# Is friend A manipulative or is friend B selfish?



## Gossip Goat (Nov 19, 2013)

Friend A tells friend B they should go out so friend C comes along. Friend B and friend C live together and friend B is slightly sick and friend C supposedly won't go because they feel like they have to take care of friend B*. (*Friend C does not trust friend B & think friend B is not capable of taking care of themselves)


Friend B does not want to go out and friend A tells them they are being selfish, friend B feels like friend A is being manipulative and trying to guilt trip them into doing something. 

Friend B suspects friend A is using friend C's story to their advantage because friend A is the one that wants both friend B and C to go out because_ they_ want to go out as friends. 

*EDIT: Friend A claims they are worried about friend B since they never want to go or do anything.*

Who is right? Who is wrong? What should be done?

Should friend B be more sensitive to friend A's desires?

Should friend A come clean about their motives? Should friend B and C confront friend A?


The possibility of my involvement in the friendship is not of any importance. Either express your thoughts towards the situation & place yourself in the shoes of each friend or express an overall opinion.


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## shyextrovert (Jan 2, 2015)

Friend a sounds manipulative to me :/ and should be confronted IMO.


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## Belzy (Aug 12, 2013)

Friend A is the one who is being selfish (and thus manipulative).

I admire what friends B and C are doing. Friend C is being a real friend to friend B, and friend B is being strong for standing up for him- or herself by staying home.

If friend A is a real friend, he or she would understand, respect and accept what friends B and C are doing. Friend A's wish to go all out together is a nice one, but apparently it has to wait for a next time.


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## shyextrovert (Jan 2, 2015)

Friend a should let b and c do what they want and be honest rather than name calling and guilt tripping.


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## Gossip Goat (Nov 19, 2013)

NFx said:


> Friend A is the one who is being selfish.
> 
> I admire what friends B and C are doing. Friend C is being a real friend to friend B, and friend B is being strong for standing up for him- or herself by staying home.
> 
> If friend A is a real friend, he or she would understand, respect and accept what friends B and C are doing. Friend A's wish to go all out together is a nice one, but apparently it has to wait for a next time.


I forgot to mention friend B never wants to go out.


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## Belzy (Aug 12, 2013)

Gossip Goat said:


> I forgot to mention friend B never wants to go out.


That's friend B's choice then.

Friend A may give a try to convince the other, but at some point just respect the other person's choice for not going. And then yes, friend A is being manipulative because he or she fails to respect/accept friend B's decision.


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## Kebachi (May 27, 2014)

Gossip Goat said:


> I forgot to mention friend B never wants to go out.


I wouldn't want to go out either if I got treated like that every time.

Nobody wants to be guilt tripped, even into doing something "fun", because then the fun activity is no longer enjoyable.
What are friend B's interests? Maybe they don't want to go to the same places that A and C want to go to. Most people want to stay home when sick, but there are some who like to stay home in general and really have no desire to go out on a regular basis. 

Is there any harm in B staying home?


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## Gossip Goat (Nov 19, 2013)

NFx said:


> That's friend B's choice then.
> 
> Friend A may give a try to convince the other, but at some point just respect the other person's choice for not going. And then yes, friend A is being manipulative because he or she fails to respect/accept friend B's decision.


Friend A's reasoning is also that they are worried for friend B. Saying that always refusing to go do anything and staying in is unhealthy.

Those are the possible reasoning for friend A:
-Themselves wanting to go out (they themselves are depressed and wish to go out having the comfort of their friends.)
-Wanting friend C to go out (because they work hard and should have a night out)
-Wanting friend B to go out (thinking their behavior is unhealthy)


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## Belzy (Aug 12, 2013)

Kebachi said:


> I wouldn't want to go out either if I got treated like that every time.
> 
> Nobody wants to be guilt tripped, even into doing something "fun", because then the fun activity is no longer enjoyable.
> What are friend B's interests? Maybe they don't want to go to the same places that A and C want to go to. Most people want to stay home when sick, but there are some who like to stay home in general and really have no desire to go out on a regular basis.
> ...


Yes, the harm is friend A doesn't get what he or she wants.

In other words: I totally agree with you.


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## Kebachi (May 27, 2014)

Gossip Goat said:


> Friend A's reasoning is also that they are worried for friend B. Saying that always refusing to go do anything and staying in is unhealthy.
> 
> Those are the possible reasoning for friend A:
> -Themselves wanting to go out (they themselves are depressed and wish to go out having the comfort of their friends.)
> ...


Sounds like A is an extrovert and B is an introvert. There's nothing unhealthy about going out or staying in, those are just preferences. They sound like they need to discuss this so that they can try to understand each other better. A would hate being pressured to stay in all the time, the way B hates being pressured to go out all the time.


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## Gossip Goat (Nov 19, 2013)

Kebachi said:


> I wouldn't want to go out either if I got treated like that every time.
> 
> Nobody wants to be guilt tripped, even into doing something "fun", because then the fun activity is no longer enjoyable.
> What are friend B's interests? Maybe they don't want to go to the same places that A and C want to go to. Most people want to stay home when sick, but there are some who like to stay home in general and really have no desire to go out on a regular basis.
> ...


Supposedly because of how reclusive they are becoming.

EDIT: friend A is worried for them.
friend B is not necessarily an introvert, they do not want to go because they claim they would not like to go to X place but friend A says they should socialize more.


