# Is it possible for an INTP to re-love?



## HelloDarling (Apr 15, 2014)

I broke up with an INTP a couple of months ago. I can't really remember why now because I was really really wrong to break up with him. It felt right at the time, I guess. Anyways, he was my best friend. I decided 10 months into the relationship that we weren't working as a couple though and thought I didn't love him as a boyfriend. I didn't want to hurt him, so I broke up with him. He was really mad, which confused me because I figured we would just naturally transition back into best friendship. I was fine. He wasn't- he took it really badly. Now it's two months later, and we are best friends again. He has completely moved on and I have not. At all. I want to get back together with him but I don't know how to talk to him about it. Do I have a chance? What can I do?


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

HelloDarling said:


> I broke up with an INTP a couple of months ago. I can't really remember why now because I was really really wrong to break up with him. It felt right at the time, I guess. Anyways, he was my best friend. I decided 10 months into the relationship that we weren't working as a couple though and thought I didn't love him as a boyfriend. I didn't want to hurt him, so I broke up with him. He was really mad, which confused me because I figured we would just naturally transition back into best friendship. I was fine. He wasn't- he took it really badly. Now it's two months later, and we are best friends again. He has completely moved on and I have not. At all. I want to get back together with him but I don't know how to talk to him about it. Do I have a chance? What can I do?


I think you might want to chill for a bit. You can't turn back the clock. He may be trying very hard to show you just how well he's gotten over it. If you try again, you'll probably lose the friendship forever if it fails. Are you ready for that?


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## HelloDarling (Apr 15, 2014)

I definitely am not prepared to lose him in any capacity. But is it possible? Eventually? INTPs seem to stop loving pretty quickly and pretty permanently.


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## VIIZZY (Mar 22, 2014)

Out of all the relationships I've had there's only 1 person I consistently fall back in love with.....which is why I avoid the hell out of them. If I were in his position and returned to being friends with someone it'd be a clear sign that I've moved on and am not looking back.


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## spookyfornever (Jun 5, 2013)

HelloDarling said:


> I broke up with an INTP a couple of months ago. I can't really remember why now because I was really really wrong to break up with him. It felt right at the time, I guess. Anyways, he was my best friend. I decided 10 months into the relationship that we weren't working as a couple though and thought I didn't love him as a boyfriend. I didn't want to hurt him, so I broke up with him. He was really mad, which confused me because I figured we would just naturally transition back into best friendship. I was fine. He wasn't- he took it really badly. Now it's two months later, and we are best friends again. He has completely moved on and I have not. At all. I want to get back together with him but I don't know how to talk to him about it. Do I have a chance? What can I do?


AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!!!!!!! you mean he handed you his heart and soul, trusted you with absolute loyalty, and you shattered him like an eardrum at a screamo concert? And THEN, once he's (at least outwardly appearing to have) moved on, pulled his interior world back together, you want to insert coin and play again??!!
Now that I've said that, probably. If you're sincere, and you apologize like hell, he probably will take you back. We're suckers like that.

But for his sake, and for the love of god, satan, zues, and every other deity that may or may not exist, you'd better make DAMN sure that you're serious this time, and not just in a "hey, that was fun, think i'd like to do it again for a little while" mood. We are sensitive, especially to our friends and people we love.
Good Luck


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## Aya the Abysswalker (Mar 23, 2012)

An INTP? You simply don't get an INTP back to you after he handed you his trust and you decided to throw it out of the window for no reason.


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## pernoctator (May 1, 2012)

tanstaafl28 said:


> If you try again, you'll probably lose the friendship forever if it fails.


Not likely. INTP friendships are very resilient. You should have nothing to lose by talking about it, at least.




HelloDarling said:


> I can't really remember why now because I was really really wrong to break up with him. It felt right at the time, I guess.


Here is a theory of why he took it unusually badly: hastily made decisions particularly irritate us. He may not be able to sense that you think you were wrong, but it doesn't _matter_ if you were right or wrong so much. The fact that you don't have a clear reasoning for it is what pisses him off. Try and figure out exactly what you were thinking and why it was wrong, and explain it to him honestly.


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## HelloDarling (Apr 15, 2014)

Well.. Great. Now that all of you think I'm in middle school, I should probably explain a little better. I have serious commitment issues and was scared to let him get too close and he was pushing for far more physical intimacy than I was prepared for. I decided that I'd had enough one night but I've realized that even with all of that going on, I was still happier with him than I am without him.


