# How to get rid of a serious online stalker?



## Promethea (Aug 24, 2009)

Have any of you had to get a bit.. creative to get rid of a person who won't leave you alone online?

Firstly, I'll say that ignoring him doesn't help. I have gone months and months without saying anything in response to his ill-tempered and random attacks. He is across state lines, so its harder to pursue any legal action (I think). Hes not mentally stable, and hes not rational. Reasoning with him did not help. Hes fixated on me. 

Any ideas on how to get rid of something like this?


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## Everlea (Dec 30, 2010)

Uh oh.

Maybe if you find out why he is obsessed with you, or what it is about you that he is fixed on...you could go from there?
Hopefully this person does not know your IP address or your personal information in the meantime :S


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## Promethea (Aug 24, 2009)

I'm the only female who ever really showed him attention.. 

And my personal info, he knows a -ton- of it.


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## Sina (Oct 27, 2010)

I have an ex who has been stalking me for a while, and when I moved away he started to stalk me online. Same thing with mental instability (he is mentally ill)etc. It's best to contact the local police and their cyber-crime division or whatever it's called can handle it well. Cyber-stalking is illegal. I haven't taken stern measures yet, because I am traveling. If at all possible, take legal action. I have a friend who reported a guy that was stalking her from Ireland, she was in London at the time and effective measures were taken to resolve the issue. I am not sure if it's necessarily harder across state lines, but if it's becoming a nuisance and the stalking takes the form of ill-tempered and random attacks that have continued despite your avoidance of the dude, go ahead and report it.


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## sts06 (Aug 12, 2010)

My experience was a little different and so possibly not very helpful. In my case the girl was pursuing me around one site and I had to disable basically everything that would allow her to see where I went and what I did on that site. I was a moderator there and so had immediate access to the admins. They were very good, hired a cyberstalking expert, and got her off my back. She hasn't disappeared and has in fact only transferred the obsession to another staff member, but they have a lot of systems in place to deal with her and her new obsession is one of the admins so they have a lot more immediate access to ways of shutting her down.

I still make sure I use a different name on every site I go to just in case she decides to start up again, but the big thing for me in getting rid of her was to pass the buck upwards to the site admins. In my case, like yours, she knew a lot of personal information (the worrying stuff is about my kids) and she is mentally unstable and has made death threats to the site's admin. I am still cautious, but getting the cyberstalking information was very helpful and I did take it to my local police as well so there are records in case anything happens.


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## Everlea (Dec 30, 2010)

Alright, assuming that you've already made it very clear that stalking you is a big no-no, you give them one last warning telling them exactly what you will do if they do not cease and desist. If they choose to ignore your warning, something I would do is take a big pair of scissors, and cut them out of my life. Burn the bridge or stop giving them whatever you might be selling that appeals to them. If he likes that you're the only female who pays attention to him, make sure he knows you won't pay anymore attention to him -- but this doesn't mean ignoring him. Be cold if you have to. If you've already tried everything you could to be civilized about it, it's okay to use a little drastic measures...I think Hazelwitch's advice is a good resort.


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## sayalain (May 1, 2010)

i successfully get rid of my stalker using gay pictures. i just assume they're all straight and hope that it will freaked them out when they saw those pictures. well it works,for me.


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## sts06 (Aug 12, 2010)

Everlea said:


> If he likes that you're the only female who pays attention to him, make sure he knows you won't pay anymore attention to him -- but *this doesn't mean ignoring him. Be cold if you have to.*


Unfortunately for these types negative attention is still attention. I think to genuinely be rid of the person the best way is to block them entirely from all aspects of your online life that they have access to. Sometimes that means changing online identity but other times a simple thing like blocking them from seeing your profiles, posts, etc etc is all that's needed.

