# Existential crisis, I need help



## violetscarletblue (Apr 24, 2012)

I've been depressed for about 2 years, on fluoxetine for over a year.
I am now repeating my AS levels because my grades suffered as I lost interest in almost everything. It was better for some time but now it's all bad again.

It's like I can't learn from my mistakes. I procrastinate because I don't believe there is any point in doing all these mundane human activities, like homework, socialising etc. I am going to die and so will everybody else so what the fuck is the point in doing anything? To make my life better? Why? I am going to die anyway so I ask why am I expected to go to school, get married, have children, get a good job, have friends if it all will perish with me, it will all go to the ground. 

I haven't been happy for such a long time. Existential crisis is a bitch and I keep dwelling on my thoughts about human existence and the possibility of life after death. I'm not religious but I like reading spiritual things, they give me hope, but in the end I always turn sour and cannot function.

I have tried to commit suicide but didn't succeed. 

*How do I keep on living if life itself is meaningless?

*


----------



## anarchitektur (Feb 11, 2011)

violetscarletblue said:


> How do I keep on living if life itself is meaningless?


What's so great about meaning? Would a grand, unifying purpose to everything _really_ make you feel better? Embrace the absurdity of it all... it's very liberating.


----------



## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

violetscarletblue said:


> *How do I keep on living if life itself is meaningless?
> 
> *


*Meaning is made, not found. Follow your bliss. *


----------



## StElmosDream (May 26, 2012)

@*violetscarletblue*
Set a study goal to achieve after A levels, nothing more helpful than planning the future i.e. 'I'll do A levels to qualify for a psychology degree, with the long term goal being to help group xyz'... if you can't see a bigger picture consider how doing A levels will allow you to make a more informed decision when you're ready...

*Parting thought: I can relate to the 'life is meaningless' attitude well; 2/3 in a degree deciding it was wrong and meaningless but I had a choice, drop out wasting past efforts or see it as a stepping stone to better things (in my case knowing a degree, any degree is required for entry onto a masters course... silver linings help too).


----------



## violetscarletblue (Apr 24, 2012)

Actually when I think about it some more, it's not about meaning. I'm not satisfied with what life is: you're born, you go to school, then to work, you might choose to have a family, then you die. If you don't succeed at these, you might die earlier, you might be homeless, you might live a life of misery.

I want to be in control of my own life and how can I do that with these boundaries existing? I have my parents that I don't want to disappoint and also myself.

The big problem is what the hell do I even want? Who am I? I feel like I am multiple people and they all want different things, they all have different principles and beliefs. 

I guess I just need to figure out what I want, but I'm impulsive and I change my mind so quickly... I despise routines, I despise setting myself targets or 'goals' because I know that I will never meet them because deep down I just don't want to.

I don't know how to figure myself out and when I get close to it, I change. I don't know what aspects of my personality are real. 
Ugh


----------



## Planisphere (Apr 24, 2012)

You could go off the theory that people reincarnate, and therefore, it's important to be productive in this life. Try to change the world for the better so that your next reincarnation (and other peoples' reincarnations) will not have to put up with the same kind of shit you're putting up with now. Of course, you won't be able to stop a whole lot now, but don't forget that some of the people who made a big difference in the areas of philosophy and culture were dead for a long time before their ideals were finally realized.

Personally, I think meaning is subjective. For me, it's about gaining knowledge to no specific end. Sure, there are several goals I have in mind, but I'm more interested in knowledge for its own sake. I chose that purpose in life myself, and there's no better feeling than to know that you chose your own path in life.

Just try not to consciously make life difficult for others. Everyone has the right to make a meaning for themselves out of life, so don't take that away from anyone. No worries though; you'll figure it out one day.


----------



## Sai (Sep 3, 2012)

@violetscarletblue ive been there a lot. 
Look, life is indeed meaningless, every being's existence has no meaning in itself, we just grow, have offspring and die.
BUT:
We can give it meaning, thats what existence is all about. Life gave you a WILL, and everybody has this inner drive to fulfill it. 
If you dont fear death, if you dont fear anything, what are you waiting to do the things YOU REALLY WANT. Whats the Risk? nothing, if you dont have nothing to lose then there is no risk.
What do you REALLY WANT TO DO? what is missing in your life that makes you feel like this?


----------



## Iridescent (Dec 30, 2011)

Don't live life for someone else because you're scared of disappointing them. Ever. And never believe that your future is locked into place. It might seem that way,because you made a promise or a bad decision, but it's not. If you find a commitment unbearably, tortuously horrible, then it's truly unlikely that you're keeping it for any reason other than a romanticized ideal or another person. Find out what you adore, and even more importantly, what feels natural, and go do that. If you procrastinate to the extent that you never end up getting around to doing it in the first place, then you need to either reevaluate your motivation or try something else. The basic structure of life (Go to school, get a job, find a partner, have kids, die) is (No offense to any SJs out there) a purely SJ thing. The fact it's overtaken the world is completely understandable judging by the percentage of SJ people to non SJ people and the fact that without it, we'd all be dead. Re energize yourself. Write a novel. Donate your time to a charity. Go skydiving. Do anything that will overcome your need for a destination, and train your eyes back onto the journey itself. Your future isn't a year, two, five, a decade even, down the line. Your future is tomorrow. And the day after. And the day after that.


