# Anyone on Personality Cafe Estranged From Their Family?



## o0india0o (Mar 17, 2015)

Hi Personality Cafe members!

I was wondering if any of you were estranged from your immediate family members (mom, dad, siblings, etc.. .)? Both my husband and I came from dysfunctional family systems, and recently we both had to cut ties with them due to their refusal to stop their abusive behavior.

It's been really hard for me (it's been about 4 months), I was always the type of person to stick around the abuse to keep the relationship. But once my husband and I began considering starting a family of our own;; I just could not put children through that.

Has anyone been through this? Does it get easier? Did you find a "surrogate" family to spend holidays with or to take you in and spend time with? Any advice and tips?

Please and Thank You!


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## petite libellule (Jul 4, 2012)

My father's side of the family was close once upon a time. Family drama (I wasn't involved in what broke this closeness apart). It circulated about money and inheritance and greed. My father was cut off on father's day a few years back. He brought it upon himself. Seriously. My mom is super messed up though in the head in a co dependent way so I would totally cut her off if I could. She's controlling but I no lie am mean to her - I just am above and beyond wise to her bullshit and have boundaries so, too bad for her. In time I won't be at such close proximity so won't be so mean - I feel bad for her more than anything. Her family is normal but I'm not close with many due to isolation brought by both the evil Madre and my situation as is. 

Really, nothing isn't really anyone's "fault" because there's no such thing as bad or good people. Only people who do bad or good things. And no thing stays static so I don't really blame. However, being a 6w7, I bond by analyzing and problem solving and when I go back to something it is to learn something. I've learned people don't like that so I just don't bond close with people. Maybe I'll pair with someone who gets it. I'm not for the overly sensitive 


Now. As far as finding a surrogate family? No. I haven't. I have noticed that every male I've bonded with appeared to have good families and I would be lying if it wasn't a secret dream to end up with someone with a family. I have been getting close with a girl at work that has a group of friends that are all middle aged misfits and they're all in a family so to speak. 

It does get easier. And in a way, it doesn't. I do worry about my dad on occasion. He was a really good dad when I was little, and he's not a bad person. But over the last 30 years, I've seen him change into someone I don't want to know. I'm hypersensitive when it comes to people who heavily drink. I social drink all the time and drinking isn't a big deal but heavy drinking which is frankly not at all that common among responsible adults, is a trigger and can bring about the toughness that comes with remembering "wow. I pulled an Italian 'eh fu guhl' you're dead to me maneuver ". If he ever joined AA I would be his biggest cheerleader in a heart beat but I'm not holding my breath. I deserve better. That's what it's all about. Self esteem. You guys should know that it's okay to actively enforce that. Also, you look young. You'll continue to have babies and make friends with other moms and grow a family of your own. Maybe you won't. Either way, you're a survivalist in an animal kingdom of human. You should feel proud. 

HURT NO ONE & REFUSE TO TAKE SHIT. That's good sense to me.


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## Korra (Feb 28, 2015)

I suppose in a passive way, yes (if such a thing exists?)

I remember enjoying the company of my cousins when I was little, but as we got older, their parents drifted away. According to my dad, my aunt (his sister) started to become more and more 'protective' about her children. In what way? Well, my immediate family are non-religious. My aunt is apparently afraid we would 'infect' her children with 'bad' beliefs and what not. As a result, since my aunt is the older sibling between her and my dad, it seemed to have caused a ripple affect among other family members to be withdrawn too. 

It's heart wrenching to me that people, your family, do this kind of stuff when you mean no harm. I often wonder on a daily basis, "How are they doing? What are they even up to? College? Working? Weddings?" Shoot, I don't know. Do they even wonder about us? 

A rather isolating feeling.


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## o0india0o (Mar 17, 2015)

> However, being a 6w7, I bond by analyzing and problem solving and when I go back to something it is to learn something. I've learned people don't like that so I just don't bond close with people. Maybe I'll pair with someone who gets it. I'm not for the overly sensitive


Actually, me and one of my best friends (7w6) are this way as well! 
It's one of the things I like most about our friendship!
We listen to one another, but we also try to "fix" or "trouble-shoot" the situation.

