# How do you stop caring about this?



## Ben8 (Jul 5, 2013)

Yeah, so I think I have an inferiority complex. I'm 21, at university, and I am going through a rough patch with a breakup. What it has made me realize is my life is predicated on being better than other people. My career choice, engineering, is due to me wanting an intellectually challenging field. Of course I would feel superior to my colleagues who decided to pursue creative writing or whatever. I want to look and be more attractive so that I can be more appealing than other people. I want an exciting life so it can be better than my ex girlfriend's. I want to be happy and have a purpose in life. As of now, it has become apparent to me that my happiness and fulfillment is dependent on how I measure up to other people. You can see that this won't really work well. It hasn't. It's almost like I get anxious thinking about someone thinking of themselves as superior to me at something. It really bothers me. I can't find a way to stop caring about what people think/stop feeling inferior or superior. It's not as simple as, "Stop judging yourself on other people and be happy!" I'm trying. I could use advice.


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## stiletto (Oct 26, 2013)

I'm sorry your self-esteem is so low. That is tough. And comparing yourself to others is worse.

Spend some time and money on yourself (working/improving YOU). Think of it as an investment into your future. Take up hobbies or practice skills you think will make you a better person. Resist the urge to compare. There will always be someone better or worse than you. 

Perhaps do a personal resume as an exercise. I always feel these things were meaningless personally, but it seems to work for feelers (if you are one). Draw up a resume that focuses and slightly embellishes your personal qualities. This is not for work, it's just for you. Don't even show it to anyone. Make a change.

If you've been doing something the same way expecting the different results, maybe it's time to change your methods. Good luck.


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## AriesLilith (Jan 6, 2013)

It's not easy and yes, just coz you realize that it's not good doesn't mean you can simply turn the off switch and stop caring.

But you need to ask yourself and reflect well: this is your life. People might walk along with you but they won't walk your walk. At the end of the day only you being happy with it or not matters.

I used to worry more about what others think but then as I grow up, intuitively I realize it better and better how tiresome and pointless it is to try to please everyone or every expectation from others. It doesn't really matter. As long as you and your loved ones are fine.

There will always be someone who will dislike you. Or even hate you. There will be people more successful than you. There will be people who just expects more and more of you. You can choose to follow their expectations risking not reaching it ever, or simply distancing from them.

Do everyone really matter?? Does a person who you don't respect or admire matter?


Something even more admirable is not that doctor or engineer. It is that person who is courageous enough to own his or her own life and do what he or she pleases. To live the days according to his or her wishes.


It's not easy to come to this realization but small steps can be taken. Start focusing on what you really want to do, what you really want to make of your life. Find people who thinks similarly or who shares interest in what you might be interest in. Share your relfections with those who respect people for their individuality.

Realization is gradual, try to stop focusing on all the noise from those who don't really matter.


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## Proxybitch (Jul 28, 2015)

Im going to quote myself:



Proxybitch said:


> Stop comparing yourself to others. The competition is crippling. No?
> 
> Einstein. INTP. Beat his theory of relativity, I dare you.
> 
> Either that, or learn to be happy for who you are and appreciate other's ideas and actions for what they are. The best way to do something outstanding is doing it because its what you genuinely love and are interested in. Doing something great isnt a goal. It just happens as a consequence.


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## MsBossyPants (Oct 5, 2011)

Ben8 said:


> Yeah, so I think I have an inferiority complex. I'm 21, at university, and I am going through a rough patch with a breakup.* What it has made me realize is my life is predicated on being better than other people. *My career choice, engineering, is due to me wanting an intellectually challenging field. Of course I would feel superior to my colleagues who decided to pursue creative writing or whatever. I want to look and be more attractive so that I can be more appealing than other people. I want an exciting life so it can be better than my ex girlfriend's. I want to be happy and have a purpose in life. As of now, it has become apparent to me that my happiness and fulfillment is dependent on how I measure up to other people. You can see that this won't really work well. It hasn't. It's almost like I get anxious thinking about someone thinking of themselves as superior to me at something. It really bothers me. I can't find a way to stop caring about what people think/stop feeling inferior or superior. It's not as simple as, "Stop judging yourself on other people and be happy!" I'm trying. I could use advice.


Ask yourself, "why?". It's going to require some digging. 



> my happiness and fulfillment is dependent on how I measure up to other people


Why does that matter to me?



> My life is predicated on being better than other people.


Why do I need to feel that way?



> It's almost like I get anxious thinking about someone thinking of themselves as superior to me at something. It really bothers me. I can't find a way to stop caring about what people think/stop feeling inferior or superior


Why do I get anxious?

... and so on. Keep digging. Eventually you'll get to the crux of it. Be honest with yourself. Good luck.


