# attracting married men or taken men



## pinkrasputin

SeekJess, I just rejected a married man TODAY, as in this morning. And guess what? He thinks I am playing "hard to get". 

Perhaps you attract guys because being a "bitch" and setting boundaries causes a lot of men, even married ones to be attracted to you. I've already explained WHY the married one's might have the "balls" to approach you first. I'm sure others like you as well, but I find the cocky womanizing assholes often know to step in first immediately cockblocking everyone else, including the genuine, less gifted "game players". 

Sometimes, I attract the wrong type, because I often shut the door and run away. For some, the "game" only increases and they become more attracted and pursue more. It sucks for me, because I don't intend for it to be a "game". I am really not attracted.


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## screamofconscious

strawberryLola said:


> Have you heard of the ring theory? I know this sounds piggish, but I had a talk about it with some previous colleagues.. the saying goes, "When you wear a ring, you attract more girls, because they think that since you are taken, then you must have something they want, but can't have.."
> 
> First time I heard this? I wanted to gag.. If anything, if I saw a guy wear a ring- it's automatic repellent.
> 
> SeekJess- I really don't think it's you.. sometimes, I think it's the part in some people to have the urge to want to see if they still have that pizzazz to attract/snatch other people.. like an ego feeding mechanism- it's a way to see if they still have the hot stuff..



That's interesting. Before I got married and put a ring on my finger, guys wouldn't leave me alone. Married, single, didn't matter. Soon as I got the ring on my finger, it stopped. Seriously. I've been hit on by 2 guys in the past 6 years. One of them didn't know I was married because my ring was in the shop for repair. The other one was just a dumbass who took my general friendliness as an open.


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## Dionysus

screamofconscious said:


> That's interesting. Before I got married and put a ring on my finger, guys wouldn't leave me alone. Married, single, didn't matter. Soon as I got the ring on my finger, it stopped. Seriously. I've been hit on by 2 guys in the past 6 years. One of them didn't know I was married because my ring was in the shop for repair. The other one was just a dumbass who took my general friendliness as an open.


it only goes for men...


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## screamofconscious

Dionysus said:


> it only goes for men...



And yet, I wouldn't touch an attached man with a ten foot pole.


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## pinkrasputin

Just wanted to add that the married man thinks I'm making a big mistake. He said he could "protect" me from all the assholes out there. Hahaha! I don't need to be with an asshole to protect me from an asshole. I just need my self respect, perhaps a fake wedding ring as well.


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## Neon Knight

pinkrasputin said:


> Just wanted to add that the married man thinks I'm making a big mistake. He said he could "protect" me from all the assholes out there. Hahaha! I don't need to be with an asshole to protect me from an asshole. I just need my self respect, perhaps a fake wedding ring as well.


Wahahahaha that's fucking rich...:dry:
I kept my engagement ring for that reason but from what I've read here and elsewhere it seems to be the opposite thing to do...


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## pinkrasputin

SuPERNaUT said:


> Wahahahaha that's fucking rich...:dry:
> I kept my engagement ring for that reason but from what I've read here and elsewhere it seems to be the opposite thing to do...


I was approached 1 time in the 8 years I was married. And it was a stalker with whom I had to deal with in court. NOT mentally stable. 

If guys approach you with a wedding band, they are pretty much slime. 

But I think I knew how to create a hedge around my relationship, learning to create a "hedge" around me has taken longer.


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## Neon Knight

pinkrasputin said:


> I was approached 1 time in the 8 years I was married. And it was a stalker with whom I had to deal with in court. NOT mentally stable.
> 
> If guys approach you with a wedding band, they are pretty much slime.
> 
> But I think I knew how to create a hedge around my relationship, learning to create a "hedge" around me has taken longer.


Ugh yeah stalkers truly suck, I'm lucky mine weren't that bad but one was scary as hell and the other I blame his mother for making him that way because she's just plain nuts and I saw her encourage him despite saying not a chance about 5 times in a row right to their faces...:frustrated:

Yeah but that doesn't stop them unfortunately but at least you get to know before hand that way I guess :tongue:

I found being with your SO all the time is probably 100%-ish effective lol


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## SeekJess

Dionysus said:


> if i have to define it for you, I'm suspecting you are it. it is the girl who is out and dressed to impress, yet waits for the show to come to her. she may give you one or two glances, but this is ambiguous. Most dudes are out looking for the sure thing that will not reject him, not a great challenge.
> 
> you should also work on attracting men on your own. if you like a guy who looks single, you can flirt with him. or give him the array of body language signals that I can never distinguish haha


 
I think its interesting how you keep blaming me. You're an awfully rude man.


