# Can't shake off PTSD rage.



## Kestrel (Jun 22, 2011)

I'll start by saying I have no idea what I'm hoping to accomplish by writing this. I don't visit any other psychology-related forums. I feel like some people here almost know me. No one knows my identity here. This just seems like a place I can do this.

I suffered severe abuse as a child and was at some point diagnosed with PTSD. I hated the diagnosis to begin with, because I hated myself, and the thought of my problems being compared to those of someone who'd experienced war made me feel worse. I stopped seeing my therapist over it, but eventually came to terms with it after being ear-witness to a neighbour's incident of domestic violence and finding myself barely able to function for weeks because of it. My immediate response to it was to freeze up. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I was crying. I felt tiny and insignificant again. After getting a friend to calm me down over the phone, I eventually pulled myself together and called the police. That was a few years ago. These days I just try to manage my situation, and I think I do pretty well.

Fast-forward to the present. I found out my oldest sister, with whom I used to be fairly close and who suffered similar abuse to me (somewhat lesser but still abuse), has been abusing her own children. I got over the rage I felt towards my own abuser, but finding this new continuation of the cycle has left me with a boiling rage that I just can't shake off. I can't think. I can't work. I can't talk to people who are close to me. I walk down the street and find myself glaring at every single person I see. Hearing noises makes me clench my fists. Then I get home and just want to beat the shit out of a wall and out of myself.

I'd like to clarify that I'm not typically an angry person. A friend of mine once joked that if I were any more zen than I already am, I'd turn into my cat. I don't let little things bother me at all. I took a couple online tests for anger management issues, and I don't seem to have that problem at all. This is a long-term, bottled-up rage off of a specific, lingering trigger, but I feel like it's ruining my ability to focus on anything beyond it. I watch funny YouTube videos, I laugh, and then it's still just there.

I really don't know what I'm hoping for. Advice? Can someone relate, even if you don't have PTSD or are otherwise healthy? Has anyone else experienced this kind of long-term rage that has nothing to do with general irritability? Would do you do? What should I do? (In regards to the anger, please, not my sister - I'm still working out what I can/should do about that.)


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## Word Dispenser (May 18, 2012)

Kestrel said:


> I'll start by saying I have no idea what I'm hoping to accomplish by writing this. I don't visit any other psychology-related forums. I feel like some people here almost know me. No one knows my identity here. This just seems like a place I can do this.
> 
> I suffered severe abuse as a child and was at some point diagnosed with PTSD. I hated the diagnosis to begin with, because I hated myself, and the thought of my problems being compared to those of someone who'd experienced war made me feel worse. I stopped seeing my therapist over it, but eventually came to terms with it after being ear-witness to a neighbour's incident of domestic violence and finding myself barely able to function for weeks because of it. My immediate response to it was to freeze up. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I was crying. I felt like tiny and insignificant again. After getting a friend to calm me down over the phone, I eventually pulled myself together and called the police. That was a few years ago. These days I just try to manage my situation, and I think I do pretty well.
> 
> ...


Hum... Anger is an issue I relate well with, but only in that I have difficulty expressing it healthfully, and/or sticking up for myself. I see it as an emotion that is needless, and so I find myself dealing with it by not allowing it to affect my actions. 

So, it will be expressed in sadness, or other ways. My psychologist professor back in college had the same problem, and she said this is something one should _not _do. That one _should _get angry when one is angry.

It is clear that you are not yet ready to confront your sister.

Ahem.. One sec.. Summoning up.... Ne-eeeEEEEEEeee Power!

I might ordinarily suggest a vacation-- Traveling to another country, getting a completely different environment in order to think and process this information, as well as obtaining new information that could be connected. 

But, maybe what you _need _is to actually _get angry_. To be able to communicate this rage through words. Maybe not to your sister, or to a therapist. Maybe to someone else who is somehow directly involved with the situation?

Does it make you feel helpless? If so, maybe you should volunteer at a place where physical abuse is an issue-- Maybe you need to feel you can make a difference, and in doing so, you can come to terms. 

Maybe you should invest in a punching bag? Or join a martial arts club ? 

There are many ways to deal with your situation. 

