# INTJ female and INFJ male couple



## Dorkus (Jun 18, 2015)

I am currently in a relationship with a very strongly INFJ male, he's a year older. I think I'm probably significantly developed in my Fi...although it could just be very strong Ni that helps me out in relating to people. It probably helps that my mother is an INFJ (maybe I'll write a blog on needy mother, distant child challenges).

I understand that all couples are different and MBTI does not have full bearing on how relationships play out, but our rapport, interaction style and general conversation (ranging from the extremely deep and philosophical to ridiculously childish/silly/hilarious...sometimes non-Oxford-dictionary-verbal) have me intrigued as to whether similarities have been experienced out there. 

I have scoured the inter-Googles but it seems there is no information on this match. Either we're too rare, or too introverted, or too busy reading/listening to music/star-gazing/living out our future in our minds or all of the above to be internetting about ourselves.

Any similar couples out there who would like to share their experience?

Also happy to answer any questions.


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## Chris Merola (Jul 11, 2014)

@Dorkus

I'm an INFJ male, I haven't had a full INTJ female relationship experience but I can speak for the pairing. I was rather close with an INTJ female for some months of this year, she was relationship avoidant and ran off when things felt too intense within her, so we currently aren't friends. This stings quite a bit, but I'd like to just objectively discuss how nice this pairing is.

The F/T contrast isn't as stark if one factors in the INFJ male, whose Fe may have played into social norms from a young age, leading to developed Ti and an ability to be balanced and unbiased, as well as have more of an interest in intellectual or theoretical pursuits as compared to the many INFJ females I know who tend to pursue acting, theater, and speech. The INTJ female may feel spurred ot explore her Fi more, but its certainly not as likely as the INFJ male embracing their intellect.

On the personal side of things, I felt like I dealt with the INTJ need for space fairly well. As long as what contact I did have with her was genuine and spirited, I was happy. I could go some days without communicating, and we didn't talk much in school. She had much anxiety and had a bit of a persona she played at school, believe it or not, so I spurred a clashing of her two worlds when I was around and so not much of the physical hanging out occurred unless we were outside of school and alone.

So, most of our time was spent in discussion. I found her to be incredibly versatile at conversation; she could discuss trivia, ask about my life philosophies or how my day went, what is on my mind, we could exchange witty banter, debate things, share experiences, discuss theories, sext or be flirty, she was even able to be fairly complimentary and supportive at times. She was sensitive to her lack of relationship experience and emotional perceptiveness, I understood this after cracking a few jokes that were taken seriously.

Major issues between us consisted of anxiety on her part associated with closeness; she would write off potential for fear of failure, and ignore the emotional side of things past the point of regular INTJness. We had an issue where we were physical together and she saw it as more of an enjoyable activity with someone she trusted whereas I saw it as an expression of affection and closeness. This led to scenarios where I felt my sexuality was being used rather than treated gently or loved or respected or whatever descriptor would be more appropriate. She was sensitive to this and pulled away, but I felt like it was the only time I received affection from her so I continued it anyway, which was a passive and immature move on my part.

I am not sure which factors of her had to do with her personal health and which were INTJ tendencies; the line between the two may blur at times. I care for the girl deeply and I think the pairing is wonderful if both sides respect differences and can have a perseverance towards communication. Having Ni in common leads to many beautiful moments of relating when one side expresses a deeply held personal experience that the other has been living for years as well. This is a very complementary pair, and it works if both parties are either willing to accept contrasting characteristics or grow into their blind spots more. Thanks for starting the thread, feels good to get that off of my chest, lol.


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## Dorkus (Jun 18, 2015)

Wow, thanks for sharing Chris. Considering it's only June and you said this experience was for a few months of this year, the stinging must still be very present. 

I note that I'm a fair bit older than you so if it's any consolation, I really don't think it was anything you did. I have been through 6 relationships in my 26 years. The number also depends on how you define romantic relationship I suppose. I broke up with all of them. A brief run-down: I started dating at 15, realised I wasn't ready and vowed I would not get into a relationship until I was 18 ...swore off of men but somehow ended up in a strange love triangle at 20 for a year where I was not with either of them but thought I might have feelings for both and in the end decided neither should be an option then had a very brief fling with a band guy (completely not my style, but I've realised I'm very much intrigued by what I don't know), then a relatively stable relationship for 3 years from 22 to 25 in which we envisaged our entire future together - he was ENFJ - and met my INFJ at the tail-end of that stable relationship last year after realising I had settled for stability and convenience over the connection and ideals I had once believed in searching for years ago.) 

