# Extreme introverts: How do you manage?



## SVALP

Ever since I started taking the MBTI tests over a year algo, I've gotten almost a 100% in introversion versus extroversion. For as long as I can remember, I've needed insane amounts of alone time. I enjoy the social interaction (in fact, I need it) when it's meaningful to me in some sort of way, but generally speaking, I can survive for long periods of times with almost no socializing at all, and without feeling depressed (as long as I still feel I have someone I can count on, of course). Crowds and noise annoy me to no end, I can't stand them. I can't stand being in groups of people either. One-on-one conversations are my thing; even hanging with a group of 3 other people is already "too many people" for me.

Suffice to say, this has made difficult for me getting the small doses of socializing that I do require. After all, I still like to think I am a healthy human being, and as such, I need people; just less than most people. In a society where it's almost an obligation to keep in touch with your friends and acquaintances on at least a weekly basis if you hope to keep such friendships, I've found myself losing friends over and over again throughout my life. I wonder, are there any other introverts like me out there? From what I've seen, even other introverts tend to seek way more social interaction than I do. If there are other extreme introverts such as me around here, how do you manage? How do you satisfy your inherent need for socializing every now and then, while still getting the alone time that you require? Have you been able to form close, meaningful and lasting relationships with people, while still being true to your introverted nature?


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## android654

If it helps, I'm in the same boat. Perhaps seeking friends that are introverted aswell might help?


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## Blue Butterfly

I am just like you described. I can and have gone for weeks without human contact and be just fine with it. The problem come up when people want mare socializing that I want. I do lose a lot of friends like that. When I withdraw they think I don't like them anymore and then will not associate with me afterward. That part makes it hard. But then I do find a few people that seem to at least tolerate my need to be alone and will continue to be friends. These are the ones I appropriate most.

I have learned throughout the years that to be mentally and emotionally healthy I need this time to myself. I have tried the "Normal" socializing and that drains me to no end. Then I end up saying or doing something that ends the friendships anyway. So I find it better for me to live me hermit life the way I need to for my health. Then if my "friends" don't like it they can just go away. I take care of me first from now on.


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## Nancynobullets

I sympathise Hurting. Right now I am living at a residential college. I feel as if I am "trapped", surrounded by other people. Recently I have been taking steps in order to defend my mental well being. For example, instead of going down to the canteen I have occasionly been snacking/taking out instead. The fact people come up to me and demand an explanation for my absence after these meals demonstrates my point. 

It is curious that many introverts at my college seem to meet these social expectations. One lady, who I have much love for, has repeatedly approached me to talk as she is concerned over my little absences. Because she is friendly and understanding, I explained to her my true reasons, that I am an introvert, and I need to introvert in order to save energy. 
She listened, but she didnt seem to understand, she told me that in my life I would have to interact with people lots, so it is beneficial to develop my social skills now. She explained that humans are social animals. That humans need to socialise in order to function.

I am too tired of these silly arguments to refute them anymore. 

*Sigh*


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## Blue Butterfly

Nancynobullets said:


> I sympathise Hurting. Right now I am living at a residential college. I feel as if I am "trapped", surrounded by other people. Recently I have been taking steps in order to defend my mental well being. For example, instead of going down to the canteen I have occasionly been snacking/taking out instead. The fact people come up to me and demand an explanation for my absence after these meals demonstrates my point.
> 
> It is curious that many introverts at my college seem to meet these social expectations. One lady, who I have much love for, has repeatedly approached me to talk as she is concerned over my little absences. Because she is friendly and understanding, I explained to her my true reasons, that I am an introvert, and I need to introvert in order to save energy.
> She listened, but she didnt seem to understand, she told me that in my life I would have to interact with people lots, so it is beneficial to develop my social skills now. She explained that humans are social animals. That humans need to socialise in order to function.
> 
> I am too tired of these silly arguments to refute them anymore.
> 
> *Sigh*


It seems like your lady friend is an extrovert and don't understand introverts. In my younger years they used to say that to me too. As I got older (I am now 46) I learned that I just could not be like the extroverts for very long periods of time. They get energy from others and think that we do too and introverts just don't get our energy the same way was extroverts. You will eventually find a balance.


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## Nancynobullets

I changed my signature in honour of this thread.


