# Why are you single?



## Flabarac Brupip (May 9, 2020)

Oh, and another thing, because I'm no longer desperate, most women that are "in my league" just don't appeal to me, so its a no brainer. I too would much rather be single than be with the majority of women.


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

ENTJudgement said:


> This has never happened to me before, I have never met a woman who I thought was amazing, wonderful, physically attractive but I thought, nah, I'm not romantically interested in her. So maybe you and I are different enough none of the stuff I say even applies to you, definitely possible coz IDK how you think and what I wrote was under the assumption that you'd be able to at least list out what you want, what you offer and when 2 sides of the equation matches, bingo.
> 
> 
> Nah it was talking about what you want vs what you provide so person X wants A B C and offers D E F, person Y wants D E F and offers A B C, bingo we have a match. But if person Y offers just L then no match, coz person X not only doesn't care about L, person X also wants 2 extra qualities ontop.
> ...


I'm not sure of "unconditional" vs. "conditional"--I don't understand what those mean to enough people. I am not sure I would love someone unconditionally. I think that there are always conditions to how I expect things to be--how I want things to be. But very superficial conditions seem like a bad thing, I don't think I'd be into those.

Like not loving someone--or choosing not to love them, because they are hurting something else you love--something defenseless, or because they are not buying your product? One is different than the other.

I would think that true love would feature 1) happiness in both people 2) Goodness in both--bringing out the good side of their personalities, but also being good for them--fostering the good in the other 3) Shared values (both need so see good similarly or at least understand it and respect it (value it) 4) A respect 

That's funny you mention "listing out" what I "want"--I have such a hard time doing that, in regards to people, because perhaps so much that I experience feels like it happens beyond what I want or do not want. I have trouble listing out what I want because I think a person is more than that--it's not something I can predict. I see no point in trying to list qualities like this.

I do think it's useful to do that, but I don't know how to do it yet. To me, a person is so much more than anything I could list--if I feel a positive feeling, or certainly if I love someone, then I am grasping to understand what makes me feel like that--I don't feel I have a handle of a list, and so it's very difficult for me to list that out...people just seem like so much more than lists?

Thank you for the response and the thought prompts!


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## Gamine (5 mo ago)

Also, I have been single enough to know that does not matter. All these long term married couples can be inspirational or a huge let down. They have nothing better to do than fuck with the single people for their own benefit. What example do they set? It is disappointing really.


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## Gamine (5 mo ago)




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## ENTJudgement (Oct 6, 2013)

WickerDeer said:


> I'm not sure of "unconditional" vs. "conditional"--I don't understand what those mean to enough people. I am not sure I would love someone unconditionally. I think that there are always conditions to how I expect things to be--how I want things to be. But very superficial conditions seem like a bad thing, I don't think I'd be into those.
> 
> Like not loving someone--or choosing not to love them, because they are hurting something else you love--something defenseless, or because they are not buying your product? One is different than the other.
> 
> ...


It's just a simplified way of saying conditional love is give and take so USUALLY people don't like it when they feel like they gave too much and got back too little so it's just a mathematical expression for people to communicate what they want to take vs what they're willing to give and to place a value on it so if I want to take X and it's worth 10 pnts to me and u see me offer Y which is worth 10 points to u then the equation is balanced.

I totally understand what you're saying about not knowing what you want, difficult to quantify, express and want to experience it in the moment to decide but it's that exact behavior that results in the spit at the wall and see what sticks result. I also can't quantify, express and know exactly what I want but I know enough to make a list and can communicate up front what I want and what I'm willing to give with enough accuracy for it to be somewhat meaningful.

It's certainly not iron clad and 100% accurate but for an ENTJ, its hell of a lot more reliable than spitting at the wall and see how it goes while also discriminately deciding who to give a chance to without some kind of "fairness" coz what if she just picked a bad day for me? I would ensure she gets fair opportunity even if I was having a bad day by telling her normally I would give you a chance, I'm in a bad mood today but I know thats my fault so lets exchange numbers and I'll get back to you when I'm back to normal?


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## shameless (Apr 21, 2014)

@ENTJudgement

I can only take most of what you said as a compliment. Thank You.

I am bisexual.

So you are right in that if the subject is a man those traits seem like a no brainer. I suspect I know why I do not usually find most males in my area attractive, or butt heads. which is probably close to what you touch on and mention. 

Now I'd say for kicks scoot on over to the newly society revamped bisexual/lesbian section on any dating site. I assure ya everything I mentioned below comes up and starts to matter.



shameless said:


> Being attracted to someone who identifies as a human, that identifies as either male or female, isn't always drunk, and is not already in a relationship


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## ENTJudgement (Oct 6, 2013)

shameless said:


> @ENTJudgement
> 
> I can only take most of what you said as a compliment. Thank You.
> 
> ...


