# insulted by boyfriend's request



## Sapere aude (Jan 6, 2015)

My boyfriend decided he would lend his father his car for the week as his father's car is currently out of commission. I, trying to be a happy supportive girlfriend, have been driving him to and from work. Yesterday things got awkward as he wanted me to drive him to work and pick him up from work and then drive him home and return after my work to pick him up and drive him all the way to his parents house to drop him off there and then return a couple of hours later to pick him up yet again to drive him back home. Now I'm pretty sure that is just down right blasphemous and incredibly insulting. Especially considering that he could bus an hour and thirteen minutes at the cost of $2.50 to get to his parents on his own. So I declined and told him he could take the bus if he really wanted to get there and he said he'd look up the bus schedule and decide if it was worth it to him to make the trip. He told me he'd not be taking the bus and that I could pick him up like usual and that he would go to his parents house the next day. Apparently he didn't even look up the bus schedule which tells me that it wasn't even worth it to him to put in the few seconds of his time to look to see what it would be like, but it is apparently worth all of my time to drive him around. I find this also to be incredibly insulting.


Now all this is occurring because his sister is back in town for the first time since December and he is super excited about it (though apparently not enough to bus to see her). I was totally excited to meet another member of his family and have a happy fun time and all, but now I really feel rather sour about it. It would be cool with me if I was being introduced to her because he was genuinely happy to share me with her, however it is being done as a means to an end. He doesn't have a car, and thus I'm being invited along as he wants a ride. I told him if he takes the bus there from his work I'd be willing to pick him up from his parents place afterwards but it seems as though he really wants to be driven there. Anyway I am super pissed off and really don't feel like meeting his sister at this point or driving there but I don't want to stop him from getting there either or be unsupportive. I don't know what to do, am I over reacting? Should I make him take the bus?


Today he invited me to drive him there and hang out and make cookies with him and his sister. This is because I refused to drive back and forth to get him yesterday, so of course he knows in order to have the ride he needs to invite me to hang out. I don't really want the first time I meet a member of his family to just be a means to an end.


tl;dr: BF asked me to drive him to work and back and then asked me to pick him up after I got out of work to drive him to all the way to his parents and then drop him off and then COME BACK to pick him up after he was done seeing them that night so I could take him to work from his house the next day.


----------



## General Lee Awesome (Sep 28, 2014)

thats pretty disrespectful


----------



## ObservantFool (Apr 1, 2015)

I understand what you mean about people who act like they're doing something for one reason to get you to help them, while covering up a separate motivation. If that is what you feel is happening, I wouldn't be thrilled about going either, but in the long run, if you want to stay with this person, maybe you could agree to drive him that one day to go meet his sister (he probably does still want you to meet her) for the sake of diplomacy, as he might feel betrayed if you don't, which could create tension, but you know your boyfriend better than I. Although you might argue that this visit is not important to him, I think he is just trying to take advantage of his most convenient option (i.e. you). Warn him that after the initial visit (which will represent your act of closure), he will _have _to start taking the bus (if he doesn't know how to navigate the schedule or know where the stops are, maybe you could help him find out) unless you offer to drive him or it's an emergency, or unless he starts paying you for rides (if you would agree to that). Let him know how you feel if you think he is being too inconsiderate or pushy. You've been generous with him, so let him stomp his feet if that's what he's going to do, but you don't owe him a taxi service. He has to be sympathetic with you as well. If you don't want to go to his sister's, tell him you have plans or are not feeling up to it, but that he should go have fun. This is not expert advice, just my thoughts.


----------



## Pizza Lady (Aug 2, 2015)

I don't know how long you've been with him, but even reading the description of what he wanted you to do makes me dizzy and I would feel really upset by it. He chose to lend his car out, so in a sense, he should be ready to deal with the result of that rather than putting it all on you. Taking the bus for $2.50 sounds far more practical, and it sounds like maybe he doesn't want to bother with it because he perceives it to be too much of a hassle when he could just get you to give him rides?

Whether or not this situation has already passed by now, it sounds like issues like these will be future points of contention. I feel his request is unreasonable and rather absurd, and your offers were reasonable. Giving in to his request might also make room in the future for similar incidents like this to happen.


----------



## Blue Soul (Mar 14, 2015)

@Sapere aude You're overreacting, but you aren't your lazy boyfriend's errand slave either so don't give in. Now go bake some cookies and forget about that nonsense.

On a side note, to spice things up you could probably decline his "offer" of driving him there, make him take the bus instead, and drive there alone anyway and hangout with his sister before he arrives (this is not very advisable, but funny). Or perhaps he might even start respecting you.


----------



## Notus Asphodelus (Jan 20, 2015)

Ask him to contribute some to your vehicle's gas money if he starts making it a habit. Love is love but don't give in to his request too much or you will end up taking a romantic bus ride with him for many years to come. Poverty is real.


----------



## Dao (Sep 13, 2013)

Sapere aude said:


> He told me he'd not be taking the bus and that I could pick him up like usual and that he would go to his parents house the next day.


Well, then you can tell him that he will not visit his parents' house.

He does not sound like a quality partner. You may want to reconsider this relationship as he continues to treat you as a means to his ends.


----------



## BenevolentBitterBleeding (Mar 16, 2015)

I think it's a bit disrespectful but it also depends how close you guys are.

And I'll play devil's advocate in saying that maybe he thinks that because he would do the same for you, it shouldn't be a problem. Or that the both of you going together would kill two birds with one stone in that he gets what he wants, while also introducing the two of you.

I'd say try to look at the big picture for this specific situation and go hang out with them, out of respect for his sister who might want to meet you too.


