# Feeling like a loser - what can I do to become a winner?



## BroNerd (Nov 27, 2010)

These days, I'm embarrassed to admit that I'm 30.

Growing up - I was supposed to be someone successful. I was always "the smart one". And that's about it. I don't have any other redeemable qualities. I got some bad advice and I stayed in a shit job for too long. Then I found a less shitty job last year but it has been a struggle just to prove myself and move up the ranks. I am grateful that I found a better job but I feel like it is a slow way up in my field. COVID isn't helping. I was hoping for a promotion around this time but it looks like it isn't happening because it was supposed to be effective 2/1 and I didn't hear anything. I guess I'm stuck in mediocrity at work.

Compared to many people my age, I'm a failure who is living in mediocrity. I work as hard as I can but it doesn't seem to be enough. All I see is that I'm behind so many people my age on life. People who were way worse than me academically. But I'm behind and I'm not getting any younger.

I have a girlfriend who is crazy about me. But I hardly feel any attraction towards her and I'm feeling less over time. We've been dating for almost two years. I know why I'm not attracted to her. I'm trying to give hints about what is bothering me. The relationship is destined to die but we're giving it another month or two before pulling the plug. The one thing that is stopping me is that I don't know if I'll find anyone better than what I have now. Like I said, she is crazy about me no matter what I do and no matter how I screw up. I don't think I'll ever find someone who loves me so unconditionally ever again. She's willing to hang on unless I actually tell her it's over.

I'm in a loser position. I am not a winner. I have little to be proud of.

The only thing for which I can be proud of is that I'm moving into my own house next month. Saving money was the only good thing that came out from staying with my parents after college. My mom would nag me anytime I wanted to move out until now. I guess I can feel grateful that I never had the experience of living in some small cramped apartment - I have a real house and a girlfriend who is hoping that I'll someday have her move in with me. I really hope I can turn a new leaf in my life and become the kind of person I want to be when I'm on my own. However, I'm so behind on my career and I have an unsatisfying love life.

I've been feeling depressed lately and I don't know what to do. I want life to get better but I just feel so stuck. I don't think I'll ever be successful in my career or be in a relationship with a woman I really care about.

I have an addictive personality. I am tempted just to give up on being successful and focus on alcohol and drugs. At least then maybe I'll be a happy person.


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## Dreamcatcherplaceboeffect (Dec 24, 2020)

Career advice: give it a day or two, and then inquire. No ask, no get.

Relationship advice: you shouldn’t be with someone you’re not that into because she _might_ be the best you can do. You deserve more than that, and so does she. It is especially unfair to her because it sounds like she is really investing in the relationship when it’s not mutual.

I know this is brief and direct, but I hope it helps. Sometimes it is easier to see what needs to happen when you are an outside observer looking in.


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## 545769 (Apr 3, 2019)

I don’t think it’s so much that you are a failure and unsuccessful, but more that you don’t feel fullfilled. The question is...what do you think will fulfill you?

I am sorry to hear that you are depressed though. That sucks.

As for the girl, never settle. At least I would never settle. And it will really suck for this girl if you keep stringing her along- though unintentionally...I know you like the comfortableness of having someone around and adore you, but that poor woman’s heart...


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## BroNerd (Nov 27, 2010)

Dreamcatcherplaceboeffect said:


> Career advise: give it a day or two, and then inquire. No ask, no get.
> 
> Relationship advise: you shouldn’t be with someone you’re not that into because she _might_ be the best you can do. You deserve more than that, and so does she. It is especially unfair to her because it sounds like she is really investing in the relationship when it’s not mutual.
> 
> I know this is brief and direct, but I hope it helps. Sometimes it is easier to see what needs to happen when you are an outside observer looking in.


Thanks for your advice .
I think it does help. 

As for the career - you're right, I'll take a few days and then find out what's going on. It hit me really hard today because today is 2/1 when they were historically effective. 
The only glimmer of hope I have is that nobody has heard about promotions yet - maybe it's later this year?
But people are just so used to February 1 - that they assumed February 1. I'm a n00b who doesn't know any better than what I heard.

