# Do negative or hurtful past experiences affect your behavior negatively?



## Fennel (Jan 11, 2017)

@Llyralen I'm a little hurt that you didn't seem to notice my earlier (and much longer) post... Emphasis on little.
I know that the topic has already moved on so it's moot, but it's a shame that I can't contribute any more.


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## Penny (Mar 24, 2016)

Llyralen said:


> I hear people often explaining people's negative behavior as stemming from all sorts of hurtful or negative experiences.... yet there are people who go through the same experiences and do not behave negatively and are healthy in how they feel about themselves and others.
> 
> Have you ever talked to people who were abandoned by their parents and foster parents.... who turned out caring and functional? I have.
> 
> ...


some people are more resilient than others. some have supports where others don't. some have positive attitudes instilled in them where others have a negative attitude. so many factors..


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## Shrodingers drink (Nov 30, 2018)

The best way to think of it is fight/flight/freeze. The pain of going through a hellish experience is a powerful motivator. Some people will run away in fright. Some will harden themselves and stop caring for others, while some will just give up and succumb. The hardest option is to embrace your pain and use it to motivate you to stop the same thing happening to others.


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## advotpetal (Jul 8, 2019)

To me it does. It affects people differently. 

For example, you just found out that your friend actually doesn't like you. They say that anything positive they said about you was a complete lie. 

You either:

- You leave them and never make any friends again
- Know that such people exist and keep on the lookout for such people. 
- Try to fix things
etc.

Some people try to make something positive about negative experiences. Like if you got scammed for a couple of times, you'll know such people exist and you'll watch out for such people.

Some people take it very negatively. Some people become more pessimistic. 

Of course, these aren't the only things that can happen to a person after they had a negative experience.


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## Ode to Trees (Aug 25, 2011)

There are more than a couple of theories/variables at work here. To figure out how they all interconnect requires time and the existence of adequate research resources because it is the complicated inquiry (yours @Llyralen ) for simplistic answers. I do not wonder why there is dissatisfaction.

You would probably need a couple of dissertations posted here on a post-graduate level. Anything less is highly unfair, sloppy, and inadequate. It could be easily self-serving for some not to address adequate underlying issues but claim superiority. I have seen it before on PerC, and I do question such persons' motivations, intentional ignorance as well as a lack of EQ. It is like trying to plug a hole in a leaking boat to prevent its sinking when there are multiple holes in their argument/s -boat. Just check some arguments/generalizations about anything outside of this forum. I do not think that the answer is within one discipline but interdisciplinary (psychological, social work, genetic, and sociological research). 

For now, I just have following since it is the complicated inquiry for simplistic answers:



For example, there is transgenerational learning theory (an inheritance of resiliency from ancestors via epigenetic activities – e.g. this could be seen in concentration camps survivors' offspring which is an extreme example; however, transgenerational learning does not have to be connected to trauma).
 


Then there is transgenerational trauma (it is closely connected to the previous hypothesis), and again there is a connection to epigenetic inheritance.
 


Furthermore, there is cellular memory theory (important for fetal survival and the development of an infant – basically begins at the second trimester after conception).
 


 Then, there is repeated exposure to the same or various traumatic events (e.g. think about complex PTSD and compare it a more obvious overt behavioral patterns in classic PTSD) versus one negative severe event. Continuation of traumatic or/and stressful events without developing appropriate coping mechanisms throughout adulthood does not help (an interplay of situational factors and one's own propensities to react negatively to stress/adverse events).
 


Furthermore, the severity of an event or events plays a role in therapeutic success. Some childhood traumatic events do not need a therapeutic intervention (i.e. go away by themselves). Moderately affective traumatic event(s) can go away with appropriate therapy (bear in mind that not all therapists are capable to address it – there are therapists specialized in trauma). Severe traumatic exposure/exposures (think what is severe for one individual is not severe for another – again inheritance plays a role here) might be resilient to therapeutic intervention and the consequent therapeutic effect would be minimal.
 


