# Abusive parents



## stone100674

NerdyCool4EVAH said:


> Do you know how I could fix my problem though instead of reporting them? I really love my mom.


When I read the above statement I realized that you are codependent, I think you need to seek counseling: Are there any programs in your area that offer help?
You can't fix people, you can only protect yourself. Reporting them and the abuse is the only realistic way that they would get the help they need. However since physical abuse has ceased that ship has sailed. 
Do your parents drink? do drugs?


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## QueenOfCats

stone100674 said:


> When I read the above statement I realized that you are codependent, I think you need to seek counseling: Are there any programs in your area that offer help?
> You can't fix people, you can only protect yourself. Reporting them and the abuse is the only realistic way that they would get the help they need. However since physical abuse has ceased that ship has sailed.
> Do your parents drink? do drugs?


I am though don't worry, at the moment I'm reading a self help book that's focused on how to overcome toxic parents. I don't think so plus wouldn't those places cost money? I'm not allowed to have a job yet nor could I sell items from home (parents won't let me). Nope, they're just really bad at controlling their feelings and acting in a way befitting for an adult.


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## stone100674

NerdyCool4EVAH said:


> I am though don't worry, at the moment I'm reading a self help book that's focused on how to overcome toxic parents.


 Well that is a start, but not all "maladaptive compulsive behavior" is so easy to identify, let alone get rid of. More than that an outside view is always helpful.


> I don't think so plus wouldn't those places cost money? I'm not allowed to have a job yet nor could I sell items from home (parents won't let me).


 Well I think a lot of places have public health departments and they offer counseling for people in your situation. It is also possible that a guidance counselor at your school might have info on this. Where I live it is called the Youth Services Bureau. If you can't find anything like that,(and even if you can), I am always willing to help just shoot me a pm, and if you would rather talk to a female I have a friend onsite who studied psychology as well: I can't speak for her but I suspect she would be willing to do what she can, but I would have to ask her.


> Nope, they're just really bad at controlling their feelings and acting in a way befitting for an adult.


 I sorry to read that, not that substance abuse excuses their behavior, but at least I could understand the emotional place they would be in. Since there is no addiction involved, that leaves abuse in their past, because they had to learn the behavior somewhere.
I am glad that you are aware and seem strong enough to break the chain. My only concern is that it is a hard fight when you stand alone and at times it can feel overwhelming, but it can be done, I am living proof.


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## soya

stone100674 said:


> Well I think a lot of places have public health departments and they offer counseling for people in your situation. It is also possible that a guidance counselor at your school might have info on this. Where I live it is called the Youth Services Bureau.


This is true. You can search online, or ask a school counselor. You wouldn't have to tell the school counselor everything that's been going on with your family, just that you've been under stress and would like to seek counseling to help you with it. I grew up with an alcoholic parent and when I sought counseling as a teen I just told my school counselor I had stress and anxiety and she never pressed me to tell her anything else, and she helped me find a place that offered free counseling. One thing I will say is that counseling might not seem to do a whole lot for you at first, but that doesn't mean it won't be helpful over time. It's always good to have a sounding board, an outside perspective on things. You might want to encourage your sister to visit the counselor as well.


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## CIGgyStar

NerdyCool4EVAH said:


> How old were you? Lol when I was young, I used to throw chairs at my mom when she tried to hit me.


i am 20 now, but that was probably when i was about 14. my parents aren't abusive though, my dad just has a temper. i think that u just need to remind your parents that you are a person too. when they abuse you mentally or other, they are violating your rights as a human being. 
my foster sister came from a similar situation, her parents are fanatic catholics and they would tell her she was satanic, never let her out of the house, her mom would call her fat and ugly and a bitch and just horrible i can't believe anyone would do that to their child. my sister is very quiet, so she never really stuck up for herself she would just get depressed and she used to cut herself. if it were me, there's no way i would let anyone treat me like that. i don't care if they are my parents no one has the right to do that to you. 

if you want to handle the situation on your own, without getting police or cps or counseling, i think you should just be bold and stick up for yourself. but i'm not really qualified to tell you what to do :/


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## Bear987

NerdyCool4EVAH said:


> Do you know how I could fix my problem though instead of reporting them? I really love my mom.





stone100674 said:


> When I read the above statement I realized that you are codependent,


Please, disregard Stone's realization. You are not codependent at 14! Of course you still love your mother, you're a teenager - you still need your parents. Codependency only becomes an issue when you're an adult and not able to think and act independently.

I can totally see why you're reluctant to report your parents. Every child is loyal to its parents until it becomes an adult. Just because your parents are over-the-top mean to you, doesn't mean you want them to be arrested for it; you'll most likely want them to wise up and be nicer parents to you, right?

I don't think your parents behavior can be explained by MBTI personality traits. Any type can be a good parent. Types will just focus on different things, value different things. No type is abusive by default.

