# Am I in the wrong here



## Mercer (Nov 6, 2009)

just a few minutes ago i go down stairs to make a phone call, i get no answer so i hang up. my father tells me someone called earlier today and that it might have been for me. having lost my $85 bus pass earlier today i call the numner. the people on the other end tell me its a wrong number, so i hang up. my dad gets angry and says that he said "it MIGHT be for me", and that this was my fault. as i walk away he tells me that sometimes it takes a sharp edge to get through my thick skull. what do you think?


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## Blue Butterfly (Sep 19, 2009)

Was your dad calling you stupid? That just seems mean to me.


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## Mercer (Nov 6, 2009)

Hurting said:


> Was your dad calling you stupid? That just seems mean to me.


because he's an unfufilled asshole. he also calls me a ******, pussy and ******.


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## Blue Butterfly (Sep 19, 2009)

Mercer said:


> because he's an unfufilled asshole. he also calls me a ******, pussy and ******.



That don't make for a good father son relationship. How do you handle this?


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## Mercer (Nov 6, 2009)

Hurting said:


> That don't make for a good father son relationship. How do you handle this?


well there is alot of repression. im always angry. i normally dont talk back to him. i get really angry when im falling asleep, it keeps me awake. thats when my mental defences are down and i find it hard to sleep. i did alot of delinquent behaviour when i was younger, because it helped me be accepted by others.

i remember when we were kids he used to beat us with a wooden spoon, i dont remember the incident so good but i think he beat us all, i remember us all being beaten at once. whether we did something or not im not sure. i believe he could have done it just to show he could. later, my brother and i would be working on his boat and he'd be standing there, broad daylight, in public calling us pussies and *******. he was either hitting us or emotionally bullying us. like telling me that i was an accident, or just doing the kind of stuff a schoolyard bully would do, it was like living with a 5 yearold for a father.


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## Blue Butterfly (Sep 19, 2009)

Mercer said:


> well there is alot of repression. im always angry. i normally dont talk back to him. i get really angry when im falling asleep, it keeps me awake. thats when my mental defences are down and i find it hard to sleep. i did alot of delinquent behaviour when i was younger, because it helped me be accepted by others.
> 
> i remember when we were kids he used to beat us with a wooden spoon, i dont remember the incident so good but i think he beat us all, i remember us all being beaten at once. whether we did something or not im not sure. i believe he could have done it just to show he could. later, my brother and i would be working on his boat and he'd be standing there, broad daylight, in public calling us pussies and *******. he was either hitting us or emotionally bullying us. like telling me that i was an accident, or just doing the kind of stuff a schoolyard bully would do, it was like living with a 5 yearold for a father.



That is a lot to go through as a child. I can see why you would be angry. My dad used to be abusive to me too so I know that kind of thing is very hurtful. You are right when one does that kind of thing it is like having a 5 year old as a parent. You are very intelligent to recognize that fact. What your father is doing to you and the other kids is wrong and you have the right to be angry over it. But I may caution you from my own experience you may want to let that anger out slowly and in a controlled way. Do you have a hobby or activity that would allow you to work out that anger? Like running, a sport or working out at the gym?


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## Mercer (Nov 6, 2009)

Hurting said:


> That is a lot to go through as a child. I can see why you would be angry. My dad used to be abusive to me too so I know that kind of thing is very hurtful. You are right when one does that kind of thing it is like having a 5 year old as a parent. You are very intelligent to recognize that fact. What your father is doing to you and the other kids is wrong and you have the right to be angry over it. But I may caution you from my own experience you may want to let that anger out slowly and in a controlled way. Do you have a hobby or activity that would allow you to work out that anger? Like running, a sport or working out at the gym?


i used to kickbox, and i let out alot of agression then. i do workout but i havent been lately an di've been thinking of doing martial arts. i am also trying to obtain a referral to get psychotherapy.


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## Blue Butterfly (Sep 19, 2009)

Mercer said:


> i used to kickbox, and i let out alot of agression then. i do workout but i havent been lately an di've been thinking of doing martial arts. i am also trying to obtain a referral to get psychotherapy.



