# Should I be taking this personally?



## Mostly Harmless (Oct 16, 2011)

[No message]


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## Fern (Sep 2, 2012)

Oh, sweetheart, I feel your pain.

Depression is a disease, and loved ones suffer and pay for it, too.


I know this advice seems obvious, but still: Have you tried talking to your boyfriend? If you're close enough to be having intercourse, you should be close enough to talk about this. I know it's a tricky subject, but if he cares for you, he should want to listen and make you happy. Any loving boyfriend would want that.


And I know this is a dark place to go but... Was he ever sexually abused?
Because, unless he wasn't so sexually cold prior to the drug use and THAT is the cause, he might have deep-seated issues as my significant other does. It's painful for all involved. For sure.

And I totally understand how humiliating it is to initiate sex and be consistently turned down. It's something he doesn't understand because my answer to his advances is always yes.
I understand how it makes you feel unattractive, and no matter how many times he reassures you that he finds you wildly attractive but he just has a low sex drive... it takes a toll

Just be honest and communicative of your feelings and needs. But also keep in mind that he is battling a hard battle if he has clinical depression and try to be delicate. 

You very well may have to make sacrifices for him (sexual and otherwise) for the time being - until he is able to recover. But that doesn't mean he gets to put you on the back burner either! Your needs matter.

And, finally: Please, *please *don't take this personally and know you are a lovely, desirable girl and you deserve to be with someone that knows that and shows it.


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## Mostly Harmless (Oct 16, 2011)

Thanks @_Fern_, for your sweet and thoughtful response.

I'm going to bring it up when I feel a little calmer ... these conversations never go well when I'm agitated ...

I don't think he was sexually abused as a child, but yes, as someone who used to be very religious, he has some hangups about it. When things first got physical between us, he freaked out because sexual intimacy released more feelings than he knew how to deal with. It was a very emotionally turbulent and painful period for both of us but we eventually got over that hump ... I'm still more expressive and thrill seeking and sex driven than he is, but the difference hasn't been so great that's it's a problem ... until now.

Ugh, I wish I was a better girlfriend. I know what depression feels like, how difficult it is to feel any kind of pleasure. I've been through this before. But it still makes me mad that he's so unreactive and drowsy and uninterested all the time. I just want to shake him. I'm being a selfish bitch, I know. I should be more understanding and compassionate. This is someone I love, for fuck's sake. I don't know what's wrong with me.


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## Mostly Harmless (Oct 16, 2011)

I decided to take a shower to calm myself down so I could talk to him afterwards ... I come out and he's already fast asleep. I'm so frustrated right now. I don't know what I can do to sustain his interest anymore. It is really hard not to take this personally. :sad:


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## nuut (Jan 13, 2014)

:sad:


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## Falling Leaves (Aug 18, 2011)

About to finish studying to be a Pharmacist, and yes, antidepressant medication can interfere with a persons libido. What you also have to bear in mind is symptoms can get worse in the first few weeks of starting SSRIs, and it can take up to a month for his body to fully react and adjust. Changes in his temperament wouldn't be unheard of if he's only just started - I would give it another few weeks to see if his mood changes. 

If after about 6-8 weeks your boyfriend is not getting better taking SSRIs, you need to go back to your doctor - after this point, it's unlikely that the drugs will start to take effect (although, this is the advice given in the UK; prescribing practice might be different where you live). Also, if the libido effect persists, you could also go back to the doctor to try a different drug. There are lots of different antidepressants out there; you don't have to put up with a drug which interferes with your life because 'that's what the doctor told me to take'. 

I think what's important is you _talk_ to your boyfriend, instead of trying to second-guess him. It might simply be that he's going through a period where he's not interested in sex - lots of people do this, and more often than not, it's just a phase. Or it might be the depression itself, loss of libido being a symptom. Or, like you said, it could be the medication. You can't know unless you ask. 

