# Sex on the first date



## FallingSlowly (Jul 1, 2013)

It feels right when it feels right, and I don't care what other people do/how they lead their (sex)lives. It's a thing between two people, no one should judge (but we probably also know that's sadly not the reality of he matter).

I personally don't have a timescale as to what I find an "appropriate" time to wait. I experienced everything from hours to months (strictly speaking even years, because we'd known each other so long beforehand). Strangely, the relationships where sex happened more quickly were the more stable ones, without fail. 

If a guy thinks I'm not relationship material because I have sex with him too quickly, it is very unlikely he is the right person for me either (on top of that, he's a spineless hypocrite with obvious double standards for taking up the "offer" in the first place ). Never happened though.

*in case of a basic first date with no prior contact*
Only happened once and turned into one of my best relationships. The relationship was cut short through no fault of our own (i.e. he died).

*in case of a date resulted from a prior contact, i.e. online dating for example*
I never dated online, just doesn't work for me, so n/a.

*in case of a date resulted from a prior contact i.e. when 2 persons have already met each other IRL, clicked and had a lot of communication afterwords (means mutual physical attraction and mental connection OK; or let's call it initial chemistry)*
Also only happened once, with my current partner whom I've been with for nearly a decade now. It just felt right, we both knew what we felt for each other for a while, and there were a lot of pent-up emotions involved. No regrets whatsoever.

*in the beginning of sexual development (average = early 20s I'd say)*
I was younger than that, and I'd say that I was more anxious/insecure and therefore waited longer. We still get it put into our heads that a woman is a slut for having sex too quickly, so there was undoubtedly some social conditioning going on. I gradually did away with that between my early and mid 20s.

*later on (30s and +)*
I've been with my partner since I crossed that threshold, so not really an issue anymore. Generally speaking though, what I've written in my intro applies - it feels right when it feels right. And if that's on a first date, so be it...


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## bluekitdon (Dec 19, 2012)

emberfly said:


> Who's to say he/she's easy to get in bed with? Maybe you're his/her exception.
> 
> 
> If you had sex with her on the first date, would you lose respect for yourself?


Have and yes I lost respect for her and temporarily for myself. Really a theoretical conversation for me now as I'm married but I learned that lesson about myself and potential partners years ago. I'm not saying it's a horrible thing, just something where it would cause me to pause and really think twice about a partner. If she's doing that with me then what's to stop her from doing that with the next nice guy that comes along? Plus the chances of her carrying something go way up if she's not afraid to jump into bed at the drop of a hat.


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## Effy (Feb 23, 2014)

Annesyl said:


> in case of a basic first date with no prior contact


I don't understand how you would have a first date with no prior contact. How would you have asked them out, or been asked out by them, if you hadn't met before? Unless we're talking about some kind of PUA-style bookstore cold approach? I've never experienced anything like that, nor heard about it happening to anyone I know. Surely that's more an uncommon situation than a 'basic first date'.



Annesyl said:


> in case of a date resulted from a prior contact, i.e. online dating for example


I have very little experience with the online dating thing - I lasted ten days before deleting my profile, not my thing - but if you met someone from an online dating site, the first meeting isn't really like a first date. It's more like the first conversation at the bar than the first time you actually go out intentionally. First dates are always like a kind of test-drive, but when it's a stranger you've typed to rather than talked to, it's more preliminary than ever.



Annesyl said:


> in case of a date resulted from a prior contact i.e. when 2 persons have already met each other IRL, clicked and had a lot of communication afterwards (means mutual physical attraction and mental connection OK; or let's call it initial chemistry)


With a certain amount of prior contact, sure. Particularly if some of it was physical contact - once you've broken that initial touch barrier, everything else becomes so much more comfortable. I've had sex on the first date a couple of times before, but in both cases it was somebody I'd known for a while beforehand - it was just the first official date. Not necessarily friends, but we'd met and had been talking for a while. If you've already decided that you want to sleep with them, why wait? I don't believe in arbitrary timescales for the sake of propriety alone. If the chemistry's strong, sex feels like a natural thing to do.



Annesyl said:


> in the beginning of sexual development (average = early 20s I'd say)
> from a girl's point of view


I'm 20 and female. I don't see anything morally wrong with sleeping with someone on a first date. I don't believe sex has any inherent morality, and I don't see it as dirty or trashy. Personally I need to know somebody a bit before I feel comfortable sleeping with them, but I don't need an emotional connection or to be in a relationship with them. I wouldn't lose respect for someone who had sex on a first date, but I would lose respect for someone who judged someone else for it - or judged me for it. I just feel like sex isn't any more of a big deal than you choose to make it. If you want to wait, then wait; if you don't, don't. There's no right or wrong about it. People should do what they personally feel comfortable with, but not use their own values/attitudes as a yardstick to judge other peoples' actions. Some people equate sex with intimacy, but other people don't. I'm part of the latter group. I need a certain level of trust, for practical reasons as much as anything else, but closeness isn't a prerequisite.







GYX_Kid said:


> But if it seems extremely likely to happen on the first date, either my key is really strong or her lock is really weak, and my key ain't that strong yet, so... next time that happens, I'll be having second thoughts about going all in


This way of thinking fails to account that women have sex drives in the same way that men do and often have sex for exactly the same reasons that men do. The lock and key metaphor is an incredibly faulty one, because sex isn't something that women dislike and resist. You haven't broken down her defences and manipulated her into bed. She decided she wanted to fuck you.




GYX_Kid said:


> Most of the girls I've met, seemed to operate along the lines of "if he hasn't sexualized at all yet, he's either not interested or isn't courageous enough. Now I will close the door to the possibility of attaching those emotions to him, because keeping them would be impractical." Operating that way not based on logic, but on a biologically-programmed level beyond their own awareness.
> 
> I should meet more logical girls, who might actually be able to transcend that instinct (to whatever degree it exists).


It's not necessarily illogical to think that way, though. Physical contact is one of the major differences between friendship and more-than-friendship, and in our culture men tend to be the initiators, so if he hasn't initiated it it makes sense to assume that he's only interested in the former. Also, if the girl was actively interested and confident enough, she might initiate it herself.





GYX_Kid said:


> The infamous yellow fever, then just habit I guess


Racial fetishisation... not a good look.





bluekitdon said:


> Have and yes I lost respect for her and temporarily for myself. Really a theoretical conversation for me now as I'm married but I learned that lesson about myself and potential partners years ago. I'm not saying it's a horrible thing, just something where it would cause me to pause and really think twice about a partner. If she's doing that with me then what's to stop her from doing that with the next nice guy that comes along? Plus the chances of her carrying something go way up if she's not afraid to jump into bed at the drop of a hat.



Much as I respect that some people take sex more seriously than others, this way of thinking is based so much on sexual double standards. It takes two to tango, so by your logic, the fact that you slept with her should make her think twice about you. If you're doing that with her, what's to stop you from doing that with the next nice woman who comes along?

As for the chances of her carrying an STI - even someone who's had one or few partners could be carrying an STI. What makes the difference isn't how much sex she's been having but whether it was _safe_ sex. If you're using barrier methods and/or have both been tested, it makes no difference to your health whether she's slept with one man or a hundred.


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## bluekitdon (Dec 19, 2012)

@Effy, you're very naive about std's and pregnancy. I contracted an std while using a condom, it broke. Same thing can happen with pregnancy, while they are like 99% effective I've lost count of how many I've broken over the years. The only truly "safe sex" is abstinence, although condoms certainly make for safer sex. And personally yes I would want to be with a woman that would also view me having sex on the first date as a negative thing. It's not something that's going to make me say that someone is a horrible person by any means, but it will make me question their judgement.


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## monemi (Jun 24, 2013)

Sex with someone I just met? I don't have a time line for when it's okay, but my worst nagging fear is that I just met Patrick Bateman and I don't just don't know it yet. In theory, I don't have an issue with it. In practice, when I was single, I'm just not that brave. I can survive an unplanned pregnancy, I can survive STI's even the deadly ones have meds that will keep you alive for decades. But if he turned out to be a psycho and my judgment is off, I might not survive the night. Maybe I'm over dramatic, but that's my fear.


