# "Cold approach" - Women only



## Promethea (Aug 24, 2009)

If me and a stranger happened to really hit it off by some miracle, I would find it acceptable if he then said "lets hang out sometime.."

_However_.. *typically*, the approach is just some PUA loser playing the numbers game -- he asks this a lot, thinking that one time out of twelftysevenmillion she just might give him a good response, and jump on the chance that some random guy is willing to have sex with her simply because he has objectified her and decided that she looks close enough to the modern cultural beauty standard, that he can feel like hes accomplished something (a pathetic illusion) if he conquers her, sexually. They typically refer to this acquisition as "getting chicks" - where they have successfully acquired the commodity, and then it gives them "bragging rights" among their male peers so that they can put a little bandage over their wounded self-esteem during the 15 seconds of fame they get when they talk about how much of a "maxim-hottie" she was (and if shes far from a "maxim-hottie" the bros won't be as impressed and your self-esteem may suffer, creating a horrifying illusion that both your penis and IQ are smaller than they actually are.)

Typically the poor schmucks who resort to this sort of behaviour are what bro culture would label "beta-males" and still maintain a standard for women, that falls into the "alpha" category. You can often see them on the internet whining about "the friend zone" because of a sense of entitlement that they carry; women -owe- them sex, particularly the ones that "look good" because where else are all of those displaced sexual frustrations and voyeuristic lust going to go, other than into an eye-catching repository for male gratification?

Yes, typically, when a guy tries to use his pathetic PUA tactics on me, I think of the above and politely decline his advances, and think that its pretty sad. Its sad that some people can't form normal healthy human connections, and instead out of fear and frustration resort to treating the whole opposite gender like they're one-dimensional, less than human, and worthy of less respect than themselves.

Sometimes its hard to be polite and pretend that I don't see that entire sea of fuck below the surface, but then I just remember that he is _his own_ worst enemy, and he may only ultimately bring harm to himself with his mindset and habits.


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## chimeric (Oct 15, 2011)

@Promethea ..._Ouch!_ But right on the mark.


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## milti (Feb 8, 2012)

@_Promethea_ - The worst part is, many women actually fall for this false flattery. The strangest part is they KNOW it's fake, and the guy knows it's fake and he knows that she knows it's fake, and she knows that he knows that she knows it's fake (lol... I''ll stop here)... YET for some reason this silly dance of absolute insincerity carries on. And it is allowed and encouraged.

Men are painfully transparent almost always, but sometimes even *I *don't understand women. 

I didn't understand what PUA meant at first, or why people should read e-books or blogs or whatever to learn how to implement it, but now I see it. I guess every culture has its own - erm - courtship (is that the word?) rituals. The approach is very different in my culture, but the goal is pretty much the same, and that slimy film of insincere flattery is always there. That's why I don't get PUA. Why should anyone learn a script by heart when being yourself (okay, slightly more charming) is all that it takes really?? At least to find a person whom you can genuinely like and respect and be real friends with, whatever your intentions are.


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## Nick Carraway (Feb 11, 2013)

Falling Leaves said:


> No. I really fucking hate it when strangers walk up to me and start talking, especially if it's for the purpose of hitting on me - seeing as I barely find people I deal with everyday attractive, a stranger has no shot in hell.
> 
> This one time, a weird 30-something Bolivian guy started trying to make super-special awesome friends with me. I quickly shut him off by saying 'did you need directions?'.
> 
> This other time, me and my sister were walking home down a busy main road at around midnight. This Polish guy suddenly stopped his car, got out and approached us... fortunately, whatever he wanted, he lost his nerve and wound up asking 'which way is it to London?'. Eurgh. Seriously, fuck off.


whew, remind me not to say a word to you! have fun with those cats by the way


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## Nick Carraway (Feb 11, 2013)

Poll and thread reflect entirely different moods.

Eitherways, we are talking about a situation in a big city or a big college town where a guy won't see the woman again (strong probability). If even a bit of interest sparks, the guy has every right to ask for her number or any personal information just as she has every right in the world to turn him down.

Guys need to keep taking shots like these especially when they don't have the big social circle due to working certain jobs. Heck, some guys I know in real life have met their dates that way.


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## Nick Carraway (Feb 11, 2013)

Promethea said:


> *Typically the poor schmucks who resort to this sort of behaviour are what bro culture would label "beta-males"* and still maintain a standard for women, that falls into the "alpha" category. You can often see them on the internet whining about "the friend zone" because of a sense of entitlement that they carry; women -owe- them sex, particularly the ones that "look good" because where else are all of those displaced sexual frustrations and voyeuristic lust going to go, other than into an eye-catching repository for male gratification?


