# Socializing freely without fear.



## Monsieur Melancholy (Nov 16, 2012)

I just wanted to know how you are able to socialize freely without worrying about what other people think about you or say about you.

A general question, really. I'm hoping for some broad responses about how different people handle this. I know self-confidence and self-esteem are big ones that are most likely going to come up, but any suggestions expanding on that would be super.

I suffer from social anxiety disorder and this is a big issue of contention for me.

Any help is appreciated. Thanks!


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## RandomNote (Apr 10, 2013)

You just stop caring about those people in general, then their opinions have as much value as dirt.


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## shefa (Aug 23, 2012)

The best advice my therapist ever gave me was to feign confidence. People will view you differently- and thus respond to you with more respect and interest. Then, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy: After a while, you actually start to feel confident and believe in your social abilities. Once you truly feel good about yourself, you naturally come to care less about what people think. Of course, everyone is different, but it worked for me. Hope that helps!


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## carlaviii (Jul 25, 2012)

Monsieur Melancholy said:


> I just wanted to know how you are able to socialize freely without worrying about what other people think about you or say about you.


I have a general map of what conversation topics are the best fit for a given situation. If you make an XY graph where X is a measure of how personal/odd/sensitive a topic is and Y is how well you know a person (stranger/acquaintance/intimate friend) you get a distribution of non-sensitive topics for strangers, highly sensitive topics for intimate friends... 

Or that's the nerdy way to go about it, at least.


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## Monsieur Melancholy (Nov 16, 2012)

carlaviii said:


> I have a general map of what conversation topics are the best fit for a given situation. If you make an XY graph where X is a measure of how personal/odd/sensitive a topic is and Y is how well you know a person (stranger/acquaintance/intimate friend) you get a distribution of non-sensitive topics for strangers, highly sensitive topics for intimate friends...
> 
> Or that's the nerdy way to go about it, at least.


Great. I thought my days of plotting X and Y coordinates on a graph were over with. :dry:


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## carlaviii (Jul 25, 2012)

Monsieur Melancholy said:


> Great. I thought my days of plotting X and Y coordinates on a graph were over with. :dry:


Can you believe people think they're never going to use it IRL? roud:

Srsly, though, I have a set of topics that I'll talk about in social/low-intimacy situations because they're "safe". By which I mean it's very difficult for someone to turn hurtful about it. (obvious example: the weather) Talking about those things does not make me anxious.


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## I am me (Mar 4, 2013)

Monsieur Melancholy said:


> I just wanted to know how you are able to socialize freely without worrying about what other people think about you or say about you.
> 
> A general question, really. I'm hoping for some broad responses about how different people handle this. I know self-confidence and self-esteem are big ones that are most likely going to come up, but any suggestions expanding on that would be super.
> 
> ...


I was paranoid about this for a while. Then I told someone about it and the feeling just went away. I would be too scared that i would write something and it would be analyzed- even when i was younger i wouldn't write anything personal. Also, once I let out that i felt this way I realized that people really didn't pay that much attention. And even the people who do remember every detail are the quiet ones like me, and feel the same way. Also, PerC helped with this a lot because it is anonymous so I could share. Then i realized i could share in life as well. So my advice is to realize that most people don't remember as much as you and that you are not the only person they are watching. Also, tell someone irl that you feel that way if you feel up to it and it will really help. This is what happened with me because the paranoia (not sure if that is the right word) was taking over my life to a certain extent. I don't know if this happens to you as strongly, or maybe it happens to you more strongly, but if you want to try these methods and even if you don't i wish you good luck.


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## Animal (May 29, 2012)

First I'd recommend getting to the root of the problem.

- Why does it matter what people say about you?

- Why does it matter what other people think?

- Would you be more insulted if they didn't notice you at all, or if they had something negative to say about you?

- What is it about you that you think people wouldn't like?


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## Monsieur Melancholy (Nov 16, 2012)

Maybe said:


> - Why does it matter what people say about you?


In terms of logic, I guess it doesn't matter. However, the fact that it does happen and negative things are said are hurtful nonetheless.



Maybe said:


> - Why does it matter what other people think?


I've been told it doesn't, but I've had situations where someone has seemingly based their opinion on me solely on what others have said, without really interacting with me whatsoever. So that damages my reputation I guess, and I feel helpless to change it.



