# Am I in the Wrong Here?



## Flamingo Jones (Oct 29, 2009)

I'll try to make a long story short. I really liked a girl for 3+ years. Like _really_ liked. Not to a stalker extent, but enough to where she was all I cared/thought about. I thought we were friends and that she cared about me, but I knew she never would care about me the way I cared about her. I told her about how I felt this summer, and she was as nice as someone could be about it. Needless to say, I was pretty broken-hearted. 

Now, a couple weeks ago (November 20th, to be exact), she made it pretty darn clear that we really never were friends and she never cared about me at all. I would deny it if I didn't realize she was right. That left me in a much worse state than getting my heart broken in the summer. I had to do a lot of soul searching, and when I came back out, I was furious. Not with her, she never did anything wrong. I was angry at myself.

Now, understand this: I don't get angry. In the past three years, I have been angry maybe twice. This anger, however, was ridiculously intense. If you combined all the other times I have been angry in my life and compared it to this, it wouldn't hold a candle to it. I was infatuated with a girl -- I'm a teenager, it happens, I get that, but I _based my life around it for three years_. All this time, I always tried to justify it. Told myself that she "cared about me," or somehow I "loved" her. It was all fake. I never lived in reality, but the only thing that ever mattered to me was that it was real. That it was genuine. But it wasn't. It was all a lie. 

She made me _such_ a better person. If you compared me now to me three years ago, I am unrecognizable. But I wish I had never met her. I wish I would have suppressed my feelings the moment they started coming on. If I was that much of an idiot-- that pathetic that I actually based my life around infatuation for three years, I don't deserve anyone's friendship. I don't deserve anyone's love. Heck, I don't even deserve to live. 

Then I started thinking about the future. Just when I thought life was taking an upturn, I crash right back to rock bottom then fall right through. I finally got some friends I really love and that really love me. Two of them will be a thousand miles away from my college next year and the one who is coming with me has a tendency to go for the best available option. Once he finds someone funnier and more entertaining than me, I wouldn't be surprised if he forgot all about me. I am so sick of people I care about so much leaving me. 

So the past couple weeks, I have completely withdrawn myself from everyone. I'm going to school, but I am not speaking with anyone at all. My friends are worrying about me, but I keep telling them I'm not worth the effort to worry about. Today, I guess I was particularly morose, because they really wanted to break me out of my shell. My friend asked me why I just keep pushing people away, and I told him that if I could get everyone to hate me, I could justify my feelings about myself. Then tonight, one of my other close friends told me that she thought I needed to stop being so over-dramatic and need to stop feeling sorry for myself.

Is she right? I know I'm feeling sorry for myself, but it's not like I'm all, "Woe is me!" and trying to draw attention to myself. I know what I'm going through isn't exactly a kitten rolling in flowers, but I am _so_ much better off than most people. Character is defined in the hard times in our lives, which makes me feel like King Pathetic. I tell myself that I don't have it so bad, then I tell myself that I need to stop crying over an emotional thorn in my finger, then I tell myself that I am the weakest person alive if I feel sorry over myself over this, which makes me angrier at myself, which makes me hate myself more, which makes me feel more sorry for myself. Do you see the circle? I just don't know what to do. I hate, hate, hate my past, and I really don't like the looks of my future, and I just can't compel myself to live in the mediocre present. Any advice is more than appreciated.


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## TurranMC (Sep 15, 2009)

Yes I believe she is right. It sucks ass that the girl you cared about so much didn't care about you, it really does. But if you cared so much for her and she didn't care about you, did you really wanna date her anyway? There are literally over a billion other fish in the sea. Are you gonna let one chick ruin your whole life? You can't be much older than twenty if you are even that old. Short of getting hit by a bus or something you have a very long life ahead of you. Why let one chick ruin the rest of that? You're in school, you have friends who care for you, and you don't have some terminal disease. Shit will get better. Let your friends help you get over this slump so you can move forward.


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## Inky (Dec 2, 2008)

I think this is a normal case of a broken heart. I'm not belittling your problem but just telling you that you're not alone in this. I have a friend who, like you, started shutting people out after breaking up with her bf. I have experienced it as well. It is one of the most painful feeling to experience, but trust me, with time, as long as you try, you will be able to get over it. Meanwhile, try not to let it influence your life so much. And don't be so hard on yourself if you can't do it that well. I took a few weeks to be able to feel like my normal self again, and about a year to be able to feel completely neutral whenever he was mentioned, or whenever I meet him. Some people take longer, others shorter.

