# ENFp and INFp Friendship problems... Advice please



## Dania (Oct 31, 2009)

I dunno what to do this is depressing me!!
I have this good male friend who is an INFp and loves to lock everything up inside, and take the blame for everything.
I think i am the only one who he talks to about his feelings, not near everything nor every time but still. 

I am confused right now about what he is going thru. I hurt him really bad I know.
You see since the Haiti earthquake he has been saying that he is going to volunteer and go over there. and I was discouraging him because he isn't even trained or prepared to witness all that pain. Anyway, even though he knew i hated that he keep making jokes that he is soon leaving etc and it pissed me off so i flipped on him and started quarreling that if he is looking to put that sh*t on his resume its not worth it. Well that his a nerve. This was Sunday and i spoke to him that night and we apologized and everything seemed good. 

Well since school began on Monday and he didnt come so i gave him some timetable info and he told me that he was leaving for Haiti on Friday, i just brushed him off and said i mind that anymore and got back to the convo about school.
From tuesday until yesterday he said nothing to me. Thursday he grinned (weird) and said goodmorning.. that frightened me so when i replied i guess my face was awkward :/. i dunno, if he was gonna talk to me after that, it changed after he said that, he didnt come to school today but i know he is not gone to Haiti.

What could i do to get him happy again? i have decided to ignore it and wait until he comes around... is that a good decision? should i confront him? i dunno if he is still angry with me, or if this is depression... i dunno why he would grin to me after not talking to me for days.. i dont get him? :sad: and its just annoying me now cause i cant figure out what to do.


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## amanda32 (Jul 23, 2009)

Well, I'd just keep being friendly to him.
He probably didn't talk to you for a few days because he was still angry/hurt/insulted.
He probably grinned, because he doesn't want to fight with you, it's hard for INFP's to stay mad, and he didn't want to hurt your feelings by NOT smiling at you.
To me his behaviour makes perfect sense: He's angry deep down about it and he is not ready to be friends and all chummy with you again (because that would be fake), so he's avoiding you.
If you yelled at him and said he wasn't "capable" of doing sth. he wanted to do (esp. the yelling -- VERY disrespectful in our books) you insulted his core.
The fact that you spoke and he said "everything is fine" tells me:
1. he wants to still be your friend
or. 
2. He's just saying that to stop arguing with you but really, he's emotionally withdrawing from you.

It could be both.
It could be temporary.

I think, if you want to make things okay with him again: you're going to have to suck up a *lot*.
I'm talking a small, meaningful gift (not expensive, but sth. that you know he likes or symbolizes your friendship) , and a long talk in person where you explain yourself and offer him a chance to explain himself.
But, if he's avoiding you...I might want to give him some time to cool off first...


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## spifffo (Jan 21, 2010)

amanda32 said:


> Well, I'd just keep being friendly to him.
> He probably didn't talk to you for a few days because he was still angry/hurt/insulted.
> He probably grinned, because he doesn't want to fight with you, it's hard for INFP's to stay mad, and he didn't want to hurt your feelings by NOT smiling at you.
> To me his behaviour makes perfect sense: He's angry deep down about it and he is not ready to be friends and all chummy with you again (because that would be fake), so he's avoiding you.
> ...


Sounds like solid advice to me.

Try to really make clear where you were coming from in not wanting him to go to Haiti, why the prospect made you so upset...I feel like that specific argument is probably part of a bigger issue with both the guy and your friendship. If he saw helping Haiti as this wonderful new sense of purpose and way to express himself, he may have taken your discouragement as a personal attack, like he wasn't "good enough" to help--he may have felt you were insulting him, pointing to personal flaws that with which he's already uncomfortable. So, I'd say the best thing you could do is give him a bit of space, and use that time to really put your thoughts in order and find the most encouraging, empowering way to express them to him--but still honest. Then talk to him, give him a chance to explain why you hurt him, and make sure you get a chance to explain yourself too.


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## Mutatio NOmenis (Jun 22, 2009)

Not to be cruel, but, you're talking about socionics types with the way you're doing the types, and, put this in the advice and help forum.


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## amanda32 (Jul 23, 2009)

I think putting it in the 'NF thread was fine.
Perhaps, she wanted to get specific advice from "NF's and not...say...'NT's...
In other words -- mind your own business.


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## Mutatio NOmenis (Jun 22, 2009)

*Shoots amanda.* It's not like the forum is strictly NF.


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## PeacePassion (Jun 9, 2009)

it seems to me that what may have really offended him was you second guessing his intentions- accusing him of wanting to help only to put so on his resume, when he probably really cares and wishes there was something he could do to really help. 

it sounds like he'll get over it even if he needs a little space, maybe it would help if you acknowledge that you admire his intentions, his caring and wanting to do something about it, even if for various reasons you don't encourage him to actually go over there (the points you mentioned in that regard are very valid I think).


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## amanda32 (Jul 23, 2009)

Mutatio NOmenis said:


> Not to be cruel, but, you're talking about socionics types with the way you're doing the types, and, put this in the advice and help forum.



You SHOT me???
You MUST be American.
Peace Brother.


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## Cielnoir (Aug 30, 2009)

I can relate to this because me and one of my oldest friends who is an ENFP used to quarrel all the time. I remember he'd always make me feel bad about myself or discourage me, and I know he was always joking, but it would always leave me feel disheartened. Every time it happened I would tell myself that I wouldn't ever speak to him again and that everything would change from then on, but he'd always come back and talk to me as if everything was normal, and I eventually came to accept it and move on, forgiving him.

My advice is to give him a bit of time to himself, then approach him in the friendly manner you usually would. If you make him feel as though everything's back to normal, and that you're cool with him, then he'll eventually forgive him. Be nice to him, it's extremely difficult for an INFP to be angry with someone who's nice, especially when they're close.


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