# How Can One Tell if an INFJ male FRIEND is interested...in that way?



## SiennaO (Aug 14, 2014)

Thanks, ThisModernLove, that's very helpful. I'm pretty convinced he does now (and so are a few people) but it is hard to gauge how he is going to take it forward, or if he even plans to so I don't want to steam in with a conversation like that just yet. Ah well, time will tell!


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## ruskiix (Sep 28, 2013)

mony said:


> He'll want to hang out with you and talk about issues that are important to him. Just be careful though because as soon as he likes you, he will only think about you and invest so much time and effort into the relationship... If you can't handle it, it's best not to start anything so neither of you get hurt emotionally.


Was going to read all the responses here before saying anything but THIS SO MUCH THIS. I think INFJs need a warning label for some people. Especially since, for me, once I am that invested, it doesn't necessarily mean what it does for other people. There's no "I kind of like you." I either absolutely adore everything about you, or we're friends. Neither of those has anything to do with whether or not I want to date you, just how much I want you in my life. I can be just friends with a guy I'm absolutely head over heels in love with, and be genuinely supportive of the guy dating other people, and actually be an even better friend because of my feelings. But the feelings are unavoidable.


I'm not a guy, but, I'd say if the INFJ seems to try very hard to be what you need, that's a good sign. If they're upset about something, and find out something is going on with you, and they suddenly completely forget their situation and are totally focused on helping you. If they make tons of really intense eye contact, but look away when you start being a bit affectionate, probably also a good sign. I think I actually look kind of sad or upset for a second or two when someone is being affectionate and I'm not expecting it. If it comes from someone I'm not interested in, I'll laugh it off and joke and try to steer things in another direction, but if it's from someone I really WANT to like me, I absolutely freeze up and get really awkward.


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## SiennaO (Aug 14, 2014)

Thanks for replying ruskiix. If I may ask, what do you mean by 'tries to be what you need?' Still not really clear on that. 

Also being affectionate, do you mean like saying kind words? Cos I notice my INFJ friends brush it off whenever I encourage them or say they are really good at something, almost kind of like putting themselves down. Basically I think they are people who are very very hard on themselves.


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## ruskiix (Sep 28, 2013)

SiennaO said:


> Thanks for replying ruskiix. If I may ask, what do you mean by 'tries to be what you need?' Still not really clear on that.
> 
> Also being affectionate, do you mean like saying kind words? Cos I notice my INFJ friends brush it off whenever I encourage them or say they are really good at something, almost kind of like putting themselves down. Basically I think they are people who are very very hard on themselves.


Yeah, I mean gestures can do it too. I had some scars on my arms and an ENFP I'd had feelings for a long time, close friend who knew the story behind them, just had this really sweet and .. deep? expression once looking at them, and running his fingers along them. So, just really emotionally intimate gestures, or anything you say that gives away how you feel about us. It's not that we think we're terrible. We are hard on ourselves, but we also know we're good. For me, I like me just fine, I'm just extremely aware at all times of what other people want me to be, and I know I can't be all of those things at once. So when someone I really care about sort of confirms that for them I'm good enough, that I'm worth the effort, that they care about me, whatever, it isn't that I put myself down and don't believe it. It's that the other 90% of my day I'm noticing the exact opposite even in fairly minor situations, and for a second, to have someone really just be satisfied with what I am and understand me is such a shock that it kind of hurts, and it's scary to believe it too much. Because the other 90% of the day is still there. Also why we sometimes seem to be needy and insecure--we aren't, we just get a bit addicted to being told genuinely good things like that sometimes.

As for trying to be what you need.. Not sure how to explain that. It isn't like being submissive really. Just. We're so focused on the people we care about that we're just constantly adapting to what they seem to need, because we want it more than what we want for ourselves usually. So, if you seem stressed out by us, we'll do absolutely anything to leave you alone until you're okay. If you need us to open up more, it may be clumsy but we'll try very hard to. If you need someone to be available at 4am to talk because you just went through a breakup, we're probably sleeping holding onto our cellphone, just in case. Even if we have a super early thing the next morning. I mean I wouldn't try and test this since it could make them feel like you're just manipulating them. But. If the guy already seems fairly warm and friendly toward you, you could try getting his attention when he's doing something else, and see how he reacts.


