# NTs and ufamiliar social situations



## LeelooDallas (Sep 15, 2009)

So I was wondering how other people dealt with being in unfamiliar social situations and get togethers where you don't know the majority of people in the room.

I recently went to a get together at a friend's house that was borderline uncomfortable at first but mad fun at the end.

Do you like to first get a lay of the land before diving in? What type of stuff do you take in?
Do you introduce yourself?
Small talk :blushed: 
How long do you stay?


I ask because I recently went to a get-together at a friend's house. The only person I knew was my boyfriend, another friend of the hostess,and the hostess . Afterwards my boyfriend said that I seemed nervous and unsure of myself at the beginning but more myself by the end.I found that interesting because I did find myself making stupid mistakes at first like spilling my drinks or dropping my plate but i thought that was because people were waiting until i stuck cheese and crackers in my mouth to come over and say hi . I can't hold a drink/plate, eat AND shake hands at the same time. My boyfriend is an introvert. Through some secret hand shake he found another introverted guy and the 2 of them bromanced and hovered by the food and wine for the most part..

Small talk was hard. How far do you take it ? When people talk about the weather there's a part of me that wants to start talking about weather trends but my party spidey sense tells me that's a no no.


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## Singularity (Sep 22, 2009)

Typically I refuse to go. In fact I typically do not participate in any group activities even when it is with people I know. It's way too much to think about with so many people talking about different subjects and having to anticipate what to say and when. For instance, we have birthday parties at work for everyone and I've been there 2 yrs, I think, and I have never spoken at any of them - unless forced to. Even when the party is for me. I just sit there in silence hoping it ends soon. 

At a going away party I was asked directly what t-shirt I would want if I could create one and I said, "I want one of a blindfolded squirrel playing hopscotch." I just said it very seriously, but everyone started laughing and I suddenly had all this attention directed at me. It was awful. And that's the thing, I just get the idea that I should probably keep my mouth shut because what comes out is generally not really in line with what everyone else is thinking and it just further separates me.


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## Harley (Jul 5, 2009)

I just say fuck it and go all in.
I don't become some extraverted party monster though, I just go up to people and start talking.
It's really just the anticipation and the build-up that makes socializing seem painful, but once you actually get the ball rolling, and keep on talking then it's all good.
Unless they're feeling pissy (and in that case they should just leave) most people aren't going to reject a stranger talking to them, if the circumstances won't make it seem bizzare. 
Certain people appeal to me though, I won't just go on talking to anybody, if you look interesting to me I will make that extra effort to get to know you.


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## Deagalman (Jul 3, 2009)

lol bromanced.


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## Verdant Hollow (Aug 25, 2009)

Not just do I enjoy talking to new and different people, I have a lot of experience at it, too. Lots of handshaking, chitchat, head nodding, etc.

Maybe it's an ENT thing...


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## Deagalman (Jul 3, 2009)

I strategize. I quit smoking but I will still go outside and talk to the random people outside or strategically position at a couch or something. But I haven't been to a party in years.


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## entperson (Sep 14, 2009)

I like to "get a lay of the land" as you said. I find myself eavesdropping on a few different conversations and trying to get a feel for the people I think I would get along with most. If I happen to hear someone say something that is of particular interest to me, I'll jump right in. But small talk is definitely not my think, I can't stand it.


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## PersonaNonGrata (Sep 13, 2009)

mhhhh......i usually stick with a person i know, hit some group he knows and say hello, but normally i'm a one on one person who prefers to get to know persons fast and intensive( in eneagramm this would be a type 7 sx i guess), so at a party most people i know i know really well or not at all.....


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## LeelooDallas (Sep 15, 2009)

> Not just do I enjoy talking to new and different people, I have a lot of experience at it, too. Lots of handshaking, chitchat, head nodding, etc.


i tend to be the same way, but i really hate it when the other person doesn't play along by doing stuff like answering an open ended question with just a yes or no. 



Deagalman said:


> lol bromanced.


 it's true.. they exchanged numbers and everything.


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## Deagalman (Jul 3, 2009)

LeelooDallas said:


> i tend to be the same way, but i really hate it when the other person doesn't play along by doing stuff like answering an open ended question with just a yes or no.
> 
> it's true.. they exchanged numbers and everything.


Nice. I want to see that movie about the guy who has to find his Best Man. I think it's called Best Man. It looks hilarious. You made me think of it again.


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## entperson (Sep 14, 2009)

Deagalman said:


> Nice. I want to see that movie about the guy who has to find his Best Man. I think it's called Best Man. It looks hilarious. You made me think of it again.


