# How severe are the thoughts in my head? (contemplating suicide and other junk)



## pushit (Dec 20, 2012)

I have probably solidified myself as the "Attention Whore of PerC" since I keep posting worthless thread after worthless thread. Though shit has been bugging me. I did try posting on a suicide forum. I signed up, confirmed the email link, and my account didn't even get accepted, I assume, since I couldn't log in after a week. I posted on the SuicideWatch subreddit, and I got no replies. Then I remembered I've got some good advice here in the past. So I'm posting here, looking for some insightful input. 

I've come to a realization over the past month or two that has pieced itself together. Bad timing, because I'm trying to get the basic components of my life together right now, and with these thoughts roaming around in my head, of course I get distracted. Because I have to analyze them, and let them sink in. This realization stems from a part of myself that is purely metaphysical and cannot change. This realization could lead to putting myself in danger.

I do NOT have a strict suicide plan in place right now. It is not meticulous. Nor will I likely act out on impulse when in a very depressive phase. I do have a huge dilemma here and very negative feelings about it, and if I come to a conclusion that I just cannot get to a point where I never am confident enough in myself (which is probably the biggest contributor to my success) and feel like I just don't want anything to do with life anymore because of my certainty that this dilemma is impairing me enough to reach my goals, I'm done. I may very well end my life. You could say "Oh, you can just search for new goals!" Well, that's not fucking easy when your feelings are attached to your goals that were spawned by themselves, your feelings. I can't change my feelings. I've tried, but they always persist, or pop back up. Therefore, my goals persist, no matter how much I suppress them. In that case, a part of me will always feel empty. That probably equals: unhappiness, dissatisfaction, confusion, *not feeling like I am remaining true to myself or who I want to be, *frustration, *'faking it' and forcing myself to put on a mask and suit that does not manifest authentically,* *which in itself, leads to being unable to fullfill the goals I could give a rats ass about,* etc. Some life that would be, huh. Oh it's cool, I'll just associate myself with other shit just for the sake of living, even though I'm not associating myself with what I WANT TO BE DOING IN THE LONG RUN and I KNOW I'M UNABLE TO!!! That sure works for an existential nihilist! The list goes on. _(short version: feelings fucking suck, dude!)
_
_(long version) _The dilemma: Asperger's Syndrome, or mild Autism Spectrum Disorder as it is called now. I was diagnosed with this when I was five years old due to multiple sensory, emotional, and behavioral issues I was experiencing which ultimately made me somewhat dysfunctional, enough to be placed into special education. Then, after several mood fluctuations, fond childhood memories, a fucked up situation where my father became a deadbeat and got addicted to pills while abusing myself and my family, homelessness, living with a stranger in his home for 3 years, missing school for those three years because of all of that bullshit, and post-bullshit failing to catch up on schoolwork whilst battling depression, anxiety, near-agoraphobia and paranoia, while graduating this past summer feeling like I accomplished nothing, I started reflecting on my past. During this period of say, 6 or 7 years, I observed a lot of social patterns (mainly via the internet) with (I think) mostly unconscious effort. I became consciously aware of the fact that I did have a personality, and I should manipulate it as best as I should. I don't remember ever having to consciously train myself to notice or pay attention to facial expressions, body language, or gestures - one day, I think it just clicked. Long story short, I feel like recognizing social patterns have come naturally, in ways that an "aspie" may have trouble with. I mentioned that I was dXed with it a couple of times but was unsure, and people (that actually knew about it) didn't think I exhibited an Aspie flair. One person, who knew many "aspies" personally was so confident I didn't have it, he seemed to think I was utterly crazy for even thinking I did. So this boosted my confidence in favor of me maybe not being a fucking "aspie" after all. Maybe my fucked up childhood behavior was due to a combination of emotional distress, anxiety, strong ADHD, or even OCD?

At this point I've decided to consult multiple psychiatrists and psychologists, even get an MRI, do anything I can to determine that I certainly do not have this disorder. (I haven't yet.) I started gathering information, talking about past childhood symptoms with my mother, even asking my school district for past reports from my childhood. The more information I got the less hope I had. More and more symptoms were in line with or somehow linked to AS, as mild as they were, and other disorders I had co-morbid like ADHD, anxiety, and possibly others might not be able to explain a couple of these. Oh yeah, I also learned that my original diagnosis, as a child, came from THE FUCKING DUDE WHO FOUNDED THE CENTER FOR AUTISM way back in the 1950s. I guess there's always room for error, but that shortens my odds by a pretty good margin! Add in the probability that INFP is most likely my type, and how much of a fucking nightmare it would be if I was an Autism-infused NF. I mean, SERIOUSLY...since my brain is misconfigured, I'd guess the wonderful abilities of my Fi and Ne would be suppressed, and I'd focus on my sensing/thinking functions, which are weaker. 

