# How to cope with a friend's suicide?



## DasPhillipBrau (Apr 2, 2010)

One of my friends hung herself on saturday.
I had not spoken to her for nearly 10 months because we had somewhat of a fight and misunderstanding, I wanted to mend my relationship with her but now I cant, and I just feel terrible about that, I've never felt like this in my life, I feel guilty, wonder if I could have helped her out of it, and I still think that I'll be able to see her next week or in a month and that everything will be okay, but it's not, she's dead, I'm never seeing her again in my life, I wont listen to her or at least know she is doing OK...I just wish I had more time with her and that we could have gotten back to how things used to be before we parted ways.

I've been digging social networks to get pictures of her, at least to see them...she was not big on social media so she had closed her FB like a year ago, We had beautiful pics together but she was the one who kept them on her old fb, so they're gone now...and there's only 1 girl who has some of her pics...I don't even feel good looking at them because it turns out she hung herself with a scarf, and in the few pictures she's in, she is wearing one...so I really feel terrible looking at them. In the funeral I even went as far as adding her new number on whatsapp, even though I know she will never get online again...

I just miss this girl really bad, I regret not being able to mend things, I feel bad because I'm afraid she might have died with a grudge or at least a negative opinion towards me. And I feel so sad for her, she was so full of love even after she had such a rough life...I'm hating the bunch of psychos and motherfuckers she had to dealt with and who most likely pushed her to take her own life. I really dont know what to do about this.


----------



## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

DasPhillipBrau said:


> One of my friends hung herself on saturday.
> I had not spoken to her for nearly 10 months because we had somewhat of a fight and misunderstanding, I wanted to mend my relationship with her but now I cant, and I just feel terrible about that, I've never felt like this in my life, I feel guilty, wonder if I could have helped her out of it, and I still think that I'll be able to see her next week or in a month and that everything will be okay, but it's not, she's dead, I'm never seeing her again in my life, I wont listen to her or at least know she is doing OK...I just wish I had more time with her and that we could have gotten back to how things used to be before we parted ways.
> 
> I've been digging social networks to get pictures of her, at least to see them...she was not big on social media so she had closed her FB like a year ago, We had beautiful pics together but she was the one who kept them on her old fb, so they're gone now...and there's only 1 girl who has some of her pics...I don't even feel good looking at them because it turns out she hung herself with a scarf, and in the few pictures she's in, she is wearing one...so I really feel terrible looking at them. In the funeral I even went as far as adding her new number on whatsapp, even though I know she will never get online again...
> ...


I don't know what to say, other than I think it's common and normal to feel regret when someone dies. I can't think of one time in which I did not. There's not much you can do about it, except use it to inform how you live your life now. That's one of the beautiful things about death--that it can remind us of what is going on right now, and how we are alive and capable of certain things.

I'm sorry your friend died. I'm sure she had a lot going on with her, and I'm glad you're taking the time right now to remember how you felt about her.


----------



## DasPhillipBrau (Apr 2, 2010)

meltedsorbet said:


> I don't know what to say, other than I think it's common and normal to feel regret when someone dies. I can't think of one time in which I did not. There's not much you can do about it, except use it to inform how you live your life now. That's one of the beautiful things about death--that it can remind us of what is going on right now, and how we are alive and capable of certain things.
> 
> I'm sorry your friend died. I'm sure she had a lot going on with her, and I'm glad you're taking the time right now to remember how you felt about her.


So there's nothing aside going on? I do feel like there was a valuable lesson to be learned: Fix any issues you've got with your friends while you can, cherish your friends.

She was one of my closest friends before the missunderstanding, I used to spend most of my time with her, she taught me about lots of simple pleasures in life, I'm really gonna miss her, I wish I could have been there to help her.


----------



## sarek (May 20, 2010)

The exact same thing happened to me last year when my best friend for over 23 years took his own life. No one had seen it coming, even though I was pretty much the only person who saw him on a weekly basis.

It is easy to dig yourself into doubts, wondering about all the what-ifs. Should you have seen something, could you have done anything, said something that would have made a difference? 

