# Does It Feel Like Obsession? - Dominant Sexual Instinct Subtype



## n2freedom (Jun 2, 2011)

I've just discovered that my dominant instinctual variant is Sexual. And, it helps explains a lot to me about some of my tendencies. I tend to be all or nothing. I seek intensity and depth. I am a very passionate person and can be rather obsessive in my romantic relationships. Not obsessive in the stalker sense where I follow people around and/or harass them.

But, in the sense I can't get them off of my mind and they dominate my thoughts sense. When I was younger, I ran many of intimates away because I came on too strong in relationships. When I stop to think about it though, it is not just limited to relationships. I can be the same way about ideas, interests, goals, etc.

The other thing with romantic relationships is that I want to know everything about them when I drawn to them (doesn't happen with everybody). I want to know their mind, soul, spirit. I want to connect with them on deep level however, many times I'm afraid at the same time. I yearn to find someone that I can merge with so to speak. 

Not to become one like in the fairy tale sense. But to connect with them and know them so deeply that they feel like an extension of myself. At least that is the best way that I can describe it. If I'm not in a relationship or in one where I'm not drawn to the other person, then I will find substitutes for this energy like goals, ideas, interests, hobbies, etc.

For instance, if I set a goal, it's like I become one with the goal, I eat and sleep it. It's as if I pour my whole self into it and all my energy is channeled into reaching my goal and I will stop at nothing until I have achieved the goals. Same things with ideas, I research it, think about it excessively, discuss it, eat and sleep it until I have mastered or completely exhausted all avenues of exploring the ideas. 

I find this energy hell to deal with at times because I feel like a smoldering volcano about to erupt. It feels like an insatiable, unbridled fire in my belly that is constantly lamenting "feed me Seymour". Everything feels intensified and in the excess. I get accused of being too angry, too intense, too deep, too complicated, too involved, too whatever. 

But the common denominator is "too". I'm sure part of this is due to my core Enneagram type. However, I would like to know how other Dominant Sexual Instinct Subtypes relate to Sx.

Can you relate?

Edit: I know Sexual instinct doesn't necessarily correlate to sexual activities. But, for me it shows up in the sexual arena too in excess as nymphomaniac tendencies. When I was younger, I was very, very promiscuous in my quest to experience excitement and intensity.


----------



## Stephen (Jan 17, 2011)

n2freedom said:


> Can you relate?


Yes, I can.


----------



## Ace Face (Nov 13, 2011)

Ohhh yes. It's very hard to saddle down those tendencies.


----------



## reletative (Dec 17, 2010)

on the flipside, i don't relate to SX at ALL. 

in fact, i avoid most intimacy. i love people and being around people, but actual intimacy, closeness, friendships, getting to know people beyond surface? no thanks. i also hate to be known. i like knowing others, but i don't really want to be understood deeply or "known" in the sense that i can be predicted and someone might know what i'm thinking. it's hard for me not to keep everyone at arms length. i'm uncomfortable with the attachments that come with friendships. even with PerC, i've found myself lately feeling like people are getting to know me too well, and it's been hard not to just totally flee. i have almost zero difficulty with cutting people out of my life, even people who have done nothing to me. 

i've sometimes wondered if i have some sort of detachment disorder, or if i seriously lack empathy in some kind of clinical way.


----------



## n2freedom (Jun 2, 2011)

Khys said:


> on the flipside, i don't relate to SX at ALL.
> 
> in fact, i avoid most intimacy. i love people and being around people, but actual intimacy, closeness, friendships, getting to know people beyond surface? no thanks. i also hate to be known. i like knowing others, but i don't really want to be understood deeply or "known" in the sense that i can be predicted and someone might know what i'm thinking. it's hard for me not to keep everyone at arms length. i'm uncomfortable with the attachments that come with friendships. even with PerC, i've found myself lately feeling like people are getting to know me too well, and it's been hard not to just totally flee. i have almost zero difficulty with cutting people out of my life, even people who have done nothing to me.
> 
> i've sometimes wondered if i have some sort of detachment disorder, or if i seriously lack empathy in some kind of clinical way.


 Do you know your Instinctual Variant Stacking? Sounds like it's either So/Sp as So variant plays out differently and quite the opposite in type 5 from my understanding or Sp/So.

And, how in the world did you ever think you were a type 9? Type 9s basic fear is of loss and separation. Hmmmmmm...that's very interesting.


----------



## reletative (Dec 17, 2010)

n2freedom said:


> Do you know your Instinctual Variant Stacking? Sounds like it's either So/Sp as So variant plays out differently and quite the opposite in type 5 from my understanding or Sp/So.
> 
> And, how in the world did you ever think you were a type 9? Type 9s basic fear is of loss and separation. Hmmmmmm...that's very interesting.


PerCers told me I was 9, and since i hadn't researched, it seemed plausible.
Edit: ^that's the problem with Enneagram...if your knowledge is only surface level you will inevitably mistype
my variant is SO/SP


----------



## Tyche (May 12, 2011)

This explains a lot about myself. I shouldn't be surprised by that, but I relate to every word you've posted.


----------



## SilentScream (Mar 31, 2011)

Yeah .. I think I'm an sx/sp So I can relate to a lot of this but not all of it. 

My experience is an extremely hard one to describe with intimacy. 

With my friends, I primarily seek friendships with the opposite gender and can feel completely at odds with my own gender because there's almost no chance of getting intimate there. I've only had 3 very intimate male friendships, whereas almost all of my friendships with women are intimate [non romantically, but emotionally intense]. I tend to want to get extremely close to my female friends by being there for them emotionally and even helping out with their problems in life. I don't have a hero complex at all because I like independent and voracious women as well. However, if a conversation with anyone is random and about typical every day stuff, I usually couldn't give a rat's ass and allow such relationships to fade and dissipate into nothing over time. 

I need to feel close to someone and the only way I know is by knowing their feelings, thoughts, dreams, passions. 

As for my romantic relationships .. I'm almost obsessive to a fault, but I'm also extremely independent and value independence and autonomy at the same time. I love a balanced relationship where we're both taking healthy breaks from each other with ample warning [in order to be mentally prepared to be away from her for a certain period]. I dislike being surprised at the last minute and I need to know in advance that she's going to be away for an extended period and for how long. 

My body runs with the clock. If I'm told "Ok, I'll talk to you at 5:00pm" and that 5:00pm turns 10:00pm without a single notice or emergency, I feel my romantic feelings flicker a little and I become upset and feel unvalued and under-appreciated. 

My thought process is .. "Ok, if it wasn't an emergency or a valid reason, then there's no harm in at least dropping in a quick message saying that it's gonna be 5 hours more." For me it's not about control, or dominating my partner - but about a feeling of feeling valued enough to be told when or when she'll be available to talk to me. 

In such a case, I need immediate conflict resolution and an expression of my displeasure usually takes care of the issue. I don't consider this a weakness [even though I have been told that it's one in the past]. I have a limit of 7-8 hours without _unexpected_ contact with my SO. 

