# NF: Do INT's Mess Up Your World?



## j3321 (Nov 19, 2009)

I am an INTJ and am in a little bit of a tussle with an INFJ right not now. I am giving her the cold shoulder right now and a cold shoulder frmo an INTJ is really one cold shoulder. I am so indifferent to her existence at this moment I honestly can walk by her like she is invisible. I am utterly apathetic to her "games."

But one thing I notcied which is funny is I think she can't stand this. She gets really desperate and panicky and I think my emotional wall is throwing her off her game. Now I understand NF's are observant of people and I'm wondering if you can confirm this for me. Would you say a personality like an INTJ who can utterly shut off certain realities they are not interested drive you crazy? When you lose your ability to read people do you feel like you've totally lost control of the situation?

I'm wondering if my coldness is throwing her into a panic becuase now she has nothing to work with, she can't read me. Is that the NF's main "weapons" in life? (Sorry if that's too militant sounding).



P.S. This is one cruel INFJ and desreves the coldest shoulder that could happen. You guys can turn into the most self-deluded liars to avoid any kind of confrontation with non-harmonious reality.


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## j3321 (Nov 19, 2009)

And by the way, the INFJ-INTJ relatinship DOES NOT WORK. I've been in two and it has been catastrophic both times. I'm a pretty emotionally mature INTJ, I'm not the harsh, condescending version. I'm pretty proud of how nice I am for an INTJ, yet, this is still not nearly good enough for INFJ's.

It is a hopeless match up.


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## Grey (Oct 10, 2009)

Firstly, I would say that you ought not say a type pairing can't work. Yours may have not, but others can definitely succeed - if you want an actual example, go to infj.com, where an INFJ (Vicky Jo) and her husband, an INTJ, help run several sites about typology.

And, yes, I've seen this personally happen myself. I've tried not to throw up such a wall as a defensive tactic any more, but I've broken friendships and had several outbursts aimed at my person after it was done. I've also encountered this with several other types (ENTP, ISTJ, for example) that were driven nuts by the strategy.

It's not a good tactic, but it does work.


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## j3321 (Nov 19, 2009)

I was just being bitter. Sarcasm.

I actually wasn't trying to use it as a tactic, I was just doing what came naturally and I realized how much it throws her off. I thought it was funny and I wondered if anyone else could confirm my theory.


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## Alchemical Romance (Nov 26, 2009)

*Good people to have a debate with, i'm not so sure about relationships though
*


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## Vagabond (Oct 25, 2009)

j3321 said:


> Would you say a personality like an INTJ who can utterly shut off certain realities they are not interested drive you crazy? When you lose your ability to read people do you feel like you've totally lost control of the situation?
> 
> I'm wondering if my coldness is throwing her into a panic becuase now she has nothing to work with, she can't read me. Is that the NF's main "weapons" in life? (Sorry if that's too militant sounding).


Yeah, in a situation where I'm emotionally invested and the other person shuts off, I can get pretty panicky. I need to know what the other person is thinking/feeling in order to respond and I need to know where I stand with them. I prefer any response, positive or negative, than no response at all. Maybe it's an insecurity issue.

But people I can't read who I'm NOT in a really close relationship with (ie casual friends, co-workers)? I'm fascinated by them! I can spend forever analyzing what they do and say, trying to figure out what on earth they ARE, where they're coming from. :crazy:


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## j3321 (Nov 19, 2009)

I think that's how I got her attention. I am extremely calm and self absorbed and I think I sorta have this "philosophers countenance" on my face and this INF could not stop looking at me. We started talking yadda yadda she was being kinda immature and I caught her in a lie (I think NF's hate to be seen as dishonest) and just had no desire to have anything to do with her.

So yeah now when I walk by her after having caught her in a lie and pushed her away from me I can see her visibly panic trying to read me and not being able to.


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## snail (Oct 13, 2008)

I'm thinking maybe I'm incompatible with even the nicest T types, at least for relationships, because by their very nature they are incapable of being what I need. As for your specific situation, I'm not an INFJ, but the cold shoulder makes me feel insecure. I need to know I'm liked in order to not be afraid of someone, and if there is no information, I tend to assume the worst.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cookie Monster (Nov 6, 2009)

snail said:


> I'm thinking maybe I'm incompatible with even the nicest T types, at least for relationships, because by their very nature they are incapable of being what I need. As for your specific situation, I'm not an INFJ, but the cold shoulder makes me feel insecure. I need to know I'm liked in order to not be afraid of someone, and if there is no information, I tend to assume the worst.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


A cold shoulder makes me feel insecure too (I am definitely "too nice" for my type). I feel the same way...I have a horrible habit of feeling guilty all the time, so I always wonder what I did wrong. I also feel like people inherently do not like me, so any stranger is a threat to me. 

To the OP - I do hope this INFJ is aware of why you are treating her this way. I don't think it is fair to be blatantly rude to someone and not let them know why.


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## j3321 (Nov 19, 2009)

1) Oh she knows.

2) I didn't even mean to be giving her a cold shoulder per say, I guess as INTJ I just do that naturally and I realized how insecure it made her. I thought it was funny.


