# Estj husband feels disrespected and unloved because I won't lose weight



## 2kindred

Hi everyone. I'm an ENFP married 5 years to an ESTJ. Before we were married he asked me to agree that we would both do whatever it takes to stay basically our same weight for each other. My sincere desire to please responded with a genuine yes. We then had a baby together and he's now 3 and it isn't as easy as I thought it would be to lose the extra 15 pounds. I'm 40 and have had 5 kids so my body isn't bouncing back as quickly and I also struggle with starting and stopping healthy habits. My husband says That I'm disrespecting him by not following through with my commitment and that I know how important my looks are to him. I'm trying and could work harder at it but seem to not follow through which in turn frustrates him even more and makes me feel unloved. I'm curious what other ESTJs think about this and if we can come to some sort of a compromise? I was 117 when we met and I'm 130 now. Thanks for any input!


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## WickedQueen

I'm an ESTJ women. 

Two weeks ago I just dumped my boyfriend because it was the third time that he broke his promises without prior notice nor apologizing. Broken promises and inconsistencies are my biggest pet peeves. I don't take that lightly and I won't compromise. 

Your husband probably felt lied and trapped by you, like you're not serious with your promise but you have said 'yes' so that he will agree to marry you. Now that you both married and have a child, he's 'trapped' with you and people will condemn him if he dump you just because you're overweight. It's the broken promise and unfortunate situation that frustrate him, so he blame you for his 'miseries'.

To deal with it, first of all you have to apologize to him because you are unable to keep your words. To ESTJ, words should be kept _no matter what_. So do not use age and children as your excuse, it will only makes him more angry at you. Just state that you have failed to keep your promise and you're sorry. That's it. Don't give any excuse.

The next thing is to decide what to do next. This should be discussed privately between you and your husband. If he still want you to have less weight, then as a husband, he should give you some help because obviously you can't do this alone. And technically, you're doing it _for him_ anyway, so he at least must contribute.


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## 2kindred

Thank you for your response. I'm just now beginning to understand how he operates so I'm trying not to get my feelings hurt. He absolutely won't tolerate lying and I can understand that, but it has seemed harsh to me for him to say that I flat out lied. I guess technically I did and I just have to make myself see it that way. I do believe a genuine apology will go a long way with him. Now I'm just afraid of failing. Again.


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## WickedQueen

2kindred said:


> Thank you for your response. I'm just now beginning to understand how he operates so I'm trying not to get my feelings hurt. He absolutely won't tolerate lying and I can understand that, but it has seemed harsh to me for him to say that I flat out lied. I guess technically I did and I just have to make myself see it that way. I do believe a genuine apology will go a long way with him. Now I'm just afraid of failing. Again.


If you don't want to try to lose weight again because it's too tiring for you, just tell him so. Don't say that you 'will try', because then he will see that you're not 'really trying'. Don't give him the opportunity to nit pick your words and use it against you later on. He will happily use it to blaming you for everything.

At least, you have apologizing and stating that you can't keep your promise. So if he can't forgive you nor accept your 'failure' on keeping the promise, then that is his problem, not you.


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## Ace Face

Uhhhh, I don't give a fuck who he thinks he is, 130 lbs. is not something you or anyone else should fret over. That's a good, healthy weight. I'm sorry, but I wouldn't put up with that shit for a second <3 Just being real with you.


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## Wakachi

The point isn't about the weight. It's about trust and credibility. 

The "if you can't deal with one small thing, how can you deal with big things?" dilemma.


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## WickedQueen

Wakachi said:


> The point isn't about the weight. It's about trust and credibility.


Indeed. Integrity is when a person's words can be proven through his actions. Everyone can talk big about themselves, but not everyone can prove it through action.

I told my (ex) boyfriend that his words is the only thing I trust. If he can't even keep his words, then there's nothing left from him to trust, so there's no need to continue the relationship.


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## 2kindred

While I do believe it has a whole lot to do with keeping my word.....I also believe the weight is still a huge issue. He still doesn't understand why I won't give him "the one thing" that's most important to him: A cute and little wife. He finally said that he would deal with it if I don't lose the weight because he would rather stay married to me, but he still brings it up and let's me know that it's still as important to him as ever. He wants me to get a better job with better pay, too. Anyway....my personality empathizes with others who are "doing their best" so I don't understand the cold "just do it" mentality. He is trying to be more sympathetic since being with me, though. And I'm trying to learn how to follow through and take some emotion out of it. Lately I find that I'm down on myself, though.


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## 2kindred

Ace Face said:


> Uhhhh, I don't give a fuck who he thinks he is, 130 lbs. is not something you or anyone else should fret over. That's a good, healthy weight. I'm sorry, but I wouldn't put up with that shit for a second <3 Just being real with you.


I'm 5'0 exactly, so the 15 or so pounds show up easily on me. I still look at pictures and think, "well I'm not THAT big", but he wants me to be "small" like I use to be. Just his preference. It certainly seems extremely superficial to me, but he has always told me that it is important to him. I knew it going in, I just didn't play it out all the way in my mind.


