# Introvert who's actually worse at one-on-one...



## Pyroscope (Apr 8, 2010)

I feel confused about my introversion because I feel like I go against two of the main points of being an introvert.
First, I actually think I do better in group situations because I can make jokes and be light-hearted more easily. When it's one-on-one my mind just freezes up and I can't think of interesting things to say.
Second, I don't feel like I think things through before I say them. It doesn't feel like I have to run through the words I'm going to say before I say them. Most of the time I would like to have a general idea of what I'm going to say (vaguely figure out the subject of my words before I let them out) but that's as far as it seems to go.
Even whilst writing this I suddenly wondered if not having it my head in great detail could be linked to perceiving?
I'm really unsure how to break out of this, I've realised I've spent so much time in groups that I feel like I don't know how to spend time with just one person. I want to change this because I feel like I don't know anyone properly. Even one of my best friends who I DO see one-on-one, I feel both boring and cold around him. Like I can't access my inner feelings enough and that I feel robotic like somehow.
Have any others found themselves bad at interacting one-at-one? Am I actually an incredibly shy extrovert or is it simply some kind of social-anxiety that I've got stuck in that makes me so bad at talking one-on-one?
I hate how little I feel I know everyone who's in my life. Group things are kind of entertaining but it feels like a rut and I'm finding it hard to see the point.
Can anyone help? I want to make a change and try and be happier.


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## PeacePassion (Jun 9, 2009)

I find it easier to hide in group situations, than one on one. Though I prefer one on one connections... I can have a hard time with them if I'm shutting down inside. 

Do you know your enneagram? Perhaps you are SP/SO, or SO/SP, that would probably affect how you are one on one, even being an introvert.


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## Pyroscope (Apr 8, 2010)

I feel the same way. I feel 'pressured' somehow when it's one-on-one. It can be amazing sometimes, but most of the time I just don't know what to say and feel like I'm 'going through the motions' of greeting people.
I think I'm a four, but the stackings I'm less sure of. I think you may have a point though, the sx first ones I relate to less I think, though I can see parts of me in all of them.

sp/so - "this subtype of Four is prone to romanticize intimacy without actually pursuing real relationships" "when less healthy they might suffer from boughts of melancholy or self pity"
sp/sx - "When unhealthy, these Fours can become very disdainful of the social environment. They also start to envy the ease with which others seem to form relationships and maintain friendships"
sx/sp - "They are driven to form connections but have very high demands of their partners"
sx/so - "They can go from relationship to relationship, seemingly tortured by each one"

I was going to do the same with the so/sp and so/sx but I relate to most of both descriptions, I think you may be on to something... The so/sx type describes really well how I used to be not long ago. I feel like I've lost some of my 'lightness' lately. I used to have more sx traits when I was younger. I let out frustration more and was a lot more expressive with what I felt. The main sx aspect I relate to now is really wanting a strong connection, but I tend to withdraw way too quickly from them if they're not what I want them to be and I don't think I have a natural ability to make them very well. I often find myself thinking 'I'd like to be trying to talk to this person, but I'd just fail' so I don't. When I do try and talk to just one person, I seem to mess it up, I run out of steam to quickly and feel awkward and blank, so I feel put off it. Whereas I can make people in groups laugh and feel less shitty about myself.
Not sure if any of this helps you with understanding? I theoretically prefer one-on-one connections if I can talk to the person without shutting down, but I almost always do :frustrating: How do you have good one-on-one conversations? I feel so self-conscious and unconfident about myself that I can't find the words. Something's been worrying me lately though, that sometimes I just don't want to try. The part of me that wants to make connections dies and I don't even want to try to talk to other people, I just want to leave. But then I don't think I want to be in a group either when that happens.
This is all a bit muddled, sorry


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## Erbse (Oct 15, 2010)

The longing phase will disappear soon enough again, every introvert has his occasional desires for social interactions, but many seemingly lack the piers to fulfill them correctly. I'm not excluded to that habit, in fact it applies to me just perfectly. However, I only get a 'social phase' once a year, for maybe a few weeks tops (<4 weeks typically) and them I'm back to the good ol' basement dweller.

The way I overcome the phase to suck information out of people I haven't talked to in years. I've no problem approaching people I haven't talked to in years and just see what's up. Otherwise I ponder things more in depth with people I consider capable - these are mostly online friends, though, rather than real life acquaintances.