NOPE. A Beta Male is a guy who has known a girl for a while (through social circle), fails to make a move on her, gets friendzoned, and then whines about it. A Beta Male is typically a guy that is too scared to even approach a girl or even talk to most of them. 

You can call PUAs frauds, fakes, manipulative, and all of that nonsense and I WILL agree with you if you said that. A lot of them are to an extent even out of touch with reality but they are FAR from being beta males. It takes a lot of guys to go up to a complete stranger and hit on her and then have the guts to ask for her number in public as the whole crowd watches. 

Also, these guys don't whine about being friendzoned, if it does not work out they move on to many other women out there.

Heck, I am no PUA loser but when I talk to a complete stranger in public, get a good conversation going, and that builds up I ask for her number. She gives it to me and I have met girls this way and even joined some social circles this way. Nothing weird about it at all.


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## scarlett.page (Nov 14, 2011)

Sure it's weird if he is! But if I find him attractive and the conversation went well I'd give him my number. Albeit with a natural, not weirded out apprehension.


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## bkp1q (Mar 4, 2013)

yup


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## Diphenhydramine (Apr 9, 2010)

GYX_Kid said:


> It isn't nonsense, you might just not understand it. Nobody's trying to sabotage anything. What's the point of this thread, to determine whether or not it's worth it to approach women? If you want to believe everyone's talk about how in control of their emotions they are, be my guest.
> 
> On the other hand, if you in fact don't take everyone's claims literally, feel free to prove me wrong there.


 No-o, it's not my little experiment in that sense, I'm just interested (what this thread says won't determine what I do in real life.)

It is nonsense, however. Asking people to give general predictions to general premises isn't some kind of hokey pokey read it in a magazine thing, it's usually how polling is conducted. People give general answers to which they're more inclined; but if questioned further they will add more and more conditions, given the length.


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## Falling Leaves (Aug 18, 2011)

Nick Carraway said:


> whew, remind me not to say a word to you! have fun with those cats by the way


Hey, Mr Mittens and Sir Snugglepuss are the only ones who understand me!


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## AriesLilith (Jan 6, 2013)

I'm not familiar with how people approach or gets approached, but wouldn't it be better to do it at bars or somewhere else where there's more receptivity of the idea? I guess that if you meet someone who is like wow out of this world, then it makes sense to try to approach, thought doing the approach so often in the public places seems a bit desperate.

One of the guys who approached me in the past when I was passing by, he didn't seem to want to stop the questionare, even thought I mentioned that I was going to meet my bf (which was true). I was polite thought a bit avoidant, his persistence kind of scared me as I expected any decent person would stop once they perceive my lack of interest.


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## Jennywocky (Aug 7, 2009)

AriesLilith said:


> I'm not familiar with how people approach or gets approached, but wouldn't it be better to do it at bars or somewhere else where there's more receptivity of the idea? I guess that if you meet someone who is like wow out of this world, then it makes sense to try to approach, thought doing the approach so often in the public places seems a bit desperate.


Some people do not hang out in bars as part of preference, but I understand your gist -- in a bar, this is more expected, and people who hang out in bars have tacitly put themselves out there. In public, you're more likely to just be going through your daily routine and aren't necessarily asking or expecting to be approached.



> One of the guys who approached me in the past when I was passing by, he didn't seem to want to stop the questionare, even thought I mentioned that I was going to meet my bf (which was true). I was polite thought a bit avoidant, his persistence kind of scared me as I expected any decent person would stop once they perceive my lack of interest.


That kind of scares me too. I don't like being rude to a stranger or misinterpreting his intent, but now I would feel that I had a potential problem, exacerbated by the guy's inability and/or unwillingness to perceive my indifference.


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## Promethea (Aug 24, 2009)

Nick Carraway said:


> NOPE. A Beta Male is a guy who has known a girl for a while (through social circle), fails to make a move on her, gets friendzoned, and then whines about it. A Beta Male is typically a guy that is too scared to even approach a girl or even talk to most of them.
> 
> You can call PUAs frauds, fakes, manipulative, and all of that nonsense and I WILL agree with you if you said that. A lot of them are to an extent even out of touch with reality but they are FAR from being beta males. It takes a lot of guys to go up to a complete stranger and hit on her and then have the guts to ask for her number in public as the whole crowd watches.
> 
> ...


This isn't a debate thread and he was asking for women's insight on this in particular, but you had to swoop in here and get defensive because you're afraid what I said applies to you.

