# "Apology Language" and Type



## galactic collision (May 1, 2014)

I didn't take the test, but I already know without taking it that Accept Responsibility is my #1. I can't accept an apology until I know that you know that you fucked up. Along the lines, I want to hear that you regret it and how you're going to change your behavior in the future so you don't fuck up again. I guess I'm a bit of a demanding person to apologize to. Whatever you do, DON'T beg me for forgiveness!! It makes me SO angry!! I'll forgive when I'm ready. Don't put any pressure on me. Wow I'm getting upset just thinking about it


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## Quernus (Dec 8, 2011)

Vajra said:


> Have fun!


How interesting.

*1. What is your primary apology language? If you like, please provide an ordered list of these, with commentary on how you relate and don't to the other ones. 

*I can't decide between "Accept Responsibility" and "Expressing Regret". 

I think accepting responsibility is probably the most meaningful for me to hear, and the most common way I'll believe you/move on. But expressing regret can be relieving enough, especially since *I* tend to internalize/take so much shame upon myself. I'm very feelings-focused, so hearing someone open up/express feelings of shame/regret can be effective with me. 

I think when I apologize, I mostly switch back and forth between these two, depending on circumstance.

"Requesting forgiveness" is something I've learned from communication classes is supposed to be effective/commonly appreciated. But it feels pretty silly to me; I feel like it should be assumed that the person will forgive if they want to. Asking *directly* kinda... puts them on the spot. I don't really like people to directly ask me "can you ever forgive me" because it's pressure. I was already going to or not.


I am not big on "genuinely repenting/making a plan for change" --- I'm more likely to just give someone another chance, based on words, but give up on them if the blow it again. For my own part, I have a hard time committing in that way... I'm afraid that by offering an absolute "plan", I am setting myself up to mess things up worse in the future. (I realize how important this is for many people to hear though, so I'm working on it). BUT, people I am very close to and trust a lot, and am not ready to "give up" on -- hearing a plan helps, and I'll be more likely to offer one in this case as well.


I never really expect people to make restitution unless it's a HUGE deal. Though sometimes I'll kinda unspoken-ly do so by becoming more deferential for awhile.

*2. What is your current typing, core, variants and tritype if you are into it? Do you see any connection between which apology lanuage(s) appeal(s) to you and your type/stack/tritype? if so, elaborate.
*
4w5 9w1 and probably 5w?
sp/sx


I dunno if I see any connection.
*
3. In general terms, apology language aside, what do you consider a worthwhile apology?*

I guess yeah, people just truly seeming to/trying to understand why I was hurt/offended and seeming to truly feel badly about that. Admitting I didn't deserve that treatment. Bla bla. It's helpful if they give an explanation of where they were coming from, I am very understanding of human flaws/mistakes/insecurities and it is reassuring to hear about it. Feels more genuine that way. The four in me perhaps.

*4. What is the "wrong" way of going about an apology directed to you? *



"I am sorry you FEEL that I did this" vs "I am sorry I did this"


"but"


Or excessive grovelling, or excessive preoccupation with whether or not I'm mad at them instead of being genuinely concerned about communicating.


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## Kitfool (Oct 24, 2012)

Lol it says a lot about me I think that I couldn't relate to any of the descriptions or questions at all. This stuff just doesn't occur to me. I couldn't give two shits about apologies. What's done is done. Either I still like you or I don't. This might however be useful for me to know about my girlfriend (ENFJ 3w2 7w6 1w9 so/sp) to avoid pissing HER off in the future, because we get in fights about apologies all the time, i.e. she gets pissed at me for not apologizing properly and I have no idea what the fuck she's talking about. If I had to choose I'd say:

1. Accepting responsibility: I love to hear that I'm right and you're wrong.
2. Restitution: Now that just seems practical. Why not gain something out of the ordeal?
3. Whichever one refers to learning from mistakes: I'm all for a good learning experience and I don't want unpleasant behavior repeated.

The rest are totally meaningless and I'd rather the offending party never mention the incident again than use the remaining strategies.

I really don't get mad that often, and if I do, there's a good chance it's about something so serious that I will never forgive you no matter what you say. Otherwise, I only feel mild irritation and I will certainly get over it without your help. Now to find out my girlfriend's style...I suspect she'd prefer any of these to what I actually do, which is nothing until she forces an apology out of me and I can't keep a straight face because the ritual is so ridiculous to me.

About relevance to type...I think it makes sense that I would hate apologies as a 379 because I don't want to draw attention to unpleasantness. Just let it go, shit.


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## Animal (May 29, 2012)

justforthespark said:


> Whatever you do, DON'T beg me for forgiveness!! It makes me SO angry!! I'll forgive when I'm ready. Don't put any pressure on me. Wow I'm getting upset just thinking about it


Yes! I agree so much!


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## Chesire Tower (Jan 19, 2013)

Animal said:


> Yes! I agree so much!


Ditto for berating oneself; the apology is supposed to be for the injured part, not the one doing the injuring.

