# SP/SX and SX/SP Relationships



## o0india0o (Mar 17, 2015)

I have occasionally read that these two instinctual stackings can pair acceptably well in a relationship, but cannot find much information on the dynamics or examples. I am interested in hearing about any examples of SP/SX with SX/SP relationships you know of, information you might have, or any other personal observations or otherwise.

Are you personally in a relationship with this dynamic? How do you accommodate your SP (or SX;; depending on which you are in the relationship) partner's needs, while balancing your own? Are you satisfied with this relationship? Any advice?

Please and Thank You!


----------



## Quang (Sep 4, 2014)

I am guessing this is about your marriage, so:

What kind of expectations (roles, sociability, attachment, skills, practicality, etc) do you have towards your husband? What kind of expectations does he have of you in your relationship? According to "SEX, LOVE AND YOUR PERSONALITY", an enneagram book about relationships, identifying the couples' conscious and unconscious expectations towards each other is the most important factor in their compatibility, followed by psychological maturity, having similar instinctual subtypes, and connecting lines or same hornevian triad respectively.


----------



## Golden Rose (Jun 5, 2014)

I prefer sx/sx as I'm a very intense person, albeit it grows over time, especially when it comes to love.
Any match can work if there's a strong connection, lots in common and the will to learn from each other.


----------



## orihara (Nov 23, 2014)

well this isn't a RELATIONSHIP per se but friendship. i have two other ne dom friends (entp and enfp) who are sx/sp while i'm sp/sx and while we tend to be pretty balanced when it comes to the variant stack, it's pretty noticeable in the way we deal with things? like i'm very outspoken but vague; if i have a problem my first thought is 'i can solve this on my own' and by that i mean 'while i could ask others to tell me their thoughts ultimately this is mostly on me and they probably don't have the whole picture so like it's not too important' and the ne sx people are like... look at this problem i'm going to talk about it to you and figure out a solution as it goes because you might offer a different perspective i won't know of because of my position (i do think this too but i'm more of noticing how little these people know about the situation and rather than informing them i'm just like. ok you can talk and i'll answer but i don't care)

also a thing about information--to me information is like a big part of my life, and while i don't have problems sharing it because it's too personal or whatever (i don't understand the concept of being too personal tbh) but because i think 'why would i tell you this if you have nothing to offer back?' that's only for important stuff though but the fact that i'm naturally vague doesn't help the case. whereas the sxsp side of this friendship is like 'your reaction and opinions about the matter are enough reward' but it's really interesting because while i'm overall less inclined to share things just cause, when the sxsp people don't want to share it's way less likely they'll give in whereas i'm just like. offer something good and i'm sold, whatever it is (i guess that's my second sx vs their second sp)

there's like a joke we have that goes [about sp people] "TELL US WHY YOU'RE CLOSED. WHY ARE YOU CLOSED?" vs [abt sx people] "WHY ARE YOU OPEN TO THE PUBLIC?" to sum it up honestly

also like... long term thing is very different. for me it's all about being on top of things i guess? even though my upbringing should have made me have a lower standard due to being working class and having shitty conditions, my focus is on coming on top and ruining people while i'm at it (unfortunately not a joke) all of us are really individualistic but in the end i'm the one who's like solely concerned with myself and i don't care if others leave or not because i'm used to it, therefore it makes sense for me to be the top priority. sxsp friends, while selfish, both have life goals that involve people--they also have a thing for seeing people grow like befriending them when they're at their worst to see them get better through time and they don't use it for anything? like it's just some sort of satisfying sx feeling and that's about it. they don't ask the person who got better to help THEM get better, it's just a matter of watching them do their thing and grow as people and keeping them around for that reason and learning from those experiences. while i find that thought appealing i'm still sp/sx so this isn't my main focus but if it happens it happens. anyway, sx entp has like a lot of issues and the thing that drives her is meeting people. that's literally it. she's the kind of person who'd talk to people in weird circumstances because she believes you can learn from anyone, and always has stories involving that sort of thing. enfp sx is a 6 so he's not as open as entp sx (who's a 7) but they share a smilar behaviour about people and make plans (or more like, perceiver ideas tbh) around meeting more people basically. i love meeting new people but again, the focus is myself so the perceiver idea is GETTING OUT OF THE COUNTRY rather than WOW IM GOING TO MOVE OUT WITH A BUNCH OF PEOPLE I'M SO EXCITED (okay it's a bit of both but the first thought, like the one that comes naturally is the former)

a thing that we all agree on is that our first variant comes without questioning? it's not something conscious but it's what drives us like the kind of thing someone would ask "why" and you would have to really think about it before giving an answer, while the second variant is one we're hyperaware of and try to satisfy consciously (so like, you'd give an instant answer in this case but you didn't really think too much of it. it's scheduled, almost)

