# red flags, turn offs and incompatibilities for a potential partner



## ENFPathetic (Apr 3, 2018)

Allostasis said:


> Not really. If anything, it is anti-Ne since it is looking at things as they are, rather than on common patterns/relationships among them.


It's textbook Ne. He's more interested in keeping his mind open to future patterns than he is in using already gleamed patterns to get what he wants. This topic requires the use of Ni and would naturally be an off putting exercise to Ne doms.


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## Allostasis (Feb 2, 2021)

ENFPathetic said:


> It's textbook Ne. He's more interested in keeping his mind open to future patterns than he is in using already gleamed patterns to get what he wants. This topic requires the use of Ni and would naturally be an off putting exercise to Ne doms.


I think you may be adding too much from yourself into what he said.
I considered only his specific isolated statements without assuming what he thought or looked for and tried to match them against the character of Ne process.
There was nothing about "future patterns", only that everything is new/unique, no similarities/trends.


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## Electra (Oct 24, 2014)

ENFPathetic said:


> It's textbook Ne. He's more interested in keeping his mind open to future patterns than he is in using already gleamed patterns to get what he wants. This topic requires the use of Ni and would naturally be an off putting exercise to Ne doms.


I don't find it off-putting at all. Except I don't like to talk about my x'es. I can't really see why you think so. The theory seems wrong to me somehow. It could make sense in theory but it just doesn't work like that in real life for whatever reason.


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## ENFPathetic (Apr 3, 2018)

Allostasis said:


> I think you may be adding too much from yourself into what he said.
> I considered only his specific isolated statements without assuming what he thought or looked for and tried to match them against the character of Ne process.
> There was nothing about "future patterns", only that everything is new/unique, no similarities/trends.


You could be right, but the same would apply to you. With only words to go by, much has to be assumed. Anyway, I'll break down my thought process beneath each comment.



tanstaafl28 said:


> I don't make a list of criteria ahead of time either way. *I'll know it when I see it*.


His second sentence tells me he makes judgements on his experiences and knows how he feels about them. His first sentence tells me that he is unwilling to let his judgements of prior experiences influence his future experiences. So far this is consistent with Ne.



tanstaafl28 said:


> What would ultimately be "red flags" in my previous relationships were unique to that relationship. Each person is unique. Each relationship is unique (I suppose this is just my Ne talking).


I believe this comment confirms my understanding. The "red flags"(judgements) in my previous relationship(past experiences) were unique to that relationship(they belong only to the past). Each person is unique(every new experience is unlike the previous). Each relationship is unique(every new experience is unlike the previous).

The repetition of that last sentiment makes me think he really doesn't want his future experiences to be tainted by judgements that belong in the past.


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## Allostasis (Feb 2, 2021)

ENFPathetic said:


> You could be right, but the same would apply to you. With only words to go by, much has to be assumed. Anyway, I'll break down my thought process beneath each comment.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Yeah, I get that. I think we are evaluating the same material but from different angles, so there is no disagreement.
I took the last quoted post by you and ignored everything else, as the focus was on "talking" and evaluating text as "function speech".
I didn't question the actual type or processes behind the speech.


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## ENFPathetic (Apr 3, 2018)

Allostasis said:


> Yeah, I get that. I think we are evaluating the same material but from different angles, so there is no disagreement.
> I took the last quoted post by you and ignored everything else, as the focus was on "talking" and evaluating text as "function speech".
> I didn't question the actual type or processes behind the speech.


Fair enough.


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## ENFPathetic (Apr 3, 2018)

Electra said:


> I don't find it off-putting at all. Except I don't like to talk about my x'es. I can't really see why you think so. The theory seems wrong to me somehow. It could make sense in theory but it just doesn't work like that in real life for whatever reason.


I'm basing this off of what I've been told by Ne doms about how they think. I could have misunderstood, or I maybe miscommunicating. Also, my Ne friends could be mistyping themselves. They could also be outliers. Take it with a pinch of salt.


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## ENFPathetic (Apr 3, 2018)

In terms of appearance, I don't mind a disorganised look, but a sense of aesthetic has to exist. She has to be clean and smell good. This is beyond a deal breaker. I don't like tattoos and piercings. Not necessarily a deal breaker but a definite turn off.

In terms of attitude, I don't like pessimism. It would take being really really amazing in every other department for me to overlook this one. Usually a deal breaker. I also don't like people who assume the worst in others. It's a turn off, but I can appreciate it as long there is some logic to it so it's not a deal breaker and doesn't always stay a turn off.
Women who are obsessed with independence are a massive red flag.

I don't like argumentative women or women who unnecessarily complicate everything. I like competitive people, but I don't like a competing partner. I do my competing outside. I want peace and comfort in the home. I could go on forever, but all of them would be things that can be hashed out. Unless of course the person is too stubborn to cooperate and communicate. That's probably the single biggest deal breaker.


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## Electra (Oct 24, 2014)

Oh ye, bad smell and bad teeth hygiene is a turn off.


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## Squirt (Jun 2, 2017)

Electra said:


> Oh ye, bad smell and bad teeth hygiene is a turn off.


But perhaps @tanstaafl28 could be convinced.


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## Electra (Oct 24, 2014)

Squirt said:


> But perhaps @tanstaafl28 could be convinced.


Huh?


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## BenevolentBitterBleeding (Mar 16, 2015)

> No matter how small or absurd it sounds.
> What do you look for when you meet a person to check if there is compatibility?


Must find them attractive in some way. Like, they may not necessarily be the best looking, but 'something' about them must draw me in. Maybe they carry themselves well or maybe they carry themselves meekly. It's hard to define, because it's one of those things where it seems like a lot of boxes are checked when you encounter it. A vibe. Or aura. I guess that's why it's said that body language accounts for a lot of communication, like a picture says a number of words or something. Though, that's not really compatibility since it's all still one sided.

If we're just talking about something 'real'? It's probably as simple and obvious as having an ability to comprehend and accept one another; whether it be their overall cognition and/or getting a feel for the person due to life's 'toll' or something. But at that point, it'd already be considered bonding so yea... obvious.



> What things you can't tolerate or will make you doubt about moving forward for something with that person (sex, relationship)?


One thing for sure where I know I wouldn't be compatible as a partner - and it's very cliché - is if they say inappropriate things often. Like, this person I worked with would give me tips on things, and every no and again when explaining, would insert that it was because of Jews, or that something was managed by Jews, and the Jews! And I'm thinking cringing like, oic, yea that's kind of true, but...

It's the way and context things were being said I guess. I don't want to always have this thought in the back of my head second guessing a person's 'essence' or some shit lol. In cases like that, I know that I could maybe accept you as a 'friend' or acquaintence because you have your thoughts/beliefs, even if I don't share them fully. It's just that we will never be together from my point of view. Maybe it has to do with being able to respect who a person _really_ is.

