# How to tell your SO they're really gross and repulsive?



## koalaroo (Nov 25, 2011)

@kudi - If she does have an underlying condition (such as hypothyroidism or insulin resistance), before seriously moderating caloric intake and starting an exercise regimen, she needs to see a medical professional ASAP. If there is evidence of an underlying condition, that medical professional needs to get her into an endocrinologist's office and lab ASAP, and that endocrinologist needs to prescribe medication for her as well as refer her to a nutritionist.

Telling most people with hypothyroidism that "less calories in and moderate exercise" is the way to go doesn't actually help a person with that disorder, because it absolutely does not solve WHY there is weight gain or resistance to weight loss in the first place. It can work a little bit, but it often doesn't work like a charm or miracle.

And yes we live in a society or community in which "a bare minimum is expected in how maintain your body and appearence" (appearance, by the way). Really quite unfortunate that society has some of the standards it does in a lot of cases, because it certainly doesn't help people with legitimate disorders.


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## koalaroo (Nov 25, 2011)

Also, "You're disgusting and repulsive" is simply spiteful. "You're sick and need medical help/intervention" is more along the lines of constructive criticism.


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## kudi (Sep 27, 2011)

Either way the end result is a fat cow that the op doesn't want to be associated with and who is currently not looking or unwilling to address her weight problem.


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## Manhattan (Jul 13, 2011)

I believe that he no longer loves her as well, and that it's possible that her weight is simply the easiest target for his frustration. The very way he's discussing the issue shows a huge amount of resentment. It's clear he should break up with her. Since I believe that's rather obvious and it will be pointed out by someone else, I choose to focus on defending against idealism.

After a small amount of research, I'm not seeing any evidence that people with hypothyroidism can't lose weight with calorie counting, simply that it's much more difficult. We all have our challenges. Fat is simply the body's method of storing excess calories. If there's a calorie deficit, the body has no choice but to shed fat (after muscle, to a point. Though a high protein diet can counter that.) 

Anyway, if she tries to lose weight and believes that her progress is so slow that it's indicative of an abnormality, she can see a doctor. (Or try home treatment. Iodine, synthetic thyroid hormones, etc.) If she doesn't, that's nobody's fault but her's. 

Let's not forget that we don't even know if she has a medical issue. The percentage of the population that are completely helpless in their weight loss is either incredibly low or non-existent. 

I can understand that many get discouraged and assume that it's impossible. On the other hand, I believe that we all have an amazing potential that can be reached through small steps at a time and focused effort. You're talking to someone with clinically diagnosed issues that I've worked past on my own, after having psychologists tell me I would be incapable of doing so.


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## reletative (Dec 17, 2010)

where did some of you get your medical information?

Thyroid problems can SERIOUSLY hamper your ability to lose weight. My Sis-in-law has thyroid problems and she works out 90 minutes a day, and still has a belly. She can't lose the weight off her belly, no matter WHAT she eats. 

but anyways, Stu, you don't sound like you want to work it out, you just want to find a way to dump her that's easiest for YOU. In which case, I don't' really care if its easy for you or not. I'm more concerned for your "gross and repulsive" wife who has "given up" and "let herself go" and "made" you to stop loving her. 

Sorry this whole OP sounded pretty awful, dude.


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## koalaroo (Nov 25, 2011)

@Manhattan - You say "Let's not forget that we don't even know if she has a medical issue" but in a way he makes it clear that she does have a medical issue (obesity is a medical issue, her respiratory condition is a medical issue). The thing is, we don't know what it is, and it seems like the OP hasn't discussed health (possibly doesn't want to?) with his wife/SO.

That said, I do agree that the OP needs to find a way to end the relationship ... in the least spiteful way possible.


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## Manhattan (Jul 13, 2011)

Khys said:


> where did some of you get your medical information?
> 
> Thyroid problems can SERIOUSLY hamper your ability to lose weight. My Sis-in-law has thyroid problems and she works out 90 minutes a day, and still has a belly. She can't lose the weight off her belly, no matter WHAT she eats.


People with hypothyroidism that attested to slow weight loss by calorie counting. Your sister in law shouldn't be working out for 90 minutes a day. Working out past approximately 45 minutes typically causes the production of enough cortisol to make an exercise reach diminishing returns. Past that, it's generally downhill. You said she has a belly? That makes sense because cortisol causes weight gain primarily around the midsection. Try looking out for excessively stressed individuals that have a significantly disproportionate weight distribution. 

Slightly off topic: I've heard that power walking is the most efficient way to lose weight, as it doesn't use energy fast enough to tire out the muscles or the cardiovascular system quickly. On the other hand, it looks ridiculous...


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## Manhattan (Jul 13, 2011)

koalaroo said:


> @_Manhattan_  - You say "Let's not forget that we don't even know if she has a medical issue" but in a way he makes it clear that she does have a medical issue (obesity is a medical issue, her respiratory condition is a medical issue). The thing is, we don't know what it is, and it seems like the OP hasn't discussed health (possibly doesn't want to?) with his wife/SO.
> 
> That said, I do agree that the OP needs to find a way to end the relationship ... in the least spiteful way possible.


