# How to deal with a breakup.



## Promethea

I see threads a lot asking for tips on how to get over someone, and recently I heard about a friend of a friend's situation which inspired me to post this thread for everyone to share their tips/advice on how to get over a breakup. I will post one of my old entries on the topic to kick it off:



> Well, here is how I handle it. And yes, it absolutely devastates me, but I have a method that seems to work. Firstly, I need to know -why- it ended. None of the vague, wishy-washy, cowardice, but a truthful answer. This will allow me to pick up all the pieces, and put them into a box, label it, and put it away. If I -know- what it is, then theres no reason to keep reopening it in my mind, going back over and over to try to make sense of it all.. it all merges into one powerful truth. This truth is now written in my psyche, and I mute all of the chatter. The chatter no longer matters. There is no reason to check his facebook profile anymore for answers, or send him a drunken IM pleading that he explain anything. Its all explained. (Now what sucks is when they learn what I do here, and try to complicate it and work their way back in, instilling doubt. Fuckers.)
> 
> Now that I have put it all away, and have stopped picking through the pieces, it begins to fade. Some visualization also helps. I had one absolute nightmare of a time getting over someone once because he planted these little bombs in the foundation and structure of our relationship the whole time, that he detonated once I wanted to call it quits. I will not go into detail because it hurts too much to recall it. But he did terrible things the entire time, just to feel like he had some footing, some control. After I left, he would try to come back and say he had lied about it. Then later he would say that he had not lied about it. This dragged out for months until I was so mentally unstable that I collapsed on my bathroom floor having blacked out from a panic attack. He completely removed my own footing on reality at this point. It took more effort to box this one, because there was no way of knowing what was real and what was a lie. I determined he was all a lie, I never knew him, and he had been faking his entire personality the whole time (which actually ended up being quite true).
> 
> The way I got past this was through lots of visualization. I found a fantasy map. It was one of those with lots of hills, lakes, rivers, islands.. very lovely, very vast.. After I disposed of anything that reminded me of him (including lotions that I'd had around that time) I started to envision that everything that happened between us took place on a particular part of that map. I poured all of the nastiness into it. I then imagined myself leaving it all behind in the middle of the night. There was nothing left to say. I packed my things and I boarded a ship, then I traveled across some land.. I boarded another ship. The journey I visualized, in detail, and I ended up far, far away, alone, in a nice cottage, with a lovely garden, in a place that he could never find me - a place he would never know of. He couldn't hurt me anymore.
> 
> I did not give in and contact him first. If you do, its like hitting a reset button, which I realized with a previous ex. Then you have to start the process of getting over them all over again. A voice, a smell.. all of these things trigger that brain chemistry that was causing an addiction to them in your mind. Only removing yourself and not looking back will assure that you don't relapse.


So, post your tips, stories on what worked. and if theres enough good advice I can consider stickying it for those who come here looking for help moving on after a heart-break.


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## zomberlover

My bad break up sounds like it was a different scenerio, because I was the one doing the breaking, but it still, nonetheless, affected me for a long time.

I was in a mentally/emotionally abusive relationship for 6 years, from the time I was 16 to 22. He was extremely controlling. I have always been one of those 'strong minded' people that would never allow themselves to be put in such a position, but it happened very slowly and in calculated steps. In the beginning I was very pleased with the relationship, and of course I was very young so I guess you could call it puppy love. Fast forward 6 years later and I was engaged to a person who emotionally beat me down whenever he could, especially in front of other people. I had one girl-friend who I was allowed to see 2 times a month, for a certain amount of hours, and had to be home at a certain time. He also alienated me from my family, telling me lies that they had said about me, or putting pictures in my mind that they didnt care about me, and were unhealthy. (Which is not entirely untrue) I was expected to work 3 jobs and go to school, clean and cook, for the majority of the relationship while he sat around on his fat ass playing videogames and telling me how bad my cooking was. (along with everything else of course) He sexually abused me, not by physical force, but if I did not give him a blowjob and swallow, with no reciprocation, he would tell me that he didnt really feel like I loved him. 

I stayed in that relationship for so long because I believed the good in him. I believed he had a good heart, and that would shine through with time and effort on my part. Also, my age mixed with such a slow change from good to bad, I believed thats just how things were in any relationship, and I put forth so much effort for so many years to try to "fix" the relationship. Also, whenever I did fight back (which was often) he would break down in tears and say he felt so bad for how he acted and he really did love me so much, he was just a bad person and I deserved better. He was basically appealing to my Fe side (manipulation) because of course once that happened I assured him we would work on it together and that he was not a bad person, and that I would support him while he went through his "hard time" 

That was such an easy out for him. Playing on and using my vast ability to love and forgive.

Once I finally woke up and broke up with him, he manipulated that friend I was never allowed to see into believing that I had said nasty things about her, which really he was the only one who said bad things about her. So she and I didnt talk for about 7 months. He also cried to her every day about how much he loved me and how he wanted me back so badly, so he painted me out to be the bad guy. I am not manipulative, so I did not reciprocate that although I could have. It would have been easy, but I am just not that kind of person. 

Now pretty much everyone knows how he is, and dont really hang out with him anymore. His guy friends were my friends too, and he told them lies as well, but they all see through it now.



What made me wake up and realize it was time to go was our group of friends were going to a park one day to go cook out and just be in nature, I really wanted to go, and he said no. I dont know why, its one of the first times I was just like......no.....Im going. He was pissed but I just didnt care anymore. Enough is enough. I went, and actually found out that all my friends were really happy to have me there. I had a great time. I was so happy. The next morning back at home was one of the most depressed Ive ever been. I glimpsed a little bit of freedom, then went back home to him. I knew I had to get out.


It was the hardest thing Ive ever done. I had to leave my house, my dogs, his family (which had taken me in) were terrible to me afterwards. All the friends I thought would be there were gone, I was homeless, confused, and had nothing to show for the last 6 years of my life. 

He is a born-again christian now, and realized that "all the effort he was putting into me and our relationship, he should have been putting into the lord" All his facebook posts are scripture and Im not sure why it bothers me so much. I hate him even more for it. I guess its because he is the worst person I know alive, and hes going into ministry? God help us all. Literally. 

Its been almost a year and a half now, and it really took a good 8 months to get settled into myself before I really started to feel normal again. I had to build everything back up, and that was really tough. Now my life is amazing, I live for me and my close friends who reciprocate my love, and are as selfless as I am. I have a wonderful SO who was with me through the entire thing and has never judged me for being weak or insecure at times. I enjoy my freedom every day. I am in school, and I got my dog back, and we live happily by ourselves in my home.

The thing I was scared of most was being alone. Or feeling alone. Or that I was making a mistake. Dont be scared. Move forward. One day at a time and the mantra is every day you get a little stronger. Each step you take that is painful, you get stronger. You may not feel it at first, but all those little tiny steps and leaps of faith begin to add up, and one day you wake up and you feel....good. You feel strong. You feel like you might get through it. Every step forward you take is one you will never have to take again. One day, one hour, one step at a time. Just do it. 

You wont realize it at the time, but even your weak moments are making you a stronger, healthier, happier person. _Dont give up_


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## redmanXNTP

A failed relationship is always a mutual failure. ALWAYS. Even if the other person was next to Satan as a romantic partner (and @zomberlover 's partner sounds close) it's still incumbent upon you to figure out what you did or failed to do which contributed to the failure of that relationship, the why, the how and then when of that failure. 

I say that as someone who got cheated on by my ex-wife- I had a great amount of responsibility for the problems we had before and after that. It would be easy for me to villify her but that would be a cop out. There'd be no growth for that and chances are I'd just repeat many of the same mistakes. 

