# family drama



## docmcelroy (Feb 8, 2009)

So I have been having some family drama lately. My family normally has drama (we're just that way) but I am wondering how to handle this latest bout.

I have a couple of cousins who have enjoyed some well-deserved success lately. One of my cousins just got her master's degree after being the only member of the family to attend college. Another recently won a scholorship and has been having a good deal of career and personal success after he has not been the luckiest person for a while. I am very happy for them.

Meanwhile, my mom is the type who is very competetive and who always needs to be the center of attention and she hates them for it. She has turned very nasty and critical toward them and has said a lot of ugly stuff. (For example: "I hope after going into debt for that fancy degree someone will see past your weight problem and hire you for an actual job.")

Needless to say, none of them are speaking to her or having any kind of relationship with her anymore.
Now she expects me to gang up with her and cut off contact and not have a relationship with them either but I am not willing to do that. I am an only child. My cousins are the closest thing I have to siblings. Plus, my one cousin has the same kind of learning disabilities I have and he's the only one I can talk to who really gets it.

I am not willing to end my relationships with my family because of my mom's behavior. But as embarassed and ashamed as I am, I don't want to upset her, either. So I feel sort of caught in the middle. Should I tell her off and tell her what I think of how she's acting and treating other people? Or should I just try to ignore her and not mention talking to them?


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## knght990 (Jul 28, 2009)

Tough question. I have an aunt like your mother, we've learned to ignore her. 
When my parents do something i think they shouldn't i usually tell them. I figure its returning the favor for all the times they remind me of my mistakes.


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## TurranMC (Sep 15, 2009)

I have a lot of family problems so I can relate. Its hard but you just have to be clear to your mother that you don't support what she's doing. She is your mother so you don't want to disrespect her or be mean to her, but it is wrong of her to try to force you to take her side and you shouldn't feel bad about refusing. As said I have a lot of family problems, but me personally I get along with everyone. So often times people try to get me to take their side and they always claim I'm going too far to defend the other side. But I'm just doing what I think is right. If I think you're wrong, you're wrong. I am not going to take your side just because you think you're a better friend to me. If you know within yourself that your mom is in the wrong on this then you should not feel obligated to take her side just because she is your mom, and she should feel bad for trying to force you to.


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## WickedQueen (Jun 1, 2009)

If I'm in your position, I would apologize to my cousins for my mom's bad behavior, tell them what I really think about them (how happy and proud I am about their achievements), tell them that I love them, and make sure my mom knows everything I said to my cousins.

Then, I will tell my mom that I love and respect her, but I won't support her for everything she said and did to the cousins because I disagree with her. I will also tell her that she have to learn to deal with her own envy and jealousy.


.


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## Lady K (Oct 13, 2009)

Your situation is obviously a hard one, and I know how you feel. My dad is a very similar type of person. It's understandable that you don't want to hurt your mom, but there's a time and a place for you to stand up for what you believe in, and this is one of those times. If your mom loves you, and I'm sure she does, she'll come around eventually. The rest of your family will understand that you don't feel the same way that your mom does, and I fully recommend that you stay in contact with them. Family is important, and while your mom is family, she's alienating the closest people to you for petty, selfish reasons. Trust your instincts and stay close to your loved ones. Your mom will forgive you, the rest of your family might not if you side with her. Been there, experienced that. It can create a huge loss, and it sounds to me like it's not one you'd want. Best of luck to you in this situation.


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## Ninja (Jun 28, 2009)

Tell your mother what you think and how you feel. However, telling her off, is not needed.


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## Jennywocky (Aug 7, 2009)

docmcelroy said:


> <crazy mom story>


I can empathize deeply. My dad tends to be very judgmental of others. He also is an alcoholic but when anyone in the family did something he disliked or dared to challenge him on his alcoholism, he would just cut them out, bad-mouth them, and never talk to them...sometimes for years, and sometimes still ongoing.

I don't think there is a "wrong" answer by conventional means, there are various rational answers you can pick. I simply think that a "worse" answer is one that hurts you and ruins you in this and other relationships throughout the rest of your life.

With my dad, what I learned was to either try to accommodate/please others even if they were unreasonable, and also I worked hard to not upset him... I did the "avoidance" thing ... and do you know what? I spent most of my adulthood not really being my own person and feeling detached from people I loved because I hid everything if I feared conflict; and twenty years after I graduated (in my late 30's), I finally make some decisions for myself as an adult and my father first verbally and emotionally abused me, and then he cut me out of his life.

I see that twenty years as wasted now... I was trying to appease someone who was utterly unreasonable, and it got me nowhere except neurotic in some ways.

So I think one lesson to learn is that sometimes you have to risk losing someone if you think long-term they are unreasonable. Don't waste your life trying to suck up to a bully.

Since you're older and have been living sometime independently as an adult and are fully capable and expected to living that way, you're still autonomous in your own right despite being your "mom's kid." If you were still under her guardianship or care in some way, I'd recommend laying more low. And if she were also not openly forcing the issue, I would also recommend laying low. But now?

If she openly is putting the screws on you to dump them, while you still don't want to cut ties with your mom, I think it's perfectly reasonable to tell your mom that you believe people are avoiding her because she frankly has not been a nice person towards them, and while you aren't going to stop talking to her because she's your mom and you love her, you aren't going to stop talking to your cousins either because you're close to them, you love them, and that's the end of that.

Let her decide what to do with you. Chances are she will first start to bully you, then she will cut you out of her life for at least a bit if not longer until she realizes she's shooting herself in the feet. Consider it an "intervention" of sorts. Being an adult here and sticking up for yourself will probably demand some cost. If you deal with her reasonably but firmly (avoiding a "telling off" but being very clear in a calm adult-like version about what you need to do), then that gives maximum chance for things to one day get fixed again.


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## HollyGolightly (Aug 8, 2009)

I agree with Ninja, you can tell her but you don't need to tell her off.
You should do what you want to do, be loyal to yourself. You disagree with her so you have the right to show that.

My mother has done some stuff in the past and I haven't spoken up because I wanted to be loyal to her and I loved her so it was kind of hard for me to correct her. But red riding hood told be that when you love someone, it's not necessarily about giving them what they want, but giving them what they need. Your mother needs to know that her behaviour is unnacceptable.


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