# I'm a number 5w4 in love with a 9w8



## raychan56 (Oct 9, 2018)

I am 5w4 (INTP), and I have been dating a 9w8 (ISTP) for almost 8 months. Oftentimes, I find that we are not the best at communicating how we feel about each other. I get scared to talk about my feelings. It makes me feel overly vulnerable, and I worry about not being able to handle bringing up an emotional situation. I pretty much avoid talking about feelings, which works for my boyfriend because he isn't particularly open about his emotions either. We instead show how we care about each other in other ways. He'll take care of me with his actions by providing me with food, paying for pedicures, keeping my stuff at his place etc. We have a comfortable companionship, a fun friendship, and a hot sex life, but I definitely notice his avoidance of anything that could rock the relationship boat. Any time an issue has arisen or we had an emotional conversation, the moments are swept under the rug, and things go on as usual. I'm never sure if things are really resolved because he won't talk about it, and I won't bring it up because I prefer to avoid the emotional vulnerability. I know that I need to be better at communicating how I feel, but I know that it is not my strong suit. I want to tell him that I love him, but I have no idea how to express it. I'm, also, afraid that I'll be disappointed if he doesn't follow suit and let his emotional guard down. Any recommendations as to how to bring up the topic? Or any insight as to being a number 5 or 9 in a relationship? I'm collecting data to feel better prepared for the situation.


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## Janna (Aug 31, 2018)

A comfortable companionship, a fun friendship, and a hot sex life sounds pretty good... maybe there is no terrible emotional secret behind the surface, maybe everything's going great?

This probably doesn't help you much, but I would just recommend being open and honest. Can you say to him what you just said in your post? Maybe his people pleasing instincts will kick in, if you confess to wanting to say you love him but being afraid of him not opening up in return.

I have to say that Nines are a bit of a mystery to me. I used to be in a serious relationship with a guy that probably was 9w8, and to this day I'm not absolutely sure what happened to us. We definitely weren't able to communicate very effectively about our feelings. I ended up leaving him, not primarily because I'd fallen out of love with him (I don't remember if I had or not) but because I couldn't wrap my mind around him, didn't really believe in our future anymore, and needed to move on. When I was finally leaving, he begged me to stay but gave weirdly impersonal reasons why, and I still didn't really understand where he was coming from. 

Hopefully some Nines here can help you with more practical advice.


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## Asd456 (Jul 25, 2017)

Not a 5, but my previous relationship was with a 9. Maybe some Nines can help@Marvin the Dendroid @Wellsy, thoughts?


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## Marvin the Dendroid (Sep 10, 2015)

Don't think I can help much. A comfortable companionship, a fun friendship, and a hot sex life is more than I've ever had, don't know what else you'd need. Average 9s tend to be fundamentally clueless as to their own motivations and desires. It's like walking in a permanent shroud of fog.

Non-9s don't have foggy vision so it's hard for them to understand what the fog feels like. Average 9s aren't aware of the fog either, they just don't know what clear vision feels like. Guess it's a bit like someone being blind all their lives except they don't know they're blind. If you try to point out to them that the world isn't foggy and blurred but clear, they won't get you and may think you're paranoid.

Bit like this... 

Above: Normal people
Below: Average 9s

The average 9 can't even imagine the above picture, it simply doesn't exist in their mental world. It's like asking your average human to have X-ray vision ... we simply don't have it.


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## Wellsy (Oct 24, 2011)

Here's a nice summary for you to consider how much it summarizes your relationship.
https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/relationship-type-5-with-type-9/

And what I take from it and your OP as implicit is that there is possibly an issue of intimacy. In being comfortable in sharing wants, needs, feelings and then doing so. Because often behind issues/conflicts are the unspoken and unknown parts of what people want and are feeling. If they aren't expressing it then how do you know where you stand with someone and how to work with them?
It's not something that I think can be given an answer, as no amount of data makes the task easier when the discomfort is inherent to it (emotional vulnerability).
Your concern for example, of him not following through should you be emotional vulnerable, necessarily entails risk or you wouldn't be vulnerable. To which I would tend to emphasize that fear of the worst doesn't motivate the best in us, rather we should be focused on what we want and how much we want in spite of the possibility of failure. 
Because risk isn't simply about probability but your desire for a thing, so that even if it was low in probability you still take the risk for it because it's important. This also applies to your partner that if you and the relationship is important, then even though it'll be hard for him, he should feel the drive to make an effort to meet you in the middle.

Perhaps the focus should be on smaller risks for the both of you, to get comfortable opening up. As this seems to be the nature of intimacy, it's generally unhealthy that a person becomes to open too quickly or never (although you both are already in a decent relationship by the sounds of it). So I imagine there's testing the waters, that comes naturally, where push the line to see how things go and once some safety is establish, go further.

For example, I hurt my now wife early in our relationship because I was hesitant to say I love you and mean it. Now I tell her that I love her almost every day and focus on feeling it as I say it every time.
But things have to come to a crunch if there is an issue, has to be confronted. That is hard in part because it's very easy to not stop and force ourselves to confront what we're feeling or avoiding as its so easily 'editted' out.
I sometimes revisit this summary on things to work on for type 9s. Which boils down to not ignoring one's self and getting help from others to focus on the self. Starting small on just trying to identify feelings and recognize what they are.


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