Oh, I didn't know you were a bisexual, I thought the whole gender thing was just you having a dig at apache attack copter and zyss/hahsad/ahdfd/shdhww/sssss/fhjfhff or w/e the pronouns are up to now identifiers.

If what I said didn't outright offend you, it's probably a compliment


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## bifurcations (Jan 31, 2021)

I've kind of been traumatized after this fancy rich dude approached me and said, "Aren't you sick of dating _stupid_ men?"

And it really hit me like... _Wow, I really have been dating men that probably aren't anywhere near my intellectual equal. I never thought of it that way. Is that what's been going wrong this whole time? Has fear of being a snob prevented me from achieving romantic success?_

And then he wanted me to be his little mistress and was like, "I just want to hold someone with a mind like my own!"

And I was thinking, _Um, I'm not going to be the one to break up your family, dude, even if I could use the money right now._

But I felt bad for him and gave him a little hug.

Ever since then, I've ignored most of the guys who have approached me and have tried to be the one to initiate something when I see that someone really has a lot of brains and a moral compass as well. I don't feel attractive anymore, but I'll risk rejection anyway. I've gone after a physicist and an engineer, and they were both scared shitless. I've never been with another woman, but I'd consider going for a brilliant woman if I could find an appropriate one.

I'm totally fine with being single because it's usually just so much drama, but I do very strongly wish I had a larger network of people I knew I could count on if I was in trouble.


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## shameless (Apr 21, 2014)

ENTJudgement said:


> Oh, I didn't know you were a bisexual, I thought the whole gender thing was just you having a dig at apache attack copter and zyss/hahsad/ahdfd/shdhww/sssss/fhjfhff or w/e the pronouns are up to now identifiers.
> 
> If what I said didn't outright offend you, it's probably a compliment


No I realized you must not have known. And no you did not offend me.


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## shameless (Apr 21, 2014)

@bifurcations 
Interesting revelation to make you have this pause. 

@islandlight 
I related alot to what you mentioned on the isolated location, and also what you were bringing up with mentality of townies in small areas


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## intranst (Jul 13, 2021)

Why am I single? Cuz ENTJ women are rare as fuck. Sorry, last one lol


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## beth x (Mar 4, 2010)

I always do better at life when I'm single. Sharing a bed is untenable to me. Sharing a bathroom is yuk. I'm completely put off by snoring and being hugged by a sweaty person. I just want my own bed OK.


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## shameless (Apr 21, 2014)

intranst said:


> Why am I single? Cuz ENTJ women are rare as fuck. Sorry, last one lol


Now you have high standards


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## intranst (Jul 13, 2021)

Cuddling is great til you get elbowed in the eye by someone half asleep (true story).


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## ENTJudgement (Oct 6, 2013)

bifurcations said:


> I've kind of been traumatized after this fancy rich dude approached me and said, "Aren't you sick of dating _stupid_ men?"


PUA artists and men who like to "game" women love to put other men down and make you think hes "better" than the rest. Basically if a guy ever comes up to you and says some condescending shit towards other men (his competition), it's probably a red flag even if he happens to be the smartest, or richest, or best looking in the area coz you're gonna have 2 deal with that attitude later on, especially if you have some inadequacies of your own coz hes not gonna overlook that shit lol.


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## ENTJudgement (Oct 6, 2013)

intranst said:


> Cuddling is great til you get elbowed in the eye by someone half asleep (true story).


Put some elbow pads on her.


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## shameless (Apr 21, 2014)

beth x said:


> I always do better at life when I'm single. Sharing a bed is untenable to me. Sharing a bathroom is yuk. I'm completely put off by snoring and being hugged by a sweaty person. I just want my own bed OK.


Yeah cohabitating not ideal to me. I still want someone for companionship though outside that.


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## Gamine (5 mo ago)




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## shameless (Apr 21, 2014)

What is with you all and this Jolene bitch


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## intranst (Jul 13, 2021)

shameless said:


> Now you have high standards


Just for the record I’m not after her money, I’m after psychological compatibility haha


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## Gamine (5 mo ago)




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## intranst (Jul 13, 2021)

Gamine said:


> Is that supposed to be your answer?


Just a comment, but not to worry, I’ll have everyone typed once my Patreon is up and running.


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## Flabarac Brupip (May 9, 2020)

Gamine said:


> Is that supposed to be your answer?


Boy, you're a tough customer.


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## Gamine (5 mo ago)

Flabarac Brupip said:


> Boy, you're a tough customer.


What am I supposed to be buying is more the question. Just because I read it, does not make it true. Nuff said.


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## Gamine (5 mo ago)

intranst said:


> Just a comment, but not to worry, I’ll have everyone typed once my Patreon is up and running.


Do not back out on me now. You have it down, no?


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## intranst (Jul 13, 2021)

Gamine said:


> Do not back out on me now. You have it down, no?


Lol I can’t right now I need ramen before I type, trust the process.