Childhood environment (especially early – first five years) and a parental role. Extremes are never promising– for example, one extremely strict and another meek parent versus moderately strict and moderately meek parents (think about a hot and cold shower). While it takes a village to raise a child, sometimes the village can be inadequate– one can see this easily in our society. The transgenerational circle that never stops in some communities especially in those with few resources (material, emotional, therapeutic, educational, etc.).
 
An individual after trauma can grow seemingly resilient to brutality in the environment but develops other disordered behaviors themselves (that depends on some of the above-mentioned factors) such as anything from sub-clinical tendencies to full-blown sociopathy, addictions and other maladaptive behaviors (e.g. a father beats a male child or was an alcoholic – the child grows up to beat his SO or/and develops alcoholism). On the other hand, a female child who was beaten by an alcoholic father seeks an abusive SO. Some of these women are easy pray for online daters/manipulators who seek instant gratification (sex) or money, and it surprising to some that they an easy prey to inmates (however there could be other types of vulnerability in some cases).


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## Llyralen (Sep 4, 2017)

@Ode to Trees. I think you’re bringing up a question about my motivation in asking the question? Since ENFPs learn by asking questions, all I wanted people to do was self-reflect and actually question how they view this about themselves and others. It definitely is a question for a dissertation as you say— if I’d been looking for answers. And there were a few people who had obviously asked this question before or learned it and know more than I do who i learned from in this thread. Just exploring the question was good for me, as usual. 

I believe there has been lots of research done and a lot of the info has to do with neuroscience— basically how old you are when things happen because the human brain does adapt to the environment. A warrior mind in a warrior culture during times of war is acceptable and desired by society as well as increasing odds for self-preservation. A scholar’s mind at peaceful times.. the same.., etc. 

I knew a guy (friend only) who used to tell me he was a “goober” and every time he did something rude or stupid he would say to me “What do you expect? I’m a goober.” It was his crutch and his alibi and it was infuriating. I think negative past experiences can become someone’s “goober”. I think people need to have faith that they can break free from whatever they have been through, and I think people often don’t and sometimes they can be dependent on others or be hurting others with the excuse for years, actually. 

This question was to plant a seed that things can get better and to gain perspective of what that might look like. because it can be a huge source of creativity, compassion and wisdom. 

I also think that there is kind of a sickness that can happen for people who are depressed that they might think they are the only ones who have been hurt and even if given examples of people going through hardships but gaining wisdom, they often will not be inspired and will sometimes even look at others’ suffering with contempt or say something really dark like “It’s because they are normies that they can get over stuff”— really separating themselves and dwelling in a negative space without perspective of other individual’s lives. 

So yes, compassion and then healing and progression should be the goal, imo. For their benefit, for everyone else’s, etc. Get from unhealthy to healthy before other people get hurt is the goal imo. I’m personally always grateful and feel happier when I am reminded that there are others that have suffered much more than myself and lived with compassion and love. 

So I know tert Te comes out here... there are much stronger Te users who wouldn’t even see the compassion part of things, they would just “buck up” and “get stuff done” you know? And really wouldn’t take their own experience as meaning much but a hurtle, but for me this question with my Fi and Te in the middle is a lot more balanced between compassion to get someone feeling better and thinking of others. Perspective pretty much always helps me. It took me a long time to realize that that approach might not help my INFP husband— actually now that he’s about to turn 40 a lot more Te has kicked in but I’m still not sure that he gets inspired by hearing about people who have weathered things, but a bit more Te motivation has come in. However, for many people an Fi-Te kind of inspiration from a place of compassion where you see what another individual has accomplished despite odds does help. Perspective, basically, is very valued by me and after age 26 has always helped me be happier. Not that I don’t still have growing to do. 
But many people on here have stated “So and so is a certain way because they were emotionally abused” and it doesn’t have to be that black and white at all, does it? Hence this question which I hope helps others as well as myself.


