# Girlfriend left me for another guy...



## Anubis (Nov 30, 2011)

Fizz said:


> That's how I see it as well.


Easier said than done, y'know? I wish I could just ignore these stupid emotions, but they keep creeping their way into every situation right now. But yeah, she wasted like a year of my life I could have been with way better girls, but I was "in love." It's definitely time to just get over it. 

Sigghh...


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## Mr Canis (Mar 3, 2012)

"*Living well is the best revenge.*" - George Herbert

Take this opportunity to "trade up". Go find yourself a gal who is better in every way and enjoy the heck out her. Be ridiculously happy and make her the same way.

You are actually fortunate that she revealed her true colors at this point, rather than down the road when you had even more invested. Sure it hurts. If it didn't there are those who would call you an ENTJ... hahahhah  But seriously, based upon her recent performance, you *can* and *will* do better, being all the wiser.


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## Rachel Something (Jan 30, 2012)

Ouch... that's gotta hurt. Try not to waste too much energy dwelling on her (although I can imagine that it must be difficult to do so.) Occupy your mind with something else. Focus on making yourself happy right now.


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## redmanXNTP (May 17, 2011)

JJ Yossarian said:


> "*Living well is the best revenge.*" - George Herbert


One of my favorite post-divorce quotes. And I live it.


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## redmanXNTP (May 17, 2011)

WinklePlum said:


> Easier said than done, y'know? I wish I could just ignore these stupid emotions, but they keep creeping their way into every situation right now. But yeah, she wasted like a year of my life I could have been with way better girls, but I was "in love." It's definitely time to just get over it.
> 
> Sigghh...


Your year wasn't wasted. Dating and relationships are trial and error. Ponder this relationship for a while (especially after your intense emotions have died down in the coming months) and learn lessons about yourself, her and dating, and apply them to future relationships. Also, try to remind yourself that the best lessons learned, the one's most remembered and taken to heart, are those that involve some pain. 

You didn't hate everything about her. How do I know this? Because you stayed with her so long and I don't presume you to be some sort of spineless moron. What I think you'll learn is along the lines of the following:

1) She's not evil, however much she hurt you. She's careless, selfish and naive. What happened here is more of a reflection upon her than you. 

2) You contributed to this. You did. Your relationship wasn't perfect and then she suddenly left. It doesn't work that way. She may have handled it in a lousy and hurtful way, but there were clearly problems and you were (roughly) 50% of them. At a minimum, if she was the devil incarnate then you contributed to this by putting up with it and letting her walk over you and disrespect you rather than you dumping her. I would suspect, however, that this was a bit more nuanced than that. 

3) In hindsight, there were signs of this coming. Maybe not her leaving right now for this guy, but there were signs of problems. Next time you'll pay more attention to them, or whatever other versions of them apply to your future significant others. 

4) You probably had an over-romanticized view of her and your relationship. This caused you to be blind to some of the problems. "Young love" is wonderful and fun, but this is its biggest cost. We "old people" enjoy the romantic ride, but we've learned to keep our eyes open too, and also speak up when we've got some concerns and hold our partner accountable, at least by asking questions. Love is grand, but romance's version of _realpolitik _has an essential place in your relationships. 

5) You'll get 100% over this if you let the emotions die down, stop obsessing over the pain and anger, and accept that you needed to learn whatever lessons you learned here in order to better find and build a good relationship with someone in the future. 

Good luck.


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## Anubis (Nov 30, 2011)

redmanXNTP said:


> Your year wasn't wasted. Dating and relationships are trial and error. Ponder this relationship for a while (especially after your intense emotions have died down in the coming months) and learn lessons about yourself, her and dating, and apply them to future relationships. Also, try to remind yourself that the best lessons learned, the one's most remembered and taken to heart, are those that involve some pain.
> 
> You didn't hate everything about her. How do I know this? Because you stayed with her so long and I don't presume you to be some sort of spineless moron. What I think you'll learn is along the lines of the following:
> 
> ...


exactly what I needed to hear. I'll obey your signature and just leave it at that haha


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## Fizz (Nov 13, 2010)

WinklePlum said:


> Easier said than done, y'know? I wish I could just ignore these stupid emotions, but they keep creeping their way into every situation right now. But yeah, she wasted like a year of my life I could have been with way better girls, but I was "in love." It's definitely time to just get over it.
> 
> Sigghh...


It's alright, we've all been there or will likely be there at some point in our lives. It definitely is easier to say than to actually be done. It was over a year together so of course you will need some time to recover.