With my gf, the relationship is really feeling one-sided since my heart isn't into it. I do have a lot of fun with her and I really do enjoy spending time with her but only in small doses. 
I can spend a day with my gf but there gets a point where I tire of her. 
It's going to be hard to end because I feel like she's been a great part of my life - but I think we dated too long to just be friends at this point.
It will be the most awkward conversation of my life.


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## BroNerd (Nov 27, 2010)

Sweet but Psycho said:


> I don’t think it’s so much that you are a failure and unsuccessful, but more that you don’t feel fulfilled. The question is...what do you think will fulfill you?
> 
> I am sorry to hear that you are depressed though. That sucks.
> 
> As for the girl, never settle. At least I would never settle. And it will really suck for this girl if you keep stringing her along- though unintentionally...I know you like the comfortableness of having someone around and adore you, but that poor woman’s heart...


This is a good question. I've thought about it a lot. I can think of three things.
1.) Having a career where I can earn a good living and where I can be seen as successful by others
2.) Being able to make a positive impact on the world - whether through a career or life outside of one
3.) Having a life companion with whom I have a deep connection - intellectual, sexual, and emotional.
4.) The opportunity to keep learning and expanding my knowledge about the world

Definitely hard to get joy out of anything these days  - with that said, I feel like my depressed mood is more situational than clinical though. If things were going the way I would like, I would be much happier right now.

And you're right. The more time I'm in a relationship, the more it will hurt her when I just say I can't do it anymore. The relationship has been dying since the pandemic began but we've been keeping it on life support. Except I really think my gf thinks things are going great or she likes to act like things are. She's one of those triple-positive tritype people so it could just be her personality too. I feel like I've been more miserable and she doesn't even realize it. No intellectual connection at all with my gf and definitely no sexual attraction.


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## B3LIAL (Dec 21, 2013)

No greater advice than unfortunately just to tell you you've got to take control and have probably wasted time, but never mind because you just did the best you could and didn't know any better.

But what I would say in relation to the comment above -

Earning a decent living - Fine, you wanna be financially secure, ok. But being seen as successful by others? That's just an insecurity man. You're comparing yourself too much to other people.

COMPARISON is your biggest enemy here, and the lack of gratitude and self awareness.

Like others have said, DO NOT SETTLE for anyone, by happy with someone or leave them.

Your choices have lead you here, your mindset is flawed, and you're still young.


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## Keigo (Dec 9, 2020)

I've found in life, that when external circumstances seem lacking, the solution is not to first change the circumstances themselves, but to look internally at your reaction to said circumstances.

Just to give some perspective, for many people, having a steady job and being in a relationship with someone who loves them unconditionally is enough. I'm not implying that you should not change your external circumstances, but try to view your circumstances from a more objective lens. 

For many people, they might feel they do not have enough money, or that the person they are with is not as attractive as the person they seen on TV, or the person their friend might be with. These things might be true, but ask yourself if a lack of these things is the source of a lack of happiness, or if something else is. For example, people often want more money, not because they necessarily want to buy more things, but because of the perceived security and status it brings; I myself have often been guilty of this. Or someone might feel a lack of attraction to someone they initially liked, because of the fact that both people have been in a relationship for so long, that there is no "novelty" or "excitement"; the butterflies you felt when you first seen them are no longer there.

Hope this helps.


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## incision (May 23, 2010)

Not sure if you respect Elon Musk but a lot of people do (not me although I respect his innovations) and consider him successful so here's a quote from him that might help:



elon musk said:


> There's a silly notion that failure's not an option at NASA. Failure is an option here. If things are not failing, you are not innovating enough.


As with most people who reach their end goals and continue to do so, perseverance, determination and resilience appear to be the foundational tripod. You will fail on the way, sometime, somewhere but there are many lessons to learn from failure and if you keep bouncing back each time (resilience), you'll get to where you want to go. 

