# Introvert, loner, shy



## Capsicum (Mar 17, 2010)

So after being called "shy" (when I'm actually a loner) for the trillionth time today by my mum (my weekly phone call) I decided to hit the intertubez and do some research, and found that the basic agreement on Yahoo Answers and various other sites is:

Loner = shy = loner

Because I put my faith in a few people and value their opinions above all others I'm "shy". However, if I spent hours a day on the phone bragging about how many women I slept with (all supermodels) this week, and decided I was a stud based on what I drove / wore / what parties I went to, I'd be "social" and "outgoing" and "normal".

(And not every young guy wants to go to nightclubs and pick up girls, fyi).

I've never had a problem with speaking up and speaking my mind, hell, back in school I was forever being told off by teachers for being "rude and pushy".

Any other introverts out there who are as annoyed with this situation as me? :dry: How do others see you regards "shyness"?


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## TheWaffle (Aug 4, 2010)

Being "quiet" and "shy" is often used interchangeably. People call me shy all the time, when in reality I'm not. People say "Aww, that's so cute!" or pity me. It's irritating. 

But I can't really blame them though. Introversion isn't really valued in some societies, so they think it's unnatural that someone would choose to spend long amounts of time.


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## johndoe (Nov 27, 2010)

"shyness (also called diffidence) is a social psychology term used to describe the feeling of apprehension, lack of comfort, or awkwardness experienced when a person is in proximity to, approaching, or being approached by other people, especially in new situations or with unfamiliar people."

I think this applies to many introverts and loners, and if not the biological defenition is "tends to avoid human beings" which certainly describes loners.

If we don't want to look at a textbook response, it is simply the meaning shy and introverts has come to take. By most people it is accepted that such terms mean being withdrawn from social events and interactions. 

I don't necessarily believe that people making these connections is a bad thing as it's based on a recurring trend, as are many stereotypes. Until extroverts begin to systematically remove us, it has no affect on me and as such it doesn't bother me.

As for why some people then go a step further and relate introversion to being weird, it's very simple. Throughout history we have seen the mob mentality time and time again, whether it be in Tammany Hall or at the picket line. It is no different in this situation, because in our society extroverts outnumber introverts and as a result are considered the norm. Which through an overly simplistic system makes us the odd ones.


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## Darner (Apr 20, 2010)

Try this: instead of "shy", make it "anti-social". It sounds much crappier than shy but at least it makes people understand that you are not afraid of them, you just don't want to be with them. It helped me because I had the opposite problem; I was never called shy because I'm too direct and I have no problems with starting a conversation with anybody, I just usually don't want to. But - before knowing about introversion - I thought of myself as shy because I didn't know any other "diagnosis" for my preferences of being closed in a room all day long. I was juggling between shyness and misanthropy and finally found out about I- and E-version. Sadly, a big part of the society does not understand it as well as it is described for example in MBTI.


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## Malovane (Jul 12, 2010)

Not sure what's wrong with the term loner. Never meant shy in my book - just someone who didn't feel like kissing ass to get validation from a bunch of people he/she didn't care about.


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## Daveman (May 16, 2010)

"Reserved" may be a better term for you, Capsicum. It may sound "stuck up" to people, but I think it gets the point across well. 

"Shyness" is all about fear. 

I've been both, but I have discovered that I can enjoy myself without being either. I can be outgoing in kind of a quirky and playfully sarcastic way. 

Some go for that and some don't. Oh well.


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## Galaris (Sep 2, 2009)

I don't think that introverts has to be necessarily shy. I know lots of ISTPs that interact very well, but they are Introverts, no doubt. I think that ISTPs are the type that socialize the best /poor English

I even know a no-shy INFP. But well, I admit that's actually hard to find xD


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## Capsicum (Mar 17, 2010)

> But I can't really blame them though. Introversion isn't really valued in some societies, so they think it's unnatural that someone would choose to spend long amounts of time.


In some it's viewed as outrightly pathological. :frustrating:

And think of how almost every serial killer is described as a man "who kept to himself" even when many were highly social. :dry:



> I think this applies to many introverts and loners, and if not the biological defenition is "tends to avoid human beings" which certainly describes loners.


