# Soc Confessions, Vents, Rages, Purges



## Animal (May 29, 2012)

I invite you to unload anything you desire. 
It can be about issues you feel are related to Social instinct, or anything else on your mind. 
Soc doms may confess, as well as Soc seconds or Soc lasts who feel for any reason that this thread is a good place to unload something. 

~ No topic is off limits. Your own limit is the limit. ~​


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## WardRhiannon (Feb 1, 2012)

If I want to make peace with my childhood abandonment issues, I might have to confront them head on. 

In person. 

I plan to confront my aunt about her disrespecting me at my grandmother's funeral next time I see her, but actually asking my dad why he didn't really want anything to do with me when I was born until I went and made contact with my dad's side of the family. Even now, our relationship is simply saying hi to each other at family gatherings. 

I don't know if saying anything is appropriate, especially since I think he's probably not a very healthy nine. 

But I don't think I can continue ignoring those feelings, especially with the unresolved drama with my aunt.


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## galactic collision (May 1, 2014)

I hate parties where no one really knows everyone else, so they just stick to talking to the one or two people they already know. Get out of your comfort zone. Parties are for socializing! Meet new people!!! Be my friend!!!

on a related note, i went to a bad party yesterday (and was the drunkest one there. don't go to parties if you're only gonna do one shot. go hard or go home. and don't go to parties unless you're actually going to talk to people. and DANCE. why do people not dance at parties in this city???)


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## angelfish (Feb 17, 2011)

justforthespark said:


> I hate parties where no one really knows everyone else, so they just stick to talking to the one or two people they already know. Get out of your comfort zone. Parties are for socializing! Meet new people!!! Be my friend!!!


Haha, I'm sorry, I'm that person! :tongue: I'm usually proud of myself for going at all... already out of my comfort zone by being there... but if you come talk to me then I'll be friendly to you and happy you talked to me  And I do dance! 

As for my own vent: I am a Social 6w7 - sometimes people online make me feel like I am the most superficial type that exists. They don't know me at all and I wish I could not let it make me feel bad. But it does.


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## QueenOfCats (Jan 28, 2011)

angelfish said:


> Haha, I'm sorry, I'm that person! :tongue: I'm usually proud of myself for going at all... already out of my comfort zone by being there... but if you come talk to me then I'll be friendly to you and happy you talked to me  And I do dance!
> 
> As for my own vent: I am a Social 6w7 - sometimes people online make me feel like I am the most superficial type that exists. They don't know me at all and I wish I could not let it make me feel bad. But it does.


I'm a social 6w7, and I feel you! So many people think we're just obsessed with conformity and fitting in.


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## Donovan (Nov 3, 2009)

justforthespark said:


> I hate parties where no one really knows everyone else, so they just stick to talking to the one or two people they already know. Get out of your comfort zone. Parties are for socializing! Meet new people!!! Be my friend!!!
> 
> on a related note, i went to a bad party yesterday (and was the drunkest one there. don't go to parties if you're only gonna do one shot. go hard or go home. and don't go to parties unless you're actually going to talk to people. and DANCE. why do people not dance at parties in this city???)


lol, this reminds me of the other night...


we were at a gay club, and it was slow. is was also apparently the night where drag queens get people to have a dance-off, then buy the best ones a shot. 
at first, it was like being at a 6th grade dance: no one was dancing, they were just all leaning against the lego-like raised platforms around the floor... 
then this guy decides to the whole "drag queen + shot"-thing, but is also kind of a dick, so he tried to pull the person's wig off... and he was of average height, under-average physique, and this queen was friggin' _stacked_. the second time he tried, the performer snatched it back so hard she brought the guy with her, reeling, like he was a rag doll. 
(god i wished she just would've kicked his ass. he deserved it, he needed an ego-downer, and it would have truly, truly made my night, *sigh*... if only)


but i like having people like you around at social-things. i'm always content to keep my own peace and drink, or talk to the people i know--or, if they just seem like "cute" people at their core, i can't help but talk to them--but it's always nice to have a facilitator... or, even just a person who'll bridge that contact, because it's not as if i can't build something up with a stranger, it's just that i have literally 0 inclination to do so. 




angelfish said:


> Haha, I'm sorry, I'm that person! :tongue: I'm usually proud of myself for going at all... already out of my comfort zone by being there... but if you come talk to me then I'll be friendly to you and happy you talked to me  And I do dance!
> 
> As for my own vent: I am a Social 6w7 - sometimes people online make me feel like I am the most superficial type that exists. They don't know me at all and I wish I could not let it make me feel bad. But it does.


awwweeeee, hahahaha... that's so sad... people are stupid though, and simple. i'm not saying you should hold it against them for being that way, but it's good to realize, because then you know that what they think is obviously untrue.  



i don't really have a social-vent, at least not in the enneagram way, i think... sometimes the turnings of things and people seem pointless, like a watered down version of high school, or a diluted sort of formal ball, where we all exist in this area subject to rules that only apply to reality because we willed them to. and then, we turn around and attack each other based off of something that is already a figment of our own imaginations, in an attempt to move up something that... resembles being crowned "queen" at a 6 year old's tea party...? 
this isn't the height of the "social instinct", but it is the petty part that i feel so many people fall into in real life. (maybe: hence my being completely okay to sit back and not engage while at social functions?)


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## d e c a d e n t (Apr 21, 2013)

Donovan said:


> i don't really have a social-vent, at least not in the enneagram way, i think... sometimes the turnings of things and people seem pointless, like a watered down version of high school, or a diluted sort of formal ball, where we all exist in this area subject to rules that only apply to reality because we willed them to. and then, we turn around and attack each other based off of something that is already a figment of our own imaginations, in an attempt to move up something that... resembles being crowned "queen" at a 6 year old's tea party...?
> this isn't the height of the "social instinct", but it is the petty part that i feel so many people fall into in real life. (maybe: hence my being completely okay to sit back and not engage while at social functions?)


Or it could be more that those 6 year old's parties are trying to mirror the "adult" world in the first place.^^;

But yeah.


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## Rose for a Heart (Nov 14, 2011)

This thread needs to come back. I will try to post more often here.

EDIT:
I haven't had a crush in two years. I really believe I have lost myself permanently. Liking and yearning after a guy would define me. I would expose everything to him. I am generally open though, but specially with a guy I liked. They never liked me back. I felt unwanted, repulsive, rotten in every single way, not just physical. I can chalk up all of my issues to romantic rejection. I have hurt myself repeatedly, manipulated people, just wishing any of that could make me lovable. I have never believed I was. I would fall in love one after another, and fall hard. Become obsessed with him. I guess ten years of rejections took a toll on me, I feel dead now. I don't think I am going to get myself back.


