# Life as a grown-up - thoughts?



## The Proof (Aug 5, 2009)

So I'm 28 years old, I got a job as an engineer making OK money in a major city in Europe, traveling abroad from time to time on business.

My parents have started pressuring me to:
1) Get an apartment, at least a two-bedroom (right now I rent a tiny flat that I like, in the city)
2) Get married and start making babies

Suddenly, ever since the winter holidays last year when I went back home to my parents for a while, life feels much worse, much harder to bear.

I'm not having fun anymore, everything seems tasteless, bland. Every day is just... coffee and cigarettes to get to the end. Actually the only fun I have is at work, the rest is... hard to bear.

The apartment search is grueling and disappointing, a source of constant stress. To afford a two-bedroom I'd have to get a hefty loan with long-term interest, or move to the edge of town where there is mud/construction sites and the train station is far away. I really don't like it...

Actually I'd like to get a small 1-bedroom like I have now in the city but I have only heard one person I know in favour of it, everyone else (parents, co-workers, others) says I should get a bigger flat and that I will eventually want one.

But I hate that idea. And I don't want to move to the damn city limits and live next to the giant building they fix trains in just to afford a bigger flat!

My mother is totally intractable and beyond reason. My father is oscillating between my solution (small cheap flat) and my mother's (larger, more expensive flat). 

It's, quite realistically, draining the life out of me.

When did life get this hard? When did I become so miserable? I was so looking forward to this year...

I'm not even sure I want to get married, I don't have a fiancee or girlfriend. And the thought of marriage and having kids is... wow - 18 years of no sleep and slavery for someone who is ungrateful.

It just seems like I was enjoying life up to about December, now I'm a grown-up, I feel like a grown-up, acquaintances tell me I look older, it's getting harder to crawl out of bed in the morning.

_Should I resign myself to my fate and willfully become a slave (marriage, kids), or tell them all to shove it (more or less)?
_
I feel like I need a break but cannot get one.

Thank you.


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## Bassmasterzac (Jun 6, 2014)

Why the hell are your parents pressuring you when you're 28? I could understand maybe a nudging encouragement, but it's not really their business. You don't HAVE to move anywhere (as long as you have your own bachelor pad) and you don't have to go get married. Stop being so influenced by other people in your life. I don't care who they are. You claim that you feel 'grown-up' now, but you can't even make your own decisions.

Let's put this in perspective. Is your life really all that bad? You have a successful job that you enjoy... you're already more content with your life than half of the world at least. Now you're complaining that if you're not working, you're miserable? Simple solution here. Get a hobby. Go out and have some fun. Meet some new people. Do a handstand on a jet ski. Wrestle alligators. Play the guitar with your teeth. Swing from tree to tree in the woods with a loin cloth making gorilla noises. Start up a competitive airsoft team. Whatever interests you.

You're only making this hard on yourself. It sounds like you're either experiencing depression or on the rise of a quarter-life-crisis. Take a chill pill and take a vacation from your _problems_. Life is good my friend. Keep it simple. Do what YOU want to do. You're young, you can literally do WHATEVER you want.

Just a sidenote: My uncle is currently 40 years old who is also an engineer. He has no trouble meeting women, yet he is not married. He also likes his job, but is not fully satisfied with it. Now he is going back to school to get a higher degree and become a college professor. He is a happy guy and he is in control of his own destiny - just like you are.


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## MonkOnAcid (Jan 9, 2015)

You are a grown man, your parents are not the ones to decide for you anymore. Options given by your parents should not become stressors, rather just possibilites.

From what is written it would appear that you are content with your place and other than your parents there are no more external sources to commit to the idea of moving. If you are strongly devoted to the notion of no family than making large investments and reducing your quality of life for 2bedrooms apartment, just for pleasing your mother, would appear as a doubtful choice, at least, from where I am standing. Then considering 1bedroom apartment with a possibly better location would indeed make more sense. 

On the other hand, it seems that you perceive family as nothing but black. Of course argument could easily be made that family life brings challenges, yet with them comes purpose. Which would possibly colour, what would appear, your mundane exsistence. Again, from where I am standing.

What would appear that you could really use is a hobby. It is indeed depressing to read that work is the only highlight of your life, even rockstars and athletes need to run away from their occupations every now and then. Hobby is one way of escaping, depending on particular hobby you could find a break everyday or, at least, few times a week and for a Ne user new hobbies are exceptionally beneficial :happy:


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## Fear Itself (Feb 20, 2013)

There is absolutely no shame in not wanting to rush out to get married and have kids. Seriously, your parents have no actual say in that decision. it's not like that's the mystical key to happiness or fulfillment (at least not for everybody). Find what makes _you_ excited and happy to be alive, not what makes everyone else happy. At least you have a job that you enjoy! That's more than many people can say. 

