# When talking online, it's like I don't exist. Why do people forget?



## BrightenUp (Jun 2, 2010)

I don't know how this works. I'm talking to someone online, usually Facebook chat, and they seem so excited to hear from me and then the next second seem to forget all about me! 

I know it's the computer and it can be distracting and all, but come on! We were having a conversation, and they randomly just stop responding. Am I not important enough to hold anyone's attention for a minute?

It makes me lose my faith in people sometimes. It's like they are very inconsiderate, only seeing me as a form of entertainment to ward off boredom. 

So my question is, why? I was always one to give an online conversation full attention, treating it as if it were face-to-face chat, albeit with more time to think of a response (text messages too). I can understand the occasional wandering but it seems to me that the people I want to talk to don't pay attention at all. Which is in direct contrast to the enthusiasm that they are expressing in their message. The same thing goes for text too. People just don't respond for hours and hours. 

I'm not one of those who overwhelms people with verbiage. I try to be patient and understanding. Though in fact I don't seem to be able to understand. 

The one conclusion that I can come to is that they just don't care about me. Or that they are really shy. The latter of which I doubt, because I know these people quite well in real life.

"I promise we'll talk soon," they say. And they never message me for the rest of the summer.

Anyway, how can I make it so that online conversations are actually fruitful? Online messaging is quite an efficient way to share ideas, after all, and I think it can be really effective if only people remembered I was talking to them...


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## chances2468 (Oct 29, 2010)

I think some people are multi-tasking or talking to several people at the same time.

Maybe when you're at the start of the conversation, you can immediately ask if they are busy because if they are, you will chat with them another time. Maybe that will get them to understand that you're not interested in waiting 10 minutes for a response.


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## Tucken (Dec 13, 2009)

> When talking online, it's like I don't exist. Why do people forget?


It's most likely _not about you_. People go to where the juice is and forget about everything else in the process - not because they want to but because they cannot help themselves. Even if they want to treat you rightly, chances are they can't. It's not so easy to treat people like human beings, one needs keen eyes and a big heart. Ask yourself if these people behave this way only towards you or if they act this way with everyone over the internet? My guess is they don't intend to mistreat you. 



> I know it's the computer and it can be distracting and all, but come on! We were having a conversation, and they randomly just stop responding. Am I not important enough to hold anyone's attention for a minute?


Be grateful for the conversation you had for so long. Who are you to demand their time if they decide to do something else? 

I gather you want to be important, noticed and cared of. That's fine but you react to this feeling forgotten and unimportant. If you notice these feelings in yourself I believe this issue with conversations over the internet will resolve on its own. Because it seems to me the problem is how this situation makes you feel. I believe your feelings will lose their powerful influence if you notice them as they are happening.

Brighten up!


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## BrightenUp (Jun 2, 2010)

Tucken said:


> It's most likely _not about you_. People go to where the juice is and forget about everything else in the process - not because they want to but because they cannot help themselves. Even if they want to treat you rightly, chances are they can't. It's not so easy to treat people like human beings, one needs keen eyes and a big heart. Ask yourself if these people behave this way only towards you or if they act this way with everyone over the internet? My guess is they don't intend to mistreat you.
> 
> 
> Be grateful for the conversation you had for so long. Who are you to demand their time if they decide to do something else?
> ...



Thanks Tucken! I actually know how easy it is for people to get distracted, and I notice that in myself too, and that's why I always pay extra attention to people when they talk to me. I just found it unfair because once upon a time I could have easily been the person ignoring whoever messaged me. It's just that growing up I realized I need to be there to listen to people, and now I am constantly getting anxiety when I talk to people online, because I don't want to let myself be distracted. 

And I said it's unfair because people never think to do that. I know it's dumb, "why would anyone want to give themselves anxiety," but doesn't that mean you're putting in the effort? I don't know. I can't blame them for what doesn't cross their mind, yet at the same time I get indignant that they don't choose to be more conscious of these things.


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## Mendi the ISFJ (Jul 28, 2011)

First i want to say im really sorry that this happens, its annoying. I used to let it get to me too, now ive decided that people who dont want to have proper chat etiquette dont deserve to speak to me. Its important to let them know... maybe just a post on ur page about how thats so annoying. If they dont get the hint then just ignore when they IM you altogether. There are people out there that will take the time to converse with you. I also get annoyed with people who are on but always away because they log in and then never log out even though they arent at home anymore. I just never chat them anymore because they likely are not there at all.


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## bob_toeback (Aug 1, 2011)

Yeah its rather silly, I get sometimes you run outta things to talk about, but what I hate the most is if you ask someone a direct question and they never get back to you. ! :dry: lol
but yeah happens to me too, Im not really sure, just not all that interesting *shrugs*


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## Adesi (Aug 9, 2011)

Whenever I am at my PC, I am doing something else. I'm rarely there just to browse Facebook and make idle chit chat. I can think of times when I have been genuinely glad to hear from someone I hadn't talked to in a while, but because of the lack of face to face contact, the time between message, and the fact that I am doing other things, I very often am not extremely engaged in the conversation. This isn't always the case. It's easier if there is something specific to talk about. If I am doing something with a person, it creates an environment in which I can focus on them and what we are doing together.

I think asking if the person is busy is a good idea. And I think if you have something you actually want to talk about, it will help too.

I hope this helps explain.


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