# Can Men and Women Be JUST friends??



## HalfwayThere (Aug 30, 2012)

Its the legendary BIG topic of debate! I know its probably been asked before, but do you honestly think that men and women can be close/best friends without there EVER being a possibility of one wanting something more(given that everyone is straight) or developing feelings for the other? 

Can Men and Women Be "Just Friends"? | Psychology Today
How do I know if my guy friend likes me? | ARGville

I ask this because after looking at patterns in my own life and doing a ton of research online, the conclusion seems to be no. The thought seems nice and great, but it seems like we're psychologically wired to want more.

Tell me what you think!


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## ai.tran.75 (Feb 26, 2014)

I have many guy friends more than girl friends . True some were attracted to me at first but eventually we bc friends - others treat me like one of the guys. Although I'm feminine , it's much easier for me to communicate with men than women (don't get me wrong I love hanging out with my girls ) but it has always been easier for me to communicate with guy friends. My best guy friend and I are definitely not attracted to one another though we both find each other physically attractive - but we trat each other like family and would always make an effort to be friends with whomever we're dating . He lived in my house for 3 months before to protect me from a stalker- we do love each other but it's extremely platonic .Another close friend of mine I knew since jr high and we have zero attraction to one another . Most of my guy friends are very attractive but I've never thought romantically about any of them - my partner BFF is a girl and I know that they have no attraction towards one another - so yes men and women can be just friends - 


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## Wellsy (Oct 24, 2011)

I think there is cultural pressure that makes it harder.
The whole men are all horned up and rearing to go which can create a push on people when they don't act out to this norm creates problems. Any interaction between a man and a woman of similar age is often assumed to have sexual intention, things aren't static so they could change into that but I think it messes things up when it's assumed that's the only reason for people of any sex to associate with one another.

To me sounds more like people equate being attracted to having to act on that attraction.
But at the same time, things aren't static, there have been women who were friends that I developed feelings for, when it wasn't mutual, we remained friends.
There are also women for whom neither of us have ever been attracted to one another and may never will.


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## Mr.Adrian (Oct 11, 2010)

Yes we can. 

Look at the little boys and girls playing with each other. That is before they get into the whole sexualized adult world. There is the idea that boys and girls need to reproduce, and that is the sole purpose of it all. While this is all dandy, we have also a social component to our life to fulfil. Now, the thing that makes me refrain from having a lot of female friends is that they overdramatize a lot of things. If they do not, BFF!!! <3 <3 <3


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## UnicornRainbowLove (May 8, 2014)

I am sure there are tons of examples of it. Especially if you do not find your friend attractive it is easy. Of course often there is a slight attraction simply because.. well, boy girl interaction, but that doesn't mean that any of them have any intention of flirting. All it takes is a bit of self control


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## JustLikeHoney (Sep 8, 2011)

Sure, platonic love can be as strong as love for a partner.


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## Kitty.diane (May 12, 2014)

My very best friend! Long distance even. We talk every day. And support each other through hard times. He is amazing! And of all types surprisingly an ISTJ. I tell him often that he is the world's most intuitive ISTJ. 


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## Im FiNe (Oct 17, 2013)

That's a tricky question. I think that some men in given contexts can be friends with some women.

If both see themselves as asexual or demisexual, then I believe that the possibility for platonic friendship is more probable.
If one or both have a moderate to high sex drive, then I would speculate that maintaining a "friendship-only" status becomes increasingly difficult as time goes by unless:

One or both were married when they met; or,
Neither finds the other sexually attractive.


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## DAPHNE XO (Jan 16, 2012)

*Long answer:* I think it depends on the similarity of the two in question and the length of the friendship. It's very hard to stay neutral with someone whose spent so much time with you, seen you at your best and at your worst and is very similar to you. The fondness that builds from such a relationship could easily become "love" for all intents and purposes.

However, on the short term, it's very likely that attraction can taint what would/could have been mutual platonic friendship.

*Short answer:* depends on a multitude of factors.


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## SweetPickles (Mar 19, 2012)

Yes it's possible, I see it all the time but most if not all my friends are women. I have tried the friendship thing with guys in the past and it doesn't seem to work. My husband and I have couples we regularly hang out with but I'm usually better friends with the wife/girlfriend. For example, I don't think I'd call another man and idly chit chat or go grab some lunch.


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## Makoa (Jul 3, 2014)

I think it's possible.

If people go into friendships without extra motives. 

Usually there's some attraction though and someone ends up getting hurt, when closeness and connection get confused with attraction.


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

There are lines that can be crossed that don't exist with friends who are not of your sexual preference. Not even being attracted someone, there is a level of restraint in conversations made in sexual topics, it is bothersome when there are restraints.


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## Kitty.diane (May 12, 2014)

Grandmaster Yoda said:


> There are lines that can be crossed that don't exist with friends who are not of your sexual preference. Not even being attracted someone, there is a level of restraint in conversations made in sexual topics, it is bothersome when there are restraints.


I completely disagree that this is the case 100% of the time. 


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## Protagoras (Sep 12, 2010)

Of course they can be. To claim otherwise is to promote an unwarranted, and possibly 'self-fulfilling', form of essentialism. 

The only reason why men and women could not 'just be friends' – which is already an assumptious way of putting it – is their own contingent conviction that they could not be.

