# That INFP/ENFP Relationship Thread



## Llyralen (Sep 4, 2017)

I’m hoping to make a long-term thread here. 
I think there are some of us here in INFP-ENFP relationships and even if you are not, maybe you will find the slight annoying differences funny. Mostly it will read like a Te-Si blooper gag-reel. 
Actually, my husband seemed exactly like me when it was just him and me together talking Fi-Ne, when other people weren’t around to showcase my extroversion and his introversion, but now we are starting to get more into Si and Te development, and I am starting to learn to appreciate our differences, and he and I are both finding it humorous. 

Anyone can participate, and I hope you do. 

I’m likely to use this almost like a relationship journal, I will predict. Along with whatever else you all want to talk about.


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## Llyralen (Sep 4, 2017)

That Patrick Rothfuss is a INFP with strong Si and the “I want a writing house” talk: 

So we are both writers, but he is actually writing. He and I are listening to Patrick Rothfuss’ second book together wh8le falling asleep, kind of. I have been saying Rothfuss is a INFP with a lot of Si development— loves the ramble about home and school. I keep wondering, “What is the point? His character has been talking to an Inn-keeper about cooking and playing the lute for the last 300 pages!” 
Husband says, “Does he write better than me?”
Me: “No! You have just as beautiful prose, but you actually have action and story arch. I guess people like the rambles? They are comforting and people can just bliss out? I don’t know, it’s annoying to me, but maybe it sells well to Si users? Maybe that’s what the critics love? The imaginative rambling prose?”
Him: “Is that what that is? Si, when he just goes on describing stuff? He doesn’t inter-connect things like I do. What type is George R.R. Martin?
Me: “ENTP. It’s Ne or Ni that means imagination. He has high Ne like me”
Him: “The ability to make up stuff about torture and incest? Do I have Ne? He sells best, I’m sure it’s from the show. Nothing’s happening but I’m still listening to Rothfuss and could only get half way through the first book of GOT. Lin-Manuel wants to make a tv series of The Name of the Wind.”
Me: “Why? So he can reminisce about monsters ‘Where Everybody Knows Your Name’? *singing from Cheers*? Well, if anyone can do it, Lin-Manuel can. I’d like to see Rothfuss on a video, I’m sure he looks like somebody who has been playing WoW for the last 10 years.
So we look up a video...to understand the next bit you only need to watch a bit of this: 
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=j61o_ow86j0&t=591s
Me:”Such strong Si in a INFP! Look at the room! It looks just like how you decorate. Lol. Look at him talking about the comforting things he needs to write. Look at that old keyboard!”
Husband:, “i need that. Not the keyboard, that’s kind of pretentious. I need a room where nobody bothers me. I would LOVE to have a writing-house! I get distracted and that would fix it! You have to treat writing like a full-time job.”
Me: “Did you see that “Do not enter” sign written on a paper on his door? You’d have to make it rich first.”
Husband:”I know that.”
Me: “Can’t we just de-clutter the office? And you can look out the window? And this can be your writing house.”
Husband:”Yeah, but wouldn’t it be cool to have a writing housejust for writing?”
Me: “I’m trying to be supportive, but I actually really hate the idea.”
Him:”Why?” 
Me: “Because you should be able to write anytime, anywhere, and in different places, but see your Si development means that you do things better if there is consistency, I guess, and you are actually writing and I am not really, so I should support you.”
Him: “ The idea of a sanctuary away from distractions really appeals to me.”
Me”I do my best work while trying to ignore distractions. Like radio blaring I can then ignore something so that I can do homework. Plus you know the extra expense is bothering me, plus you’d be away. It sounds lonely to me. I’d hate it.”
Him: “ It should be a little place close by. 2 room maybe. That green house down the road would be perfect”
Me: “You wouldn’t even want it to be a writing cabin in the forest? Could we have a writing RV maybe? RVs are so nice now and we could drive anywhere for trips.”
Him: “Nah, why are you thinking that? It’s like $10 bucks to the mile with those things.”
Me: “Because I’m trying to match your desire for a writer’s sanctuary with something that I’d like to do. I’ve kind of always wanted to just drive around to places in an RV. Linda showed me hers and it was so nice. Anyway, we should clean the office and you can write and look out the window and I can try not to bother you.”
Later at writer’s group, the group, who are all introverts, were absolutely enchanted by the idea of the writing-house. 

I need to deal with my dislike of Si... I don’t mind other’s using it, just I don’t want to— however, it does seem nice these days to reminisce...(or ramble like this) although I always think it’s annoying rather than comforting.... but to do things the same way each time? Kind of makes me sick to think about.