:laughing:


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## Darkbloom (Aug 11, 2013)

1. What is your primary apology language? If you like, please provide an ordered list of these, with commentary on how you relate and don't to the other ones.*
Making restitution is definitely the most important thing,if it's possible to do.I don't get anything out of someone knowing they are responsible or feeling really,really sorry.
I also find just wanting me to forgive them important though,although my previous post says otherwise.
Unlike most here,I do like begging lol,because it means they really want me back and are ok with looking desperate as long as I forgive them.I don't really care how deeply they are feeling the apology though,as long as they try to fix it and show they want me back,you can't make someone feel genuinely guilty if they aren't feeling it,but you can make them regret doing what they did.
Sometimes I actually forgive people but I don't let them know if they are too proud to show any signs of not being ok with the situation between us,why would I be the first one to try to fix things if it's their fault?Still,sometimes I just get sick of everything and "be the bigger person" because I know it can be hard to admit some things even when you're truly feeling them.It really depends on a person.

2. What is your current typing, core, variants and tritype if you are into it? Do you see any connection between which apology lanuage(s) appeal(s) to you and your type/stack/tritype? if so, elaborate.
2w3-6w?-9w8 sp/sx
Makes sense I'd mostly care about how they feel about me,as well as sometimes dramatize it a bit in sense of wanting them to apologize even if I'm actually feeling ok combined with sometimes just being nice about it because someone has to be 

3. In general terms, apology language aside, what do you consider a worthwhile apology?
It'd be ideal if they say they didn't mean what they said,did,etc.For example,if someone insults me I'd want them to say "Sorry,I lied,I just got really mad and wanted you to feel hurt,I knew the only way to hurt you was to say x and I did it even though I don't mean it".Or if I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me I'd want him to tell some crazy story about him promising to himself he'd sleep with 500 women before he dies or doing it to get something from her,anything crazy like that lol,it's only wrong if the real reason is "She's hot and I wanted to have sex with her so I did it"
But I also want it to be honest and sometimes truth is really the worst possible thing.
In some cases there's really nothing you can say to undo what you did,but showing you still really care can help.And revenge can help a bit too lol
Not something really bad of course, just getting even.

4. What is the "wrong" way of going about an apology directed to you?*
Not sure,any sort of not being believable I guess.I mean,I don't think there even is a wrong way,if you deserve to be forgiven it will just naturally show and you will be forgiven and if you don't deserve it then you just don't deserve it,I don't really have other strong principles when it comes to apologizing.


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## Psithurism (Jun 19, 2013)

My personal thoughts on each one:
*
1) Make Restitution*

If a mistake has been made, it should be a priority to correct it in some way. Not by doing something unrelated like buying a present but rather a direct comprehensible desire to rectify the harm that was/is done. Of course, some harm can never be adequately restituted, but a sincere want to try their hardest to do so is well met by me. It is to the point where if I feel genuine urgency from their part, I will be satisfied with just that while possibly telling them to not have to try too hard to amend. Just make sure it doesn’t happen again.

*2) Accept Responsibility*

It takes healthy vulnerability to acknowledge one’s mistakes towards others, so this definitely shows that they have the self-awareness to understand they messed up. No matter what they do, if I don’t get a sense that they understand that what they did was wrong, then their apology is just empty words or they’re simply trying to get on my good side (which is manipulative).

*3) Expressing Regret*

Not as important as the other two before this. Expressing regret is very vague to me if they don’t understand or admit what they did wrong specifically and, even worse, I sense no guarantee that they will try to make things better. Focusing on the regret aspect of an apology doesn’t do much, what I’m interesting in is if they understand the situation clearly and I want to know how things will go from here. I also don’t need them to insist that they feel bad for hurting me; that’s just basic empathy. In other words, this one seems more like an implicit thing that shouldn’t take most of the surface of the issue.

*4) Genuinely Repent*

Anything with the word ''genuine'' is usually a good start. I will support them as much as I can in their effort if I feel their desire is genuine.

*5) Request Forgiveness*

Apologizing isn’t a question of requesting. It’s owning up to your mistake and trying your best for it to not happen again. Requesting forgiveness isn’t going to make the process more efficient in terms of healthy dialogue. Focus on requesting or begging for forgiveness is the empty way of doing things and thus a weak apology method. Again, it’s implicit that forgiveness will be given or not (assuming it can be forgiven and the other person wants to be forgiven), so why bring up the fluff that has no relation to actually resolving the issue.


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## Lady Isla (Feb 20, 2015)

*1)*
I took the test and came back with:
12	Make Restitution
3	Accept Responsibility
2	Expressing Regret
2	Genuinely Repent
1	Request Forgiveness

I think that at least a desire to make restitution demonstrates genuine regret better than anything else. I might not make them do it in many cases, but I would want them to be willing to. In other cases just accepting responsibility may be enough.

*2)*
3w4, 6w5, 1w2 Sp/Sx/So
I would imagine is has a correlation to the variants, but I'm still an amateur with Enneagram.


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## Tetsuo Shima (Nov 24, 2014)

I tell people that I'm sorry. As an INTP, I am not actually sorry, but I hope that they believe I am just so that they'll leave me alone. As a 3w4, I am overcome with guilt at my own lack of sympathy for others. As an obnoxious bastard, I piss so many people off that they've usually "heard it all before" when it comes to my apologies and know better than to believe that they are genuine.


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