I'm wired to obsess over tragedies in my life. It's a combination of mourning and analyzing. It's all bundled into one lump. Unlike other personality types who, I think, try to push themselves out of the funk by fighting against it and pushing their head back up above the water, the way I get out of it is by going out through the bottom of it. By this I have to just experience the down period in its full awful glory until it's all worn out, embrace the pain until it's just gone. That's the time when I'm thinking and analyzing what happened, and I think it's just my automatic way of getting motivated to avoid what got me to that point the next time. 

There's no clear finish line, I'll just notice over time that I'm moving on. 

Also, times of crisis like this are notoriously linked to harmful behavior. Somehow I had the presence of mind when I found out about my ex-wife's affair to decide then and there that I would stop drinking alcohol. I just felt I needed to keep a clear head, as intensely as the situation hurt of course. 

Other things apply here too: 

You're depressed. You are. It may be mild, it may be severe, it may be short or long term, but you're depressed. Regardless, depression's greatest ally is your isolation. Talk about yourself and your situation with someone, and hopefully a couple of people. No, you aren't going to be that guy who's crying in his beer at a bar with his buddy, or the girl who's a sobbing mess in her comfy sweater on her friend's sofa - you just got to talk. This allows you to make sense of it, and if you've got a severe problem like major depression or some other warning sign, your friend (or sibling, or therapist) can help you identify that and respond appropriately. 

Get behavioral. Do things that will help you feel better. Yeah, the dozen donuts will taste great, until about 1 minute after you finish the last one and feel like Jabba the Hut. Eat healthy, sleep right, get physically active. These are all things that give your body a lift. In my case I was so upset and had so much anxiety, I simply HAD to work it off, so I started working out. It had nothing to do with my masculinity being threatened even though there had been an affair, and everything to do with simply needing to work off that mountain of stomach-churning stress and angst I was feeling every minute of every day, and never even really letting go during those all-too-short hours I was sleeping. It's not about being Mr. or Ms. Olympia, it's just about lifting yourself out of a rut, and it DOES work. As it turned out for me, I noticed over the course of the next six months the trend that I grew emotionally stronger during the crisis while my ex grew emotionally weaker - she had done absolutely nothing to change her routine and the crisis wore her down over time.

Last but most important - if it's a major relationship and/or a traumatic break up, it's going to hurt for a while. Let it. It's how you grow if you let yourself learn from it. But also know that things will get better if you allow them to in your own time and you learn the lessons you need to learn.


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## zomberlover

^^^ This. Exactly. My dad did the same thing after my parents divorce (got more into being healthy and physically fit) and it took years for him but hes happier now than Ive ever seen him.

You HAVE to let yourself feel the pain. Go through it, run through it if you have to, but its part of the process. And if you dont deal with it now, it will come back to bite you in the ass at some point. Everyone is different, but for me the pain was essential to the breakthrough.


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## Abyss Soul

^
These posters brought up some good tips, especially about health. Keep exercising and do not resort to alcohol. Below I will present some general tips for handling a breakup. 

While it is good to rationalize the demise of a relationship, I would advise against continuously over-analyzing the possible causes if you cannot make sense of your relationship. This leads to psychological distress and complicates your problems rather than solving them. Learn what you can from this to improve future relationships or prevent them from escalating into something worse. 

Do not lie to yourself. You'll know when you are lying to yourself when that feeling of self-denial starts rattling inside you like a caged beast. Too many times I've encountered people recovering from divorces trying to hate their ex's and saying things like, "It was never true love!" This causes conflicting feelings and unnecessarily prolongs the painful hangover of a breakup. Listen, the conclusion of a relationship does not necessarily imply that your relationship was one fat joke. Often times, many external factors to the relationship are contributors as well and are beyond the involved parties' control. It is in your best interest to accept the conclusion and move on. 

Keep in mind that no one is going to get over anything they had an emotional connection to overnight. So, while this temporal state of depression sucks, know that it is natural and that you will get over it. To close off, make sure you get support from close friends and family during this phase.


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## MindBomb

Cigarettes, booze and cheap, tawdry sex.


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## SilentScream

I busied myself in work, made new friends, worked on all my negative behaviour that led to the break up and made myself a better person and more appealing for my next relationship.


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## Paradox1987

I've always dealt with breakups by doing the following:

*1. Acknowledge it Hurts*

I retreat into my shell. I don't want to be with people physically, so I'll use my phone to bug the hell out of my friends, discuss the fact that it hurts and giving myself the time to grieve a little. I've never enjoyed having to break up with anyone, and I certainly don't enter into relationships planning to end them. I'll allow myself to resent them, and vent my spleen about how ungrateful they were, or how sorry they'll be when they're [insert pitiful end]. I don't drink very heavily as a result, but I do party hard on the weekends, and I relish my freedom. I can do all the things I like doing without any objection etc.

*2. Stop apportioning blame*

We broke up, I wasn't doing it for her, she wasn't doing it for me. Therefore, we are both at fault. It's no use being bitter and resentful, because it was a two way street. I acknowledge the mistakes that I made, and learn to not make them again. I also get to refine and deeper understand my principles and values, this reassessment period is invaluable to making a future relationship work. At this point, I begin to see the relationship for what it was, rather than dwelling on the good times and the bad. I reassess where I am, and reaffirm that I am me, and I am a great catch for she who does get the privilege of catching me (I'm not a total narcissist, promise). 

*3. Find my confidence*

I use my pent up energy (I'm not really a one night stand person) to get better at my hobbies. I focus my time behind my drum kit, or tending to my bonsai forest. After my last breakup I took up Kendo, something I always wanted to, and discovered that I really enjoy it. These activities help me to build my self-worth and I remember that I'll be all right in the end. I remember my strength and realise just what I can offer the world.


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## MXZCCT

1. Pick yourself back up and get your head screwed on straight.
2. Smile knowingly to yourself that he/she lost their chance with you.
3. Never forget the mishaps of past relationships. Those relationships did not work for a reason.


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## Rakshasa

Watch every episode of "How I Met Your Mother." Hang out with friends, because your supposed to. Do stupid shit all day like play in traffic. Go back home and finish "How I Met Your Mother." 

It would have been a better story if I had my license at the time.


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## Resolution

I recently came out of a relationship. We broke up 4-5 times before I finally broke the cycle and ended it for good. Things were amazing at first, but she got anxious about everything and the fun started to leave everything. She started pulling me in close, getting needy and insecure and when I got supportive she'd switch to pushing me away, breaking up, nit-picking all my flaws, comparing me derisively to her ex. 

Bleh. Anyhow, I'm still not all the way through my situation, but I'm close to good. 

I find that when, in love, I develop a kind of tunnel vision. When I visualize my future, when I visualize fun, food, anything, it's always in relation to _them_. The more they're in my head, the worse it gets. 

To break this tunnel vision, I need to shake myself out of it. I remembered back to a time when other women broke my heart, and the other times I was in love. It helped pull me out of that subjective world and helped me see the "plenty of fish" angle. 

Next, I accepted that things *shouldn't have gone differently*. They went exactly as they went, and for a very particular set of reasons. So I chucked all the shoulda/coulda/woulda bullshit. There's only this one world and these things happened for a reason. 

Next, I looked at the upsides of the breakup. What did I learn? How did I improve? 

My friends have been invaluable. I force myself to seek out company whenever possible, that support, listening ears, and the liberating distraction. 

Finally, I had to learn to love myself again. I started working out, eating right, I learned how to cook more things (cooked myself steak and prepared one hell of a salad), I started writing again, I began to listen to Philip Pullman _His Dark Materials _on Audiobook. 

Now, I'm forcing myself into the acceptance stage. I want to genuinely wish her well as an individual, rather than as being connected to me and I know that I deserve to be happy too. It's only been a week or so, but I feel the wounds healing up.


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## JudeGrey

I don't have advice so much as some questions. I'm sorry for the detail and the length to follow, but I haven't had anyone to talk with about this, therefore, I have not come up with a succinct version of the story.