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## Alaiyo Sakuri

2kindred said:


> I'm 5'0 exactly, so the 15 or so pounds show up easily on me. I still look at pictures and think, "well I'm not THAT big", but he wants me to be "small" like I use to be. Just his preference. It certainly seems extremely superficial to me, but he has always told me that it is important to him. I knew it going in, I just didn't play it out all the way in my mind.


Well, if you do it, do it primarily for you. Your husband doesn't have your body, you do. And did _he_ carry the kids? Does _he_ know what it's like? 
You promised him that, and I understand verbal promises are important to ESTJs, but it's not like you're cheating with his brother or anything like that. That honestly seems like an awfully superficial thing to be worried about. But I'm not him, so I don't know him, either.

Anyway, don't let it get you down. Take charge of your body if _you_ feel like it.


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## chickydoda

Wow, your husband sounds like a bit of a dick. No offence. I've already addressed the weight thing, but I have something to say about your job- if you are happy and enjoy your job, than he should get over himself. Money isn't everything, unless you are struggling to make ends meet.


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## Ace Face

2kindred said:


> I'm 5'0 exactly, so the 15 or so pounds show up easily on me. I still look at pictures and think, "well I'm not THAT big", but he wants me to be "small" like I use to be. Just his preference. It certainly seems extremely superficial to me, but he has always told me that it is important to him. I knew it going in, I just didn't play it out all the way in my mind.


Honestly, if that's the biggest thing he's got to complain about, I'd say you're probably doing a damn fine job at being a kick ass wife and mother. If you want to lose the weight, go for it. It's your body, not his. _These ESTJs are not your husband_. Shit, I'm an ENFP, and I take promises very seriously as well. That doesn't take away from the fact that it seems very shallow of him to make you promise to lose weight. That's not something "promise-worthy" in my eyes. It's unimportant, especially when you consider you're still at a healthy weight. If your health were the concern, that'd be different, but it doesn't really seem as if it's about your health. My advice: just do you, honey. If he's angry over fifteen pounds, then he's probably got some deeper issues he needs to work on.... seriously.


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## Cover3

He's waaaaay overboard with this..


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## SublimeSerendipity

2kindred said:


> I'm 5'0 exactly, so the 15 or so pounds show up easily on me. I still look at pictures and think, "well I'm not THAT big", but he wants me to be "small" like I use to be. Just his preference. It certainly seems extremely superficial to me, but he has always told me that it is important to him. I knew it going in, I just didn't play it out all the way in my mind.


You are far from THAT BIG, but I do understand how at 5'0 that weight does make a difference. 

However, I still stand by my belief that he's being a superficial jerk about this whole thing, and until he has grown, carried, and physically nourished 5 babies, he has absolutely no room to talk.

I also don't like the response from the ESTJs here, supporting the idea that he was lied to. You did NOT lie to him!! Obviously it sounds like you have tried your hardest to conform to these vain wishes of his. Now if you just said, "baby I've got my ring, and now you got me knocked up so you're mine forever and I'm gonna stop caring about being/looking good", then that's a completely different story. But you have tried. And 130 pounds on a 5'0 frame at 40 is amazing!! That's the best you can do is try. And if he doesn't see that and accept and support that then he's a jerk. Sorry. Don't let these ESTJs tell you that age and kids has no effect on your body's metabolism and ability to lose weight.


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## chickydoda

Random question to the people on this board- is it ok to have certain conditions in relationships? When I get married, I want my husband to continue working out and eating well and to stay as healthy as possible... this is because of the health of my family now and obesity and not wanting my husband to die early or have a beer belly... so is it ok if you don't have a specific number in mind?

I wouldn't mind if my husband was like Jack Black size... Jack Black is pretty awesome 

(BTW, I'm a big girl myself, but once I slim down, I plan on staying there- I won't ask something of someone until I can maintain those things myself)


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## Christie

Oh my freakin'goodness! Am I really seeing this conversation!?! You are fine, honey. The problem is with him. You have popped out 5 kids and are still 130lbs!! That is incredible!! IMO you have more than held up your end of the bargain. What's he going to do when you're old and wrinkled? What about if you're in an accident or develop a health problem and you're no longer his cute little wife? He is being shallow and petty. He needs to put himself in check and reevaluate his priorities in life. Seriously.


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## pinkrasputin

I won't date a guy if he is not physically fit and not leading an active life style. This is for many reasons. It would really piss me off if my partner suddenly became sedentary after we were married. This is a huge value of mine. 

Whether or not people see her husband as "shallow", that is still her husband and he didn't put up a false front in the beginning. He did state what was important to him. It's sort of wrong to expect your partner to change when you knew what you were getting in the beginning. The OP came to the ESTJ forum to gain their perspective on this. It is creating an understanding of why her husband is this way and how he feels.

