# Friend calling you pathetic: a red flag?



## 45130 (Aug 26, 2012)

This is something that I haven't quite figured out yet, I'd like to hear your opinion.

A handful of years ago I was friends with somebody; we were about 17, very close, and talked every day for hours. One day we were chatting online and I was eating the rest of my dinner behind the PC because I was a terribly slow eater back then (think hours before finishing a plate). When we asked each other what we were doing in the meantime I told them that I was eating. they thought that was pathetic. I was taken by surprise, but the convo went on as it usually would. Looking back, things like this happened more often when we talked about things I did or liked.

My question to you: What's up with this? Should friends be able to talk like this to you? Is a friendship even genuine when somebody makes potentially hurtful statements like that, out of the blue and with full knowledge that you're not the kind of friends that greet each other with insults? 


More broadly (and less related to the previous question): what's the deal with shit-tests in what is supposed to be friendly interaction? Isn't it a sign of insincerity?


----------



## Fluctuate (Mar 24, 2015)

I had a friend like that. We eventually lost contact, and now she wants to reinitiate.. I'm uninterested to say the least.

People are all different and value different things... but generally, if a "friend" doesn't seem to think well of you, they're certainly not the best friend.


----------



## Catsby (Jan 2, 2016)

I beg to differ @Fluctuate. I don't think friends are there to "think well of you," but rather to recognize your problems and still be willing to be there for you.

Now OP, I don't think you're providing enough information as to why he said it was "pathetic." It depends on their intent. 

A lot of times, saying what is "hurtful" is necessary. But then on the contrary, some people are just rude. You haven't offered enough context for anyone to make an accurate judgment on why your friend said what they said.


----------



## Fluctuate (Mar 24, 2015)

raiicorn said:


> I beg to differ @Fluctuate. I don't think friends are there to "think well of you," but rather to recognize your problems and still be willing to be there for you.
> 
> Now OP, I don't think you're providing enough information as to why he said it was "pathetic." It depends on their intent.
> 
> A lot of times, saying what is "hurtful" is necessary. But then on the contrary, some people are just rude. You haven't offered enough context for anyone to make an accurate judgment on why your friend said what they said.


I see your point, and to a certain extent I agree, but there a very big difference in making fun of someone to their face (which is only my impression of what's going on) and offering advice. You can be empathetic and care without enabling someone, and you can offer feedback without belittling someone. 

... Esteem is a human need, and I guess I consider esteem needs to be one of THE THINGS that are fulfilled_ primarily _by friendships.


----------



## L'Enfant Terrible (Jun 8, 2014)

raiicorn said:


> I beg to differ @Fluctuate. I don't think friends are there to "think well of you," but rather to recognize your problems and still be willing to be there for you.
> 
> Now OP, I don't think you're providing enough information as to why he said it was "pathetic." It depends on their intent.
> 
> A lot of times, saying what is "hurtful" is necessary. But then on the contrary, some people are just rude. You haven't offered enough context for anyone to make an accurate judgment on why your friend said what they said.


I am a brutally honest person but there is a difference between telling someone that those pants are horrid and that they are pathetic. Calling someone pathetic is in no way helpful. It doesn't provide a solution to the problem, it doesn't provide absolutely any type of support whatsoever and it doesn't show any empathy either. I usually provide my friends with solutions rather than take care of their emotional side and I am aware that calling my friends any hurtful names is not at all part of the logical solution of the problem.


----------



## L'Enfant Terrible (Jun 8, 2014)

Undead Warhead said:


> This is something that I haven't quite figured out yet, I'd like to hear your opinion.
> 
> A handful of years ago I was friends with somebody; we were about 17, very close, and talked every day for hours. One day we were chatting online and I was eating the rest of my dinner behind the PC because I was a terribly slow eater back then (think hours before finishing a plate). When we asked each other what we were doing in the meantime I told them that I was eating. they thought that was pathetic. I was taken by surprise, but the convo went on as it usually would. Looking back, things like this happened more often when we talked about things I did or liked.
> 
> ...


Major red flag! Don't be naive, dump them or you will regret it later! It's a sign of a one-sided relationship with a toxic person which trust me, will spiral into worse and worse treatment on their part. Do yourself a favor and find better people to surround yourself with.


----------



## Protagoras (Sep 12, 2010)

@L'Enfant Terrible:

May I just say that, although I have nothing much to add, I like your candor. I wish I was surrounded by (more) people with your attitude, if it is anything at all like the one you described in your post about trying to be helpful.


----------



## L'Enfant Terrible (Jun 8, 2014)

Mr. Impeccable said:


> @L'Enfant Terrible:
> 
> May I just say that, although I have nothing much to add, I like your candor. I wish I was surrounded by (more) people with your attitude, if it is anything at all like the one you described in your post about trying to be helpful.


