# Do ppl usually take constructive criticism as personal attacks?



## dark_angel (Oct 21, 2013)

I can't take any criticism unless it's done nicely. At work the other day, we were anticipating an inspection for next week. We also had to do everything by the book. I work in a restaurant and we no longer had a certain menu item. I was supposed to suggest certain other items whenever customers orders the item we no longer have. 

I didn't suggest anything. All I said is we no longer have these items. Then I got an order wrong bc of that and my supervisor had to refund her some money. My supervisor said I didn't follow rules. In fact, she heard me 3 times already my failure to follow rules. 

She said she only wants me to follow rules and that she isn't mad. She said to learn from my mistakes, that's all. I proceeded to beg her to be nice to me and cry about it. Even after I got off work, I accused her of not liking me. I texted her later that I'm a waste of space.

Does anyone else take cnstructive criticism as personal attacks?


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## Shiver (Nov 10, 2016)

I've got a hair trigger - if someone is going to offer critique, it had better be polite, and it had better hold up to my critique _of it_. Else I do not consider it "constructive".


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## Librarylady (Mar 11, 2017)

I don't take constructive criticism as an attack. Destructive criticism, sure, but most constructive criticism is to help another person. It's much nicer to be honest than to lie or mislead someone, even if it might hurt feelings as first.

I personally think this might be personality related.


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## dark_angel (Oct 21, 2013)

Well I just wish she was nicer about it. It's hard to follow all the rules when I have to pay attn to every little detail. Sometimes I do things right and sometimes I don't.


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## Librarylady (Mar 11, 2017)

I don't get where she was being mean? Maybe I don't know the whole story, but if she said she wasn't mad and explained herself...that sounds pretty tactful to me.


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## dark_angel (Oct 21, 2013)

But she also said she is tired of me not following rules. That part wasn't very nice. I guess I can only take constructive criticism if it's 100% nice.


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## Fumetsu (Oct 7, 2015)

dark_angel1720 said:


> I can't take any criticism unless it's done nicely. At work the other day, we were anticipating an inspection for next week. We also had to do everything by the book. I work in a restaurant and we no longer had a certain menu item. I was supposed to suggest certain other items whenever customers orders the item we no longer have.
> 
> I didn't suggest anything. All I said is we no longer have these items. Then I got an order wrong bc of that and my supervisor had to refund her some money. My supervisor said I didn't follow rules. In fact, she heard me 3 times already my failure to follow rules.
> 
> ...


What?... why on earth did you respond like that?


As for myself, no. Not if it is genuinly constructive but I find that it usually is not. People often make personal insults and adtwerwards claim that it was "Only constructive critiscism!" Rather than admit they were just being an assholes.


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## theflame (Apr 12, 2014)

Fumetsu said:


> What?... why on earth did you respond like that?
> 
> 
> As for myself, no. Not if it is genuinly constructive but I find that it usually is not. People often make personal insults and adtwerwards claim that it was "Only constructive critiscism!" Rather than admit they were just being an assholes.


That's 80% of the way people talk to me. And then they wonder why I don't take their "criticism" seriously. Very rarely can few people actually discuss and analyze without the hypocritical insults. Often times I have found the people who are insulting to me are actually self projecting their own situations onto me. Talking like a human being and being considerate how someone comes off without the snooty attitude takes a mature person to do that.


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## angelfish (Feb 17, 2011)

dark_angel1720 said:


> But she also said she is tired of me not following rules. That part wasn't very nice. I guess I can only take constructive criticism if it's 100% nice.


Coming from someone with mild disdain for rules in general... it's very literally your supervisor's job to make sure you follow the rules at work. She's not being not nice if she's telling you that you need to follow the rules. She's doing her job. If she's telling you she's tired of you not following the rules, consider yourself lucky she's saying that and not that you're fired...

Anyway... sometimes I take constructive criticism hard. I'm usually my own worst critic so it just feels like insult to injury. I just try to suck it up though and to do better the next time around.


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## Fumetsu (Oct 7, 2015)

theflame said:


> That's 80% of the way people talk to me. And then they wonder why I don't take their "criticism" seriously. Very rarely can few people actually discuss and analyze without the hypocritical insults. Often times I have found the people who are insulting to me are actually self projecting their own situations onto me. Talking like a human being and being considerate how someone comes off without the snooty attitude takes a mature person to do that.


I have no idea in what this is a response to. Who insulted you? Whom is being hypocritical? 

You didn't answer my question you just responded with this rant. There is nothing to discuss or analyze here.


