# INFP 1w9 - "The Existentialist"



## Dosto Yevsky

Greetings. I've bumped into MBTI/Socionics/Enneagram a couple of times over the past year, trying to utilise them in my ongoing quest to find myself. I dislike boxes but INFP, EII and 1w9 probably come closest. 

I was born a deeply reflective idealist, the kind who would give his clothes to those in need and look reproachfully at his parents for not doing the same. Despite straight A's and top scores in everything I ever studied, I decided to become a priest since the pursuit of anything material, be it money or academic success, never felt even remotely meaningful. Things happened, I didn't finish my studies and I got sidetracked; life and people turned out to be much more human than the innards of my mind. I began breaking down 4-5 years ago, lost my previous life in the last 2 years and am building up everything from scratch now. 

I'm here for the most important part of that - figuring out who I am and what I'm doing on this planet. I know that once I'm happy with those questions, the rest will fall in place. I'm rarely capable of harmless banter, my mind is always bent on finding, understanding, discovering important things and simply refuses to care about much else. Like small talk. It does have funny moods though, and may at times engage in bizarre attempts at humour.

I believe in brutal self-honesty. I regularly TMI people (is this already TMI for some?) and it seems I struggle to focus on anything else while I'm looking for myself. Whatever my mind is set on I excel at, but my mind isn't mine to set on things; to paraphrase Aldous Huxley, I'm not the driver of my car, I'm just a passenger. My life seems to flow smoothly whenever I can fully accept that and trust in the driver. Been struggling with that for the last 4-5 years.

I'm probably narcissistic in some disturbingly non-confrontational way, trying to pretend not to care, but somewhere deep down, I desire recognition of my considerable gifts. Common enough for those who deem themselves INFPs, it seems. This is something I'm currently trying to find a healthy balance on, apologies for the moments I come across as a selfish sod (guess I just did?). It's just me trying to be proud of what I am good at, rather than hiding it. I'm aiming at a calm, peaceful self-confidence, but it's an ongoing process and I regularly over- and underdo it.

I'm a language nerd, speak a dozen at varying levels and write poetry, short stories, song lyrics etc. in a couple of them. Have always spent much more time reading books than talking to people. I especially love Russian literature, Dostoevsky being my (obvious) favourite. Fingers crossed that my deepest self, once I locate the prick, turns out to be a brilliantly successful writer. If not, a zen monk might do. (Note to subconscious self: people don't read intros like this. Nitwit.)


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## Mr. CafeBot

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## Xenograft

We are the SAME PERSON.

Except about the priest thing. I'm super not religious in any way, shape, or form. And also the grades, I sucked in most of secondary school.


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## Dosto Yevsky

Lazy Bear said:


> We are the SAME PERSON.
> 
> Except about the priest thing. I'm super not religious in any way, shape, or form. And also the grades, I sucked in most of secondary school.


Not you then, Mycroft?

I'm not religious anymore, but I'm deeply spiritual. I'm highly rational as well, but while my rational side gives me very useful tools to navigate the world with, only my spiritual side gives my life meaning. If I had to pick just one of the two, I'd go with spirituality; better to live a meaningful life blind than a meaningless life with sharp eyes. I'm glad I have both.

I've never met anyone like me. The closest thing I can think of was an old bloke who had spent his whole life in spiritual pursuit of various kinds, including several years as a disciple of a zen master in Japan. My connection with him was instant and deep in a way I have not experienced otherwise.

So... give me one phrase, one sentence that means a lot to you from an author you love. Mine is the opening of Dostoevsky's "White Nights" (my translation):

"It was a wonderful night, dear reader, the kind of night that we only seem to experience when we are young. The sky was so full of stars, so shining bright, that, gazing upward, one could not help but wonder how there could possible exist whimsical, wicked people beneath such a sky."

(Original: Была чудная ночь, такая ночь, которая разве только и может быть тогда, когда мы молоды, любезный читатель. Небо было такое звездное, такое светлое небо, что, взглянув на него, невольно нужно было спросить себя: неужели же могут жить под таким небом разные сердитые и капризные люди?)


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## Blystone

OrchestraInside said:


> Not you then, Mycroft?
> 
> I've never met anyone like me. The closest thing I can think of was an old bloke who had spent his whole life in spiritual pursuit of various kinds, including several years as a disciple of a zen master in Japan. My connection with him was instant and deep in a way I have not experienced otherwise.


Did you know that 100% of the human species on planet earth contain what I and my researchers like to call "The Ugly Gene"? I'm sorry to tell you but you have a severe case of such disease! Everyone on planet earth is like YOU everybody has the dreadful Ugly Gene!


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## Dosto Yevsky

TheUglyGENE said:


> Did you know that 100% of the human species on planet earth contain what I and my researchers like to call "The Ugly Gene"? I'm sorry to tell you but you have a severe case of such disease! Everyone on planet earth is like YOU everybody has the dreadful Ugly Gene!


