# Sitting on a Bench



## Selene (Aug 2, 2009)

Nature is beautiful because it doesn't serve a function. There's no reason for it. No box. It's just allowed to be what it is.

Preconceived notions are grounding, but they don't bind you to mother earth. They bind you to mother reason, like clockwork, diamond-cut fences, Battleship grids, stone bricks in a rectangular wall. A wall around what? Let me carefully disassemble it brick by brick, just for irony and to make a mockery of it.

Permit me to say that your body and mind, as you use them, are equally encased in plastic wrap, like a CD fresh out of the case, too perfect before the scratches, blotches, and discolorations affect it. It's easy to want a piece of bread to stay fresh...but can you understand why I want it to be covered in a forest of mossy green mold?

It is exhausting to be stared at. My friend could not understand, because he is a bricklayer, a space engineer, a laser pointer, and a power grid. He is boxy. Well, I slander him a bit maybe, but he didn't understand. I am the wave, the slime creeping and rushing and splattering, leaving a trail of muck as I walk. I am a fountain, sprinkling and showering in a parade, slowly drifting as I gracefully bless the ground with my spray and anoint people with the holiest of oils. Pure, not purified. I am here! I glow, shine with that blue neon light, which shimmers and shudders, flaring and withdrawing, inhaling to consume and exhaling to dull and shadow.

I look into Eyes, spheres of ice, and my image is distorted in them. It looks, and it says, "This is what you are! See if I care. Stop. What are you doing freak?" And an image enters my mind, of football frat-boys chuckling with that authoritative, dismissive sense of humor.

"Heh, what a ******!"
"So he was just walking around with his head down and his hands clasped together--like this. UUEHH!" [impersonations ensue]
"Hahaha, that's so weird!"
"I was tempted to just go and touch him to see what he would do."
"Neh, you might scare him."
"Hahaha."

"It's okay, I don't bite! What's your name?"

The rabbit caught in the snare looking up desperately at the eyes of the hunter. The mouse imploring the playful, devilish, bloodthirsty cat to kill him and put an end to his panic.

"What, don't you talk?"

Another pleading glance. Didn't you see my ripples before, my rainbows and waterfalls, my indigo clouds, my smoke circles and scattered ashes? I am not you. Why are you asking me to be?

"******."

He shuffles his muscular body, doing the cool waddle with the rest of his friends, and leaving weakling trash like me to gaze with awe at the sports jersey he bought at the bookstore for $49.99, and the Nike sneakers and the Nike backsack. Now, that's a real person.

Fuck you too. I can be as numb and stupid as you if I try.


----------



## shanoxilt (Dec 5, 2008)

"They bind you to mother reason, like clockwork, diamond-cut fences, Battleship grids, stone bricks in a rectangular wall."

To be completely honest, that is utter nonsense.


----------



## Selene (Aug 2, 2009)

It burns and spreads. Then it freezes and stiffens. It is relentless. But once I conform, it all disappears.

[glances up again at shanoxilt's comment and smiles faintly] I dare not offend, for that would only increase the temperature. There is no safety.

"But there is no truth to it"

[smolders and then dries up] You cannot say that. There is plenty of truth. This is how I feel.

I cannot be my ideal self around you. You destroy and disintegrate indiscriminately, the good with the bad.

[calmly] "You're making no sense."

It's nice of you to be polite. Thank you. You're right, but I have no other options right now. Or I am unwilling to change just yet. [clinging fiercely to the side of the cliff]

"When you let go, there is no gravity." [kindly, fond glance] "If you fall, I will catch you. I promise"

[hears the other voice saying] "What is this sentimental garbage?"

[is not affected by the cutting criticism...in a reverie] Oh...it has returned. When I am in love, I do not care about the outsiders. Only let me be in love. [misty-eyed]

[skeptical, stoic self] "These too are only feelings, feeble impressions which come and go. There is no stability to them. To base one's self on them is a mistake."

[winces] Ahh! Not so hard!

