# ESFP + ISFP relationship



## notinuseanymore

Just curious about how this pairing would work out in the long run. A couple I’m close to are in this relationship. They seem to go through a lot of highs and lows – probably more than the average couple. They’ve been “together” a year and a half (they’ve been on & off several times). From what I’ve seen they get on great when they’re alone together, but the ESFP enjoys socializing on a daily basis, while the ISFP needs solitude and one-on-one interactions. This is where they clash. The ESFP moans at the ISFP for being ‘boring’, and the ISFP responds by being passive-aggressive and ignoring the ESFP – or by getting “revenge” by going out with other friends. They then fall out for a few days. The ESFP will chase after the ISFP, who will finally give in. And the circle continues.
So I’m just wondering whether this circle will ever break? Are they likely to sort out their differences or will they break up?


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## Acadia

katieoddsocks said:


> Just curious about how this pairing would work out in the long run. A couple I’m close to are in this relationship. They seem to go through a lot of highs and lows – probably more than the average couple. They’ve been “together” a year and a half (they’ve been on & off several times). From what I’ve seen they get on great when they’re alone together, but the ESFP enjoys socializing on a daily basis, while the ISFP needs solitude and one-on-one interactions. This is where they clash. The ESFP moans at the ISFP for being ‘boring’, and the ISFP responds by being passive-aggressive and ignoring the ESFP – or by getting “revenge” by going out with other friends. They then fall out for a few days. The ESFP will chase after the ISFP, who will finally give in. And the circle continues.
> So I’m just wondering whether this circle will ever break? Are they likely to sort out their differences or will they break up?


lmao it sounds _exactly_ like my old relationship. 
my ex and I loved each other. a lot. we were also a lot alike. the difference was noticeable in his extroversion and my need for one on one interaction and tendency to fall asleep at parties. I also had stronger Ni, so I had/have plans about my future. I will travel. I will do new things. Ultimately, his Ni kicked in and he realized he didn't see himself fitting into my future, or I in his--which completely devastated me, because I would have done anything for that kid; I would have married him, and I don't even like the concept of marriage. 

we were on and off for four years; the first two were informal, but even then we had a very deep emotional bond. The second two years were serious and included an ldr and only one "break" as opposed to the many we'd had as high school kids/college freshmen. 

in the end, he was a bit needier than I was. his higher Se demanded more stimulation; he wanted to get with others girls, go out more, basically have that college experience that he missed out on his sophomore and junior years. his Te made him express his convictions more; more loudly, more brashly, and without regard to what effect that might have on the causes we were both fighting for. after he left, he wanted to be friends still; but I'm colder and more shrewd than he is, and I had the foresight to know that our friendship would lead to nothing more but another on and off period. 

his leaving devastated me. he was the only person I had who understood the way I thought and acted. we were very similar. people that are still in touch with him laugh that we'll share the same facebook articles with similar reactions, though we haven't spoken in a year and a half. some wonder why we didn't work out. he started dating a girl similar to me, but more outgoing, likely either an ESFP or ENFJ. not sure if they're still going out, but it hurt nonetheless. somehow I can't help but think I'd feel differently if he would have actually pursued someone quite different than me. but there's nothing to think on, no reason to analyze it. I've moved on in a few ways, but the hurt has lingered in others. 

I do believe things would have worked out if we'd both been ten years older.
but we weren't, and they didn't. Can't say that the same will happen to all Se-Fi users, but I imagine that if they've been on and off again for quite so long, the odds aren't in their favor.


