# Smile and say thankyou goddammit



## Choice (May 19, 2012)

You know what, I finally accepted a compliment for a full minute before dismissing it today. (...yay?)


I'm incredibly shit at this, almost every single positive comment directed to my person is an invitation for me to explain why it isn't the case and insult myself. Or sometimes there's no particular reason why, and all I get on my end is anxiety/shame/anger and I can't connect it to anything - default reaction fail >:{


_*Please yell at me. 

*_
"it's not assertive" , "you're being rude to the other person by hacking off their judgement credibility" etc etc.
y'no - the usual stuff I find hard to accept.


----------



## nakkinaama (Jun 20, 2012)

Hmm i guess youre just extremely humble? Or youve been doing something bad alot and you dont want to hear compliments because it makes you feel bad?


----------



## BradyNotTachy (Oct 24, 2012)

Almost said:


> You know what, I finally accepted a compliment for a full minute before dismissing it today. (...yay?)
> 
> 
> I'm incredibly shit at this, almost every single positive comment directed to my person is an invitation for me to explain why it isn't the case and insult myself. Or sometimes there's no particular reason why, and all I get on my end is anxiety/shame/anger and I can't connect it to anything - default reaction fail >:{
> ...


I'm very much like this, I dislike being complimented, especially in public settings, because I find myself embarrassed or feel the urge to dismiss their compliment and have to try really hard not to. I am very critical of myself, but very lenient about others, and while I'll give compliments out to others I only appreciate compliments from those I feel know me or from people I feel I can trust what they are saying and it must be done in a private setting. One of my many faults I'm working on. Maybe we could practice together or something.


----------



## Choice (May 19, 2012)

nightienapalm said:


> Hmm i guess youre just extremely humble? Or youve been doing something bad alot and you dont want to hear compliments because it makes you feel bad?



Well I do aim towards being humble as a general goal, but there's a difference between humbleness and non-existent self-esteem, and you _will _admit it. Plus, I have the whole increasingly critical thing as a 7-disintegration gig, so your answer is neither.

...is your [ ' ] key broken?


----------



## nakkinaama (Jun 20, 2012)

Almost said:


> Well I do aim towards being humble as a general goal, but there's a difference between humbleness and non-existent self-esteem, and you _will _admit it. Plus, I have the whole increasingly critical thing as a 7-disintegration gig, so your answer is neither.
> 
> ...is your [ ' ] key broken?


Im too lazy to use the ' button.


----------



## BradyNotTachy (Oct 24, 2012)

Almost said:


> Well I do aim towards being humble as a general goal, but there's a difference between humbleness and non-existent self-esteem, and you _will _admit it. Plus, I have the whole increasingly critical thing as a 7-disintegration gig, so your answer is neither.
> 
> ...is your [ ' ] key broken?


Yes humbleness and lack of self esteem can easily be confused at a certain point. There is that line where you don't call attention to yourself or fish for compliments and then there is rejecting any attention or compliments to yourself because you don't feel you deserve it. I've been called out on that before.


----------



## Ramysa (Mar 22, 2012)

Maybe u don't trust the ppl who say it to u? Maybe u feel they're not honest/they want smth from u? Maybe u seek to much into it?


----------



## Choice (May 19, 2012)

Ramysa said:


> Maybe u don't trust the ppl who say it to u? Maybe u feel they're not honest/they want smth from u? Maybe u seek to much into it?


nah, what he said, minus the attention part


BradyNotTachy said:


> there is rejecting any attention or compliments to yourself because you don't feel you deserve it. I've been called out on that before.


I'm working on it >.<


----------



## Mustang (Oct 24, 2012)

May I ask, do they tend to be compliments about yourself in particular, or more about the work you do? Like, your looks or personality versus a worker who's good at their job or someone who gets good grades. I'd understand issues with the former; it can single you out, cause you to create unreal and pressured expectations of yourself, and may even make you feel insulted that someone seems to be feeling that they know you when they just don't at all! The 'social norm' is certainly to just politely nod and say 'thank you', but norms are hard to work with in my opinion. It's hard to tell sometimes (well, not for me nowadays) when someone is complimenting you for manipulative reasons or sincerely just trying to be nice and make you feel good. I'm the latter, and I do get taken aback when a compliment is kind of thrown back in my face because I only have the best of intentions, but I can understand where you guys are most likely coming from.


----------



## Choice (May 19, 2012)

Mustang said:


> May I ask, do they tend to be compliments about yourself in particular, or more about the work you do? Like, your looks or personality versus a worker who's good at their job or someone who gets good grades.
> 
> I'd understand issues with the former; it can single you out, cause you to create unreal and pressured expectations of yourself, and may even make you feel insulted that someone seems to be feeling that they know you when they just don't at all! The 'social norm' is certainly to just politely nod and say 'thank you', but norms are hard to work with in my opinion. It's hard to tell sometimes (well, not for me nowadays) when someone is complimenting you for manipulative reasons or sincerely just trying to be nice and make you feel good. I'm the latter, and I do get taken aback when a compliment is kind of thrown back in my face because I only have the best of intentions, but I can understand where you guys are most likely coming from.


I think it's both. Most of the time, I need to feel like I've put a lot of effort into something, and be secretly fishing for someone else's satisfaction to feel happy about their praise, and then I'd start calling my own work crap quite quickly afterwards (bad habits die hard)...or else get bored of it.

As to personality, I've hardly got an upstanding self image, so when my friend gave me a whole letter about how I was a "supportive" person who strives for good yada yada <insert overwhelmingly enthusiastic endorsements & insane type 1-idealism>, it took me a whole week to stop screaming "you don't know me at all and you like me for all the wrong reasons!" every time I saw it. But yeah, I eventually saw where they were coming from based on our interactions.

