# Why do parents leave their children?



## SeekJess (Nov 1, 2009)

I have always wondered. How can a parent leave something that they helped create? Aren't there any emotional repercussions? Isn't there something deep inside hurting them when they do this? And also... it seems to me, it is more common for a man to leave his kids, than a woman. Why is that?


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## Drake (Oct 31, 2009)

I am not as close to my kids with my ex as I would like. There are many factors that played into this, such as her deciding to move across the country, etc, etc.

But in all reality, it was the fact that it hurt like hell, and I was not equipped to deal with the emotional pain at the time. It took a while to realize that I was pushing my children away to spare myself, once this realization happened it was easier to figure out what was going on inside my head a bit more. I will never get the years that where lost back, but I can, and I am playing a more active role in their life now. I think we are all the better for it as well.


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## Nicole Hobbs (May 31, 2012)

It's more common for a man to leave his kids, because there isn't as much chemical bonding that goes on between the dad and the offspring, as much as the chemical bonding that goes on between the mom and the same offspring. Biology did this because men are rather more designed to go out and "spread the seed" whereas women were more designed to "stay at home and raise the children." 
Biologically, that is.

Emotionally...well, I don't know.


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## AstralSoldier (Jun 18, 2012)

Nicole Hobbs said:


> It's more common for a man to leave his kids, because there isn't as much chemical bonding that goes on between the dad and the offspring, as much as the chemical bonding that goes on between the mom and the same offspring. Biology did this because men are rather more designed to go out and "spread the seed" whereas women were more designed to "stay at home and raise the children."
> Biologically, that is.
> 
> Emotionally...well, I don't know.


Men that do that aren't to be called men; hang 'em up, and cleave 'em in my opinion...they make the men that WANT to stay, and be a significant, proud presence in their children's life look bad...they don't deserve to be fathers. I get a little MIFFED when I think about why men have such 'convienient' excuses such as biology not to want to father/raise their children....even the King of Siam Mongkut, could make it work between all of his wives and kids.....I mean, it's a really a disgraceful sight to see a guy turn his back on his kids....what a joke. :angry:


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## La Li Lu Le Lo (Aug 15, 2011)

Nicole Hobbs said:


> It's more common for a man to leave his kids, because there isn't as much chemical bonding that goes on between the dad and the offspring, as much as the chemical bonding that goes on between the mom and the same offspring. Biology did this because men are rather more designed to go out and "spread the seed" whereas women were more designed to "stay at home and raise the children."
> Biologically, that is.
> 
> Emotionally...well, I don't know.


You're only making a half-truth. The same biology that encourages _some_ men to be promiscuous encourages them to take care of children when their partner has a baby.

Also before we start talking about how quick some men are to leave their children, let's not forget the 50 million abortions that have taken place in the US since _Roe v. Wade_.


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## EmileeArsenic (Jun 8, 2012)

There isn't any one answer for this question. I've never had any children, so I've never walked away from any of mine, but from the child's perspective, I know what it's like to be left wondering if you're somehow responsible or defective or something (especially when you grow up hearing stories about how your father has a new family now that he's stayed with).

Personally, I think there are no good reasons not to be involved in your children's lives, even a little, excluding a situation where you don't know that child exists. I understand if, like me, you're not a kid person and never really wanted to have children and your partner decided otherwise, now you're stuck with the responsibility, but it's still your responsibility to have some sort of presence in their lives. After all is said and done, that is YOUR child.

I know a woman who gave her ex husband full custody because she never bonded with the child and is not interested in raising him. She still wants to visit on holidays and fully intends to help with the raising expenses, but she is fine with the way her ex and his new wife care for the child, and has no interest in doing so, herself. She has admitted this on multiple occasions, however she is still not just wandering into the great white nowhere and disappearing. She is still fulfilling the commitment she made when she decided to carry a child and give birth. 

For some, there may be no emotional connection. Just because some have a highly emotional / instinctual response doesn't mean everyone will. It's just like how not everyone likes kids in general. I know for myself, I'm hesitant to have children because I don't particularly like them. I get the warm-fuzzies when I look at puppies or play with them, but I have no connection to human children. I don't understand them, I don't like them, their crying gives me a headache, they smell funny and their skin feels odd (That's right, I said it, I don't like kids, and REALLY don't think they're cute. They look like a weird combo of a Chinese Crested dog and some odd, hairless monkey to me, and I generally dislike monkeys *knows she will get flack for this, but she's just being honest* and am not particularly fond of Chinese Crested dogs). I'd much rather surround myself with fur-children and adore my pack to bits than have my body stretched every which way, possibly torn and HIGHLY sensitive areas treated very harshly *shudder* just in order to be a maid and sleepless slave to something that can't even wipe it's own hindquarters, but if I ever get married, there's a good chance my future husband will want to spawn, and I may oblige. Only time will tell.