My relationship of two years recently came to an end after a huge fight I had with my SO. For about three years I had been doing opiates semi-regularly, but during the last few months it became an everyday thing and quickly turned into an element of hell in my life. Anyway, I started waking up still high, but feeling hungover and also like I was about to go into withdrawal- which somehow prompted me to wake up in a sort of opiate rage state that I could manage on some days but on others I'd completely lose my shit. This is what happened the day we had our relationship ending fight and I ended up storming out of our house. 

About a week went by where we didn't see each other during which she went to a music festival for a four day ecstasy bender with an ex-fuck buddy of hers. When she came back her emotional demeanor to had flipped completely and she seemed to feel like she had towards me for her friend very suddenly. 

Anyway, we finally hung out to discuss things and she wanted to end things. A few weeks went by which were awful beyond my ability to describe (I didn't know it was possible to hurt that much) and then we got together to hang out with our mutual friends. We ended up going back to her place and did a fairly strong session of psychedelia together, in which we explained our feelings for each other, why things didn't work, and reaffirmed how much we meant to one another in a sort of spiritual (campy sounding, I know), essence-related way (She's an ENTJ while I'm an INFP, if that clarifies anything). We made love and spent the next week together discussing what we wanted to do with our lives individually and explaining our situations since the break up but otherwise not being sexually intimate. She had been seeing her friend (whom I've always admired for his innate beauty as a person) and he was pissed when he found out we had been hanging out so we kept our distance from each other for a few days. 

That was about three weeks ago, and since we have not been apart or at odds. We've slept in the same bed and been physically (though not sexually) affectionate to a point. I'm kind of at a loss as to what is going on or what to do about the situation because we've had some difficulty expressing ourselves over highly emotional matters concerning our friendship, she is hesitant to reciprocate affection if it exceeds a certain point (kissing and cuddling are allowed, but not intensive forms of either), she becomes distant whenever texting her friend (which I don't snoop about- she tells me about it, and which I have clarified to her and him that I am perfectly okay and even pleased [it makes her happy in some very healthy ways] with their dynamic), and any time I ask her if she would like space or for me to spend a few days elsewhere she responds; "No, you're not an imposition and it makes me happy when you're around. I've had a hard time being alone and not in a healthy struggle kind of way. I would much rather be around you and have you around." Further, where she had previously been noticeably happy whenever I was verbally affectionate, now she is more removed from it and it doesn't seem to affect her very much. 

There are probably some important details I'm just not thinking to mention right now, and if elaboration or clarification is needed I can provide them. Mostly, I've been really happy with our being friends in this way (We dated once before for a few months, then were _really_ good friends for a few years), but I feel somewhat scared of trying to address where we are going with things in a definitive way because I'm flat out very confused with where we are at and what's going on. The night we had our fight I was unnecessarily cruel and broke a few of my own things on my way out the door so I'm partially wondering if my behavior that night just broke a lot of her trust with me. Or, if her ecstasy trip with her friend ended up causing some kind of transferring of her feelings for me elsewhere and onto him (we had been planning to do the same thing together so the association in her mind of doing such-and-such with her SO may have defaulted to the only present guy when she did such-and-such- unlikely and a longshot, but like I said; I'm confused). Could it be that I'm on some sort of parole period and she's evaluating me for a certain amount of time (doesn't seem like her, or people in general, because she's not manipulative, but she is elaborate in many ways)? Or is she just as lonely and broken up by things as much as I am and my being around helps us both? 

Before this relationship I never really allowed anyone to access my core being nor did I allow for myself to commit to any of my relationships (which were, therefore, brief and followed the format; infatuation, ideation, stagnation, boredom, cessation) so all of the cognitive facilities I ever developed for thinking rationally about my romantic/marital situations are inapplicable here. As such, I can't think clearly through anything and the breakup alienated me from a lot of my former friends for various reasons and I've had no one to run through the situation with (for instance- my best friend is an INTJ and I've always relied heavily on him for rational input, but he refuses to discuss the situation because, as he put it; he finds my ex very attractive, is inclined to be in favor of our separation as such and therefore cannot reliably offer an unbiased opinion).

Again, I'm sorry for the amount of detail when I'm so new and don't know anyone and also for the length of my post. I just can't think this out and it would be really helpful to me if anyone can offer any insights on what's going on or suggestions for what I might do. Especially any other INFPs or ENTJ females who could offer some information on what could (conceivably) be going on with my ex-SO.

Thank you, in advance, for any feedback.

EDIT

And, I do know and intend to discuss this with her. Communication and all that. More so I'm just hoping to get some feedback and perspective beforehand.


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## Sovereign

I deal with a breakup by finding some measure by which the relationship (and thus all the time I spent on it) was valuable. I hate wasting my time, and the feeling of wasting what I perceive to be sizable portions of my life on someone is probably the worst one that results from a breakup.

The answer for me is to learn from the experience in a meaningful way. It's the same concept as a sunk cost in business. The only thing sunk costs are good for is learning how to avoid sunk costs. Once I convince myself that I have actually become a better, more aware person, I'm fine. That takes time. 

If I do miss the person (believe me, even we Te-doms experience this occasionally), it doesn't take long for me to remember why I'm better off on my own.


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## Inphamous

I have dealt with my last break-up by shutting that area of my psyche like a flooded compartment on a ship. The "high" (relationship) does not justify the "comedown" (break-up). This is true reguarding other relationships as well. I do not intend to make more friends or involve myself in any more of my families life than i already do untill for what ever reasons i am all thats left in my life. 

I guess i deal with it by avoiding it.


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## Jennywocky

@JudeGrey: I can't really tell you what is happening for sure, but ETJ people are typically pretty WYSIWYG, you don't have to beat around the bush with them or "decipher" what they mean all the time. Take them at face value.

Based on your story, it sounds like you have been shifted back into "dear friend" status. She doesn't need you as a lover right now, for whatever reason; she's just getting her life stable and grounded; she's capable of wanting you in her life as someone she feels close to, but that isn't necessarily as a couple. She's acting exactly how she feels, there's nothing to decipher.

I think you're INP'ing the whole thing right now, but that's really not a great way to figure out an ETJ, and you're getting lost in what could be happening. I think your safest bet, especially with you trying to figure out your life and feeling vulnerable, is to read it at face value and decide what you need to do next to take care of yourself.


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## viva

I believe I already posted this quote somewhere in the ENFP forum, but as I was recently dealing with a breakup, this is the one statement that really stood out to me more than anything else out of all the pages and pages of things I read in an attempt to make me feel better. It might be of some help to someone else.

*"I believe, deeply and fully, that the breakup of my first serious relationship is the most important thing that has ever happened to me in the course of my life. Not the best, not the happiest, not the most fortuitous. The most important.

Here's why: While we were together, I thought that this was it. I figured this was the person I was supposed to fall in love with, I'd found him and he'd found me, and now we just had to navigate the next couple of years of our lives together and then we'd get married and then we'd have babies and then it would be forever. When we broke up, I thought the entire plan was ruined. No marriage. No babies. No life-long love. No dying in each other's arms.

But then it started to dawn on me — and maybe this is trivial, maybe this is something you already deeply understand, but for me it was absolutely life-altering to articulate this of my own accord — that just because one love was over, it didn't mean I would never have another love again. This didn't materially become real to me until I had actually fallen in love with someone else again, but once it hit me, it hit hard. That second love ended under awful, dire circumstances and even though the relationship was longer (3+ years) and was way more mature (serious pre-marriage talk), it took me way less time to get over it. Because I knew — from experience now — that I would fall in love again. And even more importantly, someone else out there would fall in love with me.

