# I want more female friends.



## Miharu (Apr 1, 2015)

I recently talked to someone and the topic swayed towards friendships and it made me realise something. I don’t have enough female friends.

Now that I think of it, women seem to not want to befriend me. All my female friends with whom I have formed long lasting friendships (mostly because I have basically grown up with them) tell me that I have a poker face, look intimidating and they think that I look unapproachable at first. But once you actually talk to me, I’m not like that at all. I’m actually a pretty nice person if you don’t give me a reason not to be.

How do I get others to skip the negative bad impression and see me in a different way without totally changing who I am and making myself uncomfortable? How do I bypass the whole bitch face impression? It’s my face. I am not a smiley person, but I do not frown either. I think I look perfectly neutral most of the time.

I recently finished my master’s and I gained NO female friend in uni. It didn’t help that I was the youngest in my classes either (fellow classmates were in their late 30s-40s and I’m 22). Throughout my time there, I was approached and befriended by men. Granted, a disappointing majority of those were just to hit on me. But still, I got about 4 male (genuine) friends from uni. I have enough male friends I constantly talk to about video games or general things, etc. I just want more female friends to talk to about specific female things. I’ve become girlier (yay?) over the past 3 years and I have no one to be girly with lol. My close female friends are so far from me, they are in other countries to be specific.

I guess I’m asking for general tips. Could it be my body language? Do I have to paste a constant smile on? It’s more uncomfortable and weird to be smiling all the time lol. Should I swap out my red lipsticks for something nude and soft to look more approachable? Is there a trick I don’t know about? Lol. I know I can just approach other girls myself.. it’s not easy for me though. But while I work on that, how do I also make myself look the part or at least give the vibe that I’m not a scary fucking monster?


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## Electra (Oct 24, 2014)

I think you appear very kind and like good person. I have been bullied by girls and even some women as an adult but I have a couple of friends that are girls still. I don't know why they are being so mean to you. When females bully they tend to be very passive agressive.


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## Miharu (Apr 1, 2015)

Electra said:


> I think you appear very kind and like good person. I have been bullied by girls and even some women as an adult but I have a couple of friends that are girls still. I don't know why they are being so mean to you.


They are not mean per se, they just don’t seem to be interested in befriending or approaching me. It’s like most of the girls in my classes had no problem befriending each other and they always huddled together but I was left out. I did talk to them once or twice (about a group activity) but other than that, I don’t seem to get an invitation to be part of the group or whatever while I see them pretty much approaching other girls and adding them on to their little girl groups lol. I’m sorry you were bullied by other girls, that sounds worse than being ignored by them.


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## Electra (Oct 24, 2014)

Miharu said:


> They are not mean per se, they just don’t seem to be interested in befriending or approaching me. It’s like most of the girls in my classes had no problem befriending each other and they always huddled together but I was left out. I did talk to them once or twice (about a group activity) but other than that, I don’t seem to get an invitation to be part of the group or whatever while I see them pretty much approaching other girls and adding them on to their little girl groups lol. I’m sorry you were bullied by other girls, that sounds worse than being ignored by them.


Huh I had the exact same problem. They befriended me on facebook or insta but then some of them deleted me again after that too. I was like; whats wrong with me?! I have heard that people with adhd lack the self observation skill but now I see you have the same issue and you don't have it as fare as I know.


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## Deuce (Feb 16, 2021)

You don't send a vibe of being a scary monster nor in your post or in your photo ... I think if you have a natural poker face, maybe people tend to assume you'd rather do your own thing rather than join (but not necessarily that you're hostile) ? I think there's always an extra effort to do for the person who looks unapproachable in that they have to do the approaching themselves to compensate for their "not easy to decipher" vibe ... I have encountered the same problem a few times.

Maybe it would be easier to approach one of the girl out of the group ? It can be easier to bond that when there is a whole group thing going on, then the encounter can be rather similar to what you have with a guy. It's mainly about making the other person understand that you're interested in what they have to say regardless of the topic, by being attentive and curious. Eventually sharing similar experiences to what they're offering so that the general message becomes "we're into this thing we call life/university together".

