# Have you had an abortion?



## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

My mom had an abortion before I was born. I wouldn't recommend telling one's child this, but she said that she couldn't bare to have the guilt of aborting another child and so that's why she had me. Then she got her tubes tied in the hospital right after she delivered me. (I mean, I can understand but she could have sugar coated it a little lol.)

I also know the conditions in which the other child would have been born were really bad. The man she was with had kicked her in the nose and broken it. 

I think every child deserves to feel as if they were chosen. I also don't think abortion is close to an easy choice and I trust the woman's judgement is best. I think it's one of the biggest reasons I am pro-choice.

I've not had an abortion.


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## Playful Proxy (Feb 6, 2012)

AesSidhe said:


> I was almost aborted myself


I almost was too! (though to be fair, I sometimes wished I were)


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## stiletto (Oct 26, 2013)

bethdeth said:


> I've cleaned up in here after a derail. So I ask that people keep to the intended topic without crusades, debates, judgement. Thanks.


Thank you. I appreciate the moderation. I just wanted to say that he has approached me with his post question in private message format and I have chosen to answer it if he proceeds respectfully. I truly meant what I said when people have genuine questions about it as long as there isn't loaded language or an alternative agenda when they ask.

Reproductive rights and my experience with abortions are both very important subjects to me and I really appreciate that @Wellsy has started this dialogue and that moderators are able to help with keeping the conversation respectful.

So, to keep on topic, I'd also like to add that although I went through a natural grieving process, my husband did too in his own way. So if there are men who would like to dialogue, I can try my best to describe and talk about how he handled it as well.


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## Fern (Sep 2, 2012)

AesSidhe said:


> I was almost aborted myself


I read this as "I almost aborted myself" ...


That's some _Back to the Future _shit right there.





Playful Proxy said:


> I almost was too! (though to be fair, I sometimes wished I were)



Please, do not say such things!


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## AesSidhe (Dec 14, 2014)

Fern said:


> I read this as "I almost aborted myself" ...
> 
> 
> That's some _Back to the Future _shit right there.
> ...


Can I also have that hug? I might have turned my whole life around for the positive, but most of my life I felt like Proxy


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## Fern (Sep 2, 2012)

AesSidhe said:


> Can I also have that hug? I might have turned my whole life around for the positive, but most of my life I felt like Proxy


Oh, of course! All of the hugs!


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## Jeremy8419 (Mar 2, 2015)

I'm a male, and I have not conceived any children, at least that I know of.

That said, I hold myself responsible for two abortions.

The first was a friend and his girlfriend, who needed a ride 100 miles away, had already cancelled twice, and this was the last day they could do it before the baby was too old. I was their only option. I drove them, and thought about saying "no" the entire drive. She had the abortion. I told myself that I would not have anything to do with an abortion again.

The second was when an ex cheated on me, left me, got pregnant by the guy, then stopped seeing the guy, and asked me to take her to get an abortion. I would not have, normally; however, given the situation that it was conceived, I had malice. I drove her, paid for the abortion, and let her recover at my apartment. Days later, I realized that there was no "help" to the matter. I did not contribute to situation out of desire to help her, but rather because it was conceived during an act of personal betrayal and was considered an abomination to me.

The first was my cowardice. The second was my wrath.

I do believe abortion is wrong, and I do believe that it is killing a child, and I believe it is murder. I often think about how a life is judged by rather it brings more light to the world than it takes away. I do not know how I could ever replace those two lights, and I think about it now and again. It has affected me deeply and will continue to do so for the rest of my life. I do not know how the mothers feel about it now, and I don't believe I will ever ask them.


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## Jeremy8419 (Mar 2, 2015)

Well, carrying a child means having to spend money to care for yourself while carrying it, as it is more expensive. There is also the inability to work during the third trimester. There are also the hospital bills.
There are people who will pay all the expenses on the condition that they adopt the child at birth, and thus get as much of the full experience as possible. However, there are more unwanted pregnancies in the lower social classes, which also tend to have issues of knowing the biological father (important for adopters, for health checks), drugs, illnesses, etc.
Not exactly the real point of the thread, though.


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## Children Of The Bad Revolution (Oct 8, 2013)

I had a date ask me if I've had one yesterday. Like.............
:dry:


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## stiletto (Oct 26, 2013)

Jeremy8419 said:


> I'm a male, and I have not conceived any children, at least that I know of.
> 
> That said, I hold myself responsible for two abortions.
> 
> ...