I think telling her that her husband is a "dick" is sort of defeating her purpose here. Perhaps if she was to understand what commitment means to an ESTJ, it might help her have the motivation to listen to him more instead of passing him off simply as "a dick". I don't think anything is going to be accomplished that way.


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## chickydoda

pinkrasputin said:


> I think telling her that her husband is a "dick" is sort of defeating her purpose here. Perhaps if she was to understand what commitment means to an ESTJ, it might help her have the motivation to listen to him more instead of passing him off simply as "a dick". I don't think anything is going to be accomplished that way.


Yeah, I felt kind of bad about that. The thing is, she's tried her hardest, getting to a specific number isn't always possible- it would have been better for them to have agreed on a specific weight range or lifestyle. Numbers aren't everything. Did you read the bit about the job?

I just feel like her husband is being unreasonable. He needs to start caring more about how she feels rather than how she looks.

My ISTJ mum is obsessed with my weight. I want to lose weight, but she doesn't offer support that is helpful to me. Instead she tells me when I look gross, she comments on my food choices, refuses to buy certain things, tells me I'm a pig, a slob whatever (not all the time). What I would really like is help preparing healthy meals, someone to exercise with, someone to drive me to the gym/classes, a weekly weightloss meeting at home, where we track measurements and weights, discuss highlights and lowlights of the week etc. If someone's going to have some expectation of you, they have to offer support in every way possible, in a way that's helpful to you.


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## infinitewisdom

A dick by any other name is still a dick!


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## WickedQueen

pinkrasputin said:


> I won't date a guy if he is not physically fit and not leading an active life style. This is for many reasons. It would really piss me off if my partner suddenly became sedentary after we were married. This is a huge value of mine.
> 
> Whether or not people see her husband as "shallow", that is still her husband and he didn't put up a false front in the beginning. He did state what was important to him. It's sort of wrong to expect your partner to change when you knew what you were getting in the beginning. The OP came to the ESTJ forum to gain their perspective on this. It is creating an understanding of why her husband is this way and how he feels.
> 
> I think telling her that her husband is a "dick" is sort of defeating her purpose here. Perhaps if she was to understand what commitment means to an ESTJ, it might help her have the motivation to listen to him more instead of passing him off simply as "a dick". I don't think anything is going to be accomplished that way.


I think of the same way too.


*For everyone that do not like my prior responses, who think that she's innocence, and cursing her husband:*

It is obvious from the very beginning how superficial that guy is, but that apparently didn't stop her from agreeing with his will and even marrying him. If I was her, I would walk away in the first place before he put the ring on my finger.

Now she married with this guy, has a child, failed to keep her words, and instead of dealing with the consequences, suddenly it's all her husband's fault for being superficial and everyone must sympathetic to her instead of encouraging her to fix the problem (in which she take part in causing it) and save her marriage. 

Am I the only one who see the emotional manipulation here (trying to get people's sympathy instead of actually trying to resolve the problem)?

Just look at the provocative title:
"Estj husband feels disrespected and *unloved *because I won't lose weight"

But in her thread, she said:


2kindred said:


> I'm trying and could work harder at it but seem to not follow through which in turn frustrates him even more and makes me feel *unloved*.


So who's the one that feels unloved, exactly? 

There are inconsistencies and partial information in her OP. She had not telling us all the whole truth. From her posts, it is obvious that she was trying to carry the readers to agreeing with her opinion ("I'm innocence, I've tried so hard, my husband is cruel to me, I'm the victim here"), and you all blatantly take everything she said without careful consideration.

Furthermore, in the OP, she clearly ask for assistance to deal with the problem:



2kindred said:


> I'm curious what other ESTJs think about this and if we can come to some sort of a compromise?


Didn't I gave her what she want? A way to sort things out, to find a compromise, and *to save her marriage*?

Her husband is probably a dick, but she *knew that* from the very beginning and she *still chose* to marry him. Cursing her husband and encourage her to create more conflict with her husband *will not solve the problem*. What if the conflict end up with her husband divorcing her? Are you really ready to take the responsibility for every consequence that will come further, including her divorce court, the emotional turmoil, the financial problem, and the nurture of her child? Think of her child. Does he really deserves all that mess, just because daddy wants mommy to lose few more weight but people on the internet encourage mommy to refuse his will?

Let's help her to go through her marriage safely, instead of letting her needs for emotional validation clouding our objectivity and potentially destroy her marriage.


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## koalaroo

Mendi the ISFJ said:


> while i get your point i have to say, does the guy really believe that after 5 kids she wouldnt have permanently gained weight? I dont have kids but i hear friends say that they just cant seem to lose the weight after multiple births. I can see why the ESTJs would give her the opposing view but damn it doesnt mean its ok to treat your partner like that.


No, it isn't OK for her partner to treat her the way he did. That said, she's still being disrespectful to him. I'll explain why.

