# Growing up scares me! Help! X(



## iemanja (Feb 5, 2012)

I'm a bit concerned that this post may be asking too much of the PerC community, or that it is too personal. Oh well, here goes.

So I am almost going to finish high school, and it has recently just hit me, like a truck, that I will be an adult soon - no parents, no more rules to follow, no more readily available guidance. 

This, as you can imagine, is scary.

I know a lot of adults, and maybe it is just their backgrounds, but they seem to have led pretty miserable lives. Granted, these adults did not have adequate parenting (unlike me, my parents are good parents IMO) and were riddled with insecurities, but the fact they went through the pretty terrible experiences makes me scared, ie what if something really bad happens to me when I become an adult because I make mistakes that young people are more prone to making?

Is your quality of life just a luck of the draw? Or does everyone go through relatively traumatic experiences? 
Are bad things preventable (eg if you were brought up well/were more careful with not making mistakes would you have a happier life)?
Does anyone have any, you know, life advice?

Oh my goodness I sound like an insecure rambling wreck.
Reply or send me into therapy already! XD


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## Glenda Gnome Starr (May 12, 2011)

Take a deep breath.
Your parents will still be there for you. Talk to them. 
Are you going to college? That will give you some structure. Not as much as high school, but, still structure.
And don't worry so much about making mistakes. It is a human thing. 
To answer your question: are bad things preventable? Yes, some are and some are not. There are bad things that are the result of poor choices (drunk driving, texting while driving, smoking, taking drugs...) and bad things that happen because they happen (genetic illnesses, loss of job due to poor economy...)
Remember that you're never too old to learn something new and remember that you're not alone.
Hugs,
walking tourist


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## Inky (Dec 2, 2008)

Your experiences are what shapes you - so while having a good comfortable life is what people want, making mistakes and going through difficult times are what makes you stronger and more mature. Look forward to growing emotionally.

Plus, with responsibility comes the freedom! You'll have much more liberty with your choices and what you want to do with your life as compared when you were in high school.

As for your questions:


> Is your quality of life just a luck of the draw? Or does everyone go through relatively traumatic experiences?


It depends on your belief. Some people believe in fate, others in choice. Personally, I believe in choice. So I think every little thing you do adds up to how your life turns out. As long as you don't deliberately get yourself into trouble by doing silly things like drugs, getting involved in a gang etc, most of the time I think you should be fine. You never know though, when things like diseases, accidents and even natural disasters can strike your life. But the thing is, you can't live your life worrying about things like these! You live your life to the fullest - carpe diem! - and do your best to stay out of trouble, and don't worry about things you can't control.



> Are bad things preventable (eg if you were brought up well/were more careful with not making mistakes would you have a happier life)?
> Does anyone have any, you know, life advice?


“It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all - in which case, you fail by default.” 
― J.K. Rowling

You might also want to see the graduation speech she gave in Harvard - it is very inspiring:


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## Little Egg (Dec 26, 2010)

> it has recently just hit me, like a truck, that I will be an adult soon - no parents, no more rules to follow, no more readily available guidance.


It's not a bad thing to continue living at home, this is a stigma perpetuated by peers and pop culture. As for the guidance, I am pretty sure your family will always be available to you 



> what if something really bad happens to me when I become an adult because I make mistakes that young people are more prone to making?


Becoming an adult isn't really something that happens overnight, like on the day you turn 18 or whatever it's more of an accumulation of experiences ;p Try not to be afraid of making mistakes, we learn more from our mistakes than from anything else. Plus once a mistake is made you can't change it. You might be able to fix it but sometimes you won't be able to. Learning to accept is a part of life.



> Is your quality of life just a luck of the draw? Or does everyone go through relatively traumatic experiences?


I think everyone has a bit of luck and misfortune thrown into their lives which will be unavoidable. Definitely a lot of bad things can be prevented but in my experience, most of the bad things came from sources that were beyond my control (ie. forces of nature, employers, co-workers, friends, random acts from strangers, lovers). Whatever the problem may be, try to be calm and objective when solving it, be open minded and list your options, do your research, consult with family, friends and support groups. The PerC community is a support group in a sense ><, never forget that you are never alone in this world. I'm not saying to bury your feelings but being able to turn on an objective "you" will be helpful. Then when the day is done, cry, rant, punch to your heart's content and then do it all again the next day. 

Sometimes life will be very good to you and you will be happy for 5-10 yrs and when you least expect it you will get a lemon. Life really is like a roller coaster and no amount of preparation will make you ready for it at any age. Just when you think you have seen it all...you haven't 

@ iemanja, I really enjoyed this post, thank you, I didn't find it too personal. Everyone has insecurities, sometimes they never go away and sometimes they are conquered only to be replaced by another insecurity ;p


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## Adrift (Apr 5, 2011)

William Galston, a University of Maryland Professor of Public Policy, found that following these 5 steps will help you avoid long term poverty.

1. Graduate from High School,
2. If you decide not to attend college, find a job right away. Any job. The experience will make you more employable in the future.
3. Do not have a baby before getting married.
4. Find someone stable and kind to marry. Avoid losers/abusers.
5. Stay out of trouble/Don't get arrested. 

Following these simple steps will give you a 90% chance of avoiding long-term poverty.

Financial success doesn't mean happiness but it will make your life a little easier.


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## Daithi (Dec 13, 2011)

I think that the fact that you are concerned is a good thing, although it might be overboard. The people who led miserable lives where probably careless people. You seem to want to progress. You know right now that you want to live a life unlike some people you have observed. I also think this site is a good place to learn about yourself, so you know what you want to do.


And seeing a therapist is a good idea. I actually think everyone should see them, not just the crazy people.

