# Have you ever cheated on anyone?



## LinaLove (Jul 19, 2011)

Just out of curiosity, have any one of you ever cheated on anyone?
What are your opinions on it?

Personally I think it's wrong, I firmly believe in being loyal to your partner. Even if you start liking someone else, I think that you should resist the urge to do so, because cheating only results in hurting both yourself and all the people that are involved.


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## Yardiff Bey (Jun 5, 2011)

Have never, will never. If you have my love you have my uncheating loyalty.

Have been cheated on and have been an unwitting partner to cheating - though those are different polls.


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## PistolShrimp (Mar 19, 2011)

Nope, and I doubt I will. My current relationship is kind of open regarding random hookups, though.


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## alphacat (Mar 17, 2011)

To me, cheating either emotionally or physically is completely pointless. If you're at the point in your relationship where you are craving for an emotional connection or physically gratification with someone other than your partner, isn't it time for you to break it off? I honestly feel that rather than cheat, people should just realize that their current relationship isn't satisfactory anymore, and move on.


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## Eerie (Feb 9, 2011)

*Just out of curiosity, have any one of you ever cheated on anyone?*
Nope.

*What are your opinions on it?*
I think it's incredibly weak to cheat instead of just being honest and breaking it off with the person you're in a relationship with.


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## heartturnedtoporcelain (Apr 9, 2010)

Not cool - at all. It makes me feel sick, tbh. Lying and sneaking around and abusing the trust/faith/love your partner holds for you. Just no.

Stay faithful or break up.

*not that I think that I will ever be in a relationship but, yeah, point stands


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## LinaLove (Jul 19, 2011)

alphacat said:


> To me, cheating either emotionally or physically is completely pointless. If you're at the point in your relationship where you are craving for an emotional connection or physically gratification with someone other than your partner, isn't it time for you to break it off? I honestly feel that rather than cheat, people should just realize that their current relationship isn't satisfactory anymore, and move on.


Yeah I agree 150%, also I think it is really selfish for a person to cheat. If you have the urge to cheat on someone, I doubt that you truly like/love that person anymore, so I think it's better if you just leave them at that point. What is the point of staying in a relationship when you don't cherish the other person, isn't that the point of a relationship anyways? To be with someone who makes you happy and fulfills you when you can't? If they're not important enough to remain faithful and trustful towards them, there's no point in making them your significant other imo.


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## wisdom (Dec 31, 2008)

This needs a complex poll that includes personality types.

And, no, I haven't done it and think it is awful.


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## freyaliesel (Mar 3, 2011)

I cheated once, about 5 years ago, and it still, to this day, makes me sick to my stomach that I did it.

I was really young, and the feelings I had for my boyfriend at the time were so intense that they scared the crap out of me, because I'd never felt anything like that before, and it was confusing and scary and I didn't know what to do with them. On top of that, my boyfriend at the time was very, very christian (I'm an atheist) and very very into being chaste and pure and waiting until marriage. I was hanging out with a different friend of mine and it was 3 in the morning (the witching hour) and things got out of hand, and I ended up cheating.

I'm not proud, and it wasn't intentional, but that doesn't excuse it.
I've never cheated again, and I never will, because what I did was despicable, and I've never forgiven myself for it.

I broke up with my boyfriend because I was so ashamed of what I had done, and he was furious with me for a while (and rightly so) but we're still friends now, though I've still got feelings for him, but it will never happen again because I fucked up so terribly. It really only serves me right.


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## etherealuntouaswithin (Dec 7, 2010)

Yea i did..a few times..and have been cheated on,its a vicious cycle.

I dont really have an opinion on it.Im certainly not going to fuck someone in the head for doing it...im all too aware of my own nature for something like that. 

Sometimes,it does keep things interesting.Other times, the moment just can't be denied.Im not really secure in commitments of any kind.I do or say one thing now,and do/say something else in the next moment-which may or may not contradict what i've agreed to.

I can be a selfish,indifferent bastard.But id rather be selfish than bored,or in self denial.


