# Reasons Why Our Behavior Changes Around People



## doublejm1 (Sep 2, 2012)

I'm a big psychology geek (I minored in it) and enjoy observing human behavior. Lately I've noticed that many of my friends tend to act a certain way when I'm having one-to-one conversations with them, but behave differently when they're in the presence of other people. This phenomenon is discussed in more detail here:

I've especially noticed this in the workplace. Some people are nice and polite when having one-to-one conversations, but become jerks when they're around others who act like jerks themselves. I feel it's because people have an innate drive to fit in, and in the end, they're looking out for themselves. 

The mindset is something along these lines: "If the jerk in accounting can help me get a promotion, I'll try to mirror his personality as much as possible -- whether by telling similar jokes, acting as silly as he does, etc. That way, he'll like me more and thus do his part to get me the promotion."

It's amazing how people take on different personas when it's most convenient for them.

Have you guys noticed this in anyone you know?


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## Depresso (Jun 18, 2011)

Yes all the time. I enjoy having 1 v 1 conversations more because when I'm around more than one person I become a target. The person that I was having a decent conversation with all of a sudden starts breaking my balls in front of others. But I must admit I probably do it too sometimes.


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## Jane the Ripper (Mar 19, 2013)

I'll be one of those people, but very rarely would I bring someone down to bring myself up. I have a code that I live by and belittling others is not part of it. That being said, I am not blind to the things that happen around me. I'll happily call out the person doing so. 

But yeah, in the corporate world, if you're not getting your ass kissed then you're kissing someone else's.


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## Animus Tigridis (Apr 5, 2013)

Mirror neurons ensure that a portion of what we experience of self is actually external to our physical bodies. We can't say where one brain begins and another brain ends functionally once people come together, making identity somewhat of a flawed paradigm. Think of it like a biological wifi capability, with brains constantly trying to sync with each other over this network.

See more here:

youtube.com/watch?v=oPEdDcs_8ZQ


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## Ace Face (Nov 13, 2011)

doublejm1 said:


> Have you guys noticed this in anyone you know?


Yes, myself. I have recently come to the realization that I do those sorts of things in order to preserve my personal sense of self. I'm not sure why, but I do rather like knowing that noone knows the real me except for the few who are close to me. I want to know who _wants_ to be close to me. If they make the effort to get close, and I find that they're trustworthy, I'll start showing my true colors... the good, the bad, and the ugly.


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## Moss Icon (Mar 29, 2011)

Yeah, everybody does it. It's only natural. People are different, thus we relate to them in different ways, meaning we act differently with different people. Sometimes it's a conscious choice, sometimes it's just whatever part of ourselves is most naturally suited to the person we're with, or how we cope with Introverted VS Extroverted situations.

I tend to think the people we connect best with are the ones who connect with and draw out the most of our inner selves - the parts of us that, to us, feel most "like us."


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## LadyO.W.BernieBro (Sep 4, 2010)

Yes, l'm like that.

But l tend to avoid very obvious phony behavior or doing it for my own advantage.

l would say l naturally take on the character traits of others.

lt's easy to spot people who really aren't good at being anything but themselves, which isn't a bad thing but when they try the behavior is so disingenuous

l can also be very neutral and hard to read, though. That's when l'm just analyzing.

l'm more likely to go into a neutral mode when interacting with someone who l think has a really forced social persona. There's a way certain people approach you and speak to you that suggests they want you to act the same way. l tend go pokerfaced around those types.


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## Jerzy Urban (Apr 6, 2013)

Why does our behavioral change around people? 

This is a pretty simple question if you ask me, although i dont have any education tin that particular area. 
Ill speak from my own perspective as this is the only perspective i really know.

I happen to be talking to a lot of different people, i have moved countries three times at this stage and i encounter different people from different back grounds, very distant to each other. My behaviour changes depending on the type of person i talk to. If i talk to a woman i like, who is fairly new to me, i tend to be really formal, this is because i dont know how far i can go with her, people are really fast to judge people so i wanna observe a little bit first. On the other hand if i talk to a girl i like but know really well, i tend to be a lot more humerus and a lot less formal even sneaking in a smart remark every now and then.