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## Ode to Trees (Aug 25, 2011)

Llyralen said:


> @*Ode to Trees*. I think you’re bringing up a question about my motivation in asking the question? Since ENFPs learn by asking questions, all I wanted people to do was self-reflect and actually question how they view this about themselves and others. It definitely is a question for a dissertation as you say— if I’d been looking for answers. And there were a few people who had obviously asked this question before or learned it and know more than I do who i learned from in this thread. Just exploring the question was good for me, as usual.
> 
> I believe there has been lots of research done and a lot of the info has to do with neuroscience— basically how old you are when things happen because the human brain does adapt to the environment. A warrior mind in a warrior culture during times of war is acceptable and desired by society as well as increasing odds for self-preservation. A scholar’s mind at peaceful times.. the same.., etc.
> 
> ...


* I got a sense that you were not somewhat satisfied with all responses since you asked one person for research papers.* It was not satisfactory to me as well. I was very busy to answer back then and had problems with the website.
Well, I honestly think that there is a lot of blaming of people who had been in some predicament and as a consequence they could not get over it, or they repressed it only to come in an uglier and unhealthier ways. There is plenty of repression in seemingly healthy people, and I have seen that in my family. It took me a lot of time to finally understand that their unhealthiness is not my fault and such understanding was the basis for the forgiveness. But, first I had to learn where their behavior comes from as well. I will not say that did not profoundly formed me because it involved toxicity and abuse over two decades of my life. 

But, I get sense from not only NF forums and from one particular response to your question that they oversimplified what you asked and even blamed the people you are talking about but also the same from PerC in general. I do not know anymore how this can be psychology oriented site. It can get very black and white in here. I keep seeing blame except understanding where unhealthy behaviors come from a lot of time all over PerC. It feels almost a cultural thing in a sense though. This is specifically tough for men. Also, as women get more and more emancipated and because patriarchy is almost done with in the West, this is expected from women too. Be though, suffer in silence, smile behind a pain, do not vent ever, keep your problems to oneself, do not ask for a help, do not admit that anything ever has been wrong with you because you are then less valued as a person, and even if you are ready to kill oneself for goodness sake why you have to let anyone know. I do not condone explanation such as "goober" for one's persistently annoying and unhealthy behavior. Or as an excuse. I still am trying to figure that one out. It feels like an entitlement almost. I need to research that one out. I think when individuals are not at their best meaning they are in an temporary unhealthy state that occasional behavioral patters are expected especially if it gets that severe such as depression and anxiety. If person is not well for a prolonged period of time, or if they have a personality disorder, I do not really expect that they become beautiful people overnight. They are not necessarily the type that go for kindness and respectability. One reason being that they have to first start loving themselves. However, through therapy, one can hopefully realize that. Not everybody will admit to themselves how unhealthy they are and how they are bringing everybody else down with them. It is a warped sense of self and others. However, just because there is a cup of poison somewhere, I do not need to go and keep drinking it. In such cases, the separation is sometimes the paramount to stay healthy and recover for myself because too much toxicity does have a negative impact if one stays around such person. This is a very though thing to do if one loves such person. Hopefully, one will learn how cyclical unhealthiness can get.
To add,
Depression can bring a false sense of hopelessness and helplessness and has to be dealt with. People who have it (although it can show in a variety of ways) do not see their future as bright at all. That is seen in Learned helplessness theory in the following (I would bring a better source than Wikipedia but I have to go). 
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Learned_helplessness


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## 74893H (Dec 27, 2017)

It's a mixture of nature and nurture I think, and more importantly peoples' past experiences also play into how they'll react to future experiences. There's no set formula of if X happens person will be this, if Y happens person will be this, but there are stimuli and potential consequences it can have on a person's personality and worldview, depending on the person. Then on the nature side there's the fact that some people are just born more neurotic than others, as neuroticism can be inherited from parents, and the more neurotic the person the worse they're affected by trauma. Along with other inheritable traits but I'm not really sure of any of the others.

