# Age difference: a maturity match or a power-play role?



## marybluesky (Apr 23, 2012)

The power games plays a huge role here.
The more experienced party has more power- and while being older often means having more experience, I guess the same power roles are present in couples with huge experience gap. 
Personally I have a hard time trusting someone who is whether older or significantly more experienced than me. They often use their assets to manipulate their dates to go through their own preferred relationship path and adapt their own preferred attitudes.


----------



## Eren Jaegerbomb (Nov 13, 2015)

I'd like to say maturity.
Power and love should not go together. Its called being a controlling asshole, or something else of the sort.


----------



## baitedcrow (Dec 22, 2015)

People who preferentially date much younger, esp. where "younger" means younger than around 25, are often insecure on some level/have some issues and are looking to keep the upper hand in the interaction, ime. I've always observed that, even as a Pretty Young Thing, but I still tried once or twice for posterity/open-mindedness and had my assumptions confirmed. (I've also spent a lot of my 20s looking young for my age and the number of men old enough to be my father that would perv on me hard when they thought I was a teen but back off when they realized I was grown has made me skeptical of the idea that it's only youthful looks gap-seekers are chasing.)

By the same token I'm sure some young people are drawn to being lead. (There's something risky about trusting another person's greater experience and judgment, though. It requires you to tacitly acknowledge that you may not have experience enough yourself to accurately evaluate the other person's level of experience at all, in which case who knows where they're taking you when they take the lead. )

But power plays aren't mutually exclusive with the "maturity match" thing being true, either: a person can be emotionally immature and attracted mainly to young people (and to power plays) in part because of that and still keep the upper hand through experience and the kind of adult judgment full cognitive development helps with. 

Even in cases where it's purely a maturity match, I admit to cautioning the younger party if they're college aged. An older person that seems super "on [a 20 yr old's] level" is likely to be on that level as much because they've fallen behind the pack in some way as because the 20 year old is freakishly worldly, sophisticated and mature. Which means, if the younger person's growth speed is more par for the course let alone advanced, they'll end up surpassing and leaving the older party behind sooner than later. (Also what happened in my case. )

That's not to say that age gaps can't coexist with perfectly normative and healthy power dynamics and reasonably well-matched maturity levels that don't represent maladjustment on either side of the equation, but typically when they do the age thing was more a coincidence. Neither person was gunning for someone much younger or older.


----------



## ninjahitsawall (Feb 1, 2013)

I would prefer to resort to biology for questions like this, but maybe that's a cop-out. 

I've heard that on average, more gross-level brain development completes around age 24. Though I've also heard that it's more like 22 for women and up to 30 for men. So maybe those averages are reflected in average age differences in relationships.

Here's an even more extreme estimate (as far as emotional maturity) that's older for both, although not really biologically-based, and then 21 vs 25 y/o for the biological: 
Men Mature After Women â€” 11 Years After, To Be Exact â€” A British Study Reveals

Funny enough, 11 years seems like a common age gap in marriages IME, at least in the prior two generations before millennials (don't know enough of the latter who've been stably married to say either way). 

At the same time, I can see how age difference could be a "power-play", especially when it's, say, someone like Donald Trump and someone like Melania Trump. Or at least, if not a power play, there is more of a stereotypical dynamic going on, where being older, the man has had more time to establish a career, and therefore have more of the provider role in the relationship. Whereas the woman being younger is more financially dependent, less career-driven etc.


----------



## baitedcrow (Dec 22, 2015)

ninjahitsawall said:


> I would prefer to resort to biology for questions like this, but maybe that's a cop-out.
> 
> I've heard that on average, more gross-level brain development completes around age 24. Though I've also heard that it's more like 22 for women and up to 30 for men. So maybe those averages are reflected in average age differences in relationships.
> 
> ...


I'm not going to link easily Googleable sources just now but the most commonly accepted theory atm is that brain development completes around 22-25 and tends to happen a few years earlier for women.* That data aligns well with average age gaps in long term relationships in most of the contemporary developed world, which usually have a male that is older but only by 1.5-3 years. It would be interesting to compare average age gaps in relationships with Gender Inequality Index data for various countries, too, truthfully. Maybe I'll make a personal project of it at some point.

* I've had an interest in this topic based on its applications in juvenile justice law, which I think are under-discussed.