Maybe said:


> - Would you be more insulted if they didn't notice you at all, or if they had something negative to say about you?


Definitely feel worse if they had something negative to say. I'd rather not be seen at all than be seen in a negative light.



Maybe said:


> - What is it about you that you think people wouldn't like?


Almost anything really. I am insecure and my own worst critic.


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## hkb1972 (Jun 12, 2013)

I'm a female INTJ and I used to suffer from severe panic attacks. Being out in a crowd would always lead to one. I could tell you that with age comes confidence, but that's way too general.

I think the thing that helped a lot was the thought that everyone else has their own issues and "going's on" so my panicking about what they thought or were going to do was completely pointless. I realized that people were far more interested in the things they had going on than to worry if I made a social mistake of some sort.

Baby steps....even just trying one new thing a week. Doesn't have to be a huge deal...just start with something that makes you a wee bit nervous. Talk a little longer to the person at the check out counter than you normally would, stop and make small talk with a neighbor on their porch, etc. It the little successes over time that will help build your confidence.

Best of luck!!!

~ H ~


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## Animal (May 29, 2012)

Monsieur Melancholy said:


> In terms of logic, I guess it doesn't matter. However, the fact that it does happen and negative things are said are hurtful nonetheless.


Makes sense. Logic isn't the same as feelings.
What do you mean by 'hurtful?' What does it cause you to think or feel?



> I've been told it doesn't, but I've had situations where someone has seemingly based their opinion on me solely on what others have said, without really interacting with me whatsoever. So that damages my reputation I guess, and I feel helpless to change it.


Would you feel better if you COULD change it? Can you think of any ways that you could change it, like speaking your mind to the other person, or asking them to please judge you for themselves?
(Also, would you want to be friends with someone who can't evaluate you for themselves?)



> Definitely feel worse if they had something negative to say. I'd rather not be seen at all than be seen in a negative light.


Ah I see.. so is this why you are quiet or have anxiety? Because you might 'make a mistake' that could portray you negatively? Do you end up doing nothing at all?



> Almost anything really. I am insecure and my own worst critic.


Being secure in the first place would definitely solve the problem but I know that's harder than it sounds. I've never cared what 'people' think of me unless the people specifically mattered, but then again I'm a Sx/Sp type , not So. So it makes sense what my priorities would be in that regard. As for my SO or a guy who I'm interested in, it's amazing how much I can feel shitty if someone else tells them something negative about me and they believe it, or if they judge me in a way I don't think is fair. Thing is, I close up quickly. I don't let them matter once they've betrayed me and hurt me enough times. If someone can't appreciate me for who I am then they're not worth my time. But it did take me a long time to change from secretly wishing to win over a guy who I'm attracted to, to pursuing openly in a balls-out manner and thinking that if he isn't into me it's his loss or perhaps we're just not a good fit. It takes a long time to develop confidence but for me, I did it by pursuing the things I love... music, writing, art. I do this for myself though I love to share it with others. I don't need to be famous or successful because I know my work is honest. This made me feel like I have something bigger in my life and a lot to offer to someone who is honest & open to really knowing me.


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## ThatOneWeirdGuy (Nov 22, 2012)

I honestly don't feel qualified to give any sort of advice, but I will let you know that I have been far down that road and still am in certain ways. 

Have you ever been on this forum? Some people think it's beneficial by allowing them to be somewhere and interact with people who are accepting of them and their often misunderstood behavior. Some people think it's nothing but a place where people bitch and complain (which it is, IMO, to some extent). Either way, it might be very beneficial to read other's stories and get support from people who know exactly what you're going through.


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## ThatOneWeirdGuy (Nov 22, 2012)

On second thought, after visiting the forum for the first time in a while, it's clearly gone to hell.


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## rosegeranium (Apr 1, 2013)

Hmmn...Well, I used to be very extroverted and then as time went on I started to lose interest in people because I felt like I wasn't my own person anymore. I felt as though people just wanted to take and take from each other, that nobody thought for themselves, that people were just like animals that craved approval and could not stand one minute by themselves lest they begin to see themselves for who they really are. I began to spend a lot of time by myself because I just lost interest in people after seeing how they treat each other. Over time, I naturally lost friends and I found myself pretty alone. I had some horrible traumas happen to me and this gave me PTsD and panic attacks, which caused me to become kind of shy because I was afraid to have the attacks in public. But I've never cared what people think to the extent that I have anxiety socializing. But I do find it very unnattractive to socialize with people that I dislike, to the extent that it takes everything I have in me to do so.

