# How does an adult meet another adult?



## Melancholia (Mar 22, 2013)

Does anyone know how, as an adult, you are supposed to meet other adults. People are 'everywhere', but by meeting I don't mean just having a casual conversation in passing, usually about something meaningless such as: 
_"Oh, isn't this elevator slow today?" 
- "Yeah....it is." 
- "Okay, well then, Bye!"_

I live in the UK so by our very nature, everyone is grouped into familial sects, and are generally not very perceptive to other strange external entities encroaching on their already prefabricated social group. Although there must be a ton of people out there, who don't have any friends, who would like to at least have someone to talk to. Someone they can kind of open up to, meet up with regularly, invitations to each others homes, etc. 

Being mid-twenties, and a non-university attendee, I have been working since my late teens. I left school without any friends or social group, due to my social phobia/anxiety. So when I had finished with further education and decided against university (for all its immaterialness) and I managed to find a job. Luckily I work with very nice people, who they are subsequently much older than me, most have families and young children of their own. They remain colleagues, albeit very friendly and helpful ones. 

My question is that since the world is venomously closed off to meeting new people, how is one meant to find someone once you are outside of a scholastic environment? I'm not sure what to try anymore, but I will give a break down to what I have tried, what my interests are and so on. Sorry if this is a lengthy post; I don't mean to waffle on. I am just looking for some advice from people who may have been there. Note that I am living in England, quite a distance from the London epicenter. Therefore, the cultural diversity is a little more marginalized and less open-minded to new ideas. 

*- Join a Club*

This is my favorite suggestion. I think people just don't realize that there aren't really many clubs to join. 

Hiking - Otherwise known as 'Ramblers', a bunch of over-65 retired old dears.

Bookclub - What if I am not a big reader, or simply prefer to invest my time in activities that I find more meaningful to me? The last thing I want to do is to discuss literature and it's meaning at the post-modernist level. 

Evening Courses - There is an extraordinary small amount of evening courses. I have tried to learn languages, but if it isn't in your heart to learn the language - you aren't going to stick at it. I have joined over 6 different language courses in the past 5 years. I have joined an A Level course in Biology, and amongst other things. What I do love about evening courses is that everyone is 'dying' to get away from each other at the end of the night. Nobody wants to meet up for a bite to eat after, nobody want to do anything or get together and 'practice'. They're just desperate to catch their train home immediately. 

*- Just be out*

I have walked aimlessly around town in the past, coming home feeling dejected that nobody stood next to me at some point, were a conversation may have ensued. I have sat alone in cafés and coffee shops. Life isn't a movie screenplay though. Nobody is interested in you, nobody is going to ask if this seat is taken and then proceed to question the book you are reading. Is it any good? Oh I've read that too... None of that exists in the real world so to speak. 

Libraries offer nothing 'but' solace from other people. They are occupied by school children pratting about on the computers that their parents can't afford to buy at home, old people researching family lineage, and 'nobody' talking to each other. It sounds like a diabolical way to meet people - but still people continue to suggest this idea. Is it just me that is going nuts?

Nightclub - Going to a night club on your own? (Remember I do not have a single friend to be my 'wingbuddy') Well that pretty much ends that argument! Plus Nightclubs are terrible anyway. I'd have to kick my own ass if I ever went into one. 


*- Volunteering*
When people suggest volunteering, I am not entirely sure on where they are coming from. Perhaps the American version of volunteering is different. There isn't much here apart from helping the elderly with their shopping, and voluntary jobs geared to the heavy/strong extrovert. A post not becoming to someone who already has a difficult time dealing with people solo, rather than a large interspersed crowd control gig. 

Lets not forget that you are there to do a 'job'. The atmosphere still feels very similar to work. I always seem to get put with the same 'mid/late 50s' voluntary archetype. A lot of voluntary jobs also require the participant to be 'skilled'. You cannot be a counselor if you haven't had training, a football coach if you hate football, a youth worker if you hate being around children. The only voluntary jobs that would suit me are those that would require me to work alone. 



I find that a lot of the things I do, in desperation, to meet people are things I wouldn't normally take up on my own accord. I am not a foreign language person, I don't speak a lot for one, so I wouldn't really have much interest in learning to speak another one. I can barely manage English as it is! Of course I am not going to keep up the motivation. 

A lot of my hobbies are primarily solitary interests. I like listening to music, and I like going to classical music recitals every once in a while. People are not really interested in talking there either. They're usually 'musos' who are learning the pieces themselves. They don't wish to consort with musical plebeians. =P I play a little piano, but only at a basic level. I wouldn't be able to join an amateur orchestra or anything. Finding an 'amateur' orchestra that can afford a Steinway or concert level piano would potentially be more comical than letting me rip on one! =P

I like a few creative things; I am into photoshop and graphics, at a purely amateur level. My works look like they have been crafted by someone using a mixture of Microsoft Publisher and MS paint. It's not like I have anything to show. I like watching movies, but there are no film clubs around here. Remember this is north-west England - not London. People here do nothing generally...apart from pump out kids!  

My other hobbies are...surfing the web and reading random things on Wikipedia. I don't see a 'group' or 'club' for that kind of thing in the world. I like playing the odd video game, but I'm not 14 years of age anymore. I don't wish that to be the defining aspect of our relationship. =\

Meetup.com doesn't work in the UK. Unless you are a sweaty nerd playing board games, or an over 40s divorcee looking to hang around in tea houses with other old divorcees, and couples too bored with each other - to hang out with each other anymore.