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## SiennaO (Aug 14, 2014)

ruskiix said:


> Yeah, I mean gestures can do it too. I had some scars on my arms and an ENFP I'd had feelings for a long time, close friend who knew the story behind them, just had this really sweet and .. deep? expression once looking at them, and running his fingers along them. So, just really emotionally intimate gestures, or anything you say that gives away how you feel about us. It's not that we think we're terrible. We are hard on ourselves, but we also know we're good. For me, I like me just fine, I'm just extremely aware at all times of what other people want me to be, and I know I can't be all of those things at once. So when someone I really care about sort of confirms that for them I'm good enough, that I'm worth the effort, that they care about me, whatever, it isn't that I put myself down and don't believe it. It's that the other 90% of my day I'm noticing the exact opposite even in fairly minor situations, and for a second, to have someone really just be satisfied with what I am and understand me is such a shock that it kind of hurts, and it's scary to believe it too much. Because the other 90% of the day is still there. Also why we sometimes seem to be needy and insecure--we aren't, we just get a bit addicted to being told genuinely good things like that sometimes.
> 
> As for trying to be what you need.. Not sure how to explain that. It isn't like being submissive really. Just. We're so focused on the people we care about that we're just constantly adapting to what they seem to need, because we want it more than what we want for ourselves usually. So, if you seem stressed out by us, we'll do absolutely anything to leave you alone until you're okay. If you need us to open up more, it may be clumsy but we'll try very hard to. If you need someone to be available at 4am to talk because you just went through a breakup, we're probably sleeping holding onto our cellphone, just in case. Even if we have a super early thing the next morning. I mean I wouldn't try and test this since it could make them feel like you're just manipulating them. But. If the guy already seems fairly warm and friendly toward you, you could try getting his attention when he's doing something else, and see how he reacts.


No joke, that bit about holding onto your cellphone while sleeping just in case just brought tears to my eyes. I guess I've already tried to get his attention once, well not tried, I was just saying about a problem I had at college and he has other things on his plate, and he replied offering to meet even though I get the feeling he really needs to prepare before doing face to face interactions, and it had only been a couple of weeks since the last time he saw me.


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## AFO_Rabbit (Aug 21, 2014)

SiennaO said:


> Thanks for replying ruskiix. If I may ask, what do you mean by 'tries to be what you need?' Still not really clear on that.
> 
> Also being affectionate, do you mean like saying kind words? Cos I notice my INFJ friends brush it off whenever I encourage them or say they are really good at something, almost kind of like putting themselves down. Basically I think they are people who are very very hard on themselves.


We just have a lot of humility so definitely not putting ourselves down. Definitely give a very straight-forward answer (eliminates misunderstandings); for ex. "I like you and I want to be more than friends" (exactly or something on that line) and if you like you can add a *wink* * wink* with a smile after that sentence :happy: Also, this is a good way to let him know as well (a VERY GOOD way) Flirt-Physically :tongue:


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## SiennaO (Aug 14, 2014)

AFO_Rabbit said:


> We just have a lot of humility so definitely not putting ourselves down. Definitely give a very straight-forward answer (eliminates misunderstandings); for ex. "I like you and I want to be more than friends" (exactly or something on that line) and if you like you can add a *wink* * wink* with a smile after that sentence :happy: Also, this is a good way to let him know as well (a VERY GOOD way) Flirt-Physically :tongue:


Haha guess I'll try that next I see him. It's funny because I'm tactile with pretty much everyone, even my girl friends, but as soon as I like a guy it's all gone. 

P.S. I love King of the Hill


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## AFO_Rabbit (Aug 21, 2014)

SiennaO said:


> Haha guess I'll try that next I see him. It's funny because I'm tactile with pretty much everyone, even my girl friends, but as soon as I like a guy it's all gone.
> 
> P.S. I love King of the Hill


Glad to meet somebody who understands that propane is a great source of fuel, I'll tell you h'what :laughing:

Yeah don't worry, as long as you are very friendly, compassionate, honest, and sincere towards him you're not going to lose him :wink:

One thing to note, INFJ guys have very limited social cues and are very shy (socially inept) so understand it is 100% better for you to "lead the dance" or be the active one (the pursuer). Also we (from a guys perspective) are attracted if the opposite partner are submissive when it comes to affection and love as well as enjoys, from time to time, the partner being dominant roud: but that's going a bit too far in the relationship and plus you haven't asked the above question yet :tongue: INFJ's are longing to be hugged


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## SiennaO (Aug 14, 2014)

AFO_Rabbit said:


> Glad to meet somebody who understands that propane is a great source of fuel, I'll tell you h'what :laughing:
> 
> Yeah don't worry, as long as you are very friendly, compassionate, honest, and sincere towards him you're not going to lose him :wink:
> 
> One thing to note, INFJ guys have very limited social cues and are very shy (socially inept) so understand it is 100% better for you to "lead the dance" or be the active one (the pursuer). Also we (from a guys perspective) are attracted if the opposite partner are submissive when it comes to affection and love as well as enjoys, from time to time, the partner being dominant roud: but that's going a bit too far in the relationship and plus you haven't asked the above question yet :tongue: INFJ's are longing to be hugged











Ahh but see, I feel like he always gives off these vibes like he doesn't want to be hugged, it's so hard for me to explain, but when we say bye I feel like there are invisible hands pushing me away, so saying bye to him is always beyond awkward. Like he suddenly seems really distant. 

