# Extroverted Parents Trying To Change Their Introverted Child



## Epicglitch (Jun 13, 2014)

Summer vacation! The best time of the year for a kid in school... Right... Well not for me. You see my ENFJ (I am an INTP) mother always tries to make me more extroverted (I am already outgoing because of they way she raised me) and summer seems to be when she does this the most, she always tells me to go outside (I'm generally ok with this) but she doesn't just want me to be outside, no, she wants me to constantly be with/make friends WHILE I'm outside.

Her way of enforcing this is taking so-called "screen time" (i.e. Computer, TV, Phone,) EVEN if its educational, so my natural response was. "I will just read books on the topics I'm interested in instead." she responded with a swift "It doesn't work that way." 

She used to make it look like she was just limiting my screen time but now she has admitted she is trying to make me more social, my mother is such an extrovert she doesn't even understand the very concept of introversion, and believes that being liked by people/making friends are the two most important things on this planet. She is now even getting to the point where she tells me "Turn off your brain for a change! on a daily basis, earlier today she told me to "stop reading Wikipedia for a change and go hang out with your friends and talk about NORMAL boy things like cars and girls." But to make things even worse every time I challenge one of these ideas she either responds with "GOD YOUR SO ARGUMENTATIVE" or even worse "I am your mother and I overrule everything you say, therefore you will never win this debate!"

Please give me some suggestions on how to fix this issue, I will be very thankful!

(Note: Please excuse any lack of punctuation or any bad grammar I am typing this very fast and do not have time to look it over because I don't want my mother to see this)

Oh, and I frogot to mention that my mother claims that she wants me to have a balanced life, But yet my brother once went out from 3:30-8:30 only coming back for 30min at 5:30 for supper, and she was very, very happy for him.


Sincerely,
Epicglitch


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

I have a feeling that's where I'm headed. I can't really give any suggestions though.


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## teletubbierojo (Oct 2, 2013)

the other day my mom was talking with her family about me and that i dont talk, i felt sad :/ i felt like she consider that is bad


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## GundamChao (Jun 17, 2014)

The best I can advise is to reach her through her emotions. Make good use of the fact that she's a Feeling type.

Make sure you're not abstaining from necessary social interaction, but otherwise you shouldn't have to take this forcefulness. My condolences, and I'm an extrovert, so it's not like none of us understand. I get it, personally.


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## Epicglitch (Jun 13, 2014)

teletubbierojo said:


> the other day my mom was talking with her family about me and that i dont talk, i felt sad :/ i felt like she consider that is bad


See, for me I enjoy socializing, after all my mom has encouraged it since birth, and it allows me to learn new things its just that when something isn't interesting to me or i must engage in small talk i find it EXTREMELY draining.


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## Epicglitch (Jun 13, 2014)

GundamChao said:


> The best I can advise is to reach her through her emotions. Make good use of the fact that she's a Feeling type.
> 
> 
> Make sure you're not abstaining from necessary social interaction, but otherwise you shouldn't have to take this forcefulness. My condolences, and I'm an extrovert, so it's not like none of us understand. I get it, personally.


Do you mean guilt? Or being nice to her? Or something completely different? I have tried both guilt and niceness both have failed, plus whenever I challenge her in anyway she ether gets emotional or says "I am the mother, Don't challenge me, I know what is best for you."

I definitely am social, I would just prefer to be alone with my thoughts. Take today for example, It is the last day of grade 7 for me and decided to longboarding with one ok friend and my best friend and then 2 hours went by and I was ready to go home so we said goodbye and I got home, told my IxTJ dad about what we did and then went to my computer to spend some time on Wikipedia, and an hour later my mom told me to walk the dog with her, she said "no more computer time if you don't come!" (In other words: if you don't come you will have to go hang out with friends.) So I went after we walk the dog she saw to of my classmates and stroke up conversation with them, and right after that was done, she struck up ANOTHER convo with one of their parents. At that point I told her I needed a glass of water and I left.


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## Epicglitch (Jun 13, 2014)

Grandmaster Yoda said:


> I have a feeling that's where I'm headed. I can't really give any suggestions though.


What do you mean? is one of your parents/wife/girlfriend doing the same thing to you?


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## GundamChao (Jun 17, 2014)

Epicglitch said:


> Do you mean guilt? Or being nice to her? Or something completely different? I have tried both guilt and niceness both have failed, plus whenever I challenge her in anyway she ether gets emotional or says "I am the mother, Don't challenge me, I know what is best for you."
> 
> I definitely am social, I would just prefer to be alone with my thoughts. Take today for example, It is the last day of grade 7 for me and decided to longboarding with one ok friend and my best friend and then 2 hours went by and I was ready to go home so we said goodbye and I got home, told my IxTJ dad about what we did and then went to my computer to spend some time on Wikipedia, and an hour later my mom told me to walk the dog with her, she said "no more computer time if you don't come!" (In other words: if you don't come you will have to go hang out with friends.) So I went after we walk the dog she saw to of my classmates and stroke up conversation with them, and right after that was done, she struck up ANOTHER convo with one of their parents. At that point I told her I needed a glass of water and I left.


I refer not to challenges of any sort. Though it may take effort from you because of your type, I recommend making an emotional appeal to her. Tell her how uncomfortable you feel because of her incessant pushing towards extraneous social interactions, and speak in terms of the emotional turmoil it's causing you. Be specific, and win over her sympathies. Play your game, not hers. But be respectful, and persuasive.

Also, your point is taken. Some people aren't good at paying attention to what they do not directly observe. =/


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## Epicglitch (Jun 13, 2014)

GundamChao said:


> I refer not to challenges of any sort. Though it may take effort from you because of your type, I recommend making an emotional appeal to her. Tell her how uncomfortable you feel because of her incessant pushing towards extraneous social interactions, and speak in terms of the emotional turmoil it's causing you. Be specific, and win over her sympathies. Play your game, not hers. But be respectful, and persuasive.
> 
> Also, your point is taken. Some people aren't good at paying attention to what they do not directly observe. =/


Thank you for the advice. I will try it tomorrow!


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## GundamChao (Jun 17, 2014)

Epicglitch said:


> Thank you for the advice. I will try it tomorrow!


Best of luck, and nice avatar!


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## AstralVagabond (Apr 8, 2014)

Oh, God. That sounds. Just. I am so sorry, my fellow INTP peer. Depriving an INTP of time to think to the level I hear your mother's doing to you - that's... like putting an ESFP in an day-long office job, I guess? An _independent_ office job, without any colleagues to interact with. On his vacation. And that's cold.

Condolence five?










... Seriously, though, I'm lucky enough to have an IxFJ mother who's a reasoning, nurturing parent and not only respects my introverted tendencies but also my character and temperament in general. To have someone with no respect for the value of curiosity or any non-super-social lifestyle raising you? And 'talking about normal boy things, like cars and girls?' It sounds like a life-long horror movie. (Granted, I _did_ have an ENTJ father who did a pretty good job of messing up both our heads by pushing his own values on us like a missionary; but he moved out when I was 12 so I've been safe for a while.)

I hope she learns to get you and appreciate the value of _your_ personality soon, though. At least she could give you some more space than you're getting now. Restricting your 'screen time' like that isn't just frustrating; it's wasting your potential as a Thinker. So it's going to be on your mother's head if she stops one of the world's adept minds from making a breakthrough in [insert your prime subject of intellectual interest here] because you were too busy making small talk with someone you probably won't even know in a few years.


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## Epicglitch (Jun 13, 2014)

Thank you. That message means the world to me. Earlier today I tried to tell my mother that some of the most powerful/smartest people in the world were loners who had not many friends, after she basically told me the best way to succeed in life is to have lots friends. It is nice to have someone who understand other than the two intps in my school and my dad. I mean really this comment just made my day.

(Sorry for lack of punctuation, i'm typing on my phone.)


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## Epicglitch (Jun 13, 2014)

Oh, and I forgot to mention that book time is a different thing... But it is still limited like screen time


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## Fire Away (Nov 29, 2013)

Do yourself and others a favor and try not to rationalize your behavior.

Just because your an introvert doesn't mean you should reject the outside.

Use MBTI to help yourself grow-not to justify yourself.