Not speaking for all INTJ's, but if they are anything like me, then we tend to hold back in and observe for the first few months in a relationship. Often, other types seem to dive in and from day one they have committed, but even if the relationship is "official" I am still observing and I am never completely sure - I am highly aware that everything can change at any minute, but in my mind commitment, trust and that certain "je ne sais quoi" are foundations. When one of those three factors appears to have cracks, then I run like the wind. All three are extremely difficult to both find and sustain - especially with regard the final as we really don't know how it works. 

I was hesitant for about 4 months before even admitting I had any feelings for Mr INFJ. When he asked I what I was thinking or what I was feeling I would duly turn the question back on him. Or I would deflect with a random thought which was nothing to do with us or feelings. 

Your observation on the ability to overcome differences is highly pertinent. Mr INFJ has some really strong and stubborn views about how people should behave in relationships. These are surprisingly conventional given that his tastes are so unconventional. I on the other hand am pretty liberal (I stay in contact with ex's, I have male friends who I have completely platonic friendships with and am comfortable having to stay - they are like brothers, and if people are into polygamy that's up to them...although I'm really not into that at all) Anyway, suffice to say, me staying in contact with ex's etc was something which both angered and upset him uncontrollably. 

But he explained his reasoning, I listened, I realised that it's not worth causing him so much upset and that the only reason I was being stubborn was because of a fear of being caged/kept and realised that that was unreasonable. So we worked it out. 

Similarly, he wants to be around me all the time. But I really desperately need personal time sometimes. So we talked it out and as long as I give him advanced warning then he is completely comfortable with being separate and not contacting me for a day or two at a time. Although generally I love being around him as it feels like a paradise from the world. It's just that I have to take public transport for just under two hours to get to him after work and vice versa and we both hate public transport...

What could have been a deal breaker with other people isn't with him because we are both able to sit, talk, and understand what is happening.


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## EndsOfTheEarth (Mar 14, 2015)

Chris Merola said:


> She was relationship avoidant and ran off when things felt too intense within her, so we currently aren't friends. This stings quite a bit, but I'd like to just objectively discuss how nice this pairing is.
> 
> 
> She had much anxiety and had a bit of a persona she played at school, believe it or not, so I spurred a clashing of her two worlds when I was around and so not much of the physical hanging out occurred unless we were outside of school and alone.
> ...


Hope you don't mind me commenting on this Chris. I'd say those things you mentioned had to do with her fearful avoidant attachment style. For what it's worth, she probably didn't see your intimacy as a mere enjoyable activity. She probably found it very intimate, enough to shame her and then cause the defensive mechanism to arise with the....I'm sooo not attached right now. 
And probably a major reason why she doesn't talk to you, fear of her own emotions. 

Overall yes I'd say INTJ female is reluctant to get into relationships, depending on the health level though many do. The reluctance as part of the personality profile is the security seeking factor. Relationships are emotionally intense, so don't want to go down that road too often or too freely. Want to be sure of the temp of the water before jumping in because train wrecks are painful and difficult to get over.


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## Chris Merola (Jul 11, 2014)

Dorkus said:


> Wow, thanks for sharing Chris. Considering it's only June and you said this experience was for a few months of this year, the stinging must still be very present.
> 
> I note that I'm a fair bit older than you so if it's any consolation, I really don't think it was anything you did. I have been through 6 relationships in my 26 years. The number also depends on how you define romantic relationship I suppose. I broke up with all of them. A brief run-down: I started dating at 15, realised I wasn't ready and vowed I would not get into a relationship until I was 18 ...swore off of men but somehow ended up in a strange love triangle at 20 for a year where I was not with either of them but thought I might have feelings for both and in the end decided neither should be an option then had a very brief fling with a band guy (completely not my style, but I've realised I'm very much intrigued by what I don't know), then a relatively stable relationship for 3 years from 22 to 25 in which we envisaged our entire future together - he was ENFJ - and met my INFJ at the tail-end of that stable relationship last year after realising I had settled for stability and convenience over the connection and ideals I had once believed in searching for years ago.)
> 
> ...


