# Being extremely blunt



## Closet Extrovert (Mar 11, 2009)

It depends if I like the person and how I feel about them. Normally, I make silent observations, which might come off as me not knowing much about a person. But if I get repetitive feelings (gut feelings, intuition) about them, and the gut feelings aren't good, normally I keep quiet...unless I don't like the person...or if someone makes me angry. But sometimes I do simmer and boil in silence...(esp. with my dad...)


----------



## snail (Oct 13, 2008)

Jack Rabid said:


> People have different communication styles, values and emotional sensitivities..
> 
> Consider this.. No matter what you do.. you are bound to fuck up with someone, at some point.. :dry:


 That is true. For example, people with strong Te tend to find me frustrating, and are often harmful to me no matter what I do. Sometimes SJ types who aren't aware of MBTI think there is something wrong with my P-ness, and hurt me terribly in the process of trying to "fix" it with "tough love." Even if I were perfect by my own standards, I would be somebody's devil.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## RetroPengo (Nov 16, 2009)

TeeHee at p-ness. I couldn't help but giggle. :crazy:

But yeah. Makes sense.


----------



## Aerorobyn (Nov 11, 2009)

I actually prefer the truth from men. I'm pretty nonchalant, and it takes a great deal to actually offend me. 

Besides, I can always pretend I'm offended by it and start an argument, which I enjoy doing for some reason.


----------



## Lilsnowy (Sep 9, 2009)

It takes maturity to be able to stop and think for a second before you speak, but it's important. Being truthful _with compassion_ takes effort, but it's worth it if the relationship is important to you. Years ago, a coworker of mine was known for being an a-- to his girlfriend. He'd always laugh and say, "Hey, I'm being real. I'm not gonna sugar coat it for her." However, he was _not _harsh with our boss or anyone else he needed to impress, and a couple of us confronted him on it. I think he liked keeping her off balance and making her feel small. 

A good man will take the other person's feelings into consideration, even if he isn't responsible for them. I don't think brutal honest is warranted, unless it is the last resort, or if you're trying to get rid of a stalker.


----------



## OrangeAppled (Jun 26, 2009)

snail said:


> The truth is valuable only if it is non-destructive.



Exactly....which is why the way you say it is so important. It's completely ineffective to be blunt if all you do is offend the person to the point where they disregard the truth you've stated. People talk about sugar-coating as if you are changing the truth, but all it means is that you're making the truth palatable so that people actually listen to what you are saying and are open to accepting it, instead of dismissing it as a defense. Lying doesn't have to come into the picture at all, but diplomacy does.

So look at the bottom line: do you want people to take what you say seriously or to dismiss you as an abrasive jerk who says rude things to get a reaction out of people?

Oh yeah, and if your honesty always means being insensitive, then maybe the real problem is that you are insensitive. There are people who are honestly kind, honestly compassionate, and honestly positive. Maybe you should work on developing those qualities, because a void of them is unattractive.


----------



## Phoenix (Sep 4, 2009)

glitterincateyez said:


> I believe firmly in, "It's not what you say, It's how you say it" You should be able to tell the truth without coming across as a jerk. It's not sugar coating, its being considerate of another persons feelings.


Yeah, agreed. It's possible to be completely honest without being an ass.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EvilByte (Aug 5, 2009)

I always have mixed feelings about this, because it basically takes two forms - being blunt to be mean/end discourse on a subject or being blunt because it's efficient and the best way to communicate your ideas exactly. And there's a wide range mixing the two, so it's hard to give a universal claim as to how to perceive bluntness in others; it's always situational.

As has developed in the thread, and maybe the purpose behind the original post, is the idea that you're being blunt in response to a certain question. And the problem seems to be that the question has hidden meaning behind it. So the question is: why should my bluntness not be accepted, when the person asking me this question has a hidden meaning they were not willing to be upfront about? It seems an issue of fairness; they're not being blunt and totally honest with you, so why should you be accommodating in your answer to them and their feelings?

