# Feel like I was taken advantage of when I was drunk - don't really know what to do



## 6007 (Feb 12, 2010)

anathema_9 said:


> So, I went and talked to him.
> 
> As expected, he changed aspects of his story, even firstly professing that he 'doesn't remember much about it' because it was around 'a month ago.' "do you know the exact time, like 27 days 4 hours 22 minutes 13 seconds?" he asked, I suppose trying to be tongue-in-cheek, but it just made me angry.
> 
> ...


sounds like he knows he is a rapist. 
Oh and a liar. 
Awesome.


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## anathema_9 (Dec 1, 2016)

ripley said:


> sounds like he knows he is a rapist.
> Oh and a liar.
> Awesome.


Yeah. 

I like the little tips he gave me - "don't go to clubs, don't leave your friends." I.e, 'how to avoid people like me'.


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## 6007 (Feb 12, 2010)

anathema_9 said:


> Yeah.
> 
> I like the little tips he gave me - "don't go to clubs, don't leave your friends." I.e, 'how to avoid people like me'.


What a great guy. Super caring. Bet his mom would LOVE a phone call from you.


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## camous (Jul 12, 2015)

Oh boy I am really sorry that this happened to you. It is quite clear that even though you might have given consent in regards to kissing, you didn't give consent and apparently even try to leave, so if he stopped you and took advantage it sounds like sexual assault. But even if you remove the legal aspect of it, I wonder what kind of person has to prey on drunk people to get laid? Like seriously? I understand tipsy sex when both people are drunk and things just happen but come one when someone is literally passed out, how can one think it's ok to have sex? Like seriously??? And he can't even be accountable for what he did, what a coward liar. Disgusting


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## Aridela (Mar 14, 2015)

anathema_9 said:


> Codependency? My line of reasoning is that I can approach the conversation with more conviction and a better defence this time - I'm not as liable to be manipulated by him, given that I now know more about the situation and have had some time to get my head round it.


I have to agree that you should not get in contact with this man again. 

If you decide to prosecute it will give leverage to his lawyer to try and discredit you (I have been a key witness in a rape case some years back and seen it happen). 

Even if the man had good intentions to begin with what he did was to sexually assault you without your consent. If you want to know whether penetration did happen, you should arrange for a medical examination. It can be quite traumatic and I would advice to have a friend or your mother etc with you. 

It is tempting to try and explain away the whole situation but it's likely it will come back and haunt you if you do. It seems to me you're trying to minimise the damage by not fully accepting that this was indeed rape. At least if you accept to yourself, you give yourself permission to be upset and angry.


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## anathema_9 (Dec 1, 2016)

camous said:


> Oh boy I am really sorry that this happened to you. It is quite clear that even though you might have given consent in regards to kissing, you didn't give consent and apparently even try to leave, so if he stopped you and took advantage it sounds like sexual assault. But even if you remove the legal aspect of it, I wonder what kind of person has to prey on drunk people to get laid? Like seriously? I understand tipsy sex when both people are drunk and things just happen but come one when someone is literally passed out, how can one think it's ok to have sex? Like seriously??? And he can't even be accountable for what he did, what a coward liar. Disgusting


Supposedly he has sex a lot...well, if he hadn't had it in '2-3 weeks' I guess he was getting pretty desperate  who knows, he said he's never done anything like that before, and nor will he again, so I hope so. And no, I agree, it seems like he was trying to dissociate himself from the act. 



Aridela said:


> I have to agree that you should not get in contact with this man again.
> 
> If you decide to prosecute it will give leverage to his lawyer to try and discredit you (I have been a key witness in a rape case some years back and seen it happen).
> 
> ...


I ended up getting in contact with him again, but I am absolutely certain that that's the last time I'll ever speak to him again. 

i wasn't aware of that, hmm...but I'm also certain that I probably won't prosecute him. 

I know that penetration did happen, because I remember a little bit of it; I only remember a few seconds of it though, whereas he said it went on for around 'ten minutes'. 

I think I'm beginning to accept that it was a bad thing that happened, and was legally rape. It's difficult for me to think of him as a rapist and me as someone who was rape...perhaps that will change with time?


