# NT: Death in the family



## LeafStew (Oct 17, 2009)

Last year two of my grandparents passed away and I've realized I wasn't moved all that much by it. I've talk a bit about it with my brothers and I think 2 out of 3 are also NT and they said the same thing.

Maybe it's because people with strong N tend to think ahead and move on faster from such situation instead of focusing on memories. Maybe it's also because a strong T makes you rationalized stuff instead of getting carried away. Maybe it's just not personality related and I wasn't really sad because it's "normal" for older people to die. At least you expect it more than say from an healthy person in their 20s-to-70s.

What do you think about this?


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## Nearsification (Jan 3, 2010)

My grandma died but I expected it soon so i was not very moved. I had a mentally retarded step brother that died I was upset and more pissed then sad.


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## wealldie (Jan 24, 2010)

I was only affected by my grandfather's death because I was very young, and I was there when he died. But, ever since, I have been pretty neutral about deaths in general. I just accept that people are dying, and do. I think maybe there is an NT element of quicker acceptance.


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## MNiS (Jan 30, 2010)

The last time I've had a death in the family was when I was too young to really have much of a conception of death. Personally, I would think a sudden loss of a loved one would affect me more than if I had a chance to say my goodbyes before the passing.


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## Monte (Feb 17, 2010)

Thank you! People always get so pissy with me when I say that THEY'RE FUCKING OLD, they're going to die! Once you reach a certain age, it's pretty much just a waiting game. But if I say this, I'm such a cynic. 

Buuut I'm the same, I move the fuck on because crying about it really isn't going to change anything.

The most _moving_ death for me was actually Steve Irwin. I grew up watching the guy, love that he wanted to educate the public about crocs and what not, loved his fearlessness, and loved that accent. I do find solace in the fact that he died doing what he loved.


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## Malkovich (Feb 18, 2010)

I never knew someone who died. It scares me a bit that I'm completely unprepared and have no idea how I'd react.
It's like I'm more interested in finding out what my reaction will be. I don't feel I would be upset a lot... thinking now, I have a feeling I'd only be really destroyed if my sister or my best friend died.


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## Nearsification (Jan 3, 2010)

Yea I usually expect when people will die.


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## Aku (Oct 21, 2009)

My grandmother died recently. I lived with her ever since I was born, and over the past six months watched her decline rapidly (she died of cancer). The process disturbed me much more than the event... the psychological burden was horrible. I would come home seeing her worse than the day before, and sometimes when I entered her room to say hello, I truly thought she was dead. The emotional states of everyone around me was also upsetting, too. 

Her death in itself didn't affect me much, as it was inevitable. What disturbed me the most was the fact I felt _nothing_. I felt very detached from the situation, and still am; part of me still "expects" her to be alive. I'll pass by her room and imagine that she's still in there, yet I'm simultaneously aware of the fact she's gone. It doesn't upset me in the least: I simply accept it as a fact. 

I've experienced four deaths in my life so far, and I've responded to each in a similar way. I was shocked about one because it was very sudden--but I quickly got over it. I don't think I'd be able to cope if any of my immediate family members died, though. I couldn't imagine life without them. I think a huge part of NT's coping with death is considering possibilities and how the death affects other situations (present, past and future). For me, I'm saddened when I imagine what people must be going through when Person X dies, but not when I acknowledge their death. Imagining a life without them actualizes the situation, because otherwise, their passing is just a singular event in an impartial timeline. I can't remember the dates of peoples' deaths, because it doesn't matter to me, but I do remember details that are significant to me/draw a parallel with some aspect of their life. Sometimes, I'll see my grandma's favorite cereal, and that affects me more than what happened at her funeral. Perhaps it's because that part of her "lives on" by association, and ties in her death to a grand "whole". That might be an INTP thing, though. We're pretty sentimental.


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## dude10000 (Jan 24, 2010)

> What do you think about this?


It depends how well I knew the person. Celebrities, I don't care. I didn't even feel anything during the 9-11 attacks -- I didn't know those people! Same deal with natural disasters. Just a bunch of strangers.

If a friend dies, I'd feel pretty bad, reflect about their life, and move on without forgetting. Family members are very important to me-- the death of a few would make me cry. Those that didn't, I'd still feel the loss. If it was a future spouse, it would be like a nuclear bomb going off. Probably weeks, if ever, to get over something like that.

Bottom line is that I don't care about too many people. But those I do care about, I'm with to the literal end.


