# Disgusted with gross habbits in the past and it's clouding my mind. I can't focus.



## anx (Jan 18, 2013)

Gah. I'm so disgusted with myself. I can't believe how ignorant and gross I was. If you can't handle gross things, you might not want to read this. I'm really disgusted with myself.

I guess I'll start with this. I've had pretty severe anxiety all throughout my life and I've never had many friends and I isolated myself from everyone. I was just not a social kid and I'm still not. I was so anti-social and isolated, I didn't know what sex was or how it worked exactly until 7th grade. My parents never talked to me about sex or anything. They've never talked to me about it. And now at 18, still not a word. I don't know if they just thought it was awkward to talk about or something, but it's caused me problems trying to figure it out on my own back when I was only 11.

You can probably see where this is going. I really don't want to get into details, but the point is, I did some gross things, that stopped once I turned 12. At about 14 I had a massive wake-up call. It was almost like my life had been on autopilot my entire life and then suddenly I was alive and aware of myself. Grossed out by what I'd done, I kind of started getting some bad OCD germaphobia habits and other things.

Okay, so years I'd totally forgot about it and I lived just fine, but for whatever reason suddenly within the last 4 or 5 months I had a huge wave of thoughts worrying about how gross it was to do what I did.

I'm having a really hard time living with these thoughts. My anxiety is going insane right now, I'm going to the doctor soon to see if there's something I can do to reduce that. School is picking up. I have a new girlfriend, who I feel like I'm not worthy of because of those habits. I'm trying to get a job. It's really stressful having everything going on as it is and with what I did, just makes it terrible.

I really need help to overcome this somehow. I just want to move on and to focus again. I haven't been able to do any of my normal things I like to do because I can't get it out of my head. I'm just so truly disgusted with myself.

I feel like someone I'd never want to be. You always hear about issues other kids have and you just think, "Oh my god, how could you do that? That's so gross. Why?" And now I'm one of those people. I just want those few years of my life to disappear, but that can't happen.


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## funcoolname (Sep 17, 2011)

I don't know what you did, but honestly, it shouldn't matter as long as you didn't hurt anyone else. Have you been around on the internet? Have you seen My Strange Addiction (Tv show I've never actually watched but read synopses of episodes)? Humans are strange, curious, and occasionally gross beings. Especially when we are young and trying to figure out what's what. At that point we aren't entirely socialized, we don't know right/wrong/weird/normal - we're kids. My parents never really discussed sex with me either, and thank god for public education at moments like that. I think you need to forgive yourself and stop shaming yourself. Something you did as a kid is definitely not worth destroying your future for. If necessary, seek a psychologist to deal with possible roots of your anxiety in addition to medication.


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## Razare (Apr 21, 2009)

anx said:


> I feel like someone I'd never want to be.


You have to accept what you did happened and you did it, and then you have to forgive yourself for it. You're remorseful that you did it, that's what matters. Once you forgive yourself, you can begin to move on, hopefully.

I did some really stupid things as a child.

The children I played with as a child, were sexually abused. Well, sexually abused children, want to act out what they've been taught with other children. Instead of telling my parents, like I should have, I went along with it.

You have to accept it and forgive yourself.... because really, you didn't do those things. The 10-year old you did those things. You're not 10 anymore.

I ate a worm when I was 3 or something, or so I am told. I don't remember it, but apparently I did it.

Something to keep in mind... every second which transpires, you're a new person... your molecules are configured different, you is a different you, in a different position and point in time. You're only limited by what limitations you believe exist. Memories we can't rid ourselves of... identifications... these just hold us back from actualizing our true present self.


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## planemo (May 7, 2012)

Think of it as gross things you did in past, but after you did them YOU decided not to do them anymore since YOU found them to be gross. 
It would be bigger issue if you prolonged realizing and reflecting and continue doing them up until present. You were wise enough to quit back at the age of 12.


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## yesiknowbut (Oct 25, 2009)

Without knowing what it was you did, I can't necessarily agree with you they were gross. Experimenting is pretty normal in teenagers, tbh.
It might be worth getting some advice re both the anxiety and potential OCD-like intrusive thoughts and behaviours. These may be happening because you are anxious and may have OCD, not necessarily because what you did was gross.

Finally, I can't resist telling you that skim-reading the thread title gave me "hobbits" not "habits", which was weird and funny.....


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## anx (Jan 18, 2013)

alfreda said:


> Without knowing what it was you did, I can't necessarily agree with you they were gross. Experimenting is pretty normal in teenagers, tbh.
> It might be worth getting some advice re both the anxiety and potential OCD-like intrusive thoughts and behaviours. These may be happening because you are anxious and may have OCD, not necessarily because what you did was gross.
> 
> Finally, I can't resist telling you that skim-reading the thread title gave me "hobbits" not "habits", which was weird and funny.....


Yeah, experimenting is normal, but it's more of the lack of cleaning up that grosses me out so much. Since then I've thrown away, washed, and scrubbed everything I can remember to death and it's still bugs me.

I know I definitely have some OCD problems though, and that might have something to do with me not being able to let it go.


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