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## MrShatter (Sep 28, 2010)

Ben8 said:


> Of course I would feel superior to my colleagues who decided to pursue creative writing or whatever.


Ha!

Get angry. Stop moping about like a little shit <3
(These whiny forum posts/replies feed into your victimization.)

Your signature is hypocritical.

Get generous. Serve a purpose that will earn respect.


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## Ben8 (Jul 5, 2013)

MrShatter said:


> Ha!
> 
> Get angry. Stop moping about like a little shit <3
> (These whiny forum posts/replies feed into your victimization.)
> ...


Lately, for the past half year or so, I have gotten into this really bad habit of complaining about my problems to everyone. It's like I can't deal with my problems alone anymore. Any advice on that?


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## MrShatter (Sep 28, 2010)

Ben8 said:


> Lately, for the past half year or so, I have gotten into this really bad habit of complaining about my problems to everyone. It's like I can't deal with my problems alone anymore. Any advice on that?


Complaining probably makes your interactions with others less satisfying.
If you're complaining you're not taking responsibility.
Trust in your own ability to see things through. 
Also force yourself to take action instead of berating yourself, and relax, the constant sense of "I'm not doing enough" only wears you out. 

Set smaller goals, gradual progress. Also you're probably better off than you think/the obstacles/problems aren't that big. I recently got out of a (first) relationship too. Messy, but it gets easier. . . . . I've dealt with it by finding activities to lose myself in. Be on guard for distractions>temper addictions/over-indulgence. Running was a big part of it for me because the energy helps with the typical obstacle/solution thinking.

You can't wrestle with evil directly you need to energetically pursue the good, they say.


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## rambleonrose (Mar 5, 2012)

MrShatter said:


> Ha!
> 
> Get angry. Stop moping about like a little shit <3
> (These whiny forum posts/replies feed into your victimization.)
> ...


Maybe, maybe not. I have a bumper sticker on my car from a local sandwich shop in my hometown that reads, "Eat something, you'll feel better!" with a pretty betty boop-esque cartoon. Basically, I put it there at a time where I was low in self esteem and doing the not eating thing and all that, and when my mind starts to go back to that place, it's a nice little reminder, if that makes any sense. 

But to the OP, it's not something one can necessarily stop caring about, and more so as you adjust your priorities, the "stop caring" part is just a side effect.


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## MrShatter (Sep 28, 2010)

rambleonrose said:


> Maybe, maybe not.


Was just being antagonistic  I don't know him at all.


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## Delicious Speculation (May 17, 2015)

Ben8 said:


> What it has made me realize is my life is predicated on being better than other people. My career choice, engineering, is due to me wanting an intellectually challenging field. Of course I would feel superior to my colleagues who decided to pursue creative writing or whatever. I want to look and be more attractive so that I can be more appealing than other people. I want an exciting life so it can be better than my ex girlfriend's.


Why do you feel the need to live your life by comparing everything in it to what other people have and do? You've acknowledged that you do this. Figure out why. Was it always this way? Were you hurt by something/someone that caused a shift in your way of thinking (like this recent breakup)? 

Do you ever do things just because you enjoy them for their own sake, without reasoning that what you're doing is better and more meaningful than what X person is doing, therefore you're better than them? Engineering is no better or worse than creative writing. I mean, engineering would be better for me than creative writing because I like building things and mathematics, but creative writing would be better for someone who had a mind full of literary ideas. So what do you do for fun, just for the sake of doing it?


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## Gossip Goat (Nov 19, 2013)

Realization. 

Being an engineer gives you no more worth than being an artist. This rank that you have should be eliminated from your thought process. By using this rank to "better" yourself you already have a notion that you're "not good enough". Think about it this way, you've gotten accepted into an engineering program, does that make you feel better? Perhaps sometimes you might say, but did it solve the unhappiness? Perhaps not. Will becoming an engineer and getting whatever else you desire truly get rid of this inferiority complex? Perhaps accomplishing things will make you feel better for a while, but it will never fill "the void". And the high of your accomplishments will dwindle down because no one else cared. Doing things for other people is really no way to live. Everyone is trying to accomplish their dreams and won't pay much attention to whatever you're doing. Which is why you have to be the person who cares about you. 

Something that helps me is to write your thoughts out. Write it out until you find a reason why you shouldn't care. Try to really believe that reason.

Small anecdote that perhaps is too random:


* *






The other day I was sitting next to a person I know on a bench. This person, for whatever reason, started to compare our arm fat. Anything related to weight affects me because I've had an eating disorder and still have disordered thinking. I changed the subject but for a split second I thought, "what if they think I have the biggest arm fat? I have to get on a diet ASAP." Diet in my world = starve. I've had enough people tell me that's not good, and there must be some validity to everyone's claims, so I tried to find my very own reason to believe them. 

