# Mourning my father



## Excelsio (Jan 27, 2010)

My dad died a week ago...

Starting a new chapter in my life, I guess...

He was an ISTJ, and we really had a rough time most of my life.

When I was 12, I saw someone stand up to him for the first time in my life (before that, he was like a god)... it was my brother... My brother is 9 years older than me, and he was home from college for the summer...

I was in the kitchen, washing some dishes... and it occured outside the window in the back yard...

We spent the next 9 years at ends with each other... it wasn't until I moved out that I was able to start rebuilding a relationship with him...

6 years ago, he was told he wouldn't make it until Christmas... the stubborn old boot proved them wrong! 

But I am truly thankful for the last 6 years I had... I was able to finally accept him back in my life fully, spend time with him... learn from him... (I do have to thank MBTI a bit for that as well... I learned about MBTI shortly before the whole 6 months thing, and I was able to start understanding why we clashed so much)... Back in June, I moved back to town... I had been living 2 hours away in another city... We got very close in June... He started telling me stories about his past... and I started listening to them...

I miss him so much... I don't think anyone knows just how much... being my INTP self and all around others... but I do... so much... dispite all the shit we went through... he was ALWAYS there for me... driving me across the country for a job opportunity... buying me my first car for the same trip... $100 to make it until payday... grocery trip when having no money for food... all of those little things... I really do hope that I can be even a fraction of the man he was...

Take it from someone who knows... any of the shit in your past with your parents... its not worth it... don't wait for that wake up call to start building your relationship with your loved ones... suck it up... take the lumps... and let them know you love them...


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## Heuristyx (Sep 20, 2010)

I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## Excelsio (Jan 27, 2010)

Heuristyx said:


> I'm so sorry for your loss.


Thank you, I appriciate the support...

I was talking with my mom about an hour ago... my brother was up for the funeral with his wife... they live across the country...

While they were here, they stayed in my moms room because of the larger bed (2 of them, plus a 2 year old), my mom put one of my dads pillows away on a shelf... she didn't tell them why the pillow was up there, she did say if they needed more pillows, they are in the closet (not where this other pillow was)... they used my dads pillow, they didn't know better... but now my mom is really sad because she doesn't have a pillow that smells like my dad anymore...


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## Heuristyx (Sep 20, 2010)

That's so sad. It's really no one's fault, your mom thought the pillow would be safe there and they probably didn't think it through when they got it down.

I cannot imagine the pain of losing a spouse. My dad was a real piece of work so I don't really see myself hurting too much when he passes. I read somewhere that it's often the opposite though, and that when a problematic parent dies the grief is really terrible, because you're not really mourning the actual person. You're mourning all that never was, all that never will be, if that makes sense. So it is best to reconnect and get things settled while the individual is alive, if possible. You were wise with your relationship with your dad.


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## GiGi (Aug 13, 2010)

Hold on to your memories, good and bad ones. They will guide you in life. 

Sorry for your loss.


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## Espiculeas (Sep 4, 2009)

After you lose a loved one everything changes, you begin to appreciate the small things. It annoys me when I go to school and I see kids whining about something their parents made them do or wishing harm on their family members. They are missing out.

Regarding the pillow: When my father died and when my mother was mourning, realitives of ours either took or cleaned my fathers clothes, the only thing she has of him is a jacket he used to wear :dry::sad:. 

It seems like your father was a good man, congratulations on getting to know him before he passed, be glad that you had time to connect with him and that it wasn't sudden (although that time does make the world seem like shit and although you expect it you don't really expect it). Thanks for posting your story here.


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## Auryn4 (Jan 25, 2010)

I hope everyone has the courage to work towards a relationship with their parents. It isn't always easy to do, and it takes quite a bit of courage, strength, and in my case tears.

Excelsio, you are a great person. You have learned a lot from your life and the people around you and you have always been there for the people around you. Your dad would be proud, and I am sure he was when he was alive.


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## Excelsio (Jan 27, 2010)

Auryn4 said:


> I hope everyone has the courage to work towards a relationship with their parents. It isn't always easy to do, and it takes quite a bit of courage, strength, and in my case tears.
> 
> Excelsio, you are a great person. You have learned a lot from your life and the people around you and you have always been there for the people around you. Your dad would be proud, and I am sure he was when he was alive.


Thank you...you know... the day he died... when I took my mom home... we sat and talked... she told me that my dad LOVED pushing my buttons... and enjoyed the way I could push his too...

She then said "But there are times you really got him angry" and I said... "well... yeah... those are the times that I won... just like the times he made me really angry were the times that he won"...

I know things will work out for you as well Auryn... one way or the other, you always have family in me...


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## SlowPoke68 (Apr 26, 2010)

I am very sorry to hear. 

I lost my dad when I was 20. At the time I had mixed feelings because I had wanted to tell him every negative thing I had in my heart for him. I resented him for dying before I had the nerve to tell him. 

But now, 20 years on, I am starting to understand a lot about my dad. I think he made the best choices he could given the situation he was in--for the most part. I also have learned what NOT to do as a father to my own son. That has to come from somewhere.

So now I regret not being able to come to terms with him and to have a sense of peace. I need to make that up as I go along now.

So you give wise advice. Thanks.


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## PeevesOfCourse (Apr 15, 2010)

Very sorry to hear that. ((HUGS)) My dad was an ISTJ too. They're real rocks, aren't they, you feel a real loss of substance when they depart. They certainly have their expectations though. 
You never really get used to them not being there anymore. You just adapt.


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## productivity (Apr 15, 2010)

I personally think that most dads find it hard to show their real emotions towards the kids. It's difficult to know how they feel since they always appear tough and bossy all the time. Suprisingly, they still do have a heart...my dad's the same. Although he's more open to me than my brother, he still shows that tough side of him. 

It's always difficult to loose someone in the family, however they have hurt you in the past, there's still that one particular moment in your life that you'd wish you have told them things that you wanted them to know. You're lucky to have had been close to your dad before he left Excelsio, I'm so sorry for your loss. :sad:


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## Expat in Japan (May 14, 2010)

My dad died in 2006, and he was an INTJ like me...but at the time I didn't know his or my type. But now...especially being a father myself...I can see the resemblance. He was 40 when I was born, so the generation gap was just too much for us -- and my parents divorced when I was 2. I did the weekend/summer vacation thing with him. I was there by his side when he died at home. He didn't want me or my siblings to mourn his death and we kept it to a minimum. He was a strong, capable, silent man. I am a capable, silent man. I hope the strength will come. 

He was in a dream of mine last week. No words. In the dream he was off at a distance, so it would have been impossible to talk. But he used body language...told me he had nothing to do...so I body languaged back that it was fine that he went --- so he did and gave the gesture that he'd be waiting.


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