Also, consider how you swing back and forth between satisfaction and dissatisfaction, relative to situations. Work on having a more positive and even keeled attitude, learning to self-sooth with balancing thoughts. When you feel down, start to think of all the things that you're grateful for in your life.


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## islandlight (Aug 13, 2013)

You need to commit to some goals. It seems that you are just letting things happen. You stayed with your parents because that's what your mother wanted, and now you have your own home, so you're lucky that worked out. But that's not how to "win" in most situations.

You've listed four goals, which is great. It's not for me or anyone else to say whether these are worthwhile or not.

But you're living as if your goals are take the easy road, please others, don't make waves.... These are not bad goals either, but I don't think they're what you want.

If you truly don't believe you can't have a successful career or a satisfying relationship, then I guess you just have to settle.

Unfortunately, giving in to drug and alcohol addiction will only cause more problems than you already have.

Good luck.


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## BroNerd (Nov 27, 2010)

On the bright side, at least I feel comfortable that the thing with my job is more so because of COVID-related issues rather than anything related to my performance. 
They passed on promotions this time around. That makes me feel better somehow.


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## BroNerd (Nov 27, 2010)

incision said:


> Not sure if you respect Elon Musk but a lot of people do (not me although I respect his innovations) and consider him successful so here's a quote from him that might help:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I like this Elon Musk quote. I guess I've been learning a lot from the failures I've had in my life and improving as a result.

I feel a little better since I have more perspective on the career situation. It may be a few more months before I can move up where I want to be but I'm really in a better situation career-wise than I was a year ago and I'm happy about that. You're right - thinking about what I can be grateful is important. 

Despite crappy COVID, there are some things which are better in my life than they were last year.
I'm not where I want to be right now but it's not all bad and there is hope.


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## SgtPepper (Nov 22, 2016)

BroNerd said:


> These days, I'm embarrassed to admit that I'm 30.
> 
> Growing up - I was supposed to be someone successful. I was always "the smart one". And that's about it. I don't have any other redeemable qualities. I got some bad advice and I stayed in a shit job for too long. Then I found a less shitty job last year but it has been a struggle just to prove myself and move up the ranks. I am grateful that I found a better job but I feel like it is a slow way up in my field. COVID isn't helping. I was hoping for a promotion around this time but it looks like it isn't happening because it was supposed to be effective 2/1 and I didn't hear anything. I guess I'm stuck in mediocrity at work.
> 
> ...


I struggled with the same questions growing up. A start for me, notice I didn't say solution, started with deciding not to define myself through others, comparing myself, or even attempting live up to any expectation. The only standard and expectation I have is the one I set for myself. Otherwise I lose motivation.


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## BroNerd (Nov 27, 2010)

B3LIAL said:


> No greater advice than unfortunately just to tell you you've got to take control and have probably wasted time, but never mind because you just did the best you could and didn't know any better.
> 
> But what I would say in relation to the comment above -
> 
> ...


I know it's not good to compare myself to others but I can't help it. I see so many people my age doing better than me with better jobs and better lives.
But I know I struggled with some things in my past which put me on a later start than others. I should be proud that I've been able to rise up from the ashes.
I have a good job now. It has tremendous upside potential and it looks like I'll only have to wait another six months for a promotion which I can live with - I have to remember too that I probably would have gotten promoted now if it wasn't for COVID. I'm glad I got out of my old job just before the pandemic hit.

And I definitely don't want to settle. And as others have said, it really isn't fair to her either. I'm just not attracted to her in that way. She's very sweet, supportive, caring, and fun. But she has two major turnoffs. (1) - I'm not attracted to her physically and she doesn't do anything to make herself to look more attractive even with me dropping hints (2) - she's dense and we don't have an intellectual connection - I could definitely be attracted to a plain Jane if I found that we had a strong intellectual connection too.
I feel bad about it. I've had a lot of exes in the past. This one is so different in that we don't really fight at all - but I think that's moreso her since she's the kind of person you can say anything to and it just kind of rolls off her back. These days I feel like I've been more irritable with her but she just kind of ignores it and acts like it isn't a big deal.