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## Llyralen (Sep 4, 2017)

We’ve been getting into enneagram which maps our potential problems much better than MBTI in relationships. My hubby is a 9 and I am a 7. The things Enneagram predicts might go wrong between these two is correct. (Namely we both hate conflict.) We feel like we are working through these now that we are armed with more info and have more clarity. 

My INFP sister just did something that bugged the crap out of me. People want me to make a game at our next family reunion (I guess) but didn’t want to play the same game as last year which I thought had been a huge success last year and I had worked hard at it and been proud of it and I had LOVED it. I’d gotten to know my nephews and nieces so much more. 

When they didn’t want to do it this year INFP and INTJ saying “We have nothing else to share.” then I couldn’t figure out if it hadn’t gone wrong last year and I’d been mistaken or what. My sister said “Don’t be insecure, just do a different game.” I’m like, if it were up to me I’d do Fear Factor, I’m trying to figure out what went wrong and figure out what people are willing to do and I don’t have to do one if they aren’t appreciated. I’m looking for honest feedback. 
She comes back with “I loved that game and it was the most memorable thing we did last year and I wanted to remember it so much that I kept a bunch of cards from it so I could remember it all, but it divulged too many of my mysteries. It took me to the edge of what I was willing to share with family and I don’t think I want to share more. “ 
Okay. “Don’t be insecure”. Pot calling the kettle...What was she thinking my motivation to make these is? I can take honest feedback, but I needed the feedback...and if I’m to tailor it to fit people I need to understand their willingness to do certain things. Otherwise they get Fear Factor and will be asked to eat worms and skydive. Well, luckily I got the feedback but had to push through to get it. It’s crazy to me that they didn’t see that them saying “No more of that game, do something else!” might not be confusing for me to hear and to figure out what they DO want. After all, I don’t have to do it. Maybe they don’t even know where I can take things, though. Or what seems doable for me in a game. That’s true— pretty out there might seem somewhat normal to me so I needed feedback. Lol.


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## Belledonna (Mar 7, 2018)

This will be quite short.

I have nothing to do so I decide to find out about friends perspective to me by using Enneagram!

Texts:

Me: Oi, free now?

Infp: Aye

Me: Can you help me with something?

Infp: If not too much. Yep.

Me: Sending link Enneagram descriptions.// Can you look over for me? Which is most likely me. I think you are some sort of 4 or 9. (I know my enneagram for quite sometimes, I just want to know what they think)

Infp: After a minute or two// For you, 5.

Me: In my head, Hmm!? What?!// Like 'Intj friend's name' hmm? The first time I read about 5 type, I thought of him.

Infp: Yep, you and him are very alike. I think 4 and 9 are quite like me though.

Me: Quite lean on 4, I think. 9 is too soft (IKR. I just said it according to superficial description from that website, and I genuinely believe he is 4w5)

Infp: Mmm.

Me: I was talking to some professionals in some Forums (you guys!!!!!) They said I look like 9 lean on 8 side. Or 8 wing 9. Is 8 really resembling me anyway.

Infp: A little

Me: Howwwww, do I ask too many questions....

Infp: It just ... You like taking care of people. But not spoiling them.

Me: Huh!?

Infp: It looks like Boss taking care of subordinates. Not imposing authority, not using much power. Not ... I am the rules thing but lean more on 5.

And a little so on.

My relationship with this Infp friend is not that close. But close enough, I think. Mostly, he is the one to talk first. I usually sit and listen, more likely. I respect his kind side and intelligence while he respects mine. Though at first I don't like him (I don't like very talkative people, generally) but he surprised me by his constant fearless approaches, no matter how much I intimidated him. He accepted me for who I really am and willing to learn from each other. So I opened to him and that's the good thing I did.

He really opens to eccentric knowledges. And I appreciate that. Because I can discuss theories with him hours long, along with other friends (Intj one and Infj one) It's rewarding though. But some conflict issues happen. I am not a fan of talking on phones. Much more prefer face-face or chatting. But he loves to suddenly call me and often while I'm doing things.... But we get over that. He is much more softer and kinder than me, outwardly. He expresses out kind and easy-going aura while I project out intense and cold one. He balanced me and Intj out.

He is one of some people that accept my weird worldview with ease. 

One problem of being only extrovert in a group, if I chat someone, it will be hours to days before they reply and some sudden barging in (calling) happen in unexpected time. This leaves me quite lonely sometimes though, but I understand their needs to be alone.

Oddly, all of them usually have more to speak than I do, most of the time.