Let me let you in on a little something. I have 17 years of dating experience. Yeah. 

And most of my life was spent living in a tourist resort where PUA ran rampant. I have just a wee little insight into this sort of thing.. and yes, its the sort of guys who want, and can't get sex from the socially celebrated types of people, in more organic way end up whining about "y so friend zoned." Maybe some PUA artists grow past that stage, but if they needed PUA in the beginning, they aren't naturally charismatic or "bad boy (lol)" enough on their own to have ever not felt like they live up to their own warped standards of pussy slayer. 

Of course I can't imagine the PUA guy finally getting enough of the fill it would take to mend his shattered ego -- but in theory I will agree that perhaps they can get there? Lol.

And yeah, any beta-male can pick up a PUA guide and go fake it. Of course they will always come off as a little more awkward than the guys who are naturally charismatic, and confident. Some might still fall for their spiel, but most will be turned off by it, leaving the wannabe alpha still, a little bitter.

A guy whos _naturally_ confident and charismatic doesn't _have_ to go play the numbers game, he doesn't _have_ to put himself out there in some desperate attempt this way. Girls probably approach -_him_-, and he has his pick -- because yes, *actual* confidence and charisma go a long way. Guys like that, who -actually- have charm, probably turn many dates away. They can afford to wait for quality instead of desperately try to burn through quantity/ -and- they already have high self-esteems so they don't need quantity to build up their ego. 

The "nice guy" / "beta-male" who learns to go through a few motions is a far stretch from actual natural alpha-male. And he can never be that, which is why he needs the compensatory fakery of PUA. And I'm not saying alpha-males can't be nice people, just using the ridiculous terminology thats floating around to amuse myself. But, my point stands, despite that. A natural charm that comes from within, is not something that a guy can fake with PUA, not well, and it will never turn organic. Hes only -ever- going to go through motions and at some point in each instance, the female victim will see through the facade he has generated because its not real and you can't fake it all the time, forever.

I'm not saying all women even want to date a guy whos extremely charming and charismatic, or that those guys have to be jerks in order to be that way -- but PUA is designed for the guys who aren't naturally that, to trick the women who are into that, into falling for guys who are faking it. 

There are human beings who will simply like another human being because they like their personality -- which is my "approach" personally. But the whole PUA thing is for people who don't have what it takes to "play the game" with other people who were I guess born to "play the game" (who naturally fit into the ebb and flow, socially), so they can use what they learn to prey on others and soothe their wounded egos.

Now, my point in my first post that somehow got under your skin, is that when its been tried on me, its like someone tossing a pebble at a tank. About that effective.. because who is this desperate weenie, obviously reciting a few things hes memorized, thinking that I will be taken in merely by the fact he was bold enough to try it? What does that -actually- say about him? Sorry but, romance is more complex than fast-food, for me.


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## snail (Oct 13, 2008)

Diphenhydramine said:


> You are in a public place, minding your own business. A guy comes and starts a conversation with you. After a brief conversation he asks for your phone number.
> 
> How do you think about this behaviour? Would you give the number, or would you take some other form of action? Do you think this is an appropriate method to get to know women? Do you think that this is an invasion of your privacy?


I'm married now, so I would definitely let the guy know that I wasn't available, in case he was interested in me that way.

Before I was married, it would have depended on whether I thought he was the kind of guy who approached a lot of random women with the idea that we are interchangeable sex objects. If he approached me and immediately started hitting on me, I would feel threatened and irritated. If he approached me and called me something annoying like "hey cutie!" or started complimenting me on my looks, I would feel threatened and irritated. If he approached me and started interrogating me, I would feel violated. If he approached me and immediately started talking about sexual topics, I would feel threatened and irritated. If he used obvious PUA tactics such as negging, or seemed unnaturally arrogant, I would feel offended. 

In fact, even if he wasn't being a jerk, if he approached me while I was minding my own business, I might feel uncomfortable about it unless he was approaching me to comment on something specific I was doing, such as to ask what I was drawing, to talk about a musical instrument I had with me, or to ask me if I made some item I was wearing. Perhaps entering an existing conversation would be okay under the right conditions, if he had something relevant to add, and if the conversation wasn't private, but barging into someone else's conversation without seeming rude can be a very delicate process that I don't personally recommend. 

