# How to approach a crush?



## Prada (Sep 10, 2015)

Kiriae said:


> Date me.


Okay. 



Kiriae said:


> Just kidding. ^^'


:crying:

Seriously though, I'm sorry about your bad experience. The only thing I can recommend is to find people you have a lot in common with by joining club/communities/volunteer organisations dedicated to things you like. For example, if you like animals, volunteer to work at a pet shelter. If you like sci-fi, find a community in your area or go to a sci-fi convention, if you like board games attend board games nights etc. You might not have all of those in your area but you will find something. Sometimes, high school and university clubs let graduates join as well. Or, if everything else fails, do what I did and start your own club with blackjack and bitches. Though, I'm still stuck on step one. :laughing:


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## Kiriae (Oct 2, 2015)

Prada said:


> Okay.
> 
> 
> :crying:
> ...


Unfortunately I live in a tiny city and the only club here is something similar to farmer's wives' association, lol. There used to be a middle school astronomy club which I semi-attended (we have a hill good for stargazing over the city so sometimes during astronomic events the kids were using it at the same time I did) but it was disbanded a few years ago. 
There is nothing else. 
Oh, wait. There is also an joga club or something but its ridiculously expensive and I don't have that kind of money. 

And I don't feel confident enough to start my own club.


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## Prada (Sep 10, 2015)

Kiriae said:


> Unfortunately I live in a tiny city and the only club here is something similar to farmer's wives' association, lol. There used to be a middle school astronomy club which I semi-attended (we have a hill good for stargazing over the city so sometimes during astronomic events the kids were using it at the same time I did) but it was disbanded a few years ago.
> There is nothing else.
> Oh, wait. There is also an joga club or something but its ridiculously expensive and I don't have that kind of money.
> 
> And I don't feel confident enough to start my own club.


Regardless, I recommend you look around, ask people and staff in places where people often meet (caffes, tea houses, etc.) or even libraries or stores with board games (if you have those). Basically, ANYTHING that's at least a little bit specialised. 

I used to live in a very small town, where vast majority of bars and pubs were closed at 11pm. Still, there were several unofficial clubs where young people met for one reason or another like board games, religion, video games, improving English language and also bunch of small volunteering organisations; a charity and a pet shelter. And those are just the thing I knew about. Young people have the time and desire for socialising. They will find a way to meet. I'm sure there is something in your town. 

If you don't feel confident to start your own club (it can be just unofficial meeting of people with similar hobbies), find a thing you and most of your friends have in common. There is a pretty big chance that they know people with similar interests and tell them to ask their friends to meet somewhere to talk about it like a cafe or a bar during daytime. If they like films, ask them to ask others to go to cinema together. Or something more wild, like camping. You can make great friends at camping. Not that I did that, too wild for me... XD I wish you all the best, just don't give up in your pursuit. If there's even a 1% chance of success, all of those failures will be worth it.


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## Kiriae (Oct 2, 2015)

Prada said:


> Regardless, I recommend you look around, ask people and staff in places where people often meet (caffes, tea houses, etc.) or even libraries or stores with board games (if you have those). Basically, ANYTHING that's at least a little bit specialised.
> 
> I used to live in a very small town, where vast majority of bars and pubs were closed at 11pm. Still, there were several unofficial clubs where young people met for one reason or another like board games, religion, video games, improving English language and also bunch of small volunteering organisations; a charity and a pet shelter. And those are just the thing I knew about. Young people have the time and desire for socialising. They will find a way to meet. I'm sure there is something in your town.
> 
> If you don't feel confident to start your own club (it can be just unofficial meeting of people with similar hobbies), find a thing you and most of your friends have in common. There is a pretty big chance that they know people with similar interests and tell them to ask their friends to meet somewhere to talk about it like a cafe or a bar during daytime. If they like films, ask them to ask others to go to cinema together. Or something more wild, like camping. You can make great friends at camping. Not that I did that, too wild for me... XD I wish you all the best, just don't give up in your pursuit. If there's even a 1% chance of success, all of those failures will be worth it.


I can just go to a bar and ask a random stranger if he knows any clubs I could join? :shocked:
I checked library offer. They have some classes for seniors 50+ and for kids. Noone my age.
We don't have nay store with board games. Do stuff like this even exist? We have Empik but its a bookstore. And I get sensory overload there because it is always so crowded. People push each other all the time.

