# HELP! Dating a strong INFJ, serious questions . .



## CuriousKitten (May 17, 2010)

I have been dating a very strong INFJ for about 4 months now. I am hitting a few speed bumps and I am hoping to get some good input/advice from the forum 

I'll preface this by saying that I am a ESFJ, but my Dad is a strong INFJ, so I am used to dealing with the personality type. I am sure part of the similarities between my Dad and the guy I'm dating is why I am so attracted him.

Here is my issue: we are very close in conversation and even natural attraction/ chemistry, BUT the relationship is not progressing physically at all :sad: 

Not kissing, no real touching, not even holding hands. Honestly, he isn't even physically comfortable around me. He 'loves' our times together, but I can also see that he struggles with his shyness the whole time. 

Rationally I know enough about INFJ's to know that the depth of personal information and other indicators, does indicate that he is interested and even committed in a way, but I'm at a loss as to how to move it forward.

Ancillary relevant information about his specific situation:

*he is 40 years old, and has been separated for 9 years (divorced for 3)
*he had a terrible marriage and horrible divorce (cheating, lies, drugs . .all the things that an INFJ hates)
*I know he hasn't dated much at all after his divorce, literally only one or two women
*he is very shy
*emotionally he can tell me things about himself that he has told no one else, so we are 'connected' on that plane. 
*also, he trusts me, and I realize that is a biggie.


SOOOO, help me! How do I move it forward??

Heck, I even hinted at bribing him for a kiss one time, and he still didn't kiss me 


**also, should I move this thread somewhere?


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## thewindlistens (Mar 12, 2009)

Well, you could try doing what you're doing now, dropping hints, but since that probably won't work maybe you should have an open conversation with him about this? I'm sure you're both reasonable enough.


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## agokcen (Jan 3, 2010)

Well, I can't say that this is a unique situation. My INFJ ex would have _never _gone the physical route had I not pushed the subject and been the one to initiate at first. After I broke the metaphorical ice, he became more comfortable with physical affection, but considering your INFJ's apparent relationship baggage, he's probably going to be even more difficult to bring out of his shell. In the end, your only option is directness. First try making the move yourself, and if that doesn't work, just talk to him about it. Clearly he's not going to do anything (which isn't necessarily something to be concerned about at this point, because we're talking about an INFJ, here), so you've got to take action in some way.


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## BlissfulDreams (Dec 25, 2009)

I haven't been in a romantic relationship before but I think I can relate to some of what you have said about your boyfriend and I may be able to shed some light on to why he may be behaving the way he is.

Because he has only dated one or two women since his divorce, the wounds of his divorce may still be fresh in his mind and in his heart. You may feel like he should have been able to deal with most of the hurt feelings by now, but it may still weigh heavy on him. I know that I replay hurtful words that people have said to me and traumatizing situations over and over in my mind. They seem to haunt me. He may need to feel safe, that you understand what he's going through/been through, and to be sure that you aren't like his ex-wife. He may be experiencing doubt where he's scared that the relationship could fold at any given time and being extra cautious to avoid getting hurt again. Personally, I put up walls to protect myself. He may also feel unworthy of love, to a certain extent, due to the way he has been treated in the past.

I don't suggest making a move on him if you do not understand the reasoning behind his actions first. This may scare him as he may not know where this is coming from or how to deal with the situation without hurting you, if he doesn't feel ready. Be assertive without being judgmental and try to understand where the nervousness and avoidant behaviour may be coming from.

Also, I think the thread is fine where it is.


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## Tatl33 (Apr 26, 2010)

Well it sounds like your trying to progress things a bit too quick if he isn't even ready to "hold your hand." 
Just try small steps until he finally feels comfortable around him. Also ask him WHY he isn't comfortable doing these things. It may seem obvious (for the reasons you mentioned) but there could be more to it. 
Good luck :wink:


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## successinfj (Mar 23, 2010)

CuriousKitten said:


> I have been dating a very strong INFJ for about 4 months now. I am hitting a few speed bumps and I am hoping to get some good input/advice from the forum
> 
> I'll preface this by saying that I am a ESFJ, but my Dad is a strong INFJ, so I am used to dealing with the personality type. I am sure part of the similarities between my Dad and the guy I'm dating is why I am so attracted him.
> 
> ...