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## CorrosiveThoughts (Dec 2, 2013)

TopCatLSD said:


> Do yourself and others a favor and try not to rationalize your behavior.
> 
> *Just because your an introvert doesn't mean you should reject the outside.*
> 
> Use MBTI to help yourself grow-not to justify yourself.


Care to justify that statement? I see nothing wrong with his behavior, according to his account, he managed to come out of the introvert shell and become more social, yet this is not enough for his parents who want an extroverted child. 

Your inability to conceive of introversion as an equally plausible reaction to the outside world is your problem, not his.


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## Fire Away (Nov 29, 2013)

CorrosiveThoughts said:


> Care to justify that statement? I see nothing wrong with his behavior, according to his account, he managed to come out of the introvert shell and become more social, yet this is not enough for his parents who want an extroverted child.
> 
> Your inability to conceive of introversion as an equally plausible reaction to the outside world is your problem, not his.


His situation sounds like "Oh, someone I knew just walked by and I ignored them-well its ok cause im an introvert and bad at socializing." 

And clarify your last statement.


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## CorrosiveThoughts (Dec 2, 2013)

TopCatLSD said:


> His situation sounds like "Oh, someone I knew just walked by and I ignored them-well its ok cause im an introvert and bad at socializing."
> 
> And clarify your last statement.


I suggest you re-read his original post. He uses the fact that he's an introvert to justify his lack of interest in socializing, and dislike of being forced into social situations at the expense of spending time on his interests.

There is little connection between your post and the OP's thread topic. You wrote about not using MBTI to justify behavior, and using it instead for personal growth. The primary purpose of the tool is to categorize and understand the differences between personal behavior, anything else is an outgrowth. The state of the introversion described is not severe, yet it's obvious that you consider it to be a problem, irrational by it's nature, that needs to be fixed through "personal growth". Either you picked a rather unsuitable thread to present this view, or you lack understanding of what it means to be an introvert.


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

Epicglitch said:


> What do you mean? is one of your parents/wife/girlfriend doing the same thing to you?


Yeah I'm gonna have to meet new people and do stuff because my parents want me to.


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## Epicglitch (Jun 13, 2014)

TopCatLSD said:


> Do yourself and others a favor and try not to rationalize your behavior.
> 
> Just because your an introvert doesn't mean you should reject the outside.
> 
> Use MBTI to help yourself grow-not to justify yourself.


I don't reject the outside, I hung out with 2 friends for a few hours, after I got tried I went home, and about an hour later, my mom wanted me to hang out with different friends. 



TopCatLSD said:


> His situation sounds like "Oh, someone I knew just walked by and I ignored them-well its ok cause im an introvert and bad at socializing."
> 
> And clarify your last statement.


I didn't just walk by them... we were gonna turn to head back home when she turned her head to look at my classmates and said "How about we walk to the park." so I was forced to make small talk with them. But to make things even worse, one of them was the second most "popular" (In other words he picks on the weak to make him more appealing to the "cool kids") kid in my grade, so I DO NOT like him at all. The other person that was with him is normally an ok guy but when he is near the extremely popular one he turns into an idiot in 0.0001 second. 


You see @TopCatLSD I absolutely LOVE to socialize when the topic matters/catches my interest but small talk drains me and I cant do it for very long. My mom trying to make me talk more I'm (kinda) ok with, but she also wants me to make TONS of meaningless friendships when I'm fine with the few good friends I already have, and she seems to believe that once you talk to someone over 5 times you must become their friend no matter how much you hate/like/are different from that person.


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## aendern (Dec 28, 2013)

Typical Fe lack of empathy.

Have you tried explaining to her how you _feel_ when she forces you to socialize and you don't want to?

I would like to know how she responds to that. (she probably responds with complete lack of understanding since society says you should be an extravert - and maybe she thinks you are being _bad_ and _misbehaving_ or _acting out_ when you don't act like one).

edit:

My roommate is kinda the same way -- he's most likely an ESTP. He shows a completely inability to put himself in other people's shoes. He tries to get me to socialize with his friends _all the time_. He can't seem to understand that I don't like socializing with his friends (or even him).

I've not told him this because that would be totes rude, ya?


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## Epicglitch (Jun 13, 2014)

emberfly said:


> Typical Fe lack of empathy.
> 
> Have you tried explaining to her how you _feel_ when she forces you to socialize and you don't want to?
> 
> I would like to know how she responds to that.


Well... kinda, you see I have told here about the Myers Briggs and how introverts gain energy from being alone and when they talk for long periods of time they *feel* crappy. But I haven't really gave her an *emotional* argument, you see she knows I'm an introvert, but she is one of those people who think introverts need help and can be changed into extroverts. Unfortunately she never listens to my ideas about introversion because she thinks i only want to be alone because I am "addicted" to the internet/video games.


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## aendern (Dec 28, 2013)

Epicglitch said:


> Well... kinda, you see I have told here about the Myers Briggs and how introverts gain energy from being alone and when they talk for long periods of time they *feel* crappy. But I haven't really gave her an *emotional* argument, you see she knows I'm an introvert, but she is one of those people who think introverts need help and can be changed into extroverts. Unfortunately she never listens to my ideas about introversion because she thinks i only want to be alone because I am "addicted" to the internet/video games.


My mother is an introvert (INTJ) and for a brief time she thought I was addicted to the internet as well.. specifically to computer games on the internet.

I think she thought this because I would never socialize with her or the rest of the family--I would choose to play video games (in my room, "alone") instead of talk to them.

Maybe this hurt their feelings. I think I would be hurt, too, if I had kids and they wanted to spend their time playing video games instead of with me. Wouldn't that be hurtful? Totally. Absolutely. At the time I didn't give a shit because my feelings > theirs, but with age I've cared more about her feelings, I think.

As I've aged, I've become more social with her specifically. But I was never addicted to video games. I was just introverted with a still-developing Fi.

edit:

easy solution, though - just play video games with your kids. Easy, fun bonding.


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## Epicglitch (Jun 13, 2014)

emberfly said:


> My mother is an introvert (INTJ) and for a brief time she thought I was addicted to the internet as well.. specifically to computer games on the internet.
> 
> I think she thought this because I would never socialize with her or the rest of the family--I would choose to play video games (in my room, "alone") instead of talk to them.
> 
> Maybe this hurt their feelings. I think I would be hurt, too, if I had kids and they wanted to spend their time playing video games instead of with me. Wouldn't that be hurtful? Totally. Absolutely. At the time I didn't give a shit because my feelings > theirs, but with age I've cared more about her feelings, I think.


ling
Same here, at least my father understands my introversion and use of logic over feelings. Unfortunately this can sometimes backfire on me because I tend to side with him (or he sides with me) in almost any argument because we take a *logical* stance instead of one based off _*feelings*_ which sometimes makes her feel like I hate her and I only like my father.

P.S. I like the idea of playing video games with the family except there is 2 problems
1. My dad used to be a competitive gamer who was (kinda) addicted to his hobby, and now he tries to avoid games so he doesn't get addicted again.
2. My mom seems to think (modern) video games are responsible for everything wrong with the world right now.


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## aendern (Dec 28, 2013)

Epicglitch said:


> 2. My mom seems to think (modern) video games are responsible for everything wrong with the world right now.


That's a really great point. Fe places a lot of importance on society's opinions, and a lot of mainstream, middle-aged society members do think video games are bad.

It's unfortunate she cannot subscribe to the younger crowd's opinions. I think most young people are fully aware that videogames are not the cause of "everything wrong with the world right now." 

(fun fact -- Google Chrome is trying to tell me that "videogames" is one word. That's so weird -- I never knew that).


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## Epicglitch (Jun 13, 2014)

Agreed


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## tangosthenes (Oct 29, 2011)

I used to just guilt trip my mom by shaking my head or some other quiet resistance. It worked because she would always begin to doubt herself and then apologize. Not like the message ever fully came through, but I doubt it can.


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## Epicglitch (Jun 13, 2014)

tangosthenes said:


> I used to just guilt trip my mom by shaking my head or some other quiet resistance. It worked because she would always begin to doubt herself and then apologize. Not like the message ever fully came through, but I doubt it can.