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## HappyHeart (Aug 25, 2017)

I am not sure about enneagrams but the INFP and ENFP differences that I have noticed between myself and my husband seem to be the ones that were actually pointed out to me by fellow ENFPs! :wink:

I do like to go out and be active, social, do things just for the sake of doing things and exploring! I like to adventure and that means big and small adventures and experiencing everything I can with my senses. My hubby is more of a homebody (which is fine because it means that I go out and socialise with others while he does whatever he likes). We are always excited to be together though and never tire of each other. He doesn't want space from me and our favourite place seems to be cuddled up together. We miss each other when we are apart and we are always eager to be back together again. :heart:

To be honest, I can be more structured in the day to day living stuff but he will be more structured in coming up with new activities for us to try together. I soak it all up and let him take the lead that way because I love new things and experiencing them with him is the best! :heart: I wonder if that makes me passive? 

I am the extrovert BUT it honestly feels like he is better at keeping in touch with friends than I am! :shocked: And when he is put into social situations he has more stamina for it than I do! :tongue: I tend to do many social things on a much more frequent (although sorter time frame) basis BUT when we go out to socialise together HE is the one that has the patience and endurance when I am ready to go and snuggle him - he is still happy to socialise for a bit or at least remain polite and social long after I am! :tongue: I can be more abrupt in leaving whereas he will 'play nice'. 

Energy levels...I have more energy. Hands down. I can keep going and going and going when it comes to doing stuff. When he is travelling he can do the same but at home...not so much! :wink:

I love my INFP man and he is the BESTEST husband and my most wonderful and perfect soulmate. We just fit. We take care of each other and life is absolutely fantastic for us!


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## Llyralen (Sep 4, 2017)

@HappyHeart. My love note to mine: SO incredibly understood. SO safe emotionally. 
Actually, mine has like intense micro intuition on me. He will ask what's wrong before I have even acknowledged my mind has explored a worry. I ask him how he knows and he says the room just crackles, he doesn't even know how he knows. 

Oh, and there was a day early in our marriage that I didn't even realize that I had put my arm up so he could stroke the underside until he stroked my arm and I was like, "Oh yeah, that's why I moved my arm." Just-- all of it becomes so instinctual to feel as comfortable as I can possibly feel. 

But yeah... I have to learn about Si more so I can respect it when I see it. It is a total blind spot for me. He's starting to get my Te more too, actually. It's good. =) 
I'm so glad you're so happy too.
Do check the Enneagram stuff out. It has some helpful tips.


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## Iamtheman25 (May 29, 2018)

This thread is in infancy(I will be back) when it picks up some fire..looks good though.. also I have to check ennegram(inside my mind- that's what you said last time hmm, yeah, I will check it soon....don't know....will check it...)


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## Princess and the INFP (Jul 24, 2018)

My sister is an ENFP. She can be shy at times, but I think this has more to do with her age. It's mainly around adult strangers--she's 18. She has so many friends and has no trouble making them. I have zero friends as of right now and struggled making them in school and even when I had some, I never could open up to them or felt like they truly understood me. She doesn't ultimately care what people think, but her fickle nature and obsession with trends and not being 'lame' would make you think otherwise. She can drop a crappy friend in a second(and she has). For me, it's almost impossible to really care what people think, in the way that I change my behavior or my interests to match theirs, but I do care internally. When I meet new people, I wonder what they could be to me and get disappointed when I realize they don't think of me that much/at all. For years, I had this neutral expression that I think people interpreted as apathy or disinterest. But I was just shy. My sister is also more random in conversation. She says what she wants with very little decorum. I can too, but not as much as her. She and I can get on each other's nerves. I told her once, that sometimes I'm Shrek and she's Donkey, and other times I'm Donkey and she's Shrek. She'll pester me with loud noises or bug me to watch some ridiculous, mildly funny vine video and I'll bug her by trying to get her to reflect with me on things I feel suddenly nostalgic about or weird thoughts I have, to which she'll usually say: 'lame'. We can both get very sensitive and lash out when we feel judged or criticized. We can both be messy(She, more so). This kind of goes back to the whole Shrek and Donkey thing, but it's almost like, our frequencies don't always match. They hardly do. But when they do, it's like we're really close again.


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## Llyralen (Sep 4, 2017)

@Princess and the INFP. Shrek and donkey... lol. Are you the older or younger one? As a young ENFP I really really hated nostalgia. It made me feel sad and almost nauseous in some ways. So that’s inferior Si versus your tertiary Si. 
Also she probably does care what people think but likely in a different way than most types, I guess.


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## Paterson (May 15, 2018)

@Llyralen. Writing houses are magical places. Many writers have had a writing shed or hut. https://www.apartmenttherapy.com/famous-small-offthegrid-worksp-140587

If you have a backyard, a pre-fab shed is cheaper solution than buying a house (and it's closer to home). And if that's not feasible either, most everyone can create their own bliss station. https://austinkleon.com/?s=bliss+station


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## Llyralen (Sep 4, 2017)

@Paterson. OH! Well now I get it. These is enchanting... plus half of those writer’s are ENFPs who I love... Twain and Joseph Campbell, anyway. I’m not sure what Dahl is... 
I just didn’t like the idea of a whole house just down the street— felt wasteful... and lonely... but these are darling! I love the idea of the turn table. I love natural light. 
Thank you!


