# Forgive a dark past



## snail (Oct 13, 2008)

> Joanna North (1987): “To forgive, we must overcome resentment, not by denying ourselves the right to feel resentment, but by forcing ourselves to see the culprit with compassion, benevolence and love, even while knowing that he has voluntarily relinquished his right to these”.


I think I'm going to make this my new signature. I need to be reminded of this until I can manage to internalize it.

A lot of my fear comes from the ways that doing this in the past enabled abusive behavior. For example, after being violently beaten, when my abuser hurt his wrist against my skull, my first reaction was to wipe my tears and comfort him, to try to tend his injury rather than giving myself permission to feel upset about having been abused. I hardly noticed my own bruises because I valued his pain more than my own. I was still in touch with my ability to be compassionate without worrying about defending my own feelings. 

After enough years of being mistreated, something changed. It would be nice to get back to that point without feeling like a compassionate attitude toward my enemies could keep me trapped in a dangerous situation again. I feel like I am always on guard now and tend to react with anger instead of being selfless and patient. I was once almost the person I currently want to be, but at this point, it seems like it would be very difficult to return to that state. Apparently my love wasn't strong enough to hold off the fear and pain indefinitely.


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## Erbse (Oct 15, 2010)

Intricate Mystic said:


> Are you saying that when you care about someone else you _always_ lose?


Most certainly if the degree of care isn't returned.


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## Intricate Mystic (Apr 3, 2010)

Erbse said:


> Most certainly if the degree of care isn't returned.


Do you think it's possible to find a relationship in which each person cares equally about the other, though? Just wondering.


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## Erbse (Oct 15, 2010)

Intricate Mystic said:


> Do you think it's possible to find a relationship in which each person cares equally about the other, though? Just wondering.


It's entirely possible. Most relationships of all kinds however don't usually provide two equally balanced sides.


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## lirulin (Apr 16, 2010)

Maybe you aren't ready to forgive yet. The important thing is to not blame yourself or judge yourself for feeling anger. It isn't a wrong, unnatural, healthy emotion. Anger is supposed to be a sign that something's wrong, to alert us so that we can make a change. It is something you need to acknowledge and accept as a part of you before you can deal healthily. I'm not saying that holding a grudge us ever healthy, just that an emotion in itself is neither good nor bad, it is how you respond to it that determines its effect on you. Telling yourself what you _should_ feel is not necessarily putting the right pressure on yourself. Ask yourself what you _do_ feel and why and accept and deal with that. In doing so, it may be easier for the anger to wane - pushing it down, if that is what you have been trying, might just be making it stronger.

I lately read a book (about bad parents but whatever) and there was a section on forgiveness where the author discussed how in her practice she ran into people who had forgiven too quickly to have really healed, or were too focussed on forgiveness in a way that was continuing their previous negative patterns - often self-doubt and self-blame. More than not forgiving their (in this case), parents, they couldn't forgive _themselves_ for not being forgiving and just used the idea to torture themselves. It may be relevant. Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their ... - Google Books


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## Intricate Mystic (Apr 3, 2010)

Erbse said:


> It's entirely possible. *Most relationships of all kinds however don't usually provide two equally balanced sides.*


This is true and it's kind of sad. When you are the person who likes your partner more, you will probably get hurt at some point. When your partner likes _you_ more, you will probably hurt them. Neither of these scenarios is good. I guess it's extremely important to look for balanced relationships! May I ask how you approach this issue in your life?


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## Erbse (Oct 15, 2010)

Intricate Mystic said:


> This is true and it's kind of sad. When you are the person who likes your partner more, you will probably get hurt at some point. When your partner likes _you_ more, you will probably hurt them. Neither of these scenarios is good. I guess it's extremely important to look for balanced relationships! May I ask how you approach this issue in your life?


By being single :crazy:

ISTP's are loner by nature, and my relationship experiences aren't anywhere close to provide a profound conclusion regarding that particularly question - it's more of a general observation I've made throughout my ever so short live thus far.


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## Zugzwang (Aug 21, 2010)

Thanks to all of you who have answered  I haven't got the time to reply to you all, but I have read many of your good advices and I got things to think about and consider.


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