# I'm an F16, not a Paper airplane, but why do I have to tell people that right off?



## Up and Away (Mar 5, 2011)

I'm going to disclose some here because I'm looking for insight into my character. I expect I'll get some help, and also some people that just want to put me down, and that is fine.. I expect that.

I feel like I need to be in control, but often feel out of control.

I guess I don't trust people easily. When I do though, its great and I don't have this issue.

When someone says something that to me just sounds completely wrong, I get overwhelmed.

I guess I don't know how to.. idk... be in control!

I think I'm faster, stronger, and more insightful than most people. I think I had a unique experience that gives me that insight into life.

I fail all the time though. I can't be spiritual at all. I can't meditate. I procrastinate like crazy.

Even still, I STILL think that I'm more insightful than 99% of people. I know some people will just want to prove me wrong and therefore help me in that way, but I don't think it is going to happen. I really really don't.

What I'd like to instead focus on is the fact that I feel I have some gift to share with the world, and I seem to completely suck at sharing it.

I guess I suck at A) presenting information and B) maintaining friendships.

When I connect with people, I feel great and can present information more freely. And when I present information more freely, I can connect with people better.

However, its like a double edge sword where my lack of relationships makes me depressed so I can't work on the skills necessary to make more friends, and my lack of skills for presenting information also depresses me, which keeps me from just focusing on making friends, and perhaps just "being less judgmental."

I dont want to be judgmental, and I think I really do start off caring about people and wanting to connect to them, but once I start feeling out of control, it starts a downward spiral that ends up in me pushing people away, or being awkward from the negativity and not attracting people.

Well, I just wish I had more respect from people right off the bat, so I'd stay in control longer. I'm not saying a lot longer. Just a little bit longer would be great.

But, why would I expect that? I haven't even organized my thoughts into an outline or something.

I suppose I need to make an outline then of "what i would like to share with the world."

Even if some points in that outline are A) im not sure B) there are various models we can explore and C) this is how i might react in a certain situation.

But goodness, am I totally missing something?

Do you see how im trying to organize how I will interact with people? Why cant I just relax?

When I try to just relax, I feel like I am betraying my soul and who I am... its weird.

Occasionally I have mutual respect from someone, because they got to know me... 

Maybe the problem is I don't take time to get to know someone.

Do I really have to like.. suck it up, and be okay with someone having an image of me as "less capable" or "less" something than I really am????

Its like, if I was a F16 jet, and some bird came up to me and said, hey man, nice paper airplane, ... I want to A) connect with this person, but also B) say NO MAN ITS AN F16 NOT A PAPER AIRPLANE!!! WHYY!!!!! LOL

Sigh.


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## PurpleTree (Nov 3, 2010)

Souled In said:


> Maybe the problem is I don't take time to get to know someone.


Ding ding.



Souled In said:


> Do I really have to like.. suck it up, and be okay with someone having an image of me as "less capable" or "less" something than I really am????


If you really aren't, then why would they think you are?

Are you worried they think: "_Even still, I STILL think that I'm more insightful than 99% of people,_ especially that guy"?

I'm pretty sure you already solved your problem in the first bit I quoted, though.


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## Up and Away (Mar 5, 2011)

PurpleTree said:


> Ding ding.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Thanks for the insights.

I know I do need to build relationships and that no they arent thinking I'm stupid, and they are probably seeing me as I am perhaps, not for my potential. Though, I probably see people for who they are, rather than for their dreams as well.

Sometimes I guess I try to hold myself higher than others because I actually have dreams that are planned to some degree, and relate existentially.

But, everyone has dreams, even if they are more simplistic in a way, they still have their own applicational complexities.

I swear, it all comes down to just having someone to talk to and connect with, and then making progress bit by bit.

I guess I'm on a fine track. I just sometimes get tired of the constant trudge.

I shouldn't get down on myself, its not like im not accomplishing anything, or dealing with shit.

Alrighty, this helped, I guess I didnt' need to spam every forum about it haha. Well thank you again.


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## Green Girl (Oct 1, 2010)

Souled In said:


> What I'd like to instead focus on is the fact that I feel I have some gift to share with the world, and I seem to completely suck at sharing it.
> 
> I guess I suck at A) presenting information and B) maintaining friendships.


