# The "friends first" thread. Do you or don't you, and why?



## Stephen (Jan 17, 2011)

I'm curious as to people's experiences and thoughts on relationships that started as friendships. So, here's a thread asking about that.

• If you are currently in a relationship, were you friends with that person before you became more, and if so how long were you friends first? What do you think of the experience?

• If you have been friends with someone before becoming more, and had other relationships where you were not friends first, what are your observations of the differences now that those relationships have ended?

• Do you have a policy on this subject, for example will you not start a relationship unless you've been friends first, or do you never date friends?


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## KeepSmilingDarling (Sep 15, 2011)

Well, I wouldn't say I would require a friendship before a relationship, but I find it nicer and better that way simply because I knew the person before we got serious and I know what that person wants in a relationship and visa-versa. I find relationships that started off as friendships generally last longer than relationships that started off as strangers.


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## viva (Aug 13, 2010)

*• If you are currently in a relationship, were you friends with that person before you became more, and if so how long were you friends first? What do you think of the experience?
*
Well, I met my boyfriend online, so we were friends first, since neither of us were really looking for a relationship at the time. It was also kind of awkward because it quickly became apparent that we were super-duper soulmates but neither of us were willing to openly acknowledge we had feelings for each other since we had never actually _met_. We were in that stage of limbo for about three months-- "just friends" on paper-- then once we met in person we started dating. I think it was actually a nice timeframe... we were friends long enough to get to know each other pretty well beforehand and be comfortable with one another, but not so long that we already knew everything about each other when we started dating.

*• If you have been friends with someone before becoming more, and had other relationships where you were not friends first, what are your observations of the differences now that those relationships have ended?*
In general, I think it's best to be friends for a_ little while _beforehand, as opposed to diving straight into dating to get to know someone, or dating someone you've been best friends with for years. I have done all three, and the first one seems to work out the best. My most serious relationship aside from my current one was two years long, and that began after I had been best friends with him for a year. He was scared that if things went sour, he would lose his best friend, but we took the dive anyway-- and lo and behold, that is what happened when things went bad. Not saying you shouldn't ever date your best friend-- there are exceptions where circumstances keep you apart but still allow you to grow close in friendship, and I don't think that should keep you from getting romantic when circumstances change and allow it (i.e. the person was taken, and now they are single.) 

*• Do you have a policy on this subject, for example will you not start a relationship unless you've been friends first, or do you never date friends?*
As I said, I have tried pretty much everything. The most awkward situation to me actually has always been diving straight into a dating scenario without really knowing the person beforehand.


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## KINGoftheAMAZONS (Jun 21, 2011)

I've never been a relationship before, but I would prefer if me and my potential SO were friends first. In my opinion, genuine friendship gives a long term relationship a more sturdy foundation. I can't be with someone after the limerence stage fades away if I don't even like them as a friend.


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## strawberryLola (Sep 19, 2010)

I don't have a policy.

I've dated a guy who was a friend for a whole year, but it was weird hearing him say baby when in my mind, we were still friends.

I've dated a few guys (long-term) without having a friendship first, and it was a bit more natural- because it was more of a compatibility thing.

Preferably, friends first is most ideal, but depends--


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## The Proof (Aug 5, 2009)

NF chicks love being friends first with guys, it helps them overcome their massive fear of conflict

I know cuz one stopped talking to me when I said we should go on a date, lol


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## twoofthree (Aug 6, 2011)

I don't think I've ever dated a friend. And I wouldn't advise anyone to take that approach, as if you're friend-zoned then you might never become anything else.

Sure you get to know a person for a while before you start a relationship with them (isn't that what dating's for?), but I wouldn't consider that being friends first.


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## Eerie (Feb 9, 2011)

The Proof said:


> NF chicks love being friends first with guys, it helps them overcome their massive fear of conflict


lol wut?

10char


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## Stephen (Jan 17, 2011)

The Proof said:


> NF chicks love being friends first with guys, it helps them overcome their massive fear of conflict


This doesn't bear out in my experience. Many people fear conflict, only some of them are NF. Most of my exes are NF, and none seemed concerned with being friends first. Also, many of my NF friends and exes had no problem with conflict.



> I know cuz one stopped talking to me when I said we should go on a date, lol


That's an insufficient sample for scientific analysis, don't you think?

Wait... you're joking aren't you.


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## twoofthree (Aug 6, 2011)

Stephen said:


> Wait... you're joking aren't you.


I thought he was joking. . .


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## Eerie (Feb 9, 2011)

twoofthree said:


> I thought he was joking. . .


Well, he's made comments about NF's before.


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## Surreal Snake (Nov 17, 2009)

I have always seemed to jump into relationships in the past.None have started from friendship but that might be a good idea.


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## Jennywocky (Aug 7, 2009)

*If you are currently in a relationship, were you friends with that person before you became more, and if so how long were you friends first? What do you think of the experience?*

When I look back at my relationships, all but one were friends first. And the only one I remember that distinctly wasn't only lasted a month, even if I was hung up on it for a few years. :blushed: [I was in high school, and this was long before I got married, so I still had a lot to learn....]

One I was only friends with for a month, but the others I was friends with for a number of months and things developed from there.

I have realized that I really am not the "cold dater" sort of person, I am just not really into the club or bar scenes nor into the sort of people who ARE into those scenes. Nothing is wrong with them or me, it's just not who I am. 

I do much better by meeting people who share an interest in common with me, or some sort of perspective in life, and as that rapport develops, sometimes there's enough of a "click" to move things to the next level.

