# I don't want to die. I want to have never existed.



## VinnieBob (Mar 24, 2014)

TheProphetLaLa said:


> Writing down my mood? Never....Lol of course I have. Thats like psychologist exercise 101. Some people have ex boyfriends and girlfriends. I have ex psychologists.


:laughing::laughing::laughing:

yea me too
all of mine have been committed to the home of really really insane

on a serious note i have experienced what you are going through
it is called ''existential angst'' and it ain't purdy
me being INTJ i can never emote my frusteration or tell others how i really feel
[unless they piss me off of course:laughing:]
i found venting on here has helped tremendously 
see my past rants in the venting section


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## Kyusaku (Mar 18, 2014)

I can relate, in the sense that at some point life becomes a slow downward spiral that leads to death. You lose your health, strength, friends. Everything is fleeting, eroded by time. I don't believe you accept death even when your 70 or 80. Life is full of suffering that leads to an ultimate demise so to my mind it's not worth being born. That said, you still have to go on, some find the strength in faith, others in their relationships, work or medication. It's worth considering all the options, because pondering endlessly about an unsolvable dilemma just makes you miss the good things in life. In my experience, interacting with others really helps, I go to the daytime hospital everyday, maybe there's something similar in your country, where you get together with other people suffering, and are supervised by nurses, psychiatrists and psychologists. When you're invested in some therapeutic activities you put your mind away from worries. You also learn that it's okay to have difficulties, and to accept help wherever it's coming from.


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## Tropes (Jul 7, 2016)

I am noticing a few people are answering this as more of a problem to be solved. Admittedly I have a similar instinct but I've learned the difficult way to be cautious about applying it.

So I am just going to ask: @TheProphetLaLa - do you view this as a problem that needs solving?


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## Kaboomz (Jun 14, 2016)

i love poi. so i dance a lot. people tell me i'm stupid because poi doesn't pay bills. then these people turn around and return to their existential crises that are fueled by the desire to pay bills and buy contentment, and i just keep swinging. 

not to suggest that your fear of death is fueled by a desire to pay bills, but more that you probably need to poi the fuck up so you know, you're actually enjoying yourself. shift your perspective slightly, you know?





TheProphetLaLa said:


> Interesting. For me, the reasons are twofold, 1) The process of dying is frightening. Not existing doesn't bother me at all.
> 
> 2) The certainty that my death would leave some people completely devastated. There's no escape from this.


that's a really unusual perspective. 

death is a state non-existence. breaking down the barriers of ego and removing all existential illusions...so how can you be terrified of something that doesn't bother you at all? i guess the process might seem frightening, but maybe that's just a sign you should think it through more. people tend to quit thinking when fear enters the equation. i mean, a state of non-being in which you have no peripheral, sensory, mental or emotional apertures to define yourself through is basically the state of existence you began life with. death is synonymous with birth, really. it's why babies take so long to acclimatize to this dimension, they need to re-establish the illusion of self and solidify the notion of existence so they can function in our mad little world as individuals

everyone dies, so everyone's devastation is their own cross to bear. some people need to be devastated in order to move on, others don't. you should take pride in the fact that your life has such strong effects in this world. it's a reflection of how important everyone is. how something as effortless as dying can cut right through the core of someone else. it's amazing. i mean, why would you want it never to happen? or do you just mean in an egoist sense, as in just "you"? because i know you said not to, but that does sound like clinical depression or something, if it's not just a little indulgence in general nihilism haha

either way. the universe is a hodgepodge of pain and nonsense. but that doesn't mean you can't spend your entire time here laughing your ass off at it. and you probably should, since we're here, now. suffering is optional


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

You're only prolonging the inevitable. Be in control of your own death or leave it up to the merciless universe.
I'm going to buy a gun and shoot myself one day.


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## Katie Koopa (Jun 25, 2014)

I think if I could choose to have never existed, I definitely would. It's a big reason I don't want biological children; I don't want to put anyone else through this.


