# Why don't people want to be asked why?



## snowbell (Apr 2, 2012)

Hi all :happy:. 

As above. I've found that the simple question can drive some people almost apoplectic, and I don't get it - surely explaining something or even saying you don't know why is going to be more helpful (at least to me) in helping me understand, rather than just "because I say so / because that's the way it is" (in harsher terms that is)???

Help from any xSxJ-s would be especially appreciated. 


@niss @Yardiff Bey @Out0fAmmo


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## Snow (Oct 19, 2010)

Why do you ask?


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## snowbell (Apr 2, 2012)

Revenant said:


> Why do you ask?


ICWYDT :laughing:. 

General experience, plus recent events. I keep running into this phenomenon, where if I am trying to learn something, or observing something, and ask why it is the way it is, they get upset, and it seems to be without explanation. Not all the time mind you, but often enough to arouse my attention and leave me seeking an answer. And the thing is, as I'd said, I learn best if I understand, but that understanding is predicated on me knowing how and why X situation is the way it is, so the question of why is essential. That, and it's not normally an offensive question - "why are you a Christian", for example, does touch on dangerous ground (politics/religion) but the answer doesn't have to be anywhere near dangerous, and by learning it you gain a new perspective on the person that you couldn't have gained had you not asked the question.


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## Out0fAmmo (Nov 30, 2010)

Could be any number of reasons, but the most common tend to be:

1) A full explanation would take too long.

2) It's a common question and people get tired of repeating themselves.

3) In certain contexts, it can imply a lack of trust; that the person being asked doesn't have good judgement, etc. (this applies more to authority figures being questioned on their decisions or rules)

4) Most people don't like to let on how ignorant they are on some things. It's just classic human pride.


There's no one answer to this, as the situation you're describing is highly contextual.


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## niss (Apr 25, 2010)

I agree with what Ammo posted.


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## Dashing (Sep 19, 2011)

You're forcing them to overcapacitate* their brains.

*I was pretty sure this was a word.


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## Draco Solaris (Apr 8, 2013)

Many possible reasons. Perhaps they don't have the time for a thorough explanation. Often it's because "why" can be interpreted as a challenge to their beliefs. They may reconsider, and discover that they were wrong, and people don't like being wrong. This is a very vague question and a proper answer would require consideration of every possible situation in which "why?" is a valid question, which, depending on the level of depth desired, could take a very long time.


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## Cetanu (Jan 20, 2012)

They aren't prepared to defend their dogma.


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## Delilah (Nov 11, 2012)

They don't know why. Thus; they don't want to look like stupid twats.


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## LadyO.W.BernieBro (Sep 4, 2010)

.


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## associative (Jul 1, 2013)

Existential terror.


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## Crimson Ash (May 16, 2012)

Ego. A lot of times the people who are reluctant to accept certain things or try and understand certain things do not wish to bring themselves down a peg so they would much rather cling to whatever misguided idea they have about a matter.

Ultimately it comes down to their sense of self and superiority, when accepting certain truths that they haven't before they are also treating themselves inferior and that is something quite a few people refuse to let happen.


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## angeleyes (Feb 20, 2013)

Because it tends to lead nowhere.


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## snowbell (Apr 2, 2012)

Thanks all! :happy:. 



Out0fAmmo said:


> Could be any number of reasons, but the most common tend to be:
> 
> 1) A full explanation would take too long.
> 
> ...


Yeah true... I'm thinking 3 and/or 4, but 2 and 1 are also really helpful. I just don't get why there has to be blustering and aggression in order to get you to back down from asking the question - almost as though you're attacking someone's sense of existence, even when it's something mundane. Honestly, I don't get it - the explanations make sense, mind you, but as to how come people get so frustrated, I don't know - maybe I'm not so concerned with ignorance? I mean, look at Socrates - 



> "I know one thing: that I know nothing"





Dashing said:


> You're forcing them to overcapacitate* their brains.
> 
> *I was pretty sure this was a word.


Hahaha... It should be :tongue:



Nezaros said:


> Many possible reasons. Perhaps they don't have the time for a thorough explanation. Often it's because "why" can be interpreted as a challenge to their beliefs. They may reconsider, and discover that they were wrong, and people don't like being wrong. This is a very vague question and a proper answer would require consideration of every possible situation in which "why?" is a valid question, which, depending on the level of depth desired, could take a very long time.


True, it is vague. But, how can you learn without being wrong? I can understand time being a constraint, though, but if it's something else then why get so mad? 



Cetanu said:


> They aren't prepared to defend their dogma.


Does that not insinuate that the dogma is being attacked? If so is there a way to kindly phrase the question so as to not have it appear offensive/accusatory?



Delilah said:


> They don't know why. Thus; they don't want to look like stupid twats.


Hahaha. 