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## notinuseanymore

heartofpompeii said:


> lmao it sounds _exactly_ like my old relationship.
> my ex and I loved each other. a lot. we were also a lot alike. the difference was noticeable in his extroversion and my need for one on one interaction and tendency to fall asleep at parties. I also had stronger Ni, so I had/have plans about my future. I will travel. I will do new things. Ultimately, his Ni kicked in and he realized he didn't see himself fitting into my future, or I in his--which completely devastated me, because I would have done anything for that kid; I would have married him, and I don't even like the concept of marriage.
> 
> we were on and off for four years; the first two were informal, but even then we had a very deep emotional bond. The second two years were serious and included an ldr and only one "break" as opposed to the many we'd had as high school kids/college freshmen.
> 
> in the end, he was a bit needier than I was. his higher Se demanded more stimulation; he wanted to get with others girls, go out more, basically have that college experience that he missed out on his sophomore and junior years. his Te made him express his convictions more; more loudly, more brashly, and without regard to what effect that might have on the causes we were both fighting for. after he left, he wanted to be friends still; but I'm colder and more shrewd than he is, and I had the foresight to know that our friendship would lead to nothing more but another on and off period.
> 
> his leaving devastated me. he was the only person I had who understood the way I thought and acted. we were very similar. people that are still in touch with him laugh that we'll share the same facebook articles with similar reactions, though we haven't spoken in a year and a half. some wonder why we didn't work out. he started dating a girl similar to me, but more outgoing, likely either an ESFP or ENFJ. not sure if they're still going out, but it hurt nonetheless. somehow I can't help but think I'd feel differently if he would have actually pursued someone quite different than me. but there's nothing to think on, no reason to analyze it. I've moved on in a few ways, but the hurt has lingered in others.
> 
> I do believe things would have worked out if we'd both been ten years older.
> but we weren't, and they didn't. Can't say that the same will happen to all Se-Fi users, but I imagine that if they've been on and off again for quite so long, the odds aren't in their favor.


Wow that does ring a lot of bells! I see my ISFP friend as being a lot more shrewd than the ESFP too. She's aware of all the problems they have and she's always the one who decides enough is enough. But she finds herself miserable being alone so she always goes back. She's also agreed she would get married, when before she always hated the concept! ESFP is definitely the more needy, clingy one and I think ISFP is in a constant contradiction. She loves being loved but she hates being smothered. The ESFP never seems to get the balance right so ends up pushing her further away.


I suppose the reason I brought this subject up is because I used to be very close with the ISFP. Ever since she's been in this relationship she's been extremely distracted by it. All her energy is taken up by ESFP and she often seems drained and stressed out. She's become very paranoid and has snapped at me several times for no apparent reason. She's not motivated to get a career or social life of her own. She's almost a shell of her former self. I think she's suffering from low self-esteem because she always seems upset and its not very nice to watch.


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## Acadia

katieoddsocks said:


> Wow that does ring a lot of bells! I see my ISFP friend as being a lot more shrewd than the ESFP too. She's aware of all the problems they have and she's always the one who decides enough is enough. But she finds herself miserable being alone so she always goes back. She's also agreed she would get married, when before she always hated the concept! ESFP is definitely the more needy, clingy one and I think ISFP is in a constant contradiction. She loves being loved but she hates being smothered. The ESFP never seems to get the balance right so ends up pushing her further away.
> 
> 
> I suppose the reason I brought this subject up is because I used to be very close with the ISFP. Ever since she's been in this relationship she's been extremely distracted by it. All her energy is taken up by ESFP and she often seems drained and stressed out. She's become very paranoid and has snapped at me several times for no apparent reason. She's not motivated to get a career or social life of her own. She's almost a shell of her former self. I think she's suffering from low self-esteem because she always seems upset and its not very nice to watch.


wow. that's such a bummer. I was a little more independent in that relationship; I pursued my own goals and he pursued his. she might not though because the Ni-gut feeling might be telling her that if she does that, her relationship won't work out. but I mean you can't live that way; not without losing it, at least. 

I'm pretty low on the romantic scale. outside of a relationship, I don't need and/or want romantic attention. I've just never been a romantic. But in the relationship, during that time, I really did love being loved--by him. otherwise I was totally disinterested in those sorts of things. and I still am, which makes dating a total pain in the ass. 