I think what you need more than anything else is reassurance - you need to know his change in behavior isn't because of you. I think deep down you understand this, but it's not always easy to relay doubts. If you told him how you felt, he might make an effort to communicate why he isn't interested in having sex when it happens, instead of simply acting uninterested with no explanation.


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## Mostly Harmless (Oct 16, 2011)

I know I need to be more patient. After all, I'm the one who pushed him to go see a psychiatrist and start taking medication. I should be happy that he finally listened after a year's worth of prodding and pleading. 

Instead, all I can do is be cranky about his meds interfering with his sex drive. Even though he's told me that they're working and he's having fewer negative and irrational thoughts. I should be happy for him, but no. I suck. :sad:

I know he loves me but the lack of sexual interest and general passiveness, even when I make moves that cannot be mistaken, makes me feel really unattractive and sad. I'm bending over backwards to make myself attractive to him and it's not working. I don't know what else I have to do to catch his attention. I can't act like any more of a porn star than I already do. And it's getting to the point where it feels like a job rather than actual fun.

I don't want to make him feel bad about his lack of performance if it's been triggered by meds and depression. And I know that my self-worth should not be dependent on my ability to turn him on. But it is. I'm even more fucked up than he is.

UGHHH. I hate everything. I'm just going to sit around in my jammies and eat tubs of ice cream and get really fat.


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## VinnieBob (Mar 24, 2014)

there is more to a relationship then sex, you are taking this too personal and interpret this as not having your primal instincts satisfied. if you truly love him then be patient and talk to him in a calm manner about your ''needs'' also one of the side effects of antidepressants is a lowered libido


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## Musician_ENFJ (Feb 6, 2012)

Hi MH no,no,no its not you at all and things. And trust me give your boyfriend time and things will be back to normal and what is customary, you will be happy again. But time and keeping in there supporting him and preparing for the long haul that is the most important component. And know nothing positive comes overnight it takes a little continuance and indefatigability. I went through a pernicious belt of major depression including anxiety attacks and because of this a person becomes a completely different human being i.e. completely lose interest in life. Difficulty sleeping and all your calenture and drives have mostly gone because your serotonin levels are depleting. Again, I went through the same thing including no sensuality. Was not even interested in even eating but one only passion that I had and that was, getting drunk mostly every night all in order of numbing myself and knocking my self out.Thank goodness I got better and now enjoying life again just like your boyfriend will, you’ll see.

I was put on 40 mg and it worked for me but it took time. 

Good Luck x


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

He's fogged in. You might want to suggest that his doc consider lowering the dosage.


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## Jennywocky (Aug 7, 2009)

I agree with the bulk of what people have said here:

- This is a pretty common response to SSRI's.

- People also go through cycles of rising and falling libido.

- It's possible he's taking too high a dose and/or might do better on a different drug, but the doc isn't going to pull him on and off a drug yet, you'd have to do a testing period for each. 

- My last boyfriend was on SSRI's and had issues. He actually did seem interested in sex, but had trouble finishing and actually fell asleep before in the middle at times. Yes, I felt a twinge of "SRSLY?" at that, but I managed to keep focused on the fact it was the drug and not him or me, so I could kind of laugh about it even if the drug's impact was frustrating to deal with at times. He could seem fogged in / "fuzzy" sometimes; it really can "blunt the edge" of desire.

- Continued communication with either person feeling like something is "their fault" is a good approach. Also, to communicate with the doctor what is happening and what side effects you are willing to accept vs not.

There are some periods of a relationship that can be frustrating and/or rocky, and you just have to be steady and stay the course through the choppy waters. i think this is one of those times. It helps to have others tell you it's not you and it's not indicative that he doesn't care. Keep the end goal in sight and work to change course (in communication with him and the doctor) if something is not working for your relationship. Love is a big motivator. It sounds like you love him, and he loved you by going to get help to start with. Don't give up.


