# Do you think shy people are hot?



## Dina (Feb 27, 2009)

Yes! I like shy guys most of the time. Like what Nightriser mentioned about arrogance, shy guys don't assume that they deserve my attention.


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## Kevinaswell (May 6, 2009)

I think shy people are crazy sexy.

Ditto on that "they don't expect my attention" thing. I always appreciate people so much more when they earn it.

But yea, I always go for the ones in the corner all "uhhhh."

Assuming I happen to be drunk at a party and annoyed at all the whores on the table.

I'm sure they're pissed I'm even there bugging them at first, but fuck, they'll get over it.


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## mcgooglian (Nov 12, 2008)

I don't expect attention at all, in fact I typically expect to fly under the radar yet I've been called cocky/smug and told not to be so overconfident.:tongue:


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## Stand Alone (Apr 25, 2009)

No, I don't. Timidity is definitely not attractive.


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## thehigher (Apr 20, 2009)

I think shy people are hot at first because i can identify with them and they arent so "aloof". But whats REALLY hot is an extrovert who controls their extrovertion to the point where they are like a.....super introvert (hint hint extroverts out there). So....you have this person who is alluring and mysterious like a shy person but.....intiating and exciting like an extrovert. Plus throw in awareness of feelings....theres a winning combination for me.


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## thehigher (Apr 20, 2009)

oh and be careful if your a intp and you like introverts.... you might end up being attracted to an infp or isfp's inferior function and vice versa


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## Dina (Feb 27, 2009)

One time I attended a party where the only person I knew was the social butterfly. As my outgoing friend began chatting with almost everyone in the house, I started talking to other so-called shy people. They were awesome - so mellow and down to earth! 

Meanwhile, my social butterfly friend expressed to me that he felt badly for leaving me at the party. To a super outgoing person like him, I seemed to lack confidence and needed babysitting at a social function. Confused with his pity, I told him I was fine and meant it.


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## man (May 1, 2009)

No, shy girls piss me off.


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## Dr. Metallic (Nov 15, 2008)

Nightriser said:


> I can like both and be annoyed with both. At some point, I get impatient with shy folks, and I can get irritated by social butterflies. However, I like that shy boys aren't cocky or arrogant, and I like that social butterflies can feel confident. I'm neutral in that preference.


I'm not cocky, but I am *arrogant.* :crazy:



Stand Alone said:


> No, I don't. Timidity is definitely not attractive.


I disagree that shyness implies timidity.


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## Alanna (Dec 15, 2008)

I think confidence is like, the feature that attracts me the most. So if shy means timid or scared of social interaction, then it is not attractive. If it just means an aversion to highly social situations, but being able to handle them, then it is pretty neutral, although I think I would prefer someone who likes social situations. I'm not too sure about that though.

Anyways, confidence is attractive. If you have that, shyness doesn't really matter.


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## mcgooglian (Nov 12, 2008)

I can definitely see shyness meaning either thing. For example my ENFP sister and I recently started kickboxing. We had a practice session with the Sensei and when he was talking about each of us at the end he said that she seemed really shy at the beginning. For her it was more of the timidity. He didn't seem to think I was shy at all, he described me as having a calm demeanor with a look in my eyes that said "It's go time," yet I've been called shy before because I don't talk to many people.


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## Roland Khan (May 10, 2009)

I like the quiet ones. Theyre a whole lot less likely to try to drag me to social events or interacting with a lot of people i may not like. And theyre not likely to really understand me and want to change things about me and once it gets to that point im just like 'um, you can leave now, i think we're done here, later and have a good life'


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## mcgooglian (Nov 12, 2008)

Roland787 said:


> I like the quiet ones. Theyre a whole lot less likely to try to drag me to social events or interacting with a lot of people i may not like. And theyre not likely to really understand me and want to change things about me and once it gets to that point im just like 'um, you can leave now, i think we're done here, later and have a good life'


I'm the same way. I'm pretty sure my one friend is an ESTP and we'd end up driving around town and we'd occasionally end up going to random parking lots where a lot of people were hanging out. I actually had some random guy approach me once because I was making people nervous since I wasn't talking to anyone. He still ended up taking me to these places though.


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## Happy (Oct 10, 2008)

Like I said, most guys like shy girls because they seem vulnerable. Most men are dominant in thinking so they go for the less dominant people.


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## mcgooglian (Nov 12, 2008)

I'm not big on shy girls because otherwise I'd never get to know her. I don't approach anyone I don't know so if she's shy, then we automatically have a problem.


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## decided (May 17, 2009)

I don't like gender-based generalisations about behaviour. There are too many people who act against type to divide into only two categories.

I do think, however, that there are gender-based expectations in society, which can cause some strife for those who won't be able to 'fit in'. In reality they're not alone, and there are people out there who will be able to connect with them.

Anyway, I personally find either shy or outgoing people hot. Too much of either is a turn-off for me I suppose. But it depends a lot on the rest of their personality - their intelligence, humour, social perspectives etc. I frequently find myself liking quite arrogant people - either shy or outgoing - but also this depends on the rest of their personality.


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## Stand Alone (Apr 25, 2009)

Hooded Knight said:


> I disagree that shyness implies timidity.


Shyness is essentially the definition of timidity. It's fear of people, fear of embarrassment, but above all else it's fear. I'm not attracted to weak people, quite the opposite.

Introversion is not the same thing as shyness.


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## Nightriser (Nov 8, 2008)

decided said:


> Anyway, I personally find either shy or outgoing people hot. Too much of either is a turn-off for me I suppose. But it depends a lot on the rest of their personality - their intelligence, humour, social perspectives etc. I frequently find myself liking quite arrogant people - either shy or outgoing - but also this depends on the rest of their personality.


I agree with all but the last sentence. The personality as a whole is to be considered as much as any one trait, and extremes of the shy/confident spectrum are equally undesirable to me.


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## vanWinchester (May 29, 2009)

thehigher said:


> Plus how does an introvert find a mate? Are they supposed to wait until an extrovert finds them? If I find a mate by extroverting.....then im not showing my introverted side haha.


That, my friend, is what the internet is for. *grin* 
Oh or alternatively friends that hook you up or stuff like work, school etc. 

Your options are to either wait for somebody to ask you out; or do it yourself. Yeah, I know it takes quite the guts, but how did somebody once tell me? "Sometimes you gotta just jump". 

As for your question of shy guys (or shy people) are a turn on: Sure. I have noticed that many shy people have very interesting traits. You know the saying "Still waters run deep"? Yes, that.


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## Kevinaswell (May 6, 2009)

Kevinaswell said:


> I think shy people are crazy sexy.
> 
> Ditto on that "they don't expect my attention" thing. I always appreciate people so much more when they earn it.
> 
> ...


I'm changing my response slightly.

