# Emotionally cornered and can't function



## Fennel (Jan 11, 2017)

Cornered again. This is why I hate arguments. Sooner or later, people question my morals. And then I end up considering what they say, and questioning myself. How can I function when the people I care about are the same people who question both my sincerity and motives? How can I assert or express myself to them?

So I walked away. There was no other choice. I'm not good at persuading people, especially if we believe totally different things. Different sets of values.

I had been accused of being dishonest by someone I dared to be vulnerable with.
I had been accused of being manipulative by someone I went out of my comfort zone to seek help from.

If what happened were simple rejection of me, that would have been well and good. I'm used to being rejected, ostracized and ridiculed. Comes with the territory. But making me question my own values was way below the belt. As far as the particular situation went, I was not aware of any hidden agendas on my part. 

But maybe in the past I might have tried it. Maybe in the future, I would do it. That's the scary part. We're all capable of turning traitor and hurting the ones we love the most. Just considering the possibility makes me hate myself. No wonder I'm physically, mentally and emotionally falling apart. At a very deep subconscious level, I'd rather be weak than have the power to hurt anyone.

So now I can't function. I can hardly think straight - when I try to read a book, I fall asleep. I "forget" to eat my meals and have to be forced to, so I can take my medication. I've had a cold that may have progressed to a full blown flu... There, I just fell asleep while typing this... Can't go any deeper than that, unless someone brings it out of me. It is painful, but I can't even cry. I look okay on the outside, but inside I'm demolished. That's what happens when your entire value system is being questioned. I am so totally invalidated, that I can't find the nerve to validate my own views, beliefs, and choices. I want to move on, but I can't. I feel paralyzed and I can't believe in myself anymore. - fell asleep again, sorry - I can't afford to stay like this until tomorrow. I need help to get over what happened.


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## Six (Oct 14, 2019)

The last insight I ever came to was that I genuinely do know myself better than anyone else does.

If you're an INFJ:

I think we tend to assume when confronted with something we're ambiguous on regarding our own conduct that another person can see something about us we can't - like we can't see our own face, others are able to see our psychological blindspots.

However, whilst that can be a charitable position to have in most conflicts, it's not a position most people share, a lot of people have total conviction of their own point of view not by comparing theirs with those of others but simply because theirs is the only one which matters most to them.

However in the end what you'll find you have to accept is your self-knowledge has been formed out of the cross-comparison, multi-faceted confluence of as many possible points of view and perspectives as you've had the ability to understand and see sense in - you're utterly entitled to tell people they don't know a damn thing about you feeling full conviction on that point after you've put so much effort into understanding others.

If you're an INFP:

You've navigated a house of pain to try to formulate, based on your own instincts, a consistent value system - no-one else will have gone through as much suffering as you have to fashion that series of values - and for that reason absolutely no-one is equipped to make you question it.


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## Fennel (Jan 11, 2017)

The power of words. Consciously, I reject all the accusations against the integrity of my self-knowledge and belief system. Subconsciously, those words became emotional poison. Statements from enemies or strangers are easy to dismiss. Statements from friends that I cared for and had opened my heart to are not easy to discard or forget...


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## valosagutas (Nov 5, 2017)

Sei35 said:


> I had been accused of being dishonest by someone I dared to be vulnerable with.
> I had been accused of being manipulative by someone I went out of my comfort zone to seek help from.


Well, I also think you are dishonest and manipulative (from what I learned about you through all these years). I also think, your true face is waaaaay worse than you show but it's just a hunch. Perhaps it's time for you to accept certain facts and stop believing you are x even though you are actually doing y and/or your reason of doing x is not sincere at all as you try to make yourself believe (you are faking it but don't want to realize you are faking it). Probably why you can't function is; you deny an obvious truth and it makes your brain counter-attack with the truth to make you bring back to reality (a reality you are running from) and this conflict causes you to can't function properly LOL because the brain's purpose is finding out the truth, not forcing yourself to believe in BS especially when brain rejecting the BS.


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## Fennel (Jan 11, 2017)

valosagutas said:


> Well, I also think you are dishonest and manipulative (from what I learned about you through all these years). I also think, your true face is waaaaay worse than you show but it's just a hunch. Perhaps it's time for you to accept certain facts and stop believing you are x even though you are actually doing y and/or your reason of doing x is not sincere at all as you try to make yourself believe (you are faking it but don't want to realize you are faking it). Probably why you can't function is; you deny an obvious truth and it makes your brain counter-attack with the truth to make you bring back to reality (a reality you are running from) and this conflict causes you to can't function properly LOL because the brain's purpose is finding out the truth, not forcing yourself to believe in BS especially when brain rejecting the BS.


