# INFJs and One-Sided Friendships



## electraheart (Oct 13, 2013)

Hi there! I'm not 100% sure this is the correct forum, so hopefully it is. I couldn't decide!

I'm INFJ, and recently I've been thinking a lot about this idea I've had. For the purpose of this discussion, I'd like the topic to be friendships only, not romantic relationships. In my opinion there are deep friendships and surface friendships. A surface friendship would be one where you occasionally hang out, have fun, etc. You don't need to discuss personal matter, it's just a lighthearted relationship. A deep friendship would be one where you talk about important things, support each other, tell secrets, etc. I'm specifically referring to deep friendships as I don't think this applies to surface friendships.

Imagine that each deep friendship has 100% love, attention, concern, care, communication, etc. All of the things that you find important. A beneficial, healthy friendship should have 50/50, or close. Friend X might receive 80% while Friend Y only gets 20% in X's time of need, but later when Y needs 80%, X is happy to oblige. 50/50, right? OK. So, a one-sided friendship might be where X is constantly giving 70%+ but only receiving 30%- from Y. Not just in Y's time of need, but ALL of the time. Perhaps some people could maintain that and be OK, and some people never could. I'd like to know what you think! Here are my thoughts:

I think a one-sided friendship would be very, very difficult for an INFJ. I think if they cared enough about the person they'd stay in the relationship, but it would be a serious drain for them. I know, because I'm in a one-sided friendship right now, but I can't imagine leaving her or pulling back at all. I'm wondering, in theory, could an INFJ have a one-sided friendship that drains them, but then have another friendship that boosts them up? Would it balance out? I know it depends on the individuals involved, but this idea fascinates me.

~electraheart


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## Manifestation (Jul 4, 2013)

Hmmm. There are a lot of variables here. 

The way I see it.... Once someone tugs on my heartstrings, they are entangled with me. Helping them, supporting them, giving them perspective- anything I can offer up to them to help them is it's own reward. 

It is only a drain, if they come to EXPECT me to behave in such a way, like they are entitled and bereft of gratitude... That usually doesn't happen though because I'm good at maintaining distance when I feel the "one-sidedness" you speak of. Which, if it's there, it tends to be a constant, and I don't allow the development of such a relationship...

I need reciprocated effort. Doesn't have to be specific, just some testimony of mutual consideration.


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## Volant (Oct 5, 2013)

I think a one-sided friendship would be difficult for pretty much everybody. :|


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## Le Beau Coeur (Jan 30, 2011)

The concept of a one-sided friendship seems interesting as I view the concept of "friendship" as something that is supposed to be symbiotic. I feel that without this symbiosis the "friendship" takes on a new title. 

I personally have almost no tolerance for this kind of situation and have dealt with it in the past.


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## Manifestation (Jul 4, 2013)

Hey, I think this ties into healthy friendships. 






Since, "*Feedback is a process in which information about the past or the present influences the same phenomenon in the present or future. As part of a chain of cause-and-effect that forms a circuit or loop, the event is said to "feed back" into itself." *


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## electraheart (Oct 13, 2013)

I think that it's just hard for some people like myself to walk away from a one-sided friendship when you already care about the person. It's almost impossible for me to just not care or worry.


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## Le Beau Coeur (Jan 30, 2011)

electraheart said:


> I think that it's just hard for some people like myself to walk away from a one-sided friendship when you already care about the person. It's almost impossible for me to just not care or worry.


You sound like a very kind person. You deserve kindness and friendship too.


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## Jwing24 (Aug 2, 2010)

These are the only relationships I've known, other than one year in college. 

Seriously. Maybe it's why I have 1 friend now and haven't made a huge effort to have any.


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## pearlgirl87 (Oct 7, 2013)

Personally speaking, absolutely not. It wouldn't last long being one-sided. I would still care about the person, but I wouldn't hold the relationship very high anymore.


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## Protagoras (Sep 12, 2010)

I do not like how you think of friendships as being zero-sum games... That is a wrong conceptualization of friendship to begin with... It is not as if friendship is something like an amount of gains that gets to be distributed among the participants in the "game of friendship", i.e. the friends. You are not playing against each other when you are friends, and if it feels as though you are, then that should ring a little alarm bell. For a good friendship is one in which you usually feel as though you are both giving and getting the full 100% of the love, attention, concern, care, communication, etc.; all the things you find important in that friendship.


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## stormgirl (May 21, 2013)

electraheart said:


> I think a one-sided friendship would be very, very difficult for an INFJ. I think if they cared enough about the person they'd stay in the relationship, but it would be a serious drain for them. I know, because I'm in a one-sided friendship right now, but I can't imagine leaving her or pulling back at all. I'm wondering, in theory, could an INFJ have a one-sided friendship that drains them, but then have another friendship that boosts them up? Would it balance out? I know it depends on the individuals involved, but this idea fascinates me.
> ~electraheart


I think INFJs are particularly vulnerable to those who are essentially emotional vampires. While I understand the desire to want to be there for someone you care about, I think there are ways to begin to put up some boundaries without having to completely walk away. Even in a truly healthy friendship that is 50/50, it’s not uncommon for one party to be going through a difficult time where they require more energy and time from the other. That is a normal part of friendship to have give and take. But if it’s consistently one-sided, you will likely end up very drained making it difficult to not only continue to be there for that individual, but also for others in your life, and most importantly for yourself. It’s not selfish to put your own health and happiness first in your life. You can’t help others if you don’t take care of yourself!


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## Pinkieshyrose (Jan 30, 2013)

One sided relationships? I never had one really I think all people are natrually cautious of giving pepole information first then as time goes on you let it out. Kind of like a flower blooming and opening its bud. Of course somtimes internet relationships can only go so far.
Im not a infj infact im quite futher from a INFj but its sounds like it could work. Though as I said those one sided relationships I really dont belive in those friendships they do not sound like freindships. I wouldnt qualify that as a friendship. I would qualify that as being used or a false freindship.


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