I wish there was some way for me to hardwire into your brain and let you know that the most important thing we can learn from our first loving relationship is that we can love and we can be loved. Not that this is your true love, or that this is your best relationship, or that just because this is the happiest you had been that this is the happiest you'll have ever been. Only that you can love, and you can be loved. And you will be able to call on your abilities to love and be loved as many times as necessary until you are loving and loved by someone who proves to be, over years and decades, a person worth loving and being loved by continually."*


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## knittigan

@viva -- That's really beautiful. Thank you for sharing it


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## Yardiff Bey

First serious breakup - realized that this person had no true interest in me. Hurt for a month, then put it aside when I realized that I was wasting my life and emotions on someone who really didn't give a toss. Was surprised a year later when she came back to me, didn't take long to realize that it was exactly the same dynamic though: I was simply a man-shaped vibrator to her. Walked away and put her out of my mind immediately, was surprised when she came whinging back to me a month later (I'd already forgotten her). Shrugged it off and got on with my life. A year later she came back, however my non-interest was palpable and utterly plain.

Breakup of my marriage - realized that this person was a serial cheater who had fallen out of love with me, we divorced. Took six months to start sorting myself out and realize that she had NPD tendencies, PerC has been a part of that sorting-out. Generally okay with it, have had as little contact as possible.

Crazy girl who pushed her luck relationship-wise when I was emotionally and physically exhausted - walked away from her, then became physically ill. She pursued despite a few "f- off and die" things from me (wasn't very tolerant at the time). Eventually I broke off all contact, didn't bother to respond to phone/text, stuff like that. She's stopped (for the moment).

It appears that for me, cutting them out of my life asap is the way to go. Perhaps it has to do with being an ISTJ.


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## colysan

Another big thanks to @viva .
That really is wonderful.
It helped me to see that the emotions in the relationship and the breakup were very real. I'm struggling with the fact that just "occupying" your mind only helps to a certain extent after a while. A breakup of a serious relationship is a very real life altering event.

What is helping me is the idea of "Let it be" instead of "Let it go".

Sorting yourself out, as Yardiff Bey has put it, and really being okay with what happened, as the quote puts it, is a long process though.


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## SJ1974

I did exactly this. It took quite some time but I did it. I was far away from home for work and to get my life back in order when I got an e-mail that our relationship was over. I'm not sure I'll ever really get over her and the loss, but I was terribleto her at times and she got me so wrong sometimes. Icouldn' understand how this woman I loved so dearly misunderstood me so much and said I misunderstood her al of the time. When I would ask for us to get through the issues and comminucate together, she'd fly away to some friend's house and that pissed me off. If I voiced that I was called controlling. the last thing I would want is to tell my gf what to do, what to say, how to feel and who to see. So I indeed had a lot of stuff to work on, thinking we'd makt it together, but I was wrong. I was so depressed by thinking about it all the time that the way to get over the depression was to get myself into a dangerous line of work. Nothing will get your mind off your ruined relationship than a job where if you screw up, you die.



Tortured said:


> I busied myself in work, made new friends, worked on all my negative behaviour that led to the break up and made myself a better person and more appealing for my next relationship.


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## mrscientist

Work on yourself, think things over and don't repeat old mistakes/patterns. Thats how i did it. Now happy, with a sexy fiance and a baby boy on the way.


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## KateMarie999

Let yourself cry it out and feel all the pain. It'll be over faster if you just accept it. Then when it's all over, it'll be over. You'll be able to move on.


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## Cosmicsense

Eh, my last breakup ended up in a restraining order from her placed on me. It was incredibly idiotic, and the psycho-bitch left without either of us growing in the least from it. 

She cheated. Straight up I intuited it and called her out. She denied it, and it was later confirmed from the guy she cheated with. He came clean, she never did. 

Our break up seemed to go well at first. We talked on the phone, and did one last round of whole-foods shopping together. Something was off, though. I could feel it in her voice. She said, "this has been the most amicable breakup ever..thank you", but an ich was building deep down that something wasn't right, and I had to scratch it to find out. 

When we broke up, she was drunk and screaming at me in public asking why I wasn't with her the previous night....it was so far out of place from her normal behavior. I asked her about it over the phone, and she shrugged if off, "I was drunk"...but it didn't add up. I could tell she was hiding something, so I intuited her cheating and she denied it. 

I then started asking for specific things I did wrong, so that I could know and grow...work on these things if I felt it was necessary for future relationships. She began to not speak directly with me...at all...about anything. Everything was said in a very generalized, detached, and even puzzling way. I could tell she was dodging, and manipulating. It freaked me out. 

Basically I kept gettting lies from her, and started tripping out, so she pulled away more. It was an idiotic cycle that ended with me raging at her for continuously lying to me. She would implant notions that we could get back together subtly, then draw back hardcore, and it left me feeling like I was nuts. After I had enough I was yelling at her on the phone for these idiotic mind games, and she felt justified to file a restraining order. Come to think about it, it was just after I confronted her about cheating and having proof from the guy himself confessing, that she felt powerless and wanted to punish me for not just letting her get away with it. 

She made me out to be an abuser who had no reason to keep contacting her, when all I kept begging her for was the truth and some peace of mind. 

I refuse to go to therapy, but this experience was terribly devastating. I'm not going to date for a long time because of everything that happened afterwards. Six month relationship, and four extra months of insanity because the psycho bitch couldn't admit fault.


----------



## the big tombrowski

Having just had a 13 year relationship fall apart its been good to read this thread...

Problem is, although I understand many of the points people have made mentally, emotionally I am still fractured. For example: while I know that it wasn't entirely my fault I still can't help but feel like a failure. I mean it wasn't like there was a big blow up or anything, it just kind of fizzled because ultimately neither of us put in enough effort to keep it alive... In the end it felt more like we were housemates than lovers and confidants... Isn't that worse? Shouldn't relationships explode in order to end them properly. Fading away just feels so pathetic. Who lets a relationship just fade away...

As an INTP the emotional side of the breakup is somewhat surreal because there is just about every emotion involved, all at once.

bitter/angry - because it happened when I was going through a particulary hard time (unemployed) and I feel somewhat abandoned
relieved/happy - because it wasn't like I was 100% happy with the relationship, so it's a good thing right?
nervous/excited - because I get a chance to start again and date (and lets be honest sleep with) other women (from what I can tell most INTP's have fantasies of being some playboy)
sadness/flatness - because my marriage has broken up, I've lost my best friend, my dog (see my avatar), had to move out of my house, and have to acknowledge that in reality I'll probably be single for the rest of my life

The biggest thing I have to face is to not overanalyse it all. Which is scary because it's what I do. I mean I have to analyse it in order to understand and learn from it (if possible) and yet when I do it's when the negative emotions start developing. She never loved me, it was never a real relationship, it's her fault, it's my fault, etc etc. It goes around and around and never actually gets anywhere.

Anyway thanks to whoever reads this... I had to put my thoughts down somewhere and don't really have anyone to talk to about this stuff...


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## paulenfj

I went through a break up which was amicable however a month after we split I later found out she cheated on me. Had so many rows it's rediculas. Very similar sort of thing to what cosmicsense explained, made me go insane


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## MissyMaroon

I'm long over it, but here's something I still do because of my vindictive nature. I don't recommend it, but I'm absolutely livid because the class registration website has crashed and I'm afraid I"ll lose the opportunity to get into a lot classes I want to get in. I also, for some reason beyond me, I forgot about my registration appointment 3 hours late. I had been thinking about it all day.

You're probably wondering what any of that has to do with the topic. Well, here, it is. I displaced a lot of the anger on the memory and idea of last ex. It's so weird because I hardly ever think about it, but oddly enough, it's strange how easy it is to attribute all the evils, misdeeds, frustrations, and issues of the world to a person. It's like God, but the opposite in value and significance.

