# How to "break up" with friends?



## she_sells_seashells (Nov 13, 2010)

I'm sure everyone's had it happen: you were friends with someone but eventually you came to realize you no longer wished to connect with them. Growing apart, realizing the person is not who you thought they were or even realizing you actually don't like this person at all - all of it is common. What's the best way to approach such a situation? 
I'm currently dealing with a situation where I no longer wish any contact with members of a certain clique. It's the sort of thing where you can either be friends with all of the people involved, or none at all. I like none at all frankly because I don't enjoy their company. I find that we grew apart to the point where we have nothing in common, and I quite dislike one of the persons involved. I normally don't have strong feelings of dislike towards most people, but this girl's presence irritates. I've had nightmares in which we had to hang out and I couldn't escape her. What I've always done and what I've been doing for well over a year now is just avoidance and trying to reduce contact. Some got it, but the girl in question and another member of the group is either not noticing or refusing to notice this distance. I don't want to have to have an actual 'break up' talk because it won't leave them with too good of a feeling. Ideally they will ultimately get the hint and forget about me because I'm clearly a sucky friend if I can't even put in any effort for these people. I don't even understand why they would want to waste time on my crappy friendship. There must be better people out there to focus all this effort on. 

So I'm just wondering have you guys ever had such a situation where you no longer wished to be friends with someone but they didn't want to let go?
What is the best approach when dealing with this?


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## Vexilla Regis (May 4, 2011)

With all due respect, honesty always works best and apparently you're not really a friend to this person...


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## Up and Away (Mar 5, 2011)

Find some other stuff to do, and just avoid them. Still go see them once every month or two, to see how your new life progression and confidence is developing in relation to your past.


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## Thalassa (Jun 10, 2010)

Move away. I did that once when I decided I didn't like my friends. I was going to a lot of parties, I wanted away from the circle of people who were partying. 

I moved. 

But if that's not a feasible (or desirable) option for you, I would suggest you avoid them, ignore them, and if they confront you just tell them you don't want to hang out. I get the feeling that none of these people are like your BFF so it shouldn't be too difficult for you to shut this clique out. There's no reason to feel guilty or obligated if the friendships aren't real and vital.


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## she_sells_seashells (Nov 13, 2010)

fourtines said:


> Move away. I did that once when I decided I didn't like my friends. I was going to a lot of parties, I wanted away from the circle of people who were partying.
> 
> I moved.
> 
> But if that's not a feasible (or desirable) option for you, I would suggest you avoid them, ignore them, and if they confront you just tell them you don't want to hang out. I get the feeling that none of these people are like your BFF so it shouldn't be too difficult for you to shut this clique out. There's no reason to feel guilty or obligated if the friendships aren't real and vital.


That's pretty much my situation. These friends are big partiers and part of out falling out had to do with them getting too drunk and having me take care of them (including paying for their cab fare of course, and them never even considering that I don't owe them that money), or hanging out with them and them ending up vomiting right at the beginning and forcing their sober friends (often me) to take them home. 

I think that's probably my best bet because I have a feeling an actual mature talk will stir up a lot of unnecessary drama. Frankly I don't mind arguing it out with people if there is something we are fighting to keep but here there's nothing.


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## Thalassa (Jun 10, 2010)

TheDarkDefender said:


> That's pretty much my situation. These friends are big partiers and part of out falling out had to do with them getting too drunk and having me take care of them (*including paying for their cab fare of course, and them never even considering that I don't owe them that money*), or hanging out with them and them ending up vomiting right at the beginning and forcing their sober friends (often me) to take them home.
> 
> I think that's probably my best bet because I have a feeling an actual mature talk will stir up a lot of unnecessary drama. Frankly I don't mind arguing it out with people if there is something we are fighting to keep but here there's nothing.


Wow if its like that, like they're imposing, then definitely be direct about it.


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## Life.Is.A.Game (Nov 5, 2010)

TheDarkDefender said:


> I'm sure everyone's had it happen: you were friends with someone but eventually you came to realize you no longer wished to connect with them. Growing apart, realizing the person is not who you thought they were or even realizing you actually don't like this person at all - all of it is common. What's the best way to approach such a situation?
> I'm currently dealing with a situation where I no longer wish any contact with members of a certain clique. It's the sort of thing where you can either be friends with all of the people involved, or none at all. I like none at all frankly because I don't enjoy their company. I find that we grew apart to the point where we have nothing in common, and I quite dislike one of the persons involved. I normally don't have strong feelings of dislike towards most people, but this girl's presence irritates. I've had nightmares in which we had to hang out and I couldn't escape her. What I've always done and what I've been doing for well over a year now is just avoidance and trying to reduce contact. Some got it, but the girl in question and another member of the group is either not noticing or refusing to notice this distance. I don't want to have to have an actual 'break up' talk because it won't leave them with too good of a feeling. Ideally they will ultimately get the hint and forget about me because I'm clearly a sucky friend if I can't even put in any effort for these people. I don't even understand why they would want to waste time on my crappy friendship. There must be better people out there to focus all this effort on.
> 
> So I'm just wondering have you guys ever had such a situation where you no longer wished to be friends with someone but they didn't want to let go?
> What is the best approach when dealing with this?