There is nothing about being a man or a women that makes it necessarily impossible for someone to have a Platonic relationship with someone of the opposite sex or gender.


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

Kitty.diane said:


> I completely disagree that this is the case 100% of the time.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Particularly when you first meet someone. Anyway it's really a personal restraint for me. It is true that it doesn't happen with everyone and maybe fewer than most.


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## C. C. Scott (Jun 9, 2014)

I don't even like that this is a common question. It isn't even that hard to be friends with the opposite sex, hell half the time I get along with girls easier then guys.

I mean unless you're trying to bang every one who has the opposite sexual equipment where does the awkwardness come from? 

Even girls I have had a sexual relationship with I still consider friends, whether we dated or not. (this is a generalization not a rule--I've broken a heart or two myself)


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## MattMannion (Feb 12, 2014)

The second article made some good points. I feel like most people are very focused on the "goal" and not just enjoying the company of someone they have things in common with. To say that men and women can't befriends more often than not is just not true though, i find that to be a really over-arching statement that shouldn't be said. that's just my opinion, though.


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## Makoa (Jul 3, 2014)

MattMannion said:


> The second article made some good points. I feel like most people are very focused on the "goal" and not just enjoying the company of someone they have things in common with. To say that men and women can't befriends more often than not is just not true though, i find that to be a really over-arching statement that shouldn't be said. that's just my opinion, though.


Maybe it has to do with how honest we are with ourselves or how we process friendships vs. love interests?

I went through it with a particular lady who I really enjoyed being around, we had a certain chemistry and understanding, level of respect, and I think we strongly respected and were intrigued with one anothers interests.. I'm Philosophy person, she was a Physics person. 

As much as I wanted her to be in my small circle of people I was really friends with, and as much potential as we had, it started off with attraction which eventually got in the way of our friendship, it turned out honesty and masks was another thing. What was weird was we were both attracted to one another and we both felt sexual tension, but neither of us wanted to go there. The attraction seemed to get in the way of a real friendship, and in the end there was a lot of deception because of attraction that I just couldn't deal with. And I realized.. 

A friend, to me at least is someone who reciprocates and who we have deep connections with for extended/ extended periods of time. If someone is seriously my friend there aren't too many things I wont do for them. There is a difference between a friend and someone whose more a fake friend or an acquaintance who you just sort of dump and don't fix things up with. Maybe it's an INFJ thing, but attraction gets in the way of friendship because jealousy and push pull tactics tend to be things guys and girls use on one another, I think on a subconscious level when we are attracted. 

I have one female friend like this outside of family that I would be there for if she needed help or wanted to talk, no questions. 

I think there is a difference between long lasting real friendships and just sort of keeping potential hookups around that we are attracted to.


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## MattMannion (Feb 12, 2014)

Makoa said:


> Maybe it has to do with how honest we are with ourselves or how we process friendships vs. love interests?
> 
> I went through it with a particular lady who I really enjoyed being around, we had a certain chemistry and understanding, level of respect, and I think we strongly respected and were intrigued with one anothers interests.. I'm Philosophy person, she was a Physics person.
> 
> ...


yeah, sure i understand what you are saying here. thanks for sharing that, it was insightful. thank you


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## knightlevante (May 26, 2012)

Why not? I even get along better with male pals than with fellow females. Most of my friends are male, we often do many things together. I remembered back when I was Freshman in High School, I play PlayStation games with my boy friends. We played 2D Anime Fighting Games and PES at that time, and I really enjoyed it. I love the feeling of competition with different-gendered friends. 

I'm a moderate-to-high game addict. I'm one of people who believe that gaming is not only for children. Male friend seems to understand my game addict better than female friends.


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## ae1905 (Jun 7, 2014)

I've found it's the women who have made it difficult to have platonic relationships since they more often than not imagine that I have some intentions towards them even when I don't--and I usually don't for a variety of reasons. The problem arises because I'm friendly and I don't mention any of the negative opinions I have about them, many of which are the reasons I'm not interested. So they get the wrong idea about my attitude towards them, one I can't correct without offending them and jeopardizing the friendship. So I just let them think what they want.


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## ai.tran.75 (Feb 26, 2014)

ae1905 said:


> I've found it's the women who have made it difficult to have platonic relationships since they more often than not imagine that I have some intentions towards them even when I don't--and I usually don't for a variety of reasons. The problem arises because I'm friendly and I don't mention any of the negative opinions I have about them, many of which are the reasons I'm not interested. So they get the wrong idea about my attitude towards them, one I can't correct without offending them and jeopardizing the friendship. So I just let them think what they want.


I see this a lot. A few of my close guy friends got accused for crushing on girls that don't like - but they don't flat out deny it in fear of hurting ones feeling . But at the same time - a lot of guys think I crushed on them bc I'm extremely interested in what they say and I look in a person eyes when I talk . But I do see this happening a lot to guys , before I married my husband people thought he was hitting on everyone just bc he's flirtatious 


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## missy12 (Feb 19, 2013)

eh, it's true that I've had friends in the past that came to like me or the other way around, but I have guy friend still to this day that was just a platonic friendship. We never had feelings for each other at least to my knowledge.


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## Mscob (Jul 1, 2014)

In an ideal world with highly self-actualized individuals I'd say yes. 