UtterMess said:


> Ego. A lot of times the people who are reluctant to accept certain things or try and understand certain things do not wish to bring themselves down a peg so they would much rather cling to whatever misguided idea they have about a matter.
> 
> Ultimately it comes down to their sense of self and superiority, when accepting certain truths that they haven't before they are also treating themselves inferior and that is something quite a few people refuse to let happen.


That is indeed disappointing. Like, IMO at least there is no shame in not knowing, and we all start out not knowing a great many things, learning along the way. Surprising how the ego can be titillated so easily.


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## Bluity (Nov 12, 2012)

angeleyes said:


> Because it tends to lead nowhere.


This. If you ask why long enough you'll eventually reach "I don't know." And you're back to where you started.

Also, asking why could be seen as a challenge. They may feel you want them to justify their choice to you, that you didn't respect their first answer as valid. They may feel they answered it as best as they could and don't know what else to add, or that you just want to argue.

Or, they do not trust your intentions and feel you have some other agenda, like making them look foolish. Or their answer is very private and they don't want to share it with anyone.


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## snowbell (Apr 2, 2012)

Bluity said:


> This. If you ask why long enough you'll eventually reach "I don't know." And you're back to where you started.
> 
> Also, asking why could be seen as a challenge. They may feel you want them to justify their choice to you, that you didn't respect their first answer as valid. They may feel they answered it as best as they could and don't know what else to add, or that you just want to argue.
> 
> Or, they do not trust your intentions and feel you have some other agenda, like making them look foolish. Or their answer is very private and they don't want to share it with anyone.


I agree with your first point but with reservations, namely that I would usually only be asking one or two whys, not tunneling to constantly get to that point as an end-point. In that instance, you're usually not asking long enough to have the answer be "I don't know". Again, with the example question, it would seem to me that most people would have some reason why they follow Christianity, and it is that reason that is being sought (assuming there is one at least). 

So in other words, you can't ask why because they infer other things from it, rather than simply taking it for what it is (a desire to understand) and act on those? That's disappointing, to be honest.


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## StElmosDream (May 26, 2012)

Why not is a better question though...


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## Bluity (Nov 12, 2012)

snowbell said:


> I agree with your first point but with reservations, namely that I would usually only be asking one or two whys, not tunneling to constantly get to that point as an end-point.


But for some people the original answer they gave was the endpoint. They do not know if you're going to ask one why or five. For all you know, the answer to the second why would be the "I don't know" point.



> Again, with the example question, it would seem to me that most people would have some reason why they follow Christianity, and it is that reason that is being sought (assuming there is one at least).


Religion is one of those topics that is so talked about, so thoroughly and exhaustively discussed, so studied and fought about, that the average person probably doesn't want to go indepth with it, because they know how it's going to end. "Why are you a christian" can start a thought-provoking discussion...or it can break friendships, shake up families, or "just" lead to disagreements and confusion. It's a topic that is very hard to go deeply without someone's tempers flaring.



> So in other words, you can't ask why because they infer other things from it, rather than simply taking it for what it is (a desire to understand) and act on those?


You can ask all you want. I was only listing examples of why some people would have trouble with it. It's all contextual.


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## snowbell (Apr 2, 2012)

Bluity said:


> But for some people the original answer they gave was the endpoint. They do not know if you're going to ask one why or five. For all you know, the answer to the second why would be the "I don't know" point.
> 
> Religion is one of those topics that is so talked about, so thoroughly and exhaustively discussed, so studied and fought about, that the average person probably doesn't want to go indepth with it, because they know how it's going to end. "Why are you a christian" can start a though-provoking discussion...or it can break friendships, shake up families, or "just" lead to disagreements and confusion. It's a topic that is very hard to go deeply without someone's tempers flaring.
> 
> You can ask all you want. I was only listing examples of why some people would have trouble with it. It's all contextual.


Good points... Thanks again :happy:... 

And yes it is, hence why I chose it, because it clearly shows both extremes of the situation rather well.


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## Cetanu (Jan 20, 2012)

snowbell said:


> Does that not insinuate that the dogma is being attacked? If so is there a way to kindly phrase the question so as to not have it appear offensive/accusatory?


Not necessarily.

I understand what you mean though.

Just because something is being defended, doesn't mean it's being attacked. We can defend against questions, analysis, inspection and so on.

I really don't know how to question something dogmatic without pissing the person off. I think they are anger and defensiveness waiting to happen.


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## Tea Path (Sep 5, 2012)

@snowbell, your question is innocent enough, but people have different ways they like to be asked.

One of the ways I approach it is to give an explanation about why I'd like to know that shows the person that I'm genuinely interested in them, their beliefs, and my education on the topic without being confrontational. 
"Why?" alone can seem confrontational. try, "i'm exploring my thoughts and beliefs about religion,and I'd really like your help in it. Why are you religious, of this belief system, etc." 

