# How do you get over someone....



## SwimSwam (Mar 30, 2021)

My ex broke up with me over 6 months ago. Our relationship wasn't perfect but I still adored him and was NOT expecting the breakup to happen. I'm at the stage now where I don't feel completely heartbroken anymore, I'm not crying every day but I still have feelings for him. I'm treating the feelings like an unrequited crush (I admit they're there but nothing will come of it). But I feel like it holds me back. 

The thing is, I'm not sure WHY I'm so hung up over this guy. Even when we started dating he was talking to 2 other girls and I was the one he 'chose' (I look back and am thinking 'what on earth why did I settle for being an option? If he was looking at other girls he didn't like me THAT much!'); throughout our relationship there were issues with him....not cheating but I never felt like a priority, he would talk to girls he'd admit to having fancied (including his ex) and whilst I wouldn't tell someone who they can and can't talk to, I had had several conversations with him about how I wasn't comfortable that girls would flirt with him but he wouldn't set boundaries with them and say like 'oh I have a girlfriend, that's a bit inappropriate' and instead he'd sort of...go along with it? In the end I felt very insecure (I'd never had self confidence issues before but comments that had been made to me made me feel....inferior and like the reason I wasn't a priority is because I wasn't good enough or pretty enough) and even jealous.

We've been broken up for a while now but I still find the thought of him with someone else really hurts me. I read all of this back and think 'what....why am I so hung up on someone that made me feel that rubbish?' but I still have feelings for this guy and don't know how to make them go away. I work with him so I still see him and I don't want to make a fuss and refuse to speak to him or anything, I just want to act and feel....normal? But I don't know how to get over it.


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

One way that I've found works for getting over someone is to accept that who we are, doesn't meet their bar. This isn't a reflection on us but their subjective preferences where it's okay for everyone to have preferences, including ourselves. It also helps to analyze their preferences so we can see the areas where we're incompatible.


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## bleghc (Jan 2, 2015)

i don't


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## islandlight (Aug 13, 2013)

I think it's kind of normal to be hung up on the unavailable, the ambiguous, the frustrating.... I get that you didn't like the way he behaved, especially if you were loyal and tried to please him. But it takes two to tango.

As for getting over someone, it might require some conscious effort. For example, redirecting your thoughts elsewhere when you start daydreaming about the good times. Or, you could talk to people about what happened; their responses might be helpful. These two tactics might seem mutually exclusive, but you can do both. Good luck!


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## Summer70 (Feb 27, 2021)

Keeping going. Finding a fulfilling life balance that doesn't involve him. And... time.


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## ENTJudgement (Oct 6, 2013)

SwimSwam said:


> My ex broke up with me over 6 months ago. Our relationship wasn't perfect but I still adored him and was NOT expecting the breakup to happen. I'm at the stage now where I don't feel completely heartbroken anymore, I'm not crying every day but I still have feelings for him. I'm treating the feelings like an unrequited crush (I admit they're there but nothing will come of it). But I feel like it holds me back.
> 
> The thing is, I'm not sure WHY I'm so hung up over this guy. Even when we started dating he was talking to 2 other girls and I was the one he 'chose' (I look back and am thinking 'what on earth why did I settle for being an option? If he was looking at other girls he didn't like me THAT much!'); throughout our relationship there were issues with him....not cheating but I never felt like a priority, he would talk to girls he'd admit to having fancied (including his ex) and whilst I wouldn't tell someone who they can and can't talk to, I had had several conversations with him about how I wasn't comfortable that girls would flirt with him but he wouldn't set boundaries with them and say like 'oh I have a girlfriend, that's a bit inappropriate' and instead he'd sort of...go along with it? In the end I felt very insecure (I'd never had self confidence issues before but comments that had been made to me made me feel....inferior and like the reason I wasn't a priority is because I wasn't good enough or pretty enough) and even jealous.
> 
> We've been broken up for a while now but I still find the thought of him with someone else really hurts me. I read all of this back and think 'what....why am I so hung up on someone that made me feel that rubbish?' but I still have feelings for this guy and don't know how to make them go away. I work with him so I still see him and I don't want to make a fuss and refuse to speak to him or anything, I just want to act and feel....normal? But I don't know how to get over it.


Sounds like to me you like guys who treat you as an option coz that makes you think hes a high value guy coz other girls want him too but he "chose" you.
Ask yourself, do you have guys who are orbiting around you or simping hard for you and you dismiss them, kinda like annoying mosquitos? If you do then you're the type who wants the unavailable guy in high demand. This is a very common phenomenon.


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## SwimSwam (Mar 30, 2021)

ENTJudgement said:


> Sounds like to me you like guys who treat you as an option coz that makes you think hes a high value guy coz other girls want him too but he "chose" you.
> Ask yourself, do you have guys who are orbiting around you or simping hard for you and you dismiss them, kinda like annoying mosquitos? If you do then you're the type who wants the unavailable guy in high demand. This is a very common phenomenon.