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## Arclight (Feb 10, 2010)

Yes I have.. I was married.. So the "break up before you cheat" thingy doesn't apply. You can't just walk away from a marriage, the complications are much deeper than "breaking up" 

And the damage it caused to me and others was worth it.. Why??.. because I am certain we have all grown from it. 
So although I feel regret, sorrow and remorse, I wouldn't change it if I could.

I have learned. If presented with a similar situation in the future,I would do things differently.
Hopefully so will they.


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## Fizz (Nov 13, 2010)

I think it's great that there are people willing to share their cheating stories because I know they have already received flack IRL (if caught or told). I know there are many people who have voted in the poll and even commented in this thread claiming that they've never cheated and never will. That's excellent and all, but I wonder how many people are lying in the poll and to themselves. I'm not pointing fingers as I do not know any of you that well.

It's interesting that cheating is so shameful but people are still willing to do it. If you won't talk about it in secrecy on the internet, then why would you want to risk your romantic relationship and your relationships with friends and family over it?


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## BlueCherokee (Jul 12, 2011)

> To me, cheating either emotionally or physically is completely pointless. If you're at the point in your relationship where you are craving for an emotional connection or physically gratification with someone other than your partner, isn't it time for you to break it off? I honestly feel that rather than cheat, people should just realize that their current relationship isn't satisfactory anymore, and move on.


Right on target


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## bigtex1989 (Feb 7, 2011)

I cheated on 2 significant others. 

The first, I felt absolutely no remorse, no guilt, nothing. I actually felt better cheating on her. At that point, I was very conflicted. I had liked this girl for 5 years before I got the nerve to ask her out, and I had this grand picture of her that she couldn't possibly fill. Not to mention this was my first real relationship, I didn't really know what to do. I'd never really been exposed to a healthy male/female relationship. She was very emotionally abusive, but because I thought I loved her, I took it. I then cheated on her for a long time as a way to "get back at her". Not a healthy or the most constructive way to handle it, but I was young, stupid, and inexperienced. I'd like to think I learned my lesson from this. I didn't.

So the second one I cheated on, it was once. She was also slightly emotionally abusive, but not nearly as much as the first. I started harmlessly flirting with an attractive and nice girl (who knew I was in a relationship) because I'm a huge flirt and love to do it. She flirted back. She was also in a relationship so I really didn't think much of it. One night, she unexpectedly accepted a joking invitation back to my room, and the rest is history. Afterwards, I felt so wrong and dirty, I don't think I could bring myself to do it again. Even during it felt bad. I couldn't perform to my own standards, which added to the embarrassment, and overall it was a really bad experience. That feeling has stuck with me, and I don't know if I'll ever shake it off. Maturity has a lot to do with it I think.

@Fizz, people's judgement (even from people you don't even know) is a terrible thing. Some people can take it, others can't. It's like the phrase "out of sight, out of mind." If no one finds out, then you don't get judged. Right before and during, you usually aren't thinking, "what if he/she finds out??" That's usually an after thing. Some people do it for the thrill of getting caught, the adrenaline rush. People usually don't cheat to risk relationships XD


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## Drewbie (Apr 28, 2010)

I have not and I don't plan to. It's entirely possible that I will, though. I can't see the future, I don't know what my future relationships will be like, and while I'd _prefer_ to break up rather than cheat on someone I can't say for sure that circumstances in the future will be to my preference. There are definitely circumstances that, if I found myself in, would lead me to cheat.


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## viva (Aug 13, 2010)

The thought of cheating disgusts me, and I would never do it.


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## AussieChick (Dec 27, 2010)

I cheated on my husband last year,and I'm still cheating on him to this day I guess with my new partner.My husband and I have been separated for 10 years,but are not divorced.I'm planning to do it soon,as I don't think that it's fair on my new man to still be attatched to someone else when I'm with him.I felt so guilty and had to confess to my husband and I ended up sleeping with him again as a result of my infidelity.The person I cheated with was also cheating on me (he told me that he had split with his fiancee to be with me).We had known each other for many years and he told me that he loved me,and I stupidly believed him.I have been with married men three times unwittingly in the past year (they all told me that they were single)

I would never cheat on my current partner,not with a man anyway.He knows that I am bisexual, and has given me his blessing to be with a woman (so I guess that isn't considered cheating as per se).As for cheating on my husband I am not sure if that was really cheating either.We had been living apart for 9 years but still occasionally slept together.I suppose that as we are still married it is classed as cheating.


