# I'm kind of a recluse



## missushoney (May 16, 2011)

I've noticed that I enjoy spending time in my room when I'm alone and I prefer to be alone most of the time. Sometimes I have the idea to go out for a bite to eat or for shopping on my own but every time I do or every time I am about to go, I don't feel like it. I feel scared. My friends invite me out and I used to go out for a bit and enjoy myself but now I don't have the desire to. I thought that maybe I was lonely and that was why I didn't want to go out, but I really don't feel like being around people. I think it's more that I'm scared. I'm not sure exactly of what but I feel so much safer and relaxed in my room. I feel anxious and don't feel like driving or doing any of the things I'd planned to do when I go out. I just use the thought of coming back home soon to get me through whatever I'm doing.

I think truthfully that this isn't temporary and is more of my true self. When I first get to new places I explore with my friends for a bit and go out, but once I get used to it, my room is my sanctuary. 

I feel okay with this but everyone else I know says this is a problem and I have to force myself to do things. They usually call me a cat lady based on this and other "old lady" things that I do. Just wanting to know if others think I have a problem or if it's just the way some people are. I know that this will probably effect my career when it comes down to it and I am almost pondering choosing a job that allows me to stay in one spot instead of my dream job.


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## Razare (Apr 21, 2009)

@_missushoney_ - your profile said you're an INFJ... for INFJ's that behavior is somewhat normal, I think. If you were an extrovert, I'd say you have major issues, but INFJ's just aren't go out and do stuff types. We can, but in the end, we'd usually prefer to return to wherever we consider home.

As I was growing up, people would often imply that I was scared to do something... for many years, I thought that was it. As I got older, I realized that I don't like doing many new things... or more specifically, I will know in advance of doing something new whether I'll like it or not. I'll shoot down most people's idea of fun because it just isn't fun for me. I can imagine myself doing it, and I'll know whether I'll derive any enjoyment out of it without having to do it to find out.

The anxious feeling associated with that wasn't fear of the activity but fear of social pressure and conflict. Like if someone I know says I should go out drinking with them, I get anxious... not because I'm scared of going out and drinking, I've done it a hundred times before... I just don't want to go out drinking, and trying to tell a person that without having them perceive me as weird or create a conflict is what causes me anxiety.

I need social engagements to happen on terms I'm comfortable with too, so this precludes me from having fun in a lot of situations other people have fun in. This usually means very small groups or person to person communication.

Now, if you're genuinely scared to leave your home, then that's agoraphobia I do believe. Preferring to be at home and being scared of leaving it are two different things.

PS - I doubt you're a bigger recluse than me  ... yes I know, it's a strange thing to brag about.


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## missushoney (May 16, 2011)

@Razare Thanks for that. ^_^ Most of the people around me are extroverted and the introverts I know are married or have kids so they have excuses for why they don't want to go out or something. I think maybe you're right about knowing ahead of time. I do sometimes force myself to do something I know I don't wanna do because I think I'm just letting fear get the best of me, and then I realize that I was right about not wanting to go. I end up having a horrible time or something bad happens. Perhaps we can blame it a bit on ESP. I like to think that the weird feeling in my stomach is my intuition telling me not to do something because bad things are bound to happen and I should stay away. 

With this in mind I wonder if it's better to prefer someone like you who understands the need for being at home or someone who can help me get out of my shell and participate in the outside world more. The introverted type would be something I'm used to but we might end up spending our lives in our rooms. haha. But then the extroverted one would be a nice change, but maybe too much of a change and he would feel like I was holding him back. Oh well, I guess only time will tell.

