# Lifestyles of the Poor and Unpopular



## Ms. Aligned

First, some theme music.






I've been working on this project for over two years now. I needed help on ONE little thing. I didn't have the title to make people respond. I kept asking for help, while the project stalled. I went to my supervisors. "Can you please reach out?" "Sure, CC me on the email...." "Can you PLEASE reach out?!?! They never responded...." "Sure, just CC me on the email..." "Excuse me but we're running out of time, and the project needs to be a thing. Can you PLEASE help me, by reaching out?" "Sure! I TOLD you! CC me on the email!"

I fucking DID....._goes alligator style_

"Oh shit! THIS PROJECT IS FAILING TO MAKE PROGRESS! (for the record it wasn't, well it was up until the point they decided to interact, then from that first meeting things started moving....AFTER TWO FUCKING YEARS of mind numbing regurgitation of the same topics over and over again). WE NEED TO ENTIRELY REWORK YOUR FAILED PLAN!"

"Are you fucking kidding me? We're finally moving!"






"STOP EVERYTHING! YOUR PROJECT AND IDEA HAVE FAILED. I'm taking us in a new direction."

"This direction is stupid."






"YOUR PLAN FAILED! Why wont you let this go?!?!"

"Because I know I'm right. I'm looking out for the "little" people. And I know my shit. I feel like I'm trying to roll out a Benz, and you're like, 'Slap a spoiler on a Toyota and call it the same thing."

"That's funny, I feel the same way."

"I've explained myself numerous times. You adding something doesn't make me opposed to my idea altogether, I'm telling you it's doable."

"It's not, why won't you just give up this idea?"

"Because it's a plan fucking Z idea, and I've already demonstrated I know enough of my shit to not make that necessary, PLEASE trust me!"

"Fine, we'll develop two separate frameworks. And we'll see which the judge chooses."

"So you're going to ask the overly taxed people to work on two different things so we can have our pick of which to discard afterwards?"

"Yup, that's how we do it..."

"Disgusting..."

So today my framework came through, and I was so excited to show everyone how it was going to work and all the cool features. They still haven't begun working on their's yet.

"So check it out! It can do this, and this, and this, and this. It checks all the boxes!"

"Damn, this is really fucking cool. But there is no way we're telling the execs now that this is cool. We would look like idiots. I'm really afraid if we roll this out, they're going to be very disappointed later..."

"Then let's pilot this as a test environment, if they (their project) ever do come through, let the people using it decide the system they prefer. There was always a possibility this would be a permanent thing, since I never EVER got answers for your plan A. Your plan B is my plan C, and my C is actually pretty fucking cool."

When I tell you they looked at each other and laughed at my ignorance, while asking themselves, "You want to ask the execs to do this now?"

I'll fucking tell them! I wasn't in the goddamned room when whatever the fuck you guys were talking about happened. All I know is that your plan B, was my plan A....two fucking years ago! So I adapted! I MADE shit work! With the help of some very decent IT folks. And now it's "too good" so it might cause problems later down the line?

*reminding people I said it was like trying to roll out a benz, and having someone tell me to slap a spoiler on a toyota and call it an SE.

I'm not discounting your plan b. But goddamn dude. If you're going to say my way was better but there is no way you can do that now, it just means, your ego is more important than doing what's right for everyone else. Classic admin, who've never worked a day on the ground floor.

A message to my bosses. I'm already on my way out. So put the blame on me if you need to. But get it done, and understand your lane and purpose. Which is taking care of the people you oversee. Not directly, as a manager, EVERY thing you do, effects everyone under you.

I don't hate my new boss as a person. If we met outside of work, we would probably be friends. But in the work environment, I cannot respect her at all. She's looking out for Admin outcomes. And I'm trying to use my position to make any day, just a little less painful for line staff....Like not asking them to do shit just to tickle my fancy and/or learning curve.


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## Ms. Aligned

Cool! I have a blog now. 

Thank you person that did this!


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## Ms. Aligned

Do you think helicopters were inspired by observations of dragon flies? 
...I totally think they were...

I want to go back to when someone's idea could be their own thing!


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## Ms. Aligned

Ms. Aligned said:


> First, some theme music.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I've been working on this project for over two years now. I needed help on ONE little thing. I didn't have the title to make people respond. I kept asking for help, while the project stalled. I went to my supervisors. "Can you please reach out?" "Sure, CC me on the email...." "Can you PLEASE reach out?!?! They never responded...." "Sure, just CC me on the email..." "Excuse me but we're running out of time, and the project needs to be a thing. Can you PLEASE help me, by reaching out?" "Sure! I TOLD you! CC me on the email!"
> 
> I fucking DID....._goes alligator style_
> 
> "Oh shit! THIS PROJECT IS FAILING TO MAKE PROGRESS! (for the record it wasn't, well it was up until the point they decided to interact, then from that first meeting things started moving....AFTER TWO FUCKING YEARS of mind numbing regurgitation of the same topics over and over again). WE NEED TO ENTIRELY REWORK YOUR FAILED PLAN!"
> 
> "Are you fucking kidding me? We're finally moving!"
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> "STOP EVERYTHING! YOUR PROJECT AND IDEA HAVE FAILED. I'm taking us in a new direction."
> 
> "This direction is stupid."
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> "YOUR PLAN FAILED! Why wont you let this go?!?!"
> 
> "Because I know I'm right. I'm looking out for the "little" people. And I know my shit. I feel like I'm trying to roll out a Benz, and you're like, 'Slap a spoiler on a Toyota and call it the same thing."
> 
> "That's funny, I feel the same way."
> 
> "I've explained myself numerous times. You adding something doesn't make me opposed to my idea altogether, I'm telling you it's doable."
> 
> "It's not, why won't you just give up this idea?"
> 
> "Because it's a plan fucking Z idea, and I've already demonstrated I know enough of my shit to not make that necessary, PLEASE trust me!"
> 
> "Fine, we'll develop two separate frameworks. And we'll see which the judge chooses."
> 
> "So you're going to ask the overly taxed people to work on two different things so we can have our pick of which to discard afterwards?"
> 
> "Yup, that's how we do it..."
> 
> "Disgusting..."
> 
> So today my framework came through, and I was so excited to show everyone how it was going to work and all the cool features. They still haven't begun working on their's yet.
> 
> "So check it out! It can do this, and this, and this, and this. It checks all the boxes!"
> 
> "Damn, this is really fucking cool. But there is no way we're telling the execs now that this is cool. We would look like idiots. I'm really afraid if we roll this out, they're going to be very disappointed later..."
> 
> "Then let's pilot this as a test environment, if they (their project) ever do come through, let the people using it decide the system they prefer. There was always a possibility this would be a permanent thing, since I never EVER got answers for your plan A. Your plan B is my plan C, and my C is actually pretty fucking cool."
> 
> When I tell you they looked at each other and laughed at my ignorance, while asking themselves, "You want to ask the execs to do this now?"
> 
> I'll fucking tell them! I wasn't in the goddamned room when whatever the fuck you guys were talking about happened. All I know is that your plan B, was my plan A....two fucking years ago! So I adapted! I MADE shit work! With the help of some very decent IT folks. And now it's "too good" so it might cause problems later down the line?
> 
> *reminding people I said it was like trying to roll out a benz, and having someone tell me to slap a spoiler on a toyota and call it an SE.
> 
> I'm not discounting your plan b. But goddamn dude. If you're going to say my way was better but there is no way you can do that now, it just means, your ego is more important than doing what's right for everyone else. Classic admin, who've never worked a day on the ground floor.
> 
> A message to my bosses. I'm already on my way out. So put the blame on me if you need to. But get it done, and understand your lane and purpose. Which is taking care of the people you oversee. Not directly, as a manager, EVERY thing you do, effects everyone under you.
> 
> I don't hate my new boss as a person. If we met outside of work, we would probably be friends. But in the work environment, I cannot respect her at all. She's looking out for Admin outcomes. And I'm trying to use my position to make any day, just a little less painful for line staff....Like not asking them to do shit just to tickle my fancy and/or learning curve.


Sweet sweet validation. 

I've been racking (sp?) my brain lately trying to figure out why these things are happening at work. I'll also admit, I've been dealing with a lot of home stuff, so this is NOT my top priority to understand right now, just my greatest nuisance. 

Today, I finally spoke with a coworker while venting. Holy shit! Sweet SWEET validation! 

They basically told me, EVERYONE knows my current boss is like that and it drives ALL of them crazy. Like a total clique, and you're either in or out. If your in....they didn't know because they've never been "in". When you're out though, they described it as the "ring of fire" which I only know from Johnny Cash songs, and child birth (YIKES!). I think it means, past the point of no return. 

But they can't exactly fire me....just yet...

So the "ring of fire" are hoops you must jump through, like an initiation or something to prove your usefulness in being there? That's what it sounded like, except they're very welcomed to take you to the breaking point and beyond so it's never on them (you will quit). Basically, they're going to push you in every uncomfortable way imaginable. If you stay, respect, if you leave, they knew you couldn't cut it.....

My coworker gave me the advice to leave asap. When I told her, "You realize you guys told me what you do to push undesirable people out, right? So it's not a gigantic leap to assume this is happening to me right now." She replied, "But you're the first to be aware of it."

Dude, I signed up for a fucking paycheck, not the military. This is BS. Outside my pay grade, and irrelevant.


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## Ms. Aligned

It's like no matter what, life pushes the opposite on you. I just wanted to work from home, take care of my family, and do something amazing for people suffering from mental illness. Instead, I'm developing one. Not good business. Or, extremely good business...Grrrrrrrrr


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## Ms. Aligned

One thing I would like to point out, and never had until now....

Lol @ giving my blog posts titles. 

Anyway, one thing I would like people to know about me...though I'm not sure now if I should state it...Fuck it...

I just read The Drama of the Gifted Child. Great book, for a self help one. I swear all of these could be 5 pages or less, but somehow they work in hundreds of pages of repetition and fluff. Though, I guess that helps them drive their point home so the reader considers it more. Sometimes I feel like self help books aren't really self help, but manifestos of individuals who would LOVE you to see the world the way they do. 

Anyway, as I read it, in some parts I was like, "yes, Yes, YES!!!" What was particularly interesting to me (and the entire premise of the book) is how much you recognize that childhood experiences shape adult perspectives. Yes, great. I could see a lot of myself in it, and I could see a lot of my kids too. 

Here is what people don't understand. 1) I am the "middle child" or "black sheep" (oof wonder how much longer we can use this phrase...that actually seems more racist than racist things people get angry about) in this dysfunctional (borderline abusive) family. A family that has been, and continues to be, massively abusive to me. I'm not talking hurting my feelings here, I'm talking about legit abuse and harassment. 

In the way of....just everything outlined in the book. The book goes on to show how healthy vs non healthy actions can play out from such circumstances. 

More than anything I felt a deep sense of sadness. I didn't feel understood, I felt that crushing blow of defeat. Because, I am so disrespected, so minimized, so greatly criticized. But I keep my issues separate from my kid's. 

I try to be there, I try to accept them for whoever they are, motivate them, explain things, maybe talking isn't the answer, maybe it's physical activity, maybe it's ANYTHING!






As I fail, I constantly change my approach, which is in stark contrast with the people I'm dealing with, who change nothing, and expect everything, to the point, I have nothing of value to offer. 

I feel like I go out and forge my own way, constantly. In doing so, I have left my kids with the devil I know. But they don't treat my children bad, just me. As a result they make up things, LITERALLY MAKE UP SHIT, and like to sit around or gossip as though it's truth. 

Idk if anyone ever watched the Waltons before, or if that was before all y'all's time. But remember the "sisters" who would sit around to gossip and judge people all day because they had nothing else going on in their sad lives? These things they tell to my children too. And because my children are like them in some ways, they enjoy this too. And even believe it. 

What I am dealing with right now is at LEAST 3D problems. I'm trying to account for my family's dysfunction, my own dysfunction, AND my children's, while taking responsibility for it all, and trying to push things in a better direction. 

One thing I get so mad at, especially after reading that book. Is that no one sees it. I'm literally the ONLY one taking accountability, or trying to change things, I'm the ONLY one who reads and researches and changes my strategies to try to make it all come together. I'm the ONLY one trying to do anything different. 

But I'm also the only one, who gets the blame when things go wrong. I shoulder it all and I don't care because I love my kids but when it comes back as I, I, the only person trying to improve things, AM the problem, I'm just like...wtf?!?! "Look, you failed as a parent. Please accept and apologize for this. If you just do what we say, things will be better, can you admit to wanting to try to do the things we say?"

"I can't. Nope, can't admit to that or let anyone else make me the bad guy. Because I'm not REFUSING to do the work, I AM AM AMMMMMMM the ONLY one doing the fucking work!"

It is so maddening to have everyone disbelieve you, and put yourself 100% into a vulnerable spot, open, willing to accept the punishments, understanding and yet, it's 100% ignored because all you do is cause chaos....by challenging the status quo. YOU are the dysfunction, in this group of people who told you and have reminded you, what a piece of shit you are, or have been, your entire life. The same piece of shit, they tell your kids you are. And as a single working mom, who hasn't been around nearly as much, or had the opportunity to put in the same time with my kids...I'm sure this seems reasonable and trustworthy. 

Here is the thing I discovered with that book. I am so deeply, emotionally, hurt and maybe scarred. I'm literally taking (not really since I thought of it myself) the information and working on it. Like the schezwan (sp?) snake. I've been trying to tackle the problem with two heads now. Trying to create something better. 

Anyway, one of the major things I've noticed and am culpable of, is that I am so insecure about social dynamics, that I fail miserably. 

I think that's how I should feel but I don't. I feel like I am so insecure and so unsure of social dynamics, that I mirror back someone's "vibe" or "interaction style", as a way of bridging the gaps to understanding and empathy. This sounds like a problem, but it's not. I will literally match the way you speak to me, with your same cadence. 

Ohhh, this pisses off so many people. Who begin to rage on me for what a terrible person I am. And I'm like, how? Was that an uncomfortable experience, and why? I feel like it helps with self reflection. 

I'm a polarizing energy in this world. That is who I am and who I will always be. It's fine. I'm LITERALLY saying let me take it! But JUST PLEASE JUST be kind when asking me to do so! 

I never thought I'd see the day that my ex husband would be the only comfort to me. "Dude, I've seen such a change in you..." 

"Thank you for recognizing the effort."

Anyway, when I mirror back communication styles, it always seems like I'm the bitch. I am a narcissist, but a narcissist with a mirror. Everyone else gets to have bad days or be emotional but for some reason, the SECOND I also have one, I'm the enemy...

 

Honorable mentions:


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## tanstaafl28

Ms. Aligned said:


> Do you think helicopters were inspired by observations of dragon flies?
> ...I totally think they were...
> 
> I want to go back to when someone's idea could be their own thing!


You're totally dipping into INTJ shadow functions there (which just happen to be ENTP functions). 


* *




Watch the new Dune series on HBO Max


----------



## tanstaafl28

Ms. Aligned said:


> One thing I would like to point out, and never had until now....
> 
> Lol @ giving my blog posts titles.
> 
> Anyway, one thing I would like people to know about me...though I'm not sure now if I should state it...Fuck it...
> 
> I just read The Drama of the Gifted Child. Great book, for a self help one. I swear all of these could be 5 pages or less, but somehow they work in hundreds of pages of repetition and fluff. Though, I guess that helps them drive their point home so the reader considers it more. Sometimes I feel like self help books aren't really self help, but manifestos of individuals who would LOVE you to see the world the way they do.
> 
> Anyway, as I read it, in some parts I was like, "yes, Yes, YES!!!" What was particularly interesting to me (and the entire premise of the book) is how much you recognize that childhood experiences shape adult perspectives. Yes, great. I could see a lot of myself in it, and I could see a lot of my kids too.
> 
> Here is what people don't understand. 1) I am the "middle child" or "black sheep" (oof wonder how much longer we can use this phrase...that actually seems more racist than racist things people get angry about) in this dysfunctional (borderline abusive) family. A family that has been, and continues to be, massively abusive to me. I'm not talking hurting my feelings here, I'm talking about legit abuse and harassment.
> 
> In the way of....just everything outlined in the book. The book goes on to show how healthy vs non healthy actions can play out from such circumstances.
> 
> More than anything I felt a deep sense of sadness. I didn't feel understood, I felt that crushing blow of defeat. Because, I am so disrespected, so minimized, so greatly criticized. But I keep my issues separate from my kid's.
> 
> I try to be there, I try to accept them for whoever they are, motivate them, explain things, maybe talking isn't the answer, maybe it's physical activity, maybe it's ANYTHING!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> As I fail, I constantly change my approach, which is in stark contrast with the people I'm dealing with, who change nothing, and expect everything, to the point, I have nothing of value to offer.
> 
> I feel like I go out and forge my own way, constantly. In doing so, I have left my kids with the devil I know. But they don't treat my children bad, just me. As a result they make up things, LITERALLY MAKE UP SHIT, and like to sit around or gossip as though it's truth.
> 
> Idk if anyone ever watched the Waltons before, or if that was before all y'all's time. But remember the "sisters" who would sit around to gossip and judge people all day because they had nothing else going on in their sad lives? These things they tell to my children too. And because my children are like them in some ways, they enjoy this too. And even believe it.
> 
> What I am dealing with right now is at LEAST 3D problems. I'm trying to account for my family's dysfunction, my own dysfunction, AND my children's, while taking responsibility for it all, and trying to push things in a better direction.
> 
> One thing I get so mad at, especially after reading that book. Is that no one sees it. I'm literally the ONLY one taking accountability, or trying to change things, I'm the ONLY one who reads and researches and changes my strategies to try to make it all come together. I'm the ONLY one trying to do anything different.
> 
> But I'm also the only one, who gets the blame when things go wrong. I shoulder it all and I don't care because I love my kids but when it comes back as I, I, the only person trying to improve things, AM the problem, I'm just like...wtf?!?! "Look, you failed as a parent. Please accept and apologize for this. If you just do what we say, things will be better, can you admit to wanting to try to do the things we say?"
> 
> "I can't. Nope, can't admit to that or let anyone else make me the bad guy. Because I'm not REFUSING to do the work, I AM AM AMMMMMMM the ONLY one doing the fucking work!"
> 
> It is so maddening to have everyone disbelieve you, and put yourself 100% into a vulnerable spot, open, willing to accept the punishments, understanding and yet, it's 100% ignored because all you do is cause chaos....by challenging the status quo. YOU are the dysfunction, in this group of people who told you and have reminded you, what a piece of shit you are, or have been, your entire life. The same piece of shit, they tell your kids you are. And as a single working mom, who hasn't been around nearly as much, or had the opportunity to put in the same time with my kids...I'm sure this seems reasonable and trustworthy.
> 
> Here is the thing I discovered with that book. I am so deeply, emotionally, hurt and maybe scarred. I'm literally taking (not really since I thought of it myself) the information and working on it. Like the schezwan (sp?) snake. I've been trying to tackle the problem with two heads now. Trying to create something better.
> 
> Anyway, one of the major things I've noticed and am culpable of, is that I am so insecure about social dynamics, that I fail miserably.
> 
> I think that's how I should feel but I don't. I feel like I am so insecure and so unsure of social dynamics, that I mirror back someone's "vibe" or "interaction style", as a way of bridging the gaps to understanding and empathy. This sounds like a problem, but it's not. I will literally match the way you speak to me, with your same cadence.
> 
> Ohhh, this pisses off so many people. Who begin to rage on me for what a terrible person I am. And I'm like, how? Was that an uncomfortable experience, and why? I feel like it helps with self reflection.
> 
> I'm a polarizing energy in this world. That is who I am and who I will always be. It's fine. I'm LITERALLY saying let me take it! But JUST PLEASE JUST be kind when asking me to do so!
> 
> I never thought I'd see the day that my ex husband would be the only comfort to me. "Dude, I've seen such a change in you..."
> 
> "Thank you for recognizing the effort."
> 
> Anyway, when I mirror back communication styles, it always seems like I'm the bitch. I am a narcissist, but a narcissist with a mirror. Everyone else gets to have bad days or be emotional but for some reason, the SECOND I also have one, I'm the enemy...
> 
> 
> 
> Honorable mentions:


I like your thoughts, and your written "voice" seems to have this blend of bemused annoyance going for it. I'd socialize with you anytime. You could probably put all this into a book and sell it.


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## Ms. Aligned

tanstaafl28 said:


> You're totally dipping into INTJ shadow functions there (which just happen to be ENTP functions).
> 
> 
> * *
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Watch the new Dune series on HBO Max


Huh, and here I thought I was delving balls deep into FI/Se. Lol


tanstaafl28 said:


> I like your thoughts, and your written "voice" seems to have this blend of bemused annoyance going for it. I'd socialize with you anytime. You could probably put all this into a book and sell it.


Thank you, idk about a book...I literally can't pay myself to come up with this shit. 

On a side note, dude, my dog is fucking savage. Do people still say that? Savage?

I'm sitting here pondering the world right now, in the middle of some deep philosophical break through, when suddenly I see a spider parachute down from the ceiling to the floor. And just as I looked down, my dog slurped something up and was licking her lips. What a shit show of emotions in less than a second that was! Lol!

i was like, "What's that?!?!...Ohh cool!....Where did it go?!?!....Oh shit!....Oh shit...life is fucking brutal..."


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## Ms. Aligned

Okay three possibilities, 1) my house is overrun with spiders, 2) It's the same spider and it's really dumb, or 3) same spider, but it's a bad ass and ballsy as hell. 

This morning walk into my shower, and no shitting you, the same spider that parachuted right in front of my dog's mouth is chillin. I'm like, wow, guess you didn't get eaten after all, good for you. I don't mind sharing my shower with a spider. Usually they hug the wall, and it's kind of funny sometimes to watch them try to dodge the droplets. 

Not THIS spider though?!?! Fucker comes off the wall, is on the floor and is running right toward me. Naturally, I freak out and quickly step out of the shower and I'm like turn back little guy! This fucker runs straight toward the drain and as you can guess, got pretty close until it was swept up in the water and down it went, leading me to have the Itsy Bitsy Spider stuck in my head now. 

If that was indeed the same spider, it's either got the worst luck, or it's like special ops up in this bitch. Lol! Fucking parachuting, going....undercover? Get it....because it's like under the drain cover? Maybe? 

Never mind. I kind of just want to sit there now and see if it really does crawl back out eventually.


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## tanstaafl28

Ms. Aligned said:


> Huh, and here I thought I was delving balls deep into FI/Se. Lol
> 
> Thank you, idk about a book...I literally can't pay myself to come up with this shit.
> 
> On a side note, dude, my dog is fucking savage. Do people still say that? Savage?
> 
> I'm sitting here pondering the world right now, in the middle of some deep philosophical break through, when suddenly I see a spider parachute down from the ceiling to the floor. And just as I looked down, my dog slurped something up and was licking her lips. What a shit show of emotions in less than a second that was! Lol!
> 
> i was like, "What's that?!?!...Ohh cool!....Where did it go?!?!....Oh shit!....Oh shit...life is fucking brutal..."



Keep accumulating all these little nuggets until you have a lot of them. You never know.


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## Ms. Aligned

tanstaafl28 said:


> Keep accumulating all these little nuggets until you have a lot of them. You never know.


I used to kind of blog on a different forum for over a decade. Trust me, this did not turn out well. I tend to inspire others to be their best selves. Act as a baseline or some shit. Then it's like, "I can do what you do easy, believe me!." And I'm like, "frontin _expletives_ give me heebie jeebies, so while you imitating Al Capone, I be Nina Simone, and defecating on your microphone." 

Lol, can you tell I enjoy music?

On a side note, I'm in quite the pickle...

I woke up this morning and could not find the keys to my car. I go outside, and clear as day, it's parked in the same spot but not correctly, and not how I do it. So I take pics for later. 

I've been teaching one of my children how to drive recently. That same child could not get up and get ready for school this morning, just dragging their feet. 

As a mother, and past bad ass...I know....Can't fool the fool that fooled or some shit. 

As a mother, and not so much of a bad ass anymore, I feel like I can't accuse without proof. I've raised very smrt children. Not that it's genetic or anything, maybe a little since my dad was brilliant (heard it skips a generation). I think just being my kids means they had to make sense of so many variables at the same time, it either leads to genius, or psychosis, trying to make sense of it all. There is the possibility that they're the types to just blankly accept authority, but that's highly unlikely (nature vs. nurture), unless they were so strongly predisposed to that characteristic. 

So here is the pickle. Normally, I just go straight to consequences. 

Here is the problem, tomorrow is a very special day for this child. We've been planning for months and I know they're really looking forward to it. The punishment I would normally give is grounding, and a reduction of privileges....Instead they're going to be rewarded with all kinds of shit.... Before anyone says anything, I have canceled parties before...it's highly ineffective. 

Because this party is happening, I'm not cancelling it. I have planned two strategies. The first being I will ask them to be honest with me. If they're honest and admit to their transgression, we're going to have a deep talk about it. If they tell me they did nothing, I plan to say this. 

"I will say this once and one time only, because this is not something I should ever have to repeat twice. There is *no* warning, consider this it. I'm now monitoring mileage and taking pics every time I get out of a car. If I find out, at ANY point, you have been driving without my permission, that will be the end of EVERYTHING! No computers, no phones, no nothing, you WILL get a job to pay for your Uber rides to and from places whether that be school or work, and anywhere else you would like to travel, or you WILL be homeless.... You could have killed someone. Driving is not a fucking game, and I will not tolerate ANY breaking of the permit rules. Any consequences you occur for this, I WILL NOT bail you out of. Shit goes south, that's completely on you. Because that's where I draw the line. I will not pay for tickets, and I certainly will not drive you around after you sabotaged yourself. Period 

/discussion. 

Please god, don't let them take this and turn it against me. 

Honorable Mentions: (not sure how much longer I'll do this, probably until it stops making sense.


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## Ms. Aligned

If you can't eat raw cookie dough because it has raw eggs in it, which means you could potentially eat food contaminated with salmonella, why do people eat sunny side up eggs all the time? Is the potential pathogen contained in the whites of the eggs?


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## Ms. Aligned

How much did I just fuck up right now? Scale of 1-10. 

Long story short, my department lied to me. To everyone, really. Shit changed after the pandemic and since returning to the office it's been like trying to make Severance happen, except I still remember everything. Like how does that TV show even work? They don't feel the physical ramifications of a stressful day at work, or the stress in their bodies? Like my innie would be so hopped up on caffeine, and so in the moment, my outie would not remember, not get enough sleep. My innie would deteriorate under whatever my outie chose and I'd be out of a job real quick. Because two people cannot control the same body, independently. Even if they had no caffeine at work, my outie would feel the physical levels of exhaustion. My innie would start lacking in performance, and eventually get fired. 

Anyway, I've been trying to create the separation. But it doesn't seem possible right now. There is NO way, to separate life from work, or maintain a decent work/life balance because....frankly....shit changed. 

My old job is no longer suitable. People want smrt employees, but they fail to support them, when they're being smrt. Really what employers want is employees that are just the right amount of smart for them to feel comfortable. I don't care if you're Musk, Bezos, or Karen from down the hall. All employers are the same. Because all humanity is the same. And secretly we all want robots to do our dirty work while we enjoy the fruit of our labour, without the baggage that comes with it. 

I am so sick of reading articles, (and this is how it would effect my innie) on my off time about self-fucking-care. I'm so tired of being told how to spend my off time so I can deal with the stresses of my employer more effectively. So not only do I have to get up EXTRA early, leave my family, do my hours, but then I additionally need to go home, and figure out how to cope with everything on my time off so that I don't implode under the pressure of it all? 

I'm expected to be perfect at all times. In the moment at all times. Insightful at all times. Inhuman at all times. 

After I've exhausted my patience at work, I come home to a whole new world of problems and pressure. I am trying to keep them as separate as I can, but I now know they're blending as an equal/opposite reaction to how they blended when I worked from home. 

When I worked from home, for the first time in my children's lives, I got to be a parent. Their dad and I divorced when they were very young. I was working as a hairstylist, and suddenly my world collapsed. I had no help, no support, worked multiple jobs while creating multiple possibilities (oh the energy of youth!). I've been raising these kids the best I know how with the help of toxic family. I've paid attention to the social climate, and all the changes that are happening, that were never an issue when I was younger. I'm, aware, and engaged. But...I'm silenced. Because my family does not respect me at all. And they're doing the same with my kids. 

It doesn't matter though. I'm going to keep speaking my truth because I KNOW it's true. But then the question...Sophie's Choice. Do you want to be right, or do you want...for instance....your family. 

WHAT OTHER PEOPLE HAVE TO CHOOSE THIS?!?!?! NO ONE! No one that I know...at least. Accept you are insignificant or pay the price. Humble yourself upon my feet and beg for mercy. 

Like the Salem accused, I would rather die than bow down. Because I know what's in my heart. I've dedicated my life to my kids and if anyone says otherwise, fuck them. And, if my kids say otherwise...All I want is the best for them, and they're old enough to take responsibility for their actions. If they need to be "removed from the home" to live with my ex who married someone who carries him through life, so be it. I will happily send my kids down the river if someone could do better. Because it's ALL that matters to me. 

I got them this far. I sacrificed everything, and did everything in my power to do. So if it's not good enough, go ahead, do better. Because it's not about me. I'm good, no matter what. I'm like a cat and always land on my feet. Maybe not in the moment, but in time. I have so much faith in myself, which comes off as narcissistic, But, when you know, you KNOW. 

On a side note, lol! They made new drinks that actually taste good! Truly has come a long way, even as I type this I hear an, "Mmhm." Lol 

Anyway, I guess what happened in the boss' room doesn't need to be vocalized on media. But the end point was, I'm not made for this job like I was before. Shit changed, now it's up to YOU to adapt. Ball's in YOUR corner.


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## Ms. Aligned

How many more times do I have to rip off that bandage and be like, "Hey kid, I got you." Before realizing, that I didn't have any control whatsoever...."Hey kid, they got you...THEY can help you navigate the social situations. I'm so sorry I've failed you. But I do know I gave it my all. So just be adaptable. That's what people want AND need. But no matter what, be yourself, because it's everything I love about you. <3 Mom


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## Ms. Aligned

Mass shootings: Look, all I'm saying is that anyone who wants to drive a car needs to go through at least 6 months of training and pass written and physical tests in order to obtain a license, because they could potentially kill somebody. 

If we had a tiered system where accessibility to firearms depended on the amount of damage they could produce, I think that would be a fair compromise. If you want to buy a small 22 for personal safety, fine. If you want to obtain an AR15, you should have to go through the same background checks, and training, that the military (or similar) has to. Like, 1000 hours of gun safety training classes before you can buy.

The curriculum for this training can include a mental health assessment, background check, etc. I mean, even to get a license to cut hair, you have to disclose everything to the State, in order to just be approved to even test. 

Hear me out. This does NOT infringe on anyone's right to bear arms any more than having a license infringes on anyone's right to drive a vehicle. The benefits of this include:

A cool down period. Three days is NOT enough to have a change of heart, it's just long enough to finalize plans and/or get your affairs in order. A course that would take at least a year to complete, can give more cooling off time. Allowing people who want to purchase these weapons in order to inflict damage, at least a year to reconsider. Most of these acts are spontaneous, in the moment decisions. This is not to say they're not premeditated, or unplanned, only that (with the exception of terrorism), they are emotional decisions, made within a short period of time before taking action. 

With a year's worth of classes, teachers, and peers can observe and analyze potential buyers including a mental health screening. I'm not talking about some extensive screening that figures out you were never cuddled as a child, screenings can be developed to specifically look for certain indicators that may lead to vengeance or mass shootings. Can't pass, can't play, sorry/not sorry. 

Social connectedness is a huge issue for these people who behave in such a way. These are not people with a lot of social/emotional support. They feel it's them against the world, and the world has been unfair and cruel to them. In the case of a year long training, it gives them an opportunity to connect with like minded peers with similar interests. This could help them to feel connected to society in a way that promotes empathy, and in time, may lead to a change of heart. 

This is not banning any American's right to obtain and bear arms. This is saying if you want to handle military grade weapons, that you have to show you're qualified and prepared to own them responsibly. It's simple, so wtf?


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## Ms. Aligned

Just read this thing about "bionic reading". Lol, it says if you bold the letter in the front of a word, the rest of the words can be intuited....WELCOME TO CURSIVE, people!

Lol, all these studies about how people are capable of reading....It almost seems like a decent starting or ending letter is sufficient, and less time consuming....Thank GOD we have technology now to do this for us....I wonder how many people are going to say they can't possibly read cursive now, when multiple studies have shown, it's an effective (and time effective) way of writing....


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## Ms. Aligned




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## Ms. Aligned

I am so fucking lazy lately, I've been using the "swipe" function on my phone to text, while walking, smoking, etc. It's making me look like a goddamned drunkard. Lol!

Swear to god this was written totally sober, and during work hours. 

"How manytotal credits does heas of today?"

All I want to do is stop proof reading before sending shit! It's such a waste of time, catch up TECHNOLOGY!!!


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## Ms. Aligned

I just received one of the most amazing gifts....I don't think even the giver knew how special it was to me. 

I go out to bars alone sometimes to either play pool or karaoke. I'm socially awkward, and kind of a dork tbh. Well, in my excursions I happened upon a Philippine lady and her family. We had hung out several times, and by hang out, I mean they allowed me to sit at their table while karaokying and singing with EVERY song that came on. Lol, I know I'm annoying. We had many conversations while waiting for ner singers to go on stage, etc.

One day I realized I had ubered to the bar, but forgot my wallet and credit cards, so I went around asking (because I already had a back up plan lined up) if anyone could possibly buy me a drink while I waited. This was a while ago, and I was desperate. 

After one person after another told me to GTFO then, and I was like, "I'm not poor, this is a timing issue..." I came across her table again and asked if someone would like to buy me a drink, and she did. I paid her back with a $20 once my money arrived. She promptly gave it back to me and told me, we're good...

Fast forward, we've had many karaoke nights together, and many discussions. In one of them, we were talking about crochet and knitting, and I laid out my life story about how my grandmother would make these baby blankets for everyone. Every kid. And they were so precious. It was called a broomstick crotchet, and required a dowel to make.....or broomstick. Idfk, but what I DO know is that I told her about how special that baby blanket was to me. How my father knew to make them, and that we wore all of ours so thin, they were like tattered rags that we could not depart with. I said this while admiring her and her skill because once I tried to make one. I'm not the person who could be good at that, and they went unused, and basically scraps. 

And that was it, end of conversation....

[SPOILER="TL;DR She made me the blanket."][/SPOILER]

So after two years during the pandemic and not seeing each other. We meet up again on karaoke night. And pick straight up where we left off. Another few times, and it turns out a friend of the family was asked to DJ. He wasn't great....at first. Couldn't figure out how to add or play songs, he was basically equipped to play music for the people who had karaoke'd before along with their pervious catalogs. So I help the dude out, because I'm an amateur DJ (in my brain), but I can also navigate systems pretty well. 

So the night kicks off, and we're having a blast. But it wasn't a huge karaoke crowd, so after the new requests stopped, I was like, dude, you could probably pack it in right about now. Either play music, or let people DJ themselves on the jukebox. He was like, "NONO! I was paid to be here until midnight and that's what I'm doing."

Tbf that's legit, good for him having a working standard.....but at the same time, I didn't want to leave this girl alone. Everyone was leaving while he just kept singing himself in order to revive karaoke. I sat with her for as long as I could, then was like "Dude, I'm so uncomfortable leaving you here...." She assured me I was fine and she had it under control. I stayed as late as I could, and we exchanged numbers...."Please call me to let me know 1) when you're leaving and 2) if you made it home. She kept assuring me over and over it was fine, but that she appreciated my staying there. 

Fast forward (she did make it home okay). She calls me to tel me her daughter is in the hospital, and I'm like, dude....I cannot take on ANOTHER person wanting to tell me about the tragedy of their families!!! I just can't do it, I know I'm good at helping (total fucking narcissist), but I can't.....

I call her back eventually to let her know. She obviously prefers voice calls. I just recently found out I have moderate hearing loss, so I prefer texts. Anyway, she calls me on my way home today. "M'Alligned!....I want you to know my daughter is okay, but also, I have a gift for you. Can you make it out tonight?" I told her it was probably not possible, but that I would try. Also noting, I had just left work...

I wasn't sure what the gift was until I showed. When she pulled out a dowel crocheted, lavender and white, blanket.....when I felt it....it was everything I remembered. The way my fingers (and possibly toes) would go through it. At first I was overjoy012ed by the feeling of it. Then secondary, I was enormously appreciative, for the sheer fact that SHE exists in this world!


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## Ms. Aligned

Look, this kidney stone has been horrible. I think in my morning urine, there was a LOT of blood in it. Like it looked like the shade of urine that happens when people are dying...I think this stone may be the contributor to everything else, I can't help but be nauseous, etc., I'm wondering if I might ha ve a kidney infection going on....Either my kidneys are failing so hard, or it's a kidney infection or stone, dude stop making me puke
, Lol!


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## Ms. Aligned

Next time I tell myself in cheeky way, "What could go wrong, lol!," I'm going to remember this moment.


