# Why Are Psychopaths Attracted to Me?



## Clarissa (Jul 13, 2013)

I've noticed a pattern in my romantic relationships. Everybody I've dated or been interested in dating has been a narcissist or a psychopath. The characteristic I despise most is narcissism. I don't realize the person is a narcissist until later in the relationship, after I've developed serious feelings for them. I tend to not see the red flags at first, and even if I recognize them, I push it out of my mind because my feelings are usually very intense for the person.

So - if I hate narcissists, why am I attracted to them?

Why are they attracted to me? Why am I a psychopath-magnet?


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## MadGranny (Jul 11, 2013)

Clarissa, My longtime therapist always says that we r attracted to the people that allow us to do the work that we need to do. U need to do the work on urself before u get into a relationship if u want anything else. Work on urself. It is a worthy goal!


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## muffleupagus (May 14, 2013)

You're 16. I think you're more likely to be labeling people as psycho/narcissist than experiencing it for real.

Maybe you need to give some details.

Society in general is rather narcissistic these days.


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## Clarissa (Jul 13, 2013)

What work would a narcissist be allowing me to do?
That's interesting. My therapist just encourages me to... try to be attracted to other people... which doesn't exactly make sense. She just urges me to not be alone with those people.


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## Clarissa (Jul 13, 2013)

Details: My first boyfriend was abusive - he didn't have feelings... he just kind of liked the attention I gave him and he'd pretend to have feelings in order to get my approval and to get me to stroke his gigantic ego. He was physically abusive. On one or more occasions he: pulled my hair, pushed me down a flight of stairs, scratched me, burned me with tongs, slapped me, and spat on me.

First girlfriend: Would become legitimately angry if I didn't compliment her within the first ten minutes of being together. Cheated on me quite a bit. Talked about herself.

Last person I was interested in: He admits himself that he is a narcissist. He turns every conversation towards himself. I still have feelings for this person.


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## LadyO.W.BernieBro (Sep 4, 2010)

Edit: for what it's worth l didn't read the descriptions in the post above before l replied. l'm not sure how to advise you about physical abuse like that, but you would get the best advice about all of this from a womens' shelter or something similar.


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## Coldspot (Nov 7, 2011)

They don't sound like psychopaths to me.The first one is most definitely just an abusive manipulator, second one is unhealthily self-absorbed. Being narcissistic isn't inherently bad IMO, it just has different problems to try to work through.


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## Clarissa (Jul 13, 2013)

Can you think of what traits might be attractive to these people? I've asked my therapist and she just doesn't really have a clue. I've done google searches that turn up dry. I'm currently reading a book on the topic, but I'm interested to know other people's opinions.
What would a person do to project to others that they are dependent and easily manipulated?


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## MadGranny (Jul 11, 2013)

Clarissa, what is it that makes u proud of this? Is it because u were a victim? Is it because ur boyfriends r abusive? What makes u unable r unwilling to protect to child that lives within u? We must ALL put the child that lives within FIRST!!! U r not doing this. Find a therapist that explores why u r not willing to put urself first. ALL of us must protect our child.


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## Clarissa (Jul 13, 2013)

I'm not a professional, obviously. I'm a child, really. In my opinion though... they were pretty close to being psychopaths at least. They lack ability to love or establish meaningful personal relationships, *extreme **egocentricity... *they never really learned from their mistakes. When they moved on from me, they basically had our exact relationship, just with a different person.


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## Clarissa (Jul 13, 2013)

I'm definitely NOT proud of this. I'm not sure what makes you think that. I've explored the options of changing therapists again, but it won't work with the insurance that I have now. I'd have to travel an hour to a new therapist that's covered by my insurance, and that's not really feasible.
I do have problems putting myself first or standing up for myself. This is probably a result of my self-esteem. I'm working on it. It's a long process.


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## LadyO.W.BernieBro (Sep 4, 2010)

Clarissa said:


> Can you think of what traits might be attractive to these people? I've asked my therapist and she just doesn't really have a clue. I've done google searches that turn up dry. I'm currently reading a book on the topic, but I'm interested to know other people's opinions.
> What would a person do to project to others that they are dependent and easily manipulated?


The abuse you described sounds incredibly horrifying so wouldn't you want a therapist who knows about these things? Or an...organization or something? They can point you to one. And probably for free.


But this is information that can be found on Google so l'm not sure what's going on with your therapist.
You seem to be pretty open in expressing this to us, so l'm not sure why they haven't assisted you properly.

l don't really think a non professional opinion is worth anything in this case.


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## Clarissa (Jul 13, 2013)

I went to a home for abuse survivors for a few months, but at that time I wasn't open to talking about it, so I basically wasted my opportunity. The mental health care covered by my insurance/in my area isn't too great. :/ Plus my therapist isn't an abuse counselor, she's an eating disorder specialist... so that might be why.


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## muffleupagus (May 14, 2013)

Yes you need a different therapist. 

In general being overly bubbly and naive attracts bad men. They see it as a vulnerability they can exploit.