I meant a medical issue that is resulting in abnormal weight gain. Obesity is obviously caused by weight gain, and the respiratory thing very likely is as well. If so, weight loss will solve those issues.


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## koalaroo (Nov 25, 2011)

@Manhattan - I have never seen or heard of the respiratory issues described by the OP as being totally dependent upon weight (he suggests that her nose is permanently plugged/clogged). This is why I wondered if she was perhaps allergic to something in their home environment or her work environment. In which case, check the air ducts and change the air filter.


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## Manhattan (Jul 13, 2011)

koalaroo said:


> @Manhattan - I have never seen or heard of the respiratory issues described by the OP as being totally dependent upon weight (he suggests that her nose is permanently plugged/clogged). This is why I wondered if she was perhaps allergic to something in their home environment or her work environment. In which case, check the air ducts and change the air filter.


I know of someone that developed sleep apnea after becoming obese. Obesity does not help respiratory issues. From the OP's post, it would also seem that this is a recent issue. If not, holding it against her when he always knew about it is simply cruel. If so, she may have had a minor issue beforehand that wasn't apparent until compounded with the weight gain.


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## reletative (Dec 17, 2010)

Manhattan said:


> People with hypothyroidism that attested to slow weight loss by calorie counting. Your sister in law shouldn't be working out for 90 minutes a day. Working out past approximately 45 minutes typically causes the production of enough cortisol to make an exercise reach diminishing returns. Past that, it's generally downhill. You said she has a belly? That makes sense because cortisol causes weight gain primarily around the midsection. Try looking out for excessively stressed individuals that have a significantly disproportionate weight distribution.
> 
> Slightly off topic: I've heard that power walking is the most efficient way to lose weight, as it doesn't use energy fast enough to tire out the muscles or the cardiovascular system quickly. On the other hand, it looks ridiculous...


i take it back. you have more medical information than i do.


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## sprinkles (Feb 7, 2010)

I ask where's the "everyone is beautiful" brigade?

Why aren't they up in here representing? They should get on this shit before it gets cold.


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## STU KATZ (May 28, 2011)

Thanks for all your ideas. Some of you have good insight into people and issues. Some of you do. Some of you please stop jumping to conclusions, please. Maybe it isn't my evaluation to make, but I and everyone around me believes me not to be a shallow person.

I have been handling all the medical stuff, financial and emotional support, hospital visits, suicide threats, lack of self-care, lack of self-esteem, self-hate, and taking it all upon my self to support. Who can do that? Who could let someone handle to that all on their own, with out trying to take the problems on themselves? I read every place that 75% of marriages with chronic illnesses end in divorce. It's a bit hard to believe but that number is all over the place. Please stop focusing on the weight, which is easiest to see as an issue, maybe because anything else is not familiar to a lot of people. There are a lot of beautiful heavy people, including this one.

So I tried the 'health' angle, and it just makes them angry and feeling patronized, I am sure that if the shoe was on the other foot she'd have a great deal to say to me.

Ever be around someone who chews really loudly? With their mouth open? That kind of thing (maybe not this person). The point I wanted to make at the start was that some of the frustration and resentment come from habit, physical annoyances, that after a while maybe youcan't put up with anymore. That stuff. How do you handle it when there's s omuch more negative than positive?


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## Thalassa (Jun 10, 2010)

Do you work out yourself? If you were the athletic type, you may have been able to help and encourage her before it got to this extreme. You could have encouraged her to exercise with you. Just notice your own exercise and eating habits before you wander into the neighborhood of "repulsive." If you are aware of your health, then I'm not sure how you ended up with an individual who values their fitness so poorly. I've tended to notice that similar types end up together, like they're both lazy or both smoke, so don't think I'm just judging you, but it's something I've noticed.

So now that that's out of the way, there's three issues here:

First of all, she is obviously so obese that it is a major health problem. Wheezing and stuff is NOT OKAY. You need to broach it from the standpoint of her health. You need to say things like "you are going to get sick and possibly die." From this standpoint, you can avoid the sexual attractiveness aspect of it for the time being, because to me it sounds like her health is of primary importance.

Secondly, I understand your disgust with someone who neglects their health to this degree. I wouldn't want to be married to someone like that either. That being said, I'm questioning how healthy your own lifestyle is if her health got this bad before your head imploded and you ranted on the Interwebz.

Third, your hostility is noted, and it does seem like you don't love her even as a person. Maybe you're just frustrated, but I think the reason why people are responding to you negatively because your first statement (the title) is not that your SO is very unhealthy and morbidly obese and possibly suffering from severe alarming health problems, but that she is "disgusting."

Gotta work on that.


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## Thalassa (Jun 10, 2010)

STU KATZ said:


> Thanks for all your ideas. Some of you have good insight into people and issues. Some of you do. Some of you please stop jumping to conclusions, please. Maybe it isn't my evaluation to make, but I and everyone around me believes me not to be a shallow person.
> 
> I have been handling all the medical stuff, financial and emotional support, hospital visits, suicide threats, lack of self-care, lack of self-esteem, self-hate, and taking it all upon my self to support. Who can do that? Who could let someone handle to that all on their own, with out trying to take the problems on themselves? I read every place that 75% of marriages with chronic illnesses end in divorce. It's a bit hard to believe but that number is all over the place. Please stop focusing on the weight, which is easiest to see as an issue, maybe because anything else is not familiar to a lot of people. There are a lot of beautiful heavy people, including this one.
> 
> ...


