# N starving intellectually dating an S, but S happy.



## NightOwl23 (Oct 9, 2012)

So, has anyone else found this? My S bf is perfectly happy with the relationship (and verbalizes this a lot), whereas I feel 'starved', so to speak, for intellectual stimulation. I feel I have to go to the Ns in my life to bounce weird theories and imaginative whimsy off of..... I know there are types to consider, but do Ns in general find this with S's? We are also both Is and Ts, but I can't get over how, despite these similarities, the lack of N seems to be leaving me feeling like this.:S Also, are Ns in general less content in their relationships?

As a disclaimer, I'm not saying that S's can't be intellectual, hence my 'starvation.' I've met tons of S's that are super intelligent, my bf included....it's just that I find the way we implement that intelligence in regards to communication, interests, and imagination is very different? I've found this pattern with other S's I know as well....I'm just bringing this to the board because I find the S's I know aren't overly intrigued by theorizing like this, and I'm interested to know others' (particularly NTs') thoughts


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## day_dreamer (Nov 8, 2010)

I have dated 'S'es and 'N's and I am discontent with both in general. I guess the problem lies with my expectations being too high. 

And yes, 'S' are good to have fun with and everything. But after sometime, there isn't much to talk about as their topic of discussions don't interest me much (other people, money, fashion, sports, scandals, "happening" stuff). With NTJs, they don't like talking about random stuff unless it can be 'used' in some ways. NTPs are always lost in thoughts or in their own dreams. NFs seem to have patience and genuine interest in such stuff (though I am not sure about NFJs).


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## g_w (Apr 16, 2013)

NightOwl23 said:


> So, has anyone else found this? My S bf is perfectly happy with the relationship (and verbalizes this a lot), whereas I feel 'starved', so to speak, for intellectual stimulation. I feel I have to go to the Ns in my life to bounce weird theories and imaginative whimsy off of..... I know there are types to consider, but do Ns in general find this with S's? We are also both Is and Ts, but I can't get over how, despite these similarities, the lack of N seems to be leaving me feeling like this.:S Also, are Ns in general less content in their relationships?
> 
> As a disclaimer, I'm not saying that S's can't be intellectual, hence my 'starvation.' I've met tons of S's that are super intelligent, my bf included....it's just that I find the way we implement that intelligence in regards to communication, interests, and imagination is very different? I've found this pattern with other S's I know as well....I'm just bringing this to the board because I find the S's I know aren't overly intrigued by theorizing like this, and I'm interested to know others' (particularly NTs') thoughts


I'm an INTJ married to an ISFJ (if I have her pegged right) for 27 years.
Yeah, the lack of intuition-led, imaginative discussions can be depressing.

This is me:









While this is my wife:









Hilarity ensues. 

On the other hand, since our cognitive functions are exact opposites, that means we make a world-class tag-team; there is very little in human endeavor that one or the other of us can't nail. We've taken over small continents in less than two weeks before.

The biggest thing is to learn the proper translation from their language and processing into yours -- and to apply it to anything they say *before* applying your own instinctive filters.


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## Bahburah (Jul 25, 2013)

Im generally interested in what others have to say when I'm in a one on one conversation with them. 
Even if there being a boring S I just starting using Ne to ask them questions that they would never think of. 
But this only really works if your comfortable with each other i think. 

I was in a band once with 2 people who you would have thought of as N's but i guess not... 
I would talk about what had been inspiring me and ask existential questions and would just get nothing. 
It was really shitty but I think it was because it was a weakness of theres to think that way and when I would ask questions it would be like putting it in there face. 

One of them really tried to seem spiritual but his definition of a deep conversation was discussing what each side of yin and yang meant and why each side had it's benefits.

Not very deep and the conversation was short. 

I quit that band for more reasons than that but I knew that I wasn't enjoying there company. 

But I do know that I enjoy the company of this ESFJ I have a thing with and one of my best friends who is ISFP. 

I think it all really depends on your taste when it comes to compatibly with people. 
Not that you need to have the same taste but a mutual respect/interest for there taste and vice versa.


It also depends on if you need/want that in a partner. 
I know that I'm thankful to be with an S because she brings me down to earth.


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## Alles_Paletti (May 15, 2013)

I don't share this experience. I like discussing with N-types just as much as S-types.

