# I cheated on the love of my life.



## Jagdpanther (May 16, 2015)

I have one thing to say :
You're an idiot.


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## Leviticus Cornwall (Mar 27, 2014)

Just remembered that the week of the cheating the local girl said I could talk to the long distance girl. My will didn't break. I lost sight of the line to not cross. 

It happened during the time when we lost all hope in being able to be together and literally planned on just writing letters. I lost sight of the line and things got complicated when me and the local girl grew back together.

I move on too quick is the biggest issue and that's something else I need to address and fix.


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## MsBossyPants (Oct 5, 2011)

BIGJake111 said:


> I posted the link in the entj forum, I didn't consider this type related and came here first.
> 
> I take full responsibility for allowing myself to the people I did.
> 
> However, it is important to realize the torment within the relationship at times* and what that can cause people to do. *Weather a cheater should be forgiven or not fully depends on the circumstances, the exact circumstances I would want to know if the roles were switched and she cheated on me.


 You're not a victim of circumstance. *You made a choice* to cheat. 



> My biggest worry for the continuation of the relationship is her understanding of my actions, it's important that she realizes that I did value her and always care about her and that she knows* that I was driven to do this* in the Same way she was driven to do push pull things that hurt me greatly as well, but i understand her reasons, both issues that we both should nail down.


 Sticking with the "it's not really my fault ... I couldn't help it " scenario? 



> I have cut all contact and will never reopen it with the temptation, what I mean by not anyone is that this isn't a traditional "oh look I can sleep with this hot girl at a party I'll do it"
> 
> Rather this was someone with a strong previous emotional connection who knew every button to press in me and I trusted fully.


That doesn't make it any more justified. That's actually worse. You didn't have drunk, random, loveless sex with some pick-up at a party. You made the decision to hook up with someone you have feelings for on some level. That makes the betrayal of intimatcy not just sexual, but emotional as well. 



> It was my mistake to go to her for compassion When the relationship was rough, I fully except that and it was my mistake for cheating.
> 
> However looking at the circumstances and who she was and all else allows me to better understand myself and my actions and gives me complete confidence in it never happening again. *It is not a justification for my actions, rather a perfect storm scenario *that helps me see why I did it and how I can not do it again.


Really? Because that's *exactly* what it sounds like: "If only A, B, and C wouldn't have happened, it wouldn't have driven me to have sex with someone else and then lie (by omission) to my girl friend about it until I got caught. Given the circumstances, I coudn't help it."

**throws bullshit flag**


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## Toru Okada (May 10, 2011)

BIGJake111 said:


> She means the world to me. But shitfaces on the Internet will obviously say that love doesn't exist young and such, just trying to appease those people and get them out of the thread.


It's hardly likely that anyone you date in highschool will end up staying with you for long. People don't settle down now until around age 30 or later, and then they usually get divorced. I don't mean to lecture you but don't let love syndrome make any single romantic interest that important in your life. I don't mean to say that you don't feel true love, because you are obviously suffering from _withdrawal_. 

When I was in high school and on into my early 20's, I wish I had more control over how I experienced love because it can be very intense at that age. Young men in love are usually foolish, they can feel it too intensely and put too much emotional stock in one person. That's as fundamental a mistake as cheating IMO. 

Stay busy.


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## koalaroo (Nov 25, 2011)

Aren't you, like, in high school or your freshman year of college or something? Little young to have a "love of your life." I also agree with @MsBossyPants. Bullshit meter is in the red zone here.


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## Razare (Apr 21, 2009)

BIGJake111 said:


> I have massively fucked up and want to show her I can be the man she deserves for me to be.


It's nothing against you personally, but how you seem to be processing this mentally will likely lead you down the same path again.

1st you hid the fact that you did this after the deed was done... a person who was truly repentant would have told her willingly of the affair. In other words, you are basically operating in guilt and fear. Fear she will leave you, so you don't tell her. Guilt and fear will cause you to repeat this behavior, because this sort of mentality stirs up lusts, tempting to violate your conscience again.

