# Pros & Cons to having a female ESF/ISFP as a mate



## drummaster350 (Feb 27, 2013)

I'm an SFP-o-phile and while the Extraverted one's can get a bad rap (deservedly so sometimes) I've found you just got to know how to handle them. A lot of these Pro's & Con's I've experienced first hand while some conclusions I've just intuitively drawn. I want to get some more real life experience with both, so I apologize if some of these seem like stereotypes. I've met a lot of unhealthy ones but I think there's a lot of potential here. I'm definitely more familiar with ESFPs so it'd be great to get some feedback from some ISFPs. I know their are probably some less than "normal" SFP's out there.


*PROS*

1. *They love little children* (being one themselves) and make great attentive, practical mothers

2. T*hey know who their children are though* (unlike some SJ's) and they don't try to mother their significant other. Which is great because most men want a lover not a mother (we've got one already thank you and she did her job well).

3. *This goes along with #2 and is somewhat subjective but they know how to handle separation from their kids.* If you leave the kids with Grandma for a night SFP's aren't going to be whining, while your enjoying an evening meal for two, about how they "miss the kids." It's date night and they want to savor every moment of togetherness. They'd probably make great empty nesters. With the kids gone it's time to go on adventures and make love all day!

4. *They're probably thee most earthy, sensual, affectionate types.* It's a treat to be in love with someone who's very physically attentive and always wants put her arms around you, snuggle, and rub your back. Not only do they know how to give love they know how to receive it as they positively glow from head to toe, and it makes you feel great as a partner to know that you're the reason why.

5.* You always know when they're upset because it's written all over their face.* No guessing game here.

6. *ESFP's probably being the most extroverted type are great to take to social events.* They love to talk and are great for making connections. Both SFP's are very accepting of everyone though it should be noted that not everyone is to their liking. If your family treats them right they quickly fit in.

7. *If they are ESFPs and 7w8's they are far from shrinking violets.* They can seem fearless and fiery which some people find attractive.

8. *They look like a million bucks and love to dress up!* Which makes you look even better when you got one on your arm.

SFP's hate criticism (especially ESFP's) because as types they live in the NOW. When Criticism is given it envelops them and becomes their whole world (even the most careful loving criticism). They see any criticism as an indictment of them as a person and it makes them feel like they're worthless, incompetent and just bad people. A lot of time they're not out to hurt people they're just SO IMPULSIVE they act without thinking. I want SFP's to know that I'm giving you this list not to criticize you guys but as a caution for YOU and those who really LOVE YOU. To error is human but it's always best to learn from other people's mistakes and save yourself some pain. Some of these will seem contradictory given the list I've already given but they are my observations nonetheless. Some of these traits come out when they're under a lot of psychological or other kinds of stress. The hard truth is that a lot of these are just par the course for the type.


*CONS*



1. *They tend to be attracted to "nice" people regardless of whether this person has good character or has her best intentions at heart.* They need to learn the distinction between "nice" people and "good" people. Sometimes "good" people aren't going to seem that "nice" and sometimes "nice" people have far from good intentions. 

2. *This goes along with the #1 but they can be so vulnerable and receptive to positive attention that they can be easily seduced.* I've been alone with some who where so receptive to my affection and attention they would have been putty in my hands. I don't think I need elaborate on the problems that ensue could ensue from this.

3. * Even when at average levels they tend be "high maintenance".* When they don't have that emotional validation they tend to take anxious emotions out on others in the form of biting, sarcastic, passive/aggressive comments. Most of the time they don't really mean anything by it, but it can be grating to most types. Like most SP's thay have a temper and when in an argument the tone can change from passive/aggressive to outright aggresion and they say things they wish they could take back. 

4. *They HATE negative feeling and situations.* Instead of dealing with problems before they get worse they tend to avoid them, lie about them, or run away from them entirely. This compounded and made worse by the fact that their suppressed negative feelings are then taken out on others. They need to understand that we live in an unfair world where negative situations are to be expected. If they desire to have good relationships they must learn to communicate their feelings. If their significant other truly LOVES them they won't have to lie to them. They must learn to expect trouble but be reassured by the fact that regardless of what comes their way they, and those around them, will make the best out of it (which they can be very good at). 


5. *As Mother's they're very nurturing and loving but they treat their children like they are their friends.* As a result they're likely to avoid disciplining their children. When they get frustrated and stressed out enough they turn into harsh disciplinarians. The child is then confused because they're "friend" turned on them, which is then compounded by more confusion when they're "friend" suddenly reappears as if nothing ever happened. They are her children and she is their MOTHER and should be respected as such. Kids are incapable of setting boundaries on their own and as a mother (in tandem with her husband) she must lovingly set boundaries for them. 


