# How to comfort the different mbti types?



## Trapped in Inertia (Mar 21, 2014)

So I was going to post this on the ENTJ forum but I thought it would be better to get all the different types. I'm pretty lost when it comes to comforting people. I automatically awww and ask them if they want to talk about their feelings. The response i usually get from my entj friend is a "fuck you". NFs are a bit better and they usually open up pretty easily. I find that encouragement like "you can do it!" is pretty effective on SJs. with NFs I can tell them that it'll get better in the future and sympathize with them and wish them well. With a lot of types I can just validate them and that seems to help. I'm pretty lost when it comes to my ENTJ friend though. I have resorted to just waiting out his bad days and being extremely patient (and apologizing profusely).


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## Paradigm (Feb 16, 2010)

ironicinfp said:


> I find that encouragement like "you can do it!" is pretty effective on SJs.


*makes a note for the future*

With TJs, you might get better success if you talk about solutions over feelings. Not platitudes like "you can do it" or "it'll get better," but solutions like "what can you do next?" It feels pitying if someone replies to me with "aw you poor thing," and platitudes invalidates my emotions (if I'm upset, 'cause I might not be) since they're so generic and brush-offy. Really depends on the situation, I guess. If I am emotional about a problem, just give me a while to chill out by myself. If I'm unemotional, I'll likely want to go straight into problem solving mode.

This is, of course, from the perspective of an INTJ.


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## kannbrown (Oct 3, 2014)

For INTP? Don't know, I get pretty uncomfortable with people knowing I'm upset. So, perhaps allowing me to maintain that illusion?


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## Catallena (Oct 19, 2014)

Take me out for coffee or lunch. roud:


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## 1000BugsNightSky (May 8, 2014)

Smile and show that you are there to listen. Even if we say nothing (90+% of the time), just the idea of knowing that we are not alone is comforting enough.

Intp.

Edit: Also give us privacy. Don't talk to us if we do not want to talk. Emotional support is nice. Too much verbal comfort may discomfort us.


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## Angina Jolie (Feb 13, 2014)

''With NFs I can tell them that it'll get better in the future and sympathize with them and wish them well.''

This has never worked when Ne kicks and and starts it's sentences with - yeah BUT. 

I think comfprting NF's with actual practical solution ideas could help.


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## Fire Away (Nov 29, 2013)

ISFP's are pretty easy, we tend to do things, rather than say things.

Just ask an ISFP to go for a walk, a joyride, or some other stupid shit.

I can't speak for all ISFP's, but I hate talking about me feelings, it's sort of an Fi thing.


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## graygray30 (Nov 17, 2014)

ENFPs: we may not find it easy to believe the things you tell us (we'll pretend we feel better even if we don't), but we love people and when people are simply there for us. Give us a hug, listen to us rant, buy us chocolate. Then you can give us space, but still being near by. It's a really weird thing about ENFPs, we are extraverts but we like to be alone with people around e.g. watching a movie with someone else, going for a quiet walk with someone else, listening to music with someone else, doing art with someone else near by. So even if we are very quiet and barely want to talk, we still appreciate your company/presence more than you could imagine.


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

INTP don't comfort me. I will be upstairs playing Star Wars. Machines ease my discomfort more than humans.


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## Ummon (Jun 16, 2014)

With INFJs, I think it works to be honest (but not super blunt). We can be very straightforward about wanting to resolve a problem.


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## Vox (Mar 16, 2012)

I abhor platitudes. One of the best ways to make me angry or frustrated with you. (But genuinely complimenting me often helps, especially with elaboration. Unfortunately, whether or not I believe it can fluctuate a bit.)

Suggesting solutions is fine as long as you offer something that I haven't thought of, but most people don't ask beforehand what I've already thought of and then it exasperates me having to repeat my thinking process.

If my distress involves a disagreement of whatever type with another individual, it sort of doesn't help when people kind of...loyally take my side and demonize said individual. I mean, it won't usually make my mood worse, but then I start defending the individual and it distracts from the problem at hand.

I think the easiest ways to make me feel better are to talk and interact with me normally if I'm up for it, let me vent for a while, or if I am really refusing to talk, just be with me.

