# Me? Selfish? Probably.



## chickydoda (Feb 12, 2010)

Hey

I recently had a bust up with a friend because of my own stupidity. One of the last things she said to me, was that I was the most selfish person she's ever met. She also accused me of being lazy, and being a hard person to be friends with, but neither of those last two things really bother me, because I have health problems and can't necessarily handle the same workload/stress as the average person, and she hasn't even met 75% of my friends, or seen me in my comfort zone. Its not like I have that much in common with the people shes seen me hanging out with. My other friends tend to have a better understanding of me, than that particular group.

Anyway, this selfish thing is really bothering me. We had our fight on New Years Eve, and I've been miserable and out of sync since.

If I really am selfish, what can I do to fix things? I don't think I want to be friends with this girl again, but if other people see me in the same way, its something I should work on.


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## Ace Face (Nov 13, 2011)

Did she imply what particular actions made you "selfish" in her eyes?


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## chickydoda (Feb 12, 2010)

No, she just said I was the most selfish person she'd ever met.


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## Metanoia (Nov 21, 2011)

She could've easily just been 'lashing out' -- alternatively, do you think maybe she just meant self-centered? I recognize the distinction between "selfish" and "self-centered" is very fine, but to me there is one. I'd guess (don't ask me why) she just meant... you think about yourself, and your own little world, than maybe you do others'? If you take this scenario as a possible interpretation of her accusation, can you self-analyze and determine if you do this, or if you do it relative to her perspective?


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## chickydoda (Feb 12, 2010)

I've been treated really badly, and taken advantage of others alot in the past. I used to be really generous and caring about other people when I was young, but something changed. For a long time, I was the definition of a ''door mat''.

I feel like relationships should be give and take. I feel like alot of mine have been give, give, give. Often, I've had friends that have been working, and I haven't, and I've paid for meals and drinks, and they have never returned the favour. I have cooked multiple birthday cakes, driven across the city to meet a friend, picked up things people wanted when we met up etc... I used to live out in the country, and a specific group of friends refused to visit me, even though I went on a 40 minute round trip everyday to see them.

If I'm selfish, I think its because I don't trust others to meet my needs. They don't care about my wants, my feelings etc. If I go out with friends, its always what they want to do. I wish I had the kinds of relationships where I could give selflessly, and worry about getting anything back, because my friend does the same in return.

And yes, I have done some research on selfishness, I took a quiz, and met every single characteristic. I think some of them were ENFP related, but others were personal flaws.

I think the pages were extremely unfair, and judgmental, because I haven't had it easy. I'm extremely bitter over this.


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## Metanoia (Nov 21, 2011)

It could be as simple as she couldn't influence you as she'd wanted, and perhaps she and your other friends have noticed you taking more distance to protect yourself from people who take more than they give, and they see you as withdrawing and thinking about yourself over the group. This group vs. individual mentality can often lead to accusations of selfishness... Like... you won't go out with us, like we ALL want to, you're the one person who's resisting the group will, why can't you just go along with others, you're doing what you want and that, in some people's mind, makes you selfish. 

From your description here, I don't think you have anything to worry about. I'm sure she was just lashing out. It sounds a bit like maybe she resents (and subconsciously admires?) that you are doing things for yourself now, and not just to please the group.


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## chickydoda (Feb 12, 2010)

@elemental I do have trouble with the group thing. In that particular group, the same one or two people make all of the decisions. I feel more comfortable in an environment where everyone takes turns deciding what we do. I've tried setting up events, and no one ever wants to come. It sucks.


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## Super Awesome (Jul 11, 2011)

Once people start whining about how they "haven't had it easy," I toss them in the selfish pot. No one has it all that easy. Each life comes with its challenges, and how we choose to overcome and deal with them shapes who we are. 

She's probably right. You probably are selfish. There are glimpses of it in your posts in this thread. But you can fix that. Take a long hard look at yourself. Be honest about what you see, about who you are. Stop limiting yourself by shutting up about how hard life has been, whining about your health problems, and instead focus on what you can do to make life better today. Be a more generous friend. Be kind to others. Learn how to say, "No," in a nice but firm way. Stick to it when you say it. 

Find some new friends - people who know how to give AND take.

And good luck. I mean that sincerely because, from reading your other posts around here, you seem like a pretty cool person.


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## chickydoda (Feb 12, 2010)

Super Awesome said:


> Once people start whining about how they "haven't had it easy," I toss them in the selfish pot. No one has it all that easy. Each life comes with its challenges, and how we choose to overcome and deal with them shapes who we are.
> 
> She's probably right. You probably are selfish. There are glimpses of it in your posts in this thread. But you can fix that. Take a long hard look at yourself. Be honest about what you see, about who you are. Stop limiting yourself by shutting up about how hard life has been, whining about your health problems, and instead focus on what you can do to make life better today. Be a more generous friend. Be kind to others. Learn how to say, "No," in a nice but firm way. Stick to it when you say it.
> 
> ...


