# NFPs with STJ parents! Come here!!



## Inspire (Apr 19, 2010)

I wonder how are your experiences with stj parents? Especially when you were kids? How much did that relationship influence your self-acceptance? Also, other parent plays here huge part, of course.



My mom is veeery ISTJ, i think she is like 100% S and 100% T and 100% J (ok, somewhere close ), so she pretty much thinks all this NFP I-ve-got-super-idea-and-it-involves-unicorns  personality is completely retarded. She is not bad but she jus cant grasp what its like to be different than her, its amazing how these SJs can be closed minded (ou yeah.). She is super critical - i think this is the thing that has most impact on me in our relationship

Anyway it affected me the way that I have to contantly be afraid and watch out to not do something "wrong" (anything imprecise!), like I am constantly on a microscope, i mean when I clean my apartment she goes behind me and corrects all my imperfections ( i even get instructions to clean a floor from left to right like "all normal people" not from right to left) being watch and always ending up as a "bad kid". I am grown up but still have to live with her and more important that criticism is IN MY HEAD, I want it out. 

Anyway, its kind of disappointing to really, but really realize that your parents will think youre retarded all your life?! Isnt it ? 
Ive been going through therapy and "cleaning" all the junk inside of me so there are some "neccessary losses" that most people avoid all their lives, like the one is figuring out that you werent *really* loved by your parents...

I kind off went off topic maybe, i mean... I am mostly interested how it affected your self-acceptance (also a STJ parent can be healthy and loving so i know it makes a difference)


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## JayDubs (Sep 1, 2009)

I'm not an NFP, but I did have an ESTJ parent. 

My ESTJ was definitely not emotionally supportive. Quite critical actually. If it makes you feel any better, the critical aspect can exist even if you aren't prone the NFP unconventional habits. I was straight-laced and quite successful academically, and I still felt micromanaged constantly. To this day, I keep entire swaths of my life and interests secret from that parent to avoid conflicts. 

To be fair though, my ESTJ was incredibly supportive in her own way. In terms of physical/financial support, I got more than I could have ever asked for. There was never any physical abuse, and she was devoted in making sure I got everything from medical care, to healthy meals, to help pay for school. 

I don't know enough about your situation to really tell, but I realized at some point even before learning about MBTI that she expressed her care and concern through her actions rather than her words. Though I suppose that's a lot harder on F types than T types.


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## jaenelldeana (Jul 20, 2011)

Oh OH! Me, meee I have an ESTJ parent! My dad actually. I just made him take the test to be sure haha. We used to be REALLY close but of course personality never stays the same...he turned into an unhealthy ESTJ and I into a unhealthy INFP. Our relationship is on very thin ice right now. I feel like we both constantly struggle to understand each other because we both want to very badly. We both want things to get better just don't know how. 

I feel that if I had never taken this test I suppose I would think I was useless and hopeless, but this test really gave me reassurance. We are polar opposites and I know it bothers him because of the understanding thing. He feels that if I were more like him I would understand better, so he constantly pushes me to become more like him. I feel that I don't need to be like him to see where he's coming from, that I can walk a mile in his shoes just as easily as an INFP. The test or the results actually make me feel very highly of myself. It helps me understand my often scattered thoughts and ideas and I know that one day through a lot of work my Dad will too. 

Hopefully now that I have confirmed his type I can use it to benefit our relationship. I mean I know people are individuals blah blah blah but at this point I'll take any help I can get!

Hope I answered your question.


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## Inspire (Apr 19, 2010)

What about showing him INFP profile (perhaps from book Nurture by Nature, because there he will recognize you the most ), I read one really touching confession of ESTJ mother on amazon reviews when she after 30 years read INFP profile of her daugther, they had bad relationship whole life because mother simply thought daughter is not normal.. But than it all clicked to her when she read profile, and couldnt forgive herself she was so hard on her daughter her whole life (they dont even speak anymore for years). 

I would show it to my mother but she doesnt speak English and in my native there are no MBTI books  



jaenelldeana said:


> Oh OH! Me, meee I have an ESTJ parent! My dad actually. I just made him take the test to be sure haha. We used to be REALLY close but of course personality never stays the same...he turned into an unhealthy ESTJ and I into a unhealthy INFP. Our relationship is on very thin ice right now. I feel like we both constantly struggle to understand each other because we both want to very badly. We both want things to get better just don't know how.
> 
> I feel that if I had never taken this test I suppose I would think I was useless and hopeless, but this test really gave me reassurance. We are polar opposites and I know it bothers him because of the understanding thing. He feels that if I were more like him I would understand better, so he constantly pushes me to become more like him. I feel that I don't need to be like him to see where he's coming from, that I can walk a mile in his shoes just as easily as an INFP. The test or the results actually make me feel very highly of myself. It helps me understand my often scattered thoughts and ideas and I know that one day through a lot of work my Dad will too.
> 
> ...


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## jaenelldeana (Jul 20, 2011)

Inspire said:


> What about showing him INFP profile (perhaps from book Nurture by Nature, because there he will recognize you the most ), I read one really touching confession of ESTJ mother on amazon reviews when she after 30 years read INFP profile of her daugther, they had bad relationship whole life because mother simply thought daughter is not normal.. But than it all clicked to her when she read profile, and couldnt forgive herself she was so hard on her daughter her whole life (they dont even speak anymore for years).
> 
> I would show it to my mother but she doesnt speak English and in my native there are no MBTI books


He is a little skeptical of the whole personality type thing but I will try anyway! I know he cares he just needs a little help...hell we both do. Haha. What language does your mother speak? 

