# I really hate myself.



## shredmaster (Jan 15, 2013)

So. I've been in a relationship with the same person for almost four years. We've recently just had a big issue concerning me excessively flirting with a lot of other girls and it's all just come out in the open. This has been happening (and I didn't really realize this until my girlfriend brought it up) because I really hate myself.

I have hated myself since I can remember, probably since about age fourteen. I have heard for most of my life from my dad that I'm a disappointment, that I'm not doing what I should or that I'm not good enough, that I'm never going anywhere with my life, etc. After a while I started to believe that and really thought that I was just this worthless piece of shit that was never going to get anywhere or do anything useful or be anything more than a waste of space. I hate that feeling so I started turning to whatever I could to try and make it go away. That's where all the excessive flirting came in. I thought that maybe I could make those feelings go away if more people gave me attention and such. It never worked but I kept convincing myself that maybe next time it would work or that I just hadn't tried hard enough yet. And I never realized that I was actually hurting all those people, and my girlfriend, until she told me last night when everything came out. After we talked about it I felt at once better and worse, because I knew I could start fixing the problem but at the same time I really hated myself for hurting everyone. I hate hurting people. I like making people feel better and helping them, and realizing now that I hurt so many people without even knowing it kills me. It got so bad that I called the suicide hotline last night because I thought killing myself would stop me from burdening everyone. Now I'm just looking for ways to stop hating myself that DON'T involve hurting anyone else. I can't do it anymore, and I know now that I can't do it alone.


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## TasticallyFab (Dec 2, 2012)

shredmaster said:


> So. I've been in a relationship with the same person for almost four years. We've recently just had a big issue concerning me excessively flirting with a lot of other girls and it's all just come out in the open. This has been happening (and I didn't really realize this until my girlfriend brought it up) because I really hate myself.
> 
> I have hated myself since I can remember, probably since about age fourteen. I have heard for most of my life from my dad that I'm a disappointment, that I'm not doing what I should or that I'm not good enough, that I'm never going anywhere with my life, etc. After a while I started to believe that and really thought that I was just this worthless piece of shit that was never going to get anywhere or do anything useful or be anything more than a waste of space. I hate that feeling so I started turning to whatever I could to try and make it go away. That's where all the excessive flirting came in. I thought that maybe I could make those feelings go away if more people gave me attention and such. It never worked but I kept convincing myself that maybe next time it would work or that I just hadn't tried hard enough yet. And I never realized that I was actually hurting all those people, and my girlfriend, until she told me last night when everything came out. After we talked about it I felt at once better and worse, because I knew I could start fixing the problem but at the same time I really hated myself for hurting everyone. I hate hurting people. I like making people feel better and helping them, and realizing now that I hurt so many people without even knowing it kills me. It got so bad that I called the suicide hotline last night because I thought killing myself would stop me from burdening everyone. Now I'm just looking for ways to stop hating myself that DON'T involve hurting anyone else. I can't do it anymore, and I know now that I can't do it alone.


I'm so, so sorry that you feel this way; I can relate. 
I think it's a shame that so many people deal with self-loathing when in reality, every life has its own beauty. 

I'd like to discuss this in depth with you. If you feel the same way, please send me a private message.


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## shredmaster (Jan 15, 2013)

TasticallyFab said:


> I'm so, so sorry that you feel this way; I can relate.
> I think it's a shame that so many people deal with self-loathing when in reality, every life has its own beauty.
> 
> I'd like to discuss this in depth with you. If you feel the same way, please send me a private message.


I actually can't send private messages because I just joined the site and I don't have enough posts. But I really appreciate someone who feels the same way reaching out. I need all the help I can get.


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## SilveryLine (Dec 28, 2012)

I remember hating myself once too. Voices always telling me I was worthless, selfish, dumb, ugly inside my head. I tried to force them away, I tried to think of different things but the voices would keep coming back. 

