# INTP husband not happy



## mntgrl (Oct 12, 2014)

I am married to an INTP. We started dating in high school, so not much dating on either of our parts since we started dating each other so young. We married in our twenties and have have since had 3 great kids that we both love very much.
About two years ago he shared that he was unhappy. Much of this stemmed from the fact that he is a pleaser and feels he spent many years trying to please me, saying yes to what I wanted but not voicing what he wanted. Over the past couple of years, he has realized how unhappy he was because he did not voice his opinion. We have worked for the past two years on our relationship. We have been in counseling off and on. I thought we were making progress. He recently told me he doesn't think we are compatible and should separate. I know he cares about me and the kids. But I think he thinks he and I will have different visions of the future, and he does not want to spend more time in a relationship that he feels long term will not match with his desires.
He also feels he does not have a voice in our relationship, particularly in parenting. For most of the parenting years, he just let me lead and make decisions. He now realizes, this is not a satisfying way to parent and he needs a part in the decision making. I am good with that but it will take time to build this into our relationship, time for me to learn to ask his opinion and make that part of us.
This is really hard for me on many different levels. One, I love him very much. I know we are different but I feel our differences make us a good couple and good parents to our kids. 
I am struggling because I do love him and I want him to be happy. I feel I have been the one fighting for us and wonder if I just need to let him go. 
I would love input from anyone that is an INTP and has bee in a similar situation or someone who has been married to an INTP. Thank you!


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## MelodyGirl (Dec 18, 2010)

Oh my stars, sweetheart. I feel you. Been there!!
Have you read these two articles? This helped me understand my INTP husband, who felt just like you do.
INTP - Chapter 4: Busting the Myth that INTPs are Not Emotional
INTP - Chapter 6: How to Date (and Interpret) an INTP

I'm hoping it's not too late for you, and I feel your pain.
I've been just shutting up, listening to, and apologizing to my INTP. He was so right.
Also, I've been doing the Love Dare on him. You might want to give that a try. <3 http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Dare-Alex-Kendrick/dp/1433679590
Will pray for you right now. So sorry!


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## mntgrl (Oct 12, 2014)

I haven't even read the links you posted yet but just have to thank you so much for replying! I feel so alone, I finally shared things with a good friend, my mom and sister in law but still feel so alone and misunderstood. It is not like he is having an affair or that we constantly fight, etc.. In fact, we are still affectionate and love one another. He is just not sure we are compatible and feels so misunderstood. Thanks again for replying


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## MelodyGirl (Dec 18, 2010)

mntgrl said:


> I haven't even read the links you posted yet but just have to thank you so much for replying! I feel so alone, I finally shared things with a good friend, my mom and sister in law but still feel so alone and misunderstood. It is not like he is having an affair or that we constantly fight, etc.. In fact, we are still affectionate and love one another. He is just not sure we are compatible and feels so misunderstood. Thanks again for replying


Exactly. And that's how it was for me. We just hit five years of marriage, and I was like, "Why does everything feel sort of dead"? He took my apology and understanding amazingly well. The articles were the best things I've read all year. <3
Here for you, my sister-married-to-an-INTP. Praying for you every time I think about you.


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## niss (Apr 25, 2010)

Your personality type is not really a key player in your situation, as far as what needs to be done. He probably feels left out and rejected, which is hurting his pride. You want to include him, but you've become used to doing things the way you've been handling them. It's gonna take work to iron out the kinks.

He needs to wake up and realize what he is losing. You are going to have to bend over backwards to help him see that. Ever read or saw Fireproof? Take the love dare and do your best to win him back. It really is the best thing for you, him, and the kids.

I was in the same place as your husband. I asked SWMBO for a divorce after ten years. She said she thought what we had was worth fighting for, and fight is what she did. Now, I hang my head in shame when I think about what I put her through. It's been twenty-nine years together, and I can only kick myself when I think of what I would have missed and how different our life would have been.

I'm wishing you the best. I know that you are in a difficult situation.


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## mntgrl (Oct 12, 2014)

niss said:


> Your personality type is not really a key player in your situation, as far as what needs to be done. He probably feels left out and rejected, which is hurting his pride. You want to include him, but you've become used to doing things the way you've been handling them. It's gonna take work to iron out the kinks.
> 
> He needs to wake up and realize what he is losing. You are going to have to bend over backwards to help him see that. Ever read or saw Fireproof? Take the love dare and do your best to win him back. It really is the best thing for you, him, and the kids.
> 
> ...


Thank you, haven't heard of Fireproof, will check it out.


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## Kebachi (May 27, 2014)

I'm embarrassed to admit it, but early on in my marriage I got really skittered and tried to initiate a divorce because I was worried me and my husband weren't compatible. I thought we were both too timid and all these other stupid little things. He fought very hard to convince me otherwise and I'm so glad he had the patience to.

He spent so much time and energy being selfless and logical in order to deal with my irrational fears. When I look back I can't believe I ever thought about calling the whole thing off. Would've been the worst mistake of my life.


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## Kebachi (May 27, 2014)

Let us know if there's a status update on this BTW, I hope things are working out better between the two of you


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## mntgrl (Oct 12, 2014)

Kebachi said:


> Let us know if there's a status update on this BTW, I hope things are working out better between the two of you


Thanks, I will post an update~ lots of talking, really trying to keep all of the good advice in mind as we work through some of this. It is hard and emotionally draining but I feel like we are taking small steps forward.


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## Kebachi (May 27, 2014)

mntgrl said:


> Thanks, I will post an update~ lots of talking, really trying to keep all of the good advice in mind as we work through some of this. It is hard and emotionally draining but I feel like we are taking small steps forward.


I'm glad it sounds like it's going well.


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## MelodyGirl (Dec 18, 2010)

niss said:


> Your personality type is not really a key player in your situation, as far as what needs to be done. He probably feels left out and rejected, which is hurting his pride. You want to include him, but you've become used to doing things the way you've been handling them. It's gonna take work to iron out the kinks.
> 
> He needs to wake up and realize what he is losing. You are going to have to bend over backwards to help him see that. Ever read or saw Fireproof? Take the love dare and do your best to win him back. It really is the best thing for you, him, and the kids.
> 
> ...


What a neat testimony, niss.
I second Fireproof and the Love Dare. Doing it again on my INTP just to revive things.


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