I'm clarifying that I mean "quieter people" as opposed to "shy". Because I think genuinely "shy" people need to get over their anxieties, because I just can't deal with that. But quiet is a-okay


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## lirulin (Apr 16, 2010)

oh god shy extraverts, I forgot about them.
So annoying.
I'm always like "Why am I always the one doing the talking?? Why do I have to intercede between you and the public? You are the extravert, not me, I'm the introvert,_ I_ hate people, goddamnit something is wrong aarg." It feels much more unfair then a shy introvert - plus they avoid people and talking more so I don't feel as pushed to accomodate for their shyness.


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## NeoNeurotic (May 28, 2010)

My girlfriend is really shy, and an INFP, but I find her very attractive. I hate to use the word 'hot' because it makes me feel like i only view her in a sexual manner, while that it untrue. But to answer your question, yes, shyness can be quite hot.


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## bionic (Mar 29, 2010)

thehigher said:


> I always thought I wasn't attractive because I was introverted.
> 
> Plus how does an introvert find a mate? Are they supposed to wait until an extrovert finds them? If I find a mate by extroverting.....then im not showing my introverted side haha.


But you're ridiculously attractive....soooo....

I find myself attracted to more extroverted men because they have the balls to talk to me. But if I find a shy guy, I muster up alot of courage to got over to him and spark a conversation.


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## HannibalLecter (Apr 18, 2010)

It depends on the person's appearance, not on their level of introversion.


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## stareingharder (May 30, 2010)

Hell yes. I feel the same way about introvert women that I do about women with attitudes (which I love), it feels so good to get them to finally open up to you.


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## Angel1412kaitou (Mar 30, 2010)

Well, I tend to empathize with shy people. SO yeah, I guess so. And they are usually the most precious gems once you've known them for a long time. :3


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## Aßbiscuits (Oct 8, 2009)

*I fucking love shy girls and when they open up to me - they just melts me into mush :blushed:.*


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## Linesky (Dec 10, 2008)

There's also a thing called Shy Extroverts...
(Reply to people assuming shy people are automatically introverted.)


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## agokcen (Jan 3, 2010)

Shy people are frickin' sexy, especially introverted ones. You know...the kind of people who are all quiet, and then you get to know them and it turns out they're extremely intelligent, arrogant, funny, etc.

*melts*


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## Goodewitch (Mar 4, 2010)

Agreeing with Hannibal Lecter here, I do think personal appearance can be a big factor in wether as a shy person you're considered hot or not. Looks can override almost any aversion anyone has to a shy person, or an introvert especially. They really do make the extra effort, I've found.
When i decide to try and pt my best face on, i do get a lot more men approaching, and more will make valiant attempts to keep a convo going, so yes, its true that appearance does skew things.
I dunno, as a woman who is both extremely introverted and qite shy too, I find it a strange sort of thing .. in that people never really get any idea of who you really are, till they get you to open up to them.
I've found not many men actually like who i am underneath the shy and introverted exterior, it seems that sarcasm, cynicism, dark humour, standards and ideals and some spirit in you are really cool if you're an introverted guy, but definately NOT cool, if you're a woman.
Or maybe I really am just a biiotch..who knows,.. and they certainly can never tell until theyre past the shyness.
G. x


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## Promethea (Aug 24, 2009)

I agree with what Happy mentioned, about many males being dominant-minded, and seeking more submissive mates. I think that many times opposites attract, in that aspect. I am a more dominant sort of female though, and typically I do prefer someone who is not dominant, or there is a real clash of wills. That said, yes, I tend to be attracted to guys who are a bit shy.


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## CristianLuca (Mar 22, 2010)

About 3 years ago I noticed that my shyness or lack of it is a natural response to people. I'm very extroverted with people that I like being around that make me feel safe : I do jokes , I talk more than they do and generally I'm a very happy and cherful person, now I'm completly opposite with people that I feel that they are draining or not evolved enough, If I sense that they don't get at all what I am about ,even from the first glance, and most people aren't there yet, when I see a girl that I like, I immediatly check my feelings, and see how I change internally, If I light up than everything unfolds, the conversation , the jokes, the physical escalation, naturally and spontaneously, If I don't get a good vibe I close down really hard and I might seem shy or indiferent or even cold and cynic. I do trust my body than my mind and I generally know that any reaction is healthy and I try to understand what is it's purpose.


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## Female INFJ (Feb 27, 2010)

thehigher said:


> I always thought I wasn't attractive because I was introverted...





bionic said:


> But you're ridiculously attractive....soooo....
> 
> I find myself attracted to more extroverted men because they have the balls to talk to me. But if I find a shy guy, I muster up alot of courage to got over to him and spark a conversation.


i will second this *bionic *- i think* thehigher *is incredibly attractive! but i know this makes him blush, so i won't say much further on the topic, that and he is so young and sweet. i think also it is his inquisitiveness and open nature, and modestly. i think modesty is key too, to shy cute factor.

i am really like this, i like extroverted men, because they have the balls to approach - but i have found a lot of extroverted men are not as they seem. and a lot of shy guys have a lot of passion undercurrent they don't show outwardly. or like a "sweet" exterior, but they like to get down and dirty - like thehigher and his threads. 

i'm hoping that you'll have a moment to talk to me - i am interested in increasing my dominant side - so i'll pm you about this if that is ok. i like your posts, especially on women too, they are appealing to me. i just thought to mention, as i haven't got to communicate with you yet, which i hope that will change  i admire women who are confident in their dominance, i am getting there, but lots of resistance in me on that issue.



Goodewitch said:


> Agreeing with Hannibal Lecter here, I do think personal appearance can be a big factor in wether as a shy person you're considered hot or not. Looks can override almost any aversion anyone has to a shy person, or an introvert especially. They really do make the extra effort, I've found.
> When i decide to try and pt my best face on, i do get a lot more men approaching, and more will make valiant attempts to keep a convo going, so yes, its true that appearance does skew things.
> I dunno, as a woman who is both extremely introverted and qite shy too, I find it a strange sort of thing .. in that people never really get any idea of who you really are, till they get you to open up to them.
> I've found not many men actually like who i am underneath the shy and introverted exterior, it seems that sarcasm, cynicism, dark humour, standards and ideals and some spirit in you are really cool if you're an introverted guy, but definately NOT cool, if you're a woman.
> ...


