# INTJ boyfriend broke up with me



## sarcrb (Jun 20, 2012)

My INTJ boyfriend of a year and a half broke up with me. He seems to have come to a decision that it was too hard to make things work and has given up. I know he still cares for me and he said that he would miss me a lot. He didn't want a clean break and wanted to keep in touch because he knew it would be hard to just cut each other out but he didn't really give any indication of a possible rekindling. When an INTJ makes such a decision, is it usually set in stone or is there a chance he could decide to try again?


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## MuChApArAdOx (Jan 24, 2011)

From my own personal experience with INTJ, once they make a decision, they stick with it. I can only assume he has been thinking about this for a long time now, even if he didn't mention it. INTJ look at the bigger picture in terms of relationships/romance. And when i say bigger picture, i mean years down the road. I don't know anything about your relationship so i can't say NO, he will never change his mind. I`m just saying that from my own experience with this type, they have given it lots of thought and make firm decisions.


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## sarcrb (Jun 20, 2012)

any strategies for helping him change his mind?


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## alexande (Jan 8, 2012)

INT's typically can walk away from relationships without looking back due to little fear of being alone. As for strategies to change his mind...Why did you guys break up?


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## Le Beau Coeur (Jan 30, 2011)

I'm really sorry to hear that and I hope you are doing alright. Best wishes.


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## bknight554 (Sep 25, 2012)

Sorry about this, it's probably not what you want to hear. As an INTJ, if i decided to break up then it'd be for good. Generally, I only like to consider girls that i really, really like before going out with them though, so consider that too.


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## Master Mind (Aug 15, 2011)

sarcrb said:


> When an INTJ makes such a decision, is it usually set in stone or is there a chance he could decide to try again?


Speaking for myself as an INTJ, when I make a decision, it's set in stone. It's something I've thought about (I don't make decisions on a whim), so once I make the decision, it's final.


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## jbking (Jun 4, 2010)

sarcrb said:


> any strategies for helping him change his mind?


If you did get really close to him, get him to disclose what were the challenges he saw down the road in the relationship. This would be either things that are hard for him to do or expectations you had that may have been too high as those would be the logical possibilities to my mind. Once these are on the table, find another way to resolve the issue and perhaps you could get him to go back into having the relationship. Course this presumes you did get past the uber-thick INTJ external armor which may or may not have happened. If you didn't get through the armor, I'd likely say you have some slim chances of getting him to change his mind as you don't wield sufficient influence to move things in that direction.


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## BeautifulSadness (Sep 27, 2012)

Did he elaborate on what he thought was difficult about it? Have you had any similar thoughts? I'm sure that as an INFP you probably picked up on some signs that something might be wrong.

I don't know any specifics on the nature of your relationship, but they would probably tell me a lot. Without details, though, here's this. And I'm not sure it really applies here, but:

In my experience with INTxs, sometimes they want you to _seem_ more emotionally attached than them, but really they're just as invested as you, but less willing to show it. I've heard similar stories from INTPs. My best friend is an INTP, we've been inseparable since we met, and he normally seems a bit more distant, but if I don't call him first, he'll always call me. Without fail. And that told me a lot about our friendship. It showed me that people don't always show their true feelings, but they are just as real anyway. Maybe if you gave him some space, he'd start to miss you... And if he cares for you, chances are he _will_ start to miss you.

Feel better!


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## sarcrb (Jun 20, 2012)

He did tell me what the problems were and I told him that I agreed with them and I said that I had been making efforts to try to change them but he said that the relationship has just run its course and its taken too long to get better. As I've gotten to know him, I have noticed that he does think a lot, but he did admit that the decision was more of a tipping point and that it had only been on his mind for about 3 days before he did it. Before that, he had hope but one day he just lost it. We had broken up before but this is the first time it was done by him, which is what makes me think its really final. But since he said it was more of a tipping point made me think that perhaps it might have been a little more of a rash decision? Or maybe it's wishful thinking...