6. *As mentioned previously they are sensual, appetitive people which is unfortunately reinforced by American Culture.* Because of their SE they often come across as overly materialistic and gluttonous. Unless they've been taught how to manage their money they'll often find themselves in financial trouble. One ESFP I know (in rare moment of self-awareness) described herself as a "Money Hungry Bitch", but was proud of the fact that she at least worked for it. They desire to physically look their best but are drawn to "tasty" things that aren't always healthy for them. Eating disorders are likely if ESFP doesn't have not positive encouragement.

7. *At their worst (this is particulary true for 7w8's) their self indulgence turn into outright selfishness.* Relationships become all about "GETTING THEIR WAY". Relationships are a two way street and it's not all about what they want

8. *While they always look like a million bucks this can also develop into "Princess Syndrome"*, which isn't exactly a medically verifiable term :happy:. Whereby they refuse to do the most routine tasks because after all "they just got their nails done and they've got YOU around to do it for them." To say this unattractive is putting it mildly. Ideally, the best relationships are where both spouses are committed serving each other. If this and #7 are regular traits it's possible they may have a Histronic/Borderline Personality Disorder. 

My hope is that this post will be informative for SFP's (Mostly ESFPs) and those of us who desire to have fulfilling relationships with them. I think it's important that they find a mate who's committed to understanding them warts and all. They must also be committed to growing as person.


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## Fat Bozo (May 24, 2009)

You know, I've heard this term "high maintenance" before, but I never knew quite what it means. What do you mean by it?


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## drummaster350 (Feb 27, 2013)

Fat Bozo said:


> You know, I've heard this term "high maintenance" before, but I never knew quite what it means. What do you mean by it?


My definition would be someone who's emotional well being is dependent on someone else. 

I like these definitions from urban dictionary: 

"High-maintenance usually means that the individual is emotionally needy or prone to over-dramatizing a situation." 

"Someone who requires much attention from others in relationships, romantic or otherwise."


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## Fat Bozo (May 24, 2009)

drummaster350 said:


> My definition would be someone who's emotional well being is dependent on someone else.
> 
> I like these definitions from urban dictionary:
> 
> ...


So, wait are you saying there are people whose emotional well being is NOT dependent on someone else? Because I thought that was just called being human!


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## drummaster350 (Feb 27, 2013)

Fat Bozo said:


> So, wait are you saying there are people whose emotional well being is NOT dependent on someone else? Because I thought that was just called being human!


Haha...their are a lot of people who are very emotionally independent but even said people do need the validation of others from time to time. Perhaps I should modify my definition to people "who's *entire *emotional well being is dependent on other people."


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## Jman Ninja (Apr 4, 2013)

I can agree with some of the things on this list, but I can disagree with other things. I am unsure as to who you are defining, ISFPs or ESFPs, as I can see them as pretty different in some cases. For example, i agree that we are "High Maintenance", but not just with being needy with our friends support on things, which by the way, is only, i find, to be for *self improvement*, like being pushed to work out with my friends.. Not for emotional well being. I describe my high maintenance as not being very time conscious/having bad time management, taking a long time to get ready for things, being overly quiet, sometimes I'll be very un-entertaining if I'm feeling tired, and I hate being rushed, and will do the opposite (slow down on purpose) to show my disapproval. I also need time alone to think about stuff and to just chill out.


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## drummaster350 (Feb 27, 2013)

Jman Ninja said:


> I can agree with some of the things on this list, but I can disagree with other things. I am unsure as to who you are defining, ISFPs or ESFPs, as I can see them as pretty different in some cases. For example, i agree that we are "High Maintenance", but not just with being needy with our friends support on things, which by the way, is only, i find, to be for *self improvement*, like being pushed to work out with my friends.. Not for emotional well being. I describe my high maintenance as not being very time conscious/having bad time management, taking a long time to get ready for things, being overly quiet, sometimes I'll be very un-entertaining if I'm feeling tired, and I hate being rushed, and will do the opposite (slow down on purpose) to show my disapproval. I also need time alone to think about stuff and to just chill out.


I was hoping to get some feedback from some ISFPs. Yes this thread really probably pertains mostly to female ESFPS but I was hoping you'd see some similarities.


