# How to be good with kids?



## Elvira (Dec 1, 2011)

Hey everyone  I know this is kind of a vague question, but how can I 'be good with kids'? I have a twin brother, and my youngest cousin is only four years younger than me, so I've never really had much experience among youngsters. I'm going to babysit soon and will probably work with children in my future job. I'm afraid I come off as cold to them (I'm an INFJ if that means anything!) because I don't really know what to say to them. It takes me a while to warm up to them, and it's kind of hard for me to be a disciplinarian ("Hey, stop climbing up that wall!")

I really like kids but I just don't know how to act around them. I'm used to talking to grown ups and I know that kids are a different story completely! I've been trying to think of fun games to play with them, and I came up with the idea of having a sticker chart and they could be rewarded with a sticker at the end of the day if they behave and help clean up. Maybe it could be motivation for them, but I'm not sure.

Does anyone have any advice on what I can do around children to get them to feel comfortable? Any tips on games, babysitting, and how to act around them? 

Thanks for the advice!


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## Antipode (Jul 8, 2012)

The best advice is to learn the line between authority and friend. When you learn that line, many things will fall into line.

The thing you need to do first is earn the child's respect, and once that's accomplished, they tend to follow your rules. "The best teacher is not the one who has the strongest, loudest voice--it is the one who doesn't have to use that voice."

Now, those are just words, and not actions--that is something you need to figure out because every child is different. Some, quiet kids like to know there is a responsible adult in the room, because it makes them feel safe: so having a pre-set rules would be nice for them.

And then there is the wildly opposite side of the spectrum of kids who are much more active. You can tend to earn their respect by being reasonable.

Kid: "Can I go out back with my friends?"
You: "No."

That will quickly cause them to disrespect you.

Kid: "Can I go out back with my friends?"
You: "What do you plan on doing?"
Kid: "We are just going to play ball, please?"
You: "Tell you what--you can have ten minutes but after we need to clean up for dinner!"

Obviously there will be times when your rule has to be above his want for you to be reasonable--but that tends to be more for the parents than the babysitter. 

Your idea of a chart is fantastic, but you need "immediate" rewards. Not rewards that will come much later. If you were going to babysit them for a whole weekend, then you could have a chart that rewards "tv watching" minutes. 

The much more creative the better--and let them fill the chart out; they feel more accomplished that way.


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## Elvira (Dec 1, 2011)

Thanks for the advice!  I'm babysitting them for about 7 hours each day, 3 hours a day. What ideas can you think of for a chart? Do you think I should have a 'if you get X amount of stickers you can do this' rule? Or do you think I should make the results more immediate than that, and if so, how would I go about doing that?

You make a very good point with respect as well. I guess I'm just kind of worried on how to tell them 'no', but I really like your idea of compromising. I just know that as a babysitter, I can't talk to them the same way as their close relatives. For example, their aunt is very vocal with them if they do something wrong, but that's just her style and it works for the kids. But I remember I babysat another little boy whose mom used 'that voice' frequently (she also spanked him a lot). I had never really babysat before, but it was impossible to get him to listen; I had to use 'that voice' to get him to obey me, and I really didn't like talking to him like that over little things (like to stop jumping on the bed)

Also, the kids are pretty little, so I'm trying to think of games they can play (their ages are 4, 7, and 8). They like to play in the park and play 'red light, green light' but I've also been trying to think of educational games they can play. I'm trying to think of things that won't go over the almost-five year old's head, but not be boring for the two older ones.

I'm a little afraid of crying too. The little one cries when she is afraid, and usually not because she is actually hurt. Her aunt really knows how to calm her down, but I'm afraid I won't know how to.


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## Antipode (Jul 8, 2012)

That's one of the challenges with babysitting: the parents have already created their own ways of raising their child. And while I don't necessarily agree with a lot of parental styles, it is their child. So, you could ask their parental figures what rules they use, and you use them yourself. Although I'm a little more of a rebel and I can't help but treat children the way the should be treated--kindness, respect, love, and, must we not forget, authority. You'd be surprised how even the most wild child craves a sense of secure authority. 

The chart is a tricky one, because it is most effective with a day to day basis. But, you seem to say that you will be babysitting them for many weeks--so I'm guessing you're almost like a hired nanny, in which case, a behavior chart with a "chore" chart would be very useful. People naturally think of "candy" as a reward, but that's lazy  You need to get to know those kids and understand what exactly they view as a personal reward.

