# How to become more charming and less harsh? Person lessons?



## The Proof (Aug 5, 2009)

Hey,

My life has been pretty lousy, just one pain after another, lies and deceit at every turn, fights/beatings, neglect, isolation, no real father-figure to speak of and other BS, which over time has made me a harsh, hateful, depressed and critical person, also very aggressive and selfish at times.

So I ask you the most sensitive (IMO) of all the major types for help, is there a guide for being a more friendly/charming and "positive" kind of person? *expects people to suggest religion*

Because the person I am now I don't like at all and every day is just working for a paycheck.

I want to be a decent person again, someone who is attractive and positive and that other people will enjoy being with.

Please help, I am lost.


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## funcoolname (Sep 17, 2011)

I'm sorry you've been through so much, and I think it's wonderful you're trying to change for the better - it's very brave  Do you feel like you've worked through the things in your past? In situations where it's not necessary, try to do away with the inner critique voice. Remember that you don't know what a person's story is, just like they don't know what yours is - you don't know what they've been through, what experiences have colored their worldview for better or worse. This should allow you to view people less judgmentally and feel more generous towards them. This has been the way I try to approach people and although I'm cautious, I think I'm a pretty positive and loving person. Gratitude is big, too, if you reflect on how lucky you are to have whatever good thing/person is in your life, especially when you feel on the verge of taking them for granted it can make a huge difference and it makes you want to give back. Trust people until they give you a reason not to, this is hard but worth it. Just notice the red flags when they come up and distance yourself from a person who doesn't treat you (or others) well or respect your boundaries, it doesn't need to be a huge ordeal. Good luck!


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## Lost in Oblivion (May 27, 2011)

The first thing is to not carry the weights of your past upon you. Do not allow yourself to continue suffering for what you cannot change. As you release your bitterness, forgive those who wronged you, and ultimately forgive yourself, you will find that you can rekindle yourself anew.

Happiness is lightweight...an unforgiving nature is not. Do not forget that you are not the only one who is carrying the weight; when you interact with others, they help carry the weight that is already on your back. If you are carrying heavy burdens, it becomes tiring for those who help you carry it; if you carry feathers, others will not have to worry about that.

Learn to love yourself...do not change yourself for other people, change yourself for _you_. We all have our share of scars and traits that do not fit up to our own standards, but the flaws make us who we are. If we did not see them, we would forget what knowledge they have brought us.

You are lost in a forest, and the egress you seek is where you stand.


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## bellisaurius (Jan 18, 2012)

I'm afraid you're going to be stuck in a loop. There might be ways to be more charming and less harsh, but they kinda have to start with you. Have you always been hard on yourself?


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## Ryosuke93 (Feb 29, 2012)

"The Practice of Loving Kindness: A Guide to Spiritual Fulfillment and Social Harmony by Vincent Ryan Ruggiero"

This book helped me to become more kinder and to feel more connected with others. It is a book for anyone, no matter if they have religion or not. It has practical suggestions and is filled with personal stories of kindness that hopefully can inspire others to live a more positive life. I like this author because he is very logical and realistic too. He writes many "critical thinking" books as well.

Here is a quote (from one page of quotes that are secular) showing there is a universal ideal of respect, empathy and charity.

"We should conduct ourselves towards others as we would have them act towards us."
-Aristotle

Maybe this book would be helpful to you too.


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## The Proof (Aug 5, 2009)

Lost in Oblivion said:


> You are lost in a forest, and the egress you seek is where you stand.


you are so right, I had a very soft kind of day today at work and whenever I wanted to get angry for any reason (it's a nice place to work but it's demanding) I just stopped to relax, loosen up and so I didn't feel any pain

some of my colleagues weren't doing so well and I wasn't mean or sarcastic to them or anything (in my mind, I'd never actually say anything)

I believe being softer is also affecting my taste in clothing and music, I used to play stuff like Eisbrecher to plough through the work, I also don't wear suits at work anymore, few people here wear them, actually

it must be one of those far-eastern sayings "bend instead of break" etc.

I don't feel great, but I'm OK, I'll just take it slowly

thank you all for contributing, you're all very right


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## Agape (Jan 22, 2012)

The Proof said:


> Hey,
> 
> My life has been pretty lousy, just one pain after another, lies and deceit at every turn, fights/beatings, neglect, isolation, no real father-figure to speak of and other BS, which over time has made me a harsh, hateful, depressed and critical person, also very aggressive and selfish at times.
> 
> ...


