# How do you deal with death?



## devoid (Jan 3, 2011)

I've noticed that a lot of NT types have issues dealing with death, or the simply don't deal with it at all. Personally, I have never been particularly afraid of death or losing people. When I was 3 my dog died, and I looked up from the corpse at my mother and said, "When can we get a new one?" I'm always the one who takes care of things at funerals and such, because it never bothered me in the slightest.

But in the last two years, six of my friends have died at extremely young ages, all between 4 and 23 years old. Some I hadn't spoken to in nearly ten years, and the most recent I had seen a year before she died. Each time I heard the news, I didn't know what to say, so I just said nothing. I felt like it didn't effect me at all, and that bothered me a bit at the time. I felt so disconnected, as if death couldn't touch me. Now suddenly I'm starting to think it did effect me a lot more than I realized. I think about some of these people all the time, how they effected my life, the things we shared. I have this growing sense of unfairness; I shared so much with these people at some time in my life, it just makes no sense that I should be succeeding in my life when they had no chance to live theirs.

So I want to know, how do other NT types deal with things like this? What do you tell yourself when people die? I should mention that I'm not at all religious, so I don't fear for their souls or anything like that. I just want to know how you cope with it.


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## Xiong Mao (Apr 19, 2012)

It doesn't really phase me much. People die all the time and, eventually, so will I. I'm not very religious either, so I don't really care to think much about the afterlife and such. My grandfather dies when I was 6 and the first thing that came to my mind was "Yes!" My dog died when I was 12. That was the only time I ever cried about death. But I wasn't really crying because he died; I was crying because everybody lied to me and I thought he had died years ago. The fact that he had still been alive and I could have/would have spent more time with him if I had known pissed me off. I witnessed 9/11 first hand when I was 7 but I was never sad for the people who died. It just made me angry that people were so heartless. It also pissed me off that the entire country was in mourning when only 99% of people actually witnessed it or lost someone. Fake sorrow or sorrow without reason just pisses me off. This is why I hate funerals and the like. Death is only tragic to the living. There's no logical reason to have survivor's guilt. My view is to acknowledge it and move on. Besides, they're still alive and always will be as long as you remember them.


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## HippoHunter94 (Jan 19, 2012)

I don't always know. I've been to three funerals in my life, two of which were for people who I did not know existed until the day of. I mostly felt awkward and uncomfortable, and I'm always hungry afterwords. In fact, one of them was for my great-grandpa, who I loved, but I was more interested in when I might be able to show off my Yu-Gi-Oh cards. I do not feel any guilt for my lack of remorse or compassion when it comes to death. I mean, it's just something that happens. Maybe I'll feel differently when someone who I have a legitimate connection with dies, but when I think of people I love dying, all I feel is relief. I never have to wrry about that person, because I know exactly where they are. Why is it called "losing someone?" You're not losing anything. Sure, you won't have their company, but you'd know exactly how or where they are. Their lives are over, so they can't distract you from anything. 

Like I said, maybe it'll be different.


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## The Nth Doctor (May 18, 2012)

A couple times, when a favorite pet has died, I haven't handled it well. Just the knowledge that they're not there and never will be again was what did it, though I suppose that's all there is to it.

Usually, with death and anything really bad that happens to someone else (I haven't had anything awful happen to me) I'm just kind of confused about my emotions - I know I should feel really shocked or sad or something but I don't. I do feel something though, so sometimes right when I hear about it I want to smile or laugh. It's weird.


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## KneeSeekerArrow (Jan 8, 2012)

My own death? I'm extremely worried and saddened by the thought of it, and I will do everything in my power to prevent it from happening.

Other peoples' death? I couldn't care less to be honest.


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## Doctor von Science (Jun 6, 2011)

Death happens. To everyone. Even me. It's pointless being sad about it. That just wastes time.


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## hela (Feb 12, 2012)

I don't worry about my own, but I tend to take the deaths of pets very hard. Relatives... not so much. I grieve, but it's not that big of a deal to me, generally.


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## Ngg (Jul 22, 2010)

As much as I am concerned about the livelihood of my friends and family, I'm chiefly worried about my own death. Perhaps this is selfish, but at the end of the day the world only exists through our subjective cognition of it. If I cease to exist, the world ceases to exist as well, since I cannot experience it. That nothingness scares me.