At one point our relationship became very competitive. he was always trying to outdo me in anything; wasn't happy for my successes etc. that was sad. I can't say our final breakup was unexpected, but it was still really upsetting. 

the thing with Se is that it doesn't look at the past or compare the relationship to the past to figure out what's going to happen. it's constantly fresh, new. someone with Si in their stack is more capable of saying 'that didn't work out so we're going to keep it with me' or, conversely, becoming so attached that they never let go of that person to begin with. but Se is ready to take it anew and not think twice about that stuff. Fi can hold a wicked grudge, and I did--but it didn't seem pertinent enough to matter. one day, someone with Ni in their stack will wake up and say "whoa, this isn't what I want" and go from there. Even though SPs are perceivers, Se tends to be decisive. 

The one thing to take into account is that enneagram matters; other aspects of personality matter. If you look at two ISFPs, they won't look alike--like Arya Stark and Aurora, from Sleeping Beauty. ESFPs, Merida from Brave and Stephanie Tanner, from Full House. 

I myself am an enneagram 7w8 ISFP; so I'm constantly unsettled, and physically moving in search of stimulation. My ex was probably a similar Enneagram type to me, which was probably one of the reasons we clashed. Neither of us wanted to face the problems at hand because we thought more activities and new things to do would help solve the tensions we faced. Some of the tensions involved old friends adding pressure to our relationship, the living situation etc. not fun. Other things were inevitable. 

I'm sorry to hear that your friend is struggling. Unfortunately understanding the situation doesn't always help either. Two of my very close friendships deteriorated over the past year and a half or so, and it's disappointing, but sometimes all you can do is watch people make mistakes. even if you know the solution, they don't always want to listen.


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## notinuseanymore

Yeah it's been very weird seeing my ISFP friend become so soppy and emotional. She was always so dismissive of that type of behaviour before. I think you're right about the fact that she wants to be more independent but by doing so she might lose the relationship. I see this ISFP always resorts to playing the martyr and ESFP seems to love being the saviour. It's weird but when things are actually good between them, that's when it's more likely to go wrong. Maybe SFPs just need drama to save them from getting bored. I think the off/on thing happens so they constantly feel that 'new' spark whenever the make up. I suppose I was just hoping for a bit more stability between them now. Ah well, like you said, there's nothing I can do.

I'm not 100% on their enneagrams. I think the ESFP is 2 or 7. The ISFP is 4 or 7!


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## Acadia

katieoddsocks said:


> Yeah it's been very weird seeing my ISFP friend become so soppy and emotional. She was always so dismissive of that type of behaviour before. I think you're right about the fact that she wants to be more independent but by doing so she might lose the relationship. I see this ISFP always resorts to playing the martyr and ESFP seems to love being the saviour. It's weird but when things are actually good between them, that's when it's more likely to go wrong. *Maybe SFPs just need drama to save them from getting bored.* I think the off/on thing happens so they constantly feel that 'new' spark whenever the make up. I suppose I was just hoping for a bit more stability between them now. Ah well, like you said, there's nothing I can do.
> 
> I'm not 100% on their enneagrams. I think the ESFP is 2 or 7. The ISFP is 4 or 7!


I've never thought about that before. Could be. My ex and I were/are both low maintenance people, and I don't think either one of us would like to think we unconsciously felt that way, but it could very well be. the martyr/savior dichotomy sounds familiar to me, too. 

I hope they figure things out and that your friendship stays strong. watching people change and mess up time and time again is never fun.


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## infpheart

As an infp all I can say is that SP relationships scared me! 'On-and-off' is something I couldn't do, that's why
SJs are needed for SPs IMO- stability! From my own experiences isfps needs are simple- let them live their values(so long it's good), give then their space when needed, and act with simple respect and they're loyal! Esfp is a bit more difficult- they're competitors by nature, so they wanna win every sport game, every conversation, every argument, and that's pretty annoying after a while, it's hard to correct them without hurting their feelings which leads to a militant response, that's why they need the quiet but solid istj!


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