# ENFJs - do you feel lonely sometimes?



## ThirdArcade (Aug 1, 2010)

Hello fellow ENFJs, 

Lately I have been experience feelings of loneliness. I am fortunate to have close friends from all walks of life, a wonderful and loving relationship with my INFP sister and continue to grow my circle through friends from University. Yet, I often feel lonely. You really wouldn't think that upon meeting me. Like most ENFJs, I am very interested in getting to know people, enjoy helping others (I am studying to be a teacher), and can easily walk into any room and engage in conversation with just about anyone. I've been described as a "happy, intense, sure, positive person with lots of energy. Sometimes a bit hard on myself". Others have told me that I "have strong commanding presence about myself". I am well-liked by others & have not experienced outright dislike from anyone. 

_Problem is..._

I long for a deep, authentic and affectionate relationship with someone of the opposite sex. I have never truly experienced this (I am 26 btw). I often find that guys (and girls) tend to enjoy my company because I am very straight-forward, sure, and confident in myself. I come across intelligent and well-put together. For example, my ENFP friend said I am like Dr. Bailey from Grey's Anatomy (maybe a little softer version). 




I imagine that guys like being around me because I am a strong lady with somewhat non-traditional viewpoints. I like to look deeper into issues, look to understand people, and of late, have worked on practicing a non-judgement, flexible and open-minded individual (life has been such that I have sort of developed these qualities over time). Yet, I have yet to meet a guy who _really_ appreciates these qualities about me & wants to be in a relationship with me. :sad:

I project this aura of happiness & positivity, but on some days, few and far between, I begin to feel really lonely. It is funny that I feel this way, because by definition, I have a lot of people around me that bring so much to my life. Yet, I do long for a loving relationship with a guy.

Anyone else feel like this? Is this a common ENFJ thing? What do you do about it?

Thanks! Appreciate any advice my fellow ENFJs can provide.


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## Ryosuke93 (Feb 29, 2012)

I can feel this way too. I read that being NF makes us long for "romance" and a "soul mate", so perhaps this is where these emotions come from. I'm not confident about the advice I will give on what to do about it because I am in the same boat. I personally just hope that person is out there somewhere and we will meet one day. 

I think continuing to be true to who you are, while striving to be the best person you can be, will attract the one you're hoping for one day. I truly believe there are guys out there who appreciate a nice and strong girl. They may be rare, but they are out there.

People may suggest going out more, being involved in clubs, or things like that...which makes sense too. But I have a belief that love doesn't really come if you are actively searching for it...rather it just happens and then it is up to the couple to make it work. I could be wrong, though.


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## SilentScream (Mar 31, 2011)

Yeah. From experience I can say that I have a tendency to feel _extremely_ lonely / misunderstood / isolated / disconnected from the self and others. 

I could be swimming in a sea of acquaintances and going through the "motions" of friendships - one after the other - being the best I can possibly be and wanting to feel the best I would want to feel but for whatever reason that kind of connection alluded me. I have found new love and she completes me in a way that others have never been able to do so. But I realized that she's not supposed to nor required to *fix* everything or take care of everything. That would be unfair on her because a lot of how I feel is my own responsibility and not someone else's. 

In the end, I realized that I was lonely mainly because I _feel_ lonely and not because I _am_ lonely. And so I realized that I have to live with this feeling and still make the best of what I already have. I view my emotional turmoils and mental weaknesses like scars that are going to be there. I had a thought yesterday that if I have certain physical short-comings like body scars etc that I can learn to live with without feeling bad about them all the time, I can sort of live with my negative feelings the same way. I realized that the more I fight negative thoughts, the worse it becomes because negativity is just there like any physical scar. If I can't get rid of my scars and learn to live with them, then I decided that I'm going to live with my negative emotional state as well. Instead of it debilitating me further, I can just leave it there and still continue to walk through life till hopefully one day I have enough real things in my life that I don't feel the burden of the negative emotions weighing me down. 

I know it sounds easier said than done - but I'm hoping that perhaps this new attitude may help me ease into just accepting life and circumstances.


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## ENTJam (Nov 15, 2010)

ThirdArcade said:


> Yet, I have yet to meet a guy who _really_ appreciates these qualities about me & wants to be in a relationship with me. :sad:


Are you kidding me? I'd (try to) date the first ENFJ I've ever met without hesitation... actually, I'd be scared to ruin the friendship. Maybe that's what the other person is thinking?


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## jungify (Jan 22, 2012)

goguapsy said:


> Are you kidding me? I'd (try to) date the first ENFJ I've ever met without hesitation... actually, I'd be scared to ruin the friendship. Maybe that's what the other person is thinking?


Funny you mention that -- that's often how I feel in a relationship. It ends up becoming a self fulfilling prophecy though if you focus on it. Trust me.


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## ENTJam (Nov 15, 2010)

jungify said:


> Funny you mention that -- that's often how I feel in a relationship. It ends up becoming a self fulfilling prophecy though if you focus on it. Trust me.


As in, "go for it"?

The difference is that the ENFJ doesn't like me that way hahaha.


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## jungify (Jan 22, 2012)

goguapsy said:


> As in, "go for it"?
> 
> The difference is that the ENFJ doesn't like me that way hahaha.


Oh, no, as in being scared you'll ruin the relationship. If you focus on that aspect, you will in fact ruin it. The fun will get sucked out of the relationship because you're more concerned with not fucking things up than just having a good time.


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## ENTJam (Nov 15, 2010)

@jungify

Thanks. That's a good thought.


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