# My boyfriend was cheating on me...



## a peach (May 21, 2015)

This morning, I got a text from the girl's best friend, with screenshots of their messages. He was apologizing for how he had treated her and was calling everything off because he thinks he and I are something serious now. (I visited him for the first time in a year in the two years we've been together just last week.)

I confronted him, he told me that he and his friend were having sex and being intimate for a few months just before the summer, at his college campus. He keeps apologizing and telling me he didn't know if we were compatible, because the first time we had met, which was the only time before last week, I was very quiet and unlike myself, being very nervous and flustered around him. He says that this last time we saw each other though, he's confident in that we'll work and he truly wants to be with me.


I don't know what to do, I don't know what to think. I met him when he was with this one girl for a long while, and we got intimate and he ended up breaking things off with her. Later, he told me he felt guilty because he cheated on her before with a friend of his, before we met. And he said he wouldn't let this happen again. This new girl didn't even know of me, and he kept very quiet and private with her about his past and his dreams for the future. I feel awfully for her, because he had used her and just suddenly dumped the news on her that he's with someone he wishes to marry. I can't even imagine how that feels, and I'm just really upset about everything.


Should i even give him this chance, or will he just do the same thing again? I want to believe in him, because he did say those things to her when I left, a couple of days ago. He left his ex and he left this girl to be with me. But I feel very conflicted, I feel so sick and upset when I think about how everything must have been a lie, I don't understand him a bit.


He keeps saying he wants to earn my trust back, asking all the sorts of things he can do. He used to play victim a lot but he seems to be maturing, like when I posted all the screenshots of the texts on Facebook and tagged him. (Before deleting it a couple minutes later.) He started sounding upset, but he stopped and said he understands where I'm coming from, and wants to make it up by telling everyone just how much he loves me and how serious this is. I tell him how I feel and he didn't even fight back with his own pity-party like he used to, just admits he feels horrible and doesn't deserve me. But honestly, I don't know what to do. Any insight or advice on how to go about all of this??


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## Noctis (Apr 4, 2012)

Don't give him a second chance. He doesn't deserve it. Break up with him immediately. Once a cheater always a cheater. He should have had the decency to end it before he cheated, honestly explaining his feelings for the new girl.


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## bigstupidgrin (Sep 26, 2014)

Nope. Nope nope nope nope. Nope yourself out of this relationship.


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## EndsOfTheEarth (Mar 14, 2015)

I've got some thoughts here coming from the perspective of having been in a similar situation. 

- He's not taking responsibility for his actions. This is clear when he justifies what he did in terms of not being sure about you. You guys were exclusive at that time yes? In which case he has no business having sex with someone else regardless of how he feels about you. When you're not sure, the mature thing to do is to either wait it out and remain exclusive or break it off in order to pursue other options. Not cheat on your partner until you are sure and hope she never finds out. He's only refusing to fight with you over it because he knows this should be the end and he's playing the 'okay I'll let her have her feelings' card in order to prevent that. He's being clever, not being contrite. 

- You should remove yourself from him and the situation until you have gone thrugh your entire range of feelings on this. Forget about feeling horrible for someone else. This is about you and how you feel it now. Feeling bad for the other girl is just denial through transference. But eventually your authentic feelings about what's been done to you will surface and that will be a very confusing time. It's better if you allow this to happen without the confusion of him in your face trying to minimise your feelings and his actions. You deserve to feel whatever you feel about it for your own sake. everything else is just confusion. 

- If he truly wants to win your trust back he needs to understand that doesn't happen in an instant or on his timeframe. He needs to be okay with giving you as much space as you need until you come to a clear conclusion about this relationship and what you want on yyour own. Him pulling the commitment stunt publicly is just that, a stunt. In order to mimise your feelings and whitewash over the whole situation. It's an attempt to fast track his wrong doing into the distant past. But this is a major betrayal of your trust and should not be fast tracked anywhere. 

- While it's admirable that he's not trying to play the victim here too much. Things like this require a hell of a lot more maturity than just that. The fact remains, he breached trust in this relationship. That has hurt you a great deal. He has a hsitory of doing this. That's a lot for you to process and sort your feelings out about. Do yourself a favour. Cut all contact with him until all of this is clear in your head, without him pressuring you to keep a relationship with him. Require him to give you space, time and to validate your own feelings. If he can't do that then he's not marriage material. 

