# How can I stop pushing people away



## Broken

Hi.
I'm new here. I've just found this site and I think it's pretty cool. 
I'm hopping I can get some advice here.

So the thing is I keep pushing people away when they get too close, emotionally. I guess it's a pretty common thing that a lot of people do, but I've only just realized that I've been doing this my whole life. Not just in relationships but with friends and family too.

I've been thinking very long and hard about this tonight (its now 4am here) because I've just sabotaged another relationship by pushing away an amazing woman. I did this by cutting all contact with her when things were getting serious. This is the same thing I did a few months back with another women. Right when things get serious I find a reason to stop contact with them. I'm only now realizing this pattern and I've been doing it my whole life, with my friends and family too. If I hang out with a friend or group of friends or family members for too long I start thinking I'm spending too much time with them and decide to cut contact with them. Sometimes I cut contact for weeks at a time. I'm realizing now that this is why I have only a handful of close friends and why I've only ever had one really serious relationship.

I've been really thinking about this and if I'm honest with myself, I think it really does come from fear. The fear is different for each group but its the worst in relationships. It's not a fear of rejection its more like a fear of abandonment. I don't know why I get this, I've never been abandoned by anyone in my whole life. In fact the women I've pushed away probably end up feeling abandoned by me! I'm still friends with one of the women I've done this too and she has since told me that she thought I had suddenly lost all interest in her. 

How can I stop this? 
I'd really appreciate some advice. 
I guess at least now I'm aware I do this, so hopefully I can stop it in the future. 

Thanks.


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## Shiro

....I sometimes push people away too- however in my case this is because I think they're not able to comprehend the situation I'm in or will overreact and only respond with emotions I can't deal with nor fully understand. 

Maybe you just don't like the thought of having someone in your life whose disappearance would have an impact on you. Considering the relationship this might happened because you didn't want to trust her. Maybe you thought she might not be capable of understanding you or because you think she'll leave you behind sooner or later and simply don't trust in her.

...are you sure you've never been left by anyone or felt left behind? I ask this because it's unlikely that someone distrusts others without reasons.
To me you sound like someone who has been disappointed (maybe even due to too big expectations) or simply thinks people aren't dependable. That would explain why you seek many relationships without really trying to connect with anyone.

If you take the personality test other people who read this like me might be able to answer your question more precisely because the reasons for your behaviour strongly depend on how you feel or to be more specific if you can relate to the emotions of others or if feelings are somewhat foreign to you and therefore trigger this pattern.



To stop this:
At first tell me if I'm right, the way to stop this can change depending on the reason that triggers your behaviour.



> If I hang out with a friend or group of friends or family members for too long I start thinking I'm spending too much time with them and decide to cut contact with them.


For example: There are people who can be surrounded by people and feel lonely, because they're never satisfied with just one or two friendships and therefore usually need more friendships. The present friendships are in this case taken for granted, that means that they don't value them so highly if at all.


....try to describe where this thought comes from.


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## Broken

Thanks for your reply Shiro
I took the personality test, I am an INFJ Type 6 Enneagram



Shiro said:


> . Maybe you thought she might not be capable of understanding you or because you think she'll leave you behind sooner or later and simply don't trust in her.


I think you are right about me not trusting her. I remember at one point in the beginning I actually told her that I did trust her, and I was being honest about that. However over time I started to worry that she would just eventually leave me, even though she gave me no reason to think that. Some where along the way I stopped trusting her not to hurt me.

I have been cheated on in the past. I got over it a long time ago but maybe it did more damage then I realized.



Shiro said:


> If I hang out with a friend or group of friends or family members for too long I start thinking I'm spending too much time with them and decide to cut contact with them.
> ....try to describe where this thought comes from.


I've really been thinking about this...
When I'm with family or friends, even if we are having a great time, I tend to think that it just isn't enough. Like I'm missing something. It almost feels like an empty experience. If I hang out with these people or person long enough I start thinking that I should have more then this. So I start to cut contact with them, almost as a way to try and prove to them that I have more going on in my life than just them. 

