# I don't know how to handle my sister, help.



## TwinAnthos (Aug 11, 2014)

Hi!

My sister and I we are supposedly both teenage ISTP's and even share the same enneagrams. Yet I can't understand her at all. She only sits infront of her computer watching series and reading manga. I've been trying to connect with her , but we still have lot's of unnecessary fights. I really love her , even if it's hidden way below the surface. I'd like to improve my relationship with her. Does anyone have any good tips? How can I keep my temper even? She really presses my buttons and I've found myself being exhausted by it and more irritable, and I'm worried I will take it out on the wrong person and also for my own well being. Is this some kind of long sibling phase? I'd be glad to hear from you guys on this subject as I'm rather clueless and would really appreciate your advice.


----------



## TheEpicPolymath (Dec 5, 2014)

Don't talk to her..


----------



## TwinAnthos (Aug 11, 2014)

TheEpicPolymath said:


> Don't talk to her..


She's my Twin sister. I have to talk to her. She goes to the same school and class as I. We share friends. Besides, I want to be able to talk to her on a friendly level .


----------



## TheEpicPolymath (Dec 5, 2014)

TwinAnthos said:


> She's my Twin sister. I have to talk to her. She goes to the same school and class as I. We share friends. Besides, I want to be able to talk to her on a friendly level .


Yes, but reduce the time of talking. Be sensitive to her feelings even though she isn't to yours. Be kind. If she argues, then withdraw or just agree with her for the time being.


----------



## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

TwinAnthos said:


> She's my Twin sister. I have to talk to her. She goes to the same school and class as I. We share friends. Besides, I want to be able to talk to her on a friendly level .


You have to think like you do. Imagine if your sister tried talking to you when you were watching Internet videos. Damn right, you would want to watch the videos just look at what your twin would do.


----------



## TwinAnthos (Aug 11, 2014)

Grandmaster Yoda said:


> You have to think like you do. Imagine if your sister tried talking to you when you were watching Internet videos. Damn right, you would want to watch the videos just look at what your twin would do.


I try that. I don't bother her. But when we do talk , like at dinner table or just really how she acts, she becommes intolerable at times. We were arguing about something recently and she just turned her back on me starting to watch a film while she expects me to only pay attention to her in a fight. I got really angry since respect should be mutal so I swopped down in front of her to tell her so and she hit me. She told me she was afraid I was gonna hit her since I looked furious. I don't wanna scare her, it's very very rare that we fight and touch each other or invade the others personal space, maybe twice or thrice in our entire lifetime. But I can't make her listen to me or see reason. She dosen't even try to make it work between us. She just expects everything too work out like the daydreams in her head and the films projected on the screen. I have to juggle getting good grades, make sure she does her school work, supporting mom, hanging with my friends and still staying sane while not fighting with her.


----------



## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

TwinAnthos said:


> I try that. I don't bother her. But when we do talk , like at dinner table or just really how she acts, she becommes intolerable at times. We were arguing about something recently and she just turned her back on me starting to watch a film while she expects me to only pay attention to her in a fight. I got really angry since respect should be mutal so I swopped down in front of her to tell her so and she hit me. She told me she was afraid I was gonna hit her since I looked furious. I don't wanna scare her, it's very very rare that we fight and touch each other or invade the others personal space, maybe twice or thrice in our entire lifetime. But I can't make her listen to me or see reason. She dosen't even try to make it work between us. She just expects everything too work out like the daydreams in her head and the films projected on the screen. I have to juggle getting good grades, make sure she does her school work, supporting mom, hanging with my friends and still staying sane while not fighting with her.


She sounds like me. We should be friends. You need to control your stress levels and reevaluate your point of view in order to not feel so bad and become furious when you do not want to.


----------



## TwinAnthos (Aug 11, 2014)

Grandmaster Yoda said:


> She sounds like me. We should be friends. You need to control your stress levels and reevaluate your point of view in order to not feel so bad and become furious when you do not want to.


I'd get along with her better if she was half as nice as you. Besides, you two would probably only stare at each other and then return to your respective phones and read quotes if you are like her. But it would be cool if she had another friend and you two got along. 