 Maintaining friendships and presenting information both take work and skill. It gets easier the more you do it.
To communicate your gift to others, you will have to pin it down a bit, to define it. This takes practice and thought. I suggest you try writing out exactly what you have to offer, how you want to do it. This will do two things: it will help you shape your thoughts, and give you words to express them to others.


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## bellisaurius (Jan 18, 2012)

> I feel like I need to be in control, but often feel out of control.


I read this, and it reminded me of something one of our chiefs on the boat told us "A ship without an anchor is often at risk of going adrift."

The other thing that strikes me is that I get the feeling that you think you might be able to "cause" friendships, and therefore you're responsible for not having enough of that. I'm not personally sure it works that way. It might be possible to make someone "like" you, but to be friends/have trust/etc.. requires a couple of things to comes together in terms of scheduling, interests, and all that.

Also, at the risk of being presumptuous, perhaps an inability to trust others easily is more of an inability to trust yourself. I think if you trusted yourself (perhaps even by the act of pretending to trust yourself until it became habit), the ability to organize your thoughts would come more freely.


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## Up and Away (Mar 5, 2011)

bellisaurius said:


> I read this, and it reminded me of something one of our chiefs on the boat told us "A ship without an anchor is often at risk of going adrift."
> 
> The other thing that strikes me is that I get the feeling that you think you might be able to "cause" friendships, and therefore you're responsible for not having enough of that. I'm not personally sure it works that way. It might be possible to make someone "like" you, but to be friends/have trust/etc.. requires a couple of things to comes together in terms of scheduling, interests, and all that.
> 
> Also, at the risk of being presumptuous, perhaps an inability to trust others easily is more of an inability to trust yourself. I think if you trusted yourself (perhaps even by the act of pretending to trust yourself until it became habit), the ability to organize your thoughts would come more freely.


Whoa thats deep! Good one!!

Yeah, if I could stop being such a piece of shit when I'm alone, maybe I would be.. less of one in relationships, and I guess I might be projecting that on other people, and I think yeah, you might have seen the source of it.

Thank you.


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## bellisaurius (Jan 18, 2012)

> if I could stop being such a piece of shit when I'm alone


The part I don't understand is how you beat yourself up. I've only been on this board for a little while, but I've seen enough of your posts to think that you've got it together and are in control of what you put out, so I'm not sure what the conflict is, unless you're an F-16 who's judging himself by the standards of an F-117.


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## Stelmaria (Sep 30, 2011)

The other key is to try and stop idealising/overanalysing relationships and focus just on the moment. The tricky bit is actually achieving that...


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## Up and Away (Mar 5, 2011)

bellisaurius said:


> The part I don't understand is how you beat yourself up. I've only been on this board for a little while, but I've seen enough of your posts to think that you've got it together and are in control of what you put out, so I'm not sure what the conflict is, unless you're an F-16 who's judging himself by the standards of an F-117.


Thanks for your concern. I'm confident because I have an awesome goal list with a clear attainable progression in my opinion, but I'm not confident because I can't accomplish any of my immediate goals.

Here is my goal list:

The only things i always do are in bold. I regularly slack on the rest, and almost never do the first two. So I guess if I cant control what I do in this respect, i cant control what I do with building relationships.

immediate goals
1) clean everything perfectly
2) repair everything
3) *train* martial arts and *body*
4) *sing, play guitar* and dance
5) study all material for tests
6) build and rebuild relationships

1-2 month goals
1) practice initiating small conversation
2) practice facial gestures w/ people

3-6 month goals
1) meditation
2) study outside of school topics

6 month to 2 year goals
1) become an active leader in some church or group
2) stop giving in to fear without a structured way to do it
3) go 50 days without acting out in a significant addiction
4) study different cultures via travel and partial immersion

2-5 year goals
1) write a book
2) give motivational speeches
4) family

5-10 year goal
some sort of activism and extended artist network and social groups

10 year+ goals
create a development and spiritual retreat for others

I think the problem is that maybe I think I'm capable of doing more than I really am, but then why do I feel so guilty about it? And by anyone elses standards, not having a clean living place means you are just completely a fuck up.


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## bellisaurius (Jan 18, 2012)

Ah. Now I see why you're hard on yourself. Yes, by those standards, you're way short, but so is any human being. Take your immediate goals, 3,4, and 6; those are _life_ goals. Things you work as a craft, where the goal is the seeking, not the finding. 

