# Help with misanthropic parent



## Skum (Jun 27, 2010)

I usually avoid getting too personal but I'm tired of seeing my mom put in these horrible situations.

My dad hates everything and everyone. He's always been extremely negative. My mom says he's been like this for the 20+ years they've known each other. No matter what I do in school, I am impractical. No matter who my mom is friends with, they are worthless pieces of shit. Everything she does or I do is a result of us being influenced by others. "Following others like stupid dogs." He makes fun of her and puts her down constantly. Most importantly, he never, ever takes the blame for anything. It's always someone else's fault.

He hates doctors also. Now the question is, how do I get him to a psychologist? What should I do? Fuck, _anything_ at this point. Anyone deal with something similar?

Thanks.


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## The Proof (Aug 5, 2009)

sorry about your dad, my grandpa was like that, he lived with my parents and I for many years

finally, after he died, my mom could breathe a sigh of relief, she had been taking care of him for a long long time, without any thanks from him

I hated him, everyone did, my mom just thought it was her duty to take care of him - "it's my father, I have to do it"; if it were up to me, he would've been in an asylum two decades ago, it's one thing to have a disability (which he didn't) and it's a completely different thing to be an asshole and never be grateful for anything, even when it's virtually life-long help

so if you can realistically get away from him, that would be the best thing, it's a rough situation, there is no solution in trying to change people who are like that

he is a bad influence on you as well, some distance would be good, like living with friends or a relative, or if you're old enough to be employed try to get a job and find some cheap housing and live there, or pay your friends to live with them

a few months away from him and you're going to start feeling much better


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## Scruffy (Aug 17, 2009)

He's probably not going to ever see a Psychologist, because he sees nothing wrong with his behavior. He has to see that his behavior sucks, otherwise he simply won't do it.

Fighting won't do it, because it will justify his hate for people (and it will allow him to rationalize himself). Does he have any sort of hobby/activity/setting where he is a little bit more vulnerable? Perhaps showing him that he will lose everyone if he continues?


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## yesiknowbut (Oct 25, 2009)

He's abusive. He might not be aware of it. Hard as it is, both you and your mother need to stand up to it. He will either get worse, in which case your avenue (and hers) is clear: out of there!...or he will start to behave better. Read up on emotional abuse.

The reading might be upsetting, but try not to despair. I am not of the belief (as many are) that abusive people cannot improve. They can, but they need to be treated firmly.

Finally, remember that none of this happens because you are worthless, or in some way bad. It is really hard to hold your head up when this is being thrown at you on a daily basis, but remember that you are not the one with the problem.

Good luck.


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## lyricalnuisance (May 6, 2011)

My dad was like that. My mom divorced him a year ago, and that has forced him to become a lot more appreciative of the rest of us. Maybe your dad needs a wake up call like that. 

I would also remind your mom that "he's always been like that" isn't an excuse for bad behavior.


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## Skum (Jun 27, 2010)

Thanks a lot everyone, I really appreciate it. It really does sound like there's nothing my mom and I can actually _do_ for him. You pretty much summed it up, @The Proof. Both of us feel like we have a duty to him. My mom especially, since he was abused as a kid and she wants to help him.

He has major abandonment issues so I think we've been afraid to do anything more drastic. But at this point it seems like the only way our point might be made. Until I can move out I will keep my mouth shut and remind my mom that his behavior is in no way excusable.


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## Everyday Ghoul (Aug 4, 2009)

You can't make the choice for your mother, but distancing yourself, as much as possible, as soon as you can, might be your best bet. Accusing him of being abusive, would probably result in him becoming defensive, and potentially make him worse. "Threatening" to leave, should be watched. Again, might provoke him to be defensive; might trigger a BPD like reaction of profusely apologizing, only to increase the abuse, when you all returned. You might be able to "trick him" into therapy, if he has any issues with depression or anxiety. No guarantee it would ever improve his other issues, though. Odd as it sounds, he probably doesn't realize he has severe issues. Aside from my own depression and anxiety, it never occurred to me, that I had much deeper problems. Personality disorders are said to often be viewed as "just a part of how and who I am".


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## Bote (Jun 16, 2010)

I don't really know much about the situation, but have you ever tried humoring your dad when you talk with him? Like e.g. "People suck. They're just a bunch of shitting, pissing animals with no brains." and you respond with a sigh or anger "You know dad I'm starting to think that too. There so much injustice in the world, everyone wants a piece of you and give you nothing in return, there's vultures and hiennas everywhere around me." 

"Following others like stupid dogs." and hating doctors makes me think trying this out may yield surprising answers.


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## Skum (Jun 27, 2010)

@Big bad wolf, if you don't mind me asking, how did you realize you had bigger problems? Simple self reflection or did it just occur to you one day?
Anyhow, I agree with you on the trigger thing. That's why I'm weary of emotional reactions: they're gratifying at the moment but they just inspire a negative reaction and make the situation worse. Here's where I decide to shut off completely and not react to what he says. Thank you.

@Bote, you know, normally I avoid that because whether I humor him or not, my comment is taken as a catapult into further anger either way. Though I could see this being useful in some situations.