Not sure if i expressed my point the way i would like to, but, the main idea is that sometimes when people talk to other people they want to come across a certain way to other people, thats why they change their personalities a little bit, the word appropriate is also a really important word in this case, there is a number of things which are appropriate only is certain situations, when talking to certain people.

' You wouldnt go over to the Pope and say something like 'Hey whats up bro' because it would be inappropriate' - Steven 'Destiny' Bonnell


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## Little Cloud (Jan 12, 2013)

doublejm1 said:


> I'm a big psychology geek (I minored in it) and enjoy observing human behavior. Lately I've noticed that many of my friends tend to act a certain way when I'm having one-to-one conversations with them, but behave differently when they're in the presence of other people. This phenomenon is discussed in more detail here:
> 
> I've especially noticed this in the workplace. Some people are nice and polite when having one-to-one conversations, but become jerks when they're around others who act like jerks themselves. I feel it's because people have an innate drive to fit in, and in the end, they're looking out for themselves.
> 
> ...


Ok, that makes sense when a person changes his behaviour ,unconsciously, in order to "please" other. But if a person changes himself in a negative way because he knows that the person in front of you sees him in a negative way, what is the aim of changing himself?


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## Octavarium (Nov 27, 2012)

I do act differently around different people, but I'm not really capable of consciously taking on a persona, so for me it's more that people draw out parts of my personality that I might not normally express. I know people who seem to have entirely different personalities depending on who they're with. I can think of at least one person who I normally like, but I avoid when certain other people are around.


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## Cloudlight (Jan 5, 2011)

Mimesis - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Always a fun topic. Take it out of the psychological realm for a bit. I think one finds more answers to this question in a psycho-cultural approach.


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## doublejm1 (Sep 2, 2012)

I just learned that there's a term for this phenomenon in psychology - herd mentality.


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## doublejm1 (Sep 2, 2012)

Moss Icon said:


> Yeah, everybody does it. It's only natural. People are different, thus we relate to them in different ways, meaning we act differently with different people. Sometimes it's a conscious choice, sometimes it's just whatever part of ourselves is most naturally suited to the person we're with, or how we cope with Introverted VS Extroverted situations.
> 
> I tend to think the people we connect best with are the ones who connect with and draw out the most of our inner selves - the parts of us that, to us, feel most "like us."


Very true. We shouldn't be forced to behave in unnatural ways, though. I hate it when people act in a way that runs contrary to their true beliefs and personality just to impress others.


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## Old Intern (Nov 20, 2012)

*There is actually a positive, conscious spin that one could put on this topic.* The link from Op sounds a little like the author making excuses for someone else being a bully. For myself, maybe I didn't have enough of the up-side of this instinct growing up? -I couldn't use slang words without being self conscious about it. 

Anyway, I read somewhere (and I don't remember right now where) that people who do customer service, like wait tables, actually get better tips based on ability to mirror the attitudes (physiology) at each table. An obvious example would be to not appear too chipper and smiley, at a table where people are grieving or someone is obviously consoling somebody, and be a little more bawdy or assertive with a table of wise cracking partyers.

One thing I've learned to do in my own real life, is to tone down around people who seem introverted. This is purely a pragmatic choice. I've learned that some people need to feel that they have some space, or something like safety, or else you won't hear what they really think or get to know who they are. They might shut down. Other people I can be more unfiltered with because they are more comfortable with being assertive, or speaking their mind, or addressing a certain level of conflict? In the case of a mixed group, I find myself in the position of interpreter. - Defending good points not emphatically made, softening other things I believe to be true?

This is harder to do on-line without body language; but I have more Fe than when I was young?


