# NTs and Attachment Style



## Marshmallow Moo (Sep 19, 2011)

So I've noticed that most NTs seem to hold to the idea that relationships and friendships are okay but not as important as intellectual pursuits. I was wondering if this had any correlation between your attachment style. For those people who are not psychologists out there, let me digress: 



Wikipedia said:


> *Secure attachment*
> Securely attached people tend to agree with the following statements: "It is relatively easy for me to become emotionally close to others. I am comfortable depending on others and having others depend on me. I don't worry about being alone or having others not accept me." This style of attachment usually results from a history of warm and responsive interactions with relationship partners. Securely attached people tend to have positive views of themselves and their partners. They also tend to have positive views of their relationships. Often they report greater satisfaction and adjustment in their relationships than people with other attachment styles. Securely attached people feel comfortable both with intimacy and with independence. Many seek to balance intimacy and independence in their relationship.
> 
> *Anxious–preoccupied attachment*
> ...


Personally, I struggle with fearful-avoidant attachment. I assume this isn't rare for NTs and especially INTPs. Will you help me with my hypothesis? State your Type and attachment style in your post and vote in the poll. Thanks!


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## goodgracesbadinfluence (Feb 28, 2011)

I relate to all of the above. I'm not really sure what my attachment style is.


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## Entr0py (Oct 20, 2010)

Mine would be dissmisive-avoidant. People have a hard time understanding it.


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## L (Aug 12, 2011)

I must sadly admit I am the latter, fearful-avoidant, however not to the extent of believing myself to be unworthy, however I do wonder what people would say if they knew the true weird INTP me.


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## AkiKaza (Jun 1, 2010)

I'm a mix of the last three, but anxious-preoccupied and fearful-avoidant tie for first place. Not sure which, thought it was anxious-preoccupied, but after reading fearful-avoidant that one fit a bit more, so that's the one I picked. Dismissive-avoidant might come next. I am not anywhere near a secure attachment. Ever.


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## foobar (Sep 22, 2011)

Mostly dismissive-avoidant, with a bit of fearful.


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## Popinjay (Sep 19, 2011)

Marshmallow Moo said:


> So I've noticed that most NTs seem to hold to the idea that relationships and friendships are okay but not as important as intellectual pursuits. I was wondering if this had any correlation between your attachment style. For those people who are not psychologists out there, let me digress:
> 
> 
> 
> Personally, I struggle with fearful-avoidant attachment. I assume this isn't rare for NTs and especially INTPs. Will you help me with my hypothesis? State your Type and attachment style in your post and vote in the poll. Thanks!


Fearful-Avoidant


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## Jennywocky (Aug 7, 2009)

I'm kind of a recovering fearful-avoidant. I badly want the relationships and intimacy, but at the same time I (1) refuse to be dependent on others, both for their sake and mine and (2) I'm scared of finding myself trapped/hemmed in, and (3) I don't totally know whether I can trust someone else that deeply.

In regards to #3, I manage to engage pretty deeply but I find that there are things I still don't do... like I sometimes mute my hopes and/or don't ask for things so that I won't be disappointed or demanding, or I don't really let myself be human when I'm hurting, I just function "maturely" without truly being honest about how bad I'm hurting. Because i don't trust that they'll like me afterwards or want to be with me. It's hard for me to ask someone to do something for me that I know I can somehow manage to do for myself, because at least with me I know I'm going to do it but I'm not sure they'll pull through for me.

So I'm aware of all those dynamics as they occur, but they still do exist to some degree.


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## L (Aug 12, 2011)

Jennywocky said:


> I'm kind of a recovering fearful-avoidant. I badly want the relationships and intimacy, but at the same time I (1) refuse to be dependent on others, both for their sake and mine and (2) I'm scared of finding myself trapped/hemmed in, and (3) I don't totally know whether I can trust someone else that deeply.
> 
> In regards to #3, I manage to engage pretty deeply but I find that there are things I still don't do... like I sometimes mute my hopes and/or don't ask for things so that I won't be disappointed or demanding, or I don't really let myself be human when I'm hurting, I just function "maturely" without truly being honest about how bad I'm hurting. Because i don't trust that they'll like me afterwards or want to be with me. It's hard for me to ask someone to do something for me that I know I can somehow manage to do for myself, because at least with me I know I'm going to do it but I'm not sure they'll pull through for me.
> 
> So I'm aware of all those dynamics as they occur, but they still do exist to some degree.