First kudos to you for recognizing that you have a problem . That's an adult way of tackling the problem. Most people like to blame others for their own shortcomings. When you take this attitude you are ready to make some positive changes at the source of the problem: oneself.

A list of things you could do from the top of my head:
-Start seeing you in a new light: You are already charming and kind it is that you haven't express yet that part of you. If you see it that way this journey will be more easy.
-Talk less and listen more:The simple act of listening to others can mean the whole world to someone when they are having a bad day. You didn't even need to give advise just sincere attention. There is joy in self-expression.
-Do nice things for others without any expectations. If could be very simple things, for example bringing someone a glass of water without asking. If is the little things that count at the end of the day.
-Give honest compliment to others. Remember the honesty, don't say nice things if you don't mean them.
-Accept people as they are. Don't try to change others, accept and love them as they are.
-When possible touch others. Every time you touch other people in a friendly non-sexual/threating way, you start to establish bonds with them thanks to the cuddle hormone called oxytocin.All of the things in this list with the exception of the first one trigger the release of oxytocin and that's the secret behind everlasting relationships.

You are already a good person even if you don't feel like this. I can tell that because you want to change and be a source of inspiration and optimist to others. It will be hard at first to let go all the crap that you have accumulate along the years but it is possible . Your life and you are meant to be so much more and deep down you know this. I don't have doubts that you will succeed. Life ,if you keep pushing forward, will just get better from now on.


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## note4note (May 1, 2010)

I can relate to what you wrote. You might try mindfulness. It's one of the things I'm working on in The Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Skills Workbook by Matthew McKay, Jeffrey Wood and Jeffrey Brantley, for sale on Amazon.com. There is loads of practical information to help you be at peace with yourself and others. I highly recommend it.


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## OrangeAppled (Jun 26, 2009)

I agree that you need to change how you view yourself. 

- Start imaging yourself being a nice person. You have the desire & ability to distinguish what is charming/nice & what is not, which is a good starting point. This says a lot; it says that at core, you have good motives. Acknowledge these good traits & desires so that you can nourish them. When you focus on your flaws, it's like you're creating an identity around them. That's not to say that noting a flaw is not important (you don't want to be arrogant or in denial), but dwelling on it is not productive. You want to think, "These traits are not me, just bad habits. I am really the nice, charming, likable person. I'm going to develop XYZ habits which display my true self better."

- Accept that you have some flaws & may be an "unusual" person (as INTPs often are). What you have to offer as a friend, workmate, partner, etc, can be very different from others, but that doesn't make it worth less. As long as you don't fall into the "elitist" pit, then this thinking is usually helpful in overcoming insecurities which lead to an ugly disposition. You have to balance healthy self-criticism with self-acceptance so your self-esteem isn't shattered, or else you may begin to believe the false belief that you're just bad & not capable of change for the better.

- Work on empathizing. Think, "If I were X person, and I was in their situation & felt as they felt right now, then what would that feel like?". You can draw on your own experience of such a feeling or attempt to vividly imagine it, but don't make the mistake of seeing things in terms of how you'd respond. Instead, attempt to recreate their feeling in you, so that you can understand how they are affected. This helps you to be sensitive to others who have different soft spots than you. This will help you adjust your demeanor to be more kind & appealing to others.

- Work on sympathizing. As you being to consider & understand how others feel & how this is valid (even if you would never feel or act that way), then you should begin to develop genuine stirrings of compassion. Allow this to affect your demeanor & actions. FYI, this works for positive situations too, so you can share more easily in others' positive feelings & expressions.

- Be aware of what is appropriate & polite & likable. Observe other people without comparing yourself to them. Just _note_ when they say/do something others respond to positively & what _you_ respond to positively in them. Then begin to work this into your own behavior. When you have a genuine desire to do something, now you have a blueprint for how to act on it in a way that will be understood & appreciated. 

- Look for the good in others & in situations. Give people more credit, the benefit of the doubt, and verbalize positive thoughts you have.
If you take a critical eye to everything/everyone, then you'll constantly be unhappy, harsh, in a bad mood, and that will come across. This will also give you a greater desire to be nice/charming because you'll value people/things more.

- All of this begins in the mind, with replacing harmful thoughts with helpful ones. Then, it moves to behavior. Basically, you are replacing old habits with new, better ones. 

Hope some of that helps. I can be a grouchy person, so this is something I've had to work on as well.