If he seemed sincerely interested in me as a person, especially if he shared some of my hobbies, I might give him my Facebook contact information and give him permission to add me as a friend so we could get to know each other better. This would allow me to check out his Facebook profile and decide whether he seemed to share my values, or if he had any serious dealbreakers. I probably wouldn't give him my phone number unless he didn't have a computer and wanted to get together for a specific purpose, such as to go to a public jam session with me, or to participate in an art-related event.


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## strangestdude (Dec 8, 2011)

@_Nick_ Carraway @*Promethea* is right to a degree.

People attracted to or PUA noobs are 'beta' males, otherwise like she points out we and they wouldn't need PUA advice. It's what PUAs are referring to when they talk about 'naturals' and 'non naturals'.

However unlike her I do believe (and have witnessed) characters can change - and thankfully so do psychotherapists, psychiatrists, and community workers - so a 'beta' can become an 'alpha.

I've personally know 2 school friends who were bullied, bad with women, and socially meek people, who became 'charismatic, bad boy, alphas' and ladies men after they hit their early 20's.


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## Nick Carraway (Feb 11, 2013)

Promethea

MOST guys are not going to have the upbringing to be around good women and be naturally charismatic as you say. A lot of these naturally charismatic alphas that you talk about had great parenting and went to schools in great places which made them confident. Most PUAs did not have much of a role model growing up and didn't have that much of a chance to interact with women when little and on top of that doesn't have that active social circle.

What people don't understand about these PUAs is that most of them grew up in some egregious circumstances. These people went to schools with the kind of kids that end up in jail, they grew up in broken homes, or were really sheltered by their parents early on to interact that much with girls. 

People don't get where I am coming from when I say this, but building a social circle when you haven't had a decent one throughout your teenage years is extremely difficult. Cold approaching in some cases becomes your only option to progress dating wise. I have found that when I have chatted up with women who were strangers, even if I was not trying to pursue anything with them, it has made me feel better and more confident and even get over my mental hurdles. Growing up I never had that chance to talk to females because my parents would not let me and on top of that I never had the opportunity to learn anything about dating or talking to women at all.

By cold approaching, even if I don't ask her for her number, I get the chance to talk to a complete stranger that is a woman on a friendly basis even if it isn't sexual.

Now back to the natural part, most people aren't natural at anything. A lot of this is strictly upbringing. The naturals with women are often guys who had experience at an early age and grew up in sexually liberal societies where women were decent looking. There is nothing wrong with a guy who had a strict upbringing and then at a later age decided to learn the game, approach a bunch of women, get blown out, develop character from it, and eventually learn from his mistakes and get better with women because of that, in fact that kind of guy would be my role model.

I don't know why you guys are so hard on men that went to improve themselves and become better with women and yet at the same time praise these men who are scumbags and "naturals".

As a man who had a strict upbringing himself, I think guys who have had little to no experiences with women should cold approach given the opportunity, especially if they are in a big city or college town. Even if they don't do it for sex or for the purpose of getting laid, it will get rid of their anxiety towards talking to women. For me, cold approaching has managed to get me some friends, some dates, and I have felt more confident as a result of it. *I would NEVER discourage a guy who has had an unfortunate upbringing regarding women to do it, it is healthy and builds character, not to mention he loses his anxiety talking to women.*

Yet, I WILL AGREE with you on guys turning dates away. A lot of the PUAs you talk about come off as strong and desperate. The quality men who are attractive and just have the natural swagger have women going after them and as a result are more desirable to women. Yet, if a guy becomes comfortable talking to women who are strangers (through cold approach) and works on himself enough, he will become one of those guys, even though it will be a long process. As I said, it isn't genetics, majority of this (actually all of it) is upbringing.


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## strangestdude (Dec 8, 2011)

Nick Carraway said:


> I don't know why you guys are so hard on men that went to improve themselves and become better with women and yet at the same time praise these men who are scumbags and "naturals".


That baffles me to.

It seems like they want people to be satisfied with having a lack of social skills.


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## Promethea (Aug 24, 2009)

Nick Carraway said:


> Promethea
> 
> MOST guys are not going to have the upbringing to be around good women and be naturally charismatic as you say. A lot of these naturally charismatic alphas that you talk about had great parenting and went to schools in great places which made them confident. Most PUAs did not have much of a role model growing up and didn't have that much of a chance to interact with women when little and on top of that doesn't have that active social circle.
> 
> ...


The problem with your perspective is that you believe that one has to "LRN 2 WIMMIN" in the first place. That doesn't come from a lack of experience at dealing with women -- but from a poor self-esteem WHEN dealing with women, and then later you're further alienated from women by allowing this insecurity to be fed. 