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## Dionysus

glad we got to know eachother :wink:


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## DJArendee

Does it have something to do with where you live or work? Is it a male dominant location?


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## SeekJess

Well a friend and I were talking about this. And he thinks its because my mom was schizophrenic, so I had learn to adapt very quickly to whatever mood she was in. And in that I have learned to be very accepting. So when I meet these people, I accept them for who they are, and they subconsciously think I have no boundaries because I am so accepting, so they will act inappropriate in front of me. So I guess that also explains why I attract such nut-bags aswell...


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## Neon Knight

SeekJess said:


> And in that I have learned to be very accepting. So when I meet these people, I accept them for who they are, and they subconsciously think I have no boundaries because I am so accepting, so they will act inappropriate in front of me. So I guess that also explains why I attract such nut-bags aswell...


Crap this is starting to make sense now...don't worry you're not the only one.


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## pinkrasputin

Wow, I second what SuPERNaUT said. Good stuff, Seekjess. Let's stop being so damn accepting!


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## SeekJess

Well the person also said that this trait can be used for good, like maybe in my career I should do something where people need acceptance, but they'd also realize I have boundaries (because I do). People are always suggesting I go into law enforcement of some kind, because I have no problem facing confrontation.


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## Neon Knight

pinkrasputin said:


> Wow, I second what SuPERNaUT said. Good stuff, Seekjess. Let's stop being so damn accepting!


Yeah, it seems to be at least an ESFP flaw to take things and people at face value. :crazy:


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## PistisSophia

Oh, no...no taken men...my ego wouldn't allow me to have anything to do with someone elses man.


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## pinkrasputin

Honestly, the internet is a playground for attached people who can't get out of their home to cheat. I've noticed this on Facebook too.


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## Neon Knight

Yeah Facebook seems to be nothing more than a dating/whoring service for anyone willing :crazy:


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## Cheveyo

SeekJess said:


> Well a friend and I were talking about this. And he thinks its because my mom was schizophrenic, so I had learn to adapt very quickly to whatever mood she was in. And in that I have learned to be very accepting. So when I meet these people, I accept them for who they are, and they subconsciously think I have no boundaries because I am so accepting, so they will act inappropriate in front of me. So I guess that also explains why I attract such nut-bags aswell...




I had a feeling it might be something like this when I read the OP. Not about your mother, about how you act with people.
My ex had a similar problem. She'd get hit on quite often by guys she'd meet. They would always confuse her friendly, accepting personality for attraction. She'd complain about it from time to time. She wouldn't flirt, but they'd try and be all over her.

If you're anything like her, you wont be able to stop it from happening. As the only way you can really stop it is to stop being you. Stop being nice to people, stop being friendly and open. Not with everyone, just be a lot more selective about whom you show kindness to. Yes, in a perfect world this wouldn't be required, but we're not in a perfect world, are we?


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## SeekJess

Cheveyo said:


> I had a feeling it might be something like this when I read the OP. Not about your mother, about how you act with people.
> My ex had a similar problem. She'd get hit on quite often by guys she'd meet. They would always confuse her friendly, accepting personality for attraction. She'd complain about it from time to time. She wouldn't flirt, but they'd try and be all over her.
> 
> If you're anything like her, you wont be able to stop it from happening. As the only way you can really stop it is to stop being you. Stop being nice to people, stop being friendly and open. Not with everyone, just be a lot more selective about whom you show kindness to. Yes, in a perfect world this wouldn't be required, but we're not in a perfect world, are we?


yeah, wouldn't it be nice? hopefully when i get married it wont be so bad...


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## pinkrasputin

SeekJess said:


> yeah, wouldn't it be nice? hopefully when i get married it wont be so bad...


Honestly, I can relate so much. I think I feel "protected" from this when I am in a relationship. When I am not in one, I feel like too much is coming at me.


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## SeekJess

pinkrasputin said:


> Honestly, I can relate so much. I think I feel "protected" from this when I am in a relationship. When I am not in one, I feel like too much is coming at me.



Yeah, but whenever I am with someone in a relationship, I get approached more often. So me wearing a ring will probably only make it worse now that I think about it. Oh well, I guess we all want what we cant have. Too damn bad for them though.


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## AgAu

Are you sure all these married guys are really trying to pick you up? I'm married and I'll soft flirt with almost every woman I meet, hell I even do this with gay men and I have not even the slightest interest in that game. I'm not looking to cheat, I'm fishing for a smile and to make someone feel good about themselves. 