Then I started getting really disturbing thoughts, getting more severe the more I found out. Depression amped up. Couldn't concentrate on anything but this problem and my feelings. Soon I started imagining all of the different ways I would commit suicide. In front of people, family. Blowing myself up. Running myself in front of a car. Whatever. I even went around in my head when depressed thinking in words "I'm definitely thinking about committing suicide" here and there. I can't look at myself in the mirror without flipping myself off, or verbalizing self sabotaging thoughts. "You're a worthless ******! You got nothing, might as well kill yourself now! You're ugly, no desirable girl would want you!" You name it.

The main reasons why I'm considering killing myself, if I turn out to be autistic, are: as a PDD (pervasive developmental disorder) this is my brain. I can't fix, or cure my brain. _I can't cure a part of myself._ Furthermore, I have to cope with my brain, _a part of myself_. Do you realize how fucking depressing that sounds? There's a good chance my brain will end up causing most, if not, ALL of my problems in life, and I don't want to know that a genetic part of my body, something out of my control, is the root of them all. Another big reason is an abstract impression I have gotten of Autism in general, from numerous observations IRL and on the internet, converted into perceptions and standards, a feeling, something intangible that I cannot shake no matter how much more insight I acquire on the phenomena. If I'm autistic, I become a part of this complex perception I have of autism, and those standards will hold true to me, to an extent. And that will take a huge toll on my self esteem, confidence, and myself. As I said before, confidence and healthy self esteem will play a big role in achievement of my goals and overall success in life. Goals are very important to me. One of these goals is very subjectively focused on the external world, to the point where it is out of my total control of the outcome. This particular goal is stereotypically near-impossible for the average "aspie" to accomplish, and empirically, I'd guess it's a hellhole for them to achieve as well. Other goals require social skills to an extent as well. *I REHASH: As an existential nihilist, if I cannot achieve my goals, there is no fucking point to my life at all.* Combined with the other two reasons, and experiencing more problems in life to which I am sure my autism is causing, I just cannot go on. I know that will heighten my anxiety and depressive symptoms, and I can't live most of my life dealing with that, without the positive desirable components in my life/in myself. 

I mean, I can still function, sorta. I can even distract myself from this with certain things. But it's undoubtedly the theme of my life right now. I can't shake this until I've determined I'm autistic or not. This is also really interfering with certain small goals I am trying to accomplish at the moment which are crucial and possibly hit-or-miss. I haven't told anyone IRL prior to publishing this.

So, is this intense? Could it be a sign of major clinical depression/clinical paranoia/other shit???


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## Volant (Oct 5, 2013)

*hugs* 

Visit a therapist, see a doctor. Perhaps you can find a medication that works for you and alleviates these feelings. A personal example- I thought I was going crazy, had schizophrenia, the works. I led a miserable existence, always worrying, wondering, pondering what-ifs, and my energy was either really low or really high from being on-guard all the time. Then I found out that I had an inherited anxiety disorder, and thanks to meds, I'm happy and cheerful, a 180° turnaround from my former self. I haven't looked back since.

Try spending some time out in nature. That's what I do when I'm feeling down. Just find a tree, sit below it, and close your eyes. Breathe in the fresh, crisp fall air and listen to the birds chirping around you, hear the cicadas merrily droning in the trees, smell the faint hint of smoke from a bonfire a few blocks away.

Also, I'd highly recommend keeping a journal. Write in it every night before you go to sleep, and this will train you to empty your mind before you sail away into slumber. The clearer your mind, the more peaceful a sleep you will have.

Lastly, for me, watching old cartoons has a weird, calming effect on my mind. They are great distracting devices, and they make me laugh. Here's one I recently watched (I'm a big Popeye fan, haha): http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=CyjtOBhfDts


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## LadyO.W.BernieBro (Sep 4, 2010)

You need to talk someone about the suicidal thoughts before thinking about the Asperger's.


ln all seriousness, l think you should be more informed about the disorder. Maybe getting information from a non clinical source would help? l think you really could learn to accept it(if you have it), but you don't seem to know much about it.