I don't babysit, but one time I agreed to watching a family with 2 boys and 2 girls confused and one of the wild, always on top of furniture boys really loved to play monopoly, and his parents hardly ever played board games. So--since I was just there for a day, I made a long-term goal rather than immediate--his reward was for us all to play monopoly with him. That made his day haha.

There is also the other side, the "negative" reinforcement. Meaning--they do something good--so you reward with good; they do something wrong--you reward with bad. This is something I agree with, and something I don't agree with--as all parenting advice is. You said there was a mother who spanks her kids a lot; I'm not okay with that; however, I do agree with spanking your children when they directly disobey your authority--but even then, it needs to be in a loving correcting manor, not out of anger.

Haha now I'm just going on and on xD You won't be spanking kids, obviously. 

Games are great. Most of the older kids tend to do their own thing, while the younger ones latch on to the babysitter. The family from before were from my church, and they were devout about teaching their children about the Bible. So they had "versus" they had to read. But instead, I turned it into a game rather than just them reading. You could do some of the same things with their educational needs. 

The thing about parenting in general is that no book, no advice, no words will really do much. Raising a child is day to day--month to month. You just need to get to know them and understand them--which is why INFJs do best :wink:

OH, which reminds me. You should feel blessed for being an INFJ when dealing with children. We are a very likable bunch, and I can tell you use your Fe a lot, which will help you. I believe INFJs have a natural affinity to "innocence," which children greatly gravitate to. You don't need to worry--they will like you. But that is also the INFJ weakness: we have a hard time drawing the line between "teacher-and-friend." As you stated before, you have a hard time telling them no. Kids do not like being told no--they liked AND DESERVE to feel as if their thoughts and opinions matter; so even if you have to say no, you could give the child the time to explain himself so he feels as if his thoughts were heard. 

Your main goal for the first week is to establish that line between authoritativeness and friend. 

What I do, which has never failed for me:

You walk in the house, parents greet you--awkward talking--and then they kiss their kids goodbye as if they are going off to war--and they leave the house.

The children look at you, and in an instant they decide, "Hum, can I pull one over her head, or is she going to put me in my place."

Which is your cue to say, "So I am aware that you kids have some (chores, homework, anything) to do. Let's head to the dinner table and get that done with right away, shall we?" with a smile.

The kids look up and go, "Crap, she's the authoritative type!" 

And from there, you can call your authoritarian tone down and become more friendly. The point is, you've established a line from the get-go. You might have heard the funny quote geared towards teachers, "Don't smile until December." Hahaha.

Wow--that was a lot, sorry xD Helping children is pretty much my passion.

EDIT: Also, if you are still interested, two of my favorite "parenting" books are: Dare to Discipline, and The Strong-Willed Child ~ by Dr. Dobson


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## Jewl (Feb 28, 2012)

@Elvira - Well, I think @Crono91 has already given brilliant advice. I only have one thing I would like to add. 

I remember when I was very little and I remember when adults and teenagers would talk to me with that "tone". It was the "I am older and I am talking to somebody younger than me" tone. It was just fake to me. I remember this one babysitter I liked because even though she talked to me more at my level, I suppose you could say, she wasn't fake about it. So I'd like to bring up the point that even at age five, these little kids can understand a lot. I just had a eight year old over at our house and he was very capable and very on top of things. He understood a lot! There is a big gap between five and eight, but five year olds are still quite capable as well. 

Be interested and don't feel the need to dumb it down too much. I suppose treat them more like "potential adults" than getting stuck in the "little kid" mind set. If that makes sense. 

And yeah, don't be scared of getting a little firm. I know that can be scary. One time this kid I was babysitting got very upset over something not going her way (she did have a bit of the 'princess syndrome' although overall she was a sweet enthusiastic girl) -- she did't get the pair of goggles she wanted so she decided to sit down all huffishly. Her siblings (two brothers) weren't very nice about it either and everybody got negative. So I just decided, "Well, I guess we won't be swimming until you all are ready." The effect was magic: the two brothers instantly became less negative and wanted to swim. The girl took the longest, but I gave her the choice: "Hey, you can come with us or you can stay here, all right?" 