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## TransparentMe (Feb 26, 2010)

Aku said:


> My grandmother died recently. I lived with her ever since I was born, and over the past six months watched her decline rapidly (she died of cancer). The process disturbed me much more than the event... the psychological burden was horrible. I would come home seeing her worse than the day before, and sometimes when I entered her room to say hello, I truly thought she was dead. The emotional states of everyone around me was also upsetting, too.
> 
> Her death in itself didn't affect me much, as it was inevitable. What disturbed me the most was the fact I felt _nothing_. I felt very detached from the situation, and still am; part of me still "expects" her to be alive. I'll pass by her room and imagine that she's still in there, yet I'm simultaneously aware of the fact she's gone. It doesn't upset me in the least: I simply accept it as a fact.
> 
> I've experienced four deaths in my life so far, and I've responded to each in a similar way. I was shocked about one because it was very sudden--but I quickly got over it. I don't think I'd be able to cope if any of my immediate family members died, though. I couldn't imagine life without them. I think a huge part of NT's coping with death is considering possibilities and how the death affects other situations (present, past and future). For me, I'm saddened when I imagine what people must be going through when Person X dies, but not when I acknowledge their death. Imagining a life without them actualizes the situation, because otherwise, their passing is just a singular event in an impartial timeline. I can't remember the dates of peoples' deaths, because it doesn't matter to me, but I do remember details that are significant to me/draw a parallel with some aspect of their life. Sometimes, I'll see my grandma's favorite cereal, and that affects me more than what happened at her funeral. Perhaps it's because that part of her "lives on" by association, and ties in her death to a grand "whole". That might be an INTP thing, though. We're pretty sentimental.


 
If I hear you correctly, you aren't feeling precisely NO response. You're sad. You miss these folks. You're just not tearing your clothes and wailing at the moon.

I'm always suspect of people who DO wail/tear when they didn't really have a daily interaction with the deceased. Sometimes those reactions are for other people's benefit? A look at me and "Look how broken up I am over this" kind of thing?

But even whent the relationship is close, wailing isn't necessarily healthy. I've known women who still visit their 20-years-dead husbands grave daily in order to "tell him everything." Not healthy, if you ask me. Never moved on with life and much less healthy than being practical and saying, "I expect ALL people to pass away. I will be as sad as I am, and then I will move on."

Myself, I find I'm always fighting tears feeling sorry for those whose lives will be really changed by the death (wife, kids, etc.) rather than for the dead person or myself. Whatever that means.


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## Kevinaswell (May 6, 2009)

Mestarious said:


> Last year two of my grandparents passed away and I've realized I wasn't moved all that much by it. I've talk a bit about it with my brothers and I think 2 out of 3 are also NT and they said the same thing.
> 
> Maybe it's because people with strong N tend to think ahead and move on faster from such situation instead of focusing on memories. Maybe it's also because a strong T makes you rationalized stuff instead of getting carried away. Maybe it's just not personality related and I wasn't really sad because it's "normal" for older people to die. At least you expect it more than say from an healthy person in their 20s-to-70s.
> 
> What do you think about this?



Oh man, I dread when people die. Not because it's sad, but because I have to deal with everyone ELSE being super sad and me feeling like such a jackass for being so incredibly indifferent.

This one time, my grandpa got nut cancer. And my mum was bawling and shit. And like hugging me. But I could do nothing but smile and suppress giggles because seriously he got _ball cancer_. I mean I felt bad, and like. That sucks for sure. But I mean...._ball cancer._ His balls were sick. Hahahahahahahaha.

Also, I've never experienced someone I'm GENUINELY close with die. Such as a mom, a sibling, or a close friend. I believe THOSE deaths would fucking wreck me like no other. But if it's someone I'm not too attached to (like a grandparent, or a friends parent even)....there just isn't much I can do


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## EX1127 (Jan 15, 2010)

The most recent experience I had with this was 2 years ago when 2 deaths happened in the same week. The first was a guy in my graduating class who died on his way to school. It was traumatizing almost that I knew someone my aged that died and I was unable to function. My great grandfather died a couple of days after I got the message after just running a 15k race and it barely shook me only when we put him in the ground and people were crying around me I had to mimic others emotions so that I at least looked sad. I think the age is definitely a factor in how sad I feel for deaths. I miss my great grandfather every now and then when I realize I can't see him but I'm over it soon. Though I think it partly deals with closeness to I barely saw my great grandfather while on the other hand the kid that died was basically in every class I was.


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## The Psychonaut (Oct 29, 2009)

my mother unexpectedly shot herself...that fucked me up pretty bad...

i think if u kno its coming u can prepare yourself


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## Mysteryman (Apr 21, 2012)

Death has followed me quite a bit over the years. I was 8 when I lost both my grandparents in a 2 month span. Just after that, my whole family started falling apart. My family started fighting each other, threatening each other with death. I nearly lost my mother because of my father snapping in a craze and was holding a shotgun to my mother and uncle. He was arrested and served 4 months in jail. This was about his 6th arrest. I was essentially exiled from my family. They tossed me aside and never cared what happened. So, I lost 99% of my family all at once. My father continued his "Reign of Terror" for the next couple years. I trained myself in combat for years, in case I had to stop my father. Almost had a repeat of it just 3 years ago. It caused me to not sleep or go to school for 3 days. I spent my birthday that year being security to my own house. As years went by, I'd here relatives dying but I would feel nothing. No emotion about it one way or the other. Then, I almost died in July 2012 from type 1 diabetes after not being able to swallow food for a couple days, lost 42 pounds. Doctor's told me I should've been dead, but I miraculously lived. Now, my mom may have skin cancer. The grim reaper has never been too far away from me.