*
Goodewitch *- maybe it is an INFJ thing? sometimes i get oddly shy, but regardless of what i am doing on the outside, i rarely reveal what is going on and who i am fully on the inside, unless i feel totally secure in a situation, or i want to get closer to a person. i can relate to this. i have to think more about what you and *Hannibal Lecter* are saying, i would like to imagine it is not so, however it is likely the case. what annoys me at times, there are threads about this too, where i have clashed with people, is guys who assume girls are "shy" and get all crazy over them, then get disappointed when the girl is not who they thought she was. i think this meaning of "shy" and definition is different in a man way, i think what they categorize as "shy" could be also behaviors they perceive, like maybe the girl that doesn't party, or a girl that wears cute clothes that are not too revealing, a girl that seems booky, who knows, but i think the use of the word is stupid. because just because a girl in a moment appears to be "shy" doesn't mean she is. 

maybe women see shy men differently? i can see shy when there is a guy that really says nothing, and looks uncomfortable in most situations, or a guy who latches onto a dominant girl like me sometimes, and whines about how they can't talk to people, or the girl of their dreams. but i always watch out for the quiet ones - some guys seems cool and unassuming, but when approached, they've got this fiery look in their eyes, and i know that is not someone "shy" but someone who just waits for an opportunity, and who is more predator like, kind of exciting to me. i don't think lots of guys are accustomed to using their intuition when seeking partners, other stuff gets in the way - I think what *ChristianLuca *says is really special, and odd i think for a guy. but there are no rules i guess, always exceptions. men should be more open to small details, and learn to enjoy peoples company regardless of appearance. or challenge themselves. but then i could be just talking to a wall, by saying this. i don't if anyone has heard me!

maybe this shy thing is like a superficial shell in some cases, and a person should delve a bit deeper to get to know another. but i think a lot of people want to stay in a mode where they are just appreciating the appearance of a person, and because the perceived "shy" person doesn't really say much, it is easier to get carried away with infatuation and assumptions about who they are, or can be. well i think that is ridiculous. For me, i try to survey my environment in places that i go to frequently, and well, if someone isn't talking much (may or may not be attractive) i just make a point to talk to them to see if they are o.k. and sometimes i'm surprised, some guys are just waiting to be talked to, or included in something, and i am so happy to share stuff with them, and a light sort of happens in their eyes. I'm not saying shyness is good, or isn't, but getting to know a person, is always important, maybe they seem hot at first, but have an ugliness about them. or someone who may not be as attractive, really needs company of someone who can bring them out a bit. hope some of this blurb makes sense! 



Promethea said:


> I agree with what Happy mentioned, about many males being dominant-minded, and seeking more submissive mates. I think that many times opposites attract, in that aspect. I am a more dominant sort of female though, and typically I do prefer someone who is not dominant, or there is a real clash of wills. That said, yes, I tend to be attracted to guys who are a bit shy.


 *
Promethea* - i like your personality a lot. i wanted to apologize in another thread you really called me out for being a bit superficial, which i had not intended to be, but you were right in that instance. now i've moved my more suggestive posts into the "sex and relationships forum" where they belong better. but there was a bit of a clash i felt too - i guess because i've realized that i have a dominant side also! and this is what initially drew me to shy men when i was younger, but now i still have the dominant side i think but i want a person who is also dominant, or maybe who has two sides. i think now i want to embrace my dominant side more too. 

but what i wanted to say, is that i have found the reverse a lot, there are a lot of men that want to be with a dominant woman, and i have found that shy guys may not be less dominant - they are just not showing it - i think this is coming out a lot with these INFPs on here, i was surprised to see how many of them, have this dominant thing going on. i have found that louder, extroverted guys, even the ones with the bad attitudes, which i get involved with sometimes, really behind the scenes, expect me to be the dominant person. so maybe it's something i give off also. 

so i would say to be a dominant female attracts a lot of guys, more than i thought initially in my life. i will try to communicate also with Bionic, because she mentioned she is kind of a dominant personality also, as i want to explore that side of me more. so i guess you seem pretty determined, do you ever fall into situations where you don't show your dominant side? or are you pretty straight forward with men? and again, i think dominant in real life, doesn't mean dominant in behind closed doors, most of the time i see the opposite, also, shy doesn't necessarily mean, less dominant, but then you may have had better luck at finding someone than i have, i don't know. but this is just my take on things that have happened to me.


CristianLuca said:


> About 3 years ago I noticed that my shyness or lack of it is a natural response to people. I'm very extroverted with people that I like being around that make me feel safe : I do jokes , I talk more than they do and generally I'm a very happy and cherful person, now I'm completly opposite with people that I feel that they are draining or not evolved enough, If I sense that they don't get at all what I am about ,even from the first glance, and most people aren't there yet, when I see a girl that I like, I immediatly check my feelings, and see how I change internally, If I light up than everything unfolds, the conversation , the jokes, the physical escalation, naturally and spontaneously, If I don't get a good vibe I close down really hard and I might seem shy or indiferent or even cold and cynic. I do trust my body than my mind and I generally know that any reaction is healthy and I try to understand what is it's purpose.


*
CristianLuca* - this is the second post i've read of yours, and the second time i am drawn and enthralled with what you have to say! how is it that you have this ability to connect and follow with what your inner feeling is when communicating with others? how is something developed in you, or in contrast as you say another person may not be evolved enough? so then if someone gets your "cold" side, they don't have a chance of getting to know you? maybe you have a better idea as to why i'm asking about this. i too have these capabilities, and act similarly, however when i get shyness, or resistance when trying to communicate with others, i really pay more attention to the people that repel me than draw me in, sometimes, maybe because i want to test myself more, should my feelings be wrong. but then is there a point to this? in most cases i haven't found them to be incorrect. anyhow, your posts are very deep. so would you in this case, be the shy person? or the person attracted to shy people? i don't think that is clear in your message - but i think you are saying you are flexible with either situation, based on the inner feeling you get toward others. which is really cool, i can relate to that. i find people can present all kinds of images on surface level, but the deeper one can sense their surroundings and others, they can then do what is better for them, in their lives, and not expend energy in places, or on people that are not right for them. i imagine this is due to some spiritual side of yours? i think you mentioned something once, but i now have forgotten what you said, but am fascinated by what you talk about, and the experience you have with others, and abilities. my only issue with this, is sometimes i can see so much potential in a relationship/ and or friendship, and a person for whatever reason "cuts me" an INFP did this to me recently, and he didn't get to know me, and was being too logical (i cannot be analyzed by logic!) but honestly, in reaction, if someone cuts me too soon, for whatever reason, i am not very forgiving with them, should they come around again. so with this type of inner feeling stuff, i think it is good to either be really good at it, or just also to double check your feelings with a person, before cutting them off and giving a cold shoulder. but maybe not in your case, from how i see you, i think your ability seems good for you. but this part of my message is maybe for people who rely on this type of intuition, and they are not good at it. i see that a lot. i always challenge my inner "feelings" towards people, but usually am right.


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## CristianLuca (Mar 22, 2010)

Female INFJ said:


> but i have found a lot of extroverted men are not as they seem. and a lot of shy guys have a lot of passion undercurrent they don't show outwardly. or like a "sweet" exterior, but they like to get down and dirty.