----------



## Carpentet810 (Nov 17, 2013)

Ah yes the classic bait and switch. Like getting a baby to eat by showing him a lolly and switching it out for a bite of pea gruel.


----------



## Impavida (Dec 29, 2011)

He loaned his car to his father. Therefore his father should be his errand boy. I don't know why he thinks that any of this should be your responsibility.


----------



## Schizoid (Jan 31, 2015)

Sapere aude said:


> My boyfriend decided he would lend his father his car for the week as his father's car is currently out of commission. I, trying to be a happy supportive girlfriend, have been driving him to and from work. Yesterday things got awkward as he wanted me to drive him to work and pick him up from work and then drive him home and return after my work to pick him up and drive him all the way to his parents house to drop him off there and then return a couple of hours later to pick him up yet again to drive him back home. Now I'm pretty sure that is just down right blasphemous and incredibly insulting. Especially considering that he could bus an hour and thirteen minutes at the cost of $2.50 to get to his parents on his own. So I declined and told him he could take the bus if he really wanted to get there and he said he'd look up the bus schedule and decide if it was worth it to him to make the trip. He told me he'd not be taking the bus and that I could pick him up like usual and that he would go to his parents house the next day. Apparently he didn't even look up the bus schedule which tells me that it wasn't even worth it to him to put in the few seconds of his time to look to see what it would be like, but it is apparently worth all of my time to drive him around. I find this also to be incredibly insulting.
> 
> 
> Now all this is occurring because his sister is back in town for the first time since December and he is super excited about it (though apparently not enough to bus to see her). I was totally excited to meet another member of his family and have a happy fun time and all, but now I really feel rather sour about it. It would be cool with me if I was being introduced to her because he was genuinely happy to share me with her, however it is being done as a means to an end. He doesn't have a car, and thus I'm being invited along as he wants a ride. I told him if he takes the bus there from his work I'd be willing to pick him up from his parents place afterwards but it seems as though he really wants to be driven there. Anyway I am super pissed off and really don't feel like meeting his sister at this point or driving there but I don't want to stop him from getting there either or be unsupportive. I don't know what to do, am I over reacting? Should I make him take the bus?
> ...


 
Could your boyfriend have social anxiety? Perhaps this might explain why he is reluctant to take public transport?


----------



## Lunaena (Nov 16, 2013)

I don't think I'd bother driving anyone around like that all the time. He should've thought about this and bus routes before lending out his car.


----------



## PowerShell (Feb 3, 2013)

You said he lent his car for a week? Is he getting his car back soon?


----------



## Chesire Tower (Jan 19, 2013)

I think that he was so comfortably with leaning on you to be his temp chauffer, than he should have discussed this with you *before* he lent out his car to his dad. I feel he is being pretty arrogant and disrespectful of you, since you have yet to provide any evidence of actual *appreciation* for what you have done for him.

Let him know that while you want to help and support him; *your* time is valuable to. I personally would be very uncomfortable with being introduced to my bf's family - only conditional on my providing the transportation, to and from. My two cents: If he tells you that it's really important to him that you and his sister actually meet, than by all means do it - help him with the transportation but otherwise, I would decline and pay more intention to your needs and interests. in the future.


----------



## angelfish (Feb 17, 2011)

I'm guessing your week is almost over, but personally, I'd say to judge it by your personal schedule and preferences. Do you have time and energy, and do you feel like meeting his sister? Drive him. Are you tired and not feeling like driving or socializing? Let him decide if he cares enough to take the bus. I think regardless, he should be offering you gas money.

Karma said it - sounds like this is something he should have discussed with you beforehand and needs to show some appreciation to you for. How to move forward? Tell him that while you would typically be happy to drive him, you feel disrespected by his lack of consideration. See how he responds.


----------



## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

How's that insulting? It's just stupid like many ideas.


----------



## Toru Okada (May 10, 2011)

You aren't obligated to do anything for him. Nor are you entitled to feel insulted about it if you do agree to keep doing it. And yeah, his parents should probably be helping him out.


----------



## EndsOfTheEarth (Mar 14, 2015)

Just tell him you cant drive him around or meet his sister because you have a date.


----------



## Belzy (Aug 12, 2013)

Sapere aude said:


> Anyway I am super pissed off and really don't feel like meeting his sister at this point or driving there but I don't want to stop him from getting there either or be unsupportive. I don't know what to do, am I over reacting? Should I make him take the bus?


Stand up for yourself. If you feel like this, then you have to share that with him, and if he is right for you he'd understand and respect that. If you don't stand up for yourself, and you let him push you over like this time after time again, you will only feel worse and worse, and you will be living your life for him, and not for yourself. You yourself comes first, if you don't, then eventually you will regret when it has become too much for you to take. And you have a very reasonable suggestion (the bus) anyway, which he should take over you feeling like this. You as a person deserve more than this. I'm sure you are usually supportive to him, but you don't have to be that all the time if that means you forgot about yourself; the more often you forget yourself, the harder it will be for you to be confident about yourself and satisfied. You shouldn't want this, nor should he, but the fact alone you shouldn't want that is enough.

You should be the person who decides how to live your life. I know people who gave away the control of their lives to someone else, and eventually they regret it very very much. Don't allow anyone to take advantage of your insecurity, because then you will only become more so, and you don't want that to happen. You are entitled to stand up for yourself, always and to everyone. It's better to share your feelings (standing up for yourself / express yourself) than keeping them to yourself as in let people push you over, leaving you alone miserably. Surprisingly often sharing gives a positive outcome. There is a very good chance he has no idea you feel this way about his request and that he will respond very positively to you if you share it. Often people have no idea what they do to someone else (their feelings) when requesting stuff and so.


----------

