# Shy Extroverts



## kph5034

> "If I asked you to pick out the shy guy or girl in the room, you'd probably point to the quiet one in the corner looking uncomfortable. And the odds are you'd be right. But there's probably an even shyer person at the centre of that lively bunch at the bar. And that person may be telling the jokes or stories, to entertain his friends.
> 
> 
> Shy people who have an extrovert personality often have to develop ways to get what they want. Ways to cope with their vulnerability and fear so they can be with people.
> 
> 
> For those who think that an extrovert is an out-going person and an introvert is a quiet person, let me give you a more accurate definition. An extrovert is a person who gets energy from being with people. An introvert gets his energy from being alone. That often means the extrovert IS out-going. He has to be out there with people, interacting with them, to charge his batteries.
> 
> 
> The introvert, on the other hand, is quite happy to sit on the side-lines, saying little, because he'll get his batteries charged later, when he's at home watching TV or playing Xbox, on his own. If he's shy, then he doesn't have to stress himself out by getting out there and risking rejection. He may not feel good about himself for being shy, but he does OK.
> 
> 
> On the other hand, the extrovert has to be out there with people or he feels drained and unhappy. Too much time on his own and this guy becomes stressed to the eyeballs. It's not that he feels better about himself when he's centre of the crowd, it's that that's the only place he can lift his spirits.
> 
> 
> But there's a Catch 22 in this for the extrovert. To be centre of attention means you risk drawing negative reactions from people. And the shy person has a very thin skin. It hurts the shy guy a lot more to suffer any sort of rejection than it does a non-shy person. Even a minor slight like someone turning away to talk to someone else, is more painful than the situation warrants.
> 
> 
> Scientists have found that shy people have a very over-active part of the brain: the part that controls our adrenalin. So when a shy person is in a new situation they over-react to that situation. It feels more dangerous than it probably is. Shy people are also more sensitive in other areas of their life too. And they are usually more intelligent and focused than their counterparts. (There are some very big pluses in being naturally shy.)
> 
> 
> I met a guy who was a professional comedian not so long ago. He was an absolute crack-up. People loved him. He found it easy to get women into bed. He seemed to have the perfect life. To everyone else.
> 
> 
> In private, he confided to me that he wanted to get into a committed relationship. He was tired of the 'one night stand' life-style. He was lonely. But women didn't want more than sex from him, he said. None of them took him seriously. He 'used to be' shy he told me, but then he'd taken up comedy, and had learned to be a showman. He'd overcome his shyness.
> 
> 
> But the sad fact was that he hadn't. He was a shy extrovert who had created a great mask behind which he could hide very successfully. But his natural shyness meant that he couldn't come out from behind the mask, especially in vulnerable situations like romance, where rejection is even more dangerous.
> 
> 
> So he stayed behind his clown's mask, lonely but safe. Just like his introvert brother sitting in the corner. Coping with life but not fully living it." - ezinarticles.com




This describes how I feel pefectly.


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## εmptε

I actually somewhat understand what that person is saying and how they're thinking. I'd consider myself natural shy. The first time you meet me I'm liable to say nothing to you than open up more and more to the point that I'll talk about anything. This is with people I like. Then again I might not be shy, but like analyzing and listening to people at the beginning. Learning whatever I can about them in a brief area, and my habit of seeing the world as a game and people as game pieces.

Basically a Shy Extrovert wants the spotlight but doesn't want to burn & burst into flames. I disagree with the article in caring what others think. I care if others think positive of me (meaning they already think I rock) but don't care of they think negative of me (meaning they dislike me). Tell me if I worded that wrong.

HOWEVER! All this could easily be summed up by me being an Extroverted forced & trapped in an introverted environment. I've probably gotten so far out of touch with people that its hard for me to open up to them right when I first meet them. I can make friends like that *snaps* & I use to do it when I was involved in social situations. Now with limit social interaction I don't feel the need to talk to the other pieces.

I just made this whole subject even more complicated didn't I? :dry:


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## Munchies

that describes me pretty good too. Well the N in the EN makes sense that it would make me shy because of its weirdness.


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## Linesky

Oh I love this post very much!

