# Dilemma- An ISTP woman got dumped by an INFJ man :(



## Marium (Jun 10, 2013)

Hello, 

I was recently in a relationship with an INFJ ( I did not know anything about Myer-Briggs personality thing until he broke up with me) and I was very happy with him. I was his first girlfriend and was shocked at given that he was never been in a relationship (he was 28). At first, I thought there was something fishy since he was pretty attractive and he was successful as a software engineer. As we got together, I was amazed and surprise at how he was very attentive to me and really wanted to understand me and get to know me. We both liked the same type of music, same type of movies, and our personal habits were pretty similar too! We both tend to come to the same conclusions about ideas/life and to certain extant our principles. However, as we spent more time together, I became increasingly aware of how he was getting easily annoyed at small things that most people find them part of normal life and occasionally "snapped" at me for not considerate of people (strangers) when we were out such as holding up the line in stores (it was not intentionally, I was talking to the cashier about the cost of something, even though earlier there weren't people in line), drinking soda in movie theater (I was not aware I finished the soda and I stopped as soon as I heard the noise, but he was still mad), and annoyed at people for not being considerate on the road such as for a two lane road, he find people are rude if they are on the right lane even though they are not turning right because they are blocking the cars behind who want to turn right. Although I find his consideration toward people too excessive, I don't mind about it and I accepted for who he is. However, what I don't find acceptable is his behavior toward me and his occasionally "snapping", which I find it overreacting and immature. 

This had become our big "debate" and I was confronting him on why he was hard on me on these situations and I felt he was very inconsiderate toward me when he snapped at me. I also told him that why it was his need to be considerate toward every little situations like that and being more considerate toward strangers than me. He felt more annoyed by that and told me that it was important to put yourself in other people's shoes and you wanted to be treated the same way you treated them (which I agree, but that was not the point). But it was this debate that made him decide to end it even though I had persuaded him that I will put by best effort to work on being more considerate in general toward strangers. 

Don't get me wrong. I am considerate, but I put more emphasis on people that I know and to certain situations when I see it. To be considerate to that extent where he wanted me to be is impossible just because I see it logically won't work, and I'm not naturally good at that. What is more shocking is that he justified his "snapping" toward me just because he finds it annoying and won't apologize for it. Furthermore, he started saying things that I'm not worth of continuing the relationship because he wanted someone who was more compatible with him (I thought we are-more than I asked for) and being with me was just settling for him. It's already bad enough that he labeled me as a "bad" person just because I'm not considerate (even though he said I'm not a bad person, I could sense he felt that way anyway), but to damage my self-esteem further by saying I'm not good enough/not worth it... I don't know. I know it hurts like hell. After all, I put so much into this relationship, slowly open up myself emotionally to him and he just stomp it like that. What scares me is that his attitude changed 180 degrees from being a lovey dovey to a hard stone cold person who looked down on me in less than 24 hours (it took him one day to make that decision-hard and fast). 

I was confused and torn on why I couldn't be considerate toward strangers. It's not like I don't want to, I just was never able to. It was not until he told me that he was INFJ (to justify that he is who he is) and so I decided to look into it and took the test and realized it that I'm ISTP (borderline between ISTP and ISFP). I read my profile and one of the characteristics that caught my eye is that ISTPs are naturally not tune into people's emotions and hard to connect with people unless they are close friends. While it give me a sense of relief, I wasn't really happy and it's sucks that it was that one aspect that terminates the relationship. 

I don't know why I need to write this. I'm not as hurt as before, but occasionally I still care about him and really have a glimpse of hope that we still could be back together and work it out. But I know it's impossible because I realized that INFJ's don't look back on relationships that they find not perfect (if the mate is not an ideal perfect) and will move on easily from one relationship to another relationship. Well this means that he's never going to resonate our relationship and won't think about the positive memories that we had together. He wouldn't think about how much I cared about him and how much effort I put into this relationship. And for this reason, I'm really disappointed at him for being too narrow-minded and lost respect for him. 