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## 6007 (Feb 12, 2010)

I think mimimizing it is a normal process of grief. 
I seriously suggest getting help if you want or need it. 
I got in an LTR seven months after my sexual assault and married the guy, and he was not a good life partner choice. What you need post sexual assault and for life are not the same things. Get help. Talk to a therapist or life coach or support group. Dont repress and deny, it just keeps you in trauma. I did alright considering I was blamed immediately by the person I told first, and having zero support and bottoming out for three months. I ate everything in sight and gained about forty or fifty pounds in two months. I pulled away from everyone. 

Healing is your opportunity to shape your life to your design, a little wiser and more empowered, but it is a process and journey. Ideally you do not want to cause more trauma whilst you heal from one trauma. Be gentle, take your time, and do what makes you feel safe and empowered. Self defense classes, caring friendships, hobbies, school, fitness whatever, traumatic events like these are a wake up call. some people get assaulted and become junkies and life long victims. You do not seem the type. But you need support from people who actually give a shit about you. So if your friends are not being supportive, you need new ones.


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## sometimes (Dec 26, 2013)

anathema_9 said:


> that is my worst fear, that he has the same idea and does it to someone else. would it be wise to speak to him again and make it absolutely clear to him that it was wrong, that I feel wronged, and that it's essential that he never does it again?


Didn't you say that you already witnessed him since trying to take your friend off when she was drunk? Added to everything you've written about him and what he's said, even before you updated with how he responded to you talking to him about it, I'd say there's a high chance he will do it again to someone else. He already knew it was wrong. That obviously didn't stop him. It's a very clear cut case.


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## anathema_9 (Dec 1, 2016)

ripley said:


> I think mimimizing it is a normal process of grief.
> I seriously suggest getting help if you want or need it.
> I got in an LTR seven months after my sexual assault and married the guy, and he was not a good life partner choice. What you need post sexual assault and for life are not the same things. Get help. Talk to a therapist or life coach or support group. Dont repress and deny, it just keeps you in trauma. I did alright considering I was blamed immediately by the person I told first, and having zero support and bottoming out for three months. I ate everything in sight and gained about forty or fifty pounds in two months. I pulled away from everyone.
> 
> Healing is your opportunity to shape your life to your design, a little wiser and more empowered, but it is a process and journey. Ideally you do not want to cause more trauma whilst you heal from one trauma. Be gentle, take your time, and do what makes you feel safe and empowered. Self defense classes, caring friendships, hobbies, school, fitness whatever, traumatic events like these are a wake up call. some people get assaulted and become junkies and life long victims. You do not seem the type. But you need support from people who actually give a shit about you. So if your friends are not being supportive, you need new ones.


I have an appointment with the university's counsellor next week - I think you're right, it is likely to be the best thing to help me. 

My friends are brilliant, and definitely supportive - I feel like I can rely on them whenever. 

Again, I'm very sorry that you were blamed for what happened, and I hope you're in a much better place now.



sometimes said:


> Didn't you say that you already witnessed him since trying to take your friend off when she was drunk? Added to everything you've written about him and what he's said, even before you updated with how he responded to you talking to him about it, I'd say there's a high chance he will do it again to someone else. He already knew it was wrong. That obviously didn't stop him. It's a very clear cut case.


I didn't witness it personally, a friend just told me about it - she was sure it was definitely him as well, as she'd seen him before. 

I can't tell whether he genuinely feels guilty, or whether he's just shitting himself because he thinks there's a chance I could still report him. But if that was the case, why would he tell the truth?


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## 6007 (Feb 12, 2010)

anathema_9 said:


> I have an appointment with the university's counsellor next week - I think you're right, it is likely to be the best thing to help me.
> 
> My friends are brilliant, and definitely supportive - I feel like I can rely on them whenever.
> 
> ...


He would tell you the truth to confuse and manipulate you.
People who RAPE are not normal people. This is not a "whoops sorry" thing. You don't see a girl stumbling away half naked and think "what she needs is a good fucking" unless you are INSANE.

