# How to say to NO to being friends with ex?



## IamAlexa (Jan 28, 2021)

We used to be best friends before we were in a relationship.
We had stopped talking after the breakup. But years later, we talked and then something happened that we stopped talking. This happened again and again. And now, again he initiated the talk. 


I am tired of checking the inboxes again and again because I am tired of predicting the same things --- that he will say that lets be together and that this is best for everyone and all that nonsense. Or he would predict that I would be more than happy to be with him and etc etc... 

I want to say No to these conversations. Not helping me. Okay he understands me, helps me and helped me in my troubles. But, what? Now I can't tolerate the burden of all this prediction. Basically, I am tired of checking the inboxes again and again. And no....I can't turn ON the notifications. I won't. 

Basically, I am tired of this (inbox checking + prediction). 
I don't even want him as a friend now. We wouldn't have been together if we were similar type. 

Is there a way to remove him out of my life?


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## BenevolentBitterBleeding (Mar 16, 2015)

Just tell them your thoughts/feelings outright and cut them off completely... but then own it. That means never backtracking/contacting them again. OR go the extreme route and just ghost/ignore them.


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## jerica (Jun 11, 2021)

Yes. Turn the tables. You preach him this time. Try about Jesus - works with 99.999% accuracy. That is more purity on accuracy than 24K gold has


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## IamAlexa (Jan 28, 2021)

jerica said:


> Yes. Turn the tables. You preach him this time. Try about Jesus - works with 99.999% accuracy. That is more purity on accuracy than 24K gold has


I didn't understand the meaning.


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## NIHM (Mar 24, 2014)

Just tell him how you feel. It's ok if you need to remove someone from your life. Say something like this hot and cold; and back and forth is hurting me and I can't do it anymore. It's completely ok to set boundaries and change. Sounds like this relationship for you has changed. Just talk to him.


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## IamAlexa (Jan 28, 2021)

NIHM said:


> Just tell him how you feel. It's ok if you need to remove someone from your life. Say something like this hot and cold; and back and forth is hurting me and I can't do it anymore. It's completely ok to set boundaries and change. Sounds like this relationship for you has changed. Just talk to him.


Its making me feel like as if I am looking forward to a relationship with him. I am not. 

Its just that I can't say that I don't want to be friends. We were too good friends and that would really hurt him more than anything else. I just said that I don't want to talk to him. So now he is going to assume that I am developing feelings for him that's why I don't want to talk to him. So now he is trying to confirm his doubt. I am not responding to this at all. 
So, in the end, I have closed this chapter. Because I can't deal with all that nonsense again. I was happy with being friends but then I start sensing that nonsense from him and he is such a loser that he won't even speak up. If he would speak up then I would make it clear. But, he is a loser. Even if I bring up and make the issue clear, then also he will pretend as if nothing has happened. Point is that he will save himself first in any case. 
So, I have just closed the chapter of this loser friendship. Can't tolerate it anymore.


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## jerica (Jun 11, 2021)

IamAlexa said:


> Its making me feel like as if I am looking forward to a relationship with him. I am not.
> 
> Its just that I can't say that I don't want to be friends. We were too good friends and that would really hurt him more than anything else. I just said that I don't want to talk to him. So now he is going to assume that I am developing feelings for him that's why I don't want to talk to him. So now he is trying to confirm his doubt. I am not responding to this at all.
> So, in the end, I have closed this chapter. Because I can't deal with all that nonsense again. I was happy with being friends but then I start sensing that nonsense from him and he is such a loser that he won't even speak up. If he would speak up then I would make it clear. But, he is a loser. Even if I bring up and make the issue clear, then also he will pretend as if nothing has happened. Point is that he will save himself first in any case.
> So, I have just closed the chapter of this loser friendship. Can't tolerate it anymore.


Loser. Why is he a loser and you something else? My God...


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## IamAlexa (Jan 28, 2021)

jerica said:


> Loser. Why is he a loser and you something else? My God...


True... I am a loser too. Its a good thing that you pointed out. 
I am an even bigger loser than him, who is giving him importance. I should just remove him out of my life and not even think about that how he feels about it.