I'm not like that with my friends at all. I can stay out of touch with friends for years even without the connection fading.

Edit: btw .. I'll admit here .. I have an insatiable appetite when I'm sexually active. But I can also go extremely long periods without being sexually active at all. I've realized recently that perhaps demisexuality may be the only explanation for my hot and cold sexual behaviour. My ex just could not live up to my expectations of a healthy sex life .. she was too "vanilla" for me .. and we ended up never having sex because we disagreed on everything we liked (period).


----------



## n2freedom (Jun 2, 2011)

Jawz said:


> As for my romantic relationships .. I'm almost obsessive to a fault, but I'm also extremely independent and value independence and autonomy at the same time. I love a balanced relationship where we're both taking healthy breaks from each other with ample warning [in order to be mentally prepared to be away from her for a certain period]. I dislike being surprised at the last minute and I need to know in advance that she's going to be away for an extended period and for how long.


 So, glad you said this. The desire for connection/merging for me in no way means attachment. I hope that makes sense. I have NO desire to be under anyone 24-7. I am very independent and autonomous and demand my space free of restrictions.

However, desire of connection/merging for me means to know someone on the deepest level possible. To explore and know the depths of their psyche, soul, heart, etc.



Jawz said:


> Edit: btw .. I'll admit here .. I have an insatiable appetite when I'm sexually active. But I can also go extremely long periods without being sexually active at all. I've realized recently that perhaps demisexuality may be the only explanation for my hot and cold sexual behaviour. My ex just could not live up to my expectations of a healthy sex life .. she was too "vanilla" for me .. and we ended up never having sex because we disagreed on everything we liked (period).


 Question about demisexuality...would a statement like _"my sex drive is high only when I'm in a dating relationship other than that I can take it or leave it"_ be reflective of someone who is demisexual? Also, do you think a demisexual would be interested in and/or partake in menage' a trois? I know these are off topic questions but I was curious.


----------



## sleepyhead (Nov 14, 2011)

n2freedom said:


> I've just discovered that my dominant instinctual variant is Sexual. And, it helps explains a lot to me about some of my tendencies. *I tend to be all or nothing. I seek intensity and depth. I am a very passionate person* and can be rather obsessive in my romantic relationships. Not obsessive in the stalker sense where I follow people around and/or harass them.
> 
> But,* in the sense I can't get them off of my mind and they dominate my thoughts sense.* When I was younger, I ran many of intimates away because I came on too strong in relationships. When I stop to think about it though, it is not just limited to relationships.* I can be the same way about ideas, interests, goals, etc.*
> 
> ...


I've been thinking about my subtype a lot lately because I went off hormonal birth control after 8 years recently and I feel like my true sexual subtype instinct has come flooding back. I'm fantasizing like crazy, I feel way more intense, and I want sex all the time. 

In my intimate relationships, I never came on too strong for others, but they seemed extremely attracted to the energy. Unfortunately I was usually not attracted to them so I would start to feel smothered and then break things off. When I feel a real, legitimate connection with someone, I do want to know everything about them, but because I'm a 5, I also get drained from too much interaction easily. So it's a kind of push-pull of intense, emotional connection for a short period of time, then withdrawing for a few days. 

My sexual subtype really comes out in my sexual activities. Also because I'm a 5, it can be hard for me to ask for what I want in the bedroom, but ever since stopping HBC it's like I've become the dominant one - I'm encouraging him to push his boundaries and I think that's a real turn on for him too. I really feel like the sexual energy in our relationship is at a place it's never been.

I tend to get unhealthy when we become totally enmeshed, even if it's what I was striving for. When that happens my moodiness and anxiety is usually raised so I know it's not a good place to be. I like the closeness, but give me my space to work through my thoughts and emotions (and build anticipation). I want you to be there, but also to not crowd me. This has definitely made for a bit of a complicated dynamic but with my current partner it feels like we're in a very good place. I don't know what his subtype is but I'm quite sure sx isn't his dominant, which is actually a bit disappointing for me. I want him to be more confident with his sexuality and less questioning but I also realize that we can have a lot of fun as I encourage him to have more of that confidence. 

My sexual subtype also really comes out in a flirty way. I realize in the last few months that I want to be wanted because it turns me on - and I don't care who is doing the wanting. I don't want to go out and have sex with random people, but the idea that I'm turning someone else on is a big turn on for me. I'm can be a very very flirtatious person if I want to be.


----------



## sodden (Jul 20, 2009)

Careful @sleepyhead, my sexual appetite post getting off the pill led to pregnancy, just to warn you. Unless that's why you got off... (it's good to hear from a 549 sx sp, I can really identify with what you say.)

I'm unsure if I'm sp/sx or sx/sp but I relate to all of this so well. At my most unhealthy, I even exhibited stalker-ish tendencies, embarrassingly enough. 

I don't know, this whole thread is making me lean toward sx/sp...


----------



## madhatter (May 30, 2010)

What you are describing here, @n2freedom, is why I ultimately decided against sp/sx and for sp/so. I don't relate to the intensity that drives sx subtypes. On the whole, I'm generally an open person, but real intimacy makes me uncomfortable. It could be one reason why I haven't gone looking for a relationship. I think I resisted acceptance of the so-second because of my inferior Fe and how so is often equated with desiring status, which I could give a rat's ass about.


----------



## sleepyhead (Nov 14, 2011)

brainheart said:


> Careful @_sleepyhead_ , my sexual appetite post getting off the pill led to pregnancy, just to warn you. Unless that's why you got off... (it's good to hear from a 549 sx sp, I can really identify with what you say.)
> 
> I'm unsure if I'm sp/sx or sx/sp but I relate to all of this so well. At my most unhealthy, I even exhibited stalker-ish tendencies, embarrassingly enough.
> 
> I don't know, this whole thread is making me lean toward sx/sp...


That's definitely my one big fear. We're being very careful and I'm also getting very acquainted with Fertility Awareness Method but I just can't imagine going back on the pill now. Kids are another 3-4 years down the line - it wouldn't be a disaster but not something we're trying for.

