# Using Anxiety As An Excuse



## sez_mckez (May 7, 2015)

My boyfriend and I share a house with another couple, who have both said that they have anxiety. And whilst I do believe anxiety and depression are an illness that many people deal with, I have a hard time accepting her reason of having anxiety for the way she speaks and her behaviour.

She lives her life in her bedroom whenever she's not at work and her boyfriend is her slave, ie: cooks dinner, serves her dinner, brings dishes back out, cleans, does laundry and even escorts her to the bathroom to go to the toilet together! She's been rude to me a couple of times but I let it slide.

The alarming part is the way she treats and speaks to her boyfriend, calling him fat and other casually wrapped insults. She's basically a rude individual who can't or won't take responsibility for herself. Her personality is toxic and I believe her excuse of having anxiety to be ridiculous and a cop out.

Have you dealt with any annoying people who have used a mental illness as an excuse for being an asshole? This post in no way denigrates mental illness as I know many kind and thoughtful people who have depression and they are not like my housemate.


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## Substancez (Nov 2, 2014)

I haven't dealt with anyone in that manner yet; that being the case it's seemingly becoming a modus operandi mask for today.

Perhaps the umbrella term 'mental illness' in this case is not only being applied to her emotional state but also physiological, moral, and existential being as a whole. Seems like a great opportunity though for discussion I will say


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## AriesLilith (Jan 6, 2013)

No, I distance myself from people who are toxic as I believe that if they don't see their toxic behavior as a problem affecting other then they are too selfish to care about others. Too much sense of entitlement and the whole "me me me" is different from someone having occasional mood swings and apologize and feel bad then tries hard to improve.


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## Gossip Goat (Nov 19, 2013)

Yup, I've met 2 individuals that sort of 'excuse' their behaviors through mental illnesses and the sort. Very frustrating. It's also very tedious to call them out on that; 


* *






similarly to how hard it would be to tell someone they're only interested in a certain career for the money and could potentially be a hazard to those they serve.


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## Angelic Gardevoir (Oct 7, 2010)

I'm not sure if a person with actual anxiety would act that way...

EDIT: I mean its possible and people with anxiety could lash out in anger that stems from their anxiety I suppose, but this situation seems fishy.


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## sink (May 21, 2014)

It boils down to one point though: her life is none of your business. How she treats her boyfriend concerns only her and him and only they know how their relationship really works. It's up to them to solve their own issues, if they even regard those as issues in the first place.

If you have a problem with her rudeness towards you, I think the best thing would be to sit down and talk to her directly about it.


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## TheCosmicHeart (Jun 24, 2015)

My ex wife was like this used her mental illness as a crutch to explain why she treated me badly, but the truth is some people are bullies and abusive by nature they get their kicks from making their spouse and people around them miserable, I highly doubt it's anxiety I think she was on the Internet and picked the first thing she could find, however that being said there are certain mental illnesses that can influence behaviour , anxiety is one that detures from a person participating in certain life activities such as shopping (at least alone) or public speaking but I have never once seen it do this...I would definitely suggest for you own well being to keep your distance...and be careful in your interactions with her


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## SoulScream (Sep 17, 2012)

Well she might have mental disorder but that would not be anxiety (or not only). I am an asshole because I am an asshole, my anxiety has nothing to do with it.


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## chanteuse (May 30, 2014)

Using illness to manipulate and control people is as old as human history. Parents do that to tether kids around them. Spouse or SO does it to keep the other from leaving or dominating. It's a guilt trip and playing victim.

Her anxiety may be because she's always anxious to keeping her BF as her personal slave.


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## sez_mckez (May 7, 2015)

chanteuse said:


> Using illness to manipulate and control people is as old as human history. Parents do that to tether kids around them. Spouse or SO does it to keep the other from leaving or dominating. It's a guilt trip and playing victim.
> 
> Her anxiety may be because she's always anxious to keeping her BF as her personal slave.


