# The voice inside my head is telling me to leave my boyfriend



## ENFPie (Oct 7, 2010)

EskimoFox said:


> Hey now, random acts of optimism never counts as spam.... however defending said acts probably does.... and tiresomely reiterating as a dull attempt at humor certainly is....:tongue:


*Pie is rethinking that friend request* :wink:

:tongue::tongue:


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## cynthiuhhh (Oct 10, 2010)

I feel that way, too. Like he wants to talk tome but doesn't know how. 
And its odd cause he's really good at helping others, but somehow he doesn't know how to handle his own problems. 

But I did have a big talk with him last night, told him what was going on and why I think I feel this way. He told me that he's not going anywhere, and asked me if I was happy with him. I told him yes, of course. He told me we'll just work through this. And I really do think our relationship is worth saving. So I'll just have to find a way to get through this rough patch. 

As for his dad, he's super nice up front, but seems to talk shit as soon as I leave. Which I find very immature for a 50 year old man. It just keeps causing unnecessary drama. 

Thank you for the reply


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## cynthiuhhh (Oct 10, 2010)

I truly don't know why his dad is constantly butting in. He is quite the downer, and I didn't know any of it until recently. He's very nice to my face, and seemed like a good man when I first met him. But he is very negative, and doesn't believe in any of his kids. My boyfriend's 19, the youngest, and his older siblings have all made stupid decisions and taken a wrong path. So it's almost as if his dad expect the same out of him, which stresses him out. He's always bringing my boyfriend down for no reason and it bothers him, and me. I mean, as a parent, aren't you supposed to support your kids, no matter what they choose to do? 

But yes, he does still live at home. We looked into appartments, but since we want to go to Europe next year, he decided that staying at home would be the best way to save up the most. He still has to pay rent, but it's much, much cheaper than any appartment. His parents are great, and I get along with all his family very well. I just wish his dad would back off, and show a little bit more support. He thinks I'm completely controlling my boyfriend, and trying to keep his broke so he can't leave for Europe. It's complete crap. I'm not a controlling person AT all, far from it, and I know how much Europe means to him, so I would never try to keep him from going. 

Ha, don't worry about all the questions. I didn't do a very good job at explaining everything in my first post, so I understand. And your advice is very appreciated !


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## Agile (Sep 27, 2010)

That is so amazing! I'm so happy you had the talk and things worked out so well. Your BF like me is a type 9, which means he thrives for peace and harmony everywhere - whether it be school/work, family, relationships. And yes we are completely selfless and have a more difficult time in solving our problems vs the needs of others. We make excellent mediators because we can take both sides, however this gets us into trouble when external environments conflict with one another (ie. his Dad and your relationship). With regards to communication, he needs a perception of trust for him to communicate his feelings, since if he perceives conflict he would put on the happy mask and will say everything is fine. Your BF is me 5 years ago, and I have learned these lessons after some failed relationships. Overtime I learned to communicate even if I perceive it will ruffle a little feathers - however it is still difficult, and its helpful to have a partner that can penetrate my wall sometimes.

With regards to the Dad - ughh! I really dislike passive aggressive behavior. They are strongly influenced by what is called projection. 

From wikipedia:
is a psychological defense mechanism where a person unconsciously denies their own attributes, thoughts, and emotions, which are then ascribed to the outside world, such as to the weather, or to other people. Thus, it involves imagining or projecting that others have those feelings.[1]

As an example meaning if I am angry with you, I will believe you are angry at me and it becomes a downward spiral. With passive aggressive people I work overtime in order to contradict their beliefs. But this is quite possibly the hardest people to deal with, particularly if you have a relationship with someone they love so much.

I wish you all the best!


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## cynthiuhhh (Oct 10, 2010)

Thank you  
I am very happy that he is so understanding, and that I can talk to him about anything. I'm a very shy person, and just learned recently how to open up and talk about the things that bother me. The first time we dated, the both of us failed at communicating. And although I've grown a lot since then, I'm still afraid of opening up and saying whats on my mind. I was really scared that things wouldn't go smoothly, cause truly, this isn't something pleasant to hear, especially from the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. But he was very understanding, and though I know he doesn't like seeing me this way, he's sure that this is only a phase and that we will work our way through this together. It reassures me a lot that he feels that way. 

But, the feeling is still there. And I don't know how to handle it. Most of the time I can block it out when I'm with him. He's very loud and energetic, so there's always something else happening that keeps me from going to that place in my head. I feel so safe when I'm laying in his arms, like nothing can touch me and that everything is going to be alright. But as soon as he leaves, or even just fall asleep and I'm still awake, the feeling creeps back and takes over everything and I end up crying. I wish I could just block it, or ignore it. He can't be here, by my side every moment of the day to help me, and I just want to know how to deal with it when I'm away from him. 

His dad is just an issue of its own. I think that he needs to stop being so negative, because everything he says is like he's trying to discourage my boyfriend, practically telling him he's going to fail at everything he tries. My boyfriend is very stubborn and will keep at whatever he sets his mind to, but I'm afraid that if his dad keeps picking at him, that he'll just end up cracking. When you're told something and brought down all the time, you start to believe it. 

I really can't wait for this entire situation, or phase, or whatever this is to be done with. I just want everything to go back to how they were a few days ago, so that my relationship with the love of my life can keep growing.


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## firedell (Aug 5, 2009)

Filo said:


> It took me about 3 lines to start thinking: RUN!!


I agree. Like it has been said, he doesn't seem stable enough to have a serious relationship.


EDIT: NEVERMIND.