When I was younger I hung out with a lot of guy friends. I trusted them more than most females. However, if I'm being totally honest, there was typically 1 guy in the group that I had feelings towards. I was not typically attracted to the rest of them and seemed to join that group because of the attraction to the 1 'lead' guy. I knew there were a few others within that group that were attracted to me but I kept them at arms length and did not confide my personal issues with them like I did with the one I was attracted to. 

My husband has 1 best friend and I met them both at the same time. That relationship with the best friend is more like brother/ family. Yes, I am concerned for his welfare and will screw up any girl that hurts him but I will never be attracted to him. 

Looking back on when I was younger I would have definitely said yes but introspecting on my behavior now that I am older tells me differently. 

Marriage and total commitment makes you think about these issues differently than being single. It's really a matter of risk factor or if you are willing to put yourself in a position where there could be a possible compromise. I am not willing to compromise. 

My husband on the other hand has seen nothing wrong with personal friendships with females and has allowed them to confide. And they have in turn personally attached themselves to him. He was blindsided and had no clue how things led to certain issues. These girls / women were needy and looking for attention. He was oblivious to the patterns. It has caused problems. 

We are now both highly aware of where these issues are. So maybe one day it may be possible but at this point I only believe in a perfect world scenario.


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## Stasis (May 6, 2014)

Is it possible? Yes.

Is it wise? Eh.


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## knightlevante (May 26, 2012)

EDLC said:


> Is it possible? Yes.
> 
> Is it wise? Eh.


You must be thinking it's unwise. I'd like to know why do you think so.


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## ladypancake (Apr 20, 2014)

I used to think so. But recently I've looked back at my own group of friends and realized that most of our underlying motivation to hang out was some sort of sexual tension. It's natural, I suppose.

Also, I've always been fascinated with the world of male friendships. Female friendships have a completely different dynamic and are often very underhandedly political. However, I will never be one of the guys, so long as I have an X chromosome. It seems to me that men naturally create hierarchies without much conflict and women are constantly at war to be Queen Bee. This is why I always wanted to have more male friends.

Edit: I could be wrong about male dynamics, feel free to correct me if I am.


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## Stasis (May 6, 2014)

knightlevante said:


> You must be thinking it's unwise. I'd like to know why do you think so.


Friendships are often based on attraction. The attraction may not always be physical, maybe you have the same interests or beliefs, but there is attraction and where there is attraction, there is a strong possibility of developing deeper feelings.

I wouldn't count it as wise to enter a friendship knowing that you could fall for someone unless that feeling is mutual. And, if the feeling is not mutual, then you are setting yourself up by befriending them.

I will say though, the idea of befriending someone while having some sort of thing for them is awfully deceptive. I've lost count on how many people I've cut off for that very reason.


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## Antipode (Jul 8, 2012)

A "friend"? Of course. Friendship is easy.

A "best friend"? Not so easy. When a male and a female are best friends, it's usually because one has feelings for the other, and the other isn't responding to them. Thus creating the close bond.

God forbid if the non-responding one suggests becoming sex buddies... calamity strikes.


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## ai.tran.75 (Feb 26, 2014)

Antipode said:


> A "friend"? Of course. Friendship is easy.
> 
> A "best friend"? Not so easy. When a male and a female are best friends, it's usually because one has feelings for the other, and the other isn't responding to them. Thus creating the close bond.
> 
> God forbid if the non-responding one suggests becoming sex buddies... calamity strikes.


One of my best friend is a guy and we have zero attraction to one another- in HS we were always hanging out and he even lived in my house for 3 months. I see him as a brother and he feels the same towards me. My husband is BFF with a girl(she became my friend as well) he see her as a "homie" and probably enjoys her company over mine . I'm quite shock that there are people out there who believe this 


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## TheSeer91 (Nov 2, 2010)

Yes
If you can have a civil relationship with your sister or brother you can have a platonic relationship with a women or gut lol. Its not that hard, although super charismatic and sexy folk (I know these are relative standards) may have some issues especially in 18-25 range where everyone is trying to get their groove on.

That is all…..


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## Antipode (Jul 8, 2012)

ai.tran.75 said:


> One of my best friend is a guy and we have zero attraction to one another- in HS we were always hanging out and he even lived in my house for 3 months. I see him as a brother and he feels the same towards me. My husband is BFF with a girl(she became my friend as well) he see her as a "homie" and probably enjoys her company over mine . I'm quite shock that there are people out there who believe this


Your exception to my observations were fresh and nice... until the condescending last line.

Thanks for the dialogue.


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## rosered89 (Nov 12, 2013)

The jury is still out for me on that one. My belief is that women can view a man as a friend, but i am not sure it works the other way around. When i split for a short period with a previous boyfriend, ALL my male friends mysteriously declared their romantic feelings towards me. So maybe they were just waiting for a chance to get with me.


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## Kizuna (Jul 30, 2011)

in person - no
over the internet - yes


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## kenshi (Jun 9, 2014)

I would say it's possible, but not very likely. It would be necessary that neither person develop romantic feelings for the other, and if they're capable of becoming and remaining friends, there has to be some compatibility so what's to keep it from going a step further? I think it would most likely happen when two people do date initially but realize quickly that they're not each other's type yet stay in contact.