[more loving self giving gentle gaze again] "Do not trouble yourself with your wounds. I will heal them--"

[brutal self] "****."

Eh! Why do you have to always come back?

[pauses and considers the confusion, amusement, or bewilderment this comment will cause people, and finally chuckles]

[glances up at shanoxilt's comment a 4th time and smiles]

[looks at it a 5th time and feels anxiety]

My walls are very thin right now. Consider yourself privileged that you will see things others do not typically see. 






I forgot that this all makes for good entertainment.

"What is a poet? An unhappy man who conceals profound anguish in his heart, but whose lips are so fashioned that when sighs and groans pass over them they sound like beautiful music. His fate resembles that of the unhappy men who were slowly roasted by a gentle fire in the tyrant Phalaris' bull&#8212;their shrieks could not reach his ear to terrify him, to him they sounded like sweet music. And people flock about the poet and say to him: do sing again; Which means, would that new sufferings tormented your soul, and: would that your lips stayed fashioned as before, for your cries would only terrify us, but your music is delightful. And the critics join them, saying: well done, thus must it be according to the laws of aesthetics. Why, to be sure, a critic resembles a poet as one pea another, the only difference being that he has no anguish in his heart and no music on his lips. Behold, therefore would I rather be a swineherd on Amager, and be understood by the swine than a poet, and misunderstood by men." -Soren Kierkegaard

Ah, but I don't mind being a poet. I surprise myself by my own music. [smile]

[reads shanoxilt's comment a 6th time and laughs] You're absolutely right. [grin] But it's quite magical.

[smiles at all of it]

[a couple minutes later--reading through what I've written, and because I'm not able to logically trace the sequence by which I became mirthful again...anxious once more]

[trying to relax...bows head, shuts eyes mournfully]






(Hm. No need to look at me cock-eyed. It's my blog--I can do what I want with it.)

[avoids looking at shanoxilt's comment a 7th time, anxious]

[smile] Maybe if this is all so incoherent and nonsensical, I should just...delete it and leave a blank space in its place? ^_^ That would free up a couple kilobytes on the PC server. Well, one could calculate the exact amount... 

[glancing at the last statement and scowling] I'm reading too much into this. You didn't mean any harm. I apologize.

[glancing at some other people pouring their hearts out into posts] Strange that I don't seem to care at all. Even though if the same logic applied to me, nobody would care about what I write. Shouldn't I care about what other people write? And not be so caught up in my own ponderings?  But I wonder how many thanks this would have gotten if I posted it as a thread in the Venting sect--

>_< "No, don't say that aloud!"

Haha! Sorry about that.  Just thought everyone should know.  You only like self-disclosure when it's convenient, right? When it puts you in a positive light. Well, I'm your ugly twin. [smiles] When do I get to see the light of day?

[glancing at the whole comment] Who in their right mind would read this?  I know I wouldn't.

[opposite emerges] Eh, please don't say that...[whimpering] I want people to read it. It's demented, strange, and unintelligible...but it is the pure product of my consciousness.

[a rational voice enters] No, it isn't pure. It is still merely your interpretation of things. There were thoughts which went by unnoticed or unexpressed. As your friend would say, you've still "truncated the narrative". To say that this is the pure version of your inner reality is not entirely true. It is probably closer than normal. But then, consider the fact also that just writing under these circumstances...with the intention of sharing everything you are thinking about...has a tendency to produce a lot more confusion that normal. Under different circumstances, this thought stream would have ended a while ago, or it would have only stayed within a single voice. But because you are trying to define it, to express it completely, to voice every possible strand...you have extended the life of the battles which go unnoticed within you. These flickers and flares are typically just murmurs, but you--trying to catch a glimpse of everything going on and share it--have magnified them and caused your feelings to increase into a savage, free-for-all massacre. [weak smile] And if you continued, it would be more of the same.

"Yes, but I could do this for a long time...yeah, it's kind of problematic, isn't it? How do I stop it? Do I even want to stop it? Doesn't that go against the principle of giving free rein to my honest inner expressions?"