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## Persephone (Nov 14, 2009)

WinklePlum said:


> exactly what I needed to hear. I'll obey your signature and just leave it at that haha


Take some time off and ruminate, and go out again when you feel fine (certainly don't go get a girl when you're like this). I find that when I'm stressed or depressed, I just suspend most things that are happening in my life (including: Skip class) and give myself time.


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## firedell (Aug 5, 2009)

I had that done to me once, just please don't like it affect the rest of your future relationships.


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## Promethea (Aug 24, 2009)

I know its hard to not blame yourself, and have your self-esteem suffer, but I'm going to tell you something thats true: its not about you, its about them when they do this. Chances are, whatever she felt was unfulfilled will continue to go that way, because she can't find that in -any- person. She can wander this earth seeking it in whomever, but its something shes lacking. And this might sound like a reaching assumption, but her actions tell me a lot.


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## Promethea (Aug 24, 2009)

Hey, I nearly forgot.. I created this thread for breakup advice for ppl who come here broken-hearted, and looking for ways to cope..

http://personalitycafe.com/sex-relationships/84526-how-deal-breakup.html

I hope something helps. And time will surely heal it, even if nothing else does.


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## dejavu (Jun 23, 2010)

However much you may care about this girl, remember that if she did this to you, she was not right for you. There is something wrong with her, not you, so try to keep that in mind.

I find that whenever I'm in pain, it helps to remember the phrase, "This too shall pass." Whatever you are feeling is temporary and time will heal you. In the meantime, do try to talk to people around you. It can be very healing. Vent your frustration through crying if you can, privately of course. It also helps with the stress. Exercise also helps lift your mood and helps with venting. Immerse yourself in activities you love.

Some people find that it helps to jump into another relationship. That can work too, but I personally don't find it to be a great coping mechanism.


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## DarkWarrior (Sep 21, 2011)

She obviously didn't love you as much as you loved her. For that reason alone she isn't good enough for you. Be glad she is gone, she is obviously isn't worth the time if she is that shallow.


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## wisdom (Dec 31, 2008)

Honestly, just for a deterrent effect, he should seek some kind of revenge, such as gossiping about what happened. That sort of heart-wrenching evil happens too often in today's world.


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## Tanuchiro (Mar 1, 2012)

Logical Ambivert Feeler said:


> so your girlfriend split up with you for another guy....dont you think shes a b****?
> is it worth gettin depressed over someone like that?
> Answer? NO


That is my exact thought process for most social issues. She showed you her true colors, better sooner than later.


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## wisdom (Dec 31, 2008)

Endorphment: Why Some Breakups Are Much Harder Than Others | Psychology Today


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## CoopV (Nov 6, 2011)

Don't worry it won't be long before he treats her like shit and she regrets it. 

And she sounds like a dumb bitch anyways...


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## LibertyPrime (Dec 17, 2010)

Shit happens man. 1.7 years is a long time. If you guys are young then I'm surprised she lasted that long. People do tend to fall out of that intense love that one feels at the start. Its a lesson to learn. That kind of love doesn't last (ever) and we need to grow to accept the slow burning kind as well. People differ and want different things in a relationship.

At the very least she didn't cheat on you and had the decency to erase you out of her life. Trust me when I say that she did you a favor and when she deleted you from FP she was thinking about you despite what you may think.

I advise erasing her from your life as well and moving on. Learn from this. Life goes on and it isn't the end of the world. It happened to me as well , you can and will move on.

Don't listen to people who say she is a dumb bitch and so, if she were then I'd doubt you would have been with her for 1.7 years.


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## Antipseudonym (Mar 3, 2012)

I was lazy to read all the posts, but I have to tell you this - don't do anything about them. Don't think about revenge, it can just make all the things worse. Stop checking their facebook pages, try doing something useful that will make you a better person. And in the end, this all will make you feel better. Try being a high - moral person.


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## Razare (Apr 21, 2009)

WinklePlum said:


> I've never felt this depressed. I want to go find this guy and beat the shit out of him, but I also just wanna curl up and die


Yeah that's what I wanted to do when I got left for another guy.

What was fun was all the stuff she told me after leaving me. All the little lies she had told about what she really thought and felt about me. I still can't comprehend why you would lie about what you think of someone, on such an intimate level.

It was one of the better things that ever happened to me though, just had deep pain for 6 months. 2 years later, I'll find myself occasionally missing her for no explicable reason other than how she could brighten my mood with her personality.