There are a few successful diagnosed adults here. Don't listen to people giving you armchair psychiatric advice, l'm sure they were being sincere in saying you don't have it, but most people just don't know what they're talking about so l'm also going to refrain from speaking about it too much.


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## pushit (Dec 20, 2012)

OMG WTF BRO said:


> *ln all seriousness, l think you should be more informed about the disorder. *Maybe getting information from a non clinical source would help? l think you really could learn to accept it(if you have it), *but you don't seem to know much about it.*


Why are you getting that hunch? I've done research about it over the past year, browsed forums like Wrong Planet, read personal experiences that people have had dealing with it. Then I contrasted that information together with experiences of mine, and other psychology research. I'd say I know quite a bit, though not too much to write a whole fifteen to twenty page essay about it. I agree that a lot of the "expertise" psychological websites and centers, and the media can give out misleading details about Autism, which can cause hysteria. Like Autism Speaks for example (they kind of make me want to punch babies). But there is a bit of wishful thinking about it, from soccer moms of children who are diagnosed, to hopeful psychologists, to even Autists themselves. It is undeniable that it _is _a disorder, not a different way of thinking. I mean, everyone thinks differently, right? Jung's theory is based on that, is it not?

I'm willing to admit I'm wrong any day though, seriously. What do you know about AS/autism? And how did you come to your reasoning - through theoretical/technical sources (documents, actual hypothesis about brain structure, etc.) or something more concrete (listening to other Autists experiences living with the disorderand viewpoints about Autism)


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## Halcyon (Jun 21, 2013)

Why does it matter to you so much that you may have Aspergers? Whether you do or you don't, you're still you. Nothing really changes either way. Loads of people who have the disorder lead successful, happy lives. That diagnosis, if you get it, isn't the end of you. Not at all.

Like @OMG WTF BRO said, your suicidal thoughts are the main concern right now. Talk to someone. There are people that can help. You can search up mental health clinics in your area. Many places offer free counseling or have scaled rates based on your income if money is tight for you. You can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline for free at 1-800-273-8255. Or, if you really feel you might attempt or things are becoming much too overwhelming, you can check yourself into a local hospital and receive care there. And there are other things you can do as well. You're never without options.

I know it sounds cliche but things really do get better. I can say that from experience, as I was in a very similar place just a handful of months ago. You're only 19. You have a lot to look forward to, Aspergers or not.

Hope this helps.


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## LadyO.W.BernieBro (Sep 4, 2010)

pushit said:


> Why are you getting that hunch? I've done research about it over the past year, browsed forums like Wrong Planet, read personal experiences that people have had dealing with it. Then I contrasted that information together with experiences of mine, and other psychology research. I'd say I know quite a bit, though not too much to write a whole fifteen to twenty page essay about it. I agree that a lot of the "expertise" psychological websites and centers, and the media can give out misleading details about Autism, which can cause hysteria. Like Autism Speaks for example (they kind of make me want to punch babies). But there is a bit of wishful thinking about it, from soccer moms of children who are diagnosed, to hopeful psychologists, to even Autists themselves. It is undeniable that it _is _a disorder, not a different way of thinking. I mean, everyone thinks differently, right? Jung's theory is based on that, is it not?
> 
> I'm willing to admit I'm wrong any day though, seriously. What do you know about AS/autism? And how did you come to your reasoning - through theoretical/technical sources (documents, actual hypothesis about brain structure, etc.) or something more concrete (listening to other Autists experiences living with the disorderand viewpoints about Autism)


l guess just the way you were talking about asking other people about it. Like you had a roundabout way of getting the information and kept mentioning what they'd said about ''aspies''.


lt's complicated because l don't know if you should feel like you have something in common with other people who actually have it or not, but l wouldn't listen to what most people have to say about it.


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## pushit (Dec 20, 2012)

Crossover said:


> Why does it matter to you so much that you may have Aspergers?