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## skylit (Feb 17, 2012)

i used to have a great book on flirting that described it as a "gentle chase." it wasn't about trying to get laid but learning how to be playful and fun. i loaned it to a friend and it never came back. le sigh. i'm sure there are some good flirting books out there.


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## Blickwinkel (May 15, 2012)

Kind of a late post, but I feel your frustration man. I went through a lot in high school and it lead to me going through a very deep depression. And honestly, I do still struggle with it some. I'm still overly self-critical and critical of others at times. There are plenty of times when I feel like I've lost my humanity or that I simply do not or cannot connect with anyone anymore. I feel like an empty shell on my bad days. Lately I feel like I've become too serious, like I'm just not any fun to be around any more. Its one of those things that it comes and goes.

I hope you've already started making progress since you made this topic. From my experience, it takes time to change. As you said, take it slowly. You won't change over night or even over the course of a year. It takes a while to truly change, but you can do it. And some things will never go away. You still will have to live with the memories of your rough life. Sometimes it may get to you. Thats part of it. If you want, I'd be glad to go through it with you however I can. I know what its like.


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## septemberdawn (Dec 10, 2011)

The Proof, by asking this question, you prove yourself to be what you are seeking. The ANGER is getting in the way. You survival until a certain point required your anger but now it is getting in the way of your happiness. I know because I have been there.

I have tried so many self-help books, religion, counselling, philosophy, etc. It wasn't until I got into trauma counselling that I FELT better. It took 6 months of intense trauma conselling, loads of hard work, brutal honesty (on my part) and constant committment.

For the first time in my life I feel like I am the person God designed me to be. I am not perfect. I still have alot of anger but I know my healing process will take years. I look at it like this : If someone was in a car accident and were really hurt, say a spinal cord injury or a brain injury, we would not expect their healing to be done in a short amount of time, or even by the time they were released from the hospital. 

So why can't we have the same compassion for our internal injuries. That's what they are internal injuries. You are not broken. You are not weak. You are not defective. You are HURT and hurt can be HEALED. YOU ARE GOING TO BE OK.

I want to hug you and tell you that I am sorry that you were hurt. I want to help you feel safe enough to let go of you self-defense mechanisms. I want to help you in any way I can because I know how alone you feel.

You are brave. You are strong. I am proud of you.


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## Ikari_T (Apr 10, 2012)

Hang out with different people. Listen to them talk, figure out how they work. Laugh whenever you think something is funny. Be silent when your opinion will raise arguments. It's all about being positive. Give advice or criticize only to those who are very close to you. For all others, constantly give complements whenever you see the opportunity. Get them to like you. Hang out with them more often. Take calculated risks in conversations. Don't be afraid to make mistakes. Few mistakes doesn't end friendship. Apologize when you know you messed up. Never blame others.


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## Bear987 (May 13, 2012)

@The Proof

Working for a pay check isn't that bad; most of us get by that way. In fact, it might serve as a good conversation starter. Also, I would advice you to stay away from organized religion. Turning the other cheek and treating others the way you wish to be treated are one thing - well, they're two things, but institutionalized faith comes with too many undesirable side-effects. That's just my opinion, of course.

Actually, it is very hard for me (and I guess it is for all of us) to tell you how you can become a more agreeable person. We could all list what nice or polite people would be like, but whether you are capable of all these things remains unclear. Therefore, the only thing I will advice you is to take baby steps by focussing on one or two people to be nicer to.

Take into account, that most people - even the friendliest ones - aren't sharing their niceness with the whole world. Mother Theresa was a wonderful person, but she didn't make any difference in my life. I never met her. So pick one or two people who mean something to you and set yourself some realistic short term goals.

Those goals could include a conversation where you show interest in someone else's life e.g. their family, mood or life goals. Remember what the other person told you, so you can pick up the conversation again at a later time. Other goals could include inviting someone over or to get coffee together.

The theory behind my advice is that learning on the job works wonders. In order to become a more agreeable person, you should start participating in activities that require you to act in a nice or polite way in order to succeed.


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## Bago (Aug 30, 2011)

Show people the best of yourself always, but if you want to go one step ahead of that, then try to find situations or circumstances where your skills or personality will help someone else, and it is in the most needed time etc.

For example, 
http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m630hsidYc1rzu8v7o1_1280.png

intp = ti-ne-si-fe ?

so, you can internally think quickly. this helps in certain situations whereby logic is required to assess the situation.


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