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## Dangerose (Sep 30, 2014)

Annoyed that I came back from 3+ months overseas and none of my 'friends' have contacted me to get together 

Granted I haven't done so either but


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## Handsome Dyke (Oct 4, 2012)

Rose for a Heart said:


> This thread needs to come back. I will try to post more often here.
> 
> EDIT:
> I haven't had a crush in two years. I really believe I have lost myself permanently. Liking and yearning after a guy would define me. I would expose everything to him. I am generally open though, but specially with a guy I liked. They never liked me back. I felt unwanted, repulsive, rotten in every single way, not just physical. I can chalk up all of my issues to romantic rejection. I have hurt myself repeatedly, manipulated people, just wishing any of that could make me lovable. I have never believed I was. I would fall in love one after another, and fall hard. Become obsessed with him. I guess ten years of rejections took a toll on me, I feel dead now. I don't think I am going to get myself back.


That's not sx?


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## Rose for a Heart (Nov 14, 2011)

Benty Fagatronicus said:


> That's not sx?


I don't think that's specific to SX, idk. @Animal said we can talk about anything we want to, and I want to see the concerns of other SO firsts also, without purposefully wondering if your vent "sounds like SO or not."


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## Dangerose (Sep 30, 2014)

Rose for a Heart said:


> Liking and yearning after a guy would define me.


I can relate to this a lot. I remember really feeling like this a couple years ago; not being in love - at all - is a terrible feeling.

I had a dream once, in that time period...I had some sort of vision problem, I suppose, in the dream, that made everything dark, it was like it was dark but I could still see...forms and figures, but there was no light, and it was dangerous too, there were crocodiles on the side of the road I couldn't see, I didn't notice when people were having medical problems...at some point I was at the house of my best friend and we were looking for a necklace and she asked me if I'd seen something and I said like "To be honest, I can't see _anything_" and she said "I understand, living alone is like living with a dead person". Which...idk, there's something very visceral and heavy about that dream, the feeling of being able with effort to see but with no light, the day being just like the night, that really feels like...not just living alone, but not having that...not having a sun

Reminds me of this - this was the passage that really made being a 2 click for me (though I think it can apply to 4s also)










edit: Also I'm not typing at so-first right now but I could be and the first post says anyone can post things
Can be hard to divide inner rants by instinct haha
So I will just play it by ear


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## Animal (May 29, 2012)

Rose for a Heart said:


> I don't think that's specific to SX, idk. @*Animal* said we can talk about anything we want to, and I want to see the concerns of other SO firsts also, without purposefully wondering if your vent "sounds like SO or not."


Yes, I agree  Talk about anything your hearts desire! That was my intention with the thread.

Also yeah, romantic feelings are universal, as are sexual feelings; so I agree it's not specific to Sx. It's just human.


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## Stellafera (Jan 19, 2015)

It's funny to me that the Social instinct, out of all of them, is the one that always has really paltry threads. WHAT HAPPENED TO TEAMWORK, SO-DOMS?

I suppose I don't help much, though. When I'm frustrated about stuff I usually rant about it to other people in person and try to hold off on posting stuff online when I feel highly emotional.  Like, earlier today, something happened that I was originally _furious_ about and my opinion completely flipped when I found out some new info. So I don't like venting when I might not even be mad about it a few hours later. 

So, I'll talk about something cheery instead! I got _Torment: Tides of Numenera_ yesterday with the steam sale and am already loving it. I'm trying out playing two saves at once, one with an Indiana Jones-ish adventuring sort and one with a cool-headed and reserved pyschic who lies a _lot_. Being brash and getting myself nearly killed in the first fight with Save 1 actually ended with a better result than the cautious one where I lied my way out of it, which is awesome.


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## Stellafera (Jan 19, 2015)

Rose for a Heart said:


> I haven't had a crush in two years. I really believe I have lost myself permanently. Liking and yearning after a guy would define me. I would expose everything to him. I am generally open though, but specially with a guy I liked. They never liked me back. I felt unwanted, repulsive, rotten in every single way, not just physical. I can chalk up all of my issues to romantic rejection. I have hurt myself repeatedly, manipulated people, just wishing any of that could make me lovable. I have never believed I was. I would fall in love one after another, and fall hard. Become obsessed with him. I guess ten years of rejections took a toll on me, I feel dead now. I don't think I am going to get myself back.


Man, that sucks. Maybe try to throw yourself into a new hobby? I always feel the cloud of negativity lift when I do something I can be proud of to replace the feelings. Plus, it might help you define yourself as attractive irrespective of relationships.

That's probably obvious though, so otherwise, best of luck to you on working through the introspection.


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## Dangerose (Sep 30, 2014)

Trying to bring more of my venting business here so the thread will perk up)

I'm always torn - or maybe that's not the right word, it's two sides of the same coin maybe - well, lately I've been reading books about Paris and about African exploration, and these two things are things I want so much. 

I want to live in a world like...Proust's Paris, la Belle Epoque or what you like - where the world is so small...and so structured...feels like really being alive in a way I don't feel where I am...because it's clear whose opinion counts in a way...your reputation is what the people of your city understand about you...that and some other things I don't want to say. 

But I also want...I darkest Africa, the high seas, the edge of the world...I used to have a title for myself (I mean, just an alternate name or...I have things like that) "Lady of Australia", Australia meaning Antarctica because it used to be called that and because...not sure how to explain.

The Africa thing is the opposite from the city thing in a way...the place where the world is so large...standing right in front of reality, desolation and loneliness that's almost spiritual...but I think they are similar...in both cases there are...secrets to be discovered, things to be accomplished, conquests to be made, real conflicts that matter...and some measure of reality, being alive, that I feel that I miss.


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## Rose for a Heart (Nov 14, 2011)

I always focus on what's missing on me, and I have to confess that I have a strange jealousy of those who are SX primary. I feel like if it were _my _neurotic focus, I would have the sensitivity and attunement to attraction enough to BE attractive. That I wouldn't have run out of passion like I did in the last 2 years. Maybe I would know what love feels like and wouldn't have given up on it so easily. I _really, really_ envy them. Maybe I am romanticizing it, I don't know.


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## Vive (Nov 11, 2013)

Stellafera said:


> I suppose I don't help much, though. *When I'm frustrated about stuff I usually rant about it to other people in person and try to hold off on posting stuff online when I feel highly emotional*.  Like, earlier today, something happened that I was originally _furious_ about and my opinion completely flipped when I found out some new info. So I don't like venting when I might not even be mad about it a few hours later.


