# What is the best thing to say to my INTP girlfriend?



## Adam Bristol (Jan 7, 2013)

She is insecure. I get lost for words when she tells me that she is insecure because I have already told her she's beautiful - and she truly is! Please let me know exactly what to say. My cliche two word response " you're beautiful " would sound really dry by now - even though it's completely genuine - true - and coming from my heart of hearts. 

Please help me out. I'm really lost for ideas/words.


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## that (May 22, 2012)

Go on a twenty to thirty minute rant about how you hate the fashion industry and how it objectifies women and makes them feel insecure and bad about themselves. Then accidentally insult her in some way, then stumble over all your words and blush and run out of the room crying.


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## Adam Bristol (Jan 7, 2013)

I don't understand what you meant in your second sentence


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## Delilah (Nov 11, 2012)

You can't really fix this. Just keep reassuring her that you think she is beautiful.

Might also help to not perve on perfect people in her presence.


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## Van (Dec 28, 2009)

Compliments are a band-aid solution for insecurities. They don't really get at the root of the problem. Unfortunately I'm not socially awesome enough to tell you what to say, but maybe you can try to help her figure out why she's insecure? INTPs like to understand things.


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## RandomNote (Apr 10, 2013)

"Well your beautiful to me." try that.


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## Priva (Mar 6, 2013)

In situations like these, it's hard to appeal to logic, since the root of her insecurity is most likely illogical. Perhaps say something like, "I wouldn't go out with you if I didn't think you were beautiful." Or you could make a case that beauty isn't as important as she thinks it is. Alternatively, show her pictures of photoshopped vs. non-photoshopped celebrities. This will alleviate her need to look "perfect." Many people (surprisingly) think that people on TV and in magazines actually look "in real life" as flawless as they appear there. Finally, do things together that promote beauty. Go to the gym together, prepare healthy foods together, etc. 

Female beauty is usually defined by facial symmetry and WH-ratio. No one has a "perfect" face, but the vast majority of faces are mostly symmetrical (the brain just likes things that way). Studies have also shown that humans find non-symmetrical faces attractive because they are novel and exciting. So either way, her face is fine. An ideal waist to hip ratio (.6-.7, depending on culture) can be obtained with proper diet and exercise, so if she isn't satisfied with her body, she can certainly become satisfied. I'm too lazy to hunt for the studies, but when I was doubting my appearance, seeing them reassured me that I looked fine. Perhaps finding them and showing them to her would help as well.


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## Dart07 (Jun 17, 2011)

Explain why she is beautiful.


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## Elyasis (Jan 4, 2012)

"Hello."

Sorry, that was the first thing I thought of when reading the title.

Also, you should not encourage her insecurity by giving her a positive response. It essentially sets up a positive feedback loop. Be insecure > Get compliments > Be insecure. I'd go for neutral calm questioning of why she feels insecure. Then again, it's not your job to be her therapist. What you want is to set up a positive feedback loop on her feeling confident and self assured. Don't wait to say you are beautiful when she comes to you with insecurities about her appearance. 

And, as always, it's not always what words we say that matter. It's the sum of our interactions that do.


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## qingdom (Apr 5, 2011)

Ask her for one of her keys to a room in her mind. Then study it.


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## that (May 22, 2012)

qingdom said:


> Ask her for one of her keys to a room in her mind. Then study it.


I think I understand what you mean, but you should try to explain it more.


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## Adam Bristol (Jan 7, 2013)

Firstly - thank you Elyasis - you've given the most helpful advice so far. You're right - it isn't my job to be her therapist - but our relationship is a connection we are devoted to strengthening. I don't exactly understand what you mean by " don't wait to say you're beautiful " do you mean don't think about anything and just say it?


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## mystery_box (Jun 14, 2013)

i may be of some assistance as i'm an intp chick... any compliment that you give her on her mind, ideas, or thought process would be a 1,000x better than a compliment on her physical appearance. looks are fleeting, but you'll still (hopefully) have your mind when your outward Beauty has passed.


