# Bipolar Disorder



## Dahlia (May 20, 2010)

Hey 

Does anybody here have any experiences with that type of mental illness? 

I'm not officially diagnosed as a bipolar but I think I am one. Actually, I'm fairly sure I am one. Or maybe not... perhaps it's just by pure INFPness or pure sensitivity. What do you think?

I never thought that anything was wrong with me. I always thought I was normal but just way more sensitive than other kids but some years ago I ran across something that brought me a light about my situation.
I've always had suicidal thoughts and as a child I thought that my thoughts were normal because I thought that everybody thinks about suicide when they are sad, so sad. I wanted to to be dead whenever I felt deep sadness but I never really didn't think about suicide until I was about 11 or 12.
My mood swings got more intensive when I grew up. 
The real hell started when I was 16 years old. I went to driver license school and I got so stressed out and it wasn't even because of driving. It was my teacher that freaked me out and made me cry in front of her several times. It was in summer before high-school but apparently summer got over. Though summer was harsh for me, I was so manic and hyper happy-go-lucky in the first half of school year. Suddenly, I was popular and active again, I got new friends and overall... I felt like the top of the world in that half-year, but it all went slowly downwards. I was so depressed in the other half of school year. Actually, I was so depressed and sad that I said good-bye several times and attempted suicide but as you can see, it never worked out.
Summer 2010 wasn't complete happiness for me either. I was glad that school was over though at the same time I felt deep sadness in my heart. Sometimes it felt like I was all okay again, top of the world and suddenly BOOMcrashBANG and my sadness came back again. I actually made another suicide attempt but it failed though.
Autumn/winter 2010 – I met the love of my life. I just had to tell it first.
I made another suicide attempt that failed. I'm really glad for that.
Still miserable, still sad, yet so happy-go-lucky at other times. My depressive mood swings get worse with every time. I'm scared.

So, here I am – still broken but alive.

The reason why I wrote it all up here is that I'm looking for some kind of.... advice or experience. I'm scared of myself, I'm scared of my thoughts and although I want to get better without medication I'm not sure if I can do it but I want to do it. I really do.

Oh, and the reason why I self-diagnosed myself...well...this type of mental illness (any kind of mental illness actually) i's very undiagnosed here where I live(I'm not from English speaking country). Last time I went to a doctor and told him that I might be a bi-polar and he laughed me out, literally. And although I know once place where I could get help... I don't want my family to know about my situation because it all would get so much worse. Trust me, I know. 

Anyway, thank you for your attention and I'm looking forward to hear from you soon.


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## Red Panda (Aug 18, 2010)

It seems very bad, you should probably do whatever it takes to get help because you probably need medication...
Can't you go to that place without telling your parents?


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## Dahlia (May 20, 2010)

Krou said:


> It seems very bad, you should probably do whatever it takes to get help because you probably need medication...
> Can't you go to that place without telling your parents?


Firstly, thank you for your reply 

Yeah, I'm sure that at first they wouldn't notice but sooner or later they would and I want to avoid that at any cost. 

I didn't mention the fact that I did see a psychologist some time ago. Although she was a wonderful person I didn't want to disappoint her anymore so I cancelled my therapy. After two first sessions, I didn't tell her about my breakdowns anymore at all. I know it's wrong but I just couldn't break this barrier. She was wonderful, she really was, but I didn't trust her and I still find it hard to trust anyone but there is someone that I do trust. That someone is my soulmate, my best friend - my boyfriend and I'm really glad I "found" him. He gives me hope, he is one of the biggest reasons to live but.. it's even more complicated since we have LDR..


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## Red Panda (Aug 18, 2010)

Dahlia said:


> Firstly, thank you for your reply
> 
> Yeah, I'm sure that at first they wouldn't notice but sooner or later they would and I want to avoid that at any cost.
> 
> I didn't mention the fact that I did see a psychologist some time ago. Although she was a wonderful person I didn't want to disappoint her anymore so I cancelled my therapy. After two first sessions, I didn't tell her about my breakdowns anymore at all. I know it's wrong but I just couldn't break this barrier. She was wonderful, she really was, but I didn't trust her and I still find it hard to trust anyone but there is someone that I do trust. That someone is my soulmate, my best friend - my boyfriend and I'm really glad I "found" him. He gives me hope, he is one of the biggest reasons to live but.. it's even more complicated since we have LDR..