I really don't get situations where one person has feelings for another but the feeling isn't reciprocated, so they both decide to be friends. If I have romantic interest in someone but she doesn't in me, friends is the last thing I want to be. Along the same lines is the situation where they've been friends for a while and one wants to become more but the other doesn't want to ruin the friendship... Does anyone really believe the friendship has a hope in hell of persisting when one has romantic feelings for the other and was turned down?


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## knightlevante (May 26, 2012)

EDLC said:


> Friendships are often based on attraction. The attraction may not always be physical, maybe you have the same interests or beliefs, but there is attraction and where there is attraction, there is a strong possibility of developing deeper feelings.
> 
> I wouldn't count it as wise to enter a friendship knowing that you could fall for someone unless that feeling is mutual. And, if the feeling is not mutual, then you are setting yourself up by befriending them.
> 
> I will say though, the idea of befriending someone while having some sort of thing for them is awfully deceptive. I've lost count on how many people I've cut off for that very reason.


...I've actually heard about this 'deeper feeling'-kind before *rolls eyes*
Problem is: What if you are gay or lesbian? I don't think they can develop deeper feelings toward the opposite sex. They can have many friends of both gender, but I doubt if there's even the attraction among them. Clearly no mutual feelings there. Does it mean they are being unwise?


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## Stasis (May 6, 2014)

knightlevante said:


> ...I've actually heard about this 'deeper feeling'-kind before *rolls eyes*
> Problem is: What if you are gay or lesbian? I don't think they can develop deeper feelings toward the opposite sex. They can have many friends of both gender, but I doubt if there's even the attraction among them. Clearly no mutual feelings there. Does it mean they are being unwise?


Being homosexual doesn't stop someone of the opposite sex from developing feelings for you though. So a gay man can befriend a straight female, and she can still end up with deeper feelings. But if you mean, a lesbian woman befriending a gay man, then sure, why not? I suppose that is the only way to successfully have a male-female friendship with little or no risk of developing romantic feelings.

It's not unheard of for someone who is gay or lesbian to engage in straight relationships. After all, science points to homosexuality being influenced by social and cultural factors as opposed to "being born gay" which is a common misconception.


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## missjayjay (May 5, 2014)

Yes!!!!!!!!!


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## Doc Dangerstein (Mar 8, 2013)

Yes, but I've noticed a simple linguistic game. When girls tell me we're just friends they notice that I'm hot for them and want to profit on the situation. "Just friends" often implied ulterior motives. "Friends" just means friends; even where there's a time when we do become attracted to one another we're able to laugh it off ... if we're single and something happens, something happens and if we're both together with somebody there are two people make sure that nothing happens. Friends, yes. I'm weary of the word "JUST." It often implied attraction and/or game playing.


... after thought, what about bisexual people. Are they supposed have no friends at all? That would really suck.


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## blackout (Jan 11, 2014)

Of course it's possible. The main reason people think it's not is because of the romanticism surrounding the concept. I mean, think about it, how many times have you seen the idea of "a boy and a girl who were close friends but fell in love" used as a plot device in a romance movie/book/tv show? Probably a lot.


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## noonia (Feb 7, 2011)

I haven't had many relationships (of any kind) with guys outside of my family. half my interactions/relationships with men have made me uncomfortable, and the other half just didn't last, with a couple of wonderful exceptions. I do think that men and women can have platonic relationships (whether they are heterosexual or not), but I feel like western/american society at least (that's my only experience) has really screwed with that whole dynamic, with gender expectations/norms playing a big role. there's such a huge emphasis on how different men and women are, often so much as to make them opposing forces. I think that's part of why I've hardly had any relationships with guys that have stuck, and also partly why I don't feel as comfortable around men. I really wish that were different.
also, sexism in general really tends to widen the gap.


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## ai.tran.75 (Feb 26, 2014)

Navid said:


> The honest answer that no one wants to admit:
> 
> Only if neither of them find each other physically attractive


Not true 

I have many good looking guy friends who finds me physically attractive . I think you should've said only if neither of them feel a sexual 
Connection and chemistry towards one another . 


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## Strelok (Aug 16, 2013)

noonia said:


> but I feel like western/american society at least (that's my only experience) has really screwed with that whole dynamic, with gender expectations/norms playing a big role. there's such a huge emphasis on how different men and women are, often so much as to make them opposing forces.


It's true. Western culture is fucked up.


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## Mscob (Jul 1, 2014)

Bugs said:


> It would almost seems like you guys ( you and your husband) do not trust yourselves in platonic relationships with members of the opposite sex. This doesn't mean there is a problem with said relationships but rather with how you two in particular could be in said relationships.


That may be partially true in a sense. From my experiences I don't believe I have had opposite sex relationships (minus those I consider family) without some sort of push/ pull chemical attractions - at least the ones I have considered close. At this point all my pre-marriage guy friendships are cut off. I NEVER stayed friends with exes and I really didn't mind going separate ways and never seeing them again. The couple times I attempted it ended with someone else getting hurt - usually from their girlfriend being upset and I had more respect for the girlfriend than to continue pursuing any sort of friendship. After all, the relationship was yesterdays news. I would want them to form bonds with someone new, not hold on to the past in any way. 