taking that, the 2nd sp for the other ne doms shows up as physical needs they go out of their way to fulfill; for entp is mostly sex and no it's not sx related, surprisingly, it's sp and she also kind of has issues with money sometimes like getting too into it but it's in very specific circumstances. enfp sxsp is more concerned about stuff like food and commodity, all of this from the perspective that while the thing about making connections with people comes naturally, this is something they pay TOO much attention to willingly to the point is kind of awkward. i, on the other hand, act weirdly about the people i do connect with. i place too much focus on keep learning from them constantly even if it's not actively i just like. get very intense and questioning sometimes and since it's also not as natural as sp people tend to notice something is off (not really but the ones with ne are like 'are you ok' almost instantly)

i forgot where i was going with this but. that. or something.


----------



## o0india0o (Mar 17, 2015)

Quang said:


> I am guessing this is about your marriage, so:
> 
> What kind of expectations (roles, sociability, attachment, skills, practicality, etc) do you have towards your husband? What kind of expectations does he have of you in your relationship? According to "SEX, LOVE AND YOUR PERSONALITY", an enneagram book about relationships, identifying the couples' conscious and unconscious expectations towards each other is the most important factor in their compatibility, followed by psychological maturity, having similar instinctual subtypes, and connecting lines or same hornevian triad respectively.


Shhh! You're blowing my cover @Quang ! :witless:
(there are too many new emoji's to choose from!)

Nah. I mean, it was inspired by my marriage, but not directly in relation to it. If I wanted direct advice about my marriage, I would have been more obvious/blunt about making that clear in the original post. 

Most of the threads I start are inspired by some relationship in my life, be it friend, lover, or other. That's where I see the most application in the Enneagram. I think it's interesting to know about myself, but I find that the Enneagram doesn't really help me self-improve much. As a tool, I've found the Enneagram most useful in relationships.

For example, I have an unhealthy Type 5 Uncle who would always interject and "correct" or share information. This really irked me, and would get under my skin. I felt like he was constantly telling me I "couldn't" do something (and as a Type 7, the dialogue was frequently "just watch me succeed!"); on the surface, that's _exactly_ what he was doing. But once I found the Enneagram and read about Type 5's, I understood that sharing information was just his way of being a part of the conversation/relationship. This helped me tolerate and accept his "information sharing" to a greater extent.

That's just one example of many. 
So, the original questions were inspired by my marriage, but not directly about it. I have a few SP/SX's in my life, and I'm sure this knowledge would be useful in those relationships too; plus, it slowly but surely expands my knowledge of the Enneagram! :joyous:

Anyways, Thanks for being the first to respond! I will have to find this book you keep talking about ("Sex, Love, and Your Personality"), sounds like an interesting one!

I know that both my husband and I not having a strong Social instinctual variant has served us well - - I have a guy friend who has a closer tritype to me than my husband (which does help us gel), but he is SO/SX, and I couldn't ever see that working out. His priorities are in places I have *no* interest in being (like being social all the time in groups - - even when his girlfriend is around, and not pouring all his energy into the relationship, and caring about social graces and appearances). 

So, I would say that my husband and I have a pretty similar vision for our lives. We both care about safety and comfort, as well as love and one-on-one relationships. However, I've been noticing more and more that how much excitement vs. safety/comfort I want is a bit different from him (which could also be coming from our Enneagram types as well - - Type 7 and Type 9). But, our vision for life is fairly close nonetheless.


----------



## o0india0o (Mar 17, 2015)

@orihara

Thanks for sharing! Just hearing your thought-process as an SP/SX was enlightening (and intriguing). I could see a lot of the SP/SX's I know in what you wrote.


----------



## o0india0o (Mar 17, 2015)

I would be interested in hearing more observations about SP/SX and SX/SP relationships (yours or others) if anyone has them! Also, concrete information or resources would be great as well! :joyous:


----------



## orihara (Nov 23, 2014)

o0india0o said:


> @orihara
> 
> Thanks for sharing! Just hearing your thought-process as an SP/SX was enlightening (and intriguing). I could see a lot of the SP/SX's I know in what you wrote.


no problemo. i've also noticed that for me as an spsx it's easier to pretend to be sx if i'm around people who are like... less open about stuff than i am? like, just generally throw around a lot of information and turn it into a convo topic in case the group i'm in is shy or whatever, so i can ask questions regarding the experiences i'm sharing and make them talk about themselves as well? which is why people mistake me as sxsp instead but like, it's easy to notice when i'm around SX people who are more open because i either automatically shift to asking more without sharing that much or if for example i'm with the ne sx side of the crew i just kind of assume they know what i'm talking about without elaborating too much (and they usually do)

whereas sxsp are almost open about everything all the time unless it's one of those second sp quirks but they're the kind of people who lead conversations often while i do it according to the context? not that i'm not noisy because that isn't true but since english isn't my first language i usually do the [chimes in with an annoying comment to interrupt others] thing rather than being constantly talking due to language issues and that i don't consider it necessary if there's others around who can do it better themselves.