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## Mostly Harmless (Oct 16, 2011)

@Jennywocky

He fell asleep on top of you? OUCH. 

Wow, I don't know if my ego could handle that. I guess it's good to know that things are never as bad as they could be?

Anyway, I have no personal experience with SSRIs.

I didn't experience a significant drop in libido when I was depressed and I was on Wellbutrin ... which made my sex drive spike.

But there's body chemistry and stuff to be considered.

I don't really know so I'll leave doctoring to the doctors. I guess I just need to know that my boyfriend does prioritize our sex life enough to bring it up when he next meets the shrink ... which I'll have to talk to him about. Hopefully, I can do it without totally hurting his feelings or humiliating him. 

I guess it's a good time for me to learn how to back off as well. I feel like I'm constantly foisting my attentions on someone who's not really that into it. Kind of like a predator. I wonder if this is what it's like for men all the time?


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## Jennywocky (Aug 7, 2009)

Mostly Harmless said:


> He fell asleep on top of you? OUCH.


Well, he was behind me, but yes. Part of me wanted to slap him for it (you fell asleep??), but it was also 11pm or so and I knew he was on the meds and adjusting. He had trouble getting to a climax regularly because of the drugs and with their effect, so after awhile he kind of just slipped off.

I teased him about it momentarily later, but his response let me know he felt embarrassed about it and so I never mentioned it again.

Anyway, even after I shared that with you, I now feel a little embarrassed -- like maybe it was my fault? I just wasn't appealing enough in some way? Thinking through it, it seems pretty clear it was the drugs, since not on them he really wanted me and would often initiate; but yes, it can feel embarrassing and it can be easy to take it personally.



> I didn't experience a significant drop in libido when I was depressed and I was on Wellbutrin ... which made my sex drive spike.


Wellbutrin was the AD I was on as well, and yes, it's more a booster. I was a heavy coffee drinker when I started it and the first day I took it, I got so jittery my hands started shaking due to it + the caffeine. It operates differently than the other drugs. In comparison, I briefly went on Effexor and had major issues with that drug, so I weaned myself off.




> I don't really know so I'll leave doctoring to the doctors. I guess I just need to know that my boyfriend does prioritize our sex life enough to bring it up when he next meets the shrink ... which I'll have to talk to him about. Hopefully, I can do it without totally hurting his feelings or humiliating him.
> 
> I guess it's a good time for me to learn how to back off as well. I feel like I'm constantly foisting my attentions on someone who's not really that into it. Kind of like a predator. I wonder if this is what it's like for men all the time?


If it's a guy who is very sensitive to others, maybe it does feel that way to him? I don't know, but maybe some men will log in on that question. Someone usually initiates sex, but it can be disappointing when it's the same person every time.

There's just so much in LTR's, i've found, that is a "steady as she goes" commitment, keeping one's head and riding out rough waters when the emotions are oscillating.


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## Mostly Harmless (Oct 16, 2011)

Jennywocky said:


> Well, he was behind me, but yes. Part of me wanted to slap him for it (you fell asleep??), but it was also 11pm or so and I knew he was on the meds and adjusting. He had trouble getting to a climax regularly because of the drugs and with their effect, so after awhile he kind of just slipped off.
> 
> I teased him about it momentarily later, but his response let me know he felt embarrassed about it and so I never mentioned it again.
> 
> ...


Yeah, Wellbutrin made me horribly anxious but since anxiety was the first emotion I had felt in many months, I enjoyed it, haha.

I hope one day my boyfriend can look back at this episode and find something to laugh about, too.

We used to initiate sex about equally in our early days ... the ratio has been altering gradually over the years though. I initiate most of the time (and all the time these days ... well, not that it's actually happening right now, but yeah.)

I don't really mind initiating sex. A little bit of initiative from my partner every now and then makes for a refreshing change but all I really need is an enthusiastic response to my own bait.