This really isn't a situation I can trouble-shoot unfortunately (at least in the way where I get my family back;; they kind of have to decide to get healthy). I let them know that I love them, and only wanted the best for them. They didn't reciprocate the feeling;; and just don't seem to want to not hit me or otherwise take responsibility for their actions.

But we **could** problem solve about how to handle the situation moving forward. As a Type 7, I almost *never* "let go". It's such a foreign concept to me. I want something. I get it. Period.
Letting go is not a skill I learned, Ha Ha! :laughing:

I spent my whole life trying to hold onto my family. I know you're right about finding mommy friends, and starting our family (or at least I know you're right logically);; but right now it just feels bad. & I'd say we're fairly young, we're 28 years old.


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## blueandviolet (Feb 13, 2012)

This is a tough place to be in. I went through some difficult times with a family member, and I found therapy to be very helpful. 

(Just beware of any therapists who are alarmists and try to persuade you to do anything drastic (ie: cut off all contact forever, etc). Most therapists are professional, but a few can be way too hasty when it comes to family issues. If you choose to seek therapy, follow your gut, and try to find someone you connect well with.)

I wish you all the best! Some things will never be resolved, but learning to defend your own boundaries and protect yourself are important steps.


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## Jennywocky (Aug 7, 2009)

Well, I did get rejected by my dad (and I thought other members of my family) for the last five years of his life. He never did reconcile (I was willing, he wasn't -- he was good at holding grudges against many people). 

It turns out most of my family and I are in contact / get along now, and my mom and I are much closer than we ever were. So that's a positive. But I lost my dad, and my sister and I don't talk much, and for some time even before all that I had to pull away from all of my family because they were so dysfunctional I didn't have the space I needed to get my own sanity in place.

My dad was a chronic alcoholic, so everything was out of whack, and I still deal with remnants of that even now, although I've worked through an awful lot. It was hard with my mother being codependent and emotionally fragile, and his denial of his addiction, especially when I had young kids; I didn't want my mom not to see my children, but I didn't want them to be at risk either if my dad might do something stupid when drunk. (For example, he said he wanted to take them fishing when they were five, and I was just like, "If that is something you want to do, I need to be there with them." I wouldn't let my dad have them alone due to the safety issues, in case he was drunk.) He was actually decent with my kids, he loved them; but both my sister and I were in therapy trying to work through issues caused by my dad's drinking and all the related negative things that came along with that (including an affair he had at one point).

Anyway, to get to your questions: It gets to be a balancing act, I think. Everyone's situation is a little different. You just need to evaluate what you personally need to preserve your sanity and get healthy (figure out what a healthy relationship is, keep your marriage together, etc.), and then do what is necessary. However, rather leaving any trails of scorched earth, it's good to remember this is still your family and so it will always affect your life. And even bad parents usually did some good things -- just the fact we survived to adulthood says some positives. I tried to look at the kind of person it would make me if I lashed out or reacted out of anger, hatred, bitterness, a need for revenge, etc. I guess I am saying I wanted to maintain my own inner grace when dealing with my family, so I did install some boundaries but tried to not let myself hate them for the things I thought they had done or were doing wrong. I tried to forgive what I could. And I tried to be open if and when things changed on their end, so that we might actually have some kind of relationship.

If things with your family are such that you can't interact with them, then you would just need other support. Some people find this in church regardless of one's beliefs... it provides a strong social network. But you can develop relationships through membership in other groups or friends you've made over time (sometimes the parents of best friends know you well enough to provide a parental voice to you as well) or even just the neighborhood where you live. It's okay to ask for support (and offer it) where you can find it. those relationships are really helpful and meaningful.


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## IIIIII (Oct 2, 2013)

Yep, my mom most definitely, turned her back on me when I needed her the most, and then proceeded to sell me out to the FBI for fun and profit.