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## Emerald Legend (Jul 13, 2010)

emberfly said:


> Who's to say he/she's easy to get in bed with? Maybe you're his/her exception.
> 
> 
> If you had sex with her on the first date, would you lose respect for yourself?



Maybe I don't expect my potential partner to be sexual on the first date? Maybe sex is not something I'm looking for early on, and I would judge people accordingly.


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## OutOfThisWorld (Nov 4, 2013)

emberfly said:


> Who's to say he/she's easy to get in bed with? Maybe you're his/her exception.


Well, we don't know that except that person. It's not like you could really mind read and see whether they are making an exception.

What one has to go on is only their own perception of the situation. What I have to go by is the situation where A) They just met me B) They hardly know me and C) They want to get down and dirty during the first date. If a person wanted to hit the sack with me on the first date, I'm not going to think "Gee, I feel special. They are making an exception for me".

It's like seeing a person wearing homeless garb, walking the streets. I'm not going to think that they are secretly a millionaire who has zero fashion sense (unless they had the face of Johnny Depp).


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## Annesyl (Dec 20, 2013)

Thank you all for your feedback.
It's interesting to see different points of view.

I never experienced sex on the first date so was just kind of curious.
I had only 1 ONS in my life, not even a date, and if I take a look back, I would have never considered him as a boyfriend material. Though not because he had sex with me promptly but because there was no mental connection.
But if there is a huge connection/attraction/chemistry, why not? 
Especially if there was some kind of communication before (don't you think that the Internet changed dating rules?).


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## Annesyl (Dec 20, 2013)

Emerald Legend said:


> Maybe I don't expect my potential partner to be sexual on the first date? Maybe sex is not something I'm looking for early on, and I would judge people accordingly.


Sometimes things that we do not expect do happen.
I can count my partners on less than fingers of one hand.
If it happens to me, I would not be happy to be judged like this... 
Where is open mindness and passion here? Sounds so bias oriented...
I guess the important thing is to be in phase with the person in front of you.


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## Effy (Feb 23, 2014)

bluekitdon said:


> @Effy, you're very naive about std's and pregnancy. I contracted an std while using a condom, it broke. Same thing can happen with pregnancy, while they are like 99% effective I've lost count of how many I've broken over the years. The only truly "safe sex" is abstinence, although condoms certainly make for safer sex. And personally yes I would want to be with a woman that would also view me having sex on the first date as a negative thing. It's not something that's going to make me say that someone is a horrible person by any means, but it will make me question their judgement.


Condoms can break or slip off, I know - but that's why it's not good to rely on them as your sole method of contraception. It's good for a woman to have a second safeguard in place, such as the pill or IUD. As for STIs, in an ideal world you'd get tested between partners and discuss your health status with a new partner before you slept together. Obviously in practice that often doesn't happen, but the option is there. There's no activity out there that doesn't carry a certain level of risk, but you can minimise the risk as far as it's possible to do so. The length of time you've known someone doesn't make any difference to viruses or bacteria. It just makes you more likely to trust them not to lie about it.

I mean, it seems very simple to me - if you don't approve of sex on the first date, don't have sex on the first date. It's completely reasonable to want someone who has similar values to you, but not to expect that person to be the lone moral gatekeeper of whether sex should happen. I just don't understand the mindset of "she slept with me, so now I won't call her" because the man in this situation was equally responsible for it occurring.


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## BlackLion (Mar 29, 2014)

For men: The sooner you have sex with a girl better

King


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## Children Of The Bad Revolution (Oct 8, 2013)

KKKing said:


> For men: The sooner you have sex with a girl better
> 
> King


But not for a woman cause any woman who has sex is a slut,right? 

Sick of this double standard shit.


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## bluekitdon (Dec 19, 2012)

Effy said:


> Condoms can break or slip off, I know - but that's why it's not good to rely on them as your sole method of contraception. It's good for a woman to have a second safeguard in place, such as the pill or IUD. As for STIs, in an ideal world you'd get tested between partners and discuss your health status with a new partner before you slept together. Obviously in practice that often doesn't happen, but the option is there. There's no activity out there that doesn't carry a certain level of risk, but you can minimise the risk as far as it's possible to do so. The length of time you've known someone doesn't make any difference to viruses or bacteria. It just makes you more likely to trust them not to lie about it.
> 
> I mean, it seems very simple to me - if you don't approve of sex on the first date, don't have sex on the first date. It's completely reasonable to want someone who has similar values to you, but not to expect that person to be the lone moral gatekeeper of whether sex should happen. I just don't understand the mindset of "she slept with me, so now I won't call her" because the man in this situation was equally responsible for it occurring.


Hindsight is 20/20. I wouldn't sleep with someone on the first date again. Or anytime for quite awhile into the relationship. My judgment was off when I allowed this to happen. I realize others have different views but that's mine to answer the ops question.


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## BlackLion (Mar 29, 2014)

isingthebodyelectric said:


> But not for a woman cause any woman who has sex is a slut,right?
> 
> Sick of this double standard shit.


U mad? I didn't say nothing about womans.

King


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## Laybunny (Mar 28, 2014)

It sort of depends what both are looking for. If they both just want a one-night stand, then I suppose more power to them-- but I often see girls sleeping with guys on the first date or in the beginning and then the guy just stops talking to them after it, because obviously he has gotten what he wanted but she was looking for a romantic long-term relationship. So I suppose if a girl wants a romantic relationship, she really should wait before sleeping with him, or else (with exceptions, of course) he may wind up losing respect for her.


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## firedell (Aug 5, 2009)

Do whatever you want. 

Personally, I have never had sex on the first date, mainly because it takes me some time to realise that I want to have sex with them, not because I'm prudish about it.


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## Children Of The Bad Revolution (Oct 8, 2013)

KKKing said:


> U mad? I didn't say nothing about womans.
> 
> King


You implied the difference with the 'For men:' part, tho.


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## Emerald Legend (Jul 13, 2010)

Annesyl said:


> Sometimes things that we do not expect do happen.
> I can count my partners on less than fingers of one hand.
> *Good for you.*
> 
> ...


...


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## Annesyl (Dec 20, 2013)

Emerald Legend said:


> ...


So basically if I get it right, it looks like this for you:
sex on the first date= the person is not worth respecting?


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## Emerald Legend (Jul 13, 2010)

Annesyl said:


> So basically if I get it right, it looks like this for you:
> sex on the first date= the person is not worth respecting?


Yes..but only when I'm considering the person as my partner. 
I would not care about judging Joe/Jane somebody doing the same thing because..well, their lives do not concern me, and I would not treat them differently than I treat other strangers. Is there any respect there? Sure, a mutual respect between strangers. Their sexual habits do not concern me unless I'm interested in them sexually. That's when the judgement/bias kicks in.


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## Children Of The Bad Revolution (Oct 8, 2013)

Emerald Legend said:


> Yes..but only when I'm considering the person as my partner.
> I would not care about judging Joe/Jane somebody doing the same thing because..well, their lives do not concern me, and I would not treat them differently than I treat other strangers. Is there any respect there? Sure, a mutual respect between strangers. Their sexual habits do not concern me unless I'm interested in them sexually. That's when the judgement/bias kicks in.


This makes more sense.


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## Surreal Snake (Nov 17, 2009)

If it feels natural between two people then go for it.Waiting till the second date because of some "preconceived societal morality" makes no sense to me.


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## loving2011 (Nov 6, 2012)

Edit


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## loving2011 (Nov 6, 2012)

As someone who has waited and not waited, I would not recommend sex on the first date even if you knew the person prior. It's just too risky, unless you're strong enough to deal with the pain of things not working out and having short-lived dating situations. I don't care if other people have sex on the first date, but I prefer the build up of tension/mystery. I also like to look at results and evidence. So far, my life experiences show me that waiting yields better results than doing it right away.