Yeah I understand it's not a new concept "playing the victim" and even though she directs majority of her attitude and rudeness to her boyfriend, because she's in the house I'm on edge. She's basically a huge sulk, moping around the house, life is so tough, don't do any housework and the excuse of "she has anxiety" I believe it complete BS. 

I always had gotten along with previous housemates but this one is in a class of her own. She makes it hard for those who do have anxiety as she is educating people incorrectly what anxiety is and that is what I detest the most.


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## sez_mckez (May 7, 2015)

Oh for sure, I know their relationship is their own business. I'm merely looking at her own weird behaviour and calling BS on the whole anxiety excuse. 

There's more to this story than anyone has time to read over. I just hate her using mental illness as an excuse, as a cop out, when there's plenty of people there silently battling anxiety and depression but yet they can use manners.


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## electricky (Feb 18, 2011)

Anxiety + being a terrible person can be a very bad combination. It's way too easy to be tempted to just have someone take care of everything for you so that you have nothing to be anxious over anymore. When the choice is between having a panic attack, and having someone else make a bowl of cereal for me, I'm sure as heck going to ask another person to get me cereal. Maybe she has very severe anxiety, or maybe she has fallen into the temptation of taking advantage of his generosity long term, or probably some combination of the two.


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## Clyme (Jul 17, 2014)

sez_mckez said:


> My boyfriend and I share a house with another couple, who have both said that they have anxiety. And whilst I do believe anxiety and depression are an illness that many people deal with, I have a hard time accepting her reason of having anxiety for the way she speaks and her behaviour.
> 
> She lives her life in her bedroom whenever she's not at work and her boyfriend is her slave, ie: cooks dinner, serves her dinner, brings dishes back out, cleans, does laundry and even escorts her to the bathroom to go to the toilet together! She's been rude to me a couple of times but I let it slide.
> 
> ...


I realize you weren't asking for advice on how to deal with her here, but I would imagine that the best approach would be to set boundaries about appropriate responsibilities and ways of treating you. So, her treating you rudely should probably be addressed, but otherwise, her relationship and the way she delegates household responsibilities between herself and her boyfriend is her business.

Anyway, I have dealt with people like that. Worse than that, I've dealt with someone who learned of my life experiences and subsequently pretended to have them as a means to gain attention and to use as an excuse for very poor behavior. I've had a lot of trouble with mental health issues in the past and it was certainly mildly irritating to me to have someone "copy" my difficulties and use them so crookedly and deceitfully. Clearly, anybody who does this has some underlying health issues already, it just doesn't happen to be the ones they claim they are. This, I think, is something that's important to take note of. Try to see past the garbage you have to deal with and realize that there's a real person behind it all. If this person is acting deceitfully or manipulatively, it's usually indicative of underlying issues that are already present. The way she insults her boyfriend may be the result of poor emotional control and she could be taking out her internal problems on him. It's difficult to say without knowing more, but try to see that even if someone is rude and toxic, they're that way because their life has shaped them as such. They may have perhaps had poor relationships growing up or other kinds of experiences which lead them to develop maladaptive behaviors. Treat them with compassion as best you can but also set appropriate boundaries to ensure that you and your partner are safe and treated fairly as well.


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## shameless (Apr 21, 2014)

Kinda sounds like my mother a bit. And no none of us in the family thinks its just anxiety. Its alot more issues then that. 

But I am not sure why your letting it concern you.


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## Angelic Gardevoir (Oct 7, 2010)

ElectricSparkle said:


> Anxiety + being a terrible person can be a very bad combination. It's way too easy to be tempted to just have someone take care of everything for you so that you have nothing to be anxious over anymore. When the choice is between having a panic attack, and having someone else make a bowl of cereal for me, I'm sure as heck going to ask another person to get me cereal. Maybe she has very severe anxiety, or maybe she has fallen into the temptation of taking advantage of his generosity long term, or probably some combination of the two.