I suggest you try to do something to cheer yourself up. It's not good to wallow alone and push everyone else away. I used to do that, and it doesn't actually help much. I think maybe you can take time alone to organise your thougths, think of what you want to do to pull yourself out of that depression and then do it. Have a bit of fun, and maybe talk to someone about it when you're ready - perhaps someone who is close to you and have dealt with this kind of problem before. I'm sure they will be happy to help.


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## Tommy (Nov 25, 2009)

Hey mate, suck to be you, but you have to get over it. 

That you actually wrote this to us means you have a bloody good experience to take with you on towards the future. 

There is a dilemma I am stuck with. You see, would I ever force the person who did not love me to be with me forever? Even though I loved her and she was all I wanted? Or would I rather let her be and move on, in fear that I would never meet that kind of person again? That is the shit I am thinking about now, and it sucks. 

My advice is, lie on the bed and meditate, pull yourself together and live life. You have not died yet, so your time is not up. I hope it helped you to get it off your heart. We are here if you need anything =)


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## Kevinaswell (May 6, 2009)

Stop giving a shit what situations you're in.

Regardless of whether it's an awesome one or not, no matter which way you look at it you still had a very MINIMAL influence on the events that caused you to get there. You're just one person. You can handle your actions, but those of the rest of the world aren't up to you at all.

So stop freaking out about situations.

Instead, just be happy that you DO have what little influence you do.

And start appreciating even assholes.

Assholes are people, too. And they get sad just like you.


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## Selene (Aug 2, 2009)

Flamingo Jones said:


> I'll try to make a long story short. I really liked a girl for 3+ years. Like _really_ liked. Not to a stalker extent, but enough to where she was all I cared/thought about. I thought we were friends and that she cared about me, but I knew she never would care about me the way I cared about her. I told her about how I felt this summer, and she was as nice as someone could be about it. Needless to say, I was pretty broken-hearted.
> 
> Now, a couple weeks ago (November 20th, to be exact), she made it pretty darn clear that we really never were friends and she never cared about me at all. I would deny it if I didn't realize she was right. That left me in a much worse state than getting my heart broken in the summer. I had to do a lot of soul searching, and when I came back out, I was furious. Not with her, she never did anything wrong. I was angry at myself.


That's pretty devastating to find out that someone that you've invested that much energy and passion in doesn't have the slightest feelings in return.



> Now, understand this: I don't get angry. In the past three years, I have been angry maybe twice. This anger, however, was ridiculously intense. If you combined all the other times I have been angry in my life and compared it to this, it wouldn't hold a candle to it. I was infatuated with a girl -- I'm a teenager, it happens, I get that, but I _based my life around it for three years_. All this time, I always tried to justify it. Told myself that she "cared about me," or somehow I "loved" her. It was all fake. I never lived in reality, but the only thing that ever mattered to me was that it was real. That it was genuine. But it wasn't. It was all a lie.


I can see why you would be angry with her for not appreciating how much she meant to you and how powerful your feelings were. And I can see why you would be angry with yourself for having seemingly wasted all of this time deluding yourself and having your whole life revolve around a fantasy for 3 years.



> She made me _such_ a better person. If you compared me now to me three years ago, I am unrecognizable. But I wish I had never met her. I wish I would have suppressed my feelings the moment they started coming on. If I was that much of an idiot-- that pathetic that I actually based my life around infatuation for three years, I don't deserve anyone's friendship. I don't deserve anyone's love. Heck, I don't even deserve to live.
> 
> Then I started thinking about the future. Just when I thought life was taking an upturn, I crash right back to rock bottom then fall right through. I finally got some friends I really love and that really love me. Two of them will be a thousand miles away from my college next year and the one who is coming with me has a tendency to go for the best available option. Once he finds someone funnier and more entertaining than me, I wouldn't be surprised if he forgot all about me. I am so sick of people I care about so much leaving me.


Yeah, I see what you're saying. Because if this could happen, then what's preventing all of your other friends from abandoning you as well. And you probably don't trust your perceptions of other people's feelings toward you at this point.



> So the past couple weeks, I have completely withdrawn myself from everyone. I'm going to school, but I am not speaking with anyone at all. My friends are worrying about me, but I keep telling them I'm not worth the effort to worry about. Today, I guess I was particularly morose, because they really wanted to break me out of my shell. My friend asked me why I just keep pushing people away, and I told him that if I could get everyone to hate me, I could justify my feelings about myself. Then tonight, one of my other close friends told me that she thought I needed to stop being so over-dramatic and need to stop feeling sorry for myself.
> 
> Is she right? I know I'm feeling sorry for myself, but it's not like I'm all, "Woe is me!" and trying to draw attention to myself. I know what I'm going through isn't exactly a kitten rolling in flowers, but I am _so_ much better off than most people. Character is defined in the hard times in our lives, which makes me feel like King Pathetic. I tell myself that I don't have it so bad, then I tell myself that I need to stop crying over an emotional thorn in my finger, then I tell myself that I am the weakest person alive if I feel sorry over myself over this, which makes me angrier at myself, which makes me hate myself more, which makes me feel more sorry for myself. Do you see the circle? I just don't know what to do. I hate, hate, hate my past, and I really don't like the looks of my future, and I just can't compel myself to live in the mediocre present. Any advice is more than appreciated.