I'm trying one more thing to see if I can keep the relationship alive (packaged in a VDay gift)- but I'm thinking that the plug will be pulled soon.


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## islandlight (Aug 13, 2013)

Re the girlfriend: Maybe she doesn't understand hints. I don't. 

Try being direct (but not brutal), e.g., "I'd really like you to lose weight. Could you do that for me?"


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## BroNerd (Nov 27, 2010)

islandlight said:


> Re the girlfriend: Maybe she doesn't understand hints. I don't.
> 
> Try being direct (but not brutal), e.g., "I'd really like you to lose weight. Could you do that for me?"


I can try that. It's been hard because I've only been seeing her once a week at most. 
That's something which could change when I move into my own place - that's really my call, I know she's ready but I don't know if I'm ready.
Regardless I could plan to discuss with her via phone since you're right, maybe she doesn't understand the hints. 

I think she could do simple things to make herself look more attractive: wear more feminine clothing, put on make up and do her nails once in a while. I don't feel physically attracted to my girlfriend. At first, I was thinking that maybe she'd try more once the two of us started dating more but she hasn't. I see potential in my girlfriend though if she wants to put in the little extra effort. 
She has a cute face and she is slim and petite. I was hoping that she would figure things out on her own. The most she goes is halfway. Like I suggested dressing up once. She put on a nice dress but she wore jean shorts and sneakers with that dress. I wanted to encourage her for doing at least one thing right so I complimented the dress and that was it. Didn't want to discourage her with criticisms. 

The real problem is that I don't think my girlfriend and I are on the same wavelength intellectually. She's not worldly and hasn't really made much attempt to expand her horizons. She had a learning disability growing up (she still acts dumb sometimes - but I think she outgrew the disability itself) and she never was away from home. But if I can at least feel sexually attracted to my girlfriend, I think there is hope the relationship could survive. My girlfriend is heavily controlled by her family and I could be that one to break that. She seems adaptable enough but the question is whether she's capable.


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## ImpossibleHunt (May 30, 2020)

Honestly man, I can sympathize. It's not the best feeling when you think life is getting stagnant.
But the key is to take the initiative. I felt useless staying at my parents, so I moved out when I was 20. 
To many, it wasn't the most logical decision I ever made. I was going to college, and I needed to save up money. But I decided to move out anyway.

I think I'm much happier as a result of that, since I am now free to make my own decisions. I think you need you to trust yourself enough to make your own decisions. Regardless if they're right or wrong.
Nobody is perfect, everyone is going to misstep sometimes. But the important things is to have faith in yourself and your own abilities. Nobody can do that for you. 
Once you have that, you can make anything happen. The only person that is keeping you here is yourself.

I'm almost 23. If I look at everyone else my age, lots of people are getting married, having kids, purchasing their first homes, making bank at specific jobs, etc.
To compare, I never had a girlfriend. I've been asked out quite a few times, but a part of me always says no. So most people have a lot more emotional intelligence than I do. 
While most people have good paying jobs, I help operate a family owned business. The pay isn't the best, and I can only stand "hardcore gamers" for so long before I want to blow my brains out. 
But right now, I'm content on where I'm at. At the very least, it's stable work. You have to look at the positive of where you are, and then work with what you have. 
In the future, I hope to get a better paying job, and then invest in activities such as martial arts. I would also like to travel and see the world. I'm not going to stay where I'm at forever, and that helps me get through it. 

So I think the best things you can do is to start having confidence in your decision making. Then, maybe create some plans for the future and stick with them.
If you do that, nothing can stop you. You are the harbinger of change in your life. But that choice is ultimately up to you. Like I said, nobody can do that for you.


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## BroNerd (Nov 27, 2010)

ImpossibleHunt5 said:


> Honestly man, I can sympathize. It's not the best feeling when you think life is getting stagnant.
> But the key is to take the initiative. I felt useless staying at my parents, so I moved out when I was 20.
> To many, it wasn't the most logical decision I ever made. I was going to college, and I needed to save up money. But I decided to move out anyway.
> 
> ...