As for subjects of conversation ... I think compared to boys there can be this assumption that we girls would be more willing to talk about our problems and about the difficulties we encounter as a sort of bonding activity. Or talking about our love life and relationships. Or sometimes asking reassurance about how desirable we are (psychologically or physically), sharing insecurities as a bonding exercise once again. Its by no mean obligatory or it really depends on the girls too. But maybe you've had the occasion to observe which subjects popped up the most into the group of girls you find interesting ?

About the make-up ... I don't think you should change your make-up routine if you don't want to. It's true people who are super super well dressed or with an elaborate make up can look a bit more intimidating, especially is the person is uncommonly beautiful and that people who accept to let other see them without make up can look more approachable ... But that's maybe just me being stupidly prejudiced here and there's probably plenty of people who wouldn't succumb to such a first impression


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## Summer70 (Feb 27, 2021)

Oh really? I don't get this unapproachable feeling from you when I read your posts. That's the internet advantage, I guess! Or maybe you're being self-depreciative?

Maybe we can turn the question backward. Are there female acquaintances that you want to be friends with? Did you actively approach them? How did it work?
The fastest way to make friends isn't to wait that people approach us, but to make the friendship happen. Inviting people, organizing events, ... 😄
You wrote you know that already though. If you didn't do that, does something block you from doing the first step?

As for the lipstick question, if your avatar is your real face, I'd say that yes, you can use a slightly softer lipstick (if you want to look more approachable -- and appreciate the change of style!). Dark red lipstick/highly contrasted lips tend to make faces look more severe, which is good for work, for example. If you want to soften your face, you can use a soft gloss or a soft lipstick. A slightly glossy, "lip care" lipstick type, with a light touch of pink/red/peach, that still blends well with your natural skin color. That's awkward to write that on a public forum, but if you we the perfect "nude" lipstick, it's often the color of our nipples... (awkward silence) then you can add a slight tint to make it more preppy and colorful!

This will make a harmonious, glowy face and reframe the eyes of people towards your eyes. If you tend to have a poker face, this will be more advantageous for you, as your eyes will appear bigger, and bigger-eyed people look more approachable. The face on your avatar is smooth, we feel a little blush, and the eyes look warm, so the rest of the makeup looks good for what you want to do.  (Aha, girly talk, sorry about that)


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## Electra (Oct 24, 2014)

I wonder if it could be related to such things as: economy, things and expriences in common, common values, intelligence levels, common goals or popularity and influence. Idk!


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## blossomier (Jul 24, 2020)

I have the same issue. Ever since I was a kid (I'm not sure if this has something to do with the way we're thinkers and a lot of women are feelers...?) I thought it was a lot easier to approach guys and befriend them. I'm 20, so we're close in age, and I also feel like female friendships are difficult for me. I thought about this very topic lately; I bond with men so easily but with women not really. I want to have a female best friend but I can't seem to consider anyone at that level of intimacy. To other people it seems so easy, apparently.

I like being friends with men, but having female friendships is so different. You know the feel.



Miharu said:


> I see them pretty much approaching other girls and adding them on to their little girl groups lol.


LOL I understand how you feel. Even when I'm part of a group of girls I feel like they're more close than I am with them. Maybe because I don't try to fit in as much as they do? I don't know if that might be your issue. One thing I hate about female friendships (maybe because of the following statement* this happened to me more times than it should) is that thing about "I dislike this person, so you should as well". Wtf? You dislike that person? Ok. No problem. But I won't dislike someone I don't even know because you do. Unless they actually did something that I'm not comfortable with, I won't "cancel" them or hate them for no reason.

*TMI, but I feel comfortable talking about it: after some therapy sessions I learned that I had an abusive friendship behavior. I'd befriend people that were abusive (unfortunately, only abusive girls) and I didn't know. Now that I'm aware of that it might be easier to find trustful friendships, but it's a pattern I need to break and I only learned about this recently (less than three months ago). I thought my friendships ended because I've always been blunt about how I felt and didn't get into that unnecessary girlie drama. I was the wrong one, and just after talking to a professional I understood my real issue.


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## blossomier (Jul 24, 2020)

Deuce said:


> maybe people tend to assume you'd rather do your own thing rather than join (but not necessarily that you're hostile) ?