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## Super Awesome (Jul 11, 2011)

I think it's really easy to say, "I would never..."

But life is a funny bitch, and loves to throw us curve balls.


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## WamphyriThrall (Apr 11, 2011)

Ozziechick1966 said:


> I cheated on my husband last year,and I'm still cheating on him to this day I guess with my new partner.My husband and I have been separated for 10 years,but are not divorced.I'm planning to do it soon,as I don't think that it's fair on my new man to still be attatched to someone else when I'm with him.I felt so guilty and had to confess to my husband and I ended up sleeping with him again as a result of my infidelity.The person I cheated with was also cheating on me (he told me that he had split with his fiancee to be with me).We had known each other for many years and he told me that he loved me,and I stupidly believed him.I have been with married men three times unwittingly in the past year (they all told me that they were single)
> 
> *I would never cheat on my current partner,not with a man anyway.He knows that I am bisexual, and has given me his blessing to be with a woman (so I guess that isn't considered cheating as per se).*As for cheating on my husband I am not sure if that was really cheating either.We had been living apart for 9 years but still occasionally slept together.I suppose that as we are still married it is classed as cheating.


Sorry to derail, but I have to ask about this part. I think I know why he would be okay with it, but I have a hard time imagining it the other way around: The female giving her bi partner the okay to sleep with other men. Females in relationships, please prove me wrong. The only common situation I can think of would be the case of open relationships, but in those cases, both sides have that privilege. 

As for the topic, no. Not saying it's 100% out of the question, but the chances of it happening are slim, and would have to be "justified" in my eyes. For instance, the relationship is near over and she's been cheating with someone else for months.


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## Fizz (Nov 13, 2010)

WamphyriThrall said:


> Sorry to derail, but I have to ask about this part. I think I know why he would be okay with it, but I have a hard time imagining it the other way around: The female giving her bi partner the okay to sleep with other men. Females in relationships, please prove me wrong. The only common situation I can think of would be the case of open relationships, but in those cases, both sides have that privilege.


In a threesome? That doesn't really count though because that involves me.


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## alphacat (Mar 17, 2011)

Promethea said:


> I have for _revenge_, but I regretted it. Well, I didn't really regret hurting him, but I did regret lowering myself to his level. I was extremely hurt and angry, and I wasn't thinking rationally at all. If I had, I would have walked away years before it even got to that point. Being in a bad relationship, you can kind of lose sight of yourself.. your sanity. He was emotionally abusive and manipulative. He killed something inside of me. It was a very dark period of my life.



I absolutely feel you. When I get cheated on, I want to cheat right back. But I can't bring myself to do that, as I don't have sexual feelings for anyone else when I'm in love with a person. Thus, the relationship just becomes a slow festering disease waiting to die.


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## Hokahey (Oct 8, 2010)

. Never


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## anotherjenny (Mar 3, 2011)

Before I cheated, I, too, would've claimed that I would never, ever cheat. But when cheating seemed like an easier way to make myself happy than actually fixing my own fucked-up life, the act became easy. I think that's probably what it boils down to.

That was 3 years ago and while I've reconciled everything (my ex knows, etc etc) I think about my actions every day-- how they shaped who I am and how I'm going to continue to live my life.

I don't want to sound like a whiney little bitch (and then get all these comments about "well you deserve to suffer!") but it's been tough to continue to love and accept myself when I know I did a despicable thing. I've spent a lot of time looking for support groups for people who have cheated, and I haven't found many... the general public seems to think that only the cheated-upon feel hurt an deserve help. I don't think this is fair-- I don't believe that the majority of cheaters are cold-hearted bastards. 

Mostly, I think that when people are desperate and scared, they do stupid things. I want to send out a metaphorical thumbs up to anyone else courageous enough to admit they've cheated here. It's scary-- will people hate us? Not ever want to date us? Will it make our SOs want to leave us if we don't tell them right off the bat? But I find that talking about it does make it easier.