So you would say around your early twenties you started to feel ready for a relationship? That is fair, we were both only 17 and she had been burned by a previous relationship where she had been dumped the preceding year, so her avoidant behavior makes sense.

I find it interesting how you enter a relationship with a one foot out the door approach, its a bit disconcerting to hear because I usually enter the relationship only when I have a full resolution to see it through. 

I notice what you are saying about dodging question based on personal thoughts or emotions, my INTJ would say she considers her mind sacred and it takes a lot for someone to get into there. She also said that she didn't enjoy sharing ideas until they were fully developed or supported, a very Te approach as compared to my constant theorizing and probing Ti that didn't mind being incorrect as long as it lead somewhere.

I identify with the stubborn nature of your INFJ. I was this way for a while but the INTJ admittedly made me rethink a few things about the standard relationship as society presents it. She was very against sentimentality and mushy grand romantic gestures. I realized that these were things I found unnecessary and arbitrary. I had been with a very sentimental INFP for my first relationship and so gifts/gestures were important to her. Since I would absorb her happiness when she received the gifts, I thought that I enjoyed it as well. It simply isn't true; Si attaches subjective value to objects, and that is the very last function for us INFJs and INTJs.

I would say the only egregious act would be hanging out with exes alone, the rest seems fine. I don't know if I would let him influence you away from that, but if his reasoning was sound then its fine. I would imagine his reasons were the fact that he wants to be able to provide for you in every aspect and the fact that you are still close with other guys makes him feel like he is lacking in something he could be doing for you.

My INTJ would hang out alone with her guy friends and such, but she simply wasn't the type to hold that over you or feel good about the attention so I trusted her. I would have a light kneejerk envy, but only because I wished I was able to hang out with her more. She lived about an hour away (Neither of us have cars, its an issue lol) and she would put off hanging out for fear of intimacy. I wished we could have just stayed close without her running off. If only I had taken my time further and not adamantly pushed for closeness. She disliked that, and for good reason. Do you have any advice as to what I could do to regain her presence in my life again?

Yes, in the end, communication is absolutely key. One cannot shut down and walk away from an issue, talking over it peacefully and tactfully is the greatest tool for any relationship. Best of luck to you two, I'm hoping it works out!


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## Chris Merola (Jul 11, 2014)

InSolitude said:


> Hope you don't mind me commenting on this Chris. I'd say those things you mentioned had to do with her fearful avoidant attachment style. For what it's worth, she probably didn't see your intimacy as a mere enjoyable activity. She probably found it very intimate, enough to shame her and then cause the defensive mechanism to arise with the....I'm sooo not attached right now.
> And probably a major reason why she doesn't talk to you, fear of her own emotions.
> 
> Overall yes I'd say INTJ female is reluctant to get into relationships, depending on the health level though many do. The reluctance as part of the personality profile is the security seeking factor. Relationships are emotionally intense, so don't want to go down that road too often or too freely. Want to be sure of the temp of the water before jumping in because train wrecks are painful and difficult to get over.


I wouldn't mind at all, thank you for the input, it's very appreciated. I believe her attachment style was avoidant, I'm not sure if it was fearful/avoidant. I sent her the test but she felt offended when I suggested that she was most likely avoidant and therefore didn't want to take it for fear of showing me her results.

I hope what you say it correct, because otherwise I would have felt very under appreciated and used. I found that our time together was very important to me and I hold it closely to my heart, it's just a sad turn of events, the way everything developed. I would have stood by and helped develop trust and growth, all that was necessary was for her to open up.

Again, thank you for your input.


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## Sygma (Dec 19, 2014)

Maybe she simply wasn't into you and a part of her mind holded back. Into you as in, the distance etc opposed to have someone close when needed. The biggest problem with INTJ is that : they think too much. Ironically when you show them, with a bit of logic that is mixed with "simple" beauty why they're probably wrong ... they bloom.