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## cynthiuhhh (Oct 10, 2010)

firedell said:


> EDIT: NEVERMIND.


Haha. I'm guessing you'd only read the main post at first? 
I did a pretty bad job at describing him in there. I would have ended up with a novel if I would have done so.


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## Agile (Sep 27, 2010)

cynthiuhhh said:


> Thank you
> I am very happy that he is so understanding, and that I can talk to him about anything. I'm a very shy person, and just learned recently how to open up and talk about the things that bother me. The first time we dated, the both of us failed at communicating. And although I've grown a lot since then, I'm still afraid of opening up and saying whats on my mind. I was really scared that things wouldn't go smoothly, cause truly, this isn't something pleasant to hear, especially from the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. But he was very understanding, and though I know he doesn't like seeing me this way, he's sure that this is only a phase and that we will work our way through this together. It reassures me a lot that he feels that way.
> 
> But, the feeling is still there. And I don't know how to handle it. Most of the time I can block it out when I'm with him. He's very loud and energetic, so there's always something else happening that keeps me from going to that place in my head. I feel so safe when I'm laying in his arms, like nothing can touch me and that everything is going to be alright. But as soon as he leaves, or even just fall asleep and I'm still awake, the feeling creeps back and takes over everything and I end up crying. I wish I could just block it, or ignore it. He can't be here, by my side every moment of the day to help me, and I just want to know how to deal with it when I'm away from him.
> ...


I think its very natural to feel the way you do, as fear results when you have something you don't want to lose and you can conquer it when you perceive you have nothing to lose. Fear often results in a self-fulfilling prophecy so I agree that taking steps to not feel this way when he is not around will help the relationship.

I don't have the easy answers, but when I felt the way you do I focused on areas outside the relationship - like friends, meetups, or get into subjects you are passionate about. This may help establish a little independence, but not too much so that you drift apart. Some people manipulate their fear by controlling their thoughts - just say to yourself you have nothing to lose. However, easier said than done, and sometimes it's better to embrace your emotions than hide it with thoughts. Just some thoughts and ideas.


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## cynthiuhhh (Oct 10, 2010)

I'm fairly good at blocking them out during the day. Its been hard since it started cause I've been completely home alone from morning til 8, 9pm so I had nothing to do BUT sit here and over think everything. But I try and concentrate on music, or clean so that my mind doesn't start drifting back. It's th hardest in the morning after he leaves for work. I'm super tired, and want nothing but to go back to bed in his arms and end up in a cold empty bed. So that sucks, but it's not as intense as it was before, so it must be getting better? 

My friend went through a sort of same situation with her fiance a while ago. Not the same situation, but she had the same feelings as I'm having. He'd gone away for work and they barely talked for two months, and because of that she'd started distancing herself from him, expecting the worse. and for two months she had nothing to do but sit there and over think her feelings, which ended making her doubt her feelings for him. And she thinks I'm just going through the same thing as her. Which makes sense, since these thoughts were set off when he was stressed and everything was familiar to our first break up. But life without my boyfriend would barely be a life at all, and there's nothing that makes me happier than seeing him and having his arms around me. 

I'm not sure if I should block or embrace this. Blocking them takes a lot of effort sometimes, but when I let it take over my mind, I end up cracking and can cry over it for hours. It's a complete mess.


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## Agile (Sep 27, 2010)

I'm so sad to hear what you are going through, you are showing a tremendous amount of strength even coming here to talk about it, so I really admire your sincerity and self reflection. I'm not sure if blocking will be the right answer since you are not constructively dealing with the underlying cause that is your loneliness, nor do I think you should embrace loneliness the fact that it affects you so poorly. I can 100% relate to this, as I am the most depressed son of a bitch when I go through long bouts without affirmation and I'm left to dwell in my thoughts.

I think you need a little social release, meet other people, join a social group or 2. I'm a big fan of meetup.com for finding like minded individuals (however I don't remember it having a presence in Canada). Perhaps that you play music - which is fantastic!, maybe there are other people that are looking for a little release where you can play with them. I placed a few craigslist ads for music buddies, and it was great way to meet people. Take a class or two (I used to love taking culinary courses myself, however it can be anything). I don't feel this would be similar to your friend since I find these releases will charge your relationship rather than detract - provided he respects the fact that you are take some time for yourself.

Heellloooo, is there anyone from PerC that has gone through a similar situation? How did you go about handling it?


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## cynthiuhhh (Oct 10, 2010)

Well, yesterday was a good day. I got out of the house for an hour or two, went to town to run some errands with my mom. 
It helped a lot that I wasn't just alone all day, like the past week. While in town, I decided to stop by my highschool and went in to get the number of a psychologist that used to come at the school to help kids. Turns out she now works at the mental help clinic, and only for adults. Timing was pretty good for me 

So I made an appointment to go see her. Just to try and get someone professional's advice on how to handle this, and what the real cause of this is. Hopefully she will be able to help me find the roots of these feelings so that I can work on them by myself and with my boyfriend to get everything better. It is his days off starting friday night, so at least I get to spend four whole days with him. I've only seen him at nights after work since this all started, and I hope that spending the weekend with him will reassure me. 

I do feel like I need a hobby, or something of the like. I do have my music, but that never goes any further than playing when no ones around, and a few youtube covers. I think getting a job will help a lot. At least then it will feel like I'm living again, instead of just wasting away in my negative thoughts by myself at home. I haven't done anything since I graduated in June, and that is my fault. I need to get back into life mode, rather than summer holidays mode.


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