# Relationships that begin online



## Stephen (Jan 17, 2011)

tnredhead said:


> All I can say for now is that I think pseudo-intimacy is a real danger on the internet.


Would you consider sharing what "pseudo-intimacy" is, and why you think it's dangerous?


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## Disfigurine (Jan 1, 2011)

It's hard.




That is all I'm going to add to this discussion.


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## perennialurker (Oct 1, 2009)

I have traditionally been EXTREMELY skeptical of these things, but lately I really don't know. Here is an interesting if inconclusive article on the topic that I read just recently: Internet Dating Much More Successful Than Thought


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## tnredhead (Apr 5, 2011)

Stephen said:


> Would you consider sharing what "pseudo-intimacy" is, and why you think it's dangerous?


I can't believe I am having such a hard time articulating my feelings about this particular subject. I think I have mixed feelings about it.

Dangerous was probably too strong of a word. I think pitfall might be more accurate. I read an article once about online relationships and it talked about halo effect, anonymity, pseudo intimacy, etc. I wish I could find it again, but I can't. 

In real life, it tends to take a while for any kind of deep topic to come up, and depending on your personality, it may take even longer before you feel comfortable discussing said topics with people. On the internet, you can just jump in to a forum thread and post your thoughts and feelings immediately on any given topic. I think this fosters a kind of pseudo-intimacy and the effect is compounded when you find someone with whom you consistently share the same ideas and feelings. I won't even begin to go in to how this might be compounded for people who feel that they rarely connect with others in real life...

Anyway, this is getting long. To those of you who found your SO online, congrats and best wishes. I can't help but personally find online relationships dubious but I'm always happy to hear when it works out for the best. :happy:


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## Stephen (Jan 17, 2011)

tnredhead said:


> In real life, it tends to take a while for any kind of deep topic to come up, and depending on your personality, it may take even longer before you feel comfortable discussing said topics with people. On the internet, you can just jump in to a forum thread and post your thoughts and feelings immediately on any given topic. I think this fosters a kind of pseudo-intimacy and the effect is compounded when you find someone with whom you consistently share the same ideas and feelings. I won't even begin to go in to how this might be compounded for people who feel that they rarely connect with others in real life...


Good heavens, I found this very wise and useful. Thank you so much for sharing this. I think I know a couple of people who need to consider this. If you find that link, please don't hesitate to share it.


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## abster (Feb 9, 2011)

two of my longest relationship started online but then again, they were both local, or actually had mutual friends.

I met my ex on friendster, he messaged me cos we have mutual friends and i recognised him cos i had a crush on him where i used to go to church but never had the courage to talk to him. At that time, i was dating someone else so i kind of befriended him on friendster but didn't really think much of it. Months after i broke up with the guy i was dating then, he asked to meet up and we kind of hung out as friends and it just grew from there.

My boyfriend now, i met through facebook in the social worker network through college we also had mutual friends, again i wasnt looking for a relationship because i decided to stay single for awhile after my previous relationship broke. We met at a social work pub crawl a month later but just as friends and continued chatting oon facebook. I found out later that he had a crush on me when he asked me out on valentines day w/c i was thrilled cos i had feelings for him but was too chicken to say anything. 

For a shy girl like me, i think meeting someone online for the first time, helps a lot. Especially in my case, where i had a cruch on someone ages ago and then met him again online. Because then, it saves you the awkward start of thinking of what to say when u first meet someone. I find that bcos i have already have conversations with the men i met online, it was easy to kind of think of what to say when i met them in person since i know their interests, what they do etc. It also helpes that i met them just a few months after, they were local and we have mutual friends.

However, i am not sure if they were at a far distance or total stranger, it must be someone i have a special connection with and if ill actually make that level of commitment. But then again, these days u never know. Internet is one way of finding a partner, why not try anything if ur looking, right? I think id prefer it to speed dating, ill just panic being time limited on what to say.


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## hippiel0ve (Apr 11, 2011)

It can only work if you both truly want it to, and if you understand commitment and dont have a wondering eye.
in my opinion, distance is not a factor of true love, many people may find long distance relationship unbelievable because they are searching for the next possible option.It takes alot of trust. My boyfriend lives in New Jersey and I live in Ohio, it is hard, but the love for him is stronger than the doubts and fears that may come up.


