# Can Someone Explain SX a Bit More to Me? ^^'



## Jewl (Feb 28, 2012)

I'm not entirely sure I understand it all the way. So and Sp I can completely understand. Sx? *insert confused puppy face* 

I consider myself to be so/sp. Then some people mentioned how the last instinctual variant you have is your "blind spot". From what I understand about Sx, it makes you want to have deep connections with everybody... I think. Especially gender that attracts you. Or something. x3 I don't know if this is my "blind spot" or not suddenly. 

But perhaps if somebody were to try and explain Sx a bit more for me, that would help clear my confusion. What is the thing that sets Sx apart from So and Sp? What sets So/Sx apart from So/Sp? How can you tell if Sx is part of your instinctual variant as your dominant or second variant?


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## sodden (Jul 20, 2009)

The general instinct descriptions in this post are my favorite. All of them are listed so you can check it out, but here's the sexual variant quoted for you.


> The Sexual Variant
> 
> Many people initially want to identify themselves as this Variant, perhaps because they believe that this would mean that they are sexy or because they enjoy sex. Of course, sexiness is highly subjective, and there are "sexy" people in all three of the instinctual variants. If we wish to be one Variant rather than another, it is good to remember that the personality tends to interfere with and distort the dominant instinct. Thus, people of the Sexual Variant tend to have recurrent problems in the areas of intimate relationships. As with the other Variants, we need to see the way that the instinct plays out more broadly.
> 
> ...


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## Jennywocky (Aug 7, 2009)

JuliaBell said:


> I consider myself to be so/sp. Then some people mentioned how the last instinctual variant you have is your "blind spot". From what I understand about Sx, it makes you want to have deep connections with everybody... I think.


That is part of it for me.

Socials seems to enjoy the ability to network with people / contribute to the group / have looser connections. But it seems to be considered in a "breadth rather than depth" way.

When I consider my relationships with others:

I am capable of having casual relationships and networked connections and a place in the group (SO style), and I am also capable of being alone and making use of that time and enjoying it on some level and only letting in people I've vetted (SP style); but the end result is that I'm still miserable in either of those situations. I typically feel empty and isolated, no matter HOW many people know me or that I'm acquaintances with. The reality is that I really need at least one relationship that is "buzzing" -- someone that I am merging with in a sense. It can be a close friend, it can be an SO, but it has to feel intense and connected and like I'm diving in very deep and we know each other and are completely open with each other and want to be together and invest in it (SX). If I'm in a relationship like that, I don't feel alone and miserable; I just want to go deeper. 

The thing is that, even if I have one of those relationships, my instinct in any other relationship with an individual I form still has that desire to go deep and "buzz." I find myself disappointed at work being surrounded by people who I've tried to connect with and who either nothing has developed with or who are happy to have this shallower (not in the bad sense, I'm just having trouble thinking of a better word) connection with boundaries. I'm always wanting to go further down and further in, I don't like the boundaries even if I'm very careful to respect them; I look for people who I connect with and who want to plunge in as deep as they can go too.

The quoted post is good too. The "buzzing" experience is not just with people, it's also with activities that resonate with me. I like to feel a charge in whatever I do, and if it's not there, I feel immensely bored, immensely lost, and immensely miserable if I'm forced to do that activity for a prolonged period of time. (for example, a particular job that I have to keep working for the money.)

I feel kind of like a shark, in the sense if I stop moving and stop searching for that elusive connection/intensity of feeling, I'll stop breathing and die.


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## Jewl (Feb 28, 2012)

@brainheart - Thank you. I think I read that once, but I forgot about it until now.  I think my main question is, "How can you tell if you yourself have SX?" I'm suddenly having hard time finding my instinctual variant. I am pretty sure I am So dominant. I can tell instantly how an entire group of people is interacting with each other when I see it. I can tell exactly which group of people I would rather hang out with. At the same time, I have very developed Sp. I'd call the Sp side of my very balanced. Yet, I know that I also search for one person to talk to a lot of the time. I like _deep_ connections with people. Although I don't always decide to hang with the person I know whose energy is most intense because I may see another person in the corner of the room who looks a bit lonely. Then again, I wonder as an ENFP this could cause some confusion for me when trying to come up with instinctual variants? x3 

How can I know which instinctual variant is my "blind spot"?


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## Jennywocky (Aug 7, 2009)

JuliaBell said:


> How can I know which instinctual variant is my "blind spot"?


I don't know if the "blind spot" analogy holds up.