Splendid. Never liked them handsome boys anyway. Mankind clearly needs to expand into other solar systems and galaxies to spread our Ugly Gene. Go monkeys!


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## Blystone

OrchestraInside said:


> Splendid. Never liked them handsome boys anyway. Mankind clearly needs to expand into other solar systems and galaxies to spread our Ugly Gene. Go monkeys!


Yes spread such fantastic Ugly Gene disorder to other planets to find uniqueness in all but all in one! now you are understanding as my own quote says "Believers will be UGLY and non believers will be dead"- U.gene


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## Bear987

Hello and welcome to the forum! I hope you'll feel right at home soon!


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## Dosto Yevsky

Thanks! I hope so, too


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## Im FiNe

Hi, OrchestraInside.

You may enjoy reading *The* *Pilgrim's Regress*, by C.S. Lewis. My favorite Dostoyevsky is *Crime and Punishment* followed by *The Idiot*.

You may enjoy the Critical Thinking and Philosophy section on Personality Café (PerC).


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## Dosto Yevsky

Thank you. Crime and Punishment is excellent indeed, and Lewis makes a few mildly interesting observations. I've been down to the Philosophy section, shared a few thoughts on transhumanism. I hope to find someone like me here, no luck so far


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## Xenograft

@OrchestraInside:

From Flowers for Algernon, I could not decide very easily between this one and a quote from Great Expectations (my second favourite novel).

“I don’t know what’s worse: to not know what you are and be happy, or to become what you’ve always wanted to be, and feel alone.”


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## Dosto Yevsky

Lazy Bear said:


> From Flowers for Algernon, I could not decide very easily between this one and a quote from Great Expectations (my second favourite novel).
> 
> “I don’t know what’s worse: to not know what you are and be happy, or to become what you’ve always wanted to be, and feel alone.”


Interesting.


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## Xenograft

That or, from Harlan Ellison's _I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream_:

“HATE. LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I'VE COME TO HATE YOU SINCE I BEGAN TO LIVE. THERE ARE 387.44 MILLION MILES OF PRINTED CIRCUITS IN WAFER THIN LAYERS THAT FILL MY COMPLEX. IF THE WORD HATE WAS ENGRAVED ON EACH NANOANGSTROM OF THOSE HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF MILES IT WOULD NOT EQUAL ONE ONE-BILLIONTH OF THE HATE I FEEL FOR HUMANS AT THIS MICRO-INSTANT FOR YOU. HATE. HATE.” 

That one will never leave my head, and I am quite partial to science fiction. My favourite authors are Huxley, Bradbury, Vonnegut, Asimov, Phillip K. Dick, and Dickens. I have odd tastes, I believe. I tend to like things that are surreal.


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## Dosto Yevsky

Odd indeed. I find hatred difficult to relate to, but all of those authors explore interesting themes. I like sci-fi myself, but am more partial to philosophy and existential, big picture themes - Dune, A Canticle for Leibowitz, The Mote in God's Eye, Childhood's End and so forth. Do you like Kafka?


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## Xenograft

Metamorphosis was quite the story, and I quite enjoyed reading it. I haven't read anything else by him, though. I stopped reading books a year ago, it's very hard for me to start them and I've been trying to find the time. Ironically I work in a giant (encompasses an entire city block), multi-story, bookstore for 10 hours a night with five other employees, so theoretically I should have all the time in the world to read.

You sure you're a 1w9? You sound like a 5w4.


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## Dosto Yevsky

Doesn't sound like you would have plenty of free time on your hands in such a big store. I have lots, and I do read a fair bit, but I had little time for reading for most of my twenties. I feel I should have read much more by now than I have.

I have moods... They come and go. My choice of 1w9 is primarily based on my need to improve, move forward, have clear goals and make an impact. This seems unusual for INFPs; although I also spend lots of time in my head, it's always with a goal, always seeking to improve and grow. I don't necessarily have lots of external ambition (it's something I'm working on), but it is more than amply supplemented by internal ambition. You?


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## Dosto Yevsky

It is possible I'm a 5.


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## Xenograft

My two main drives in life are to exact moral correctness on this broken and misshapen world that we live in, and to find love and true happiness. I get lost in my thoughts very often, and I toss and turn if I can't figure something out. I have and always will be a mediator, I will always speak up and step in to break up and resolve conflicts. I make it my duty in life to right the wrongs of the world, but I do not like Fe, which seeks to establish harmony between others. Equality? Sure. Harmony? Not as important. Understanding will not always result in harmony, and humans will always disagree with each other, but if we can understand then it does not matter, the right choices will be made and peace will be found. My internal moral compass, which has been developed and derived from what I consider important in life, is what guides me through my decisions and is what is most important to me. If I am bad, then there is no reason to live. I would absolutely hate being the bad guy, and I find compromising with others to be very easy. Sometimes I impose my will too strongly because I get too upset, but that is not often.