It comes down to how much you care about the person, how that person usually responds to bluntness, why they're asking the question in the way they are and how they expect you to answer it. If they ask a question expecting a certain answer, why should you even answer it? It feels like manipulation, and by definition it is. But this manipulation *usually* isn't malicious; it's a way for a person to reaffirm their status and bolster their confidence. This person trusts your opinion on matters, so when they ask you to confirm something, especially about themselves, they receive massive reassurance that what they are asking is true if you answer honestly and graciously.

If you are blunt and harsh in response, they will often take a severe blow to their ego and probably shy away from seeking your sympathy/reassurance in the future. Such questions are usually asked by sensitive people, and problems with bluntness usually only come up with sensitive people as well. 

It is important to be tactful and honest, with a focus on being supportive, once you deduce the hidden meaning of their question. Well, if you want to be! There's nothing that says you have to give the person the supportive answer they are looking for, and if you indeed find them to be simply fickle and arrogant, then there's no reason to belittle yourself by agreeing with them. 

But in most cases, these questions are kind of mini-cries for help/reassurance, not intended to harm you. If you notice a pattern, such as questions being repeated you to the same time, you might try and even preemptively answer them by giving that person a compliment every now and then or assurance in whatever they so often ask. It certainly would endear that person much more greatly to you.

But don't take too much flak from people condemning you for your bluntness. After all, if you're seeing yourself being manipulated, it's natural to defend against that. But it's good to see that manipulating as a warning sign, and trying to help that person, if you so desire. I find it sad that blunt people are often called insensitive for being blunt, when often in this scenario they're responding negatively to correctly perceived manipulation. So don't worry too much, this is a struggle many of us face.


----------



## thehigher (Apr 20, 2009)

Some people will admire your bluntness. Not all women are the same. Just because one woman says she doesn't like that I am sensitive; does that mean all women don't like sensitive guys? Does that mean that I should stop being who I am? I think you know that answer.


----------



## decided (May 17, 2009)

Rourk said:


> I usually offend women, not on purpose, just because I tell it how it is. I refuse to sugarcoat. So I'm seen as this insensitive ass. Should I become a liar like every other guy? Is that what women want? Liars?


Not all women will be offended by you. My husband is pretty blunt sometimes, but I respect his honesty. I don't have to agree with him, and we get into good conversations about what we think about things without trying to change each other's mind. It's fun.

You should definitely not become a liar.
(What was with the "like every other guy" bit? Come on, you're smarter than that!)

I don't think men or women want to be with liars. Honesty in communication is important for a relationship to work. But so is kindness.

-- I challenge you to aim for just being blunt rather than extremely blunt.

-- And then when you've figured that out, I challenge you to aim for honesty with kindness.

I also think that there are ways of being bluntly honest that will be received better than others. For example, it would probably be good for you if you have a tendency to make yourself the butt of your own jokes. If you demonstrate that you are as harsh on yourself as you are on others, people won't mind your blunt honesty so much. (And they'll think you're being more good natured than you really mean.)


----------



## Promethea (Aug 24, 2009)

Sometimes it's counter-productive to be brutal in your honesty when dealing with a sensitive person. There are more gentle, and respectful ways to say things to someone. Just because I am a T, doesn't mean that those who aren't need to 'man up and get over their emotions.' They are just naturally more emotional, and that is perfectly fine. So, you want to get a message to someone who is sensitive, well hurting their feelings is just going to prevent the information from getting in as easily, because they are going to have to mentally downshift to deal with the emotion, rather than think about what is being said.

I think that a lot of T types pride themselves on their ability to approach things in a very cold way, proving that they are "stronger" than the person who is having an emotional meltdown about what is being said. To me, this seems immature and under-developed if you need that sort of validation. Yes, the world knows that you can be arrogant, cold.. blah.. blah.. but what is it you are trying to accomplish in the moment you have hurt someones feelings, and why?