Often, the worst thing to do is leave me alone. I'll usually trend downwards, either immediately or over time.

I don't know if _all_ of this applies to other ENTPs, though I think the first couple points probably do.


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## Innogen (Oct 22, 2014)

How to comfort me? Don't. I enjoy wallowing in my sea of feels, it's fun!
But when it gets to a point where I can't comfort myself, then words won't do much. Try hugging. If I'm shaking, hold me still. Get me a blanket. Or just tell me to calm the hell down.

But when all else fails, give me chocolate. Chocolate. CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!!


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## monthlydinners (Sep 4, 2012)

I can't stand it when people try to comfort me with clichés like "Everything is going to be okay!" and "You can get through this!".
First of all, it does _nothing_ to help my situation. Offering me actual, honest advice on what to do (without being judgmental, of course) is far preferable. And second, it's just insincere and lazy. It feels like you're just sputtering out generic bullshit so you don't have to waste time helping the way a friend actually should. If one of my friends has a problem, I'll take the time out of my day to think about what would be the most beneficial way to deal with it and send back a substantial, compassionate, well-thought-out response, and I expect the same in return.

I also hate when I'm trying to talk about something that's upsetting me and people do that gentle shushing thing to calm me down because they think I'm getting too riled up or something. It's not calming, it's fucking annoying and it comes off as if my expression of negative emotion is inconveniencing you, like you want it to stop just so you won't have to deal with it. I don't like being touched either, especially when I'm in the middle of a panic attack.

Basically: No sugary, hollow bullcrap. Don't patronize me or talk to me like a kid (BIGGEST PET PEEVE EVER), and I'll be good.

I don't know if this is typical of INFPs, though… I think I'm more touchy than most. :wink:


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## kaylamint (Sep 18, 2014)

hug me and express some sympathy and then get me involved in something fun! laughter!
i usually don't rant or rave but when my emotions get too much hear me out and give me practical advice, and then cuddles.


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## westlose (Oct 9, 2014)

Just show me that you understand me, and let me talk about it. Just listen, and show me that you love me and support me. I don't need you to talk, just to be with me.


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## nO_d3N1AL (Apr 25, 2014)

To reassure me (INTJ), try as hard as possible to see things from my perspective and tell me optimistic/positive things. Use reasoning to "confirm" the "correctness" of my perception and thought process, actions etc. It's fine to use emotional methods so long as they're not generic and have some credible value (i.e. it's not something you could say to absolutely anyone, has to be directed towards me specifically).


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## DimentionL (Jun 23, 2012)

Platitudes and the usual emotional comforting usually don't do it for me, they burhs off and don't really get me any clsoer to a resolution on whatever is bugging me. Acknowledgement of my approach, but with some perspective, which the NTs I know often give is really helpful though. Gets me to think of something in a different way and closer to a better answer, assuming the perspective shift didn't already come with one.


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## CosmoFaerie (Jul 26, 2014)

Generally speaking, if I'm sad I usually just need to be left alone. This isn't always the case, there are some very specific circumstances in which being left alone would just make it worse; if the cause of my distress is something related to loneliness, I will most likely prefer to be comforted. However, situations like that rarely arise for me. Most of the time the best response is to just wait until I've calmed down, see if I want to discuss it, and offer potential solutions to the problem. I want to stress the part about seeing if I'm willing to talk about the issue, though. Offering unsolicited suggestions to resolve a problem I did not agree to discuss in the first place will seem very intrusive to me and I will probably just get irritated, if not legitimately angry.


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## Trapped in Inertia (Mar 21, 2014)

Thanks I'll keep this in mind the next time I'm trying to comfort an infp  I live it when infps get riled up, it's rare to find someone who can be outwardly expressive with their emotions like that.