THIS. When I get emotional I'd rather isolate myself, well that is of course in retrospect. If I vent, to anyone or over here, I can pretty much assure you that I will regret whatever it is I've shared. I've found it annoying to no end to share whatever was weighing me down only to discover that I'm not really bothered by it anymore only hours later. When alone I want to talk to somebody and explain it all, when with someone I want to be alone and feel dissatisfied with talking about it. I feel rejected by those around me and well... the list of things that bother me then goes on and on.

On the other hand I know that timing is also of essence. In order to really have a good conversation, timing needs to be right too. I am aware that those important to me care about what I have to share. In the heat of the moment all I often want to do is get right of that very bad feeling I am having, which causes me to scrutinize myself and I drag others into that black hole too. It would be useful if will just sit with the feeling and gut it out, because it dissipates so quickly regardless. For someone who likes to analyze things and observes more than I am active in this area I am surprisingly impulsive. It seems kind of paradoxical, really: thinking about something, yet becoming more impulsive. Not really acting upon these impulses makes for a world of difference. Of course repression is also not good, I do that plenty already, but like I said it's about timing. I know at the peak of my 'this is shit' state of mind, I'm not going to be much fun for anyone, why not just accept that and sit with it for a bit and talk about things when you feel better and more assured?

So here, I posted a 'vent', made the thread a little bit more active, but without actually doing it in the middle of my bout of frustration, so I'd guess it is a win for me this time. =D



> So, I'll talk about something cheery instead! I got _Torment: Tides of Numenera_ yesterday with the steam sale and am already loving it. I'm trying out playing two saves at once, one with an Indiana Jones-ish adventuring sort and one with a cool-headed and reserved pyschic who lies a _lot_. Being brash and getting myself nearly killed in the first fight with Save 1 actually ended with a better result than the cautious one where I lied my way out of it, which is awesome.


Oh.. the steam summer sale, even though I know exactly why they hold the summer sale, I still fall into the trap of overbuying. This time I'm not really planning on buying anything, I have a plethora of unplayed games, as I really bought way too much crap and I have started gaming considerably less since I'm in university. I've never heard of that game though, it sounds interesting, might just look it up sometime soon.


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## Rose for a Heart (Nov 14, 2011)

I will also try to post more of my confessions here, although I feel self-conscious for some reason more on this thread :/

The medication I have been taking has probably fucked me up more instead of helping me.


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## Rose for a Heart (Nov 14, 2011)

Spilling my guts out on this one. Very nervous, but oh well, I need to let it out. Maybe there are others who are going through something similar and they will be glad I brought it out in the open.

I have been very depressed the last couple of years. I know I have said that before but - still, just making sure. Being on the SX thread made me incredibly jealous because I don't know if there's something wrong with my sexuality. *I can't know because I have never been in an intimate situation with someone I want and like*. I don't feel sexual feelings without liking him, I don't really understand having sexual feelings without liking someone. And I don't randomly develop feelings for friends either; I have to be attracted to him from the very beginning. I barely masturbate, in fact it's very little. I have been in sexual situations, because I was drunk, or just messing around or something - with guys I didn't like and wasn't as attracted to. This was because I have been curious what *it* feels like, but I didn't feel anything because I wasn't into them. I am certain I would feel all the right feelings - including sexual - if I were in the right situation with the right person. I get obsessed easily, in fact I find someone after I am over the last one - I can't _not _do that. That is, except for the last two years since I have been very depressed. But I don't suddenly have sexual feelings just by looking at someone I like. He can trigger it even by touching me, but, that doesn't usually happen because no one fucking wants me (and I may block it out because he doesn't want me and feeling *it* is futile). I don't know if I have a block on my sexuality because I feel that boys are repulsed by me. There's this desperation inside that reeks and they are turned off. That and my constant obsession with my physical appearance because of a medical thing I have. I have always assumed I had a pretty normal sex drive, does this all mean it's screwed up and low for me? I can't tell, because I have 0 experience. 

I just, feel really hopeless about it all. Yearning after someone all the time really destroyed me, and now that it's not there, I want it back. Is it that I am just naive and inexperienced or have I been permanently fucked up because I never grew up feeling desirable or lovable? 

This post was really difficult for me to write. 

Edit: I don't think it's low for me, I just haven't had the chance to experience it. But other people my age have had the chance to experience it. Does that mean there's something off with me then? I don't know...


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## Rose for a Heart (Nov 14, 2011)

--


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## Dangerose (Sep 30, 2014)

@Rose for a Heart I'm worried, it sounds like you're on a tail-spin, in my opinion I think you need something to reverse the energy flow...I think Stellafera suggested taking up a new activity or interest, I think that's a good idea.

I think if you zoom out you'll see that things aren't as bleak as you are seeing them right now, I think maybe breaking the pattern you're in is a good idea. I don't know enough about you or your habits etc to make a good suggestion but for me I find a new interest (personally I like musicals), even just reading a book, or doing something that gets you out and about, getting more input than what you're feeding yourself is a good idea...take an evening class or start bird-watching or drawing and do it outside, that kind of thing, or what you like - in my experience even stupid, tiny or difficult things can help to break a pattern and get you back on the right path


I have a ritual for when I'm feeling at my absolute worst, like i can't even hold onto the day; I drink tea with milk and buttered toast and read the Jeeves and Wooster stories...it's nice to have a ritual, it's a pleasnt activity and when I feel so terrible I don't know what to do...there's something to do

And don't underestimate the value of eating lots of fruits and vegetables and getting enouhg fresh air and such! I'm always shocked at how much it can change things

Hope you don't see this as presumptuous; just that if any of these suggestions help at all...think the problems you're talking about...they're things that might well resolve themselves in time, they really will, but while you're waiting for that, try to have fun :watermelon:


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## Rose for a Heart (Nov 14, 2011)

The Night's Queen said:


> @*Rose for a Heart* I'm worried, it sounds like you're on a tail-spin, in my opinion I think you need something to reverse the energy flow...I think Stellafera suggested taking up a new activity or interest, I think that's a good idea.
> 
> I think if you zoom out you'll see that things aren't as bleak as you are seeing them right now, I think maybe breaking the pattern you're in is a good idea. I don't know enough about you or your habits etc to make a good suggestion but for me I find a new interest (personally I like musicals), even just reading a book, or doing something that gets you out and about, getting more input than what you're feeding yourself is a good idea...take an evening class or start bird-watching or drawing and do it outside, that kind of thing, or what you like - in my experience even stupid, tiny or difficult things can help to break a pattern and get you back on the right path
> 
> ...