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## Gamine (5 mo ago)

You can do it. I have faith in you... 😇


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## Gamine (5 mo ago)

intranst said:


> Lol I can’t right now I need ramen before I type, trust the process.


Fill that belly and get back to me. I can be patient. Almost to an underestimated degree.


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## Flabarac Brupip (May 9, 2020)

Gamine said:


> What am I supposed to be buying is more the question. Just because I read it, does not make it true. Nuff said.


I was not trying to say whether or not it was true btw.


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## ENTJudgement (Oct 6, 2013)

shameless said:


> @ENTJudgement
> 
> So are you waiting for INFP female.
> 
> Or not as picky as Intranst


Lol I feel like if I start listing out shit that I think makes me single rather than just a "high standards" one liner, people are gonna be all like "but I don't mind X and Y, or X and Y don't apply to me! Your assumptions are way off base!" 

Kinda like how you and beth were like;

You;
"Identify as a human, either male or female"
"Not a drunk"
"Not already in a relationship"

beth;
"Don't snore in bed"
"Don't be sweaty"

Me;
I'm like really? I ID as a human male, don't drink, not in a relationship, don't snore and not sweaty in bed, would trigger me if there was any sweat in the bed TBH. And from my experience, noone cares that I'm all of the above, they aren't stuff that attracts women to you, they're stuff that repulses women from you if you were to do it so they belong in the "expected" category rather than the "desirable" category. 

I think a lot of people are afraid to list their "desirable" category coz they don't wanna be labelled as "picky" or "shallow" or "high standards" or "high maintenance/hard to please" and don't wanna come off seeming like a dick or get told what they value is wrong. Too many people only care about 1 side of the equation: What they want and not enough stops to think about the second half which is what they provide and whether that matches with what the other person wants. 

To make matters more complicated, it's often the case that what you want has an element of scarcity as we live in a duality world so "pretty" or "smart" or "wealthy/successful" are all traits that are relative to the people you compare them against meaning for 1 woman to be "pretty" there must be a plethora of "ugly" women to create the 1 "pretty" woman otherwise all women just look the same and thus noone is pretty. For there to be 1 "successful" man, there must be a bunch of mediocre workers beneath him to make him seemingly "successful" and for every "smart" person, there has to be a bunch of idiots to fodder for the "smart" person otherwise noone is smart.

But to answer your question, I'm not holding out for any MBTI type, I just expect her to be;

*Loyal.* Without loyalty, there is no relationship so yeah, automatically gets first spot, assuming monogamy.

*Reasonable.* Being reasonable encompasses a lot like no double standards/hypocrisy, treat me as you like to be treated, fair, rational in decision making and in general, not doing unreasonable shit like gotta check up on me every 15mins, looking through my social media and picking a fight with me everytime you see a female like a pic of mine, not wasting money or spending what we don't have, don't be in a cult or so religious that it makes our current life meaningless etc... I mostly just want the equation to be balanced, I don't want to see it lopsided in favor of either direction, if its lopsided my way, I'ma feel bad and automatically try balance it, if it's lopsided your way then I'm gonna question whether you really care bout me or you're just looking for utility/ a carry in life etc...

*Physically attractive.* You don't need to look like a model, you just need to look physically attractive enough so I'm physically attracted to you otherwise why can't we just be good friends? I'm too logical in that aspect, categories are there for a reason, romantic relationships imply sex and physical attraction, otherwise why can't we stay in the friends category?

*Smart enough.* You don't need to be extremely intelligent, you just need to be smart enough to at least make good/valid points during a decision making process or understanding why I'm picking to go with B over A etc... Basically just be able to make good decisions.

I think those 4 traits are enough for me, I think it's a reasonable list, I haven't included anything frivolous (in my opinion) like has to like dogs over cats or must be a Libra star sign or must love coffee or must be 420 or needs to have ink or w/e. I also didn't include hobbies and common interests coz I personally don't think thats all that important, as long as shes reasonable, I would entertain myself with my group of friends when it comes to hobbies and interests and she would do the same on her side, from experience, this doesn't make nor break relationships unless 1 party is forcing it onto the other who doesn't want to or have no interest in it.


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## shameless (Apr 21, 2014)

Gamine said:


> Fill that belly and get back to me. I can be patient. Almost to an underestimated degree.


I ate earlier

I was going to guess NTP 5w6

*But I am not the self proclaimed typing expert


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## Gamine (5 mo ago)

shameless said:


> I ate earlier
> 
> I was going to guess NTP 5w6
> 
> *But I am not the self proclaimed typing expert


TBH I would not admit the guesses either. I am more curious when people state their skills and answers. I find them interesting. I prefer no box(es)


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## Gamine (5 mo ago)

Intereting but, I wll admit- You are off enny though. @shameless


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## Flabarac Brupip (May 9, 2020)

Gamine said:


> Intereting but, I wll admit- You are off enny though. @shameless


Admit it, she's right!  jk


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## ENTJudgement (Oct 6, 2013)

intranst said:


> Although I fucked up last night and typed an ENFP as ESFP like an amateur.