I've never thought about this before.


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## Shiro

...in that case my advice is: Don't expect too much from the people around you. There are few people in this world you'll be able to have the relationship you seek for. Remember that people you like are not the same as the ones you probably want to stay with. Literally don't push it^^


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## Broken

Thanks for your advice Shiro it's been really helpful.

I think I do expect too much from the people around me. At least now that I know I do this I can try and change it. I don't want to be constantly pushing away the people I love. The only thing I get from doing it is a bunch of broken relationships and long lost friends. 

I feel more grateful now for the friends I have, that have stuck by me through the years, despite me constantly pushing them away when I feel we've "hung out enough". I realize as well that the only chance I'll ever have at a happy relationship is if I stop letting myself be overcome by a fear of losing them or being hurt by them, and push them away because of it. Its really crazy because what I get by pushing them away is exactly what I fear, I lose them and get hurt.

So thanks again for your advice. 
I see there are some similar posts on the forums so I think I'll check them out too


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## Vexilla Regis

I do the same thing. Sometimes it is just time to get out there and take a chance. There is a great quote about how it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all... Alexander Pope, I believe


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## Thalassa

It is really a major step that you even realize what you're doing. Now you should probably ask yourself why you do it. Basically it seems like the mentality of I'll hurt them before they can hurt me.

I have engaged in this behavior, not by abandoning people, but by becoming very verbally nasty with them if they start showing signs of hurting me.

For example, a few months ago, a guy made a series of comments to me in a matter of weeks that seemed like he was seriously negging me, and the last time he did it, I was actually feeling very happy and loving toward him, so I just felt like he was at that point just being emotionally abusive and cruel. It's like the feeling of having something nice, and having someone stomp on it. It's jarring, and especially when the person has been doing these things a lot. I'd also had some wine, so my inhibitions were down.

I cut him down verbally so harshly that for possibly maybe the second time in the entire time I knew him, I REALLY got to him. The things he said in response made me realize that I had really basically cut him in a place where it hurt. Of course, that was my intention. I wanted to hurt him like he was hurting me, and he's a harder person to "get to." The thing is, basically I was a child who broke my favorite toy in a temper tantrum. In my string of extraordinarily evil insults, I hit him in a place that perhaps I never had before. The only other time he expressed the kind of hurt and anger he did that night, was almost a year earlier and it wasn't as intentional, in fact I was taken aback at how defensive he was all of a sudden.

But this time I just broke him down systematically, not necessarily saying things that were true or I really felt, but things that I knew from knowing him that were real weak spots for him, that he would believe, and feel bad about. 

However, I felt that he had passive-aggressively been doing the same thing to me over a period of time, just spaced out and less intense. It's basically the equivalent of someone keeps poking you with a small stick over and over, and finally you snap and you bash them on the head with a 2x4. 

Anyway, totally lost this person. At first I felt justified in doing so, like it was the best thing for me, because his behavior toward me was passive-aggressively emotionally abusive...but then I realized, if I really loved this person, and know what his issues are, how does it really justify me in going out of my way to hurt him in a way that would really stick with him before he could hurt me more?

It doesn't. No one else's behavior, no matter how shitty, justifies me acting that way. However, it stems from a deep place of insecurity and defensiveness ...kind of like "kill before you get killed."

This is probably why you run away. You abandon rather than verbally annihilating, but it's the same sort of thing. It's not going to happen overnight that you get over it, because the fear and hurt you feel inside is very real, and it also requires setting boundaries about who you will trust to let in in the first place.


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## Broken

Mountain Climber said:


> I do the same thing. Sometimes it is just time to get out there and take a chance. There is a great quote about how it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all... Alexander Pope, I believe


Funny you should say that. I've been thinking of that quote a lot lately. I think its a great quote too.



fourtines said:


> It is really a major step that you even realize what you're doing. Now you should probably ask yourself why you do it. Basically it seems like the mentality of I'll hurt them before they can hurt me.


