# Is my father a bully?



## Children Of The Bad Revolution (Oct 8, 2013)

Since I could remember, my dad would make me cry by saying things to me to get a reaction out of me. He sometimes has anger outbursts and has a worse relationship with my brother, almost to points of physical aggression. For example, at one point, he was so angry he picked up my mother's late father's walking cane which was sentimental to her and snapped it in half.

Am I right in thinking my father is a bully for teasing me and admitting he tries to annoy me and upset me by coming out with racist, sexist and xenophobic remarks? I could list the nasty things he's said to me but I don't really care to. (Called me a nasty piece of work before and accused me of being jealous of my sister's relationship with her boyfriend). It's upsetting to see others with caring fathers..

If he's upset or stressed, he tends to take it out on me or my brother and whenever he sees my younger sister, who lives away from home, or other brother who also lives away, it's like he snaps into some over friendly helpful doting father who lives everything and everyone. It's incredibly fake and makes me feel nauseous. It makes me feel I have done something wrong to be treated differently like that. It's unsettling to see a Jekyll and Hyde before your eyes like that..

Anyone had any experiences with parents like that and how did/do you handle it? Also with blatant favouritism or treating siblings obviously differently, giving more respect to others. How do you handle that?
:crying:


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## StElmosDream (May 26, 2012)

Remember this is his issue not yours, knowing relatives that favoured other cousins... in reality the other cousins were no better and no more successful, still blundering through life in their own way as we all do but more idealised as 'out of sight, obviously doing well for themselves' when in reality some will never be prodigal anything unless they 'are similar yet better' or epitomise something the idoliser feels is lacking within themselves while not being 'a threat to their ego.'


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## Aquamarine (Jul 24, 2011)

Yes, and he also has some serious anger issues.

My parents aren't like that, but I have come across other types of bullies as well, and the best thing to do is to avoid them as much as possible. If you're still living with him I'd advice you to move out as quickly as you can. You needn't tolerate him just because he's your father.


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## Sinfalcon (Jan 11, 2014)

That's called emotional abuse, and you shouldn't take that from anyone.


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## donkeybals (Jan 13, 2011)

It's hard to do, but you can't really change people. The best way to get around it, is don't be around for it. I cut ties with my parents, and it was really the best decision I made in my life. The abuse was incredibly bad and don't miss them in the slightest. It sounds cold, but I'm a really caring person, and many people in my life I don't talk to anymore I miss.... the thing is they never cared. So yes, it is possible to have bad parents best way is to surround yourself with good people who do, and forget about them. I've heard a few times "but they are your parents" I always assume people with really good parents say this.


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## TheOffspring (Jan 3, 2014)

isingthebodyelectric said:


> never he sees my younger sister, who lives away from home, or other brother who also lives away, it's like he snaps into some over friendly helpful doting father who lives everything and everyone. It's incredibly fake and makes me feel nauseous. It makes me feel I have done something wrong to be treated differently like that.


These kind of people make me sick. I would say he's dealing with an incredible amount of repressed shame, because the only way humans are able to avoid their chronic shame is through anger. He probably sees his *own* shortcomings and failures in you, as you are, for a part, a reflection of him. You have to know that this is *NOT your fault*, he probably has never overcome his own issues and now you are paying the price for it. 

My own father use to be this angry piece of shit, always yelling and irrational, criticizing everyone, and then when some neighbors or other visitors came over he was suddenly Mr. perfect family man, best father of the year. Fortunately though, i resisted him fiercely like 5 years ago and he has backed off since, he's now on anti-depressant and he tries to make it up to me and my sister. And now, he acts like this little kid who wants my approval, like I'm HIS father lol. It's pathetic. 

Like the others said, if you have the option.. move out. Perhaps there's a family member you can live with? It sounds unhealthy where you live right now.


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## yet another intj (Feb 10, 2013)

isingthebodyelectric said:


> Anyone had any experiences with parents like that and how did/do you handle it?


Sounds like an ISTP to me and I'm quite experienced with one. Unfortunately, my advices are virtually useless with your situation. Because you are a feeler, even worse an INFJ. You can't act like a pseudo-sociopath on purpose with peace of mind. I shouldn't encourage you to terrorize the person who are already terrorizing you. Not because it's ethically wrong, but because it's against your nature.



isingthebodyelectric said:


> Also with blatant favouritism or treating siblings obviously differently, giving more respect to others. How do you handle that?