Your parents are most likely abusive because they suffered from abuse themselves when they were younger. I bet you've read about that in the self-help books you mentioned.


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## QueenOfCats

stone100674 said:


> Well that is a start, but not all "maladaptive compulsive behavior" is so easy to identify, let alone get rid of. More than that an outside view is always helpful.
> Well I think a lot of places have public health departments and they offer counseling for people in your situation. It is also possible that a guidance counselor at your school might have info on this. Where I live it is called the Youth Services Bureau. If you can't find anything like that,(and even if you can), I am always willing to help just shoot me a pm, and if you would rather talk to a female I have a friend onsite who studied psychology as well: I can't speak for her but I suspect she would be willing to do what she can, but I would have to ask her.
> I sorry to read that, not that substance abuse excuses their behavior, but at least I could understand the emotional place they would be in. Since there is no addiction involved, that leaves abuse in their past, because they had to learn the behavior somewhere.
> I am glad that you are aware and seem strong enough to break the chain. My only concern is that it is a hard fight when you stand alone and at times it can feel overwhelming, but it can be done, I am living proof.


Hmm I see. Oh okay. I'm being homeschooled this year so that's a problem. I'll try to find one though I probably wouldn't be able to go. I don't want to seem like I'm putting your suggestions down but my parents would have to drive me and both of them work plus what do I tell them? "Oh I'm just getting counseling because both of you are abusive." It sucks being car-less... Thank you so much! Well I think there are certain things that my mom tells me that a female would feel less uncomfortable with but really, that's very kind of you. Thank you so much for caring! Ah how'd you overcome your past?


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## QueenOfCats

CIGgyStar said:


> i am 20 now, but that was probably when i was about 14. my parents aren't abusive though, my dad just has a temper. i think that u just need to remind your parents that you are a person too. when they abuse you mentally or other, they are violating your rights as a human being.
> my foster sister came from a similar situation, her parents are fanatic catholics and they would tell her she was satanic, never let her out of the house, her mom would call her fat and ugly and a bitch and just horrible i can't believe anyone would do that to their child. my sister is very quiet, so she never really stuck up for herself she would just get depressed and she used to cut herself. if it were me, there's no way i would let anyone treat me like that. i don't care if they are my parents no one has the right to do that to you.
> 
> if you want to handle the situation on your own, without getting police or cps or counseling, i think you should just be bold and stick up for yourself. but i'm not really qualified to tell you what to do :/


I just ignore them. You know when you always reply with okay to get someone to go away? I do that with both my parents haha. But I used to argue with them all the time. It lead to actual physical abuse plus I realized that I was giving them power, letting them make me angry. Oh how did she get over that? That must have been terrible. Those parents are not truly parents, they are just grown up bullies. Oh that's awful. I agree completely with you. Mhm, I just do what I want (within the limits and standards I have for my self) and I don't let them get in the way because I know that when I hear something, I should consider the reliability of the source and that I also shouldn't look for something that isn't there. Thanks though for giving me advice.


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## QueenOfCats

Bear987 said:


> Please, disregard Stone's realization. You are not codependent at 14! Of course you still love your mother, you're a teenager - you still need your parents. Codependency only becomes an issue when you're an adult and not able to think and act independently.
> 
> I can totally see why you're reluctant to report your parents. Every child is loyal to its parents until it becomes an adult. Just because your parents are over-the-top mean to you, doesn't mean you want them to be arrested for it; you'll most likely want them to wise up and be nicer parents to you, right?
> 
> I don't think your parents behavior can be explained by MBTI personality traits. Any type can be a good parent. Types will just focus on different things, value different things. No type is abusive by default.
> 
> Your parents are most likely abusive because they suffered from abuse themselves when they were younger. I bet you've read about that in the self-help books you mentioned.


Oh I see. Hmm I don't think I trust them though, I just want them to trust me more and stop overreacting emotionally. And have be less judgmental and know-it-all-ish. So I guess. Mhm I agree though I'm not sure, I just revealed that information in case it would help us get along better. Mhm, I have. My dad didn't have the best childhood and spent a lot of his childhood in a not-so-good boarding school while my mom's father died when she was 10 so she had to drop out of school and start going to work to provide for her family. Though she's so much better than you'd think her childhood would suggest. I am proud of her and I actually pity her somewhat.