I was in this situation, I wouldn't have to "break up" with a friend if she wasn't so needy of my attention all the time. I told her "I'm not a good friend", and "I don't really need friends", I think I said something about "I"m only friends with you because I feel bad"... at the time it sounded ok but later on I realized that was a bit harsh. It was the honest truth but I didn't know that some people don't take the truth for what it is....

I'm still not good with this, I guess the only advice I would have is figure out how that person is and what he/she understands about others. Some people, if you tell them you're depressed and want to be left alone...that will work... others, understand things differently, observe how she/he is and do that. 

Sometimes I have to "play the victim" for people to live me alone, sometimes I have to play the "tough one", but everyone is different and unfortunately you have to do it THEIR way if you don't want them to hate you forever....


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## she_sells_seashells (Nov 13, 2010)

fourtines said:


> Wow if its like that, like they're imposing, then definitely be direct about it.


I have had a talk with one of the girls about it who has put me in such a situation on multiple occasions and she tried to seem like she was sorry, but then she started bragging to everyone how great it was that she vomited everywhere and people took her home. It was very insincere.
We haven't gone out or even hung out in well over a year now and I feel like she might be assuming I'll just get over it but it's not just those incidents. It's the whole pattern of disregard for me as a person and our clashing views and personalities. In all honesty I would've expected that after all this time and lack of effort on my part she (and the others as well) would just realize I'm not a very good friend and find someone who treats them better but it seems like they don't want to?



Life.Is.A.Game said:


> I was in this situation, I wouldn't have to "break up" with a friend if she wasn't so needy of my attention all the time. I told her "I'm not a good friend", and "I don't really need friends", I think I said something about "I"m only friends with you because I feel bad"... at the time it sounded ok but later on I realized that was a bit harsh. It was the honest truth but I didn't know that some people don't take the truth for what it is....
> 
> I'm still not good with this, I guess the only advice I would have is figure out how that person is and what he/she understands about others. *Some people, if you tell them you're depressed and want to be left alone...that will work... others, understand things differently, observe how she/he is and do that.
> 
> Sometimes I have to "play the victim" for people to live me alone*, sometimes I have to play the "tough one", but everyone is different and unfortunately you have to do it THEIR way if you don't want them to hate you forever....


With online stuff I've just tried to delete them or ignore them to the best of my ability but when I run into them in person I try to be polite while being cold and awkward and just seeming like I'm preoccupied with something else and must leave. Once I was on my phone walking to my car and 2 of the girls ran across the building (after not having talked to me for the entire semester) and were doing the whole 'Omg you're like a celebrity because I never see you - WE SHOULD HANG OUT - what's your number? - let's hang out okay?' so I said I was busy and can't promise anything. I've said that every time I've seen them in person but it just seems like by now they should realize if I really wanted to hang out I would make time somehow. 

Sorry for ranting you guys. I'm just so frustrated. I'm trying to be reasonably polite and avoid hurting anyone's feelings while shutting them out of my life and they just keep trying.


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## Life.Is.A.Game (Nov 5, 2010)

TheDarkDefender said:


> I have had a talk with one of the girls about it who has put me in such a situation on multiple occasions and she tried to seem like she was sorry, but then she started bragging to everyone how great it was that she vomited everywhere and people took her home. It was very insincere.
> We haven't gone out or even hung out in well over a year now and I feel like she might be assuming I'll just get over it but it's not just those incidents. It's the whole pattern of disregard for me as a person and our clashing views and personalities. In all honesty I would've expected that after all this time and lack of effort on my part she (and the others as well) would just realize I'm not a very good friend and find someone who treats them better but it seems like they don't want to?
> 
> 
> ...


Totally understand, very very much so!!

I have a lot of friends (well...ex friends) who wanted to hang out with me all the time. They'd facebook me, call me, text me, and I tried to avoid them. Didn't answer my phone (told them I'm having problems with my phone), the text is easier, I'd just text them that I'm busy with something, facebook is not so bad either, I'd say the same thing like in a text. 
However, it started wearing me out having to pretend I'm too depressed or too busy just to avoid them. It really sucks, first because I hate lying, and second because I'm frustrated that they don't get the point!!!