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## BlackLion (Mar 29, 2014)

isingthebodyelectric said:


> You implied the difference with the 'For men:' part, tho.


I didn't imply shit. I just gave a basic fact regarding men.

You might wanna work on that reading skills and understanding ones as well.

King


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## Children Of The Bad Revolution (Oct 8, 2013)

KKKing said:


> I didn't imply shit. I just gave a basic fact regarding men.
> 
> You might wanna work on that reading skills and understanding ones as well.
> 
> King


So why did you write For Men: in particular then?


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## BlackLion (Mar 29, 2014)

isingthebodyelectric said:


> So why did you write For Men: in particular then?


Because the statement made is not applicable for women.


King


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## Children Of The Bad Revolution (Oct 8, 2013)

KKKing said:


> Because the statement made is not applicable for women.
> 
> 
> King


Why not?


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## BlackLion (Mar 29, 2014)

isingthebodyelectric said:


> Why not?


Because I love chocolate


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## mrscientist (Jul 4, 2010)

KKKing said:


> I didn't imply shit. I just gave a basic fact regarding men.
> 
> You might wanna work on that reading skills and understanding ones as well.
> 
> King


No need to get ghetto up in here.


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## Kingdom Crusader (Jan 4, 2012)

Well, if it's someone I've just met not long ago, then I'd probably hold off on the sex for a while. But if it's say someone I've known for like a couple of years.... I might consider doing it on the first date if the attraction was that magnetic.


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## mental blockstack (Dec 15, 2011)

Effy said:


> This way of thinking fails to account that women have sex drives in the same way that men do and often have sex for exactly the same reasons that men do. The lock and key metaphor is an incredibly faulty one, because sex isn't something that women dislike and resist. You haven't broken down her defences and manipulated her into bed. She decided she wanted to fuck you.


That metaphor is more about the fact that men are expected to be the initiators, like you said.
You're apparently Ti-dominant (an anomaly for females), but many women function in a way that is more reactive to their own emotions. When applied to human interactions, this means that there tends to be an amount of influencing their decision using situational seduction (not manipulation or coercion per se). It is definitely far from an exact science, and is in fact more complex than we are making it out to be. In any event, it's the sleazy salesman-players who cause buyers' remorse in their "buyers." Both parties should end up happy with the transaction.




Effy said:


> It's not necessarily illogical to think that way, though. Physical contact is one of the major differences between friendship and more-than-friendship, and in our culture men tend to be the initiators, so if he hasn't initiated it it makes sense to assume that he's only interested in the former. Also, if the girl was actively interested and confident enough, she might initiate it herself.


What if he was unsure of how to communicate interest...or even of his own feelings of interest? Would you reconsider him for sexual potential? Probably not, because your idea about him had been irreparably set in stone at that point. Friend-zoned.
I'm not necessarily blaming anyone for that defective human (not just female) fault of categorizing people without giving them a second chance.... but if people were somehow more perfect, they could theoretically realize and grow past that illogical cognitive process.
It applies to females more, because male criteria for attractiveness in the opposite sex is usually way more slanted towards physical beauty alone. In other words, guys could still see themselves fucking their friends. (Still generalizing.)




Effy said:


> Racial fetishisation... not a good look.


I prefer to call it personal taste in physical beauty, fetish makes it sound more like a destructive paraphilia




Effy said:


> As for the chances of her carrying an STI - even someone who's had one or few partners could be carrying an STI. What makes the difference isn't how much sex she's been having but whether it was _safe_ sex. If you're using barrier methods and/or have both been tested, it makes no difference to your health whether she's slept with one man or a hundred.


What about swallowing?
Also, barriers aren't always completely impenetrable Condom effectiveness in reducing ... [Cochrane Database Syst Rev. 2002] - PubMed - NCBI


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## donkeybals (Jan 13, 2011)

In the past, I've assumed that women who want to have sex right away have had a lot of partners. Something to keep in mind. 

?

Also, not saying that its good or bad either.


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## Annesyl (Dec 20, 2013)

donkeybals said:


> In the past, I've assumed that women who want to have sex right away have had a lot of partners. Something to keep in mind.
> 
> ?
> 
> Also, not saying that its good or bad either.


"A lot" is relative, no?


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## Effy (Feb 23, 2014)

GYX_Kid said:


> That metaphor is more about the fact that men are expected to be the initiators, like you said.
> You're apparently Ti-dominant (an anomaly for females), but many women function in a way that is more reactive to their own emotions. When applied to human interactions, this means that there tends to be an amount of influencing their decision using situational seduction (not manipulation or coercion per se). It is definitely far from an exact science, and is in fact more complex than we are making it out to be. In any event, it's the sleazy salesman-players who cause buyers' remorse in their "buyers." Both parties should end up happy with the transaction.


The problem I have with the idea of seduction is that it implies persuading someone into something they didn't originally want to do.

Of course the way a person acts is part of what makes them attractive, but if somebody sleeps with you you can assume it's because she finds you attractive and wants to have sex with you, not because you led her into doing it.






GYX_Kid said:


> What if he was unsure of how to communicate interest...or even of his own feelings of interest? Would you reconsider him for sexual potential? Probably not, because your idea about him had been irreparably set in stone at that point. Friend-zoned.
> I'm not necessarily blaming anyone for that defective human (not just female) fault of categorizing people without giving them a second chance.... but if people were somehow more perfect, they could theoretically realize and grow past that illogical cognitive process.
> It applies to females more, because male criteria for attractiveness in the opposite sex is usually way more slanted towards physical beauty alone. In other words, guys could still see themselves fucking their friends. (Still generalizing.)


If he hasn't communicated his interest, how am I supposed to know he's interested?

Also, bluntly, probably the greatest factor in why I wouldn't fuck any of my male friends is because I don't find them physically beautiful. I wouldn't fuck them if we weren't friends, either. But there's also the part where I don't want to complicate or potentially ruin a relationship that already has value to me. It isn't worth the risk. Either way, it's not really to do with having locked someone in one category and only being able to see them in that way.






GYX_Kid said:


> What about swallowing?
> Also, barriers aren't always completely impenetrable Condom effectiveness in reducing ... [Cochrane Database Syst Rev. 2002] - PubMed - NCBI


I repeat from my last post: _There's no activity out there that doesn't carry a certain level of risk, but you can minimise the risk as far as it's possible to do so._


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## petite libellule (Jul 4, 2012)

gross.


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## devoid (Jan 3, 2011)

Met a guy online, ignored him on and off for over a month when he kept texting me because I thought he seemed like a douche. He convinced me to meet in person, and the instant we locked eyes I knew I wanted him. We ended up in a surprisingly passionate kiss - right there in his car - and have been madly in love ever since. I definitely fucked him on the first date.

Studies show that many marriages actually begin as a one night stand (Your mother was wrong: One-night stands CAN lead to marriage | Babs Ray). If a man or woman tells you that they wouldn't marry someone who put out on the first date... well, I'm sure they will end up finding someone with the same values to marry. I personally don't care, but I have numerous friends who married as virgins or who are waiting for marriage and I respect them enormously.

I think people who have sex on the first date just really like having sex. My boyfriend and I are both hypersexual and the first few weeks we were together we would spend ~7 hours out of 24 just fucking. I don't think either of us has the willpower to wait for marriage - and yes, we have both tried abstaining before. I lasted a month only because I had an ovarian cyst before falling to my animal urges. Thank God I was born in a time when women are free to be shameless sluts.


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## Annesyl (Dec 20, 2013)

NK said:


> gross.


What is gross please?


