# The Tragedy that is growing up as a Western-Born Chinese.



## MeganeOtoko (Aug 14, 2012)

I never really wanted to write this article. Because I care about my parents. I grew up alongside with them. They cared for me in a way that enabled me to be the person I am today, and I owe them so much.

However, I'm starting this thread because I'm just about near bursting and I just desperately want someone to understand how hard it is sometimes growing up as a BBC or an ABC, or whatever. I hope that those of you who are in a similar boat can use my story and see yourselves in it too.

First, a little background on myself:

A lot of friends, particularly fellow BBCs, tell me how lucky I am to have parents who care about me and would support me through thick and thin. I'm pretty much constantly reminded that without the help of my parents and family, I probably wouldn't have ended up where I am, doing what I'm doing, experiencing what I have experienced.
And it's true, and I don't mind that it's true.

Now, I'm not the perfect son, but I do try what I consider to be my best to support my parents and not to make them worry. The thing is though, this isn't really apparent to other people, especially my family. So much that sometimes, I wonder if I'm really doing enough, if I'll ever be able to do enough to repay my parents for their investment in me.

But I'm confident that I have. I was never the hardest worker in school, but I got my A*s and As when I had to. I got into a top university to study chemistry, and my parents were over the moon.

I first let my parents down when I ended up getting a lower Second degree, which put me just under the threshold for the majority of graduate jobs. Also, at the time, I was in a complicated relationship with my then girlfriend, who would have to leave the UK back to China, if she couldn't get a work permit, or marry someone, on time.

My parents were there for me of course, and I was determined to not let them down again. So I went from job to job, until I ended up bagging a graduate scheme job with decent pay. And I stayed there for a year. Throughout that year though, while I was alone, I realised many things. 99% of which were that I had been wrong all my life.

Anyway, after a lot of thinking, I dumped that job, and am now starting out on my passion and dream, of course with my parents backing me up financially.

Which brings me back to the topic at hand.

My mother is a narcissist and my father is co-dependent. Or at least, that's what I've come to believe.
My family is dysfunctional, and what many people see when they see me together with my brother and parents, is only the tip of the iceberg.

Now, you might be thinking, "all families surely have their problems, what's your point?" and I'm already ahead of you. Once I decided to pursue my dream, I could have easily walked away from my family when my dad's gambling problem once again put a strain on my parents' marriage. Instead, I tried using my discoveries to help them to help themselves. I didn't phone them up everyday and try to solve their problem for them from afar and I didn't side with my mum and try to shame my dad on her behalf. Instead, I tried to talk to them about their problems. I challenged them to see things differently and to perhaps make some hard decisions (even divorce).

In the end, they didn't see things my way. They didn't even try. And to be honest, I wasn't trying to force them to do things my way, I just wanted to provide a voicing board for their anxieties and to suggest things that they perhaps had never thought about. Because, isn't a healthy family supposed to be 100% truthful to each other? Even when it comes to really ugly, painful truths. I had already faced a few, and I just wanted to hear some from my parents, because I was genuinely concerned about them and wanted to help them.

They both came from textbook dysfunctional chinese families, where emotional unavailability was the norm, and filial piety was taken to a pathological level. Their needs were pretty much ignored, and they found each other in that storm, only to face even greater hardships in a foreign land.

So, I understand. And I forgive them. I don't blame them for being the way they are, because that's how they were treated by their parents. 

So now I'm trapped in this limbo, where I feel like I'm being pulled from all directions. On one hand, my family is something I cherish. On the other, it chains me to the ground, when I could be flying freely in the skies.

And that, is the tragedy of a "dreamer" western-born chinese.

Thoughts are welcome


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## huahuafood (Aug 25, 2012)

He's the one on the right.


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## Empty (Sep 28, 2011)

Why do you think this applies to all Western born Chinese?


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## MeganeOtoko (Aug 14, 2012)

Fate said:


> Why do you think this applies to all Western born Chinese?


I don't think that it applies to all western-born chinese, but I think it applies to a good number of them. I also don't think this just applies to chinese people, and I'm sure people of other cultures have problems with this kind of thing, and not just the ones that move away from their mother country either.