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## benoticed (Nov 14, 2012)

doublejm1 said:


> I just learned that there's a term for this phenomenon in psychology - herd mentality.


I'll look more into this


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## nonnaci (Sep 25, 2011)

Not just between groups of people but with different individuals as well. Much of it comes from Transference - Wikipedia, the free ************ and in object-relation theory, what we perceive the other person to be and their relation to us. The group dynamic is an adaptation to a collective standard (which has a basis spanning the common assumptions held/assumed by the individuals). This is one reason why I tend to stay away from groups as it either hits the Fe too directly unless the dynamic is experiential in nature (like playing a game).


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## countrygirl90 (Oct 11, 2012)

Well I think my behavior doesn't changes so much , whether a person is elder or young adult ,a boss type person or ordinary vendor, my way of dealing with them remains same .I don't act partial between people ,because I like to be honest as it makes me satisfied,happy and comfortable with myself .
But I do bear repercussions of my such behavior sometimes .


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## CaptSwan (Mar 31, 2013)

Everyone does it; the difference lies on the person we're interacting with. For example, if you're with "the guys", you're going to talk and behave in relation to the context you're located in; and if you're talking with "the girls", you have to adapt to the present context. However, somebody can be super polite (to the point of it being ridiculous), to say simple funny comments with a group of strangers; and be absolutely sarcastic, hilarious with his or her group of friends. It's all about location, location, location.


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## doublejm1 (Sep 2, 2012)

Old Intern said:


> Anyway, I read somewhere (and I don't remember right now where) that people who do customer service, like wait tables, actually get better tips based on ability to mirror the attitudes (physiology) at each table. An obvious example would be to not appear too chipper and smiley, at a table where people are grieving or someone is obviously consoling somebody, and be a little more bawdy or assertive with a table of wise cracking partyers.


This makes perfect sense. However, it isn't always easy to tell whether someone might be grieving the loss of a relative, just as it might be difficult to distinguish a party animal from a bookworm. I can see how mirroring someone's personality might score you brownie points with him or her, but don't you think this might backfire? For example, it's very easy for me to see through one's facade; I can usually tell when someone is just being extra nice because the individual wants something.


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## Old Intern (Nov 20, 2012)

doublejm1 said:


> This makes perfect sense. However, it isn't always easy to tell whether someone might be grieving the loss of a relative, just as it might be difficult to distinguish a party animal from a bookworm. I can see how mirroring someone's personality might score you brownie points with him or her, but don't you think this might backfire? For example, it's very easy for me to see through one's facade; I can usually tell when someone is just being extra nice because the individual wants something.


It's not easy for an "N" to be aware of physiology (the mood at the table for example, not personality). This is where Fe comes in. I'm not saying I'm any good at this, I just wonder if some people don't use a kind of sour grapes defense because they don't understand a few basics of getting along with people. Mirroring, in this case is a skill; It's not about being a bully, or a brain-dead suck up, or possessing a lack of integrity.

Of course that's not to say there are not all of the above kinds of people in the world too.


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## perfectcircle (Jan 5, 2011)

Almost everyone, including myself, to varying degrees. Often people sync up on common denominators or styles, even senses of humor or on what conversational topics are "safe". Sometimes it's unnerving, other times not.


I draw the line though at being mean to other people or denigrating once the audience changes... (example, in the article you linked, the man was talking about a polite co-worker making his quietness a target when with some rowdy pranksters because it helps him distinguish himself as "fitting in"). It's part of human nature and born of insecurity, so of course I've done it, but it's shitty awful behavior and people should strive to be above it. It's also something that people allow, if someone is the better person in public and is nice and inclusive and doesn't jump on shaming bandwagons, it makes the person who was shaming look like an as$hole. Sometimes I end up doing that myself, and if it's brought to my attention I feel deep shame. Maybe it's not fair, but if I see someone doing this, I don't want to be friends with them. the people that are most socially liked have developed their skills and confidence to where they are friendly to everyone-- do they treat others the same or give others the same amount of attention, no, but they aren't mean to others to boost themselves up.

