# Caring extensively what others think of you.. Fi or Fe?



## chwoey (Mar 29, 2012)

So I regretfully admit that I have noticed a certain particularity about myself.. I care extensively what others think of me.

I know it is irrational, and I know I shouldn't, but I can't help wonder what people think of me. I try to act certain ways to be perceived certain ways. For example, in high school I listened to Screamo music.. I HATED it, but I wanted other people to hear the music blasting through my headphones. 

Now a days, I listen to the type of music I want, but when I am playing it in my car and I pass by a group of people on the street or another car with its windows down I end up turning up my music in hopes someone will hear the smooth jazz dancing out my window.. I hope they will admire my taste in music and think "Wow, what a cool girl driving that car". 

I consciously try and live life so that I can be happy. I try to make choices that bring me where I want to be, but I still play up to others.. Hoping they will see me in a positive light. 

I've done so many things that I shouldn't have so that people will see me differently. From smoking cigarettes, getting drunk (I hate drinking), to even having sex with people I didn't truly want to.. I often do things simply so that others think a certain thing about me. 

It is very sad, very pathetic, but it seems to be a deeply ingrained aspect of myself. 

What do you guys think? Can anyone relate? Do you think it is an aspect of Fi shining through or rather Fe? Something else all together?


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## LiquidLight (Oct 14, 2011)

This is an issue that runs deeper than Fi vs Fe. Its way too long to get into right now but suffice to say, to call this Fi or Fe would be to greatly oversimplify things.


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## chwoey (Mar 29, 2012)

LiquidLight said:


> This is an issue that runs deeper than Fi vs Fe. Its way too long to get into right now but suffice to say, to call this Fi or Fe would be to greatly oversimplify things.


Well that's helpful?


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## LiquidLight (Oct 14, 2011)

The reason I say it that way is because you would have to know what was going on with the person. What was causing them to over-value the opinions of others. Was it their own sense of worthiness? Are we talking about capabilities? How is the underlying belief structure of the person organized and so on. It could be the person grew up in an environment where they were belittled or discouraged from self-expression and so have learned to cope by looking outward for validation. A lot of men have this problem for example, always looking to be validated externally by a hot woman or prestigious job, etc. Or women who are afraid of being labelled a slut. Can we really say that all women who are worried about being called a slut are Fe-types? 

It's not necessarily Fi or Fe at work there (those things might be added to the mix but may not be the cause). There are other issues like self-confidence, self-esteem and so forth at work, or even something as simple as a young person still trying to figure out who they are establish an identity for themselves by focusing on those around them. You really have to look at it on an individual basis and understand what is going on in a given individual's mind rather than making a blanket "oh this is Fe" kind of statement because may not be. Even though Extraverted Feeling evaluates based on standards that are set external to the person, this does not mean all types with Fe will be social chameleons or even care what people around them think. That would be wrapped up in the person's persona, world views, upbringing and so on.


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## rawrmosher (Apr 22, 2013)

It just shows you're extroverted and you really want to be liked really... 

beyond that, I can't say, I'm not going to go making assumptions about you or anything. It's not Fi or Fe though, Fe is more trying to make sure people's needs are met and everyone's happy rather than wanting to be liked, that just tends to be a by-product of having Fe. 

Fi is a value system, I don't think this has much to do with it :L


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## Arclight (Feb 10, 2010)

I'd call it classic insecurity.


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## TheOwl (Nov 3, 2010)

rawrmosher said:


> It just shows you're extroverted and you really want to be liked really...


From my own experiences, I don't even think this is necessarily extroversion.


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## rawrmosher (Apr 22, 2013)

TheOwl said:


> From my own experiences, I don't even think this is necessarily extroversion.


Just a desire to be liked then? xD


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## TheOwl (Nov 3, 2010)

rawrmosher said:


> Just a desire to be liked then? xD


I guess so. Just because I need to get away from people every once in a while to recharge doesn't mean I don't care a lot about what other people think about me.


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## PaladinX (Feb 20, 2013)

TheOwl said:


> I guess so. Just because I need to get away from people every once in a while to recharge doesn't mean I don't care a lot about what other people think about me.


Which is why @LiquidLight noted that there could be a myriad of reasons why people care what others think of them. @rawrmosher presented one aspect, and you, another; all valid reasons.


