# Sologamous Wedding



## Sidhe Draoi (Nov 25, 2016)

I'm basically asexual, or incredibly low libido which amounts to the same thing, but I love the idea of romance a lot. The problem is no matter how much I dated, no one was willing to commit to me.

Today I was browsing through Facebook, and discovered there was a celebrity that identified as sologamous and had married herself.

I've bought myself an engagement ring, so I thought today being Valentine's Day, its a great opportunity to decide to really go through with it, and make an announcement that I'm going to marry myself.

I'm very serious and excited about this. It means even though I'm single, I can still get to have the wedding I've always dreamed of.

I've already been very focused on self-love and putting myself first, so this is perfect for my circumstances.

Im making a few ground rules for this thread.
1. No groundless assumptions
2. No unsolicited advice, which in this thread, is any kind of advice.
3. Stay on the topic of sologamous weddings.


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## attic (May 20, 2012)

Congratulations!
That sounds like a very nice idea, the promise and the ritual can be what you decide about it.


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## Who'sWho (Dec 22, 2020)

I feel like you came here strictly for positive reinforcement, but I would advise you against it. I'm not a dominant Fi user, so I know I do not function in the way you do, and this seems like you are type 4 in enneagram, which I am not... but I would highly suggest against it. This seems like a prelude to a mental breakdown. If I am incorrect, you have my sincere apology.

This is how I see it - marriage is universally perceived as special because in it we transcend our own self by dedicating our life to another. The other person does the same for us. Also, at least traditionally, we transcend our selves further by raising children in our marriege. All of that makes marriage special. Not a single culture of humans ever had solo weddings, if you don't count "weddings" that spiritual leaders go through, when they wed themselves to God. If you remove that aspect of transcendence, of giving yourself for another, what remains is an outer shell stripped of its living essence.

All the best wishes to you. I don't have a single thing against you. This is my advice.


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

I've always liked the idea of marriage, in part, because of the party and the pretty dress--so I think marrying yourself seems like a good solution for that. (As a child, I always wanted to be the flower girl, but never got to--so perhaps that's part of it. I want to throw fucking flowers at people and I don't have any other outlet for it.)

I already do commit to myself (or I have before) with a ring and such, privately. I mean, no one I've met has been able to match my taste in jewelry, so I buy most of my own jewelry rather than be disappointed by other people's lack of taste (though I'd be super impressed if a guy was able to at least roughly guess my taste in jewelry for once).

I know this isn't what you're talking about--as you are talking about something more serious and less superficial, but that's why I like the idea of it. B/c I want to wear a wedding dress one day! I just don't know if I'll find someone to marry? But that shouldn't stop me? lol

I think it sounds like it'd be a good party, which is what a wedding usually is (hopefully). Most marriages suck anyway, from what I've observed. A marriage with one's self would probably be more likely to succeed (so long as you are allowed to have relationships with other people? If you like romance?)

I also apologize if I sound superficial or am reducing the meaning--it's just I don't think I'm alone as a child imagining up a wedding and dreaming of all these things, and it was mostly about the ceremony and the dress, the party, the flowers etc. So for myself, that's always been a dream, though the idea of being legally bound to someone has always been a bit more...like I'm not sure about it? But then my mother and father were never married, so maybe I don't understand why people get married aside from the ceremony and the beauty of the event. : /

People have children out of wedlock. People are committed to each other out of wedlock. Marriage is mostly legal imo and it is important b/c the spouse and children should be protected from poverty, but...I guess I see a disconnect between that legal, the cultural, and the romantic. I don't care about the legal part anymore as I am not planning to have children and I've never wanted to marry for money anyway. Hm. Idunno. I apologize for my ignorance though b/c I don't know much about what you are talking about. 

I believe that spiritually, you absolutely should make a commitment to honor yourself, to be true to yourself, to treat yourself right and to love yourself. I think it can be very powerful and the only reason I wouldn't do it is b/c I am not much of a party planner--I simply wouldn't do it in public. 

