# INFJ and INTJ Relationships



## mmmahon

I've been reading up a lot on the INFJ and INTJ relationships and in quite a few posts and forums I read I saw that most people were inclined to believe that the two personalities clashed in one way or another. I actually found this quite surprising because I (an INFJ) have three extremely close INTJ friends. We get along quite well. I find the idea that INFJs are able to sense how things are intuitively, very accurate. In my friendships with INTJs I find this works to an advantage, because they naturally may not express an emotion or how they feel about something, and as an INFJ I can typically sense what they are or aren't expressing. In this manner, I don't have to annoy them by asking them about what they are thinking/feeling. I also find that both being introverts, it's easier to get along. I have several extroverted friends, but I have always found my friendships with introverts are much stronger and closer. I can understand an INTJs strong idea or opinion on a subject, and not have the need to argue with it if I disagree. I'd like to think they appreciate that. 

INFJs can also be independent, and mixed with certain introverted ways, I find that I at least, don't need constant reassurance from friends or public showy displays of affection. If a situation seems different, I'll usually be able to tell and analyze it in my mind. Actually, I find some big public displays of affection and such embarrassing and unnecessary. 

My INTJ friends and I are similar in many aspects, but also very different. I am definitely more understanding and empathetic to emotions, whereas they are not. I don't talk about them though, I only really think through them in my head. I think that may contribute my introverted senses. I'm not confrontational about emotions or most things, which I believe is a good mix with a typical INTJ. 

Though not being confrontational, does sometimes leave my emotions bottled up. On rare occasions, if someone has really done something to set off my long fuse, I'll have an outburst. This isn't a usual thing, but the outburst will be very direct; saying I don't really take my anger out on others for things they weren't involved in. This may contribute to the generalized idea that INFJs are emotional, and the disliking of it because of the unpredictability and confusion of emotions INFJs aren't really even sure of themselves. I am not an extremely emotional person, but I feel as though I may know and understand emotions better than the typical INTJ, and would not disagree with the fact that I am more emotional than the typical INTJ. When I do feel strong emotions I am usually alone thinking, and once again- I don't usually express them to others.

I have found my INTJ friends to be extremely helpful, to some they may come off as cold, but I don't see it that way. I admit that recently I have allowed someone to manipulate me with their emotions. It was a difficult situation to be in because I allowed my empathy for this person to overrule what I know I should have done, but didn't have the heart to until recently. My closest INTJ friend, whom I have found to be very trusting in, knew about the situation and analyzed it very logically. She wanted me to do strictly what I wanted and what was best for me. I analyzed it on what would cause the least amount of problems, what would hurt this person the least. In my mind what I wanted and thought didn't matter. I was sacrificing my own needs and wants for an ultimate outcome of what I believed to be the best, though it was killing me. 

Eventually by taking the advice of INTJs I ended the whole situation and have ended up much happier. That's just an example, but I do believe that INTJs and INFJs can mutually help each other through issues, which in the end creates a stronger bond. 

The main difference between INTJs and INFJs is the emotion level. Although, I don't find the difference a problem, in a way the differences cancel and balance each other out. An INTJ is typically not good expressing their emotions or understanding others' emotions. I don't see how this is a problem with an INFJ though, because if they are understanding and perceptive as said to be, they should be able to connect the dots in their head of what's going on with an INTJ friend. I don't believe an INTJ would find a true INFJ over the top with emotions because they are introverted as well, and that especially applies to their emotions. I've been accused of having "no passion" before because of my inability to show and express how I'm feeling. 

An INFJ understands people better than the typical INTJ by evaluating their emotions. Even though they have this connection and empathy for people, they still have an extremely hard time understanding their own thoughts and emotions and expressing them, which is somewhat like the INTJ. Although an INTJ has a better and stronger idea of what they think and who they are, they may not verbalize it. INTJs are typically misjudged and misunderstood by other personalities, but saying the INFJ is able to understand some deeper than others, only creates a stronger bond between the two. If an INTJ wanted to go to an INFJ for help on a situation, the INFJ could help them and even give another view on the situation to help the INTJ solve it. 

INFJ and INTJ personalities are supposedly some of the rarest around, and as a paired friendship I could really see the two getting along. The two balance out each other, and as a pair the INTJ could be the initiator of things, and the INFJ the negotiator. INTJ and an INFJ have a silent understanding with one another, leading to less frustrations. INFJs and INTJs can also really open up to one another if they both feel like they are close. Their close similarities also helps them get a long and have a better understanding of one another in most aspects. Are there any other INTJs or INFJs that have a strong friendship with the other? I'd like to hear about other opinions on the relationships and how they may/may not work out.


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## SweetPickles

I'm married to one and our attraction to each other was pretty instant. He has told me that he's never been able to have conversations like we do in his previous relationships. We can both be stubborn, although I'm pretty logical I can get really worked up and passionate (emotional) over certain things he doesn't see the point in. It's a good match, but like any relationship there are some minor pitfalls. He doesn't understand why I get "hunches" about certain things without facts backing me up. I have surprised him a couple of times, but he surprises me too. He can usually peg how I'm going to react to something, what I will say. Then there are times he's way off 

I also don't consider myself very needy of affection or attention but sometimes he can appear so aloof, I wonder what is going on. What's going on is usually nothing, or has nothing to do with me. I am definitely more of a worrier than he is and his calm logical presence helps with that. We both benefit from each other in different ways.

My mother has also tested as an INTJ, we understand each other very well. 