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## soppixo (Jun 29, 2011)

Sounds exactly like my ESFP stepmom. We formally met when I was almost an adult (18) so....it was an awkward few months as she tried to mother me (didn't work), befriend me (didn't work), and finally looked on fondly at me from a distance (finally worked). I always looked on at her attempts with some bewilderment, because being ISTP- I'm slow to trust and even slower to touch. So all the immediate physical/verbal affection freaked me the fuck out. 

But now I get that she needs this affirmant to feel at peace, she used to ask my dad if I hated her because I didn't react positively to hugs and touches (I mostly made O__O faces and froze up like a corpse in rigor mortis) but to be honest I was actually quite fond of her, when she wasn't fussing over me in an attempt to get me to open up.

She loves kids, one reason why she went into the childcare/tuition business and actually succeeded at it is because the kids honestly love her and trust her, sometimes more than their own parents. Problem is that it is a joint business with my ISTJ dad, so when he scolds her and tells her to stop being so nice to bad people if she doesn't want to get hurt/make losses, she gets mad at him instead, because the bad people talk to her nicer than he does. lol.

Plus he is always on her case about tabulating fees, so they can charge their customers, which she once put off so long, the kid actually moved away to another country without paying. Boy that was one contentious quarrel. But they're pretty good for each other, she gives him love and emotional support, he gives her direction and tries his best to protect her from disappointment and hurt by giving her advice / giving in to her.

Also, echoing the self-indulgence thing. She eats to feel happy, and pretty much refuses to eat any sort of vegetable because she hates the taste. Food to her is enjoyment, good food is heaven.


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## bombsaway (Nov 29, 2011)

lol, I hate kids. Replace 'kids' with 'dogs' and you'll get a more accurate description of me. 

Definitely agree with the self-indulgence thing though.

Also, I thought high maintenance was someone who spent a lot of time maintaining their image? I associated it with materialistic wants rather than emotional ones. I suppose, with SFPs, both would be applicable.


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## soppixo (Jun 29, 2011)

bombsaway said:


> lol, I hate kids. Replace 'kids' with 'dogs' and you'll get a more accurate description of me.


My stepmom treats all doggies like they are her kids, including the ones we actually own.

She has completely no idea how to differentiate a dog's psychological needs from her own psychological needs though. She actually had a pack of 10 at one point, didn't want to separate the mom and dad doggy because she felt "it was so cruel to separate them like that, look at them crying out for each other" and they kept popping out babies (they didn't have a proper vet nearby so neutering was out unless she was willing to risk the death of the dog- a big NOPE to that). But though she loves them and would do anything for them, isn't really able to give them proper exercise and discipline, so whenever my ISTJ dad is away, the dogs end up fighting.

What I'm saying, is that changing the subject of the sentence doesn't change the approach of the person. Dogs, kids, inanimate objects, its all about how the Se-Fi relates rather than what it relates to.


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## bombsaway (Nov 29, 2011)

soppixo said:


> My stepmom treats all doggies like they are her kids, including the ones we actually own.
> 
> She has completely no idea how to differentiate a dog's psychological needs from her own psychological needs though. She actually had a pack of 10 at one point, didn't want to separate the mom and dad doggy because she felt "it was so cruel to separate them like that, look at them crying out for each other" and they kept popping out babies (they didn't have a proper vet nearby so neutering was out unless she was willing to risk the death of the dog- a big NOPE to that). But though she loves them and would do anything for them, isn't really able to give them proper exercise and discipline, so whenever my ISTJ dad is away, the dogs end up fighting.
> 
> What I'm saying, is that changing the subject of the sentence doesn't change the approach of the person. Dogs, kids, inanimate objects, its all about how the Se-Fi relates rather than what it relates to.


I totally get that. I treat my dogs like my best friends in the way the OP describes treating kids, which is why I suggested the straight switch. Normally profiles will say 'kids / small animals' to account for that. When describing why it's great to have SFP for a mate, however, it's misleading to put such an emphasis on kids and kids alone. Myself and the only other ESFP I know aren't into kids but both treat our dogs like our babies. I completely agree with what you were saying about the approach of the person and that's what I was trying to get at: that as an SFP I do relate to things like that, but the object of that relation will not necessarily be kids. However, the OP concentrates on relating to kids and not the act of Se-Fi relating. Basically, my post is saying what your post is saying but without the explanation.


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## drummaster350 (Feb 27, 2013)

Thanks for the feedback guys :happy:. This thread has been sitting here awhile with very little attention.


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