# "friend" with narcissistic personality disorder



## SweetPickles (Mar 19, 2012)

I have been friends (on and off) with this woman for 17 years. She is very charming funny but her negative attributes outweigh her positive. In the beginning she leeched on to me and she would act as my personal psychologist and made me think that she cared. Every relationship I would get in she would mettle with it and say things that would mess with my head. She could be very persuasive. I always had this uneasy mistrust in her but I couldn't put it into words, she can be very smooth and subtle. She has done horrible things such as, pathological lying, serial cheater, flirted and hooked up with her other friends boyfriends. Spread malicious lies trying to ruin people's reputation. 

She can't stand it when I compliment other people, takes it as a personal insult...when it has NOTHING to do with her.she is very self-entitled and believes she deserves the best of the best. She gets pleasure when she sees her friends fail. She has often said very cruel things to me, and still I would just take. Don't get me wrong, we got into arguments but she would always turn it around on me or make me feel like I was crazy.

I am so angry at myself for continuing this relationship, in ways it was out of fear because she has that power to persuade others against you. As she has become older, it's gotten worse and more people are realizing it. 

I'm interested in psychology and was reading about Narcissistic Personality Disorder and it could have been her biography. Oh and another thing, I've never seen her cry...ever which is strange to me.

Anyone ever have run-ins with people like these? I wish I never met her. I also wish, that I didn't put out that signal that draws these people to me. I have brought in some interesting personalities in my life.


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## Tove (Dec 25, 2011)

I was best friends for six years with a diagnosed narcissist. She was very charming, enchanting and socially skilled. She kept me wrapped tightly around her finger for all that time, but the entire relationship was very hurtful and destructive. We haven't been in terms for almost two years, and I'm still trying to recover. She messed me up in all possible ways.

My suggestion is to leave and never look back, although in many cases it's a hard thing to do. A close relationship of any kind with a narcissist is not going to work. They're smart, dark, and slowly drown your feelings. You _will_ get hurt.


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## SweetPickles (Mar 19, 2012)

I've cut her out, she just doesn't know. I refuse to answer her texts and calls (she lives far away thank goodness). It's the only way to do it because getting in an argument or confronting them about why you are mad at them doesn't work out. I'm sorry you went through with that with your "friend". I know why my friend acts the way she does (her mother is just the same except 100x), she doesn't understand why she drives people away...it's this weird denial. She's said too many horrible things to me, one in particular about my family I can't forgive.


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## Promethea (Aug 24, 2009)

MelanieM said:


> I've cut her out, she just doesn't know. I refuse to answer her texts and calls (she lives far away thank goodness). It's the only way to do it because getting in an argument or confronting them about why you are mad at them doesn't work out. I'm sorry you went through with that with your "friend". I know why my friend acts the way she does (her mother is just the same except 100x), she doesn't understand why she drives people away...it's this weird denial. She's said too many horrible things to me, one in particular about my family I can't forgive.


Good, just don't make the mistake of letting her rope you back in again. It might be hard for a while to not think about it, and even half-heartedly consider it once she starts up, but its like pressing a reset button and having her do it all to you again. They won't change. They will only change you -- for the worse.


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## SweetPickles (Mar 19, 2012)

Promethea said:


> Good, just don't make the mistake of letting her rope you back in again. It might be hard for a while to not think about it, and even half-heartedly consider it once she starts up, but its like pressing a reset button and having her do it all to you again. They won't change. They will only change you -- for the worse.


Thanks, you would think I would know this since I've been roped in so many times. She knows I have a kind heart and feel bad for people in pain so she uses this. I'm done, way too old for this shit. I just like to hear similar stories for some reason. I even googled a narcisstic website forum...what a creepy scary place. The way they think is insane, but the ones that are aware and are sick of losing relationships are quite tragic. The thing is, most don't seek help for the real problem and when they do they find out that there is no "real" treatment. It's not like she can take an empathy pill.


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## Tove (Dec 25, 2011)

Exactly what @_Promethea_ said.

I did the same thing with my friend, cut her off because confronting her was simply too difficult. It was too terrifying to even think about facing that wrath, especially with all the control she had over me. Still has. She tried to get me back many times through various different attempts, but in the end we finally parted ways. It tired her out.

Your friend living far away is a very good thing, it lessens the chances of "relapsing", so to say, as long as you stay strong. Lessens anxiety, too. (I live in a small town, and still can't properly go shopping alone, in fear of running into her. With friends coming along it's easier, but I'm still always on the lookout for her.)

