# Can you change who you're attracted to?



## TurranMC (Sep 15, 2009)

This is a topic that has been bothering me greatly lately. I don't want to enter my own opinion since I believe it will alter your responses, but I am very interested in what other people have to say. Think about the people you've been attracted to in your life. What attracted you to them? Has what attracted you to people ever changed? Has there ever been a person that you feel you should be attracted to but you're not? Was there ever a person you were attracted to but didn't want to be? 

By the way these questions pertain to people you wanted to (or did not want to) date, not someone you just wanted to (or didn't want to be) friends with.


----------



## Grey (Oct 10, 2009)

Gender? No.

Characteristics? Yes. There can be altering experiences that can change your like or dislike of a type, but generally, you'll be attracted to the same base traits. People may convince themselves that they used to be attracted to one thing, but have become attracted to another entirely, but the reality is that, more likely, they are just finding the same thing in a subconscious way.

When I was younger, I felt that, surely, I ought to be attracted to males and that I would eventually - that has never come by. There are people I've been attracted to but shouldn't (older women), and those with traits counter to mine (I've been interested in women who are socialites and women who are sensitive and meek in the past). As for the people I would 'want to be'... sure, all of the time. There are people in this forum I'd like to be more like, just because I respect them so much. This doesn't mean I'll try to make myself out to be them, though. I am who I am.


----------



## TurranMC (Sep 15, 2009)

Grey said:


> Gender? No.
> 
> Characteristics? Yes. There can be altering experiences that can change your like or dislike of a type, but generally, you'll be attracted to the same base traits. People may convince themselves that they used to be attracted to one thing, but have become attracted to another entirely, but the reality is that, more likely, they are just finding the same thing in a subconscious way.
> 
> When I was younger, I felt that, surely, I ought to be attracted to males and that I would eventually - that has never come by. There are people I've been attracted to but shouldn't (older women), and those with traits counter to mine (I've been interested in women who are socialites and women who are sensitive and meek in the past). As for the people I would 'want to be'... sure, all of the time. There are people in this forum I'd like to be more like, just because I respect them so much. This doesn't mean I'll try to make myself out to be them, though. I am who I am.


I want to make it clear to everyone that I understand attraction to gender will be a point people will want to touch on, but overall I'm not really worried about that aspect so I'd prefer if people don't focus on it. But anyway thanks for your input.

Need more posts!


----------



## Mind Marauder (Nov 12, 2009)

My attraction to certain looks has changed many, MANY times in my life. There are some looks that I used to be attracted to that I cannot stand now. Although now I really can't say I'm that interested in physical attraction right now. I still have my standards, but physicality doesn't mean much to me anymore as far as the EXTREMELY beautiful women go. I just want someone who looks unique, not some cookie-cutter pop out.


----------



## TurranMC (Sep 15, 2009)

Mind Marauder said:


> My attraction to certain looks has changed many, MANY times in my life. There are some looks that I used to be attracted to that I cannot stand now. Although now I really can't say I'm that interested in physical attraction right now. I still have my standards, but physicality doesn't mean much to me anymore as far as the EXTREMELY beautiful women go. I just want someone who looks unique, not some cookie-cutter pop out.


Physical appearance actually means fairly little to me so I'm not too worried about this aspect, but I do not mind other people going into that part at all. How about their personality? Are you drawn to certain personality traits that you can't help being drawn to? Can you more specifically answer the questions I originally posted? Have you ever been attracted to someone you didn't want to be? Wanted to be attracted to someone you couldn't force yourself to be attracted to? etc.


----------



## Blue Butterfly (Sep 19, 2009)

My attraction point is does the man understand childhood abuse. If he does and has the mental depth to discuss these issues then he has me hooked. Personality type does not seem to be a factor in the least. My heart longs for that total understanding of issues that I have had to face. And that attraction point don’t seem to change for me with age. Of course there are other issues I would consider before a long term commitment.


----------



## Grey (Oct 10, 2009)

TurranMC said:


> [...] How about their personality? Are you drawn to certain personality traits that you can't help being drawn to?


If I may expand on my own post through this, I have to say I am drawn absolutely to intelligence. Another thing I can't help is being drawn to is the ability to articulate well. The downside to these things is that the people I'm attracted to often end up becoming very full of themselves or are able to twist their words against me - thankfully, before I try to initiate a relationship. On the fact that I also used to be drawn to the quiet and meek, this was at odds with my personality because they were often so sensitive. Not only that, but many had learned their way of controlling others through manipulation, so it could often end up being a terrible friendship (I'm into the 'friends before girlfriends' thing).