Contrary to what other people are saying, I don't think you should be forced to pretend that you're not really damaged and shocked by what has happened simply because other people think you're making a spectacle. Suppressing all of this and pretending to move on when you're still wounded is not going to solve things. I feel like you have friends who really do care about you and want to know what's going on with you. If you feel that they will listen, maybe tell them everything that you wrote here. That might also help you feel more connected with people.

I do see the circle. You're upset about this massive disappointment--but then because you're getting so upset about this and it's taking over, that makes you view yourself as pathetic and detestable. Because, rational/sensible people aren't supposed to get caught up in unrealistic infatuations and then get totally crushed when that fails. Which makes you despise yourself, which triggers more negative feelings. And then, as you get further into negative feelings, you increasingly look at yourself and say, "I hate myself for being so fucked up. I'm a total mess that nobody could possibly love."

:happy: I can relate to that. I went into a similar kind of downspiral in high school after a breakup. I basically isolated myself, pushed away anyone that told me to "cheer up" or "move on", got angry/depressed at myself for not being able to live up to their advice ("How could anyone love me when I'm this broken and damaged?"), and felt like there were no redeeming good qualities in me when someone I trusted and placed so much faith in could be so hurtful to me.

The way of breaking the circle is to see that...your reaction really makes sense given your expectations and feelings. Your feelings are real and they are legitimate. You're not messed up for feeling what you do. Anybody would feel the same way if they had the same experiences as you.


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## EvilByte (Aug 5, 2009)

You're looking at this in too dualistic of a sense. Your J wants clear definition and lines drawn exactly, but you're in a position where this is not likely to happen. This is not going to be easy, and their is no true guideline for you to follow. You are unique, and you may not even be very apt to accept input from others in such a pained and emotionally dark state. And I know that in such a state, any hostile, accusatory or perceived arrogant words are just going to turn you away. Because those people just don't "understand," and that feeling of being misunderstood is dominating the darkness in your soul right now.

I can only relationally say that I know how you feel, because I myself experienced a similar situation in high school. I desperately cared for a girl I had never really spoken to for about the same amount of time; maybe 3 years. I loved her so much, and would always justify my love for her and defend any faults she might have against any inner doubts I had. I created a fantasy world, where she was an idyllic princess; a perfect girl for me. And I lived in it totally. It was so lonely and difficult. But her ideal image also made me strive for perfection, so it's somewhat comforting to know that it made me work that much harder for my ideals.

But eventually it came crashing down. Reality hit, and it hit with dread and despair. Being INFJs, we have such intense and overpowering imaginations. We can literally live in a fantasy world for years, ignoring certain parts or mostly all of reality. Our emotions can become so strong and our sense of control so dire that we become extremely empowered and dependent upon our fantasy world creations. It's a complete sense of control, and it allows our deepest desires to be fulfilled, and for us to be totally understood, or misunderstood, as our whims desire. 

But there's danger there, extreme danger. Especially because our fantasy worlds often encorporate parts of reality we admire and long for. We want that love to exist in reality, so we create and nurture it in our imaginations, and it grows in out hearts similarly to real love. But when reality hits, everything crumbles and everything you held sacred in the fantasy world is immediately destroyed. And anyone in that fantasy world now has a whole lot of broken emotions asociated with them in reality. It's utterly devastating and can be completely life changing. 

It leads to complete darkness, total self-loathing and ultimate distrust. The world we created and lived in has been shattered, and we were its architect! We set ourselves up for annihilation and heartbreak, and we did it completely irrationally and without good reason, seemingly. How can we trust ourselves, if what we do to ourselves only hurts us? The damage is as catastrophic as it sounds - our worlds literally come crashing down and explode in a fiery hail, and everything we know and believe in can become shattered.

There are always things left to hold on to, because there are things we know and believe outside of our fantasies. And this is what we need to grasp onto tightly in times like this. The darkness is overwhelming, and the seemingly pointless future with its seemingly pointless relationships and friendships gives an overwhelming sense of dread and futility. But luckily the world is not over, if even our fantasy world just ended. It takes a *long* time to return to a trust with reality, mainly because we escaped from reality in the first place because it wasn't ideal and it was very painful to deal with. And our fantasy worlds... how addictive it can be to get everything you desire!