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## Don Draper (Apr 16, 2013)

After 4 years, I broke up with my girlfriend on Sunday. I've done so many hours of reading, research, journaling and meditating trying to figure out why I felt the way I did. I took a PTSD test a couple of weeks ago and tested off the charts high for trauma bonds, trauma blocking and trauma repitition...and everything finally started to make sense once I started doing research on those specific areas.

She is a beautiful soul with a lot of hurt from childhood, it was pretty horrific. And she has this incredible soft side she doesn't share with the rest of the world. I told her as much last night when I ended things, I told her if it was just her and I then it would be perfect. But sadly, it is not. She has this really hard exterior and comes off as a bitch a lot of times, I think it is a shield to protect herself. And she would just wallop me with her shield and crush me at times. I couldn't take the emotional abuse from her public persona any longer. She would cut me down in public and disrespect me...usually when I would least expect it and when I couldn't really remove myself from the situation. I also never learned how to stand up for myself and how to set strong boundaries. My mother told me a couple of days ago that I was never allowed to say no as a child...and my dad would lay heavy guilt trips on me. That combined with 9 years at a Catholic school had me feeling pretty damn guilty. My girlfriend would do the same...guilt trip me just for being me or for something I didn't even actually do. She was gas-lighting me in an attempt to minimize the abuse or create a narrative that it was actually my fault. I'd try to explain myself and she wouldn't show me any understanding or would dismiss my feelings all together...exactly like my mother did. The difficult part was, she is extremely charasmatic and made strong allies with my family and close friends. When we ended things I told her that all I ever really wanted was for her to treat me with the same respect and kindness she showed to my close friends and family. It floored me that someone could do both the most generous things anyone had ever done for me and the most cruel things anyone had ever done to me.

So when I read about trauma bonds, the light bulb came on and I knew I could not go on in this relationship any longer. I didn't feel comfortable in public with her, I was to the point where I was always on edge. I wouldn't have felt comfortable at our own wedding if we had ever gotten to that point. I was literally re-enacting the trauma bonds from my childhood with her and indulging in some bad habits to block the pain.

So now I have to heal myself and sort through some of my issues so I can have healthy relationships moving forward. I'm halfway through the book The Betrayal Bond, and the exercises in there have been really helpful and enlightening. I'm pretty emotionally exhausted from the past couple of weeks. From the last couple of years actually.

It is nice to have some clarity and realize that the emotional abuse I was going through is not normal and not okay. I also have to accept my part in this and it is good to realize that I can't change her, the only thing I can change is removing myself from the situation. 

I tried to end things in person with her twice before, and I would get caught up in the emotion and empty promises. Like I said, I have a really hard time saying no and standing up for myself. I packed my things and went to a hotel with a letter for her on our bed. She called and we spoke for about 30 minutes, she tried really hard to reel me back in and love bomb me. I held my ground and said no firmly and resolutely. I know it is what I want and what is best for me in order to heal wounded inner child. At the end I told her I was going to change my facebook relationship status in 20-30 minutes before bed (to give her some time to change her picture or change her status). Then came the nastiness..."well, you were always quick to change your facebook status (referring to me changing my status to "in a relationship" with her before she had a chance to notify other guys she had been hooking up with), but never quick to change your picture" (referring to her not being in my profile picture).

She text me in the morning and appologized for the comment. I think she has gotten better at recognizing her own behaviour over the years, but I don't think she will ever completely change. I can't trust her not to hurt my heart any longer.

I know she doesn't want to accept the extent of the abuse or the fact that it is the reason I ended the relationship. 

She text me yesterday asking if it was about another girl. I told her no and she said she was still trying to wrap her head around this. She is desperate for answers, when the answer is right in front of her in part of the letter I wrote her and she won't accept it:

"If you are confused and searching for answers: think back on all of the times I came to you feeling hurt and tried to express my feelings, and think about what it is you did that hurt me. I do believe you are a good person and have a good heart. I’m thankful to have gotten to experience your soft side that you rarely show to the rest of the world. I also believe over the course of your life you have learned some behaviours that have had a profoundly negative effect on me during our relationship and at times have cut me to my core. All I ever really wanted was for you to treat me with the same respect and kindness that you showed to my close friends and family. You would have never cut them down or betrayed them in the ways you have with me. "

There's a chance she is a narcissist, but maybe she just has a really hurt inner-child of her own and I play a role in her own trauma bonds.

Maybe someone else has some insight on the INFP-ENFP dynamics at play here. It is far from my mind at the moment. I think our negative relationship issues ended up being more about trauma than anything MBTI related.


