# Have you ever loved someone obsessively? (INTJ here, in love with an INFP)



## lovecraftd9 (Jun 17, 2021)

I'm an INTJ. I love a girl and this became annoying because I can't focus on anything except for her, especially when she's around talking with another person or doing stuff. I'm a cold person and she is also. But she's not cold to the ones who she makes friends with and she's still nice. She's in something like literature club and I know the days they're together. And I wait half an hour after class only to see her leave. I don't even talk to her. I read her writings/stories as well. We had a conversation about them and she seemed she enjoyed it. We sometimes talk and she's nice to me. But I don't think she feels the way I feel. 

I stalk her a lot (sorry). I cancel plans. I can't focus on my task because I dream about her. I get jealous when she's close to another person (because like I said, she's not friendly and it really means something if she allowed someone to be close to her. Well, that's a guess.) I don't know when this started but I think this is an obsession. She's an INFP btw. Creative, cold but kind, artistic, smart, and beautiful INFP. Idk what to do. Because I never showed my interest, it might seem creepy to her to hear an irrelevant guy telling her he's deeply in love with her out of nowhere. So I'm afraid to tell her now.

Well, a few questions:
Is there someone who felt like this (especially an intj for an infp)? Is this obsessive love an intj thing (bc I saw something like this before on the Internet)? 

(I actually posted this on INTJ Forum but then I realized this the right place and I couldn't delete the other thread bla bla)


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## deafcrossfitter (Nov 30, 2019)

Please see a therapist so you don't go to jail.


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## BenevolentBitterBleeding (Mar 16, 2015)

Hmm like real obsession where I thought I was in love, but it was like really super unhealthy? Yes, a few times actually. Once in elementary school. Once in high school(which lasted quite the while). Once or thrice on PerC... 🤗 Which probably still lingers in some manner of speaking...

I've found the most reliable way I've been able to deal with it in a manner where it no longer 'disturbs' me, is in the eventuality that they find somebody else, at which point I never see/hear of them ever again.

Out of sight, out of mind; as they say... _C'est la vie!_


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

When people go through the erotic/romantic phase of "love" (imo--it's better called romance or even lust), something happens to their serotonin, which causes a sort of obsessive mindset.

So imo "obsessive love" is normal to a degree. It's your brain chemicals being out of wack.

But some people's brain chemicals are wackier than others, and for some people the obsessiveness can be destructive to themselves or others. 

Love is not the same thing though--love means you care about that person's well being deeply. What you are describing is the erotic aspect or it is also called limerence. 

Some of your behaviors sound unhealthy--like waiting for her after class...definitely physically stalking is something you should not be doing at all. That could scare her. And it isn't loving to scare people. 

One thing that would probably be good for you is to at least try to focus on yourself and your own projects right now. Maybe try to let your attraction motivate you to improve yourself. 

Read some books on social skills if you lack those (I mean, find good books on it written by psychologists, with good reviews. Or talk to a counselor or therapist about book recommendations). Work out. Work on your goals. Perhaps try to channel some of that obsessive energy into something more beneficial for everyone.

Jealousy is the feeling you have when someone has something you want (or maybe that's envy--imo there's not some huge difference because ownership is bologna anyway). It means you want to be close to her like that, and you aren't.

So accept that is what you want. And work on the ways in which you can envision yourself being able to get close to someone like that (it might not be her, but it could be a different girl in the future--if you can get a handle on this). 

She talks easily with them? 

Maybe it's because they have well-developed social skills, and they made an effort to connect about some common interest. That means your obsession on a person is sort of eroding your ability to really be in that position you want to be in...because you need to have your own interests.

You need to have something to bring to a friendship--something to talk about.

So it might be useful to take some inventory about what you could do to work on, and focus some of that energy you have on yourself. imo

And I would not tell her you are deeply in love, because IMO love is different than obsession or erotic feelings. Love comes later and it's also something that you do--you act in a loving way. You care about that person and what is best for them. 

But yes--I tend to be very obsessive, and I'm sure I could also do what you describe but I consciously make an effort to try to bend my whack brain towards more productive goals. 