And in regards to 'taking charge' so to speak, does that include initiating communication as well? Even if no reply?


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## Nihom (Aug 13, 2014)

SiennaO said:


> View attachment 186074
> 
> 
> Ahh but see, I feel like he always gives off these vibes like he doesn't want to be hugged, it's so hard for me to explain, but when we say bye I feel like there are invisible hands pushing me away, so saying bye to him is always beyond awkward. Like he suddenly seems really distant.
> ...


If he's giving off vibes about hugging/touching then don't do it. I personally do not like being touched by members of the opposite gender unless it's family or little old church ladies where it means nothing. It would help to know what he believed. That could explain more into his interaction with you.


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## AFO_Rabbit (Aug 21, 2014)

SiennaO said:


> View attachment 186074
> 
> 
> Ahh but see, I feel like he always gives off these vibes like he doesn't want to be hugged, it's so hard for me to explain, but when we say bye I feel like there are invisible hands pushing me away, so saying bye to him is always beyond awkward. Like he suddenly seems really distant.
> ...


It takes time for INFJ's to open up (could a long time or short time; it depends on the partner), deep inside INFJ's want genuine human interaction; what we convey in the outside is completely different from what we truly feel/want to say in terms of relationship wise. Keep talking to him even if he doesn't say a lick of word (INFJ's aren't too talkative/emotional, mostly observant) and be affectionate every time you see him - don't get discouraged or put off if he doesn't show affection back, again it takes time for us to open. I would advise, definitely, to initiate communication especially at the early beginning stages. Make him feel very special like he's part of your life. Then he'll realize after all that constant effort/affection you put in (and still continue), he'll know its safe to open up/not needing to be shy anymore to you and will start showing affection back. 

Hugging/touching should be determined based on the level of friendship you are at now, if you barely know him and hes giving off vibes not to be touched then its best to stay back. But if he truly likes you, you don't have to worry about this

Patience is key :wink:


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## SiennaO (Aug 14, 2014)

Nihom said:


> If he's giving off vibes about hugging/touching then don't do it. I personally do not like being touched by members of the opposite gender unless it's family or little old church ladies where it means nothing. It would help to know what he believed. That could explain more into his interaction with you.


Could you elaborate on 'what believes' bit please? What he believes re physical contact or something else?


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## SiennaO (Aug 14, 2014)

AFO_Rabbit said:


> It takes time for INFJ's to open up (could a long time or short time; it depends on the partner), deep inside INFJ's want genuine human interaction; what we convey in the outside is completely different from what we truly feel/want to say in terms of relationship wise. Keep talking to him even if he doesn't say a lick of word (INFJ's aren't too talkative/emotional, mostly observant) and be affectionate every time you see him - don't get discouraged or put off if he doesn't show affection back, again it takes time for us to open. I would advise, definitely, to initiate communication especially at the early beginning stages. Make him feel very special like he's part of your life. Then he'll realize after all that constant effort/affection you put in (and still continue), he'll know its safe to open up/not needing to be shy anymore to you and will start showing affection back.
> 
> Hugging/touching should be determined based on the level of friendship you are at now, if you barely know him and hes giving off vibes not to be touched then its best to stay back. But if he truly likes you, you don't have to worry about this
> 
> Patience is key :wink:


Thanks for that! Well I have known him almost 5 years now...well I am going to suggest an outing day tonight (he suggested it first, I said I'd let him know the day), plus to tell him I got him a little present hehe


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## Worriedfunction (Jun 2, 2011)

Grab him...there...yes there.


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## SiennaO (Aug 14, 2014)

Worriedfunction said:


> Grab him...there...yes there.


Hahahaha I suppose that would circumvent the issue of awkward conversations :tongue:


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## AFO_Rabbit (Aug 21, 2014)

SiennaO said:


> Thanks for that! Well I have known him almost 5 years now...well I am going to suggest an outing day tonight (he suggested it first, I said I'd let him know the day), plus to tell him I got him a little present hehe


5 years is plenty then, just be very subtle in your approach :wink:
I wish you good luck Sienna! Hopefully it will be a good day for the both of you!


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## SiennaO (Aug 14, 2014)

Thanks AFO, will let you know how it all turns out haha


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