I plan to be more active in meeting people, even if just to make friends, once I get through this busy fall and my schedule opens up; and I plan to do it by attending gatherings of people with like interests or ideas. Maybe I'll meet someone there. Who knows? But it's far more likely than just hanging out in the hotel bars and dance clubs.


*If you have been friends with someone before becoming more, and had other relationships where you were not friends first, what are your observations of the differences now that those relationships have ended?*

Well, the ones that started as friends typically still have a friendship attached to them now. The one I recall that wasn't, we never talk nowadays, we haven't talked for years.

*Do you have a policy on this subject, for example will you not start a relationship unless you've been friends first, or do you never date friends?*

I don't have a specific policy, just a very real fear that a friendship that converts into a romantic relationship that then fails will kill the friendship. I did have that happen the last time -- the person I ended up dating was one of my best friends -- and after it was over we didn't talk for 5-6 months. Not at all. (That was hard, especially because both of us needed someone to talk to due to the breakup but the person we wanted to talk to was the one responsible for the pain.) Now we actually are friends again, but it's more like before the "spark" that clicked us over to a couple, and while I'm glad we talk from time to time, it's kind of distant and not very intimate to me.



vivacissimamente said:


> In general, I think it's best to be friends for a_ little while _beforehand, as opposed to diving straight into dating to get to know someone, or dating someone you've been best friends with for years. I have done all three, and the first one seems to work out the best. My most serious relationship aside from my current one was two years long, and that began after I had been best friends with him for a year. He was scared that if things went sour, he would lose his best friend, but we took the dive anyway-- and lo and behold, that is what happened when things went bad. Not saying you shouldn't ever date your best friend-- there are exceptions where circumstances keep you apart but still allow you to grow close in friendship, and I don't think that should keep you from getting romantic when circumstances change and allow it (i.e. the person was taken, and now they are single.)


It is kind of a tough call, because I think once you get involved with someone and/or even married, you typically do become close/best friends in a lot of ways, so any loss of the relationship automatically jeopardizes it. Yet if you don't become close, it's not much of a relationship; it's not like "friend" doesn't overlap on the "romantic" part, there is spillover and they're both parts of a sucessful union IMO.


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## DustyDrill (May 20, 2011)

No, my intention when looking for a mate is always to find a mate. But I can compartmentalize my sexual attraction for them vs. how interesting they are as a person. Then combine those factors to come up with their worthiness. If they're sexually attractive and boring, I lose interest and stop talking to them. If they're not all that attractive, but interesting. They may or may not get friend-zoned. But I usually just stop talking to them if there's nothing there to keep my sexual interest. I actually prefer to keep my circle of friends limited, and am not looking to expand it though "Ooops, I'm not really attracted to her" situations.

And, before people start calling me an asshole. I make my decision before sex happens.


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## Super Awesome (Jul 11, 2011)

I've never fucked a friend. 

However, my boyfriend fast became my best friend ever. There was no denying, from day one, that we "fit" on many levels.


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## LotusBlossom (Apr 2, 2011)

Is this inspired by something that's recently happened to the OP?


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## lirulin (Apr 16, 2010)

I don't exactly have a policy.

But if someone asked me out and we weren't friends, if I didn't really know them - I would have no reason whatsoever to say yes. I really can't think of why I would. I never sought it out and I don't like dating for itself, so I have to already know there is something good with them or I just...there is not pull, no reason to date them.

I only ever dated people I was friends with first - one I knew for eight years, the other for six months.


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## Erbse (Oct 15, 2010)

Friends first, I don't care for strangers.


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## Psilo (Apr 29, 2009)

I couldn't date someone who wasn't my friend. To be honest, it kind of weirds me out to get hit on by people I don't know. It doesn't seem genuine, and it makes me wary of their intentions.


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## hoom (Jan 22, 2011)

Bearing in mind that I've never been in a relationship... I would *really* like one to begin from a friendship. Every woman I've really been interested in dating has been a friend first.... the only woman I've ever even considered asking out was a friend for at least three years, though we did only grow _particularly_ close this year. (I almost asked her too, for what it's worth, though time constraints and heading different ways...)


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## Kr3m1in (Jan 16, 2011)

I've never been in a relationship with a friend. When I do have relationship-oriented intentions, I do get to know the person first, most obviously, but it's a very different kind of dynamic than with a friend.

Friends are strictly platonic for me. They aren't going to wake up next to me naked, it's just not possible in my world.


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## Stephen (Jan 17, 2011)

Stephen said:


> If you are currently in a relationship, were you friends with that person before you became more, and if so how long were you friends first?


She and I were friends for about four months before we started seriously talking about giving things a try.



> What do you think of the experience?


So far, pretty different. I like it.



> If you have been friends with someone before becoming more, and had other relationships where you were not friends first, what are your observations of the differences now that those relationships have ended?


In my experience, relationships have started with an kind of limerence phase, or whatever you want to call it. However, since we already know each other very well, things in this new relationship have been different. We had even talked each other through the reflections and challenges of previous relationships. All that exaggerated crazy "omg this person is amazing and perfect" stuff, which I would expect to be followed by the typical "whoa this person is not right for me at all" realization, hasn't happened. It's more about learning the details of our independent philosophies, plans for the future, etc. Sure, we're kind of giddy and excited at the newness, and obviously nobody knows if this will all work out.



> Do you have a policy on this subject, for example will you not start a relationship unless you've been friends first, or do you never date friends?


I haven't had a policy. I've just never had a friendship turn into a romance before. In high school I had a best friend who I tried to date, we couldn't even bring ourselves to kiss. It was just too weird. After we ended it, I didn't see or hear from her for more than 15 years.