But those worlds will always be hollow. As hard as I tried, I could never recreate the decisions a real person would make, the definition to their beings in my fantasies. I could make dialogues, but it was always half hearted and seemed fake, even though I tried my best to bring it to life. Living in such a world is always doomed for failure, as we are not powerful enough to create life inside ourselves in such a way. And sometimes this realization hits too hard, even when we're not in a fantasy world.

But losing your fantasy world and breaking up with someone are two *very* different things. Because when your own personal world is destroyed in your own eyes, you can't help but distrust and hate yourself for what you've done. There is a deep anger, a rage even. It feels completely unfair and unjust, and it all seems so ridiculous once you realize how "foolish" you've been. There is no more biting a critic than one's own self. And with almost unlimited ammunition against yourself, one can't help but attack viciously and with devastation. 

But that future that seems to bleak, pointless and distrustful isn't so. Getting past the heartbreak and distrust takes a long, long time. But you learn from it. You hate yourself maybe forever, but forever passes away, and you're left with normal time again. The darkness is infinite, but there is like at the end of the infinity, and your infinite rage will propel you there. And by the time you reach it, you'll be whole again, and your rage will be used up. Maybe positive talk like this is useless to you now, maybe it will give that little hope in you a hug that will keep you going and make you think about a possibility just one day sooner than you would have otherwise. I don't know. It's for you to decide how you take in information, and what you're willing to listen to and believe.

And your real friends may not understand. But pushing them away won't make you feel better in the long run, and won't make you feel better now. It will just satiate that desire to humilate and hurt yourself, and further discredit your self worth. I had similar troubles when going to college. None of my friends went to the same college I did, and I knew I would never see or talk to most of them again. But you do keep in touch. And if you need to talk, there's always there as before. And you get to see them on breaks and vacations. It may not sound like much, but true friendships don't diminish with distance.

And you'll make new friends. And you'll find a new girl to love. And this time you won't go into a fantasy world, but you'll make sure to find someone who really loves you back. And then you'll stand at the mountaintop, face stuck out defiantly against the raging wind of the tribulations of the world, and you'll smirk violently, eyes ablaze with triump. Because you'll have overcome. 

And it will be utter Hell to get there. Don't let people sugar coat you into complacency. Fight with your emotions, wrestle with your hatred, rage against your anger. Your battle will be deep and furious, and it will be long. And though it may be internal, you do not have to be alone. You can draw strength from those who still care about and love you, and use that in your battle against yourself. And you will overcome, and realize just how important those friends are to you. Don't let your the anger in your heart destroy your truly caring real world relationships. They're worth fighting yourself for.

I wish you luck in the trials ahead. Things will improve with time, even when things seem bleakest and impossible to recover from.


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## Alchemical Romance (Nov 26, 2009)

Here's how it is.


1.Self pity=0 loose it, it harms you more than it helps, you'll end up hating women in general
2. My first love was exactly like yours, i wrote her love letters, poems, i practically worshiped the ground beneath her feet
I actually started to frequent school more because of her, so I told her, so she didn't give me an answer but talked in her
girl comitee with her friends....I was friend disaproved.
3. What did I learn out of this? Nothing
4. Then came no2. Same shit...what did I learn out of this? Nothing
5. Then came 3,4,5,6,7 What did I learn from those...1 thing
there's an infinit amount of numbers
So i took all my written poetry, entered a poetry contest, won big cash...at least this
around no8 I found the girl I am with for 2 years now and that I may marry next year.

I know it hurts ok? It hurts like hell...but you must have some hope. I know she's beautiful...i know she's like
a goddess to you, I know you'd die for her If she asked but do you have the smallest idea of how many girls
are like you? worrying that they will die unloved by anyone. Girls that wait for someone just like you? Girls that
can appreciate who you are and what love you offer? and what do you do? U sit and cry...probbably pondering
suicide and other nonsense. For who? For someone who doesn't give a flying fuck about you. Find the one that
waits for you...she's there waiting just have some patience


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## Mercer (Nov 6, 2009)

Flamingo Jones said:


> I'll try to make a long story short. I really liked a girl for 3+ years. Like _really_ liked. Not to a stalker extent, but enough to where she was all I cared/thought about. I thought we were friends and that she cared about me, but I knew she never would care about me the way I cared about her. I told her about how I felt this summer, and she was as nice as someone could be about it. Needless to say, I was pretty broken-hearted.
> 
> Now, a couple weeks ago (November 20th, to be exact), she made it pretty darn clear that we really never were friends and she never cared about me at all. I would deny it if I didn't realize she was right. That left me in a much worse state than getting my heart broken in the summer. I had to do a lot of soul searching, and when I came back out, I was furious. Not with her, she never did anything wrong. I was angry at myself.
> 
> ...