A guy whos naturally confident and has a healthy self-esteem isn't going to just trip all over his dick because he hasn't learned some manipulative shit in order to even speak to a woman. I think that some people forget: women are just people. Confident with people? Confident with women.

Terrific example: http://personalitycafe.com/sex-rela...erning-cute-blonde-girls-bad-experiences.html


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## Nick Carraway (Feb 11, 2013)

Promethea said:


> The problem with your perspective is that you believe that one has to "LRN 2 WIMMIN" in the first place. That doesn't come from a lack of experience at dealing with women -- but from a poor self-esteem WHEN dealing with women, and then later you're further alienated from women by allowing this insecurity to be fed.
> 
> A guy whos naturally confident and has a healthy self-esteem isn't going to just trip all over his dick because he hasn't learned some manipulative shit in order to even speak to a woman. I think that some people forget: women are just people. *Confident with people? Confident with women.*


I speak for myself when I say that it is not true at all. I am confident talking to guys and make friends easily with them. I make friends easily with women too but I am still a 20 year old virgin. Again, the goal isn't to make friends with girls here, it is to progress on to being something else. All these naturals you talk about either have the seduction skills in hand (learn at a very earl age) or have the status and attractiveness that propels women towards them.


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## strangestdude (Dec 8, 2011)

Promethea said:


> Confident with people? Confident with women.


Attempting to try to cultivate romantic or sexual relationships, is different from trying to form platonic relationships. 

One reason why guys complain about getting 'friend zoned' is because they don't know how to do just that.


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## Promethea (Aug 24, 2009)

Nick Carraway said:


> I speak for myself when I say that it is not true at all. I am confident talking to guys and make friends easily with them. I make friends easily with women too but I am still a 20 year old virgin. Again, the goal isn't to make friends with girls here, it is to progress on to being something else. All these naturals you talk about either have the seduction skills in hand (learn at a very earl age) or have the status and attractiveness that propels women towards them.


To be frank here, I think that your difficulties romantically are more personal to you, and that sure, the general statements that I have made probably won't get to the meat of that issue. 

But you really should spend some time reflecting on the fact that women are just people, because it seems like you have some near phobia of engaging them on a certain level, from what I have seen in other posts of yours. You have built it all up in your head like they are incomprehensible and that you're set apart from them, divided.. We are all just human beings. Seriously.


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## snail (Oct 13, 2008)

Dismas said:


> In defense of those guys, hitting on strangers is how we're taught to get dates/sex.


Wow, that sucks.

I think most women consider a person rude and annoying if he hits on her randomly because it is the equivalent of saying, 

"I don't really know you or care who you are. I just want to associate with you because of your gender (and maybe your appearance,) without regard for your identity. If you reject me, I'll just try asking another random chick, since any (pretty) girl is just the same as any other. You're a female, which means you're for sex. I think I'm good at sex because I've read books about what all women, as a monolithic hive-mind, want. I might be willing to manipulate you by acting subservient, and if I do, that means I am entitled to sex. I might be willing to play up my arrogance so you'll think I'm an alpha male, and if I do, that means I'm entitled to sex. Regardless of which approach I take, I am about to pressure you into letting me put my penis inside of you so my guy friends will respect me more."

Seriously, that's what women are likely to hear, as the underlying tone of whatever is being said, when random guys come up to them and start trying to get their phone numbers. I'm sorry anyone has ever misled anyone else into thinking it was a good idea.


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## Promethea (Aug 24, 2009)

strangestdude said:


> Attempting to try to cultivate romantic or sexual relationships, is different from trying to form platonic relationships.
> 
> One reason why guys complain about getting 'friend zoned' is because they don't know how to do just that.


What happens is that attraction forms, often out of a similarity in values, and interests. My policy is 'friends first' when it comes to dating. I like to spend a long time getting to know someone and feelings might develop later. When you're simply relying on the initial romantic window, you're just allowing infatuation to blind you to who you both actually are. Its as I call it, natures way of trying to trick us into procreation. Spend more time together and you can't stand each others nasty habits, and don't want to mate. Its why I would rather actually know someone before going there. 

Is it hard to find an emotionally mature person who you click with? Yeah. But its not going to last between two people just because shes 'cute' and he knew the right words to say at the bar. 

Just looking for sex? Thats different. Sure, people do that and in my exp it doesn't take much to talk them into it when they're looking for it at 2am when the bars closing.


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## strangestdude (Dec 8, 2011)

@Promethea

Thankfully I've never had the problem of being chronically friendzoned, but I have been and have friendzoned women. The social skills needed to develop friendship is different to the skills need to develop a romantic or sexual relationship. Both men and women have that trouble. There are ways of relating that can help a romantic or sexual relationship develop.