For the example given earlier of the party, I actually sense things from all three perspectives. I sense who has power and who can get me what I want, enable things to happen, I sense the relationships between people by how they're acting toward each other. I also am aware of the environment, the position of things, the safe/dangerous areas, etc. But I'm also aware of who "jolts" me when I come within proximity; I'm this way especially with art and craftsmanship too, capable of recognizing when a particular craft/artistic product of someone is "more" than average, I immediately get a jolt out of the extraordinary talent that other people don't always seem to feel like I do.

All that is assigned to variants in this paradigm. However, what is assigned to SO could just be social awareness similar to Fe or organization structure like Te; the SP stuff can just be hypersensitivity to one's environment, if one suffers a lot of anxiety; etc. It depends on what paradigm one wants to use to describe the ability/behavior. I don't really think being skilled at more than one set of behaviors is an anomaly, and so it makes the 'blind spot' thing difficult to test the validity of. One might not have a "blind spot," one might just really have a preoccupation with one of the three... or, as I said earlier, when I have the opportunity to fulfill SO, SP, and/or SX goals, only the satisfaction of the SX goal leaves me happy, the other two still leave me empty.


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## Jewl (Feb 28, 2012)

@Jennywocky - Ah, that makes sense. I was quite confused about the "blind spot" analogy. Because I feel I don't exactly have a blind spot. I can feel within me all three So, Sp, and Sx. It's a bit hard telling the difference between simply being a sixteen year old girl and Sx, I feel. ^^' That probably sounds funny, but it's true. x3


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## sodden (Jul 20, 2009)

JuliaBell said:


> @brainheart - Thank you. I think I read that once, but I forgot about it until now.  I think my main question is, "How can you tell if you yourself have SX?" I'm suddenly having hard time finding my instinctual variant. I am pretty sure I am So dominant. I can tell instantly how an entire group of people is interacting with each other when I see it. I can tell exactly which group of people I would rather hang out with. At the same time, I have very developed Sp. I'd call the Sp side of my very balanced. Yet, I know that I also search for one person to talk to a lot of the time. I like _deep_ connections with people. Although I don't always decide to hang with the person I know whose energy is most intense because I may see another person in the corner of the room who looks a bit lonely. Then again, I wonder as an ENFP this could cause some confusion for me when trying to come up with instinctual variants? x3
> 
> How can I know which instinctual variant is my "blind spot"?


Personally, I don't pay attention to the whole "blind spot" aspect because I find it confusing. For example, an unhealthy self-pres type might neglect their health, an unhealthy sexual might avoid intimacy, and an unhealthy social might avoid social interaction, so it could look like this is their blind spot, but it's more like the instinct is in unhealthy hyperdrive. I think it's better to focus on which of them you relate to the most. Seeing a person in the corner of the room who is lonely and then wanting to talk to them is not the same thing as singling someone out because you feel an electrical current shooting between you and them, that sounds more like being nice and wanting them to feel included, which I could see coming more from a social focus. I think a good example of the sexual variant is Romeo and Juliet- they are from warring families and they are supposed to hate each other but they can't help their attraction and strong connection, even though it might be detrimental to their health or their family. Sexual variant also, as the excerpt I quoted states, is about intensity in regards to your interests. For example, I come on this site and I have a hard time getting away from it even though it's messing with my schedule, I'm not getting stuff done, I'm not doing the things that would be better for me to do, but when I'm in the midst of this stuff I kind of forget about the rest of my life and my priorities. I think sexual types are more inclined to lose track of time because they are so hyperfocused on what interests them. This intense focus on one thing, one person can lead to problems with addiction and obsession. 

If you are a so/sx, the sexual variant is going to seem a little less intense than it would with a sx dom, because you are more focused on your social variant than on your sexual variant. There will be more consideration of a wider scope vs your narrow focus, if that makes sense. So/sp, I'm not exactly sure. I would think they would be more grounded than a so/sx, but as you say, as an ENFP if you are so/sp it might make that a little less obvious.


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## sodden (Jul 20, 2009)

JuliaBell said:


> @Jennywocky - Ah, that makes sense. I was quite confused about the "blind spot" analogy. Because I feel I don't exactly have a blind spot. I can feel within me all three So, Sp, and Sx. It's a bit hard telling the difference between simply being a sixteen year old girl and Sx, I feel. ^^' That probably sounds funny, but it's true. x3


You're only sixteen? well yeah, then that will be hard for sure. You might not want to consider all of this at the moment...


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## Jewl (Feb 28, 2012)

brainheart said:


> You're only sixteen? well yeah, then that will be hard for sure. You might not want to consider all of this at the moment...