Is my bf sensitive to others regarding force and predatory attitudes? To some degree, yes. When he was younger, he gave one of his girlfriends an ultimatum about being with him which she ended up giving into and the relationship did not work out very well. He's been extremely sensitive about any kind of coercion ever since and is very firm about the idea that he won't make people act against their will in this regard. They have to decide to be with him the way he is, no misrepresentations or deceptions, and they have to do it on their own accord with no interference from him. So yeah, I think he is very sensitive to the idea of coercion and I don't want him to feel coerced into giving me what I want. While another part of me likes being able to break my SO down and bend him to my will and my desires, I definitely would not want to do anything that would make him feel disrespected.

Regarding the LTR stuff ... well, we've been together two and a half years, which makes it my longest relationship to date. He's one of those steadfast and loyal men who take forever to commit but are in it to the bitter end once they've committed ... perhaps even long after the passion has faded. Me ... I'll be honest, not so much. When I first got with him, I didn't really see fidelity as that much of a virtue. I planned to keep things light and physical and didn't plan on trusting him to the point where I'd be anywhere close to expecting monogamy.

He is incredibly monogamous though (jealously so, even) and since I fell hard for him I changed my outlook on these things as well. I've invested so much energy and emotion in this relationship over the years that I have to make it work. My life is completely intertwined with my boyfriend's; whether or not I'm happy with the way things are going at present, I know I would be shattered without him. So I can't actually give up. 

I just don't want to be miserable doing it though. Blah.


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## Mostly Harmless (Oct 16, 2011)

Well, we had a long talk about it. He says he still finds me attractive and his mind wants to have sex with me ... but it takes a lot more for his body to get with the program and it's difficult for his penis to cooperate for long periods. Add to this the fact that he's naturally less sexual than me, and, well, yeah. He'll talk to his doctor at his next appointment but until then, I need to channel my urges in another more constructive direction.

I feel like I have to amputate my sex drive to be with him right now. And he's so calm and clinical and unreactive about everything. Why does he get to be calm when I'm a hot mess that's screaming and sobbing? It's not fair. I HATE THINKERS.

I just want everything to go away.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

Mostly Harmless said:


> Well, we had a long talk about it. He says he still finds me attractive and his mind wants to have sex with me ... but it takes a lot more for his body to get with the program and it's difficult for his penis to cooperate for long periods. Add to this the fact that he's naturally less sexual than me, and, well, yeah. He'll talk to his doctor at his next appointment but until then, I need to channel my urges in another more constructive direction.
> 
> I feel like I have to amputate my sex drive to be with him right now. And he's so calm and clinical and unreactive about everything. Why does he get to be calm when I'm a hot mess that's screaming and sobbing? It's not fair. I HATE THINKERS.
> 
> I just want everything to go away.


This are the sorts of trials that make or break a relationship. It will either bring you closer together, or tear you apart. I suspect that you both would probably prefer the former over the latter?


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## Mostly Harmless (Oct 16, 2011)

tanstaafl28 said:


> This are the sorts of trials that make or break a relationship. It will either bring you closer together, or tear you apart. I suspect that you both would probably prefer the former over the latter?


Of course I'd prefer the former. That's not even a question in my mind. I LOVE THIS GUY.

Right now though, I need to be someone I'm not to be with him. And I don't know how I'm going to do that. I'm way too all or nothing. Either I have to show all the affection and love I have inside me ... or none at all. I don't want to kiss him, I don't want to tell him I love him, hell, I don't even really want to touch him because it hurts too bad. I should stay away from him for a while to regain my sense of serenity and perspective but I keep getting sucked back by him. I can't not be near him. 

I can't show any love without falling apart at the lack of reciprocation (even though my rational mind knows it's not his fault) so I'm turning into an ice cold bitch. Ugh.

The worst part is that we're actually friends. Best friends in a lot of ways. But stripping away the eros from the relationship, even if (hopefully) temporarily ... yeah. I don't even know how to cope.