I've tried that, it got me in deep trouble. Even worse my mom guilt trips people in my family on a daily basis.


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## Fire Away (Nov 29, 2013)

Epicglitch said:


> I don't reject the outside, I hung out with 2 friends for a few hours, after I got tried I went home, and about an hour later, my mom wanted me to hang out with different friends.
> 
> 
> I didn't just walk by them... we were gonna turn to head back home when she turned her head to look at my classmates and said "How about we walk to the park." so I was forced to make small talk with them. But to make things even worse, one of them was the second most "popular" (In other words he picks on the weak to make him more appealing to the "cool kids") kid in my grade, so I DO NOT like him at all. The other person that was with him is normally an ok guy but when he is near the extremely popular one he turns into an idiot in 0.0001 second.
> ...


Unfortunately, small talk is hard to avoid-even I suck at it. The more you practice it the easier it gets, also being in a situation with a popular kid gives you the perfect opportunity to network.

And there are people who talk to you for five minutes and think your friends, just learn to get past the small talk and your good to go.


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## Fire Away (Nov 29, 2013)

CorrosiveThoughts said:


> I suggest you re-read his original post. He uses the fact that he's an introvert to justify his lack of interest in socializing, and dislike of being forced into social situations at the expense of spending time on his interests.
> 
> There is little connection between your post and the OP's thread topic. You wrote about not using MBTI to justify behavior, and using it instead for personal growth. The primary purpose of the tool is to categorize and understand the differences between personal behavior, anything else is an outgrowth. The state of the introversion described is not severe, yet it's obvious that you consider it to be a problem, irrational by it's nature, that needs to be fixed through "personal growth". Either you picked a rather unsuitable thread to present this view, or you lack understanding of what it means to be an introvert.


So you think using MBTI as a means of growth is essentially pointless?


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## Guest1234 (Jun 3, 2014)

My ESTJ father used to be like this, but then came to accept my introverted nature when my therapist explained to him that it's just my nature. I think you could try doing the same. You can take the route and find a therapist to which you could tell your problems and ask him to help, but I think the only thing you need is any respectable adult who could talk to your mother. If she won't listen to you because you're her son, maybe she'll listen to another adult.


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## FlaviaGemina (May 3, 2012)

TopCatLSD said:


> Unfortunately, small talk is hard to avoid-even I suck at it. The more you practice it the easier it gets, also being in a situation with a popular kid gives you the perfect opportunity to network.
> 
> And there are people who talk to you for five minutes and think your friends, just learn to get past the small talk and your good to go.


He's a kid. Since when do kids network?
Honestly, did you not read what he says? He doesn't want to pretend he likes people whom he doesn't like. Which part of this is so difficult to understand?
You're kind of implying that everyone has/should have the same aims in life as you, but introverts are prevented from reaching these aims by their dislike for meaningless interactions. Has it occurred to you that they might not even have the same goals as you?


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## Guest1234 (Jun 3, 2014)

TopCatLSD said:


> Unfortunately, small talk is hard to avoid-even I suck at it. The more you practice it the easier it gets, also being in a situation with a popular kid gives you the perfect opportunity to network.
> 
> And there are people who talk to you for five minutes and think your friends, just learn to get past the small talk and your good to go.


It's not about "sucking" at small talk, it's about finding it unenjoyable and draining. Why do you want to force someone into small talk? The OP said that he has his circle of friends that he gets along with and has meaningfull, non-small talk conversations. Isn't it good enough?
And like FlaviaGemina said, he doesn't have the same goals as you.


TopCatLSD said:


> So you think using MBTI as a means of growth is essentially pointless?


Growth isn't changing what you like or don't like, it's finding a lifestyle which would suit your personality.


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## Fire Away (Nov 29, 2013)

FlaviaGemina said:


> He's a kid. Since when do kids network?
> Honestly, did you not read what he says? He doesn't want to pretend he likes people whom he doesn't like. Which part of this is so difficult to understand?
> You're kind of implying that everyone has/should have the same aims in life as you, but introverts are prevented from reaching these aims by their dislike for meaningless interactions. Has it occurred to you that they might not even have the same goals as you?


No shit we don't have the same goals.

Becoming better at speaking and communicating is a reliable skill regardless of how introverted or extroverted you are...no?

P.S. Im probably no older than he is...


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## FlaviaGemina (May 3, 2012)

TopCatLSD said:


> No shit we don't have the same goals.
> 
> Becoming better at speaking and communicating is a reliable skill regardless of how introverted or extroverted you are...no?
> 
> P.S. Im probably no older than he is...


Why don't you lead by example then and develop your Ni and Fi (re: personal growth, I mean), because your post is devoid of any traces of either.


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## Desiderium (Jan 31, 2014)

My dad tried to do this when I was younger, but luckily my mom(who is also an extrovert, but a very introverted one) was there to stop him.

I don't think it's right for parents to do this as everyone is different and it leads the child to believe being introverted is wrong instead of a valid way to be.


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## Epicglitch (Jun 13, 2014)

Desiderium said:


> I don't think it's right for parents to do this as everyone is different and it leads the child to believe being introverted is wrong instead of a valid way to be.


I completely agree with this, what makes introverts any worse than extroverts. It's not like we have a mental disorder!


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## Stasis (May 6, 2014)

I had a similar issue growing up with an ENFP mother. She drove me crazy and I was actually very argumentative with her. She still drives me crazy whenever she comes to visit me. There are some things that we will never see eye to eye on but that's okay. Eventually parents have to let go, no matter how much they try to influence you, you will make the final decision.


Also, does your mother check on you when you are out and about with your friends? I'm sorry, I read the original post but I skimmed through the rest. Why was she walking with you and your friends?


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## monemi (Jun 24, 2013)

I limit my 8 yo's screen time because he would spend his life in front of that screen. I don't care if he spends more time socializing. I figure he'll do what comes naturally to him. When he can't be on the computer, he goes outside and climbs or rides his bike or breaks my shit. But I take issue with spending every waking hour on the computer. 

I don't think it's typical for extroverted parents to insist on their kids being extroverted. I think it's normal for parents to not want their children to spend all of their free time in front of a screen.


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## Im FiNe (Oct 17, 2013)

Perhaps you could introduce your mother to Susan Cain. Here is a link to her famous TED talk about introversion. Perhaps seeing an introverted woman who is successful and speaking to a crowd of people at a TED talk might reassure her that you are OK, that you are an introvert and not a misanthrope. :wink:


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## monemi (Jun 24, 2013)

emberfly said:


> My mother is an introvert (INTJ) and for a brief time she thought I was addicted to the internet as well.. specifically to computer games on the internet.
> 
> I think she thought this because I would never socialize with her or the rest of the family--I would choose to play video games (in my room, "alone") instead of talk to them.
> 
> ...


It doesn't bother me how much my son does or doesn't interact with people. Too much screen time is bad for your eyes and brain. Gray Matters: Too Much Screen Time Damages the Brain | Psychology Today I love screen time myself. It's way easier to just let kids spend as much time staring at a screen as they want. They put up less of a fuss that way. Still, I care about his future and there isn't a shortage of information out there telling me that he shouldn't spend too much time in front of screens.


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## Guest1234 (Jun 3, 2014)

Epicglitch said:


> I have not tried this but I have tried something similar, you see if the augument about this topic gets heated I will say "I act like this because its the way my brain works!" but it never works out.


The argument shouldn't be you trying to tell her you're normal, it should be about you telling her that her wish to change you is not normal because it means she doesn't love who you are right now.
But like I said before, if she won't listen to you get another adult to explain it to her. My parents listened to my therapist and now they don't force me into an extravert lifestyle.


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## Epicglitch (Jun 13, 2014)

SciVoid said:


> The argument shouldn't be you trying to tell her you're normal, it should be about you telling her that her wish to change you is not normal because it means she doesn't love who you are right now.
> But like I said before, if she won't listen to you get another adult to explain it to her. My parents listened to my therapist and now they don't force me into an extravertic lifestyle.


I will attempt to tell her this the next time it is brought up in discussion between her and me.


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## Guest1234 (Jun 3, 2014)

Epicglitch said:


> I will attempt to tell her this the next time it is brought up in discussion between her and me.