 Haven't had it easy? Yeah that was worded badly. I guess everyone has it tough in some areas. Mine would probably be relationships, as made evident in this post and others. And there wasn't really any debate as to whether I am selfish or not. I didn't think I was, until I did some research. Its weird, some of the traits I thought were selfish in other people, weren't even mentioned.

I only mention the health problems because I am tired alot of the time, I behave in a way that doesn't make sense to other people (if you've been following my recent posts, you'll see that my dad thinks I may have a mild form of Aspergers), I suffer alot of anxiety, and my friend has the nerve to judge me, when she barely sees me in my day to day life. I'm not lazy, I'm constantly working towards something. We just have different priorities, and views of what it important and worthwhile. I just wish her, and people like her, would have a bit more empathy.

I already know what alot of my flaws are, but everyone has blind spots. I have trouble finding people that are honest with me, and when they are, they are way too harsh. I can only handle a certain amount of criticism at a time. The fact that I have been upset for close to a week over this is testimony to that. If criticism is given, I want it in love, not in anger or hate.

And thanks. I haven't really seen you around before, we most not be posting in the same threads.


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## Metanoia (Nov 21, 2011)

chickydoda said:


> and my friend has the nerve to judge me, when she barely sees me in my day to day life.


This is human nature, and life. We all must learn to handle this. The trick is to develop a _semi-permeable membrane_ (reference elementary school Biology class notes now) to others' perceptions and opinions of you. Take each one in to your first level, examine it HONESTLY and objectively (the hardest part), and accept and/or incorporate the parts that hold truth or can help you to grow, and reject and banish the rest as garage to the void outside your own individual sphere of existence.


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## WolfStar (Aug 18, 2009)

If you feel you are selfish then try to train yourself to catch your thoughts whenever you start focusing on yourself. Then make the judgement on whether it's an excessive amount or not.


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## chickydoda (Feb 12, 2010)

Just so you guys know, I blocked and deleted this girl off facebook, then... I thought I was never going to see or hear from her again, but I kept her contact details on my cellphone just in case.

I was feeling down in the dumps for weeks afterwards (I cried for the first week of January, I was SO bummed out about it), then just as I thought I was about to lose a group of my friends, one of them invited me to her 21st.

I told my friend I couldn't go, because I had ruined the friendship with this girl, and gotten really upset with another friends friend who could have been invited (I'm not really sure who hangs out with who now, because they all live in the same city), and my friend assured me this girl wouldn't be there.

Anyway, fast forward a month, and I was sitting at my friends house (not the one with the party), waiting for her to get ready for the party, and talking to my friends little brother, and guess who walks through the door? The facebook girl!!!

She smiled and said hello in a really friendly voice. I looked up, was just like fuck! and then said HI in a really hostile way, and tried to ignore her.

I think it was awkward for everyone. She struck up a conversation to me, and we had a very strained conversation for about ten minutes, then she was like ''hey, umm, can you unblock me on facebook? I'm sick of seeing half conversations/facebook status updates between you and everyone else I know...''- it took everything not to say something snarky back to that, or say something like ''careful, I might say something that will annoy you..."

Anyway, we kept talking, and we came to a point where she apologised for some of the things she said.. I didn't really say anything, but I kind of accepted it. I am not/was not sorry for what I said about her, because it was never my intention to hurt her- I was expressing the hurt at what she said to me. In the intial messages between us, I told her I was sorry for writing anything in a public place, where our friends could come across it, and I am. It was a stupid and insensitive thing to do. I am really glad however, that I did not respond to her insults. I could have said lots of nasty things to her, and meant them, but it wasn't neccessary.

She complimented me on my photography and said lots of nice things, and things ended up being ok. It was actually the first time I had seen her face to face for about four years!

I have a new facebook account now, and I am not a member of the ENFP group anymore. I didn't always like my interactions there, and I didn't like it how everyone was dissing this girl they hadn't actually met, even if it was for the sake of standing up for me/standing by my side- it ended up just causing me more trouble.

Also, we are facebook friends again, but I have many lists on facebook, because I play the Sims Social on there, and one of the lists is ''My Newsfeed'' which is of people I actually know, regulary view content of, and comment on- I have not put that girl on that list, so I never see what she posts. If I don't post on her content, she can't get annoyed with me again, without looking slightly silly. She has *liked* a few of my status updates in the past few days though.

Anyway, I'm glad things worked out, because I hate being at odds with people. By the way I write, you'd think I love drama, but I don't- I wish I could be friends with everyone, I hate tension, stress etc. I find it hard to forgive people that aren't sorry for hurting others.

It seems that the things this girl said, were just in the heat of the moment.


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