I have been waiting for things to "resolve themselves" for a really long time...and it just feels less painful to give up. I have been reading this book, that's apparently meant to help people who are depressed, but...I don't know, I lost interest. I know I need to do it but. It's just, I have never felt good in my life! I have always been like this. I don't see how it's going to get better. I see how people stay depressed for years, hoping that someday it will get better - I feel like I have lost the chance to taste passion and fulfillment really means because of the way I am. I don't know, I have been trying to get better but...I lose everyone in my life. Worse, i am losing myself. It's really sad and tiring.

*sigh* never mind, there's no point. Thanks for responding to me though.
EDIT: nvm, this book seems to be helpful for me, at least a little bit and immediately. It's the only hope I have, honestly. Kind of dangerous to depend on one book though.

I still burn with jealousy enough that I want to rip things. I don't know. I just...I don't know.
I just read something I wrote like last year and I just...oh I am so sick. I am so fucking sick. There's so much...pain. When will this end?!


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## Dangerose (Sep 30, 2014)

@Rose for a Heart I'm so sorry :hugs:

I really do think things will perk up . . . don't give up . . . just a little, quiet faith that there might be something better down the horizon can be enough . . . 

I don't know if I know how you feel but I know that a few years ago I think I would have related to a lot of what you're saying, and I don't have that so much anymore; I'm quite happy now. 

You mentioned jealousy; a few weeks ago my confessor mentioned to me that envy is the cause of a lot of troubles, and that the remedy is being satisfied and loving and believing in the person you are now, being satisfied with the things and situations that you are in . . . with the moment of time you are occupying. Or I am paraphrasing and maybe adding something but that was the gist, it was really interesting advice. I don't know if that advice is applicable to you but I think it can maybe be good to accept the moment, start small and . . . count blessings. But all thought of what could be, the past or future out of your mind, look at the moment you have on hand and find something good.

I sometimes do an exercise,it is enjoyable...when I wake up I open my eyes very slowly, imagining that all I've known is darkness, and slowly become acquainted with colours as if for the first time, and just...being amazed at them. 

It is possible to find joy in the middle of despair, even if everything seems hopeless I'd encourage you to still find joy where you can, in little things, maybe won't make the other problems go away but it'll be something good.Andit opens doors in your mind, doors that can let in other things...like passion. fulfillment, etc

Anyways wishing the best for you :love_heart:


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## Gorgon (Feb 16, 2015)

Subscribing to this thread to better understand the social instinct ^_^


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## Darkbloom (Aug 11, 2013)

Realizing more and more that I'm so...scared of, or disgusted by groups of people, people in groups...not sure how to explain, ever since I was a child.
Especially people I know, people are just so different in groups, even if not in an obviously awful way, it's so awful for me to see, it's like they aren't my people, people that I know anymore.
Or like if someone does something I don't like alone I can handle that, if it's in group it's a thousand times worse, I'll forgive but my gut reaction is to see them as ruined.
And I don't even blame anyone, just...idk.

Is that So-ish because of focus on groups or So last?
6-ish?


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## Rose for a Heart (Nov 14, 2011)

Signorina Misteriosa said:


> Realizing more and more that I'm so...scared of, or disgusted by groups of people, people in groups...not sure how to explain, ever since I was a child.
> Especially people I know, people are just so different in groups, even if not in an obviously awful way, it's so awful for me to see, it's like they aren't my people, people that I know anymore.
> Or like if someone does something I don't like alone I can handle that, if it's in group it's a thousand times worse, I'll forgive but my gut reaction is to see them as ruined.
> And I don't even blame anyone, just...idk.
> ...


Nah, that actually kinda sounds SO-last to me, because you are quick to see and judge the "two-faced" characteristic of the SO instinct. While for a social first, that might be too close to heart to admit. Yeah I am nicer in groups and to people I may not really want to talk to, but I am not really going to say to their face I don't like them. It's my instinctive reaction. One-on-one I don't mind doing that though.


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## Rose for a Heart (Nov 14, 2011)

Trying to come to terms with the fact that I might not get that much better (psychologically) over the course of my life. It's a very depressing thing - but this is who I am I guess. I will always be the "sad" girl. People comment quite a lot about how sad I look, and I don't really realize. I will always have anxiety and obsession but also passion. I will always have moments of sadness; hopefully I get out of this one, I don't know. I will always have moments of panic and wondering if I am better off dead. 

Yeah, sometimes it all just feels too depressing. Initially I thought about it as "oh I have this thing that's messing me up." But this illness will always be a part of me. As long as I live anyway.


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## Stellafera (Jan 19, 2015)

Rose for a Heart said:


> Spilling my guts out on this one. Very nervous, but oh well, I need to let it out. Maybe there are others who are going through something similar and they will be glad I brought it out in the open.
> 
> I have been very depressed the last couple of years. I know I have said that before but - still, just making sure. Being on the SX thread made me incredibly jealous because I don't know if there's something wrong with my sexuality. *I can't know because I have never been in an intimate situation with someone I want and like*. I don't feel sexual feelings without liking him, I don't really understand having sexual feelings without liking someone. And I don't randomly develop feelings for friends either; I have to be attracted to him from the very beginning. I barely masturbate, in fact it's very little. I have been in sexual situations, because I was drunk, or just messing around or something - with guys I didn't like and wasn't as attracted to. This was because I have been curious what *it* feels like, but I didn't feel anything because I wasn't into them. I am certain I would feel all the right feelings - including sexual - if I were in the right situation with the right person. I get obsessed easily, in fact I find someone after I am over the last one - I can't _not _do that. That is, except for the last two years since I have been very depressed. But I don't suddenly have sexual feelings just by looking at someone I like. He can trigger it even by touching me, but, that doesn't usually happen because no one fucking wants me (and I may block it out because he doesn't want me and feeling *it* is futile). I don't know if I have a block on my sexuality because I feel that boys are repulsed by me. There's this desperation inside that reeks and they are turned off. That and my constant obsession with my physical appearance because of a medical thing I have. I have always assumed I had a pretty normal sex drive, does this all mean it's screwed up and low for me? I can't tell, because I have 0 experience.
> 
> ...


Confession time for me too... you are not alone. I'm hoping to try out some sort of romantic relationship in the next few years, but I have met almost nobody that I am... attracted to? I have no sex drive either so it's hard to tell if I'm even using the word the same way others are. And likewise, I feel interested enough in the concept abstractly, but I don't feel anything in my daily life. I remember wondering when I was in my early teens what the hell the whole "you have to teach kids sex ed or otherwise they'll figure it out without protection" thing was about. I was confused that someone would just feel the _need_ to find someone else's genitals and stick them together with their own. It seemed so arbitrary. Now I know what the feeling is like on a _very_ occasional basis (or at least I think I do?) but have nobody to associate it with. I get the sense I'd feel it more often if I had someone to be attracted to. I'd like that, but it seems arcane to navigate when I don't have the same feelings as everyone else to guide me along the process. 