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## SunFlower27

NerdyCool4EVAH said:


> Okay so I'm a 14 year old ENTJ who's been through depression and has abusive parents (ESFJ mom and ESFP dad). Oh and I have an ISFP sister with learning disabilities who just goes with everything. My mom has beaten me with a belt since I was 4 until I was around 7. She stopped because I was taller than her and I used chairs as my weapons since I disliked it so much. Sometimes I would be a bit bratty(I personified the phrase "my way or the highway") and she wouldn't let me eat food the entire day. She's told me I was possessed by the devil, an idiot child, calls me stupid repeatedly, the reason our family will be living on the streets, and the reason she and my dad will get divorced. She's also called me evil. She says she should beat me more often and that I should be scared of her (she's beaten me with brooms, pans, and spatulas too) . I'm not easily afraid though. Whenever she meets any one of my friends, it's not too soon before she asks them about their home life and compares them to me in front of them, which is really embarrassing. My dad's very irritating. He seriously needs to learn how to control his anger issues. He's told me he wants to beat me up more times than I can count. My sister gets yelled at A LOT less frequently than I do. She only gets yelled at about grades while me, about everything except grades.
> 
> I don't think all ESFJs and ESFPs are like this by the way. I have a good friend who's an ESFP and she's a nice, happy person who likes to brighten other peoples' days while I'm sure an ESFJ who's healthy would be a nice, helpful person.
> 
> So how would I deal with this? Childline's no help at all. I apologize for any grammar and spelling mistakes I've made.


THEY ARE DEAD WRONG ON ALL COUNTS. NEITHER YOU NOR YOUR SISTER DESERVE ANY OF THIS. Calling you evil--a child, and her own child, at that--is incontrovertible proof that _she _is evil. I'm sorry if that upsets you, but the unnaturalness of this hatred is really disgusting. Is she a churchgoer? Is there anyone at the church who might intervene and help? Or would they just agree and make things worse? I've seen both very good and very bad in that population. 

jeffbobs has given you a lot of good advice in this regard. I think you're right in your instinct that you should avoid them as much as possible, and keep your sister away from them as much as it's within your power, too (maybe encourage her to spend time at her friends', join an after-school club, etc). Have you looked into programs that offering mentoring? This could be great for both of you if you could get into it. Or the Boys & Girls Club? There are many in my neighborhood. It's at least a place to go where the adults (that I've seen) tend to be warm and supportive. I'd strongly recommend this. Google it and just call them up and ask about programs, you don't have to tell them about the abuse if you're afraid it would make things worse. Asking about programs for your sister who has a learning disability could be an excuse and a place to start from. If not the Boys & Girls Club, try others like it... Big Brothers & Big Sisters, for one. I didn't know how many programs there were for kids until I looked them up as an adult to _volunteer_... Idiotic, right? They should make themselves better known to the people who need them most--suffering kids trying to make it alone. But in any case, I went to VolunteerMatch - Where Volunteering Begins, and typed in my zip code. You can do the same, then just call the organizations and find out about their programs. Again, you don't have to tell them everything if you think it would make it worse. 

Though reporting it is definitely my first instinct, to be clear. But whatever you do, know that you're not alone, and you don't deserve this. You deserve the love and care all children do, and always did. You can PM me if you want, and please at least try to take care of yourself the best you can. Keep hope and keep heart--this will end.


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## QueenOfCats

SunFlower27 said:


> THEY ARE DEAD WRONG ON ALL COUNTS. NEITHER YOU NOR YOUR SISTER DESERVE ANY OF THIS. Calling you evil--a child, and her own child, at that--is incontrovertible proof that _she _is evil. I'm sorry if that upsets you, but the unnaturalness of this hatred is really disgusting. Is she a churchgoer? Is there anyone at the church who might intervene and help? Or would they just agree and make things worse? I've seen both very good and very bad in that population.
> 
> jeffbobs has given you a lot of good advice in this regard. I think you're right in your instinct that you should avoid them as much as possible, and keep your sister away from them as much as it's within your power, too (maybe encourage her to spend time at her friends', join an after-school club, etc). Have you looked into programs that offering mentoring? This could be great for both of you if you could get into it. Or the Boys & Girls Club? There are many in my neighborhood. It's at least a place to go where the adults (that I've seen) tend to be warm and supportive. I'd strongly recommend this. Google it and just call them up and ask about programs, you don't have to tell them about the abuse if you're afraid it would make things worse. Asking about programs for your sister who has a learning disability could be an excuse and a place to start from. If not the Boys & Girls Club, try others like it... Big Brothers & Big Sisters, for one. I didn't know how many programs there were for kids until I looked them up as an adult to _volunteer_... Idiotic, right? They should make themselves better known to the people who need them most--suffering kids trying to make it alone. But in any case, I went to VolunteerMatch - Where Volunteering Begins, and typed in my zip code. You can do the same, then just call the organizations and find out about their programs. Again, you don't have to tell them everything if you think it would make it worse.
> 
> Though reporting it is definitely my first instinct, to be clear. But whatever you do, know that you're not alone, and you don't deserve this. You deserve the love and care all children do, and always did. You can PM me if you want, and please at least try to take care of yourself the best you can. Keep hope and keep heart--this will end.


