# Feel like cutting off contact with my friends



## b_h (Jun 26, 2013)

In my group of friends who I graduated high school with, I play video games with them, go out to eat, watch movies, and snowboard. I've become too much of a coward/harmony-loving person to provoke them and tell them what I really think and feel.

So there's these 2 that have been bugging me for a long time. I'm kind of fed up of always having to have meaningless arguments with the first guy who's a 4th year Law major. He'll find something to argue about in our group discussions and we're all kind of forced to take part in "convincing him" the facts and whatnot. It's so stressful and unenjoyable for me to have to deal with this almost every time we eat out or finish watching a movie. Since we both play some very different games, he likes to bash on my choice of games and won't listen to any rational reasoning when I point out his hypocrisy in his own choice of games. He'll flat out just find more "evidence" to back his flawed reasoning. It's tiresome and a waste of time trying to talk sense into him.

The "boss-man" in the group who usually plans and organizes everything was someone I felt more comfortable telling my secrets to when it was just the two of us. However, not long after I told those secrets he would talk about it casually to the rest of the group like it's nothing to him; sometimes behind my back. This totally breaks my trust in him and the group because to me, trust and respect is something that is hard to earn. Although I'm the outsider who joined this group of friends, I can't do or say much because if I step up to talk about my gripes with them, I'll fear being ostracized and having my reputation ruined in the future. (I'm an amateur music producer)

I used to think that having a small group of friends close to me would help me mature and be a better me. But what good will they do if they only drag me down mentally? It's not the first time I've "hopped around" social circles. But this time I feel that if I stay any longer with them I'll just be dragged in a downwards spiral with no room for future improvement.

How would you guys deal with this situation?


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## Hollow Man (Aug 12, 2011)

Hmmm...this is an interesting situation, it's very relatable to me because now I have a friend who is a lot like your boss type friend who does the same exact thing with a group of friends that I have now. I can tell he spreads things I share with him to other people who I didn't directly communicate to the other people. It's an interesting thing. 

I think it's probably not a good thing to cut off your friends cold turkey completely. It seems like they bring you down though. I would suggest planning other activities of your own personal growth in place of spending time doing the same thing you've been doing with your friends. What this new activity is is up to you. It could be hanging with new people who have more similar goals to you. It could you exploring what you'd like to do more of alone even. You can say you are busy and just basically cut down the time you spend with your friends.

It's difficult and not right to try to change your friends. It's probably a good thing to be more assertive with your law school friend. Maybe finding some kind of subjective grounds that help you justify your tastes in games. Also, with your other friend limiting what you share with him, and saying, "I don't feel like telling you that." or just consciously not sharing as much. It's also important to value your friends for who they are, but at the same time valuing what you do the spend your time and what you'd like to do. They're probably decent guys all in all to have around.


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## cremefraiche (Jul 9, 2014)

I don't see what's wrong with bringing up your gripes with them. If the law guy can be so gripy, you should be able to be so, too. 

But if after that, they keep bumming you out, spilling your secrets and gossiping about you, I'd peace out. Personally I wouldn't be able to be around people like that.

Then again I can be quick to drop people who act like that with me, as nicely/quietly as I can.


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## b_h (Jun 26, 2013)

@Slogo Thanks for your reply. I suppose you're right that it's bad to change friends, but at the same time none of them share the same hobbies as my music production. It's getting more frustrating trying to participate in their "discussions" these days.

@cremefraiche Yeah I've tried bringing the topic up a few times about the law friend and the boss-man just straight up defended whatever he said. They're childhood friends and I basically stand no chance to even reason with them. It's just these two friends that are troublesome to me. The rest I can easily get along with playing the same games with no qualms and joking around when eating together. I'm on the fence right now though.


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## Solrac026 (Mar 6, 2012)

If they are really good friends, then there's no reason not tell them how you feel. If they choose not to respect your feelings, then you have to drop them down to acquaintances. It sucks, but people change, and that usually means you might need a new set of friends.


