# Do ISTJ'S hid their feelings?



## nicano (Nov 10, 2014)

I know ISTJ's have internal emotions but do the hid behind them when they are hurt?


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## jamaix (Sep 20, 2013)

Are you asking if we mask or hide our feelings when we are hurt?

If that is what you are asking, I would say that is not always the case for me. However, several things factor into it for me. Who hurt my feelings (family member, close friend, casual acquaintance) and the circumstances. I think sometimes people assume we don't get our feelings hurt, or that we are hiding them, when really we are processing them. Thinking before we react. Assessing what is an appropriate response. Especially when we aren't around those who we are really close to. Even then, most of the time I try to think before I react. So often it really isn't a matter of hiding my feelings, it is just trying to make sure they are appropriate. I hate having to go back and apologize or fix things, because I overreacted.


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## chanteuse (May 30, 2014)

nicano said:


> I know ISTJ's have internal emotions but do the hid behind them when they are hurt?


I believe they do, not intentionally perhaps.

My brother is ISTJ married to an ENFP, his polar opposite. Let's just say it's not a happy union. Often I walked in seeing him stone faced. But I knew he's upset at something.

One of my best friends I used to date is an ISTJ. He's gregarious and courteous in social setting. He's more emotionally expressive talking to me because he feels safe doing so but at work place and at home he's stoic.


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## sleepingnereid (Oct 31, 2014)

i think they do, also frequently not completely aware of them themselves


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## nicano (Nov 10, 2014)

Do they hid them from close friends to save face in a emotional situation?


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## Mair (Feb 17, 2014)

According to my experiences they hide their emotions a lot, they're also often really quiet people and it's hard to read them . When they get hurt they usually want to talk to no one about it. 
In my opinion ISTJ is actually the most introverted type.


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## jcal (Oct 31, 2013)

nicano said:


> I know ISTJ's have internal emotions but do the hid behind them when they are hurt?





chanteuse said:


> I believe they do, not intentionally perhaps...





Mair said:


> According to my experiences they hide their emotions a lot...


Perhaps @_chanteuse_ is closest to my take on the subject, but I still don't think that "hide" is the correct word. To be "hiding" them, by definition it HAS to be intentional. In my case there is never any intent to obscure my emotions from others. They just exist in a place that has no direct channel to my outer observable self. I'm not "suppressing" or intentionally hiding them in any way at all. 

For me, the full range of emotions certainly exist, but rather than being expressed in some physical manner, they're "released" internally as additional data for Te to analyze and become part of a logical response to the cause of the emotion, with the ultimate goal being to either eliminate the cause of the the bad emotions or perpetuate the cause of the good ones. We're often criticized for always wanting to "fix" problems but, to me, there is nothing else to do BUT fix the problem... trying to "comfort" someone instead of fixing the cause of a bad emotion is just as ridiculous as trying to physically comfort someone who had a heavy weight smash their foot without first removing the weight off their foot. Just doesn't make sense. Certainly, when I'm the one under emotional stress, I do NOT want to be "comforted"... just help me fix the damned problem that's causing the stress (but give me the opportunity to figure out what that is first)!

The other side of my emotions needing to be analyzed in a cause/effect manner is that it is impossible for me to discuss them in terms of the emotion itself. I CAN'T tell you what I FEEL... the vocabulary needed to do that just does not exist. I need to analyze things first (that's usually the cause of that blank stare), and once I've reached a conclusion, I can tell you what I THINK... typically in the form of an action plan. By that time, the emotion has served its purpose and there is no longer any need or value in dealing with the emotion itself. It's done its job... it's over... time to move on. There is some variation on how readily I am willing to discuss things based on the level of trust I have in the other person but, even then, "opening up" means that I can tell you WHAT it was that I did/didn't like and WHY I did/didn't like it, but still not about how it made me "feel".


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## lightwing (Feb 17, 2013)

jcal said:


> For me, the full range of emotions certainly exist, but rather than being expressed in some physical manner, they're "released" internally as additional data for Te to analyze and become part of a logical response to the cause of the emotion, with the ultimate goal being to either eliminate the cause of the the bad emotions or perpetuate the cause of the good ones. We're often criticized for always wanting to "fix" problems but, to me, there is nothing else to do BUT fix the problem... trying to "comfort" someone instead of fixing the cause of a bad emotion is just as ridiculous as trying to physically comfort someone who had a heavy weight smash their foot without first removing the weight off their foot. Just doesn't make sense.


This.

Caveat for me, sometimes I find it easier to abandon analyzing to understand and fix, and try to forget about it hoping it goes away. Not saying this is the right thing to do, healthy, or even an ISTJ thing, just something I do in some situations.

jcal's description, for me in most situation, describes my thought process too.