----------



## ninjahitsawall (Feb 1, 2013)

baitedcrow said:


> I'm not going to link easily Googleable sources just now but the most commonly accepted theory atm is that brain development completes around 22-25 and tends to happen a few years earlier for women.* That data aligns well with average age gaps in long term relationships in most of the contemporary developed world, which usually have a male that is older but only by 1.5-3 years. It would be interesting to compare average age gaps in relationships with Gender Inequality Index data for various countries, too, truthfully. Maybe I'll make a personal project of it at some point.
> 
> * I've had an interest in this topic based on its applications in juvenile justice law, which I think are under-discussed.


yeah, I didn't mention this before, but for some reason 11 years gap in particular seems to be most common after smaller gaps of 1-3 or so years. (I can think of 3 off the top of my head, including relatives, with an 11-year gap, but none with say 10 or 12). 

Although for the age gap to make sense within a marriage, in terms of brain development, the spouses would've had to have met at a time when there was still a maturity gap as well. So, let's say by 22 for the wife and 25 for the husband, in this case.

For example, my parents first met at 25 and 27 (mother and father, respectively), so brain development might not be relevant there, unless they both happened to be "late bloomers" at almost exactly the same rate (3 years late for my mom and 2 for my dad).


----------



## Red Panda (Aug 18, 2010)

I've only met one person who was into much younger women for actual relations, he got married to someone 11 years younger than him. He was very vocal about liking younger women, he would even negatively react to women even a year older than him. That was weird as hell tbh, he flirted with me quite a lot, I'm 12 years younger than him and at the time didn't think too much of it but I eventually concluded it was something I disliked. I think for him it was sexual, so perhaps some kind of power-play, he told me "he likes to take care of the young ones". I can't judge his maturity level cause I didn't know him well enough, he was a responsible person in his work generally, but I don't know in his personal life and within relationships, but I suspect he wasn't very mature up until 30 given certain things he told me (i.e. he married and divorced like one week later).

One of my classmates from university is also in a relationship with a much older guy, definitely 10 years maybe a bit more. From what I hear he controls her very much.


----------



## baitedcrow (Dec 22, 2015)

ninjahitsawall said:


> yeah, I didn't mention this before, but for some reason 11 years gap in particular seems to be most common after smaller gaps of 1-3 or so years. (I can think of 3 off the top of my head, including relatives, with an 11-year gap, but none with say 10 or 12).
> 
> Although for the age gap to make sense within a marriage, in terms of brain development, the spouses would've had to have met at a time when there was still a maturity gap as well. So, let's say by 22 for the wife and 25 for the husband, in this case.
> 
> For example, my parents first met at 25 and 27 (mother and father, respectively), so brain development might not be relevant there, unless they both happened to be "late bloomers" at almost exactly the same rate (3 years late for my mom and 2 for my dad).


For it to be relevant purely on its own, that would have to be the case, but I think it's also possible that mature vs. late-stage adolescent individuals will absorb and contextualize life experience differently, so the overall "maturity" gap might still be maintained for a while after the fact, fading with time, based on amount of lived experience while in possession of a more fully adult brain. Just a thought, though.


----------



## ninjahitsawall (Feb 1, 2013)

baitedcrow said:


> For it to be relevant purely on its own, that would have to be the case, but I think it's also possible that mature vs. late-stage adolescent individuals will absorb and contextualize life experience differently, so the overall "maturity" gap might still be maintained for a while after the fact, fading with time, based on amount of lived experience while in possession of a more fully adult brain. Just a thought, though.


Yeah, I was considering that as well. Then there's also the case of remarriages where there's still an age gap, sometimes a pretty wide one. I wonder though if there's any tendency with remarriages (or just marrying older) towards being closer in age.


----------



## Catwalk (Aug 12, 2015)

___


----------



## Catwalk (Aug 12, 2015)

Tropes said:


> Do people seek someone more/less mature in age to match their own maturity, or do they seek to reinforce the sub/dom relationship role they desire for themselves in a relationship through age gaps that tend to bring along the desired power gap?


It seems, most "power-struggles," and/or emphasis on power-dynamics occur within the '(mid-20's) range. Never "younger," nor "older". Reason being: hyper-femininity/hyper-masculinity via hormonal / sociobiological + ritualized-cultural ape-thinking.