It could explain, at the least, most of the problems that occur in my life. The fact that it's an organic component to my brain structure that I can not control is depressing as fuck. Sure, I can improve them, but they're still there, and the problems will still arise. Add that to OTHER problems that aren't as atypical, like financial, circumstancial, external world (like economical issues in the country, or natural disasters, etc.). The disorder acts as an extra stressor to life. It's like living life on hard mode. Without efficient social skills, it is much harder to obtain and maintain a dynamic support system, or relationship you can lean on, to relieve stress. With flawed sensory processing, I may not be able to handle events such as concerts, because they may be too loud for me to enjoy, or even function in. As a music lover (and aspiring musician), that's a pretty goddamn hard pill to swallow. With hyperfocus, it is much harder to take on a jack-of-all-trades role, which is really helpful to an extent. Sure, it's nice compiling data on one or two things, but what if they're not things that I can create a beneficial life out of? Just because you have hyperfocus doesn't mean you have a 'gift'. Breadth can be just as important as depth, when it comes to learning a subject. If it explains my anxiety and paranoia, it will be much harder to enjoy myself in many situations. What's one of the greatest treats (and needs) of life? Happiness. What is a form of happiness? Enjoyment. I could go on, but whatever.

Add in the negative perception of it which I have a hard time letting settle in, or changing. That affects my confidence. And without that, I'm probably spending the rest of my life watching videos of monkeys peeing in their own mouths. It's really abstract and complex, the perception. I don't know. Yeah, Asperger's doesn't change me, but knowing that my brain operates that way changes my perception of myself, which could devour me from the inside out. And guess what? That in itself, does change me. 

I'd rather not talk to any trusted sources about my suicidal thoughts just because I don't have a plan yet. That would only hinder certain (crucial) goals I have at the moment anyway. I need to get this re-evaluation first. 

Thank you for the replies so far.


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## Halcyon (Jun 21, 2013)

pushit said:


> It could explain, at the least, most of the problems that occur in my life. Add that to OTHER problems that aren't as atypical, like financial, circumstancial, external world (like economical issues in the country, or natural disasters, etc.). The disorder acts as an extra stressor to life. Without efficient social skills, it is much harder to obtain and maintain a dynamic support system, or relationship you can lean on, to relieve stress. With flawed sensory processing, I may not be able to handle events such as concerts, because they may be too loud for me to enjoy, or even function in. As a music lover (and aspiring musician), that's a pretty goddamn hard pill to swallow. With hyperfocus, it is much harder to take on a jack-of-all-trades role, which is really helpful to an extent. Sure, it's nice compiling data on one or two things, but what if they're not things that I can create a beneficial life out of? Just because you have hyperfocus doesn't mean you have a 'gift'. Breadth can be just as important as depth, when it comes to learning a subject. I could go on, but whatever.


Honestly, is any of this worth your life? These things suck, yes, but they _can_ be overcome. Death... cannot be.



> Add in the negative perception of it which I have a hard time letting settle in, or changing. That affects my confidence. And without that, I'm probably spending the rest of my life watching videos of monkeys peeing in their own mouths. It's really abstract and complex, the perception. I don't know. Yeah, Asperger's doesn't change me, but knowing that my brain operates that way changes my perception of myself, which could devour me from the inside out. And guess what? That in itself, does change me.


Why would a diagnosis make you see yourself differently? And if it does, you can always get counseling to help change your mindset into a more positive, constructive one. 



> I'd rather not talk to any trusted sources about my suicidal thoughts just because I don't have a plan yet.


Please don't wait to get help until you have a plan. By the time you make one up, it might be too late.


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## pushit (Dec 20, 2012)

OMG WTF BRO said:


> l guess just the way you were talking about asking other people about it. Like you had a roundabout way of getting the information and kept mentioning what they'd said about ''aspies''.


Lol, nah. I've always questioned, in my head, at least, other people's viewpoints about it. An ENFP friend who thought I didn't have it seemed to compare me to other people who "did" and since he was fond of me, that may be why he didn't think I had it. I wondered how he knew those people had Asperger's though. He said he had a lot of personal experience with Aspies, but did they openly admit they had it, or did he do some heavy research and take a really good guess that people had the disorder? 



OMG WTF BRO said:


> lt's complicated because l don't know if you should feel like you have something in common with other people who actually have it or not, but l wouldn't listen to what most people have to say about it.


That might be a way to seek confidence/self esteem, but to me, that feels like living a lie. I don't care about what people think about Autism as much as being dysfunctional in certain areas of the brain. I like knowing the truth.


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## Parking fine (Oct 4, 2013)

If you think you need support then call a helpline, thats what they are for, hearing a human voice is better than the internet.

If you are committed to killing yourself, then do so, don't let other peoples' opinions stop you from what you want to do.


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## pushit (Dec 20, 2012)

Parking fine said:


> If you are committed to killing yourself, then do so, don't let other peoples' opinions stop you from what you want to do.