2nd now that she has found out, you are feeling you are not behaving good enough for her. You are going to "try to do better" from now on. But ultimately it is the guilt and fear motivating you to "try harder". Yet if you inherently wanted to do good in the first place, you would have just come clean originally and not hid the fact. 

People mess up and affairs can happen, but choosing to operate continually in a state of deception is just going to eat you up and cause you to stumble more and more.

People can change, but it usually happens in the opposite way you are doing things... real change might look like.

*I had an affair so I told my girlfriend / wife so I could be honest.* If you did this, you are valuing honesty above your own well being or even your relationship... a highly admirable quality indicative of a person who actually "wants to do better".

In other words, you have to put virtuous qualities in your heart, before you are going to manifest them out into actions.

------------

Don't think I'm condemning you, I am in the same boat you are in many ways. It's just I know a "try hard" mentality born out of guilt and fear isn't the way out.


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## Leviticus Cornwall (Mar 27, 2014)

Razare said:


> It's nothing against you personally, but how you seem to be processing this mentally will likely lead you down the same path again.
> 
> 1st you hid the fact that you did this after the deed was done... a person who was truly repentant would have told her willingly of the affair. In other words, you are basically operating in guilt and fear. Fear she will leave you, so you don't tell her. Guilt and fear will cause you to repeat this behavior, because this sort of mentality stirs up lusts, tempting to violate your conscience again.
> 
> ...


No I understand. I risked the relationship by telling her everything about me that I had done before the relationship, it would've been really convent to not tell her anything. But with long distance girl and many other things I came clean about every bit of it to her with honesty, and it truly did hurt her image of me but also allowed me to personally grow in many areas. 

This was the single thing I kept from her. I think due to the confusion I personally had of the situation. I was horribly confused and didn't understand any of it until recently. Knowing what I do now and why I did things rather then feeling like I just lost control of myself and my will I would've been able to tell her more than I did.

She knew some of it all including the emotional cheating, but she didn't know the physical. She knew I was tempted and knew when I facetimed the other girl, but didn't know that I fell to the temptation.

I was a ashamed and wanted to protect my pride rather then having the guts to tell her and show respect her enough so that she could have the truth. 

Honestly the withholding of information is my absolute biggest issue here over the actual cheating it self.


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## Surreal Snake (Nov 17, 2009)

Cheating unforgivable in my book. From page one to the end.


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## Razare (Apr 21, 2009)

BIGJake111 said:


> No I understand. I risked the relationship by telling her everything about me that I had done before the relationship, it would've been really convent to not tell her anything. But with long distance girl and many other things I came clean about every bit of it to her with honesty, and it truly did hurt her image of me but also allowed me to personally grow in many areas.


I get the impression you felt bad about these past things.

It's not healthy to carry this stuff around. The way you said this, makes it seem like it was a huge weight off your chest, which suggests you were carrying around guilt.

If you were over these past things, it wouldn't be a burden to you.

God gives people clean slates, so we can start over with new lives, you just call on Jesus to make it happen.

I wouldn't go around living with stuff like this, it is not healthy.


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## piano (May 21, 2015)

@MsBossyPants and @Jagdpanther nailed it

after the initial post, there is so much bullshit being laid out that i'd need a submarine to wade through it all


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## Jagdpanther (May 16, 2015)

@i cant play the piano I didn't even bother reading all the posts.


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## Leviticus Cornwall (Mar 27, 2014)

I have really rooted things down.

My biggest issue. 

No talk of manipulation or being driven to do anything.


Those from the entj forum may remember me asking a girl to prom.

That was the day after the first time she left me.

I have always been ashamed of who I am when depressed or hurt as I have been walked over by girls since I was far too young to be doing so.

I have a lot of baggage that I am really ashamed of and have been coping with. I was essentially a sec addict and yes man. I spent far too much time of my youth speaking with broken girls I had met on chat rooms, telling myself I was helping them. This behavior was triggered but other hardships and things that caused me to be really mentally unhealthy as a child. 

The first time I experienced love was with the long distance girl during all of this, she finally helped me be consistent and grow. 

When I found the local girl I knew she was the right one, an intp with super high standards. I could love her and be great for her and she could also make me strong and keep me in check. 

