# NTs and Emotional Needs in a Relationship



## vesper007 (Aug 11, 2015)

Just curious here. If you're an NT, what emotional needs do you have in a relationship? 

What motivates you to enter into a romantic relationship with a specific person (as opposed to picking another person, or just staying single) and what are you primarily seeking in a partner? 

When you're in a relationship, how do you express your feelings for the other person? 

How do you know when you're in love? 

I'm just curious as to how similarly rational types deal with the quintessentially emotional issue of relationships.


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## Massiv0r (Oct 25, 2014)

I'm an Alpha male.

And girls want to phuck alpha males. Let it piss you off as much as you want, but you know it's completely true. That girl you like who is kinda cute in a weird way, but is totally sweet and you have the biggest crush on? The one who keeps going back to guys who treat her wrong for reasnos you don't understand? The one who calls you up at 1 am to cry about how her boyfriend hasn't called her in 3 days, and no matter how long you listen to her, she'll never think of you as anything other than asexual? The one who will curl up next to you on the couch, hug you close, kiss you on the cheek, and never let you phucking touch her beyond that? Yeah, I'm phucking her. The hot girl who won't even look at you when you nod at them and smile? The one who laughs when you trip in the hallway and drop your stuff? The one who comes up and coyly aks for your help with her homework, and then pretends you don't exist once you finish? Yeah, I'm phucking her too, even harder. The geeky girl you think might be enough like you that you have a chance with her? She plays warcraft on your server, and watches anime, and reads comics? She's so incredible and you just love her so much but you still haven't worked up the courage to tell her how you feel about her? Guess who just sucked me off and told me they'll always love me? And what's more? I laugh at guys like you. When you cry about how much girls treat you bad, and wonder why they can't just see that you're a nice guy who would always treat them right? I nod and tell you to hang in there, you'll find someone right for you someday, don't give up hope man. But inside? I'm laughing my angus off at you you pathetic phuck. Every girl you set your sights on, who isn't a disgusting pig-monster, I'm going to phuck 6 ways from sunday before you even tell her you think she's cute. I won't bother trying when you finally settle for that 350 pound girl who works at hardees, you can have that. Anything else I'm going to jizz on her face before you get those lips near it. And the biggest reason I laugh? It's not me doing all this. It's the girls. When you cry about how lonely you are? Or talk about how you just want to curl up and dissapear, and all that emo bullchit? You're triggering her "Don't phuck" instinct something feirce. You're a miserable weak coward, why would she want your genes? Feel free to buy her a new computer and help her decorate her apartment, you're great for that. But her baby-maker is barking orders at her, telling her to wrap her legs around me and hold on for as long as she can. She needs it, on a primal level you'll never get to see first hand, even if you do get a chance to phuck her. Sooner or later one of them will lay back and spread their legs, but you won't see any hunger in their eyes. They won't beg you to love them forever and make them yours. You won't know what it's like to see her animal side needing you as much as she needs to eat and breath.And she's cheating on you, I promise that. When she sits around quiet and uncomfortable, acting irritable and irrational towards you, wanting you to just back away and leave her alone, it's not her period. It's because I haven't called her for a day or two and her instincts are telling her to go find me. The primitive section of her brain doesn't want to risk smelling like another man when she gives herself to me, she wants me to know she's completely mine. We do things together she tells you she never would. Her pooper? Mine. I want to give her a facial? of course. I want her to suck the jizz out of my dick, even though I just finished pumping away at her angus? she's never going to tell me no. She doesn't WNAT to tell me no. She wants me to know she'll do anything it takes to keep me. She'll rim my angus while she's down there sucking me off if it means pleasing me. She'll drink my jizz from a shotglass. She'll wear a buttplug when we go out to dinner. She'll sleep handcuffed to my headboard. Anything. And then she'll go home to you and tell you she's not in the mood today.

I'd say you should become an hero, but you being aruond makes her want a real man all the more, so keep ***ging it up emo biches, I'll keep that poosie warm while you're crying in the corner.