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## NIHM (Mar 24, 2014)

IamAlexa said:


> True... I am a loser too. Its a good thing that you pointed out.
> I am an even bigger loser than him, who is giving him importance. I should just remove him out of my life and not even think about that how he feels about it.


I don't think anyone is truly a loser unless you just lay there in your bed and never move, stop breathing, because then that could make loser qualification. Our brains can say the most horrible things to us. You're probably a great person. Now just tell him you don't want to be friends. Again sometimes a tree grows better if you cut off the dead branch in the right season. This feels right, I mean you're online asking strangers what to do so this tells me you've given this a lot of thought. Take a deep breath and just rip that bandaid off fast. You feel like you can't move on, and as sad as this event is, has to happen.


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## jerica (Jun 11, 2021)

IamAlexa said:


> True... I am a loser too. Its a good thing that you pointed out.
> I am an even bigger loser than him, who is giving him importance. I should just remove him out of my life and not even think about that how he feels about it.


Im sorry, I cant bloody respond to this any longer. This stuff is starting to get me to rip off my own damn hair. This is the last generation. Not one single doubt about that. We have become less than common mammals. This is just too weird for me to handle right now, Id rather have a psychopath or five of them right now. Itd feel warmer. Just..

Where the heck is Fru2 and the rest to get some sanity around here.


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## jerica (Jun 11, 2021)

Just disregard me, and listen to NIHM here. Shes encouraging self love. That sells. Damn it, perhaps that is the way of 2021-2033.


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## IamAlexa (Jan 28, 2021)

jerica said:


> Im sorry, I cant bloody respond to this any longer. This stuff is starting to get me to rip off my own damn hair. This is the last generation. Not one single doubt about that. We have become less than common mammals. This is just too weird for me to handle right now, Id rather have a psychopath or five of them right now. Itd feel warmer. Just..
> 
> Where the heck is Fru2 and the rest to get some sanity around here.


Umm okay, the thread is getting into some other direction. 

I was only taunting + I also got some wisdom. 

What I meant by "me being a loser" was that -> I am not even (valuing/respecting myself/focusing on my needs) enough to kick him out of my life and tell him NO to being friends.


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## jerica (Jun 11, 2021)

IamAlexa said:


> Umm okay, the thread is getting into some other direction.
> 
> I was only taunting + I also got some wisdom.
> 
> What I meant by "me being a loser" was that -> I am not even (valuing/respecting myself/focusing on my needs) enough to kick him out of my life and tell him NO to being friends.


By all means, feel free to focus, adore, respect yourself or what ever suits you best. And leave or dont leave your friend there. But pls, try considering the decency and manners to not call an old friend some idiotic loser because he is tenth of the man you need. Maybe not even that.

Find one of your kind and just get on with life. Or get a psychopath and live a lie. Im just too old to guide out from the common social programming anylonger.

Take care.


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## Miharu (Apr 1, 2015)

IamAlexa said:


> I just said that I don't want to talk to him. So now he is going to assume that I am developing feelings for him that's why I don't want to talk to him. So now he is trying to confirm his doubt. I am not responding to this at all.


Then tell him. It really is as simple as that. Don’t bother sparing his feelings if that’s what it’ll take to get him to back off. You have to be consistent and firm when you say your Nos to people otherwise they will never take you seriously nor respect your boundaries. So set those boundaries too.

Tell him exactly how you feel—that you are not interested in anything remotely romantic and you’ll be forced to remove him from your life completely if he doesn’t respect this.

If he crosses the line still, it’s a perfect indicator of his disrespect and utter disregard for your general well-being.

I wouldn’t advice ghosting—that’s messy and unfinished business. Just be direct.


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## idk im bella tho (Jan 14, 2021)

yo say the magic word ''NO'' THEN run as fast as you can and hit them with bread


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## SgtPepper (Nov 22, 2016)

Sometimes you just have to ghost their ass. 😅


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## Electra (Oct 24, 2014)

My x contacted me again after about...20 years, and starting flirting with me, as if I never broke up with him in the first place. I felt like a bitch when I told him that he should get over me, because it wasn't good to be stuck in a dysfunctional past and then he replied that he wasn't stuck in the past, he was _celebrating it,_ and then he left me again.
It was a relief, because we two could not work it out together, but it was a relief still to see that he and his family was doing ok, but he has a family elsewhere now.