I have more trouble with E/I to be honest, if I'm stereotypical about it.

Extroverts seem to have less patience to just sit down and talk 1:1. And when they do they often dominate the conversation and don't listen well. Or twiddle with their phone or computer. 

Sometimes I even zone out and all I hear is *wordswordswordswords* :mellow:. Especially when they're in a group.

I normally much prefer introverts.


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## juilorain (Oct 29, 2013)

Then you need to find an ENTP. They make great 1:1 intellectual conversationalists for INTJ's.

Dated an ESFJ. Awful. Never again.

ESFJ: "So what are your favorite movies?"
me: "I don't know...I like Space Odyssey 2000, Silence of the Lambs..."
ESFJ: "So sci-fi?"
me: "More like movies that make you think."

*ESFJ face of horror and discomfort*

ESFJ: "Oh..."


Yeah. Not for me.

Though I do have a lot of S friends who can take up damn good intellectual conversations. N's, you just have to be patient and/or think about how the world around us influences us and society; S's have to be willing to try and explore our minds.


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## Mermerce (Nov 15, 2012)

juilorain said:


> Then you need to find an ENTP. They make great 1:1 intellectual conversationalists for INTJ's.


Someone prove this to me please.


 @_NightOwl23_ I dated an SP, never again. I thought his thought process was sexy until I met the NT/NFs.


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## Dalton (Jun 10, 2013)

g_w said:


> I'm an INTJ married to an ISFJ (if I have her pegged right) for 27 years.... The biggest thing is to learn the proper translation from their language and processing into yours -- and to apply it to anything they say *before* applying your own instinctive filters.


:shocked: 27 years??? That's amazing. I guess the source of your 'success' is the fact that you two actually care to follow the advice of translating the other's 'language' into your own before reacting. Once my apartment's lease ends, I'll be glad to run from the 3 sensors I live with.


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## juilorain (Oct 29, 2013)

Mermerce said:


> Someone prove this to me please.


Well proving something is impossible, but I will provide you with several arguments.

Let's look at functions! ENTP has Ne with Ti and INTJ has Ni with Te. Opposite, yes, but at the same time the same. Both are highly intuitive and highly intellectual people. ENTP's and INTJ's when working on the same wavelength will often put the INTJ's ideas to the test and suggest ways actually implementing them or challenging them to improve them. Not to mention in conversation, with N dom and T aux when coming up with ideas, they are quickly determined useful/useless and both can provide each other new and different ways of approaching the same problem.

If the ENTP is smart, then s/he will know when to stop talking and let you into the conversation. Most of the time we let you send in your two cents anyway. Though we tend to hold back if INTJ's start to get aggressive.


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## McSwiggins (Apr 2, 2013)

I have not done well dating S-es, simply because of their lack of imagination. It's really not intelligence -- the ones I date are smart. It's really just their lack of imagination and creativity, and their utter inability to maintain any conversation about anything theoretical or abstract. It's only a matter of time before I start feeling the psychological vacuum in the relationship. At that point my goal becomes extracting myself from the circumstances with the minimum amount of tears possible from the S.


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## Aradella (Nov 11, 2013)

*Dating Sensors*

I've dated an ENTP, INTP, ENTJ, ISTJ and can relate to the lack of imagination of some sensors. In my opinion and experience, this comes down to the practical use of the conversation topic and how the topic the application of the tools, happenings, people, politics discussed.

I highly prefer to date NT men personality, especially of the ENTP variety. Have yet to date an INTJ if ever. That's my 2 cents .


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## TheOwl (Nov 3, 2010)

My boyfriend is an ESTJ. He is just as intellectual as I am, but in a different way. He will watch documentaries with me about biology, but he's not as interested in thinking about abstract things. 

It doesn't really bother me, though. This has bothered me in the past when I dated an ISFP, but I suppose I'm happy enough about the other aspects of the relationship (like shared values, beliefs, and interests) that it doesn't this time. I think I actually kind of like being the "out there" one in the relationship for once (I dated a couple of NFPs lol). I prefer someone who is a little more grounded than I am but still appreciates the way I think (which he does).