People with NPD rarely seek help, yeah. Someone said it's possible to get "cured", or at least finding a way of maintaining the disorder, but it's always difficult with personality issues. Especially narcissism, which pretty much rules your entire character.

Hopefully you won't meet anyone like your friend ever again. Best of luck.


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## Promethea (Aug 24, 2009)

@MelanieM

I did have a similar exp, dating a narcissist. I got caught up in the trap/game of trying to please him, hoping for even a scrap of what I was giving him. Constant doting, attention, affection on my part -- he was just a cold fish who wanted me there when he wanted me -- like a servant or lapdog, when his other friends were more interesting to him, more entertaining. Made me feel like he was doing me a favor even being with me, tore me up inside breaking promises and withholding affection. He would make very important promises that were foundations of the relationship, then go back on them and tell me the only reason he agreed to it was to placate me, and it meant nothing to him otherwise.

If I dared to slip up and not be perfect once (express a negative emotion or question him), it was just extended agony I had to suffer, having him hate me for it, sometimes for days at a time feeling like he was going to break up with me again. He would disappear all night, day, evening, not answering my calls, putting me on edge. I had extended panic attacks that lasted for hours. 

It was so unbalanced and unfair. He blamed every emotional need I had on my "anxiety" -- even my need to hear something loving or affirming once in a while. He called me a psychotic bitch for my needs. I'd never felt so invalidated emotionally. His solution to "my anxiety issue" was to have me just have faith in the "fact" that hes always right, pretty much, and that any fear or doubt I have in him is unwarranted and insane. It was an ultimatum of sorts. I wasn't allowed to question him. If I did, then he would break up with me -- which he did about six times. One time he did it, he threw me away at an airport.. just cast me out like a piece of garbage, after he'd been masturbating to porn that day. 

He told me he loved his ex more than me, when I was with him.

And all of the pain he caused me, all the awful things.. he said they were all my fault because I have anxiety. I caused it all.


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## SweetPickles (Mar 19, 2012)

Tove said:


> Exactly what @_Promethea_ said.
> 
> I did the same thing with my friend, cut her off because confronting her was simply too difficult. It was too terrifying to even think about facing that wrath, especially with all the control she had over me. Still has. She tried to get me back many times through various different attempts, but in the end we finally parted ways. It tired her out.
> 
> ...


Well, we have a large group of friends who started comparing notes and things didn't add up. I have a feeling that the woman you are talking about will stop being so popular after a while. Especially if you live in a small town. Narcissists are big on attempting to ruin reputations. They are extremely vengeful...but sometimes their ego is so large that they are completely fooled when someone does it to them. They usually leave a rather large trail of people who despise them. People usually don't leave, bc they are scared of their wrath...but you are right they eventually get bored and move to a different target.


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## SweetPickles (Mar 19, 2012)

Promethea said:


> @_MelanieM_
> 
> I did have a similar exp, dating a narcissist. I got caught up in the trap/game of trying to please him, hoping for even a scrap of what I was giving him. Constant doting, attention, affection on my part -- he was just a cold fish who wanted me there when he wanted me. Made me feel like he was doing me a favor even being with me, tore me up inside breaking promises and withholding affection. If I dared to slip up and not be perfect once, it was just extended agony I had to suffer, having him hate me for it. It was so unbalanced and unfair. He blamed every emotional need I had on my "anxiety" -- even my need to hear something loving or affirming once in a while. He called me a psychotic bitch for my needs. I'd never felt so invalidated emotionally. His solution to "my anxiety issue" was to just have faith in the "fact" that hes always right, pretty much, and that any fear or doubt I have in him is unwarranted and insane.


I'm so sorry, I would imagine it would be even harder with someone you were in love with. 

Or someone you were related to, the woman I'm talking about has two precious children. Last I heard from her she was getting mad at the eldest (who is 3) because he's starting to warm to daddy. It's common for narcissistic mothers to alienate, emotionaly abuse their children when they start forming personalities that differ from their own "superior" one. Her husband better have a hidden bank account that's all I'm saying.


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## paper lilies (Dec 6, 2011)

Promethea said:


> Good, just don't make the mistake of letting her rope you back in again. It might be hard for a while to not think about it, and even half-heartedly consider it once she starts up, but its like pressing a reset button and having her do it all to you again. They won't change. They will only change you -- for the worse.