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## Ms. Aligned

I guess I'm finally drunk enough to talk about what happened the other night....

So, I ended up going out. Mr. Buju wasn't there but his dad was, and I ended up hitting on his dad....who had a wedding ring on because I was so drunk I was convinced it was him because they look VERY similar. It wasn't until after that I realized it was his father, and now it would be WAY too awkward to EVER hit on his son again. Lol! Dad was like mid-50s and son is mid-late 30s. I had originally met them on the same night. Anyway, karaoke was cancelled that night so none of the people I usually hang out with were there. That didn't stop me from getting super drunk though. I was like I need to be around people so that every time I think about socializing, I don't think about that dude.

So I end up ditching that place and going to a different bar that I rarely go to because it's way cooler than I am. I usually leave by the time it starts picking up, and I mostly hang out at the bar with old people. Well, because I hadn't initially gone there, this time by the time I get there, I'm pretty drunk, but also, they have a DJ and all kinds of people are dancing. I grew up dancing and spent from the age of 16-about 25 going out to dance clubs where I would literally be on the dance floor all night, sweat dripping down everywhere, and kicking guys away who would try to come latch on to the back of me. Like, I was literally there to dance. Right now though, I'm a bit out of shape and feel silly trying to make my body do what it once did.

That didn't stop me from finding a dark, unused, corner by the dance floor, and watching the people dance while cheering like it was a fucking concert or something. Like every song that came on I'd be like, "Yeahhhh!!," and pumping my fist in the air. If people started having moves I would do the same thing.

You guys, I was 100% in my own head, and having a fucking ball. Suddenly this guy walks up to me, "Hey, are you here by yourself?" "Yeah, why?" "Do you want to come join us at our table? It's right by the dance floor." "Sure, why not!" I get to the table and it's the dude who asked, his friend, and another girl who I think may have been his girlfriend. Sounding familiar yet?

I never fucking remember the girls at all. I don't remember their names, or faces, nothing. Like I knew they existed at one point, but then suddenly I don't remember ever seeing them again... 🧐

Anyway we ended up having a great time, I think at one point I bought shots for everyone, then the friend said he had to leave. So the guy turns to me and asks if we should go back to one of our places to keep hanging out. And I thought, "Fuck it, best way to get over someone is to get under someone else right? I could use a mental redo to flush this guy and the whole situation from my brain."

At this point I knew I wasn't really attracted to the guy like that. But he was fun, and was very similar to a lot of my exes so I guess he just felt kind of familiar. Like at one point I posed some question and his response, in the nicest and most fun way ever, was, "Who FUCKING gives a shit?!? Lol!" It was the perfect response, and I was like, I need more, "Who gives a fucking shit," in my life!. Dude had a total ESTP vibe, just like 9/10 guys who usually hit on me, and most of which I chose to date in the past. Can't help it, I just have a thing for them. He also said, "Yeah, I saw you by the dance floor and thought, 'what the fuck is she doing, she looks like a loser," so I was like, 'You want to come hang out with us.'" Which made me laugh my ass off so much. He was so much fun, and it was so.....not serious. It just felt free and fun so I was like fuck it.

So we get back to my place, and I'm not expecting much at all. Probably one of those ESTP fucks where they pound it out, then roll over, and fall asleep. But that is not what happened, at all. SAME FUCKING THING! We were up all goddamned night and I actually had more orgasms than I had with the other dude. But they were different, they weren't like leopard slug mating, Thomas Burgeson epic, orgasms they were more like 50 Cent and Lil Kim orgasms . I had at least 20. Shit he actually got me with 5 in a row by just finding the right spot, and handling business. Then waiting for a min and going again, same spot. Fucking 5 times before I had to ask for a second and take a breath, lol. At one point, he was like, "Damn girl, it's like you've never had dick in your life before!" Lol!

Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm so repressed, and so goddamned horny, that I'm going all night whether you like it or not, and I'm bringing you with me. Because I've never had sex like that before. And to meet two guys capable of literally going all night long, I'm talking 8 hours minimum, is absolutely unheard of. Before these men, I thought 45 min was a decent session....Maybe menopause makes you like pregnancy horny.

At one point, he was like, "Omg, I could fucking MARRY you!" Lol! I was like, "Ew, no!" Lolol!

Anyway it worked. I think I needed to know that great sex is not attached solely to the person you're having it with. Taking a lot less pressure out of contemplating whether I want to keep them in my life or not, if I'm using them, trying to figure out if I could want to be the kind of girl that's in a relationship, if I wanted to keep them around, second guessing every way I act or decision I make, and what that means for....everything. I was just like, that was great, and fun, thank you, SIR! _salutes_

I have not thought about the other guy with the same intensity since. He was so intimate, and so romantic. Last person to have sex with me like that was my ex 14 years ago, and I'm going to be very frank. When he once told me, "Now I'm going to make love to you," mid sex, and suddenly he started going really hard, and really slow, I actually sound like such a cliche, but started slowly, but then quickly shaking my head back and forth, squinting my eyes as hard as I could, before suddenly kicking him off of me, sitting up and letting out a huge sob, and running out of the room crying. "Fuck you!, and fuck that!," I thought.

Afterward he asked me if we could meet up some more in the future. I was like, we'll see what happens. But you do realize if we do, this doesn't mean a relationship or anything, it's purely for fun. To which he agreed, and was like, but also let me get your number real quick.

Here is the thing......Hold on let me go check my thread real quick.

Okay, we're good. So, as the alcohol started wearing off, I started to realize this dude looks VERY young. We asked each other our ages, I'm 41, and he's 25. OMFG! Now I feel like a TOTAL cougar! I should have known an ESTP that was so good at taking direction in the bedroom would be much younger. I've always dated those types and they tend to be a bit "alpha male" in bed. Using you as a receptacle rather than partner.

This guy was like, "I love that you tell me exactly what you want. That's all I want, tell me what you want, and I'll do it"






Then he asked me what my fetishes were in bed, and I was all, "I've always wanted to fuck a dude in the ass with a strap on." _record scratch_ "Wait, what?!?!" Lolol! That's what I mean it was just fun as, haha, shit.

Anyway, it was just really fun. But now I feel like an asshole. I don't want to be an impressionable, albeit temporary, influence in a younger person's life. Like, I got married at the age of 25. That's REALLY young, and he has a bright future ahead of him. I feel like 25-30 is as important in development as say 16-21. Not something I want to screw up by either inadvertently leading him on, or, I don't think this would happen, but becoming crazy emotional. I don't think the latter would happen because there is no emotional connection there at all for me. It's purely physical. If anything I was thinking I could be like a sexual mentor or sorts and he can use those skills to blow the brains of someone he really loves. But that's even creepier!

I can't get the feeling out of my head though that there is the potential there for me to fuck HIM up emotionally, and I don't want to take advantage, and I don't want to be responsible. Like, WTF am I actually doing right now?

I will say one thing about him though. He was more mature than the other dude in offering to take full responsibility for BC, and being generally less needy.


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## Ms. Aligned

I feel this endless weight on my chest right now. Almost both suffocating and loving at the same time. It's fucking weird.


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## Ms. Aligned

I think I smoked too much weed. Lol!


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## Ms. Aligned

Omg, I'm laughing at myself laughing at shit while simutaniously telling myself, "It's not funny, IT's NEVER Funny!" Lololol!


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## Ms. Aligned

Okay, I'm back to reality. That was funny though....huh


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## Ms. Aligned

Still have that feeling in my chest though, the fuck is that all about....


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## Ms. Aligned

What the fuck is this feeling. It's literally like someone is sitting on my chest, but almost protective? It's very...loving? What the actual fuck? I'm being overwhelmed by it, but it's also not threatening at all.


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## Ms. Aligned

Am I having a stroke? Lol!


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## Ms. Aligned




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## Ms. Aligned

Something isn't right about this...


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## Ms. Aligned

Okay, better, damn this weed. This must be what people mean when they say rollin. I should listen to surfer music, lol.


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## Ms. Aligned

and yet I landed on this, lol


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## Ms. Aligned

FUCKING BRILLIANT!


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## Ms. Aligned




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## Ms. Aligned




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## Ms. Aligned




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## Ms. Aligned




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## Ms. Aligned

Damn, that was some good weed. Lol, I found myself pondering, wtf do spiders think about when they literally just stand in the same place all day. Lol


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## Ms. Aligned

Okay, I gave myself until Monday, but then was all, "Oh duuurn, forgot Monday was a holiday." So now it's Tuesday, but I've wasted most of the day. I can't stay in never-never land forever. Tomorrow, I'm getting up at 5am and hitting the pool for a well deserved and long overdue swim. Then I'm going to my old job to pick up my stuff I left behind, then turning in at least 25 applications, and finally researching programing schools. 

Stupid life. 

Oh also, took a final pregnancy test and it was negative. Had to make sure I waited long enough so it wasn't an issue, and this time didn't get it from the dollar store. Should probably make health insurance a priority to see wtf is going on with me.


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## Ms. Aligned

Damn, Steve Carrell's new show, The Patient, is fantastic. I've never seen him act in something so serious before. It's weird because I keep expecting him to say something funny, but he's great as a therapist. Lol!


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## Ms. Aligned

Omg, I wanted to watch something light hearted, easy, funny after a phone call from my ex coworker just completely put me back into that horrible mental space. I didn't want anything about fucking love, or careers, or...I guess real. So I look up the sci-fi shows on Peacock and after trying several and not making it more than 5 minutes in, ended up picking Wolf Like Me. Which started off looking like it was going to be very funny. 

It is not. It has just enough humor in it to keep you engaged through their gut wrenching emotional fucking drama. And then, I'm only on episode two, but I think there might be a werewolf in there, with a really cringingly annoying personality, but somehow the dynamic is kind of charming. What kind of sadistic fucks make a TV show like this? 

I am so annoyed at myself that I can't stop watching it. Kind of like Handmaid's Tale. Lol!


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## Ms. Aligned

Okay I'm done for the day. That felt....productive. Started off in the morning looking at jobs and forcing myself to fill out applications because I was like, ugh this is another dumb job and I don't want to do this dumb work anymore. Then I found one who's description read like my resume almost verbatim, and was like, "Hoooooooo, I *want* this....." It's literally everything I was doing at my old job, and has literally everything they didn't. Like, all the life changing shit my old job used to provide, then stopped, leading to my eventual resignation. As a matter of fact, they do better! Way better!

Now I'm like, "Please, pllllleeeeaaaassssse, pick me. I will literally do anything for you to pick me. You want me to shit in a bucket and then wear it on my head, I will literally shit in a bucket and wear it on my head every goddamned day, just to make sure you're completely satisfied with having chosen me. I'm hoping you wouldn't ask me to do that, but I'm just saying...I'm open to negotiation." Lol! 

I had to hold myself back from typing that in one of the boxes. 🤣


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## Ms. Aligned

My ex boss, "So, I need you to know that I am trying to reclassify your position title. You have been asked to do way more than your pay grade." Then she fucking quit.


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## Ms. Aligned

Fuck I can't smoke weed any more while job searching.


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## Ms. Aligned

Ugh, now that I'm getting back into work mode, I'm starting to realize how absolutely fucking insane I've been lately.

Felt good though, to just let everything out. Like actually cathartic. As dumb as it sounds I think I actually learned a lot about myself over the last month, and the chaos helped me reshape my priorities to something that doesn't feel like I'm just living life like a frog in a pot of water as it slowly boils me to death.

Real life is so fucking boring. But, maybe it doesn't have to be...maybe I need to just start having fun sometimes and not seeing it as some gross misconduct or deception of who I am, or the roles I take on. I think I've learned it's absolutely necessary for my wellbeing, to prioritize things that may not be, on paper or in logic, exactly what it should be.

It's the cracks that let the light shine through or something....stupid TV show. Lol!

Huh, maybe this was my midlife crisis. Lol!


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## Ms. Aligned

Holy SHIT dude, this is fucking insane. They win. My god. Now I'm fucking horny again. Lol!


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## Ms. Aligned

Aight, it has been a long day and now I'm in an internal battle with myself. 

Self...A (get it like type A personality?): Good for you for accomplishing 90% of the goals you set for this week, however, you did not complete them all. Consequently, you do not deserve a weekend until you have finished everything. Let this be a lesson next time, to ensure you don't fall behind again. 

New Self B: You're trying to get back into a normal routine and you know part of it is taking time for self care and not punishing yourself for failing to meet arbitrary standards you literally created for yourself. No one else cares. Enjoy your weekend, and if this makes you feel like shit to walk away with unfinished business, then work harder next week. But for now, it's Friday...forget it and have fun.


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## Ms. Aligned

Johnny's character on Cobra Kai is such the epitome of Gen X. Lol! "What's that smell?" "Either paint thinner or pesticide. It will air out in a couple days. Just breathe through your mouth." Lol!


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## Ms. Aligned

Alright so, next chapter in my man saga....

So on Friday, the kids were spending the night at their friend's houses, and I decide I'm going to go out for a bit. Because I was feeling lazy, I just went back to my old bar again, the one where everything went weird. I was having a good time, when suddenly who reaches out? The first dude. I guess I'll name him Arthur, because when we first met he reminded me of the Gallos King Arthur statue. Lol!


* *




















Incidentally that statue also, first and foremost reminds me of my father, and then we have that whole father theme running through our interactions which is what convinced me to convince myself that it was a sign that it was something good that I should go for in the first place. Anyway, but that is neither here nor there.

So Artie reaches out and says he really just misses our conversations and that he's not really into sex though. I thought about it, and was like, that's fine. Last time I reached out to him was with the negative test result and saying he could go in peace and that I wasn't mad at him anymore. I also wanted the opportunity to talk to him when I wasn't so crazy emotional and to ask about wtf happened that night? Did the one guy say something weird to him?

I ask him if he wants to meet up and he heads towards my bar. But it's not exactly what I expected....

He walks in and it's like we never missed a beat. He was right, our conversations really are...effortless. They run the whole gambit of conversation, intriguing, funny, philosophical, psychological, political, silly, real. We just dance from topic to topic, whether it's sharing music or the mysteries of the universe. And, he kisses me and asks if I want to go back to my place... ".....Sure....."

We get back to my place and have a few more drinks, and then we have sex. This time, I could tell I was holding back, and I wouldn't really allow myself to get to the point of finishing with him. Like I would start to feel it, and suddenly my mind would just shut it down. Sex is so emotionally driven....I guess that's what happens when you get someone emotionally charged and aroused, and then just ghost them after a positive pregnancy test.

Here is the thing, when we got to my place and I showed him the test (not sure why I held on to it, I guess just in case I ever had that moment), his reaction was though he was unaware, so he must have blocked my messages and not received them before. "Wait....so you're pregnant?" "No, I took three more tests and they were negative." "Oh....okay..."

Asshole.

Yet, like I said we had sex but I was holding back emotionally. Here is the thing though, it was still really good. Something is different with him. He feels like being with a real person, if that makes any sense. One of the problems I've always had with intimacy is, it's great in my imagination. I have an extremely vivid imagination so I can imagine the sights, the sounds, the smells, the touch, the taste, but it is still a product of my imagination. Living in a world where everything is created perfectly to my own design. Then, you end up actually touching, feeling, someone, and it's nothing like you imagined it to be. The feeling is different.

Because I have such a close personal relationship with my imagination, it makes the person seem like the one who is...unreal. Like it's a movie scene or a script that is being played out. It's real enough to be happening, but it's not, real though. Gah, my words in describing this are failing me.

With this guy though, I walk away feeling like he was real. Like he isn't a part of a fantasy, or some idea that I want to have. He's just a real human being that I was interacting with. Perhaps this is because I feel like I can be my real self around him. He doesn't judge my weirdness like my ex soul mate did. Scratch that, he doesn't immediately judge, he just rolls with it. By doing that it makes me feel free to express myself in the moment, or do things outside of my comfort zone.

For example, it was in the complete middle of the night, and he's like, "Let's go have a cigarette, just like this, we don't even need to get dressed." "What? No way, do you know how many people have Ring cameras these days?" "Who cares?! Let's just do it!" So, I did, and there we were standing like Adam and Eve, in the rain, in the dark, smoking a cigarette and laughing about dumb shit. I think that's something you can really only do with someone you feel very comfortable in your own bodies with.

Then, he starts getting personal again. I'm starting to think this may be a natural progression in his intoxication, because he does it every time, and it's always what throws me off. Like, he starts asking me if I would be willing to hang out with him and his dad again. I know what a special thing that is for him, so I'm flattered he would ask, and say, "Of course I could provide some emotional support and hang out with you guys."

At the end of the night, I just couldn't do it with him though. I did allow him to help me out with his fingers while I finished myself, which worked. Clearly there is now a deeply seeded distrust of him, despite how embracing I am of our newly adjusted dynamics.

I realized we are friends, and he just wants to be friends, but also because of our chemistry, we will occasionally be friends with benefits. I allowed him to take the lead last time, but it put me in a bad place because although I think I understood this before, he still remained in charge of the friends with benefits thing. It was on his time, or his way, which was more like a leader/follower relationship than a friendship, so of course I wan't happy with the arrangement. I suppose I'm glad he did that early and initially so I could run through my feelings before I developed unreal expectations and it resulted in the complete dissolution of the friendship altogether.

I'd have to be an idiot now to not hear his glaring requests for friendship (that may get sticky sometimes with benefits (haha, sticky)). And that's fine, but it's also going to be on my terms too now, which means he's going to have to show more respect than just asking me to play along when he's in mood, and leave him alone when he's not, because I do feel like he's an actual genuine human companion.

This is probably one of those things I am going to look back and realize was me just trying to convince myself of something I wanted to believe, again. Like I want to believe we can develop an honest and mutually beneficial friendship. Probably more likely, I'm just getting my ass PLAYED. Because I seriously have not felt real with another adult human male in a very long time....

Can you really be played if you're getting something out of it too? Even if that something is a twisted game of intimacy Russian roulette? God, that is such a good metaphor for what I have a feeling it's going to be like. Like each time we hang out, pull the trigger, sigh in relief, made it through that time without catching the feels and being destroyed. Next time, spin, cock, and poof!


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Oh, and then the other dude text me. 😳


----------



## Ms. Aligned




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## Ms. Aligned




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## Ms. Aligned




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## Ms. Aligned




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## Ms. Aligned




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## Ms. Aligned

I need to close tabs, lol.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

So I got super drunk yesterday, seriously not sure why alcohol hit me so hard. Probably those damn pain pills. I have leftover steak and cannot decide whether to make pancit or stroganoff with it. I think I might still be a little bit tipsy. 

I text the dude yesterday, hitting him up for sex which he never responded to. I then again text him this morning saying, "En vino veritas, or something. I'm sorry but it's true, I'm both physically and romantically attracted to you and I'm always going to want sex. Sorry, friend." :/

So I guess that is that....

Stroganoff.....no pancit......grrrrrrrr.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Fuck it I'm making both....for breakfast....


----------



## Kintsugi

Ms. Aligned said:


> Lol, yeah not easily offended.
> 
> Please do.


Okies. Gimme time to bounce about, lmao

What I really like about you is that despite my insanity, I haven't once felt you try to correct or even assume anything about me. I relate that to INTJ's, and to my ex in particular. 

To me it's just an "INTJ" thing


----------



## Kintsugi

What is the other types that get pinned to you?

I'm guessing Se domiants?

Which, well....an xNTJ that has got a hold of their Se-ness is *sexy *


----------



## Kintsugi

Please excuse me LMAO 

I won't corrupt you....I promise


----------



## Kintsugi

Dude, regardless of my sexual perversion.....

still interested xD


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Kintsugi said:


> What is the other types that get pinned to you?
> 
> I'm guessing Se domiants?
> 
> Which, well....an xNTJ that has got a hold of their Se-ness is *sexy *


Online, people have typed me all over the place. In person...people have typed me all over the place. 😆

I don't really fit the INTJ "profile", but when you look at the functions, it's pretty obvious. I think growing up with, and dating, a bunch of XXTPs has influenced my behavior quite a bit. I wan't raised in a diversified area with many intuitive types, so I adapted to fit in with anything that wasn't an SJ, lol. 

That's pretty much how I categorized people before I knew about MBTI. SJs, and everyone else who didn't care about arbitrary rules and useless traditions. 

I'd like to think I've grown a lot in my understandings since then.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Kintsugi said:


> Please excuse me LMAO
> 
> I won't corrupt you....I promise


I feel like I should be the one saying this to you. Lol!


----------



## Kintsugi

Dude, I think I'm about to be banned from some PerC threads, LOL


----------



## Kintsugi

Okay, so....

let's talk Se-dominants

My best friends have always been ESFPs. Dunno why. Absolutely love those bastards. But I do know that when I get all philosophical with them that they lose me, lol. It doesn't matter though.....I love them.

Female NTJs are interesting. Possibly the only beings in the world that could witness the madness of my life...and not really raise an eyebrow. 

I fucking love that?


----------



## Kintsugi




----------



## Kintsugi

That's me ^


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Kintsugi said:


> Dude, I think I'm about to be banned from some PerC threads, LOL


Uh oh, what have you done? Lol


Kintsugi said:


> Okay, so....
> 
> let's talk Se-dominants
> 
> My best friends have always been ESFPs. Dunno why. Absolutely love those bastards. But I do know that when I get all philosophical with them that they lose me, lol. It doesn't matter though.....I love them.
> 
> Female NTJs are interesting. Possibly the only beings in the world that could witness the madness of my life...and not really raise an eyebrow.
> 
> I fucking love that?


Of all the SPs, I've hung out with ESFPs probably the least. In my youth I was very hard core T (didn't start coming around to F types until my 30s), so I didn't hang around many in general. I had a coworker though that was an ESFP. She was hilarious.

I'd never talked to her before after she was hired on, and one day she just stormed into my office and blurted, "Why do I feel like I can come in here and tell you how unhappy I am with my boyfriend's penis?" ".....I...don't....know...." 🤣 We became good friends, and she took me under her wing. Lol, tried to take me shopping to look cuter, made me get rid of sports bras and buy real ones, etc. It was like I was her personal paper doll, lol. She was a bad ass.

According to her, she thought I hated her, and was a total bitch, until the day she walked into my office.

What do you type as?


----------



## Kintsugi

Ms. Aligned said:


> What do you type as?


Guess, for fun xD


----------



## Kintsugi

I actually don't give a shit how others type me.....so, don't hold back

It's al interesting in the grand scheme of things


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Fuck, I tried to look at your profile but you have it set to private. From the sheer amount of INFXs on this forum, I think the safest bet is to go with one of those. Lol


----------



## Kintsugi

I think if I add you as a mate it's all good? Let's try it out


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Lol, I was trying to cheat and see if you had it listed, or look at what threads/forums you mostly post in.


----------



## Kintsugi

Ms. Aligned said:


> Lol, I was trying to cheat and see if you had it listed, or look at what threads/forums you mostly post in.


----------



## Kintsugi

how do I unset it to private tho


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## Ms. Aligned

Account settings > Privacy


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## Kintsugi

What does my PF say now?


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## Kintsugi

Ohhh, I got a little green light by my ass. That's new


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## Ms. Aligned

Ha! ESFP, I was going to guess that but thought it was too obvious because we had been discussing them.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Kintsugi said:


> Ohhh, I got a little green light by my ass. That's new


I've looked, you can reset your privacy settings again.


----------



## Kintsugi

Ms. Aligned said:


> Ha! ESFP, I was going to guess that but thought it was too obvious because we had been discussing them.


Ohhhhh!

You know ESFPs and INTJs are a GREAT couple xD

But, truthfully, I think there is still a good argument for ENFP for me


----------



## Kintsugi

Hey, did that change anything? Coz i'm confused lol


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Kintsugi said:


> Ohhhhh!
> 
> You know ESFPs and INTJs are a GREAT couple xD
> 
> But, truthfully, I think there is still a good argument for ENFP for me


Those are very different functions, have you taken one of those keys to cognition tests?


----------



## Kintsugi

Ms. Aligned said:


> Those are very different functions, have you taken one of those keys to cognition tests?


Show me, I'd be happy to oblige


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Kintsugi said:


> Hey, did that change anything? Coz i'm confused lol


I think instead of just allowing access to view your profile, you removed most of the privacy settings, just have to go back in and set them to whatever you prefer. There are like 10 different options or something.


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## Kintsugi

Well I don't care about privacy settings tbh



> Fuck, I tried to look at your profile but you have it set to private. From the sheer amount of INFXs on this forum, I think the safest bet is to go with one of those. Lol


What did you wanna know about me?


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Kintsugi said:


> Show me, I'd be happy to oblige


Looks like the site has changed. It's saying it's not secure, so I wouldn't enter any personal information. 



Keys 2 Cognition - Cognitive Processes Assessment


----------



## Kintsugi

http://keys2cognition.com/cgi/survey48.pl


----------



## Kintsugi

does that link to my results?


----------



## Kintsugi

I don't think it does


----------



## Kintsugi

*Your Cognitive Profile*​*Understanding Your Results*
Your cognitive profile is presented below. It is based on how you rated described yourself. A 4-letter personality type code is also presented for your convenience if you are familiar with that framework. Most people find their results match their 4-letter personality type code. That is, we tend to develop and utilize what we prefer and vice versa. As you reflect on your cognitive profile, keep in mind that sometimes we develop a cognitive process to meet the demands of our environment or use a process well in one area of our lives but not others.
*The Eight Processes*
Swiss psychiatrist Dr. Carl Jung identified four mental functions. Today we know them as cognitive processes. We focus our attention and gather information using Sensing (S) and iNtuiting (N), and we organize our experiences and make decisions using Thinking (T) and Feeling (F). Jung described how each of these four processes plays out in a person's "internal world" (I) of thoughts, feelings, memories, and imagination; and in the "external world" (E) of actions, people, tools, and organizations. Thus, there are eight cognitive processes (Se, Si, Ne, Ni, Te, Ti, Fe, Fi).
*Basic and Developed Use*
Each cognitive process can be engaged in a basic, unsophisticated way reflecting our natural human capabilities. Almost everyone can engage each process in some basic way. We often do every day. Beyond this, you will engage some cognitive processes in a more sophisticated, developed way. This is likely the result of innate preference plus lifelong growth and practice, which equals development.
*Perceiving — how we focus our attention and gather information*


> *Cognitive Process**Basic (Passive) Use**Developed (Active) Use*extraverted Sensing (Se)Notice sensory data in the environment.Trust your instincts and take action relevant to the moment and current context.introverted Sensing (Si)Recall tangible data and experiences.Stabilize a situation by comparing it to what is expected, known and reliable.extraverted Intuiting (Ne)Notice abstract patterns as they emerge.Shift a situation's dynamics and explore imaginative potential possibilities.introverted Intuiting (Ni)Receive "ah-ha" insights and realizations.Pursue a greater level of awareness to transform who you are and how you think.


*Judging — how we organize our experiences and make decisions*


> *Cognitive Process**Basic (Passive) Use**Developed (Active) Use*extraverted Thinking (Te)Follow steps, points and time tables.Create structure, reason by measures and evidence, and implement complex plans.introverted Thinking (Ti)Adhere to definitions and impersonal principles.Analyze a problem using a framework, and find an angle or leverage by which to solve it.extraverted Feeling (Fe)Honor others' needs and preferences.Connect with people by sharing values and taking on their needs as yours.introverted Feeling (Fi)Adhere to personal beliefs about what's important.Evaluate situations and choose what you believe is congruent with your personal identity.


Development is more than basic or advanced use of processes in isolation. We can talk about a spectrum. Wise use of a cognitive process involves both basic and developed use as appropriate, plus an ability to deploy other processes in its service. Thus, thinking of a spectrum, "average" to "good" use usually means we can use the process in limited situations or use it well but only with the aid of other processes. In contrast, "poor" use means merely basic use or maybe inappropriate use. Finally, we may get ourselves into trouble when we don't utilize a process at all.
*Your Cognitive Development Profile*
The forty-eight questions you rated earlier tap into the eight cognitive processes. Some questions tapped into basic or developed use of a process used by itself, while other questions tapped into use of multiple processes at once. The profile below is based on your responses. The number of squares indicate strength of response. The equivalent numeric is shown in parentheses along with likely level of development.

*Cognitive Process**Level of Development (Preference, Skill and Frequency of Use)*extraverted Sensing (Se)**** (30.4)
good useintroverted Sensing (Si)***** (15.8)
unusedextraverted Intuiting (Ne)*** (49.7)
excellent useintroverted Intuiting (Ni)**** (26)
average useextraverted Thinking (Te)****** (16.8)
limited useintroverted Thinking (Ti)*** (29.6)
average useextraverted Feeling (Fe)**** (26)
average useintroverted Feeling (Fi)*** (45.5)
excellent use

*Summary Analysis of Profile*
By focusing on the strongest configuration of cognitive processes, your pattern of responses most closely matches individuals of this type: *ENFP*


> *Lead (Dominant) Process
> Extraverted Intuiting (Ne):* Exploring the emerging patterns. Wondering about patterns of interaction across various situations. Checking what hypotheses and meanings fit best. Trusting what emerges as you shift a situation’s dynamics.
> 
> *Support (Auxilliary) Process
> Introverted Feeling (Fi):* Staying true to who you really are. Paying close attention to your personal identity, values and beliefs. Checking with your conscience. Choosing behavior congruent with what is important to you.


If these cognitive processes don't fit well then consider these types: *INFP*, or *ENTP*

If these results are different from what you know of yourself, you might consider why your developmental pattern does not align with your expectation. You might also consider exploring this result as a possible better fit.
*The Four Temperaments*
Corresponding best-fit temperaments based on your profile: *Catalyst*; secondly Improviser; then Theorist; and lastly, Stabilizer.
To read more about the four temperaments click here.

*Aligning to Sixteen Patterns*
Jung observed that everyone has potential access to all eight cognitive processes but that we each prefer one as dominant — playing a lead role —with a second process playing a support role. Your two preferred cognitive processes allow you to do information gathering and decision making, introverting and extraverting. Maybe you prefer introverted Intuiting in a lead role with extraverted Feeling in a support role, or maybe you prefer extraverted Sensing in a lead role with introverted Thinking in a support role. Or maybe you prefer some other pairing. These pairings tap into sixteen possible patterns which are often represented using a 4-letter code. Here are the sixteen type patterns and the preferred cognitive processes associated with each:


> *Type**Lead Process**Support Process*ESTPextraverted Sensingintroverted ThinkingISTPintroverted Thinkingextraverted SensingESFPextraverted Sensingintroverted FeelingISFPintroverted Feelingextraverted SensingESTJextraverted Thinkingintroverted SensingISTJintroverted Sensingextraverted ThinkingESFJextraverted Feelingintroverted SensingISFJintroverted Sensingextraverted FeelingENTJextraverted Thinkingintroverted IntuitingINTJintroverted Intuitingextraverted ThinkingENTPextraverted Intuitingintroverted ThinkingINTPintroverted Thinkingextraverted IntuitingENFJextraverted Feelingintroverted IntuitingINFJintroverted Intuitingextraverted FeelingENFPextraverted Intuitingintroverted FeelingINFPintroverted Feelingextraverted Intuiting


*Validity and Reliability of Results*
This assessment underwent rigorous development with over 3000 people, and recent further validation with almost 130,000 respondents confirms validity. We used various validation methods, namely latent class analysis (with Cronbach alpha >= 0.70). You can consider your results here as valid as those from any professionally-developed assessment. You can read more here:

the 2006 white paper, and
the 2021 white paper
In the original study, people who took this assessment and reported their 4-letter type code received results that matched their type code 75% to 80% of the time. This is excellent performance since the reported type may be inaccurate even when "validated" or from a professional assessment. And even when the type code does not exactly match, the central functional pair (e.g. SF, ST, NF, NT) matches 95% of the time.

*Clarifying Your Result*
What if the 4-letter code reported here is different from what you expected? Let's say that your type code result here is ESTP and the type you are familiar with for yourself is INTJ. Even though the type codes look quite different, you may have rated the cognitive processes for these two types rather closely. Also, keep in mind the cognitive profile is based on your responses. Continuing with the example, if you didn't think of yourself as an ESTP, then you would reflect on why you rated highly a phrase such as "freely follow your gut instincts and exciting physical impulses as they come up." This phrase clearly does not fit with the INTJ type pattern. Please visit www.bestfittype.com for more information and exploration.
*Further Exploration*
Here are some resources in hardcopy and e-book format to further understand your profile and the framework in general:

_8 Keys to Self-Leadership: From Awareness to Action_ by Dario Nardi
_Neuroscience of Personality: Brain-Savvy Insights for All Types of People_ by Dario Nardi
_16 Personality Types: Descriptions for Self-Discovery_ by Linda Berens and Dario Nardi
_Understanding Yourself and Others: An Introduction to the Personality Type Code_ by Linda Berens and Dario Nardi
_Quick Guide to the 16 Types in Organizations_ by Linda Berens, Dario Nardi, et al.
_The Magic Diamond: Jung's 8 Paths for Self-Coaching_ by Dario Nardi
_Personality Types_ app for Apple iPhone

Copyright Dario Nardi, 2007, 2021. Please contact service [@] radiancehouse.com to use or translate material on this site.


----------



## Kintsugi

*Your Cognitive Profile*​*Understanding Your Results*
Your cognitive profile is presented below. It is based on how you rated described yourself. A 4-letter personality type code is also presented for your convenience if you are familiar with that framework. Most people find their results match their 4-letter personality type code. That is, we tend to develop and utilize what we prefer and vice versa. As you reflect on your cognitive profile, keep in mind that sometimes we develop a cognitive process to meet the demands of our environment or use a process well in one area of our lives but not others.
*The Eight Processes*
Swiss psychiatrist Dr. Carl Jung identified four mental functions. Today we know them as cognitive processes. We focus our attention and gather information using Sensing (S) and iNtuiting (N), and we organize our experiences and make decisions using Thinking (T) and Feeling (F). Jung described how each of these four processes plays out in a person's "internal world" (I) of thoughts, feelings, memories, and imagination; and in the "external world" (E) of actions, people, tools, and organizations. Thus, there are eight cognitive processes (Se, Si, Ne, Ni, Te, Ti, Fe, Fi).
*Basic and Developed Use*
Each cognitive process can be engaged in a basic, unsophisticated way reflecting our natural human capabilities. Almost everyone can engage each process in some basic way. We often do every day. Beyond this, you will engage some cognitive processes in a more sophisticated, developed way. This is likely the result of innate preference plus lifelong growth and practice, which equals development.
*Perceiving — how we focus our attention and gather information*


> *Cognitive Process**Basic (Passive) Use**Developed (Active) Use*extraverted Sensing (Se)Notice sensory data in the environment.Trust your instincts and take action relevant to the moment and current context.introverted Sensing (Si)Recall tangible data and experiences.Stabilize a situation by comparing it to what is expected, known and reliable.extraverted Intuiting (Ne)Notice abstract patterns as they emerge.Shift a situation's dynamics and explore imaginative potential possibilities.introverted Intuiting (Ni)Receive "ah-ha" insights and realizations.Pursue a greater level of awareness to transform who you are and how you think.


*Judging — how we organize our experiences and make decisions*


> *Cognitive Process**Basic (Passive) Use**Developed (Active) Use*extraverted Thinking (Te)Follow steps, points and time tables.Create structure, reason by measures and evidence, and implement complex plans.introverted Thinking (Ti)Adhere to definitions and impersonal principles.Analyze a problem using a framework, and find an angle or leverage by which to solve it.extraverted Feeling (Fe)Honor others' needs and preferences.Connect with people by sharing values and taking on their needs as yours.introverted Feeling (Fi)Adhere to personal beliefs about what's important.Evaluate situations and choose what you believe is congruent with your personal identity.


Development is more than basic or advanced use of processes in isolation. We can talk about a spectrum. Wise use of a cognitive process involves both basic and developed use as appropriate, plus an ability to deploy other processes in its service. Thus, thinking of a spectrum, "average" to "good" use usually means we can use the process in limited situations or use it well but only with the aid of other processes. In contrast, "poor" use means merely basic use or maybe inappropriate use. Finally, we may get ourselves into trouble when we don't utilize a process at all.
*Your Cognitive Development Profile*
The forty-eight questions you rated earlier tap into the eight cognitive processes. Some questions tapped into basic or developed use of a process used by itself, while other questions tapped into use of multiple processes at once. The profile below is based on your responses. The number of squares indicate strength of response. The equivalent numeric is shown in parentheses along with likely level of development.

*Cognitive Process**Level of Development (Preference, Skill and Frequency of Use)*extraverted Sensing (Se) **** (30.4)
good useintroverted Sensing (Si) ***** (15.8)
unusedextraverted Intuiting (Ne) *** (49.7)
excellent useintroverted Intuiting (Ni) **** (26)
average useextraverted Thinking (Te) ****** (16.8)
limited useintroverted Thinking (Ti) *** (29.6)
average useextraverted Feeling (Fe) **** (26)
average useintroverted Feeling (Fi) *** (45.5)
excellent use

*Summary Analysis of Profile*
By focusing on the strongest configuration of cognitive processes, your pattern of responses most closely matches individuals of this type: *ENFP*


> *Lead (Dominant) Process
> Extraverted Intuiting (Ne):* Exploring the emerging patterns. Wondering about patterns of interaction across various situations. Checking what hypotheses and meanings fit best. Trusting what emerges as you shift a situation’s dynamics.
> 
> *Support (Auxilliary) Process
> Introverted Feeling (Fi):* Staying true to who you really are. Paying close attention to your personal identity, values and beliefs. Checking with your conscience. Choosing behavior congruent with what is important to you.


