# Relationship help ENFP and INTP



## Boo2 (May 1, 2010)

Hi, I'm new here and need some advice!

I was introduced to MB tests by my boyfriend of 3 months who is heavily into it (testing me after our 3rd date lol). I kept coming up as an ENFP and really I do think that that is an accurate assessment of my personality (although I do like some alone time to chill and reflect). My bf is an INTP and seems to be just like the profile (although he can be quite sociable).

When we met we where both amazed by how quickly we connected and how suited we are...thinking the same things ...likeing alot of the same stuff etc...both admitting that we have never encountered such a relationship in our adult lives... the passion, stimulation, interest, comfort and understanding was instant.
So what's the problem?? Well....we see each other daily and it's fab and thanks to my open communication and his willingness to participate we have understood our differences more and have not encountered even the mildest form of conflict. Until yesterday, that is. We had a disagreement whilst out with friends (I was with mine and he with his, and we grouped up towards the end of the evening). I made a sarcastic comment about his friend (as he was more interested in ensuring that he got him home safely and no consideration for whether I got home OK...we don't live near each other), so I simply said for him to go and take care of his friend in a sarcastic tone, whilst turning away from him. He then analysed this for about 5 mins then came to me and ranted on based totally on incorrect facts (i.e. what he was saying about why I made the comment was wholly incorrect).....anyway....I told him that there was no place in my life for anyone to talk at me like that and to not consider my welfare and I left. 
I woke up today feeling angry with him....by the afternoon I was sad...and wanted to sort things out...communicate. Knowing it would not be easy I wrote a 5 page letter explaining how I felt and why (circumstances.....his lack of enthusiasm towards me this week due to over-work, and not considering me even though I had a couple of serious challenges to overcome during the week, and yet I'd supported him helping with his work). But I also detailed how I understand that that was not a problem as I am aware of how he handles pressure at work and finds it difficult to show emotion etc...but I just described the reason behind my response. 

The letter was descriptive and constructive, ending positively and with a request that we sort it out before this problem grows bigger than it should be.

He did not respond to my letter, just a text stating that we will talk tomorrow (we where supposed to be spending the evening together at a friends party) as it was not the right time to address this. 
I feel angry because he was out of order last night and has withdrawn and is even angry with ME!
I am worried that he may wish to split up, when all I wanted was an apology.
Is it possible for an INTP to change their emotions so quickly? My gut feeling was that we where not as close this past week and I wanted to reconnect at the weekend. (I usually have ended any previous relationships as I withdraw, he has stated that the same is with his past relationships....but he is very special to me and I need help and[/font] guidance on how to best sort this.
any advice would be welcomed!
:sad


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## 2ds (May 2, 2010)

Wow I have so many things I can add to this =D

First of all, INTP and INFP's have _the_ lowest number of happy partners, your intp probably is going to be a bit of a rocky ride but many people find them rewarding in the long run.

INTP's shadow function is Extroverted Feeling. I don't know how old he is but most INTP's don't really start to come to grips with it until their 30's. If he is under presseure he will start using FE more and more, and he is not very good with it, it's liable to hurt you and him.

I remember sometime about the age of 26 I realised I could have these emotional outburts and run really hot and cold on people, this would freak people out. Internally in my ice castle I didn't even know I was doing itm boy was that ever a rude awakening.

INTP's primary mode of analysis is Introverted Thinking, the fact that he has gone quiet after the argument probably means he is thinking about it a lot. I once watched my dad go quiet on my step mum for 2 weeks after she dropped some random comment about moving back overseas. After two weeks he told her he didn't want to leave his family and they'd have to get divorced if she left, she had no idea ..... (they're still togeather 

Your 5 page letter probably hasn't helped, I'm betting it's full of all this emotional stuff which he is no good at processing and is probably really hard going for him. My ENFP mother is constantly writing me these damn letters that are so emotionally draning for me to read that I feel like I need a cigarette and a whiskey after. A couple of sentences may have been better.

I suspect once he has come out of his feeling/thinking processing fugue you'll be all happy again.

You used the totally wrong tool to try and get him to pay attention to you in the first place. I'm sure some other INTP on here will be abel to give you something better to say in this situation. You're right for telling him he shouldn't talk to you in that way, stick to your guns on this point.


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## Boo2 (May 1, 2010)

*Thanks*

Thanks 2ds, I appreciate your response!
Well......you where all so very correct and I wish I'd posted my question BEFORE the letter...oops!
We met up, and talked at length...actually armed with your comments enabled me to think more logically rather than emotionally before we met up. There where a lot issues that came to the surface (I was correct with my feeling that there was more to it for the past weeks). He is not a great communicater and really had also misunderstood me too. 
Unlike alot of ENFPs I have in past relationships been acused of being emotionless at times, and I also need a lot of space. I thought I'd change tac with my INTP as I felt when we met that he was someone really special....so I showered him with affection and made a conscious effort with loving statments (not what `i would naturally do...so I was not too comfortable with this either). He told me he found this overwhelming and felt that I required that from him (guess he'd been reading about ENFPs too much too....Whilst I am an ENFP....I don't require or desire too much gush!! In fact quite the oposite).....Our conversation was amazing and very liberating for both of us.
We had both been trying to please each other in a way that was unnatural for each other and the result was frustration on both parts and could have easily lead to us endiing the relationship yesterday.
Thankfully, the actual result was a greater understanding and a weight being lifted from each of our shoulders as we get to be totally ourselves with each other.
Communication is a great tool....
Understanding is even better....
On a friendship level we make an awesome team....as bf/gf we where both trying too hard to please each other and didn't really understand each other's needs....which are actually quite similar!
He stated that he didn't think he could give me what I want/need....but what he thought I wanted was completely different to what I did. My response was that he had already given me what I wanted...the quirky, interesting, stimulating person he is satisfys my needs, and barrage of gushy words actually just irritate me.

By the way...the whole letter thing was new for me too....and won't be repeated lol 

I still think that we have a lot more understanding to achieve...but that's exciting. He's in his mid 30s and recognises areas that heneeds to develop for personal growth ( as I do too)...but we can have fun in the process lol

Boo2


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## 2ds (May 2, 2010)

Wow did I just help you bout before you met up?

I fucking love the internet that is awesome!

He sounds like a lucky guy


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## Boo2 (May 1, 2010)

Yeh, I totally agree....like I have a problem here in the UK and my friends can't help with it as I know it's more a personality type of issue...so I find a website...with like minded people contributing...post my problem and people from anywhere in the world can comment with their insight and benefit of their experience......TOTALLY awesome 

Thank you 2ds....I'm sure he will realize that too hahaha


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