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## Everyday Ghoul (Aug 4, 2009)

Initially, it was my ex challenging (without her knowledge) all my precious twisted logic, worldviews, and closely held beliefs, when she failed to treat me in the matter, that I was accustomed to, and when she failed to react in ways, that I was certain she would. That got me in the therapists door. After that, it was the prodding of therapy. I didn't do much introspection or reflection on myself, before I went to therapy. It left me feeling hollow, and even physically ill. It was much easier to bury my head in the sand, and just blame my problems on the rest of the world. People were shit, so I had every reason and cause to be just as shit as them. I was no worse. I was their creation. They had the problems, not me. Sounds like it's easier for your father to do so, as well. It also sounds like your father could suffer from some of the same paranoia, insecurity, narcissism, and anger, that tends to plague me. Also, very interesting you mention, that he was abused himself. I think that's a big part of it. I came from an emotionally abusive home, and I ended up being a mixture of the worst of both of my parents. What you observe from a young age, tends to become normal. I'm "abnormal", when put into environments with well balanced and healthier people, and it's immediately obvious. However, I can blend in with my family and friends fairly well, because they tend to be very troubled people themselves.

It sounds like your father, did what my father did, and ended up with someone more idealistic, who may have some esteem issues or things of her own. Not trying to attack your mother, but there's surely some reason someone would stay with an abusive partner, who tormented them and their children. I'm not really trying to attack your father, either. I can sympathize. I'm still a human, no matter how monstrous my own actions get. I still need acceptance, nurturing, and love. Of course, both your father and I should realize, being victims of abuse ourselves, that when you're a nightmare, you make it hard for other people to find anything redeeming in you. Hell, you make it hard for them not to hate you. As I said earlier, though, it's far easier to lay the blame on others. They betrayed you, they're too stupid to understand you, they mistreated you first, it's always something, you can always rationalize and justify your shortcomings and actions.

Still, I really can sympathize with your father. Like me, he's probably a collection of failed coping mechanisms, that he "needed" to survive at some point in his life. Most likely, in his childhood. In a home where there is abuse, there is no safety, and tends to be a lack of love and nurturing. Even when there's love, it's confusing. I have very mixed feelings about both of my parents. Becoming paranoid, angry, overly self-sufficient, bitter, and jaded, helps you get through the day, and is a "natural" emotional reaction to the situation. Even around people who don't function like that, you tend to think it's them with the problems and deficiencies. They live in unrealistic worlds of idealism, fluff, and candy. Hence you being a "stupid dog" and following others like sheeple. It's just terribly unfortunate for you, that he only managed to recreate the environment for you and your mother, that he needed the coping mechanisms to survive and escape from himself. Interesting and tragic, how that tends to work out, that way. 

Abusive homes crank out abusers, and the cycle repeats. The children tend to suffer most, and I feel for you the most. Breaking your father's cycle will be hard. You've had fine instruction on how to be cynical, pessimistic, paranoid, defensive, irrational, hateful, angry, and bitter. Instruction on how to hate the world, fear it, and blame it. Hopefully, you at least managed to get instruction to the opposite from your mother or friends. Then again, you have to be careful not to take away crooked instruction on love, believing it's alright to end up with an abusive partner, out of some twisted idealism. I don't know what it helps, but my therapist told me not to personalize things so much. Your father's views on your mother's friends, suggests that he behaves this way with most everyone. So, you shouldn't see his abuse as any indication that any fault is yours or that there is anything wrong with you. He's just become a tyrannical asshole, and no matter who you are, you wouldn't escape it. 

Maybe, if he comes to lose everything and everyone, he will be prompted to make a choice, and lose his ability to any longer defend himself and hide behind his twisted logic and rationalizations. Of course, on instinct, he'd be more likely to just say it proves his twisted beliefs, and he was betrayed, and had every reason to hate everyone, and that proves it, but when the loneliness finally kicks in, and the thoughts of an empty funeral home, and a miserable existence completely devoid of human companionship start to haunt you, it might just cause you to have second thoughts, even if they are a bit self-centered and fear based. 

Maybe you could go into therapy, just to have a place to exercise some of the negativity of that environment. If not, martial arts or some other physical and slightly aggressive outlet might help. I think having (if you don't already) a positive counter point to balance things out would probably go a long way as well; someone to remind you all people aren't that way. I can't say I ever had that, as both my parents were very negative people, in their own different ways. All my friends and lovers have been, as well. So, just having someone around you, who doesn't function that way, would probably help tremendously.


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## vellocent (Dec 18, 2010)

Like it has been said, get away from him. Take care of yourself first. Encourage your mother to do the same. I was distrustful of doctors, but in the case of an emergency I went. If you can't get him to go, go yourself.


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## Skum (Jun 27, 2010)

Thanks everyone. I'm grateful for the opinions, ideas, and personal stories. Everyone has given me something to think about.


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## dizzygirl (Dec 19, 2009)

You should have rebelled against his crap long back.
He will never go to a psychologist by the look of it.
Just like my father.
Try to avoid him, make your mother avoid him...eat dinner separately, be AS formal as possible. Keep your personal lives to yourself and soon everything will be as normal as possible with such a man.
i am sorry i had no epiphanic revelation :sad:


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