I don't play board games, I am atheist, I am not a fan of video games anymore (if I play a game it keeps me busy 12h/day for 2-8 years so no, thank you, not getting into it again), my English is good enough, I don't know about any charity organization around (and I am not interested in taking care of sick people, it hurts to even think about that, my empathy is all messed up - I would feel their pain) and while I would like to help in a pet shelter the closest one is in a city 30kms away.

The way of how people socialize in my city is beer drinking in multiple bars we have. But I don't drink alcohol and I hate loud music that is always there. The smell of drunk people is also disgusting. And what would I talk with those people anyway? I am bad at small talk. The way they communicate sounds crazy, there is no message. They call each other names and laugh, stuff like that. I really don't get drunk people. And they are dangerous when they get out of control.

Me and my bestfriend(the crush...) have anime/manga interest in common. She occasionally goes to anime conventions and stuff. But she never tells me about them, she only says "I was on anime convention last week, look, I took photos". -_-' I told her to let me know next time she goes but she always "forgets". And I honestly have no idea where she gets information about events like this. 
She is my only friend. 
I have some acquaintances (like the former classmate I had crush on and the guy that had crush on me) but I don't know what I have in common with them. Both do watch some anime (classmate said he does "sometimes" when I asked him, the other one started watching it because he liked me) but I don't want to bother them and I doubt they have any friends interested in that stuff anyway. Not to mention the guy that had crush on me would be hurt if I started dating one of his friends. 

I wish there was something like group blind dates in my country(I seen those stuff in anime, it seems like a good idea). But even if there was I don't know enough people to do that. And asking any of my friends/acquaintances to organize that would be awkward.


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## soseductive (Jan 5, 2016)

Prada said:


> All of the signs I set pretty much said "You're the friendest friend to ever friend. Friends?"


You are so adorable)


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## Antipode (Jul 8, 2012)

People don't realize how tough it is for the gays to date. xD

Like, I can't just walk up to a random guy and flirt with them. He could be straight!

However, if I was straight and walked up to a girl and flirted, she could just say she was lesbian and still be flattered without the awkwardness. 

---

Anyway, there's a fine line you'll have to draw between becoming a better charmer but also making sure you're still you.

If you attract someone by not being you, then once that facade eventually drops, that person will be with someone they weren't initially attracted to. So whatever advice you flow with, make sure it's something you could see yourself always doing--that it's just an extension of who you are as a person. 

For myself, my love languages are natural ways that I flirt. I use humor in virtually every instant, being as clever as possible. As the day goes on, I move closer to them, holding hands or even kissing.

Ask questions. But perhaps most importantly: Have a conversation. xD You'd THINK this was obvious, but I've spoken with plenty of guys who just lack any form of conversation abilities. Some may even be really sweet guys, but all they do is wait for me to talk, and they simply react to what I said. It ends up feeling like I'm on stage and they're in the audience.

When conversations naturally flow, somehow the romance, fun, and intimacy increases ten-fold. Listen and have something to say. I don't know if that's something you can work on, per say, but if you feel the conversation is becoming too one-sided and you're not speaking much, do so! 

---

Most important, vaguest advice I can give is to simply have fun.

When I came out about a year and a half ago, I finally entered the dating scene, and it was scary at first. Each new date I would feel a pit in my stomach, with anxiety about anything and everything. Those dates didn't fail, but they weren't fun. I didn't express myself as much. I was quieter. 

There eventually came a time--via getting a few dates under my belt--that it switched and I grew to simply enjoy a date or encounter for what it was. Just two people talking and having fun. Talk about family--interests--travel spots--childhood memories. There's always so many things to talk about. Don't stress--seriously, enjoy yourself and everything will suddenly seem different for you.

---

As for approaching a crush, if you know they're a lesbian, then it's incredibly simple. 

Just talk to them; be confident; be light hearted.

People have this idea that asking someone out means you randomly text them at 4pm, or you walk up to them at the library, and you begin the conversation with, "So... do you wanna go out?"

^Yes, that's incredibly awkward and not how it goes down.

Just have a NORMAL conversation. Throw some jokes around. "Loosen" them up. Someone mentioned getting drunk, and while that's an incredibly stupid thing to say, the concept of loosening up can be beneficial in a conversational sense--meaning, humor and interesting talk loosens people up. After an hour or two of back and forth--you're both smiling and laughing, ask then. 