I know that I have had hurt feelings from my husband having girl friendships. The girls he had friendships with when we were young were terrible. They had no respect for me at all. One even told me that I had ruined 'their' friend in a catty way, not playful at all. Another informed a friend of mine that I was taking him away from them. They had no hesitations expressing dislike for me or who they thought he should end up with. I had given them the benefit of the doubt a bunch of times and they immediately judged. There was no 'You shouldn't hang out with her' talk until they expressed their dislike. He had previously dated about half of them. I wouldn't want to put him in a position where he could possibly experience those same feelings ever. 

My husband and I were best friends before we got married. We dated for 4 months (based on attraction), fought like crazy, broke up for about 6 months, then became best friends. Our best friend relationship progressed to marriage within about 2 years.


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## Makoa (Jul 3, 2014)

Bugs said:


> Your personal experience isn't a general experience for everyone. I have never found it difficult to maintain friendship with a female friend I find sexual attractive even if we were both available. As concerns the mutual sexual attraction it was treated with humor and lightheartedness. With one friend in particular I could recall that the sexual tension was high but the cost/benefit of going down that path was intuitively understood by both of us. Neither of us wanted to be attached in that way to one and other and we knew that we would get serious ( because of the strong bond of friendship that already existed) if we decided to try it. We would joke around about it instead. It's like hey you're hot but I'm already committed to my right hand . Instead of intensely analyzing the meaning of the attraction or looking at it as a 'problem' just make humor of it. It diffuses any tension and even becomes a reliable source of banter humor between you two . As far as cost-benefit analysis my mind was working like this : There are mostly short term benefits in having a sexual relationship with her. There is 'short term chemistry' but not so much long term. Neither of us could 'feel' a long term relationship working for us. Then the question becomes whether to exchange short term passion for the risk of destroying a solid reliable friendship? It wasn't worth it. FWB wouldn't work with a close friend either because the bond is strong enough to insist on becoming more which wouldn't work out long term romantically anyways. There is nothing wrong with natural attraction but it must be measured for its value.


We have very different definition of what friends are. 

There are acquaintances that we all call friends, whom we dispose of. At various places of difficulty we give up because the person is too difficult, or perhaps one of the two has shown/ lost face, some sort of betrayal or social faux pas. An FWB is just an acquaintance you have sex with, in most cases you recognize physical attraction and that you can have fun, and just want to keep emotions out of the way for the sake of sexual convenience. Thats not a real friendship, it's just a mutual agreement about using one another for hookups until something better comes along. 

Real friendships are built primarily on trust. Once you have real friends you feel a sense of duty to their well being and genuine concern about their state. They are the sorts of people you travel thousands of miles to visit, or whose time you value in such a way that you plan and chop out blocks of time for one another simply to share one anothers company. Your friends can be wrong, you can argue, but in the end they are valuable enough to patch things up with, or even agree to disagree with. 

If you don't start from Trust with any friendship, it's not a real friendship at all.


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## ninjahitsawall (Feb 1, 2013)

Yes, I think it's entirely possible. 

But I go about making friends a weird way  if I am sexually attracted to someone that's never a reason to be friends or even interact. So maybe I just avoid it outright? I look for intimacy in friendships but it's always a different dynamic (at least it feels that way to me) than when I'm interested in someone romantically. Apparently (I find this out like last minute or after the fact lol) I have had friends who were interested in me though.. but nothing ever happened. 

Maybe it depends on age? I'm in my 20s, but I hope by my 30s everything isn't weird and gender-restrictive because most people are couples or whatever.



Wellsy said:


> To me sounds more like people equate being attracted to having to act on that attraction.


Yep, it seems like there's some of that going on, it goes along with equating the idea that it's a convenient possibility (for two hetero people of opposite sexes, in close proximity to be a couple), with the reality of the friendship.


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## Mirkwood (Jul 16, 2014)

To put it very short, without personal history and experience detailed.

Yes, ofcourse they can. And they cant. I am one of those to seem somewhat unable to, even with the best intentions.


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## Kitsune Love (Jul 8, 2014)

Silliest question award! Of course men and women can be just friends. 

People who don't believe it's possible either: 
a) Lack confidence in their ability for self control.
b) Are too desperate for affection/love, in which is a personal problem. 
c) They're simply misogynists/misandrists.

I've seen videos on the internet of a crow and a kitten playing together, or a lioness adopting a baby antelope. If animals (who have it in their nature to hunt and kill smaller creatures) can become best friends, why can't a man and a woman become and remain friends?


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## Laeona (Feb 20, 2012)

I think the question should not be "Can women and men be friends?" but instead, "Can YOU be 'just friends' with the opposite sex?".

I believe it's obvious from all of these responses that it is quite possible for some people to do this, and for others it is not. It's all on how we process things.

For myself, I try not to limit myself by the external. Therefore, I've been privileged to have many good friends who happen to be male.


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## Gossip Goat (Nov 19, 2013)

Yes but there's also the possibility of them becoming more than friends, it depends on alot of factors.


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## Makoa (Jul 3, 2014)

Mizzmidnight said:


> Silliest question award! Of course men and women can be just friends.
> 
> People who don't believe it's possible either:
> a) Lack confidence in their ability for self control.
> ...


How do you become friends with people you don't really know? And your A,B, C either or's are pretty limited. You believe that, ether a person believes they can be friends with the opposite sex or they are somehow messed up in the form of desperate, misogyny, or lack self control. 

