# Overreactive, overdramatic, and insecure... I want to change.



## Faerie (Dec 15, 2011)

Hi, people of PerC,

A (very bluntly honest) friend of mine and I were having a conversation recently. I said that I was frustrated because people don't take me seriously, but I can't figure out why. He said I am overdramatic, pretty emotional and reactive, visibly insecure, a bit self-centered, and that I act young and am all over the place. (Of course, unsurprisingly, I reacted to this emotionally - it was obvious that he had hurt me, but I thanked him for his honesty because I appreciated it.) He said I should try to calm down, plan better, and look before I leap more often. I was wondering what advice people here might have to offer, and I hope I'm not the only one who would find this thread useful. Points awarded for bluntness, logic, and insightfulness! 

Thanks


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## jessmk7 (Oct 12, 2010)

How old are you?


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## RRRoooaaaRRR (Jun 18, 2011)

Well the first thing I`d say is I`m certainly taking you seriously now. Your bravery and willingness to look at how you can grow and evolve is admirable


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## Faerie (Dec 15, 2011)

jessmk7 said:


> How old are you?


21. 



RRRoooaaaRRR said:


> Well the first thing I`d say is I`m certainly taking you seriously now. Your bravery and willingness to look at how you can grow and evolve is admirable


*blushes* Thank you  

I just wish I knew *how* to grow and evolve, from the inside out. I can change how I behave, but that will not fix the root cause, and will probably create other problems too. :-S


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## RRRoooaaaRRR (Jun 18, 2011)

Well a starting point is to realise and acknowledge there is a greater more stable aspect of every human being over and above `the personality` - some may call it the spirit but - I tend not to because that is very often misinterpreted and pulled down into the realms of a dictatorial religion that is more about control than love.

This profound essence within is very stable - it is the core you: the you before anything else. The you that is, was and will always be the same and would be You regardless of which, country, which culture, which era or which gender or social strata you operate or could operate from.

That core of you knows what is right for you, sees all the games we play, sees and understands all the posturing etc we all do - and can readily differentiate between superficial esteem/ego stances and true deep communication with others and with yourself. 

You can safely let it be your council. When you give up identifying with your personality/ego as being the essence of you and allow yourself to operate from your core it automatically allows your deeper wisdom to reveal true motives, coping mechanisms, fears, defense mechanisms etc. That isn`t to say that these mechanisms aren`t sometimes needed - just that to be aware when we use them sets us free to be all that we are and not become attached to `our personality` rather than our essence.


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## Faerie (Dec 15, 2011)

RRRoooaaaRRR said:


> Well a starting point is to realise and acknowledge there is a greater more stable aspect of every human being over and above `the personality` - some may call it the spirit but - I tend not to because that is very often misinterpreted and pulled down into the realms of a dictatorial religion that is more about control than love.
> 
> This profound essence within is very stable - it is the core you: the you before anything else. The you that is, was and will always be the same and would be You regardless of which, country, which culture, which era or which gender or social strata you operate or could operate from.
> 
> ...


You know, that strikes a chord... Part of my stress that causes me to be overdramatic is that I feel I haven't been true enough to myself lately. But, sometimes I can't be true to myself. I have to look and act professional so I can make money. I could, however, let myself be more in touch with my 'essence'.

But I still want to change, from the inside out. I don't want to be dramatic and insecure, and I don't know why I am that way.


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## yesiknowbut (Oct 25, 2009)

Well, wait a minute. You always have to consider the advice from the point of view of the person giving it. This is how you appear to your friend: but that friend will most likely value the attributes that are like his. Assuming your friend is a very different personality type to you (I doubt if an ENFP would ever have said that to you) then you should water down the severity of that advice proportional to the amount of distance between your personality types.

There is nothing wrong with you. But what you describe is how a very "out there" ENFP might be described by a strong thinker. It reminds me of my ENFP daughter, but then she could reasonably accuse me of being an unemotional mother. Let's meet half way......and remember that the attributes that make you ENFP can be very powerful indeed.

Water yourself down a little so that others feel easier in your presence, by all means. But don't deny who and what you are, which is undoubtedly awesome.


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## orphansparrow (Dec 10, 2011)

it's hard to give you advice without knowing you in real life.

but i think a good general rule for people who want to grow and change is just to try to be very aware of yourself, your feelings, and your actions.

don't try to change things, just try to become totally aware of what youre doing, saying, thinking, feeling, at any given moment.

the change you need will come out of that awareness, naturally.

it it's hard to be that aware when you are around other people, try starting when you are by yourself. just observe honestly, without judging yourself, or trying to control yourself. it sounds simple i know, but it really does work. the change will come out of that. don't force it though, because that won't work long term, and may make things worse.