Until recently I actually thought I was sp/sx but once I started reading more it become painfully obvious I'm a sx/sp. This is what Riso and Hudson say about the sexual instinct in a 4 from _The Wisdom of the Enneagram:

_


> *Infatuation. *In the average range, sexual fours most exemplify the romanticism, intensity, and longing for a rescuer that characterize this type. They can be sweetly vulnerable and impressionable, but also aggressive and dynamic, especially in their self expression. There is an assertive, seemingly extroverted component to sexual fours, and unlike the other two variants, they are unlikely to let their romantic fantasies remain fantasies for very long. Often turbulent and stormy, their emotional lives revolve around the person they are attracted to. Intense feelings of admiration, longing, and hatred for the object of desire can all coexist. Sensual and seductive, they can also be jealous and possessive like Two's, and they want to be the only person that matters in the other's life. Sexual fours often have severe doubts about their own desirability, so they strive for accomplishments that will make them acceptable to the other - being a great artist or star - while being resentful of those who achieve those things.
> Envy is also most clearly visible in this variant. Relationship problems arise because sexual fours often become romantically involved with people who have qualities that fours admire or want in themselves, but then end up envying and resenting the loved one for having these very qualities. Idealizing the other can quickly shift to rejecting them for their slightest flaws. At the same time, sexual fours are often attracted to people who are, for one reason or another, unavailable. They may spend a great deal of time longing to have the desirable other to themselves and detesting anyone who has the other's attention.
> In the unhealthy range, intense envy of others can lead to a desire to sabotage them in order to get revenge. Unhealthy sexual fours unconsciously live by the adage, "misery loves company". ("If I'm going to suffer, so are you"). Sexual fours may create competitions and rivalries and feel completely justified in undoing their opponents or in hurting those who have disappointed them...they are prone to rapid shifts in their feelings towards others, even toward their protectors and loved ones. Their emotional chaos may lead them to rash acts of violence against themselves or the people they believe have frustrated their emotional needs.


----------



## reletative (Dec 17, 2010)

now i want to know why @madhatter thinks she's a 9


----------



## n2freedom (Jun 2, 2011)

madhatter said:


> What you are describing here, @n2freedom, is why I ultimately decided against sp/sx and for sp/so. I don't relate to the intensity that drives sx subtypes. On the whole, I'm generally an open person, but real intimacy makes me uncomfortable. It could be one reason why I haven't gone looking for a relationship. I think I resisted acceptance of the so-second because of my inferior Fe and how so is often equated with desiring status, which I could give a rat's ass about.


 I understand. Remember each type brings out different dimensions of the subtype. So it does not always manifest as desiring status. Particularly in type 9, So supports the basic desires and motivations of type 9. The focus of So as a subtype of 9 would be more about bringing people together and in keeping/making peace. It also seems to me that So energy would be more directed toward family than the community at large.


----------



## n2freedom (Jun 2, 2011)

Khys said:


> now i want to know why @madhatter thinks she's a 9


 Me too....being the linguistic _master_ that she is......


----------



## sleeper (Aug 26, 2010)

Yes! I can relate. I experience the obsession part as well and have even stalked people in the past when in desperation/in doubt... There is a thread on the type 4 forum about the intensity of stackings. Here. I think most of the time I am sx/sp with strong sp, but then there are times (like this past month) where I have almost no sense of sp and relate to the sx/weak sp description. I'm completely impulsive, reckless, active and flirtatious... like a flood has come over me and I've surrendered. I'm also more in touch with 8, but not in a grounded way. I shed my introspective, melancholic demeanor and am just popping with electricity in my body and mind. I don't know if it's 'neurosis' or just my nature, but any stability in my life is sure going to shit... I wish I had more sx variants in my life. I feel a deep urge to just explore without boundaries, but not alone.


----------



## BlueG (Jun 2, 2011)

I decided I am SX/SP a couple of days ago. I can relate. I feel at times that I am stalking a person to their face. I ask a lot of questions because I want to get to know them, but I think they don't perceive me as intense because the information seeking is in the format of a question.


----------



## frenchie (Jul 7, 2011)

Yeah it is an obsession.

I've given up on finding someone to satisfy it. Frankly, that's a lot of energy to want to immerse oneself in with another person. I remember being a teenager and it being so so awesome. Nowadays, real life just doesn't work that perfectly.

In the mean time, I've focused that energy elsewhere. I come on too strong and the worst part of it all is people tell me I try to hard. What the hell does that mean? I like people and relationships are important to me. 

I still think it is a cultural thing. Either way, I took that energy and put it into self improvement. Focusing my life energies elsewhere and looking away from my relationships. They tend to hurt me the most. Better to just hands off everything and stop caring so much.


----------



## madhatter (May 30, 2010)

Khys said:


> now i want to know why madhatter thinks she's a 9





n2freedom said:


> Me too....being the linguistic _master_ that she is......


Oh dear, now I'm being called out! haha Why's that? Did I say something that struck a 5-chord?

When I first got into Enneagram, someone told me I probably wasn't a core-5. He said I was too aware of people and their reactions. It seemed reasonable, so I started looking into other types. I went from 3, to 8; I didn't even consider 9. Ultimately, while reading about 8 and 9, something about 9 struck a chord in me...actually, it felt more like a sucker punch. I really related to the anger that drives the Instinctive triad. 

But to be honest, I do relate to a lot of behaviors and traits of 5w6 too.


----------



## VivianeScrooge (Oct 22, 2011)

Yes, definately coul relate. People usually push me away because I come as too intense, in conversation, stating an opinion, I've lost a couple of debates because of that. And some of the guys I'm interested in usually push me aside, and I'm stuck with the one I didn't have a speck of interest :'(
Its confusing at times, till now I cannot control my sexual instinctual variant. Is there a way to lessen the intensity? I want to declare opinions, without making people fear me. Usually if I'm angry, I act like a hydra. If I'm in love, I'm like Venus. If I'm sad, I look like Grendel.


----------



## n2freedom (Jun 2, 2011)

@dollybones_90 ... here are some excerpts from Riso and Hudson ... hopefully they help you


> On entering a room, Sexual types quickly focus on finding where the most interesting people are. They tend to follow their attractions. (By contrast, Social types notice who is talking with the host, who has power, prestige, or who might be able to help them. Self-Preservation type will notice the temperature of the room, where the refreshments are, and what might be a comfortable place to sit.) Sexual types gravitate toward people they feel magnetized by, regardless of the person's potential for helping them or their social standing. It is as if they were asking "Where is the juice in this room? Whose energy is the most intense?"
> 
> Sexual types tend to have difficulty pursuing their own projects or taking adequate care of themselves, because on a subconscious level, they are always looking outside themselves for the person or situation that will complete them. They are like a plug looking for a socket and can become obsessed with another if they feel they have found the right person for them. They may neglect important obligations, or even their own basic necessities, if they are swept up in someone or something that has captivated them.
> 
> When they are unhealthy, Sexual types can experience a scattering of their attention and a profound lack of focus. They may act out in sexual promiscuity or become trapped in a fearful, dysfunctional attitude toward sex and intimacy. When the latter become their orientation, they will be equally intense about their avoidances.


----------



## SadLuckDame (Dec 30, 2010)

Yes, I relate.
Being a 5w6 I can be the sx/sp intensity with whom or what I find I'm hungry for, but then I can easily detach and make it matter not. It usually is an impulsive few minutes until I bring in the enneagram thought pattern and suddenly I have regained control, if I want to. If I'm really enjoying the intensity, I'll allow at for as long as I'm not tired out or not uncomfortable.

Friendships are with people I feel I'm meant to be near, I'm intense with them each at times. I'll know their scents, their energy, hungers, etc. I like to know everything that will matter between us. So I may not have to dabble in all their private life, only if it'll be a vibration for us and spark somewhere on the line.

