# How to make a SJ-mother happy?



## Meril (Sep 17, 2012)

Hello.
I currently try to help my mother (probably ISFJ) - she seems to be not happy with her life. Her current days look like this:
-sleeping
-washing
-buying food/house work/cooking (she's house wife)
-caressing her pet (a rabbit)
-watching TV
-talking with family including telephone calls
-surfing the internet for house decoration -> buying it (-> sometimes handcraft something) -> decorating the house
-highlight (like once/twice a week) driving to some place -> shopping, visiting a decoration exhibition, best case: visiting some culture/nature
-in the past she had some hobbies like stitching, but she doesn't enjoy them anymore

Every time I ask her something like what she wants to do today I get an answer like "I have to clean the bathroom". She seems to consume her time with activities like checking the same blogs up to several times a day, buying food every day (instead of buying the main stuff once a week with a car), TV. I can talk with her and she even admits that she does things like watching films she doesn't really enjoy just out of habit.
She was borderline depressive not long ago (her own observation "my pet saved me from depression" -> she got a really close bond to her pet now). She just seems to live for the few highlights during the week (like weekend -> 2 times driving somewhere and maybe one day a week buying something new) and the vacations once a year.
Her main issue seem to be having only a very few social contacts and being unable to get new ones (well, I kinda share that issue with her, but while I try to fix this by improving my social skills, my mother just resigns...). Luckily she'll move soon to another town where she has some friends.
We have some communication issues, like she dislikes talking about ideas/abstract stuff (anything that doesn't have practical use like "what to do next weekend" -> she has that "that all sounds clever and I'll listen patiently - but I'm not interested"-look) and values stuff like rules/tradition very highly, but on an emotional level we get along quite well. She's a loving person who supported me my whole life. She just lacks any kind of passion in her current life.

How can I help her? What could make her happy? Are there common SJ-hobbies she could try?


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## Tula13 (Dec 2, 2012)

She definitely sounds like an ISFJ. ISFJs love to feel appreciated but also needed, and have a tendency to fall into a comfortable routine and stay there. 

See if there's a charity or something that needs extra volunteers. See if they need extra Sunday school teachers or people to help organize things at the soup kitchen or people to help teach English to immigrants. Also, do all you can to be there for her, which it sounds like you are. Tell her you want to help her out, and she may need a push to try new things.


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## Promethea (Aug 24, 2009)

This is just a possibility here, but, It sounds to me like she feels like her life has no real purpose or meaning, and so shes trying to fill it with mundane duties to give her a sense of purpose. 

I don't think she feels fulfilled. 

It might be hard to try to shake her out of this though because all of these mundane habits are are comfortable illusion of having a purpose. Some people turn to drinking, shes turned to this unshakable routine of meaningless habits. 

Does she perhaps want to go back to school? Find a career? I see this in housewives a lot.. they have spent so much time making everyone else happy that one day they realize the aren't needed as much as they were at some point, and they feel like their lives are meaningless. She needs something thats hers.. something to empower her, that can make her feel like she has an identity and purpose beyond house-frau. 

Get her talking about dreams and aspirations.. this may be hard, and she may shy away from the conversation at first, but there must be something she thinks about doing from time to time for herself. 

Redecorating and putting food on the table isn't going to make her feel good about herself. I think that it can to start out with - then years go by and the family doesn't show the appreciation they once did anymore because they take the mother figure for granted. She loses her sense of value. And making her feel more appreciated can help a little but thats not going to address her issue of not having a role or identity of her own.


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## See Above (Oct 4, 2011)

Not that I know anything about anything, but, maybe ask her about her past. Ask her when she had the most fun. Ask her what was the scariest thing she ever did. Ask her who she thought her strangest relative was. Ask her what she thought she wanted to be when she grew up (and why). Ask her what the best family trip was. That sort of thing.

Listen. Watch her varying expressions and energy levels as she speaks- and what topics they are related to. Learn about her and how she was at her most fundamental stages. Look for patterns, ideas and extrapolations.

Just a random thought.


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## dream land fantasy (Sep 8, 2012)

they are too vert sensible people. i guess a sweet smile and warm hugh works best!


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