# dysfunctional relationship or power struggle stage.



## Ksara (Feb 13, 2014)

What is the difference between a dysfunctional relationship and just being caught in the power struggle stage?

Currently in my relationship this is where I am. The power struggle stage. Yay, because feeling deflated, walking on eggshells and arguing over silly things is fun... :/

Now I don't know how to approach this at all, I'm finding it difficult to deal with, and I just don't know how to resolve this or if this is instead a sign of a bad relationship.
If this is a power struggle thing due to our insecurities then this is going to follow me into every relationship until I resolve my issues. Problem is I don't believe only my issues are the problem currently. If however this is a toxic relationship then leaving is the answer simply because we don't work and anything I do wont necessarily lead to the next relationship stage.

How can I tell the difference?


Right now, I am emotionally spent. I'm tired of something going wrong every second day. I want to resolve something for once rather than be spoken at for what seems like long periods of times, or dealing with an overly negative response everytime I say no, or even having to explain myself constantly to just have my explanation to be 'proven' wrong and so I should do what he wants.


The long version:

* *





My current situation, I am in the power struggle stage of my relationship. And it's tough. One of the hardest experiences I am going through in life. I am emotionally unsettled and I'm not as happy compared to before the relationship.

I'm not sure if the problem is me. I have not been as active (less endorphins clouding my perspective?). Or maybe I am in a rut doing the same thing I always do, study at uni?
Or maybe I have been too agreeable in my relationship and have woken up realising I haven't stood up for myself?
But at the same time I feel like he has issues and insecurities he hasn't properly dealt with he has brought into the relationship.
I am trying my best to just step back in conflict. To actually observe what's happening. I know from my point of view I aim to be understanding. To have no expectations. To be respectful of his decisions. When things get tense to watch what I say, to not say hurtful things, to ask questions.

What I am receiving, my partner often coaches me when I have done something 'wrong'. He seems to talk at me for what seems like a long period of times. Criticizing in a way he believes is helpful, and I haven't asked for.

When I have an issue or Im upset somehow it becomes about his similar experience. Maybe this is his way of emphasizing, however I feel unheard.

I find he minimises my experience. I am uncomfortable with something and he won't sympathize because he has been through worst. Or I am being illogical because that thing wont harm me.

When in conflict I believe he puts me down. He says I am boring, or uninspiring, or silly. When I tell him I feel put down when he says those things his response is either I'm taking it out of context, or I'm bring overly sensitive.

And what frustrates me, the rules keep changing. He will do or say something to me. Days later I do the same thing and I have done something wrong. If I bring up a behaviour he will justify his actions, claim it is a different circumstance and I need to adapt to it. Yet for some reason my explanation isn't valid. Sigh, I just keep coming across contradictions.

What I have noticed, when I say no it always leads to a negative experience. He will push for a reason, disprove it with his logic and push for me to change my mind. If still no he becomes emotional and puts me down saying I'm boring or difficult. He will then bring our relationship into it, saying I'm selfish and should do things together. If I say no either he will leave or tell me to make the next move (feels like some sort of game).

And the blaming. He wants me to say sorry for every action that upsets him, and to acknowledge my mistake and say where I can improve. Problem, I don't believe he is taking any responsibility for his actions and how he contributed to the situation. Yes I do say sorry, and yes I acknowledge what I could have done better, and I get nothing from him.
Other times I'm stuck for apologising as I don't think it was my responsibility but his.



I get I'm not perfect myself. I just don't know how to deal with all of this. He says I'm not listening and I talk too much, yet I spend less than half of the conversation talking. I do my best not to interrupt, and I have been working on asking more questions to better understand rather than think of a response. When I have said something I have made a change to ask for feedback.

Apparently I sit in silence and ignore him. I don't remember a specific instance, but I have been working on this. I have been deliberately letting him know directly when I am getting emotional, when I cant handle the situation and I am unable to listen, and to also may say I need 5-10 mins of space to myself. I am cool and calm when I tell him.

I am careful, expressing my concerns through I statements. I am carful to not point fingers or use put downs. I do slip up on occasion. The response I am getting is I am being illogical, or selfish using I all the time.

My timing is off. Yep this one stumps me. Can't seem to ever get it right. I am learning to ask if it is ok to talk about these things to gage if he is ready.

