# Justified insensitivity?



## AirMarionette (Mar 13, 2010)

So I went through ~creepy traumatic shit~ when I was a kid, like a lot of kids do. It involved my grandfather.

Point is, I've become so bitter about what happened that I've completely dissociated any attachments I may have had to him, i.e., he can die tomorrow and it most likely won't affect me (sometimes I forget he's still alive, that they're all still alive, just far away). Granted, I've become desensitized to their existence with passing time.

Anyway...

Is it right for me to feel that, just because in my mind he's just this weird old man whose actions I can't explain? My mom showed me a bunch of things she was taking back to Cuba for her trip, one of them being a watch that she had gotten for my grandfather in memory of my father, something like that. I just held it there thinking about how much I didn't care, how she expected me to care, and how rational was it for me to be so careless about it.


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## WickedQueen (Jun 1, 2009)

I'm insensitive all the time about many things.

I dislike my grandma because she's stink.
I dislike my brother because he always bring troubles into our family.
I dislike my gym teacher because he molested me.
I dislike my ESTP friend because she back-stabbed me.
I dislike my ex-colleague because she's dirty and lack sense of manner.

I wish they all die soon. Is that means I'm insensitive? Probably. Is that wrong? I don't care. I'm not responsible for their live anyway. I just want to dislike them in peace.

What do you want?


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## StephFinny (May 4, 2010)

I too went though creepy traumatic shit with my asshole grandfather. I can't stand him and I very rarely talk to or see him. Also, my family has no idea. For years I struggled and didn't tell anyone. I still haven't told anyone in my family, I've found other outlets for expressing my anger, mostly through writing. The fact that when I see him, he knows I could pretty much destroy his life in a heartbeat (by telling my dad or anyone else) it gives me this nice sense of empowerment that I use to cope with it. It's also nice that he sucks up to me even though I'm not at all nice or friendly to him and his new wife. 

Does your fam know? I told my girlfriend years ago (after not telling a soul for over 10 years) and it opened these insane emotional floodgates that took me some time to control, but I've managed to make my peace with the situation. Let me know if you need any advice.

I have a background in Psychology and it sounds like you have major emotional detachment (hiding in the form of extreme apathy/insensitivity) and so I can tell you with absolute certainty that is not healthy and helping you. It's a defense mechanism for something you can't emotionally handle. Don't let your asshole "grandfather" continue to have that power over you. Try to face it head on, even if it's yelling "FUCK YOU!!!" as loud as you can.


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## AirMarionette (Mar 13, 2010)

StephFinny said:


> I too went though creepy traumatic shit with my asshole grandfather. I can't stand him and I very rarely talk to or see him. Also, my family has no idea. For years I struggled and didn't tell anyone. I still haven't told anyone in my family, I've found other outlets for expressing my anger, mostly through writing. The fact that when I see him, he knows I could pretty much destroy his life in a heartbeat (by telling my dad or anyone else) it gives me this nice sense of empowerment that I use to cope with it. It's also nice that he sucks up to me even though I'm not at all nice or friendly to him and his new wife.
> 
> Does your fam know? I told my girlfriend years ago (after not telling a soul for over 10 years) and it opened these insane emotional floodgates that took me some time to control, but I've managed to make my peace with the situation. Let me know if you need any advice.
> 
> I have a background in Psychology and it sounds like you have major emotional detachment (hiding in the form of extreme apathy/insensitivity) and so I can tell you with absolute certainty that is not healthy and helping you. It's a defense mechanism for something you can't emotionally handle. Don't let your asshole "grandfather" continue to have that power over you. Try to face it head on, even if it's yelling "FUCK YOU!!!" as loud as you can.


Sorry to hear about that. :/

I'm pretty calm about it, though (i.e. when I'm not momentarily freaking out any time someone talks about sex). It just depends on how I feel at the moment - I get moments where I just want to be okay, like everyone else; and because it's not something I can just switch on or off, I shift the blame all to him as the causer. It was a very, very long time ago, anyway. It seems that the more I talk about it, the more frequently I think about it (makes sense). I get angry because this feeling only adds to my ever-growing mountain of insecurities.

