# he won't commit, i need help asap :(



## White (Mar 16, 2013)

i'm sorry post so much ranting about my life here :crying:

im confused about my relationship with certain guy, we've known each other for half a year, we text everyday, and we hang out together often.
i like having him around me, i can be my real self, i'm open, we always laugh together, we respect each other, we play, we talk.
i really really like him. at first it felt like he's a true friend of my heart. i just think of him as friend, until my other friend tells me "he might be actually loves you, and wanted something more" and, 

so i told him my conversation with my friend, ask if that's the case. then he reply "no, just can you picture us become bf and gf? i once told you that i prefer to stay be close friend like this, and yet most of relationship always had bad ending, there's always distance"

i was happy he's thinking the same, but the part that he's impossible to be my boyfriend hurt me a little. the next day we're hanging out together, i realize, i don't want him to be close to another girl.

he once said "it will makes me sad if you go to another guy, i want i can be with you always"

so that night i text him "hmm, if you're sad when you lose me and i'm sad when i lose you, why wont we be normal friend, instead of special friend just like now, who never text everyday, so maybe it wont really hurt when we are separated"

then he replied "arent we normal friend since the beginning? but just a bit closer. and i just text you everyday because i want people to see we have a good relationship, and if you had a boyfriend, i feel bad because it means there's a relationship which will be lost. i just want so stay like this, but if you bored texting with me then it's your choice" the point is he is denying that he will be sad if we separated.

so i think, he's selfish, he wants to keep me around him by saying he likes to be with me, but he wont commit.

it's not like i want to commit to him either. he is younger than me.

so after that conversation i shortened my reply to his text. of course i say to him it's not like im bored texting with him.
until he ask "why you become so cold like this? if you bored texting me then just leave the chat and dont reply"

what should i do 

update:
he seemed angry after i reply the text coldly, and ask, why do you distance yourself? do you have any other guy? just tell me


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## Das Brechen (Nov 26, 2011)

"The person who cares the least has the most power."

The situation appears to me as the guy friend is enjoying the emotional validation you give him without any strings attached (maybe physical too?). He told you in plain talk that he doesn't see the point in committing to *you*. He's already getting what he wants, so why should he? This guy is probably getting the best of both worlds right now and probably you and some other women on a string. That's just a guess.

The guy doesn't want to be BF/GF. My suggestion is to cut out the "special time" and set boundaries. Keep it platonic if the situation is not going to escalate. Good luck.


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## White (Mar 16, 2013)

Das Brechen said:


> "The person who cares the least has the most power."
> 
> The situation appears to me as the guy friend is enjoying the emotional validation you give him without any strings attached (maybe physical too?). He told you in plain talk that he doesn't see the point in committing to *you*. He's already getting what he wants, so why should he? This guy is probably getting the best of both worlds right now and probably you and some other women on a string. That's just a guess.
> 
> The guy doesn't want to be BF/GF. My suggestion is to cut out the "special time" and set boundaries. Keep it platonic if the situation is not going to escalate. Good luck.


thank you so much for the advice, i'll keep shortened my reply to his text then


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## White (Mar 16, 2013)

oh and, i dont want to commit to him either, i dont know..
do you think it's the best if we never text as close friend anymore?


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## Das Brechen (Nov 26, 2011)

White said:


> oh and, i dont want to commit to him either, i dont know..
> do you think it's the best if we never text as close friend anymore?


There's nothing wrong with being emotionally intimate with someone. Your feelings are making you confused. Until you can get them sorted out then you should keep the texting light.


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## White (Mar 16, 2013)

Das Brechen said:


> There's nothing wrong with being emotionally intimate with someone. Your feelings are making you confused. Until you can get them sorted out then you should keep the texting light.


thanks for keep replying.
so my feelings for him is like, i like him, i wanna be with him, im gonna be sad if he leave me and go to another girl. But i cant commit to him, he's younger, i dont want wasting my time dating someone i'll never marry. Im scared i cant bear the pain of losing him, when we are much more closer than we are now. So i think it's best if we stop texting, and be a normal friend who never text. Of course we still be friend but not as close as before.. I dont know if doing that would be the right choice..


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## Night & Day (Jul 17, 2010)

@White How old are you two?