Mate, I don't even know the diff between the 2


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## Gamine (5 mo ago)

Flabarac Brupip said:


> I was not trying to say whether or not it was true btw.


No offense taken. I really do not care.


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## Gamine (5 mo ago)

Flabarac Brupip said:


> Admit it, she's right!  jk


You are a wanna be cute? Sure. She is right


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## Flabarac Brupip (May 9, 2020)

Gamine said:


> You are a wanna be cute? Sure. She is right


?


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## shameless (Apr 21, 2014)

Flabarac Brupip said:


> Admit it, she's right!  jk


I just get a vibe off most TP females. That was why I suspected it. 




ENTJudgement said:


> Mate, I don't even know the diff between the 2


Reflecting on my time spent with ENFP ex spouse & ESFP older sis

ENFP gets fucked up and builds a unique machine that will never have any resale use, but is definitely interesting.

ESFP gets fucked up and finds someone to buy the machine the ENFP made fucked up

Hehe


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## Gamine (5 mo ago)

Flabarac Brupip said:


> ?


What do you think I am?


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## Kintsugi (May 17, 2011)

I'm single because.....I'm just not that interested or bothered about dating & (romantic) relationships, I guess?

I _love _my own company, and have already tried out the whole marriage and "till death do us part" thing, lol. I suspect if I ever were to seriously start dating again that it would likely not look like your typical kinda relationship.

So I'm not closed to it....but also not seeking it either 🤷‍♀️


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## JimT (May 31, 2010)

shameless said:


> Obviously only asking if that is the case.


In response to the OP, here is why I'm currently single.

I got separated/divorced 15 years ago. It was easy to start socializing again via Meetup.com and joining groups for retirees and people over 50. And I do like friends and community and all that. But single older women are pretty hungry to secure a partner in retirement. They see a man who is in pretty good health and financially secure, and that's all they need to know. A lot of the older women see me as a prime relationship prospect and throw themselves at me pretty aggressively right from the very first moment. And they tend to outnumber men by far at all the retiree social events.

Even when I tell them I'm a confirmed bachelor and not looking for a partner, they say "Same here," and then they wait a week or so, then they start throwing themselves at me again and climbing all over me if they can catch me alone. So I find I have to tread carefully and keep the boundaries real high.

And even if I try to do some light dating or set up something intimate, it doesn't last. Pretty quick they're pushing for marriage, and that's just not going to happen on my watch. And then there's all that women's empowerment stuff lately, which has tended to increase women's sense of entitlement about what's due them in a relationship...

Anyway, some years ago I decided I wanted to work on personal projects and I cut out most or all the socializing. Then the MeToo stuff happened, and I was doubly glad to be off the market. Frankly it's easier just to swear off romance and sex altogether than to try to maneuver through that minefield. I'm an introvert. I can get by just fine without that stuff.

Anyway, I'm not looking for commentary or sympathy. I'm just answering the question in the OP.

******
Just adding:

I said above: _"And then there's all that women's empowerment stuff lately, which has tended to increase women's sense of entitlement about what's due them in a relationship..."_ and mentioned MeToo.

If anyone asks: I'm referring to women's attitude that men are incompetent or incapable of emotional maturity in relationships. So women increasingly feel that it's up to them to dictate how the relationship should go. I don't mind if a woman wants to have an _equal_ say in a relationship and negotiate terms. But what I've seen in recent years is women simply ignoring my input and assuming that they are the final authority on how a relationship works. And if I disagree with them, they act like my disagreement constitutes some kind of emotional abuse or something. When that kind of attitude appears (and it happens a lot), I just show them the door. We don't have anything more to talk about at that point.

Again, not looking for a debate here. Just answering the OP and speaking only for myself and my own experience.


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## shameless (Apr 21, 2014)

@JimT
I was not going to argue ya. I was going to say you must have met my mother 🤣. I swear ya described her. I’m dying of laughter. So no pity or argument


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## ENTJudgement (Oct 6, 2013)

JimT said:


> So women increasingly feel that it's up to them to dictate how the relationship should go. I don't mind if a woman wants to have an _equal_ say in a relationship and negotiate terms. But what I've seen in recent years is women simply ignoring my input and assuming that they are the final authority on how a relationship works. And if I disagree with them, they act like my disagreement constitutes some kind of emotional abuse or something. When that kind of attitude appears (and it happens a lot), I just show them the door. We don't have anything more to talk about at that point.


If you need a political movement to tell you how you should behave in a relationship then you're beyond help.


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## SouDesuNyan (Sep 8, 2015)

I have no sense of urgency when it comes to getting into a romantic relationship although I'm close to 40. I have thought about it, and I'm fine if I don't get into one again. It was a good experience when I had a girlfriend, and the memories are good enough. There's no need to repeat the experience.