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## alphacat (Mar 17, 2011)

anotherjenny said:


> Before I cheated, I, too, would've claimed that I would never, ever cheat. But when cheating seemed like an easier way to make myself happy than actually fixing my own fucked-up life, the act became easy. I think that's probably what it boils down to.
> 
> That was 3 years ago and while I've reconciled everything (my ex knows, etc etc) I think about my actions every day-- how they shaped who I am and how I'm going to continue to live my life.
> 
> ...


That's the beauty of anonymity that these forums offer, people open up easier, and are quicker to admit things they would normally be ashamed off. I think the first step of recovering from this is to admit you did something wrong.

Also, it's indeed hard to find sympathy for cheaters, online or otherwise. It's because this is a self inflicted wound, and the shame is the same shame that a thief feels when he gets caught. In either situation, we must feel for the victim first.

If you really want to build trust with your SO from this point on, tell him about it and tell him you've learned from the experience. It's much easier to give a person a chance after she admits she regrets her actions. I believe honesty is the most important part of a healthy relationship.


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## zelder (Apr 17, 2011)

I've never done the deed. I don't like secrets, I don't like lying and I don't want my marriage to end for anyone or anything at anytime....but at times I can be a flirt. On extremely rare occations if I'm in a goofy mood and comfortable in my skin I can be an outrageous flirt. What's worse is that my wife gets turned on when I flirt with other women.


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## zelder (Apr 17, 2011)

Aerorobyn said:


> You know, when I was a kid/young teen, I told myself that I would NEVER cheat on a partner in any way, shape, or form.
> 
> In late June 2005, I began dating a guy (#1). We dated for about a week before I met another guy (#2), and I fell for #2 pretty quickly. I wanted both of them at the time, but I wanted #2 a bit more. I got together with #2, but told him beforehand that I was dating the other guy. The other guy (#1) had no idea that I was seeing somebody else. I was NOT physical with either of them, so it was only an emotional cheat - and the only one I really cheated on was #1.
> 
> ...


None of that is cheating at all in any way. That's all just normal dating drama. You can't cheat unless you are in a serious committed sexual relationship. Untill then you are free to play the field and explore all options.


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## William I am (May 20, 2011)

No. And I would never. If it ever gets to that point, it's time to move on. Nobody looks to cheat unless they're ready to move on anyway.
I have, however, been the Other Man once. It was ...weird.


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## kiwigrl (Apr 27, 2010)

I voted "No and I never plan to". Both my husband and I are extremely loyal people so I couldn't imagine any affairs happening in this marriage.


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## Elaminopy (Jun 29, 2011)

Nope, never cheated on anyone. I did _assist_ my wife in cheating on her then husband before knowing she was still married, but then I continued once I knew. She was separated and trying to get the divorce through.

I have been cheated on once, though. She was my first girlfriend and it was her first sexual relationship. She was 19 and I was 22 or 23 and she moved out of her parents' house into mine. I wasn't good at the whole "making an insecure girl feel like she's the most important thing in the whole world to me" thing and she started hanging out and slept with this other guy she had had a crush on since before she met me. I felt bad for her because she clearly didn't know what she wanted, but she insisted I break up with her so she could see how it was with him. Once I did, he didn't know she existed. After trying and failing to have other relationships while still being roommates, we became more friends with benefits until she met some guy and moved in with him.


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## Ubuntu (Jun 17, 2011)

I don't necessarily view it as unethical but I wouldn't do it, cheating would be out of character for me. I wouldn't want to deceive someone I care about or disrespect an agreement I voluntarily entered into unless I think I have a non-selfish reason to do so. I couldn't feel the same intimacy with her knowing that our relationship was built on a lie.


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## thor odinson (May 21, 2011)

Never have and I know I never will.

Well at least it's good to see it's not necessarily type related.