Relationships have not been as satisfying for me. I have felt energy in a few, but as with one, he and I were like two uncontrollable storms and our thinking sides put too much force into the knowing we'd not last without a danger going around the connecting. Another I couldn't sx his mind and only had too much the sx for external and unimportant to me things and therefore it stayed in a shallow waters. Couldn't keep my intensity.

I have an obsession at the moment, actually for a few years, it makes me happy though cause it feels safe enough.
I think that's my biggest worry in the sx/sp is whether the thing I become enthralled in is safe to be or not and feeds the obsession by my trying to make discoveries with it, I'll pull it apart at every seam, I'll put it back together, over and over...


----------



## Bumblyjack (Nov 18, 2011)

@n2freedom
I can relate to everything you said in your opening post.



n2freedom said:


> I find this energy hell to deal with at times because I feel like a smoldering volcano about to erupt. It feels like an insatiable, unbridled fire in my belly that is constantly lamenting "feed me Seymour". Everything feels intensified and in the excess. I get accused of being too angry, too intense, too deep, too complicated, too involved, too whatever.


I have this energy in me too and others can clearly see it. The looks in my eyes, my posture, my movements and mannerisms, and my every word are all dripping with the raw intensity of my strong sexual instinct. I've been talking about it on the type four forum this past week (look here and here if you're interested). Btw, I'm strong Sx, low Sp, and virtually zero So.





dollybones_90 said:


> I'm extremely protective of my immediate mental health, though. I frequently worry that I will end up getting hurt/taken advantage of in relationships. It often stops me from starting them in the first place.


I don't do this at all and I don't really want to. I love the roller coaster of emotions too much. This may sound kind of messed up, but I never minded getting hurt because the intensity felt so good. I just hate feeling nothing. And yes, I'm a total infatuation junky with no desire for recovery.


----------



## Thalassa (Jun 10, 2010)

Yes, yes yes yes yes.


----------



## marzipan01 (Jun 6, 2010)

madhatter said:


> Oh dear, now I'm being called out! haha Why's that? Did I say something that struck a 5-chord?
> 
> When I first got into Enneagram, someone told me I probably wasn't a core-5. He said I was too aware of people and their reactions. It seemed reasonable, so I started looking into other types. I went from 3, to 8; I didn't even consider 9. Ultimately, while reading about 8 and 9, something about 9 struck a chord in me...actually, it felt more like a sucker punch. I really related to the anger that drives the Instinctive triad.
> 
> But to be honest, I do relate to a lot of behaviors and traits of 5w6 too.


That's so odd. My brother's a type 9 and he had a similar reaction to the type. I don't get it. Why would you dislike being a 9?


----------



## madhatter (May 30, 2010)

marzipan01 said:


> That's so odd. My brother's a type 9 and he had a similar reaction to the type. I don't get it. Why would you dislike being a 9?
> 
> 9's are the sweetest types on the enneagram. I'd be flattered to be called a 9. I suppose that's how I know I'm not one, unfortunately.


Well, it's the case of the-grass-is-always-greener-on-the-other-side, I suppose. I don't see myself as "sweet." It's very frustrating for me. I'll try to explain coherently. Type 9 showed everything I hated about myself, and I didn't see it at first because I had denied it. Why would I want to be a 9? They're described as doormats. I'm not a doormat, but I let people trespass over my boundaries all the time, I agree to something I actually don't agree with. They're called passive aggressive. I'll deny it till I'm blue in the face, because I hate it when people are passive aggressive. Then in the next hour, I'm acting passive aggressively. 9s are called lazy and complacent. Doormat, passive aggressive, lazy, complacent, apathetic, unmotivated, indecisive, avoidant...it makes me cringe. Then factor in my very heavy 8 wing, it's like a fricking game of tug-of-war. 

I don't know...I see people talk about how great 9s are. This is not self hatred. But the grass is always greener...I'd rather be anything but 9.


----------



## Neon Knight (Aug 11, 2010)

@madhatter so I'm not the only one who felt sucker punched reading Enneagram descriptions?


----------



## n2freedom (Jun 2, 2011)

madhatter said:


> Well, it's the case of the-grass-is-always-greener-on-the-other-side, I suppose. I don't see myself as "sweet." It's very frustrating for me. I'll try to explain coherently. Type 9 showed everything I hated about myself, and I didn't see it at first because I had denied it. Why would I want to be a 9? They're described as doormats. I'm not a doormat, but I let people trespass over my boundaries all the time, I agree to something I actually don't agree with. They're called passive aggressive. I'll deny it till I'm blue in the face, because I hate it when people are passive aggressive. Then in the next hour, I'm acting passive aggressively. 9s are called lazy and complacent. Doormat, passive aggressive, lazy, complacent, apathetic, unmotivated, indecisive, avoidant...it makes me cringe. Then factor in my very heavy 8 wing, it's like a fricking game of tug-of-war.
> 
> I don't know...I see people talk about how great 9s are. This is not self hatred. But the grass is always greener...I'd rather be anything but 9.


 gotta love sterotypes. I was just thinking about this this morning. It seems to me so many descriptions embody the unhealthy levels of each type. While I understand that we are influx when it comes to the healthy-average-unhealthy range, it is uncertain how and in which manner we flow one to the other. So, it kind of reminds me of a description in a "Crucial Confrontation" class I had where the author related to when we are at our best and when we are at our worst.

So basically many of the descriptions to me .... especially the ones on the internet describe types when they are at their worst. The main thing for me is to be aware of what I may look like and act like when I'm at my worst and the Enneagram has helped me to understand that better. This is why I think it is very important to understand your type _*if *_you are going to use the Enneagram as a tool for personal growth and understanding.

Otherwise, it's like mistaking yourself to be a female and going about attempting to understand yourself as a male. It just doesn't make sense. I personally believe self-awareness brings freedom. I much rather understand and know myself than to parade around with a mask on while proclaiming to be someone that I'm not. I agree with an author when she said "This is me in ALL of my splendor and it doesn't get any better than this. But in order to embellish in that I need to understand my splendor.

Nines have awesome strengths to embrace. As do other types, I think the trick for all of us is to do as my grandfather always quoted "Accentuate the positives and eliminate the negatives." I also agree with Iyanla Vanzant..."What you focus on grows". I choose to focus on the positive sides of my type while understanding the negative side so that I don't dwell there.


----------



## n2freedom (Jun 2, 2011)

*More Information on Sexual Instinctual Variant Subtype*

More information. 
Source: Enneagram Instinctual Subtypes


> The "sexual" Instinctual Subtypes are driven by the ongoing search for intimacy and one-to-one relationships.The focus of attention is on "the beloved" and "our intimate world." The primary desire is for a mate, which is manifested by an imbalanced perceived need for wholeness, affinity, and closeness in a continual search for "the other half."
> 
> The concerns of the sexual Instinctual Subtypes involve issues of intimacy- for example, "to be intimate or not to be intimate" or "how to be intimate." The survival strategy is abstinence or promiscuity. The common theme statements reflect an inclination to define oneself in terms of the mate and the relationship, such as "what am I?", with this Instinctual Subtype being defined by "how comfortably and successfully I experience my relationship" - i.e., issues dealing with "how am I perceived by my intimate partner?"
> 
> ...