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## jerica (Jun 11, 2021)

SgtPepper said:


> Ignorance is, indeed, beyond corruption..


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## lilysocks (Nov 7, 2012)

I'm not sure I'd even tell him how I feel. TBf, I've never had a partner I stayed 'friends' with after breakup, so 'reasonable' expectations may vary. 

Sometimes 'I don't want to' is all the answer you should have to give. Friendship is not an obligation.


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## mosquitosoup (Nov 5, 2020)

jerica said:


> By all means, feel free to focus, adore, respect yourself or what ever suits you best. And leave or dont leave your friend there. But pls, try considering the decency and manners to not call an old friend some idiotic loser because he is tenth of the man you need. Maybe not even that.
> 
> Find one of your kind and just get on with life. Or get a psychopath and live a lie. Im just too old to guide out from the common social programming anylonger.
> 
> Take care.


She's allowed to call an ex whatever she wants :/// especially if it helps her move on


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

BenevolentBitterBleeding said:


> Just tell them your thoughts/feelings outright and cut them off completely... but then own it. That means never backtracking/contacting them again. OR go the extreme route and just ghost/ignore them.


Ghosting can result in cyberspace stalking so watch out, if he's determined to remain in contact. I have stalkers who won't go away, even though they were ghosted.


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## Allostasis (Feb 2, 2021)

IamAlexa said:


> We used to be best friends before we were in a relationship.
> We had stopped talking after the breakup. But years later, we talked and then something happened that we stopped talking. This happened again and again. And now, again he initiated the talk.
> 
> 
> ...


You were best friends.
Maybe this is the reason why he didn't simply deleted you out if his life after breakup?
Best friends are not supposed to delete each other from their lives just like that, without even batting an eye.

I am not sure why most people in the thread immediately assumed that he has to be some stalker/loser/creep, from which you have to run away instead of trying to talk.
Or it just has to be something otherwise negative rather than just an attempt to keep an old friendship.

I read that you are tired from "predicting/assuming" and from checking mailboxes, but I don't see where you are explicitly stating that he is actually doing something that you expect.
It may be not his fault that you are that worried/neurotic about him writing to you.



> is such a loser that he won't even speak up. If he would speak up then I would make it clear.


Note how you, apparently, haven't managed yet to explain yourself to him as well.
You don't like assuming that he assumes something about you, yet you are doing exactly the same.

Of course you can just block him and/or make final closing statement, but I think you may benefit in the long-term from reviewing the way you perceive and handle such things in general.


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## jerica (Jun 11, 2021)

mia-me said:


> Ghosting can result in cyberspace stalking so watch out, if he's determined to remain in contact. I have stalkers who won't go away, even though they were ghosted.


The way that one progresses in a constructive manner is with a clear sense of loss.

The way it is achievable is by undestanding what is it that the possessive one wants and encouraging this person get the fact that the desired one is no longer attractive. F.e. you have someone who is obsessed about having sex with you or full ownership of you. Become UNdesirable sexually (example, use antitraits of what ever is appealing to them to trigger disgust or even NEEDINESS), or get owned with emotion, meaning fall in love. The latter makeds us undesirable as a stalker or mental person would find your love for your spouse gross.

To me, all people that are addicted to the challenge of getting the other in own usage represent massive pathological mental deficiencies.


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## jerica (Jun 11, 2021)

jerica said:


> The way that one progresses in a constructive manner is with a clear sense of loss.
> 
> The way it is achievable is by undestanding what is it that the possessive one wants and encouraging this person get the fact that the desired one is no longer attractive. F.e. you have someone who is obsessed about having sex with you or full ownership of you. Become UNdesirable sexually (example, use antitraits of what ever is appealing to them to trigger disgust or even NEEDINESS), or get owned with emotion, meaning fall in love. The latter makeds us undesirable as a stalker or mental person would find your love for your spouse gross.
> 
> To me, all people that are addicted to the challenge of getting the other in own usage represent massive pathological mental deficiencies.


