# I had to go hang out with my ex...



## L19 (Sep 9, 2019)

We've been broken up for a while now but she was my first love and hurt me worse than I ever could have imagined being hurt.

Everybody said she was fucked up, not good for a relationship, wouldn't settle down for a long time, would be going for fling to fling. Well less than a year after we were done, she committed to the guy she slept with behind my back the first time we dated and has been with him since. Fucking kills me she's been the loving committed girlfriend that I thought I was getting all to this guy from another country she screwed behind my back.

I had to see her because she is my best friend's fiance's sister and we had some pre wedding stuff to do as the wedding party.

I don't have that visceral anxious reaction to seeing her anymore. We, as a group, had a good time. My ex and I even talked 1 on 1 for a bit. Didn't hurt or kill me. Till she told me she's moving to the Mediterranean with him. Didn't kill me but just such a wtf.

It's just sucks and is so weird, somebody that used to cuddle as close to me as she could, squeeze me and tell me she loves me, tell me how happy I made her, would giggle with me nonstop, tell me everything about her life and her days, now looked at me as if I'm somebody she's met maybe 10 times in her life. I was the one she used to get so excited and happy to see. I was the one she was thinking about all the time. The one in her heart. Now she sees me and I'm pretty sure I'd measure up to be less than a speck of dust in her universe.

I didn't expect her to jump into my arms or anything like that, it's just weird. And it still hurts deep down that she couldn't be committed to me and love me the way she does this guy she's been with.

All I wanted was her to love me the way she said and acted like she did. To be really committed to me. It's sad to think about all the places we could have traveled, live music we would have seen, the group dates we could have gone on, the breakfasts, the lunches, the dinners, all the small special moments. Never happened.

I guess she'll always be the one that got away.

Fuck.


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## eeo (Aug 25, 2020)

L19 said:


> I guess she'll always be the one that got away.


She's the one who let you get away.


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## SirCanSir (Mar 21, 2018)

L19 said:


> We've been broken up for a while now but she was my first love and hurt me worse than I ever could have imagined being hurt.
> 
> Everybody said she was fucked up, not good for a relationship, wouldn't settle down for a long time, would be going for fling to fling. Well less than a year after we were done, she committed to the guy *she slept with behind my back the first time we dated* and has been with him since. Fucking kills me she's been the loving committed girlfriend that I thought I was getting all to this guy from another country she screwed behind my back.
> 
> Fuck.


I understand the sentiment, but you need to focus on this part. She didnt treat you well if she cheated on you, and she is not worth wasting your time and happiness, stuck in this loop of going over what ifs.
It seems like meeting her was a negative experience to you, who is still trying to move on. Id suggest you to distance and redirect your attention elsewhere, fuel yourself with passion to work on your own shortcomings or interests, become someone confident he can do better than her. Thats all you need. It will take sometime to accept this idea and it wont be easy, but the sooner you start putting the effort the better.


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## Aqualung (Nov 21, 2009)

If she cheated on you she's likely to cheat again. She's probably not worth your time. My first girlfriend had a series of 3 month flings & I was one her many flings I soon learned. Looking back I'm so glad I didn't marry her. Today she's probably divorced 5 times with 5 kids.


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## Celtsincloset (Feb 17, 2014)

There's plenty of fish in the sea.  And you haven't found _the one_ yet. Someone to build a strong family around.


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## CharlieWex (Nov 16, 2020)

I think you are worrying for nothing and you feel guilty for no reason. Relax and enjoy life! If you love so much, then understand this person. It may be difficult for you, show another side of your relationship. I understand you, I've been in this kind of situation myself. To be honest with you, I was helped by this article calmerry.com/blog/self-esteem/why-do-i-feel-guilty-for-no-reason/ . I personally have a different attitude to this kind of situation because of it.


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

How did this girl cheat on him if she slept with another guy on the *first date* with the OP? Guys, you don't have any rights to monogamy if you're only dating someone, especially a first date, and haven't entered a monogamous relationship with them. This appears to be a recurring theme on PerC...


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## Aarya (Mar 29, 2016)

L19 said:


> It's just sucks and is so weird, somebody that used to cuddle as close to me as she could, squeeze me and tell me she loves me, tell me how happy I made her, would giggle with me nonstop, tell me everything about her life and her days, now looked at me as if I'm somebody she's met maybe 10 times in her life. I was the one she used to get so excited and happy to see. I was the one she was thinking about all the time. The one in her heart. Now she sees me and I'm pretty sure I'd measure up to be less than a speck of dust in her universe.
> 
> I didn't expect her to jump into my arms or anything like that, it's just weird. And it still hurts deep down that she couldn't be committed to me and love me the way she does this guy she's been with.