Good luck. And don't forget: you have a second option if it doesn't work out.


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## monemi (Jun 24, 2013)

Epicglitch said:


> I have not tried this but I have tried something similar, you see if the augument about this topic gets heated I will say "I act like this because its the way my brain works!" but it never works out.


That's a really bad choice of words. You've expressed yourself much better on this forum.


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## Epicglitch (Jun 13, 2014)

monemi said:


> That's a really bad choice of words. You've expressed yourself much better on this forum.


Are you talking about grammar? because I was rushing to type that because my mom just walked in to my room and I didn't want here seeing this until I know what to do when she states her argument. If your talking about the actual word choice in the quote, I typed it the way I said it in real life, and I am not good under stress/strong emotions.


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## monemi (Jun 24, 2013)

Epicglitch said:


> Are you talking about grammar? because I was rushing to type that because my mom just walked in to my room and I didn't want here seeing this until I know what to do when she states her argument. If your talking about the actual word choice in the quote, I typed it the way I said it in real life, and I am not good under stress/strong emotions.


Not the grammar. The choice of words. Physical responses to stress are supposed to help you. Learn to work with it. You're experiencing stress talking to you mother. That's the time to reach out to her. Say exactly that: I feel stress trying to talk to you. It's hard to say what I mean.


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## Epicglitch (Jun 13, 2014)

monemi said:


> Not the grammar. The choice of words. Physical responses to stress are supposed to help you. Learn to work with it. You're experiencing stress talking to you mother. That's the time to reach out to her. Say exactly that: I feel stress trying to talk to you. It's hard to say what I mean.


I'm not stressed when I normally talk to her, believe me I have a *very good* mother we just tend to disagree a lot and more often then not, I accidentally offend her. However, I do get stressed when she starts to get angry or trys to push her extravertedness on me (the extravert thing tends to make her angry when I dissagree with it). Trust me you do *not* want to see my mother angry, however if you did happen to see her angry it would look a bit like this

1st stage: Passive aggressiveness
a slow and small force of anger, But definitely noticeable. _lasts about 15min_

2nd stage: Sadness/guilt/manipulation
Will burst into tears, and fill you with guilt to try to manipulate you. _lasts about 30min_

3rd stage: Rage
Full out rage (i.e. Yelling, cursing, hitting objects). _Lasts about 15min_ 

4th stage: Super rage
Previous step x10. _Lasts about 30min_

5th stage: Reminders
Constantly reminds you of the fight._ Last about 2 hours_

(Note: normally fights will only go up to stage 2-3, but they will always end with stage 5)





EDIT: Thanks for the video! It help me a lot.


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## monemi (Jun 24, 2013)

Epicglitch said:


> I'm not stressed when I normally talk to her, believe me I have a *very good* mother we just tend to disagree a lot and more often then not, I accidentally offend her. However, I do get stressed when she starts to get angry or trys to push her extravertedness on me (the extravert thing tends to make her angry when I dissagree with it). Trust me you do *not* want to see my mother angry, however if you did happen to see her angry it would look a bit like this
> 
> 1st stage: Passive aggressiveness
> a slow and small force of anger, But definitely noticeable. _lasts about 15min_
> ...


That doesn't change my point. The times you're experiencing stress is the time to reach out. 

I thought I was crazy because I seemed to be the only person I knew that enjoyed stress. Not distress, just normal stress like when during conflict. Because it's this opportunity to get people to just be honest and cut the crap and lay their cards on the table. I thought I was just really weird. But watching that video, I realized I'm not crazy, I'm just doing something different. I'm not all feely but I reach out to people when I'm feeling stress. I might not talk about my feelings or cry or anything about that. But I communicate instead of closing off. It makes conflict a good thing. 

It's extremely rare for someone to shut you down when you reach out to them.


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## Epicglitch (Jun 13, 2014)

monemi said:


> That doesn't change my point. The times you're experiencing stress is the time to reach out.
> 
> I thought I was crazy because I seemed to be the only person I knew that enjoyed stress. Not distress, just normal stress like when during conflict. Because it's this opportunity to get people to just be honest and cut the crap and lay their cards on the table. I thought I was just really weird. But watching that video, I realized I'm not crazy, I'm just doing something different. I'm not all feely but I reach out to people when I'm feeling stress. I might not talk about my feelings or cry or anything about that. But I communicate instead of closing off. It makes conflict a good thing.
> 
> It's extremely rare for someone to shut you down when you reach out to them.


Ok, I just looked up the definition for stress and distress and I realised its more mild distress than stress I'm feeling, and that I have actually been using stress to my advantage for years when I'm in a debate.


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## monemi (Jun 24, 2013)

Epicglitch said:


> Ok, I just looked up the definition for stress and distress and I realised its more mild distress than stress I'm feeling, and that I have actually been using stress to my advantage for years when I'm in a debate.


So then, do the same with your mother and you should get through to her.


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## Fire Away (Nov 29, 2013)

SciVoid said:


> I see what you mean now. Take your mother forcing you into social situations as a perfect oppurtunity to develop your social skills. That still begs the question, where would an introverted be able to use those skills? They avoid social situations.


Perhaps a book club, a date, work, and such. Communication skills go beyond the realm of socializing.


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## Fire Away (Nov 29, 2013)

FlaviaGemina said:


> He said that those 'popular' kids pick on others. Why should he reward their poor behaviour by giving them attention? That will only make them feel justified in their 'popularity' and they'll think they have a right to pick on weaker people.
> 
> Also, even if you do want to speak purely in "networking" terms, what makes you think that this bunch of people would be useful contacts to have? We don't know anything about them other than that they pick on weaker people and are popular. They might be a bunch of scallies who get bad marks and haven't got a glorious future ahead of them. But still, even if they are the type who've got rich parents and will get through life by bullying others rather than based on their merit, how is it necessary for him to associate with them?


If I ever met a manipulative person like that in real life (which I have) It would make more sense to befriend them than to make them your enemy, but don't submit to them they typically wont harass you if you stand up to them.

And as far as networking goes, the reason why I think networking is valuable to any personality is that; Chances are the person sitting next to you has something that you DON'T have and might WANT. You dont need to like a person to realize their value.

In this case he meets a manipulative person, he befriends him but keeps them at a distance, now your popular manipulator can help you navigate through social situations; like maybe you want a girls number but are to nervous to get it.

Do you see what im getting at?


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## -Alpha- (Dec 30, 2013)

My mother is Te dom. I never felt pressure from her to "become extroverted". She did push me to do things that she considered logical or productive, but part of me believes that was a good thing on a level concerning my grades and work ethic. As a result, I was unable to daydream, play video games and such as I would have liked, but the experience insofar as making sure I developed my ability to deal with the outside world was positive.


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## ElliCat (May 4, 2014)

TopCatLSD said:


> If I ever met a manipulative person like that in real life (which I have) It would make more sense to befriend them than to make them your enemy, but don't submit to them they typically wont harass you if you stand up to them.
> 
> And as far as networking goes, the reason why I think networking is valuable to any personality is that; Chances are the person sitting next to you has something that you DON'T have and might WANT. You dont need to like a person to realize their value.
> 
> ...


Hey if that works for you, that's awesome. But as an INFP, that does very little for me. 

- Manipulative people are toxic. I've ended up cutting most out of my life because they were able to get me to do things that weren't in my best interests. It's all well and good for someone to say "well don't let them" but that's not the way my brain works. I'm highly empathetic and any attempts to tell me to just harden up usually leave feeling defective. I personally choose not to reward manipulative people with friendship because I don't see people as commodities and don't want other people to fall victim to them.

- I can network to a limited extent if my work demands it. But my personal life isn't endless socialising so there's no point in making hundreds of friends/acquaintances just because they might be able to do something for me at some point in the future. Besides, having that many people in my life means I'm going to have umpteen phone calls a week pulling me this way and that. I'd rather have quality time with a few people and then be free to recover for as long as I need to, without having people make me feel guilty for turning down their invitations five times in a row.

- As a girl I don't want to be with a guy who's too scared to approach me. Nor would I expect a guy to want me if I lack the self esteem to actually interact with him.

