# How can I be happier with life and have more realistic expectations?



## chickydoda (Feb 12, 2010)

Hello.

As an ENFP, I am very idealistic and have high expectations. Despite being somewhat spontaneous and enjoying novelty, theres some things I expect to go a certain way, and if they don't, I feel really disappointed.

Because of my possible ennegram, I like to appear successful (not something thats happened for a long time), do fun/interesting things and look good doing them (as crazy as that sounds!) and also record the experiances via a blog, video clips and photos. I don't necessarily mind if I have a bad experiance doing things if I look good in the pictures, because in that case I'm like ''wow, look how good I looked'' or, if I had a good time, I can filter out the bad stuff that happened during that time, because when I look at a photo, I just remember the good things and wish I could travel back to that time.

Anyway, heres a few examples of my expectations, and how they have let me down. I'm obviously in a destructive cycle, and it needs to end now, or I'll never be happy.

- I tell my mum I need something. She goes out and buys something, which is practical, but I don't like it because its not my style or the right colour or something.
- My parents take me to Disneyland for my birthday, and I feel disappointed because I miss out on a character picture with Mickey Mouse and most of the characters, and I never got to have a character breakfast, then on the second day, my parents declared they didn't want to go back, so left me at the park by myself. I hate being by myself! Also, a lot of the rides were smaller/lamer than I was expecting and there wasn't that much to do. (I went to the one in Paris)
- I expected to be invited to two childhood friends 21st parties and weddings because we were so close for such a long time, and growing up, I thought we'd be bridesmaids for each other. We grew apart during highschool, but still liked each other. One of them just got engaged, and I know I won't get invited to the wedding, and she also just had her 21st, and nope, no invite to that either. I feel stupid for even expecting anything.
- I thought with highschool I would be the leader of various clubs, get top marks, have lots of boyfriends and friends etc, but instead I got bullied, did extremely badly academically and didn't do any extracurricular activites.
- I thought prom night would be really romantic, I'd have a great dress etc, but in reality, no one asked me to go with them and I was too embarrassed to ask anyone, I was overweight and gross, one time I borrowed a dress off a friend and the other dress was second hand off my sister and no one danced with me. (Although, on the upside, my hair looked amazing!)
- I thought I could completely transform myself when I moved overseas, and come back a different, better person to my friends, but instead I lost all the progress I had made as a Christian and regained a whole lot of weight I had lost.
- I thought people would make a big fuss out of my 21st and it would be really special. Instead, I spent the whole day crying, my mum invited a lady I've always despised, I was on the other side of the world from my friends and family, most of my family didn't even acknowledge it was a special day etc.

I feel so ripped off. How can I stop expecting so much from life? I know I'm better off that 95% of the world (not the Western world neccessarily) but I can't help feeling sad.


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## Word Dispenser (May 18, 2012)

chickydoda said:


> Hello.
> 
> As an ENFP, I am very idealistic and have high expectations. Despite being somewhat spontaneous and enjoying novelty, theres some things I expect to go a certain way, and if they don't, I feel really disappointed.
> 
> ...




Ah, yes. Quite the pickle.

Well, my first piece of advice to you is to stop expecting things to turn out a certain way. You can't stop dreaming, that's impossible. Enjoy your dreams. 

But, you're responsible for your vision, and you must realize by now that it's not necessarily realistic. No one's is. 

We all have ideas for the way things will turn out, and most of the time they'll never turn out as we expect. This is when we learn to adapt, and make the most of what _does _happen. Rationalize.

Then, there are certain things we can do to prepare for our eventual future possibilities. No details. Neither of us like details. But, preparing in a very broad sense of the word.

You have a vision of being popular. Okay. What makes a person popular and why does this matter to you? Is a popular person healthy? If so, then eat healthy and exercise. Is a popular person smart? What do they know? Who do they know? What are their interests? What is it that you _really _want out of this vision?

Ask yourself questions to your eventualities. You're just as good at coming up with questions as I am, ENxP for the win. Put them on paper, and answer them.