I'll hit myself somewhere painful if I find out I'm wrong about myself,
but I consider myself to be a Shy Ambivert, often inclined to act introverted (sometimes I can barely stand being around (certain) people so I'd rather be Elsewhere or be left alone or I'm just wandering around ^^) but the ambivert side shows spontaniously once I'm around some people for a while:
- I get energized by having time alone, but like to be surrounded by people I like or that I want to know more about. (I am quite picky because if I can't find what I am looking for I would rather be alone until I find something else. but once I establish the liking of someone I won't mind having them around. when I Really like someone it can become hard for me to deal with them not being around or showing some kind of sign. if they don't show anything I just assume they don't care and I won't care either.)
- The more I like someone, the more I care about what they think of me, the more I will be Shy. Yet because I would like to know how much they really might like me, I WILL! share things about myself which are somewhat more or less personal (doesn't have to be all the time, ..fluid interaction to me is already a way of opening up to someone who seems appealing). I naturally don't share every little personal thing at once, but in bits, depending on time spent together and/or rate of (current) closure.
- If I will be around the company of people I like, I will naturally be more Shy at the beginning about myself, but will eventually open up because of my own dignity/respect/acceptance for who I am (sometimes even when feeling shy doing it) and it is also useful to see if it'll really click or not though sometimes my Shyness will control my behavior completely so then I become more clumsy and obvious but I guess that has its charms as well (I might become so shy that I will have a harder time getting things out). And if it won't lead anywhere it might come to me as a disappointment, but I won't feel bad about it for long, I accept it easily. and just be ready for other connections. Better ones. Try to look for them once I become lonely and bored with being lonely. 'Cause as I mentioned before, loneliness doesn't naturally bother me --- but having no one I like nearby can be sucky as well . I don't hang out with people I dislike, even though to dislike them I'd have to be curious enough about them to get to know them a bit first. Though sometimes I just eliminate certain people when I have a more expressed preference for things. I can get confused out of this. 
- I like getting to know various people. Because things come and go and you just never know. I am also very curious about people, though I can be anti-social or even misanthropic.

I haven't found a real balance yet in being this way. There Is a troublesome side to it.


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## kph5034

Evolyptic said:


> I actually somewhat understand what that person is saying and how they're thinking. I'd consider myself natural shy. The first time you meet me I'm liable to say nothing to you than open up more and more to the point that I'll talk about anything. This is with people I like. Then again I might not be shy, but like analyzing and listening to people at the beginning. Learning whatever I can about them in a brief area, and my habit of seeing the world as a game and people as game pieces.
> 
> Basically a Shy Extrovert wants the spotlight but doesn't want to burn & burst into flames. I disagree with the article in caring what others think. I care if others think positive of me (meaning they already think I rock) but don't care of they think negative of me (meaning they dislike me). Tell me if I worded that wrong.
> 
> HOWEVER! All this could easily be summed up by me being an Extroverted forced & trapped in an introverted environment. I've probably gotten so far out of touch with people that its hard for me to open up to them right when I first meet them. I can make friends like that *snaps* & I use to do it when I was involved in social situations. Now with limit social interaction I don't feel the need to talk to the other pieces.
> 
> I just made this whole subject even more complicated didn't I? :dry:


I see where your coming from, especially the part about analyzing and listening to people. I do that all the time. But yeah I won't really talk to people much until I get into a one on one situation. After I break that barrier I break the shyness barrier, too. I think where you and I differ is that I care what people think about me no matter what... I strive to have everyone like me, and when someone doesn't like me I care more about that than about people that like me... that my F acting up I guess haha.


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## WickedQueen

I'm more confident talking to many strangers than being one on one with a stranger. I get shy if I'm not confident with the conversation or with how I show myself.


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## laly37

This is sooo true for me too


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## Vaka

I would say that I am fairly comfortable talking to strangers and meeting new people, but even on the internet I have a hard time keeping contact with people. And that's only because I get insecure and shy after first meeting...
But thank you for that. I look at extroversion in terms of just being able to draw energy directly from the world rather than just people. 
I don't like how, on this board, extroversion is made to be synonymous with attention-seeking, outgoing, comfortable, and needing to be around others...


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## Crystall

By that definition I am also a shy person. I was painfully shy growing up and I'm still very sensitive and thin skinned. I'm fearful of social rejection and ridicule, but I love being the center of attention. :mellow: 
But but but... 
Shyness isn't innate! Shyness is learned!


