only psychotic thing about is why I would even forgive these two-faced freaks.

They've already chosen, and that's why I wanna delete their asses because they make more efforts contacting that bitch than they do me even though THEY know the whole story.

Her side of view is this: She doesn't defend people when they're in trouble but she expects people to be there for her when she's in need. She's the type of person who takes and doesn't give. It's no loss for me if they choose either. That entire crowd are all fakes. I'm just deciding whether or not I want to be civil with them or let it be known that I don't approve of their choices.

Like I said, if they wanted to be acquaintances to me, that's all they had to say and I wouldn't expect them to do shit. A real friend doesn't befriend someone who's bullying someone.

Do you really think if what she did to me is as "little" as you think, I would even care if they're still friends with her? No. The fact of the matter is, like I said, everyone knows she's always been a shit friend to me since the beginning of time, even my family sees it and always asks me why I still wanted to be her friend because SHE doesn't deserve ME. You need to get that right before you get your assessment across that I'm a friend that's by a friend's side when they're being bullied. I don't believe in playing nice with the enemies, especially if they can't be reasoned with.

Everyone's always told me a friend like me is few and far between and I'll be damned if you think you're going to get away with calling me a sociopath for standing up to them.


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## theflame (Apr 12, 2014)

Also to make a long story short this is what happened: When the bitch was being threatened by someone who was going to beat her up, I was there front and center telling her attacker to back off if they know what's good for her (IE I could have landed myself in the hospital and put my life on the line for that ungrateful SOB). 

When I was the one being attacked, that coward was laughing it up with the enemies leaving me standing alone and looking stupid to be scarred if they decided to punch. Tell me again how I'm a "sociopath" and that there is a side to her story that you should pity. The only side to her story that you should pity is the fact that she doesn't know a good friend when she sees one. The ironic thing about this girl she'd always complain to me about other people doing bad things to her but the one person who never did anything to her she treats the most like shit. She's still friends with the people who ditched her but the one friend who never ditched her she I supposedly guess isn't worth it to put her own life on the line even though I did that for her.

This is a blessing in disguise though. I needed to stop being friends with all of them. I went the extra mile for those scum bags and they didn't do the same in return so I don't know why I'm still mad about it.


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## Scrabbletray (Apr 27, 2014)

I'm not saying you need to go up to her and say, "I forgive you", I'm just saying you need to let go of all of this hate. If that means that you stop being friends with all of these people then so be it, but I don't think you can really say they are all assholes just because they don't support you. It kind of sounds like you just kept doing stuff for someone who you knew didn't care and wouldn't help you back. I think the common phrase is, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on ME". Some of the things you describe are pretty normal though. A person wanting to get a lot from a friendship without giving a lot is pretty standard, especially since the way you describe the "friendship" it makes it sound more like you got friendzoned and kept trying to give when you should have known full well that you wouldn't have gotten anything back.


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## theflame (Apr 12, 2014)

And she's about as vain, and unhumble-like as a person can get. Ever since she became more fit, she's become stuck on herself. She thinks the world revolves around her always posting statuses like "she's a big deal hot shot fake celebrity" Oh, God. Her latest facebook picture is of her and someone commented that it looked like it was the cover of a Vogue magazine. I rolled my eyes. When I had a professional photo shoot for my college graduation pics, she was like jealous of it or something because she made fun of my pose even though there was nothing to be made fun of in it and I got a lot of likes for it.

I highly doubt if she were her former fat self would all the hunky guys she gets now be all over her. She used to be fat and homely and forgot where she came from. You'd think this transformation would turn her into a better person because of the struggle with her weight loss. No, it didn't. It made her into a vain, self-absorbed, self-centered maniac.


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## theflame (Apr 12, 2014)

And that's not even half of what she did, either. She tattled on me to my parents and we're all 28-years-old and she's going to tell on me to my parents for "stalking" and "harassing" her. I'm like bitch you deserve it for being such a shitty friend. She's lucky I came out of those fights with no scars and hits but if I had landed in the hospital because she didn't defend me, I would have gotten out of the hospital and pulverized her ass myself after I healed if that would have happened, but because no damage happened to me, she brushes this off as nothing. Wonder what she would have thought of herself if damages such as broken legs and broken body parts would have came of it.