Actually...I kinda relate to the part about wanting someone to take care of everything so I won't be anxious, but that has more to do with my upbringing than anything. (My late grandparents didn't really do much to help me become independent...) Still, I don't think insulting someone has anything to do with anxiety. So yeah, it's possible she does have anxiety but she's being abusive by treating him this way.


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## sez_mckez (May 7, 2015)

Thanks for your honest advice and yes I am trying to use a nice, respectful approach. I guess it bothers me because I detest rudeness and it's in my house and yes that's my responsibility but I didn't know she was like this. Anyway, my issue to deal with and all I can do is learn more about mental illness and people's behaviour.


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## sez_mckez (May 7, 2015)

Cinnamon83 said:


> Kinda sounds like my mother a bit. And no none of us in the family thinks its just anxiety. Its alot more issues then that.
> 
> But I am not sure why your letting it concern you.


It bothers me because she puts a damper on the room when she enters it. It's my home so I sort of have to live with it which sucks. PLUS she does the baby voice, gah! Anyway, I'll put her in her place the moment she's rude to me. Rant over.


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## TapudiPie (Feb 21, 2015)

Yes, I met and dealt with similar individuals before.
Popping their bubble can be really nasty so I'm afraid I cannot be much help


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## Glassland (Apr 19, 2014)

People will use any excuse to justify their weaknesses and their ego. I just avoid those people usually or call them out on their bullshit, using my INFJ precision to penetrate their soul and embarass them. But only when they deserve it, because they are more of a shitty human than normal shitty humans are.


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## Harizu (Apr 27, 2014)

Yeah, I've had to deal with people like that. And I openly told them that their "mental illnesses" (the very big part of them were self-diagnosed people who hadn't made accurate researches and just diagnosed themselves with whatever shit they throught would fit best as an excuse) were not an excuse for their shitty behaviour.
I have been _professionally_ diagnosed with ADD, Asperger's and a couple more "minor" disorders (but I think I only have ADD), and I don't use it as an excuse to go around and mess with people. I recognize my mistakes and try to improve myself.
Maybe it's because of that that I feel no guilt when criticizing people for their behaviour, whether they are neurotypical or not (self-diagnosed and/or misdiagnosed or actually diagnosed). And TBH I hate people who use their disorder as an excuse because they give a bad name to everyone who suffers from them, part of the reason why a lot of people prefer to keep it a private fact and pass as simply "weird" rather than having to discuss with people about it and being told they are a poser or a wannabe or that they're looking for excuses or romanticizing mental illnesses.
Most of them have got really angry at me for pointing out their shitty behaviour, and told me that I didn't understand because I was not "like them". They always make me laugh when they tell me that. And of course, when I tell them that I do have a disorder and that I've been actually diagnosed, the only thing they do is keep silent and look away.

This was half a rant, because, in case it was not clear, I tend to get really angry on this topic.


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## ponyjoyride (May 7, 2010)

Anxiety affects a person a lot more ways than just causing feelings of anxiety. Anxiety is mentally very taxing and it may be that she really just isn't able to control her emotions and behavior the same way a healthy person could, which will make her appear like a bitch. But I doubt it's only anxiety that makes her this way. The only person I know acted like a dick and explained it with his "anxiety" actually had two diagnosed personality disorders.


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## sez_mckez (May 7, 2015)

Harizu said:


> Yeah, I've had to deal with people like that. And I openly told them that their "mental illnesses" (the very big part of them were self-diagnosed people who hadn't made accurate researches and just diagnosed themselves with whatever shit they throught would fit best as an excuse) were not an excuse for their shitty behaviour.


Thanks for your honesty. I did actually think about her giving anxiety a bad name the way she used it as an excuse for bad behaviour. I'm no expert on mental illness, hence why I asked the question here, but I couldn't help but think it was more her shitty personality than an anxiety issue.

My Uncle was intellectually disabled and my Dad's only sibling, so from a very young age I learnt about disabilities, and how people and their families deal with them. I learnt a lot from my Uncle and interacting with him and though he passed about 15 years ago, I will have a soft spot for him and others who are disabled.