Source:Instincts and The Enneagram | Insightful Innovations LLC


> *Sexual/Intimate Subtype:*
> The Sexual subtype is focused primarily on pair bonding and the development and maintenance of the intimate relationships in their lives. The foci of the sexual subtype includes:
> Attractiveness
> Intimacy
> ...


----------



## Nolidon (Jan 15, 2012)

"I think the trick for all of us is to do as my grandfather always quoted "Accentuate the positives and eliminate the negatives." I also agree with Iyanla Vanzant..."What you focus on grows". I choose to focus on the positive sides of my type while understanding the negative side so that I don't dwell there."

Always focus on what you want, rather than what you want to avoid! 

Thank you for the list which you posted from the "insightful Innovations LLC" with defining words.. 

I am accepting some of them without considering myself vain. I justify my strengths as powerful displays of femininity, so I won’t go to the negative connotations - which I would find in the very same words, if I would be at the “unhealthy” end.

“The survival strategy is abstinence or promiscuity. “

Always the extremes.. if there is no intensity but a balance of expression … I see that like a rather dull and pointless act; a uniform which if I'd wear, would make me get lost in the crowd. (then I start again to wonder who am I?) And I mean "abstinence or promiscuity" extrapolating from the sexual content and creating a metaphor for all points of view (think of a long list of opposites).

“ The common theme statements reflect an inclination to define oneself in terms of the mate and the relationship, such as "what am I?", with this Instinctual Subtype being defined by "how comfortably and successfully I experience my relationship" - i.e., issues dealing with "how am I perceived by my intimate partner?" “

I always see myself through my partner’s eyes – my ex1 was: I am worthless and I deserve to be miserable (therefore love equals agony), my ex2: I deserve to be loved, I am loved, but in life there are also other priorities (I am healed but not fulfilled), my current husband : I’m a good girl, I am loved and accepted (it’s so cozy and safe, but where’s the intensity?!). Even though I am on the best domestic behaviour I have ever been in my life and I say to myself I will not screw this up…my ultimate model is “I am loved for everything I am and not in spite of it” (which most likely is a recipe for a new cycle of heartache, a new kind of sweet pain, as that would be the ultimate perfect intensity! - almost wrote insanity there   )

I found this in a rare friendship or two, never in a mate. Never to last. But glorious whilst it did. 

Along with the feelings of deep connection, I inspire some sort of fear, it’s as if I come with a warning neon sign attached most likely to my hips which change colors when I walk…red-white-red-white/good girl/bad girl/good girl/bad girl. That “wow she is trouble, but boy she's sweet” feeling is overbearing for most.

" The sexual Instinctual Subtypes will "sacrifice for the relationship" to insure connection. Rather than looking inward or to the group for security to "solve the problem," these types tend to "look to the mate" "

I know this puts an extra responsibility on my partner. They have to be my oracle. If I am approved by my partner, all other problems fall into place. I define myself through the one whom I bestow the meaning of the world upon.


----------



## Grau the Great (Mar 2, 2012)

OP is one of the best posts I've read since joining; honestly, thank you for writing that. It's been a great help to me in evaluating myself. I'd been convinced I was an sp/so, but now I'm wondering if there is an element of sx in there somewhere. 

There were a few things there that I sympathized with very much.



n2freedom said:


> I tend to be all or nothing. I seek intensity and depth. I am a very passionate person and can be rather obsessive in my romantic relationships. Not obsessive in the stalker sense where I follow people around and/or harass them. But, in the sense I can't get them off of my mind and they dominate my thoughts sense. When I was younger, I ran many of intimates away because I came on too strong in relationships. When I stop to think about it though, it is not just limited to relationships. I can be the same way about ideas, interests, goals, etc.


Yes, similar with me as well. 'Quality over quantity' is a quick version of how I explain it to friends (most of whom have a very different outlook), but I like your explanation much more. Being overbearing, demanding, and judgmental was a reason every single one of the relationships I've attempted so far has failed relatively early on. It's difficult to put into words, but it's almost like I became so entranced by the other, that I began to idealize them, and was shocked to find that they had most of the same faults, weaknesses, and vices I did. (Feeling that to begin with was odd; in general I approach things from a much more objective viewpoint. And as I've grown older, the temptation to 'idolize' the other has been tempered by simply maturing. However, it's still very much there, even if it's at a subdued level.) Most oftentimes, the frustration and perceived betrayal (emphasis on 'perceived') that followed were enough to cripple a relationship, but even when it survived past that I had another weapon in the arsenal for shooting myself in the foot.



n2freedom said:


> The other thing with romantic relationships is that I want to know everything about them when I drawn to them (doesn't happen with everybody). I want to know their mind, soul, spirit. I want to connect with them on deep level however, many times I'm afraid at the same time. I yearn to find someone that I can merge with so to speak.
> 
> Not to become one like in the fairy tale sense. But to connect with them and know them so deeply that they feel like an extension of myself. At least that is the best way that I can describe it. If I'm not in a relationship or in one where I'm not drawn to the other person, then I will find substitutes for this energy like goals, ideas, interests, hobbies, etc.


This. Every word of it. However, this very desire has put me in a torturous position, which is why every relationship I've attempted has failed in a short time. More than anything, I've wanted to know the other person completely and totally. However, in a healthy relationship, everything should be reciprocal, and besides, I don't know many girls who would open up completely to some guy who refused to behave similarly. So, it put me in many Type Eight's nightmare scenario: Having to open up myself in return, past the exterior I'd become a master at projecting to the world. I often 'went to war with myself', so to speak, with the 'defenses' I'd constructed unwilling to let any weakness show through, and even myself suspicious if showing even a shred of vulnerability would be worth it. Though it seems ridiculous while sitting here typing it, I honestly wondered if these girls who had fallen for me completely would laugh or take advantage of me if I opened up to them. Illogic at its highest, but I suspect I would think similarly (or have to work my hardest not to) if I was presented with a similar situation today.

In the end, I was always unable to get past that stumbling block; I can be outgoing, funny, flirtatious; everything needed to pique interest and build trust/engagement, but nothing to move beyond that. But I've wanted to my entire life, and it infuriates me that I've been unable to do it as of yet. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised, since I've so far been unable to so much as mumble 'I'm much more vulnerable than you might think' even to my closest friends and family, but it frustrates me endlessly nonetheless. Romantic relationships are *the* one thing I haven't yet experienced success with, and I still have no idea how it's possible for one to have such a stark Achilles Heel.

Since then, I've kind of adopted the same exact formula I have with everything else; projecting outward indifference and even attempting to convince myself that I have bigger priorities and that I'm better focusing on the things I'm strongest at, to 'gather strength', more or less. But still, despite all that bravado and metaphorical wall-building, I can't suppress the desire I've always had, perhaps the deepest desire I've ever had, to be in a relationship I can really call loving.

