# Rock Bottom



## Ben8 (Jul 5, 2013)

I hit rock bottom.
To give you a little back story, I went to a community college for 2 years to earn my associates degree. I did not know what I wanted to do with my life at the time until I reached university. In community college and through the first semester at university, despite the difficult classes, I managed perfect grades. Grades and intelligence were the most important thing to me.
The next semester, I got mostly A's, one B in a tough class where I almost received an A, and I failed Physics because, for whatever reason, I never did my work.
Over the summer, I got into a damaging relationship (she was not a suitable SO). I finally bit the bullet and got help; I started on antidepressants for anxiety and depression. I suffer from anxiety and depression, I have for over 6 years. It helped, but made me lethargic and unfocused when I returned to school for the fall semester.
Over fall semester, I met a lot of people, had fun, and met my gf of 6 months. She's an exchange student from England and I am in the USA. I ended up losing my virginity to her, she was that special to me. We got along so well. However, I failed almost all my classes aside from retaking physics and passing. I could not focus in school and lost all desire.
Now, coming into this spring semester, I was looking to rebound. I was put on new medication and was talking to the free school counsellor for a few months. I was trying to change and get healthy because it was damaging my relationship, school, and overall life. 
With school, I got into the habit for trying to really understand the concepts and read the textbook over and over and redo my notes. I got behind, stressed, never caught up because I was trying to understand everything perfectly, and started failing again. I was noted I could lose my financial aid and my parents had no idea I had been struggling. 
My SO and I got into a fight last month. My last relationship caused me to see girlfriends in a different way, I believe. I would get so angry and suicidal and down when my girlfriend would get any male attention or told she looked pretty. I would be upset if she went to a party and refused to go even though I could. I would constantly be mad if any guy texted her, looked at her, talked to her, anything at all. It got to be too much, but I was trying to not be this way. I was getting help, but I guess it wasn't good enough. 
She decided to break up with me and so that day, on April 2nd, I attempted suicide. I was in my apartment, had a knife to my neck, window open, and I took all the tylenol I had. I survived. I had to go to the hospital for a few days, my parents found out everything going on, and I had to withdraw from the school.
So here I am, back at home. I am put on new meds which help. I had my car, phone, laptop, everything revoked by my parents until I was told otherwise. So, I took the time to reflect and fix my life to the best of my ability. I started reading self help books, working out, taking my meds like I need to, eating healthier, working on myself, trying to find my underlying issues. 
I am in the process of getting a job again and finding a psychiatrist. It's a constant work in progress, and I am at the mental state now, with getting a reevaluation by my family doctor, I could have my car, phone, and laptop back. I ended up speaking with a few friends and my ex yesterday and things went ok. Didn't talk much, but the exposure seemed fine.
Look, I'm looking to get my life back. I have goals and I know what I want. My issue is with school, when I return in the fall, I want to nail it. I have the drive and passion to put aside everything to achieve perfect grades, or whatever I need. However, I get stuck because if I put all my focus on school, I neglect friends, family, gfs, health, etc. I need prioritization. I wrote out my priorities. My first is myself and my health mentally and physically. Second is my career/school. Third is my connections with others (family, friends, gf). Lastly is some volunteer work I could do. 
My problem is balance. If my goal is to get a 4.0 GPA in a semester, I will give it 100 percent and get it, but I won't have friends at all, no gf, no extra curricular activities, etc. It's an all or nothing mentality. I want a way to be able to balance my time with school to where I give it everything I got in school, but I can also have a few friends, get my gf back (we probably will get back together at some point), and have I guess just things I can fall back on besides grades and career, but career is the most important thing to me at this moment.
I'm sorry this was so long and I don't anticipate many reading it because of this, but if someone could give me advice, that would be great.


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## Maye (Feb 15, 2015)

I don't know what to say, except for what I'd do in your shoes. Hope it helps...

First, I wouldn't put my grades and career first. I think you are right to consider your mental health and yourself before that. 

I don't think its important to have an S.O. per say. I think friends and family are all the human connection really necessary, and it sounds like it took a lot out of you to have a girlfriend and struggle not to feel angry about other guys. So maybe you need to give yourself a break from dating? Not in order to put grades first, but just because its too hard to deal with at the moment (?). 