I'm terrible at one on one conversations unless they provide depth and secondly are in the field of my interests. I can't do small talk to save my life, I don't connect through superficial stuff. My mind freezes and I let silence prevail, or I talk about something I like without being able to measure whether or not the other person either cares or can keep up with the train of thought I'm laying out.

Perhaps in the future I'll try a blunt 'hey you, I want to be close to you' attempt on a solely logical basis and see how that fares. Truth be told however, I can already imagine the other persons 'what the hell' expression or 'creeped outness'. It shall be an experiment :mellow:


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## Pyroscope (Apr 8, 2010)

I find my longing comes a lot more frequently than that. I enjoy being on my own to the extent that I have freedom, no obligations to others and I can investigate whatever it is that I want to, but I nearly always feel lonely. When I read the Fi descriptions vs the Ti descriptions, I finally decided I was Fi-dom because although my lack of connection does cause me to think about the problems of existence and life, I am overwhelmed by a sense of feeling, even if I cannot accurately describe word-for-word what they are. I find it easier to dwell on that feeling than to analytically deconstruct.
I think I've been using Te too much lately as well. I've begun to very concisely answer things. In the sense that I look for all the points that I think I need to address and do it in a far too systematic way. It's partly because I feel bad if I forget to respond to every point, partly because something feels very wrong with my interaction ability now, I have to force things a lot more and Te can systematically respond. It's draining and unsatisfying for me to respond like that but I've somehow got into the habit of it. I miss how I used to be, I'd just indulge my tangents and things would come more easily to me. Mainly because it would be something people-based and I naturally seemed to have some observations and thoughts about what certain things could mean. That seems to have gone downhill a lot lately for me and I'm a lot less satisfied with everything now. I feel so disconnected :sad:
This post came out a lot more emo than I intended... I'm grateful to you for posting, it's helping me explore a lot more, I want to feel less rigid :mellow:


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## PeacePassion (Jun 9, 2009)

Erbse said:


> I'm terrible at one on one conversations unless they provide depth and secondly are in the field of my interests. I can't do small talk to save my life, I don't connect through superficial stuff. My mind freezes and I let silence prevail, or I talk about something I like without being able to measure whether or not the other person either cares or can keep up with the train of thought I'm laying out.


exactly. the mind freeze is the hardest part too. i feel like i may as well start drooling while i'm at it, at that point. j/k.


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## Erbse (Oct 15, 2010)

PeacePassion said:


> exactly. the mind freeze is the hardest part too. i feel like i may as well start drooling while i'm at it, at that point. j/k.


Well, it doesn't exactly freeze, but it loops 'what should I say and/or we talk about?' without ever answering the question rather than looping it away :tongue:


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## dagnytaggart (Jun 6, 2010)

PeacePassion said:


> I find it easier to hide in group situations, than one on one. Though I prefer one on one connections... I can have a hard time with them if I'm shutting down inside.
> 
> Do you know your enneagram? Perhaps you are SP/SO, or SO/SP, that would probably affect how you are one on one, even being an introvert.


Agreed...I'm a definite E, but I get antsy and uncomfortable in one-on-one situations. It's just too intense for me to be the main focus AND for me to have to focus on one person. Oddly enough, I perform though, and I don't mind that. Because it's my craft, and I don't have to worry about ONE person.

And yeah, I'm an SP/SO.


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## Pyroscope (Apr 8, 2010)

I'm sort of conflicted with this... I've always been dissatisfied with my relationships because they don't feel deep enough, but I don't know how to change that... I think I try and be happy with them being less than I want them to be but it never works. The relationships I had that I consider to be the best were one with an ExFP where we had such amazing interaction, the talking was effortless and I felt much more in sync with her. Though when I think about it, we didn't always go that deep, we'd tend to talk about random things and go off on tangents lots rather than getting too much into personal feelings. It was 5-6 years ago though so it's pretty hard to remember...