This relationship makes me really want not to date an INFJ again, but I really like the understanding-intuitive personality and the fact that they willing to get to know me and understand my emotions and needs that I really want to date and marry an INFJ (they happen to be great fathers). But to have a high expectations on someone and move on easily if she does not meet his expectations is just unreasonable logically and not realistic. 

For INFJ men out there, is it really important to find someone so so perfect that you would willing to throw away a potential relationship that makes you happy even though she is not meeting up your expectations? Do you guys intuitively know right away who is your soul mate without giving some time to get to know a person?

For ISTP people, is it really impossible for us to be emotionally tune with people besides our close friends and families? Do you think it is possible to for us to put ourselves into other people's shoes at all times in all situations if we put tremendous effort to tune in our emotions?

Is it really fate that it is impossible for ISTP woman to be together with INFJ?

I've been reflecting this for months and it's killing me (just because I'm so logical and firmly believer that you don't know what is like unless you try)


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## DAPHNE XO (Jan 16, 2012)

Ouch, I'm sorry to hear this.

I'm going to have to say, it's a common INFJ trait to be perfectionistic. I hate to admit this but I too used to do stupid things to my partners like that - snap at them for something most people would deem perfectly reasonable. I'm not sure why this is - that INFJs tend to reach for unrealistic expectations - I suppose the underlying reasons depends on the individual INFJ, but this is a common trait nonetheless.

Unfortunately people like your ex will never understand your arguments... for perfectionists, they don't really care what you say, they want things just the way they want them. For that reason, I think you are better off without him, that relationships sounded very smothering from the way you described it.

It's also probably the reason he had been single up until he met you.

Not all INFJs are like this, though. I know I certainly am not anymore. I learnt to embrace people's individual differences instead of judging them for it. Maybe he will in time too, if not, he'll end up single for life. Lol.

Okay and now on to ISTPs, I have an ISTP friend and I adore her. Even the fact she's not aware of other people's emotions. She can be crude, crass and sometimes voice opinions that she would have been better off keeping to herself. She also always have enemies, she has pissed off soooooo many people off with her inconsiderate behaviour - but I wouldn't change anything about her. She's one of the most loyal people I have ever met! She's truly someone special. You are right that once an ISTP trusts you, they will never break that bond. I really admire that trait in people.

So I don't know how much difference this will make, but someone somewhere is going to appreciate you for being you, your ex didn't and for that reason, you're better off without him.

Hope that helps!


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## Jade Bambi (Jun 8, 2013)

Hello.
I am sorry for your bad break up. (
If you are looking for male INFJ input on your situation maybe you should post it on INFJ sub forum.
In my opinion it is good for you that you are no longer together because his behaviour towards you was not kind nor considerate,not all INFJs are like this.Perhaps he did not develop functions that characterise INFJs as he was supposed to,although we share them we are all individuals. 
Although I did not hear about many ISTPs and INFJs relationships but hey why not ?Perhaps he was just wrong INFJ guy


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## Marium (Jun 10, 2013)

Thank you for you response. I really appreciate it . There is one thing that I would like an INFJ to answer, if you don't mind , 


So the last thing that my ex told me is that the moment he saw me, he automatically knew that I was not the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. So wtf? But the reason he dated me because he was attracted to me (so I assumed physically?) and he really felt that we "got each other" and I actually thought we did. We did have an infatuation/puppy love moment in the beginning, but definitely that "passion" was gone long time ago and the more time we spent, the more I felt that we drifted apart and he was not doing any initiation whatsoever to keep the relationship going ( I was the one kept putting more effort, more excitement into our relationship and I did all that just the assumption that he still felt awkward because of his inexperience). But anyhoo, throughout the relationship, I always asked him how he felt about our relationship and he said it was great and he liked me more and more. At the breakup, he then told me he did like me more, but not enough to continue with the relationship and me being "inconsiderate" actually made him like me less. Even though I pleaded that I would work on being considerate, he said it wouldn't work because I was not "the one" and he already saw that in the beginning. 