Sorry for the negative outlook in this thread. Just a little unsure what to do. Bonus points to people who suggest paid escorts!  

Any help? Thankus muchos!


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## jbking (Jun 4, 2010)

Let's back up for a moment. Why are you wanting to meet someone? Is it to get a date, is it to make a friend, is it to gain strategic alliances for your career? What is the mission here, in other words? Be clear on this point as most of your post seemed like, "While I want to meet people, these people SUCK!" which isn't the greatest of messages to be putting out there. Know what is the point of getting out to say hello to someone here.

Which causes have meaning for you? Volunteering within that realm may make more sense than trying to do something that makes little sense to you. When it comes to volunteering, I've done more than a few things here in Calgary, Alberta, Canada. I've been part of a group cooking meals for homeless people, I've sorted clothes that were for those getting back on their feet, I've made relief kits for families in need, I've made cards for people in homeless shelters, I've cooked meals for people dealing with children dealing with cancer treatments, I've cooked food for church functions, I helped make a website for a non-profit. There are lots of different ways to show up in the world and this is something to consider.

Have you considered if there are community associations that may provide events that could be a way to get out more? Have you considered what kind of event is what you want to find? Where are you looking for events? I know there are more than a few places I go where there will be signs for various events in addition to looking on Facebook to find things as well.

Within Calgary there are lots of different clubs I've found, some through mutual acquaintances, some through Meetup.com, and some just by being open to seeing what would come up for me.

Libraries may offer groups a chance to get together to share things. This could be someone talking about taking a trip to climb K2 or it could be about learning to cook raw food, either way this is something that requires you to ask some people to learn of the opportunity rather than assume that nothing is out there.

Have you considered if there is a local music group that could want people to help raise funds?

Have you asked people at various galleries if there are events where you could look at others work? I remember there was a one-night art festival here in Calgary called "Nuit Blanche" that had more than a few people around. There are also a number of one day festivals where the key is to find a way to be aware of these happening.

While you say Meetup doesn't work, have you considered putting together a photography group for a little while and see if that works? Perhaps there are a few others like you in NW England and if you make it, others will come.

While you may be out of school, could you drop by a college or university that may have an event about one of your interests that could work as a way to meet people? While you aren't a student, the central location could be a way to find others. Have you considered if there is a local chamber of commerce or other government group that could be useful for pointing out places to go find a group.

If you want something a bit more challenging, here are a couple of other ideas:

You could try visiting various churches as a way to broaden your social circle for another possibility. Politics may be another option for finding others to get together and build a network.


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## Melancholia (Mar 22, 2013)

jbking said:


> Let's back up for a moment. Why are you wanting to meet someone? Is it to get a date, is it to make a friend, is it to gain strategic alliances for your career? What is the mission here, in other words? Be clear on this point as most of your post seemed like, "While I want to meet people, these people SUCK!" which isn't the greatest of messages to be putting out there. Know what is the point of getting out to say hello to someone here.


The reason for meeting someone, is just because I feel lonely. I feel like I am drifting by - going through life by staying in my house and just coming on this forum night-after-night to complain about how much my life is kind of pointless. I am not a 'social' person by nature, in fact I pretty much dislike the idea. I would rather 'stay in', but people don't generally like or accept people like me. If I just stay in - I will remain lonely for the rest of my life anyway. I get very emotional though, if I am doing something I dislike, or I feel that it is going nowhere. I end up a mess, and I end up just hiding away in my bedroom just wanting the world to 'stop being mean'. Not a good look! I guess it would be nice to meet a girl. 



jbking said:


> Which causes have meaning for you? Volunteering within that realm may make more sense than trying to do something that makes little sense to you. When it comes to volunteering, I've done more than a few things here in Calgary, Alberta, Canada. I've been part of a group cooking meals for homeless people, I've sorted clothes that were for those getting back on their feet, I've made relief kits for families in need, I've made cards for people in homeless shelters, I've cooked meals for people dealing with children dealing with cancer treatments, I've cooked food for church functions, I helped make a website for a non-profit. There are lots of different ways to show up in the world and this is something to consider.


If I am truly honest? There aren't any causes that have any meaning to me. I feel heartless saying that, but I feel that my only reason for volunteering would be out of the possibility of meeting someone nice. Volunteering with vested interests doesn't seem particularly fair to the organisation I am volunteering for, or the people I am supposed to be helping. This is my dilemma. Like I say, this was suggested to me...it was not something that I came up with on my own volition. Maybe here lies the problem!



jbking said:


> Have you considered if there are community associations that may provide events that could be a way to get out more? Have you considered what kind of event is what you want to find? Where are you looking for events? I know there are more than a few places I go where there will be signs for various events in addition to looking on Facebook to find things as well.


I have considered! I have been on the council website. I have looked around; I am not interested in 'local history' seminars. That is the only kind of thing that the local community really have established. Most of the events are arranged for the elderly, simply because only the elderly are interested in bird populations, the history of glass and coal. It is pretty difficult to be infused with any vitality for life, and a gusto to attend these events.



jbking said:


> Within Calgary there are lots of different clubs I've found, some through mutual acquaintances, some through Meetup.com, and some just by being open to seeing what would come up for me.