I understand, but this is a matter of health and you should see it as such. I've been to 2 psychologist myself one for depression and the other for more superficial things and I know how it's like to be in that spot where you have to open yourself to a stranger but you have to see them as doctors not just a stranger you are talking to. Yeah I know psychologists aren't "doctors" but they do heal you. In your case you should probably see a real doctor though, a psychiatrist who can also prescribe you medicine.
Having a friend and lover who can support you is a very important thing especially when you have a mental illness, but don't forget that you have to treat your illness like you treat the physical ones. 
I understand that you really don't want your family to know, but perhaps they already do know that something is wrong with you and maybe if you tell them you want to get professional help they won't be as bad as you think...


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## darksoul (Jul 17, 2010)

It's not easy to get over a failed suicide attempt. For years after my last attempt, I felt "guilty" for being alive. I was lost and directionless, not able to connect to anyone. _How do you even tell people you have a death wish?_

I understand your fear of living without medication. I was on a cocktail of anti-psychotic, anti-depressant and mood stabiliser for over a decade. But three years ago, I decided to stop taking them after it hit me that medication merely masked my depression, not take it away. I was so drugged up most of the time that I stopped having suicidal ideation. But that was only because I had trouble remembering my own name sometimes.

I'm not going to lie and say it's been fine and dandy without medication. Sure, I have days when I don't even want to get out of bed. And death seems rather welcoming. But it's a matter of accepting that depression is a part of you and trying to build your life around it, which is what I'm still working on. Slowly.

If you do need someone to listen to, just PM me.

Stay safe.


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## JoetheBull (Apr 29, 2010)

I don't have bipolar (at least I don't think I do) but I have dealt a bit with depression and thoughts of suicide. Made one official attempt over a stupid joke some thought would cheer me up(never really felt guilty about it but I do see myself as an idiot for trying over something I could have directed at the idiot who thought people thinking I am gay was funny especially the girl I had a crush on) but the genetic coding of self preservation kick in and I didn't get the right knife. other times I thought about it but didn't bother. I didn't really trust any of the psychologist I went to either. Also I avoid meds since they keep making me feel sick and more depressed(and side effects on sexual related things is very annoying to think about). I did various things to combat my depression. I studied it and tried to understand it more(he who understands himself and his enemies. in a 100 battles shall never be in peril) . I also meditated and practiced martial arts(did these two mainly for the love and interest in martial arts though). I also used my natural tendency to create various characters and stories by analyzing why I made certain characters act or think the way they do. Other hobbies also helped. Also made sure I was getting enough B vitamins. Not sure if doing these things will help you the same way but maybe they can help you come up with an idea of what to do. Good luck and take care. that goes for you too @_darksoul


Edit (adding more): if you like music Trans Siberian Orchestra's Beethoven's last Night 's story and songs could be helpful in a way. Basically Beethoven is near death and is in despair over his life he lived but after Fate herself offered to change one part of his past and explained the negative effects of what he wants to change he ends up excepting all that he had done and the negative things that has happened to him. 
_


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## Sina (Oct 27, 2010)

Dahlia,

You are very brave to share your very traumatic experiences here, and your desire to seek advice and better help is a great step towards recovery. I was very touched and sad to read that you have been going through so much despair and pain, and as you point out, you have stayed strong, and your life and resilience are a testament to that. Suicide ideation and suicide-attempts can signal mental illness and demand urgent evaluation and timely treatment. No matter which country you live in, mental illness diagnoses are common, but people are unlikely to be open about this because of meaningless stigma attached. You must talk to your doctor about your suicide attempts and sadness/grief, without suggesting you are bi-polar. You need to go into great detail about your experiences, and any doctor who laughs at you is an inhumane asshole who is a disgrace to his profession. You need a better doctor, one who would listen to you and refer you to therapy and other forms of help available. You will need to find a therapist you can trust and spend time with them consistently. However, you must, and I emphasize *must* share this with your parents. They may worry and 'freak out' but you need their support, and you will be better off with them knowing your predicament. Do you have an older sibling/aunt/another family member or older friend your family respects that you can share this with? so they can help and support you while you talk to your parents?

I have not experienced depression/bipolar but my mother has. I can sympathize with you, and I want to offer any kind of support I can. Darksoul has been wonderful in asking you to PM her, and she seems very empathetic. I want you to know that I am here for you as well, and anytime you want to talk/share/ whatever you like, PM me. If you want, I will share my email address with you. Please keep me updated with your progress and contact me whenever you like. I will reply at the soonest. I am happy to hear about your lovely bf, and I wish you both an exciting, inspiring and joyful relationship.


