# Mental Health: How am I supposed to stay friends with someone like this?



## chickydoda (Feb 12, 2010)

I have a wonderful friend, but some of the things she says are really idiotic, she doesn't take me seriously when I talk about my feelings and I have trouble trying to watch a movie with her.

I told her I have Bipolar II and she didn't believe me. She told me that I was beautiful and perfect, things like that, and it just stressed me out. She hasn't seen me in a depressed state because I tend to seperate myself from her when I am feeling low. I've just found out I have Aspergers and ADD, and I don't know whether I'll be able to ever tell her because I think I'll just end up feeling hurt and frustrated again. I've never given her a reason to not trust me, because we haven't been friends that long.

She gets me in a way that most of my friends don't, but in some ways she drives me crazy!

I used to think she was perfect too, but over time I've discovered things about her that are hard to deal with.

We went to the movies a while ago (we usually just watch DVDs at home) and she kept talking really loudly to the screen and characters, cursing at people she didn't like, saying others were ugly etc. It's weird because she seems like such a sweet girl... anyway, I was sitting there cringing, feeling too anxious to say anything, but the atmosphere around us was getting really hostile and people were getting really irritated with her. I nudged her about half way through the movie and said ''you need to be quieter, people are getting really upset with you. I don't want to get kicked out.'' She crossed her arms and got this really sour look on her face. At one point I faked needing to go to the toliet just to get a break from her! When I came back, she had started up her talking again and I was tempted to find a different seat.

I'm scared that if she wants to go to the movies again and I'm honest with her, she won't want to be my friend anymore. I'm hoping and praying that she'll go to the movies a dozen more times, and eventually someone will get so fed up with her they'll scream at her and punch her in the face. She kind of deserves it, as lovely as she is. I don't think anyone has confronted her yet. I don't mind her acting like that at my house, but in public it is really embarrassing.

So... how can I get her to take me seriously about my mental health, and get her to act like a normal person at the cinema? I really want to be best friends with her, and grow old together, she's talked about raising our children together, and being each other's bridesmaids. I don't know how much closer we can get with these issues. HELP!

-Thank you


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## MrMagpie (Aug 22, 2012)

Open up an IM or e-mail addressed to this woman.

Select All, Alt + C, Alt + V.

Seriously, though, the only way this situation is going to improve is if you honestly and openly talk to this person. The worst that could happen is she stops being your friend - and so what if she does?


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## chickydoda (Feb 12, 2010)

It would break my heart. I would hate to hurt her as well. It's not like I'm perfect either, I have plenty of annoying habits, although I'm not sure in particular what annoys other people about me.

We have something really special, I don't want to ruin that.


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## Mustang (Oct 24, 2012)

If you can't be honest to her, how is this something special? Sometimes being a true friend is saying the things other people won't.


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## Ace Face (Nov 13, 2011)

Maybe don't watch movies with her anymore, lol. It's a fairly easy solution. Do other things... go out to eat, go for walks, take trips... something


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## chickydoda (Feb 12, 2010)

Ace Face said:


> Maybe don't watch movies with her anymore, lol. It's a fairly easy solution. Do other things... go out to eat, go for walks, take trips... something


I don't know how long I can avoid it though... I can only make so many excuses before she'll get suspicious and demand an answer i'm guessing. I know I would!


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## nakkinaama (Jun 20, 2012)

You have Aspergers, ADD and manic depression?? DUDE


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## Hurricane Matthew (Nov 9, 2012)

If she can't take your mental illness seriously, then she's not your friend. End of story. Friendship is all about understanding each other and it's a two way street. If she doesn't do her part and listen, then you're better off hanging out with somebody else.


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## Dope Amine (Feb 16, 2012)

Explain your needs to her!

By telling you she thinks you are beautiful, perfect, etc. she seems to be trying to help you suffer less by showing her support. In reality, these comments are not supportive. Maybe you should help her recognize effective ways of supporting you? 

As for having hard conversations, I find these help: 
1.) Remain focused on the problem, not the people involved.
2.) I-Statements: "When X happens I feel Y." 
3.) Avoid absolute statements. "You always", "You never", "I always" etc
4.) *Really* listen to the other person. Try and understand their position.
5.) State your intention when you say something that could be misinterpreted. 
6.) Tell the other person how things they say effect you if you are hurt / angry etc (See 2)


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## myjazz (Feb 17, 2010)

chickydoda said:


> I have a wonderful friend, but some of the things she says are really idiotic, she doesn't take me seriously when I talk about my feelings and I have trouble trying to watch a movie with her.
> 
> I told her I have Bipolar II and she didn't believe me. She told me that I was beautiful and perfect, things like that, and it just stressed me out. She hasn't seen me in a depressed state because I tend to seperate myself from her when I am feeling low. I've just found out I have Aspergers and ADD, and I don't know whether I'll be able to ever tell her because I think I'll just end up feeling hurt and frustrated again. I've never given her a reason to not trust me, because we haven't been friends that long.
> 
> ...