The reason it was the best thing that ever happened to me was that our relationship was broke and it needed to end. Yet the way she hurt me was also a profound thing because it improved my character. I came to realize the nature of my love was inevitably going to result in deep pain... my love was that of attachment and condition.

It pushed me toward a better love, that which has no condition and can never be betrayed.

I'm so very sorry this has happened to you, I know it really really sucks, for me, it was the worst moment of my life, it probably is for you too. *hugs*


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## Razare (Apr 21, 2009)

Oh and when she asks to get back with you 6 months to a year from now, do yourself a favor and say "No"

90% of the time when a chick does an immediate betrayal for another dude, they'll ask to get back with their original partner, especially if she cheated on you before the break-up.

PS - and just reading your thread reminded me of what I felt like back then, I'm almost feeling sick right now because of it. I thought I was mostly over it, but I guess not. I don't expect you ever get over it if you really loved her. But for me at least, feeling this is a good reminder as to why I turned to God so strongly. To live with that pain is emotional Hell.


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## Onomatopoeia (Nov 2, 2010)

Razare said:


> PS - and just reading your thread reminded me of what I felt like back then, I'm almost feeling sick right now because of it. *I thought I was mostly over it, but I guess not.* I don't expect you ever get over it if you really loved her. But for me at least, feeling this is a good reminder as to why I turned to God so strongly. To live with that pain is emotional Hell.


Just because it still hurts from time to time, does not mean you are not over it. You can still feel pangs of emotion from time to time, and still be over the situation and be in control. Chin up!


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## Onomatopoeia (Nov 2, 2010)

Also, to the OP- listen to Redman and treat this as a learning experience once your head is clear. Reflection can be painful, but it can also be extremely powerful.


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## Enkidu (Apr 19, 2010)

dejavu said:


> However much you may care about this girl, remember that if she did this to you, she was not right for you. There is something wrong with her, not you, so try to keep that in mind.


This is very true. My last breakup was catastrophic and I blamed myself for all of it. It was only after the grieving period, rationalizing my feelings, and support from family & friends that I really realized the true extent of my heartbreak. My ex-girlfriend cheated on me because she was troubled and upset with her life. She was chasing a fleeting feeling of infatuation, and when that faded, reality set it, and she was off to search for that high again. She also had a distant, disconnected father and sought to fill the void of that broken relationship by finding another man to overshadow her resentment of him. I was just as introverted, maybe, but I just regret that I wasn't able to help her, at least by loving her. The worst part is that I had every reason to be wary of her - all her previous relationships ended in the exact same way. Hindsight is 20/20. I thought I was her special someone, then I was thrown away.



dejavu said:


> I find that whenever I'm in pain, it helps to remember the phrase, "This too shall pass." Whatever you are feeling is temporary and time will heal you. In the meantime, do try to talk to people around you. It can be very healing. Vent your frustration through crying if you can, privately of course. It also helps with the stress. Exercise also helps lift your mood and helps with venting. Immerse yourself in activities you love.


You have to rediscover who you are and be true to yourself. Be grateful for the pain and hurt, if you face that challenge head-on, it will undoubtedly change you. You will grow beyond yourself...these lyrics were an epiphany at the time:


> And I promise to learn to love the way I've learned to fear
> To unknot all the inhibitions tangled in my hair
> To let my ego mound in piles around the barber chair​


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## wisdom (Dec 31, 2008)

'Funny' how if it were a woman being left by a guy for another woman, many people would say revenge is just fine.


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## sparkles (Mar 2, 2011)

She sucks. You're a cutie. Grab a few friends and a few beers and imagine how ugly she probably is on the inside to have her priorities so askew.


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## sparkles (Mar 2, 2011)

wisdom said:


> 'Funny' how if it were a woman being left by a guy for another woman, many people would say revenge is just fine.


And just as many people would say revenge isn't really going to help.

Why do so many of these threads have to become about feminism or gender issues when they don't start out that way? Can't the man get some respect for what he's going through? It isn't about women vs. men, and there are lots of threads here for you if that's what you want to talk about.


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## wisdom (Dec 31, 2008)

The point is he's not getting enough respect, because people are acting as though he should accept being victimized.


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## sparkles (Mar 2, 2011)

wisdom said:


> The point is he's not getting enough respect, because people are acting as though he should accept being victimized.


I don't understand that revenge breakup stuff, myself. It isn't the other guy who made the choice - it's the former girlfriend. She is the one who screwed him over. She is the one who couldn't be trusted to keep her commitment. The other guy is just some guy. 