It take time. A lot of effort. It worth everything tho but if she's really not sure there's nothing you can do about it. That's when Fe act like a little bitch usually


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## Dorkus (Jun 18, 2015)

Chris Merola said:


> So you would say around your early twenties you started to feel ready for a relationship? That is fair, we were both only 17 and she had been burned by a previous relationship where she had been dumped the preceding year, so her avoidant behavior makes sense.
> 
> I find it interesting how you enter a relationship with a one foot out the door approach, its a bit disconcerting to hear because I usually enter the relationship only when I have a full resolution to see it through.
> 
> ...




Your situation is much more complicated than you possibly realise...

1. She was dumped just before you two met/ started talking...

There are a few factors which would be playing out in her mind from this. Firstly, if she had still not achieved closure on that relationship then she may not even be ready to move on - she may still be figuring things out, analysing what happened, trying to reach conclusions on what that means about him, her, humanity and how she should proceed. If you two met at this stage then she may be distracted by you, be using you as a sounding board and becoming generally more confused. If your interactions were slowing down her ability to think through what happened last year then it means she had not completed the process of getting over than and ready for a new relationship. If it was speeding it up then she would not be sure whether her feelings towards you are related to the positive outcomes of that sped up thinking process, or if it is because she genuinely has feelings for you as who you are - either way, there is confusion and it will be because she is still in the middle of thinking things through about the previous relationship. 

The other possibility is that she has gotten over it, but has been emotionally scarred to the extent that she is now unhealthy and being protective of herself. I do not know enough about your interactions, your characteristics, or her ex's characteristics to make a judgement, but there are some possibilities here with varying solutions accordingly. The scarring will have resulted in some universal rules which she consciously or unconsciously applies to her environment (in this case, you are the subject). If the rule is "all guys will hurt me so don't get too close" then it's going to be a very long road for you to get close to her and will also depend on her experience, observations and learning of other men and other people's relationships. If she is open to chatting just a little, then you may have to be patient and just be a friend she can trust...and this may go on for a very very long time...potentially forever but that would be a risk you would need to make a decision on. 

If on the other hand the rule is "men who have these characteristics and behaviour [those which she has identified as leading to the breakup] will hurt me" then perhaps there is something that you have done or said that makes her believe that a relationship with you would be futile? You will only know this if you have enough information about her ex, or through conversation with her.

My speculation is just based on my own reaction to rejection in general, or generally hurtful events. 

2. Disregarding the above

If we disregard the dumping and look at the situation solely in terms of you and her...you may be right on the moving too fast front. If she hadn't figured out completely whether she wanted to be with you and sensed that you were becoming disappointed/hurt/frustrated/extremely emotionally involved when she was not ready or sure about what she was feeling, then the stress is enough for her to want to stop completely. She may have exams/studies or other things on the go and she will tell herself that those things are more important or more easy to solve - they also involve less risk of her hurting you if it turns out she wants nothing more than friendship. If she feels that way, then you pushing would only make her feel that there is no way out because you cannot just be friends when one of you feels so intensely.

If this is the case, and you have already shown your cards, then she may be terrified.

Another possibility is that you have not been open enough. She doesn't understand what you are feeling and is perhaps suspicious that even if you say you feel a certain way that you don't really feel that way and you have not figured it out enough. If it seemed that she was asking you lots of questions all the time or just staring at you sometimes, then she was probably trying to figure you out. Did she ask lots of questions about why you think you feel a certain way? What you think a relationship means? What you think love really is? What is it about her, about you, that you think makes you two get on so well?

Your answers to these questions will only really make sense to her if they are based in observable fact and experience. "I just know" or "I just feel the way I do" is not enough.

3. Getting back in contact

This is extremely difficult but the best approach will be to be very direct and honest. No manipulation, no grey areas. Tell her exactly what you are thinking, how you view her, what your expectations are in getting back in touch.

If your expectations are that you will become romantically involved, then I think you should probably give up. 

However, if your expectations are that you will be able to communicate with someone you get on really well with and you would like to just have her in your life and to be in hers, then that is completely fine.

But don't lie to yourself or her about it. 