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## Ice_Queen (Oct 10, 2013)

I could never stick with anyone and they all happened to be sensors (ESFJ, ISFJ, and ESTP). That doesn't even include the tons of guys I've been on dates with. So I haven't been with anyone or even gone out dating for closer to 6 years now. I didn't find out about MBTI until just 2 years ago, but I stopped what I was doing on the romantic side of things because it became blatantly clear that I was doing something wrong; I just didn't know exactly what it was that was leading me to choose partners I was not happy with and what types of partners would be right for me.

After the initial stage of the relationship, I became increasingly discontent and lonely. But I didn't know why. I would always get myself in trouble with my ESFJ ex husband because I liked to read. When I'd sit next to him, listening to he and his family talk, I would be bored half to death. I would eventually feel the same way with my ESTP bf after the divorce. It was a nagging feeling that kept getting worse that I had to leave. I just packed all my stuff and left after almost a year of living with him. I left my ex husband a month short of a year. The next ESFJ I got with, I became severely bored with in much less time than with the others and we got into big fights over my reading. I came to hate him for making me drop school. I just think by then I didn't have much in the way of reserves to keep up with the relationship as long as the others. 

Looking back, through the lens of MBTI, I understand why it never worked out for me. I remember feeling like I could never talk to any of them. They couldn't or didn't want to hear me. And they were oblivious to the fact that I was unhappy. 

I think that I might have tolerated these relationships longer if I had intuitives in my life (still don't have any now). However, I would have left all those relationships at any rate. I'm continuing my education and going down a very different path.


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## enigmawrappedinbacon (Sep 20, 2013)

Mermerce said:


> Someone prove this to me please. @_NightOwl23_ I dated an SP, never again. I thought his thought process was sexy until I met the NT/NFs.


I love INTJs. (Except the extreme cases with no F whatsoever but I've found ISFJs who wouldn't know empathy if it bit them on the ass.) I only date other NTs. (I'm a non-spazzy ENTP.) With ENTPs you might encounter the need to take some verbal breaks every so often from discussions of possibility of actually getting to Mars to consider what the social life would be like on Mars. Would people drink, go to bars? Would there be cool new ways of fermenting? Could you homebrew on Mars? and so on. But that's fun.


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## FallingSlowly (Jul 1, 2013)

No, not really.

I've had relationships with both N and S types, and I've had as many good experiences as I've had bad with both. In fact, I'd say that the N types I've been with were generally more complicated (and I'm fully aware that I can be complicated as well).

My current partner is ISFP, we've been with each other for years, and it's the intellectually most stimulating relationship I've ever had (and not just that). He's not Se dom, granted, but we share Se and Ni, and we're mature enough to adjust to each other...


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## enigmawrappedinbacon (Sep 20, 2013)

juilorain said:


> Well proving something is impossible, but I will provide you with several arguments.
> 
> Let's look at functions! ENTP has Ne with Ti and INTJ has Ni with Te. Opposite, yes, but at the same time the same. Both are highly intuitive and highly intellectual people. ENTP's and INTJ's when working on the same wavelength will often put the INTJ's ideas to the test and suggest ways actually implementing them or challenging them to improve them. Not to mention in conversation, with N dom and T aux when coming up with ideas, they are quickly determined useful/useless and both can provide each other new and different ways of approaching the same problem.
> 
> If the ENTP is smart, then s/he will know when to stop talking and let you into the conversation. Most of the time we let you send in your two cents anyway. Though we tend to hold back if INTJ's start to get aggressive.


Also, and I was thinking this a couple weeks ago, with ENTPs you don't have the steamroller problem of being an INTJ. Here's the theory. You need someone you're not going to be at loggerheads with all the time, but you don't want someone who's going to just say OK honey that sounds great and then a week later you find him or her sobbing in the bathroom and accusing you of bullying [pronoun]. ENTPs (in general--I think) are flexible enough to work well with a J, but don't get steamrolled and then get all weepy and blamey and dorky.


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## Manunkind (Jan 2, 2012)

I remember I dated an ESFJ, never again. The lack of anything intellectual drove me up the wall. I eventually just terminated him.

Currently I'm dating an ESTJ, things are perfectly fine. He is actually far more intellectually curious about things than most STs, which is nice. Of course once I start on a thought of conductive signals, his eyes just glaze over.