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## HelloDarling (Apr 15, 2014)

Well he still trusts me with everything going on in his life. I'm his best friend and the only person he feels comfortable talking to about serious things. He seeks my advice and we talk every day. The trust is a good thing.. Right?


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## Seranova (Mar 1, 2013)

_You simply bring it up and see what he says. If he says yes or even considers the option, then you have a chance. If he says no, then you'll have to let it go and move on. At the very least you'll learn something out of all of that, and I would say that working on your commitment issues isn't a bad thing to do in the meantime._


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## spookyfornever (Jun 5, 2013)

HelloDarling said:


> Well.. Great. Now that all of you think I'm in middle school, I should probably explain a little better. I have serious commitment issues and was scared to let him get too close and he was pushing for far more physical intimacy than I was prepared for. I decided that I'd had enough one night but I've realized that even with all of that going on, I was still happier with him than I am without him.


INTPs do have a tendancy to be sort of.........sensitive. When we love, it's either all or nothing. all the levels in between get filtered out by logic, so that only the level "haha fuck you logical me, emotional me wins!" in which case we run on pretty much PURE emotion, something we aren't used to. and that, my dear, makes us a very dangerous creature indeed.


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## VIIZZY (Mar 22, 2014)

HelloDarling said:


> I have serious commitment issues and was scared to let him get too close and he was pushing for far more physical intimacy than I was prepared for. I decided that I'd had enough one night but I've realized that even with all of that going on, I was still happier with him than I am without him.


You should work on your commitment issues and self esteem issues if that's wrapped up in this as well. Are you happier with him or are you happier being in a relationship? 

I don't blame you for ending a relationship with a partner that wanted more physical intimacy than you were prepared for, if he was consistently pushy about the subject it'd be a bad sign. You have some things to work on or figure out for yourself so you should focus on that instead of a relationship 'cause chances are he'll still push for physical intimacy and you'll be repeating the same exact problems from the get go. 

If you decide to date him again before having work on these things let him up front that you need to work on that and need space for it.


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## pernoctator (May 1, 2012)

HelloDarling said:


> Well.. Great. Now that all of you think I'm in middle school, I should probably explain a little better. I have serious commitment issues and was scared to let him get too close and he was pushing for far more physical intimacy than I was prepared for. I decided that I'd had enough one night but I've realized that even with all of that going on, I was still happier with him than I am without him.


Okay, I agree with VIIZZY, it sounds like you want to be in a relationship more than you want him specifically. You definitely were not in the wrong for leaving if that's how he was acting. You probably should take more time to think about this.


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## HelloDarling (Apr 15, 2014)

It isn't that I want to be with someone, I want to be with HIM. I've tried dating again, but they just aren't him. 


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

pernoctator said:


> Not likely. INTP friendships are very resilient. You should have nothing to lose by talking about it, at least.



I'm all for it, I just don't want to get her hopes up. If they go for it a second time, and things don't work out, there's a greater chance it will be hard for them to be around one another. Admittedly, there's a pretty substantial age gap between the OP and myself. 



> Here is a theory of why he took it unusually badly: hastily made decisions particularly irritate us. He may not be able to sense that you think you were wrong, but it doesn't _matter_ if you were right or wrong so much. The fact that you don't have a clear reasoning for it is what pisses him off. Try and figure out exactly what you were thinking and why it was wrong, and explain it to him honestly.



We can theorize and speculate all we want. Bottom line is: she can't read his current emotional state to tell whether he'd be receptive to trying again, so she's afraid to try. If I'm not mistaken, INTPs are rather adept at internalizing their emotions and not displaying them (or ever talking about them again). He can pop right back into his "comfortable bubble," and act as if nothing has happened.


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## pernoctator (May 1, 2012)

tanstaafl28 said:


> I'm all for it, I just don't want to get her hopes up. If they go for it a second time, and things don't work out, there's a greater chance it will be hard for them to be around one another. Admittedly, there's a pretty substantial age gap between the OP and myself.


The thing is, you said _probably_, and I disagree that that outcome is probable with INTPs. It's fine that you don't want to get her hopes up, but I'm not a fan of using inaccurate information to discourage someone in the name of caution.




tanstaafl28 said:


> We can theorize and speculate all we want. Bottom line is: she can't read his current emotional state to tell whether he'd be receptive to trying again, so she's afraid to try. If I'm not mistaken, INTPs are rather adept at internalizing their emotions and not displaying them (or ever talking about them again). He can pop right back into his "comfortable bubble," and act as if nothing has happened.


