# To those that understand emotions well.



## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

17041704 said:


> thats wht happens when ur rational self takes the driving seat they build walls
> my 2 cents and disclaimer im not gd with emotions





Rihanna said:


> That is true. Only in as much as I am able to be still and within my feelings can they be maintained. But for me, logic is a default and will always autopilot after the crashing wave of liberating emotion. If only there was a way to stick a wrench in the gears or rather, program new auto pilot settings...





Rihanna said:


> Not sure if you're talking to me but if so, something being logical has nothing to do with its being productive.
> (unless of course that is the goal of the ego)
> 
> However, I think all of these psychological constructions and defenses are when delved into in any way, deeply logical. Not only that, but in my case at the least, make me much more productive than I would be otherwise.
> ...


My post was relative to the exchange in the top two quoted posts. You appear to believe that your walls, et al, are because of your autopilot logic. They're not since they're distinct from logic. Walls, ego, etc, are the product of emotional conditioning.

As far as goals are concerned, presuming that your goal is to tear down your ego/wall/pride, logic is exactly the tool to parse away e/w/p.


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## beth x (Mar 4, 2010)

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I'm going to clean this thread up a little from a derail as it deserves to have a second chance.


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## Rihanna (Nov 30, 2020)

mia-me said:


> My post was relative to the exchange in the top two quoted posts. You appear to believe that your walls, et al, are because of your autopilot logic. They're not since they're distinct from logic. Walls, ego, etc, are the product of emotional conditioning.
> 
> As far as goals are concerned, presuming that your goal is to tear down your ego/wall/pride, logic is exactly the tool to parse away e/w/p.


Ah, I see. Autopilot logic is the wrong wording then.

Is emotional conditioning without a sense of internal logic, however?

Can you elaborate a little more? I think I get what you mean. I think of heavy deep set beliefs I have had in the past, such as religious beliefs, that I realized made no logical sense long before I stopped believing them. And by extension stopped believing in hell or fearing torment etc.

I think a large part of the eventual loss of belief was a consistent challenging of them on a logical basis to myself internally for over a year. One day the fear wasn't there anymore and neither was the belief.

This could similarly apply if only I knew what the underlying belief is that I have that makes me be the way I be 99% of the time. This might be harder than religion to break but, I imagine, even more liberating.


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## SentientBeing (Aug 19, 2020)

SentientBeing said:


> I honestly have the same problem as you.
> 
> Emotional detachment is how I operate almost everyday in a month (except during my period). One advice given to me is to do heart chakra meditation or to commit your thoughts and emotions in journaling. Journaling helps because it's a safe space where you can be yourself without being judged by people.
> 
> Journaling helps process our thoughts and stuffs we won't admit (pride issues) and it has honestly helped me understand several of my emotions and be less guarded and better at communicating and expressing my emotions. Maybe that could help.


Have you tried heart chakra meditation?

At first I thought it was some new age mumbo jumbo but it did help me release some suppressed emotions.


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

Rihanna said:


> Ah, I see. Autopilot logic is the wrong wording then.
> 
> Is emotional conditioning without a sense of internal logic, however?
> 
> ...


No need to elaborate since it sounds like you've grasped the concept, relative to the absence of religion and your internal lenses. 

By extension, what component of your reservations source from assorted fears?


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## Rihanna (Nov 30, 2020)

SentientBeing said:


> Have you tried heart chakra meditation?
> 
> At first I thought it was some new age mumbo jumbo but it did help me release some suppressed emotions.


You know, not specifically. Send your favorite ones my way.


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## ENFPathetic (Apr 3, 2018)

Rihanna said:


> I am lacking in my understanding. I am an INTJ if that helps. Often I have found that there are moments in my life, devastating ones and suddenly I feel all my walls down. It is so liberating. And yet 99.9% of the time otherwise, they are up. It is almost like I don't know how to exist without them. And I can't voluntarily let them go. Those moments only last so long and immediately after a blow. This blow somehow strips down my ...pride? And I feel vulnerable, but in a good way. Like the weight of the walls had been so heavy anyway, and they didn't mean much at all. Yet, they regenerate even if I consciously try to hold on to that openness longer.
> I feel alone, and I feel distant. And I don't want to be that. When I force it, it never goes well. I'm trying to figure out how to get that calm sense after a casualty to remain permanent.
> 
> Any advice would be helpful.


It all makes perfect sense. Logic is tough. It's reliable. It's consistent. Emotions are, soft, erratic and easy for others to manipulate. All it takes is one person using your emotions against you when you're young and vulnerable and you may never trust your emotions again.

So you methodically build walls around your unreliable emotions using your trusted logic and thus almost make your weak emotions a non existent thing.

But then comes one of those rare instances where even your trusted friend, logic, fails you spectacularly, and your walls come down, because what's the point in keeping them up at this point. With your walls down, your emotions pour out, and for a moment you realise that for better or worse, these emotions are a part of who you are as much as your rational side is. And by keeping them under lock and key, you're essentially suffocating a part of you out of existence.

Now comes the most difficult part. You like your emotions. You want to integrate them on a permanent basis, but you don't know where to start. And as always, when the conscious mind doesn't know what to do, the subconscious mind assumes control and it reverts back to what has worked for you in the past. The walls are rebuilt and you are back where you started.