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## Blue Ribbon (Sep 4, 2016)

I take criticism very well regardless of how it's presented. My attitude is, 'okay, so what have I done wrong? Okay so what should I do to fix it?' I don't value being nice. I do value fairness and I'm always fair in how I deal with people. Maybe that's the problem? You don't think the criticism is fair?


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## Tropes (Jul 7, 2016)

dark_angel1720 said:


> She said she only wants me to follow rules and that she isn't mad. She said to learn from my mistakes, that's all. I proceeded to beg her to be nice to me and cry about it. Even after I got off work, I accused her of not liking me. I texted her later that I'm a waste of space.
> 
> Does anyone else take cnstructive criticism as personal attacks?


You are actually in a really good position, because you know that there is something wrong with how you approached it. Many people describing the same situation as you did, would not have included the part about how their performance justified the criticism, so even while you took it within the moment as a personal attack, the fact is right now you are able to take a step back and see that she was trying to do her job as supervisor the best she can and that hurting you wasn't the intent. The last part in particular, that you texted her later that you are a waste of space, answers the question of why this is the case for you, you take it to mean something is wrong with you personally because on some level you think something is wrong with you.

The first important thing to keep in that the part of you that the you that other people can see, isn't "the inner you", or some deeper essence of who you are, it is what you express and do, and for the most part their main concern is how you affect them and their inner priorities. Even in the extreme, let's say someone calls you an asshole - which is far from constructive or polite - there's still a 99% chance it's about how they feel affected by choices and actions that you can control. So the way to approach it isn't "they are saying something is wrong with me", but rather, "what am I doing that is negatively impacting them"? In this case, it's a fairly easy answer, your supervisor wants to feel good about herself and her own job, and if her staff aren't following her instructions, she's going to be blamed for it and she's going to feel bad about herself, which she is trying to avoid.

It's not always easy to keep in mind in the spur of the moment. My suggestion would be to think of the state of hurt kind of like the state of drunkenness, much like you might say to yourself "right now I am not in a state to drive", you can say to yourself "right now I am not in a good enough emotional space to judge what this means", and then when you calm down, take a piece of paper and ask yourself these questions:

What is it that source of the criticism can actually see of you?
What is it that they value out of the situation in which it happened?
Using the previous 2 answers, what was their reason behind the criticism?


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## Aridela (Mar 14, 2015)

dark_angel1720 said:


> I can't take any criticism unless it's done nicely. At work the other day, we were anticipating an inspection for next week. We also had to do everything by the book. I work in a restaurant and we no longer had a certain menu item. I was supposed to suggest certain other items whenever customers orders the item we no longer have.
> 
> I didn't suggest anything. All I said is we no longer have these items. Then I got an order wrong bc of that and my supervisor had to refund her some money. My supervisor said I didn't follow rules. In fact, she heard me 3 times already my failure to follow rules.
> 
> ...


There's no such thing as constructive criticism. 

People only delude themselves if they think they're telling someone off because of 'pure motives'. 

You don't like someone's behaviour and you want it to stop -it's about you and it's selfish. 

Obviously you may well be right in wanting the other person to stop doing something you find insulting/hard to deal. But don't kid yourself, when you do, it's all about you.

That being said, although I'm rather bad at dealing with criticism in general, I don't see how what your supervisor said is that bad. It's best to just apologise for your mistake and try not to repeat it in the future. If you feel like there's too many rules to follow in this particular job, you could try working somewhere else. 

Also, once you've calmed down a bit it may be a good idea to have a talk with your supervisor and explain how her words hurt you and that although you realise you made a mistake you're very sensitive to criticism. Just own up to it. Unless she's a complete arse she'll try to be nicer next time. Good luck!


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## Hollow Man (Aug 12, 2011)

It's really difficult for me not to take it personally. Sometimes even people I kind of respect kind of deliver it in an ungraceful way imo. Well, I guess if there's a lack of dialogue, and more of a "well you should have" then it sucks.


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## Catwalk (Aug 12, 2015)

dark_angel1720 said:


> She said she only wants me to follow rules and that she isn't mad. She said to learn from my mistakes, that's all. I proceeded to beg her to be nice to me and cry about it. Even after I got off work, I accused her of not liking me. I texted her later that I'm a waste of space.
> 
> Does anyone else take cnstructive criticism as personal attacks?


While I would not have (personally) responded in such a manner - I can certainly see how (X)-specimen(s) "constructive" criticism was unhelpful - (&) thus, useless within this scenario - you taking offense to otherwise, "vague" constructive criticism hardly seem(s) egregious or _uncommon_ to take [constructive] criticism offensively, darling.

I also reckon most of this is high-functioning intuition as well (perceived body-languages / tones / intent / mannerism). Which matters when delivering constructive (criticism), indeed - as well as basic social-etiquette.