And reading hints/body language I do suck at. I can sense something is off or wrong, or he is upset, but I just can't understand his indirect communication style. I ask questions to clarify, I ask what does he mean, or what's wrong? Often met with silence or 'that's a good question'.

There may be other mistakes but I don't think they are the reason things are so hard. He tells me my insecurities are getting in the way, yet I'm not seeing them.


What are the facts?
What I am working with how I am communicating is not making the situation better. At times I seem to get a better result when I do eventually react by yelling and becoming reactive. But that's not how I want to handel the situation.
The problems he has with me I'm not seeing others having (friends, family). I feel less pressure around my friends and family compared to around him. 
I am able to get more things done and feel more productive on my own.
Our conversations revolve around what he has a problem with coupled with his opinions. It feels negative around him.

Looking at our history, I come from a somewhat dysfunctional family where they lack the ability to deal with conflict.
He comes from a family that split due to his dad doing terrible things and going to jail, then when the step father came along forced to leave due to emotional abuse and a large shift in family dynamics.
Realistically I doubt he has tackled all his issues, and him saying my issues are to blame for our problems is probably untrue.


Is this even normal? Is it really likely I am causing such problems? Is there any way I can resolve any of these issues?


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## Pifanjr (Aug 19, 2014)

For me, this seems like you are putting a lot of effort into making this relationship work by working on yourself, while he doesn't seem to put a lot of effort into understanding you and blames you for your problems instead of improving himself.

You could ask him to try to work on your problems together and for him to accept that you have some flaws. Maybe some of them come from your insecurities, but it's weird for him to expect you to solve that on your own. At the very least he could try to help you. However, he should also understand that you do have some flaws and if he can't deal with that, that's as much his problem as yours. Because you're in this together.

He chooses to be and stay in a relationship with you, but he has to accept who you are, not just hope you'll become what he wants you to be.


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## Ksara (Feb 13, 2014)

Pifanjr said:


> For me, this seems like you are putting a lot of effort into making this relationship work by working on yourself, while he doesn't seem to put a lot of effort into understanding you and blames you for your problems instead of improving himself.
> 
> You could ask him to try to work on your problems together and for him to accept that you have some flaws. Maybe some of them come from your insecurities, but it's weird for him to expect you to solve that on your own. At the very least he could try to help you. However, he should also understand that you do have some flaws and if he can't deal with that, that's as much his problem as yours. Because you're in this together.
> 
> He chooses to be and stay in a relationship with you, but he has to accept who you are, not just hope you'll become what he wants you to be.


The working on myself aspect is what I can control. I can change how I react to conflict, I can try different approaches, I can change my timing when to engage him, I can shift my perspective. I don't necessarily expect his help as it is my baggage and ultimately it is for me to learn to deal with and grow from it.
I don't feel he is working on himself and at times feel blamed due to his insecurities not an intended sleight on my part. To point the finger means I'm playing the blame game. So I look within to see if there is some truth to what he is saying. Its always easier for another to see ones short comings.

The perspective I am trying to adopt is one for clarity. Letting him know I don't understand, asking him questions to better understand what his issue with me is. Hasn't really worked yet. Its annoying I'm pulling information from him than just understanding the hints he gives.

I haven't asked him to work on my problems together. Thankyou for that suggestion. I'll give it a go.

I have asked for acceptance, and made it clear for us to work there needs to be some understanding we are different. This falls on deaf ears. According to him we should want to change and better ourselves. Better being in context to what he sees betterment as.

I can be blunt and can miss the emotional content which I think he has misinterpreted as I don't care. I think this is the flaw he sees. My external temperament is not warm and fuzzy. Its unnatural for me to communicate with over the top emotions. I tend to go into depth and analyze things. I want acceptance and understanding for how my mind works, not pressure to change and 'just get it'.

I can't seem to see the path to resolve all this.
I'm not even sure if all options have been exhausted and perhaps we aren't compatible.


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## IncoherentBabbler (Oct 21, 2013)

> What is the difference between a dysfunctional relationship and just being caught in the power struggle stage?


