# ISFJ man, is this real? How can you tell if an IFSJ really likes you?



## Tj411 (Nov 11, 2012)

And are they really THAT caring? I am so surprised and confused by this ISFJ guy. A little background: I met this guy who asked me out after chatting a little over the course of a few weeks. We have gone out for about a month and I cannot believe how much I connect with him and how much we have in common. It is almost crazy weird. We think a lot of the same things, theories on life, have similar family and life experiences, etc. and we often end up wearing the same clothes. For example, we both show up with green t shirts or orange and blue button up shirts, not exactly the same, but close enough to be funny. 

He remembers everything I say and will bring it up days later in special ways that let me know he cares about me or at least thinks about me a bit. He asks me how I'm doing and tries to help me with the problems I am having in my life in significant ways I have never had someone do. It's like he really cares. He also compliments me a lot in nice ways I’m not used to. Is it sincere? I've dated mostly people who turn out to be false or abusive in the end, so it is hard for me to take him at face value. I keep looking for the angle and especially have a hard time believing the compliments. 

So here’s where it gets even more confusing for me. He is recently out of a serious relationship, within the last 6 months. So he is still nursing a pretty deep wound. I went through something similar, only it has been a bit longer for me, so I am more healed. We are both very cautious about getting seriously involved with anyone again and in that vein we have not yet expressed affection in a physical manner. He said he was not ready for it and I agreed, for myself as well. Friendship first, then see what happens. He says eye contact to him can be as intimate as a kiss, so he struggles with maintaining eye contact, though he maintains eye contact with me longer the more time we spend together. I feel fireworks when I look in his eyes. I feel like I can share anything with him and he won’t judge me. There are only a tiny handful of people I can say that about. He feels almost “safe” to me. He seems wonderful and I could see myself falling hard if I let it happen.

My question and concern is this. Can he really feel so strongly about me in such a short amount of time? Or am I a rebound for him, a project perhaps(single mom just like his ex), a way to feel needed when he is searching for something to fill his empty heart. I just really don’t want to be a rebound, but I also don’t want to mess something great up because of my past experiences.

Any insight you ISFJs, or those familiar with them, can give will be much appreciated. Sorry for the novella and for putting IFSJ in the subject line :shocked:


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## thatdennis (Dec 16, 2013)

Well coming from me, I would say it's possible. I mean I get attracted to a girl quickly if I know she gives me more attention. ISFJs love attention, so if you give him a lot, then I guess he likes you. ISFJs also don't like to play with other's feeling in love, as they deem it insensitive and most always seek a long lasting relationship when finding mates (they want deep intimacy level, not superficial intimacy). So in other words I think he could really feel strongly for you in the short amount of time (I know I do) if you show him care.

However are you sure he's an ISFJ? When we care about that person, we usually try to stick with them a lot and give them a lot of attention if you give us attention back. A sure proof way to test if he likes you is the actions he does. We show our care and love through our actions mostly, so if he does a lot of stuff for you he's showing he cares and loves you.

Another thing to be careful about, when you said he won't judge, don't believe it so quickly. We might not express our distaste for things directly but in our heads we could be judging all over. 

OK bottom line, if he shows care for you a lot, he likes you. If he after a period of time slowly detracts his care for you, it's not that he hates you or anything, he just feels a bit unsatisfied or didn't get the attention he wanted. So keyword here: *ATTENTION/CARE*.

P.S. We love to help, and if we help and you show appreciation, we feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside. :tongue:


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## monemi (Jun 24, 2013)

I'm married to an ISFJ man. They usually are very caring and attentive. Although, non-judgmental wouldn't be a word I would associate with them. They are cautious. If you have him typed correctly, I don't think you have much to worry about.


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## Tj411 (Nov 11, 2012)

that dennis and monemi- thank you for your reply. He took the test, so that's where I'm getting his type from. I am not a pro at assessing others, so I don't usually even try. He does give me quite a bit of attention checking in on me throughout the day. He also has tried to help me sell my car (a major stressor in my life right now that I opened up to him about) sending his friends over to look at it. He even offered to help pay my rent because I am so stressed about finances! I noticed he really seems to appreciate when I ask him how he is doing, although sometimes when I give him a really big compliment, he goes quiet with texting for awhile. I am not sure what is going on in his mind when he does that and it makes me want to draw back. 