I wish I could thank this twice...I couldn't have said it better myself. Well....except for the recovering part, gosta be in a relationship or had a relationship for that to happen.


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## TPlume (Aug 27, 2011)

fearful avoidant I think.


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## wiarumas (Aug 27, 2010)

I'm a mix of dismissive and fearful.

I desire secure, low maintenance relationships so I can be confident about the stability of the relationship I have at home.


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## Chrysantheist (Jul 1, 2011)

INTP - I voted dismissive-avoidant but I can also be secure attachment.


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## Jacinto (Jul 18, 2010)

Secure Attachment. However, I am VERY picky with who I get emotionally involved with. But when I decide I like someone, there isn't much holding back, and I can quickly become really close to that person.


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## Persephone (Nov 14, 2009)

Dismissive-avoidant or fearful-avoidant. Yes. I just admitted that :/


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## redmanXNTP (May 17, 2011)

Secure. I tend to form bonds relatively readily and relationships that are longer rather than shorter in time span. I might even do that too readily. I've actually surprised myself of late with my willingness to trust my girlfriend given that my ex cheated on me. 

I think these categories depend upon your particular partner(s) in part though I suppose you can answer in terms of tendencies and patterns, and also may vary over time as you evolve as a person. In short, I'm not sure how useful this is.


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## Marshmallow Moo (Sep 19, 2011)

redmanXNTP said:


> I think these categories depend upon your particular partner(s) in part though I suppose you can answer in terms of tendencies and patterns, and also may vary over time as you evolve as a person. In short, I'm not sure how useful this is.


Attachment styles tend to evolve during infancy and/or early childhood, so they are not prone to change once a person enters adulthood. (That's not to say they _can't_ be changed, just that it's incredibly difficult to.) Attachment styles apply to all relationships, including friends and family. If you feel ambiguous about who you are close to, you probably have secure attachment as this ambiguousness is common for introverts. If you, however, feel uncomfortable and vulnerable expressing emotions and thoughts to your immediate family members and close friends, you are likely to have one of the insecure attachment styles. Keep in mind that the descriptions I posted are tiny, spoon-fed descriptions of the actual condition and are not all-encompassing.


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## Popinjay (Sep 19, 2011)

Marshmallow Moo said:


> Attachment styles tend to evolve during infancy and/or early childhood, so they are not prone to change once a person enters adulthood. (That's not to say they _can't_ be changed, just that it's incredibly difficult to.) Attachment styles apply to all relationships, including friends and family. If you feel ambiguous about who you are close to, you probably have secure attachment as this ambiguousness is common for introverts. If you, however, feel uncomfortable and vulnerable expressing emotions and thoughts to your immediate family members and close friends, you are likely to have one of the insecure attachment styles. Keep in mind that the descriptions I posted are tiny, spoon-fed descriptions of the actual condition and are not all-encompassing.


This is accurate for me...that it persists for years. I have no close friends nor do I want any, but it's not because I have no desire to be close to/emotionally intimate with someone.

It's because I don't trust people. I've been burned enough times by people I've trusted...by people to whom I've unwisely given full access to my Fi...to the dirty little secrets like the fact that I tear up at the end of an occasional tasteful romance movie (e.g. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind) I watch by myself in the dark late at night with a bottle of Merlot (also embarassing) or the fact that I own the Lady Gaga best-of CD and love it...and sing along with it in my car on the freeway (with my tenor voice in the same range...also embarassing...LOL).

By not being close to anyone, I am in complete control of people who can damage my Fi (and so derail me/deathspiral me into severe depression). It's similar to Avoidant Personality Disorder.

I have zero paranoia. I don't distrust people at all apart from my "F'ing" intimate (*F*emale/*F*riend/*F*amily) relationships. For anyone else, their opinion is completely irrelevant to me, so they can't harm me...well, not emotionally anyway.

I suspect this is the case for many INTJs...though I'm probably one of few who would admit it...well, admit it on an anonymous forum.


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## Persephone (Nov 14, 2009)

Many people think I'm very open about myself- even by normal standards. I have no trouble sharing how I feel about something and haring embarrassing stories is not an issue for me. However, what _is_ an issue is sharing my Fi with others, and that is something I have summarily refused to do (even to my parents. The few times I did were slip ups- I cannot trust them, least of all my mother, to treat it right) to the extent that I don't know whether I'm capable of revealing it to anyone anymore. 

I would never admit when I feel lonely, afraid or vulnerable (to someone, or in love). I might be comfortable telling people _afterwards_, but long after these emotions are irrelevant ("haha. I was SO obsessed with him").