I had grown a ton before the first girl then a lot more with the first girl, the second girl is when I was supposed to be better forever. 

I wanted to be perfect for her, I valued her way above myself or anyone else as entjs sometimes do the very few people we respect. 

These issues had carried over into highschool to a lesser extent but I had a bad reputation. I was always respectful to girls, but was not respectful to myself. 

I came clean about all of this to the local girl gradually but finally told her every last thing after the second time she left me. It helped me grow tremendously despite causing her to lose some trust.

To the point 

Anyways the direct root and correlation of each event. 
The first time she left me, I prepared to ask a girl to prom the next day in the time she was away. I trusted she had made up her mind and was gone forever. 

The idea was to ask this entj girl to prom who I knew I could not be romantic with but would also keep me busy and mentally stable.

I did not want to relapse, and asking this entj to prom was my protection while I waited on my local girl to come around as she said we may try again some time after prom.

She came back that night as I made the prom poster. Which was very difficult. I told her I loved her and accepted her despite her leaving. I also told her though that I had already made this poster and if she really did feel like leaving, maybe me and this other girl going till prom then trying again was right.

The entj said no and me and the local girl were back to being great within a week.

The second time she left me, I did begin to relapse. I didn't let anything go too far but the thoughts came back and the temptations. I fought them though and made it until the time that the local girl came back. 

When she did though she was adamant that we were a tragedy. A tragic love. And that things would be hell until college. She entered a daisy and Gatsby mind set and we started writing letters after we lost hope on her family allowing things.

I lost hope in the relationship and was sure we wouldn't be romantic or physically together until college.

I asked her if I could have a friendship with the long distance girl. I didn't want to relapse and wanted the consistency that I had with the long distance girl. 

I knew I could not kiss the long distance girl, I knew in the long run me and her couldn't be together but that it would also prevent me from relapsing with relationships where love was not involved.

I wanted to stay good for my local girl while we were apart.

It turned into more than a friendship pretty quick, which got really confusing when my local girl started coming back.

The second letter of the local girl was a love letter and talked about how we would make things work. 

I sent a picture of this to the long distance girl, I didn't have the guts to tell her that me and the local girl would work out.

I didn't have the guts to break it to the long distance girl that when I told her we could be friends until the local girl came back, I was wrong.

The long distance girl really did care a lot for me and was extremely happy during my time of disloyalty. I loved her as a friend at the least and it hurt me to take this away from her. 

I showed her the letter hopping she would leave or become friendly because I didn't have the guts to request that of her.

There was one last time after that that we were disloyal. I wanted to be friendly when I facetimed but she offered that she take her shirt off, I broke to that. I stopped things before they went too far and me and her both realized how fucked up we were and went sesperate ways. 

Tldr. 

I had issues in the past. And also don't give things enough time to develop, once something is over I move on instantly to protect myself from depression and relapsing of bad behavior.

I did what I did to try and protect myself and the local girl but ultimately needed to burry my baggage which I did recently when I came fully clean about it.

That's why I feel like a different man, not because I can say I won't cheat again or anything but because for once and for all someone knows about my issues and wanted to help me grow. And simply making it real by talking about it allowed me to burry it behind me. 


I wish I had had that convorsation before any of the times that she left. 

The core root of my issues is me not being able to say no, not being able to wait, and having a reliance on things to protect myself from my issues. I nailed down the baggage and reliance but it took until this thread for me to really see me issues in dishonestly and not telling people things.


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## Leviticus Cornwall (Mar 27, 2014)

Razare said:


> It's nothing against you personally, but how you seem to be processing this mentally will likely lead you down the same path again.
> 
> 1st you hid the fact that you did this after the deed was done... a person who was truly repentant would have told her willingly of the affair. In other words, you are basically operating in guilt and fear. Fear she will leave you, so you don't tell her. Guilt and fear will cause you to repeat this behavior, because this sort of mentality stirs up lusts, tempting to violate your conscience again.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for this post.


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## Leviticus Cornwall (Mar 27, 2014)

Razare said:


> I get the impression you felt bad about these past things.
> 
> It's not healthy to carry this stuff around. The way you said this, makes it seem like it was a huge weight off your chest, which suggests you were carrying around guilt.
> 
> ...