You've got a list, and a timeline, but looking at it, you don't have priorities. I'd start with cleaning; it's probably the easiest to finish, and will have the biggest impact on how you feel. I'm an ENTP, and even I feel a little better when the place isn;t a mess. Decide on a level of cleanliness (I can see you're a perfectionist, but come up with a clean level that will only take an afternoon), go until it gets boring, then do one of the fun ones (3,4,6). 

Of course, all this is meaningless if your problem is your energy level isn't matching your goal level. Energy waxes and wanes, ride it if you've got it, but I don't know if it's possible or wise to will it. I think that just makes procrastination all that much more likely as you feel like you wouldn't accomplish anything anyway.

BTW, I will say that practicing facial gestures was very useful for me. I think people like it when a person is fairly easy to read. It's comforting; although pickup artist theory would say it's counterproductive for a guy.


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## Up and Away (Mar 5, 2011)

bellisaurius said:


> Ah. Now I see why you're hard on yourself. Yes, by those standards, you're way short, but so is any human being. Take your immediate goals, 3,4, and 6; those are _life_ goals. Things you work as a craft, where the goal is the seeking, not the finding.
> 
> You've got a list, and a timeline, but looking at it, you don't have priorities. I'd start with cleaning; it's probably the easiest to finish, and will have the biggest impact on how you feel. I'm an ENTP, and even I feel a little better when the place isn;t a mess. Decide on a level of cleanliness (I can see you're a perfectionist, but come up with a clean level that will only take an afternoon), go until it gets boring, then do one of the fun ones (3,4,6).
> 
> ...


Good stuff. Yeah I'll give it another shot. I just get distracted with existential thinking or planning and perfecting my "list." Lol. But yeah I'll give it a shot, its actually really really easy after the first 2 minutes. Its just standing up and doing something for 2 minutes that is hard, but yeah, having me focus on that is working.

Its funny how you mention the facial gestures. I'm really coming from a "humor" thing. I fear telling jokes and I just want to make sure I don't look like an idiot if I ever want to try hahaha.

I see what you mean about pickup artistry or whatever, but I'm pretty good at a cool demeanor, but I think that will get boring for a girl after a while if not enough laughter is being had  Its the "happy" gestures and smile I want to work on. Its hard to get myself to make videos of me talking and joking though, it feels soooo lame lol. Like 10 times more lame than making dance or singing videos haha... But ill start with the cleaning, as you said 

Woot


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## bellisaurius (Jan 18, 2012)

> Its funny how you mention the facial gestures. I'm really coming from a "humor" thing. I fear telling jokes and I just want to make sure I don't look like an idiot if I ever want to try hahaha.


Oh, then you want to work on deadpan looks and comical expressions (raised eyebrows, crinkled lips, etc..). That's mostly how I get my laughs irl. My jokes are generally awful, so instead of saying funny things, I say things funny (the difference, as I've heard, between a comic and a comedian). Tone of voice is also useful here, saying 'I'm going to the store" is a lot funnier in a Jay Peterman (seinfeld) kind of mock seriously intense voice.


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## Green Girl (Oct 1, 2010)

Souled In said:


> Thanks for your concern. I'm confident because I have an awesome goal list with a clear attainable progression in my opinion, but I'm not confident because I can't accomplish any of my immediate goals.
> 
> Here is my goal list:
> 
> ...


Some of these are not attainable goals. You can spend the rest of your life trying to clean everything perfectly, and still fail. Same for repair everything. Put some limits on these - like: clear off all cluttered surfaces; or mop the floor twice a week. Study all material for tests might not be possible either, and perhaps not desirable. If you know something is mostly irrelevant, then maybe you should put the energy into a different subject area.

You have limited time and energy. Don't waste it on attempting perfection. Life is messier than that.


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## unico (Feb 3, 2011)

I think you've gotten some good advice I agree you have to trust yourself, know that you are a very capable person, know that you *can* relate to people and they have their own strengths and gifts, just like you do. People can be trustworthy. Trust your instincts, but know there are people who will "get" you and like you whom you will feel the same way about. Being open to the world is important. I also agree about prioritizing. You will not be a failure if you do not complete your list (especially in the allotted time), but you will be a work-in-progress, like all of us. I personally think you are great and would love to be your friend if we lived near each other. You truly are fascinating. Try to just accept people for who they are and pay close attention to them, getting to see their good points and what you can relate to. I am a very unusual person but can almost always find *something* in someone to relate to. I wish you the best on this journey!