You're not mistaken, but they're also adept at honesty and appreciate directness, hence why simply asking is preferable to passively trying to read their emotional state.


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## feeg1 (Feb 12, 2014)

Seriously, once we've lost that trust it's even harder to gain back then it was to get in the first place. So here are the plausible scenarios I see.
1. He's not really over you
2. He hasn't processed the information yet
3. He didn't truly love you
4. He was prepared and anticipated the breakup
5. He's not an INTP.


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## HelloDarling (Apr 15, 2014)

feeg1 said:


> View attachment 105906
> 
> Seriously, once we've lost that trust it's even harder to gain back then it was to get in the first place. So here are the plausible scenarios I see.
> 1. He's not really over you
> ...


He's definitely an INTP. And as far as love goes, I think he did. He said he did.. 
Do INTP's lie about that? He said he did. Recently. He said he loves me very much last week. Then he asked me to watch the Silver Linings Playbook with him because he says it's about us. And then this week when I vaguely approached the fact that I still have major feelings for him, he replied that he never loved me. I didn't think your type lied like that.


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## feeg1 (Feb 12, 2014)

HelloDarling said:


> He's definitely an INTP. And if he never truly loved me, which I think he did. He said he did.. Do INTP's lie about that? He said he did. Recently. He said he loves me very much. Than he asked me to watch the Silver Linings Playbook with him because he says it's about us. And then this week when I vaguely approached the fact that I still have major feelings for him, he replied that he never loved me. I didn't think your type lied like that.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I mean.... Feelings...they're confusing... He may think that he only thought he loved you... He may have purposely lied because he liked you and thought it was plausible. Or he could be in turmoil over the situation of if he ever did or if he may still.


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## HelloDarling (Apr 15, 2014)

Is it possible to remind him of his feelings and rekindle love or create it? 


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## 100333155 (Aug 3, 2011)

from my point of view, for us INTPs love is like a faucet, it won't shut off until you actually turn off the tap. so no matter the circumstance, if he loves you still, then taking your time with him will eventually lead to your desired conclusion. but if he doesn't anymore then no amount of rekindling will ever make it go back. i guess it requires a leap of faith because with INTPs you never know, we're so damn inscrutable sometimes.


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## HelloDarling (Apr 15, 2014)

It isn't possible to turn the faucet back on? How would I go about something like that? We still have intelligent philosophical stimulating conversations all the time because that's what we both crave and do best.


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## Aya the Abysswalker (Mar 23, 2012)

HelloDarling said:


> It isn't possible to turn the faucet back on? How would I go about something like that? We still have intelligent philosophical stimulating conversations all the time because that's what we both crave and do best.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I don't think so. My fiancée is an INTP they're no an easy type but I don't think you can gain them after you hurt them even if you love them very much.

My fiancée liked this girl before me who kept using him and giving him fake signs. She hurt him and he was very confused about it. When he first meet that girl kept saying crap about me and he only closer to see if the shit really stinks. The girl lied to him and tried get him back each and every time and he grew sick of her playing around with him and his feelings.
Once you damage an INTP there is no way back.


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## pernoctator (May 1, 2012)

Aya the Whaler said:


> I don't think so. My fiancée is an INTP they're no an easy type but I don't think you can gain them after you hurt them even if you love them very much.
> 
> My fiancée liked this girl before me who kept using him and giving him fake signs. She hurt him and he was very confused about it. When he first meet that girl kept saying crap about me and he only closer to see if the shit really stinks. The girl lied to him and tried get him back each and every time and he grew sick of her playing around with him and his feelings.
> Once you damage an INTP there is no way back.


public.wsu.edu/~brians/errors/fiance.html

Sorry, carry on.


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## VIIZZY (Mar 22, 2014)

HelloDarling said:


> It isn't possible to turn the faucet back on? How would I go about something like that? We still have intelligent philosophical stimulating conversations all the time because that's what we both crave and do best.


I'm going to say no, intps are very good at disengaging their emotions so it'd be near impossible to 'turn the faucet back on' unless it hadn't been entirely shut off. 

That said I don't go back with people who come across as toying with my emotions, when that happens I'm done and cut them out of my life without even a goodbye. The only time I went back with someone was with my first ex because I never actually loved him but I never went beyond friends with him and the feeler that I'm on and off again with.