I am very glad you have supportive friends. A counsellor is a brilliant idea. I was not smart enough to think about it back then. This sucks that it happened to you, but I feel confident you will handle it better than I did. You already display encouraging attitudes and intelligence, and that is needed for healing. 

Understand that you do not have to fix broken messed up people, but know they exist. They wear masks as friendly people, but they are monsters. You do not have to doubt every stranger you meet, as most are harmless. But you want to watch those around you when you are vulnerable--those who are attracted to vulnerability are typically exploitative. This means you cannot be completely shit faced with other people around unless you know them very well. This means being careful who you confide in an lean on when you are depressed or emotionally wounded. Trust your gut, not their words. Words lie. Your body never does.


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## camous (Jul 12, 2015)

As a survivor of abuse I understand that considering it rape can be really difficult because there is a very negative rethoric about victims: they are broken, damaged goods and they asked for it right (and actually you can see this in some of the comments, like victim shaming seriously? buy yourself some empathy and get down of your high horse). 
I was in denial for YEARS, because when this happened I was a child and when i dared to speak up i was literally silenced by my mom that made me understand that it was her fault and oh well her own comfort came first. I also didn't want the victim label. But actually now I realize that recognized I was (and not I am) a victim is empowering because I can recognize how what I experienced was wrong and shouldn't have happened. 
If you feel something is wrong then it is, and this guy as no excuse and I am sorry but using someone's drunkness as an excuse is gross, like get a 101 consent class dude! It just shows he has no respect! I mean, I have had friends coming onto my while drunk and even if they were attractive, I was like, I don't want to do this right now, in these circumstances because who is speaking the alcohol or the person? If they really want it well they will also want it sober? 

On another note I do encourage you, like others, to talk to someone and seek support, honestly the sooner you deal with it the better it is! I denied it for a decade and no it's exploding in my face and I have also to deal with the trauma and how its complicated my life and I don't wish that to anyone. You can't change the past but you can act right now to get better!


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## Peter (Feb 27, 2010)

MeltedSorbet said:


> I think I see where you are coming from, but I have to disagree.
> 
> 
> I think the problem with this is that when someone is not in a state of mind to consent, then that's not consent. Drunk driving is a separate issue--it's not about whether or not they would normally consent to running someone over, but whether or not they are endangering other people by operating a vehicle while intoxicated...a problematic behavior that's not related to OP.
> ...


Yes, that makes sense. But I think it's not a plain rape situation. She did say she performed oral sex on him. That isn't something someone would be able to do if they´re completely out of it. Besides that, I think she's much better of considering this a stupid mistake than thinking this guy forced her into sex. He claims that she started kissing him. Ofcourse you can argue that he should have been the "responsible" one but he too had some drinks so his ability to judge a situation correctly was also impaired. (If alcohol can be her excuse, it can also be his excuse.) If he would have been as drunk as her, no sex would have happened obviously :smile: But he had just a few. But you can't argue that that's not enough for his judgement to be too cloudy. If you drink 1 or 2 bears, you can already cause a car accident. He was legally not allowed to drive. So to judge him as completely rational is already not an option.

The best conclusion is to just consider this a stupid mistake to learn something from. And that is to not get so drunk you can't remember the night before in enough detail to know what really happened.

But most people at some point in their live get that drunk and everyone gets out of that thinking: "I'm never going to do that again." Most people don't, some people don't learn from their mistakes that quickly and make the same mistake again. But it seems to me that in this case, she'll never get that drunk again.

I'm not trying to defend this guy by the way. I'm trying to judge the situation for what it was, without a bias to just blame the guy because that's the political correct way to go. I'm also not trying to say it's completely her fault either. I think this is just one of those situations where you can't really point at a guilty side. It's just one of those things that shouldn't happen, but it happened. Best way to deal with it in my opinion is for both to be like: "I'm not going to do this ever again." In her case that means, don't drink so much you can't remember much of what happened. And in his case it means: Don't have sex with someone that's too drunk to remember what happened a day later.


