# Really Terrible Self-Esteem Problems



## ParfaitMan (Mar 26, 2012)

I have really terrible self-esteem problems, as the title above indicates ^^. I have little self-knowledge and a lack of self-worth. I judge/measure myself based on the people I hang around. Either I'm an underachiever, an overachiever, loose, uptight, weird, or boring. I have no balance. I don't know what to do with my life and I feel like although I am proficient at most things, I'm not truly good at anything. I'm afraid to write poems and stories in case they're not good enough. When I do look back on my writing, I think it sucks and feel ashamed. My friends make fun of me rather cruelly when I attempt to be funny or creative (and conversely call me boring and uptight if I don't try) causing me to retreat further into my shell.

I'm really confused about what I want and what I should do. I'm scared of trying new things and other people's perception of me. I'm terrified of telling people my secrets of having them figure out I'm a mean person and a liar (I was a bad person in the past, by my own standards. I'm not sure if y'all will consider it that serious.) I'm always worried that I'm not cool or interesting or honest enough. If I do something perfectly, I don't feel proud of myself because I always expect perfection from myself, but every failure hits me like a bullet in my gut. I find myself feeling jealous of other people for no reason, and but still feeling bad if they fail while I succeed.

The only thing I'm not insecure about is my body and appearance. But what good does that do in the end?

Even now, I feel kind of ashamed of writing this post, and I'll feel stupid if no one replies. X( What do I do??


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## donkeybals (Jan 13, 2011)

Well, if you are good looking, and good at most things you do, I mean, maybe you should reflect on the good you do? That could help right? Plus you got a good sense of humor too, that baby getting watered avatar cracked me up!


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## WickedQueen (Jun 1, 2009)

ParfaitMan said:


> I have really terrible self-esteem problems, as the title above indicates ^^. I have little self-knowledge and a lack of self-worth. I judge/measure myself based on the people I hang around. Either I'm an underachiever, an overachiever, loose, uptight, weird, or boring. I have no balance. I don't know what to do with my life and I feel like although I am proficient at most things, I'm not truly good at anything. I'm afraid to write poems and stories in case they're not good enough. When I do look back on my writing, I think it sucks and feel ashamed. My friends make fun of me rather cruelly when I attempt to be funny or creative (and conversely call me boring and uptight if I don't try) causing me to retreat further into my shell.
> 
> I'm really confused about what I want and what I should do. I'm scared of trying new things and other people's perception of me. I'm terrified of telling people my secrets of having them figure out I'm a mean person and a liar (I was a bad person in the past, by my own standards. I'm not sure if y'all will consider it that serious.) I'm always worried that I'm not cool or interesting or honest enough. If I do something perfectly, I don't feel proud of myself because I always expect perfection from myself, but every failure hits me like a bullet in my gut. I find myself feeling jealous of other people for no reason, and but still feeling bad if they fail while I succeed.
> 
> ...


The ironic thing is, I've met a lot of people like you IRL, some of them are my friends and I was able to help them out from their insecurities. So, let see if I can help you as well.

Questions: 
1. Are you a religious person?
2. From all the things that you're pretty good at, what do you love to do the most?
3. What makes you think other people are better judgers of you than you to yourself? How much, do you think, they truly know you?


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## Voodo Chile (Jul 6, 2011)

Do something *you* find interesting, a substantial hobby or skill, preferably something that can branch out and involve many things. Something you can actually look back and be proud of - Don't chose playing computer The hard thing is choosing what to do. 
Money helps aswell < dont know about anyone else but having some sort of income, gave me real world confidence/ more control. 
Idleness is bad mmmkk


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## Erbse (Oct 15, 2010)

You're the first ISTP I know that seems to genuinely give a crap about someone else's perception of him.

Live up to your own standards. Everyone else is moot.


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## ParfaitMan (Mar 26, 2012)

Erbse said:


> You're the first ISTP I know that seems to genuinely give a crap about someone else's perception of him.
> 
> Live up to your own standards. Everyone else is moot.


I have a massively overly-developed Fe. My ISFJ uncle used to live with me as a kid and harass me about social skills, tell me I would never make friends, say I gave off bad vibes to everyone I met, etc. I don't know why it got to me so much. I was forced to be around other people when I didn't want to and it bothered me.


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## sleepyhead (Nov 14, 2011)

I generally think this kind of self work takes a lot of support, perseverance, and time, but this book is a good starting point: Amazon.com: There Is Nothing Wrong with You: Going Beyond Self-Hate (9780971030909): Cheri Huber, June Shiver: Books


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## ParfaitMan (Mar 26, 2012)

As an ISTP, I tend to be very passive and not as expressive. I never realize if I'm not being colorful or excited enough until I realize how much other people are. Like if I had a blog, I'd just post cool pictures instead of making things really meaningful. 