i can really realte with you, especially witht he loss of friends and the basing your life around a girl and blah blah blah. i start college in less than a month. and im scared too

about the girl

this girl allowed you to be nice to her and probably buy her stuff because thats what girls do. they know what your thinking and how you feel from the minute they meet you, but if you let them have the power right away (or at all) they htink "this guy is a wussy, he cant satisfy me the way a man can, i'll let him be nice to me and buy me stuff, but he cant satusfy me like a man can." and i know that she sounds like a bitch but you know hwo the bad guy is? YOU! because you didnt think you were good enough for her so you tried to buy (manipulate) her with gifts and favors and hope that she'll sort of grow on you. but dont worry, it happends to all of us, me especially, and there i help. im going to post 2 links that will help you, read them atleast 4 times each. you may get angry, i got physically mad, when i was swallowing the blue pill on this one, and you will to.

about the friends.

keep in touch with the good friend, but know that you may lose touch someday, use your experience at college to make new friends.

Double Your Dating .pdf Ebook Download


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## Mercer (Nov 6, 2009)

Flamingo Jones said:


> I'll try to make a long story short. I really liked a girl for 3+ years. Like _really_ liked. Not to a stalker extent, but enough to where she was all I cared/thought about. I thought we were friends and that she cared about me, but I knew she never would care about me the way I cared about her. I told her about how I felt this summer, and she was as nice as someone could be about it. Needless to say, I was pretty broken-hearted.
> 
> Now, a couple weeks ago (November 20th, to be exact), she made it pretty darn clear that we really never were friends and she never cared about me at all. I would deny it if I didn't realize she was right. That left me in a much worse state than getting my heart broken in the summer. I had to do a lot of soul searching, and when I came back out, I was furious. Not with her, she never did anything wrong. I was angry at myself.
> 
> ...


my computer is gay, so im not sure if my first message went through, so incase you didnt get it, your in the wrong about the girl, but its not necessarily your fault. read the first link on this page. live by it.

Double Your Dating .pdf Ebook Download


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## Flamingo Jones (Oct 29, 2009)

[FONT=&quot]Wow. You guys are the best. More helpful than I could ever ask for. There are probably a couple things I should be more specific about.

I have never, ever looked for, wanted, or been open for any kind of relationship. That is the craziest thing about this whole ordeal. Somehow, I wanted that with her. Somehow, I fell for her. That's what I hate about "There's plenty of other fish in the sea." I know there is. I know there is someone much better out there for me than her, but what I don't get is _why_ I wanted this fish. 

I'm not a relationship person. I've known that since day one. It doesn't make sense to me why I wanted her. It would make even less sense if you guys knew me and knew her. So, so different. Everyone I've ever told has been shocked when I told them it was her. My best explanation for it is that I had a hole in my life when I met her, and I decided to fill that hole with the most attractive thing I saw. I can't even begin to tell you how much I abhor that explanation...

[/FONT]


TurranMC said:


> Yes I believe she is right. It sucks ass that the girl you cared about so much didn't care about you, it really does. But if you cared so much for her and she didn't care about you, did you really wanna date her anyway? There are literally over a billion other fish in the sea. Are you gonna let one chick ruin your whole life? You can't be much older than twenty if you are even that old. Short of getting hit by a bus or something you have a very long life ahead of you. Why let one chick ruin the rest of that? You're in school, you have friends who care for you, and you don't have some terminal disease. Shit will get better. Let your friends help you get over this slump so you can move forward.


I'm seventeen. I don't want her to ruin my life, and I keep saying I'm done with letting her indirectly control my life, but I just can't get my head around the "whys." I know most people can just say "Oh well," and move one with their lives, but there is just absolutely no way I can do that. Oh, and I do have a tumor behind my knee, but they say it's benign. :happy:


penpaperaser said:


> I think this is a normal case of a broken heart. I'm not belittling your problem but just telling you that you're not alone in this. I have a friend who, like you, started shutting people out after breaking up with her bf. I have experienced it as well. It is one of the most painful feeling to experience, but trust me, with time, as long as you try, you will be able to get over it. Meanwhile, try not to let it influence your life so much. And don't be so hard on yourself if you can't do it that well. I took a few weeks to be able to feel like my normal self again, and about a year to be able to feel completely neutral whenever he was mentioned, or whenever I meet him. Some people take longer, others shorter.
> 
> I suggest you try to do something to cheer yourself up. It's not good to wallow alone and push everyone else away. I used to do that, and it doesn't actually help much. I think maybe you can take time alone to organise your thougths, think of what you want to do to pull yourself out of that depression and then do it. Have a bit of fun, and maybe talk to someone about it when you're ready - perhaps someone who is close to you and have dealt with this kind of problem before. I'm sure they will be happy to help.