The book looks awesome, if I decide to have kids I would definitely use it! Thank you for the recommendation I am honestly lost with this whole situation.

(sorry for the scattered typing style)


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## Bellsouth (Aug 4, 2011)

Be glad if you had STJ parents -they prepared you for real world..

ENFP types just cuddle you and then you are too afraid to go on your own if you stay around too late.


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## ericajoy (May 20, 2011)

Inspire said:


> ...you werent *really* loved by your parents...


I want to acknowledge what you are going through. Realizing I was not loved by my parents (both unhealthy istjs) was a really difficult but powerful experience for me to go through. Some things that I have gotten out of it is the freedom to stop trying to win their love and instead seek self-knowledge, learn self-nurturing, love myself and live my life with integrity. 

Good luck on your path.


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## viva (Aug 13, 2010)

What about xNFPs with xSFJ parents? I think that is worse. :tongue:


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## jaenelldeana (Jul 20, 2011)

vivacissimamente said:


> What about xNFPs with xSFJ parents? I think that is worse. :tongue:


Lol I have both...ESTJ and E/ISFJ. I actually like my Mom (E/ISFJ) its my Dad I have the difficulties with..


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## Inspire (Apr 19, 2010)

Bellsouth said:


> Be glad if you had STJ parents -they prepared you for real world..
> 
> ENFP types just cuddle you and then you are too afraid to go on your own if you stay around too late.



Prepared me by convincing me that being who i am is bad, not normal etc.? Gosh, best preparation you can get... To end up in a mental institution 


I am not playing the blame game, just dont want to minimize things. Things look differently after you become aware of your real feelings about yourself


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## Inspire (Apr 19, 2010)

ericajoy said:


> I want to acknowledge what you are going through. Realizing I was not loved by my parents (both unhealthy istjs) was a really difficult but powerful experience for me to go through. Some things that I have gotten out of it is the freedom to stop trying to win their love and instead seek self-knowledge, learn self-nurturing, love myself and live my life with integrity.
> 
> Good luck on your path.



Yup i am goin through that realization right now... It is powerful but scary (yet most people avoid their whole lives to confront the fact they werent FEEL loved (which equals to not being loved bc as kid you cant rationalize it))


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## Inspire (Apr 19, 2010)

vivacissimamente said:


> What about xNFPs with xSFJ parents? I think that is worse. :tongue:


Ummm, why would that be more difficult? My ISTJ mom thinks showing any emotion is a sign of weakness - at least SFJs understand tha part.. though it all depends how healthy they are



Just making sure that the purpose of this thread isnt that i wine (ive done my wining ) it is to share experience and become more aware of beliefs i/anyone has because of their relationshiP with STJ parent(s). Because until recently i wasnt aware how my self-image was influenced by my mom, because those messages from parent you receive from birth so its like air, you stop noticing it very early


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## Inspire (Apr 19, 2010)

jaenelldeana said:


> Lol I have both...ESTJ and E/ISFJ. I actually like my Mom (E/ISFJ) its my Dad I have the difficulties with..


I find i funny that you have ESTJ type in your signature - is that trying to please your dad?


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## PhoebeJaspe (Apr 17, 2011)

Haha, I think my mother will always think I'm this devil worshipper and wild child out of control.
No! She's not going to take my soul!
Lol, but I do love her a lot. I understand why she is so family orientated and all that. I never got emotional support from any of my parents, that made me stronger, I think.
Also, I asked my mom what she thought my mbti type was and she said entp. My dad said enfp.
Which was quite interesting... 
I just don't understand why they are so serious with life...


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## jaenelldeana (Jul 20, 2011)

Inspire said:


> I find i funny that you have ESTJ type in your signature - is that trying to please your dad?


LOL actually I had him take the test and those were his results...it must have switched my signature when he got those results haha. But on the note of trying to please him..he was SO upset when he found out my results were the opposite of his. ALSO we were talking about the results from the quiz and I offered to read him a description of his type (the similar minds one) and he stormed off saying "there's nothing wrong with me, its other people with the problem". Ugh it will never end...


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## Hammerhand (Jul 24, 2010)

I have a ISTJ mother, the early years sucked really hard. But later on when I actually could stand on my own feet without falling, I just said: "Shut up and get the fuck out of my face". It worked brilliantly =)

The point imo is to understand that Stjs seem to value power alot, so if you are a 'weakling' or a 'pushover', you will get pushed.

Stand your ground and take your place. If you need some breathing room, demand it. If you need something, tell them. They will generally not just go around looking for things to help you with.
(unless said ISTJ happens to be extremely goodnatured and possibly a E-Type 2 ^.^)
Of course, this could just be how I interpret things, but it seems to work for me.


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## Chela (Aug 17, 2011)

My mother is an STJ. We get along all right. We mostly fight when I feel like she's being insensitive and when she feels I am being irrational or over-emotional. It did mean not as many hugs/warm and fuzzy times as I would have liked (I love hugs so that was a kind of bummer, and I had a friend when I was younger who said she and her mom would cuddle and watch movies which definitely didn't happen with my mom=/). She takes good care of me though, and she's very smart. She can be over critical and pick/nag at me too much, but I've learned not to take any of that to heart and kind of tune her out. She's not very good dealing with crying and things like that (her response is usually "stop that!"), but I have to say I think it toughened up my skin a bit, and prepared me for a harsh world (which I can sometimes forget about with my idealism and desire for harmony .


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