The other relationship that meant something to me was with an on-again off-again one with an ENTP. It felt like we saw the world quite similarly in a way but differed in some of our core values. But we actually talked about meaningful things and I felt so much better then. It didn't always happen though and I got resentful because she always claimed to have a random abstract side that I felt like she didn't want to share with me. I came to realise a lot of this was my fault though, I was always more interested in her sharing her feelings with me than sharing mine with her, which wasn't really fair. She probably would have trusted me more to let out her craziness if she didn't feel like I'd judge her (I never did, but I understand where she was coming from, I was always afraid of my feelings being judged too).
There was a lot of miscommunication, most of which I blame myself for, but tend to presume she thinks revealing anything was a mistake (now she says she doesn't remember, but it sounds more like 'this isn't worth going into' to me). She revealed a lot and even cried once in my arms. I think she feels like she freaked me out then because she apologised loads afterwards and even though I sincerely meant it when I told her she shouldn't be sorry for expressing it I don't think she believed me.
Well that was far too many words for such a simple expression... 


God said:


> It's just too intense for me to be the main focus AND for me to have to focus on one person


 This does sound a little bit like me though... More like the recent me though. One thing I wonder about is that I usually feel uncomfortable when a part of me is saying 'What are you doing? There's no connection here, you can't possibly think this will be anything can you??' Like it's stemming from dissatisfaction with the person I'm with. When I can get on that personal level and be in the realm that feels natural to me then I feel much happier with one-on-one than group stuff, because I'd rather know one person properly than loads of people superficially.


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## SeekJess (Nov 1, 2009)

I'm like a xSTP. I switch soo much. Usually when I am going through some turmoil I spend more time alone like I am right now. Usually when I go over a friends house I am called quiet and shy, but I'm really just enjoying their company and listening to them talk. I do better in 1 on 1 situations, I do not like splitting my attention. 

I dunno... I wouldn't worry about it too much. Introverts are great at appearing out going, they just need more time alone to recharge.


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## brightteyes (Aug 15, 2010)

> I find it easier to hide in group situations, than one on one. Though I prefer one on one connections... I can have a hard time with them if I'm shutting down inside.


I can totally agree with this. I feel the same way. 



> I'm sort of conflicted with this... I've always been dissatisfied with my relationships because they don't feel deep enough, but I don't know how to change that... I think I try and be happy with them being less than I want them to be but it never works.


I am like this also.



> I feel confused about my introversion because I feel like I go against two of the main points of being an introvert.
> First, I actually think I do better in group situations because I can make jokes and be light-hearted more easily. When it's one-on-one my mind just freezes up and I can't think of interesting things to say.


You're last sentence in this paragraph makes sense to me. When I'm with a group of people I can easily get away with saying less because other people joke around and next thing I know I'll start laughing. The people are the life of the party and I'm just kind of there sitting in the background. There's just so much going on that people don't stop and think about something, they just keep on adding on to the jokes then as time grows, it's not like I am there anymore. Anything that is said, they don't look for the person whos mouth it came out of. But when you're on 1 on 1 there is silence and there is only two people to keep the conversation going, and it seems like you actually have to be funny, or you have to make jokes to entertain the person. But in the group of people, other people do that for you.

I am somewhat on the same page with you when you say that you feel more comfortable in group situations, though the test is telling you that you are an introvert. Though I am an introvert, (I know so) I like to sociallize with small groups of people because when you are hanging out with a group of friends, their focus isn't zeroed in on you, which eliminates doubting or negative thoughts. When I am with a group of people, our ideas just bounce off one another and our activities jump around a lot. So we're not always focusing on one thing. But I can see that you don't get the connection of certain people or that you don't get to know them personally when you're with this group.

1). When you are with a group of friends hanging out, it is easier to mask your true feelings in the chaos of the group. 

2). Usually when you are with a group of friends it's because there is an event that is going on, such as a parties, or just simply hanging out. The time spent at these events don't go into depth, you are simply hanging out to have a good time so you're nessacarily not going to get much out of the conversations than you would if the event was formal. 

3). When I'm in a group of people my ideas and comments are welcome but people usually don't want to listen to my opinions over topics that are serious.​
Spending time one-on-one with someone that I don't know is uncomfortable and makes me feel nervous. That's when I get social anxiety. But if I sit it out long enough and find common ground with the person that I'm talking to, than I can really open up to them and let the walls come down because we aren't under the influence of our other friends. I can actually let loose and be myself, and really get their honest opinion. It's just easier sometimes to have one-on-one conversations, but it's not easy to acheive them if you are shy. But it can be a problem if you have no motive with that person because then it can get boring. You come to the point where you tell yourself: 'I really don't think that I'm getting anything out of this relationship' and if that's really the case than you can change something about it.


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