"_Learn from your mistakes,_" = isn't any form of advice, critique; nor useful/helpful means for improvement - (e.g,. reduction of repetitive error-making).










________


What (X)-supervisor did not do [as most bad teachers - or those with "higher" skill-set(s) than others]* ::*


(A) --> Failed to proper engagement / teach the student in a polite / respectful manner.


(B) --> Failed to offer constructive (e.g., demonstrations / training / reassurance) for errors / mistakes / how-to's.


(C) --> Failed to offer emotional guidance / support - through (X)-students mistakes / error-making. (resulting in inferiority).


(D) --> Failed to give coherent instruction / direction - in a precise/concise manner (with an alternative) in case such direction is difficult. (Resulting in vagueness of intent).


(E) --> Failed to induce (or) ask question(s) to reassure student / trainee' proper understood intent / instruction / direction - or method of problem-solving (or) mistake-corrections.

[HR][/HR]

What you can do next time [to reduce taking (X) 'non-constructive' criticism personally].

(A) --> Critique the supervisor (constructively). (e.g., Your instructions are always vague; perhaps clarify better).


(B) --> Recognizing your supervisors imperfections [error-making]; as a fellow flawed-humanoid - rather than viewing (X)-specimen in a superior / higher stance than one's self. 


(C) -->_*Ask questions*_ (to reduce vagueness on supervisor's abhorrent behalf).


(D) --> _Prepare _yourself beforehand (e.g., desensitizing before arrival / practicing at home (rehearsing rules / guidelines / expectations before arrival) - mini-checklists/reminders, if necessary.

________________________

Failure to train "trainee's" respectfully, properly et al (in my book) results in a critique by corporate.... Very common with most 'retail' supervisors. 


Failure to comply; terminate your job (&) find a better company with the employers / trainee's best interests in mind.

Com.


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## Mirkwood (Jul 16, 2014)

A thing I read, which i think is important to keep in mind.. is that anytime someone points out behaviour or is critical of behaviour, what we do as opposed to personal.. well.. then it can be okay.

Your supervisor point out things instead of just saying that "your stupid", "Your stupid and you wont learn", or something like that, which would had been personal, and not really make you any wiser.

However.. anyone can get tired of people always point to our behaviour.

EDIT: I can take things personal myself.. depends on mood maybe. But I think i have become less sensitive with age.


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## theflame (Apr 12, 2014)

Fumetsu said:


> I have no idea in what this is a response to. Who insulted you? Whom is being hypocritical?
> 
> You didn't answer my question you just responded with this rant. There is nothing to discuss or analyze here.


I would tell you the exact names, Lol, but hey I might get warned. Just watch some of the posters who post toward me. I find it laughable at best that these snooty posters think they can talk about bullying and "being fair" when they bully others. One of the snooty posters are even in this thread as I type, haha. I didn't ask you to discuss or analyze anything. I told you why most of the people are insulting and not "critical" and what is the difference and why they do it.


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## Librarylady (Mar 11, 2017)

Since this is in the advice forum, I'm going to be a bit straight-forward.

You're being a bit too sensitive. I can understand getting defensive if someone legitimately attacks you, but part of growing up is to take constructive criticism and proper advice. Now if the criticism is poor and coming from a place of ignorance, that's one thing. But It's another to ignore the actual rules of the job and then get upset if someone is tactfully trying to explain how it works.

It does not sound like she was trying to be mean or personally attack you. If anything, it could have been a lot more harsh than it actually was. While I do love following rules and understand not everyone is like me personally, It's still something we all need to do at work if we want to keep our job. It sounds more like she was just trying to explain and issue a warning- she was trying to be as nice as she possibly could while not being dishonest.

Throwing out emotional and passive-aggressive responses are not really the answer to this situation. Just learn from your mistake and try to work better next time.


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## Blue Ribbon (Sep 4, 2016)

theflame said:


> I would tell you the exact names, Lol, but hey I might get warned. Just watch some of the posters who post toward me. I find it laughable at best that these snooty posters think they can talk about bullying and "being fair" when they bully others. One of the snooty posters are even in this thread as I type, haha. I didn't ask you to discuss or analyze anything. I told you why most of the people are insulting and not "critical" and what is the difference and why they do it.


Way to be subtle. *applauds*


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## dark_angel (Oct 21, 2013)

Blue Ribbon said:


> I take criticism very well regardless of how it's presented. My attitude is, 'okay, so what have I done wrong? Okay so what should I do to fix it?' I don't value being nice. I do value fairness and I'm always fair in how I deal with people. Maybe that's the problem? You don't think the criticism is fair?


I think it's very fair. I'm just scared of anything negative and I'm sensitive as hell.


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