Maturity levels vary among humanoid(s). [Female-specimens] will be following the 'male-pattern' in reversal.

_Add-on ex_:

The [fresh mid-something something female-college graduate surging progesterone + estrogen level(s) (3) ex-boyfriends for 4 years in & tired of it, being met with the high-functioning testosterone heavy stressed-out male graduated 1 somewhat girlfriend + one masturbation addiction clean & fed up], she want(s) it _her way or the highway _- he wants _his cake; (&) to eat it_, too.

Rather than "maturity," - I prefer old/young _mentalities_ as more useful distinctions. Both specimen(s) may be _immature_ [power-hungry] primates fighting for dominance over the other. Sperm is most potent - ovaries at their ripest. _Mental illness in abundance_. The job market in the dump(s). Selfishness (&) independence coursing through their veins. The male desires to mount her to display his [years worth of _still-kinda-working-on-it-but-sufficient-enough_ "perfected" male-masculinity as he irons out his tie under his palm] - the female want(s) him pressed under her dominant thumb for eternity, she is not having it, he will submit to her feminine expectations + desires. She fluff(s) out her progesterone filled breasts (&) shoo's him away. _Someone _must submit - the male primate puffs oozing' testosterone out of his oily sweat gland(s); he will win this. She will have me. No,_ no indeed_, he can only have [her] if it is _her way_; and he will only show if he gets to _slice his own cake_.


----------



## Mr. Anderson (Nov 19, 2017)

Lemmy said:


> Power and love should not go together. Its called being a controlling asshole, or something else of the sort.


The power differential exists whether you use it or not. But keep in mind that being young and good looking is ALSO a form of power. It's always a little interesting to see in a relationship between a wealthy older man and an attractive younger woman how different people perceive it. To some the man is a lecher and to others the woman is a golddigger. Or maybe they both just know what they signed up for?


----------



## Stevester (Feb 28, 2016)

Unpopular opinion, but yes, I do believe that all couples with a very significant age gap are the product of a woman seeking a father figure she never had and a man feeling inadequate dealing with mature women and prefers them more naive. The whole _''I prefer mature men with a strong direction in life''_ and _''I prefer youthful women who have lots of energy''_ respectively, are nice little smokescreens for both parties to deny their issues.


----------



## lifeisanillusion (Feb 21, 2011)

I think money can play a part in it too. I am sure all of these old wealthy guys dating young attractive females are together because the love each other (sarcasm). The man gets to be seen with a trophy hot wife, probably getting some sex as well. And the wife gets to spend his money. And may be she has daddy issues as well. I think it depends a lot on the situation.


----------



## Mr. Anderson (Nov 19, 2017)

Stevester said:


> Unpopular opinion, but yes, I do believe that all couples with a very significant age gap are the product of a woman seeking a father figure she never had and a man feeling inadequate dealing with mature women and prefers them more naive. The whole _''I prefer mature men with a strong direction in life''_ and _''I prefer youthful women who have lots of energy''_ respectively, are nice little smokescreens for both parties to deny their issues.


Yeah, that and the fact that younger women are just way more attractive. Good luck finding a woman over the age of 30 in the US who isn't at least 20lbs overweight.


----------



## Librarylady (Mar 11, 2017)

.


----------



## islandlight (Aug 13, 2013)

I am a LOT older than my boyfriend. I never set out to have a younger boyfriend, and in fact I resisted the attraction/affection I felt for him for a long time before I decided age was irrelevant.

I know two other couples where the woman is much older (20+ years). It isn’t a case of the older person having more money or power or any other obvious advantage, or of the younger person using their looks or sex appeal as currency. All three couples (us and the other two) are quite ordinary, except for possibly getting along better than many couples.

I read that when the woman is much older, the power thing actually is less of an issue than it is in typical couples. I’ve found this to be true. For example, if my boyfriend or I say “Please do it this way,” the other won’t think the person is being a bitch/pig. We’re more likely to think “I guess s/he needs it to be this way” or “I know s/he has more expertise in this matter than I do.” (For example, I’m a more practical planner, while my bf knows more about technical stuff.)