I'm not sure what advice I could give after Promethea's, she nailed it in four sentences.
These people can put you through the depths of hell and back, honestly.
One of my exes has a diagnosed personality disorder and while this particular personality disorder didn't involve "lacking empathy" as a narcissist does, it still had it's extreme challenges. I would get up the strength to leave and they would tell me that I was hurting them, everyone was out to get them and I was another person that left them "just like everyone else" and I'd believe them, feel bad, and stay. The relationship involved breaking up with me one day only to plead eternal love and faithfulness to me the next whilst begging me to take them back. It was insane. People would tell me what a bad person this individual was and I would defend them-- even on PerC when I was in the depths of this situation months ago. They had roped me in and sucked me in so tightly I couldn't see anything else. I would believe and believe and believe that they would change or magically become a loving, good person and it didn't happen. I completely agree with Promethea, they won't change and the best thing to do is to let them go and try not to look back (which can be difficult, I know). Just know that you are not alone. Good luck.


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## SweetPickles (Mar 19, 2012)

@Promethea

That guy sounded like piece of trash. NPDers just see people as objects, it's like a game for them. An exboyfriend of mine would play with my head, it's funny...my "friend" caught on to him immediately. When I broke things off with that guy, I was bewildered and went to her to for advice. I couldn't understand how he could be so charming one day then a complete bastard the next. Her response confused me even more, she stated "You know how sometimes you just like to play with people? That's what he was doing to you"...no I don't know what it's like to play with people's emotions for entertainment thank you very much. She also stated in this sorrowful tone "You are one of those people who if their husband dies, you'd get really upset...like really". I was like wtf wouldn't everyone??? She gave me too much knowlege of her thinking process to look at her the same. It's nice talking with others to hear their stories, because these freak shows make us feel like the crazy ones.


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## Larzcode (May 16, 2012)

Hello MelanieM. The best way to piss off a narc the most is just to simply move on and be happy. Narcissists feel happiest when they know they're causing you pain, and that they hope that you cannot be happy again with anyone else. The fact that you've forgotten about them is the biggest blow you can give.

If you suspect someone to be a narc, leave them. Don't fall for their charm and fake empathy, and the best way to calculate that is just how dedicated they are to do things on their own will to please you, such as the surprise present or the unexpected date. Likely narcs cannot be cured, and even if they can, the treatment won't be something over a few weeks. 

But that is not to say hate on the narcissist. They are humans too. Even if they don't show their emotions to you, they are likely to be individuals who have gone through a lot to get to that stage. The reason that they are so defensive and selfish is that they have great insecurity, like borderline personality, except they hide it in a way that they have delusional self-images. If you really must avoid a person, it would be those with antisocial personality disorder (psychopathy).


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## Christie42476 (May 25, 2012)

I'm fairly certain my spouse has NPD (though I can't be totally certain unless he gets a diagnosis from a psychiatrist/psychologist), but reading about the symptoms and behaviors of someone suffering from it was like reading about my marriage.

It has been the most excruciating experience of my life, and though I'm trying to extricate myself from it, it isn't easy. In my case, we've been together for 15 years, we're married with children, and -- before I understood the true nature of what likely ails him and how pretty much hopeless it is that he'll ever truly recover -- he seized complete control of our finances. I didn't even know he was doing it until it was done. I didn't realize how truly emotionally abusive his behavior was until I finally recognized how damaged I was from it all. He fits the pattern of a stealth cerebral narcissist, and it was so gradual and so subtle, that I was seriously damaged before I even recognized what was happening. The "boiling frog" analogy is used to describe it: you throw a frog into a pot of boiling water, and it'll immediately jump out to save itself, but if you put a frog in a pot of water at a comfortable temperature and then slowly turn up the heat, it'll die. It won't realize it's in trouble until it's too late to save itself.

He was good at keeping up the facade for the first few years of our relationship, so when the cracks began to appear, I naturally thought those behaviors were "out of character" and indicative of some kind of more treatable problem. I believed in marriage and loved who I thought he was, so I stayed supportive and loyal and tried to get him help. Eventually I came to understand -- and finally accept -- that it was the first couple of years of our relationship that were out of character and the "cracks" were the real him coming through. Looking back, I can kind of see some red flags even from those early days that I simply missed, having no real context at the time for what dangers they represented.

I feel like I've spent the last dozen years just trying not to be erased. It's painful and exhausting and demoralizing in ways people who haven't experienced it just can't understand. My sincerest sympathies to you and anyone else who's experienced it.


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## lollipup (May 28, 2012)

How can we identify & avoid NPDs? I didn't realize it until it was too late, but someone I became best friends with had a NPD, just ate me up, and spit me out. Thank you to all the others who posted - I don't feel so crazy for feeling completely demolished by this ex-friend. Thankfully, I got out of it, but it has hurt me so much, I feel afraid to trust anyone to be actually interested in being my friend.