This might help too: http://personalitycafe.com/advice-center/99750-ask-forums-fitness-freaks.html Being healthy and fit is a great way to help your body, brain and self. And it can be fun too.


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## zynthaxx (Aug 12, 2009)

Wow. I don't know if you're a troll or just a whiner, but here goes:

You could try acknowledging that other people don't exist on this planet with the sole objective of making you happy and fulfilling your expectations. Once you realize that your happiness is your own responsibility, within the limits of common sense and normal ethics, it's just a matter of adjusting your course of actions accordingly. Voila: Instant realistic expectations and happiness, requiring just a tiny amount of blood, sweat and tears (preferably your own, for once).


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## chickydoda (Feb 12, 2010)

zynthaxx said:


> Wow. I don't know if you're a troll or just a whiner


Whiner. And NF. We're known for having unrealistic ideals. And I've spent most of my life having trouble separating what happens in books/tvs/movies from reality which was one of my problems.


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## Word Dispenser (May 18, 2012)

chickydoda said:


> Whiner. And NF. We're known for having unrealistic ideals. And I've spent most of my life having trouble separating what happens in books/tvs/movies from reality which was one of my problems.


Hi again! 

What specific problems are you having right _now_? You've listed things that have let you down in the past.

What are you trying to fix right _now_? Do you have any current visions for the future that you want to actualize?


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## nádej (Feb 27, 2011)

I think the first step to being happier with life is taking care of yourself. Honestly, it's a lot harder to feel down about things when every day you are actively pursuing your own health and happiness. Meaning: eating healthily, getting exercise, taking time to work through your feelings, making sure you're holding up your end of relationships. If it seems simple, it's because it is. That doesn't mean it's always easy, but it _is_ worth it.

You can't control what other people think or do, which can result in disappointment. That's true for everyone, I think. I doubt there is a single person out there who hasn't, at one point or another, been very let down by a situation or two (or twelve hundred). What you _can_ control is what you think and do. That's what is in your power to change.


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## Choice (May 19, 2012)

chickydoda said:


> Hello.
> - I tell my mum I need something. She goes out and buys something, which is practical, but I don't like it because its not my style or the right colour or something.
> - My parents take me to Disneyland for my birthday, and I feel disappointed because I miss out on a character picture with Mickey Mouse and most of the characters, and I never got to have a character breakfast, then on the second day, my parents declared they didn't want to go back, so left me at the park by myself. I hate being by myself! Also, a lot of the rides were smaller/lamer than I was expecting and there wasn't that much to do. (I went to the one in Paris)
> - I expected to be invited to two childhood friends 21st parties and weddings because we were so close for such a long time, and growing up, I thought we'd be bridesmaids for each other. We grew apart during highschool, but still liked each other. One of them just got engaged, and I know I won't get invited to the wedding, and she also just had her 21st, and nope, no invite to that either. I feel stupid for even expecting anything.
> ...


1) Perhaps you could be more specific about what you want or go along with her on shopping trips?

2) Did you ask to be invited? People have bad memories, and you might not be the first on their mind if you don't see each other everyday. I don't know how much this applies to you, but if I had a close friend who's getting married and I really wanted to share their happiness, I'd ask if I could hop along because they were important to me (Need me as a witness so you don't go back on your word? ;P).

3) That's just the thing. How would anyone know you were interested if you didn't ask? What if someone didn't mind going with you, but was too embarrassed to ask as well?

You seem to be placing a lot of expectations on other people's actions instead of what you can do yourself.


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## chickydoda (Feb 12, 2010)

I remember seeing a list on forwardgarden when I was about 14, that was something like ''reasons not to give up/not to commit suicide'' or something. The list appealed at the time because I was really depressed and didn't have a lot to live for.

It had things like go to prom, have a boyfriend, have your first kiss, get your first car, be a bridesmaid, get married, have kids etc etc.

There were over 100 things on that list, that everyone should really experiance, and I have a feeling I have done very few of them. For example, I really want to be someones bridesmaid someday (hopefully more than once), but I just don't think its going to happen. I never got to do the flower thing either.