You nailed pretty well this one, the thing is that INFP wants to be magical, and wants to ravish just like other men and they "save" their energy, they find no reason to be that showing off when approaching or when they give someone signs of interest, they belive deep down that they are so deep that the other partner will feel their energy, so it's no point in showing too much, in their opinion they are already showing way too much most of the times. Plus there is a big fear that the other person will not reciprocate, which is devastating to any INFP for a vast period of his life. Shyness is just a shell, that with time it will go away into something more present, because what shyness is really is a fear , when someone is ready he peals off layers of this until all goes away. Shyness is when you are stuck in your head and worry about what's going to happen or if you being liked or not. Is an inward process of solving the exterior problem, the bad feeling associated with shyness arises because this is a "problem" that does not need an interior solving , but an exterior one. Most pealing of this shyness happens when you manage to pay less and less attention to the thoughts about what's happening , including your desiring thoughts which are deadly a lot of times, and pay more attention to what is really happening. I personally found that the more I try follow every thought and make active decision about what I have to say and do the more shyness I peal off. 
*There is one crucial and vital trait about INFP : for INFP everything is each time NEW, every time* , no exception, for an INFP the fascination for banal things is infinite he tries every time to find deeper meanings in everything, so an *INFP is basically always a virgin to the now moment*, he is forever opened and he always refusing the base of knowledge that others acquired or what he acquired about that object, *INFP forgets the boundaries of the object therefore he feels that he cannot grasp it and he feels that the object itself is larger than it is, he has a tremendous respect for that, so shyness is usually about investing your object with more meaning then it already has*, is about putting your object on a pedestal and therefore feeling overwhelmed by the object's significance. 
I do belive there's a healthy shyness, [*healthy shyness = bad shyness - self-degrading thoughts*]. And that's deadly when attracting partners, they are sucked into you.



Female INFJ said:



> maybe women see shy men differently?


*Yes they do. *

In the collective mind shyness is a healthy behavior for a girl, people judge boldy girls thinking they are slutty. Plus the society feels that the mystery is a lot more in women than in men, so shyness is a big part of a woman's depth of offerings, if she doesn't have that shyness a woman feels that on a lot of occasions she has to fake that shyness to get a man's interest, she has to be a good prize for a man and shyness adds difficulty, hence value to the woman.

In the collective mind shyness is viewed as impotent behavior for a man. Shyness is strictly related with his ability to fuck and push beyond women’s moods and bratty behavior. In the female collective mind a man that is shy is an impotent man , literally. Any woman wants to be sweeped off her feet, that means the man should be boldy enough to push beyond her retentions.


Female INFJ said:


> but i always watch out for the quiet ones - some guys seems cool and unassuming, but when approached, they've got this fiery look in their eyes, and i know that is not someone "shy" but someone who just waits for an opportunity, and who is more predator like, kind of exciting to me.


 This is so well said ! I got fiery eyes now when I read your comment ! You nailed me pretty quickly. I truly am a hunter in that sense. I always scout for women and there is not a bigger reason for me to go to social event, if I’m single , than the reason to scout for women, and lure them in into my devouring being. As my natural shyness goes I even try to play it with deep direct and fixed looks on the person that I interested in so it’s kind of impossible for them not to notice me. The problem is that I rarely find girls that can match my depth of visual penetration, they all fidget away and get so scared, the funny thing is that women expect men to be deep but not that deep ! when they meet my eye sight most of them intuitively know that I see them, I know them and they can’t bullshit me, the problem is that they also feel my intense focus on their bad traits, they feel I’m a huge feedback machine, it’s hard to explain this but it’s true. They feel that and they get overwhelmed by it and they don’t find inside them the balanced masculine counterpart to continue the dance, most of women do not have a balanced masculine counterpart so they bail on me, they prefer something much simpler which makes me so sad sometimes. And by the way I’m not that shy when it comes to my approaches, I’ve done plenty most of the pretty painful at that time, but now I don’t have trouble with it if she is the evolved enough. 
I love girls that approach or girls that “dance” with me. I never approach a girl that doesn’t meet me half way when it comes to looking into her eyes. 



Female INFJ said:


> maybe this shy thing is like a superficial shell in some cases, and a person should delve a bit deeper to get to know another. but i think a lot of people want to stay in a mode where they are just appreciating the appearance of a person, and because the perceived "shy" person doesn't really say much, it is easier to get carried away with infatuation and assumptions about who they are, or can be. well i think that is ridiculous. For me, i try to survey my environment in places that i go to frequently, and well, if someone isn't talking much (may or may not be attractive) i just make a point to talk to them to see if they are o.k. and sometimes i'm surprised, some guys are just waiting to be talked to, or included in something, and i am so happy to share stuff with them, and a light sort of happens in their eyes. I'm not saying shyness is good, or isn't, but getting to know a person, is always important, maybe they seem hot at first, but have an ugliness about them. or someone who may not be as attractive, really needs company of someone who can bring them out a bit. hope some of this blurb makes sense!


 I don’t judge people by their shyness but there are infinite ways of being shy. I can pretty much pick the negative ones.



Female INFJ said:


> but there was a bit of a clash i felt too - i guess because i've realized that i have a dominant side also! and this is what initially drew me to shy men when i was younger, but now i still have the dominant side i think but i want a person who is also dominant, or maybe who has two sides. i think now i want to embrace my dominant side more too.


 I went “omg” inside when I read the part about 2 sides. I was planning to write something about the 2 sides. I usually explain to people the 2 sides theory like this : “some people give vanilla all their lifes, some people give chocolate all their lives, and some people give both”. The ones that give both have a harder timer to balance themselves. The problem is that these people are very rare. They shift sides with the speed of light , you can see this into their eyes, their eyes are lively and penetrating no matter the gender, it’s like God is watching into their eyes, and you feel them as your equal in energy. People that give both will only be happy with partners that give both as well, but their dating life will be too full of one side givers, and they will often feel frustrated, why they date more the one siders ? because you can’t really balanced 2 things at once , you have to take it at a time, so when you are in that part of your life when you balanced your vanilla side your ill attract chocolate people, and when you are into your chocolate processes you will meet vanilla people. But deep down you always want the other one as well, it’s like a gay desire but on the opposite gender, I always felt that INFP-INFP paring are just gay couples who have not yet embraced their own contradictory unconscious and have not yet projected into others.



Female INFJ said:


> but what i wanted to say, is that i have found the reverse a lot, there are a lot of men that want to be with a dominant woman, and i have found that shy guys may not be less dominant - they are just not showing it - i think this is coming out a lot with these INFPs on here, i was surprised to see how many of them, have this dominant thing going on. i have found that louder, extroverted guys, even the ones with the bad attitudes, which i get involved with sometimes, really behind the scenes, expect me to be the dominant person. so maybe it's something i give off also.


