# Is my ENFJ boyfriend emotionally manipulating me?



## PatronusPenguin98 (Jan 28, 2018)

Is my ENFJ boyfriend manipulating my emotions? 
Hello! This is my first post and I was really hoping I could get some advice for my relationship. I feel uncomfortable talking about this with people I know personally. (Also I’m sorry for my crappy writing skills lol)

So my boyfriend is an ENFJ and we’ve been dating for about a year and a half. I really love him and he has a lot of great qualities but I’ve been really concerned about our relationship. He has put a lot of pressure on me to do things I don’t believe in. I know I have a lot of convictions but he makes me sacrifice them all the time. 

In the past, if he thought I was going to break up with him (which I wasn’t) he would become suicidal. After that, it got to the point where he would act suicidal purely because I was upset about something he did. I then began to realize it was most likely a manipulative tactic. I have a sore spot for someone playing suicidal for personal gain because of my past depression. I began to see that it was like he was putting on an act. Is that a sign of an unhealthy ENFJ?
I would really love boundaries in our relationship but he just doesn’t take no as an answer. Like how I didn’t want him to physically touch me in a certain way but he would freak out at me and tell me that other girls would do it. I always give in to his demands. He seems to care mostly about sensual gratification rather than my feelings. 
His jealousy also really concerns me. He used to get mad if a guy just made small talk with me. He pushed me away from having friends. I had friends that were girls but he got really upset that I spent any time with them which wasn’t very much to begin with. I really want to be with him but sometimes i feel so trapped and unhappy. I would really love To know if he’s an unhealthy ENFJ or something else?


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## UberY0shi (Nov 24, 2016)

PatronusPenguin98,

GET OUT. 

Yeah, he's manipulative alright, at the cost of your emotional well-being too. 

Seems like you really care for him. Ask yourself:

Another month, 6 months, 18 months down the road, assume nothing changes, is the good worth the bad? Little contact with friends, suicidal manipulation, broken boundaries? What kind of self esteem would you have, regardless of how much you want to be with him? Consider yourself first, not him. Love isn't and shouldn't be enough for you. Respect and trust are important too, neither of which he seems to demonstrate toward you.

Not enough information to tell if he is unhealthy ENFJ but honestly it might not matter... 

Wishing you the best.


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## clem (Jun 10, 2017)

That sounds pretty bad. I hope he doesn’t become violent. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Supercav (Mar 5, 2013)

Sorry, but the minute you said ENFJ I said "yup" :dry:


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## Kynx (Feb 6, 2012)

Sounds like he's manipulating you, yes.
@WickerDeer what do you think about this?


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

It sounds really unhealthy that he threatens suicide every time he thinks you may leave, or when you get upset. He does sound manipulative too.

It's important that you do keep having friends or others you can talk to about his behavior, because otherwise your isolation could feed into his control over you, as he will be the only one giving you feedback about your relationship and yourself. It could create a really unhealthy dynamic that allows him to manipulate you/control you more and more.

You seem like you are fairly young--do you have a counselor you could talk to about it? Like maybe a school counselor? I think it would be helpful for you to be able to openly talk about it with someone you trust.

You should definitely be able to have friends too--and it is not your responsibility if he chooses to threaten suicide. He needs to be able to help himself--you can always call authorities to protect him from committing suicide, but you should not be expected to change all your behavior and deny your needs and feelings in order to prevent his becoming suicidal.

I've never been with a partner who threatened suicide, so looked up an article--so this is copy pasted from Wikipedia. This is pretty much what you can do for a suicidal person, and then you can also call 911 if they seem to be in danger of doing it right then. But ultimately, he does need to be able to seek help, and it is unfair for him to put the responsibility on you. 



*Help the person find the resources they need. Find a suicide hotline that your boyfriend or girlfriend can call for support. Encourage them to talk to a therapist or counselor, and help them find contact information for mental health services in your area.[SUP][8][/SUP]

In the U.S., the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline can be reached at 1-800-273-8255. This hotline is free, confidential, and staffed around the clock.[SUP][9][/SUP]
Crisischat.org is an online text-based alternative to phone hotlines. Trained experts are available from 2 PM to 2 AM, Monday through Sunday.[SUP][10][/SUP]
Wikipedia has a list of suicide crisis lines for countries outside the U.S.[SUP][11][/SUP]
[SUP]
@PatronusPenguin98
[/SUP]

*


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## stormgirl (May 21, 2013)

Yes, he is both emotionally manipulating you and abusing you!

Whatever good qualities you think he has can’t possibly be worth being treated that way.

Please get out as soon as possible. This will not just get better one day. I can guarantee it will only get worse.

If you honestly think he may take steps to harm himself if you break up with him, call the police. They can do a welfare check, and if necessary take him to the hospital for a psychiatric assessment/hold if necessary.

He is in no position to be in a relationship with anyone until he seeks help for his behaviors.

This is not a situation where you can slowly try to break up with him. The more you try, the worse his behavior will get, and the more desperate he’ll get to keep you in his clutches.

You need to make a complete and utter clean break from him. For your safety, you shouldn’t do it in person. He will likely immediately threaten to kill himself, at which time you can call the police. After that, it is entirely up to him if he is going to change.

It’s not your responsibility to fix him.

Sadly, I’ve met very few INFPs that will stand up for themselves and leave an abusive relationship. Hopefully you’re not like other INFPs I’ve known, and will still be miserable and with him 10 years from now.

Ask yourself seriously if a friend came to you with this exact situation, how would you advise them? I doubt you would say stay with him, and get used to being manipulated and abused!