On your observation of me entering with one foot out the door - I have never really seen it that way but I suppose you are right in a way. Every relationship I enter, I enter with the full intention of it working out forever - and I have a vision of how it could pan out based on my knowledge and experience at that time. The problem is that I know that people and situations are infinitely changeable and there are always aspects of a person that we do not know at any given time - therefore I am aware that there is always the possibility that something can happen to change your whole perspective or even the entire array of future possibilities so I always keep an eye out. Which I suppose has led me to break up so many times - something happens and I can't see a way forward any more. 

My last relationship lasted so long because I got better at communicating my concerns and he would promise to do things differently or I would make a compromise, or we would do something to change our material circumstances so that the future could happen. The issue was that things kept resetting back to square one and I realised that my initial intuition was right and we couldn't work. 

Also - you were absolutely spot on with INFJ's reasoning!!! I had a think about whether they do provide something that he can't and I had a rethink about why I need to keep in contact with them...and realised that it is just habit and a sense of duty. They don't add anything to my life anymore...so I'm ok with not keeping in contact with them as long as they understand why and if it means he doesn't feel hurt or uncomfortable. 

Anyway, I hope that helps. Thanks for the well-wishes! I know him and I have a long way to go...which is ok.

Edit: realised I missed your first question. I don't think I'll ever completely be ready in the sense of being super comfortable with everything and having no doubts that a single life would not be a better alternative. However, I do feel that all my relationships have taught me something, and by my early twenties I was ready to take the risks of committing and telling someone I love him. My first partner when I was a teenager tried to take his life in front of me when I realised I didn't love him...so I guess that had a bearing on my "readiness". The turning point was when I eventually realised that that was a freak incident and that if I never take risks then I will never move forward. Part of it was also just bare-faced bravery (even if I do say so myself).

Edit 2:

I should also mention - if your intuition is telling you that she definitely has feelings for you then trust that. My INFJ was 100% certain about me and never gave up. He was patient and let me ask as many questions as I want, but he also challenged me by asking me why I said and did certain things and he would share his interpretation for my comment. I guess you tried to do that by asking her to take that test, but that to her is making an assumption and then trying to prove it to her in too challenging a manner. A better approach may have been to ask explorative questions about how certain events made her feel or just letting her talk about certain things. Giving her some space to feel the gap when you're not there is also a good tactic, but be there for her if she asks - it shows commitment and dependability which leads to trust. These were just a few things my INFJ did to bring me round. I went from an adamant "no, it could never work", to "why do I act this way around him? why does it feel so comfortable with him? why do I miss him?", to "I never want to be apart from him. I think I really really care very much about him...shit, I want to be with him..." and we know the rest.


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## Dorkus (Jun 18, 2015)

Sygma said:


> Maybe she simply wasn't into you and a part of her mind holded back. Into you as in, the distance etc opposed to have someone close when needed. The biggest problem with INTJ is that : they think too much. Ironically when you show them, with a bit of logic that is mixed with "simple" beauty why they're probably wrong ... they bloom.
> 
> It take time. A lot of effort. It worth everything tho but if she's really not sure there's nothing you can do about it. That's when Fe act like a little bitch usually


I didn't notice your response until after I replied to Chris. Haha, I think my reply to Chris perhaps demonstrated your observation. Maybe I'm overthinking Chris' situation...but then again both INTJ's and INFJ's overthink...

I think your wording "Maybe she simply wasn't into you" is perhaps a bit off the mark. She may be really into Chris, but she may see the distance as a burden which is too much to overcome given her perception of the future prospects of the relationship. However, if she is not communicating what the real issue is, or if she has yet to realise what she truly feels, then she will be too stressed to think about it and will use the geographical distance as a reason to stop the interactions altogether. Or you also may be onto something with the distance - perhaps she feels the travelling is detracting from her independence and ability to carve out time for other pursuits? Does that mean that she views him as less important? Or does is simply mean that this is a basic need for her? She may not even realise it yet and misinterpret it as an indicator of the strength of her feelings for Chris.

You're completely right about Fe being a little bitch in those situations. I have witnessed this happen once with my INFJ already.


