# Why men turn down virgins?



## ThirdArcade (Aug 1, 2010)

Why might a man turn down a virgin, especially she has expressed "messing around and not worrying about what happens next?". Previous to this, the guy made out with a girl for 3 hours into their first date after meeting in group settings over a course of 4 times and she indicated within the first 20 minutes that it "wouldn't go further"? Also, at the same time showing and expressing how 'turned on' she felt. I can't understand that! Men, what gives?


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## Villainous (Dec 31, 2012)

Because most men don't have the balls to do it. Also, they know that virgins get really attached, even if they say they won't. And they probably don't have the patience to show her how to have sex.

Personally, I'd take care of it if a girl wanted to lose her virginity. Better me than some douche bag.


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## Cheveyo (Nov 19, 2010)

Because I've only read this one post of yours and I can tell you're probably emotionally unstable.
Spending any time with you probably would allow one to see this clearly.


I should rephrase: What I mean to say is that you probably came on a bit strong and slightly bat-shit crazy-ish.


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## Dark NiTe (Mar 5, 2012)

I did it once. Once. Stage five clinger status, on the order of convincing me to change my phone number eventually, and she actually made fake accounts on FB so she could add/message me saying things like "she still talks about you" a few years later, etc. Never again, unless in a serious relationship, but that seems to be getting less likely as I grow older and care less for 18-20 women, and I couldn't see myself taking a potential partner seriously who takes religion that seriously.

Edit: also, it's just not that good IMHO, unless you are an egoist and count stuff like that as "another feather in the cap." A blow up doll is probably similar without risk of side effects. I would assume it would be different, better if an emotional bond existed already, though.


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## Swordsman of Mana (Jan 7, 2011)

ThirdArcade said:


> Why might a man turn down a virgin, especially she has expressed "messing around and not worrying about what happens next?". Previous to this, the guy made out with a girl for 3 hours into their first date after meeting in group settings over a course of 4 times and she indicated within the first 20 minutes that it "wouldn't go further"? Also, at the same time showing and expressing how 'turned on' she felt. I can't understand that! Men, what gives?


- well, first off, they can speak for themselves, cuz the idea of corrupting a virgin is just....mwahahaha! 
- are you the woman in this example? 
- is this a pattern you've noticed or simply a one time occurrence?
- if yes to either of the latter two comments, do you think it could just boil down to chemistry or personal issues the guy might have with it (you haven't told us much about the guy. is he a staunch no-sex-before-marriage Christian? does he have intimacy issues?)


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## Fear Itself (Feb 20, 2013)

Oh trust me, if you really wanted to lose your virginity there are plenty of men who'd take you up on the offer. My guess is that either this specific guy just wasn't into you like that (no offense) or like someone mentioned earlier, maybe you came on a bit too strong. Don't stress on it.


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## NT the DC (May 31, 2012)

ThirdArcade said:


> Why might a man turn down a virgin, especially she has expressed "messing around and not worrying about what happens next?". Previous to this, the guy made out with a girl for 3 hours into their first date after meeting in group settings over a course of 4 times and she indicated within the first 20 minutes that it "wouldn't go further"? Also, at the same time showing and expressing how 'turned on' she felt. I can't understand that! Men, what gives?


Is the purpose of this thread stemming from a fear of rejection?
By your quotation it seems like you're trying to associate what you said with being a potential reason someone would reject you.
Is it that you were rejected or that you're afraid of getting rejected?
You also seem to be keeping tabs on the number of encounters and the intensity of encounters, that coupled with your thread seems to conflict with your statement to him that you're "messing around and not worrying about what happens next"

Here's a start for figuring guys out - be honest with them don't tell them what you THINK they want to hear.
If you tell people what they want to hear and act in ways that you think will make them happy - it shouldn't shock you when you feel unfulfilled in the relationship. You have to tell people what makes you happy as well, you can't expect people to get it when you give mixed signals.