Just as we were leaving to go to the pool, she decided to come with us. So you don't have to be mean about it -- just firm.


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## Solitude315 (Feb 28, 2012)

A sticker chart won't work on 70% of children. There has to be some sort of prize in order for it to be effective. You could do a 'For every five stickers, you get a toy' but your toys better be damned good. I watched over my next door neighbors a few times during the day. They always wanted to play with their friends and were generally good about cleaning up after themselves, so I let them hang out with them whenever they wanted to. Never once did I have to discipline them. There was only one time when the siblings got into a fight, but I managed to cool that down by basically telling the older one to stop playing victim and took the younger one to play video games. I pretty much let them do anything they wanted to as long as it didn't hurt them. When it wold, I said no and gave them suggestions on what else they could do. Their parents are pretty 'relaxed' parents, not that I agree with it, but it's not my place to enforce my rules on their kids. 

Also, treat them with respect; don't treat them like kids. Discipline as little as necessary. I did that, and I found them to be easy to get along with. You're only watching them, not raising them.


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## ilphithra (Jun 22, 2010)

I wish I could give you advice but whenever I'm with kids, it goes something like this:

*Scenario: Random familiar/friend kid party.*
Me: Wanders around a bit and stands a bit away watching the kids play.
Kids: See me and decide I'm a good playmate. 
Me: Wondering why they suddenly are all happy that I'm around.
Kids: Proceed to stick to me like superglue without me even moving a finger. 
*
Scenario: Out with my neighbor's gran-daughter. She decides to throw a tantrum. *
Me: Stares coldly at her in silence.
Her: Looks at me and yaps out some more.
Me: Still staring impassively.
Her: Stops yapping and seems to be trying to understand why I don't give a fig.
Me: Can we go now or do you intend to mop the floor with your clothes some more?
Her: Gets up and off we go.

*Scenario: Kid needs to do homework but wants to play.*
Me: You have stuff to do.
Kid: I don't want to.
Me: You have stuff to do.
Kid: Throws tantrum.
Me: You can either do your homework or I can hang you from the ceiling by your ears.
Kid: You wouldn't.
Me: Looks at the kid in the eye: Try me... 
Kid: Starts making homework.

I have a nice collection of voice tones and stares and the fact that I have a deep voice also helps pull some points across.

I just don't get why kids tend to glue to me when I'm not even trying to make them laugh or play with them... it really boggles me.


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## Antipode (Jul 8, 2012)

ilphithra said:


> I just don't get why kids tend to glue to me when I'm not even trying to make them laugh or play with them... it really boggles me.


Kids are like adults--except adults learned to be wary of their words, and kids are grown to wary not using their words.

Perhaps you give off an innocent vibe; or perhaps you seem nice: they instantly see that and want to be by you :] Depending on the age of the child it could be many things.


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## Helios (May 30, 2012)

One word: *Patience*.


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## Elvira (Dec 1, 2011)

Solitude315 said:


> A sticker chart won't work on 70% of children. There has to be some sort of prize in order for it to be effective. ...Also, treat them with respect; don't treat them like kids. Discipline as little as necessary. I did that, and I found them to be easy to get along with. You're only watching them, not raising them.


I was wondering about the sticker chart lol. I know some kids will see right through that. I just know that they are common in schools and that behavioral psychology (rewards, etc.) is effective...sometimes. 

And I think it's hard for me to not see them as little kids! I know that I should treat them more like adults, but I guess I just haven't had experience with that much. That's why I'm trying really hard to think of activities they can do that won't be 'babyish' for the older ones. I think the youngest one might like it if I bring my guitar and sing kid's songs, but the other ones...I'm not so sure. As an eight year old, I probably would have though it was lame (haha). But if they're into songs, there's a lot you can do with them; there are a lot of dances that go along with songs and you can integrate educational material into them. 

Maybe I'm just over-thinking all of this. I guess the 'J' side of me!


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## Solitude315 (Feb 28, 2012)

Yeah. You just have to make it clever enough. Even if they do see through it, if you have cool stuff (maybe something that they couldn't get normally and you don't care about) they still might play into it just for that. My mother's a teacher in the inner-city and she uses a prize system on her second graders and she has one of the most well-behaved classes in the school while keeping scores high.