I think I'll do that tomorrow. Sounds like a good plan, I'll take the day to do some Yoga and really just relax and then I'll try to write down/make an internal map of everything I know of her and that might help me understanding her better. I really want to get along with her and stop getting angry when she does something that currently makes no sense but might do tomorrow. Thank you Yoda. :happy: I think I'll get some rest and sleep so that I can relax properly tomorrow .


----------



## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

TwinAnthos said:


> I'd get along with her better if she was half as nice as you. Besides, you two would probably only stare at each other and then return to your respective phones and read quotes if you are like her. But it would be cool if she had another friend and you two got along.
> 
> I think I'll do that tomorrow. Sounds like a good plan, I'll take the day to do some Yoga and really just relax and then I'll try to write down/make an internal map of everything I know of her and that might help me understanding her better. I really want to get along with her and stop getting angry when she does something that currently makes no sense but might do tomorrow. Thank you Yoda. :happy: I think I'll get some rest and sleep so that I can relax properly tomorrow .


How am I nice?
What makes you think I would stare at a genetically identical copy of my host in the presence of my host?


----------



## TwinAnthos (Aug 11, 2014)

Grandmaster Yoda said:


> How am I nice?
> What makes you think I would stare at a genetically identical copy of my host in the presence of my host?


You don't half-bully me with mean comments but instead talk to me and now you try to help me. That's nice. 
Point taken, I should have informed you better. Me and my sister are two egg twins. So we don't look like one another. Someone even asked if we have different fathers.Therefore you wouldn't be looking at a copy of me. But I understand that staring at her would be strange alslo, but I was more thinking of that she and/or you would be annoyed at me for making you indulge in unnecessary human contact.


----------



## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

TwinAnthos said:


> You don't half-bully me with mean comments but instead talk to me and now you try to help me. That's nice.
> Point taken, I should have informed you better. Me and my sister are two egg twins. So we don't look like one another. Someone even asked if we have different fathers.Therefore you wouldn't be looking at a copy of me. But I understand that staring at her would be strange alslo, but I was more thinking of that she and/or you would be annoyed at me for making you indulge in unnecessary human contact.


I can stare at even the ugliest of people for a long period of time.


----------



## TwinAnthos (Aug 11, 2014)

Grandmaster Yoda said:


> I can stare at even the ugliest of people for a long period of time.


That is an most impressive skill.
http://forums.familyfriendpoems.com/files/papo183/2012112293329_most-impressive-darth-vader.jpeg
Did you train yourself to be able to stare at people or is it a natural talent?


----------



## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

TwinAnthos said:


> That is an most impressive skill.
> http://forums.familyfriendpoems.com/files/papo183/2012112293329_most-impressive-darth-vader.jpeg
> Did you train yourself to be able to stare at people or is it a natural talent?


I was born with the ability and I have much experience using it. It helps me repel untouchables and undesirables.


----------



## TwinAnthos (Aug 11, 2014)

Grandmaster Yoda said:


> I was born with the ability and I have much experience using it. It helps me repel untouchables and undesirables.


So it's natural and you have trained it. I think I understand that. I do that too. But I prefer " look annoyed by there existing any humans beside your friends".


----------



## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

TwinAnthos said:


> So it's natural and you have trained it. I think I understand that. I do that too. But I prefer " look annoyed by there existing any humans beside your friends".


Are you mad at your mom?


----------



## TwinAnthos (Aug 11, 2014)

Grandmaster Yoda said:


> Are you mad at your mom?


Haha , no :tongue: She is my friend, as are the teachers.


----------



## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

TwinAnthos said:


> Haha , no :tongue: She is my friend, as are the teachers.


Why are they your friends?


----------



## TwinAnthos (Aug 11, 2014)

Grandmaster Yoda said:


> Why are they your friends?


Because I don't view them as foes and not neutral. I also trust most teachers to some extent others more than others, so some are just acquaintances, but still. My mom I care for and I trust her, so I view her as a friend. So I view them as friends but I give them different labels of friend.


----------



## lunagattina (Nov 7, 2014)

hi..
Can I venture some interpretations?