I think much of the reaction against big age differences is because we just aren’t used to it. I remember when people would say things about interracial couples (e.g., “She must have low self-esteem” or “He’s a traitor to his race”). Now people are more used to the idea and are less likely to read such things into the situation. 

My boyfriend once commented that “after the mid-20s, anyone is fair game,” and I tend to agree with him. If I were involved with an 18-year-old, that would probably be pretty messed up, but a man in his 30s is as much an adult as I am. And even the mid-20s guideline doesn’t necessarily apply. One of the couples I mentioned above, the man was in his early 20s and the woman was in her early 40s when they met. They’ve been together for 15 years and are happily married and have seen each other through many problems (family illness, etc.). 

We are all unequal in various ways. Just because someone has “more” of something (whether it’s looks, money, status, or something else) doesn’t necessarily mean that their partner is using them for that reason.


----------



## leictreon (Jan 4, 2016)

All I can say is... I find it creepy.


----------



## jamaix (Sep 20, 2013)

Tropes said:


> Do people seek someone more/less mature in age to match their own maturity, or do they seek to reinforce the sub/dom relationship role they desire for themselves in a relationship through age gaps that tend to bring along the desired power gap?


I noticed this thread sometime back but didn't comment. I've thought about relationship age differences quite a bit and why they occur. I have several in my family with age gaps of 9 or more years. All are married and in each it is the woman who is younger.

My husband and I are only about 1 year apart in age, but his parents had an age difference of almost 17 years. It seemed very strange to me at first.

Initially I couldn't figure out why a 24 year old woman would want to marry a 41 year old man. But over time it became more apparent to me why it worked for them. He very much so took the lead in the relationship, but I learned that was what she wanted. She had dated guys her own age and found them indecisive and unwilling to take the lead. She didn't want the responsibility of being the leader. She found security in being with someone who took charge. 

They both got what they wanted out of the relationship and it worked very well for them. She adored and looked up to him and (as far as I could tell) he never took advantage of this. The marriage was his second and her first. His first wife died and there wasn't an abundance of unmarried women near his age that didn't come with a lot of baggage. He also wanted children and that was definitely more likely to happen with a younger woman. She liked the fact that he had a good job, owned a fully furnished home and was mature. She of course outlived him but he made sure before he died that finances were lined up so that she wouldn't have to worry. I'd say it was a win for both of them. They were very happy for more than 40 years. 

My sister is married to a guy who is 13 years older than her and I have observed definite problems with their relationship. They've been married for about 23 years but it seems more like they merely tolerate each other. My sister was initially drawn to him because he seemed more stable than guys her own age. She was married previously to a guy her own age who couldn't keep a job. I've concluded that she now realizes that there is more to a successful relationship than just selecting someone who knows how to keep a job. 


In the case of my in laws I do think power dynamics played somewhat of a role. I've also concluded that since it made them both happy and they each got what they wanted out of the relationship, who am I to criticize it. They were happier than most will ever be.


----------



## pwowq (Aug 7, 2016)

It's creepy when the respective maturity levels is an obvious mismatch. I judge... but I won't intervene or cause drama about it.


----------



## sippingcappucino (Sep 23, 2017)

There probably is a biological explanation for this: peak age for fertility, etc.

I like older men, but if they try "impress" me or "teach" me or "enlighten" me with their age, I just won't. . . I am all about learning new things, but it can't be forced in me, really.


----------



## Senah (Oct 17, 2017)

Hmmm...I don't think that maturity necessarily equals age. I was very mature for my age from when I was about 13 or 14. When I was younger, I dated older men not for security, but because they thought I was much older than I was, and we were at the same level of maturity (my first boyfriend was about 19 years older than I was). As I got older, the men got closer to me in age, interestingly, and then as I got into my late twenties - early thirties, people started thinking I was a lot younger than I was. Still a "mature person" but I guess, perhaps partially because I am an ENTP and outgoing and don't take a lot of things too seriously, people think I am young at heart. Well, I also look young (I am on faculty at a university and everyone thinks I am an undergrad). 

Now, I end up dating men who are usually 2-7 years younger than I am because we are at the same energy level. That said, in places like New York, I would probably be dating guys closer to my age because they don't have to grow up so much and have more of a Peter Pan syndrome. But after about 25 I think there is a basic level, for most people that interest me, of maturity. 