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## Promethea (Aug 24, 2009)

Cheveyo said:


> Because I've only read this one post of yours and I can tell you're probably emotionally unstable.
> Spending any time with you probably would allow one to see this clearly.
> 
> 
> I should rephrase: What I mean to say is that you probably came on a bit strong and slightly bat-shit crazy-ish.



Ok, can the personal attacks. You could have just said: "_because virgins can get clingy_."

You are *NOT* a person who is qualified to label someone _emotionally unstable_, or "crazy-ish" particularly after just reading one post. -_That_- is.. -actually- "kinda crazy." So give her a break.


@ThirdArcade
Anyway, My thoughts, though less offensive are slightly on the same page as what I have read here. Sometimes a person -can- get very attached, and clingy after the first time they experience sex: theres a whilrwind of not only bodily sensations, but brain chemistry as well. Its their first time feeling it, and they can mistake it for more than it -is-.

And people -do- mistake sex/infatuation for more than it actually -is- but those who are experienced can see their way out of it. 

With a completely inexperienced person, however, they may be afraid that when you get into this with them; you simply will not find your way out.


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## ThirdArcade (Aug 1, 2010)

Fear Itself said:


> Oh trust me, if you really wanted to lose your virginity there are plenty of men who'd take you up on the offer.


 Yes, I agree with you on this point. No shortage of people out there who are available and want to. 




Fear Itself said:


> My guess is that either this specific guy just wasn't into you like that (no offense) or like someone mentioned earlier, maybe you came on a bit too strong. Don't stress on it.


Could be the first, but I doubt it. Especially because I stated my boundaries early on and he could have said, "cool, night is over for me. I am tired". Men ask that women clearly communicate what they want and I did. I don't think that comes on too strong, only shows I can assert my needs.


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## DAPHNE XO (Jan 16, 2012)

I slept with a guy who was previously a virgin during my first year at uni.
He became attached.


Shitty experience all round.


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## ThirdArcade (Aug 1, 2010)

Promethea said:


> Ok, can the personal attacks. You could have just said: "_because virgins can get clingy_."
> 
> You are *NOT* a person who is qualified to label someone _emotionally unstable_, or "crazy-ish" particularly after just reading one post. -_That_- is.. -actually- "kinda crazy." So give her a break.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the response. Yes, I do believe in the points listed in bold. On the other hand, sex is sex and if treated that way one won't build the emotional connection. I think it is possible to psychologically tell yourself, "aw, well this is just a lay".


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## Cheveyo (Nov 19, 2010)

Promethea said:


> Ok, can the personal attacks.


It's only a personal attack if you take it that way. I can't control how a person takes what I say.


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## ThirdArcade (Aug 1, 2010)

NT the DC said:


> Is the purpose of this thread stemming from a fear of rejection?
> By your quotation it seems like you're trying to associate what you said with being a potential reason someone would reject you.
> Is it that you were rejected or that you're afraid of getting rejected?


Sure, it is stemming from rejection.




NT the DC said:


> You also seem to be keeping tabs on the number of encounters and the intensity of encounters, that coupled with your thread seems to conflict with your statement to him that you're "messing around and not worrying about what happens next"


The number of encounters/intensity is to set a context of the situation. It wasn't a one night stand deal. Also, in the end, I was 100% into only messing around. I didn't care anything for more than that.



NT the DC said:


> Here's a start for figuring guys out - be honest with them don't tell them what you THINK they want to hear. If you tell people what they want to hear and act in ways that you think will make them happy - it shouldn't shock you when you feel unfulfilled in the relationship. You have to tell people what makes you happy as well, you can't expect people to get it when you give mixed signals.


I don't think I am giving mixed signals. I was pretty clear of exactly what I wanted.


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## ThirdArcade (Aug 1, 2010)

JungleDisco said:


> I slept with a guy who was previously a virgin during my first year at uni.
> He became attached.
> 
> 
> Shitty experience all round.