I can give you a list of all the groups that appear in meetup.com within 50 miles of my local area if you like? They range from the plain weird, to the weirder. They're full of spiritual new age groups, 'guys only' naturalist groups (hmmm, suspect?), table-top rpg gamers groups. 



jbking said:


> Libraries may offer groups a chance to get together to share things. This could be someone talking about taking a trip to climb K2 or it could be about learning to cook raw food, either way this is something that requires you to ask some people to learn of the opportunity rather than assume that nothing is out there.


I have looked in libraries, but everything listed there relates back to the council websites and their farcical events. I have tried these avenue paths. 



jbking said:


> Have you considered if there is a local music group that could want people to help raise funds?


Fund-raising is perhaps the most nightmare-ish of things I could ever possibly consider. I don't want to spend all day standing on a street corner, trying to 'impose' myself ruthlessly on helpless passers by. Trying to guilt them into giving us money. Nothing I hate more! If people 'wanted' to give, they would give without me needing to hassle the life out of them.



jbking said:


> Have you asked people at various galleries if there are events where you could look at others work? I remember there was a one-night art festival here in Calgary called "Nuit Blanche" that had more than a few people around. There are also a number of one day festivals where the key is to find a way to be aware of these happening.


It all depends on what your interests are I suppose. I have been in a local modern art gallery here...but people aren't there to meet people. There doesn't seem to be any way to talk to people, apart from that awkward weird chitchat that fundamentally leads to nothing but... "Nice talking to you". 



jbking said:


> While you say Meetup doesn't work, have you considered putting together a photography group for a little while and see if that works? Perhaps there are a few others like you in NW England and if you make it, others will come.


I have created a meetup group in the past, but I am not good at organizing 'anything'. I am purely a follower, and when I tried to create a film group on there, a few people joined but nothing really happened with it. I want to meet people my own age - I am a little sick of people being over 40 on there. I know that sounds cruel, but I am trying to find something meaningful and lasting.



jbking said:


> While you may be out of school, could you drop by a college or university that may have an event about one of your interests that could work as a way to meet people? While you aren't a student, the central location could be a way to find others. Have you considered if there is a local chamber of commerce or other government group that could be useful for pointing out places to go find a group.


I have been to universities to enquire about courses. Again, the courses I have been on are so impersonal. People aren't interested in meeting people! They are there to get through the course, and almost 'run' out of the door when the class has finished. It feels so helpless.



jbking said:


> If you want something a bit more challenging, here are a couple of other ideas:
> 
> You could try visiting various churches as a way to broaden your social circle for another possibility. Politics may be another option for finding others to get together and build a network.


What if you don't like discussing your opinions to such a high degree? I have a 'little' voice in the world. I don't feel the need to impart 'my' opinion on individuals. Going to a church for me, is a little like a democrat going to a 'only republicans allowed' dinner party. Not going to work! 

I do appreciate you suggesting things for me though. It's just a shame that a lot of the things you have mentioned...I have already tried. Directly or indirectly. =\


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## Serak (Jul 26, 2012)

I'll keep this brief. I feel you, I do. However I think a lot of your issue with people is rooted around the same thing here.

You do not need to be an extrovert to be outgoing.

People don't come to you, you have to go to them. If you need help sparking some social interaction, do a few social improvisation routines. Look at something, perhaps a random clip on Youtube or off of television, and talk about it for five minutes straight. No stopping. It's pretty natural, you pick up on it quickly, and you can avoid those clueless elevator scenarios.

Secondarily, if that's not up your alley perhaps you should ask if you actually _want_ to interact with more people. A tough question, but one you might want to pose.


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## jbking (Jun 4, 2010)

Melancholia said:


> If I am truly honest? There aren't any causes that have any meaning to be. I feel heartless saying that, but I feel that my only reason for volunteering would be out of the possibility of meeting someone nice. Volunteering with vested interests doesn't seem particularly fair to the organisation I am volunteering for, or the people I am supposed to be helping. This is my dilemma. Like I say, this was suggested to me...it was not something that I came up with on my own volition. Maybe here lies the problem!


This would explain how the volunteering doesn't work well for you since your heart isn't in it. While it isn't a big problem, this is one of my common starting points since this allows one to pick something from here to get one involved in things. Those that love animals may help build dog houses or do various other activities to help the environment and stuff.



Melancholia said:


> I have been to universities to enquire about courses. Again, the courses I have been on are so impersonal. People aren't interested in meeting people! They are there to get through the course, and almost 'run' out of the door when the class has finished. It feels so helpless.


My suggestion isn't about courses but rather *groups and clubs*. While I work at a polytechnic institute there are more than a few social things that may happen there regularly and thus can provide some social stimulation for me. I can remember having a Crypto-Club meeting that was rather neat. Other times there could be exhibitions from various health and wellness companies that could provide a way to talk to other people.



Melancholia said:


> What if you don't like discussing your opinions to such a high degree? I have a 'little' voice in the world. I don't feel the need to impart 'my' opinion on individuals. Going to a church for me, is a little like a democrat going to a 'only republicans allowed' dinner party. Not going to work!


That's where there is some growth to happen on the one hand and on the other, recognize that you don't have to state that much. After all, you are the new person at these places and thus you may have questions about their faith while they may have questions about your background. For Christian churches you could claim to be a Prodigal Son if you were raised within the faith. This was just something to consider as a way to get out and meet people remember? I'm sure there are some Democrats that would show up at Republican events and vice versa.