Is there one? It seems to me that a power struggle would be a sign of dysfunction in any social dynamic. Expecting a power struggle to be a natural stage of any relationship suggests some self-improvement is in order. The same would be true of supervisors / managers and co-workers. The question is, what is the source of the power struggle in the first place? Are one of you over-stepping your bounds.. or even understand where the other's boundaries are?

Edit: The above comment was in reply to the OP. Your second comment covers most of what I've said already.


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## Catwalk (Aug 12, 2015)

_Get out now._ ---> Escalated physical / mental risk(s). ---> Depression / mind-slavery / power-slavery + emotional *CHOKE-HOLDS*.

Power struggle(s) = ''beating'' one / other until they unwillfully submit. Thus, are _dysfunctional._


A (balanced) relationshit is a *vibe* - in which, _naturally_, one or the other, _fall(s)_ into their role, whether noticably, or not, without ''struggle''. 

Ex; (1) --> 



> I am emotionally spent.


Run, run, like hell, toots! 

I would hate to see you back here (1-3) month(s) later with another _issue._ (e.g., flux of _repetition_) and those are _*COMMON*_ in these part(s).


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## Ksara (Feb 13, 2014)

IncoherentBabbler said:


> Is there one? It seems to me that a power struggle would be a sign of dysfunction in any social dynamic. Expecting a power struggle to be a natural stage of any relationship suggests some self-improvement is in order. The same would be true of supervisors / managers and co-workers. The question is, what is the source of the power struggle in the first place? Are one of you over-stepping your bounds.. or even understand where the other's boundaries are?
> 
> Edit: The above comment was in reply to the OP. Your second comment covers most of what I've said already.


The source?
What I can gather, miscommunication.
This a result of different perspectives. Rather than working towards understanding each presents and pushes their opinion/ideal/case/etc. onto the other.

I've seen this cycle. I have stopped contributing. I believe I allow him space to make his decisions, understand he has his own way, he doesn't have to agree. I feel he is overstepping my boundaries (e.g. Reacts quite negatively to me saying no).
My part, I don't understand his boundaries. I don't understand his indirect communication to know where I can step, and more frustratingly when they have been established the rules change.


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## Ksara (Feb 13, 2014)

Catwalk said:


> _Get out now._ ---> Escalated physical / mental risk(s). ---> Depression / mind-slavery / power-slavery + emotional *CHOKE-HOLDS*.
> 
> Power struggle(s) = ''beating'' one / other until they unwillfully submit. Thus, are _dysfunctional._
> 
> ...



Thanks. I don't intend on jumping on the merry-go-round of doom.

At this point I'm asking for any strategies that could diffuse the situation. If none then leaving is the only practical option left.


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## DAPHNE XO (Jan 16, 2012)

IncoherentBabbler said:


> Is there one? It seems to me that a power struggle would be a sign of dysfunction in any social dynamic. * Expecting a power struggle to be a natural stage of any relationship suggests some self-improvement is in order.* The same would be true of supervisors / managers and co-workers. The question is, what is the source of the power struggle in the first place? Are one of you over-stepping your bounds.. or even understand where the other's boundaries are?
> 
> Edit: The above comment was in reply to the OP. Your second comment covers most of what I've said already.


Why?

During the progression of relationships, at SOME point, there is going to be a test of dominance/submission. It's human nature. The difference between a healthy test and an unhealthy one is that in a healthy test of power, both parties treat and consider each other as equals (in terms of possessing humanity) whose boundaries ought to be respected de jure.

In an unhealthy relationship, respect for boundaries and autonomy does not exist.

How will you know who you are/where you fit in a relationship without asserting your boundaries? And same for the other.

I always expect power struggles, what I don't expect, is for it to turn into a never-ending game of insecurity and degeneracy. That's not fun.


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## Aizar (Mar 21, 2011)

Sounds way dysfunctional. I'd lose him. It'll only get worse from here.


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## hppygrl (Mar 22, 2015)

I started reading your long version in your original post to see what my take on your situation is. 

These sound like control issues and whether fully intentional and conscious or 'pre-meditated' or not, the behaviour you describe ends up talking control of your self-esteem. Not good. Not good at all. This is a different ball park from a couple with power struggles over where to spend money or how to spend the weekend. These are personal attacks on you as a person. 