How certain are you that all people who believe men and women cant be just friends are some combination or one of those three? Seems like a hasty generalization to me.


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## Makoa (Jul 3, 2014)

Sure, men and women can be friends.. But how we define friendship is the crux. So when we say, "just friends." That can mean a couple that broke up and are just friends, but know one another on some pretty deep levels that they wouldn't know had they not had sex.. And when you think about it, are friends on that level closer than friends that have never had sex? I think it's a good thing to think about. 

The way we are wired, and our very nature towards the opposite sex with the exception of family usually starts with things like attraction and ideas of potential mate, etc. Are we talking about getting past that for the sake of a pure platonic friendship? It exists in ex's that are great friends.


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## Kitsune Love (Jul 8, 2014)

Makoa said:


> How do you become friends with people you don't really know? And your A,B, C either or's are pretty limited. You believe that, ether a person believes they can be friends with the opposite sex or they are somehow messed up in the form of desperate, misogyny, or lack self control.
> 
> How certain are you that all people who believe men and women cant be just friends are some combination or one of those three? Seems like a hasty generalization to me.


My A, B, and C were meant to be limited because I was speaking generally. There's a lot of other factors that could go behind each of those (everyone is different and have their own reasons) and I only listed the extremes of the people who don't believe that men and women can be friends. Generally.

In my experience, most of the people I knew that believed men and women couldn't be friends generally disliked/hated the opposite sex (misogyny/misandry), or they were too preoccupied trying to find a boyfriend/girlfriend and were quick to cut ties with friends of the opposite sex just because their advances were rejected (eg. Girl cuts ties with boy because she wanted a partner so much that she confused her friendship for feelings and he didn't want to ruin the friendship).

I personally believe that men and women are capable of being friends. There are people out there who do not, and that's fine. To each their own.


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## MrHables (Jul 29, 2014)

In most circumstances, I'd argue that the objectively correct answer is "no", especially if we are considering the relationship of two individuals who are currently experiencing strong sexual development, or who are highly interested in sexual activity (generally, during late pre-adolescence, throughout mid-adolescence, and often slowly decreasing until the age of 50). It often seems that interpersonal engagements that are universally observable, or fundamentally social in nature, are generated by the two persons concerned as they have received the unconscious impression that a mutual expression of sexual exploration is not acceptable within a social environment. I wish I didn't believe that the majority of human activity is heavily influenced by the libido (a term encompassing sexual pursuits and desires), but I do. 
Love, or true love, is heavily misunderstood. The general conception of "love" is characterised by its beings an interpersonal relationship that combines several elements of emotional infatuation, empathetic conciliation, and personal exploration, yet all of the aforementioned factors are negated whenever sexual compulsions are mutually satisfied. "True" love is a purely intersubjective engagement that is thoroughly detached from sexual fulfilment. It transcends human nature, at least as it is commonly understood. 
Unfortunately, I don't think such a powerfully compassionate and ecstatic relationship is sustainable, although I do believe that certain individuals have succeeded in maintaining it for extended periods. It is perhaps one of the rarest emotional occurrences in the world, as it require complete dedication and investment. It also demands a deliberate and consistent detachment from sexuality, which is a foundation upon which many other human attributes are built, solely through the power of the will.
So yes, it is possible, but it is incredibly rare, and I doubt that any of us here will ever participate in such an intensely transcendental relationship, nor will we encounter one that has been previously established. It seems to be attainable by a select few, who maintain a universally applied appreciation of the human spirit, unaffected by the superficiality visible within many "loving" relationships that exist currently.


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## HalfwayThere (Aug 30, 2012)

Hi! Op here. Okay, so let me clarify because i think i confused some people.
Im not talking about friends you see occasionally, friends you just go do stuff with, or friends you dont think about every day. Im talking about those 3am friends who knoe exactly how you order your salad, who can predict what youre about to say before you speak.
In my opinion, it is hard for adult men and adult women with feelings, desires, and brains to be really close or best friends with someone of the opposite sex without feeling at the very least and maybe even brief infatuation with that person. Maybe not at the same time, maybe not right away or for very long... but at one point or another, somebody is going to feel something for the other person (given that both arent asexual). It may even be subconscious. When youre with someone so much your brain practically starts telling you that theyre filling the role of partner. 
And the reason why i say this question can never be proven true or false is because while we ourselves may never develop any kind of feeling for our close friend, we can NEVER be sure they havent had them for us at one point or another. They just may never tell us.

Of course, there is an exception to every rule. Can men and women be only close friends? Sure, hypothetically, anything is possible. It just that the exception may not occur as often as us friend zoners would like


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## MrHables (Jul 29, 2014)

Yes, that's completely true. But I certainly wish it wasn't.
I would argue that all intimate friendships are, fundamentally, of an underlying sexual motivation - even between two heterosexuals of the same sex.
Ultimately, the answer to the question of concern depends on your own understanding and opinion of human sexuality, and the extent to which it directs and influences interpersonal relations.