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## Minty (Dec 5, 2009)

I can give a good silent treatment. I don't do it for amusement because I just don't receive satisfaction out of tormenting others; I do it because it's a reflection of how I feel. I'm so hurt, I can't talk.

Btw, my older sister is an INFJ and she cries four times a week, even in public. This is normal for her. It's highly uncomfortable, since I'm living with her for the time being. My mom and I can't see her in a lasting relationship because the simplest thing will set her off.

I don't understand INFJs. I feel embarrassed for my sister when she gets like this and I wonder if other INFJs are as extreme as she is.


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## j3321 (Nov 19, 2009)

Haha ah that was a funny post thanks for saying that. Being with two INFJ's has led me to believe they are all incredibly volatile.


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## Minty (Dec 5, 2009)

I would suggest finding someone with a personality type more compatible to yours. For the feelers in your life that you're stuck with, like family members, you could try telling yourself that it is part of their nature and they can't help themselves. They're not doing it on purpose to bother you. That's what helps me at least. ^^


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## voceseta (Nov 15, 2009)

It is obvious that you are angry about this relationship and you are very entitled to feel that way, but your anger is spilling over to an entire type because of your sampling of two members. Do you really think of them as that or are you just venting? I think it's unfortunate to assign a general statement to an entire type like that because if perpetuated we'll have everyone down to titles like "emotionally volatile", "spazzy flake", or "heartless bastard." 

I don't think cold shoulders are difficult to read emotionally because well...it's a cold shoulder. They aren't employed by people who are happy with you so they aren't too confusing. Emotional coldness is still emotional and thus easy to read. I think she may be panicky because although she did something wrong to you she still cares very much about what you think and your coldness is making her regret and feel guilty about the action. 

Of course, being without details and hearing only one vague side of the situation I could be completely wrong. 

As for the NF's weapon of emotional detection, I don't use this as a weapon, but as a way to help other people. Should I ever lose this tool (a better word for it than weapon I think), I'll just have to resort to another one of my sources. We aren't limited to emotions. INTs don't mess up my world. I find that they make it better. =) 


(on an unrelated note, don't spazzy flakes sound like cereal? roud


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## roxtehproxy (Sep 9, 2009)

Alchemical Romance said:


> *Good people to have a debate with, i'm not so sure about relationships though
> *


Claim.

The one INFJ that I know of is far sarcastic, and secondly, too emotional for my likings. However, her questions are a great source for my Ti to gnaw on and it appears that she displays interest in philosophy; but often times not in the mood for it.

INFJs - Reasonable friends


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## songofcalamity (Apr 3, 2009)

j3321 said:


> Now I understand NF's are observant of people and I'm wondering if you can confirm this for me.
> 
> Would you say a personality like an INTJ who can utterly shut off certain realities they are not interested drive you crazy?
> 
> When you lose your ability to read people do you feel like you've totally lost control of the situation?


Answer to 1st qns: Yes
Answer to 2nd qns: Yes

The combination of the INTJ trait of shutting off and me losing my ability to read people creates much internal frustration for me. And with INTJ, when their walls are up they don't say what they mean or they say things in half truths but you are not sure which is the truth and which are the 'I don't care's', which makes everything hard, confusing and frustrating. All these confusion screws up our NF radar and since this is like one of our 'more dominant/used' function (not sure what word to use), we get all panicky as we practically rely on it. And when it fails us, it feels like one of our arm is being cut off. But we get by, cause' when you have one arm chopped off, you just have to use your other arm. 

But meh, I learn to 'disengage' myself from such events, and not analyze everything and just take it as it is. It is much better when I don't analyze everything and just let things happen and then deal with what I have. Over-thinking creates more problem and limitations.


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## Tkae (Oct 15, 2009)

j3321 said:


> I am an INTJ and am in a little bit of a tussle with an INFJ right not now. I am giving her the cold shoulder right now and a cold shoulder frmo an INTJ is really one cold shoulder. I am so indifferent to her existence at this moment I honestly can walk by her like she is invisible. I am utterly apathetic to her "games."
> 
> But one thing I noticed which is funny is I think she can't stand this. She gets really desperate and panicky and I think my emotional wall is throwing her off her game. Now I understand NF's are observant of people and I'm wondering if you can confirm this for me. Would you say a personality like an INTJ who can utterly shut off certain realities they are not interested drive you crazy? When you lose your ability to read people do you feel like you've totally lost control of the situation?
> 
> ...


Not sure if other NFs possess the ability to the degree INFP do, but as an INFP it's impossible for you to ever truly take away my "ability to read people".

But yeah. This wouldn't "mess up" my world. It would just royally piss me off, and get me more and more frustrated at how big of an asshole you were being and how much negative energy you were intentionally throwing my way. You can say all you want that you're acting indifferent, but to totally ignore someone takes a certain amount of energy to maintain. To truly act indifferent, you wouldn't be ignoring them. This is just deliberate insensitivity; you're as indifferent as a leaky microwave spouting off radiation.