So my question to all INFJ's, how the heck you would know automatically that whoever you see is the one or not just based on "seeing"? Is your intuition really that psychic? Or he was just bluffing, which I don't think so because he doesn't like to lie at all and in fact, he hates it when I lied (not to him tho, I never lied to him).


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## Jade Bambi (Jun 8, 2013)

Look from INFJ female point of view that what he described could happen ,I myself do not know if I believe in the whole one theory but I know that all the persons with whom I had opportunity to date were not right from me,because when I meet someone with whom I could have something if I wanted to I know in that moment is that person right for me and in what measure .I can not explain how this "knowledge" works but it is just to put it simply there or "built in".

I can be physically attracted but something in me knows that this just won't work and it was unfair from him to let your emotions develop if he could not respond properly.
I am now in my early 20s and because of what I just told you I rarely date and even less involve in serious relationship,not to mention that people could end up hurt because of the fact that I let something continue even though I knew it would not work.

Yes ,like I said we all have same functions but our development of them is individual so yes it is possible to have intuition that developed.

It sounds silly when I put it like that but it is the truth for me.


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## DAPHNE XO (Jan 16, 2012)

Marium said:


> So my question to all INFJ's, how the heck you would know automatically that whoever you see is the one or not just based on "seeing"? Is your intuition really that psychic? Or he was just bluffing, which I don't think so because he doesn't like to lie at all and in fact, he hates it when I lied (not to him tho, I never lied to him).


To be honest it sounds like he was trying to convince himself that he knew it all along. I don't think anyone ever really knows for certain how long a relationship will last - you just go into it hoping for the best.

But INFJ's are long term thinkers, and by long I mean like 10 or more years down the line....

I think he was bluffing, it's certainly something I would do to lessen the blow of a perceived "failure". He sounds really unhealthy, you're better off without him.


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## Dedication (Jun 11, 2013)

JungleDisco said:


> To be honest it sounds like he was trying to convince himself that he knew it all along. I don't think anyone ever really knows for certain how long a relationship will last - you just go into it hoping for the best.
> 
> But INFJ's are long term thinkers, and by long I mean like 10 or more years down the line....
> 
> I think he was bluffing, it's certainly something I would do to lessen the blow of a perceived "failure". He sounds really unhealthy, you're better off without him.


Are you female? Your advice is so, typical.


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## DAPHNE XO (Jan 16, 2012)

Dedication said:


> Are you female? Your advice is so, typical.


This is a weird message to receive.

Your comment is so, atypical.


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## Arclight (Feb 10, 2010)

JungleDisco said:


> To be honest it sounds like he was trying to convince himself that he knew it all along. I don't think anyone ever really knows for certain how long a relationship will last - you just go into it hoping for the best.
> 
> But INFJ's are long term thinkers, and by long I mean like 10 or more years down the line....
> 
> I think he was bluffing, it's certainly something I would do to lessen the blow of a perceived "failure". He sounds really unhealthy, you're better off without him.


I am going to slightly disagree with you here.

I know.. I pretty much knew the shelf life of every relationship I have ever been in. 
It's not that I convinced myself after the break up.. No.. What I tried to convince myself of.. Is that if I tried to make it work beyond what I estimated, _I would find a way._ This effort can extend the deadline but never the inevitability. 
Self prophetic? Maybe this is the only valid counter point.. Perhaps because I set an expire date in my mind, I made it happen on a more subconscious level. 
I have certainly pondered this question with profound introspection.

Whether I knew I would never be totally content or the other would eventually end things..
Idealism, loneliness, inspiration, hormones, practicality and most importantly the need to love and nurture another have compelled me forward despite awareness of fatal flaws from the onset.

The silver lining is the knowledge gained academically, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
I pray that all my past partners learned something and grew as a result. 

_'Tis better to have loved and lost__Than never to have loved at all.
~ Lord Alfred Tennyson


_


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## DAPHNE XO (Jan 16, 2012)

@Arclight, yeah I agree with you too.