So how fast did she move on to the "next" guy? Was she your first sexual love as well? Did she have many more previous relationships before you?

I've heard a similar story before from one of my exes: two people, each other's first love, started in high school ended in university but lasted 3-4 years and were even friends beforehand. They separated and girl has sex with a different guy two weeks after, and then moves on to dating more of them, then decides she's bisexual. He was extremely hurt for more than a year. Tried to start a new relationship from where his previous one was left, basically moving too quickly, convincing himself he's in love via love letters, dedications, talks about the future to own parents etc. And boy did he have wild ideas that cannot be rushed (signing up for the marines and being away from "home" min 6 months every year on dangerous missions - expecting partner to support him unconventionally no mater what...). From all we know, she might've decided this career plan of his was exactly what she did not want in her life. I certainly don't know all the reasons as I only heard one side of the story.

There can be many things going on when a seemingly in love partner moves rather quickly, starting with mentality. Don't think that if they hide it from you it means it doesn't wreck their heart or emotions btw. They may cry when you don't see or hear them, or just shut it on the inside and grow around the painful experience, meaning that it'll keep influencing their future decisions in life. A common idea that groups of friends may say to a newly separated girl or gal is "Find someone else, even if just for a fling, to help you forget about the ex and give you company" or "try a dating site to keep you busy".

It is considerably easier to get over emotional hurdles with friends and family support, or just by keeping busy. If the breakup is continuously supported via such "you were right to do so" feedback, it can be very convincing.

If you are less social and putting all your hopes in the person you love, it's a fragile place to be in, perhaps a sacrifice, and no partner should take advantage of it and break the other person. If returned it's rewarding, if not you have to deal with the consequences, which is why choosing a suitable partner is important.

Guys tend to rush in their emotions? Temper them and wait to discover the other person, your girl, without putting her on a pedestal, though it may be hard and you may be tempted to unleash all your emotions.

By the way, cuddles, giggles, and opening up after intercourse aren't a giveaway of honesty or commitment. May show happiness in the moment but not necessary commitment plans for the future. Sure it's good signs, just not definitory ones. Plenty of hookups going on where both parties are sexually satisfied and talk about their lives, but then move on to ignoring each other afterwards. _Hormones_ do weird things to us, and so does _loneliness_. People choose to hook up with others they may not necessarily get along with, due to the two elements mentioned, and then somehow regret it, think they did it too fast, think that by initiating the sexual encounter they gave the power to the person who was more patient, etc.

Then I don't know what sort of friends you have, if they warned you or gave you genuine proof of whatever she did, but it's important to take someone's history into account. As much as you may not want to believe it, having a crack addict father will probably influence someone for the majority of their lives. Going through a physically abusive relationship affects someone for life. Oh you may never see it on their faces, or gestures, because they learn to hide it, but it's there, and unless you can relate it may overwhelm you. Same with a history of flings and hookups. It can be hard to break a habit; the other guy may be keeping her "busy" through monetary rewards maybe, who knows? He could be possessive, but give her a sense of security, she may prefer to relinquish a degree of freedom because she knows her own history and doesn't want to step wrong. Is this the kind of dynamic you'd want to have in your relationship?

Or of course, I may be wrong. Either way, be sure you don't spiral for someone who already had a history of "sudden people transitions". The cure really is meeting someone better, which you will without fail because now you know what you like and dislike better, and it may just happen subconsciously. Be sure you talk to people who can support you.

I still think that remaining acquaintances or friends with exes is always the better and easier option.
A natural counter-argument would be if they are really ill-intended and talk behind your back or wish you harm. Unless that happens or is at risk of happening... some people can be really vindictive so it's better to stick to subjects which they can genuinely help with if you remain acquaintances, like if they have a useful hobby. It's not uncommon for people either to give up their individual freedom, not have individual friends, and not talk to opposite sex friends once they marry someone. Jealousy runs RAMPANT in relationships, from glances to playing games with someone, as mentioned, of the opposite sex. Idk about same-sex ones.