If these cognitive processes don't fit well then consider these types: *INFP*, or *ENTP*

If these results are different from what you know of yourself, you might consider why your developmental pattern does not align with your expectation. You might also consider exploring this result as a possible better fit.
*The Four Temperaments*
Corresponding best-fit temperaments based on your profile: *Catalyst*; secondly Improviser; then Theorist; and lastly, Stabilizer.
To read more about the four temperaments click here.

*Aligning to Sixteen Patterns*
Jung observed that everyone has potential access to all eight cognitive processes but that we each prefer one as dominant — playing a lead role —with a second process playing a support role. Your two preferred cognitive processes allow you to do information gathering and decision making, introverting and extraverting. Maybe you prefer introverted Intuiting in a lead role with extraverted Feeling in a support role, or maybe you prefer extraverted Sensing in a lead role with introverted Thinking in a support role. Or maybe you prefer some other pairing. These pairings tap into sixteen possible patterns which are often represented using a 4-letter code. Here are the sixteen type patterns and the preferred cognitive processes associated with each:


> *Type**Lead Process**Support Process*ESTPextraverted Sensingintroverted ThinkingISTPintroverted Thinkingextraverted SensingESFPextraverted Sensingintroverted FeelingISFPintroverted Feelingextraverted SensingESTJextraverted Thinkingintroverted SensingISTJintroverted Sensingextraverted ThinkingESFJextraverted Feelingintroverted SensingISFJintroverted Sensingextraverted FeelingENTJextraverted Thinkingintroverted IntuitingINTJintroverted Intuitingextraverted ThinkingENTPextraverted Intuitingintroverted ThinkingINTPintroverted Thinkingextraverted IntuitingENFJextraverted Feelingintroverted IntuitingINFJintroverted Intuitingextraverted FeelingENFPextraverted Intuitingintroverted FeelingINFPintroverted Feelingextraverted Intuiting


*Validity and Reliability of Results*
This assessment underwent rigorous development with over 3000 people, and recent further validation with almost 130,000 respondents confirms validity. We used various validation methods, namely latent class analysis (with Cronbach alpha >= 0.70). You can consider your results here as valid as those from any professionally-developed assessment. You can read more here:

the 2006 white paper, and
the 2021 white paper
In the original study, people who took this assessment and reported their 4-letter type code received results that matched their type code 75% to 80% of the time. This is excellent performance since the reported type may be inaccurate even when "validated" or from a professional assessment. And even when the type code does not exactly match, the central functional pair (e.g. SF, ST, NF, NT) matches 95% of the time.

*Clarifying Your Result*
What if the 4-letter code reported here is different from what you expected? Let's say that your type code result here is ESTP and the type you are familiar with for yourself is INTJ. Even though the type codes look quite different, you may have rated the cognitive processes for these two types rather closely. Also, keep in mind the cognitive profile is based on your responses. Continuing with the example, if you didn't think of yourself as an ESTP, then you would reflect on why you rated highly a phrase such as "freely follow your gut instincts and exciting physical impulses as they come up." This phrase clearly does not fit with the INTJ type pattern. Please visit www.bestfittype.com for more information and exploration.
*Further Exploration*
Here are some resources in hardcopy and e-book format to further understand your profile and the framework in general:

_8 Keys to Self-Leadership: From Awareness to Action_ by Dario Nardi
_Neuroscience of Personality: Brain-Savvy Insights for All Types of People_ by Dario Nardi
_16 Personality Types: Descriptions for Self-Discovery_ by Linda Berens and Dario Nardi
_Understanding Yourself and Others: An Introduction to the Personality Type Code_ by Linda Berens and Dario Nardi
_Quick Guide to the 16 Types in Organizations_ by Linda Berens, Dario Nardi, et al.
_The Magic Diamond: Jung's 8 Paths for Self-Coaching_ by Dario Nardi
_Personality Types_ app for Apple iPhone

Copyright Dario Nardi, 2007, 2021. Please contact service [@] radiancehouse.com to use or translate material on this site.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Ha! Well there you have it. Looks like you use a lot more Ne than Se. And with your Te being so limited, it does make a good argument for ENFP.


----------



## Kintsugi

Ms. Aligned said:


> Ha! Well there you have it. Looks like you use a lot more Ne than Se. And with your Te being so limited, it does make a good argument for ENFP.


Love that!

We still thinking INTJ for you???


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Yeah, I'm very sure, but for shits and giggles I'll take the test. It's been a while, would be interesting to see if it has changed much.


----------



## Kintsugi

Sorry dude, I spammed your space with my BS xD


----------



## Kintsugi

Yes.....please reveal


----------



## Ms. Aligned

​

*Cognitive Process**Level of Development (Preference, Skill and Frequency of Use)*extraverted Sensing (Se)**** (26.6)
average useintroverted Sensing (Si)*** (13.4)
unusedextraverted Intuiting (Ne)***** (40)
excellent useintroverted Intuiting (Ni)***** (47.2)
excellent useextraverted Thinking (Te)**** (34.1)
good useintroverted Thinking (Ti)**** (38.9)
excellent useextraverted Feeling (Fe)***** (7.5)
unusedintroverted Feeling (Fi)****** (32.7)
good use

*Summary Analysis of Profile*
By focusing on the strongest configuration of cognitive processes, your pattern of responses most closely matches individuals of this type: *INTJ*


> *Lead (Dominant) Process
> Introverted Intuiting (Ni):* Transforming with a meta-perspective. Withdrawing from the world and focusing your mind to receive an insight or realization. Checking if synergy results. Trying out a realization to transform things.
> 
> *Support (Auxilliary) Process
> Extraverted Thinking (Te):* Measuring and constructing for progress. Making decisions objectively based on evidence and measures. Checking if things function properly. Applying a procedure to control events and complete goals.


If these cognitive processes don't fit well then consider these types: *ENTJ*, or *INTP*




Damn, I thought I was doing better with Fe these days. That whole take on someone's needs as your own thing just repulses me. Lol!


----------



## Ms. Aligned

My Te has gone down too, and I'm kind of surprised at my Ti. Huh


----------



## Kintsugi

Ms. Aligned said:


> My Te has gone down too, and I'm kind of surprised at my Ti. Huh


what would the test look like if you took it 10 years ago?


----------



## Ms. Aligned

I actually happen to have one saved somewhere from like 09, one sec.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

This is from 2012

Cognitive Process Level of Development (Preference, Skill and Frequency of Use)

extraverted Sensing (Se) *** (21.8)
limited use

introverted Sensing (Si) **** (26.2)
average use

extraverted Intuiting (Ne) **** (30.5)
good use

introverted Intuiting (Ni) *** (41.3)
excellent use

extraverted Thinking (Te) ****** (40.6)
excellent use

introverted Thinking (Ti) ***** (31.3)
good use

extraverted Feeling (Fe) **** (18.9)
limited use

introverted Feeling (Fi) **** (30)
average use


----------



## Kintsugi

It didn't give you a "most likely outcome" ?


----------



## Kintsugi

Yeah....you're an xNTJ


----------



## Kintsugi

Sorry, pls remind me of the image of your avatar?


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Function20122022ChangeSe21.826.6-->Si26.213.4<--Ne30.540-->Ni41.347.2-->Te 40.634.1<--Ti31.338.9-->Fe18.97.5<--Fi3032.7-->

Fuck and I thought I was getting BETTER at Fe? Yikes.


----------



## Kintsugi

Tell me about this?


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Kintsugi said:


> It didn't give you a "most likely outcome" ?


It did, but I didn't save it back then. It was INTJ. 



Kintsugi said:


> Sorry, pls remind me of the image of your avatar?


From the show Little Demon on Hulu, you should check it out, it's funny. And what I felt like trying to raise my kids. Lol!


----------



## Kintsugi

Dude, you may be my ENFP sista <3


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Kintsugi said:


> Tell me about this?


It's a nice song. Has that melancholic quality to it. I could imagine choreographing a lyrical dance routine to it. 



Kintsugi said:


> Dude, you may be my ENFP sista <3


Now that is a first. I don't think anyone has ever typed me ENFP before. Of all the types, the three I've never gotten were ISFJ, ESFJ, and ENFP. Lol


----------



## Kintsugi

I'm going to do something different....

I lost my best friend to suicide....


----------



## Ms. Aligned

That's sad, I'm really sorry to hear that. A distant relative committed suicide recently, and it really messed people up. So many doubts, regrets, and mulling over missed opportunities/possibilities.


----------



## Kintsugi




----------



## Kintsugi

pls listen <3


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Kintsugi said:


>


Damn it, I got so tipsy yesterday that I lost my weed vape. Idk why this song is making me angry at that lol. 

This is a good song, but it's Sunday morning. You need something happy. Lol


----------



## Kintsugi




----------



## Kintsugi

listen to it <3


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Omgerd I want to fence so bad.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Baahahaha! I just cut 6in just off the top of my head. It looks so good right now, lol, but my hair is curly, so god only knows what it will look like after I wash it. Actually, I know exactly how it will look...










Lolol!


----------



## Ms. Aligned

My hair is fine and needed the height.


----------



## Ms. Aligned




----------



## Ms. Aligned

Omg, I love the character of Billie on Avenue 5. She delivers the frustration of being surrounded by idiots so perfectly. "No, NO! Mass and gravity are NOT the same. Know how I know? Because they're two different words!" 🤣 Or, "What do you want me to get crayons? You want me to draw you diagrams and shit?!?!" Omg, the struggle is real sometimes. Lol


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Sigh, kiddos are gone at friend's, and I have nothing to do but sit here, watch TV, and get drunk. I'm debating going to the club and doing like I used to before I started trying to be more social. Just put my ear buds in and play pool in the corner by myself. I don't really care what people at the bar think of me, but also don't find much value hanging out where people are actively trying to sabotage my social life for whatever fucking reason.Then again, there is always the, you don't know that I know you're two faced thing, and I have the upper hand at this point. There are all kinds of things I could do to weed out the assholes. But, do I really care that much?

No

Because anyone who would be susceptible to such influence doesn't belong in my life anyway. 

The other problem is that being a Saturday night, the chances of my dominating one of two pool tables and playing by myself is unlikely. The odds I'd be challenged or piss people off for declining, and bringing unwanted attention, is more than I'm up for right now. 

Sigh, now I'm back in that space of being so closed off that the possibility of me meeting anyone new in the near future is close to zero, and I feel stuck again, at least before I had a paycheck. Most of the things in my area that I could do cost money, and since job searching is going way slower than I anticipated (starting to doubt whether I'll have a new job by Christmas), I need to live like a starving college student for now.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Fuck it, I'll go early and leave before most people get there. Hour max.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Okay, well that was interesting. It was super dead so I actually did have an opportunity to play pool, which was great.

There was also a group of "regulars" there, and Italians have this certain way of knowing if someone is fucking you. So, I paid attention. There is one guy in particular who used to be infrequent, but every time something has happened recently, he's been there. I tried not to let it show, but I have a strong feeling he's the one behind it. 

Instead, I was like, "Oh, you think I'm a weirdo, eh? Allow my freak flag to fly, mother fucker." 

Clearly he has gained popularity by visiting more frequently. And surely that means people like him....He creeps me the fuck out. He has that smiling and humble face that I don't trust at all, like Jack London's Moonface. 

Not like smiling humble...












But that kind where you can't make eye contact and close your eyes while smiling at the same time. Like, 










But creepier. Chin down, eyes slightly open.

Creepy ass fucking grin. 

I'm not wasting any more of my time on this guy. Hope you're enjoying the earbuds you fucking bottom feeder, carp ass mother fucker. Oh you a dragon now! Step softly..., you may have power in numbers right now, but that's only because I never shared what happened between us. Do NOT mistake my kindness for weakness. 

-Aligned


----------



## Ms. Aligned

How you know you're losing your mind. 

You growl back at your dogs....

Also, your dogs are growling at you....


----------



## mimesis

Ms. Aligned said:


> I'll talk about my date later. But one thing he said to me, was that when we met at the bar, people kept going up to him and telling him I'm a fucking weirdo. But, you know, he doesn't judge.


What's the bloody point of claiming 'not judging' if he thinks it's somehow relevant to channel negative judgement from your environment?

Just doesn't sound sincere or considerate to me. Did he really say 'kept going'?


----------



## Ms. Aligned

mimesis said:


> What's the bloody point of claiming 'not judging' if he thinks it's somehow relevant to channel negative judgement from your environment?
> 
> Just doesn't sound sincere or considerate to me. Did he really say 'kept going'?


No idea. I'm actually very glad he told me. Most people don't have the balls to speak the truth, which I much prefer to passive aggressive, fake ass, time wasting BS. But yeah, the "not judging" is like when your kid comes home from school and you ask them how it went. They tell you a whole story, and end it with, "I'm not lying." "Uh...huh...."

Idk, he could have been trying to make me feel insecure in some kind of dominance play. He could have found it funny and worth sharing since I give off a zero fucks vibe. He could have been trying to show he was looking out for me by telling me what was going on, and trying to develop trust through (what I consider) undesirable methods like gaining points. Or, he could have simply respected me, and wanted to let me know and that it didn't effect his view of me. 🤷‍♀️

And I think that's what he said. When I wrote that post it would have been the most accurate recountment. I know for certain he used the word people, not someone, and used the DJ as an example of one of those people. I don't know if it was multiple people from one group, or representatives from different groups. He either said, people were, or people kept, though. I may have transposed were to kept in my memory. I'm not certain.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

I feel like that moment of suspension when you hit the very top of those rides that shoot you up really quickly then you free fall. My mind is quiet. Something that always unnerves me, but usually doesn't last for more than a few hours to a day. Like after I tried meditating (not for me). 

I knew this was going to happen once the adrenaline from all the changes wore off, that's why I tried to keep it going for so long. Get as much done as I could. Surf it, so to speak. Right now, my mind is in a complete and utter state of, "Durrrrr......" 

I think about what new jobs I can apply for at this point, and it's just silence in my head because when I think about what direction I want to go in, there's nothing. Just this triangle of analysis paralysis between time, money, and duty. Then if you want to start factoring in things like long term gratification and happiness, things get even more complicated and I'm, for the first time in my life, out of ideas...Everything I run checks in one direction (maybe two) but not the others. I'mma bout ready to hook jumper cables to my earlobes. Lol

Then, I was just reading the Who Are You Crushing On thread, and nothing. I tried to think of who would be cool to crush on, or what kind of guy I'd like to be interested in, nothing. Every type of guy I tried to think of, I thought, "Eh already explored that and found fault with it." Continuously refining my standards to the point that I don't think there are any realistic combinations left to try.

I am completely out of ideas. My god, I have wished for this so many times in my life. Craved it, fantasized about it even. Now that it's actually happened, feels a lot like....being naked. Makes me wonder why I craved it for so long knowing I didn't like the feeling of being thoughtless. I guess when I was picturing it in my mind, I was also picturing that I'd be ridiculously oblivious and happy. 

Observation and awareness, without ideas and the ability to problem solve, is quite a different feeling.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Ha, I never would have picked that for a blog title, so I went ahead and changed it.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Yes, I fucking nailed it!

I'm trying to get my family to start eating healthier. The problem is, it's my mom, kids, and I here, and my mom is on chemo. Because of this, nothing tastes good to her because it's distorted her taste buds or something. Everything is bitter. So when my mom started saying all the food I cooked tasted disgusting and preferring to buy fast food every day, my kids naturally jumped on board with that. My mom felt like the cool, fun, grandma for getting them the things they liked instead of subjecting them to my disgusting food. She's not really the type to realize my food isn't gross, just because it may taste funky to her, because of medication.

Anyway, so enough is enough, and it's unhealthy, so I tell my kids I'll make whatever fast food they enjoy, but at home where I can make it healthier. Kid picks orange chicken to start off with. Well, this was my first time trying to make it from scratch, and I fucking nailed it! Kiddo who requested it told me they liked it better than Panda Express, stating, "I like that home cooked flavor of it better."

AND, my mom loved it too! She just walked in and asked me to save her the rest of the leftovers. Woot!

I'm going to show these fuckers that home cooked is way better than fast food any fucking day!


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Oof, I've been doing some at home facial peels. While I expected almost like a sun burn and peeling, I did not expect this result, which is, I can clearly see every wrinkle and line on my face. Hello, precious...


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Fucking epiphany!!!!


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Woke up this morning to texts from Guy 3 and Artie, and all I could respond with was, "What the actual fuck...." Lol!


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Just started watching Garth Marenghi's Darkplace on Prime. I'd never seen this before. 

There is just something so special about watching a show from 20 years ago, pretend to be a show from 20 years prior to that. Lol!


----------



## Ms. Aligned

I was notified on September 15th that this company would be reaching out to me for an interview. It is now October 24th. I already followed up once to make sure I had not missed a communication and they said it could take 2-3 weeks to schedule. Well it has been 5. Idk if I should follow up again or just take the hint. I did see they'll let you know when a position has been filled though, and I haven't received that yet. Perhaps I should be more patient. 

At this point, I woke up this morning seriously considering taking a job at an Amazon warehouse just so I have some income coming in for the holidays, but also they literally work your ass off, so I could temporarily cancel my gym membership. Win/win


----------



## mimesis

I hope you can forgive me quoting below in this thread rather than the original.




Ms. Aligned said:


> I'm also thinking about things like, maybe since I blocked Artie, and he knows where I hang out on Fridays, he'll feel guilty and try to meet me there, so we can talk and make amends. I'm aware how completely delusional this is. I've come up with these imaginative scenarios my whole life, and no one ever does them. Not only that, but when I do things like that thinking it's romantic, people usually find them creepy, so I'm guessing these aren't things other people think about. Especially now days.


This actually wouldn't be an unusual behavioral strategy (and romantic fantasy if you will) for enneatype 4, in particular sx4. Other subtypes have a different way of being "Tragic Romantics". 

I read somewhere you don't see any other type in yourself than 8, so I thought perhaps this is an alternative option worth entertaining, particularly in light of what's been going on (and off) with Artie. 

I wouldn't have bothered this effort if it were just based on the quote above. I can't even be bothered discussing anyone's type these days, but I am making this exception because unlike many or even most others who have responded so far, it seems to me there is potential between you and Artie, if you can just allow it to seek its course.

Actually, for me it's more about a certain behavioral pattern (interferring with a relation seeking its course) than which type you identify with. 




> (...) Their relationship to suffering can thus best be understood as a refusal to suffer. This gets expressed as an active insistence on their needs being validated and met. (They want with anger.) More shameless than shameful, Sexual Fours are vocal about expressing their needs; they rebel against any shame connected to their desires. This subtype follows the life philosophy that “the squeaky wheel gets the grease.”
> 
> When others experience Sexual Fours as demanding, this can lead to a pattern of rejection and anger: Sexual Fours get mad when others don't meet their needs, but their demanding nature causes people to avoid or reject them, and then they get angry about being rejected. This type can thus get trapped in a vicious cycle when rejection leads to protest and protest leads to rejection. (...)
> 
> Sexual Fours are most likely to be confused with Type Eights or Sexual Twos. Like Eights, they have easier access to anger than most types, but they differ from Eights in the wider range of emotions they regularly feel. Naranjo points out that Eights often don't need to get angry, whereas this Four frequently feels misunderstood or envious, so they may show anger more often. They can also look like Sexual “Aggressive-Seductive” Twos (because both types can be aggressive and seductive in relationships) but the Sexual Two is more oriented toward pleasing others.


----------



## Ms. Aligned




----------



## Ms. Aligned

This is cool


----------



## Ms. Aligned




----------



## Ms. Aligned




----------



## Ms. Aligned




----------



## Ms. Aligned

I've decided I'm a sensor now.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Happy Halloween!


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Lol, I just looked up Garfield's mbti, apparently he's an INTP


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Someone! Hit me up tonight. Oh yeah, I asked if they had tricks, and they asked if I had treats. If this goes through, should be interesting to see how things have changed now that I understand there is a fundamental incompatibility. I actually think I'll be able to enjoy more now, whatever it manifests as. Rather than being stuck in my head and analyzing everything to the point of self torture. 

Also been listening to this theme song while watching the show all day, and I have to say, idk why this song makes me horny but it so does. Lol!


----------



## Ms. Aligned

I was either native american, or part of some other tribe, in a past life. I'm inclined to think native american, since I can't stand society, or any kind of story, or US history at all, except for the Salem witch trials. As a native, that must have been interesting to watch. Serious repulsion to anything "wild west" or pioneer. Organ trail, gold rush, that whole thing I just have a massive dislike and wish I could have explored the US when it was indigenous. Small governments (tribes), etc. The only reason I think it may have been a different tribe is because I find most native american recipes not something I'd choose to eat. Like I'd eat any of the food if it stood alone, but combined, is not really my thing.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

That.....was.....perfect! 

All it took was a little incompatibility to make it perfect all along. Free, easy, zero expectation on either part, 100% in the moment and only the moment. Nothing to over think or analyze. Fucked up that's what it took to get there, but I don't even care. It was worth it. That's all I wanted to begin with.


----------



## Kintsugi

Nothing more dangerous than a lady that knows what she wants 😂


----------



## Kintsugi

Watch out @mimesis found his new Sx S4/5 lady...

I'm not going to hold back this time. Stop projecting your BS onto women that, for some reason, you take a liking/interest to. I think it's probably because you need an object to discharge your disowned shame onto. Not surprisingly that every time you "understand", because...."you were like that once too"...

Right?! 🙄

Predictable.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

I'm an 8. 

Kintsugi, I think you're a doll, but do not.


----------



## mimesis

Ms. Aligned said:


> I like your certainty but I'm not so sure. I struggled with this for a long time until I realized this truth. You are correct though, had I had even the slightest belief that this could have actually gone somewhere, I would have acted differently.


Ofc, you struggled with that feeling deep inside for a long time. We are a social animal, and to be alone has for 10s or 100s thousands of years been more detrimental to our survival than to be eaten by a lion. 

There's different ways of coping with that feeling in the gut. For instance, to tell yourself you didn't want it anyway. Like the grapes are sour. Or weep, hoping someone to come. If that doesn't work amp up the melodrama. Or act out in anger "how dare you forget about me!" For enneatype 4 (resp sp, so, sx) anyway. Dunno about 8. 

But you mean despite resisting it, empirical evidence based on experience made you realize its truth. But that's what I meant with self-fullfilling prophecy. 

For instance, you said you wanted to hang out with him, to have company as to cope with your grief. I belief you wanted that, but that's not how it happened according to your earlier post, in which you asked him to hang out and he didn't immediately responded but was joking around and wanted to know what made you feel icky when you didn't feel like hanging out with him the week before. And that's when you told him a family member died. So that's how I make a difference between what you do and act like, and what you truly desire or felt within, who you really are. I know it's not easy to be vulnerable, esp with fundamental beliefs like this. So this is not about who's to blame, but how it happens, or works. 

Or the romantic fantasy you talked about, hoping the other might have remorse and come back to look for you, but "no one ever does that". So I'm sure you've tried, over and again, but if it's a maladaptive strategy, it doesn't matter how hard one tries. 

And again true vs actual, you are both the one blocking someone out, as well as the one hoping that someone to come back for you, how contradictory it may seem. 

My point being, the result eventually reinforcing fundamental (false) beliefs. Without seeing how the belief conditioned the way of anticipation, which conditioned the outcome, feeding back to reinforcing belief.


----------



## mimesis

I do believe you've struggled with this feeling for a long time, because I actually think the feeling can be lead back to the first heartbreak you experienced in childhood, and have yet to completely heal from. Probably preverbal, which means at an age before we learned to use language to explain our experiences. 

_Attachment-related trauma, occurring early in a child’s life, can have very specific effects on the child’s development and subsequent functioning. When a child experiences early, preverbal trauma, the child is deprived of the ability to use language to organize the experience at a conscious level or integrate necessary neural structures (Siegel, 1999). This has several important implications: First, the child is left with the automatic, unconscious conditioned fear reactions (LeDoux, 1993), whose origins lack a sense of time or context. Second, the effects of trauma interfere with cortical systems of integration of memory into coherent and conscious narrative (Siegel, 1996; Main, 1995, Fonagy, 1996)._

Here's a clip of a recent interview with Gabor Mate, you can skip to 8:35 (til 15:00, a lot of this clip about his new book deals with this issue in a more broader social context).

He happens to give an example of feeling being stood up, very a propos. He also explains that what makes a trauma is not the experience (which we may not even remember), but what we learned from it. (and becoming a fundamental false belief, because we don't yet have the capacity to fully understand or discern). 

E.g. a feeling that later in life translates to "unloveable", or not belonging (point 4 enneagram anyway, which btw can cultivate to more broader feelings of alienation and being uprooted or displaced). 

He also talks about how he struggled with that feeling.


----------



## Kintsugi

Ms. Aligned said:


> I'm an 8.
> 
> Kintsugi, I think you're a doll, but do not.


Okay. Lemme just post this then. It's relevant.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

I'm not watching that, and have to admit I'm a bit irritated now. This isn't my issue, and I don't particularly like being viewed as a potential victim. I've already expressed my views to you, and don't appreciate you pursuing this any further.


----------



## mimesis

Ms. Aligned said:


> I'm not watching that, and have to admit I'm a bit irritated now. This isn't my issue, and I don't particularly like being viewed as a potential victim. I've already expressed my views to you, and don't appreciate you pursuing this any further.


Okay, no hard feelings. 

I'm not victimizing btw. In the example of Gabor's traumatic experience, he wasn't a victim either, and was actually saved from a life threatening situation. But I won't bother you any longer.


----------



## Kintsugi

Ms. Aligned said:


> I'm not watching that, and have to admit I'm a bit irritated now. This isn't my issue, and I don't particularly like being viewed as a potential victim. I've already expressed my views to you, and don't appreciate you pursuing this any further.


I don't think you're a victim. I apologise for getting in your way.

It's true this is between me & him.

He refused to listen to me when I told him that his " advice" made things much worse for me. I tried to reach out to him several times, warning him that his dismissal of trauma & psychological issues were potentially dangerous. I ended up homeless & in a psychiatric ward after a lengthy period discussing my problems with him. He either ignored or patronised me every time I tried to bring this up with him.

I told him then that if I ever saw him trying to do that again to another women, that I'd step in and say something . I fully appreciate that you can't understand my motive for doing so, it's not about pitying you.

Anyway. I've said my piece.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Kintsugi said:


> I don't think you're a victim. I apologise for getting in your way.
> 
> It's true this is between me & him.
> 
> He refused to listen to me when I told him that his " advice" made things much worse for me. I tried to reach out to him several times, warning him that his dismissal of trauma & psychological issues were potentially dangerous. I ended up homeless & in a psychiatric ward after a lengthy period discussing my problems with him. He either ignored or patronised me every time I tried to bring this up with him.
> 
> I told him then that if I ever saw him trying to do that again to another women, that I'd step in and say something . I fully appreciate that you can't understand my motive for doing so, it's not about pitying you.
> 
> Anyway. I've said my piece.


I understand your position, but hope you realize that in a way, taking this stance, you're doing the same thing you're accusing him of. Because you're not listening to me. I don't need protection.


----------



## Kintsugi

Ms. Aligned said:


> I understand your position, but hope you realize that in a way, taking this stance, you're doing the same thing you're accusing him of. Because you're not listening to me. I don't need protection.


No. I disagree. You cannot compare what I have done here with the years of psychological damage he inflicted upon me. I understand what you are saying but this is fundamentally NOT the same thing.

Anyway, it doesn't matter whether you believe me or not. I've done what I think was the right thing. I even asked my ex for advice who knows about this situation, and she told me to do what I thought was right. And that's what I've done.

Regardless, I've brought attention to the issue. And that's something.


----------



## mimesis

^^ Not even going to report that. 

Sorry to interupt your stream of consciousness, @Ms. Aligned 
Please carry on. Cheers.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Kintsugi said:


> No. I disagree. You cannot compare what I have done here with the years of psychological damage he inflicted upon me. I understand what you are saying but this is fundamentally NOT the same thing.
> 
> Anyway, it doesn't matter whether you believe me or not. I've done what I think was the right thing. I even asked my ex for advice who knows about this situation, and she told me to do what I thought was right. And that's what I've done.
> 
> Regardless, I've brought attention to the issue. And that's something.


If it was just about bringing attention to your concerns, that had already been done. The escalation came off as an attempt to take control of the interaction, and is insulting to me, and my ability to make my own informed choices. Saying, oh he found his new Sx4, while it may have been intended as a dig at him, was actually saying, "Oh here is his next victim everyone." You then went on to reference me an an object in some sordid game.

Surely you can see that this is just as much insulting to me as it is to him. I don't like being used as a pawn in other's disagreements.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

I'm in such a shit mood today which is surprising considering I had a really fun night, and landed a job interview today, finally. I also found out I can apply for my old job back, but in a different department. It's going to be up to my old boss though, and I can't imagine she would recommend me since she's the reason I quit to begin with. Just sucks that since quitting, I've been offered 5 interviews there, that I can't take them up on. Seriously after a year of nothing, the second I finally quit, suddenly everyone's all about it. So frustrating. 

Just not feeling very optimistic at the moment. Then again, I'm going off very little sleep because SOMEONE kept me up until 7am again and then I've been doing job shit all day. 

Another reason I'm annoyed, fucking printer ink. I print so rarely that every time I need to, I need new cartridges. Then use it once, and they dry out before I use them again. So each copy is about $50. It's stupid, and I refuse. I suppose it's time to upgrade to one that wasn't purchased 15 years ago....but that doesn't stop my annoyance with everything right now. 

Reminds me of this dude. 






I think I'm finally to the point that I'm starting to get tired of partying and chaos. So lame, but I'm craving a boring old routine again...things have been getting a bit crazier than I'm totally comfortable with lately, so time to take a step back. Think I've finally gotten it out of my system. Last night before I had plans to hang out, I was sitting there bored and restless, looking at the bottle of vodka, and trying to convince myself to drink it, even though I wasn't really feeling it. When you have to pound 3 shots down just so you're drunk enough to want to get more drunk, I think that means it's no longer really doing it for you. 

Honestly the best case scenario is that my old job hires me back but in a different department and with a different supervisor. Since that's the best case scenario, probably means it's also the least likely to happen. 

Perhaps after a good night's sleep things will look a little better. Now that I have an interview lined up, I'm going to quit drinking and smoking for the next few weeks. I'm sure my brain, and liver, are crying at this point. Lol So, that will also probably change some of my perspective too. 🤷‍♀️ 

I do keep thinking back at last night though. I made a really good conscious effort to not appear so overly analytical, and we ended up actually having really good conversations. He gave me so many compliments last night, it was hard to not feel just a tad bit friendly and comfortable around him. All the observations about each other were positive on both ends. I could totally curl up in his shoulder nook right now. Omg, I just realized he makes me feel like a pet. Like the way a dog will curl up to you, cuddle, and be like, "Pet me," I totally feel that way with him. Or at least that's how I'm picturing myself right now. 

What's cool is that I can say all this and express it without the crazy getting in the way now. I am very comfortable with the situation as is right now. 

It's not weird.


----------



## Kintsugi

Ms. Aligned said:


> If it was just about bringing attention to your concerns, that had already been done. The escalation came off as an attempt to take control of the interaction, and is insulting to me, and my ability to make my own informed choices. Saying, oh he found his new Sx4, while it may have been intended as a dig at him, was actually saying, "Oh here is his next victim everyone." You then went on to reference me an an object in some sordid game.
> 
> Surely you can see that this is just as much insulting to me as it is to him. I don't like being used as a pawn in other's disagreements.


You're not a pawn in any game. I've already explained that I was trying to warn you because I've seen the same behaviour & patterns before. In the past I ignored the cautions from others because from my perspective (att) everything seemed pretty harmless. So I'm not even surprised at your anger & frustration towards me tbh. If this were a game I'd be trying to "win" something, yet I have zero interest in this individual besides concern for how his actions may impact others. Please bare in mind that I was the one who eventually ended our interactions & walked away from him.....so this isn't some desperate act to get his attention (although I've heard that one before, trust me).

Anyway, I'm pretty much done here. If anyone wants to report me that's fine, I'll be happy to share my side of the story to mods if necessary. Perhaps that's what I should have done to begin with. I just figured that no one would believe me tbh. Although I suspect that those who have experienced similar things would be understanding.

I do apologise for pissing you off. It wasn't my intention, and I realise that I haven't handled this very well. I still don't regret trying to warn you though, because now hopefully you'll have something to refer back to if things ever did start to feel "off" in any interaction. Believe it or not that's literally all care about.

That's it, I'm done here. Please carry on or whatever.

Edit: Logging out for now & removing myself from this conversation.


----------



## mimesis

Just happening to pop up when I respond to a thread about "smart women great in bed", or something in that line. As if to say "I'm watching you". Ofc I was aware of being lurked on and stalked. And then tend and befriend OP. Very spontaneous. 

I wasn't even hitting up on @Ms. Aligned 
In fact, I hoped it would work out all right with Artie. 

It wasn't even the first time this kind of intervention (perceived flirt) and attempt to defame happened. Say, in better times. Those post have been deleted, even the ones who quoted them, at my request. I had spoken about it with a moderator but said it wasn't necessary to make a case. But maybe deleted files are still cached, who knows. 

You can't share private info on a public forum. But reporting it would feel like acknowledging it. That's why I didn't. Also you can't really control what people say or think about you anyway. 

Anyway, time to move on.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Kintsugi said:


> You're not a pawn in any game. I've already explained that I was trying to warn you because I've seen the same behaviour & patterns before. In the past I ignored the cautions from others because from my perspective (att) everything seemed pretty harmless. So I'm not even surprised at your anger & frustration towards me tbh. If this were a game I'd be trying to "win" something, yet I have zero interest in this individual besides concern for how his actions may impact others. Please bare in mind that I was the one who eventually ended our interactions & walked away from him.....so this isn't some desperate act to get his attention (although I've heard that one before, trust me).
> 
> Anyway, I'm pretty much done here. If anyone wants to report me that's fine, I'll be happy to share my side of the story to mods if necessary. Perhaps that's what I should have done to begin with. I just figured that no one would believe me tbh. Although I suspect that those who have experienced similar things would be understanding.
> 
> I do apologise for pissing you off. It wasn't my intention, and I realise that I haven't handled this very well. I still don't regret trying to warn you though, because now hopefully you'll have something to refer back to if things ever did start to feel "off" in any interaction. Believe it or not that's literally all care about.
> 
> That's it, I'm done here. Please carry on or whatever.
> 
> Edit: Logging out for now & removing myself from this conversation.


Thank you for recognizing this hasn't been handled very well. I can also admit, I was in a pissy ass mood yesterday. I told you, I think you're awesome. I want you to know that it's not a question of whether I believe you or not. It's quite clear you have experienced pain, and want to protect others from it. However, I did try to reassure you multiple times (in private as preferred) that I had no intention of dating anyone on this forum. It was the fact that wasn't good enough, that made me feel like I was being forced into taking a specific position, otherwise the situation would go south, as it has.

That said, I don't take any information in at face value. Nothing is ever going to be internalized until I've done my own research and come to my own conclusions. This means your information is noted, and considered, along with everything else.

I do understand your position though, and I'm sorry you've suffered. 

I don't think you should hide away. It almost seems like you have some form of PTSD, and this situation overwhelmed you until you had to let it manifest into actions, despite being reassured. If that is the case, a support system is important, and if you feel that here, you shouldn't walk away from it, just try to focus on the more positive elements. Feeling like you're still living or experiencing the consequences of your relationship in a negative way, will only compound it.

I'm very patient (sometimes) when I understand someone's suffering, so I'm more than happy to lend an ear and help if there is anyway I can, even if it's just telling you about my own experiences so you can feel confident that I'm not open to the sort of manipulation you've described, or even just that someone else understands. Please don't take this as something you need to escape from, but if you need a moment, I get it too.



mimesis said:


> Just happening to pop up when I respond to a thread about "smart women great in bed", or something in that line. As if to say "I'm watching you". Ofc I was aware of being lurked on and stalked. And then tend and befriend OP. Very spontaneous.
> 
> I wasn't even hitting up on @Ms. Aligned
> In fact, I hoped it would work out all right with Artie.
> 
> It wasn't even the first time this kind of intervention (perceived flirt) and attempt to defame happened. Say, in better times. Those post have been deleted, even the ones who quoted them, at my request. I had spoken about it with a moderator but said it wasn't necessary to make a case. But maybe deleted files are still cached, who knows.
> 
> You can't share private info on a public forum. But reporting it would feel like acknowledging it. That's why I didn't. Also you can't really control what people say or think about you anyway.
> 
> Anyway, time to move on.


I don't know the full history here, but that seems to have been the concern. For the record, I did mentally note that you were encouraging me to get past some of my own issues to make things good with Artie, and did not get the impression you were trying to flirt. Which is why I kept reassuring Kintsugi there was nothing for her to be concerned over.