What is the question asking?


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## chickydoda (Feb 12, 2010)

@myjazz

1. How can I get my friend to take my mental illnesses etc seriously?
2. What can I do about the movie thing?


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## INTJellectual (Oct 22, 2011)

I just wanna ask if the foundation of your friendship is strong enough for you to place trust in her to confide your mental illness. A true friend would accept you for you and would never judge about your illness, or pinpoint your illness if something you do seems very disapproving on her part. Understanding, acceptance, and sensitivity to your current state of well being is the key. If she tells your illness to other stranger or acquaintance as if it's just a light disease like colds and make justifications for your actions based from your illness, you gotta move on, and find another person worthy of your trust, time, and love. About the movie thing, there is nothing you can do about her behavior. I can see she's intense and excitable, right? Just tell her to minimize her voice. Tell her to "turned down" her volume and have some respect at other people that would be irritated by her cursing and talking.


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## chickydoda (Feb 12, 2010)

@INTJellectual She's a lovely girl and everyone has their *+*s and *-*s right? I'm pretty sure I have more than my fair share. I feel bad even writing anything about her on these forums because as far as friends go, she's done just about everything right.

She doesn't judge that I have an illness, she doesn't seem to believe that I'm ill, but rather than I'm perfect just as I am. We've known each other for five years- we met in person twice at two Christian camps then corresponded online between those two times then I moved to England for two and a half years. She came to see me three days after I moved back because we ended up in the same city. We've hung out 8-20ish times in the last year. I've hung out with her at church 10+ times in addition to what I just mentioned. We aren't super close (because we don't know each other that well), but we connect in a spiritual, intellectual, emotional, fun type level. She gets me in a way that most of my friends don't. We often buy the same things without meaning to. We dress in similar ways. I explain things in a way that she felt but couldn't put into words herself.

Because I don't know her super well, I avoid hanging out with her when I'm feeling upset. I'm mostly alone in this city, I know two other girls, am close to being friends with another two, but most of the time I just hang out with my family.

I don't know what her life has been like. She's from a different cultural background. She's understanding and caring towards people that are poor. People with obvious disabilities. Etc. We had an Autistic boy stay at our house a few years ago and he logged in as me on msn. She was online. He introduced himself as ''Shaun the Sheep''. She played along with it, and said how adorable he seemed afterwards and how she would like to meet him. She's a caring person. She's interesting. She's beautiful. She's funny.

I just think maybe she hasn't had much exposure to mental illnesses? Maybe I should take her to my psychiatrist with me sometime so she can explain things? Or maybe wait until I've known her a bit longer before talking to her about such things? I get the feeling she feels depressed sometimes but doesn't necessarily attach a label to it. Maybe she doesn't acknowledge my mental illnesses because she admires me so much and doesn't want to accept me as any less than perfect? It's unsettling when you meet someone new and they seem so wonderful and amazing and different to everyone you've ever met, then you start discovering their flaws. Maybe she's trying to avoid getting to know me in that way, because she doesn't want to be hurt?

I've never had friends before that have actually talked about having me as a bridesmaid, that wants to raise their kids alongside mine etc. It's a nice change. I feel so lucky to have her in my life. I just wish I knew how to deal with these things that have popped up.

I don't mind the movie thing as long as it isn't bothering anyone else. As silly as it seems, I care more about 50 strangers being able to watch and enjoy a movie without being disturbed more than I care about my friend being able to express herself.


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## StElmosDream (May 26, 2012)

@*chickydoda*
I know its an insensitive question (coming from a fellow autistic though), how did you get Aspergers medically verified?

It sounds like your friend only sees you (not the BP II which is good) but you need to bring her 'into the fold [of your life story]' and provide information about your actual conditions and how they effect your day-to-day life (printed information and long question-answer sessions help greatly but may be harder to achieve if she won't acknowledge the challenges).

As I learned the hard way; a real friend will provide a space for you to be honest and in turn allow you to grant them the same... if you wish to query her (assumed) lessee faire attitude about your condition and cinema going ons you will have to employ humour or just be honest saying ' this bothers me, I like your company but don't know how to deal with your enthusiasms when we watch films at the cinema'.


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## chickydoda (Feb 12, 2010)

@StElmosDream My psychiatrist wrote a letter to someone and asked me to read it and it mentioned Aspergers/Autism. I'm not 100% sure what she thinks I've got but it's somewhere along those lines. She had a private session with my parents at some point and I pleaded with my mum to tell me what the psychiatrist though, and she just mentioned ADHD. I researched both things with my mum ruling out Autism and me ruling out ADHD. The online tests helped a lot. I'm pretty sure I have ADD, the H doesn't fit though. As for the Autism/Aspergers, I didn't start speaking until I was 5 or 6, but that's probably because my sister was sick during that time so my parents didn't have much time to deal with me and my mum used lots of sign language to communicate with my sister because she lost some of her language temporarily, so I think I picked up on that. I didn't socialise with other children much until primary/elementary school either.