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## ENFPathetic (Apr 3, 2018)

Man how the fuck is she the one who got away? She's the bullet your dumbass somehow managed to dodge. And the way you talk, you sound like a guy who knows how to have a great time. Forget this slut already and live your life.


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## HAL (May 10, 2014)

Her moving the the Mediterranean is the best fucking thing that could happen to you.

It means you won't see her again and can move on.

Delete her from all social media and make sure it's impossible for you to have a sneaky look at what she's up to.

I went through a similarly massive heartbreak a few years ago, and the best solution was to cut myself away from her. It was fucking hard though. I spent at least 6 months trying to stay in touch with her, checking her instagram, messaging her, not understanding WTF happened, and asking myself similar questions like you've written in your post ("she used to be the one cuddling up to me, she wanted me, we were great, why did she change?!", etc etc). The pain was utterly fucking immense, one of the worst things I've been through in my entire life. 

Eventually I told her to block me on social media and make it so I couldn't even see her if I tried. I still hurt for a long time but it was the best way to move on. You can only get past the pain if you allow it to be buried.


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## L19 (Sep 9, 2019)

mia-me said:


> How did this girl cheat on him if she slept with another guy on the *first date* with the OP? Guys, you don't have any rights to monogamy if you're only dating someone, especially a first date, and haven't entered a monogamous relationship with them. This appears to be a recurring theme on PerC...


I don't know what gave you the impression we went on 1 date. We were together for several months when it happened. I won't call it cheating since some people will get all technical about it since we didn't specifically discuss exclusivity, but we were spending 3-4 nights a week together, talking every single day all day. Right before she slept with this guy behind my back, she told me, being with me was the happiest she'd been in so long, and that she wasn't going to fuck me over, that she was all mine. So there was nothing casual about what was happening. I know she didn't say I want to be exclusive but when she said she wouldn't screw me over and she was all mine, I definitely didn't think she'd be sleeping with somebody else.



Aarya said:


> So how fast did she move on to the "next" guy? Was she your first sexual love as well? Did she have many more previous relationships before you?


I don't know how quickly she slept with somebody after we broke up. Probably pretty quickly. I know she started seeing somebody about 6 months after me. During that time, she went on a trip and spent 10 days with this guy she's with now, came back, took the guy she was seeing on a family vacation, dumped his ass and then 2 months later started this relationship she's been in since then. It was about 10 months after me in total before she committed to this guy she's with now.



ENFPathetic said:


> Man how the fuck is she the one who got away? She's the bullet your dumbass somehow managed to dodge. And the way you talk, you sound like a guy who knows how to have a great time. Forget this slut already and live your life.


Seems like she's the perfect, committed, loving girlfriend now.

It's weird that despite all the shit she did, some things I've seen from her or heard about her since we broke up that I wouldn't want in a girlfriend, I still see her completely committed and completely in love with this guy and it bothers me I couldn't get that from her.


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

L19 said:


> she committed to the guy she slept with behind my back* the first time we dated*





L19 said:


> *I don't know what gave you the impression we went on 1 date.*


Did you forget what you wrote in the opening post? She slept with him behind your back on the first date you went on, not several months into your non-committed dating process.


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## HAL (May 10, 2014)

L19 said:


> we didn't specifically discuss exclusivity, but we were spending 3-4 nights a week together, talking every single day all day.


This is similar to the giant heartbreak I mentioned in my earlier response.

Her and I also didn't discuss exclusivity, but it was extremely heavily implied. Quite obviously. 

Those who say "oh well you didn't have a verbal contract" are just being idiotic, in my opinion. As if fostering such a close and deep connection, with so much time spent together, is so unusual that official declarations of intent should be signed and stamped beforehand. It's not a case of "oh you just didn't know her well enough and she was actually always non-committed". It's that she was a dumb fanciful little girl who moved onto the next shiny thing. (Of course, there are plenty of dumb fanciful guys who move onto the next shiny thing too - before anyone accuses me of being a butthurt redpill incel or whatever.)


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

HAL said:


> This is similar to the giant heartbreak I mentioned in my earlier response.
> 
> Her and I also didn't discuss exclusivity, but it was extremely heavily implied. Quite obviously.
> 
> Those who say "oh well you didn't have a verbal contract" are just being idiotic, in my opinion. As if fostering such a close and deep connection, with so much time spent together, is so unusual that official declarations of intent should be signed and stamped beforehand. It's not a case of "oh you just didn't know her well enough and she was actually always non-committed". It's that she was a dumb fanciful little girl who moved onto the next shiny thing. (Of course, there are plenty of dumb fanciful guys who move onto the next shiny thing too - before anyone accuses me of being a butthurt redpill incel or whatever.)