I kept texting her what an ungrateful coward she was leaving a friend hanging. She also put my dad in a vulnerable position at his work because she told on me during work hours. They work on the same campus and his office people found out about this bull shit and I thought it was stupid that he could get into trouble for it when it had nothing to do with him. That bitch could have costed my dad his job but luckily she showed her true colors and eventually the people at his work could see she is the one that brought it upon herself for being such a shitty ass friend.

After she called me a "stalker" to my parents, I'm done forgiving that fat ass. I know who she is and she can fool everyone else on Facebook but she's not fooling me.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

I think you need some new friends.


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## theflame (Apr 12, 2014)

tanstaafl28 said:


> I think you need some new friends.


True that. I'm glad I've been finally meeting some decent new friends around here. Finally have more neighbors that like to talk. I used to live around neighbors that kept to themselves. Luckily these new ones that moved in like to actually hang out as friends too and more than just neighbors.

I've been venting about that fake girl this whole night. I'm not going to lie, though. Damn, it felt good! Lol. Given the severity of what she did, if you or anyone else were in this situation would you still want to be "friends" with people who hang out with us but separately? I also would feel like it's a hassle to not invite one or the other so we won't end up running into each other at mutual gatherings so I may as well not be friends with any of them, that way I won't feel ditched anymore since they seem to choose her for more outings than me.


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## Coburn (Sep 3, 2010)

They've chosen not to break ties with her. That's their decision.

If it bothers you, end your ties with them. You're only going to make yourself unhappy holding out hope that they'll suddenly "see the light" and side with you. 

I say this as someone who has been in your shoes before.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

thelostxin said:


> True that. I'm glad I've been finally meeting some decent new friends around here. Finally have more neighbors that like to talk. I used to live around neighbors that kept to themselves. Luckily these new ones that moved in like to actually hang out as friends too and more than just neighbors.


That's great! Hopefully there's not a whole lot of drama going on. 



> I've been venting about that fake girl this whole night. I'm not going to lie, though. Damn, it felt good! Lol. Given the severity of what she did, if you or anyone else were in this situation would you still want to be "friends" with people who hang out with us but separately? I also would feel like it's a hassle to not invite one or the other so we won't end up running into each other at mutual gatherings so I may as well not be friends with any of them, that way I won't feel ditched anymore since they seem to choose her for more outings than me.


This might seem obvious, but don't vent to your new friends about your ex friends. Enjoy their company for what it is.


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## NeonPinkDot (Apr 14, 2013)

To be honest I think you shouldn't make them/ask them to choose. Doing that will just bring out more drama and create new fights between your friends. If they still want to be friends with her there is nothing you can do, its their decision. What you can do is make new friends (which you have, and that's great) and move on to a new stage of your life. Retreating from your old friends will show you which of them are your "truer" friends as they will most probably keep in contact with you, and make an effort. One day, when this event is over, there might be a point where you miss those friends dearly (even as surreal or impossible as it seems now) so I don't think you should end your friendship with them "violently" or even permanently. Just retreating or distancing yourself from them at the moment might be all you need to recover. You might need those friends in the future, especially if you have known them for a long time. 

I know this idea seems ludicrous but problems always seem impossible to get over, and that certain friendships must end in order for it to get better but the truth is those fights usually simmer down and you may regret the way you handled it. 

I also speak from the view point of a similar experience


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## theflame (Apr 12, 2014)

NeonPinkDot said:


> To be honest I think you shouldn't make them/ask them to choose. Doing that will just bring out more drama and create new fights between your friends. If they still want to be friends with her there is nothing you can do, its their decision. What you can do is make new friends (which you have, and that's great) and move on to a new stage of your life. Retreating from your old friends will show you which of them are your "truer" friends as they will most probably keep in contact with you, and make an effort. One day, when this event is over, there might be a point where you miss those friends dearly (even as surreal or impossible as it seems now) so I don't think you should end your friendship with them "violently" or even permanently. Just retreating or distancing yourself from them at the moment might be all you need to recover. You might need those friends in the future, especially if you have known them for a long time.
> 
> I know this idea seems ludicrous but problems always seem impossible to get over, and that certain friendships must end in order for it to get better but the truth is those fights usually simmer down and you may regret the way you handled it.
> 
> I also speak from the view point of a similar experience


Thank you for your kind words but I don't think I will need anything from those "mutual" friends or her. They never stuck up for me when I needed them to the most even though I always defended them. I always treated them the way I wanted to be treated but they never did the same back. They don't go the extra mile for people. I'm thinking about just ignoring the mutual friends right along with her so hopefully there won't be any drama.