Someone who is skilled at caring for and helping another does not criticize and does not cause so much confusion. Once you tell another adult in your life that they are causing you grief, stress and confusion, and their response is defensive - that is a red flag for me. 

You will need to decide if you want to spend time working on changing his beliefs about you. 

My guess is that he is taking advantage of the fact that you are a typical human with foibles like the rest of us. He is able to be critical of something that you agree you could actually improve, so you're stuck wondering if its you or him that has the problem. 

If his ways of relating to you are not consistently helpful, he is probably not to be your main support for the things you want to work on with yourself. Sometimes we are much better off having professional help for our 'stuff' and not having our partner be our 'coach'.


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## Ksara (Feb 13, 2014)

hppygrl said:


> I started reading your long version in your original post to see what my take on your situation is.
> 
> These sound like control issues and whether fully intentional and conscious or 'pre-meditated' or not, the behaviour you describe ends up talking control of your self-esteem. Not good. Not good at all. This is a different ball park from a couple with power struggles over where to spend money or how to spend the weekend. These are personal attacks on you as a person.
> 
> ...


Thanks for taking the time. It is appreciated.
So my case seems dysfunctional and not the power struggle that may occur in healthy relationships.

I feel like my thoughts have been confirmed. Control issues. I guess its no surprise I have noticed such an emotional change from before and now. I was happier and more confident, have hit a low, been emotionally up and down (which is not normal for me) and now have reach a point where I just don't care anymore.

Yes I have been stuck wondering who has the issue. Is it really an insecurity on my part interfering, or is it I'm triggering his insecurity, is this something for me to change or a quirk I have he needs to accept being with me.

Being completely honest I don't think I can change what he believes. He is quite headstrong when it comes to his values. Maybe I have reached the point where there is no more growth for this relationship.


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## strawberryLola (Sep 19, 2010)

Ksara said:


> What is the difference between a dysfunctional relationship and just being caught in the power struggle stage?
> 
> Currently in my relationship this is where I am. The power struggle stage. Yay, because feeling deflated, walking on eggshells and arguing over silly things is fun... :/
> 
> ...


Power struggle spells toxic.

True love is not about power. When you are in a relationship where you or your partner are trying to control the other, you are more fixated on your ego and not losing. That is not love. 

A relationship that adds to your life creates a sense of freedom, joy, harmony, uplift. You bring the best out in each other. It's not to say relationships do not go through ups/downs, but there has to be a sense of *R*espect.


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## myst91 (Sep 9, 2014)

Ksara said:


> What is the difference between a dysfunctional relationship and just being caught in the power struggle stage?
> 
> Currently in my relationship this is where I am. The power struggle stage. Yay, because *feeling deflated, walking on eggshells *and arguing over silly things is fun... :/
> 
> ...


I don't know if you still have this issue, however the bolded parts are the real red flags.

Just quit this relationship and figure out how to choose better next time is my advice.

And your original question about how to tell the difference, simple, what I bolded is basically what toxic means. (There is a lot more in there in your descriptions that are serious big problems but I wanted to emphasize those points because they sum up the overall effects well.)

Another factor for seeing how it's toxic and no good: simply not being at the happiest is one thing that may mean many things but in this case it overall does not lead in the direction of improvement.

When it's not a bad power struggle, it may be challenging, moving you past your comfort zone but in an exhilarating way and you both actually learn from it.


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## myst91 (Sep 9, 2014)

Ksara said:


> My part, I don't understand his boundaries. I don't understand his indirect communication to know where I can step, and more frustratingly when they have been established the rules change.


He just seems to not give as much of a shit as you do and is taking advantage of you trying to care in a fair way.

I'm not saying he's completely "evil" because maybe it adds to the problem that you two just don't fit well together, but regardless of where his boundaries may be, what is for sure is that he is not behaving in the same fair way you are and that's no good.

Hence my advice to forget whatever strategies to deal with the situation and just dump him.


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## Schizoid (Jan 31, 2015)

@Ksara:

Does this sound like your situation?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting

Not sure why, but this is the first word that popped up into my mind when I saw this thread. This part below especially, looks a lot like gaslighting to me: 



> When in conflict I believe he puts me down. He says I am boring, or uninspiring, or silly. *When I tell him I feel put down when he says those things his response is either I'm taking it out of context, or I'm bring overly sensitive.*


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## myst91 (Sep 9, 2014)

...and that would be a nasty manipulation technique. Not that it was a question whether unfair manipulativeness was going on or not (clearly, yes).