It's okay to be angry and to fight for what you want, OP. If you want to fight, that is. Just remember there are laws and consequences for breaking them. Me, I would accept the situation because the right person for me isn't going to leave over something like that. If they are right for me, they stay.


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## CoopV (Nov 6, 2011)

Oh yea and from the looks of your avatar you're not "ok" you're good looking :tongue:

Models are so cliche anyways.. I personally prefer a normal good looking guy over some tan, built, spikey haired cliche. Plus models are so full of themselves I'd just wanna beat him up more than want to sleep with him lol



sparkles said:


> I don't understand that revenge breakup stuff, myself. It isn't the other guy who made the choice - it's the former girlfriend. She is the one who screwed him over. She is the one who couldn't be trusted to keep her commitment. The other guy is just some guy.
> 
> It's okay to be angry and to fight for what you want, OP. If you want to fight, that is. Just remember there are laws and consequences for breaking them. Me, I would accept the situation because the right person for me isn't going to leave over something like that. If they are right for me, they stay.


HA! This reminds me of the Jennifer Aniston and Brangelina uproar. Brad is the one who made the decision to breakup with Jennifer and what was Angelina supposed to say? No stay single. I like you and all and I know you don't wanna be with her but I refuse to be with you so just stay single. It's Brad's fault more than it was Angelina's imo. 

And in this case yes you can be angry over the fact you think the other guy is better looking than you and that can upset you but the real issue is that bitch that has treated him like crap.

And to be realistic it's nearly impossible to completely get over this and just move on. It's gonna take time because the brain is processing a loss and obviously negative emotions ensue. Getting revenge on the girl can feel good temporarily but still doesn't change what she did or any of the emotions from the loss. So imo and because I believe in karma I think it's best to forget revenge because like I said previously chances are that guy is gonna mop the floor with her. And you seem like a sweet guy so she'll then realize what she lost.


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## sparkles (Mar 2, 2011)

eros5th said:


> It's Brad's fault more than it was Angelina's imo.


I agree. I view cheating the same way. I dated someone who cheated once. I was pissed at him. I was pissed at her, too, but the major chunk of my anger was directed at my then-SO. He was the one who betrayed me, not her. So I didn't go attack her, slash her tires, any of that. We were all in the same room together and I still focused my frustration on him, not her. Cheating is another situation where people freak out on the third party, and I think it makes more sense to be freaked out with your partner.

I guess people idealize that role in the relationship or something. I can see how someone would feel like they couldn't direct their anger at the SO out of a sense of loyalty or something, so they direct it at the third party, call them a home-wrecker and such. But it isn't the third party who violated a commitment or your trust. It's the partner! Be mad at them! (How I see it anyway.)


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## redmanXNTP (May 17, 2011)

wisdom said:


> The point is he's not getting enough respect, because people are acting as though he should accept being victimized.


You're establishing a good, consistent track record in this thread of being completely wrong.


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## Pete The Lich (May 16, 2011)

WinklePlum said:


> I hate that I'm doing this, but I feel out of control and i need someone so badly... I can't talk to people in real life because I hate talking about my problems to others. I just need some words of experience, advice whatever.
> 
> *My girlfriend of 1 year 7 months left me for a model* and I'm ok looking, but not hot like this guy. It hurts even more that after breaking up with me for this douche, she deletes me off facebook and tumblr...
> 
> I've never felt this depressed. I want to go find this guy and beat the shit out of him, but I also just wanna curl up and die



wow shes extremely shallow
sorry that sucks man but she was probably just using you
go snag a marlin and rub it in her face!

Your Ex v









Your next girlfriend v


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## sparkles (Mar 2, 2011)

redmanXNTP said:


> You're establishing a good, consistent track record in this thread of being completely wrong.


Yeah, I didn't even quite understand what @wisdom meant by that. Who is victimizing the OP? There's an assumption there that I don't quite get. When someone leaves you for a different person, I don't see anyone there as a victim. The person leaving is responsible for breaking the commitment, for betraying the trust of the other and the implicit or explicit promises made. The person they are leaving is responsible for healing from it, either by fighting for the former relationship or letting it go and processing the loss. No victims in such a world of personal responsibility, to me.

And maybe it is my Fi but I don't see the new partner as victimizing the old one, either. Fe would possibly see it that way, though.


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## Richard (Aug 16, 2011)

Pete The Lich said:


> wow shes extremely shallow
> sorry that sucks man but she was probably just using you
> go snag a marlin and rub it in her face!
> 
> ...