In a relationship? Well, having lived with a partner - and as well with roommates - for many years, I definitely would not be happy in a relationship with someone that weren't able to take basic care of themselves and their surroundings. It's too aggravating and one of those silent kind of killers.

I can relate a lot with the thoughts from this standup bit(so any potential prospects: keep in mind how crazy <3):


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

Squirt said:


> But perhaps @tanstaafl28 could be convinced.


You have me there. I'm not sure I'd be good with a skank. 


* *




Can a long shower be considered foreplay?


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## Squirt (Jun 2, 2017)

tanstaafl28 said:


> You have me there. I'm not sure I'd be good with a skank.







Sorry, I just thought of this scene.


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## Flabarac Brupip (May 9, 2020)

Allostasis said:


> Having a large list of requirements is definitely a turn-off.


I agree.


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## Electra (Oct 24, 2014)

Incelling is a huuuge turn off tbh


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## Flabarac Brupip (May 9, 2020)

I honestly wouldn't know how to make a list of red flags. I have little experience. But I'm not desperate. I think I'd just play by feel and take in info as I go and decide from it.


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

Electra said:


> Incelling is a huuuge turn off tbh


Vocelling is a big turn on though.


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## Electra (Oct 24, 2014)

Grandmaster Yoda said:


> Vocelling is a big turn on though.


I Googled it.

Really?! 🤔
Well if that floats your boat 😃
I've never really been on that buss my self so hard to say 😅


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

Electra said:


> I Googled it.
> 
> Really?! 🤔
> Well if that floats your boat 😃
> ...


Buses are good for raising and transporting kids.


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## Electra (Oct 24, 2014)

Grandmaster Yoda said:


> Buses are good for raising and transporting kids.


✓ Ding! One point for you 🏆


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

Squirt said:


> Sorry, I just thought of this scene.


Did you reply before or after I added the spoiler?


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## Squirt (Jun 2, 2017)

tanstaafl28 said:


> Did you reply before or after I added the spoiler?


Before.

Things might get pruney. If that’s not a deal-breaker for anyone.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

Squirt said:


> Before.
> 
> Things might get pruney. If that’s not a deal-breaker for anyone.


But...scrubbing bubbles?


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## Squirt (Jun 2, 2017)

tanstaafl28 said:


> But...scrubbing bubbles?












oh no. 😂


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## Worriedfunction (Jun 2, 2011)

Even though I'm probably one of the least attractive people on the planet in terms of personality, as well as a big hypocrite at times, I do have a main issue when it comes to compatibility.

Basically I just don't like zero-sum thinking that involves turning every aspect of life into a game of winners or lovers. There's nothing wrong with ambition and success, but if a person's relationship and approach to those things is dangerous and immoral it leaves me feeling cold.

Alongside that I dislike people who dehumanise other people, who dismiss any way of life they don't see the point in or cannot understand. Particularly if the person has not done anything to warrant such a view.

And this isn't about what people think, it's about how people behave based on what they think and their actions towards others because of this.
Worst of all if they have zero self awareness about it; casual cruelty can be a pervasive problem.


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## DOGSOUP (Jan 29, 2016)

impulsenine said:


> Yeah, that's why I said it's just a red flag and not a deal breaker. Because solutions can be found. You found one.
> 
> I don't mind dishes in the dishwasher. I just want to have free access to the sink for cases like: I bite your ass too hard in the kitchen (don't ask why) until blood pops out and I have to clean the wound, I need fast access to a water source without putting my hand in cream cheese and polenta leftovers, in order to not make a total mess.


 you could limit all the biting action to the bathroom


> Anyway, I really enjoy doing the dishes. It's not about you postponing that. It's about occupying my sink when maybe I want to have access to it. I have had serious arguments in the past on this subject.


I gotchu, we had a 2-part sink and I would always leave my plates and mugs on one side so the other side could still be used... I thought this was logical but it never occurred to anyone else to do this (and get this, at the time _I_ was the one who did the dishes most often... soon we had a disaster in our hands, and not just polenta).


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## jetser (Jan 6, 2016)

A woman not being literate enough is a turn-off to me so I've learned.
I'm not good with writings and poems and such things and I need the girl to be more knowledgable about these things than I am.


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## DOGSOUP (Jan 29, 2016)

jetser said:


> A woman not being literate enough is a turn-off to me so I've learned.
> I'm not good with writings and poems and such things and I need the girl to be more knowledgable about these things than I am.


Do you need to win at trivial pursuit or what?


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## jetser (Jan 6, 2016)

DOGSOUP said:


> Do you need to win at trivial pursuit or what?


Nah, I just need some things I can appreciate in my partner.
And the more different these things are the better.


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## Flabarac Brupip (May 9, 2020)

Well okay, one thing for now. I don't want a woman who identifies as Christian probably. Or Muslim for that matter. 

Oh, another thing. I don't want a woman who fears for her safety every time I get a little miffed. I can't handle that.


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## impulsenine (Oct 18, 2020)

DOGSOUP said:


> you could limit all the biting action to the bathroom


I don't like to limit myself. In the bathroom, I'm biting elsewhere.
Plus you don't tell me what to do.
If I did it in the bathroom, how could I argue with you for the immensity of the sin of postponing the washing of dishes?



DOGSOUP said:


> I gotchu, we had a 2-part sink and I would always leave my plates and mugs on one side so the other side could still be used... I thought this was logical but it never occurred to anyone else to do this (and get this, at the time _I_ was the one who did the dishes most often... soon we had a disaster in our hands, and not just polenta).


I knew you were going to say that.
So I already had the argument prepared last night: there can be 5 parts, I don't like simple things left unfinished, I wonder in what other areas of life do you have this attitude?
Plus it's about the fact that it doesn't look aesthetic. And it's also about dishes that haven't been washed for a long time ... are harder to clean (takes more time + dish soap).
No no no. 🤫

See that I have arguments ready for the 3 most popular things you could say now. If you're behaving nicely, I won't use them.

But I will use something else instead.


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## explodokills (Nov 10, 2017)

Lack of self-awareness
Poor academic abilities 
Mean-spirited
Low confidence
Doesn’t care about their future and dreams
Poor presentation and lack of grooming
Unable to vibe together


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## Squirt (Jun 2, 2017)

Worriedfunction said:


> Even though I'm probably one of the least attractive people on the planet in terms of personality,


I understand you are qualifying your statements by saying this, but still…

From what I’ve seen on this forum, I cannot fathom how this could be true. You are quite charming and thoughtful.


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## Lunacik (Apr 19, 2014)

Hates cats.


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## DOGSOUP (Jan 29, 2016)

impulsenine said:


> I don't like to limit myself. In the bathroom, I'm biting elsewhere.
> Plus you don't tell me what to do.
> If I did it in the bathroom, how could I argue with you for the immensity of the sin of postponing the washing of dishes?


You couldn't! That was the idea!


> I knew you were going to say that.
> So I already had the argument prepared last night: there can be 5 parts, I don't like simple things left unfinished, I wonder in what other areas of life do you have this attitude?


