# Help me cope with my housemate



## Gracie (Dec 13, 2009)

I've been thinking about this one for a while. I really don't know how to deal with her.

She's incredibly hard to type, not least because whatever type she is, she's an incredibly unhealthy example of it. She took the Myers-Briggs once and got ENFJ, but she is the kind of person who will answer questions in such a way as to appear more impressive, and since someone else was in the room at the time her responses would be totally unreliable.

The only function I am quite certain of is that she is an extrovert. She is constantly infringing on my personal space - she'll invite herself into my room to have breakfast with me/ ask me questions/ have a conversation, and she gets itchy if she's left alone for any length of time. So I am fairly certain of her being an extrovert.

One of her most prominent, and negative, traits is that she is one who is *very* prone to the telling of tall tales, if you know what I mean. Basically, she's full of shit. I don't trust a single word that comes out of her mouth at this stage. She exaggerates everything to make herself sound more impressive, and she lies through her teeth - even when there is absolutely no need. She is chronically insecure, so she seems to overcompensate for her perceived shortcomings by constantly trying to appear more intelligent than she is. All of her friends are in college, while she is not, and her apparent manner of dealing with this is to try and make out that she knows everything. If someone starts a conversation on fucking molecular physics, she will chime in with something, even if it makes no sense.

She suffers an awful lot from imaginary conditions - she's chronically attention seeking. The kind of person who, if you have a headache, suddenly develops a migraine. I suffer from migraines myself, which sometimes cause me to vomit. She once claimed to have "caught" my migraine, and then proceeded to feign vomiting in the bathroom. :dry: She claims to have a stomach ulcer, also, and sporadically - when she feels ignored, for example - complains about it playing up. Problem is, she obviously didn't conduct any research into the condition before pretending to have it. I used to work in a pharmacy, where I was expected to study common conditions and complaints. I have often seen her consume medications and foods which would hospitalise someone with a legitimate stomach ulcer, and said nothing.

In a way, I feel sorry for her, and in another, she makes me nuts. She is convinced she is some kind of mistress of espionnage - she's told several people that she is an AMAZING liar - but she's oblivious to the fact that everyone is aware of her bullshit. I mean, literally, everyone. She is gradually alienating everyone around her, not least me. Even her oldest friends are sick of her, and she remains oblivious.

She's an interminable mooch - she's convinced me to buy her cigarettes for "us" while blind drunk, even though I don't smoke. She constantly tries to cheat her friends out of money, while remaining herself tighter than a nun's knickers. She has the self-awareness of a piece of toast, and I'm afraid that one of these days I am going to crack, and kill her.

I feel like I'm going to go insane. She is crudely manipulative - by that, I mean that it is utterly transparent, but it would require all-out war to combat it because it is so insidious. Myself and my other housemate are both INFJ, and so being as chronically averse to confrontation as we are we're slow to engage in that kind of conflict. At the same time, I think both of us fantasise about chucking her out the nearest window when she tries to cheat him out of rent money, despite the fact that she once lived in his flat rent-free for six weeks.

Dear Jesus. Just thinking about her is raising my blood pressure.

Help.


----------



## ilphithra (Jun 22, 2010)

Wow... by now I would have trampled all over her, humiliated her "intelligence", told her to get lost, changed the lock in my bedroom and placed a big banner on the door saying "you are NOT welcome <person>". But then again, I'm an INTJ and your house mate would be my breakfast, if you know what I mean. I would turn her into a doormat. 

You both being INFJ doesn't help in getting rid of this bug but I'm afraid you both will have to muster the strength to tell her to the face: "We've had enough of your bullshit, we know you're nothing of what you say you are, you are this-and-this-and-this-and-this, you think you get away with doing this-and-this-and-this, etc"

Also, a good cue would be to throw on her face that she faked the ulcera and proceed to tell her why you know and if she peeps up, throw a couple of medical articles at her to shut her up.

She's an attention seeker? Tell her to call 555-ATTENTIONSEEKERS and find some others who are such cry babies as she is and go cry on their shoulders.

When she starts pretending to be sick or whatever do a very simple thing: IGNORE and use the old "nod" and say "yes dear" in a dry, sarcastic tone of voice. But most of all, ignore her and if she follows you to the room, throw her out of your room, even if she protests.

Unfortunately you won't be able to put an end to this without some confrontation but remember that you can be passive-aggressive :wink:


----------



## bluefaerie (Dec 6, 2008)

I hear you and I understand where you’re coming from! What have you done to let her know that you’re frustrated and annoyed with her? 