You might want to look into the asexuality spectrum. I think the sex-positive angle that progressive society is going with is great and all, but it kind of leaves people like you and me out in the cold. Like, the "of course women want sex too, everyone wants sex" is very well intentioned, and it works for a lot of people, but not everyone. IMO it's okay to not be like other people. Everyone's abnormal somehow. And forever is a _long_ time.

(Now if I could just listen to my own advice... It's hard when everyone else is saying that love and sex are the bestest most meaningfulest things in the world and love is the language that we all speak and dsjsfsdofo)


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## Rose for a Heart (Nov 14, 2011)

Stellafera said:


> Confession time for me too... you are not alone. I'm hoping to try out some sort of romantic relationship in the next few years, but I have met almost nobody that I am... attracted to? I have no sex drive either so it's hard to tell if I'm even using the word the same way others are. And likewise, I feel interested enough in the concept abstractly, but I don't feel anything in my daily life. I remember wondering when I was in my early teens what the hell the whole "you have to teach kids sex ed or otherwise they'll figure it out without protection" thing was about. I was confused that someone would just feel the _need_ to find someone else's genitals and stick them together with their own. It seemed so arbitrary. Now I know what the feeling is like on a _very_ occasional basis (or at least I think I do?) but have nobody to associate it with. I get the sense I'd feel it more often if I had someone to be attracted to. I'd like that, but it seems arcane to navigate when I don't have the same feelings as everyone else to guide me along the process.
> 
> You might want to look into the asexuality spectrum. I think the sex-positive angle that progressive society is going with is great and all, but it kind of leaves people like you and me out in the cold. Like, the "of course women want sex too, everyone wants sex" is very well intentioned, and it works for a lot of people, but not everyone. IMO it's okay to not be like other people. Everyone's abnormal somehow. And forever is a _long_ time.
> 
> (Now if I could just listen to my own advice... It's hard when everyone else is saying that love and sex are the bestest most meaningfulest things in the world and love is the language that we all speak and dsjsfsdofo)


Thanks for sharing this but,* I am so embarrassed my confession came across that way. That's definitely not how I meant it.* I don't think I am asexual. I have masturbated since I was quite small (embarrassingly), have explored and enjoyed porn, have felt sexual feelings by being physically close to someone I liked. I am definitely _always _attracted to someone (unless I am depressed), and I am certain I would enjoy being sexual with him if he were into me. unfortunately I have never found someone who was attracted to me, so it's never been mutual. Besides for women, I think sexual feelings are more often tied to emotional than it is for men. 

(gosh, I am defending myself on the internet but - I am not asexual, that much I know. Not even close. I really didn't want my vent to come across the wrong way. My main issue is that I have never felt something _mutual_, not that I am do not get attracted to people. On the contrary, I get obsessed easily.)

Thanks for sharing that with me though


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## Stellafera (Jan 19, 2015)

Rose for a Heart said:


> Thanks for sharing this but,* I am so embarrassed my confession came across that way. That's definitely not how I meant it.* I don't think I am asexual. I have masturbated since I was quite small (embarrassingly), have explored and enjoyed porn, have felt sexual feelings by being physically close to someone I liked. I am definitely _always _attracted to someone (unless I am depressed), and I am certain I would enjoy being sexual with him if he were into me. unfortunately I have never found someone who was attracted to me, so it's never been mutual. Besides for women, I think sexual feelings are more often tied to emotional than it is for men.
> 
> Thanks for sharing that with me though


Ah, whelp. I'm no help then. :frustrating: I'm pretty much useless for romantic advice otherwise since everything I know is essentially second-hand.

--

> when you've been out of town for half a week :crazy:

> when you have to go back to work the next day and everything's piled up :bored:


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## Dangerose (Sep 30, 2014)

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## Dangerose (Sep 30, 2014)

Signorina Misteriosa said:


> Realizing more and more that I'm so...scared of, or disgusted by groups of people, people in groups...not sure how to explain, ever since I was a child.
> Especially people I know, people are just so different in groups, even if not in an obviously awful way, it's so awful for me to see, it's like they aren't my people, people that I know anymore.
> Or like if someone does something I don't like alone I can handle that, if it's in group it's a thousand times worse, I'll forgive but my gut reaction is to see them as ruined.
> And I don't even blame anyone, just...idk.
> ...


I agree, so-last
Don't relate, sometimes maybe but sometimes I prefer to have conversations in groups for instance, partly because I like an audience but I also like that...more people can say something
(For example, I really don't like PMing on the Internet...not the same in real life, I like spending time with people one-on-one, but I'm very aware of who else is there usually, if someone new walks into the room it changes everything about the conversation...but I don't feel that people are different in groups

Crowds I like, NYC style crowds, but crowds/groups I'm supposed to be a part of I don't like, remember hating school assemblies so much (well they were also extremely stupid) but also like campfire song scenarios etc, hated camp a lot


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## Dangerose (Sep 30, 2014)

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## Darkbloom (Aug 11, 2013)

Rose for a Heart said:


> Nah, that actually kinda sounds SO-last to me, because you are quick to see and judge the "two-faced" characteristic of the SO instinct. While for a social first, that might be too close to heart to admit. Yeah I am nicer in groups and to people I may not really want to talk to, but I am not really going to say to their face I don't like them. It's my instinctive reaction. One-on-one I don't mind doing that though.





The Night's Queen said:


> I agree, so-last
> Don't relate, sometimes maybe but sometimes I prefer to have conversations in groups for instance, partly because I like an audience but I also like that...more people can say something
> (For example, I really don't like PMing on the Internet...not the same in real life, I like spending time with people one-on-one, but I'm very aware of who else is there usually, if someone new walks into the room it changes everything about the conversation...but I don't feel that people are different in groups


Can also like group conversations, remember here when it comes to typing and such I always felt the more the merrier, people always thought I wanted privacy and it was annoying haha
But also was really into pm-ing in the beginning.

Do like...actually being in groups often, like one of my favorite things in life was that Spanish class I often mention, it was so fun, but that's different. And I mean this isn't about me being in groups anyway 

But like...people are so unavoidably different in groups, even if they aren't really that different, sometimes I can find it really interesting to see, like when I like a guy, real or celebrity or whatever I can like seeing them in all possible contexts and therefore groups too out of curiosity, to know more about them, or like random people I have some interest in too for whatever reason, but it's different with some things.
Or like I hate it so much when people drink in groups, or like smoke weed in groups, it's so disappointing on a visceral level to me, but also just fun that's not drugs and alcohol, a lot of it feels dirty in some way.