I am by no means one of a kind, but people who truly have your best interest at heart are rare because humans are self-centered beings. Reading people - not my area of expertise, but as Maya Angelou said "when someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time." People don't change that much - if someone who is supposed to be your friend is being an asshole to you one time, chances are they will do this again and again cumulatively - the snowball effect. I gave such people a few chances and as expected they blew them all, so lesson learned.


----------



## Protagoras (Sep 12, 2010)

L'Enfant Terrible said:


> I am by no means one of a kind, but people who truly have your best interest at heart are rare because humans are self-centered beings. Reading people - not my area of expertise, but as Maya Angelou said "when someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time." People don't change that much - if someone who is supposed to be your friend is being an asshole to you one time, chances are they will do this again and again cumulatively - the snowball effect. I gave such people a few chances and as expected they blew them all, so lesson learned.


Well, I am inclined to agree that, often, it is best to just stay away from people who prove themselves to be bad for you. I seek out people who have a beneficial effect on me, that heighten my feeling of well-being, my sense of life, potency, and overall cheerfulness. I mean people who have a life-affirming attitude, so that it might brush off on me. This might itself sound self-centered of me. But just as I agree with you that it is good to try to be helpful to others, or at least to those you care about, it is also good to try to be helpful to yourself. As long as you are not being egotistical at the expense of others, it is even your duty towards yourself, I think. It is rational, and actually in line with what you are saying, if I am not mistaken.

Nonetheless, I think I might also disagree a little bit with you, in that I do not believe this "character is fate" thought that you also seem to have. Of course, if someone shows you their character it is prudent to take note of it, and to act accordingly. But people can change, and I am inclined to give them some leeway, and a fair amount of warnings, before I decide to give up on them. I also reconnect with people who have proved to have a bad effect on me in the past, but who appear to have changed. I tend to give (well-informed) second chances, at least if it is not detrimental to my own well-being to do so. But maybe you are like this too, in which case I might have read too much into your previous message. And, overall, I do agree that you should keep your distance from people who are putting you down.


----------



## L'Enfant Terrible (Jun 8, 2014)

Mr. Impeccable said:


> Well, I am inclined to agree that, often, it is best to just stay away from people who prove themselves to be bad for you. I seek out people who have a beneficial effect on me, that heighten my feeling of well-being, but also my sense of life, potency, and overall cheerfulness. This might, in turn, sound self-centered of me. But just as I agree with you that it is good to try to be helpful to others, or at least those you care about, it is also good to try to be helpful to yourself. As long as you are not being egotistical at the expense of others, it is even your duty towards yourself, I think. It is rational.
> 
> Nonetheless, I think I might also disagree a little bit with you, in that I do not believe this "character is fate" thought that you also seem to have. Of course, if someone shows you their character it is prudent to take note of it, and to act accordingly. But people can change, and I am inclined to give them some leeway, and a fair amount of warnings, before I decide to give up on them. I also reconnect with people who have proved to have a bad effect on me in the past, but who appear to have changed. I tend to give (well-informed) second chances, at least if it is not detrimental to my own well-being to do so. But maybe you are like this too, in which case I might have read too much into your previous message. And, overall, I do agree that you should keep your distance from people who are putting you down.


If you are ready to "heighten their feeling of well-being, but also their sense of life (whatever that means), potency and overall cheerfulness" then you are not self-centered. If you look for that in other people without being ready to provide the same - you are.

I never said "character is fate"? No idea where you got that from, since I don't believe in fate (def: the development of events beyond a person's control, regarded as determined by a supernatural power). People's personalities are determined party by genetics and party by their experiences, not supernatural powers thank you very much.

You are your own person so give as many people as many chances as you want if they seem reformed to you. I'm not trying to convince you not to, because frankly, I don't care. I merely said that personally I wouldn't. What you do next is your own business.


----------



## Warp11 (Jul 13, 2016)

Friends generally don't hurl blatant insults, but I too am not sure why this comment upset you. Did he say you were pathetic because you were eating slowly? Or for some other reason? This was online? Hmmmm. Stuff can easily be misinterpreted (especially if you are in a certain mood yourself). You were both around 17yo at the time. Teenagers can often say dumb shit thinking it's funny and/or harmless (for a lot of people this does not change as they get older, self included). Others see a slight where none was intended. 
You have indicated that this had happened more than once and he tends to insult you when speaking of your interests. I would ditch that person and find people who genuinely want to know more about what makes you tick. Those kinds of people are what I would call friends.