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## Llyralen (Sep 4, 2017)

@Don Draper. I’m glad you wrote this. I hope it’s helpful to talk about. 

I don’t know if this helps, but actually my husband and I have been able to turn things around pretty recently. It was actually a really good counselor with Enneagram training that helped. We were in bad habits going a direction that I couldn’t stand anymore that I think started 15 years ago and got worse from stress, but we’ve built some habits to help. My husband is a 9, meaning he has a tendency to want to always be a peace maker and put his needs on the back burner and then he kind of disassociates and becomes less “present”. Me, I’m a 7 who wants to be super present and adventurous and I hate conflicts too, but I hate not moving forward worse. The 9 is great for support but not when he wasn’t respecting himself as an equal present partner. Since he wasn’t engaged with his own dreams and instead was zoning out with tv and too much sleep and depression it was making it super hard on me to continue to build the life I wanted to without him really present. He would never respond clearly when I asked him what he wanted all the time. 

This counselor has been teaching him to address conflicts with me. I think he’s surprised about how well I respond— but it’s what I wanted. I want his input. I needed him to lean in. She is also teaching him to hold me accountable and I am being so because before when I was the one who had to be in charge of everything, if I changed my mind or something I wasn’t challenged on it— it was like he didn’t really care where I was leading us. He seems more present. So it took us both deciding to work on addressing conflicts and on ourselves. And it took us shifting to make more room for his role in our relationship. Him to decide he is important enough to have an agenda and me to respond to this brand new person who wasn’t there before. He still doesn’t have much of an agenda worked out... but he will get there.

I don’t know if this is what’s up for you or what type you are but many ENFPs are 7s and many INFPs are 9s, but the Enneagram stuff pretty much predicts these habits that couples get into that can ruin them... check out 9 and 7 on this website.... and kind of what to do about it. 

https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/the-enneagram-type-combinations/


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## Don Draper (Apr 16, 2013)

That was a really good read, thanks for sharing. I could definitely related to quite a bit of that.


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## Llyralen (Sep 4, 2017)

@ everyone. @Don Draper. @chad86tsi

This is the Enneagram test that I like. I like it because it’s visual and I get the same results each time, where the other ones I’m all over the place. After this then you use the Enneagram Institute stuff on relationships. 
http://app.trueself.io/home/(enneagram-test:enneagram/questions)?testName=enneagramv2


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## Row (Apr 28, 2018)

Llyralen said:


> @ everyone. @Don Draper. @chad86tsi
> 
> This is the Enneagram test that I like. I like it because it’s visual and I get the same results each time, where the other ones I’m all over the place. After this then you use the Enneagram Institute stuff on relationships.
> http://app.trueself.io/home/(enneagram-test:enneagram/questions)?testName=enneagramv2


Thanks for the test, it was fun. Not sure about the results though, according to it I'm type 7 and I think that's just because I'm in a great mood and am feeling a bit more extroverted than usual. But I usually type as 4 or 9. I'll have to think about this haha.

As for the thread, I dated an ENFP for a month or two, the problems I had were:
-Surprisingly enough she was a poor communicator.
-She wanted to date an introvert (well the idea she had of an introvert) but she couldn't stand my need for space (and sadly didn't communicate this properly). 
As for the positive points: she was warm and affectionate, bubbly and charming and high energy. 

I later found out she was in a long distance relationship with another guy since before we started dating and I had been the side dude. So in retrospect, kind of a bad experience.

But I think with two mature people it's a good combo.


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## Llyralen (Sep 4, 2017)

Today is my 15th year Wedding anniversary. We both had to work, unfortunately (we planned a 10 day vacation for it though that we are able to get off of work for in October) , but we met for lunch at our favorite restaurant with a view to die for. We talked about how we were probably deflowering each other about that same time 15 years ago. Lol we talked about our great love for our town that we moved to as our dream. We talked about how we still love it so much and that we’ve made our life how we want it. My husband read to me the latest 6 pages of his novel. I commented on that this is pretty much exactly what I wanted when we got married. We were drawn to each other as writers. That he wanted to be a writer was the first thing he told me when we met and I dreamed of a life where we could share our passion for writing with each other. On the book shelf behind me are notebooks with the love poems we wrote each while dating. We decided we have created the life we wanted. And there so many financial struggles in your early life together...but if your communication and love is strong then you can get through and build what you want. 