Sorry to hear this. Were you surprised that he got attached?


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## Fear Itself (Feb 20, 2013)

ThirdArcade said:


> Yes, I agree with you on this point. No shortage of people out there who are available and want to.
> 
> 
> Could be the first, but I doubt it. Especially because I stated my boundaries early on and he could have said, "cool, night is over for me. I am tired". Men ask that women clearly communicate what they want and I did. I don't think that comes on too strong, only shows I can assert my needs.


Hmm... then I have no idea as to why he wouldn't. 
I don't really know enough about the situation to speculate any more either, sorry.


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## ThirdArcade (Aug 1, 2010)

Cheveyo said:


> Because I've only read this one post of yours and I can tell you're probably emotionally unstable.
> Spending any time with you probably would allow one to see this clearly.
> 
> 
> I should rephrase: What I mean to say is that you probably came on a bit strong and slightly bat-shit crazy-ish.


I'll take the rephrase as an interpretation on the issue at hand.


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## ThirdArcade (Aug 1, 2010)

Fear Itself said:


> Hmm... then I have no idea as to why he wouldn't.
> I don't really know enough about the situation to speculate any more either, sorry.



No problemo


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## ThirdArcade (Aug 1, 2010)

Cheveyo said:


> It's only a personal attack if you take it that way. I can't control how a person takes what I say.


However, one can be mindful to 'step into' the shoes of another and perhaps understand how they may take what you say. I am forgiving and only trying to understand your viewpoint in the best way possible. Thanks for the contribution.


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## DAPHNE XO (Jan 16, 2012)

ThirdArcade said:


> Sorry to hear this. Were you surprised that he got attached?


Urm. It was unexpected yeah, but I just used it as an example to show that it goes both ways.

I would like to echo the posters above that sometimes the attachment is off putting. Had he just remained friends with me, maybe I wouldn't have had to start ignoring him.

I lost my virginity to my first boyfriend so the attachment aspect was a bonus! Maybe you should wait for a relationship?
Hopefully it will be a healthy one


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## ThirdArcade (Aug 1, 2010)

JungleDisco said:


> Urm. It was unexpected yeah, but I just used it as an example to show that it goes both ways.


Pointed noted. For some reason, I thought it was a "genderized" thing.



JungleDisco said:


> I would like to echo the posters above that sometimes the attachment is off putting. Had he just remained friends with me, maybe I wouldn't have had to start ignoring him.


Why is it off putting? You don't have to answer, it just seems sweet that he cared?

I


JungleDisco said:


> lost my virginity to my first boyfriend so the attachment aspect was a bonus! Maybe you should wait for a relationship?
> Hopefully it will be a healthy one


Interesting. Yes, I am sure greater attachment to someone you are already in a relationship with is wonderful. Maybe I will wait for a relationship... or sex can started me treated for what it is: just sex.


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## ThirdArcade (Aug 1, 2010)

strangestdude said:


> Yeah it's great eh? :happy:
> 
> I'll have to try and go before I turn 30. Even if it's just to engage in mindless hedonism for a week.
> 
> INFP til I die.


Just a little mindless hedonism? I can't envision a fellow NF have bunch of meaningless sex.


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## strangestdude (Dec 8, 2011)

ThirdArcade said:


> Just a little mindless hedonism? I can't envision a fellow NF have bunch of meaningless sex.


I have a lot of sexual frustration to work out. My NFness can wait. 

I just have to sort out my musculoskeletal problems, and then...


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## Aya the Abysswalker (Mar 23, 2012)

strangestdude said:


> I have a lot of sexual frustration to work out. My NFness can wait.
> 
> I just have to sort out my musculoskeletal problems, and then...


I just can't. Even with all the sexual tension and frustration.


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## Blacktide (Sep 16, 2012)

Virgins can be like horses that have never been ridden. When riding/breaking in a horse for the first time you never know what to expect. 