Oh it's not as black and white as that though. She's really kind about some things but she has this horrible temper which leads her to say and do bad things. She is but she doesn't go to church regularly because of her job. The church people there are kind of snobby. I don't think they'd be very helpful. He really did, it was quite kind of him. Hmm I think my parents are better at nurturing her than I am. We didn't get along until recently and they're much nicer to her than they are to me, I was quite the bossy child. Hmm I'll try to look into that. Oh no, that's totally understandable. That would be nice of them, yes. Oh okay, I will, thanks. Oh thank you so much! My mom was just going on today about how I don't understand her and wouldn't be able to until I'm an adult. It felt condescending as fuck (pardon my french). Thank you! That's very sweet of you! I really hope so.


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## stone100674

Bear987 said:


> You are not codependent at 14! Of course you still love your mother, you're a teenager - you still need your parents. Codependency only becomes an issue when you're an adult and not able to think and act independently.


I completely disagree. The teenage years are when the behaviors are learned. You don't turn 18 and then boom: age is irrelevant. What is different is how some of the behaviors are expressed. This is a link to a book about teenage codependency. 
Teenage Codependency: A Social Worker's Perspective - Diane Jean Ausilio - Google Books

This is a link to Vanessa Van Petten's web site. She is am accomplished author an lecturer who is quite well respected and qualified to comment on teenage codependency. She did not come from and addictive home and most treatment facilities in the United States that treat teenage codependency (yes here are plenty of them ) focus on codependency as it relates to an addictive home.
Codependency in Young Girls | Radical Parenting

This is a link to health website that I liked because it has a checklist of the four most most common behaviors exhibited by codependent teens. The issue is the sources for the site once again focus on the addiction setting, but as a person who attended treatment facility for codependency that resulted from the addictive setting at the age of 16, I relate to it.
Codependency Checklists for Teenagers | eHow.com


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## stone100674

NerdyCool4EVAH said:


> Ah how'd you overcome your past?


Well first you need to understand the type and nature of the abuse. My mother is codependent and, until she remarried in the early 80's, she went from one toxic relationship to the next. My mother, sister, and I lived with one those boyfriends for two years. It was clear he wanted nothing to do with kids, and there was nothing I could do right. The physical abuse began shortly after we moved in, and started with open hands, but escalated quickly to a large ruler, belts etc. The final straw for me was a razor strop, (a wide piece of leather used for sharpening straight razors), the day after that I went into his room and got one of his many guns and waited for him to come home. My mother came home and I was at the top of the stairs pointing a handgun at her, and long story short I had to tell her what had been happening to me. She looked a my back and called the police, and while he was in custody we packed everything and stayed with my mother's friend.
Back then there was not any help except high cost therapists that my mother couldn't afford, and there was fewer of those. 

We left Alberta and my mother married a "recovering alcoholic" (on again off again drinking)but I was already pretty lost before this. However, my mother was exposed to Al-Anon, which is a 12 step codependency support group for spouses, and she suggested I go to Ala-teen. I met people there that were like minded and wanted to help. I met my best friend at one of those meetings: we have been like brother and sister for almost 22 years now. 

After one of my stepfathers benders, he decided to go treatment, and that center provided codependency treatment for families too. I didn't go to the same one, but I was made aware of the possibility. The next year when I was 16 I sought treatment because my life was out of control. In truth most of my issues did not stem from exposure to the addictive pattern, but they helped me start to deal with the initial trauma. 

It was not a cure: I started the process and then kind of stalled. I did alright until my third year of university when my grandmother died. I went into a year long depression and finally sought counseling. I sifted through my past and the resulting issues with the help of a therapist. I finally truly dealt with the abuse and the reason why I accepted it when it was happening. 
I learned that I was worth loving, and that the abuse wasn't about me: it had nothing to do with my value as a human being.


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## Bear987

@stone100674

I read the following definition on one of the links you enclosed in your post: "Codependency, by definition, is unhealthy love and a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one’s relationships and quality of life."

I now better understand your stand on the issue. I do have to say that I reckon said definition to be way too vague. It encompasses too many things that shouldn't be labeled as codependent. I mean, 'unhealthy love'? That includes so many feelings and behaviors that will turn out to 'be' something other than part of a codependent mindset.

In any case, I still stand by what I said earlier: a fourteen year-old who expresses that she loves her mother, does _not_ express 'unhealthy love' and cannot be said to be codependent on the basis of those words.


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## stone100674

Bear987 said:


> I read the following definition on one of the links you enclosed in your post: "Codependency, by definition, is unhealthy love and a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one’s relationships and quality of life."
> 
> I now better understand your stand on the issue. I do have to say that I reckon said definition to be way too vague.


In truth that is one definition, there are many, and it is vague because the author of it is focused on particular relationships, from a particular point of view. Here is another that is just as vague: "codependency ia a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition." The reason the definitions are vague is because at it heart codependency is a maladaptive compulsive behavior that is developed as a result of extreme stress. There are a lot of things that fall under this umbrella, and some of those things are expressed by teenagers differently. 


