# Who Loves a Sociopath



## devoid (Jan 3, 2011)

My deep dark secret for the day: All of my most intimate relationships have been sociopaths.

First, it is important to note that there is a strong difference between a sociopath and psychopath. A sociopath is a person who is incapable of feeling empathy toward other people. They are typically quite charming, very intelligent, good at blending into any social situation, very patient and prone to obsessive tendencies. Salvador Dali was said to have been a sociopath; it is estimated that they make up at least 2% of the male population. A psychopath is someone with reduced emotions all around, prone to being very superficial, manipulative, self-centered, irresponsible, impulsive and outright harmful.

I have had three relationships with people who exhibited strong sociopathic tendencies, two which were fairly healthy and one which was very unhealthy. Every time I find myself completely drawn in by the depth of conversation, the ability to have a serious intellectual debate without strong emotional biases, the openness, and the comfort of being able to be completely myself in front of another person without being judged. But there are serious drawbacks, namely a lack of real emotional connection and a lack of trust. A sociopath has no reason to be honest other than personal ideals, which most of them have in a somewhat warped and rigid sense. Out of the three, one was an admitted chronic liar, one hardly gave a straight answer to anything, and the other was completely honest about 99% of things with the exception of some seriously important and personal information.

I am wondering if anybody else has similar experiences with this, either from the perspective of somebody who's dated a sociopath or somebody who considers themselves to be a sociopath. I realize that my long history of psychological abuse, paranoia and trust issues has a very large contributing factor. I don't know whether it's something I can grow out of, or if it's become an actual place of comfort.


----------



## Eddy Kat (Sep 10, 2012)

Are you sure the 3 of them were sociopaths? I mean, out of just 2% you managed to be with 3?!
Other than that, I dont think Id ever known a sociophat, but I understand where you come from.


----------



## devoid (Jan 3, 2011)

Eddy Kat said:


> Are you sure the 3 of them were sociopaths? I mean, out of just 2% you managed to be with 3?!
> Other than that, I dont think Id ever known a sociophat, but I understand where you come from.


One was definitely a sociopath, another was closer to a psychopath (the unhealthy one obviously), and the other exhibited strong sociopathic tendencies. But yeah, I don't know why, just seems to be the kinds of people I get along with. I attract a lot of weird people.


----------



## LadyO.W.BernieBro (Sep 4, 2010)

l don't really find them fascinating but think it's a large part of the appeal for most people.

l've wondered if they're born lacking the ability to empathize or develop it in childhood. l tend to think the latter, you don't really see it being something genetic and even when it appears to be, it could be said it that it was still caused by environmental factors.

When a child fails to make certain connections before age 5 and especially in an abusive environment there can be permanent effects which can include a lack of empathy. Empathy exists on a scale and perfectly normal people exposed to unfavorable environments can be affected in different ways.

Conditions like autism that are hereditary don't usually spare the child in terms of cognitive empathy so they don't often resemble sociopaths, but most do at least have varying amounts of affective empathy.

ln the more unlucky set of kids like those who develop reactive attatchment disorder, they lack both kinds of empathy, cognitive and affective, so they are not charming like the sociopath is.

Good cognitive empathy creates a charming effect, they are still able to read other people very well. They just lack affective empathy and are not able to feel their emotions.

l mostly view it as wiring that has gone wrong in an unfortunate way and l do not wish to know any of them lol.


----------



## ForsakenMe (Aug 30, 2010)

OP, what is it about them that draws you to them?


----------



## AriesLilith (Jan 6, 2013)

There might be physiological conditions that can influence the capacity of empathetic feelings. I can't remember well, but I guess that there was some documentary that did some test to show how people react to some pictures.


----------



## devoid (Jan 3, 2011)

ForsakenMe said:


> OP, what is it about them that draws you to them?


Honestly, it's the way I interact with them. I feel like I can be myself in front of them, because they don't place any emotional demands on me (with the exception of those with psychopathic tendencies). I don't feel safe entirely, but I do feel like I can make a strong intellectual connection with these people unlike what I can achieve otherwise. It's difficult to explain to someone who hasn't experienced my childhood... but sometimes I feel like love can destroy genuine connections. I've had thousands of men fall in love with me in my very short time in this life, and I feel it bearing down on me, the selfish desire of it all. A sociopath is not capable of loving me... only understanding and appreciating me in a logical and controlled manner. Although there is a part of me that needs to feel loved, most of me would much rather be understood and appreciated. Love feels so fake and greedy by comparison.