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## Mostly Harmless (Oct 16, 2011)

I'm also really pissed that he agreed that I need to control my sex drive. WTF.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

Mostly Harmless said:


> Of course I'd prefer the former. That's not even a question in my mind. I LOVE THIS GUY.


I needed to know. It's important. 



> Right now though, I need to be someone I'm not to be with him. And I don't know how I'm going to do that. I'm way too all or nothing. Either I have to show all the affection and love I have inside me ... or none at all. I don't want to kiss him, I don't want to tell him I love him, hell, I don't even really want to touch him because it hurts too bad. I should stay away from him for a while to regain my sense of serenity and perspective but I keep getting sucked back by him. I can't not be near him.


If you love him, you will find a way. 



> I can't show any love without falling apart at the lack of reciprocation (even though my rational mind knows it's not his fault) so I'm turning into an ice cold bitch. Ugh.


You are not an ice cold bitch and you don't have to be one. You just have to recognize what's happening and deal with it. 



> The worst part is that we're actually friends. Best friends in a lot of ways. But stripping away the eros from the relationship, even if (hopefully) temporarily ... yeah. I don't even know how to cope.


Nothing wrong with friends, how about reducing his dosage?


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## Mostly Harmless (Oct 16, 2011)

tanstaafl28 said:


> I needed to know. It's important.
> 
> If you love him, you will find a way.
> 
> ...


Yeah. I do recognize what's happening. I just can't control myself. I'm incredibly selfish and have zero self-control. 

I know there's nothing wrong with being friends but I'm viscerally disgusted by the idea of being nothing else. Companionate love seems repulsively bloodless to me. It's horrible.

I don't want him to fiddle with his dosage without talking to his doctor first. Especially because apart from the libido, it is working well for him. He feels much calmer and more stable, experiences fewer negative thought loops and doesn't get swept away by irrational fears to the same extent. Fuck. I just need to be happy for him. Why can't I just be happy for him instead of making this all about me? I need to stop doing that.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

Mostly Harmless said:


> Yeah. I do recognize what's happening. I just can't control myself. I'm incredibly selfish and have zero self-control.
> 
> I know there's nothing wrong with being friends but I'm viscerally disgusted by the idea of being nothing else. Companionate love seems repulsively bloodless to me. It's horrible.
> 
> I don't want him to fiddle with his dosage without talking to his doctor first. Especially because apart from the libido, it is working well for him. He feels much calmer and more stable, experiences fewer negative thought loops and doesn't get swept away by irrational fears to the same extent. Fuck. I just need to be happy for him. Why can't I just be happy for him instead of making this all about me? I need to stop doing that.


How old are you two?


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## Mostly Harmless (Oct 16, 2011)

tanstaafl28 said:


> How old are you two?


Mid-twenties.

I know, I sound like an immature twat. Embarrassing.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

Mostly Harmless said:


> Mid-twenties.
> 
> I know, I sound like an immature twat. Embarrassing.


Nah, you sound like you're about where you need to be. This experience will provide you with the experiences necessary to provide maturity.


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## Mostly Harmless (Oct 16, 2011)

We actually had a really good conversation earlier today. And I feel a lot better.

The first time we talked about it, I knew he wasn't taking my concerns seriously. It wasn't so much what he said as how he said it. I knew he didn't think it was or should be a big deal. And it made me furious. And I felt even angrier that I was angry because I'm not the one who has to take Prozac for depression and anxiety right now.

But since I cannot let things go unless I grind them into the dust looking for a resolution (well, things that concern him, anyway), I brought it up again. And I think it worked this time. We spilled our guts to each other and I feel there's some semblance of genuine intimacy between us again. 

I feel like I can breathe again.