Kayness said:


> Is this inspired by something that's recently happened to the OP?


Troublemaker. :tongue:


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## MonieJ (Nov 22, 2010)

While I have thought about it,I think dating friends is a bad idea.

Me bein pessimistic the whole dating a friend thing would be a disaster, aslo I dnt have that many "friends anyhow" so I wouldn't want to ruin that by goin out with any of them and then us not workin out(which we prob wouldn't). I can't see us goin back to bein just friends again.


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## Master Mind (Aug 15, 2011)

I've always thought that people went about things backwards by getting together and then getting to know each other, rather than getting to know that person first and then seeing if that person is someone they'd want to be in a relationship with. I don't get dating a stranger and then getting to know them. If I don't know you, then how do I know you're someone I'd even *want* to date in the first place? And vice versa?


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## twoofthree (Aug 6, 2011)

To me you're saying, I don't want to get to know you unless I already know you.

I think the word dating means different things to different people.

To me, dating is a step before a relationship. So it's where you get to know the person.

Isn't dating getting to know someone? How do you get to know someone?


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## Hosker (Jan 19, 2011)

I've never been in a relationship, but I would like to know them least a short while before going into one. It seems like it would be weird to go out with someone I hardly know.


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## twoofthree (Aug 6, 2011)

Hosker said:


> I've never been in a relationship, but I would like to know them least a short while before going into one. It seems like it would be weird to go out with someone I hardly know.


How would you know them without going out with them?
Going out with someone is not a relationship. It's. . .getting to know them.


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## Stephen (Jan 17, 2011)

twoofthree said:


> How would you know them without going out with them?
> Going out with someone is not a relationship. It's. . .getting to know them.


It comes down to definitions. In my mind, there's friendship, which is spending time with someone you like without things having a romantic angle, then there's dating, where you're both openly evaluating the other for something romantic, then when it becomes an exclusive and romantic thing, that's a relationship.

Now of course this is just my definition, there are plenty of people out there who don't do romance.

In the past, I've either met someone and quickly jumped into the relationship part, or right into the dating part. By starting as friends, you get the "learning about each other" part out of the way without the unrealistic cloud of "new relationship" hanging over it.


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## Hosker (Jan 19, 2011)

twoofthree said:


> How would you know them without going out with them?
> Going out with someone is not a relationship. It's. . .getting to know them.


"Going out" with somebody means to be in a relationship with them ... That's what it means here, at least.


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## twoofthree (Aug 6, 2011)

Hosker said:


> "Going out" with somebody means to be in a relationship with them ... That's what it means here, at least.


So what do you call it when you're going out with friends. . . to the cinema or something.
And what do you call the step before you're in a relationship - when you've met someone and you're spending time together to learn more about each other?


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## twoofthree (Aug 6, 2011)

Kr3m1in said:


> I've never been in a relationship with a friend. When I do have relationship-oriented intentions, I do get to know the person first, most obviously, but it's a very different kind of dynamic than with a friend.
> 
> Friends are strictly platonic for me. They aren't going to wake up next to me naked, it's just not possible in my world.


This is how it works for me too.

And that 'getting to know you' phase is what I'd call dating.


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## Hosker (Jan 19, 2011)

twoofthree said:


> So what do you call it when you're going out with friends. . . to the cinema or something.
> And what do you call the step before you're in a relationship - when you've met someone and you're spending time together to learn more about each other?


It may sound like it can be a cause for confusion, but it really isn't. If it's going out to a place, most often people end it with "to ... ". It still largely depends on the context of which it is spoken. If any misunderstanding might occur, people will something like "They're seeing each other", and then full comprehension will be held. Examples:

"They've been going out for 3 months" - easily understood as romantically.

*As you are leaving the front door with someone* "We're going out" - understood as going somewhere.

"We've just started going out" - romantic, as it doesn't end with a "to ... ".

I didn't invent the phrase; it's just a handy way of (informally) saying that two people are in a romantic relationship. 

As to the second question, I'm not sure. The same as everyone else, I would assume.

http://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/british/go-out_2


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## Sina (Oct 27, 2010)

*• If you are currently in a relationship, were you friends with that person before you became more, and if so how long were you friends first? What do you think of the experience?*

Yes. We were friends for 3 months. I always like to get to know a person as a 'friend' before I start dating him exclusively. This has nothing to do with conflict avoidance LOL. Strong relationships are built on a foundation of strong friendship. A guy definitely has to be a friend first, though I don't need to know him for ages for this to happen. 



*
• If you have been friends with someone before becoming more, and had other relationships where you were not friends first, what are your observations of the differences now that those relationships have ended?*

With the exception of one truly fuckin disastrous relationship, I have always been friends with all of my exes before we started going out. Such relationships honour the fact that I don't like to jump into a long-term relationship before I am able to open myself up emotionally and develop a strong enough bond. When I made the mistake of dating someone who hadn't become a friend first, I felt hugely annoyed at his intrusion into my emotional life because I felt like he hadn't done shit to earn that kind of closeness. I had no trouble talking about my day to day life, future plans etc, but baring my heart before him was neither easy nor all that desirable. I resented him for being a pushy jerk who was trying (and failing) to force me to move at a pace I didn't care for, and this led to honest direct explosiveness on my end resulting in a nasty break up. Good riddance. 


*• Do you have a policy on this subject, for example will you not start a relationship unless you've been friends first, or do you never date friends?*

I wouldn't call it a policy, because clearly I have decided to try a different approach in the past. My previous answer illustrates this. But, yes, the whole skipping the friendship thing does NOT work for me. I am done with that. I have never dated a guy I was friends with for a long time. But, I probably wouldn't date someone who has been 'just friends' with me for that long. It doesn't take that long for me to spot a potential mate.