I'm going to refrain from giving any insight or advice on this topic because you haven't really asked for it, but at this moment, I have seen no personal reason for me to ignore you or not consider your posts. I haven't responded to the last ones because I just wasn't in that headspace yet.





And for everyone else, just as a broad disclaimer. It shouldn't be assumed I'm vulnerable just because of the amount of information I've been sharing. If I felt weak or vulnerable in any way, I wouldn't be posting this stuff at all. It's because I am secure that I'm able to explore the more nutty sides of my personality without allowing it to damage my self confidence, esteem, or psyche. So if anyone thinks it's open season to fuck with me, discretion is advised.

I also have zero desire in getting to know anyone personally, or date anyone on this forum, I like my anonymity here. Not a single one of my posts on here have been drafted with the intention of flirting with anyone. Ever.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Welp, accomplished two things today that I've been putting off because I just didn't feel like it. Getting the shit you don't want to do done, is always the best feeling. 

I also submitted my application for my old job back. It's a bit humiliating to go crawling back, since it will be up to my old boss. That's such a dumb system considering it is absolutely true that people don't quit jobs, they quit management. I can only hope there is some good karma out there that will allow this to go through. I get my last position back, but in a different department which is all I wanted needed in the first place. Perhaps she's reflected on her own behavior, or come to understand the work I was trying to do more now, that she'll have some compassion and realize her contribution in facilitating how things ended up. Shit, I don't care if she understands if she just chooses not to be dick, even if she still hates me. If the roles were reversed, I would allow her the opportunity for professional growth, regardless of my personal feelings about her.

We shall see. 

This is one of those moments where there is nothing else I can really do, but have some faith, hope things work out, and try not to be absolutely crushed if they don't. 

I still have the other interview lined up, but haven't gotten that usual feeling I do when one comes through and I just know, that job is mine. Which it has, with every job I've worked before. So it seems strange, but I'm trying to keep an open mind.


----------



## fading_shadows

Just want to say great blog title.


----------



## Kintsugi

I came back to this forum because I wanted to share my journey and to prove to myself that I wasn't afraid to after everything that happened as a result of my activity here (not just related to this one experience or individual, even though he STILL seems to think everything I do is because of him _sigh_). I actually met my now ex spouse on PersonalityCafe, so coming here to say goodbye was very much a deeply personal exercise related to the ending of that chapter of my life, as it was about anything to do with this incident. 

I'm not going to waste anymore time defending myself from a narrative that is obviously still being clung to. And you are right @Ms. Aligned that I do experience a form of PTSD after what happened, although I wouldn't say that this relationship was the was the root cause of that, more that my interactions with this individual made things much worse for me. And to this day he still refuses to acknowledge the part he played in any of this, and really my MAIN concern here is less about romantic involvement, and more to do with his behaviour of acting as an armchair psychologist and assuming he has some kind of "spiritual insight" into the inner workings of others. THAT is what really troubles me; because it can cause real damage to vulnerable people expressing personal things about themselves on this forum. And I am not the only one who has accused him of this; he has been called out on his tendency to dig up people's historic posts & then use this to manipulate or twist their words to support his narrative.

Thank you for being understanding & hearing me out. It's true that I stepped in to warn you because I definitely saw some parrallels with what happened to me previously, but with hindsight I realise that my actions are definitely more of a trauma response. In a way you could say that in trying to protect you, I was actually also trying to look out for the part of me that was genuinely vulnerable, and who did get hurt by letting their guard down. I cannot stress enough that this isn't about jealousy or anything like that, and I still urge you to take what this person says (his "analysis") with a pinch of salt. I literally could not care less about who he chooses to romance (or not); as I said my concern is to do with his pattern of singling out certain people & using this to justify his personal pseudo- spiritual pet theories related to psychology. I actually find this to be dangerous because he is charming & intelligent - and knows the "lingo" - so it sounds as though he knows what he's talking about.

Anyway. Enough of that.

I'm actually not sure if I'll be returning or posting much here because genuinely I am in the middle of a major life transition, and my attention & focus is needed elsewhere. Not that I have much of that to begin with, lol.

So, no hard feelings or anything ☺


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Kintsugi said:


> I came back to this forum because I wanted to share my journey and to prove to myself that I wasn't afraid to after everything that happened as a result of my activity here (not just related to this one experience or individual, even though he STILL seems to think everything I do is because of him _sigh_). I actually met my now ex spouse on PersonalityCafe, so coming here to say goodbye was very much a deeply personal exercise related to the ending of that chapter of my life, as it was about anything to do with this incident.
> 
> I'm not going to waste anymore time defending myself from a narrative that is obviously still being clung to. And you are right @Ms. Aligned that I do experience a form of PTSD after what happened, although I wouldn't say that this relationship was the was the root cause of that, more that my interactions with this individual made things much worse for me. And to this day he still refuses to acknowledge the part he played in any of this, and really my MAIN concern here is less about romantic involvement, and more to do with his behaviour of acting as an armchair psychologist and assuming he has some kind of "spiritual insight" into the inner workings of others. THAT is what really troubles me; because it can cause real damage to vulnerable people expressing personal things about themselves on this forum. And I am not the only one who has accused him of this; he has been called out on his tendency to dig up people's historic posts & then use this to manipulate or twist their words to support his narrative.
> 
> Thank you for being understanding & hearing me out. It's true that I stepped in to warn you because I definitely saw some parrallels with what happened to me previously, but with hindsight I realise that my actions are definitely more of a trauma response. In a way you could say that in trying to protect you, I was actually also trying to look out for the part of me that was genuinely vulnerable, and who did get hurt by letting their guard down. I cannot stress enough that this isn't about jealousy or anything like that, and I still urge you to take what this person says (his "analysis") with a pinch of salt. I literally could not care less about who he chooses to romance (or not); as I said my concern is to do with his pattern of singling out certain people & using this to justify his personal pseudo- spiritual pet theories related to psychology. I actually find this to be dangerous because he is charming & intelligent - and knows the "lingo" - so it sounds as though he knows what he's talking about.
> 
> Anyway. Enough of that.
> 
> I'm actually not sure if I'll be returning or posting much here because genuinely I am in the middle of a major life transition, and my attention & focus is needed elsewhere. Not that I have much of that to begin with, lol.
> 
> So, no hard feelings or anything ☺


Honestly if I could give you a hug for coming back and posting that, I would. 


Kintsugi said:


> I came back to this forum because I wanted to share my journey and to prove to myself that I wasn't afraid to after everything that happened as a result of my activity here (not just related to this one experience or individual


Yus! Gladiator right there.


----------



## Kintsugi

@mimesis 

I'll keep this brief and to the point...

I'm not interested in interacting with you. I suggest we agree to move on. As far as I'm concerned, my concerns here have been listened to & taken seriously, so I don't have anything else to add.


----------



## Kintsugi

@Ms. Aligned 

Haha, virtual hugs are warmly accepted! ;D


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Kintsugi said:


> @Ms. Aligned
> 
> Haha, virtual hugs are warmly accepted! ;D


Omg, I was looking up hug gifs and meant to post one from Monters Inc. But then saw this, and lmao.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Ugh! I want to smoke weed so bad. 

Paying attention to life sucks ass.


----------



## Ms. Aligned




----------



## Kintsugi

Hey, @Ms. Aligned 

I was just reflecting on our earlier conversations and I realized that two things came up that you commented on - vulnerability and control.

Now of course, I pissed you off (which I totally understand)......but I believe that these things are also related to Enneagram 8 - are they not? And I noticed you mentioned that you self type as 8.....which would make sense!

Anyway, I'm not trying to type you or anything (I'm not confident in that and still have my reservations about how useful Enneagram is). I just thought I'd share that random thought with you, lol


----------



## Kintsugi

Also, I think I read somewhere that body-based 8s can come off as quite sensor-y.....


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Kintsugi said:


> Hey, @Ms. Aligned
> 
> I was just reflecting on our earlier conversations and I realized that two things came up that you commented on - vulnerability and control.
> 
> Now of course, I pissed you off (which I totally understand)......but I believe that these things are also related to Enneagram 8 - are they not? And I noticed you mentioned that you self type as 8.....which would make sense!
> 
> Anyway, I'm not trying to type you or anything (I'm not confident in that and still have my reservations about how useful Enneagram is). I just thought I'd share that random thought with you, lol


The irony has not escaped me either. 

I've done a lot of work to try to minimize the negative aspects of being an 8, but every now and then it rears its ugly head. I could almost feel it bubbling to the surface. Lol!


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Woke up this morning with this song stuck in my head. Lol, haven't listened to this in years. Random.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Haha! Totally bumping this right now, and I just remembered Shameless' post about morning people.


----------



## CanaryBat

Ms. Aligned said:


> So I've been seeing a therapist for approx 6 months now, and he finally gave me a diagnosis...
> 
> Mouth agape when he said it to me....
> 
> "I actually don't think you are depressed...I think you just have a lot of issues..."
> 
> I was shocked....how could he not think I was depressed?
> 
> Instead he said, "I think you're a highly sensitive person and that you lack self esteem."
> 
> I'm like, "Hun, there is nothing sensitive about me...Doc, I'm an INTJ....," I thought but didn't say out loud.
> 
> But then I remember watching some video where a hyena escaped a lion's death grip, and how it brought me to tears. How the January 6th footage, brought me to tears. How anytime I see anything and/or anyone suffering, it brings me to tears. How I almost threw up when I accidentally stepped on a bug and could head it crunch underneath my foot.....
> 
> Jesus christ, I'm a fucking feeler.


Isn't that how it goes with the INTJs? You guys are feely, you just don't know it. You're sort of INFJ-lite, if you'll excuse me, I mean that as a, er compliment. (I'm in angel dress now, so it has to be my good but obnoxious side coming out). But, seriously, INTJ, I think, nice for sure, but not focused on their feelings.


----------



## Kintsugi

Ms. Aligned said:


> The irony has not escaped me either.
> 
> I've done a lot of work to try to minimize the negative aspects of being an 8, but every now and then it rears its ugly head. I could almost feel it bubbling to the surface. Lol!


I was actually just thinking that if you are an 8.....you come across as a very self aware one!

I don't hold it against you at all for feeling the stress in that moment.....I totally did too, lol. With regards Enneagram, all I know is that I'm some kind of "attachment type" (specifically 9 or 6). A lot of ppl peg me as a 6, but sometimes I wonder if what they are seeing are just manifestations of my trauma history/PTSD. For me personally, it was only after seriously exploring & considering type 9 that I started to have mini "revelations" about myself that were (deeper) & more than just surface level observations based on behaviour

Gotta love the comedy factor of me trying to protect an 8 though, hehe xD


----------



## Ms. Aligned

CanaryBat said:


> Isn't that how it goes with the INTJs? You guys are feely, you just don't know it. You're sort of INFJ-lite, if you'll excuse me, I mean that as a, er compliment. (I'm in angel dress now, so it has to be my good but obnoxious side coming out). But, seriously, INTJ, I think, nice for sure, but not focused on their feelings.


Pretty much, the feedback loop starts early for us with people telling us there is something emotionally wrong so you just decide they're all dumb to begin with. It almost feels like a....what's the word I'm looking for....it almost feels like a betrayal to the self later on when you realize, dude, I actually have a shit load of feelings. Lol! Who ME?

One of those "if a tree falls" scenarios.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Kintsugi said:


> I was actually just thinking that if you are an 8.....you come across as a very self aware one!
> 
> I don't hold it against you at all for feeling the stress in that moment.....I totally did too, lol. With regards Enneagram, all I know is that I'm some kind of "attachment type" (specifically 9 or 6). A lot of ppl peg me as a 6, but sometimes I wonder if what they are seeing are just manifestations of my trauma history/PTSD. For me personally, it was only after seriously exploring & considering type 9 that I started to have mini "revelations" about myself that were (deeper) & more than just surface level observations based on behaviour
> 
> Gotta love the comedy factor of me trying to protect an 8 though, hehe xD


Nice! Yes, when you know, shit starts to connect and suddenly all your experiences make sense. I'll have to read the type 9 description again. I'm only familiar with 8, 5, 1, and now 4. Forgot what the others were about. Lol, when I first learned about enneagram, I typed myself as an 8w1, and then people told me it didn't work that way. I was like, Idc, that's what I am. Lol!

I think since then I've been typed as a w7. Not entirely familiar with what that means. Going to read now.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Oh, you guys are the nice people!

Some background music while reading this. 






It feels like a Boston day.


----------



## Kintsugi

Ms. Aligned said:


> Nice! Yes, when you know, shit starts to connect and suddenly all your experiences make sense. I'll have to read the type 9 description again. I'm only familiar with 8, 5, 1, and now 4. Forgot what the others were about. Lol, when I first learned about enneagram, I typed myself as an 8w1, and then people told me it didn't work that way. I was like, Idc, that's what I am. Lol!
> 
> I think since then I've been typed as a w7. Not entirely familiar with what that means. Going to read now.


I feel like that response is very 8ish 

The best mates I ever had were 7w8, and even though this it isn't core 8; there is just something so "concrete" and "give a shit" about those Enneagram types that I personally adore, haha. It might explain why I enjoyed reading your posts in the first place....to me it's very refreshing!

Anyway, I'm by no means an expert or anything. I just though I'd share my random thoughts to see if got you excited...something to bounce off 😄 I struggle to see you as an image type when you are so obviously driven by your gut....and lust.....and just general enjoyment of the plasures of life. It just seems very 7/8.....


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Being a 9 sounds stressful. Lol

Dude, idk why I'm in such a good mood this morning. I think my little detox kit is working. 






I gotta go do something productive with this energy.


----------



## Kintsugi

@Ms. Aligned 

Carpe diem, girl

go for it 😁


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Omg, nope nope nope nope NOPE! _icky chills_

See my dog randomly sniffing at the ground and am like wtf? I don't see anything, at all. But then suddenly I detect movement. It's a spider!

Ran to get the raid, and killed that fucker. It was fucking huge and see through with BIG ASS pincers and a huge ass. I've never seen something quite like it. I almost (without glasses on) thought it was a baby scorpion or something. Looked it up and it was a brown recluse.

Lucky my dog didn't get bit since she was fucking around with it.

Now I'm looking at every little speck thinking it's a spider. Lol

I've allowed pet spiders to hang at my place before, or I'll try to transport them outside, but something about that thing just creeped me the fuck out. Lol

The praying mantis, the fucking recluse. It's like fucking Jumanji at my house.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

mimesis said:


> Ofc, you struggled with that feeling deep inside for a long time. We are a social animal, and to be alone has for 10s or 100s thousands of years been more detrimental to our survival than to be eaten by a lion.
> 
> There's different ways of coping with that feeling in the gut. For instance, to tell yourself you didn't want it anyway. Like the grapes are sour. Or weep, hoping someone to come. If that doesn't work amp up the melodrama. Or act out in anger "how dare you forget about me!" For enneatype 4 (resp sp, so, sx) anyway. Dunno about 8.
> 
> But you mean despite resisting it, empirical evidence based on experience made you realize its truth. But that's what I meant with self-fullfilling prophecy.
> 
> For instance, you said you wanted to hang out with him, to have company as to cope with your grief. I belief you wanted that, but that's not how it happened according to your earlier post, in which you asked him to hang out and he didn't immediately responded but was joking around and wanted to know what made you feel icky when you didn't feel like hanging out with him the week before. And that's when you told him a family member died. So that's how I make a difference between what you do and act like, and what you truly desire or felt within, who you really are. I know it's not easy to be vulnerable, esp with fundamental beliefs like this. So this is not about who's to blame, but how it happens, or works.
> 
> Or the romantic fantasy you talked about, hoping the other might have remorse and come back to look for you, but "no one ever does that". So I'm sure you've tried, over and again, but if it's a maladaptive strategy, it doesn't matter how hard one tries.
> 
> And again true vs actual, you are both the one blocking someone out, as well as the one hoping that someone to come back for you, how contradictory it may seem.
> 
> My point being, the result eventually reinforcing fundamental (false) beliefs. Without seeing how the belief conditioned the way of anticipation, which conditioned the outcome, feeding back to reinforcing belief.





mimesis said:


> I do believe you've struggled with this feeling for a long time, because I actually think the feeling can be lead back to the first heartbreak you experienced in childhood, and have yet to completely heal from. Probably preverbal, which means at an age before we learned to use language to explain our experiences.
> 
> _Attachment-related trauma, occurring early in a child’s life, can have very specific effects on the child’s development and subsequent functioning. When a child experiences early, preverbal trauma, the child is deprived of the ability to use language to organize the experience at a conscious level or integrate necessary neural structures (Siegel, 1999). This has several important implications: First, the child is left with the automatic, unconscious conditioned fear reactions (LeDoux, 1993), whose origins lack a sense of time or context. Second, the effects of trauma interfere with cortical systems of integration of memory into coherent and conscious narrative (Siegel, 1996; Main, 1995, Fonagy, 1996)._
> 
> Here's a clip of a recent interview with Gabor Mate, you can skip to 8:35 (til 15:00, a lot of this clip about his new book deals with this issue in a more broader social context).
> 
> He happens to give an example of feeling being stood up, very a propos. He also explains that what makes a trauma is not the experience (which we may not even remember), but what we learned from it. (and becoming a fundamental false belief, because we don't yet have the capacity to fully understand or discern).
> 
> E.g. a feeling that later in life translates to "unloveable", or not belonging (point 4 enneagram anyway, which btw can cultivate to more broader feelings of alienation and being uprooted or displaced).
> 
> He also talks about how he struggled with that feeling.


So that was an interesting read/watch. I've recognized trauma in myself for a long time now, and have spent what I would say is most of my life trying to work through it, with very little success. Because at least part of my trauma is related to social/romantic interactions, every failed attempt to fix it that fails, ends up adding to the problem. So for example, I "cocoon" and work on myself. Then I think I've made progress, so I try myself out, and gain the feedback that there is still something just fundamentally wrong with me as a person. 

I don't believe this. I believe that others wholeheartedly do though, because they love to tell me. I'm actually content with the amount I've worked on myself, but it has gotten to the point that it's an exhaustive process with very little gains because I can't change the hearts and opinions of others. I can only control myself. 

That video was interesting because about 5 years ago I had a severe life threatening medical issue that was completely bizarre for my demographic. It was something you would have expected to see in a much much older and unhealthier individual, and was attributed to stress. And it was that transformation that kind of really solidified the idea that I have to stop trying. For my own sake. It was then that I really did start to feel the peace of acknowledgement that I am just not someone other's are going to understand, much less, ever learn to love. Not unless I deny myself and turn myself into someone else completely. And I guess the decision was, what's more important? My sense of self, or other's approval, and I chose me. 

I'm willing to work hard to change behaviors but I won't deny the core part of myself, which is what everyone seems to dislike. And even when I've tried (because I have), there is only so long that I can keep up the charade, before something happens to reveal my true self which is met with immediate discontent from others. 

People like me when I shut up and minimize my existence. If I keep my head down and assist others, I'm fine, if I have a need of my own, I'm either an asshole or a burden. 

I was actually talking to my therapist about this belief of mine, and he agreed with me (or seemed to) when I said, some people just aren't meant to be understood, or connected with, and that I'd just accepted it. Incidentally, when I was younger, I actually wanted to be a nun, so the idea of being the solitary philosopher, or student of life, has always been calling to me in one way or another....Perhaps I wouldn't be able to have the perspective I do, if I were focused on yet another person, or the aspects of a relationship. 

I've been thinking about what is going to happen between Artie and I now that I've quit drinking and smoking until I'm employed again. Idk that I have it in me to hang out while sober, and be hyper aware of...all the ways people usually show me they dislike me. I've even thought about not hanging out with him at all, until after I get a job again. 

In this, you are correct that I am the one holding back from any real intimacy. But I'm not peeking my head out, just to have the same experience again. I don't need to learn more about what's wrong with me from someone I care for. It's like that saying, I think it's a saying, or maybe it's just something I've said, that the only time I feel alone is in a room full of people. Or in front of someone I care about. 

Idk this all sounds whiney and very poor me, but it's really not. I've realized I do have a meaning and purpose in life, even if it doesn't involve connecting with others. Do I occasionally crave it? Yes. Do I sometimes wish that weren't the case? Yes. Am I willing to change myself anymore to acquire it? No. 

So, I guess I should stop complaining. I think I just talked myself into acceptance of being alone again. I think because of the physical connection with Artie and our conversations, I had dared to think about the what ifs of relationships again. But, if I remove our leopard slug mating from the equation and I just look at what's left of intimacy and relationships, I just think to myself, "No, Ms. Aligned...." Not this one either, not now, and not again. If Artie hadn't said all those things that one night, I likely would have remained crazy, and extremely uncomfortable, until he finally did. I was trying really hard to be comfortable with the idea too, but I just can't anymore.


----------



## CanaryBat

Ms. Aligned said:


> I'm willing to work hard to change behaviors but I won't deny the core part of myself, which is what everyone seems to dislike. And even when I've tried (because I have), there is only so long that I can keep up the charade, before something happens to reveal my true self which is met with immediate discontent from others.
> 
> People like me when I shut up and minimize my existence. If I keep my head down and assist others, I'm fine, if I have a need of my own, I'm either an asshole or a burden.
> 
> I was actually talking to my therapist about this belief of mine, and he agreed with me (or seemed to) when I said, some people just aren't meant to be understood, or connected with, and that I'd just accepted it. Incidentally, when I was younger,


You are worth connecting with. You are worth understanding. Just because you aren't understood right now and you don't feel connected right now doesn't mean you don't deserve it or that there's something wrong with you or that you're too different.

It is true that there are many people who can bond over the most mundane things and then there are those who have a harder time, and some of us, including me, have trauma to cope with. Don't let anyone tell you that it makes you a lesser person. And they will tell you that out of ignorance. The truth is that the non-traumatized have picked up just as much baggage but are less aware of it. What they reject is our awareness. Tell them that. Tell them that they are just as crazy as you are; because, think about it, they are just as crazy, only they don't know it. If you think about that, you will find that it's absolutely true.


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## Ms. Aligned

CanaryBat said:


> You are worth connecting with. You are worth understanding. Just because you aren't understood right now and you don't feel connected right now doesn't mean you don't deserve it or that there's something wrong with you or that you're too different.
> 
> It is true that there are many people who can bond over the most mundane things and then there are those who have a harder time, and some of us, including me, have trauma to cope with. Don't let anyone tell you that it makes you a lesser person. And they will tell you that out of ignorance. The truth is that the non-traumatized have picked up just as much baggage but are less aware of it. What they reject is our awareness. Tell them that. Tell them that they are just as crazy as you are; because, think about it, they are just as crazy, only they don't know it. If you think about that, you will find that it's absolutely true


The irony is that I usually end up helping the person I'm dating work through their's and then they go on to have serious relationships or marry the person after me. With the exception of one of them. Lol. 

I do feel like I have a sense of purpose in that way. Whether you want to believe people are brought into my life by some higher power, or it's just that my personality seems to attract people who are in specific transitional places in their life, it's hard to deny the pattern of acting as a stepping stone. 

Did that for a long time, and unfortunately that meant taking on some extra baggage of my own. Now my theme song is:






Lol. 


On a side note, I love cleaning out my tabs after I've been drinking. I find the most bizarre shit in there that I can't remember the source of. Also, I should have waited until after today to quit drinking because I forgot I was supposed to go to the bar to see if anyone wanted their drugs back. 

Maybe one more night, for the road. Maybe one last hurrah with Artie before going cold turkey for a while? I haven't decided yet. I could just not go to the bar, but am not holding onto that shit for another week. I guess I don't have to decide this second.


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## Ms. Aligned

This morning I fell back asleep for a little cat nap and had this dream. 

I was hanging out with Artie but for some reason I knew it was our last time hanging out. Also for some reason I was snowboarding on a half pipe alone, and was going slow because it's been decades since I've been. Suddenly this group of young kids were standing on the side waiting to see me take a crack at it, and I just stepped out my bindings and walked away. Then they stayed but were watching cars driving down the icy road doing stupid things that were going to make them crash, or spin out, and mocking them. 

Anyway, so I'm hanging out with Artie and we're with my family for some reason. I'm kind of estranged from the fam, so I'm uncomfortable, and just kind of sticking close to him, which was comfortable. It was a 2 day outing, a family get together with all the kids, aunts, uncles, cousins and stuff. Like we had rented a some rooms of a hotel and everyone was hanging out. Anyway, towards the last night, I started getting tired, and asked if he wanted to "hang out" one last time, if you know what I mean... He told me his ex girlfriend, Donna (idk if he even has an ex girlfriend named Donna but guess who did? My ex husband), had text him and hit him up to hang out. I said, "Oh, do you want to go there instead?" He didn't really say no, and just brushed off the question. "Let's go to bed." "K."

At this point, I get a text message from a random number and it says, "You there, where you at?" I didn't know who it was from and just ignored it. Well we get into bed and the second I laid down, I fell asleep. When I woke up, I was alone in bed. I walked around trying to find him through a crowd of people hanging out and joking around, but he was gone. I was trying to text him, "You just left? Without saying anything?" No response. I'm thinking just get home, because I felt like a loser so I'm walking through everyone and looking for my stuff. I keep looking at the other text and trying to figure out who sent it. Finally I responded, "Who dis?" And then I woke up. 

There was also a part where we were at the house and the drapes were open, and dangerous people were outside. Everyone was freaking out and I was like, "Dude, just close the drape." And a part where I was feeding a pet half dog half snake peanut butter pretzels, and lots of swimming. Also at one point I got a gift from someone, and it was a candle but I didn't read the instructions all the way. It was a candle sitting on top of a tropical, toilet shaped water cooler, that was meant to look ambient, but then you lift the seat up and you can pull out a cold beer. Lol! 

Oh, brains....what am I going to do with you? 🤣


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## Ms. Aligned

Interesting topic. I read Orchid's new thread and watched the video, but wanted to do a personal analysis so I'm posting here.

I can see how I have stereotypical behavior that fits the manifestation of daddy issues, which is funny because my father is probably the man in my life I've had the most love and respect for. He was a kind, gentle, ridiculously smart, and capable man. My favorite memories of him are how masculine and supportive he was. How unafraid he was to show his true feelings. Like, every time he watched us kids do anything (say...a ballet recital) he would ignore everyone else, reading a book, or watching his hand held TV, but the second we came on, he dropped everything and would bawl like a baby watching us. Omg, I'm starting to tear up right now just thinking about him.

<3 Dad. I miss you. Okay now I am crying. Shit. I think this detox kit I'm trying out is making me emo. Lol

He wasn't a perfect man by any means, but even in his imperfections he handled himself with dignity and honor. If anything, and through no fault of his own, he probably jacked up my expectations of men into what seems like an impossible standard. No one is ever intelligent enough, kind enough, strong enough, open enough, secure enough within themselves to embrace my idea of masculinity.

The macho guy thinks being strong is not being kind or feeling. The kind man, lacks the enforcing strength. The intelligent one lacks the humility, etc. This makes every man, somewhat of a disappointment. Shit, he makes me disappointed in myself. And like the video, I inspired to be more like him. Stronger, smarter, more independent. I give gave myself freely, to show it can be done and hope others take my lead and chose to give themselves freely and without inhibition as well. But there were always road blocks in personal development that left me feeling like something was missing. I too have my own road blocks, and so it always felt like trying to fit two random pieces of a puzzle together. Picks a piece and tries it, "No!," tosses it over shoulder, and picks up next piece. "No!" *tosses it over shoulder.

The men who overtly presented as someone as well rounded as my father, were usually narcissists, but it wasn't immediately observable. :/ I don't think I need to go into detail about how these people can effect you in a relationship when they start projecting their insecurities onto others.

I think this is part of the reason I've always helped the people I've dated grow in some way. Because I know what a whole man looks like, and the gaps in their development, which I naturally try to draw out to help them achieve a more balanced nature, especially if it's a source of discomfort to them.

For example, Artie has some daddy issues. And I subtly, (and unconsciously until I just noticed it btw), tell stories about my own dad. How he made me feel, and the personal strength he gave me so he knows what it looks like. If he wanted to incorporate those traits within himself, he knows how to identify it, and what to work on. How to take control of his own experience. I also have told him about compassion, and how parents aren't perfect and make bad decisions sometimes. How everyone just does the best they can with the tools given, and until the story is over, it's never really over, because people can still learn and grow. This is all just in normal conversation, but the seeds are planted.

When my dad was alive I told him I'd typed him INTP. Didn't realize he was familiar with the test and he corrected me that he was an ENTP. I've never met another damn ENTP like him in my life.

There should be way more people like him in this world.

Hahaha! I just thought, Jesus, the men I've actually dated are like the student/master relationship. At first they're drawn to me because I have some characteristic they admire and they feel insecure about. Then, I teach them, and they grow. Finally they challenge me and turn it back on me, and I'm like, "Meh, I'm good with myself." And they're like, "Fuck you, no you're not! You're this, this, this, this, and this! And I am better than you!" "Rude..."

I think that's why Artie has kept me interested for so long. His solid sense of identity is something I find very attractive, even if it doesn't always work out in my favor.

Edit: At my father's funeral they made this thing where photos of him played to music. And even the most respected people in my family looked at in and were talking. "Those are all candid pictures too, that's just honestly who he was as a person. Wow...a good man. A very good man...." Everyone respected him.


----------



## CanaryBat

I'm sorry you lost your father. He sounds like a wonderful man.


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## Ms. Aligned

CanaryBat said:


> I'm sorry you lost your father. He sounds like a wonderful man.


...Thank you.

It's been about three years now, so I'm good. Just crazy how it still sneaks up on you from time to time.


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## CanaryBat

Ms. Aligned said:


> ...Thank you.
> 
> It's been about two years now, so I'm good. Just crazy how it still sneaks up on you from time to time.


Grief is the toughest thing.


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## Ms. Aligned

Yeah, I just remembered how my mom said she married him because he reminded her of Hoss from Bonanza. And I think that character was often referred to as "the gentle giant". Lol! 






OMG that video is making me cry and it isn't even my dad! LMAO! It has to be this detox. Lolol! 

Jesus,. lol! He does have the same vibe.


----------



## Kintsugi

I was just reading your post and it occured to me; you got married and had your babies fairly young?


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## Ms. Aligned

Kintsugi said:


> I was just reading your post and it occured to me; you got married and had your babies fairly young?


I suppose by today's standards. I met my ex husband when I was 20.


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## Ms. Aligned

Omg, So last night I had the weirdest dream.

In the dream I transformed into a small dot of bright white light and was surrounded by a comfortable darkness. Like it was just me, the white dot, and complete darkness around me. But it wasn't scary, it was comfortable. Suddenly, I understood EVERYTHING, and had this major understanding about life and humanity come to me. It's like I saw everything, and everything was....exactly in its place, and I understood why.

I woke up last night and was going to immediately journal it, but then thought, "There is no way I'm forgetting this, it's late, just do it in the morning." This morning, I can't remember a single part of it. No matter how hard I try, it's just gone.

Wtf, BRAIN!


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## Ms. Aligned

Aight, I'm not following my own rules. No more posting until I have all my shit done, and considering my motivation level today. That might be a while.


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## Ms. Aligned

Why am I having so much difficulty with self discipline lately...I'm starting to think this isn't a phase..

Anyway, a good online friend of mine that I've known since 2006 (?), 07 (?)...damn approaching 20 years, reached out to me recently out of the blue. We haven't spoken for quite some time. This dude is super cool. He used to self type ENTJ, but don't know if he still does or is into MBTI really at all anymore. He also has a degree in Philosophy, is super smart, and always wanted to be a writer.

He sent me the first chapter of a script he's been working on, and asked me to read it and provide critique. It's super interesting! BUT, there is a quote in there that really stood out to me. I so want to share it to discuss, or simply make it my signature on this forum, but I feel like that would be a breach of confidentiality.

I hope the story goes somewhere. It has good bones.

On another note, I was looking through an old thread about INTJs that appeared at the bottom of the screen and this is a post from back in 2010, and it states exactly what I think I was trying to express in the Crazy Women in Bed thread. Very well stated.



Maveri said:


> Dirty? sex is not dirty, it's a necessary function and in the light of INTJ's, it's something to be perfected 👅
> 
> I do plenty of things that are beyond what many would consider normal - not because it's perversion but because an INTJ's drive is to perfect a system and to create the ultimate map so as to reproduce all the elements and to understand it. An INTJ wants to find the ultimate sex technique and for that they must explore all possibilities and then proceed to take those learning's and apply them to others to see if the process can be repeated and thus prove it's validity.
> 
> We have little boundaries that hold us back and formal social boundaries and rules mean stuff-all to us so we are free in that sense to explore past the point that many would consider a boundary but we do so not for the sake of perversion or to experience a new high for ourselves but to fully explore every possibility so-as to understand it and to create the ultimate model in our heads as to what sex really is all about.
> 
> I'm a lucky devil really - my partner is an ISFJ and despite all the things that we are opposite in (and that grate on me) they perform the dutiful servitude role perfectly which allow me the freedom to take sex way beyond the typical boring ho-hum sex for pleasure / sex for reproduction limitations.
> 
> So, in summary, sex to an INTJ isn't dirty, it's something else to be explored, mapped out and perfected so-as to be fully understood (and enjoyed in the process) and reproduced again and again to prove to ourselves that we know sex inside out and backwards. I for one am enjoying the learning process lol


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## Ms. Aligned

Lol, life goals


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## Ms. Aligned

I'm going out. If she wants to fight me, fine. I'll take the punches. I hope she doesn't but either way...That's just life lol


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## Ms. Aligned




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## Ms. Aligned




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## Ms. Aligned




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## Ms. Aligned

Okay so when I die I want a straight up funeral procession. To ave maria, and then going into the saints. 

Then put me on a boat and send it on fire, like the bad ass bitch I am. Lol


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## Ms. Aligned

Our shadows taller than our souls


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## Ms. Aligned




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## Ms. Aligned

If I'm being perfectly honest, I went out last night because I hoped there was someone out there that wanted to kick my ass. I actually felt like getting beaten up, or into a fight at least.

Ugh...Instead of life goals, #newlows. Lol


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## Ms. Aligned

Matt Spencer is, by far, the absolute best character on Avenue 5.
















Online has the character typed as an ENTP, but no way. It has to be an NF, because I get the urge to throw a Pokeball. And, I only get those with NFs.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

I've been watching Bachelor in Paradise. Don't judge me, it's one of those things that happened because of the pandemic. I was out of TV shows to watch and Hulu autoplay did me dirty.

Anyway, there is this guy Logan on there, who reminds me of Artie, a lot. Same mannerisms, attitude. I'm trying to pinpoint what it is. Almost like a physical discipline, and I feel like I can see his intelligence in every expression, word, movement. It's funny because he's pissed off 2 bachelorettes and 3 women so far on this show, but I don't think he's really done anything wrong...They're saying he's a major player.

Okay first bachelorette switch, he was kind of a dick, but in the edit it showed he was struggling with the idea, and trying to find the right timing, but it kept getting pushed back. 2nd one, he got covid and had to leave the show, that's hardly his fault. Then with this most recent girl, Kate, she's just not appreciating his subtlety, so he wanted to go for the other girl and didn't. That's not going to end well.

Anyway, I'm trying to type him too and can't. Which is frustrating because then I could type Artie by proxy.

It's just funny that he's pissing all the girls off, and he's just clueless, but trying to be understanding or the good guy, and it's coming off as manipulative, or controlling. And he has no idea why. Lol! Watching from the outside in though is fascinating, because everything is so obvious. He's not some big player, he's just simple. Ridiculously simple, in such a brilliant/intentional way.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Goddamn it!

I had today all planned. I was up, cleaned nice including washing bedding. Looked nice because I had a job interview and even put on some make up for it. Not a lot, but more than the zero I usually wear. The fam was supposed to be out of town tonight, so I hit up Artie to see if he wanted to come over. It would be nice to hang out without having to worry about keeping our voices down or whatever. But then noooo......

Out of the blue everyone came home early. I'm not talking to them so I don't know why.

But goddamn it, can't I get ONE freaking night to myself....ever?!?!












Edit: Damn it, I'm really annoyed now. Totally ruined my whole mood. I was looking forward to, for once, just being alone and doing something I wanted to do without feeling like I'm surrounded by a den of spiders who observe and condem my very existence, much less choices, with their ridiculous amount of eyes per entity! 

Told Artie about it, he probably won't even come over now since he was actually going to make an effort to get off work early to appreciate this rare adulting moment with me.

My god, my independence is suffocating right now. It needs to BREATHE before I become crushed under the weight of its longing.

_kicks a puppy_


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Omg, I just weird text Artie! LMAO! Zero fucks! Right now.... 

Omg, this is actually one of the best things ever. Pew pew pew!


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Yeah, there is no coming back from this, but goddamn it's fun.


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## Ms. Aligned

Woke up this morning pissed the fuck off for some reason.


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## Ms. Aligned

Oh right. Last night Artie said a bunch of things that he could have only known if he had read my posts here.

The night before last, that we hung out, he walked in and my computer was connected to my dual monitors, and PC was pulled up on the screen. I tried to hide it quickly, but thought I saw some kind of recognition/surprise in his eyes as he looked at the screen. I hoped I had exited fast enough. Probably not.