The one thing that is interesting now is that there is a different dynamic of being an older woman in terms of what people look for in a partnership. If you are 30 and I am 36, and you are dating, there are questions about family/partnership/careers that are probably a little more difficult than if the guy is older. I think that plays into things somewhat, though less than it used to (and after dating for a while in my mid-thirties, less than I thought it would). My Dad's wife is 10 years younger than he is, and my mother is 7 years younger than he is, so that doesn't seem like much, however I guess inherently when I look in the opposite direction it does seem like a bigger gap, but not in terms of maturity but rather biologically.


----------



## islandlight (Aug 13, 2013)

When I was in my late 30s I had a boyfriend in his early 20s. It didn't work out because we were in different places in life. He was thinking about going to school and someday starting a family, and I was already done with all that. So for a long time I thought age was a major factor. But in my current relationship (with a much younger man) our lifestyles and goals are compatible (for one thing, he doesn't want kids), so "age" isn't an issue. 

My father was 15 years older than my mother, and it was definitely a control thing. I believe he made her life hell.


----------



## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

It depends on the age.

If someone is under 25, I don't consider them fully mature. Their brains are still developing, and they haven't technically become fully adult. This isn't to say anyone who is attracted to someone under 25 is a pedophile, but that I do think it's really important to consider that people this age are still not really 'mature.'

To someone who's not fully matured, an adult might seem super mature...but they might really be more like the young person's stage they are in. That is to say, that an older adult who seems mature to a young person may actually be later regarded as immature for their age, when the young person fully develops, or to other older adults their age.

I guess I am very pessimistic about an age gap that includes a younger person under the age of 25. 

But if someone is older than 25 and they are interested in someone who is older than them, I don't really care. I consider both to be 'fully mature.'

I suppose we could see the grouping of the immature young adult and the mature (in the physical sense) older adult as having a certain power dynamic. But after full physical development (maturity of the brain) I do not think that power dynamic is an issue, regardless of the age gap, whether it be 20 or 40 years.

There may be other power dynamics like economic, but the child/adult dynamic wouldn't exist if both are physically mature (over age 25).


----------



## Mr. Anderson (Nov 19, 2017)

WickerDeer said:


> This isn't to say anyone who is attracted to someone under 25 is a pedophile, but that I do think it's really important to consider that people this age are still not really 'mature.'


Can we please stop having everyone not understand that a pedophile is someone who is attracted to people of the age range of say 6-12. Being attracted to a 22yr old girl doesn't make you a potentially pedophile, HOLY SHIT. That word has lost all meaning these days.


----------



## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

Mr. Anderson said:


> Can we please stop having everyone not understand that a pedophile is someone who is attracted to people of the age range of say 6-12. Being attracted to a 22yr old girl doesn't make you a potentially pedophile, HOLY SHIT. That word has lost all meaning these days.


I don't actually care about the true meaning of the term 'pedophile' as much as the amount of pain and suffering that might occur from someone who is an adult trying to have adult relations with someone who is not an adult.

So while I kind of get your semantics, I also still think the brain is _kind _of an important organ in _some_ people's relationships, and the maturity of the brain is still significant.

I don't really care as much about pedophiles as I do about suffering that is caused by abuse. So not going to argue with you about semantics or pedophile politics.


----------



## Mr. Anderson (Nov 19, 2017)

WickerDeer said:


> I don't actually care about the true meaning of the term 'pedophile' as much as the amount of pain and suffering that might occur from someone who is an adult trying to have adult relations with someone who is not an adult.
> 
> So while I kind of get your semantics, I also still think the brain is _kind _of an important organ in _some_ people's relationships, and the maturity of the brain is still significant.
> 
> I don't really care as much about pedophiles as I do about suffering that is caused by abuse. So not going to argue with you about semantics or pedophile politics.


That's nice and all, but a 22yr old isn't a kid no matter how you slice it. A 22yr old is a college graduate with a job.


----------



## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

Mr. Anderson said:


> That's nice and all, but a 22yr old isn't a kid no matter how you slice it. A 22yr old is a college graduate with a job.


My original post said that 'not everyone who's attracted to under 25 kids is a pedophile' (paraphrasing--post #45 in this thread (what you quoted) and my original post show what I said).

A 22 year old isnt necessarily a college graduate, and they may or may not have a job, but imo they are a kid.