I inadvertently gave my stalker attention by noticing when she visted my profile - that site had a feature that showed the last 10 people to visit a profile and she liked seeing her name in my list. I had to disable that feature and the messaging feature and block her from all contact as well as go invisible before there was little enough response from me (and most of that wasn't even my responses but rather her feeling of being 'close' to me) for her to back away and actually follow the admins' request that she stop contacting me. So just being 'cold' isn't necessarily going to be enough. Cutting all ties and all means the person has to contact you is the best way to show a lack of attention. It was a massive pain because it blocked a lot of other people from seeing my profile but the restrictions were worth it to me.


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## Promethea (Aug 24, 2009)

sts06 said:


> Unfortunately for these types negative attention is still attention. I think to genuinely be rid of the person the best way is to block them entirely from all aspects of your online life that they have access to. Sometimes that means changing online identity but other times a simple thing like blocking them from seeing your profiles, posts, etc etc is all that's needed.
> 
> I inadvertently gave my stalker attention by noticing when she visted my profile - that site had a feature that showed the last 10 people to visit a profile and she liked seeing her name in my list. I had to disable that feature and the messaging feature and block her from all contact as well as go invisible before there was little enough response from me (and most of that wasn't even my responses but rather her feeling of being 'close' to me) for her to back away and actually follow the admins' request that she stop contacting me. So just being 'cold' isn't necessarily going to be enough. Cutting all ties and all means the person has to contact you is the best way to show a lack of attention. It was a massive pain because it blocked a lot of other people from seeing my profile but the restrictions were worth it to me.


Yes. This is where it gets a little bothersome for me. I relocated everything.. my online journal, my IM screen names.. and he still found me. When I found out he'd found my new livejournal I was just sick over it. I still don't know how he found it. Hes very committed to the cause.


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## Promethea (Aug 24, 2009)

I'll add that previous stalkers would tend to mellow out once I handled them by just letting them talk to me, then others would disappear simply if I'd ignored them. 

He is a "highly functioning autistic" person, and I am not saying anything bad about them at all. I am just going to point out that one of the issues that -some- of them have is fixating on a particular thing, or even particular person, and he has fixated on me unhealthily in this way. I have even asked his mother to please make him stop, but that only seems to work for a little while. 

Also, thank you all for your replies so far.


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## sts06 (Aug 12, 2010)

Promethea said:


> Yes. This is where it gets a little bothersome for me. I relocated everything.. my online journal, my IM screen names.. and he still found me. When I found out he'd found my new livejournal I was just sick over it. I still don't know how he found it. Hes very committed to the cause.


It is a lot harder when it is across the net rather than concentrated in one space. Do you have any record of the attacks he has been making on you? I don't know how good the livejournal people are at responding to these sorts of issues but you could try taking the evidence to them to get them to keep him away.

Other than that, is there a way to block him (I get the feeling there is going by some comments in some places saying that they have been banned from this that or the other journal) and if so you could do that. Also keeping then entries friends only for a while, screening all incoming comments and if possible blocking getting private messages and maybe banning anonymous commenting on your journal? Hopefully it would be less fun for him if he can't see himself and simply give up. 

One of the things I learned from the cyberstalking expert was that apparently if anyone at a site is being paid they have to keep people safe from cyberstalkers (staff at least because of the safe working environments thing, but hopefully they would extend that to include their users). If all else fails, try finding a cyberstalking expert and seeing what you can do from that PoV. If you know his mother, then maybe telling her you're thinking of going to the police and cyberstalking experts will make her a bit more proactive in keeping him away from you. She presumably won't want him to get into real legal trouble over this.


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## FairlyCalvinist (Jan 21, 2011)

I totally agree with STS06 on this. Though I've not had an online stalker, I've had a few in real life. I've realized that I have a tendency to downplay the whole thing, and it's not until it escalated to a scary point or I got the perspective of friends that I actually do something about it. It's not that I don't take it seriously, I just tend to think my own intuition is over-reacting--so dumb! Listen to your intuition! Anyway, it seems like you're a step ahead of that, as you're now taking it seriously.