True. ^^ The best course of action would be to simply wait and self-reflect. I've been slowly realizing this. Perhaps that is why it was so hard to find my Enneagram type, and I don't think it was simply lack of self reflection. Still, I think this is a very good thing to consider, even if I don't come to a solid conclusion in the near future. I don't have to. What I want to do is to be able to distinguish the feelings inside myself. Oftentimes I have thoughts and do things that I know I think and do simply because I am sixteen, and I try and point those things out to myself. I think distinguishing those things is important. 

While it is harder to find my instinctual variant at my age, I doubt it is impossible - although you may want to say wait until you've gotten past this stage and you've become more of "yourself". Out of curiosity, why do you say I shouldn't think about "all of this" and what you you mean by "all of this"? 

If I look past the silly sixteen year old girl inside, I think I am more So/Sp than So/Sx. I'm not going to set that in stone, though.


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## sodden (Jul 20, 2009)

JuliaBell said:


> True. ^^ The best course of action would be to simply wait and self-reflect. I've been slowly realizing this. Perhaps that is why it was so hard to find my Enneagram type, and I don't think it was simply lack of self reflection. Still, I think this is a very good thing to consider, even if I don't come to a solid conclusion in the near future. I don't have to. What I want to do is to be able to distinguish the feelings inside myself. Oftentimes I have thoughts and do things that I know I think and do simply because I am sixteen, and I try and point those things out to myself. I think distinguishing those things is important.
> 
> While it is harder to find my instinctual variant at my age, I doubt it is impossible - although you may want to say wait until you've gotten past this stage and you've become more of "yourself". Out of curiosity, why do you say I shouldn't think about "all of this" and what you you mean by "all of this"?
> 
> If I look past the silly sixteen year old girl inside, I think I am more So/Sp than So/Sx. I'm not going to set that in stone, though.


I'm not saying don't think about it. You are obviously an intelligent, self-aware person, and there are many things about the enneagram I wish I had known when I was younger, it might have saved me some pain. I just don't think you need to be absolute about your instinct stacking or anything. I would just say take what you can from it and allow your life to progress, that's all. And if you think you are a so/sp, chances are you're right


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## Jamie.Ether (Jul 1, 2011)

Is the sx variant in any way related to thriving in a crisis situation? 
I find myself doing surprisingly well in really serious or intense situations, but when I am bored, I can really lose my mind.


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## Sonny (Oct 14, 2008)

JuliaBell said:


> I think my main question is, "How can you tell if you yourself have SX?" I'm suddenly having hard time finding my instinctual variant. I am pretty sure I am So dominant. I can tell instantly how an entire group of people is interacting with each other when I see it. I can tell exactly which group of people I would rather hang out with. At the same time, I have very developed Sp. I'd call the Sp side of my very balanced. Yet, I know that I also search for one person to talk to a lot of the time. I like _deep_ connections with people. Although I don't always decide to hang with the person I know whose energy is most intense because I may see another person in the corner of the room who looks a bit lonely. Then again, I wonder as an ENFP this could cause some confusion for me when trying to come up with instinctual variants? x3


Heh, I'm experiencing the same dilemma with the difference of being twice your age, a T, and pretty dismissive with paying attention to the basic needs as a sp would see them.

My bigger issue isn't about the 'blind spot' but the idea that your second trait is supposed to be most balanced and neither sp or sx are for me imo.

I find the mostly social but sometimes anti-social aspect of the So making it tough to figure out what comes next. I love intensity and poking at the depth of others, a passionless person is something that makes my insides weep, but I spread myself thin with people not seeking continuity of any depth of connection. It's like "out of sight" for me is consequently out of mind.

Clearly I come with no answers for you :laughing:


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## LibertyPrime (Dec 17, 2010)

Jennywocky said:


> That is part of it for me.
> 
> Socials seems to enjoy the ability to network with people / contribute to the group / have looser connections. But it seems to be considered in a "breadth rather than depth" way.
> 
> ...


I'm So/Sx can relate to what I bolded (lack of stimulation and intensity is suffocating and it isn't about the people or the connection. Its about how it makes one feel, alive or dead), but I wouldn't say I like having "a network of social contacts" and while I would enjoy being part of a group, I am not a sheep and haven't found a group which meets my various high standards.

To me my family is important, I have found very few people I can be open enough with in order to consider them friends (can count them on hand). Social doesn't necessarily mean "being social". I have moderate social phobia, am an introvert (don't enjoy spotlight, need time alone to contemplate and recharge). 