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## snail (Oct 13, 2008)

Faerie said:


> Hi, people of PerC,
> 
> A (very bluntly honest) friend of mine and I were having a conversation recently. I said that I was frustrated because people don't take me seriously, but I can't figure out why. He said I am overdramatic, pretty emotional and reactive, visibly insecure, a bit self-centered, and that I act young and am all over the place. (Of course, unsurprisingly, I reacted to this emotionally - it was obvious that he had hurt me, but I thanked him for his honesty because I appreciated it.) He said I should try to calm down, plan better, and look before I leap more often. I was wondering what advice people here might have to offer, and I hope I'm not the only one who would find this thread useful. Points awarded for bluntness, logic, and insightfulness!
> 
> Thanks


My advice is to find a better friend. Being emotionally open is a positive quality. If others use it as an excuse to dismiss your feelings, then they are not the kinds of people who are good for a sensitive, expressive person to be around. We do not deserve to be discriminated against for being this way. If we change to fit in, the world will never learn to accept us.


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## Faerie (Dec 15, 2011)

Thank you all for the replies 



alfreda said:


> Well, wait a minute. You always have to consider the advice from the point of view of the person giving it. This is how you appear to your friend: but that friend will most likely value the attributes that are like his. Assuming your friend is a very different personality type to you (I doubt if an ENFP would ever have said that to you) then you should water down the severity of that advice proportional to the amount of distance between your personality types.
> 
> There is nothing wrong with you. But what you describe is how a very "out there" ENFP might be described by a strong thinker. It reminds me of my ENFP daughter, but then she could reasonably accuse me of being an unemotional mother. Let's meet half way......and remember that the attributes that make you ENFP can be very powerful indeed.
> 
> Water yourself down a little so that others feel easier in your presence, by all means. But don't deny who and what you are, which is undoubtedly awesome.


It's true, I have a lot of thinker friends - they love me, but they see my expressiveness as a weakness when it passes a certain threshold. My feeler-y qualities have indeed been a strength sometimes, but when I get too sensitive or too expressive it's caused me problems. Meeting half way, trying to rein in the extremes, without denying who I fundamentally am is a good idea.

Thank you 





orphansparrow said:


> it's hard to give you advice without knowing you in real life.
> 
> but i think a good general rule for people who want to grow and change is just to try to be very aware of yourself, your feelings, and your actions.
> 
> ...


That is an excellent idea, and gives me a starting point. Initially when I read that I was worried it'd make me feel self-conscious, but then I realized there's a difference between self-conscious and self-aware - self-awareness is self-consciousness minus the judgment. I guess change will come out of that because I will become more aware of the things I'm doing that I personally don't like.





snail said:


> My advice is to find a better friend. Being emotionally open is a positive quality. If others use it as an excuse to dismiss your feelings, then they are not the kinds of people who are good for a sensitive, expressive person to be around. We do not deserve to be discriminated against for being this way. If we change to fit in, the world will never learn to accept us.


My closest friends are accepting of my expressiveness, and spending more time around them and less around aforementioned friend is probably a good idea. So some will think overreactive and overdramatic, and some will think sensitive and expressive, and I should spend time around the people who see me in a positive light. 

I do agree with the other posters who said I could tone it down a bit though - because I personally don't enjoy when someone says something hurtful and it ruins my day. 

However, being insecure isn't so good. Low self-confidence has not helped me (though it has kept me from being super arrogant, if we're looking at a half-full glass). I tend to beat myself up far too often and get caught in a loop chasing my own tail. I find getting out of my head and doing something helps a bit, but I'm still stuck.


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## Bumblyjack (Nov 18, 2011)

You can address insecurity by improving your self esteem (accept yourself for who you are: both your strengths and your weaknesses) and by improving your confidence (develop your abilities, gain experience, challenge yourself, etc.).



To change from being overreactive and overdramatic, there's not much you can do besides practice. I did this gradually as a natural response to being bullied and picked on when growing up. 

I guess you could try to work on this 1-on-1 with a close friend. Explain that you're trying to work on being more in control of your emotions and ask him or her to insult or offend you and then reassure you that they didn't mean it afterwards. Be careful with this. Take it slow at first (maybe have them start with saying something that won't bother you much like "you're dumb"). Do your best to not take what they say personally.

Before you work on this with a friend, you might want to try it by yourself. Look at yourself in the mirror and say a simple insult like "You're dumb". Then reply, either out loud or in your head, "No, I'm not!". When you can do this without having the insult bother you and when you truly believe it when you say "No, I'm not!" then you're ready to start working on this stuff with a friend.