Because of our schedules we are somewhat limited in the amount of time we can spend together. Although, I would like to increase the amount of time we spend together, I don't want to push him, so not sure how to go about it. I guess I could just invite him over. Maybe he is tired of initiating everything. I just don't want to appear clingy or pushy.

Now that I think about the judgemental thing. He does put me at ease and I am not the type of person to apologize for the things about myself that I know are not the greatest. So I share, because I don't want to be with someone who can't handle who I am. I guess I can see his mind really whirring when I do that, but it seems that he compartmentalizes and says, "That's okay." So maybe I just haven't said anything that really turned him off or he thinks my faults are equal to his own.

Now, how to make him fall madly in love with me without appearing clingy or pushy....? I don't want to be ruin this, this is the first time in a LONG time I have wanted to grab onto somebody and never let go :happy:


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## monemi (Jun 24, 2013)

If he saw your faults as insurmountable, he wouldn't still be talking to you. When you praise him, he's probably too busy blushing to answer you. I wouldn't take that personally if I were you.


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## Tj411 (Nov 11, 2012)

monemi said:


> When you praise him, he's probably too busy blushing to answer you. I wouldn't take that personally if I were you.


Good to know. So what are the bad things about this type? Right now he keeps blowing me away trying to help me. Maybe a temper? I suppose each ISFJ is probably different.

P.S Love the quote from your husband monemi.


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## monemi (Jun 24, 2013)

Tj411 said:


> Good to know. So what are the bad things about this type? Right now he keeps blowing me away trying to help me. Maybe a temper? I suppose each ISFJ is probably different.
> 
> P.S Love the quote from your husband monemi.


This is coming from an ESTP perspective. So I don't know what is relevant to you or not. 

Lessons from dating an ISFJ. 

They need a little time to sulk when they're upset. They aren't nasty about it or passive aggressive. They just need time to process. And don't call it sulking to their face while they're still upset. 

They can be judgmental. Individually they might be conservative or liberal or environmentalist. But they are judging people. They aren't overly harsh but once a bad impression is made you probably won't recover their favour. 

For instance, don't lie to them, which is sort of funny in a way. ISFJ's will lie to themselves and might not consciously realize what they've done. They like things to be right or wrong. If they want something that isn't major but falls into technically wrong lines, often they'll have a little white lie and don't even notice it. ESTP see the world in gray. We grow up being told "you should never lie" but the punishment we receive for telling the truth is far more harsh than the punishment we receive for any other transgression, so we learn early that the greatest sin you can commit is to threaten an individual's capacity to delude themselves. Until I dated an ISFJ. They'll be pissed when you threaten their capacity to lie to themselves, but they'll be even more pissed if you lie to them even if you think you're protecting them. They're judgmental and you probably won't be able to backpedal fast enough. My husband's friend was kind enough to give me a heads up on that one so I didn't have to learn that the hard way. 

Generally as a rule for ISFJ, sex is attached to love. They move at a snails pace. You didn't seem to think that mattered. For those of us with an impatient, higher sex drive, it's a hardship.

And yeah, they have a sense of humour, if you can dig it out of them.


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## darkship (Jan 10, 2014)

There is an old Chinese saying, "you will know the stamina of a horse after a long journey, and you will know the heart of a man after being together for a long time."

You have just met the guy for one month, it is not long enough to tell the truth of a man. SJ type is really good at detailed things, and they are pretty helpful on these occasions, like you said, helping you sell your cars, helping you handle your finance. I can see you are really in a crush on him, and your mind is filled with his good points. Well, everyone will have his shortcomings, his, you haven't discovered yet.

Don't misunderstand me, I am not intend to badmouth someone I never meet. All I want to say is, the time you had together is still too short, and it seems you are not sure about the relationship yet. 

Take your time, don't rush to make your decision.


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## OutOfThisWorld (Nov 4, 2013)

As an ISFJ, if given the green light, I will pursue with determination. However, if I start seeing different patterns (inconsistency), I will start to question the other party's interest level in me and start clamming up. Eventually, I will disappear because I assume they don't feel the same way. ISFJs are very observant and will record everything you say or do (or not do).