I have the same issue, and they do not approach me at all, even when I try being friendly. When I was around 12-13 my school's doorman asked why I was pissed off. I wasn't. It was my natural face. Even today I try not to look angry (normal lol) but people seem to approach my friends more.



Summer70 said:


> As for the lipstick question, if your avatar is your real face, I'd say that yes, you can use a slightly softer lipstick (if you want to look more approachable -- and appreciate the change of style!).


I do understand that point of view and I know OP has asked for this specifically but if she feels comfortable wearing red lipstick, then she shouldn't change for other women. I mean, she can have her own style and still befriend gals, right?


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## 558663 (Aug 9, 2020)

I don't think it's so much your makeup/face since you look like a nice person. It may be the way you present yourself to other people. Not being too expressive does drive people away because they'll interpret it as wanting your own space. You don't need to smile all the time, just at the right times to let others know that you enjoy their company. Body language matters too as you want to be more open and relaxed. Basically you want to appear like an easygoing and happy person.

Here is a link that you may find helpful:








How to Be More Approachable


You can appear more approachable by changing your body language even though you live with social anxiety disorder.




www.verywellmind.com





Personally, I was in this situation a few years ago. I was unapproachable but when I started volunteering, I started smiling more, dressing myself up and joining more activities and groups that I initially felt uncomfortable with to gain more experience and self-confidence. I found that I had to approach people first and most of them were pretty receptive. In terms of conversations, I try to ask more about others' lives or talk about what we do in volunteering, sharing some information about myself if necessary. Over time I just learned how to create a welcoming and engaging atmosphere. It works for me so far!


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## Electra (Oct 24, 2014)

acrea said:


> I don't think it's so much your makeup/face since you look like a nice person. It may be the way you present yourself to other people. Not being too expressive does drive people away because they'll interpret it as wanting your own space. You don't need to smile all the time, just at the right times to let others know that you enjoy their company. Body language matters too as you want to be more open and relaxed. Basically you want to appear like an easygoing and happy person.
> 
> Here is a link that you may find helpful:
> 
> ...


Interesting. None if this has worked for me. It has been this way since I was a child and none of us was wearing make up. But I am very happy that it works for you  I have been the one asking questions, opening up for conversations despite being shy, try to smile...nothing works.


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## 558663 (Aug 9, 2020)

Electra said:


> Interesting. None if this has worked for me. It has been this way since I was a child and none of us was wearing make up. But I am very happy that it works for you  I have been the one asking questions, opening up for conversations despite being shy, try to smile...nothing works.


I'm sorry to hear that none of that worked for you! Does it not work regardless of the people you talk to? Sometimes people around us can be a little closed-off, I did mainly interact with a volunteer group for immigrants and refugees so we were really big on inclusivity.


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## Summer70 (Feb 27, 2021)

blossomier said:


> I do understand that point of view and I know OP has asked for this specifically but if she feels comfortable wearing red lipstick, then she shouldn't change for other women. I mean, she can have her own style and still befriend gals, right?


 I probably didn't express myself well, thank you for giving me the opportunity to clarify.

I wanted to say that she can - and that it would work in an aesthetical sense.
BUT I didn't mean that she should or shouldn't do it.
I believe, it's up to her to decide what's good for her, what she likes, dislikes, and so on.

"If you want to look more approachable -- *and appreciate the change of style!*" implies that if one doesn't appreciate that look, it might not work (nor be a good idea), as one wouldn't feel comfortable in it. When we're using make-up, I believe it's important that our face "feels ours".


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## blossomier (Jul 24, 2020)

Summer70 said:


> Where's that coming from? I said she can, and that it would work in an aesthetical sense, but I never said she should.
> (Nor "shouldn't," I believe it's up to her to decide what's good for her or not, what would make her happy or not..)
> 
> I think I even mentioned, "if you want to look more approachable -- *and appreciate the change of style!*" implying that if she doesn't appreciate that look, it might not work (nor be a good idea), as she wouldn't feel comfortable in it.


Got it. I just think if she's trying be more approachable she could do that, but I personally don't find it a good idea to change your style (makeup-wise, in this case) to befriend other women. She sure can try, it's up to her to see what works better and if she likes it. 