I sincerely thank you for the advice and encouragement. It is much appreciated and will not go to waste.


Tommy said:


> Hey mate, suck to be you, but you have to get over it.
> 
> That you actually wrote this to us means you have a bloody good experience to take with you on towards the future.
> 
> ...


I know nothing about your situation, and I am not saying this applies in your situation, but I decided for myself a long time ago that I would never make her love me, even if I could. If I did, I would be robbing two people (her and her boyfriend whom she loves very much) of the life they deserve. And yeah, one huge positive of this whole situation is that I am so much stronger coming out of it than I was going in.


Kevinaswell said:


> Stop giving a shit what situations you're in.
> 
> Regardless of whether it's an awesome one or not, no matter which way you look at it you still had a very MINIMAL influence on the events that caused you to get there. You're just one person. You can handle your actions, but those of the rest of the world aren't up to you at all.
> 
> ...


Trust me, I have some friends who are real jerks. I make it a point to be especially nice to them. And thanks. It helps being told that I didn't have a lot of choice in going through what I did, it's just kind of hard for me to believe.


Selene said:


> That's pretty devastating to find out that someone that you've invested that much energy and passion in doesn't have the slightest feelings in return.
> 
> I can see why you would be angry with her for not appreciating how much she meant to you and how powerful your feelings were. And I can see why you would be angry with yourself for having seemingly wasted all of this time deluding yourself and having your whole life revolve around a fantasy for 3 years.
> 
> ...


I don't even know you, but you are quite possibly the best person I have ever met. :happy: The bolded part of the quote was an epiphany for me. I had no idea I was connecting the two, but you are completely right. The subconscious is so amazing. I don't think that I'm right very often, but I had all of my faith in this-- in her. I trusted that she was honest, and that she cared about me, and she really considered us friends. As my sister once said, "When you put all of your eggs in one basket, you better hope that basket doesn't drop." Since all of my faith turned out to be misplaced, I just can't trust anyone anymore. 

If my past indicates my future, then I should believe that none of my friends will care about me after graduation. I have had so many people in my life that I loved very much, then we get separated by the least of margins and they could not care less about me. Every single time, without fail. It's so hard to not get myself to believe that when my past has once again just repeated itself, and this time, it was more hurtful than ever before. I'm so sick of being hurt, I just feel if I can push away all of the people I love now, they can't go and hurt me later. 

So, I guess the update on my week has been that I took both your and her advice. I stopped being sorry for myself, but I'm not pretending like I'm anywhere near okay. So pretty much, on the outside I'm as happy as a clam, but on the inside I'm just as bad as I was. The worst part is, my friends just acted like none of this ever happened. That doesn't sound like such a bad thing, but I've made it clear that the only change is external. They mentioned it every day when I was isolating myself, but since Wednesday, I haven't heard a word.

In my head, I interpret this as, "Oh, we didn't care that you were hurt, we just were sick of your whining and feeling sorry for yourself. We just didn't want you to bring you down with us as you fell." Obviously, this isn't what they're thinking, but it still kind of hurts. And some of my friends just went through some hard times, so I feel that I have to be strong for them. And they come to me, but as soon as they're better they turn away from me. I just feel like I'm everybody's wing man and no one's go-to guy, you know?

And I feel I can't go up to them and just bring it up. They've helped me through so much lately, and I know I'm such a needy person, I just feel if I bring this on them, they'll be sick of me. It's not their job to take care of me, and I would never ask them to. I really should be able to take care of myself, but in this situation, I just feel I need someone there to really pull me through it. 

I don't want to say my friends let me down or anything, but I felt for the first time in my life, I had people who really wanted to help me out no matter the cost. Maybe I do; it wouldn't be the first time I had been blinded to the fact. I just hate the feeling of my world crashing around me. If my friends just want me to stop being so dramatic and want me to just "get over it," then I'll put on a happy face and pretend to move on, because they deserve that from me. The last time I tried that, though, I had a nervous breakdown. *sigh* I hate deciding if the means are worth the end...