Also, I don't see what getting a bigger flat is going to do for you at this point in your life. Why rush to put money into something you don't need/maybe can't afford? In the nicest, most respectful way possible... just tell your parents to shove it. You seem to be doing fine as you are now, sounds like they're the ones stressing you out. Go ahead and get that one-bedroom place in the city you want. Why not?


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## Sourpuss (Aug 9, 2014)

Tell your parents to piss off and live wherever and however you want.

If a tiny flat is all you need and you like the location then stay there. You are an adult. Your parents cannot tell you what to do nor should they. It's your life and your decision.

If you aren't ready or interested in having a family then don't have one. You'd just be even more miserable if you forced yourself into one when you never wanted it in the first place and the innocent children and spouse would suffer as well.


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## Wulfex (Oct 9, 2014)

Do what you want to do. I mean, it's great to have your parents wanting you to achieve what THEY think is the best for you, but you just need to do your own thing. Your parents don't control your money and most of all I doubt they would care much as long as your happy. Sounds like another case of "My parents don't understand my generation".

I feel much the same way about everything else. Not sure what to tell you about that, I'm younger so you tell me! lol


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## PowerShell (Feb 3, 2013)

Ignore them and do what you will. They are in a completely different mentality. I run into it all the time with my parents and the fact I actually broke the unwritten rule of Wisconsin of moving more than 50 miles from where you're born (I have 1 uncle who lives in Louisiana and everyone else from both my mom and dad's side of the family live within a 20 mile radius of the small town of 19,000 in the middle of nowhere Wisconsin). The thing is no matter what you do is wrong to their standards so make yourself happy and take that happiness and be successful. The annoying thing is when you do succeed, they'll act like they supported you 100% of the way, when in reality they put up the most resistance to the path you had to take to achieve that success. Regardless, it's your life. Live it for yourself.


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## Splash Shin (Apr 7, 2011)

You are a grown up now. Don't listen to your parents. Don't live for them. don't live to fulfill their ideals. Do what YOU want.

If they nag you for it, so be it. stop talking to them if they cant accept you living your own life.


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## Palefina (Jan 22, 2015)

Tell them to shove it. 

You're an adult now, in charge of your own decisions. There is absolutely no reason they should have any say in the kind of apartment you should have or your marital status. If you are happy with a smaller place, good for you. Not looking for a relationship? Not a problem. You can't let yourself be miserable for the sake of others. It's no way to live a life.


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## Fleetfoot (May 9, 2011)

Well, for starters, I hope you're not even entertaining the thought of starting a family with that attitude. If you don't want to, don't. It's not your parents' life. It's yours, and starting a family is too much of a sacrifice to do for someone else. You should settle if that's what you desire. Life's too short to settle, though.

Have you looked into other potential apartments? Maybe living with more people, since it's cheaper that way for the time being? Craigslist is a great place to start, regardless of it's...past. 

Remember, you're an adult. A young adult. Who needs a break. Take one when you find the opportunity.


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## aendern (Dec 28, 2013)

Your parents should be grateful you still talk to them. Give them a wake up call and let them know that. 

If they start disrespecting you and telling you how to live your life, you don't have to put up with them anymore. It's very easy to cut off communication. Very easy.


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## spylass (Jan 25, 2014)

Tell them to shove it. 
It's your party, you can do what you want to. Upholding social standards for the sake of it ruins too many people's lives. 
If you don't want to do something unnecessary then don't do it.


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## Modal Soul (Jun 16, 2013)

this shit sucks and i hate it and i want to kill myself


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## Lord Bullingdon (Aug 9, 2014)

I feel exactly the same as you, and I'm even older.

I'll give you my reflections / commiserate with you below:



The Proof said:


> My parents have started pressuring me to:
> 1) Get an apartment, at least a two-bedroom (right now I rent a tiny flat that I like, in the city)
> 2) Get married and start making babies


Hey. I live in a dorm room. All I possess is a single suitcase and its contents, some ennegram books, and whatever I can fit on my bed. I have a few thousand in the bank...and that's my life.

I recently lived in a third world country where just surviving the day was often lucky, and I can tell you, I'm pretty damn grateful for all I have.

Having kids is out of the question, and there are a lot of social and economic reasons not to do so right now.




> Suddenly, ever since the winter holidays last year when I went back home to my parents for a while, life feels much worse, much harder to bear.


Well, parents can suck and be stifling. I can't imagine moving back in with mine.