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## marybluesky (Apr 23, 2012)

vesper007 said:


> If you're an NT, what emotional needs do you have in a relationship?


It is not clear to me. I just know needy people drive me crazy. So much calling/texting/meeting isn`t for me. In fact I need them much lesser than normal amount.



vesper007 said:


> What motivates you to enter into a romantic relationship with a specific person (as opposed to picking another person, or just staying single)


Sparks. This is`t the only thing I need, but the one that motivates me to go out of my comfort zone.


vesper007 said:


> what are you primarily seeking in a partner?


As I said sparks are important. Then open-mindedness. I guess I will be turned off by a close-minded physically attractive guy. 



vesper007 said:


> When you're in a relationship, how do you express your feelings for the other person?


I have been in very few relationships & without passion. So I can`t reply... But still, my mother is the only person that I express feelings for openly. I complement her, hug her, touch her, etc. As she is a INFJ she loves physical affection 


vesper007 said:


> How do you know when you're in love?


Physical symptoms & fantasies. That being said, I don`t fall in love with someone I find compatible one year after our first meeting & with whom I felt nothing.


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## vesper007 (Aug 11, 2015)

marybluesky said:


> It is not clear to me. I just know needy people drive me crazy. So much calling/texting/meeting isn`t for me. In fact I need them much lesser than normal amount.
> 
> I have been in very few relationships & without passion.
> 
> ...


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## Alpha_Orionis (Jan 18, 2015)

Just curious here. If you're an NT, what emotional needs do you have in a relationship?
I am not really a needy person. I try to be as independent as i can. I do not need someone to say to me that everything will be alright. I do not need someone who will try to be around me every free minute of their day. I do not need someone who will text me everyday. 

What motivates you to enter into a romantic relationship with a specific person (as opposed to picking another person, or just staying single) and what are you primarily seeking in a partner?
I try to decide it on a rational level, but in the end it is the connection i feel between that decides the person.

When you're in a relationship, how do you express your feelings for the other person?
By actions. I tend not to say that i love someone or try to be motivating or comforting. I let my actions do the talking.

How do you know when you're in love? 
I don't.


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## Marvin the Dendroid (Sep 10, 2015)

*If you're an NT, what emotional needs do you have in a relationship?*
I like companionship. Being able to share my cognitive processes freely. I am probably as far from emotionally needy as it gets, being perhaps even too self-sufficient at times. I don't mind it so much myself, but it makes me more likely to forget the emotional needs of my SO.

*What motivates you to enter into a romantic relationship with a specific person (as opposed to picking another person, or just staying single) and what are you primarily seeking in a partner?*
Attraction and compatibility, the former being far more common than the latter.

*When you're in a relationship, how do you express your feelings for the other person?*
Touch first and foremost. For whatever random reasons, my brain is mostly wired for touch - both giving and receiving. Gets my neurotransmitters going like nothing else. I like writing poetry as well ... little signs of appreciation, verbal and otherwise.

*How do you know when you're in love? *
I doubt I experience "love" in the classical sense. I would rather call it profound affection... I doubt my brain is capable of "falling in love" or "head over heels" type of emotions. I want to spend time together (although I obviously need to be alone as well), share my thoughts, care for and help my SO. I would imagine this love of mine to be of the kind an elderly couple would feel after decades of being together ... deep affection, not rainbows and fireworks.


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## Psychophlegmatic (Apr 29, 2012)

*Just curious here. If you're an NT, what emotional needs do you have in a relationship? *

I want my partner to be my best friend. I want to know that I can go to them for support, and vice versa. I prefer affection that is given deliberately and with meaning.*
 
What motivates you to enter into a romantic relationship with a specific person (as opposed to picking another person, or just staying single) and what are you primarily seeking in a partner? 

*
Attraction and compatibility. Someone I can relate to and connect with on a deeper level.
*
 When you're in a relationship, how do you express your feelings for the other person? *
Through my actions. *
 
How do you know when you're in love? 