Well that's the end of that. Because there is no way in hell I'm casually fucking a dude who's read my "diary" so to speak.

And now I'm just angry at everything. Sigh.

Edit: I should add, Artie did nothing wrong, it's just not happening.


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## Ms. Aligned

Ugh, I was a total dick to Artie this morning. I'm not even sure he read my posts. Don't remember what he was saying that gave me the impression, just that I had the impression. And even if he did, I wouldn't really care. 

More truthfully, I've been having a massive anxiety attack since he left. I'm attributing this to being up since 2am yesterday because I couldn't sleep because I was nervous about my interview. Then, the massive amounts of caffeine I had to counter that, and then a lot of whiskey. I don't usually drink just whiskey, but that is exactly what happened yesterday, until I switched to vodka at the end of the night. I also didn't eat anything all day. 

Then on top of it. I realized that the more emotional I was in bed, rather than just doing it, the more he was enjoying it. And I freaked the fuck out at that for some reason, because it felt like feelings. I also let him take a picture of me yesterday. So I'm idk...what do I do? 

Basically, cuss him out this morning and tell him to fuck off. 

I sent him an apology text for lashing out and explained I have been having massive anxiety today. I feel better, at least he knows that was out of character, and I recognized, not very fair. Idk, if someone did that to me, I wouldn't be very forgiving. I'd see that as a major red flag, and be like wtf?


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## Ms. Aligned

I feel so much better now after a good night's sleep. I should have taken Artie up on his offer for a rain check after things went south the other day and I ended up in a bad mood. Instead, in my drunken state, I did my 8 thing, and pushed forward to make it happen (just to prove I still could) rather than adapting to the situation. He never responded to my apology text. Though, to be fair, I didn't really expect him to. Is what it is, no sense in beating myself up over it now. 

On a side note, the Tanya McQuoid character in The White Lotus, is one of the most insufferable versions of an unhealthy ESFP I have ever seen depicted in media. Even when I feel bad for the character, I still extremely dislike it. Shout out to Jennifer Coolidge though for playing the part so perfectly that it's absolutely rage inducing. I'm sure that's exactly as the character was written. 

When she made her assistant stay in her hotel room for emotional support and read a magazine while she took a nap because she was depressed, I was like, "Omg, dude just walk out. Walk out and tell her to go F herself." Lol!


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Baaahahah! My window is open and I can hear my neighbor outside trying to quietly bark back at her dogs. Like as if she's responding and talking to them. I was like, lol! She sounds like an idiot, then it quickly flashed through my mind how many times I've done the same exact thing, and for much longer durations.


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## Ms. Aligned

Dave Chappelle is such a skilled comedian. It's amazing how he can retain his controversy by tackling a subject from so many angles that most people can not only agree with at least a few of them, but find them hilarious.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Woke up this morning with this song stuck in my head:






Apparently my asshole brain is like:



* *
















What a fickle whore. My response to my brain:



* *















No captions needed.


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## Ms. Aligned

Huh, no.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

This shit is breaking my heart. My kid wanted to do it on their own, and yes, the most definitely did IT!. I've been waiting for weeks to see when you suddenly realize this isn't an upgrade.


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## Ms. Aligned




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## Ms. Aligned




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## Ms. Aligned

Aight self containing myself here, as I am clearly intoxicated. MOAR MUSIC!


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## Gamine

Ms. Aligned said:


> Aight self containing myself here, as I am clearly intoxicated. MOAR MUSIC!






Some of my worst most mixed up posts come from that.


----------



## Gamine

original


----------



## Gamine

.


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## Gamine

/


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## Ms. Aligned

Omg, Inside Job on Netflix is freaking hilarious. I am totally loving Reagan's new love interest. Lol. Idk why it reminds me of Artie and I. 

I need to get over that....But right now it's fun to associate that, because it makes the show funnier to me.


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## Ms. Aligned

OMG!!!!!! I just JUST saw another email for an interview, it was in my spam folder and from 2 days ago! That fucking job search website actually fucked up the entire algorithm of my inbox.

Gah!!!! On a side note, woohoo another interview!


----------



## Ms. Aligned

I missed my dad's funeverasry? Idk why I thought it was the 19th, or the 21st, or the 23rd. I was going to post some shit about myself because I thought I filed it after last year (couldn't immediately find it), but I didn't. I found his death card. 

On Eagles Wings

You who dwell in the shelter of the Lord. 
Who abide in His shadow for life;
Say to the lord, "My refuge....
My rock in whom I trust."

And he will raise you up on eagle's wings,
Bear you on the breath of dawn,
Make you to shine like the sun,
And hold you in the palm of his hand. 

The snare of the fowler, will never capture you,
and famine, will bring you no fear. 
Under his wings your refuge;
His faithfulness your shield. 

And he will raise you up on eagle's wings,
Bear you on the breath of dawn,
Make you to shine like the sun,
And hold you in the palm of his hand. 

You need not fear the terror of the night, 
Nor the arrow that flies by day,
Though thousands fall about you,
Near you shall not come. 



I can't believe I missed it. I think I felt it though, regardless. <3 Suddenly things make sense. Lol.


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## Ms. Aligned

Sometimes I think I'm just an old star, supernovae-ing...






Then I remember....I smoked weed! Woot!


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## Ms. Aligned




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## Ms. Aligned




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## Kintsugi

@Ms. Aligned 

Gonna take me a while to read through your posts, lol

Hope you are doing well, dude. Love 💟

P.S - I was listening to a Podcast this week and the music they used was awesome. I kept thinking that you'd like it. If I remember, I'll share some of it with you ^_^


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## Ms. Aligned

Sigh, it's been about a week since Artie and I spoke, and he still hasn't responded to my sorry text. I know he's not going to, but this is usually about the time he would reach out, so my mind is playing tricks on me. Thinking about the possibility that he might. It's taking me everything right now, not to reach out and just ask him for a closure text. Like wish me a nice life or something, because waiting for something to not happen is mental torture, and time is a fickle whore. 

Milo hit me up last night and I was quite rude with him as well. Told him point blank, my genitals belong to someone else. That yes, I wanted to cuddle, but only with Artie, not him. Yup, that's just like me, 100% committed, after it's over. Milo just replied, he understood. 

I did not want to catch the feels. Idk if it was the emotional sex, or the fact Artie finally told me he's an ISFP...or the picture...but something after this last time we hung out really made me believe that this could be more than a fantasy or a distraction, and that I actually liked him. That we might actually be compatible....for reals. 

Idk why I get so weird about the possibility of being hurt by someone else. I do it to myself enough that I should be incredibly used to it by now. And if there is anyone I should be angry at, it's me, for being an idiot. About everything. 

Absolutely everything...


----------



## Ms. Aligned

I did it. Why? Because I have no cool. 

I fucking text Artie. I could have just left well enough alone, but no. I text him that I'm crazy and I acknowledge it, but that it's been a week, and I started to wonder if he would be reaching out again, since sometimes he just ignores my crazy and pretends it doesn't happen. I asked him to simply let me know if he didn't think it was the right time for us to be hanging out/talking, or whatever. That I don't want to just wait for something to not happen. 

No response yet, but I did just send it. 

Here's where I'm at. If he responds, and says we're good or he accepts my apology, then I'm going to finally admit (to myself) that I have feelings for him, and am just going to consider us dating. I mean it has been 4 months now, so it's time to stop the push/pull thing, and just accept the fact that I like him, and want him around. 

If he responds and lets me know that it's cool, but he doesn't want to hang out any more, then I'm just going to consider this chapter closed. Fun while it lasted, and no one to blame but myself. 

If he doesn't respond at all....well that's just not cool, but whatever. By tomorrow morning I'll consider no response the response, and just block him to stop myself from embarrassing myself any further. 

One way or another, in the next 24 hours, something is going to happen. This nonsense, "oh I'm so crazy and emotionally stunted," shit has been going on long enough. Time to put on my big girl pants and deal with this like it's a real adult thing instead of some B level romance novel. 

I guess one way or another, that's progress.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Ohhh, a new episode of Avenue 5 is out. I can go hang out with my imaginary boyfriend, Mr. Spencer. 






He's so fucking adorable.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

I can't believe I got a fucking job offer today. My god. When I saw the call come in, I actually got light headed and froze. I had to let it go to voicemail, but then called back right away. 

I'm going to be a nervous wreck until the offer is signed, I pass all the background stuff, and have an actual start date. I really liked the building where it's located too. Most offices are disgusting and dusty, but it was super clean and my allergies didn't kick up once when I was in there. 

I really hope this works out and that nothing screws it up between now and my start date. 

Today is bittersweet. Artie never responded, but I got a job. I suppose this is the universe returning to its natural order. 

Really, really, happy about the job though.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Sigh, sometimes I hate being right. 

Sometimes, to prove you're not the problem, you have to remove yourself from the equation to show the problem still exists independently from you. Still isn't easy to then watch that person struggle, even though you know it's something they'll have to experience for themselves, because clearly, your words weren't enough. 

It is the worst feeling. Such unnecessary suffering.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Welp, Artie never responded. I sent him a final text this morning.

I've been reading the INTJ vent thread, and all the things Moldygargoyle is posting about her friend, and the abusive person who's incapable of loving...It's hard not to read those as if they were written about me, because that's where my mind is already going.

When I take a step back though. I realize how much I over romanticized the situation. If I look at all the times I freaked out, they were times I also felt him preemptively pulling away, and they were knee jerk reactions. Like I was always right on the edge, ready to jump off to protect myself.

And why? Because deep down I knew that despite the feeling I had when we were together, how cared for and connected I felt, those feelings didn't translate further than our once a week sexy times. They weren't real. I was playing with fire the whole time, trying to enjoy as much as possible until the inevitable end, and hoping to jump off before I was devastated by unrequited love.

But also, trying to use this as an opportunity to exercise my "playing it cool" or just being through the uncomfortable feelings of uncertainty. I think I did better this time, used more self awareness. Alas, it was not enough. Maybe next decade.

I will say, he was the perfect person to practice dealing with uncertainty issues, as he most definitely created a lot of them. Many times I felt like I was trying to navigate down a tightrope blindfolded. Just relying on my powers of perception to keep me from falling.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

I am so fucked.


----------



## Kintsugi

Ms. Aligned said:


> I am so fucked.


In what way?


----------



## Kintsugi

Ms. Aligned said:


> I am so fucked.


or are you fucked like this....


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Kintsugi said:


> or are you fucked like this....


Lol, both, and for the same reasons.


----------



## Kintsugi

Ms. Aligned said:


> Lol, both, and for the same reasons.







lmao 

_*"If you're alone and you need a friend, someone to help you forget your problems.."*_


----------



## vitalyaems

I did not understand people with money acquire bad skills in life forget about kindness as well as humanity. A poor person has everything in the spiritual plane and can develop it in all plans


----------



## Ms. Aligned

So, Artie did end up texting me back yesterday. He asked if I wanted to celebrate getting a job offer. What happened yesterday was....different. 

Not only did he make me feel comfortable about my having gone nuts on him, but he actually inspired me, somehow. He was so fucking kind to me, showed vulnerability (which I happen to find incredibly sexy in a man). We were sitting in his car listening to music and hanging out as we normally do because he has a nice sound system, and blocker things that make it to where it's not too loud outside of the car. Anyway, he would reach out and hold my hand, grab it, pull it into him, kiss the top of my hand or knuckles. And then we would continue holding hands, and playing with each other's fingers and stuff. 

But what actually inspired me the most was....without saying a word, he fixed what I had complained about when I got nasty with him.....

I am so fucked. 

That was probably the single, nicest, kindest thing, anyone has ever done for me. It really is the little things like, saying to someone that something makes you feel awful, and they just stop doing it. No debate, no arguments, no having to justify why you feel that way, convince someone why they should make adjustments, or why they should care. 

I'm actually tearing up just thinking about it right now. Lol! 

Anyway, it inspired me. To want to make improvements and changes. I haven't been taking care of myself very well lately, and for some reason, that just showed so much strength of character, that I actually feel inspired to want to be a better person than I have been recently. 

Then this morning, I woke up and my mom tested positive for the corona.  I'm really concerned because last time she caught it, she was in the hospital for weeks. _fingers crossed_ I reached out to Artie to let him know in case he was planning to be around any high risk people for the holiday....He text me back. Like, he's making adjustments to all the things I have complained about. I think, maybe, it's time for me to stop being crazy on him. 

There were a couple times when we were hanging out in the car yesterday, that I got so shy with him. Like he was cracking jokes and all I could do was smile and fast nod awkwardly. 

I am so fucked...


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Passed out super early last night, and then kept waking up all night long coughing. Doubt I need to test, if my mother has the rona, chances are that's what I have too. Luckily, it's the day after Thanksgiving so unless you have to work, or are a crazy shopper person, most people expect you to lay in bed all day.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

I'm an idiot.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Oh shit! Heidi Klum was right! If you put your hands around your eyes it's basically impromptu binoculars. She seemed dumb for doing it, but it actually makes sense if you take into account light pollution. Haha! 

Sorry, saw that on something and she seemed like a total ditz, but it actually works!


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Some foods are evil in that they're so freaking delicious you get full before you've become desensitized to the flavor. Those would be:

Pizza
Chicken and dumplings
Gnocchi/tortellini/heavy pastas
Anything I make

I know there are more, but I'm too full to think of them. Since my grandma passed away (a while ago), I've now proclaimed myself the new best cook in the family. Everyone else can suck it. 

Ugh, chicken and dumplings sounds like a good idea when you're sick, but it's actually a bad one. Just a regular soup would have been smarter. 

On the positive side, maybe it's not covid since I can still clearly taste. 

Fuck, I have an interview next week, and haven't decided whether I should just wear a mask, or ask to reschedule. I feel like asking to reschedule puts me behind in the selection process from the get go and it will be harder to land the job. This timing stinks. 

Seriously, all the times I would have licked someone just to get out of two weeks of work, but no I had to be all healthy and shit. But now, that I have a fucking job interview that I want to go to, now I'm going to catch this shit. 

Ms. Aligned: 3 Universe: 2,305,382,572,044,729

Grrrr

I don't even know why I chose to write this post. It's the most useless post in the history of them. Like, what was the point in relaying any of that information? It's not venting, or documenting a memory, it's not informative, or asking any questions. But for some reason I took the time to type it, so I'm hitting submit anyway.


----------



## Kintsugi

> Some foods are evil in that they're so freaking delicious you get full before you've become desensitized to the flavor. Those would be:
> 
> Pizza
> Chicken and dumplings
> Gnocchi/tortellini/heavy pastas
> Anything I make


For real though, lmao 

Feel better soon!


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Kintsugi said:


> For real though, lmao
> 
> Feel better soon!


I was going to reply with a hug emoji but didn't want to give you covid. 🙃 

On a side note, Orchid's post has me thinking now....

If Artie has been intentional in taking a slow and steady approach, it's quite brilliant. One of my super good INTJ friends I met online was hilarious when he first reached out to me. His initial message was, "I've been reading your posts, and wondering how to approach you. You seem like a kitten, but I get the impression that one wrong move, and the claws come out." 🤣 

I'd like to think I've mellowed a bit since my mid 20s though.

If it hasn't been intentional, then I'm fucked. But seriously, he's the one bringing more feels and affection into everything. If it's just about casual sex, and you're already getting it, why even go there? 

I think the worst case scenario would be that he's just a really good ISFP friend, who's willing to sex me, because he knows I like it and he's exchanging it for my friendship. 

I know I'm ignoring red flags, such as this isn't developing like a normal relationship does, but how they normally develop hasn't really worked out for me. As a matter of fact, it's been a disaster when I've been in control of how they progress. Usually come in strong, hard, freak out, and bail. 

I looked back at some of my old posts from when we first met, and I've been telling him I have a tendency to do that since either our first or second time hanging out. I remember when he asked me not to. The more I've been crazy, the more he's given me space (which I interpret as him bailing), but then he just comes back and moves on. 

Maybe he hasn't been playing me, maybe he just actually....listened. I think that's what the epiphany was this last time I hung out with him and saw that he just, ignored what I said (no drama, no arguments), and just without saying a word, fixed it. 

I was like, omg....did he actually just....he *heard* me? Maybe I'm the one who hasn't been paying attention...


----------



## Ms. Aligned




----------



## Ms. Aligned

Omg, you know you're an NT when, you look back on all your past presents received and they're all jokes about how much you either suck or don't care. Lol. Noted


----------



## Ms. Aligned

_Pours one out for Mh17_

He has a long orbit.

Seriously though, like where did he go?


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew! I was fucking right about Milo. See, my instincts aren't so far off.

Dear men,

When a woman tells you they're not interested, they're not interested. Pretending to be their friend, only to send them cryptic and nasty messages when your pretending to be a friend didn't turn into a transactional scenario where your "assistance" didn't create an obligation to reciprocate with sex, is petty, manipulative, and...ya basic.

Feel free to kindly fuck off now.

-Aligned










Fucking threaten my ass with "shit could be worse". Hun, you have no idea.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Jesus, I'm only 7 minutes in to watching Wednesday on Netflix, and she's fucking savage. Lol

"They were going to try to charge you with attempted murder. Now how would that look on your record?"
"Terrible....everyone would know I failed to get the job done."


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Yes! My interview is virtual. Haha, suck it COVID!


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Holy shit, my job offer just came in. Idk why I thought this was one of the ones that I applied for that would be taking a paycut, but I justified it since it was local and it would even out with what I was saving on gas. But this offer is fantastic. About exactly what I was making before, give or take a dollar (forget the actual number in cents). 

I'm so nervous. It's not over until it's over. Hopefully my references come through, and everything works out okay in background. I don't have anything on mine, but I know my crazy sis was giving my name to police when she would get in trouble because a detective notified me of it. So....like I said, not over until it's over.... I won't feel comfortable until I have an actual start date. 

If things go well in the other interview it's going to be hard to decide which job to take. The other one would be considered a promotion, but I got a really good vibe from the job that just made me an offer, and now with the pay, it doesn't feel like a step back at all. 

Dear god, please let at least one of these go through. Let it be the first step to a fresh start that allows me to do everything I need to right now. 😔


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Oooo, and this job allows overtime (which they specifically stressed in the interview so I assume it comes up a lot). I actually will be making more money. I have no problem working overtime, especially when the pay is decent. 

Gah, can I just bypass all this nonsense and start tomorrow? 🤣


----------



## Kintsugi

Fingers crossed for you @Ms. Aligned !


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Holy shit! I'm not one to toot my own horn, but I just *!!!!!NAILED!!!!!* that fucking interview! BOOM!

Oh man! It was almost magical. Lol, every question they asked, I would answer then we would get to the next question, and they were all, "So you already kind of answered this in the last one, it's like we're reading each other's minds!" Lol! Then, they kept mixing up, "if" and "when" you come work for me... Like, they would say when, then correct themselves with if. One of the answers, they were like, "That's almost the exact same answer I gave when I was interviewing." Then we ended up going over and had to cut it off because we were just sharing ideas back and forth and the time just flew. 

Jesus, if this job actually comes through this is going to be a very very difficult decision. What an amazing problem to have. Lol! 

Celebratory drinks!


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Can't find the listening thread. 

Ohh yeaaahhh,


----------



## Ms. Aligned




----------



## Ms. Aligned

....


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Idk wtf is going on today. I went from ecstatic because I nailed the interview to this impending sense of doom. I'm really worried about my ex boss ruining my job offer. I'm sick to my stomach thinking about it. 

It's probably the fact that I had put in a rehire request at my old job because I was getting so many calls for interviews to transfer departments, but I couldn't go on them because obviously I was no longer working there. Was just notified that my request was denied because of whatever my old boss told them. 

I don't care that I'm not going back to work at my old company. I submitted that in a moment of desperation, and in the spirit of exploring all potential avenues to employment. But, if she ends up costing me a new job...It's not fair, she was only my boss for a couple months before driving me crazy to the point of quitting. 

Some people are just oil and water. It just so happens she the .01% of people I could not even fake a lack of disdain for, and I know the feeling was mutual, because I don't start shit, I respond to it. 

That does not represent how I interact with 99.99% of everyone else. 

I'm trying to keep positive thoughts though. For one, I wasn't really sure how that would work. Like, I assumed that if it were approved, I would have been placed in any available department. But, if it was a matter of having to specifically go back and work for her (then interview for other departments), I could see why the request would be denied. No one needs to walk back into that scenario. 

But, there were two positions I worked for at that company and both were denied, so Idk if it's as simple as that. Although, they did tell me I could reapply for the position once posted, the only difference is I would have to go through the normal hiring process again, so would have to test, etc., instead of just being hired in. So, perhaps that does mean I'm eligible for rehire and will get a good reference. 

I was stupid to allow myself to be put in this situation. I shouldn't have tried to wait it out until I finally lost it and quit. I should have just walked away the second I knew it was no longer working, but they kept doing this, "Hang in there, we're going to be making these changes that are going to make everything better annnnnny day now. Waiiiiiit for it, waiiiiiiiiiit for it." 

Idiot _sigh_

Live and learn.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

On a side note, I found a pair of my frames that I broke on ebay for super cheap. Hopefully I'll be able to just pop my lenses into those bad boys, and not look like a nerd walking around with taped, or super glued, glasses because I'm too lazy to go get a new pair.

Sweet!


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Jesus, my sis got mauled by a dog today and that's all she can talk about. "Oooo, I had to get stitches, ooooo, I was attacked by a dog." 🙄 Okay, snowflake. 


* *




Jk, glad she's okay. I'm the little sister though, so it's like....a birthright or something.


----------



## ENTJudgement

Ms. Aligned said:


> Jesus, my sis got mauled by a dog today and that's all she can talk about. "Oooo, I had to get stitches, ooooo, I was attacked by a dog." 🙄 Okay, snowflake.
> 
> 
> * *
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Jk, glad she's okay. I'm the little sister though, so it's like....a birthright or something.


Lmao, you're so mean. But then again, if a doggie tried to bite me and I grabbed it's legs and smashed his head onto the pavement, am I the asshole or was the dog still the asshole for tryna bite me?


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Depends on what you did to the dog.


----------



## ENTJudgement

Ms. Aligned said:


> Depends on what you did to the dog.


Nothing, was just walking home from school!


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Wait wait......I may be starting to hear it at 1:33


----------



## Ms. Aligned

YUUUUUSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Shodan you genius mother fucker! Lol!


----------



## JennyJukes

Ms. Aligned said:


> Ugh that's so close, but it's missing that bass, or those deep notes.
> 
> Omg, this is the A-team vs Indiana Jones theme song all over again. Lol. When I listen to yours it's so close it starts to distort my recollection of the original melody. Lol!


Think this is the one I was thinking of - any closer?


----------



## JennyJukes

Oh ok, I was way off 

Never heard it!


----------



## Ms. Aligned

JennyJukes said:


> Oh ok, I was way off
> 
> Never heard it!


Dude, your's was close, but he nailed it. 

So I used to do this thing where I would test people by making them sing the A-team theme song for thirty seconds, and then the Indiana Jones one. And, I would time how long it would take them to mix up the two in their heads. Almost no one ever passed 30 seconds. Lol.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Fuck, that was the exact song. Why I have this stuck in my head....


----------



## Shodan




----------



## Electra

Ms. Aligned said:


> I suppose Biden's son could sleep with Putin's wife....because let's be honest, who's really doing Biden, or his wife, right now?
> 
> And on that note, I wonder how many non-presidents had sex in the White House. Lol
> 
> AND ON THAT NOTE!!!!! How has no one gone against the title of the "White House" yet? LMAO!!!!!
> 
> No, but like, seriously....


Have you ever heard of these thing called trolls? Did you know that they get paid nowadays? Did you know that they play on emotions and reputation of innocent people? That they bully and threathen targets of their bosses interest? Did you know that they work together in an organisation? Did you know that they have different departments, taking care of (manipulating and confusing) each part of the world? Did you know that they get into politics a lot? Did you know that people get threathend on their lives for revealing these facts in public? Did you know that they would probably love a splitted, broken and confused society in some parts of the (democratic) world? Did you know that they use the freedom of speach as a tool to abuse?


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Electra said:


> Have you ever heard of these thing called trolls? Did you know that they get paid nowadays? Did you know that they play on emotions and reputation of innocent people? That they bully and threathen targets of their bosses interest? Did you know that they work together in an organisation? Did you know that they have different departments, taking care of (manipulating and confusing) each part of the world? Did you know that they get into politics a lot? Did you know that people get threathend on their lives for revealing these facts in public? Did you know that they would probably love a splitted, broken and confused society in some parts of the (democratic) world? Did you know that they use the freedom of speach as a tool to abuse?


Yes


----------



## Kintsugi

@Ms. Aligned

I have to ask....what is a "mountain community"? Is this a US specific thing?


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Kintsugi said:


> @Ms. Aligned
> 
> I have to ask....what is a "mountain community"? Is this a US specific thing?


People who live in the mountains. It's a community.


----------



## Shodan

Ms. Aligned said:


> Shodan you genius mother fucker! Lol!


FYI as a consequence I had the song stuck in my head all, night, long, and I was barely able to get any sleep


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Shodan said:


> FYI as a consequence I had the song stuck in my head all, night, long, and I was barely able to get any sleep


Well, to be fair, it's a great fucking song. I also still have it stuck in my head, and listened to it about 3 times already today.

It's funny that I didn't start recognizing the melody until 1:33 considering it was exactly what was stuck in my head. Lol, apparently when I'm drinking my mind has approximately a 45 second delay.

Or maybe that's the time it took me from recognizing it, to finding it in my tabs and looking at the time stamp. 🧐


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Oof, Artie reached out to me last night while I was drunk, and I asked him an extremely rude question. I hope he knows it was focused on his time, and not the other thing. Like, you seem to spend a lot of time doing this.... I know I'm over the whole dating thing, but I still don't need to be an asshole.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck, my package was delivered to the wrong place. Now I have to interact with people. Literally my least favorite thing to do. Damn it. Seriously I put the numbers on the fucking mail box so freaking huge because this shit happens all the time. Idk how you miss the gigantic fucking reflective numbers.

Edit: Woot! Walking out the door and someone from down the street was dropping it off. Haha! 

God, I can do all kinds of crazy shit, but I freak out at the thought of having to knock on someone's door. 🤦‍♀️


----------



## Ms. Aligned

YES! Made it to the last round of interviews for this other job. Actually, there were supposed to be three rounds, but I guess they decided to bypass the second.

Man, these two jobs are really great in equal but different ways. I'm not counting my chickens before they're hatched, but this is really difficult. At least one of them has to come through, right?

This next interview is in person, so hopefully that will help gain some clarity.

For some reason I feel like I'm cheating or something. But there are just so many things that could go wrong, I don't want to take any opportunity off the table. Can I just work them both? Lol


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Was clearing out my voicemails because it was almost full, and came across some blocked messages from my ex soul mate. Apparently he's been trying to reach out to me every couple months or so, the last one asking if I was dead. I had him blocked because we'd been FwB for over a decade now, but last I heard I thought he was seeing someone and it sounded pretty serious. Blocked him so I wouldn't be tempted to reach out with drunken ramblings asking him for d-pics in the middle of the night. Lol

Dude is fucking hilarious. "Remember this band....of course you do because you remember your own fucking birth." Lol, it was the way he said it that made it funny. Like, who does that, you freak?

Anyway, I have a tendency to play weird head games with myself. So I text ex soulmate to let him know I wasn't dead and why I blocked him. I also text Artie, asking if he was planning on reaching out to me today so I could prepare for a long evening (since we stay up all night every time). So here's how I fuck with myself. I say to myself, "Which ever one gets back to you first, is the one who actually cares about you."

Why I do this, idk, but I do it all the time. Like I'll be driving and say to myself, the next song that comes over the radio is going to answer this specific question for me. I know there is no logic in it, but I guess it helps me to look at things from multiple perspectives, just by doing the mental gymnastics required to link two unrelated things.

Anyway, no sooner do I say this to myself than my ex soulmate responds. "Oh nice." "Glad you're not dead." "Yet" 🤣 I guess that makes sense, given the time we've known each other compared to Artie and I. 

Now, Lol, these two men (Artie and ex-soulmate) are the most ridiculously greatest people I've ever "been" with, and now all I can think about is like....hey....what if we *all* hung out?

Lol, omg, I would die. Like I literally think my chakras or something would explode energy out of the top of my head along with my brain. Like one of those light beams that shoots out of the tops of Vegas casinos. Even just the idea of them two making out turns me on. God, I'm such a creep. Lol!


* *


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Sigh, Artie never responded.  

This is one of those times, I would have really liked him to. 

God, this dude makes me feel the complete spectrum of emotions. 🤦‍♀️


----------



## Ms. Aligned

So probably the greatest thing that discerns me from my "type" is that, I use myself as a reference more than anything else. I just read a post about this and it clicked for me. 

I think it was MH who said something like, why not just say this then? And I think that's actually when I started thinking about it. 

I wasn't always so forthcoming. 

When I was younger I found myself subtly in an abusive relationship. He was stereotypical in isolating someone from others. It happened subtly, and to be fair, I also allowed it to happen easier because I was already in the process of doing it myself. 

Anyway, I would find myself, with no one else to talk to, listening to their stories of, "When that one time we all,"....

So, I adapted. I wasn't going to sit on the sidelines and just be my ex's shadow, but also, I couldn't relate to anything, because I wasn't there. It was like all their experiences started by reminiscing the old ones, and then gradually making new ones, off the old ones. I started responding with, "Oh, I had a similar experience!" Just like put yourself out there. 

And then, I became lazy. Because I realized that was so much more efficient than trying to convince people of your ideas and logic. 

I also realized it was a good way of limiting my informational input. Like if someone was coming at me with more intensity than I could handle, I'd just talk about myself instead. 

And now, I just look like a total narcissist. 

I think it's just lazy. Wasn't their a thread about laziness?


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Sigh, my it will always be better reminder.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Even though nothing has happened, I get the distinct feeling, that tonight created some regrets. 

At least I hope so. 

I'm done. 

I'm sorry but when it comes down to it, you're not bringing out the best in me. I'm not this person, and I'm sick of apologizing for my "impatience." 

Done.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Welp, last night was drunk and sent Artie a final door slam message after he never responded. I'm not going to apologize this time. I realized yesterday that I keep apologizing for trying to read his mind and getting it wrong. I keep being an asshole, because I don't have the platform with him to be honest and communicate effectively. It's the whole push/pull instinct that I can't escape because I'm trying to be chill, and truth is, I'm not. 

I want to aggressively take this situation and make sense of it. But then I'm like, no no, what you need to do is chill. Clearly this isn't working. 

I guess this is one of those, do it now before you ignore it long enough for it to cause a more negative situation type things. 

I can't say I'm not _incredibly_ disappointed. 😒


----------



## Ms. Aligned

I think what also sucks is, I have no intention whatsoever of reestablishing a FwB with the ex soulmate again. I think it's fair to say it's time to let that one go. It was probably time to let that go years ago. 

Lol, in the course of 24 hours, I went from feeling like I had 1 connection, to fantasizing about two, to actualizing zero. 

Sounds about right.


----------



## Electra

Ms. Aligned said:


> People who live in the mountains. It's a community.


Are you sure they're not just pretending? 😁


----------



## VinnieBob

Those who subscribe to better slums and garbage


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Electra said:


> Are you sure they're not just pretending? 😁


Yes, they clearly suffered from a lack of oxygen. 🤣


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Jesus. Artie reached out to me apologizing and telling me he had food poisoning. Idk if I really believe that. And this is what I mean. I don't want to be the type of person who doesn't believe that. If it was an every once in a while something comes up kind of thing, it would be different. If he communicated better, I'd have a better understanding of him, his routines, etc., and I'd feel more comfortable. It's because he's not communicating clearly with me, that I overanalyze everything and then have knee jerk reactions that end up making me dislike how I'm acting, or having to apologize. 

I text him back that I was sorry to hear that and hoped he felt better, but that I meant what I said. I told him I think because I have very little else going on right now, I've been putting too much importance on our interactions and that it's bringing out parts of me I don't really like. 

Being a crazy girl is fun for a while, but like....no one really wants to _stay_ that way. 

.....Sigh.....


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Omg, I'm on episode 6 of Wednesday. When she meets the dude at the car and he jumps back, lmao! That had me rolling.

I think I'm also starting to subvocalize my thoughts in her monotone style. Lol. They really did well on this show. It's surprisingly one of the ones that I haven't binged because it's not just on in the background and I actually want to pay full attention.


----------



## Kintsugi

@Ms. Aligned 

Poor communicators have left me looking & feeling like a mad woman in the past. It sucks


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Kintsugi said:


> @Ms. Aligned
> 
> Poor communicators have left me looking & feeling like a mad woman in the past. It sucks


It's such an obvious and seemingly simple problem too, I think that's what makes it so frustrating. In this case I think it's a very clear difference between a J and P. Woke up this morning to missed calls and texts and him explaining that last night was his only night off work. To which I responded, that was the problem. Communication happens after the fact, not before, as I had already told him beforehand, Friday was my only day available and he just didn't respond.

I get it, he's laid back. He doesn't want to be a slave to his phone and join the millions of cogs who can't look away. But I need early and consistent communication. It's just an incompatibility because I know we've both tried. I've seen him try, and I know I sure as hell have, but neither of us can sustain the change and we always default back to how we operate most comfortably.


----------



## Kintsugi

Ms. Aligned said:


> It's such an obvious and seemingly simple problem too, I think that's what makes it so frustrating. In this case I think it's a very clear difference between a J and P. Woke up this morning to missed calls and texts and him explaining that last night was his only night off work. To which I responded, that was the problem. Communication happens after the fact, not before, as I had already told him beforehand, Friday was my only day available and he just didn't respond.
> 
> I get it, he's laid back. He doesn't want to be a slave to his phone and join the millions of cogs who can't look away. But I need early and consistent communication. It's just an incompatibility because I know we've both tried. I've seen him try, and I know I sure as hell have, but neither of us can sustain the change and we always default back to how we operate most comfortably.


I am actually similar to you in this way despite being some kind of P. I think this is more likely due to me being autistic though, and in the past has caused issues for me when I'm trying to get the other person to explain their actions (because I'm confused & need clarification), and they interpret this as me being deliberately difficult or even obtuse.

Imo, long lasting relationships need to be built on healthy communication. It's definitely something I look for these days, and if it ain't there, then I'm not gonna waste my time. Been there, done that lol


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Ms. Aligned said:


> But I need early and consistent communication.


I'll also add. In a relationship. I want clear and consistent communication in a relationship, I usually don't care when it comes to FwB. So, clearly I was kidding myself and I wanted some kind of relationship (even if it was a very very casual one). I can't understand why, because I know how completely against that idea I am. So I assume it's just because I've had little else to really focus on lately, so I've just been focusing on him intensely. Making him more of a main character than I think either of us intended.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

My brain is such an asshole sometimes. Of all the songs to have stuck in my head, why?






Bah, I have a lot of shit to do today.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Omg, reading the comments on that video for some reason. Lmao @:

*"Pacey*
2 years ago
I wrote this out and gave it to my date and 15 years later I'm still a virgin and she's married to my best mate."

Haha!

Edit: Lmao at the responses to that comment. "Lmao rip"

Haha!


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Gah, my ENTJ sis is annoying as fuck sometimes. I get it you have plans, you're not the only person with fucking plans. You should have thought ahead more.

Pushy as shit. What is that saying, "A lack of preparation on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine?" I think because she's unhealthy she constantly defaults into that pushy steamroller bullshit rather than putting in the work to avoid obstacles.

It's like, go stomp around in your big boots on someone else's turf. There are literally no words to describe how little I fucking care about your ego, or your plans, so you're basically peacocking at a fucking wall, champ.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Sis is getting on my last fucking nerve today. She took my D.O.P. San Marzanos that I was going to use to make all day Sunday gravy with bracioles, sausage, and meatballs in a few weeks. 

Someone bout to get shanked in this bitch. 


* *


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Songs for how you're currently feeling.


----------



## ENTJudgement

Ms. Aligned said:


> I love it too. Just every time she mentions social justice stuff it takes me out of the fantasy. Like, I would prefer the story be set in an alternate time of its own rather than the modern day. I never really watched Adams Family though, so this may be true to the original way it was written.
> 
> 
> Nothing, I was just easily fooled by the superficial charm. And I suppose when you're into things like intelligence mixed with a fuck the rules attitude, you tend to run into them more. 🤣
> 
> 
> On a side note, I've actually been thinking about this a lot lately. Been thinking about Artie (who hasn't reached out at all recently), having a new job, and how busy I'll be again, and for some reason reminiscing about all the really horrible relationships I've had. Then, I just watched the video Kints posted, and it just confirmed it.
> 
> I don't want to be romantically involved with anyone. I keep thinking I do, but when it really comes down to it, I don't. This has been fun, playing with my emotions and feelings (fantasizing) a bit, but I'm good with remaining in control and not letting anyone else in. I mean sure it feels good for a while, but then everything else that comes after, bah.
> 
> Seriously, the thing with Milo, and stuff, really did remind me of why I chose to stop dating in the first place. Then something else happened, but it's definitely one of those keep that to yourself things. Suffice to say, it's very quickly changing my mood from _open_ to *closed*.
> 
> Sometimes I think people are capable of going to extremes and still maintaining integrity, but then it always leads from extremes to corruption, or just shitty ass behavior in general. Even though I feel good when and after Artie and I hang out, by about this time not speaking, it starts to wear off.
> 
> I don't think I'm capable of trusting anyone anymore. I think I've been trying to talk myself into liking Artie, but I'm being constantly reminded right now, that has historically gone very bad for me, when I've ignored my gut and prioritized my conscious desires. Whether it's staying at a job too long because I just wasn't in the mood to job search and wanted to believe it would get better, or whatever. It's all the same redundant theme that I'm being made very clearly aware of right now.