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## twoofthree (Aug 6, 2011)

Hosker said:


> It may sound like it can be a cause for confusion, but it really isn't. If it's going out to a place, most often people end it with "to ... ". It still largely depends on the context of which it is spoken. If any misunderstanding might occur, people will something like "They're seeing each other", and then full comprehension will be held. Examples:
> 
> "They've been going out for 3 months" - easily understood as romantically.
> 
> ...


Interesting. . .

Perhaps I'm too literal. For me "going out" means just that going out. 

And I'm still unsure about what people call the stage in between meeting someone and being in a relationship with them.


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## Stephen (Jan 17, 2011)

twoofthree said:


> Interesting. . .
> 
> Perhaps I'm too literal. For me "going out" means just that going out.
> 
> And I'm still unsure about what people call the stage in between meeting someone and being in a relationship with them.


Friendship and/or dating.


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## Eerie (Feb 9, 2011)

I'm the type of person where if I'm just friends with a guy for a certain amount of time, that's all it will ever be. They become just one of the guy friends. I cannot see someone who is a good friend as anything more than a good friend. 



> And I'm still unsure about what people call the stage in between meeting someone and being in a relationship with them.


ditto.


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## twoofthree (Aug 6, 2011)

Stephen said:


> Friendship and/or dating.


But when I looked up "dating". It gave a similar definition to "going out".
date verb (MEET) - definition in British English Dictionary & Thesaurus - Cambridge Dictionary Online


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## twoofthree (Aug 6, 2011)

Eerie said:


> I'm the type of person where if I'm just friends with a guy for a certain amount of time, that's all it will ever be. They become just one of the guy friends. I cannot see someone who is a good friend as anything more than a good friend.


same here. In other words, they become "friend-zoned". . .


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## Stephen (Jan 17, 2011)

twoofthree said:


> But when I looked up "dating". It gave a similar definition to "going out".
> date verb (MEET) - definition in British English Dictionary & Thesaurus - Cambridge Dictionary Online


Yeah, they're pretty much synonymous. I don't use the phrase "going out" because it seems too ambiguous. As was posted earlier, it can be taken very literally: we're going to the movies... something even those who are just friends might do. So, I call it "dating" or sometimes "seeing," thought that last one seems weird to me too, and "dating" in my mind implies actually going out on dates, dinner, movies, that kind of thing, which may not be happening most of the time in an LDR.

Someone asked me recently if me and my girlfriend were "official." I asked what that meant, and explained that we refer to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend. She said that was official. I said OK. The end, great story brah.

It's all words. I guess it doesn't matter which words we use. We could drop the labels and be specific about what we do, but in romantic relationships, that can be uncomfortable.

:laughing:


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## twoofthree (Aug 6, 2011)

Stephen said:


> Yeah, they're pretty much synonymous. I don't use the phrase "going out" because it seems too ambiguous. As was posted earlier, it can be taken very literally: we're going to the movies... something even those who are just friends might do. So, I call it "dating" or sometimes "seeing," thought that last one seems weird to me too, and "dating" in my mind implies actually going out on dates, dinner, movies, that kind of thing, which may not be happening most of the time in an LDR.


And the step before "going out"/"dating"/relationship (given that these appear to be synonymous) is called. . .?

<cue theme music>


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## Stephen (Jan 17, 2011)

twoofthree said:


> And the step before "going out"/"dating"/relationship (given that these appear to be synonymous) is called. . .?
> 
> <cue theme music>


If you're not already friends or acquaintances, you don't know each other, right? I'd call that meeting someone.


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## Napoleptic (Oct 29, 2010)

Stephen said:


> It's all words. I guess it doesn't matter which words we use. We could drop the labels and be specific about what we do, but in romantic relationships, that can be uncomfortable.
> 
> :laughing:


So true. I like to get a hard definition for what's going on mainly so I don't cross an unspoken boundary or stick my foot in my mouth (which I am wont to do even when things *are* clear). But since the definitions tend to mean different things for different people, just slapping a label on it can still end up in that same awkwardness, so it is nice to do a little defining. I'm fine if someone's definitions are completely different from mine - I just want to know what we're saying to each other.

Although as you say, defining can then be uncomfortable, so it's hard to know when it's more awkward to define and when it's more awkward not to. So frustrating.

I will say, however, that there can be some fun in clarifying. *grins* And if you're both people who like very clear definitions, just sharing that trait can be something that draws you closer - being understood can be pretty seductive sometimes. :blushed:

Anyway, the real reason I posted was I just wanted to point out that I like that you say "romantic relationship" - just like _going out_ and _dating_ are ambiguous to many, _relationship_ is ambiguous to me - I have a relationship with my boss, my coworker, my roommates, my family, my friends...if you _mean_ romantic relationship but it's not particularly clear to all present from context or previous knowledge, please use the _romantic_ prefix. I'm stupid about these things, so help me out a bit, okay? 

Sorry, didn't mean to rant, but I noticed that had been overlooked in the "what definitions are we using" posts, and it's something of a pet peeve of mine.


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## Stephen (Jan 17, 2011)

Napoleptic said:


> Sorry, didn't mean to rant, but I noticed that had been overlooked in the "what definitions are we using" posts, and it's something of a pet peeve of mine.


The problem is not every relationship like this even is really "romantic." Some people are aromantic, and have no interest in those things. They just want the sex and the company. Some people don't even want the sex. Everyone's different.


