# How to get an INTJ to open up- don't try this at home :D



## Master Mind (Aug 15, 2011)

Perihelion said:


> 2. INTJs need time to grow fond of someone. TIME . we ef's need about 5 minutes to welcome someone in our life. intjs need a lot, lot more


Correct. For those who are unable to be patient for the amount of time it would take, well, there are other guys out there, and I would suggest setting your sights on one of them instead.



Perihelion said:


> 3. do talk to him about things of mutual interest.


Correct. And don't feign interest in something that you're not, please.



Perihelion said:


> 4. grow a thick skin. his sarcasm WILL destroy you sometimes and you WILL cry if you're an F. he'll probably be amused by your despair .


I quite frequently use sarcasm. Some are unable to handle it.



Perihelion said:


> 5. but let him know that you're made of tough stuff and challenge him in an interesting way. debate, debate, debate.


The ability to challenge me is a good thing. It will pique my interest and cause me to think favorably of you. Which will increase the likelihood of your success if you have more in mind.


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## Soul_Sample (Apr 29, 2011)

Perihelion said:


> always on the lookout for new insights?
> 
> also, always having to prove something to an intj is my lifestyle these days  my bf won't take 'i don't want to talk about it anymore' for an answer, sometimes it can get really annoying


I can see how that can be irritating. For him. You have to let subjects resolve themselves based on their own momentum. If something is a subject he thinks is worthy\neccessary to talk about, you can either try to bury it down and not talk about it and let him think about it for a week, month or three, until it comes up again (do you want him to let it cook for that long?). Or you can actually talk it out ASAP.


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## Master Mind (Aug 15, 2011)

Soul_Sample said:


> Well, from our perspective it looks more like "I open up to everyone, you're not special in any way".


Exactly. What would separate you from anyone else if I opened up to _everybody_? It's _because_ I open up to you in a way I don't to other people that you know you're special to me.


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## Perihelion (Aug 27, 2012)

Soul_Sample said:


> I can see how that can be irritating. For him. You have to let subjects resolve themselves based on their own momentum. If something is a subject he thinks is worthy\neccessary to talk about, you can either try to bury it down and not talk about it and let him think about it for a week, month or three, until it comes up again (do you want him to let it cook for that long?). Or you can actually talk it out ASAP.


Why should he be the one who decides what is a priority subject to be discussed? 'Oh so you're a T, let me take a bow to your spectacular cognitive skills' approach won't work in a relationship . Accept that you can hurt people by being agressive about some topics they feel they don't want to talk about.


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## A Little Bit of Cheeze (Apr 21, 2012)

Well, if somebody just showed some initiative, without any selfish purpose, I think it would go quite easy for them, depending on whether they could keep my interest, amuse me, and provide thoughtful feedback. 

Like what @LXPilot said, I think the N is something good to bond over, but even S's have good chances if they're patient and actually want to _spend the time _trying to understand. 

It does take time to open up, an oddly my ESFP sister was able to get me to do so, though I'll admit I actually _tried _as well (for what reason, I have _no _clue). So over the summer of last year, we slowly grew closer, and though she annoys the f*ck out of me, I'm quite glad we developed this connection. 

Basically, you just need to show you _are_ committing and worth similar commitment back (we'll be sympathetic sometimes :tongue. I wouldn't open up to somebody with just a casual chat.


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## Soul_Sample (Apr 29, 2011)

Perihelion said:


> Why should he be the one who decides what is a priority subject to be discussed? 'Oh so you're a T, let me take a bow to your spectacular cognitive skills' approach won't work in a relationship . Accept that you can hurt people by being agressive about some topics they feel they don't want to talk about.


Well, is he the one that always decides? Don't you ever talk about things you want to talk about? INTJ approach in general won't work in a relationship. If it did and it was a smooth ride, you wouldn't brag about opening one of us up. Point is - you can decide not to talk about something, but that doesn't mean the problem\issue\discussion is magically over and out. If he's anything like me, it will come up again, usually much better presented and much more insisted upon.


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## Perihelion (Aug 27, 2012)

A Little Bit of Cheeze said:


> we slowly grew closer, and though she annoys the f*ck out of me, I'm quite glad we developed this connection.


I think that's what my bf would have to say about me


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## A Little Bit of Cheeze (Apr 21, 2012)

Perihelion said:


> I think that's what my bf would have to say about me


Well, that's good then, because it basically means we 'care for you' and that's the closest thing you'll get to an "I love you." :crazy:


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## Perihelion (Aug 27, 2012)

Soul_Sample said:


> INTJ approach in general won't work in a relationship. If it did and it was a smooth ride, you wouldn't brag about opening one of us up.


True. The weirdest thing is that once you DO get an intj to open up to you and ONLY you in a relationship, you see so much more then he lets other people see! i swear to god sometimes it's like the Men in black scene with the little cute alien inside of an old wise man


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## entpIdeas (Jun 6, 2011)

Cetanu said:


> This is in no way a tutorial to get an INTJ to open up to anyone.
> 
> This is more of a story of the initiation of your current love life.
> 
> Also, good for you for actually fighting for it. I'd say you're about 1 out of 500,000,000


there are more than that, some have just lost the fight.