----------



## Pelopra (May 21, 2013)

@_orihara_ some of your observations about this are very interesting/helpful to me (as an ENTP trying to figure out type) 

I'm sorry if this is a thread derail (and if so could we move it to PM or an appropriate thread?) but where do you feel you see your own sp needs, especially as primary? 

Also it's interesting you say that you all observe your first as coming naturally. Instincts theory is a giant ugly mess but a common theory is:
First is over developed and neurotic 
Second is just right, balanced, and comes naturally 
Third is under developed and neglected


----------



## orihara (Nov 23, 2014)

Pelopra said:


> @_orihara_ some of your observations about this are very interesting/helpful to me (as an ENTP trying to figure out type)
> 
> I'm sorry if this is a thread derail (and if so could we move it to PM or an appropriate thread?) but where do you feel you see your own sp needs, especially as primary?
> 
> ...


i'll pm you with the answer to that question later but not rn because i'm dying and not feeling very english and then you can pm back with your own thoughts/more questions to keep that alive. 

oh yeah i'm aware of the theory but most of the arguments as to how it goes can be used one way or the other like, the same reasons as to why the first is considered developed and neurotic vs second being balanced and natural can be used to flip that and get first natural and second neurotic (i'll try to get into that when i pm you. if i don't remind me i have a terrible memory but i will)

also it's based on perception and the fact that most of the info from other people you get on forums isn't exactly reliable since they usually don't grasp the concepts and it's mostly projection, so even though i read them for me it's just not as good if i don't know where they're coming from (which is why i tend to ask people themselves and compare data and that's how we all reached the conclusion of how they go, opposed to the well known theory)


----------



## Animal (May 29, 2012)

Always imagined myself falling for Sp/Sx.... in theory...

....but damn.. the most irresistible magnet is Sx/So ... thats reality 

I prefer to make statements about my "ideals" and "turn-ons" based on real experience rather than theory.. so there you have it.


----------



## o0india0o (Mar 17, 2015)

Animal said:


> Always imagined myself falling for Sp/Sx.... in theory...
> 
> ....but damn.. the most irresistible magnet is Sx/So ... thats reality
> 
> I prefer to make statements about my "ideals" and "turn-ons" based on real experience rather than theory.. so there you have it.


If you have any experiences with SP/SX's, I'd love to hear about that also!


----------



## SaysWho (Oct 16, 2014)

o0india0o said:


> I have occasionally read that these two instinctual stackings can pair acceptably well in a relationship, but cannot find much information on the dynamics or examples. I am interested in hearing about any examples of SP/SX with SX/SP relationships you know of, information you might have, or any other personal observations or otherwise.
> 
> Are you personally in a relationship with this dynamic? How do you accommodate your SP (or SX;; depending on which you are in the relationship) partner's needs, while balancing your own? Are you satisfied with this relationship? Any advice?
> 
> Please and Thank You!


I agree with @Quang that airing expectations in close relationships are way more important than understanding your instinctual stackings. I also think general dynamics between enneagram types are much easier to spot than in instinctual stacking interactions...but neither of those opinions answer any of your questions, so...

I'm sx/sp and I'm with someone who is sp/sx.

I think the flip-flopped instinctual stackings create a great dynamic between us. I'm definitely the more outspoken, energetic one and he's more serious and cautious, but when we're together I'm able to excite the crazy in him and when necessary he's able to subdue my need for an intense connection without me feeling slighted. 

Accommodating my SX...I'm known to push buttons. He doesn't mind it, until it gets overboard. That's when he pretty much tells me I need to relax and he just goes off and does his own thing for sometime. Example: I came up with a list of movies for us to watch and let him choose his top 3. We watched 2 of them and I analyzed the heck out of them (mainly because there were so many connections with my life/my friend's experiences). After a while of deep conversation he was like, this is fun, but I need to find something mindless to do and went off into video game land. I could have gone on and on for hours.

Accommodating his SP...I'd say I'm satisfied with the basic needs: rent gets paid on time, there's food on the table, gas in the car. He's more particular about the SP stuff, like he thinks a lot about making extra cash on the side...just because....or he's particular about what's cooked for dinner every week. I'm fine with making extra cash -- if we use it for something thrilling like traveling and I'm down to get creative with our meals -- if we're having guests over. 

So yeah, there's a manageable push-pull between these stackings that makes it fun and worthwhile, in my opinion. Plus sp/sx has a wild side that just needs some prodding...I think sx-firsts bring it out like it's routine business which makes sp/sx feel comfortable being...intense.


----------