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## yet another intj (Feb 10, 2013)

Mostly Harmless said:


> My boyfriend recently started taking SSRIs for depression and anxiety. While prescribing them, his doctor told him that he might experience a dip in libido, which, I'll admit, made me feel a little alarmed, but I decided I'd wait to see how it goes before freaking out.


Alarmed? Freaking out? It's just his libido, not motor skill.



Mostly Harmless said:


> Also, I do want him to feel better and happier, so if that happens in the long run, I guess this is a side effect I'm prepared to deal with, on a temporary basis.


It's not a trade. You are not sacrificing something to receive another thing. He's not going to be happier and better. It's going to mess with his brain and "maybe" let him think differently about the things that he already know... By the way, tianeptine would be a better option than mainstream SSRIs.



Mostly Harmless said:


> A few weeks down the line, I'm not really sure what to think. His body still reacts to me ... but his mind doesn't seem very interested. I'll do or say something suggestive to him and he'll respond briefly and then seemingly forget about it completely and go back to reading some boring book or watching youtube videos. And I'm not sure whether I should keep at it or just let it go.


You are talking about a human being, not a car... Just saying. You have a relationship and hopefully "constant and unconditional satisfaction by sex" isn't the one and only meaning of your common interest towards each other. It's not so different than PMS or whatever health problem. Again... He's a human being, not a walking phallus. Just be patient and support him. Only you can decide when it's too much. Nobody going to make any personal decisions for your future, including the professionals.



Mostly Harmless said:


> Frankly, it's a little humiliating. So ... is this a side effect of medication or is he just not interested anymore? I don't really know how to bring it up without making a scene out of it (it's not deliberate but I get hurt and emotional and end up making things overdramatic in situations like these ...)


Chronology... It's your friend... Use it.

Interested => Medication => Not interested = Side effect
(It's simple.)

Not interested => Medication => Still not interested = Problem
(You may ask if he was interested yet not showing it as a symptom of the depression... Well... I don't know.)


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## Silverdawn (Jun 28, 2014)

I'm glad to see that you had a discussion with your boyfriend. Hopefully that alleviated concerns on both sides.

Anti-depressants can affect libido, and it can affect it both ways, either decreasing or even increasing it. Each time I tried one, my doctor/shrink always warned me about side effects and most of the time, it's on the top of the list.

During hard times like these, good communication is vital. You can even talk to your boyfriend's doctor if you want to/have concerns. I actually recommend it because the doctor (or psychiatrist if he's seeing one) can also help you by giving you some information about the medication he's taking and advice so that you can properly support your boyfriend during treatment.


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## Mostly Harmless (Oct 16, 2011)

yet another intj said:


> Bunch of text


You sound like an idiot. Don't talk to me again.


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## aendern (Dec 28, 2013)

Mostly Harmless said:


> So ... is this a side effect of medication or is he just not interested anymore?


Obvious answer: yes.

His medication makes him not interested. He's not interested, yes. His medication is making him that way, yes.

btw SSRIs are not medication. They are poison.

There are so many hundreds of videos on YouTube about SSRI withdrawals






It's a nightmare drug.

^ sorry I know that probably isn't helpful or change anything. But I wish him well.

edit:

Also, many of the mass shooters in very recent history were on SSRIs.


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## chimeric (Oct 15, 2011)

Are there other ways he could make you feel loved that don't require having a sex drive? Worth talking about.


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## Mostly Harmless (Oct 16, 2011)

a. The substitution of hard peer reviewed scientific evidence with Youtube videos and flimsy anecdotal evidence to substantiate tall claims like 'SSRIs are poison' is really irritating to me. I mean, please believe whatever you choose to believe but give others something a little more reliable to review when arguing for your case. 
b. Suggesting other drugs--are you for fucking real? Are you guys doctors? Do you know anything about my boyfriend's medical history or even about his complaint/diagnosis? Really?
c. DON'T ASSUME SEX IS THE ONLY IMPORTANT THING TO ME OR THAT I TREAT MY BOYFRIEND LIKE A CAR THAT NEEDS TO BE JUMPSTARTED RATHER THAN A HUMAN BEING AND GIVE ME SOME FUCKING HOLIER THAN THOU SPEECH ABOUT IT. HOLY SHIT. 