> It encompasses too many things that shouldn't be labeled as codependent. I mean, 'unhealthy love'? That includes so many feelings and behaviors that will turn out to 'be' something other than part of a codependent mindset.


 Unhealthy behavior is unhealthy behavior regardless of the label and what it "turns out to be": however since you brought it up does it really matter if early behaviors are labelled codependent and treated as such, and curbs the development of more serious disorder that grows from the trauma? If more abuse victims got help for the unhealthy emotional results of their abuse perhaps we would see less abuse victims developing PTSD, BPD, etc. 




> In any case, I still stand by what I said earlier: a fourteen year-old who expresses that she loves her mother, does _not_ express 'unhealthy love' and cannot be said to be codependent on the basis of those words.


It wasn't only those words:they just drove it home. There have been other phrases she used that should have been better indicators, but it wasn't until I read that post that it really clicked. Moreover, it is not the expression alone, it is the context. It is sacrificing ones own health and well being for a person who is at times incapable of reciprocating that unconditional love. Phrases such as:


NerdyCool4EVAH said:


> She's told me I was possessed by the devil, an idiot child, calls me stupid repeatedly, the reason our family will be living on the streets, and the reason she and my dad will get divorced. She's also called me evil. She says she should beat me more often and that I should be scared of her


 do not come from a healthy person and are not part of a healthy relationship: the relationship to the abuser is irrelevant. Using the family relationship to explain an unhealthy devotion to an abuser is akin to this myth about codependency: " All teenagers are codependent to some degree. They will outgrow it eventually." They will not outgrow it: they will in fact grow into it as emotional growth can be stunted by abuse and healthy behaviors are not learned. Recognizing the unhealthy behaviors (such as this young ladies low self esteem) early can lead to increased self awareness and personal growth regardless of what label you choose to assign to the cause.

I also noticed that @_NerdyCool4EVAH_ shows a great amount concern for her sisters well being while noting that her sister is not the main target of the abuse. She seems to feel that her sister's learning disability will be a disability in moving forward and will become a target for abuse because she learned that you beat those you love and is also a bit of "pushover". I also noted that she said "I'm not easily afraid though"; this indicates to me that she regards herself as stronger and able to withstand and persevere, which I strongly identify with. I felt I was stronger than my sister and that she would not have been able to cope with what I could, this led to me making sure that attention was focused toward me. At the time I did not recognize my behavior to be what it actually was and felt that I was just living within the standards that I set for myself, what my abuser said was inconsequential. The OP said:


NerdyCool4EVAH said:


> Mhm, I just do what I want (within the limits and standards I have for my self) and I don't let them get in the way


 which rings eerily true to my behavior and opinion of it while in the abusive situation.There are a lot of things in the OP's posts which I (and countless other victims of abuse) recognized as the root of later issues: if the pattern is similar to a known pattern experienced by other victims of abuse then, to me, that is correlation.


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## Bear987

stone100674 said:


> In truth that is ....... me, that is correlation.


I see. I can't argue with that; and so I won't. Still, I don't like it when people who suffer abuse are pointed at; blamed for being codependent. They are just trying to survive. How come so little is done to the parents who are the actual problem? If we know so much about what becomes of children who are abused, why don't we intervene more and 'fire' parents who cannot care for their kids properly?


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## stone100674

Bear987 said:


> I see. I can't argue with that; and so I won't. Still, I don't like it when people who suffer abuse are pointed at; blamed for being codependent. They are just trying to survive.


 It is not about blame: it is about recognizing a pattern, understanding and moving forward. It is about learning to have healthy mutual beneficial relationships in the future. The behaviors are a response, a coping mechanism that is developed in response to the abuse, a survival instinct of sorts; so yes I fully agree, they are just trying to survive. 


> How come so little is done to the parents who are the actual problem?


 because many cases go unreported, as is the case here


> If we know so much about what becomes of children who are abused, why don't we intervene more and 'fire' parents who cannot care for their kids properly?


I wish I could give a broad all encompassing answer for this, but there isn't one. In Canada where I live there is The Children's Aid society: there are few workers and the cases that warrant investigation are many. Then there is abuse of the system that overloads it (meaning a feud between neighbors or other false reporters), which results in two years of home visits etc without no real cause, but they have to show due diligence. Then you could consider that overloaded bureaucracy would have a system to rate particular levels of concern: there is only so many resources so they can't fix everything all at once. I think there could be many other factors and different places would have different problems systematically: so realistically I don't really know, I cat only postulate about that.


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## Bear987

stone100674 said:


> In Canada where I live there is The Children's Aid society: there are few workers and the cases that warrant investigation are many. Then there is abuse of the system that overloads it (meaning a feud between neighbors or other false reporters), which results in two years of home visits etc without no real cause, but they have to show due diligence. Then you could consider that overloaded bureaucracy would have a system to rate particular levels of concern: there is only so many resources so they can't fix everything all at once. I think there could be many other factors and different places would have different problems systematically: so realistically I don't really know, I cat only postulate about that.