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## ponyjoyride (May 7, 2010)

I think that both Fi and Fe care to a certain extent what others think but what you described seems very extreme to me. When I was younger I wanted to be liked and if someone didn't like me it seemed like an end of the world but I would have never done anything I don't like or want just to make someone like me. Nowadays it hardly bothers me at all what other people think of me. And my INFJ best friend cares about other people's opinions even less. So the reason for your approval seaking might be something else than your cognitive functions.


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## CrystallineSheep (Jul 8, 2012)

As I healthy person with Fi, I care that people I like and value are happy with me. Not so much about other people they can complain about me all they want and it won't affect me. 

Le me ask you this, why do you want people to notice or appreciate you? To make you feel better or?


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## chwoey (Mar 29, 2012)

IndustrialClef said:


> As I healthy person with Fi, I care that people I like and value are happy with me. Not so much about other people they can complain about me all they want and it won't affect me.
> 
> Le me ask you this, why do you want people to notice or appreciate you? To make you feel better or?


I honestly couldn't say. The weird thing about it all is that I often can easily brush off people's negative opinions of me. Someone calls me a heartless bastard, fuck them idgaf. 

I don't even need to know what people think of me, it is simply the act of putting myself out there in a way I think people may appreciate. Say I dress especially adorable one day, I don't really care if people find me adorable, it's just the idea of people thinking I look adorable is enough. 
I blast my jazz music and it is completely irrelevant if anyone hears it, just the idea of people hearing my music and thinking positive thoughts about me is enough. 

I don't so much do things that I don't want to _anymore_ as I have gotten older, but it was definitely a recurring theme in my teenage years. 

I suppose that is my problem, I have identified that is happens but I can't see _why_​.


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## The Wanderering ______ (Jul 17, 2012)

This isn't Fi or Fe. This is a classic case of enneagram. Most likely an SO instinct of some kind........ probably 3.


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## Abraxas (May 28, 2011)

@_chwoey_,


Whether it is driven by Fe or Fi would depend largely upon how you make decisions in a temporal sense really.

With Fe, you are making choices either ahead of time or beforehand. You already know what kind of a decision is "expected" of you within a particular situation, because you are aware of what the general emotional sentiments and values are of other people in said situation, e.g., you understand the normative values and morality of the society you are part of, and what the majority of people would consider "appropriate" and you try to emulate that standard. You never "just wing it" - you always have a sense of what is expected "in general" and you are always trying to fit your behavior into that standard as best as you can, because when you do, you feel like you are justified. Think of this as like having a "strategy."

With Fi, you are reacting to the impression that events have on you personally, _as they are happening, right now._ This is more like making on the spot tactical decisions. Rather than look outward for a standard that you can adapt your own behavior to match in order to feel confident that you are doing the right thing ahead of time or just in general (strategy), you look inward - at yourself in the very moment that a thing happens to you, right when it happens (tactics) - to ask yourself, "what do I find important?" Also, you don't look to others for this example, instead, you consider it a matter of integrity that you develop your own standard and live according to your own example, and you hate having to violate the values you have personally decided on. How you end up developing your values depends upon what you have been personally exposed to in your past and how events impacted you emotionally, influencing you deep down to care about certain things more than other things.

As you can see, however, these are not black-and-white differences. There are obvious shades of grey where we could be talking about either Fe or Fi. The feeling function is sort of that way. It is harder to nail down than the thinking function, in my opinion, because it isn't as technical. It is dealing with emotions, and emotions are by their nature more vague. If you're having a hard time deciding which one fits you better, my advice is to just go forward on the assumption that it doesn't really matter, and look at yourself both ways - analyze yourself as if you were a Fi-type, and also analyze yourself as if you were a Fe-type, and just pick whichever analysis fits the context better.

Besides, the truth is that everyone uses every function at various times. You could be a Fi-dominant and occasionally use Fe when a situation calls for it, but you wouldn't feel like you "owned" that situation, it would feel like a concession. Vica versa for a Fe-dominant. There are times they wont have a general principal well defined in advance, and so they have to make a decision on the spot - but when they do that, they won't feel as confident about it.

All that defines a type is habit - what function is the focus of directed conscious attention _habitually_ over a large span of time. You could be using both quite often because perhaps neither one is your dominant function. Also worth noting is that any function which is not your dominant function is not going to occupy your conscious attention remotely as much as your dominant function, even once it becomes "well-developed." The dominant function is always leagues above and beyond the auxiliary function in terms of development, because you start developing it at a very early age in life. In my experience, people's auxiliary functions are rarely ever given a great deal of importance beyond being considered "easy" and "useful" outside of their dominant function.