Thinking back, besides that tiny micromoment, it was little capsules of time like that that ultimately helped me move away from any previous attachment. However, the fixation went another direction and was then fueled by hate and interesting murderous fantasies. This, of course, is not healthy. So, blah, I went through that phase. I saw some very ugly sides to me I didn't think I'd have to face, but there you have it. But, in a way, it was sort of necessary to take a more positive lesson out of this. I then thought about the hurts I caused in other people; how I was young and stupid and thoughtless. And, I want to apologize to them. I'm guilty for what I did. And, so, I went out to do what I never got myself. A heart felt apology. And you know what? It's liberating. I felt better, and I hope those people did too. 

In this case, it's best to do good for yourself, and, if it helps you, forget. There's the old phrase "Forgive and forget.", but I don't do that. A lot of people also use "Forgive, but never forget." And, that's just tiresome in this aspect  I just forget altogether. The only things I remember with any sort of clarity are the negative, draining, frustrating, infuriating, cruel, and hurtful last month. I know it's weird to say, but I can't recall any positive feelings, even though they probably did exist. Like, LITERALLY. It's so weird. But, I guess that how my mind operates. It's never done it to this extent before. But, I think even the negative stuff will vanish with time.

Just live your life. Give out some overdue apologies to people you didn't want to hurt. Do some good. Don't look back. Accept compliments. Laugh. Love the living shit out of things you might think are completely irrational. Change something. Take a cold-ass-motherfucking shower. Gloat in how much better you are than the other person, and then get over it and forget it. That was the biggest lesson: Life goes on. There will be itty-bitty microments like the one mentioned above, but those grow fewer and farther between as time goes on. It's natural. I'm human, you're human.

Here's something to keep in mind: We're all doing it wrong, so don't worry. Life wouldn't be as grand, learning not as enlightening, love not as bold, and happiness not as magnificent if we were all doing it right every time. So, live a little. Be an amateur. Make mistakes. In the end, no one else is doing it any differently.


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## the big tombrowski

@MissyMaroon
Thanks for your post. It's strange to think that even though it has been a (reasonably) amicable split I do have a vindictive side. There's a part of me that would take a malicious amusement if her life fell apart without me. I always figured it was my inner Scorpio. I can't let that side dominate though or it becomes too easy to forget the good and focus on the negative.
We both had our problems and we both had barriers that got in the way of true intimacy. I guess the strangest thing is that it lasted as long as it did.


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## William I am

Don't effective approaches depend on type?


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## mushr00m

Im struggling with my relationship atm, its the ending it and I have always had a problem with that no matter how bad the relationship is. Being the person to end a relationship is a better idea than living a lie and yet it is the dumper that is often bad mouthed just because they ended it. Thats been my experience with guys anyway, that you are a witch for cooling things off. I have a pretty cynical view of relationships right now.:mellow:


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## the big tombrowski

mushr00m said:


> Im struggling with my relationship atm, its the ending it and I have always had a problem with that no matter how bad the relationship is. Being the person to end a relationship is a better idea than living a lie and yet it is the dumper that is often bad mouthed just because they ended it. Thats been my experience with guys anyway, that you are a witch for cooling things off. I have a pretty cynical view of relationships right now.:mellow:


Strange one isn't it... Having just split from my wife (at her initiation) I can say that while I'm ok with it, at the same time I am a little bitter. I'm not going down the badmouth route, but it is easier for me to dwell on her negative sides that it used to be. I guess doing so makes me feel a little better...

Not that I have any claim to being an expert but without knowing the specifics I guess it comes down to what was said and done at the time. Noone likes a bullshit or contradictory reasons. For example: when we talked about the split my wife indicated that she would spend some time by herself getting to know herself as an individual (we had been together for 13 years since our mid 20's). Meanwhile she has basically jumped straight into an internet romance with some guy from the uk. I view it all with wry amusement ... 

Don't get too cynical about relationships ... leave that to me


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## oddsock0703

Decided to delete bc it was so long. Can't figure out how to delete post entirely. Sorry!


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## Mysteryman

Well most of my relationships were on a no strings attached basis. I did have one with committment. She said she was in love with me the first day. I didn't feel the same. I decided to see what would happen. 2 months later we break up. I didn't feel any sadness. I see being sad as a waste of time.


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## Mysteryman

Well most of my relationships were on a no strings attached basis. I did have one with committment. She said she was in love with me the first day. I didn't feel the same. I decided to see what would happen. 2 months later we break up. I didn't feel any sadness. I see being sad as a waste of time. I say move on. Pure & simple.


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## William I am

Mysteryman said:


> Well most of my relationships were on a no strings attached basis. I did have one with committment. She said she was in love with me the first day. I didn't feel the same. I decided to see what would happen. 2 months later we break up. I didn't feel any sadness. I see being sad as a waste of time.


No pain, no gain. Though whether or not you want that kind of closeness from a mate is up to you.


----------



## PGTV

Y'know I wish I had seen this in the last year...


----------



## LittleOrange

I´d suggest you just let yourself feel all of your emotions without thinking about them, anylizing them, sorting them out. Just cry, be angry, they will sort out on their own with time. I made a mistake of suppressing the feelings which only prolonged it. I kind of wish I had the courage to face it immidiately, cause then it wouldn´t last that long. Also, surround yourself with positive things: eat healthy, work out (yoga, running, etc.), laugh (watch sitcoms, comedies, funny internet sites like 9gag or lolthis), talk with someone if you can, hang out with people you like. Hope this helps


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## entpIdeas

And just when you think your life is over, the most incredible person randomly appears in your world and changes everything you have ever known. I'm not sure I could have believed how amazing life could be when I went through my last devastation, but somehow life rewarded me by giving me something a thousand times better. I can hardly believe it isn't a dream.


----------



## FootSoldier

This is an ENFJ speaking, but here are a few things that have worked well for me in the past:

1. I made a diary and wrote all my feelings and shame and rejection and neediness and insecurities; all the goodies that are brought to the surface of a breakup. I made myself promise to read it in three months. Then six. Then a year. It is so amazing how RIGHT NOW, it feels like it is never going to end. But the mind can, and does, forget the painful things. That is why people have children more than once. I made this diary for my first big breakup (it hurt so bad). Every time I have a breakup, I go back there to remind myself that the feelings that come from breaking up are transitory. And they can and do go away in time.

2. Its been said before on here but its worth saying again: Get closure. You won't get it right away, but you would be surprised at how many people are willing to meet up for a coffee or talk 1 to 2 years after a breakup. If you come at it from an angle of, "I'd really like to become more self aware so that I don't drive the next person away", you might get some good insights for next 
time.

3. This leads to point 3. Maybe not right away, but once you have had time to process and grieve, write down what you did wrong. Acknowledge that fault was on both sides, and that the other person had flaws too. Do not idealize, immortalize, or otherwise aggrandize your ex. Share the blame. Learn from your mistakes. Don't let yourself forget why the relationship failed. Take the time to learn what sorts of people you do click with, and where you might butt heads. This website is a great place to do that.

4. Realize that there is no "better" out there- only "different". I can't tell you how many times I've fallen into the pit of "I will NEVER connect with/love/find another person like XXXX again." That is simply not true. For me personally, every time I have felt that way, I met someone who just blew my mind for completely different reasons than XXXX. Trust in serendipity. And when that right person does come along, make sure that you have really thought about, and acted upon, point number 3, so that you are ready to step up.

5. Find a flirtation. Do not rebound, as that is never healthy for anyone, but go out one night and have long periods of extended eye contact with someone across a room, somewhere. Remind yourself that you are capable of being loved, and wanted.

Best of luck. I sympathize greatly with what you are going through right now. It is like getting sick, but so much worse.


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## Kyandigaru

i try to remember every little shitty thing they've done to me and base my "new life" off that.


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## Archetype

Never had one, I'm always like "bitch is crazy, NEXT!"
It's harder for me to deal with rejection like when I'm "investing" my emotion on a girl and got rejected.
Anyway, to recover from a heart break, I usually go out do something fun with my friends. My condition will get worse if I'm alone in a heart break.


