# Backing out of being a bridesmaid



## Pachacutie (Aug 27, 2010)

Recently, at work, a co-worker was telling me how she thinks she'll be proposed to soon. There is a possibility I am moving soon, and I moved where I'm at currently in January... while already being a maid of honor for my best friend. I had to travel back and forth and spend a lot of money from my part time only job. It was hard and the only reason I did it is because she was my best friend. Anyway, co-worker mentions that she knew it was rough for me to travel back and forth to go to her wedding and kind of trails off into, "so I was wondering if you'd want to..." 

I thought she meant simply attend her wedding. I'd try to, I'm sure... and who knows... we could plan a trip back to visit my boyfriend's family. Why not get an invite? I could politely decline if I wasn't able to at the time. 

_Then_ she says, "Okay, cool! So the bridesmaids will be you and co-worker #2 and person and person!"

I kind of just ended up smiling and nodding and saying, "Yeah..." 

We don't mind working together, she's fairly nice but I never thought she genuinely liked me and I know she often gets on my nerves for kind of playing the victim about a lot of situations and being overly cocky about a job she just started. (Which, she got after a second manager quit... and she was rude to me at first for getting the initial manager opening that she wanted as a sales associate.)

I don't want to hurt her feelings but I don't even like being involved in weddings. I don't even want to have a major wedding, ever. It's not my thing and I find the idea of having bridesmaids spend tons of money on your unnecessarily expensive big day as selfish. I've done it and I don't want to do it again. Especially for a girl I don't even really consider a friend. I really am flattered, but how do I back out of this in a tactful way? 

I've already thought about trying to sabotage their engagement, but any other suggestions would be great! (Kidding! I know I'll have to talk to her, unless she [hopefully] changes her mind and acts like it never happened.. but I really don't know what to say.)

*TL;DR:* How do I back out of being a bridesmaid in a wedding that I accidentally agreed to? Details: I'm not really friends with this girl and I've only known her since February as a co-worker. 

My life is so weird. Why do these things happen to me?


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## Jennywocky (Aug 7, 2009)

Yikes. That's definitely a very touchy situation. Aside from lying about something that "came up at the last minute," I'm not sure there is a way to drop out other than simply biting the bullet and telling her that you're not doing it.

(I think if something like this comes up in the future, the point to correct things is where she launched into how you would be a bridesmaid and you immediately say, "Whoa, wait, I thought you just meant I would be invited, and while I appreciate you considering me, I at least need time to think about it and will get back to you.")

I suppose also that you could say that weddings are expensive and you don't have the money to pay for a dress and whatever else that is necessary as part of being in her wedding.

you can also check and around and see if someone else WANTS to do it and thus kind of find a replacement for yourself.


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## Pachacutie (Aug 27, 2010)

Jennywocky said:


> Yikes. That's definitely a very touchy situation. Aside from lying about something that "came up at the last minute," I'm not sure there is a way to drop out other than simply biting the bullet and telling her that you're not doing it.
> 
> (I think if something like this comes up in the future, the point to correct things is where she launched into how you would be a bridesmaid and you immediately say, "Whoa, wait, I thought you just meant I would be invited, and while I appreciate you considering me, I at least need time to think about it and will get back to you.")
> 
> ...



Thanks for your reply. You're right. I pretty much just have to tell her and wish I had right at that moment but I was just utterly shocked and confused. It still makes no sense to me. I can't imagine asking someone I've only had a drink with once with another co-worker (who we're both closer to, separately) to be in my wedding. She doesn't know anything about my life and she's extremely Christian, while I am not. I don't believe she'd like that, thought it doesn't really bother me. :tongue: I do understand that she just may not feel she has enough friends to be in her party but it's still very weird. 

Luckily, she's not even engaged yet and it'd be a long engagement. I'll likely not even live here, or at least have a different job so I'm hoping she'll realize it's not really going to make sense. We most likely won't remain acquaintances. 

I suppose I'm just going to wait until she brings it up again and let her know then, rather than act as if it's a huge imposition and I have been dwelling on it. I'm still not even sure that it really happened because it was so weird and indirect. lol


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## Marie Claire (Aug 12, 2011)

I find it strange that she's asked you to be a bridesmaid when she isn't even engaged yet!


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## CrystallineSheep (Jul 8, 2012)

I am confused on why she is asking someone she is not close with to become a bridesmaid? Doesn't she have relatives or actual friends to ask? If she mentions again just say, "I would love to but I have made other commitments". Don't feel guilty at all.....you are not even a personal friend of her's. :laughing:


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## Finaille (Aug 8, 2010)

There was a girl at my work who did this. Rocky relationship, no real friends, and kept asking coworkers to be bridesmaids. Luckily while I wasn't involved, a lot of my friends felt similar to you. A few stood up to her with practical reasons why they couldn't be in the wedding and she went all dramatic on them. 

I'd say just tell her you can't. She may act hurt, but I guarantee (sadly) another coworker will take your place soon enough. Then butt out and watch the relationship likely fall apart anyways. 

You don't want to become involved with a person like this. They are insecure and are unable to have good, mature relationships.

Wanna know what happened to my coworker? Her fiancé cheated on her with somebody in the store. Chances are something will happen and they won't even get married in the first place.


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## yet another intj (Feb 10, 2013)

RabbitHeart said:


> *TL;DR:* How do I back out of being a bridesmaid in a wedding that I accidentally agreed to?


It's simple... Don't.



RabbitHeart said:


> Details: I'm not really friends with this girl and I've only known her since February as a co-worker.


Irrelevant.



RabbitHeart said:


> My life is so weird.


No... You are perceiving "the life" with your weird perception.



RabbitHeart said:


> Why do these things happen to me?


The nature of things.


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## Aquamarine (Jul 24, 2011)

It's better to clarify with her that you won't be able to commit to being her bridesmaid, but let her know that you'll still attend her wedding as a guest. At least she'll be able to get someone else who's able to commit to that agreement.


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## INTJellectual (Oct 22, 2011)

Just say "NO". 


If you are uncomfortable with a direct and firm "no", then make up some excuses like you're moving out when that day happens, or you have some important event with your relatives, etc.


Just being a bridesmaid when you don't want to (especially at someone you don't even consider a friend) is miserable. Don't attend and take back what you said to her earlier.


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## Laguna (Mar 21, 2012)

This co-worker is DELUSIONAL!
Tact be gone.
"Umm- hello, co-worker? Yeah --- um- it's nice working with you, but we are not freinds outside of work. I consider a role of bridesmaid better suited to your family or actual friends. I'm honored you asked, but I will have to decline. I wish you all the best."

If she freaks- that is HER problem. I mean seriously. Why doesn't she just pull up to the McDonald's drive-thru and ask the cashier to stand up?

Years ago- someone asked me to be GOD MOTHER to their child. GOD MOTHER! I am not even Christian! I wasn't even FRIENDS with this person---- they were friends with my sibling!

I said, "NO!"

Thank God I did that---- I can't imagine having that responsibility and awkwardness for the REST OF MY LIFE.

You are not responsible for the feelings of people who are so out of line they should be ashamed of themselves.

Do not do anything you dread doing. Period.


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