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## Annesyl (Dec 20, 2013)

devoid said:


> Met a guy online, ignored him on and off for over a month when he kept texting me because I thought he seemed like a douche. He convinced me to meet in person, and the instant we locked eyes I knew I wanted him. We ended up in a surprisingly passionate kiss - right there in his car - and have been madly in love ever since. I definitely fucked him on the first date.
> 
> Studies show that many marriages actually begin as a one night stand (Your mother was wrong: One-night stands CAN lead to marriage | Babs Ray). If a man or woman tells you that they wouldn't marry someone who put out on the first date... well, I'm sure they will end up finding someone with the same values to marry. I personally don't care, but I have numerous friends who married as virgins or who are waiting for marriage and I respect them enormously.
> 
> I think people who have sex on the first date just really like having sex. My boyfriend and I are both hypersexual and the first few weeks we were together we would spend ~7 hours out of 24 just fucking. I don't think either of us has the willpower to wait for marriage - and yes, we have both tried abstaining before. I lasted a month only because I had an ovarian cyst before falling to my animal urges. Thank God I was born in a time when women are free to be shameless sluts.


Thank you, beautiful story.
Nevertheless, I am a bit uncomfortable with your term "shameless sluts"...
I like sex and am playful but do not consider myself as slutty.

After having read your post, I was just thinking one thing. 
I cannot understand how people can crave marriage without having tested sex before. 
You surely do not need to fuck on the first date for that but... marriage at 18 without having tried it sounds irrealistic.


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## petite libellule (Jul 4, 2012)

Annesyl said:


> What is gross please?


It's not gross if other people do it. Just to me, the prospect seems gross. I would be a lil unnerved if I just met someone and they wanted to move from 0-10. Never mind std's.


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## DemonD (Jun 12, 2012)

If they both want it I see no problems.


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## 80047 (Mar 21, 2014)

Annesyl said:


> I wish it was that simple. But there are still a lot of cliche out there.
> I was discussing this lately and for example it comes out that a lot of men do not consider a woman as a girlfriend/wife material if sex occured on the first date. Even if this sex experience was consensual as you say.


From my experience, NTs don't care about this and NFs do. (i don't know too many S types so can't say anything about them)


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## Tao Te Ching (May 3, 2013)

Yes please!


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## Chesire Tower (Jan 19, 2013)

NM


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## devoid (Jan 3, 2011)

Annesyl said:


> Thank you, beautiful story.
> Nevertheless, I am a bit uncomfortable with your term "shameless sluts"...
> I like sex and am playful but do not consider myself as slutty.
> 
> ...


I've researched the topic actually, and spoken to people who were virgins when they married. Kissing is actually nature's way of testing sexual compatibility, as it shares pheromones and produces bonding hormones. Some of the people I know who married as virgins are not sexually compatible and struggle in their marriage, but they all reportedly got married "because it seemed like it was expected." Other people I know married as virgins and later fell madly in love - and one of those couples was an arranged marriage. It's risky, for sure, but some of the more responsible religious institutions will counsel a couple on sex and love before the wedding to try to prevent issues like marrying for convenience.


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## mrscientist (Jul 4, 2010)

On the first date? No. Not my style.


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## mental blockstack (Dec 15, 2011)

Effy said:


> probably the greatest factor in why I wouldn't fuck any of my male friends is because I don't find them physically beautiful. I wouldn't fuck them if we weren't friends, either. But there's also the part where I don't want to complicate or potentially ruin a relationship that already has value to me. It isn't worth the risk. Either way, it's not really to do with having locked someone in one category and only being able to see them in that way.


That may perhaps be the way you are. I won't be so arrogant as to assume I know you as a person better than you know yourself.
However, keep in mind you're speaking about yourself, not an entire gender of people.
I realize the friend-zone is a controversial topic, since it has certain implications...which makes it all the more important to dig into and understand objectively. In my subjective experience, letting too much time pass has been the fault that killed some opportunities. It's what made me turn from attractive with more-than-friends-potential, to having my identity forgotten about and recreated in her mind after long periods of distance. Not always, but it has definitely happened more than once. There are probably complex social reasons for this as well. All I can do is keep learning.


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## changos (Nov 21, 2011)

Annesyl said:


> What's your opinion regarding having sex on the first date?


There are too many risks, call me old fashion/old school.

*in case of a basic first date with no prior contact*. I try to see it "exciting" but all that comes to my mind is keeping my senses alert, I don't think I would enjoy it or really try it.

*in case of a date resulted from a prior contact, i.e. online dating for example*. Been there. We chatted for like 3 weeks not too often and finally got together, we liked each other and she invited me home (if you think about it, we were strangers and that was risky for both of us) we talked a lot and then talked about sex and had sex. I don't think we fully enjoyed it but we enjoyed the sex that was about to come. We were very good friends, I miss her, she was one of the smartest women I ever known. 

*in case of a date resulted from a prior contact i.e. when 2 persons have already met each other IRL, clicked and had a lot of communication afterwords (means mutual physical attraction and mental connection OK; or let's call it initial chemistry)*. I think my previous answer fits this.

*in the beginning of sexual development (average = early 20s I'd say).* From my point of view... Exciting, both have sex in our eyes but it would be FAR to risky because IMHO it's too soon, I would think it's a sign of lack of attention and perhaps affection.

*later on (30s and +). *Very likely to happen. I've seen people more aware of the risks and doing amazing quick checking on the fly. BUT I must confess a mental connection is more of my interest lately (I had and still have all the sex I could want right now). Things change, sex is not a priority as when I was younger, what I mean is in my life nowadays, sex is easier to get than a nice mental or emotional connection (and I believe this applies to many my age).

*from a guy's point of view*. Where I live sounds exciting but also sounds dangerous and trap like. I believe things can evolve but it would be a problem for both to deal with it, it's difficult to believe the "_that was the first time ever I tried that_" and it applies for both man and women in my experience. Men can be more aware of this while women will only in time of discussions I think.

*from a girl's point of view. *I don't know... but where I live, as much as things as changing, sex is considered a favor you receive from women (I disagree).


I got to know a lot of people from other countries and it was fun, some were very open to sex "I don't care about you" style, others were not so concerned about it, open, yes. But in my country women expect very diff things, it almost doesn't matter how it starts, they worry too much about what you think of them. This could mean a great start but a difficult evolution due to being insecure. Social networking has a lot of incidence, but I see more and more people having sex with strangers (but they dont want them as part of their life).


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## googoodoll (Oct 20, 2013)

Annesyl said:


> Thank you all for your feedback.
> It's interesting to see different points of view.
> 
> I never experienced sex on the first date so was just kind of curious.
> ...


it's risky... and all the evidence points that you may not see him again afterwards, if you're willing to take that gamble than by all means go ahead.



> Where is open mindness and passion here? Sounds so bias oriented...


why bother asking for our opinions then?


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## googoodoll (Oct 20, 2013)

KKKing said:


> King


Pauper*


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## Frenetic Tranquility (Aug 5, 2011)

In my experience, sex on the first date is very common. It also seems that there is a false notion that sex on the first date will lead to a failed relationship with some men, and those same men perpetuate that idea by agreeing with the premise.

Reality: The men who do not want to be with a woman post first date sex, never wanted to be with that woman. IN NO REAL WORLD does a man engage in sex, and afterward say "oh I don't actually like her afterall because she chose me". This is complete nonsense. But since it's an easy scapegoat, women will put the blame on putting out too soon, and men will put the blame on the woman putting out. Both are essentially lying, to themelves or the other party.

Another factor: I have noticed that women want to have sex, but do not want to seem slutty, so they will say they don't do that, and don't want to yet, but then push the sexual envelope through their actions. 

This scenario happened to me two weeks ago: woman claimed to be very anti-sex on first date or even sex within 6 dates. I had no intention of anything, but she requested after our date to "go back and play dominion" at my house, which is a card game we both had played before. After only a short game, she requested to see my computer (I had mentioned something about it), which she knew was in my room. Again I wasn't really expecting anything or cared. But in my room, she becomes sexually forward, and that was that. The thing is, this is not an isolated incident, and in fact I should start expecting things to unfold sexually rather than being surprised by it.

I personally have had first date sex that lead to a relationship many times, and I don't see the problem with it. But then again, I perceive strangers as friends mostly, so it's not too weird feeling to me. I think it's an ENP thing, to be quite fine with quick sex when we are attracted, because we can feel like we are close to someone quite quickly.