Also, I had tried dating a few years after my ex-gf and I separated. That experience was not as good because the girl was very clingy. It took me like 3 months to convince her to leave me, and then about a year or so of being stalked online. I prefer staying single than experience that again.


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## JimT (May 31, 2010)

ENTJudgement said:


> If you need a political movement to tell you how you should behave in a relationship then you're beyond help.


Ultimately any couple is just two people who presumably _want _to be together, and they should be able to work that out between themselves without resorting to browbeating each other with politics. And I would say that's the case for 99.99% of people when they first get together.

But time passes, disdain creeps in, the nagging and criticism start up, and then suddenly you're getting hit with a lot of a lot of victim-playing, political labels, etc.

An anecdote: After 10 years together things got rancorous between me and my second ex, and one day she pulled out a chart of the Duluth Model "domestic violence wheel." She said that she could take anything I might say or do to her and use the Duluth Model to twist it around and make it to look like domestic violence for use in court. I had always treated her like a princess and she knew it; so she probably thought that she was being funny and/or setting some boundaries. (She was a hoarder and a control freak; as far as I was concerned, this was just another control-freak game of hers.) But I took it as a warning and moved out of the house the next day. Divorces are traditionally rife with false domestic violence claims. If she was going in that direction, that's all I needed to know.

Link to the Duluth Model: Power and Control: Using the Duluth Wheel in Practice (dvact.org)

Personally I don't have any need for charts to tell me when it's time to go. Especially if it's just a girlfriend or whatever. If she's nagging or criticizing all the time, then I figure she doesn't have my back and I'm out of there. If she's throwing tantrums, then she's an emotional child and I'm out of there. And so on. Either we're treating each other well or we're not, in which case it's time to leave.

It's about having values. Live up to a certain standard for maturity and adulthood yourself, and insist that your partner do the same.

Just my own opinion, of course.


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## Flabarac Brupip (May 9, 2020)

JimT said:


> An anecdote: After 10 years together things got rancorous between me and my second ex, and one day she pulled out a chart of the Duluth Model "domestic violence wheel" and said that she could take anything I might say or do to her and use the Duluth Model to make it to look like domestic violence for use in court. I had always treated her like a princess and she knew it; so she probably thought that she was being funny and/or setting some boundaries. (She was a hoarder and a control freak; as far as I was concerned, this was just another control freak ploy of hers.) But I took it as a warning and moved out of the house the next day. Divorces are traditionally rife with false domestic violence claims. If she was going in that direction, that's all I needed to know.


That's just not even funny to joke about. She deserved to lose you for even saying that shit. Its complete lack of understanding and insensitivity to guy issues. But sometimes that just passes as "okay" nowadays.


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## JimT (May 31, 2010)

Flabarac Brupip said:


> That's just not even funny to joke about. She deserved to lose you for even saying that shit. Its complete lack of understanding and insensitivity to guy issues. But sometimes that just passes as "okay" nowadays.


Thanks. But it's the way of the world today.

I put up with a lot of shit from her up until that point. But once she said that, it was a no-brainer: It was time to leave after she said that. 

It taught me a lesson, and I've been quick to pull the trigger on any bad relationship ever since then.


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## Flabarac Brupip (May 9, 2020)

JimT said:


> Thanks. But it's the way of the world today.
> 
> I put up with a lot of shit from her up until that point. But once she said that, it was a no-brainer: It was time to leave after she said that.
> 
> It taught me a lesson, and I've been quick to pull the trigger on any bad relationship ever since then.


I hope she at least felt sorry and learned something from the experience.


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## JimT (May 31, 2010)

Flabarac Brupip said:


> I hope she at least felt sorry and learned something from the experience.


Lol. Nope. She was a control freak, and control freaks have to win or they just get more pissed. She perceived my moving out as just one more act of rebellion on my part, one more reason to hate me and try to get revenge.

We lived separately for six months (the waiting period for the divorce), and she took every opportunity to show her disdain for me when I stopped by to mow the lawn or do repairs on the house or whatever. Once the time arrived to file for divorce, I was done with her shit. I told her to get a lawyer and insisted on channeling all communications through the lawyers. And that was it. Hostile divorce over the course of two years while she kicked and screamed and tried to tie everything up in legal knots, a couple hundred thousand dollars down the drain on lawyer and court costs. And then of course alimony and giving her half of the remaining assets. 

She tried to get in touch once by letter after the divorce was ending and I was moving out of the area, and I told her to blow it out her ass. Frankly she was such a freak that I no longer cared if she was sincere or just playing more head games. I was done with it.

Sometimes there's no karma, no recompense, no silver lining to the cloud. You just take the loss and head on down the road to the next waystation. I was just happy to be free.


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## Rihanna (Nov 30, 2020)

I mean a lot factors into this, but it boils down to I've just never met anyone whom I've thought to myself.. 