*
When the oxytocin high wears off and I see the person for who they truly are, and still care deeply for them. When I put their needs above my own. Many people mistake feelings of infatuation for love, so when those hormones inevitably calm down, they panic. Love is a choice. It’s impossible for a body to sustain such a “high” for too long. 
*
 I'm just curious as to how similarly rational types deal with the quintessentially emotional issue of relationships.*

Poorly, since I’m awkward about such things. However, I will communicate with my partner about these issues.


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## vesper007 (Aug 11, 2015)

So, @dekkr372 and @Alpha_Orionis , if you both describe yourselves as "as far from needy as it gets" or that you try to "be as independent as you can", has that ever hampered your relationships with your preferred gender? 

So, what you get out of a relationship is just being able to share your cognitive processes freely with someone of your preferred gender that you're attracted to and enjoy sleeping with who also supports you - is that it? 

What MTBI types have you dated and what do you think would be a good match for you?

What if your partner had more emotional needs, like a typical ESFJ who may seek emotional validation, or any Fe dominant type?


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## Marvin the Dendroid (Sep 10, 2015)

vesper007 said:


> So if you both describe yourselves as "as far from needy as it gets" or that you try to "be as independent as you can", has that ever hampered your relationships with your preferred gender?


I doubt, but it's possible I wouldn't notice. I have only had three relationships as I find the courtship process ... exhausting. I _very_ much prefer to find someone highly compatible and invest in our relationship, working out any issues that arise, instead of hunting for fresh meat. Not so much because I become attached but more because it's more fulfilling in the long run. Dating/courtship is very exhausting.



> So, what you get out of a relationship is just being able to share your cognitive processes freely with someone of your preferred gender that you're attracted to and enjoy sleeping with who also supports you - is that it?


Suppose something along those lines. Touch means a lot to me, it has an extremely tangibly calming and soothing effect on me - a very simple way to help me feel calm and happy. I want cognitive compatibility and emotional rapport though, not just any random touch.



> What MTBI types have you dated and what do you think would be a good match for you?


I don't date, but my SOs were... Not sure. 1st maybe an ambiverted SFP? 2nd ENFP I think... Current SO is definitely an INFP. xNFPs are definitely my ideal match, but I'd give emotionally mature and attractive xNTxs a shot. I can't take a lot of E, but a mild extrovert can work if otherwise a good match. Maybe not a very young one but later once a bit older and calmer. I'm near 100 % intuitive and tend to find sensors difficult to communicate with.



> What if your partner had more emotional needs, like a typical ESFJ who may seek emotional validation, or any Fe dominant type?


My current SO does, but she's also highly respectful of my needs and preferences. I'm rather extremely cuddly, gentle and affectionate for an INTJ and happy to provide emotional support as long as it's balanced mutual giving and taking. I do need some space, but my gently affectionate nature and love for touch means I really, really enjoy snuggling quietly and discussing something suitably cerebral. My INFP SO is a wonderful match in most of these ways.

I do deal very poorly with conflicts and strong negative emotions (anger, aggression etc.), they make me very exhausted and I cannot express them myself, or even feel really. Again, very un-INTJ. I need an emotionally stable and gentle partner.


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## vesper007 (Aug 11, 2015)

dekkr372 said:


> Current SO is definitely an INFP. xNFPs are definitely my ideal match, but I'd give emotionally mature and attractive xNTxs a shot.


Why would an NFP be more attractive to you than an emotionally mature xNTx?

I'm beginning to wonder if there are any guys out there who put female NTs at the top of the list!