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## Peacock (Mar 11, 2011)

*• If you are currently in a relationship, were you friends with that person before you became more, and if so how long were you friends first? What do you think of the experience?* My boyfriend was my best friend on and off for about five years before we started dating. We've known each other since we were 11 or 12. 

*• If you have been friends with someone before becoming more, and had other relationships where you were not friends first, what are your observations of the differences now that those relationships have ended?* I haven't dated someone who wasn't my friend. 

*• Do you have a policy on this subject, for example will you not start a relationship unless you've been friends first, or do you never date friends?* I don't really have a policy, but I like being able to do all the stuff I can do around my friends around my boyfriend..... I think it would be awkward to fart around someone who wasn't your friend at first... (Yes, I'm deeming that important right now.)


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## Runvardh (May 17, 2011)

I've done both and couldn't care less either way. My frustration always ends up coming from being in a different mode than the girl.


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## cricket (Jan 10, 2011)

I probably wouldn't date a guy unless we were friends. I want to know I'm comfortable around him. I want to be attracted to him on a deeper level than just physical. If I was only going for sexual, or no commitment, then I would prefer to not ruin a good friendship- I could have a fling with anyone I was physically attracted to. It would grate against my conscience though, as if I was using him. 
I had a relationship with someone I was friends with first, and although it didn't work out, I couldn't stand not being friends with him after- so, we still are, for the most part. I don't even know where I would begin to start a relationship with someone I _wasn't_ friends with.


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## daydr3am (Oct 20, 2010)

I don't have a "policy" and I just let it happen, if it happens. I think some of my male friends/acquaintances would be interested in dating me if I were open to the idea--which I'm not. I don't want to date a friend. I don't want to risk losing the friendly relationship, which is realistically likely to happen. I'm not entirely opposed to it; I just would rather date someone I don't already have a relationship with. That and I do not find my friends attactive haha.


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## Master Mind (Aug 15, 2011)

twoofthree said:


> To me you're saying, I don't want to get to know you unless I already know you.
> 
> I think the word dating means different things to different people.
> 
> ...


Let's think about this for a moment.

Think of every single person you've ever met in your life, whom you initially did not know.

Did you date them, and get to know them through dating? If not, then how did they transform from people you did not know, to people you did know?


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## twoofthree (Aug 6, 2011)

Master Mind said:


> Let's think about this for a moment.
> 
> Think of every single person you've ever met in your life, whom you initially did not know.
> 
> Did you date them, and get to know them through dating? If not, then how did they transform from people you did not know, to people you did know?


You've already quoted my answer. So your question makes no sense.
I said:


> To me, dating is a step before a relationship. So it's where you get to know the person.


So that's how I transform them to people I know.
What I'm trying to figure out is what do other people call this step?


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## Master Mind (Aug 15, 2011)

twoofthree said:


> You've already quoted my answer. So your question makes no sense.
> I said:
> 
> So that's how I transform them to people I know.
> What I'm trying to figure out is what do other people call this step?


So what you're telling me... is that you have in fact dated every person you've ever met in your life whom you did not initially know, and got to know them by dating them.

Everyone you've ever encountered were transformed from strangers to people you know/knew, by dating them. This is what you're saying?

:dry:


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## twoofthree (Aug 6, 2011)

Master Mind said:


> So what you're telling me... is that you have in fact dated every person you've ever met in your life whom you did not initially know, and got to know them by dating them.
> 
> Everyone you've ever encountered were transformed from strangers to people you know/knew, by dating them. This is what you're saying?
> 
> :dry:


Let's forget the word 'dating' for a minute, since it means different things to different persons.

I got to know them by spending time with them in social settings.


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## Monkey King (Nov 16, 2010)

I dated a friend of mine who I considered pretty close despite the inconsistent communication/hang out time we had. We were friends for about 7 years. We basically developed feelings for each other at the same time without being aware of it until I noticed (and I guess he noticed) that he was filling up my text inbox and call times. 

When we mutually confessed and began dating, the thought of it ruining the friendship never crossed our minds. I don't know why we didn't see it, but I suppose we were intoxicated with the idea of _the_ special someone being right in front of the other that whole time. 

It seemed like dating backwards. We knew each other so well but we never did anything physical (lol). A lot of awkward moments. For instance, I called him "dude" for the passed 7 years and I remember training myself to call him by his name. There were interesting little adjustments that made the beginning hilarious but memorable. 

What differentiated my relationship with him from the other ex's was that we knew of each others flaws and helped each other through them in the past. Whereas, a relationship that didn't start as friendship, when flaws start rearing it's ugly head, one almost has an obligation to understand without really understanding. For instance, I remember having a feeling of obligation to understand every flaw despite of the fact that I thought it was a flaw that could be fixed for the betterment of the himself. When my opinions were expressed--- my partner became sensitive to my criticism and saw it as an attack to his character instead of a girlfriend, who is also a friend, who was just trying to help. Criticism of flaws became an indication of how much I accepted him. 
Whilst, the friend that I dated viewed my criticism as a friend who was offering a solution that he may or may not entertain. There were less arguments because there was a built in trust system between us.

As far as policy goes, I would refrain from dating a close friend again. The thing about this particular friend of mine was that he was someone I looked up to also. He always seemed to have the other half of what I'm missing when I'm trying to fix something. Even though we expressed our need/want to continue the friendship as though nothing happened between us, at least I can tell, that it no longer was/is the same. We didn't end on bad terms at all--- he saw a tangible pitfall, I couldn't disagree, and we broke up. The relationship ended as quickly as it began. Since our friendship was strong , we fooled ourselves into thinking that we could overlook what happened. 