As a INFJ male my advice would be make the first move, when it comes stuff like we infj males are slow.


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## Matchbook (Jul 8, 2010)

CuriousKitten said:


> I have been dating a very strong INFJ for about 4 months now. I am hitting a few speed bumps and I am hoping to get some good input/advice from the forum
> 
> I'll preface this by saying that I am a ESFJ, but my Dad is a strong INFJ, so I am used to dealing with the personality type. I am sure part of the similarities between my Dad and the guy I'm dating is why I am so attracted him.
> 
> ...


CuriousKitten,

As hard as it may be to do, try not to take these things as a personal rejection against you. I think that I can give a good response to you that may help.

Based on his past history, he has some damaged trust, and for an INFJ, that can take some serious time and experience to heal. Affection to an INFJ, and also to myself as an INFP, is a very serious form of communication. It has to "feel" right. Because of the trust apprehensions in your INFJ partner, it will be reflected in the physical affection apprehension. Because you seem to be showing such interest in moving the physical part of the relationship forward, there may be a fear within your INFJ partner that if that were to happen that other important areas of the relationship that pertain to expression to each other and trust development will become overshadowed. This could be because he fears that heightened physical affection, either given or received, will siphon his attention, and that he may neglect other form of intimacy. Or he may be concerned that you may do this. 

He recognizes he is in need of healing, and he probably does not view physicality as being the most integral way to heal within a relationship, so he may prioritize relationship communication and activities in such a way that seem most safe and conducive to growth. This does not mean he doesn't want physicality with you. When you hinted to him that you would bribe him for a kiss, even if in jest, it could potentially heighten his suspicion, because he may be unsure about the level of your priorities within the relationship, and that your desire for physical affection may become too much of a focus. Either consciously or unconsciously he may be testing you or himself (Will she stay with me and maintain an interest in intimacy with me even without the physical aspect? Can I prove to myself that I can do the same?) If this is the case, he may begin to move things forward physically when he feels confident and trusting that you will love him and maintain interest in him even without physicality.

Maybe not all of those things apply, but likely some it does. Your knowledge of your situation will allow you to recognize what you think applies. The solution, I believe, is for you to not push on the physical issue, but state to him that it is something important to you, but that because you love and respect him, you will give him the time he needs to figure out when he is ready to move forward, and to let you know as he progresses. Then wait and see how it develops for as long as you are able. These words may encourage his trust, but your actions will help too, as you follow this up by directing focus into the other aspects of the relationship. If he still seems that he can't move forward decisively and remains silent on the issue, broach it again when you believe it is needed. 

Also, some people just don't want to develop the physical part of the relationship until closer to marriage or marriage, myself included. So you may want to find out if that is the case for him.


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## fire469 (Nov 17, 2010)

Just hold his hand! Or, if you feel your relationship is ready, go to a movie or something then just kiss him if he doesn't kiss you first. He might freak out at first, but secretly he'll be glad you did it. As an INFJ, I'm terrible at expressing my feelings or anything like that. Mostly it's because I don't know how to, I am terrible with my words, and I am afraid the other person won't feel the same.


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## jbking (Jun 4, 2010)

*Just a few things....*

Could we flip this for a moment? Does he know you want that physical contact? What is in it for him to do this? Granted this is a logical way of seeing this, but maybe that perspective could help move things along. Are you encouraging him to get through his shyness or is it more that he has to do this for himself? When you are with him, are you in his comfort zone or is he outside of it that may be causing him some anxiety?

I suppose what I'm asking here is to consider what does he know you want and what incentives does he have to try that. Another thought here is to consider something like the "5 Love Languages" where perhaps for him, Physical Touch isn't his but could be yours that he doesn't know that and so how is he to know to just try it? While I haven't had many relationships, hopefully this is insightful in some way.


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