She mentioned (between the thread here and the thread on the ENFP forum) that she didn't have difficulty losing weight with the first four children. After baby #5, she hasn't lost all of the weight. She has also mentioned NOT having the will power to stay on a diet or exercise regiment. From what I gleaned, babies 1, 2, 3 and 4 were with other men. Baby 5 is with her current husband.

So, I'm curious about something else. With the previous children, if the weight wasn't too terribly difficult to lose -- was she losing the weight for herself or was she losing the weight for her partner at the time? If she was able to lose the weight for her partner at the time and wanted to lose the weight for them, I could see (along with the promise before marriage) why the husband would potentially take it as a personal slight! 

Again, I'm not saying it's right how she perceives her husband as treating her. But, I can see where things could go wrong.


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## MegaTuxRacer

@2kindred I would explain to your husband that when you made that promise, you didn't realize how difficult it would be to do this with a child. 

Also you should do this for yourself and your kids instead. There's a book out there called You Are Your Own Gym. It focuses on body weight exercises, and it is a 30 minutes a day 3-4 times a week. It even has a section on proper nutrition and has tools on how to follow through. It is what I will be starting soon, and I have had a couple of my friends who are getting their masters in exercise physiology take a look at it. They both approve. The book is cheap, only $15. The only cost other than the book is a removable pull up bar, but you don't have to do pull ups. Be healthy, and the cute wife will come. That's something your husband should be more worried about.


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## taylor2005

I hear this works and it's 20 minutes a day.


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## Stelmaria

Keeping in mind that eating the amount of calories to sustain a 115 lb body weight, would mean that it would take about two years to reach that body weight from 130 lbs. Anything faster than that is unhealthy in my opinion.


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## nujabes

Has your husband followed through on every promise or commitment he made to you during the marriage?

If this is his only problem with you, he certainly seems shallow. I've read all the posts about how this is about keeping promises, but i don't buy it. This sounds like a guy who is shallow and wants a trophy wife. You had 5 kids and only gained 13lbs? Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, that's impressive.

Tell him you're "sorry" that you couldn't keep your body weight at his desired levels while you were busy incubating and raising 5 children in your body.


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## pinkrasputin

Mendi the ISFJ said:


> while i get your point i have to say, does the guy really believe that after 5 kids she wouldnt have permanently gained weight? I dont have kids but i hear friends say that they just cant seem to lose the weight after multiple births. I can see why the ESTJs would give her the opposing view but damn it doesnt mean its ok to treat your partner like that.


I'm not understanding why the 5 kids is a valid excuse? She has only had 1 child since she made that promise to him. The first four don't sound like they were his. So she comes into this relationship already having 4 kids, then promises her new husband she'd work hard to maintain her weight. Then she decides it's too tough and now says "It's too tough! I've had 5 kids!". She knew that from the get-go. She knows her body better than him. I'm not understanding why it's his fault she has had 5 kids?

Give the man some credit. He loved and married a woman that already had 4 kids. That's a rare find. He can't be all that bad. She at least needs to take some responsibility in all this and for her own choices in life.


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## Mendi the ISFJ

pinkrasputin said:


> I'm not understanding why the 5 kids is a valid excuse? She has only had 1 child since she made that promise to him. The first four don't sound like they were his. So she comes into this relationship already having 4 kids, then promises her new husband she'd work hard to maintain her weight. Then she decides it's too tough and now says "It's too tough! I've had 5 kids!". She knew that from the get-go. She knows her body better than him. I'm not understanding why it's his fault she has had 5 kids?
> 
> Give the man some credit. He loved and married a woman that already had 4 kids. That's a rare find. He can't be all that bad. She at least needs to take some responsibility in all this and for her own choices in life.


I didnt know at the time of my post about her having had the 4 kids before marrying him, aparently thats in a separate thread. I think its pretty amazing that shes maintained a decent weight after having them. I dont know how old she is or what other factors might be at play here. The "promise" she made to him should never have been made since its not something you can always control as much as you would like to. It also seems that the guy in question isnt looking at the big picture which is that he has a wife and kid who love him.


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## Mendi the ISFJ

Snow Leopard said:


> Keeping in mind that eating the amount of calories to sustain a 115 lb body weight, would mean that it would take about two years to reach that body weight from 130 lbs. Anything faster than that is unhealthy in my opinion.


isnt that taking into consideration only dieting and not exercise?


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## Persephone

pinkrasputin said:


> I'm not understanding why the 5 kids is a valid excuse? She has only had 1 child since she made that promise to him. The first four don't sound like they were his. So she comes into this relationship already having 4 kids, then promises her new husband she'd work hard to maintain her weight. Then she decides it's too tough and now says "It's too tough! I've had 5 kids!". She knew that from the get-go. She knows her body better than him. I'm not understanding why it's his fault she has had 5 kids?
> 
> Give the man some credit. He loved and married a woman that already had 4 kids. That's a rare find. He can't be all that bad. She at least needs to take some responsibility in all this and for her own choices in life.


