# ESFJ's: why do you fall hard into love, and then hard out of love so fast?



## SoulSauce (Mar 22, 2010)

Dated a couple of confirmed ESFJ men in my life, and here's what I noticed from them:

-They fall hard for me
-They are very committed and loyal when they do fall hard for me
-If we have one problem along the way, they are so quick to make up their mind about me and call our whole relationship off, with no reconsideration (Judging preference playing a role?) 
-They will stay in a relationship with me longer than they wanted to, because they're too afraid to break up with me and hurt my feelings. In other words, they're very indirect because they want to be tactful and not hurt my feelings (I used to confuse their indirectness with being manipulative and dishonest)
-They certainly were VERY manipulative and dishonest (were not faithful to me, carried on numerous relationships at the same time while putting on a display to the world that they were with only 1 woman when that was far from the truth, but didn't want the world to know about their infidelity and cheating behaviors; they were not honest to me about their motives and what they were looking for -- they only wasted my time). 
-When they get upset with me, they say very hurtful things to me -- attacking me on a very personal level such as name calling and cursing, or threatening to use legal measures (I find the tempers of ESFJ's -- at least ESFJ men -- to be very fiery and over-reacting). 
-When they get upset with me, they speak to me in a very condescending manner, like I am some little child.
-They still want to be friends with me after they tell me they don't want to be with me (and I mean, like BFF's)
-They love to love but also like to keep a distance between them and their significant other. 
-They tell me they want me out of their lives forever, and that our relationship is seriously done. Then, as time passes, they seem to change their mind and come back to me. WTF?
-I personally know and work with A LOT of confirmed ESFJ's (I'm a teacher) who are divorced, have a history of divorces, are separated, or they don't last too long in relationships in general. In addition, the ESFJ's I know are always the ones to initiate the break-up / divorce / separation.

So, these are my observations of just 2 ESFJ men I've been with (I am an INFP/INTP female) and also ESFJ's that I work with. 

ESFJ's: do you feel like you can relate to the above descriptions when you get in and out of a relationship? If so, why do you think you behave this way? What causes you to behave this way?


----------



## ThePersona (Nov 28, 2011)

ESFJs are normally loyal.. what you describe may be an ESFP or any P... which is generally more impulsive...

What type are you? if you're an NTP, SFJs find it hard to get along with this type


----------



## Thalassa (Jun 10, 2010)

Yeah I was wondering if your fascinating verbally abusive, distant exes were actually ESFPs. Although by "verbal abuse" I mean that I think it's pretty normal for Se/Te types to seem very suddenly, impulsively harsh and abrasive when they're mad. 

I am like this. My ESFP mom is like this. I get over it fast, though. My ENFJ sister is more likely to "stew" and bite towels and nag and be passive-aggressive. She thinks me, my mom, and my ExFP sister are completely out of control when we're upset or angry.

I've had an ISTJ complain that SFJ women are done when they're done, so that may be true. I am not typically "done" like that, unless I really didn't care about the guy to begin with. I've given exes or guys I've liked or loved zillions of chances when I calm down. I tend to be more flexible with my forgiveness, depending on how I genuinely feel inside.

For all I know, you're typing all your girlfriends as ESFJs because they're women, lol. Carrying on numerous relationships and having affairs doesn't sound very ESFJ to me AT ALL.

I was with an ESFJ for six years, and while he had an anger problem, he was always completely utterly faithful, and it took him forever to get over our relationship, because he knew I left him because he wouldn't get help for the anger problem, but thought if he kept being persistent and consistent without going to therapy, that I would come back anyway. That didn't happen, and so he just married someone else in October. Never got help for his violent fits of rage, so I'm sure she'll have fun with that. I don't think his anger is type related, though. I think it has more to do with him having an insanely hard time retrieving his Si and Fe from his upbringing, where his father was abusive.

The cheating doesn't sound very stereotypically SFJ at all...


Whoops! I just noticed that you said you're a woman and these are MEN....ha ha...okay...yeah...I still don't think the cheating thing is type related, and I've known plenty of Fe doms (ExFJs) who are very diplomatic and better at handling conflict than myself.


----------



## Thalassa (Jun 10, 2010)

I also want to say I've never felt this "distance" with an SFJ guy, either....they're usually quite attentive, like the sort of guy who checks in and calls and is affectionate. 

I have had SJ men be very condescending with me, though. Like SJ knows best!!! 

Hmmm...can you tell me more about these guys? How they demonstrate love? What their priorities are?


----------



## LiquidLight (Oct 14, 2011)

I'm with @fourtines on SFJs and cheating, seems slightly out-of-character (but every circumstance is unique). I knew an ESFJ girl that cheated on her boyfriend but felt awful about it (never came clean of course...Fe-dom) but ended the relationship. 

Looping ESFJ might be a different story. Fe+Ne might be deadly in someone immature especially a younger immature male.


----------



## Thalassa (Jun 10, 2010)

LiquidLight said:


> I'm with @fourtines on SFJs and cheating, seems slightly out-of-character (but every circumstance is unique). I knew an ESFJ girl that cheated on her boyfriend but felt awful about it (never came clean of course...Fe-dom) but ended the relationship.
> 
> Looping ESFJ might be a different story. Fe+Ne might be deadly in someone immature especially a younger immature male.


Yes, Fe/Ne can be terrible, but when my ex was in Fe/Ne loops he still never cheated. It was a complete affront to his Fe. He thought cheaters had no soul. Also VERY loyal to family, no matter what they did, or how dysfunctional they were. 

When he was Fe/Ne he just seemed way too extroverted, annoying, and narcissistic. I didn't like him when he was like that. It scared me.


----------