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## Sollertis (Aug 2, 2012)

Perihelion said:


> and how exactly can we PROVE our good intentions?


You can't, unless you hang around for a _really _long time.


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## Cetanu (Jan 20, 2012)

Perihelion said:


> Why should he be the one who decides what is a priority subject to be discussed? 'Oh so you're a T, let me take a bow to your spectacular cognitive skills' approach won't work in a relationship . Accept that you can hurt people by being agressive about some topics they feel they don't want to talk about.


I sense you want to sometimes not discuss something.

It's simple, just say "I would like to continue this discussion later, perhaps in a few days or a week after I have thought more about it."


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## Kore (Aug 10, 2012)

Cetanu said:


> I sense you want to sometimes not discuss something.
> 
> It's simple, just say "I would like to continue this discussion later, perhaps in a few days or a week after I have thought more about it."


Hm. . .I say this a lot and people don't take it very well, in my experience. If I am not sure what I think about some subject, intimate or otherwise, I will say "I don't wish to discuss this right now, I will think on it and get back to you." I usually get an answer resembling "Why? Isn't it important to you? Why are you trying to walk away from the conversation? You don't care about _____!"


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## Kore (Aug 10, 2012)

Perihelion said:


> Why should he be the one who decides what is a priority subject to be discussed? 'Oh so you're a T, let me take a bow to your spectacular cognitive skills' approach won't work in a relationship . Accept that you can hurt people by being agressive about some topics they feel they don't want to talk about.


Hm. . . I have been accused of being too aggressive with others. If I am curious about something, I will break it apart, analyse each piece and then ask questions based on my findings. Not that the object of my curiosity cannot tell me it's none of my business, just that I will pose questions about possibly vulnerable subjects for that person. My brother has told me that this can be devastating and that I need to work on compassion. 

I think I am being. . . 

View attachment 46659


But they view me as. . . 
View attachment 46660


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## Cetanu (Jan 20, 2012)

airotciV said:


> Hm. . .I say this a lot and people don't take it very well, in my experience. If I am not sure what I think about some subject, intimate or otherwise, I will say "I don't wish to discuss this right now, I will think on it and get back to you." I usually get an answer resembling "Why? Isn't it important to you? Why are you trying to walk away from the conversation? You don't care about _____!"


Maybe because you say it in a way that makes it seem like you are just backing out of the discussion.
Note that I used positive words in my post where as you gave the example of "I don't wish to..."
Usually I can say "I don't know." and not even say that I'm going to get back to someone later, but I do anyway and then continue.

It is important to note that if you use any of these phrases as a trick to 'back out' of a conversation safely... I will know. I suspect other INTJs would know as well. I lose respect for those that "let me win" an argument to end it prematurely or use other line to get out of it illegitimately.


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## Kore (Aug 10, 2012)

Cetanu said:


> Maybe because you say it in a way that makes it seem like you are just backing out of the discussion.
> Note that I used positive words in my post where as you gave the example of "I don't wish to..."
> Usually I can say "I don't know." and not even say that I'm going to get back to someone later, but I do anyway and then continue.
> 
> It is important to note that if you use any of these phrases as a trick to 'back out' of a conversation safely... I will know. I suspect other INTJs would know as well. I lose respect for those that "let me win" an argument to end it prematurely or use other line to get out of it illegitimately.


It's possible but my tone of voice when saying it is usually one of introspection. I don't understand how they think that I'm not interested in it because it's important enough for me to think about for quite awhile.


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## Kore (Aug 10, 2012)

Perihelion said:


> When I met him, I was just a fearless, happy-go-lucky ENFJ not looking for love .But bam- there he was, in front of my college building, looking at everyone and everything with a condescending glare in his grey eyes.


:laughing: This reminded me of

View attachment 46662


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## Fridays (Jul 12, 2012)

My INTJ was very different to me than what you experienced with your INTJ.
He ended up playing all the games, and his friends wondered if he had hit his head. 
He wanted to talk to me about everything.

When we started to make contact, I said that *if* we are to be seen (like a date), it will be now or at ones. :wink: haha!
For once it was me who set up the rules and it helped.
Everything went very quickly. Wow..!
((...i'm really happy!))




Oh, one more thing.
I am not a person who puts _a high value_ on a person after his or hers educations, jobs, etc, no no, I see *people.* :happy: As a civil engineer he was probably not used to it. He has said many times, that I _"cut his ego"_ in a few months. ..that he needed it. And that was what made ​​it so good. Hmm..  roud:
He likes to joke (half seriously though) that INTJs can sit *TOO LONG* in their home and become *Masters of the Universe.

*


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## Fridays (Jul 12, 2012)




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## Cetanu (Jan 20, 2012)

airotciV said:


> It's possible but my tone of voice when saying it is usually one of introspection. I don't understand how they think that I'm not interested in it because it's important enough for me to think about for quite awhile.


It is all in the intention 

You have to remember that Introverted intuition is (correct me if I'm wrong) most of the time focused on the meaning behind things.
So it would not be inaccurate to say that when I am listening to someone I generally pick up on patterns in their speaking and intentions in their speaking...


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