My bad. And I don't know if I sounded rude in any way, I didn't mean to be aggressive nor anything, and I'm sorry if I did.


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## Electra (Oct 24, 2014)

acrea said:


> I'm sorry to hear that none of that worked for you! Does it not work regardless of the people you talk to? Sometimes people around us can be a little closed-off, I did mainly interact with a volunteer group for immigrants and refugees so we were really big on inclusivity.


Thank you. No, for example my friends and close family are not like that, the few I have. This problems has been typical in school settings and gatherings of different kinds.


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## Summer70 (Feb 27, 2021)

blossomier said:


> Got it. I just think if she's trying be more approachable she could do that, but I personally don't find it a good idea to change your style (makeup-wise, in this case) to befriend other women. She sure can try, it's up to her to see what works better and if she likes it.
> 
> My bad. And I don't know if I sounded rude in any way, I didn't mean to be aggressive nor anything, and I'm sorry if I did.


Whoops. I edited my post when you quoted me haha. Well, it did sound a bit aggressive to me, but it's ok, thank you for apologizing.

I agree with you that if she forces herself to change her make-up only to blend in. That would be sad.

I don't think it's a bad idea to try (if she feels like it) though. I did the contrary step (using sharper make-up for work). At first, I just wanted to look a little more professional, and I discovered that I liked it after trying. Now I switch depending on my mood and situation, and it still feels my face and my style. 😊


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## Deuce (Feb 16, 2021)

blossomier said:


> I have the same issue, and they do not approach me at all, even when I try being friendly. When I was around 12-13 my school's doorman asked why I was pissed off. I wasn't. It was my natural face. Even today I try not to look angry (normal lol) but people seem to approach my friends more.


I have the same experience, I had a teacher in high school who nicknamed me "the prison door" and joked around on how I probably hated everyone inside ... Ah well. Cool thing is sometimes it's enough to create a good relation with one person for the general perception of you to shift slowly towards something more neutral. And people tend to develop a capacity to appear markedly more agreeable and relaxed as they age, I believe.


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## blossomier (Jul 24, 2020)

Summer70 said:


> Whoops. I edited my post when you quoted me haha. Well, it did sound a bit aggressive to me, but it's ok, thank you for apologizing.
> 
> I agree with you that if she forces herself to change her make-up only to blend in. That would be sad.
> 
> I don't think it's a bad idea to try (if she feels like it) though. I did the contrary step (using sharper make-up for work). At first, I just wanted to look a little more professional, and I discovered that I liked it after trying. Now I switch depending on my mood and situation, and it still feels my face and my style. 😊


Busted!

I didn't mean to sound rude - and like I stated on my other post before, I've always been blunt about how I think. I'm still trying to express myself clearly and learning how to get a better grip on people's emotions. It's difficult. Especially to women.

I'm glad it worked for you!


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## Summer70 (Feb 27, 2021)

blossomier said:


> Busted!
> 
> I didn't mean to sound rude - and like I stated on my other post before, I've always been blunt about how I think. I'm still trying to express myself clearly and learning how to get a better grip on people's emotions. It's difficult. Especially to women.
> 
> I'm glad it worked for you!


Well. It wasn't the bluntness that bothered me. I mostly felt angry because I had the impression that someone was making me say something that I didn't say. Like, the content of my post feeling deformed by an interpretation of it. My first thought was, "When the hell did I say that!!! 😱😱😱"


But it just ends up being a misunderstanding. It happens. I need to express myself better.


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## Miharu (Apr 1, 2015)

Deuce said:


> You don't send a vibe of being a scary monster nor in your post or in your photo ... I think if you have a natural poker face, maybe people tend to assume you'd rather do your own thing rather than join (but not necessarily that you're hostile) ? I think there's always an extra effort to do for the person who looks unapproachable in that they have to do the approaching themselves to compensate for their "not easy to decipher" vibe ... I have encountered the same problem a few times.
> 
> Maybe it would be easier to approach one of the girl out of the group ? It can be easier to bond that when there is a whole group thing going on, then the encounter can be rather similar to what you have with a guy. It's mainly about making the other person understand that you're interested in what they have to say regardless of the topic, by being attentive and curious. Eventually sharing similar experiences to what they're offering so that the general message becomes "we're into this thing we call life/university together".
> 
> ...