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## eydimork (Mar 19, 2014)

Leave people with commitment issues and stop accepting them into your life.


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## White (Mar 16, 2013)

Fine Shrine said:


> @_White_ How old are you two?


Im in university, and he is a highschool student. Two years gap in our age. But i never met anybody understand me as much as he does..


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## White (Mar 16, 2013)

eydimork said:


> Leave people with commitment issues and stop accepting them into your life.


So it means it's better to cut connection with him after all..


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## Night & Day (Jul 17, 2010)

@_White_ I honestly don't think 2 years apart is something to be worried about. What is worrying, is that he's "friendzoning" you. I think you're giving too much of yourself to him, it's like working for someone without getting paid. There's no commitment, he knows of your feelings yet he chooses to ignore them. Instead, he places himself over you by considering his own feelings more than yours, because he wants to remain friends at your expense. I don't think this is fair at all, and of course he's reacting if you choose to put distance between you. He knows he's no longer getting what he wanted for free, he needs to give something in return. So, I think you should continue to put distance between yourselves. Don't give him what he wants, which is a reaction out of you. Keep your communication to a minimum, don't give him too much details about anything. If he gets the hang of it, and asks you why you're acting this way, tell him that it's because it hurts you to be friends with him when you want to be more. If he still refuses to give you a straight answer, I think it's best to move on.


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## White (Mar 16, 2013)

Fine Shrine said:


> @_White_ I honestly don't think 2 years apart is something to be worried about. What is worrying, is that he's "friendzoning" you. I think you're giving too much of yourself to him, it's like working for someone without getting paid. There's no commitment, he knows of your feelings yet he chooses to ignore them. Instead, he places himself over you by considering his own feelings more than yours, because he wants to remain friends at your expense. I don't think this is fair at all, and of course he's reacting if you choose to put distance between you. He knows he's no longer getting what he wanted for free, he needs to give something in return. So, I think you should continue to put distance between yourselves. Don't give him what he wants, which is a reaction out of you. Keep your communication to a minimum, don't give him too much details about anything. If he gets the hang of it, and asks you why you're acting this way, tell him that it's because it hurts you to be friends with him when you want to be more. If he still refuses to give you a straight answer, I think it's best to move on.


He's already asking me why im acting this way, why im so cold, and he said dont be cold like that. And i replied "i dont think im that cold, and you ever told me that, the reason you keep texting me is just because you want other people see how great our relationship is, so i promise we will still be friend"

But i dont mention i want more than friend. It feels i am lose if i admit to him i like him first. I hate the idea of woman who is desperate for love, my ego is too high. And he is the boy, shouldnt he admit it first? Or do you think i really should still give it a try? Im so shy..
im waiting for your reply.. Thank you so much for the advice..


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## eydimork (Mar 19, 2014)

White said:


> So it means it's better to cut connection with him after all..


That's up to you to decide. In my experience, people with commitment issues are a waste of time. They are not principled. They are not reliable. How do you trust someone like that? With hope? I don't jump out of out airplanes without making sure my parachute works first. You might not share that sentiment, now or ever. 

But if it pains you too much, wait, by all means. And, more importantly, if it pains you, go see a psychologist. People on the internet can not help you in the same way that a psychologist can. 

I hope everything works out for you.


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## White (Mar 16, 2013)

eydimork said:


> That's up to you to decide. In my experience, people with commitment issues are a waste of time. They are not principled. They are not reliable. How do you trust someone like that? With hope? I don't jump out of out airplanes without making sure my parachute works first. You might not share that sentiment, now or ever.
> 
> But if it pains you too much, wait, by all means. And, more importantly, if it pains you, go see a psychologist. People on the internet can not help you in the same way that a psychologist can.
> 
> I hope everything works out for you.


Sounds logical and right.


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## Razare (Apr 21, 2009)

You want the right man who you love and loves you, correct?

If this is what you want, just bring your desire to God, and God will make it work out.

Even if you don't exactly believe, give it a try and see what happens.