I don't have a sense of power, I don't want him to die a painful death, I don't want to punch him in the face; I just want to forget about it and move on and, I dunno, BE OKAY. I don't want to see him or talk to him, though; I used to be able to, but like I said, as soon as I started releasing it, it got worse. He's in Cuba, and I haven't seen him for almost a decade (probs why I don't miss him or care much). 

I've adopted this rationality where everything he did was explicable - psychologically, he was probably disturbed. God knows how many times he may have cheated on my grandmother, too. And he's not a bad man, just... don't really know what prompted him to do that, but it's not like I lie in bed at night crying WHY, oh, why! hahaha. 

No one in my family knows, I've only told a couple friends of mine. Telling them wouldn't solve anything, it'd only open a can of worms that has been sealed nice and tight for a couple of years. So I dunno, I've never talked to a professional about it, never talked to an adult about it, either...


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## Diphenhydramine (Apr 9, 2010)

WickedQueen said:


> I dislike my grandma because she's stink.


 Wtf. That's an insane reason to dislike your grandmother, given that old people generally do smell a bit. Do you expect her to wear perfume or something? Grow up.



AirMarionette said:


> No one in my family knows, I've only told a couple friends of mine. Telling them wouldn't solve anything, it'd only open a can of worms that has been sealed nice and tight for a couple of years. So I dunno, *I've never talked to a professional about it*, never talked to an adult about it, either...


 You should do. I was going to reply to this thread but on review I don't think anything I can say can compare to what you're insinuating. There's nothing demeaning about seeking help from a professional; I was considering doing it. So seriously -- speak to someone, it will probably do you the world of good.

I don't really want to intrude, but I think you ought to tell your parents. It might just be my "justice v mercy" side kicking in but it's not fair that he can do something that sounds really quite awful to you, let it torment you and get away with it.


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## StephFinny (May 4, 2010)

I understand choosing not to tell your family, I decided the same thing many years ago. I know for a fact it would do more harm than good, because my family has been through so much that it would create a major divide that I have seen before. But I felt 1000x better about my decision after talking to my school counselor about it, she understood my reasons and didn't try to convince me to tell anyone else which I really appreciate. She sympathized and made me realize what a predator he was (def a mental disturbance), and that she understood my reasons for not wanting to tell my family. 

It does make sense that you think about it the more you talk about it, and I know how awesome friends are to talk to, but talking to a pro will help give you a fresh, new perspective that will help you make your peace with it more. It's what they're trained to do. I went through an anger phase, but it was so liberating (I stopped holding it in, all those unconscious/repressed thoughts and feelings...) and now I feel completely in control of the situation because I am, which is nice). 

I'd highly recommend talking to a counselor/ therapist. They're pretty great, although it sucks that there is a stigma attached to getting mental help. But that shouldn't stop people. I think the whole world would be a much better place if more people just went to therapy. Just something to think about :happy:


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## NotSoRighteousRob (Jan 1, 2010)

I'll say this much, the majority of people only care about themselves and those around them. Choosing to not care about someone in your orbit shouldn't matter considering you already don't care about 99% of the worlds population. I fail to see why you would be hung up on something like this.


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## MNiS (Jan 30, 2010)

In my opinion you should tell a family member if it's something that you're traumatized about. Apathy counts as being traumatized as it's something you're repressing which isn't healthy for your mental health.


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## AirMarionette (Mar 13, 2010)

@Rob: I'm not "hung up" about not caring about him, but I wondered if it was justified, so I asked to get perspective. 

Thanks for all the input.  
I probably won't tell my mom or anyone in my family anytime soon, partially because I don't think they'll take me very seriously, and partially because I don't see the point. What are they going to do? Yell at him? Stop talking to each other again? In the end, it won't help ME, which is the idea. Wouldn't even know how to vocalize it, either, because it's so embarrassing. 

I've taken advantage of the counseling center at my uni, but I'm not too diligent when it comes to scheduling sessions, especially at ungodly morning hours. For that reason, I begin to question "is this absolutely necessary" and usually delude myself into thinking that I'm capable of overcoming it on my own (readily admitting my mistakes here).

I think my best approach would be to physically show up at the counseling office instead of calling, and make an appointment then. That's what I'll most likely do when I go back to school next week for summer.