I do not like conflict, and often when I have to yell or use force to make others see the truth I get very upset and start crying. Once my mother called me and started yelling at me about something I considered to be trivial, and I had to yell louder than her, and in doing this I upset myself and started crying, so I had to hang up. I am somewhat unstable but I find it very easy to reduce others arguments and sides to something that the other party can understand. I am malleable in the face of conflict and I avoid using force at all cost. However if I must, I will. I know a lost cause when I see one, but I will exert immense amounts of energy to resolve things peacefully with others. While I am highly introspective and set on the world's hardships, I do not feel empathy for most people. I have a heavy amount of sympathy, but I find it hard to feel on behalf of others. I do not feel their emotions, but I feel something else, it's hard to explain.

I also am not religious, and I firmly believe in the scientific method and the idea of chaos on this world, but I also believe that things happen for a reason. It's hard to put into words, but basically: nothing happens for a reason, but everything does. Does that make sense to you?


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## Dosto Yevsky

Yes, it does. Sometimes I 'see' a highly simplified model in my mind's eye: an infinitely large pool table with an infinite number of balls bouncing off one another without ever losing velocity. If you could know the exact speed and position of every ball, you'd know precisely what would happen at any single point in space and time. Since we only glimpse the tiniest fractions of it all, it appears chaotic to us. Hence chaos, yet order. 

I am personally currently inclined to think that the illusion of free will evolves in certain balls (humans, who knows who else) in order to govern some advanced cognitive functions. Or, if a complex being such as a human saw itself as a rock hurtling through space with no means whatsoever to steer its course, it would be prone to malfunctioning (self-destructivity etc.). The subjective experience of free will and endless possibilities is a marvellous thing, yet true peace is that of a tree - happy to stand where it does, happy to grow the fruit it grows, with no desire to be anything else.

It seems to me that the maturing of every sensitive being (such as INFPs are) must include the realisation which Leonard Cohen describes as "there's a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in". The human world (for that is what we mean by 'world') isn't, in any objective sense, broken, misshapen or sick. It simply is. Like a rock hurtling through space. If there is pain and suffering, then they exist for the same reason that oxygen atoms and helium atoms exist: balls on the pool table of infinity have bounced off each other in that order. Or, as the Buddha put it, "this is because that is". It is neither good nor evil; that is a judgement made in the mind of the observer.

We cause ourselves much pain and suffering by refusing to accept the world as it is, with its cracks. If we can accept it as it is, we free up tremendous resources that can then be used to work towards our goals. Maybe some of those goals can involve reducing, or easing, the pain and suffering in the world. Not because they are evil; simply because that is your job. As Thich Nhat Hanh puts it, "my actions are my only true belongings"; and the Bhagavad-Gita adds, "you can never claim the fruits of your actions".

Of course, being human, I also have moments of misanthropy. I deeply dislike it when we hurt each other. This is something I wrote on that theme (goes to the tune of Cohen's "Democracy"):

I see a man who lost his job today,
I see him walking home, I see him pray.
I see him on the streets,
sleeping under filthy sheets,
I see he's angry at the god who failed.
I see the youngsters beat him
and I see us all walk by:
the kick, the punch, the screaming -
the curse of humankind.

Would it be wrong
to wanna see us burn?

The light burns bright and clear
with justice, joy and tears.
It's burning at both ends
and the message that it sends
is a purifying, penetrating fear:
"I am beta, I am psi,
I'm the root of David's tree;
the flame that gave you life
will bring your ashes back to me."

Would it be wrong
to wanna see it burn?

The fire burns bright in the eyes
of vermin, men and mice.
It rides a fiery horse
and it causes every cause
from Einstein to microscopic lice.
The man, the calf, the eagle
burn with equal fervency;
the strong, the wise, the feeble
race to meet their destiny.

Would it be wrong
to wanna see them burn?

Burn down, burn down
the weeds from which we grow!
May the greener be
the field of destiny
with the seeds of beauty sown.
Burn down, burn down, burn down, burn down!

Life is a double-edged bitch,
the fire makes her cognisance itch.
She burst from nebulae
to copulate with glee,
she gave the hairy simians a twitch.
Moloch was hers, and Birkenau,
the Trail of Tears, too;
the poppies blowing, row on row,
she brought about for you.

Would it be wrong
to wanna see her burn?

The T-Rex stands, looking at the dawn
burn bright and red, all hope forlorn.
He sees his mother Earth
embrace this promising new birth;
he knows his time has come for moving on.
He lifts his mighty lips to sing
his last halleluja-ah,
he sees this furry little thing
escape the Gomorra-ah.

Would it be wrong
to wanna see him burn?

Burn down, burn down
the weeds from which we grow!
May the greener be
the field of destiny
with the seeds of beauty sown.
Burn down, burn down, burn down, burn down!

At dusk, the light is red and warm;
we wait to see the night be born.
But dark is light asleep,
and joy is, when we weep,
more radiant than if we never mourn.
The horses race now neck and neck,
the whips are burning bright:
the justice of Melchizedek
is coming to its right.

Would it be wrong
to wanna see it burn?
(wanna see it burn)


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