All of those are excellent and healthy ways to deal with the anger. I wish I had know that when I was your age. I went through years of anger without any help. I finally got over it in my later years. My mother was dead against psychotherapy while I think it is a wonderful healing experience. Having someone with a kind and understanding viewpoint helps too. Someone just to unload things that are on your mind that you can't say to the people in your current life. I am always here to listen to anything you may need to get out. I may give you assignments to help move the anger out. Like right now I would love for you to picture me as your dad. Now write a letter saying what you would like to say and post that letter here. But don't show the letter to your father. I am not sure how he would take it.


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## UncertainSomething (Feb 17, 2010)

Mercer said:


> just a few minutes ago i go down stairs to make a phone call, i get no answer so i hang up. my father tells me someone called earlier today and that it might have been for me. having lost my $85 bus pass earlier today i call the numner. the people on the other end tell me its a wrong number, so i hang up. my dad gets angry and says that he said "it MIGHT be for me", and that this was my fault. as i walk away he tells me that sometimes it takes a sharp edge to get through my thick skull. what do you think?


 
This might fit the situation:

Your father may have expected you to tell him who it was on the other end of the phone if you didn't tell him, either during the call or after, getting the callers name, etc... Maybe he was also expecting you to pass on the phone to him if it wasn't for you. Maybe he got annoyed because he would have to call them back to find out who it was and explain to them he is calling them back for a different reason than you did and might have to apologize for your call.

He may have a problem with your lack of assertiveness. All just a guess of course but worth a shot.


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## Mercer (Nov 6, 2009)

UncertainSomething said:


> This might fit the situation:
> 
> Your father may have expected you to tell him who it was on the other end of the phone if you didn't tell him, either during the call or after, getting the callers name, etc... Maybe he was also expecting you to pass on the phone to him if it wasn't for you. Maybe he got annoyed because he would have to call them back to find out who it was and explain to them he is calling them back for a different reason than you did and might have to apologize for your call.
> 
> He may have a problem with your lack of assertiveness. All just a guess of course but worth a shot.


no that dosnt make any sense. he was sitting on the couch across the room, if he wanted to know who it was then he would have asked. there is really no reson for him to assume that the call was for me.


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## Mercer (Nov 6, 2009)

UncertainSomething said:


> This might fit the situation:
> 
> Your father may have expected you to tell him who it was on the other end of the phone if you didn't tell him, either during the call or after, getting the callers name, etc... Maybe he was also expecting you to pass on the phone to him if it wasn't for you. Maybe he got annoyed because he would have to call them back to find out who it was and explain to them he is calling them back for a different reason than you did and might have to apologize for your call.
> 
> He may have a problem with your lack of assertiveness. All just a guess of course but worth a shot.


how was i unassertive?


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## UncertainSomething (Feb 17, 2010)

Mercer said:


> no that dosnt make any sense. he was sitting on the couch across the room, if he wanted to know who it was then he would have asked. there is really no reson for him to assume that the call was for me.


Maybe he didn't expect to have to ask, it really depends at what point he got angry about it. A reason why he would say "it MIGHT be for me!, is that it sounds like he's expecting you to do something or say something. He's seems to be reacting to something/you that he feels should happen but doesn't, something like "think about me when you're doing that" or something similar. He may assume you would tell him if it wasn't for you and you'd tell him who it was without having to ask you. Maybe HE sees you as unassertive, not that you necessarily are. 

Other than that all I can say is he may just have been in a really bad mood, more than normal and you got in the way. Without knowing more its all just a shot in the dark at why it went down the way it did. Anyway hopefully its not affecting you to much. Goodluck!


