# What to do when firmly saying "No" to being touched in any way doesn't work?



## lirica (Apr 14, 2010)

*What to do when firmly saying "No" to being touched in any way doesn't work?*

Hello. Long time no posts on this forum from me.

I have something that I'm really not sure how to deal with and I'd really like some insight on what to do in these kinds of situations. So any help is welcome.

The problem is my sister and her not being able to respect my personal boundaries. I guess this is nothing serious, but it is a problem because it gives me a lot of stress, especially at the times when I want to rest the most usually. It's just something I wish I really didn't have to deal with.

What happens is that there are times when my sister either intrudes my personal space by getting too close to me, touching me, putting her things on my bed, etc.; everything which she knows very well that annoys the hell out of me. And there have been many incidents of us being in bad relationship with each other because of this. She just doesn't know how to stop or not do these things, in fact, it seems that she's doing them right because I asked her not to and she knows that this is something I don't allow.

What I had to say first is that I really am not close to my sister. I don't like her at all. Just because we are forced to live in the same house and share a room doesn't mean she has the right to be all over me whenever she pleases.

A lot of times I let this slide by not reacting. I just sit and keep to myself because I don't want to be in even more stress by being in a "fight". I need peace and I need calmness in my life. But a lot of times it's unbearable and I just have to say something, which never ends well because she only gets worse.

This is one example: I'm lying in my bed trying to rest and I woke up from having a short nap. My sister comes in the room talking loudly and not caring that I might be sleeping. She's talking to me, of course. And she gets close to my bed and stands over me talking. I'm not making any reactions. I'm trying to keep being nice. Then she starts poking my sheets (and me) and tells me she'll "tuck me in". I tell her not to do it (again, she KNOWS very well that I hate this and will get mad if she does it) but she does it anyway. I move away letting her know very clearly that I want her to back away. Then she puts her hands on my bed even more and tries to tuck the blanket even more. At this point I'm pissed and tell her madly that she keeps her hands to herself and that I don't want her doing this. A clear "NO". And what does she do? She keeps "playing around" and touching my bed and me ALTHOUGH she knows that I'm very uncomfortable with this and will probably hit her. So she keeps laughing like a little kid and molesting me, for the lack of better word, to which I really, really don't know how to respond. After that she stops and then yells at me to clean the house. Like, wtf?

Know that my sister is four years older than me. She is 25. There is no civil way I could talk with her. A lot of time I wish she didn't exist. I really, really, really wish she wasn't my sister. We were never close, and she is constantly invading my privacy and crossing my boundaries in a lot of ways that I don't really have enough time to write about.

I guess the reason this is so bad for me is that I'm an incredibly private person and I don't like to be touched just by anyone who pleases. But what's worse is not being able to say "no" to someone, because it makes me feel like I don't have control over my own body. Next time she does it I'm afraid I might break her head against something. I just really don't know what to do. Sorry for the long post.

Any ideas? Should I just "chill out" and let her do whatever she wants? Do I hit her? Do I threaten to call the police? Do I call the police? Any solution I can think of sounds too funny and impossible, really.


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## Glenda Gnome Starr (May 12, 2011)

It sounds like an unpleasant way to live.
Who lives in the house besides you and your sister?
Parents?
Would they be willing to mediate some sort of solution to this problem?
If not parents, how about a therapist, for both of you, who could suggest coping methods for you and boundaries for your sister. It sounds like you need space and your sister doesn't understand boundaries.
I wish you the best and hope that you can find a good solution to this problem.


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## lirica (Apr 14, 2010)

^Thank you for your response. 

My parents and my brother live in the same house. Finding a place to be alone is pretty difficult seeing as it's not a big house.

I told my mom about this problem and she thought that I was weird for not letting my sister "show affection" and she wasn't understanding at all. She (my mom) seems to be very hurt by the idea that her children don't get along. She thinks we should love each other no matter what, and be there for each other for the rest of our lives, no matter what happens. This is simply not something I can accept, seeing as my sister almost means nothing to me. 

My brother and father think I'm weird because of this, too. To give you an idea how my family works, last year I was emotionally manipulated by my brother and mother into giving my bank account access to my brother (he needed it for something, but was too lazy to open his own). I didn't want this, because I knew I'd be missing some money after I give it to him. My mother was shocked about the fact that I didn't want to give him access, because after all, he is my brother. So in the end they made me cry and I had to give my brother what he wanted, and when my brother was done, I was missing money from my account.

We are all adult children, but moving out is not an option yet. Seeing as my both siblings are more than 3 years older than me, I really wish one of them would have moved out by now. In any case, it's probably me who should be thinking about that, but it won't happen in at least five years.

Therapist isn't really an option, and I doubt my sister would agree with that.