Thank you for sharing your experience. Although I do not agree with your beliefs, it must be very painful to have that guilt from holding yourself responsible.


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## Playful Proxy (Feb 6, 2012)

Children Of The Bad Revolution said:


> I had a date ask me if I've had one yesterday. Like.............
> :dry:


How....what?


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## Children Of The Bad Revolution (Oct 8, 2013)

Playful Proxy said:


> How....what?


Ya....we were debating lots of subjects and I said that men will never have to get one, which is true and he was like, 'well have you had one?'

bye felicia


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## stiletto (Oct 26, 2013)

Children Of The Bad Revolution said:


> Ya....we were debating lots of subjects and I said that men will never have to get one, which is true and he was like, 'well have you had one?'
> 
> bye felicia


Huh? This is not a debate.


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## Children Of The Bad Revolution (Oct 8, 2013)

stiletto said:


> Huh? This is not a debate.


What do you mean?

I mean we were talking about it and I had said that and he asked me that. I think people think they have some kind of right to pry into such a personal topic is what I'm trying to get at? Idk..


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## stiletto (Oct 26, 2013)

Children Of The Bad Revolution said:


> What do you mean?
> 
> I mean we were talking about it and I had said that and he asked me that. I think people think they have some kind of right to pry into such a personal topic is what I'm trying to get at? Idk..


OH! Okay! Holy, I couldn't understand the context of what you were saying. I apologize.

She went on a date yesterday, and the man asked her if she's ever had an abortion.They got into a debate and she didn't think that it was appropriate for the man to pry into such a personal topic (especially on a first date).


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## Necrilia (Jun 26, 2011)

Everyone can have their own beliefs, but as long as those beliefs aren't harming anyone around them, psychologically, not to mention physically - it's fine.

@*Children Of The Bad Revolution*

If you ever end up debating with a potential partner about abortion - give up on him. That's not a man who would respect your body, human rights and choices. 
I've started ignoring people who try to push their beliefs about abortion into other people, especially if those are males trying to make me change my beliefs.

To such people:

It's futile. Go on, cry about it and just give up. I don't care. Other people with different beliefs don't care.


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## Impavida (Dec 29, 2011)

I haven't had an abortion myself, but if I ever found myself pregnant it would be an easy choice to make. I would have the appointment booked before the pee stick finished changing colour. 

I know several women who have had them. Only one of them (that I'm aware of) had any trouble with the decision. She went through a grieving process and still feels terrible guilt about it. The rest didn't think twice or have a moment's doubt or remorse.



nannuky said:


> The only person I know about who has had an abortion is a mother of my 35-years-old acquaintance. She's said to not regret it at all, to not have any feelings about it - which really shocked me.
> 
> The only thing I cannot understand is: why none of these women who have had an abortion didn't choose to give birth to the child and put it up for adoption? Every single time I hear something like: "we were not mature enough to be parents" (oh, but you were mature enough to have sex?), "We couldn't afford having a child" and so on, I want to ask them: But why didn't you just let the child live? No one said you had to be a mother to it. You could just give a birth and 'get rid of it' WITHOUT murdering it. You didn't have to kill it. You could give it a chance.
> 
> I don't believe there's anybody who could give me a reasonable answer to my questions.


Just because pregnancy and birth are natural, that doesn't mean they're inherently safe or easy. Childbearing is still one of the most dangerous things that a woman can do in her life (6th most common cause of death for women aged 20-34 in the US).

Why would a woman risk death, disfigurement and permanent disability if she didn't have to? Especially for a child that she doesn't want.

Then factor in the socioeconomic implications as well and the option becomes even more grim.

Unless someone is morally opposed to abortion, I really don't see how adoption could be considered a better option.

[Apologies to @Wellsy if this is straying too much into debate territory]


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## RacerBoy (Mar 17, 2015)

Didn't face that situation yet.


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## Blessed Frozen Cells (Apr 3, 2013)

Nope. Never. I don't think I can do it. I'm already very attached to my imaginary unborn child lol I've always dreamed of being a mom but not in a crazy baby obsessed way. It's not even one of my life goals. I can go through my whole life being childless. I wouldn't feel unfulfilled from it but if I was going to have a kid, I want to be the best parent that I can. 

However, if I got pregnant right now, it would be a very tough situation for me. I'm still in school, I'm not financially stable and stressed out from worrying about money, getting good grades and problems with my family. I'm sure I would go through a moral crisis on which would be better for my child: bringing them into this world or stopping them from existing.