 Very well observed. In psychology the Introverted is named the dominating type, the devouring type. As much as extroverts would love to think, I’m referring to ENTJ and ES*J , the introverted is the one that usually dominates, but in ways these types don’t even know. 



Female INFJ said:


> so i would say to be a dominant female attracts a lot of guys, more than i thought initially in my life. i will try to communicate also with Bionic, because she mentioned she is kind of a dominant personality also, as i want to explore that side of me more. so i guess you seem pretty determined, do you ever fall into situations where you don't show your dominant side? or are you pretty straight forward with men? and again, i think dominant in real life, doesn't mean dominant in behind closed doors, most of the time i see the opposite, also, shy doesn't necessarily mean, less dominant, but then you may have had better luck at finding someone than i have, i don't know. but this is just my take on things that have happened to me.


 Yeap shy doesn’t mean that are less dominant. I get often into volatile states and imbalanced states and states that might make me look vulnerable but as INFP I feel very dominant even when I’m crying, *It’s like I’m penetrating with my vulnerable states*.




Female INFJ said:


> *
> CristianLuca* - this is the second post i've read of yours, and the second time i am drawn and enthralled with what you have to say!


 Very much appreciated. 





Female INFJ said:


> how is it that you have this ability to connect and follow with what your inner feeling is when communicating with others?


 It’s an awareness that has been trained with years and a lot of suffering, there is no other way. It’s a driven desire to solve my conflicts and to understand and correlate between what people think do and say. Mind reading is actually correlating between what they say do and think.



Female INFJ said:


> how is something developed in you, or in contrast as you say another person may not be evolved enough?


 I pretty much pick the contrast right away, I also pick the resistence of the other , although I still do it and deep down I intuit a nonpleasant response will come, but sometimes things need to said. I feel that I need to do whatever it takes to push someone forward even if it’s a “rude” thing to do. I love contrast. I’m a man of extremes. I’m a lover-warrior and that shows in my way of doing things. The dichotomy inside me pushes me both sides in the same time, it’s a natural process, painful but natural.



Female INFJ said:


> so then if someone gets your "cold" side, they don't have a chance of getting to know you?
> maybe you have a better idea as to why i'm asking about this. i too have these capabilities, and act similarly, however when i get shyness, or resistance when trying to communicate with others, i really pay more attention to the people that repel me than draw me in,


 Pretty much, unless they understand the process I’m going through , which happens very rarely. I can give you a conclusive example. I was attracted to a girl (ENFP) and we started talking, the conversation was nice and flirty and funny, she was obviously interested, but when I told her : “let get together for a walk in the park and know each other” she went all defensive and “well I don’t know, a lot of people say things about you..”. At that point I immediately closed down, got really cold inside, angry and I told her : “the people you are referring to, those people talk shit behind your back, they disrespect you, did you know that ? and what’s up with your resistance when you gave me obvious signs you are interested and you want us to move forward ? Why are you faking your interested just to feel sexually validated, I thought you don’t use this status-quo female manipulating technique, I was wrong” She was startled , didn’t know what to say, she took it pretty personally. Later on I got mail from her inviting me to date. I told her nothing, I was still upset over her, but when we meet later on socially, she approached me and directly asked why I wasn’t answering her messages, we talked she apologized and we had a 4 month loving and growing relationship which ended due to splitting carrier paths. Anyway my point is that you have to cut people a lot of times, to deal with people’s bullshit. 



Female INFJ said:


> sometimes, maybe because i want to test myself more, should my feelings be wrong. but then is there a point to this? In most cases i haven't found them to be incorrect.


 My personal belief is that we feel people from the first sight. We intuitively get an archived version of them, at least I do, which with time I can decompress but that is usually an extrapolation of the initial content. It’s a feeling you get inside but you cannot put in words, every thing on earth is coded inside you as a feeling, feeling is a tool ( feeling as in intuition , not as in emotion). My intuition rarely gives me incorrect feelings. But nonetheless I pay attention to all, correct or incorrect, before , as it happens and after.



Female INFJ said:


> anyhow, your posts are very deep. so would you in this case, be the shy person? or the person attracted to shy people? i don't think that is clear in your message - but i think you are saying you are flexible with either situation, based on the inner feeling you get toward others.


 I’m not that attracted to the bad kind of shyness, that one that has a lot of fear around it, the one that has a dark nuance to it. But generally I’m mostly attracted to extroverted people which are not shy, although I’ve approached and dated several introverts.



Female INFJ said:


> which is really cool, i can relate to that. i find people can present all kinds of images on surface level, but the deeper one can sense their surroundings and others, they can then do what is better for them, in their lives, and not expend energy in places, or on people that are not right for them. i imagine this is due to some spiritual side of yours? i think you mentioned something once, but i now have forgotten what you said, but am fascinated by what you talk about, and the experience you have with others, and abilities. my only issue with this, is sometimes i can see so much potential in a relationship/ and or friendship, and a person for whatever reason "cuts me" an INFP did this to me recently, and he didn't get to know me, and was being too logical (i cannot be analyzed by logic!) but honestly, in reaction, if someone cuts me too soon, for whatever reason, i am not very forgiving with them, should they come around again. so with this type of inner feeling stuff, i think it is good to either be really good at it, or just also to double check your feelings with a person, before cutting them off and giving a cold shoulder. but maybe not in your case, from how i see you, i think your ability seems good for you. but this part of my message is maybe for people who rely on this type of intuition, and they are not good at it. i see that a lot. i always challenge my inner "feelings" towards people, but usually am right.


 My last girlfriend was INFJ and when I read your post I can see how your types resemble. I don’t think INFP is a good partner for you long-term. With my last gf, the sexual relationship was just awesome, I got an erection now while I'm thinking about it, INFP – INFJ suck into each other and no one of them has an enough cool head to go around and move things forward. I was so drawn into my one flavor INFJ girlfriend because I could sexually dominate her the way I wanted to, I could do whatever I wanted to do with her in bed and she loved it, actually she pretended that she did not want to , I guess that’s what nice about INFJ, they have a sexual resistance which is awesome to push beyond it, or maybe was just her ?

In the end I want to say that your response post is very well written, your coherince in ideas is awesome , I love your J !


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## Vaka (Feb 26, 2010)

lirulin said:


> oh god shy extraverts, I forgot about them.
> So annoying.
> I'm always like "Why am I always the one doing the talking?? Why do I have to intercede between you and the public? You are the extravert, not me, I'm the introvert,_ I_ hate people, goddamnit something is wrong aarg."