My move:

I love a date to the movies, but the reason why I like it is because I can pick a movie that's been out for a while. The theater is virtually empty. It's just you two and a movie. And you can joke around while also being intimate--whatever happens happens in that situation.

So after talking for a while, I'll just slip in, "So, X came out awhile ago, but I never got around to seeing it!... [me either!]... Oh? Well let's go on Thursday. We can grab something to eat afterward, too."

^A little bit of advice. There's a difference between lacking confidence, confidence, and jerk. In that phrase, I didn't ask if they wanted to go out, as if I was a little awkward and unsure. I made a question into a statement by taking the lead, being confident that they'd even want to go. "Let's go Thursday!" But I also was clever enough to begin the situation by making sure they were even interested in the movie in question.

It's cliche but always so accurate. Actual confidence is incredibly attractive to pretty much anyone. You're attractive, interesting, and completely deserving of kind love. You have every reason to be confident.


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## Antipode (Jul 8, 2012)

Slagasauras said:


> I'm seriously in the same situation sooooo.
> Subscribing.
> 
> Yay for being closeted homosexuals who have had their feelings pushed underneath the carpet due to homophobic parents!


 Are you still in the closet in general? Or just with the parents?


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## Peter (Feb 27, 2010)

Prada said:


> I know this might sound like a really ridiculous question to majority of you but I'm actually struggling with this.
> 
> You see, my problem is that due to personal reasons (read: homophobic family and denial), I started being interested in dating about 3 years ago when I was 21. Since then I was in love just once and it went miserably and ended really badly. So, here I am, on the dating scene, meeting girls who like girls and wondering what to do. I know the usual "just be yourself", "say what you feel" but here is the problem. I hate expressing my emotions and fear getting my heartbroken again.
> 
> ...


Lack of information is usually the cause of not knowing what to do. So improve your skills on getting information.

what does that mean????? :smile:

Using Body Language

That will get you going. You'd be amazed how much more information you have available to you if you consciously interpret body language. But go about it the right way....

Learn to understand all those body language signs and then learn how to see them in real life in other people. You'll be amazed, once you know how to consciously recognize body langauge, how much information is flying around all the time.

You don't have to apply any of these techniques. You are already using them anyway, you´re just not aware of it. The main thing to learn from this is to recognize your own body language. You'll be surprised, if you really learn this stuff how much you are comunicating to other people without being aware of it. It's fun and annoying at the same time because it reveals often how you really feel. You think you feel a certain way,... and then notice your body language is comunicating the opposite.

Anyway, learning about body language is going to give you a lot more information and you might see your crush comunicating positive signs which you just never noticed.... just having a bit more information can improve your confidence which makes it easier for the other party as well.

And obviously, this is usable in all human interaction, not just dating.


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## Prada (Sep 10, 2015)

@soseductive
Stop derailing my thread and attacking a person who is tying to help me. And I would appreciate if you stopped posting in this thread completely. 

@Antipode Thanks for advice, you're mostly right, I admit. I just have trouble finding the dates because the LGBT community is almost dead here especially when it gets to females.  I *was* thinking about approaching random girls I find attractive and hitting up a conversation with them to ask hem out (a female friend of mine found a girlfriend this way) but, as you say, it's difficult. While I'm not fully closeted, I still have trouble talking about or implying my sexuality because I grew up in a very homophobic society. So that makes things more difficult for me.


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## Notus Asphodelus (Jan 20, 2015)

There are 4 simple rules to making friends with monsters:

1. Always approach the beast with caution. Do not show your fear, but never turn your back. Act with confidence, but do not show arrogance, as this may anger the beast.
2. Show your beast you mean well. Appeal to his desire for survival and prosperity. Provide him with a gift of something he desires.
3. Expect setbacks. Sometimes, you will push too far. Do not give up if you wish to truly be friends with the beast. Reflect on your mistakes and try again, better for them.
4. Do not take trust for granted. The beast will show you when he trusts you. If you wish to proceed towards true friendship, show him your trust in return.


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## LittleHawk (Feb 15, 2011)

I think one of the biggest signs you can give a person is with your eyes! Aint no lying in the eyes... making eye contact is difficult to do if youre shy and not used to it, but it will give both parties some clues into if there is any interest or chemistry and if the feelings are reciprocated!


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## Prada (Sep 10, 2015)

@Notus Asphodelus I would call it the best dating advice ever if the goal wasn't friendzoning the beast.