My reaction only really makes sense if you incorporate who I am into it. I have seen my friends go through things ten times worse than this, and actual break ups, but they just chin up and move on. It just makes me feel so weak. That's another major reason why I don't want to bring it up to them. If they see me as this weak person that I am, maybe that would change their perspective of me. Maybe they wouldn't come to me for advice or support. Maybe they wouldn't want to even be around me. It just seems like the tiniest little slip up and all of my friends will desert me, because I deserve it.


EvilByte said:


> You're looking at this in too dualistic of a sense. Your J wants clear definition and lines drawn exactly, but you're in a position where this is not likely to happen. This is not going to be easy, and their is no true guideline for you to follow. You are unique, and you may not even be very apt to accept input from others in such a pained and emotionally dark state. And I know that in such a state, any hostile, accusatory or perceived arrogant words are just going to turn you away. Because those people just don't "understand," and that feeling of being misunderstood is dominating the darkness in your soul right now.
> 
> I can only relationally say that I know how you feel, because I myself experienced a similar situation in high school. I desperately cared for a girl I had never really spoken to for about the same amount of time; maybe 3 years. I loved her so much, and would always justify my love for her and defend any faults she might have against any inner doubts I had. I created a fantasy world, where she was an idyllic princess; a perfect girl for me. And I lived in it totally. It was so lonely and difficult. But her ideal image also made me strive for perfection, so it's somewhat comforting to know that it made me work that much harder for my ideals.
> 
> ...


Wow. This one was by far the most encouraging of all of them. It is amazing to hear about someone who went through something so similar to what I am going through. You described my past and my present so perfectly, beautifully, and poetically, it just gives me so much hope for the future that you described. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I can now imagine it. You're advice will be treasured more than diamonds in my life, my friend. Thank you sincerely.


Alchemical Romance said:


> Here's how it is.
> 
> 
> 1.Self pity=0 loose it, it harms you more than it helps, you'll end up hating women in general
> ...


Thank you, man. Glad to hear things ended up going well for you. Congratulations. As I said, I really don't like playing the numbers game and I'm really not looking for a relationship, but I still appreciate the advice. By the way, both of my parents were born in Romania. Just a random fact.


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## Gracie (Dec 13, 2009)

Hey, Flamingo Jones. I'm going to try to answer this as well as I can. I recently broke up with my fiancé, so I know a thing or two about broken hearts:bored:

First of all, we really can't help who our heart chooses to love, so please stop beating yourself up about that. However misguided or seemingly futile it may seem, love is never a bad thing or a negative force. Infatuation can beI suppose, if it leads you to cross boundaries or invade someone's space, but love never is. There are much worse things you could spend 3 years doing than loving someone unrequitedly. I was with my ex-fiancé for nearly 5 years, I could easily feel embittered about the apparent waste of my time, but there is no point.

I'm going to throw this out there - I find that if I try to suppress feelings I experience, because I feel they are wrong or unfair, they last longer becuase I'm preventing myself from really processing them. Stop trying to put a finger in the dam holding back your emotion and your pain. You need to feel it, it's like grieving over a bereavement. You invested a lot in this girl, and even though your feelings were not returned you still cared for her deeply. That's rough, Flamingo. Really rough, and I'm not just saying that to make you feel better. As an INFJ like myself, you are a deeply sensitive person and to be rejected by someone you were so wholeheartedly devoted to is going to hurt. A lot.

Just let yourself feel what it is natural for you to feel at this time, let it out, and then allow the moving on process to begin naturally. Use it as an experience to learn from - all of these painful lessons can be worthwhile. You must have learned something from those 3-4 years, use it as something to take with you as you move forward in life. Make something positive out of it. It is of great comfort to me to know that while my relationship didn't work out, there are lessons I can take from my experience with him that will enable me to be a better partner in the future. All is not lost, just because she didn't love you back. With any luck, the next girl to achieve your unshakeable devotion will reciprocate, and you can channel all of the painful lessons you learned here into something beautiful.roud:


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## Mercer (Nov 6, 2009)

Flamingo Jones said:


> [FONT=&quot]Wow. You guys are the best. More helpful than I could ever ask for. There are probably a couple things I should be more specific about.
> 
> I have never, ever looked for, wanted, or been open for any kind of relationship. That is the craziest thing about this whole ordeal. Somehow, I wanted that with her. Somehow, I fell for her. That's what I hate about "There's plenty of other fish in the sea." I know there is. I know there is someone much better out there for me than her, but what I don't get is _why_ I wanted this fish.
> 
> ...


......did you even consider my advice?


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## Flamingo Jones (Oct 29, 2009)

Mercer said:


> ......did you even consider my advice?