I've never had trouble finding a relationship in a work environment, but outside of that context I'm terrible.

Also your advice of 'being friends first' pretty much dismisses successes in the dating scene in general (online dating sites, being set up by friends) relationships can and do develop by having your intention for a romantic relationship before hand, and pursing that form of relationship via 'dates'. The intention is not friendship then potential romance, and nor are social meetings engaged in with that intention, and yet they still can lead to meaningful relationship.


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## AriesLilith (Jan 6, 2013)

Thought it was a bit harsh, I guess that @_Promethea_ was right on some points, like how guys who tries to approach women in the public when it was not an expected circumstance can be perceived as less desirable. Maybe I can only speak for myself, but I did feel that way in my past experience. Maybe it depends on the guy, thought I could sense those guys awkwardness, as in they seemed to lack the natural confidence when trying to have a conversation with me (which made me even more uncomfortable). Maybe if they have more natural confidence and some charm it owuld give off a different vibe, thought the guys who are like that probably wouldn't feel the need to approach women randomly at street when they are passing by.
I see guys who has charm and charisma, or at least natural confidence and not desperate not into approaching women like that, and do it in more receptive places. Maybe they can meet other people through friends, but I'd think that even a more lone guy wouldn't need to fish at the streets. And then when someone is too actively seeking for the opposite, whether on the streets or more appropriate circumstances, just seems too obsessed and putting too much time in it.

But again, if you are not very confident, enough to not feel awkward in front of women you don't know, then approaching might be a bad idea. It can give off a scary impression.


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## Doll (Sep 6, 2012)

I couldn't vote on any of the poll results, because it would completely depend on the situation. I think you can feel an instant attraction to someone and it's not something tangible or explainable, necessarily. If it were someone that I felt an electic connection to, I would definitely give my number regardless of how it's asked for (unless the method somehow turned me off entirely, which is possible, like, "GIVE ME YOUR NUMBER SKANK" ... actually that would make me lol). 

And If I didn't feel it, I wouldn't - no matter how pleasantly or politely they might ask. I tend to know pretty quickly whether or not I'm interested in getting to know someone further; all the niceties don't really play into it.


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## LadyO.W.BernieBro (Sep 4, 2010)

newp. l just don't have that connection with guys. For women, l do, lt can be purely physical. lf te girl was cute, l would. No girls ever do this ;_;

with men, we need to have a non-verbal, kindred spirit thing happening. And no guy that l would have that with wold cold approach me. They operate differently.


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## Diphenhydramine (Apr 9, 2010)

@Promethea @strangestdude

I agree you should know somebody before. The idea of dating someone I've only just met and getting to know them through that sequence I think is a bit 'set up' and doesn't work particularly well since it leaves both people standing. 'Friends' might be a bit too much, but you should know the person and have some sort of access to their social circle first, I think, so you get a roughly observable view of what they're like -- and you can think up some better reason than the ones you come up with on first-dates.

On the other hand I think the 'friend zone' is a real thing; it's fairly common to have unreciprocal ideas about somebody, but I think a lot of people use it as a bitter verb, "she has friendzoned me..." rather than as a general concept about where you stand with a person. As has been repeated many times, nobody has an obligation to like you back. 

It's fine for friends to develop feelings for one another, even unreciprocally -- I think it's probably far more normal than people let on and doesn't necessarily damage a relationship.


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## Kitagawa Megumi (Jan 13, 2010)

AriesLilith said:


> I'm just speaking of the few experiences I had, but there were some guys who suddenly approached me (1 on 1) and then started to talk to me. They started to ask me stuffs about myself, like what's my name, where am I from (I'm Asian in Europe), my age, and I just try to give minimum reply. They would insist on going through the questionare and I found it kind of uncomfortable and not knowing how to end the situation. I was approached while waling in the public or waiting for some public transport.
> 
> Maybe I'm too introverted, maybe I'm a social penguim or maybe I'm too conservative and paranoid, but if I want to meet guys I'd go to a bar or go online. People can meet women that way, so I find people who approaches like those guys did is a bit desperate. But maybe if it's a different scenario and the approach was more casual and positive, and not a questionare like, it could have been better.



Maybe you were uncomfortable over how "forced" it felt like, not an experience that came about naturally... catching both you and them off-guard perhaps. Or maybe they were drawn to you and you weren't, the attraction just wasn't there. Just my two cents but... If an attractive stranger came about and talked to me, and the conversation flowed naturally, meaning, it wasn't one-sided - that would be pretty great actually.