As for whether it affects me specifically, kind of. I haven't really had much trauma so it's hard to give a general yes or no, but a lot of school bullying has pretty much made me a withdrawn-ass reserved-ass blank slate of a person too afraid of rejection to open up and be himself around people. Fun times are had. I am naturally neurotic and I'm pretty certain of where I got it from. If I wasn't neurotic, who knows how I'd have ended up instead. Maybe I'd have the fortitude to be like the people you mentioned who took it on the nose and carried on doing their thing. Really hard to say. Or maybe I wouldn't have even had cause to be picked on in the first place.


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## Sour Roses (Dec 30, 2015)

A little oversimplified, but...
I think of it as a bank account. Over the course of one's life, we have both negative and positive experiences coming in. 
While those ledgers aren't always well balanced, some people fail utterly to tally up the good, while others can't help but see it and marvel.
One, or a handful, of really negative experiences can blind people to all the great experiences they have that others haven't had.

Someone who's life has been full of accomplishment and adventure, might become inconsolable over a rape or murder of a family member...
meanwhile someone who has never had anything that terrible happen to them, but is stuck in a life with nothing particularly good, no love, and no opportunities to improve, might become depressed and suicidal over what _looks_ like "nothing"...
Both these people can experience a similar pain.

If they swapped places, despite also feeling the personal pain, would they be able to see more of the good in the life the other hadn't been able to?

At the end of the day, I believe two things simultaneously;

- Life is pain, you just learn to get used to it.
- Joy comes in the morning, and hope is what keeps us alive.

These two variables are what make us human. And real. 
Learning to find the balance is a growing thing - not many of us can do it naturally, it takes work. 
And patience. And work. 

But then some people never get the memo that effort is required, that mindsets are a matter of constant cultivation rather than some magical happenstance... so they perpetually think in the way that is easiest to think.


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## LasseGelassen (Jul 11, 2019)

enfj here.

I think negative experiences led me to become the most positive person I know. I went to dark phases in my life and in a way I don't want others to feel the same so I try to make everyone happy, at least this is what I was like until a few months ago. Kind of like overcompensation if thats the right term.

Then I broke up with my long term gf (infp) and felt this urge to grow, I know this may sound ridiculous for some. Then I learnt to let thing go, I went into myself, dug up everything that I over the time of my life suppressed or did not want to feel about it and processed all of it. It was a stirring time but totally worth it! I reached a level of balance, self awareness and mindfulness I did not know was possible and even feel like there is so much yet to discover. Life has completely changed and it feels amazing. 

To put it in a nutshell hurtful past experience are chances for growth or denial, it just depends on you.


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## WraithOfNightmare (Jun 20, 2019)

Yes, though I try to keep it to a minimum.

1. I grew up on the female side of my family, the focus of some of them on their looks, on buying expensive clothes and shoes and indulging in vanity over really taking care of me and trying to know me has left scars. I am extremely strict with myself and sometimes with others when it comes to dressing up / anything clothes and looks related, I realize sometimes I criticize healthy and normal pursuit of beauty / fashion as vanity. I have a fear of standing out by dressing up too much. I hate to dress up / dress for the occasion. I could honestly give less of a darn to my appearance. Deep down, when I see, for example, a girl I find pretty and that I like the way she dresses, I'm like "oh wow that's actually quite pretty, quite nice to see" or "oh wow she's hot" but I'm never able to fully engage in that sensation because there's an inner voice that tells me "looks are deceiving and focusing too long on outward impressions often leads to disappointment." This is also very funny because I do have an artistic side and sometimes I am curious about fashion design, but then I can't get rid of the voice that keeps telling me "it's all vanity", "it's all pointlessness", "it's all a facade."


2. I grew up not having my deepest feelings and needs validated or appreciated. It wasn't so much an issue of "children should be seen, not heard" as it was an issue of an unstable family situation where nobody was healthy or happy enough to really summon the strength and the heart to take care of me and really be there for me. During my early childhood my dad was an arrogant yet insecure and psychologically struggling Chinese man who, on certain occasions, inflicted corporal punishment on me when he was dealing with marriage and work-related stresses. Eventually my folks divorced.