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## Jenko (Sep 11, 2014)

ENTP, don't say motivational crap, just listen to my complain and then say in an energic way, ''ok, it happened already, there's nothing you can do about it'', I'll say angrily ''I know, I'm just really pissed off'', and you proceed ''I know, but even you know that you have to let it go, so let's _______ (fill with something really unexpected, nonsense that you are sure I am going to like, probably something I said one day) if the bad mood persists then you have to continue to instigate me with these ideas. My ESTP friend is really good with this, he always comes up with an idea like ''let's throw tomatoes in parked cars while driving'' or '' let's invade that house that is under construction''


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## 121689 (Jun 21, 2014)

I think everyone is going to be a bit different. Pay attention to body language and facial cues. Oh, and gauge how close you are to the person. My INTJ sister will literally drop everything on me if I know she's going through something rough, but my my INTJ friend, who is a bit more distant, won't be as apt to share. 
Personally, whether I know the type or not, I'll give my undivided attention to the person and just listen. A lot of the time, that's just what someone needs. And a lot of the time, they know what they need to do, and they have all the advice, they just need someone to be there for them. After they're done sharing, you can usually get a good idea of what they need next, whether that be advice (ALWAYS ask first if you can give them advice! A lot of people, including me, don't like unsolicited advice, because they already know), or an invitation to do something fun, or comforting words or even just a hug. 

*A note on INFJs...this has remained true for all but one INFJ I knew awhile back: We DO know what we have to do and we already have a good grasp on the situation. We're telling you because we trust you, and you've proven yourself to us that you care enough to just be there. We strongly appreciate the support.


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## aendern (Dec 28, 2013)

This has to do with love languages and not MBTI.

While I agree that those who share an MBTI type will tend to have similar love languages, it is not always the case.

For example, my highest love languages are _words of affirmation_ and _quality time_. So that would be how to comfort me.

^but I know a certain INTJ type 9 who has an affinity for acts of service 
(^Where has she been, btw? Haven't seen her on here in a while . . . )


edit:

One thing that always comforts me is knowing that I'm not alone.

If I screw something up really badly, it almost always makes me feel better to know that other people also sometimes screw up just as badly or worse than I did.

Specific anecdotes about how you screwed up in the past will, no doubt, make me feel better.


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## LostFavor (Aug 18, 2011)

One apology is sufficient if you feel you've wronged someone (I get annoyed when people apologize over and over). In my experience, you can be sympathetic, but you also need to stand up to NTJs sometimes - and they will usually respect you for doing so, even if they don't always agree with what you say or your approach to things.

I find that one of the best things for an NTJ is if you can be strong for them, if that makes sense. When we're trying to plow forward like a streamroller and it's damaging us, it can be helpful to have someone who has the fortitude to stop us in our tracks and make us reevaluate.

Also keep in mind that many of us have a distinctly gentle side and when we feel comfortable showing that side, it's usually our hope that it won't get trampled on.

Disclaimer: Individual preferences may vary.


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## owlet (May 7, 2010)

I agree with @LostFavor - it really helps for someone else to be strong, because (at least in my case) life seems to be about having to be permanently strong and cool about things just to make sure everything gets done, and most of this takes place behind a sort of buffer, but after so long the buffer wears down and it can get to you, so someone else shouldering some of the burden (and doing it well - if it gets messed up, it's more stressful) and being there to 'be strong' for you if very welcome.

Solutions too. If I talk about a problem, I'm never looking for sympathy, just a resolution or, if we're very close, possibly just talking out loud to get it out of my head so I don't have to dwell on it any more.


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## monemi (Jun 24, 2013)

Depends what happened. But typically, when I'm upset, I'm prone to lashing out. It's best to give me space. I like to go for a run or a punching bag is nice. Give me something or someone to take a swing at. If I'm extremely upset, the best thing I can do is go meditate. I make the mistake of distracting myself when I'm upset sometimes. This only delays it. I don't work it out that way and it as soon as the distraction ends, it's still right there. At least if I'm meditating or running or fighting, I can physically get it out of my system and think it through. 

I really dislike hearing "Are you okay?" or "Do you need to talk?" I can talk when I've cooled off and had some time to think about it some. But while I'm still obviously upset, you're pushing my buttons and I'm feeling vulnerable and my response is likely to be volatile. What I really need is space. I know it's unhealthy, but fear and sadness turn straight into anger. Whenever those come up, I know well enough to get away from people. Odds are high I'll say or do something I don't mean.