True, though I would think of "shy" as someone who doesn't speak up when they should, whereas a lonerwould speak up if they had to.



> Try this: instead of "shy", make it "anti-social".


My friends already call me this. :crazy:


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## OrangeAppled (Jun 26, 2009)

I am all three of these things :crazy:, but as mentioned, they are all different. I am also mostly reserved, but can be animated at times.

Introversion means a focus on your inner world, because you are easily stimulated by the outer world and therefore easily overwhelmed. Hence, the association to want a lot of alone time and to avoid situations where there is too much stimulus (ie loud parties).

Shyness is a mild social anxiety. It's a fear of how you will act or be percieved in social situations. It inhibits you, especially with new people. Usually, shy people become comfortable with familiar people, as they know how they will be perceived and feel less inhibited.

Loners are people who are independent and prefer to do things alone than with a posse. They tend to need a lot of space and have little need to identify with a group or belong to a clique. 

Reserved is a demeanor, but is not shyness because it's not a matter of fear inhibiting the true self. It's also not introversion, although many are reserved to conserve energy, and most extroverts are not. Reserved means a person is not very animated in expression, tends to be quiet & calm & composed, and may hold people at arm's length. 

An important point is that extroverts can be loners and shy, and occasionally reserved (some ETJs can seem reserved, IMO), and introverts are not necessarily any of those. I personally believe that introverts are more prone to being shy, loners, and reserved though. It's easy to see how their natural introversion could lead to those traits.


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## Blazy (Oct 30, 2010)

Don't get affected too much by being called "shy." The general population is just too thick-headed to understand introverts.


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## openedskittles (May 24, 2009)

UNRELATED: I read the OP's name as "Capri Sun" when I glanced at it, lol!


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## Darner (Apr 20, 2010)

Capsicum said:


> So after being called "shy" (when I'm actually a loner) for the trillionth time today by my mum (my weekly phone call)


I've just got the same thing - weekly phone call from my 1300-km-far mother, she asked me what am I doing tonight and for Christmas because all my friends are with their families, I said I'm going to the capital and her response was: "... Alone? ... Like a poor man?"I guess she has some point, it's still Christmas, but she's also too E to ever go anywhere alone. So now she is so sad for me


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## NeedMoreKnowledge (Nov 2, 2010)

I'm both shy and a loner. I figure somebody has to keep these stereotypes alive, may as well be me :laughing:


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## MrShatter (Sep 28, 2010)

I have absolutely no mob mentality, annoying really, I kind of see it as a disadvantage, because I have no desire to be a part of anything, I won't run to catch up with anyone, I don't slow down, If no one sits next to me, no biggie. If someone does, no biggie, I often end up doing things by myself and this led to the loner status, I haven't been called shy yet though... I think people just view me as marching to my own drumbeat... confidently too. They don't bother me, I don't bother them, (come to think of it, if they do bother me, I STILL don't bother them )


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## sea cucumber (Oct 14, 2010)

After a while people do my head in and I need to be alone. I need time out. I cant think straight aroud people, they are noisy.
I can't be arsed with people I don't like. I don't need lots of people. I enjoy spending time alone as much as I enjoy spending time with people I like. People I don't know or like then I won't bother to get to them if I don't have to. to much effort, to much noise and shit to think about. 
Shy NO WAY!
quiet around new people but in the complany of people I know, NO WAY.
confident yes very. I think i know shy extroverts. They seem to hang around people all the time and don't like being alone, they freack and yet they are also very quiet.


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## DJArendee (Nov 27, 2009)

I'm shy, they're unintelligent. There, we're equal.


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## scarygirl (Aug 12, 2010)

It doesn't matter. People usually use the wrong words for the wrong terms about wrong realities. People don't get a thing. What you say is true. I am not shy but I can be introverted. I think it's a healthy way to be in the world, and as long as it's yours...
In fact, I hate it when I am very extroverted. I've learnt to be extroverted, but something deep down feels it was not me. I am gentle, and all that, but...I'm not really extroverted. I can seem it, though.


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