Most other things get boring after a while
See, it was not meant to be


> See that I have arguments ready for the 3 most popular things you could say now. If you're behaving nicely, I won't use them.
> 
> But I will use something else instead.


I can think of several things you'd be using, can you specify which one?


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## Fru2 (Aug 21, 2018)

Has control issues
Can't live with a stronger figure due to personal insecurities
Has penis envy
Needs to always be right and can't handle being wrong
Has phobia of going out, isn't outgoing and needs to prepare a whole day mentally before stepping out of the house for a simple walk
Keeps account of everything and has to always even things out for the sake of 'equality'
Disregards what I have to say, can't handle criticism


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## Clare_Bare (Apr 6, 2015)

impulsenine said:


> What do you look for when you meet a person to check if there is compatibility?


Rigidity!
If they are a person who is inflexible or requires you to adhere to their plans, etc.
A definate 'no deal' for me!

(Cue: SJ's ...)


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## attic (May 20, 2012)

this thread made me think of this old classic song, which only few here can understand... but have to post, because it felt fitting:




part of the lyrics goes something like "you are so damn fine and nice and girl of my dreams, but I could never be with you, because you are moderat (conservative, capitalist neoliberal party-voter) You are the prettiest I've seen and like the right music, you have sick fun humour and fantastic fuck technique you write drama and read quantum mechanics, ok thanks bye, next girl, because you're moderat! moderat!"

I have not been looking for a partner for over a decade as I have one, so I don't know what my list would be exactly if that had not been the case... but I feel pretty sure incompatible values would be hard to overcome. Not smaller things, no need to agree on everything, but some things would be very difficult I think. I could be friends with a moderat, but attraction? not very likely, even less so for the far right (nationalist/xenophobic conservative etc.)

Violence of course, and as early warning not being in control of anger, especially physically, but there is a kind of... when people's eyes go a bit wild? and you know they are not in control.

I have noticed physically, that some smells are making me feel very unattracted (less than not attracted, not really disgusted, but strongly repelled), it needn't be bad hygiene, just that something about that person's personal smell. I think that is interesting, and wish I knew what it was, if they smelled like sickness subtly? genetic incompatibility?

Too much feigned emotion too probably? I am fine with hiding emotion (that is what I do, so I get that kind of pretend), but not pretending lots of ones that are not there. It makes me uncomfortable and I start second guess everything.

(edit: remembered now why that song popped up, the other singer in the band, not the one in this song, was on the radio yesterday and talked about love and how "like kids play the best" among other things... I think he might have taken it a little too far, I think differences can also be good, but I believe more in that than opposites attract, even if it is likely a little of both.)


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## Eu_citzen (Jan 18, 2018)

Speaking in terms of long-term relationships, I'd say the following:

Turn-offs:
- Too Untidy (not looked after house chores)


Red Flags:

Any kind of drugs (alcohol/cigarettes are okay in moderation)
"hinting", thinking I'll try to read their mind. Just f'in say it.
Emotionally reactive (no interest in drama)
Doesn't get my humor
Too low, or too high energy levels (I prefer someone slightly lower in energy levels)
Manipulation of any kind
Lack of self-awareness
Too low intellect

Deal-breakers:

Can't discuss and communicate clearly, solve problems (in the relationship or otherwise)
Sexual incompatibility
No goals or ambitions in life
Unreliable; as partners I must know she has my back, and I have hers.
Push-And-Pull dynamics
Doesn't initiate things (can be sex, or talks, whatever)
Long-Distance relationships
Not physically attractive


That's what I can think off right now.


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## jetser (Jan 6, 2016)

Eu_citzen said:


> "hinting", thinking I'll try to read their mind. Just f'in say it.


Oh yeah, that. Girls still do that. I hate that too.


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## blossomier (Jul 24, 2020)

Turn-offs:

1. Weird sense of humour (when our type of humour doesn't match)
2. Low sex drive
3. Low confidence
4. No ambition
5. Doesn't flirt
6. Can't have a balanced quality time with me, his friends, his family etc
7. Mixed messages
8. Bad grammar


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## Eu_citzen (Jan 18, 2018)

blossomier said:


> 5. Doesn't flirt
> 6. Can't have a balanced quality time with me, his friends, his family etc


Those two are great. It's especially sad when/if they stop flirting after entering a relationship, imho.
Why stop? It's endearing to see a couple of many years together, playfully flirting.


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## eeo (Aug 25, 2020)

It would be interesting to hear how much people making lists here have adhered to them in their relationships. Or if they see the list as something that could be negotiable under different circumstances.


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## impulsenine (Oct 18, 2020)

DOGSOUP said:


> See, it was not meant to be


😢😭


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## impulsenine (Oct 18, 2020)

eeo said:


> It would be interesting to hear how much people making lists here have adhered to them in their relationships. Or if they see the list as something that could be negotiable under different circumstances.


For me, list is negotiable only for casual relationships or hook ups.
I had everything I listed, in the past, so I am not willing to lower the stake for a serious relationship because it doesn't worth it. It would mean downgrade, not interested in that.

Future < Past isn't a valid axiome in my Universe.


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## Eu_citzen (Jan 18, 2018)

eeo said:


> It would be interesting to hear how much people making lists here have adhered to them in their relationships. Or if they see the list as something that could be negotiable under different circumstances.


I haven't adhered to them in past relationships; many of the _deal-breakers_ have been added as experience has been gained as for what works and doesn't work for me. As such, they are non-negotiable and they are applied as I learn new ones.

_Red flags_ _can _be negotiable under some circumstances; but too many are a dis-qualifier, too

_Turn-offs_ can be more freely negotiated.


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## blossomier (Jul 24, 2020)

Eu_citzen said:


> Those two are great. It's especially sad when/if they stop flirting after entering a relationship, imho.
> Why stop? It's endearing to see a couple of many years together, playfully flirting.


Ikr. I didn't feel appreciated when I was in a relationship with my ex-boyfriend. He didn't flirt. Flirting is great, it makes the spark alive and when both of you can vibe together it's awesome. It's fun and it makes you feel light.

Balancing their time is essential; I don't want someone too clingy nor aloof. They have to even things out.


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## Eu_citzen (Jan 18, 2018)

blossomier said:


> Ikr. I didn't feel appreciated when I was in a relationship with my ex-boyfriend. He didn't flirt. Flirting is great, it makes the spark alive and when both of you can vibe together it's awesome. It's fun and it makes you feel light.
> 
> Balancing their time is essential; I don't want someone too clingy nor aloof. They have to even things out.


Yeah, one of my exes was like that too. Things just slipped into routine and the "spark" was lost.
Kinda just feels like things slip into oblivion in an agonizingly slow manner.
Flirting keeps things fresh; same with playful teasing!


I feel you on balancing time. I wouldn't want someone who's attached to me by the hip either.
I have hobbies, friends and expect an SO to have theirs, too. Balance is key.