Hey, u finally made it to the skeptics club! If u have to talk ur self into liking someone then that’s already off to a very bad start lol, usually the same deficiencies u originally saw in them will come back and get worse over time.


----------



## ENTJudgement

Ms. Aligned said:


> It's the whole push/pull instinct that I can't escape because I'm trying to be chill, and truth is, I'm not.
> 
> I want to aggressively take this situation and make sense of it. But then I'm like, no no, what you need to do is chill. Clearly this isn't working.


Everyone wants to be chill when in reality they just don’t want to appear desperate. Fk being chill, be the fking fire if that’s what u feel like. I rather the woman explode in my face with fiery passion than play the see who texts first fizzle out game, so over that shit.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

ENTJudgement said:


> Everyone wants to be chill when in reality they just don’t want to appear desperate. Fk being chill, be the fking fire if that’s what u feel like. I rather the woman explode in my face with fiery passion than play the see who texts first fizzle out game, so over that shit.


Yup that's pretty much the route I went. He kept texting and asking to come over. I was stressing about everything that needs to go right this week and in a moment of weakness, I let him come over briefly last night. I text him this morning letting him know he needs to tell me how he feels so I can adjust my expectations accordingly. So, we shall see what he says. 🤷‍♀️

Also, it was funny. Within like 30 seconds of each other, both Artie and ESTP reached out out of nowhere. Lol ESTP and I haven't talked in 2 months. That's so ESTP of him. But see here is the difference. ESTP can go two months without talking and it doesn't bother me at all. My ex soul mate and I can not speak for six months, and it doesn't bother me at all. Artie is not given this same privilege, because I expect more from him. :/


----------



## Ms. Aligned

JennyJukes said:


> Ugh I totally recognize it but can't think!! Does remind me of


Aight lady, so. Last night when Artie came over I was showing him how I like to play multiple music videos at the same time. For example, I played the sounds of rain/thunder at the same time as the Marty Thunder March song, and it was epic. Then we got a little distracted and youtube just started shuffling on random songs. 

I think it was some Nora Jones that came on, and it was a REALLY similar like REALLY similar part to the song, which is why I think I kept saying yours was close. I think it was off the Come Away With Me album, but I don't have the patience this morning to listen to all the songs to see which one. Need something way more upbeat. But see, you weren't too far off! 

That's why I kept saying it was like switching from the Indiana Jones theme song to A-team. I think I was singing a little bit of both at the same time.


----------



## JennyJukes

Ms. Aligned said:


> Aight lady, so. Last night when Artie came over I was showing him how I like to play multiple music videos at the same time. *For example, I played the sounds of rain/thunder at the same time as the Marty Thunder March song, and it was epic. Then we got a little distracted and youtube just started shuffling on random songs.*
> 
> I think it was some Nora Jones that came on, and it was a REALLY similar like REALLY similar part to the song, which is why I think I kept saying yours was close. I think it was off the Come Away With Me album, but I don't have the patience this morning to listen to all the songs to see which one. Need something way more upbeat. But see, you weren't too far off!
> 
> That's why I kept saying it was like switching from the Indiana Jones theme song to A-team. I think I was singing a little bit of both at the same time.


Wow. My brain hurts reading that. I FEEL OVERSTIMULATED.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

JennyJukes said:


> Wow. My brain hurts reading that. I FEEL OVERSTIMULATED.


For some reason hitting the back button didn't work. As soon as I have a minute to listen in full I'll post the song here. The sounds of rain were actually very complimentary to both the Marty and the Nora Jones songs. Though, the Nora Jones ended up creating a certain atmosphere that was not actually intended.

"Uh, should we change it?" "Yeah, lol." "What do you want me to put on?" "Nothing, just forget it." I think we just assumed that it would be a random song next but it went through her whole album. Each time the next song came on, "Uh, we should probably change this..." "Okay one second." _gets distracted_ Lol!



Side note:....Gah, I need to stop thinking about him. He left way too soon yesterday so it was more like a tease than anything else, and I have other shit to think about. I can't believe I just went for it and asked him to tell me how he feels. I have a feeling I know what the answer is going to be (if there is one at all), but at least I'll know. I'll have a place from which to anchor myself, rather than this back and forth questioning nonsense. 

Booo. 

Side side note: Dear god, please let everything go well today. I can't wait until the pressure of today and tomorrow is over.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Found it! Lolol! Imagine having these two songs stuck in your head at the same time and thinking it's Elvis. Lol!











🤣 No wonder I kept trying to put lyrics to it, but then I was no, it's instrumental....🤨


----------



## Kintsugi

Norah Jones! <3


----------



## JennyJukes

Ms. Aligned said:


> Found it! Lolol! Imagine having these two songs stuck in your head at the same time and thinking it's Elvis. Lol!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 🤣 No wonder I kept trying to put lyrics to it, but then I was no, it's instrumental....🤨


I can totally see now how it sounds like sarah mclachlan! Still cant see how @Shodan Got thunder march from it though, that's impressive


----------



## Shodan

JennyJukes said:


> I can totally see now how it sounds like sarah mclachlan! Still cant see how @Shodan Got thunder march from it though, that's impressive


It was weird. I woke up, decided to check perc while half-awake, saw that post, listened to the clip, and all I could hear was Elvis - Can't Help Falling in Love, but with added notes in between. Then I was like - what else sounds like can't help falling in love, but with more notes...? Let me play it in my head... add more notes in between ... ... ... thunder march


----------



## Kintsugi

I'm Sicilian...
I see you 

My Italiano buddy xD


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Everything that could go wrong today, has. I know I’m not getting this job. Fuck I don’t want to go to another interview tomorrow. I just want to crawl into a hole and pour dirt over myself. 😣

I’m still sitting here waiting for another test and it’s like why? Reminds me of when I accidentally ran a red light on my first driving test. I was like, “Should I just turn around and head back now?” “No….we can finish the test…for practice.”

Just pointless now.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

I posted in the what makes you feel unattractive thread, “failure.” So, I guess the good thing is, I no longer care if Artie gets back to me. I don’t care if anyone ever gets back to me again. Absolute shit mood. I was leaning toward accepting this one if given the choice.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Where do I start? Literally everything went wrong today...

This morning I wake up and need to super glue my glasses because my new frames were supposed to be here by now, but they were delayed for some reason. I was putting off doing it, until I actually needed them. For one I tried to super glue the frames before, but stupid me, when I would go to put the lenses in, it would break where the super glue was. But, I didn't want to get super glue on my lenses....Anyway, today I actually needed them for my eye exam portion of my physical, and so I super glue them. Spill it all over my fingers, you know, right before fingerprinting. Then I let the frames set for 20 min. Go back and try to just set the lense in there at least, and it pops into the top where apparently the super glue dripped, leaving a huge super glue fingerprint on it. I kid you not, no sooner than I do this, I get a message that says my package would arrive today. Grrrrr. So that's just how the day started off. 

Then, never received a link that I was supposed to submit a form to. I reached out to the company's HR and they advise me to bring my papers with me then, but also stating it could still be sent out. So I took all my papers with me. Just to be sure I had anything and everything necessary should the situation call for it. Anyway, so I do my fingerprints (if they're even still there after peeling the glue off), and head to my physical.

So I walk in. It's just one guy sitting there and another girl behind the counter. All day I was stressed so I was being uncharacteristically absent minded, like leaving my stack of all possible papers I could need everywhere. 

So I sign in, and the lady tells me to fill out this questionnaire. "Oh ma'am, don't forget your papers." "Oh, lol, thank you!" While filling out the forms, the dude leaves, and after I finished, the girl wasn't behind the desk any longer. I look around and think to myself. "Shit! Looks like I have a second. I'm just going to slide this over the counter, and go put those papers in my car so I stop leaving them everywhere like a dumbass."

I grab them and run out to my car. I walk back in and the lady is standing there. I start, "Oh hi! I didn't see you so I just left...." She cuts me off, "So if you leave the building after you signed in, it's an automatic fail." "What?!?!"

Anyway, that triggered a chain reaction I won't go in to, but let's just say, it ended with me having to sit in an exam room for about a half hour meditating to try to get my BP down from what she said was, "Not just scary high, higher than that." 

I finished out the rest of what I needed to do for the day, got home, and just burst out in sobs the second someone looked at me. 

Suffice to say, all hopes of getting that job are now, gone. I know I have another interview tomorrow and need to pick myself up, but I'm just not feeling it right now. Maybe by morning. Right now, I don't even give a fuck about tomorrow.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

And now I can't get my lenses in/out of my new/old frames. _throws glasses against the wall_


----------



## Ms. Aligned

My fingers are fucking raw, and I still can't get my lenses in. I even tried heating the frames, using tools, etc. And now, since I was trying to do this while drunk last night I've completely lost track of which goes in which eye and they look identical in how they fit into the frame. I can wash them and hold them up to try to see through, but I've given up at the moment because my fingers....are fucking...raw.

I wish this job would officially reach out to notify me I failed already. I know it was just yesterday, but I wish they would. That way, I can get over the regret and move on. My stupid little brain keeps trying to trick me with thoughts of, "There still could be a chance...." There is no chance, never is. This is me, just torturing myself with false hope. 

Got this interview today. I'm going to have to fake this shit big time, because I am definitely not feeling it. Afterwards, I'm getting shit faced drunk until I puke, because it's that kind of mood. And it takes a LOT to get me to puke. However, that shall be my reward for even making it through these terrible days despite every impulse of mine telling me to crawl into a hole. 

Thank god I have the ability to perform despite whatever mood I'm in. I think growing up dancing helped with that. No matter what, when the music comes on, you dance. Show must go on, or some shit like that.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

But it's not going to matter anyway, because you can tell in my eyes I was definitely crying yesterday. They're ridiculously red and swollen. So I look like a fucking crack head.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

I am obsessed with this Thunder March song right now. Idk why it randomly popped into my head out of nowhere, but it's like the fucking perfect anthem right now. I'm listening to it on repeat while getting ready this morning, blasting it. Lol, probably driving my neighbors insane.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

I'm an idiot. Of course the lense with the super glue goes with side of the broken frame. Uhhh, can I tend the rabbits, George?


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Why I was leaning towards Job A:

Local
Same wage as I just left
Less stress
Better work/life balance
Start of a healthier beginning (less time spent traveling to and from work I could start swimming before work again or taking up hobbies, sitting less)
Not sure about promotion opportunities but thought I'd work that out after being there and gaining the experience

Job B:

Will have to commute (so 14+ hour days again involving a lot of sitting)
Bad work/life balance
Stressful
Basically walking in to the exact same thing I just left, but with different people
Smaller income to start however automatic promotion after a year which would pay more
Boss and I vibed really well so I know I can work with her

Normally I'd go for job B hands down. Basically because it's just more money in the long run and have to maintain that upward trajectory. I'd neglect myself, my health, my fam, and just dive into my work again, dealing with high stress situations, like trying to get people to do shit they don't want to do.

But lately, I was actually thinking that taking job A would actually be the change I needed to make to live a better life overall. I was going to move down the street from work (easy and doable). If I took job B, I'd have to move an hour and a half away into a more expensive area, that I'm not familiar with at all.

So in the end, they're basically equal but job A is...healthier, and less stressful. And, if I work 14 hours at job A, I get paid overtime. It's not just because I was sitting in a car for hours at a time.

FUCK, Ms. ALIGNED! Get it through your fucking head! Job A is gone. GONE!

I just feel so sad about this. Don't get me wrong, I'll be ecstatic if I get job B, hell any job. But I was actually starting to picture a different future for a second. Jumping back into my old life, it's not as glamorous, but I'm used to it, and will do a great job regardless. I just didn't realize how much I was leaning toward job A until the possibility was no longer on the table.

Sigh.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Okay, made it here with plenty of time. Took a short nap in the parking lot so some of the swelling in my eyes went down. Flushing job A from my brain. This is all I’m focused on. Going to make this work, because it has to.

In my mind I’m picturing a fighter before walking out. Jumping back and forth in each foot, shaking arms out, stretching neck from side to side.

Let’s do this!

_deep breath in annnnd walks_


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Welp, made it. _drinky time_

I assume it was a good interview when it goes from 45 min to an hour and 20 because you and three other people, are sharing your work philosophies. My potential new boss, is amazing. I was really watching her because my old boss and I vibed very well at first, but then I quickly learned she had a public (nice) persona, and a private (judgemental as fuck) one. 

Like, when I first started working there (and this isn't the one that I was transferred to, that was horrible), we were talking about how similar our upbringings were. Military, Italian, etc. I mentioned family parties and how my family would be like, "Ehhhhhh!," when someone walked through the door and they would hug them and shit. Then when they were out of the room, the instant shit talking would begin. I was going to say, "This is why I don't go to them anymore," but she spoke too quickly and said, "Omg! Yes! I love that!"...Or something along those lines. 

So I was REALLY paying attention to the potential new boss, and I have to say I'm impressed. Like, I was in an absolute shit mood today and hoping to just plow through the interview and get it over. And by the end, even she was like, "You seem so much more relaxed than when you first came in." And that's when I realized, "This bitch jedi mind tricked me, effortlessly." Lolol! I also had a lot of questions I was going to ask, like, "So what does a typical project look like?" But she led it perfectly. I just sat back and let her do her thing, because she did it perfectly, and always slightly a step ahead. 

I really agreed with her philosophies, and I can tell it's coming from a genuine place. Like, I already respect her. And, the way her employees talk about the things she'd done since coming on, was impressive. At one point, I was like, "Did you pay them to say these things before I came?," and we all had a good laugh. 

When she spoke though, you could tell there was understanding and meaning behind her words. She had well developed ideas, goals, and a genuine understanding of values. 

But that drive man....it really is the sitting for hours and hours at a time, sedentary lifestyle, that has me cringing at the thought of diving myself in again. It felt nice to drive 100 down the freeway, but that's because I wasn't traveling during commuter traffic. If I were it would be more like 10mph. Also I used my horn for the first time in months, and had to avoid at least 5 accidents because half the people are scared mother fuckers staying in the fast lane because it's the least merging, and everyone else having to go into the slow lanes to get the fuck away from them. 

One thing I noticed that changed, and was strange, was that most of the cars on the road that I intuitively drove with (making the same choices at the same times) were mostly women. What? Then when someone would do some dumb shit or cut me off, it was a man. 🙃 What?

Anyway, who can say they walked out of an interview feeling 100% better. Not just about the interview, but just in general? I wish I could take job A and B and just make them switch locations. Or, if they offered full time telework (with the exception of in person meetings and stuff). The preference would be obvious. 

It really is the sedentary lifestyle that has been bringing me down, and making me feel like I'm just riding through life, getting older, uglier, and just waiting to die. 

Idk maybe this is like the Artie vs. Milo thing. Artie initially came off as more risky, but he's actually a big risky softy. Milo came off as the stable, but it just didn't mesh well. 

One thing is for certain, I'm surrendering at this point. I can say I put my best effort into both jobs. Whatever happens, was probably where I was meant to be, for some reason I don't fully understand yet.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Wow, my soul is dark on the inside. How to move on from a passionate and temporary love interest?

"Once I throw this can you drank from away, there will be no more evidence you were even here in the first place."

That thought just went through my head, followed by, "Yikes that sums up your life pretty succinctly, actually."

Even when I quit my old job, I'd been there almost 8 years in total. Over 3.5 with my current department. The box I left with of personal belongings included about maybe, 10-20 items, most of which were like a toothbrush. a bottle of toothpaste, some plastic spoons, etc. I mean it could have all easily fit in a small grocery bag. Whereas coworkers would have multiple boxes of personal items they would have to pack.

Sometimes I wonder if minimalism is a form of detachment.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Fuck I want to smoke weed so bad right now. 






Legalize it already! Like fully! 

Instead, sitting here just imagining what it used to feel like. Lol, and all I can smell is repression.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Lol, why is the Godfather so on my mind right now? Went outside to smoke, and the door didn't shut all the way so it just popped open. I look over and my female dog is sitting off to the side and staring at me, and I just shut the door, just like Michael did on Kay. This isn't for you to see....And the look in her eyes as I did so....

Lol!


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Dear Artie....

No matter what happens, Thank you, you were the beacon of hope in a very confusing situation. Made me keep thinking ----->

I would LOVE to experience you, one more time before I dip. Don't male it weird.


----------



## Ms. Aligned




----------



## Ms. Aligned

[email protected] CLassroom of the elite. Love the teacher. "If you don't get it, you've already failed"

The teacher is the person I can most identify with.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Dear Artie, I'm on limited time, If you get this, fine, if you continue to waste mine...


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Annnnnd, we're done. Like, done done.

We never even made it into the bedroom last night.

He hits me up, and 1) is fucking late, 2) doesn't want to do what I want to do (shower together in the dark), 3) I find out what he's been reassuring me about is a goddamn lie and we've been pissing my neighbors off, 4).......I can't remember exactly what it was, but he said something that implied he was married.

The second that happened, like a switch flipped in my mind. I literally just disconnected, and eventually just walked into the house and shut the garage door on him. I then proceeded to have a panic attack. He asked me if he could come inside, I said no, I was having a panic attack and to go away.

Right after it initially happened he tried to make jokes, like, "Okay, I'm calling my wife then." Hands me the phone, and there's no one there. Right, you think that's funny right now?

Anyway, so he's sending me messages, and I respond this morning, "Idk what you said last night to imply you were married, but you either A) are married, or B) don't communicate enough with me to believe otherwise. Having a panic attack was not cool."

His response?

...And this is the second, my friends, I snapped out of whatever fucking spell he had on me.



"Maybe therapy?" 🤷‍♀️




Yes, Artie. I do need fucking therapy. Great job.



* *


----------



## Shodan

Hey, I apologize for the intrusion, and I am really sorry you had to go through that. FWIW I just wanted to say that this guy's behavior clearly isn't normal. He is either creepy AF, or just plain awkward, but if you had a very bad feeling about it all as you did, then former is most probably the case.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Shodan said:


> Hey, I apologize for the intrusion, and I am really sorry you had to go through that. FWIW I just wanted to say that this guy's behavior clearly isn't normal. He is either creepy AF, or just plain awkward, but if you had a very bad feeling about it all as you did, then former is most probably the case.


It's not an intrusion. 

All I could respond with was, "Wow." Like he was all, "Oh yeah, I'm married, look at my ring tan line." _holds up hand_

"That's your right hand."

I just feel so fucking stupid.


----------



## Shodan

Ms. Aligned said:


> All I could respond with was, "Wow." Like he was all, "Oh yeah, I'm married, look at my ring tan line." _holds up hand_
> 
> "That's your right hand."
> 
> I just feel so fucking stupid.


Oh my god. 🤣



If nothing else, at least you realized it sooner rather than later. And you shouldn't feel stupid for having emotions and wanting to let someone in. It happens even to the most jaded and most hurt of us. Not your fault.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Okay, let's consider the possibility that I am wrong (because I don't like to be). He's not married, I jumped to conclusions, and had an overreaction to something that wasn't even true. Fine.

But in my text I said there were one of two things happening. When you bypassed the actual concern to suggest I needed therapy for the panic attack, you basically proved point B.

I have been, fucking honest with you, every goddamn step of the way. I told you this arrangement wasn't working, maybe you made small adjustments, just enough to keep me around without really adjusting anything at all. If you communicated better, I would have no doubts as to whether you were married or not. If you gave me more notice, maybe I would have taken the time to look better for you. If you fucking, didn't hit me up at 11pm, you know what, it doesn't matter.

The point is, my sanity in question or not, don't you dare go putting it on me like there is something wrong with me and my behavior. I asked you to tell me how you felt, and maybe you didn't say it directly, but you certainly did.

So it doesn't matter if I'm fucking crazy or not, but nice deflection.


----------



## Kintsugi

@Ms. Aligned 

I hope you're okay! 🤗 

It's never usually a good sign when they start trying to imply that the problem is you (or your mental health, etc). Infuriating


----------



## Kintsugi

I realised that I hadn't caught up with most of your recent posts here....

It seems that you are going through a lot a right now (what with Artie & the job situation)....
It's not surprising that you had a panic attack, given everything that's going on. 

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you can message me anytime, if you need.

You're a wonderfully bright spark, Ms.A! 

Take care of yourself 🤗


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Kintsugi said:


> @Ms. Aligned
> 
> I hope you're okay! 🤗
> 
> It's never usually a good sign when they start trying to imply that the problem is you (or your mental health, etc). Infuriating


Yeah, agreed. Incidentally, while I am a bit nuts, I was seeing a therapist up until I quit my job and in his opinion, the only thing I suffered from was being an HSP, and that I had a lot of stressful moving parts I was working with (family conflict, work conflict, etc.). I was shocked when he even said he didn't believe I had depression, and that he only put it down because a diagnosis was required for billing.

So if it is my mental health that's the issue it means there is a conflict with my HSP which I'm going to bring back to lack of clear communication, since knowledge removes doubt. So either way, it's the communication. The fact that I would get massive reassurance in person and zero reassurance otherwise, fucked with my head.

Incidentally I've only had maybe 4 or 5 panic attacks in my life. One was when I was trying on wedding dresses and I put on one that looked like the tooth fairy shit sparkles all over me. I even thought, "Omg all this needs is a molar crown and a freaking wand." I was going to take it off immediately but instead decided to walk out and show everyone so we could all have a laugh.

The second I walked up though, everyone's jaws dropped and they started saying how perfect it was, and putting veils on me. I just froze, until I suddenly burst out in uncontrollable tears. Lol!

So when I look back, any time I've had one it wasn't because I was honestly panicked. It's because I encountered a situation where I was faced with a completely opposite reaction than expected, my brain couldn't make sense of it fast enough, and that caused a weird energy to build in my body until it comes out, usually in a fit of uncontrollable sobs. Lol. So idk if that's an actual panic attack or me just not feeling a sense of control, because my brain hasn't caught up yet. I've heard a lot of people compare panic attacks with heart attacks and that's not true in my case so idk if it actually is one, or if it's just a sudden and dramatic emotional response.

In Artie's case, his jokes, if they were jokes, came off as bad attempts at lying. The responses weren't addressing the question (or assumption), and it just overwhelmed me. I had to walk away. And if I was wrong, fine, but because there is no communication, there is no ability to address the situation like adults and resolve the issue. So that's just how things played out.

I still don't understand how I could feel so disconnected from someone that I could talk to from sunset to sunrise without missing a single beat, and had the most amazing, intimate, physical connection with. And then, feel like I don't really know anything about him. Reminds me of those dudes on the true crime shows that convince their wife they're a spy or something, and in reality they're hiding a second family. Guess that's why I so easily believed he was married. Because of the whole dynamic. There was always a missing piece, so I never settled into a true comfortable state with him, and instead kept working on the instinct to push away. Wrong problem to address.

*Anyway, Ms. Kints, I did not mean to write all that out in response to your post, I'm still just replaying it all to make sense of it, so just ended up rambling.*



Kintsugi said:


> I realised that I hadn't caught up with most of your recent posts here....
> 
> It seems that you are going through a lot a right now (what with Artie & the job situation)....
> It's not surprising that you had a panic attack, given everything that's going on.
> 
> Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you can message me anytime, if you need.
> 
> You're a wonderfully bright spark, Ms.A!
> 
> Take care of yourself 🤗


Thanks, Artie is whatever it is, but losing job A was a significant blow. It was like being at a fork in the road and you look down each path. One has a nice paved way, sun shining, birds chirping, a fucking rainbow, and the other is overgrown with thorny bushes, and you can hear the beasts within howling, but at least there is a small light willing to guide your way.

Of course I need to take one of the paths, and go to approach the easy one for a change, but as I do, a gate suddenly closes, and an arrow points to the other with a sign that says, "Not for you."

Why should I be surprised? Oh right, I'm not. Because not once in my life have I EVER been allowed to take the path of least resistance.

Even my last promotion I had, the job I just left. I was hoping to be hired on to do the job that everyone else does in my position, but nope. First day in the office, boss tells me, "You'll be doing none of that, I have a more challenging project for you." _Looks at everyone else in the same position with envy because their roles are much less stressful._ I knew I'd be working on a project during the interview process, but I didn't realize that meant the nature of the work would change completely, and was well above my paygrade.

I had no problem doing it, it was a role I've stepped into many many times and know I will excel at regardless.

Idk what I'm saying. I guess, for once, I just wanted to slow down, without having to make everything stop completely (like quitting and doing nothing).

Loss of job A is still felt tremendously. More than anything, that was going to be my ticket to a healthier life, and I screwed it up.

*Anyway, again, don't feel like you have to respond to all of this or anything. These thoughts are still just circulating in my mind.*


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Shower thoughts:

Love can't be blind because the second it becomes so, it would cease to exist. Love should be, imo, when you see everything and you choose to care for that person regardless. If it's good love, you should be able to work on things together. No. It's infatuation that leads you to exchange what you see in front of you for the imaginary person that only exists in your mind. 

Infatuation leads you to rationalize, think of any possibility where love could potentially exist (a.k.a., making excuses), but I think love just knows (a.k.a., making choices). So when it comes to infatuation....it could be the necessary process for creating the foundation that leads to love...


* *


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Listening to the Sinister Music thread and having some easy drinks. Like not getting wasted just sipping and enjoying the music. 

After listening to Nina Simone, and Johnny Cash, and reading Shameless' recent post in her job thread, I'm starting to wonder if I should take job B. 

One of my life philosophies is, "Even when it seems I'm still, when I'm standing in the same place, as long as I'm not going backward, it means I'm moving forward." 

So job B, is compensating for the fact that I temporarily moved backwards. And now, accepting this position would at least put me back on level ground (in my mind anyway). Putting myself back into the exact same position I just left, but with different people. 

Is it because time has gone by, and I'm craving working so much that I'll take what is offered to me, even if it comes with the same overall complications? If I had a job right now, would I accept it? Or would I hold out for something that wasn't just surviving, but thriving in the way I feel is life and death at this point? 

My new boss' life goal is helping people, especially women, to transition from survival into thriving. Do I want to be a consumer, or an employee. That is the question. 

I quit my job, because I felt like that's all that my life would exist of until it ended...

During this experience, have I just discovered that the grass isn't greener, and I should accept the rest of my fate? Sure I know I can take this job in the interim, and continue looking for something that fits my needs more. But I remember how exhausted I was when actually in that position. Just plowing through all week, and basically just passing out on the weekends, doing nothing but eating and sleeping to recoup the energy I'd need for another week, of just sitting on my ass in an important way. 

Or, I've already blown everything up, and am already living the consequences. Considering this, should I hold out for something better? It's all about timing. What if it takes so long, that the time spent means I move further away from (or best suited) for the goal? Like the longer I'm unemployed the less likely it will be that someone hires me, and even if they do, the less likely I will be to pick up (momentum wise) where I left off. 

Which would then mean I lost my edge, and became (adjusted to) being just another person who's averagely qualified for the job.

Should I hold out for the ideal, or in some ways demand it? Or do I accept what's offered, and use it as a stepping stone to choose my own fate. 

I've spent far too long doing the former. It has taken a physical, mental, and emotional toll. And at this point, it has a level of familiarity that makes me comfortable diving in to. 

It's actually just like pulling the Death card, which for some unknown reason comes up a lot whenever I've asked someone for a reading. Lol. I know change is happening. But that's all I'm certain of at this moment....


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Wow!... Suddenly remembering making "sun tea", meaning you just leave it outside for it to seep from the sun's heat in a plastic/glass bottle is starting to make me realize how dumb we were. Lol. Aren't there all kinds of studies now about how liquids in plastics heated by the sun, cause cancer? 

Yum!

Best childhood memories ever though. How fucked up is that?


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Quick intermission....


----------



## JennyJukes

so was that the song then...?


----------



## Ms. Aligned

^^


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Give me a sec


----------



## Ms. Aligned

I'm going out tonight.

Know this is a terrible idea, but whatever, making everything to come to a head.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Fuck can't right now.When I said I wasn't going to apologize again, I meant it.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

I meant it, I have no problem getting my ass kicked, sometimes, I even welcome it, 

Best of luck to all us.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Oh, right. Went out, everyone was cool, zero drama. Not sure what I was worried about.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Also got my ass kicked at pool by a gnome.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

JennyJukes said:


> so was that the song then...?


Oh sorry, didn't see this. I've had both of them stuck in my head on and off since I discovered each. Lol. I really do think I was mixing both of them up and them both stuck in my head at the same time. Lol


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Damn, watching Shark Tank, I've never been as impressed as I was by watching the dude from Shredskins, though buddy, your wife was wrong sweat skins makes more sense and is catchier. Anyway, this dude, just the way he handled himself was impressive as hell. Thinking about buying the product just to support him and his family. Lol

Some people just have natural positive energy. It's really impressive.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

You ever get those feelings where it's like everything you're trying to say or write, when you read it back, it's just not translating as you're imagining it would? Almost like a disconnection between your thought and expression. Kind of like it's heavy in your mind but then when you read it back, it just seems shallow. 

I get like this sometimes after my mind has finally exhausted itself, or, oddly enough, if I've spent hours working on math problems. Lol! Like your mind is quiet, but you can feel the deep thoughts buried inside it, but have no way of extracting them, because they get lost in translation during the journey to bring them to the surface. Like they're completely formless and without language...

Lol, even this whole post just reads like absolute gibberish to me.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

I swear to god, how do ESTPs just naturally sense things? Like they just have ridiculously good timing that's almost freaky....

I haven't spoken with ESTP since Artie and I first started hanging out. We hung out twice, and then he disappeared and I went on this other journey with Artie. So how does the ESTP just automatically happen to pop up, like right now. Right as Artie is on his way out, ESTP is like, "Sup?"

Such freakishly uncanny timing. 

Unfortunately, I told him I'm having some down time right now, which he was cool about. I hope this feeling doesn't last too long. I kind of miss the adrenaline. My biggest fear, timing wise, was that I would run out of adrenaline before I had the chance to secure the next chapter, and end up getting into a rut. Hopefully this is just a temporary tired. Maybe left over from having covid, and I can just pick up where I left off tomorrow.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Welp, the good news is, woke up this morning to evidence that I've had a sinus infection. Not to be gross, and this will be, but I always know when I've had a sinus infection because at the tail end of it, two gigantic balls of mucus slide down the back of my throat and make me gag to where I spit them up. Lol, almost like a mucus plug. 

Anyway, that happened this morning (well just one, the other must still be up there), so that could explain why I've been feeling so tired lately, or like my head is swimming. Could have been left over from Covid. Like the covid caused the sinus infection to develop in the first place, and I just didn't realize I'd been dealing with it. Ignoring your body ftw. 

So today's another cleaning day. Taking it little at a time. It sucks when you're cleaning the underneath stuff because first you make more of a mess, and then even when it's done, it's not like things look visibly different, so it's just not as rewarding and a lot more tedious. Will feel good once it's all completed though. 

Another thing that sucks? Finally getting yourself in the mood to scrub the shower, only to realize, you only had enough cleaner left to cover one wall. It's like damn it, now I have to clean myself in the half cleaned shower, to go to the market and get cleaner, to come back and clean the rest of the shower that I'm already standing in cleaning, and get dirty all over again!

Grrrrrr


----------



## Ms. Aligned

I don't like to not finish what I started, but I just tried watching the new season of Handmaid's Tale, and got about 15 min in before I couldn't take the super close up shots anymore. I know it's TV but the personal bubble still exists, like dude...back up. I can't stand the main character's face because of all these close up stupid ass shots.

I just can't with this one anymore.*

And while I'm ranting about media production, whoever came up with this make the show so dark no one can even see it BS should be shot. If I wanted to listen to a radio show, that's what I'd fucking do. If I'm WATCHING TV, I should be able to see what's fucking going on. It does nothing to add to the experience, except annoy the shit out of me.

*Reminds me of when I was pregnant and my ex and I were watching lamaze videos online. In one the girl says, "If she's not concentrating you put both of your hands on the side of her face, and pull yours close to her's, look her in the eye, and say, breathe." I looked at my ex husband, "Try that and you'll lose a limb." Unless I'm kissing you, there is no reason for my face to ever be that close to anyone's.

On a side note, why do I keep comparing things to pregnancy lately? This better be some coincidence and not some random intuition...


----------



## Ms. Aligned

I must be feeling better because I'm super restless today. Kidney fucking hurts like a bitch, and even with cutting them in half and using them only when absolutely necessary, I ran out of the pain meds my doc prescribed to manage the pain. And now because of the whole job thing, I can't even smoke weed as back up, self medicating until I can see a doctor again. Ugh.

ENTJ sis is getting on my last fucking nerve. Just have to keep reminding myself that soon I'll be able to move out. Since she's here now, and has taken it upon herself to step in and run everything, there is no need for me to stay here to support my mom. Thing about ENTJ sis though, she's the crazy one. So, it's only a matter of time before she cycles again. 

In the meantime, the stalemate between my kid and I continues. I will not be spoken to or bullied by some punk teenager, but this stalemate is silently breaking my heart. They've recruited ENTJ sis as their new "mommy" and she's perfectly up for the challenge considering both her kids were taken away by her exes (so she has no custody) because of her craziness. So she's like, living vicariously through mine. 

I know it's only a matter of time until shit hits the fan. It already did once, and my kid came crawling back to me. "Are you going to turn me away? You're the only person I know who will always welcome me with open arms!" I should have remained strong in my resolve to let them figure it out on their own, but the greatest weakness in life, is being a mother. My heart melted, and I comforted them and talked them through it. 

The next day, they apologized to my mother and sister, and continued to treat me like shit. 

Like, my kid won't say, "Love you," after I say it. "I just won't say it if I don't mean it." But then I heard them talking to their dad and they said it, my jaw dropped. "No no! ACTUALLY, you should take it as a compliment. I only say it to my dad because he'll get pissed if I don't and I don't want to hear it, with you I know I can be honest!" "THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT BETTER!" 

I told them when I was consoling them, "I feel like you take all the dysfunction of the family and because you don't feel like you can confront them, but are comfortable with me, you project your feelings about them onto me to take responsibility for it, when I'm the one actually trying to help. I'm not the one _*doing*_ any of it!"

I think they're still too young and immature to fully understand this concept. I know eventually they will, but at what cost? In the meantime, until they have some coming to jesus moment, the stalemate continues. So, Christmas is cancelled, everything is canceled, and if it comes time to move out and they don't want to go with me, they're "adult" enough to choose their own fate at this point. 

I don't need love from my kid. That's not what parenting is about. But if I allow them to continue to think this is an acceptable way to treat someone, then I'm not doing my job. 

Reminds me of The Rehearsal, where Nathan simulates what it's like to parent through all the stages of development. There is a reason babies are so cute. They need to REALLY make you love them to justify the teen years. 


Annnnnd, just like clockwork....sis and mom are screaming at each other like a bunch of banshees, about who's responsible for what. 

...Have fun with that. When I'm not around y'all bitches, my life consists of none of this nonsense. You think I'm the problem, well then, removing myself should make the problems go away right? Oh it didn't? I'm still to blame? 

Example, this morning finally broke the silence to tell the kiddo to fix something. They basically told me to fuck off, and returned to me what was broken telling me to just have it then. So I went and rehooked it back up, "Have to do everything my goddamn self," and tried to fix it. It's still broken, shocker. Tell my mom, "You need to call the people." Mom tells sis when I'm not in the room that she needs to fix it. "Well she took it so now it's broken." ENTJ sis, "She shouldn't have done that!" 










Yeah, I know I'm ranting.


----------



## Ms. Aligned




----------



## Ms. Aligned




----------



## Ms. Aligned

For some reason I still feel like Dorian... :/


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Okay, I may have become tipsy...


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Fuck yeah I would buy this! Isn't this what we hoped all big bubbles and old school sparklers would do at the same time?!?!






Now make them flash! Woot!


----------



## Ms. Aligned

OMG this dude needs to stfu. Seriously, if they can just make them shine like old school sparklers did, that's genius.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Um....I think I'm drunk.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Antiparticle said:


> One is in different city, great team, salary I think much bigger when compared to the costs/standard. Can’t find any big flaws. Helpful attitude, good atmosphere.
> 
> Second: was rejected million times in life while pursuing this direction. I started to act/feel like when guy turns you down and then you want it much more. I have love-hate relationship with this job “wish”. Now, it’s again similar- I already got the standard criticism- and of course I think it sooooo cool they are critical and this means I will grow* as a person etc. 😸 I applied in total 3 times** to this same person (in 3 years), and before had 2 similar experiences, but not very productive (this was criticism, so it’s kind of true 😅).
> 
> *It’s closer to corporate job, so maybe this is the reason they don’t like me.
> **Was ignored each time 😂
> 
> @ENTJudgement do you think corporate jobs will automatically dislike altruistic motivations (non-profit related)?