I want to thank you a lot for this post. Coming clean meant the world to me and is why I now feel different and why I had zero concept of time. I felt like when I cheated was at least two months ago but It was barely one because I had changed so much.

One of the reasons I pursued the local girl was for personal growth. It meant the world to me when I got that from her.


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## Peter (Feb 27, 2010)

BIGJake111 said:


> Our 6 months would be Monday. I need help rekindling things, this girl means way more to me then anyone before and I highly regret my mistakes and also take responsibility for them. I have been loyal for an extended time and my partner knew the times when I maintained a friendship with the girl i cheated on her with. However, she found out yesterday that I did actually cheat. I have cut off all communication with the girl i cheated on her with and have assurance that I never will again. It is all really complicated, please ask questions as it would be hard for me to just lay it all out here.
> 
> I have massively fucked up and want to show her I can be the man she deserves for me to be.


"love of your life" ?

Yeah right.

If she would be, this wouldn't have happened.


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## platorepublic (Dec 27, 2012)

you guys are not even married or have kids... who cares... there is no contract, nobody owes anyone anything.


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## Peter (Feb 27, 2010)

platorepublic said:


> you guys are not even married or have kids... who cares... there is no contract, nobody owes anyone anything.


uhm,... Te + as little F as possible,....... ENTJ?

:happy:


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## platorepublic (Dec 27, 2012)

peter said:


> uhm,... Te + as little f as possible,....... Entj?
> 
> :happy:


infj  who's only been with ENTJs...


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## Sygma (Dec 19, 2014)

BIGJake111 said:


> I have logic and sense for why I made the actions I did.
> 
> It doesn't justify it. But to have logic is great. To figure myself out means I can prevent it from ever happening again and not just say I won't do it. Now I know I will not do it.
> 
> ...


No, you don't care about her or you wouldn't have cheated on her.

Sorry but you're weak man. When you tell someone things from the heart it's not supposed to change, unless you're bound by some despair but then again, there. are not. excuses. for what you did. You do your shit and then move on.

If she can trust you again, that's all great. But finding a logical explanation is all kind of bullshit. What it's gonna be the next time, you wanted to fuck someone else while you were all kind of drunk because you couldn't restrain yourself and she was kinda cute ? _Again, you'll find a logical explanation and there's no need to create drama_ ? Heh

Give that girl someone better than you. It just has been six months anyway it's not like you're bound for life.


Also



> I had grown a ton before the first girl then a lot more with the first girl, the second girl is when I was supposed to be better forever.
> 
> I wanted to be perfect for her, I valued her way above myself or anyone else as entjs sometimes do the very few people we respect


Yeah man you're just not there. A relationship is a bonus to your life. It's not something you re supposed to value above all else, it's all cool to be with a partner that is helping you grow or so you think, but do you imagine how DRAINING it is for her ? how intense ? 

You need to be strong, you need to be a model for her, you need to have some self confidence and all of that. When you meet someone, you take six months to actually _begin to romantically date her_. I'm not even kidding, you take everything slow, develop a friendship, get to know her, her maneers, her habits, see if you click and most importantly within that time, you get to know if it's a dependable person.

This work both ways. I just can't understand people beeing together after two three weeks and then are surprised that it crumble down after a couple of months. Well no shit Sherlock, what you're calling love of my life is simply you beeing emotionally attached because the relationship give you both meaning AND purpose.

But that my friend is something you need to have ON YOUR OWN.

So do yourself a favor and fix your own mess.

You need to be like a river. You need to be a steady stream of water in the scheme of things. Your presence, your conscious have to be cleared of rocks as much as possible, so your potential relationship will not be made of rapids created in your mind. Visualise that. And embrace it


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## Peter (Feb 27, 2010)

platorepublic said:


> infj  who's only been with ENTJs...


I guess it rubbed off on you :happy:

And Fe can be worse than Te. People never understand this, but it's true.