One "friend" in particular, just will NOT get the point. Still to this day she'll try to contact me (Thank God she just had a baby lol, she's too busy to go out now), but she'll try in any way possible to contact me just to chat. 

I HATE HATE HATE small chat, I hate talking about "nothing", and she's one of those. She thinks I"m her friend only because we started out as knowing each other and now we have to be "friends forever".... yuck.

Anyway, now I"m rambling because you remind me of how people don't get the point. There is no solution, but you have choices:

1. You fake your "I'm depressed, stressed, busy, just need to be alone right now" thing.... 
2. You have some sort of ADD and just forget to call back 

or I dunno...you can find your own excuse. I guess you could be honest but... how? Telling them you don't want to be their friend? I tried saying it by blaming myself and it still hurt them, if you're honest about it, you could ruin their whole life...lol... I dunno dude. I still haven't figured out a way that works. Although....everyone's leaving me alone now finally , because I have no money, no job, no car, so I can totally say I'm stressed/depressed /looking for a job. It works for now... )


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## she_sells_seashells (Nov 13, 2010)

Life.Is.A.Game said:


> Totally understand, very very much so!!
> 
> I have a lot of friends (well...ex friends) who wanted to hang out with me all the time.* They'd facebook me, call me, text me, and I tried to avoid them. Didn't answer my phone (told them I'm having problems with my phone), the text is easier, I'd just text them that I'm busy with something, facebook is not so bad either, I'd say the same thing like in a text. *
> However, it started wearing me out having to pretend I'm too depressed or too busy just to avoid them. It really sucks, first because I hate lying, and second because I'm frustrated that they don't get the point!!!
> ...


It's definitely the case with me now with all these attempts at contact but if you think about it, how healthy is that person's approach to this if they are so obsessed with getting in touch with someone who doesn't want to even respond to them? 

This seems waaaay tougher than breaking up with a significant other for some reason. I think avoidance is probably the healthiest option of all and then just...acting awkward when running into these people. Nobody wants to hang out with someone who uncomfortable to even briefly talk to! Hopefully...

It kind of makes me sad for them in a way because if you try so hard for just 'some other person', how much effort do they waste on people they actually care about and who are actually worth the time? I don't want to feel guilty about not wanting to be friends but it almost seems like either these types of people (my ex friends, your ex friends and others like them) might have some self-esteem issues somewhere.


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## Life.Is.A.Game (Nov 5, 2010)

TheDarkDefender said:


> It's definitely the case with me now with all these attempts at contact but if you think about it, how healthy is that person's approach to this if they are so obsessed with getting in touch with someone who doesn't want to even respond to them?
> 
> This seems waaaay tougher than breaking up with a significant other for some reason. I think avoidance is probably the healthiest option of all and then just...acting awkward when running into these people. Nobody wants to hang out with someone who uncomfortable to even briefly talk to! Hopefully...
> 
> It kind of makes me sad for them in a way because if you try so hard for just 'some other person', how much effort do they waste on people they actually care about and who are actually worth the time? I don't want to feel guilty about not wanting to be friends but it almost seems like either these types of people (my ex friends, your ex friends and others like them) might have some self-esteem issues somewhere.


Lol good luck with acting awkward....something it helps , sometimes not. ( i do that too, sometimes on purpose, sometimes it just feels awkward cuz i don't know what the F to talk to them about lol)

ya...pretty low self esteem... OR, from what I observed, emotional people tend to cling onto others, sometimes not just because THEY need those people, but because they THINK those people need them...

If I shut myself off and try to make them understand I need some alone time, all they hear is "this person is depressed, they need alone time because they're not ok, I need to be there ...which makes them be there even more!!!!"

So maybe it's not their self esteem, but them trying to help YOU or ME get out of our "depression" stage which we're faking anyway...lol so freaking confusing. 

People and their stupid needs. I don't get it. I want everyone to just leave me the F alone. Why don't people SEE THAT? isn't it obvious???? Go make other friends,there are millions and billions of people out there! WHY me??? 

Ohhh, because I'm awesome??? Ok....that makes sense. ))))


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## nallyha (Apr 23, 2010)

simple, just let them now you're not really a friend. sometimes they actually think i'm joking. well, at least i'm honest!


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## she_sells_seashells (Nov 13, 2010)

Life.Is.A.Game said:


> Lol good luck with acting awkward....something it helps , sometimes not. ( i do that too, sometimes on purpose, sometimes it just feels awkward cuz i don't know what the F to talk to them about lol)
> 
> ya...pretty low self esteem... OR, from what I observed, emotional people tend to cling onto others, sometimes not just because THEY need those people, but because they THINK those people need them...
> 
> ...


