# How to ignore someone who constantly complains?



## Children Of The Bad Revolution (Oct 8, 2013)

My brother who still lives with me in my parents house has been a constant complainer since I could remember. This happens as soon as he wakes up in the morning; he'll find something to complain about almost instantaneously. It's extremely stressful to constantly have to listen to this. I feel it sucks the life out of me to listen to someone who has hate for a lot of things and people. I'm just wondering if anyone else has parents or siblings like this and how they cope with it?

I mean, even if they don't live with you but you have to be around them sometimes, how would you deal with that? I know when some families get together for things like Christmas, they can clash. 

Even when I try to ignore him, or say something 'Stop' or 'Don't get so angry' etc, he keeps going on and shouts and gets very angry and it makes me upset, to the point of almost crying because it stresses me out so much. I can't imagine having a non-stressful family life, it sucks. It's always been this way and I'm totally fed up now.

I have no money to move out, so that's not an option. At least not yet. But :angry: it's a vicious circle and I think he may be bipolar. I have no idea how to go about helping or if he even wants any help. I don't think he does. So, help?


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## Volant (Oct 5, 2013)

Try interjecting firm, positive comments over/after his negative ones. For example-

Him: I hate this stupid cold weather. It's always cold here. I hate it!
You: Ah, man, just because we are cold in body doesn't mean we're cold in heart. 
Him: Hmph, the price of petrol is outrageous! Who can afford to buy anything nowadays?
You: It is expensive, isn't it? But walking is free, gives us exercise, and gets the blood flowing. Want to go for a walk?
Him: Why? So we can break our legs on the ice?
You: Nah, we'd stay off the sidewalks. Hey, we could go ice-skating, that sounds fun!
Him: I hate ice. I'm a horrible ice-skater.
You: Everybody needs practice. I need practice, anyway. Let's go.
Him: But the rented skates are rubbish.
You: Well, if we get there now, we'll get good pairs. 
Him: But-
You: We'll stop and get hot chocolate afterwards. Whaddya say?
Him: Who's paying?
You: Me, silly, of course.
Him: Well, I suppose. But I'm only going for the free hot chocolate.
You: Of course. Now let's go.

Choose to love your brother unconditionally while simultaneously snuffing out all his reasons to complain. Find the silver lining in everything he complains about, but don't be Pollyanna-ish. Just simply point out something good about a bad situation and don't go overboard. If worst comes to worst, playfully challenge him. Say, "I'll bet you that you won't be able to not complain today." When he gets all upset, say, "See? I already won. Come on, man, let's do this challenge together. That was just a practice round. Look, if you can get through one day of not complaining or making tiresome remarks about every bad thing, I'll buy you dinner/do some activity with you that you won't be able to pass up." Then, if he gets through a day without complaining, praise his efforts and comment on the smile on his face, and if he's not wearing one, put on a big smile of your own and say that yours covers his this one time, winking at him.


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## yyzena (Nov 17, 2013)

My sympathies to you for having to deal with this ... not having the option to move out is incredibly frustrating.

My father in law is like this ... he starts out with one tiny thing and gets himself all worked up and then its a verbal assault on everyone present. The first time I witnessed this, I was mortified, I actually feared for my safety. After a few years, I just told my husband that I was not going to be having a relationship with his father (or mother, who enabled the father's behavior). I completely cut them out of my life .. no talking, no visits, no gifts at holidays etc ... 

I have also done this with other people in my life who are being overly negative/hurtful/abusive.

To me, respect is number one. If you respect me, I will give you my very best. 

Sometimes, people have bad days, and they unload. This is understandable.

But when there's a pattern, you must protect yourself.

Remember, you are not obligated to have a relationship with anyone, family or not.

I have a theory .. with the world as overpopulated as it is, there's no reason to surround ourselves with assholes.

There's some helpful tips in this article .... it's a excerpt from the book "Psychic Vampires" by Joe Slate

Psychic Vampires


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## masquerader (Dec 23, 2013)

My brother does that too, I've found that it's mostly out of him feeling neglected. When he doesn't feel like he is getting his fair share of attention in nearly any social setting, he starts complaining. If we ignore him, he becomes extremely upset, even violent sometimes. The best way to deal with my brother is to let him know that we heard him, and are in fact paying attention to him, but without enabling him to complain more. I usually do this by manipulating the topic to something I know he enjoys, and wouldn't complain about. Things like his favorite music group, or ROTC stuff. Hope this helps and that things improve!