I have my own bucketlist, but most of the things aren't going to happen, because life is so short, a lot of the things require a lot more money than I actually have (will probably get in the future), require husband/kids or I live in the wrong part of the world.

I also have an unrealistic view of the way things should be because of all the books, tv shows and movies I grew up on, where things always happened a certain way, everyone had happy familiies, problems were always solved etc. Life isn't like that.

Grr. I fail at life.


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## Word Dispenser (May 18, 2012)

chickydoda said:


> I remember seeing a list on forwardgarden when I was about 14, that was something like ''reasons not to give up/not to commit suicide'' or something. The list appealed at the time because I was really depressed and didn't have a lot to live for.
> 
> It had things like go to prom, have a boyfriend, have your first kiss, get your first car, be a bridesmaid, get married, have kids etc etc.
> 
> ...


You should create your own list that doesn't have to do with the expectations of other people. How is being a bridesmaid an accomplishment?


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## CrabbyPaws (Mar 5, 2012)

zynthaxx said:


> Wow. I don't know if you're a troll or just a whiner, but here goes:
> 
> You could try acknowledging that other people don't exist on this planet with the sole objective of making you happy and fulfilling your expectations. Once you realize that your happiness is your own responsibility, within the limits of common sense and normal ethics, it's just a matter of adjusting your course of actions accordingly. Voila: Instant realistic expectations and happiness, requiring just a tiny amount of blood, sweat and tears (preferably your own, for once).


I would totally reitterate what this person just said. 

And to add to that, I would say start by accepting what you have (i.e. your weight). Perhaps what you perceive as failures in your life, because you may not match up to your own ideal self, you are projecting your high expectations of yourself to other people and things. Even though rationally you know in the end of the day it's not that big of a deal. I feel like perhaps this sadness with generally everything, or disappointment, may be actually about yourself. So start off with yourself, and try accepting every part of yourself the way it is. Change your ideal self to be more realistic by focusing on goals that are internal, personality characteristics (i.e. always be kind, be forgiving, be patient etc), instead of focusing on external physical goals (i.e. to weigh less and fit in with media's perception of beauty). Gradually you will have a happier disposition with everything as your ideal self and your actual self will be overlapping more. 

Weight is not important unless it is affecting your health adversely. People may not be dancing with you because they feel this general vibe that you give off, which may seem quite demanding and on guard rather than humble and free. People respond to others who seem confident and open, and content with themselves not because they have a 'hot sexy body'. In fact a guy would probably have more trouble asking a girl he fancies to dance than a girl he doesn't fancy, because that person will make them feel all nervous and shy, and they will be intimidated by their beauty. So the point is to look friendly, feel friendly and confident, and radiate happiness and acceptance. The rest of the world will follow.


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## chickydoda (Feb 12, 2010)

Word Dispenser said:


> You should create your own list that doesn't have to do with the expectations of other people. How is being a bridesmaid an accomplishment?


I just mentioned I have a bucket list, lol. I have so many expectations that are so ingrained in me that I would have trouble naming most of them, because I don't initially realise they are there.

Being a bridesmaid isn't an accomplishment, but its an experiance I would like to have.


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## StraightCrushin (Dec 20, 2011)

Yup. I agree with CrabbyPaws about accepting yourself. I see you doubting yourself and it's because you have an external locus of control. Your feelings are being controlled by external things. I don't blame you though; when everything around you is going right and clicking exactly as you planned, it makes you feel VERY VERY good. But when these same things don't go as planned and everything is blowing up in your face, it can leave you feeling VERY VERY low and even depressed (which leads to a plethora of other problems like low-self esteem); and living like that just isnt sustainable.

But you are in luck. Having an internal locus of control can be done if you work at it. It will leave you confident and much more resilient in handling the ups and downs of life.



Accept yourself for who you are. After you do this, you will notice that there are some aspects about yourself you can live with and some others you cant.
From this point on, realize there are things in your life you can't stand and that you are the only one who can fix them.
From this point on, since you are now aware of them, you are solely responsible for your sources of unhappiness. If they are still there, it is because you chose not to do anything about them.