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## Mercer (Nov 6, 2009)

UncertainSomething said:


> Maybe he didn't expect to have to ask, it really depends at what point he got angry about it. A reason why he would say "it MIGHT be for me!, is that it sounds like he's expecting you to do something or say something. He's seems to be reacting to something/you that he feels should happen but doesn't, something like "think about me when you're doing that" or something similar. He may assume you would tell him if it wasn't for you and you'd tell him who it was without having to ask you. Maybe HE sees you as unassertive, not that you necessarily are.
> 
> Other than that all I can say is he may just have been in a really bad mood, more than normal and you got in the way. Without knowing more its all just a shot in the dark at why it went down the way it did. Anyway hopefully its not affecting you to much. Goodluck!


no hes always doing shit like that, hes an asshole. what happened was i came downstairs and he pulls thsi story about a call out of nowhere. so randomly i take this phone number and call, because apparently it pertains to me and not one of the other five people we live wiht. after i call the mistery number which turns out to be a wrong number he gets pissed. probably because i looked at him lie he's an idiot. and he is.


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## Nitou (Feb 3, 2010)

Oh no, Mercer I am so sorry. I hope you can get out of there soon. :sad:
You already know that he is f'king with your head. And yet you asked whether you are in the wrong. I believe he is trying to gaslight you. 



Wikipedia said:


> Gaslighting is a form of intimidation or psychological abuse in which false information is presented to the victim, making them doubt their own memory and perception.


I had some difficulty finding good information for you on this subject but here are a couple of a short articles: 
The Emotional Effects of Gaslighting | Sober Place
http://thinklikeablackbelt.com/blog/gaslighting-is-someone-using-this-trap-on-you/


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## UncertainSomething (Feb 17, 2010)

Mercer said:


> no hes always doing shit like that, hes an asshole. what happened was i came downstairs and he pulls thsi story about a call out of nowhere. so randomly i take this phone number and call, because apparently it pertains to me and not one of the other five people we live wiht. after i call the mistery number which turns out to be a wrong number he gets pissed. probably because i looked at him lie he's an idiot. and he is.


Ah I think I'm getting a better picture now, basically is he winding you up? As Nitou just posted, something new to me, do you think he's gaslighting? Does he expect a reaction and you don't give it to him and he gets wound up instead. Does he do this with the other members of your household?

When you say he said "its your fault", what is he saying is your fault?


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## Mercer (Nov 6, 2009)

UncertainSomething said:


> Ah I think I'm getting a better picture now, basically is he winding you up? As Nitou just posted, something new to me, do you think he's gaslighting? Does he expect a reaction and you don't give it to him and he gets wound up instead. Does he do this with the other members of your household?
> 
> When you say he said "its your fault", what is he saying is your fault?


well, he didn't actually say that, he just went off like an asshole. he has used alot of threat and intimidation in the past. i've seen my parents abuse the other kids (5 of us), my dad dose alot of emotional or psychological stuff. like he used to call my sister a cunt, and it was always alot of swearing and name calling. i was asked to retrieve somehting once (because im the ******) and when it wasnt where he said it was, i heard him say to my mom "get his fat ass up here" (i was a little heavy in those days) so i went up staris, he cussed me out for not being able to find what he said. he goes downstairs and cant find it either. sometimes what he dose is just being a little bully, like he would take a wet cloth and walk up behind you and rub it on your face, or anyhting like that to irritate you. but the way he is, i just dont think he ever gave a shit about us, once i was going down the stairs, and there was a toat (bin) on the stars full of shit, i walked into it by accident and fell dwon the stars. he opens the door, i say "im alright" he says "you better pick that shit up". he was just always an asshole.

but i wouldnt put "gas lighting" past him, its more than possible he is just morbidly stupid. like once we're eating chicken, which is sold cooked at the grocery store. he finishes and asks me to get something so he can get rid of the bones, i bring the container (bottom part, which contained the carcass) and he sits there like an idiot with the bones in his hand. after a few minutes he says BRING ME THE TOP! i aksed why he said because he wanted to pick at the carcass. then he ridecules me by saying "it takes him five minutes to get rid of a piece of chicken". i never questioned why having bones in the case would prevent him from picking the carcass. now that i think about it, psychological abuse is very likely. he would want me to have little to no faith in my abilities. he was investigated more than once on alligations of physical abuse. i hate myself for not turning him in, he deserves to be assfucked by black guys every day of his life. he once beat us all at once with a wooden spoon, i think just to show us he would.


