# How long before you can say "I love you"?



## pinkrasputin (Apr 13, 2009)

Um, since the last guy told me "I love you" on the second date, I'm sort of turned off now to the whole concept of saying "I love you" to anyone except my daughter and other family members.

At this point, I doubt I'd say "I love you" to anyone until after about 2 years. Infatuation can last a whole year and even after that, people can change. I also believe that saying "I love you" in many ways makes people lazy in relationships. Just keep _showing_ me you love me. 

I don't think anyone likes being pressured into saying "I love you" back. It's very creepy and awkward. Another reason why it should wait until you really know each other, can let go of the outcome and expectations, and can be certain what you are feeling is love.


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## GoodOldDreamer (Sep 8, 2011)

I can't decide whether I should be impressed that some have such... strategic planning in this sort of thing, or if I should feel sad that cynicism runs so deep that love is forcibly constrained by such conditions. Obviously to err is human so love can't be truly unconditional, but it can get pretty darn close.

Oh well. To each their own, I suppose. I shall remain... optimistically neutral. *shrug* I've had SOs that said "I love you" practically from the start, and some that didn't say it until after I did, and some in-between. It never bothered me whichever way it came about. They showed their love in action long before they said it. Why be so concerned with words? So... fearful?

Does "I love you" really translate through the ears as "OMG, live with me forever or I'll kill myself now!!!11" or something? Anyway, just wondering out loud.


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## pinkrasputin (Apr 13, 2009)

GoodOldDreamer said:


> I can't decide whether I should be impressed that some have such... strategic planning in this sort of thing, or if I should feel sad that cynicism runs so deep that love is forcibly constrained by such conditions. Obviously to err is human so love can't be truly unconditional, but it can get pretty darn close.
> 
> Oh well. To each their own, I suppose. I shall remain... optimistically neutral. *shrug* I've had SOs that said "I love you" practically from the start, and some that didn't say it until after I did, and some in-between. It never bothered me whichever way it came about. They showed their love in action long before they said it. Why be so concerned with words? So... fearful?
> 
> Does "I love you" really translate through the ears as "OMG, live with me forever or I'll kill myself now!!!11" or something? Anyway, just wondering out loud.


Saying "I love you" very early on is a sign of a fast moving relationship. It is a red flag for a potential abusive relationship. Most abusers will tell their partner "I love you" quickly in order to speed the relationship along. They will push for early commitment in order to move in together before the victim has a chance to really know them and see many other signs that would indicate their partner is dangerous or just not someone they should even be with.

Pacing a relationship is very important in order for two people to move beyond limerence and see who they really have in a partner. Like I said earlier, it's not fun to be pressured into saying "I love you back". 

Many people have healthy reasons why they say it, but many people don't. Time will tell.


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## zelder (Apr 17, 2011)

pinkrasputin said:


> Saying "I love you" very early on is a sign of a fast moving relationship. It is a red flag for a potential abusive relationship. Most abusers will tell their partner "I love you" quickly in order to speed the relationship along. They will push for early commitment in order to move in together before the victim has a chance to really know them and see many other signs that would indicate their partner is dangerous or just not someone they should even be with.
> 
> Pacing a relationship is very important in order for two people to move beyond limerence and see who they really have in a partner. Like I said earlier, it's not fun to be pressured into saying "I love you back".
> 
> Many people have healthy reasons why they say it, but many people don't. Time will tell.



I don't doubt that this is true but certaintly not true of everyone. Lots of good, emotinally healthy people prefer to move fast in relationships. There is no way I would date someone for 2 years before getting married. But, I would't be moving in with her before marriage either. If think 6 months would be max before either cutting ties or moving toward marriage. I don't have sex outside marriage though and I think that changes the whole dating dynamic.


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## redmanXNTP (May 17, 2011)

Promethea said:


> Four months and two weeks, a day and eleven hours, eight minutes, twenty-seven seconds from the time your eyes meet and not one second before!
> (Or when you are sure its not just infatuation.)


You're such a smartass. Please stop it. You're putting me out of a job!


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## Promethea (Aug 24, 2009)

redmanXNTP said:


> You're such a smartass. Please stop it. You're putting me out of a job!


No.

tencharsofnodog.jpg


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## basementbugs (Apr 5, 2012)

My husband (then boyfriend) and I were together for about three months when we first started saying "I love you". We were long-distance at the time and we spoke online and/or on the phone every day, and it was getting almost silly trying to fill that space at the end of the conversation each night with anything other than "I love you". He was the one who said it first, in a video he made early one morning and sent to me before he went to work. I cried when I watched it, haha.

I've never said "I love you" to anyone else, nor had anyone say it to me (obviously not including family and a couple friends), so that's the only experience I have.


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## redmanXNTP (May 17, 2011)

I told my current girlfriend "I love you [name] and you're one of the most beautiful (meaning inside and out) people I've ever met", after one month. 16 months later we're still ecstatic to see each other and talking about our future together. 

We were both 37 years old, divorced, with kids, and we both knew it was just "right". She wanted to say it but sensed I would say it first and waited for me to do it. 

There's no right answer, you just have to go with your heart. As an NT, that's a VERY tough thing to feel comfortable with, but it's the truth.


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## redmanXNTP (May 17, 2011)

Promethea said:


> No.
> 
> tencharsofnodog.jpg


OK. You don't have to be "that way" about it.


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## sleepyhead (Nov 14, 2011)

*So my question is, how long before you can say "I love you"?*
I don't like to be the first one to say it, but the times it's come up, around 5-7 months.
However, the last time I knew after about a month and he said it first after 4 months.

It takes me a couple of years to actually feel comfortable saying it and even now, I'm usually not the first one to say it.

*Is it weird to not have said it to each other after 7 months? *
I think it's a very personal thing. I think 7 months is a pretty healthy time frame. One of the reasons I don't like saying it earlier is because I feel like I need enough time to really trust my feelings.


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## Niji (May 17, 2012)

I don't think it has nothing to do with time but more when it feels right to say it.
I and my beloved said I love you in a emotional way after..hmm... 4 month knowing eachother (we meet on a community) and 1 month knowing eachother irl (meet 3 weekends).


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## CrabbyPaws (Mar 5, 2012)

Say I love you when you're ready.

For some reason I said it to my boyfriend after about a week of meeting him. We weren't even dating.


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## The Unseen (Oct 26, 2010)

Even though I may feel it, I won't say it for _months_, out of the pure and utter fear that I'll scare the other person off. I always wait for them to say it first.

But if they say it too soon, I seriously doubt the validity of it. I'm too skeptical.


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## 4B in a 4H world (Apr 12, 2011)

It's funny, I am so cautious about those three words. I was dating this one guy (ENTJ) for almost two years and we never said we loved each other and now my new boyfriend and I have been together for two months and we say it. I think you say it when you know it's right. I believe love is something you feel in your gut, your heart, your mind and your soul. You'll know when it's really LOVE.


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## Xiong Mao (Apr 19, 2012)

I've never said it...and I'm not sure if I ever will


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