You do have a point that I may look to them like someone who wants her own space (and I do, but I also want friends.. lol.). It does look like I will have to approach others more. It does not come to me easily, though. I think I got used to waiting for others to approach me first. I tend to mind my own business and speak only when spoken to... I suppose it doesn't make it easy for them. It doesn't stop the boys though. Agh, girls...! One day, I will connect with you.

Regarding topics of conversations... I am not usually one to talk about my problems to others. Others talk to me about THEIR problems, but usually for solutions not comfort and because I don't gossip with others so they feel safe sharing with me. I keep my personal relationship more or less private too.

I suppose what I am looking for in girl friends is more along the lines of having a girl to have makeup talks with or someone I can talk to about girl-only experiences that they would relate to. Sure, I can talk to my guy friends about ..say, my period or maybe combination pill side effects, idk, but they wouldn't _really know_ what I'm on about and boys can be finicky about sensitive topics. It also doesn't help that I can't join in on whatever girls around me nowadays are into, i.e. Kpop idols. I'm not into them and I have no interest. My music taste is way different. 

I nearly had girl friends in uni once (during my bachelor's degree, not master's) and got invited to a dessert place, but all they did was gush about Kpop idols and I was there like.. uh-oh I have nothing to contribute. I did not really get invited again, but I just thought okay.. fair enough. I don't find a lot of girls interested in discussing RPG games, classic books, anime, guitars, music or whatever other interests I have.



Summer70 said:


> Oh really? I don't get this unapproachable feeling from you when I read your posts. That's the internet advantage, I guess! Or maybe you're being self-depreciative?
> 
> Maybe we can turn the question backward. Are there female acquaintances that you want to be friends with? Did you actively approach them? How did it work?
> The fastest way to make friends isn't to wait that people approach us, but to make the friendship happen. Inviting people, organizing events, ... 😄
> ...


Glad you don't think I look all that unfriendly. I think it's got to do with how much more talkative and expressive I am online than in real life. You don't hear much from me in real life, unfortunately. It's often easier for me to express myself with written words and behind the screen. Now I'm starting to think it's just me who's making it a bit difficult for others lol.

To answer your question, I don't have anyone specific in mind who I want to target (that sounds so wrong haha). I am unfortunately finished with my master's now so I can't try these tips from all of you in uni anymore. My last interaction with some of the girls in my uni was in the group chat, I congratulated them and they congratulated me back. They asked me what mark I got and I said first class honours (in the UK that's 1:1 which is the highest you can get, equivalent to summa cum laude in the US or elsewhere) and they just made this off-handed "of course" comment that makes it sound like I'm arrogant when I just answered a damn question and I never asked them what final marks they got? I got better reception from my male classmates who just cheered for me instead. 

I wonder if it's also the competition? Girls are so competitive and it's sad that rather than cheering for each other, some girls would prefer to compete. Anyway, maybe once I get a job, I can exercise these in the workplace. I'm currently applying.

About thinking of switching my makeup—I just thought it's often that the more softer, demure you look, the more people think you're approachable. We tend to see villains and intimidating characters portrayed to have painted faces with bold colours, after all, so I guess there is some merit to this. I don't really paint my face so much. I just go for filling in my brows as naturally as I can, mascara and then lipstick. Blushers and bronzers as well as eyeshadow (browns/nudes) are optional. 

My avatar is my go-to look. I tend to go for bolder lips because I don't have much going on for the rest of my face so it kinda makes sense to focus on lips. However, I'm not opposed to switching it up so yeah, I can try some nudes and glosses and see if it contributes the next time I find myself in a situation where I can make friends. I own nude lipsticks too, anyway. I often wear them whenever I decide to add some colour to my eyes which is not often. No worries about the "girl talk"—that's one of the things I'm looking for remember? haha. I don't get enough of it irl.



Electra said:


> I wonder if it could be related to such things as: economy, things and expriences in common, common values, intelligence levels, common goals or popularity and influence. Idk!


