# Described as causing/spreading drama, being manipulative, digging for compliments



## chickydoda (Feb 12, 2010)

Someone I know has just said these things about me. I didn't know I was perceived this way. I suspect the group of people that see me this way is small, it's people that don't know me well or understand where I'm coming from.

I know I am manipulative. And persuasive. I try to keep it in check. If I'm upset and circumstances change to accommodate me, and it means other people are providing for me or I am inconveniencing them, I will reject their help, because I don't want them to feel like I am taking advantage of them or ripping them off. I wasn't aware that anyone outside my family noticed that quality about me or thought of me that way. I consider myself an honest person, and I strive for win/win situations, but I get upset a lot, and it does affect my family.

I was honest with someone, and she accused me of trying to stir up drama. I was just telling her what I have felt for years. I don't know if she likes me any more or if we will ever be friends. It makes me wonder if other people see me as a drama queen, an attention whore or trying to start fights between people for my entertainment or something. I can't stand people I perceive as stirring up drama, it always seems to be the people who ''hate'' drama as well, which is kind of ironic, because I'm like that, but I didn't think I was one of those trouble makers. If I am that way, I can promise it was unintentional. I have Aspergers, so I have no idea how my words/actions affect other people. I have very little self awareness and don't really understand others either. I think this drama thing might just be a label associated with me in one group, I don't think other people see me that way, but it's impossible to know.

I was told I was digging for compliments/affirmation, because I refused to put the other person down and kept painting myself as the bad guy, because I realised I hurt this person, and didn't want to make the situation any worse. I think I am partly to blame, but so are my medical conditions, and the fact that they didn't get discovered until I was 23. I have no idea what effect I have on others, so obviously I have done a lot of damage. It's 100% my fault, but at the same time, I don't understand why or how it happened. I don't know how to be a good friend or someone that people like/respect/trust.

I used to dig for compliments all the time on here, or ask for affirmation. I wanted to know what people think of me. I don't think I've done that for at least six months. People tell me stuff voluntarily when they feel like it, either complimenting me or tearing me down. Some stuff I see and agree with, some stuff I laugh at, because the person obviously misunderstood the intention behind one of my earlier posts, and I have no personal investment in that. I didn't think I did that anymore, and I don't think I was doing it with my friend.

Anyway, I want to turn over a new leaf. I'm in a new city and I barely know anyone. I don't want to say swear words, or say negative things about myself or others, have a victim mentality, etc. I also don't want to be seen as a drama spreading drama queen, being manipulative, or as a compliment digger. I want to be secure in who I am. I intend to show people a tightly filtered version of who I really am, in hopes that one day, I really will be that person.

Does anyone have any advice as to how NOT to be a drama queen? or at least, not be perceived that way? I don't mean/want to hurt people. Apparently honesty and openness are NOT the best policy, although I know some people really appreciate those qualities in me. I have some bad habits that I am ready to drop, I realise they have played a part in hurting my current/former friends. Bad things like, talking to friends on the phone about other friends when I was concerned about them, sharing personal information that wasn't mine to tell. I also have a tendency to crush on way too many guys. I've never had a boyfriend, and I have trouble telling if someone likes me or not, so I get really confused. One of my best friends is a gay guy, and I find him attractive, but he is such an amazing friend, and I think it's because I know there is no chance of anything ever happening between us. He's probably my only real guy friend, the others have been friends boyfriends or acquaintances.

I would like to keep people close enough that they like me and they feel like they know me at some level, that they are comfortable with me, but far enough away that they can't hurt me, and I can't hurt them. I have sky high expectations, and I think one of my goals needs to be to lower them drastically. I should have extremely low expectations for everything, then I will be pleased and over the moon when things do go well. I think I can be too hard on people because I want perfection, or the relationship that exists between other people.

Thanks everyone x


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## nakkinaama (Jun 20, 2012)

Thats ok in my book, u know alot of people forget what other people are like really quickly. Just be more careful with those people that you mentioned. Be humble and nice, and u have a way to go! Then you can go wherever you like and not have that burden.