If it helps consider what kind of mindset do you have thinking about going to a church. Do you think you have to convince them that you are of the faith? Do you think you have to share your opinion in its entirety? Seems kind of strange to me as I can remember going to churches here in Canada and the key was to just be open and honest. We all have our past, sometimes it can be interesting to see how others view the idea of someone new coming out to things.


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## Melancholia (Mar 22, 2013)

Serak said:


> I'll keep this brief. I feel you, I do. However I think a lot of your issue with people is rooted around the same thing here.
> 
> You do not need to be an extrovert to be outgoing.
> 
> ...


I know I am not that outgoing. I don't really like being 'out' much. I dunno how I can change that though, if that is my natural inclination. I don't enjoy being around lots of people. I just want someone to spend time with I guess. Most people don't really want someone boring like me I guess. 

Life of solitary bacholarism here I come!


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## Melancholia (Mar 22, 2013)

jbking said:


> My suggestion isn't about courses but rather *groups and clubs*. While I work at a polytechnic institute there are more than a few social things that may happen there regularly and thus can provide some social stimulation for me. I can remember having a Crypto-Club meeting that was rather neat. Other times there could be exhibitions from various health and wellness companies that could provide a way to talk to other people.


The answer is simply no, there isn't. The colleges here barely care about their students, they do 'just' enough to keep their OFSTED marks up to scratch. A community college organising socials is UNHEARD of here. I have never known anything outside of Higher Education Universities that do this, and that is purely for their students during their freshers week.



jbking said:


> That's where there is some growth to happen on the one hand and on the other, recognize that you don't have to state that much. After all, you are the new person at these places and thus you may have questions about their faith while they may have questions about your background. For Christian churches you could claim to be a Prodigal Son if you were raised within the faith. This was just something to consider as a way to get out and meet people remember? I'm sure there are some Democrats that would show up at Republican events and vice versa.
> 
> If it helps consider what kind of mindset do you have thinking about going to a church. Do you think you have to convince them that you are of the faith? Do you think you have to share your opinion in its entirety? Seems kind of strange to me as I can remember going to churches here in Canada and the key was to just be open and honest. We all have our past, sometimes it can be interesting to see how others view the idea of someone new coming out to things.


I don't ever think I have to convince someone I am of a faith, but why would I be friends with people I cannot be truly honest with? I would ask the question on why would somebody atheistic want to go to a church, if they have fully decided that they are not interested in the doctrines? With that logic, I could go to a Scientology seminar...but why would I if I think it is hocus pocus?


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## Serak (Jul 26, 2012)

No, no, no. If you want it then don't you _dare_ just throw in the towel. Just because your inclination is towards solitude or not being "out" doesn't mean you can't be fun. I get compliments on my personality all of the time, told I have excellent social skills, and even get overwhelmingly positive reviews on interviews and the like. I am an INTJ of all things. You don't need to enjoy being around lots of people to be nice company.

It's really not a matter of change, Melancholia, as it is growth. We're a social species. Just like sex, we were _literally born to do it._ Exploring and building your weaknesses, such as perceived social weakness, isn't changing yourself. It's making yourself more well-rounded.

Whether you choose to do this or not is your call. However I would recommend it. Go out, break your comfort zone, and watch yourself do it badly and get rejected. Then do it again anyway. Sucks, but it works.

In fact, it works so fast that might be surprised to find that you can skip that first rejection altogether. I have tons of friends. I have not yet met the person I simply can't have a nice conversation with. Granted, it's not always about philosophy or world issues (though, surprisingly, that is a very big part) but that's expected. There's more to being human than that.

Give yourself a chance, bro. You might like what you find.


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## Melancholia (Mar 22, 2013)

Serak said:


> No, no, no. If you want it then don't you _dare_ just throw in the towel. Just because your inclination is towards solitude or being "out" doesn't mean you can't be fun. I get compliments on my personality all of the time, told I have excellent social skills, and even get overwhelmingly positive reviews on interviews and the like. I am an INTJ of all things. You don't need to enjoy being around lots of people to be nice company.
> 
> It's really not a matter of change, Melancholia, as it is growth. We're a social species. Just like sex, we were _literally born to do it._ Exploring and building your weaknesses, such as perceived social weakness, isn't changing yourself. It's making yourself more well-rounded.
> 
> ...


Where would be the best places to practice, do you know? I am 'terrified' of rejection. It literately makes me want to vomit when I am out in public. I don't know how to get past it! My social skills are pretty poor, but I put this down to being out of touch with people. I am not really interested in people sometimes. I don't like the mainstream, not out of choice, but just because I have a tendency to go for niche areas. So I don't really have anything to contribute to conversations, because I have nothing to talk about.


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## Serak (Jul 26, 2012)

I have honestly vomited in public from anxiety.
Do it. People come to your side, you can tell them the story, and you get pats on the backs and "Awwwwh!"s from cute girls.

The best places to practice? You're practicing right now, bro. Text and verbal, face to face are different; yes. But you're still interacting with me. Even @jbking over there. Skype is a wonderful tool, use it. Break out of your shell however you want. For me, it's the internet. Work is great but there are very few people in my places of employment that I enjoy talking to. The internet gives me light-speed access to so many people. You included.

Conversation isn't so much the words being said, it's the experience.

If you're still struggling to find things to talk about, really. Do try the social improv stuff. Maybe do a little research or something. You might find out something even better for you. But really, to practice talking you don't so much need to do it with people as you need to do it with yourself. I have never seen a case where the social anxiety was a pure fear of others.