It's not an excuse. It's a reason. It's not the smartest thing to promise a man anyhow. My own weight fluctuates five pounds every now and then (I do have a stable set weight, at my underweight BMI) and I do nothing in particular for them. I have been 107 pounds and I have been 97 pounds, so it's not good to promise to a number.

Nevertheless, there's is a huge fat-hating culture (there is also a big fat-rationalizing culture, something along the lines of "it's never my fault! I have thyroid issues..."), but I think we need to take the focus off the fat and simply realize it's another body shape and come to think of it, it seems that the ESTJ is only insisting for the looks anyway. We don't have his side of the story but he doesn't seem overly concerned with her health. There is some bending over backwards to him in this thread. 

Yes, promises are important to an ESTJ, but doesn't he need to get over himself too? One of the gifts of learning about type is compromise and personal growth and while she should learn not to promise unrealistic things, isn't it time he develops his tertiary and inferior functions? Type is not an excuse, and his personality is certainly not a sacred inviolate zone that the ENFP should respect at all times.

There isn't anything grossly wrong with being 130 lbs and I don't see why you think being this weight needs an "excuse". It is not a moral failure, I still hold that she could have thought this out more thoroughly before she promised him anything, but this is still _his _problem to get over.

Different types perceive "promises" differently. My ISFJ mother has the same hangups about promises, and she is very serious-minded. I could be musing to her about my summer plans: "I'll do x hours of piano practice on weekdays..." and she hears that, and she'd call from work everyday to "hold me to my own promise". On any particular day, however, an interesting wiki article could catch my interest and I would be off doing free research for five hours, not practicing piano at all.

To me, an N, and an ENFP should be even more so, a promise is fluid and subject to new information. Before she had her fifth child, it might have seemed easy to maintain her weight. I'm a college student and I'm not going to have kids anytime soon, and I can tell you with some confidence I will not exceed 110 lbs in five years, but the child is a _mutual_ creation. He can't just say: "let's embark on a project that MIGHT cause you to gain weight... and I will blame you if you do". She is also 40, and the more our metabolism slows down, the harder it is to lose weight, which is why many seniors cannot keep their waistlines down. So the moral of the story is: *Your body changes in ways you may not expect as you age and your health fluctuates.* I don't know why that's hard to grasp.

Every personality has its own hangups and it's not a sin to like good looking women. I don't require my boyfriend to be good looking but I sure as hell want him to be cultured, and it's not unreasonable for him to read more books just to appease my standards, but if it's excessively unenjoyable for him, it seems tyrannical for me to insist and shame him for it, for breaking the promise that "you will read theoretical physics". Maybe he didn't know at the time that it would suck this much? Not a very smart promise, sure, but if I loved him I would stay with him.


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## pinkrasputin

Persephone said:


> It's not an excuse. It's a reason. It's not the smartest thing to promise a man anyhow. My own weight fluctuates five pounds every now and then (I do have a stable set weight, at my underweight BMI) and I do nothing in particular for them. I have been 107 pounds and I have been 97 pounds, so it's not good to promise to a number.
> 
> Nevertheless, there's is a huge fat-hating culture (there is also a big fat-rationalizing culture, something along the lines of "it's never my fault! I have thyroid issues..."), but I think we need to take the focus off the fat and simply realize it's another body shape and come to think of it, it seems that the ESTJ is only insisting for the looks anyway. We don't have his side of the story but he doesn't seem overly concerned with her health. There is some bending over backwards to him in this thread.
> 
> Yes, promises are important to an ESTJ, but doesn't he need to get over himself too? One of the gifts of learning about type is compromise and personal growth and while she should learn not to promise unrealistic things, isn't it time he develops his tertiary and inferior functions? Type is not an excuse, and his personality is certainly not a sacred inviolate zone that the ENFP should respect at all times.
> 
> There isn't anything grossly wrong with being 130 lbs and I don't see why you think being this weight needs an "excuse". It is not a moral failure, I still hold that she could have thought this out more thoroughly before she promised him anything, but this is still _his _problem to get over.
> 
> Different types perceive "promises" differently. My ISFJ mother has the same hangups about promises, and she is very serious-minded. I could be musing to her about my summer plans: "I'll do x hours of piano practice on weekdays..." and she hears that, and she'd call from work everyday to "hold me to my own promise". On any particular day, however, an interesting wiki article could catch my interest and I would be off doing free research for five hours, not practicing piano at all.
> 
> To me, an N, and an ENFP should be even more so, a promise is fluid and subject to new information. Before she had her fifth child, it might have seemed easy to maintain her weight. I'm a college student and I'm not going to have kids anytime soon, and I can tell you with some confidence I will not exceed 110 lbs in five years, but the child is a _mutual_ creation. He can't just say: "let's embark on a project that MIGHT cause you to gain weight... and I will blame you if you do". She is also 40, and the more our metabolism slows down, the harder it is to lose weight, which is why many seniors cannot keep their waistlines down. So the moral of the story is: *Your body changes in ways you may not expect as you age and your health fluctuates.* I don't know why that's hard to grasp.
> 
> Every personality has its own hangups and it's not a sin to like good looking women. I don't require my boyfriend to be good looking but I sure as hell want him to be cultured, and it's not unreasonable for him to read more books just to appease my standards, but if it's excessively unenjoyable for him, it seems tyrannical for me to insist and shame him for it, for breaking the promise that "you will read theoretical physics". Maybe he didn't know at the time that it would suck this much? Not a very smart promise, sure, but if I loved him I would stay with him.