So you’re saying his next gf is going to stab him in the dick ?


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## redmanXNTP (May 17, 2011)

Richard said:


> So you’re saying his next gf is going to stab him in the dick ?


Either that or he's going to have to fight with her a couple of hours each time before he "lands" her. Could be pretty exciting actually.


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## redmanXNTP (May 17, 2011)

sparkles said:


> Yeah, I didn't even quite understand what @_wisdom_ meant by that. Who is victimizing the OP? There's an assumption there that I don't quite get. When someone leaves you for a different person, I don't see anyone there as a victim. The person leaving is responsible for breaking the commitment, for betraying the trust of the other and the implicit or explicit promises made. The person they are leaving is responsible for healing from it, either by fighting for the former relationship or letting it go and processing the loss. No victims in such a world of personal responsibility, to me.
> 
> And maybe it is my Fi but I don't see the new partner as victimizing the old one, either. Fe would possibly see it that way, though.


Revenge puts the emotional and mental focus in the wrong places.

1) Revenge focuses upon what is now a past relationship, rather than on what you'll do differently and better in future relationships; 

2) the inherent assumption in revenge is that the fault lies elsewhere from you. While there may be truth in that, there is ALWAYS something that you did to have contributed to the problem, maybe even significantly. If you're plotting and carrying out revenge, and later reveling in the "victory" that that revenge provided you, you're not focusing on what you did wrong and should fix about yourself; 

3) contrary to what your bile-filled gut is telling you, revenge is in fact the act of the weak. Only someone who got hurt needs to get revenge. It's nothing but a temper tantrum directed at someone else, and only little kids throw tantrums. This isn't the mafia where you're worried about some sort of undercutting of your influence or authority in an area. As they say, "Never let them see you sweat." If you want to get "revenge" which isn't actually revenge, then grow from your experience and live well, and find a good partner with whom to build a solid, healthy relationship. In other words, "The best revenge is living well." 

I know from which I speak. My wife cheated on me, and I ultimately left her after seeing the futility and heartbreak of trying to rebuild the marriage despite her ongoing infidelity. I was motivated to closely reexamine myself, and I found a lot of things both to like and not to like. My lifestyle is different now, and my approach to love and communicating is different. I work out and am in good physical shape. She, meanwhile, is the same old person and I know it eats at her that I'm happily ensconced in a new relationship and am doing well on my own. She's not the point of all of this, however I do allow myself to feel a little satisfaction when I know that I've used the last three years better than she has to build a good future. 

You can even use this as your theme song as you rebuild...


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## sparkles (Mar 2, 2011)

redmanXNTP said:


> Revenge puts the emotional and mental focus in the wrong places.


I agree. Revenge is to soften the blow to the ego. And as you say it goes to saving a relationship that is no longer a relationship. Of course, some people have high-drama relations, so there is this mythical off and on where they break up then one fights to get the other back. Not my speed, but it is a dynamic that exists. I think such folks are addicted to the infatuation chemicals in some cases, and don't really want a stable partnership - they prefer the intensity. And that's ok, I don't judge something just because it isn't for me.

Revenge is the act of someone who feels like a victim, IMO. Motivated by a blow to one's pride, you leverage hurt and sadness into anger. You can't grow from the experience if you feel like the victim - you can only grow when you take action from the space of responsibility. That's not to say you can't wallow in self-pity and confusion and regret and frustration before you take those steps. Grieve if you need to grieve, by all means. Sometimes wallowing in negative emotion is sweet and delicious and just what we need.

But I'm with you - not big on beating a dead horse. Or in this case, a dead fish. If they leave me, they showed me they no longer view this as a sustainable relationship - that is actually really useful feedback. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. 

But then, I also do not cling to the past much AT ALL. I roll with the changes in the present. I don't try to chase what was, so it is much easier for me to have this attitude, I think. 

I'm speaking from experience a bit here, myself. (Not as substantial as yours, though.) Dated someone casually but exclusively, and right around the end of infatuation he dumped me. First time I was the one being dumped instead of doing the dumping. I was kind of shocked, and a bit put off, and had to grieve the loss of the idea of the relationship, but by the end of the next day I was over it. Not everyone can do this, and I get that. And during that grief process I took a look at what I was being that made it a poor relationship (and it has to be a poor relationship if one person isn't into it), and how I could better get what I wanted in the future.


