# How should I respond to this? if someone tries to belittle you?



## etre (May 21, 2012)

There's this girl, who I don't like to spend that much time with because of this.. But when I do, it always leaves me with a sour taste in my mouth. She doesn't belittle or say anything directly about me, but she does it indirectly like this:

1) I was in a sorority in college - and it was one where you actually had to have a 3.7 gpa or better to get in. I was the Chair for community service, which is how I ended up working with abused women/shelter for women after college, before going to grad school. I know there are a lot of stereotypes about sororities, and I did my share of partying, although I was the more homebody one in my house. I would never regret or go back and change this experience, despite the negative stereotype about partying, because it's what allowed me to get more comfortable in social events and being around a lot of people.

Although she never mentioned this before, after she found out I was in a sorority, she started talking about family friends or people she knows who are in sororities. She brings up these other people who are in sororities and she berates these people for partying, and "people who only go to college to join a sorority to party". She talks about how sorority girls are sluts, and brings up examples of people she knows (in sororities) that does sexual things she doesn't approve of.She talks about other specific examples of things other people have done while drunk/in a sorority, such as just partying/going on academic probation (graduating with a <2.5 gpa, etc).I haven't done any of these things, nor do I know how to respond to this. First time it happened, I pointed out that I've been in a sorority and I can vouch that it's not "all about partying" or just because someone is in a sorority, it doesn't mean they JUST went to college to party. She keeps bringing it up (after the fact she found out about my sorority involvement), and berates, puts down these other people. I feel like she is trying to make a point to put me down indirectly in front of other people. I didn't feel this way the first 6 months, but after 6 months of her constantly berating other people who were in sororities, why do I get the feeling she is trying to make some kind of point?

2) She says she would never do the same graduate program I did, in the same field of me. She says apparently people in my department do a lot of unethical and morally bad things. She says the culture of this department is one that she doesn't approve of. The thing is, she doesn't know anyone in my specific department/university, but she just says that the general stereotype of people in this field is unethical, bad, etc, so she would never go there. She never talked about this before, until she found out what graduate degree I'm doing. And ever since then, she always talks about other people in this field she knows, and constantly berates them for making a stupid, unethical choice of going into this field. Again, I disregarded all this for a long time, but now I get the feeling she is saying all this purposely to hurt me.

I don't want to confront her. In fact, I avoid her minus absolutely necessary interactions, and when we do interact, I still remain polite to her. MOST of our conversations somehow end up being around one of the two topics. However, I don't know how I could (non confrontationally) respond to her when she says things like this? What would you say if you were in my situation? Also, am I crazy (you can say that I am) and just being too sensitive, or is this girl doing something that any reasonable person might think is insulting? belittling?


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## etre (May 21, 2012)

also, if there is another way to look at the situation that I might be missing, please feel free to point it out. I honestly can't think of any other reason why someone would say something like this except to somehow belittle/berate me indirectly like this. 
It's very hurtful.


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## stephiphi (Mar 30, 2012)

Bring it up as close to the offending statement/s as possible and as many times as you need to. Bringing it up later when it's been festering and building up won't be as effective because you'll be too emotional and it'll be out of context.

I understand that it's difficult, but try your best to be as direct and unemotional as you can. A little feeling is okay if she's the sympathetic/empathetic type. For example, you could say, "I understand that you have had bad experiences and hold low opinions about (subject matter), but I would appreciate it if you would refrain from talking about these things to me. It makes me feel belittled when you say (such-and-such)."

If she acts surprised and like she didn't mean it at all, try to take it as genuine. Seriously, some people are really oblivious. (I am rather guilty of this.)

Finally, *it's okay to feel what you're feeling* - you will perceive what she says how you will. It doesn't appear to me that you are being oversensitive, so accept that your feelings are valid and deserving of attention. Telling yourself that it's dumb to feel the way you do and trying to stuff it away is ultimately going to backfire. (Again, guilty as charged.)


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## Playful Proxy (Feb 6, 2012)

Just say the following: 
"If sororities were as unethical as you claim them to be, I would have had no problem stabbing you with this <sharp object you have on hand or close by> a few seconds ago due to your narrow-minded, ignorant viewpoint. "


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## WolfStar (Aug 18, 2009)

You say, "Cool story bro." Then, upon seeing that they have absolutely no power to influence you, they will become frustrated and upset that you are not giving them the reaction they want. Ahhhh those situations are always just so _delicious_.


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## Coburn (Sep 3, 2010)

If you plan to spend time around her, you need to lay down conversational boundaries.

This is going to drive your relationship into a corner if it continues. You need to approach her in a non-confrontational manner and let her know that what she's said has hurt your feelings. Lay out boundaries and tell her these conversation subjects are off limits when you're together. Be nice, but be firm. As it is right now, she is trampling (unknowingly or knowingly) on your feelings, and it needs to stop. 