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## Squirt (Jun 2, 2017)

Fru2 said:


> Keeps account of everything and has to always even things out for the sake of 'equality'


I put this one under the "controlling" category.

In middle school, I had a friend would would keep account of any amount of borrowed money. I borrowed a nickel from her once to get a piece of candy since I didn't have enough change on me at the time, and she was after me every day until I "paid her back". I mean... I'm good for a nickel, surely. 

A friendship not made to last.


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## Fru2 (Aug 21, 2018)

@Squirt I'm wonderin what goes on in their head at the moment of asking you to return a penny? Because I'd only do it if I think to myself "I'm not planning on seeing this person ever again" and I wouldn't bother with anything close to a penny, that's awfully petty. 
Perhaps they don't think at all about the implications of their choices, in which case, good riddance.


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## daleks_exterminate (Jul 22, 2013)

Allostasis said:


> Having a large list of requirements is definitely a turn-off.












But also.....









I have a long list of deal breakers. Because of things that have happened. 

Like.... Don't ask me if I have daddy issues, then say "we can work around that" when I say "not really. I call my dad weekly." Lmfo no


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## impulsenine (Oct 18, 2020)

If she doesn't know how to orient herself in space (and especially time) and I, who go to that place for the first time, manage to do 3x better than her in terms of orientation, while she has been there 10 times already, big red flag.

If she drinks a bottle of vodka alone on the first day of her period, red flag. If she shares it, I'm thinking about it.

If she runs a business or more or volunteers and advertise it a lot in such a way that it gives you the feeling that she is very interested in status rather than results, red flag.


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## impulsenine (Oct 18, 2020)

If her favorite shoes are sneakers or something similar (worse, Converse), red flag.


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## daleks_exterminate (Jul 22, 2013)

impulsenine said:


> If she is disorganized in the sense that she has unwashed dishes in the sink (one of the most annoying thing someone can do in the kitchen), little or no food in the house or lacks essential things (such as running out of toilet paper) is a red flag. The cause of these things must be investigated and whether it can be eradicated or not.



Haha 

I am like this. For me, it's a 99th percentile ADHD diagnosis. I am not for everyone, that's fair 🤣.


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## daleks_exterminate (Jul 22, 2013)

-does not acknowledge when wrong/hurtful/deflects/passes blame

-holds grudges/passive aggressive

-super negative world view OR overly upbeat (no one is allowed to have a bad day, etc)

-doesn't listen and makes weird assumptions. 

One of my tops is doesn't get my humour, or think funny things are funny. Exhibit A, funny:














-can't laugh

-takes themselves too seriously

-prone to anger

-bossy/demanding/controlling

-cant entertain themselves

-looks to roles instead of just being actual people who evolve and grow together. Roles get boring, but people don't sure "great boyfriend" "perfect girlfriend", I'm gonna lose that dopamine hit and forget you exist, or stop giving a shit. Actual humans who have interests and hobbies don't usually get as boring.

-plays stupid games to win stupid prizes. I've had someone try to "use dread" (I'm not sure it it was intentional, or not, but when I told someone later about the relationship he said that's what it sounded like.)p Apparently, it's "supposed" to make women be clingy and dependant on the dude (according to those that say to do it anyway) it actually has made me like that once. I got stupid, clingy, and worried all the time... Like "omg he talks to internet models, is he cheating on me? Does he want to?!" Then realized I had actually spent way too much time being invested in that relationship, we weren't compatible, and I broke it off. I'm not sure why anyone would stay in a situation where they felt insecure/uncomfortable for a long time (unless worn down through abuse or something) but I don't think it's ever going to be worth it.

-if we argue too much, but not in a fun way. Banter = fun. Actual emotional fights a lot =exhausting and not worth it.

-overly weird sexual kinks (in my opinion). Like, if you're into furry shit, sorry but that's not for me. Like, I'm not judging someone needing to be punched in the face to come, but I'm not interested in that each time. If they need to be aggressive or see someone hurt absolutely no.

-"nice guys" i don't mean actually nice people. If you're my friend, that's great. What sucks though is when someone complained about being "friend zoned" (because they were acting very FRIENDLY to me, so i thought we were friends) but then got pissed if they caught feelings and I didn't. I didn't realize we weren't actually friends, but i was being viewed as some relationship/sex ATM that needed to get rid of autonomy bc they acted nice to me so i need to get on their dick??? I still don't fucking get this one. I wonder if it's a bit of the reverse of Disney Princess thing. Like, do boys often grow up being told they can have anything, do anything, and if they do what they're suppose to, they get what they want or something? Friends are great. People pretending to be friends to get something out of it later? Gross.

-does not respect boundaries or personal autonomy.


*Really, my red flags boil down to not respecting me (and also have a fucking sense of humor).*


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## Penny (Mar 24, 2016)

neck tattoos, they smell bad or reek of strong cologne, their place is a mess


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## Worriedfunction (Jun 2, 2011)

Squirt said:


> I understand you are qualifying your statements by saying this, but still…
> 
> From what I’ve seen on this forum, I cannot fathom how this could be true. You are quite charming and thoughtful.


That's a very generous and kind thing to say, and maybe for those outside looking in that might be what I look like. But you and others don't have to live with me on a day-to-day and/or intimate basis.

I think there's a floodgate of emotion that I don't want to burden other people with, I mean what did they ever do to deserve that? I feel a need to sort my shit out first before intimacy, and I'm not even halfway there yet.



daleks_exterminate said:


> -"nice guys" i don't mean actually nice people. If you're my friend, that's great. What sucks though is when someone complained about being "friend zoned" (because they were acting very FRIENDLY to me, so i thought we were friends) but then got pissed if they caught feelings and I didn't. I didn't realize we weren't actually friends, but i was being viewed as some relationship/sex ATM that needed to get rid of autonomy bc they acted nice to me so i need to get on their dick??? I still don't fucking get this one. I wonder if it's a bit of the reverse of Disney Princess thing. Like, do boys often grow up being told they can have anything, do anything, and if they do what they're suppose to, they get what they want or something? Friends are great. People pretending to be friends to get something out of it later? Gross.


I think there are several reasons for that type of thing. Firstly, I think most people are emotional cowards and don't like to expose themselves and be publicly rejected, so they tend to take a sneaky route to relationships, not saying it's the right thing to do, though.

And then I think with a lot of men they are told, and taught, that they are worthless, whether directly or indirectly (not implying that women aren't either). And this then produces people who go a number of different ways, most notably people who are insecure and believe the world (and by extension everything in it) owes them a favour or people who are still insecure but believe in their own self-sufficiency to the worst degree (and nearly anything in a person can become incredibly damaging if taken to an extreme degree). Those latter ones tend to be overcompensating aggressors who have to make sure they are 'winning' in every situation, and if anyone else fails it's their own fault regardless of context, but if they fail? It's everybody else's fault regardless of context. 