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## monemi (Jun 24, 2013)

Frenetic Tranquility said:


> Another factor: I have noticed that women want to have sex, but do not want to seem slutty, so they will say they don't do that, and don't want to yet, but then push the sexual envelope through their actions.


Some of the girlfriends I've known who've said the most nasty things about hooking up, move faster than I ever did. At this point, I wonder if the whole 'protest too much' thing is going on there.


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## eydimork (Mar 19, 2014)

I am too insecure to have sex on a first date --- but I do it anyway, and the sex ends up bad. 

People are different. If you can hump a corpse, and get off on it, good for you. I don't care.


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## Annesyl (Dec 20, 2013)

googoodoll said:


> it's risky... and all the evidence points that you may not see him again afterwards, if you're willing to take that gamble than by all means go ahead.
> 
> 
> why bother asking for our opinions then?


I do not consider this experience, I am in relationship.
Was curious about how others see it, I am not seaching for an advice, thank you.
What is somewhat "evidence" for one person is not for another.


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## Sunn (Mar 12, 2014)

Annesyl said:


> What's your opinion regarding having sex on the first date?
> 
> Options to take into account, let's speculate a bit :
> 
> ...


She better be a damn good friend of mine or else I'm seriously questioning why I stuck my dick in her.


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## Dupree (Feb 21, 2010)

There are those first dates that include decent conversation but ultimately entail parting ways at the end of the night to make time for the rest of life. Then there are those first dates where we go on an epic wander through the night during which establishments are shut down, mild urban or rural trespassing is sought, and the visceral melding of our minds lands us in bed together at the end of the night.


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## Annesyl (Dec 20, 2013)

ItsSunnyOutHere said:


> She better be a damn good friend of mine or else I'm seriously questioning why I stuck my dick in her.


I can understand your position, nevertheless your vulgarity seems gross to me.


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## Donovan (Nov 3, 2009)

there are concerns, probably kind of the same on both sides. 

i wouldn't want to think that a potential somebody would be "easy", or that they'd be easily led to someone else's bed/(car). sex isn't the same for everyone, but for me, with anything to be had in mind, it becomes something personal (as opposed to it being a "just-sex"-situation). 

somebody sleeping with another on the first date can put these worries into play, but there's a multitude of reasons as to _why_ the person is doing it... i don't know about everyone else, but i don't think "oh, she must be a slut if she slept with _me_ so easily". maybe it's not a bad thing, but a "these two people really hit it off"-thing.


everyone has their preferences and their codes of sorts, but i can't help but think that those that'll call others out on their sexual proclivities only do so because they're unsatisfied with their own sex, or lack of.


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## Sunn (Mar 12, 2014)

Annesyl said:


> I can understand your position, nevertheless your vulgarity seems gross to me.


That's what happens for most people reading my replys haha. Apologies. :wink:


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

At the risk of seeming "old fashioned," I say sex on the first date is fine--for casual dating. The kind of dating one does when in high school and college. If either party has any illusions of going for something more long-term, it's better to put sex off for a while. I sort of learned this the hard way.


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## snail (Oct 13, 2008)

Annesyl said:


> What's your opinion regarding having sex on the first date?
> 
> Options to take into account, let's speculate a bit :
> 
> ...


no prior contact -- not for me, but I know that some people are into it
resulting from online dating -- would have been possible, but we did the naked cuddling thing instead
with real life friendship -- sure, that could have happened
early twenties -- perhaps a bit early in my case, but some are mature at that age
later on -- sure, I guess, under the right conditions


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## Fern (Sep 2, 2012)

I, Fern, would never, under any circumstances, engage in P-in-V sexual intercourse on a first date.

But people can do what they please.

But I mean, when I went on my first "_real_" date in high school, we made out pretty hard, and if he wasn't so sweet and respectful, it might have led to much more. We will never know...


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## SharpestNiFe (Dec 16, 2012)

It really depends. If we REALLY hit it off (aside from sexual tension/attraction), and it's just a "HOLY SHIT EVEN THE WEIRD THINGS ABOUT THIS GIRL MAKE SENSE TO ME," and there's a feeling of "WAIT....IS THIS A SETUP? DID ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS TELL YOU HOW TO ACT WITH ME JUST TO KEEP MY HOPES UP?" (sorry for the caps), then I'm perfectly fine with sex on the first date. And the second. And the 3rd, 4th, 5th, ..., 23452nd....

Unless the sex is bad. Then it's one MAYBE two and done.

Other than that, if I think it's promising, and the girl offers sex on the first date, if I REALLY like her, I'll try and slow things down. If I think she's hot, but I'm not THAT into her, I'll have sex and then never call her again. If I'm not into her AND there is no attraction, then that's that....but sometimes I'll do a 2nd date just to think if there was something else going on (like one of us had a bad day and it affected how I felt about her OR she didn't want to tell me, but it affected how she was about me).

If there is no sex by the 3rd date (unless it's already mentioned that we will be having sex at a later time than 3rd date), then my attraction would probably have expired.


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## nuut (Jan 13, 2014)

Yeah i'd be into it as long as we're both consenting and using precautions to avoid STIs and pregnancy.


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## Das Brechen (Nov 26, 2011)

I think it's acceptable proving it's consensual. How the woman carries herself and not that the act itself is how I decide if there will be a second date.


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## Frenetic Tranquility (Aug 5, 2011)

What about pre-first date sex? I mean, why are we limiting ourselves to actually going on a date. Jeez.


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## Du Toit (Mar 2, 2014)

If I have sex with you on the first date, that'll probably be the last time we meet. That's a no for me, as much as I -think- will enjoy it.


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## shameless (Apr 21, 2014)

It really depends a lot on peoples perspectives and ages and everything. 

I have been both restrained in dating as well as had sex on a first date a few times. And frankly the cookie crumbles differently depending on different things. 

I had relationship outcomes from some first date sex encounters, as well as not a relationship. And also had relationship outcomes from some restrained and waited encounters, as well as not a relationship.

I think honestly I have sewn a lot of my more wild oats so I am becoming more restrained again. But I mean circumstances do matter. You know if you talked to someone for a long time or something and built something with them i.e. thru internet, or mutual friends.

Sex on a first date is not something I try and judge as I have done it. But its not something I am really looking to seek or be carefree about as much as I have prior. But when I have been like that more prior I was more in a free spirited stage out of relationships, you know rebounding. I have been single a while so I think its just more when someone is more ready to settle down they are not as maybe carefree about it as if they are playing the field so to speak for fun.

Playing the field can have its purpose in experience, but its not really something that I think is a fun perpetual amusement lifelong cycle.

These things all seem to have their place in life events and play in all that.


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## sassysquid (Jul 16, 2014)

I certainly would not do that on the first date if I saw long term potential in the person. For me personally, I wouldn't feel comfortable going all out on a first date when I'm invested. When I feel a special connection with someone I think having sex too early on doesn't match the pace at which I show my vulnerability to a person, and that messes up the flow of the relationship for me. I like to slowly open up emotionally, and sex with someone I'm invested in is very emotional, unlike casual hook-ups.

If it were just a friends with benefits or one night stand situation, it's more detached and purely physical, kind of like masturbation, because it's objective and straightforward. In these cases, I'm not opposed to having sex on the first date. And none of this really has much to do with social conventions. It's just my personal preference and what I am comfortable with. I don't care for what social conventions dictate about when or how people should have sex, because they really don't hold much truth to them.


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## Yamato (Dec 21, 2014)

Annesyl said:


> What's your opinion regarding having sex on the first date?
> 
> Options to take into account, let's speculate a bit :
> 
> ...