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## orphansparrow (Dec 10, 2011)

Faerie said:


> That is an excellent idea, and gives me a starting point. Initially when I read that I was worried it'd make me feel self-conscious, but then I realized there's a difference between self-conscious and self-aware - self-awareness is self-consciousness minus the judgment. I guess change will come out of that because I will become more aware of the things I'm doing that I personally don't like.


yes, and i think it will also help you realize why you are being reactive. and when you understand more about why you are how you are, it's easy for change to come. because sometimes we react a certain way because that is WHO we are, and there is nothing wrong with it. and sometimes we are reactive out of unnecessary fear, and insecurity.  

good luck with everything, and be compassionate with yourself. your friend may have a point, because there is room for growth and change, and more honesty, in all of us. but also, you are who you are, and that is good and valid. 

one awesome thing i know about you already is that you are humble, unafraid of real issues, and open to change. that is a sign of an extremely healthy person to be. ^__^


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## ForeverJung (Dec 7, 2011)

21? Wow, you really are brave to take that hit to your emotions and then ask for more. Sounds like you're really sincere about wanting to know yourself better and at your age, you're well ahead of the curve! I think your friend wasn't quite perceptive enough to notice that about you .


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## candymountain (Nov 26, 2011)

I got the same exact feedback as you say you did, and although it is good to be yourself and to be as feeler as you need to be (;p) it REALLy CAN get in the way of living life when you are very reactive to things. It kind of makes you see everything in a sort of pessimistic way doesn't it? I wish I could give you advice that would really help but seeing as I'm in the same boat as you (lol) all I can say is you should focus on telling yourself to look at life more objectively because, for instance with your friend, it can help when people are honest with you even when it gets on your nerves so badly you want to cry and throw things because you're just that upset. If you can change your perspective to see things very positively and optimistic its a lot easier to not over react to things.


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## Sovereign (Aug 19, 2011)

I know it's easy for me to say, but do your best so work out the "true to yourself" issue, and the "everyone else thinks I'm a flake" issue will work itself out eventually. 

If you're true to yourself, then you can re-evaluate your friendships. Are your friends automatically going to accept you? No. In fact, if you're really out there, I'd likely be with your "friends" in my judgments of you. We might not get along. But that's fine. We all can't be best friends. I accept that, as I think should everyone. However, you can use that as impetus for some potential friend changes to go along with your life changes.


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## Faerie (Dec 15, 2011)

Thanks everyone for the replies 



Bumblyjack said:


> You can address insecurity by improving your self esteem (accept yourself for who you are: both your strengths and your weaknesses) and by improving your confidence (develop your abilities, gain experience, challenge yourself, etc.).
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I have a friend who's a practicing psychologist! I'll ask her what to do.

I do tend to beat myself up a lot - the whole "you're dumb" thing, except without the "no, I'm not!" part. I know this isn't going to help me. I tend to let it tangle me up inside, and that's definitely not beneficial.




orphansparrow said:


> yes, and i think it will also help you realize why you are being reactive. and when you understand more about why you are how you are, it's easy for change to come. because sometimes we react a certain way because that is WHO we are, and there is nothing wrong with it. and sometimes we are reactive out of unnecessary fear, and insecurity.
> 
> good luck with everything, and be compassionate with yourself. your friend may have a point, because there is room for growth and change, and more honesty, in all of us. but also, you are who you are, and that is good and valid.
> 
> one awesome thing i know about you already is that you are humble, unafraid of real issues, and open to change. that is a sign of an extremely healthy person to be. ^__^


Thank you  I appreciate that.




Sovereign said:


> I know it's easy for me to say, but do your best so work out the "true to yourself" issue, and the "everyone else thinks I'm a flake" issue will work itself out eventually.
> 
> If you're true to yourself, then you can re-evaluate your friendships. Are your friends automatically going to accept you? No. In fact, if you're really out there, I'd likely be with your "friends" in my judgments of you. We might not get along. But that's fine. We all can't be best friends. I accept that, as I think should everyone. However, you can use that as impetus for some potential friend changes to go along with your life changes.


Thanks. It's nice to hear the more blunt perspective of a T-type also. 

The friend who I mentioned in the OP is your introverted MBTI counterpart. I like him more than he likes me, I think, and I should indeed accept this. I'm not really really out there, but I am more out there than I'd like to be, which I suppose is the crux of the problem - without losing who I am at the core, I'd like to balance out a bit.

I'm starting to think that dealing with feeling insecure all the time will domino onto the other issues - I've been doing a lot of thinking and, I react and am the most dramatic when someone says or does something that touches on my insecurities. Truth is, I'm not secure in who I am; I don't necessarily know what I want or who I want to be. 

I'm going to talk to my psychologist friend, and to one more of my close friends who is very direct and honest but compassionate, and see what suggestions they have for dealing with very low self-confidence and insecurity.


Thank you, people of PerC


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