----------



## shanoxilt (Dec 5, 2008)

That was a nice bit of sophistry, but you entirely dodged the point. Thank you for being a dishonest prick.


----------



## Selene (Aug 2, 2009)

I wasn't trying to argue with you or convince you of anything.

If I was trying to make any point at all, it was that all attempts at defining myself concretely in rational terms fail miserably, because I am so overwhelmed by contradiction every time I attempt to center myself around an identity.

But the original post was making a different point. Which was basically that I feel imprisoned within myself in the presence of both rationalists and everyday (idiotic) non-rationalists. I'm upset by the fact that I cannot be open and honest in public without incurring judgment from others, both real and imaginary. I think that my feelings and impressions are really unique and beautiful, but other people think I'm a freak anytime I allow myself to get in touch with my true self.

So, this post was me expressing some of the feelings I enjoy/appreciate in myself (in opposition to some of the social structures which seek to lessen my humanity). And it was me venting my rage against all the outside impediments which prevent me from being my authentic self and blossoming into the beautiful person I know I'm capable of being.


----------



## shanoxilt (Dec 5, 2008)

"I'm conflicted by the fact that I cannot be open and honest in public without either incurring judgment from others, both real and imaginary."

Maybe, you could stop presenting your opinions as facts. That would really help you.


----------



## Selene (Aug 2, 2009)

It is becoming painful to continue this when you do not understand what I am saying.

[at this point, shanoxilt would say, "Then make yourself clear, stop speaking gibberish, and say things so I can understand them."]

But, I will continue in the hopes that your unadulterated reasoning will present me with a useful insight which I am not able to see from my own vantage point.

You misunderstand the meaning of "open and honest". I am not referring to anything verbal. I am not saying anything at all. I am not trying to convince anybody else of my opinions. I am not being criticized by anybody. What I am referring to is just the feeling that when I walk by people, they are looking at me as though I am a freak. Or even if they are not, I am aware of the fact that they are judging me. Giving me the typical gaze which basically just tries to hide all vulnerabilities and make the other person feel small.

But I guess I should look at what goes on in my own mind when I give people this same glance. I am scared of them. I am tense, anxious about the stranger walking past me. So, I hide everything, and I try to appear as tough as possible. Or, I stare/glance at strange people just because everybody else around me is doing it...out of habit, just to fit into the social situation. I suppose this is what other people do too--blindly follow the crowd. So, I should not be angry at them. Because they act out of fear of the unknown, and their own fear of judgment and rejection by a rejecting horde (paradoxically by doing the exact things to others which they don't want done to themselves). If I were a true Christian, I would be able to take on their harsh glances, suffer their judgment, and still give back loving glances even while I am wounded.

Edit: I shouldn't write so much. Sorry.


----------



## LadyJava (Oct 26, 2008)

" Didn't you see my ripples before, my rainbows and waterfalls, my indigo clouds, my smoke circles and scattered ashes?"

Simply beautiful.


----------



## shanoxilt (Dec 5, 2008)

Therapy: you need it.


----------



## Selene (Aug 2, 2009)

[clingy hug] Thank you, LadyJava.

shanoxilt: Your advice is not bad. But it would complicate things to get a therapist involved. I would only do that when I lost trust in my own self-awareness, or when I lost all of my outlets for creative expression. But lately, my self-awareness has been very good, and my creative outlets have been serving their function extremely well.

And good things seem to come out of my disorganized mental states. The last time that I was irrational and despondent like this continuously for several days, the Bible suddenly started to make perfect sense to me.

These periodic states of temporary disintegration deepen my self, enhance my ability to empathize with others, and tend to lead to tremendous insights which outweigh all of the suffering required for their realization. My sudden burst of love over the past week was the direct result of nearly 2 years of introspective contemplation. My current crisis is that this new self I've found comes into conflict with my surroundings. The resolution/integration will be extraordinary once it happens, although it will be difficult--as I see it, it will involve the ability to be loving, caring, sensitive, and vulnerable in situations where I am being judged or harmed by others. It will also cut off the roots of my anxiety and anger. It will not be a complete severing of my bad qualities and a true, complete love...but it will still be a great accomplishment, and the confidence-boost from that experience will bring on further evolution.