Well you just described me to a tee! Day to day I get guys interested, sometimes even lovely guys who are genuine and would be great in a relationship but I'm just...not interested in them. So yeah when you get a guy who doesn't seem to show that interest- or more specifically a guy that every other girl seems to like (like you say it makes them seem 'high value' even though actually they weren't great value...). As much as I say 'I hate games', I guess I like the chase!


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

SwimSwam said:


> Well you just described me to a tee! Day to day I get guys interested, sometimes even lovely guys who are genuine and would be great in a relationship but I'm just...not interested in them. So yeah when you get a guy who doesn't seem to show that interest- or more specifically a guy that every other girl seems to like (like you say it makes them seem 'high value' even though actually they weren't great value...). As much as I say 'I hate games', *I guess I like the chase*!


Do you know this song?


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## Purrfessor (Jul 30, 2013)

Takes years sometimes?


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## ENTJudgement (Oct 6, 2013)

SwimSwam said:


> Well you just described me to a tee! Day to day I get guys interested, sometimes even lovely guys who are genuine and would be great in a relationship but I'm just...not interested in them. So yeah when you get a guy who doesn't seem to show that interest- or more specifically a guy that every other girl seems to like (like you say it makes them seem 'high value' even though actually they weren't great value...). As much as I say 'I hate games', I guess I like the chase!


Well I'm afraid you're essentially just screwing yourself over and it's going to be a never ending cycle until one day you become old and those beta orbiters dwindle 1 by 1 seen as most of them probably only wanted sex and didn't actually like u but doing the whole pretend 2 b a nice provider to get pussy tactic. Anyways, women are biologically on a tighter timer than men so I'd consider what I want in the future and make steps to get that result, do you want a family? Kids? Coz you only have until around 36-40 before that chapter closes on you.


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## MoStoner12 (Apr 24, 2021)

SwimSwam said:


> Well you just described me to a tee! Day to day I get guys interested, sometimes even lovely guys who are genuine and would be great in a relationship but I'm just...not interested in them. So yeah when you get a guy who doesn't seem to show that interest- or more specifically a guy that every other girl seems to like (like you say it makes them seem 'high value' even though actually they weren't great value...). As much as I say 'I hate games', I guess I like the chase!


i hate women 🤣


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## MoStoner12 (Apr 24, 2021)

ENTJudgement said:


> Well I'm afraid you're essentially just screwing yourself over and it's going to be a never ending cycle until one day you become old and those beta orbiters dwindle 1 by 1 seen as most of them probably only wanted sex and didn't actually like u but doing the whole pretend 2 b a nice provider to get pussy tactic. Anyways, women are biologically on a tighter timer than men so I'd consider what I want in the future and make steps to get that result, do you want a family? Kids? Coz you only have until around 36-40 before that chapter closes on you.


i feel perpetuating the myth that all men who show kindness to a woman only do it for sex is toxic in itself. women just dont respond to too much "niceness" like "i love you and want to be with you" for whatever reason that i am incapable of understanding with my small brain


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## ENTJudgement (Oct 6, 2013)

MoStoner12 said:


> i feel perpetuating the myth that all men who show kindness to a woman only do it for sex is toxic in itself. women just dont respond to too much "niceness" like "i love you and want to be with you" for whatever reason that i am incapable of understanding with my small brain


The point is if you switch out the chick for a dude or a old person, the simp immediately stops simping and thus you know hes only doing it for a potential chance at pussy. Obviously there are genuinely nice guys who are just nice to everyone, we are not referring to those kind of guys in this scenario.


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## MoStoner12 (Apr 24, 2021)

ENTJudgement said:


> The point is if you switch out the chick for a dude or a old person, the simp immediately stops simping and thus you know hes only doing it for a potential chance at pussy. Obviously there are genuinely nice guys who are just nice to everyone, we are not referring to those kind of guys in this scenario.


Fair enough, I think I get you 

I just think many women automatically view any form of kindness as simping these days. Which is often the case by not always 

(Just to be clear I’m not saying most women, but I am saying most men (60%) in that sentence)

but I’ve never seen kindness get a man laid anyway so....