Although someone getting their ego propped up can also be a big problem, I just think it's actually less common.

This is just a pet theory built out of heuristics though and by no means any kind of in-depth analysis, there is an enormous amount of variables and information alongside this. So big bowl of salt and so on...


----------



## impulsenine (Oct 18, 2020)

Worriedfunction said:


> most people are emotional cowards and don't like to expose themselves and be publicly rejected, so they tend to take a sneaky route to relationships


Are these the people who promote the idea that "the lover is the friend you have sex with"?
Only an INxP could invent such great idiocy and other naive people promoted that further.


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## TypoNegatvie (Aug 6, 2015)

If I was in the market:

Looking down on people for reasons other than that persons active maliciousness/harmful actions and attitudes toward others (especially superficial apperance based judgement).

Social status focused.
Small-mindedness.

Prissiness.
Organisation is good, requiring constant planning, structure and fastidiousness to avoid being upset = bad.

At this stage in life, heavy alcohol or drug use.
Not having their shit somewhat together in regards to adulthood.

A dearth of life experience.

A desire to be lead/controlled rather than for her own independence (that is separate to enjoying love, support and commitment). Likewise not respecting/ encouraging my own independence.



impulsenine said:


> Are these the people who promote the idea that "the lover is the friend you have sex with"?
> Only an INxP could invent such great idiocy and other naive people promoted that further.


"Lover" is just a polite term for someone you're screwing. Could be a one night stand, friend, mistress or spouse - Other than being consensual and reciprocal, the nature and commitment level of the relationship is separate (IMO/E).


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## Lunacik (Apr 19, 2014)

Red flag:
_"I've already faced all of my demons"_

Lol facing your demons is an ongoing battle, you dont just do it once then done. You may as well be telling me "I faced my own faults once, but usually I don't." I've overlooked this sentence once and it ended up being accurate, he had issues admitting when wrong, etc. The next guy that said it--I turned him down (although there were more reasons than this--partly, he was not my type in the first place). Even I don't say this and I think I have had more to overcome than most due to the sheer level of abuse / neglect I've been through.


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## Lunacik (Apr 19, 2014)

@TypoNegatvie

EYYYY
T.O.N. as in the band? Peter Steele fan?


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## Fru2 (Aug 21, 2018)

*Red flag* - people that assume that everyone has issues and is mentally unstable just because they're personally swimming in a lot of them.
*Turn off* - people that don't even try to get rid of deadweight lables and instead wear them as badges of honour.
*Incompatibility* - people that dismiss a proven personality theory that is applicable to all streams of life and choose to instead fetishize their personal differences as some mental disorders.


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## Lunacik (Apr 19, 2014)

Fru2 said:


> *Red flag* - people that assume that everyone has issues and is mentally unstable just because they're personally swimming in a lot of them.


Everyone _does_ have issues though, no one is perfect or has perfect lives...although having issues / demons to face / etc. does not mean the same thing as being mentally unstable, so perhaps you meant something else here. "Issues" in a different / more specific context, perhaps?



> *Incompatibility *- people that dismiss a proven personality theory that is applicable to all streams of life


What personality _theory_ is _proven_?



> and choose to instead fetishize their personal differences as some mental disorders.


What is an example of this? Trying to understand what you mean here.


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## Fru2 (Aug 21, 2018)

Hexcoder said:


> What personality _theory_ is _proven_?


One that has been shown to be applicable to real life. If you're not able to prove a theory through discernment I don't think I can help you much with it. 


Hexcoder said:


> What is an example of this? Trying to understand what you mean here.


For example people that say they're on the autism spectrum yet function as just a regular IXTX, they're using the lable as a comfort barrier.
Or people that say they have ADHD but are just EXXP
People that say they're bipolar but are just Fi users
etc etc
Not saying these don't exist, but overdiagnosis has become a very popular phenomenon recently. Up until the 60s mental disorders were rarely heard of.


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## Fru2 (Aug 21, 2018)

You know how a child will often not care about something happening until they see the mother or others react to it as if it's a big deal? That's kind of what I'm talking about. 

_Icecream drops on the floor_
_kid just looks at it nonchalantly and even finds the way it fell down amusing_
_Mother returns_ "Oh no, the ice cream fell down, please don't cry everything will be okay, we'll get you a new one, okay?"
_kid starts crying_


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## SirCanSir (Mar 21, 2018)

Fru2 said:


> One that has been shown to be applicable to real life. If you're not able to prove a theory through discernment I don't think I can help you much with it.
> 
> For example people that say they're on the autism spectrum yet function as just a regular IXTX, they're using the lable as a comfort barrier.
> Or people that say they have ADHD but are just EXXP
> ...


Lmao, are you actually suggesting a typology label is a more accurate diagnosis than a mental disorder?


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## Lunacik (Apr 19, 2014)

Fru2 said:


> One that has been shown to be applicable to real life. If you're not able to prove a theory through discernment I don't think I can help you much with it.


What do you think of the fact that the majority of trained psychologists thoroughly discard MBTI?



> For example people that say they're on the autism spectrum yet function as just a regular IXTX, they're using the lable as a comfort barrier.
> Or people that say they have ADHD but are just EXXP
> People that say they're bipolar but are just Fi users
> etc etc


How do you tell that their diagnosis is inaccurate and it is actually just their functions when you observe these people? What stands out to you as setting them apart? If you could share a concrete example, that'd be helpful.



> Not saying these don't exist, but overdiagnosis has become a very popular phenomenon recently. Up until the 60s mental disorders were rarely heard of.


Personality theories were unheard of until Hippocrates in the middle ages, then Freud in 1856. MBTI was not even _started on_ until 1942.

Mental illnesses were heard of prior to these dates, they were just poorly understood and people were mistreated, even murdered for being ill; for instance, in 1692-1693, the mentally ill were "proven through discernment" to be witches, thus they were burned during the Salem witch trials. The same symptoms of mental illnesses that exist today have been around far longer than the first recorded personality theories. They just resulted in being brutally murdered rather than labelled things like "bipolar" or "autistic" (which is not a mental illness btw, it is a developmental disorder) and then treated.

It was not until the 1960's, when the deinstitutionalization movement took place in response to cruel and inhumane treatment of the mentally ill, that people became more educated and therefore stopped "proving through discernment" that the mentally ill were possessed by demons. Science and stigmatiation has since been improving, thus enabling more people to be 1) educated to the fact that their symptoms are symptoms, and 2) willing to admit (especially publicly) that these symptoms are present within them; prior to the 60's, to admit to mental illness was to be imprisoned against one's will and treated with cruelty, experimented on, flat out murdered, and things of that sort. I'm guessing it's not hard to "prove through discernment" that most people would not have been eager to expose their illnesses until the 60's, therefore.



Fru2 said:


> You know how a child will often not care about something happening until they see the mother or others react to it as if it's a big deal?