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## jamaix (Sep 20, 2013)

RLtropes said:


> I am noticing a few people are answering this as more of a problem to be solved. Admittedly I have a similar instinct but I've learned the difficult way to be cautious about applying it.
> 
> So I am just going to ask: @*TheProphetLaLa* - do you view this as a problem that needs solving?



Your comments and those from @Vinniebob led me to share the following excerpt. I included the link to the complete article (which I think is worth reading) below.



> If we can do this—accept our feelings without judgment, know that they aren’t final, and realize it’s _okay _to not feel okay sometimes—we’ll be much more well-equipped to manage the not-so-shiny-yet-very-real, harsher aspects of life that our culture tends to photoshop away.


Existential Angst & Why It’s Okay Not to Feel Okay | Refine The Mind


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## Tropes (Jul 7, 2016)

jamaix said:


> Existential Angst & Why It’s Okay Not to Feel Okay | Refine The Mind


Interesting editorial. I won't get into it's finer points, I doubt this is the place to do this and don't think accuracy was the author's goal anyway, and the core message is certainly relevant, but it actually brings up another aspect of depression and well being that differs:



> “When you feel happy, really happy, it somehow seems that you’ve always been happy and that you’ll always be happy. The same is often true when you feel sad, or lonely, or depressed, or broke, or sick, or scared. Something, perhaps, to remember.”


This is a major point of difference I've debated with someone in the past, they would certainly relate to this, that when they are in the extremes of despair it feels like it was always like that, remembering themselves in any other state of conjures doubt about whether those positive emotion were genuine. 
For me that was never the case, states of despair come with a very strong awareness that I used to feel better and in turn the experience of despair itself takes the shape of a sense of loss towards whatever might have inspired me to feel better previously.

The first perspective seems capable of reforming it's entire world view to fit the lens of it's latest state of mind, the later carries the past as the context and the lens with which to view the latest state of mind. It could be said to be a reflection of Ni & Si, but regardless of typology, it also shows that different approaches are needed in order to understand differences in the individuals psychological reality, even when resulting from the same core emotions.


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## Mange (Jan 9, 2011)

I feel you for sure. Thing done can't be undone and sometimes to live through them and carry the memories with you forever seems like too much to ask.


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## IDontThinkSo (Aug 24, 2011)

Death by internal dysfunctions and bad genetics IS suicide. Despising what you are and treating it as something you possess or hosts your self is all part of the suicidal dysfunctions.



TheProphetLaLa said:


> I have intelligence.


I beg to differ.


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## Amy (Jan 15, 2015)

@TheProphetLaLa I never thought that you were thinking this. I thought your life was perfect. Know something? Everybody's lives are not perfect. Don't believe in this hypocrite society that sugar coat every bad aspect of itself. Belive in this: that everything is up to be improved, meaning that nothing is perfect.

You are very courageous of posting what you feel. Many people wouldn't do that because of their fears, but you did it even fearing rejection. 
Did you notice that other people relate to you? See, you're not alone! We are humans, and bad things are part of our stories. Accept that, and it won't turn out as something bad to you.


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## TheProphetLaLa (Aug 18, 2014)

IDontThinkSo said:


> Death by internal dysfunctions and bad genetics IS suicide. Despising what you are and treating it as something you possess or hosts your self is all part of the suicidal dysfunctions.
> 
> 
> 
> I beg to differ.


Here we go.  There's always gotta be one. 

Dude...who are you trying to impress? You sound pathetic, and this is a thread about not wanting to exist so you're really exceeding expectations. 

I don't know how you got here but I think you're lost. Move along now.


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## TheProphetLaLa (Aug 18, 2014)

RLtropes said:


> I am noticing a few people are answering this as more of a problem to be solved. Admittedly I have a similar instinct but I've learned the difficult way to be cautious about applying it.
> 
> So I am just going to ask: @*TheProphetLaLa* - do you view this as a problem that needs solving?