(just to be clear, not random people, people close to me or that I like, don't care in the slightest about what random people do)




> Crowds I like, NYC style crowds, but crowds/groups I'm supposed to be a part of I don't like, remember hating school assemblies so much (well they were also extremely stupid) but also like campfire song scenarios etc, hated camp a lot


Same with this though, love crowds, hate that other kind of groups.

Always loved crowds so much, my love for them feels like it could be sp/sx-y I think, it's not about being connected, just feeding off of the energy
(btw does anyone think about being connected though?)

___________________
Actual So confession,even though I'm probably So last

I sometimes comment things on youtube and then am really impatient about the likes, keep checking if I got likes every 2 minutes and if there are no likes after like 10 minutes I often delete the comment 

There's just something so embarrassing and pathetic about seeing a comment without any likes, especially if it looks like it was trying to get noticed, also pointless.

Feel I have many of these things, irl too, not sure how to put it, but I do sometimes doubt So last because I can't say So feels irrelevant to me, and I don't even care about it just for the sake of sp or sx...I really just don't want anyone in the world to think "What a sad comment, just 1 like, she probably liked it herself because she knew no one else would" lol
But maybe So last 2/3 is like that?


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## Dangerose (Sep 30, 2014)

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## d e c a d e n t (Apr 21, 2013)

@*Signorina Misteriosa*
About feeling connected, it's interesting because I didn't even think about that as a thing before, but I feel I've seen so much talk about it on PerC? So I guess some people do think about it. Some people might mean different things about it, though. 

As for likes and such, I wonder... I don't feel "pathetic" for getting no likes usually, but I can get obsessed about them though it feels more... like it's another stimulus in a way. Then again, I could say everything is a stimulus in a way, lol. But like I get so anticipatory for a response once I put something out there, even though likes just for the sake of likes is kind of pointless lol, unless I can do something with them. Like if I actually wanted to be popular it would mean more, but as is it's mostly just momentary gratification.

Btw, do I seem different like that in groups? Curious because it's surprising how I come across sometimes. 

As for how I feel about groups... well, I like one-on-one, but group interactions can be fun as well (it's been a while so hard to say, but...) like it can be entertaining to watch the dynamics, and disappointing when things are "taken to PM" because I want to see, but of course if there's someone I find interesting to talk with I want to get them one on one, but it can be hard to make that happen, even when I seem to hit it off with them they aren't necessarily willing to engage me like that. Also remember one time I did get someone one on one but then they suggested I join this group instead, and I was like oh okay, and tried to make the best of that... :laughing: I'm kind of sad like that lmao.


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## pwowq (Aug 7, 2016)

You should see my mailbox to my bosses. So much "we", rarely any "I"... workplace is a "team effort". I convey info in such manner "I", "me", "mine", "my" cannot be used.

Last mail was about ordering stuff for new rooms. _"Hello. I took the liberty to order X from [company] instead. It might get a few thousand [money] more expensive but we don't have to order, measure and mount X ourselves."_

If I didn't take that chance I would have had to order, measure and mount the Xs and it would have looked decent (but not professional) and taken 2-3 times longer to get done.


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## Handsome Dyke (Oct 4, 2012)

Stellafera said:


> It's funny to me that the Social instinct, out of all of them, is the one that always has really paltry threads. WHAT HAPPENED TO TEAMWORK, SO-DOMS?


My So instinct and participation/social interaction are in a loop. I hold off on posting stuff (and talking IRL) because the outcome is often frustrating, fruitless, angering, demoralizing, and/or depressing, an often desperate means to an end that can never be reached, even when positive. But focusing on all that is what makes me So. So my unsatisfied So instinct then pushes me to try to interact, but thinking about posting makes me remember times I wish I hadn't posted or feeling the need to be so cautious about it in the first place, and that makes me remember that the social milieu is dissatisfying. It's a problem that I cannot solve because I can't change the whole world (the Internet social environment is just a reflection of the broader lack of unity, even the positive aspects of the Internet). 

Not that this thread or forum is particularly bad, it's just that there is a lot of distance between people in general, a lot of wildly different, incompatible ideas, and limited opportunities to reconcile them: some people don't listen, other people don't care, others just lack the experience/imagination to understand others' perspectives. Often I approach threads with the expectation that no one will really understand what I'm talking about.


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## d e c a d e n t (Apr 21, 2013)

About connecting, though, I have considered if that's the best way of describing what I want, but idk because I think there's a lot to connections and I'm not necessarily interested in all of it. But something in particular.

Anyway, don't think I'm a social dominant but I might as well post this here...

I feel like such an extrovert sometimes. Not in a cognitive sense, but I get so addicted to having someone to talk with. And it's a bit ironic because I'm sure there's a lot of cognitive extroverts can't see themselves as such because they're more the other way around. Either way, it's bothersome because I do prefer being more self-contained. Even though I realized a while ago that I wasn't really handling life well on my own, but I felt like if I couldn't do that, it would be best for me to just waste away than having to rely on someone in that way. But then when I finally do end up talking with someone, or be engaged with in some way (I mean, provided it's not just in a boring way), it's like damn, I'm actually enjoying my life now? 

Or at least not feel like I'm dying... I probably could have posted this in the self-pres thread actually, but I don't feel like bringing that back up now.


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## cookie123 (Nov 1, 2016)

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## Stellafera (Jan 19, 2015)

Double post


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## Stellafera (Jan 19, 2015)

I get what you mean @Distortions, it seems like I'm quite a different sort of "introvert" from the "I'm quiet and hate small talk and people" stereotype.

-------

Had fun in my D&D session tonight. The party's monk inadvertently crossed a tightrope suspended 200 feet above a roaring river while not only dodging a javelin attack but catching the javelin mid-air and throwing it down the ravine like a badass. I say inadvertedly because the DM forgot to describe the distance of the monk above the ground until after he reached the other side. Out of sight, out of mind?

On another note, I love abusing my "minor" spell of minor illusion. As an illusion wizard, it allows me to create a still illusion up to 5 ft x 5 ft in size along with a sound effect, if I so choose. I've used it for all sorts of stuff... making a fake crying angel to distract an unintelligent shadow monster, entertaining children at birthday parties, improving the effectiveness of a pit trap by making fake sloping ground near it, sketching people's appearances to show to sheriffs, making a fake slap sound more realistic, and, this session, stopping enemy archers trying to fire through slits










by "boarding up" the wall. Aka me making a fake plank with a hammering sound in the background. "Minor Illusion" is most used spell by far and it's a level 0 infinitely resuable cantrip. :crazy:


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## Stellafera (Jan 19, 2015)

Actual rant this time...