1) How do you discern, in your opinion, this from those who thought their terrible experiences were normal and then learned that not everyone is suffering like them? Or those who did not have a name for their experiences or a way to articulate them, but were still negatively affected?

2) How do you identify which people are these VS which are those who are "truly ill"?

3) Do you think this is the most common reason for a disorder to interfere with everyday living?

4) Why do you think someone would be motivated to do this? What benefit would be gained through such suffering?


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## Fru2 (Aug 21, 2018)

SirCanSir said:


> Lmao, are you actually suggesting a typology label is a more accurate diagnosis than a mental disorder?


Lmao, are you actually suggesting it's not?


Hexcoder said:


> What do you think of the fact that the majority of trained psychologists thoroughly discard MBTI?


They'd rather abide by Freudian psychology since it suits their interests - keeping their job needed and their income secure.


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## Lunacik (Apr 19, 2014)

Fru2 said:


> Lmao, are you actually suggesting it's not?
> 
> They'd rather abide by Freudian psychology since it suits their interests - keeping their job needed and their income secure.


No thoughts on the history lesson? No answers to the questions? I thought you were supposed to be good at proving things through discernment.


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## Lunacik (Apr 19, 2014)

Fru2 said:


> Lmao, are you actually suggesting it's not?


Neurological evidence proves this is the case, so why not?


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## Fru2 (Aug 21, 2018)

Hexcoder said:


> No thoughts on the history lesson? No answers to the questions? I thought you were supposed to be good at proving things through discernment.


You're taking my words out of context and are clearly taking this personally so I don't see a point in explaining myself. It's my opinion, get over it.


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## Lunacik (Apr 19, 2014)

When they get cornered by logic they always aim for the personal realm, whether it be a false accusation or something else. Very frequently, it's projection.


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## SirCanSir (Mar 21, 2018)

Fru2 said:


> Lmao, are you actually suggesting it's not?


Obviously.

First of all,

ExxPs being linked to ADHD behavior is memes / overgeneralization only because externally there may be perceived similarities. The cognitive process is different though. Being ExxP doesnt imply struggles with maintaining attention and mood / emotional dysregulation issues which ADHD is all about.

Fi users being linked to bipolar is something im struggling to find the connection to, but im guessing its based on them being "emotional" and sensitive? Not sure what you are talking about but the disorder is oversimplified that way regardless. Just another faulty external perception.

Secondly, what would be the benefit in someone using a disorder for their own comfort? Thats usually how typology is used where the labels dont carry stigmatization outside. A mental disorder 'label" implies you are socially dysfunctional in some way. Thats how disorders are defined by professionals. If someone uses something like that for attention i am assuming that indicates other issues, it shouldnt be something you see everyday. Especially with something as severe as bipolar, since you brought it up as an example here.


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## Lunacik (Apr 19, 2014)

@SirCanSir
They've already stated they don't care about science or history because it's their opinion. I doubt they will care about any other opposing logic, either. At least they have admitted that they would rather deny facts and stay in their opinions even if delusional, though.

Which btw, is an enormous red flag.


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## SirCanSir (Mar 21, 2018)

Hexcoder said:


> @SirCanSir
> They've already stated they don't care about science or history because it's their opinion. I doubt they will care about any other opposing logic, either. At least they have admitted that they would rather deny facts and stay in their opinions even if delusional, though.
> 
> Which btw, is an enormous red flag.


It seems like a typology bias to me, often found in people who take typology too seriously and have experienced annoyance because some deny their "true type". I have encountered that mindset before at least. It is something that id rather help clearing when i see it because those misconceptions lead to misunderstandings toxic to those who actually are struggling with disorders.



Fru2 said:


> Lmao, are you actually suggesting it's not?


Of course that depends on what he meant exactly by this here. Because i still havent seen him articulate it, he only passed your view as subjective and discarded it.


----------



## Lunacik (Apr 19, 2014)

SirCanSir said:


> It seems like a typology bias to me, often found in people who take typology too seriously and have experienced annoyance because some deny their "true type". I have encountered that mindset before at least. It is something that id rather help clearing when i see it because those misconceptions lead to misunderstandings toxic to those who actually are struggling with disorders.


Such is the nature of mankind when ego reigns the mind:
The psyche lies dormant, stagnant. It sees the sun, yet it will not absorb; it feels the water against its roots, yet it will not drink; it's cradled by the soil, yet it will have none of its comforts. It refuses all nutrients by which it may grow, because to accept such things is to admit to itself that it is feeble without them. Consequently, it withers and stunts its own growth in an attempt to protect the belief that it is strong.

What do you think is required for development?
My answer to that question: one can only receive when one is willing. Something has to come along and change the will--an experience, most often. Every now and then, something clicks though...so good luck.

It's almost always only the elderly that finally one day recognize that to face those kinds of truths, which expose their own inner demons, is really more like accepting the help of angels that set them free from their own chains. Prior to then, most people refuse to open their eyes to those truths, lest they then see the demons there within them at all. It's difficult though, because that obstacle in and of itself is an inner demon.

_"You're deceived by inner demons that were fed by your own hand. Shaded veils hide your perception, shooting nails into the head."—Soen_

That's exactly why I'm not offended when someone says things like, "people that assume that everyone has issues and is mentally unstable just because they're personally swimming in a lot of them = a red flag." It only reveals that they don't actually understand the concept of "facing your demons" because they aren't overcoming theirs. People often say more about themselves than anyone else when they speak about others.



Hexcoder said:


> Such is the nature of mankind when ego reigns the mind:
> The psyche lies dormant, stagnant. It sees the sun, yet it will not absorb; it feels the water against its roots, yet it will not drink; it's cradled by the soil, yet it will have none of its comforts. It refuses all nutrients by which it may grow, because to accept such things is to admit to itself that it is feeble without them. Consequently, it withers and stunts its own growth in an attempt to protect the belief that it is strong.


“Out of damp and gloomy days, out of solitude, out of loveless words directed at us, conclusions grow up in us like fungus: one morning they are there, we know not how, and they gaze upon us, morose and gray. Woe to the thinker who is not the gardener but only the soil of the plants that grow in him.” —Nietzsche


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## SirCanSir (Mar 21, 2018)

Hexcoder said:


> What do you think is required for development?
> My answer to that question: one can only receive when one is willing. Something has to come along and change the will--an experience, most often. Every now and then, something clicks though...so good luck.


I agree. I just think that sometimes, understanding their view and analyzing it with them helps with making them more willing. 
I think that mindset has helped me a lot to reach a mutual understanding with others before. But whether its worth it or not, depends on the amount of effort needed to get there. After a certain point i lose my patience and throw my hands in the air also. I dont bother trying to convince them again after that.


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## Fru2 (Aug 21, 2018)

Hexcoder said:


> When they get cornered by logic they always aim for the personal realm, whether it be a false accusation or something else. Very frequently, it's projection.


You're just not that interesting to talk to, tbh. Who asked for a debate? READ THE F#@KING THREAD TITLE. 
Talking of projection.
I'm not interested in proving my point, because who the hell are you? It's that simple.