I'm going to add one more thing--keep a record of what they say/do, with dates and other specifics. If you ever have to go to the police or some authority, it's _always_ good to be able to say "and he said this on this day, etc", and to be able to show them. With cyber-stalking, you can even take a screenshot of comments, then delete the actual comment (if it's public).

I'd also say be up-front the next time he contacts you inappropriately--tell him how inappropriate it is, very clearly. Leave no doubt on that. Then say what you will do if he contacts you again--e.g. police? which you _need_ to follow through on (no empty threats, b/c he'll learn that pretty quickly). And then don't ever msg/respond to him again. Any attn, even negative, is still attention.


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## Promethea (Aug 24, 2009)

sts06 said:


> It is a lot harder when it is across the net rather than concentrated in one space. Do you have any record of the attacks he has been making on you? I don't know how good the livejournal people are at responding to these sorts of issues but you could try taking the evidence to them to get them to keep him away.
> 
> Other than that, is there a way to block him (I get the feeling there is going by some comments in some places saying that they have been banned from this that or the other journal) and if so you could do that. Also keeping then entries friends only for a while, screening all incoming comments and if possible blocking getting private messages and maybe banning anonymous commenting on your journal? Hopefully it would be less fun for him if he can't see himself and simply give up.
> 
> One of the things I learned from the cyberstalking expert was that apparently if anyone at a site is being paid they have to keep people safe from cyberstalkers (staff at least because of the safe working environments thing, but hopefully they would extend that to include their users). If all else fails, try finding a cyberstalking expert and seeing what you can do from that PoV. If you know his mother, then maybe telling her you're thinking of going to the police and cyberstalking experts will make her a bit more proactive in keeping him away from you. She presumably won't want him to get into real legal trouble over this.


Thanks so much.. I didn't even know there were cyberstalking experts.


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## sts06 (Aug 12, 2010)

Promethea said:


> Thanks so much.. I didn't even know there were cyberstalking experts.


Yeah, I had no idea either. This was in 2008 so things could have changed a wee bit, but the expert (a lawyer with legal knowledge in the area, from memory) was based in the US and as the site was a US one it had to go by US law even though the stalker wasn't from the US and neither was I. 

The advice was to first make one, unambiguous 'leave me alone' statement and then never respond again, and after we did that the admins took over dealing with it so I don't know what came after that. Still, having the advice from someone knowledgeable in the area was really helpful and it will give you a series of things to do to advance it in the legal system. Even the threat of that may be helpful if he's responsive to that; otherwise, knowing your legal rights is really important.

Also, I agree with FairlyCalvinist about following through on any threats you make. You definitely don't want him to think you are all bark, no bite. So do the research, find who to go to and then tell him what you're going to do and do it if he keeps it up.

Good luck!


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## pinkrasputin (Apr 13, 2009)

I wrote you a pm with some thoughts. But I just wanted to add this thread that ignoring never works with stalkers. And you need to be direct and firm about your "no contact" in writing. 

Also, don't allow yourself to be manipulated by emotions and "caring" about them. This is about protecting you, it's not about "understanding" where they are coming from.


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## fn0rd (Mar 21, 2010)

I will fly to the west coast and cut that motherfucker.


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## OxidativeCleavage (Dec 27, 2010)

Do you know any of his personal information? If you do that might help you out a little bit. I've had some stalkers over the years - but the worst was a guy from my university that I TAed. 

Here's what happened with me: I hope it helps. 

At first the guy started sending me creepy emails from an unknown email account. I saved all of them and went to the cops but they basically didn't take me seriously the first few times. One of the cops actualy said to me "well it's probably some lonely loser that came across your facebook page - have you checked your privacy settings" 

I tried to explain to them that I don't use facebook - they didn't care. 

Eventually he started sending me emails with random details about my life that he only could have known if he was physically around me. When I took these emails to the cops they started taking me more seriously. It eventually escelated to him going through my desk when I wasn't at the lab and sending me emails about that or how I was wearing my hair or whatever. He would also IM me and ask me if I was in a bad mood today since I seemed sad and other batshit crazy stuff like that. 