It just depends on how you define kids. And as I said--no, it does not make you a pedophile, but if you're habitually targeting people under 25, and you are older, then you do seem creepy to me.


----------



## Mr. Anderson (Nov 19, 2017)

WickerDeer said:


> My original post said that 'not everyone who's attracted to under 25 kids is a pedophile' (paraphrasing--post #45 in this thread (what you quoted) and my original post show what I said).
> 
> A 22 year old isnt necessarily a college graduate, and they may or may not have a job, but imo they are a kid.
> 
> It just depends on how you define kids. And as I said--no, it does not make you a pedophile, but if you're habitually targeting people under 25, and you are older, then you do seem creepy to me.


Well then women shouldn't all start getting fat after they're 25. :laughing:


----------



## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

Mr. Anderson said:


> Well then women shouldn't all start getting fat after they're 25. :laughing:


Some 'flaws' are actually virtues if they repel the right people. 

Only drawback is that it takes time to develop such a repellent (25 years, according to you).


----------



## hello_world (Dec 17, 2017)

Older ppl are just uglier than younger.
Why go with an ugly witch when a new girl turns 18 every day.


----------



## jtour (Oct 26, 2017)

I'm a 41 year year old man. Absolutely in my prime, at the height of my powers in every possible way.

However, while I obviously think some young woman (say, below their mid-20s) are very pretty, very sexy, it wouldn't be me who would be chasing them.

I could almost certainly be convinced to fuck them all night, but they'd have to convince me. I don't exactly yearn for the stimulating company of some retarded illiterate, but if I had to, I guess I could have my arm twisted and screw them a dozen times before sending them out the door.

For actual adults who have at least the beginnings of an adult understanding of the world, say, some young woman in her mid-late-20s, I don't see a reason we couldn't be at least good friends, maybe partners for a time. 

I don't see any "power-play" there whatsoever.

Beyond my own case, I can't speculate: AFAIC, most people are disgusting degenerates with ridiculous ideas about sex, and they can go fuck a bunch of sheep for all I care.


----------



## jtour (Oct 26, 2017)

One last brief comment: between the ages of, say, 25 and 50, the differences in age are unimportant. The years I chose aren't important, just a rough estimate.

The exceptions are for children, certainly under 21, where the difference of a few years are distorted in importance, and in those who start to deteriorate physically at sometimes an alarming rate.

There may be important differences in wealth, status, education and so forth, but that's not particular to age.


----------



## Mark R (Dec 23, 2015)

There might be some people who want to be in control of their relationships, but there are so many things more significant than age difference that affect the power dynamic. Like others have said, over 25 or so, any relationship is made up of two adults no matter what the age difference is. Most couples being about the same age is brought about by the influence of society. 

In an age where just about any kind of sexual relationship between consenting adults is gaining acceptance, there is still a stigma associated with a couple having a significant age difference. The unequal power dynamic, gold-digger, sugar-daddy, or daddy issues are stereotypes to support this stigma. I have had relationships with significant age differences with women both older and younger and none of these has ever been present. I have always viewed my partner as equal.


----------



## Vivid Melody (Apr 25, 2011)

Kind of echoing what's already been said but as with most things, I think it depends on the person. Some people go out of their way to seek a significant age gap for those reasons or for reasons like security. And some people land in relationships with an age gap randomly. I had read that some women are naturally attracted to older partners just because their parents were much older. So I don't think it's necessarily Daddy/mommy issues at play, but perhaps familiarity. Or possibly both. The reasons are endless.

I do think there are definitely older predator types who prey on really young people because they tend to be more naive. Then there are older people who prefer younger people because it's a way of recapturing their youth or trying to capture something they felt they missed out on when they were younger for whatever reason. It's almost like they mentally get stuck at a younger age or something. I had one person tell me they prefer younger people because they found the people their own age were all boring, always talking about their past experiences, no longer want to have any new experiences since those years were behind them. Another reason would be younger people are less likely to have a lot of baggage and pretty much all the other benefits that can come with youth.