And if you keep confronting her with so much negativity everytime you see her, you'll be lucky if she doesn't just up and kick your ass soon.

So yeah. Your "indifference" is in actuality the constant application of pressure on her nerves. If that's how you want to play the game, then fine. But I'll tell you now -- if you ever pulled this shit with me, I'd go so crazy psycho on your ass that you'd be pulling shards of rainbows and hearts out of your ass for weeks.










I get along fine with INTs -- InvisibleJim, Grey, Turran, Kevin, and others. 

They, however, are smart enough to know that it's undiluted stupidity to try and grab the cheese from the mousetrap of karma. They wouldn't pull the stunts you are.


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## decided (May 17, 2009)

My husband is an INTJ. He rocks my world.

He does have an emotional wall, but he loves me, so I am never completely blocked out. I like being the only one who can coax him to open up and share what's really on his mind.

I would get frustrated if he completely shut himself off from me. I would want to talk through whatever is on his mind, and work through the conflict so that we can find understanding again, and move on.

I am not comfortable in confrontations, but I am more than willing to go through conflict to keep healthy and meaningful relationships going. One thing that can make this difficult for me is coldness from the other person.

When working through problems, I want to feel like the other person is in it with me, and keen to get through it with me. I read coldness as emotional distance. It makes me wonder if the person has given up on me / the relationship. If the person refuses to warm up and work through the conflict with me, then I would see it as a sign that the relationship is over.


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## OrangeAppled (Jun 26, 2009)

j3321 said:


> Would you say a personality like an INTJ who can utterly shut off certain realities they are not interested drive you crazy? When you lose your ability to read people do you feel like you've totally lost control of the situation?
> 
> I'm wondering if my coldness is throwing her into a panic becuase now she has nothing to work with, she can't read me. Is that the NF's main "weapons" in life? (Sorry if that's too militant sounding).


I don't feel that "reading" people is even a strength of mine. I can empathize if they TELL me how they feel or express it clearly in some way. If someone stays completely closed off, I will probably just lose interest in them and move on.

I'm not interested in controlling a situation either. That sounds like some sort of J thing, if anything. That's not a NF-specific trait though. NFs are usually not _seeking_ to emotionally manipulate, although some have that power. Generally, NFs are looking to connect genuinely with people, and if we cannot, then the healthy ones of us will simply walk. 

If this girl is playing games to get your attention, then she is probably annoyed that you are ignoring them. What you don't seem to realize is that you ARE reacting to her. A non-reaction would not involve analyzing her behavior and posting it on the internet for feedback. Your indifference sounds completely feigned, because you also want a reaction and seem pleased to be upsetting her. You're both playing immature games, and I think they have nothing to do with type. 


Personally, only one INTP has ever upset me, and that's because we had a relationship and he could get verbally abusive. There was no issue of not being able to read him, it was simply an issue of accepting he's an ass and that I needed to door slam him.

I've also dated several INTJs casually and they were unable to affect me much at all, and I think they found me much more confusing than I found them. I didn't find them puzzling, but then I did not care to understand them. I generally don't find the INTJ personality attractive though, which means I don't make much effort to connect, which means they cannot mess anything up for me. I have to be emotionally invested for someone to hurt or upset me. Not saying I may never be drawn to an INTJ, but it hasn't happened yet.


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## Tkae (Oct 15, 2009)

OrangeAppled said:


> I don't feel that "reading" people is even a strength of mine. I can empathize if they TELL me how they feel or express it clearly in some way. If someone stays completely closed off, I will probably just lose interest in them and move on.
> 
> I'm not interested in controlling a situation either. That sounds like some sort of J thing, if anything. That's not a NF-specific trait though. NFs are usually not _seeking_ to emotionally manipulate, although some have that power. Generally, NFs are looking to connect genuinely with people, and if we cannot, then the healthy ones of us will simply walk.


That was another point I meant to cover.

It's not some weapon we use. It's just how we are. Only to _other_ types is our empathy some kind of psychic power. To us, it's completely natural. I don't use it to rape you emotionally -- my "abilities" are exactly the same as an INTJ's natural attraction to learn and chew apart a subject, or an ISFP's natural urge to create. It just _happens. _I could be horny as hell, someone flirt with me, and I'd smell a mile away that they'd just broken up with their SO and are rebounding and I'd want to sit down and hug them and listen to all of their problems and shit.

I don't "read" people. I _can_ "read" people, but you're implying I do it with some kind of intent to gain information.

"Read"ing people is a very small part of what it is. I _feel_ people. I _know_ people. I _become_ people. It's a connection on a spiritual, emotional, _human_ level. Say all that you want that you can remove that by acting like a jerk, but you can't.

My retreat wouldn't be you winning some kind of war by superior tactics. It would be me becoming so disguisted by the disharmonies and foul odors and malice that your being is made of that I wouldn't want myself to be dirtied by being near you.

You wouldn't be winning a game -- you'd be making yourself too unpalatable for anyone to ever want to be close to.

You need to get some self-awareness on this issue and realize that you won't be deflecting her, you'll be making yourself repulsive :bored:


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