I can honestly say that this one affected me more than any previous relationships combined. It is unlikely that I would entertain a relationship with a friend again because the loss is too great should it not work out.


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## Blazing_Glitter (Sep 13, 2011)

• If you are currently in a relationship, were you friends with that person before you became more, and if so how long were you friends first? What do you think of the experience?

Kind of? I didn't want more friends, and I definitely wanted something different from him. He didn't pick up the cues, and we became friends while I fruitlessly waited on him to make the first move.

• If you have been friends with someone before becoming more, and had other relationships where you were not friends first, what are your observations of the differences now that those relationships have ended?

Any time I've tried to take a solid friendship to the next level the entire relationship has unraveled and fallen away.

• Do you have a policy on this subject, for example will you not start a relationship unless you've been friends first, or do you never date friends?

No policy, exactly. When I'm attracted to someone, and we're both available, I do not pursue friendship...and just go for what I want.


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## Deja Vu (Dec 26, 2009)

• If you are currently in a relationship, were you friends with that person before you became more....?

_*No*
_
• If you have been friends with someone before becoming more, and had other relationships where you were not friends first, what are your observations of the differences now that those relationships have ended?

_*I've never dated a girl I was friends with.*_

• Do you have a policy on this subject, for example will you not start a relationship unless you've been friends first, or do you never date friends?

_*Apparently, I don't date friends; a natural choice due to the nature of my previous female friendships. I know if I am interested from the start.*_


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## ficsci (May 4, 2011)

Wow this makes me feel guilty, because I think I just friend-zoned someone, even though he's a special friend :S

But I don't feel any sparks and we're too different! Damnit stupid life!!


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## Celtic Dreams (Sep 7, 2011)

My take on this issue is to make different category of "friend" for the potential future mate. That is the kind of friend where it is ok to mildly flirt or talk about anything, sex included, not only because it lets them know you might be interested sometime, but also because you get to know them better that way. If you friend-zone them later because you decide they are not a compatible partner, there is very little movement in status, and it's not as unsettling to the relationship. You can also easily move someone from this "special friend" category into the dating spot should you desire to, just by asking them out. So there are friends you would never, and friends you would... easy peasy.


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## ficsci (May 4, 2011)

Ok, why do I now feel like I'm the only one who's been friend-zoned (-_-


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## Memphisto (Jan 27, 2010)

My marriage started out as a friendship first. I was only 13 when I met him and we were pen pals for 4 years (he's from another country...). We became really close through writing letters (the old-fangled snail mail!) and didn't see each other again until I was 17. We were crazy young people in love....and ran off and got married soon thereafter.

Now...17 years later we are divorcing and I'm staring this in the face.... I can't see myself going into a relationship with somebody that I don't know and have a certain level of comfort and trust with. I've been on my own now for about a year and a half and have had several guys ask me out but I don't know....I'm just not interested. I need time to get to know them first without any expectations. And I want to know what I'm getting into... Probably missing lots of opportunities and great people that way but for now I'll take my chances... I'm getting used to being alone.


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## WickedQueen (Jun 1, 2009)

I do casual date with my male friends. I think I enjoy getting intimate with them without having to commit into romantic relationship with any of them.

Although I have never done it, I think dating a stranger would be fun too. I like to get to know someone from entirely fresh start and blank point of view. I think it's interesting.

My ex boyfriends and I were friends first, though. But the 'spark' and interest is definitely there from the first time we're being friends. 

Once we broke up, I cut them off of my life. 

I don't have problem cutting people off from my life, even though we were very close before. For me, it's not a hard thing to do. I like a clean and fresh beginning. So when everything is over, I would want to throw away the waste and not associating myself with the old ones anymore.


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## Harley (Jul 5, 2009)

I've had experiences where people tried to bypass the friends first stage and go straight to courting and dating. To that I had only one reaction: No. Of course it didn't help for one of them I had no attraction for them whatsoever so I quickly ended that. For the other, I did genuinely like that person and there was something there, but the fact that they tried to rush it completely screwed it up because I need time to become attached to people. So yes I would absolutely have to be friends with that person lest they want to relegated to fuck buddies (but they would have to be _extremely_ physically attractive to me for that to happen) or pushed to the wayside where I will then forget you. I honestly hate being pursued by someone whom I don't know on a platonic level, it makes me feel like I'm some wild animal that's trying to be caged and I react very badly to situations where I feel like people are trying to pursue me. When I'm placed in such a situation my reaction oscillates between disgust and embarrassment and it ends badly for that person. I have a certain way of being and viewing the world, I need someone on that level which is why we need to be friends first so I can comfortable revealing myself to them and getting attached. When people try to go around that, it automatically means they do not understand me and will never be able to get that, so I quickly disassociate from individuals who try to push for a romantic relationship more quickly than I would like.


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## Luke (Oct 17, 2010)

I think I would prefer for the friendship and romance to develop at the same time. I think being friends first would be confusing and kind of unrealistic because if I'm interested in someone romantically I usually develop these feelings fairly early on in the relationship, or at the very least when I am around them I am considering whether those feelings could develop in the future. But romance without friendship also won't work for me. So I would attempt to develop both aspects of the relationship in tandem.


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## GoodOldDreamer (Sep 8, 2011)

I'm too introverted to not be friends with someone prior to being intimately involved with them. And I've never really been big on the whole dating scene anyway. The significant relationships I've had have always started off as friendships that developed into more as time went on. I never went out looking for love. It always found me, usually when I least expected it.