In the country I live in, the situation is similar. Too much abuse goes on undetected though. I just can't wrap my brain around that.


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## QueenOfCats

stone100674 said:


> Well first you need to understand the type and nature of the abuse. My mother is codependent and, until she remarried in the early 80's, she went from one toxic relationship to the next. My mother, sister, and I lived with one those boyfriends for two years. It was clear he wanted nothing to do with kids, and there was nothing I could do right. The physical abuse began shortly after we moved in, and started with open hands, but escalated quickly to a large ruler, belts etc. The final straw for me was a razor strop, (a wide piece of leather used for sharpening straight razors), the day after that I went into his room and got one of his many guns and waited for him to come home. My mother came home and I was at the top of the stairs pointing a handgun at her, and long story short I had to tell her what had been happening to me. She looked a my back and called the police, and while he was in custody we packed everything and stayed with my mother's friend.
> Back then there was not any help except high cost therapists that my mother couldn't afford, and there was fewer of those.
> 
> We left Alberta and my mother married a "recovering alcoholic" (on again off again drinking)but I was already pretty lost before this. However, my mother was exposed to Al-Anon, which is a 12 step codependency support group for spouses, and she suggested I go to Ala-teen. I met people there that were like minded and wanted to help. I met my best friend at one of those meetings: we have been like brother and sister for almost 22 years now.
> 
> After one of my stepfathers benders, he decided to go treatment, and that center provided codependency treatment for families too. I didn't go to the same one, but I was made aware of the possibility. The next year when I was 16 I sought treatment because my life was out of control. In truth most of my issues did not stem from exposure to the addictive pattern, but they helped me start to deal with the initial trauma.
> 
> It was not a cure: I started the process and then kind of stalled. I did alright until my third year of university when my grandmother died. I went into a year long depression and finally sought counseling. I sifted through my past and the resulting issues with the help of a therapist. I finally truly dealt with the abuse and the reason why I accepted it when it was happening.
> I learned that I was worth loving, and that the abuse wasn't about me: it had nothing to do with my value as a human being.


Oh that sounds terrible. I'm glad you're alright now!


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## QueenOfCats

stone100674 said:


> In truth that is one definition, there are many, and it is vague because the author of it is focused on particular relationships, from a particular point of view. Here is another that is just as vague: "codependency ia a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition." The reason the definitions are vague is because at it heart codependency is a maladaptive compulsive behavior that is developed as a result of extreme stress. There are a lot of things that fall under this umbrella, and some of those things are expressed by teenagers differently.
> Unhealthy behavior is unhealthy behavior regardless of the label and what it "turns out to be": however since you brought it up does it really matter if early behaviors are labelled codependent and treated as such, and curbs the development of more serious disorder that grows from the trauma? If more abuse victims got help for the unhealthy emotional results of their abuse perhaps we would see less abuse victims developing PTSD, BPD, etc.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> It wasn't only those words:they just drove it home. There have been other phrases she used that should have been better indicators, but it wasn't until I read that post that it really clicked. Moreover, it is not the expression alone, it is the context. It is sacrificing ones own health and well being for a person who is at times incapable of reciprocating that unconditional love. Phrases such as:
> do not come from a healthy person and are not part of a healthy relationship: the relationship to the abuser is irrelevant. Using the family relationship to explain an unhealthy devotion to an abuser is akin to this myth about codependency: " All teenagers are codependent to some degree. They will outgrow it eventually." They will not outgrow it: they will in fact grow into it as emotional growth can be stunted by abuse and healthy behaviors are not learned. Recognizing the unhealthy behaviors (such as this young ladies low self esteem) early can lead to increased self awareness and personal growth regardless of what label you choose to assign to the cause.
> 
> I also noticed that @_NerdyCool4EVAH_ shows a great amount concern for her sisters well being while noting that her sister is not the main target of the abuse. She seems to feel that her sister's learning disability will be a disability in moving forward and will become a target for abuse because she learned that you beat those you love and is also a bit of "pushover". I also noted that she said "I'm not easily afraid though"; this indicates to me that she regards herself as stronger and able to withstand and persevere, which I strongly identify with. I felt I was stronger than my sister and that she would not have been able to cope with what I could, this led to me making sure that attention was focused toward me. At the time I did not recognize my behavior to be what it actually was and felt that I was just living within the standards that I set for myself, what my abuser said was inconsequential. The OP said:
> which rings eerily true to my behavior and opinion of it while in the abusive situation.There are a lot of things in the OP's posts which I (and countless other victims of abuse) recognized as the root of later issues: if the pattern is similar to a known pattern experienced by other victims of abuse then, to me, that is correlation.


Am I codependent? How do I fix this? I'm not sure if this would help or not but I think I had BPD for a part of my life. I was really unhealthy and suicidal back then. Which was actually around 6-7 months ago.


