# I screwed up - Any advice for dealing with insecurities?



## OrangeLeaf (Apr 13, 2013)

Hi, I'm an INFP newbie and this is my first thread!  *throws confetti* I'd like some input on a personal problem I'm working on.

Recently, my insecurities have driven me absolutely insane and have lead me to irrational anger. I've officially driven away a friend I care about, possibly permanently, because of my fears of abandonment and my overall issues with trust. They aren't usually very prominent in my everyday life, but the person I care for is in a completely different time zone, which feeds the beasts with all sorts of appetizingly paranoid thoughts. Although he seemed perfectly civil and understanding in his response, I don't expect him to forgive me for what I've said to him. God knows I probably wouldn't. And in case you were wondering, yes I had feelings for this friend. And no, he didn't know. He still doesn't know, and probably never will. 

So, my question to you is: how can I prevent these insecure thoughts and feelings from destroying my relationships? I'm afraid that even when I do find myself in a romantic relationship irl (I've been close to one, but never actually in one), I'll react in a similar way. I really don't want to be the clingy/psycho girlfriend that every guy complains about. I just go into this endless worry spiral and I feel like I can't yank myself out...and then I get frustrated and project all of these self-inflicted wounds onto others. It's horrible, and I really want to find ways to work on it. I can't let myself keep acting this way.  Any advice would be sincerely appreciated!


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

I suggest you consider how you would act if you didn't have any insecurities. Try that until it no longer seems like you have to anymore.


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## DAPHNE XO (Jan 16, 2012)

OrangeLeaf said:


> So, my question to you is: how can I prevent these insecure thoughts and feelings from destroying my relationships?


If you're looking for a pill fix, try taking a dopamine precursor and serotonin one too if your _not_ taking any SSRI's or MAOI's. I take L-Phenylalanine and L-Tryptophan. Awesome. They make me feel awesome.

And although the buzz wore off after about a week, I still don't get nowhere near the amount of anxiety I used to get.

I take 2 x 500mg of each one everyday (or try to at least).


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## Aquamarine (Jul 24, 2011)

I have been through all that before and I know how you feel. Here's the three steps to overcoming your insecurities.

Firstly, identify what makes you feel insecure. By knowing your enemy (your insecurity), this is half the battle won.
Secondly, look for the source of these insecurities. It could be from a past event or something that you heard from someone else's experience. Once you identify its source, get rid of it.
Thirdly, if you are mentally prepared for the worst and hoping for the best, let him know how you feel. However, there may be a risk of losing him as a friend. Otherwise, you have to accept that you will remain as his platonic friend.

It's not as easy as it sounds, but you can definitely succeed if you are determined enough to overcome it. Good luck and all the best!


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## yet another intj (Feb 10, 2013)

OrangeLeaf said:


> So, my question to you is: how can I prevent these insecure thoughts and feelings from destroying my relationships?


You can't, insecurity always destroy relationships.



OrangeLeaf said:


> I'm afraid that even when I do find myself in a romantic relationship irl (I've been close to one, but never actually in one), I'll react in a similar way. I really don't want to be the clingy/psycho girlfriend that every guy complains about. I just go into this endless worry spiral and I feel like I can't yank myself out...and then I get frustrated and project all of these self-inflicted wounds onto others.


You are young. Don't hesitate to make didactic mistakes, it's the first step of growing up.



OrangeLeaf said:


> It's horrible, and I really want to find ways to work on it. I can't let myself keep acting this way.  Any advice would be sincerely appreciated!


Just hang in there and "please" don't be systematically cruel to yourself. Your feelings and ideas will be dramatically different in next 5-10 years. You will learn to love and trust yourself, then everything will be mysteriously easier about others.


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## OrangeLeaf (Apr 13, 2013)

Thank you everyone!  I really appreciate the responses.


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## AriesLilith (Jan 6, 2013)

Hmm I think that there is a degree of insecurity that can be acceptable, insecurities are common feelings and I'd find it silly if anyone makes it seem like too big of a deal (unless it's too much of course). If the insecurity is not much but a person is simply belittling it, then he/she would probably show little concern/sensitivity towards any negative feelings or feelings he/she doesn't agree with. This is actually another sign of immaturity.

You have to reflect on why do you feel insecure? How much does it affect you and your future relationships? For example, I was insecure when I started dating my husband. Being my first time dating, I was not really knowing how relationships truly works, so that I was insecure when things didn't fit what I expected. For example, he was not as expressive as me, so it made me wonder if he really loved me, since I thought expressiveness = love. I was not controlling or too demanding of course, but I did express my insecurities. My husband on the other hand cared to assure his feelings for me, and I gradually felt more and more secure.
It is ok if you have some insecurities about yourself or if you can have a good relationship, or about your partner's feelings, as long as they are not too strong that makes you become too controlling that you wouldn't allow him to have friends or have some free time, or make unfair demands with little concern about his feelings or blame him for it (unless he does things that gives you reasons to be insecure). It should be ok to express how you feel to your partner. He might not be able to give proper support at first, but you both can work things out together.  It's not that other people are responsible for our happiness and negative stuffs, but if a partner can't even tolerate something that it's not really a big deal, or belittles it and gives no concern, then he/she is just not mature enough for a serious relationship. Coz people are flawed, and we are all just human beings.