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## Rafiki

Anyone interested in shootin' the sh!t?


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## Deanmachine

It's interesting to think about how different I treated my last breakup. Generally I'm the heartbreaker or the one who initiates break ups and then moves on immediately and doesn't look back. However this one was very different. I'm sure it has to do with how extremely toxic and emotionally abusive it was. Suppose that's what happens when you are with someone for four years and they make you scared of them and 100% dependent on them. When he broke up with my my world fell apart.

Honestly? You just have to give it time. It's hard. My last relationship was very abusive and honestly now that I've had time away from him (at this point in time it's been four months) I am just realizing how bad it really was. I never noticed the red flags or if I did I ignored them. Now that I'm away from him I'm kind of appalled at what I excused and dealt with. My therapist said I had stockholm syndrome, and I agree. 

I still think about my ex every day. Now, because of time, I do not cry over him (nearly) as much anymore. I am able to differentiate me 'missing him' to me missing having someone around. When I think about him it's more like traumatic flashbacks rather than me longing for him. It's a struggle.

However, I'm trying to live for me now, not for him. My advice would be to look outward. Go hang out with your friends more (especially if someone was like me and isolated yourself from everyone but your partner). Distract yourself at first. Let yourself calm down. Eventually when you are in a more stable place you can start dealing with your pain of your breakup. I learned if you try to deal with it too soon you just fall into a depressive cycle.

(this isnt directed at any specific member..this is more like just a ramble)


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## SummerHaze

well usually it's my initiative, I have never missed my ex bf, I simply forget about them and move on


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## Rafiki

i feel bad
it's a feeling like there's hope in a future land
once priorities change, stresses either die, change, or become incorporated through desensitization..
i hate thinking things are either good or bad, that you have to be together or not speak at all,
i wish we could be friendly to each other, in each other's lives, maybe without owing each other so much, without putting so much burden on each other's backs...

*Wouldn't that be nice by beach boys starts to play in background*


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## Rafiki

How to deal with feeling guilty for breaking up with someone who is a good, caring individual?


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## nicoloco90

pancaketreehouse said:


> A break up is harder to get over if you don't know the reasons someone broke up with you. I think we can agree it's easier to get over a break up you initiated, even if swallowing the idea of a failed lover, or a sunk cost emotional investment is hard.
> 
> [.......]


I think this is really important to mention. With my last SO, I forgave the wrongdoing done to me and I accepted her decision to leave me, as I loved her so much to respect what she needed right. 
However, the way she didn't treat me well in the fallout process, and how she began sort of lying to me (on top of keeping everything in the dark surrounding her motives and reasons to break up with me) ... _*that*_ really fucked me up for a at least a year back then. It's really hard to learn anything concrete from such an experience.


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## Rafiki

Anybody have any good break up and back together stories? Whether or not they worked out, looking for a good story here.


----------



## Tropes

pancaketreehouse said:


> How to deal with feeling guilty for breaking up with someone who is a good, caring individual?


Argh, that was my last breakup, and that's not easy.

You are not going to like my solution though:
The first part: Let the guilt is being, feel guilty, It's a shitty feeling that has its place and purpose, You've made a choice juggling between lesser evils and ended up hurting someone you cared about. At least you know you aren't a sociopath. 
The second part: When you are ready - when you trust yourself to not go back on it - make yourself available to them, not going back or hanging out with them all the time, just open the line of communication, they'll have unresolved questions, be around to answer, and be willing to answer it from their perspective, even when it doesn't put you in the best of light.


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## Lonewaer

pancaketreehouse said:


> Anybody have any good break up and back together stories? Whether or not they worked out, looking for a good story here.


Good break up story here. I dated a girl for a few months, kind of against my awareness, but she is a nice girl. We have known each other and been friends for years, and she's been trying to flirt for years without me noticing. Issue is, I wasn't in love while she was. We got together without really talking about it when we met up. It lasted like 3 months max, the time I realized that I was staying with her because of both the sex and not wanting to lose the friendship. I broke up with her, told her that. She did seem like she would have a hard time with it, and in the end, she's been holding up much better than I would have in her situation. She's the one to have asked me to keep interacting with her, even in the beginning, just so she doesn't feel like I'm dropping her like a wet sock. Sounded like a bad idea but fine by me. Nearly instantly, we were back on friendly terms. I know she still has feelings, she knows I still don't. She's a little afraid of engaging conversations with me, like I'm intimidating or something, and if we do talk on a daily basis, and if on my end I don't bite, I don't give her ground for something more to develop either. I think that's the key to make it work in such a context (no resentment) : don't give ground for more to develop/keep developing, that's up to the person who doesn't feel for the other to do that, not the other way around.

Honestly, I don't know how she's holding up, if she is at all. But if she is she's not showing me where she's at. The result is we still talk and spend quality time on a daily basis. Everything went better than expected, from my point of view, and she knows she has to tell me if she suddenly can't sustain that anymore, and that if she can't and doesn't tell me, that's her issue. So we're good, and I prefer it like that.


----------



## SummerHaze

after break up it's essential to find a perfect distraction. Alcohol, party, friends everyting will be fine


----------



## princess0

I feel like my ex is using all of the distractions mentioned here to forget about me. I literally begged him to at least stay friends with me (I hurt him pretty bad so he didn't want to talk to me at first) and eventually he agreed. So I was texting him a few times a week to check up on him, being as nice and supportive as possible because I know he's stressed with work and applications/entry exams for some grad schemes but he just talks to me as if I'm an acquaintance now. He always says he's busy and that he doesn't feel relaxed when he talks to me, but the last time we spoke he said he's sorry he's busy he'll message me on the weekend. So I decided to stop messaging him first to see if he notices that I'm giving him space but he hasn't messaged me. And I saw he's posted on instagram but he's on private so I can't see what he posted. 

I just feel like he's moved on already and I'm waiting for a text or phonecall from him that's never actually going to come. I spend literally all day thinking about him, I can't even focus at university in classes because I'm just hoping he'll message me.

I don't know if he uses work/exams as an excuse to get rid of me or if he is genuinely busy and might speak to me when he's finished with all that stuff (by next month probably). But by then I just think he won't feel anything for me at all.

How can I stop myself from thinking about him so obsessively every day? It is really impacting my whole life, I was already severely depressed before the break up but I feel like this break up is one of the reasons why I'm focusing even less in university classes and it also seems to be ruining my relationship with my mother (Who I'm normally very close to and she relies on me a lot as she is quite lonely too and also suffers from depression amongst other issues). I just want to fall asleep in classes, I don't take anything in, then I go home and just want to sleep. I don't want to socialise or dress nice anymore. I don't know how to get past this. I have never taken a break up this badly before, I am always the one who picks themselves up again and within a week I've got my confidence back and started talking to someone new. But I was with him for 1 year and really saw a future with him, and it's been 2 months now and I'm just feeling worse each day and more scared that he's started to see someone new.

