# How do you cope when ...



## EbonyTigger (Apr 13, 2012)

How do you cope when you've got so much destructive emotional energy you're struggling to get rid of it and you try to use it to help others but everyone rejects you and rejects your help?


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## Doll (Sep 6, 2012)

If it's destructive, how do you use it to help others?

Maybe you could volunteer at a crisis hotline or lurk around self-help forums (even this one). There are plenty of people out there who want advice and help.


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## EbonyTigger (Apr 13, 2012)

It's destructive towards myself I meant - sorry for not making that clear


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## AtlasShrugging (May 13, 2012)

I focus on what I can control. Hah! That's the one thing I learned from al-anon meetings

I go to the gym and lift weights. Or I'll go thru Starbucks drive thru and pay for the Persons coffee behind me. It makes me happy, and maybe makes that person happy too.


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## yet another intj (Feb 10, 2013)

midnightstar said:


> It's destructive towards myself I meant - sorry for not making that clear


It is still a huge dilemma. You can't help others if you are feeling something that potentially destructive towards yourself. It sounds very ironic just like "nuclear energy for peaceful purposes". Is it possible? Meh, you can convince some people for sure but others not going to buy it.


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## Fleetfoot (May 9, 2011)

Usually I ignore it. If I can't ignore it, I shut myself away from the world until I forget. Probably not the best way to deal with an issue, but it works for me.


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## funcoolname (Sep 17, 2011)

Stop trying to help other people when you're in a bad place, especially if it's putting you in a worse place in the short and long term. Figure out what's up with you and what you can do about it to get yourself to a more positive place. Exercise, make new and more positive friends.


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## Up and Away (Mar 5, 2011)

Sublimation


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## yankeemofo (Feb 14, 2013)

Unless you're the type of person who gives great advice that you are unable to follow, I'd work on self first, others second.


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## abrayto (Feb 20, 2013)

What kind of self destructive thoughts are you having? There are many forms of maladaptive thinking that can put you in a bad place. I for one fall victim to the black or white thinking (i.e. things will always be this bad) or I try to mind read which is my real enemy. I always tend to think people's thoughts about who I am are judgemental and malicious. I feel like they look down on me and pity me because I am inferior. Would you believe I used to have low self-esteem lol?

Anyway, you have to take a look at the way you view yourself. I realized that I don't think horribly about most people so why should they have that view of me when I always try to be nice. If you can identify the "bad" thoughts and try to rewrite them in your head you will be happier.

Also you could try a thought journal. When you are feeling upset you should 1) identify the situation 2) recognize the emotions you are feeling and rank them on a scale from 1-100 3) try and recognize why this is a maladaptive thought (i.e. mind reading) 4) Try and come up with a more rational response 5) re-evaluate your feelings.

For example, when I ran into my ex boyfriend about a month ago, he was with his new girlfriend and I was pretty distraught. If I were to use a thought journal I would do the following: 
1)The situation: Seeing my Ex with a new girlfriend
2) I was angry, depressed, and anxious (score 85)
3) I kept thinking that he turned into prince charming for her because she was better than me. I also thought I would be forever alone because there was something inherently wrong with me. (Bad thoughts!)
4) This is pretty black and white thinking or at least an overgeneralization with a touch of mind reading
5) I realized I had no idea what their relationship was like. He wasn't good to me and he didn't change personalities over night and suddenly become a kinder person. I also had to realize that everyone has insecurities and issues. I'm not alone in that and it doesn't make me less of a person for it.

I hope this makes sense and isn't too intense for you. I also hope it helps!


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## EbonyTigger (Apr 13, 2012)

Basically I get thoughts like I have to harm myself, I'm evil worthless etc etc and my brain goes round and round dragging stuff up and torturing me


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## abrayto (Feb 20, 2013)

First of all you are neither evil nor worthless. This type of cyclical thinking is very destructive and is an overgeneralization. Everyone does bad things and everyone does good things. Just because you make a mistake doesn't mean you are a bad person. 

It looks like you are an INFP like me (YAY!) and just by knowing that I bet there are lots of good things about you. When I feel down on myself it helps to think about things I've done well or things I'm grateful for and (this is important) I allow myself credit for them. I don't rationalize away my accomplishments and I don't try to minimalize them. I used to do that but you've gotta let go a little bit and give yourself credit for a job well done.

Also as an INFP I bet you are pretty good with empathy and emotions. I bet you like to help people. I can understand that if someone doesn't want your help that that can be pretty discouraging but don't let that stop you. Its a wonderful thing to want to help people. I wish more people in my life were motivated to do that sometimes. People may see you as weak because you feel things and because you are willing to compromise for others BUT don't believe it for a second! Those people may think that being desensitive is equal to being strong but without those who feel for others the world wouldn't be a good place. Everyone would be selfish, robots. Doesn't that sound awful!?! I know its hard when you don't feel appreciated by others but even if they don't realize it at the time, one day they may be grateful that someone like you was in their life.


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## Razare (Apr 21, 2009)

midnightstar said:


> How do you cope when you've got so much destructive emotional energy you're struggling to get rid of it and you try to use it to help others but everyone rejects you and rejects your help?


So destructive emotional energy isn't loving energy, people sense it and reject it. So your emotion is probably caused by something you're unwilling to resolve, and the destructive outgoing response to try and resolve it, is just ignoring the need to fix it in yourself.