Btw, I'm curious, are you an 8?


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## Goya (Nov 26, 2015)

I think you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. I get that there are people who are natural perfectionist, but is it worth it if it's going to cause you your health? I don't think so. 

Setting such a precise goal will only make you stressed and frustrated. I mean, I'm already out of uni and to be honest, your average isn't that important. I think it's better if you try to do your best, try to get the highest score you can, but don't be obsessed about a certain number.


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## JayDubs (Sep 1, 2009)

1. Set a more manageable goal than getting a 4.0. It should be something like "I will keep up with the material and work in every class I take. I will study. I will not obsess about details." The honest truth about most college courses is that if you study and work hard, you'll usually get an A or a B. 

2. Forget about getting your ex-girlfriend back. It should not be a goal at all. Focus on school, and having enough time with your friends to stay sane. Next semester, if everything is back on track, then add girls back into the mix. I'd still recommend you not to go after your ex. Too much bad history. There are lots of other girls you will meet in your life.


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

It sounds to me that your problems in your relationship were pretty serious. I would go with distancing yourself from your ex-girlfriend while you focus on bettering yourself and your schoolwork, and doing psychotherapy. I don't think it's a good idea to get back together with her for you or anyone, and certainly it sounds like it could sabotage your progress in other areas of your life.

As was said--add girls back into the mix after you've done a lot of personal development and have a handle on the other aspects of your life. 

You could also consider adding a college success/study tools class to the mix because it will reinforce how school's a priority and give you some ideas you may use now or later. 

But these things can happen to people, and sometimes it's just useful to minimize for a while and focus on the top priorities that have the potential to influence the most positive change.


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## Vaka (Feb 26, 2010)

I would say that you should ease yourself back into classes. Your goal overall should be to continuously get better, but if you jump right in to all this shit that can overwhelm you, it might fall on you. You seem self aware, though, and you know what you want and what will make you happy. What goals do you have that require that 4.0? Most of the time, even that isn't necessary. And to get it, you don't necessarily have to understand everything you're being taught anyway. I understand that all or nothing perspective tho because I've had problems with perfectionism to the degree that I couldn't do anything unless I did 100, but 100 was way too much for me to handle. So I'm very happy I was able to balance myself out a little. Perfectionism is wonderful, but on overdrive, it can drive you insane. If you truly do need that 4.0, then obviously you're also gonna have to take classes where you may not be that interested in the material, and others you will. But even the classes you are interested in, it's not like you can't keep the books and read them in your spare time in the future. Other professions are different in that employers generally care more about what you can demonstrate than what grades you got

If friends and a girlfriend will make you happy, just practice organizing your time around that a little more or maybe having one day each week you can focus on them. Sometimes you have to decide to sacrifice some things when you think about what will make you happy and what is part of making you a healthy person, or ease up on some things

Anyway. You're a strong person and that's very admirable and you'll find that balance you need if you introspect 
If you need it, there are lots of resources available at universities for students with mental health issues. Like ones where you can work something out with professors to get extensions if you need or whatever


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## Carpentet810 (Nov 17, 2013)

That is rock bottom, lol, kids these days!!! Rock bottom is shooting speedballs under a bridge, and prostituting yourself out to construction workers for cigarettes.


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## Razare (Apr 21, 2009)

Ben8 said:


> My problem is balance.


I have had this problem. What I concluded is I was trying to do too much.

If you try to do too much, balance can become a problem, because you juggle too many things.

Success in life is produced as much out of who you are to others, than it is by drive and completing tasks. If success is only work environment success, perhaps the drive and completing tasks is sufficient.

But even in the world of business, I have seen those most successful had personality traits rather than task-oriented success traits.




> If my goal is to get a 4.0 GPA in a semester, I will give it 100 percent and get it, but I won't have friends at all, no gf, no extra curricular activities, etc.


I'm glad you have goals and I think a 4.0 is a good goal. But this is how perfectionism works, and in the end, perfectionism wont make you happy in life.