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## Laeona (Feb 20, 2012)

HalfwayThere said:


> Hi! Op here. Okay, so let me clarify because i think i confused some people.
> Im not talking about friends you see occasionally, friends you just go do stuff with, or friends you dont think about every day. Im talking about those 3am friends who knoe exactly how you order your salad, who can predict what youre about to say before you speak.
> In my opinion, it is hard for adult men and adult women with feelings, desires, and brains to be really close or best friends with someone of the opposite sex without feeling at the very least and maybe even brief infatuation with that person. Maybe not at the same time, maybe not right away or for very long... but at one point or another, somebody is going to feel something for the other person (given that both arent asexual). It may even be subconscious. When youre with someone so much your brain practically starts telling you that theyre filling the role of partner.
> And the reason why i say this question can never be proven true or false is because while we ourselves may never develop any kind of feeling for our close friend, we can NEVER be sure they havent had them for us at one point or another. They just may never tell us.
> ...


Haha, I know we shouldn't exist, but we do. And I know it isn't the norm for the majority of people. But there we are, people who have deep friendships with members of the opposite sex that don't involve or devolve into sexual tension. For us, it is possible to strongly appreciate and be close to other human beings without feeling that they have to be attached to us in a romantic fashion. Simple really. Obviously, that's not everyone. But it seems to be so difficult for most people to comprehend that difference.

I get the fact that most of you can't handle this type of friendship. That's fine. But it is starting to drive me nuts that you want us rogue agents to fit in with the norm. I'd hate giving up my 3am talks with my guy pals.


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## Ronin_dreamer (Aug 10, 2013)

as an asexual I'm here to say: hell yeah!! :laughing:


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## spylass (Jan 25, 2014)

Of course.
I personally find that the longer I've known someone, the less likely I am to romantically interested in them. The friendship just become so strongly platonic. 
If I've been good friends with someone for a year, I just can't be attracted to them the way I couldn't be attracted to a sibling.


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## Stasis (May 6, 2014)

HalfwayThere said:


> Hi! Op here. Okay, so let me clarify because i think i confused some people.
> Im not talking about friends you see occasionally, friends you just go do stuff with, or friends you dont think about every day. Im talking about those 3am friends who knoe exactly how you order your salad, who can predict what youre about to say before you speak.
> In my opinion, it is hard for adult men and adult women with feelings, desires, and brains to be really close or best friends with someone of the opposite sex without feeling at the very least and maybe even brief infatuation with that person. Maybe not at the same time, maybe not right away or for very long... but at one point or another, somebody is going to feel something for the other person (given that both arent asexual). It may even be subconscious. When youre with someone so much your brain practically starts telling you that theyre filling the role of partner.
> And the reason why i say this question can never be proven true or false is because while we ourselves may never develop any kind of feeling for our close friend, we can NEVER be sure they havent had them for us at one point or another. They just may never tell us.
> ...


Thank you for clarifying.

I believe it is unwise to pursue a close relationship with the opposite sex. The chances of developing deeper feelings are extremely high (usually it's one-sided).


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## purposive (Jun 4, 2013)

Impossible.


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## Aelthwyn (Oct 27, 2010)

I agree it's possible. I've certainly known guys who I liked, respected, and enjoyed the company of but would never have wanted a romantic relationship with. I mean.... it's similar to friendships where I can tell I could be a roommate with certain friends but would never want to actually live with other ones even if I enjoy talking over lunch together or whatever. 

Even if someone is physically attractive, there are certainly other factors that can put someone in a 'friend only' category and outweigh any lust to prevent you from seeking a sexual relationship. And there is of course self-control, an important aspect in many areas of life. One doesn't always have to act on desires that you probably shouldn't, whether it's not eating a third piece of chocolate cake in one sitting, or not making sexual advances on a friend who is in a relationship with someone else or otherwise at a point in life where romantic or sexual involvement with you would not be practical or wise. 

And personally I don't get the idea/assumption that one could feel attraction (or be able to develop it) for EVERY member of the gender you're attracted to.... are there really people like that? 

Of course it can be awkward to figure out what exactly you want your relationship to be if you do feel attraction for someone who is also your friend, but I can't imagine that being a real issue in _every_ male-female friendship. And of course there can be the ambiguity of what each of you is actually looking for if you don't actually clarify that, which can make a friendship a little awkward, but once it's established, and perhaps from time to time reiterated, you can get on with just being friends comfortably. And there may be friendships where IF you were the last two people on the planet you'd be willing to be romantically involved with them, but since that's not the case you're not going to pursue that with them. Personally I wonder how many 'relationships' are people who really just want to be friends but assume they must want a romantic relationship because the person also happens to be of the opposite gender, and then it doesn't work out because they tried to make a good friendship more than it was 'meant to be.' 

While men and women _may_ fall into certain cultural roles which could cause them to interact in ways that tend toward what people expect from a romantic partner, which could cause them to think they actually want that with this person, I don't think it's necessary or unavoidable that they follow those kinds of roles - they don't _have_ to _only_ interact in those ways. Mentally and emotionally I think people can be pretty much the same regardless of their physical gender, thus they have the same capacity for having a Friendship connection with eachother quite apart from any sexual or romantic interest.


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## Golden Rose (Jun 5, 2014)

Um.. yes???