Sexual tension is a normal part of EVERY conversation. If you're the hot, young, single dreamboat that I'm imagining you as then how is any married man supposed to ignore the elephant in the room and treat you like their 90 year old grandma?


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## pinkrasputin

AgAu said:


> Are you sure all these married guys are really trying to pick you up? I'm married and I'll soft flirt with almost every woman I meet, hell I even do this with gay men and I have not even the slightest interest in that game. I'm not looking to cheat, I'm fishing for a smile and to make someone feel good about themselves.
> 
> Sexual tension is a normal part of EVERY conversation. If you're the hot, young, single dreamboat that I'm imagining you as then how is any married man supposed to ignore the elephant in the room and treat you like their 90 year old grandma?


Hahaha. I'm an ENFP as well. I tend to be ignorant and think nothing is "flirting" . However, once the cyber sex starts happening, I'm onto them!!! And I'm telling you, it's out there. These slimy attached men are more obvious. When a person starts saying their their heewho belongs in my heehaw they are not pulling my leg! :tongue:

And "sexual tension is a part of _every_ conversation" ??? Um.... no. Maybe for the man involved, but on my end I may be thinking he'd be my next new "gay buddy". I'm thinking we can do our hair together or go shopping or something. 

Dear God- @AgAu and @jack london. You two are a couple of my favorite and honorable peeps here. So relax, I don't think the OP or I are talking about men like you. You've never even flirted with me. :crying: Oh well I appreciate that, but let's do our nails together sometime, k? :laughing:


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## TreeBob

This is a very girl power thread. I think it is hard for anyone on the internet to give you an answer Jess. If we were there it would be quite simple. In all honesty I think you are flirting with them, be it unconscious or not. 

Maybe one of Dionysus's posts was a tad rude, but I don't think his points were any less valid.


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## AgAu

pinkrasputin said:


> Hahaha. I'm an ENFP as well. I tend to be ignorant and think nothing is "flirting" . However, once the cyber sex starts happening, I'm onto them!!! And I'm telling you, it's out there. These slimy attached men are more obvious. When a person starts saying their their heewho belongs in my heehaw they are not pulling my leg! :tongue:


I believe the proper terminology is to put the hooohooodilly into the woman's cha cha! And, yeah my flirting generally doesn't go there, and yuck if that's happening, count me on the bus - these guys do suck.



pinkrasputin said:


> And "sexual tension is a part of _every_ conversation" ??? Um.... no. Maybe for the man involved, but on my end I may be thinking he'd be my next new "gay buddy". I'm thinking we can do our hair together or go shopping or something.


OKOK, so the word EVERY is a slight exaggeration, I've been known to throw one or two of them out there to make a point now and then... :crazy:

I can see your point though, and it probably better describes my banter with gay men as well. Now, if only I had more hair to do something with. Maybe I could braid my chest hairs or something.



pinkrasputin said:


> Dear God- @AgAu and @jack london. You two are a couple of my favorite and honorable peeps here. So relax, I don't think the OP or I are talking about men like you. You've never even flirted with me. :crying: Oh well I appreciate that, but let's do our nails together sometime, k? :laughing:


hahahha Did I ever mention on here that I have had acrylics? If not, that was some pretty sick psychoanalysis going on there... Flirt with you? You're like my older sister I never had, we've already established that you crawl into my head and describe it's inner workings better than even I can at times. I can't flirt with you, I'm liable to get injured. Yep, if I ever meet you IRL we'll get a manicure done and talk about boys.

The thank you from JL spoke volumes to me too, thank you kind sir. 

Who are these freaky cheating married men then? I wish they'd post more often so we could figure them out.


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## pinkrasputin

Um, not that I think anyone here was blaming the victim *cough* TreeBob *cough* :crazy:

But I discovered it's no one's fault except Facebook's! :shocked: Look:

More People are Using Facebook to Cheat on Their Partners | Facebook Cheating

Facebook is the new cause of divorce | TheTechJournal.com

Omg. Who would be this stupid:

the facebook cheat

And I thought Facebook was just a vehicle to advertise to the world about my latest boyfriend or to do a "Facebook Break up". :tongue:

This is a pretty good one. I think this is the reason I never go to bed without having a good shag first with my partner. I love it that men (and me) tend to fall asleep afterwards. :wink: No one gets left alone on the computer. 

The Truth About Internet Affairs.


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## jack london

I would like to meet Pink but I think she and I would just try to one up each other's sex stories.