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## ChkChkBoom (Nov 10, 2013)

I've been with my ISTP husband for 10 years. While he doesn't show interest toward intellectual conversation, we still manage to find some ground. Sometimes he can go into philosophical mode and be incredibly enlightening. I use to be intellectually starved (and I'd even look down on him) until I learned to appreciate his way of thinking. Plus his handy man tendencies make up for it...amongst other things 

I've never been with an NT man, though I've been pursued by a few. It must be interesting to have endless intellectual conversation.


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## excowboy (Aug 29, 2011)

I wrangle with this issue. Disclaimer: I'm an INFJ, but I live the "NT lifestyle" sorta speak.

Dated an ESTP, which was fun as hell. The relationship was highly appealing to my Se -- enjoying great beer, exploring food, having lots of sensory experiences in the outside world, sharing constant jokes. But no amount of entertainment got me over the fact that I was utterly starved for some theoretical conversation. It was non-extant and trying to inject anything "intellectual" into our discourse was met with high mistrust and accusations of "pretentiousness." I became increasingly unhappy and started behaving like an INTJ -- effectively ending the relationship, with accusations of acting "like a robot."

I recently had a long-term relationship with an ENTP and it was everything I wanted. I was living in dialectical paradise, while also having the "fun" aspect like with the ESTP, but now with more depth! Unfortunately the ENTP had some personal problems that were insurmountable. But I think this is the type for me. Man I love ENTPs. I just wanna swim in a sea of 'em.


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## Elistra (Apr 6, 2013)

I don't understand what the point is in dating anyone who is incapable of satisfying intellectual conversation.

Sex? Go to a bar or 'take care of business' by yourself.
Someone to split rent with? Get a housemate or a better job.
Feels? Buy a pet.

Good intellectual conversation? Priceless.


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## monemi (Jun 24, 2013)

OrchestraInside said:


> Uh-huh. What I don't understand is where the ignorant monkey in my bathroom mirror comes from...


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## monemi (Jun 24, 2013)

OrchestraInside said:


> I prefer to ride the edge, keep my sarcasm as thin as possible; it's more fun. For me anyway...


You enjoy confrontation. Come on. Don't be shy now. Truth?


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## tangosthenes (Oct 29, 2011)

OrchestraInside said:


> Yeah, that's my hobby stuff. This is a bit more polished. I'm just having fun here, there's some part of my brain that likes to play a dick online occasionally. It's gets sort of embarrassing after a while, apologies. My sig does kind of warn people...


I'm coming from a bit different perspective than someone who understands the language, because i'm not at all familiar with slavic languages besides learning how to copy ips to get things cheaper, but it actually gains a bit of quality simply because I can't understand what you're saying.

Weird. 

I suppose it's the factor of really wanting to understand what the words you're saying are, but not wanting to actually understand your message, because it's likely I've heard it before and don't consider it interesting. Again, not being a dick. Or not intending it at least.


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## Caged Within (Aug 9, 2013)

OrchestraInside said:


> That would be speciesism, I believe. Don't all worms look alike to an eagle?


I didn't know worms can punch through other organisms, and create exact clones of themselves, in order to gain power and set up a final, epic showdown with the eagle that'll decide the collective fates of all sentient beings on Earth. Meh. No worries. The eagle will win. Know why? 'Murica. That's why.


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## Dosto Yevsky (Feb 9, 2014)

monemi said:


> You enjoy confrontation. Come on. Don't be shy now. Truth?


Hell yeah!


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## Dosto Yevsky (Feb 9, 2014)

tangosthenes said:


> I'm coming from a bit different perspective than someone who understands the language, because i'm not at all familiar with slavic languages besides learning how to copy ips to get things cheaper, but it actually gains a bit of quality simply because I can't understand what you're saying.
> 
> Weird.
> 
> I suppose it's the factor of really wanting to understand what the words you're saying are, but not wanting to actually understand your message, because it's likely I've heard it before and don't consider it interesting. Again, not being a dick. Or not intending it at least.


It's just a thing I did for a friend, though I obviously support the message.


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## monemi (Jun 24, 2013)

Caged Within said:


> I didn't know worms can punch through other organisms, and create exact clones of themselves, in order to gain power and set up a final, epic showdown with the eagle that'll decide the collective fates of all sentient beings on Earth. Meh. No worries. The eagle will win. Know why? 'Murica. That's why.


Signature XSTP logic. Works for me.


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## monemi (Jun 24, 2013)

OrchestraInside said:


> Hell yeah!