I think a lot of people are super social because there is a strong desire. Either because they truly crave the interaction or because they are just terrified of being alone with themselves. My strong guess is that if you have "social anxiety", you really DON'T want to be socializing. If you did, then you would be out there doing it. Trust me, if you craved the approval or interaction with people enough, you would be out there doing whatever it takes to socialize. I see "normal" people making fools of themselves all the time trying to get approval, but it doesn't stop them because their number one goal is to socialize and be accepted. They have the drive, you see.

I believe that you are in limbo. You really want to socialize, you probably think there is something wrong with you if you don't...but you really don't like a lot of people enough to do so right now. I think your fear of being judged is just an excuse you have made out of your lack of love for yourself. You go out of your way to make yourself feel uncomfortable instead of just admitting that socialization isn't truly what you want right *now*. My guess is that the root of your problem is lack of self love and also a need for more introversion, at least until you find yourself. I am sure your social anxiety will go away if you just take time to not give a damn about what others think and start loving yourself.

Do you see what I am saying? I believe the problem is that you want and think you need to socialize, but at the moment that is not your true desire, you are just stuck on the concept. Out of lack of self love, you create this horrible anxiety and punish yourself in front of people rather than do what your soul truly requires for the moment-complete introversion and self discovery, and more self love. Self love is the most important tool you can have. If you don't love yourself, you can't love anyone, can't be of use to anybody.


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## DarkRain (Nov 30, 2011)

Have faith in others. Sure, out of 5 people, 3 or 4 might not like what you say, but that 1 person is worth the risk! It is that one person's opinion that matters the most!


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## macky (May 29, 2013)

ThatOneWeirdGuy said:


> On second thought, after visiting the forum for the first time in a while, it's clearly gone to hell.


Too much social anxiety on the social anxiety forum? never....


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## confetti.time (May 22, 2013)

Sorry if I am sounding like a broken tape recorder but I have a suggestion that has helped me… Simply knowing that you can't exactly please everyone by just being yourself is a helpful factor, not everyone likes the same things as others so if they don't like you, knowing that someone else will like you for you is reassuring. I mean, if you create a survey where all the participates try the same apple (mass clone production) and are asked whether or not they liked it or not, I guarantee a lot of them won’t like it, but the people that do like it is what counts, I’d rather hang around people that are grateful for my company. roud:


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## Monsieur Melancholy (Nov 16, 2012)

Thanks guys. Your comments are very empowering and insightful. I expected nothing less. roud:


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## niffer (Dec 28, 2011)

Sometimes I feel the same way too, in spite of being an extravert...

I guess what I've realized over the years is:

- We are our own worst critics and usually situations never play out as bad as they seem in our heads... and even if they do, it's never the end of the world!
- People are usually consumed with worrying about themselves and are too busy to worry about you! People are self-absorbed.
- People love those who can be open and vulnerable, and have some shortcomings. It makes you more relatable and likeable.

From reading your posts on the forum I think you are a cool person and I would have nothing to worry about if I were you!


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## Carmine Ermine (Mar 11, 2012)

Some things that may work for you:

* Knowing there are plenty of people who are better than you, so you don't feel too much responsibility or self-importance and that if you die or get disabled or a bad reputation it's the worst thing ever so you're too afraid to take risks. It's about balance. If you feel you're hindering yourself too much, take short steps and enter more challenging situations (such as starting with talking to a stranger, however briefly). Also bear in mind that life is a risk because you are mortal and there's also a chance, however small, that you could die in a freak accident (as in the "Final Destination" movie series). But don't let that drive you too far into destructive directions.

* Knowing (as the latest psychology research suggests) that self-deception about certain things (such as believing you're awesome, a.k.a. self-confidence) can be beneficial. Get the "best of both" from paradoxical thoughts, for example believe you already have everything you want (so you don't care) and at the same time, go for what you want (even though you feel like you don't need it). Humans have evolved to be good at self-deception and focusing on information to support one view but not the other. This is the solution to most paradoxical problems, such as needing experience in one area in order to get experience in that area.


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