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## windex

I think it gets easier over time to stay in bouts of withdrawal. I've gone several weeks without that much contact with others and been fine. The thing about the people who stop talking to you if you don't talk to them all the time is they aren't your real friends anyway. I have a bunch of friends I can pick up with every 6 months and are fine with it. They kind of like the unexpectedness. The ENP types are great for this sort of thing because they get bored with people quickly and they move on to others so it works nice to have a few of them to reconnect with. It's neat how their extraversion causes them to disconnect from people while the introverts need to withdrawal causes them to do the same causing this understanding based on opposites. I also try to warm people up I haven't seen in a while by making a few jokes about life and what's been going on and I always talk to them like I had been the whole time anyway. It's easy enough. I find the other type of people who hold my withdrawals against me too clingy anyway so it works out well.


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## feral babie

i tend to loose alot of friends that way as well. i used to drink too much all the time which made me seem very social. now i don't drink at all and in turn hardly socialize


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## zwanglos

markel said:


> i tend to loose alot of friends that way as well. i used to drink too much all the time which made me seem very social. now i don't drink at all and in turn hardly socialize


Ditto. A had a period of 1-2 years where I would drink a lot, and I found it ludicrously easy to make friends. But it wasn't _me_ they were making friends with, just some drunk extrovert possessing my body for an evening. None of those friendships would ever last - they were doomed from the start.

I'm very introverted myself (gauged at 89%, I guess) and feel like I'm in the same boat. I can sit down and have a really neat conversation with one person for 3 hours straight, but if there are 4 people then I start feeling like a 5th wheel - "why am I even here? They don't want to talk to me."

This runs completely contrary to what I've recently begun perceiving to be the extrovert norm - extroverts thrive on the energy given off by a lot of people being around them, all talky-talky and happy-happy, but don't seem to much care about meaningful conversations. Usually when I talk to an "extreme extrovert" one-on-one, the conversations are only surface-level and very boring: "oh hey where are you from" "oh you know such-and-such place" ... Whenever I've had the misfortune to be stuck in a large party, I notice that a lot of people just have a good time because they're throwing inane movie quotes at each other, but not actually sharing anything important about themselves. This is the complete opposite of what I'd want in a conversation or a friendship.

Unfortunately, society has gotten to the point where extroversion is widely regarded as the happy norm and introversion is generally viewed as some sort of perversion or disease. I've had people give me lots of "self-help" books about "how to win friends and influence people" (that's actually the title of one of them) and they're all basically guides about how to be an extrovert. I can understand the material, sure, but I feel I'm being fake when I try to put what's in there to good use. Not to say that the life of an extrovert is fake, just to say that it feels fake when I try to pretend to be an extrovert. It just isn't me.

"Extroversion vs. Introversion" seems most like the "Quantity vs. Quality" debate. I dunno... there's nothing wrong with being extroverted, but there sure as hell isn't anything wrong with being introverted, either.


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## polaroid sea

svalp, i relate completely and your avatar's awesome. sans the appetite for murder, i feel like i am the female dexter morgan. and i score consistently at 100% introversion. it impacts every one of my relationships. admittedly, i even try to avoid dating whenever possible because i view it as an invasion of space and a time infringement. it's just easier and less stressful to be alone, and i'm actually happier alone for months at a time. still, i want connection, just rarely and on my own terms. i'll go through cycles of maybe two months or more without desire for human interaction before starting to crave it. even then, i only need maybe two or three days of socializing before i start to feel drained and want to retreat into my hermit cave again.

with friends, i find it helps immensely to have either an introverted friend who understands your perspective or an EXXP friend who can deal with the drought while you're introverting and is flexible and able to pick up where you left off when you're ready. i'm fortunate to have an ENFJ and an ESTP friend who understand my need to just disappear from the radar for stretches of time so i have the energy to be 80% more awesome the next time we're together. both these relationships are profound, meaningful and long-term. generally, i'm happy as long as people aren't terribly clingy and the number of people i'm interacting with stays under three. parties give me heart palpitations. 

in other circumstances when people don't understand that necessity and think you're insane, i find it's sometimes worth the attempt to stir the activity toward something less socially taxing like maybe going to a film or small coffee house or anything that promotes more one-on-one and discussion. and where that's not possible, i'm notorious for inventing excuses to get out of social obligations. it's that desperate. 

places like this are a great solution too.