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## Antipode (Jul 8, 2012)

Prada said:


> @_Antipode_ Thanks for advice, you're mostly right, I admit. I just have trouble finding the dates because the LGBT community is almost dead here especially when it gets to females.  I *was* thinking about approaching random girls I find attractive and hitting up a conversation with them to ask hem out (a female friend of mine found a girlfriend this way) but, as you say, it's difficult. While I'm not fully closeted, I still have trouble talking about or implying my sexuality because I grew up in a very homophobic society. So that makes things more difficult for me.


Totally. I don't think I could do the whole random thing because of the reasons that took up like 2 pages of your thread (sorry), but if it works out well for you.

I go to school at the biggest baptist/christian university in the country, so I know all about a dead gay community in the area xD On and off I use an app called Tinder. I'm not sure if all you've heard are stories about the app just being a hook-up app, but it's not. There's people looking for actual dates. Granted, I've started using it less because the majority of guys on are either looking for a hookup, or they just lack any type of personality.

Notoriously, though, all the females I see on that app seem very sweet and genuine. So perhaps the lesbian side of that app is far more inviting. Just a possible suggestion


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## Notus Asphodelus (Jan 20, 2015)

Prada said:


> @Notus Asphodelus I would call it the best dating advice ever if the goal wasn't friendzoning the beast.


Hehe.. It has to start from somewhere.


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## hal0hal0 (Sep 1, 2012)

*Thread warning

Cool it with the derails please. Constructive advice for OP only and take the arguments elsewhere.
Merci beaucoup!

:kitteh::kitteh::kitteh:
*​


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## Slagasauras (Jun 26, 2013)

Antipode said:


> Are you still in the closet in general? Or just with the parents?


I've been out since I was 18.


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## ECM (Apr 8, 2015)

Alright, best way is to wait until they are not looking. Go behind them with a cloth covered in chloroform. Knock them out with it. Then tie them up and wait for them to wake and say. "Im I not so cute?! I love you so much that I forced yo to be in my presence and to never leave! I love you so much".


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## MisterPerfect (Nov 20, 2015)

Prada said:


> I know this might sound like a really ridiculous question to majority of you but I'm actually struggling with this.
> 
> You see, my problem is that due to personal reasons (read: homophobic family and denial), I started being interested in dating about 3 years ago when I was 21. Since then I was in love just once and it went miserably and ended really badly. So, here I am, on the dating scene, meeting girls who like girls and wondering what to do. I know the usual "just be yourself", "say what you feel" but here is the problem. I hate expressing my emotions and fear getting my heartbroken again.
> 
> ...


Well the trouble with being gay is you have to figure out if your target is gay and trying to pose that question can be a bit awkward. Its kind of like trying to figure out if someone is into S&M. Which they are usually not into S&M but you know wishful thinking. 

If your issue is just the approach you could follow one of the following. 

1.Straight out ask and say you are interested 
2.Create an ellaborate scheme where you just so happen to keep running into each other 
3.Start flirting absent mindendly and slip in some questions about is she available, how she feels about gay people, whats her type ecs

As for knowing when to kiss I not sure about that. I am the type of person who just goes for it or asks if I can. Like I might say "Would you like a hug" since I not entirely sure if you want one or if I should give one. 



EccentricM said:


> Alright, best way is to wait until they are not looking. Go behind them with a cloth covered in chloroform. Knock them out with it. Then tie them up and wait for them to wake and say. "Im I not so cute?! I love you so much that I forced yo to be in my presence and to never leave! I love you so much".


This sounds terribly romantic. I love it


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## fieryelf (Mar 28, 2016)

Prada said:


> Because my knowledge of the matter is pretty much: 1. Ask a girl out 2. ??? 3. ??? 4. Profit. I know how to behave when dating and I know how to behave to befriend someone but not what to do in-between


This describes my problem perfectly, I'm not gay but I'm extremely introverted. I have no awareness of how much someone loves me, I hardly know the girl, I don't want to kiss her yet. And everything I see online tells me I should kiss her by the first or 2nd date otherwise I'm seen as that guy that's too shy to do a move on her, which I find ridiculous. Maybe I'll just be more direct with my feelings next time, hopefully the girl will stay around long enough till I'm feeling ready.

I had people tell me to be more confident, but confidence doesn't give you the knowledge to succeed.


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## Lone Adventurer (Jul 2, 2016)

With wit and subtlety.


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