One of my main problems is my tendency to just ignore other people's opinions of me - "my view is the only one that's correct!" On top of that (I've hypothesized a relation to attachment issues), I've noticed myself trying to remain neutral/uncaring, or else going "eh, they don't care about me that much, so I don't need them now" towards people I like. I just don't expect people to show affection to such a degree that I keep getting floored by the smallest comments.

"I like talking to you, you don't take things personally", or "I consider you a close friend" - I don't thank them, I just sit quietly and stare. And then I try to forget the whole thing and feel retarded for ever being speechless.

*shrug* ...All sorts of stuff I need to learn how to handle.


----------



## Faux (May 31, 2012)

I had that myself for awhile, and I wonder if it's not connected to a fear of failure of some kind? You know, living up to the good that other people praise you for. You can't fail - especially in the eyes of others - if you're not anything good at all.


----------



## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

That's exactly what you do, don't undermine others judgement of you by trying to argue for your limitations, because when you do that, they're yours.


----------



## Choice (May 19, 2012)

tanstaafl28 said:


> That's exactly what you do, don't undermine others judgement of you by trying to argue for your limitations, because when you do that, they're yours.


they're yours? (referring to?)


----------



## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

"Argue for your limitations and sure enough, they're yours." -Richard Bach


----------



## Mustang (Oct 24, 2012)

Almost said:


> I think it's both. Most of the time, I need to feel like I've put a lot of effort into something, and be secretly fishing for someone else's satisfaction to feel happy about their praise, and then I'd start calling my own work crap quite quickly afterwards (bad habits die hard)...or else get bored of it.
> 
> As to personality, I've hardly got an upstanding self image, so when my friend gave me a whole letter about how I was a "supportive" person who strives for good yada yada <insert overwhelmingly enthusiastic endorsements & insane type 1-idealism>, it took me a whole week to stop screaming "you don't know me at all and you like me for all the wrong reasons!" every time I saw it. But yeah, I eventually saw where they were coming from based on our interactions.
> 
> ...


Hey, life's just one big learning experience, we tend to just figure things out as we go. Your life experiences will slowly change your expectations of people around you, and maybe that will help allay some of the fears that you don't meet what people think of you.

I feel that the ability to ignore what other people think about you has the potential to be an immense strength if wielded properly. On the flip side from you, I'm floored by the smallest comments and am super appreciative, almost to the point where it weird people out when they're nice to me. I'm a little crazy, but in a good and hard to describe way haha. 

I think the main theme that I keep seeing reoccur time and time again during my short time browsing the forums and being a member here is that moderation and balance are key. I'm happy to have this discussion because I feel we're at the opposite ends of the spectrum on compliments, and we're both struggling with trying to find our way closer to the middle where people don't feel alienated or weirded out.

I think once you begin to accept the fact that it's okay for people to have misconceptions about you in tandem with ignoring what they think (which you've already accomplished half), you can appreciate their compliments for the act itself but not be torn over whether they're valid or not. If you don't care what they think in the first place, why would you care if they compliment you?

You'll get there, especially with the support of this awesome community!


----------



## Choice (May 19, 2012)

Mustang said:


> Hey, life's just one big learning experience, we tend to just figure things out as we go. Your life experiences will slowly change your expectations of people around you, and maybe that will help allay some of the fears that you don't meet what people think of you.


 I have an immense fear of being trapped, or held down under responsibilities. I think it'd be good for me to stop thinking of absolutely every compliment as an expectation and just think "Hey, this person likes me."

I feel that the ability to ignore what other people think about you has the potential to be an immense strength if wielded properly. On the flip side from you, I'm floored by the smallest comments and am super appreciative, almost to the point where it weird people out when they're nice to me. I'm a little crazy, but in a good and hard to describe way haha. 

I think the main theme that I keep seeing reoccur time and time again during my short time browsing the forums and being a member here is that moderation and balance are key. I'm happy to have this discussion because I feel we're at the opposite ends of the spectrum on compliments, and we're both struggling with trying to find our way closer to the middle where people don't feel alienated or weirded out. It's certainly easier to get hold of people's inner workings and better understand em around here.

I think once you begin to accept the fact that it's okay for people to have misconceptions about you in tandem with ignoring what they think (which you've already accomplished half), you can appreciate their compliments for the act itself but not be torn over whether they're valid or not. 
Aye, thank the intention, not the content. (or at least that's what they keep telling me) 

Sometimes it helps to analyse their stuff to find a version that I can take in - "I may not be a highly supportive girl in general (like they thought), but I_ have_ been supportive to one person who I felt protective of, and apparently I did a good job."*

If you don't care what they think in the first place, why would you care if they compliment you?
*I apologize, that was not an accurate statement. When it's a friend I care about, sometimes I do get affected, and I tend to flip out if they think of me too highly. I suppose it's not just the compliment itself - I worry about genuineness and being misunderstood - *"Please tell me that they see me realistically!"
*
I can't possibly stay in a friendship where people like me for imaginary qualities without correcting a few things!

When they're not a friend, I'm even more dismissive, and people get annoyed. I argue back (and not in a nice tone), sometimes I snap at them. I put myself down, I put them down. It's rude. Sometimes I feel weak, and I feel the need to over compensate. _"I don't need any of your validation, go __[Redacted] and [Redacted] on a *bleeping* sandwich."_

I'm stubborn. I failed to take their reactions to heart - took me a long time to see that I had a problem. 
---

*anyway, thanks to everyone who replied, I feel somewhat better.*


----------