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## Fru2 (Aug 21, 2018)

If I really cared I'd have answered your arguments and gone as far as picking into your other posts about your personal preferences showing you how you have a huge bias.

But I just don't care.


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## eeo (Aug 25, 2020)

Fru2 said:


> But I just don't care.


Good for you. Keep showing it! 💪


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## SirCanSir (Mar 21, 2018)

Bruh.


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## Lunacik (Apr 19, 2014)

Lmao


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## Lunacik (Apr 19, 2014)

Fru2 said:


> READ THE F#@KING THREAD TITLE.


Keep that in mind next time you drive by (mis)type someone in a narcissism awareness thread without saying a word about narcissism maybe, yeah? Haha


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## Lunacik (Apr 19, 2014)

Fru2 said:


> you have a huge bias.


Says the person who doesn't care about history or neurology because "it's my opinion so get over it" OK



Fru2 said:


> Talking of projection.


Btw, I was not saying you were projecting. Read my words. "People always X. Often it is Y." Does that say "Fru2loop was doing Y"? No. It does not. The one thing you replied to was the thing that was talking about human nature in general and not you specifically. Lol.


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## impulsenine (Oct 18, 2020)

I think you three should get a room to make war hard and art (in bed) love harder. 

It's easy to guess who'll be the first violin. 

What preferences do gentlemen have for thong color? 

I see that already someone volunteered (unquestioned) to hold the candle. 
I will be the piano in the background that maintains the atmosphere.

🎥


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## Lunacik (Apr 19, 2014)

impulsenine said:


> I think you three should get a room to make war hard and art (in bed) love harder.
> 
> It's easy to guess who'll be the first violin.
> 
> ...


Sorry honey, I don't get my sex toys from the trash. That means you can't come either.


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## impulsenine (Oct 18, 2020)

eeo said:


> Good for you. Keep showing it! 💪


Take a piece of paper and write:

"_Some people have way higher energy levels than me, so for them it is perfectly possible to care about someone much enough to show them the direction but they can care little enough not to hold their hand during the whole trip._"


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## DOGSOUP (Jan 29, 2016)

This thread finally becomes what it says on the tin


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## impulsenine (Oct 18, 2020)

Hexcoder said:


> Sorry honey, I don't get my sex toys from the trash. That means you can't come either.


Nobody cares about where do you get your sex toys. 

I only said that you have to take your sex toys and use them wherever you want, not to deviate this topic anymore with stupid lowclass arguments.


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## Lunacik (Apr 19, 2014)

impulsenine said:


> Nobody cares about where do you get your sex toys.
> 
> I only said that you have to take your sex toys and use them wherever you want, not to deviate this topic anymore with stupid lowclass arguments.


Right, sorry...thong color preference was much more on topic than asking someone about how they discern what they see as a red flag, you're right.


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## impulsenine (Oct 18, 2020)

Hexcoder said:


> Right, sorry...thong color preference was much more on topic than asking someone about how they discern what they see as a red flag, you're right.


Nobody has to explain to you why a red flag for them is a red flag. 

He was a fine boy anyway and he explained to you, it is just that explanations didn't satisfy you, that's your problem, it's not his. 
The reason I told you to take a room is because you have a lot in common and you need to know each other better. You have in common this strong desire to be emotionally satisfied with the arguments of others, both of you having it masked under a cover of "logical sense and rationality".

If you keep insisting after that, you're to blame for everything. 

All these "red flags, turn offs and incompatibilities" are personal things that can have a LOT of SENSE for that person and NO sense at all for others. 
You don't have to agree with the meaning given by other people, because that's not why they write them. But to reflect on the subject.


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## impulsenine (Oct 18, 2020)

3 professions that are big red flags for me: psychology, pedagogy and IT.

For one reason or another, the vast majority of women who enter such careers have character and personal flaws that I can rarely stand, and lifestyles totally incompatible with mine.

I have tons of friends (women) working in these fields (all different personalities, different ages, different takes on life) but I wouldn't enter a relationship with most of them or no one, actually.


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## Lunacik (Apr 19, 2014)

impulsenine said:


> Nobody has to explain to you why a red flag for them is a red flag.
> 
> He was a fine boy anyway and he explained to you, it is just that explanations didn't satisfy you, that's your problem, it's not his.
> The reason I told you to take a room is because you have a lot in common and you need to know each other better. You have in common this strong desire to be emotionally satisfied with the arguments of others, both of you having it masked under a cover of "logical sense and rationality".
> ...


Subjective opinion ignored.


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## eeo (Aug 25, 2020)

impulsenine said:


> Take a piece of paper and write:
> 
> "_Some people have way higher energy levels than me, so for them it is perfectly possible to care about someone much enough to show them the direction but they can care little enough not to hold their hand during the whole trip._"


Funny thing is, no direction was shown. Your assumptions are another funny thing.

But thanks for reminding me about consdescension as a red flag.


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## impulsenine (Oct 18, 2020)

eeo said:


> Funny thing is, no direction was shown. Your assumptions are another funny thing.


If you are unable to understand a simple message because you have an avid need to pass it through the filter of your own insecurities, it does not mean that the person did not offer a direction.

By the way, IMAGINE talking about assumptions while making an assumption on what others "care" about, LOL!



eeo said:


> But thanks for reminding me about consdescension as a red flag.


So let's see what we have here:
You getting into a discussion that has nothing to do with you, totally unquestioned and useless, to make a totally passive-aggressive remark for no reason and then you talk about "condescension" while making another passive-aggressive remark.
If you are interested in presenting your list of red flags, present it in a separate post, not during a discussion with someone else.

Before you say ANYTHING about (I know this would be the next thing you'd want to say, your brain can be completely mapped and replicated in less than 48 hours by 2 powerful AIs that would make your whole existence completely useless) "_well, you did the same thing_".

AFTER READING THIS YOUR BRAIN WOULD SAY "_So that guy just talks about passive-agressiveness and condemn me for being a total useless shit while already making an unnecessary attack?_" (yeah, you're that predictable) I SUGGEST YOU TO:

Take a look at who OP is.

OP is responsible for the order in the topic of discussion and can intervene at any time (if disturbed by the direction in which the topic goes) to restore order, if you see any problem in this, write it down on a piece of paper and put it where you like.

&&&

BACK ON TOPIC.


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## Fru2 (Aug 21, 2018)

RED FLAG - Takes a random person's personal preferences as a personal insult and proceeds to berate said person as if their life and dignity depends on it. 
Huge turn off as well as it reeks of insecurity and entitlement.


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## Allostasis (Feb 2, 2021)

impulsenine said:


> If you are unable to understand a simple message because you have an avid need to pass it through the filter of your own insecurities, it does not mean that the person did not offer a direction.
> 
> By the way, IMAGINE talking about assumptions while making an assumption on what others "care" about, LOL!
> 
> ...