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## 6007 (Feb 12, 2010)

Peter said:


> Yes, that makes sense. But I think it's not a plain rape situation. She did say she performed oral sex on him. That isn't something someone would be able to do if they´re completely out of it. Besides that, I think she's much better of considering this a stupid mistake than thinking this guy forced her into sex. He claims that she started kissing him. Ofcourse you can argue that he should have been the "responsible" one but he too had some drinks so his ability to judge a situation correctly was also impaired. (If alcohol can be her excuse, it can also be his excuse.) If he would have been as drunk as her, no sex would have happened obviously :smile: But he had just a few. But you can't argue that that's not enough for his judgement to be too cloudy. If you drink 1 or 2 bears, you can already cause a car accident. He was legally not allowed to drive. So to judge him as completely rational is already not an option.
> 
> The best conclusion is to just consider this a stupid mistake to learn something from. And that is to not get so drunk you can't remember the night before in enough detail to know what really happened.
> 
> ...


oh good the mansplainers have arrived. Yay we get to minimize the situation again because this person doesnt think it is a big deal WHEN IT IS.

Next time you are super drunk, I hope someone puts a dick in your mouth too. Because that means it is consensual oral sex.


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## anathema_9 (Dec 1, 2016)

ripley said:


> He would tell you the truth to confuse and manipulate you.
> People who RAPE are not normal people. This is not a "whoops sorry" thing. You don't see a girl stumbling away half naked and think "what she needs is a good fucking" unless you are INSANE.
> 
> I am very glad you have supportive friends. A counsellor is a brilliant idea. I was not smart enough to think about it back then. This sucks that it happened to you, but I feel confident you will handle it better than I did. You already display encouraging attitudes and intelligence, and that is needed for healing.
> ...


Well, supposedly I tried to leave half-naked *after* we had sex. So I guess I was confused, but it's not like I stumbled away and he tried to pull me back. 

Thank you <3 I appreciate it. 



camous said:


> As a survivor of abuse I understand that considering it rape can be really difficult because there is a very negative rethoric about victims: they are broken, damaged goods and they asked for it right (and actually you can see this in some of the comments, like victim shaming seriously? buy yourself some empathy and get down of your high horse).
> I was in denial for YEARS, because when this happened I was a child and when i dared to speak up i was literally silenced by my mom that made me understand that it was her fault and oh well her own comfort came first. I also didn't want the victim label. But actually now I realize that recognized I was (and not I am) a victim is empowering because I can recognize how what I experienced was wrong and shouldn't have happened.
> If you feel something is wrong then it is, and this guy as no excuse and I am sorry but using someone's drunkness as an excuse is gross, like get a 101 consent class dude! It just shows he has no respect! I mean, I have had friends coming onto my while drunk and even if they were attractive, I was like, I don't want to do this right now, in these circumstances because who is speaking the alcohol or the person? If they really want it well they will also want it sober?
> 
> On another note I do encourage you, like others, to talk to someone and seek support, honestly the sooner you deal with it the better it is! I denied it for a decade and no it's exploding in my face and I have also to deal with the trauma and how its complicated my life and I don't wish that to anyone. You can't change the past but you can act right now to get better!


<3



Peter said:


> Yes, that makes sense. But I think it's not a plain rape situation. She did say she performed oral sex on him. That isn't something someone would be able to do if they´re completely out of it. Besides that, I think she's much better of considering this a stupid mistake than thinking this guy forced her into sex. He claims that she started kissing him. Ofcourse you can argue that he should have been the "responsible" one but he too had some drinks so his ability to judge a situation correctly was also impaired. (If alcohol can be her excuse, it can also be his excuse.) If he would have been as drunk as her, no sex would have happened obviously :smile: But he had just a few. But you can't argue that that's not enough for his judgement to be too cloudy. If you drink 1 or 2 bears, you can already cause a car accident. He was legally not allowed to drive. So to judge him as completely rational is already not an option.
> 
> The best conclusion is to just consider this a stupid mistake to learn something from. And that is to not get so drunk you can't remember the night before in enough detail to know what really happened.
> 
> ...


The oral sex thing is a good point. That's what I was wondering as well. But to be fair, I don't remember doing it or consenting to it...