I've already done that sort of thing in private though. To me there also isn't a conflict between being true to yourself, loving yourself, honoring yourself--and also being true to another, loving another, honoring another etc. So I see no real problem with any of it.

That being said, I'm sure I've never been cut out for the traditional Christian wedding with the perfect life and the white picket fence--I think I lost claim to that by being born out of wedlock. So fuck their claim to it. Most of those marriages sound horrible anyway.

I also want to rant: I may not be interested in marrying for money, but sure I will take that legal right or whatever through marriage. But if someone is really so clingy over their money and they think I'm going to steal half of it, then they aren't worth being in a non-married relationship with imo, so it's sort of a catch-22. I am a pretty generous person and I give without expecting in return, most of the time. So I am also not trying to say "no one should ever marry because it's a legal contract." Honestly, if someone is that paranoid about their own resources, they probably should just pay prostitutes instead of trying to have a meaningful relationship. So, while this rant is getting more and more nonsensical and convoluted, I just wanted to clarify that. I also am not cool with people using my reasoning to be against marriage, because they are probably selfish, stingy pricks and not worth being in a relationship with (if you are a generally empathetic or generous partner).

Um...now I'm going to stop ranting and actually look up "sologamous wedding" so I'm not totally ignorant about it.


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## islandlight (Aug 13, 2013)

Sure, why not? Best wishes to you.


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

As someone who supports unharmful adult consensual freedoms, if this is what you really want to do, then do it! Good luck and congratulations. 🙂


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## Sidhe Draoi (Nov 25, 2016)

Who'sWho said:


> I feel like you came here strictly for positive reinforcement, but I would advise you against it. I'm not a dominant Fi user, so I know I do not function in the way you do, and this seems like you are type 4 in enneagram, which I am not... but I would highly suggest against it. This seems like a prelude to a mental breakdown. If I am incorrect, you have my sincere apology.
> 
> This is how I see it - marriage is universally perceived as special because in it we transcend our own self by dedicating our life to another. The other person does the same for us. Also, at least traditionally, we transcend our selves further by raising children in our marriege. All of that makes marriage special. Not a single culture of humans ever had solo weddings, if you don't count "weddings" that spiritual leaders go through, when they wed themselves to God. If you remove that aspect of transcendence, of giving yourself for another, what remains is an outer shell stripped of its living essence.
> 
> All the best wishes to you. I don't have a single thing against you. This is my advice.


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

islandlight said:


> Sure, why not? Best wishes to you.


What a great ted talk!


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## Rift (Mar 12, 2012)

WickerDeer said:


> (As a child, I always wanted to be the flower girl, but never got to--so perhaps that's part of it. I want to throw fucking flowers at people and I don't have any other outlet for it.)


flower gun + high speed vehicle

concerts & award events

depressed and lonely people, family events & holidays, or everyone that comes here looking for wuv and just randomly throwing petals in their faces. go the extra mile and write little notes on them. more than s/he will, s/he won't

bees


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## Who'sWho (Dec 22, 2020)

@Sidhe Draoi

To continue with my honesty - *if, and only if* your version of the story is truthful I would say you are getting used by this guy. Even if he has _some_ feelings for you, they are not comparable to yours. So I wouldn't wait for him.

Sending best wishes once more, I hope you have more luck in love in the future.


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## eeo (Aug 25, 2020)

Yup. Wouldn't waste time waiting for this guy. If he wanted to be with you he would be already, no matter what those complications are. Letting people believe you're his crazy stalker...zero love or respect there. You can try and rationalize his behavior, but does he really want to be with you?

But if a sologamous wedding is what it takes to find your balance, what *you *want and need, then I'm all for that.



Who'sWho said:


> This is how I see it - marriage is universally perceived as special because in it we transcend our own self by dedicating our life to another. The other person does the same for us. Also, at least traditionally, we transcend our selves further by raising children in our marriege. All of that makes marriage special. Not a single culture of humans ever had solo weddings, if you don't count "weddings" that spiritual leaders go through, when they wed themselves to God. If you remove that aspect of transcendence, of giving yourself for another, what remains is an outer shell stripped of its living essence.