Wanted to throw rocks at a drowning man?

Luckily I don't care about your opinion. You might think you know me, but you don't.


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## valosagutas (Nov 5, 2017)

Sei35 said:


> You might think you know me, but you don't.


I don't know you and don't want to LOL.

Give thanks to this message too LMAO.


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## Fennel (Jan 11, 2017)

valosagutas said:


> I don't know you and don't want to LOL.
> 
> Give thanks to this message too LMAO.


Nice try. Worth the thanks. Granted.


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## JayDubs (Sep 1, 2009)

valosagutas said:


> Well, I also think you are dishonest and manipulative (from what I learned about you through all these years). I also think, your true face is waaaaay worse than you show but it's just a hunch. Perhaps it's time for you to accept certain facts and stop believing you are x even though you are actually doing y and/or your reason of doing x is not sincere at all as you try to make yourself believe (you are faking it but don't want to realize you are faking it). Probably why you can't function is; you deny an obvious truth and it makes your brain counter-attack with the truth to make you bring back to reality (a reality you are running from) and this conflict causes you to can't function properly LOL because the brain's purpose is finding out the truth, not forcing yourself to believe in BS especially when brain rejecting the BS.


I don't really like the way he's saying it. But I think the point he's bringing up is that you might just be experiencing cognitive dissonance. 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_dissonance

Cognitive dissonance is that uncomfortable feeling we all get when we're confronted with an inconsistency in our own beliefs or behavior. It's not pleasant. And we all run into it. But it exists for a reason. 

When we experience cognitive dissonance, it means either our beliefs are wrong, or alternatively that we don't have a sufficient understanding of our own beliefs. But by confronting that inconsistency and working through it, we can gain a better understanding of the world and ourselves. 

I don't hold an identical set of beliefs today as I did 5 years ago. I had yet another slightly different set of beliefs 5 years before that. And another 5 years before that. 5 years from now, I'm sure some of my opinions will have changed. Because I'm right about some things, wrong about some things, and as an imperfect human being, that's what should be expected. 

Ultimately, I think the solution is to accept that uncertainty and embrace the process of learning throughout our lives. Your belief system is imperfect. My belief system is imperfect. But we can grow wiser as we grow older. And rather than think of people questioning our beliefs as attacks, consider that they are pushing us closer to the truth.


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## Fennel (Jan 11, 2017)

@JayDubs Thank you for putting it in a way I can understand, and hopefully learn from.
The people who told those hurtful things to me might have been looking out for me in a way, but they way they said it was very pointed and painful. In that moment, they were actual attacks. I have to be very careful not to make it a self-fulfilling prophecy.

And you're right. I'm currently in the process of refining my set of beliefs. I just don't appreciate other people trying to do it for me. Had the criticisms been leveled at me at a less vulnerable time, I would have taken them differently.

My body is reacting worse than my conscious mind. I wish it could accept that this is part of the process and not shut down on me.


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## Fennel (Jan 11, 2017)

I wasn't okay when the incident happened. I was still rebuilding my philosophy/theology to live up to. And to make sense of all the hurtful things that happened this year. I didn't choose to be stuck on the internet. I had a nervous breakdown in the office and now I don't know how to talk to people irl. If I were shy before, it's much worse now. 


It's not simply about love. It's about finding and strengthening connections. I was in a Discord server with very supportive people. Somebody said that connection is an illusion, even irl. I had nowhere else to go, so I went online to build those connections. I tried hard to express myself and made myself vulnerable. And then someone accuses me of being fake and avoiding hard topics. To top it off, another person accuses me of social manipulation. Those three people were all friends that I look up to. I know they said what they did because they cared. There was no reason for them to lie to me or personally attack me on a deep level. But their ideas completely destroyed me.


I have autism. I don't know how to deal with social interactions, and it is very difficult for me to lie. I'm not saying it is impossible for me to lie or be manipulative, but that would probably happen by accident and not with any hurtful intentions. I admit I did something wrong somewhere, I got angry and lashed out at them, saying they always pick topics that don't apply to me, and they never listen to me when I make a suggestion. The more I tried to connect with them and express my own opinions, the more I felt like an outsider.


