# Start of my story. Objective criticism please :)



## HollyGolightly (Aug 8, 2009)

This is the prologue. Rough draft but please tell me how I can improve 


*Prologue*
Time.
When your heart breaks there is nothing you can do but wait for time to heal you. You can try to speed up the process by temporarily patching yourself up and pretending that you are getting on with your life, but time is the more qualified doctor. You may feel like you are beyond repair but nobody is ever completely broken. There is always a part, however small, that remains intact and that part grows with time. It’s just recognising that part within you that’s the problem. It is pretty much impossible do it alone and be successful. We all need someone to find that part for us and help us mend. But finding that person takes time.

Time plays a part in everything. It’s the greatest healer and it makes us who we are, yet we loathe time. Maybe it’s because we are impatient or maybe it’s our inability to control it. Or maybe it’s because we are never satisfied by its amount. When we desperately want it to pass there is too much of it, yet when we want more of it there isn’t enough. 

Time. We all need time.

I’ve lived for five-hundred and thirty-four years yet I still need more time. More time to make up for my mistakes and more time to tell this story. It’s strange how you can never seem to know how to put your time to good purpose until you’re approaching the end. Suddenly there are so many things that you need to do and you’re angry with time for not being more flexible.

So all I can do is be more flexible for time. 

Many years ago I made a terrible mistake. I have lived hundreds of years with the guilt and the “what-ifs” and it has eaten me up and drained me of any self respect. I’m not sure why I did what I did and I don’t think I ever will be. I put it down to a lack of backbone but for some reason I don’t think that is the complete answer. I was also enticed by glory, reward, admiration and acceptance, all the things I had always craved. But I paid the price. 

I suppose the moral of this story is be grateful for what you have and don’t go looking for a better deal. The grass is never greener on the other side, so there is never a better deal because nothing is what it seems…


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## Sunless (Jul 30, 2009)

Is this only the start, or the complete story?


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## HollyGolightly (Aug 8, 2009)

It's the start. It's only the prologue


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## Selene (Aug 2, 2009)

Technical:
-"Fee" should be "feel" in the middle of the 2nd line of the 1st paragraph.
-"Out" should be "our" at the end of the 1st line of the 2nd paragraph
-Extra "I" at the end of the 1st line of the 2nd-to-last paragraph


Content-related:

Ignore any or all of these. This is just my own personal preference. It's your story! Write what feels right to you, and don't get too sucked into pleasing/impressing others. I wouldn't critique, but since you asked for it...just know that it isn't objective. It's colored by my own style.

-I'd be interested to see a couple more sentences of description of this "part" in the 1st paragraph, after the sentence: "There is always a part, however small, that remains intact and that part grows with time." Because this seems like the profound, crucial element in the psyche which is the key to your entire solution to the problem of coping with suffering. So, I want to know more about what that is!  How does this part remain stable? How do we recognize it?

-Kind of interested in more details also about the kind of person who is able to find this part in us and heals us. Do they approach us with more love than we approach ourselves, which allows them to find what we can't see?  I'm interested in how this healing process works.

-This sentence strikes me as true: "When we desperately want it to pass there is too much of it, yet when we want more of it there isn’t enough." But it would be nice if there was an explicit connection between that and what you talked about in the first paragraph. Like, being a bit more specific and saying that our experiences of longing/lacking/brokenness seem to last too long before we are healed, while our experiences of fullness/unity/wholeness seem to be far too short before we find ourselves disintegrated again. 

-I like the 2nd-to-last paragraph. Sort of ties into the story which you're about to tell, makes me want to learn more about this interesting, aged being who's made a terrible mistake and, despite all of his/her wisdom, still finds the experience too profoundly challenging to understand. 

-I personally think "The grass is never greener on the other side" is a bit of a cliché, and you could replace it with your own more personalized, unique expression of this same sentiment. 

Thanks for sharing your prologue! Now I kind of want to read the whole thing, when it's finished.


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## HollyGolightly (Aug 8, 2009)

Thanks Selene  Yeah I make far too many typing errors :S
Yeah I'll pad it out a bit more and add more explanation. I worry about explaining myself too much so I shortened a lot of it, but I'll definitely take that on board thank you very much


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## HollyGolightly (Aug 8, 2009)

I've corrected the typing errors 
The grass in never greener on the other side...I need to use my imagination there I agree. Maybe I should just cut that bit out? And as for explaining things more, I don't know if it will give the whole plot away too much. How you find that part in yourself that allows you to heal is kind of a major theme in the story and it is revealed later so I don't want to go into too much detail there, but I'll definitely add more description with the others parts you mentioned, I think it would tidy it up a bit more. And again Selene, thank you


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## Ninja (Jun 28, 2009)

I love you. Have my babies please. I'm sorry.


(perhaps change to )
The grass is never greener on the other side, because there is never a better deal and nothing is what it seems&#8230;


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## Selene (Aug 2, 2009)

Sure! You're the best judge of what you want it to turn out like.


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## HollyGolightly (Aug 8, 2009)

Yup that's better Ninja.
And yes, I'll have your babies


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## Bohemian (Aug 18, 2009)

I like it.
I can relate to it well.
I don't like criticising people, unless I don't like them, which isn't very often but, here goes.
Use more detail in what you're describing.
The last sentence where it says "We all need someone to find that part for us and help us mend. But finding that person takes time." You could, but this is just an idea, give traits of that someone that we all need.
And I also agree with Selene, instead of using "the grass is never greener on the other side" change it, personalise it, and make it your own.

Hope this helps


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