I'm all for using personality theory for self-growth. I'm also all for using personality theory as a way to understand how different people function. Self-improvement for me is more like:

1. Time management

2. Not taking objective, constructive criticism personally

3. Understanding that my personal values aren't self-evident and no one else is required to play by those rules

4. Sticking to a task until completion

5. Being able to communicate clearly and effectively in conflict situations

All of these things help me in my line of work (customer service). Small talk is nice if you're good at it, but if you're not it just comes across as awkward and unlikeable. As far as I'm concerned my job is to be able to approach someone, share my product knowledge, and explain what product I believe is right for them. If conversation grows organically from that interaction that's nice, but too much chatting gets in the way of actual business. Most people just want you to listen to them and do your job. 

Back to the original question, yes @Epicglitch my Fe-dom mother was far more interested in my social life than I was. I think my grandmother was more concerned about things like my disinterest in small talk but between the two of them I did wonder if there was something wrong with me, especially when they'd "casually" mention how unsociable my introverted father was. 

What I learned was that if you spend too much time and effort being something you're not (say, extraverted and interested in small talk) you will most likely encounter problems with lack of respect further down the road. Thinking there was something wrong with me led me to overcompensating in order to keep friends. I'd do what they wanted me to do. I'd hold my tongue if I thought it would disturb the peace. It wasn't merely meeting these people halfway; it was going beyond that. So when I found out that introversion was a thing, and high sensitivity was a matter of wiring rather than a personality defect, I started experimenting with putting my foot down. All it did was cause confusion, which led to them guilt tripping me. Sometimes they outright lied about what their plans were - just "chilling" at someone's house with a couple of drinks turned into going out to nightclubs, and dancing "just for half an hour" turned into all night. Maybe some people need that initial encouragement to get out, and then will enjoy themselves. But for me it was utter torture, every time. That is not self-growth. That is self-destruction.

I second the suggestion of finding an authority figure to explain things like introversion to your mother. I don't know what yours is like but mine has her "guru"s who will probably last for a few years at a time before she moves on to some other "expert". Often they're full of shit but what is important is that she believes them. If therapy is an option it really is a good idea; if you're a teenager you're going through a lot of changes and probably could do with some tailored life advice anyway. I left it until my 20's and it still worked for me but I wonder how much more I could have changed if I had've tackled some issues earlier. Anyway, that's just me.

Lying... I generally dislike it but I'm not sure that it's a bad idea to learn how to do it. I'm usually pretty terrible at it too, but it can come in handy sometimes.


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## Fire Away (Nov 29, 2013)

ElliCat said:


> Hey if that works for you, that's awesome. But as an INFP, that does very little for me.
> 
> - Manipulative people are toxic. I've ended up cutting most out of my life because they were able to get me to do things that weren't in my best interests. It's all well and good for someone to say "well don't let them" but that's not the way my brain works. I'm highly empathetic and any attempts to tell me to just harden up usually leave feeling defective. I personally choose not to reward manipulative people with friendship because I don't see people as commodities and don't want other people to fall victim to them.
> 
> ...


Well I talking about this specific INTP kid but...

I think this is the second time I've had to say this now; your not REWARDING anyone-your manipulating a manipulator, and last time I checked being manipulated is not a reward, your just playing by their rules. Maybe to an Fi user two wrongs dont make a right, but hell if it gets the job done.

By befriending someone you dont have to ACTUALLY care about them. I dont give two shits about most people I know, but im smart enough to realize when someone can bring something to the table.


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## ElliCat (May 4, 2014)

TopCatLSD said:


> Well I talking about this specific INTP kid but...
> 
> I think this is the second time I've had to say this now; your not REWARDING anyone-your manipulating a manipulator, and last time I checked being manipulated is not a reward, your just playing by their rules. Maybe to an Fi user two wrongs dont make a right, but hell if it gets the job done.
> 
> By befriending someone you dont have to ACTUALLY care about them. I dont give two shits about most people I know, but im smart enough to realize when someone can bring something to the table.


What makes you think that the INTP kid should care about it any more than I do? I've got no problem with a parent restricting screen time for his health, or encouraging him to make friends instead of spending all day in his room for weeks at a time. Where the line is crossed is when we're expected to change our VERY NATURE because someone's decided there's something wrong with it.

I'll give my experience because that's what I can confidently talk about. I could also say that my INTP brother is shit at small talk and networking, and yet has no problem making friends with people he finds interesting. 

And I suspect Ti users care less about "getting the job done" if the job has no logical benefit to them.


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## Fire Away (Nov 29, 2013)

ElliCat said:


> What makes you think that the INTP kid should care about it any more than I do? I've got no problem with a parent restricting screen time for his health, or encouraging him to make friends instead of spending all day in his room for weeks at a time. Where the line is crossed is when we're expected to change our VERY NATURE because someone's decided there's something wrong with it.
> 
> I'll give my experience because that's what I can confidently talk about. I could also say that my INTP brother is shit at small talk and networking, and yet has no problem making friends with people he finds interesting.
> 
> And I suspect Ti users care less about "getting the job done" if the job has no logical benefit to them.


What exactly are you arguing?


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## ElliCat (May 4, 2014)

TopCatLSD said:


> What exactly are you arguing?


I might be misreading your intentions but it seems like you're saying that your way of socialising is something that the OP should be pushed towards, and I totally disagree with that. If you're just presenting another point of view that's fine and I apologise for misinterpreting your posts.


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## Fire Away (Nov 29, 2013)

ElliCat said:


> I might be misreading your intentions but it seems like you're saying that your way of socialising is something that the OP should be pushed towards, and I totally disagree with that. If you're just presenting another point of view that's fine and I apologise for misinterpreting your posts.


Ya I wasn't trying to enforce anything if I gave off that opinion, I was just saying that there are alternative ways to view socializing and networking.


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## Grainy (Jul 2, 2013)

TopCatLSD said:


> Well I talking about this specific INTP kid but...
> 
> I think this is the second time I've had to say this now; your not REWARDING anyone-your manipulating a manipulator, and last time I checked being manipulated is not a reward, your just playing by their rules. Maybe to an Fi user two wrongs dont make a right, but hell if it gets the job done.
> 
> By befriending someone you dont have to ACTUALLY care about them. I dont give two shits about most people I know, but im smart enough to realize when someone can bring something to the table.


What you need to understand is that not everyone is like you. You talk about how MBTI is for personal growth, but it's also a great tool for understanding how other people are different from you. I think you should read more about other types than your own.

It's important to have a certain amount of social skills in our society. There is, however, a difference between having social skills and forcing yourself to spend time with people you don't like. You will be forced to interact with people you don't get along with at many points during life, but you don't have to actively seek out situations like that just to get something from it. That will just drain an introvert, and "networking" is ridiculous if it is at the expense of your own happiness. The OP here even says he's and outgoing introvert, I don't get the impression he has any trouble talking to people.

As a person who hasn't been 12 years old for a decade, I'll also say that networking is irrelevant at that age. It will not affect your future career in any way. It's so much better for you to spend time with people who bring out your own strengths. That way you're a lot more likely to become a confident person, well suited for adult life whether you're introverted or extroverted.


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## ElliCat (May 4, 2014)

TopCatLSD said:


> Ya I wasn't trying to enforce anything if I gave off that opinion, I was just saying that there are alternative ways to view socializing and networking.


Sorry about the Fi-tantrum then! I actually do like hearing about different ways of experiencing the world. I just don't like it when people come across like they know the One Universal Truth For Everyone(TM).

I suppose the thing is that if you have at least one extraverted parent - and especially if you're a female growing up in Western culture - you already know all about how extraverts socialise, because that's how you're expected to be too. I've been criticised for not being a good little ExFx so much it isn't funny. And if you read the OP, you'll see he is actually already quite socially adept. Which is great; it's a good skill to have if you can develop it and it's a fantastic way to stave off social anxiety if you have it (I do). The problem is that his mother does not believe that introversion is a legitimate way of being, and is pushing him beyond his limits. I was lucky that my mother at least understood a love of reading, even if she worried that I didn't spend enough time outside or had a big enough social life. If she had've forced me to socialise with the girls that picked on me at school in order to "make more friends", I probably would have broken down.