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## ButterflyWingsNDayDreams (May 4, 2014)

The person who said "Whoever cares the least wins," does have a point that I agree with.
If you're not getting what you want, don't give him what he wants either. Don't just settle. You need to be firm, and say "Listen, what's the deal. Just friends or BF/GF, make a choice." He seems very indecisive. Communication is key in a relationship, so you need to be able to be open about what you want. It's not fair for him to confuse you like this.
If he won't man up and make a decision, friend zone the shit out of him and de-prioritize him, or leave him all together. You need to get the upper hand here, regain a little control.


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## White (Mar 16, 2013)

Razare said:


> You want the right man who you love and loves you, correct?
> 
> If this is what you want, just bring your desire to God, and God will make it work out.
> 
> Even if you don't exactly believe, give it a try and see what happens.


Okay  i believe in God. I know he has better plan, actually i think i can focuse on my study more after im no longer texting with him


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## White (Mar 16, 2013)

ButterflyWingsNDayDreams said:


> The person who said "Whoever cares the least wins," does have a point that I agree with.
> If you're not getting what you want, don't give him what he wants either. Don't just settle. You need to be firm, and say "Listen, what's the deal. Just friends or BF/GF, make a choice." He seems very indecisive. Communication is key in a relationship, so you need to be able to be open about what you want. It's not fair for him to confuse you like this.
> If he won't man up and make a decision, friend zone the shit out of him and de-prioritize him, or leave him all together. You need to get the upper hand here, regain a little control.


Youre right. Yesterday i finally asked him, "do you really think i wont text you because im bored with you? I already told you, i just dont want to see you with another girl. Or do you actually know what i mean all along but you just pretend that you dont know?" Of course it is about my feeling that liking him. But then he never reply to my text anymore.
the conclusion is, he know i liked him but he doesnt care about my feeling at all.
well at least im trying to be honest, i dont regret my decision even now im losing him.

thank you, i feel im regain the control here now, im not a doll which he can play everytime he wants.


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## ButterflyWingsNDayDreams (May 4, 2014)

White said:


> Youre right. Yesterday i finally asked him, "do you really think i wont text you because im bored with you? I already told you, i just dont want to see you with another girl. Or do you actually know what i mean all along but you just pretend that you dont know?" Of course it is about my feeling that liking him. But then he never reply to my text anymore.
> the conclusion is, he know i liked him but he doesnt care about my feeling at all.
> well at least im trying to be honest, i dont regret my decision even now im losing him.
> 
> thank you, i feel im regain the control here now, im not a doll which he can play everytime he wants.


I'm glad you made the right choice. You don't deserve to feel like a doll. You don't deserve to be confused. You deserve someone who isn't afraid to tell you what they really think, and someone who doesn't play mind games with you. I know it can be difficult when someone that you care about slips out of your life, -- But I'm certain that you'll find someone a million times better.


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## White (Mar 16, 2013)

ButterflyWingsNDayDreams said:


> I'm glad you made the right choice. You don't deserve to feel like a doll. You don't deserve to be confused. You deserve someone who isn't afraid to tell you what they really think, and someone who doesn't play mind games with you. I know it can be difficult when someone that you care about slips out of your life, -- But I'm certain that you'll find someone a million times better.


I accidentally met him yesterday, i was gonna make sure it would be the last time we met.
we talked coldly, but something strange happened.
when i want to end our chat and go home, he says something which makes me stay there. And when he wants to end our chat and go home, i say wait, and continue our conversation. When one of us give up talking, somehow the other try to keep the conversation. So we keep talking, even coldly.

until he says 'so what do you want now? Im afraid i might be percept it in a wrong way'
i replied, 'maybe i just want you to get girlfriend quickly, so i can move on'

then he looked very shock and asked 'Move on?'
then i say, 'yeah i dont want you to have any other girl, it's because i love you. But i was rejected yesterday.'
he looked so confused (just like in the movie) . Then suddenly he told me that he actually loves me too and he actually wants to be my boyfriend. But he was afraid i will turn him down, because to him it seems like i am friendzoning him.
and he really think i wont text him anymore, because i have another guy i like. There's actually another guy who is hitting on me lately. He says, he never expected our conversation will turned out this way. Me neither, if we didnt met by accident yesterday, and if i go home first, maybe we will just keep these feelings to ourselves :bored:

so i think you guys already know where this story gonna go..
And.. i really want to thank you for every reply and wise words, i love you guys. Hehe..


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