# Lake of social skills, makes me depressed



## aidin36 (Nov 16, 2010)

I don't have friends, I have no one around me, and I live like this for years. My psychologist told me that I suffer of not-having-normal-social-skills.

Let me starts from the begging ...

I had a bad family: always fight, always anger, and my parents finally separated. I was an Introversion, so I keep myself away from everyone (to prevent hurt) And I was lonely, depressed, and completely cheerless, for years ...

My psychologist helps me to overcome depression, and now my problem is: Begin alone for years, I didn't learn social skills. Even normal skills that everyone have. I can't make friends, and it makes me feel more lonely. And I suffer from this loneliness.

I know that I just need practice. But I don't know where to start. How can I improve my social skills? Any advice?


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## mrscientist (Jul 4, 2010)

Well i'd suggest starting some activity to get into contact with people. We are all different, me being an extereme introvert aswell, you need to realise that that is not a bad thing at all, you are not damaged, flawed. People want your company still, you just need to get on the market.


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## neptunesky (Dec 26, 2009)

To understand social skills better, perhaps join a group... like a footy club or if you're not into sports, something else that thrives on 'community'. I belong to a sketch club and I've met a bunch of cool cats.


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## aidin36 (Nov 16, 2010)

You're right. Placing myself in the market, joining communities.

I may try a book-worms club or something. I sure I can find other Introverts there.


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## aidin36 (Nov 16, 2010)

To be honest, I expected that someone shows up and give me an article, book or something about how can I understand people better.

But your solutions was very simple: Engage with people if you want to know them. You're right. I better go out and show myself. It's a little scary, but I have to overcome these fears.

Thanks. ^L^


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## jbking (Jun 4, 2010)

*Some links...*

"How to Win Friends and Influence People - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia" has some ideas that are worth using to some degree if you want some tips.

Sites like "Do something, Learn something, Share something, Change something - Meetup" may work for finding groups if you live in a big enough city that has some people that use that site.


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## aidin36 (Nov 16, 2010)

Thanks jbking, thought I didn't found any group in meetup, but that tips from Wikipedia was very useful.


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## Outcode (Nov 28, 2009)

If you want to start small, try talking to people in chat rooms or something. As strange as this may sound, I started improving my social skills by talking to people online. They helped me realize that I can be witty and likable, as well as made me comfortable with talking to people (even though it was through text, but regardless, it was still very helpful).


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## aidin36 (Nov 16, 2010)

It seems a good idea to me, Outcode. I'm very good at writing. I was alone for years, and I used to write my memories, thoughts, and sometimes poems.
I should try it. Maybe I found some real-world friends too.


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## Jwing24 (Aug 2, 2010)

i am definitely an introvert, dont have many friends, and suck at building relationships

my advice would be to start with something you are comfortable with and enjoy doing, try to do it in a group settting that way and see how you like it.

good luck to you


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## aidin36 (Nov 16, 2010)

Thanks Jwing.

Seems I just need to start with something. I can't sit down here, and hope that someone ring my bell and asks me to be friends.


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## Outcode (Nov 28, 2009)

We'll be your friends, man.


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## noz (Dec 7, 2009)

You know, going off the internet chat idea, you might actually consider an MMORPG if you haven't played one before and none of the other suggestions take off. The trick would be to pick a class like cleric that will force you to cooperate and socialize with others in order to advance. Join a guild, become part of a family team. That very well might teach you the foundation of what you're after.

I never understood politics and economics, people's behavior in general, their need for politeness and considerations, as well as I do now before those experiences in MMORPGs. You'd be surprised what you can learn there...

then again, as an ISFJ your difficulties might be totally different than what mine were.


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## Aßbiscuits (Oct 8, 2009)

I'd be happy if I had a lake of social skills.

Okay, sorry. Here's a tip. Don't think about what you say, just say what comes to your mind, don't think "man, should I really say that?" you'd be surprised by who listens and how they respond. They're in the exact same boat as you, the insecurity of not knowing what to say, if they're not talking to you. If they're rude to you let them have it. Tell them they're rude. This works with nice people. Not so nice people, like immature people in high school, like bullies, only talk to them if they talk to you. If they're also rude to you, let them have it, if they're not violent.


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## aidin36 (Nov 16, 2010)

Outcode said:


> We'll be your friends, man.


Thanks man, you ARE my friends, helps me overcome my issue.



noz said:


> you might actually consider an MMORPG


Ah, I should think about it. I used to play computer games all day long, when I was teen. So, I'm afraid of being addicted! :wink:

I know I can act better in chat rooms, and other similar things, where I can assume that other people aren't real. But I think I'm gonna put myself in more real situations.


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## aidin36 (Nov 16, 2010)

Cliodna said:


> don't think "man, should I really say that?"


That's exactly my issue.

"Should I say that? What will they think if I act like this? What if I go there and start talking with him/her? Will he/she reject me?"

Seems I'm afraid of all of these, of being rejected, of hurting someone. And I'm also afraid of being hurt. Maybe first I should fix this. I can learn social skills over time, but first I need to get in contact with people.

You're right Cliodna, acting that way can helps me.


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## aidin36 (Nov 16, 2010)

*Finally, the solution.*

Well, seems our latest three posts are removed, because of a problem in PerC.

I just want to share what I found about myself. It may help others that reading this thread.

Thinking more about my problems, and talking to my psychologist, I think I finally found the problem.

I'm too perfectionism. Before going to someone to talk, I think to myself "What if I fail to attract her/him?" "What if they find me imperfect?" I always want to be perfect, to be the best in the things that I think I have talent in them. And when I think about the possible failures, I don't want to do them at all.

I told my psychologist that I know my problem, but I didn't found any solution to _completely_ solve it. And he says "It's a problem itself. To want to solve something completely." And he said that I shouldn't look for completeness, for perfectness. Even when I try to improve my personality.

We all are humans, we all doing mistakes. No one is perfect. And I should accept that I may fail.

======
And I want to thank you all. I learned a lot since I start this thread. ::flower::


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## jbking (Jun 4, 2010)

*Just a thought...*



aidin36 said:


> Thinking more about my problems, and talking to my psychologist, I think I finally found the problem.
> 
> I'm too perfectionism. Before going to someone to talk, I think to myself "What if I fail to attract her/him?" "What if they find me imperfect?" I always want to be perfect, to be the best in the things that I think I have talent in them. And when I think about the possible failures, I don't want to do them at all.


I can relate, being a fellow perfectionist. However, this need not always be a negative as I like finding new ways to do things and be better at whatever I do. The key is to have this be kept in moderation so that I'm not overly trying to do only the best way but accept that there are possibly many good ways that can be nearly as effective as long as I do whatever it was that I wanted to do.

As a side note you could look at various exercises for an Enneagram type 1 which is the perfectionist also.


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## aidin36 (Nov 16, 2010)

I completely agree with this, Jbking. I should moderate my perfectionism a little.

I didn't study much about Enneagram types. I took a test, and it turns out that I'm of Type One. I'm sure finding out more about this type will help me, as understanding that I'm an ISFJ helped me a lot.


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## Obagoal17 (Dec 2, 2010)

Hang around extroverted people.....It's quite honestly the only way...


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