In personality types, if I haven't made it too obvious, I am very attracted to ENFPs. If not that type, I am drawn to ENFJs and even occasionally INTPs. The 'N' is always a factor, though.


----------



## Mind Marauder (Nov 12, 2009)

TurranMC said:


> Physical appearance actually means fairly little to me so I'm not too worried about this aspect, but I do not mind other people going into that part at all. How about their personality? Are you drawn to certain personality traits that you can't help being drawn to? Can you more specifically answer the questions I originally posted? Have you ever been attracted to someone you didn't want to be? Wanted to be attracted to someone you couldn't force yourself to be attracted to? etc.


I've not met anyone with a personality that has truly shocked or amazed me. All human action fails to surprise me. I guess if I could ever meet a person that would be outside of my realm of thought in such a genuine and honest way, I would be attracted to that person. Really I answered your original question, just not in the way you thought. I talked about looks. Really that's all I have to be attracted to be because most people have dull personalities. They are slaves to their pathetic desires. If I could just find ONE girl who looked physically beautiful but was an honest and unique person, as I said, I would be attracted to that. Have I been attracted to those I didn't want to be? Yes, but only because of their looks. When I realized who they truly were I quickly eliminated my desire. As far as forcing myself to be attracted to someone who I think I should be attracted to goes, why would I? That is completely unnatural. If I like someone (for whatever reason) then I will like them. If I don't like someone (even if the rest of the world can do nothing but be enslaved to them and sing their praises) then I don't like them.


----------



## Sunless (Jul 30, 2009)

I once had a sweet friend who was in love with me for two years. I really wanted to be attracted to him, but it was impossible


----------



## snail (Oct 13, 2008)

I can choose who I want, but not who I want to want. I can train myself to want almost anyone, to an extent, but only if that person has qualities that align with what I consider appropriate on an intellectual level. This is how I apply my values to mate-selection, choosing based on considerations that are fair and loving even if I must override obsolete instincts in order to do so. When my feelings and my values are not in alignment, I modify whichever is inappropriate. I could not, however, suddenly force myself to want someone who seemed threatening or inspired fear.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## susurration (Oct 22, 2009)

I sort of see people as a whole. So if i'm attracted to someone for a trait I already like (i.e. sense of humour) and I discover they have traits Im not ordinarily attracted to (i.e. forthrightness), then I start to see the value of that latter trait. To the point where today, there are few traits I cant handle, and few traits that I dont find appealing, as long as the whole package is right. So for me, I like most people as they are, and because I like -them- I am in the position to see the good in all their traits, and then to take that into other future relationships. That can work in opposition too, I guess.

I have been attracted to people I dont get on with at all...but whose traits I find interesting.

Relationships also come out of personal need a lot of the time. If you are unstable for whatever reason, you may be attracted to a similarly unstable person, or find attraction in a dependable, conventional person. Whereas, at another point, you may be feeling particularly vulnerable and want someone who is more protective.


----------



## vanWinchester (May 29, 2009)

Well, first of all: yes it is possible. At least for me it was. 
I used to be attracted to very bad kind of persons (and they were all the same in core) and it took me a lot of hard work but I was able to change it by *just* working on myself. 

The type of person I usually was attracted to were like...super-asshole kind of people who would only abuse you and think about themselves; not really contribute anything to the relationship other than jealousy and chaotic pain. It wasn't good for me and it did great damage to my personality. 
So what I ended up doing was working on myself; improving; finding out why I am attracted to such people etc. And once I had all the answers and improved my own flaws, I was able to also change what people I was / am attracted to. 
It was a lot of work and it really is not a piece of cake at all, but I was "worth to myself enough" to pick it up and fight thru it. 
If people knew how I was back then, they'd say what everybody who knows said so far: "NO WAY you were like that! You are kidding me, right? I would never have imagined". 

I am a big believer in change anyways. Even though "believer" might be the wrong word. I've seen it happening before. My dad changed; I changed. I did realize there is not many people who REALLY change, because most people just are not patient enough and they basically want stuff to happen within 2 days; which of course is BS, especially if you had a certain behaviour in your system for years and decades. People often just want "the easy way out". But that's not how it works. 

What it takes to really change is complete honesty with yourself, so you can exactly determine what your flaws and problems are. No sugar-coating. One needs to be 100% honest. However, not like "I suck". Just state things how they are "I have a problem with trust". No self-mobbing. Just stating facts. 
Then it takes the will to change it and patience. Also self-discipline. Then one can get somewhere with his plans of change. 