I don't really mind if someone changes to fit another person or group that I'm not comfortable or able to adapt to in that moment, but if they make a big deal of me not doing it, they're behaving really immaturely.. I really think it's high school behavior that if an adult is still using, they need to re-evaluate themself. An example is my enfp friend was going on a dance-date with her boyfriend some time ago and her infj female friend was going as well, but she didn't find a date in time, so she asked me to go with the infj female friend as a "friend date" because we all know each other and it was supposed to be a fun friendly outing with the four of us, who all knew each other at least somewhat. Turns out her boyfriend was merging our group with his old group of friends, so four or so more couples that initially planned, some of who I didn't even know by name, and they were all legitimate male-female date couples. They all knew eachother and were talking. me and my enfp friend's infj friend sat down together at the pre-dance dinner table, and our enfp friend totally removed herself from us and sat at the opposite end with her boyfriends friends, which put us in an awkward position because we were not a couple, were not that close, and had come there with and for her, and others weren't makign an effort to include us because they were a happy little group of exclusive friends. we weren't uncomfortable, but we weren't talkative either, and maybe a little hurt or off-put by the behavior of our enfp friend-- why wouldn't she sit with us, she was the infjs and mine closest friend at the time. She looked over at us, saw us eating with minimal conversation, and rattled off some weird joke about "look at you two looking so awkward/uncomfortable, lighten up geez" and also highlighting that we were both girls together, and the people sitting around her made polite laughter. It was totally humiliating, because it wasn't awkward for anyone until she made that judgement and put it out there, that for being quiet or without dates we were "weird"-- I even had a boyfriend at the time, I'd just gone to be nice, and so did her infj friend! this friend would also make demeaning comments about her infj friend for being awkward or quiet at times, when it was the enfp who was making the situation awkward in my opinion by demanding the infj talk when there was nothing for her to say, and putting negative judgement out there in public-- totally rude!! 
But when she made comments like these, it would make me feel looked down upon and judged, and really shameful and embarrassed, even if I was also angry and thinking it was stupid.... I know people do this often, and unfortunately, they often do it to quiet people or people who appear 'awkward' or 'uncomfortable'. This is a bias that really makes me so angry, because of the expectation a person shouldn't be that way.

Ugh it makes me so mad I can't speak!


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## Peter (Feb 27, 2010)

doublejm1 said:


> I'm a big psychology geek (I minored in it) and enjoy observing human behavior. Lately I've noticed that many of my friends tend to act a certain way when I'm having one-to-one conversations with them, but behave differently when they're in the presence of other people. This phenomenon is discussed in more detail here:
> 
> I've especially noticed this in the workplace. Some people are nice and polite when having one-to-one conversations, but become jerks when they're around others who act like jerks themselves. I feel it's because people have an innate drive to fit in, and in the end, they're looking out for themselves.
> 
> ...


Yep, that's pretty common behavior and one of the most annoying things there are. Somebody can be the nicest person to you in once situation and pretend like you don't exist in another. (extreme example but it does happen.)

And if you ask them about it, you´re the one that's rude. 

I probably don't get appreciated for saying this, but in my experience that's something more specific to F's than to T's, but when T's do it, they often aren't even aware of it while when F's do it, they tend to compensate for it later by being extra nice.


And as I read in another post,.... I probably do this myself sometimes too, because it is in the end pretty standard human behavior. But I still hate it and when I notice it in myself I tell myself to never do that again.


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## doublejm1 (Sep 2, 2012)

Peter said:


> Yep, that's pretty common behavior and one of the most annoying things there are. Somebody can be the nicest person to you in once situation and pretend like you don't exist in another. (extreme example but it does happen.)
> 
> And if you ask them about it, you´re the one that's rude.
> 
> ...


Couldn't agree with you more. I hate it when I notice it in myself as well. It makes me feel as though I'm selling out.