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## Chris Merola (Jul 11, 2014)

Dorkus said:


> Your situation is much more complicated than you possibly realise...
> 
> 1. She was dumped just before you two met/ started talking...
> 
> ...


I'm not sure how clear I was on this, but we met a year after this occurred and she said she was completely over the guy and the situation, it was a large embarrasment for her and it took her down a peg.

She described her ex as self righteous and critical, for the most part. She would say during some weaker moments that "Tim would say I was arrogant and *insert criticism*" Now, this was rare and I believe what he said to her affected her deeply but he isn't the only person whose input brings her down/had brought her down before. She has a critical father who pushes her very hard. I tried my best to support her, hear her out when she would explain these situations, and rationally explain that she is much better than she feels and much better than what is being said to her in criticisms.

She was very worried about me taking things more seriously than her, I found this humorous and ironic and I would poke fun at the fact that her seriousness over my perceived seriousness made her the more worried partner and that we should just relax. I think a part of me felt rushed so that she could feel like she didn't have to constantly flip flop in her mind and be worried about the situation, I was always flirty and clear with my interest, but I never got too mushy with her.

She definitely probed me quite a bit on my ideas on relationships; I have many ideas on them and I consider them to be versatile beasts for growth. She didn't enjoy the prospect of growth, she felt like being who she was now and accepting that was imperative. I find that theres a balance between satisfaction and desiring more out of yourself. This would certainly be a point of contention that made her not want to pursue things.

I was mostly open but I got dodgy when it came to the physicality aspects. I mostly wanted to please her and feel a more close connection and that avenue seemed to work best for both of us, but doing that when we were technically still friends gave me guilt for a while. I didn't want to bring it up to her but I eventually said it in passing, half jokingly, which she took seriously and felt very badly about. That was the last reaction I could have hoped for, and so I reached within and restructured my opinions on intimacy from the ground up in order to adapt; I came to the conclusion that calling something a relationship or not doesn't amplify or diminish the feelings and the connection involved, and so what we did was personally acceptable. That conclusion calmed things down.

I frequently made sure to support feelings with a logical reason or a closely held concept or belief. Something tangible or understandable, at the very least.

My goodness, that partner almost killing himself scenario is traumatizing, that's enough to run you away from relationships forever. I've been in comparative situations where my INFP ex would cut herself and blame me or threaten to kill herself, but it was mostly histrionics.

I did challenge her, perhaps a bit too much like you mentioned. I remember how comfortable we were together when we were alone, it felt euphoric; the air became a soft lapping of waves and we just sat absorbed in a current of conversation, relativity, and closeness. In school she was so anxious though, she undoubtedly felt uncomfortable around me, which was disconcerting. That never resolved itself, but we discussed it and she explained her position well. 

I do love asking her questions and hearing her responses, but eventually it got to a point where she didn't want to speak anymore about her inner world. She had told me I was pushy and she didn't enjoy that I called her out as avoidant. She said she explains her reasoning to me and I simply tell her she is wrong. I don't recall doing these things, I felt very open minded to her perspectives. I would offer my alternatives and parts that I object to, but maybe this was seen as a refutation of the reasoning itself.

I'm reading over the last messages I received from her now, and it seems all over the place. It's like she only reveals her true emotions when I wear her down with charm somewhat, at these points she reveals an inner lust for me and a desire, but she will later dismiss it as a craving that she gave into the next day. 

She felt eerily adamant in our final conversation, she clearly stated that she didn't want anything further and she enjoyed me as a friend. I find that statement to be insincere because afterwards I reached out a few times to be friendly and she was cold or she simply ignored me. Something is up, but I admittedly feel like her feelings may have run cold, either that or she has reduced them to an intimation of a hint by running far away within herself. I might send her a message one of these days reaffirming the admiration I have for her and that there isn't any animosity within me, just in case she thinks that's how I feel.


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## Sygma (Dec 19, 2014)

You know, what you're writting down sound a little bit too close to home with the INTJ I was having a LDR with. Now, we bonded in a very, very over the top and light way as in, we simply were playful / mean / having witty banters pretty much all the time, except in serious conversations where not a single form of judgment was used.