Or if I have a conversation, two sentences will be enough for me. I'm not quick to give my opinions, and I don't have incredibly strong interests. I myself would describe this as "chill," but am I really just not all that passionate or interesting a person? I mean, not too much goes on with me.

Then again, I've seen NF's especially who are very quick to give their opinions and are quick to call things their interests and hobbies. Like they'll discover an artist or poet or whatever and a week later will consider themselves a huge fan and mention it as a huge interest of theirs. I usually wait until a few _months _ after.


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## ENTJam (Nov 15, 2010)

WickedQueen said:


> The ironic thing is, I've met a lot of people like you IRL, some of them are my friends and I was able to help them out from their insecurities. So, let see if I can help you as well.
> 
> Questions:
> 1. Are you a religious person?
> ...


So hm, I'm not the OP by the OP's description fits me perfectly. So... do you mind if I answer these? 

1)Yes. Roman Catholic. Pretty uptight. Church every Sunday. No premarital sex and stuff.

2)I... honestly don't know. I LOVE approaching people and get a chat going (though that's pretty much the only time I'll interact with said person, probably), but I'm not particularly good at it. I don't know :/ how do I figure it out?

3)Well... in the end, my relationships and how I affect other people are the most important to me (I believe I'm here for more than myself). So, in order to "do good", I must be well-regarded by others... therefore, their judgement is, independently if good or bad, right or wrong, the only thing that matters.


Help? :crazy::sad::shocked:


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## strawberryLola (Sep 19, 2010)

You seem to have a lot of harsh critics in your life. One, your uncle being one of the key figures you seem to still feel affected today with.

I grew up with a lot of negativity in my own environment- I wonder if maybe that's something you had to deal with.

It's tough to climb out of a toxic environment when it's somehow played a huge role in your life even though you don't want it to. 

Finding your self-esteem is like re-owning the disowned parts of 'you.' The journey now is to find out who you are, what you are about, and what you want as you gradually let go of other people's expectations of you (which may be socially/culturally related and hard to do). Letting go of that emotional pain is a process.. won't happen over night- similar to breaking away from patterns of addiction- step-by-step with that awareness instead of denial. Sounds like you're already on your way.


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## WickedQueen (Jun 1, 2009)

ENTJam said:


> Help? :crazy::sad::shocked:


*hugs*



ENTJam said:


> 1)Yes. Roman Catholic. Pretty uptight. Church every Sunday. No premarital sex and stuff.


There is a woman in my office. She's beautiful, sexy, smart, has a handsome rich-lawyer boyfriend, success on early age, and she came from rich family. The first time she met me, just like everybody else on earth, she looked down on me. It took few hours for her to figure out that she has judged me wrong. 

First, she asked me "if you can be any actress, who you want to be?". I told her that I never imagine to be someone else. She asked me what makes me feel confident about myself. This was my answer:

"Every living things on earth, no matter how insignificant it is, served for a higher purpose. So is human. There are reasons why God created us with different beliefs, figures, beauty, intelligence, characters, skills, abilities, environment and luck. Each human has their own purpose that serves for a greater purpose. Not only that, we also walk on different path. God gave me this look, in certain conditions and certain luck, because this is what work best for me so that I can 'function' optimally to serve my purpose on earth.

If I'm not satisfied with what God has considers as the best for me, that means I'm being ungrateful and I don't trust Him. If I can't even trust my own God, then what is left for me to trust in this shallow world? It is because I trust that God had provide me the best, I feel satisfied with the way I am. There are many beautiful women in the world, but God had decided that what is best for me is to not have pretty face like them, therefore I trust Him with all my heart. I'm confident not because I think I'm a good person or beautiful or smart or silly stuff like that. I'm confident because I trust my God and I have no fear nor shame to be myself just the way I am."

If you are a religious person, than I think it is important for you to trust that God knows the best for you. He doesn't always give you want you want, but He always give you what you need. You can use all potentials you have to reach what you want, it's fine. But when things doesn't turn out good, then it is also important to accept that as the best condition for you. Every event has a reason. Learn to accept that with full acceptance and sincerity. This will prevent you from feeling frustrated, depressed, insecure, or lost. Only by accepting, will you find the peace in mind.




ENTJam said:


> 2)I... honestly don't know. I LOVE approaching people and get a chat going (though that's pretty much the only time I'll interact with said person, probably), but I'm not particularly good at it. I don't know :/ how do I figure it out?


I know I love reading when I discover my brother's private library. I know I love writing and editing when I enjoy doing my assignment at college. I know I love martial art when I saw kungfu movies. I know I love to dance when I join traditional dance at elementary school. I know I love traveling by myself when my previous job requires me to travel alone across the country.