I actually do feel like I've made a major step. I just wish I didn't have to lose such a wonderful girl to make it. Hopefully realizing this character flaw of mine will help me become a better person later on. 

Its comforting to know that I'm not the only one that does this type of thing to people we are meant to care about. 

If you don't mind me commenting on your story. Maybe I can give you another point of view....

I think we are all guilty of sometimes crossing the line when we make fun of others, especially if its with someone we like or love. 
If I'm interested in a girl I really like to tease and make fun of her. Maybe your guy was the same. Maybe he thought he was just joking with you and didn't realize how his words hurt. 

But the other thing is, if you were someone special to him, even if you were only friends, then maybe he should of known where you draw the line. If he knew you well enough he should of realized he was getting close to crossing your line, and he should of known to stop. Some guys just don't see it. I've been guilty of that myself, in the past.

I duno if this helps at all...
Feel free to tell me if I've crossed the line and that its none of my business


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## Thalassa

@Broken...no ha ha you didn't cross a line, I wouldn't have shared this information if I would object to comments. He likes to tease and joke around, and we would go back and forth, but over the period of about a year and a half, he knew me well enough to know what would be mean to say to me...and I feel that he had increasingly started saying things that were actually personal and mean, not just the usual run-of-the-mill "u iz an emo ratard" it was really hurtful stuff that he really should have known better than to say, especially since it kept happening. It wasn't like one time and "oops I'm sorry" ...I also know him well enough to sense when his motives were playful versus being nasty and manipulative. 

But yes, it's possible that he thought I was being overly sensitive but it's more likely that he was being passive-aggressive for whatever reason. He seemed to be under the persistent delusion that my self-esteem was higher than it actually is, because I am more extroverted and expressive than he is, I think he took that for cockiness. There were earlier points where he had indicated this, and after our last major argument, he made some comment that I could "humble myself, to begin with" ...anyway, I apologized to him for my part in it, and that's all I can do. 

I still feel that his behavior was not "innocent" though it potentially came from a place of misunderstanding, it seemed more like his favored method of psychological control.


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## Broken

I know it sounds incredibly cliche but I think sometimes things happen for a reason.

That guy of yours may of been a great guy but would you really want someone in your life that treats you like that. Even if it was just jokingly at first, it turned into something nasty. It was probably for the best that you lost him (actually sounds more like you kicked him out) because what would the alternative of been. Allow him to keep treating you that way. Bottle up until you explode, and take it out on someone who really didn't deserve it. Don't you think you deserve better. Anyway you said that was a few months ago, and you sound like your well over it.

As for me, losing this girl might of been for the best, although it's hard to see that right now. If I hadn't lost her now I might not of realized how I keep pushing everyone I get close to away, and things could of turned out a lot worse. Perhaps someday I'll have another chance with her, and I'll be a better man for her, because of this. Or I could end up meeting someone even better and not abandon her when things get serious.


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## Broken

Just want to say thanks to you guys. You really did help me out on this one. 
Even just having a place where I can talk about this stuff helps a ton.


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## Einstein

Why would you want to stop pushing people away? I love getting rid of people, it's fun.


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## Broken

haha... it an't fun no more.


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## Shiro

> I actually do feel like I've made a major step.


I think so too. I actually was suprised that you responded the way you did- and realized it rather quickly. I'm used to people who dislike me for saying these things and keep denying them in order to protect themselves (and don't talk to me afterwards or are furious). I'm certain that you will be able to leave this behind for you have realized what's essential for changing.


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## Broken

@Shiro it would be pretty crazy of me to dislike you for giving me advice after I've asked for help on an advice forum.