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## nameno1had

SuPERNaUT said:


> Yeah Facebook seems to be nothing more than a dating/whoring service for anyone willing :crazy:


A preview of the movie about its creation implied that it was to be a big part of its intended use for college kids to meet and mingle etc.(polite version)



SeekJess said:


> Okay, lately my only luck in the dating world has been attracting married men, and men with girlfriends. To me this is very frustrating, because I have never been a cheatee, and I never have approached men with girlfriends or wives. But this has been going on since I was sixteen, and I just don’t get what makes men seem to think I am a home wrecker. I guess guys, if you are a player (no grudges against you), what makes you approach a girl you would like to cheat with? I would like to know so I can maybe change my behavior, and not attract married men, or taken men. Also, what are traits in women that would make you think she’d be down with being a cheatee? I’d really like advice on this, because I am sick of meeting guys who I think are great, until the whole… I have a girl thing…


To me a woman who seems desperate or willing to easily accept and compromise would be an easier target than a woman with strict boundaries who doesn't appear to have a void in that area of fulfillment in her love life.The other thing that would be as I have experienced it, when you meet someone sometimes you just know that you'd like to(and you can tell there is mutual interest) and sometimes you explore whats stopping you.I think some people are easier to read than others.So if you appear to be interested than you can probably expect some reciprocity.And the bottom line too is some people want to get some on the side for various reasons.Add these together and it makes sense to me for you.



pinkrasputin said:


> So I just got off the phone with a guy who approached me on Facebook. We used to date eons ago. Good conversation. Apparently he would have once given up the world for me. And now he still thinks I'm gorgeous. He said that he's found it hard to find a woman to replace me over the years. He also mentioned that he had "baggage" right now. So I ask "What is your baggage?". Turns out he is married.
> 
> I had to come back here and write on this thread because I'm pissed. Is there a fucking reason he _had_ to contact me? I'm so lucky I'm single and can date anyone I want. I feel bad for his pathetic ass being trapped in a loveless marriage. Oh well sucks for him. NO EMPATHY.


I tend to think he contacted you in case his marriage went south so maybe you would have somehow felt in your heart that you and he were meant for each other and he had made a mistake and maybe there was a way of correcting it...and I also won't deny he might have very well cheated if he found it convienent


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## pinkrasputin

AgAu said:


> hahahha Did I ever mention on here that I have had acrylics?


You didn't have to. You are an ENFP male so that automatically makes you honorary gay. :laughing: 



jack london said:


> I would like to meet Pink but I think she and I would just try to one up each other's sex stories.


But you're an INTJ, so I'm assuming these stories must be from books? :tongue: :crazy:


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## nameno1had

pinkrasputin said:


> SeekJess, I just rejected a married man TODAY, as in this morning. And guess what? He thinks I am playing "hard to get".
> 
> Perhaps you attract guys because being a "bitch" and setting boundaries causes a lot of men, even married ones to be attracted to you. I've already explained WHY the married one's might have the "balls" to approach you first. I'm sure others like you as well, but I find the cocky womanizing assholes often know to step in first immediately cockblocking everyone else, including the genuine, less gifted "game players".
> 
> Sometimes, I attract the wrong type, because I often shut the door and run away. For some, the "game" only increases and they become more attracted and pursue more. It sucks for me, because I don't intend for it to be a "game". I am really not attracted.


It is true some like the thrill of the hunt but others like it when it is easy


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## SeekJess

AgAu said:


> Are you sure all these married guys are really trying to pick you up? I'm married and I'll soft flirt with almost every woman I meet, hell I even do this with gay men and I have not even the slightest interest in that game. I'm not looking to cheat, I'm fishing for a smile and to make someone feel good about themselves.
> 
> Sexual tension is a normal part of EVERY conversation. If you're the hot, young, single dreamboat that I'm imagining you as then how is any married man supposed to ignore the elephant in the room and treat you like their 90 year old grandma?


no they should imagine their 90 year old gma having sex! haha... i know men are physical creatures, and its in their genetic code to size women up. but there is a difference between looking, and trying to get with. ya feel me homie?


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## nameno1had

SuPERNaUT said:


> Wahahahaha that's fucking rich...:dry:
> I kept my engagement ring for that reason but from what I've read here and elsewhere it seems to be the opposite thing to do...


as a man believe it or not I considered wearing a ring at one point even though I wasn't married but I also realized any good woman I would want to be with would think I was married and lose interest


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## Neon Knight

nameno1had said:


> as a man believe it or not I considered wearing a ring at one point even though I wasn't married but I also realized any good woman I would want to be with would think I was married and lose interest


That's pretty much what has and would stop me from using it too later on, just in case. :happy:


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## nameno1had

I am going to go out on a limb here and open a can of worms because of the things I have been reading and I hope it is seriously considered by everyone who has posted in disgust,as well as those looking to make the right decisions...I am not making excuses for anyone who has bad intentions or who has made some mistakes.I simply want to share some perspective on marriage and dating that I feel isn't ever discussed,but I sure hear a lot about the fallout though.
I think every person who desires to be with another whether it be in marriage or just for sex has something in common besides the basic desire for those things.It is the desire to know how they are perceived by someone they would be interested in.I believe they also want to know who is the best candidate for the role they seek to fill in the set of their life.The problem is that there are taboos and complications with the casting call,the auditions and finally the contracts even before the scenes they are seeking to get to even are played out.You end up with a choice between a commitment you aren't supposed to break and a deadline with only some many resources to try to find the best candidate and then the interest has to be mutual.After making a selection with all of the best intentions of honoring ones commitment,I believe people still ask themselves when they can't say cut and simply edit out the parts they don't like;Did I really make the right choice.They in some cases are thinking about who might be a better candidate in case of a sequel.I even believe when a happily married person who is with someone they think is dynamite and they find some other t.n.t. elsewhere they want to know,even if they have no intentions of lighting any fuses if there ever could have maybe been some boom boom. I hope this illustration isn't looked at as if I don't take this topic seriously.If you can't tell that I have thought long and hard about this than maybe you haven't looked in the mirror honestly at yourself.



SuPERNaUT said:


> That's pretty much what has and would stop me from using it too later on, just in case. :happy:


are you as bit surprised at all that a guy would do that?


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## jack london

pinkrasputin said:


> You didn't have to. You are an ENFP male so that automatically makes you honorary Gay. :laughing:
> 
> 
> 
> But you're an INTJ, so I'm assuming these stories must be from books? :tongue: :crazy:



I've dated three ENFPs et al so I might be in the running. :tongue:


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## nameno1had

another crazy scenario that could be a problem instead for any of you women(I can't see this as being any better)...I've heard of women from time to time that are single and looking but don't feel right about being straight forward about what they want because they are affraid that they will be viewed as a slut and no man will really hit on them,even though they don't wear a ring and it is because they are so beautiful,they all assume her boyfriend is probably some rich good looking guy and that is why she seems so reserved


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## Neon Knight

nameno1had said:


> are you as bit surprised at all that a guy would do that?


no, not at all. I understand what it means to be jaded in that area and with humanity in general. This kind of stuff is not gender specific like a lot of issues in the section of the forum with all the sexist rants and such when it's a people problem, not everyone as evidenced even in this forum some men can be basically assholes and some women can be just plain bitches :laughing:


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## kiwigrl

I don't know that they look for a type to be their cheatee, but I do know how you feel. I even had my sister-in-law's husband hit on me a few times in the last several years (that is my husband's sister's husband). He only ever acted flirtatious when he was drinking though and when sober kind of ignored me. So I didn't do anything about it, even though one time he said "I'd f*** you" and grabbed my butt. The last time it happened was at a party of ours and I had had enough. He started touching me inappropriately, I told him to cut it out, he laughed at me, so I got really angry with him and he hasn't done it since. Luckily for him, because if he tried it again I was going to make a massive scene and embarrass him in front of everyone including his wife. He has since cut back alot on drinking which may have helped. It was so awkward though seeing as he was in our family circle. Oh and for the record I never gave him special attention or anything to encourage this behaviour. I guess he just liked what he saw.
Also, when I am at a mall, I sometimes catch a guy holding his SO's hand while craning his neck around to look at me. I am so glad that my husband doesn't behave that way. It's nice to have someone who is extremely loyal, stops the ENFJ insecurities kicking in.



Cheveyo said:


> I had a feeling it might be something like this when I read the OP. Not about your mother, about how you act with people.
> My ex had a similar problem. She'd get hit on quite often by guys she'd meet. They would always confuse her friendly, accepting personality for attraction. She'd complain about it from time to time. She wouldn't flirt, but they'd try and be all over her.
> 
> If you're anything like her, you wont be able to stop it from happening. As the only way you can really stop it is to stop being you. Stop being nice to people, stop being friendly and open. Not with everyone, just be a lot more selective about whom you show kindness to. Yes, in a perfect world this wouldn't be required, but we're not in a perfect world, are we?


I agree 100%. I think this has been my problem so many times. I have told myself to be more selective about who I am like this with but it is this subconscious thing I do, how do I undo something that is the habit of a lifetime? I try to look for signals that it is being taken the wrong way and if I pick up on that I will back right off.



pinkrasputin said:


> Omg. Who would be this stupid:
> the facebook cheat


LOL, that was so funny. She busted him good.


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