# Why am I such a sore loser?



## Tonimiko (Oct 16, 2011)

I'm a terrible sport whenever I'm losing constantly. I'm like this with jets in Battlefield 3, Jiu Jitsu, Wrestling...etc.

Why am I like this? I get so happy and want more whenever I'm winning or find an even match, but when I'm repeatedly getting my ass handed to me, I throw the nastiest tantrums. I ragequit. Tears of anger and frustration, at my worst.

I've tried telling myself that in order to get better, you HAVE to lose. I know that. No pain no gain. Practice makes perfect, I know. That's bullshit when I'm losing 99% of the time though. I don't feel like I'm getting better at all.

Is it my ego getting in the way? Is it my fault that I feel like I should be entitled to a fair match and have a 50/50 chance of winning? How do I stop thinking in this manner and just have fun for once? I'm really too hard on myself and expect too much when I can only output so little.

I can never get better, as I always quit things when I find myself losing. I fear this attitude may harm me in the future when it comes to the real world. Competitiveness is one thing, but this? I don't know.


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## kellyj (Jul 4, 2013)

Its probably your high cortisol levels


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## zyxwvut (Nov 15, 2010)

Seems like you quit before you really start to learn from your mistakes. The truth is, many of the greatest people in any sport or art practiced a ton. Losing is a way for you to understand your mistakes, and cannot be avoided.

You will lose a lot more than you win until you get good. When you get good you will win more than you lose. Simple.

Your ego most definitely is getting in the way, you expect to win and when you don't you become angry. Don't expect to win, but aim to improve, and the results you want will follow


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## ptarmigan (Jul 19, 2010)

It's frustrating and discouraging to consistently lose and feel like there's nothing you can do about it. It doesn't matter what I tell myself, it's just not fun. If it stops being fun, maybe it's good to just take a break from it for awhile and come back later. I personally can essentially never feel myself improving at anything, so if I'm going to do something, it can't be so that I'll eventually feel good at it, because I never will. It just has to be fun in itself and I don't think there's any shame in sitting out for a little while. Think about it later when your emotions have calmed.

I know it's frustrating to feel your own sense that things aren't fair when you know fairness has nothing to do with it. I don't know of any prescriptive path for reconciling thought and emotion there. It's just a recurring feature of our experience that we'll feel this duality inside, I've concluded. It's happened before and will happen again. Maybe that makes it a little easier.


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## Mammon (Jul 12, 2012)

Oh yea, losing.... I'm a really sore loser and like you I too always lose lol So I literally avoid some comptitive things these days. I used to be really good at sports though but that was ages ago, now, I lose at that too LOL

I once tried to pick up drawing, no, twice actually but my super perfectionism got in the way. THIS DOESN'T EVEN LOOK CLOSE TO IT!!! AND WTF IS THIS?!! WHAT THE FCKING FCK FCK FCK!!!! *obliterates pencil* (not everything was that bad though but like I said: perfectionism) That's not the cool way to go about it for sure.

Yeah. So I mostly avoid.

It's deffinitely the ego. That little bitch is everywhere.


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## monemi (Jun 24, 2013)

I had anger/frustration problems growing up. My father is ex-special forces and worked with me on it. I would recommend meditation seeing as you're old enough for it. But I wasn't at the time. I would blow up and freak out and lose control when I lost. He would put on music, pick me up and dance with me. 






or 






There were a few calming songs he would put on for me and then he'd bring me back and I'd try whatever it was I was doing again. Taking breaks whenever I lost my cool. It took me a couple of years, but calming down grew into habit until he didn't need to play music for me. I could pause, close my eyes, take a deep breath and focus on my heart beat and slow down. There are times when that anger comes in useful. If I'm running or swimming or lifting weights, it gives me energy and I make full use of those bursts of power I feel. But most of the time, that rage and frustration doesn't help anything. 

What you need is to develop the habit of calming down faster and learning to let go of the anger faster and faster until it's an inbuilt habit that you can choose to find your calm almost as soon as anger begins. The stronger the habit is, the sooner you catch yourself, the easier it is to control it. I'm terrible with emotions. Most of the time, I have a difficult time figuring out which one I'm feeling. But I learned the name for anger quickly and it was made clear to me that it was okay to feel angry and frustrated, but it isn't okay to let anger and frustration control me. 