*I dunno...that seems like a problem. You have these expectations for people in their behavior. I think that's what's wrong with using MBTI in relationships, sometimes lol
* 


> It feels much more unfair then a shy introvert - plus they avoid people and talking more so I don't feel as pushed to accomodate for their shyness.


*I can't really find the logic in that, but maybe it's just because I can't think straight right now xD*

_But your post seemed slightly humorous in nature, so maybe I shouldn't have even responded in seriousness haha_


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## murderegina (Jan 7, 2010)

If I like someone, it's because I've gotten the chance to know them. Shy or not, I don't think it would be a factor. I think if any one who is shy is reading this and worried about not getting a mate, they shouldn't be concerned with such ideas. Why? Because the person you attract by being yourself is the person best suited for you. If being shy is who you are, and someone only gets along with you when you're forcing an outgoing front then are they really worth having? 

All the traits that compose who each of us are have their positive and negative sides, but when it comes to companionship and love, these people will accentuate the good. 

So are shy people are hot? Definitely! So long as they're being themselves. The most attractive thing in anyone is genuineness. When someone is comfortable with being themselves, it makes those around them feel comfortable too.


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## thehigher (Apr 20, 2009)

murderegina said:


> If I like someone, it's because I've gotten the chance to know them. Shy or not, I don't think it would be a factor. I think if any one who is shy is reading this and worried about not getting a mate, they shouldn't be concerned with such ideas. Why? Because the person you attract by being yourself is the person best suited for you. If being shy is who you are, and someone only gets along with you when you're forcing an outgoing front then are they really worth having?
> 
> All the traits that compose who each of us are have their positive and negative sides, but when it comes to companionship and love, these people will accentuate the good.
> 
> So are shy people are hot? Definitely! So long as they're being themselves. The most attractive thing in anyone is genuineness. When someone is comfortable with being themselves, it makes those around them feel comfortable too.


I'm getting tired of agreeing with you.


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## Blueguardian (Aug 22, 2009)

murderegina said:


> If I like someone, it's because I've gotten the chance to know them. Shy or not, I don't think it would be a factor. I think if any one who is shy is reading this and worried about not getting a mate, they shouldn't be concerned with such ideas. Why? Because the person you attract by being yourself is the person best suited for you. If being shy is who you are, and someone only gets along with you when you're forcing an outgoing front then are they really worth having?
> 
> All the traits that compose who each of us are have their positive and negative sides, but when it comes to companionship and love, these people will accentuate the good.
> 
> So are shy people are hot? Definitely! So long as they're being themselves. The most attractive thing in anyone is genuineness. When someone is comfortable with being themselves, it makes those around them feel comfortable too.


This post is perfection in my eyes. I couldn't have said it better myself. Thanks! roud:


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## Female INFJ (Feb 27, 2010)

CristianLuca said:


> ...
> *There is one crucial and vital trait about INFP : for INFP everything is each time NEW, every time* , no exception, for an INFP the fascination for banal things is infinite he tries every time to find deeper meanings in everything, so an *INFP is basically always a virgin to the now moment*, he is forever opened and he always refusing the base of knowledge that others acquired or what he acquired about that object...
> 
> I'm like this too in life...I think it is natural in me, not because of INFJ, but oddly because i'm August born, i have this trait of optimism, and childlike ways, also i never hold grudges, and i look at things new everyday. during a pessimistic phase in my life, i had to re-learn this, but this is a good way to be, especially for those that are seeking. i always burn with a deep desire for the "truth" and to get to the source of things - regardless of if it hurts me or not, i am not afraid to face stuff, well except for scary bugs! but what is interesting about this type of path, is each time i overcome one fear, or flaw in my personality there is a new and larger one, that is more deeply rooted, but this is life, a cycle not an A to B thing, in time it looks chronological, but as you discussed the layers, who knows how long that pain has been sitting there - actually i have an issue with shyness also, but maybe i'll write more when i am less tired and able to share it with you all better.
> ...


oh, i like your P if i can say that 
please don't get bent out of shape, i'm sure although i can be intense - you can read 'playful' in what i'm saying, within my message...hope you've had a nice weekend too.


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## WickedQueen (Jun 1, 2009)

No. I don't find shy people as attractive. I find calm and quiet yet confident guy as attractive.


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## suicidal_orange (May 6, 2010)

I've always avoided the relationships section on here as having no experience what could I possibly have to add to the discussion? Then I saw this thread on the main page and just had to have a read as I'd consider myself shy and wondered what people thought about it.



murderegina said:


> I think if any one who is shy is reading this and worried about not getting a mate, they shouldn't be concerned with such ideas. Why? Because the person you attract by being yourself is the person best suited for you. If being shy is who you are, and someone only gets along with you when you're forcing an outgoing front then are they really worth having?


This makes perfect sense to my logical mind yet as a shy introvert I can't help but have doubts, they don't come from my shyness as much as everything else. Starting with "is there any reason I should find a mate?" "What's the point when I'm happy single?" Only recently have I started to question this and I'm already 25.

I don't have lots of friends or go out doing often, so I don't meet lots of people. When I do it's always a game of observation rather than participation, or I concentrate so much on the participation I miss the point.

For example a couple of weeks back after an evening out with some work colleagues I somehow landed up talking with a random girl (I'll not try and type her beside suggesting E) who really seemed to appreciate me and did most the talking. I was talking with her for at least an hour which is longer than I've ever spent talking to any single person (as far as I remember) but when we moved to the next bar I lost her. I hadn't even noticed what she was wearing or how tall she was and hadn't thought to ask for her number - too caught up with thinking/analysing the conversation.

Another aspect of this is my backwards way of considering privacy. If I want someone to know about something I did I tell them, in as much detail as I'd like that person to know. If I'm telling someone lots about everything I do I'd expect them to open up and tell me things but they never do. I hate being "probed" for more detail so would never do it to anyone else. Which only enforces their opinions that I don't care what they've done which isn't the case at all! This affects friends as well as potential partners.


So when/how am I going to find anyone who can be interesting and appreciates a stubborn loner who appears to take no interest in anything they do? There are many people on here who seem likely candidates but that's because they are on here. They are people who like to think and discuss and help others whereas offline people act more selfish and offline I don't get time to think about the situation enough to act differently, which I don't really want to do anyway...

The game of life is a hard one, I'm just glad being single isn't a problem for me. 

Sorry for going offtopic too but I don't really have an opinion on the other side of it :mellow:


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## CristianLuca (Mar 22, 2010)

If you are dating someone or you are in a relationship with someone and occasionally your mind wishes they could have the balls to approach a certain guy/lady then yes ! shyness is an issue for you , if you like it or not. If you wish you could be more like some guy/girl you probably admire for having more success with the laddies/guys than yes shyness is a barrier between you and your better self. If shyness doesn't give you any trouble than don't worry about it.