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## Deus Absconditus (Feb 27, 2011)

6 months? Love of your life? You're going to encounter many loves of your life my friend if you think this one is the one after such a short period of time. Shit when I was 17 I was in a relationship for a year already that ended up only lasting another year after that, ironically due to the fact that I cheated on her. At the time she felt like the love of my life, especially because my ex before her was another long term (for that age) relationship but one where she cheated on me constantly and fucked my young teenage mind all up. So when I cheated on the girlfriend after her (the ex who fucked my teenage mind up for a couple of years) I had this guilt that killed me inside because I knew I betrayed a girl who would have never done such a thing to me. I was also emotionally abusive to her, so us breaking up was good for our mental health in the long run, but wish I would've avoided being the one that taught her the "valuable lesson" that I learned prior to her. After her I never cheated again because it just doesn't appeal to me, nor do I care to be in a relationship if I know there is a chance of me ever cheating, I find it to be a pointless endeavor because a relationship to me is one where your full being is committed to the end.

As for what you should do, well not much you can do now but state that you are sorry, tell her you'll give her space, and move on from there. Dont bother her, don't constantly ask her about how she feels about you, don't ask her if she ever thinks about you, and if you do end up talking to her again then do so casually without mention of the cheating (after you apologized of course) unless she brings it up.

Honestly relationships are hard to recover once one of the partners have cheated. It's not impossible to fix, but it's not likely probable either. Even if you were to win her back over you will most likely have to worry about her always questioning your actions, and accusing you of cheating or wanting to cheat even if you didn't or don't want too. Cheating makes people irrationally paranoid, not that the reason behind their paranoia isn't rational but the paranoia itself is usually displayed irrationally which just further destroys the relationship.

You need to prepare yourself to emotionally move on from her, and to take this as a learning lesson for future relationships. Understand next time that if cheating is a possibility that you need to admit to yourself that the relationship you are currently in (or going to be in for this matter) doesn't have your full cooperation in being faithful to your commitment to them. If you want to fool around then stay single, or find a girl who doesn't mind or is a swinger.


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## Deus Absconditus (Feb 27, 2011)

devoid said:


> I don't understand why the cheating is the primary concern here. *She left him twice before he ever cheated*!! xD If he wasn't good enough for her then, why the hell would he be good enough after cheating on her? Clearly this wasn't even the main problem in their relationship. *When someone breaks up with you twice within the first six months of dating, you're already done at that point. There's no salvaging it, and this guy just went and destroyed what remnants were left.*


Not quite, my s/o & I who have been together for 3 years broke up 3 times in the first two months, with me leaving her all three times. Ever since then we haven't broke up once, and now live together. Not saying we can't ever break up, or that are don't have problems now that we deal with, but our relationship wasn't ruined by the break ups and was salvaged.

Him cheating though on top of the prior break ups does increase the probability, exponentially, in not being able to salvage it, but it's not completely impossible, just very very improbable in this moment in time.


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## TheCosmicHeart (Jun 24, 2015)

I think we can all logically agree, that the outcome of all of this is a life lesson for him and for his sake take what he can out of what has been said to him into consideration, and hopefully in the future will help him defuse another situation like this before it happens again, all we can do is wish him a steady journey in his future romantic journeys, and offer the best advice we can when needed


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## devoid (Jan 3, 2011)

Atrium Strutionum said:


> Not quite, my s/o & I who have been together for 3 years broke up 3 times in the first two months, with me leaving her all three times. Ever since then we haven't broke up once, and now live together. *Not saying we can't ever break up, or that are don't have problems now that we deal with*, but our relationship wasn't ruined by the break ups and was salvaged.
> 
> Him cheating though on top of the prior break ups does increase the probability, exponentially, in not being able to salvage it, but it's not completely impossible, just very very improbable in this moment in time.


This is not inspiring much hope. xD I've been in a few 2-year relationships in which we had a lot of fights and breakups early on. All of them ended in total disaster. The best relationships to me seem to be the ones in which you never feel the desire to break up, even when you argue.


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## Deus Absconditus (Feb 27, 2011)

devoid said:


> This is not inspiring much hope. xD I've been in a few 2-year relationships in which we had a lot of fights and breakups early on. All of them ended in total disaster. The best relationships to me seem to be the ones in which you never feel the desire to break up, even when you argue.