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## FlaviaGemina (May 3, 2012)

TopCatLSD said:


> If I ever met a manipulative person like that in real life (which I have) It would make more sense to befriend them than to make them your enemy, but don't submit to them they typically wont harass you if you stand up to them.
> 
> And as far as networking goes, the reason why I think networking is valuable to any personality is that; Chances are the person sitting next to you has something that you DON'T have and might WANT. You dont need to like a person to realize their value.
> 
> ...


No, I don't see what you're getting at. What you are talking about isn't friendship.


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## lollora (Jun 28, 2014)

I have the same problem! My mother is an ESFJ, and, with me being an INTP, we tend to disagree on a lot of things. I'm in school myself, currently on my winter break, and every day I hear the words, "You can't stay home all day!" I'm not entirely sure if she just wants me to be more active, rather than spending the entire day reading or researching, or if she wants me to be more social, but I'm presuming it's the latter.

One way I usually get around it is to actively try to make it look like I'm putting in effort to make plans with a friend, because my mother thinks of it as "Oh well at least she is trying to be social!" It does work, and it has benefited me many times even though it's a short term solution.

Another way you can try and make her understand your viewpoint on the subject is to try and open up to her emotionally and tell her how you really feel about it. I, of all people, know that this is easier said than done, but it can be incredibly effective. It is important to be calm when talking about this with her, and if she starts to turn it in to an argument, let her know straightforwardly that your intention wasn't to initiate a debate, but rather, a rational conversation.

One thing you need to know: you're not alone! There are so many other introverts (and even extraverts) feeling this way with other people pushing them to be more social. YOU know your limits and boundaries, so don't let them push you over the line! But most of all, it's annoying, and you don't deserve that.

Best of luck to you, my friend.


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## Fire Away (Nov 29, 2013)

Grainy said:


> What you need to understand is that not everyone is like you. You talk about how MBTI is for personal growth, but it's also a great tool for understanding how other people are different from you. I think you should read more about other types than your own.
> 
> It's important to have a certain amount of social skills in our society. There is, however, a difference between having social skills and forcing yourself to spend time with people you don't like. You will be forced to interact with people you don't get along with at many points during life, but you don't have to actively seek out situations like that just to get something from it. That will just drain an introvert, and "networking" is ridiculous if it is at the expense of your own happiness. The OP here even says he's and outgoing introvert, I don't get the impression he has any trouble talking to people.
> 
> As a person who hasn't been 12 years old for a decade, I'll also say that networking is irrelevant at that age. It will not affect your future career in any way. It's so much better for you to spend time with people who bring out your own strengths. That way you're a lot more likely to become a confident person, well suited for adult life whether you're introverted or extroverted.


Your post made me laugh. I dont just read about my own type, im fluent in MBTI, Socionics, and Enneagram, my typology prowess is most likely much higher than yours. 

No matter how old you are there are going to be times when you have to do something you don't want to, so why not sacrifice a little to earn a lot.

Regardless of Type, each individual person you meet has skills and knowledge in something that you do not. Its beneficial to have certain people around you to help you in areas that you cannot help yourself.


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## FlaviaGemina (May 3, 2012)

TopCatLSD said:


> Well I talking about this specific INTP kid but...
> 
> I think this is the second time I've had to say this now; your not REWARDING anyone-your manipulating a manipulator, and last time I checked being manipulated is not a reward, your just playing by their rules. Maybe to an Fi user two wrongs dont make a right, but hell if it gets the job done.
> 
> By befriending someone you dont have to ACTUALLY care about them. I dont give two shits about most people I know, but im smart enough to realize when someone can bring something to the table.


He isn't talking about jobs. He's talking about his private life.
Your advice might just about make sense in a work situation where you have to work together with assholes. But even in that context, it's very unlikely that everyone at your workplace is an asshole. Also, if you think another person has skills that you should have, you can try to develop them in yourself. You don't need to 'befriend' that person if you disagree with their behaviour or values.


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## Grainy (Jul 2, 2013)

TopCatLSD said:


> Your post made me laugh. I dont just read about my own type, im fluent in MBTI, Socionics, and Enneagram, my typology prowess is most likely much higher than yours.
> 
> No matter how old you are there are going to be times when you have to do something you don't want to, so why not sacrifice a little to earn a lot.
> 
> Regardless of Type, each individual person you meet has skills and knowledge in something that you do not. Its beneficial to have certain people around you to help you in areas that you cannot help yourself.


I'm perfectly aware of that, as I said in my previous post. But there are limits to everything. My impression is that OP's mother crosses the line in her expectations.

As for being around people with other skills than yourself, that doesn't equal being around people you don't like. You cannot avoid it, especially in work situations, but in my experience I get so much more from people I like than from people I don't get along with. When I have to work closely with someone I don't like I'll make the best out of it, and that can also be rewarding. However, I grow a lot more in good environments.

I'm sorry for assuming you haven't read about other types. The reason for it was that in your posts you've seemed to expect that everything that works for you will work for other people. I'm amused by how you have to point out that you're assuming that you know more about typology than me, though. I'm not planning to claim that you're wrong, for me it's not a competition about knowing the most about what is merely a minor hobby for me.


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## The Chameleon (May 23, 2014)

Epicglitch said:


> Summer vacation! The best time of the year for a kid in school... Right... Well not for me. You see my ENFJ (I am an INTP) mother always tries to make me more extroverted (I am already outgoing because of they way she raised me) and summer seems to be when she does this the most, she always tells me to go outside (I'm generally ok with this) but she doesn't just want me to be outside, no, she wants me to constantly be with/make friends WHILE I'm outside.
> 
> Her way of enforcing this is taking so-called "screen time" (i.e. Computer, TV, Phone,) EVEN if its educational, so my natural response was. "I will just read books on the topics I'm interested in instead." she responded with a swift "It doesn't work that way."
> 
> ...


... can i just ... hug you for a second ...

My mom (an ISFJ) is LITERALLY the EXACT SAME WAY in the summer to me, except she tried to shape me into a judger. She's making me have schedules and routines for my whole summer; and the same thing for my INTP brother. If I try to tell her that I don't _like_ schedules and routines, and they stress me out, she just gets all passive-aggressive and says shit like, "Oh good luck with college, tell me what schools accept you" or "Just do whatever the hell you want, I won't give you advice"

What I like to do about it, I usually just don't answer back more than a "fine", because my mom will then say "Why do you always have to have the last word?" or "Why do you always have to argue with me?" I just let her brood on about whatever the issue is by herself and just don't pay it any mind.


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## Guest1234 (Jun 3, 2014)

TopCatLSD said:


> Perhaps a book club, a date, work, and such. Communication skills go beyond the realm of socializing.


Book club: highly unlikely. Just because one likes to read doesn't mean he has to go and discuss it with a group of random people. He can discuss it with his friends, though.
Date: Unlikely also. Shouldn't one look for a date who would understand and accept you and wouldn't require you to do something you don't like?
Work: yes, that could work if one of your coworkers would try to get you to talk, but wouldn't it be easier to just let him know you're not interested in talking?
It can, however, be handy in funerals, birthdays, etc. Still, it doesn't seem very comfortable to be forced into it by your mother. An introvert doesn't need to "master" it, just get the bare minimum.


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## Guest1234 (Jun 3, 2014)

TopCatLSD said:


> Your post made me laugh. I dont just read about my own type, im fluent in MBTI, Socionics, and Enneagram, my typology prowess is most likely much higher than yours.
> 
> No matter how old you are there are going to be times when you have to do something you don't want to, so why not sacrifice a little to earn a lot.
> 
> Regardless of Type, each individual person you meet has skills and knowledge in something that you do not. Its beneficial to have certain people around you to help you in areas that you cannot help yourself.


Okay, so now I see that you ARE telling the person to be inauthentic. He doesn't want a friend who he only talks to because he's useful. He wants genuine relationships. And keep in my mind that most INTPs (myself included) don't like to rely on others to get through life. They want to do things themselves to prove that they're worth something.
And like Nietzsche said — "You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist."


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## Stasis (May 6, 2014)

Epicglitch said:


> No, she was trying to get me to go on a walk with her and the dog. But when she saw to of my classmates in the distance she convinced me to walk over to the park where she saw them, and the second she got there she struck up a convo with them. (Note: the whole time we were walking she was telling me how I needed to be less of and introvert and be more social.)