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## Dreamer (Feb 5, 2010)

yeah my mum and dad are like that too. Your dad seems very tense and angry. My stepdad goes to anger management. But it doesn't help much. I don't really know what to say to help you because I have the same problem. Just that I understand where you are coming from


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## U-80 (Mar 12, 2010)

I don't understand why children are obligated to stay with their parents. Aren't there all kinds of social safety nets in place, to protect children from abuse? Can't you just phone up a social worker and say, "Hi, I'm being abused?" I mean, just think of all the people out there, graduating from social work school. They live for this type of thing. Call them up and give them something to do already.


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## Dreamer (Feb 5, 2010)

social workers do nothing. They just give you techniques to 'deal with it' and leave you alone.


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## UncertainSomething (Feb 17, 2010)

It sounds like he gets off on emotional domination and doesn't like to be told when he's got something wrong. I don't think its intentional as such because he seems to do it with everyone in the household from what you've said. I think he might have insecurities around his role in the family as the father, maybe feels as though he should put his foot down all the time and act a bit tough, even when not supposed to be being serious. Unless you can find a way of getting through to him it maybe a futile endeavour and only a natural change in the family dynamic and time can improve the situation. I think it might be a good idea to think of ways you can start your own life and move on, just staying in contact now and again. My stepfather used to do similar things and I could never talk to him about anything, however when he wanted something he did respect me but he used to belittle me if I asked anything of him. It was like he was intimidated by me for no reason, I tried hundreds of times over years to try to communicate with him in words and actions but it didn't change anything. He used to treat me like I was just a kid and knew nothing and I should do what he said, that changed as I grew taller and older. He wasn't a bad man, just very troubled and never really faced his problems and just projected them onto us. I understood he was doing this for years but whatever I tried it never worked, his father role had to dominate whatever it was. Luckily he wasn't particularly violent but he did hit me very hard once to try to instill discipline for a minor oversight on my part, namely being out too late one evening, that I will never forget and I'm sure he couldn't either. Maybe something you can think about is to see your father as a little troubled, so you can reconcile the feelings you have towards him and help you towards finding your own way in life. Anyways, I hope this is of some help to you. Goodluck!


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## U-80 (Mar 12, 2010)

UncertainSomething said:


> Maybe something you can think about is to see your father as a little troubled, so you can reconcile the feelings you have towards him and help you towards finding your own way in life.


A little troubled? That's an understatement. The guy doesn't deserve to have children. He only had them so he could have someone to terrorize and wield power over. People like that make me sick. My grandfather was the same way towards his children. He's 88 now and he still finds ways to psychologically abuse them, because that's how he gets his fun. He's not troubled, he's just an asshole. Mercer's father sounds the same to me. Mercer needs to get away from him as soon as possible and never look back. Either that or spend his life in therapy, trying to figure out "what he did wrong."


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## Mercer (Nov 6, 2009)

rousse said:


> I don't understand why children are obligated to stay with their parents. Aren't there all kinds of social safety nets in place, to protect children from abuse? Can't you just phone up a social worker and say, "Hi, I'm being abused?" I mean, just think of all the people out there, graduating from social work school. They live for this type of thing. Call them up and give them something to do already.


well first of all im 18. i havent taken the necesary steps t get out because the level of emotional control in my family has caused me to avoid certain milestones. plus he has been investigated 3 times before, shit hasnt happened yet.


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## UncertainSomething (Feb 17, 2010)

rousse said:


> A little troubled? That's an understatement. The guy doesn't deserve to have children. He only had them so he could have someone to terrorize and wield power over. People like that make me sick. My grandfather was the same way towards his children. He's 88 now and he still finds ways to psychologically abuse them, because that's how he gets his fun. He's not troubled, he's just an asshole. Mercer's father sounds the same to me. Mercer needs to get away from him as soon as possible and never look back. Either that or spend his life in therapy, trying to figure out "what he did wrong."