I'd keep looking in the mirror, and everything wrong about me would be in centre stage for only me to see. 
Most of it wasn't even physical inequities, just mistakes I made in the past coming to haunt me. 

I did this, I did that, I hurt them, I'm a terrible person. 

So how did I get rid of those thoughts? 

I found a passion. 

I found something I loved with my whole heart and soul, and desperately wanted to learn more and finally see the world from the new perspective of passion. 
My passion is acting and writing, if I explained why this "quick" reply wouldn't be quick at all. 

Basically, finding something you love to do or want to learn about is how I drowned out those voices in my head with things I love. 
I'm not saying this will be guarenteed to work, but I think you should try to find things you really love. 
It doesn't have to be artsy, it could be online gaming, biking, making candles (I dunno it's a hobby), you can do whatever you want! Heck it could even be learning about the science of the human mind or war heroes from history. 

Just fill your life with love instead of hate. 

Also, you said talking to your girlfriend made you feel better right? Well if she makes you happy you could spend some time with her. Surrounding yourself with people who love you in your life is also a great way to make those evil voices drown out in your head. Maybe you could go somewhere special together, or maybe try out something she likes. I know for a fact girls are much more than just makeup and dresses so she might introduce you to something really fun. 

What it all comes down to is just finding enough love in your life to drive out the madness. I'm not saying you have to do something for every second of every day, but just try to get out there more and have fun. 

When you're not doing an activity or something and you're alone. When you hear those voices creep in, saying your a failure, that you're a burden to everyone, and that you're worthless, do one of two things (or both) either think of something you love and use that as a way to make them shut up, or get angry at those voices for feeding you lies this whole time. Visualize this voice, is it huge? If so shrink it down until it's the size of gum and squish it until it's nothing but black goop. Or zap it with a disitegration ray and watch that sucker disappear forever. Either way, having a clear image of the negativity in your mind and then getting rid of it is very productive in imagination, and self- confidence. 

And above all, talk to someone about this. 
I've got to hand it to you in calling a hotline to help you with your suicidal thoughts *claps* however if you really want that negative goop out of your mind you have to push it into the spotlight so it can burn into obscurity (well... metaphorically anyways) Just talk to someone you trust and they'll probably give you some advice or try to help you. 

Don't be afraid to ask for help, that's why we have people whose jobs it is to specifically listen to you. We as a society know we need help sometimes, so we might as well help a bro out (in a strictly professional matter of course) 

In conclusion, fill your life with love, destroy the negativity beast in your brain, and talk about it to someone you trust. 

I hope this helps, I know all of this is easier said than done, and everyone in their life at times thinks they're worthless. 

However consider this: 
Now if you're religious (I am but hear me out regardless) God has one consistent thing going for him since the dawn of time. He doesn't make junk. Trees are not junk, water is not junk, the atmosphere is not junk, animals are not junk so why in the world would he make you junk? Everyone is special and has worth to their life, no one is junk. 

If you're not religious think about this: 
If every human being on earth suddenly disappeared but you, would you still be worthless?
No
Why?
Because you would be the last of our kind. 
Now imagine everyone coming back all of a sudden, would they still think you're worthless?
Sometimes the problem with us thinking we're worthless is because we compare ourselves to everyone else and how we pale in the social norms or conduct of success. Well if we took away all of that we'd finally see how important we really are. 
If you were the last person on earth you wouldn't have anything else to worry about, except surviving, but people just add to pressure we put on ourselves. 
Sometimes we just have to take people out of the equation when realizing our worth as a human being. 

I hope this helped, I usually don't bother writing advice because I'm too shy. However I salute you for your triumpths over the voices and I hope you have many more in the future. 


*~ SilveryLine *


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## Thief Noctis (Jan 6, 2012)

SilveryLine said:


> I remember hating myself once too. Voices always telling me I was worthless, selfish, dumb, ugly inside my head. I tried to force them away, I tried to think of different things but the voices would keep coming back.
> 
> I'd keep looking in the mirror, and everything wrong about me would be in centre stage for only me to see.
> Most of it wasn't even physical inequities, just mistakes I made in the past coming to haunt me.
> ...