By the power of Grey Skull... I have the power!

I miss He-Man. I never really got over him. Leeloo was pretty cool though.


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## Caged Within (Aug 9, 2013)

OrchestraInside said:


> Hell yeah!





monemi said:


> By the power of Grey Skull... I have the power!


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## monemi (Jun 24, 2013)

Caged Within said:


>


It's a miracle! He can walk!

Time for some battle cries!

Fire at their balls!

Spooooooon!

Not the face!

Today is a good day to die!

Eat shit and die!

Runaway!

Leeeroy Jennnkins!

This is where we fight. This is where they die!

My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

You stay here, I'll go get help!

Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!

No Prisoners!

Advance to the rear!

Dieu et mon droit!

Kiss my arse!


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## catherder (Jun 30, 2012)

this is *really* how i feel honestly when i date S.

its not a bad thing, in fact it is VERY simple..probably the best. dating an S especially if its ST is less complicated!

but i do starve for intellectual conversations..that can go on for hours and sometimes daily.


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## -Alpha- (Dec 30, 2013)

I don't think of Ss as inherently less intelligent. Its sort of like this: I think of N and S as different wavelengths for their interactions. Sensors are rooted here and now in the physical world. They like the things that are happening around them. They like events, sights, sounds and the like. Ns, as you know are caught in theories, abstraction, meaning, symbolism. We like things that haven't happened and things that might not ever happen. It's my opinion that these things are romantisized in our society as something only 'smart' people value when in actuality it has more to do with were our focus is.

Being ENTJ, I collect shoes. My appreciation of them comes from the social status they bring me, the exclusivity, the perception of me by the people around me and how I can use that. The context.

A sensor might buy the same pair of shoes and enjoy the comfort, the style. They like the way they feel and whether or not they match with their outfits. The face value.

It's important to note we're all capable of appreciating both in varying capacities. The differences are not in intelligence, it's in the frequency we use to communicate. Personally, I'd wanna date Ns so when we talk about something in depth, I'll know we're talking about the same thing.

Also, a sensor helped me through most of my math classes in High School. Can't always intuit your way through that.


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## -Alpha- (Dec 30, 2013)

I hadn't realized that this thread had been derailed to the point of posting family guy videos.

Carry on.


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## Dosto Yevsky (Feb 9, 2014)

Darth Alpha said:


> I hadn't realized that this thread had been derailed to the point of posting family guy videos.
> 
> Carry on.


The Thread Derailment Squad, at your service 24/7.


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## monemi (Jun 24, 2013)

Darth Alpha said:


> Sensors are rooted here and now in the physical world. They like the things that are happening around them. They like events, sights, sounds and the like.


Like? More like I can't hide from the here and now. I can enjoy theories, abstraction, symbolism and meaning. But reality is calling and time stops for no man.


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## Dosto Yevsky (Feb 9, 2014)

monemi said:


> time stops for no man.


It sure does. You should join in on one of my trips sometime...


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## -Alpha- (Dec 30, 2013)

monemi said:


> Like? More like I can't hide from the here and now. I can enjoy theories, abstraction, symbolism and meaning. But reality is calling and time stops for no man.


Considering the audience (both Ss and Ns), I could have made the post friendlier to both orientations. When I say 'like', I mean 'they're focused on'. I also illustrated that everyone could do both in different capacities. Obviously if sensors werent able to intuit, going out and not being hit by a bus would be a huge issue. 

Additionally, if I couldn't sense, getting up or dressed in the morning wouldn't be possible. Probably just die of starvation.

My point is our focus is different. Sort of our mind's orientation. I don't love looking for context, meaning and information from every single change in the air. Makes my current job, which is mostly paperwork, daunting.

Its 6:00am where I am and I'm sleepy. I hope I didn't say anything offensive.


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## monemi (Jun 24, 2013)

Darth Alpha said:


> Considering the audience (both Ss and Ns), I could have made the post friendlier to both orientations. When I say 'like', I mean 'they're focused on'. I also illustrated that everyone could do both in different capacities. Obviously if sensors werent able to intuit, going out and not being hit by a bus would be a huge issue.
> 
> Additionally, if I couldn't sense, getting up or dressed in the morning wouldn't be possible. Probably just die of starvation.
> 
> ...


Oh not offensive at all. Just making a point.


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