Oh, and btw op- how very intj of you. ; P


----------



## Mutatio NOmenis (Jun 22, 2009)

I'm quite blunt, unless I am situationally forced to lie. I'm called "mortablunt" sometimes on the forums and chat.


----------



## snail (Oct 13, 2008)

Promethea said:


> Sometimes it's counter-productive to be brutal in your honesty when dealing with a sensitive person. There are more gentle, and respectful ways to say things to someone. Just because I am a T, doesn't mean that those who aren't need to 'man up and get over their emotions.' They are just naturally more emotional, and that is perfectly fine. So, you want to get a message to someone who is sensitive, well hurting their feelings is just going to prevent the information from getting in as easily, because they are going to have to mentally downshift to deal with the emotion, rather than think about what is being said.
> 
> I think that a lot of T types pride themselves on their ability to approach things in a very cold way, proving that they are "stronger" than the person who is having an emotional meltdown about what is being said. To me, this seems immature and under-developed if you need that sort of validation. Yes, the world knows that you can be arrogant, cold.. blah.. blah.. but what is it you are trying to accomplish in the moment you have hurt someones feelings, and why?
> 
> Oh, and btw op- how very intj of you. ; P


 Promethea, that is one of the wisest things I've ever read here. // Oh, and Mortablunt, that's an adorable nickname that suits you quite well. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## RetroPengo (Nov 16, 2009)

Noone should be "brutal" in their honesty, but there is NO excuse for being anything other than either:

a.) honest

or b.) Awesome.

I'm in category b. :crazy:

Edit: category b contains a.


----------



## 4everCharmed (Nov 17, 2009)

Rourk said:


> I usually offend women, not on purpose, just because I tell it how it is. I refuse to sugarcoat. So I'm seen as this insensitive ass. Should I become a liar like every other guy who is a liar? Is that what women want? Liars?


I've thought about honesty a lot.. is it better to lie or to tell the truth? People always say that honesty is the best but.. I don't think that's necessarily true for all cases. I think white lies can be good if used in the right situations.... it also depends on the person!

But yeah the thing is... _all women are different_. Honesty or not, some probably like it if you're blunt/honest with them because they can take it and they'll appreciate your upfront attitude and honesty.. and some are more sensitive and rather have you tell them in a more nice and accommodating way or just plain give them a white lie. 

If you sense that someone is strong/confident and can take criticism easily, then go ahead and be blunt. They may appreciate it or think it's amusing.

If you sense someone who is pretty sensitive, it'd be best to tell them what you really think in a more subtle nicer way, that wouldn't be a slap in the face. Saying things that hint what you really think but not directly as to attack them. They may not feel happy about it, but they can be appreciative of your honesty too.

If someone has very low self esteem and sensitive, sometimes a white lie can be a lot more helpful than giving the whole truth. Using the blunt truth in this situation can cause the person's self esteem to become even worse... Better choice is to give a white lie :/ so they can gain confidence in themself and make them feel good. I mean what's the harm in giving a little white lie to make the person feel better about themself... telling the truth may be more harmful than good in this situation.

You have to remember that everyone's different and you should try to be empathetic to how they would feel if you were to say certain things to them. Personally I don't think it's Always good to tell the truth, it depends on the circumstance and the person. I kind of think of it as... which is more beneficial to the person you're saying it to in that situation? Is it better to lie, sugarcoat, or be blunt.... 

I guess it's more about being understanding of other people's feelings than actually about Lying. Just because you might feel bad about lying, doesn't mean you should sacrifice someone else's feelings. If you can't lie, then sometimes it's better to just not say anything at all.

If you like being blunt and always honest. Then you need to find someone who can handle your bluntness and direct honesty..You probably won't have much success with sensitive people lol because they might get scared away and hurt by you.

This is just personally how I view it... because I can be pretty sensitive, I know how it feels like when people are blunt with me sometimes... so I try not to do it with other people only if I know they can handle it.


----------



## RetroPengo (Nov 16, 2009)

You don't have to be "blunt" to be honest. Honesty can be spun as well as a white lie, if not more effectively.