But I want you to feel grateful that you even have that option. My parents...well, we're estranged. And I think back how nice it would be to go back to the old days when I could talk to them, live with them, and have them take care of stuff for me. Enjoy the support while you have it.



> I'm not having fun anymore, everything seems tasteless, bland. Every day is just... coffee and cigarettes to get to the end. Actually the only fun I have is at work, the rest is... hard to bear.


Well I'm at work literally 24/7, and I long for time off. I think I've worked every day for most of the last 7 or so months. And it's utterly futile. And there's no better future, it's just doing this every day till I'm too old to function. Be glad you can change your circumstances!!



> The apartment search is grueling and disappointing, a source of constant stress. To afford a two-bedroom I'd have to get a hefty loan with long-term interest, or move to the edge of town where there is mud/construction sites and the train station is far away. I really don't like it...
> 
> Actually I'd like to get a small 1-bedroom like I have now in the city but I have only heard one person I know in favour of it, everyone else (parents, co-workers, others) says I should get a bigger flat and that I will eventually want one.


Well if they're expecting you to front the money, they're going to have to accept the economic choices you make.



> My mother is totally intractable and beyond reason. My father is oscillating between my solution (small cheap flat) and my mother's (larger, more expensive flat).
> 
> It's, quite realistically, draining the life out of me.


Serious question, and no offense: What's wrong with them? Why are they living vicariously through you?

I think you should arrange your own circumstances, and just sort of ignore them beyond a symbolic nod. If you have to save up, that will at least get you some time.



> I'm not even sure I want to get married, I don't have a fiancee or girlfriend. And the thought of marriage and having kids is... wow - 18 years of no sleep and slavery for someone who is ungrateful.


STRONGLY STRONGLY AGREED. You'd have to be interested in either, leaving a genetic legacy on this earth, or the joy of watching someone grow and develop. If you find those unrewarding options, perhaps children aren't right for you.



> _Should I resign myself to my fate and willfully become a slave (marriage, kids), or tell them all to shove it (more or less)?
> _


Now I understand that family is an important value for many and their considerations should be taken into account, but I'm on the "shove it" side of the debate.



> I feel like I need a break but cannot get one.


Me too. Best of luck.


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## Modal Soul (Jun 16, 2013)

@The Typeless Wonder i, too, am a typeless wonder

more like a typeless wanderer though


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## Lord Bullingdon (Aug 9, 2014)

Modal Soul said:


> @The Typeless Wonder i, too, am a typeless wonder
> 
> more like a typeless wanderer though


Ah, yeah, I'm a wanderer too. Been living out of my suitcase for the last 5 years.


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## Modal Soul (Jun 16, 2013)

The Typeless Wonder said:


> Ah, yeah, I'm a wanderer too. Been living out of my suitcase for the last 5 years.


oh i didn't even notice your signature... so NFP, eh? how sure about that are you?

being an enigma is fun but sometimes i wish someone would just fucking type me


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## Lord Bullingdon (Aug 9, 2014)

Modal Soul said:


> oh i didn't even notice your signature... so NFP, eh? how sure about that are you?
> 
> being an enigma is fun but sometimes i wish someone would just fucking type me


I'm SURE I'm an xNxP. I know there's Ne use, I _think_ there's Fi use. Typeless refers more to enneagram, and it's mainly a joke. Though, ambiguities remain about my type.


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## Modal Soul (Jun 16, 2013)

The Typeless Wonder said:


> I'm SURE I'm an xNxP. I know there's Ne use, I _think_ there's Fi use. Typeless refers more to enneagram, and it's mainly a joke. Though, ambiguities remain about my type.


i thought the same for myself but the more time i spend here the less i see myself as a dominant or auxilary Ne user. maybe i am though who knows

that's interesting! i got the joke part but i figured there might be some truth to the title. i mean, there usually is, eh?


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## Lord Bullingdon (Aug 9, 2014)

Modal Soul said:


> i thought the same for myself but the more time i spend here the less i see myself as a dominant or auxilary Ne user. maybe i am though who knows
> 
> that's interesting! i got the joke part but i figured there might be some truth to the title. i mean, there usually is, eh?


At the risk of further derailing this thread, yes, there's a large measure of truth to it.


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## Modal Soul (Jun 16, 2013)

The Typeless Wonder said:


> At the risk of further derailing this thread, yes, there's a large measure of truth to it.


wait what is this thread even about


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## PowerShell (Feb 3, 2013)

Modal Soul said:


> wait what is this thread even about


What life is like as a grown up most likely compared to how we expected it being as a kid. In reality, it's kind of boring and people really get boring as they get older.


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