This is really good advice, thank you! I'm glad to see that you are happy with where you are in life.
2021 is the year that I think I can finally bring the changes to my life that I want to make.
The big thing with me is that I have to stop caring about what others think and do what I think is best for me. I know some decisions I want to make.
I know I will get strong opinions from some people in my life if I don't do what they think is best for me - but I have to be confident in my own decisions.
I can't look back but only forward.

Probably the biggest decision I'm going to have to make in the next couple of months is whether I hit the reset button in my own dating life.
Do I break up with the "nice Jewish girl" who everyone around me seems to love - including my family?


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## islandlight (Aug 13, 2013)

BroNerd said:


> The big thing with me is that I have to stop caring about what others think and do what I think is best for me.


From various things you've written here, yes, I think this is the case.

As for your dating life -- in my opinion, it should make YOU (and the person you want to be with) happy. I once knew a man who was getting married. He wasn't too thrilled about it, but said it would make a lot of people happy. He was an ordinary Anglo Canadian, and I couldn't believe he was doing such a thing.

But I'm no expert. My own relationship track record is pretty poor. Good luck going forward.


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## BroNerd (Nov 27, 2010)

I'm hoping this is the year I can finally get things on track. 
I'm turning 31 next week and am only getting older.

Holding on to a lot of hope and that I can get my life going somewhere.

1.) My career can really take off and I can be somewhere that I'm proud. Hoping for a promotion in August. I'm working as hard as I can to get there. I'm grateful for the move I made last year. I'm at a much larger firm and have more opportunities than I would have gotten at my old firm. I just hope that I can do well enough to move up at my company. I feel behind as it is. 

2.) I was on my own for four years of college. But I've been stuck at home the past ten years and am finally moving out in three weeks. I saved a lot of money but I feel like I wasted a lot of my 20s and haven't really had a chance to experience life the way I wanted to do so. Especially with the influence of my mom, I love her but she's a standard ESTJ - let me just put it that way. 

3.) I have to make a big decision soon on my girlfriend. She's been great to me. She really has. But I just don't feel attracted to her in that way even though she makes great company. I'm trying a few things and am hoping once I'm my own that some things will get better. That's honestly why I'm not breaking up with her now. I'll see where things go over time. I just think that the two of us are too different. I know some differences are good - but there are some pretty big differences between us and what we value.

When I was younger, I was a rising star but a few mistakes here and there veered me off and I've been paying the price for years. I just want to get back on track.


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

Good. Control what you can like your living conditions and relationship, and sit tight for a few months for your promotion, which is out of your control.


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## BroNerd (Nov 27, 2010)

17041704 said:


> 30 is a bit too early to declare winners and losers
> sometimes slow is smooth and smooth is fast (so they say)
> is it wise to make so many big decisions in such a short period of time?
> it does not seem to be the case there are crises looming on the horizon right now so why the urgency?
> ...


I guess I feel like now that my age starts with a 3 that I should be on track with everything. Growing up, I was always on the accelerated track academically. I know that there are a lot of things for which I can count my blessings. I guess I can be happy if I just set goals in stages rather than needing everything to happen at the same time. Honestly, I've been excited about the move and finally getting my own place that I have put some of my other concerns on the wayside for now. I got encouraging feedback at work - no guarantees, but sounds like I'm on track for what I want. And I still have time to figure out things with my girlfriend too and I won't be too old if I'm back on the dating scene at 31.5.


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## 17041704 (May 28, 2020)

BroNerd said:


> I guess I feel like now that my age starts with a 3 that I should be on track with everything. Growing up, I was always on the accelerated track academically. I know that there are a lot of things for which I can count my blessings. I guess I can be happy if I just set goals in stages rather than needing everything to happen at the same time. Honestly, I've been excited about the move and finally getting my own place that I have put some of my other concerns on the wayside for now. I got encouraging feedback at work - no guarantees, but sounds like I'm on track for what I want. And I still have time to figure out things with my girlfriend too and I won't be too old if I'm back on the dating scene at 31.5.