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## jbking (Jun 4, 2010)

sarcrb said:


> He did tell me what the problems were and I told him that I agreed with them and I said that I had been making efforts to try to change them but he said that the relationship has just run its course and its taken too long to get better. As I've gotten to know him, I have noticed that he does think a lot, but he did admit that the decision was more of a tipping point and that it had only been on his mind for about 3 days before he did it. Before that, he had hope but one day he just lost it. We had broken up before but this is the first time it was done by him, which is what makes me think its really final. But since he said it was more of a tipping point made me think that perhaps it might have been a little more of a rash decision? Or maybe it's wishful thinking...


Not quite wishful thinking, but I would be careful about working on getting him to flip as if he does, you better be prepared to hold up whatever agreements are made in terms of changes on your end. Something to consider is how much do you want this relationship versus how much does he want this relationship? Chances are you want it much more than him which could be misused a bit here, not to plant any dark ideas but this is just how I see it from what you've posted.


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## amethyst_butterfly (Mar 14, 2011)

INTJ males are a pretty decisive bunch. They also have a now or never attitude. Perhaps there are things in his life that are taking all his time such as a career and is difficult for him to give all his attention to you.....or I don't know is hard to know because you didnt provided many details but yeah they have that reputation.


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## searcheagle (Sep 4, 2011)

sarcrb said:


> He did tell me what the problems were and I told him that I agreed with them and I said that I had been making efforts to try to change them but he said that the relationship has just run its course and its taken too long to get better. As I've gotten to know him, I have noticed that he does think a lot, but he did admit that the decision was more of a tipping point and that it had only been on his mind for about 3 days before he did it. Before that, he had hope but one day he just lost it. We had broken up before but this is the first time it was done by him, which is what makes me think its really final. But since he said it was more of a tipping point made me think that perhaps it might have been a little more of a rash decision? Or maybe it's wishful thinking...


Yes, without knowing what the issues are, it's hard to talk about. But if you agreed with what he said the issues were and tried to fix them, did you demonstrate that you were progressing? 

There's nothing more frustrating for me than hearing, "I'm working on it, I'm working on it" but never seeing anything that proves that the problem is actually being solved.


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## amethyst_butterfly (Mar 14, 2011)

For some people there are problems that have no solution no matter how much you try.



searcheagle said:


> Yes, without knowing what the issues are, it's hard to talk about. But if you agreed with what he said the issues were and tried to fix them, did you demonstrate that you were progressing?
> 
> There's nothing more frustrating for me than hearing, "I'm working on it, I'm working on it" but never seeing anything that proves that the problem is actually being solved.


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## sarcrb (Jun 20, 2012)

searcheagle said:


> Yes, without knowing what the issues are, it's hard to talk about. But if you agreed with what he said the issues were and tried to fix them, did you demonstrate that you were progressing?


Yes I did tell him how I've been working on it and gave examples. He did agree that it had gotten a little better, but he just said that it had already run its course and its taken too long to get really good. So he did see the progress but only after I pointed it out. I guess the progress was just too slow?


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## amethyst_butterfly (Mar 14, 2011)

He is too impatient I guess.



sarcrb said:


> Yes I did tell him how I've been working on it and gave examples. He did agree that it had gotten a little better, but he just said that it had already run its course and its taken too long to get really good. So he did see the progress but only after I pointed it out. I guess the progress was just too slow?


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## scarlett.page (Nov 14, 2011)

I have a good friend who is an INTJ & as an INTP I can tell you if he did make a truly rash decision he's likely mulling over it. Not to give you false hope because it is very possible he'll stick with his decision, but I do think it's possible for him to be willing to try again if he is a moderate J or not too stubborn. Give him his space but let him know you still care. How concrete was the effort on your part to solve your relationship problems? Do you think he made an effort himself? Have you asked him that? Perhaps he needs to recognize his own faults. Also consider spelling out a scenario in which you explain how both of you should have handled a situation better or whatever it is you did 'wrong' in relation to the issues.


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## searcheagle (Sep 4, 2011)

sarcrb said:


> Yes I did tell him how I've been working on it and gave examples. He did agree that it had gotten a little better, but he just said that it had already run its course and its taken too long to get really good. So he did see the progress but only after I pointed it out. I guess the progress was just too slow?


