# ...To abort or not to abort...



## AriyaSacca (Jul 2, 2013)

First, there is no easy answer. I can share my experience if that helps, even if it helps you realize what you don't agree with.  I became pregnant at the age of 18. I found out after my boyfriend left for a job in another state. I didn't find out until 2 months in. Once I saw the sonogram at over 2 months and saw with my eyes that my child was a fully developed baby with arms and legs that was kicking around (even if it was super small, it still was a developed enough to be grabbing around). I decided to have him. He is now 18 and is the most amazing life saving aspect of my life. It WAS NOT EASY though. I have struggled financially, to put myself through college, etc. All I can say is that where there is a will, there is a way! Also, I had another friend, who chose open adoption because she couldn't handle a child emotionally, financially or physically at the time. She now has a wonderful relationship with her daughter and the family that raised her is very supportive. I'm not saying you shouldn't abort, that is a highly personal choice, that only you can know. What I am saying is that if you choose not too, it can be ok, even if the odds seem stacked against you. Questions to consider: 1) Do I have support (friends or family members)? I did not initially have the support of my family, but they quickly turned around and decided to support. If this isn't the case, adoption was my second route. 2) Do I want kids down the road? 3) Which path is aligned with me spiritually? In other words, what is your heart asking for in this situation? Looking at the bigger picture of your life, what do you want? I hope this helps, feel free to PM me. I've been there!


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## Aenye (Jul 13, 2013)

chwoey said:


> Intense question, I know.. I'm in quite the pickle.
> 
> I'm pregnant. At least I'm about 85% sure I'm pregnant. I haven't had my period in over 5 weeks and everything I'm experiencing matches up with being pregnant. I took a test a week ago and it was negative, but I chalk that up to it being too early in my cycle so that the pregnancy hormones were too low to be detected.
> 
> ...


1. Don't listen to moral preaching of other people whatever they are.
2. You like the idea of having a child and you can provide for it? Yes, keep it!!!
3. There's no shame in being a 20yo mother, unless you're a bad parent. Head up and walk proudly. 
Do you think it's justified, just and fair that a random stranger judges you for doing something good that makes you happy? No. There will be always sb to judge you. Always. So, just ignore it and think about yourself and your child. 
4. Don't be afraid to talk to your parents, remind them it's their grandchild and how nice it will be. If they disliked children so much, they wouldn't have you. Remind them that you will finish your studies, but in due time in accordance to the child's needs.

KEEP THE CHILD!


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## chwoey (Mar 29, 2012)

In case anyone was still interested/curious. I had a miscarriage yesterday, I assume it is all for the best now. At least I know that I truly want a child eventually now.


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## StElmosDream (May 26, 2012)

chwoey said:


> In case anyone was still interested/curious. I had a miscarriage yesterday, I assume it is all for the best now. At least I know that I truly want a child eventually now.


*wishes I could offer you a deeply caring hug, feeling completely sure that you will make a good Mother when you are ready*


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## Swede (Apr 2, 2013)

chwoey said:


> In case anyone was still interested/curious. I had a miscarriage yesterday, I assume it is all for the best now. At least I know that I truly want a child eventually now.


I'm sorry to hear that. At least, as you say, you learned something really important. 

I hope that you already know that miscarriages during the first trimester are very common. You are not alone going through this! Hugs.


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## killerB (Jan 14, 2010)

The only decision in this matter that counts is YOURS. It is easy for others not in your situation to tell you what to do, based on their feelings, religion, or morals. However, you are the one that will be raising the child, should you not abort, or dealing with the abortion, if you do. Not them. 

The only advice I can give is as a parent of a 22 year old, and what I would tell her if she had a pregnancy scare....."You are not alone in this, talk to me."..... If you are 'pretty sure' that they would support you, then tell them! I am virtually sure that if you do not, and they find out later, they will wonder why you did not feel you could come to them. Parenting does not suddenly end at 18, or when you move out. 

No matter what you chose, Good Luck!


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## birdsintrees (Aug 20, 2012)

chwoey said:


> In case anyone was still interested/curious. I had a miscarriage yesterday, I assume it is all for the best now. At least I know that I truly want a child eventually now.


That's hard. I'm sorry it had to be like that. One day it'll be right and you'll be ready.


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## Sparkling (Jul 12, 2013)

fuck this thread, intellectual discussions on whether to murder a human being or not


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## Temur (Jun 14, 2012)

bluekitdon said:


> My personal opinion is don't abort, most everyone I've known that has done so has regretted it. It is possible to give it up for adoption with the caveat that you are able to see them on occasion if you really don't think you can handle it. Having children is a sacrifice but I've yet to hear one of my friends say that they regret going through with it.


When you aremolder and more well off, looking with hindsight you probably will regret the decision.

That doesn't mean you made the wrong decision, you have no idea how the alternative would have been. No one is saying that abortion is to be celebrated. The regret is because being put in that position of making that choice at that age is regrettable, and not the subsequent choice.


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## Glenda Gnome Starr (May 12, 2011)

I am very sorry for your loss.
Hugs.



chwoey said:


> In case anyone was still interested/curious. I had a miscarriage yesterday, I assume it is all for the best now. At least I know that I truly want a child eventually now.