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## marblecloud95 (Aug 12, 2015)

Massiv0r said:


> I'm an Alpha male.
> 
> And girls want to phuck alpha males. Let it piss you off as much as you want, but you know it's completely true. That girl you like who is kinda cute in a weird way, but is totally sweet and you have the biggest crush on? The one who keeps going back to guys who treat her wrong for reasnos you don't understand? The one who calls you up at 1 am to cry about how her boyfriend hasn't called her in 3 days, and no matter how long you listen to her, she'll never think of you as anything other than asexual? The one who will curl up next to you on the couch, hug you close, kiss you on the cheek, and never let you phucking touch her beyond that? Yeah, I'm phucking her. The hot girl who won't even look at you when you nod at them and smile? The one who laughs when you trip in the hallway and drop your stuff? The one who comes up and coyly aks for your help with her homework, and then pretends you don't exist once you finish? Yeah, I'm phucking her too, even harder. The geeky girl you think might be enough like you that you have a chance with her? She plays warcraft on your server, and watches anime, and reads comics? She's so incredible and you just love her so much but you still haven't worked up the courage to tell her how you feel about her? Guess who just sucked me off and told me they'll always love me? And what's more? I laugh at guys like you. When you cry about how much girls treat you bad, and wonder why they can't just see that you're a nice guy who would always treat them right? I nod and tell you to hang in there, you'll find someone right for you someday, don't give up hope man. But inside? I'm laughing my angus off at you you pathetic phuck. Every girl you set your sights on, who isn't a disgusting pig-monster, I'm going to phuck 6 ways from sunday before you even tell her you think she's cute. I won't bother trying when you finally settle for that 350 pound girl who works at hardees, you can have that. Anything else I'm going to jizz on her face before you get those lips near it. And the biggest reason I laugh? It's not me doing all this. It's the girls. When you cry about how lonely you are? Or talk about how you just want to curl up and dissapear, and all that emo bullchit? You're triggering her "Don't phuck" instinct something feirce. You're a miserable weak coward, why would she want your genes? Feel free to buy her a new computer and help her decorate her apartment, you're great for that. But her baby-maker is barking orders at her, telling her to wrap her legs around me and hold on for as long as she can. She needs it, on a primal level you'll never get to see first hand, even if you do get a chance to phuck her. Sooner or later one of them will lay back and spread their legs, but you won't see any hunger in their eyes. They won't beg you to love them forever and make them yours. You won't know what it's like to see her animal side needing you as much as she needs to eat and breath.And she's cheating on you, I promise that. When she sits around quiet and uncomfortable, acting irritable and irrational towards you, wanting you to just back away and leave her alone, it's not her period. It's because I haven't called her for a day or two and her instincts are telling her to go find me. The primitive section of her brain doesn't want to risk smelling like another man when she gives herself to me, she wants me to know she's completely mine. We do things together she tells you she never would. Her pooper? Mine. I want to give her a facial? of course. I want her to suck the jizz out of my dick, even though I just finished pumping away at her angus? she's never going to tell me no. She doesn't WNAT to tell me no. She wants me to know she'll do anything it takes to keep me. She'll rim my angus while she's down there sucking me off if it means pleasing me. She'll drink my jizz from a shotglass. She'll wear a buttplug when we go out to dinner. She'll sleep handcuffed to my headboard. Anything. And then she'll go home to you and tell you she's not in the mood today.
> 
> I'd say you should become an hero, but you being aruond makes her want a real man all the more, so keep ***ging it up emo biches, I'll keep that poosie warm while you're crying in the corner.


LOL, sounds more like a jaded cuckold.


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## Marvin the Dendroid (Sep 10, 2015)

vesper007 said:


> Why would an NFP be more attractive to you than an emotionally mature xNTx?
> 
> I'm beginning to wonder if there are any guys out there who put female NTs at the top of the list!


Good question. Upon reflection, I would say that it would be very much down to compatibility with the individual no matter her cognitive style. I suppose I was being typist and assuming NTs wouldn't be cuddly, but I am myself. It's very important to me that there's a lot of cuddles and touch, and I don't deal well with a blunt approach to potential conflicts (my own lack of maturity). I would prefer less focus on emotions I think... So a mature NT might be a very good match indeed, as long as she isn't touch-averse.

