# The Passion Paradox



## starri (Jan 23, 2009)

*Passion Paradox*
*From The Art and Popular Culture Encyclopedia*

Passion Paradox is a theory about romantic relationships created by Dean Delis in his book "Passion Paradox". According to Delis, one partner is more in love – or emotionally invested in the relationship – than the other. The more love the loving partner wants from the other, the less the other feels like giving.

The more in love partner is in the one-down position, whilst the less in love partner occupies the one-up position. Men and women can occupy both positions at various times.

The paradox of relationships has also been researched by existential psychotherapists together with the other paradoxes of life. See for instance: Emmy van Deurzen, (1998) Paradox and Passion.

*The Relationship Balance
*
"The author affirms that virtually everyone experiences love’s two sides in the same way (pleasure and pain). It does not matter whether your past experiences moulded you to be a particular person – no one, even the emotionally healthy person, is exempted from the pain of love when it tips out of balance. In this context, love relationships would produce a paradox: ‘one-downs’ try harder as they feel insecure and want to get back in control. They attempt to enhance their attraction power. The goal of such effort is to gain emotional control over the relationship as to avoid the nightmare of rejection (that means winning his or her love). But the catch is: if you prove too appealing to the one you want – to the point where the other person is clearly more in love with you – the relationship will fall out of balance.

When such event occurs, you have become the ‘one-up’ or, if you are frightened by your partner’s distance, you have become the ‘one-down’. It would seem that the very urge to attract someone, to bring another person under emotional control, contains the potential for upsetting the balance of the relationship. This is because the feeling of being in love is biochemically linked to the feeling of being out of control. Once you feel completely in control or sure of another person’s love, your feelings of passion begin to fade: vanishing the challenge or excitement of the relationship."

*Research*

"The passion paradox is one of the most familiar experiences in working with couples. One person wants more sex, more time talking, and more commitment than the other. A study of male-female relationships done at Yale University found that in 19% of relationships both partners were "equally involved" in the relationship in general.

In 36% of partnerships the woman was "less involved" and in 45% of partnerships the man was "less involved". This imbalance is partially due to a personality difference between people who enjoy connecting and people who enjoy being separate. The research shows that there are slightly more men who enjoy being more separate, but the difference is not huge. Whichever way the paradox runs, the result is often quite painful for both partners."

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Dr Dean Delis writes:

"The very urge to attract someone, to bring another person under your emotional control, contains the potential for upsetting the balance of the relationship. And that is because the feeling of being in love is biochemically linked to the feeling of being out of control. 

Once you feel completely in control or sure of another person's love, your feelings of passion begin to fade. Gone is the challenge, the emotional spark, the excitement.

Of course, we all know that the dizzy, delicious feelings of new love can't last forever. In a balanced relationship, after the initial passion fades, the partners move into a phase of enduring intimacy and warmth. But when one partner falls more deeply in love than the other, it can trigger harmful patterns between them."

Sources: Passion Paradox - The Art and Popular Culture Encyclopedia
Passion Paradox : I Will Wait For My Ex to Contact Me... Story & Experience

For further reading: Obsessive love - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
http://blog.kevineikenberry.com/communication/unlocking-the-passion-paradox/


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## Solace (Jan 12, 2010)

I can't really say that I understand where this is coming from. The author makes the assumption that either "all typical relationships are balanced" or "all healthy relationships should be balanced."

I agree with neither assertion, so I can't really see how the "passion paradox" suggests anything substantial other than "one person loves the other more." What is the significance of this conspicuous conclusion?

On a slightly different note, having gone and looked at the site directly, I wouldn't trust an individual who writes their own site-wiki entry in such an informal and obviously unprofessional way. Plus, who uses the British English version of "mold?"

None of the above are a selling point for the book, in my opinion. However it if had drawn some correlation between this "passion paradox" and obsessive love, that might be interesting.


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## starri (Jan 23, 2009)

Spades said:


> I can't really say that I understand where this is coming from. The author makes the assumption that either "all typical relationships are balanced" or "all healthy relationships should be balanced."
> 
> I agree with neither assertion, so I can't really see how the "passion paradox" suggests anything substantial other than "one person loves the other more." What is the significance of this conspicuous conclusion?
> 
> ...


Ye i tossed the idea back and forth in my head. I think it would be a little more applicable to *beginnings* of relationships. 

I would say if the *more in love* person did a good job hiding it and being circumspect then the theory won't apply.

I also thought maybe that it applies more to Ps rather than to Js who either have their mind made up from the beginning or force themselves to pull through?

Just some thoughts, thanks for your insight.


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