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## wisdom (Dec 31, 2008)

If someone is cheated on (which seems to have happened here), that person probably is a victim. Claims to the contrary scare me. I am not advocating an extended campaign of revenge, but sometimes fighting back reduces the victimhood and can teach a lesson in the process.


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## sparkles (Mar 2, 2011)

wisdom said:


> If someone is cheated on (which seems to have happened here), that person probably is a victim. Claims to the contrary scare me. I am not advocating an extended campaign of revenge, but sometimes fighting back reduces the victimhood and can teach a lesson in the process.


How is the person who was cheated on a victim? Isn't it a matter of perspective? What's wrong with seeing it as they did you a favor by revealing that they don't have the proper character to be what you deserve in a relationship?

And do you advocate revenge against the person who betrayed that person, or revenge against the third party?


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## wisdom (Dec 31, 2008)

I killed your severely disabled child. I saved you from thousands in child-rearing expenses!

Revenge against both parties would make sense, assuming they both knew it was wrong.


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## Intellectual (May 25, 2012)

Well buddy no one can compete with models lol 
but on serious note find someone else .


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## redmanXNTP (May 17, 2011)

wisdom said:


> I killed your severely disabled child. I saved you from thousands in child-rearing expenses!
> 
> Revenge against both parties would make sense, assuming they both knew it was wrong.


Ok, so you're an extremely uncreative fisherman.


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## sparkles (Mar 2, 2011)

wisdom said:


> I killed your severely disabled child. I saved you from thousands in child-rearing expenses!
> 
> Revenge against both parties would make sense, assuming they both knew it was wrong.


So is the relationship the severely disabled child here? Um. It would make more sense to compare the relationship to a job that you thought was good, but really sucked for you. A recruiter comes along and takes your CEO away, leaving you jobless because the company had to fold without the CEO. You're upset, but then when you get that next job you realize the old one sucked. 

Maybe we all just relate to our egos differently.


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## wisdom (Dec 31, 2008)

Close personal relationships are much more emotionally impactful than jobs.

I feel like I'm in an alternate universe where cheating isn't painful.


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## sparkles (Mar 2, 2011)

wisdom said:


> Close personal relationships are much more emotionally impactful than jobs.
> 
> I feel like I'm in an alternate universe where cheating isn't painful.


Discovering you don't have a job when you thought you'd have one is pretty impactful. I'm not referring to the notion of changing jobs, so much as the experience of having one go away unexpectedly. 

No one said it isn't painful. Of course it's painful. @redmanXNTP and myself are simply saying that revenge isn't the productive choice. It won't really get you anything. If they leave you in the dust and betray you like that, you're just giving them MORE of your personal power by getting so caught up in it that you'd chase them down with hate. 

It is more powerful to not allow them the satisfaction of affecting you to that level, and to do something productive with the situation you find yourself in. IMO.


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## wisdom (Dec 31, 2008)

I don't see any problem with privately telling mutual acquaintances what they did. It might almost be a duty to do that. Then move on.


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## sparkles (Mar 2, 2011)

wisdom said:


> I don't see any problem with privately telling mutual acquaintances what they did. It might almost be a duty to do that. Then move on.


That doesn't sound like revenge to me.


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## Rakshasa (May 26, 2012)

Unless raped or beat her (or another person) while you two were together she's probably a terrible person. She'll probably leave him for another guy... On and on until her body has no more redeeming features. Hell if you were a great guy you can expect to see her again. Unfortunately.


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## L'Empereur (Jun 7, 2010)

WinklePlum said:


> I hate that I'm doing this, but I feel out of control and i need someone so badly... I can't talk to people in real life because I hate talking about my problems to others. I just need some words of experience, advice whatever.
> 
> My girlfriend of 1 year 7 months left me for a model and I'm ok looking, but not hot like this guy. It hurts even more that after breaking up with me for this douche, she deletes me off facebook and tumblr...
> 
> I've never felt this depressed. I want to go find this guy and beat the shit out of him, but I also just wanna curl up and die


At least she didn't leave you for another girl.


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## redmanXNTP (May 17, 2011)

wisdom said:


> I don't see any problem with privately telling mutual acquaintances what they did. It might almost be a duty to do that. Then move on.


Ok. So you tell mutual acquaintainces, "Suzy went and left me for Bobby," and so they then (already thinking you're a whiny bitch who is blatantly slapping back because you got hurt), go and get Suzy's side of the story. And Suzy says, "_That's_ what he told you? Hahaha! You wouldn't believe what I've been through with him for the last six months..." 

How do you think you're going to come out on that one, champ? 