So on that note, maybe the better way to figure out which you prefer (Fi or Fe) would be to ask yourself which you have an easier time siding with, bearing in mind that both functions carry a definite feeling of _finality_ in the sense of a firm decision and no more waffling about. When you have to make that hard call, do you feel more comfortable making a choice _as the event is actually happening_, or do you try to follow a general set of rules you've developed in advance that you try to force the specific situation to fit into?

Just throwing it out there, however, from reading your posts in this thread, my gut says you're probably relying on Fi more than Fe. At least, that is how you come across in this thread, and from the stories you are sharing.

Maybe ENFP or INFP?


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## LibertyPrime (Dec 17, 2010)

@chwoey

Caring a lot about what others think of you means you are unsatisfied with yourself, your output (performance or what you do) or both. It generally means having low self esteem. If its not that, then its most likely that you are part of the enneagram image triad: type 2; 3 r 4.

Extroverts tend to need more external recognition then introverts, you may also be social variant.

Neither Fi nor Fe is the root cause of such a thing, thou feelers in general have "thinner skin and less armor", if you get my drift.

Most people experience some degree of this healthy or not.


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## Vianna (Jul 28, 2012)

I can very much relate to this. I also feel, taht what others think about me is extremly important. I am very much afraid of rejection and not being accepted. These things can be caused by a lot factors. First of all it means you are orriented toward an objective reajtction on yourself and need to be noticed by other people, that might be a sign of extroversion. Fi people seem to be much more sensitive on critics from others, because they care much about who they really are, Fe is more orriented toward what our society, or group is about. This also sounds like the 4w3 enneagram thing, when the 3's need to be accapted is mixed with 4's feelings of low confidence and sense of inner individuality. You also might an unhealthy type 3, which is maybe even more possible.


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## absyrd (Jun 1, 2013)

chwoey said:


> It is very sad, very pathetic, but it seems to be a deeply ingrained aspect of myself.


Okay, stop right there. Taunting yourself for who you are is the only thing that can hurt you. There is nothing pathetic or unusual about desiring the respect of others. It's not even really a discussion of Fi/Fe, but of your basic human DNA.

First, accept who you are. You value what others think of you. That's a common trait. Now that you recognize that you own this trait, you can _better __regulate _your behavior to be true to yourself. There is nothing inherently wrong with you or your personality. Coming to this realization will only mean good things for your future.

Recognizing a personal flaw can be a good thing because it is the first step to personal growth.


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## chwoey (Mar 29, 2012)

FreeBeer said:


> @_chwoey_
> 
> Caring a lot about what others think of you means you are unsatisfied with yourself, your output (performance or what you do) or both. It generally means having low self esteem. If its not that, then its most likely that you are part of the enneagram image triad: type 2; 3 r 4.
> 
> ...


Must be enneagram related because I actually have very high confidence and I enjoy myself quite a lot. I am my own bestfriend, lover and fan. 

I'm pretty sure I am a so/sp type, some suggest 4w5 but I'm not sure of that.


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## chwoey (Mar 29, 2012)

Abraxas said:


> @_chwoey_,
> 
> 
> Whether it is driven by Fe or Fi would depend largely upon how you make decisions in a temporal sense really.
> ...


From what you said, I feel like my use of Fi is fairly poor and most likely a inferior or tertiary function. The thing is I don't have deeply held values. Or maybe my loose values is my Fi being strong.. I find how I look at values is "I don't know shit, I'm not going to impose shit, other opinions are just as valid as my own".

In regards to determining if I am better at making hard calls, if the hard call has to do with emotions or values I often react very intensely and regret it in retrospect. I think the way I make "tough calls" is more similar to Fi than Fe, but I would feel more comfortable doing it in a Fe manner. Generally, I don't like making decisions in the moment at all. I like to know my options then be able to go and think about it for a while until I determine what the best choice is. 

For example, at work before I caught a couple of managers making fun of the lower ranking employees during our lunch break. The moment they started mocking my close friend for being overweight I immediately stormed out of the lunch room and wrote a nasty worded letter to the top manager about their disgusting behaviour. Before I could even stop to think I had handed the letter to the manager and went back to work. Within minutes I regretted my choice, I knew hell was going to come for going against those managers, but at the time I knew it was _wrong_ what they were doing. I still regret my choice and I wish I realized it wasn't important enough to make a stink about at the time. Most would say this is Fi showing its ugly head, no? 

Maybe I am a ISFP... :/


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