Okay, I'm sorry, I should have read this before I made my post.

It sounds like you're married to a hypochondriac who expects a full-time baby sitter. That is a mental problem, not a physical one. 

Have you even broached the subject that if she cared about YOU then she'd want to be healthy and attractive for you?

She sounds insanely selfish from what you wrote here. This is a lot deeper than "my wife looks disgusting." 

I think you have every right to separate or divorce her, but I strongly advocate you get her into some psychiatric care before you do so, like don't just dump her.


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## Brian1 (May 7, 2011)

Grow a heart, then you'll be able to love your wife. I can see you are ISTP. I'm ESTP. Our Ti is doing rational things, but sometimes you need an Fe or Fi to emerge to your Ti. I'm not saying this is true for every type under the sun, but for you it is. If you married your spouse because she has the perfect body, you basically wanted a trophy wife. And now that trophy wife is gone. And now you have to be the one that asks yourself, what is marriage supposed to be about? I would think about that before going to think about what is the best way to dump a physical unattractive and disabled person? Find the beauty in learning to love a disabled person. 



STU KATZ said:


> I need advice. Let me tell start by telling you a story.
> 
> I'll start with one person (let's call them "me"), and another person (let's call them "her") who coupled up (let's pretend they're married, not like they the way they did when they were shacking up before, but married, for the sake of this story).
> 
> ...


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## Brian1 (May 7, 2011)

I agree also with @fourtines second post. She needs to be in a loving environment.


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## Up and Away (Mar 5, 2011)

K.

1) Looks are just one factor in a relationship. Consider how you would feel like without her, a year later, with no one to share your thoughts with that knows the "deep you."

Its something youll want in future relationships, and you'll miss it. That being said, be more open to my next point perhaps.

2) Ya can never bring up the weight and get away with it. Women, have eating disorders and self image issues so high that, I'm not sure they will ever get over the fact that you said something. In fact, even if you never say anything, if you aren't having sex, or complimenting her, she might already be bitter and think you dont accept her.

3) What you can do, is take walks with her. Not for her looks, but just to "feel good." Enjoy nature, smell the breeze, the trees, see all the things to see, feel the muscled work in a light but exercising manner. Get those good shoes, drink that good water, prepare that good food.

You've got to man up and take care of it dawg, because she obviously needs some help with it. Number 3 would be positive reinforcement. Holding off compliments is punishment, and only giving compliments when she works out or eats well is negative reinforcement.

The most results tend to be had with positive reinforcement.

So the issue usually isn't the person working out.

Its that the other person cant get over the pride fact that the other person wouldnt "just workout" because we wanted them to.

Problem is, some people dont have the same goals in lives.

But working together, it can work. Taking charge of creativity with some aspects, can have that come into fruition.

And just remember that you've have no one that understands the deepest part of you if it went to shit.

I might be projecting a bit of my own older issues on you though.

Oh, if you do say something like that, or use the "it will make sex hotter" way of saying it or something.

Admit its because of your own shallowness.

Now, there is nothing wrong with being shallow at times. It brings us together at first, and afterall, who wants to swim in anything but shallow water when at the ocean?

But... you dont want to end up like me bro. Do it right, give yourself a few years to get to the goal you want. Take up meditation and fix your life in the mean time. Long term goals homie... or ya might end up like me. Made a fuckin mistake, now shes in love with someone else instead of marrying me.


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## dagnytaggart (Jun 6, 2010)

By handing her the divorce papers.

Seriously, why should she have to be stuck with you if you think so low of her?

EDIT: Read the addendum. And yeah, she's not in a good mental state. It's not good for her, it's not good for you. If you're inclined, upon parting, you can always offer to stay friends with her.

Though I honestly think a clean break would be better. Any link to toxic people seems to find a way to infect. Do leave her kindly, and with resources for help though.


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## dagnytaggart (Jun 6, 2010)

kudi said:


> @koalaroo
> I'm with Manhattan, less calories in and moderate exercise, something as simply as walking will result in weight loss. Even if she does have a condition that's no excuse to be sloopy and let it all go. We live in a community, a bare minimum is expected in how maintain your body and appearence, you and the people around you are passed judgement by those criteras.


I'm 5'11 and 98 lbs. My friend is 5'7 and 137 lbs. I had her eat, exercise and sleep exactly like me for a month - and she lost *no* body fat, *no* inches, and *gained* a pound.

I don't eat junk, either.

Breakfast- Oatmeal, tea, fruit
Snacks- almonds
Lunch- a bunch of fruit, nuts, and these fig bars
Dinner- a salad with the works: salmon, olives, avocados, etc.
Dessert- more fruit or coconut milk ice cream

She had the same portions too. So I hate when people judge, because some people are not meant to be 98 lbs.


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