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## Nancynobullets

zwanglos said:


> Ditto. A had a period of 1-2 years where I would drink a lot, and I found it ludicrously easy to make friends. But it wasn't _me_ they were making friends with, just some drunk extrovert possessing my body for an evening. None of those friendships would ever last - they were doomed from the start.
> 
> I'm very introverted myself (gauged at 89%, I guess) and feel like I'm in the same boat. I can sit down and have a really neat conversation with one person for 3 hours straight, but if there are 4 people then I start feeling like a 5th wheel - "why am I even here? They don't want to talk to me."
> 
> This runs completely contrary to what I've recently begun perceiving to be the extrovert norm - extroverts thrive on the energy given off by a lot of people being around them, all talky-talky and happy-happy, but don't seem to much care about meaningful conversations. Usually when I talk to an "extreme extrovert" one-on-one, the conversations are only surface-level and very boring: "oh hey where are you from" "oh you know such-and-such place" ... Whenever I've had the misfortune to be stuck in a large party, I notice that a lot of people just have a good time because they're throwing inane movie quotes at each other, but not actually sharing anything important about themselves. This is the complete opposite of what I'd want in a conversation or a friendship.
> 
> *Unfortunately, society has gotten to the point where extroversion is widely regarded as the happy norm and introversion is generally viewed as some sort of perversion or disease. I've had people give me lots of "self-help" books about "how to win friends and influence people" (that's actually the title of one of them) and they're all basically guides about how to be an extrovert.* I can understand the material, sure, but I feel I'm being fake when I try to put what's in there to good use. Not to say that the life of an extrovert is fake, just to say that it feels fake when I try to pretend to be an extrovert. It just isn't me.
> 
> "Extroversion vs. Introversion" seems most like the "Quantity vs. Quality" debate. I dunno... there's nothing wrong with being extroverted, but there sure as hell isn't anything wrong with being introverted, either.


This. Im sick of the general attitude towards strong introverts. Social power is the power to change peoples attitudes, or "influence" them, this could well be why extroversion is seen as the healthy norm, as the extroverts consider it so and spread the word. 

So here is my plan (dont tell the extroverts!) read those self-help books people, practice your socialising, make it an art, draw on your inner being for the inspiration you need to be a fascinating person. Then, when you have your socialising act perfected, CRUSH any fool who whould dare suggest introversion is unhealthy. This way they cant give the whole "introversion means you are socially undeveloped" or "introversion is unhealthy" arguments, as it will be obvious neither is true when you identify yourself as an introvert. 

Come, my introverted brothers and sisters, rise up! 

:angry: LETS GET INTROVERTED IN HEEEEEEERREEEE! :angry:

...

*Sits down and reads book*


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## zwanglos

Well, if you're playing by their rules, you're actually just being extroverted, as forced as it may be.

I don't see how you can convince extroverts that introversion is good if you're forcing yourself to be extroverted to make that point...


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## Nancynobullets

zwanglos said:


> Well, if you're playing by their rules, you're actually just being extroverted, as forced as it may be.
> 
> I don't see how you can convince extroverts that introversion is good if you're forcing yourself to be extroverted to make that point...


That is because I wasn't making complete sense. 

What I meant was, be extroverted untill you are an able socialite, then go back to your introverted ways. Then nobody can argue that you are an introvert because you are socially underdeveloped. 

To clarify: talking to people well doesnt make you an extrovert, it just makes you an able conversationalist. The reason extroverts are better at this is because they get more practice, not because extroversion = social ability. Subsequently, I am not asking introverts to become extroverts, I am asking introverts to become socially able, to beat the extroverts at their own game.


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## feral babie

Extroversion vs. Introversion" seems most like the "Quantity vs. Quality" debate. I dunno... there's nothing wrong with being extroverted, but there sure as hell isn't anything wrong with being introverted, either

i agree


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## feral babie

zwanglos said:


> "Extroversion vs. Introversion" seems most like the "Quantity vs. Quality" debate. I dunno... there's nothing wrong with being extroverted, but there sure as hell isn't anything wrong with being introverted, either.


 
i agree with that


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## infj123

"He had walked several kilometers over pavements, and his varicose ulcer was throbbing. This was the second time in three weeks that he had missed an evening at the Community Center: a rash act, since you could be certain that the number of attendances at the Center were carefully checked. In principle a Party member had no spare time, and was never alone except in bed. It was assumed that when he was not working, eating, or sleeping he would be taking part in some kind of communal recreations; to do anything that suggested a taste for solitude, even to go for a walk by yourself, was always slightly dangerous. There was a word for it in Newspeak: _ownlife_, it was called, meaning individualism and eccentricity." - taken from George Orwell's 1984.