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## TPlume (Aug 27, 2011)

Marshmallow Moo said:


> Attachment styles tend to evolve during infancy and/or early childhood, so they are not prone to change once a person enters adulthood. (That's not to say they _can't_ be changed, just that it's incredibly difficult to.) Attachment styles apply to all relationships, including friends and family. If you feel ambiguous about who you are close to, you probably have secure attachment as this ambiguousness is common for introverts. If you, however, feel uncomfortable and vulnerable expressing emotions and thoughts to your immediate family members and close friends, you are likely to have one of the insecure attachment styles. Keep in mind that the descriptions I posted are tiny, spoon-fed descriptions of the actual condition and are not all-encompassing.


I voted 'fearful-avoidant'.. but if attachment styled are developed in childhood I should be securely attached



> Children who are securely attached generally become visibly upset when their caregivers leave, and are happy when their parents return. When frightened, these children will seek comfort from the parent or caregiver. Contact initiated by a parent is readily accepted by securely attached children and they greet the return of a parent with positive behavior. While these children can be comforted to some extent by other people in the absence of a parent or caregiver, they clearly prefer parents to strangers.
> 
> Parents of securely attached children tend to play more with their children. Additionally, these parents react more quickly to their children's needs and are generally more responsive to their children than the parents of insecurely attached children. Studies have shown that securely attached children are more empathetic during later stages of childhood. These children are also described as less disruptive, less aggressive, and more mature than children with ambivalent or avoidant attachment styles.


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## Marshmallow Moo (Sep 19, 2011)

TPlume said:


> I voted 'fearful-avoidant'.. but if attachment styled are developed in childhood I should be securely attached


Not necessarily. Many people have skewed memories of how they were treated as children, and many more have skewed memories of how they acted and felt. For instance, I thought I was securely attached at first, but when I spoke to my parents about my childhood, they described a horrible picture of something I had rosy memories of. Maybe it was repression, who knows. Anyway, memories can be deceiving. And even if it didn't evolve as an infant, it is possible for you to change attachment styles during early adolescence too.


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## error (Feb 10, 2011)

I know one thing for sure, I can be very avoidant. I am prone to some internal thoughts and feelings that might fit the anxious preoccupied description, but I do not have many friends and I do keep them at a distant, or keep myself secluded. And it's not that I don't trust others, I just don't know how to make friendships or deal with the upkeep of the friendships that I have. I don't want to impose myself. As a man I find it especially difficult to have a friendship with a woman, because than I can never bring myself to say, "Hey, let's hang out." Because I seem to think that they'll take that to mean something else. And I don't want to come off as a creepy stalker, and I'm afraid that so much as acknowledging them would make me come off as such.

And with guys, well... it's a little bit easier because I have to worry about coming off as a creeper a bit less. But it's still possible that I might!

I guess Fearful Avoidant, but not because I distrust other people... but because I'm pretty sure people just wouldn't enjoy my company. Awkward silence is better than awkward conversations.


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## Beyond_B (Feb 2, 2011)

L_Lawliet said:


> I must sadly admit I am the latter, fearful-avoidant, however not to the extent of believing myself to be unworthy, however I do wonder what people would say if they knew the true weird INTP me.


Same here, what would know my unknown "weird" traits.


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## Paradox of Vigor (Jul 7, 2010)

Fearful avoidant mostly. I have no rationale for this response.


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## SPtheGhost (Apr 26, 2010)

whichever one is least attached ...im that one


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## OhReally (Nov 28, 2010)

Anxious-preoccupied shamefully. Which is ironic since feeling shame about it would match that attachment type.


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## TPlume (Aug 27, 2011)

Marshmallow Moo said:


> Not necessarily. Many people have skewed memories of how they were treated as children, and many more have skewed memories of how they acted and felt. For instance, I thought I was securely attached at first, but when I spoke to my parents about my childhood, they described a horrible picture of something I had rosy memories of. Maybe it was repression, who knows. Anyway, memories can be deceiving. And even if it didn't evolve as an infant, it is possible for you to change attachment styles during early adolescence too.


Noper... I never rely completely on my own memories when it comes to childhood. It's partially based on what I've heard about me from parents, relatives et al.

I chose fearful-avoidant for two reasons: one, I generally don't like showing my emotions (it's a learned behaviour) esp to people I'm close to. And I have a preference to solving my problems by myself (learned behaviour again).


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