Your housemate is obviously quite self-centred and inconsiderate of others around her. Don’t be afraid to be direct with her. She needs to be told or told-off! I agree with ilphithra, she won't stop unless you confront her about it. Be assertive with her (but not aggressive) e.g. "When you come into my room to have breakfast without invitation, it makes me feel frustrated and annoyed because I just want to be alone". See how she responds to that. 

Plan B: You and your other INFJ housemate needs to come up with a plan and *evil laugh*.. Get those creative juices flowing.

Let us know how you go with your housemate.


----------



## Slider (Nov 17, 2009)

Make a list of all the annoying things she does. It'll help to release your frustration having it on paper. What you should do is be perfectly blunt and say, "Listen. Your behavior is making me crazy and I feel like I'm going to flip out if I don't bring this to your attention." Then read a few things off the list.

Tell her that she needs to make an effort to change and be a better person or the environment will become tense and the relationship will deteriorate and have adverse consequences.


----------



## Ireth (Nov 2, 2009)

Hi. I agree with everyone else, you have to confront her about it.
Also, Slider had a point about not letting the anger well up, but I suspect that if you read the list to her with no apparent reason then she will feel and act like the victim of unjust hatred and won't take one word of it seriously. I suppose she's not aware of her behaviour being as harmful as it is.

So I suggest you tell her the moment she is doing something wrong. 
Draw the line when she invades your privacy/tries to take advantage of you/is in any way disrespectful - and don't let the rest of her behaviour influence you.
As for the lies, just ignore them. She doesn't seem the kind of person you can reason with. Maybe she'll stop when she sees that they don't work on you. 

And if all of these things fail then don't pay her attention, don't interact more than necessary, that way there's less chance of her presence affecting your life - I know it's not a harmonic coexistence but you have to detach yourself so you can live your life normally.

I know someone like this, and these people need lots of patience and even then there's not much chance of it improving. So they either need some big, life-changing experience (can't say what exactly) or a social worker or a saint. Or a shrink that they won't want to prove wrong at some point.:bored:


----------



## agreenbough (Aug 11, 2010)

It sounds like narcissistic personality disorder to me - she sounds an awful lot like my SIL. If that's what it is, showing anger may be like gasoline on a flame. She'll just be proud of herself for controlling your emotions. Negative attention is as good as positive attention.
Ireth's advice is good. Limit contact as much as is possible. Try not to catch her crazy:laughing:


----------



## Nitou (Feb 3, 2010)

It looks like either histrionic or narcissistic personality disorder. 

Here are the diagnostic criteria for comparison:
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Histrionic Personality Disorder

And some tips on dealing with her crap until you can get out:
How to live with someone who has narcissistic personality disorder 
How to live with someone who has histrionic personality disorder


----------



## WickedQueen (Jun 1, 2009)

My INFJ best friend used to be like this. Her unhealthyness is what made me left her and we stop talking for about 6 months. She is much better now and we're back as best friends again.

I'm an ESTJ, so I'm not sure if my methods can work out for you as well.
I love my INFJ best friend, so it was very hard for me to confronted her, but I pushed my limit and we had the most awful night of blatant truth.

It broke my heart when I saw her get embarrassed when I told her that I knew she was lying to me all this time. She got defensive and gave me irrelevant reasons as why she lied to me (along with the mellow tears stuff to make me feel guilty, which was of course didn't work). I could debate her easily, but I choose to shut my mouth up. Perhaps that's her way to save her last pride and my moral code made me decided to let her do it.

We separated after that, because I couldn't handle her lies and I think she needed some times to think about what I've said. After we separated, I wrote her a long letter, mention about the details she told me that I knew that she was lying. I also wrote about things I did not appreciate from her behaviors. I told her that I love her, but I just can't deal with her shit anymore because I'm so sick of it.

She avoided me after that. Probably because she was pissed off by my blatant truth and felt embarrassed because I knew about her lies all this time. I treated her the same like I used to, but I make sure that there's a distance and boundaries which she can't crossed by, ever again, for what she had done. I make sure she understand that I still love her and I'm giving her a second chance to befriends again, as long as she show a consistent improvement to be a better person.

She's a fast learner and she show me a good improvement. Things will never be the same again between me and her, but we both learned our lesson and we both strive to be a better person, part of it to save our friendship, and part of it for ourselves.

You seemed very upset with her. My advice is to calm down, be honest with her, be objective and give facts, don't EVER said that she's _wrong_ (use another words, like "I disagree" or "you contradict yourself" or something like that), and give her enough space to save her pride and dignity. A human being deserves to be treated like a human being, no matter how bad the person is.


----------