I had been thinking pretty hard about this for a few hours before I posted on here. The last time I did this and sabotaged a relationship there was something else I could blame. But this time there was no one to blame but myself. I invented a reason to cut contact, without saying anything to the girl I was seeing. I started trying to figure out why I did that, that's when I realized that this was a recurring theme in my life. I do it to everyone. I wondered if I did this because I was afraid of something. I tried to be really honest with myself and find what I was afraid of. I was afraid that this girl would just leave me suddenly, without warning, as if deciding one day that she never liked or loved me in the first place. So I invented a reason to stop seeing and contacting her. I did to her exactly what I was afraid of happening to me. Crazy!

So basically by the time I posted here I was pretty much aware of my problem and open to advice fixing it. 
I don't want to be doom to repeat this my whole life. Maybe now I've finally learnt my lesson.


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## Shiro

....it wouldn't have been crazy, just irrational- I don't know much of your type or your personality so I guessed that it could be an outcome( I just know that this happens a lot when giving advice to an ESFP- only type besides the INTJ I really am informed about because I did research in order to find a solution to a problem, so I don't know which types are irrational [I'd guess that the extraverts and sensing, feeling people are the ones though)


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## Lumen Animae

Broken said:


> I was afraid that this girl would just leave me suddenly, without warning, as if deciding one day that she never liked or loved me in the first place.


Ironically my fear is the opposite, that I one day will realize that I never loved someone and just leave. Sometimes the fear of hurting someone can be just as strong as the fear of being hurt…


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## Broken

@Shiro I'm still totally new to the MBTI. At first I thought it was just some gimmick and it almost put me off posting here. But after looking into it I found that it's a real thing. I don't know if my open mindedness is the same for all INFJs but from what I've read about the type it describes my personalty and the way I think almost exactly. So maybe INFJs are just more willing to listen.

@Lumen Animae How do you deal with it? I wasn't even really aware I afraid of anything until I looked back and could see what I'd done. I guess all I can do is try to ignore it next time and try to reassure myself that it's just me being crazy, and not make decisions based on it.


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## Lumen Animae

Broken said:


> I guess all I can do is try to ignore it next time and try to reassure myself that it's just me being crazy, and not make decisions based on it.


Ignoring it isn’t the right way. Figuring out why one reacts this way and learning how to deal with the stressors that triggers it could be the key to dealing with it. I'm afraid I don't have a magic answer...


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## donkeybals

You should make friends with a lot of enfps. Those guys are relentless in bringing people together in a non invasive sort of way.


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## Broken

@Lumen Animae Thanks for your help. I guess it's just something I'll have to work on

@donkeybals I'm still busy reading about my own type lol I doubt I could even recognize an enfp. But I'm really fascinated by the different personality types. I had no idea such a thing even existed. I'm really keen to know more about the other types... so looks like I've got a lot of reading ahead of me haha


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## caramel_choctop

@Broken - yeah, I can relate. I've never abruptly cut anyone off, but I haven't really let myself get close to anyone.

Um. things that are (slowly, slowly) working for me (& they may not work for you: these are just my experiences). Like someone else said, it's not a magic formula and it's not amazing advice 'cause I'm basically doing the same thing as you are, but... yeah. It's something, I guess?

1) I'm learning to stop beating myself up over my mistakes/faults.
2) Ditto with constantly wishing I were different, being jealous of people and pining for things I don't have.
3) Generally keeping myself occupied with productive things (work, uni, exercise, poetry, reading, fanfic)
4) Eating healthier
5) Being part of online communities (even in places like LJ or PerC you can really make a difference)

Basically for me, it's finding something that will make me feel useful/valued/productive/happy.
Sorry, I know that sounds like a stupid laundry list for happiness, but, um, it's baby steps, I guess, to get rid of fear and stress and stop numbing yourself out. 

"At the end of the day you can focus on what's tearing you apart or what's holding you together" - I LOVE that quote. I'm not sure where it's from, but I recite it to myself and it makes me feel grateful for the little things.


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