I've never really been in a position where I've felt that if I tried harder the relationship would last longer though. So this is something the OP can definitely take into consideration.


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## Marium (Jun 10, 2013)

To archlight:
“I know.. I pretty much knew the shelf life of every relationship I have ever been in.
It's not that I convinced myself after the break up.. No.. What I tried to convince myself of.. Is that if I tried to make it work beyond what I estimated, _I would find a way._ This effort can extend the deadline but never the inevitability.
Self prophetic? Maybe this is the only valid counter point.. Perhaps because I set an expire date in my mind, I made it happen on a more subconscious level.
I have certainly pondered this question with profound introspection.”

If my relationship ever determined to be like that by a strong hypothetical inevitability, even if you have the strongest intuition ever, not to be sounded so radical, but I would rather die trying to make it work than to accept and give up without trying it at all if I know it’s worth fighting for. I don’t know whether it’s a curse or a blessing to have that ability, but if I ever have that ability, I rather die and hopefully reincarnate to a world where I still have hope and faith of the decisions that I make in life and the surprises that come with it (either good or bad). To live in a predestined life is not only pessimistic, but also it’s boring and actually “lifeless” and in the end, you question yourself “Is that really what my life is going be like?” WTF. Again, no offense to INFJ'ers. I actually don't know how you handle that ability, but curious tho.


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## 59465 (May 31, 2013)

*For INFJ men out there, is it really important to find someone so so perfect that you would willing to throw away a potential relationship that makes you happy even though she is not meeting up your expectations? Do you guys intuitively know right away who is your soul mate without giving some time to get to know a person?*

First of all, im really sorry. But to say, I do not know you. But just reading this makes me frustrated, mostly cause its true and someway false. I cant really say what it is that drives me forward with some women, The face? Their Posture? Their Body?
But there is something in me that tells me, that random girl over there might be my soulmate.
My feelings thoward this question is like a big Weighting Scale. It does not tip over at any side.



_*Is it really fate that it is impossible for ISTP woman to be together with INFJ?*_

No, no, no,no,no,no,no aaaanndd NO.
I think some INFJ(INCLUDING MYSELF!) is too stuck up with them being special.
Yes, Our needs are diffrent than others.

“Any fool can know. The point is to understand.” -Albert Einstein

If two persons love and understand each other, there is no personality that stands in the way. 
There are no test, Quizzes or anything alike.
Cause they love each other.
I will use test and Personalities as a creator of a road, But if i fall for a ISTP then it is so.
I just need to make her understand me, if she is willing that is.


I really hope that everything will be alright on your end.

I wish you luck!

Sincerely.


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## this is my username (Apr 15, 2011)

Hello, welcome. check out the advice forum. goodbye.


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## Marium (Jun 10, 2013)

tobbe628 said:


> *For INFJ men out there, is it really important to find someone so so perfect that you would willing to throw away a potential relationship that makes you happy even though she is not meeting up your expectations? Do you guys intuitively know right away who is your soul mate without giving some time to get to know a person?*
> 
> First of all, im really sorry. But to say, I do not know you. But just reading this makes me frustrated, mostly cause its true and someway false. I cant really say what it is that drives me forward with some women, The face? Their Posture? Their Body?
> But there is something in me that tells me, that random girl over there might be my soulmate.
> ...


May I ask which part is true and which part is false? 
And what are the common needs that INFJ share? I'm sure we all have some overlapped common needs in a relationship. 
And how much emotions do you want to get involved? I mean, I noticed that many INFJ's are frustrated with our lack of emotions, and I thought I was pretty emotional in a relationship...perhaps I don't express them very well?

As for you, do you think dating a INFJ makes a difference in terms of connection? I mean do you feel that perhaps your ultimate "soulmate" may come across just be an INFJ? And how come I don't see that type-couple very often?


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## Marium (Jun 10, 2013)

this is my username said:


> Hello, welcome. check out the advice forum. goodbye.