Haha. Let's have a battle then to see who's more the recluse. I'll start:

I'll order Domino's every other day if it means I don't have to leave my room to buy food. I end up ordering enough for two days so they don't get weirded out by me ordering it every single day. They're probably already worried about me, but I like to put that one day in between just because. And since I don't have to call and can easily just order online, I'm all set. haha


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## Razare (Apr 21, 2009)

missushoney said:


> With this in mind I wonder if it's better to prefer someone like you who understands the need for being at home or someone who can help me get out of my shell and participate in the outside world more. The introverted type would be something I'm used to but we might end up spending our lives in our rooms. haha. But then the extroverted one would be a nice change, but maybe too much of a change and he would feel like I was holding him back. Oh well, I guess only time will tell.


Mmm.. last person I dated was an introvert, we spent a lot of time at home yes, but we also did a lot of things together. We'd go swimming... go see a movie, or go out to dinner. For me at least, it's just a lot more fun to hang out with one person that I enjoy than tagging along in a big crowd or doing something by myself.

Plus, introverts tend to pick activities that are less extroverted... like yes, we went swimming but we went to a place where there wasn't hardly anyone else there with us.



> Haha. Let's have a battle then to see who's more the recluse. I'll start:
> 
> I'll order Domino's every other day if it means I don't have to leave my room to buy food. I end up ordering enough for two days so they don't get weirded out by me ordering it every single day. They're probably already worried about me, but I like to put that one day in between just because. And since I don't have to call and can easily just order online, I'm all set. haha


That is bad. :O I probably would order out if I lived in a city.... I almost always get my food togo when I do get it, just because I'd rather eat in peace. Noisy bars and restaurants aren't my thing.

It's been over a year since I've gone to any gathering of people who weren't family, and it was a friend's wedding, so it was obligatory.

I'm also having a birthday party being thrown Tuesday by my ENFJ sister... it's for me and my mother, the thing is she started inviting her friends and she told me I could invite mine but I don't want to. This way, I can leave the party whenever I want and not feel guilty.


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## missushoney (May 16, 2011)

Razare said:


> Mmm.. last person I dated was an introvert, we spent a lot of time at home yes, but we also did a lot of things together. We'd go swimming... go see a movie, or go out to dinner. For me at least, it's just a lot more fun to hang out with one person that I enjoy than tagging along in a big crowd or doing something by myself.
> 
> Plus, introverts tend to pick activities that are less extroverted... like yes, we went swimming but we went to a place where there wasn't hardly anyone else there with us.
> 
> ...


Ah. That does make sense. I could just find someone who likes to go out when I do and likes to stay home when I do. 

I like to eat in peace as well. I usually get food and then look for a quiet secluded place to eat it, but somehow someone always decides to sit by me. This happens wherever I go usually so it makes me want to just go home. I feel like people are purposefully trying to bother me all the time. 

I feel annoyed when just being a tag along as well. I know it's partially because I could be doing 1000 things more fun than that but it's also because I feel ignored usually. People who like to be out and about all the time seem to like to hear themselves talk 24/7. When I try to get a word in they either bash it or dismiss it and continue talking about their life and how great they are. I am a very encouraging and helpful person so I find it even more rude than normal for people to let me lift them up and support what they have to say when all they do is put me down and make my life sound less important. I'm still a little bitter about a friend today: He was trying to make it a point that I'm stupid and he's smart because he studies a lot and get's 100's on his tests and knows more languages than I do (only because the two he knows are very similar) and I am silly and gullible and get confused on things a lot in class. Apparently if you're silly and get confused and are gullible, you're a complete numskull. Never mind the fact that we are here after having done the same training with the same job and that your smarts don't just come naturally but only when you study for hours everyday. Truthfully, I give credit where it is due. If someone is uber smart I'll let them know and probably be their little bunny rabbit always going to them for help. But this guy is at the same level as I and wants to act like he's better than I am. That's just ludicrous. I'm not sure of his type but I guess ESTP. Boy is it hard to deal with extroverted sensory people sometimes. 

Anyway, I'm the same! When I visit home I rarely tell my friends I'm there so I can stay in my house or go places with my family instead. Happy bday btw. =) Haha. It seems you're a Leo. My mom is also an introverted Leo so that's funny because I'm similar to her and now you too. I feel some research should be done on type and astrology sign.