Yeah. I skimmed over the book to get the general idea. I appreciate your advice, and I completely understand where the book is coming from, I just completely disagree with it. I will never consciously make myself something I'm not. I mean, if I was just interested in picking up girls, I'm sure I would use the advice. I just have no intent of that. If I ever have any interest in a long-term relationship, I would wait to find a girl who truly loved me for who I really was. Settling for any less is nowhere near worth it. And, believe it or not, those types of girls really are out there.

Thanks for caring enough to offer help and advice, though. :happy:


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## Mercer (Nov 6, 2009)

Flamingo Jones said:


> Yeah. I skimmed over the book to get the general idea. I appreciate your advice, and I completely understand where the book is coming from, I just completely disagree with it. I will never consciously make myself something I'm not. I mean, if I was just interested in picking up girls, I'm sure I would use the advice. I just have no intent of that. If I ever have any interest in a long-term relationship, I would wait to find a girl who truly loved me for who I really was. Settling for any less is nowhere near worth it. And, believe it or not, those types of girls really are out there.
> 
> Thanks for caring enough to offer help and advice, though. :happy:


the holy grail dose not exist. there is no one woman, there is only every woman. its not about picking up girls for one night stands its about learning how attraction works for women and how to utilize that. no girl will like you for you until they are attracted to you. and no girl will be attracted to you until you stop giving them all the power and groveling to them. stop putting the pussy on a pedestal. every girl has or develops elimination programms to filter out undesrable mates, and your "be myself and try to buy them off with kindness and gifts and money" is the least attractive thing in the world, seriously, it turns them right off. you'll, if your lucky, get friend zoned and you'll be relied on for emotional support and compliments but you'll never get where you want to be. and when you push the envelope, and she see's her friend-zone-wuusbag trying to cross the barrier from friend to lover she'll ex communicate you. and then , too many times, you'll realize (or she might tell you) that she never really gave a shit about you. 

i know how it sounds, and i know how your feeling, but you need to swallow the red pill on this one, you need to understand that your fairy tale way of doing things just dosnt work, its just not real. women want a man to take control, you need to be in control and dominant, so you can satisfy her primal needs, then you be yourself. this stuff is proven, it works. it fits on so many levels. time after time you'll get shot down but that information is always there when your ready to hear the truth.


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## Flamingo Jones (Oct 29, 2009)

We're going to have to agree to disagree on this one, bud. I agree that most women become attracted through the way you described. Most. I am not trying to force some fairy tale belief on you. I see it all around me every day. I can see it in my parents. My mother was never attracted to my father because he was agressive and took control. She was attracted to him because he is a very loving, caring, and gentle person. He would never hurt a fly. I see it in my friends. People become more attracted to others the better they get to know them. Not every woman has the same standard for what a man should be. If that woman gets to know that man better and finds him to be more and more like her standard, she will become more attracted to him. I don't believe in "the one" either, man. I just believe that true love really exists, and that everyone can find someone out there who loves them for who they really are. But I'm just an NF. What do I know. :wink:


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## Falcon of the Light (Dec 16, 2009)

This is a tragic situation. I would be pissed as hell too. 

Your reaction to the situation is a normal one-- the fear of further emotional pain. 
Fear, as you have probably realized, has a nasty habit of paralyzing. 

I would suggest that you feel that pain and endure it. Your eyes will well up in tears as you accept what happened to you but it will soon end. You will realize that you have increased your tolerance for pain. This will not only make you stronger but will also help you be friends with anyone.

Accepting the pain is the first step to healing.
Finally, you must have an image of healing. For me, I consider myself a sunken warship rising from the depths of the Ocean of pain. I am the crew, the captain and the ship. There are other warships out there but none can sink me because I have survived the deepest pain. 

Don't give up.


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## Mercer (Nov 6, 2009)

Falcon of the Light said:


> This is a tragic situation. I would be pissed as hell too.
> 
> Your reaction to the situation is a normal one-- the fear of further emotional pain.
> Fear, as you have probably realized, has a nasty habit of paralyzing.
> ...


 
there is nothing tragic about this situation. it happends all the time and is NORMAL for guys who dont know the game. and its going to keep happening until he accepts the truth.


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## Tommy (Nov 25, 2009)

Mercer... Nobody can love us if we aren't ourselves. 

There's no reason to push your message, he already got it.


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## Falcon of the Light (Dec 16, 2009)

It's not a question of knowing the game but knowing your own value and where you stand, IMO.

Painful experiences act like a cage that blocks out the beautiful world, the psychological attacks keep the person focused only on pain, and the fear of pain and not being able to overcome them through acceptance locks that person in a cage.

From personal experience, breaking out of this cage is extremely tough. 
But if done, there are huge rewards like peace of mind, respect, love, and opens up higher levels of growth.


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