Despite this I am very aware of what goes on in a group or on larger social scales, am inclined to look out for the best interests of everyone around me. If I manage to be on decent terms with others, then I'll be safe and can expect some measure of help when and if I ask for it. 

I wonder if you enjoy walking alone surrounded by nature, with few people around just listening to music and meditating on your own thoughts.


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## Jennywocky (Aug 7, 2009)

Rim said:


> I wonder if you enjoy walking alone surrounded by nature, with few people around just listening to music and meditating on your own thoughts.


What's funny is that those two things (either listening to music in the dark and thinking, or going out into nature to walk and walk and walk) are the only two things I have to help me deal with the loneliness.

Relationships seem to be so disappointing, the connections never go deep enough or seem fleeting; and at least at those two times, I can lay all that complexity and disappointment aside and just lose myself in the world or in the music and my mind. Sometimes i wish I could just get on the trail and walk and never stop walking, or that I could fly up into the air and ... lose myself and not come back, merging with the world. I've had those feelings a lot lately, but I've had them all my life to a lesser degree, on a periodic basis. The feeling is usually associated with teariness nowadays... I just want to be released from all the inconsistencies of dealing with human beings, i want freedom. Merging with the world or with music is a kind of freedom.


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## Jewl (Feb 28, 2012)

Rim said:


> I'm So/Sx can relate to what I bolded (lack of stimulation and intensity is suffocating and it isn't about the people or the connection. Its about how it makes one feel, alive or dead), but I wouldn't say I like having "a network of social contacts" and while I would enjoy being part of a group, I am not a sheep and haven't found a group which meets my various high standards.
> 
> To me my family is important, I have found very few people I can be open enough with in order to consider them friends (can count them on hand). Social doesn't necessarily mean "being social". I have moderate social phobia, am an introvert (don't enjoy spotlight, need time alone to contemplate and recharge).
> 
> ...


Hmm... interesting. O_O Y'know I can relate to some of this... Despite being an extrovert, I need time alone. More so than other extroverts, I think. I live in the country and I only get to see my friends once a week on Sunday (as I go to an online school), so I get lonely quite a lot. However, sometimes after an insanely busy people-filled week, I like to take a step back. I like to go on walks alone on our property and especially love doing so while listening to music. ^^ I enjoy the feeling, and it helps something somehow.


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## LibertyPrime (Dec 17, 2010)

Jennywocky said:


> What's funny is that those two things (either listening to music in the dark and thinking, or going out into nature to walk and walk and walk) are the only two things I have to help me deal with the loneliness.
> 
> Relationships seem to be so disappointing, the connections never go deep enough or seem fleeting; and at least at those two times, I can lay all that complexity and disappointment aside and just lose myself in the world or in the music and my mind. Sometimes i wish I could just get on the trail and walk and never stop walking, or that I could fly up into the air and ... lose myself and not come back, merging with the world. I've had those feelings a lot lately, but I've had them all my life to a lesser degree, on a periodic basis. The feeling is usually associated with teariness nowadays... I just want to be released from all the inconsistencies of dealing with human beings, i want freedom. Merging with the world or with music is a kind of freedom.


I imagine this is the curse of being Sx. Not sure what to do about it. -.- it is especially problematic in very long term relationships. Maybe finding a passion and not relying on people to fill this need is a better idea. Others are not under my or your control and they are how they are, our area of total control extends only to ourselves. We can choose to find fulfillment in other activities which in turn may lower the need for more intimacy with others. (or it may not)

I admit it is a shitty place to be. I can feel alone in a crowd and bored out of my mind at a party, often wonder how people can live their lives working boring jobs with no greater meaning to it on the horizon...there has to be more to life then just what is...I'm not even Sx first ^^; wonder how bad it is for sx firsts.


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## Jewl (Feb 28, 2012)

Rim said:


> I imagine this is the curse of being Sx. Not sure what to do about it. -.- it is especially problematic in very long term relationships. Maybe finding a passion and not relying on people to fill this need is a better idea. Others are not under my or your control and they are how they are, our area of total control extends only to ourselves. We can choose to find fulfillment in other activities which in turn may lower the need for more intimacy with others. (or it may not)
> 
> I admit it is a shitty place to be. I can feel alone in a crowd and bored out of my mind at a party, often wonder how people can live their lives working boring jobs with no greater meaning to it on the horizon...there has to be more to life then just what is...I'm not even Sx first ^^; wonder how bad it is for sx firsts.