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## Stephen (Jan 17, 2011)

hippiel0ve said:


> It can only work if you both truly want it to, and if you understand commitment and dont have a wondering eye.
> in my opinion, distance is not a factor of true love, many people may find long distance relationship unbelievable because they are searching for the next possible option.It takes alot of trust. My boyfriend lives in New Jersey and I live in Ohio, it is hard, but the love for him is stronger than the doubts and fears that may come up.


I completely agree that mutual trust is critical in any relationship. I think that those who aren't prepared to invest their full trust in their partner aren't prepared for any relationship, but it can be so hard to hold onto wisdom in the face of a crush.


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## CrystallineSoul (Apr 11, 2011)

My sister and her husband met while playing an online videogame. He lived a few states away from us and came to visit after a couple of years with his parents. Four years after that, they got married! 

Apparently, online dating works for some people.


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## imaginelovecreate (May 19, 2011)

Met my guy on an MMORPG.

And my ex before that... LOL.

First guy I flew out to see in FL, and he turned out to be a bum with no motivation - luckily not a murderer! - but a sweet guy nonetheless.

Then I met another guy (my current) on the same game. He flew over to Kenya, was meant to stay 3 months - ended up staying 10! It's been almost 2 yrs now, and he's in Kenya again - this time for abt 7 months so far.


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## PoppyPeedOnMySofa (May 31, 2010)

I've had a few by accident. Nothing came of them. Never met them in person. Tho one of them was going to but she chickened out because she was scared. As weird as it sounds tho, they felt real because we talked most of the time. It wasn't so bad. Just have to have a lot of patience and that's what I got.


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## Up and Away (Mar 5, 2011)

Its been a week here, and there is no way I could go for more than a few weeks without having a solid plan in place for meeting.

Why would I do that to myself?

Imagine if you had a date with someone, would you go a month without dating them again?

And meeting online, you've never even got to have the first date!!!!

The only problem I think is when people are tied down, and can't see eachother enough or at all.

I mean if one person isn't tied down, one could start with a weekend, but then move to a week or two, then do that several times, and then in 8 months to a year just move in lol.

Whats a good move in time? I did 5 months last time and I felt like tht was WAYYY early.



Belua said:


> It's hard.


Damn straight.



sRae said:


> Online - 1 month
> Phone - 2 months
> Met in person after 3 months
> He moved here 2 weeks later.
> Married a year exactly after meeting online.


Wow thats what I needed.

Okay, do you think it would of been okay with phone only for one month and met after 2?

How did the move in go? Were you so in love that all the small things didnt matter?

If thats true thats flippin amazing and beautiful


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## Invidia (Feb 26, 2011)

Souled In said:


> Wow thats what I needed.
> 
> Okay, do you think it would of been okay with phone only for one month and met after 2?
> 
> ...


Well we didn't really have a plan, it just happened. It didn't feel fast to us but some people thought it was. I would just go with it and see what happens. I know it is cliche sounding, but "when you know, you know!"

As for him moving here, again it just seemed meant to be because it happened so smoothly. His lease as up the following month, so after his visit here he went home, gave his 2 weeks with his job (transferred to the same company's store where I lived, then found something better once he moved here), and didn't renew his lease. I flew out 2 weeks later to help him pack all of his belongings into a U-Haul and we drove back together. Been together ever since 

Good luck and I hope everything works out!


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## Monte (Feb 17, 2010)

That's... adorable.

I've begun to do this because, as stated in my last board, men are beginning to bore me. But online it's much faster and easier to weed out the boring, stupid ones and move on to the ones with personality. You can talk all of the time without feeling needy or clingy, you see their personality better, and you don't have to worry about them stalking your house.

I've actually already met a guy, he was pretty fucking awesome, just not date material, but very glad I met him. We shall be friends~


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## Zster (Mar 7, 2011)

I agree with the poster who stumbled over a definition of pseudo-intimacy. I am able to seemingly deeply connect with people easily online, but, to date NONE of those have translated into actual f2f chemistry, which is absolutely essential for a relationship to turn romantic for me. Anymore, I almost want to meet f2f first and then flirt online. I might make initial contact online but would greatly prefer to move to a real life meeting within a week or so, if possible. There can be too much buildup and too much hurt if that buildup does not pan out for one or both parties.