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## Elistra (Apr 6, 2013)

Adam Bristol said:


> She is insecure. I get lost for words when she tells me that she is insecure because I have already told her she's beautiful - and she truly is! Please let me know exactly what to say. My cliche two word response " you're beautiful " would sound really dry by now - even though it's completely genuine - true - and coming from my heart of hearts.
> 
> Please help me out. I'm really lost for ideas/words.


A lot of women are very insecure with how they look, mostly because there are entire multibillion dollar industries out there whose primary marketing strategies involve...

1) Convincing women that there's something horribly wrong with how they look.
2) Convincing women to buy their products, so they can fix "the problem" and finally look good.

It's not a logical thing, it's an emotional issue brought on by all-pervasive cradle-to-grave psychological manipulation, one that is finely tuned to play on female insecurities.


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## kiskadee (Jan 9, 2009)

When you tell her she's beautiful, it might help to point out specific things that you find beautiful about her. Just saying "you're beautiful" could sound like a generic pat answer, whereas being more specific might sound more heartfelt. At least if she's anything like me.


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## MaryJane42069 (Jun 16, 2013)

Tell her the details. If you're about to compliment something about her face or body - make it clear why you like it and how it makes you feel like. 
It's the same for character advantages - make her feel special.


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## RoSoDude (Apr 3, 2012)

I agree with those saying that you can point out specific things you find attractive about her, because that will feel nice, but do not use this as a solution. @Elyasis is right in that this will only perpetuate the problem, especially when you tire of repeating the same assurances over and over and she can misinterpret it as a change in opinion (from "You're beautiful) on your part. I'd recommend the compliments come at more spontaneous intervals and not in response to negative self-remarks because that will create a feedback loop.

I'd try to take matters away from issues like beauty. She doesn't feel insecure about her appearance because of insufficient compliments, but rather because she's taken the wrong perspective on it and it's easier to keep digging oneself into a rut than to climb out. She's probably focusing on specific flaws (may it be a zit here, a stretch mark here, something "odd" about this shape here) and, thinking that these parts make up the whole, failing to see her own beauty. If you must make comments on her beauty _in response_ to her insecurity, then tell her that you either don't notice these things, or that they don't detract from her looks whatsoever. But moreover it's important that you de-emphasize the importance of physical appearance. She will likely never feel good about her looks until she _stops caring_ so much about them. Instead, talk about what she means to you and try your best to provide an open atmosphere where she feels free to talk with no expectations (at least, that's what I would want). You may find more nuanced issues she has with herself that are more productive to talk about than her disliking her body for unknown reasons.

This all assumes the crux of her issues is with her self-image, which wasn't clear from your initial post, but could be assumed from subsequent replies.


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## shefa (Aug 23, 2012)

Why are you assuming her insecurity is due to feeling unattractive?? That's a pretty shallow assumption if you ask me. Women are complex creatures whose self-esteem is contingent on a multitude of factors. Maybe telling her she's beautiful is reinforcing the problem- maybe she wants to be seen as more than JUST beautiful...like intelligent, trustworthy, kind, etc. Maybe she wants to know that even if she weren't beautiful, you'd still be committed to her. Obviously I know nothing about your relationship, but I'm just throwing some ideas out there that I think you should consider.


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## Adam Bristol (Jan 7, 2013)

Firstly - thanks for your advice Shefa. I've told her many of the things you suggested. She actually told me she doesn't need to be complimented on her intelligence because she already knows exactly how smart she is. I've been told it's her appearance. She knows very well just how committed I would be regardless of her stunning beauty


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## Saira (Feb 2, 2012)

How extreme is it, @Adam Bristol?

I've got BDD and no matter how many compliments I get, I'm ugly for my standards. If that's the case with your girlfriend, compliments will only make her doubt your sincerity and validity of your opinion. I think the advice @Elyasis gave you is excellent: make her feel comfortable and loved with your actions, not the words. Become a person she can trust, her best friend, not her magic mirror. I'm really sorry she feels that way, and I hope she'll change her mind one day.


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## micciady (Jun 15, 2013)

only tell her truth ..