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## snail (Oct 13, 2008)

From what you have written, it sounds like you have already decided. You feel like you are ready for a baby, and you would love him/her very much. You have a supportive environment where you could raise him/her. The only concern is what other people might think, and I don't think their disapproval is a valid justification for anything. 

If you abort a wanted baby, you will likely feel awful about it for the rest of your life. I sure did. I've been living with regrets since my early twenties, and there is no way to ever undo it. I have to live with the knowledge that I will never get to see my child, watch his/her first steps, sing him/her to sleep, celebrate any of his/her birthdays, attend his/her wedding, or anything else, because s/he is dead at my hands. 

When my brother's child came, I saw how much love my parents felt for their first granddaughter, and I couldn't bring myself to tell them that they would have already had a first grandchild if not for my bad decision all of those years ago. My niece won't ever meet her cousin. They won't get to play together. 

I deprived everyone, including myself, of that possibility. I felt a bond with the child I aborted, and that bond never went away, even when the child died. It haunts me to this day. I sincerely hope that I can keep others from making the same mistake I did.


edit: I just noticed that there was an update. I am so sorry for your loss. Maybe someday you will get another chance to be a mother.


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## INTJellectual (Oct 22, 2011)

When I found out I was pregnant with my second child (my youngest child), I had planned to abort it. My husband didn't liked the idea and he tried everything to convince me to let this child live. Me and my husband then was one of our worst times, on the verge of separation, and aborting the baby was the only way for us to truly separate.

But, I was also afraid of the consequences of getting an abortion (abortion is illegal here). I was afraid of the consequences it would have on my body and worried that what if I abort and the child would live? It would be deformed forever and I cannot bear that to happen and it would be the greatest mistake and my conscience would forever haunt me if I did my plan.

My husband has tried his best for us to reconcile and to be nice at me. I have learned to accept the unborn child and decided it to live. But there were times when we fight and I was depressed when I knew at the result of the ultrasound. I was at my 8th month pregnancy then and tried to harm myself hoping that the baby would die. I know it's awful for me to do that but I have a turbulent mix of emotions then, and the baby wasn't wanted in the first place. But still, I decided to let it live and I don't regret it. I gave him a chance at life and I am thankful of my decision.

I didn't intend to bond with the baby and I had planned to resume to work after 3 months. But I hadn't resumed to work for 1 year. I admit I was too lazy to care for the baby, I didn't want to bother myself waking up at 3am to make formula so what I did was breastfeed him out of laziness. My mother said that the baby lacks emotional stimuli, he doesn't cry, he doesn't smile or laugh. When he is sleepy, I didn't bother to carry him in my arms because I didn't want to feel his weight and get tired and annoyed because of it. He sleeps on his own. I must say, he's easy to take care of unlike my first wanted child. I didn't get much stress taking care of him.

He's almost 4 years old now and he still breastfeed at times. I bond deeply with that child. Maybe it's the oxytocin thing released from breastfeeding that promotes bonding? He makes me happy and he's the light and hope of my life. My first child stresses me so much but this unwanted child (now loved and wanted) gives me joy in my everyday life.

You know life has its surprises. Sometimes we think by making this and that decision things will be for the better. But the future is unknown. We don't know what would happen next and we only think of the bad probabilities. Sometimes what we think would be bad for us, would be our source of joy and hope and strength. The decision is still yours. But I suggest, give it a chance at life. You'll never know what would it bring. Right now, you're focused on the bad consequences, but think also of the good things it might bring. Who knows you're strong enough to overcome life's difficulties? Good luck and wish you all the best!


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## INTJellectual (Oct 22, 2011)

@_chwoey_

Wait, you lost your baby? Sorry to hear that. I didn't notice earlier about your update. Maybe it's not the time yet and it wasn't meant to live.

But if ever life gave you a chance again at being a mother take it, and don't take the life of your child, because it is nature's flow of life renewing in itself.

And another advice, opinion of anyone is not important. You don't need their approval. Listen to your instincts and what you really want. What you THINK is the most important, not other's.

*My empathetic hugs


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## INTJellectual (Oct 22, 2011)

Another note:

Go to the doctor immediately knowing that you had miscarriage. Any tissues and organs of your unborn baby inside your womb is poisonous and harmful to your body.


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## dragthewaters (Feb 9, 2013)

chwoey said:


> In case anyone was still interested/curious. I had a miscarriage yesterday, I assume it is all for the best now. At least I know that I truly want a child eventually now.


How do you know it was a miscarriage instead of a late period?


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## Caged Within (Aug 9, 2013)

chwoey said:


> In case anyone was still interested/curious. I had a miscarriage yesterday, I assume it is all for the best now. At least I know that I truly want a child eventually now.


I'm sorry you had to deal with that.


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## chwoey (Mar 29, 2012)

thismustbetheplace said:


> How do you know it was a miscarriage instead of a late period?


I went to the hospital.

Thank you everyone, by the way. I appreciate the kind thoughts.


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