From what you have written it seems to me that you feel the resposability of everything. You feel responsible for your mom, for your family armony, for your homeworks, for the relationships with friends and, most of all, you feel responsible for your twin. You worry about how many friends she has, whether she do her homework, about her social life, maybe about her future too?
Is it right?

Another strange question: do you feel like you are more appreciated or lucky than you sister? and maybe that she could envy your friends, social life, aspect, intelligence, personality, family relationships or something else? 

From an outsider perspective it seems like she doesn't feel to be appreciated for what she is and that she is taking shelter in her day dreaming. Maybe does she feel some sort of resentment against you because she think that you are better than her? 

If so, your trying to help her could be read as a form of superiority by her. 
She could think: "my sister think that I am so stupid, ugly and pathetic that she always has to underline how much I am worse than her. She think that I should be like her, but it is impossibile for me."

And your attempt to help her in doing her homeworks and have a social life could be read by her as attempts to control her and to show her your superiority.

What I'm trying to saying is that it is possible that your sister suffer of an inferiority complex and that you reminds her every day her insecurities. 

Could it be possible?

Honestly, have you ever noticed whether people have usually a different treatment for you and for your sister? are you more appreciated or can she think so?


----------



## aendern (Dec 28, 2013)

I don't understand the obsession over her. Just leave her alone, ya?

Do what Yoda said. Only talk to her when you have to. She clearly doesn't like you right now. Smothering her isn't going to make her like you more--the opposite.



TwinAnthos said:


> I have to juggle getting good grades, *make sure she does her school work*, supporting mom, hanging with my friends and still staying sane while not fighting with her.


Why do you have authority over her? Is your mother absent? Is there like a 7-year age gap between you and your sister? (no, because you're twins, right?)

So why are you patronizing her? No wonder she doesn't want to talk to you.


----------



## bluekitdon (Dec 19, 2012)

TwinAnthos said:


> Hi!
> 
> My sister and I we are supposedly both teenage ISTP's and even share the same enneagrams. Yet I can't understand her at all. She only sits infront of her computer watching series and reading manga. I've been trying to connect with her , but we still have lot's of unnecessary fights. I really love her , even if it's hidden way below the surface. I'd like to improve my relationship with her. Does anyone have any good tips? How can I keep my temper even? She really presses my buttons and I've found myself being exhausted by it and more irritable, and I'm worried I will take it out on the wrong person and also for my own well being. Is this some kind of long sibling phase? I'd be glad to hear from you guys on this subject as I'm rather clueless and would really appreciate your advice.


You're both teenagers, and both of you have been around long enough to know exactly what to say to get under each others' skin. It's a phase, it'll probably pass eventually.

A few suggestions.
1. Don't try to change her, reading through this thread it seems like some of your arguments are about how you think she should be doing things. It's fine to say how it makes you feel, but trying to tell her how to run her life when you're the same age will lead to fights.
2. Try a journal. Write down what you did on good days, and what you did on bad days. Try to find a pattern. Certainly teenage hormones can make that just about impossible, but my guess is you'll find some subjects or things that result in a fight a significant amount of the time. Try to avoid those areas of discussion.
3. Try to really listen to what she is saying. Just because you may not agree doesn't necessarily mean that she doesn't feel that way, some times it is better to be happy than to be right...pick your battles and let the little things go.


----------



## TwinAnthos (Aug 11, 2014)

emberfly said:


> I don't understand the obsession over her. Just leave her alone, ya?
> 
> Do what Yoda said. Only talk to her when you have to. She clearly doesn't like you right now. Smothering her isn't going to make her like you more--the opposite.
> 
> ...


I just really want to have a conversation with her that dosen't end up with us two fighting/glaring/being rude for the rest of the day. NO, forget the conversation, I can't ask her what time it is without either of us getting mad at each other. It's not how neither of us want's it to be. She dosen't enjoy fighting with me and like me thinks it's pointless, but we really don't know how to not fight with each other. We are both stubborn and have strong characters that don't like to bend to others. We both like to lead if we think us capable, and really, she thinks she's better than I am and then I get pissed, same situation reversed. I also think that neither of us understands the other properly, we say that we can see the others point when it's over, but when it really is necessary we can't. So we have limited the time we have contact, it hasnt' helped. 