It is usually a fear of the self, a fear of what responses your actions will beget. Work on that and everything else snaps back into place.


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## Melancholia (Mar 22, 2013)

Serak said:


> I have honestly vomited in public from anxiety.
> Do it. People come to your side, you can tell them the story, and you get pats on the backs and "Awwwwh!"s from cute girls.
> 
> The best places to practice? You're practicing right now, bro. Text and verbal, face to face are different; yes. But you're still interacting with me. Even @_jbking_ over there. Skype is a wonderful too, use it. Break out of your shell however you want. For me, it's the internet. Work is great but there are very few people in my places of employment that I enjoy talking to. The internet gives me light-speed access to so many people. You included.
> ...


I find writing is much easier for me than verbal discourse. I just cannot seem to translate my ability at conversing over the internet, into a real world situation. 

Haha! I'll take your word on the vomiting and getting the pats on the back. It may work when you are young, but at my age, it's more like "Get a grip, idiot! Act like an adult!" You get to an age when things stop being cute and infantile, and just become an odd, socially inept old man! =P 

I'll YouTube some of the social improvisation techniques that you told me about. Hopefully it might help!


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## Serak (Jul 26, 2012)

No idea how old you are.
I'm twenty.

I think you might be surprised. But really, what have you got to lose? A bit of embarrassment? Some of your time? If you actually spent hours walking around town aimlessly then that's clearly not an issue for you.

And hey, if you prefer communicating over text then totally go for it. I did for a long time, but now I'm better verbally than in text. So now I prefer verbal. I'm a writer as well, so that helps!

Good luck. PerC will be here.
And never give up.


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## Melancholia (Mar 22, 2013)

Serak said:


> No idea how old you are.
> I'm twenty.
> 
> I think you might be surprised. But really, what have you got to lose? A bit of embarrassment? Some of your time? If you actually spent hours walking around town aimlessly then that's clearly not an issue for you.
> ...


I'm twenty-five. Its not something I would like to get into. I don't want to keep acting like a 'victim'. It just makes me come across as hopeless. Unfortunately I am pretty useless at most things, so I come across that way most of the time. Another reason to hide! Haha. 

I have been communicating in text for too long. That is what is makes me depressed. It is so disconnected. Writing isn't really the same, because you have all the time in the world to thing of a rebuttal. I could have spent 10 minutes on a sentence on here, but it comes across as fluid when somebody reads it when I post the message. I don't have that luxury in real life. 

All I have to lose is my sanity. I don't manage stressful situations well. I just break down and become worse. =\


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## Serak (Jul 26, 2012)

Well you've got me at your back.

If I might be bold and make another suggestion: Talk to more people on PerC. You just joined this month, give it time. The more you do it the better you'll feel about it. At the same time, instant environments are much more natural. Skype is, again, fantastic. I wish PerC had some sort of chatbox, though I can only imagine how flooded that might get.

Take it one at a time. Ever try randomly PMing a member? I mean I don't know about everyone else here, but if I found a random PM from someone who just saw my posts and wanted to say something to me, that'd be really exciting. I imagine many others might feel that way as well. You very well might make someone's day.

Maybe it'll make your day too.


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## Melancholia (Mar 22, 2013)

Serak said:


> Well you've got me at your back.
> 
> If I might be bold and make another suggestion: Talk to more people on PerC. You just joined this month, give it time. The more you do it the better you'll feel about it. At the same time, instant environments are much more natural. Skype is, again, fantastic. I wish PerC had some sort of chatbox, though I can only imagine how flooded that might get.
> 
> ...


I have PM'd one or two people on here. Although I can't seem to stay interested for very long. Since I know that they are some 9000 miles away, I just don't invest the time. It is not like I am going to meet people here in real life...so the incentive is already gone. Sometimes I get an urge to talk to someone, but the conversation soon dies down and the sentences become shorter and shorter. Until it gets to "Yeah...okay!" Nothing else to say kinda territory. =\


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## Serak (Jul 26, 2012)

You never know.
A person on INTJforum once made a topic. They asked to talk to someone, anyone, on Skype. Voice to voice. No one was really interested. A few were like "E-mail is cool." or something, except one person. Me. I jumped right in.

We talked for hours every day for months. They were really cool! In fact, things lined up and I flew across the continent to hang out with them for a week.

Even before that there was still a lot of fun and meaning in the ideas we shared and the fun we had. It was real, even if I could not so easily reach out and touch that person. Didn't matter.

That might just be me, it might be more important to you, but I'm not saying you need to stay with that forever. Instead I suggest it only as a place to start until you can more easily interact with those people physically around you.


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## JoshH (Mar 14, 2013)

I would be interested in the OP's question as well. I want to meet some people for live conversation, tired of typing. Also have a thread, no useful answers yet.


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## Melancholia (Mar 22, 2013)

The post was really to ask for alternative places to meet people. Since there are a distinct lack of clubs in my area and meetup.com in the UK appears to be the playground for the borderline-pensionable aged citizens. 

I'm afraid that there won't be many answers aside from online-dating websites. The problem with those websites is that they are heavily skewed towards people who are 'conventionally' good looking, and fill all the criterium posted on a Wikipedia 'Physical Attractiveness'. So I am afraid I haven't really discovered any other answers. There doesn't seem to be a solution for quiet people who don't have a personality that people flock around by nature. 