@Allostasis 
You really think reasoning is gonna be a thing to a person who is full of inflation? No. You wanna lead them, use challenge.

When I was a younger woman, I used to visit clubs. What I noticed, was that 100% of one night stands with my female women were with guys who played with their insecurities, used emotional manipulation, challenged them intellectually and did a hell of a lot of touching asap. All of these friends of mine were prey as their ego related self image was always inflated. And usually, the more pride, the easier the prey.


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## IamAlexa (Jan 28, 2021)

Allostasis said:


> I think you may benefit in the long-term from reviewing the way you perceive and handle such things in general.


Yes true please explain this a bit more and teach me.



Allostasis said:


> I read that you are tired from "predicting/assuming" and from checking mailboxes, but I don't see where you are explicitly stating that he is actually doing something that you expect.
> It may be not his fault that you are that worried/neurotic about him writing to you.


This is his behaviour ----- "not sending any messages" ----> this is what he does before he proposes again.
He was talking regularly. And I was happy with being friends. But when he goes blank and doesn't talk. ---> after this, he proposes.

I was coming regularly as usual to check the inbox but this time he wasn't sending any messages. And it became tiring to again check and check and I know his pattern that what happens when he doesn't send any messages. After this, he proposes. It always happens. 


Point is that now I don't even want him as a friend, so why to even make things clear?

I have never been wrong in predicting his behaviour. And the way he is trying to confirm the reason for my quitting shows that he is assuming that I am developing feelings for him. I knew that this would happen. That's why, I didn't want to quit, but I don't want to talk as well.
If I say that --> "listen dude, I am not putting a break to our friendship because I am feeling for you, but rather it is because I don't want you as a friend" <--- if I say this, that would break his heart. Because we were once best friends. That's why I was avoiding this encounter.


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## jerica (Jun 11, 2021)

Best friends because you didnt realize his true nature back then. Study fake emotional connection, to upgrade your "friends". Or even have the possiblity of that.

Where have everyones parents been? Its like 95% of PerC have been ophans. 
Oh yeah, the parents eternal need for money and social prestige...


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## jerica (Jun 11, 2021)

jerica said:


> Best friends because you didnt realize his true nature back then. Study fake emotional connection, to upgrade your "friends". Or even have the possiblity of that.
> 
> Where have everyones parents been? Its like 95% of PerC have been ophans.
> Oh yeah, the parents eternal need for money and social prestige...


And get down to your knees right about know and thank your god with tiers streaming down to the floor you are not pregnant with that. As you cant even imagine how many lifes were ruined because of a fake persona spouse and "father" of their offspring. FFS.


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## Eren Jaegerbomb (Nov 13, 2015)

jerica said:


> Yes. Turn the tables. You preach him this time. Try about Jesus - works with 99.999% accuracy. That is more purity on accuracy than 24K gold has


Can you please stop being so cryptic every single time...

OK maybe not so much this post but all your other ones.


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## Eren Jaegerbomb (Nov 13, 2015)

IamAlexa said:


> We used to be best friends before we were in a relationship.
> We had stopped talking after the breakup. But years later, we talked and then something happened that we stopped talking. This happened again and again. And now, again he initiated the talk.
> 
> 
> ...


What if. The dude was psycho and is toying with your feelings? That's what it seems like...


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## jerica (Jun 11, 2021)

Eren Jaegerbomb said:


> Can you please stop being so cryptic every single time...


Its already the 3rd time in a very short period a person is getting annoyed by that. I do it because not everything is for everybody. "dont feed the flowers to the pigs, as..."

What I meant is, that if one has an issue of clingy nature, or is undesirable, theres 1:10000 or actually, 1:50000 ratio to get rid of him if youre constantly and consistently talking to him about Jesus. People, collectively hate Jesus. Like genuinely. Or, they can pretend they value him, but with time, their true colors will get revealed.

So using that is efficient, in MANY contexts. If not all.