Dude everything I hear about work dynamics in any kind of strategic way is like, I'm good, I'm good.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Not you, this is definitely me.


----------



## Antiparticle

Ms. Aligned said:


> Dude everything I hear about work dynamics in any kind of strategic way is like, I'm good, I'm good.


What do you mean? First or second offer?


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Antiparticle said:


> What do you mean? First or second offer?


I-O psych really needs to become more of a thing.

Every time I hear someone speaking about their work experiences and comparing it to unhealthy relationships, it gives me PTSD. Idk, the first offer sounds better, from my perspective. Lol! With the second, if that's to just get through the door, imagine the day to day. Yikes.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Shit, I'm well into my work hours. Need to get going. 

_Hops in the shower humming Leave Me Breathless_

NEEDS MORE YODELING!


----------



## Kintsugi

Ms. Aligned said:


> Shit, I'm well into my work hours. Need to get going.
> 
> _Hops in the shower humming Leave Me Breathless_
> 
> NEEDS MORE YODELING!


OMG.....The CORRS????


----------



## Kintsugi




----------



## Ms. Aligned

All I can hear is ENTJudge's voice singing it now. Lol!


----------



## Kintsugi

You also have to enjoy this from the same era (and also UK & Ireland)

Fun fact. I saw these guys play live at Glastonbury when I was 14/15. That was the first time I tried magic mushrooms.....except, nobody told me that when I drank the damn soup....


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Magic mushrooms are the only acceptable mushrooms. I think. I want to try them, heard they're great for depression, but alas, I don't know any drug dealers. 🤷‍♀️

Actually spoke about this with my therapist when I had one, but he advised me not to as those therapies usually involve all day sessions with a trained therapist to guide you or some shit.


----------



## Kintsugi

Ms. Aligned said:


> Magic mushrooms are the only acceptable mushrooms. I think. I want to try them, heard they're great for depression, but alas, I don't know any drug dealers. 🤷‍♀️


Dude....have you not?!

Oh my, I'd LOVE to be your first time! 😸


----------



## Kintsugi

I used make a lot of money during picking season when I lived in the UK. Also lost a few teeth too, lol


----------



## Shodan

I've never had magic mushrooms, can you put them on a pizza?


----------



## Kintsugi

Shodan said:


> I've never had magic mushrooms, can you put them on a pizza?


Yes, absolutely.

But they are best ingested during the infamous Kintsugi tea ceremony....

I would actually LOVE to go on a mushroom adventure with you both! I'd take care of you guys 😁


----------



## Shodan

Kintsugi said:


> Yes, absolutely.
> 
> But they are best ingested during the infamous Kintsugi tea ceremony....
> 
> I would actually LOVE to go on a mushroom adventure with you both! I'd take care of you guys 😁


Sadly, I don't indulge in any sort of hallucinogens. My religion forbids me (Shodanism). Unless you meant the 3 of us playing Super Mario or something, I'd be up for that sort of a mushroom adventure.


----------



## Kintsugi

when I was 18 I


Shodan said:


> Sadly, I don't indulge in any sort of hallucinogens. My religion forbids me (Shodanism). Unless you meant the 3 of us playing Super Mario or something, I'd be up for that sort of a mushroom adventure.


Dude, I'm Autistic. Literally had to read this 3 times over until I recognized it was a joke 😆


----------



## Kintsugi

This is making me laugh so much....

An Autistic in the wild, trying desperately to Mask.....


----------



## Kintsugi




----------



## Ms. Aligned

Kintsugi said:


> Dude....have you not?!
> 
> Oh my, I'd LOVE to be your first time! 😸


Idk, something tells me I should trust my counselor when he very much recommended I have a trained psychotherapist with me if I tried them. Lol! At some point I'd probably end up at a Burger King, standing on a table, holding a pickle and having it "my way". 


* *




I did not make the Burger King thing up, stole that from Wendy Liebman because she's hilarious.





Shodan said:


> I've never had magic mushrooms, can you put them on a pizza?


I don't see why you couldn't, people put those nasty ass things on there all the time, and they're not even the ones that get you high. 



Shodan said:


> Sadly, I don't indulge in any sort of hallucinogens. My religion forbids me (Shodanism). Unless you meant the 3 of us playing Super Mario or something, I'd be up for that sort of a mushroom adventure.


I did not realize I missed playing Mario, until I read this post. Thanks, pal.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Shodan said:


> The things that bother you are all plants (plus fungi), so maybe it was the spinach (or, maybe the spinach wasn't washed properly and contained traces of some pesticide). Also, not sure if related, but all of these (except sweet potatoes and squash) are non-starchy IIRC, mushrooms included.


Idk what it is my brain is doing putting all of those into the same "family" taste wise. They just all seem to get grouped together.

I love veggies, spinach included. Green beans, broccoli, carrots, cauliflower, celery, sugar snaps, all kinds of greens, etc. It's just something about that "grouping".

Someone had to have done something different and they're not telling me, but if I press the issue they're going to take it as my criticizing their hard work, which is not my intention. This is a very specific thing I'm trying to identify, it just unfortunately comes with descriptors like "earthy death".


----------



## mimesis

Ms. Aligned said:


> Idk what it is my brain is doing putting all of those into the same "family" taste wise. They just all seem to get grouped together.


They are in fact family, aka nightshade.

"When it comes to each plant in the nightshade family, everyone’s body responds in a unique way, but for most people these vegetables are not an issue. And those at risk often include those that have leaky gut, autoimmune diseases or have other gut-related illnesses.
There are specific signs of intolerance you can look for, so if you have leaky gut or autoimmune disease you will want to look out for any warning signs after eating nightshades such as joint pain, digestive issues, reddening of your skin or any type of inflammatory response."









Nightshade Vegetables: How to Find Out If They're Bad for You - Dr. Axe


Nightshade vegetables are completely healthy for most people, but for a few it can act as a immune response trigger similar to wheat or dairy.




draxe.com


----------



## Ms. Aligned

mimesis said:


> They are in fact family, aka nightshade.
> 
> "When it comes to each plant in the nightshade family, everyone’s body responds in a unique way, but for most people these vegetables are not an issue. And those at risk often include those that have leaky gut, autoimmune diseases or have other gut-related illnesses.
> There are specific signs of intolerance you can look for, so if you have leaky gut or autoimmune disease you will want to look out for any warning signs after eating nightshades such as joint pain, digestive issues, reddening of your skin or any type of inflammatory response."
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Nightshade Vegetables: How to Find Out If They're Bad for You - Dr. Axe
> 
> 
> Nightshade vegetables are completely healthy for most people, but for a few it can act as a immune response trigger similar to wheat or dairy.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> draxe.com


That's interesting. I was going to say but I eat a lot of tomatoes, but to be honest it has to be blended, like sauce, ketchup, or salsa with no chunks. The second I bite into a tomato I'll gag. Do have an autoimmune thing though. Interesting. 

Although, I love potatoes, just not sweet ones. 


On a side note, I figured out what's been ailing me lately. Clearly I've been infected with scants. 






I swear Doom Patrol is so bizarre. Lol!


----------



## Ms. Aligned

The Haunted Vibrator

Idk what the fuck just happened. So, back when Artie and I were a thing there was this funny time where I went to the market to stock up on BC, but didn't know what worked, so I ended up buying a smorgasbord of things, including, as a joke, a vibrator because I thought it was funny they even had one there. Thing has been sitting in my bed stand drawer. Almost forgot about it....until just now.

Swear to God, I'm sitting on the other side of the room at my computer desk doing more new hire paperwork. There are just a few forms that I'm completely stumped on, and I'm having to reach out to my old employer. The second I open up and start drafting the email, I hear a weird noise.

I look over, look at the dogs who are looking at the night stand. "Wtf?" So I get up, check, and sure enough. With no one around, no one touching it. It's not plugged into anything (one of those that charges and I'm surprised it even still had a charge). But there it is, in all its glory, just wiggling away. Not only that but it wouldn't immediately turn off. I had to push the button like 3 times and hold it to make it stop.

Where does my mind go? "What does this mean? I'm fucked?.......WHAT IS THE UNIVERSE TRYING TO TELL ME!!!!?!?!"

The funny thing is I actually woke up today thinking I felt less anxiety about Job A. That it was starting to seem "real" to me. Until that second.

Why would that do that!?!?!


----------



## Kintsugi

I didn't even read it, but I was waiting for Ms.A, Lmao


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Lol, sup.


----------



## Kintsugi

Ms. Aligned said:


> Lol, sup.


Do you like my profile pic, ii's me LOL

Actually been thinking about cutting all my hair off. Not sure though. Might need to get ur opinion


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Pretty!

I would say not to. People who tend to be attracted to your specific look, tend to include the hair with it. That said, it's your hair and you're free to do whatever you like that makes you happy. I'm sure you could wear all sorts of styles and still look beautiful.

But, I think that renaissance-ish, romantic vibe, works well for you from what I know about you.


----------



## Kintsugi

Like this?










Could not help it, LOL


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Kintsugi said:


> Like this?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Could not help it, LOL


Yup, your hair is like a big sex flag just waving all around. Lol!


----------



## Ssenptni

Ms. Aligned said:


> The Haunted Vibrator
> 
> Idk what the fuck just happened. So, back when Artie and I were a thing there was this funny time where I went to the market to stock up on BC, but didn't know what worked, so I ended up buying a smorgasbord of things, including, as a joke, a vibrator because I thought it was funny they even had one there. Thing has been sitting in my bed stand drawer. Almost forgot about it....until just now.
> 
> Swear to God, I'm sitting on the other side of the room at my computer desk doing more new hire paperwork. There are just a few forms that I'm completely stumped on, and I'm having to reach out to my old employer. The second I open up and start drafting the email, I hear a weird noise.
> 
> I look over, look at the dogs who are looking at the night stand. "Wtf?" So I get up, check, and sure enough. With no one around, no one touching it. It's not plugged into anything (one of those that charges and I'm surprised it even still had a charge). But there it is, in all its glory, just wiggling away. Not only that but it wouldn't immediately turn off. I had to push the button like 3 times and hold it to make it stop.
> 
> Where does my mind go? "What does this mean? I'm fucked?.......WHAT IS THE UNIVERSE TRYING TO TELL ME!!!!?!?!"
> 
> The funny thing is I actually woke up today thinking I felt less anxiety about Job A. That it was starting to seem "real" to me. Until that second.
> 
> Why would that do that!?!?!


Late Beethoven is peak INTJ. Memorize this piece (queued up to the 4th movement), then walking around with this in your head should resolve most mental difficulties.


----------



## Antiparticle

Ms. Aligned said:


> The Haunted Vibrator
> 
> Idk what the fuck just happened. So, back when Artie and I were a thing there was this funny time where I went to the market to stock up on BC, but didn't know what worked, so I ended up buying a smorgasbord of things, including, as a joke, a vibrator because I thought it was funny they even had one there. Thing has been sitting in my bed stand drawer. Almost forgot about it....until just now.
> 
> Swear to God, I'm sitting on the other side of the room at my computer desk doing more new hire paperwork. There are just a few forms that I'm completely stumped on, and I'm having to reach out to my old employer. The second I open up and start drafting the email, I hear a weird noise.
> 
> I look over, look at the dogs who are looking at the night stand. "Wtf?" So I get up, check, and sure enough. With no one around, no one touching it. It's not plugged into anything (one of those that charges and I'm surprised it even still had a charge). But there it is, in all its glory, just wiggling away. Not only that but it wouldn't immediately turn off. I had to push the button like 3 times and hold it to make it stop.
> 
> Where does my mind go? "What does this mean? I'm fucked?.......WHAT IS THE UNIVERSE TRYING TO TELL ME!!!!?!?!"
> 
> The funny thing is I actually woke up today thinking I felt less anxiety about Job A. That it was starting to seem "real" to me. Until that second.
> 
> Why would that do that!?!?!


I am processing similar thoughts about Job A (my own less stressful option), but my intuition is beyond this so I can’t help. Maybe it’s not a bad sign, but instead like an “enjoy it” sign? 😂

But I think we should both keep 2 job options just to be on the safe side. 😸

I am now kind of “insulted” about B reaction, so I am still waiting with checking/answering these emails.

Not a good idea and/or attitude if I want B option. 😸 I an trying to enter a lower stress mode where I can actually choose (reasonably).


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Antiparticle said:


> I am processing similar thoughts about Job A (my own less stressful option), but my intuition is beyond this so I can’t help. Maybe it’s not a bad sign, but instead like an “enjoy it” sign? 😂
> 
> But I think we should both keep 2 job options just to be on the safe side. 😸
> 
> I am now kind of “insulted” about B reaction, so I am still waiting with checking/answering these emails.
> 
> Not a good idea and/or attitude if I want B option. 😸 I an trying to enter a lower stress mode where I can actually choose (reasonably).


What did Job B do?


----------



## Antiparticle

Ms. Aligned said:


> What did Job B do?


Not much,both potential collaborators commented on my output lately (i.e. judging me between the lines), then I sent some projects (to the main person) I did in the meantime (invisible, but still good work), now I am not sure if this was a good move or now they think I am crazy. 😂

I have so many bad memories with this city and life direction, because of my ex relationship that ended there. It’s unrelated to this job, but kind of related because I was working back then with my ex in the same field. We started everything from scratch, then it started to get easier, and he broke up/took all the projects & collaborators for himself. I moved back to my previous city and started everything from scratch (2nd time). Many opportunities happened in the meantime, but I wasn’t serious about moving until now. So now it’s like I am going through all personal traumas while thinking about this project. 😂 Not sure I really want it or just want to “win” over past.

To be 100% fair they are kind of right to ask these additional questions (I have invisible part in my cv, and this person’s mentor is a Nobel prize winner 😂 ). This new project is not comparable to what me & my ex worked on. I am probably used to hard work in “muddy area” and this should be much easier with attractive options and good perspective for later.

Job A feels more like work with my own effort, in a nice way, with great similar minded people. Job B could be job opening new unreachable doors. I wonder why I don’t feel like it.

Probably I am 10000% sensitive on every minor comment, lol.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Ssenptni said:


> Late Beethoven is peak INTJ. Memorize this piece (queued up to the 4th movement), then walking around with this in your head should resolve most mental difficulties.


I love The Spring, almost gets a little punkish. Lol! 








Antiparticle said:


> Not much,both potential collaborators commented on my output lately (i.e. judging me between the lines), then I sent some projects (to the main person) I did in the meantime (invisible, but still good work), now I am not sure if this was a good move or now they think I am crazy. 😂
> 
> I have so many bad memories with this city and life direction, because of my ex relationship that ended there. It’s unrelated to this job, but kind of related because I was working back then with my ex in the same field. We started everything from scratch, then it started to get easier, and he broke up/took all the projects & collaborators for himself. I moved back to my previous city and started everything from scratch (2nd time). Many opportunities happened in the meantime, but I wasn’t serious about moving until now. So now it’s like I am going through all personal traumas while thinking about this project. 😂 Not sure I really want it or just want to “win” over past.


That's good you have that kind of insight into yourself to recognize the potential for wanting to "win" over the past, vs. if this is actually the right fit. I've been there before many times, and think I'm doing the same thing, however Job A is winning over the past, and Job B is....like a redo. I know I'd nail Job B, and vibe well with them, it's honestly just the logistics of it all (either having to commute or move an hour and a half away). I think maybe that's why I'm giving myself a constant bad feeling about Job A....secretly I'm worried that something will go wrong and I'll be forced into Job B by default. I've already made my choice. I'd prefer to stay local. If Job B could offer me a work home home option, it would be a fair compromise and that would change everything, however, I don't think they do/can. 

I love the people at Job A too. It's just different from where I came from so not as familiar, a lot of unknowns. But that doesn't automatically make them negative. Job A is filled with all kinds of opportunity as far as doing something different, so it's scary. Job B is the opportunity to pick up where I left off and do better this time. 

Ugh, why life gotta be so complicated?






Lol!


----------



## Ms. Aligned

I just realized I could never go to the moon, or Mars. As amazing as the photos are, I get a fear of heights while looking at them. 




























NT card revoked.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Okay this is the second time something moved by itself in my house with 0 recognition as to how it was accomplished. 

One of my papers starting moving randomly. It's a notification that something was delivered. Then again a second one if I didn't pick it up by 12.15.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Final notice and it's a certified letter. I only check my P.O. Box randomly...


----------



## Ms. Aligned




----------



## Ms. Aligned

Who are you and why are you sending me certified mail?


----------



## Ms. Aligned




----------



## Ms. Aligned




----------



## Ms. Aligned




----------



## Antiparticle

Ms. Aligned said:


> I love the people at Job A too. It's just different from where I came from so not as familiar, a lot of unknowns. But that doesn't automatically make them negative. Job A is filled with all kinds of opportunity as far as doing something different, so it's scary. Job B is the opportunity to pick up where I left off and do better this time.


This part is the same for my A and B.

Job A is like a new opportunity, offer I can’t refuse, everything “works”. I would have to start to become really paranoid to find problems. The topic of this project is fundamentals of human & AI intelligence (difficult to not be curious about it).

However B feels like: why are you not already in your workplace? What are you waiting?Candies and compliments? The topic is global catastrophic risks management - very vaguely speaking (very similar to job A lol).

It’s so obvious how I still have a weak spot for job B. 😸


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Okay! My haunted toy just did it again, what the actual fuck.....

I think I've manifested a poltergeist!



Antiparticle said:


> This part is the same for my A and B.
> 
> Job A is like a new opportunity, offer I can’t refuse, everything “works”. I would have to start to become really paranoid to find problems. The topic of this project is fundamentals of human & AI intelligence (difficult to not be curious about it).
> 
> However B feels like: why are you not already in your workplace? What are you waiting?Candies and compliments? The topic is global catastrophic risks management - very vaguely speaking (very similar to job A lol).
> 
> It’s so obvious how I still have a weak spot for job B. 😸


You do a lot of cool shit. Lol! Both of those sound really interesting!


----------



## Ms. Aligned

I just went out of curiosity and checked the time stamp on the original post and it's a longer post so probably took longer to type, but within 5 minutes of each other. So it happened at the EXACT same time of day. 

Seriously, what is this? Lol! I mean if it's malfunctioning, why at the same time every day. It's not plugged into anything that would cause any surges or anything. And if it is a ghost, why use this! There are plenty of other electronics in here. I mean I have an electric toothbrush. 

Seriously, this is just weird though.


----------



## Shodan

Ms. Aligned said:


> I just went out of curiosity and checked the time stamp on the original post and it's a longer post so probably took longer to type, but within 5 minutes of each other. So it happened at the EXACT same time of day.
> 
> Seriously, what is this? Lol! I mean if it's malfunctioning, why at the same time every day. It's not plugged into anything that would cause any surges or anything. And if it is a ghost, why use this! There are plenty of other electronics in here. I mean I have an electric toothbrush.
> 
> Seriously, this is just weird though.


Maybe it's got a built-in alarm 🤷‍♂️ "hello, it's time for your daily scheduled... errm... yeah"


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Shodan said:


> Maybe it's got a built-in alarm 🤷‍♂️ "hello, it's time for your daily scheduled... errm... yeah"


Lol! I don't think it's that fancy. This is seriously freaking weird though. Lmao! 

I NEED an explanation for this. Lol! Otherwise I'm interpreting it as the universe wants me to get fucked. Which would be SO like it!


----------



## mimesis

Ms. Aligned said:


> That's interesting. I was going to say but I eat a lot of tomatoes, but to be honest it has to be blended, like sauce, ketchup, or salsa with no chunks. The second I bite into a tomato I'll gag. Do have an autoimmune thing though. Interesting.
> 
> Although, I love potatoes, just not sweet ones.


I checked google images, because in my recollection sweet potatoes are usually prepared and served with skin. According to a website, the highest concentration of the toxic alkoid solanine is found in the skin of the potatoe. Not sure if it's the same for sweet potatoes. But skinning before cooking removes 70% of the alkoids. For me I don't think skinning sweet potatoes would matter, I don't particularly like them anyway anywhere near how I love potatoes. 

Also I've learned (not from experience) not to eat potatoes that turn green, so it only needs to be exposed to light for some time to become toxic. The alkoids function as an insecticide. 

Recently I was reading a recipe that instructed removing the seed list of the courgette (zucchini). Which I never had even considered doing. And still don't. On the other hand, I've always removed the seeds and membrames of a pepper bell, but I've become even a lot more thorough, since I read that a single seed can be enough for someone to get real sick. 

With blended tomatoes I think you refer to the food processor that can make it blend with other vegetables or fruits. But that depends on how you put it in the blender, no? I mean with regards to the seeds. 

What I can buy in the store that looks like they're blended, is translated as 'sieved tomatoes', usually in a carton pack, which are cooked and then sieved to filter out skin, seeds and seedlist. I suspect that's what makes the difference for you, and perhaps you could eat other nightshades as well if you seed and skin them. You can skin/peel bell peppers when you roast them on a grill. 



Ms. Aligned said:


> On a side note, I figured out what's been ailing me lately. Clearly I've been infected with scants.
> 
> Media
> 
> I swear Doom Patrol is so bizarre. Lol!


If you're intolerant to the natural insecticide, maybe that means you is the scants? 

Not sure I've seen Doom Patrol. I did see a superheroes series a while ago when I visited a friend but I forgot the name. It was very graphic and gore at times (bodily fluids). And certain superpowers looked like you're hallucinating on acid.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

mimesis said:


> I checked google images, because in my recollection sweet potatoes are usually prepared and served with skin. According to a website, the highest concentration of the toxic alkoid solanine is found in the skin of the potatoe. Not sure if it's the same for sweet potatoes. But skinning before cooking removes 70% of the alkoids. For me I don't think skinning sweet potatoes would matter, I don't particularly like them anyway anywhere near how I love potatoes.
> 
> Also I've learned (not from experience) not to eat potatoes that turn green, so it only needs to be exposed to light for some time to become toxic. The alkoids function as an insecticide.
> 
> Recently I was reading a recipe that instructed removing the seed list of the courgette (zucchini). Which I never had even considered doing. And still don't. On the other hand, I've always removed the seeds and membrames of a pepper bell, but I've become even a lot more thorough, since I read that a single seed can be enough for someone to get real sick.
> 
> With blended tomatoes I think you refer to the food processor that can make it blend with other vegetables or fruits. But that depends on how you put it in the blender, no? I mean with regards to the seeds.
> 
> What I can buy in the store that looks like they're blended, is translated as 'sieved tomatoes', usually in a carton pack, which are cooked and then sieved to filter out skin, seeds and seedlist. I suspect that's what makes the difference for you, and perhaps you could eat other nightshades as well if you seed and skin them. You can skin/peel bell peppers when you roast them on a grill.
> 
> 
> 
> If you're intolerant to the natural insecticide, maybe that means you is the scants?
> 
> Not sure I've seen Doom Patrol. I did see a superheroes series a while ago when I visited a friend but I forgot the name. It was very graphic and gore at times (bodily fluids). And certain superpowers looked like you're hallucinating on acid.


Hm, that's interesting. I think maybe it's just my body telling me I wouldn't like it. Like I said, tomato sauce and stuff doesn't bother me, but if I bite into a piece of tomato I'll automatically gag. Even tiny bits. Like, idk if you've ever had a McDonald's sausage burrito, but it gives an idea of how small the piece can be for me want to puke the second I bite it.










Those are such tiny pieces, and I have to pick them all out. Lol. So my body is just like, don't even try it. And yeah, I blend imported san marzanos, and put them in the blender so there are no chunks. 

And I think you're right, I AM the scant. You've all been infected. Give me your umajelly!!!!

TV show was maybe Legion?


----------



## Ms. Aligned

My dogs are funny. The male one, when he wants pets will come up and push everything out the way and lay on my lap like, "Paint me like one of your French girls." Just spawls out and is like, "Pet me."

The female will just walk up to me, stare, and growl. Like, "Bitch, get the ears....NOW." Lol!

Alright figured out the last of what I needed to for my new hire paperwork so should have the rest of it done and submitted today. Less than a week until orientation, and nothing else (after this is submitted) to do but wait. I'm nervous but I can also tell I'm snapping out of my incessant need to keep up my adrenaline and energy, and am returning back to normal. Like just naturally transitioning. This is why I don't force myself to do things when I'm not feeling it anymore. Because everything just naturally resolves on its own when the time is right. Slowly learning to trust myself.

Sometimes I feel like the bandage guy on Doom Patrol. Like I have two separate consciousnesses occupying my body. My brain vs. the rest of me, and the interests don't always...align. Huh.

I've completely lived in a chaotic fantasy world lately. No schedules, spewing my craziness everywhere, everything with Artie, which looking back, I was definitely delusional about. Like I yelled out, "Negative spirit, RELEASE!" Lol! 

Yesterday I actually slept almost the entire day. Ah well, couldn't last forever. Otherwise I'd probably end up like Amy Winehouse, or in jail or some shit.

On a side note, I've been fantasizing about Artie because it's been a while. Given his patterns of interacting, if I had been completely wrong, he would have reached out by now to fix the misunderstanding. But again, and I know I've posted this before. At least the thought of him being married is keeping me from reaching out to him.

It's just....why did he have to stick around just long enough for me to miss our "routine". I swear he pavloved my ass. Certain sounds, certain days, if it's raining....all makes me think of him, and we only hooked up for what about 4.5 months?

I just don't know what the point of any of it was.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

I misunderstood Job B when they reached out to me with a start date. Thought they said January 29th, which was perfect. Would give me time to see what happens with Job A and still give plenty of notice to decline if needed. But I misunderstood. She wanted me to start tomorrow. HOWEVER, she miscalculated something and reached out to me to let me know it would be pushed back a bit, but they're expediting everything. Then she stated, "We need you here, Ms. Aligned!"

God I feel like such an asshole. And now, both start dates are within 3 days of each other. Idk what to do. I've prioritized Job A, but I don't want to give up on B yet. I hate being forced into something before I'm ready to commit. Feels like when people are walking across an imaginary bridge where the steps manifest under their feet but not until after they've stepped off past the point of no return.

I don't have that level of trust!!!!

I just realized I'm sitting here, holding my breath, trying to think really fucking hard. I do not want to make the wrong decision. Watch me go with Job A and end up with nothing because both fall through.

At this point I feel like I'm just straight up (potentially) lying to Job B, and they've been so nice.


----------



## Antiparticle

Don’t overthink, remember prepandemic times - for me pre-pandemic both A & B would be nothing special. Things definitely changed during pandemic in terms of opportunities. But the jobs are probably the same - not very exciting.

Btw you can ask for an extended starting date for B?


----------



## Shodan

Ms. Aligned said:


> At this point I feel like I'm just straight up (potentially) lying to Job B, and they've been so nice.


If you meant that a recruiter or someone was nice, well it's their job to make you feel that way. There's no such thing as "nice" when it comes to business, no room for emotions, you don't owe them anything just because they were "nice". If you're going to choose between one or the other, go for the one that pays you the most amount of money for your time.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Antiparticle said:


> Don’t overthink, remember prepandemic times - for me pre-pandemic both A & B would be nothing special. Things definitely changed during pandemic in terms of opportunities. But the jobs are probably the same - not very exciting.
> 
> Btw you can ask for an extended starting date for B?


Good point, sounds like it's beer o'clock.

I could potentially ask for an extension to the start date, but I feel like that's more stringing them along, especially given that they're stressing the urgency. I almost feel like I should give Job B a heads up that I'm entertaining another offer, so they can have a plan B in case I drop out of the running, but I don't know if that's the wisest decision. They might just be like, fuck it, we'll go with someone who WANTS to be here then and not waste our time!



Shodan said:


> If you meant that a recruiter or someone was nice, well it's their job to make you feel that way. There's no such thing as "nice" when it comes to business, no room for emotions, you don't owe them anything just because they were "nice". If you're going to choose between one or the other, go for the one that pays you the most amount of money for your time.


It's not a recruiter. I've been communicating solely with the Director so far, who would be my new direct boss. Job B pays more in the long term since it's an automatic promotion after one year, but most of that raise would go to gas. Right now Job A pays more, but they're starting me out at close to the max for the position, however after being there for a year, I could look at other possible promotion opportunities. I just don't know the structure of the company as much, so need to get in there to figure out how everything works before coming up with a next steps plan. That's why Job A is so...uncertain, and Job B, I know exactly what I'm getting myself into.

I'm mostly looking at quality of life right now since I think both have potential, and I can easily do the work of either. When I think of a typical day in the life of Job A (start to finish) it has a clear priority over Job B.

Job A is such a good opportunity for me to make real, substantial, long overdue changes.

Why does Job A have to be on vacation for the holidays? I feel like such a simp right now. Did I use that term correctly?

VALIDATE ME! REASSURE ME! TELL ME YOU REALLY DO WANT ME! LOOOOOVE ME!

Ugh, not only that but two of my last supervisors reached out to me to let me know they'd been contacted by Job B and just sang my praises. One of them was all, "She really likes you. It was more like she was doing the call as a formality and knew you were already hired." 

ASSHOLE!

CLEARLY, I don't have a lot of experience having to juggle two good opportunities because I have no experience with this and feel like a complete dumbass little lying simp right about now. Lol!


----------



## Shodan

Ms. Aligned said:


> It's not a recruiter. I've been communicating solely with the Director so far, who would be my new direct boss. Job B pays more in the long term since it's an automatic promotion after one year, but most of that raise would go to gas. Right now Job A pays more, but they're starting me out at close to the max for the position, however after being there for a year, I could look at other possible promotion opportunities. I just don't know the structure of the company as much, so need to get in there to figure out how everything works before coming up with a next steps plan. That's why Job A is so...uncertain, and Job B, I know exactly what I'm getting myself into.
> 
> I'm mostly looking at quality of life right now since I think both have potential, and I can easily do the work of either. When I think of a typical day in the life of Job A (start to finish) it has a clear priority over Job B.
> 
> Job A is such a good opportunity for me to make real, substantial, long overdue changes.
> 
> Why does Job A have to be on vacation for the holidays? I feel like such a simp right now. Did I use that term correctly?
> 
> VALIDATE ME! REASSURE ME! TELL ME YOU REALLY DO WANT ME! LOOOOOVE ME!
> 
> Ugh, not only that but two of my last supervisors reached out to me to let me know they'd been contacted by Job B and just sang my praises. One of them was all, "She really likes you. It was more like she was doing the call as a formality and knew you were already hired."
> 
> ASSHOLE!
> 
> CLEARLY, I don't have a lot of experience having to juggle two good opportunities because I have no experience with this and feel like a complete dumbass little lying simp right about now. Lol!


Hm. Just generally speaking because I don't have all of the details, B feels like a better option. Among other things, certainty / security is important when it comes to work.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Shodan said:


> Hm. Just generally speaking because I don't have all of the details, B feels like a better option. Among other things, certainty / security is important when it comes to work.


B takes me away from my family. Sitting on my ass all day long with long days and a minimum 3 hour daily commute. Meaning I'll be up and gone from 5am and not getting home until about 7pm every night. Or, I would move to another city, which I know would prompt my kids to make a case to live with their father instead. So stress stress stress. 

Job A is local, every other week is work from home, and even if I moved to be closer, I would still be in the same city. Gives me more time to work out (because sitting on your ass that many hours a day is not healthy), do things beside just work all week and crash on the weekends trying to catch up on sleep. Job A also offers overtime. So if I am working longer days, I'm getting paid time and a half for it. With Job B that's just a typical day, every day....forever.....


----------



## Shodan

Ms. Aligned said:


> B takes me away from my family. Sitting on my ass all day long with long days and a minimum 3 hour daily commute. Meaning I'll be up and gone from 5am and not getting home until about 7pm every night. Or, I would move to another city, which I know would prompt my kids to make a case to live with their father instead. So stress stress stress.
> 
> Job A is local, every other week is work from home, and even if I moved to be closer, I would still be in the same city. Gives me more time to work out (because sitting on your ass that many hours a day is not healthy), do things beside just work all week and crash on the weekends trying to catch up on sleep. Job A also offers overtime. So if I am working longer days, I'm getting paid time and a half for it. With Job B that's just a typical day, every day....forever.....


OK, that makes it entirely different. 3-hour commute?! 5 am - 7 pm?!? LMAO yeah, how about no. I'd only ever opt for something like that if the pay was twice the amount compared to the other place.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Shodan said:


> OK, that makes it entirely different. 3-hour commute?! 5 am - 7 pm?!? LMAO yeah, how about no. I'd only ever opt for something like that if the pay was twice the amount compared to the other place.


Yeah that's why I've been so worried about Job A....it means more than just a job. Job B is also a fantastic opportunity and better than no opportunity at all. Idk...


----------



## Ms. Aligned

I don't think my brain is working too well today. I think it's honestly exhausted from uncertainty. I'm sure the beer isn't helping but I'm just like....duuuuuuuuu........

Posted in the favorite gods thread then realized it asked why, and I'm just all....because I said so. That's why! Duuuuuuu......

There used to be this show back in the day called Gerhard Reinke's Wanderlust which was like a travel mocumentary. There is this one episode where he goes to Mexico and someone does that thing where they pour tequilla down his mouth and shake his head a lot. Then it cuts to this screen where he's standing on a dance floor and just drooling. That, is honestly, what I feel like right now. Lol! 

I think it was Mexico, but could be wrong. Either way, fucking hilarious show.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

:00000

Job B just called. They started me off at the promoted pay grade due to my experience and bypassed the other shit. So no one year until promotion. 

FUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKK

Now this is a legit promotion. 

_cries_


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Fuck I just don't know. 

Back in the early 90s when chat rooms first existed, I was in a philosophy one and someone asked the question, "Would you rather climb a short difficult wall, or a an easy but very long one?" My response, Idk why I remember this, "I'd just sit down." To which one person said, "You might be smarter than all of us." Lol! 

Idk why that popped in my head, but it's exactly what I'm feeling. Like, just sit down and do nothing. It's going to do it for you. The decision will be made for you, and you're wasting mental energy thinking otherwise.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

What if Job B knows something I don't? What if this a Milo vs. Artie thing?

I literally just burst into tears. I just want to do the right thing. I'm so....tired...

I feel like this is just ambition vs. family. I don't know what is left of either right now.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

I've only been this indecisive like once or twice.....once. In my entire life.

It's very uncomfortable.


----------



## Shodan

Ms. Aligned said:


> I've only been this indecisive like once or twice.....once. In my entire life.


Lol, lucky you. The opposite of that is my existence.

Perhaps you should see this from a different perspective: you don't have just one, but two very good options. That alone is amazing and obviously better than having no options at all, so there's no reason to feel bad about it.

You could also try and take all of these things that are inside your head - out. Write down all the pros and cons for each option, and assign a point value to each pro / con (where cons would get a negative value, like -1, -2 etc.). Then, just go with the one that gets a higher total.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Shodan said:


> Lol, lucky you. The opposite of that is my existence.
> 
> Perhaps you should see this from a different perspective: you don't have just one, but two very good options. That alone is amazing and obviously better than having no options at all, so there's no reason to feel bad about it.
> 
> You could also try and take all of these things that are inside your head - out. Write down all the pros and cons for each option, and assign a point value to each pro / con (where cons would get a negative value, like -1, -2 etc.). Then, just go with the one that gets a higher total.


I have, already in this this thread. The point scale just tipped with the new offer. This tops out at 20k more than my old job. 

I'm just thinking, would I pay 20 k more a year, just to see, and be an actual part of my kid's lives. Except they're over 18 within less than a year. So...Also, oddly enough, just looked it up and rent in the area is a SHIT LOAD cheaper than rent in my neighborhood. The fuck?

Do I go where I'm needed? Or do I stay where I hope to be some day?

I didn't puke, neither did my dogs (they're outside). Looking around I have no idea why the smell of vomit just encased my nostrils.


----------



## Shodan

Ms. Aligned said:


> I'm just thinking, would I pay 20 k more a year, just to see, and be an actual part of my kid's lives. Except they're over 18 within less than a year. So...Also, oddly enough, just looked it up and rent in the area is a SHIT LOAD cheaper than rent in my neighborhood. The fuck?


People in general should try to be closer with their kids, not move away from them. Money has little importance when it comes to that. I mean, OK... I am probably biased, because I am permanently separated from my own.


----------



## Ms. Aligned




----------



## Ms. Aligned




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## Ms. Aligned




----------



## Ms. Aligned

This is the best music rabbit hole I've ever been down. Lol Ohhhh Let it BE!


----------



## Ms. Aligned

.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

I thought waking up this morning I would have more clarity. 

I, was wrong.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

It is way too early to be craving pizza, and yet. Here we are....


----------



## Ms. Aligned

I totally forgot how hilarious the panda cheese commercials are. Lmao.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Omg, watching The Circle on Netflix (don't judge), and I'm not one to get emotionally involved or root for people, but Marvin is absolutely adorable. I am totally here for this thing between him and Raven. #cutestcoupleevar


That hashtag is me pretending I talk online like the people on this show do. #werd 🔥🔥🔥


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Omg the look on Raven's translator's face when he doesn't agree with her decision to trust Brittney, but you can tell he can't say anything. 