...Yes, I want to tie my fate to this person for the ever foreseeable future in the context of the generally assumed framework of a romantic relationship. 

(Caveat: If we're just talking non-serious relationships then it's just because I don't value that dynamic of interaction. Blame my dominant Ni (?))

I honestly don't even think about it.
I'm not looking? But I don't think that's what prevents it. Sometimes looking for things is counter intuitive. 

Its genuinely a lack of desire. (not to conflate with a particular desire of the opposite.) A lot of people don't get not considering romantic relationships a necessary bedrock need/desire/experience of human satisfaction. 

I don't see it (being in a relationship) as impossible. At all. I don't see it as undesirable. In fact it's quite lovely of an idea if done right. Or manifest in the ideal or healthy sort of dynamics. (Unlike most relationships that seem to be around these days, which I find often are for the wrong reasons, built on shaky foundations, or lead by pressure from finances or culture or unhealthy dependance structure or otherwise, and end quickly in messy breakups or divorce rates etc.)

But as others and you have said a lot of things factor into it. General reclusive lifestyle leads to less chance meetings, the general lack of quality of character/intellect in those in the environment, standards, being a unique person with a more unique set of needs/narrower pool of type of ppl you'll jive with, generally not feeling like being in a relationship is necessarily any better of a state than not being in one etc.


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## Summer70 (Feb 27, 2021)

I love being in a relationship and was very committed to my (still very supportive) ex-partner. But I've been living major transformations and am still highly unstable right now. I feel the strong need to be single in order to evolve, and wouldn't be able to make any reasonable partnership choice until I get at the end of my tunnel. I'll only consider a partner after my internal landscape stabilizes.


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## R.O.B. (Aug 1, 2015)

I'm still in love with my ex-wife.


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## Kintsugi (May 17, 2011)

I still haven't got over my best friends passing....


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## Shodan (Nov 17, 2016)

Because every single relationship I've ever been in ended in disaster (some of them major, with lasting effects), and as a consequence I became moody, irritable, impatient, difficult to get along with; that fuse got quite short. I have very little patience or tolerance for nonsense nowadays, my standards became insanely high. All of this considered - I definitely wouldn't date me that's for sure, so it's safe to assume that neither would anybody else.

And that's fine 🤷‍♂️


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## CountZero (Sep 28, 2012)

'Cause I'm too much of a nutter to navigate normal dating. Too much trauma and other crap to go through the normal process. Sometimes I'll get lucky when a friend turns into something more, but that's rare. Had a bit of luck with online dating, but also had a real horror show too. So...?


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## Kintsugi (May 17, 2011)

CountZero said:


> 'Cause I'm too much of a nutter to navigate normal dating. Too much trauma and other crap to go through the normal process. Sometimes I'll get lucky when a friend turns into something more, but that's rare. Had a bit of luck with online dating, but also had a real horror show too. So...?


It's relatable 😅


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## rosesandgold (Jun 12, 2015)

Why am I single?

It just happened. I had never been so focused on romantic relationships. I did think about wanting to be in a relationship, but I wasn't desperate for it either. Also I used to be really shy and introverted. I felt safer talking to people online than talk to people in real life. I spend so much time at home that I have not gotten the opportunities to meet people.

I habe been taking steps to put myself out there more. But I am also worried about what happened almost 4 years ago. All that pain that I felt, all that heartbreak over someone that took me two years to recover from, but I still struggle letting go. I had never been in a relationship with that person, but the pain was enough for a relationship that lasted a lifetime.

I do think that I am a strong person. But I also have learned I can feel deeply. I do worry how I'd be if I were ever in a relationship and we broke up or they died. I'd like to think I'll be stronger the next heartbreak happens. That I will be able to cope. But you never know how you will react to something in the future.

I would like to have emotional and physical intimacy with someone. I would want a partnership.

But I also want to be careful with my heart. While my world is small, I have no friends in real life, I do not want to just date anyone who gives me attention.


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

Sometimes people need to be single, I think. I feel like this is one of those times for me when I only need to focus on myself and the direction I need to/want to go in.

Even posting last night (kinda drunk ok?) and getting up this morning, thinking "fuck it" about how I may have offended someone, even someone important to me...sometimes I just need to be alone to really get in touch with myself. I don't like hurting people and I definitely like the idea of being in a romantic relationship--or a very very trusted and close relationship.

But the reality is, that I wake up to, is that I need to be alone right now...still...after ugh what twelve years now? To figure myself out. I'm closer to getting myself back than when I lost myself in my relationship with my ex, and perhaps I'm just a slow learner. But I don't mind being alone, compared to being with the wrong person.

And sometimes I really just need to be alone to grow. It reminds me of a tree in winter. So as much as I know that I miss something I never really had, I also am grateful for being alone. It's better than expecting the world to conform to my ideal--just being alone to focus on it, and accepting that right now I won't get what I want because I don't need that.