Shyness is much more complex for men than it is for women, I'll probably write an in-depth article about it.


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## CristianLuca (Mar 22, 2010)

asmit127 said:


> The game of life is a hard one, I'm just glad being single isn't a problem for me.


I do believe it's a problem for you but you have a hard time admiting it, why were you in a bar with a girl , analyzing the conversation? because you want someone lovely near you , so what if you are too much into your stuff, you know how ENFP can be into your stuff aswel ? I'm telling you : A LOT. Get into this if you want it handled,there's plenty of material about women but men are usually too proud to learn from others how to handle women ,they think they already know , and yet they lack the confidence to approach a woman that they really like.


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## suicidal_orange (May 6, 2010)

CristianLuca said:


> I do believe it's a problem for you but you have a hard time admiting it, why were you in a bar with a girl , analyzing the conversation?


How did I land up in this situation for the first time in my life 7 years after being legal drinking age and having been out regularly throughout this time? I'm a member of a bowling team at work, after the match we went to town to commiserate another season of coming second (three years in a row! Maybe next year will be ours?). It was getting late and people were gradually leaving when an old guy comes over and says that a girl knows one of the team and wants to talk to him. My teamate disappears (seemingly in fear :crazy, followed by said girl - didn't see either of them again. For some reason the few of us who remained followed the old guy to his drink, which was with other young girls so we got chatting. No-one said bye but when I looked round my team were gone - just me and them. I wasn't consciously analysing the conversation, but how else can my lack of memory of someone I sat looking at for ages be explained? And no, I wasn't drunk - had work in the morning. The only possible explanation was I was engulfed in her eyes to the point of seeing nothing else, but doesn't seem likely.

Notice that I can talk to random girls if I want to, this isn't the first time, but I've never met one who I want to "keep" (for want of a better term). If it bothered me being single would I not do it more often till I wasn't? 



CristianLuca said:


> because you want someone lovely near you


I'd quite like someone capable of bouncing ideas off, but why should they be lovely? The nice people I know annoy me by being nice instead of honest, and get offended when I am honest. Guess I have a thing for "feelers"...



CristianLuca said:


> so what if you are too much into your stuff, you know how ENFP can be into your stuff aswel ? I'm telling you : A LOT.


Stuff? No idea what you're talking about, sorry.



CristianLuca said:


> there's plenty of material about women but men are usually too proud to learn from others how to handle women


Yeah great, read a book and act like someone women want to know... Exactly the opposite of what the rest of this thread suggests and more effort than I'd be willing to spend on a daily basis. If I found someone it should be because they like me for me, not because I read a book. Anyone can lie and have a fun night with a girl but (especially for an introvert) acting is draining.

Don't take any of this personally, it's just a stream of consciousness. After a couple of days reflection I might even agree with you :happy:


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## CristianLuca (Mar 22, 2010)

asmit127 said:


> Stuff? No idea what you're talking about, sorry.


You said that you were too much into your head not noticing important clues about her and I told you that there are lots of women that really like guys that are too much into their stuff, even if they are doing it way too much, deep down those women hope that they are the ones that will make you more present , and that they are the ones that will make you chose her over your stuff, occasionally, not totally.



asmit127 said:


> Yeah great, read a book and act like someone women want to know... Exactly the opposite of what the rest of this thread suggests and more effort than I'd be willing to spend on a daily basis. If I found someone it should be because they like me for me, not because I read a book. Anyone can lie and have a fun night with a girl but (especially for an introvert) acting is draining.
> 
> Don't take any of this personally, it's just a stream of consciousness. After a couple of days reflection I might even agree with you :happy:


No man , that was not what I was talking about, you don't learn about women in those books, you learn about yourself and what keeps you behind from not getting what you want. It's not about women, it never was about women when you first start wondering about women and relationships it's about a state of being, women are a awesome "side effect" of living a good life : *the way women treat you and your relationships with women is your relationship with the world*. You don't really want a woman deep down , you want to be that man that will be loved by a certain woman that you wish to have near you. The root desire of having a certain state around women is a desire independently of them about yourself.


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## mrkedi (Nov 19, 2009)

as much as the fact that shy guys are confusing, shyness is acutally a turn on for me (esp if i drive them nuts) :tongue: :wink:


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## suicidal_orange (May 6, 2010)

ChristianLuca said:


> You said that you were too much into your head not noticing important clues about her and I told you that there are lots of women that really like guys that are too much into their stuff, even if they are doing it way too much, deep down those women hope that they are the ones that will make you more present , and that they are the ones that will make you chose her over your stuff, occasionally, not totally.


Oh I see.. I took stuff to be physical, anything you can touch. My head is nothing and completely irrelevant to the world around me so that's not stuff! Not sure what I would call it though. Sounds like I really screwed up the other night as I must have found one of those women, and I did enjoy being with her. Nevermind, there will be more chances.



ChristianLuca said:


> No man , that was not what I was talking about, you don't learn about women in those books, you learn about yourself and what keeps you behind from not getting what you want.


I need the prequel to these books - how to work out what you want. I'm even tempted by the idea of hypnotherapy to discover what it could be as I really have no idea. I started a thread in the psychology section questioning if the root of my lack of direction in all aspects of life had to do with amnesia, but no-one replied. Maybe I shouldn't have mentioned the amnesia to make people more confident in having a valid opinion... If there's an edit button I will go and resurrect it in a minute.



ChristianLuca said:


> you want to be that man that will be loved by a certain woman that you wish to have near you


I am that man - I'm a great listener, have an opinion on everything but I'm not attached to it so it can be changed if the other persons is better, I'm totally reliable and always free (due to having such a dull life) and never happier than when helping someone. But does any of this come across when you see me sitting quietly in a corner, with a blank look on my face? Nope!


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## bionic (Mar 29, 2010)

Female INFJ said:


> i will second this *bionic *- i think* thehigher *is incredibly attractive! but i know this makes him blush, so i won't say much further on the topic, that and he is so young and sweet. i think also it is his inquisitiveness and open nature, and modestly. i think modesty is key too, to shy cute factor.
> 
> i am really like this, i like extroverted men, because they have the balls to approach - but i have found a lot of extroverted men are not as they seem. and a lot of shy guys have a lot of passion undercurrent they don't show outwardly. or like a "sweet" exterior, but they like to get down and dirty - like thehigher and his threads.
> 
> i'm hoping that you'll have a moment to talk to me - i am interested in increasing my dominant side - so i'll pm you about this if that is ok. i like your posts, especially on women too, they are appealing to me. i just thought to mention, as i haven't got to communicate with you yet, which i hope that will change  i admire women who are confident in their dominance, i am getting there, but lots of resistance in me on that issue.