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## dagnytaggart

WickedQueen said:


> I'm more confident talking to many strangers than being one on one with a stranger. I get shy if I'm not confident with the conversation or with how I show myself.


Very true for me. I'd much rather be in group conversations, and be the center of attention there, than talk to someone one-on-one, face-to-face. I don't know, it's just too intense and I don't love it.


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## MilkyWay132

Well, even though I'm an Introvert, I'm kind of shy too. I was extremely shy when I was younger, but it's something that's gradually fading away. (At least I think it is?)


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## MilkyWay132

For me, it's the total opposite. One on one conversations not only energize me, but I also feel more confident in them. For groups, it's the opposite. Groups just aren't my thing, I guess. I have a theory; Maybe the difference between shy introverts and shy extroverts is that shy extroverts feel more timid during one on one conversations, while shy introverts are more intimidated by groups of people.


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## penchant

MilkyWay132 said:


> I have a theory; Maybe the difference between shy introverts and shy extroverts is that shy extroverts feel more timid during one on one conversations, while shy introverts are more intimidated by groups of people.


That seems reasonable to me. I can't explain why, but it makes sense.


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## happygoluckyFIN

Paranoid Android said:


> I would say that I am fairly comfortable talking to strangers and meeting new people, but even on the internet I have a hard time keeping contact with people. And that's only because I get insecure and shy after first meeting...
> .


I have same thing, making contacts is almost easy but next time I see these new people I start to think things like "Maybe he/she didn't like me" or "He/she was just polite but doesn't want to meet again". I hesitate to make next step with people and then they may think I don't want their company :frustrating: ... lot of acquaintances but a few friends


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## BroNerd

I can relate to this. 
Rejection is something that bothers me a lot.
Strangely enough, this mixture can help me get along with people well.
The guy who makes the witty remark on-the-spot and the guy who listens to what others have to say.

Here is how I often am in one-to-one conversations..I get the other person talking about him/herself (especially if the person is Introverted) but I always feel like that I am steering the conversation..I am the one who is holding the reins. I am the one who wants to break the awkward silence.
When I am chatting with another Extrovert, I feel conversation flows better..less awkward silences.

I enjoy group conversations (especially those that are lighthearted in nature) but I actually find that I have a lot of strong skills one-to-one despite my shyness/fear of rejection. People *love* to talk about themselves..remembering this helps a lot.


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## TheOwl

I consider myself to be an introvert because of how I act, but I am energized by social interaction. I guess that makes me a shy extrovert.
I have a hard time with one-on-one conversation. It feels too intimate. There is more pressure. In a group, not all of the focus is on me. I don't have to speak to fill up the silence because I know someone else will. I feel like I have less responsibility and that I am just going with the flow. I can retreat into my mind when I need to, and no one is likely to notice and think I'm zoning out. It is so much more comfortable.

Also, one thing stopping me from acting as extroverted as I am is that I am rarely interested in the conversations going on around me. I just have nothing to say. Teenagers like to talk about TV (I don't watch it), other people's love life and friendship dramas (I don't care), school work (boring. I'll do it occasionally, but why would I want to talk about it?), music (I just have a completely different taste from others I know. I like punk and metal, and the punk rockers and metalheads here want nothing to do with me because I don't dress like them, and I want nothing to do with them because they're elitist douchebags.), etc. So, I'm not always shy, just uninterested. Sorry for the mini-rant lol.


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## TheEpitome0220

Wow, that was a great post! I'm definitely just like that person that was described. I'm an ENFJ and I love being a leader amongst people...heck, I was honored as student leader of the year in my college. But, there is that huge difference in the way I act in a big group than in a small group. I'd rather prefer being in a small group wherein I can control the emotional situation and make sure that everyone feels okay. In a way too big of a group, I lose that sense of interactive battery recharge. I like spending time with people and when I'm alone for too long I turn to dark thoughts/become very self-critical. 

I used to be extremely shy and didn't talk to people very much as a kid thus not having very many friends. But I learned to get over it and kind of put on my "leader mask" and command a room. However, at times, in a social setting where I don't know anyone, I tend to go back to old habits and really get to talk to 2 or 3 people and try to get to know them as well as I can.