And things to not do.
-becoming an alcoholic
-becoming a drug addict
-wasting time with bad relationships
-being close minded to new ideas and perspectives. This puts restrictions on the person. A person believing that they dont need to grow, because they are grown up, even though they more like a kid, will make them stay as a kid forever. Until they change their attitude.


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## bellisaurius (Jan 18, 2012)

> no more rules to follow, no more readily available guidance.


Haha! Belive me, there will be no shortage of rules or people telling you what to do when you get older. 



> I know a lot of adults, and maybe it is just their backgrounds, but they seem to have led pretty miserable lives.


If you're the type who's generally happy with life, my guess is you'll continue to do so, true within a wide range of outcomes. I think that's a perspective thing. Happy people either tend to take in available information as positive, or they're hopeful that it will become positive. 



> Or does everyone go through relatively traumatic experiences?


This is the obverse of the above. I think most people experience things relative to their own life. Some thing will seem traumatic to you regardless of whether they are objectively to an outsider. 

my final advice? Assume things will work out OK if you put forth some effort and have a plan.


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## iemanja (Feb 5, 2012)

Thank you everyone! Your replies have been very calming, reassuring and inspirational.
I would just like to use this post to express how grateful I am for the time each of you have taken to read and respond to this post.


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## Zster (Mar 7, 2011)

I am fairly certain that almost EVERY young person feels this way some of the time - I know that I did. "Growing up" takes the rest of your life to actually happen, so take it in small steps. College is a wonderful transition wherein you get more independent, but in small doses. Others your own age are walking a similar path of change, so keeping in touch with peers can help.

Also keep in mind, mistakes can be real effective teachers. Try not to beat yourself up when you inevitably make them, but do try to learn froom each experience - such is how wisdom is accumulated.

It can seem scary or overwhelming. Try to stay in today and not worry about the future; it will become today soon enough. When the going gets tough, keep in mind that it WILL pass - ride it out. And remember to celebrate small successes and to take time to smell the roses along the way.


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## bowieownsmysoul (Feb 26, 2012)

iemanja said:


> I'm a bit concerned that this post may be asking too much of the PerC community, or that it is too personal. Oh well, here goes.
> 
> So I am almost going to finish high school, and it has recently just hit me, like a truck, that I will be an adult soon - no parents, no more rules to follow, no more readily available guidance.
> 
> ...


This is something that I have struggled with a lot in my life. I like to have control over the outcomes, but many times you cannot. I did very well academically in high school, and where I went to school, you tend to get praised for that a little more than you deserve. There is the tendency to believe that your success in high school is a direct representation of what your chances of success are in the "real world." This is not true.

Is it just that you don't have a career plan? This is what worried me. I chose a major pretty much at random and only now, at the age of 24 am I realizing that I might want to do something different. Am I miserable? Not anymore. I was only miserable when I chose to make myself that way...and not take my meds. 

Hmm...it might not be a bad idea to meet with some sort of counselor--maybe a therapist, a life coach or advisor of some kind, just to ease your worries. 

The one piece of advice that I can give you is always think for yourself. In addition, it is always alright to say no, this is not for me. It doesn't matter who it is, you always have that right. I know they caution you against peer pressure in high school, but it is much more important afterwards. Do not let others manipulate you, especially guys.

The most intriguing question in your post, to me anyway was this--what if worse things happen to me as an adult...it is always possible that they will. Anything can happen. But, I think it's likely that you will be better prepared than you would have been as a child. Any of the horrific things that happen to adults can happen to children as well. You can help yourself by being vigilant, but at the end of the day one must accept that not everything is under human control. At this point, I'd settle for 80 percent.

Also--in college, especially if you major in the Humanities or Sociology two things may happen: 1)People, even professors will try to freak you out claiming that there are no jobs out there and you will be poor. This is a lie. There are jobs for anyone who wants to work. The problem is finding one that is fulfilling for you. It's not impossible though. :wink: 2) And this is much more insidious: many Social Science programs...but not all, put out the subtle message that human beings are oppressed and powerless and that even if you believe this not to be true, you are duped. If you find yourself surrounded by Marx quoting hippies, run don't walk to the nearest Starbucks. This is the only antidote. 

I think you will be fine. A lot of people ruin their lives by making terrible choices, but you seem more thoughtful than that. Of course--there is always the random terrorist attack, gun toting psycho or speeding bus. But, if I have managed to avoid it, head-strong dare devil that I am, there is a good chance that you will too. roud:


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## iemanja (Feb 5, 2012)

Again, people: I'd quote and reply to the good posts, but that's the thing... they're *all* so full of amazing advice!
I hope everyone is having a brilliant life so far!


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## Esilenna (Jul 10, 2011)

What you need to do is get an artist to become completely devoted to you, so that he'll want to paint your portrait. We can skip the step of having the artist's friend nearby as the portrait is being finished to instill in you a terror of losing your youth, because you already have that part covered. Now, when your artist unveils his masterpiece, you must fall irrevocably in love with your own beauty, and declare that you would sell your soul if only the painting could age instead of you. Then you're all set, unless you become cruel and heartless, in which case...

Oh, sorry. That's the plot of The Picture of Dorian Gray. My bad.


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## Metalcookie (Aug 13, 2011)

This whole 'growing up' is kind of bothering me as well.
I have a few years left before I finish high school, and after that I'll have my hands full with college stuff.
But still, the knowing that in several years I'll get the responsibilities for myself pushed in my own hands unsettles me a bit. I don't want to have those responsibilities yet, I just want to relax and do some fun things.

But then I procrastinate my worries because I have the time left to do so, and continue being lazy.

(Just throwing my thoughts out there, not trying to commandeer your thread :tongue


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