And when I'm in a good place--when I am confident, I do not have a problem initiating with someone I'm attracted to. Which helps, because not examining or expressing feelings tends to amplify them for me. Keeping a secret makes it stronger. So finally being able to express it helps to reduce the pressure, and allows for new growth.

But as it is, you can just express it to yourself or some friend who you trust to help you be more rational about it all, and to be productive with your choices, rather then pouring your energy into behaviors that are only destructive for you (or others).

I don't know if there are any good books about obsession though. Take everything I said with grains of salt because I am speaking from anecdotal experience and I don't have time to look up all the things I'm claiming to fact check them.


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

Also--INFPs can be warm to people for a lot of reasons. But what your jealousy tells me is that you would like to be the one who she has a warm relationship with.

You can't control whether or not that will happen.

But perhaps you can take an inventory (I'm just repeating myself now, but oh well) on how to theoretically and generally get there as a person...so what is getting in the way of you being able to engage in a healthy way with someone you are attracted to?

That is what I would focus on--focus on yourself as much as you can, and directing some of that energy back to yourself.


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

Obsessiveness like this is usually a product of your imagination since you don't know her very well and definitely don't know her as a voluntary romantic partner so your mind has filled in the blanks. Instead of obsessing, just ask her out and if she agrees, then you can get to know her better. If you're rejected, then it's time to move on.


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## mosquitosoup (Nov 5, 2020)

mia-me said:


> Obsessiveness like this is usually a product of your imagination since you don't know her very well and definitely don't know her as a voluntary romantic partner so your mind has filled in the blanks. Instead of obsessing, just ask her out and if she agrees, then you can get to know her better. If you're rejected, then it's time to move on.


Yep, there it is. It's infatuation. You gotta try to focus less on the idealized version of her or any scenarios that you have in your head cause they're not real (which makes the relationship one-sided). In fact, shatter it completely and actually try to get to know her. Asking her out is a good idea for sure. It will eliminate the uncertainty that makes the obsession appealing and help you move forward from that.



lovecraftd9 said:


> Is this obsessive love an intj thing (bc I saw something like this before on the Internet)?


It's not an intj exclusive thing, no. But perhaps intuitives and introverts are more likely to get caught up in fantasy and favour that instead of the real world. It can happen to anyone though really.


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## lovecraftd9 (Jun 17, 2021)

deafcrossfitter said:


> Please see a therapist so you don't go to jail.


haha no I use the word obsession because it hurts me and I started to lose my attention quickly. I don't follow her way to home or watch her sleep saying ''you'll be mine.'' 



WickerDeer said:


> Love is not the same thing though--love means you care about that person's well being deeply. What you are describing is the erotic aspect or it is also called limerence.


I know I love her. I care about her and I don't want her to get hurt. I wonder about her. Maybe I should have described my feelings more than my actions... I want to keep sharing our opinions or helping each other with things. I know waiting for her is nonsense and might seem creepy but I guess I only want to get a chance to talk to her more, but then I can't. Thank you for your comment, it really helped me. Yes, I guess there is kind of feelings you mentioned about but there is more real love, I think.



mia-me said:


> Instead of obsessing, just ask her out and if she agrees, then you can get to know her better. If you're rejected, then it's time to move on.


I know it's that easy but I don't want this to be ''I like you. Let's go on a date.'' thing. Because it's not like that. I know I sound ridiculous right now but I guess I have to show her my interest first and then tell her how I feel. Because I want to tell how I ''feel.'' (Btw I don't think she's interested in me. Actually, it's hard to tell because as I know, she never dated anyone before and she is never loved by anyone. So I don't know how she acts when she's in love or something.) Anyway, I'm obsessing it because I think I never loved someone before and I don't know what to do. Thanks for the advice. I'll consider all these.


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## lovecraftd9 (Jun 17, 2021)

WickerDeer said:


> so what is getting in the way of you being able to engage in a healthy way with someone you are attracted to?


Shyness, I guess. I can describe her as very introverted but not that shy. I'm that shy... I know she won't respond rudely or hurting but there is a feeling that if I tell her and be rejected, our little friendship will be hurt too.


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

lovecraftd9 said:


> Shyness, I guess. I can describe her as very introverted but not that shy. I'm that shy... I know she won't respond rudely or hurting but there is a feeling that if I tell her and be rejected, our little friendship will be hurt too.