Perfectionism sets high goals, and is disappointed when it misses those goals. And even if you achieve these goals, a perfectionist will then just be critical and judgmental of those who did not reach those goals that they did.

Humility rather, appreciates and values who we are as a person, irrespective of our ability to perform in life. And so our self worth is not tied up into what we've achieved or are going to achieve. Then our self worth does not degrade when we fail to achieve it. We can still have goals, but our self esteem is not found in those goals.

If you do speak with a therapist, I suggest you bring up perfectionism to them, and maybe they can talk about how to not be too tied up our own performance.


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## Razare (Apr 21, 2009)

Carpentet810 said:


> That is rock bottom, lol, kids these days!!! Rock bottom is shooting speedballs under a bridge, and prostituting yourself out to construction workers for cigarettes.


Yeah true, but consider they've instructed us so badly at school, they basically make you believe that when they send you off to college, the entire next 60 years of your life and well-being is completely contingent upon 4 years of schooling. Teachers need to get a grip, I think, and quit brainwashing kids. It needs to look something like this:

"You can go to college if you want, it's no big deal if you do, or don't. You might make some more money if you go, you might not. Money isn't everything. Here's a list of well paying jobs that don't require college degrees: (list)"

I imagine if kids were given the list, a lot wouldn't bother going.


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## StrikerEureka (Apr 4, 2016)

Carpentet810 said:


> That is rock bottom, lol, kids these days!!! Rock bottom is shooting speedballs under a bridge, and prostituting yourself out to construction workers for cigarettes.


He attempted suicide. Your version of "rock bottom" is invalidating his emotional cry for help. Please reconsider your stance.


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## Carpentet810 (Nov 17, 2013)

StrikerEureka said:


> He attempted suicide. Your version of "rock bottom" is invalidating his emotional cry for help. Please reconsider your stance.


Knife to your own neck and taking too much tylenol...suicidal rrriiight. He wasn't serious, if he had the internet is full of suicide methods that work. People who seriously want to take their own lives rarely if ever fail.

Unless of course you are saying he was too stupid for it to be effective.


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## StrikerEureka (Apr 4, 2016)

Carpentet810 said:


> Knife to your own neck and taking too much tylenol...suicidal rrriiight. He wasn't serious, if he had the internet is full of suicide methods that work. People who seriously want to take their own lives rarely if ever fail.
> 
> Unless of course you are saying he was too stupid for it to be effective.


You don't know him. You can't judge his level of seriousness based on that fact alone. There's all the things he hasn't said that need to be considered. Suicide can be many things like wanting the pain to stop, a cry for help, or manipulation due to a third party, etc. You mock him based on your assumptions of how things are for you, and should be from your own experience instead of helping him. That's counter productive and unfair to him as a person. Unless you're trying to be counter productive to his attempt at seeking help from others? Either way, he's asking for help in this thread, not to be mocked.


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## Carpentet810 (Nov 17, 2013)

StrikerEureka said:


> You don't know him. You can't judge his level of seriousness based on that fact alone. There's all the things he hasn't said that need to be considered. Suicide can be many things like wanting the pain to stop, a cry for help, or manipulation due to a third party, etc. You mock him based on your assumptions of how things are for you, and should be from your own experience instead of helping him. That's counter productive and unfair to him as a person. Unless you're trying to be counter productive to his attempt at seeking help from others? Either way, he's asking for help in this thread, not to be mocked.


If he wanted help anonymously he would be on a Psychiatry Forum that caters to people seeking help from professionals who do this for a living...or dialing a mental health hotline. Not a no name forum, filled with social welfare and sensitivity experts. Unless you are saying that you are a board certified psychiatrist who understands such things, of course, though I wager you aren't.
Do you go to perc when you are sick or do you go to the doctor?

Do you believe your opinion outweighs that of a psychiatrist and that coming to a joe blows random public forum is the way to go???