In case of a basic first date whit no prior contact : if things go well i might .
In case of a date resulted from prior contact i.e. online dating for example : if i still think i like you when we meet in real live i might .
In case of a date resulted from prior contact i.e. when 2 personds have already met each other IRL , clicked and had a lot of comunication afterwords ( means mutual physical attraction and mental/emotional conection ( chemistry ) Sure i would do you .
My sexual development started at a young age , i think i was 8 when i for the first time playd dokter and patient whit the girl next door and got catcht by her father when we tryd to physicle examin eithater . was fun do , even if i had to run for my life afterwards .

From a istp guy point of view .


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## Aarya (Mar 29, 2016)

Ha, I wanted to make this topic myself but i like that there are like 10 already, albeit old, if that even matters 🤭

For those who want long-term relationships, family and kids but still have sex on the first date:

I am not sure what's going on in those people's minds that think sex on the first date (or first time to someone's house, or first time doing an activity together) is more rewarding than holding off intentionally to build up some good energy and firecracking expectations (like my word? firecracking).

I'm actually not against it (I wouldn't vote "No way"), but then for me to do it I end up objectifying the person to a degree.

First, ask yourself the following question: have you felt the arousing sensations on your skin/hair/stomach from someone touching/dancing/whispering something to you, on the first date?
Have they continued after you've had sex with them on your first date or on the first time of visiting each other's houses or similar, you get the drill?

Because I have experienced amazing sensations on my skin and in my stomach area from people I've never met, had just met, and touched me, or whispered something to me, or danced with me, and then I could feel their intensity and also probably feel enticed myself. I know there are people who have never had what I just described in over 34 years of living, like my ex, so he doesn't know how to tell the difference.
I also, however, know that, if I were to just sleep with them right away, these sensations would pretty much wear off, in most cases. Because they are primarily created by a mix of expectations, good opinion, curiosity, all that.
My opinion is that they mostly disappear quickly if you engage in sexual relationships right away, because that's the nature of the human brain, where there is no previous emotional or intellectual connection. Please agree or disagree and state why through your exp.

2nd, it is the most ancient thing to hook someone up with kissing and sex. It's literally the easiest thing to keep someone close to you with, because of the hormonal release of endorphins and craving for intimate touches and massages or relaxation.
It is also what people have asked me the most for in my life (guys, straight, of any age). It is by far the most common request in me meeting new people with an interest in myself. It is much harder to try and establish an intellectual connection first and a package of expectations. This is why I consider sex/kissing first inferior, too many want it right off the bat and then it's up to me to refrain and build some expectations, which can be annoying.
I'm not saying I may not want to sleep with them, because I might fantasize about it, but do it and then stuff wears off quickly, so it's not an effective approach.
Most people who've never questioned these "love tactics" are afraid that if they try to keep it on a mental level without sex the partner would just leave. I think it depends on whether you can show a degree of affection, protectiveness or related, without becoming physically sexual that very night, which is very important.

3rd, how do you know if they carry anything like herpes, warts, papilloma, etc.?
Those are so fucking widespread. Someone who wants to sleep with you ASAP will never tell you those things, very rarely. 70% of men and women carry it, HPV 4% of women (Europe statistics, guys don't get checked for it because it doesn't manifest in them, so their percentages are bigger). In an ideal world you actually also check for their RhD (positive or negative) because if they don't match yours your future as a couple with children will be sawed in half in most countries, unless you have a good financial situation (my best friend has negative RhD so her chances of giving birth to stillborns or malformed fetus from a guy with positive RhD are tenfold).

I don't ask these specific questions right off the bat of course but I check to see fi the person I am chatting with has some degree of medical/biological knowledge.

Say you want to sleep with someone you just met and you have the surprise that for 30 years they didn't know lube can be used on condoms as long as the lube is water-based. Yeah, well, they'll be stressed for the next 30 mins "what if something breaks" unless they trust you, which idk who does on the first date. Oh there are so many mature guys who have no idea they can use lube with condoms.

I'm happy for people who find it a rewarding experience though. Please describe how you make it rewarding off the bat and if it does end up being rewarding long-term, or long-lasting.

Don't get me wrong, I think it's very important to want to sleep with the other when you enter a rl. Do it in your head, or tell them your desires, but imo don't just do it on the 1st of whatever it is (date, visit, first time alone, etc.)

Truth is most people will want the physical connection first, and only a very slight pre-existing intellectual one. Probably because everyone becomes idealistic on a mental level in terms of what they want to hear or talk about/debate. Practice beats theory right? Then go play something or throw some axes at a sports arena, take a quiz or something, you noobs, don't just talk about intellectualism, if you don't like to just talk about it.


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## nicoloco90 (May 3, 2010)

I think that we all have our ideas and rules, until we meet a certain someone that just subverts it all and we can't explain why that is. This can apply to many things in life of course.


* *





Last month I had sex / slept with INFP female at her house on a first date. It was unexpected, but very natural in an atmospheric sense i guess. Sure we had some chats and good banter before meeting up. So we met up in person at the forest / beach for a walk, then cancelled the planned picknick because of bad weather and instead decided to bake pancakes at her place (a plan B we had in mind). -- obviously I checked-in with her a few times considering the level of comfort / trust, just to be sure. I'm still an internet stranger and older than her.

So we did groceries and chilled at her place for a bit. I performed some DIY for her while she was baking pancakes (one of the blinders dropped from the ceiling the day before). She fed me bacon pancakes while I balanced on a ladder. We also drank a few cocktails (apparently a hobby of hers). After dinner we started cuddling and making out on the sofa for 6 hours in a candle-lit room and nice sensual background music.
The sofa turned out not being all that comfortable and by midnight we were quite tired so we decided to continue the cuddle session in the bed. I tried my lucid dreaming playlist for some added magic but we were too distracted to get into it (obviously).
We barely slept at all that night and we ended up being blown-away and totally out of our minds as to figure out how it was possible that everything went so fast and so smoothly. Basically we discovered great amounts of compatibility and liking / trusting each other and that we liked each other, without saying the actually words. So I said something alone the lines of.... ''you know what this means right?'' ... and ... ''you know that I know what you know'' ... and she would agree without hesitation.
She would also say things like being able to be her weird silly self with me instantly, instead of having to warm up to that trust for a month with other guys. Yeah, we were playing into our own weirdnesses pretty well. That's more satisfying than just sex though. 

Great and fun and idealistic as it all may seem, of course I've never seen her again after that because she was still heartbroken and healing from a former love interest of hers that was still fresh etc. etc. etc. yada yada yada -- although I caught her online-location the next weekend to be only one town over from my place (at very early morning), even though she lived much much farther away. Hmmmm speculation..... haha. Oh well. For me, the anti-climax (pun intended) in this story is yuuuuuuge.
Lame thing for me is that things like these only happen once in a few years (and creating chances like these takes absurd amount of patience). Probably easier for her to brush me off as a commodity lol and move on-- and i'm still here writing in this space ... but ... ye, the experience is worth it.

(I will just conveniently leave out the part where I was being blue afterwards for a week or so because I realised this was not going to be more than a one night stand).


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## Hexigoon (Mar 12, 2018)

It isn't a big deal to me, if a person doesn't want sex then that's fine, but I wouldn't really be inclined to go on romantic dates with someone if there wasn't already an established sexual connection between us.
Guess I don't really see the appeal of the casual blind-date sorta thing that might not go anywhere.


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

Not for me.

I feel like it takes time to get to know someone's mind from multiple perspectives.

I'm a slow learner with physical to some degree as well, and it takes time to learn someone's body--I would rather the sexual experience be rewarding and not me fumbling around pressing buttons to see what does what when I barely know someone.

I would rather learn how they prefer to be touched, what they are comfortable with, what their dreams and values are, over time, so that when we finally have sex it is something they really enjoy. Plus, giving time for feelings to grow or diminish helps ensure that the person really wants it and that it's not going to be something they or I regret--because people are different emotionally and they have different wants for relationships and sex.

So even while it might be tempting, I'm just not really into it. I'd rather cuddle or something and put it off till both people are sure about it. It takes me longer than one date to know.


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## Aarya (Mar 29, 2016)

Annesyl said:


> What's your opinion regarding having sex on the first date?
> 
> in case of a basic first date with no prior contact
> in case of a date resulted from a prior contact, i.e. online dating for example
> ...