But for those same reasons, I feel very empathetic towards those are unhealthy or condemned to dying 'before their time', because as the OP says there is a sense of injustice that they cannot live the full experience.

I think a lot of people deal with it because they are religious/believe there is an after life or don't particularly care for the life they currently live. To me the concept of after life is a very dangerous thing to hold on to, not only because science clearly disproves it, but also because it can prevent you from wanting to make the most of the time you do have.


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## Armed Politicker (Oct 6, 2010)

Oh, I've lost a lot of people. Friends, family and colleagues. And the reasonable, logical part of my mind wants to fall to abject nihilism as a coping method, and in turn gets absolutely trounced by my feeling side. I let myself go, and grieve, and it feels good, in a way, because I feel so very human.

As for my own mortality, my intentions are nothing less than total victory.


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## Kelvin (May 30, 2012)

I don't typically give much thoughts about death. I think it's way more interesting to consider the possibilities of life rather than focusing on the gloomy death. But still, I guess I do look at death in a rather rational way, I mean everyone dies in the end... it's inevitable. 

But I also see death as "the mother of all changes": only with an end to something, can another thing begin. It's not really limited to just human death, which is what I think the thread is mostly talking about.


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## devoid (Jan 3, 2011)

Kelvin said:


> I don't typically give much thoughts about death. I think it's way more interesting to consider the possibilities of life rather than focusing on the gloomy death. But still, I guess I do look at death in a rather rational way, I mean everyone dies in the end... it's inevitable.
> 
> But I also see death as "the mother of all changes": only with an end to something, can another thing begin. It's not really limited to just human death, which is what I think the thread is mostly talking about.


I like that philosophy.  It's nice to think of death as an important part of the cycle, rather than an end to something.


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## Kelvin (May 30, 2012)

Indeed! In my opinion, death is never an end to things. In fact, it gives meaning to all sorts of things in life. The death of one idea give rise to another. 

And I mean, something that has an "expiry date" on it might seem momentarily at first, but it is usually with an end, that things become appreciated in their lifetime. I mean, would you value your life if you know you're going to live forever?


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## devoid (Jan 3, 2011)

Kelvin said:


> Indeed! In my opinion, death is never an end to things. In fact, it gives meaning to all sorts of things in life. The death of one idea give rise to another.
> 
> And I mean, something that has an "expiry date" on it might seem momentarily at first, but it is usually with an end, that things become appreciated in their lifetime. I mean, would you value your life if you know you're going to live forever?


I would, but only because I know that everything else will die. :B


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## Kelvin (May 30, 2012)

roud: Oh dear.:laughing:


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## nujabes (May 18, 2012)

Well, I haven't had to deal with any _people_ that I'm close to dying... So I can't say that I won't be affected. I'm sure if my best friend died today I would be crushed because I won't ever get to have those interactions with him again.

The deaths of my dogs have always hurt. My dog was the first being I connected with beyond my parents, and even then I felt more of a connection with her than with my parents, so when she had to be put down, my 11 year old brain was incapable of handling it.

I've worked on numbing that part of my mind intellectually, though.

"You have to know, not fear, _know_, that someday you're gonna die."


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## 2fast4u2 (Oct 3, 2011)

your dog died and that was your reply? If you didnt care, why ask for a new one?

I get the whole not getting all bent out of shape about people, trust me, but you are very confusing....


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## Anonynony (Jun 24, 2012)

The deaths I am most sad about are always suicides and pet deaths... normally I'm not very emotional about them in public, but I do cry when I'm alone. One time I cried(real, not fake!) in public, it was at school. One of my teachers was at the funeral I was at, but I didn't know that. That Monday, in class, she told me she saw me there & I just lost it. :sad:


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## 2fast4u2 (Oct 3, 2011)

interesting, my dog was hit by a car last year, I had to take 3 days off work to recover from the emotional traumatic clusterfuck that resulted...

Ive never reacted to a human death in that manner.


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## Anonynony (Jun 24, 2012)

when I was 9 or something, my bird died & that's how I was too! It was during summer, so I just watched Star Wars for a few days


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## Stufreddy (May 6, 2012)

Life is an amazing occurrence, we should be appreciative of this unlikely opportunity. I'm not entitled to life, nobody is, so when it's over I accept it and any of the negative aspects that follow. Because of this fascination I adopt a live and let live attitude towards mankind and every other species. Except for mosquitoes. 

