# Learning to love my wobbly bits and stuff.



## HollyGolightly (Aug 8, 2009)

For seventeen years I have tried to be perfect. I know logically the perfection does not exist, I have always known it. But I have never quite believed it. I always thought there was a possibility that I could be perfect. If I kept dieting I would be the perfect weight. If I pretended I was more extroverted I would have the perfect personality.

I am eighteen tomorrow. And I don't want to spend another eighteen years trying to achieve the impossible. I am not perfect. I'm a temperamental bitch. I'm painfully shy. I'm secretive. I'm a pain in the arse. But I wouldn't have me any other way because I have come to realise that I have good points too and it's okay to have flaws. I'm a very flawed person and I know there's room for improvement but to improve I would have to be someone else. And that wouldn't be fair as I wouldn't be staying true to me. And if I look at the bigger picture, I'm not that bad. I have a good heart. So although I might screw up sometimes it's not the end of the world.

What has always bothered me the most, right from very young, is my physical appearance. I've ne ver felt I was quiet enough. I've always hated my weight and I have been on far too many diets. I hated my nose. I've never met anybody with a nose like mine, so I thought that because it's different it must be wrong. I hated how you could probably fit a four-course meal on my arse. I hated my skin. I hated being so pale that I would cover it up with make-up and what not. I've actually wore make up since I was twelve, maybe slightly younger. I hated how my stomach wasn't flat and perfect. I hated my teeth. I have rather large front teeth that make me look a bit like a rabbit sometimes. And my boobs...well I hated how small they were and I really wanted to be bigger. Now I'm a D cup, like I always wanted. and I hate it. I feel that they are too noticeable now.

I sound like I'm putting myself down but I'm not. What I'm getting at is...I'm okay the way I am  I actually looked in the mirror this morning, and smiled. I've never done that before.

I like my flaws, almost as much as I like my qualities. Because they make me who I am, and I'm actually not that bad.


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## Seducer of the Homeless (Jun 14, 2009)

amen

seriously, thank you very much for this blog post. i relate totally, particularly the 'try to be perfect, and ending up being someone else'. i think we all have to come to terms that all of our flaws exist /because/ of our good qualities,a side-effect. for example, i can be stubborn, but this is a side product of free-thought, which i value greatly. without our flaws we would be lacking in what previously made us special and valuable.


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## PeacePassion (Jun 9, 2009)

Happy Birthday in advance  

And I'm glad you're smiling! I think as Seducer says even our flaws have their positive sides, ironically. It's good to have ideals to strive for, but it's equally important to accept yourself and enjoy the process as much as possible, though I think we're all always working on that part!


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## snail (Oct 13, 2008)

Yay for self-acceptance! *hugs*


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## HollyGolightly (Aug 8, 2009)

LOL I'm getting there. 17 years, well 18 years of self-loathing isn't going to totally go away. I still have body issues but something has just clicked and I don't feel the need to scrutinise myself as much anymore.


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## snail (Oct 13, 2008)

I'm finding that just being here is therapeutic, as long as I am around others who accept me. You seemed really cute in your video.


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## roxtehproxy (Sep 9, 2009)

Who cares, just go out and celebrate your birthday--Do something with your peers. Self-acceptance is the key, my good friend. Happy Birthday, not to mention. What did you get today?


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## snail (Oct 13, 2008)

Oh yeah, I forgot to say happy birthday. I'd sing it for you if I were there in person, and I'd give you a massive cake that didn't look like a roll of toilet paper with feces. (Even though I will admit that I found the image amusing.)


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## decided (May 17, 2009)

Peace in the struggle to find peace
Comfort on the way to comfort

(Your post reminded me of these lyrics from Sarah MacLachlan's 'Fumbling Towards Ecstacy') )

PS - Happy birthday!


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## Blueguardian (Aug 22, 2009)

~~~Happy Birthday!~~~ Though I think you already know that  *Ahem* You look fine and you are a totally cool person! If there is any thought left in your mind, Total perfection isn't possible because its subjective, and conflicts with itself. If you ever feel bad about anything you know I am all ears (eyes I guess). I'll elaborate more on msn if you want... just not right now. Getting rdy for class.


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## Femme (Jul 12, 2009)

The timing of your realization couldn't have been more fitting; happy birthday, Holly.


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