# Self doubt makes me want to hide under a rock.



## Kareno (Oct 4, 2010)

I am often plagued with self-doubt in certain areas of my life. I think I'm fat, ugly, boring, quiet, and in all ways uninteresting to people. While part of me hopes that I'm just being harsh, another part of me truly believes that most of the people who act like they like me in life do so only to be polite. I find it impossible to be a good judge of my own appearance and character, so I often hold back from doing things in life such as making friends, pursuing romantic interests, etc, because I can't see how anyone could actually like me. It's been so long that I can't remember the last time anyone genuinely complimented me.

Also, I have this obsessive thought pattern when people I know have private conversations just outside of my hearing. I always think they're saying how much they hate me, or how stupid whatever I said was, or how ugly I am, or that I should just wear a paper sack on my head and never come out of my house. It's even worse when they laugh. I always think people are laughing at me if I don't know what's funny - and not in a good way.

I wish someone would just tell me that I'm not fat, or ugly, or boring, but I'm too scared to bring it up to anyone in real life in fear that they will just give a fake, awkward response that is obviously a lie because they feel too bad for me to tell me otherwise. 

Of course, part of me knows I'm just being ridiculous. So when people say things like, "Don't get down on yourself!" it doesn't help much - because I know that's what I should do. But I guess I don't really believe I deserve it.

Anyways... Sometimes it helps just to vent, but I guess I'm looking for advice too. How do I get over this? I haven't always been this way. It comes in phases, but I find that I look back on a lot and think, "If only I hadn't hated myself so much, I would have done X and really enjoyed it." I just moved to a new area, so I'm working on making new friends, but I find it extremely difficult to accurately judge other people's like/dislike of me with this constant negative voice in my head. I don't want to push past all doubts and force myself on someone who doesn't like me (which I have done before, as friends), but I don't want to miss any good opportunities.


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## Elwin (Feb 17, 2011)

How old are you? How is your lifestyle in terms of diet and exercise?


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## Kareno (Oct 4, 2010)

I'm 20. I exercise 3-4 times a week on around 40 minute runs. I only started doing this again this month though, as before moving back home I had a long period of overeating/sedentary lifestyle. Diet is.. not really amazing, but not bad either. I eat what's available. I try not to worry about it, because when I obsess I'm more prone to overeating than actually eating any healthier.


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## Elwin (Feb 17, 2011)

I'm starting to feel like an Endocrinologist with all my hormone posts on this forum. :laughing:

You may be interested in the documentary _The Stockholm Solution_, which is about a special clinic in Sweden that treats severe cases of eating disorders such as bulimia and anorexia. The clinic operates on the non-orthodox theory that these disorders are caused by inadequate nutrition. For treatment, they adjust and balance the diet over a period of time, which is vehemently resisted by the patients, but in time the compulsive behaviors subside, resulting in an impressive cure rate percentage.

I'm not suggesting you mirror the patients in the documentary, but it really does illustrate the more subtle consequences of a bad diet, including overlooked ones such as body-image problems, obsessive-compulsive behaviors and general neurosis. Most people are unaware of just how bad food is today. It's pretty shocking to find that they put sugar and other stuff in almost everything, including bread.

Unfortunately last I looked, the documentary was taken down from YouTube's movie section, but maybe someone has uploaded it in parts. You may also want to have your hormone levels checked as endocrine disruption (increasingly common with strange foods and pollution) can cause the feelings and behaviors you mentioned, along with a plethora of others.


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## DoveEyes (Feb 17, 2011)

Kareno:

Let me just start by saying that I know exactly how you feel and you are not alone. 3 years ago I went through a horrible phase where I lost every ounce of confidence, was constantly plagued with feelings that I was ugly and that people hated, horrible stuff! It was the hardest thing that I ever went through.. 

But the good news is this: I no longer struggle with those things any more. I overcame all the self-doubt and issues that you are experiencing. 

The fist step is this: 
1. Realize that if you continue accepting those negative and UNtrue thoughts about yourself then nothing will ever change. Every day you have a choice to believe what you want about yourself, and the first step is getting just a little bit of courage to decide Today that you will no longer accept the negative feelings you have toward yourself. 