gd to know
i used to have the same idea planted in my head in my twenties
we are supposed to have everything ready and in place by 30
but life seems to be telling us different stories lol


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## BroNerd (Nov 27, 2010)

17041704 said:


> gd to know
> i used to have the same idea planted in my head in my twenties
> we are supposed to have everything ready and in place by 30
> but life seems to be telling us different stories lol


Agreed, I grew up thinking I would have everything settled by the time I was 30. But I'm not even close to that point yet. This song has been on my mind lately when I think about where my life could go.
(2) Katy Perry - Firework (Lyrics) - YouTube


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## BroNerd (Nov 27, 2010)

Something else that has been on my mind regarding my relationship with my girlfriend. For personal reasons, I've decided that I'm going to see if I can make things work with my girlfriend for a few months. I'm moving into a new house and will see if that can improve things. I'm trying whatever I can to see if I can be attracted to her sexually - if I can't, the relationship is done. However, if she can pass the "sexy test", what other things should I look for to see if I want her to stick around long-term?


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## blueberry22 (May 11, 2018)

People who are successful learn to optimize and use tools. Learn to associate and ask help from people whose strengths are your weaknesses, it increases your value and allows you to focus. Let the girl go and start searching for your perfect partner. Message me if you ever need to vent


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## BroNerd (Nov 27, 2010)

blueberry22 said:


> People who are successful learn to optimize and use tools. Learn to associate and ask help from people whose strengths are your weaknesses, it increases your value and allows you to focus. Let the girl go and start searching for your perfect partner. Message me if you ever need to vent


Thanks for the advice. I can think of a few areas where I can really work on developing strengths. I know I want to work on my abs but I am lazy in a physical sense. That might even help me find the perfect partner for me - I know looks aren't everything but I know that having a good body makes for a strong first impression. My current girlfriend accepts me unconditionally but the problem is that I'm not feeling attracted to her right now and it has caused problems. Thanks for the offer by the way, I'll take you up on that next time I hit a down point in my life.


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## BroNerd (Nov 27, 2010)

My girlfriend and I broke up today. I feel a mixture of sadness and relief.
Don't want to go into more details here but I'm happy to talk about it via PM.


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## dulcinea (Aug 22, 2011)

Most break-ups result in some sadness. There's always some attachment that comes with spending a lot of time with someone, even if you don't have deeper feelings for them, but if there's any level of relief, you know it was the right call.


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## shameless (Apr 21, 2014)

I think you just need to recognize nothing is permanent. 

I just think of how many times my life has changed for good and bad back and forth even since I was 30, (I’m turning 38). 

I will say I’ve noticed my step dad who is ENTP seems to have this ridiculous need to out do or out prove people from like high school college that seems rooted with some sort of status quo IQ thing.

So I guess my thought is maybe less focus on how other people passed you up who are less than you academically. 

Embrace your strengths. Be proud of your home purchase achievement.

Um probably end the relationship that you’re just going along with. That could have a lot to do with where you’re at emotionally. 

I’d say measure your happiness rather than comparing yourself to other people’s success. And look at/examine what will make you happy and fulfilled. I believe success follows then. Because success is intertwined with creating your own happiness (at least to me). More so than an actual measuring stick. 

Almost all of my friends make more than me. They seem very obsessed with measuring income. I think they are silly. Some of them have down right horrible jobs in terms of quality of life. I’m using myself with this. Because I actually do care and I’m very proactive in my work and resume. But I work in health and human service. So income is not a measuring stick and foundation. I care way more about results and resume/skills. I have an extremely great resume for the long haul. 

If you’re basing off of physical things like peoples shit. Well again just because people have nice things doesn’t mean shit. Most of my friends again have a lot nicer things than me. But I own my belongings. I have financial freedom. I will be free in terms of expansion etc. (those things are important to me personally). I can go eat when I want where I want, because all my money is not tied up in things I couldn’t wait to own. 

The point was focus on what will make YOU happy. Not what other people have and are doing!


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## Handsome Dyke (Oct 4, 2012)

You can change the way you think.


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