That's true. the kids I watched I've known for years, so it was a little easier too. Lol, it just depends on the kids' songs. Generally, they'll find them lame unless they're motivated. One suggestion might be to bring a 'craft'. It doesn't have to big anything big (one time the older kid just used Popsicle sticks and tacky glue to make a box that turned out half way decent, then I gave her Crayola watercolors to paint it), but I found it to keep the girl, who has a low attention span, busy for a good hour/half hour depending on the craft.

Lol not really over-thinking it. I had ambitions to raise the kids, too. Then, the first day happened and that went out the window. If I was watching over them in the long-term, I would've made more of an effort, but it just wasn't worth it to face hostility without any of it leading to something.


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## Joseph (Jun 20, 2012)

No offense to Crono, but I don't think there needs to be a balance of authority/fun. 

Children are the easiest people to deal with, to teach. They are so pure of heart and direct in their desires that it makes it easy and enjoyable to interact with them. I can understand children so easily. When I babysat as a high-schooler it all came down to treating the kids with respect. I legitimately take interest in what they feel because I can identify with how they are feeling. They are talked down to by adults their whole lives. Similarly, I (and most teenagers) had those stuffy domineering bosses talk down to me, it feels awful. So I played their games, watched their shows, and treat them like a little brother/sister more than a parental figure. 

I find children more enlightening and philosophical than adults, without them even realizing it.


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## Antipode (Jul 8, 2012)

Haha no offense either, but I'm sure there are about--I don't know--a couple million parents who would disagree with you that children are always perfect little angels.


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## CrabbyPaws (Mar 5, 2012)

I think the best way to be good with kids is to just go down to their level. Kids like to feel like their opinion is important even if the conclusion doesn't go the way they want it to, they still like to feel like they are being heard and they count. Just imagine how you wanted to be seen and talked to as a child.
Try to relate to them as your equal, a human being who's emotions and feelings are just as valid, if not more tender than your own, and at the same time think of yourself as a role model. Hope to not add too much pressure to you, but kids do look up to you. Don't tell them to act the way you want them to, act yourself the way you want them to act... be that example. 
Like @Crono91 said which I very much agree with, you have to find that balance between being a friend and being an authorative figure. So be firm but also appeal to them, explain clearly and be understanding. 
I know this is silly but I treat kids how I would treat my friends. I am kind and understanding to their feelings, see them as individuals, and at the same time I am honest (not blunt) and true to myself, because I think that it's not only my right, it is also their right to have only honesty. 
So if they want to go outside but can't because it is getting dark and dangerous, I would just tell them that I understand and I know they want to play but it is getting dark and it is dangerous, so we could do something inside and go out tomorrow. Or something like that. So treat them like a kid in the sense that be gentle and patient, and at the same time treat them as an adult in the sense that their opinions do count and be honest and remain firm. 
Whatever you do, don't give into puppy dog eyes. If they get to that point just cuddle them and explain that it is not in your control, and then distract them with something else. 

Children are very easy to manipulate and distract, they honestly don't care which option they opt for as long as it is fun. And if they have to do something boring like a chore, make sure you mention they can do something fun after if they do the chore. Always use positive reinforcement. Don't do the "if you don't do this, I will do this!", do the "if you do do this, you can have this". I know when I was a child, if the word 'don't' came into it, I was automatically 10x more interested in doing it. 

Well good luck! Whenever you get stuck, just remember being a child and how you felt and how you wanted to be treated. And if you realise at moments "I wouldn't have listened to that anyway" then that is a good observation, it will allow you to remain strong even when they don't quite understand, because you know it is for their own good.


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## Joseph (Jun 20, 2012)

Crono91 said:


> Haha no offense either, but I'm sure there are about--I don't know--a couple million parents who would disagree with you that children are always perfect little angels.


I don't mean to sound so nonconformist but I value your opinion and belief system more than a million strangers I don't know. :tongue:

Children may not always be angels, but that doesn't mean you can't treat them with respect. If you treat them like children, they'll act like children. There is so much institutional authority that restrains our lives in other places, I'd rather have children feel respected, safe, and grow.


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## Antipode (Jul 8, 2012)

Joseph said:


> I don't mean to sound so nonconformist but I value your opinion and belief system more than a million strangers I don't know. :tongue:
> 
> Children may not always be angels, but that doesn't mean you can't treat them with respect. If you treat them like children, they'll act like children. There is so much institutional authority that restrains our lives in other places, I'd rather have children feel respected, safe, and grow.