As for the Bipolar, well I was diagnosed with that about five years ago, so I'm pretty certain about that, lol!


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## myjazz (Feb 17, 2010)

chickydoda said:


> @_myjazz_
> 
> 1. How can I get my friend to take my mental illnesses etc seriously?
> 2. What can I do about the movie thing?


Sorry, I didn't mean to ignore you 

As far as the #1 question goes....please do not take anything I say the wrong way 
Seems as if the two sides of this is,
On one hand you have labeled yourself as a person with this illness, when you see yourself you see this label someone put on you as a disorder or illness and accepted it as who you are. This is not saying that you are not depressed or anything like that but instead that this is not who you are.
On the other hand you want your friend to accept this label that has been put on you. Instead of seeing who you are, through her eyes. Just like when you mention about this boy who logged on as you and she thought he was sweet and adorable, she didn't see him as some child with Autism she saw who he was not his label. 




As far as the movies well don't go to the movies or at least until you express how you felt last time to her. Don't put it as she was rude, inappropriate, or anything like that. Simply express how that made you feel


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## StElmosDream (May 26, 2012)

chickydoda said:


> @_StElmosDream_ My psychiatrist wrote a letter to someone and asked me to read it and it mentioned Aspergers/Autism. I'm not 100% sure what she thinks I've got but it's somewhere along those lines. She had a private session with my parents at some point and I pleaded with my mum to tell me what the psychiatrist though, and she just mentioned ADHD. I researched both things with my mum ruling out Autism and me ruling out ADHD. The online tests helped a lot. I'm pretty sure I have ADD, the H doesn't fit though. As for the Autism/Aspergers, I didn't start speaking until I was 5 or 6, but that's probably because my sister was sick during that time so my parents didn't have much time to deal with me and my mum used lots of sign language to communicate with my sister because she lost some of her language temporarily, so I think I picked up on that. I didn't socialise with other children much until primary/elementary school either.
> 
> As for the Bipolar, well I was diagnosed with that about five years ago, so I'm pretty certain about that, lol!


Autism has the speech delays, Aspergers is seen as the more vocal type with higher vocabulary at times even hyperlexia where some children speak earlier or have a vocabulary just above their age (with Aspergers seen as the 'type' to define more societally functional people with average-high intelligences). 

So much confusion with DSM V being released in May, seeking to remove Aspergers diagnosis with some professionals finding it too difficult to classify as separate [autism spectrum disorders] in the teen-adult phases of adjustment... made harder when so few girls actually get diagnosed compared to males (women are the carriers of autism who pass it onto children FYI) because they are taught to 'blend in' or harder to define unless 'exhibiting male traits' of withdrawnness and non committal to friendships or trouble making positive connections with others.

Honestly I think you would be better off getting this confirmed 100% and in the meantime avoiding 'self testing' when much better sources exist on YouTube, anything by Tony Atwood and I can provide professionally approved research on autism if you find out whether PerC allows PdF attachments (you can PM me irrespective of whether or not it does if you wish).


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## INTJellectual (Oct 22, 2011)

Sounds like you two are close friends that gets each other that no one else does. It seems to me that you are holding back a part of yourself, that you are afraid to show her your total you, because you're afraid that if she knows, she might change her mind about how she sees you, and might suddenly change the way she's treating you.

The truth will set you free.

Tell her your condition. If she's a real friend she would stay with in good times and bad times, not just when the weather is fair 
When you told about how she treats the Autistic boy, for me, she seems like an understanding person, a non-judgmental person, and a fun-loving person. (What's her MBTI type btw? ESFP?)

And her talking about the bridesmaids and raising kids alongside with you, proves that you're not just merely a passer-by friend of hers, but a friend who she wants to keep for life.


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## chickydoda (Feb 12, 2010)

INTJellectual said:


> Tell her your condition. If she's a real friend she would stay with in good times and bad times, not just when the weather is fair
> When you told about how she treats the Autistic boy, for me, she seems like an understanding person, a non-judgmental person, and a fun-loving person. (What's her MBTI type btw? ESFP?)


But I did... that was the problem, she didn't take me seriously. I either said I had Bipolar or that I was depressed a lot of the time. I didn't mention the other stuff but I've only just learnt of it.


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## INTJellectual (Oct 22, 2011)

chickydoda said:


> But I did... that was the problem, she didn't take me seriously. I either said I had Bipolar or that I was depressed a lot of the time. I didn't mention the other stuff but I've only just learnt of it.


Maybe because she has never seen you in your low mood, and thought you were just kidding. One time she'd know it and realize the gravity of your situation. She's a happy-natured person and would rather see the positive than the negative ones. Or maybe she chooses not to believe it because thinking about it might make her depressed also. I think, time will come that she will understand and support your situation, and now is not the right time.


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