He said he had had a beer and a half, but he said he wasn't feeling drunk at all...idk, it's over the legal limit, but even three cans wouldn't have much of an effect on me. I suppose it could have impaired his judgement, so I shouldn't be too harsh. (or should i?)

Definitely never getting that drunk again, aha. I've accepted that I need to be more responsible in the future; I think he has accepted that fucking someone that drunk is wrong (well, at least I hope he has.) 

Still. Strange times.


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## camous (Jul 12, 2015)

Peter said:


> Yes, that makes sense. But I think it's not a plain rape situation. She did say she performed oral sex on him. That isn't something someone would be able to do if they´re completely out of it. Besides that, I think she's much better of considering this a stupid mistake than thinking this guy forced her into sex. He claims that she started kissing him. Ofcourse you can argue that he should have been the "responsible" one but he too had some drinks so his ability to judge a situation correctly was also impaired. (If alcohol can be her excuse, it can also be his excuse.) If he would have been as drunk as her, no sex would have happened obviously :smile: But he had just a few. But you can't argue that that's not enough for his judgement to be too cloudy. If you drink 1 or 2 bears, you can already cause a car accident. He was legally not allowed to drive. So to judge him as completely rational is already not an option.
> 
> The best conclusion is to just consider this a stupid mistake to learn something from. And that is to not get so drunk you can't remember the night before in enough detail to know what really happened.
> 
> ...


Dude it has nothing to do with political correctness to call out the guy for what he did. Have you any idea of how often women who are in such situations are constantly blamed, because oh accusing someone who is "maybe" innocent could "ruin his life". Well i don't care if his life is ruined, I agree that drinking might impair your judgement but in other post the OP mentioned he apparently also tried to prey on other drunk girls, what do you do of that? Because I am sorry but a man who wait for girls to be wasted to make a move that's not just a douchey move it's fucking dangerous and predatory. Seriously why is the concept of consent so complicated? You talk about political correctness? Well to me the easy road is to blame the victims because well it's easier right... I am really fed up with such rethoric, really fed up that as women we have to put with a LOT of BS coming from men and then are blame for it.


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## Falling Foxes (Oct 19, 2016)

I haven't read through all the pages so if I'm just repeating what others are saying: I'm sorry, but at least you know more people think this way if that is the case?

I've seen that people have already shown you the legal terms of consent and how the state you were in was quite clearly not one that would pass for consent. There is absolutely no doubt that he took advantage of you. Helping someone throw up because they are too drunk is well beyond the questionable line of too much alcohol.

I think something important to really push here (of course only if you are comfortable) is make sure that he absolutely understood how abhorrent what he did was. I don't know how comfortable you are around this man right now. I would suggest distancing yourself from him at least for now. Either this guy is a good guy who did something awful and needs to learn from his mistake or he's someone much more sinister that you do not want in your life. Either way, he's not boyfriend material. You might not want to distance yourself from him but I really don't want you to regret that decision later and end up in a situation with him later that you can't get out of. You say you _think_ he understands and feels remorseful. I think something awful that could come out of this is that he does the same thing again either with you or another girl. I would want to be sure.

Of course if you don't think you could address this with him talk to your friends to help you, either to tell him for you or to be there with you if you do or at the very least to protect you from him or others when/if you do get drunk.

You're a student, I'm guessing most of these people you have only just met and most of your social interactions with them are including alcohol... You might think you know a person but you'd be surprised how easily you don't. I made that mistake.


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## Peter (Feb 27, 2010)

camous said:


> Dude it has nothing to do with political correctness to call out the guy for what he did. Have you any idea of how often women who are in such situations are constantly blamed, because oh accusing someone who is "maybe" innocent could "ruin his life". Well i don't care if his life is ruined, I agree that drinking might impair your judgement but in other post the OP mentioned he apparently also tried to prey on other drunk girls, what do you do of that? Because I am sorry but a man who wait for girls to be wasted to make a move that's not just a douchey move it's fucking dangerous and predatory. Seriously why is the concept of consent so complicated? You talk about political correctness? Well to me the easy road is to blame the victims because well it's easier right... I am really fed up with such rethoric, really fed up that as women we have to put with a LOT of BS coming from men and then are blame for it.