Thank you for saying what most people won't say, or don't want to believe because it is not socially mandated. I'm of the belief that if someone had cancer, a permanently broken leg, and chronic depression - and really wanted to end their life, as they feel they have no other purpose. As sad as it would be, I would accept their decision. It's okay for an animal to be put down because of it's suffering, but a human doing the same thing to itself because they feel their lives have become a torture chamber, is wrong and selfish? Kind of selfish for other humans wanting that person to live, even though the sufferer might not want to. 

Now, someone with a bad reason, whole different ballgame. 

Sorry not sorry.


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## Razare (Apr 21, 2009)

> I became consciously aware of the fact that I did have a personality, and I should manipulate it as best as I should. I don't remember ever having to consciously train myself to notice or pay attention to facial expressions, body language, or gestures - one day, I think it just clicked. Long story short, I feel like recognizing social patterns have come naturally, in ways that an "aspie" may have trouble with.




You overcame your problem already, so I don't see why going back to a clinical definition and relying on it is going to help you.

People overcome disabilities on a daily basis. They overcome them by ignoring doctors and deciding they're going to press-on anyway. They realize that they define who they are, not a piece of paper, or someone else's opinion.



pushit said:


> *I REHASH: As an existential nihilist, if I cannot achieve my goals, there is no fucking point to my life at all.* Combined with the other two reasons, and experiencing more problems in life to which I am sure my autism is causing, I just cannot go on. I know that will heighten my anxiety and depressive symptoms, and I can't live most of my life dealing with that, without the positive desirable components in my life/in myself.


Being an existential nihilist will never make you happy in life. You may achieve all your goals, but still end up with a chasm inside you.

There is actually a better way to go about achieving goals in life, while not having to worry about the future, and being happy at this present moment. The way to do this may not have the trappings of accepted philosophy as existential nihilism has, but it produces more in your life while making you more happy in the process. It is the results that matter, wouldn't you agree?

The way to do this is to accept God, rely upon him and his word.

When I want to accomplish something in my life, I pray to God and ask him for it. Then it's no longer me trying to accomplish it on my own effort which easily fails. God wants us to prosper in life and achieve our goals if they're sound.

*Jeremiah 29:11 *- For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

He wants you to find a mate and will help you do it. He will also make sure you can provide for a family. I did not have a girlfriend since high school, and one night I decided to pray for one. It was a serious prayer and God answered it within six months. I did not even believe in Jesus yet, and he answered it!

Yet if you accept Christ into your heart, you can rely on him to work through you in life. He can make you succeed at things you could never do on your own.

I failed a class twice in college. I simply could not focus on the work and perform it. Now that I have Christ, the class is easy... because when I begin work on a stressful assignment, I ask for his strength.

*Philippians 4:13* - I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Following Christ is not about pauperism, he wants us to be abundant in life to the point we can't help but share our abundance with others.

*2 Corinthians 9:8* - And God will generously provide all you need. Then you will always have everything you need and plenty left over to share with others.

His book is full of many more promises to believers he intends to perform to those who take hold of them. When you live this way, our worries are cast upon the Father. We no longer need to worry for our future because we know it's taken care of.

*Matthew 6:25-27*: 
“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?
Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?
Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?


As a result, happiness can become a present reality rather than a future objective.


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## pushit (Dec 20, 2012)

Razare said:


> You overcame your problem already, so I don't see why going back to a clinical definition and relying on it is going to help you.
> 
> People overcome disabilities on a daily basis. They overcome them by ignoring doctors and deciding they're going to press-on anyway. They realize that they define who they are, not a piece of paper, or someone else's opinion.
> 
> ...


Question: after you pray, how does the process behind achieving that goal change? A detailed example or two would be helpful. Does your attitude change? When you say:



> The way to do this is to accept God, rely upon him and his word.


Does that imply that all of the claims of God and his/her affiliates in the bible are actually some kind of survival guide in life that one must abide to, in order to operate effectively with humans, and any other elements of life? Or is God really a puppetmaster of us all, playing around with neurons in our bodies, feelings, and the wires of our brain, and if we do not do what he wants, he screws with them (which control our decisions) which create negative circumstances? And vice versa? In that case, boy, I have a lot of catching up to do!


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## pushit (Dec 20, 2012)

Just re-read your post...



Crossover said:


> By the time you make one up, it might be too late.


What do you mean it might be too late?


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## Halcyon (Jun 21, 2013)

pushit said:


> What do you mean it might be too late?