I know that part of the issue is that my mother was incapable of connecting to me. She could never express love and in fact hated me in many ways, and used every opportunity to make me feel worthless. This has gotten me into a lot of trouble in relationships, as I'm constantly feeling shame, guilt and confusion over my own needs. But most of the people who have been terrible to me have not been sociopaths, just regular people who were being selfish and not accustomed to someone with a history of trauma. People who don't feel empathy are more open to listening patiently, even to the most horrible things, and giving a logical response rather than a judgment or upsetting emotion. They're also usually very perceptive and patient when it comes to understanding my ill-expressed and undervalued emotions and can actually be very helpful analyzing these things. As long as I have value to these people (usually feeding their curiosity, providing good conversation, companionship and oddly enough cuddling is a huge thing) they are usually open to helping me with my problems.

The last person I dated who showed sociopathic tendencies was indescribably helpful. I gave him an unreasonable amount of attention and went along with his interests (I don't really have strong opinions on most things and am pretty laid-back) and also supported his rather large ego. In return he grounded me during many of my more fragile phases, helped to make sense of some of my problems with were clouded by emotions and fear, and gave me a somewhat flattering but realistic depiction of my own strengths and how to utilize them better. It wasn't the most romantic, because every time I came to him when I was very upset and crying or venting without warning he would react by getting very confused, upset and often hostile. This reaction varies depending on past experiences; for some sociopaths I've noticed that they simply distance themselves completely or have an automatic taught reaction (like hug the person, regardless of whether said person is crying or lashing out, with no actual emotional response) but those who have been abused in childhood tend to react with hostility to any negative emotion. Not the perfect shoulder to cry on.

When I left that relationship I swore to myself that I would find someone capable of loving me emotionally. But realistically, the biggest problem was not his inability to feel empathy, rather the inability to use gestures of compassion. It was the only one of the three that was long-distance throughout. The shortest relationship I had with a sociopath was one of the warmest experiences I've had, because he loved cuddling and was always happy to give me hugs when requested. I never minded the genuine emotion of empathy so much as the gestures. I just don't know.


----------



## FlightsOfFancy (Dec 30, 2012)

They can be sexy.


----------



## Mange (Jan 9, 2011)

I thought the main difference between psychopathic and sociopathic was the way the disorders came about. Sociopaths are said to become that way via environmental factors, and psychopaths through genetics. Also have read that sociopaths CAN feel empathy and even loyalty to certain people/groups, though it is shallow, because of the part of them that remains childlike, before they were broken mentally/emotionally by environmental factors..? also trying to understand the difference between shallow emotions/vs feelings... 

I guess depending on where you get your information, it can be different, especially when you're online. 

yes, it's easy to connect with one, I agree with everything you said. the objectivity is refreshing. Lack of judgement. I think a lot of self aware sociopaths realize that on the inside they are kind of like cold blooded creepers, looking at people through a microscope and prying and poking at people and situations just to see what happens, like the world is a part of their personal experiment. The boldness, the lack of inhibitions. I tend to sympathize with them, they can't help who they are. And a lot of them have had fucked up experiences that might have contributed to their behaviors/ideals, mainly sociopaths, yet they're pariahs.. We love them for everything we hate them for. (which is a lyric to a song titled "whore" btw


----------



## Arden (Feb 22, 2013)

From what you describe, I'm pretty sure my ex husband was one or the other or possibly both.


----------



## devoid (Jan 3, 2011)

Arden said:


> From what you describe, I'm pretty sure my ex husband was one or the other or possibly both.


What was it that attracted you to him? If it's too difficult you don't have to go into detail.


----------



## Marie Claire (Aug 12, 2011)

devoid said:


> My deep dark secret for the day: All of my most intimate relationships have been sociopaths.
> 
> First, it is important to note that there is a strong difference between a sociopath and psychopath. A sociopath is a person who is incapable of feeling empathy toward other people. They are typically quite charming, very intelligent, good at blending into any social situation, very patient and prone to obsessive tendencies. Salvador Dali was said to have been a sociopath; it is estimated that they make up at least 2% of the male population. A psychopath is someone with reduced emotions all around, prone to being very superficial, manipulative, self-centered, irresponsible, impulsive and outright harmful.
> 
> ...