The way I see it, it's the worst act you can possibly do to your S.O. without actually physically hurting them. If I feel that strongly about it then obviously I don't want it done to me, and if I don't want it done to me I wouldn't hypocritically do it to others

_"No, don't ever plan to." 75.73% _

Finally, a majority statistic that people can be proud of lol


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## Somniorum (Oct 7, 2010)

i've not really been in a proper relationship or whatnot, but i naturally choose the "dont plan to" option. 

i think someone wanted to cheat on her boyfriend with me once, that said... it's not often that women show much interest in me - especially ones i'm actually attracted to - but it happened, and i'm quite sure she was interested, gave me her number, etc etc. 

for a time, the way she acted, i was unsure if she actually *was* with this one fellow or not... eventually it became absolutely clear. i didnt get to know her very well, as far as personality goes, but she was *terribly* attractive (art student - always have a thing for art school girls). but when i realized she was dating someone, i emotionally cut myself off from the possibility of being with her. i dont want to be the guy who buggers up someone's relationship.

i've been kinda cheated on before. it was fairly devastating :dry:


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## thor odinson (May 21, 2011)

Somniorum said:


> i've not really been in a proper relationship or whatnot, but i naturally choose the "dont plan to" option.
> 
> i think someone wanted to cheat on her boyfriend with me once, that said... it's not often that women show much interest in me - especially ones i'm actually attracted to - but it happened, and i'm quite sure she was interested, gave me her number, etc etc.
> 
> ...


i hear you bro,

and if she was willing to do that to him with you, what's to stop her from doing it to you with someone else in the future. Just another dreadful possibility that our Ne function can conjour up lol

Oh well, at least it makes us think twice


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## TJSeabury (Nov 23, 2010)

No and I think people who do are meek disgusting craven worm fuckers not worthy of trust from anyone for a long time.


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## Mendi the ISFJ (Jul 28, 2011)

no. My opinion is have the balls to tell someone you dont want to be with them (or at least that u can only accept an open relationship) *BEFORE* you bang someone else. Thus giving the other person the decision of whether or not they will remain in a relationship with you.


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## StormInATeaCup (Aug 4, 2011)

I am very loyal, was married for 13 years to an ISTJ who liked to punish me by withholding sex, but I NEVER cheated. 
I will never ever consider starting any kind of romantic relationship while in a relationship, EVER.
Yes, difficult for an outgoing, loving, sex craving ENFP like myself. However, my values will always come before, well, the other kind of coming.


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## Dasaint (Aug 8, 2011)

No I have not, if you dont like the person anymore its better to end the relationship, even though I know its hard for many people to tell the truth, But i think in the long its better to tell the truth then hurt someone emotionally.


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## shadowofambivalence (May 11, 2011)

I have never cheated on a significant other and i dont plan to. I cant say that its wrong and i cant say that its right either, personally i would rather break up with my partner than cheat on them. If i had a partner who cheated on me i would not be upset and i may give them another chance if they were honest with me and told me themselves that they cheated then i may give them another chance and also give them the choice to break up, but if i catch them and they try to lie about it or they cheat on me a second time, then its over weather they want it to be over or not


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## ProfessorLiver (Mar 19, 2011)

Toughie. Yes, I did cheat, there's no denying it, but we hadn't seen each other in months, and the relationship was at a dead end. The girl I cheated on her with is my current girlfriend, who I've had feelings for, for quite a time, so int hat regard, I did not regret it. At the same time, Girl A (for expediency) was one of the deepest relationships I've ever had, and has approached me with the prospect of trying again, in the future, when we are both single, which I don't want to PLAN on, it seems quite douchey, but she'd definitely be one of the first people I would go to, when I become single again. However, I'm happy as is, and I would never go out of my way to sabotage a romantic relationship that I see as having a future. Needless to say, I broke up with Girl A the day I kissed (that was all that happened) Girl B. I'd never try to wait until she found out. And I felt quite shitty afterwards, for a few days. In summary, no, looking back on it, I'm glad thing worked out the way they did. If I had the chance to change anything, I wouldn't.


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## Lala (Oct 13, 2008)

Sort of? I was involved with someone when I met someone else, one was far away at the time and I was struggling and he wasn't there for me when I was completely down. He wanted to be, but he had work, and thought being around me would cause me more stress. Well, I was very weak and I got pretty heavily involved with the person I am with now before I broke things off with the other guy, but once I became official with my current SO I broke things off with the other guy. So yeah, it would probably count as cheating. I don't regret it, personally, but that doesnt mean I do not feel bad about hurting someone else.