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## bluekitdon (Dec 19, 2012)

Wow...drama. Don't make people choose sides is my thought. People can be friends with multiple people even if those people disagree with each other. Most of the time when that happens though my experience is that they will agree with her when they are with her and with you when they are with you because it's just easier and they probably see a little of both sides of the story. It's best to leave the 3rd party out of discussions for that reason. If you can't handle that then find new friends.


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## theflame (Apr 12, 2014)

bluekitdon said:


> Wow...drama. Don't make people choose sides is my thought. People can be friends with multiple people even if those people disagree with each other. Most of the time when that happens though my experience is that they will agree with her when they are with her and with you when they are with you because it's just easier and they probably see a little of both sides of the story. It's best to leave the 3rd party out of discussions for that reason. If you can't handle that then find new friends.


They don't even agree with me. They completely ignore what she did and act like we're all still cool. It's sick how they even talk about old times as if we're all still hanging out when they know very well I despise her very being. They don't catch up with me anyway so they've chosen their sides, they talk to her more without saying to me they've chosen her side. They don't even talk to me to agree with me when they're "with" me because they never bother to reach out to me.

I deleted the last of those people. I don't need two faced people in my life. If they can't learn to be mutual, when they hang out with bad people, I consider them to also be a bad person. Had they stuck up for me and asked her why she did what she did, then I'd consider them to be "mutual" but they clearly aren't and no you can never be mutual. Secretly, they will always like one side more than the other even if they don't say it, their actions speak louder.


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## Pucca (Jun 13, 2012)

Well, perhaps you're done with all of them, but if you had hope to continue relationships, I would have suggested you block the ex-best friend so that you couldn't see what she was doing or planning with the mutual friends. Perhaps you could have then focused on building and maintaining the friendships instead of staying stuck in past hurt. /twocents


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## Scrabbletray (Apr 27, 2014)

Ugh, I'm having a similar sort of problem with friends being really shitty. There's this girl I used to talk to who has a restraining order against me and so I had to stop talking to a lot of friends who I thought were still talking to her. The thing is I've made it clear to all of my friends that if they talk to her they can't talk to me and yet people still constantly bring up that they've talked to her recently which is literally dangerous to me because it puts me at risk legally. Also, they are always bringing her up to me which is bad for my progress to try and get over her, but even worse because if they are talking about her to me then they might be talking about me to her which again puts me at legal risk. It just feels like such BS that I have to lose all of my friends because of her, but also it's BS my friends think this is all just interesting drama and don't realize how much it hurts both me and her to bring it up.


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## theflame (Apr 12, 2014)

Pucca said:


> Well, perhaps you're done with all of them, but if you had hope to continue relationships, I would have suggested you block the ex-best friend so that you couldn't see what she was doing or planning with the mutual friends. Perhaps you could have then focused on building and maintaining the friendships instead of staying stuck in past hurt. /twocents


What sucks about these "mutual" friends is that they all live near me 5 to 10 minutes away in the same neighborhood and they know I have a hard time making trustworthy friends and they're not helping the cause when they don't stick up for me.

I think after I made a status that said, "Those who don't listen to me must be assholes, stuck up vain people just like her because real friends would listen to what I have to say about someone and I'd listen to someone as well if it was the other way around. If a mutual friend of mine was very hurt by someone we all hung out with, I would have been there for him/her, not ignore it and pretend we're all still friends. That's what fake friends do. I feel like they ignore things to try to make the problem go away but that just makes it worse.

A real friend of mine said we don't need those people as friends since they can't appreciate a good friend when they have one.

I keep saying to those mutual friends to where they can see on my page: if they were in my shoes they'd want someone to listen to them about a fake two-faced girl, so why don't they listen when someone needs them for a friend, yet they ignore her bad traits, which really outweigh her good traits.

Yes, I admit she was there when I needed $50 and I paid her back. She was there for me when I had real bad depression and she took me to my parents house for them to talk to me, but at the same time, she also caused more pain than helped me. She was not there for me when it counted the most, when my life was in danger when people were threatening me and I could have gotten a few broken bones had the fight gotten that far all on the count of her cause to defend her.

She also ruined several of my friendships. Before they met her, people cared to ask me to hang out. It's like she competes with me for people's attention and she can't stand when I get more attention than her with some people so in the end she steals my friends away from me but she did me a favor though, if those mutual friends would rather kiss her ass than be a real friend to me, I say good riddance right along with her.


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