If you're so depressed that you're making a plan, you may also be too depressed to want to get help. Your thoughts might be so clouded by then that all you're able to think about is executing the plan you've just created. In general, waiting until depression gets worse to address it only makes the treatment harder when you finally start. Depression is like cancer in the sense that you want to catch it as early as you can.


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## Razare (Apr 21, 2009)

pushit said:


> Question: after you pray, how does the process behind achieving that goal change? A detailed example or two would be helpful. Does your attitude change? When you say:
> 
> The way to do this is to accept God, rely upon him and his word.


It does change your attitude, but that doesn't necessarily cause the event to come to pass.

So my prayer for a girlfriend. I prayed it heart felt... and then I honestly forgot I had even prayed it. A week before I met my girlfriend, my attitude about life suddenly changed with no apparent reason. I had this wonderful outlook and total confidence. So when I met her, I was completely enthused about dating her even though two weeks ago, I wouldn't have bothered.

I also met her the very day I should have been leaving on a trip to Europe... but I had decided it best I not go on that trip.

Things just work out when you rely on God. I'm not saying things will be perfect because there's still a lot wrong with the world.. but prayers do get answered and God hears each of them.

Another example of a prayer... I sent out a money order to pay a bill. I knew immediately after I sent it out, that the money order would be lost. Don't ask me how I knew, I can't tell you. Instead of worrying about it, I just said, "God will take care of it," and I left it at that. A month later, I discovered they were missing a payment of mine. Right before I discovered I was missing a payment, I discovered some rolls of silver quarters at work. I bought them out of the change drawer spending $20 to make a few hundred dollars which covered my lost money order. I had lost the stub to the money order so there was no way I could get back the money. I didn't have to even ask, I just knew God would handle it.

Another example is when I do schoolwork and I need Christ's help. I can just pray for his strength and grace to help me accomplish the assignment. That can immediately change my attitude and focus me on the task.

Another time, I prayed for doors of favor to be opened for me... that same day I got a raise at work and a side-job to perform for extra money.



> Does that imply that all of the claims of God and his/her affiliates in the bible are actually some kind of survival guide in life that one must abide to, in order to operate effectively with humans, and any other elements of life?


A survival guide for those who use it... A lot of Christianity does not understand or use God's promises to live their lives. Many simply stop at salvation (which is important) but there's a lot more offered in the Bible than salvation. What it comes down to is producing fruit in your life... when Christ lives inside of you, your life will produce fruit and you will be a happier person if you follow and believe his word.

Does God grant every prayer? No, only ones that line up with his word... not all my prayers have specific references in the Bible, and that's okay, it doesn't hurt to ask. It does take faith however to have prayers answered. It doesn't take mountains of faith... just believe God hears you, that he loves you, and that he'll take care of you.



> Or is God really a puppetmaster of us all, playing around with neurons in our bodies, feelings, and the wires of our brain, and if we do not do what he wants, he screws with them (which control our decisions) which create negative circumstances? And vice versa? In that case, boy, I have a lot of catching up to do!


No, you see, God made us and loves us completely. He does not control people, he refuses to, even if it would help us in certain cases... because ultimately a violation of free will is never good. Everything bad that happens in our life is from the devil and our own choices. This is the greatest trick he has played on humans... to get people to believe that bad things happen because of God. God is only good and will only ever do good.

Why doesn't he stop bad from happening?

He has turned authority over to humans, so we have authority to operate our lives... so it's up to us to use his power.

Matthew 16:19 - *I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven; whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven."*

Christ gave us his authority, so we are to operate our lives like he operated his... by faith. The challenge is that we're operating our lives in a fallen world where satan still operates the world system.

Operating in faith using the word of God is the key. This is how we manifest what we want in our life. This is very important because most of Christianity does not teach this but it's simple... believe what the Bible says. Don't explain away things in it, but rather take it at face value in context of what is being written.

Good teachers to learn from are:
- Joseph Prince
- Kenneth Copeland
- Kenneth Hagin (dead but if you find his videos online, they're great)
- Andrew Womack
- Creflo Dollar


So like your problem that you might be autistic... God can take care of that. He may not do it overnight, but rely on him, and you'll overcome it.

Once you're saved, reading the Bible regularly is also key... and all of those teachers I mentioned will say so... having their instruction is helpful so you understand the truth of what you're reading. Eventually, when you read the Bible, God will begin telling you things through its words.

Romans 8:14 - _*For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God.*_


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