At this point the cops were taking me very seriously and so was the school. This is what they told me to do:
- they said to save everything and send it to them - which I'd already been doing (this was especially important because if he had attacked me and I'd had to fight back in self-defense a record of contact with the police would have worked in my favor)
- they said to send him an email and firmly tell him to stop harassing me in writing (some others have already suggested this) you *have* to do it....

In my case eventually the guy fucked up and called my cell phone # and started harrassing me that way - which he got off the emergency contact list outside the door in my lab. He left me some pretty fucked up voice mails since I let it go the first few times he called me (in the hopes of gathering evidence to bust his ass). At this point he luckily crossed out of the realm of internet perve and straight into the realm of real life harrassment which both the cops and my school were able to act on via a restraining order and expulsion. 

Can you buy a temporary cell phone / sim card (like a prepay) in your area and leak the # on sites that you're visiting.. I don't know what of yours he has access to but if you could leak the number to him in some way and he starts to harrass you on that you might have a case so long as he gets it from some other source but you - like off one of your profiles or something. (You'll have to check your state laws thought I'm not sure if phone calls count as harrasment in all parts of the world) - I provided a link that might help with the state laws below.. 

Are you afraid for your safety? I wasn't at first but looking back on things now - especially after what the cops found when they picked him up - I should have been more concerned. 

If you've had any self defense classes that will help but I'm a black belt and I still prefer to have something that keeps distance between me and the would be attacker. I do a lot of volunteer work and when I'm in africa alone or on a flight to the middle of nowhere alone I always take with me my tippman TPX pepperball/rubber-bullet launcher. It's a new model - it's easy to use and it will put distance between you and your attacker if you need to buy yourself time. I also follow that up with a military grade tazer and if all else fails my CZ 40 handgun (if it's legal to carry it in the area I'm at) which is perfect for women as it is small and has little kick. 

this link might also help you: Cyberstalking, Cyberharassment and Cyberbullying Laws 
here are some links to the pepperballs and the tippman tpx:
- PepperBall - Non-Lethal Defense Systems
- Tippmann TPX - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

good luck and stay safe. even if he seems harmless I'd take him seriously - that could have been a huge mistake for me - but I got really lucky.


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## Capsicum (Mar 17, 2010)

> He is a "highly functioning autistic" person, and I am not saying anything bad about them at all. I am just going to point out that one of the issues that -some- of them have is fixating on a particular thing, or even particular person, and he has fixated on me unhealthily in this way. I have even asked his mother to please make him stop, but that only seems to work for a little while.


You aren't responsible for his actions or feelings in any way. I refuse to believe he can't see how offensive (and frightening!) his actions are. His mother seems to be tacitly allowing it (you said "only seems to work for a little while" which makes me think you've contacted his mother more than a few times), perhaps because of the autism and thinking he doesn't really mean it / that he should get special treatment.



> I'm the only female who ever really showed him attention.


Are you sure? This could just be what happens when any woman shows him interest, even if only as a friend or an acquaintance.

I do hope you get rid of this guy.


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## snail (Oct 13, 2008)

Is he someone I know?

I'm not sure how to deal with that sort of thing. I'm far more likely to be the stalker than the one being stalked, at least online. In real life, it can go either way.


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## OxidativeCleavage (Dec 27, 2010)

Capsicum said:


> You aren't responsible for his actions or feelings in any way. I refuse to believe he can't see how offensive (and frightening!) his actions are. His mother seems to be tacitly allowing it (you said "only seems to work for a little while" which makes me think you've contacted his mother more than a few times), perhaps because of the autism and thinking he doesn't really mean it / that he should get special treatment.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I agree - it's one thing when you get stalked by a guy that doesn't really know you... Maybe just a coworker or student or whatever... but if you've been friends with this guy for awhile and started to care about him he might try to use that against you and guilt trip you. 

Please do stay safe - it's so awful when lonely misguided people hurt innocent people that were just trying to help them out and be nice. 

I hope things improve for you. 
Best of luck..


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