Oh, I understand now


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## Fire Away (Nov 29, 2013)

SciVoid said:


> Okay, so now I see that you ARE telling the person to be inauthentic. He doesn't want a friend who he only talks to because he's useful. He wants genuine relationships. And keep in my mind that most INTPs (myself included) don't like to rely on others to get through life. They want to do things themselves to prove that they're worth something.
> And like Nietzsche said — "You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist."


My god you INTP's are just driving me crazy. :frustrating:

For the sake of knowledge, the sake of learning, the sake of growth. How much more blunt do I have to get?


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## Fire Away (Nov 29, 2013)

SciVoid said:


> Book club: highly unlikely. Just because one likes to read doesn't mean he has to go and discuss it with a group of random people. He can discuss it with his friends, though.
> Date: Unlikely also. Shouldn't one look for a date who would understand and accept you and wouldn't require you to do something you don't like?
> Work: yes, that could work if one of your coworkers would try to get you to talk, but wouldn't it be easier to just let him know you're not interested in talking?
> It can, however, be handy in funerals, birthdays, etc. Still, it doesn't seem very comfortable to be forced into it by your mother. An introvert doesn't need to "master" it, just get the bare minimum.


Ya, I wasnt taking strictly about those things, but you get my point.


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## Guest1234 (Jun 3, 2014)

TopCatLSD said:


> My god you INTP's are just driving me crazy. :frustrating:
> 
> For the sake of knowledge, the sake of learning, the sake of growth. How much more blunt do I have to get?


Just accept that we aren't interested in your lifestyle. You can live the way you want, but don't assume that everyone needs to live this way. We aren't the ones driving you crazy by disagreeing, you are the crazy one for preaching your ideas to people who aren't interested.


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## Fire Away (Nov 29, 2013)

Grainy said:


> I'm perfectly aware of that, as I said in my previous post. But there are limits to everything. My impression is that OP's mother crosses the line in her expectations.
> 
> As for being around people with other skills than yourself, that doesn't equal being around people you don't like. You cannot avoid it, especially in work situations, but in my experience I get so much more from people I like than from people I don't get along with. When I have to work closely with someone I don't like I'll make the best out of it, and that can also be rewarding. However, I grow a lot more in good environments.
> 
> I'm sorry for assuming you haven't read about other types. The reason for it was that in your posts you've seemed to expect that everything that works for you will work for other people. I'm amused by how you have to point out that you're assuming that you know more about typology than me, though. I'm not planning to claim that you're wrong, for me it's not a competition about knowing the most about what is merely a minor hobby for me.


Ya, his mom does cross the line. My dad used to be the same with me growing up that's why, I used to be an ENTJ with chronic depression and thus seemed introverted most of the time. So I understand what the kid is going through.

Of course being with people you like is beneficial, but for him; he has to play by his mothers rules. So in which case, since he doesn't have the freedom of choosing its better to just think of it as a learning experience from each person.

Haha-the only real reason that im fluent in all of them is because I cant nail down my real type, right now ENTJ is what im sticking with but I still notice I have odd characteristics not found in them. Go figure.


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## FlaviaGemina (May 3, 2012)

@Epicglitch I forgot how old you are. Are you old enough to volunteer with a charity over the summer? Or could you tutor a younger kid, not necessarily for a fee if you're not old enough. You could try to find a younger kid who struggles with literacy and do paired reading, anyone who isn't totally illiterate themselves can do that.
Your mother can hardly complain about that and you'd still be doing something that's more meaningful than small talk.
If you're not old enough, you could pester her to enroll you in some kind of club or summer school that offers a task-focused activity. I know it's probably not what you want to do, but it's more bearable than pointless socializing with unpleasant people.


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## Epicglitch (Jun 13, 2014)

Not old enough to tutor.


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## Epicglitch (Jun 13, 2014)

SciVoid said:


> Just accept that we aren't interested in your lifestyle. You can live the way you want, but don't assume that everyone needs to live this way. We aren't the ones driving you crazy by disagreeing, you are the crazy one for preaching your ideas to people who aren't interested.


I agree with @SciVoid. You seem to be preaching your extroverted ideas on this thread, (almost exactly like my mother is doing, except you are using evidence instead of personal beliefs.) I have chosen to stay out of this argument between @TopCatLSD, @SciVoid and @FlaviaGemina but I feel like I should intervene. You see this thread was an ADVICE thread, you know for HELP convincing my mother that being an introvert is ok and that introverts shouldn't be looked down on. When you try to say I absolutely need to be more social, it gets on my nerves because I already stated I'm VERY outgoing, its just that too much talking drains me and I need to spend some time alone. Also, when I make friends that friendship MUST MEAN something, I must like that person enough to spend significant amounts of time with them, I must either find something in common with them or they must have MANY qualitys that me, myself would like to have.





Sincerely,
Epicglitch


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## Fire Away (Nov 29, 2013)

SciVoid said:


> Just accept that we aren't interested in your lifestyle. You can live the way you want, but don't assume that everyone needs to live this way. We aren't the ones driving you crazy by disagreeing, you are the crazy one for preaching your ideas to people who aren't interested.


No, I meant that im regurgitating myself over and over again and you still don't understand what im saying. 

I also stated like twice, that im not forcing anything-only giving a viewpoint that nobody else did...


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## ElliCat (May 4, 2014)

Epicglitch said:


> You see this thread was an ADVICE thread, you know for HELP convincing my mother that being an introvert is ok and that introverts shouldn't be looked down on. When you try to say I absolutely need to be more social, it gets on my nerves because I already stated I'm VERY outgoing, *its just that too much talking drains me and I need to spend some time alone*. Also, when I make friends that friendship MUST MEAN something, I must like that person enough to spend significant amounts of time with them, I must either find something in common with them or they must have MANY qualitys that me, myself would like to have.


I think a lot of extraverts miss the bolded part in particular. I know a lot of them are just concerned about me because they know that when they're not socialising for too long, it means there's something wrong. But I really wish they could just believe us when we say we're fine and that we need this time to get our energy back! I had a host mother once who actually outright asked me if I was depressed because I didn't go out as much as she thought I should. No.... just drained from being around everybody all weekend. XD

Gotta love people that can't be convinced that you might be different to them.


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## FlaviaGemina (May 3, 2012)

TopCatLSD said:


> No, I meant that im regurgitating myself over and over again and you still don't understand what im saying.
> 
> I also stated like twice, that im not forcing anything-only giving a viewpoint that nobody else did...


I get what you mean. But, as you have said yourself, your underlying assumption is that he has to obey his mother in this respect. He doesn't. He's got to do his homework if she tells him to, he's got to do chores in the house if that's what she demands. He's got to visit relatives every once in a while. But it is not his duty as a son to have his mental well-being endangered by her demands.

Imagine it was the other way round: if an introverted mother locked her child up because she thought there was something wrong with socializing, wouldn't everybody be outraged and think it's wrong of her?


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## Killionaire (Oct 13, 2009)

Epicglitch said:


> Wow, your family does this even though you are an adult? That must really suck, I thought this was only a kid/teen thing.


No, many parents keep disrespecting you and treating you like a kid no matter how old you are, unless you stand up to them and force them to show you respect and treat you like an adult. They have to be forced, because they don't want to. Mothers especially want to keep treating you like a small child FOREVER. After you move out, you can tell them that they have to treat you like an adult and respect your decisions or else you won't see them anymore.


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## Epicglitch (Jun 13, 2014)

YamahaMotors said:


> Fight back hard. Don't give in. Don't do what she says. Don't take her crap. If she threatens you, ignore her threats. Teach her that being domineering doesn't work on you. She's acting similar to a bully, but without the degrading insults. The only thing that works with bullies is to fight back.


Well... I would like to do that but anytime I fight back she will say I'm being a smartass and call me too argumentative and if I continue she will either guilt trip me or send me to my room.


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## Killionaire (Oct 13, 2009)

Epicglitch said:


> Well... I would like to do that but anytime I fight back she will say I'm being a smartass and call me too argumentative and if I continue she will either guilt trip me or send me to my room.