2. Don't try to help yourself, reach out to family, friends, and God. This will make some people mad for me saying this, but I am only speaking the truth, the lowest time in my life I was so desperate and I cried out to God and asked him to help me. I didn't even know the words to pray, but he understands my heart better than I even do. And God comforted me and I started to really believe that he was going to help me and He did. Also, reach out to your family and let them encourage you. This will help so much.

3. This is the most important part of all the advice I am giving you: Begin to take your focus off of yourself and start to focus on things outside of the trouble you are feeling in your heart/head. You will be amazed how much suffering and sadness is in this world.. But there is also beauty and joy and peace. Some times we are so focused on our own problems that it keeps us from seeing ways we could be helping other people and living a life that has purpose and meaning. 

I really feel for you and I hope you overcome all these things that you are going through. I can tell just by your post that you are a wonderful person and I believe that you will start to feel better. Don't let your feelings control you, and don't give in to the desire to feel defeated. 


~DoveEyes


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## sesiotrot (Feb 16, 2011)

Kareno said:


> It's been so long that I can't remember the last time anyone genuinely complimented me.


I'll give feedback. It's complete honesty, because if I had to lie or exaggerate I wouldn't respond haha. 

You're a rare blend of uncommonly well developed compassion, wisdom and insight. Most people who are as smart as you and have the same level of concision, eloquence and grasp on language to convey it will become at least a little misguided and egotistical. None of your posts have *any* pretention though, which is difficult to find even in individuals who aren't characteristically arrogant. You also have an added sweetness and the exactly right ratio of humour that's very approachable. Maybe it's due to your firm grasp of reality, your self-doubt and that from other posts, you're skilled at introspection (though it's different to your self-doubt, as people's self-doubt and irrationality is inaccurate). And in many ways you deal with anxiety and insecurity well, which is difficult to do when it's something so intimate. You're high-functioning as well as the traits in the last paragraph. You have a lot of endurance. Many people have coping mechanisms to deny their flaws, but you deal with them bluntly, and your approach to your personal life is objective, wise, well-balanced and clear. Others probably ask you for advice. Assuming there aren't hindrances like financial problems or whatever, you're probably an excellent student because the advice you give is not only optimal but thorough, and great students are always thorough for full marks haha. 
Your posts on socializing show a beautiful, quintessential and touching human side that reaches out and enjoys the same affection that you bestow on others. You're on good terms with your friends and family, so the people who know you find you as captivating and likable as the people who don't. You have 40 visits and 44 thanks compared to 40 posts. Most members have approximately half the visits/thanks of their post count. Others must find you engaging, personable and unique as someone who stands out (I do). You're probably someone who stays in people's minds after they've read your posts. You would be not only be an overqualified nurse but a comforting, sympathetic, disarming one with great bedside manner. You're the prime example of an INFJ at her best. 

And you post muffin gifs.










Due to how nice you are, maybe you don't receive niceness in equal measure as people take you for granted and it could lead to feeling down? You also come across as someone who's very capable, independent and self-reliant (further supported by the great advice you offer), thus others may not give you the emotional support they would attention-seekers or people who directly ask for validation. Maybe you don't ask for validation because you know that you're a wonderful person, and you don't want to come across as irrational? Ambivalence is a distressing place to be. Most of your other posts project a different side of you, one that's so rational, hip to the jiiive and attractive that it's difficult to believe that person has significant insecurities. Maybe they don't realize (I never do) that regardless of how rational someone is, self-doubt can hit anyone. But being such a paradoxical and complex human being enriches that very appealing human side you have that hits all the right notes and makes the gorgeous symphony of your personality, transcendental.


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## LittleHawk (Feb 15, 2011)

Hi Kareno  I think I understand how you feel.

When I was in school I had such bad anxiety... I would be constantly aware of people around me - how they looked at me, acted around me, what they were saying to each other - and if the slightest thing seemed unusual, I would take it as a sign nobody liked me. For much the same reasons as you, I thought they'd hate me for being fat, ugly, boring etc. The funny thing about this is nobody ever said anything negative to my face, so those beliefs were based purely on my insecurities.