My job has put me under so much pressure for _weeks_ (I've been putting in overtime for a while now because even working 50 hours a week I'm still struggling to just keep my head above water with new tasks) and I've finally worked up the courage to ask my boss about hiring someone part-time to help lighten the load. Fingers crossed... or else I really don't know what I'm going to do with myself.


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## Rose for a Heart (Nov 14, 2011)

I think I am closer to demisexual than sexual. It's been hard for me to accept this and I have been going through some trauma trying to integrate awareness about my sexuality into my consciousness. I absolutely cannot feel physical attraction for someone I don't like. I acknowledge they are attractive, but that doesn't mean I am attracted to them. And sexuality is (apparently) separate from libido and I don't know how low or high my libido is. This is something else that is giving me nightmares. I have been fucking miserable for the last few days, tortured and anxious and even suicidal. What I do know is, the stronger the trust and emotional bond with the guy I like, the better my sexual desire for him. 

When I like someone, I am singularly focused on him and him only, and consumed by the thoughts of him. I don't relate to people who have many crushes at once, it makes me feel like they don't like any of them. I can't do one-night stands (and I have tried), and I can't _not _look for love and "just be happy with your friends," that's absolutely not me either. Those are different types of people I have met in my life, and I don't know, it's hard for me to feel like I belong anywhere I guess.


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## Rose for a Heart (Nov 14, 2011)

I also found out I don't really have an attachment bond to my parents. I mean, I think I knew that on some level and had read on attachment theory a long time ago, and realized there was something off about my relationship to them (or the lack of it). Now I see it. People have always had "love to give" to others, while I am totally self-absorbed asking for more and more but incapable of giving. It's because they have had that secure bond and I don't. I didn't realize how abnormal my relationship to my parents is, until recently. My brother asked if they were "just like strangers" to me, and I say, "of course not, what do you mean?" And then he tells me about how they are special because they are closer than other people to him, and he can share things with them - and no, I have never in my entire life felt that about my parents. Not one single moment that I can remember. I hate sharing things with them, because I don't like making myself vulnerable to them, it's just something I am not used to. I am closer (or seek it desperately) with other people (specifically guys) than I am with them. I wonder if I have always just look for...love that only a parent can give me, but from a guy. I don't know.


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## Dangerose (Sep 30, 2014)

Rose for a Heart said:


> I think I am closer to demisexual than sexual. It's been hard for me to accept this and I have been going through some trauma trying to integrate awareness about my sexuality into my consciousness. I absolutely cannot feel physical attraction for someone I don't like. I acknowledge they are attractive, but that doesn't mean I am attracted to them.


I don't know if this helps or not, but my opinion is that this is the normal state of affairs and in fact a healthier perspective :/ I have no idea why sexual attraction would be divorced from intimacy and love, or why this would be a problem.

Think people who find themselves attracted to everyone have a rather bigger problem on their hands. Sexual promiscuity, theoretical or not, is not a virtue :/


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## Darkbloom (Aug 11, 2013)

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## Rose for a Heart (Nov 14, 2011)

Twist of Fate said:


> I don't know if this helps or not, but my opinion is that this is the normal state of affairs and in fact a healthier perspective :/ I have no idea why sexual attraction would be divorced from intimacy and love, or why this would be a problem.
> 
> Think people who find themselves attracted to everyone have a rather bigger problem on their hands. Sexual promiscuity, theoretical or not, is not a virtue :/


Well it's triggering some sort of trauma (maybe fear of being unlovable - but idk it doesn't fit entirely), and I can't take it. I literally had the most obvious (symbolic) dream ever. The last time the veil between my unconscious and conscious violently shattered like that, the only way I could keep myself alive was shut it out, I can't take it. I don't want myself to get there this time too. I have already been feeling miserable and nightmarish for several days, having more and more suicidal ideation though I don't have any plans. 
The dream was about several snakes breaking through a once through holes in the ground and occupying my entire apartment. They were everywhere, I couldn't be in peace. They were even in the bathroom, my room, under my bed. And also frogs. It might just sound comical to people but I know the context of this dream...I have had snake dreams before, but there was only one snake. I wanted to get rid of it because I was scared of it. I can't have all my stuff terrorize me all at once, I can't take it. I don't know how to survive if that membrane broke.


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## d e c a d e n t (Apr 21, 2013)

@Signorina Misteriosa
Personally I just find it so dissonant to rate things at all, when people go "he/she is a 10" or whatever. Like I find some people more or less attractive but I can't think in those terms, it feels so gross, but also it's just not how my brain works. I've wondered if that's type related, but I don't know. :/


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## Dangerose (Sep 30, 2014)

I hate missing things :frustrating:



Distortions said:


> @Signorina Misteriosa
> Personally I just find it so dissonant to rate things at all, when people go "he/she is a 10" or whatever. Like I find some people more or less attractive but I can't think in those terms, it feels so gross, but also it's just not how my brain works. I've wondered if that's type related, but I don't know. :/


I like the concept of the rating system for some reason)
Maybe because I was always desperate for a concrete way to understand if I was attractive) But I also hate it, hate the idea of being a number

Don't usually really rate people I see...can walk down the street and be like 'oh that guy's attractive' but idk it feels like a game I'm playing

If I like you you're not on the scale anymore because it's not like you're in any sort of competition anymore


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## d e c a d e n t (Apr 21, 2013)

Twist of Fate said:


> Don't usually really rate people I see...can walk down the street and be like 'oh that guy's attractive' but idk it feels like a game I'm playing


Lol, if I see someone walking down the street who I find attractive, I mostly feel frustrated/sad because they're unattainable.

I can be a LITTLE defeatist.


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## Dangerose (Sep 30, 2014)

Distortions said:


> Lol, if I see someone walking down the street who I find attractive, I mostly feel frustrated/sad because they're unattainable.
> 
> I can be a LITTLE defeatist.


Well, that's obviously not true

But I can relate :laughing:
Though...idk, I think in some way I've mastered the art of making semi-flirty eye contact that also says 'don't approach' on the street
I remember when I had my wisdom teeth taken out, my face was all . . . large, and I passed some guys going into Walgreens or something and it actually made me start crying (after the fact) because there was no lingering eye contact and even though it was a temporary thing it felt like . . . 

And sometimes just going along my life, I'll see a guy and be like 'oh if I looked different we could be getting to know each other' but . . . yeah

Though in my case it's not really defeatestness, it's . . . suddenly facing up to facts 

Because even though I'm really unattractive right now in my mind I am playing the Musetta to every place I walk






And it kinda works, I think most people will lightly eye-flirt no matter who you are


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## d e c a d e n t (Apr 21, 2013)

Twist of Fate said:


> Because even though I'm really unattractive right now in my mind I am playing the Musetta to every place I walk
> 
> 
> 
> ...