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## CountZero (Sep 28, 2012)

WickerDeer said:


> Sometimes people need to be single


But there's the rub. Being alone all or most of the time is connected with all sorts of lousy outcomes, like depression and early death. Some have even said that being alone is worse than smoking a two packs of cigarettes a day. Humans are social beings, and are hardwired to need other people around. So what's a guy (or gal) to do?


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## JennyJukes (Jun 29, 2012)

CountZero said:


> But there's the rub. Being alone all or most of the time is connected with all sorts of lousy outcomes, like depression and early death. Some have even said that being alone is worse than smoking a two packs of cigarettes a day. Humans are social beings, and are hardwired to need other people around. So what's a guy (or gal) to do?


Loneliness, maybe. But that's not the same as not being in a relationship. Even in a relationship I prefer to have an active social life and rely on my friends for some of my emotional needs. 

There are studies that say childless, single women are the happiest of all. And married men live healthier lives than unmarried men because their wives "nag" them to go to the doctor and having a family motivates a man to do well in their career for example, so they can provide for them.


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## CountZero (Sep 28, 2012)

@JennyJukes Your comment reminds me of a Greek philosopher by the name of Epicurus. In a nutshell, he theorized (and tried to practice) that the best life was one of simple pleasures and close friends. That did not necessarily include romantic partners...


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## intranst (Jul 13, 2021)

Yeah I’m kinda in the same boat, you’re not gonna experience much loneliness with a well rounded social life. I’d say ironically it’s a good thing for introverts since they don’t then put so much pressure on potential significant others.


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## CountZero (Sep 28, 2012)

M'kay, I'm gonna call out the elephant in the room. What about libido? 

Sure, there are ways to address it solo. But they can be pretty unsatisfying, especially over the long haul. When I was younger, I had to resort to certain medications to keep from going bonkers. It's easier now that I'm older, but can still tie me up in knots at times...


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## intranst (Jul 13, 2021)

CountZero said:


> M'kay, I'm gonna call out the elephant in the room. What about libido?
> 
> Sure, there are ways to address it solo. But they can be pretty unsatisfying, especially over the long haul. When I was younger, I had to resort to certain medications to keep from going bonkers. It's easier now that I'm older, but can still tie me up in knots at times...


Lol I got this one. If you’re thinking about sex a lot and/or want to explore your sexuality I would say don’t get in a committed long term relationship cuz you’re putting unfair pressure on a single person, unless you’re willing to accept that you’re going to have to compromise on that aspect of yourself. Sure maybe you do also want the emotional closeness of said relationship but you really can’t have everything without undermining the other person’s interests in this regard.


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## CountZero (Sep 28, 2012)

@intranst I get where you're coming from. But for me anyway, due to life experiences, I find myself unable to treat sex as a simple transaction, you-use-me-and-I'll-use-you. Using people, or being used,_really_ raises my hackles. Some will say I need to adjust my hackles (LOL) but I don't see that happening anytime soon.


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## JennyJukes (Jun 29, 2012)

CountZero said:


> @JennyJukes Your comment reminds me of a Greek philosopher by the name of Epicurus. In a nutshell, he theorized (and tried to practice) that the best life was one of simple pleasures and close friends. That did not necessarily include romantic partners...


Plus, I've been lonely whilst in relationships. That sucked, hard. You can find the love of your life and then lose them - who will help you pick up the pieces? You need support around you. In the past I've been hyper focused on romantic relationships, us against the world, co-dependent stuff, but you need your friends around you just in case. 


CountZero said:


> M'kay, I'm gonna call out the elephant in the room. What about libido?
> 
> Sure, there are ways to address it solo. But they can be pretty unsatisfying, especially over the long haul. When I was younger, I had to resort to certain medications to keep from going bonkers. It's easier now that I'm older, but can still tie me up in knots at times...


Lucky for me I only have a libido if I'm already in love! No love, no problem


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## intranst (Jul 13, 2021)

CountZero said:


> @intranst I get where you're coming from. But for me anyway, due to life experiences, I find myself unable to treat sex as a simple transaction, you-use-me-and-I'll-use-you. Using people, or being used,_really_ raises my hackles. Some will say I need to adjust my hackles (LOL) but I don't see that happening anytime soon.


I would then ask what makes sex a transaction when it’s outside a relationship? It doesn’t need to be viewed this way, if you trust and respect your sex partner/partners then you’ll want to make each other feel good, so it won’t be like I did this for you now you do this for me.


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## CountZero (Sep 28, 2012)

@intranst Sigh, true confession time I guess. If it's with someone I don't trust, it's likely to provoke panic attacks (remember the nutter part?) If it is with someone I trust that much, it's already a romantic relationship or well on the way.


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## intranst (Jul 13, 2021)

CountZero said:


> @intranst Sigh, true confession time I guess. If it's with someone I don't trust, it's likely to provoke panic attacks (remember the nutter part?) If it is with someone I trust that much, it's already a romantic relationship or well on the way.