He is ENFP by the way and I'm ISFJ


----------



## Lonewaer

princess0 said:


> I feel like my ex is using all of the distractions mentioned here to forget about me. I literally begged him to at least stay friends with me (I hurt him pretty bad so he didn't want to talk to me at first) and eventually he agreed. So I was texting him a few times a week to check up on him, being as nice and supportive as possible because I know he's stressed with work and applications/entry exams for some grad schemes but he just talks to me as if I'm an acquaintance now. He always says he's busy and that he doesn't feel relaxed when he talks to me, but the last time we spoke he said he's sorry he's busy he'll message me on the weekend. So I decided to stop messaging him first to see if he notices that I'm giving him space but he hasn't messaged me. And I saw he's posted on instagram but he's on private so I can't see what he posted.
> 
> I just feel like he's moved on already and I'm waiting for a text or phonecall from him that's never actually going to come. I spend literally all day thinking about him, I can't even focus at university in classes because I'm just hoping he'll message me.
> 
> I don't know if he uses work/exams as an excuse to get rid of me or if he is genuinely busy and might speak to me when he's finished with all that stuff (by next month probably). But by then I just think he won't feel anything for me at all.
> 
> How can I stop myself from thinking about him so obsessively every day? It is really impacting my whole life, I was already severely depressed before the break up but I feel like this break up is one of the reasons why I'm focusing even less in university classes and it also seems to be ruining my relationship with my mother (Who I'm normally very close to and she relies on me a lot as she is quite lonely too and also suffers from depression amongst other issues). I just want to fall asleep in classes, I don't take anything in, then I go home and just want to sleep. I don't want to socialise or dress nice anymore. I don't know how to get past this. I have never taken a break up this badly before, I am always the one who picks themselves up again and within a week I've got my confidence back and started talking to someone new. But I was with him for 1 year and really saw a future with him, and it's been 2 months now and I'm just feeling worse each day and more scared that he's started to see someone new.
> 
> He is ENFP by the way and I'm ISFJ


Repeat in your head, as many times as you need to : "I've hurt him". Let that sink in.

From there, he doesn't owe you a reason to not want to talk to you. Maybe he's moved on, maybe he didn't. You don't know, and it's not your business. By the way, when he will have moved on, he won't want to talk to you, at all. You should move on, too, go hang out with your friends. Do what you need to to get better, and reflect on your mistakes, on what you've done to hurt him.


----------



## entpIdeas

This is going to hurt. It doesn't matter what the cause was, what matters is that the closeness and depth is gone and you are grieving that loss. I would say something profound if there was something to say, but there isn't. I will offer a tiny morsel of what is getting me through it. Just "do" things. Keep doing things in short bursts whether it's a minute or five or more. When you get distracted and the thoughts fill you recognize them as sorrow sadness and grief. Do allow yourself to grieve the loss instead of hope for a change or a miracle. I'm not saying that won't happen, but it will eventually reveal itself and there won't be too much you can do proactively except respect and know that your ex heard what you said. One more thing. Your mother. You have to know that our pain tends to effect the relationships that are the most solid, and shakes them to the core. You can express that you are in pain outloud, that this is serving as a release, to weather the storm of emotions causing the stress with your mom. Usually people we love see us through these shitstorms of life and are actually are our shelter. They can't fix it, they can just be there. So sorry and sad for what you are feeling. I know it all too well.


----------



## Eira

Focusing on self-love. Nothing bad can come from it.


----------



## metal

try not to think about, and move on.


----------



## PointerGo

Learn how to forget about it.


----------



## piano

don't stifle yourself. if you bury the pain instead of feeling it then it'll come forth in uglier ways down the line. those unresolved feelings will carry over into your next relationship and the cycle will repeat itself indefinitely. try to strike a balance between realizing that it's over and you've gotta move on while acknowledging that it happened and you've gotta deal with it.

replacing the old with the new helps. if you surround yourself with things that remind you of your ex then your brain will make subconscious associations that are akin to rubbing salt in a wound. distance yourself til you've dealt with the crux of your (conflicted) emotions. but don't rid yourself of them completely (unless it was a particularly bad break-up) because those were once treasured memories to you.


----------



## Sylarz

I'm trying to get skinny. Gives me something to work towards to feel good about myself about.


----------



## North Star

Well, I figured you never really get over a break-up, you just get used to it. 
Then you look forward to other things.

The key problem that we have excess spare time after a breakup. So find something you can do at that time as Setrleua suggests health or if your like me go bird-watching or something. Maybe learn a new song.


----------



## TechFreak

Lonewaer said:


> Repeat in your head, as many times as you need to : "I've hurt him". Let that sink in.
> 
> From there, he doesn't owe you a reason to not want to talk to you. Maybe he's moved on, maybe he didn't. You don't know, and it's not your business. By the way, when he will have moved on, he won't want to talk to you, at all. You should move on, too, go hang out with your friends. Do what you need to to get better, and reflect on your mistakes, on what you've done to hurt him.


I agree, with Lonewaer here.

General rule: First step is acceptance, Second step dissociation.

This is going to sound pretty harsh but I will be straight to the point.

However the second step depends as it appears you @princess0 don't know what you want really.

I know it sounds harsh, I've been on the receiving end of similar treatment of being burnt pretty badly / being subconsciously being treated like crap because she doesn't know what she wants. After the last song and dance routine, I drew a line and have not even talked to her since.

If he wants to talk to you then he will talk to you after that _pain_ he will, otherwise don't dwell on it to much.

I know the latter is easier said then done, right now I imagine you are in a "if / what-if -loop"

People will make time for people they want to talk to - that is a given.

In the meantime keep yourself occupied and I know I've said this many times to others -> Pick up a sport. 

The reason I say that, it helps channel your energy outside as opposed inwards.

However if you are in such a conundrum and want him back, talk to him and see if you can mend bridges then again it is entirely up to you what you decide to do.


----------



## North Star

@princess0 people do do that. don't fret about it. *hugs* it's a tough time mate. tough time. day by day you grow. 

Think of that obsession like quitting cigarettes. Whenever you think about him, also think of the problems you were facing. You don't really want the dry throat and stinky smell of cigarettes do you? Think about it. You want it back just because of a craving. It will add nothing in your life. 

It's gonna be hard, but don't you worry you'll be up on your feet soon. I think you already must be feeling better over a month down the line.  so cheerio! a good friends company is great as a replacement  
ps. sp's in generally seem to be awesome pals in break ups. Neither too serious nor too unfeeling.


----------



## pwlife

Focus on your life and see the positive in a breakup. These are wonderful points in your life where you can spend lots of time with improving yourself and grow as a person. Embrace your feelings, but try to things that you've always wanted to do. Good luck to everyone who is living through a breakup at the moment. Life will get better, trust yourself.


----------



## Introvertia

For me, it works to isolate my ex completely out of my life and cut all interaction with them.
I can't do any of the 'let's be friends' bullshit. It doesn't work, especially if I've been hurt.

I usually get absorbed in a project (usually school or work) immediately after a breakup and aim all of my energy in it, until I've distanced myself enough to be able to deal with the feelings of disappointment, sadness, anger, whatever I've left. 

I don't always do this, but sometimes pros & cons list helps to deal with the subject. You may realize there are more cons on the list. Even if it's just your mind falsely trying to justify the breakup by convincing itself it could have never worked and it's best this way, it helps to move forward and let go.


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## avantgardenia

Just to build on what everyone has been saying here, 

Even if you find that you were in a situation where everything went wrong because of the other person, it is imperative to take some responsibility for it. Yes, he/she hurt me, but guess what, I _let_ him/her hurt me. I allowed him/her to hurt me and I told myself it was okay or even worse, that I deserved it. And that is unacceptable, because I need to take care of myself. I need to love myself.

Once you take responsibility, you regain control over a terrible situation and therefore, your life. Never forget to work on yourself. I am a huge believer of our relationships being a reflection of ourselves. There is a lesson in every break-up.


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## TwoStepsAhead

*it is never only one who has done wrong in a relationship, it is always both.* Say what you have on your heart and say it *nicely*. If you do not come to a *decision*, take your things and *go*. Difficult to get the person *out of your mind?* start with a *hobby* that requires a lot of *thinking*, with *new people* who do not know you. myself, I began to play computer games, met many wonderful people and great fun too, it does not cost much at all, but of course you're going to do something you are interested in and makes you *forget* all the shit that happened. bit problematic when you have children together, when you need to have contact with each other all the time. But it works if you can *come to an understanding*, and that is that it was *not the right one*, but it will *make you stronger for the right one* that will in the future *come to you*, and never blame anything on yourself for it is not so, *Pluss and minuses do not go together*..


