# Unhealthy INFJ looking for advice from the more mature of my type?



## flecksofdust (Feb 23, 2013)

Hey, I'm new to this forum so my apologies if I'm doing this wrong! 

As mentioned in the forum title, I suspect that I'm a pretty immature and unhealthy INFJ (I suspect the unhealthy part, not the INFJ part).

I've always been a really quiet and intense person. A lot of people are quiet, but I know that I was so intense that I was freaking people out. Two teachers forced me to go for counselling in secondary school because they were scared of me. I don't think I did anything wrong really, I read and slept a lot, and didn't have many friends. I didn't speak much (because often, I really didn't know what to say). When I went back to visit my secondary school teachers though, one of them told me that it wasn't the quietness so much that disturbed them, it was the fact that I let off a really intense and angry energy. In her words exactly, "you were one angry, angry little girl. You were so uptight, so tight all the time. And when you came into my class, I thought, oh dear, that angry little girl is in my class." 

I didn't really speak much to anyone, or learned to make friends until I was about 15. Looking back now, I suspect that everything I did, reading/sleeping/not talking to people, was probably because I was deeply dissatisfied with the world. I hated the fact that my teachers/peers/parents kept confiscating my books, making me wake up, telling me I was weird, forcing me to go for these strange camps. It felt like they were forcing me to live in this world when I didn't want to. Why should I, when the world in my head was so much more perfect? Heck, the world in my head was so perfect, it even came complete with a perfect public administrative system (can you say that about this world?). 

I'm a lot better now; I've learnt to make friends and to interact with them. That makes me sound like a social robot. But no, after becoming friends with some really great people, I also learnt how to be a proper friend, how to sincerely care deeply about my friends' problems, how to listen to them attentively, how to make them feel valued.

But there's a part of me that is still intensely angry. There's a part that repels people because they can sense the anger that I give off. There's that part that is miserable all the time and feels completely and utterly inadequate because I am so damn socially awkward, and I make people feel awkward too. I get really, really frustrated with small talk; conversation topics like which person do I think is cute/make-up/celebrity gossip exhaust me. These are pretty much what my friends talk about all the time and I'm so, so tired. I pretend to laugh and try to talk about these topics too. But I know they can tell I'm pretending, and they feel awkward about it. And the worst thing is that I can tell when people are awkward around me, or feel bad. I'm acutely sensitive to changes in moods and I can read people pretty well. Given that, it really doesn't make sense that I'm so damn socially awkward!

It feels like all the time, I'm seeking self-worth from externalities, in this case, from the opinions that other people have of me. I'm self-conscious and awkward and angry and I don't know what to do. I look at people who bounce through life, and I look at my friends who, despite having problems, can still look at me sincerely and say, "I'm glad to be alive today" and feel really really jealous. I've never been able to honestly say that I'm happy to be alive. I've looked and looked, but I can't find meaning in what I do, or how I live. I don't believe any more (maybe I never did), that I could ever make a difference to this world. I am so angry all the time and I'm so uptight and it hurts! Throw an inability to connect with many people/ make friends easily and an acute understanding of how weird I seem to them into the mix and you pretty much get a recipe for misery. Perhaps the only reason I'm still alive is because I know dying would break my parents' hearts and given how much they have invested in me, how could I ever do that? That would be being irresponsible and just plain unfilial (the idea of filial piety may not seem like much, but I'm Chinese, and that's a really big deal in my culture). 

Recently, I spoke to a counsellor, and she told me that it sounded like I was looking for meaning and self-worth. Then she asked me, "what does it mean to you to be a worthy person? what is a worthy person?" The person that came to my mind was the only other INFJ I know, my uncle. He's gentle, calm and wise. He's acutely sensitive to other people's responses too, and it plagues him sometimes, but he seems to be living with it just fine. When he talks, sometimes people can't relate to him - he is often misunderstood. Sometimes, when he talks, I hear an undercurrent of deep despair and anguish. The first time I heard it, I thought, crap, being an INFJ doesn't get any easier even when you grow older and more mature. Despite tt, he's still really gentle and calm. He treats everybody he meets with care and respect and uses that deep sensitivity he has to strike deep and meaningful conversations even with complete strangers. 

That's a worthy person to me; that's who I want to be - calm and gentle without losing the intensity of passion for life as well as the sensitivity for other people's feelings.

So, I know this is a tough question to ask, but could the people in this forum tell me how to get from the intense, angry, miserable, unhealthy and immature INFJ that I am, to that healthy and mature INFJ? I know my goal, I just don't know how to get there. I would ask my uncle, but he's in some rural area with little internet connection/mobile connectivity doing mission work. Anyway, it would be kinda weird to tell him all of this.

I know this has been a really long post, and to those who've read this far, thanks a lot!


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## AriesLilith (Jan 6, 2013)

@*flecksofdust*, welcome to the forum.  I guess that it might be helpful if you also post this in the INFJ section, so that other INFJs can notice this.

I guess that I can understand why you're angry and frustrated. You are different from the people around you, yet you are treated negatively as if you have a problem, and even get restricted or forced to do certain things. And then when interacting with other people, you can feel all the awkwardness.

When I was young, I was different from those around me too, and I was also not exactly liked and the kind that makes much friends. I had my own world, I guess that I don't care if I was not viewed as normal thought. But as I got older, I learned to be less awkward, not only to fit in, but also coz I began to understand how the other person might feel, in a sympathetic way.
I have grown with Chinese culture too, thought later I moved to Europe. Personally, I think that the Chinese environment is more conservative and restrictive, while the occidental culture seems easier for me as someone who is different.