I never "handle" it... Roles are everything and "handling" is a tricky one. Sometimes the solution is simply another problem. A problem that you will create and control. By the way, I'm sorry for your experience. Maybe the best approach would be starting your own life and gradually moving on. Both mentally and physically. Learning how to be fair yet cruel to others is easier with strangers. Then, you can properly practice that skill with your abusive loved ones. Don't idealize your loved one with expectations, especially if you didn't choose them. Some people grow up only when they are literally old and vulnerable beyond their denials.


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## Alumina (Jan 22, 2013)

Yes


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## Lemxn (Aug 17, 2013)

Yes, and there's nothing you could do, because you actually live with him and you don't have any to do with their issues. He has some deep shit problems who need to resolve by himself (If you don't mind, I don't think he would resolve a shit). 
I lived 10 years with a father who was abusive with my mom and all the ways you can imaging, it's not the same, but I always knew that the only way to stop that was leaving that house, and that's what I did with my mom.
You will grow up and move on and have a "new life", your life, you can make your own decission. You don't have to deal with someone like that, because like I said, he has deep problems with himself, you're just someone in front of him who uses to get angry about or the things that are wrong with him, he may be don't realized that the person in front of him, is his own doughter.


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## needle (Jan 26, 2014)

yet another intj said:


> Sounds like an ISTP to me


Are ISTPs more prone to act emotionally abusive than others, or..?


OP - others have already said it, but it's not much _you_ can do with the situation, unfortunately  the problem is within himself, and nothing you're to blame for or can make different.
Just try to remember that there's no gain in listening to bullshit, and him trying to put you down certainly is. You are worth of being treated with respect, I wish you good luck and hope you'll be able to get out of there as soon as possible and get the peace you deserve to heal.


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## yet another intj (Feb 10, 2013)

needle said:


> Are ISTPs more prone to act emotionally abusive than others, or..?


Every single personality type can act emotionally abusive. In my honest opinion, what she described was probably an ISTP one. Which is nothing but a guess and based on my identical personal experience.


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## needle (Jan 26, 2014)

yet another intj said:


> Every single personality type can act emotionally abusive. In my honest opinion, what she described was probably an ISTP one. Which is nothing but a guess and based on my identical personal experience.


Ah, I get you.

caught my attention since I've had similar experiences with an ISTP parent as well.


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## ElectricHead (Jun 3, 2011)

isingthebodyelectric said:


> Since I could remember, my dad would make me cry by saying things to me to get a reaction out of me. He sometimes has anger outbursts and has a worse relationship with my brother, almost to points of physical aggression. For example, at one point, he was so angry he picked up my mother's late father's walking cane which was sentimental to her and snapped it in half.
> 
> Am I right in thinking my father is a bully for teasing me and admitting he tries to annoy me and upset me by coming out with racist, sexist and xenophobic remarks? I could list the nasty things he's said to me but I don't really care to. (Called me a nasty piece of work before and accused me of being jealous of my sister's relationship with her boyfriend). It's upsetting to see others with caring fathers..
> 
> ...


That sums up the actions of a bully very nicely. It's very immature. I can't tell you to "just leave" because I don't know your situation, but honestly, it could work. Now, I can give you my experience as to why I think "just leaving" could really be a good idea, if it is feasible for you. 
It worked for me. My dad wasn't really a bully, but he did have, let's say, many frustrations... and he just didn't really acknowledge them, or know how to deal with them properly. He was depressed, and many men won't admit to depression because it has a social stigma of weakness (which is why more women are diagnosed, not because more women actually are depressed than men, but I digress). So the problem isn't directly confronted and such things as escapism and deflection occur. Most often for men, anger becomes an easy emotion, which can change a person into a monster. Maybe your dad is depressed about something. Or he's just an ass, but there has to be something that triggers change in him or else it will always be the same. 
I was tired of living in dread. Tired of predicting the next shitty thing he would say. Tired of having to avoid his moods. Tired of being treated like a burden to him instead of a loving member of his family. So I left. That, among other things such as my mom finally being upfront with him about his attitude, seemed to change him. He admitted that he issues and went on depression pills, quit smoking, made positive changes all around and now I see him totally different. It took time, but in not living there and seeing him in small doses, I could almost chart out his level of change for the better. Like someone who lost 15 lbs since the last time you've seen them, although to them, it's been gradual and not as noticeable because they look at themselves every day. Now, many years later, we can talk about some of the ways he acted openly, and he seems genuinely regretful. Surprisingly, he remembers things he has said or done that I hardly remember, and is relieved when I tell him not to worry about it anymore, that I still do remember the good in our lives as well. We get along splendidly.