There are many kinds of friendships and while some are based on mutual (or unrequited) feelings and attraction, not all of them are. It's true that some people tend to fall in love with their friends because they're so close and they understand each other well, especially if the friendship has been going on for years, but you don't have to be asexual or aromantic to be able to make friends of the opposite gender without "secret intentions". This was always a silly question to me since it's some sort of broad generalization that might be harmful to both genders since it paints men as horndogs and women as romantically pining over their male friends, it reminds me a bit of the homophobic reactions to someone coming out "Just don't hit on me" or "Wait dude, I don't swing that way".

Sometimes there is a tinge of attraction but it fades with time or turns into something else, sometimes it's just a strong sibling-like bond, sometimes people fall for their friends, sometimes two people aren't physically attracted to each other but have some kind of platonic chemistry, sometimes they just find each other fun. There isn't a proper answer because we're all different individuals, with our own personality and approach to friendship and absolutes never worked for anyone! 

Can men and women be just friends? Some can, some can't, for most it depends.


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## kittenmogu (Jun 19, 2014)

Meanwhile, the lesbian with close friends who are both gay males and other lesbians is reading the thread title and OP and laughing to herself. Her asexual friend would probably laugh out loud. Are people capable of being friends with [insert gender or sex here]? Are we doomed to forever be divided by categories of gender and sexuality? Will my imaginary omnipresent boner for my desired gender interfere with every relationship? Is sex the only thing that matters? Stay tuned.


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## HalfwayThere (Aug 30, 2012)

EDLC said:


> Thank you for clarifying.
> 
> _*The chances of developing deeper feelings are extremely high (usually it's one-sided).*_


THANK YOU! You just managed to explain what i had been trying (and failing) to do since the beginning


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## HalfwayThere (Aug 30, 2012)

bellybutton said:


> no. The short answer is no.
> 
> *You know that any time you are becoming close with someone of the opposite sex, you have considered the future in which they may become more. It's completely natural.*
> Essentially the person you date or marry should first and foremost be your best friend. *I've never understood people say that their girlfriend is just a girlfriend, not a best friend.*
> ...


Brilliant on every single point, especially these. My thoughts in a nutshell.


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## HalfwayThere (Aug 30, 2012)

kittenmogu said:


> Meanwhile, the lesbian with close friends who are both gay males and other lesbians is reading the thread title and OP and laughing to herself. Her asexual friend would probably laugh out loud. Are people capable of being friends with [insert gender or sex here]? *Are we doomed to forever be divided by categories of gender and sexuality?* Will my imaginary omnipresent boner for my desired gender interfere with every relationship? Is sex the only thing that matters? Stay tuned.


No, I suppose not. I guess just some of us just have a little more catching up to do in the process of evolution than those like you who've reached that legendary enlightenment. Meanwhile, we keep our simple minds busy by asking rousing little questions like these. :wink:

Thank you for the post. It got me to see that some might have been offended at the way my post was worded.

By the way everyone, i only specified gender and sexuality so people _wouldn't_ get hung up on a completely different debate about human minds, bisexuality, and the kinsey scale; and the studies that most people's minds aren't exclusively heterosexual. Sorry if anyone felt excluded, it was not intentional. It was simply the OP's desire to keep a thread from diving into too many seperate debate topics, and that is all.

If anyone wants to propose a question in the comments on here about whether two females or two males can be just friends, be my guest.

And welcome to the PerC


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## spylass (Jan 25, 2014)

Well judging from the responses I can say the best answer is that for some people-they always feel hidden romantic tension with friends, and some people never do. I guess it's a matter of how different people feel attraction. 

I honesty can't relate to any of the posts that answer "no" to this question. I have so many platonic friends who are guys, girls, non-binary and me being a pansexual, I can't imagine it turning into anything other than platonic. The longer I know them, the stronger of a platonic relationship it becomes. 

I guess for some people- the longer they know someone the higher the chances they might "fall for them". I can't relate to that at all.


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## Van Meter (Sep 28, 2012)

I think normal m-m f-f friendships are superior and feel more natural without all the sex bullshit and different hormone shit.


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## yentipeee (Jun 19, 2013)

Yes, I certainly hope so!

For me it depends on how ugly she is.. j/k

Women friends tend to bring out my Fe which makes for a deeper bond, especially with ones that have known me since I was a kid. That could be a female thing, or maybe it's mommy issues.

I also have strict rules about *not* hitting on friends' wives/girlfriends or business associates, even if she gives me googoo eyes and looks like Kim Basinger.


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## FourLeafCloafer (Aug 5, 2014)

Yes, it is possible.
The amount of guys/girls among my friends is pretty much fifty-fifty. I currently feel mildly attracted to maybe one of them, and have felt attracted to maybe one in four of the guys (my friend groups are very fluid, people fade in and out of focus all the time) but I know that this attraction often fades with time. Them getting a SO is the quickest way, heh. With most guys, it is as it is with girls to me: yes, I know that they are attractive in some way, but not to me. I can appreciate it, but I'm not interested.

I don't know if it is the same way the other way around, but I certainly hope so.


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## Sadist (May 23, 2013)

HalfwayThere said:


> Its the legendary BIG topic of debate! I know its probably been asked before, but do you honestly think that men and women can be close/best friends without there EVER being a possibility of one wanting something more(given that everyone is straight) or developing feelings for the other?
> 
> Can Men and Women Be "Just Friends"? | Psychology Today
> How do I know if my guy friend likes me? | ARGville
> ...


As long as both parties understand boundaries, then yes.
This is essential.


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