Dude, I know--my entire reply was based around the idea that parents and others who oversee children that they need to treat them as if their thoughts matter, because they do matter. But too much of either side is too much. If it works for you, then you should surely keep up with it because you are most likely doing something right that most people can't do.

But children "need" authority in their life. They need to know that there is someone who will keep them safe if someone steps out of line, or if even they step out of line. 

However, parenting styles are very debatable--so if it works for you then I'm glad roud:


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## Dark NiTe (Mar 5, 2012)

#1. Use authoritative style, not authoritarian (assuming you're going to be dedicated with lots of time with them, as indicated by OP)
#2. Use authoritative style, not authoritarian

Not sure if it applies or not, but believe me, there is nothing worse than being an N-dom child who hears nothing but "because I said so" throughout their childhood :|


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## Trinidad (Apr 16, 2010)

How do you know you like kids and want to work with them if you've never really been around them and don't know what to say to them? Or is this babysitting gig a test?
I'm not judging you, just wondering 

Btw, CrabbyPaws had some very good advice IMO.


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## Tad Cooper (Apr 10, 2010)

Elvira said:


> Hey everyone  I know this is kind of a vague question, but how can I 'be good with kids'? I have a twin brother, and my youngest cousin is only four years younger than me, so I've never really had much experience among youngsters. I'm going to babysit soon and will probably work with children in my future job. I'm afraid I come off as cold to them (I'm an INFJ if that means anything!) because I don't really know what to say to them. It takes me a while to warm up to them, and it's kind of hard for me to be a disciplinarian ("Hey, stop climbing up that wall!")
> 
> I really like kids but I just don't know how to act around them. I'm used to talking to grown ups and I know that kids are a different story completely! I've been trying to think of fun games to play with them, and I came up with the idea of having a sticker chart and they could be rewarded with a sticker at the end of the day if they behave and help clean up. Maybe it could be motivation for them, but I'm not sure.
> 
> ...


I find it's a lot about how you present yourself to them. You need to seem sure of yourself, but fun and interesting too (just think that you are and make the thought spread out from your body. Like animals smell fear, kids smell fun).
I think being able to get to their level and understand them helps. Let them make some decisions about what you do (i.e. suggest a few options of activities and then let them choose what they like, or change them to suit themselves).
Encourage good behaviour a lot (I find clapping and cheering makes my niece really happy when she's done something good) and ignore them when they behave badly (I just say "No" and then ignore them until they get bored of it, which is fast when they have no attention on them).
Be funny. Humor and kids is like jam and bread: it works a treat! I found my niece and nephew think I'm brilliant just because I act a bit silly, mess around with them in a physical way (like swinging them around etc) and making silly faces (my niece said I'm really funny and asks me to do funny things all the time).

I think the main thing is to show them you respect them and that you're in charge. Don't let them walk all over you, but don't be overbearing and boring or they wont want to spend time with you (my niece and nephew's grandparents on their dad's side make the kids nervous and not want to visit them because they're too strict and boring).


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## Elvira (Dec 1, 2011)

Trinidad said:


> How do you know you like kids and want to work with them if you've never really been around them and don't know what to say to them? Or is this babysitting gig a test?
> I'm not judging you, just wondering
> 
> Btw, CrabbyPaws had some very good advice IMO.


LOL I know that sounds a little strange! I guess I lied; I babysat a 2 and a 4 year old with my best friend and her family for 2 weeks when I was like 14. I really enjoyed the experience, but I had a lot of support as well. 

Kids just fascinate me; they seem to see the world in a different way. I'm really interested in how they learn and develop (I'm attracted to the subjects of Education and Development Psychology). I guess you could say that I have 'book knowledge' about kids through psychology and education classes, but I want to see how kids _really_ are in real life. 

It's also something I'm attracted to because I see so much potential in kids, because their behavior isn't as fixed as adults. While they do have temper tantrums and cry, they seem a lot more excitable and open to new things. Also, I think part of the reason I'm attracted to working with kids is because it's something relatively new to me, and I'm excited to explore 'uncharted waters'. 

I think the babysitting will help me gauge how I like the younger age group. I was planning on working with high schoolers, but I think working with kiddos might suit me better


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