# How to cease communication with your parents without hurting their feelings



## viva (Aug 13, 2010)

Does anyone here have any experience with successfully creating communication boundaries or temporarily cutting off contact with one or both parents?

Long story short: I'm turning 22 in a couple of weeks. I'm a college grad, working full-time, supporting myself on my own, and renting my own apartment about an hour away from where my parents live. 

My mother was verbally and emotionally abusive when I was growing up, and I have accepted that I will never have a healthy relationship with her. When I went away to college, my family situation got a little better, thanks to the distance between us. However, things have taken an unexpected turn for the worse now that I am officially out on my own and no longer dependent on them for any kind of support.

They constantly harass me to be in contact with them frequently, and if I'm not, they assume I've died. Whenever I _do_ proactively reach out to them in an attempt to placate them and avoid the paranoia, it always ends in my mom making offensive comments that trigger painful childhood memories, which leads to me not wanting to talk to them at all and not answering their calls, which leads to them irrationally thinking I've died and inappropriately calling my roommate and even my boss... it's a cycle.

I'm at the point where I need space and room to build my identity as an adult, and feeling like I have to report to them when I garner no positive influence or support from conversing with them is serving as a huge barrier to my mental health. I just want to be free from their negative influence. I think the best thing for me would be a temporary hiatus from contact - until I'm better at dealing with the emotions that arise from interacting with them, and until they've had more time to accept that I'm no longer a child under their control.

But how do I tell them I don't want to see them or speak to them without completely burning the bridge?

Any similar experiences or advice would be appreciated.


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## Sinistra Manus (Jul 10, 2012)

Tell them that you need time without parental interference, and that you'll contact them when you feel ready to continue. 
You can't exactly refrain from speaking with your parents without harming them emotionally in some way. You'll just have to face the repercussions if this is what you really want.


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## mental blockstack (Dec 15, 2011)

Their feelings are their responsibility, not yours. Make them kiss your ass as you go your own way, then as they're forced to deal with it they will eventually get accustomed to what reality has become. It will be easier to be friendly with them at that point, though it sounds like getting there would be very difficult and that you also have personal memories to accept if you want to be on good terms with them.


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## nonnaci (Sep 25, 2011)

I tell mine to use email although we're not on poor terms anyways. Unlike texting which incurs some crazy expectation to respond back within some short time frame, email gives you the control over when to respond, depth/length of content, and the degree of formality to colloquialism in the manner. It's a more subtle form of power-playing without risking a direct confrontation.


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## SublimeSerendipity (Dec 30, 2010)

@viva, When you find out how let me know!!!

I'm 27, have a post-grad degree, a professional career, a serious relationship, and a studio apartment in Manhattan --- yet my mom still believes that she can call me and tell me when she's coming to visit (from 8 hours away) and expect me to drop everything in my life for her.

...........if only I had the balls to say no :dry:

I too was emotionally and verbally abused most of my life - still am.


Good luck, I wish I had better advice. I'm back in therapy and it's helping me come to terms with the damage she did, and maybe in time I will be able to stand up for myself against her.

BTW, what type is your mom? Mine is an ESFJ (an unhealthy one) and I find it's a really bad combination with us ENFPs.


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## Dark NiTe (Mar 5, 2012)

Sounds like my mom. "Hey, I'm going to bully you and then try to guilt trip you when you stand up for yourself, and slander you to your grandparents. Please love me and give me/my two year old daughter all the attention in the world on my whim." Haven't seen her since my sisters birthday party this summer, which was the last for about a year, since before last thanksgiving anyway.


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## Space Cat (Nov 20, 2010)

This will never end well. Either of your feelings will be hurt. It seems allright for them to hurt yours anyway. So when it comes down to you, it would be a problem.

I've just ended communication with my (emotionally abusive) mom without actually ending it. What happened is i finally learnt to love myself and stand up for myself. I've tried many times and many years to end it but it kept going (like you said, a cycle) and i didn't know what to do. Strangely, this helped and it changed everything.

The hard truth is that the only way to end it is to do exactly that. Burning bridges. It's not something either of you want. But you are left with no choice and i can understand that.
However, it is the only way it can be done (as someone who has been there) to tell them upfront. You're old enough and you can take care of yourself.
Don't forget these..



Do not allow them to ruin your life
Bringing up childhood memories are irrelevant
Start building up your identity. You don't need them to do it. Even with them around, you can do it.

Let them think that you're dead. I know what i'm saying is harsh but it's true and it has to be done. It's the only way. It's either this or abuse. You have to take the step. Emotional abuse is still abuse and that is not how love works.
If someone loves you, they wouldn't do these things to hurt you.
That is what i learnt when i learned to love myself. 
Also, don't give them your contact numbers.
If they keep stalking you, you may have to start a new life. New place, new job, etc.

Right now, i'm not financially stable with no support whatsoever and this thing ended without me doing anything about it. Now that i'm out tho, i've learnt that i don't need them to survive. I am independent 

The things you've said rings very true to me. I've been there and the thing is i'm _still_ living with them but not under their control anymore. I will be moving out next year. They're also keeping quiet because i'm paying the rent. At the end of the day, it's about money.


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## fihe (Aug 30, 2012)

my first thought when reading this was that you are very lucky that you have just graduated and have the means to live on your own. as far as I'm concerned, you can completely cut off contact with your family forever, since you don't _need_ them at this point. if I were in your situation, I'd tell my parents to consider me dead. that is, if you also do not wish to keep in contact with extended family members. however, if you don't want to remove yourself from your entire family, what I would tell my parents is that I need room to grow as an adult, and that this is not possible with their interference.

I must ask, how were you so lucky to gain such employment at your age? did you have an internship with the company, or at least in the industry?


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## nakkinaama (Jun 20, 2012)

Start going out more. Dont be at home, etc.


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## Quasar (Oct 20, 2012)

Why are you asking for a way to cut them off without cutting them off? Such a thing is not possible.

Just cease contact with them. Burn the bridge. When people ask you why, tell them the truth: your parents abuse you, and you refuse to put up with it. Tell your parents that you will resume speaking to them if they become worthy of it. They are making a mistake; they deserve to have their feelings hurt.

You are not obligated to speak to anyone, especially not anyone who hurts you.


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## NT the DC (May 31, 2012)

viva said:


> Does anyone here have any experience with successfully creating communication boundaries or temporarily cutting off contact with one or both parents?
> 
> Long story short: I'm turning 22 in a couple of weeks. I'm a college grad, working full-time, supporting myself on my own, and renting my own apartment about an hour away from where my parents live.
> 
> ...


I am not really sure of the extent of your abuse so I can't really vouch for a proper response.

I would just like to add that if your parents worry about you even today that it doesn't give me the impression that they are terrible people.

I have a father who is very negative and what's helped me most is understand that he cares for me but he just has so much stuff that he never worked on and perhaps will never get over. I accept that he's just a negative person. I really just look to see what kind of interactions we have that are positive and go for those type of interactions. Communicating via phone with us just doesn't work he goes on about the same negative things. But doing an activity together and he's fine. He's just not very good at communicating what he feels.

There is little you can do that change others but you can change the way you perceive them.


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