I regret to inform you that it's likely best to harden up and adapt to the culture that surrounds you.

In the meantime, try to find a more appropriate therapist. It's not my thing to grow from professional therapy, but it works well for some others.

Good luck, and I'm sorry this happened to what seems like a genuinely good person. You must have a good family.


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## Clarissa (Jul 13, 2013)

Well, I've been recovering from anorexia, so having an eating disorder specialist as my therapist is beneficial as well. Oh gosh I sound like I'm just airing all my dirty laundry... so attractive. :S 

I tend to not be overly bubbly at all. If anything people outside of the internet find me to be cold and reserved unless we're really close. Even then, I am constantly asked if I'm feeling alright due to my facial expressions. 

I do have a pretty good family. And thank you.


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## cyamitide (Jul 8, 2010)

Clarissa said:


> Last person I was interested in: He admits himself that he is a narcissist. He turns every conversation towards himself. I still have feelings for this person.


There is such a personality called the inverse or "inverted narcissist" or "N-magnets". This personality usually had a lot of internal pride and arrogance, a sort of internal narcissism which they keep cooped up inside them. Narcissists who are overt narcissists, who are openly abusive, can feel these kinds of people, and they feel attracted to them, probably because these "covert" narcissists make the "overt" narcissists feel complete. They are like yin and yang of each other -- one is externally arrogant while the other is internally arrogant. This is all very hypothetical and not very well described in literature, but you will find some mentions of "inverted narcissists" if you look this up on various websites.


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## ponyjoyride (May 7, 2010)

What you said about your partners definitely makes them sound douchebags but not necessarily narcissists or psychopaths. 

I agree with cyamitide: narcissists and their victims are actually surprisingly similar and they are both using the relationship to feed their low self-esteem, only in different ways. You definitely should work on your self-esteem before entering any new relationships.


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## Thalassa (Jun 10, 2010)

Probably one of your parents was a narcissist or something, so it feels familiar or right to you.

One of my main guardians was BPD with narcissistic features, and I was in a 6 year relationship with someone with BPD with narcissistic features, then involved with someone with mild to moderate NPD for almost two years.

You need help to learn to stay away from them.


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## Thalassa (Jun 10, 2010)

ponyjoyride said:


> What you said about your partners definitely makes them sound douchebags but not necessarily narcissists or psychopaths.
> 
> I agree with cyamitide: narcissists and their victims are actually surprisingly similar and they are both using the relationship to feed their low self-esteem, only in different ways. You definitely should work on your self-esteem before entering any new relationships.


I will agree with this. I think a lot of people who get involved with narcissists are probably histrionic or co-dependent (inverted narcissism) or some form of BPD.

Narcissists tend to not like other narcissists (but may admire another narcissist as a role model), but a histrionic is similar enough to provide the sexy kind of "clashing" that can be sexually exciting and provide the kind of social exhibitionism or one-up manship that would keep the narcissist interested...while allowing for the empathy of the histrionic to support and prop up the narcissist, because histrionics tend to be very aware of their appearance, and can even be inappropriately sexual, giving the narcissist a "charge" of being with a very desirable partner "worthy" of their own awesome self, but who "knows their place" as the supportive person in the relationship.

A narcissist would walk ALL OVER a codependent. I tend to think they are in VERY ugly relationships and marriages, things where one partner walks in front of the other, or uses the other for money, things where the codependent is literally treated as "less than" but still a necessary prop for the narcissist's ego.


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## Thalassa (Jun 10, 2010)

cyamitide said:


> There is such a personality called the inverse or "inverted narcissist" or "N-magnets". This personality usually had a lot of internal pride and arrogance, a sort of internal narcissism which they keep cooped up inside them. Narcissists who are overt narcissists, who are openly abusive, can feel these kinds of people, and they feel attracted to them, probably because these "covert" narcissists make the "overt" narcissists feel complete. They are like yin and yang of each other -- one is externally arrogant while the other is internally arrogant. This is all very hypothetical and not very well described in literature, but you will find some mentions of "inverted narcissists" if you look this up on various websites.


It's a form of co-dependency.

I honestly think it's a stunningly accurate self-test to see if you "compete" with the narcissist and he considers you as "sexy" or "interesting" enough to be a prop for his ego...if so ...if you are "a co-winner" you are probably a histrionic. A histrionic is basically a narcissist with empathy....very focused on appearance, achievement, attention...but actually still cares about other people. May make "normals" uncomfortable with their exhibitionism but feels right at home with a narcissist, living in their little world of Cluster B drama...it actually "feels right" like puzzle pieces fitting. Problem being that the narcissist is not really sympathetic to the histrionics emotional dramatics and is still using the histrionic just like they use anyone else...just that they somehow consider the histrionic to be more "worthy" typically because of things like outward appearance or sexuality. The narcissist generally will cry over histrionics when they lose them (my personal observation) unlike codependents, who they will simply suck dry.

Codependents and narcissists I tend to think have the classic abusive relationship or dom/sub or master/slave relationship where the codependent is truly degraded and subservient.


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