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## Up and Away (Mar 5, 2011)

It all depends. If you are being considerate, then it's probably fine.


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## Ziwosa (Sep 25, 2010)

Diphenhydramine said:


> You are in a public place, minding your own business. A guy comes and starts a conversation with you. After a brief conversation he asks for your phone number.
> 
> How do you think about this behaviour? Would you give the number, or would you take some other form of action? Do you think this is an appropriate method to get to know women? Do you think that this is an invasion of your privacy?


I'm curious, what do you hope to learn from answers to your inquiry?
A more refined approach-a-woman technique? Merely just trying to understand their side?
Figuring out whether it's a good idea or not?


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## Diphenhydramine (Apr 9, 2010)

Ziwosa said:


> I'm curious, what do you hope to learn from answers to your inquiry?
> A more refined approach-a-woman technique? Merely just trying to understand their side?
> Figuring out whether it's a good idea or not?


 I'm just interested in what women think. This poll has no bearing on my real life behaviour.


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## AriesLilith (Jan 6, 2013)

apathy said:


> Maybe you were uncomfortable over how "forced" it felt like, not an experience that came about naturally... catching both you and them off-guard perhaps. Or maybe they were drawn to you and you weren't, the attraction just wasn't there. Just my two cents but... If an attractive stranger came about and talked to me, and the conversation flowed naturally, meaning, it wasn't one-sided - that would be pretty great actually.


Yeah I think that you are right, maybe if they were more physically attractive plus had a more natural confidence and made it feel more carefree rather than questionares I migt have felt more comfortable.  There are also factors like me being an introvert/shy person and then where I live it's very rare for men to approach at the streets out of nothing.

But if I were at a casual coffee place reading a book, and some stranger talked to me in a very casual, carefree way, with a few jokes, it might have been much better.


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## JaySH (Jul 29, 2012)

Diphenhydramine said:


> @_Promethea_ @_strangestdude_
> 
> I agree you should know somebody before. The idea of dating someone I've only just met and getting to know them through that sequence I think is a bit 'set up' and doesn't work particularly well since it leaves both people standing. 'Friends' might be a bit too much, but *you should know the person and have some sort of access to their social circle first, I think, so you get a roughly observable view of what they're like *-- and you can think up some better reason than the ones you come up with on first-dates.



The problem with this, while I do agree it's ideal, is it certainly limits your options. It's a big world with lots of people...to limit your options to only people who you'll someohow have access to through familiar social circles..well, that seems sad. The "soul mate" concept is one that may not hold much merit...there being only one person out there for each of us. But there are people who compliment our personalities and overall individual beings...and I believe finding them is rare. Following this tactic/rule for meeting "new" people would make it damn near impossible. Everyone would be settling, with a few lucky exceptions. 

Just my thoughts.


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## Doll (Sep 6, 2012)

JaySH said:


> The problem with this, while I do agree it's ideal, is it certainly limits your options. It's a big world with lots of people...to limit your options to only people who you'll someohow have access to through familiar social circles..well, that seems sad. The "soul mate" concept is one that may not hold much merit...there being only one person out there for each of us. But there are people who compliment our personalities and overall individual beings...and I believe finding them is rare. Following this tactic/rule for meeting "new" people would make it damn near impossible. Everyone would be settling, with a few lucky exceptions.
> 
> Just my thoughts.


I'd have to agree. I used to think that I couldn't possibly want to date someone until we were friends first, but my fiance I met by chance and we began dating that same week. When you click, you click. The old adage of "you just know" might sound cliche or even idealistic, but in my case it was spot on.


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## AriesLilith (Jan 6, 2013)

Doll said:


> I'd have to agree. I used to think that I couldn't possibly want to date someone until we were friends first, but my fiance I met by chance and we began dating that same week. When you click, you click. The old adage of "you just know" might sound cliche or even idealistic, but in my case it was spot on.


Actually I guess that I agree with this, I used to believe in being friends first (which filtered some bad boys away lol), but when it was my husband, we simply started dating 3 weeks after meeting. But I did see that he is a principled man who is into serious commitment, or else I doubt that I'd trust him so soon.