But, any of this may be inferior to actually confronting your sister and asking her questions. And maybe even getting angry.


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## Arjan (Jul 31, 2013)

I was diagnosed with PTSD as well, for similar reasons. The current method of treatment is desensitizing, which seems to work fine. I only recently realised I needed therapy because of my uncontrollable outbursts of unexplicably rage, so I can't really tell you how this works out for people like you and me (fellow INTP), but so far the therapy called EMDR seems to actually affect my way of treating traumatic experiences. 
Getting Angry just for the sake of it, as suggested above, seems to be counter productive. Coming to realize that you are no longer the molested child is more of a quiet and oddly 'feely' process.


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## Shale (Jan 17, 2012)

What you have to remember, is regardless of what happened to you ... you have choices. You may not think this is true, and it very well might not be easy for you right now, but you DO have choices. When I don't like the way something is making me feel, I find my center or "happy place." Some may call this meditation. It gets me through the actual explosion of emotion in that instant, and then once it has passed I can reflect on it, digest it or move on. One way you can help yourself by getting through your anger, is by finding a way to turn it into a positive outlet. People live their life taming their demons, so to speak. This is why you see a recovered alcoholic as a substance abuse counselor, or why you see those who were physically abused in an area where they are helping others in that situation. 

You have a great understanding of yourself, and you can't change what you don't acknowledge. What happened to you will always be a part of how you have been shaped into the person you are today. Do you do anything for yourself that makes you feel good? Or do you do anything that takes your mind off of "life"?

As far as your sister is concerned, the sad thing here is that she is doing the best she can with the role modeling she received as a child. Of course the rest of us think she can do better, but she was never "taught" how to be a parent properly. I hope you have contacted the authorities on her.


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## FlightsOfFancy (Dec 30, 2012)

Kestrel said:


> I'll start by saying I have no idea what I'm hoping to accomplish by writing this. I don't visit any other psychology-related forums. I feel like some people here almost know me. No one knows my identity here. This just seems like a place I can do this.
> 
> I suffered severe abuse as a child and was at some point diagnosed with PTSD. I hated the diagnosis to begin with, because I hated myself, and the thought of my problems being compared to those of someone who'd experienced war made me feel worse. I stopped seeing my therapist over it, but eventually came to terms with it after being ear-witness to a neighbour's incident of domestic violence and finding myself barely able to function for weeks because of it. My immediate response to it was to freeze up. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I was crying. I felt tiny and insignificant again. After getting a friend to calm me down over the phone, I eventually pulled myself together and called the police. That was a few years ago. These days I just try to manage my situation, and I think I do pretty well.
> 
> ...


I don't have PTSD, but I do have BPD, which does cause a lot of internal anger similar to what you've stated. I've even thought of some quite gruesome ways of offing myself. (BTW, as long as homicidal/suicidal thoughts are not forefronts of your psyche, they're okay. Everyone gets indescribably angry at times).

What has helped is to try to bridge the mind and emotion. This is actually something that's taught in DBT, but I found myself kind of doing it without explicit DBT (but it's probably better with). 

Try to give yourself time to think about something as well as feel it. I hate this at the moment because it hurts so much to think about what hurts, but it gives you clarity afterwards.

For example, my therapist had commented on how much better and how fast I've changed to being more level-headed about 2 years ago. If it weren't for her saying it, I would have not thought this to be the case because of how dejected I can become when trying to "bridge". 

I think emotional scars are quite similar to physical ones; they hurt, then they itch and annoy you, then they finally heal. Unfortunately, unlike physical scars that can be isolated and protected, your psyche will always be open to new information, so the process may retrograde a few times prior to healing.


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## heaveninawildflower (Feb 5, 2012)

Kestrel said:


> I really don't know what I'm hoping for. Advice? Can someone relate, even if you don't have PTSD or are otherwise healthy? Has anyone else experienced this kind of long-term rage that has nothing to do with general irritability? Would do you do? What should I do? (In regards to the anger, please, not my sister - I'm still working out what I can/should do about that.)


Have you thought about contacting a support group for abuse survivors? 

And the situation with your sister....contact the local authorities if you know the children are being abused. The children need to be protected.