Hell, love has to come and find me. And when it does, it has to punch its way through my walls to get to me. Once it does, I love like there's no tomorrow, but I'm way too introverted to initiate the flames for the fire. P


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## Mutatio NOmenis (Jun 22, 2009)

twoofthree said:


> I don't think I've ever dated a friend. And I wouldn't advise anyone to take that approach, as if you're friend-zoned then you might never become anything else.
> 
> Sure you get to know a person for a while before you start a relationship with them (isn't that what dating's for?), but I wouldn't consider that being friends first.


I've found that trying to start a relationship from a non romantic origin always means I end up friend zoned and I never get anywhere. The flipside is if I try to start from a strangers relationship and that never survives the first 20 minutes! This may have something to do with having no faith in myself, and having no experiences with women that actually ended well or didn't in hindsight make me realize that I was just being used for something.


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## BroNerd (Nov 27, 2010)

I was in a relationship with a good friend in the past- only to see the relationship end and the friendship deteriorate. But we weren't compatible at all in the relationship sense...

With that said, there's a girl I'm really good friends with in grad school who I am hoping to get into a relationship with in the near future, I'm taking it very slow because she does seem interested but is very cautious when it comes to starting relationships. I've been trying to keep it out of the friend zone entirely through subtle flirting.

I think the "friends first" thing allows for better long-term relationships..it allows you to say, "I care for this person" more sincerely [besides in..she has a nice ass, so I care about her.]


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## kudi (Sep 27, 2011)

> [besides in..she has a nice ass, so I care about her.]


I love you people


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## DustyDrill (May 20, 2011)

BroNerd said:


> I was in a relationship with a good friend in the past- only to see the relationship end and the friendship deteriorate. But we weren't compatible at all in the relationship sense...
> 
> With that said, there's a girl I'm really good friends with in grad school who I am hoping to get into a relationship with in the near future, I'm taking it very slow because she does seem interested but is very cautious when it comes to starting relationships. I've been trying to keep it out of the friend zone entirely through subtle flirting.
> 
> I think the "friends first" thing allows for better long-term relationships..it allows you to say, "I care for this person" more sincerely [besides in..she has a nice ass, so I care about her.]


I care deeply about nice asses.


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## MuChApArAdOx (Jan 24, 2011)

No matter what stage of the relationship, friendship should come first. My husband is my best friend first, then my lover. We treat each other the same way we would treat our other friends. We started off as friends, and will end it that way too. Everything after the friendship for us is gravy. Friendship is the foundation. Its solid, firm and lasting. Everything from that is built up, but the foundation is the glue, the friendship is the glue to our relationship.


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## goodgracesbadinfluence (Feb 28, 2011)

*• If you are currently in a relationship, were you friends with that person before you became more, and if so how long were you friends first? What do you think of the experience?*

I'm not currently in a relationship, but I have done this in relationships before. I was decent friends with both of the guys I had long-term relationships with before we dated. I was friends with one for about two years, and friends with the other for about one year. I wasn't particularly close with either of them until we started dating, but like we'd hang out and see movies, grab lunch, etc. 
*
• If you have been friends with someone before becoming more, and had other relationships where you were not friends first, what are your observations of the differences now that those relationships have ended?*
If I was their friend before the relationship, I am still their friend now that it has ended. The guys I've dated that I wasn't really friends with before we dated don't really talk to me anymore, except for one who I occasionally text/talk to on facebook. 

*• Do you have a policy on this subject, for example will you not start a relationship unless you've been friends first, or do you never date friends?
*I prefer to date people I know. I don't want to randomly start dating someone I don't know very well in case they turn out to be creepy/could hurt me/are annoying.


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## Disfigurine (Jan 1, 2011)

I am not interested in dating my friends.

My friends automatically become like family to me, so that would be really weird.

There might be people I am getting friendly with, getting to know, that have potential.
They don't go in friend category.

They go in potential category.


HOWEVER my significant others are my best friends, along with my partner. That's not the same thing


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## Napoleptic (Oct 29, 2010)

MuChApArAdOx said:


> No matter what stage of the relationship, friendship should come first. My husband is my best friend first, then my lover. We treat each other the same way we would treat our other friends. We started off as friends, and will end it that way too. Everything after the friendship for us is gravy. Friendship is the foundation. Its solid, firm and lasting. Everything from that is built up, but the foundation is the glue, the friendship is the glue to our relationship.


I know this stance doesn't work for everyone, but I prefer it - I think all too often couples are so eager to love each other they forget it's important to like each other as well.


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## Monte (Feb 17, 2010)

I could date random people.

Be in a relationship? No.

I don't care either way at all, but I understand the distinction.


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## shadowofambivalence (May 11, 2011)

I prefer to be friends before moving on to a romantic relationship because i feel that it establishes a foundation and makes the the relationship more intimate, and it also helps us to get to know each other and to see weather we would truly want to be together or not, I have used this strategy before and it made the relationship very meaningful and i would use it for a future person i am interested in, but we would have to have to feel the same way for each other for a romantic relationship to come out of it.


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## greenlow (Dec 12, 2009)

I have found that this is extremely important....