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## OrangeLeaf (Apr 13, 2013)

Thank you for responding!  



AriesLilith said:


> Being my first time dating, I was not really knowing how relationships truly works, so that I was insecure when things didn't fit what I expected. For example, he was not as expressive as me, so it made me wonder if he really loved me, since I thought expressiveness = love.


That's pretty much how I felt. According to the Love Languages, I feel loved and cared for through quality time. When I felt that he was ignoring me, I began to panic and wonder if we were still friends or not. And then I bottled up those feelings and, well, the rest is regrettable history. :frustrating:



> It is ok if you have some insecurities about yourself or if you can have a good relationship, or about your partner's feelings, as long as they are not too strong that makes you become too controlling that you wouldn't allow him to have friends or have some free time, or make unfair demands with little concern about his feelings or blame him for it (unless he does things that gives you reasons to be insecure).


I would never want him to give up his life for me. In fact, that's part of the reason why I haven't revealed my feelings towards him - I don't like the idea of asking him to basically give up any potential relationships with women in his actual state in exchange for an online relationship with me that probably won't turn into anything. So, it made more sense to me to just keep my mouth shut and not say anything about it.



> It should be ok to express how you feel to your partner. He might not be able to give proper support at first, but you both can work things out together.  It's not that other people are responsible for our happiness and negative stuffs, but if a partner can't even tolerate something that it's not really a big deal, or belittles it and gives no concern, then he/she is just not mature enough for a serious relationship. Coz people are flawed, and we are all just human beings.


I'm just afraid my initial indignant rant may have burned that bridge already with this guy. But you're right, and I'll keep that in mind for future relationships. Sometimes I just feel like my emotions are automatically invalid and deserve to be suppressed which makes things quite horrendous. If I see my insecurity as a challenge instead of a weakness, maybe I'll be able to control it a bit better and more open to sharing these insecurities with others. :happy:


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## Dr.Horrible (Jul 12, 2012)

help others around you who are in need of help always


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## Shabby (Feb 14, 2013)

OrangeLeaf said:


> So, my question to you is: how can I prevent these insecure thoughts and feelings from destroying my relationships? I'm afraid that even when I do find myself in a romantic relationship irl (I've been close to one, but never actually in one), I'll react in a similar way. I really don't want to be the clingy/psycho girlfriend that every guy complains about. I just go into this endless worry spiral and I feel like I can't yank myself out...and then I get frustrated and project all of these self-inflicted wounds onto others. It's horrible, and I really want to find ways to work on it. I can't let myself keep acting this way.  Any advice would be sincerely appreciated!


Insecurity issues can eat away at you. Of course, you need to be able to identify exactly where your insecurities lie. Being honest with yourself and anyone you may be interested in is a hard feat to accomplish. Discuss your insecurity with yourself. What is it? 
and after you have understood what your insecurities are and where they stem from... you can then attempt to discuss this as honestly as possible with your friend, partner, etc.. 

We all have insecurities in some aspect of our life. So... no judgement there! The idea is to be able to communicate it as openly as possible with those who care about you and vice versa in order to avoid these kinds of situations. Your frustration stems from your inability to properly open up about these things. So take a 'time out', think about it, and think about ways that you can speak of your insecurities in a way where you are comfortable and don't feel like you are putting yourself in an awkward position. 

At the end of the day, those who are interested in remaining in your life, will be there whether you have the most complicated insecurities in the world or not. You just need to stop pushing people away and try to allow yourself to be more honest about the way certain things make you feel rather than just jumping to conclusions that ultimately will hurt you.


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## AriesLilith (Jan 6, 2013)

OrangeLeaf said:


> Thank you for responding!
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Hmm maybe you are confused as you never had this kind of relationship, so you don't know how to deal it and your own feelings? You like him, but since it's an online relationship and you don't know how he actually feels about you, you don't want to seem clingy or forcing, yet your feelings are growing strong.

Only suppressing feelings can only make it worse, maybe you want him to feel the same and consider a relationship, but you feel that it's not a good idea to ask him to have a relationship with you and then you feel that it's a bad thing to let him know about your feelings and insecurities. This can generate feelings that seemed out of place and illogical, like how you feel insecure when he was not responding, yet there is a reason behind and it is coz you like him and you are insecure if he feels the same. It's important to acknowledge your own feelings, and then reflect on how reasonable they are and how you should act upon them. But you must be honest about it. Of course, it doesn't mean that we should simply act as we feel without regard of other people, but then we should acknowledge how we feel as part of ourselves and not feel ashamed with our own feelings.

Hmm do you guys live far away from each other? Are there chances to meet in the real life? Do you think that if he really feel the same, then is this relationship possible?
Also, another thing that is important is that it's easier to idealize when we meet someone online, since we can only present our best sides and we can't see how the other person is in the real life.
But if you do like him and you do have a good friendship and bond, and that he seems understanding, then maybe you can be honest about your own feelings to him. You can tell him that you understand if he might not feel the same, but you like him so sometimes you feel insecure about certain things.

Also, maybe you ca try to read about other people's stories about long distance relationships, to see how they are or can be, and see if this is what you really want.


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