Earlier @ROM you were saying this could be a good match between mature people. I don’t know if I knew how much either of us would have to rely on our third functions and boy are we just so much alike! But I will tell you this...after feeling this deep of a love and understanding and connection there is no way I would ever be able to turn my back on him ever ever. And me coming home to him or him coming home to me is the funnest thing. I’m always like, “I get to talk to my husband! Yay!” And with the adjustments we’ve made this year for each other, we are stronger than ever. I actually think it’s sweeter knowing that there are things to work on and that we both choose to and we both choose to grow and forgive each other’s weaknesses— that’s sweeter than saying there was never any problems. It’s more mature. Everyone here is trying to find their perfect match...I don’t know if there is a perfect match as much as there is a drive to grow and adapt for each other. Jung said like types actually have to grow the most to fill in for skills that aren’t their natural...but relationships are our strength so our similarities, understanding, and our mutual interests have been a source of comfort and strength.


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## Don Draper (Apr 16, 2013)

Congrats @Llyralen !


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## Row (Apr 28, 2018)

Llyralen said:


> Today is my 15th year Wedding anniversary. We both had to work, unfortunately (we planned a 10 day vacation for it though that we are able to get off of work for in October) , but we met for lunch at our favorite restaurant with a view to die for. We talked about how we were probably deflowering each other about that same time 15 years ago. Lol we talked about our great love for our town that we moved to as our dream. We talked about how we still love it so much and that we’ve made our life how we want it. My husband read to me the latest 6 pages of his novel. I commented on that this is pretty much exactly what I wanted when we got married. We were drawn to each other as writers. That he wanted to be a writer was the first thing he told me when we met and I dreamed of a life where we could share our passion for writing with each other. On the book shelf behind me are notebooks with the love poems we wrote each while dating. We decided we have created the life we wanted. And there so many financial struggles in your early life together...but if your communication and love is strong then you can get through and build what you want.
> 
> Earlier @ROM you were saying this could be a good match between mature people. I don’t know if I knew how much either of us would have to rely on our third functions and boy are we just so much alike! But I will tell you this...after feeling this deep of a love and understanding and connection there is no way I would ever be able to turn my back on him ever ever. And me coming home to him or him coming home to me is the funnest thing. I’m always like, “I get to talk to my husband! Yay!” And with the adjustments we’ve made this year for each other, we are stronger than ever. I actually think it’s sweeter knowing that there are things to work on and that we both choose to and we both choose to grow and forgive each other’s weaknesses— that’s sweeter than saying there was never any problems. It’s more mature. Everyone here is trying to find their perfect match...I don’t know if there is a perfect match as much as there is a drive to grow and adapt for each other. Jung said like types actually have to grow the most to fill in for skills that aren’t their natural...but relationships are our strength so our similarities, understanding, and our mutual interests have been a source of comfort and strength.


Congratulations on your anniversary and on working to make things work, clearly it was worth it! I completely agree with your second paragraph. I think both types are capable of loving so intensely (not saying other types aren't though) that it can be enough to make things work and being able to draw from your mutual interests is a huge boost for love. I don't want to rephrase what you just said so I'll stop here haha.

Also I wanted to say that your writing style is so soothing and sweet, I really appreciate your posts!


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## Llyralen (Sep 4, 2017)

Row said:


> Congratulations on your anniversary and on working to make things work, clearly it was worth it! I completely agree with your second paragraph. I think both types are capable of loving so intensely (not saying other types aren't though) that it can be enough to make things work and being able to draw from your mutual interests is a huge boost for love. I don't want to rephrase what you just said so I'll stop here haha.
> 
> Also I wanted to say that your writing style is so soothing and sweet, I really appreciate your posts!


Well I really appreciate you telling me so! Maybe I'll actually go write something! =) /hugs


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## Princess and the INFP (Jul 24, 2018)

I'm older by a measly 3 years. But I'm pretty much a hermit and she's all up to date on what other kids our age are into. It's almost like she's embarrassed for me that I want to talk about these weird things(generally things we watched or did as kids) and not interested in what's happening now or what's about to happen. I know she does care somewhat what people think, but she would never admit it, even to herself.


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## Llyralen (Sep 4, 2017)

Princess and the INFP said:


> I'm older by a measly 3 years. But I'm pretty much a hermit and she's all up to date on what other kids our age are into. It's almost like she's embarrassed for me that I want to talk about these weird things(generally things we watched or did as kids) and not interested in what's happening now or what's about to happen. I know she does care somewhat what people think, but she would never admit it, even to herself.


Looking back it was tough to see us sisters pulling away and getting different interests. It’s going to happen, though. In my case I’m also the older sister (It goes elder INTJ brother, me, INFP sister, INTP youngest sister). As the one who is used to doing the sharing, it’s hard when they start to block that kind of. 