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## StrikerEureka (Apr 4, 2016)

Carpentet810 said:


> If he wanted help anonymously he would be on a Psychiatry Forum that caters to people seeking help from professionals who do this for a living...or dialing a mental health hotline. Not a no name forum, filled with social welfare and sensitivity experts. Unless you are saying that you are a board certified psychiatrist who understands such things, of course, though I wager you aren't.
> Do you go to perc when you are sick or do you go to the doctor?
> 
> Do you believe your opinion outweighs that of a psychiatrist and that coming to a joe blows random public forum is the way to go???


I can respect your opinion on his various options available to him to seek help. Hopefully he is aware now more so than ever what those are.

I will be disengaging from this conversation with you as it is no longer relevant to the thread at hand. Nice chat! :happy:


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## Ben8 (Jul 5, 2013)

As an update, I attempted suicide a second time, but I ended up in a hospital and into the psychiatric ward for a week approximately. I've made some improvements, I'm on three different medications, and I have an appointment with a psychiatrist. Things will start looking up, I imagine. Thanks to everyone who gave productive information; it helped put things in perspective and give good advice.


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## StrikerEureka (Apr 4, 2016)

Ben8 said:


> As an update, I attempted suicide a second time, but I ended up in a hospital and into the psychiatric ward for a week approximately. I've made some improvements, I'm on three different medications, and I have an appointment with a psychiatrist. Things will start looking up, I imagine. Thanks to everyone who gave productive information; it helped put things in perspective and give good advice.


I'm really sorry to hear that you attempted a second time. I'm glad that you are alive and getting the help that you deserve. 

There will be times that you feel surrounded by darkness so its important to know that there are people out there that care about you. I may not know you personally but if you ever need someone to talk to please reach out to me.


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## angelfish (Feb 17, 2011)

Balance is hard. Honestly, I don't know anyone who doesn't struggle with it. The best suggestion I can give you is to try your best to committing to giving a reasonable effort and then to be gentle with yourself. Everything is connected; your academic drive sustains your personal energy which sustains your relationship which sustains your personal energy which sustains your career pursuit, and so on. It's easy (and human!) to overfocus on the areas where you are more comfortable or happy and to let the others slip by, but each in turn impacts the other. Priorities are important, but so too is self-care. Try to give yourself a little quiet time where you can listen to your instinct telling you what you need most. Your body has a sense of this that your mind can't always grasp, and will help you catch up in areas you may otherwise fall behind in. 

Depression and anxiety are real hurdles and they can unfairly make you feel like you haven't done enough or you aren't worth the energy, or that you don't have a good shot at succeeding. Nature knows otherwise: just like any living thing, you too are a flourishing of this planet, and life is yours for exploration and discovery and growth...

I'm glad you've made it to where you have and I wish you the best with rebuilding your life!


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## StrikerEureka (Apr 4, 2016)

angelfish said:


> Balance is hard. Honestly, I don't know anyone who doesn't struggle with it. The best suggestion I can give you is to try your best to committing to giving a reasonable effort and then to be gentle with yourself. Everything is connected; your academic drive sustains your personal energy which sustains your relationship which sustains your personal energy which sustains your career pursuit, and so on. It's easy (and human!) to overfocus on the areas where you are more comfortable or happy and to let the others slip by, but each in turn impacts the other. Priorities are important, but so too is self-care. Try to give yourself a little quiet time where you can listen to your instinct telling you what you need most. Your body has a sense of this that your mind can't always grasp, and will help you catch up in areas you may otherwise fall behind in.
> 
> Depression and anxiety are real hurdles and they can unfairly make you feel like you haven't done enough or you aren't worth the energy, or that you don't have a good shot at succeeding. Nature knows otherwise: just like any living thing, you too are a flourishing of this planet, and life is yours for exploration and discovery and growth...
> 
> I'm glad you've made it to where you have and I wish you the best with rebuilding your life!


Well said. I enjoyed reading this.


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## Maye (Feb 15, 2015)

I hope you don't mind me asking. And you don't have to answer, but do you know what is the main thing that causes you to feel depressed?


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## Ben8 (Jul 5, 2013)

Maye said:


> I hope you don't mind me asking. And you don't have to answer, but do you know what is the main thing that causes you to feel depressed?