I guess that you feel all this anger coz deep inside you do care and you're not indifferent. You can't accept what's around, and it hurts you, and you do want things to become better.
Maybe this is a bit biased by my own experience, but if you start to be more empathetic of why people do what they do, and think of the goodness inside of them despite what they do or say, and how they are just humans too, might help. Forgiveness is not just forgetting about things, but sometimes it's about being understanding, and it's not just for other people but for your own sake, to make peace with certain things.
Take your friends for example, they might feel awkward towards you, but that is coz they are also insecure when they don't know how to deal with someone who is different.

In my case, when I began to be more and more understanding and sympathetic towards other people, I began to find more peace.
Also, I was lucky to have found some friends with whom I could identify parts of myself with them.

So I'd suggest that you try to understand them more and be more empathetic and sympathetic to them, don't take what they feel or think personally.
Also, there are probably more people in this world you can actually relate to or identify parts of yourself with. But if you really feel restricted by the culture where you live in, maybe you can try to move to another country in the future?
Lastly, if you ever feel angry and need to redirect that energy, maybe you can try running or doing some sport. Meditation and redirecting your angry energy might help you calm down better.


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## petite libellule (Jul 4, 2012)

It's a matter of choice. Know the difference between mindsets and feelings. Like for example: sad is a feeling. It's okay to feel it. Feel it with the knowledge that it will pass. Come to terms with whatever you are sad about. Depression is not a feeling. It's a mindset. It says that the world owes you something. Which it does not. So if you are depressed, you are typically angry as well. (not you personally, just the way I'm writing it. only you know what's up with you). 

Anyways, remember that it could always be worse. ALWAYS! and learn to laugh at life's fangs. They only hurt because you have to learn to manage your expectations. So focus on managing emotions, expectations, and your addictions (which includes anger. some people get addicted to feelings ya know. such as feeling abandoned or rejected. the pain is familiar and so safe. so those people typically self sabotage or fall for scenarios where the result is obvious to everyone but them. like self fulfilling prophecies). It's a choice. You need to be courageous enough to do something different. To THINK differently. This also means you are risking the unknown. But more times than not, the risk is worth it. 

Think of it this way, I want to lose 10 pounds (true story). Well whenever I catch myself eating something crappy or eating more than a proper portion, I kinda laugh at myself. Why? because I know that I obviously don't really want to lose that 10 pounds THAT bad.  I do this because I have no excuse. Same applies to everything in life. 

If you REALLY wanted to not be an angry person and miserable, you would eliminate toxic people and habits from your life. End of story. It's that simple. If you have things you are sad about and are having trouble working through them in your head, you would see a counselor. And personally, I tend to think out loud so a supportive friend who lets you ramble should be good (or counselor, or family). Also read ... read read read. It always amuses me when people get crazy emotionally defensive to criticism. If someone tells me I have a problem, I press "pause" and pick up a book and look into it. Then I would agree or disagree. If I agree, I'd thank them for loving me enough to point out the problem. If you have poor relationships, read relationship books, if you have poor money management skills, read a book, if you can't cook, take a class or read a cook book and PRACTICE. 

Practice is more important than the game. Never sacrifice the important on the alter of the urgent. Urgent being your temporary feelings of the now. Oh and one more thing, goals. I think often times Fe for me feels soooo good helping other people (like this post). But I've learned to never give unsolicited advice (though I slip up from time to time ), and just focus on me, what I'm doing, my goals and what is important. Focus on what's important and disregard everything else (for now) and what's important right now for you is learning to manage all these emotions. It's not gonna happen overnight. You need to practice. Shake off your disappointed in yourself moments as "it was just practice". This forum is the perfect breeding ground for you to practice. When it's a bad day, apologize for the moment, but never for being you. and remember that tomorrow will be a better day 

Hope this helps


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## Diauxie (Nov 17, 2012)

Well, they say self-discovery is best left to the self. Nobody can tell you what path to walk to find your purpose and happiness. People can describe how to think and feel and you can read/hear the words and 'understand' them, but actually internalizing those values, 'knowing' the words is something to be achieved by thought and experience. 

Though what has been said already is something to think about. That is, you should try to avoid knowing others for their faults and look for the strengths and positive aspects about other people. When it comes to conversation and knowing people, I have a 'goal' of learning what their special thing is. I suppose that's vague but everyone has their one special thing; an internal value or identity that they normally keep hidden from others. I'm sure you're aware on some level of what your own might be though you might not be able to describe it or otherwise put it to words (and that's ok) but that you've had experiences where people laughed or made fun of you for something you said or did and the hurt cut deep because their criticism conflicted with that identity, that special thing of yours. People keep it hidden because other people 'knowing' of it makes them vulnerable and gives power to the other person over them. So, it's not something to be pursued lightly but can allow you to connect with and bring out the best in the people you care about on a deeper, more meaningful level.

As for how to actually do it, you can't really go straight for the jugular and ask them straight out 'what is important to you?'. The 'small talk' people make doesn't have to stay small and you can ask people questions about such topics to get at something more meaningful like "So how did you feel when that happened" or "Have you ever felt that way about something else before?" or "What do you think is important about this?". How you phrase things matters, like asking "Why do you think this is important?" has a challenging/adversarial aspect to it (that is, you imply it isn't important at all) but asking "what do you think(or feel) is important?" implies that you accept it as important but value the other person's perspective.

Anyways, I don't know if you play video games or not but one of my favorites is _The World Ends With You_ available for Nintendo DS/3DS, iphone 4 (or higher), and iPad 2 (or higher)). It's a great game in terms of just being fun but I also really enjoyed the story and character development and the themes directly relate to the issues you describe (feeling angry towards the world and others, connecting with other people, what it means to be alive, how to grow and develop as a person).


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