Makes sense to me, guess you just gotta find a girl with a high libido. Just don’t wait too long before getting into those conversations.


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## CountZero (Sep 28, 2012)

intranst said:


> Makes sense to me, guess you just gotta find a girl with a high libido. Just don’t wait too long before getting into those conversations.


Unfortunately, even that can be problematic. Just approaching someone, or being approached, can be triggering for my feeble mind. My lizard hindbrain has gotten wired in such a way that arousal = mortal danger, _unless_ that trust element is there. That's why the friend vector works - sometimes. Fun stuff...


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## Crowbo (Jul 9, 2017)

Because I'm on the autism spectrum, and I say this is a reason not because my social skills are deficient because that isn't the case. I say this because I feel that this limits the amount of women that would be a proper match for me romantically. I don't consider that to be the end of the world but me being on the spectrum undeniably makes dating more complicated.

I also live in a rural small town where I don't feel like I fit in even though I've spent nearly my whole life there.

I don't often try frequently enough to put myself out there and meet new people so I'm hardly ever put in positions where I can meet potential romantic partners.

To be completely honest here, I'm not quite sure what I want when it comes to romance and I have no idea who Mrs Right would be like for me.

And lastly, it's because I'm not looking for a relationship. I don't actively pursue women nor have I met any that I would consider to be GF material. I'd much rather prefer to live life in the best way that I see fit and reach every conceivable goal involved in the things that I love to do. If someone else ever comes along than that's great but whatever happens, happens.


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## recycled_lube_oil (Sep 30, 2021)

Studying for a degree whilst working full time has meant my social life has dissipated. 
But I can see the finish line now as far as the degree goes.
I also despise online dating/dating apps, so if I am not being sociable I will not meet anyone.


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## intranst (Jul 13, 2021)

recycled_lube_oil said:


> Studying for a degree whilst working full time has meant my social life has dissipated.
> But I can see the finish line now as far as the degree goes.
> I also despise online dating/dating apps, so if I am not being sociable I will not meet anyone.


I am so bad at attracting people on dating apps cuz everyone goes for the almost fake looking profiles that express modest humor, like yeah that type of marketing makes someone appear easy going and approachable but idk, I don’t like having to do it just to talk to people. I’m actually more comfortable in person after the initial introduction.


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## UpClosePersonal (Apr 18, 2014)

Crowbo said:


> Because I'm on the autism spectrum, and I say this is a reason not because my social skills are deficient because that isn't the case. I say this because I feel that this limits the amount of women that would be a proper match for me romantically. I don't consider that to be the end of the world but me being on the spectrum undeniably makes dating more complicated.
> 
> I also live in a rural small town where I don't feel like I fit in even though I've spent nearly my whole life there.
> 
> ...


Makes sense. I really don't understand autism. I only have sense of it from watching the movie, Rainman.
I tried to read the book, The Autistic Brain, by Temple Grandin, but it didn't give me a sense of what it is to be autistic.


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## islandlight (Aug 13, 2013)

ENTJudgement said:


> If you need a political movement to tell you how you should behave in a relationship then you're beyond help.


I was going to say something similar. You said it better!


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## Gamine (5 mo ago)

intranst said:


> I’ll throw a couple dollars on @Gamine being INFJ. I used statistics to figure that one out 👏(me dusting off dirt)


Throwing money? This is the new strip club or gambling arena?  I like this thread. Entertaining. How about you collaborate with Shameless and then come up with a final answer.  I will still deny any of them in a nice evasive -without lying way.

On a side note. I enjoy your posts.

Wait... How did you come to that conclusion?


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## Gamine (5 mo ago)

ENTJudgement said:


> Imagine not needing maths/stats to figure shit out coz your "intuition" already knew the answer, neklvl shit yo.


What is yours then?


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## intranst (Jul 13, 2021)

Gamine said:


> Throwing money? This is the new strip club or gambling arena?  I like this thread. Entertaining. How about you collaborate with Shameless and then come up with a final answer.  I will still deny any of them in a nice evasive -without lying way.
> 
> On a side note. I enjoy your posts.
> 
> Wait... How did you come to that conclusion?


The way you talk just points me in the INFJ direction haha there are trends in writing styles and type, you could be ESTP too maybe but I don’t think so. Typing in person is easier cuz I can see mannerism trends, guess I forgot to mention that. Well, it does tie into how functions manifest so there’s that. And thanks for reading


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## Gamine (5 mo ago)

intranst said:


> The way you talk just points me in the INFJ direction haha there are trends in writing styles and type, you could be ESTP too maybe but I don’t think so. Typing in person is easier cuz I can see mannerism trends, guess I forgot to mention that. Well, it does tie into how functions manifest so there’s that. And thanks for reading


I emote on occasion on here. I get your point.


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