Overall, I think age gaps matter less the older you get. Once you hit your 30s, no one seems to really question it or care. When you're younger, it tends to make a bigger difference as there's more likely to be a maturity gap the younger you are. I don't think maturity is necessarily connected to age though. Once again, depends on the person. For example, once I hit my teens, I felt more like a parent to my parents than their child, which is nothing against them, it's just the way the dynamic with them has always been. I never went to them for life advice or saw them as a source of wisdom, but I remember them coming to me for just that very often. I do think the older you get, the more likely you are to know yourself better, but that isn't always the case.

I've been friends with people ten years older than me and people ten years younger than me (as adults) and it never seemed to make much of a difference in terms of maturity. I sometimes found the friends ten years younger than me to be more mature than the friends ten years older. The only difference was just being in somewhat different stages in life. People learn and develop at different paces, so I never really have seen my elders as automatically being wiser. Especially if they continue to make poor life choices throughout their lives or never learn from their mistakes. Obviously, everyone makes mistakes in life, but some people keep repeating the same patterns.

Romantically, I've never sought out an age gap or been especially attracted to people much older or younger than myself. I've been with someone five years older than me which was seen as more scandalous since I was 18 at the time. I remember people arguing that my brain wasn't fully developed yet as if I wasn't capable of thinking through things for myself and that always just felt so dismissive and patronizing to me coming from people who I didn't think were any wiser in terms of relationships. I don't think experience automatically makes a person wiser, I think it has more to do with their ability to evaluate their experiences and take away real understanding from them.

For me, it's always about the connection I have with the person. I'm now with someone 11 years older than me which was also not planned. I don't really feel the difference in age. Maybe if it was a 20 year age gap, I would. I just think it's common for people my age (early 30's) to end up with someone older. I couldn've chosen younger or closer to my age, but my priority is always on who I have actual compatibility/chemistry with, not on how old they are. Those are just details to me.


----------



## Hexigoon (Mar 12, 2018)

Obviously you shouldn't do anything that's illegal, but age gaps between two regular adults don't mean much of anything.
If you're 20+ I'm going to treat you like you're as much of an adult as I am.
I don't associate older age automatically with increased maturity or intelligence either, I've seen plenty of older people who should go back to school and update their base of knowledge because they act like we're still in the 50s or something. Can't forget the Karens (and whatever you call the male equivalent) as well.


----------



## Winter-Rose (Jul 20, 2021)

I think it's normal for all the people to try to find an explanation to everything, but sometimes it's only a case what happens or you aren't consciously going near something and you aren't consciously attracting what will arrive into your life. Searching a logical explanation is normal because if you can explain something you can judge it.
It isn't important if the explanation is near the true, but that can be. Everyone needs to be judgy in some way, the society has always been stressed and searches an easy way to get out those feelings which during the day are kept.

That can be related to this topic as well.
There could be thousands different motivations for a choice such as dating a younger or older person. But I believe most of the time if the relationship can start there's a form of randomness.

So yeah, talking about why someone chooses a partner is fascinating and a great intellectual and moral stimulation, but under all those talks there's only a thing: probably facing the age gap topic doesn't give a lot, older guys not all the time have a stability, not all the time have "high" status or are wiser and so young ones not all the time are beautiful, more active and easy ones or search someone who maintain them or is dominant. The age gap is a small dating factor considering the inner compatibility. Everyone biologically grows and for sure no one likes all the younger or the older people who sees during the day. There's always an internal connection, even when the relationship aim is "slimy". And if you'll feel a connection to someone...Carpe diem, try. One day you'll die, why live a life blocked by society's ethic? Some things ethically talking are important but others...they last the time they find. If a young person wants to stay with an older person, that's fine, why care, he/she chose. If both agree, that's ok. Let people live, maybe they'll get burned, maybe they'll be happy, for sure the contact between different people will be a great chance to internally grow.
Actually I don't care a lot because I know some couples who are ethically judgeable, but they're happier together. Thinking about my behaviour I can be judgeable too because I've risked so much in my life even while dating. But that risk made me more confident and experienced.

About me, I more easily look for an older men and yeah, there are a lot of reasons which have already been mentioned, but if I go deep inside myself about why an older one...it's for feeling. Probably we have something in common and I feel it, in my life I research an inner compatibility. I see external factor and value them but how I value them depend on how the person interacts. You know, when you feel at ease the person looks better in your eyes. You naturally don't consider other things which become smaller details.