Just thought I'd drop in & say that the majority of this actually really helped _me_, let alone the OP, so thank you.


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## Frosty (Jul 16, 2010)

I've hated myself since I can remember and I'm like 30 or something. 

I think self deprecating humor has saved me. Either that or assembling the toys from the Kinder Eggs sold at the Eastern European market downtown. 

Good luck with the self hatred! Use it to your advantage.


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## shredmaster (Jan 15, 2013)

SilveryLine said:


> I remember hating myself once too. Voices always telling me I was worthless, selfish, dumb, ugly inside my head. I tried to force them away, I tried to think of different things but the voices would keep coming back.
> 
> I'd keep looking in the mirror, and everything wrong about me would be in centre stage for only me to see.
> Most of it wasn't even physical inequities, just mistakes I made in the past coming to haunt me.
> ...


This whole thing was a really helpful and inspirational reply, so thank you  And my passion is music. My problem is this has gotten so bad that not even my passion is helping me anymore. I'm at a new low in life and I'm trying to get out of it.


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## SilveryLine (Dec 28, 2012)

shredmaster said:


> This whole thing was a really helpful and inspirational reply, so thank you  And my passion is music. My problem is this has gotten so bad that not even my passion is helping me anymore. I'm at a new low in life and I'm trying to get out of it.


Ahh music, _"if music be the food of love, play on"

_Music is one of those passions that's probably the hardest to describe, and the hardest to hate. 
I personally have never met anyone who didn't like at least one song in their life or hated every type of music out there. 
What's probably a plus for musicians is that you're pretty much guarenteed to have at least one person love your work since the world is filled with all kinds of different people.

Now I don't know if you write music, or if you love playing it, or you just get swept up in the beauty of it (like me) but either one of those has pros and cons like so many passions. 

Keep in mind, I'm not a music expert, I'm just a girl who loves a lot of music. 
I said earlier that there are a lot of different types of music and different people tend to like certain types. 
Take me for example, I love Kelly Clarkson songs (mostly the old ones the new one she has isn't all that great but I'm getting off track as usual) although I have to admit sometimes I listen to way too much of the same type of music and soon, I get bored of it.

Whenever I get bored, I usually go do something else, same thing with music. 
Maybe you could try to listen to different types of music? Now I'm not saying you have to love them or become the biggest fan of something but there are lots of musicians that don't get discovered and are really talented or have a controversial type of music that won't make the radio. 

I also like Kelly Sweet (weird first name conicidence but whatever) and she's one of those artists that nobody knows about but she makes really nice ballads and jazz music. She also has an incredible voice yet still nobody knows about her. 
I accidentily discovered her and I didn't really love her at first because I'm not used to jazz but now I like to go musician hunting because when I started to understand the genre I ended up really loving her as an artist that nobody knows about. 

Don't worry though, I don't go all hipster on everyone for not knowing her, that's just annoying. 
The thing with music is it's neverending. 
There's always going to be music, because music can't run out. 

Now this is an option if you like playing an instrument; try to play something you would never play in a million years. I'm not saying find the hardest song to play ever, or find a song you absolutely despise, but just pick one that you wouldn't normally play. 

Once you learn this song, try to give it your own spin on it. 
You've already mastered playing something totally different to what it's normally used for so make it even more creative and fun to play. 

Here's an example: In this video this guy who plays electric guitar plays... well probably the one song that would typically fail on the guitar; a Ke$ha song (DUN DUN DUUUUN) 

Whoa stay with me, stay with me, it's not as bad as you think. This guitarist took this song, that would probably not be played on the guitar at all, and made it his own. 

It's actually really cool to think that someone took on a song like that and managed to get it to sound as great as it does. 

Maybe if you play an intrument or something you could maybe find something that's outside your comfort zone to play. 

