# How to compliment a SJ



## EidolonAlpha (Aug 11, 2014)

Hello guys!
Could you please help out a socially crippled INTP? Everyone in my family except me is SJ and of the few
friends I have, about the half of them are SJ's as well. The problem is, I know how to make them upset, angry
or sad just by using a handfull words (most of the time _not_ by intention), but when I try to make them feel
good, cheer them up or console them, I fail miserably. I just don't know what to say to them in order to make them feel better and it's very frustrating, because they think, I'm not happy with what they achieved, even though I really am. Usually.

So here's the actual question/request:

*What could I say to you to make you happy?*

(Please note if you're ISFJ, ESFJ, ISTJ or ESTJ.)

Thanks!


----------



## jcal (Oct 31, 2013)

Just talking about me... 

Compliment: "Hey... I like that!" or just "Nice!" is sufficient, then just drop it. If it's for something I did, a simple "Thanks" or even just a quiet nod is sufficient. I see most of what I do as "just doing my job", and that doesn't deserve a compliment or effusive praise because there is nothing special about it in my mind. Making a big deal of it is seen by me as an indication that I'm not doing enough the rest of time since this apparently stood out so much to you.

Consolation: DO NOT try to get me to talk about it. JUST. DON'T. EVER. There is absolutely no way I can talk about it until I can make some logical sense of whatever it is. I can neither talk about it nor put it behind me until I do. Not because I want to wallow in it, but for the simple reason that I cannot communicate what I'm feeling until can frame the problem in my own mind. Just tell me "Let me know if you need anything" and then drop it. That let's me know that once I figure out the cause of the problem, I can count on you to help me fix it.


----------



## niss (Apr 25, 2010)

Keep it simple and low key.


----------



## Coburn (Sep 3, 2010)




----------



## Retsu (Aug 12, 2011)

Maybe I'll take this thread seriously one day
But seriously, just tell us we're helpful. AND PRETTY!!!!!!!!!


----------



## niss (Apr 25, 2010)

Retsu said:


> But seriously, just tell us we're helpful. *AND PRETTY!!!!!!!!!*


Umm...yeah. That isn't working for me, so much.


----------



## Coburn (Sep 3, 2010)

niss said:


> Umm...yeah. That isn't working for me, so much.


Actually, niss, I'd been meaning to tell you...


----------



## Retsu (Aug 12, 2011)

niss said:


> Umm...yeah. That isn't working for me, so much.





Dumaresq said:


> Actually, niss, I'd been meaning to tell you...


OTP plz.


----------



## niss (Apr 25, 2010)

Dumaresq said:


> Actually, niss, I'd been meaning to tell you...


Ha! Flattery must be sincere to be effective. 



Retsu said:


> OTP plz.


Quitcherwhinin'


----------



## Coburn (Sep 3, 2010)

niss said:


> Ha! Flattery must be sincere to be effective.


 I take it you've never met a politician, then.


----------



## donkeybals (Jan 13, 2011)

Compliment an SJ? :shocked:

kidding


----------



## Coburn (Sep 3, 2010)

donkeybals said:


> Compliment an SJ? :shocked:


Complimenting SJs is actually illegal in 34 states, as it is considered a form of torture. 

I recommend you consult state laws before passing out a compliment to any known SJ figure.


----------



## donkeybals (Jan 13, 2011)

34 only damn this should be federal law! Okay, going too far, I will stop now.


----------



## jamaix (Sep 20, 2013)

A simple acknowledgement is enough for me and then let it go. I actually get embarrassed and it becomes awkward if someone makes too much of it.


----------



## Sangoire (Oct 9, 2013)

jcal said:


> Just talking about me...
> 
> Compliment: "Hey... I like that!" or just "Nice!" is sufficient, then just drop it. If it's for something I did, a simple "Thanks" or even just a quiet nod is sufficient. I see most of what I do as "just doing my job", and that doesn't deserve a compliment or effusive praise because there is nothing special about it in my mind. Making a big deal of it is seen by me as an indication that I'm not doing enough the rest of time since this apparently stood out so much to you.
> 
> Consolation: DO NOT try to get me to talk about it. JUST. DON'T. EVER. There is absolutely no way I can talk about it until I can make some logical sense of whatever it is. I can neither talk about it nor put it behind me until I do. Not because I want to wallow in it, but for the simple reason that I cannot communicate what I'm feeling until can frame the problem in my own mind. Just tell me "Let me know if you need anything" and then drop it. That let's me know that once I figure out the cause of the problem, I can count on you to help me fix it.


Thanks for this... I have an ISFJ Mum, 2× ISTJ friend, 3× ISFJ friends and a few ISTJ direct reports... I have noticed that I have to be careful not to be effusive with my thanks or praise (and never ever in public... made that mistake once and yikes!!)
However none of them have been willing/able to say why beyond "it makes me uncomfortable".

It used to make me sad and hurt when they rejected my praise... like they were rejecting me but since finding MBTI I have realised that it is simply a different perspective that I must respect.