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## HelloDarling (Apr 15, 2014)

I'm an INFP and this is all very confusing for me. Why? Why wouldn't he be able to love me again if he did? That makes very little sense by my way of thinking. Can someone explain that?


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## VIIZZY (Mar 22, 2014)

@HelloDarling 

Because we're all or nothing types; either we love you or we don't. The only reason I've been on and off with my feeler is because I've consistently been unable to fall out of love with her. With my other exes once we were through we were through; the feeling was gone. 

INTP's are said to be slow to fall in love and quick to fall out. We maintain a high level of autonomy in our relationships so we can easily go back to our prior lives.


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## HelloDarling (Apr 15, 2014)

So you can't give it all again?


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## VIIZZY (Mar 22, 2014)

@HelloDarling 

Personally, not really. If I've fallen out of love I have no reason to give it again.


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## HelloDarling (Apr 15, 2014)

Would it work to convince him that we make a good couple and that logically, we should be together?


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## VIIZZY (Mar 22, 2014)

@HelloDarling 

Depends. If he's like me he'll be aware that he does just fine on his own; any relationships I go into my partner has to contend with other perspective partners as well as my independence. If he decides that he's better off not being in a relationship then you'd have to convince him otherwise. Does he really need you as a romantic partner? If so in what way? 

Even still I fall into the stereotype of an intp who can talk themselves out of a relationship unless it's like the girl I mentioned before. 

In the end, my advice to you is this, approach him about it. You're on here trying to figure out whether or not you should but even if I know myself I don't know the guy himself and as much time as you spend on here looking at this topic and the other one you have in the INFP forum you'll never get an actual answer which seems to be what you want the most. 

The quickest way to get an answer is to talk to him, not faceless/nameless people in forums.


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## Aya the Abysswalker (Mar 23, 2012)

HelloDarling said:


> Would it work to convince him that we make a good couple and that logically, we should be together?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


You could try to talk to him which is the best thing to do, but I doubt he will come back.


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## HelloDarling (Apr 15, 2014)

@VIIZZY 
I only came in here because I wanted advice on a sensitive situation that I don't know how to handle alone. I find it easier to talk on here than I do IRL. Which is a problem, I know. Thank you so much for all of your help and I'm sorry I bothered you..


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## VIIZZY (Mar 22, 2014)

@HelloDarling

I'm not bothered by you and I understand wanting to talk things out but we've reached a point where we'd easily just be circling the same points over and over again which isn't very practical or helpful for you.

Edit: Essentially it's a kick out of the nest moment.


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## feeg1 (Feb 12, 2014)

@HelloDarlingIf you _really_want advice to to the INFP forum and ask them for help winning back your INTP.


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## VIIZZY (Mar 22, 2014)

feeg1 said:


> @HelloDarling If you _really_want advice to to the INFP forum and ask them for help winning back your INTP.


She has @feeg1 she had a multi-pronged approach to this.


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## HelloDarling (Apr 15, 2014)

I'm feeling a lot of judgment. I wasn't sure where to post this or even how this thing really worked. 


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## VIIZZY (Mar 22, 2014)

HelloDarling said:


> I'm feeling a lot of judgment. I wasn't sure where to post this or even how this thing really worked.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I'm not judging you; I think posting it in both was a perfectly reasonable thing to do to collect various inputs from others. Multi-pronged approach was meant in a complimentary way.


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## ChristynJ (Mar 27, 2014)

HelloDarling said:


> I broke up with an INTP a couple of months ago. I can't really remember why now because I was really really wrong to break up with him. It felt right at the time, I guess. Anyways, he was my best friend. I decided 10 months into the relationship that we weren't working as a couple though and thought I didn't love him as a boyfriend. I didn't want to hurt him, so I broke up with him. He was really mad, which confused me because I figured we would just naturally transition back into best friendship. I was fine. He wasn't- he took it really badly. Now it's two months later, and we are best friends again. He has completely moved on and I have not. At all. I want to get back together with him but I don't know how to talk to him about it. Do I have a chance? What can I do?


good luck with that, girl.


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## Aya the Abysswalker (Mar 23, 2012)

HelloDarling said:


> I'm feeling a lot of judgment. I wasn't sure where to post this or even how this thing really worked.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Nobody is judging you. I might sound harsh but that's how INTPs are.


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