I don't know anyone either who has had an abortion. Maybe some of them have had one but there's a such a huge stigma behind it that I don't see people just blurting out info like that. Another possible thing is that maybe they don't want to judged by me cuz I'm known to have pretty strong personal moral values but I don't really care if someone aborted their child/children. It's none of my business. Maybe it was for the better. Maybe it was for the worst. It's not my place to decide and I don't like dwelling on what ifs. I bet any decent human being would be sad over it for a very long time or even throughout their whole lives. If they are people who didn't give a fudge about it, then I don't even want them to become mothers.


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## 7rr7s (Jun 6, 2011)

I had one, but I gave it to a friend.


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## INTJellectual (Oct 22, 2011)

Never had an abortion. But it crossed my mind at one point, then decided I should continue with my pregnancy.


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## stiletto (Oct 26, 2013)

snail said:


> (TW: detailed description of my abortion experience and the psychological )
> 
> I had an abortion somewhere in my early twenties and I still regret it to this day. I don't think I will ever be completely okay again.
> 
> ...


Thank you for sharing your story. It is so brave of you to post about it and completely unfair that you feel that you couldnt find comfort among those who also experienced it but did not regret it. The burden of guilt and regret must have been so hard, I can only imagine. 

I am so sorry for what you had to endure and I can count only my blessings that both my experiences were not as emotionally devastating. It takes great strength to walk the path you've been on.

If you ever need an ear, feel free to send me a PM.


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## Wellsy (Oct 24, 2011)

Thought I'd share a resource detailing factors of how one may feel post-abortion for people to consider the significance of making the decision to or not. 
https://www.thewomens.org.au/health-information/unplanned-pregnancy-information/issues-you-might-be-thinking-about/will-i-feel-ok-after-an-abortion/

Source Referenced in the link: http://www.ranzcog.edu.au/editions/...ancy-a-resource-for-health-professionals.html

EDIT:
http://www.afterabortion.com/do_dont.html


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## snail (Oct 13, 2008)

Women at Risk of Post-Abortion Trauma

I knew I was going to regret it even before I did it.

I felt pressured by my circumstances. 
I had been warned by someone with experience.
It was against my personal values. 
It was against my spiritual beliefs.
I was one of the high risk people this article talks about, in almost every possible way, and predictably, I ended up psychologically damaged by it. 

Before the abortion, I was a soft-hearted, nurturing person, and I feel like part of that was taken away from me. I still act exactly the same, but I don't feel things the same way. I am more selfish now. The bonds I form with others are all a bit weaker than they used to be. I sometimes feel like I am just going through the motions, pretending to be who I really would be underneath the layer of numbness, playing the role of the old self I can't quite reach. 

I suspect this happened as a result of having to force myself to go through with the abortion despite my protective maternal instinct and the strong feeling of connection I already had with my unborn baby. Severing that bond, violating it in the most extreme way possible, made certain types of feelings not function properly anymore. It ruined how I form attachments. 

I hope I can adopt a child someday, and my ability to feel attached will return. I feel bits of it sometimes when teaching art to other people's children, a protective feeling like I had for my own baby, and a strong desire to guide and nurture, so I am pretty certain it isn't actually lost forever. I think it is just lying dormant until I feel safe to care that way again. 

If I adopt through the foster system, perhaps I can take care of a child who has been through difficult things because of being born to parents who chose not to abort even in difficult circumstances where there was abuse, addiction, severe mental illness, or extreme poverty. I know that I will never get to raise the child I lost, but I might be able to make sure another child from a similarly troubled situation feels loved and wanted, especially now that my life is more stable and I am happily married to someone who would make a good father. 

Does anyone here have experience with adopting or having children after an abortion? Does the emotional aftermath of the abortion continue to affect your ability to bond with your new child, or does that go away when you have the security of knowing you get to keep this one?


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## Swede (Apr 2, 2013)

@_snail_, what kind of support do you think would have helped you post-abortion? I am curios about both professional and personal support.

I wouldn't know what to say to help a friend who felt as terrible about their experience as you did. I mean, I could always listen only, but it might send the message that I don't care, which would not be true. 

To me it seems that anything that I could think of being said at this point would either make a person feel worse by either
A) invalidating their feelings by telling them that they did the only thing they could 
or 
B) agreeing that what they did was terrible
Neither option would have helped you, I suspect. I would be at a loss for words. Any thoughts on this? What would you do if someone you love ended up in the same situation?