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## Ace Face (Nov 13, 2011)

Hey, girl.  I tend to want to close myself off in my room. It is my favorite place, lol. I've found though, that if I stay in there for too long or spend too much time in there, my moods start to darken. It's perfectly healthy to make sure you're getting out of the house every couple of days or so whether it be to go for a walk or mow the lawn. Just get out a little and be a little active. Create a bit more a balance perhaps. And getting out doesn't mean you have to involve a friend  Good luck, hon!


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## Razare (Apr 21, 2009)

missushoney said:


> If someone is uber smart I'll let them know and probably be their little bunny rabbit always going to them for help. But this guy is at the same level as I and wants to act like he's better than I am. That's just ludicrous. I'm not sure of his type but I guess ESTP. Boy is it hard to deal with extroverted sensory people sometimes.


ESTP's are often sharp and smart, but what they're usually unwilling to do is Ni-perspective shifting. They'll be right on the facts, theory and implementation, but their weakness is taking a global approach that circumvents their whole train of thought. They may engage in an activity that in all actuality is pointless if a person would take a step back from the situation and assess it completely. Their quickness and ability to act manifests a natural weakness which exist in their blind-spot by virtue of who they are. Not saying it applies to all ESTP's, just perhaps the ones I've met. There are weaknesses to all types.

Sounds like you work in a nerdy environment, though!  If only I had followed through on my programming degree, I could be dealing with people just like that... truth be told, I got sick of them in college. I guess I didn't mind them asserting their intelligence, it just got annoying when their intelligence somehow precluded the notion that I had a working brain.



> Anyway, I'm the same! When I visit home I rarely tell my friends I'm there so I can stay in my house or go places with my family instead. Happy bday btw. =) Haha. It seems you're a Leo. My mom is also an introverted Leo so that's funny because I'm similar to her and now you too. I feel some research should be done on type and astrology sign.


Nah, I was born on the 20th, so I'm a Cancer... which is like bonus points on being a recluse.  But my mom is actually on the 29th, so she would be a Leo and an INFJ. Suits her too, she'll keep quiet until a situation she doesn't like has gone on too long, then she goes on the attack... and -everyone- gets out of her way.

Me, not so much, I work around obstacles. I really only go on the offensive when I'm put into a corner.


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## GROUNDED_ONE (May 23, 2012)

If staying home makes you happy, I say be the best homebody you can be. I love tbis thread, my sister and best friend are INFJs. This is so them.


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## missushoney (May 16, 2011)

Razare said:


> ESTP's are often sharp and smart, but what they're usually unwilling to do is Ni-perspective shifting. They'll be right on the facts, theory and implementation, but their weakness is taking a global approach that circumvents their whole train of thought. They may engage in an activity that in all actuality is pointless if a person would take a step back from the situation and assess it completely. Their quickness and ability to act manifests a natural weakness which exist in their blind-spot by virtue of who they are. Not saying it applies to all ESTP's, just perhaps the ones I've met. There are weaknesses to all types.
> 
> Sounds like you work in a nerdy environment, though!  If only I had followed through on my programming degree, I could be dealing with people just like that... truth be told, I got sick of them in college. I guess I didn't mind them asserting their intelligence, it just got annoying when their intelligence somehow precluded the notion that I had a working brain.
> 
> ...


Oh I guess I didn't think that you can be born on a different day than your party. -_- Haha. That's funny about your mom. My mom usually blows up right away when she gets upset. I'm more like your mom and let things go for a while until I get really upset and then I start attacking. I really try to hold this urge back though because I leave a lot of damage when I'm done and I feel bad about it because I hate conflict and everyone makes me out to be the bad guy. But I usually deal with things passive aggressively so people know what's happening but I don't have to do much about it.

Your description of ESTP sounds like him. He does end up doing things that seem stupid to me. I find it rather funny that most of the married people around seem to be intuitives and the single people who are looking, are always looking in the wrong places, or are so concerned with themselves that they have no room for anyone else. 