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## Promethea (Aug 24, 2009)

I read that its not uncommon for women abused as children to develop ptsd from it. 

I haven't spoken of my own personal story a lot here since people like duck_of_death used it to make fun of me on another forum, but I am in the same boat. I had to remove my post where I talked about it because of him and a few others, but whatever - it wasn't a unique story. I was abused as a child and have ptsd. Typical case.

Well, so what has helped me:
- Putting distance between me, and the source - emotional _and physical_ distance. I moved out of the whole region.
- I was finally able to forgive. I read something today about how forgiveness isn't pardoning what someone did to you, but letting go to protect your own heart. And yeah, thats pretty much how I look at it. I couldn't hold onto it any longer. Hurt, defective people will hurt other people and try to create defects. They're just sick. I don't have to hold onto some rage and hope for revenge someday. I want to feel light and happy.
- Time. It does fade with time. I used to become hot and tingly with rage hearing anyone put dishes away in the kitchen for example. Now its only a minor discomfort. I just made a new association overtime that its not threatening to me. The mind does that, learns new associations over time.
- Anger management exercises in self-control. I don't beat the fuck out of people anymore. I punch doors instead. ; )

Take care of yourself. You are recovering. You can look up things on adrenal fatigue and how to take care of yourself, because I guarantee anyone who suffers from ptsd has the physical symptoms of adrenal fatigue. You're not weak for forgiving, for moving on, away, or for taking _all the time you need_ to take care of yourself - you're just recovering from a very fucked up thing that happened.

You're strong.. and it will get better and better.


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## monemi (Jun 24, 2013)

I don't really know what you're going through and won't pretend I do, but I did want to address something. You may have already realized this, but I wanted to make sure that you understand this. I had a traumatic event that caused acute stress disorder that lasted over a month. One of the things that helped me recover was group therapy with those who went through less violent experiences but lived with abuse for years. Years of violence and negative messages. I'd gotten this message from people trying to be supportive that I'd been through 'the worst'. These women opened my eyes with their stories and made me realize that if they were able to deal with their stuff, so could I. There are no worse or better experiences when it comes to trauma. Just experiences to learn from. 

Try not to rate your experiences against people who have been to war or the such. Just focus on your own path. 

Hope I didn't overstep any lines with this.


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## Arjan (Jul 31, 2013)

I remembered that I should have given you an update earlier. EMDR as a therapy is quite good, although no one really knows exactly what makes it work this well. I think I can safely recommend it.


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## RaidenPrime (Aug 4, 2012)

I have PTSD too. First I want to thank you for sharing this story with everyone. It isn't easy to share PTSD, even on the internet. 

I would suggest keeping a trigger journal. A lot of the rage you might feel could be a result of pent-up anxiety and depersonalization. Sometimes it is so bad that you don't even realize it is happening or that you were triggered. This happens to me all the time. Then I don't even realize I am withdrawing from people who care about me, or they ask why I'm angry and I can't talk about it, because talking about it might trigger me even worse.

I have been told that letting yourself be angry is good too. I have a hard time with that though because I am just not an angry person. The thing is with PTSD, rationalizing the anxiety might just make it worse. Often the problem in itself is not letting yourself feel what you need to feel. I feel guilty for feeling; I feel that if I share or feel my feelings it will hurt other people and bring them down. Remember though if you need to feel and express what you are feeling, it's okay. It doesn't make you weak, and I really respect the fact that you are trying so hard. It sounds like you could use some better support irl.

I really hear you though, sometimes I think maybe I can laugh off the pain, until people see you use laughter as a way of taming your inner demons. Laughing can relax your muscles and improve circulation, but sometimes it doesn't really connect you with other people once you've decided to bury your trigger in laughter. The trigger is still there sadly.


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## FlightsOfFancy (Dec 30, 2012)

To some extent, this may never go away. My Dr.s have told me straight to my face without sugar-coating that my illnesses will probably last for the rest of my life.

That sucks

But, I have been working on my own for of cognitive therapy, so to speak. At some point, you have to view yourself in the third person and see what is your disorder and what isn't. You may even find positive aspects of your disorder(for example: I sometimes have "splitting" as in BPD, but I like to see both extremes of a person and issue. I then kind of backwards interpolate, but at this time I have knowledge of both sides of the person, which comes in very handy).