-Okay it's not good for me. Yo-yo dieting is bad. I should just change my lifestyle.
-*starts to feel silly for being this voice of reason* I should just diet doing the "right thing" is stupid. Lifestyle changes are hard.
-Well wait, a diet is temporary, a lifestyle change is forever... What is a lifestyle, I don't have to do a 360.

In that internal monologue I struggled with following what others had told me dieting (my definition) is bad. I had to find my own reason and not have someone tell me its wrong. Once you have a sense of autonomy in your decisions and thoughts I think that clear thinking is easier. Just try to find your very own reason as to why not care. Sometimes people really do give great eye opening advice that really change your perception but for the times that that doesn't happen you have to try to come up with your own advice.

I think we will always feel like we don't measure up to a certain point, and that there's always going to be something we don't have that someone else does. You just really have to realize everyone else is focused on themselves, sure occasionally they will pay attention to you but you aren't going to be their world. Which is why striving for their attention is useless. Do things that make you happy. 






In a way doing things for others strips you of your autonomy and leaves you feeling powerless and less than.
Decide what you wanna do based on what YOU wanna do. Don't do X or Y just because you wanna impress the alphabet. Because you are letting THEM decide YOUR life.

We're all on a similar road, so don't feel alone. roud:


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## yet another intj (Feb 10, 2013)

Ben8 said:


> Yeah, so I think I have an inferiority complex.


You will probably ask how can you stop idealizing yourself with over-analytical delusions. Then, some people will give you sabotaging advises for chasing your morbid idealism faster with bigger steps.



Ben8 said:


> I'm 21, at university, and I am going through a rough patch with a breakup. What it has made me realize is my life is predicated on being better than other people. My career choice, engineering, is due to me wanting an intellectually challenging field. Of course I would feel superior to my colleagues who decided to pursue creative writing or whatever.


Dude... Who the hell are you? I'm talking about you... Not a probability of you according to this or that alternative universe/timeline... Not your relative coordinates according to this or that person's momentary position/condition... Who are you? What is "the fundamental core" after I peel all those artificial references from your identity? Do you like ice cream? Which flavor you proudly prefer? Are you afraid of dark or feeling ridiculously confident around big dogs? Did you ever feel happy enough to expect a disaster with guilt or sad enough to suddenly find it amusing? Those are the foundation of our inner peace, the sense of self... The things that nobody can take away from you, sometimes the things you wish they can. 



Ben8 said:


> I want to look and be more attractive so that I can be more appealing than other people. I want an exciting life so it can be better than my ex girlfriend's. I want to be happy and have a purpose in life.


In the long run we are all dead... There will be always "better" people than you and nothing can be truly exciting unless you honestly believe there's nothing can be simply more exciting than what you are doing... Just because you are doing it at the moment, not because someone else is also doing it better or worse than you at the same time... Your purpose in life is recognizing yourself, not identifying.



Ben8 said:


> As of now, it has become apparent to me that my happiness and fulfillment is dependent on how I measure up to other people. You can see that this won't really work well. It hasn't.


You are living in your own personal hell and it's not even capable of accommodating you.



Ben8 said:


> It's almost like I get anxious thinking about someone thinking of themselves as superior to me at something.


Because they are... Get used to it. There's nothing that you can really do. You are just a person and apparently they are everybody from your perspective. By the way, did you ever try not giving a fuck? Only an equally disturbed person would randomly wake up and start thinking that he/she is better than you at something. Billions of people who will certainly outlive you is cluelessly enjoying the life right now... Are you going to kill them first to feel superior? No... Surrender! You already lost the battle because there's no war.



Ben8 said:


> It really bothers me.


So, there's still hope.



Ben8 said:


> I can't find a way to stop caring about what people think/stop feeling inferior or superior. It's not as simple as, "Stop judging yourself on other people and be happy!" I'm trying. I could use advice.


Actually, it's that simple and that's why you can't do it all by yourself. At some point in your life, you will mess things up really, really badly. You will crash and burn, try to explain things as you always do with denials... But... You will fail for the first time in your life with failing properly... Then, things will "be" simpler.


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## Carpentet810 (Nov 17, 2013)

Well if you are serious about forgetting things then try Valerian Root Capsules and Everclear or Vodka. I guarantee you take 6 of those and couple shots you will forget where you are! Nothing like going to bed after doing that and waking up the next night at a party. If you take enough you can literally blank out days. Found this stuff while combating insomnia. Only thing is if you take it too long you start going to bed and waking up driving down the highway in another state... Pretty cool I thought. Oh yeah the stuff tastes horrible even in capsule form. Its fun stuff and does not pop the drug test. Be warned though you may have sudden blackouts weeks after stopping it...