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## SweetPickles (Mar 19, 2012)

Christie42476 said:


> I'm fairly certain my spouse has NPD (though I can't be totally certain unless he gets a diagnosis from a psychiatrist/psychologist), but reading about the symptoms and behaviors of someone suffering from it was like reading about my marriage.
> 
> It has been the most excruciating experience of my life, and though I'm trying to extricate myself from it, it isn't easy. In my case, we've been together for 15 years, we're married with children, and -- before I understood the true nature of what likely ails him and how pretty much hopeless it is that he'll ever truly recover -- he seized complete control of our finances. I didn't even know he was doing it until it was done. I didn't realize how truly emotionally abusive his behavior was until I finally recognized how damaged I was from it all. He fits the pattern of a stealth cerebral narcissist, and it was so gradual and so subtle, that I was seriously damaged before I even recognized what was happening. The "boiling frog" analogy is used to describe it: you throw a frog into a pot of boiling water, and it'll immediately jump out to save itself, but if you put a frog in a pot of water at a comfortable temperature and then slowly turn up the heat, it'll die. It won't realize it's in trouble until it's too late to save itself.
> 
> ...


Oh Christie, I'm so sorry. Not sure how strong you are feeling right now but have you gone to a counselor yet? Just you? I know he's controlling your finances but do you have a family member that would help? A counselor or psychologist will build you up and make you feel empowered in your situation. They are very aware of people with NPD or even NPD traits. You can't ever change your husband, but you can change yourself. The fact you have children make this very difficult. Find a good counselor, and keep this secret from your husband. If its a good counselor, you may have to shop for one, they will help you control your life and build you up. Don't be hard on yourself (victims of NPD's often do this), NPD's often prey on kind giving people. I usually don't like to tell people what they should do...but your situation is particularly tough. There are also sites I've seen that show the best ways to stay married to an NPDer, how to diffuse their behavior. Whatever route you choose, go get some support. Remember, NPD's Achilles heel is their over-inflated ego and they can easily be manipulated because they never see it coming. I'll stop now, hoping the best for you and your family. 

Oh my last 2 cents, don't ever feel sorry for him. If he truly has NPD that is...


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## SweetPickles (Mar 19, 2012)

lollipup said:


> How can we identify & avoid NPDs? I didn't realize it until it was too late, but someone I became best friends with had a NPD, just ate me up, and spit me out. Thank you to all the others who posted - I don't feel so crazy for feeling completely demolished by this ex-friend. Thankfully, I got out of it, but it has hurt me so much, I feel afraid to trust anyone to be actually interested in being my friend.


I would say trust your gut paramount. Enquire into their past, look for stories that don't add up. Do you catch them in many "white lies". There is really no true method in doing this, they can be great actors/actresses. I think their romantic relations tell a lot! The smarter they are, the harder it may be to find out until its too late. Run, don't walk when you know. They don't have the capacity to care for anyone but themselves. Their emotions and empathy capability is very shallow. 

There are people who can spot these people immediately, they tend to be stronger personalities with a strong sense of self and what they will/will not put up with. It's not a certain personality type, it's a trait we should all have... a strong sense of boundaries.


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## Christie42476 (May 25, 2012)

MelanieM said:


> Oh Christie, I'm so sorry. Not sure how strong you are feeling right now but have you gone to a counselor yet? Just you? I know he's controlling your finances but do you have a family member that would help? A counselor or psychologist will build you up and make you feel empowered in your situation. They are very aware of people with NPD or even NPD traits. You can't ever change your husband, but you can change yourself. The fact you have children make this very difficult. Find a good counselor, and keep this secret from your husband. If its a good counselor, you may have to shop for one, they will help you control your life and build you up. Don't be hard on yourself (victims of NPD's often do this), NPD's often prey on kind giving people. I usually don't like to tell people what they should do...but your situation is particularly tough. There are also sites I've seen that show the best ways to stay married to an NPDer, how to diffuse their behavior. Whatever route you choose, go get some support. Remember, NPD's Achilles heel is their over-inflated ego and they can easily be manipulated because they never see it coming. I'll stop now, hoping the best for you and your family.
> 
> Oh my last 2 cents, don't ever feel sorry for him. If he truly has NPD that is...


Thank you for taking the time to respond, Melanie. I'm already in the process of seeking counseling because I recognize that I need it. I've spent the last couple of years rebuilding myself despite having to continue living with him, so I'm much healthier and happier than I was then, but I'm now faced with those things I know I need help with, so that's my next step. 