----------



## niss (Apr 25, 2010)

Sangoire said:


> Thanks for this... I have an ISFJ Mum, 2× ISTJ friend, 3× ISFJ friends and a few ISTJ direct reports... I have noticed that I have to be careful not to be effusive with my thanks or praise (and never ever in public... made that mistake once and yikes!!)
> However none of them have been willing/able to say why beyond "it makes me uncomfortable".
> 
> It used to make me sad and hurt when they rejected my praise... like they were rejecting me but since finding MBTI I have realised that it is simply a different perspective that I must respect.


This is a two-edged sword, in that everyone tends to try to show thanks and appreciation in the manner in which they personally like to receive thanks and appreciation.

I like low-key, heart-felt thanks given one on one, or in a small group setting. I absolutely hate/destest/abhor praise in front of a large group/public setting. Hate it with a passion. I am looking for authenticity and real connection when thanks are given, which is something impossible to achieve in a large group. It feels trite and obligatory - neither of which does it for me.

SWMBO likes to be showered with praise and recognized publicly. It feels like connection and love to her from all those around.

We've both had to make concessions in this area. :crazy:


----------



## jcal (Oct 31, 2013)

Sangoire said:


> ...and never ever in public... made that mistake once and yikes!!





niss said:


> ...I absolutely hate/destest/abhor praise in front of a large group/public setting. Hate it with a passion. I am looking for authenticity and real connection when thanks are given, which is something impossible to achieve in a large group. It feels trite and obligatory - neither of which does it for me.


I didn't specifically mention the public aspect, but this is definitely true for me as well. There's the authenticity aspect that Niss mentioned, but I also very much dislike being the center of attention under any circumstance. I believe this is mostly because I know that my (typically ISTJ) tempered response/reaction is likely to be misinterpreted by others. I don't like that feeling of being expected to make some kind of gushing response that will never come naturally to me. For this reason, I also despise having to open gifts in a group setting.


----------



## niss (Apr 25, 2010)

jcal said:


> I do not like that feeling of being expected to make some kind of gushing response that will never come naturally to me. For this reason I also despise having to open gifts in a group setting.


This is true of me, too. One of the primary reasons that I dislike gift holidays.


----------



## jamaix (Sep 20, 2013)

jcal said:


> I also very much dislike being the center of attention under any circumstance. I believe this is mostly because I know that my very (typically ISTJ) tempered response/reaction is very likely to be misinterpreted by others. I do not like that feeling of being expected to make some kind of gushing response that will never come naturally to me.


I tend to be a bit too blunt. I don't mean to be, but it just comes out that way. I have heard more than once this phrase, "Now, tell us what you really think." When put on the spot, in front of many, my filters don't have adequate time to kick in. I am also not good at faking enthusiasm when I don't really feel it. For instance receiving a gift that I don't have a clue what I'm going to do with and then trying to act like it is the best thing ever. With all eyes on you this is a set up for failure.


----------



## AllyKat (Jan 24, 2014)

niss said:


> I like low-key, heart-felt thanks given one on one, or in a small group setting. I absolutely hate/destest/abhor praise in front of a large group/public setting. Hate it with a passion. I am looking for authenticity and real connection when thanks are given, which is something impossible to achieve in a large group. It feels trite and obligatory - neither of which does it for me.


When I was, about 9 probably, at primary school they used to have an assembly last thing on a Friday afternoon (hang on, I can work this out, I was 10) where they'd highlight one of the kids for being good or worthy of praise that week. If you got picked you had to stand up in front of everyone while the teacher said how brilliant you were etc. 

So this particular Friday in question, it was my birthday, but I wasn't bothered about having a fuss made so I'd not thought to mention it to the other kids. It wasn't like when you were really small, like 5 or 6, where they'd always make a big deal and keep a record of birthdays then give you sweets as a gift or whatever which was kinda nice when it was your turn. But by this time it wasn't a big deal to me. Anyway, at some point later in the day one of the other kids (who knew) mentioned it and there was this thing about "why didn't you say anything?" and I was thinking, what does it matter, just leave me alone and wasn't saying a word (much quieter back then than now). 

Anyway, when it came to the assembly I recall quite clearly the teacher choosing me as the kid to stand up and making a big deal that it was my birthday and that I hadn't told anyone and somehow this was deserving of this 'reward'. In between my confusion and plotting to put gagging orders on my loud mouthed friends (!), I learnt that sometimes people do (what appears to be) horrible things believing that it's an act of kindness. I'm still not sure how 'not wanting a fuss made' is worthy of any reward, however. 

***​
I really don't know how to take compliments though. People always seem to be expecting something more than "Thanks" or "Just doing my job" or "Just doing my job" sounds like you're being sarcastic or ungrateful. Just a quiet word of appreciation is sufficient, and know I won't forget it.


----------



## Amaryllis (Mar 14, 2014)

Not an SJ, but I've been around a few. You could tell them that you are happy to be able to rely on them, that you are happy that they are around to care about your wellbeing. Most SJs I've met have always been really reliable and trustworthy about responsabilities, and that's always been a relief for me who can get stressed easily about this kind of stuff.
They may not react much to it, but at least they'll know that you appreciate the efforts they make for you, and that might make them feel happy too.


----------



## Jordgubb (Oct 5, 2013)

Be sincere and get to the point. My INTJ father is the only one that can usually complement me without over kill. He says "thanks for (fill in the blank), I appreciate it." I then make a sarcastic comment back and we laugh. 

My enfp husband make me suspicious when he compliments me because it's overkill.


----------