You know the old saying "never let them see you sweat"? If you're bent on your penny ante revenge, you're sweating hard and it's showing.


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## Mr_Mug (Mar 19, 2012)

I can empathise with the OP. My wife and partner of 5 years left me this year for another man. We have 2 children under 3 years together and she has another son aged 9 from yet another previous man. I'm still pretty tender about it, as deep down I do love her. But her level of betrayal and the way she did it was unforgiveable. She's an ENTP and naturally went into a cycle of trying to justify it to me, herself and others .... but it doesn't change that what she did was wrong.

I went through a spell of wanting to kill the other guy .... I still do actually, regularly. Any time I stop and think about him it makes my blood boil. It makes it worse that she now wants him in MY kids lives  Now that IS a horrible horrible situation ... trust me. I wish she had only been a girlfriend as I would have told her where to go and been away. I don't have such an easy choice.

The thing that is pulling me out the other side is that I now realise that women like these are in the minority out there. They are bad eggs, but only they will really suffer in the long term. They will be happy in relatively short bursts but never find true happiness - because they are essentially damaged to the core, which can't be repaired.

You and I on the other hand can come out of it and find a normal woman who wouldn't even consider doing this. It can be done  It WILL be done! Best of luck mate.


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## sparkles (Mar 2, 2011)

^^^Amen to that! These folks don't find lasting happiness and rather than fix the inner void they try to get others to do it and that doesn't work.


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## Enkidu (Apr 19, 2010)

sparkles said:


> ^^^Amen to that! These folks don't find lasting happiness and rather than fix the inner void they try to get others to do it and that doesn't work.


Ironically, yes. They can't live with themselves or stand being alone so they leach off of other's in their unhappiness.


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## redmanXNTP (May 17, 2011)

Mr_Mug said:


> I can empathise with the OP. My wife and partner of 5 years left me this year for another man. We have 2 children under 3 years together and she has another son aged 9 from yet another previous man. I'm still pretty tender about it, as deep down I do love her. But her level of betrayal and the way she did it was unforgiveable. She's an ENTP and naturally went into a cycle of trying to justify it to me, herself and others .... but it doesn't change that what she did was wrong.
> 
> I went through a spell of wanting to kill the other guy .... I still do actually, regularly. Any time I stop and think about him it makes my blood boil. It makes it worse that she now wants him in MY kids lives  Now that IS a horrible horrible situation ... trust me. I wish she had only been a girlfriend as I would have told her where to go and been away. I don't have such an easy choice.
> 
> ...


The best revenge is living well. It will also be BY FAR the best way to raise your kids, regardless of what her circumstances end up being. 

Good luck to you.


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## wisdom (Dec 31, 2008)

The guy has visual evidence that she was cheating. He-said-she-said hardly applies. Revenge can easily be his, if he wants it.


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## Uncouth Angel (Nov 26, 2011)

I know, it feels like hell. I've been there. But whatever you do, don't engage in any sort of behavior that could be seen as stalking. You might be constantly wondering what your ex is up to, and/or how her new relationship will work out, but trust me, _you don't want to know_. Find to something to keep yourself occupied with. Pick up a new hobby. You'll miss her less and less as the months and years go by, especially if you meet other people who can treat you better.


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## BroNerd (Nov 27, 2010)

Mr_Mug said:


> I can empathise with the OP. My wife and partner of 5 years left me this year for another man. We have 2 children under 3 years together and she has another son aged 9 from yet another previous man. I'm still pretty tender about it, as deep down I do love her. But her level of betrayal and the way she did it was unforgiveable. She's an ENTP and naturally went into a cycle of trying to justify it to me, herself and others .... but it doesn't change that what she did was wrong.
> 
> I went through a spell of wanting to kill the other guy .... I still do actually, regularly. Any time I stop and think about him it makes my blood boil. It makes it worse that she now wants him in MY kids lives  Now that IS a horrible horrible situation ... trust me. I wish she had only been a girlfriend as I would have told her where to go and been away. I don't have such an easy choice.
> 
> ...


She sounds terribly selfish and rest assured, the vast majority of women wouldn't act like that. She is also probably going to leave that other guy eventually too..


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## WolfStar (Aug 18, 2009)

People come and people go. Perhaps it is better that something of this nature happened now rather than many more years down the road. Be happy for the good times you had together and try to move on with no regrets.


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## redcarol57 (May 2, 2012)

Give yourself some time. In about a month you'll find yourself thinking about her less and less. Six months, you'll be saying "who?" and even forget some of the details of what she looks like. 