I think most of the time in situations like these, people around us pretend it didn't happen just to support/protect the person it happened to, but this might also make it seem like no one really cares.


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## stiletto (Oct 26, 2013)

snail said:


> Women at Risk of Post-Abortion Trauma
> 
> I knew I was going to regret it even before I did it.
> 
> ...


I know that a lot of times women post abortion go through what is call "replacement baby" feelings. Since I don't have the knowledge or experience about adoption, I'd suggest looking into that and maybe trying to connect with people who feel the same way. Have you checked out the forum I linked in my first post? They have a whole sub-forums dedicated to people healing from coerced abortions.

ETA:
Here it is:Post Abortion Support Site


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## snail (Oct 13, 2008)

Swede said:


> @_snail_, what kind of support do you think would have helped you post-abortion? I am curios about both professional and personal support.
> 
> I wouldn't know what to say to help a friend who felt as terrible about their experience as you did. I mean, I could always listen only, but it might send the message that I don't care, which would not be true.
> 
> ...



It's a difficult situation to respond to properly, but shortly after it happened, I found that the most comforting conversation I had about it was with a stranger in a public place who asked me what was wrong. He turned out to be an ex-soldier who had killed people in war and regretted it. He seemed to have a similar feeling about it, where pretending it was acceptable would have been an obvious lie and would not have been helpful, but thinking of himself as a terrible person for it wouldn't have been helpful either. There is a type of acceptance where we acknowledge our wrongs and love ourselves despite them. I think that is why I found the conversation helpful. He had gotten to that point, despite still being very emotionally damaged from what he had been through.


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## Wellsy (Oct 24, 2011)

*Document 3.17 'All I wanted to do was to have an abortion or die'*

Source: Freedom Bound II: Documents on women in modern Australia - Edited by Marilyn Lake & Katie Holmes, pg.128-131



> *Information about birth control was not accessible to all women, nor always reliable when it was practised. For many **women** the only solution to an unwanted pregnancy was abortion, an act which was first legalised - with severe restrictions - in South Australia in 1969. In contrast to the interwar years, when discussion of abortion was common, in the 1950's the topic of abortion went 'underground'. There is **little written** evidence of women's experiences of abortion. Here 'Irma La Douce' remembers her experience of a 'backyard' abortion in 1956.*





> We migrated in 1950. Before that we were refugees because of the Second World War, and we migrated to Australia in 1950 and came to South Australia. 1952, I think, my parents bought this block of land in Wingfield and our houses were built out of packing cases in those days and we lived in to packing cases, the threes of us, which were fourteen feet by eight feet, and another room eight feet by eight feet. In 1953, I got married and we built another box on which was twelve feet by eight feet. SO that was the accommodation we had, for four at first and then five, because my daughter was born in 1954... [In 1956] we were still living in that hut in Wingfield, the five of us, and my daughter was about two, and I was pregnant for the second time...
> 
> I was feeling terrible because we couldn't possibly have another child in those circumstances. I mean, there wasn't enough room, and there wasn't any washing facilities, for instance. When we had our weekly bath we heated the copper in the backyard and took a tin bath inside the kitchen and had a bath in the tin tub and somebody, you know, took it outside on the garden afterwards again...
> 
> ...


Interview conducted by Barbara Baird, no. OH91/11
'Abortion in South Australia before 1970 project'
J.D. Somerville Oral History Collection
Mortlock Library, South Australia

http://cwhgs.unimelb.edu.au/__data/assets/pdf_file/0005/628385/Take_Away_Booklet.pdf
Post-The Pill


> In those days before family planning clinics or women’s health services, before telephone help lines or listings in the front of the phone book, before there were books about sex, before there was any information really, we relied on rumour. The word would go round, and we’d "ock to the medico who we’d heard would not give us a hard time for daring to ask for a script. If we found ourselves pregnant we knew, again from whispers, to go to the yellow pages of the Melbourne phone book in the Barr Smith Library and, under medical practitioners, look for the names that were underlined. These were the doctors who would do abortions.


- ANNE SUMMERS, AUTHOR, BRISBANE TIMES


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## Fumetsu (Oct 7, 2015)

My Mother tolled me that she would have aborted me had she known I would be born with the illness I have.

Dodged a bullet there huh?

Anyway, I do not begrudge my Mother, knowing this causes me no trauma nor existential crisis. I'm just damned glad to have the life that I do. I enjoy it very much.

