# How to deal with someone with Avoidant Personality Disorder



## Psichlohomeo

All the symptoms are there...This guy is always alone, is ridiculously shy, is excessively polite, awkward, is (as it seems) very self-conscious, and avoidant. It's difficult to read his type under all this, but I think he's an intj, but of course that's questionable. I used to like him, but once I forced myself to talk to him all of this turned me off. However, I still care and want to help if I can.


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## Sanity

Hi, i have avoidant personality disorder too, or at least, i have all the symptoms of one.I really hate to sound like a negative punk, but why did force yourself in the first place and why do you want to help him?Do you have knowledge in this area or are you a trained specialist?If not, then there isn't much you can do, but the person himself must understand, that he must get help.

There's a lot more better and healthier people out in the world, why bother with that anti-social person?Why do you want o wreck your own nerves?


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## Psichlohomeo

I didn't realize the situation at first because I didn't know him, but once I convinced myself to talk to him (I'm not one to pursue relationships) it was blatantly obvious. I want to help him because I don't like loose ends. If I know there's a problem, why should I abstain from trying to fix it? I don't think he deserves to feel that way, and he should have someone to tell him that. It's only what I would want for myself from somebody else. 

I don't plan on playing the therapist, but I want to get _something_ out there, at least.


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## lalalalalalalala

I agree with sanity, and there's not much you can do except be there if he needs you.


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## silverlined

Psichlohomeo said:


> All the symptoms are there...This guy is always alone, is ridiculously shy, is excessively polite, awkward, is (as it seems) very self-conscious, and avoidant. It's difficult to read his type under all this, but I think he's an intj, but of course that's questionable. I used to like him, but once I forced myself to talk to him all of this turned me off. However, I still care and want to help if I can.


I struggle with Avoidant personality disorder and I'm an INFJ. I will that having supportive and accepting people in my life has been a really good thing.
I'm curious as to why you're turned off by the avoidant qualities he has? I know it can be frustrating but it's at least as painful, if not more, from the other side.
If he seems interested in friendship and want to be a supportive friend, that would be a good option.
One of the biggest fears of someone with APD is rejection, so be patient and accepting with him. And expect to do a lot of the initiating because we have a lot of trouble approaching people.
He will need to do a lot of inner work and take care of other factors related to his avoidance and so being a supportive friend won't fix everything, but it could sure help.


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## The Psychonaut

just leave him alone.

and stop calling personality traits disorders

i dont care if the psychologists do it, they are assholes, stop labeling people and saying they are "ill" because they think differently.


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## silverlined

wannaBgonzo said:


> just leave him alone.
> 
> and stop calling personality traits disorders
> 
> i dont care if the psychologists do it, they are assholes, stop labeling people and saying they are "ill" because they think differently.


While I do agree that psychologists do a lot of unnecessary pathologizing (which I also dislike) and that introversion is widely misunderstood, I think there's a big difference between natural introversion and Avoidant personality disorder. (I don't really like the idea of the word disorder either...)
Avoidant traits stem from a fear of being disliked and rejected, whereas natural introversion is just a preference to having time to one's self. Introverts can be completely confident and self assured and I think it's possible for extroverts to have avoident personality disorder traits.


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## Drea

Wow, that really sounds like me... Did you other people see a specialist to get diagnosed with this disorder, or did you self-diagnose?

Just wondering because that description seems to sum up my personality in a nutshell.:shocked:


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## trish

*help*



Psichlohomeo said:


> All the symptoms are there...This guy is always alone, is ridiculously shy, is excessively polite, awkward, is (as it seems) very self-conscious, and avoidant. It's difficult to read his type under all this, but I think he's an intj, but of course that's questionable. I used to like him, but once I forced myself to talk to him all of this turned me off. However, I still care and want to help if I can.



hi there just tried to create and account here for I am really eager to know about this matter.
met a man with this illness and with that i wanted to help, and maybe because im starting to fall for him, which made me more curious about this matter. i wanted to know on how to deal with person having this....
and commented here also bec. i experienced the same thing too.
so pls can u help me out too? how did u handle it?
im on the process of falling and i dont want to leave him...

pls help me with this matter.