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## tnredhead (Apr 5, 2011)

twoofthree said:


> But if the terms of the contract have already been violated, then it's already void.
> 
> A lot of men cheat because their wives deny them sex. To me, no sex is already a breach of contract.
> If I denied my husband sex (and I'm not talking about occasional denial) then I wouldn't blame him, or anyone else, if he found it elsewhere. Just because I'm not interested/willing doesn't mean he should abstain.


I see what you are saying but would you really stay in a relationship where you weren't able to/didn't want to meet your partner's needs?

Also, if the terms of a contract have been breached, the contract has been broken, not voided (in my view). If that were the case in legal terms, contracts wouldn't serve much use as all you would have to do is break them to void them.


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## DustyDrill (May 20, 2011)

Zombie Jesus said:


> Ideally yes, I agree. It would not be entirely appropriate for an asexual to enter into a relationship with a sexual without first making this person aware that sex is not something they are at all interested in, or have any desire for.
> 
> However, you didn't answer my other question about marrying your buddy. If you are inseparable friends, how could this be a bad thing?


Good point. You've changed my view on the subject, but an asexual also wouldn't cheat.


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## twoofthree (Aug 6, 2011)

tnredhead said:


> I see what you are saying but would you really stay in a relationship where you weren't able to/didn't want to meet your partner's needs?


It depends. There might still be valid reasons for keeping the relationship - emotional connection etc. . . . in a lot of cases, it's the children and lifestyle that cause people to stay. 

Also, sometimes people don't realise how much of a need something is to the other person, because it's not even a want for them.



> Also, if the terms of a contract have been breached, the contract has been broken, not voided (in my view). If that were the case in legal terms, contracts wouldn't serve much use as all you would have to do is break them to void them.


You're right. I mean breached. I wasn't thinking in legalise just then.


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## MiriMiriAru (May 1, 2011)

DustyDrill said:


> an asexual also wouldn't cheat.


Well, it would be certainly less likely. But bear in mind that emotional cheating would still be possible.


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## redmanXNTP (May 17, 2011)

twoofthree said:


> But if the terms of the contract have already been violated, then it's already void.
> 
> A lot of men cheat because their wives deny them sex. To me, no sex is already a breach of contract.
> If I denied my husband sex (and I'm not talking about occasional denial) then I wouldn't blame him, or anyone else, if he found it elsewhere. Just because I'm not interested/willing doesn't mean he should abstain.


So the wife cuts off sex, and then what?

To me, this scenario begs the question. Does the husband declare, "I'm going to get sex elsewhere," or does he just start sneaking around? 

If he's sneaking around, it's still cheating. I think by definition if you've got an otherwise exclusive relationship with someone and you're concealing an unpermitted romantic/sexual relationship with someone else, you're cheating regardless of how otherwise "justified" you think it is.


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## redmanXNTP (May 17, 2011)

Zombie Jesus said:


> That's an interesting point of view. Are you saying that being in a relationship (or is this restricted to marriage? I only ask because your example spoke of wives and husbands) creates an obligation for one to provide sex to one's partner?


 Each relationship is different. It's for each couple to work out.

That said, I would expect that in the vast majority of marriages in the West there is a shared understanding that the relationship is sexual and for more than just procreating such that someone unilaterally cutting off sex without a valid reason (e.g. health) would offend their partner's expectations. 

In my post-divorce dating adventures I found a surprising number of women who had started "dating" while still married because their husbands were disinterested in sex, a counter to the general stereotype to be sure.


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## redmanXNTP (May 17, 2011)

DustyDrill said:


> Good point. You've changed my view on the subject, but an asexual also wouldn't cheat.


An asexual can have an emotional affair which, IMHO, carries with it a greater capacity for damage and betrayal than does a "merely" physical/sexual affair.


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## MiriMiriAru (May 1, 2011)

redmanINTP said:


> An asexual can have an emotional affair which, IMHO, carries with it a greater capacity for damage and betrayal than does a "merely" physical/sexual affair.


That's definitely true, as I alluded to as well. Also, while it need not be the case, an asexual engaged in an illicit affair could engage in sexual activity, generally for the benefit of the other party (though it is possible they may derive some pleasure from it), as asexuality is defined as a lack of sexual attraction, not an inability to do the deed (although largely there is a lack of desire to do so).