If you have a good story to tell, then please do, because I am really interested in hearing about (in particular with western-born chinese) people from different situations, because like you say, some immigrant chinese families probably have no major problems at all.

Then again, I don't know and haven't met many western-born chinese who would openly admit their family problems, for reasons that are both complicated and many, but mostly the whole "面" thing. I guess for many people, it would be too "shameful" to admit these things anyway.

There are many more other things about "chinese culture" that could set me off, but yeah, this is something that personally affects my life a huge degree and I just wanted to share it with people who might be feeling the same.

I do wanna hear your own story and opinion though, if you're willing to share 



huahuafood said:


> He's the one on the right.


Come again? lol


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## fihe (Aug 30, 2012)

I grew up in a town with a high Chinese-American population, and was friends with many ABCs in school. most of them are indeed held to a very high standard by their parents, and I wonder if they were ever really able to have a childhood. I think the strict upbringing is a remnant of Confucianism


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## MeganeOtoko (Aug 14, 2012)

fihe said:


> I grew up in a town with a high Chinese-American population, and was friends with many ABCs in school. most of them are indeed held to a very high standard by their parents, and I wonder if they were ever really able to have a childhood. I think the strict upbringing is a remnant of Confucianism


Interesting point you make there, fihe. I read before that "xiao shun", otherwise known as filial piety - the undying respect for your parents and ancestors, is pretty much one of the founding principles of Confucianism (correct me if I've just made the biggest mistake in claiming that btw!).

It's strange though, I just did an MBTI test for my entire family, and it's interesting what came up. Nothing surprising for the most part but other things jumped at me and things became a little bit clearer.

I believe (and I have been known to be hopelessly idealistic in my thinking being an INFP), that everyone benefits greatly from self-knowledge, and in term knowledge and understanding of the people close to you in life. Regardless of who you are and your background, if everyone in life were to just stop and really get to know themselves, and get to know the people around them, I think there would really be more harmony in this world.

Back on topic, fortunately I was one of those western born chinese that had a pretty reasonable upbringing. There were some pitfalls here and there I'm still recovering from, but in the grand scheme of things, I consider myself to be fairly lucky.

Oh wells, these things just happen in life right?


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## saturnne (Sep 8, 2009)

Oh, that's SNSD! Sorry to intrude - just sayin'.


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## keepondreaming (Dec 10, 2012)

I think I can see this a bit, in myself and western-born Chinese friends. My parents and extended family are mostly from Taiwan, if not Taiwan-born.

I have tried to apply the western style of thinking to my mom, who's really traditional, and so our ideas clash sometimes.

It hasn't worked, and there has been much stress involved.

She is an ESFJ, and she doesn't care about personality types... which isn't much help. I just wish she'd understand.


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## ThankfulW (Dec 23, 2012)

Hmmm, sorry I can't help here... I'm from a purely English background!! :laughing: Hope u get some answers... I am interested... BTW what is ABC and BBC... ah! is it American/ British Born Chinese?

P.S. Megane Otoko you are a pretty boy!


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## INFJAnimal (May 5, 2010)

y'know, you may not take advice from a "xiǎo rìběn"; but I'll tell you this much as a Gen X asian - frankly this is a problem for any asian child growing up, not just Chinese. We're all pressured to excel from the time we're in elementary school. Get good grades, make it into a top-notch university. Marry well (marry nice, obedient Asian girl). But the fact of the matter is that are you seeking acceptance from your parents who will continue to keep setting higher and higher standards for you to meet until you fail to meet them or should you, as a North American born Chinese strike out and DO your own thing; to hell with what the parents want of you. If I had followed my mother's wishes, I would have been a teacher or a doctor. I said to hell with that, married a meiguo guizi (Yeah, I know guizi is devil; and that's what my mother thinks of my wife) girl, had 4 mixed race children and became a wildlife photographer. Yes, my mother is shitting bricks right now and wondering desperately where she failed me as a parent. And yeah, this "ungrateful number 10 son" is perfectly happy with his life. I'd say your own happiness is paramount. Don't go into a job or line of education just because your parents want you to do. It's YOUR life; not theirs. 

But then again, I'm just a xiǎo rìběn...ne... what do I know.


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