Ugh. This thread should not be making me mad when the problem is mostly resolved. My boyfriend and I have had a long, fulfilling conversation about our problems and concerns and his sex drive is coming back. 

None of my irritation applies to people who have given me thoughtful, sensitive and respectful advice. But for the others, go suck an egg, please and thanks.


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## yet another intj (Feb 10, 2013)

Mostly Harmless said:


> Don't talk to me again.


My pleasure.


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## Death Persuades (Feb 17, 2012)

You are seriously asking if what you already knew might happen happened should offend you? He's on ssri's for fuck's sake. Not everything revolves around you. He's not interested in sex because his libido is low. Don't try making the situation about you and how he's "no longer interested" when you know very well it's the medication. Finally, if sex is the only way you can feel loved... You might wanna go see a counselor or something, as relationships are way much more than just having sex.


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## Mostly Harmless (Oct 16, 2011)

[No message]


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## Death Persuades (Feb 17, 2012)

Mostly Harmless said:


> a.) The subject in I raised in the OP has already been resolved.


The you should have asked for the thread to be closed if you didn't want any more opinions.



> b.) Are you usually a dickbag or are you overcompensating for being a male feeler by acting tough on advice threads where people are down and looking for empathetic help?


No, I am being a dick to you because I've been struggling with depression and people like you only make it worse by always making me feel guilty that I can't live up to their expectations anymore. You should be thinking about him, not your fucking sex life.



> c.) Your black and white way of addressing things makes you look simpleminded.


Lol, read your first post again and then get back to me about black and white thinking. 



> To other people who want to offer their two cents, especially without reading all the way through and/or being woefully incapable of understanding emotional nuance, DON'T BOTHER.


Most people don't read all the way through. Welcome to the internet.


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## Mostly Harmless (Oct 16, 2011)

Diligent Procrastinator said:


> No, I am being a dick to you because I've been struggling with depression and people like you only make it worse by always making me feel guilty that I can't live up to their expectations anymore. You should be thinking about him, not your fucking sex life.


Wow, nice job trying to shame me with your own condition. If you'd actually read my posts without looking for ways to make me the bad guy, you'd have realized that I'm the one who pushed my boyfriend to get professional help for his condition because his health and happiness are important to me. Of course, I recognize the toll his condition takes on him. That doesn't make my own feelings and desires unimportant or irrelevant. I made this thread trying to seek out ways to express those feelings WITHOUT making him feel inordinately guilty or unloved or unworthy.

Newsflash: I've been depressed too. While I recognize that people deal with their mood disorders differently, I wasn't a dick to people on the internet (or anywhere else) because of it. Your condition is no excuse for bad behavior. Shaming me isn't going to change that.


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## Death Persuades (Feb 17, 2012)

Mostly Harmless said:


> Wow, nice job trying to shame me with your own condition. If you'd actually read my posts without looking for ways to make me the bad guy, you'd have realized that I'm the one who pushed my boyfriend to get professional help for his condition because his health and happiness are important to me. Of course, I recognize the toll his condition takes on him. That doesn't make my own feelings and desires unimportant or irrelevant. I made this thread trying to seek out ways to express those feelings WITHOUT making him feel inordinately guilty or unloved or unworthy.
> 
> Newsflash: I've been depressed too. While I recognize that people deal with their mood disorders differently, I wasn't a dick to people on the internet (or anywhere else) because of it. Your condition is no excuse for bad behavior. Shaming me isn't going to change that.


I wasn't trying to shame anybody. I was simply being unabashedly honest. What came to mind was typed by my fingers.


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## Silverdawn (Jun 28, 2014)

A lot of people here seem to struggle with depression. I've been severely depressed for years myself.