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## twoofthree (Aug 6, 2011)

Zombie Jesus said:


> That's an interesting point of view. Are you saying that being in a relationship (or is this restricted to marriage? I only ask because your example spoke of wives and husbands) creates an obligation for one to provide sex to one's partner?


I would think so. . . especially if sex was involved in the initial stages. It's not restricted to marriage.



redmanINTP said:


> So the wife cuts off sex, and then what?
> 
> To me, this scenario begs the question. Does the husband declare, "I'm going to get sex elsewhere," or does he just start sneaking around?
> 
> If he's sneaking around, it's still cheating. I think by definition if you've got an otherwise exclusive relationship with someone and you're concealing an unpermitted romantic/sexual relationship with someone else, you're cheating regardless of how otherwise "justified" you think it is.


Yes, it's definitely still cheating. But it's breaching a contract that's already been breached. . . (to be continued. I need to think about this a bit).

But I raised this issue in response to someone who was saying that she wouldn't go with someone who was cheating because she would empathise with the spouse/partner (who was being cheated on).
So I said that I used to think like that too until I realised that there are some situations in which I would have no empathy, or sympathy, for the spouse.


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## redmanXNTP (May 17, 2011)

twoofthree said:


> But I raised this issue in response to someone who was saying that she wouldn't go with someone who was cheating because she would empathise with the spouse/partner (who was being cheated on).
> So I said that I used to think like that too until I realised that there are some situations in which I would have no empathy, or sympathy, for the spouse.


Do you think you have so much information and insight as an outsider into another couple's relationship (especially given how much lying about the relationship is typically done by spouses looking to cheat, e.g. "We're getting divorced." Ya, right...) to reasonably determine who deserves no empathy? 

It's hard enough to know the ins and outs of my closest friends' and even siblings' marriages - in fact, all I know is that I really don't know the true depths of their marriages, nor should I, however well I know them and their spouses. 

It would be impossible to figure out some stranger's marriage without entering into the very relationship and taking the time with them that you're trying to determine is appropriate in the first place! 

I would respectfully suggest that you're not being honest with yourself on this one.


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## twoofthree (Aug 6, 2011)

redmanINTP said:


> Do you think you have so much information and insight as an outsider into another couple's relationship (especially given how much lying about the relationship is typically done by spouses looking to cheat, e.g. "We're getting divorced." Ya, right...) to reasonably determine who deserves no empathy?


Well who I empathise with is up to me. . . it's completely subjective.

That aside, do you really think it's impossible to have an insight into other people's marriage? 
Married people do talk to, and confide in, other people. 

Based on that I'm simply saying that there are sexless marriages, where one partner feels they're being denied and so goes outside the marriage to have that need met. It also applies to other needs, not just sex.

And in those circumstances I don't empathise with the spouse.

I'm not trying to determine the appropriateness of anything. What is there to lie to myself about?


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## MiriMiriAru (May 1, 2011)

twoofthree said:


> I would think so. . . especially if sex was involved in the initial stages. It's not restricted to marriage.
> 
> Yes, it's definitely still cheating. But it's breaching a contract that's already been breached. . . (to be continued. I need to think about this a bit).
> 
> ...


I don't know. I don't like the idea that anyone is obligated to have sex with anyone else, regardless of circumstance. Withholding sex as a way of punishment is not a good thing, but neither is requiring someone with a low sex drive, or lack of desire for sex, to have sex with their partner, simply because they are their partner. It's like saying the higher libido partner's need for sex is of greater importance than the other's lack of need, or need to not have sex.


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## redmanXNTP (May 17, 2011)

Zombie Jesus said:


> I don't know. I don't like the idea that anyone is obligated to have sex with anyone else, regardless of circumstance. Withholding sex as a way of punishment is not a good thing, but neither is requiring someone with a low sex drive, or lack of desire for sex, to have sex with their partner, simply because they are their partner. It's like saying the higher libido partner's need for sex is of greater importance than the other's lack of need, or need to not have sex.


As long as no one is misled, I agree with you. It's when a relationship gets established with sex as a core component (which it almost always is) and then one partner withdraws and gets disinterested (without a solid reason, such as health) that I start to talk about how they're not living up to their part of the bargain.