Ah, I did not answer the fun criteria:
-basic date no prior contact: has never happened, I can't swear that it will never happen, but my default mode is holding my horses, so it's a no with a 2.5% possibility of maybe. 
-date resulted from prior contact (online dating): I could, I have less of a stigma if I had already chatted to the person. Had an online thing. But never done it.
-date resulted from a prior contact i.e. when 2 persons have already met each other IRL, clicked and had a lot of communication afterwords (means mutual physical attraction and mental connection OK; or let's call it initial chemistry): no. If it had reached this point then I'd be 100% ready to invest in a serious relationship, which to me isn't as good if we sleep first thing. 
-early 20s? age or the first 20 days of a rl? I'm now halfway through and I never slept with anyone on first sight 🤭
-early 30s as in age, hopefully I won't crave it that badly and will have a more stable romantic/sexual situation . Of course, can't predict the future.
-Guys: I somehow assume they have less of a stigma for that than girls. 
-Girls: I feel they're less likely to do it as a default and more likely to do it when hurt or in emotional pain of sorts.


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## islandlight (Aug 13, 2013)

Too many variables, so it's impossible to generalize.


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

Annesyl said:


> What's your opinion regarding having sex on the first date?
> 
> Options to take into account, let's speculate a bit :
> 
> ...


Oh yeah...I didn't answer the OP either--just the title. Answer bolded.


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## recycled_lube_oil (Sep 30, 2021)

A lot of it would depend on the person. For me at least there is no one size fits all.


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## shameless (Apr 21, 2014)

I am Late 30s now.

I see I answered this in 2014 (that would have put me at 30 back then). I was more open to sex on a first date back then. Makes sense I was not that interested in tying myself down. Also was getting over divorce.

Currently I do not have an interest in sex on a first date. I have not had sex on a first date in almost four years. Just does not interest me. As for what other people do, not my business. I do not really care to speculate much on other people and what they are doing. At least in an unproductive critical way.

I know some of what I did in the past was subconsciously tied to some other prior events. In my case I probably should have been treated for quite a few things related to PTSD at the time. So I am really not a big fan of slut shaming. I usually assume there is an underlined concern not being addressed, if people are doing it more routinely. Sex on a first date I mean. Usually when it is repeated behavior I tend to think there is a deeper issue. 

So I usually have more concern for the wellbeing of the person, than care to speculate or judge on how fast they drop their pants.

Frankly I find many of the people on this forum who lack any personal understanding of that and virtue signal, to be toxic and representative to a societal tone that is part of the problem in restoring self esteem in people in bad enough places to self destruct. Then obviously there are just dumbfuck trolls, and also add in a few bizarre MRAs. I only add that sentiment because that tone is damaging and counter intuitive. Someone needs to say it in case someone currently harming themselves using sex as their drug sees this thread. So the virtual signaling crowd does not damage their self esteem even more.


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## Lonewaer (Jul 14, 2014)

Annesyl said:


> in case of a basic first date with no prior contact





Annesyl said:


> in case of a date resulted from a prior contact, i.e. online dating for example





Annesyl said:


> in case of a date resulted from a prior contact i.e. when 2 persons have already met each other IRL, clicked and had a lot of communication afterwords (means mutual physical attraction and mental connection OK; or let's call it initial chemistry)


I'm open to it if things are going well. Knowing the person previously will only affect this if there was previous tension. Otherwise it's the same, if the date is going well, why not.



Annesyl said:


> in the beginning of sexual development (average = early 20s I'd say)





Annesyl said:


> later on (30s and +)


I'm not sure how age should affect this choice. It's so much more negligible than sex in my opinion.



Annesyl said:


> from a guy's point of view


Yes. Men pretty much likely always date with intention. If a guy is on a date with a woman, he has something in mind. It doesn't have to be sex, or, not immediately, but most of the time, it's going to be sex. Plus, having a lot of sexual partners as a guy, well that doesn't really repel women. Our financial situation and stability will be much more important. But as men, we have an interest in having sex as fast as possible, because that's our sexual strategy. Spread the seed far and wide.



Annesyl said:


> from a girl's point of view


No, and as a matter of fact, women tend to follow that (although maybe not so much the past few years). Women don't really date with intention. If the date simply ends up being dinner that the guy paid for, that's fine. They have an interest in having sex the latest possible, because that gives them more time to vet the guy, to make sure he's the best she can get, which is women's sexual strategy. And then women who collect bodies like stamps are generally repulsive to men, doesn't matter how attractive. Men will sleep with those women, but that will pretty much never turn into a serious thing. So women generally don't and shouldn't want to simply go on first dates and collect bodies as if they were men.


This difference between men and women's sexual strategies, is exactly why dating is such a complicated dance, because it's not so much a difference than an actual opposition. What she wants is something that he (at least I) would consider a worst case scenario, a big loss/waste of time. What's ultimately the best outcome for men, is ultimately the worst one for women (="I gave it too soon and he's not taking me seriously, I'm getting finessed"), and what's the best outcome for women is the worst for men.(="I'm paying for all these dates and I'm not getting any box, I'm getting finessed"). So each sex pulls towards their own interest, and when it happens is the compromise. But if one side doesn't "negociate", that side is going to get finessed. Men get put in friendzones, women get put in sexzones.

So I would advise men to try to escalate to sex as soon as possible, and women to try to delay it as long as possible. There are caveats to this. If a man tries to escalate too abruptly/directly, she's going to get turned off, and that will be the end of it, and if a woman delays it too much, the guy will keep trying to date her until he gets the sex (if he gets it), and then eventually ghost her forever for "no apparent reason".[/QUOTE]


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## shameless (Apr 21, 2014)

Lonewaer said:


> And then women who collect bodies like stamps are generally repulsive to men, doesn't matter how attractive. Men will sleep with those women, but that will pretty much never turn into a serious thing. So women generally don't and shouldn't want to simply go on first dates and collect bodies as if they were men.


It is interesting how you describe a woman who sleeps around as 'collecting bodies like stamps'. But then describe men on a first date often interested in sex on a first date as 'dating with Intention'.

It is also interesting how you assert that men should date with 'Intention', but women need to be careful not collect bodies like stamps. You equate the woman's value to how many bodies she has been with, but you equate the males value to what he is able to leverage financially. You speak of the caveat and dance as a woman and male dance.

While I do believe these are YOUR values. I'd argue that even most people who are more conservative, and are not interested in women who sleep around, or being a woman who sleeps around. I do not think as many people now a days are as quick to deduce this down to for example things like placing their own daughters values as a woman on who she sleeps with. While there are many women who do linger under the blanket of continuing to flex as pick me bitches to get mens attention and affirmations based on how many people they did not sleep with, this had died down much more in recent time.

You just speak a lot about what women should & should not do with bodies. In order to be of 'value'. Maybe PEOPLE men & women should not be sleeping around. Maybe men should not be dating with 'Intent' anymore than women should be sleeping around. Because both behaviors can be potentially harmful to themselves, as well as others.

More than I find this continuous, slut shaming and hate you have for certain kinds of women offensive. Is how many people actually quietly sit by and do not call you out on the fact that you clearly take cheap shots over serious issues like women's mental health. Pretty sure if I constantly sat up on this forum talking shit about men, with a theme of degrading men in an undertone, but only certain kinds. People woulda had words a long time ago. So you to me are more a scab. I am more concerned at how many people actually sit by without saying anything to counter your extremely psychologically abusive passive bullshit.

Sexual addiction, or nymphomania or trauma related reckless behavior is a condition that should be treated with just as much sensitivity as many other mental health concerns. And shame on any of you sticking your head in the sand who know there is some truth to this, or even worse a few educated females choosing to perpetuate these damaging things by flexing your 'value'. And letting this cad spread his toxic ass views.

One does not have to like me, or defend me to know the level of hate he spreads about certain kinds of women isn't fucken far off from jack the fucken ripper.