-M


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## superbundle (Nov 29, 2012)

isingthebodyelectric said:


> My brother who still lives with me in my parents house has been a constant complainer since I could remember. This happens as soon as he wakes up in the morning; he'll find something to complain about almost instantaneously. It's extremely stressful to constantly have to listen to this. I feel it sucks the life out of me to listen to someone who has hate for a lot of things and people. I'm just wondering if anyone else has parents or siblings like this and how they cope with it?
> 
> I mean, even if they don't live with you but you have to be around them sometimes, how would you deal with that? I know when some families get together for things like Christmas, they can clash.
> 
> ...


Don't play his complaining game. Buy ear plugs. 

My mother does the same thing. They're extremely emotionally draining. And well, I learned the hard way, there's no changing them, there's only changing how you respond. Start setting boundaries. If he starts during dinner for example, tell him how you feel and say what you will do, i.e. "I don't appreciate your negativity, and I will walk away from this table until you're done." or maybe, "I won't be having dinner with you until you calm down." Then you can set a different time to have dinner. Come up with a strategy until you can move out.


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## Word Dispenser (May 18, 2012)

Volant said:


> Try interjecting firm, positive comments over/after his negative ones. For example-
> 
> Him: I hate this stupid cold weather. It's always cold here. I hate it!
> You: Ah, man, just because we are cold in body doesn't mean we're cold in heart.
> ...


Urgh. I wish that tactic actually worked with the worst cases.

It works most times, though.

Extreme pessimism is a tough nut to crack... Especially when they crack holes in your attempts to get them to see things from another perspective.

Consider: They can't sleep, they have trouble eating, they have aches and pains because of this, they have an injury on top of that that keeps getting worse because they can't sleep, can't exercise to make the muscle stronger so it feels better, they can't even read or do the relaxing things they'd like, because they're so stressed out. Their home environment only changes when they go for a walk, and soon they won't even be able to do that. Everything wrong is connected and integrated in such a way that they have to wait for something to change, which won't happen for what seems like a very long time, so they continue to get worse in all aspects of health.

I dunno if _this_ situation is like that, but against a wall of complaints which sound completely justified, one has a difficult time coming up with ways to make things look better to the other person.


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## sinshred (Dec 1, 2013)

Cut the crap. Give him a punch at the face!
Men shouldn't complain, sissy do.


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## Children Of The Bad Revolution (Oct 8, 2013)

sinshred said:


> Cut the crap. Give him a punch at the face!
> Men shouldn't complain, sissy do.


Why shouldn't men complain?

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## PowerShell (Feb 3, 2013)

If it's your brother and not someone like your parents just tell him to either shut the f*ck up and do something about it or suck it up. Tell him his constant b*tching is getting old and to grow a pair and deal with it as opposed to just complaining about it.


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## Psychophant (Nov 29, 2013)

sinshred said:


> Cut the crap. Give him a punch at the face!
> Men shouldn't complain, sissy do.


Hey, speak for yourself... On topic though, it's obviously counter productive to do nothing but complain to others, and it brings everyone down, so I'd try to articulate everything you've said here to him and make it clear that it's having a negative effect on you and your family, and if that doesn't help then I'd distance yourself from him. I try not to complain much, but I know if I do, it's usually because I want help from other people, and in that case being ignored really hurts, but it at least forces me to reconsider how I act around other people, and it sounds like he needs to do that. Anyway, good luck to you however you choose to deal with it.


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## Children Of The Bad Revolution (Oct 8, 2013)

PowerShell said:


> If it's your brother and not someone like your parents just tell him to either shut the f*ck up and do something about it or suck it up. Tell him his constant b*tching is getting old and to grow a pair and deal with it as opposed to just complaining about it.


You don't think I've (and others) have tried to do that?

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## StElmosDream (May 26, 2012)

To be honest such cynicism seems to be an ingrained behaviour that CBT or therapy could no doubt change but only if he seeks it out.


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## bluekitdon (Dec 19, 2012)

isingthebodyelectric said:


> My brother who still lives with me in my parents house has been a constant complainer since I could remember. This happens as soon as he wakes up in the morning; he'll find something to complain about almost instantaneously. It's extremely stressful to constantly have to listen to this. I feel it sucks the life out of me to listen to someone who has hate for a lot of things and people. I'm just wondering if anyone else has parents or siblings like this and how they cope with it?
> 
> I mean, even if they don't live with you but you have to be around them sometimes, how would you deal with that? I know when some families get together for things like Christmas, they can clash.
> 
> ...


What is he getting out of complaining? There is probably some positive reinforcement for that behavior, he is getting what he wants, getting attention, etc. If people do that to me I just remove myself from the situation if they are adults, or remove them from the situation if they are children, basically a time out.

You've already answered with the long term solution. According to your profile you're 23. You need to move out, not having the money is just an excuse. I had an old car and some clothes to my name when I moved out at the age of 18. It was never an option for our family for kids to stick around after graduating high school, and we also knew there wasn't any financial help coming either. Just had to suck it up, shack up with a few other people to keep the rent down, eat some ramen noodles, and work hard.