In my own opinion; I would say I am just not very good at doing life. I have never been a good speaker, at any point in my life, and never had any friends past 14 years of age. I spent my entire youth dreaming of a perfect marriage for godsake, but was too fearful and shy around anyone, that to this day I have never managed to formulate any sort of friendship/relationship with anyone of the opposite sex. Kind of pathetic really!


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## BlackSnow (Feb 2, 2012)

You need to make up your mind. I've read the whole topic and it is like:
I want to meet people, but people suck, but I don't want to be lonely, so I need to try something, but trying something may be scary, uuuh I am afraid of scary stuff so I won't do anything. You want to or you don't, it is that simple.

Is little embarrassment more scary that being forever alone?
I don't thing so.
You're sucha hipster that you have nothing to talk about with normal people? 
Oh poor you. Watch some mainstream BS and try to get on a bit with politics. Problem solved. That would require effort right?
You're on your tragic self-esteem loop, to break it you need to start doing stuff. Do some baby steps and don't beat yourself up when you fail. We all fail, that's how human beings learn to succeed.

You won't live your life unless you do. Stop the self pity, because it's the easy way out of doing the real stuff. You think you suck at everything, that is not true, stop deluding yourself. No one ever has sucked at everything, because it is simply impossible.

You need to make the decision. You want to jump or rather sit still in your comfort zone?

Ps.: Nothing interesting happens in the comfort zone.


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## Melancholia (Mar 22, 2013)

BlackSnow said:


> You need to make up your mind. I've read the whole topic and it is like:
> I want to meet people, but people suck, but I don't want to be lonely, so I need to try something, but trying something may be scary, uuuh I am afraid of scary stuff so I won't do anything. You want to or you don't, it is that simple.
> 
> Is little embarrassment more scary that being forever alone?
> ...


The problem is how do you control the fear, that it doesn't completely overcome you and you become nothing but a silent mess? Also...again, where to go - where people actually talk to you and are open to conversation. Maybe I come across as being like a deer staring into headlights, but I don't know how to turn that feeling or appearance off. 

I have tried things though, it's not that I am not willing to try - it's just that I never seem to be in a situation that presents people who really would like to make a new friend. Instead I end up just coming across people who want someone to 'use words on' whilst I am in the company of a person. Like I said, I have been to countless course/voluntary schemes/cafes/libraries/cities. 

To what level should I subject myself to abject embarassment though? Like screaming down the inside of a pub? "I WANT FRIENDS, JOIN ME!" I'm not sure to what level I have to go to? How much I have to detach from my own persona? Do I have to become a completely different person before someone likes me? How long can you keep up the facade? It's a bit like going on the internet, and chatting to people but pretending to be something you are not. It's not sustainable. 

Okay! Lets pretend that all the self-hatred, and neurosis has been evaporated from the topic and lets just say that the original post says only this sentence.

Where does one meet people, of a similar age (twenties), that is socially acceptable to meet and talk to people, without coming across as a wierdo? Discounting weird ideas like supermarkets? =P


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## BlackSnow (Feb 2, 2012)

Melancholia said:


> The problem is how *do you control the fear,* that it doesn't completely overcome you and you become nothing but a silent mess? Also...again, where to go - where people actually talk to you and are open to conversation. Maybe I come across as being like a deer staring into headlights, but I don't know how to turn that feeling or appearance off.


 You don't. You brake the goddamn wall and do what you have to do despite the fear. Well people talk to people in public places lol. It isn't simple as that like you go to x,y,z and it will solve your problem. People aren't the problem. Your fear is.


> I have tried things though, it's not that I am not willing to try - it's just that I never seem to be in a situation that presents people who really would like to make a new friend. Instead I end up just coming across people who want someone to 'use words on' whilst I am in the company of a person. Like I said, I have been to countless course/voluntary schemes/cafes/libraries/cities.


That's good. Well finding real friends isn't that easy, but in the meantime you can choose to hang out with people you dislike-less (it isn't the best option but it's better that sitting alone).


> To what level should I subject myself to abject embarassment though? Like screaming down the inside of a pub? "I WANT FRIENDS, JOIN ME!" I'm not sure to what level I have to go to? *How much I have to detach from my own persona?* Do I have to become a completely different person before someone likes me? How long can you keep up the facade? It's a bit like going on the internet, and chatting to people but pretending to be something you are not. It's not sustainable.


I see strong words there, detaching, persona, you've build nice wall around yourself, huh? You're now like_ I AM AN INTROVERT I AM NOT SOCIAL GTFO and leave me alone_, you build a barrier in your mind, introverts to get out and interact with people, it may be awkward or scary, even for extroverts it can be scary. People are flexible and people can change overtime (watching this can be quite helpful imo 
DAmy Cuddy: Your body language shapes who you are | Video on TED.com)
Take as much embarassment as you can, make small steps. First one: you can try to change your attitude, because this one (_leave me alone i suck at everything_) isn't gonna help.


> Okay! Lets pretend that all the self-hatred, and neurosis has been evaporated from the topic and lets just say that the original post says only this sentence.
> 
> Where does one meet people, of a similar age (twenties), that is socially acceptable to meet and talk to people, without coming across as a weirdo? Discounting weird ideas like supermarkets? =P


Well the case is, you can't tell, I've met people in weird way or odd places, but mostly outside of my house. It's quite random.
Get out try to be more interactive and things will change overtime.
I think you could start the training by playing some MMOs and talking to people over skype/vent/ts/ whatever. You will be still in your safe place and you will talk with people or start smiling and talking to yourself in the mirror.