This show is seriously my guilty pleasure. And the whole time, "the circle" is just fucking with all of them. Lmao. It's so sadistic.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

The chances of Job B scheduling my background stuff on the same day as my orientation next week are high. Not just 20% (1 of 5 days), but looking at the pattern, fact they're expediting, but also need to give me some notice first. 

I think I did come to a decision though. Job B really threw me off with their offer and the automatic promotion. More money. Still considering everything I was before but then added this to counter the inclusion of the pros for Job B. 

Counter, if I'm getting THIS stressed out over two job offers that I'm making myself sick with worry, then that's probably a very strong sign that I need to back off and take the simpler road for a while, even if it is less prestigious. 

I actually don't think I have much of a choice as I think. Looking back over these last few months, I think I actually had a "meltdown". I completely burned my entire life to the ground, and exploded with craziness. It's been a while so I forgot what it felt like, but looking at what I was willing to sacrifice before to make changes and have a better work/life balance, leads me to believe, I *need* to take Job A. At least for a while. 

I need low key stability to make permanent life changes instead of treating this like a mini vacation and jumping right back in to the same scenario. That's what I've done my entire life, and what brought me to this moment to begin with.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Since I've come to this realization I've had a new calm wash over me. It "feels" settled now in my mind. I'm picking Job A, because it's what's best for me and my family. If they'll still have me. I know they're not aware of all the craziness I've been feeling lately but I think it tends to seep out. So, I'm just worried that I came off as a nutter and they're going to rescind the offer. _fingers crossed_ Still nervous but not the same way. I feel calm about it. 

The only thing Job B could do at this point is offer working from home, which would put it in the more preferable position, but I don't think that's even a possibility. So it has been determined. 

If all else fails, I still have Job B to fall back on, and can work that while still applying for positions closer to home. It's going to suck turning down Job B, because honestly the supervisor is awesome, but if I don't pick Job A, then I lost complete sight of the original goal. 

Everything is going to be fine.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Woot woot, was able to schedule my physical for the day after my orientation for Job A. By then it should be perfectly clear what's happening because I'm either starting work the following Monday, or I am not. I'll know for sure for sure, by the end of the day on the 3rd actually. The only reason I'm not sure now is because my last convo with their HR was kind of funky, so it made me think I screwed up. 

If I know for a fact that I'm starting the following week, I'll be able to call, decline, and cancel before going too far in the process for Job B and wasting their time. If not, I'll know for a fact and can focus all my efforts on Job B without them knowing about this little dilemma. Finished my new hire tasks for Job B so, again for now....we wait. 

I'm actually starting to get excited. Or rather, I'm starting to get small glimpses of what life is going to be like working for Job A in the future, which is a good thing.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Joe Black said:


> What I think I look like:
> View attachment 913589
> 
> 
> What my ID / Driver's Licence Photo looks like:
> View attachment 913590
> 
> 
> I'm guessing ID photos are meant to make everyone consistently look like guilty criminals.
> "Hmm... not guilty looking enough... more guilt, more guilt... imagine you're a convicted felon.... BEAUTIFUL! ....911, gotcha perp!"


Lol! Oddly enough, when I lived in Los Angeles, my DL pic was gorgeous. They pulled the camera back some. It must be an LA thing. Everyone else zooms in on your face so it's all big, at the worst angle, with the worst light. Like I may as well have been holding a flashlight under my chin. 

On a side note, how is sliced roast beef more expensive per lb. than fucking tenderloin?


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Ended up going to bed early last night. Woke up this morning to.....

Missed calls from Artie, and his father. 

Started off with his father leaving a message saying he wanted to talk to me about a few things, the new year, etc. Then two voicemails from Artie that just sounded like he was really overwhelmed (or drunk, I'm sure), saying the same thing over again. "Idk, idk, idk, idk." In both the voicemails he told me he misses me. And in the second one he ended with, "Look, I miss you....._low voice_ you don't miss me....that's okay.....Okay.....OKAY!," and sounded like he was holding back, then finally bust out in, sobs on the last okay and just hung up....

Whaaaaaat the actual fuck am I supposed to do with that? 

I miss him too, but isn't he supposed to be married? And this isn't a great way to solve a conflict caused by poor communication. Idk if he was trying to do something sweet by surprising me, most likely wanting to hang out at 10pm on New Year's eve, but I never picked up. Again if he would have given me some notice, I could have been prepared. 

I imagine if he were married he'd be spending that time with his wife/husband....Unless they work in the medical field or something where they are notorious for working holidays. 

Let's entertain the idea that I was wrong about him being married. That doesn't change how that night went, or that I told him I had feelings for him and he basically ignored it. Actually, lets not entertain that idea. Why would I want to do that when it puts me back in the same exact uncertain place, where I have no idea what this dude is thinking?

Like it's not really friends, it's not really benefits, it's not really about sex only at all, but it's also not a relationship. What, the actual, fuck, IS it?!?! I couldn't synch with him into a routine that made us both comfortable, so what's the point?

It's been over a decade since a man has cried about me though. Last person was my ex husband when we first separated. Can't say it wasn't ridiculously heartbreaking to hear. Wtf Artie, if I was wrong you should have put your ego aside and trusted me. Or at least cared enough to want me to not think that. You should have explained things better so something didn't just seem off. 

It's like you took the encounters to 90% intimate, and whenever I would try to bridge that last 10% gap, instead of coming together, I was just led to doubt the other 90% of the time spent. 

I'm sorry if I got it wrong. I'm sorry if I acted like a bitch and door slammed you for nothing. But it wasn't for nothing, you fucking oaf. It was because you were fucking with my head and thus by default, my feelings. 

You cannot say, I didn't almost beg you to be clearer. 

Anyway, text Artie back just saying he sounded rough last night and asking if he was okay. Text his dad back saying I went to bed early and wishing him and his family a happy new year. 

Madone....didn't they have a hand emoji that looked like the Italian gesture with all the finger tips pressed together. Whatever, insert it in your imagination. Lol! 

....Sigh....


----------



## Kintsugi

Artie's back?!


----------



## Shodan

People tend to say all sorts of (mostly insincere / spur of the moment kind of) things when they're inebriated.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Kintsugi said:


> Artie's back?!


He's not back. Whole thing reminds me of this scene from The Godfather. 






Not that I'm at all against men showing emotions (quite the opposite actually), but don't do *nothing* and then cry about it later. Like, if your feelings are true, this isn't going to be fixed by my feeling bad for you. It's only going to be fixed if you step up, and fix what the problem is. So, other than him expressing a little emotion. This tells me nothing, answers none of my questions at all, and changes nothing. 

You feel like shit, yeah so do I....and have this entire time. Like every time I was drunk and wanted to reach out to you, but couldn't/wouldn't because you seem like you're fucking MARRIED! Ugh!

_kicks a puppy_

It's a hypothetical puppy, it's fine.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Shodan said:


> People tend to say all sorts of (mostly insincere / spur of the moment kind of) things when they're inebriated.


Exactly, the only redeeming quality to this situation was that it was done on a holiday typically reserved for spending it with a SO or someone you care about, and not some random Tuesday. As I assume if he were in a relationship, that his attention would have been focused on them instead.


----------



## Shodan

Ms. Aligned said:


> Exactly, the only redeeming quality to this situation was that it was done on a holiday typically reserved for spending it with a SO or someone you care about, and not some random Tuesday. As I assume if he were in a relationship, that his attention would have been focused on them instead.


Yeah, but it's exactly that kind of holidays when people get drunk so much, they resort to that sort of texting (don't ask how I know this, OK). Let's say that your hunch was right and that he is in fact in a relationship - maybe he had a row with his SO, got drunk, then remembered you. Besides, why did he wait this long to contact you?


----------



## Kintsugi

@Ms. Aligned 

Was gonna say....a bit late for that?


----------



## Shodan

Anyway, obviously there are still feelings there on your end and it sucks when things are unresolved and you end up doubting and rethinking everything, including your own judgement. It's painful to be tangled up like that, not having any definitive resolution. If you still care that much, maybe you should do some sleuthing and find out for sure whether he's actually married or not.


----------



## shameless

I think you should run

But what do I know


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Shodan said:


> ...(don't ask how I know this, OK)...


Lol!

Yeah really good points. The sob in the voicemail was 100% genuine though. Gah. But he did sound extremely drunk.




Kintsugi said:


> @Ms. Aligned
> 
> Was gonna say....a bit late for that?


Idk if it's too late for him. But at this point, he's still done nothing to move things forward, so it still doesn't matter.



Shodan said:


> Anyway, obviously there are still feelings there on your end and it sucks when things are unresolved and you end up doubting and rethinking everything, including your own judgement. It's painful to be tangled up like that, not having any definitive resolution. If you still care that much, *maybe you should do some sleuthing and find out for sure whether he's actually married or not.*


That is beneath me, and if that's what it would take to be with him, I wouldn't want him anyway. Not the kind of relationship I want to have, or person I want to be.



shameless said:


> I think you should run
> 
> But what do I know


Part of me knows this, the other part wishes I'd picked up the phone last night and spent the night with him. Stupid "feelings".



His father texted back. Lol, so much for thinking everyone would be sleeping in with hangovers. Lol! He asked me how things were going between his son and I, said Artie suggested he reach out to me. That he was coming into the area to visit next week, and wanted to know if we could all hang out and sent a pic of the last time we all hung out together.

I responded back that it was a fun night! But also, that Artie is kind of secretive which gave me the impression he was in a relationship, and that we haven't spoken for a few weeks with a shrug emoji. I really don't know what else to say. Maybe his dad can give him some "man" advice or something.

Look, I know Artie isn't perfect by any means...I mean, well....some part.....nope, okay but look. He's given me some opportunities in the past to grow and not have consequences for my "crazy". I can at least give him the same kindness (especially, actually only, if I made incorrect assumptions). It's just up to him whether he wants to take it or not. But this is also on him. Because if I ever found out he was married or in a relationship, and blatantly lied to me....

That's when I go straight Girl From Nowhere on people's asses.


----------



## Shodan

Ms. Aligned said:


> Lol!
> 
> Yeah really good points. The sob is the voicemail was 100% genuine though. Gah. But he did sound extremely drunk.


Yeah, I also said "texting" when you were talking about voicemail, so I outed myself even further 😂



> That is beneath me, and if that's what it would take to be with him, I wouldn't want him anyway. Not the kind of relationship I want to have, or person I want to be.


It doesn't have to be about that, it's for your own peace of mind.

dude, if you don't want to get your hands dirty I'll do it for you if you want me to, this ain't beneath me



> He asked me how things were going between his son and I, said Artie suggested he reach out to me.


OK, this is another one of those "don't ask me how I know this" things. This is a very, very, very desperate measure and a possible sign that he does actually care.


----------



## Kintsugi

Gosh, human relationships are confusing.

Feeling kinda relieved that I've accepted my fate as a forever single wild woman; destined to live in a crooked treehouse with her many dogs (& imaginary friends) for company.


----------



## OrchidSugar

People usually do sincerely talk about the person they have feelings for when they are drunk. But the problem is Artie cannot sustain that level of tenderness while sober. Presumably a relationship must be lived mostly sober.

I was just saying this about traditional families and people butting in. The dad probably sees you as the ideal daughter in law, so he’s playing wing man for his son. Although from what I remember, he’s not exactly the monogamous type either. Artie’s probably terrified of turning into his father, and the dad is probably hoping he can do one good meaningful thing for his son because he maybe wasn’t the best role model. (I know I’m intuiting here). 

Even though you empathetically understand, doesn’t mean you have to keep putting up with his hot and cold act. Oh and the dad sending you that photo? So manipulative! But good thing you are having a positive effect on Artie’s life, forcing him to confront his repressed issues. But what effect is he having on yours? When can he make a commitment and ever be vulnerable enough to have real sustained intimacy?


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Shodan said:


> Yeah, I also said "texting" when you were talking about voicemail, so I outed myself even further 😂


Lol!


Shodan said:


> It doesn't have to be about that, it's for your own peace of mind.
> 
> dude, if you don't want to get your hands dirty I'll do it for you if you want me to, this ain't beneath me


Thing about this is, if he is married, it will come out anyway. Only at that point, he would be very sorry he lied to me. If he's not, my going this route won't change or fix anything. The only thing that would change any of this, is having a deep, honest, heartfelt conversation, where he's able to clear up any and all misunderstandings. Otherwise I'll just think, "Well if he's not married, what is it then? Does he do porn? Is that why he's always working nights?" Etc. 

The whole marriage thing was a symptom. Treating the symptom won't cure the problem. Only one thing will, complete and total honesty, and stepping up to have that conversation like the adult man that you are. 



Shodan said:


> OK, this is another one of those "don't ask me how I know this" things. This is a very, very, very desperate measure and a possible sign that he does actually care.


 

Yeah, did a quick mental run down and this is the third time a man has asked a family member to reach out to me. The first two were very emotionally charged situations....Like, when I initially asked my ex husband for a divorce.


----------



## OrchidSugar

He just used your feminine sensibilities as a reverse uno card, sending you a nostalgic photo on a major holiday to ring in the new year ahead. Wow, he is literally trying to glimmer you and make you envision the three of you as a family lol. The old man must want grandkids or something 😂. He needs to teach his son how to be a stable, dependable figure first before he starts selling people cookie cutter dreams and visions of sugar faeries.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Kintsugi said:


> Gosh, human relationships are confusing.
> 
> Feeling kinda relieved that I've accepted my fate as a forever single wild woman; destined to live in a crooked treehouse with her many dogs (& imaginary friends) for company.


Yeah, that's what I thought too. 🤣


OrchidSugar said:


> People usually do sincerely talk about the person they have feelings for when they are drunk. *But the problem is Artie cannot sustain that level of tenderness while sober. Presumably a relationship must be lived mostly sober.*
> 
> I was just saying this about traditional families and people butting in. The dad probably sees you as the ideal daughter in law, so he’s playing wing man for his son. Although from what I remember, he’s not exactly the monogamous type either. Artie’s probably terrified of turning into his father, and the dad is probably hoping he can do one good meaningful thing for his son because he maybe wasn’t the best role model. (I know I’m intuiting here).
> 
> Even though you empathetically understand, doesn’t mean you have to keep putting up with his hot and cold act. Oh and the dad sending you that photo? So manipulative! But good thing you are having a positive effect on Artie’s life, forcing him to confront his repressed issues. But what effect is he having on yours? When can he make a commitment and ever be vulnerable enough to have real sustained intimacy?


Highlighted in the first paragraph because that pretty much says it all. And that's not just him, that's me too.

In the second paragraph though, that would indicate (although not in an ideal way) that he does have genuine feelings.

Idk, with my ex husband who I think is ESFP, one of my complaints about him was I couldn't tell sometimes if he was being mean, or was just stupid. Like are you being hurtful by withholding information or not communicating clearly because it's intentional? Or, do you just really not understand how this effects me?

And this is now the 3rd time this morning I've made associations between Artie and my ex husband. That right there should be the biggest red flag of them all.

Ugh, then I just pictured giving him a big hug though and I started to tear up. Fuck this. I think I will get drunk today. It's kind of my last day to, because then tomorrow I can rest up and get ready for the week, then it's go time with work anyway. GAH! Now I just thought, "If job A ends up working out."

It's too much uncertainty all at the same time.

Does....not....compute......system override....beep boop.....🤯


----------



## Ms. Aligned

OrchidSugar said:


> He just used your feminine sensibilities as a reverse uno card, sending you a nostalgic photo on a major holiday to ring in the new year ahead. Wow, he is literally trying to glimmer you and make you envision the three of you as a family lol. The old man must want grandkids or something 😂. He needs to teach his son how to be a stable, dependable figure first before he starts selling people cookie cutter dreams and visions of sugar faeries.


Lol, dad doesn't scare me.  He's typical ESTP. They love me.....when we're not dating. Lol! I am well aware of their charming ways. 🤣

Edit: Lol, I feel like after posting this, Shameless is going to run in here and kick my ass. 

_hides behind a chair_


----------



## OrchidSugar

Should’ve known this was an older male ESTP lol. Very convincing showmen. They will just direct your attention to whatever they want you to see. Aladdin vibes


----------



## shameless

I find it amusing. He totally sounds like an old dude ESTP to me. 

Fucken meddling in his sons affairs. Like Orchid said to right his life wrongs.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

I'm nervous about what's going to happen tomorrow. If everything is going to be okay. Running through all the what if's like what if it's not. I think with everything that's happened today, I'm already not expecting an easy year. 

Against my better judgement, I did end up doing some internet sleuthing on Artie. I don't think he is married, but that doesn't mean he's not in a relationship, or that there's not something else he's not telling me. Then after reading Shodan's post in his blog, I kind of feel bad about how aggressive the text I sent him this morning was....

But that's what happens when you feel like you're not being heard, right? You get louder, Louder, LOUDER. Not saying that the reaction was appropriate for the situation, I was just fucking pissed, and overwhelmed. That's what happens when I get overwhelmed, I feel like I release an energy bubble around me that just pushes everything away, and simplifies everything around me. 

Like I just need one thing to be both good and solid (no uncertainty). I feel like I don't have any anchors right now. I think that will change once I'm working but then it goes back to but yeah, which job? And, but what if?

And then with Artie, I gave him the opportunity yesterday. He didn't want to take it. Why keep reaching out to me with this feeling bullshit then? Like, I don't know how many times I said, I was fine with a casual sex thing, but for those to be successful, you can't go mixing in feelings. 

It's like dating an energy vampire or something. Like do some people use others for feels the way that some people just use others for sex sometimes?

I'm changing Artie's name to Colin Robinson. 

You know, that's fine if that's what you're into, but I don't think an NT sx woman would be ideal for that scenario...Just sayin.


----------



## Ms. Aligned

What the actual fuck? Just received texts from Colin's dad saying that Colin wants us to get to know each other and repeating that he'll be in the area next week. Then he asked how I felt about the three of us meeting up...

I feel like I am in a different reality than everyone right now. 

What?

Are even they not talking to each other? Am I so removed from reality that I'm not seeing some social cues or something? 

Anyway, that's a hard pass, regardless of what I feel about it. If I'm starting a new job next week that's priority. I have a feeling they would want to drink, and I'm not planning on doing that for a while. Yeah, there is no fucking way I would face that situation without alcohol as a social buffer. So regardless it's a hard no, but also......what? I want to be like, "Dude, your son has sent me three one line texts and two drunk voicemails over the last 3 weeks. This seems a little heavy for that kind of 'relationship'." 

Idk if I did the punctuation on that correctly, but I don't really care, because.....what?


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Whaaaaaaat? 

This just took on a whole new level of weird....

I ended up passing out early because I just wanted to get to Tuesday already but it back fired and I just woke up now and can't get back to sleep. I never ended up responding to Colin's dad. Anyway, so I wake up to 8 text messages from his dad. 

They're poorly written and kind of confusing but I think that his dad is asking me out? He was still pushing meeting up next week, but also told me the girl he was dating when I first met him, they broke up. He said he would like to get to know me if I'm with his son, but that his son said we're not and he's moving on, but told him I like him too so we should get to know each other independently. Then he sent me pics of him doing martial arts. 

Is Colin trying to set me up with his father? What, the actual, fuck. NO! Just NO! 

I wrote back that I was upset with his son at the moment, and that it was good to know he's moving on. That I was starting a new job so would be focusing on that. Just in case I misunderstood, but I don't think I did....

I mean, I'm pretty good at inferring meaning from text. 

And I quote..., "....you know _Colin_ and you were together but I thought you were a really nice person and I like to get to know you if you and _Colin_ are together _Colin_ told me he's not you know he's moving on or something she likes you too so let me know okay _Aligned_."

I'm speechless, insulted, and slightly disgusted. 

This just keeps getting worse and worse. 

What the fuck, dude...


----------



## Ms. Aligned

Why is it that when you're stressed or worried about something and would benefit from the small, time traveling into the future, act of sleep, that's when you're least likely to get it. It's like your body revs up with adrenaline at the thought of the future, but then you have to wait for the future to get there. So you stew in your own adrenaline and exhaust yourself with a restless but disciplined patience, only to find yourself exhausted by the time the future arrives.

Idk why timing has decided it hates me lately, but I need to figure out how to get back into its good graces, ASAP. Of everything in the world that you absolutely need to survive, thrive, timing is the bitch that controls EVERYTHING. You have bad timing, what's even the point of living? In my experience.

Good timing - everything falls into place effortlessly, all things are possible, no limits
Bad timing - might as well be thrashing yourself against a wall endlessly because everything you encounter will feel exactly like that


----------



## OrchidSugar

Hope you will block them for good. Both are too old to be so disrespectful.


----------



## Shodan

Ms. Aligned said:


> He said he would like to get to know me if I'm with his son, but that his son said we're not and he's moving on, but told him I like him too so we should get to know each other independently. Then he sent me pics of him doing martial arts.


What the actual fuck.

Well, there you go. If this didn't effectively destroy any residual feelings, I don't know what else could. This is just... wow


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## Ms. Aligned

Alright, let's go! HR for Job A has already been contacting me, answering the question I asked when they were out of the office, confirming my orientation for tomorrow, and telling me not to apologize, because I may have spammed his email.....just a lil bit. I just wanted to send my questions as they arose, rather than forgetting about them in the next two weeks. I could have just made a note but I'm too impatient right now. Lol!

That's a good sign though right? They haven't rescinded the offer yet! The worry I had was after our last phone conversation, so they would have told me by now though right. I'm just over worrying because I'm neurotic and stupid?

Job B also reached out to me with more new hire stuff. 😬

Orientation for Job A is tomorrow. If all goes well, I'll finally decline job B. I think I'm going to ask them if they would be willing to offer me full time working from home though (with the exception of in person meetings and stuff) and see what they say. Can't hurt to ask right?

Anyway, the whole Colin situation.

Wasn't fucking around with all that. Not entirely sure it was Colin's idea, but wasn't going to mess around with that game. Dad text me four more times (including pics of him playing a guitar and his dog) after I declined saying we should be friends and I can still focus on my job.

I text Colin and asked him if he was trying to set me up with his dad, how I found it incredibly offensive and didn't understand what I had done to justify his recent behavior towards me. Dad didn't message me again.

I can only assume this means, one of three things, all of which I'm okay with.

1) They both finally got the message that I'm not going to play this game, so gave up. Whatever the fuck that was. What some kind of father/son fetish?

2) Dad says I took it all the wrong way, and they bond over "crazy bitches" making all kinds of accusations.

3) Colin didn't know and this may just cause a riff in their family reunion.

I'm absolutely fine with all of it as long as absolutely none of it, involves me.

I know I should have blocked them both but I didn't. Blocking is only something I do when I don't trust myself enough to not respond and I'm setting up external safeguards. Honestly, at this point, I have absolutely no concerns over my trying to reach out to either of them.

This whole situation is so bizarre, I'm open to reading whatever comes in next. I doubt it could effect me much more emotionally.

There is this thing about abusive relationships. When they end, you never get to have a clear answer about anything. Which is something that drives me absolutely insane. You never get closure, and just have to walk away accepting the fact that you're not going to be given the mercy of understanding. Yes, knowledge is mercy in my opinion.

This encounter wasn't abusive (I quite enjoyed our time together), but the way it ended had all the hallmark red flags of a potentially abusive relationship. Better I know now.


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## Ms. Aligned

Woot woot! Just heard back from Job A, they reviewed all my paperwork and said we would make any necessary corrections on my first day of work when I go into the office. If that doesn't sound finalized, Idk what does. I think it's time to stop worrying now. 

Does happy dance! 

Woot woot! Woot woot!


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## Ms. Aligned




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## Ms. Aligned

Echo location on a very broad scale, like an accordion of time. Sweet


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## Ms. Aligned




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## Kintsugi

Ms. Aligned said:


> There is this thing about abusive relationships. When they end, you never get to have a clear answer about anything. Which is something that drives me absolutely insane. You never get closure, and just have to walk away accepting the fact that you're not going to be given the mercy of understanding. Yes, knowledge is mercy in my opinion.
> 
> This encounter wasn't abusive (I quite enjoyed our time together), but the way it ended had all the hallmark red flags of a potentially abusive relationship. Better I know now.


Agreed.

The no closure thing is crazy making.


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## Ms. Aligned

Whoof! Walk outside to an instant smell of roses, incense, and tobacco?


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## Ms. Aligned

My circadians are fucked right now. Woke up again and now can't get back to sleep but need to, but on a side note.... 

Today is orientation day! Woohoo! It's not until much later, but still. 

I'm nervous because somehow I need to work into the conversation a way to find out what my new boss' name is because I stupidly didn't write it down directly after the interview....


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## Ms. Aligned

Ewwww, just shuffled on. I honestly don't understand what people see in The Red Hot Chili Peppers. 

I think I like maybe one of their songs. I wasn't even paying attention to what music was playing until they shuffled on and I found myself becoming increasingly annoyed. Why does he sing like that? Like he's poking your ears with his voice saying nothing but gibberish?


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## Ms. Aligned

I think I figured out why it's so hard to get back to sleep when I wake up way too early. I just realized how amazingly quiet it is. It's just peaceful. Why can't the world sound like that all the time. It's a trip to think about how my grandparents grew up, like how simple and quiet life must have been back then, and how the entire world has changed since. I mean even from my childhood until now everything has changed. Busier, louder, faster. I could only imagine what their pace of life would have been like in their day.


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## Ms. Aligned

Lmao @ thread title The Bean. I would have posted this in there, but that's all I had to say and didn't want to derail. 

The Bean, lol, I can't!


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## Kintsugi

What the fuck is "the bean"

Also, I'm glad you told Artie to SHOVE IT

Been saying this (in no uncertain terms) for weeks


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## Shodan

Ms. Aligned said:


> Lmao @ thread title The Bean. I would have posted this in there, but that's all I had to say and didn't want to derail.
> 
> The Bean, lol, I can't!


I would understand if it was a pea, but a bean... I'm sorry, it just makes me think of baked beans


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## JennyJukes

Yall ain't ever heard of flicking the bean??

I remember my cousins and I joking about it as youngesters and my aunt overhearing. "Whose flicking whose bean? What does that mean? Ill flick your bean" 🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣


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## mimesis

Ms. Aligned said:


> Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!! !!!!!!
> 
> OMG! I have a job!
> 
> BUT SO FUCKING HAPPY!!!!


No words can describe how happy I feel for you! 










Congrats! 🍾🥂


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## Antiparticle

Ms. Aligned said:


> All I'mma say is...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Had a great night, great morning. Sent my decline letter, don't feel great about that. Not even looking at my email right now because I'm afraid they will reply back. I know I should have called, but the truth is, I was too chicken shit to speak with her directly because I feel bad. But everything else, is fucking great actually. Totally 100% over Artie, dun give a fuuuuck. Had someone look over the messages and stuff to see if I was misinterpreting things, and the general consensus was, "Nope!" So woohoo, I'm also not crazy. Well, at least in that situation. Everything else, I think the jury is still out.
> 
> Today is the perfect day for just chillin low key and enjoying the peacefulness. Two major stressors, artie and job searching, have just been eliminated, and this is the quietest my mind has been in a while. Tomorrow, I think I'm going to go out and see if I can find some new work clothes. I know, right?!?! Normally I'd just shop online because I loathe it, but I'm actually like, "Hmm, maybe I will go out." Look at me all fancy. Besides if I order online now there is no guarantee that I'll like what arrives, and have clothes by Monday. So there is that, but I'm going to say it's because I'm more outgoing and adventurous. Ohhhh! Tough girl can walk into a mall. Lol! Really smashing through the limits to self improvement there.
> 
> Lol. I'm in a really great mood. 🙂
> 
> 
> Jesus, I ask and mine it's all, "Idk I have to think about it." You do that.
> 
> You ask and get the freaking meaning of life. LAME! Lol!


This (potential) new boss said for himself that he is No 1 person in the world in this field currently. Before he started to give comments I was thinking everything is perfect. Then ego kind of ruins the job for me. But I still like his attitude. Maybe it’s my kind of people but not the job? I am confused. 😂


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## Ms. Aligned

mimesis said:


> No words can describe how happy I feel for you!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Congrats! 🍾🥂


Lol! THANK YOU!!!!! 🍾 🍾 🍾 🥂 🥂 🥂 🍾🥂🍾🥂

Glad to be spreading the joy! That picture is funny, lol!


Antiparticle said:


> This (potential) new boss *said for himself that he is No 1 person in the world in this field currently*. Before he started to give comments I was thinking everything is perfect. Then ego kind of ruins the job for me. But I still like his attitude. Maybe it’s my kind of people but not the job? I am confused. 😂


I'd verify it, then ask what the future of the field is and who's leading in that path, then if all things came back to him, my stupid NT heart would totally fall for it and let him have his ego, because I'd be learning from the best. If it wasn't true, I'd run. Lol!


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## Ms. Aligned

So, I anticipate that my posting is going to slow down quite a bit in the near future. Just a natural progression into my new life. Today I'm going to go out and try to do shopping. As a reward for this, I may enjoy my last Friday night before work in style. 

Job B's HR got back to me thanking me for notifying them and wishing me the best in my next endeavor as they understood. Boss for Job B did not respond. That's probably best. I can't imagine she was able to see that coming.  I really do feel bad. Last night I had a dream I was getting hate emails back from the company saying I was banned for a year. Lol! 

Anyway, which leads me to lessons in self reflection. 

Yesterday, I kept having feelings of anxiety creep up on me out of nowhere and I would "scan" my brain and think..., "There's nothing....everything is fine right now," and start to relax. This happened so many times throughout the day. That's when I realized I'd been feeling that way for so long that my body actually started making it a habit like muscle memory, and I had plenty of thoughts that just kept feeding into and reinforcing it. 

Looking back I started experiencing physical anxiety when my doc started me on thyroid meds the same time we were called back into the office after 2 years of working from home (over a year now). Then the job went to shit, and everything else. With old job and the consequences of it behind me, dating done, and job searching done. Honest to god, my mind is just so damn quiet right now. It's like those old school lottery commercials where the guy is walking through the market buying all the expensive meats and cheeses and says, "This is weird. It's cool, but it's weird." 

Aighty, I need to start getting things done. Ewww shopping....


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## Antiparticle

Ms. Aligned said:


> I'd verify it, then ask what the future of the field is and who's leading in that path, then if all things came back to him, my stupid NT heart would totally fall for it and let him have his ego, because I'd be learning from the best. If it wasn't true, I'd run. Lol!


I already know that he is a big deal (in this field), but not sure if this will be equally good for me (if I work for him now).

I have the opportunity to lead my own project in different field (option A), so I am still conflicted/confused. Nobody can help me decide, not even AI. 😂


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## Shodan

Antiparticle said:


> I already know that he is a big deal (in this field), but not sure if this will be equally good for me (if I work for him now).
> 
> I have the opportunity to lead my own project in different field (option A), so I am still conflicted/confused. Nobody can help me decide, not even AI. 😂


Personally, I'd accumulate -all- the info / knowledge I possibly could first. If it involves being subordinate to someone I'm not exactly comfortable with, but they possess the knowledge that would be extremely valuable to me - so be it. Once I have absorbed their knowledge, I can go off and start my own thing, then become even better than them 🤷‍♂️


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## Antiparticle

Shodan said:


> Personally, I'd accumulate -all- the info / knowledge I possibly could first. If it involves being subordinate to someone I'm not exactly comfortable with, but they possess the knowledge that would be extremely valuable to me - so be it. Once I have absorbed their knowledge, I can go off and start my own thing, then become even better than them 🤷‍♂️


I am comfortable working with him but I did some bad career moves lately, so I hate the idea of coming back to his community (after this last project). Seems that it’s more about my own ego. 😂

I worked in field B, then switched to A (on not that good position), then wanted to do A on a prestigious position (but still didn’t), now I have the opportunity to do A as a fresh start (both prestigious position + good salary).

B will feel like I am going back in time to try again. Definitely with a good mentor, but it’s just confusing. 😂


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## Shodan

Antiparticle said:


> I am comfortable working with him but I did some bad career moves lately, so I hate the idea of coming back to his community (after this last project). Seems that it’s more about my own ego. 😂


In that case, perhaps the other option would be better. That way, when / if you decide to work with this person again you'd feel better about it, as you would have succeeded elsewhere in the meantime, despite it being two different fields (sort of like, you'd be able to say "See, person? I really did great on this other thing, and that should say a thing or two about me").

Edit after I saw your edit: considering all of that, I'd definitely go with A.


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## Antiparticle

Shodan said:


> In that case, perhaps the other option would be better. That way, when / if you decide to work with this person again you'd feel better about it, as you would have succeeded elsewhere in the meantime, despite it being two different fields (sort of like, you'd be able to say "See, person? I really did great on this other thing, and that should say a thing or two about me").


I already did that, in the meantime I applied 2 “million $ projects” so I sent them 😂 lol. That was weird, like, see? Your executive board& president support me too. Lol (it’s the same institution).

I also sent a reference letter, and said explicitly my ex mentor recommended him (my ex mentor is also a big deal but he retired recently 😿).

edit: Is this maybe too “mafia style”?


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## Shodan

Antiparticle said:


> I already did that, in the meantime I applied 2 “million $ projects” so I sent them 😂 lol. That was weird, like, see? Your executive board& president support me too. Lol (it’s the same institution).


Well, there's only one logical option when all of this is considered: "now I have the opportunity to do A as a fresh start (both prestigious position + good salary)."


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## Antiparticle

Shodan said:


> Well, there's only one logical option when all of this is considered: "now I have the opportunity to do A as a fresh start (both prestigious position + good salary)."


Yes, but I am still interested in the field B. 😂😸

Basically I want to combine both. This could also be an issue, I have a lot of my ideas, and this person likes to lead (=have his own ideas). I really lose something in both situations.


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## Shodan

Antiparticle said:


> Yes, but I am still interested in the field B. 😂😸


Is there absolutely no possibility to do both? Or ask / see if B can be postponed, depending on how long A would take?


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## Antiparticle

Shodan said:


> Is there absolutely no possibility to do both? Or ask / see if B can be postponed, depending on how long A would take?


I don’t know. Currently A are waiting for me to send my own ideas, in parallel I asked B can he send his ideas to me (unrelated to the position so there is no pressure). Hopefully I will see clearly when he responds. I know how to to both projects very well, so it’s like the only difference is leading/ following. (And the project topic.)

Obviously I am few percent towards B. It’s not 50-50.

Oh, and there is also C. 😂 I will cry.


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## Shodan

Antiparticle said:


> I don’t know. Currently A are waiting for me to send my own ideas, in parallel I asked B can he send his ideas to me (unrelated to the position so there is no pressure). Hopefully I will see clearly when he responds.


...I keep replying too fast and you're editing your posts with more info in the meantime, so if it looks like I'm ignoring some of the things you said, that's not the case

I talked about this with Ms. A recently, and it was specifically about deciding which of the two professional options is a better choice. It helps me personally when I can contrast two things visually, if I have data to look at in front of me, and this system can be applied to just about anything. Write down pros and cons for each of the options; assign values to each pro and con, ranging from 1 to 3 (cons would get a negative value, so for example: long working hours = -2 points). In the end, I'd go with the option that has the highest total.


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## Antiparticle

Shodan said:


> ...I keep replying too fast and you're editing your posts with more info in the meantime, so if it looks like I'm ignoring some of the things you said, that's not the case
> 
> I talked about this with Ms. A recently, and it was specifically about deciding which of the two professional options is a better choice. It helps me personally when I can contrast two things visually, if I have data to look at in front of me, and this system can be applied to just about anything. Write down pros and cons for each of the options; assign values to each pro and con, ranging from 1 to 3 (cons would get a negative value, so for example: long working hours = -2 points). In the end, I'd go with the option that has the highest total.


Everything is the same.

Maybe I need entj for this.

@ENTJudgement how to compare 2 completely the same business options?


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## Shodan

Antiparticle said:


> Everything is the same.


Well, if the rational approach didn't solve the problem, it's time to consult the irrational - do as your heart tells you 😄


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## Antiparticle

Shodan said:


> Well, if the rational approach didn't solve the problem, it's time to consult the irrational - do as your heart tells you 😄


I don’t have Fi. I may have to decide with gut feelings.


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## Shodan

ITT: A Libra tries to help another Libra make a decision 🤣


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## Antiparticle

Shodan said:


> Well, if the rational approach didn't solve the problem, it's time to consult the irrational - do as your heart tells you 😄


Heart also said B, because I tried this many times, it’s like amor fati.


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## Shodan

Antiparticle said:


> Heart also said B, because I tried this many times, it’s like amor fati.


Then go for it. The point here is that you are not going to make a bad decision no matter what, as you have two really good options. If they are practically identical, then seriously, go with what your heart / gut feeling / intuition / call it whatever you want - tells you to do. Conscious methods served their purpose, as in - they analyzed all the data, but now they can't make a decision because it all seems identical. The logical mind sees it all as the same thing and therefore it can't make a decision between two seemingly identical options (it sort of becomes like trying to decide between option AB and option AB, insert "they are the same picture" meme). The subconscious will sort that out.


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