# Thoughts on asking friends, family etc their wage?



## shameless (Apr 21, 2014)

Speaks for itself kinda?

As someone going thru job transitioning and interviewing and job seeking I have been asked by people a few times what the job I am interviewing for pays?

This is such a TACKY fuckin question to me like majorly invasive to question people those kinds of specifics. Whether its a high end job or low wage either direction I see the topic as very tacky. 

Personally the only time I see such a topic relevant is maybe when its a specialty trade or occupation and the person asking is looking into it themselves. Otherwise it comes off to me as people trolling for information to see where someone else stacks. 

Is this fricken tacky as hell or what?

Ya know I am a pretty honest person usually and candid, but I do not see that information being anyones damn business personally? I say I dont know not interested in the wage off the top interested in the entirety of the job first and fore most to evade such an invasive rude line of questioning. 

I thought this would make for a good thread for people to spin off their own experiences with this or opinions on the subject.


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## Coburn (Sep 3, 2010)

I guess it really depends on who is asking, for me. I've asked a friend because I was considering applying for a near identical position in this same company, and we were trying to figure out what we could afford to rent together if I got the job.

I think I've maybe asked on a few other occaisions, but it's always been a natural part of the conversation. I dunno...I guess I just don't ask salary questions of people who would perceive it as intrusive. 

But it would be really uncomfortable if I got a new job and the first thing someone asked is how much it paid. That would be really awkward.

That's like my ex boss...she got a better job at a world renowned company. She told me later that the majority of people she told, instead of saying congrats, asked her if she could get them jobs at her new company.


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## MsBossyPants (Oct 5, 2011)

I usually handle this situation the way I handle similar questions that aren't anyone else's business:

"It's none of your business."

If they are particularly obnoxious about it, I'll return the favor:

Them: "How much money do you make?"
Me: "How frequently do you masturbate?"
Them: (usually shocked silence)
Me: Oh, sorry, I though we were asking inappropriate questions."


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## Gossip Goat (Nov 19, 2013)

I wouldn't ask someone that because I know some people get offended. But I wouldn't really mind if people were to ask me.

For me it would just depend on who is asking. If it's someone I don't like, then I wouldn't really want to be talking to them in the first place.


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## bigstupidgrin (Sep 26, 2014)

It's good to know for negotiation purposes. A lot of people find it rude, but I don't.


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## Sourpuss (Aug 9, 2014)

There shouldn't' be anything wrong with it, but a lot of people seem insecure. I'm not exactly proud of my wage, but I'm open if people ask and will even mention it myself if it is related to something we're discussing. 


It's like asking a woman her age, I guess. Really there is no reason anyone should care what a woman's age is, but we've all been raised to believe it is wrong to ask so we feel awkward if someone does.


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## Leaf on the Wind (Dec 26, 2013)

I've always believed in Rule #1 of Polite Dinner Conversation:

The following topics are off limits:
-Politics
-Religion
-Personal Finance (including wages, savings, investments and receipt of public benefits. ESPECIALLY receipt of public benefits)
-The Designated Hitter Rule (note: applies only to families that follow baseball).

That being said, not every case where I'm asked this is inappropriate. I've had conversations with friends about wages when we were all talking about how to save up for retirement (you can argue that we're all too young to talk about retirement-but the sooner you put money into your retirement savings, the better).

Still, if the conversation ever goes to "you should leave your current job to go somewhere else and make more money," or "I've got some investment advice for you," you're getting put in your place.


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## angelfish (Feb 17, 2011)

My gut reaction is that it's typically invasive and impolite - though I know some people ask with no ill intent. I've had a few friends ask, and minus one or two situations where I did share because I felt comfortable with that specific person, I just have said that I don't really like to talk about personal finances. 



Sourpuss said:


> There shouldn't' be anything wrong with it, but a lot of people seem insecure. I'm not exactly proud of my wage, but I'm open if people ask and will even mention it myself if it is related to something we're discussing.
> 
> It's like asking a woman her age, I guess. Really there is no reason anyone should care what a woman's age is, but we've all been raised to believe it is wrong to ask so we feel awkward if someone does.


I feel sort of the opposite, actually... I feel like a lot of personal information - age, wage, how frequently you masturbate (lol, thanks @MsBossyPants), and so on - is fundamentally private. For me it's the other way around: why do others need to know how much I make? It almost never applies to their lives, and there are plenty of resources like Glassdoor if they are curious for negotiation reasons. I think it's fine to ask salary or age if you're on close terms, but I think that's sort of the idea to me - you earn the privilege to someone else's private information. If someone chooses to be open with it, awesome, but others (me!) much prefer a little mystery surrounding our lives. It's not insecurity - I'm an artsy INFP, I don't think anyone expects me to be rolling in it (plus until recently I worked a government job whose pay grade is available online for anyone to see) - it's just that I don't really like other people up in my personal business.


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## flummoxed (Jun 29, 2015)

I really wish this were a more appropriate question. I'm always wondering how a job in a different location might pay or if I am being paid fairly and I never know. I think to a certain extent the fact that talking about wages is socially unacceptable really helps companies get away with a lot of shit that they wouldn't otherwise be able to. I found a list of what everyone at my company made once and needles to day there were a lot of completely mind-boggling numbers (both incredibly productive people being way under payed and completely useless people being massively overpaid). 