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## pwowq (Aug 7, 2016)

SwimSwam said:


> My ex broke up with me over 6 months ago. Our relationship wasn't perfect but I still adored him and was NOT expecting the breakup to happen. I'm at the stage now where I don't feel completely heartbroken anymore, I'm not crying every day but I still have feelings for him. I'm treating the feelings like an unrequited crush (I admit they're there but nothing will come of it). But I feel like it holds me back.
> 
> The thing is, I'm not sure WHY I'm so hung up over this guy. Even when we started dating he was talking to 2 other girls and I was the one he 'chose' (I look back and am thinking 'what on earth why did I settle for being an option? If he was looking at other girls he didn't like me THAT much!'); throughout our relationship there were issues with him....not cheating but I never felt like a priority, he would talk to girls he'd admit to having fancied (including his ex) and whilst I wouldn't tell someone who they can and can't talk to, I had had several conversations with him about how I wasn't comfortable that girls would flirt with him but he wouldn't set boundaries with them and say like 'oh I have a girlfriend, that's a bit inappropriate' and instead he'd sort of...go along with it? In the end I felt very insecure (I'd never had self confidence issues before but comments that had been made to me made me feel....inferior and like the reason I wasn't a priority is because I wasn't good enough or pretty enough) and even jealous.
> 
> We've been broken up for a while now but I still find the thought of him with someone else really hurts me. I read all of this back and think 'what....why am I so hung up on someone that made me feel that rubbish?' but I still have feelings for this guy and don't know how to make them go away. I work with him so I still see him and I don't want to make a fuss and refuse to speak to him or anything, I just want to act and feel....normal? But I don't know how to get over it.


Too much "him". What about YOU? Focus on yourself. What do you do? Do you date? Do you see new people? Do you hang with friends, family and new people? Do you have good enough work to achieve in? Or do you have studies to focus on? Forget "him", embrace YOU.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

SwimSwam said:


> My ex broke up with me over 6 months ago. Our relationship wasn't perfect but I still adored him and was NOT expecting the breakup to happen. I'm at the stage now where I don't feel completely heartbroken anymore, I'm not crying every day but I still have feelings for him. I'm treating the feelings like an unrequited crush (I admit they're there but nothing will come of it). But I feel like it holds me back.
> 
> The thing is, I'm not sure WHY I'm so hung up over this guy. Even when we started dating he was talking to 2 other girls and I was the one he 'chose' (I look back and am thinking 'what on earth why did I settle for being an option? If he was looking at other girls he didn't like me THAT much!'); throughout our relationship there were issues with him....not cheating but I never felt like a priority, he would talk to girls he'd admit to having fancied (including his ex) and whilst I wouldn't tell someone who they can and can't talk to, I had had several conversations with him about how I wasn't comfortable that girls would flirt with him but he wouldn't set boundaries with them and say like 'oh I have a girlfriend, that's a bit inappropriate' and instead he'd sort of...go along with it? In the end I felt very insecure (I'd never had self confidence issues before but comments that had been made to me made me feel....inferior and like the reason I wasn't a priority is because I wasn't good enough or pretty enough) and even jealous.
> 
> We've been broken up for a while now but I still find the thought of him with someone else really hurts me. I read all of this back and think 'what....why am I so hung up on someone that made me feel that rubbish?' but I still have feelings for this guy and don't know how to make them go away. I work with him so I still see him and I don't want to make a fuss and refuse to speak to him or anything, I just want to act and feel....normal? But I don't know how to get over it.


You don't. You eventually just get used to them being gone.


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## Jabbadonut (Mar 23, 2021)

SwimSwam said:


> My ex broke up with me over 6 months ago. Our relationship wasn't perfect but I still adored him and was NOT expecting the breakup to happen. I'm at the stage now where I don't feel completely heartbroken anymore, I'm not crying every day but I still have feelings for him. I'm treating the feelings like an unrequited crush (I admit they're there but nothing will come of it). But I feel like it holds me back.
> 
> The thing is, I'm not sure WHY I'm so hung up over this guy. Even when we started dating he was talking to 2 other girls and I was the one he 'chose' (I look back and am thinking 'what on earth why did I settle for being an option? If he was looking at other girls he didn't like me THAT much!'); throughout our relationship there were issues with him....not cheating but I never felt like a priority, he would talk to girls he'd admit to having fancied (including his ex) and whilst I wouldn't tell someone who they can and can't talk to, I had had several conversations with him about how I wasn't comfortable that girls would flirt with him but he wouldn't set boundaries with them and say like 'oh I have a girlfriend, that's a bit inappropriate' and instead he'd sort of...go along with it? In the end I felt very insecure (I'd never had self confidence issues before but comments that had been made to me made me feel....inferior and like the reason I wasn't a priority is because I wasn't good enough or pretty enough) and even jealous.
> 
> We've been broken up for a while now but I still find the thought of him with someone else really hurts me. I read all of this back and think 'what....why am I so hung up on someone that made me feel that rubbish?' but I still have feelings for this guy and don't know how to make them go away. I work with him so I still see him and I don't want to make a fuss and refuse to speak to him or anything, I just want to act and feel....normal? But I don't know how to get over it.


You need to meet a man named Jack. As in Jack Daniels. He'll help you.


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## Swinterheart (May 4, 2021)

tanstaafl28 said:


> You don't. You eventually just get used to them being gone.


Hello


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

Swinterheart said:


> Hello
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Greetings! How are you?


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## Swinterheart (May 4, 2021)

tanstaafl28 said:


> Greetings! How are you?


I’m good thank you. New to Tapatalk but it’s very interesting.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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