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## camous

So I broke up 10 days ago and it was awful, I didn't want to but it was the only possible solution. I miss her terribly though and I know she also cared but her personal life is such a mess... I saw her today though, bump into each other at uni. Small talk and all, it was nice but then I think fuck why did it have to end? I really miss her.


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## Deejaz

Where's the rant page of S&R..


*FU ghoster.* Damn you. We were good.


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## Lady D

Don't have sex with your ex.


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## Sgossette94

North Star said:


> Well, I figured you never really get over a break-up, you just get used to it.
> Then you look forward to other things.
> 
> The key problem that we have excess spare time after a breakup. So find something you can do at that time as Setrleua suggests health or if your like me go bird-watching or something. Maybe learn a new song.


It depends on the person and personality type I suppose, as well as how and why a break up happened. I can honestly say I have never been more broken in my life when mine happened, part of it was I didn't see it comming, though now looking back I am better for it. But at the end of the day people are ultimately replaceable. You don't forget them out of bitterness or some petty emotion like that, you forget them because they have made themselves irrilivent. Just takes time, and a bit of logic.


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## ShyEclipse12

That initial post was extremely helpful; I didn't think I wanted to know why someone I love more than anything would leave, but its better than the eternal torment of an Fi-Si loop that debilitates me where I try and conceive every possible thing that's wrong with me rather than one or two things. 

On the cusp of a newly and seemingly innevitable separation, I really don't know what to do.. I'm struggling to distract myself in any way I possibly can by playing nonstop music and staying up as late as i can flipping through games or books or facebook. I'm scared ill enter a loop again and feel depression set in, and at least what would work to help me get out of it would be using my aux Ne. I need to see a beautiful bright future to have the hope required to stay happy. I don't feel happy at this moment, and I know if I just let my Ne loose, maybe I could be happier. I'm so scared though, because I keep imagining how the person I loved went off to spend a night with an old crush. A healthier me in the future would no doubt reassure I need to stop living in this complacent moment and let my mind go to the wind to suffer and subsequently climb back out of the hole I'm teetering on. 

If another INFP is near that edge of melancholy over a break up, I'd hope that advise could be helpful. Exercise positive Ne, and maybe work through that stuff in your head at a comfortable pace without slipping further down into feeling sad, but maybe not close your mind so hard that you cant think straight at all. 

For everyone else, I'm sorry if I don't have much advice. We're all going to make it through, even if it doesn't seem like it right now. I'm proud of anyone who's riding these feelings out, its not easy and you're never alone


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## SummerHaze

there is no recipe on how to deal with it
just try todistract yourself with a trip, work,friends
be busy


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## DarkSideOfLight

Simple way for a guy to deal with a breakup.

Here is the plan:
1) You must break up
2) Fuck someone else asap
3) Get into routine sex with your ex
4) Take her on a fancy trip and propose
5) On the way back tell her that you fucked someone else
6) Propose another five to seven times
7) Break mentally while having sex with your ex (being rejected so many times should bite your bloody ass), scream that this is the last time, which is certainly not
8) Have an on and off coffee/drink/sex/chat/movie with her
9) Get her to a point in which even sex seems like a fucking disaster for both of you
10) Grab your bloody balls and shut any contact with her off

Feel free to apply for a fantastic drama in your life.


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## swenya

Got stuff made out of paper mache near you? destroy that. then drink scalding hot chocolate whilst screaming irish profanities. should do the trick.


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## Malte

Move on and keep the good memorys for later (dont go in that the first few month) dont stay home alone for long times... be active do someting with frinds, work out, explore new cities etc. Maybe u can even think back later with a smile about the time u spend together. In generel focus more on the future not the past.


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## Bonbear

-Alpha- said:


> I'm not sure where to put this. Here seems most appropriate.
> 
> I suffer abandonment issues pretty badly. Though my girlfriend has expressed every day since we started dating how much she enjoys my company, I can't help but feel I withdraw emotionally on an almost instinctual level. I wake up every morning to a Facebook message from her and she tells me all the time how much she likes being my girlfriend and how attractive and intelligent she thinks I am. I like her a lot, too.
> 
> The problem is that I've experienced one or two tough breakups in my life and, if it's sufficient to say, I'm done with it. I don't want to listen to songs on the radio and think of someone that's left me, I don't want to have the conversation where your heart sinks into your stomach and you know what the person is going to say to you. Rejection is just not for me anymore. In my most recent relationship, I was told that I was always sort of "showing her the door" and that is not what I want to do this time because as much as I push people away, it does get lonely from time to time and it's really nice for someone to be close and tell me that I'm cared for.
> 
> Honestly, when people become my friend or decide they're attracted to me, I wait for them to get bored and leave. I've come to believe that most people are going to at some point or another and aren't interested in the same things I am as far as relationships go. Any time in the last five years or so that a girl has confessed feelings for me, I find myself thinking "really? For how long? How long are YOU going to be here before you realize you really didn't want to get to know me in the first place?" And honestly, I think it's having a detrimental effect on all my friendships and relationships. I just find myself talking to most people with one foot out the door because I think of all forms of affection as fleeting and temporary. Knowing that on an intellectual level is easier than feeling it and I can pretty safely say that I don't feel it.


I can relate, dude, but hoepfully you can get to therapy. It's really helped me and it is waay preferable to feeling insecure in a relationship and absolutely devastated when someone leaves. EMDR therapy has really helped me.


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## entpIdeas

This is exactly how I feel, but I'll add a detail. Sometimes it isn't them who decides to leave us, sometimes it's us who may be the one who leaves. We are unique and alone and though we cross paths with others they don't "become" us, nor us them. We simply become part of each other's experience on the planet. The length and magnitude of those experiences varies. 

The most important thing I've learned is that our hearts are designed to either love none, one, more than one, or many. If we embrace incredible things being alone becomes enjoyable. That's how we weather the storm of independence in between and during telationships. Find the thing in your world that brings you joy and soon others will be attracted to your spirit. 

I'd say I've changed and grown over the years to accept the temporary nature of not just relationships, but of everything. There are constants, though. Things we can control to some degree, but not entirely. Keep many of those things near. Work on your health, too. Constructively use alone time and cherish together time even if it might be fleeting. We can only experience each moment as we are in it. Do we hesitate to go to a concert or watch a movie because it will conclude? 

My best mechanism for happiness and survival is to embrace that which is within my world at any given time. Stay in the moment and surround yourself with friends and other joys. Losing things is horrific, yes but inevitable. You're ability to adapt to the circumstance is self-love. Practice it. It's the best gift you can give yourself and the surest way to being whole. I greatly miss many relationships but I take assurance that those who love me now would have never had that chance if I didn't grow to be better through the devastation of loss. 

I embrace that which is in my world in the present.


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## Abbaladon Arc V

Kill her.


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## irish1

Working on it right now. Got reacquainted with a long lost ex-GF to help ease the pain. Just talking mostly. Burying myself in my work. Drinking more than I should. Trying to map new experiences over place and things that remind me of her.....

Regardless, it is bloody painful and difficult.


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## Myrkur

Sex. 
Working out. 
Poetry. 
Whiskey. 
Freedom. 

_Rinse, repeat_.


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## thealchemist

Coming from an ENFP who experienced a recent break up:

-Don't hold any grudges or animosity, get to the level where you accept things as they are and don't hypothesize what could've been. There are reasons you got to this point. Take it as a lesson learned.
-Keep busy
-Hang out with friends
-Meet new people
-Day Adventures
-Plan more parties
-Tinder
-Go to Work
-Re-explore the things that once make you happy. Relationships are time-consuming and can change you as a person without you even noticing. Get back to hanging out with the people you were unable to see and the things you enjoyed doing.
-Make sure to self care (pamper yourself and don't regret it)


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