Like if a person is in a lot of pain, and they go out and murder people to try and fix it, but that really doesn't fix it of course. That's the analogy of what it sounds like you're trying to do... even if what you're trying to do is "positive" ... if the activity isn't performed from a genuine state of love, it's not going to be loving. It's still going to be an attempt at a good deed, but it just wont past muster with the universe and most other people.

Might you share where this emotional distress comes from?


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## Razare (Apr 21, 2009)

midnightstar said:


> Basically I get thoughts like I have to harm myself, I'm evil worthless etc etc and my brain goes round and round dragging stuff up and torturing me


A) Shut your brain up. You don't require a rattling mind, thought happens perfectly fine without it. Try it sometime, just let your mind go quite and ignore any voices in your head. You're here breathing and you can do things just fine without the negative cycles.

B) No person is evil. Locked within each person is the ability to love unconditionally. The reason people do evil things is because of past injuries, that and, they're too scared to accept how wonderful they really are.

What helps me is to combat fears with love and courage.


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## Aesc (Dec 30, 2012)

abrayto said:


> What kind of self destructive thoughts are you having? There are many forms of maladaptive thinking that can put you in a bad place. I for one fall victim to the black or white thinking (i.e. things will always be this bad) or I try to mind read which is my real enemy. I always tend to think people's thoughts about who I am are judgemental and malicious. I feel like they look down on me and pity me because I am inferior. Would you believe I used to have low self-esteem lol?
> 
> Anyway, you have to take a look at the way you view yourself. I realized that I don't think horribly about most people so why should they have that view of me when I always try to be nice. If you can identify the "bad" thoughts and try to rewrite them in your head you will be happier.
> 
> ...


This is random and sorry for commenting at something that wasn't aimed at me -hides- but i wanted to thank you for this (i'm also infp but a very negative one ),i should probably learn to think more this way and try that journal thing as i have caused so much harm with my depressive destructive ways specially towards my intp friend and i feel so utterly broken and guilty for everything i have caused (i guess i have trouble understanding the thinker types D: ) and well i'm tired of being this and hurting others so i really thank you for this ,it gives me a bit of hope ! 

and @midnightstar i feel the same way but we really do need to help ourself in order to help others (i know it hurts to know you can't help anyone right now </3 but trust me if you can get out this way of thinking and into a more positive one then helping others should be easier ) i have left it too long and lost a friend because of it .So please please get help for yourself ,this emotional state really isn't healthy .I wish you all the best and sorry i could not give much advice or help. -infp hug-


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## Death Persuades (Feb 17, 2012)

You can vent/release that energy with me via PM, if you think that would help. I've been having a bit of confusion lately so I could use some help as well.


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## EbonyTigger (Apr 13, 2012)

There's been loads of crap going on - last year the ex decided to piss off with another woman (when we were a matter of months away from getting married and we were arranging the wedding) which caused me to have to rehome my darling cat then my stepdad got arrested, brother got taken into care, Mum ended up in hospital, I survived a suicide attempt (which no one IRL knows about) and I started self harm, managed to stop for a few months then took a steep emotional dive and went back to it


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## HandiAce (Nov 27, 2009)

midnightstar said:


> Basically I get thoughts like I have to harm myself, I'm evil worthless etc etc and my brain goes round and round dragging stuff up and torturing me


Put yourself inside a car or a place where people can't hear you and SCREAM out, at the top of your lungs, ALL of the negative thoughts you have in mind. Yell the word "HATE" as much as you want and YELL about how your life has made you feel worthless. Try it, you might feel better.


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## abrayto (Feb 20, 2013)

midnightstar said:


> There's been loads of crap going on - last year the ex decided to piss off with another woman (when we were a matter of months away from getting married and we were arranging the wedding) which caused me to have to rehome my darling cat then my stepdad got arrested, brother got taken into care, Mum ended up in hospital, I survived a suicide attempt (which no one IRL knows about) and I started self harm, managed to stop for a few months then took a steep emotional dive and went back to it


It does sound like you've had a very very rough year and I'm sorry to hear that. I know its scary but if you truly feel like you are struggling and are sick and tired of it you could always try counseling. It really worked for me. It would also help the self harming. Its been a really a while since I've felt that way but I know its a pretty dark place to be. Just remember that there are people who love you and would hate for anything bad to happen to you. You may feel alone but you are most definitely not!

Also, as mentioned before, you could try sitting in your car and screaming or punching a pillow. It sometimes feels great to get all that negative energy out but don't let yourself fall into a deeper spot by doing that. You deserve more than that and remember that all emotions are valid, even the bad ones. So let yourself feel them and then let them go.


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## EbonyTigger (Apr 13, 2012)

abrayto said:


> It does sound like you've had a very very rough year and I'm sorry to hear that. I know its scary but if you truly feel like you are struggling and are sick and tired of it you could always try counseling. It really worked for me. It would also help the self harming. Its been a really a while since I've felt that way but I know its a pretty dark place to be. Just remember that there are people who love you and would hate for anything bad to happen to you. You may feel alone but you are most definitely not!
> 
> Also, as mentioned before, you could try sitting in your car and screaming or punching a pillow. It sometimes feels great to get all that negative energy out but don't let yourself fall into a deeper spot by doing that. You deserve more than that and remember that all emotions are valid, even the bad ones. So let yourself feel them and then let them go.


I tried counselling but tbh I didn't get on very well with the counsellor because I feel he judged me and one session he actually called me selfish and lectured me about suicide because I admitted to being suicidal. I ended up basically lying to him just so I could get discharged. Unfortunately he's the only counsellor in the area and he wanted to get rid of me as soon as he could.


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