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## Kebachi (May 27, 2014)

NFx said:


> Yes, the harm is friend A doesn't get what he or she wants.
> 
> In other words: I totally agree with you.


lol, welcome to the forum BTW! C:


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## Kebachi (May 27, 2014)

Gossip Goat said:


> Supposedly because of how reclusive they are becoming.


I have to ask. Forgive me. Are you friend A, or C?


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## Belzy (Aug 12, 2013)

Gossip Goat said:


> Friend A's reasoning is also that they are worried for friend B. Saying that always refusing to go do anything and staying in is unhealthy.
> 
> Those are the possible reasoning for friend A:
> -Themselves wanting to go out (they themselves are depressed and wish to go out having the comfort of their friends.)
> ...


I am not aware of friend B being in an unhealthy situation or friend A thinking he or she is. Staying in all the time, and refusing to go out, doesn't have to mean anything, but it can. I wouldn't know, while I know very little of 'em. Perhaps friend B would be more interested in something else than 'going out' (whatever that means).


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## Gossip Goat (Nov 19, 2013)

Kebachi said:


> I have to ask. Forgive me. Are you friend A, or C?


I am an omnipresent entity.

For the sake of it, I don't wish to disclose that.


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## InspectorDoohickey (Nov 12, 2012)

I can't do this letter thing, so
Friend A = Amber
Friend B = Beth
Friend C = Cat



I've had some experience with types like Beth, friends who want to stay home *all *the time. They think that you should just be fine with it. But while staying in might be fun for them, it isn't fun for me. If Amber has ever approached Beth with an invitation to a party or something, but ended up staying inside because Beth didn't _feel _like. Then Beth owes her one. Friendships take energy, you have to put effort in to get anything out. Amber wants to spend time with her friend, Beth decided their activity last time, it's Amber's turn to choose.

Edit -

Cat doesn't really seem to be the problem here, but Amber should've focused her attention on convincing Cat to go out instead of wasting her breath on Beth.


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## Belzy (Aug 12, 2013)

InspectorDoohickey said:


> I can't do this letter thing, so
> Friend A = Amber
> Friend B = Beth
> Friend C = Cat
> ...


Then you gotta wonder whether this friendship works or not.


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## shyextrovert (Jan 2, 2015)

I think they all need to talk about their desires and expectations with each other. Friend b might soften if they see friend a actually cares. But b has every right to say I'm not unhealthy, I just don't wanna go out. And a should accept that. If friend b used to go put a lot and is now in a depressive state then maybe that's different. But they should express rather than assume. You know what they say about assuming.

Eta: @InspectorDoohickey haha yes the letters thing was stressing me out too! Good solution


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## Kebachi (May 27, 2014)

Gossip Goat said:


> I am an omnipresent entity.
> 
> For the sake of it, I don't wish to disclose that.


Understandable. I just thought it would make the situation easier to understand if there were more information on it. 

From what little I can get from this thread, it seems like the two of them need to talk out their differences. What each wants from the friendship, that sort've thing. There's no reason why they can't compromise.


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## Gossip Goat (Nov 19, 2013)

NFx said:


> Then you gotta wonder whether this friendship works or not.


That's besides the point at the moment.


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## General Lee Awesome (Sep 28, 2014)

friend A should just grow some brain and realize friend B and C not wanting to go out has nothing to do with friend A. friend B is sick, so learn to be considerate ok? what friend B and C should do is to gently explain to friend A, hey look, we want to go out but friend B is slightly sick, and should get some rest. sorry about cancelling the plans on you.


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## Pifanjr (Aug 19, 2014)

I have a friend like A. Although his behaviour can be very annoying when pressuring people into doing something, I've come to accept that's just the way he is. Someone who puts a little pressure on you is not necessarily bad, as long as they don't actually blame you if you don't give in every time.


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## ai.tran.75 (Feb 26, 2014)

Gossip Goat said:


> Friend A tells friend B they should go out so friend C comes along. Friend B and friend C live together and friend B is slightly sick and friend C supposedly won't go because they feel like they have to take care of friend B*. (*Friend C does not trust friend B & think friend B is not capable of taking care of themselves)
> 
> 
> Friend B does not want to go out and friend A tells them they are being selfish, friend B feels like friend A is being manipulative and trying to guilt trip them into doing something.
> ...


Hmm well I don't think any of the friends are being manipulative or selfish. . Friend A probably feels that the 3 of them needs to go out bc it'll make them all feel better and it's the way As mind work - so when convincing A probably thought that he/she is doing them a favor . Friend B is dead tired and doesn't want to go which is completely reasonable. - friend C obviously agreed with friend B - therefore none are really right or wrong in this situation . It's normal for friend A to think that B and C are selfish bc A probably think that they're isolating him/her and felt left out . Friend b and c thinks friend A is manipulative and over dramatic bc well friend A does sounds pushy and B is sick and exhausted and not in the mood . 
Hmm this remind me of my relationship with my esfj mom- she always wants to go out and when I'm stress or wanted to be left alone - sometimes even sick - she thinks in her mind that I need to get out bc that would make me feel better- when I say no ( especially if there's somebody around with me who agree) she'll automatically feel attacked and left out so she bc what seem to me like selfish ( when in fact she think she's just trying lighten things up ) and then I'll come across as selfish and aloof etc etc . Sorry for not giving you a direct answer but from this but that I read I don't think any of them are right or wrong in their way of thinking 


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