----------



## sriracha (Sep 19, 2010)

Yes, we live in an SJ world. I think what you are looking for is a _purpose_. Once you have that purpose, it will be your drive, your motivation for living your life. I'm still young, but I'll tell you what I know. We create our own lives, our own purposes, our own meaning. What you need to do is drop out of school; because if you keep going like this, you're just going to continue failing. You need to go out and explore the world. Take in every moment that comes your way. Travel if you can. Try different things, test out yourself to see what you like doing and don't like doing. Take notice, and go towards the things that you like doing. A lot of people are raised and taught to follow up in life in a certain structure: graduate from high school, get BA at a nice college, maybe do further schooling, find someone to get married to, have kids, etc.. A lot of people follow up on this path, but I find that the world is changing. You need to find out what you want from this life. So go towards that, and forget about what other people tell you. They may be right or wrong, but it's your life and really up to you to do what you want. Good luck.


----------



## babblingbrook (Aug 10, 2009)

Don't ask what life has to offer to you, ask what you have to offer to life. Find a truth which is true for you. It's a quest, sure, but we all have to go through this. Find out your own values, beliefs and purpose. You have the freedom to choose, in every situation and condition there is choice.

Emotions are intelligent and ways or strategies to cope with the world. Try to see meaning in your suffering and turn it upside down.


"Life has meaning under all circumstances", as Viktor Frankl would put it. Read his work "Man's search for meaning". He survived the death camps and invented Logotherapy, a form of existential therapy. He elaborates on these things in the book.


----------



## yesiknowbut (Oct 25, 2009)

You sound really quite ill. Is your fluoxetine enough, have you seen your GP or pysch recently? I'm not a psych but wonder if your regime is right.

It's all very well entering into debate about the meaning of life, but while you are in the grip of the black dog your thinking will be skewed to the negative. You'll tend to discount anything positive.

I guess the only non-medical advice I would offer is, stop looking at the big picture, you're overthinking it. Live in small parcels, try to find pleasure in getting through today, in a beautiful sunset, you know....one day you might just look up and find it has meaning for you after all. I really hope so.


----------



## cue5c (Oct 12, 2011)

violetscarletblue said:


> I've been depressed for about 2 years, on fluoxetine for over a year.
> I am now repeating my AS levels because my grades suffered as I lost interest in almost everything. It was better for some time but now it's all bad again.
> 
> It's like I can't learn from my mistakes. I procrastinate because I don't believe there is any point in doing all these mundane human activities, like homework, socialising etc. I am going to die and so will everybody else so what the fuck is the point in doing anything? To make my life better? Why? I am going to die anyway so I ask why am I expected to go to school, get married, have children, get a good job, have friends if it all will perish with me, it will all go to the ground.
> ...


I feel for you. It wasn't until I decided not to pursue a college degree and instead focus on an internship and currently a full-time job that I realized just how good life could be. If you're still in school than life has been just one endless cycle. Once you're able to break that cycle you'll be able to appreciate it and whatever else you might find in life. Still, nothing changes until it does. Just like you've had this realization about life, live a little longer and you'll have other ones. Life is always shifting, you'll find a way.


----------



## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

violetscarletblue said:


> Actually when I think about it some more, it's not about meaning. I'm not satisfied with what life is: you're born, you go to school, then to work, you might choose to have a family, then you die. If you don't succeed at these, you might die earlier, you might be homeless, you might live a life of misery.
> 
> I want to be in control of my own life and how can I do that with these boundaries existing? I have my parents that I don't want to disappoint and also myself.
> 
> ...


How old are you, exactly? Your despair sounds like one of those things that happens when you find out that you have to "shit or get off the pot" after years of being told where to go, when to go, who to sit next to, when to eat, and what you are supposed to be doing. All of the sudden (mostly useless) guidance counselors turn to you and ask you what you want to do with your life. Is it any wonder you don't have a clue? 

Then you have this perfect avoidance system designed to keep you from ever having to make any serious decisions for yourself because the minute you do so, you're afraid your life will be over. You'll be "stuck" in some evil committment you won't ever be able to get yourself out of, so the best thing you can figure to do is keep yourself from ever really knowing yourself. 

This reminds me of me. You need to be in a situation long enough that it requires you to be a part of _something greater than yourself_. That will force you to be "present" long enough for you to get a good look at yourself. For me, it was the Navy. I don't know what that would be for you, but it requires you to stand up and stop hiding from yourself. 

The easiest way for you to continue to sink deep into despair is to do nothing at all. You can decide to remain stuck, or you can apply the correct pressure to give yourself a kick in the pants. It's all up to you.


----------



## yesiknowbut (Oct 25, 2009)

repeating AS levels= 17-18.


----------



## Bear987 (May 13, 2012)

Finding the meaning of (your) life isn't easy. Maybe you won't be able to find it for a long time. Which is why I would recommend to stop worrying about it now. Maybe it's like with maths problems. If you can't figure out the answer to a particular question, you move on to the next one and come back to the difficult one later.

A lot of people do not think about the meaning of their life ... at all, maybe. You have been thinking about it a lot. Maybe that's what the meaning of life is; to be aware of your being alive wondering why that is. Or maybe it is something else. The only way to find out more is while staying alive.

You also wrote about why undertaking anything. School, kids, job and friends. They do indeed dissolve into nothing when you pass away. But what does that say? To me, it says that those things were not meant to last. Or more accurately, they were meant especially for you - you know, while you're alive. I read somewhere that some 108 billion people have lived and died on this planet. Imagine that all their houses, stuff, friends and kids would be around forever and ever - we wouldn't have enough room!

What about death? I reckon while death is just a heartbeat away for all of us, it's still a minor part to our existence. I mean, we live, we live, we live ... and then we're dead. Our existence is mostly about being alive.


----------