Well, maybe the desire and need has always been there for some people, but the courage to act on it with a public celebration without the fear of stigma and being left outcast has only just arrived now. The number of single-person households is increasing every year, many of the singles are not looking for a relationship at all. The times are changing. I'd imagine that every human being who has made the decision to remain single/never enter into a relationship throughout history has already done their equivalent of a solo wedding in their mind.

I've always kind of thought that what I have inside is the living essence. What I have to give doesn't just happen when I decide to give or when somebody to give it to appears. So, being likened to an empty shell just because I've decided to live my life differently doesn't really sit well with me. 

These spiritual leaders are still giving themselves to God, they're dedicating their life to something they believe exists outside of themselves as well. In a traditional marriage, you'd give to and receive from a partner. If you dedicate your life to yourself, you'll be giving to and receiving from yourself. It's unconventional, but it's as special as any marriage. There can be transcendence in that as well, within yourself, and you're also rising above these outside universal perceptions about couples, marriage, nuclear families, etc. But, as with any marriage, there has to be balance. I get what you're saying about mental breakdown - it's about expectations not meeting reality. That can certainly happen with a traditional marriage as well - marital breakdown can happen when one of the partners isn't pulling their weight. And it's the same with yourself. if you can't find the balance between giving and receiving what you want and need from yourself, it's going to be very difficult to bear.


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## Flabarac Brupip (May 9, 2020)

Idk. Maybe I'm just thinking like a "boring", "normal" sensor, but this idea just seems _weird_ and very empty of meaning and substance. I guess I just don't get it. It might have a lot to do with the fact that I'm such a sx-dom. Sorry to be negative, but you're probably gonna have to get used to people's reactions to this anyways.


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## Sidhe Draoi (Nov 25, 2016)




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## Who'sWho (Dec 22, 2020)

eeo said:


> Well, maybe the desire and need has always been there for some people, but the courage to act on it with a public celebration without the fear of stigma and being left outcast has only just arrived now. The number of single-person households is increasing every year, many of the singles are not looking for a relationship at all. The times are changing. I'd imagine that every human being who has made the decision to remain single/never enter into a relationship throughout history has already done their equivalent of a solo wedding in their mind.
> 
> I've always kind of thought that what I have inside is the living essence. What I have to give doesn't just happen when I decide to give or when somebody to give it to appears. So, being likened to an empty shell just because I've decided to live my life differently doesn't really sit well with me.
> 
> These spiritual leaders are still giving themselves to God, they're dedicating their life to something they believe exists outside of themselves as well. In a traditional marriage, you'd give to and receive from a partner. If you dedicate your life to yourself, you'll be giving to and receiving from yourself. It's unconventional, but it's as special as any marriage. There can be transcendence in that as well, within yourself, and you're also rising above these outside universal perceptions about couples, marriage, nuclear families, etc. But, as with any marriage, there has to be balance. I get what you're saying about mental breakdown - it's about expectations not meeting reality. That can certainly happen with a traditional marriage as well - marital breakdown can happen when one of the partners isn't pulling their weight. And it's the same with yourself. if you can't find the balance between giving and receiving what you want and need from yourself, it's going to be very difficult to bear.


Before I start, I must make it clear I won't be making another reply after this, so don't expect one.

1) Ok, so first quickly lets adress your "maybe x, maybe y", yeah. "Maybe". It's just an unsupstantiated claim. History of philosophy, religion and art... nothing points to this, nothing I ever heard of. If you find some example, pls share it with me. If anything - all I know points to an opposite conculsion - that this is the first century such a thing was seriously considered by people, becuase this is the first society that has ever praised this kind of an act. So, as people say - your extraordinary claim requires some evidence.