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## blit (Dec 17, 2010)

I'm diagnosed with bipolar. I take anti-depressants and anti-manic medication, but IMO therapy has helped me much more. I was 15 during summer before I was diagnosed, and for two and a half months I literally locked myself in the closest with a determination to learn how to program in C. Then, I went from questioning what was a compiler to bowing down the malloc god with google as my trusty sidekick. I remember spending hours into the night with 2-3 hours of sleep everyday. It was completely unnecessary. I'd only come out of my closest for food or to go to the restroom or for morning XC practice. I was VERY focused. That focused ended as soon as school started. I lost my flow and everything fell apart. My grades slipped, my friendships vanished, my running went down hill, my interests turned boring, fatal health problems erupted, and worst of all I was absolutely confused. Cycles like this lasted for about 6-7 months. Here's the ironic twist, no one bothered to tell me I was bipolar when I was diagnosed. I never questioned why I took those pills because I thought it was for one of the illnesses that "erupted" from before. Eventually, I found a small collection of brand new bipolar books in the family bookcase and straight up asked my father.

Everything is MUCH better now that I made an honest effort to improve myself towards functioning consistently, and you are taking a good step forward by looking for an answer from others.



hazelwitch said:


> You must talk to your doctor about your suicide attempts and sadness/grief, *without suggesting you are bi-polar.*


This is very important. I've been to more doctors than my grandparents :dry: and for many reasons ranging from appendicitis to cancer screenings. Suggesting an illness to a doctor is usually insulting.


hazelwitch said:


> No matter which country you live in, mental illness diagnoses are common, but people are unlikely to be open about this because of meaningless stigma attached.


This is completely true too. Most I've told don't have much of an understanding of what bipolar is. Most of which they've "known" is through the media. Outside my family, I now just tell my closest friends and they've all be understanding or tried to be, but I wish it wasn't like this.


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## BeeInTheBonnet (Sep 15, 2010)

Hello Dahlia,

I'm glad that you decided to post about it. As has already been said, BD is much more common than people think and it's good that you had the courage to talk about this. The social stigma concerning this disorder is absurd and it stems mainly from misinformation. Therefore I welcome every post that talks about it in a sincere and open way. Thank you for sharing your story.

My sister (who is also my closest friend) is bipolar. In her case, it started with a manic episode. Since the episode was very hardcore (there was the restlessness that Muck Fe described, but she also had some elements of psychosis - delusions, hallucinations, aggression etc), she was immediately put on medication. After that, she had a period of clinical depression. Atm, she takes small dosages of anti-depressant and anti-psychotic drug, but she will probably go off the medication in a few months' time. The quick intervention was a blessing in her case. I think it is important to seek help as soon as possible, since it is not uncommon for the episodes to return in a stronger, more dangerous form. It's really, really good that you have a person you can trust, someone who will support you - it is of vital importance.

Please, do not give up on specialist help. You should be supervised by a professional (psychologist or psychiatrist), who would monitor your state. If you don't trust your psychologist, try to find another one. I think that a psychologist might also help you with the talk with your parents.

From what I've seen, some people feel better after psychotherapy, while others benefit more from medication. It depends on many factors, such as your individual reaction to drugs, the issues that triggered the episodes etc. It is generally believed that psychotherapy has a more lasting effect than drugs. However, in some cases medication can be really helpful or even necessary, esp. if you have experienced full-blown manic episodes that made you do dangerous or irresponsible things (spending sprees, risky behaviours etc.)

Take care.


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## Dahlia (May 20, 2010)

I would like to thank every single one of you. It means a lot to me. It really does. 

Some of you have suggested me to talk about it to my parents but honestly – although I would love to believe it's a great idea then it is not. It's not they are bad people but just.. they wouldn't understand and after 17 years of experiences with living them – I'm more than sure about it because I know it. Overall, there's not much trust between us and I don't want to jump over this barrier because I don't want to feel any more hurt than I already do feel now.

But once again - thank you all very much..