I think you might mean I Love You, Man?


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## Raynekatt (May 14, 2009)

Usually I take another person with me, like my introverted husband, and make a tour of the party at a moderately fast pace. This is to give me an idea where everything is (food, drink, bathroom, nearest exit...). Then I grab a drink and wander around chatting.

Now I say chatting, what I mean is I either:
1) Walk into an on going conversation and nod along, interjecting comments if I feel I want to join in before moving on to the next one.
2) Start one up with someone I wish to actually speak to using a compliment of the person or party followed by an open ended question. Should that fail to start a conversation, I move on.

After awhile I usually find myself being called over to meet someone or be added to a conversation. This ususally ends up too much socialising and I manage to chill at the sidelines and just watch.


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## Mikbert (Jul 19, 2009)

People always tell me



"You don't talk much, do you?"



You know what I say?



Absolutely nothing.


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## Angrykeg (Sep 29, 2009)

I hate being alone at happenings. Just the thought of a big crowd scares the hell out of me, but if a have a friend, let's say at a party, then I'll do fine talking to him all the time. I don't tend to talk to strangers or new people. I'm quite limited with social stuff. The only exception is when someone asks me about something I like, for example musical tastes is a subject I'll talk about for 2 hours =)


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## Naydra (Apr 4, 2009)

For me, if it's a large event than I will perhaps most certainly be/stand/sit by myself and will not try to talk to anyone. In the rare occasion that someone approaches me I just try my best at small talk and will simply smile and be (extremely) polite.

However! I recently attended a volunteer event where I did not know anyone at all (it was a small group) and the option of standing at the sidelines was simply not possible (it would've been weird... and besides, I'm supposed to be a cheery, eager volunteer [in this context], not a self-involved loner). So I found myself forced to interact with people, and actually _initiate_ the interaction (which I'm not used to); in most situations I can usually do a decent job with small talk, but on this day it was excruciating -- I'm guessing because I was putting too much effort/energy into it, so it all felt very, very forced... anyway, as tiresome as that was, I don't think it was _that_ bad, I was actually way more talkative and engaging than I ever am, and the people were nice too. I don't think I could be "talkative and engaging" _all_ the time though, heh..

But that was just a special occasion, I suppose if needed I can get into "extrovert mode", but for the most part social situations (either big or small) means that I'm quiet, by myself, and just observing the people and my surroundings. I'm very much used to it and doesn't bother me at all.


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## Mutatio NOmenis (Jun 22, 2009)

I go for the information I can extract about people. I go to the school homecomming dance, because that's the ony time I can hold a girl of my own age. _I go to social gatherings only to be with people I know._


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## CarolinaDC (Sep 19, 2009)

Singularity said:


> Typically I refuse to go. In fact I typically do not participate in any group activities even when it is with people I know. It's way too much to think about with so many people talking about different subjects and having to anticipate what to say and when. For instance, we have birthday parties at work for everyone and I've been there 2 yrs, I think, and I have never spoken at any of them - unless forced to. Even when the party is for me. I just sit there in silence hoping it ends soon.
> 
> At a going away party I was asked directly what t-shirt I would want if I could create one and I said, "I want one of a blindfolded squirrel playing hopscotch." I just said it very seriously, but everyone started laughing and I suddenly had all this attention directed at me. It was awful. And that's the thing, I just get the idea that I should probably keep my mouth shut because what comes out is generally not really in line with what everyone else is thinking and it just further separates me.


you just described the way I am at work; which by the way is extremelly social and I feel like so out of place ALL the time LOL :laughing: I am sure they think I am autistic or something cause I dont drink or go to happy hour like 5 times a week (they all do it, it is so unprofessional LOL) :tongue:
I just dont enjoy it, I would rather stay home with Maya my cat (I suspect she is an INTJ too)


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## LeelooDallas (Sep 15, 2009)

CarolinaDC said:


> (they all do it, it is so unprofessional LOL) :tongue:


you're right.. it is unprofessional since anything that happens during non work hours is by definition not professional :crazy:


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## Heather (Sep 22, 2009)

I like some parties. Whether or not I like them depends on the people there. If there's at least a couple of people I can get along with I'm usually okay. Small talk is boring, but sometimes that's the only talk a person wants to have with you. I generally only say something when it has merit, so when I randomly blurt out a statement with confidence after being quiet for a while I think it surprises people. Just because I'm not saying anything doesn't mean I'm not paying attention or shy. Of course, I tend to get nervous before getting to the party if I know I don't know many/any of the people there, but once I'm in the crowd talking with people I forget I was ever nervous.