Honestly, it varies. At times, it's in relationships. Other times, it's in identity crises. Sometimes there is no "reason." The medication is helping; I'm on medicine for anxiety and depression as well as generalized anxiety and also something for a mood stabilizer. I'm assuming there has been some chemical imbalances, but I also think when I start seeing my psychiatrist (whom I love) will help me sort out any particulars I'm dealing with. 

Anxiety is probably my biggest difficulty along with struggling with the meaning of life. I'm reading self help books, taking my meds, and will be speaking with a professional. I'm also trying to take myself out of any situation that could negatively impact me (studying right now, ex girlfriend). It's all a process, honestly.


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## Ben8 (Jul 5, 2013)

angelfish said:


> Balance is hard. Honestly, I don't know anyone who doesn't struggle with it. The best suggestion I can give you is to try your best to committing to giving a reasonable effort and then to be gentle with yourself. Everything is connected; your academic drive sustains your personal energy which sustains your relationship which sustains your personal energy which sustains your career pursuit, and so on. It's easy (and human!) to overfocus on the areas where you are more comfortable or happy and to let the others slip by, but each in turn impacts the other. Priorities are important, but so too is self-care. Try to give yourself a little quiet time where you can listen to your instinct telling you what you need most. Your body has a sense of this that your mind can't always grasp, and will help you catch up in areas you may otherwise fall behind in.
> 
> Depression and anxiety are real hurdles and they can unfairly make you feel like you haven't done enough or you aren't worth the energy, or that you don't have a good shot at succeeding. Nature knows otherwise: just like any living thing, you too are a flourishing of this planet, and life is yours for exploration and discovery and growth...
> 
> I'm glad you've made it to where you have and I wish you the best with rebuilding your life!



I was looking up and found something called OCPD, Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder, and I feel like that has potential to be something similar to what I deal with. It talks about being a perfectionist and losing sight of the main goal in hopes of making minute details perfect. Things like that. Any advice aside from talking to a psychiatrist about this?


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## Maye (Feb 15, 2015)

Ben8 said:


> Honestly, it varies. At times, it's in relationships. Other times, it's in identity crises. Sometimes there is no "reason." The medication is helping; I'm on medicine for anxiety and depression as well as generalized anxiety and also something for a mood stabilizer. I'm assuming there has been some chemical imbalances, but I also think when I start seeing my psychiatrist (whom I love) will help me sort out any particulars I'm dealing with.
> 
> Anxiety is probably my biggest difficulty along with struggling with the meaning of life. I'm reading self help books, taking my meds, and will be speaking with a professional. I'm also trying to take myself out of any situation that could negatively impact me (studying right now, ex girlfriend). It's all a process, honestly.


Thank you for explaining. I might miss the mark, but I'd like to offer my ideas.

I've experienced mild depression frequently, but only a few times can I remember having I experienced strong feelings of depression (so I only have a narrow window of insight into your own situation). The times I have coincided with hopelessness and frustration over certain situations. Of course, you have to feel frustrated, depressed, angry, etc. at least sometimes. 

But for the times when it gets to feeling very hopeless, I think it is important to know that you are capable of coping with the difficult issues and feelings you have. Not to say you always have been or we always are capable of dealing with our problems. But its helpful to know that we have that capability within us to cope with them. We just have to let ourselves.

One of my issues that occasionally springs up and makes me angry, and once recently quite depressed, has to do with one of my parents who has been unfair to say the least. (I'm not comparing it to your own depression because, although I've got issues, depression has never been a main one for me. I'm just using it as an example.) I felt like I was trapped by his past words to me and I couldn't overcome them in any way. He would always judge me, and if I chose to forgive him and moved on I would be giving into his way which has always been critical, not interested in understanding, and judgemental of me. Its hard to explain but I felt like I was in a cycle of trappedness I couldn't get out of. 

But, although I am not perfect and will never fully heal from his damage, I can to a great extent choose to focus on love and forgiveness instead of how he has wronged me. Its my only choice aside from trying to forget the whole thing, and forgetting isn't easy when the person doesn't change their ways. I have to try to be positive. I think our minds and bodies can only handle so much of the awful things so we have to let ourselves spend a lot of our time focusing on the good things more than the negative. I'm not saying its always do-able or easy, but its our only option. Maybe its a parallel concept with your situation. I don't know. 