----------



## Protagoras (Sep 12, 2010)

L'Enfant Terrible said:


> If you are ready to "heighten their feeling of well-being, but also their sense of life (whatever that means), potency and overall cheerfulness" then you are not self-centered. If you look for that in other people without being ready to provide the same - you are.


I am inclined to use the term 'self-centered' differently, but that is a verbal disagreement. I agree with the substance of what you are saying here, yes.



L'Enfant Terrible said:


> I never said "character is fate"? No idea where you got that from, since I don't believe in fate (def: the development of events beyond a person's control, regarded as determined by a supernatural power). People's personalities are determined party by genetics and party by their experiences, not supernatural powers thank you very much.


Oh, I am sorry, it seems my punctuation marks threw you off. It is not meant to be a quote. That is just an expression, it does not require you to have any supernatural beliefs. I certainly do not have those myself, if you think I do simply because I use that expression. (You are quite literal-minded, it seems. I am sorry that I did not take that into account.) What you are saying above might be in line with "character is fate," though. It is the thought that your character or personality, or their determinants, rule the outcome of things that happen in your life, and usually in an unchangeable way. My point was that I would not say that.



L'Enfant Terrible said:


> You are your own person so give as many people as many chances as you want if they seem reformed to you. I'm not trying to convince you not to, because frankly, I don't care. I merely said that personally I wouldn't. What you do next is your own business.


Oh, I did not interpret you as trying to persuade me. I was noting that I might disagree, and elaborating on my attitude. I was sharing thoughts, not trying to combat you.


----------



## L'Enfant Terrible (Jun 8, 2014)

Mr. Impeccable said:


> I am inclined to use the term 'self-centered' differently, but that is a verbal disagreement. I agree with the substance of what you are saying here, yes.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Self-centered and egocentric are synonyms and here is what they mean - thinking only of oneself, without regard for the feelings or desires of others; self-centered. There is no other definition. 

I have never heard of such an expression, you don't seem to be a native english speaker and it makes our conversation quite laborious. You are literally getting off-track and implying I said/thought things that I didn't and have no connection to what I said. You are reading between the lines and just assuming that what you think is what I meant to say. When did I even imply that character determines the outcome in someone's life? Wtf dude? 

This is just getting boring so all the best to OP and let's stop derailing the thread.


----------



## Chesire Tower (Jan 19, 2013)

OP, while I do believe people can do change; I have had that experience first-hand; so I know that it is possible; however, one thing that does not ever change is a blatant lack of respect. There is a major difference between honest, direct, helpful constructive criticism and the kind of behaviour you are referencing. People who act like your friend; have for whatever reason set themselves up as a one up to you and if you accept that sort of treatment from them; it will get worse. I can't imagine ever speaking like that to anyone I value even a little bit. 

I'm not sure if you're familiar with this or not but there is a famous study by Gottman (SP?) about how disrespect was the number one factor in determining the failure of any romantic relationship. Granted, we are talking about friendship here but I think the psychology still applies.


----------



## Protagoras (Sep 12, 2010)

L'Enfant Terrible said:


> Self-centered and egocentric are synonyms and here is what they mean - thinking only of oneself, without regard for the feelings or desires of others; self-centered. There is no other definition.


There are other definitions. Maybe not others definition you will accept, but that is a different matter. For example, self-centered might be simply defined as 'thinking excessively of oneself' or 'thinking too much of oneself', without the insistence that it is only thinking of yourself. You might, according to this definition, even be self-centered with "regard for the feelings or desires of others," provided only that you think excessively of yourself. So, you see, it is easy to come up with another definition. If you do not accept such a definition, that is, again, a different matter.



L'Enfant Terrible said:


> I have never heard of such an expression, you don't seem to be a native english speaker and it makes our conversation quite laborious. You are literally getting off-track and implying I said/thought things that I didn't and have no connection to what I said. You are reading between the lines and just assuming that what you think is what I meant to say. When did I even imply that character determines the outcome in someone's life? Wtf dude?


But I already said I was reading between the lines. I gave you a disclaimer. Why are you responding surprised if I already told you that I might be reading too much into your message, but that I did not know for certain if I caught your meaning? I do not get all your seeming frustration, here.

Are you okay? You seem quite irascible at the moment...



L'Enfant Terrible said:


> This is just getting boring so all the best to OP and let's stop derailing the thread.


Ah, okay. See you around in that case!


----------



## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

I'm not sure of the intent, if they just kept going on with the conversation. I mean you should know having been there.
But for me, if anyone ever uses the word "pathetic" to describe someone, at first glance it would strike me as a joke. Of course it can be mean-hearted but I'm not sure from what was written here.