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## QueenOfCats

So I've been offered the chance to skip a grade but I'm not sure whether I should act on it? Because I would be 17 by the end of senior year, a lot of options wouldn't be available to me as I wouldn't be the adult age. That also means less time with my peers so I might not be prepared socially and I also might end up seriously damaged by spending too much time with my parents. Plus the more time spent in high school, the more time I would have to prepare for life as an adult. I don't want to, but my mom keeps saying I'm a loser who doesn't want to go up and says I should enjoy doing homework. I feel like it'd be bad for my development though.


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## stone100674

NerdyCool4EVAH said:


> So I've been offered the chance to skip a grade but I'm not sure whether I should act on it? Because I would be 17 by the end of senior year, a lot of options wouldn't be available to me as I wouldn't be the adult age. That also means less time with my peers so I might not be prepared socially and I also might end up seriously damaged by spending too much time with my parents. Plus the more time spent in high school, the more time I would have to prepare for life as an adult. I don't want to, but my mom keeps saying I'm a loser who doesn't want to go up and says I should enjoy doing homework. I feel like it'd be bad for my development though.


The human brain isn't fully matured until after a major brain remapping that occurs between the age of 18 and 25. You won't truly begin to learn adult coping skills until after that. The skills you learn now are just a foundation and even if you skip a grade you will have plenty of time to learn. Your development wouldn't be stunted by skipping a grade.
I would view skipping a grade as 1 less year under their thumbs, and pick a college that is just far enough away that driving to classes would be impossible.


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## QueenOfCats

stone100674 said:


> The human brain isn't fully matured until after a major brain remapping that occurs between the age of 18 and 25. You won't truly begin to learn adult coping skills until after that. The skills you learn now are just a foundation and even if you skip a grade you will have plenty of time to learn. Your development wouldn't be stunted by skipping a grade.
> I would view skipping a grade as 1 less year under their thumbs, and pick a college that is just far enough away that driving to classes would be impossible.


Oh okay, thanks, I didn't know that. That's very reasonable, I think I'll do that though the thing is, I want to go to a good college and in my town, you won't be able to work until you're 16 so that would leave only a year and a half for working at a job to earn money. I really don't want my parents paying for my college, I would feel indebted to them. What do you think?


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## stone100674

NerdyCool4EVAH said:


> Oh okay, thanks, I didn't know that. That's very reasonable, I think I'll do that though the thing is, I want to go to a good college and in my town, you won't be able to work until you're 16 so that would leave only a year and a half for working at a job to earn money. I really don't want my parents paying for my college, I would feel indebted to them. What do you think?


 If you were to not skip a grade that would give you two and a half years to save, but that would still not pay tuition at a good school for a 4 year program: let alone books, rent, and food. As far as your parents paying for college, if I were you I would figure they owe me at least a college degree in lieu of proper parenting. However I get the feeling that your parents would use your tuition as leverage against you. Perhaps financial aid is a better alternative.


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## QueenOfCats

stone100674 said:


> If you were to not skip a grade that would give you two and a half years to save, but that would still not pay tuition at a good school for a 4 year program: let alone books, rent, and food. As far as your parents paying for college, if I were you I would figure they owe me at least a college degree in lieu of proper parenting. However I get the feeling that your parents would use your tuition as leverage against you. Perhaps financial aid is a better alternative.


Which is why I'm aiming to become a national merit scholar. Hmm I see. I actually want to pay them back regarding my childhood as I don't want any connection with them. Yes, they would call me ungrateful all the time. Okay, thanks.


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## QueenOfCats

Am I really abused or am I just a really bad kid? Don't worry, I won't blow up if you tell me the objective truth.


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## stone100674

NerdyCool4EVAH said:


> Am I really abused or am I just a really bad kid? Don't worry, I won't blow up if you tell me the objective truth.


There is no such thing as a bad kid. What brought this question on? PM's are working.


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## soya

If you really think you're a bad kid then you have definitely been mentally abused. You seem like an intelligent, good natured person to me.


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## QueenOfCats

My mom said I was heartless yet again today and said it was my fault for hurting her feelings and that I was unappreciative. I began thinking, what if it were true? What if I shouldn't expect complete emotional control because we're all people and we make mistakes? What if I'm kind of an asshole when things don't hold up to my expectations? Idk but I can't PM for some reason. Thank you soya.


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## stone100674

pm is tricky but it's working. listen, I can't deny that your reactions to your parents may inflame the situation. This is kind of what I was talking about when we talked about forcing morality and values on others. It does not make you bad, it makes you normal. Do you have the right to expect complete control? No, because the only thing you can control is yourself and your reactions. As far as expectations go, we have discussed that as well. These are things to work on over time. As far as your mother goes, for a feeler she seems very heartless.


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## QueenOfCats

I feel like I do as I have control over which emotions I choose to express and she as an adult should learn how to express her feelings and thoughts in a reasonable and mature way. She can be sweet and helpful at times but when she's angry, she's definitely not the nicest.