What I am saying is: In a truly moral society, there is no room for lies of any sort. Hurting another's feelings is not good, but you can still tell a hard truth and spare their feelings. Lies are the *easy way out* and we, as humans, should move beyond them.

Or not. :crazy:


----------



## Hiccups24-7 (Oct 17, 2009)

RetroPengo said:


> You don't have to be "blunt" to be honest. Honesty can be spun as well as a white lie, if not more effectively.
> 
> What I am saying is: In a truly moral society, there is no room for lies of any sort. Hurting another's feelings is not good, but you can still tell a hard truth and spare their feelings. Lies are the *easy way out* and we, as humans, should move beyond them.
> 
> Or not. :crazy:



Eerrr I think you're missing the point of some people including myself. I personally would like nothing more than to spare feelings.. but it just doesn't come natural. I sometimes become over conscious of how someone will react by the words I use, If I knew the right words and tact then I would be able to relax and express it the way I would prefer.
Basically - easier said than done, for some.


----------



## RetroPengo (Nov 16, 2009)

No, I totally understand what you are saying. I'm just giving my view of morality and sparing others. That doesn't mean it applies to everyone though. All personality types, and to an even greater extent all individuals, will have different views on the subject. I suppose I just wasn't clear. I was just talking about MY personal view of morality. That doesn't mean that I judge anyone. I'm a P after all. If you lie, that's fine. I do understand why. But for me, I won't allow myself to lie unless there's no other option.

I've gotten myself and friends into trouble before because of this view, but never something we couldn't get out of. If it was something so drastic as to change someone's life, I've held to a lie.

I realize that lying is necessary, but there is no excuse.

It does not make it ok that you lied just because you spared someone's feelings. That is what I'm trying to say. You still lied, even though it was necessary. But that does not cover up that it was a lie.

My main point is, don't sugar coat it. You lied, just go with that. Own it and be ok with the fact that you did. Don't hide behind something flimsy like "it was to spare their feelings". It doesn't matter why you did it, you still lied.

But I definitely don't mean to say that it's not necessary. There's no excuse for it, and you shouldn't. Society demands that you have to though, if only because we're a society mainly built on lies in the first place.

Wow, this talk is way too heavy for me, haha.

I need to say something wacky...

crap.


----------



## 4everCharmed (Nov 17, 2009)

RetroPengo said:


> I realize that lying is necessary, but there is no excuse.
> 
> It does not make it ok that you lied just because you spared someone's feelings. That is what I'm trying to say. You still lied, even though it was necessary. But that does not cover up that it was a lie.
> 
> ...


yeah :x It's best not to lie if you can.. but in certain situations, we Need to(yeah society is set that way kind of.. we have to be able to blend in and get along with others. If you never lie and always be blunt or always honest about something... some people may sometimes think you are rude because it's better to keep certain secrets/comments to yourself instead of blurting it out haha).

If only everything was that simple ^^ we wouldn't need to lie and keep secrets so much. But in some situations and dealing with certain people calls for the need to lie at times. So that's why I don't think Lies are _always _bad. Some lies _can _be good... just because it's a lie, doesn't mean it's bad. So like.. just because you lie doesn't mean you're bad. I'm not saying being a liar is good either Lol.... just uhhh, you need to be smart about it and know when it's appropriate to lie and when it's not. :sad: ahh sorry if that's confusing haha.


----------



## Linesky (Dec 10, 2008)

Bluntness can be appealing under the right circumstances when regarded as straight-forwardness or honesty.
You just don't wanna give the wrong signals , for instance that you might not like the person or something. 
Also, politeness is important in a few situations, but I'm assuming you're aware of these norms,..

Of course this is from my point of view.
You have to pay attention to the person you're talking to.
They might not always appreciate it as much.
If they're more sensitive than you are, it might come off as brutality to them.

.. I find Prom's answer one of the best here so far. I haven't read everything yet but that one surely stuck around. Mature.


----------