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## Ksara (Feb 13, 2014)

Schizoid said:


> @Ksara:
> 
> Does this sound like your situation?
> 
> ...


I have come across that before, it was however described a little different. Definitely not so overt as to straight out lie.

My partner does not really lie. I have never ever caught him. If any thing I find when he isn't in the best of moods his perception of events is warped and he expresses this. He took someone as expressing their opinion as some form of personal attack. I was there, I did not see this personal attack. There is history between these two so maybe something there I just didn't notice.

My partner later talking about it wasn't lying about events. I believe that's what he actually experienced.

Does he dismiss my feelings, yup.
(On a side note, I have realised what may be tripping me up, hearing myself recorded my voice does not sound serious when I say I'm frustrated. He communicates and is receptive to body language. I can see the confusion and why he doesn't listen when annoying me in fun.)


Actually since this thread I've taken the step back and really look at the situation and what I want. I guess my own trial period to stay or go. 
Things have been better, seems one in three arguments we actually talk stuff through, feelings acknowledged.
The test will come though. I have been writing a list about what I want from a relationship. What I desire and propose. If we can come to an agreement cool, if not, I at least have a better understanding of what I actually want for my next relationship.


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## myst91 (Sep 9, 2014)

Ksara said:


> I have come across that before, it was however described a little different. Definitely not so overt as to straight out lie.
> 
> My partner does not really lie. I have never ever caught him.


That's fine but even if his manipulation is not gaslighting, it still seems unhealthy as fuck.




> Does he dismiss my feelings, yup.
> (On a side note, I have realised what may be tripping me up, hearing myself recorded my voice does not sound serious when I say I'm frustrated. He communicates and is receptive to body language. I can see the confusion and why he doesn't listen when annoying me in fun.)


What does your voice sound like then?




> Actually since this thread I've taken the step back and really look at the situation and what I want. I guess my own trial period to stay or go.
> Things have been better, seems one in three arguments we actually talk stuff through, feelings acknowledged.
> The test will come though. I have been writing a list about what I want from a relationship. What I desire and propose. If we can come to an agreement cool, if not, I at least have a better understanding of what I actually want for my next relationship.


Sounds like a sensible approach


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## Ksara (Feb 13, 2014)

myst91 said:


> That's fine but even if his manipulation is not gaslighting, it still seems unhealthy as fuck.


Yeah. I'm not entirely surprised.
I think the core issue is he can't deal with disappointment, and seeks to blame others for it than deal with it. He grew up with two quite large disappointing moments in his life. His dad doing something terrible and being locked up when my partner was around age 10, then pretty much left with no option but to leave home as my partners was severely bullied by his step dad around age 17.

I don't know if he realize than when I accidentally do something that upsets him, I am not those events that have happened (yay projection -.-). It seems interpreted as my action says he isn't loved, and so takes love from me. Then coupled with his indirect communication style, half the time I just don't understand where it's all coming from.

I think that's where it is coming from. I don't think he is evil, I really don't think the intent is malicious. I think it's based on fear of rejection. The reassurance he is looking for I don't think I express in a way he reads.

I'm not excusing his behavior. This I just where I see it coming from.
Do I expect change, no. Can I truly accept it, the good and the bad, I don't know (hence the trial period). Can I put this in perspective, yeah. At the end of the day I need someone who I can work with as a team, cause essentially the point is to build a great project called life or family.



> What does your voice sound like then?


I'm not sure how to describe it haha.
Sweet, innocent, at least 5 years younger than my age. Not a tone of authority, even though I'm being serious.



> Sounds like a sensible approach


Well I don't want to make a rash decision when I'm upset. That's not the time.
I also need to keep my head on and not forget when things are good I am evaluating our relationship.

In the mean time it can't hurt to look at where I may be messing up my communication.


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## Ksara (Feb 13, 2014)

myst91 said:


> When it's not a bad power struggle, it may be challenging, moving you past your comfort zone but in an exhilarating way and you both actually learn from it.


Thank you for this part.
Realistically I don't have a good idea of what a good relationship looks like.


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