I'm now 20...my self confidence is growing and I admit, on a really bad day I will think maybe people find me boring or too quiet, but I always defeat those thoughts now. You know the issue here is your self esteem, so that's your first step. Now the hard part is overcoming it... it takes alot of work and sometimes a lot of tears. You have to face why these things bother you so much. What if you ARE boring to somebody else? Why would that bother you so personally? Or what if they dont find you attractive? It's because you have these feelings about yourself already, so your afraid to hear them from somebody else, because to you they would be verification. It's like you're giving the reigns over to other people to tell you what kind of person you are - when it's all inside of you already.

I think for most people those issues of self esteem come from childhood, or maybe somebody you were close to hurt or disappointed you. But you are your own person now - and if you take the time to get to know yourself and make sure you TELL yourself how great and beautiful you are, and start to believe it, then nobody else will matter in how they feel about you. It's a habit to put yourself down so start noticing those great things about you and try to really feel them. It takes a long time to love yourself especially when you're so used to putting yourself down...but 110% you can do this and I have absolute faith in your posting this that you can get there


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## Kareno (Oct 4, 2010)

Wow! I didn't expect such wonderful responses. 

Elwin: That movie actually sounds really interesting. I actually know a good amount about nutrition, so I do get that my bad diet really isn't helping matters... However, it's not always a matter of health when I make my choices. Sometimes I have to eat that donut or my mental heath will decline into insanity! XDD

DoveEyes: Your advice is lovely, and you are so right about focusing on the outside world. That helps me. I do tend to act like a mirror sometimes in that I'm very sensitive to what's around me. So getting out help. Also, I forget too often about the privileges I do have compared to those less fortunate. So thank you. You have a warm heart. 

Sesiotrot: Holy fishpaste!!! (and that's saying a lot because I normally avoid multiple exclamation marks!) I am going to save your post and read it every time I'm down! I can't even describe in words how happy that made me, and I only know you through the internet! Seriously. Amazing. You're right though, it's most likely because I strive so much to be self-reliant that I don't get a lot of comforting. It's pretty rare that I'll feel okay laying my woes on someone, since it makes me feel like a burden. But wow... I was not expecting that kind of response at all! Thank you!!

LittleHawk: Awh, thank you.  Yeah, my self-doubt has definitely gotten less and less as I get older and figure out that what life is/isn't about. It still creeps up on me sometimes though. I did have some pretty mean little friends on the playground when I was little. Got along best with the boys who let me be Catwoman when they played Batman. XD

I have been feeling better now. I try to go on more runs and stay busy. Anyways, thanks again to all. It really does help just to know that there are people out there rooting for me. Even if they're from Cyberia.


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## sesiotrot (Feb 16, 2011)

Kareno said:


> Sesiotrot: Holy fishpaste!!! (and that's saying a lot because I normally avoid multiple exclamation marks!) I am going to save your post and read it every time I'm down! I can't even describe in words how happy that made me, and I only know you through the internet! Seriously. Amazing. You're right though, it's most likely because I strive so much to be self-reliant that I don't get a lot of comforting. It's pretty rare that I'll feel okay laying my woes on someone, since it makes me feel like a burden. But wow... I was not expecting that kind of response at all! Thank you!!


Haha it's all you, I was just relaying it. It must be stressful to be so self-reliant, especially as a feeler.  It's really awesome you described the current problems you're having, I hope releasing tension over the internet becomes substantially beneficial for you, as we'll always listen. <3


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## susurration (Oct 22, 2009)

Kareno, have you looked into avoidant personality? and also shame based personality/toxic shame? although I don't recommend self diagnosis, there's lots of good information out there about dealing with these things and related problems. Cognitive behavioural therapy is also something you might like to invest some time into as well. Most local libraries have at least a basic book on it, and it's usually the basics that are most helpful. 

Most of all, if things are going to change for you, you have to be prepared to let go of lots of thoughts and assumptions about yourself and replace them with new ones. You have to do these things for yourself, because no amount of external validation is going to help. Sometimes it takes a long time to be ready to 'let go' of the hate and shame. It really is a very intensive process, that involves a sort of ego death that can be quite difficult to deal with. You go through ups and downs, and sometimes it doesn't seem like it's worth it. But it is worth it, because a life of shame aint living is it...

I know what it's like... and it's a long long long journey... take care.


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## Longdove (Jan 4, 2011)

I'm running out of rocks by now.


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