To know what you love and can do, you need to try new things and experience them by yourself. How can you know if you haven't try it by yourself? Join the clubs to see what your passion is, try new recipe or new sport or new skill, travel to places, try different jobs, join online tests to figure out your talent, consult to a professional, ask your parents what you usually love to do when you're a child, etc. Collect every information available and sort things out by yourself. You only have 2 biggest limits: the sky and your own fear. 




ENTJam said:


> 3)Well... in the end, my relationships and how I affect other people are the most important to me (I believe I'm here for more than myself). So, in order to "do good", I must be well-regarded by others... therefore, their judgement is, independently if good or bad, right or wrong, the only thing that matters.


Oprah said that integrity means doing the right thing even when no one notice. You can't make everybody loves you, that's impossible. Everybody have expectations, and the only way you can make a person to like you is if you reached his/her expectation. But this is a never ending story and extremely tiring, since each individual has different expectations. Your parents, your teacher, your girlfriend, your friends, your community, even your church. There's too many expectations to be fulfilled. By the time you are able to fulfilled those, you will lost yourself. You won't be able to recognized who you really are or the real purpose of your existence anymore, because you're too busy to serve others' expectations of you.

Set your own standard. It's okay if it below the average standard, as long as you have the integrity to keep those standards consistently. It is better to have the integrity to be who you really are than to care about different opinions that derived from different expectations. You can't satisfy everyone. Everyone has their own standard.

For example, in this forum, there are many members that had stated their opinion of me. Some of them hated me and call me a bitch. Few months later, they told me they admire me or that they have a crush on me. Some others said I'm awesome. Few months later, they call me a liar, a bitch, or a bully.

What is that supposed to mean? That means you can't trust these people. They will admire you if your values are similar with them, and they will hate you if you disagree with them. In the end, the only one left that is trustworthy enough, is yourself.

There will be people who disagree with you. Parents, siblings, friends, teachers, girlfriend, co-workers, even your own priest. It's fine. That happens to everyone. You're not an exception. Heck, even the holy prophets have enemies. Some people deserve less than you, some people deserve better than you, but the rest is the one that's truly worth your time. They are the ones that can talk about your flaws with you and just laugh about it _with _you, not _at _you. They are the ones that deserve your attention.


It's probably not the best advice. Haha. I think for me, it's easier to help people IRL than in online. I hope I don't sounds like I'm preaching (but it sounds like I am, lol). Anyway, do you have anything else that you want to share/ask?


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## INTJellectual (Oct 22, 2011)

I kind of relate and I've had the same feeling when I was in my depression era of my teenage years. I have a book called "Your Erroneous Zone" by Dr. Wayne Dyer. You can google it if you want or buy to your local bookstore. It has changed the way I look at life and to the people surrounding me, and most importantly, about myself. I think Dr. Wayne Dyer is an ESTP, and I thank him for his advice about combating these internal demons that could destroy us. And this is what I've learned:

*1. Love yourself.* That's the first and foremost thing. You said that you look good. Well that's nice at least we're one step ahead to reducing your insecurity. Accept everything about yourself, your flaws, your looks, your values, and your total you. Pamper yourself even without occasion. Go to a fine restaurant. Buy nice clothes and everything you want. Why? Because you are worth it.

*2. Other people's opinion are not important.* I notice you are too sensitive by what people say of you. The only thing that is important is YOUR opinion. If you let yourself get hurt by other's opinion, you are letting them having control or power over you. Practice this one. I know it can't be learned overnight. If you plant this advice in your mind, you will reap the rewards of having more control over your life, and you can take charge about what you want in life.

*3. Enjoy the present moment and avoid worrying.* I know this is somewhat ironic to a future-oriented Intuitive like myself, but you are a Sensor and I believe you can apply this with ease. Do what you love to do. Avoid worrying unnecessary problems that haven't come out yet. Enjoy every present moment you are in: enjoy the nature, the smell of flowers, the laughter of good friends, the taste of good food, the long walks along the street. You are worth every good things in this world. Be happy.

This is just a summary of his book, but you could learn a lot in details. You won't need any help from psychiatrist because of his advice. Your neurotic tendencies would be gone just like how it did with myself. Even without self-help books, I think the most important thing is having faith in God and getting strength from Him. He will provide it if you ask. And also, it's a great help to have non-judgmental people around you. It would help if they're morally supporting and encouraging, and understanding of what you are going through.


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## Le Beau Coeur (Jan 30, 2011)

I think self-esteem comes from doing your best to overcome the difficulties of life with integrity and to treat others with as much kindness and respect as possible.


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## EbonyTigger (Apr 13, 2012)

Cut the negative people out of your life and try something new, one thing I'm learning is you can't rely on others for happiness.


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