I personally would think it's a bit unrealistic to believe that you would never break up with someone, so I always keep the possibility open that it could happen no matter how improbable, and every couple has problems that they deal with. Do you think that some couples have no problems at all?

I agree though that the best relationships would be the ones that you never feel the desire to break up, even during an argument, but like I said before she and I have never broken up since those first two months out of our (so far) three year relationship, nor have we threatened each other with it but not many things in life can be covered with a blanket statement.


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## devoid (Jan 3, 2011)

Atrium Strutionum said:


> I personally would think it's a bit unrealistic to believe that you would never break up with someone, so I always keep the possibility open that it could happen no matter how improbable, and every couple has problems that they deal with. Do you think that some couples have no problems at all?
> 
> I agree though that the best relationships would be the ones that you never feel the desire to break up, even during an argument, but like I said before she and I have never broken up since those first two months out of our (so far) three year relationship, nor have we threatened each other with it but not many things in life can be covered with a blanket statement.


No need to create a black and white dichotomy of "no problems or lots of problems." But I view breaking up with someone as different from having problems in a relationship. Maybe it's just my mentality and not something which applies to you or your circumstance. I have no idea.

In several relationships, I've had thoughts of breaking up with them early on and then later realised I should have gone with my intuition, even though there were never any actual problems or fights between us initially. In my current relationship, there are tons of problems (although not exactly relating to our personalities or connection, more situational) and I've so far felt compelled to get drunk for a week straight, put myself in dangerous situations to test my own loyalty, challenge him openly in many ways, show up an hour late to multiple dates with the thought of not showing up at all, vent about it, sit in the park at midnight staring into a fountain for hours... but never once have I felt like I wanted to break up. Something in me says that I'd much rather put all my energy into finding solutions to these problems with him, as opposed to giving up.


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## Deus Absconditus (Feb 27, 2011)

devoid said:


> No need to create a black and white dichotomy of "no problems or lots of problems." But I view breaking up with someone as different from having problems in a relationship. Maybe it's just my mentality and not something which applies to you or your circumstance. I have no idea.
> 
> In several relationships, I've had thoughts of breaking up with them early on and then later realised I should have gone with my intuition, even though there were never any actual problems or fights between us initially. In my current relationship, there are tons of problems (although not exactly relating to our personalities or connection, more situational) and I've so far felt compelled to get drunk for a week straight, put myself in dangerous situations to test my own loyalty, challenge him openly in many ways, show up an hour late to multiple dates with the thought of not showing up at all, vent about it, sit in the park at midnight staring into a fountain for hours... but never once have I felt like I wanted to break up. *Something in me says that I'd much rather put all my energy into finding solutions to these problems with him, as opposed to giving up.*


Agreed with bold.

As for you testing yourself, if I may ask, why do you test things in the fashion that you do? It's odd behavior to me, the whole testing your loyalty, along with showing up late or being a no show, on purpose, for a date planned with your s/o, and wanting to get drunk for a weak straight because of your relationship (which I will assume isn't one of the most healthiest of behaviors). Perhaps I misunderstood you, but if not then I must ask, don't those actions seem a bit extreme? Or would you consider that normal behavior for you?


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## Thalassa (Jun 10, 2010)

BIGJake111 said:


> An illogical occultist who hates science probably isn't my best bet on information. I screwed up and probably should disappear for a while which I think I may. But as two logic based NTs, one must consider what happened and I see it as only logical to attempt and continue things.
> 
> Due to a lack of communication a lot of my facts were wrong and it's a help getting those clear now as well.
> 
> It's an uphill battle and I'm at the bottom of the trough, what matters is my eyes are on one day being atop the mountain.


I'm pretty sure you're a mistyped ESTP. THIS THREAD IS HILARIOUS.

Even if you are seventeen, brother this ain't logical, this is a shit storm of EXXP bs, with all due respect. 

You may not be able to be a monogamous person. Ever. You may not be able to be monogamous until you are older. But what you can be is honest. Be honest. 

Also, I think you are very confused about what love is and are just idealizing the girl because she no longer wants you.