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## doublejm1 (Sep 2, 2012)

adverseaffects said:


> I draw the line though at being mean to other people or denigrating once the audience changes... (example, in the article you linked, the man was talking about a polite co-worker making his quietness a target when with some rowdy pranksters because it helps him distinguish himself as "fitting in"). It's part of human nature and born of insecurity, so of course I've done it, but it's shitty awful behavior and people should strive to be above it.


It sure is. We should all aspire to something better than that.


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## doublejm1 (Sep 2, 2012)

benoticed said:


> I'll look more into this


It's definitely something that deserves consideration when one is studying group dynamics.


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## doublejm1 (Sep 2, 2012)

Old Intern said:


> One thing I've learned to do in my own real life, is to tone down around people who seem introverted. This is purely a pragmatic choice. I've learned that some people need to feel that they have some space, or something like safety, or else you won't hear what they really think or get to know who they are. They might shut down.
> This is harder to do on-line without body language; but I have more Fe than when I was young?


As as a self-admitted introvert, I can honestly say you're on the money.


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## INFJAnimal (May 5, 2010)

I think people do it to "fit in" to a group mentality. Humans will always be pack oriented. They hunted in packs in prehistoric times. That's how they brought home food. The ones who didn't toe the pack mentality were shunned. Continues to this very day even though we work at "jobs" to bring home "food". 

Me, I'm a "lone-wolf" type of person. In RL, I'm the guy with the camera at 6AM in the morning pursuing wildlife to imprint on my camera sensor. My family is my pack and that's all I need. I refuse to change who I am for anyone else.


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## doublejm1 (Sep 2, 2012)

INFJAnimal said:


> I think people do it to "fit in" to a group mentality. Humans will always be pack oriented. They hunted in packs in prehistoric times. That's how they brought home food. The ones who didn't toe the pack mentality were shunned. Continues to this very day even though we work at "jobs" to bring home "food".
> 
> Me, I'm a "lone-wolf" type of person. In RL, I'm the guy with the camera at 6AM in the morning pursuing wildlife to imprint on my camera sensor. My family is my pack and that's all I need. I refuse to change who I am for anyone else.


Couldn't have said it any better myself. I'm the same way!


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## Bear987 (May 13, 2012)

I do it myself all the time. I am like a ninja that way. Or a fraud, depending on how you feel about me. One of the main reasons I shift gears among different people is that I don't want them to see me or get to know me in a certain way. I have become very very cautious.


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## StElmosDream (May 26, 2012)

Social advantages or needs changing, for example yesterday I was very quiet with volunteering colleagues needing more thinking time to work on autopilot, other times there is little to gain from showing my intellectually curious self or naturally instructing others needlessly when one has to prioritise what is shown to suit a situation (well that and how retail favours xSFP people skills at times).


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## doublejm1 (Sep 2, 2012)

Bear987 said:


> I do it myself all the time. I am like a ninja that way. Or a fraud, depending on how you feel about me. One of the main reasons I shift gears among different people is that I don't want them to see me or get to know me in a certain way. I have become very very cautious.


In other words, you like being unpredictable?


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## doublejm1 (Sep 2, 2012)

CaptSwan said:


> Everyone does it; the difference lies on the person we're interacting with. For example, if you're with "the guys", you're going to talk and behave in relation to the context you're located in; and if you're talking with "the girls", you have to adapt to the present context. However, somebody can be super polite (to the point of it being ridiculous), to say simple funny comments with a group of strangers; and be absolutely sarcastic, hilarious with his or her group of friends. It's all about location, location, location.


True -- it's all about context. But I've noticed that the people I respect the most are those who are themselves no matter what the social context. A rare breed indeed.


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## CaptSwan (Mar 31, 2013)

doublejm1 said:


> True -- it's all about context. But I've noticed that the people I respect the most are those who are themselves no matter what the social context. A rare breed indeed.


They can be a BIG part of themselves... But, noone is fully themself when in public.