I'm just glad to hear that I'm probably not crazy. Is there any way I can make my sister understand boundaries and why they are important to me?

Again, thank you for responding.


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## Serak (Jul 26, 2012)

I can personally assure you that your objection to your sister's behavior, as described, is not unreasonable.

As for making your sister, and your family as a whole by extension, understand and respect your boundaries and need for privacy?

That won't be easy. I won't sugarcoat that. Given what you've described the most expedient solution would be to leave immediately. You've expressed that this isn't possible. But that's okay, there are other options.

First of all, are there other places you can go that provide privacy? I know absolutely nothing about you or your circumstances, so bear with me. For instance: A local hotel or bed and breakfast can cater to your need for a private night's rest and relaxation. Maybe read a book?

Next, many libraries offer private rooms you can schedule time in for total isolation. Bring a laptop, bring a book, bring homework, you name it and you'll be uninterrupted for the length of your rental.

As for working with your family, this is going to be difficult. Your family clearly has no issue breaking you down into tears to get what they want. It's probably subconscious, I doubt they're actively thinking "Let's make her cry her little eyes out until she gives in." However, they're still emotionally manipulating you (as some people are prone to). I doubt rational discussion on the matter is going to help. You're going to have to engage them on their terms, make them see the emotional side of things.

Your mother wants her children to get along? When one is making the other miserable they're creating what sounds like the biggest roadblock to that harmony.

Your father and mother want you to be more trusting of your family? Have they considered how this history and track record make you feel?

Should they prove entirely unconcerned with you or your ability to live in their house, we come back to getting out as a solution. Do you have friends you could split an apartment with? Charities or shelters in the area? Even a temporary leave--or starting a habit of leaving the house frequently using the methods described above--might get your message across on a more base level. Actions speak louder than words.


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## Aya the Abysswalker (Mar 23, 2012)

Hit her with a baseball bat. See if she finally learns.


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## lirica (Apr 14, 2010)

@Serak

Thank you so much for reading through my posts and replying with a detailed post. I appreciate your help.

I've had trouble with finding a place where I could have some privacy for the longest time. For a while I was in the living room with my parents because I could sit and put my laptop in a way no one could see what I'm doing. And that's something that's very important to me, too. But the problem with this solution was that both of my parents smoke heavily, so I stopped being there in order to take better care of my health.

What's very frustrating is being watched over all the time. I can't really relax or do anything while I'm in the room with my sister. I can't write, chat with anyone or have calls on Skype, watch videos, read stuff I want to read, listen to music on not so silent levels on my headphones, so on. It's not like this stuff is top secret or something that's inappropriate, but I simply am not comfortable with anyone knowing what exactly I'm doing/reading/writing/talking about and I need my privacy.

Sometimes I go out for walks to avoid my sister as much as I can. But there's nothing for me to do outside and I can't really do anything that helps me relax (being on my laptop and listening to music in privacy).

Paying for hotels or any other places that would grant privacy is too expensive for someone like me. I also don't have many friends, much less the ones who own an apartment they could share. If there was a way out, I'd take it a long time ago. But sadly, I just deal with it however I can and try to keep my sanity.

Your post really made me feel understood and helped me a lot in that way. Whoever I talk to, no one really seems to understand how I feel. So thank you.


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## StElmosDream (May 26, 2012)

Sounds a lot like my very unhealthy ESFJ Mother that still lacks awareness of privacy, personal space, differentiated personal needs and the notion of consequences or people actually needing to feel like their life is not one homogeneous mass of 'we-usness.'

Alas I have no advice to offer besides noting how humans can normalise anything just so long as it is not happening to them, even attributing social deficiencies and empathic awareness issues as 'a part of their personality' rather than unhealthy maladaptive ways that can come across as manipulative, self entitled, scheming, careless and abusive with bullying overtones.


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## Serak (Jul 26, 2012)

@lirica

I don't figure people come to the Advice Center expecting generic responses! I'm glad I was able to help some.

Tragically, I'm slightly more persistent than that. Even if nothing I suggested works in your situation, I'm still around if you want someone who will actually listen. I didn't honestly expect anything I said to come as some incredible revelation. You're a bright young lady, if the library or a hotel was an option I'm sure you'd have thought of it.

With all of that out of the way, you're not at all wrong for wanting that kind of privacy. I don't need someone peeking over my shoulder when I'm watching Star Trek and commenting on how hot Jolene Blalock is as T'Pol. I don't need them saying the music I happen to be listening to is weird. I don't need them peeking as I write something. It's not like I'm watching porn and want to hide it, I simply prefer not to have my computer activities be an open event with obligatory commentary.

Unlike you I had a family who understood that completely and felt the exact same way.

There are still other options, I imagine, but those would require more specific information about your area and life. I'm not exactly into the habit of prying into the specifics of the lives of people on the internet!