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## Elyasis (Jan 4, 2012)

Adam Bristol said:


> Firstly - thank you Elyasis - you've given the most helpful advice so far. You're right - it isn't my job to be her therapist - but our relationship is a connection we are devoted to strengthening. I don't exactly understand what you mean by " don't wait to say you're beautiful " do you mean don't think about anything and just say it?


I mean that you should compliment her in a more spur of the moment manner. And what the others said about complimenting for more than appearances can only help her take focus off her self image.


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## William I am (May 20, 2011)

Ask her why she's insecure. Then see if you can address the problem or get her to address it. You might not like what you hear.


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## IDontThinkSo (Aug 24, 2011)

You're very important to me
And attractive
People are jealous
They should be our slaves
Let's have sex in the elevator


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## Wasp (Apr 29, 2011)

Absolutely nothing that isn't true. You're merely asking for words to say, which will be meaningless if they didn't come from your head. She'd appreciate your own thoughts, not ones that you were recommended to say.... But that's just me.


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## b3th (Jun 11, 2013)

Adam Bristol said:


> She is insecure. I get lost for words when she tells me that she is insecure because I have already told her she's beautiful - and she truly is! Please let me know exactly what to say. My cliche two word response " you're beautiful " would sound really dry by now - even though it's completely genuine - true - and coming from my heart of hearts.
> 
> Please help me out. I'm really lost for ideas/words.



Hmm... she tells you she is insecure? What does she say that lets you know that? Is it solely about her looks? 

That sounds.... kinda not so INTP-y.


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## O_o (Oct 22, 2011)

*If* her insecurity is based on looks, 
perhaps the reason your compliments aren't doing much to help or change the situation is because she views all you say to be bias considering your relations with her?
Maybe attempt to address and dismiss this bias? (I mean, of course whether someone finds another to be beautiful or not will always be a bias opinion. What I mean by that is to try to dismiss the idea that you're telling her she's beautiful simply because she is your girlfriend, to be polite, etc). I just know from personal experience that I generally disregard all compliments which come from people who obviously feel as if they're obliged to compliment me or have an alternative motive for doing so. But if a compliment comes off as simply a genuine observation and opinion rather than a key used to get me to feel better, like the person more, etc; then it has a much stronger impact. 

Or ask her to specify what exactly she's insecure about. Maybe there's a certain part of her appearance (if the appearance is what's making her insecure) that she'd be able to pinpoint. It would be a lot easier to work with the insecurity if it's specified.


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## blacklite911 (Jun 27, 2013)

It seems likely to me that she honestly doesn't know why she feels insecure, yet just knows she has that emotion. Feeling an emotion and not knowing what the root is can be highly problematic for INTP's. I can tell you from experiance that this very thought can consume our minds for enourmous parts of the day because we're trying to find the answer out but its not there.
So basically, you're gonna have to explore this thing together, there's no overnight fix, just be like "Well, let's figure this thing out, I'll always have your back." If you guys survive this journey, it'll definitely be worth it with the payoff.


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## prince_burns (Jul 3, 2013)

Well, you have to let her build up her own healthy self-esteem. You ever get a compliment and then feel good about it and then about a minute later it's like it never happened? That's probably going on with her. My advise is to lead her to arrive at the conclusion that she is a valuable person without you being direct about it. That or take "that"'s advise. He's got a system down.


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## Schadenfreude (Jul 20, 2010)

Reminds me of me. My INFJ husband keeps on saying that I'm beautiful, but I don't really see myself that way. I see myself as average, and I don't think there is anything wrong with that. 

What is she insecure about? Her body? Exercise with her.
Her appearance? Point out little things about her, like, 'Your hair is really nice' or 'You have pretty eyes'

Try to be honest. I always like it when people are being honest.
Tell her about her flaw is there is any, like, she's gaining a bit of weight, and do it really nicely where she won't get offended, and offer fun solutions that you can do with her.

And, be careful about telling her about her flaws. It works for me, but I'm not sure about other girls.
Or maybe I just don't get offended that much.