For those for whom the online has translated to romantic success - I ENVY YOU!!! I so wish my connections were as awesome in real life. (sniff)


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## devoid (Jan 3, 2011)

I was involved with a guy online for two years, then moved in with him for six months. There are a lot of benefits to getting to know someone online first; it encourages deeper communication and gives both people a good chance to know each other mentally before complicating things with physical interactions, hormones, etc. The problem with this is the transition between online interaction and real life interaction, which is going to be dramatic.

When your primary method of communication is typing, it's easy to see only one side of a person. When we type we are calm, in our own space, and we have plenty of time to write and rewrite until it's exactly what we wanted to say. A person's intelligence and ideas might show through typed words better than in person, but their personality and mannerisms don't show at all. Even when using phones or webcams, you still don't get much of a feel for how this person acts throughout the day - only how they act in the spotlight, when focusing on one person. Especially when using text, it's extremely easy for a person to show one 'side' of themselves, or even a somewhat false persona that they think is more impressive.

The person I was with had very low self esteem along with a huge list of psychological problems. When I talk about myself, I try to be honest; I do think that I'm a responsible person, I do get a bit OCD, I am very quiet at home and I help when people ask me to. However, the person I was seeing wanted to appear equal or better than me, and so he decided that he was also responsible, quiet, neat and helpful. In fact, he was so convinced that he was the better person that he managed to convince me of this as well; I had no reason not to believe what he said. 

When I moved in with him I realized that the person I had been seeing was not him. He was extremely loud, messy, lazy and generally irresponsible. All the things we had talked about doing together he suddenly didn't like or wasn't interested in, and as he no longer had the leisure of typing out words our communication dropped to an all-time low. To make things worse, I found out that he was extremely selfish and unmotivated, something that was so easy for me to deny when we were long distance. When I moved in he completely let himself go, gained a ton of weight and stopped caring about anything. All of his immediate needs and wants were met, so there was nothing left for him to do. I was completely heartbroken.

So would I meet people online again? Maybe, but it would have to be much different. I wouldn't waste that much time exclusively dating someone in another state again, I wouldn't come to such optimistic conclusions from a bunch of text, and I wouldn't make excuses like that in any relationship. I think most of my problems were more related to me making excuses and having low standards than the actual medium, but at the same time the medium did lend itself to the scenario. With online dating you need to be even more cautious than when dating in person, because it's that much easier to be blinded.


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## viva (Aug 13, 2010)

@sRae I just wanted to let you know how inspirational your input has been for me. Living 3,000 miles away from my boyfriend can be very difficult, and things have been even tougher lately since he actually does want to move here, but has had extreme difficulty finding a job. It gives me hope to hear that someone else has been in the exact same situation and went on to have success. It's such an unorthodox situation that it is sometimes easy to get discouraged-- although our relationship is of course a "real life" one now (we see each other about once a month), I still sometimes wonder if how it started could somehow eventually have an effect on us, and for that reason, I am dying to finally be living in the same place. I hope we can find the same happy ending that you did.


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## susurration (Oct 22, 2009)

With the internet these days, all you need is a webcam or head set and you can talk face to face. I think you can avoid the face to face/text discrepancy via that form if you live far away.


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## redmanXNTP (May 17, 2011)

Stephen said:


> I met my ex-wife on a singles site in the late 1990s. We met in person two months later. We moved in together four months or so after that, and got married the following year. We were married eleven years. *The way we met had nothing to do with what worked or didn't work about our relationship, it was just another way to find a partner in the modern world.*
> 
> The first girlfriend I had after that I met on OKCupid. She was local to me, so meeting her was pretty easy. It was kind of a turbulent thing for a number of reasons, and we were only together for about three months. We communicated using Skype, Facebook, email, thousands of text messages, and sometimes phone calls when we were apart. The technology turned out to be a blessing and a curse, as misunderstandings in the various types of electronic text were very common, especially toward the end. But honestly, as close as we were, there was a fundamental problem in the way we communicated, and I actually came here to address that in myself. I wonder what her MBTI type is often, as I'd like to be able to communicate with her type better in the future.
> 
> ...