It's a factor, for sure. I don't usually have the same interests and all that.



blossomier said:


> I have the same issue. Ever since I was a kid (I'm not sure if this has something to do with the way we're thinkers and a lot of women are feelers...?) I thought it was a lot easier to approach guys and befriend them. I'm 20, so we're close in age, and I also feel like female friendships are difficult for me. I thought about this very topic lately; I bond with men so easily but with women not really. I want to have a female best friend but I can't seem to consider anyone at that level of intimacy. To other people it seems so easy, apparently.
> 
> I like being friends with men, but having female friendships is so different. You know the feel.
> 
> ...


Yup. I consistently find it easier to befriend guys, too. They're usually not shy to approach me either so it helps big time since I don't do the approaching most of the time. I suppose that's what I need to work on. I need to approach other girls more often even when they are probably mentally judging me already lol. I don't have a best friend either. The thing with my friendships with guys is they're all very chill and casual. They're definitely not the BFF type. They're the ones I can hang with to drink, have a fun time, play games, etc. But they're not usually who I go to when it comes to issues in life. For that, I tend to, well, write it down, really. There's that lack of intimacy, for sure.

You nailed it with the group analogy. In groups with other girls, I often don't share their interests so as soon as they start talking about those, I'm just there with my brain short-circuiting. It results to them becoming closer to each other while I remain just the dregs of the group. They come to me for advice, but won't chitchat me about non-important things. I want those too sometimes. I always end up being the one not knowing much about what's going on as a result. I've experienced this too many times growing up. 

I've always been really true to myself too so it's not like I tried to fit in by emulating them or trying to find interesting the things that I don't care about... And yes, I hate that you have to hate who they hate too. I don't even know the person they hate that well, and I'm expected to judge them and never talk to them ever because my friend doesn't like them? It's immature. I can form my own conclusion about another person. Your experience is not mine. Unless they truly have done something so unforgivable that it'll be best for me to avoid them too.

I have a similar experience! But I never thought to get professional help about my previous falling-outs. I'm glad you did and I'm sure it helped you. I've had one with a few girl friends from my past. I found out one of them wanted to ruin me to the rest of the group so she can be liked instead. Her MO was to ask me controversial questions or my opinions then tell the others what I said without context. She also just straight up fabricated the other allegations. I'm the type to be frank and say it how it is so you can imagine how easy it is to make others believe I'd say those things. This went on for YEARS. 

That's just the short-hand version.. In the end, one of the girls had enough of me and cut me off. I immediately confronted the very same person, knowing I did nothing wrong. She told me everything. I finally realised why I was slowly losing friends. I confronted everyone and countered all their "issues" with me, I even provided proof (i.e. screenshots). The result: the perpetrator lost everyone, and the rest of them apologised to me and wanted to be friends again. I said no. A good friend would have questioned me. If I truly said those things, why not get mad at me and confront me? It all wouldn't have lasted years if they simply had the guts to approach me and question me. Did they think I was gonna shoot them? Seriously, a little bit of thinking wouldn't hurt. I couldn't believe I was the one kept in the dark and I was still the one who solved things. 

Anyway, I'm just glad they're gone and I'm ready to move on and find better people and make better friendships. Hopefully this time with mature girls who aren't competing for whatever mental beauty pageant they may be participating in lol. 



acrea said:


> I don't think it's so much your makeup/face since you look like a nice person. It may be the way you present yourself to other people. Not being too expressive does drive people away because they'll interpret it as wanting your own space. You don't need to smile all the time, just at the right times to let others know that you enjoy their company. Body language matters too as you want to be more open and relaxed. Basically you want to appear like an easygoing and happy person.
> 
> Here is a link that you may find helpful:
> 
> ...


Thanks for the link, it's useful for body-language. I'm not smiley, but I guess throwing on a small smile whenever someone I want to befriend makes eye contact wouldn't hurt. I currently don't have enough outside activities to participate in, but I'll really try the next time I find myself in a situation where I may be able to connect with others. I suppose rather than just listening to others, I can throw in a few "why is that?" or whatever. Conversations tend to end fast when I normally would just answer the person's question but not ask something in return...


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