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## Eren Jaegerbomb (Nov 13, 2015)

jerica said:


> @Allostasis
> You really think reasoning is gonna be a thing to a person who is full of inflation? No. You wanna lead them, use challenge.
> 
> When I was a younger woman, I used to visit clubs. What I noticed, was that 100% of one night stands with my female women were with guys who played with their insecurities, used emotional manipulation, challenged them intellectually and did a hell of a lot of touching asap. All of these friends of mine were prey as their ego related self image was always inflated. And usually, the more pride, the easier the prey.


You talk like a man.
Oh wait you are one.

Show's over.

First Anne now these people.


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## Eren Jaegerbomb (Nov 13, 2015)

jerica said:


> Its already the 3rd time in a very short period a person is getting annoyed by that. I do it because not everything is for everybody. "dont feed the flowers to the pigs, as..."
> 
> What I meant is, that if one has an issue of clingy nature, or is undesirable, theres 1:10000 or actually, 1:50000 ratio to get rid of him if youre constantly and consistently talking to him about Jesus. People, collectively hate Jesus. Like genuinely. Or, they can pretend they value him, but with time, their true colors will get revealed.
> 
> So using that is efficient, in MANY contexts. If not all.


Ahhhh ok well I see...

Just my comprehension.

That is unfortunate that people hate Jesus. He literally did nothing wrong.


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## jerica (Jun 11, 2021)

EREEEEEEEEEN, you got it!!!!!!!!  Yes. Finally I can leave this thread for others to admin this gals situation here.


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## jerica (Jun 11, 2021)

And, according to law x, paragraph y part 7 subdivision a it is currently outlawed to call a someone identifying as a woman a man - in the name of political correctitude.

So if I talk like a male, and look like a female and think of myself as a trans, you have - legally - no business talking about it. Cant you see, individualism has the right to be a tabu. Without some nasty people like you commenting my dreams of penis additions.


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## Eren Jaegerbomb (Nov 13, 2015)

So using that is efficient, in MANY contexts. If not all.
[/QUOTE]
I believe it was.... Don't give the pearls to th


jerica said:


> And, according to law x, paragraph y part 7 subdivision a it is currently outlawed to call a someone identifying as a woman a man - in the name of political correctitude.
> 
> So if I talk like a male, and look like a female and think of myself as a trans, you have - legally - no business talking about it. Cant you see, individualism has the right to be a tabu. Without some nasty people like you commenting my dreams of penis additions.


Lmao. You scoob. You know what I mean..nothing to do with transgenders.


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## Drecon (Jun 20, 2016)

You have to be really firm with yourself. Tell him that you're okay with interacting with him as long as he never brings up getting back together again. As soon as that pops up, break off all communication, no exceptions, ever. 

If you keep that up, you either get to cut off all communications because he doesn't respect your boundaries, or you get a friend back that doesn't ever talk about getting together. 

But this requires consistent and clear communication from you, cutting things off immediately whenever the topic comes up and not allowing anything to slip through. It can be difficult but that's the only way to get to talk to them ever again. 

On the other hand, if you feel like that's not going to happen or you're not up to the challenge, feel free to just block them on all channels that are available to you. He clearly hasn't respected any of your boundaries and setting them back up is going to take effort on your part. Nobody would fault you for not wanting the bother if it doesn't seem worth it to you.


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## IamAlexa (Jan 28, 2021)

Drecon said:


> Nobody would fault you for not wanting the bother if it doesn't seem worth it to you.


I probably needed to hear this. Thanks


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## 0BraincellsRemaining (Apr 27, 2021)

IamAlexa said:


> We used to be best friends before we were in a relationship.
> We had stopped talking after the breakup. But years later, we talked and then something happened that we stopped talking. This happened again and again. And now, again he initiated the talk.
> 
> 
> ...


Just say 'no.'


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

Allostasis said:


> You were best friends.
> Maybe this is the reason why he didn't simply deleted you out if his life after breakup?
> Best friends are not supposed to delete each other from their lives just like that, without even batting an eye.
> 
> ...


Sadly, explanations don't always work since people believe what they want to believe.


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## Allostasis (Feb 2, 2021)

mia-me said:


> Sadly, explanations don't always work since people believe what they want to believe.


