# Lost a friend over a debate?



## Dragonite (Jan 9, 2014)

My best friend and I had a debate regarding a particular theory, and after relating my side of thought (which I admit was quite long winded but nothing pertaining to personal insult) he has distanced himself considerably. We use to speak on a daily basis and now he barely acknowledges me. He hasn't spoken to me in a few months.I'm alittle taken aback by his reaction since I saw it as just a fun spar. Anyone had a similar experience? I am an ENTP if that says anything...


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## -Alpha- (Dec 30, 2013)

A lot of people have difficulty leaving their emotions out of debates. A lot view being wrong as being weak or worth less in the eyes of the person who won. Additionally, there's the possibility that you got caught up in the argument, got a little too aggressive for a fun, social debate and offended him on some level or maybe just appeared obnoxious. I do these things from time to time also. 

Or who knows. Could be something completely unrelated. Maybe try talking to him or something. Crazy, right?


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## ENTrePreneur (Aug 7, 2013)

Dragonite said:


> My best friend and I had a debate regarding a particular theory, and after relating my side of thought (which I admit was quite long winded but nothing pertaining to personal insult) he has distanced himself considerably. We use to speak on a daily basis and now he barely acknowledges me. He hasn't spoken to me in a few months.I'm alittle taken aback by his reaction since I saw it as just a fun spar. Anyone had a similar experience? I am an ENTP if that says anything...



mkay.. first of all.. you didn't need to write that you're an ENTP.. I could tell just by the fact that it was written all over your story. 

You must be about 19 to 23 I suppose, because your Fe is still on its way.. (or you're a late bloomer.. XD don't worry.. most ENTPs are...)

and this story is the story of the life of just about every ENTP out there...

so when you ask if anyone has had a similar experience... I'm going to say yes. For the entire ENTP population.


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## Dragonite (Jan 9, 2014)

.


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## Dragonite (Jan 9, 2014)

I have asked him and he has denied something is wrong (it wouldn't be the first time he has denied his feelings, he's done the same in a similar situation involving another friend). So I left it at that, but we work together so his behaviour has been noticed by everyone. 

I'm in my mid 20s. I'm not too bad with Fe (atleast I thought so). I have been known to have my passion/enthusiasm during debates be misinterpreted for aggression. I honestly meant no harm. I guess I ought to reel that in abit :/ 

I've decided that if he won't say anything, then I won't prod further. It's safe to say our 10 year friendship might be over...I'm just baffled over it being something minuscule.


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## ENTrePreneur (Aug 7, 2013)

Dragonite said:


> I have asked him and he has denied something is wrong (it wouldn't be the first time he has denied his feelings, he's done the same in a similar situation involving another friend). So I left it at that, but we work together so his behaviour has been noticed by everyone.
> 
> I'm in my mid 20s. I'm not too bad with Fe (atleast I thought so). I have been known to have my passion/enthusiasm during debates to be misinterpreted for aggression. I honestly meant no harm. I guess I ought to reel that in abit :/
> 
> I've decided that if he won't say anything, then I won't prod further. It's safe to say our 10 year friendship might be over...I'm just baffled over it being something minuscule.


Yerp... no idea. I would actually ask the NF's about this one.. or maybe even the SJ's... I think they tend to be the most offended..

Because while this has happened to me.. I"ve never really understood it


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## azdahak (Mar 2, 2013)

You never will understand these things. They're about someone's subjective feelings. Sometimes you can ferret it out...but most of the times, you're stuck. 

Most likely it was just a bad confluence of events....they were in a sour mood and something you said was misinterpreted: this happens with all the NTs....we can be oh so bad at missing the emotional cues. 

The person will either "recover" or not. Frankly, it sounds like he's the one who has some personalities issues to deal with....like getting his Tertiary Te/Te to temper the way he expresses his emotions.


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## Dragonite (Jan 9, 2014)

azdahak said:


> You never will understand these things. They're about someone's subjective feelings. Sometimes you can ferret it out...but most of the times, you're stuck.
> 
> Most likely it was just a bad confluence of events....they were in a sour mood and something you said was misinterpreted: this happens with all the NTs....we can be oh so bad at missing the emotional cues.
> 
> The person will either "recover" or not.


Good advice. Thanks all.


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## Elistra (Apr 6, 2013)

Is your friend a Feeling type?


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## Dragonite (Jan 9, 2014)

Elistra said:


> Is your friend a Feeling type?


He has typed himself as both INTP and ENTP. In high school he would test as an INFP. We think very similarly, but he has a history of being a bit sensitive/prone to resentment.


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## Elistra (Apr 6, 2013)

Dragonite said:


> He has typed himself as both INTP and ENTP. In high school he would test as an INFP. We think very similarly, but he has a history of being a bit sensitive/prone to resentment.


Hmm. What was the debate about, exactly? You have me curious now.