1. to develop trust and true bonding (greater intimacy as shadowofambivalance said)
2. so that you actually can see what the person is like outside of the context of being in a relationship
3. toknow that you can get along outside of the context of a relationship, and someone likes and respects you enough to take their time
4. less expectations; things happen more naturally
5. more chance to observe the person when they aren't in "courting mode"
6. build up of sexual tension (+100)
7. I hate "dating" and find the idea of liking someone and -then- getting to know them weird. Yes, i'm attracted to people immediately and know very quickly how close I will want to be with someone. But dating screws this process up
8. I have time to sort out my feelings and the space to take my time to decide whether I want to be in a relationship
9. Shows me they are patient and willing to take time (not pushing to be close too soon i.e. i'm just food for someone elses neediness) 

downside- feelings of all parties can be strung around by the ambiguity, nothing may ever happen because you may get lost in a fantasy of the other person and by the time you take action, they've been swept up by someone else (arguably a good thing).


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## ACR (Jan 17, 2011)

Stephen said:


> • Do you have a policy on this subject, for example will you not start a relationship unless you've been friends first, or do you never date friends?


It's very interesting! Runs contrary to the idea of just 'picking up' dates.

Sorry I can't say much about it as I'm romantically inexperienced. It'll be weird if I already had a policy on such stuff.


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## ACR (Jan 17, 2011)

If I may add a question,


In your experience of dating people who were your friends first, did you actually feel interest in them the first time the two of you met? Like this sense of attraction the first time you saw him/her, even if you never converted that into a date but only into a friendship?


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## greenlow (Dec 12, 2009)

ACR said:


> If I may add a question,
> 
> 
> 
> In your experience of dating people who were your friends first, did you actually feel interest in them the first time the two of you met? Like this sense of attraction the first time you saw him/her, even if you never converted that into a date but only into a friendship?


Personally, I the sparks are either immediately there or not there with someone. I know from the minute I meet them whether I like them or not. It takes me a little longer to asses whether i'm ready to be in a relationship and whether it would be beneficial.


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## Tendency (Aug 18, 2011)

First off, excellent thread!



Stephen said:


> If you are currently in a relationship, were you friends with that person before you became more, and if so how long were you friends first? What do you think of the experience?


In my last relationships, 3 months, 3 months, and 6 months. I'm thinking that I should be friends with my next one for an amount of time, different from 6 as the least common multiple ^.^



Stephen said:


> first, what are your observations of the differences now that those relationships have ended?


First two were extraverts, and the last an introvert (INTJ). I talked a lot more with the introvert because I felt we had more things in common, in particular, science. The extraverts were on pure attraction and they approached me first. I felt more like friends with the extraverts, though. I wasn't as physically attracted to the last one (perhaps being spoiled by the previous 2...oops) but I knew that I was more complemented, intellectually so I gave her a fair chance as best as I could. I ended these relationships because, the first was always wishy-washy with her goals, the second was a rebel without any real goals, and the INTJ was way too content, aka no well-defined goals or a sense of intellectual diversity or depth in anything substantial. They all just had a nasty kind of apathy.



Stephen said:


> Do you have a policy on this subject, for example will you not start a relationship unless you've been friends first, or do you never date friends?


*Friends first can work if:* If you are _really_ going to be someone's friend—and there is a difference. Don't half-ass it, just as some kind of a ritual lest you're striving toward anything ideal (which relationships should constantly strive toward).

I can see that it's good to be friends first because it's also an exercise in getting used to letting things slide and building patience with one another. Yes, one must get to know their S.O., but it's reasonable to remember that you cannot know a person in predicaments that have never happened. This is when that patience blueprint is _most_ trusty. 

I think this might be a good reason *why relationships fail:* _people just don't know how to take care of each other, the way that true friends would._ Someone could argue that this would take too much time to get to know them—but if you understand the basic needs of someone, such an argument appears to lurk in the shadows of weakness and excuse.

In the end, one must define what kind of "friend" a person is to them. _Real_ friendship is rare and it should be cherished as such; not some mere "holding place" before dating (What in the blue hell is this? Purgatory!?). 

Buuuut.... on the contrary, I mean, let's get _real_. If I'm attracted to a girl and she's what I'm looking for, do you honestly think that I would _just_ want to be her friend, watching some other dude make more of some esoteric progress that I've near-fantasized about?? I have better April fool's jokes. This is a friend zone free zone here.


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## PeaceOfMind (Apr 26, 2011)

I prefer being friends first before getting into a relationship. I wouldn't even think of a guy as a potential if he wasn't my friend first. I think the courting rituals and dating make guys put their 'best foot forward', which I don't trust as much as someone who is just himself and is a good friend.


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## Oleas (Jul 22, 2010)

I think verbal foreplay is the best - When things evolve slowly from a short while of friendship/subtle flirting into a relationship. Diving right into it isn't the best, in my opinion, unless there's an instant chemistry and it's too intense to wait. But I definitely like the first option better. Considering being friends for a really long time (or best friends) and then starting something? I'm not sure. I've been thinking about it and it has its pros and cons. It can be pretty awkward, for a start, and there's the possibility of ruining the friendship, but at the same time if you're close friends, you already know what they're like, whether they could be right for you or not, and you know you have good chances of getting along.


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## gurlygurl (Aug 19, 2011)

I'll go out with a guy who I've just met. . . but I rarely, rarely, rarely develop strong feelings for those guys. They're just my distraction of the week. . . . I know, that's bad. =P [Hey, at least I'm honest. They always know they're the distraction of the week so it is a-ok. . . in my book.  ] 

But yeah. . . 

I have a list that a guy that I could be serious about has to meet, and finding out whether he meets them or not generally takes a month or more of friendship. . . but I also have to feel that spark of attraction. So it's kind of rare when I actually develop feelings for somebody. When I do, I usually become super-shy [no idea why. . .] If I don't stop myself I'll go run away into some distant corner. =P It's really bad. I'll usually come out and say something though. It may take me a few weeks, to years. . . . . to actually get the nerve to say anything.


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