# INFP and INFJ relationship



## GrimmTeather (Mar 3, 2010)

I'm wanting advice or suggestions here. I'm really stuck and I'm usually the one giving the advice. I'll try and write this in a way that I'm not complaining but some of it is definitely going to come across like that.

I've been with my girlfriend for a few years now. I'm an INFP and she's an INFJ. We live together. We get along very well and have sorted through lots of problems together. There are a few problems that have come up since the beginning though, which have never been sorted out -

She has ways of doing things and sometimes might ask me to do something out of nowhere.. just simple things (eg. could you bring me an object from the kitchen.. things like that). Now, sometimes I'll take a moment. This could be because I'm daydreaming or it just takes a second to process what's been said. Since I don't do it straight away, she goes from asking me to telling me. The tone of her voice changes from relaxed to snappy and impatient. 

Now, when I raise this with her, I tell her that she comes across a little nasty. She won't have any of that. She tells me I'm over-sensitive and that it's my problem. I agree I am over-sensitive at times. I see her do this with others at times too and feel the same tone and expression come across. I don't feel offended in those times.. I feel more, "geez, that's harsh". 

Another way she's explained why it's my problem is that I don't like others telling me things. I agree, that this is a part of an inferiority thing I have. I don't like being told but at the same time, does anybody? Sometimes, I'll be doing something and she'll be telling me the best way to do it, as I'm doing it, along with all the ins and outs of the situation.
Yesterday this happened and I told her I agreed that I didn't like being told but also that I found it hard to think/work with her speaking me through it.

Two things can happen when I sense conflict coming/happening. Either I over-explain things, a lot of the time going off topic and ending up frustrated and worked up OR I go silent, hesitating with speech, so the above doesn't happen.

During the silence, I become very dead-looking in my face and body language. My girlfriend will interpret this a lot of the time as something negative and a lot of the time it is. Either I'm overloaded with info (over-thinking and second-guessing) or I'm well and truly offended.
When I'm like this, she becomes offended herself and starts to talk out why I'm offended, explaining for me (eg. I become offended easily because of these reasons...) and then explaining for herself. When I do speak, I don't get far and she pulls apart what I've said and focusses on that. I usually panic at this point - I over-explain myself because I'm also going over everything she's told me that I'm doing - unsure of myself.

I just read over that above part and it was a little confusing but it's what happens.

When she raises a topic with me on anything, it seems like she wants me to agree with her at some point. I sense it coming and it usually steers to that point. Either I agree/disagree OR I'm not entirely into whatever she's talking about, so I have little to say. Whatever happens, she seems offended and explains that I have a problem. It's true, I do... I'm afraid to talk to her at all now because it feels like it leads to an argument.

I like to solve any problems as soon as I can because I can't live easily when something is unsolved but lately it feels like I can't talk this stuff out with her.
It feels as if she doesn't want to admit she can be nasty sometimes. Nobody wants to admit that but it comes across as she doesn't want to believe that she has that in her.

I know this post is a bit messy but I appreciate any suggestions or insights into this. I'm completely lost and feel like I can't do anything. I basically feel as if my explanations are rubbish to hers because it takes a while for me to get to a point.

Anything? what do I do? what can I do?


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## perfectcircle (Jan 5, 2011)

It's just something you'll have to get used to, I suppose, a lesson in good humor. Be so good about it maybe she'll feel guilty.

I can kind of get where she's coming from because I'm an infp but I get really really really irritated when I have to repeat things, and the response is just pulled out of me. My infj mom and intp dad always say how mean and snappy I am, but I can't help it- I am not mad at them, it's just so. much. effort. to repeat things and irritating! I get the same way when they trail off with their sentences... why can't they just effing say it??! I'm waiting over there! Anyways, sometimes people have pet peeves that they can't really help. It is unfortunate that she snaps at you, yeah, it would make me feel bad to be snapped at to, but she doesn't mean it personally, she's probably not even tihnking of you when it happens, it's just an instantaneous reaction.


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## perfectcircle (Jan 5, 2011)

Also, set some boundaries, because this part sounds fucking annoying-- where she starts putting words in your mouth. Say, just because I am quiet does not mean I cannot speak for myeslf, if you give me a chance. Tell her you do not want to be missreprented. It's admirble you hold in your irritation when she does that, but it also allows you to get walked on... that's the hard part about being a gentle, passive type personality like infp, I give people tons of lee-way, then they take so much ground and feel comfortable telling me how to do tihngs or what I'm thinking like I'm 5, so I snap and yell at them, which isn't much mroe productive either.

Anyways, maybne if you try to talk to her about it she can see the inherent illogic in her getting offended at you having your own reactions to feeling controlled or talked over, she makes it by getting upset about being upset that you don't even have the right to feel bad for being treated certain ways. That makes a person feel controlled.