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## TPlume

This is the thought that brought me to this forum. I just suddenly realized that shyness isn't what defined intro/extroversion. I was shy as a kid staying very close to people I know when strangers are around, but once that barrier breaks down I can be a chatterbox... and when I finally ironed out most of that shyness eventually, I became very good at socializing. I think I'm an extro mainly cos I find it necessary to have a certain amount of social contact, else I feel down lacking energy.

Now I think that what seperates introverts from shy extroverts is that they don't 'need' that social contact. They just don't care, it doesn't have much to do with shyness.

@milkyway


> For me, it's the total opposite. One on one conversations not only energize me, but I also feel more confident in them. For groups, it's the opposite. Groups just aren't my thing, I guess. I have a theory; Maybe _the difference between shy introverts and shy extroverts is that shy extroverts feel more timid during one on one conversations, while shy introverts are more intimidated by groups of people_.


I think it's just different degrees of shyness. In a group you have the option to change the amount of attention you're getting. One-On-One, the focus is on you most of the time.


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## Psych

I've always thought I am a shy extravert. I find it much easier to talk in groups rather than one on one conversations.


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## Hycocritical truth teller

εmptε;95905 said:


> I actually somewhat understand what that person is saying and how they're thinking. I'd consider myself natural shy. The first time you meet me I'm liable to say nothing to you than open up more and more to the point that I'll talk about anything. This is with people I like. Then again I might not be shy, but like analyzing and listening to people at the beginning. Learning whatever I can about them in a brief area, and my habit of seeing the world as a game and people as game pieces.
> 
> Basically a Shy Extrovert wants the spotlight but doesn't want to burn & burst into flames. I disagree with the article in caring what others think. *I care if others think positive of me (meaning they already think I rock) but don't care of they think negative of me (meaning they dislike me).* Tell me if I worded that wrong.
> 
> HOWEVER! All this could easily be summed up by me being an Extroverted forced & trapped in an introverted environment. I've probably gotten so far out of touch with people that its hard for me to open up to them right when I first meet them. I can make friends like that *snaps* & I use to do it when I was involved in social situations. Now with limit social interaction I don't feel the need to talk to the other pieces.
> 
> I just made this whole subject even more complicated didn't I? :dry:


This goes for me to! It's not easy not to care at all, it's not even possible.
I am also shy before I open up - but later I can talk about everything. 
I don't know is it shy or careful or something like "get just shake hands with someone and start talking like insane person and we just have met"!


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## Hycocritical truth teller

TheOwl said:


> *I consider myself to be an introvert because of how I act, but I am energized by social interaction. I guess that makes me a shy extrovert.*
> I have a hard time with one-on-one conversation. It feels too intimate. There is more pressure. In a group, not all of the focus is on me. I don't have to speak to fill up the silence because I know someone else will. I feel like I have less responsibility and that I am just going with the flow. I can retreat into my mind when I need to, and no one is likely to notice and think I'm zoning out. It is so much more comfortable.
> 
> Also, one thing stopping me from acting as extroverted as I am is that I am rarely interested in the conversations going on around me. I just have nothing to say. Teenagers like to talk about TV (I don't watch it), other people's love life and friendship dramas (I don't care), school work (boring. I'll do it occasionally, but why would I want to talk about it?), music (I just have a completely different taste from others I know. I like punk and metal, and the punk rockers and metalheads here want nothing to do with me because I don't dress like them, and I want nothing to do with them because they're elitist douchebags.), etc. So, I'm not always shy, just uninterested. Sorry for the mini-rant lol.


Singed.
But I am kinda never uninterested so I am more talkative, and one-on-ones are not a problem. But also I wanted to point out how much is big or small group or one person preferences are just a matter of someones taste. For me it never says a lot about are you I or E. In big groups there is a less chance of being in some too personal debates and many people help conversation run more easily. In one or one you have to follow person all the time but you can also you get to know someone well (and there goes the shy part - it's no longer there).


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## Psych

Yeah, although I do find one-on-one conversations easier, I guess you can blend into the background with big groups.


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## Hycocritical truth teller

Psych said:


> Yeah, although I do find one-on-one conversations easier, I guess you can blend into the background with big groups.