If I'm barking up the wrong 🌲, sorry to have wasted your and feel free to stop reading. If I'm not merely projecting and you can relate, you can definitely do something to change it.

First, you want to identify the point in your life where you disconnected from your emotions. Then you want to understand what lead up to it. A therapist will be great at helping answer these questions.

Once you know when where and how it happened, you can then focus on why it happened. Whatever the answer is, empathy will be key in finding it. More often than not, the responsible party is a parental figure or teacher who was drunk on their own ignorance. And it's very easy to empathise with getting drunk on one's own ignorance. We're all a repeat of an inherited ancient cycle of behaviours to at least some extent.

After empathy comes acceptance and forgiveness. If you find it hard to forgive, see if talking with the responsible party might help. If they've become a better person since and give you a sincere apology, it'll make it easier to forgive them. If you can't trust them to be mature about it or find the idea too uncomfortable for whatever reason, it's ok. You just have to keep having an honest conversation with yourself until you're ready to forgive. No matter how much of a piece of shit that person was, they too, just like you were dealt a hand they never asked for and inherited their own issues growing up. And this is really important because if you can't forgive them for cycle they continued, how will you in good conscience forgive yourself for the cycle you continued?

What happens from there onwards is highly dependent on how grounded your perspective and expectations are. You need a program and some goals. Remember that this whole time you've been honing your ability to reason. You've learned to be more disciplined and more precise in your thinking. And over the years that has led to you developing a degree of deep rooted subconscious confidence and comfort in your grasp on logic.

You're going to need to put in work to discipline your emotions. Some exercise I've used.

For one minute a day, try to write down what you're feeling. If you find this too easy, try talking about your feelings out loud. Level up to talking about them to someone close. Keep practicing being open with your feelings around people you can trust until you become a little comfortable with the idea.

The next stage is discipline. Building walls are unhealthy, but being too vulnerable is equally unhealthy if not worse. You need some ground rules, aka boundaries. Both for yourself and others.

For you, a good rule of thumb is to let your emotions wash over you but within limit. If your emotions are drowning out your rational mind you need to take a moment to calm down.

For others. If they keep treating you in a way that hurts your feelings, stop them in their tracks and clearly draw a line in the sand for them and calmly make sure they respect it. Being so comfortable with your rational side will make this very easy for you, I imagine.

Your subconscious mind will fight you for up to several months but if you can weather the storm, you will reap massive rewards. Even greater than the sense of satisfaction and joy that comes with freely acknowledging your feelings, is the relief of not having to expend all that energy maintaining your walls. Eventually, your subconscious mind will accept the new normal and stop fighting you.

There's a lot more to go over. Overall, if you can afford to see a therapist, that will be much better. I feel like if I did that sooner, I probably would have resolved my issues much faster. Just remember that therapists only help you. You have to have your own goals and come up with your own plans and implement them. Therapists are great at helping you understand the roadblocks you come across along the way as well as bringing you back down to reality whenever you lose yourself down a rabbit hole.

I wish you and me both the best going forward!


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

It's theorized that emotions are ways to shortcut decision-making, in an x condition results in a b response. Unfortunately, it typically commits the hasty generalization fallacy because not all xs should result in b responses. But back in the days of primitive man where life and death situations were frequent, where there wasn't time to evaluate every situation, it was safer to knee jerk to fight or flight.


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## Rihanna (Nov 30, 2020)

ENFPathetic said:


> It all makes perfect sense. Logic is tough. It's reliable. It's consistent. Emotions are, soft, erratic and easy for others to manipulate. All it takes is one person using your emotions against you when you're young and vulnerable and you may never trust your emotions again.
> 
> So you methodically build walls around your unreliable emotions using your trusted logic and thus almost make your weak emotions a non existent thing.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for this. I indeed see a lot of myself reflected in what you say. If not exact, in relative essence. I had a parental figure early in life, (who I never trusted but had total control) take away everything I ever knew and anyone I ever loved in life away. Sometimes I think that it is a fear of loss that's playing somewhere deep and far from the conscious mind. If you never allow yourself to feel or connect you don't ever repeat that feeling. And I don't think I could take another blow. I can't begin to tell you how huge the 1st was. The parent in question is a narcissist, has severe anger and violence issues and looking back I think may have been some sort of high functioning paranoid schizophrenic. They haven't changed. They would never see themselves as having wrong. I don't feel there is sincere forgiveness without any sincere acknowledgment of inflicted pain. Hell would probably freeze over b4 that happened and in that hypothetical world maybe I'd be able to recognize some common humanity. That said, I don't think of her. She plays no role in my life anymore and hasn't for years. (I ran from home at a young age.) And as I mentioned initially it's not like I ever trusted her in the beginning for me to feel trust betrayed....that was my sibling...but I always knew... (call it my Ni.) So...I always was afraid of her. I never cared for her....sometimes I think that lacking a nurturing mother figure in my life is the root of this seeming fear of intimacy....
Maybe you're right about therapy. For whatever reason I don't feel inclined to go to it. Maybe one day. I appreciate your sincerity! Thanks for taking the time out of your day to try to be helpful.
Please be well and happy holidays to you and your loved ones. ❤ I'll be trying some of your other suggestions.


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