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## Clyme (Jul 17, 2014)

o0india0o said:


> Hi Personality Cafe members!
> 
> I was wondering if any of you were estranged from your immediate family members (mom, dad, siblings, etc.. .)? Both my husband and I came from dysfunctional family systems, and recently we both had to cut ties with them due to their refusal to stop their abusive behavior.
> 
> ...


I'm terribly estranged from both parents and from siblings of mine for similar reasons. I think it's really brave of you to make the choice that you did. I think it can often be difficult at first to cut ties, but it certainly is important to analyze the impact that they have on your life and on your life in the future, especially if you do plan on bringing children into the picture as well. In my experience, it certainly does get easier. I think the first six months to a year are often the most awkward and "strange". Strange is really the only way I can describe it, because whereas I didn't feel hurt by the absence (I felt very little due to the original nature of the relationship), it just felt like some common aspect to my life at been deeply misplaced. It was as though something quite familiar to be, despite being very negative, had suddenly vanished. That much was weird. It did, over time, become much more comfortable and ordinary that it did in the more recent months after separation. You certainly do get used to it. I found that I was able to be a much healthier person once I cut those ties as well, so it helped me personally too.

I have actually re-connected with my mother, someone who I cut out for about three to four years, but I maintain very minimal contact. I've met with her once since that time and I keep loose contact through email (this started a few months ago). I do it generally for her sake, not for my own. I think the important thing for me is to keep myself safely removed.

Anyway, I did indeed find a surrogate family. My wife's family is terrific and I've been generally accepted as one of them, so that's really who I've spent my time with. I must say though, I don't think finding a surrogate family is necessary. I think you make your own family, and you don't need anyone else necessarily, especially if you have each other. Simply because there is no extended family does not mean that your immediate family - consisting of your husband and future children - cannot be close. Often, I think because you both understand the extent of the circumstances you grew up in, you can form stronger and deeper ties with one another and your future children. I think that bond should certainly hold the strongest, more than any forced surrogate family could anyway.

This is all my subjective experience and interpretation though, so only take this as a reference point and certainly not as anything codified. I don't have children myself and I certainly don't plan on it, so I can't speak to that too well. I hope my perspectives have helped you in some way though. It certainly, certainly does get easier though.


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## stargazing grasshopper (Oct 25, 2013)

When I sever a connection with somebody cruel or abusive, it's complete & damn near permanent. That's extremely likely not due to anger or stubbornness but rather due to my refusal to repeat the same mistakes. Learn, move forward & live.
My father is a rageaholic, we haven't bothered with one another since he struck my toddler son nearly 20 years ago. I call my mom once or twice a week these days, but down inside I consider her an enabler that silently looked the other way while I endured abuse for at least the first decade of my life. I have an older brother that I haven't bothered with since my late teens.
My grandparents were my surrogate family, they were very open, loving & great role models for me.


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## DAPHNE XO (Jan 16, 2012)

Yeah, and it's having ripple effects on my not-so immediate family members, which kinda sucks but I'm sick to death of having the occasional "you need to talk to your mum/dad for your benefit" BS talk. I don't really care for either of them and I can't ever see myself doing so, soooo in the end it's easier to just avoid them all. I'm much happier this way and have no regrets to be honest. Having my peace of mind is the best feeling in the world!

edit: Oh and my freedom too! No more BS social expectation drama over people I really can't tolerate.


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## Golden Rose (Jun 5, 2014)

Not yet but I consider this as a very viable solution.
My family has always been abusive and toxic, age only made them re-arrange the ways in which it manifests. I'm going to return home and I'll have to deal with them some more.

As soon as I move to the USA I'll be (hopefully) able to cut them out of my life although many things in my life are falling apart. It might take a while but I'm very determined and it'll solve some of my other issues too.

Basically, it's a matter of pulling through and planning.


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## EndsOfTheEarth (Mar 14, 2015)

IIIIII said:


> ... and then proceeded to sell me out to the FBI for fun and profit.


Wut?