I usually find one or two persons to talk with in big groups


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## louea380

kph5034 said:


> I see where your coming from, especially the part about analyzing and listening to people. I do that all the time. But yeah I won't really talk to people much until I get into a one on one situation. After I break that barrier I break the shyness barrier, too.


I do this too! It's kinda annoying. Like you feel judged by people in the group if you don't know them first, but then like you say, once you get to know them better the shyness goes away. I really want to work on this. It's just a silly insecurity that comes from feeling judged. It would be great not to care.


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## Mystahplz

I feel bad replying to this after 2 years of it being quietly tucked away, but: 

Where does the real difference come in?
One of the most _seemingly_ Extroverted people I know says she hates people, and that she'd rather be alone. While I feel that that's just an air she's putting on, I'm not actually sure.

She can command a room, she talks to everyone, everyone loves her (some people hate her out of jealousy though), she loves being on stage, she nicknames teachers, and she gets along with most anyone. That being said: she claims she'd rather be at home (writing or otherwise not being around people) and that she needs time alone to recharge her batteries. 
And that she's just a really good actress.

Of the personality descriptions we've read while looking for ones that fit her, ESFJ seems to fit her best- but those descriptions are often speculations.

I guess my question is: Is it really what you'd rather do and what recharges you? Or is extroverted-ness a thing you have if you're at good doing it, even if you don't like it? (or if you think you don't)


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## cudibloop

I'm a relatively "shy extrovert", but when I compare myself to true introverts, they're on like another plane of existence as far as reservedness. They're just never quite as loud or urged to be the center of attention as I am.


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## Mystahplz

cudibloop said:


> I'm a relatively "shy extrovert", but when I compare myself to true introverts, they're on like another plane of existence as far as reservedness. They're just never quite as loud or urged to be the center of attention as I am.


I'd say that just has to do with you being an ENFP: the most introverted of extroverts. 
I still think I'm an introvert- multiple times throughout the day- but I just like attention too much. Not in obnoxious ways (usually), but I am super loud and I love to make my friends laugh.
I like people. I like them one on one, or in (well constructed) groups. I like to be on stage. I like to be a voice in class.

But I don't like talking to most of my peers at school. 
Ewww, no, gross. 

They are probably fine. I don't hate them. 
I just don't know how to interact with them. I feel like they already have an idea of me, and I'm not about to spend a ton of energy on trying to change their opinion.

It's not that I'm shy, actually I'm pretty confident, I just feel uncomfortable around them.

Apart from that, the other thing that really makes me wonder is how much I like alone time. As well as the fact that I tend to need breaks from people if I see them too often.

Which tends to lead me to thinking I'm a super confidant introvert
...until I remember how much I like to be noticed.

*SERIOUSLY THOUGH.* Trying to be sure that your more one than the other is hard, there are so many different interpretations.


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## JungyesMBTIno

Yea, the common tendency is for extraverts to be drawn to respond to their circumstances at face value, shy or not, while introverts might almost get away with a ton of stuff the outer world doesn't know about by just taking mental refuge to justify it in the world of their own ideas. Sure, introverts have this side to them, but it's not consciously influential to their identities. Of course, I/E alone really don't mean much, because everyone exhibits different tendencies of one or the other in different ways (for instance, you might get the introvert with extraverted thinking who prefers to respond to stuff at face value in terms of thinking/logic - they direct the logic of a conversation toward an end goal...you might get the introvert with extraverted feeling who prefers responding to matters of feeling purely at face value - just to evaluate the object and not the subjects that arise from the object in order to arrive at a judgment of the object). It's just merging with the object as an entity apart from the subject's own ideas about themselves that tends to disturb introverts (like, they might feel like fish out of water or always feel like their own ideas and desires are being threatened by the expectations of the outside world or conclusions typically found in the outside world).


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## Sixty Nein

I'm an introvert, and sometimes I'm a complete attention whore. Loud, boisterous, obnoxious and the main person who everyone pays attention to. If I don't get any attention on my own terms (I'm known for just ignoring someone entirely if I don't want to deal with them), then I'll just insult anything that they hold dear, for the sake of getting a negative reaction. I honestly think of myself as being a bit of a try-hard, due to the fact that I'll say things like "I like it when animals kill each other and it's filmed. It turns me on, in a nonsexual" way. Even though the fact of the matter, is that I'd honestly be quite horrified and tearful in reality. If I'd felt like it. I'd wear a KKK costume, and shake my ass at all of the black people. Just to watch people get pissed off at me. Even if I'm not feeling edgy, I'll still try to joke and shit, so that people will listen to me.