Personally, I think he is right. He doesn't deserve you.


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## BenevolentBitterBleeding (Mar 16, 2015)

Please don't fall for that shit.

Just look at the history of his behaviour in what you've written here. Does it look like he's changed or is learning? Unless you consider learning how to better get what he wants by being self centered and thoughtless in his treatment of his partners.

Yea, he's really different now towards you because he got caught...


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## Lilsnowy (Sep 9, 2009)

I would be devastated if this happened to me. Devastated. 

All these worries and confusion... That's a way to deny your horrific pain. Allow yourself to grieve and feel your anger, heartbreak and betrayal. Whatever mistakes you made, please forgive yourself and move on. 

He's a serial cheater. Unfaithfulness and drama like you're describing should not be accepted into your life. Ever. I wouldn't believe anything he says, especially while he is trying to win you and "change. 

Please, just say no.


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## a peach (May 21, 2015)

Thank you everyone. This is the world feeling in the world, he was my first love. And I really loved him and thought he loved me too, that he was the one and I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. I know it's terribly naive, but I really believed him when he said he'd want to spend forever with me.


I tried to forgive him last night, I told him I wanted to start everything all over. That we wouldn't hide anything, and if there are ever any doubts, temptations, frustrations, anything at all, to bring them up so we can work them out together. I started to feel happy again, like we can be the way we were before, that I can feel as happy as I did before. 

But the girl's best friend brought up a point that really struck. He has no real consequences for his actions, and all I'm doing is making it easier on him to do this kind of thing again.


I brought up my feelings to him and he suggested we take a break. He told me he wouldn't do anything, and that I can be with whomever. "I can earn the pain I deserve by imagining day in and day out that you could be becoming intimate with another who wasn't me so I can suffer appropriately until you choose to either take me or let me go permanently." I ended up just breaking up with him completely, and he told me he loves me and is sorry for what he did and for not being the perfect person for me.


This is so incredibly difficult for me to go through. I want to talk to him so badly, I keep wanting to give him another chance. I know I shouldn't though. There hasn't been a day where we haven't talked in two years, and I always go to him with how I feel. I'm just not used to this at all, everything feels like a shock, you know??


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## BenevolentBitterBleeding (Mar 16, 2015)

Iipstain said:


> This is so incredibly difficult for me to go through. I want to talk to him so badly, I keep wanting to give him another chance. I know I shouldn't though. There hasn't been a day where we haven't talked in two years, and I always go to him with how I feel. I'm just not used to this at all, everything feels like a shock, you know??


Yes, I know.

He uses his words like he is drinking free water from - while you are - Starbucks.

You can do whatever you want; just remember that your own worth and what you do or don't deserve is decided by you. If you cave, you're just letting it be known to the universe that you accept that sort of treatment and are okay with it.

So decide your own future by knowing what it is you _truly_ desire. And know that none of it is _ever_ going to be _easy_.

There's tons of forums online(even here) where you can find people to talk to, to help with the loneliness or to help break the cycle/habit you formed with him. It won't be the same(obviously) but it's helpful, and it's a start.



> "I can earn the pain I deserve by imagining day in and day out that you could be becoming intimate with another who wasn't me so I can suffer appropriately until you choose to either take me or let me go permanently." I ended up just breaking up with him completely, and he told me he loves me and is sorry for what he did and for not being the perfect person for me.


That's a line if I've ever read one.

At best his belief in that is superficial and at worst manipulative. It's designed to: 
Make you feel like shit, question yourself, and want them more.
Make them feel better knowing that they have this effect on you.
They're pretty much just toying with you because they know you are into them. Which is Just my opinion and I've been known to be wrong... (That one time.)

By the actions you've taken and what I've read, it sounds like you're intelligent and mature enough to know what's really up.


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## MatchaBlizzard (Sep 20, 2011)

Iipstain said:


> Thank you everyone. This is the world feeling in the world, he was my first love. And I really loved him and thought he loved me too, that he was the one and I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. I know it's terribly naive, but I really believed him when he said he'd want to spend forever with me.
> 
> 
> I tried to forgive him last night, I told him I wanted to start everything all over. That we wouldn't hide anything, and if there are ever any doubts, temptations, frustrations, anything at all, to bring them up so we can work them out together. I started to feel happy again, like we can be the way we were before, that I can feel as happy as I did before.
> ...