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## Thalassa (Jun 10, 2010)

BIGJake111 said:


> You nailed long distance girl, local girl was never really a disagreement and seeing the time line now it was always during really really tough personal times for her and not really about us.
> 
> She did lots of push pull with me which hurt, but laying out the time line helps me personally see why she did this and that it actually happened a lot less then I felt it did.
> I did send her the time line as we are both Ts and need logic to get though this and not emotion. She feels as if I lied to her the whole relationship but the time that I faltered was really short actually. And can better see what was going on with me her and us at the times things happened.
> ...


F. Scott Fitzgerald was an SP, not an ENTJ "Gatsby"...look with all your compulsive quick "moving on" and sex addiction before you're even eighteen years old, plus this completely spontaneous self destructive car accident apparently (?) and your poor grasp of time and see saw behavior, I am insisting you're a Pe dom. You're too young too show this much tertiary Se.


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## devoid (Jan 3, 2011)

Atrium Strutionum said:


> Agreed with bold.
> 
> As for you testing yourself, if I may ask, why do you test things in the fashion that you do? It's odd behavior to me, the whole testing your loyalty, along with showing up late or being a no show, on purpose, for a date planned with your s/o, and wanting to get drunk for a weak straight because of your relationship (which I will assume isn't one of the most healthiest of behaviors). Perhaps I misunderstood you, but if not then I must ask, don't those actions seem a bit extreme? Or would you consider that normal behavior for you?


None of it is normal behavior for me in the slightest. I've always been a very brave and adventurous person, very headstrong, but this situation is out of my depth and I'm not used to that. He's 30 years old than I am and ridiculously powerful/connected, not to mention fairly wealthy. In the beginning (when I would randomly show up an hour late and consider not even coming to dates) I was intimidated by him and didn't want to get emotionally attached too quickly in case he either manipulated me or decided I was too young/inexperienced. The week of getting drunk was after he hinted that he was very serious about the relationship and was thinking of marrying me. I was overwhelmed and terrified at the thought of having my life so dramatically changed - both emotionally and in social class. I was worried that I wouldn't be a good enough partner. I was overwhelmed also because I'm usually a commitment phobe, but when he hinted at it I realised that I would say yes. And I tested myself to see whether this was something I truly wanted, by surrounding myself with younger and more "normal" men, going on a super casual date with a guy my age, hanging around bars, etc. After that one week I remembered that I've always found normal people to be boring as hell, and realised that his age really doesn't bother me.

And also at the end of that week, he helped me overcome my anxiety about the class difference by spending the night at my place rather than a hotel for a change. I cooked dinner, we hung out at my favorite dive bar, and he adorably stayed the night in my little twin bed trying to be quiet and not wake my roommate. He seemed more comfortable and happy in my world than I am in his. It made me realise that he's trying to share something with me, not just take me away from my familiar safe place. And in the end... I love him. That's all that really matters. We have some huge obstacles to overcome, but we've both decided it's worth it.


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## Thalassa (Jun 10, 2010)

MNiS said:


> I really must apologize for being so antagonistic but this is terrible advice. Even teenagers as young as 10 have language to describe the status of two people dating. Just because the OP is technically a teenager doesn't make it any more acceptable if they were in a committed relationship.
> 
> True, someone at age 17 probably isn't looking for long term commitment because both young men and women want to sow their wild oats, so to speak when they're young but being in a relationship that isn't an open relationship has an expectation of monogamy and to be seeing two people at the same time without either knowing that they aren't the only girlfriend is just simply cheating and unethical.



Yeah I'm having a really hard time how he's rationalizing that one was the real gf and one was not. I'm sure they likely both thought of themselves as the real gf and he admits having an emotional connection to both in different ways. He talks about the local girl making him a better person and having high standards, which makes me think again hes an EXTP projecting FJ saintly martyr gf to heal him from his wayward sex addict, dating 3/4 my class, moving on too fast, look at my porche, I'm Jay Gatsby ways...if anything I think he just idealized the local girl because the love is forbidden by her parents, a sense of romance was created by her letters, and now he can't have her, so he's put her on a pedestal. 