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## stone100674

NerdyCool4EVAH said:


> I feel like I do as I have control over which emotions I choose to express and she as an adult should learn how to express her feelings and thoughts in a reasonable and mature way. She can be sweet and helpful at times but when she's angry, she's definitely not the nicest.


 Were you talking about about emotional control of yourself? That's alright as long you communicate them effectively. Yes your mother should be able to express her feelings outside of her anger and frustration: she's supposed to be an adult. What is required is effective communication, and that is what you should strive for to make your life easier.


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## soya

NerdyCool4EVAH said:


> My mom said I was heartless yet again today and said it was my fault for hurting her feelings and that I was unappreciative. I began thinking, what if it were true? What if I shouldn't expect complete emotional control because we're all people and we make mistakes? What if I'm kind of an asshole when things don't hold up to my expectations? Idk but I can't PM for some reason. Thank you soya.


 I'm having a lot of glitchy issues with this site lately - can't always get PMs to work, can't view profiles, can't see thanks/quotes... Sorry about that. I saw a thread in the Support forum, apparently a lot of users are experiencing this. .. I understand where you're coming from. Of course blame isn't always (and isn't usually) just one person's, and in most conflict situations most everyone will say or do something regrettable. You are human, and any mistakes you make will teach you about how to handle any future situations. You're right, you have control over yourself and your own expression, and you are able to learn from these conflicts and come out with something useful, even if you are unable to control the way your family members behave. If your mom is acting unreasonable and upsets you, remember that you have been provoked (it's not the same as you lashing out for no reason). Try not to feel like you have to be under perfect control all the time. While it is good to know when to hold your tongue, it is also good to treat yourself with understanding and forgiveness, just the way you'd want somebody else to treat you.


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## QueenOfCats

stone100674 said:


> Were you talking about about emotional control of yourself? That's alright as long you communicate them effectively. Yes your mother should be able to express her feelings outside of her anger and frustration: she's supposed to be an adult. What is required is effective communication, and that is what you should strive for to make your life easier.


Yes. I don't feel comfortable sharing my emotions with people I don't trust such as my family members but I'm alright with everyone else. I've learned to suck up my pride and show affection to convince her to do certain things and to get along better.


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## QueenOfCats

soya said:


> I'm having a lot of glitchy issues with this site lately - can't always get PMs to work, can't view profiles, can't see thanks/quotes... Sorry about that. I saw a thread in the Support forum, apparently a lot of users are experiencing this. .. I understand where you're coming from. Of course blame isn't always (and isn't usually) just one person's, and in most conflict situations most everyone will say or do something regrettable. You are human, and any mistakes you make will teach you about how to handle any future situations. You're right, you have control over yourself and your own expression, and you are able to learn from these conflicts and come out with something useful, even if you are unable to control the way your family members behave. If your mom is acting unreasonable and upsets you, remember that you have been provoked (it's not the same as you lashing out for no reason). Try not to feel like you have to be under perfect control all the time. While it is good to know when to hold your tongue, it is also good to treat yourself with understanding and forgiveness, just the way you'd want somebody else to treat you.


Same here. Thank you for the sympathy. I don't want to be a hypocrite. I'll try that.


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## soya

@ NerdyCool4EVAH I think the people who are hardest on themselves tend to be the less hypocritical types! Sorry if my post comes off a bit preachy - I can relate to your situation and I've felt the way you do, so at least it's not all written hypothetically


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## QueenOfCats

soya said:


> @ NerdyCool4EVAH I think the people who are hardest on themselves tend to be the less hypocritical types! Sorry if my post comes off a bit preachy - I can relate to your situation and I've felt the way you do, so at least it's not all written hypothetically


So that's good then, right? Oh it didn't, no need to apologize. Oh I see.


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## QueenOfCats

stone100674 said:


> If you were to not skip a grade that would give you two and a half years to save, but that would still not pay tuition at a good school for a 4 year program: let alone books, rent, and food. As far as your parents paying for college, if I were you I would figure they owe me at least a college degree in lieu of proper parenting. However I get the feeling that your parents would use your tuition as leverage against you. Perhaps financial aid is a better alternative.


Actually my parents aren't paying for my college at all. I'm supposed to get a full ride to college based on scholarships. I just had a conversation with my mom. But that isn't likely is it?


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## stone100674

NerdyCool4EVAH said:


> Actually my parents aren't paying for my college at all. I'm supposed to get a full ride to college based on scholarships. I just had a conversation with my mom. But that isn't likely is it?


It's is only unlikely if you believe it to be. If you put in the work, I don't see why it isn't possible: now you need to see it that way.


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## QueenOfCats

stone100674 said:


> It's is only unlikely if you believe it to be. If you put in the work, I don't see why it isn't possible: now you need to see it that way.


Hmm alright, then.


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