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## donkeybals (Jan 13, 2011)

Just be social with people and eventually you'll find someone who has the same interests as you. If this makes sense - it's easier to find someone you are looking for opposed to some you are not.


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## Tristan427 (Dec 9, 2011)

Melancholia said:


> Does anyone know how, as an adult, you are supposed to meet other adults. People are 'everywhere', but by meeting I don't mean just having a casual conversation in passing, usually about something meaningless such as:
> _"Oh, isn't this elevator slow today?"
> - "Yeah....it is."
> - "Okay, well then, Bye!"_
> ...


I don't have much to add, I just wanted to say I found your assessment of people in the library to be amusing. Especially the children and elderly people bit.


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## mangoDelight (Apr 1, 2013)

I don't know if this could help but reading your original post, this idea has never been suggested to you (none that I know of) or probably this is not your cup of tea. But please consider my suggestion. 

Find a person who is new to England probably foreign exchange student (you can offer tutorial sessions with) or a foreigner who is learning English. They are more likely eager to practice their English by having lots of conversation with you. Just as you want to practice talking with people and maybe at some point in time, you'll learn each other and became close friends. It's a win-win situation, I think.

Hope this helps.


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## Immerseyourself (Feb 12, 2013)

Wow. @_Melancholia_, I've been ruminating about the same issue for a long while. I've gone to meetup.com, but turned down everything I've seen. I've sat around libraries, cafes, etc, and came to the same conclusion you did.
In essence, you and I float the same boat lol; you and I are so alike in tastes and ideas it is ridiculous.
I had to check if you were an INFP, and I was not the least bit surprised. I've been reading through this thread: I'm as desparate as you are to _do something_.
I'm keeping an interesting eye on this thread. Best of luck in getting the input you need.


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## Melancholia (Mar 22, 2013)

mangoDelight said:


> I don't know if this could help but reading your original post, this idea has never been suggested to you (none that I know of) or probably this is not your cup of tea. But please consider my suggestion.
> 
> Find a person who is new to England probably foreign exchange student (you can offer tutorial sessions with) or a foreigner who is learning English. They are more likely eager to practice their English by having lots of conversation with you. Just as you want to practice talking with people and maybe at some point in time, you'll learn each other and became close friends. It's a win-win situation, I think.
> 
> Hope this helps.


No offense to yourself of course! I'm always open to new suggestions, but I have also kind of done this in the past. When I was taking language lessons in Chinese, I tried to find/meet with native Chinese speakers in England. The problem is that I found that they were far more interested in learning more about your culture, than you as a person. You become kind of a 'study-case'. It never feels like a friendship that is brought together by mutual fondness of each other, but rather curiosity. 

I would have no idea where to look, in terms of finding somebody foreign, who wasn't a student over here for 'limited time only'. I don't know if it would be right? I've kind of become tired of being somebodies many 'English friends', as we can get lumbered into that particular category. 

I'm not disregarding your idea at all, but again, it's something I have tried before. You don't generate deep meaningful relationships, and why would you when they are only over here for an academic year. It doesn't really become an option as you get older as well. The older you get, the bigger the age gap becomes as most exchange students tend to be undergraduates, or those going for their masters. It is hard to create any kind of decent friendship because the main reason they are interested in you is on a 'font of all knowledge' kinda basis. 

Maybe I am making a massive generalisation, but I have met enough through language exchange websites, so it is my experience.


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## Bazinga187 (Aug 7, 2011)

Maybe it's not what you're doing so much as how you're doing it. You can feel the anxiety and the awkwardness creating a doom vortex in your stomach, but no one else knows unless you make it obvious. Pretend to be confident. You're doing a lot of good stuff but you sound like you're doing it meekly and that's going to come across as half-heartedness. Focus on being the best version of yourself before meeting people. You're disregarding other people far too quickly. People don't like that. Alternatively, you might be coming across as a bit desperate for attention. People don't like that either. Fine line. You could take a class in something more social. Photography or something. Are you _sure_ that no one wants to hang out after an evening class? Or are you just assuming that because they go home afterwards? If you invite someone out then they might go, but people do tend to go home if they've got nothing else to do. You keep saying that nothing happens in the NW of England, but you live very near to a lot of cities. I don't know if you actually live in Liverpool or if you're just putting the nearest known place down on your location (I do that with Oxford), but you must live pretty near or you wouldn't say it. Sure, it's not exactly London, but it's still a huge place. Nightclub on your own sounds really awkward, but you and everyone else around you will be drunk, so no one's going to care. If you don't want to do that then that's fine, but stop making excuses about it. You say that sitting alone in a public place doesn't help because no one comes up to you. Maybe you don't look approachable. Or you could go up to them. Act towards other people how you want them to behave towards you. Think about it though. You exist, so people like you must exist too. 

I apologise for the waffling and the bouncing from point to point. I'm too tired to restructure the post.


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## smallpeas (Oct 17, 2012)

Melancholia said:


> Does anyone know how, as an adult, you are supposed to meet other adults. People are 'everywhere', but by meeting I don't mean just having a casual conversation in passing
> 
> [...]
> Evening Courses - [...] What I do love about evening courses is that everyone is 'dying' to get away from each other at the end of the night. Nobody wants to meet up for a bite to eat after, nobody want to do anything or get together and 'practice'. They're just desperate to catch their train home immediately.