2) It's true that society is changing. It's also true that many people live alone and are not even looking for a partner. That's an explanation *why *some people even end up supporting and wanting this. But it is not a reason why one *should *do it. Same as surviving abuse is an explanation *why *some people start using drugs, but not a reason why they *should *start using drugs.

3) Wedding to God is traditional and totally fine, some variation of that ritual exist in most cultures. Ultimately, it's even more transcendental than this earthly marriage, because it entails celibacy, or a renunciation of a selfish part of every marriage - that is - wanting to secure reliable sexual pleasure for themselves. So you misunderstand if you thought I was looking at it as something lesser.

4) It's not possible to give yourself to yourself. That's like saying you are giving charity when you buy yourself a drink - sorry, but you just bought a drink, nothing more.

5) You are correct - the only "transcendence" that is actually happening here is "trancendence" of conventions of the dominant culture. But one must answer first is some act good in itself or bad in itself. If it is good, then such an act, even if it goes againt the dominant culture is good and you are transcending. If such an act is bad, then it is not called transcendence, it's called destructive subversion. Something cannot be in itself good just because it is unconvetional. But, if you ask me, sologamy is neither transcendence nor subversion per se. It's a new social construct of western liberal women who support each other in exploratory lifestyles without much consideration of further consequence.

6) I didn't say you are an empty shell. I repeat, I didn't say that. And I don't think that. I said that _marriage is an empty shell_, if it is stripped of this quality of transcendence. It's like a beer without alchohol, or maybe my favorite - a "pumpkin seeds latte" without caffeine. Only a simulation, a semblence.

Latte is coffee, which is drinked all around the world because of caffeine. Next, that "latte" doesn't even have pumpkin seeds in it, but just a _flavor_, a _semblance_ of pumpkin. So it's doubly artificial. More so if you drink it in "pumpkin season". This artificial drink should never be called pumpkin seeds latte.

This is how I see sologamous marriage. As a semblence of marriage, with all the flowers and the ceremony and the ring, but without it's essence. Instead of it's essence, all you get is a sense of accomplishment for defying convention, accompanied by enjoyment in semblance, which is nothing but illusion.

7) I agree with what you've said at the end part, about how conventional marriages often aren't a source of joy to begin with, and aren't what they are supposed to be. I agree.

@Sidhe Draoi, I'll be removing myself from this thread.


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## Sidhe Draoi (Nov 25, 2016)

Manific said:


> What is a perfect country for such weddings, what do you think?


Id love to have mine in Ireland. ^^


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## Sidhe Draoi (Nov 25, 2016)

Ock said:


> Idk. Maybe I'm just thinking like a "boring", "normal" sensor, but this idea just seems _weird_ and very empty of meaning and substance. I guess I just don't get it. It might have a lot to do with the fact that I'm such a sx-dom. Sorry to be negative, but you're probably gonna have to get used to people's reactions to this anyways.


I have to admit, I watched a video about it, and felt very awkward, but I still think theres meaning and substance to it.
Maybe for someone who struggles to figure out who/what to dedicate their time/energy to, like me, it can be something with substance, because it gives me a powerful memory to think back to to remind myself that I made a promise to myself in front of everyone.
Maybe its unnecessary, to some extent, but when no one has been willing to commit to me, I can still enjoy a wedding this way.
Marriage has kind of become a rite of passage so sometimes it feels like somethings missing.


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## Sidhe Draoi (Nov 25, 2016)

I dont think anyone will show up, except MAYBE some family members, so it might just be me and a -officiant- and a photographer.
but I did invite whoever felt like turning up.

Im sure itll be sort of awkward, but is it really any more weird than becoming a nun?



> It is indeed permissible for nuns to get married, but not in the way that you are thinking. When joining a cloister, they do vow themselves to God. They actually make this vow in a ceremony which is very similar, but just not quite an actual wedding.