----------



## 45130 (Aug 26, 2012)

Fluctuate said:


> I had a friend like that. We eventually lost contact, and now she wants to reinitiate.. I'm uninterested to say the least.
> 
> People are all different and value different things... but generally, if a "friend" doesn't seem to think well of you, they're certainly not the best friend.


Same here! Well, I broke off all contact later on, silently when we had not talked for a while; a year later she messaged me, asking me how I am doing and stuff; after a very short talk I mustered the confidence to tell her I'm not ready to talk to her yet. 

Friends who do not think well of you... I think those are harmful. As @Mr. Impeccable explains, they're not upbuilding. In my case this situation perpetuated the idea that there was something profoundly unworthy about me. It was thus probably a strategically sound move of mine to end this friendship. However, this does not answer the question if a friend who looks down upon you is a friend at all.



raiicorn said:


> I beg to differ @*Fluctuate* . I don't think friends are there to "think well of you," but rather to recognize your problems and still be willing to be there for you.
> 
> Now OP, I don't think you're providing enough information as to why he said it was "pathetic." It depends on their intent.
> 
> A lot of times, saying what is "hurtful" is necessary. But then on the contrary, some people are just rude. You haven't offered enough context for anyone to make an accurate judgment on why your friend said what they said.


This wasn't a case of helpfulness. How would it be helpful to call somebody pathetic for eating dinner behind the PC? 

She did also give me unsollicited advice a lot, though. Things like, get a six pack, or NEVER wear band shirts, people who wear band shirts are pathetic. For clarity: I was not hurt by this advice or by her calling me pathetic, but it got me thinking what the hell she was thinking when seemingly treading over my autonomy: I'll decide for myself if I'll wear a shirt or eat behind a PC or grow some abs, kthx! 



L'Enfant Terrible said:


> Major red flag! Don't be naive, dump them or you will regret it later! It's a sign of a one-sided relationship with a toxic person which trust me, will spiral into worse and worse treatment on their part. Do yourself a favor and find better people to surround yourself with.


been there done that (see above)



SkyRacerX said:


> Friends generally don't hurl blatant insults, but I too am not sure why this comment upset you. Did he say you were pathetic because you were eating slowly? Or for some other reason? This was online? Hmmmm. Stuff can easily be misinterpreted (especially if you are in a certain mood yourself). You were both around 17yo at the time. Teenagers can often say dumb shit thinking it's funny and/or harmless (for a lot of people this does not change as they get older, self included). Others see a slight where none was intended.
> You have indicated that this had happened more than once and he tends to insult you when speaking of your interests. I would ditch that person and find people who genuinely want to know more about what makes you tick. Those kinds of people are what I would call friends.


Agreed! As mentioned before, I was told it's pathetic because only pathetic people eat dinner behind the PC. A simple value judgment, completely uncalled for, rude, and IMO disrespectful. I cannot remember the other similar cases unfortunately, because this was 5 or 6 years ago. But they were of the same nature: uncalled for value judgments regarding an autonomous decision of mine. 

Perhaps I could have salvaged this friendship early on by telling the person very clearly that I do not appreciate such comments (I would certainly do that if it happened to me now). Still the question remains if a person should befriend somebody who treats others this way. I have now met somebody recently who treats people the same way. I'm not touching that with a ten foot pole.



Chesire Tower said:


> OP, while I do believe people can do change; I have had that experience first-hand; so I know that it is possible; however, one thing that does not ever change is a blatant lack of respect. There is a major difference between honest, direct, helpful constructive criticism and the kind of behaviour you are referencing. People who act like your friend; have for whatever reason set themselves up as a one up to you and if you accept that sort of treatment from them; it will get worse. I can't imagine ever speaking like that to anyone I value even a little bit.
> 
> I'm not sure if you're familiar with this or not but there is a famous study by Gottman (SP?) about how disrespect was the number one factor in determining the failure of any romantic relationship. Granted, we are talking about friendship here but I think the psychology still applies.


I'm not sure if disrespect is one of those traits that definitely cannot change. However I do agree that, once somebody has decided to disrespect and look down on _you_, it won't get better anymore.


----------



## atamagasuita (May 15, 2016)

Maybe your friend didn't really mean to hurt your feelings by calling you pathetic. Because lots of people are just Insensitive that they don't know that they can already hurt someone else feelings. 

Sent from my E5823 using Tapatalk


----------



## Allosy (Jul 28, 2016)

Maybe he was in a bad mood and felt like abusing someone, who knows.


----------



## TheHuman (Sep 19, 2016)

I think it was just a bad joke that you took too seriously... People do stuff like that all the time while not realising that they can actually hurt someone. I wouldn't put much weigh on it.


----------