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## Nancynobullets

Thank for that quote INFJ! It struck a chord in me.

Observation: It is dangerous to become isolated from the social herd, not because one loses out on the benefits of membership, but because such isolation will lead to discrimination from the herd against the individual in question. 

If this is true why do those who argue against isolation ignore this fact, and instead give the reason "that I need the groups support"?


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## whyerr

I can live without socializing. I enjoy the freedom of choice. The way I simply can say- no, if I don't feel like socializing, participating. This is not cool (I understand), but the very fact, that people need people so desperately sometimes - it makes me go further away. It's too overwhelming at times.
Of course,I need a reassurance time after time, so I attend here and there, just to make sure I still am, well, part of society, whatever.. This is my sense of freedom, I guess. Also, I don't feel alone, when I simply walk down the streets, see other people living their lives. 
It doesn't matter _who_ you/they are, when you simply pass someone on your way, meet their glance and look away, it simply means you/they _are_. I love it.


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## Tucken

Nancynobullets said:


> *Right now I am living at a residential college. I feel as if I am "trapped", surrounded by other people.* Recently I have been taking steps in order to defend my mental well being. For example, *instead of going down to the canteen I have occasionly been snacking/taking out instead. The fact people come up to me and demand an explanation for my absence after these meals demonstrates my point.*


It's just the same for me. I do that alot. Going on walks and training my body helps me cope with it.

All in all, there is nothing wrong with us. We must live with what we are. There are people out there who understand - find them!


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## firedell

I used to be very shy, and hide away, and not mind, I was a lone wolf. It was bullying, and my mother that brought me out of my shell, and I became more confident, which was odd, considering you would think bullying would do the opposite. I also found it easier to keep friendships, because I knew I needed someone to help me through life, you can't always do things alone.


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## Milya

I don't have any problems with skipping parties and such - most of the time the interaction is superficial and includes too much noise and alcohol for me to be able to enjoy it. And I do not see the benefit of forcing myself to be "extrovert" if it drains me totally and makes me unable to function as a person. Of course this means that I don't have long and lasting relationships. I don't have to be in constant contact because I need my own time and most people don't get it.

I work in an open-plan office and I spend some of my lunch breaks alone to be able to go through the work day. To some people this has been a huge problem - including my previous manager who even hinted at firing me if I didn't start acting more extroverted.
This can get pretty annoying - whenever I meet new people there's always someone who says I'm too introverted and gives advice on how to be "normal"(= extroverted). Usually I just dismiss those comments because a) they don't know me (if they did they'd know I can be pretty talkative when I'm the mood for it), b) I don't go around saying "you're too talkative" to extroverts and c) All people should have the right to be themselves as long as they don't hurt others.


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## krabkrab

Adamantcapitol said:


> Believe it or not, I've heard rumors of extroverts that respect your need for solitude too.


:laughing::laughing::laughing::laughing::laughing::laughing:


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## krabkrab

But yeah, I'm basically just a big ball of introversion. I probably spend about 95% of my time in my room. I'm actually able to get lonely sometimes, but those moments are seldom and they usually pass within a short time. It doesn't help my seclusive tendencies that I don't ever see the point of small talk. Or that I never know what to talk about. Ever. I could have friends if I knew what to talk about with people! I would keep in touch with people I've talked to if I knew what to talk about! It's a hard life being an extremely introverted Aspie who nonetheless values the idea of having meaningful relationships with other people but struggles intensely with social awkwardness. At least I've started seeing a therapist about my cripplingly lacking social skills. But even if I had social skills, I'd still want my alone time every now and then. Or every now and now, probably.

It's embarrassing how long it took to say what I wanted to say in this message.