I don't have an exact, concise idea of how my Fi formed, but if I had to give an explanation, it would be a combination of A) I've always been naturally introspective and looking for "more" as part of my nature, even when I was a kid I often preferred the company of adults B) The lack of familial warmth and closeness led me to seek many answers, values, and judgments on my own with little to no external help. Where else could I have gotten the answers I was looking for?

While this has definitely given me depth, and perhaps wisdom, it also makes my mind fragile and prone to overthinking that results in periods of pessimism. I ruminate, it's not easy for me to let go of a feeling, an idea even if it's just something small. It's very hard for my mind to truly relax and feel at ease as I'm always wondering about something. I also set the bar very high when it comes to people, possibly higher than most. I have a hard time for accepting people as they are, I feel a sense of disappointment when they do not echo my ideas and my sentiments, when they lack "depth". I also have a tendency to over-idealize some people but see the worst in others and overly question their motives for everything in a negative sense. Sometimes I just want to get away from people, from all of it, and there's a feeling in me that this world's a bit too small to contain all of my soul, yet then again I am grounded to this earth.


3. In relation to my previous point, I was exposed to parent / child reversal for a significant portion of my upbringing. Seeing how parents can be so flawed and how they're only human after all has made me very sensitive to parent-child dynamics that I see in others. I literally feel THAT WAS ME when I see a child getting yelled at or spoken loudly / harshly to by mommy or daddy. Not all people are fit to parent. My older male INFJ friend thinks I'd make a wonderful dad, but if I were to have kids I would have constant doubts as to whether I'm doing the right thing for them, and I'd have a hard time finding a balance between parenting them and having time to myself. I'd also have constant doubts as to whether I can teach them well, because I've been exposed to so much BS myself.



4. Sometimes innocent comments and questions can feel like personal attacks to me, and I feel anger. Usually I keep it to myself, but sometimes I have a fit of rage. I can be overly sensitive and take things personally though I don't like to admit it. Doesn't help I'm also a water sign.



5. I suck at expressing myself verbally, but do it much better through writing. The reason why I suck at expressing myself verbally may be related to #2 and #3, but it's also because I've got more time to gather my thoughts when writing. If I have to express myself verbally, especially when it comes to the simple, "everyday" things, I stumble.




6. "Just having a good time" doesn't come as easily to me as it would to some others. I've built so many psychological fortresses over the years.


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## Introvertia (Feb 6, 2016)

I automatically think of different temperaments. Some people rise faster after facing misfortune and turn it into something else entirely, like stir willpower to fight or focus on the positive things waiting in the future. Have hope. Maybe people who don't rise so fast have different wiring and hurt deeper and longer. Idk.


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## Crowbo (Jul 9, 2017)

They can but I think moreso if you let them affect you to that extent, so I'd say it's mostly your choice.


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## Carla Rose (Feb 28, 2013)

Lady of Clockwork said:


> others spend their lives determined that others won't have the same experience, and get so wound up in this state of protecting others, they end up doing what they had been avoiding all along


'Doing what they had been avoiding all along'? What is that? I'm curious since my response to my painful past is closest to this one; becoming overprotective of others.


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## Llyralen (Sep 4, 2017)

LasseGelassen said:


> enfj here.
> 
> I think negative experiences led me to become the most positive person I know. I went to dark phases in my life and in a way I don't want others to feel the same so I try to make everyone happy, at least this is what I was like until a few months ago. Kind of like overcompensation if thats the right term.
> 
> ...


Awesome response!


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## Llyralen (Sep 4, 2017)

I do see the different locus of control in people's responses here. In a way, I think I wrote the OP wondering how different people without my same locus of control would respond-- although I hadn't put it that way to myself until now. 
I think locus of control must be a major world-view difference between people. 
For example, look at @Crowbo 's and @Introvertia 's different locus of control world views (above). Sorry for spotlighting you in this way without capitalizing on what you both said-- but it's very interesting!