I'm confused. So do you talk to her when you meet her after class? 

Expressing feelings can be difficult, and I've been pretty bad at it my whole life, but I think you can express them in ways that don't seem to put a lot of expectation on another person.

Like perhaps if you just express some of the positive things you've said to us about her--then it's not like you're asking her out, but you're just telling her your positive feelings. Like you could tell her you think she is creative or kind or artistic or smart or beautiful.

Imo--the beautiful thing can be tricky because some women, and INFPs especially, don't want to be valued for their appearance so much. But when I compliment women, I try stick to something they have control of. Like today I complimented an older cashier woman on her colorful glasses. I think it's just a way to make someone feel good and express my feelings about something.

I know with romantic feelings, it can be a lot harder to even say casual things like that (at least for me), but if you think about it ahead of time, as an introvert, you might be able to give her some compliments that show your feelings without putting her on the spot. And she might start getting more of a clue (maybe). 

The thing about love is that if she is close and has good relationships with these friends you are jealous of, if you really love her then you'll respect that those relationships are benefitting her and they are her choice--you respect the choices and the things that nurture someone you love. So your jealousy is not "loving" it is a reflection of your desire. The obsession likely is as well, imo. But it is good that you care about her and want the best for her. You should be able to accept if she rejects you too, even if it will hurt. 

But I don't see why you can't just express more feeling within the normal bounds of your friendship, and see what happens with that. Perhaps if you guys get more comfortable talking about feeling stuff, it won't seem as out-of-left-field if you tell her you care about her.

I don't see why your friendship would be hurt, but if you don't have a strong foundation then maybe it is more likely. So maybe you can work on your foundation more and just get more used to opening up.


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## Tripwire_Desire (Jul 8, 2017)

I've had strong feelings for a girl I've only known for 3 years ever since 1998. I revealed my feelings to the object of my affection and she not only rejected me on the spot, she took it a step further and included the entire class (my fellow "cohorts"); who in turn, ended up planning and executing my physical assault. Despite her being a bad person, I had no choice but to let her go -- to my understanding, she now resides in Vietnam. My mind couldn't handle the loss though, so it ended up creating a corporeal version of her that can only be accessed through my dreams. The first couple times she popped into my head, I awoke to find tears streaming down my face and felt my heart -- almost as if she had reached into my chest and ripped it clear out of my chest herself. Now, over 2 decades later, I still dream of her but I've learned to curb the feelings by "hardening" my heart. It's a bittersweet experience each and every time she makes her special appearances, but I've learned to grow quiet accustomed to them.


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## lovecraftd9 (Jun 17, 2021)

WickerDeer said:


> I'm confused. So do you talk to her when you meet her after class?


Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. I do if I have a good thing to say but other times I just think what to say but can't find. So I just see her leave. (and the stalking part doesn't include following her around city. I mostly find her in the library doing homework, writing or reading something.) 



WickerDeer said:


> but if you think about it ahead of time, as an introvert, you might be able to give her some compliments that show your feelings without putting her on the spot. And she might start getting more of a clue (maybe).


I think that's a good idea. I gave her compliments about her writings before and that made her happy. Thank you ! 



WickerDeer said:


> The thing about love is that if she is close and has good relationships with these friends you are jealous of, if you really love her then you'll respect that those relationships are benefitting her and they are her choice--you respect the choices and the things that nurture someone you love. So your jealousy is not "loving" it is a reflection of your desire.


Yeah... Of course I wouldn't change anything about her being close to other people. I don't want to restrict her. But I'm also jealous because I want to be one of she's close with. And I also conflict with myself a lot by thinking men around her are stupid because they don't love her, haha.



WickerDeer said:


> I don't see why your friendship would be hurt, but if you don't have a strong foundation then maybe it is more likely.