One thing my SO does which I don't deal well with is her need to understand my emotional motivations. All the time. I don't understand them myself most of the time, and would prefer not to bother, as long as I behave responsibly. Scrutinising them is exhausting and I don't feel it does any good.


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## vesper007 (Aug 11, 2015)

dekkr372 said:


> Good question. Upon reflection, I would say that it would be very much down to compatibility with the individual no matter her cognitive style. I suppose I was being typist and assuming NTs wouldn't be cuddly, but I am myself. It's very important to me that there's a lot of cuddles and touch, and I don't deal well with a blunt approach to potential conflicts (my own lack of maturity). I would prefer less focus on emotions I think... So a mature NT might be a very good match indeed, as long as she isn't touch-averse.
> 
> One thing my SO does which I don't deal well with is her need to understand my emotional motivations. All the time. I don't understand them myself most of the time, and would prefer not to bother, as long as I behave responsibly. Scrutinising them is exhausting and I don't feel it does any good.


I posed a similar question on another thread about male NTs (or ENTJs) and physical contact. Some people had some interesting answers and you may want to take a look. I've been dating an ENTJ for the past few months and his lack of physical affection was in contrast to my appreciation for some good cuddle time. People had all sorts of interesting takes on his lack of cuddliness, and it's clear that NTs fall all over the "languages of love" spectrum. 

I don't know if "languages of love" correlate in any certain pattern among people in the MTBI, though that would make a good thread topic.


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## Marvin the Dendroid (Sep 10, 2015)

vesper007 said:


> I posed a similar question on another thread about male NTs (or ENTJs) and physical contact. Some people had some interesting answers and you may want to take a look. I've been dating an ENTJ for the past few months and his lack of physical affection was in contrast to my appreciation for some good cuddle time. People had all sorts of interesting takes on his lack of cuddliness, and it's clear that NTs fall all over the "languages of love" spectrum.
> 
> I don't know if "languages of love" correlate in any certain pattern among people in the MTBI, though that would make a good thread topic.


Indeed. They quite possibly do not. My SO, although a textbook INFP in so many ways, is less physical than I am. Her preferred means of conveying affection are little gestures ... taking an interest in your ongoings. Not my area of expertise unfortunately, but we manage decently. Men probably generally tend to err on the side of non-cuddliness.


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## perennialurker (Oct 1, 2009)

*If you're an NT, what emotional needs do you have in a relationship?
*Despite being rather aloof myself, I really want someone who balances me out. I've met women who are quite rational. I respect, admire, and get along with them, but I feel immediately charmed by more warm, dare I say, illogical women. I find that I really desire simple things, such as warmth, affection, kindness-- someone who cares about my basic comfort and well-being.

*What motivates you to enter into a romantic relationship with a specific person (as opposed to picking another person, or just staying single) and what are you primarily seeking in a partner?*
This is far more complicated. I have perhaps an impossibly high bar. I have had troubled relationships in the past which makes me wary of trying anything new, and INTJs tend to have an inertia towards outward relationships of any kind. If you're, a causual acquaintance, a friend, or whatever else, you're likely to stay that way unless some tremendous outside force pushes me. For me to fall for a particular woman ( I'm not big on pursuit) she needs to have a combination of intellectual depth and curiosity AND emotional warmth, charm, and affection. Its not too hard to find one or the other, but finding both seems quite difficult.

*When you're in a relationship, how do you express your feelings for the other person?
*Mostly physical. I often think of romantic ideas and expressions in my head : "You're everything I've ever wanted" , "I want to fall asleep holding you" but I usually find it easier just to keep them in my head. Still, I make a concerted effort to comfort and compliment someone, especially given my aforementioned affinity for more sensitive women. Although honestly, for me, the biggest sign of my love would be just opening up to them. Answering there questions, listening to their feelings, and generally making the effort to meet them half-way on emotional matters.