I think you just sound very perfectionistic


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## Narrator (Oct 11, 2009)

Communication is very important in relationships, and I would say honesty and opennes with a little tact, when necessary, is a good mediation. However this is about your states, not the states of others. If you're about to disclose something about someone, ask yourself, would they mind me disclosing this to others? You could even ask friends, let them know it's been your instinct to share stuff, but only because you care alot about them, and thought you were doing the right thing. Nine times out of ten I think it's best for them to be the one in control of their information. You can't fix their life, and it's not your responsibility to do so. It's also unfair for you to take the choice away from them, and scary for them, to feel they can't trust you.

"I would like to keep people close enough that they like me and they feel like they know me at some level, that they are comfortable with me, but far enough away that they can't hurt me, and I can't hurt them"
This doesn't work, and is very unhealthy in my experience, as far as I understand what you're expressing. You want a relationship, but with many boundaries; you want a limited amount of engagement. There are many kinds of relationships, but I would urge you to be open and communicative with people, or not be friends at all. I think it's unfair on others to only go half way.
That said, it's clear you're in a vulnerable place, so some distance to begin with is very understandable. What I think would be a problem is if you made that limited engagement with people the foundation of any core relationship, or a long term pattern.

Believe that you can heal, and things can change, and don't let negative beliefs have sway over relationships, which are one of the things in life which bring us meaning and happiness. Positivity is the best foundation.


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## chickydoda (Feb 12, 2010)

Liminality said:


> "I would like to keep people close enough that they like me and they feel like they know me at some level, that they are comfortable with me, but far enough away that they can't hurt me, and I can't hurt them"
> This doesn't work, and is very unhealthy in my experience, as far as I understand what you're expressing. You want a relationship, but with many boundaries; you want a limited amount of engagement. There are many kinds of relationships, but I would urge you to be open and communicative with people, or not be friends at all. I think it's unfair on others to only go half way.
> That said, it's clear you're in a vulnerable place, so some distance to begin with is very understandable. What I think would be a problem is if you made that limited engagement with people the foundation of any core relationship, or a long term pattern.


People in my life know way too much. People on this website know too much, but I don't neccessarily know that stuff.

New people in my life do not need to know I have Aspergers, ADD or Bipolar. I'm just saying that I have a Chronic Illness, so I'm not allowed to work right now. I will tell them about some of my goals and projects.

Most people are fairly reserved, it's a trait that many introverts possess (and people much, much smarter than me).

People don't need to know that I cry myself to sleep most nights or that I curl up in my wardrobe because it's the only place I get any privacy. People don't need to know that my mother seems to hate me a lot of the time. That I have screaming matches with my family most weeks. That I have been bullied for most of my life. That most people that have met me so far either think I'm odd, or completely hate me.

They don't need to know that I went through a period where I thought I was a lesbian. They don't need to know that I constantly want to go into the kitchen, grab big knifes and stab myself through them. They don't need to know that I sometimes when I get upset, I want to cut myself. They don't need to know that I have disordered eating habits. They don't need to know that I hate my body.

They don't need to know who I think is ugly or stupid. They don't need to know all of my hopes, dreams and desires. They don't need to know that I've never been kissed, and might wait until my wedding day. 

People DON'T need to know any of this stuff. Having a close relationship is possible without the other person knowing everything. I could never be famous or really successful, because the paparazzi would have a fucking field day. Being vulnerable to everyone you know is bad. Having people know 100x more than you know about them is not a good thing. Trust me.

People can know some stuff. Safe information. I don't want people to see me as a liability, or a cry baby, or a chronic complainer, or a love struck person, or as someone that always has to have their own way. I am all of those things, but the future people in my life don't need to know that!

I will share some of my hopes and dreams. I will share my sense of humour. I will make home made presents. I will give compliments freely. I will share low risk embarrassing stories.

Being myself, and completely honest and open has backfired. It makes me look selfish and self absorbed. People don't want to spend time with me.

Can you see where I'm going with all of this? Who I am, truly, is not a likeable person. Small bits of me are nice, but if you put everything together, I am ugly on the inside and outside.