Do I view what as a problem that needs solving? The not wanting to exist part? No. Because that's an effect, not the problem itself. The things which led me to feel this way? Yes, but I'm not expecting to find advice here (although I appreciate all the people trying to help). Simply to share my struggles with others. It feels good to know you're not alone sometimes.


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## IDontThinkSo (Aug 24, 2011)

TheProphetLaLa said:


> Here we go.  There's always gotta be one.
> 
> Dude...who are you trying to impress? You sound pathetic, and this is a thread about not wanting to exist so you're really exceeding expectations.
> 
> I don't know how you got here but I think you're lost. Move along now.



You poor, poor special neurotic snowflake.


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## HouseBlackfyre (Jul 10, 2016)

TheProphetLaLa said:


> Sooner or later, somethings gotta give.


Sometimes I wonder. I know so many people who are always looking to the future in the hopes that their problems will end there and I'm not sure that's really how it works. I wonder how many people do just barely get by not for a few weeks or months, but for decades. There are definitely people who live like this, I've seen them.

_Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal. _
*-Albert Camus*


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## Hao (Apr 20, 2016)

*This thread is so beautiful in a sense. It really moved me, personally. But that's all I am going to say.

In other words, I have no advice for you. Hope you'll figure it out in the end.*


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

Actually, you do some basic therapy and change your view of the world to be wonderful and not regret it all the time. Alas, that is difficult to maintain.


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## Catwalk (Aug 12, 2015)

Life is _suffering + fetishized masochism_ - however; it is not ''anything,'' but. 

Optimist(s) cry the hardest (via) _self-serving_ delusion(s). When you are a pesimisstic - you have accepted that ''suffering,'' - will only continue (&) rationally so.

One with pessimist-mindset(s) is the failure to [distract] oneself - from ''reality,'' (_sans_ nihilism / 'magical thinking' + fact-free religious mythos + human narcississm) - et al.

Consider* ::*

_Life denying_ pessimism (i.e., ascetic) --->_ Life-affirming_ pessimism (i.e. dionysian). 

Granted; Nietzsche made this _mistake_.

_If the evidence justifies pessimism, then we must be pessimistic. If we are optimistic when pessimism is justified, we are irrational_ - (_vide _Atheism / Morality / Meaning).

I would suggest a practicing more eudaimonistic (i.e., personal + psychological well-being / growth) ritualized-think --> for a healthy transition from ''life-denial,'' pessimism to life-affirming pessimism.


(1) Autonomy

(2) Personal growth

(3) Self-acceptance

(4) Purpose in life

(5) Environmental mastery

(6) Positive relations with others.


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## Spiren (May 12, 2016)

Take note of every word of the above that @Catwalk has written, that's exactly the answer and you will know it once you've started the journey.

From time to time, I experience horrible bouts of intense existential depression. They've become less gratuitous over the years that I've been able to identify patterns that force me into this mode. Identify your triggers or get help reflecting on your mindset. Essentially it is rather easy to deduce what Catwalk has posted, especially if you've experienced it, but sometimes it can become difficult without someone helping you spot what it is that you've overlooked and supporting you to tackle these challenges. The ideal is a self-supporting system but you can accept help.

Look up mindfulness and re-framing your thoughts.

Also, the obvious places to begin is by looking at your health and activity. Are you active, do you eat well and sleep well? Do you lack vitamins or have a chemical imbalance that maybe triggering depression, etc.?


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## Spiren (May 12, 2016)

TheProphetLaLa said:


> Writing down my mood? Never....Lol of course I have. Thats like psychologist exercise 101. Some people have ex boyfriends and girlfriends. I have ex psychologists.


Lol the other day, I was looking up some new apps on meditation. I came across Moodtrack and Pacifica. They're free, people join groups, etc. and post their moods - it's essentially ranting central. I suppose it's acknowledging what you're feeling and letting it free into cyberspace, you don't need to come back and read replies etc. With the amount of depressed people on there, I wouldn't advise you join the groups unless you really, really, enjoy verbal support but perhaps posting your mood would help.

I recommended it to my sibling who is always fucking venting.


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