When I die I want my family to not mourn for long, and want them to continue living as they were without their paths changing for the worse. I also believe that any respectful person would not be angry if people were to stop mourning over them and soon remember that the deceased was a positive part in their life and is still a positive idea and memory in their minds. We should accept the emotions we feel after someone dies, but also embrace the lessons that the person taught us and not dwell on it for very long.


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## Playful Proxy (Feb 6, 2012)

In my past experiences when pets have died, it didn't really phase me a whole lot. I had no idea what to say, so I just stood there silent while my family did their pet funeral thing. I don't know how I would react if someone close to me died, however. I'm sure it would have some impact on me, but I have yet to have to experience it. 

As for thinking about death personally, I will bring up Pascal's Wager and forget about death with anything beyond that. No point in bumming myself out for no reason.


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## quadrivium (Nov 6, 2011)

devoid said:


> But in the last two years, six of my friends have died at extremely young ages, all between 4 and 23 years old. Some I hadn't spoken to in nearly ten years, and the most recent I had seen a year before she died. Each time I heard the news, I didn't know what to say, so I just said nothing. I felt like it didn't effect me at all, and that bothered me a bit at the time. I felt so disconnected, as if death couldn't touch me. Now suddenly I'm starting to think it did effect me a lot more than I realized. I think about some of these people all the time, how they effected my life, the things we shared. I have this growing sense of unfairness; I shared so much with these people at some time in my life, it just makes no sense that I should be succeeding in my life when they had no chance to live theirs.



My high school years were like this. From my junior year of high school to my sophomore year of college, my area had several, probably about 12 deaths of people my age. I knew four of them. A lot of them were freak accidents or overdoses/drunk driving. 

I had one friend/coworker who was killed by a drunk driver and I thought it completely unfair. It took me many months to come to terms with it. I had a reaction very similarly to yours. 


As for me dying, when it happens, it happens.


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## devoid (Jan 3, 2011)

corgiflatmate said:


> My high school years were like this. From my junior year of high school to my sophomore year of college, my area had several, probably about 12 deaths of people my age. I knew four of them. A lot of them were freak accidents or overdoses/drunk driving.
> 
> I had one friend/coworker who was killed by a drunk driver and I thought it completely unfair. It took me many months to come to terms with it. I had a reaction very similarly to yours.
> 
> ...


Thank you. Do you think you could shed some insight on how you came to terms with it? I'd appreciate it very much.


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## quadrivium (Nov 6, 2011)

devoid said:


> Thank you. Do you think you could shed some insight on how you came to terms with it? I'd appreciate it very much.


I'd prefer to PM you at your convenience, if that's okay.


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## devoid (Jan 3, 2011)

corgiflatmate said:


> I'd prefer to PM you at your convenience, if that's okay.


Of course.


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## Svensenberg (May 13, 2012)

I lost a very close family member just last year, I literally watched him take his last breath (he was elderly and had been on hospice, so it wasn't unexpected) and I have also lost many pets and animals over the years, some met rather gruesome ends.

My experiences with death have only reaffirmed my approach to it; that it really is just a natural process, and isn't anything to be overly sad about. If you've seen any number of my posts on PerC you'd probably gather that I'm not religious at all, so maybe that has something to do with it as well. Of course there will always be a void in your life that is left by the absence, but you need to learn to move on and live your life. You will die some day too. 

Hmm.. I hope this doesn't make me sound overly cynical or bring anyone down.  Just my thoughts on the matter.


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## LadyO.W.BernieBro (Sep 4, 2010)

l've only grieved for one unexpected death, and it was really fucked up. An accident, friend of mine who was 26. That was Oct 2006 and honestly, l really shut down for about a year.

Because l definitely felt invincible up until then, and l also felt...cheated,somehow. Like l was watching all these random people carry on with their lives and like l'd entered some kind of fucked up lapse in the space-time continuum, because everything really did just stop when that happened.

But, for deaths of elderly family members l haven't really been that devastated. l don't know, l wasn't extremely close with them, but as close as a lot of people are with their grandparents.

