# What is the best way to encourage a male ENTP?



## Katya (Aug 15, 2012)

So...I am a female INFJ and I know what works best for me when I need encouragement and my spirits lifted, but I realize it must work very different for guy ENTPs. 

I have a very close ENTP guy friend I care for alot that has been under alot of stress and is putting alot of pressure on himself because of school and finances. He is in his undergrad right now working his way towards eventually becoming a doctor/surgeon. Due to some unfortunate circumstances, he is behind in his schooling (he's 24) and getting a late start on working his way towards becoming a surgeon. He is putting alot of pressure on himself to get straight A's, and while in school, he is working full-time 12-hr shifts as a nurse at the hospital so he can pay off past school loans and other crucial things, like school tuition. He currently lives at home with his mom, who is not supportive of him at all and gets on his case all the time (big stressor!). We are hoping to get an apartment sometime next summer, so that should hopefully help some. He has moments where I see him get overwhelmed, and a few times holding back tears. At the same time, another stressor and big concern for him is that with all this focus on school and work, which is a priority for him, he is afraid he won't ever find a partner in the next 6 years or so. Guys his age where we live that are gay are more into just sex and experiencing new "people" constantly, whereas my friend would like to have a real relationship. Not saying there's no one out there, but it's hard to find. I told him that maybe he will find someone in med school or in his residency...no one can predict when they'll find someone. He also wants kids and he says gay men don't want kids once they are in their 30's and up, but I tend to think that is not necessarily the case. 

For the most part, he is a very in the moment, here-and-now, kind of guy, but every now and then I can tell that he is getting overwhelmed and thinking morbidly about the future and everything that is ahead of him. He is really good at holding back that emotional side, but when I see him like that, part of my INFJ side takes charge and tries to get him to open up and share how he is feeling because I so badly want to understand and help him. I try to encourage him as best as I can, but I know he is the only one who can get himself out of thinking negatively about the future. I care for him so much and it hurts to see him struggle, especially since he has dealt with so much in his life. He knows I am there for him and I try to encourage him the best I know how, but is there any practical approach that would work best with him? I would appreciate any thoughts and advice.


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## MegaTuxRacer (Sep 7, 2011)

I have been though a situation with many analogous characteristics. First thing is that I think he craves intimacy of any kind, and he associates this with romance. In actuality, he needs some kind of positive intimacy in his life. You can provide that. I am not talking about dating and sex. I am talking about hugs and quality time and snuggling. He needs someone to be safe with in order to face all of those things in his life that aren't safe.

Second, tell him that you know he is going through a lot and that if he wants to he can talk to you in order to vent. Validate his feelings. I don't quite know how you are going to get him to open up, but he really needs to.


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## Katya (Aug 15, 2012)

I appreciate your input MegaTuxRacer. You are right on when you say "he craves intimacy," especially romantically. I am just curious on how you figured he craves intimacy of any kind and associates it with romance? He desires a relationship in his life for sure, but doesn't feel he has time for it...even though I know if someone he was really interested in came along, he would probably seriously consider it. I definitely have been providing that positive intimacy you speak of. I see how I have become more of a support for him than just a social buddy to hang out with since we have been spending so much time together. He is able to vent to me and during those few moments of vulneralbility it is a struggle b/c you can tell he is dealing with alot of pain and fear but he fights to push back the tears and pain. It might seem silly to some, but I told him he should allow himself to have those moments to feel the pain and whatever he is dealing with, not suppress it, and just cry. He said he doesn't have time to take those moments, but I think he may just be afraid it might overwhelm him too much. I have tried to let him know I am there for him, especially if he needs a shoulder to cry on, but I am just not sure what he thinks when I tell him that cause he doesn't say anything. Even though he has opened up to me alot already, I can see him opening up to me more in the future...it just takes time. Thanks again for your input! It validated that I need to just keep doing what I've been doing!


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