[imagining this amazing integration/unification of my private self with my everyday self] Even if it takes a whole year, with every day just as miserable as this one, if it happens...it will be worth it. In the fleeting moments where it occurred last week, it was unimaginable. To be my real self--my real self!--in public, and to not be disturbed at all by other people's opinions of me. And to actually feel warmth and affection towards those who gave me cold glances...I will see to it that this was not simply a fluke.

And if I realize this is impossible (through trial and error) then I will only come to a deeper recognition of my irrational/chaotic nature, and the necessity of surrendering myself and my growth to a higher power which works outside my control.

Maybe, someday I'll be able to emotionally integrate these two separate ways of thinking--one which wants to enhance my positive/helpful qualities/experiences, and the other which says that I don't really exist as anything at all. Intellectually, I can see it would mean just letting God guide all my growth. But I don't know what that actually means or looks like in subjective terms yet. And I suspect my concept of God will evolve considerably over time, until eventually it is finally a non-concept as all the religions predict.

Edit: But this bit about a real self...I'm sure that will disappear eventually too. Buddhist and Christian texts both predict it--the dissolution of the subject/object distinction, an experience of unity with all things, and complete renunciation of an identification/attachment to temporal things/selves. Maybe I should study these texts a bit more. It seems like maybe just through reason, I could figure something out.

[grin] They say "Don't feed the trolls", but the more I do, the more I seem to learn.

Edit2: This is all really pompous, and I wish I could delete it. I need to stop pretending like I know shit about religions. But it's been here long enough, and it's what I was actually thinking...so, it stays.


----------



## LadyJava (Oct 26, 2008)

*huggggggggs selene*


----------



## Femme (Jul 12, 2009)

I enjoyed reading this, Selene. I hope you find some form of clarity and certainty in this deep well of thought.


----------



## shanoxilt (Dec 5, 2008)

> You cannot say that. There is plenty of truth. This is how I feel.


How you feel has nothing to do with the truth value of a statement. It is either true or not true. Feelings are a reaction to the truth.


> I cannot be my ideal self around you. You destroy and disintegrate indiscriminately, the good with the bad.


This is not true either. 


> [skeptical, stoic self] "These too are only feelings, feeble impressions which come and go. There is no stability to them. To base one's self on them is a mistake."


Exactly. No joy can be discovered in such a tumult of passion. All things are transient.


> -Soren Kierkegaard


I prefer Albert Camus to Kierkegaard.


----------



## WickedQueen (Jun 1, 2009)

Shano, you need a good sex. Seriously.


----------



## LadyJava (Oct 26, 2008)

Shano:



> That was a nice bit of sophistry, but you entirely dodged the point. Thank you for being a dishonest prick.


Shano, I'm warning you again. Stop with the personal insults. That was completely uncalled for.


----------



## shanoxilt (Dec 5, 2008)

> Shano, I'm warning you again. Stop with the personal insults. That was completely uncalled for.


Your opinion was not requested.


----------



## Selene (Aug 2, 2009)

Neh, mods have to say things like that...

Please don't get yourself banned, shanoxilt--I would miss you. You always have a unique perspective on things, even if I typically disagree with it.

The mere sight of your avatar probably strikes fear into the hearts of dozens of NFs.


----------



## shanoxilt (Dec 5, 2008)

> The mere sight of your avatar probably strikes fear into the hearts of dozens of NFs.


Just look at him! He's serene and happy! I think those needles are full of drugs.


----------



## Selene (Aug 2, 2009)

Lol. At first glance, it looks like an evil squid possessing its victim.

Thanks, intpfemme. I hope so too.


----------



## snail (Oct 13, 2008)

Selene, I think you are a poetic genius. Brilliant! I wish I were half as gifted as you are. <3


----------