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## Adrift (Apr 5, 2011)

There are several papers describing the use of mindfulness meditation to treat PTSD in people abused as children. The technique works, but I forget what the success rate is. You can read more about it here:
Mindfulness Psychotherapy for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)


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## FlightsOfFancy (Dec 30, 2012)

Adrift said:


> There are several papers describing the use of mindfulness meditation to treat PTSD in people abused as children. The technique works, but I forget what the success rate is. You can read more about it here:
> Mindfulness Psychotherapy for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)


This is actually great advice and something everyone, even without a disorder, should follow. We can't always fix the immediacy of our problems, but to be mindful of them and the effects they propagate is invaluable.


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## Rift (Mar 12, 2012)

Kestrel said:


> I really don't know what I'm hoping for. Advice? Can someone relate, even if you don't have PTSD or are otherwise healthy? Has anyone else experienced this kind of long-term rage that has nothing to do with general irritability? Would do you do? What should I do? (In regards to the anger, please, not my sister - I'm still working out what I can/should do about that.)


what I suspect you're looking for... is resolution.

Which is unlikely to happen ... in any kind of personally satisfying way. The magical fix ... the fairy tale of the happily ever after.

ptsd can be an adaptive predator, hiding for years and striking when you're at your most vulnerable. 

Which isn't always the result of a negative experience either... sometimes, perhaps even often, it's just situations where one has relinquished control or otherwise let their walls down. 

Most of us, most people build up walls around their vulnerabilities, their weaknesses... it makes it difficult to trust other people or even ourselves. It also may make us more susceptible to other forms of ptsd, anxiety, depression, etc... creating triggers even outside of our own experiences. Or relating, mixing and matching other events in our lives or the world and throwing it into the _ptsd_ pit. 

The source of our ptsd can change over time. We might actually _heal_, _recover_, from one... only to find we have another or perhaps the source of it wasn't the source at all. 

In my own case... the event that should have been, would have been the most obvious source of my ptsd wasn't as much of a problem than the events that followed. And having been on the other side of care, of outreach programs, bloody activism over some of these issues... naive and stupid for blindly submitting to care that offered no support at all. It took several months, years, to come to terms with just that. And parts of it that I'm still dealing with. 

and of course, there's the issues of finding a sense of normal. for myself... as these events happened later in life, I spent a bit too much time trying to get back to where I was, to who I was before these events. And I still mourn the loss of that person... although there is as much love/hate of that person as there is with the person I am now. 

As to what to do... really I can't tell you. 

It's ever so variable for everyone. 

for myself... I wasn't able to get much out of peer support groups nor most therapy sesions. The latter often new age, touchy feely types to which there was often too many personality conflicts or lacking the experience to deal with my surrounding issues. The former was a bit of the same, split between twelve step like groups complete with an adapted serenity prayer that just didn't mesh with me.

therapy, even medication can be helpful... but they're not for everyone. So many things may get in the way of finding a good fit.

Instead what helped me were more creative endeavors... performance art, spoken word or poetry readings, traditional art, music... places where I could let go and at the same time tap in, drive in, let these things out .. just ride, ride, ride. And there are many groups available, many people available that share in these experiences and just provide the space to "vent" when needed, to "vent" without being questioned, without needing to provide an answer, or helped... but just because this energy, these feelings, these thoughts need to go somewhere... need to be released, dissected, analyzed, confronted ... mourned, enraged ... distracted.

There's also activism, of course, too... which helps for bringing it into context, for giving your experience a place to be turned into a positive which adds a bit to finding a way to resolve it in some way. 

or again, creatively there's experiences, perhaps even intimate experiences that may involve a bit of storytelling, roleplaying, not rewriting the events ... so much as confronting them in other ways. And not always the event itself, but addressing the triggers... particularly if they begin to impede upon those areas. Something that may be exercised with a partner or perhaps a trained surrogate. 

and there are some new age, earthy, fluffy practices that can help as well... I prefer the more alternative sorts, not specific centered on these issues... touch therapy for one... 

also more applicable in a broader scope by just visiting a masseur/masseuse... no happy ending required, though they might prefer it as I've been known to make far more disturbing, pornographic noises with a good scalp massage... 

or maybe it's all about taking time out for yourself. 

real quality time, completely superficial, selfish time for yourself..

but lacking a negotiable schedule... 