*How do you know when you're in love?
*Over the years I have learned to maintain a healthy skepticism toward others and have built towering defenses to protect myself. I've only met one woman who has really been able to hold my affections. Everyone else has disappointed me rather quickly. It is my fervent hope to someday be pleasantly surprised, but again, I have gotten good at filtering people out.


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## vesper007 (Aug 11, 2015)

dekkr372 said:


> So a mature NT might be a very good match indeed, as long as she isn't touch-averse.
> 
> .


I don't know if "languages of love" have any correlation with your Myers-Briggs. For what it's worth, I appreciate touching and cuddling. 

I started this thread about a similar phenomenon with regard to a current relationship that I'm involved in: http://personalitycafe.com/myers-br...s-male-nts-lack-passion-physical-contact.html


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## Marvin the Dendroid (Sep 10, 2015)

vesper007 said:


> I don't know if "languages of love" have any correlation with your Myers-Briggs. For what it's worth, I appreciate touching and cuddling.
> 
> I started this thread about a similar phenomenon with regard to a current relationship that I'm involved in: http://personalitycafe.com/myers-br...s-male-nts-lack-passion-physical-contact.html


I read all the posts in that thread. Hope you do well, whatever you decide. Couldn't relate one tiny bit, and found your decision-making process terribly mechanistic and utilitarian (sorry). Humans are an endlessly fascinating species.


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## marybluesky (Apr 23, 2012)

vesper007 said:


> How do you handle someone who needs more texting/calling/meeting than you? Do you be up front with them that you like them but draw boundaries? Or do you just GTFO if you think that they need more than you do.


Your quote is sent in the form of normal post, so I noticed it late:wink: 
I usually move out. I tried before to draw the lines, but every time I did it I had to explain my need to talk/text less. It was like they wanted to communicate at the very moment they were in the mood. 



vesper007 said:


> How much texting/calling/meeting is OK for you?


Well, maybe several times a week. I`m more into meeting than texting/calling. And as I said, I was`t passionate about the ones I had relationship with. There was no sparks. So it can be different about someone really attractive to me.


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## vesper007 (Aug 11, 2015)

dekkr372 said:


> I read all the posts in that thread. Hope you do well, whatever you decide. Couldn't relate one tiny bit, and *found your decision-making process terribly mechanistic and utilitarian (sorry). *Humans are an endlessly fascinating species.


No need for the sorry! I actually find that to be a compliment, so I don't really understand the need on your end to apologize, or for the "terribly" descriptive.... What exactly about my decision-making process did you find "mechanistic" and "utilitarian" and what makes those things, to you, "terrible" (or, at the very least, worthy of an apology and not of a compliment)? 

Also, in what ways do you not relate? I would suspect that NTs (or Ts in general) would admire, or relate the most to a "mechanistic" and "utilitarian" approach to most things, particularly relationships or other emotional matters. Maybe this approach is more "ST" instead of "NT', but definitely not F? 

I'm genuinely curious for the same reasons you are (humans being fascinating as you say, and always very interesting to hear others' unfiltered takes on my decision-making process etc...).


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## Alpha_Orionis (Jan 18, 2015)

vesper007 said:


> So, @dekkr372 and @Alpha_Orionis , if you both describe yourselves as "as far from needy as it gets" or that you try to "be as independent as you can", has that ever hampered your relationships with your preferred gender?
> 
> So, what you get out of a relationship is just being able to share your cognitive processes freely with someone of your preferred gender that you're attracted to and enjoy sleeping with who also supports you - is that it?
> 
> ...


I did not hamper my dating relationships, but sometimes it gets in the way when people try help me, and i just reject them because i do not want to rely on their help whilst they just want to feel useful.

I did not date much and i am not quite sure what MBTI types were they, but they were mainly extraverts and it did not turn out well, because they did not see me as a conciderate person.
I am not sure what type would be good for me, but i tend to get attracted by NTs.

If i were to date a very emotional and needy person, i simply would not have the energy to keep up with them. I would end quickly (I assume).


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