Being an OP doesn't entitle you to be an asshole, though.
In fact, it only serves to deviate from the topic even more as 99% of your posts are entirely unnecessary and only provoke more drama.


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## Lunacik (Apr 19, 2014)

Fru2 said:


> reeks of insecurity and entitlement.


ahh--_now_ you are getting into the projection.

You two are clowns. Peace.


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## SirCanSir (Mar 21, 2018)

impulsenine said:


> If you are unable to understand a simple message because you have an avid need to pass it through the filter of your own insecurities, it does not mean that the person did not offer a direction.
> 
> By the way, IMAGINE talking about assumptions while making an assumption on what others "care" about, LOL!
> 
> ...


Your intervention to get back on topic was reasonable, but you dont seem capable to stay on it yourself. I dont think you have the right to lecture others about their "direction" when you keep missing it in your attempts to make smartass remarks.


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## eeo (Aug 25, 2020)

impulsenine said:


> By the way, IMAGINE talking about assumptions while making an assumption on what others "care" about, LOL!


There's no need to make any assumptions when Fru making an extra effort to emphasize how much they don't care about something, and you assuming things without ever bothering to find out if your assumptions are correct in the first place are plainly written in this thread, lol. Both of these reactions can be turn offs, so they've been nice examples to add to the list. Everything has a reason.


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## littlewyng (Sep 17, 2020)

OK so I realize that since I first thought through what I was going to post here a few days back it has gone off the rails, but I'm going to ignore the drama and continue anyway. 🤣 

I think it's important to have a list like this, and here's why. It's goal setting strategy. If I tell myself that I vaguely want to be in charge of a company some day, I'm not going to be very successful. If I tell myself specifically that there is X company and I want to be in charge of it and here's how I will do it and what factors will help me get there, I will be much more successful. Same with relationships. Are there some unexpected factors in there that may change or may be different from what I expected? Sure. But there are still set red flags and requirements. When I didn't have this- and let what I wanted get continuously compromised- it ruined my relationship. So from my experience, I think it's important. And for me it's important to evaluate while not in a relationship, because for me that skews it. 

My list is not something I readily share- but yes I have one. I can give you some pieces though. 

Requirements/ Green Flags:

Optimism. 
Sense of Humor. 
Ambition toward something.
Intelligence.
Creativity.

Red Flags/ Deal Breakers:

Unwilling to adventure.
Hates dogs. 
No job.
Makes assumptions about me.
Hates to read.


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

My perspective is that failure is an option and nothing lasts forever so rather than nitpicking flaws, especially since everyone's imperfect (including everyone in this thread and of course, myself), rather, look to whether or not you have a healthy dynamic and are compatible. As they say, the things we hate/fear the most in others, are the things that we hate/fear about ourselves.


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## Dalien (Jul 21, 2010)

The biggest red flag to me is condescension—don‘t humiliate me, because I don’t play the way you do.


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## Lunacik (Apr 19, 2014)

*Huge* turn off:
Low self-esteem / unassertive / pushover

Dunno if I can even be attracted to a pushover at all tbh.


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## Queen of Cups (Feb 26, 2010)

Dalien said:


> The biggest red flag to me is condescension—don‘t humiliate me, because I don’t play the way you do.


Not just to me, but to other people as well. I see it on here ALL the time.


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## Queen of Cups (Feb 26, 2010)

Twisting my words and blowing up over minor inconveniences.


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## Lunacik (Apr 19, 2014)

Littering. Carelessly (knowingly) contributing to environmental damage. If you don't care about shit like this it's a red flag to me:




Like are you heartless or just stupid? Wtf is your deal?


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## SirCanSir (Mar 21, 2018)

Rigid thinking
Drama prone behavior
Preferences and interests defined by external / social standards, lack of authenticity
Lack of self awareness
Stagnancy
Mistreating others
Dismissiveness with emotions
Bad Listener
Easily molded / lack of passion in personal views
Unclear intentions, mixed signals
Too reserved and avoidant of engagement in more personal topics
Irrational behavior based on insecurities and fears, projection of those as well
Not respectful of personal space
Negativity (when its not beneficial / holding her back / has no basis / can be avoided)


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## Lunacik (Apr 19, 2014)

SirCanSir said:


> Not respectful of personal space


Oh...respect personal space...
mistranslated note to self: always be sure to *respectfully* smother my partners

__
Sensitive content, not recommended for those under 18
Show Content


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## SirCanSir (Mar 21, 2018)

Hexcoder said:


> Oh...respect personal space...
> mistranslated note to self: always be sure to *respectfully* smother my partners
> 
> __
> ...


Physical touch is welcome if comforting so it gets a pass.


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

Dalien said:


> The biggest red flag to me is condescension—don‘t humiliate me, because I don’t play the way you do.


Since you posted right after me, was this intended for me? If not, then disregard. If so, let me know so I can respond in full.


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## Dalien (Jul 21, 2010)

mia-me said:


> Since you posted right after me, was this intended for me? If not, then disregard. If so, let me know so I can respond in full.


Not for you. I did have this experience with my ex husband. And quite often, I might add.


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

Dalien said:


> Not for you. I did have this experience with my ex husband. And quite often, I might add.


Ah, okay. Just curious since people online sometimes interpret my posts as being condescending when none was intended.


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## Dalien (Jul 21, 2010)

SirCanSir said:


> Too reserved and avoidant of engagement in more personal topics


I‘m a reserved person until one gets to know me.
Then I almost can’t hold back.
Just saying—there are people out there like this.
Give them a chance?


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## Queen of Cups (Feb 26, 2010)

Dalien said:


> I‘m a reserved person until one gets to know me.
> Then I almost can’t hold back.
> Just saying—there are people out there like this.
> Give them a chance?


People who don’t know me think I’m quiet.
People who do know me, know I’m not.
People who really know me “That girl’s the best kind of crazy.”


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## Dalien (Jul 21, 2010)

Queen of Cups said:


> People who don’t know me think I’m quiet.
> People who do know me, know I’m not.
> People who really know me “That girl’s the best kind of crazy.”


Exactly! 🙃


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## Charus (May 31, 2017)

RED FLAG: Karens, Onlyfans clowns, goofy feminists, height queens, having huge entitlement, And similar to height queens, a woman whose have the need to shit on shorter men and considers them less 'masculine'.


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## SirCanSir (Mar 21, 2018)

Dalien said:


> I‘m a reserved person until one gets to know me.
> Then I almost can’t hold back.
> Just saying—there are people out there like this.
> Give them a chance?


My issue is that i am also a very reserved person, so its tough for this to work with someone who is struggling to open up too. Im sure it motivates me to draw them out more, but i prefer an equal sharing style of interaction. I dont have issues with being initiating but i struggle with being open. I appreciate it when my interest / partner is better in that area because it encourages me to get over my fears of exposure.


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## Lunacik (Apr 19, 2014)

Clingier than my cats are.


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