Keep in mind that the OP is 5'0".

A common reason why metabolism may slow down at 40 is due to a decrease in activity level and loss of muscle so you burn less calories. Both of those things can be controlled. And you do need to start incorporating some weight training when you start to get closer to 40. 

I'm 41 and have had a child. I also teach aerobics and am an ultra marathoner. I lead a very active lifestyle and I'm committed to staying in shape. My best friends and dear colleagues are mothers with the same amount of children and look fantastic. Their muscle/fat ratio is superb. Just because a person is 40 or has had kids is not an excuse. That's an insult, btw. That doesn't mean you have to give up. I look way better now than I did in my 20s. Many, many people are like this.

Plus, the OP admitted why she wasn't succeeding. She couldn't stick to it. But the reality is that it's not impossible to be your ideal weight at 40, 50, or 60, no matter how many kids you have. My ass gets beaten all the time in races by people who are way older than me. I know a 65 year old man who ran Western States 100 miler last weekend. The whole metabolism thing, I don't buy. First do what you can that is within your power, then complain. But like I've said, the OP already said she can't stick to it.

How do you know her husband isn't worried about her health? How do you know his motivations at all? We don't know much other than what the OP states about her husband. We don't even know what _she_ tells her husband. Therefore, I can only give recommendations based on what's within _her_ control. Whenever there is an issue in a marriage, you really can't change someone else. It's better to start thinking what can _you_ offer instead of expecting your partner to give or change. 

Having kids and being 40 is not a valid reason for anyone to remain a defeatist about losing weight. There are just too many successful stories out there and people who overcome and who I help support on their journey to achieve their ideal body.

The OP has posted this same thread in the ENFP forum. There, I gave her some lengthy advice on what to do regarding her weight. Those excuses she's given are poor ones and they will only stand in her way. Perhaps her husbands sees that too?

Main thing is, you can't control someone else. She can only control herself. And I seriously doubt her ESTJ husband is overlooking her health. I don't think that is the case at all. 

And I agree with you that this has nothing to do with type. Nor should special allowances be made. I'm an ENFP just like the OP, and I can barely relate to the excuses. Plus, she is perpetuating myths that have the potential to be damaging to others.


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## infinitewisdom

Hey health freak. What if she converted the fat into muscle and then still weighed 130? Then what? What if she lost weight in an unhealthy manner just to appease him. "honey I took adderol (legal meth) and lost the weight now will you not be ashamed of me and love me again" She could be fifteen pounds over weight and have a better heart rate and BP than her husband yet she still loves her hubby. That little amount is superficial!

I initially took the OP's post as an ESTJ dick barking out orders. But after seeing someone suggesting the husband encourage her by becomming active in the weight loss plan. I think that's the best option. The op should try at least only because I think it's what SHE wants.


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## DJArendee

ESTJ's expect you to speak in verbatim absolutes. "Hey I'm going to subway. Be back in a bit." You go to subway but decide to go to 7 eleven for a slurpee as well. ESTJ sees the slurpee, "You didn't go to subway, you want to 7 eleven!" "Yeah I went to subway and stopped at 7 eleven on the way." "You lied to me!" "Uh... no I didn't, this was just an impulse buy." "You said you were going to subway. You didn't say anything about 7-eleven. You lied to me!"

Yeah been there done that. Everything is verbatim with them and they have near zero ability to see the grey inbetween... or maybe the way they communicate makes it seem like they don't see the grey. I have a few ESTJ friends and none of them act this way with me. I think it has to do with relationships requiring trust. Yeah its frustrating as hell. I yelled at my boss "I AM NOT A LIAR" and slammed my fist on the table because she was giving me this same treatment. Got fired shortly afterward... /end rant.