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## cremefraiche (Jul 9, 2014)

It's hard entering into a friendship where two of them have been best friends since childhood. I tried that in college with my roommates and no matter how close I got to them individually, when we were all together I was constantly third-wheeled. Since they were close they also apparently enjoyed gossiping about me (even making things up for the sake of bitching to the other), as I learned a couple years after I left them.

We planned a birthday party for each of them, but when mine came around, they both went out of the state to celebrate one of their birthdays (which was more than a week before mine) and only sent me a text at the end of the night, close to my birthday being over.

Point is, I learned I shouldn't be with people who weren't great about including me and didn't really even relate to me in the first place. As you said earlier, if they are bad about including you and they don't really share your hobbies anyway, it would be OK to change your friends. There are lots of music producers who would love to have you around. :happy:


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## theflame (Apr 12, 2014)

I have cut contacts with anyone who ever puts me and my choices down for hobbies, etc. The group of friends I have now all support my writing and my book that's going to be out. I don't have the tolerance anymore for friends like yours that I used to deal with. That's what you should do: cut contacts. I'd rather be alone than be with people who are always criticizing what I do.


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## Sangmu (Feb 18, 2014)

Cut em' loose.

My biggest youthful regret (and I'm twenty-five, so still kinda youth) is wasting time with the obnoxious, backstabbing shitheads that I liked to call my friends. It wasted my time and my sacred emotional reservoir. It doesn't lead anywhere. It doesn't get better. I assure you.

Get comfortable functioning alone and strive to make new connections. Be decisive when getting to know people and more self-serving. Not in a narcissistic way but in a "needs being met" way. You'll be a self-realized adult ahead of your time.

And by the way, when you do leave, try not to be astonished when certain individuals from your old peer group try fuck you over every opportunity they get. Ignore it. Don't even look back.


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## Belladonne (Mar 22, 2014)

WhateverLolaWants said:


> Cut em' loose.
> 
> My biggest youthful regret (and I'm twenty-five, so still kinda youth) is wasting time with the obnoxious, backstabbing shitheads that I liked to call my friends. It wasted my time and my sacred emotional reservoir. It doesn't lead anywhere. It doesn't get better. I assure you.
> 
> ...


^ Quite possibly one of the best posts I've ever read on the Internet. All the hat-tips and kudos.


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## Sangmu (Feb 18, 2014)

Another piece of advice is, take what you have learned from these people (how to be a shitty friend) and resolve to treat your next pal with a lot of respect. Respect that you weren't shown.

When you leave relationships of convenience (co-dependent, dysfunctional, invalidating, limiting) it's easy take a certain lazy and self-centered attitude into your more adult ones. I'm not saying you have that attitude, but I certainly did to some degree. It's difficult to shake off because, due to the way education is set up, people get a false sense that it wil always be really easy to make friends or that friendship is "putting up each other's bullshit".


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## Sangmu (Feb 18, 2014)

@LovesThinking 

Thanks man. Jenga.


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## loving2011 (Nov 6, 2012)

I don't think cutting ties is wrong. It's taking care of yourself. Why continue to endure what no longer serves you? I would say distance yourself, without confronting them. I know that I've suddenly felt more calm, relaxed and positive when I'm no longer around the wrong people that don't fit my purpose or philosophy. Once you clear the path, you will start attracting the right friends.


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## b_h (Jun 26, 2013)

@loving2011 @WhateverLolaWants @thelostxin
Wow, I am so grateful to read each and every one of your responses! It feels assuring that I'm not the only one who's had to deal with this sort of situation. I'll look towards the future and hopefully find the group of friends I'm looking for.


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## loving2011 (Nov 6, 2012)

Good for you. And be content with being alone. Nothing better than pursuing your passion. Like minded people will come to you.


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## owlhead (Aug 12, 2012)

Get busy. 
This way you won't hang out with them and you'll slowly lose contact.


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