Still worth trying since sometimes they Do work. Shielding self in cynic formulas is rarely useful in the long run.


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

Allostasis said:


> Still worth trying since sometimes they Do work. Shielding self in cynic formulas is rarely useful in the long run.


Often enough, one can explain until they're blue in the face and the end result is that the explanation isn't the answer that people want to hear, hence it's rejected. In many ways, the rejection of the explanation can be a power play.


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## Summer70 (Feb 27, 2021)

IamAlexa said:


> Its just that I can't say that I don't want to be friends. We were too good friends and that would really hurt him more than anything else.


The title is surprising. “ How to say to NO to being friends with ex?” I’m being literal, but it’s all in the title. “No, (you’re my ex,) I don’t want to be friend with you.” Nothing more.

Yet, it takes bravery to deliver this simple sentence and accept the consequences. The issue seems less “how to say it”, but more “do you really want to say it”? You say you don’t want to hurt his feelings, but I believe you hurt his feelings more by not saying it. 

A lot of people avoid these discussions. Not as a way to spare people’s feelings, but to avoid confrontation, conflicts... and internal turmoil. Instead of being direct, they let the relationship dies out, hoping that the other one “gets a clue”. They might also bury worrisome feelings under a veil of indifference. It can also be a smart move, as they can change their decisions whenever they want.

You might be one of these person, or you might not be. In the end, what you do and what you don’t do, and the reasons you take these decisions, define your character. It’s up to you to decide who you want to be.


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## IamAlexa (Jan 28, 2021)

Allostasis said:


> Still worth trying since sometimes they Do work.


Its true that speaking the truth and giving the right explanation works. And I do this everytime. But not with him. He will pretend that he is believing what I am saying but internally he will only believe what he wants to believe. So, I feel like its a waste talking to him now. 


> Shielding self in cynic formulas is rarely useful in the long run.


Actually I know him for a lot of years, so that's why I am sure. But I get it what you are trying to say. I agree with you.


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## IamAlexa (Jan 28, 2021)

mia-me said:


> Often enough, one can explain until they're blue in the face and the end result is that the explanation isn't the answer that people want to hear, hence it's rejected. In many ways, the rejection of the explanation can be a power play.


Then the best thing is to just be out of the drama and say "No for friendship" directly. That's the only best possible way left then.


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## IamAlexa (Jan 28, 2021)

Summer70 said:


> You might be one of these person, or you might not be. In the end, what you do and what you don’t do, and the reasons you take these decisions, define your character. It’s up to you to decide who you want to be.


No actually I can't tolerate such kind of indecision in my life regarding people. I want a straight answer and a straight decision always.


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## NIHM (Mar 24, 2014)

idk im bella tho said:


> yo say the magic word ''NO'' THEN run as fast as you can and hit them with bread


Maybe hit them with fermented fish? oufff. Bread is carbs, it'll give your enemies the ability to run after you. Fermented fish, stinks and might distract. Though a loaf of bread could distract, being like "Hey you just hit me with bread and it's not even sliced, you evil bastard..."

So yeah I have too much time on my hands.


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## Allostasis (Feb 2, 2021)

IamAlexa said:


> Its true that speaking the truth and giving the right explanation works. And I do this everytime. But not with him. He will pretend that he is believing what I am saying but internally he will only believe what he wants to believe. So, I feel like its a waste talking to him now.
> 
> Actually I know him for a lot of years, so that's why I am sure. But I get it what you are trying to say. I agree with you.


Yeah, in your case at this point talking is futile imo.
Harsh final answer may be unpleasant in the short term, but hopefully can provide some closure / cut any hope for him at the root, so that all can move on.


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## Penny (Mar 24, 2016)

IamAlexa said:


> We used to be best friends before we were in a relationship.
> We had stopped talking after the breakup. But years later, we talked and then something happened that we stopped talking. This happened again and again. And now, again he initiated the talk.
> 
> 
> ...


dont check your inbox. just ignore him hell get the picture


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

IamAlexa said:


> Then the best thing is to just be out of the drama and say "No for friendship" directly. That's the only best possible way left then.


Let me borrow this thread and try it. 