But there are a few things you need to keep in mind. The first one is that a suicide is a personal choice. The one and only person making that choice is the one who decides to end their life. Another person can never accept the responsibility for any of that. You are responsible only for your own choices, she is responsible for her choices.

The second thing is that you and everyone else around your friend, can only ever act from what they see and know. You do not have psychic powers to look into the future. All you have is what you see and what you hear, and that is what you base your actions on. If you end up in the same situation again, you would do the exact same things again because you can not possibly have known what was going on in her mind. 

I have found a few means of consolation for myself which helped me through. Self awareness is one of them, though that may not be readily possible for everyone.
Something else that has helped me was consulting a friend of mine who is a shamanic healer and astral traveller. She managed to get in touch with my friend and helped set him free. I know that he is out there now and that he is looking after me as I go through my life. That is why I do not talk of him in past tense, because he is still there. 
This may not be an option for your, its just an idea. Doing something like that might help comfort you.


----------



## ForestPaix (Aug 30, 2014)

I'm really sorry to hear that!  I'm sure she'd want you to be happy, without regrets. I highly doubt she held a grudge against you. I don't have any advice to give you sorry. My sympathies.


----------



## DAPHNE XO (Jan 16, 2012)

I think all that you can do is practise compassion, both for yourself and your friend.

I understand that you feel guilty, but you weren't to know, therefore you're not to blame. And for your friend, if she felt that taking her own life was the only way to stop the pain, then her choice should be respected and it should be honoured. It's not always easy to admit that you can't cope so much that you want to commit suicide. A lot of people see it as the easy way out, and I have to admit I did too, but nobody knows what she was going through.

The only thing that we do know is she made a decision to relieve herself from the pain the only way she knew how at the time. Perhaps had she felt like she had other options, she might have decided on another course of action, but this is only a speculation.

All anyone can do now really is to respect her choices and honour them by, like you're doing already, cherishing the memories you had together. I don't think she'd ever want you to feel guilty and if she could, she'd probably apologise for making you feel bad. If she was a lovely person before she died, then that is how she should be remembered - because technically, she still is a lovely person. That doesn't change just because she's not physically here anymore.

Sorry for your loss.


----------



## stiletto (Oct 26, 2013)

It is unfortunate. Allow yourself to grieve but not live guiltily. She was going through something on her own. Fighting her own demons. She would not want her death to cause demons for others. You need to forgive yourself, but not forget.


----------



## Fievel (Jul 9, 2013)

My sympathies. I had a friend who committed suicide too. :crying:


----------



## Modal Soul (Jun 16, 2013)

DasPhillipBrau said:


> One of my friends hung herself on saturday.
> I had not spoken to her for nearly 10 months because we had somewhat of a fight and misunderstanding, I wanted to mend my relationship with her but now I cant, and I just feel terrible about that, I've never felt like this in my life, I feel guilty, wonder if I could have helped her out of it, and I still think that I'll be able to see her next week or in a month and that everything will be okay, but it's not, she's dead, I'm never seeing her again in my life, I wont listen to her or at least know she is doing OK...I just wish I had more time with her and that we could have gotten back to how things used to be before we parted ways.
> 
> I've been digging social networks to get pictures of her, at least to see them...she was not big on social media so she had closed her FB like a year ago, We had beautiful pics together but she was the one who kept them on her old fb, so they're gone now...and there's only 1 girl who has some of her pics...I don't even feel good looking at them because it turns out she hung herself with a scarf, and in the few pictures she's in, she is wearing one...so I really feel terrible looking at them. In the funeral I even went as far as adding her new number on whatsapp, even though I know she will never get online again...
> ...





DasPhillipBrau said:


> So there's nothing aside going on? I do feel like there was a valuable lesson to be learned: Fix any issues you've got with your friends while you can, cherish your friends.
> 
> She was one of my closest friends before the missunderstanding, I used to spend most of my time with her, she taught me about lots of simple pleasures in life, I'm really gonna miss her, I wish I could have been there to help her.


you have such a beautiful soul.

i am very sorry for you loss and i hope you are, day by day, getting better. please don't think of this as your fault either, because it's not and i doubt your friend would have wanted you to feel this way upon hearing the news of her passing. i feel bad that i don't have any other words of consolation to offer you... please just know that your feelings are completely valid and anyone who tells you otherwise doesn't know what they're talking about. take care of yourself, okay?