Without knowing the exact situation we can't know what is really happening/has happened. Parents are important in understanding who we are even if they are b*stards, we wouldn't be here without them. Thats not to say, as I stated, that getting away from the situation is a bad idea, it most certainly is worth considering and if it is very bad, should be taken seriously. My own step father emotionally abused me also, but I learnt how to reconcile things for my own emotional health more than anyone elses, its very important step in moving on or it will come and haunt you later in life. Questions without answers, especially personal ones, can cause just as much damage as the abuse itself if left alone. The purpose of reconciling and moving on is to prevent the effects of the abuse from causing further harm including the damage of estrangement of the rest of family that may also result. There is no perfect solution but there can be peace of mind.


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## Mercer (Nov 6, 2009)

UncertainSomething said:


> It sounds like he gets off on emotional domination and doesn't like to be told when he's got something wrong. I don't think its intentional as such because he seems to do it with everyone in the household from what you've said. I think he might have insecurities around his role in the family as the father, maybe feels as though he should put his foot down all the time and act a bit tough, even when not supposed to be being serious. Unless you can find a way of getting through to him it maybe a futile endeavour and only a natural change in the family dynamic and time can improve the situation. I think it might be a good idea to think of ways you can start your own life and move on, just staying in contact now and again. My stepfather used to do similar things and I could never talk to him about anything, however when he wanted something he did respect me but he used to belittle me if I asked anything of him. It was like he was intimidated by me for no reason, I tried hundreds of times over years to try to communicate with him in words and actions but it didn't change anything. He used to treat me like I was just a kid and knew nothing and I should do what he said, that changed as I grew taller and older. He wasn't a bad man, just very troubled and never really faced his problems and just projected them onto us. I understood he was doing this for years but whatever I tried it never worked, his father role had to dominate whatever it was. Luckily he wasn't particularly violent but he did hit me very hard once to try to instill discipline for a minor oversight on my part, namely being out too late one evening, that I will never forget and I'm sure he couldn't either. Maybe something you can think about is to see your father as a little troubled, so you can reconcile the feelings you have towards him and help you towards finding your own way in life. Anyways, I hope this is of some help to you. Goodluck!


me victimizing my father wont help. he dose that enough himself. the reaspn pedophiles and rapists hurt people the way they do is because the y "just have a few problems." me accepting his actions for anything but an attack on me , which is what they are, then i'll be submitting.


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## Mercer (Nov 6, 2009)

rousse said:


> A little troubled? That's an understatement. The guy doesn't deserve to have children. He only had them so he could have someone to terrorize and wield power over. People like that make me sick. My grandfather was the same way towards his children. He's 88 now and he still finds ways to psychologically abuse them, because that's how he gets his fun. He's not troubled, he's just an asshole. Mercer's father sounds the same to me. Mercer needs to get away from him as soon as possible and never look back. Either that or spend his life in therapy, trying to figure out "what he did wrong."


i do plan on going into therapy, which his government plan will pay for, i also plan on doing martial arts.


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## UncertainSomething (Feb 17, 2010)

Mercer said:


> me victimizing my father wont help. he dose that enough himself. the reaspn pedophiles and rapists hurt people the way they do is because the y "just have a few problems." me accepting his actions for anything but an attack on me , which is what they are, then i'll be submitting.


Reconciling is not submitting, its about not playing a rigged game. If you refuse to accept the taunts and mind games then you can focus on yourself and getting what you need and moving on to what you want in your life. 

I wasn't belittling the nature of the abuse, I was belittling its importance to you, its his problem not yours and there is probably very little you can do about it. You must change your situation and not try to win a rigged game. Its unfair, so treat it that way and find your own fairness in life under your own rules.


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## Mercer (Nov 6, 2009)

UncertainSomething said:


> Reconciling is not submitting, its about not playing a rigged game. If you refuse to accept the taunts and mind games then you can focus on yourself and getting what you need and moving on to what you want in your life.
> 
> I wasn't belittling the nature of the abuse, I was belittling its importance to you, its his problem not yours and there is probably very little you can do about it. You must change your situation and not try to win a rigged game. Its unfair, so treat it that way and find your own fairness in life under your own rules.


so what do you suggest i do the next time he's being a cunt.