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## CoffeeAndSarcasm (Jul 17, 2014)

Speaking as an INTJ, I can say sometimes no comforting at all is better.
If someone is asking "are you okay?" or "do you want to talk about what's going on?" First thing I do is question _"Why?"_
It doesn't matter if you're a stranger or my best friend, if I figure you're only asking because "That's the right thing to do", then chances are I will instantly snap and push you away. I don't like being pitied and even if it's not meant in that way, it will feel like that to me. However if I sense that you really are interested in what happened, and want to know for the pure fact of wanting to understand, then I'm usually more generous. If you pick the right time I'll even possibly open up a bit about what's wrong.
But that's just me. Sometimes I feel like with NT's in general you're better off not saying anything, just proving you're there for a reason. Actions can definitely speak louder than words in this case.


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## lumostartarus (Apr 1, 2014)

Help me solve my problem or tell me ways to.


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## The_Wanderer (Jun 13, 2013)

Speak the language of their second function. I.e. Te for IxTJs, Fi for ExFPs, Ti for ExTPs, etc.


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## MelodyGirl (Dec 18, 2010)

The_Wanderer said:


> Speak the language of their second function. I.e. Te for IxTJs, Fi for ExFPs, Ti for ExTPs, etc.


Can you explain this, and why?


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## RK LK (Sep 19, 2013)

TopCatLSD said:


> ISFP's are pretty easy, we tend to do things, rather than say things.
> 
> Just ask an ISFP to go for a walk, a joyride, or some other stupid shit.
> 
> I can't speak for all ISFP's, but I hate talking about me feelings, it's sort of an Fi thing.





oraphel said:


> How to comfort me? Don't. I enjoy wallowing in my sea of feels, it's fun!
> But when it gets to a point where I can't comfort myself, then words won't do much. Try hugging. If I'm shaking, hold me still. Get me a blanket. Or just tell me to calm the hell down.
> 
> But when all else fails, give me chocolate. Chocolate. CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!!


 I agree with the ISFPs above. Doing something or giving chocolate (or some other treat) are great ideas. Wallowing in my feelings is usually the way I do it also.

Also something that I think is really important is not to give too much advice to a depressed ISFP unless they are asking for some. A lot of times when they complain to someone they're just looking for validation for they're feelings. For example if an ISFP tells you that 'everything sucks' it's probably best to respond 'yea, everything _does _suck' or something like that. This we'll help us open up a lot more, knowing that it's 'safe' to talk about these things. The worst is when someone tells us we shouldn't feel how we're feeling. All bets are off after that. We already know were not suppose to feel this way, we're just telling you how it *is*. Maybe just the more 'emo' ISFPs are like this, but I think when we want someone to 'comfort' us we don't want someone to pull us out of the 'sea' of our emotions, we want someone to join us in the deep end. INFPs might be similar except they want their hopes and dreams to be validated be others, me thinks?


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## ScarlettHayden (Jun 8, 2012)

Well, a lot of the time I won't want comforting. I'll just withdraw, comfort myself, then be fine again. If I do want comforting though, usually just a hug, a listening ear, and some solid advice on how to move forward will work for me.


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## Qaellech (Dec 6, 2013)

"Comfort? Why not leave me alone! I'll be more comfortable that way." -ISTP 
This is the only thing that comes to mind... 
but of course, I'd most probably prefer to keep that to myself and rather retreat to some quiet place.


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## Syvelocin (Apr 4, 2014)

Touch is mine, whether when being comforted or in a relationship or whatever. Hug me, don't let go. Rub my back. Sometimes I'll withdraw and tell you to go away, but I almost never mean it. You should ignore that no matter what. If we talk, please don't give me advice. I'll ask if I want some, but it's best after I calm down. If I want to talk, just listen and validate my feelings. Brew me some mint green tea, make me laugh, and do something fun with me.


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## ScarlettHayden (Jun 8, 2012)

Paradigm said:


> With TJs, you might get better success if you talk about solutions over feelings.


It's better if people just don't talk at all. Most advice is already obvious to me, if not completely inane.


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