Oh, but he surely does have a devilish side to him. I'm lucky I get to experience it. roud:

Yeah alot of extroverted men just talk for the sake of talking but usually its inticing to me. I like introverted boys too but they're harder to approach. I do much better when a man or woman who is interested approaches me. I don't know how to initiate anything and it takes a man to say "Wow you're beautiful" or "I'm really into you" for me to know they're interested. All my friends think I'm playing dumb or that I'm playing dumb to attract MORE men, but I'm not. I'm simply "ratard" to the signs. When I got out of high school, a lot of the boys messaged me on facebook telling me how much they had a crush on me. It pissed me off honestly, because: 1. none of them had the balls to let me know by word, 2. I had to find out once school was over, 3. I hate being told I'm hot or sexy by random guys. Being told I'm intelligent or hilarious means more to me.

I am not confident in my dominance. I am confident in myself. There is a difference. If a woman wants to take control, in the workforce, their sexuality, or what have you... they must learn to love themselves for who they are before they want to "dominate". When you accept your being, that is when true power arises. I do not like to talk about my time when I was a dominatrix. It was very physically and mentally draining. Its also incredibly private to me so I'd like to keep it that way. I will say... to increase "your dominance", you should look inside yourself and appreciate who you are. Being highly dominant, as I am, is not always a good thing. You put up a front to potential lovers and do not allow yourself to be opened up to the possibilities of love. This is something I continue to struggle with, even after my time as a domina. I cannot teach you confidence, that is something you must learn within yourself. Its a very long journey and excruciating one at that. You cannot control the unwilling. I've been with very dominant men and I've learned from the start that they cannot be dominated. I also never wanted to dominate them either. Relationships should be about compromise, not who controls it. Love never controls. So there is a major difference between a slave/master relationship and a romantic one.

I hope I explained it well enough for you to hopefully understand. If you want me to continue further or try to clarify things, feel free to PM. Anytime. Same goes for anyone else who may read this and have questions.


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## Female INFJ (Feb 27, 2010)

thehigher said:


> I always thought I wasn't attractive because I was introverted.
> 
> Plus how does an introvert find a mate? Are they supposed to wait until an extrovert finds them? If I find a mate by extroverting.....then im not showing my introverted side haha.


Thanks* thehigher*, I am getting so much healing just reading posts on this thread - i suppose in your own way, you've indirectly cause interaction playgrounds that are not only a place for discovely, but for healing. must be your good heart. definitely go into medicine or a field where you can help others, i'm sure you are smart enough, or consider sex-relationship therapy, thus you can think of sex 24/7 and get paid! - there! i made the decision for you : p i think you were inquiring in another thread.



CristianLuca said:


> ...Yeap shy doesn’t mean that are less dominant. I get often into volatile states and imbalanced states and states that might make me look vulnerable but as INFP I feel very dominant even when I’m crying, *It’s like I’m penetrating with my vulnerable states*.
> 
> It’s an awareness that has been trained with years and a lot of suffering, there is no other way. It’s a driven desire to solve my conflicts and to understand and correlate between what people think do and say. Mind reading is actually correlating between what they say do and think.
> 
> I pretty much pick the contrast right away, I also pick the resistence of the other , although I still do it and deep down I intuit a nonpleasant response will come, but sometimes things need to said. I feel that I need to do whatever it takes to push someone forward even if it’s a “rude” thing to do. I love contrast. I’m a man of extremes. I’m a lover-warrior and that shows in my way of doing things. The dichotomy inside me pushes me both sides in the same time, it’s a natural process, painful but natural.


 *CristianLuca* - what you have written about has affected me so deeply. you must have pretty good healing powers, so perhaps you are evolved as you say you are. or you speak with conviction in terms of truly breaking through your own suffering. your words feel like you are ripping my heart out from the inside. some of the things that you have said to me, i came to a revelation that it is not that people are not loving me the way i need to be loved, it is that i am not allowing anyone to love me, by not opening myself up, (because of my layers of insecurities, masked in shyness) i am only hurting myself and pushing people away, and my loneliness is no one else's fault but my own, when i wonder why there is no love in my life. *sigh* that hurt! but felt good. Thanks. I feel 'Starry Eyed' for this moment you hit me with lightning...now if i could only get INFPs to quit arguing - and start doing! hehehe



bionic said:


> ...I am not confident in my dominance. I am confident in myself. There is a difference. If a woman wants to take control, in the workforce, their sexuality, or what have you... they must learn to love themselves for who they are before they want to "dominate". When you accept your being, that is when true power arises. I do not like to talk about my time when I was a dominatrix. It was very physically and mentally draining. Its also incredibly private to me so I'd like to keep it that way. I will say... to increase "your dominance", you should look inside yourself and appreciate who you are. Being highly dominant, as I am, is not always a good thing. You put up a front to potential lovers and do not allow yourself to be opened up to the possibilities of love. This is something I continue to struggle with, even after my time as a domina. I cannot teach you confidence, that is something you must learn within yourself. Its a very long journey and excruciating one at that. You cannot control the unwilling. I've been with very dominant men and I've learned from the start that they cannot be dominated. I also never wanted to dominate them either. Relationships should be about compromise, not who controls it. Love never controls. So there is a major difference between a slave/master relationship and a romantic one.
> 
> I hope I explained it well enough for you to hopefully understand. If you want me to continue further or try to clarify things, feel free to PM. Anytime. Same goes for anyone else who may read this and have questions.


*bionic* - Thank you for these words, my sister. I'll certainly experiment, but with this awareness, you have prevented me from walking further down this direction, because I am fronting dominance as a way at times, to cover up my vulnerabilities and insecurities, because no man really cares to dig further i suppose once he's getting his - and the distance is safer for me to, so that i don't have to reveal myself. but this is ruining my ability to find Love - and what i want now is beyond these types of games i play, i want a romantic relationship too. I am grateful for what you have written, and i'm glad i knew to ask you, because I have learned what i needed to know. Thank you.


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## JoetheBull (Apr 29, 2010)

I find shy girls attractive. Even thought I am a bit shy myself and an Introvert I usually initiated conversations with a couple of shy girls in the past. 

That out of the way. Not all introverts are shy and not all extroverts are able to go up and talk to anybody. My friend who is an extrovert have a hard time initiating conversations with girls with out the use of alcohol. Finding a mate as a shy introvert is hard especially if there is no places outside the house or events that enjoy going to around your area. The best chance of finding and attracting people is usually to go hang out at places you enjoy, comfortable to be in, and comfortable with the people around you. For example. Nobody will be attracted to me at a bar because I am usually bored out of my mind, feeling completely out of place, and annoyed by conversation most drunk people are having. 

also want to add I am not sure on how shy I am. I am usually quiet around new people and don't always talk a lot. I can initiate conversations with only certain people. I have no idea why. Some people I warm up to quicker then others.


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