If she persists in doing it after you've told her, remind her of the boundaries and refuse to continue the conversation. If she continues even after a reminder, leave. Enough times will get the picture across. She'll either learn to adapt or drop the friendship.


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## etre (May 21, 2012)

Thanks for the posts... I will respond in detail tomorrow (right about to sleep!) to all,

lol @WolfStar, why are situations like this delicious? I have done that for a long time - politely listen, nod my head, say "ah". The more I think about it, the more she is purposely saying these things to somehow prod and see some kind of reaction from me. either that, or she just hates me and wants to somehow make me feel lesser than myself.... 

quick question before I go off to bed @WolfStar, is there any way I could somehow push her buttons back? in a way that doesn't involve me really talking much or being too mean. I like your_ stay-cool_ approach, but I also feel like she's projecting her issues onto me, etc, and I don't like the idea of her coming to me, dumping her projecting/psychological problems, and going away happy. If anything, I want her to go away exactly like me (feeling frustrated, etc). What could I say to her? like "cool story bro. why are you so judgmental and bitter?" something like that, but not like that...


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## Subtle Murder (May 19, 2012)

Just curious: is this the same person from your other posts?


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## bigtex1989 (Feb 7, 2011)

Whenever she talks to you, just pull as many non sequiters as it takes.

Girl: "Sororities are super slutty"
You: "Hamburgers ARE good!"

Girl: "Your department is full of devils"
You: "Popcorn at the movies is too salty!"

Girl: "Everything about your being is disgusting"
You: "How is a raven like a writing desk?"

Girl: "I'm judgmental and blah blah blah"
You: "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I used to do this to people I didn't want to talk to, and they stopped talking to me after a short time. Make sure you walk away right afterwards.


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## Cetanu (Jan 20, 2012)

It's easy... you just stop talking / listening to them. Done.


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## Bear987 (May 13, 2012)

Maybe reacting to her in a way she doesn't expect will end this vicious circle you two seem to be in. Next time when she brings up the subjects you mentioned, tell her that she is right. Just give in to everything she claims to be wrong about sonorities and your field of study. For some reason I get the feeling she just wants to be heard and I figure there's some jealousy involved as well.


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## WolfStar (Aug 18, 2009)

etre said:


> Thanks for the posts... I will respond in detail tomorrow (right about to sleep!) to all,
> 
> lol @_WolfStar_, why are situations like this delicious? I have done that for a long time - politely listen, nod my head, say "ah". The more I think about it, the more she is purposely saying these things to somehow prod and see some kind of reaction from me. either that, or she just hates me and wants to somehow make me feel lesser than myself....
> 
> quick question before I go off to bed @_WolfStar_, is there any way I could somehow push her buttons back? in a way that doesn't involve me really talking much or being too mean. I like your_ stay-cool_ approach, but I also feel like she's projecting her issues onto me, etc, and I don't like the idea of her coming to me, dumping her projecting/psychological problems, and going away happy. If anything, I want her to go away exactly like me (feeling frustrated, etc). What could I say to her? like "cool story bro. why are you so judgmental and bitter?" something like that, but not like that...


Because those people try to mess with you, but are themselves so very easy to mess with. The irony of the situation and the ease with which you can play with them is just too fun. 

And yeah, you just start acting ridiculous. Don't take her seriously. She's trying to be aggressive and if it doesn't affect you at all and you treat her as if she's a child she'll blow up. She wants to be heard be taken as if she's important, so if you don't, she'll get frustrated. xD


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## WickedQueen (Jun 1, 2009)

etre said:


> I don't want to confront her. In fact, I avoid her minus absolutely necessary interactions, and when we do interact, I still remain polite to her. MOST of our conversations somehow end up being around one of the two topics. However, I don't know how I could (non confrontationally) respond to her when she says things like this? What would you say if you were in my situation? Also, am I crazy (you can say that I am) and just being too sensitive, or is this girl doing something that any reasonable person might think is insulting? belittling?


Tell her a made up story (or stories) about someone bitchy about sorority students or your department, and express your feelings about that person.

Example:
"My sorority friend told me about her cousin who accuse her as slut who likes to partying just because she went to the sorority. Her cousin even told the other cousins about my friend and call her 'slut' behind her back. But the other cousins have told my friend that the cousin is actually jealous of her. I've met her cousin before. She's a narrow-minded and ignorant bitch. I kind of feel sorry about her. She must've felt so pathetic about herself to the point that she feel jealous of my friend and accuse her those mean things just because my friend went to the sorority. People can be so blatantly pathetic and narrow-minded when they are jealous, don't you think? They will do and say stupid things to projecting their insecurities. I wonder why she thinks nobody could see that. It is so obvious."

Keep repeating the similar stories and she'll get your message.


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