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## Mercer (Nov 6, 2009)

AirMarionette said:


> So I went through ~creepy traumatic shit~ when I was a kid, like a lot of kids do. It involved my grandfather.
> 
> Point is, I've become so bitter about what happened that I've completely dissociated any attachments I may have had to him, i.e., he can die tomorrow and it most likely won't affect me (sometimes I forget he's still alive, that they're all still alive, just far away). Granted, I've become desensitized to their existence with passing time.
> 
> ...


yes, your feelings are natural.


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## thewindlistens (Mar 12, 2009)

Insensitivity is just one of those things. Those who don't like it won't ever see it as justified, those who don't care won't ever need to feel jusified.

I don't see much of a reason for you to care.


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## AirMarionette (Mar 13, 2010)

Alright, awesome. Thanks.


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## Lestroe (May 7, 2010)

It appears to me, from what you have said (and I could be wrong), that you are trying to ignore the situation and the feelings with it. Like you are trying to bury them and convince yourself that you are okay. 
I was recently in counseling (which is really great when you get someone good) and I was able to really open up on some of my problems. I admit that they are not the same as what you seem to suggest. I also admit that I found the process painful, embarrassing, and _draining_. I am not good at talking about my problems, especially when I have been blown off more than once by someone I thought I could trust with my feelings. It took all my courage and I was absolutely miserable.
Talking about it did not magically make my problems go away. I still don't know how this will affect me in the future. But strangely enough I do feel better. I'm more aware of my feelings and they have not disappeared, but I no longer have this tightness in my chest. I no longer feel like I'll explode, scream in the middle of the sidewalk, or gesture rudely at the professor and storm out the classroom. (Okay, sometimes I still want to do the last one...) I don't feel so hopeless. Things might be bad now, but that doesn't mean they have to be in the future.
I'm not telling you to forgive your grandfather or care about him in any way. He did something very wrong and I hope karma kicks his ass. I just hope you can find someone, anyone, to talk to about it. Find someone you can tell everything and will let you vent- scream, cry, and yell. If you don't have someone like that in person, try online. You could be trying to convince yourself that it doesn't matter when it really does. Going through life like that will be hard.

If I completely misinterpreted the situation or your question, ignore this. I'm just trying to empathize a little but it's not a skill I'm proficient in.


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## Sabishiiko (Dec 16, 2014)

I don't see anything wrong with insensitivity because of that. It's perfectly normal, in my opinion. No need to feel like your emotions are unjustified.


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## TurtleQueen (Nov 8, 2014)

This thread is really old, but I'm still going to post my response in case @AirMarionette is still looking for advice. I'm going to sound angry, and I would like to make it clear that I'm angry at the injustice that happened to the OP.

I don't think that people are obligated to be nice to anyone, but I do consider it a good thing (in general) to show some care and concern towards family members. That care should be reciprocal, and I think that sexual molestation crosses a huge, ugly line and shows that your grandfather did not love you in the way that he should have. My mom was very protective of my sister and me above other people, and I think that a parent should be protective of their children and put them first as a priority in their relationships with people. I would want my child to tell me if he/she had been sexually molested so that I could give my child whatever support was necessary, tell whoever did it that the person is a disgusting and worthless piece of shit, cease all contact with the offender forever, and help my child prosecute the son of a bitch to the fullest extent of the law (if my child wanted it). If I was your mother, I would take you seriously and wouldn't sweep the issue under the rug just because it would be painful for me to cut off contact with my father or realize that my father was a worthless piece of crap.

I agree with the people who said that it would be a good idea to see a therapist and to tell your family what happened. Sexual molestation from a trusted adult is a traumatizing experience, and you might be traumatized even if you feel that you are dealing with it fairly well. Your family cannot possibly support you if they have no idea what happened to you, and you could be put in a difficult spot if they react badly to the fact that you don't care about your grandfather for no apparent reason from their perspective. You have the right to feel however the hell you want. Frankly, you're reacting moderately by not wanting to spit on the guy's grave or punch him in the face. I'm not saying that you are obligated to feel angry, but I think it would be good for you to own whatever anger you do have. If other people in your family could react badly, you have the right to dump them and not give a shit about them for not supporting you as a victim. I would urge you to stop considering what might be best for other people in your family and to think about what would be best for you. You are the victim here, so your feelings are a lot more important than making other people feel uncomfortable.


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

If I say that everyday millions of people, I think it's good that I'm insensitive. If I wasn't, I would just be mentally scarred and damaged to brink of insanity.


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