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## FlaviaGemina

wikipedia said:


> Hypersensitivity to rejection/criticism
> Self-imposed social isolation
> Extreme shyness or anxiety in social situations, *though the person feels a strong desire for close relationships*[SUP][10][/SUP]
> Avoids physical contact because it has been associated with an unpleasant or painful stimulus
> Feelings of inadequacy
> *Severe low self-esteem
> *
> *Self-loathing*
> *Mistrust of others*
> *Emotional distancing related to intimacy*
> Highly self-conscious
> Self-critical about their problems relating to others
> *Problems in occupational functioning*
> *Lonely self-perception, although others may find the relationship with them meaningful*
> Feeling inferior to others
> In some more extreme cases — agoraphobia
> *Utilizes fantasy as a form of escapism and to interrupt painful thoughts*[SUP][11][/SUP][SUP][12][/SUP]


I'm not a psychologist either, but I suggest if you wanna talk about Avoidant Personality Order you'll need to provide some evidence of the highlighted symptoms. 
Shyness, low self-esteem and inability to initiate contact could just be normal personality traits or maladaptive behaviours. Maybe his parents didn't teach him how to approach people. Maybe he just needs more time to observe them from a safe distance etc (=typical INTJ behaviour). Maybe he _is_ interested in you but you came on too strong for his liking? Your judgment of him being "ridiculously shy" would seem to indicate that you expect others to be as outgoing as you are yourself. But maybe what is "ridiculously shy" to you is just normal for him. Unless he has directly said that he is shy and suffers from it because it prevents him from getting to know people who he would actually like to get to know, his "symptoms" aren't even sufficient for a diagnosis of simple shyness.


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## Death Persuades

You're applying a disorder to him based on things that a LOT of people do.... lol. Did it ever occur to you that maybe he just didn't want to talk with you?


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## tanstaafl28

Psichlohomeo said:


> All the symptoms are there...This guy is always alone, is ridiculously shy, is excessively polite, awkward, is (as it seems) very self-conscious, and avoidant. It's difficult to read his type under all this, but I think he's an intj, but of course that's questionable. I used to like him, but once I forced myself to talk to him all of this turned me off. However, I still care and want to help if I can.



What are you, his therapist? Is it your job to go around "fixing" people? You start digging around in someone's psyche, you might get lucky, and then again, you might unleash a complete psycho.


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## Mange

What do you mean, "loose ends"? You don't know this guy at all. You shouldn't expect anything from him, or force anything from him. It sounds like you're bothered by his probable disinterest in you, and want to know for sure whether it's him, or it's you.

I have avpd as well, and can be shy towards people I don't even like. It sucks because those people see me as timid a lot of the time, and feel like they have a right to pity me because they perceive me as being weak and sad. I want to slap people who feel like they have an obligation to help me. Mind your own business. If I find it absolutely necessary to talk to someone, I will force myself through discomfort and do it. This guy will be the same way when he gets older if he chooses to work on it.


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## trish

good day! 
wanted some advice, im starting to fall for someone who has APD i dont know but, his really kind. But my problem is how to handle or treat him, bec. honestly sometimes, i felt like he avoids me, like he dont answer calls, texts, emails....
things that bothers me when im not with him...feels like his turned me off.. and he dont wanna talk..
opposite when we are hanging out together.. like he is really sweet, kind and he talks much that just happend when im around him :'( id like to ask help or advice what to do with this feeling i really dont want to looose him, but i dont know also how to handle him :'( so help me!!! i really dont know what to do and think :'(


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## BooksandButterflies

*I am an ENFP with APD, and I have to say that making someone talk is not a good idea. We resent that. I should say anyone, APD or not, resents that. And trust me, we feel bad enough about it on our own! I don't want to sound like I'm getting on your case, I just want to give you the pov of someone who deals with this on a daily basis. 
Be pleasant to this person but not overbearing. For me, once I realize that someone is not a threat, that they have accepted me, I relax. And then I can talk your ear off!*:laughing:


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## tanstaafl28

Well duh! :laughing:


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