> Communication is very important in relationships, and I would say honesty and opennes with a little tact, when necessary, is a good mediation. However this is about your states, not the states of others. If you're about to disclose something about someone, ask yourself, would they mind me disclosing this to others? You could even ask friends, let them know it's been your instinct to share stuff, but only because you care alot about them, and thought you were doing the right thing. Nine times out of ten I think it's best for them to be the one in control of their information. You can't fix their life, and it's not your responsibility to do so. It's also unfair for you to take the choice away from them, and scary for them, to feel they can't trust you.


To be honest, I think its a learnt trait. My sister who is a bit older than me (six years), often shares personal information about people she knows to me, espesically if I'm struggling with something... she'll be like, oh yeah my friends a teacher, and he has Bipolar, and he had to quit his job, because he was really depressed and couldn't handle the work load", etc. She'll tell me stuff about other people to motivate me. So if I share stuff about someone, it's usually one on on. I haven't done it for a while to be honest, I realised it was a really stupid, selfish, idiotic thing to do... I didn't realise I was betraying people/mishandling information until recently. I think there was a similar thread on ENFP about it, apparently I'm not the only one with that habit. By the way, my sister isn't an ENFP, more like an ENTJ or something.... I don't know.

So if someone was upset and talking and were like ''I don't want to see a counsellor, everyone will think I'm a freak, blah blah blah'' I would be like ''don't worry, I've had the same problem, I've seen one in the past, and so has ...''. I guess some of the information, I wasn't sure whether it was ok to be shared, or if it was meant to be kept confidential. 

I hate admitting to this stuff, because it makes me sound like a really terrible person, but I guess it's the best way to get help? Man, no wonder some of my friends/former friends hate me. I deserve all the crap I get, but I am going to try and start new.



> Communication is very important in relationships, and I would say honesty and openness with a little tact, when necessary, is a good mediation.


I didn't think what I was saying was offensive or mean, the same information wouldn't have upset me, and I get upset VERY easily. People feel the need to be BLUNT with me, and often say things that aren't necessarily true, because they are pissed off with me. Sometimes they do make valid points though.

I talk to people in a similar way here, and they seem ok with it. Maybe she was already in a low mood or something? If I have offended people here, they haven't really told me.

Anyway, I'm not going to say anything else about the conversation here, because it was private, and it was more about my problem then what I was talking to her about.


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## nakkinaama (Jun 20, 2012)

I dont think anyone thinks that they are so perfect that they would be a model celebrity. Being a celebrity would drive me fucking crazy.


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## chickydoda (Feb 12, 2010)

Vulgar mutt said:


> I dont think anyone thinks that they are so perfect that they would be a model celebrity. Being a celebrity would drive me fucking crazy.


I don't want to be a ''celebrity'' as such. I want to start a social networking company- which may mean being extremely wealthy and well known. It's not exactly famous, but having a lot of people know who you are.


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## nakkinaama (Jun 20, 2012)

chickydoda said:


> I don't want to be a ''celebrity'' as such. I want to start a social networking company- which may mean being extremely wealthy and well known. It's not exactly famous, but having a lot of people know who you are.


Oh, yea i was just wondering about it since i watched a cheezy doc about anna nicole smith. Thats a sad story right there. 

Anyways i wish you good luck, i heard its tough out there. What do i know xD


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## chickydoda (Feb 12, 2010)

Anyone else?


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## Razare (Apr 21, 2009)

Risen from Ashes said:


> I should have extremely low expectations for everything, then I will be pleased and over the moon when things do go well.


That's a pessimist mentality, it tends to make a person depressed.

I recommend no expectations. Placing expectations on things is something our mind engages in, either when interacting with others or while we think and evaluate our relationships. I think it's more productive to just let things be, and what happens, happens. Acceptance as opposed to expectations one way or another... as an expectation is just an illusion that we somehow have control, when we really don't.



> I have no idea what effect I have on others, so obviously I have done a lot of damage. It's 100% my fault, but at the same time, I don't understand why or how it happened. I don't know how to be a good friend or someone that people like/respect/trust.


When you fully have accepted this, you have to let it go. If you hold onto this, it will drag you down and prevent you from being a better person. Acknowledge, accept, and then move forward.