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## WaverlyAnna

My Mom is also 100% introverted. I'm 78% introverted. I can go up to 3-7 being alone but ending up depresses. But I really, really do enjoy alone time. The reason I usually get depressed is because I have to go to school and stuff and I hate routine, not because of loneliness. But if you would ignore 'school thoughts' I would be less depressed and would enjoy maybe 7 or more happy, alone days.


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## Sharpnel

Stay in my hermit hut. I refuse all social gatherings unless I am promised sustenance. I am always mentally exhausted anyhow. By the time everyone wants to do something, I'm usually in my downtime.

Many haven't even heard my voice in months. I remember in high school one was fascinated after I spoke. Said my voice was sweeter than he'd imagined. I wonder if selective mutism is common among extreme introverts.


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## reveur

Another extreme introvert in here.

I need a lot of time on my own to feel comfortable and I'm highly independent. I really prefer face to face talk with just one person. Or animals. I love spending time with animals. They're always ok.

When I'm really overloaded, stressed out and I can't take a step back I'm simply shutting down "inside". It feels like closing before the constant flow around. I don't talk, I break an eye contact and keep the distance. I don't participate in interaction anymore. I simply float away into my own world of thoughts and imagination. 

The ones that know me don't mind. They know I'm just out of there and I'll be back. The rest may percieve it as weird, or feel offended because they think that it's about them and I just ignored them.


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## SoulScream

Some people tend to stick around despite my infrequent presence in their lives. There are those exceptions I can talk to on a daily basis but I don't necessarily notice when it doesn't happen. I am the introverted one in a house of introverts (both my flatmates are pretty heavy introverts themselves - an INFP and an INFJ). 

To be honest I never really cared about creating meaningful and long lasting relationships with people. They either happen or they don't. Even when they do .. when they end I rarely feel anything so the whole idea of meaningful is kinda lost with me.


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## Noctis

Like this


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## geekygingergirl

As a nearly 100% introverted INFJ, I have these problems as well as a contradictory need for human contact. I am thoroughly exhausted by conversation and activity with others, yet also need it to feel good about myself. Whenever I spend long periods of time alone, I feel both revitalized and guilty- similarly, when I have a rewarding social experience like making a friend or even something so simple as receiving a compliment, I am drained but also considerably more cheerful. However, when situations are not rewarding, like if another person shows the slightest amount of negativity towards me or I _think_ they are showing the slightest bit of negativity towards me, I can easily make myself feel horrible for days and keep myself up at night. After negative social experiences, I have a strong desire to withdraw completely. So life for me is a constant struggle between extreme introversion and sensitivity and strong desire for good relationships and affirmation.


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## bigstupidgrin

Extreme introversion and social anxiety/phobia are two different things. Anxiety/phobia limits the ability to withstand human/group interactions (to absurd extremes). Introversion means that you don't get any enjoyment out of random social interactions, and you generally recharge by being alone or with individuals. I'm still very introverted, but I kicked my phobia thanks to throwing myself into metal concerts. 

For introversion, the key is control. Headphones are a great way for me to survive forced public situations. My career is going to be in Elementary teaching: as a teacher I get to control how my classroom works for the most part. I'd rather be the host of a party than a guest. Hobby groups are a better idea than a bar, because the conversations will mostly be decided for you. Frankly Internet dating is a great idea for romantic relationships. 

@Nancynobullets I'm 30 and starting to mellow out on the extremes of my personality type (INFP). Maybe I'm compromising with the world, although I can stand up for myself in public much more easily. I'm definitely still an INFP however.


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## RVG

Like many of the posters here I am sick and tired of being faulted for staying true to myself. I am 97% introvert according to the MBTI. What the snake said to The Little Prince ("it can also be lonely among people") rings painfully true to me most of the time. For this reason I find myself unsuitable for marriage, as the loss of solitude and freedom would be the death of me. I am surprised, however, at some of the comments in this thread. The thought of a married, 100% introvert makes me scratch my head. 

People either see me as snobbish or antisocial. I am neither. What I am is an extreme introvert, one who truly comes alive when she's alone. I love the company of my books and computer. I find that some books are more interesting than some people. I have dangerously high levels of boredom. I get bored when I'm not learning anything new, which is why I'd rather grab a book and ponder at what I read than talk to people.