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## Unus (May 24, 2012)

When I was a child, I found an old photograph in a drawer of my mother holding a baby. I knew that it was neither me or my brother so I asked her about it. She told me that she had been married before to a man who was both rich and influential and who came from a very powerful family. The man was abusive towards her, both physically, mentally and emotionally, and humiliated her to the point that she had to leave. I asked her why she didn't take her son with her. She told me that the family would have come after her and she thought that he would have a better life with them. 

My opinion is that she was intensely selfish and my life with her showed me that she was incapable of making a selfless decision. She was an emotionally cold and distant person, although appearing warm and bubbly to anyone outside the family. Her world revolved around her and how she wanted it to be. She dealt with problems by picking up sticks and leaving instead of facing them head on and didn't let anything stand in the way of her achieving her goals. 

So, I guess my answer to the question of why parents leave their children is that they do this because they can and the reason they can is because they see children as a hindrance rather than something to lavish love and attention on. They have no emotional attachment to their children. Nothing weighs them down. It's all about them and that's where their focus is, always.

EDIT: I think I should add that I have every sympathy with divorced people who have to go different paths and thus, out of necessity, distance means that one parent has to forgo the custody of their child/children. My opinion is only due to my experience and reflective of those parents who abandon their children due to intense selfishness and not necessity born out of circumstance. I'm deeply sorry for those who find themselves in this impossible position.


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## killerB (Jan 14, 2010)

I conciously made the decision to have all three of my kids, planned them, and have never regretted it.

I can never imagine giving my children up or walking away from them. I would lie, cheat and steal for them. I would have no problem killing to protect them. I am Pro choice, very strongly so, but I am not sure I could even give up my child if I was raped.

My children have been difficult at times to raise, it's been difficult for me to pay bills at times, especially when I was a single Mother, but I have never one time thought I would have been better off without them. Never have I once entertained the thought of walking off and not having a 'hinderance'. I just don't comprehend how anyone could walk away.


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## heaveninawildflower (Feb 5, 2012)

My mom walked out of my life when I was 16. She never came back home from work one day. It was unexpected and a shock. She left me and my siblings behind with my dad and he was in no condition to raise us. She left because of domestic violence and she left us in it. My youngest sibling was 9 years old at the time. I have never been able to understand how she could just walk out of our lives like that. She should have took me and my siblings with her.


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## Laney (Feb 20, 2012)

A weak oxytocin bond, need to move away for work, a divorce/ loss of custody, and adoption because you can't provide for them. I think men have less social pressure to do the day to day raising of kids so if they aren't present it is not as big of a deal. Some can take jobs that keep them away, or leave all together without it making much of a difference.


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## ThatUglyGirl (Jun 18, 2012)

I read that because it has become easier for people to get divorces, men have found it a lot easier just to leave their families and start over with a younger partner, hence the rise in single female-headed households in the last few decades. Back when it was more difficult/socially unacceptable for people to get divorced, more people stayed together to raise families.

As far as emotionally? I'm not sure, but I would think that it's because a man that walks out on his family would feel that he should look out for his wants/needs/interests first and foremost and that maybe he doesn't feel the same responsibility toward the children that a woman would since she actually birthed them.


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## ThatName (Nov 9, 2011)

Maybe they are upset over the fact of who is the father, and do not want to be reminded of this fact on a daily basis.


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## Nicole Hobbs (May 31, 2012)

La Li Lu Le Lo said:


> You're only making a half-truth. The same biology that encourages _some_ men to be promiscuous encourages them to take care of children when their partner has a baby.
> 
> Also before we start talking about how quick some men are to leave their children, let's not forget the 50 million abortions that have taken place in the US since _Roe v. Wade_.


And that's their right, I have no problem with them doing that, because that would just lead to more people with more problems on an already stressed system. Also, there would be more counts of people abusing their children if they were forced to have them when they didn't want them, or because of poverty, etc.

Both men and women do leave their children. The OP was just speaking from her perception, that it seems like men leave their offspring more than women, so I was responding in kind.

On another note, at least the women "leave" their children by abortion, and not after the child has actually left the womb and grown up, and has a concept of being unwanted by either their mom, or dad, or both. That does horrible things to a child's self esteem. It's better it happens before they truly exist, if it happens at all.


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## Dark NiTe (Mar 5, 2012)

They were probably left/neglected/insufficiently cared for as a child. When I was taking Personality at school a couple years ago I had an Ni realization that the reason why there are so many deadbeat dads, and it is notoriously cyclical, was because you need to identify with specifically the same gender parent, at a young age, in order for your superego (moral principle) to form in a normal capacity. I believe it is essentially the same reason why psychopaths are said to have little to no affection from their parents as a cause of the disorder. 

One thing I have come to realize in observing people over the years, is that human behavior is largely cyclical, in good ways and in bad. The "chain" of abuse is absolutely real, and "you end up where you start" is a very significant truth as well.


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