Without knowing what this issue is question, it's difficult to completely answer the question. But he could have just decided that it would never be resolved in a way that would be entirely satisfactory. Or that your struggle without was going too slow for him and he was tired of dealing with it.

Also, "a little" progress could mean anything. If I'm 10,000$ in debt, making "little" progress could mean paying off $100 of it. Sure, it's making a little progress, but is it really enough? Is enough progress really being made?

He could have gotten to the point of saying "she's not serious about this."


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## BeautifulSadness (Sep 27, 2012)

Again, I don't know your specific examples, but that kind of sounds like he may have wanted to break up before now, and is using whatever reason he gave you as his main reason. As long as you communicate effectively that really shouldn't be a problem most of the time, but sometimes people are indirect. 

The advice I really want to give you is to try to th ink about how this is making him feel, also. I mean, I'm not saying you don't or anything, and everyone should do this. But I'm sure it's hard on both of you, so keep in mind that he probably hurts too, even if you don't see it.

Oh, and here's this Hermann Hesse quote: "Some men think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go." 
It always sucks when this is applicable.


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## searcheagle (Sep 4, 2011)

scarlett.page said:


> I have a good friend who is an INTJ & as an INTP I can tell you if he did make a truly rash decision he's likely mulling over it. Not to give you false hope because it is very possible he'll stick with his decision, but I do think it's possible for him to be willing to try again if he is a moderate J or not too stubborn. Give him his space but let him know you still care. How concrete was the effort on your part to solve your relationship problems? Do you think he made an effort himself? Have you asked him that? Perhaps he needs to recognize his own faults. Also consider spelling out a scenario in which you explain how both of you should have handled a situation better or whatever it is you did 'wrong' in relation to the issues.


From the sounds of things, this was not an impulsive discussion about they had many discussions about the issue. This sounds a decision that was made a while back.

So, I think it's highly unlikely that he will change his mind on a reconsideration. It's over in his mind, unless it was over a specific "flaw" that she can show that she fixed. And even then, it could still be over.


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## pinkrasputin (Apr 13, 2009)

sarcrb said:


> His effort was like hugging and kissing my head and cheek often, putting on a nice button down shirt as opposed to the normal t-shirts he wears, he gave me his full attention the whole time, he would get the umbrella out of the trunk and walk over to my side of the car so that I wouldn't get wet, and he cuddled a lot while watching the movie. He did these things even though we did have awkward moments every now and then.
> 
> We had only been broken up for about a week and a half. I don't think I actually asked him to get back together, I actually asked if there was no turning around, so I was actually asking if it was final. But I guess that could be interpreted the same way.
> 
> I do agree with you that I complicated things. I also agree with you that he is still attached. I actually asked him if he was over it and he said that he wasn't. Unfortunately, I also agree with you that he is trying to reestablish his life without me. I hope you're wrong about it confirming his decision to break up, but I guess we'll see. I know that if I called him though he would pick up. I am giving him space now though. We haven't talked for a couple of days and I probably won't call until he does, but at the same time I think that he might be scared to call me out of fear that I might bring it up again or that if he does call that I won't get over it.


I think he realized you needed something more, before you realized you need something more. Appreciate him for that. 

When my boyfriend puts in " a lot of effort" he _tells me_ he doesn't want to lose me or leave me. He listens to me honestly . He _doesn't break up with me._

Understand, you may be worth far more than what he is giving or capable of giving. Don't grasp onto something that may be less than you deserve. If it wants to leave of his own fruition, that doesn't mean that he was some gem or that he was even good for you. It certainly doesn't mean that you weren't good enough. It could simply mean that he needed to leave room for the love you were way more deserving of.

Don't settle out of fear or familiarity. He won't respect you either. You deserve the best for you.


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## sarcrb (Jun 20, 2012)

pinkrasputin said:


> I think he realized you needed something more, before you realized you need something more. Appreciate him for that.
> 
> When my boyfriend puts in " a lot of effort" he _tells me_ he doesn't want to lose me or leave me. He listens to me honestly . He _doesn't break up with me._
> 
> ...