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## Yardiff Bey (Jun 5, 2011)

Consider outsourcing some of the scutwork that you don't like doing.

Regarding having people call you a paper airplane - that's their problem and outside your control. What is in your control is your own attitude. For myself, I reveal myself only very slowly. Over the last 6 months, my new social circle has had quite a few surprises with the stuff that I do/have done/plan to do/am willing to do/have said/etc.

They are slowly realizing that I am not a one-dimensional kind of guy. They're still guessing - and will continue to guess for many, many years to come - unless they annoy me to the point where I decide to seek another social circle to be with.


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## Up and Away (Mar 5, 2011)

Yardiff Bey said:


> Consider outsourcing some of the scutwork that you don't like doing.
> 
> Regarding having people call you a paper airplane - that's their problem and outside your control. What is in your control is your own attitude. For myself, I reveal myself only very slowly. Over the last 6 months, my new social circle has had quite a few surprises with the stuff that I do/have done/plan to do/am willing to do/have said/etc.
> 
> They are slowly realizing that I am not a one-dimensional kind of guy. They're still guessing - and will continue to guess for many, many years to come - unless they annoy me to the point where I decide to seek another social circle to be with.


Hmmm. You seem to be okay with people not knowing all those deep parts of you up front. Maybe I could be more like that. It is interesting...

How did you meet your social group?


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## Up and Away (Mar 5, 2011)

Green Girl said:


> Some of these are not attainable goals. You can spend the rest of your life trying to clean everything perfectly, and still fail. Same for repair everything. Put some limits on these - like: clear off all cluttered surfaces; or mop the floor twice a week. Study all material for tests might not be possible either, and perhaps not desirable. If you know something is mostly irrelevant, then maybe you should put the energy into a different subject area.
> 
> You have limited time and energy. Don't waste it on attempting perfection. Life is messier than that.


Mop the floor twice a week? LOL. I'm lucky to do once a month!

Its weird but, my room upstairs needs my clothes all put away, but I honestly feel lonely when I'm up there because there is no window. Haha.. It is really weird. It feels like if I'm up there maybe I will miss out on some friend I would have met if I was downstairs, which makes absolutely no sense at all.

If I'm "closed off" in a small room, then that reminds me how I'm "closed off" from making friends, and don't really have any.

Its very weird. Thanks for the advice.


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## Yardiff Bey (Jun 5, 2011)

Souled In said:


> Hmmm. You seem to be okay with people not knowing all those deep parts of you up front. Maybe I could be more like that. It is interesting...
> 
> How did you meet your social group?


I am very okay with people not knowing all those deep parts of me up front. Hell, I've worked with some people for 15 years - they're only just now starting to see certain facets of my personality and life. And there's still a ton that they haven't seen and may never see.

This social circle, I've met through dancing. There's another small group which I met through the gym, and yet another which I met through yoga. Multifaceted guy here. <_<


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## Up and Away (Mar 5, 2011)

Yardiff Bey said:


> I am very okay with people not knowing all those deep parts of me up front. Hell, I've worked with some people for 15 years - they're only just now starting to see certain facets of my personality and life. And there's still a ton that they haven't seen and may never see.
> 
> This social circle, I've met through dancing. There's another small group which I met through the gym, and yet another which I met through yoga. Multifaceted guy here. <_<


If I'm holding an ace in my sleeve, it seems that my whole body just wants to blurt out "i have an ace up my sleeve!"

But say I get control of that, and I start having conversations that aren't necessarily about the deepest parts of me etc..

My question to you is, what are your favorite things to talk about? Are there topics that you usually talk about with any social group?


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## Yardiff Bey (Jun 5, 2011)

Souled In said:


> If I'm holding an ace in my sleeve, it seems that my whole body just wants to blurt out "i have an ace up my sleeve!"
> 
> But say I get control of that, and I start having conversations that aren't necessarily about the deepest parts of me etc..
> 
> My question to you is, what are your favorite things to talk about? Are there topics that you usually talk about with any social group?


Usually I try to listen, find out what people's passions are, and talk about them if they interest me. Most things do.

For instance, someone goes out with her family each summer to the local lakes. What do they do there? Waterski. A lot. By the smile, I know that she loves waterskiing. I asked what part especially she enjoys, what sort of nutty stuff they do, etc. Turns out that they actually put a floating chair out there, towed by a speedboat...fascinating stuff!


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