I can't post the link to it but you can find him by typing in "Ke$ha - Die Young - Guitar remix" on YouTube and his user name is "FiendishSpirit" 

Now if either of those don't help, don't give up on music!
Music is a beautiful thing and it will take time for you to rekindle your passion, but don't give up. 

Maybe you could try out something new for the time being if all else fails. Sometimes being away from something for a while helps us. Too much of something is never a good thing after all. 

Maybe you could do something related to music, like come up with a soundtrack to a favourite book, or write a story based on song lyrics (those are really popular with fan fiction), or even just making a list of your favourite songs... and I'm talking all of them. Every single one you've ever loved, or hummed while waiting in line; if you really want to go all out maybe you could make one that lists the ones that have a deep connection with your life or even have some sort of representation of respect for a particular band or musician you love.This way you can surround yourself with all of the music you love and get creative with your passion. 

You can probably combine music with pretty much anything if you set your mind to it, music is just that awesome. 

I'm glad I'm helping you but I'm not a huge expert in these things. Like I said before, talking to people about the negativity in your head will help with the healing. Oh, and don't think you're alone, don't you EVER think you're alone. I can't speak for the whole human race, but I know that there are people who are willing to help and hey that's why we have websites like this right? We aren't perfect, but you know what we sure seem to act like we are. Seriously all this "I'm too good for you" attitude going around is really bad. We are all equal in God's eyes, and when someone needs help, someone must help them despite their differences. 

I really wish I could help more but I'm afraid the rest is up to you and the people in your life. Have faith in yourself man, I mean if you're willing to listen to people's advice that obviously means you are open minded. That's a good trait. Also the fact that you recognize that you need help and are willing to go out and get it in any way possible shows you do still care about yourself in a way. Maybe you don't think you're the best thing sinced sliced bread but you have to keep searching for all the good things that you do. 

We all make mistakes, and I'm sure you feel guilty about the past, but try looking at it as a learning experience. Yeah yeah I know it's cliche but that's what mistakes lead up to anyways, learning. 

Take yourself as a learning experience, you did some things in the past you regret, you recognize you need help, and you invite people to try and help you, even at your darkest hour you took the courage to ask for help instead of giving into the madness. You're on your way, it will just take time, courage, love, people you trust, and more time. 

Time can be your best friend and your greatest enemy, while you can't change what you did in the past, you can at least change what you're doing right now. 

I hope you get time to stop being an enemy and eventually get it to become your friend. 

*~ SilveryLine*


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## remMUS (Dec 28, 2012)

Worth is a subjective thing. But sadly, external validation seems important. However, your girlfriend was willing to talk it out with you and get deeper into the core of this issue, so at least one person on this planet does not think your are worthless.

To be honest, worth is given to people whom we get something from, as sad as it may sound. I give worth to certain people because I can gain something from them (and it may not be something material necessarily). So, like someone said earlier, to maximize your worth to the external world, grow as much as you can as a person. Learn new skills, volunteer, and help other people. You'll feel really good and will be adding worth to the world. But is the world worth your adding worth to it? What choice do we all have in the end? Sorry, I am getting wayyy sidetracked. There's always tangents, and one of the benefits of contemplation is that you see all sides. I think it's always easier to be an observer and detach.

However, I will say this. Once you really get down to it, the only worthless thing you have going on is the thoughts you are having. Do your thoughts add any value? Your are not worthless; your thoughts are worthless. They are killing you and destroying your worth and are the very thing holding you back. You are creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's strangely ironic in some sense. I hope you see that.

Also, have peace. I'm glad you are willing to change yourself and take those first steps. The blame game is the easiest thing in the world. People play it on others, but you are playing it on yourself. Don't be sad. The good thing about sinking to lows in life is that you can only improve, and those moments often become the most poignant in our future development. You seem like a good person, and I wish you peace. The world is cruel enough as it is; don't be cruel to yourself to compound the cruelty.

Feel free to discard any useless piece of advice...and good luck. I wish you happiness.


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