If it was, I was the one doing it in a very lightweight maneer, always using something playful / witty to make her realise that her actions or words could be interpretated in a lot of different ways. She was absolutely mindful of that, but in her mind things were planned or could happen in a certain way because she was using a lot of past experiences as a starting point in her analyses. (No, she wasn't usin Si, she just had a lot of fears)

So you know how that work as an INFJ vs INTJ : you bring understanding and realisation, then the INTJ is amazed, try things and realising that indeed, it's not as wrong as they thought, they continue and take it a step further.

The problem is their definition of "judgmental / critical". I don't know if they are unable to take any kind of criticism, even the really positive one. I don't know if the type as a whole got a background on that but it require so much work to just bring a new perspective on the table in an impersonal way or something they could smile about in order to accept it, at some point it just feel draining.

@Dorkus


> I think your wording "Maybe she simply wasn't into you" is perhaps a bit off the mark.


Is it tho ? When a person is really into someone else, the efforts that you re putting in are somehow exciting. You don't really analyse, you let things flow. And from what @Chris Merola is writting, he apparently put so much work into this, by trying to not be too promiscuous in order to make her feel good, since she had doubts.

And that's where it is puzzling for us. Because proximity is kinda needed. But, taking a tangent here, the main word is *work*. I'm not seeing Chris saying that she came to him repeatedly to get to know him better, or that she arranged a date. That she actually reciprocated the efforts on a constant basis

So, a bit off the mark ? not too sure. Keep in mind that, INTJ do have the capability of giving you the cold shoulder when their mind flip a switch. Months after if you stop interacting with them, if they realise that they were wrong or something like that, they'll come back. Maybe try again. You can't be too sure.

Mine was so scared, had major self confidence issues because of an abusive partner that she was just not ready to the whole "closeness" all over again, beeing truelly vulnerable and all of that. I mean it was so bad she couldn't even write little teasing things because, not feeling ready. Or be comforting, at all. Instead she did a lot of little things that she couldn't say in order to show a "I'm here, don't you worry"

She also was flipping avoidant / repressing her feelings and quite a queen on the "I'm staying with persons in a relationship even if I no longer feel love for them since so long". 

Everyone got issues. All it take is a little bit of self courage to accept that someone can handle you as you are, and quiet down that voice in your mind who very much like to ruin things. But that take maturity and repeated efforts

That said you pinpointed it accurately with the


> However, if she is not communicating what the real issue is


 bit.

Avoidance, in general


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## Chris Merola (Jul 11, 2014)

@Sygma

There was reciprocation involved and she said that she made attempts to be more complementary and understand my emotions. She would say every so often that this wasn't her forte and that she was doing the best she could. She would start about a third of our conversations, and if she couldn't contribute to her fullest ability, she simply wouldn't respond. Which is good, I don't want fake or "filler" conversations.

She would bring up hanging out, but only under the guise of friendship or nothing serious. Eventually after the physicality started she stopped wanting to hang out altogether.

I understand what you are saying about liking someone, but I think that in some cases when you really like someone you will tend to overthink. To be clear, she did tell me she liked me on several occasions and would compliment my personality and looks, but I'm pretty sure it faded or she hid it away once she started feeling like I was pushy. There was a time where she actually used the word "perfect" to describe me, or she would say I am amazing and such.


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## Sygma (Dec 19, 2014)

@Chris Merola



> but I think that in some cases when you really like someone you will tend to overthink.


Guilty ! not too much but it happen. Well, let's hope time will play in your favor then man =) she might simply be reassessing everything logically, she might have the feelings but not showing them.

Rest of what you said is also comforting


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## Eppi (Nov 21, 2016)

I'm not dating him (yet? Fingers crossed) but I'm getting to be good friends with a lovely infj guy. Like you, I've recently been developing my Fi, and that has helped me a tonnn to be able to relate to him emotively. As it is, we "get" each other intuitively, it's been surprisingly easy to begin to trust one another, etc. Only thing is, he almost never initiates hanging out - but he always agrees to hang out, and has apologized for not initiating (yet continues to not initiate). In his defense, he's having a pretty rough time with school and family issues. But it's still confusing, bc in person he gives off flirty af vibes. -_-


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