I don't want our conversations turn oddly but Idk I guess I just overthink



Tripwire_Desire said:


> I've had strong feelings for a girl I've only known for 3 years ever since 1998. I revealed my feelings to the object of my affection and she not only rejected me on the spot, she took it a step further and included the entire class (my fellow "cohorts"); who in turn, ended up planning and executing my physical assault. Despite her being a bad person, I had no choice but to let her go -- to my understanding, she now resides in Vietnam. My mind couldn't handle the loss though, so it ended up creating a corporeal version of her that can only be accessed through my dreams. The first couple times she popped into my head, I awoke to find tears streaming down my face and felt my heart -- almost as if she had reached into my chest and ripped it clear out of my chest herself. Now, over 2 decades later, I still dream of her but I've learned to curb the feelings by "hardening" my heart. It's a bittersweet experience each and every time she makes her special appearances, but I've learned to grow quiet accustomed to them.


Well I don't think my situation is that big but thank you for sharing


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## Faery (May 18, 2011)

Yes. This kind of obsessive way is the way I love. If she's like you, she'll understand and appreciate it. There is nothing wrong with you. You don't need to be fixed or tempered. I'm not sure if Ni-doms are more prone to this kind of obsessive love but I've noticed it in more often in introverted intuitive (INxx) types. If you look at other parts of your life (hobbies, passions, interests), do you become obsessed and intensely focused on what you like? You dive deep into what interests you because you want to understand it and connect with it fully. The same devotion and intent can be directed towards a person.


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## dreadstripes (Jun 17, 2021)

Calm down, stalker. My girlfriend is also an INFP writer. If you tell us when did you realize you love her and why do you think this is an obsession, we can figure out what to do.


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## lovecraftd9 (Jun 17, 2021)

Faery said:


> Yes. This kind of obsessive way is the way I love. If she's like you, she'll understand and appreciate it. There is nothing wrong with you. You don't need to be fixed or tempered. I'm not sure if Ni-doms are more prone to this kind of obsessive love but I've noticed it in more often in introverted intuitive (INxx) types. If you look at other parts of your life (hobbies, passions, interests), do you become obsessed and intensely focused on what you like? You dive deep into what interests you because you want to understand it and connect with it fully. The same devotion and intent can be directed towards a person.


I'd not say I obsess over things I enjoy generally but I'm really a focused person. I easily can focus on things I do (not anymore, lol) so I thought like maybe I focus on a person too much right now.



dreadstripes said:


> Calm down, stalker. My girlfriend is also an INFP writer. If you tell us when did you realize you love her and why do you think this is an obsession, we can figure out what to do.


In the beginning, I only thought she's a nice person. Then I started hearing she and her best friend (INTP) having conversations about weird (but funny and interesting) stuff and I kinda liked her creative, weird and messy mind. She spends a lot of time in the library, spreading papers and books on the desk, having a rest on the sofas... One day I went to the library to study and she was right in front of the desk I was on. She was writing something passionately (also suffering, lol) then she lost her attention and stood up, had a walk around the library with dance-like steps, and sat to write again. I was already lost my attention and watching her. That moment I realized I'm into her. Things went crazy after that.

I think this is an obsession because I fantasize things about us based on HER STORIES. I hate to admit this but whenever I read one of them and if there's a line about love I find myself daydreaming like she says these things to me, touching my face. Irl, I want to be the one who takes care of her and who is trusted by her. I want her to be part of my life. Everyone has flaws but they don't matter to me, I love her flaws too (and I don't see them as flaws.) I'm surprised that no one ever loved her. (she says that. we can't know if there was a creep like me before.) She's really like a ghost at the school and I sometimes think I'm haunted because how can be the only one who sees this beautiful creature?


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## dreadstripes (Jun 17, 2021)

lovecraftd9 said:


> I'd not say I obsess over things I enjoy generally but I'm really a focused person. I easily can focus on things I do (not anymore, lol) so I thought like maybe I focus on a person too much right now.
> 
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Writers (especially INFP ones) literally lives inside their head with characters they create so you have to get her attention carefully. She may fail to notice if you don't show your interest enough. And If she doesn't give the reaction you need, you have to wait for her to figure out what she feels. But don't let your feelings hurt her.


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## Penny (Mar 24, 2016)

no but when i was 16 i used to "date" this older guy. i used to call him like 10 times a day lol


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

Faery said:


> Yes. This kind of obsessive way is the way I love. If she's like you, she'll understand and appreciate it. There is nothing wrong with you. You don't need to be fixed or tempered. I'm not sure if Ni-doms are more prone to this kind of obsessive love but I've noticed it in more often in introverted intuitive (INxx) types. If you look at other parts of your life (hobbies, passions, interests), do you become obsessed and intensely focused on what you like? You dive deep into what interests you because you want to understand it and connect with it fully. The same devotion and intent can be directed towards a person.