By that time, it'll probably bother her that you've moved on.


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## redmanXNTP (May 17, 2011)

wisdom said:


> The guy has visual evidence that she was cheating. He-said-she-said hardly applies. Revenge can easily be his, if he wants it.


You obviously missed this.

You're obsessed with revenge in a thread that involves a couple of other people who were cheated on.

Obviously you were cheated on too. Why don't you share your story here?


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## Ramysa (Mar 22, 2012)

WinklePlum said:


> well my friend showed me her facebook and my ex had pics with her and the guy kissing each other on the cheek and hugging before we broke up. so yeah she cheated on me


U really have to stop checking on her. It's gonna hurt u even more. It would be good for you if u would get as far as u can from her. I don't mean that u move, but Facebook and Skype .. whatever.. delete her. Forget abt her! And @Mendi the ISFJ is right! U gotta get distracted. Go out with friends! Have fun and most of all meet girls!! I know it doesn't sounds appealing right now but u gotta try, it will make u feel better. Also get busy so u won't think abt it much.


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## wisdom (Dec 31, 2008)

This is hardly personal (as in any one bad thing that happened to me). This is principle. People shouldn't be allowed to get away with brutally hurting others.


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## Anubis (Nov 30, 2011)

wisdom said:


> This is hardly personal (as in any one bad thing that happened to me). This is principle. People shouldn't be allowed to get away with brutally hurting others.


Dude, you may be trying to help but it's getting annoying. I don't need revenge OK?? hahaha


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## Anubis (Nov 30, 2011)

Ramysa said:


> U really have to stop checking on her. It's gonna hurt u even more. It would be good for you if u would get as far as u can from her. I don't mean that u move, but Facebook and Skype .. whatever.. delete her. Forget abt her! And @_Mendi the ISFJ_ is right! U gotta get distracted. Go out with friends! Have fun and most of all meet girls!! I know it doesn't sounds appealing right now but u gotta try, it will make u feel better. Also get busy so u won't think abt it much.


Thanks, I haven't checked on her or anything and yeah I've been pretty obsessed with my job and mountain biking and all that.


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## wisdom (Dec 31, 2008)

Fine. There was no update, so.... I hope the word gets out, though, regardless of a quick recovery.


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## cityofcircuits (Nov 8, 2010)

My advice and as yet no one mentioned it:

1. Don't get hammered on a nightly basis for an extended period of time over this.
2. Ik it hurts bad and than you can grow numb but don't get into wrist cutting just to feel something again
3. If you're angry, seriously work out. I became a gym rat lifting weights cuz of all my anger and jealousy. And it paid off in good ways 
4. Don't chill at home brewing over poisonous ideas of jealousy. Get out and do things, it helps. If you isolate yourself, your thoughts can really mess with you.

Time helps alot too. And so does another girlfriend.:tongue:


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## The Proof (Aug 5, 2009)

hey at least you found out she's a bitch now rather than much later

don't worry you'll be ok


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## Mr_Mug (Mar 19, 2012)

cityofcircuits said:


> My advice and as yet no one mentioned it:
> 
> 1. Don't get hammered on a nightly basis for an extended period of time over this.
> 2. Ik it hurts bad and than you can grow numb but don't get into wrist cutting just to feel something again
> ...


I agree with all of this - except the gym thing. Buts thats only because I'm too lazy  If I wasn't, I'd have been doing that too. 

At the start I spent a lot of time either drinking (with others in the pub & on my own at home) to the point where I'd get drunk every night of the week. I'd also spend a lot of time on my own (by withdrawing) thinking about it. What went wrong, what can I do to go back, what can I do to get revenge, how can I hurt her like she's hurt me so she really understands.

It took a while for me to actually accept it - WE ARE OVER. And actually, I am beginning to see now that it is probably the "break" I was looking for. It's not ideal and not how I wanted things to end up - but I still get to be a fun and loving Dad to my kids regularly but also now have a positive social life. I was always accountable before in a sense (which was fine, as relationships are about give & take) but now I am not. When I am not seeing my kids, my time is ENTIRELY mine. I'm loving it. I'm dating again and one particular "thing" seems to be moving very nicely. I know what mistakes not to repeat and I know what is best for me at this time. I'm finding it easy to concentrate again and I am sleeping much sounder. 

Maybe I will consider that gym lark, lol ;-)


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## dann (Feb 11, 2012)

That sucks man. The sad truth is 1) she's a ho and 2) you don't deserve her (not the other way around)


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