You do this by living in the present, not the past nor possible futures... right here right now is who you are and what defines you. What you believe and feel at this moment in time. Don't be constrained or limited by your past, as the moment you decide to be a better person, you ARE that better person. It's not something that must be toiled and recognized by others in order achieve... it's within your grasp as soon as you realize it in yourself.

Then the next step is to hold onto that, and don't allow your past habits and prior behaviors resurface... latch onto the new you with all that you have, and believe 100% that it is who you are... even if it isn't true, believe that it is because that's the only way to make it become a reality.

People can change, deciding that we want to, and then committing ourselves do it completely is why most people don't... yet always keep in mind that change for the better is realizing your better self, and then accepting that it is who you are in the present... this implies self-acceptance.


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## Razare (Apr 21, 2009)

Risen from Ashes said:


> Being myself, and completely honest and open has backfired. It makes me look selfish and self absorbed. People don't want to spend time with me.
> 
> Can you see where I'm going with all of this? Who I am, truly, is not a likeable person. Small bits of me are nice, but if you put everything together, I am ugly on the inside and outside.


It doesn't matter what other people think, what is important is what you think of yourself... this may sound narcissistic, but I don't believe it is.

You have to possess love and contentment from within, if you're to ever share that with another. If anyone is to really like you at all, you have to like yourself.

Attacking yourself isn't productive, whether it's wanting to physically harm yourself or if it's verbally berating yourself. I loved to attack myself (and I still do on occasion)... tearing apart myself from the inside... yet the moment you decide you no longer want to feel that way, and drop it in your mind... turn off that negative voice, is the moment it stops.

We give that voice existence, but it's only a reflection in our mind... a shadow of our true selves which is distorted and attacks the ego... yet our ego is what gives it substance. We have the power to unmake it, and discover our real selves... the you that just is, when your mind is quiet and you simply are being. Being without turmoil.

The negative reflection is addictive... we're used to it always there attacking us. It's not that we enjoy this, just we're so far removed from joy, it's sort of like losing yourself in the pit of misery... you're so far down, might as well hit the bottom. (Which may contribute to bipolar tendencies, as once you've hit bottom, it's only up from there and the cycle continues. Though, whether we're bipolar or not, that cycle exists for those who behave this way.)

Looking back, I don't know why I would do it to myself, but there's something alluring about it... almost as we feel we must do it to ourselves. That's what must be stopped, if we're to improve. At the onset of that negative mood, you have to let it go... forget it and utterly ignore it. That voice isn't real, nor is it who we are.

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When you do discover yourself, you may find yourself more likeable to others... or not... but if it's the later, at least you'll be healthier on the inside and more content with yourself and life.

At the very least, you'll be somewhere near the person you want to be, and wouldn't trade that way of being for anything.


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## Kelsay (Mar 4, 2012)

Just because someone says something about you, it doesn't mean it's true. Think about it objectively, try to take your feelings out of it. Are you bored and trying to stir shit for entertainment? Are you being manipulative? Seeking approval from others? If you're not, and are just being perceived that way by someone who was clearly on the defense, then don't worry about it. If there's some truth to it, then accept it. You can't change anything if you don't first accept it. I had a close friend once tell me "you act different around different people". So, to me, this was interpreted as, "You're fake." At first, that really hurt my feelings. Then I thought about it, and realized, "Ok, I am kind of fake. However, I also don't give a fuck." So, since then, it's been something I accepted about myself and don't care to change. For instance, if you don't wish to stir the pot, acknowledge that you may have a tendency to stir the pot. And when you do it, catch yourself, or apologize for doing so, explain yourself, and that's the best you can do.


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## SharkT00th (Sep 5, 2012)

No one can hurt your feelings without your consent so dont give it to them. Remember not to take anything personal either because everyone is criticizing their mental model that they view of you, not the real you most of the time unless they really get to know you. 

People don't need to know everything about you, but if you want to connect with them you will have to share something. From reading your posts I can't help but think that you have emotional baggage which you really do need to work through and find a way to let it stop being such a big part of you.


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