* *




Actually I am the one with the widest music tastes with an emphasis on loving the (imo) quality really eclectic. But I’d share my eclectic tastes with my sister and at around age 16 she started hoarding my mixed tapes in her room and not wanting to talk music with me even though I was the one to introduce her and I continued to amass music and got in a band and basically my sisters were along for the ride for a long time. They had crushes on the band guys I hung out with, etc. But since the INFP fiercely did not want this to be the case, she started making fun of my other interests, made fun of me in the band, said I couldn’t sing, shouldn’t be up there, did some body shaming, that’s like the tip of the iceberg. Everything was wrong with me, even anything that made me happy. 

My sister turning on me is one of the most painful things to ever happen to me. I felt like I had taken on the role of emotional mothering from a young age, since my mom is kind of narcissistic. I had to get therapy about my sisters and no therapist I met really understood. Who I had thought I was— basically my role in life had been my sister’s care taking older sister. I loved my sisters more than anything else and sacrificed for them constantly. I felt like I was a nothing. I thought I was the biggest looser and looking back I had basically been fired from my job. The INFP started manipulating the INTP and that is still very much going on today. If the INTP has an opportunity the INFP pulls her back. The INTP is maybe barely starting to stand her ground in good things for her, but mostly the INFP makes you feel ashamed of...pretty much everything. 

I think it is normally hard with sisters becoming their own person even without everything I just told you about my personal life. If they feel competitive then it can get worse (I was seen as the pretty one, and that made everything 10x worse). 2 people don’t have to feel the competition, only 1....so what I’m saying is... in the thick of this it can be awful. Really tough. Hopefully it won’t get that far for you. Hopefully it can be a lot more gentle and healthy. If I had to give myself advice, I’d say pull back and give space. In my case, I was seriously worried about my sister and was trying hard to help until she went to another state and was actually homeless but wouldn’t allow help and decided to not let us know where she was mostly. She would stare for hours at her nose alone in her room every single day until she decided to move out. I’m not joking...it was horrible body dismorphia and depression. Wow, you can see how this just ruined me and rightfully at the time... it took me several years to get over this and move forward in who I was. I was going to uni through all this. I remember several finals where I could hardly study because I was so worried one of my sisters was going to commit suicide. Yeah...it took me a few years to separate myself from this and move forward in my own life with any clarity. I’d been focusing on what I was doing wrong, what had gone wrong and had no answer. Even now my INFP sister just says it was fun to watch me crumble every time she hurt me and that the problem was that I was such a gullible sponge that I just soaked it up...so....okay....I still love them a lot but my love for my sisters is not who I am like it was from age 3 to age 24. It’s only been the last few years that they have been able to bond with me again at all anyway. 
I am probably going to erase this later...actually, I will make it a spoiler. Definitely nobody understood what I was going through at that age.


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## Princess and the INFP (Jul 24, 2018)

Wow, thanks for sharing that part of your life. We were also raised by a narcissistic parent, our father. I think that really makes things muddled as far as figuring out if a behavior is an INFP/ ENFP thing or are we just f**ed up from our atypical, abusive childhood. We've been getting along much better though. And I think finding Myers Briggs has helped me realize that it's okay that we're different. Her being more social and knowledgeable about trends doesn't make her better than me and vice versa; me, being fascinated by things like film and nerdy stuff doesn't make me better than her. We're just different. We both still have issues, but I'm definitely more optimistic about the future than I have been before. I hope things go well with you and your siblings. Boundaries are definitely important. You sound like a really terrific older sister. The worst I've dealt with my kid sister is her kleptomania and pathological lying about it after. Guess which parent she gets that from?


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## Llyralen (Sep 4, 2017)

Princess and the INFP said:


> The worst I've dealt with my kid sister is her kleptomania and pathological lying about it after. Guess which parent she gets that from?


That seems like enough to go through, actually. lol
Thank you for your response. I appreciate the sympathy very much. =)


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## Llyralen (Sep 4, 2017)

ENFP: "Did you hear me talk about all of those examples and they were interesting, right? I had to keep tying the concepts together for her or else she kept wanting to shut me down. I had to keep saying, ' The reason I'm bringing these things up is X". You never do that to me, I don't think. Thank you for not doing that to me. Thank you for not shutting me down. I hate being shut down."
INFP: "No. I let you explore. But you've got to come to some decisions sometimes."
ENFP: "Like what?"
INFP: "Like what shampoo to buy. It doesn't really matter and you take forever."
ENFP: "But I just want to smell all the bottles and read the back of everything. I know. It's just shampoo. How my hair smells seems important, though."


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## Llyralen (Sep 4, 2017)

I call my husband to tell him stuff while I'm driving home from a conference.

Me: I just stopped at the biggest dive of a used book store ever. I think it was on the Rez. But it was huge. Nothing was alphabetized, so you just had to look through everything. The carpet was like PATCHED. Like there were carpet swatches over the top of carpet and it was dirty, but I still down and read. 

Husband: That's really gross, why did you sit down?