----------



## Sourpuss (Aug 9, 2014)

The same way you cope with any death: endure it and over time the pain will dissipate. All you can do to endure that period is get on with your life.


----------



## Lexicon Devil (Mar 14, 2014)

I thing you will find the answers you seek when you focus on all the loving times you spent together. The last 10 months does not negate this in any way.


----------



## DasPhillipBrau (Apr 2, 2010)

Thank you all guys for your sincere words, I can't really individually quote anyone right now, but I just want to say thanks. Things have been like a rollercoaster so far, some days are good, some days are bad. I keep having dreams about her and I've been reading some old conversations we had and they bring me both pain and happiness, I suppose it must be a normal part of the process. I'm sure that in time I'll come to terms with her death. So far I've been remembering her for the piece of cotton candy she was, the sweetest and most selfless girl I had as a friend.


----------



## Golden Rose (Jun 5, 2014)

I've been there, we didn't have a fight but I was extremely young and I feel like I ended up ignoring all of the red flags hidden behind his usual sunny disposition, his pain wasn't worn on his sleeve but it was regardless strong and overwhelming for those who knew his heart...and sadly there weren't many. I remember the heartbreaking feeling of guilt, I remember the rage against those trivializing his suicide and trying to justify it with something as cheap as grades or minor fights and, as comforting as it was to see people feel for him, I simply knew they were mostly faking it. Does it ever go away? It really doesn't, there's a part of you that died with her and nothing will ever change that but time helps you distance from the pain, time helps you embrace the fact that there's nothing you could've possibly done and that just by respecting her choice and being her friend, you made her life better, you were able to warm her heart as much as you could. I know it might sound cliche but she wouldn't want you to let your soul fall into darkness, please don't let your guilt and regret drag you into a circle of self sabotaging and coldness because sometimes life is cruel and merciless but everything happens for a reason and I'm sure that it was an extremely hard choice for her but in the end that was what she wanted and needed, heartbreaking as it is. Don't try to kill the pain, don't try to make it go away but do your best to forgive yourself, hold it tight and keep all of your precious memories alive, keep her in your heart and live for her, for yourself, for all of those who simply couldn't. My heart is breaking for you right now and I genuinely hope that the future will be nothing but kind to you, that all of this pain will lead you to happiness and growth, because she'll never stop loving you as friend and the pain of leaving loved people behind often involves their potential reactions. Don't make her fears come true and keep being strong. It's ok to suffer, it's ok to feel weak and break but don't forget to hold onto everything you have. My heart goes out to you.

My condolences, sending you the tightest hug right now.


----------



## Brian1 (May 7, 2011)

Well, I think this guilt thing you are feeling, is normal. A close friend of mine committed suicide at the end of summer in 2013. I was friends with him, and, his sister on facebook. I knew them both since childhood. I felt guilty, that I wasn't able to really reconnect with him. And that goes on for a long while. I miss him terribly. I think you shouldn't beat yourself up over it, especially if your friend had family. Truth be told, I don't know why my friend took his life. And I'll bet you don't know why your friend took her life? But, you'll never get over the endless speculation of what could you have done. I think talking about your loss is helpful, and, I would find a support group. I went to my friend's wake, funeral, burial, reception. Saw old friends, learned about myself. I'm so glad I did all that. A part of you is never healed. I hope that helps? I'm sorry for your loss.


----------



## Loaf (Mar 27, 2014)

It's hard, but you will get there in the end, experientially speaking. I will be honest there are times when it comes back to me, and yes I do feel somewhat guilty, as in did I try hard enough and so forth, but on the other hand I know that I did. As time moves on, it gets easier.