This is what I mean. Because of people like you I shouldn't even have written anything. You just assume I am defending this guy while I even stated that I am not.

And I haven't read the post where she says that this guy is doing this on other drunk girls as well. I responded to her first post in which she didn't mention that.

Ofcourse this guy is bad if he does this on purpose. But still, she's better of concluding that she made a mistake than to put herself in the victim position and having to feel like a victim for the rest of her life. I'm not saying this for the sake of that guy. If this is something he does on purpose, he needs to be beaten up good with the guarantee that if he does this again, next time he'll be in the hospital.

But that doesn't change the fact that she shouldn't get that drunk. Regardless of what happened, getting that drunk is always a bad idea.


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## Peter (Feb 27, 2010)

anathema_9 said:


> Well, supposedly I tried to leave half-naked *after* we had sex. So I guess I was confused, but it's not like I stumbled away and he tried to pull me back.
> 
> Thank you <3 I appreciate it.
> 
> ...


In your mind you can destroy him in every horrible way you can imagine. But considering what you told, don't put yourself in the victim position. If you do that, he wins. I don't think you are doing that, but because of someone that replied to my post, I have to mention this.

In that post that someone also mentioned you wrote in another post (which I didn't read) that this guy does this more often, trying to get drunk girls to go home with him. If that's the case, he's a total asshole of course. But that also means he's a total loser.

Just to be fair,... I find it strange that someone who purposely tries to go after very drunk girls, would choose someone that exists in his life as a friend/colleague/ etc. I'm not a psychologist, but it seems to me that someone who does this as a sexual preditor, would choose girls he doesn't know and that don't know him. This whole story of him trying to bring you home and all doesn't really fit in the context of someone who is experienced at doing this.

Anyway, I hope you can leave this behind you and continue your life normally. I think you'll be just fine, you don't seem traumatized, just confused. I may not have the popular opinion here, but I wouldn't feel good about helping you get traumatized by this experience. Just know that you did nothing wrong, but that getting way too drunk is a bad idea, no matter what. You end up in the "care" of other people when you get that drunk, and even though that in most cases that's someone you can trust, it only has to be one time that it isn't someone you can trust. It doesn't mean that what he did wasn't wrong and it also doesn't mean what happened is your own fault, but prevention is always in your own hands.


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## Falling Foxes (Oct 19, 2016)

@Peter @camous


Can't we just agree that it's best not to get blind drunk but by focusing on her overdrinking it's dangerous as it relieves the pressure of the seriousness that the guy did. They both made mistakes but one of them was significantly more aware of what he was doing at the time. We don't know if this man did this intentionally but it's better to assume he did. Underestimating is even more dangerous.


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## Peter (Feb 27, 2010)

ripley said:


> oh good the mansplainers have arrived. Yay we get to minimize the situation again because this person doesnt think it is a big deal WHEN IT IS.
> 
> Next time you are super drunk, I hope someone puts a dick in your mouth too. Because that means it is consensual oral sex.


You know, you are saying that she should continue to get really drunk and when she gets taken advantage of again, to just blame the guy for taking advantage of her. 

I despise that attitude. Teaching women that they can do what ever they want and when it goes wrong, to blame someone else and just continue doing it. There are bad people in this world. That's just a fact. Just because they shouldn't do what they do, does not mean that you can pretend these things don't happen and do your naive thing again and again until it goes wrong again.

You are so biased you can't even read my post correctly.

What happened to her is horrible, but let's not help her get traumatized by it. Help her deal with it so she can get on with her life. Telling her that she's a saint and that that guy is the devil is not the right way to help her. I prefer to show her that this guy is a loser and that she can prevent this from happening again to her.

I don't know, maybe I'm too pragmatic. She should get all the help she needs. But to be honest, this thread isn't the right place to get help. She's much better of talking to a professional. A couple of sessions talking to a psychiatrist is a better way. They are much better at helping her deal with this emotionally than you or I ever can.

Just don't get all that angry. If you can't handle a thread like this, you shouldn't participate,.. or better, maybe you need to see a professional as well.


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