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## Unfey (Apr 8, 2013)

Unlike us, ISTJs do not often feel compelled to share their feelings. In a sense, they "hide" their feelings, but that's not such a bad thing for them as it is for us. When INFPs (most feeling types actually) do not express their feelings on a regular basis, or when feeling types feel that their feelings are not known or understood, they become upset, depressed, lonely, misunderstood, and desperate. When ISTJs do not express their feelings on a regular basis, they experience no such side effects. 

It's important for everyone to feel like their feelings matter, and are respected. However, not everyone needs to talk about their feelings all the time. ISTJs especially are very task-oriented and fact-oriented people, and they prefer to feel productive in their work, and safe and stable in their relationships. When an ISTJ feels that you are plumbing the depths of his feelings, especially when he sees it as unnecessary and uncalled for, he might become extremely uncomfortable. When an ISTJ feels that you are exposing too much of your own feelings to him, he might become extremely uncomfortable.

There's a difference between hiding something, and choosing not to reveal something. ISTJs hide their feelings the same way your skin hides your organs-- while it's nice to know that they're there, and that they're functioning properly, it's probably healthier and a lot more comfortable to keep them inside and not show them off or pass them around to your friends.

It's not really _hiding_, per se. It's just a different way of focusing energy.


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## Unfey (Apr 8, 2013)

jcal said:


> ....I still don't think that "hide" is the correct word. To be "hiding" them, by definition it HAS to be intentional. In my case there is never any intent to obscure my emotions from others. They just exist in a place that has no direct channel to my outer observable self. I'm not "suppressing" or intentionally hiding them in any way at all.
> .......
> 
> The other side of my emotions needing to be analyzed in a cause/effect manner is that it is impossible for me to discuss them in terms of the emotion itself. I CAN'T tell you what I FEEL... the vocabulary needed to do that just does not exist. I need to analyze things first (that's usually the cause of that blank stare), and once I've reached a conclusion, I can tell you what I THINK... typically in the form of an action plan. By that time, the emotion has served its purpose and there is no longer any need or value in dealing with the emotion itself. It's done its job... it's over... time to move on. There is some variation on how readily I am willing to discuss things based on the level of trust I have in the other person but, even then, "opening up" means that I can tell you WHAT it was that I did/didn't like and WHY I did/didn't like it, but still not about how it made me "feel".


This is pretty much what I'm talking about. There's a big difference between hiding something and not expressing it.


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## niss (Apr 25, 2010)

I agree with @jcal and @lightwing.

We aren't seeking to hide our emotions or feelings, but we don't really trust emotions as part of a logical decision making process. Yes, we feel very deeply, but we try to isolate that from the logic of deducing whatever is going on around us. To others, it might appear that we are trying to hide our emotions because we are reserved and tend to be stoic, but the reality is that we just don't like emotions and feelings intruding on our logic.

There are upsides and downsides to this, to be sure.


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## nicano (Nov 10, 2014)

What can be said to a ISTJ to make them hear, even when they have given up on a friendship, though deep down inside they didn't want to but it seems to be the logical thing to do?


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## jamaix (Sep 20, 2013)

nicano said:


> What can be said to a ISTJ to make them hear, even when they have given up on a friendship, though deep down inside they didn't want to but it seems to be the logical thing to do?


I'm not entirely sure I can give you the answer you want, without a little more to go on, but I'll try. 
I am pretty forgiving of most things *if your actions *indicate you are sorry and you are putting forth demonstrable effort to avoid a repeat. I do appreciate an apology, and not the type where someone says I'm really sorry but if you hadn't done X it would not have happened. This type of apology is insincere to me. Also, if someone has repeatedly wronged me, it may take them showing me a pattern of change before I am ready to accept that they are truly sorry.
Not sure if this is what you were looking for or not.


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## nicano (Nov 10, 2014)

Well I know ISTJ'S have a elephant's memory when it comes to recounting wrongs. Being INFP I feel so deeply and it never occurred to me that people aren't motivated or act on feeling. I didn't discover who she was until learning about her personality. What she said and her actions seemed contradictory. How do I explain that?


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## jamaix (Sep 20, 2013)

nicano said:


> Well I know ISTJ'S have a elephant's memory when it comes to recounting wrongs. Being INFP I feel so deeply and it never occurred to me that people aren't motivated or act on feeling. I didn't discover who she was until learning about her personality. What she said and her actions seemed contradictory. How do I explain that?


Well, I can't speak for all ISTJ's but I do admit to having a long memory. I don't usually forget when someone has wronged me, but if they seem genuinely sorry I am usually more than willing to forgive. I do feel things deeply, but I don't like to base how I act upon my feelings. I believe that feelings can deceive us. It is my belief that acting upon my feelings, can lead to a poor decision. Without more information, I really can't comment upon why her actions seem contradictory. Do you mean contradictory to what you know about ISTJ's? Are you questioning whether she is an ISTJ?