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## Goliath (Aug 28, 2014)

Is there a room in your residence with a lock on it? Problem solved.


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## PaladinX (Feb 20, 2013)

How to Deal With Difficult Relatives: 8 Steps


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## lirica (Apr 14, 2010)

Goliath said:


> Is there a room in your residence with a lock on it? Problem solved.


All rooms have locks on the door, of course, but the thing is that we are not allowed to use them. Everyone has the right to burst through the door anywhere they want and that's what everyone does (except for the bathroom, of course, but you can't stay there for hours).

@Serak

I'm happy to see that someone completely understand what I mean. It's really stressful when you have to hide everything you're doing because you are not comfortable with anyone else looking at it. At times I would have inspirations to write something but then wasn't able to because I could only write one sentence before my sister would look at my screen (and she'd especially look if she heard me typing). At times it really made me angry, too, but I couldn't really say anything.

I'm not sure much can be done, really, except for me waiting for one of my siblings to move out, or do it myself. I always tell myself that people live in worse situations and that I have to be grateful that my parents still let me live with them in the first place. What I really would like to know is why is no one in my family is understanding about this. I tried to explain them why I feel the way I do in the calmest and nicest way possible, but nothing gets to them.

I want to thank you again for your kindness and willingness to help. What I was afraid was that after the one reply my thread got, no one would answer. So your longer response to my thread made me happy (and it was indeed helpful).

@StElmosDream

Interestingly, I always thought my mom was ESFJ but I was never sure. I understand what you mean. Thank you for posting (it made me feel less alone).


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## StElmosDream (May 26, 2012)

lirica said:


> I'm not sure much can be done, really, except for me waiting for one of my siblings to move out, or do it myself. I always tell myself that people live in worse situations and that I have to be grateful that my parents still let me live with them in the first place. What I really would like to know is why is no one in my family is understanding about this. I tried to explain them why I feel the way I do in the calmest and nicest way possible, but nothing gets to them.


To be perfectly honest such things will (probably) never be fully understood by others stuck in their shared mindset of normalizing* with 'oh but this is typical [insert personality, generalizations, sibling stuff etc]' and people refusing to acknowledge pink Elephant in the room issues because this would mean responsibility and having to extend empathy to another's plight (some of this can be as unconsciously primitive as pack mentality, slowly building up tolerances to difficulties, favoritism, and herd mentality with people not wishing to be outed as weak or dissimilar to group opinions themselves).

*I won't share my stories outcome (not the right time or place) but I will say this: families, friends and known associates can collude in much worse things such as alienating, group level bullying and out-casting a perceived stronger party simply because they interfere with how a group interpret personal morals & values and seeks to illuminate faults within others previously ignored.


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## Serak (Jul 26, 2012)

@lirica

There are people that have it far worse than you, you're right. But that doesn't invalidate your own problems or struggles.

At the very least I hope you have someone close and important to you that you can talk to about things. That'd probably be more helpful than just some people on the internet!


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

My brother used to very frequently come into my room to bother me. I usually would tell him to get out multiple times. Sometimes I would just fight him out the door and chances our we would both get hurt. But then he leaves and doesn't come back. I can usually procure assistance from my parents to take care of that problem. If someone put stuff in the middle of my floor I would promptly move it out of my way. When brother puts his towels in my laundry basket and tells me to wash them. I wash them and throw them on his bed when I'm done, no reason to leave it in my room. My attitude would be to take things into my own hands which is not always a good idea if you don't want to have a fight but it works.


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## ForestPaix (Aug 30, 2014)

Getting a lock would be a good option. Perhaps slapping her would wake her up a bit, and she'll leave you alone. 
I have an annoying sister who likes to snoop around me sometimes when I'm in my room, when she knows my room is my private place. 
She always annoys me and bitches about little things that she just keeps going on about, and I just get fed up eventually, I used to hit her, but now I'm just sarcastic to her. Perhaps the only way for her to learn, since she's so physical, is to push her away physically.


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## Razare (Apr 21, 2009)

lirica said:


> Any ideas? Should I just "chill out" and let her do whatever she wants? Do I hit her? Do I threaten to call the police? Do I call the police? Any solution I can think of sounds too funny and impossible, really.


She just wants your attention, I hope you realize this. My younger sister would do the same thing to me. She would sneak into my room and destroy my lego projects at 3 and 4. When she got older she'd sneak into my room and put girly stickers on my stuff.

Now as an adult, I miss those times I could have enjoyed with my younger sister. I love her now, but she's an adult and soon to have a baby. You never get those younger years back. I'm just glad I hung out with her some as a teenager.


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## Swordsman of Mana (Jan 7, 2011)

@lirica
slap the shit out of them. seriously, I've slapped old men, even an old woman who wouldn't stop touching me. it gets the point across.


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