Me: Because I wanted to read, and there are mold spots on some of these books. Then I got a little scared because the bookstore was called "Jim's Bookstore" and I hadn't seen anyone and I was worried Jim would come out and be this scary guy and there I am alone on the floor reading. 

My husband: And why is Jim compelled to have this bookstore since he cares so much about books?

Me: Right. I don't know. But instead this cute little tiny Indian woman comes out and she doesn't know a thing about books. I know because I asked her where the Newberys were and her eyes just glazed over, so I asked about young adult fiction and she took me to the children's stuff. But she was so cute and I had to help her figure out the card reader and we had a good time together. I got a bunch of books for the kids. 

Husband: Because that's just what we need is more books! 

Me: I knew you would say that. But I think the kids have shelf-space. 

Husband: No. We don't need more books. Why would the kids need more? Self-space? 

Me: Shelf-space. They have room on their bookshelves. 

Husband: Well that's what I care about is that we have space for them. 

Me: Well they have some shelf space and I'm thinking right now that the books you read when you were younger are probably the most important of your life. But I know I need to go through ours and get rid of ones we don't read. (*This will likely not happen, btw until there is some reason to make me and he knows it.*)
This drive is SO pretty. The light is coming through the trees and it's so gorgeous on this drive, there's fog up above and you can see all this orange light from the sunset passing through the fog. 

Husband: Where are you? Are you on a dirt road going nowhere?

Me: Not this time. I know where I'm going this time. 

Husband: What are we going to do with you? Will you be home soon? You want to go out?

Me: Yep! I'm in the mood for clam chowder. 

Husband: That's exactly what I wanted. Clam chowder.


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## gioh (Nov 2, 2010)

I've been dating an ENFP for most of this year. He's very in the border of I/E and F/T (typed as INFP when he took the test, but there is NO way that man isn't a Ne dom, lol).

So far, it's been pretty easy being together. From the first time I met him, I felt super comfortable around him. I felt really comfortable being ridiculously silly (which I adore being), which isn't something I feel like I can be around most people. We're both very laid-back, have similar values, and similar interests. He's also really, really good to me. Gives me endless affection, pays attention to my dreams, and I've never had someone do so much for me (but he says it's no big deal and that he likes doing stuff for me). I love his creativity, his intellectual curiosity and open-mindedness, his generosity, and his fun-loving nature. He says he loves my sensitivity, kindness, and passionate nature. 

Okay, now for the problem  Well, it's not a big deal right now, but I worry about the future for this. It's that we both have trouble talking about our deeper feelings. Yet I crave intense emotional connection. I thought it would deepen as we got further along in our relationship, but still, I wish it was more. I really want to talk intensely with him about my hopes and dreams and fears, and all that kind of conversation, but we don't really do this, at least in the sense of being very vulnerable. We both need to work on being vulnerable with each other, but I guess neither of us has really taken the plunge. Maybe if I manage to be more vulnerable, he'll follow after me.

Edit: I'm 4w5 and I'm pretty sure he's a 7w6.


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## Llyralen (Sep 4, 2017)

gioh said:


> I've been dating an ENFP for most of this year. He's very in the border of I/E and F/T (typed as INFP when he took the test, but there is NO way that man isn't a Ne dom, lol).
> 
> So far, it's been pretty easy being together. From the first time I met him, I felt super comfortable around him. I felt really comfortable being ridiculously silly (which I adore being), which isn't something I feel like I can be around most people. We're both very laid-back, have similar values, and similar interests. He's also really, really good to me. Gives me endless affection, pays attention to my dreams, and I've never had someone do so much for me (but he says it's no big deal and that he likes doing stuff for me). I love his creativity, his intellectual curiosity and open-mindedness, his generosity, and his fun-loving nature. He says he loves my sensitivity, kindness, and passionate nature.
> 
> ...


Hmm, I'm not sure since I am usually the instigator of intense emotional connection and I'm not exactly sure how that works for a ENFP male and I'm not sure how that works with a INFP 4. Some of this is probably instinctual variant. I did read an article the other day that was saying instinctual variant might be the most important thing in a relationship. That sx needs sx, they did have a "sx/sp CAN make due with sp/sx. Otherwise they were saying so needs so and sx/so can really only be with sx/so and all sorts of doom and gloom that says I'm not getting my craving met!!! Whatever. Love gets us through stuff. 
My real advice is to take the plunge just like you said and see what happens. =)


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## Llyralen (Sep 4, 2017)

IINFP male ENFP female... a case study. It actually makes me want to go hug my cute husband more. And she DID have such an ENFP hard time committing. I'm the morning person, though...






P.S. My husband always leaves the bread bag open..... lol


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## Llyralen (Sep 4, 2017)

"They say opposites attract, but that might not be the case for us, we're actually very similar." Paraphrase.


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