Ignore the guilt trip and don't go to your room. Tell her off. And then do whatever you want. Stop listening to her.


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## Epicglitch (Jun 13, 2014)

YamahaMotors said:


> Ignore the guilt trip and don't go to your room. Tell her off. And then do whatever you want. Stop listening to her.


That is really difficult to do when your only in middle school... At this time in my life my mother basically has full control over me.


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## Im FiNe (Oct 17, 2013)

YamahaMotors said:


> No, many parents keep disrespecting you and *treating you like a kid no matter how old you are*, unless you stand up to them and force them to show you respect and *treat you like an adult*. They have to be forced, because they don't want to. Mothers especially want to keep treating you like a small child FOREVER. After you move out, you can tell them that they have to treat you like an adult and respect your decisions or else you won't see them anymore.


YamahaMotors, 
Epicglitch shared that he just finished 7th grade. That would make him 12-13 years old. Whereas he has shown a level of maturity in this thread that belies that age, he is still a child. He is not an adult.

Epicglitch,
It seems that there may be more to what is motivating your mother than just extraversion vs. introversion and her not understanding the latter. Talk to your father. Let him know how you are feeling and what you are thinking. He may have some good advice or a different view on the matter that would help.

Is there a summer rec team sport that you could join and at least somewhat enjoy? I was never very athletic. I did bowl on a youth rec league when I was about your age. I met new people that way. There was always the subject at hand as common grounds for discussion. I was able to offer encouragement and moral support to people I knew very little in small tangible ways. It got me out in public and "out of my head". I don't know your financial situation or your community, but I offer this as a way that may be more palatable in honoring your mother's concern while being authentic.


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## Mel_O_Yellow (Oct 25, 2013)

@Epicglitch How good of a liar are you? Do you think you could convince her that you have summer reading/assignments to work on in order to get a bit of introverted time? Or is there a coffee shop/park you could go to to read/have computer time and just tell her you were hanging out with ____? I suppose I shouldn't condone dishonesty with parents, but parents, just because they are older, doesn't always make them right. In some ways I think parental love for children can often blind them to what is best for their child. They think what makes them the happiest should make you the happiest too, as that is all they know. Its not always the case.


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## IncoherentBabbler (Oct 21, 2013)

If someone in this thread hasn't suggested it already, look up Pygmalion Projects. If you can print out some of the info on it, that MIGHT add weight to your side of the arguments with your mother. The other option is to get your dad to stand up to her for you, he is an introvert after all, right?


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## Epicglitch (Jun 13, 2014)

Mel_O_Yellow said:


> @Epicglitch How good of a liar are you? Do you think you could convince her that you have summer reading/assignments to work on in order to get a bit of introverted time? Or is there a coffee shop/park you could go to to read/have computer time and just tell her you were hanging out with ____? I suppose I shouldn't condone dishonesty with parents, but parents, just because they are older, doesn't always make them right. In some ways I think parental love for children can often blind them to what is best for their child. They think what makes them the happiest should make you the happiest too, as that is all they know. Its not always the case.


I'm not the greatest liar... But I'm decent at it if I add in something (kind of) true, for example: "I went to starbucks and hung out with my friends" Its not true... but is not completely false either.

Yes, there is a library, coffee shop and a park all close to my house. Sometimes I do longboard to them so I can think, go on the internet, read and listen to music.


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## mikan (May 25, 2014)

teletubbierojo said:


> the other day my mom was talking with her family about me and that i dont talk, i felt sad :/ i felt like she consider that is bad


Your icon is a little questionable.. are you aware of that? You seem oblivious.


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## teletubbierojo (Oct 2, 2013)

mikan said:


> Your icon is a little questionable.. are you aware of that? You seem oblivious.


not so much it was time ago and maybe I just feel it like it, sorry


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## Epicglitch (Jun 13, 2014)

teletubbierojo said:


> not so much it was time ago and maybe I just feel it like it, sorry


That post was really confusing...


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## Epicglitch (Jun 13, 2014)

Update: I have tried some of the ideas posted here, and so far none of them have worked, my mother is really starting to get sick of me and we end up get ting in a average of 3 big arguments a day... Usually there is one about introversion, if anyone still has any suggestions please let me know.


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## Flame1280 (Jun 24, 2014)

I'm clearly introverted and my mother tried to fix that for a time but over time she eventually just gave in an accepted it...she trys to encourage it a bit still but we dont have arguements over it anymore (lucky me I guess)


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## jinhong91 (Apr 29, 2014)

When my parents tried to push something on me that I cannot agree on strongly or that they went overboard, I fought back. Hard.

I attempted to beat them at their own game and sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
Guilt-tripping them back, shoot down their logic quickly. Luckily for me, I somehow managed to utilize my inferior Fe for the emotional part.

The problem that I see here is that you are too young and don't have the leverage to push your points through.
Since your mother is the emotional type, you could counter fire with fire and say her attempts to make you more extraverted is seriously hurting your feelings and self respect. When she says something like "You are hurting my feelings" you could counter that with "That's what you are doing to me, hurting my feelings". So, making them taste their own medicine/attack. Of course, you have to research and then go all out or else they will become more immune to this kind of attack.

I wouldn't suggest being on the offensive unless you literally have no choice in the matter.
You have to analyze carefully and utilize their strengths to make them fall like judo because you can't meet them on their strengths.
Not sure if you get the concrete explanation but I hope it is useful to you.


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## Alex Chan (Jun 17, 2014)

lol, my introverted mom tries to get me outside of my bedroom so I can make friends! XD

its kind of weird, her being a tested ISTJ, so I don't know what's going on with her.

you should just tell her about MBTI and how it works, what your MBTI is, what hers is, explain differences, then let her decide by herself. and if she still wants you to be an extrovert, then just ignore her and do your thing. ^.^


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## Hero902 (May 4, 2014)

Hahahaha, this thread is so funny. I'm an INFJ and my mother is an ENFP and I have trouble dealing with her extroversion since I was a child. I'm extremely calm and she is the only person that can make me feel anger. I find it ridiculous that in nearly 18 years of being my mother she still doesn't know how to deal with my introversion. 

For example, yesterday she took me shopping to buy a feel T-shirts. We went to a couple stores and I didn't like anything. On the third store she started to chat with everyone in the store saying that I'm such a difficult person and that we've been to two stores and i didn't like anything and that she hoped i like something there. I didn't like anything there, but i picked one t-shirt so she wouldn't complain about me not liking anything and would stop talking about my life to the people who worked at the store. When I picked one t-shirt I "liked" she start yelling "oh my god finally you like something!!! Pick another one, I don't know when you'll let me take you shopping again". Moral of the story: I left the store with FOUR T-shirts i'm never going to use in my life because she kept pressuring me and talking about my life to the people there. 

And yes, i'm 18 years old and my mom still goes shopping with me. Buying clothes is a big deal and it's extremely hard for me to do alone.


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## Epicglitch (Jun 13, 2014)

Hero902 said:


> Hahahaha, this thread is so funny. I'm an INFJ and my mother is an ENFP and I have trouble dealing with her extroversion since I was a child. I'm extremely calm and she is the only person that can make me feel anger. I find it ridiculous that in nearly 18 years of being my mother she still doesn't know how to deal with my introversion.
> 
> For example, yesterday she took me shopping to buy a feel T-shirts. We went to a couple stores and I didn't like anything. On the third store she started to chat with everyone in the store saying that I'm such a difficult person and that we've been to two stores and i didn't like anything and that she hoped i like something there. I didn't like anything there, but i picked one t-shirt so she wouldn't complain about me not liking anything and would stop talking about my life to the people who worked at the store. When I picked one t-shirt I "liked" she start yelling "oh my god finally you like something!!! Pick another one, I don't know when you'll let me take you shopping again". Moral of the story: I left the store with FOUR T-shirts i'm never going to use in my life because she kept pressuring me and talking about my life to the people there.
> 
> And yes, i'm 18 years old and my mom still goes shopping with me. Buying clothes is a big deal and it's extremely hard for me to do alone.


lol. This happens to me ALL THE TIME... I mean this is pretty much exactly what happens whenever I go shopping with her:laughing:


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