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## OxidativeCleavage (Dec 27, 2010)

Dahlia said:


> I would like to thank every single one of you. It means a lot to me. It really does.
> 
> Some of you have suggested me to talk about it to my parents but honestly – although I would love to believe it's a great idea then it is not. It's not they are bad people but just.. they wouldn't understand and after 17 years of experiences with living them – I'm more than sure about it because I know it. Overall, there's not much trust between us and I don't want to jump over this barrier because I don't want to feel any more hurt than I already do feel now.
> 
> But once again - thank you all very much..


Hi Dahlia... I am really sorry to hear that you are going through this. What you've described is terrible. I wish that there was some way for you to get the help that you want from a professional psychologist that would listen to you and take your concerns seriously. 

I'm not sure what country you're living in - but I have lived all over the world - so I know there are some cultures where even the medical professionals don't believe that mental illness exists or mental illness is stigmatized.. 

I have been trying to brainstorm about the best way to help you. It seems like what you really need is access to a licensed psychologist online that would be willing to take you without charge. I've done some google searching - and there are some online psychologists but most of them seem to deal with relationship counseling and self help and some of them honestly don't seem too reputable either... 

So, if there is anyone reading this that knows anything about getting access to a licensed psychiatrist or psychologist online please speak up! I'm so sorry that this is so out of my depth I can only offer the idea but no real way to give you access to it. 

My best friend is a MD/PHD in psychiatry and psychology but he is a researcher and not a therapist... I have posted the email address of the American Psychology Association help center - [email protected] 
Try to email them - please tell them your story in a short concise email and try to see if they will help connect you with a licensed psychologist that can help you... 

If that does not work, please PM me and I will email them myself and get my friend who is a researcher involved and see if there is any way he can find you a way to get to a resource that can help you find someone that you can talk to, who will take you seriously, and who will help you. 

In the meantime please try to stay strong... good luck.. you seem like a very nice kid with a bright future ahead of you. I hope you hang in there and that you're able to find peace. My brother committed suicide so please if you do feel like you have to do something like that - call anybody that you can (even if your country is one that has a culture against mental illness)... please just tell them you feel dizzy or whatever you feel you need to do to get yourself a stay in the hospital.. maybe that will be enough to give you the strength to get through that day... 

I wish you the best.. Good luck, and please contact me via PM if you decide to give emailing the APA a try and those fuckers don't respond to you. 

I don't have a mental illness so I won't pretend to understand what you are going through, but if it helps or brings you any comfort... I've worked on some research projects that directly relate to the design and development of medications that treat diseases similar to bipolar and progress in these areas is being made. I worked with some very good/knowledgeable MDs that care so much about finding real treatments and cures for mental illness. So, there are doctors out there that will take you very seriously and try everything they can to help you if you can somehow get connected with one. Bipolar is certainly nothing to be ashamed of and people with bipolar can live very healthy stress free lives with proper treatment.. 

So if your parents won't understand (and I believe you if you say that is the case) then please try to hang on until you are an adult... I don't know how much money you have but if you could afford it - when you are an adult you can then take a "vacation" if they will let you - to another country like the USA or even South Africa (medical tourism is popular there) and book yourself an appointment with a license therapist that you can see in person.. then perhaps they can give you the treatment and meds you need and help find you someone in your country who will be willing to continue the treatment when you return...


EDIT: Also please take a look at this link...
I briefly chatted with my friend about you and he said that a fear of disappointing one's therapist is common.. This article might help you - http://psychcentral.com/newsletter/issue005/trust_disappoint_therapy.htm

and they have a finding a therapist now link - so perhaps someone at this place can also connect you with a therapist that can help you online until you are able to see one in your area...


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## jbking (Jun 4, 2010)

*Hhhmm....*

I'm sorry Dahlia. While I don't think I have bipolar, I do have a couple of other mental illnesses that may get me close with my mix of anxiety and depression. It sucks to be in the downward spiral of depression but then being caught in a panic attack isn't that pleasant either. Both were horrible things that I have gotten myself to manage now though I'd like to hope I could put both of them in check and keep them there but I'm not sure how realistic that is for me at this point. I had suicidal thoughts on and off for years but this year was when they got bad enough that I ended up in the hospital about it and with the help of a therapist, friends, and others I am doing much better now.

I'd probably suggest trying to have a couple of people that you can discuss this and hopefully find some support which could be a mix of emotional and knowledge/tips/strategies. I know for myself, I'd research things to death though that is my nature that may not be common amongst other people. Good luck on getting some more help and I hope things work out well for you.


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