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## Crowbo (Jul 9, 2017)

Llyralen said:


> I do see the different locust of control in people's responses here. In a way, I think I wrote the OP wondering how different people without my same locus of control would respond-- although I hadn't put it that way to myself until now.
> I think locust of control must be a major world-view difference between people.
> For example, look at @Crowbo 's and @Introvertia 's different locus of control world views (above). Sorry for spotlighting you in this way without capitalizing on what you both said-- but it's very interesting!


That's alright because I always appreciate your input . And yeah, my own locus of control more often than not tends to be internal more than it is external. This is because I usually want to believe that I can have the ability and the agency to take matters into my own hands and come out on top no matter what the odds may be and no matter what circumstances could stand in my way. If things go wrong I prefer to look within myself to see what I could've done better and analyze what I can do to improve my chances when I get a later go at it. I think that if I focus my shortcomings too much on external factors it'll mean that I'll be making excuses for my own failures if that makes any sense.


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## Llyralen (Sep 4, 2017)

Crowbo said:


> That's alright because I always appreciate your input . And yeah, my own locus of control more often than not tends to be internal more than it is external. This is because I usually want to believe that I can have the ability and the agency to take matters into my own hands and come out on top no matter what the odds may be and no matter what circumstances could stand in my way. If things go wrong I prefer to look within myself to see what I could've done better and analyze what I can do to improve my chances when I get a later go at it. I think that if I focus my shortcomings too much on external factors it'll mean that I'll be making excuses for my own failures if that makes any sense.


It does, and it is exactly how I feel as well. But how do people answer this question who don't have an internal locus of control? 

It's hard for me to even imagine what else there is to feel about it, I guess. 
And does it mean that hearing about people who rise above their circumstances is uninspiring to some? Like "that's fine for them" kind of thing? I think I used to not realize that Olympic athletes are as good as they are because they practice or train many hours per day. I think I used to think that kind of thing was just a "born with it" kind of thing entirely and now I think "born with it" is probably only 1-2% of the pie of their success. The rest is chosen, is passion-- daily choices. But why this degree of passion and commitment? Is that learned? Is that chosen? On a daily basis growing up there are so many choices and their reward and its just all so very complex. However, I feel like if I want to I have the freedom of mind to accomplish what is needed to maintain my mental health enough to not blame how I act on certain things. I don't know, its very complex. 

I'm aware, though, that other people can move forward and not feel a strong internal locus of control. I am learning. There are interesting questions like "Why do I have an internal locus of control?" Does MBTI have anything to do with it? I do think so... but why isn't my INFP husband's locus of control even higher than mine (with a tribal function like Te suppressed and the need to do what is believed to be right (Fi)) and his is not. Does seeing many possibilities add to internal locus of control? Does extroversion? (I would almost definitely say yes). Or does it have nothing to do with it? Yeah... there's so much. So many questions about how we arrive at our views of this.


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## Ksiaze (Jul 21, 2019)

I thought it's pretty much a no brainer?

Yeah of course negative, traumatic experiences shape your behaviour in later years, in fact, ALL sorts of experiences shape who you are.

If a person went through horrific shit, they will not be healthy, you might not notice it because you're looking for the wrong thing. The reason why some end up with super high empathy and some end up with depression or BPD or whatever is because of genetical make up.


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## Llyralen (Sep 4, 2017)

Ksiaze said:


> I thought it's pretty much a no brainer?
> 
> Yeah of course negative, traumatic experiences shape your behaviour in later years, in fact, ALL sorts of experiences shape who you are.
> 
> If a person went through horrific shit, they will not be healthy, you might not notice it because you're looking for the wrong thing. The reason why some end up with super high empathy and some end up with depression or BPD or whatever is because of genetical make up.


I don’t know if you read the post just ahead of yours. Some of us think it’s due to choice and agency. I have a hard time conceptualizing anything different than it being about choice, personally. I’m curious about your (and many people’s here) way of thinking: do you think some people consciously work to get healed and healthy after negative experiences?


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