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## Children Of The Bad Revolution (Oct 8, 2013)

yet another intj said:


> Every single personality type can act emotionally abusive. In my honest opinion, what she described was probably an ISTP one. Which is nothing but a guess and based on my identical personal experience.


I thought he was intp but certainly possible or even probable he's istp. My mother is harder to figure out but she just lets him be like this because I guess she's too tired to try and change anything.


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## 626Stitch (Oct 22, 2010)

Its possible he may have narcissistic personality disorder.


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## Parrot (Feb 22, 2015)

626Stitch said:


> Its possible he may have narcissistic personality disorder.


I was going to say the same, and thankfully yours is right about mine. You describe him as charming to people outside the family, self-assured, and self-serving. If he is completely oblivious to the pain he causes, he is a narcissist. If he's well aware of it, he is a sociopath. Either way, it sounds cluster B. 

I'm a bit of a light socio, myself. I love messing with others psyche and generally don't feel guilt. But I don't do it often, because I understand the concept that other people have emotions. I don't care much for it, but I can live with it. If he is a narcissist, go to counselling because he's probably wrecked your psyche at some point. My socio traits developed because of my narcissist father. In the meantime, the best/worst advice I can give is suck and try not to love your father. It'd be a waste of emotion.


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## CosmicYeti (Dec 15, 2014)

Shhh... calm child. I'm your father now. I'm no.1 dad. For real. That's me. I'll adopt you.
Was that creepy?


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## QuiteCharmed (Oct 10, 2014)

Children Of The Bad Revolution said:


> Since I could remember, my dad would make me cry by saying things to me to get a reaction out of me. He sometimes has anger outbursts and has a worse relationship with my brother, almost to points of physical aggression. For example, at one point, he was so angry he picked up my mother's late father's walking cane which was sentimental to her and snapped it in half.
> 
> Am I right in thinking my father is a bully for teasing me and admitting he tries to annoy me and upset me by coming out with racist, sexist and xenophobic remarks? I could list the nasty things he's said to me but I don't really care to. (Called me a nasty piece of work before and accused me of being jealous of my sister's relationship with her boyfriend). It's upsetting to see others with caring fathers..
> 
> ...


I definitely can relate to your problem! My dad grew up in kind of a misogynistic household so he was always more hard on me than my younger brother. He likes to exert power over my mom and I in a number of ways and he used to have angry outbursts for no logical reason. He usually gets annoyed with me more than my brother and most of the time I think he prefers to spend time with my brother. I know that it's hard and it's so easy to fight back but at the end of the day you have to understand that it's not your fault. You should still be the person YOU want to be whether your father likes it or not. I once found myself wanting to change so that my father would be more accepting of me but in reality, it wasn't what I wanted for myself. I've known other people whose dad's act similarly and it's definitely a tough situation, but I've always been able to find support in my close friends. If you ever want to talk about your situation or if you want to vent, feel free to message me! I understand what you're going through and I want you to know that there's many people out there who are dealing with similar problems! *sending hugs your way*


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## TripleN (Mar 5, 2015)

Dear, you don't have to hold yourself accountable for how 'fair' you are to him in whether you view should view him as a bully or not, although it speaks volumes of how caring you are that you even consider that you might be wrong. However, you really don't have to. What he does to you is wrong and what you feel is all right and legitimate and he has no right to do anything that makes you feel like that. Everyone deserves love and care, and that definitely includes you.

I've been in that situation myself, and I'm afraid that I really can't say much on how to 'deal with this' or 'solve it' given how complex these things are. However, I can say that given how honest you are about this and to yourself regarding what you feel, I do know that you're strong enough to get through this, and that every day you live to this is one day closer to getting out of this situation, or at least, it becoming easier on you. Until then, I'm sure there'll always be people to listen to you, if only on this forum.

Gosh, I wish I could give you a hug. You're definitely worth it. ♥


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