I think that you're absolutely right about everything you said. Although I do think that sometimes he did put a lot of effort in to make it work but I was just hard to please or something because it was never enough. I'm not saying it was all my fault, because he did have faults too and he admits that. I just think that I would have rather learned from it, worked on it and see it through to make it better. Unfortunately, although I was aware of the mistakes I was making during it, I didn't try hard enough to fix it, and so he just gave up. This was kind of a wake up call for me.


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## sarcrb (Jun 20, 2012)

phantom_cat said:


> INTJs will have trouble with feelings. Based on how you broke up, if he thinks he has made an error, it may take a while, but he could change his mind.


He called last night and he sounded a little depressed. I tried to sound upbeat to try and cheer him up a little but I'm not sure it worked cause he got off first, but it was also really late at night. Yes, he is definitely a thinker. I guess we'll see what happens.


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## Sapphyreopal5 (Jun 11, 2012)

sarcrb said:


> While we were dating, he did do nice things sometimes, but not to that extent and definitely not in the same day. I don't think he ever did the umbrella thing either. Sometimes, he would complain if I he had to wear a nice shirt before too. The next times we hung out, he went back to the regular t-shirts.





> Well, in the last couple months, things were pretty tense and we were fighting a lot. We both were not happy during those times. I did put more effort into fixing things towards the end and he did too, but we were still fighting sometimes and so he just gave up. I do think that in the beginning, he was looking to detach slowly because we were each others worlds for a year and a half. But we were doing so well before I asked about if there was no turning around. I wonder if that made a difference? Do you think he's actually considering it? The thing is that he's not the type to cut people out, even exes. *I know he's still on good terms with a few of his exes*. I know it would be much easier to cut him off but I would like to maintain the friendship as well. How much do you think I scared him off? I don't know why, but I have a feeling I won't hear from him for awhile.


I apologize for not having responded the last couple of days (have been meaning to do so however!). I have been busy the last couple of days with school XD I have done the same thing he has in regards to starting to “detach” gradually moreso when I was questioning the relationship’s future and the state of things. Sometimes I have done so out of fear of becoming overly “attached” and such or if I realize that a lot of my life is about the relationship and I need to have more of a “balance” in my life in regards to how I spend my time.

Hmm when you say that (bold part), I wonder if, as I said before, he is trying to make the breakup a cleaner one and such (doesn’t want any angry exes coming after him years down the road). I often times think that sometimes it is best to just cut someone out of your life, although I tend to think this depends on both of the people and the circumstances involved. I still talk to my ENFJ ex (most recent ex) of two and a half years almost on a daily basis, even though he has made some mistakes (I have too but some of his are worse than any of mine tbh XD ). While a lot of people might tell you that it’s not a good idea, whether it’s because he’s your ex, doesn’t respect you enough, etc., I really say it’s up to whether the couple (ex-couple rather) are mature enough to stay friends and if the breakup was merely due to personality differences (or circumstances beyond their control) and not otherwise. 



> He called last night and he sounded a little depressed. I tried to sound upbeat to try and cheer him up a little but I'm not sure it worked cause he got off first, but it was also really late at night. Yes, he is definitely a thinker. I guess we'll see what happens.


Sounds like you did hear from him after all (not too much longer later either). I find this kind of interesting actually. It sounds like either:
a. he may feel conflicted inside and perhaps his decision to break up with you was triggered by some kind of stress or emotional trigger of some sort. May be he made this decision out of feeling upset about things not changing and thinking things were not going to work out based on the present situation? I know that at least for me, I will feel very stressed if I am in a situation I think will end badly or not so good. Remember that a lot of INTJs will think about the future A LOT. When you say that you didn’t try hard enough to make things work, that may have indicated that you didn’t take the relationship that seriously (Idk how seriously he took it because I don’t have enough information to say), and that may have caused him to detach in the first place. 

OR, b. he is going through a stage of sadness from the breakup and is trying to re-establish his life without you and it’s proving to be more difficult (acting out on his attachment to you but doesn’t necessarily want to be with you) than he thought.
As far as him reconsidering it, I’m not really sure (could go either way based on what I have been given). It’s certainly a possibility but this is only based on the information I have been given. I have said this before and will say it again, give him space and don’t do anything quickly at this point. Let him come to you. I do think that you asking him that might have made him think about why he made that decision in the first place for better or for worse (I wish I could tell you which but I can't).