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## nicano (Nov 10, 2014)

Her actions are contradictory, in regards to being a woman. Sometimes as women we want you to read between the lines. Like saying, "I hate you!" Even acting it out but really we want someone to fight for us, showing they really care or want the friendship. We have gone through so much. I think I have exhausted the friendship. I have tried to reconcile several times. In the past we would work things out but now when she sees me she avoids me. Even going to the point of leaving a function immediately if she saw me. Before I would chase after her and work it out but I didn't do it the last several times she did that. I thought that she did it for attention. Thinking I would do what I did in the past. I didn't mention that she was a possessive friend. She always felt threaten that I would replace her or someone else would really like me and we'd get close. I have alot of friends but can only be a close friend to 1 person at a time. I met another ISTJ and we became friends and she wouldn't even acknowledge my new ISTJ friend when there in the same breathing space but she will acknowledge her son. Does that sound like point of no return?


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## Infermiera (Mar 2, 2012)

Huh, that may not be always the case. Most times, my ISTJ mother and brother are just having trouble expressing how they feel. With my brother, I have to ask him several questions which are mostly met with "I don't know", "yes", or "no" to figure out what he's feeling and trying to tell me. With my mom, I usually encourage her to tell me if something is bothering so that I will be able to do something about it. With the ISTJ's in my life, I find that you have to pry stuff out of them but no because they are intentionally trying to hide them, they just don't know what to say.


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## jamaix (Sep 20, 2013)

nicano said:


> Her actions are contradictory, in regards to being a woman. Sometimes as women we want you to read between the lines. Like saying, "I hate you!" Even acting it out but really we want someone to fight for us, showing they really care or want the friendship.



I am probably not the best ISTJ woman to give you advice then, because I don't really understand this. I don't tend to read between the lines very well. If someone tells me they hate me, I'm going to assume they mean it. Probably why I often have troubles figuring out some women. I'm not good at interpreting these kind of things. I take things pretty literally.




nicano said:


> Does that sound like point of no return?


Possibly. To me it sounds like the friendship requires an awful lot of work and interpretation. I may not represent most ISTJ women, but I could see me pulling away just because it is too much work to maintain. I am not at all clingy or possessive, so I can't relate to that either. I personally prefer low maintenance friendships. 

Hopefully there are some ISTJ women who can relate to what you are going through and can offer you some useful advice.


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## lightwing (Feb 17, 2013)

nicano said:


> Her actions are contradictory, in regards to being a woman. Sometimes as women we want you to read between the lines. Like saying, "I hate you!" Even acting it out but really we want someone to fight for us, showing they really care or want the friendship.


I think this is a human thing rather than a female thing. I tend to do this with my wife, partly because I'd rather the whole situation just went away, and partly because I think when you help someone to see rather than just jamming it in their face and forcing them to see, it's much more productive.



> We have gone through so much. I think I have exhausted the friendship. I have tried to reconcile several times. In the past we would work things out but now when she sees me she avoids me. Even going to the point of leaving a function immediately if she saw me. Before I would chase after her and work it out but I didn't do it the last several times she did that. I thought that she did it for attention. Thinking I would do what I did in the past. I didn't mention that she was a possessive friend. She always felt threaten that I would replace her or someone else would really like me and we'd get close. I have alot of friends but can only be a close friend to 1 person at a time. I met another ISTJ and we became friends and she wouldn't even acknowledge my new ISTJ friend when there in the same breathing space but she will acknowledge her son. Does that sound like point of no return?


Sounds like there's something going on there that's beyond personality type. ISTJs in general, as far as I can tell, aren't prone to jealousy and insecurity. When I was younger and before we got married, I had a bad habit of exhibiting attitudes like that. I think it was mostly my own poor self confidence rather than a result of my personality.

Sometimes the only thing you can do for someone you care about is let them go and be there to help pick up the pieces afterward if they come back.


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## EccentricSiren (Sep 3, 2013)

My sister is an ISTJ, and I've often envied her ability to hide her feelings. She only shows her feelings if there's really something big upsetting her (like when my brother, who she is really close to, left for university), and then when she does, people take her seriously. If I show my feelings, I always think people are thinking I'm just being a drama queen...AGAIN!
But we had a conversation about it awhile ago. I said that I felt embarrassed that my love interests could always figure out that I liked them, and then she said, "well, at least they don't think you hate them like all of mine do."
None of the other ISTJs I've known have really been big on showing their feelings, either. And while it can be a bit frustrating to those of us who are a bit more expressive, I think it's actually a survival advantage. You're then seen as stoic, rational, professional, and dependable, all good things in the career world, and even in life in general. It's harder to take advantage of someone when you can't figure out what would upset them.


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