All I have to say is when I get in an argument with either of them it's like two rams butting heads. I do admit when I'm wrong though .


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## ruth2ten

Welcome!
Enjoy your time around the forums.
Cheers!


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## Borrowed Lunacy

This isn't meant to be a hurtful comment, but walls of text are hard to read. Could you insert a few paragraph?
Welcome to the forums.
P.S. INTJs mesh differently on the internet as compared to real life, as do INFJs, most of the clashes happen online and not in real life


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## mmmahon

MelanieM said:


> I also don't consider myself very needy of affection or attention but sometimes he can appear so aloof, I wonder what is going on. What's going on is usually nothing, or has nothing to do with me. I am definitely more of a worrier than he is and his calm logical presence helps with that.


I can definitely understand that! Thanks!


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## mmmahon

Hope that helps!


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## brennalynn

Hey, I'm new to this site as well  I'm an INFJ and was with an INTJ for a vast majority of my high school years, from the instant we met. Because we were both rather reserved, it was an amazing intellectual/intuitive relationship and we both were able to open up to each other and understand each other like no others possibly could. It's true that Extroverts bring us Introverts out of our shells, but because I am nearly Extrovert (and INFJs are notorious for being faux-Extroverts) I was able to play that role with us. The problem for us was always my insecurity with my INTJ's feelings towards me, which were felt but not always expressed verbally. This is a common T/F problem, and if communicated correctly can be compromised. I learned more security without affirmation, and my INTJ helped by communicating their thoughts with me more often. I actually learned what made my INTJ feel affectionate and expressive, and took it as especially great when those feelings were communicated with me because I knew how rare they were.

Anyway, to my experience INTJs and INFJs can immediately click because they're on the same Introvert/iNtuitive level, which is dominant in both personalities, and can have an understanding that brings them closer than they would be to most other personality types. They will have to work at communication though, depending on how "Feeling" the INFJ is  I'm personally 95% Feeling sooo it was hard work for me XD

Edit: I'd also like to say that the end of our relationship had nothing to do with incompatability, it had to do with distance and opposition from my parents. My INTJ was more realistic than I was about the possibility of it working out long-distance, at least for now. We are very close to this day


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## SweetPickles

brennalynn said:


> Hey, I'm new to this site as well  I'm an INFJ and was with an INTJ for a vast majority of my high school years, from the instant we met. Because we were both rather reserved, it was an amazing intellectual/intuitive relationship and we both were able to open up to each other and understand each other like no others possibly could. It's true that Extroverts bring us Introverts out of our shells, but because I am nearly Extrovert (and INFJs are notorious for being faux-Extroverts) I was able to play that role with us. The problem for us was always my insecurity with my INTJ's feelings towards me, which were felt but not always expressed verbally. This is a common T/F problem, and if communicated correctly can be compromised. I learned more security without affirmation, and my INTJ helped by communicating their thoughts with me more often. I actually learned what made my INTJ feel affectionate and expressive, and took it as especially great when those feelings were communicated with me because I knew how rare they were.
> 
> Anyway, to my experience INTJs and INFJs can immediately click because they're on the same Introvert/iNtuitive level, which is dominant in both personalities, and can have an understanding that brings them closer than they would be to most other personality types. They will have to work at communication though, depending on how "Feeling" the INFJ is  I'm personally 95% Feeling sooo it was hard work for me XD


Great description  in my earlier years I don't think I would have been able to handle the communication differences. My husband and I met later in life, he tries his best to understand my emotions. I also try to understand where he's coming from (Logical Land). He does have emotions but has firm control over them, I wish I had that sometimes. It's so true about the T/F issues. It's a compromise, but it's worth it . I know if my husband met me when he was younger he would be much less tolerant of my moodiness .

I honestly think sometimes love is about timing and maturity levels more so than personality types.


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## brennalynn

MelanieM said:


> I honestly think sometimes love is about timing and maturity levels more so than personality types.


Exactly  The entire relationship changed me so much. I have a much firmer grasp on my sexuality and my own emotional needs within a relationship, and how they fit with the needs of a partner like INTJ. Compromise is needed in any relationship, INFJs and INTJs just happen to often have a need for compromise in the T/F area. I definitely wasn't always willing to put forth enough effort, and neither was she, which caused a big separation between us. But after a month or so our feelings overwhelmed our pride, and she had a stroke of emotion and affection-- which I learned to appreciate as rare and wonderful, and used to remind myself of whenever she was closed off, aloof, or--oh god--logical.  My INTJ and I made it work only because I like to think we're both mature beyond our years.


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## LadyO.W.BernieBro

Welcome to PerC.


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## Bear987

Hi! Good thing you joined, because there's lots to talk about and many awesome people to meet. Have fun out there - or should I say: in here?!


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## BalloonsBunny

Hi I'm new here too . My current bf is an INTJ and he really understands me in many ways. He always listens to me, or tries to when I don't want to talk much bout how I feel. I have been dealing with depression for a couple of years now bc of my ex but my bf is very patient with me. I honestly don't think anyone could ever be as patient as he is with me. I like the fact that we are both introverts too because I find it much easier to talk to him. I couldn't be happier. :3


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## DeusCrysis

I have an INFJ friend(male). He is quite nice and though may not have vast amounts of knoledge can usually readily understand what i tell him. And also being very easy too talk too can see peoples emotions and understand them quite well. I appreciate having him around in an emotional discussion(which im never apart of but always seem to be around-.-)becuase he seems to know what to say or comfort them. Saves me from having to say anything. Score one for me, so our relationship is ok but not that deep either


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