:laughing:
Yeah I often have a hard time just leaving the house, much less, you know

Although if I channel any of the music I listen to when I do, that'd be interesting... Lately I've been listening to this a lot:





(Certainly makes walking home more... epic. I hate that word, but can't think of anything better to describe it)

Edit: Anyway, I'm such an awkward and self-conscious wreck, it's destroyed my entire life. :frustrating:


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## Dangerose (Sep 30, 2014)

Distortions said:


> :laughing:
> Yeah I often have a hard time just leaving the house, much less, you know
> 
> Although if I channel any of the music I listen to when I do, that'd be interesting... Lately I've been listening to this a lot:
> ...


I love this one so much)
Haha yeah, I tend to match my facial expressions to the music I'm listening, sometimes I'll suddenly realize that I'm walking looking like I'm about to murder people, or making little faces for funny parts of songs, it's dangerous


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## d e c a d e n t (Apr 21, 2013)

Twist of Fate said:


> I love this one so much)
> Haha yeah, I tend to match my facial expressions to the music I'm listening, sometimes I'll suddenly realize that I'm walking looking like I'm about to murder people, or making little faces for funny parts of songs, it's dangerous


I probably do that. At least I tend to... move my lips to it, lol. Like I can't actually sing, but I sing mentally, and can get pretty into it. I'm sure I look rather funny doing this, but I look funny no matter what, so...


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## Stellafera (Jan 19, 2015)

Distortions said:


> I probably do that. At least I tend to... move my lips to it, lol. Like I can't actually sing, but I sing mentally, and can get pretty into it. I'm sure I look rather funny doing this, but I look funny no matter what, so...


I start "dancing" when I listen to music while I exercise. Like I'll be running but if I'm listening to "Telephone" by Lady Gaga or something I'll be grooving along and putting my hand into the shape of a phone. 

I also sing in my car so much so that I drastically improved my singing skills during the first year after I got my license. A friend noted it and I couldn't for the life of me figure it out, till I got into my car later and started belting along to my songs... woops!


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## Dangerose (Sep 30, 2014)

Stellafera said:


> I start "dancing" when I listen to music while I exercise. Like I'll be running but if I'm listening to "Telephone" by Lady Gaga or something I'll be grooving along and putting my hand into the shape of a phone.
> 
> I also sing in my car so much so that I drastically improved my singing skills during the first year after I got my license. A friend noted it and I couldn't for the life of me figure it out, till I got into my car later and started belting along to my songs... woops!


One of my favorite things about driving is the opportunity to sing lol)

Though...I don't in the city, I'm too self-conscious))


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## d e c a d e n t (Apr 21, 2013)

I never sing outloud even when I'm alone lol, I'm _that_ bad. Which is why I sing mentally.

-- 
@*Twist of Fate* 
Also don't usually listen to instrumental music like I said, but into this atm




(Was thinking about how it seemed like nice "dancing" music, then I realized it's the part where that guy kills himself lol)


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## Dangerose (Sep 30, 2014)

Distortions said:


> I never sing outloud even when I'm alone lol, I'm _that_ bad. Which is why I sing mentally.
> 
> --
> @*Twist of Fate*
> ...


Well, I mean, the last dance belongs only to Death)






But probably not what you want to choose for your wedding reception...


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## d e c a d e n t (Apr 21, 2013)

Twist of Fate said:


> But probably not what you want to choose for your wedding reception...


I GUESS not

(Tried making a collage inspired by this, but I should probably get some sleep before posting it anywhere, because atm I've lost my ability to see properly)


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## Stellafera (Jan 19, 2015)

Twist of Fate said:


> Though...I don't in the city, I'm too self-conscious))


aww, seeing other people sing and dance in their cars once in a while always brightens up my commute


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## mushr00m (May 23, 2011)

I wander if in my lifetime, society will have become better than it is now. And that the human race will unshackle itself from retraints in place to benefit a few. Lately, I haven't been feeling all that hopeful.


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## Majority (Oct 3, 2016)

How come I hate some SOCs and absolutely love others? 

Some are so prissy and overbearing but others are all heart in the right place and loyal. Some are too conforming, others too rebellious, but some are just right...Standing up to their values and their way of life. 

Especially in regards the SoSx. SoSp is a different story.


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## d e c a d e n t (Apr 21, 2013)

:frustrating: I wish I was more self-contained, and didn't end up in this hell of constantly getting too attached to people, and getting rejected because I'm repulsive and try too hard.


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## vivacious (Aug 5, 2017)

so/sx confession:

I've always longed for not simply friendship, but *best* friendship, and it pains me when I don't have this presence in my life. When it exists, I feel such satisfaction, fulfillment, and peace. 

Even though I'm prone to falling in love and I do have quite a focus on romantic love, probably more than anything I want a person who I can always feel comfortable around, someone who can be a confidante and will back me up when I go through rough patches in my relationships. A friendship that requires no formal catching up, even if we do go periods of time without speaking, because we're in sync with each other and are consistent in our friendship. Someone to go on crazy spontaneous adventures with, someone to relax with. When basically every moment feels natural, when I can have confidence that nothing ever can or will change. Someone I can express just about anything with. Someone I can pretend-flirt with, but also share real intimacy with.


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## pwowq (Aug 7, 2016)

I don't need or want friendship. I only want to get along with everyone. -> It leads to an independent life with very few friends(1), some enemies and a crapton of acquaintances.

1 = I have 1 friend atm.


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## Rose for a Heart (Nov 14, 2011)

I will do my social vents on here from now on. 

I am sick of encountering the "change" mentality in literally like 99% of the population. I am in a Psychology program and one of the classes for Counselling - all they talk about is change. "There's something wrong with him, how do we get him to eventually change." Like come on people, have you ever thought outside of that rigid box? I think understanding is 10x more important that change. Change will happen in due time. Or people will open up to it in due time. That's not even fucking important. Not a single therapy approach worked for me. I just went to therapists because they listened to me and validated me, but did they incite change in me or convince me to change myself? Never. That's because I hate the idea. It is also boring and pedestrian. I just fucking hate the idea. Because if you are anything like me, there's something wrong with you for not changing. It couldn't possibly be that you are looking for people who genuinely accept you for who you are. That couldn't possibly be the case, could it? People are obsessed with "change," and it makes me really angry and frustrated.

I mean I seriously want to punch something, I am sick of this place and the people in it.


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## pwowq (Aug 7, 2016)

Apparently I'm annoying very often. I cannot say I find people annoying at the same rate. What gives? No one have told me. I crave for someone that dare to oppose me, to tell why I am annoying. x)


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