This article doesnt seem like the most reliable source for it, but the above quote is from here:








The secretive life of nuns and the many rules they have to follow | KiwiReport


We've seen them in movies and television shows - even saw them on Broadway, but how much do we really know about the real lives of nuns?




www.kiwireport.com


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## Rift (Mar 12, 2012)

breaking rules

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Whale Cove, Cape Breton Island, NS


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## Rift (Mar 12, 2012)

Craving Freedom, Japan’s Women Opt Out of Marriage - The New York Tim…


archived 20 Aug 2019 17:54:19 UTC




archive.vn













Is There Really Any Value in 'Marrying' Yourself?


It's called sologamy, and it's become increasingly popular.




www.glamour.com













What Is a Self-Marriage Ceremony and Should You Have One?


The ultimate guide to solo weddings is here. Read about the rise of sologamy, the purpose of solo weddings, and how to throw your own ceremony.




www.brides.com













My failed attempts at online dating drove me to marry myself (and it's a hot trend among millennials)


What on earth is sologamy?




www.glamourmagazine.co.uk













It’s finally time to say ‘I don’t’ to the solo wedding craze


Getting married to yourself – sologamy – may be a chance for a great party. But think about it for a minute and your heart will break, says Eva Wiseman




www.theguardian.com


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## eeo (Aug 25, 2020)

> 1) Ok, so first quickly lets adress your "maybe x, maybe y", yeah. "Maybe". It's just an unsupstantiated claim. History of philosophy, religion and art... nothing points to this, nothing I ever heard of. If you find some example, pls share it with me. If anything - all I know points to an opposite conculsion - that this is the first century such a thing was seriously considered by people, becuase this is the first society that has ever praised this kind of an act. So, as people say - your extraordinary claim requires some evidence.


"Maybe" is not a claim at all. It's just a supposition, a thought on possibilities of human thoughts and desires. You're expecting to find concrete evidence of solo weddings in history. I was talking about a mindset that could connect the loners, the hermits (granted, they're doing it for religious reasons), possibly misanthropes, people talking about self-love, and all the rest with a similar lifestyle and desires of finding a way to being happy with themselves, by themselves, finding what they need from within themselves and not relying on others for it.

Another thing is that people who have had sologamous weddings don't necessarily want to be loners who never have contact with others, they can do whatever they want, even have traditional marriages. The way I'm understanding it is the reason for self-marriage is the desire to value themselves and their needs, something that probably wasn't their priority before and once they've realized that it's important for them. Self-weddings are a personal lifestyle choice reflecting that mindset. Not everybody needs or wants a ceremony to celebrate that realization, but it's important to some people because it marks a concrete milestone for change they needed.

It's also mixed with self-reflection and self-actualization. Now this is a theme that has been portrayed in history, art, literature, etc. They're not calling this a marriage to oneself, obviously, but it does resemble the kind of mindset that people wanting to go through with sologamous weddings are having now.



> 4) It's not possible to give yourself to yourself. That's like saying you are giving charity when you buy yourself a drink - sorry, but you just bought a drink, nothing more.


It's dedicating yourself to yourself, not giving. And it connects with the ideas of self-reflection, self-actualization, self-acceptance, valuing yourself, reassuring yourself that you're worthy of your own love for yourself. Sologamy might be a newly coined term and practice, but the reasons behind it are not new.



> 5) You are correct - the only "transcendence" that is actually happening here is "trancendence" of conventions of the dominant culture. But one must answer first is some act good in itself or bad in itself. If it is good, then such an act, even if it goes againt the dominant culture is good and you are transcending. If such an act is bad, then it is not called transcendence, it's called destructive subversion. Something cannot be in itself good just because it is unconvetional. But, if you ask me, sologamy is neither transcendence nor subversion per se. It's a new social construct of western liberal women who support each other in exploratory lifestyles without much consideration of further consequence.


What you wrote about marriage before was a highly romanticized version of it, calling its essence transcendental. And I agree, it should be like that in an ideal world. But I see marriage to oneself a similar kind of idealized notion. It's not only about giving the middle finger to cultural conventions, it's more deeply personal than that. And it's not only women who want to do it, it might be more common for women, but it's men as well.


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