Where to check it out?


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## Neo1451 (Jun 19, 2013)

Try a change of things and look for an ENFJ.


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## 59465 (May 31, 2013)

Marium said:


> May I ask which part is true and which part is false?
> And what are the common needs that INFJ share? I'm sure we all have some overlapped common needs in a relationship.
> And how much emotions do you want to get involved? I mean, I noticed that many INFJ's are frustrated with our lack of emotions, and I thought I was pretty emotional in a relationship...perhaps I don't express them very well?
> 
> As for you, do you think dating a INFJ makes a difference in terms of connection? I mean do you feel that perhaps your ultimate "soulmate" may come across just be an INFJ? And how come I don't see that type-couple very often?




My whole feeling thowards the question if i would leave someone for a better person.
The Ego in me tells me that you should leave someone to get more happy
The Kindness/loyality in me tells me that i would never leave someone for another person, ive made a commitment.
But this most likely is when we are married.

Our Needs
http://personalitycafe.com/infj-for...infj-relationship-needs-tips-other-types.html
INFJ Personal Growth

Try and read some of those topics. They might clear up your mind and to understand us a bit more.

About our feelings and your feelings.

I feel that i would like to have a HUGE connection, where every simple litle thing should be spoken about.
I think you need to say alot of *I love you* and maybe some good old hugs here and there.
We also get very angry if someone criticise us, but if someone praise us, we feel very very happy.
And i think happiness makes connections.

Each person is diffrent, each person has diffrent terms.
Its best to ask that person, and if he or she does not know the answer to that question, Explore!.

INFJ's are Rare indeed, but i think just cause we're so introverted, we're not always seen in public.
And we also sometimes have the feeling like we're ghosts.
Even in a party.

And may i ask, How do you feel?


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## this is my username (Apr 15, 2011)

Marium said:


> Where to check it out?


Advice Center


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## Marium (Jun 10, 2013)

tobbe628 said:


> My whole feeling thowards the question if i would leave someone for a better person.
> The Ego in me tells me that you should leave someone to get more happy
> The Kindness/loyality in me tells me that i would never leave someone for another person, ive made a commitment.
> But this most likely is when we are married.
> ...


Eh, well, I honestly don't know... you know if he's just said "hey, I like you and I really try to like you more but I just couldn't see a potential serious relationship in the long run" then I would completely understand and move on just like that instead of saying bunch of things that confused me more and saying that he's INFJ and that's why he is the way is and it's just mind blowing, I suppose. It's seems like you guys have some kind of a superpower like a mind reading or something and that's kinda scared me because now I don't know what kind of future I'm heading to because I'm starting to doubt my principles/values that I hold for the longest time and he just took one look at me and automatically knew what kind of a person I am. 

I don't know if I really can handle another INFJ if he can see through me inside out right away and already judge me then. 

The only time I think I can say "I love you" a lot of times is when I am really, really, insanely, crazily in love with that person, and I think I could able to reach the emotional level that he wanted me to be in ONLY if I absolute know for sure that he is also crazily, insanely, in love with me as well. It takes a little bit longer for me to trust someone so for me to fall in love will take longer and the person must be patient with me on that one. 

And I really don't like it when a person takes his anger out on people easily for small little things (like I mentioned earlier) and I understand that being considerate is very important to you guys and you do feel bad when people are being inconsiderate. If you want your partner to understand that, you should reason with her on why is it important and most importantly why is it important to YOU (he failed to mention that). It is hard for someone to be considerate at all times because it does take ALOT of energy and for me, I have to be on "survival mode" at all times, and it's really, really exhausting. There are a lot of people who are not naturally tune in people's emotions (like me) and I did what I could to be considerate enough that my actions did actually make a difference. If you really want someone who is equally considerate as you, then I think it is unlikely that you will be with someone like an ISTP or personalities that are S T dominant because they are probably born to be that way. Its a shame that something like that is considered a deal breaker if two people are really happy in a relationship, but I guessed life is always never fair to begin with.


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