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## INTJellectual (Oct 22, 2011)

This is a good thread and many can relate.

My mother and I are always fighting over petty things and she usually say disparaging things that are very hurtful to me. She only sees through her own perspective, and her lack of empathy infuriates me. I was never a favorite in our family when I was a child although I should have been because I'm the eldest and the only girl. I never felt their care and love. All I knew is neglect.

I am a very sensitive child by nature, and without proper nurture, all these experiences and in-born weaknesses have developed into a mental illness I cant control and I am struggling every moment to fight it. I always imagine how to make her feel at least 1/10 of my feelings just to let her know, to understand what I am suffering with.

The only thing left to do is to never visit her or contact her as if we are strangers. I guess its a revenge? But I guess she'll never get hurt. I read a few articles regarding estrangement from family, and the adult children usually do it on purpose because of the deep pain they experience growing up. But in my case its not a total estrangement only partial, because I visit them when I need someone to look after my son.

And here comes Mother's Day. I don't greet my mother anymore when this time comes, and I don't greet her all the more when her birthday comes.


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## INTJellectual (Oct 22, 2011)

I found this on support group of mothers who are estranged from their adult children.


"Just Another Sunday"...


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## Doktorin Zylinder (May 10, 2015)

Both of my parents were disowned from their immediate families, so I thought they wouldn't engage in the same behavior, but they did, indeed. I came out to my family during dinner one night that I had planned and paid for. To be honest, I knew going in that there was a pretty high likelihood that I, too, was going to be disowned, but I couldn't live the lie anymore. I was right. I got disowned by both of my parents, my brother, and his wife for some pretty hefty religious reasons, or so I was told. I had to weigh the pros and cons of the situation before I did it, but I was just trying to rationalize it to myself and think that maybe they would be accepting of me. They weren't. That was a over a year ago. I haven't talked to them since. 

I'm a pretty solitary person, so I haven't found a surrogate family. A have only a few friends and none of them live near me. I think it gets better, but that may be because I don't miss people or things, really. I'd like to see them again, but it's up to them.


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## IIIIII (Oct 2, 2013)

InSolitude said:


> Wut?


Yep as it it turns out, my ex fiancee is an undercover narc for the FBI, she threatened my life, I took it seriously and told her what I would do to her if she came near me again. She then lied to police and told them I was crazy and doing bad stuff to her which she used that information to start an investigation on me, and I have been getting harassed by dirty feds every since.


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## IIIIII (Oct 2, 2013)

InSolitude said:


> Wut?


Of course instead of my telling them where they could put it, I.E. You better have a warrant and contacting Washington D.C., she decided to tell them every little dirty secret she could. Which they now use to try and fuck around with me.

I would have to say she wrote her own ticket on this one, I have no respect for her.


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## Fredward (Sep 21, 2013)

No but I would like to be. Wait, technically my sister took my cousins and split from the family after some shit went down. I wouldn't mind seeing them again or just know how it's going with them but you get over it. I grew up with those boys, there were like brothers. But you get over it. Given enough time you get over everything.


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## Schizoid (Jan 31, 2015)

Now isn't the right moment for me to cut ties yet, but I'm planning to do this in the future.


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## stiletto (Oct 26, 2013)

Estranged from father and his side of the family for a myriad of reasons.


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## RendingTempest (Apr 29, 2015)

I am Estranged from my Fathers side of my family (Which includes 3 half sisters) but not for any negative reasons just how things played out


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## Athesis (Sep 2, 2012)

I'm not close to ANYONE in my biological family 
Probably why I feel lonely all the time, feel the need for attention, have narcissistic self centered traits...


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## DreamersInGraves (Mar 9, 2015)

I'm estranged from my grandmother, great-aunt, aunt, and cousin on my father's side of my family and pretty much everyone on my mother's side except for my mother, grandmother, and uncle. Both sides of my family are extremely judgmental, close-minded, and abusive. I can't recall when the abuse started but it has left a permanent mark on me that I struggle to get past everyday.