Completely agree with the bolded part. I've never understood the statements by people - often in online profiles, incidentally - that "I can't believe I'm dating online, lol . . ." It's completely in tune with our time. 

Anyway, I'm at an age where I have no time or inclination to waste time with some stranger (going into the relationship) who's too far away. By "too far away" I'd roughly say that I wouldn't be able to meet up with them in the proverbial middle within 30 minutes. I've got a kid and a job, so you got caught in the screening filter. I no longer need to spend hours on the phone discovering romance - I need more than that, including a physical connection and time spent together. 

I completely agree with physical cues. We're ultimately physical animals and we need that contact - I'm not going to Skype my way into romance.


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## redmanXNTP (May 17, 2011)

susurration said:


> With the internet these days, all you need is a webcam or head set and you can talk face to face. I think you can avoid the face to face/text discrepancy via that form if you live far away.


Good to see Gen-Y in the house . . . :wink:


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## Invidia (Feb 26, 2011)

vivacissimamente said:


> @sRae I just wanted to let you know how inspirational your input has been for me. Living 3,000 miles away from my boyfriend can be very difficult, and things have been even tougher lately since he actually does want to move here, but has had extreme difficulty finding a job. It gives me hope to hear that someone else has been in the exact same situation and went on to have success. It's such an unorthodox situation that it is sometimes easy to get discouraged-- although our relationship is of course a "real life" one now (we see each other about once a month), I still sometimes wonder if how it started could somehow eventually have an effect on us, and for that reason, I am dying to finally be living in the same place. I hope we can find the same happy ending that you did.


I'm sorry, I seemed to have missed this notification  I am glad our story encourages you! We had total faith it would happen, and if you both are that committed and believe in your relationship, then I believe it will happen for you too 

Finding a job and the logistics are always the hardest part. My husband had been with a large retail chain for many years and transferred with that company to our local store, simply as a back up. He went on to have a few really lousy jobs and things were really tight for awhile, but it all worked out with a bit of patience in that area. I already owned a house so that made it a bit easier, he had a place to stay no matter what. I hope everything falls into place for you both and soon


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## susurration (Oct 22, 2009)

redmanINTP said:


> Good to see Gen-Y in the house . . . :wink:


Yup and i'm going to be staying in the house... cus i'm one hell of an introvert :mellow: ;D


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## redmanXNTP (May 17, 2011)

hziegel said:


> I was involved with a guy online for two years, then moved in with him for six months. There are a lot of benefits to getting to know someone online first; it encourages deeper communication and gives both people a good chance to know each other mentally before complicating things with physical interactions, hormones, etc. The problem with this is the transition between online interaction and real life interaction, which is going to be dramatic.


All of this and frankly the rest of your post are great points and left uncovered by my post. I agree.

My MO on dating sites was to screen for pics first - a LOT of them, then read profiles in depth. Classic male INTP behavior. 

I liked OkCupid because the questions are very revealing, and while if you pay attention and "practice" you can tell a lot from someone's profile, you can tell even more from the questions knowing the profile going in. I tended to get a lot out of reading people who answered a lot of questions, and even more if they commented upon a number of them. Sometimes their answers would get me to rethink my answers, etc. Often, of course, I found stuff I didn't like, but certainly there were those who I really liked after reading in depth. Again, very much of an INTP approach here.

Anyway, I came across someone whose profile attracted me and I loved the way that she answered her hundreds of questions. I contacted her and we hit it off IM'ing and quickly texting. 

Here's my tip to guys in online dating: if you're not willing to meet in person inside of a week, it ain't gonna happen. Maybe those in high school college are willing to endlessly IM and OKC-mail, but not those who are older (probably a product of life circumstances and less time to waste; maturity insofar as knowing that an in-person chemistry needs to be there; and one's generation where electronic messaging isn't as ingrained). 

Also, my recommendation to anyone who is seriously interested in somebody online is not to actually talk on the phone beforehand. It adds suspense which should be there, and also doesn't leave you with nothing to talk about in person. It's fresh. You can still learn a good amount about someone through the pre-date banter and discussion (again, over the course of days, not more) but you don't want to blow your proverbial wad beforehand. 