I just want to deal with people on my own terms though. Unlike an extrovert, who will meld their desires with their environment. Just as the above chick says.


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## Mystahplz

I feel so uninformed. I just got super confused, super fast.
I hate feeling this way.

What I gather from *JungyesMBTIno *is that the common thing assumed is if an extrovert is feeling something you see it on there face. They react outwardly. When attached with the other traits you start to see that that isn't true, because introverts still react outwardly with some of there traits as well.
The *real *difference is that introverts tend to feel like outcasts? (I'm simplifying so I can just get a 'yes' or 'no' about whether I'm on the right track.)

Now as for *St Vual*'s post
"Meld desires with environment"... by which you mean extrovert's adapt based on what's going on around them?
As in their moods change?
Or simply that they desire to be a part of things?


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## NatureChaser

Help needed!
I think I'm a shy extrovert but I'm not really sure. Whenever my cousin's friends come to their house and in the same time I'm in my cousin'house I really wanna join 'em but I'm shy so I always missed the opportunities to join 'em and I always regret it. I always say in my heart "I wish I was not that shy and can be more outgoing so I can join 'em and make new friends" And if my uncle travelling I always wanna join. I always wanna go to somewhere far from my house, and if a quiet situation became loud I always feel happy and energized. But what can make me not sure if Im a shy extrovert is, I also enjoy solitude, I always withdrawn whenever I'm thinking something because I hate communicating what I'm thinking, and whenever I'm in bad mood or feeling blue, I always wish I was creative so I can communicate my sadness and anger in writing because I hate communicating my sadness and anger verbally (so of course I withdrawn whwn I'm in bad mood) and I prefer work alone so I can concentrate working, and if it rains I always wanna be left alone. Plz help me to analyze it. Thanks!


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## agentk5

Munchies said:


> that describes me pretty good too. Well the N in the EN makes sense that it would make me shy because of its weirdness.


Why is the N and the EN weird together? Do you mean Extraverted iNtuition in one type (for instance; ENtp) or are you referring to the cognitive function Ne? 

Ps. Sorry if this doesn't make sense.


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## Satan Claus

I'm very shy! Not naturally shy though, my life experiences have made me a really shy, reserved, person. But once I get comfortable with you I'm more outgoing but STILL I'm shy because of the fear of rejection and being hurt. 

However, even if I wasn't shy I'd still be an introvert. I love talking to people and I do (I'll purposely put myself out of my comfort zone), I love going out with friends and having a large circle of them to talk to but it drains me at the end of the day.

Introversion is much like a cell phone. You start off the day completely charged but the more you work yourself the more drained you get and you're left with 4% battery by 7:00 pm.


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## MidnightPicnic

I am usually rumbling with shyness. I always tell myself it's just adrenalin and it converts itself, exerts itself, into conversing and focusing this energy on those around me, rather than removing myself or needing to operate silently solely internally and then depending on others to initiate communication. So the shyness is still there for a bit, it just turns into awkward, articulate giddiness sometimes. lol
I *love* being around people, strolling through malls for example, but I can quickly have all my energy sucked out of me and do need a little reenergizing and alone time. It feels nice being around a lot of people, even if it's exhausting sometimes.


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## Inklinacja

This post made me confused. I'm shy, I know it. But recently I also realise I look for a company of people. But it doesn't matter if it one person (one-to-one it's easier though) or a group. What matters is connection. I just need to feel connect. 



BroNerd said:


> Here is how I often am in one-to-one conversations..I get the other person talking about him/herself (especially if the person is Introverted) but I always feel like that I am steering the conversation..I am the one who is holding the reins. I am the one who wants to break the awkward silence.
> When I am chatting with another Extrovert, I feel conversation flows better..less awkward silences.
> 
> I enjoy group conversations (especially those that are lighthearted in nature) but I actually find that I have a lot of strong skills one-to-one despite my shyness/fear of rejection. People *love* to talk about themselves..remembering this helps a lot.


I can relate to it 100%.


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