I also hate to join the Greek choir here telling him he doesn't know what love is, but I have to inform him as one of Fitzgeralds biggest fans is that Daisy was a self absorbed narcissist, Gatsby was delusional and The Great Gatsby is a book about empty, selfish people and illusions.


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## Chesire Tower (Jan 19, 2013)

Melting Locks said:


> This^
> 
> * *
> 
> ...


I agree with you and @LostFavor on this; while the OP definitely needs a reality check regarding his situation; the smugness, judgemental chastising of some of the posters in this thread, just blows my mind. Has any of you even taken into account his age? He probably is way too young to know that any one woman could be the "love of his life" but he is far from relationship experienced and the attitude that despite his young age, lack of relationship experience, maturity, etc.; that he nevertheless ought to have somehow known better? Really? Cuz I like most of you, had everything already figured out by age 21. 

:dry:


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## planetanarchy (Aug 10, 2013)

Karma Exterminates said:


> I agree with you and @_LostFavor_ on this; while the OP definitely needs a reality check regarding his situation; the smugness, judgemental chastising of some of the posters in this thread, just blows my mind. Has any of you even taken into account his age? He probably is way too young to know that any one woman could be the "love of his life" but he is far from relationship experienced and the attitude that despite his young age, lack of relationship experience, maturity, etc.; that he nevertheless ought to have somehow known better? Really? Cuz I like most of you, had everything already figured out by age 21.
> 
> :dry:


My point exactly


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## Chesire Tower (Jan 19, 2013)

planetanarchy said:


> My point exactly


Sorry, I forgot to mention you; my bad. :blushed:


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## planetanarchy (Aug 10, 2013)

Karma Exterminates said:


> Sorry, I forgot to mention you; my bad. :blushed:


 hehe, it's ok sweety <3 I was not looking for credit- really liked and appreciated your post and feel the same way- that is where my first instincts were too.


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## MNiS (Jan 30, 2010)

thalassa said:


> yeah i'm having a really hard time how he's rationalizing that one was the real gf and one was not. I'm sure they likely both thought of themselves as the real gf and he admits having an emotional connection to both in different ways. He talks about the local girl making him a better person and having high standards, which makes me think again hes an extp projecting fj saintly martyr gf to heal him from his wayward sex addict, dating 3/4 my class, moving on too fast, look at my porche, i'm jay gatsby ways...if anything i think he just idealized the local girl because the love is forbidden by her parents, a sense of romance was created by her letters, and now he can't have her, so he's put her on a pedestal.
> 
> I also hate to join the greek choir here telling him he doesn't know what love is, but i have to inform him as one of fitzgeralds biggest fans is that daisy was a self absorbed narcissist, gatsby was delusional and the great gatsby is a book about empty, selfish people and illusions.


yhpm.


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## L'Enfant Terrible (Jun 8, 2014)

BIGJake111 said:


> Our 6 months would be Monday. I need help rekindling things, this girl means way more to me then anyone before and I highly regret my mistakes and also take responsibility for them. I have been loyal for an extended time and my partner knew the times when I maintained a friendship with the girl i cheated on her with. However, she found out yesterday that I did actually cheat. I have cut off all communication with the girl i cheated on her with and have assurance that I never will again. It is all really complicated, please ask questions as it would be hard for me to just lay it all out here.
> 
> I have massively fucked up and want to show her I can be the man she deserves for me to be.


I think the question you should ask yourself is why did you cheat on her if she is the love of your life. She either isn't the love of your life or you have personal issues to deal with. In both scenarios it would be best to be apart for a while.


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## Leviticus Cornwall (Mar 27, 2014)

L'Enfant Terrible said:


> I think the question you should ask yourself is why did you cheat on her if she is the love of your life. She either isn't the love of your life or you have personal issues to deal with. In both scenarios it would be best to be apart for a while.


This thread is ancient.


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## L'Enfant Terrible (Jun 8, 2014)

BIGJake111 said:


> This thread is ancient.


Didn't notice, my bad.


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## lifeisanillusion (Feb 21, 2011)

I don't have any sympathy for people who cheat. You made the decision to cheat so live and deal with that.


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