TurranMC said:


> 1. What attracted you to them?
> 2. Has what attracted you to people ever changed?
> 3. Has there ever been a person that you feel you should be attracted to but you're not?
> 4. Was there ever a person you were attracted to but didn't want to be?


1. Them being "assholes" which I somehow must have linked to "badass" and "strong". Was I naive. 
2. Yes, as stated above
3. Happened too, yes. I knew I was attracted to the wrong kind of person, seeing I would constantly get hurt. But again, you can't just change it "like that". And I knew it. 
4. Yes, same as answer 3 basically, just opposite. 

Last thing I wanted to add is how Grey said she doesn't believe you can suddenly be attracted to other genders. I disagree with that. 
Especially if you had many disappointments with one gender, you can "suddenly" be attracted to the other side. Or also because you become more open-minded over the years. It's all possible and I saw that one happen too. For good, and not just as a "phase". 

My 2 cents.


----------



## Linesky (Dec 10, 2008)

I've been attracted to someone I dated later. Then as I recognized certain aspects that didn't occur to me in a certain light before, and decided I'd rather have something else next time, my attraction also changed and so the next person was radically different in the area that I had given attention to. However, those people still hold similarities. I suppose it all depends on the depth and point of view of seeing all kinds of aspects - both on themselves and as an element of a bigger system.


----------



## Narrator (Oct 11, 2009)

There's faint sense of _interest, _physically playing with their face, quite fascinated, when half drunk because you want to see them smile.
There's pity.
There's down right, gut wrenching, heart twanging, chest compressing fascination, you eyes are glued to them, just..._glued_.
There's...electricity running though my veins, stomach slowly rolling, skin...alive, tingling, half numbness, and the thought of being in their arms, smelling them, warm, safe, scared.
There's warmth, as you walk beside them, everything about them is bathed in a yellow, but when they turn their eyes away, or talk to another, for too long the jelousy, fear, disgust, neediness start to creep in.
There's feeling so sick you can't eat, constantly nauseated with just how wrong the world is; paralysed with terror; just how hideous you both are, a desperate, frozen, unbearable static, to either eascape, or implode. But you can't run.

It's either electric, warmth or a gravitational pull. I don't think I could _change _it, I don't understand how it's possible to do that by will.

I can fall into infatuation with a hug most assuredly.
Someone's aura, powerful Ni, or powerful Se.


----------



## Fanille (Sep 3, 2009)

I don't really operate on specific criteria as far as what characteristics I find to be attractive, so this is a tough one for me.

One thing that stands out, though, is that I do find muscular women (like Crush and Venom from American Gladiators) more attractive than I did when I was younger (during the days of the original American Gladiators, I didn't think much of the women, but when I saw the newer version, I thought, "Damn, those chicks are hot!"). I didn't know much about figure and fitness competitors until I started working out toward the end of high school/beginning of college.

Perhaps, as both my physique and my self-confidence have grown, I have become less intimidated by women who are strong (both physically and personality-wise). Neither muscles nor dominance are requirements for me to find a woman attractive, though.


----------



## SeekJess (Nov 1, 2009)

*What attracted you to them?*
All of the people I have been with are hiders.. They hide who they actually are, and cover up their depression. I always end up with guys who have been sexually abused, or questioned their sexuality. For the most part are intellectual, but they always appear to be upbeat, happy people.. But they are too happy, and I call them out on it. Because they evade talking about themselves, and I crack them.. I figure them out.. and for once they actually feel loved. But they don't love me in return for who I am, but only because I love them. 

*Has what attracted you to people ever changed?*
Not too much, they usually get better, but they all have the same root issues, a lot of similarities for sure. But I have only had two long term relationships, the last one I got out of wasn't that great, but better than the previous one. I am building my way up.
*
Has there ever been a person that you feel you should be attracted to but you're not?*
More often than not. I know the kind of guys I should want to be with.. but there isn't that connection.. or attraction with them. 

*Was there ever a person you were attracted to but didn't want to be? *
most of the time actually.


----------



## Jorge (Aug 5, 2009)

Yeah, definitely, hopefully this is something you are looking for.

Over the years, I haven't been able to NOT notice some of the patterns towards what I am attracted to. I use MBTI a lot to try to describe this, but there are some things that go far beyond the scope of MBTI, which are also important to be addressed.