You are in control of your own happiness and satisfaction in life.
This is the point where you'll move from having an external locus of control to an internal one.
Please don't continue to be a victim but take your place in this world as a creator Chicky.

Let me know how things go.


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## bellisaurius (Jan 18, 2012)

You can't change your viewpoint. That's a function of your life and your brain chemistry. Some people are melancholy, some people optimistic, some think there's always something better around the corner. 

It may sound strange, but maybe you just need to spend more time inside your head introspecting, as opposed to getting outside opinions. I say this because the outside ones are easily accepted because you agree with them, or easily disgarded if you don't. It's harder to throw away an introspection that quickly, especially the negative ones. 

I have a theory. Maturity comes from of two things, lots of time interacting with the world, or lots of time inside one's head. It sounds like you have a reasonably active outside life, which means maybe you need more time asking yourself the hard questions, and banging your head against the desk until it starts to make sense.


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## CrabbyPaws (Mar 5, 2012)

Also if you do want to lose weight, I feel that having a goal such as 'losing weight' is an unrealistic one, and it is a very high expectation. Well I don't know about high expectation, but I mean it is a goal that places too much pressure on someone.
When I was losing weight, I would constantly remind myself that my goal is to "be healthy" and that meant being healthy on the inside no matter what happened on the outside, because that was what was important to me. (i.e my organs working properly) 
So I focused on 'eating healthy' rather than 'being on a diet'. This way, I took on a whole lifestyle change, not just a diet, not just a quick fix, and while perservering through times that were hard (craving lots), I reminded myself it's for a 'better cause', to be healthy, rather than 'I want to be skinny so people will love me'. (Although I did ofcourse treat myself every now and then, a healthy lifestyle is a balanced one!)

I'm not saying I tricked myself, I _did_ intially change my lifestyle to have a better, healthier lifestyle, nothing to do with weight. However when you see your weight changing, going down, you may sometimes get too absorbed in that side-effect and begin to actually get unhealthy again (i.e. oh no I shouldn't treat myself, omg I'm a horrible person for having cake, feeling guilty for eating this, feeling guilty for eating that.) So I want to say that if you do want to 'lose weight', don't. If you want to be healthier and see changes in your life, change your life-style completely and focus on a good, balanced sense of fulfillment. Feed your body with things that give you nutrition, not less calories. Give your body vitamins and protein and things that help it work and make you feel full and satisfied. I don't care what anybody says, a good favourite home-cooked meal is better than any McDonalds. And don't worry about portion, a nice overflowing plate of home-cooked goodness is infinitely better than any small amount of take-away or junk food. 

This way you will actually learn a lot of values along the way, you will learn that patience is a virtue, and rewards are actually more satisfying when you keep them as rewards instead of regular treats (i.e. on your reward day once a week you get to eat whatever you want). You'll see changes with your immune system, you will be less sick, feel less sluggish, have more energy, and if you do exercise here and there you will feel endorphins flowing. You will learn to be patient because you don't actually see the changes straight away, you notice them in the long run (i.e. "Hey I haven't been ill in a while." or "Hey these jeans don't fit me anymore" or when shopping for a new dress you feel it fit differently. NOT checking on the scales 24/7.. you have to remind yourself it's not about weight, it's about being healthy. I never weighed myself while changing my lifestyle until 1 year later.) And I cannot express the mental health benefits it has, they are indescribable. Discover the different delicious and arousing tastes fruit has. Fruits are great for snacking on as much as you want and there are so many you are bound to find a few that you love. Hell I started to feel like some kind of Greek Goddess changing my lifestyle, eating such rich food. And in fact, I noticed that I ate a lot more, and what I began eating didn't all mush into one bland flavour as it did with junk food.

So anyway what I must emphasise is that if you do want to see changes in your life, don't place little quick-fix goals on yourself that will only put pressure on you. Don't follow cliché goals that are associated with others expectations (i.e. being skinnier). Focus on a more deeper meaning, on harmony and health and your own well-being rather than the confirmation of others. And trust me when you start to feel changes, you will not allow yourself to go back because it will feel too good.


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