When my maternal grandma dies, l'm really going to freak out. l grew up with her and lived with her at different periods. l also think l'll probably blame people for stressing her out. l would never say it, l just think l'll resent them because l even resent the way family members treat her now. 

She's nearly 80 and my mother, especially, has pretty much refused to acknowledge that my grandma is ever going to die, but that's no excuse to ask as much as she does from her. l am not an angel but l seriously never argue with my grandma and ask her to drive me around all hours of the day, and after dark (she has cataracts...selfish betch mom, lol).


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## voronoi goggles (May 11, 2012)

hela said:


> I don't worry about my own, but I tend to take the deaths of pets very hard. Relatives... not so much. I grieve, but it's not that big of a deal to me, generally.


I just recently lost my cat that i had for over 10 years, it was one of the hardest deaths i've dealt with emotionally. Do you in general feel closer to animals than you do with people?


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## hela (Feb 12, 2012)

voronoi goggles said:


> I just recently lost my cat that i had for over 10 years, it was one of the hardest deaths i've dealt with emotionally. Do you in general feel closer to animals than you do with people?


Sorry for your loss. 

I don't feel closer to animals; I just tend to care about them more.


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## Iustinus (Jun 13, 2012)

I often treat the death of distant relatives with the nonchalance of Meursault. In fact, I'm quite baffled by the number of people who can sob at the death of anyone, regardless of the depth of the relationship. Funerals unveil the strength of love for the deceased. They're a subtle way of projecting I, not without prejudice, am far too Western for an ancestral, communal society. For example, if I cry at the funeral of my cousin but not my grandfather, do I not demonstrate evidence of a more passionate love for my cousin than my grandfather? With that in mind, how family members have that passionate love for obscure, barely known relatives confounds me.

I recently suffered the loss of a family friend from cancer, and this time around, it's been exceptionally different. I feel guilty talking about it because I'm wondering if I'm cheapening her legacy. At her funeral service, I maintained a stoic countenance, but when the family gathered before and looked at pictures, I started crying. And when they had a display with her camera and her in front of the Rockies, I cried. And when I saw the pastures where she loved to ride horses, I cried. It seems that, in this case, associations are more powerful than actually recognizing the death for what it is.

Grieving is very natural. It's the grown-up version of infantile separation anxiety. I tell myself this when I see others mourning, and I tell myself this now. It's getting better as time goes on, and I'm confident I'll be okay.


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## ZMX (Jul 2, 2012)

My grandma was recently robbed and murdered.

Death has never really bothered me. It's just too final. Too much closure to hinge on it.

Yes, I'd prefer my close friends/family didn't die. But, I'm only momentarily saddened a few times before it's over.


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## CowGoesQuack (Jun 8, 2012)

reading all of this just amazes me. i didnt know so many people felt like that about death


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## Valiums (Aug 29, 2010)

A person was, they aren't now.
I can't bring myself to cry over this.







I should maybe add that the means, and not the ends are what bother me.
If I know somebody's suffering, or suffered and then died, I'll be sad, possibly angry.
That is bullshit incarnate.

But general sadness for death: nah.


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## jeffbobs (Jan 27, 2012)

lol just saw this post and looked to the side and i read "how do you deal with death....valiums" seems like a good idea


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## jhoro115 (Jul 14, 2012)

When it comes to pets, especially cats, I'm pretty apathetic. Life goes on. When my grandfather died (who has always been very affectionate to me) I didn't understand how I should react. I was obviously very devastated, but I never really cried. In fact, I felt very guilty for not crying enough, since he had done so much for me. I don't enjoy visiting his grave, not because I didn't respect who he was or don't care about him, but because I want to move on with my life and fall back on my memories instead.


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## devoid (Jan 3, 2011)

Svensenberg said:


> I lost a very close family member just last year, I literally watched him take his last breath (he was elderly and had been on hospice, so it wasn't unexpected) and I have also lost many pets and animals over the years, some met rather gruesome ends.
> 
> My experiences with death have only reaffirmed my approach to it; that it really is just a natural process, and isn't anything to be overly sad about. If you've seen any number of my posts on PerC you'd probably gather that I'm not religious at all, so maybe that has something to do with it as well. Of course there will always be a void in your life that is left by the absence, but you need to learn to move on and live your life. You will die some day too.
> 
> Hmm.. I hope this doesn't make me sound overly cynical or bring anyone down.  Just my thoughts on the matter.