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## Persephone

pinkrasputin said:


> Keep in mind that the OP is 5'0".
> 
> A common reason why metabolism may slow down at 40 is due to a decrease in activity level and loss of muscle so you burn less calories. Both of those things can be controlled. And you do need to start incorporating some weight training when you start to get closer to 40.
> 
> I'm 41 and have had a child. I also teach aerobics and am an ultra marathoner. I lead a very active lifestyle and I'm committed to staying in shape. My best friends and dear colleagues are mothers with the same amount of children and look fantastic. Their muscle/fat ratio is superb. Just because a person is 40 or has had kids is not an *excuse*. That's an insult, btw. That doesn't mean you have to give up. I look way better now than I did in my 20s. Many, many people are like this.
> 
> Plus, the OP admitted why she wasn't succeeding. She couldn't stick to it. But the reality is that it's not impossible to be your ideal weight at 40, 50, or 60, no matter how many kids you have. My ass gets beaten all the time in races by people who are way older than me. I know a 65 year old man who ran Western States 100 miler last weekend. The whole metabolism thing, I don't buy. First do what you can that is within your power, then complain. But like I've said, the OP already said she can't stick to it.
> 
> How do you know her husband isn't worried about her health? How do you know his motivations at all? We don't know much other than what the OP states about her husband. We don't even know what _she_ tells her husband. Therefore, I can only give recommendations based on what's within _her_ control. Whenever there is an issue in a marriage, you really can't change someone else. It's better to start thinking what can _you_ offer instead of expecting your partner to give or change.
> 
> Having kids and being 40 is not a valid reason for anyone to remain a defeatist about losing weight. There are just too many successful stories out there and people who overcome and who I help support on their journey to achieve their ideal body.
> 
> The OP has posted this same thread in the ENFP forum. There, I gave her some lengthy advice on what to do regarding her weight. Those *excuses* she's given are poor ones and they will only stand in her way. Perhaps her husbands sees that too?
> 
> Main thing is, you can't control someone else. She can only control herself. And I seriously doubt her ESTJ husband is overlooking her health. I don't think that is the case at all.
> 
> And I agree with you that this has nothing to do with type. Nor should special *allowances* be made. I'm an ENFP just like the OP, and I can barely relate to the *excuses*. Plus, she is perpetuating myths that have the potential to be damaging to others.


We don't need special "allowances". As far as most are concerned we don't need to have a toned body or be a specific weight to be a valid human being. She can be whatever she likes, and you can be whatever you like, only don't impose your standards or be unsympathetic because you overcame a lot to be where you are. Maybe she truly discovered she hates doing this and that it's ok to be a little overweight. Like I said, it's unreasonable to expect my boyfriend to read theoretical physics if he dislikes it (or cannot endure it) enough to keep it up, and if working out and losing weight is making her miserable then you should stop condemning her for not finding it in herself to do it. Maybe it's important to you to "look good" in your 40s despite it being harder, but being fit like you (an ultra marathoner? I used to think I was good runner because I run 4 miles a day). ADHD makes my studies _much_ harder, but that didn't stop me from making a 3.9 GPA (4.0 in Mathematics) in a top college because getting on Dean's List, making _magna cum laude_ etc. is important to me. Yet I see ADHD'ers everyday who make a GPA under 3.0 because they don't care, or are not as intelligent as I. Either way, all power to them. Being fit is good for you, but not being fit is not a crime, so stop speaking in terms of excuses.

You say: I want to be fit THIS much. It is _this_ difficult, so I'll work hard to be this fit. Maybe she thinks: I want to be fit a little, but it is _this_ difficult (italics represent the extent to which it is difficult). Maybe I don't want to do this. Maybe she just doesn't care nearly as much as you.

Whatever her reasons are, speaking in terms of "excuses" only goes to show that you're judging her for her own choices, ability, or the lack of it. She doesn't need a _valid reason_ to be the way she is because there's nothing cosmically wrong about being unfit. And as for her husband's motivations, I admitted that we don't know the whole story. Maybe he cares about her health, but it seems that, at least according to her, it's more about her beauty than anything else. I'm only judging as far as I can see. And as for one spouse changing for another, she isn't the only one who needs to change. If you look at her BMI, she is a little overweight, but just a little above normal range. Hardly obese. He has expectations that are very high and if she were obese, I would be more sympathetic.

I think the suggestion that her husband encourages her is excellent for losing weight, but I would only hope he does it in a sensible, healthy and supportive manner, and not just because he wants a pretty wife.


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## MegaTuxRacer

Okay so I think people are missing the point of this thread. The OP has been clear that she didn't post this thread to hear about how much of a shallow asshole her husband is or anything of the sort. She wants to understand her husband better and learn some tools to better help her in keeping her promise. She has already said that he has been more empathetic to her situation, but at the same time, there is no denying that she made a promise to her husband. However, nowhere was that promise that she would remain at 117 pounds. The promise was to remain fit so that he can have a cute wife. He may very well mean that he wants her to stay healthy. It may just be that looks are important to him in a relationship. Some people simply place looks at a very important place. That doesn't mean that he doesn't love her for other reasons, and I think that is the case here.

Given that it has already been established what the ESTJ mindset is, we can move forward in order to help cultivate a sense of purpose towards achieving her goals. Remember that this is her life; not ours.


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## Persephone

She also wants a compromise:



> I'm curious what other ESTJs think about this and *if we can come to some sort of a compromise*? I was 117 when we met and I'm 130 now.