Okay stalkers, I don't want to be your friend, enemy or anything. Go away.


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## IamAlexa (Jan 28, 2021)

Yes finally I made it clear that I don't want to be his friend. Now let him assume whatever he wants to assume, I don't care. All channels will be blocked for him.


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## NIHM (Mar 24, 2014)

Allostasis said:


> You were best friends.
> Maybe this is the reason why he didn't simply deleted you out if his life after breakup?
> Best friends are not supposed to delete each other from their lives just like that, without even batting an eye.


I guess you missed the part where she said this was "YEARS LATER", years later is a long time to think about deleting someone from their lives. I'm thinking most people would even think months later is a significant amount of time to cut someone from their lives that are causing harm and not helping anymore.



> I am not sure why most people in the thread immediately assumed that he has to be some stalker/loser/creep, from which you have to run away instead of trying to talk.
> Or it just has to be something otherwise negative rather than just an attempt to keep an old friendship.


I'm not sure why you're assuming the majority of us think he's a loser/stalker/or creep. I didn't have that context. I told her to TALK to him. Several others have mentioned, you know this thing called "talking" to communicate and to tell him how she feels and why she's leaving the relationship. Try not to be so inclusive with "all" or "most" language.



> I read that you are tired from "predicting/assuming"


We all assume, even you do. Pot meet Kettle on assuming most of us think he's a creep. I would think maybe 40% of the posters think creep and that's probably an exaggeration.



> and from checking mailboxes, but I don't see where you are explicitly stating that he is actually doing something that you expect.
> It may be not his fault that you are that worried/neurotic about him writing to you.


It doesn't matter, she's expressed she is being caused pain by this. Even if it's self-inflicted, he is the cause of this pain in her head that she has stated "YEARS" to reflect on. Even if he is innocent, he is still the cause of it. Yes, could she have avoided all this if she just talks with him? Yes. But sometimes some relationships when you cross those boundary lines get messy and they can't be put back together within the same nice configuration. Chemistry is a nice subject like that, you can even discover that some chemical reactions cannot be reversed. I'm an extremely overzealous positive person and even I understand this fundamental concept. Even if the person in question is the nicest person she knows. When she sees, writes, or talks it causes pain. Now I'm assuming this (I'm not making fun of her for assumptions because it's human nature) because she's asking strangers on the internet and opening herself up to ridicule by a narcissistic perfect person like yourself to answer back. I certainly wouldn't ask for relationship advice on the internet but she did, so I'm guessing she's thought about this for a while now. It's not some spontaneous "without even batting an eye, " thought process. If you assumed that from her post you and I have completely different definitions of the word spontaneous given the phrase "Years latter" was used in the first post.



> Note how you, apparently, haven't managed yet to explain yourself to him as well.
> You don't like assuming that he assumes something about you, yet you are doing exactly the same.


I'm just going to go out here on the limb, I assume that you make wayward assumptions yourself Mr. Assumer.



> Of course you can just block him and/or make final closing statement, but I think you may benefit in the long-term from reviewing the way you perceive and handle such things in general.


Why can't someone just do that? Here are my reasons for blocking you. Then block them. It's called free will. Anyone at any time can do this to you. Yes normally if it comes from left field (not a stranger), bad form. But If ya dated the person and then find out years later they're not handling the friendship part anymore are you going to be that shell-shocked or sit there and think well that made sense.

I've got news for you, you may want to control your entire world, but control is a complete illusion and highly relative to the user. Also, every human being on this planet including you and me make assumptions. She should talk to him about her feelings. He probably is a great guy and this is going to make it even harder. She already in another post called herself a loser. Like how much do you want her to crumple? I don't get people that watch someone cry, and then kick them when they're down, "Like cry some more." Does it make you feel better about yourself?

If she wants to travel the world, dropping all correspondence from everyone, and play the banjo because she needs to find herself; I would still be that very understanding best friend waiting for her to come off the "walkabout". Speaking about friendships it's not just there when someone is feeling jolly, you've got to be able to let them go and stand in the storm and hopefully one day they'll fly back to you. Right now this is hurting her emotionally. She's had years to think about it. Do you know how many people have ghosted me and then came back years later saying that they were in a bad spot and just needed to find themselves? More than 10. I could be a solid bitch or just unaware of my magnetism but the fact that people come back and tell me this gives me an assumption they actually like me and their walkabout was to heal themselves and about THEM. If he is her best friend he better recognize that.