Being interested not only in the knowledge, but the person has helped me learn so much more. Hope it helps.


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## Dauntless (Nov 3, 2010)

Perhaps, "Help me to understand what you are thinking...." versus "Why?" which might seem slightly demanding... at least, that is what came to my mind reading this thread.


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## Sir Monocle (Jan 8, 2011)

Sometimes people just don't feel like giving you a reason for why they believe a certain thing... or they are just too lazy to explain. I know I get annoyed when people ask me WHY all the time. Not because I cannot explain, but because sometimes they ask why for some of the most mundane things. Like: Why do you walk this way, why do you talk like that, why do you not do it this way, why did you do this, why do you think in that way.... sometimes it just gets annoying. Well, at least, for me, I don't like having to explain things that I don't want to to clueless people who live in a little bubble and don't understand anything beyond that.... well, I am just talking from one girl who I used to like but annoyed me as hell once I got to know her more. She coming from a rich background and me coming from a poor background. She just couldn't get her head around many things. To me it felt kind of like....(Why are you using a pencil instead of a pen kind of thing?)


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## Black_Sphinx (Jan 4, 2013)

As it seems it was already said before, just asking "why?" is a very direct approach, and many coul view it as agressive or impolite. Besides, if you ask something, it would be nice to hear your train of thought, so it would be known what kind of answer you expect.

If you ask: "Why are you a christian?", there are several answers, for example:

"Religion helps me to keep going"
"In times of need, speaking to god eases my pain"

In the end, both answers mean more or less the same and could come from the same person, but from slightly different points of view. And when simply asked "why", they are confused. 
This could be applied to other cases as well. "Why" is simply too vague.


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## Flipit (Nov 13, 2009)

snowbell said:


> Hi all :happy:.
> 
> As above. I've found that the simple question can drive some people almost apoplectic, and I don't get it - surely explaining something or even saying you don't know why is going to be more helpful (at least to me) in helping me understand, rather than just "because I say so / because that's the way it is" (in harsher terms that is)???
> 
> Help from any xSxJ-s would be especially appreciated.


Largely agree with @_Out0fAmmo_. Personality type, of course, has nothing to do with it :wink:

It depends on the context. If you genuinely want my input - and not just my view to reinforce your own - I'm usually happy to contribute. If my input, however, is discarded or extended with doubt, I'm prone to react with hostility. I mostly respond well-informed or from experience, and questioning that can easily come off as disrespectful.


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## EmileeArsenic (Jun 8, 2012)

"Why are you a Christian" is not a simple question. That's like asking "why do you believe in right and wrong?" In the eyes of someone who truly and completely believes something, being asked why they believe what they believe can easily be taken as "you're gullible to believe in something so silly." It's not the actual question that pisses me off, it's the implications behind it. 

Most of the time there is a lot going on besides the question, the body language, tone, what the asker knows of the subject, what the subject knows of the asker, past experiences with similar questions (this is a huge one for me, having Si as my dominant function) and where the conversation leads, etc etc etc. It's rare the actual question, which can appear innocent, is actually a single-faceted thing and taken at face value. 

Perhaps it's not the question you're asking that pisses people off, but the way you ask, and where they think/know this conversation is headed. If they're heavily pattern-driven, they might sense where the conversation is going and want to avoid this long-drawn-out awful experience, and if you keep pressing, whether out of malice or actual, legitimate curiosity, it'll piss them off.

If you're really curious, instead of asking what you think are direct questions, try circling the question in a round-about manner and gradually working up to that. Tact can take you a long, long way.


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## EmileeArsenic (Jun 8, 2012)

Tea Path said:


> @_snowbell_, your question is innocent enough, but people have different ways they like to be asked.
> 
> One of the ways I approach it is to give an explanation about why I'd like to know that shows the person that I'm genuinely interested in them, their beliefs, and my education on the topic without being confrontational.
> "Why?" alone can seem confrontational. try, "i'm exploring my thoughts and beliefs about religion,and I'd really like your help in it. Why are you religious, of this belief system, etc."
> ...


In my experience, with a lot of Christians, the word "religious/religion" is practically four lettered, even if that's actually what it is. 

"How did you come to be a Christian?" is the phrasing I've had most success with. From there, a few "Ok, I see, so, what about this denomination speaks to you?" and such questions can get the answers you seek without appearing challenging or threatening, which will just put people on edge and not want to cooperate with you. That, too, can backfire, if you ask the wrong way, but it's always been successful for me.


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## hailfire (Dec 16, 2012)

Along with many of the above responses, a person may show irritation at being asked why if to them the answer seems blatantly obvious or self-explanatory to them. It tends not to be a problem when it happens occasionally (or maybe for some it still is), but it might wear on someone's patience when they're dealing with someone who they think does it too often.


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