No one should want to sit idle and act like they would like their sons to act like Jack the Ripper here, and send his toxic hateful slut shaming message to certain kinds of women. Just as no one should want a guy anything like this around their daughters. Regardless of whether people want to bang a woman who has slept with alotta people, or be a woman who has slept with many people.


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## Lonewaer (Jul 14, 2014)

0.M.I.A.0 said:


> a whole wall of still being triggered by something that was said months ago


Bwahaha, _you_'re shaming other women for what they do ("pick me witches") ? Oh the irony. Oof, it really did hurt, didn't it ? It hurt so much that you had to drop being a feminist for the sake of making sure people see me in a bad light. It did hurt because it was true. Most other things, you couldn't give two craps about, but this was the one button that made you go nuclear. If it was false it wouldn't be so sensitive.

Maybe think before you talk, because since that exchange from months ago, I know I can twist that Ripper blade (oh yeah I'm embracing that, you blew that so much out of proportion to the point of it being ridiculously laughable that it's mine now) ; it's not going to stop hurting you unless you decide it stops hurting you, but you're clearly not there yet. I'd say a break from the internet is in order but I'm not your psychiatrist and you probably don't have a psychiatrist.

Oh well. To think that I refrained from going at your throat sorry gut* in the thread about finding compatible romantic partners… I got it now.


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## shameless (Apr 21, 2014)

Lonewaer said:


> Bwahaha, _you_'re shaming other women for what they do ("pick me witches") ? Oh the irony. Oof, it really did hurt, didn't it ? It hurt so much that you had to drop being a feminist for the sake of making sure people see me in a bad light. It did hurt because it was true. Most other things, you couldn't give two craps about, but this was the one button that made you go nuclear. If it was false it wouldn't be so sensitive.
> 
> Maybe think before you talk, because since that exchange from months ago, I know I can twist that Ripper blade (oh yeah I'm embracing that, you blew that so much out of proportion to the point of it being ridiculously laughable that it's mine now) ; it's not going to stop hurting you unless you decide it stops hurting you, but you're clearly not there yet. I'd say a break from the internet is in order but I'm not your psychiatrist and you probably don't have a psychiatrist.
> 
> Oh well. To think that I refrained from going at your throat sorry gut* in the thread about finding compatible romantic partners… I got it now.


It is not that you do not wish to be with women who have slept around that is my issue. I think that is a widely popular answer, that many people often say.

When you start equating peoples value however in an extremely derogatory unnecessary way is where I take issue. As far the incident you brought up from prior, I think I actually refrained and did not say much. I simply at the time said it was not your place to comment on me indirect and say my kids deserved crappy lives. I really never spoke at the time on the larger issue I take with you commenting on who is valuable and has worth.

If you simply said that you prefer a specific kind of woman, I probably would not have much to say. Instead you write an entire song and dance on your defined rules of what men and women are allowed to do, in order to have value.

As for me shaming any women who like to play both sides of the aisle, well that is my business. That had very little to do with you.

Again as I said Jack the Ripper.

PTSD is a very common condition. Often times it is treated at different periods. I have always been candid I suffer with mental health. I am not going to let you back me into a corner with your psychotic abuse with the whole, 'crazy', 'med', or 'therapy' shit.

You exhibit displays of impotency. You should probably go get diagnosed. Often men who want to slut shame, kill, and speak ill of sex workers are impotent. How do you like the truth. There is a reason you are not married yet, so stop commenting on my mental health. It may be sensitive and unstable at times, but at least it has a pulse. You want to keep going for the gut and throat buddy? Let's talk about how one of the few ways you probably can get off is by clearly addressing all your hostilities toward women who have slept around.

If I made a loud statement it was for the women here who are quieter and have skeletons in their closet also. As well as to defend myself. I am not going to sit by idle while some Jack the Ripper wannabe sits and defines women's value in an open forum where many people come to read through, and seek comfort in mental health conditions, and act like the undertone in what you endorse and put out there is not damaging.


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## Lonewaer (Jul 14, 2014)

0.M.I.A.0 said:


> other wall of self-victimization


That _I_ brought up from prior ? You're the one who went ballistic here and brought up crap from last time. I was ignoring you, but I guess I should have put you on my ignore list. Don't worry, will do.

I don't care about what your psychological condition is. Whatever it is, it is clearly impeding your ability to think rationally, and it puts you into situations that hurt you, and it makes you overly dramatic. You should be completely off of the internet, because you're unable to handle the internet. When I have a bad time, I get off of the internet myself, and it gets better, and I'm nowhere near as messed up in the head as you are. It's magic.

My penis is functioning better than your brain is, and I do not want to get married, nor have kids for that matter, thank you very much. Imagine, having kids and screwing up as a parent. Terrifying.

Aaaanyway, enjoy the ignore list.


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## shameless (Apr 21, 2014)

Lonewaer said:


> That _I_ brought up from prior ? You're the one who went ballistic here and brought up crap from last time. I was ignoring you, but I guess I should have put you on my ignore list. Don't worry, will do.
> 
> I don't care about what your psychological condition is. Whatever it is, it is clearly impeding your ability to think rationally, and it puts you into situations that hurt you, and it makes you overly dramatic. You should be completely off of the internet, because you're unable to handle the internet. When I have a bad time, I get off of the internet myself, and it gets better, and I'm nowhere near as messed up in the head as you are. It's magic.
> 
> ...


Did NOT read/see this, totally not reading Jack the Ripper Serial Killer Crap anymore. Only quoted you last time so it was on record and your reply was unedited.

Now skit skat lil psychopath.

Stop taking your impotency out on me. We all get it you hate single mothers, promiscuous women, and sex workers. You are so original in your ability to toss rocks at women society already deems as undesirables. Ok Jack the Ripper. Ba Bye! Not reading your replies or BS. We get it you are the making of a missionary style impotent psychopath serial killer. Maybe next time you profile random ass women you will think twice if they will call out what your profile is for all to see. WEAK men who have lil power and no control in their lives usually target societies undesirables such as single women, promiscuous women, or sex workers.

Hey everyone probably be hesitant to take the obviously impotent dude in his mid 30s who hates all single mothers, promiscuous women, sex workers, etc etc advice very seriously. Ba bye.

Why do they hate sex workers or promiscuous women? Duh, fucken duh. Who is the 1st person that can see through that shit.

Must suck to see women who can get off. Gawd damn you hate us soooooo much  . Well I will go get myself off all fucken week. Because I can .... haha😝.


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## Mystic MagentaRose (May 7, 2014)

After personal experiences of mine, it's not something I would want to engage in right away. I like to take things slow, get to know the person a little bit first before this kind of thing happens. I'm not one to judge others though or what they find comfortable with doing. To each their own.


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## CountZero (Sep 28, 2012)

I have a double standard on this topic. Everyone else can do what they want, consenting adults, etc., yadda yadda. But I bond way too easily when sex enters the picture, which can be a big problem if she's a dud. Too much oxytocin in my brain or something. Sex is an extremely intense experience for me. So I definitely take it slow, and my own hangups and inhibitions make this pretty easy.


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## Crowbo (Jul 9, 2017)

It most likely wouldn't be what I'd do, as I'd find that too quick. But if I find her attractive enough and we're both ok with it than sure.


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## ESFJMouse (Oct 13, 2020)

I was raised in a generation and culture in which if one wanted to wait ...or postpone relations this was acceptable. There was something sweet about the whole thing. It took on a different meaning but that time and place is gone in 2022. I'm happy, however, for anyone who wants to express themselves quickly on this regard.

https://medium.com/mystic-minds/sex...ergy-exchange-you-can-experience-e65d3b42aa08 

An interesting perspective on the 'energetic' exchange of sexuality...in this article. ^^^^


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## daleks_exterminate (Jul 22, 2013)

Have sex before the first date. 
If the sex is bad, don't go on the date, duh.

(I am joking, but I don't care what consenting adults do so it's really up to the people involved.)


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