You know, feeling alone in a crowd, bored at a party, and feeling as though there's some piece constantly missing isn't just an Sx thing, I am sure of it. We all search for something "deeper" some sort of "meaning". Some search for it in relationships, in that passion. Some search for it through adventure, some search for it in nature, and some in music. Christians will tell you these moments are us longing for heaven, for perfection - we don't belong here. But, even if that's not what you believe, that feeling is part of being human, and it's so easy to lose ourselves in times such as those.


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## LibertyPrime (Dec 17, 2010)

JuliaBell said:


> You know, feeling alone in a crowd, bored at a party, and feeling as though there's some piece constantly missing isn't just an Sx thing, I am sure of it. We all search for something "deeper" some sort of "meaning". Some search for it in relationships, in that passion. Some search for it through adventure, some search for it in nature, and some in music. Christians will tell you these moments are us longing for heaven, for perfection - we don't belong here. But, even if that's not what you believe, that feeling is part of being human, and it's so easy to lose ourselves in times such as those.


Yeah I think you are right. ^^ I'm not Sx first, of that I am sure (lucky), so I'm unaware of how and what exactly it is.

However I know what being So first is and I can tell you clearly, that for me it means that *I'm broken socially*. I have problems with it like social phobia, anxiety, hyper-awareness of social situations and it is very difficult not to notice these things or think about them. It really sux in part and in part I have this "global overview" of stuff happening around me with everything on the social scale. This part of the enneagram is more about nurture and what people's "dysfunction " is. The primary instinct is a crutch we lean on to survive.

You are an NF right? You probably know how shitty it feels like when you enter a room and there is tension in the air, people are on the edge and a fight is about to break out. You can feel it as if it were emotional pain seeping into you right? (well I can ^^; it sux too). Being So works kinda the same, I'm hypersensitive to "social stuff"...and I dislike being social because of it (aka unhealthy crutch).

Sp firsts for some reason needed to watch their own health and resources early in life, so maybe they were poor, sick and other things related to that, for So firsts..well I can only speak from my experience. I grew up in a socially draining family where I had to watch my mouth, internal politics and structure was dangerous to my emotional health, I also suffered national discrimination and group abuse. So yeah whoopty-do, not fun.  wonder what would make someone sx first...<.< born that way?


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## Jewl (Feb 28, 2012)

@Rim - Yes, I'm an NF. Emotions easily seep into me. I can feel them around me and they effect me in turn. Seeing somebody angry makes me anxious. Seeing somebody sad makes me teary. Seeing somebody ashamed makes me feel shame. I know that I'm So first - I suppose that's my crutch then. 

I've never had anything happen to me quite so badly as it happened to you. However, being NF and So did make me quite shy at times, and I was very "hyper-aware" - I still am in fact, although it took me a while to get over being paranoid about it. You had more reason than I did to feel that way. All I had was some key awful school experiences. 

My mom had a bad time in her family. In fact, she hasn't told me all the details about it, and I suspect it is much worse than what I know. I can tell her instinctual variant is So. I've even talked to her about it. ^^ It's a messed up family on my mom's side - I know for a fact she was severely verbally abused and guilt manipulation was constantly used against her. That's why she tells us she'll never use guilt manipulation. She constantly thinks lowly of herself, and it hasn't been until recently after getting on meds for depression that she has been able to compliment herself. She had to be socially aware around her family all the time. For her leaning on So meant being socially broken, but she has gotten over much of that. I'm not entirely sure if that's even somewhat encouraging to you, or if you can relate to it.


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## Thalassa (Jun 10, 2010)

Sx people are usually very intense, they project intensity to a point that they can be seen as anything from charismatic to notorious to nasty and mean. 

However, I think some personalities with sx surprise people because they only show it at some times, maybe because of being more introverted. Like people tell me I have a quiet intensity about me, but other people are actually surprised when they see me become very expressive with my intensity. 

But yeah - anyway, that's how sx dom people can _appear. _They can be polarizing people sometimes in social groups, they can be loved and hated...and often it's because they WANT to be loved or hated rather than ignored.

Sx people want intimacy, and not necessarily with "everyone" ...they just value intimacy very highly, as well as other intense experiences, and can sometimes be obsessive about an interest, pouring their sx into that instead of into another person, because that's not always possible.

Sx people can sometimes come across as "too much" or "over the top" or just wanting more closeness than other people are ready for or willing to share.

I've also always been a very sexual person, and some sx people will literally be very sexual people, even promiscuous - but that doesn't mean that sx always means that, because some sx people would rather be fervently and intensely celibate with a kind of intensity and focus their sx into other pursuits.


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