# Awkward situation involving bar mitzvah invitation



## NYDad (Sep 14, 2011)

We would appreciate guidance from anyone who wants to comment.

Among the school friends my son invited to his Bar Mitzvah is a boy that we (my wife and I) don't know. My son knows him from school. His RSVP came back saying his entire family of 4 would be attending both the kiddush and the reception. We do not know these people. Have you ever heard of this before, and what is the proper way to respond to this?


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## Penemue (Feb 23, 2010)

What's the problem, that you don't want to go, you'd feel awkward as you don't know them or you don't know what to expect at the Bar Mitzvah?


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## Starflakes (Sep 13, 2009)

*nevermind*


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## sprinkles (Feb 7, 2010)

I think etiquette would say that you accept them and see what happens....

You generally only RSVP someone that you want to be there. I don't think there is a polite way to decline once the RSVP has been responded to. 

You have to look at it from in their shoes - they get an RSVP, and according to RSVP etiquette they replied with what they intend to do. This is how it's supposed to work. The problem is that your son is apparently giving RSVP's to people that you don't know, so how can you nicely tell someone who gets the RSVP "we didn't intend for you to get this?"

If you want to be a good host it's probably best to let them come (which is unfortunate since it seems to make you uncomfortable)


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## NYDad (Sep 14, 2011)

*Follow-up*

Thanks for the feedback. Let me clarify, though, since I'm getting the impression that some of you seem to think it was us RSVP-ing to someone else's party.

We're the ones hosting the party. In answer to one question, yes - it's going to be a pretty big party - about 125 to 150 guests at a formal affair (and at a cost of about $125 per person).

Our biggest concern has to do with the logistics. With whom would we sit these people? Say we figure out where to place them, and then when the time comes to come to the party, they realize they don't know us and decide not to come. Now we've got a table that's only partially full and the other guests at the table have fewer people sitting with them to socialize with.

We've never heard of this happening before to anyone we know. Please keep the suggestions coming. Thanks to all.


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## Siggy (May 25, 2009)

Do you know who actually RSVP, was it the child or the parents?

You may want to give the family a phone call to introduce your self, give directions to the place, and confirming the RSVP. Its a way of feeling the family out.


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## Super Awesome (Jul 11, 2011)

So, you invited this ONE boy to the Bar Mitzvah and his WHOLE family is coming?

Yikes. It's either very rude on their part or they've misunderstood the invitation, for whatever reason. About the only thing you can do is call and clarify that they'll all be coming, then adjust accordingly. There's no real polite way to say, "Only the one boy was invited."


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## Agile (Sep 27, 2010)

Wow interesting situation, this never happened to my parents after hosting 4 of them. I'm thinking it may be ignorance on their part or perhaps they want to chaperone? Perhaps clarifying the situation would make sense before thinking it's chutzpah.


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## Michele Schwartz (Oct 4, 2011)

*Just give them a call...*

The family probably has never been invited to or attended a Jewish Mitzvah ceremony. A simple call to them to let them know the child who is in your child's class is the only invitee should clear up the situation. Although, it is rude and/or requires chutzpah--it is probably out of ignorance about the event, its meaning and invitation only events. If you feel awkward having to not include them after they made the incorrect assumption, you can always invite them to the service and kiddish; but, not the party. Good Luck! Mazel Tov!


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