I'm usually for giving people second chances, but honestly if it's a serial thing like that, then you caught him on his second chance.

And all that stuff of I'll stay single and you can do whatever so I can imagine it and I'll get my pain is bullshit.
What he's trying to do is set up a situation (which he is still in control of by advising you to do it) where he can say, "See, she'd do the same thing given the chance. I'm not that bad." It's a total dick move. He's not even trying to punish himself, he's trying to get you to "sink to his level" is some strange way that he okayed in his own head (so he still feels in control; like he can get what he wants) so he can ease his own conscience and use it against you later after you get back together if he ever slips up again.

I know it hurts. Damn, I know it hurts. I might not be personally strong enough to stand up in a situation like that myself, so it's kind of hypocritical of me to advise you to. The thing is though, even if I took a deal like what he is offering, I wouldn't use it to go out with a bunch of people. I would use it to not go out with anyone and show him (or in my situation her) how much I love them. That said, I would still suspect that he (or she) was meeting with someone and doing something when I wasn't there, because how the hell would I know? I didn't before. Serial cheaters cheat. So you do what you can. I just lost the girl I thought I was gonna marry (not from cheating on her or anything remotely like that), and I would do almost anything to get her back. If she came back I'd forgive her for anything she did with anyone while she was gone, because I love her so much. I miss her so much. So, like I said, I can say stand up, but I can't blame you if you don't. Hearts are crazy things, and we're never completely in control of them. Know you're worth more than that though, you have you're own value apart from the person you love. Also, while I would suggest not going back to him... I would also suggest forgiving him. Unforgiveness can ruin future relationships and anchor you in the past. It's much worse for you than for the other person. I know from experience. It's normally easy for me to forgive, but I had some big betrayals happen that rocked my world and holding on to those hurts just led to worse results and therapy. That's what I can offer. 

Also, I'm really sorry that happened to you! *hug*


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## ai.tran.75 (Feb 26, 2014)

I think you understand him and his intentions more than anyone , and the worry right now shouldn't be what if he leaves me in the future but more along the line of would I ever be able to trust him ever again or see him in the same light as you did before 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Alpha_Orionis (Jan 18, 2015)

I find cheating unforgivable in a relationship. I would exterminate the relationship.


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## WhoIsJake (Jun 2, 2015)

Alpha_Orionis said:


> I find cheating unforgivable in a relationship. I would exterminate the relationship.


Same. I can understand why somebody would cheat, but life is too short for me to deal with it.


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## DAPHNE XO (Jan 16, 2012)

Iipstain said:


> I met him when he was with this one girl for a long while, and we got intimate and he ended up breaking things off with her. Later, he told me he felt guilty because he cheated on her before with a friend of his, before we met. *And he said he wouldn't let this happen again*.


then 


> This new girl didn't even know of me, and *he kept very quiet and private with her about his past and his dreams for the future*.


and then


> He keeps saying he wants to earn my trust back, *asking all the sorts of things he can do*. He used to play victim a lot but he seems to be maturing, like when I posted all the screenshots of the texts on Facebook and tagged him. (Before deleting it a couple minutes later.) He started sounding upset, but he stopped and said he understands where I'm coming from, and wants to make it up *by telling everyone just how much he loves me and how serious this is*.


I worry OP that he has not actually changed. He just wants to believe he has. You mention that you put the screenshots on Facebook, and he got upset. You also mention that when you confronted him with the messages he began apologising.

It looks like he's just trying to save face OP and he's not really sorry at all. When he's being confronted with his actions he does one thing, but when he thinks no one knows the truth, he says absolutely nothing and is very private about how he truly feels. Can you trust such a person? He's making it painfully obvious that he thinks his feelings are paramount, and doesn't really care about anyone else *until *he is confronted with all his wrongdoings. He seems to be motivated by shame, and not guilt. Shame is external - it's motivates us in relation to how we think other people see us. So if we think people see us badly, and we feel shame, we try to correct our actions so people think good about us again. But guilt is internal. It motivates us based on how we feel about ourselves. Guilt is what stops people doing wrong, they don't want it on their conscience. Shame is what makes us hide our tracks so we don't get caught - we don't want to risk other people seeing us badly.