My suggestion is to offer the same amount (or as much as you can) of interest that he is showing you. Doesn't hurt to pay compliments to the small things that he does for you either. I think he wants you to be the aggressor every once in awhile to show him that you are into him. Which means inviting him and all that other good stuff. 

Clingy and needy is when you blow up his phone 24/7 and not letting him have some space. I would love someone to pursue me in an assertive and respectful way. 



monemi said:


> They'll be pissed when you threaten their capacity to lie to themselves, but they'll be even more pissed if you lie to them even if you think you're protecting them. They're judgmental and you probably won't be able to backpedal fast enough. My husband's friend was kind enough to give me a heads up on that one so I didn't have to learn that the hard way.


I really hoped you gave his friend a cookie or something because that tip is amazing to use when dealing with an ISFJ.

I'm a hypocrite. I will use white lies to spare people's feelings (or make them feel better or get out of a situation that telling the truth would mean disaster), but lie to me, even if it was a white lie, and I find out, there will be hell to pay. If you got a problem, say it to my face so we can fix it and move on, because dishonesty is just shady (even though I will never let on that I will lie through my teeth sometimes:tongue


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## Tj411 (Nov 11, 2012)

monemi- Great advice, I love that you told me your perspective as an ESTP. I will remember not to lie, which isn't a big deal for me as I have become a terrible liar and I feel guilty, although I am the type who will sometimes lie to avoid hurting another's feelings. Not on important things though. "And don't call it sulking to their face while they're still upset," made me laugh. I am a slow mover myself in the physical department. Not because it is my first inclination, but it has certainly helped me avoid a lot of heartache. That stuff just messes with my head in the end, so I save it for after I know the person well. 

darkship- Thank you for the word of caution. Despite how twitterpaited I may sound, I am very wary, so no worries there. If he turns out to be unhealthy, I will draw back the reins and getoff this crazy thing. What do they say? People can hold up a façade for 3 months and then you see their true colors? I will still enjoy this golden feeling though, as I am an INFP and I will imagine the greatest things until proven otherwise  I won't rush anything, as you said, I do not know his shortcomings yet. 

Out of thisworld- What you say makes a lot of sense and fits with what I know of him so far. Now that you say that, I can look back and see where I "gave him the green light." I have been trying to offer attention to him on the same level he offers me and he seems to be responding well to that. What?! You can lie to spare feelings, but I can't (scratches head)? Doesn't make sense. I disagree.


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## LadyO.W.BernieBro (Sep 4, 2010)

l think it is beyond adorable that you show up in similar clothing.


_Beyond._


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## thatdennis (Dec 16, 2013)

OutOfThisWorld said:


> As an ISFJ, if given the green light, I will pursue with determination. However, if I start seeing different patterns (inconsistency), I will start to question the other party's interest level in me and start clamming up. Eventually, I will disappear because I assume they don't feel the same way. ISFJs are very observant and will record everything you say or do (or not do).
> 
> My suggestion is to offer the same amount (or as much as you can) of interest that he is showing you. Doesn't hurt to pay compliments to the small things that he does for you either. I think he wants you to be the aggressor every once in awhile to show him that you are into him. Which means inviting him and all that other good stuff.
> 
> ...


Yep true to that. When faced with a problem, we need our space and think the problem through but also know that our loved ones care for us. If they don't show up from time to time and isolate us totally, we would start to think that they hate us or we did something wrong to them and the guilt just builds up. We like to blame ourselves when there are problems, so try to give him some space, but regularly check on him to show you're still there if he needs you.

And again, we lie so much just to keep it polite and not insult another person, yet when a person lies to us and we discover it, ooh the inner anger builds up. We want honesty from others, so keep that in mind when talking to him.


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## thatdennis (Dec 16, 2013)

darkship- Thank you for the word of caution. Despite how twitterpaited I may sound, I am very wary, so no worries there. If he turns out to be unhealthy, I will draw back the reins and getoff this crazy thing. What do they say? People can hold up a façade for 3 months and then you see their true colors? I will still enjoy this golden feeling though, as I am an INFP and I will imagine the greatest things until proven otherwise  I won't rush anything, as you said, I do not know his shortcomings yet. 

Well keeping a façade is an easy thing for us if you don't force it. I mean I kept a façade for about 1 year, just telling little white lies to conceal who I truly am. It broke when my best friend forced me to tell some stuff, which I slowly show my true colors.


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