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## UncertainSomething (Feb 17, 2010)

Just ignore it and say to yourself, its what he thinks of himself and the world its not my game, let him get on with it nothing to do with me. Understand that you are doing fine and you are getting where you want in your life and stick to that thought. Just stay focused on what you are doing with your life, where you want to be, how you're going to get there. Go out for a walk whenever it starts, do anything but play that game. Only pretend to play it if things look really bad and getting out of it is not an option. Your father will only have himself to talk to one day if everyone stops listening, then maybe he will have to start listening. 

Oh yes and just to add, do go to therapy if you feel it will help, no reason to not do that. Goodluck!


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## U-80 (Mar 12, 2010)

Mercer said:


> so what do you suggest i do the next time he's being a cunt.


You poor child. It's your father who should be in therapy, not you. I feel so bad for you... having shitty parents is probably worse than having no parents at all. God, what a terrible world it is when people don't even care about their own children. It's the parent who owes the child, not the other way around. 

All I can suggest is, don't listen to psycho-babble. Your father owes you big time. You should consider suing him for everything he's worth. In this world you have to demand your rights; you don't get them for free.


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## Mercer (Nov 6, 2009)

rousse said:


> You poor child. It's your father who should be in therapy, not you. I feel so bad for you... having shitty parents is probably worse than having no parents at all. God, what a terrible world it is when people don't even care about their own children. It's the parent who owes the child, not the other way around.
> 
> All I can suggest is, don't listen to psycho-babble. Your father owes you big time. You should consider suing him for everything he's worth. In this world you have to demand your rights; you don't get them for free.


i dont think theres really anything i can sue him for. but in the even tof psychotherapy he would be providing it through his government benefits. i had therapy before but it was some jackass who listened to me talk and didnt really do anyhting. he gave me some advice but nothing i couldnt figure out myself. im thinkong of doing krav maga becasue martial arts is good for reprogrammng fear responses, and krav maga is the most to-the-point self defenc esystem there is.


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## UncertainSomething (Feb 17, 2010)

Well, you're left with only three options available if you can't do it legally or psychologically, that's leave, physically confront or staying put. Self defence is useful for your confidence so I'd encourage that and a good therapist. Whatever way you choose to deal with it I hope it works out for you. Thanks for sharing your experiences and I hope you find what you're looking for in life. A final Goodluck!


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## Mercer (Nov 6, 2009)

UncertainSomething said:


> Well, you're left with only three options available if you can't do it legally or psychologically, that's leave, physically confront or staying put. Self defence is useful for your confidence so I'd encourage that and a good therapist. Whatever way you choose to deal with it I hope it works out for you. Thanks for sharing your experiences and I hope you find what you're looking for in life. A final Goodluck!


thanks man


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## U-80 (Mar 12, 2010)

Mercer said:


> i dont think theres really anything i can sue him for.


Maybe not, but I strongly suggest you keep a record of everything in case you need it one day. Whenever something bad happens, write it down in an email to yourself (email is good because it proves the date). A dated journal is valid evidence, should you ever find yourself in a situation where you need it. 

I'm sure that learning martial arts will help you too. Try to get a job if you don't already have one, and start saving your money so you can become self-sufficient as soon as possible. Having useless parents means you have to grow up a lot faster, that's for sure.


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## Mercer (Nov 6, 2009)

rousse said:


> Maybe not, but I strongly suggest you keep a record of everything in case you need it one day. Whenever something bad happens, write it down in an email to yourself (email is good because it proves the date). A dated journal is valid evidence, should you ever find yourself in a situation where you need it.
> 
> I'm sure that learning martial arts will help you too. Try to get a job if you don't already have one, and start saving your money so you can become self-sufficient as soon as possible. Having useless parents means you have to grow up a lot faster, that's for sure.


im in college i payed for it with the money i worked for. i have 2 years before im done


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