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## DiamondDays (Sep 4, 2012)

When my grandma died, at the lunch after her funeral i met a cousin of mine that i hadn't met for a long time ( and actually haven't met since, which is a damn shame ).. Well we had a blast! I suspect none of us really liked the old miserable hag ( sorry grandma but you were ) and we have a lot in common, we talked about music and rock festivals and her job which was rock festival related. Really one of the better conversations i can remember. The rest of the family did not approve at all! We got the evil eye for being cheerful all evening, except from my mother who i suspect was as relieved grandma had died as us. 

Grandpa dying was a bit more emotional because he was a swell old man, and i regret i didn't spend more time with him. I use his cuff-links, they have a lot of sentimental value to me. I didn't feel very sad at the funeral, but when mom started crying i did too, because i sympathize with her loosing her dad. He was a truly good man.

Anyway, i think it's about the relationship you had to the dead person. I can't imagine that if you had one of those very close relationships to your grandparents, where they are almost like extra parents, that you wouldn't be affected. Like my mom became a grandmother at 47, i think my nephews and nieces are going to have a way closer bond to her than i ever had to my grandparents because she's been there so much.


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## Sinistra Manus (Jul 10, 2012)

I haven't been phased by death at all. I occasionally force my eyes to water in the company of others so that they don't spark confrontation.


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## Meowww (Feb 24, 2013)

TransparentMe said:


> If I hear you correctly, you aren't feeling precisely NO response. You're sad. You miss these folks. You're just not tearing your clothes and wailing at the moon.
> 
> I'm always suspect of people who DO wail/tear when they didn't really have a daily interaction with the deceased. Sometimes those reactions are for other people's benefit? A look at me and "Look how broken up I am over this" kind of thing?
> 
> But even whent the relationship is close, wailing isn't necessarily healthy. I've known women who still visit their 20-years-dead husbands grave daily in order to "tell him everything." Not healthy, if you ask me. Never moved on with life and much less healthy than being practical and saying, "I expect ALL people to pass away. I will be as sad as I am, and then I will move on."


I agree with this completely. It's okay to be upset, it's a human thing, but when people can't get over it it is so unhealthy because not only is the dead person gone, the person who has lost them has lost quality of life. My mother lost her mother when she was a young adult, and is still very upset about it to this day.It can't be healthy. When people have limited other support though, it is probably a lot worse.




Kevinaswell said:


> Oh man, I dread when people die. Not because it's sad, but because I have to deal with everyone ELSE being super sad and me feeling like such a jackass for being so incredibly indifferent.


I agree, this is one of the worst parts of it... I dislike funerals for this reason; I can't stand the excessive emotion and sadness. It's uneasy and awkward and uncomfortable too!

-----

I remember when my Grandpa died. Me and my father were happy, although we kept that quiet from the rest of the family. He had had dementia really badly, was constantly trying to run away from the hospital. He was clearly unhappy, and we knew that if 10 years earlier somebody had told him he'd end up in that state, he probably would have asked to be shot. It was so degrading for him, given the type of person he previously was. It was a real relief to see him put to rest; as far as I was concerned he was pretty much gone 3 years earlier.

Sadly my father died a bit under a year ago. That was a lot tougher, as I'm only in my early 20's, and losing my father so young is tough.

I deal with it very differently to my INFJ sister and ISFP mother. They view me as a bit cold. I am upset about it every now and again (and after he died, I was upset a lot for a couple of weeks), but I try to be as rationale as I can, and I don't feel comfortable being upset in front of them as they then kinda continue the upsetness (and are the type of people to just want to cuddle each other when sad, etc), whereas I'd prefer to reason rationally about it to deal with it and to talk without all the silly feeler-like rubbish that makes me awkward and uneasy and uncomfortable. I think the only person who has seen me cry about it (and a lot) is another ENTP (who is a lot older and wiser than me). My father died of a very nasty terminal illness, which he was battling for 4 years (which was impressive given that doctors said he would never live more than 2 years after diagnosis, and even 1 year would be a lot. So he made it to see both me and my sister graduating from university, which was outside of his life expectancy. Mine at 2.5 years, and hers at 3.5 years after diagnosis).

My father was an INTP. Probably why he viewed the death of his own father the way he did (the Grandpa was on my fathers side). The toughest thing about my father's death is that I find my sister and mother tough to relate to, but my father understood me well. So I'm kinda left without the family member I could relate to the best.


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