People generally don't like the taking risks with unproven things, and usually prefer to ride horses than have been ridden successfully before. :tongue:


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## strangestdude (Dec 8, 2011)

^^^

Genius.


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## Dan E (Jun 15, 2012)

Blacktide said:


> Virgins can be like horses that have never been ridden. When riding/breaking in a horse for the first time you never know what to expect. People generally don't like the taking risks unproven, and usually prefer to ride horses than have been ridden successfully before. :tongue:


Except the horse won't visit you at work asking why you haven't answered their calls.


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## Mr. Meepers (May 31, 2012)

Well, why would anyone turn down a virgin or turn down free sex?
It may have nothing to do with your virginity or his "maleness".

He may not have an attraction for you (just a possibility)
He may just not have been interested when you wanted to mess around (just because he has messed around in the past doesn't mean he will always want to all the time)
Something could have been weighing in his mind
Maybe he was afraid of how it would change the nature of your friendship
Maybe he felt a slight emotional attachment for you and thought it would not be healthy for him to "mess around" with you
Or other reasons that I have not thought of
If I remember correctly, you are a very sweet person, maybe he was worried that having casual sex with you would change how he sees you

Or maybe your virginity did matter:
Maybe he was scared you would regret it
Maybe he thought it was too out of character for you (going along with regret and/or doing it for the wrong reasons)
Maybe he did not think you were ready 
Maybe, as others had said, he doesn't like having sex with virgins in general


I remember losing my virginity. Having a penis, I was under the impression that it was supposed to be one of the greatest moments for a man. I had a high expectation of it and I thought that it was supposed to be what all "men" enjoyed immensely and could not get enough of (not that I mind waiting or even saying to a horny women who has expressed clearly before being horny that it is important for her to wait ... but someone I thought was hot wanted me and there was nothing morally stopping me). Anyway, the physical pleasure was amazing, but, and I mean BUT, it also was not very enjoyable. It was actually very uncomfortable for me because there was no trust and it felt like it was more pleasure oriented that person oriented and I like having that connection. I feel very comfortable and free when I have an emotional connection with someone. I mean I can trust them with my feelings and my insecurities. And, even though I had hand and blow jobs before, I had never ejaculated in front of a women during the time that I was a virgin. It made me kind of nervous.
My point is that it may not be as easy or as enjoyable as you are expecting it to be (who knows, maybe it will be what you expect it to be, but it wasn't for me)


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## Slider (Nov 17, 2009)

I just don't want that responsibility.

Sounds like it would be a pain in the ass.


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## Thalassa (Jun 10, 2010)

They don't love you....a lot of men might have more casual sex with a woman they knew was okay with it, but sex with a virgin seems like something that should happen in the context of a loving relationship, right? Unless the guy is a sociopath. You don't want a sociopath. So most guys, if they aren't sure they love you, aren't going to rush into having sex with a virgin. In my experience, men tend to be more realistic than a lot of young women about what constitutes "love." They know feeling sexually attracted and even infatuated isn't the same as love, especially if they are in their 20's on up, and not teens.

They don't want the responsibility. They simply do not feel up to the possible drama and consequences which may follow.

They really don't like virgins. My ESFJ ex used to say he couldn't understand men who were predators of virgins, he said why would you want to have sex with a woman who bleeds, is nervous, and has no idea what she's doing in bed? 

Besides, why would you want a "virgin surgeon." Those guys, if not sociopaths, are narcissists. Something's wrong with them.

Finally, it may simply be a conflict of ethics. A lot of men take on the post-modern idea (as I do, being a woman, in fact) that you don't really know a person until you have sex with them, and they figure a virgin might have some kind of religious or other social ethics that they could never tolerate within a romantic relationship.


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## phony (Nov 28, 2012)

lol I'm going to die a virgin.


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## Aya the Abysswalker (Mar 23, 2012)

phony said:


> lol I'm going to die a virgin.


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