Care enough about yourself to end it, and walk away.


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## Lady of Clockwork (Dec 14, 2017)

PatronusPenguin98 said:


> Is that a sign of an unhealthy ENFJ?


It's not a sign of a healthy anybody.

I've only had one person in my life who would resort to such dramatic effects, and he was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). If any type, he would have been ESTP. His behaviour is really the only experience I can go by.



> His jealousy also really concerns me. He used to get mad if a guy just made small talk with me. He pushed me away from having friends. I had friends that were girls but he got really upset that I spent any time with them which wasn’t very much to begin with. I really want to be with him but sometimes i feel so trapped and unhappy. I would really love To know if he’s an unhealthy ENFJ or something else?


I am not going to analyse his behaviour. If you want to stay with him, then don't show sympathy where it's not needed. It makes you vulnerable for further manipulation -- truth be told, however, you shouldn't have to "guard" yourself from your partner. If you want to talk to your guy friends, then tell your boyfriend that that's what you're doing, there is no need to get protective. If you want to spend time with any friends, then tell him that's what you're doing; ask him if he wants to join, and if he refuses the offer, then go by yourself.

You say you love him. Are you sure it's not infatuation? Nobody should feel "trapped and unhappy" with their partner. You need to pluck the courage and confront him with your concerns. If he cannot take them seriously and has no desire to change himself, then you're best to leave and find happiness elsewhere, because the way he makes you feel is only going to get worse. Maybe he does need help, your help, but sitting back and allowing this behaviour to go on and on is simply not going to work. Somebody is going to get hurt.


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## entheos (Aug 18, 2013)

Yes.
That's emotional manipulation. Speaking from my past experiences with other unhealthy NFs. This is not just an ENFJ thing.


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## VinnieBob (Mar 24, 2014)

run as fast as you can
and don't look back
next time he says he will kill himself ask him how
then stay focused on the question
he will try to turn it around


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## incision (May 23, 2010)

Do either or both ring bells?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Isolation_to_facilitate_abuse

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse


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## Quiet Is The New Loud (Oct 10, 2017)

I do feel that your ENFJ boyfriend is emotionally manipulating you. It is better for you that you get out of the relationship and keep away from him. Try to avoid toxic people in your life. You should try avoid being very close with him. Don’t depend only on him for your happiness. You will be fine without him, don’t worry. You do deserve to be happy. There is nothing wrong in being single. It is better to be single than being with the wrong person. You will find the right guy in the future don’t worry. I really do encourage using the suicide hotline number or calling 911. Seek professional counseling in this situation.


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## TuesdaysChild (Jan 11, 2014)

Don't walk. Run. Like, yesterday.

I'm 36 years old and an INFP. I have both used these same tactics on others (when I was much younger and, thankfully, to a less dramatic degree) and I've had these tactics used on me. Your intuition is not wrong. I know you're worried that it is wrong, but it's not.

Go. Now.


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## frankfurtboi (Feb 3, 2018)

Im an ENFJ and...I think he's really VERY unhealthy. The best you can do for you and him is to leave him and protect yourself. Don't talk to him better. Make sure to take him out of your life for good. Despite his personality, all personality types can have personality disorders. He seems to be having one now and seems it can get even worse for you both. Im so sorry u.u


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## Dissenter (Jul 31, 2017)

PatronusPenguin98 said:


> Is my ENFJ boyfriend manipulating my emotions?
> Hello! This is my first post and I was really hoping I could get some advice for my relationship. I feel uncomfortable talking about this with people I know personally. (Also I’m sorry for my crappy writing skills lol)
> 
> So my boyfriend is an ENFJ and we’ve been dating for about a year and a half. I really love him and he has a lot of great qualities but I’ve been really concerned about our relationship. He has put a lot of pressure on me to do things I don’t believe in. I know I have a lot of convictions but he makes me sacrifice them all the time.
> ...


He sounds like a real douchebag. Dump his ass.


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## Vivid Melody (Apr 25, 2011)

Some of his behavior sounds like my INFJ friend's first boyfriend who was an unhealthy INTP. It could be unhealthy inferior or tertiary Fe too (xSTP's and xNTP's). Generally, I do associate Fe more with emotional manipulation like that but in reality, any type can be emotionally manipulative - especially if they're narcissistic or whatever else.

More importantly, I agree with the others' comments in that he sounds like a total asshole and I think you should leave him. I can't imagine any redeeming qualities that you see he has making his abusive behavior towards you okay. It doesn't sound like a healthy dynamic by any means. If you can't bring yourself to leave him for you, then think of it this way - you're only enabling his abusive behavior by staying with him which in the grand scheme of things hurts not only you but him as well.


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## Llyralen (Sep 4, 2017)

The behavior you are describing could be unhealthy behavior in any type. They always say isolating someone is the first step to physical abuse. Since he talks suicide whenever you need something changed, you are already being emotionally abused. Get out of there, please.


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## Westy365 (Jun 21, 2012)

Leave him and never go back! He's insecure, and selfish, and very much bad news!


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## Katie Tran (Apr 8, 2017)

"Is my *ENFJ* boyfriend emotionally manipulating me?"

Yup.


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## ThirdArcade (Aug 1, 2010)

I agree that he is manipulating you! Don't let this behaviour continue. I see some major major red flags of a purely unhealthy individual. Forget typology, he is just plain and simple unhealthy. It's going hurt you in the long run. He needs professional help to explore some deeper issues. I know you want to help & be a the kind person you are, but you don't deserve to be treated this way.


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