And no, no abortions here. Although if I were to get pregnant-God forbid-I would have no choice but to abort it.


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## katemess (Oct 21, 2015)

Not today.


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## ai.tran.75 (Feb 26, 2014)

I have a couple of friends who had have abortions - my husband made his ex gf get an abortion ( believe he was 18 at the time ? 3 years before I even know who he was) 
From his experience - he was relief along with his ex - they weren't ready . 
A close esfp relative of mine got forced into getting an abortion by her parents bc she was only 17- she wanted to keep the baby and after 3 months they somehow persuaded her giving her an ultimatum of either aborting it or marrying her bf at the time - they were fearful for her reputation - after her abortion she felt so guilty she told everyone - I witnessed her crying years after years and eventually every Mother's Day that has passed , it was really painful for her- she simply couldn't get over it - telling me it's her biggest regret and even now 14 years later she still cries about it to me - she's permanently scarred .
I have another acquaintance who have aborted her kid over 5 times - she has no regrets - she simply didn't want anymore kids - I know this is bias for me to say but I think she should just tie her tube 
One of my childhood friend was raped and had an abortion - I supported her decision 

As for myself it's against my internal value - a life is a life to me - it's not my choice to choose whether or not I wanted the child - my son was unplanned - i was the type of person who never wanted to have kids or get married ( I was with my partner for 7 years at the time and we have already bought a house together ) I kept mine - but was pissed off throughout my entire pregnancy - after I had him - I planned to have 2 more ( I had my daughter last year and I'm pregnant with my last one / I already scheduled to tie my tube ) best thing that has ever happen to me was having kids- I'm glad I got knocked up by accident the first time - I'm glad I got married to the love of my life - sometimes you don't know what you want until you have it  
With all that said - I don't really judge those who have had abortion - it's just for me - Never 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Wellsy (Oct 24, 2011)

Surprised how well this thread went, one of those wonderful PerC miricles where with only a minor hiccups, people were able to use the space to simply share and not prod one another too much ^_^


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## Wellsy (Oct 24, 2011)

Abortion: Stories Women Tell


> The documentary has a clear focus: approaching the subject from the women with first-hand experience. Meanwhile, we can also hear the opinions of the providers who care for them, and activists discussing the abortion issue.


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## Veggie (May 22, 2011)

I haven't had one, but I've had friends who have. I wanna say I drove one to the clinic, a long time ago, but I can't remember if that's true. Maybe I drove her to some kind of consultation? Somehow I drove a friend somewhere who had one. Maybe I blocked it out, as it is an emotional experience. I remember a particular conversation, but I can't remember the rest.


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## Fumetsu (Oct 7, 2015)

No, and if I manage to go my entire life without one it will be a miracle.


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## Hiraeth (Jan 2, 2015)

No, and I don't intend to either, unless something extreme happens (medical reasons, rape).

I do know lots of women who did have at least one abortion though, especially older women.


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## Cthulhu And Coffee (Mar 8, 2012)

No. But it could easily happen, if birth control were to fail. And there have been a few times where they just pulled out, and I didn't take the morning after pill. There's also been a time where they didn't pull out and all I did was take the morning after pill. I never have unprotected sex unless I have some kind of cautionary method for afterwards, but I know very well that even with those methods, I could still wind up pregnant. And in that event, I would definitely choose to abort. I probably wouldn't even tell my partner I'd gotten pregnant.


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## pwowq (Aug 7, 2016)

I was an unplanned child. I've been told mom and dad had a few days long discussion.

One of my sisters had an abortion when she was 16.


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## Introvertia (Feb 6, 2016)

I haven't had an abortion but I'd have an abortion if I got pregnant right now. 

I know people who've had an abortion. I've had patients who had an abortion. 
I've heard different perspectives. It seems it affects some people's mental health.

I'm neutral on the subject as in I have no opinions about other people's choices.


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## Wisteria (Apr 2, 2015)

stiletto said:


> My younger sibling was almost aborted if he was not a boy. I don't have any judgement about


That is messed up.


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## Tropes (Jul 7, 2016)

Amaryllis said:


> No, I meant the right to never exist. To be euthanised would mean that you have existed on this earth. Here it would mean that you would have the right to decide whether or not you want to be created. That's why I said it was very unlikely to happen.


I am just imagining an appointed time traveler appearing in some couple's bedroom with a court order to not have sex until the sperm of the victim's conception dies out :laughing:


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