She thinks I should help her since I have grades on the top of the class. When I have time to help her she won't work. And frankly , she is bad att turning in assignments and homework. Our physics/biology/chemistry teacher has pointed out that her assigments are for some reason always overdue , one hasn't been turned in for a year. Then she blames it on me.


----------



## aendern (Dec 28, 2013)

TwinAnthos said:


> She thinks I should help her since I have grades on the top of the class. When I have time to help her she won't work. And frankly , she is bad att turning in assignments and homework. Our physics/biology/chemistry teacher has pointed out that her assigments are for some reason always overdue , one hasn't been turned in for a year. Then she blames it on me.


I hope that you know (and I'm sure you already do) that when she blames it on you, it's not actually your fault. She was/is irresponsible, and it's _her_ responsibility and hers alone to turn her work in.

That was nice of you to agree to help her. If she won't cooperate, though, then there's nothing you can (or should) do. I don't think it would be good to force her to do anything. Or get mad at her for making stupid choices. As they are _her_ choices, and she has every right to make them.

No matter if they are really dumb 

I don't know how to help you. It sounds like you want to be friends with her and she doesn't reciprocate. And so the only solution is to do what I already told you--ignore her. Make her miss you by giving her the cold shoulder.

Let her realize what it feels like to no longer have something that she used to take for granted.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, ya?


^ And I don't mean don't talk to her ever. Obviously you already said you share the same friends, so you may be forced to interact. That's okay. But you don't have to spend every waking hour with her. I'm sure you can find ways to cut her out and exclude her.

Actually, excluding her and making her feel undesired and unvalued would be the perfect way to trigger her inferior Fe. She really does need a wakeup call.


----------



## Pinina (Jan 6, 2015)

Is the feeling mutual? I think one of the reasons (or THE reason), could be that you're too much alike. 
My tips would be to try to get a time where you can talk about it, if she experiences it the same way, if there's something that at some point came between you, and how you could work together to solve it. 

Have you heard about the five love languages? Try to find here love language, and use that. It has helped a lot of seemingly lost relationships before. 
Good luck!


----------



## Kebachi (May 27, 2014)

TwinAnthos said:


> I just really want to have a conversation with her that dosen't end up with us two fighting/glaring/being rude for the rest of the day. NO, forget the conversation, I can't ask her what time it is without either of us getting mad at each other. It's not how neither of us want's it to be. She dosen't enjoy fighting with me and like me thinks it's pointless, but we really don't know how to not fight with each other. We are both stubborn and have strong characters that don't like to bend to others. We both like to lead if we think us capable, and really, she thinks she's better than I am and then I get pissed, same situation reversed. I also think that neither of us understands the other properly, we say that we can see the others point when it's over, but when it really is necessary we can't. So we have limited the time we have contact, it hasnt' helped.
> 
> She thinks I should help her since I have grades on the top of the class. When I have time to help her she won't work. And frankly , she is bad att turning in assignments and homework. Our physics/biology/chemistry teacher has pointed out that her assigments are for some reason always overdue , one hasn't been turned in for a year. Then she blames it on me.


This sounds like a rough situation, sort of a: "damned if you do, damned if you don't" scenario. I sympathize, I really do. I've had to deal with impossible family members on more than one occasion :C 

I think @Lunagattina might've been onto something with the inferiority complex theory. Do you think that might be a possibility? It's also a possibility that she's just being really rebellious right now. Sort've trying to strike out on her own, to be as different as she can be from everyone else around her, most especially her twin. It's not uncommon for teens to go through such a phase, normally this is directed at the parents, but I think she almost feels parented by you of late or like she's living in your shadow. It sounds like she's trying to find her own identity. I could be off, but it's just something I picked up from what I've read here. What do you think?

I don't think you should avoid talking to her completely, but maybe limiting interaction a bit could prove helpful. As you both age the dynamics between you will continue to change, this might not be the time at which you two can bond, only clash.


----------



## stiletto (Oct 26, 2013)

Are you sure you're the same MBTI and enneagram?

Also, hormones suck. It's probably a phase but you've got some good advice on this thread so far. Leave her alone. Maybe some distance will be better in the long run.


----------