So yeah, starting to wonder if I'm not the sp/so I thought I was. Or maybe I am. Ugh.

SIDENOTE: It's actually great to be able to write all this down where other people can read it, because there's no way in hell I could force myself to say all this to someone in person. Not at the moment, anyway.


----------



## n2freedom (Jun 2, 2011)

Grau the Great said:


> OP is one of the best posts I've read since joining; honestly, thank you for writing that. It's been a great help to me in evaluating myself. I'd been convinced I was an sp/so, but now I'm wondering if there is an element of sx in there somewhere.
> 
> There were a few things there that I sympathized with very much.
> 
> ...


 I relate to much of what you have written. It's uncanny. IDK.... I guess I'm starting to resolve myself to the idea that I need to get use to the idea of just being alone.....


----------



## Grau the Great (Mar 2, 2012)

n2freedom said:


> I relate to much of what you have written. It's uncanny. IDK.... I guess I'm starting to resolve myself to the idea that I need to get use to the idea of just being alone.....


I do something very similar, grumbling to myself that a relationship isn't worth the damn time and that I shouldn't care... until I realize that it's just an elaborate attempt to rationalize my lack of success, and moreover what the root cause is: myself.

Confronting it has been unpleasant enough, and changing is going to be even harder, but (bizarrely) I'm still optimistic about it.

Part of it, I think, is due to the challenge. I've never had a problem with being able to influence and lead other people; it's come to me effortlessly ever since I've 'come into my own' a while back, and it's even stronger in the past few months. But... confronting things within myself has been an entirely different story. I've always been one to blame something external, no matter how ridiculous. Not as fast as my friends at typing? "Fuckin' keyboard sucks...", etc.

But just because confronting something within is terrifying and complicated doesn't mean it isn't impossible. Even more importantly, it's worth it. There are a few parts of my personality that I've managed to 'turn around' and use for good purposes. For example, I was *very* shy until I went into high school (I apparently have crazy ADD which did a hell of a lot of damage to my social prospects back then. It actually wasn't really countered until this year, but I managed to do fairly well in high school/college anyway.) Anyway, being an 'outsider' *before* I joined the 'inside group' gave me probably an elevated sense of 'doing the right thing/protecting those who need it' that many Eights feel so strongly, and I ended up joining the Volunteer Fire Department in my town, where I became one of the most prominent members in under a year and was able to use what I'm good at for a good purpose.

Despite the fear of vulnerability and seemingly endless social troubles, *that* is what being an Eight is all about. It's not about walking down the street in a rage and punching people in the face because your toast burnt that morning, it's about being the person who sees something that needs to be done, sees someone who needs help, and stands up when no one else will. The times I've done things right have only given me a hint of what I'm really capable of, if only I'm able to master my own weaknesses. It's strange, but I suspect it's actually the other way around for most people, so we have an entirely different job cut out for us. But despite the difficulties, I'm proud of what I am; I wouldn't change it for anything. Being able to accomplish nearly anything you can set your mind to is an incredible gift, even if it comes along with fears of being vulnerable around those I care about.

And despite the endless resenting and justifying, one day, those fears will fall too.


----------



## n2freedom (Jun 2, 2011)

Grau the Great said:


> I do something very similar, grumbling to myself that a relationship isn't worth the damn time and that I shouldn't care... until I realize that it's just an elaborate attempt to rationalize my lack of success, and moreover what the root cause is: myself.


 Yes, the root cause is: me because I tend to keep choosing similar types of people. But, I have done a lot of introspection over the years which has helped me a great deal. I'm pleased with my interactions with the world at large. However, still when it comes to relationships it is quite a different story.

And, yes I am attempting to rationalize my lack of success. But, at the same time I have become doubtful that I will ever meet anyone who will strike that delicate balance with me. And, being vulnerable is the biggest hurdle for me to overcome. I've yet to be able to do that one with success. I did try a few times in the past and was burned terribly as a result. So, I guess if I had to truly admit it ... my outlook is rather dismal concerning the prospect of a) finding someone whom I can trust b) shares similar need for intensity within a relationship c) finding someone whom I am compatible with (and don't get bored with them and or drained by them), d) find someone whom I am strongly attracted to and e) build the relationship to a point where I can be vulnerable with them. 

And, that doesn't even begin to talk about finding someone who will take the time to get to know me. Be okay with my dominant personality and not try to change me.


----------



## Grau the Great (Mar 2, 2012)

n2freedom said:


> Yes, the root cause is: me because I tend to keep choosing similar types of people. But, I have done a lot of introspection over the years which has helped me a great deal. I'm pleased with my interactions with the world at large. However, still when it comes to relationships it is quite a different story.
> 
> And, yes I am attempting to rationalize my lack of success. But, at the same time I have become doubtful that I will ever meet anyone who will strike that delicate balance with me. And, being vulnerable is the biggest hurdle for me to overcome. I've yet to be able to do that one with success. I did try a few times in the past and was burned terribly as a result. So, I guess if I had to truly admit it ... my outlook is rather dismal concerning the prospect of a) finding someone whom I can trust b) shares similar need for intensity within a relationship c) finding someone whom I am compatible with (and don't get bored with them and or drained by them), d) find someone whom I am strongly attracted to and e) build the relationship to a point where I can be vulnerable with them.
> 
> And, that doesn't even begin to talk about finding someone who will take the time to get to know me. Be okay with my dominant personality and not try to change me.


Relationships are the most difficult to attain precisely because they need a level of vulnerability that requires complete trust. I've seen close friends get completely crushed in relationships because the people they were going out with were complete and total assholes.

But just because there are a lot of assholes wandering around this planet (and holy crap, there are) doesn't mean everyone is. There are now 7 billion people in the world. Taking all that demographic crap into account, that still leaves hundreds of millions of possibilities.

Despite being a realist, I at the same time believe firmly in the principle of "you can attain anything, if you are intelligent and resourceful enough". It's not the task that's impossible; most people just find it impossible due to various reasons of their own. But that doesn't mean it isn't worth a try, especially if you're the kind of person who doesn't give up on things easily.

It's true, relationships are in a category of their own, and it sucks, especially if you're the kind of person who feels just as much as everyone else but has a tough time showing it. Western culture in particular seems to reward those who are emotionally open and (in my opinion) act like arm-flapping idiots, so if you're more reserved in opening up emotionally some people will use nonsensical cultural norms to make judgments. But really, those are just people you can immediately cross off the list of ones to go after to narrow it down. Like I said, literally anything is attainable. I wouldn't say that if I didn't believe it entirely.

It takes a lot of work, though, for even the most basic things. You mentioned that you choose similar types of people consistently, and I've done the exact same thing. I'm sure our preferences are quite different, but the principle still stands. It's actually quite funny if you think about it; after a mistake or two I'm almost always the first one in the group to go "this is stupid, it's not working" and suggest a new plan, so why do I make the same mistake endlessly in choosing girls?