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

Carpentet810 said:


> Well if you are serious about forgetting things then try Valerian Root Capsules and Everclear or Vodka. I guarantee you take 6 of those and couple shots you will forget where you are! Nothing like going to bed after doing that and waking up the next night at a party. If you take enough you can literally blank out days. Found this stuff while combating insomnia. Only thing is if you take it too long you start going to bed and waking up driving down the highway in another state... Pretty cool I thought. Oh yeah the stuff tastes horrible even in capsule form. Its fun stuff and does not pop the drug test. Be warned though you may have sudden blackouts weeks after stopping it...


This is really bad advice. Do not do this.

I once walked around with wild valerian. It's a nice plant when it's alive and not combined with alcohol. 

It's way better than mixing capsules with alcohol, unless you want to kill yourself on accident or wake up with a bunch of bruises.

You give terrible advice, btw. I think this is probably THE WORST advice I have ever read on PerC...just wanted to tell you that.


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## Carpentet810 (Nov 17, 2013)

Meltedsorbet said:


> This is really bad advice. Do not do this.
> 
> I once walked around with wild valerian. It's a nice plant when it's alive and not combined with alcohol.
> 
> ...


You are quite welcome.


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## Dao (Sep 13, 2013)

Carpentet810 said:


> Well if you are serious about forgetting things then try Valerian Root Capsules and Everclear or Vodka. I guarantee you take 6 of those and couple shots you will forget where you are! Nothing like going to bed after doing that and waking up the next night at a party. If you take enough you can literally blank out days. Found this stuff while combating insomnia. Only thing is if you take it too long you start going to bed and waking up driving down the highway in another state... Pretty cool I thought. Oh yeah the stuff tastes horrible even in capsule form. Its fun stuff and does not pop the drug test. Be warned though you may have sudden blackouts weeks after stopping it...


This is a horrible idea. You never should take more than one GABA agonist at a time because you could DIE.


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## stiletto (Oct 26, 2013)

Meltedsorbet said:


> This is really bad advice. Do not do this.
> 
> I once walked around with wild valerian. It's a nice plant when it's alive and not combined with alcohol.
> 
> ...





Dao said:


> This is a horrible idea. You never should take more than one GABA agonist at a time because you could DIE.


Guys, ENTPs aren't meant to be taken seriously. :tongue:


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## hal0hal0 (Sep 1, 2012)

*warning*

*Thread Warning: *
*Please stick to constructive advice for OP, y'all. Thanks*​


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## Razare (Apr 21, 2009)

Ben8 said:


> As of now, it has become apparent to me that my happiness and fulfillment is dependent on how I measure up to other people. You can see that this won't really work well. It hasn't. It's almost like I get anxious thinking about someone thinking of themselves as superior to me at something. It really bothers me. I can't find a way to stop caring about what people think/stop feeling inferior or superior. It's not as simple as, "Stop judging yourself on other people and be happy!" I'm trying. I could use advice.


Do not feel bad about it, the same thing happened to me at about 19. My bubble popped when I went to college and on the first day there were people in my advanced studies class with likely double my knowledge and intellect. Instantly, I was in shock and devastated. I did not really understand what happened and I had to sit in my dorm room figuring it out.

There are a few avenues to take at this point, some with the same basic problem.

For example, you could play bait and switch with yourself, moving your self-worth analysis from one concept to another. "Alright, I can't be the most attractive or intelligent person, but I can be the most X person." This is a common strategy people employ because fundamentally, they do not know how to deal with life differently. They know how to do this basic process of comparative self-worth, but since the area of measurement failed, they just measure in a different area. I suggest not doing this.

Needing to be better than others is a problem, like you identified.

"We should not be astonished if in the cases where we see an inferiority [feeling] complex we find a superiority complex more or less hidden. On the other hand, if we inquire into a superiority complex and study its continuity, we can always find a more or less hidden inferiority [feeling] complex." https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Superiority_complex

The solution is to neither be inferior nor superior in our thoughts and attitudes but basically equal. Then from this position of equality, we can add concepts like true humility where we put others first, without ever thinking ourselves inferior (hidden superiority).

The problem, if you're anything like me, is that wanting to feel superior is basically still a temptation/lust in our lives. That basically just means we will still get a kick out of the behavior when we need to work on getting rid of the inferiority issue.

Superiority/inferiority complex as far as I can tell, stems from self-focus. If we lived a whole day without ever considering ourselves, our needs, our desires, our dreams, and just lived with an awareness of others... this behavior pulls us out of the wrong way of behaving.

Yet it is not easy.

This is one of the huge dangers society has created by concepts like self-esteem. They are basically promoting a mentality where by children learn to value themselves, but since secularism only has the tangible world to perform an evaluation of self-worth, we have to compare ourselves to others to see any worth.


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