I have to mention that depression and sometimes the medication used to numb the bad thinking and feeling can cause a lot of apathy. A lot of things can be less enjoyable to someone really depressed. I've often been unable to hold attention towards things I enjoy for a long time. It's not the fault of anyone, it's simply how depression affects the mind.

Please don't be too upset about detractors. You had feelings and concerns about something that you didn't really know how to deal with. You actually took the time to learn about it and most importantly, you had a serious discussion with your boyfriend and managed to fix the situation. It'll benefit the both of you in the long run. I know how important it is to be able to have that kind of exchange and relationship with your significant other so I only have praise for you. I wish I had someone as dedicated as you trying to explain the situation and do everything they could to keep a good thing going.

Like I said, if you have concerns or questions, seeing a professional can be really beneficial. They would help you learn more about what your partner is dealing with and give you advice on how to best support them. Like I said, I wish I had that option myself in the past. If your boyfriend is seeing someone already, you could even go to an appointment with him. His therapist/doctor would be glad to see you. I had a few appointments where my mother was invited as well.

I wish you luck with this. If all goes well, it'll make your relationship with your SO even stronger. 

You can PM a mod/admin if you want to close this thread. Here's a list of them : Show Groups - PersonalityCafe Include a clear subject like "Please close my thread" so they can respond to you as quickly as possible.


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## 66393 (Oct 17, 2013)

If I were him I would be taking _this_ personally. You do realize he's struggling with depression..? You seem to be worried about the sensual part of the relationship. Now is not a time for you to be there sexually for him, be there to emotionally support him. Possibly the worst thing you can do is make this about you. 

I know you have good intentions... And things like this aren't always fair. Your relationship with grow stronger if you both pull through it, guaranteed. There is always something to be learned in even the worst of situations. For you, this is that sex isn't and shouldn't be the driving force in a relationship. 

P.S. I read the majority of the posts on this thread. I am highly sensitive, and I know it's easy to get offended with what some people say. Instead, be thankful they gave an opinion, whether it was good or bad, forthright or gushy, they all put there opinions there to help you and/or share their knowledge. Sometimes these opinions may come off rude, but that doesn't mean they weren't trying to help. Be thankful rather than abrasive -- you will learn more and gain friends rather than adversaries.


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## Mostly Harmless (Oct 16, 2011)

Silverdawn said:


> A lot of people here seem to struggle with depression. I've been severely depressed for years myself.
> 
> I have to mention that depression and sometimes the medication used to numb the bad thinking and feeling can cause a lot of apathy. A lot of things can be less enjoyable to someone really depressed. I've often been unable to hold attention towards things I enjoy for a long time. It's not the fault of anyone, it's simply how depression affects the mind.
> 
> ...


Thank you for taking the time and effort to read the thread and for understanding where I was coming from. <3

Yes, things are good between my boyfriend and me now. As it turns out, sex wasn't the only issue in the beginning; what it boiled down to was a communication issue. Because my boyfriend's meds make him less anxious, they also make him less concerned about things that he would previously react to very sensitively. So we had to recalibrate how we communicate and with what intensity we communicate, taking the meds and their effects into account. 

And yeah, sex is one of the ways we communicate along with conversation, body language, affectionate touching, actions, etc. I feel like this is something many people forget, that sex and communication aren't two separate things in an LTR. So it's been frustrating for me to deal with that in this thread, especially those who seem to think that I'm some kind of heartless, sexually objectifying fiend.

The good news is that when my boyfriend and I communicate well (which we are right now) there is really nothing like it in the world. All the misunderstandings and conflicts in this thread really helped me to appreciate the quality of our communication. There is no one else in the world who will get it the way he gets it or accept and love the parts of me that rub other people the wrong way. 

And he's doing so much better so quickly ... and that makes me really happy.


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## Siggy (May 25, 2009)

thread closed, OPs request


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