Or maybe just like leave as they are talking. I know a few people who don't know how to leave a conversation properly so they just disappear while others are talking. It's funny but sooo awkward sometimes. I bet no one would want to talk to me then! 

Haha I bet you they want to help you because they want to feel warm and fuzzy inside except they're really not intuitive about your 'struggle', which you may be faking. It's so weird how some people interpret the message you're trying to convey. 

YES! Just leave me to F alone. I swear for a really brief period in time, not too long ago, I actually used to enjoy having many acquaintances and talking to everyone possible but that was so short lived but I still don't know how I managed that. Right now I'm so much happier if no one even talks to me. Hell if people try it often annoys me. I don't know how it was possible for me to be that friendly when I'm pretty sure I'm kind of socially inept. 



nallyha said:


> simple, just let them now you're not really a friend. sometimes they actually think i'm joking. well, at least i'm honest!


Hah I can see that working really well. 
_"Friend": hey we should hang out or something soon yeah?
Me: Why? _


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## Life.Is.A.Game (Nov 5, 2010)

nallyha said:


> simple, just let them now you're not really a friend. sometimes they actually think i'm joking. well, at least i'm honest!


Wait, so what do you say? "I don't want to hang out with you" ? Or "I'm not your friend" ? 

I'm curious about how you approach them when they want to hang out...


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## Life.Is.A.Game (Nov 5, 2010)

TheDarkDefender said:


> Or maybe just like leave as they are talking. I know a few people who don't know how to leave a conversation properly so they just disappear while others are talking. It's funny but sooo awkward sometimes. I bet no one would want to talk to me then!
> 
> Haha I bet you they want to help you because they want to feel warm and fuzzy inside except they're really not intuitive about your 'struggle', which you may be faking. It's so weird how some people interpret the message you're trying to convey.
> 
> ...


Same problem here. Sometimes I love hanging out with people, I have fun with them, it's all good, but most of the time I want to be alone. Like you said, it's short lived. My "friends" think it has to do with me being in a relationship. They always say "you're so much more fun and happy when you're single"... what they DON'T realize, is that when I'm single I seem to be more fun because I go out more to flirt with guys until one of them becomes my partner. Once I get my partner I become enclosed again. But I prefer it that way. 
In fact, many times I think I prefer being single and alone. But it's too annoying to hear everyone ask me "why don't you have a boyfriend, why don't you have kids, why don't you go out more"... this could be one of the reasons I want to be in a relationship. People understand that when I'm in a relationship I don't go out as much. That's kinda sad now that I think about it, that I get in relationships just so others leave me alone. haha. What a breakthrough. )


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## ersa (Feb 9, 2012)

It seems like the girl has no clue you're distancing. Can you just write her a note if you don't want to have a break up talk?


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## ersa (Feb 9, 2012)

Life.Is.A.Game said:


> Same problem here. Sometimes I love hanging out with people, I have fun with them, it's all good, but most of the time I want to be alone. Like you said, it's short lived. My "friends" think it has to do with me being in a relationship. They always say "you're so much more fun and happy when you're single"... what they DON'T realize, is that when I'm single I seem to be more fun because I go out more to flirt with guys until one of them becomes my partner. Once I get my partner I become enclosed again. But I prefer it that way.
> In fact, many times I think I prefer being single and alone. But it's too annoying to hear everyone ask me "why don't you have a boyfriend, why don't you have kids, why don't you go out more"... this could be one of the reasons I want to be in a relationship. People understand that when I'm in a relationship I don't go out as much. That's kinda sad now that I think about it, that I get in relationships just so others leave me alone. haha. What a breakthrough. )


I feel the same way. It seems like I have to be in a relationship to appear normal or so that one of my friends would get off my back asking why am I not dating even though I have explained to her many times that I don't have a problem of being alone, I'm not lonely, I have her, I have friends, I have hobbies, I have family, I just haven't found someone whom I want to be in a long term relationship with yet. It's funny she asked me because she happens to be tired of her boyfriend but not knowing whether she wants to keep this relationship. So, no I don't want to end up like her diving into a relationship just wanting some companies.


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## nallyha (Apr 23, 2010)

Life.Is.A.Game said:


> Wait, so what do you say? "I don't want to hang out with you" ? Or "I'm not your friend" ?
> 
> I'm curious about how you approach them when they want to hang out...


well,i just tell them that ok, i think you're ok but i don't trust people thus i can't have anyone being my friend.


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