It's important to be cautious but also to risk. Searching for love is a risk. If you don't, you're not searching for love but an easy stability (I like stability, but one which made me sweat, one I really worked for).


----------



## recycled_lube_oil (Sep 30, 2021)

I don't believe there is a one size fits all for the reasons for age gaps.

I generally seem to go for about 5 - 10 years younger than me (I am late thirties). This is not by conscious choice, it just turns out that way. 

For me at least, its more to do with how chilled out a person is, rather than power or maturity and also life style choices. A lot of late thirties women (at least where I am) that are on the dating market, mainly seem super stressed out in life and it really seems like they are looking for a guy to step and sort their shit out for them. Or they have spent that long engrossed in their career, they are just part of a corporation and not a person. Then their is the lifestyle, I am not as dedicated to fitness as say Arnie was or even your average gym bro. I average 3 times a week in the gym and I eat healthy. So getting with someone whose life consists of Netflix and take away food, does not appeal, not to mention the effect it has on their bodies, nothing about them attracts me. At least in the part of the UK where I live, that makes the majority of women my age, undatable in my eyes.

So generally when I end up being attracted to someone or spend time with someone, it just turns out that they are younger. Ive also been with a few women in their 20's, albeit the ones who seem more mature and down to earth than the majority. They actually seem to be seeking out the older guys as well (its always them who have made the moves, not me).

On another note, there are a few women I have had experiences with who are 10 - 15 years older than me. I have never felt personally like it was some sort of power play or anything like that. They seemed totally unaffected by the struggles of life and still had that youthful spark that a lot of people seem to lose and they stood out even amongst other women a lot younger than them.

I am not denying that predators exist, not at all. But sweeping generalisations do not apply to every case of an age gap. 

Also someone on here mentioned about people being less mature than they should be for their age. In some ways, I guess that would fit me a bit. I wouldn't say I am Peter Pan in never never land. But I always try to keep a positive perspective on stuff, so sometimes I do come across like I have some sort of naïve innocence, which people seem to believe means I don't "act my age".


----------



## thedazzlingdexter (12 mo ago)

Tropes said:


> Do people seek someone more/less mature in age to match their own maturity, or do they seek to reinforce the sub/dom relationship role they desire for themselves in a relationship through age gaps that tend to bring along the desired power gap?
> 
> Inspired by the age difference thread, I've noticed there is a pattern of a lot of younger people say they prefer someone older to match their own higher maturity but then a higher frequency of older people preferring younger because... Older people lose that maturity? Seems unlikely, the match explanation doesn't quite fit what we see.
> As a rule of thumb age comes with benefits, it changes who is likely to be more established, it changes who has more information to teach and who has more information to learn, it changes who can be the one to initiates what needs to be done at a given situation because they have the experience of being there done that, it changes who is more likely to know an answer because it's less likely to be first time they've encountered a question. Are people using these to feed into the power dynamic of a relationship and reinforce the relationship power role they desire for themselves?


I mean I am able to hold a job and none of my partners really ever can. So I guess at this piont holding a job is something I require.


----------



## tarmonk (Nov 21, 2017)

A lot depends on the actual ages too, not only on the age diff. 18yo and 28yo would have pretty different worldviews while for people in their 30s and 40s and above, such diff doesn't play role any more (unless when it's generation cap too not only age diff). My SO is 8 years younger than me (i'm 40+ and she's in mid-30s) but we're still the same generation and see things similar ways. Can't feel the age diff. I have no special interest or fetishes related to younger women - just happened by chance so that she was younger than me when we first met. Wouldn't mind if it was differently.

More important than age cap or lack of it, is that people should be in similar or same phase of the life - for example, wouldn't matter if you're at the same age with your partner if one has kids and doesn't want more but the other hasn't been on that pathway yet and wants to go there. Same with education, expectations about living and so on - "equal" phase of life and expectations work better regardless of actual age of the partners. Some people just reach to certain major milestones of life earlier than others. 

Whether this all is somehow related to power play or not - not sure but could be for some people. There are some nuances which you learn only through life experience and here's where age comes to play. Once talked with a guy who was interested in power play and while he tried to educate himself about it, he realized that he as 20yo couldn't provide all aspects of it to a girl who craves for it bc some experiences and understandings just come with time to be authentic enough.


----------