It's not cynical at all to me. I used to feel that exact same way about death. It never bothered me in the slightest, until I lost several young friends to accidental deaths all in the same year. There seems to be something different about death when it happens to somebody your age or younger. It doesn't feel natural anymore, just... confusing.



MortimerVonKraus said:


> l've only grieved for one unexpected death, and it was really fucked up. An accident, friend of mine who was 26. That was Oct 2006 and honestly, l really shut down for about a year.
> 
> Because l definitely felt invincible up until then, and l also felt...cheated,somehow. Like l was watching all these random people carry on with their lives and like l'd entered some kind of fucked up lapse in the space-time continuum, because everything really did just stop when that happened.
> 
> ...


That's exactly how I felt, losing friends to accidents. I felt like we would all go on and lead our different lives, and when I lived after the friends my age died it just felt like I had cheated, like I did something unfair somehow. I wanted them to be able to live their lives with me, and they couldn't, and I didn't know what to do about that.



Iustinus said:


> I often treat the death of distant relatives with the nonchalance of Meursault. In fact, I'm quite baffled by the number of people who can sob at the death of anyone, regardless of the depth of the relationship. Funerals unveil the strength of love for the deceased. They're a subtle way of projecting I, not without prejudice, am far too Western for an ancestral, communal society. For example, if I cry at the funeral of my cousin but not my grandfather, do I not demonstrate evidence of a more passionate love for my cousin than my grandfather? With that in mind, how family members have that passionate love for obscure, barely known relatives confounds me.
> 
> I recently suffered the loss of a family friend from cancer, and this time around, it's been exceptionally different. I feel guilty talking about it because I'm wondering if I'm cheapening her legacy. At her funeral service, I maintained a stoic countenance, but when the family gathered before and looked at pictures, I started crying. And when they had a display with her camera and her in front of the Rockies, I cried. And when I saw the pastures where she loved to ride horses, I cried. It seems that, in this case, associations are more powerful than actually recognizing the death for what it is.
> 
> Grieving is very natural. It's the grown-up version of infantile separation anxiety. I tell myself this when I see others mourning, and I tell myself this now. It's getting better as time goes on, and I'm confident I'll be okay.


I agree, sometimes grieving is necessary. I never grieved for the loss of pets, distant family members or vague acquaintances, because it seemed fine and natural and I knew that's just how life works. But seeing somebody close to you go is a lot more emotional, because it really changes everything for the future. So many possible days spent together, jokes, memories, future dreams, all gone. It's hard to accept that.


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## HippoHunter94 (Jan 19, 2012)

I don't deal with death. Death is gonna have to deal with me.


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## entpIdeas (Jun 6, 2011)

I lost the person closest to me in my life when I was just a child. I learned how to live with loss. I say swallow hard because sometimes in life there is nothing you can do, as is the case in death. To me, I see any loss as a death. There is no resurrection, only acceptance. 

I took pictures of a dead bird the other day. I just need to look and remember that the emptiness that I saw in that birds carcass is really within all living creatures. Interaction and connection is surreal. It is a temporary illusion that we perceive that we connect with others, but it is fleeting, and pointless except within the moment it occurs.


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## Cheeseumpuffs (Apr 6, 2012)

Depends whose death. 

Other people? I'm honestly not inclined to care very much. My aunt died a year or two ago (maybe three?) and I can't remember caring all that much. I didn't go to the funeral, didn't really share my dad's devastation. Hey, we got a car out of the deal. I didn't, and don't, see much of a reason for feeling bad about it. She's gone and not coming back, why worry?

Animals? I hate it so much when animals die. It's terrible. Animals aren't "gifted" with language and higher brain processes like humans are. They can't understand. Like this story: ilpvideo.com/video.php?v=MzM0ODM (can't actually embed the link due to post count) What do you think was going through that dog's mind as it was shot? It was completely and utterly innocent. Even the owner was innocent. But no, the cop shot his damn dog and now it's dead. It pisses me off even more that some people are okay killing animals BECAUSE of this fact. It doesn't know any better, it's okay to kill it. It doesn't have the brains to contribute to the world. Death of an animal is inexcusable.


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