Interestingly enough, part of what brought me to this site was the massive amount of research I started doing online about personality types and disorders and whatnot, in an effort to gain more information and knowledge and empower myself. My greatest gift has always been my ability to see things from another person's perspective, but he's the one "type" (and I don't mean MBTI type, but "disorder" type) that I just cannot connect with that way. I really cannot wrap my head around treating others the way he does. I can understand it from an intellectual standpoint, especially knowing what I do about his childhood, but I can't understand it emotionally, if that makes any sense.

I have some incredibly strong friendships, and in some ways he helped there, without meaning to. Many years ago, he went on a campaign to destroy my reputation with as many of our friends as he could, and it hurt more than I can say, but the positive that came out of it is that I learned who I really could trust and count on, and those friendships that survived that period flourished even more for having been tested in such a way. And my relationship with 3 of my 4 children is incredibly strong, while with the 4th child (my 3rd-born) is getting stronger by the day. So that helps me tremendously, too. The way he went after my relationship with our children was probably what hurt me the most, so my being in a place now where I'm so close with them is definitely a healing thing for me. I've tried to make him see that he's alienating his children from himself, but he simply will not listen. Any attempt at discussing anything hurtful that he does degenerates into a glorified, "I know you are but what am I?" response from him. It was only when I accepted that I was never going to reach him and emotionally cut off from him, focusing all of my attention on being the best mother, friend, and sister that I could be that I started to recover. But now I'm stuck in this limbo where he agrees we should divorce and says he's going to leave, but never does, saying, "I hate being married and the responsibility that comes with it and want it to be over BUT I can't deal with the idea of you ever being with anyone else."

Scared the bejeesus out of me when he said that, which I was careful to hide. We agreed to split in fall of 2010, but he's still here. And because I'm financially devastated, I have limited means to force the issue. Luckily, he's never been violent towards me or the kids. It's not like that at all. 

I recently cashed out my pension from the years when I was the breadwinner, so I'm using it to take care of the things around the house that have been neglected all these years, to put myself in therapy, and to begin the process of escaping the situation with as little open conflict as I can manage, for the kids' sake. It may take some time, but I'm optimistic that I'll get there. He's not a monster, just extremely damaged and unable to face it for any length of time. Whenever it looks like maybe he kind of sees it, he falls into a deep depression for days or even weeks, and then when he emerges, he's either trying to "idealize" me and start the cycle over, or he's hostile and convinced that all of his troubles are my fault. He seems frustrated these days because I just don't take any of the bait anymore.


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## Moonshake (Oct 23, 2013)

I consider myself a recovering narcissist (it runs in my father's side of the family, and gets passed down through narcissistic parenting). MY ESTJ father is extremely narcissistic; my ESFJ mother exhibits some narcissistic traits as well. I used to take things way too personally, and loved watching other people fail. It made me feel better about myself. 3 years ago, I met my current fiancée, a classic INTP type 4 - he slowly but gradually made me realize that the way I was acting was not only hurting others, but myself as well. Thanks to him, I've gotten over my narcissism and have apologized to all the people that I've been tiresome to, and regained and bettered my friendships. Today, I am happy for all of my friends and their achievements, and I can actually feel the newly found love and care from my peers, who used to shut me out because of my self-absorbed and self-victimizing personality. I even received an e-mail from a girl I fell out with in high school (who I apologized to as well), telling me that no one has ever apologized like that to her, that she forgives me, and that she wants to have coffee with me and catch up.

Though I'm still recovering, acknowledging my narcissistic tendencies has made me notice it in other people more. I see my old self in certain people. A friend from high school that I still keep in contact with (I'm suspecting) has mild NPD. I don't think there's much you can do from the outside. I think that with narcissists, what counts is what the most important people in their lives (the ones the narcissist cannot do without) say about him/her. Narcissists have trust issues. When criticized, they cannot possibly accept the possible fact that they are in the wrong, and so they tell themselves that the criticism is stemming from the other person's jealousy or lack of self-esteem. There is no such thing as constructive criticism, unless the criticizer can fully be trusted as an 'ally'.

What the narcissist needs is someone who loves them and cares for them enough to let them know that they are ruining things for others, as well as themselves. They need someone to sit them down and tell them that they don't need to prove anything to anyone, not even themselves. My friend with mild NPD does not trust or love me enough, and so I don't feel that I'm the right person to break it to them. This sort of mentality can really damage you and your life; because your entire life becomes about seeking approval from others. Narcissism is not confidence. It's a façade, and it stunts emotional and psychological development.


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