Hang in there!


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## sarcrb (Jun 20, 2012)

Sapphyreopal5 said:


> Sounds like you did hear from him after all (not too much longer later either). I find this kind of interesting actually. It sounds like either:
> a. he may feel conflicted inside and perhaps his decision to break up with you was triggered by some kind of stress or emotional trigger of some sort. May be he made this decision out of feeling upset about things not changing and thinking things were not going to work out based on the present situation? I know that at least for me, I will feel very stressed if I am in a situation I think will end badly or not so good. Remember that a lot of INTJs will think about the future A LOT. When you say that you didn’t try hard enough to make things work, that may have indicated that you didn’t take the relationship that seriously (Idk how seriously he took it because I don’t have enough information to say), and that may have caused him to detach in the first place.
> 
> OR, b. he is going through a stage of sadness from the breakup and is trying to re-establish his life without you and it’s proving to be more difficult (acting out on his attachment to you but doesn’t necessarily want to be with you) than he thought.
> As far as him reconsidering it, I’m not really sure (could go either way based on what I have been given). It’s certainly a possibility but this is only based on the information I have been given. I have said this before and will say it again, give him space and don’t do anything quickly at this point. Let him come to you. I do think that you asking him that might have made him think about why he made that decision in the first place for better or for worse (I wish I could tell you which but I can't).


I think it could be either a or b, or maybe a little of both? I know that the last month before the break-up was stressful for both of us because we were fighting a lot, so it could be a. It could also be b because he's so used to having me there all the time and he even mentioned last weekend that it was still weird to sleep without me there. Thanks for the advice. I will try to give him his space even though it can be hard sometimes.


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## Blacktide (Sep 16, 2012)

sarcrb said:


> He did tell me what the problems were and I told him that I agreed with them and I said that I had been making efforts to try to change them but he said that the relationship has just run its course and its taken too long to get better. As I've gotten to know him, I have noticed that he does think a lot, but he did admit that the decision was more of a tipping point and that it had only been on his mind for about 3 days before he did it. Before that, he had hope but one day he just lost it. We had broken up before but this is the first time it was done by him, which is what makes me think its really final. But since he said it was more of a tipping point made me think that perhaps it might have been a little more of a rash decision? Or maybe it's wishful thinking...


As an INTJ myself I try to never burn a bridge until I am sure of my decision. Any relationship decision I make, I give it serious consideration and though to make sure I do not do anything rash. So he is extremely unlikely to come back into the relationship if he is anything like me.

As a side note one thing I really value in a relationship is security and feeling "safe" being with someone. If someone had broken up with me before, I would be very unhappy in a relationship if I thought the person might break up with me. I need to feel comfortable with my partner.


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## Sapphyreopal5 (Jun 11, 2012)

sarcrb said:


> I think it could be either a or b, or maybe a little of both? I know that the last month before the break-up was stressful for both of us because we were fighting a lot, so it could be a. It could also be b because he's so used to having me there all the time and he even mentioned last weekend that it was still weird to sleep without me there. Thanks for the advice. I will try to give him his space even though it can be hard sometimes.


I know what you mean. It's only natural to feel attached and such and to want to reach out and still be there. I will say that if I break up with someone, there's a pretty good chance that I thought it through and such, yet there have been times where I felt I made a mistake triggered by a lot of stress and such. This was when I was younger though, about 4 or so years ago with my first "love" if you will. Leaving that guy was the right decision although I will admit in that case it was the emotions that drew me back amongst other things. I don't know how old he is or what his life experiences look like or who he even is, but if he thinks he made a mistake, he'll come around. If he does, well, it means something and if you really want it to work, do what you can to make it work.

I wish you the best of luck. I really hope that I have helped you understand his possible mindset. I know us INTJs can be pretty tricky, especially from an outsider's point of view. Do keep us in the loop :happy:


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