As for the meaning of life, I've always believed in God (of the bible). I don't know where you are on that spectrum, and what sort of struggle you have with the meaning of life, so I'd be batting at the wind to give helpful advice. It seems trivial and its not the sort of advice you probably want, but I have an agnostic, not specifically of a certain faith, music suggestion. Jewel Spirit Album. I personally *love* the feeling of it and how much truth is in her lyrics. Highly recommend if u like music  My other favorite music is Pierce Pettis' album, "That Kind of Love".

I also have anxiety(the over-thinking type). But strangely I've always thought there was a solution even though most of my life I've failed miserably at not being anxious. Its never been that depressing for me, but I can see how it would be. I am happy to talk more about anxiety too. But its late as I'm posting this so I'll just stop here. But feel free to PM me any time if you want to talk about anxiety or anything. I'm just a normal (or maybe strange ), shy young person haha, but I've thought a lot about this stuff and basically dealt with anxiety my entire life.


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## angelfish (Feb 17, 2011)

Ben8 said:


> I was looking up and found something called OCPD, Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder, and I feel like that has potential to be something similar to what I deal with. It talks about being a perfectionist and losing sight of the main goal in hopes of making minute details perfect. Things like that. Any advice aside from talking to a psychiatrist about this?


Yes - I would suggest to find a psychotherapist/counselor, as well! Your psychiatrist would probably be happy to refer you to someone. Psychiatry is probably your best first stop so they can address what does indeed sound like a chemical imbalance, but statistically the most effective clinical mental health results come from seeing both a medical psychiatry professional and a licensed, psychology-trained counselor, who can help you identify, observe, and address your cognitive or emotional behavior patterns that are working against you.

In clinical language, it sounds like you identify as having "obsessive-compulsive traits" - kudos to you for identifying that you relate. That is definitely worth communicating to both your psychiatrist and therapist.

How to deal with your obsessive-compulsive traits though... well, it's a little complicated because it depends on the root of their origin. They can stem either from OCPD itself, or perhaps from anxiety (OCD being a specific manifestation of that) - or both. Less likely are other origins - people with Asperger's can struggle with similar problems, for example. 

If you do have OCPD, then your obsessive traits probably make you feel secure and satisfied to some extent - getting tasks done just right, organizing, creating symmetry, doing things yourself. You probably stress most when you feel out of control of your environment. To make progress, you would want to work on trying to slowly and steadily notch compulsions towards productive/healthy actions. 

On there other hand, with anxiety or OCD, it's the future anticipation that is problematic - the feeling of fear and dread. You may have a diffused sense of anxiety that doesn't necessarily reflect what is going on in your actual exterior environment. Addressing this is more about identifying and handling the fear. Mindfulness exercises can be really helpful for entering the present reality and disengaging anxiety.


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## Ben8 (Jul 5, 2013)

Maye said:


> Thank you for explaining. I might miss the mark, but I'd like to offer my ideas.
> 
> I've experienced mild depression frequently, but only a few times can I remember having I experienced strong feelings of depression (so I only have a narrow window of insight into your own situation). The times I have coincided with hopelessness and frustration over certain situations. Of course, you have to feel frustrated, depressed, angry, etc. at least sometimes.
> 
> ...


Thank you for the response! I bought plenty of self help books yesterday and I have almost completed Viktor Frankl's "Man's Search For Meaning" and it is a very good read! I would recommend it. It helps me understand a deeper meaning to life and one that fits my ideals.


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## Maye (Feb 15, 2015)

Ben8 said:


> Thank you for the response! I bought plenty of self help books yesterday and I have almost completed Viktor Frankl's "Man's Search For Meaning" and it is a very good read! I would recommend it. It helps me understand a deeper meaning to life and one that fits my ideals.


Oh, interesting. I read about it on wikipedia. It sounds like a really good read and full of insight. What person would have a better grasp on such things than a former jewish prisoner. If I need a good read any time soon, I might be checking my library


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## Mange (Jan 9, 2011)

If this is your rock bottom you should consider yourself very lucky.


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