They're probably right. I was not being real, and my love was a sham. To many people, if it's just over the internet, it's not a real friendship. But friendship and love have always been most important to me, especially online where there are less social rules and more options. They say that if you haven't met irl, you don't really know a person enough to love her. So I've been living a lie all long... That's why I'm giving up on making connections. I couldn't make it irl, and I couldn't make it online. And with my beliefs and sincerity being questioned, I have no leg to stand on. So I give up. Let them think what they think about me, but I won't try anymore to explain myself to them or be friends with them again.

It's like loving someone who doesn't believe in love. Just. Plain. Stupid.


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## Fennel (Jan 11, 2017)

*Help help help help help*

I feel utterly broken, invalidated, and abandoned.

Gawd I miss her so much... If only I could be there to show her ever day how much I love her...


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## Six (Oct 14, 2019)

Sei35 said:


> I don't know how to talk to people irl. If I were shy before, it's much worse now.
> 
> It's not simply about love. It's about finding and strengthening connections.
> 
> ...











_Don't give up on making connections - here, let's start in this thread - I'm going to ask you an interesting question, you're going to ask me an interesting question, and we're going to alternate that as long as you feel into it:_ 

What fictional character do you most relate to? x


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## Fennel (Jan 11, 2017)

Six said:


> _Don't give up on making connections - here, let's start in this thread - I'm going to ask you an interesting question, you're going to ask me an interesting question, and we're going to alternate that as long as you feel into it:_
> 
> What fictional character do you most relate to? x


Sun Wukong from Journey to the West/ Monkey King.


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## Six (Oct 14, 2019)

Sei35 said:


> Sun Wukong from Journey to the West/ Monkey King.


"In the novel, he is a monkey born from a stone who acquires supernatural powers through Taoist practices. Sun also knows the 72 Earthly transformations, which allow him to transform into various animals and objects."

And if you were going to ask me an interesting question, what would that be?


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## Fennel (Jan 11, 2017)

Six said:


> "In the novel, he is a monkey born from a stone who acquires supernatural powers through Taoist practices. Sun also knows the 72 Earthly transformations, which allow him to transform into various animals and objects."
> 
> And if you were going to ask me an interesting question, what would that be?


I can relate more to, "_you're not human, you're just a bad monkey_" from the origin story and his fights with the Tang Monk throughout the journey.





Do you like anime?


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## Six (Oct 14, 2019)

Sei35 said:


> I can relate more to, "_you're not human, you're just a bad monkey_" from the origin story and his fights with the Tang Monk throughout the journey.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


That's anima animus stuff right there - inner conflicts with spirit animals... how fascinating...

I don't know my cat's not fooled by cat toys or laser dots - I feel the same way about anime somehow, as if there's something it's trying to trick me with...






I have friends who are into that though and I am fascinated by why they like it, and I did love the Ghost In The Shell series and Attack on Titan, and I think the artwork in Studio Ghibli is beautiful.

If you had your own universe and you were god of it, what would you do with it?


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## Fennel (Jan 11, 2017)

Six said:


> I don't know my cat's not fooled by cat toys or laser dots - I feel the same way about anime somehow, as if there's something it's trying to trick me with...
> 
> I have friends who are into that though and I am fascinated by why they like it, and I did love the Ghost In The Shell series and Attack on Titan, and I think the artwork in Studio Ghibli is beautiful.
> 
> If you had your own universe and you were god of it, what would you do with it?


Not much we could talk about then.

Never occurred to me, and I'm not interested.


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## Six (Oct 14, 2019)

Sei35 said:


> Not much we could talk about then.
> 
> Never occurred to me, and I'm not interested.


Best of luck.


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## Fennel (Jan 11, 2017)

Six said:


> Best of luck.


Same to you.
What would you do if you owned a universe?


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## Shale (Jan 17, 2012)

What ever your issues are, the first question you need to ask yourself is "What can I do to achieve inner peace?" At the end of the day inner peace is what most of us desire, right? Often times, the first step toward to achieving it is forgiveness ... not of others, but of yourself. You can't allow others to manipulate your mental state, bc if you do you are allowing them to have dominion over you. Who owns you? You or them? If you believe in a higher power, give them permission to set you free.

You'll reach a point in your life where you will see there is purpose for each person set before you. If they abandon the friendship/relationship, they did you a favor. BE YOURSELF, it won't earn you a bunch of friends, but it will earn you the right ones. Friendships are FLUID, they come and go as you go through various stages in your life. Remember, the only expectations you can live up to are your own (same goes for everyone around you.)

Now get up and dust yourself off.


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