I wanted to respond to your asking yourself if you can grow out of it. I don't you can "grow out of it", but you can definitely get help to change the pattern. You seem to be quite young. I think that it would a good idea for you to find a good psychologist who could help you break the pattern and find a healthy relationship.


----------



## Arden (Feb 22, 2013)

devoid said:


> What was it that attracted you to him? If it's too difficult you don't have to go into detail.


He was easy to talk to and made you feel so connected.

He was also a pathological liar.... but it took me untill after we where already married before I figured that out. He was everything to everyone. A chamelon at his best. The whole world was perfect between us. I was a crazy psycho to whatever woman he was trying to bed. His friends at work I was a horrible lazy nag. It was whatever story needed to be told for the occasions kept perfectly compartmentalized.

My gut gave it away initally. I just started to feel like something was wrong. Eventually all the cards came tumbleing down.

I later became friends with his now second ex wife. The story reads the same. She just caught on faster and was less "understanding" than I had been.

His current girlfriend I imagine will figure it out at some point too. Although he has been much more careful to keep her away from me and his other ex wife and she is so far fully snowed by his lies from what i can tell.

and just a side note? He seems to genuinely belive he has done "nothing" wrong


----------



## devoid (Jan 3, 2011)

Arden said:


> He was easy to talk to and made you feel so connected.
> 
> He was also a pathological liar.... but it took me untill after we where already married before I figured that out. He was everything to everyone. A chamelon at his best. The whole world was perfect between us. I was a crazy psycho to whatever woman he was trying to bed. His friends at work I was a horrible lazy nag. It was whatever story needed to be told for the occasions kept perfectly compartmentalized.
> 
> ...


I've heard stories like that but never met someone quite like that. Was there anything other than sleeping around that he did wrong?


----------



## Arden (Feb 22, 2013)

devoid said:


> I've heard stories like that but never met someone quite like that. Was there anything other than sleeping around that he did wrong?


Well I personally think lying about everything is "wrong". Especially when you wreck other peoples lives and bring children into the world for your own sick twisted agendas.

Cheating is a lie that you just take to the next level

He and I where together for about 7 years in total. The lying and the cheating where the bulk of it until I started picking his lies apart.

Then a pattern of abuse began to emerge.

First controlling. Followed by verbal digs that chipped away at my self esteem. When those things didn't shut me up it escalated all the was from insenuative to outright threats.

I have a suspision that at one point he may have even tried to poison me. Although its pruely speculation.

Getting divorced from him was about the 3rd best thing that's ever happened to me.


----------



## SuperDevastation (Jun 7, 2010)

A desperate loser or an ignoramous who can't spot fake niceness.


----------



## Arden (Feb 22, 2013)

SuperDevastation said:


> A desperate loser or an ignoramous who can't spot fake niceness.


Fake niceness doesn't quite cover the mentality of a sociopath or a psychopath.

Desperation and or ignorance might begin to explain some of the people who are drawn in by them but often I have found that pride plays a bigger role for some. When a woman who percives herself as intellgent and independent finds herself entrapped in the web these types weave it often requires her to question her self perception. Thoughts of "this is not REALLY happening to me" cross her mind.

However in light of this topic the person must be a masocist to knowingly walk into such situations.


----------



## Razare (Apr 21, 2009)

devoid said:


> I don't know whether it's something I can grow out of, or if it's become an actual place of comfort.


You can grow out of it, yes.

You have to figure out why these people draw you, and when you feel the related emotions as to why they allure you in, you have to understand why you need those emotions.

There's likely pain, fear, or some tearful truth underneath why your surface emotions draw you to these people. Until you let go of that, your need to associate that way will continue.


----------



## devoid (Jan 3, 2011)

It's really not... masochistic. They're still people, not brutal heartless monsters. I'm not saying I don't have a problem; I have quite a lot of mental issues and this is probably one of them. But I don't think it's really that fake. I treat them nicely and they treat me nicely, perhaps not to make me feel good but because they think it's fair. I really don't see how calling me a desperate loser is going to benefit anyone; does the fact that you can feel empathy make your insults more justified?


----------



## Arden (Feb 22, 2013)

Its not fake. But you must understand they arnt treating you nicely to be fair. They are purely self motivated.


----------