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## Coldspot (Nov 7, 2011)

CaptSwan said:


> They can be a BIG part of themselves... But, noone is fully themself when in public.


I agree with this, but also that no one is fully themselves when alone either.

We all wear a wide assortment of faces, none of them containing the pure essence of ourselves. Each of them represents a part of yourself. No matter how much you try to act different from yourself, there is always a sliver of truth in there. Who you are isn't what you are like at a given point in time but rather what you are like over the course of your life.


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## unoriginal (Dec 22, 2013)

Because we're supposed to duh.


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## doublejm1 (Sep 2, 2012)

Coldspot said:


> I agree with this, but also that no one is fully themselves when alone either.
> 
> We all wear a wide assortment of faces, none of them containing the pure essence of ourselves. Each of them represents a part of yourself. No matter how much you try to act different from yourself, there is always a sliver of truth in there. Who you are isn't what you are like at a given point in time but rather what you are like over the course of your life.


I disagree with your first point. I'd say I'm definitely myself when alone. When I'm around a group of people? Different story. I try to act more friendly and gregarious than I really am.


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## doublejm1 (Sep 2, 2012)

Has anyone else seen this notion of a "herd mentality" in the workplace?


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## Bago (Aug 30, 2011)

doublejm1 said:


> I'm a big psychology geek (I minored in it) and enjoy observing human behavior. Lately I've noticed that many of my friends tend to act a certain way when I'm having one-to-one conversations with them, but behave differently when they're in the presence of other people. This phenomenon is discussed in more detail here:
> 
> I've especially noticed this in the workplace. Some people are nice and polite when having one-to-one conversations, but become jerks when they're around others who act like jerks themselves. I feel it's because people have an innate drive to fit in, and in the end, they're looking out for themselves.
> 
> ...


Of course. It is called "self preservation". 
People who do this is also said to be without characters. You can do a little bit just to make sure the other person feels at ease and so forth, but sooner or later your own personality comes out more and more often and cannot actually be held back too. There are also times whereby you do not wish to speak about certain topics with certain people etc. For me, I do not talk girly subjects with my boss say. The context is different, and they cannot relate etc. 

We have different people in our lives to give us different meanings and experiences.


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## Bago (Aug 30, 2011)

doublejm1 said:


> Has anyone else seen this notion of a "herd mentality" in the workplace?


Yes. If you do not stop to think about it, then you won't see it. But if you stop and think about it, it does happen. 
I remember reading a book once on programming and it talked of group dynamics and the effectiveness of a team. People's reaction towards one another does affect performances, and it does affect productivities in the workplace too. Socially, I am sure that it does affect people as well. If you want to see how group behaves in the organisation, I think there is a subject study classified as "organisational behaviour". Which is the study of psychology within the workplace.


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## doublejm1 (Sep 2, 2012)

Bago said:


> Of course. It is called "self preservation".
> People who do this is also said to be without characters. You can do a little bit just to make sure the other person feels at ease and so forth, but sooner or later your own personality comes out more and more often and cannot actually be held back too. There are also times whereby you do not wish to speak about certain topics with certain people etc. For me, I do not talk girly subjects with my boss say. The context is different, and they cannot relate etc.
> 
> We have different people in our lives to give us different meanings and experiences.


This is true. It's funny you mentioned your boss because that applies to me as well. My supervisor is a 63-year old lady who's been married 3 times and spouts off about little else but shopping and family drama. I, on, the other hand, love discussing deep subjects like politics, psychology, history, etc., not to mention sports.


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## doublejm1 (Sep 2, 2012)

StElmosDream said:


> Social advantages or needs changing, for example yesterday I was very quiet with volunteering colleagues needing more thinking time to work on autopilot, other times there is little to gain from showing my intellectually curious self or naturally instructing others needlessly when one has to prioritise what is shown to suit a situation (well that and how retail favours xSFP people skills at times).


Good point!


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