Whatever the answer, though, I'm convinced it comes down to just meeting different types of people until something clicks. And in keeping with the theme of possibilities, there actually are things you can do to assist this. If you live in an area where people are more conservative and are more averse to women with dominant personalities, don't rule out going somewhere else. If you tend to do things based on interest, try doing something entirely different where you'll meet different kinds of people; even if you're not interested in the surroundings/whatever the reason they've gathered is, it would expose you to new possibilities anyway. I'm far from knowledgeable about this crap, but eh. Just some ideas, the second of which I'm considering trying out, since I usually focus more on interests than the people who I'll likely associate with.

One final, random observation: If this is the way most people feel about leadership and things like public speaking, then holy crap, no wonder it's almost universally hated. If only speaking with girlfriends was as easy as giving speeches... xD


----------



## n2freedom (Jun 2, 2011)

Grau the Great said:


> Relationships are the most difficult to attain precisely because they need a level of vulnerability that requires complete trust. I've seen close friends get completely crushed in relationships because the people they were going out with were complete and total assholes.


 Truer words have never been spoken.



Grau the Great said:


> Despite being a realist, I at the same time believe firmly in the principle of "you can attain anything, if you are intelligent and resourceful enough". It's not the task that's impossible; most people just find it impossible due to various reasons of their own. But that doesn't mean it isn't worth a try, especially if you're the kind of person who doesn't give up on things easily.


 I agree with you. I haven't given up....just my hope is fading and TBH is somewhat dismal at the current moment.


Grau the Great said:


> It's true, relationships are in a category of their own, and it sucks, *especially if you're the kind of person who feels just as much as everyone else but has a tough time showing it.* Like I said, literally anything is attainable. I wouldn't say that if I didn't believe it entirely.


 I agree with you especially the bolded part. I also agree literally anything is attainable and vehemently ascribe to the "where there is a will...there is a way" philosophy in all the other areas of my life. But, relationships...well that is a breed of a different animal.


Grau the Great said:


> It's actually quite funny if you think about it; after a mistake or two I'm almost always the first one in the group to go "this is stupid, it's not working" and suggest a new plan, so why do I make the same mistake endlessly in choosing girls?


 Yes, I am a firm believer in learning from mistakes, and adjusting plans of action to ensure the same mistake doesn't happen again. The type I keep finding myself involved with speaks to the root of my issues....*emotionally unavailable men*. I'm sure you can do the math and figure the rest out.



Grau the Great said:


> Whatever the answer, though, I'm convinced it comes down to just meeting different types of people until something clicks. And in keeping with the theme of possibilities, there actually are things you can do to assist this. If you live in an area where people are more conservative and are more averse to women with dominant personalities, don't rule out going somewhere else. If you tend to do things based on interest, try doing something entirely different where you'll meet different kinds of people; even if you're not interested in the surroundings/whatever the reason they've gathered is, it would expose you to new possibilities anyway. I'm far from knowledgeable about this crap, but eh. Just some ideas, the second of which I'm considering trying out, since I usually focus more on interests than the people who I'll likely associate with.


 Very good practical advice. Thanks!



Grau the Great said:


> One final, random observation: If this is the way most people feel about leadership and things like public speaking, then holy crap, no wonder it's almost universally hated. If only speaking with girlfriends was as easy as giving speeches... xD


 Hell, if it was like public speaking...I would so ace the shit out of relationships.


----------



## Ventricity (Mar 30, 2009)

i see that there are not many without the self preservation variant here. i suppose that is why i do not relate as strongly with the posessive and jealous/stalking side, allthough i can certainly be arrogant and promiscuous. my problem relates more to being able to control my desires. this is not only relatable in terms of sex, but also anything that i feel passionate about (even food. if there's a bag of chips in front of me i will eat the whole thing and hate myself after). I drink too much when in good company and always swear i'll never drink again afterwards. 

i need to stay away or go all in. i've been considering joining a yoga class or something to be better to balance this. the only thing that helps is getting rid of temptations.
my favourite tv series is californication (that show is super sx/so). sometimes i feel like a nerd version of the main character 

another thing that has not been mentioned for this subtype is the love of passion. i'm not a sentimental person in particular, but i love the passion in things like tango and salsa and all art. i've been able to pick up alot of girls dancing (allthough most of those is not really my type). when i see "so you think you can dance" i always cry out for more passion.


----------



## n2freedom (Jun 2, 2011)

Ventricity said:


> another thing that has not been mentioned for this subtype is the *love of passion*. i'm not a sentimental person in particular, but i love the passion in things like tango and salsa and all art. i've been able to pick up alot of girls dancing (allthough most of those is not really my type). when i see "so you think you can dance" i always cry out for more passion.


 Yes, I love the passion in things like tango and salsa and all art. Very good point. Maybe I should take up dancing so I can pickup guys.

"So You Think You Can Dance" .... love that show especially when they have dancers that exude passion, intensity, originality, and energy. Personally, I love to observe good dancing and love to dance myself. 

I also enjoy singers who exude passion in their voice and stage presence. I love it when a singer invokes a feeling within me like I can feel the very essence of the song they are singing. Again, good point ... thanks for sharing it.


----------



## Runvardh (May 17, 2011)

I'm not as goal oriented, but the rest sounds right. I have regular implosions due to how much I have to control myself around others in order for them to feel comfortable working with me. If I have my pon farr, the implosions reduce dramatically; but being single and unable to find someone for sex for the last 5 years has been interesting...

Edit: I also have trouble with casual which seriously diminishes my outlets.


----------



## kaleidoscope (Jan 19, 2012)

n2freedom said:


> So, glad you said this. The desire for connection/merging for me in no way means attachment. I hope that makes sense. I have NO desire to be under anyone 24-7. I am very independent and autonomous and demand my space free of restrictions.
> 
> However, desire of connection/merging for me means to know someone on the deepest level possible. To explore and know the depths of their psyche, soul, heart, etc.


I can very much relate to this, as well as the OP. Being an Sx-dom isn't about being completely attached to someone, wanting to be around them ALL the time. I'm very independent as well. I think it has to do with being an Sx/*Sp*.

I tend to oscillate between intense merging with my SO, and needing time alone. I get easily overwhelmed, and I'm in no way in need of constant contact. When there IS contact though, it's taken to an extreme emotionally wise and intimacy wise.


----------



## pepe (May 8, 2012)

n2freedom said:


> All above whatever you have mentioned and also.. Edit: I know Sexual instinct doesn't necessarily correlate to sexual activities. But, for me it shows up in the sexual arena too in excess as nymphomaniac tendencies. When I was younger, I was very, very promiscuous in my quest to experience excitement and intensity.


 You have made my life easier. I feel the same and finding sort of relief to know that I am not alone. You have told everything already. No necessary to add more


----------



## sam1234 (Oct 11, 2019)

When sx fours seek this revenge that they feel justified in doing, do they ever feel guilty? Can they feel as if they made a mistake if it drives away someone that they love?