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## redmanXNTP (May 17, 2011)

twoofthree said:


> Well who I empathise with is up to me. . . it's completely subjective.
> 
> That aside, do you really think it's impossible to have an insight into other people's marriage?
> Married people do talk to, and confide in, other people.
> ...


You can empathize whoever you want to, I agree. The question is whether there's any sort of reasonable basis for that empathy. 

I agree there are sexless marriages. There are also men who lie about them, or whose wives are pregnant and not having sex, or who are emotionally neglectful of their wives and out playing with people like you. 

I think you're kidding yourself about how much you know about these marriages, and it sounds a lot more like a rationalization about your questionable conduct than it does any sort of enlightened or principled decision-making.


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## twoofthree (Aug 6, 2011)

redmanINTP said:


> You can empathize whoever you want to, I agree. The question is whether there's any sort of reasonable basis for that empathy.
> 
> I agree there are sexless marriages. There are also men who lie about them, or whose wives are pregnant and not having sex, or who are emotionally neglectful of their wives and out playing with people like you.
> 
> I think you're kidding yourself about how much you know about these marriages, and it sounds a lot more like a rationalization about your questionable conduct than it does any sort of enlightened or principled decision-making.


What conduct? 
You've assumed that I'm sleeping (or have slept) with someone under these circumstances. I am not, and I never have.

I'm just aware that there are marriages where one party is not having their needs met and so they will sometimes seek to have them met externally.

I know people who have been in that situation. . . and I wasn't directly involved.

I've already said which party I do not empathise with. . .


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## twoofthree (Aug 6, 2011)

Zombie Jesus said:


> I don't know. I don't like the idea that anyone is obligated to have sex with anyone else, regardless of circumstance. Withholding sex as a way of punishment is not a good thing, but neither is requiring someone with a low sex drive, or lack of desire for sex, to have sex with their partner, simply because they are their partner. It's like saying the higher libido partner's need for sex is of greater importance than the other's lack of need, or need to not have sex.


So perhaps that partner (the one with the low sex drive) could allow the other person to fulfil their need for sex elsewhere. . .

Then both sets of needs would be met.


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## Axiom (Sep 15, 2011)

I've never cheated on someone and have no intention of doing so, I think the one thing I can offer someone is a little loyalty. 

I personally find cheating to be, for lack of better terms, pretty horrible. Cheating is a one way ticket out of a relationship with me.



> So perhaps that partner (the one with the low sex drive) could allow the other person to fulfil their need for sex elsewhere. . .
> 
> Then both sets of needs would be met.


I think that situation is fine if both (or all three) parties have agreed on the arrangement, but doing it behind someone's back is the problem.


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## Jamie.Ether (Jul 1, 2011)

I feel like a scumball for cheating. It wasn't a serious relationship, only lasted a couple months, never had sex or said I love you or anything that serious [with the guy I cheated on]. Then I broke up with him because I felt so guilty about it. It was all so surreal. I'm not one to do stuff like that. I was so catatonic that point in my life. Craziness.


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## The Unseen (Oct 26, 2010)

alphacat said:


> To me, cheating either emotionally or physically is completely pointless. If you're at the point in your relationship where you are craving for an emotional connection or physically gratification with someone other than your partner, isn't it time for you to break it off? I honestly feel that rather than cheat, people should just realize that their current relationship isn't satisfactory anymore, and move on.


This is the way it should be, but if my current partner broke it off with me because he felt unsatisfied, when I felt as though I was doing everything right to satisfy him and was satisfied myself, it would completely crush me. I'd almost rather he cheat on me as a means to break it off, because at least that way I'd have some justifiable means to make sense of it in my head as to why it didn't work out.


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## MiriMiriAru (May 1, 2011)

twoofthree said:


> So perhaps that partner (the one with the low sex drive) could allow the other person to fulfil their need for sex elsewhere. . .
> 
> Then both sets of needs would be met.


That seems like a fair compromise, one that I am theoretically comfortable with. However, there is a concern, that as, in modern society sex is frequently seen as being strongly related to love, or at least emotional attachment, that the fulfillment of needs outside the relationship could take on a different character and become cheating, despite extra-relationship sex being agreed to.


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