Your ex has promised himself he wouldn't cheat, but has done it again. Clearly, he's not guilty. If he were, he would have stopped doing the first time. So this tells you, he will continue to cheat on you because he clearly sees nothing wrong with it _until _he feels ashamed i.e., until he's caught again.

This is the classic case of being sorry only because you were caught, and not because you didn't mean to hurt other people or didn't mean to do wrong. I genuinely don't think he cares about your feelings, he just wants you to think he does and that's why he made this big show of telling people he's "serious" about you aka "I want everyone to know that I can still be a good boyfriend." None of it is about you, it's about him, and making other people think good of him again.

You are better off without. But also,



> just admits he feels horrible and *doesn't deserve me*.


this fucking line. I hate it. Such a resentment building thing to say, "I know you can do better, but I'm the one that's desperate here." What he's saying is, when he feels crap about the fact you can do better i.e., he's the loser in the relationship, he'll resent you for it. He'll resent you for "making" him feel like shit, and I wouldn't be surprised if that's what motivates him to cheat on you again. Absolutely you don't deserve him, but that's _his fault_. He doesn't deserve you, yet is desperate enough to beg you to stay anyway. Disaster in the making, because you know who he's going to take that fact out on? He'll take it out on you. Because he won't be able to stand feeling "less-than."

Nope. I'm glad you broke up. You dodged a massive bullet OP.


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## Swelly (Nov 3, 2011)

Give him a second chance he seems like a great guy!


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## Notus Asphodelus (Jan 20, 2015)

This guy could actually become a great comedian someday. He should compete in a live show.


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## Blue Soul (Mar 14, 2015)

Iipstain said:


> Thank you everyone. This is the world feeling in the world, he was my first love. And I really loved him and thought he loved me too, that he was the one and I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. I know it's terribly naive, but I really believed him when he said he'd want to spend forever with me.
> 
> 
> I tried to forgive him last night, I told him I wanted to start everything all over. That we wouldn't hide anything, and if there are ever any doubts, temptations, frustrations, anything at all, to bring them up so we can work them out together. I started to feel happy again, like we can be the way we were before, that I can feel as happy as I did before.
> ...


I think you made the right choice, that guy didn't seem very trustworthy. You are a strong person for being able to do this.

Now to find yourself again. You got a whole forum of lovely people to talk to here if you need it, share experiences or whatever you feel like. ^^


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## Ocky (Feb 19, 2011)

No No No.

In addition to everything thats already been said; you will be consciously anxious and suspicious about him. Every time he gets a text you will feel a pang of jealousy. Every time he's late you will worry about where hes been blah blah blah...

No, make the tough decision to cut him out of your life.


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## Ben8 (Jul 5, 2013)

A friend of mine cheated on his girlfriend once. I ended up dating the girl he cheated on her with for a bit. Anyway, she gave my friend a second chance. Recently, she texted me telling me he cheated on her again. She said she was going to move on and all that. Turns out, she's back with him again. So.........


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## Lilsnowy (Sep 9, 2009)

Although it's over a year later and this issue was hopefully resolved, I wanted to add that it is possible to forgive someone without reconciling with them. Forgiving does not have to mean, "give you a second chance to betray me." 

It can mean, "I forgive you, but do not plan on trusting you with my life or emotions again. Do not contact me again. Goodbye."

You always have the power and the obligation to yourself to say no to anything--or anyone-- that is bad for you.


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## strawberryLola (Sep 19, 2010)

InSolitude said:


> I've got some thoughts here coming from the perspective of having been in a similar situation.
> 
> - He's not taking responsibility for his actions. This is clear when he justifies what he did in terms of not being sure about you. You guys were exclusive at that time yes? In which case he has no business having sex with someone else regardless of how he feels about you. When you're not sure, the mature thing to do is to either wait it out and remain exclusive or break it off in order to pursue other options. Not cheat on your partner until you are sure and hope she never finds out. He's only refusing to fight with you over it because he knows this should be the end and he's playing the 'okay I'll let her have her feelings' card in order to prevent that. He's being clever, not being contrite.
> 
> ...


this says something about a person's character we cannot miss: _selfish_. 

A person who is selfish doesn't know how to love. Their actions are cowardice, and undeserving of respect. Callous. Disingenuous. Not great traits to have for a human being, let alone reproduction.


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