Sent from my SM-G973U using Tapatalk


----------



## Glad (Mar 13, 2020)

Omg, I had this sx experience once. I'm in choir and we were gonna co-perform with band. So like during the first band practice, I noticed the band president and got immediately attracted to the way he is behaving. Like he seemed totally gentle, polite and caring which are qualities I seldom see in guys. So during the whole time all the way to after we performed inside me I'm like totally feeling 'I really wanna be frens with him, even though I know he's gay and I really want to get to know him!' My friends all think I'm obsessed with him and have a crush on him but honestly no. I know I dun like him that way and obviously would not think of him that way when I clearly know he is gay. I was upset with my frens cos they keep calling me obsessed but honestly I don't feel that way at all. I jus had that impulse of wanting to get to know him and I was wondering to myself if none of my frens ever had the experience of wanting to know all about a random stranger and if I was abnormal. In the end like I totally made frens with the dood, he's called Max btw. So like after I followed him on Instagram and he followed me back, we chit chatted for like hours during midnight and I frickin laughed so much I cannot. I just really really enjoyed the intimacy and connection and getting to know all the deets about him and I was secretly upset that he didn't ask that much info about me. At the same time, when I realised that he remembered the stuff I told him, I was so happy he actually cared. So like this whole experience was before I even found out I was sx1. But like currently I'm in my school hols, and there has been no cca for a while, and I haven't contacted him for quite some time. and now, I feel like Idk what to say to him, although I totally wouldn't be awkward with him. I just wouldn't be awkward with people in general with all my close frens even with the distance. So I think this is really got to do with the Sx obsession thing. I really dun feel like its obsession on my side though.

The times when I feel like I may be a little obsessed is when im researching about topics that I am rly rly interested in. For example: the enneagram. I spent all my time researching about details about it when I am at risk of submitting my individual assignments late. and I would absolutely research until I feel satisfied with the answer I found. because I place so much importance in satisfying my emotional desires and the intensity I feel. Honestly this is how I see it. I can also be researching a lot on topics that are involved heavily with my imaginative and artistic side and I would research about them even if they are not useful to me at all and like not useful in general. So I would call this side of me being obsessed with like the "wrong" things. This is one passionate side of me


----------



## Fennel (Jan 11, 2017)

n2freedom said:


> I've just discovered that my dominant instinctual variant is Sexual. And, it helps explains a lot to me about some of my tendencies. I tend to be all or nothing. I seek intensity and depth. I am a very passionate person and can be rather obsessive in my romantic relationships. Not obsessive in the stalker sense where I follow people around and/or harass them.
> 
> But, in the sense I can't get them off of my mind and they dominate my thoughts sense. When I was younger, I ran many of intimates away because I came on too strong in relationships. When I stop to think about it though, it is not just limited to relationships. I can be the same way about ideas, interests, goals, etc.
> 
> ...


Daym, I can so relate to this. Except it doesn't feel like obsession, it's just the way I live. From the outside, it does seem like obsession and it pushes people away.

But if it's like that for all sx doms, then it seems there's either too few of us or we're being systematically discriminated against. What is generally considered as "obsessive and unhealthy" is ideal for me.


----------



## Fynn (Mar 11, 2020)

It's easier for me to balance in romantic relationships than platonic ones. 

I'm often intensively focused on one person at a time. I can invest all my energy (and affection and time and-) into a single person for a short period of time, usually when I first get to know them or we're bonding or I feel like they need a friend at the time. However I can't hold that level of intense care up for very long. Usually I have to draw back just a little after some time so that I can invest that energy into other relationships or hobbies again. 

It makes the other person feel like I abandoned them or replaced them or just don't wanna be around them anymore (this has been an issue with a type 6 friend of mine for over six months now), which is ... not the case, but I also don't know how to balance their needs with my own ones. I've been directly told to be 'less intense' in the past as to not hurt the people around me, it gets me into fights a lot.

I've been trying to handle it better by establishing more boundaries and being more transparent, but when I'm this invested in someone I strive off that energy and they usually do as well. It's hard to pull myself out of it.


----------



## Vexus (Mar 23, 2020)

I've only been learning about types and different personalities for about a month or so now. Obsessing over the information, consuming it as much as possible.

I know how much I've pushed people away by being too intense, and like Fennel posted; "What is generally considered as 'obsessive and unhealthy' is ideal for me."

It's killing me because I feel like I've pushed away people due to this intensity I seek. But I know it clearly, that it's what I want. And yet I'm so conflicted; will it ever exist? And then I see this kind of post, and I'm floored that anyone could write such a sentence as what Fennel wrote.

I am an INFJ 4w5 sx/so - I did not know this just over a month ago. I had typed myself a long time ago (MBTI), but didn't look into it more. It was only when I saw someone similar did I dig into this phenomena and other personality tests. And so I'm again just floored to see these same things/similarities discussed. It feels wild to have my own words written by someone else.

I'm in a strange place, constantly getting feedback that this way of being is wrong; and yet, I can't deny it. I'm just burning inside. The worst part is because in relationships, the other person can't handle it, and it forced me to cool and not be myself, to not unleash this thing. It's been trapped for so long.

The worst part, for me, is feeling this desire, knowing it will push people away, but also, not wanting to engage in meaningless relationships; the Sx part for me is about intimately connecting with that 'one' person and not a bunch of strangers or short-term relationships. Maybe that is the So talking? Yet the reality is if you don't entertain that idea of 'trying frequently', how will you ever find that 'one'?

What do we do? What do I do? Just keep existing?

It hurts to read those 8 year old posts on this thread. No updates. Will that be my post in 8 years?

I'm coming to an odd conclusion, one I cannot get out of my mind, that I need to find someone exactly my type or extremely close. I almost feel a so/sx instinct is better for a long term relationship, to contrast my sx/so, so that life can go on, instead of being wrapped up in passion and emotion and forgetting the outside world, as I'd assume two sx/so would end up like that. In other words, I'm concluding I want someone so specific, there's probably around 600 or less in the entire USA who are suitable. An INFJ, 4w5, so/sx woman. I've done the math and it's extremely rare, probably more rare than that. The odds are against, and yet... I persist. Why? Should I give up this way of being? Should I listen to others who tell me - directly or indirectly - that this is unhealthy? Is 'healthy' just being with random partners in life and not trying to soul-bond with your 'one'?

The potential for failure on this issue kills me.

The worst part? Up until I saw these similarities - that I'm not alone in my thinking - I suppressed all this. Now it's out in the open again and it's eating me up.

I'm really just venting because I do see a solution ahead. I'm more throwing my name in the hat of "me too" here and saying I know the feeling, I know the pain, and I stand with you all who go through this. If you have any insights to share, I'd love to hear it. But is there anything more to say? Wouldn't the person you bond with, want the exact same thing, and know exactly what would have been said, if you even needed words, which you don't?


----------