_"It was one of the great livery-stableman’s most masterly intuitions to have discovered that Americans want to get away from amusement even more quickly than they want to get to it." - Edith Wharton, The Age of Innocence, _talking about late 1900s New York society's eagerness to flee the Opera. I'm sure this is applicable to many cultures.


If you're looking for people who might like to socialize over food, maybe you could try a cooking class. If you're looking for people who are looking to socialize, try a social environment (not a library, not a chess club) and a team activity (hiking is not a team activity; photography is not a team activity; rock climbing _is_ a team activity). Team activity could be something like dance, bowling, even something like Trivia Night at a local bar (if available). You could go solo and see if other solos would like to group together or if you could join someone else's group. Dance classes generally don't expect you to have a partner. They will partner you.

You don't have to become best friends with any of these people--you can't expect something like that, you don't even have to see them again, but the more you socialize, the easier it'll get. Plus, activities with people will get you out of your own head and ease some of the loneliness you say you feel.

I like @mangoDelight's suggestion of offering to help with English conversation classes and things of that nature. Go to whatever Night at local youth organizations or hostels if there are such. At hostels, you'll meet people from all over who are looking to *drumroll* meet new people & see new things. Offer to show people around your town.

It is hard to go out there alone, but it can be done. You say you want this; there is no alternative then. Be brave.


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## Erbse (Oct 15, 2010)

Melancholia said:


> I know I am not that outgoing. I don't really like being 'out' much. I dunno how I can change that though, if that is my natural inclination. I don't enjoy being around lots of people. I just want someone to spend time with I guess. Most people don't really want someone boring like me I guess.
> 
> Life of solitary bacholarism here I come!


There you have it, *you* don't like to go out.

Adopt a persona that does the job for you. Be open-minded and open for possibilities. Don't reject people solely because you "wouldn't do them" (assuming you're looking for a love interest) and openly approach people you find interesting. Be a weirdo, who the fuck cares anyway - at worst you'll be going home alone yet again. Sounds familiar, I s'pose?

Basically I'm saying you're already living your worst-case scenario, as such you got nothing to lose as you're technically rock-bottom in the area you're trying to improve. As such do as you please. Of course you shouldn't overstep personal boundaries, as that may lead to undesirable consequences, but I figure you possess enough common sense for that not to happen.

Alcohol helps, for as long it used in appropriate amounts.

Be uplifting, energetic and maintain a positive outlook - your *you* will find enough alone time at the end of the day to recover.

While this may sound wise I am in the same boat, or more precisely have been for the longest time of my life. I'm striving for extension, too but I don't see myself as the major problem as other people not quite having reached a similar mindset yet. Life's all about discarding one's rigidness/cage.

A little anecdote, I just recently asked a girl on a date after almost 25 years, for her being the only one having sparked my curiosity enough to do so. I haven't received an answer yet. I possibly never will. However I can move on just fine knowing that I at least tried to take my chance(s).

These things don't have to end in an awkward one way road, unless you make them awkward. Of course anyone can turn out to absolutely not be what you're looking for, but as long as you're prepared for that even such a situation doesn't have to be awkward.


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## FlaviaGemina (May 3, 2012)

Melancholia said:


> I live in the UK so by our very nature, everyone is grouped into familial sects, and are generally not very perceptive to other strange external entities encroaching on their already prefabricated social group. Although there must be a ton of people out there, who don't have any friends, who would like to at least have someone to talk to. Someone they can kind of open up to, meet up with regularly, invitations to each others homes, etc.


It's interesting that you say this. I'm a German living in the UK and I got exactly the same impression. 
About meetup, my husband and me go to those board game groups sometimes and the people aren't "extremely geeky" at all. They are just what I would call "normal" people and there is none of the neuroticism that you get at the workplace. It helps there is an activity to focus on rather than "socialising" with nothing to do. Of course, I don't know whether you'll make any friends there, but at least it gets you out of the house and takes your mind off going round in circles.

LOL, we joined the Ramblers for a while and it was terrible. Not that I mind old people, some of my friends are old. But most of them were just terrible Nazis who raced up the hills leaving the other oldsters behind to die on their own. Brrrrrrrrrrrrr

Sorry I don't know anything more helpful to say at the moment. I do understand your frustration and I don't think you're exaggerating at all about the lack of opportunities to meet people in the UK. Oooh... this gives me an idea: could you find a group of foreign students on meetup.com? No offence, but the English are one of the weirdest nations in Europe when it comes to socialising. Most foreigners are a lot more open and easy-going. So maybe you could get to know some of them, even if you're not into foreign languages. They'll be interested simply because you're British and that will do for them. You don't need to impress them or be extra interesting, as long as you can tell them a bit about your town etc. Also, not all of them are into drinking and rowdy nights out (of course many are, but there is a fair proportion who aren't).


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## SocioApathetic (May 20, 2012)

It would be an ideal world if two adults would cross paths, pause and say to one another: "Hello. I noticed that you are an adult. I, too, am an adult and see no possible reason why we could not be adults together."


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## Stopwatch (Dec 22, 2012)

Random idea that probably won't work, but hey. Choose a show or interest of yours and wear something (T-shirt?) related to it. Say, a Doctor Who or Sherlock T-shirt; even if you're not into fandom there are plenty of casual watchers and it gives something general to talk about while also finding relatively like-minded people.


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