There are plenty of situations where things change, relative to non-committed dating or even the first steps of flirting. If the guy starts to or continues flirting with others, this points to non-commitment on his part so it turns into a cause/effect scenario of people realigning themselves to new situations.


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## HAL (May 10, 2014)

mia-me said:


> There are plenty of situations where things change, relative to non-committed dating or even the first steps of flirting. If the guy starts to or continues flirting with others, this points to non-commitment on his part so it turns into a cause/effect scenario of people realigning themselves to new situations.


Yeah for sure. I just don't think the example in this thread is a case of "you guys were never official so get over it". I think that's a bit too dismissive of real human relations and the whole idea unspoken social contract.

I think it's wrong to suggest that polygamy is the assumed norm when two people are growing closer to each other.


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

HAL said:


> Yeah for sure. I just don't think the example in this thread is a case of "you guys were never official so get over it". I think that's a bit too dismissive of real human relations and the whole idea unspoken social contract.
> 
> I think it's wrong to suggest that polygamy is the assumed norm when two people are growing closer to each other.


While I hear you, multidating is pretty common where I'd even hazard the norm.


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## L19 (Sep 9, 2019)

mia-me said:


> Did you forget what you wrote in the opening post? She slept with him behind your back on the first date you went on, not several months into your non-committed dating process.


When I said first time we dated, it's because we actually dated twice. We hooked up casually a few times, eventually started dating, then she blindside dumped me, hooked up like once a month for 6 months or something like that, then we got back together.



HAL said:


> Yeah for sure. I just don't think the example in this thread is a case of "you guys were never official so get over it". I think that's a bit too dismissive of real human relations and the whole idea unspoken social contract.
> 
> I think it's wrong to suggest that polygamy is the assumed norm when two people are growing closer to each other.


Thank you. I don't understand how some people look at this situation and say you can't have hurt feelings you never made it official. 

Trust me, I've had casual situations before where there is no expectations or anything. See each other once a week or less. Only talk here and there. This was absolutely nothing like that.


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## HAL (May 10, 2014)

mia-me said:


> While I hear you, multidating is pretty common where I'd even hazard the norm.


Multi-dating isn't quite the same ballpark as serial romantic partnership, sleeping with a new person while deeply involved with someone else, etc.


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## Lonewaer (Jul 14, 2014)

OP, SirCanSir pointed it out : focus on the fact that she went behind your back. I'll rephrase so it's a little bit more out there, and clearer. She's a hoe, and that's all you need to know for certain.
Make no mistake, she went behind your back, so if that dude fucks up, she will absolutely go behind his back too. She will "trade up". There's nothing special about him. She will trade him for something better, up to a point where she can't, and she'll be left alone, because she'll have spent her life trying to find something better.

I will add that you should also focus on the fact that what she said and what she did are two different things. Notice how she never actually did the act of committing to you, and how she was telling you she was happy with you, blahblahblah. But in the end ? In the end, she didn't commit to you, but to another guy. That's what's true. So what she said meant nothing at all. She didn't commit to you because she was never going to commit to you, and she lied through her teeth when she told you what she told you.

The lesson here is, when you have the choice between trusting a woman's word and looking at her actions, always choose the latter. You can only trust what she says when that perfectly matches what she actively does. Arguably men do it too, but we are not as well socially calibrated to see through lies, as women are. Women can be bad liars and generally get away with it, but men who are bad liars are automatically detected.

Finally, an arguably equally important piece of information, do not seriously consider mia-me's advice, ever. From what I've seen, and at this point I'd say I've seen well enough, it's always been bad advice, or terrible takes on things, or both at the same time, because of delusion, entitlement, lack of understanding of specific situations, etc.


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

L19 said:


> When I said first time we dated, it's because we actually dated twice. We hooked up casually a few times, eventually started dating, then she blindside dumped me, hooked up like once a month for 6 months or something like that, then we got back together.
> 
> 
> 
> ...





HAL said:


> Multi-dating isn't quite the same ballpark as serial romantic partnership, sleeping with a new person while deeply involved with someone else, etc.


What signal are you two giving by remaining uncommitted but demanding commitment?


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