# How to make friends in University or college?



## f8alz28 (Nov 13, 2014)

*Lesson 1: Just do it!*
Just go up to someone and strike up a conversation. Here's how.

Before class starts, listen in on what people are talking about, and just *pop in as if their conversation sparked your interest, ask an open ended question* (one that doesn't end in yes or no), contribute with what your thoughts are on the subject, ask follow up questions based on what others say. That's how you start a conversation.

Now, how to make friends? Keep regular conversations with that person or group. Here's another approach. If you notice people in your class that are also in a different class on a different day. Ask them something (open ended) about the reading/assignment/research that was particularly challenging to you, when you see them outside of class it will give you an opportunity to approach them again on the issue (don't make it awkward, for example it's obvious if they clearly shouldn't be interrupted). 

In both situations, *make sure you introduce yourself*, make eye contact, exchange names, and shake hands (just do it, you're in college, act your age). It's really not that hard.

It should sound like this:

"Oh, hey! You guys talking about black holes? I was having an issue about that reading myself"

"Oh, by the way, my name is Satan Claus, what are your names?" (while reaching out for a handshake)

"Yeah, well, it seems unlikely to me, but ... do you think a singularity can actually exist without an event horizon?" *(You don't have to agree/disagree with what you just said, the point is to break the ice, introduce yourself, and get them talk to you)*. They'll respond with something like, "If naked singularities might even emit light, maybe all those lights in the sky aren't all from stars." (*whatever their response is, remember it*, this is going to be useful for the next step; you don't have to agree/disagree with what they say, just remember it).

Your further response should address something to that effect, but remember to keep it open ended. Instead of asking, "but doesn't that go against the cosmic censorship hypothesis?" Instead consider something like, "how would that apply to the cosmic censorship hypothesis?" or "In what way does it render the cosmic censorship hypothesis invalid?" (again, *remember what they say*)

That's pretty much it. It doesn't have to be about theoretical astrophysics, that was just an example. Sure enough, you'll start seeing these people outside of class, where you should say "Sup f8alz28! How's it goin'?" When appropriate, approach them. Now is the time to make an impression. Remember how I told you to remember what they said? Good. Now regurgitate it back to them. People hearing their own words from you just so happens to make people like you. The conversation would go something like, "I was thinking about what you said, that naked singularities can actually exist; based on the fact that the universe is so vast, it's highly unlikely that every single so called "star" can be ruled out as a naked singularity."

f8alz28 thinks to himself, "Wow! Satan Claus agrees with me and provided independent reasoning to prove my own point! She's supercool and smart too. I'll include her in my social circle because she's gets me and because I subconsciously like it when people give me validation."

Hope all that made sense. Strike a conversation, set them up to inflate their self esteem, make sure they know who you are, and inflate their self esteem.

Next lesson (whenever I feel like posting), how to gain friends out of a conflict between two people or groups.


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## koalaroo (Nov 25, 2011)

Get involved with student organizations; talk to people on your floor; talk to people in your classes. Trust me, you'll find people to spend time with!


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## ScientiaOmnisEst (Oct 2, 2013)

Reading this thread, looking for social advice. Why does everyone make it sound so easy?!



f8alz28 said:


> *Lesson 1: Just do it!*
> Just go up to someone and strike up a conversation. Here's how.
> 
> Before class starts, listen in on what people are talking about, and just *pop in as if their conversation sparked your interest, ask an open ended question* (one that doesn't end in yes or no), contribute with what your thoughts are on the subject, ask follow up questions based on what others say. That's how you start a conversation.


Now how does one do this without, you know, dying of fear first?


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## f8alz28 (Nov 13, 2014)

ScientiaOmnisEst said:


> Reading this thread, looking for social advice. Why does everyone make it sound so easy?!
> 
> 
> 
> Now how does one do this without, you know, dying of fear first?


I guess it comes so easy to some that some of us fail to put ourselves in the other person's shoes. I guess I'm sorry for that.

I'm trying to help. I know it's easier said than done for some. It might help if the conversation is already going. Might also help if you join clubs so you get to know people, you wont be strangers when initiating conversation later on. Perhaps hang out with people you already know, and when they greet a friend you have a warm opportunity to introduce yourself and make friends. Meeting just a handful of new people will expose you to so many others. Getting past this bump is probably the biggest hurdle. My idea is, to get past something you fear, you have to force yourself out of your comfort zone. Stepping out of your safe zone is hardest the first time around. The more you step out, the less stressful it should be and the easier it should become (according to my non-professional theory). I find it difficult to make friends without interacting with people. Remember that you have strengths that other people wish they had, and other people have strengths that you wish you had; no one is inherently better in all aspects.

Just so I have an idea, do you (or OP) freeze up if you have to present something? Are you just simply shy? What kind of situations are you comfortable with regarding other people? Do you have an accent? Stuttering? Are there any variables you're leaving out?

Regarding dying of fear. I'm assuming you or other people aren't literally *dying* of fear from socializing right? I would respond to that by saying that most fears are irrational. There are some rational fears, fear of death, fear of harm, fear of criticism, fear of judgment. Other fears, for example, talking to people, aren't very grave. If, however, you experience serious anxiety by the mere thought or attempt to socialize, you might have an anxiety issue; I'll leave that for doctors. 

Try alleviating your fears by doing the following:

*Focus on your strengths*. What are you good at, how can you leverage that to make friends or interact with people?

Maybe try some *deep breathing*, it counters anxiety by slowing down your heart rate. Practice deep breathing regularly and breath deeply when talking to people.

*Ease your way* into talking to people, I know this sounds contrary to what I posted, but I guess slowing down can help, and it certainly wont hurt. 

*Observe how other people interact* with each other.

*Set realistic expectations*. The people you meet aren't going to be your best friends overnight; on the contrary, they might not even be friends or even friendly at all.

Again, I'm not a pro. I'm just offering help. Sorry if I made it sounds simpler than it is for you all.


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## Du Toit (Mar 2, 2014)

I personally, write and draw charts. It helps me see the situation better:
Fear of talking
↓
What causes fear talking ?
↓
Fear of making the wrong first impression, and ruining the chances of possible friendship
↓
But what would cause me to make a bad first impression ?
↓
Inability to appropriately initiate conversations, lack of topics, mind going blank at times, lisp.
↓
Prompt: (1) inability to appropriately initiate convo's -> Practice with online samples; (2) lack of topics -> practice with online samples; (3)mind going blank -> Take adderall to alleviate' (4) Lisp -> Take mouth wetter, and practice.
↓
Still having troubles with 1) and 2) because no matter how much I practice 3) happens, hence screwing everything over
↓
Since I've exhausted options, the thing I do now is expose myself in areas of interests and look as available as possible(inviting body language, earphones off,etc). This is what have worked for me.

Hope you can use this sample and see how it can help you.

Edit: - Do not force this too much.
- Do not try to look inviting and confident if you're not in the mood to talk to anyone.


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