# Feeling Miserable for Various Reasons - Could Use Advic



## BroNerd (Nov 27, 2010)

Enxu said:


> You have been dating your current gf for 7 whole months. From what I read, you have NEVER communicated with her about her personality problems and she probably has no clue that her behaviour is making you feel miserable - that makes you responsible for your feelings too. If you have been in a steady relationship with her, those problems should long have been addressed and a resolution should have been sought out.
> 
> Do you have any clue why she is "bossy control freak"? Is it a part of who she is, or is she acting out some internal issues? Is she aware of her problems and seeking to work it out, or is she in denial of who she is and how she is treating others? Her problems can only be resolved if she makes the effort to do so, but you must start the process by at least trying to understand what's going on rather than just keeping quiet and praying that everything works out. Such things don't change unless there is communication and compromise by both sides.
> 
> ...


I've already told her about many of the personality problems that have bothered me and she has done the same with me. We are definitely in constant communication about that. A resolution has been sought out. She knows my concerns. She knows I'm beginning to doubt our compatibility. I almost broke up with her last week over a big fight but we talked things out and decided to keep on with it.


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## BroNerd (Nov 27, 2010)

Swede said:


> Do you see yourself marrying a person based on strong physical attraction? If not, then you know what to do.
> 
> 
> The rest of my post still stands, ESPECIALLY the way you are behaving towards your GF, her reaction to it, and you taking that as a confirmation that SHE is being 'difficult'. Seriously, she deserves better. Try some empathy.
> ...


Oh my God, I'm sorry. We have had our fair share of issues :/
Issues which have been discussed. I'm aware that I also have been at fault.
We both have apologized for the bad things we have done.

I know I probably deserve to die alone.


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## BroNerd (Nov 27, 2010)

If I decide that the best thing is to break up with my girlfriend, what's the best way to go about it?
I'm beginning to be convinced that if I am losing my emotional attraction to my gf, that I should break up with her 
It's going to be tough though and I'm terribly confused. Would I regret letting her go?
I do care for her but I'm not sure if I'd want to marry her.
We discussed many of these issues. I almost broke up with her last week after a big fight. However, we talked things out instead and agreed to work on the issues. 

I'm horribly confused.


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## xdae (May 14, 2015)

BroNerd said:


> If I decide that the best thing is to break up with my girlfriend, what's the best way to go about it?
> I'm beginning to be convinced that if I am losing my emotional attraction to my gf, that I should break up with her
> It's going to be tough though and I'm terribly confused. Would I regret letting her go?
> I do care for her but I'm not sure if I'd want to marry her.
> ...


Firstly, getting into a relationship means commitment. That means loving someone even through harsh times and through their faults. If you feel like she's not worth the effort then leave her. If you feel like she's worth keeping then try to work things out. Usually the proper method is to try to work things out first and then leave if things don't change.

If you do choose to leave her then don't do it on the phone like you did before. Do it in person like a proper human being. Be prepared to tell her why and be prepared to say no to her. To help prepare yourself, I'd say list down examples of times when your girlfriend's behavior upset you and use it to help explain your reasoning.

As for regret, you would probably feel some initial guilt and loneliness. Though it shouldn't last for more than 2-3 weeks. ENTPs are usually good at moving on from past relationships.

Best of luck on whatever you decide to do.


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## Enxu (Dec 14, 2012)

BroNerd said:


> If I decide that the best thing is to break up with my girlfriend, what's the best way to go about it?
> I'm beginning to be convinced that if I am losing my emotional attraction to my gf, that I should break up with her
> It's going to be tough though and I'm terribly confused. Would I regret letting her go?
> I do care for her but I'm not sure if I'd want to marry her.
> ...


Do it slowly. Best way is to hear her out after breaking the bad news and let her know you understand what she is going through. Let her know that this relationship's failure is not her fault and that she deserves to be loved, its just that you were not the person for her. Confess that both of you have issues and can learn from this failure and improve from this. Let her see that this relationship was an experience that is beneficial for both of you in the long term and that you did treasure the time you spent with her. 

Sorry if I sounded very harsh earlier on, I felt that you were pushing blame because after 7 months, you were still complaining about the other party's problems which could have been resolved along the way (either through compromise or self improvement) Also relationship problems are seldom the fault of one party, both contribute to the problems and thus the way you complained about your gf was off-putting (not saying that the complaints were invalid but that you were not reflecting on your role in the problems). Not to mention that you probably started a relationship with her without really knowing what it meant or whether she would really be compatible and went on to sleep with her (which creates bonding hormones in females) and makes it more difficult for everyone when the relationship doesn't work out. 

Well, hopefully everything ends peacefully. Rather than an abrupt breakup, its better to do it slowly so that the impact doesn't seem that big to her.


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## BroNerd (Nov 27, 2010)

xdae said:


> Firstly, getting into a relationship means commitment. That means loving someone even through harsh times and through their faults. If you feel like she's not worth the effort then leave her. If you feel like she's worth keeping then try to work things out. Usually the proper method is to try to work things out first and then leave if things don't change.
> 
> If you do choose to leave her then don't do it on the phone like you did before. Do it in person like a proper human being. Be prepared to tell her why and be prepared to say no to her. To help prepare yourself, I'd say list down examples of times when your girlfriend's behavior upset you and use it to help explain your reasoning.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your advice. I guess I'm still trying to decide whether it's worth the effort to be honest. We are in the working things out stage but I'm still not sure. Sometimes I feel like we don't have much in common.


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## BroNerd (Nov 27, 2010)

Enxu said:


> Do it slowly. Best way is to hear her out after breaking the bad news and let her know you understand what she is going through. Let her know that this relationship's failure is not her fault and that she deserves to be loved, its just that you were not the person for her. Confess that both of you have issues and can learn from this failure and improve from this. Let her see that this relationship was an experience that is beneficial for both of you in the long term and that you did treasure the time you spent with her.
> 
> Sorry if I sounded very harsh earlier on, I felt that you were pushing blame because after 7 months, you were still complaining about the other party's problems which could have been resolved along the way (either through compromise or self improvement) Also relationship problems are seldom the fault of one party, both contribute to the problems and thus the way you complained about your gf was off-putting (not saying that the complaints were invalid but that you were not reflecting on your role in the problems). Not to mention that you probably started a relationship with her without really knowing what it meant or whether she would really be compatible and went on to sleep with her (which creates bonding hormones in females) and makes it more difficult for everyone when the relationship doesn't work out.
> 
> Well, hopefully everything ends peacefully. Rather than an abrupt breakup, its better to do it slowly so that the impact doesn't seem that big to her.


Thank you for your advice. I know I'm definitely at fault for many things. I just didn't bring it up in this thread. I've been too impatient with her. English isn't her first language. She has lived in China most of her life. I feel like she sometimes pushes her worldview on me, but I suppose I've done the same at times. I should have been more understanding and less snarky with her. I probably should have made more of an effort to make sure the relationship is strong. Sometimes, she overwhelms me. However, I imagine I probably come across as cold much of the time. I should have been more open about issues earlier on. I should have been less critical. I guess, as I got to know her, I began to see more of the differences... As we both began to open up more about things and be honest with one another.

I will definitely take your advice with regards how to go about a breakup - if that's what I think should be done rather than continuing to work through our issues.


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