I suppose there is always breathing exercises.


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## monemi (Jun 24, 2013)

Rift said:


> what I suspect you're looking for... is resolution.


I thought resolution was something you give yourself.


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## Rift (Mar 12, 2012)

monemi said:


> I thought resolution was something you give yourself.


resolution, to resolve... 

but how do you resolve the unthinkable... the unimaginable for most

It's a bit of a fantasy to think it can be resolved. It's a dance of a denials to some extent. To bartering, bargaining, justifying.. there's some schools of thought that say *you* should forgive. But why? It just covers the festering wound with a bandaid... so other people can't see it, aren't affected by it, infected by it. It's more for their comfort than mine. 

It can hardly be called anything but frustration really... can you really resolve something that was outside of your hands without taking some of the blame yourself? 

And coming to acceptance... at best

Do you think getting an apology would help? Pressing charges? Or following with a civil suit is going to bring about some level of comfort? Or those unhealthy thoughts of revenge... the fantasies have their place though. The other stuff I'm not quite sure. I could have sued but I rather think I would have been the one on trial, myself. Ever so weird, ever so opinionated, ever so still in the throes of it... tendrils creeping, still reaching out from their buried depths... years later. Nearly a decade. 

There's the resolve, the stubbornness to move forward or just to live... increment by increment away, slowly, not to get trapped within its static hold.... where time, all time, stops a bit too frequently or loses meaning. 

resolving the issues... those are kind of doubtful to be resolved. 

trying to resolve them, these things created by external factors, controlled by external entities, do you really think you'd be able to resolve them on your own, alone? It's like trying to put an answer to why it happened in the first place... to why it happened to you. Or for me, the inevitable detection of pattern, a cycle, a repeat of the events on a smaller scale that stretches out before and after... and for others I've met, those I've gotten to know, there is no resolution for it. Just the space, the time between widens... the grips of it lessen... but its never freely, truly, resolved.


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## monemi (Jun 24, 2013)

Well, in my case the police arrested him and he got jail time. All that did was embarrass me as my experience was made very public. This isn't written very thoughtfully right now, cause I have somewhere to be. I'll try to be short. But resolution started for me when I forgave him and forgave myself. Forgiveness wasn't saying I didn't mind what he did. It wasn't my okay. It was me deciding that I wasn't going to hold onto this for life. That I wasn't going to let this define who I was. That I was more than one experience. That I was going to be okay and that I would grow and be stronger because I wasn't sweeping it away, I remember. I'm not forgetting it. I accepted what happened as something I would have preferred didn't, but I don't get to choose everything that happens. Resolution was a process that I gave myself. At least, that's how it seemed. 

I'm proud of how strong and capable I am. I got through it and I've made peace with myself.

ETA: I'm back and looking over this, I don't want it to seem I'm dismissing the difficulty of doing this. This is just how I dealt with it. I'm no expert and I don't know the right and wrong way of dealing with this sort of thing. It's just some of what went on behind the bulk of my recovery.


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## Zombie Devil Duckie (Apr 11, 2012)

> I really don't know what I'm hoping for. Advice?


Take Yoga, Martial Arts, rock climbing, distance running, some type of conditioning program... anything that builds strength of mind and discipline. Try to physically push yourself and achieve small (personal) victories. 

Self-loathing is fueling your hatred and you need to take control of your mind and body. Once you do that, you'll be on the way to achieving the peace you are looking for.

That, combined with therapy and a healthy diet will do quite a bit to improve your quality of life.


Warm regards,


-ZDD


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## Adrift (Apr 5, 2011)

There is an episode of Outer Limits starring Michelle Forbes and Amanda Plummber about PTSD and child abuse. A female scientist is kidnapped, raped and tortured as a teen and when she grows up, she builds a time machine so she can kill her rapist. She uses the time machine to murder serial killers before they actually kill in hopes of finding some relief from the pain, but it doesn't work. In case you were thinking of doing the same, I just saved you a boatload of time.


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