I'm 37 and I've never bought a cell phone in my entire life. I've had 3 cell phones though, all hand-me-downs. The cell phone is not worth my money. It's a piece of technology that I've resented in the last 20 years, because I don't want to be reached all the time. My phone is usually switched off, as I am a home-based freelancer. Sometimes I'd lose my phone for 10 days and wouldn't bother looking for it until I need it for a meet-up. My family is usually cross with my "carelessness" coz many times I don't bother to bring my phone when I go out (and when I do it's usually switched off). I also feel that a number of friends resent me for not replying to their texts that don't exactly warrant a response. 

I am a raw vegan, and am completely comfortable (and perhaps even very relieved) with the social isolation my lifestyle brings. My mom is not very happy that my way of eating separates me from people. She and relatives can get very upset when I'm a no-show in reunions and other family gatherings. I never liked parties and social gatherings even when I was still a meat eater, but my mom only noticed my preference to stay at home when I finally had a more obvious reason for not showing up at parties.


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## human

1) Scheduling. I am learning to schedule alone time (both at work and at home) every day. More important than food.
2) I am learning not to berate myself for this or consider myself wrong, even when I feel like some kind of weirdo.
3) When socializing, I try to encourage others to talk about their true passions, so I can listen. (Works well, for as long as my energy holds.)
4) I watch the calendar, so I can avoid too many social events too close together. Sometimes work requires it, but I do what I can...
5) I don't believe that introversion always means living a life alone. Friends know, even if I never mention it, that I am an introvert, and most come to accept this part of me. Some cannot, and these friendships have not lasted. Luckily, one or two good friends mean more to me than many.


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## Sangmu

Coming from someone who scores 100% introvert, this is easy. Don't hang out in obnoxious "groups" of people. Retire to your bedroom early in the evening so that you can decompress and daydream. If you're a student, strive to make friends OFF campus (through classes, dating, meet-ups) so that you can control your exposure to them. Don't try to be friends with an ESFP. Tell them that you think they're great but you need to go away now. Forever. Learn to properly meditate and then do so throughout the day.


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## Carpentet810

I imagine they manage indoors..


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## AstralSoldier

I'm assertively introverted. You don't have to be extroverted to be assertive, i.e. constantly displaying aggressive line-drawing behaviors and the verbalizing of your boundaries is more or less a social value of the day (usually be people who are of low intelligence/reasoning ability) that's respected by cultures (Western-European colonized ones such as the USA) that value extroversion and straight-shooting, or direct/tangible displays of what they perceive as strong or dominant behaviors: it doesn't take much to not give a fuck about anyone and prioritize your emotions/desires above others, it's the easiest thing to do in the world to be selfish especially if you have above average intellect/status/affluence and reason to yourself that anyone who cannot match or surpass your intellect/resources is beneath you, but when you can include others into your vision assuring there's a place for each and everyone of them based on their individual talents, traits, and abilities you earn strength by collaborating with them, instead of just isolating yourself and destroying your social standing. 

I've noticed that a majority of people (regardless of whether they are introverted or extroverted) are intrusive, have a poor sense of boundaries of others, trendy, can be motivated towards narcissism with the goading of social media (they become more focused on their persona's and they're ability to garner attention from others than developing substance and getting into contact with their self-experience) because the values of the day are insubstantial, and with people displaying an already-too-eager need to aspire to superficial values: to be famous, wealthy, superior, and like anyone they idolize/idealize other than who they are at heart, is it any wonder why people are so profoundly unhappy with their lot in life, willing to lash out at others, and unwilling to make any long-term adjustments? They have no positive self-derived values in their life, and are socially motivated to seek out others to help them define and reinforce their lack identity and their sense of morality...Who the HELL in their right mind would want to deal with a person/people like that? 

I don't have a problem telling people I don't want to talk to them unless I actually WANT to talk to them. I don't insult them, I just don't necessarily want to talk with them about that particular thing that came up off the cuff. I think if more people (introverted AND extroverted) were more honest with their own desires, they'd be more happy, and less inclined to talk about others behind their backs, because regardless to whether they were introverted or extroverted, they'd know where they stood with people, and that's what Introverts enjoy/need the most from others...to know where they stand with others.


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## Weils

I prefer to be alone most of the time. Whenever I want to be around people, I get too much stimulation and often have to retreat to the toilet. Being in a procurement position in my company does not help.


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