Two cents, rant over.


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## IamAlexa (Jan 28, 2021)

NIHM said:


> I guess you missed the part where she said this was "YEARS LATER", years later is a long time to think about deleting someone from their lives. I'm thinking most people would even think months later is a significant amount of time to cut someone from their lives that are causing harm and not helping anymore.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for caring for me. 
But I think the discussion has moved more towards some "concept" rather than "my story", so I will stay out of it.


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## Allostasis (Feb 2, 2021)

@NIHM
Since the discussion is already over and you classified your own post as a "rant", I am not sure if I am supposed to reply.

I will say though that I didn't mean to offend and I am not sure why you took it so personally.
Especially since you don't fall into the "most".



> ) because she's asking strangers on the internet and opening herself up to ridicule by a narcissistic perfect person like yourself to answer back.
> Like how much do you want her to crumple? I don't get people that watch someone cry, and then kick them when they're down, "Like cry some more." Does it make you feel better about yourself?


I don't understand what made such an impression. It was not in my intention to ridicule anyone or hurt.
I don't see myself as perfect or just better.


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## IamAlexa (Jan 28, 2021)

I tried to control myself to not reply, but I can't. 


NIHM said:


> If she wants to travel the world, dropping all correspondence from everyone, and play the banjo because she needs to find herself; I would still be that very understanding best friend waiting for her to come off the "walkabout". Speaking about friendships it's not just there when someone is feeling jolly, you've got to be able to let them go and stand in the storm and hopefully one day they'll fly back to you. Right now this is hurting her emotionally. She's had years to think about it. Do you know how many people have ghosted me and then came back years later saying that they were in a bad spot and just needed to find themselves? More than 10. I could be a solid bitch or just unaware of my magnetism but the fact that people come back and tell me this gives me an assumption they actually like me and their walkabout was to heal themselves and about THEM. If he is her best friend he better recognize that.


No way. I am never gonna come to him. Never ever. If I was to come to him, why will I want him to be out of my life? Like how can these two things happen together? And that too with someone who is always thinking of future? If I am with someone, it means I consider them good for my future. 
This anger isn't towards you. But I just can't tolerate even a possibility of thinking that way. 
I cried a lot after breakup, gave myself complete time, recovered from it. And when I am over, then I am over. He tried to propose after long time after that, but I can't tolerate that. I can't tolerate anything like that. 
He is and will always be mentally kicked out of my life. So there's no thing as "moving on". Its him who needs to move on. 



NIHM said:


> Even if he is innocent, he is still the cause of it.


There was a time when I used to be immersed into suicidal thoughts but then he used to make excuses that how he is having his parents' expectations and has lot of burden. 
If I wasn't in that worst state at that time, I would have recognised his unempathetic behaviour but I wasn't capable to do that in that state of mine. 
Some people look innocent and kindest but they will show uncare at those places and times at which you can't even expect. 
He is exactly that case. 
Now I am starting to feel like he is a PSYCHOPATH. 

Anyways, he is out of my life already. I had already blocked him on one app months ago, he initiated the talk few days ago on some other app.



NIHM said:


> Yes, could she have avoided all this if she just talks with him? Yes. But sometimes some relationships when you cross those boundary lines get messy and they can't be put back together.


Well, not really messy. But I feel like being manipulated if I even talk to him. Because he feels like "king" and like "he has it all even after not caring at all". 
And that becomes intolerable for me.


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## idk im bella tho (Jan 14, 2021)

NIHM said:


> Maybe hit them with fermented fish? oufff. Bread is carbs, it'll give your enemies the ability to run after you. Fermented fish, stinks and might distract. Though a loaf of bread could distract, being like "Hey you just hit me with bread and it's not even sliced, you evil bastard..."
> 
> So yeah I have too much time on my hands.


 OR FISH SMIUTHERED IN EGGS


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