Although I am not an S, I still notice the physical appearance. I can't really help it. I grew up with an ESFJ mother, an ESFP sister, and a (possible) ESTP father. There are a lot of things that the physical appearance can tell you about a person. "You should never judge a book by its cover" does not play a role in this context. A book cover only shows one image for all of its life, and the presence of a person illustrates action and emotion that are hard to ignore. With this said, I do notice a couple of things:



Green eyes
I tend to hold one-on-one, eye-to-eye conversations. Because of the previous reason, green calms me, sooths me, and makes me feel at peace. Ever since I was a teenager, I've been biased to green-eyed girls, and it's one thing that I haven't grown over. Have I liked girls without green eyes? Hell yeah I have, and I'm willing to say that I've liked more non-green than green-eyed girls. But this physical quality has been something that just peaks my interest



Hair
I like brunettes. This is superficial, and I'm staying away from this. However, I like brown-colored girls, and after I moved to Texas, I realized that it's easy to be biased to NOT date a blonde =P. Again, have I liked blondes? HELL YEAH.... just a brunette will catch my eye quicker.

There are lot of other things that cna caught my eye, but there is a pattern between these two, specially the eyes. When I am willing to spend hours and hours talking to a person in an individual manner, the eyes show too much of a person. They are a window, they are a door, they are unignorable!


With the physical attributes out of the way, I will now state what attracts me about a girl once I talk to her.

I like people who makes me look at them right away. This is a reason why I really like extroverted girls. If they are willing to get into a conversation, when I'll be socially awkward at first, I'll be more than willing. This is the perfect example of what happened to my 'ex'.The first time we had a conversation, she burped into my ear....

It made me think, "What does that burp mean? Does she like me? Is she making fun of me? WHAT!?". I couldn't stop thinking about her because of this. She confessed to me after we started dating than that gesture did not mean a thing, but that is how you attract my attention.

Another girl, a girl that I still like me, caught my attention by the sound of her voice. On the first day of classes on this new university, I was sitting down outside of a classroom waiting for the previous class to finish. A couple of minutes later, she shows up. There is something in her face. She doesn't have green eyes, but I still can't help but look at her eyes. I avoid eye contact so I don't look creepy, but I can't help but look at her. A friend of hers got there, and they started talking, and from the minute I heard her voice, I was hook. I wasn't listening into the conversation, but something about the way she expressed herself kept her inside of my thoughts.

To the moment, I still think about the previous girl. I really wish I didn't like her anymore, but I can't help it (She's an ENFJ.... same as my ex). Her outspoken way, her way of trying to convince everyone, her way of trying to get my attention when I show no signs of wanting to give it to her. It's bad

It's bad because this is a pattern I have followed way before them, and I know who they are reminding me of... I fall for the outspoken, leading and smart women. I love a woman who can teach me something new, or a woman who will develop my knowledge of something I don't know into something interesting. I love a girl who can be attracted into what I can teach her, and think I'm cute when I get excited about the geekiest stuff.

These are some patterns. There are so many to number... feel free to ask me about what other patterns I have found, or to talk further about a certain one.

EDIT 1 : AY! I just re-read this, now that I'm sober, and one can tell I was not making a lot of sense with my written form of expression...


----------



## TurranMC (Sep 15, 2009)

Thanks for the post Jorge. We'll talk about it on ventrilo because as said I don't wanna cloud the responses. We need more of those by the way! Responses that is.


----------



## Perseus (Mar 7, 2009)

I find very few people (girls, women) I am attracted to. So when I go for compromises it all goes awry. I have decided I would prefer to be alone than with someone I don't really like.

Females I am attracted to are usually ENFPs and they are always attached. This is the big difficulty.


----------



## entperson (Sep 14, 2009)

Mind Marauder said:


> I've not met anyone with a personality that has truly shocked or amazed me. All human action fails to surprise me. I guess if I could ever meet a person that would be outside of my realm of thought in such a genuine and honest way, I would be attracted to that person. Really I answered your original question, just not in the way you thought. I talked about looks. Really that's all I have to be attracted to be because most people have dull personalities. They are slaves to their pathetic desires. If I could just find ONE girl who looked physically beautiful but was an honest and unique person, as I said, I would be attracted to that. Have I been attracted to those I didn't want to be? Yes, but only because of their looks. When I realized who they truly were I quickly eliminated my desire. As far as forcing myself to be attracted to someone who I think I should be attracted to goes, why would I? That is completely unnatural. If I like someone (for whatever reason) then I will like them. If I don't like someone (even if the rest of the world can do nothing but be enslaved to them and sing their praises) then I don't like them.


You should call me :wink::crazy:

As for the OP, I've never tried, nor had the desire, to change what I'm attracted to. Individuality and intelligence are my two biggest factors. There's much more, I'm not sure I could really pin point it or put it into words though. I have felt like I should be attracted to someone but wasn't, at the same time I've been physically attracted to people I absolutely could not stand. That went away as soon as they opened their mouths.


----------