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## OrangeAppled (Jun 26, 2009)

Stop trying to get her to admit she is nasty, bossy, etc. Try focusing on communicating what you need & how she can fulfill it. Make sure to ask her what she needs & how you can fulfill it too.

You have to tell her how you feel without making it about who is to blame. I think you can safely say stuff like this: "I'm afraid to talk to [you] at all now because it feels like it leads to an argument." You didn't blame her, but stated how you feel & what you fear occurring. It's the "I feel vs. "You are" statement difference.

When I remember to apply this in conflict situations, then it usually works. Who was wrong, who was right, who's to blame - it doesn't matter. What matters is finding a solution which suits both of your needs. 

When she gives you an order in a nasty way, then try saying (not exactly & not so terse, but the gist), "I'd appreciate it if you asked me in a kind manner & gave me a moment to process what you said before I act. I heard you, but I simply move slower than you do". If she insists she was kind, then let her know it's still not what you need. Let her know you need it to be kinder. You can say, "I understand you were trying to be kind, but I respond best when asked in X way". Then give an example. 

You might show her how INFPs use informative communication & can find directive communication (what INFJs use) harsh at times. Tell her you respond best to statements of needs & suggestions of what to do rather than commands. You may have to use direct commands with her though, because this is her preferred style. So when you state a need, you may also need to tell her how to fulfill it. As INFPs, we often like suggestions & then freedom to fulfill it how we want; for others, this is too vague & they feel like it expects mind-reading. 

If she says "you're oversensitive" or whatever, then just say something like, "That may be so, but I'm trying to tell you what I need and what I respond to best". Keep bringing the focus back to the solution, focus on expressing what you feel when something happens vs blaming, and try to minimize accusations. If she insists it's your problem, then say, "This is _our_ problem because it affects _our_ relationship. I am telling you what I, as a sensitive person, need. These are simple requests. Please listen to me and respect my feelings."

Also, acknowledge her good intent. You can say, "I appreciate that you're trying to help me, but it would help me more if you could do X instead." If you feel like she doubts your ability, then assert your ability by making a confident statement that isn't defensive (again the gist, less terse): "I appreciate your help, but I feel confident in handling this. If I need some help, then I'll let you know". Tone of voice & body language is important because it can take innocuous statements or even ones which can diffuse a situation and turn them into snappy, condescending remarks. 

When you communicate how you feel in your long-winded way, then ask her to repeat your main point back to you. That way you know if it came across clearly. This is "active listening" anyway, something good communication involves. When she tries to assign feelings to you, then say, "That's not quite it. Let me tell you what it is. Please give me a moment to explain". Ignore all the noise beforehand where she might accuse you of feeling things you don't or for the wrong reasons. You might tell her for the future, "When I shut down, I need to be left alone to process what I feel. When I'm ready to talk, then I'll let you know." When people probe INFPs about what's wrong & start projecting stuff onto our neutral faces or mild bad moods, it's because they fear they've done something wrong to upset us. You might also want to reassure her then: "I'm not upset with you. It's something else, and I just need some time to sort it out mentally".

FYI, this does only work with reasonable, caring people. If someone is unwilling to take responsibility for their actions, compromise, & adjust for someone else, then they're going to bring conflict into any relationship they're in, unless they find a doormat to date.


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## amanda32 (Jul 23, 2009)

She simply sounds like a bully.
(yes, INFJs _can_ be bullies).


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## GrimmTeather (Mar 3, 2010)

Thanks for all the help. I realized a lot of the time I don't set enough boundaries, especially with people I know well.


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## milti (Feb 8, 2012)

> She has ways of doing things and sometimes might ask me to do something out of nowhere.. just simple things (eg. could you bring me an object from the kitchen.. things like that). Now, sometimes I'll take a moment. This could be because I'm daydreaming or it just takes a second to process what's been said. Since I don't do it straight away, she goes from asking me to telling me. The tone of her voice changes from relaxed to snappy and impatient.
> 
> Now, when I raise this with her, I tell her that she comes across a little nasty. She won't have any of that. She tells me I'm over-sensitive and that it's my problem. I agree I am over-sensitive at times. I see her do this with others at times too and feel the same tone and expression come across. I don't feel offended in those times.. I feel more, "geez, that's harsh".
> 
> ...


Reg. the above things: My INFJ mother is the same way, she shares many of the same mannerisms, and after watching my INTP dad deal with it using humour for years now, I've learnt how to deal with it humorously as well. He either just talks over her with "ya ya blah blah" and they both share a laugh, or he simply zones out and ignores her/acts like he doesn't hear what she's saying. Then he'll hear it on the third time but by then she's exasperated and will laugh too, or storm out.


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## chlobear (Mar 29, 2012)

are you my boyfriend? :shocked: my boyfriend is an INFP and i'm an INFJ. this is us.


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