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## Impavida (Dec 29, 2011)

I've been in situations where after an in-depth discussion about a topic, I've ended up either losing respect for the other person or have just realized that there is a basic incompatibility there. The lack of respect is more likely to be due to how the discussion was handled. Usually due to them becoming overly emotional or obstinately sticking to their position just because they can't/won't admit to being wrong. The basic incompatibility would be due to realizing we have fundamentally opposing views on something that I consider to be important.

After months of no talking, at this point, I would say consider the friendship done and cut your losses.


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## Dragonite (Jan 9, 2014)

Elistra said:


> Hmm. What was the debate about, exactly? You have me curious now.


The topic was abortion.


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## Dragonite (Jan 9, 2014)

jayde said:


> I've been in situations where after an in-depth discussion about a topic, I've ended up either losing respect for the other person or have just realized that there is a basic incompatibility there. The lack of respect is more likely to be due to how the discussion was handled. Usually due to them becoming overly emotional or obstinately sticking to their position just because they can't/won't admit to being wrong. The basic incompatibility would be due to realizing we have fundamentally opposing views on something that I consider to be important.
> 
> After months of no talking, at this point, I would say consider the friendship done and cut your losses.


Well said. Thanks. I've come to accept that the friendship is unfortunately over.


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## Tasnim (Jan 26, 2014)

Hey I'm an INTP and I ALWAYS go through such stories, but because my friends and childhood friends(very close: almost like family) thanks god I don't lose them- 
I hate having to deal with people that get sad over things like that I mean yes I get in the mood and I will fight to prove my idea, but afterwards I forget everything, literally like I forget I ever fought with someone. 

Anyways, try to prevent those things or like relate your idea with your mates Idea, try to change the subject after things have calmed down and act like nothing happened 

Works for me and stay away from fighting with adults or teachers or parents!


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## MegaTuxRacer (Sep 7, 2011)

People like to feel in control of their own sense of intelligence. Wait for someone to ask you something and explain it in the same way you normally would correct someone, and you will get a totally different reaction most of the time.


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## Impavida (Dec 29, 2011)

Dragonite said:


> The topic was abortion.


Ha! I guessed right. I figured it would be abortion, religion or politics.

Yeah, abortion us one of those topics that I have a hard time brushing under the rug. A person's view on this topic is usually influenced by a lot of different factors. If you disagree on this one, you will very likely disagree on many other fundamental issues as well. It's definitely a disagreement that I would back out of a friendship over.

I suspect you and your former friend just came down on opposite sides of the fence on this one and he decided that your values were too dissimilar to continue the friendship.


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## WinterFox (Sep 19, 2013)

As an INFJ, I don't get offended when I get into debates. 
If I ever get offended by a person's words, it's their *motives* that offend me, not the word itself. I don't care whatever the fuck comes out of a person's mouth, I only focus on the *motives* behind their words. 
Your friend sounds like an INFP/ISFP, that dominant Fi, so sensitive :tongue:

And I am guessing it's your tone, the way you phrase your words? Your words probably comes off condescending that's why your friend ended up upset. With dom/aux Fi types, they tend to get offended easily by the tone of your words.
They are not like INFJs, they don't focus on the motives behind your words, they focus mainly on the tone of the words that comes out from your words. So even if you don't have any ill intentions behind your words, your tone probably comes off as condescending and he probably misunderstood that you were insulting/disrespecting him in the debate, which is why he got offended.


I'd say try apologising then give him space then 1 month later apologise again? Keep repeating this process until he forgives you.
You shouldn't give up on a friendship so easily just because of misunderstandings, friendship like any other forms of relationship requires lots of efforts and hard work.
The only time a person should give up on a friendship is when the other person is physically or emotionally abusive. If your friend is neither physically or emotionally abusive, then why are you giving up on his friendship so easily? 
Oh and when you both patched up, remember not to get into debates with him again :tongue:


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## Dragonite (Jan 9, 2014)

WinterFox said:


> As an INFJ, I don't get offended when I get into debates.
> If I ever get offended by a person's words, it's their *motives* that offend me, not the word itself. I don't care whatever the fuck comes out of a person's mouth, I only focus on the *motives* behind their words.
> Your friend sounds like an INFP/ISFP, that dominant Fi, so sensitive :tongue:
> 
> ...


My tone may have been the problem. Not sure...

He would be incredibly offended if someone said he was a Fi dominant and not an Ne or Ti dominant. He has gotten into a debate with another friend whom expressed that she were an INTP too and suggested he was an INTP rather than an ENTP (instead of straddling the like between E/I); my friend disagreed completely. To the point of avoiding them altogether. 

I care very much about him but I don't think I can be friends with someone who can't handle my honesty (or anyone else's), which I expressed with as much objectivity as possible. I apologised for upsetting him, and it made him even More annoyed that I 'assumed' I had offended him. He doesn't like to be seen as sensitive. I might be reading him wrong but, going from being inseparable, doing everything together etc to not speaking...I think the message is loud and clear. The ball is in his court and I'm not going to sit around waiting to catch it.


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## sailboat (Jan 28, 2014)

I love debates


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