----------



## DasPhillipBrau (Apr 2, 2010)

Karma said:


> I've been there, we didn't have a fight but I was extremely young and I feel like I ended up ignoring all of the red flags hidden behind his usual sunny disposition, his pain wasn't worn on his sleeve but it was regardless strong and overwhelming for those who knew his heart...and sadly there weren't many. I remember the heartbreaking feeling of guilt, I remember the rage against those trivializing his suicide and trying to justify it with something as cheap as grades or minor fights and, as comforting as it was to see people feel for him, I simply knew they were mostly faking it. Does it ever go away? It really doesn't, there's a part of you that died with her and nothing will ever change that but time helps you distance from the pain, time helps you embrace the fact that there's nothing you could've possibly done and that just by respecting her choice and being her friend, you made her life better, you were able to warm her heart as much as you could. I know it might sound cliche but she wouldn't want you to let your soul fall into darkness, please don't let your guilt and regret drag you into a circle of self sabotaging and coldness because sometimes life is cruel and merciless but everything happens for a reason and I'm sure that it was an extremely hard choice for her but in the end that was what she wanted and needed, heartbreaking as it is. Don't try to kill the pain, don't try to make it go away but do your best to forgive yourself, hold it tight and keep all of your precious memories alive, keep her in your heart and live for her, for yourself, for all of those who simply couldn't. My heart is breaking for you right now and I genuinely hope that the future will be nothing but kind to you, that all of this pain will lead you to happiness and growth, because she'll never stop loving you as friend and the pain of leaving loved people behind often involves their potential reactions. Don't make her fears come true and keep being strong. It's ok to suffer, it's ok to feel weak and break but don't forget to hold onto everything you have. My heart goes out to you.
> 
> My condolences, sending you the tightest hug right now.


Yes I've felt the rage, though it was more focused towards those who I think pushed her to do it, there were a lot of abussive figures in her life. I honestly think if any of those guys had shown up at the wake, I would have socked them on the spot. I realize maybe the dreams I've been having lately are a way of saying something. In one of them, we're both in her house, sitting on her bed, then she gets angry and says something, I chase her around, tell her I'm sorry and then she says "it's OK, I forgive you, let's meet up in a week to talk about this." And then the dream ends...that one at least. I've also had another one where I'm chasing her around the house and then I just reach a place with her coffin and as soon as I see her in there, some people start dragging me away from the coffin. Weird dreams, but I'm sure they meant something when I had them.
I really can't agree on the "respect her decision" part; Lynda needed love, instead she was just used as a sexual escape by some douchebags, she needed love and comprehension, not killing herself. It was a bad decision, I wish she hadn't taken it, but she did, and there's nothing I can do, so I realize: this is not about forgetting about her and moving on, but rather just comming to terms with her death, and then moving on, always remembering her as the kind soul she was with me.



Brian1 said:


> Well, I think this guilt thing you are feeling, is normal. A close friend of mine committed suicide at the end of summer in 2013. I was friends with him, and, his sister on facebook. I knew them both since childhood. I felt guilty, that I wasn't able to really reconnect with him. And that goes on for a long while. I miss him terribly. I think you shouldn't beat yourself up over it, especially if your friend had family. Truth be told, I don't know why my friend took his life. And I'll bet you don't know why your friend took her life? But, you'll never get over the endless speculation of what could you have done. I think talking about your loss is helpful, and, I would find a support group. I went to my friend's wake, funeral, burial, reception. Saw old friends, learned about myself. I'm so glad I did all that. A part of you is never healed. I hope that helps? I'm sorry for your loss.


I guess I do know why she did it...she had been diagnozed with clinical depression since she was 10, been medicated ever since, in fact her family said at the wake that she had died of a respiratory arrest because her body was simply too worn out from all the meds. Of course that's not what happened, but I guess they simply didn't want people to know how she really died. heh, I remember she always used to tell me she wouldn't get past her thirties because of the toll the meds took on her, she was sick most of the time, especially on her final days (according to what some of her friends told me).
I'm not trying to downplay her pain, she had a very rough life, it's just that, I wish I could have done more to prevent it.


----------

