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## knght990 (Jul 28, 2009)

Letter to my best friend.

You weren't here but there were things i wanted to talk about, so i figured i'd just message you.
Now that im getting over all that old emotional stuff and some of the things i've been reading about personality types (normal abnormal behaviors) I see with even greater clarity just how bad (dysfunctional) i've been.
Though i am changing. First with little things, like going to the gym and starting to read again. The more i change these things, the greater the desire to change bigger things.
I've been searching for the words to try and describe what i've been feeling. It's like coming home after a long trip and suddenly remembering you left the house in a terrible mess. You know that your going to have to clean it sooner or later.
So, yesterday and tonight, ive been asking myself, what do i want? Though i know the answer before i ask the question, its an exercise to see if my current life is even a desire of mine.
I wrote down a list of things i want, some small some big and i've started to prioritize them in an effort to help me focus on where i want to go and who i want to be.
I know years ago when you asked me to be smart, you meant you want me to be independent and happy and achieve my dreams. 
Most of these things will take time.
I tried starting a new book, then reading a book i had already started, then watching tv, and each time i turned it off or put it away promptly. I feel that its a waste of time. That i need to spend all my energy on just moving forward and not allowing myself to wallow in purgatory any longer.
I fear that i will end up obsessing over my career and financial progress and forget that what i desire most is a family. But as badly as i want to date, i find that i am in no way an acceptable mate.

Do i make sense? 

Always, Susan


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