And I've been advocating that. I don't think she needs to go back to a specific number, nor should he insist on one. If he cares about her health, then simply being fit is good enough (and in my mind, that is a good _compromise_. Incidentally, being fit also improves your complexion and tends to slim you down, so the number on the scale is only one part of the story and shouldn't be the focal point), and it doesn't take _that _much to be fit. It's not just exercise. It's lifestyle and diet as well. It's actually amazing how fast you become more fit just as soon as you mix in about 30 minutes of exercise everyday, adequate sleep and a more balanced diet (that means cutting out high sugar and high fat food, eating more fruits and vegetables, etc. I find that the average American has surprisingly little concept about what foods are good for you and consume way too much sugar and fat. The average American, after all, consumes 3 times as much cheese annually as 30 years ago).

Even on the days I don't exercise, I walk everywhere around campus and forgo bikes. Going to the supermarket takes half an hour- what a wonderful opportunity. Being fit is not only for the superhumans. In fact, it's quite easy.


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## iBleedink

Wow. I was actually listening to the radio about something like this and I feel that in relationships people change and we can't always expect people just be ok with certain changes -- especially weight because men are very visual. Because he stated that weight was a stipulation of his, maybe he feels that you are not trying. I can't say it's easy to lose weight but if you really wanted to, you could. By that same token, since this was his stipulation, he needs to help you in this regard - working out with you, watching the kids as you go to the gym...and not think of it as, "oh, this is her issue and she needs to get it done pronto"

The radio host gave an example of how similar to this would be a woman marrying a man with a well-paid job and then he lost his job but was not trying with real effort to look for another one. This man is not the same as the one you married. Big changes like this (and weight) don't just affect the way you look or the lifestyle you lead, they affect you as a person -- your self-confidence, your energy level, regret/resentment, your relationship as a whole. So I think he's not just looking at the extra weight (unless he's a total ass wipe) but he's trying to avoid a shift in the relationship because he signed up for one thing and is getting another.


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## CrabbyPaws

This is a strange situation for me. My instincts tell me in the beginning to feel offended and wonder how he can be so superficial, but after taking time and reading other people who are this type or understand this type, I can understand now that it is actually about keeping your word. In fact I have been in this exact situation and I have not been happy with my boyfriend even though it is only "10 pounds" or something, not because of the actual fact of the weight, but simply because he was not keeping a promise. I thought to myself "if he can't keep something as small as this, how can I trust him and lean on him when I really need it?". It seems very superficial on the surface, in fact it is very respectable even if it is sometimes brutal. I can appreciate someone who holds onto their morals.

At the same time, I think it is not only your job to understand him. Try to work with him in a way he understands, so that he can understand you. Like others have said, tell him simply you are sorry and that you have failed to keep your promise, he wants honesty, give him nothing less. But this will also give him a chance to calm down and listen to you since you are not trying to sugar coat things, and you can then try to explain your feelings and how you see it. It's not a matter of just stating each point of view, this will allow you both to come to an understanding you can both agree to. While I can see where he is coming from, what is done is done, and he must not be too rigid, but you must also give him that logical reason he needs to bend. And for him, this mostly comes from the correlation of your words and actions, I feel that no matter what you did, as long as your words matched what you were doing, he would be more supportive and loving. It still takes both though.

What I am quite perked up by is the fact that, as others have mentioned, you have had many children. If he is not aware what kind of sacrifice this takes, and what a huge amount of change this causes to a woman's body, then he must seriously and quickly be informed. Not as an excuse, but as the logical fact he thrives on. It is common sense, and he cannot expect perfect yummy mummies like you see in hollywood. Well, to me a perfect yummy mummy is a happy healthy yummy mummy. In this case, if you do want to follow through with something, I feel you should discuss with him a new goal. Not to lose weight, but to be healthy. Eat healthy, exercise a few times a week, and have a treat once a week. And do not think about the scale at all. This would be much easier, I think, because it is something you know has actual health and mental benefits for you, and is not focused on the superficial aspect of looking 'good'.


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## BooMonster

My 2 cents - this has been a fascinating thread (along with the thread in posted in the ENFP forum).  

Found the differing views of people playing out really fascinating, and how I revised my opinions in light of new information, particularly from @_WickedQueen_ who made me rethink the issues. Lol. Damn, I appreciate differences! Thanks!


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## Nickel

@pinkrasputin
You rock. That is all.


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## Monkey King

My mom is an ESTJ. She's complained about how people are fickle with their words and that people should never promise anything they can't deliver. It is never about the actual item that she frets over but how the promise was broken. Trust is a very important issue with her because it lays the grounding of the relationship between people; it sets the stage of what to expect in the future. For instance, if one cannot keep a simple promise such as weight loss then how will she possible have confidence in more serious promises made? This is how she thinks and I can agree with where she's coming from. 

I believe your only compromise will be to ask him to help you. I believe that's your only win-win situation here. And hey, you get healthy. I would probably also stress not the number but the overall health level instead. Body fat percentage instead of weight.


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