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## Jennywocky (Aug 7, 2009)

Didn't read the rest of the thread, but stop focusing on looks. (Hope some others brought that up.)

Tell her that you love her just as she is and for who she is, and that she doesn't need to be like any other woman for you to love her and desire her as your partner -- that you LIKE the things that make her her.


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## Damalur_Sol (Jul 4, 2013)

I would also suggest reassuring her in ways other than words, like looking her in the eye, take her hand in yours, etc. I don't know if it is an INTP thing (though I read something to the effect), but I feel beautiful when I catch his attention on me or when he touches me (sits close to me, hovers around me, etc.).


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## XO Skeleton (Jan 18, 2011)

Lol. Asking INTPs 4 relationship advice.


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## Lazyhappy (Jul 7, 2013)

I don't really like compliments. I always get skeptical and think they're just saying it to be nice or are being patronizing. It's a bad habit of mine I admit but it's just something I can't help. Plus you're beautiful is too cliche. To get me to accept a compliment, it has to be casual and funny. 

Like _"your the only hot potato in my basket, you sexy ass bastard"_

That's the kind of stuff I love


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## r4ch3l (Jun 12, 2013)

Damalur_Sol said:


> I would also suggest reassuring her in ways other than words, like looking her in the eye, take her hand in yours, etc. I don't know if it is an INTP thing (though I read something to the effect), but I feel beautiful when I catch his attention on me or when he touches me (sits close to me, hovers around me, etc.).


Yes. Being attentive and saying it with that instead of, or in addition to words. 

I am also an insecure INTP female...logically I know people find me attractive and say so often but I just...I don't know. I feel defective and it makes me hate everything about myself, including what I look like.


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## nezumify (Feb 7, 2013)

If she personally identifies as a smart human, and is proud of being smart.

Tell her that beauty doesn't matter. And her intelligence is amazingly sexy to you. And then give a few examples.

^that is what my SO does for me. And it works.


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## evilarchitect (May 20, 2010)

"you're the most amazing woman i know."


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## ElizaMira (Jun 21, 2013)

What might be frustrating the Hell out of her is knowing she is a logical person who generally doesn't make judgements based on feelings and then finding herself judging herself based on emotions. It's a crappy spot to be in. At some point she was sent the message that she was unattractive, and she has been wrestling with it ever since. Wanting to be sexually attractive seems to transcend personality tendencies, though how much so may vary. People are wired to reproduce. Just how it goes. 

Having had these sentiments on and off (Thank the parents for that one, and I usually avoid the parent-blaming), I can tell you that very little helps during those fits of emotional gobbledegook because the logical mind has checked out. Put your arm around her - hey, touch! Go go oxytocin - and let her sort it out in her head. In between those times, compliment specific things - "Hey, good choice for a hair cut" - so pay attention. Romantic gestures for an INTP chick might be a little offbeat. The most romantic gift my husband ever got me was one of those coffee makers that use the pods to help me get through grad school study nights when a pot of coffee was probably a terrible idea. I also loved it when he took me to a film festival and we ripped the movie dialogues apart.

And sex, duh. 

INTP women vary in terms of how they view themselves and what they want out of relationships, but I think we want to feel like our partner gives a damn about us being around and want him or her to show it. Showing it caters to the logical and maybe practical side more often than not. As for the insecurity, she'll probably either need to work it out herself or go to therapy. No one can really help their partners outside of being a shoulder to lean on.


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## Jason43 (Aug 5, 2013)

The second you tell an INTP something we reject it. If you have to keep saying it, you are just creating a reason to be skeptical. Complement her ideas, tell her things like you love being with her, that you love her, you love how her mind works, etc and keep the beauty stuff sparse and spontaneous. Aside from creating skepticism, you are making her feel pressured and on the spot with compliments on physical things that are based on what she is rather than who she is. Those are my tips. Chill on the pressure. If she's not completely hung up on it, let it go. You can't talk us into believing anything.


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## Omniscient (Aug 15, 2013)

She's probably not an INTP.
Though. if she's sure she is, don't be the dick who constantly tells her that she looks beautiful. I believe any INTP would hate that.


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