I wish I could tell you it gets easier and everything falls into place but it doesn't. After I had cut my toxic family out of my life, I nearly broke my back trying to get on my feet and that really put a strain on mine and my husband's relationship. I was constantly drinking, we were always arguing about my drinking, there was no physical or emotional intimacy, sleepless nights were pretty common, and we were on the brink of breaking up. The only thing that made it easier was, despite our never-ending bickering, my husband never gave up on me.

My husband and I wound up spending the holidays with his family and would invite my parents over so it would be just a big gathering. Maybe you can find some friends who understand your situation and can take you in?

The only advice I can give you is to stay strong and keep in mind that you deserve better. Just because you are related by blood does not mean you have to like them. Love them like family, treat them with dignity, but you don't have to deal with them. It's going to be hard but you can make it through.


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## Halcyon (Jun 21, 2013)

To put it simply, yes. I hardly talk to either of my parents and I live with them so that's kind of impressive.


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## Playful Proxy (Feb 6, 2012)

I've never been close to or spent much time with anyone who was not from my immediate family, and on top of this, I am considering when I can financially support myself (in the upcoming year or two), to break ties with my immediate family. There is a lot of drama going on, and both me and my boyfriend didn't come from great homes to begin with and now with this happening, I'm nearly to the point of wanting to never speak to them again. My only worry is that when my parents do get older and need support, and I feel responsible to care for them, but at the same time, I also am not really looking forward to having them near me and having to go back through all the trauma they have put me through. So for me, it's this fight of "I need away from them, permanently, but I need to do the right thing and ensure they are cared for."


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## FlaviaGemina (May 3, 2012)

My mother has a personality disorder (probably Borderline and/or something on the schizophrenic spectrum), which she refuses to acklowledge and get treatment for. She came from a dysfunctional family herself, so that explains it, but it doesn't excuse her abusive behaviour.
My brother and me both acted as her therapist for years, to no avail. She acts out the behaviour her father inflicted on her and her mother when she was young and is in complete denial about it. E.g. her father beat her mother and her. She broke of contact with her father because he would physically attack her even when she was over 20. Yet, she used to beat me and she'd always have an excuse, like I deserve it because I'm like my dad. 
She also psychologically abuses my dad, saying that he has no social skills and is like an autist. (He's a manager who is popular with his team, she is a hermit who has driven away even her few long-term friends with her self-righteousness). 

So I finally broke off contact with my parents altogether a few years ago and it's the best thing I've ever done. My life is so much better without my mother.
It's a shame I can't keep in touch with my dad, but until he mans up and sticks her in therapy for her own good, it's just not worth the bother.


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## FlaviaGemina (May 3, 2012)

What's actually more difficult than cutting ties with abusive parents is dealing with over-familiar peopl who ask stupid questions based on stereotypes like "Yay, it's Christmas, are you going to visit your mum/ parents?".

Even if you are evasive they don't get it and keep asking you. If you don't want to share your story with them, there's not much you can do apart from a) lie, b) hope that they'll go away and make up their own happy-clappy story without much input from you.

Many people don't understand that getting rid of an abusive family is better than having that family. They might live in a happier family (or their family might be just as dysfunctional but they put up with it because they have this idealized notion of FAMILY), so they just think it's terrible to 'lose' your FAMILY. Of course it would be terrible for them to lose their happy family. But if you haven't even got such a family, there isn't all that much to lose.


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## FlaviaGemina (May 3, 2012)

Regarding holidays: There are statistics that show that most domestic abuse takes place during holidays like Christmas. I don't know about your parents, but this is certainly true of my mother. Christmas is when she gets drunk, beats or verbally abuses her children and her husband.
The thing is that people have these idealized expectations of the holidays and it always falls flat because everyone has different ideas and they are all locked up together in the house where they can be abusive. Nobody is allowed to leave and escape from the abuse "because it's Christmas and family time." 
I suggest you should focus on getting along with your husband and your future children throughout the year and not expect too much of holidays. I don't think Jesus would want people to pin all their hopes on that one day of the year.


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