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## ShadowsRunner (Apr 24, 2013)

Smoke weed eeevvryday


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## bigstupidgrin (Sep 26, 2014)

My ex claimed to be depressed and used that as an excuse quite a bit. I have no evidence that she was or wasn't officially diagnosed as such. 

My wife is bi-polar 1 (on top of having anxiety), never uses it as an excuse, isn't sensitive to discussing it, and is just awesome in general .

It's a give+take relationship. One extreme is to tell people with mental diseases to "suck it up". Another is the excuse you talked about. Neither are correct.


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## sez_mckez (May 7, 2015)

bigstupidgrin said:


> It's a give+take relationship. One extreme is to tell people with mental diseases to "suck it up". Another is the excuse you talked about. Neither are correct.


Yep I completely agree. I wouldn't tell her to suck it up as I don't have much of a relationship with her. If it were a close friend and I thought they were being unreasonable then I would confront them about their behaviour.


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## conscius (Apr 20, 2010)

Couple times I've meant to comment on this but each time I don't. It's a complex issue. I think to the extent that it affects you, you can deal with it. Otherwise it's their relationship. Unless you see severe levels of abuse and you really worry for a person's well-being, in which case you need call the authorities, best not get involved with other people's relationships.


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## sez_mckez (May 7, 2015)

conscius said:


> Couple times I've meant to comment on this but each time I don't. It's a complex issue. I think to the extent that it affects you, you can deal with it. Otherwise it's their relationship. Unless you see severe levels of abuse and you really worry for a person's well-being, in which case you need call the authorities, best not get involved with other people's relationships.


I was more coming from the angle of anxiety as an excuse in general, not what I should do with my housemates. I needed to explain my housemate and her actions to paint a picture of her not ask if I should meddle. I guess I was initially shocked that someone would use a mental illness as an excuse.


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## thejokerdud (Jul 20, 2015)

I have dealt with people like that in my school who just use anxiety as an excuse. Honestly sometimes people like this don't have anxiety at all; They have either Social anxiety as a whole making it impossible for them to go out of their rooms, or they have some other disorder making them be an actual rude person in a unconscious level. 

My guess is the other disorder for her, and she might not even know it at all.

sincerely
-M


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## Judson Joist (Oct 25, 2013)

I've known people like this and it infuriates me because it reinforces a social stigma that's unfair to those who truly suffer from depression and anxiety - the idea that they're just making excuses so they don't have to do certain things. Typically, those who truly suffer from depression or anxiety _*don't*_ think of themselves as handicapped and would resent the very implication. If they have a limitation, and they're aware of it and/or are comfortable with it, so be it. But there's no excuse for exploiting the good nature of other people.

Parasitism is the philosophy of nihilistic degenerates, not human beings.


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## Doran Seth (Apr 4, 2015)

I suffer from severe clinical depression and anxiety and I really hate how those terms are thrown around so casually by those looking for an excuse. Depression and anxiety are already not taken as seriously as other mental health problems by the general public and the excuse seekers just make matters worse. 

I took a makeup exam in linear algebra once while my professor was grading his calculus II exams with other professors within earshot. He told the others about one of his calc II students who didn't show up for the final exam and emailed him two days later claiming he did not take the exam because he had depression and he had a doctor's note confirming it. My professor asked to see the note and it was nearly a year old. I thought it was pretty funny actually.

I knew a guy my freshman year in college who was bipolar and refused to take any medication. He was also a complete ass who was inconsiderate of everyone else and intolerant of anything he did not understand or approve of. Whenever people confronted him about his behavior he would bring up his bipolar disorder and previous suicide attempt and just generally play the victim. Even if you have mental illness or any other issue it does not excuse mistreatment of others.


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## sez_mckez (May 7, 2015)

Doran Seth said:


> Even if you have mental illness or any other issue it does not excuse mistreatment of others.


I think you hit the nail on the head. It's the whole playing victim card which I really don't like.


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