About a month ago a coworker who has the exact same job as me and is the exact same age made a comment about the property taxes on a house where she lives being more than her entire salary (8% x 1,000,000) so she would have to move. That obviously implies she makes less than $80,000 and since I make more than $80,000 I felt like I should tell her she wasn't getting paid the same as me even though we have the same job and experience and she should ask for a higher salary next time we do reviews. However it wouldn't be socially acceptable to do so I guess that kind of sucks for her.


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## Carpentet810 (Nov 17, 2013)

Most of the time I tell them, because I really don't care what they know, since I am a freelancer so every pay is different. 

If I don't want to answer, I simply say never enough then go into detailed explanation of what I do. By the time I am done people are glaze eyed and drooling. They never want to ask the question again. 

I don't let it get unprofessional, because that would be unprofessional.


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## Impavida (Dec 29, 2011)

I've never understood why it's considered taboo to talk about money. What's inappropriate about it? Why should it be private?

I'm not saying that it should be a topic for small talk with random strangers (although I'll tell almost anybody who asks), but amongst people you know, why hide it? It doesn't make sense to me.


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## shameless (Apr 21, 2014)

I would like to emphasize that I did put the disclosure unless its relevant to the person asking ie they are looking at a similar job, or looking to move into a certain field. 

But just asking a friend what the wage offered is upon being hired? When they have their own job? 

Ok if you do not see why it needs to be secret, I was not suggesting it be secret. Its that its being asked. I would think if someone wants to disclose that they will on their own. If the person asking has no personal reason for the insight other then their own curiosity I am not sure how I get why so many of you are trying to turn this into that any subject should be on a table. 

I think it can be on the table, if the person offers the information on their own. But why would someone pry for that information? Like I said whether someone is getting promoted or hardly making anything I do not understand why someone would ask that information of another person unless they themselves are looking to move in the same direction. 

To me its not about it being a secret or cannot be talked about. If the person brings it up on their own so be it. But why would someone feel they are entitled to that information and should ask?

I think its taboo to ask people personal details period without them bringing it up.


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## shameless (Apr 21, 2014)

MsBossyPants said:


> I usually handle this situation the way I handle similar questions that aren't anyone else's business:
> 
> "It's none of your business."
> 
> ...


I like it


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## Metalize (Dec 18, 2014)

That, and asking someone's age, were decent questions in college, but I figure the rules are a bit different in the actual workforce. 

I figure someone will volunteer that, or any other personal information, if they want to. I wouldn't mind telling friends/family, but if anyone else were to ask, I would be suspicious behind the intent/implications of that question (and I dislike it when people take excessive liberties with questions that are widely known to be personal/potentially rude; shows a lack of consideration). In asking this, are they trying to figure out if I'm worth knowing, trying to gauge my social status or even potential as a lender, or is this going to be spread around as gossip for whatever reason? Either way, unless it's someone close to me, I don't see how it's relevant to them and the implications can't be good for me. I guess the exception could be something like a mentor or other counseling-type figure asking that, but that's obviously different.


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## FourLeafCloafer (Aug 5, 2014)

NO. Just... no, no. no, no.

Man, that's rude. Discussing and comparing wages is not something you do. You don't _need_ to know what someone makes. Sure, if someone seems to be struggling to make ends meet, it's fine to ask if they do... if you plan on volunteering to help them in some non-condescending way. But there is no real reason why you would want to know how much someone makes. Even if it's a family member.

(Keep in mind though that, apparently, asking how much someone makes or has is more accepted in the US than in my country.)


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## Metalize (Dec 18, 2014)

On a possibly unrelated note, I remember the boss's girlfriend rolleyes asking me my age, in front of him. Of course, he knows it so there was no secret there, but it felt like a very invasive, somewhat deliberately rude question, and most of all, a way to flaunt social status or some bullshit like that since she knew damn well I couldn't tell her "none of her business" in a way that might not upset the boss (and getting on her bad side probably didn't mean great implications for me). I briefly considered asking her for her age in return, but decided not to risk riling the boss, which I regret now. Oh well, lesson learned, though I can't exactly prevent these things from happening either.

^ Oh, really? Where my parents are from, it's a normal and inoffensive question to ask. Hopefully they didn't offend anyone before learning that it's a (relative) taboo here.


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## FourLeafCloafer (Aug 5, 2014)

Metasentient said:


> ^ Oh, really? Where my parents are from, it's a normal and inoffensive question to ask. Hopefully they didn't offend anyone before learning that it's a (relative) taboo here.


Well, I guess you could bring it up when talking about doing your taxes or something, but asking someone what they make out of the blue over a cup of tea (as in 'nice house you have, how much do you make that you can afford it?) will probably cause them to pull up their eyebrows, say 'enough to afford it', and go on about something else. It's personal of course. Some people won't be bewildered by you asking them where they buy their undergarments either, after all. It's not _offensive_ per sé, it's more... inappropriate. Like asking a partygoer how much money they put in the gift card they brought with them for the host.

Where are you from, and where do you live now, by the way?


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## Roman Empire (Oct 22, 2014)

MsBossyPants said:


> I usually handle this situation the way I handle similar questions that aren't anyone else's business:
> 
> "It's none of your business."
> 
> ...


You type 8's can be hilarious as fuck! - Love the no bullshit blunt cheekiness. It's quite attractive for a woman to have confidence and power behind her expression. Having the guts to challenge people.


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