I don't mind a show of smarts when first meeting someone just to get an idea of who they are. There's this ENTJ that's my friend and he kind of lets people know right away that he can fluently speak 4 languages. (My career revolves around knowing languages) Some people find him cocky but once I got to know him I saw that he just wants people to respect him and not try to outdo him because he knows his stuff. He knows people always want to show off and he doesn't have time for it. Learning is more important to him than trying to let everyone know about what you know all the time. However, when challenged, he'll remind you again of his accomplishments. I find him a good tutor and advice giver. And I kind of like this attitude that NTJ's have about this sort of thing. It's more of show instead of tell.


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## Razare (Apr 21, 2009)

missushoney said:


> I really try to hold this urge back though because I leave a lot of damage when I'm done and I feel bad about it because I hate conflict and everyone makes me out to be the bad guy.


Yep, exactly... doesn't seem to apply to my mom, though.

Things have to be pretty serious for me to take that approach, but if I do, I get my way because I wont tolerate anything else. It's usually related to morality for me and has only happened once or twice in my adult life. Other than that, I'm easy-going and don't have a problem with most of the stuff people do.

It's been fun talking with you!


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## Flatlander (Feb 25, 2012)

missushoney said:


> I've noticed that I enjoy spending time in my room when I'm alone and I prefer to be alone most of the time. Sometimes I have the idea to go out for a bite to eat or for shopping on my own but every time I do or every time I am about to go, I don't feel like it. I feel scared. My friends invite me out and I used to go out for a bit and enjoy myself but now I don't have the desire to. I thought that maybe I was lonely and that was why I didn't want to go out, but I really don't feel like being around people. I think it's more that I'm scared. I'm not sure exactly of what but I feel so much safer and relaxed in my room. I feel anxious and don't feel like driving or doing any of the things I'd planned to do when I go out. I just use the thought of coming back home soon to get me through whatever I'm doing.
> 
> I think truthfully that this isn't temporary and is more of my true self. When I first get to new places I explore with my friends for a bit and go out, but once I get used to it, my room is my sanctuary.
> 
> I feel okay with this but everyone else I know says this is a problem and I have to force myself to do things. They usually call me a cat lady based on this and other "old lady" things that I do. Just wanting to know if others think I have a problem or if it's just the way some people are. I know that this will probably effect my career when it comes down to it and I am almost pondering choosing a job that allows me to stay in one spot instead of my dream job.


Is it pervasive - does it actually stop you from functioning as you need to in your life? If not, why change it? 

Out of curiosity, what is your dream job?


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## missushoney (May 16, 2011)

Flatlander said:


> Is it pervasive - does it actually stop you from functioning as you need to in your life? If not, why change it?
> 
> Out of curiosity, what is your dream job?


I've learned that when it gets extreme it's usually my way of dealing with stress, but for the most part it just keeps me from doing things that others would do easily like driving to the store or something. I'm not sure if it's laziness or the fact that I don't want to give up even an ounce of my time to do anything I don't want to do at the moment. I guess I don't really need to change it though, just find someone who likes going to the store for me. haha. ah, well i want to work for the govt.


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## Flatlander (Feb 25, 2012)

missushoney said:


> I've learned that when it gets extreme it's usually my way of dealing with stress, but for the most part it just keeps me from doing things that others would do easily like driving to the store or something. I'm not sure if it's laziness or the fact that I don't want to give up even an ounce of my time to do anything I don't want to do at the moment. I guess I don't really need to change it though, just find someone who likes going to the store for me. haha. ah, well i want to work for the govt.


I lump mundane things (going to the store, whatever else) with coming back from work/school, I go prepared with a list and get done fast. It's my own way around this conundrum, because I'm much the same and don't want to leave home to do things I don't want to do.

Otherwise, well.. I'll keep you in mind when I hear of servant robots on the market.  Or, there are grocery delivery services. It doesn't sound like a problem to me.


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