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## Drewbie (Apr 28, 2010)

Cold approach has yet to work on me, possibly because it only happens when I take public transportation. I hate being chatted up when I'm using public transit. I don't use it to make friends or dates and being cornered by a guy on a bus where I don't have the opportunity to say 'no thanks' and walk away is really uncomfortable. I can't even count the times I've been hit on while taking public transit only to have that turn into sexual harassment or threats when I decline. Then there are the guys that just don't give up, it doesn't matter how many times you say no they keep trying to get your number or offer you their number until you get off the bus and if you happen to get off at the same stop they try to follow you, and if you happen to run into them again while in public they try to act like you're best friends because they talked at your for half an hour and then try to get your number again by pretending you already gave it to them but they've lost it. It's not cute, it doesn't work. :dry: 

I would be less inclined to turn someone down if they approached me in a bookstore or someplace we can share a clear common interest, but it would take more than a few minutes of talking to get my contact information (more likely email rather than a phone number), we would have to have a good, full conversation. Even then, it's not very likely I'd give out any of my information. I don't go out into public to meet people I don't already know and most people don't hold my interest. 

If I want to meet new people I go to community events or conferences related to my interests, I join recreational clubs, I'll volunteer for causes or organizations that I want to support or sign up for a few classes, I might even go to a few parties or a bar. Point being, if I'm open to being approached for any type of relationship (friendship, dating, fucking, whatever), I'll make myself available by doing things that inherently start or make connections. Being in public in and of itself is not an invitation to hit on me.


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## milti (Feb 8, 2012)

Doll said:


> I'd have to agree. I used to think that I couldn't possibly want to date someone until we were friends first, but my fiance I met by chance and we began dating that same week. When you click, you click. The old adage of "you just know" might sound cliche or even idealistic, but in my case it was spot on.


That's how arranged marriage in my culture works as well. Or at least that's the general idea.

But I think the OP meant to ask about the cold approach as a tactic to get to _talk _to women, just in general, without any prospects or intentions of a long term commitment. I took it to mean a way to chat up someone; get over nervousness or remedy the "i'm single" status. In that case, a person would "collect" many numbers in one day to make sure at least a few gave a positive response.

In that context, I wouldn't be comfortable giving out my number/sharing details of my life (or even going out again) with someone who clearly was just looking for a fling or conquest or whatever it is called.


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## Promethea (Aug 24, 2009)

Drewbie said:


> Cold approach has yet to work on me, possibly because it only happens when I take public transportation. I hate being chatted up when I'm using public transit. I don't use it to make friends or dates and being cornered by a guy on a bus where I don't have the opportunity to say 'no thanks' and walk away is really uncomfortable. I can't even count the times I've been hit on while taking public transit only to have that turn into sexual harassment or threats when I decline. Then there are the guys that just don't give up, it doesn't matter how many times you say no they keep trying to get your number or offer you their number until you get off the bus and if you happen to get off at the same stop they try to follow you, and if you happen to run into them again while in public they try to act like you're best friends because they talked at your for half an hour and then try to get your number again by pretending you already gave it to them but they've lost it. It's not cute, it doesn't work. :dry:
> 
> I would be less inclined to turn someone down if they approached me in a bookstore or someplace we can share a clear common interest, but it would take more than a few minutes of talking to get my contact information (more likely email rather than a phone number), we would have to have a good, full conversation. Even then, it's not very likely I'd give out any of my information. I don't go out into public to meet people I don't already know and most people don't hold my interest.
> 
> If I want to meet new people I go to community events or conferences related to my interests, I join recreational clubs, I'll volunteer for causes or organizations that I want to support or sign up for a few classes, I might even go to a few parties or a bar. Point being, if I'm open to being approached for any type of relationship (friendship, dating, fucking, whatever), I'll make myself available by doing things that inherently start or make connections. Being in public in and of itself is not an invitation to hit on me.


This is what I hate most about public transportation. Being in public alone is often uncomfortable enough because of random guys thinking its acceptable to leer, make lewd remarks, and chat me up -- but when sitting alone on public transportation, you're just kind of stuck there and they take full advantage of it. They think its a compliment sometimes too but its not, its just aggravating and stressful because yeah, sometimes they get hostile after rejection.


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## Drewbie (Apr 28, 2010)

Promethea said:


> This is what I hate most about public transportation. Being in public alone is often uncomfortable enough because of random guys thinking its acceptable to leer, make lewd remarks, and chat me up -- but when sitting alone on public transportation, you're just kind of stuck there and they take full advantage of it. They think its a compliment sometimes too but its not, its just aggravating and stressful because yeah, sometimes they get hostile after rejection.


It may just be my bad luck, but out of all the guys who've hit on me on public transit I've only had one or two take rejection well. I love running errands alone and I love travelling alone, but it's almost always a more stressful experience than I'd like it to be.


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