I know it's hard when you have a competitiveness in you. I feel you on this. What you need to win is control over your anger and frustration. When you have that, you can practice these sports and games and life in general. As long as you can't control yourself, you're going to be a sore loser and you won't improve.


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## Tonimiko (Oct 16, 2011)

zyxwvut said:


> *Seems like you quit before you really start to learn from your mistakes.* The truth is, many of the greatest people in any sport or art practiced a ton. Losing is a way for you to understand your mistakes, and cannot be avoided.
> *
> You will lose a lot more than you win until you get good. When you get good you will win more than you lose. Simple.*
> 
> *Your ego most definitely is getting in the way,* you expect to win and when you don't you become angry. Don't expect to win, but aim to improve, and the results you want will follow


I usually quit out of frustration and have to take time to cool down. If I were to keep on going over and over again in the blinded mindset of rage and anger, I really wouldn't notice my mistakes or ways to improve.

If I could see winning and losing in terms of a ratio, that would be great. W/L ratio would go from 0.1 to 1.0 and higher over time.

My ego is definitely messing me up. I think I was just built like this. If I'm going up against someone better than me, I usually don't expect to win. But I don't expect to fail consecutively either.



Merihim said:


> It's definitely the ego. That little bitch is everywhere.


GRRR, it is SUCH a double edged sword. Or hell, it's a probably more like this:












monemi said:


> *[...] There are times when that anger comes in useful. If I'm running or swimming or lifting weights, it gives me energy and I make full use of those bursts of power I feel. But most of the time, that rage and frustration doesn't help anything. *
> *[...]
> But I learned the name for anger quickly and it was* *made clear to me that it was okay to feel angry and frustrated, but it isn't okay to let anger and frustration control me. *
> 
> *I know it's hard when you have a competitiveness in you. I feel you on this. What you need to win is control over your anger and frustration. When you have that, you can practice these sports and games and life in general. As long as you can't control yourself, you're going to be a sore loser and you won't improve.*


I've tried seeing anger in that way too. It's useful only when it is needed. That is, aggression, dominance, and competition involving explosive energy. But that in itself is destructive, especially outside of competition. I've experienced that once already.

I do need to defeat myself and my ego first before trying to defeat others, I suppose. Thanks for the tips. I wish I had someone to help me train my conscience like that.


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## userslon (Jan 29, 2013)

I see that fear of losing can be both an advantage or a disadvantage depending on what level of sore loser you are. Winning possibility - you get to be a perfectionist to avoid the feel of loser. Bad possibility - you are unkind to yourself resulting in a lowering of the self esteem. 

I seem to not care at all about losing - the down side of this is that my work suffers from it. The upside is that my life is stress-less in some areas (not all). 

Be strong, hopefully you will come to a good conclusion, or something.


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## Tonimiko (Oct 16, 2011)

userslon said:


> I see that fear of losing can be both an advantage or a disadvantage depending on what level of sore loser you are. Winning possibility - you get to be a perfectionist to avoid the feel of loser. Bad possibility - you are unkind to yourself resulting in a lowering of the self esteem.
> 
> I seem to not care at all about losing - the down side of this is that my work suffers from it. The upside is that my life is stress-less in some areas (not all).
> 
> Be strong, hopefully you will come to a good conclusion, or something.


I suppose I could see it as a small fish big pond / big fish small pond question too. Competitiveness is in my nature...but perhaps only to a certain extent. If I don't compete, I'll feel lazy and static. Choosing to sit out of a sports match because I'm afraid of losing results in me getting nowhere (and possibly fatter!).

Losing sucks and kills my self esteem. But recently, I have been noticing something. I've been playing the jets in BF3 for about 30 hours now. I have been bitching and complaining about my frustrations the entire time, unknowingly becoming so much better through it all. I don't notice the progress, because it's hidden underneath all the losing and my ego! Now I am quite decent.


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## Bear987 (May 13, 2012)

@_monemi_

I think I am jealous of having such a dad!


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## Xenograft (Jul 1, 2013)

I can't imagine if you were to play a really competitive game like Dota or CS: GO.

My advice? Push your ego out of the way, since that seems to be really getting in the way of you and progress. You gotta get over losing in life, since it's gonna happen a lot, and you can't control that. Life isn't easy, nothing is handed to you, and success and skill is earned through hard work and lots of fucking up.


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## Ben8 (Jul 5, 2013)

The older I get, the better loser I become. Maturity is definitely a component to this, in my opinion. I think when we get upset in losing, it's a confidence issue.


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