Anyway, thanks for this post. It jogged my memory about this stuff - which is nice that I no longer need it in my working memory as I'm in a satisfying relationship.


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## Who (Jan 2, 2010)

I wouldn't do it. You can't have sex with someone thousands of miles away. Cyber sex doesn't count.


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## Macrosapien (Apr 4, 2010)

lol edited, lets just say I have experienced. Is it worth it? I do not yet know -- the experience has been interesting and I met the person at PerC a year or so ago. It's confusing and if this doesn't work out, I can I will not be doing the online thing again as far as relationships go.


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## Kr3m1in (Jan 16, 2011)

I am in an online relationship for the first (and last) time in my life. I am a very f2f & physical intimacy oriented person, but when you find someone that happens to compile exactly what it is you're looking for, it's pretty stupid (imho) to pass it up because oh, they live a state away at the moment.
I couldn't go long without meeting in person though, I would probably burn out very fast, because I am not used to things like that, and I need to see more than text and more than webcam. Call me insatiable.
I think as long as you whole-heartedly believe that distance isn't a permanenet fixture, and have the means and the imagination to make f2f meetings happen as often as possible, it can work.
On that note, I'm seeing her in less than three weeks


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## lothweneriniel (Jun 20, 2011)

vivacissimamente said:


> I recently noticed, in another thread, a few people talking about how they are in long-distance relationships with people they met online and have yet to meet in person. I find this really interesting and was hoping to hear about more experiences with this. I can't imagine devoting that level of commitment to someone I had never met-- not criticizing someone who would, but rather just hoping to understand the logic behind making it "official" before you meet that person. Has anyone here done this and then actually met the person? What was the transition like?
> 
> I also, of course, would love to talk about relationships where the folks met online, then met in person and started dating. (That's more of my forte... *whistles innocently*)
> 
> Really I'm just looking to hear stories, opinions, impressions, etc... good or bad.


I've never committed when it was just online, but there was a guy I had a deep relationship with online for years. We would both see other people, but gravitate back together when single. We had a lot to talk about and it felt really safe but then we met and he got enthusiastic and I got scared and it ended.


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## Luke (Oct 17, 2010)

I met a person online and the relationship lasted for four years. At first we just chatted on the internet and then moved on to chatting on the phone, we met and shortly after and moved in together. It was my first relationship and I was kind of naive at the time and moved in with her to quickly, but I did fall in love with her and I don't regret what happened. 

One thing I don't like about online relationships is that they seem to sometimes lack the spontaneity of meeting someone in real life and just clicking with them. But one thing I do like about them is that you can meet some really interesting people and I find the process of communicating through writing kind of romantic.


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## SilentScream (Mar 31, 2011)

*my first venture into this forum* [looks around tentatively before posting]

It's very easy to fall in love with someone just by chatting with them - and personally I don't see anything wrong with it at all - again as long as the person writing about themselves is being honest and truthful. My actual relationship with my ex-wife [though it ended in disaster] really started on MSN - when a simple "what's your MSN ID?" led to an 8 year long relationship [4 months online, 4.5 years engaged, 3 years married].

However, just reading text does run the risk of creating an idolized version of the other person. I'm very fluent in my expression and have a way with getting my real self across, in fact even slightly enhanced when I'm writing - rather than when I'm speaking. It happened to me on PerC very recently. A member openly expressed her infatuation for me and despite my many reservations and gentle refusals, her persistence grew to a torrid emotional affair that really unbalanced me and reactions to my refusals spilled over into the public sphere. Even now I honestly feel guilty about the whole situation that led to another member's retirement. 

That said, I'm not here to judge the validity of online relationships. There are many examples of successful online couples - but again a word to the wise - practice caution and don't wear your hearts on your sleeve when interacting with someone online. There are more examples of unsuccessful relationships than successful ones to make anyone's heart quiver.


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## Vic (Dec 4, 2010)

I know it's possible to get close to someone, even feel love for that person. I've experienced it.

Being 'in love', on the other hand, doesn't seem possible. There is a side to that person, the physical, that remains unknown, even if the people involved use web cams and the like to get to know one another. It takes a physical union to manifest those feelings and confirm the attraction.


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