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## Children Of The Bad Revolution (Oct 8, 2013)

bluekitdon said:


> What is he getting out of complaining? There is probably some positive reinforcement for that behavior, he is getting what he wants, getting attention, etc. If people do that to me I just remove myself from the situation if they are adults, or remove them from the situation if they are children, basically a time out.
> 
> You've already answered with the long term solution. According to your profile you're 23. You need to move out, not having the money is just an excuse. I had an old car and some clothes to my name when I moved out at the age of 18. It was never an option for our family for kids to stick around after graduating high school, and we also knew there wasn't any financial help coming either. Just had to suck it up, shack up with a few other people to keep the rent down, eat some ramen noodles, and work hard.


Lots of people older than me live at home. I don't have the money, its not an excuse. 

No, he's not getting any positive reinforcements for his behaviour, people try to ignore him so I guess its habitual.

Btw my other brother stayed at home until age 28. Not uncommon..

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## sinshred (Dec 1, 2013)

Yomiel said:


> Hey, speak for yourself... On topic though, it's obviously counter productive to do nothing but complain to others, and it brings everyone down, so I'd try to articulate everything you've said here to him and make it clear that it's having a negative effect on you and your family, and if that doesn't help then I'd distance yourself from him. I try not to complain much, but I know if I do, it's usually because I want help from other people, and in that case being ignored really hurts, but it at least forces me to reconsider how I act around other people, and it sounds like he needs to do that. Anyway, good luck to you however you choose to deal with it.


Men never learn by words, men grown up trough the scars and pain. 
And she just says he's 28 yo right now! God, need i say more?


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## bluekitdon (Dec 19, 2012)

isingthebodyelectric said:


> Lots of people older than me live at home. I don't have the money, its not an excuse. Btw my other brother stayed at home until age 28. Not uncommon..


It is around here. By 28 I had been on my own for a decade. I still say get out, I didn't have any cash to speak of when I moved out, was the best thing I ever did because it forced me to learn how to manage money and made me realize I could stand on my own two feet. I can't imagine living with my brothers & sisters or parents as adults, I love them all but we have very different personalities.


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## Psychophant (Nov 29, 2013)

sinshred said:


> Men never learn by words, men grown up trough the scars and pain.
> And she just says he's 28 yo right now! God, need i say more?


Whatever, everyone comes from a different place and has his or her own challenges in getting there. No reason for me to judge.


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## LadyO.W.BernieBro (Sep 4, 2010)

They lose interest in me.

Once upon a time l think l gave the impression of listening,whereas now l can't even fake it.


The one chronic complainer l know that l last spoke with will usually complain to everyone in the room at once, sort of try to herd everyone into one area and basically unleash a sermon upon them. 

When it was just me left in the kitchen with him, l simply brushed him off with something cordial and walked away. 

He did a really exaggerated *eyeroll* and exhaled loudly, but he didn't have the nerve to tell me to come back and continue listening to him.

Most chronic complainers don't, if they have an _ounce
_ of self-awareness they already feel indebted for being so annoying on some level.

Make a point by emphasizing that you are at least being polite in the way you're excusing yourself, if nothing else it makes their rude behavior more obvious in comparison.


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## Children Of The Bad Revolution (Oct 8, 2013)

sinshred said:


> Men never learn by words, men grown up trough the scars and pain.
> And she just says he's 28 yo right now! God, need i say more?


No I said my other brother is 28.

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## petite libellule (Jul 4, 2012)

isingthebodyelectric said:


> My brother who still lives with me in my parents house has been a constant complainer since I could remember. This happens as soon as he wakes up in the morning; he'll find something to complain about almost instantaneously. It's extremely stressful to constantly have to listen to this. I feel it sucks the life out of me to listen to someone who has hate for a lot of things and people. I'm just wondering if anyone else has parents or siblings like this and how they cope with it?
> 
> I mean, even if they don't live with you but you have to be around them sometimes, how would you deal with that? I know when some families get together for things like Christmas, they can clash.
> 
> ...


generally speaking, people stop complaining once they've REALLY got something to complain about. Probably because they hit rock bottom and fall in problem solving mode. Just ask the question "so, what are you gonna do about it?" ... Or you could be rude and say, "*insert silence and blank blinking stare". "I'm sorry you feel that way", "that's not my problem", "tell someone who cares". There are countless of methods and things you can say to cut him off but if you want to help, just ask him, "So ... What's your point? So .. What are you going to do about it". Stuff like that. Pretty much, bipolar or not, he's stuck in a loop in his head. And that's not your problem. And telling him that might seem cold, but it also might be just what he needs to hear. Pick your poison and go with it ...


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