I was thinking it's probably more common with introverts too, because they're often more inhibited in their expression and maybe more prone to rumination.

But like you said--there can be a positive side of obsessiveness. Someone else said maybe it's about Sx instinct. Do you think so?


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

lovecraftd9 said:


> I'd not say I obsess over things I enjoy generally but I'm really a focused person. I easily can focus on things I do (not anymore, lol) so I thought like maybe I focus on a person too much right now.
> 
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Sometimes people express themselves in writing better. You seem like you express yourself in writing well--do you write stories?

I think an INFP would appreciate that you care about her creativity and that you noticed the little things that make her, her. 

Many girls experience unwanted attention from guys, but it's usually like "I wanted to fuck someone and then there was a girl in front of me so I said "hey beautiful" because even if she's quiet and boring, and plain-looking and kind of weird she has big tits and I want to brag to my friends how I have a longer list of sexual partners."

I'm exaggerating a bit, but I'm trying to create a kind of hyperbolic contrast to the type of thing you paid attention to with the girl that you are attracted to. I think everything you described is fairly respectful and shows an appreciation of her that she might be able to appreciate in herself. 

And I think it's common for INFPs to want to be valued for what they value (and she obviously values creativity and her imagination).

But it's far more common to be valued for social conventions like whether you are charming or gregarious, or entertaining, or physically attractive etc. So it can start to make someone feel alienated when their values and what they like (and who they would prefer to be) don't match who others seem to expect everyone to be. And this can be compounded by negative experiences.

So those are some great things to compliment her on or to somehow express to her (maybe--maybe through writing too, if there is some way) so that she can tell you are not like the other type of guy I described above. 

Almost everything you said seems like something most INFP women I can think of would appreciate. I also like the way you communicate some of your feelings more poetically--like "I must be haunted because only I see this beautiful creature."

Perhaps if you are a writer, you could write some poetry or something and see what she thinks--it could be a way to connect. Or perhaps you could try to read some books that she's into and talk to her about that. 

But I think it would be nice for you to share your positive feelings about her (not necessarily the desires for touch and the fantasizing and the stalking...at least not right away?)--because if she feels no one ever loved her, she probably feels pretty alone and unappreciated. And so hearing that she made such a positive impression on you might help her see she can be appreciated for her creativity, the things she values etc. And that people aren't all just like the loud ones who might not really care for those things.


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

Also @lovecraftd9 (I thought of more)

INTJs sometimes have detailed imaginations. It sounds like she really appreciates and values imagination, and it also sounds like her creativity is triggering your imagination. Maybe you can try to find a way to share that or connect on that level?


* *





Fantasies, after all, are creations of the imagination and they thrive off of your imagination. (I thought about them recently--like they must be associated with phantoms...funny you related her to a ghost.)

But perhaps that could be one way that you could connect with her--I don't know what INTJs are like irl or how reserved you tend to be, or how you tend to express yourself verbally. But maybe even giving written feedback on her writing could help you to articulate your inner world a little more and your imagination.

Idk. I've never met an INTJ irl but I have talked to them on the forums and it seems common for them to have a lot going on inside of their imaginations and thoughts. So it could be a way you might connect, regarding creativity and imagination and writing. 

I used to love English class and the types of discussions we had in there--so if she's really interested in literature and writing, she might enjoy talking about the themes and interpretations of her favorite books or her own writing or writing you like. Perhaps you can offer a different perspective etc. And then maybe that will provide an opportunity to connect on that level if you haven't.

Rather than just asking her out without her knowing why you even want to go out with her--if she doesn't know much about you (again--I don't know how reserved INTJ tend to be). Idk--it might work if you create some aura of mystery that triggers her imagination, but I'm not the type to contrive plans like that so I wouldn't be able to suggest anything. Though I can say that I enjoy my imagination, and I do like it when someone can activate it or trigger it, I think. And Ni types can be good at that.




But that way you can get to know each other? And be sure you're not just in love with a phantom. haha


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