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## Chilln (Aug 19, 2009)

This past year seems to have made every single social situation no matter how simple in nature, completely and unavoidably uncomfortable at a certain point if there are more then 3 people involved. Although the potential for complete social meltdown is always present, if I go in with a positive attitude and forget past social mishaps then I usually do great. If I don't feel like talking I won't. Most people don't mind but if someone does remark "well you are quiet aren't you" I'll just ignore them for the rest of the evening to confuse the hell out of them hahaha.....Unless of course they are an interesting person and we have been talking for hours. 

My social technique is quite bizarre and makes absolutely no sense to anybody much less myself. To make it more interesting I use a different approach method with a new person every time. There is absolutely no consistency. It will go from unbelievable success to abject failure and everywhere in between. The fact that I don't know what to expect is usually what prevents me from hanging out with people in general. Although if I haven't seen anyone in a while I will feel the urge to chill with a friend. If it is a one on one conversation with nobody else involved I will have a much better time.

Sometimes I'll meet a true friend (this is rare. People always expect me to make the first move even if both of us have each other's contact info, its as if they know I won't call first so they are just rubbing it in. So that lack of response on either side kills most potential relationships for me outright, even if I click well with the person.) Sometimes they will be a friendly acquaintance that I will see at the same parties through mutual friends (this is the case 50 percent of the time), and the rest of the time which is like 49.999 percent, people wrongfully assume that I'm some sort of arrogant bastard. Just because I wasn't talking to them or didn't show my enthusiasm.

About 25 percent will attempt to insult me or something at which point depending on my mood I will either 
A. Ignore them, pity their stupidity, and leave
B. If it is one person I will crush them verbally if I am in the mood to actually care about anything.
C. If I'm drunk anything is possible (this is the most exciting option, I find that alcohol solves all my problems in terms of socializing especially wine and vodka). It rarely happens because I don't drink that much these days but it always provides hours of entertainment.
D. If I am high at or before the party or especially smoked up in the company of others then I will become completely detached from everything around me and not acknowledge a single person. Blazing is an activity I prefer to do alone most of the time or with 1 or 2 close friends. Too many people will just make me paranoid in this state if I get too caught up in certain thought processes, since I am usually detached anyway even when sober. 

This proved to be a disaster at a recent party this summer, I didn't know anybody well except for my one close friend. I showed up very late. I remember before opening the door to the apartment I got extremely nervous for some reason and I couldn't stop my brain from concocting disastrous ways that it could go wrong in that millisecond before my hand hovered above the doorknob. I brushed this feeling off yet was disturbed by this apparent premonition of sorts. I go inside and find my friend who had just returned from his school in Madrid and I hadn't seen in ages. So it went well at first I was just talking to him and the host in one corner having a good time. I had a few beers and a few shots. My close friend at this point had gone to the roof with some other people so I started talking to this Jamaican dude who was holding the hookah on the balcony. Other people were around us talking or just enjoying the night air. I had already been drinking but my mood was relaxed and cheerful yet somewhat apprehensive as if I knew something would go wrong. Since my confidence was not at its best I avoided talking to any women at length since I didn't find any to be particularly interested plus it would make the night much simpler and I did have a girl in my life who I had just met, but of course she was not anywhere near that party. 
Then this dude who lives there offers me a hit off his pipe. :shocked:
That of course is sweet music to my brain, so even if I know I shouldn't toke because of the social complications I would inevitably experience afterwards, I somehow convinced myself that I wanted to have a good time and nothing was going to happen anyway. After I smoked I felt this sudden euphoria and everyone around me suddenly disappeared. I was alone on the balcony bathing in the moonlight and their voices seemed to be so quiet as if they were leaking out of another dimension. I was glad to be alive. I opened my mouth and stared at the heavens tracing the patterns of the dark clouds in the sky. I don't know how long I stood there I eventually went to the roof and found a part of it that was unoccupied just to be by myself to enjoy the night air and be in my own safe bubble.
After some time ( it could have been an hour) I suddenly became aware that a group of 5 people nearby were talking about me. "What the hell is he doing, that kid never talks to anyone, he must be buttbuddies with that other dude who was here" etc laughter followed and I made eye contact with the douchebag who said this and looked away after giving him a mocking smile in apparent disinterest but then sudden revulsion.
Suddenly I wanted to get the fuck out of there and I was also tempted with the urge to throw him off the roof. I decided it would be best to compose myself and leave. I told my friend I was leaving and then called up another friend of ours as I was walking out the door to ask him why he didn't show up like he said he would. If I am in a group of 2-5 close friends at a party I usually feel more relaxed and willing to socialize. Now this party scenario never happened to me before this August but it felt like something out of a goddamn teen movie. 
Most people tell me that I am a very friendly, funny, somewhat modest person however so I don't understand why some people think that I project arrogance sometimes. I sort of typed this in a hurry :tongue:


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## Promethea (Aug 24, 2009)

There is a lot of bs to try to cut through when dealing with most people IRL. They are focused on how they appear more than the integrity of what is being said. Putting a lot of people into a situation, you really see their insecurities manifest in annoying ways. There's the attention whor*s, the busy bodies, the know-it-alls.. Really it turns into a draining clusterf*ck of people competing for attention. Blah blah blah. Nothing interesting gets said because it's really just a huge LOOKIT MEEE show. I just get bored quick because I realize that there is nothing for me there. The times I used to go to bars and parties with my SP friends, I would end up playing games on my cell phone, or using what I know of personality theory to make some poor unsuspecting stranger think I'm psychic. There were so many times I wanted to talk about something particular with whatever social group, only to be interrupted by someone babbling about inane shi*. :bored:


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## roxtehproxy (Sep 9, 2009)

Chilln said:


> This past year seems to have made every single social situation no matter how simple in nature, completely and unavoidably uncomfortable at a certain point if there are more then 3 people involved. Although the potential for complete social meltdown is always present, if I go in with a positive attitude and forget past social mishaps then I usually do great. If I don't feel like talking I won't. Most people don't mind but if someone does remark "well you are quiet aren't you" I'll just ignore them for the rest of the evening to confuse the hell out of them hahaha.....Unless of course they are an interesting person and we have been talking for hours.
> 
> My social technique is quite bizarre and makes absolutely no sense to anybody much less myself. To make it more interesting I use a different approach method with a new person every time. There is absolutely no consistency. It will go from unbelievable success to abject failure and everywhere in between. The fact that I don't know what to expect is usually what prevents me from hanging out with people in general. Although if I haven't seen anyone in a while I will feel the urge to chill with a friend. If it is a one on one conversation with nobody else involved I will have a much better time.
> 
> ...


I relate a lot with your complications since I am undoubtedly socially flawed. Jumping into the social rhythm spontaneously is not only intimidating, but feels as if the effort in conversing is not exactly worth the awkward tension and can give you an easy way out. On the way to parties I have to occupy my thoughts since I'm of an over-analytical nature, so relief can be gained if I detach my mind.

Forget smoking though, that only worsens the wrong mindset which is ingrained in ourselves. My brain plasticity is greatly altered as well, which is partially responsible for my detached nature.


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## idiocyncratic (Nov 24, 2009)

Unfamiliar social situations do not really feel uncomfortable for me. I am different at every party. Usually i will go to a party only when i can get something out of it. For example the last party i attended, i was pretty social and introduced myself to almost everyone. Motive: i was job hunting and i needed connections - badly.

Otherwise for more casual parties (usually will attend just to follow a friend along or birthday or just to act polite to the host who invited me) i will usually scan the area first before diving in, get the feel of the kind of people there. 

So say a party where i know at most only one friend, I will move around listening to group conversations and slotting myself in when i hear something interesting (or stupid) to give my input then move away to another group once the current group starts pondering on my words  i will do this for the whole night and end it by chilling near the food area and watch people, just to observe and analyse them. Most of the time the party will end with no one knowing my name and getting a call from my friend the next day regarding people asking who that person? (oh btw i hate "hi"s and "bye"s) On rare occasions, i will actually click with someone, spend the whole night talking to him/her and becoming friends.

Otherwise, on days that i do not feel like talking, i will join in any activities going on in there. (eg: play cards if they are playing cards, dance if theres a dance floor or sing if there is karaoke)

I think there is no need to feel awkward in unfamiliar social situations. If u really had to go but don't feel like socializing, take it as a chance to people watch. Attempting to make small talks will only makes things more awkward and you have to remember that there is really no need to make any impressions for the party people since those sociables there are already so full of themselves.


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## ChaosRegins (Apr 11, 2009)

*In unfamiliar social situations, I seem to become adaptable. Not really make a lasting impression but not sitting back either. I interact with my environment to understand it better. I try to approach it with a curiousity then I go from there. *


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