# The past hurts, and it's too hard to forgive... Help?



## Puddle Master (May 8, 2015)

I'm heading to college in the Fall, and today struck me. I didn't want to share this, but I know I have to because this has happened other moments before and I want this to stop now and forever Amen. 

My brother showed me some Instagram pictures of my classmates for fun, who I had little to no interest in. I knew he just wanted to make fun of them to make me feel better, but that wasn't the case now for me. Among them were some of the people who bullied me and made me and my friends' lives in high school miserable. Aso there were the people who pretended to be my friends and stabbed my back when it was convenient for them to be more popular. All of them were happy... And I rationally understand that their lives can still be miserable outside of those happy posted moments, but it still hurts to see. And these feelings of anger, bitterness, and vengeance for the pain they caused me won't go away. I've tried forgiving to put this aside, but when I do so, it feels fake and I still feel so much anger in my heart. All the lying, slander, turning my friends, teachers, and the administrative staff against me, ruining my reputation to the point where I was starting to head back down my suicidal path again- I don't know how I can't be angry and unforgiving in my heart. But I know I need to get rid of that- I need to move on, 'cause thinking about this can motivate me to rise up, but it's futile to dwell as I can't change anything, and these people shouldn't be a big part of my life at all. These people also shouldn't delay my growth as a person and as a student in college.

And that's where the problem is. My mind can easily sort this out, but my heart just feels whatever the hell it wants and just won't agree. So... I just need some advice. How can I overcome this? Have you ever gone through this?

By the way, if it helps, I'm an ENTJ (well as far as I know), but even so, please don't be too critical. This matter is one of the few that are sensitive to me, and I'd prefer for these feelings to not get hurt so I can go back to normal and think clearly, not muddled and messy like now.


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## MrShatter (Sep 28, 2010)

It's okay to be angry with them. Don't try to forgive them. Don't intellectualize it because you'll spin it up. Exercise will help you move past the aggression. Find an Fi outlet, (art? journal? etc. here works, this is a good step) so that your value isn't so caught up in that world. 

I had a horrible second year at college. I don't want to get into the gory details but it's really important to find solo-activities where you can lose yourself. Emotional processing, and self-worth, will develop as a side effect of passionate pursuits.


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## TheCosmicHeart (Jun 24, 2015)

I agree with @MrShatter and yes the past does hurt,I have been through something similar I've been stabbed in the back by people I thought were friends and then turned on me, you don't have to forgive them just try and move on and live your life I wouldn't dwell on it too much just focus on what you need to do to better your life


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## Tezcatlipoca (Jun 6, 2014)

Puddle Master said:


> I'm heading to college in the Fall, and today struck me. I didn't want to share this, but I know I have to because this has happened other moments before and I want this to stop now and forever Amen.
> 
> My brother showed me some Instagram pictures of my classmates for fun, who I had little to no interest in. I knew he just wanted to make fun of them to make me feel better, but that wasn't the case now for me. Among them were some of the people who bullied me and made me and my friends' lives in high school miserable. Aso there were the people who pretended to be my friends and stabbed my back when it was convenient for them to be more popular. All of them were happy... And I rationally understand that their lives can still be miserable outside of those happy posted moments, but it still hurts to see. And these feelings of anger, bitterness, and vengeance for the pain they caused me won't go away. I've tried forgiving to put this aside, but when I do so, it feels fake and I still feel so much anger in my heart. All the lying, slander, turning my friends, teachers, and the administrative staff against me, ruining my reputation to the point where I was starting to head back down my suicidal path again- I don't know how I can't be angry and unforgiving in my heart. But I know I need to get rid of that- I need to move on, 'cause thinking about this can motivate me to rise up, but it's futile to dwell as I can't change anything, and these people shouldn't be a big part of my life at all. These people also shouldn't delay my growth as a person and as a student in college.
> 
> ...


I have dealt with the same.

Bear them if you can. They simply feel abandoned. Love them, they are crying inside


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## Noctis (Apr 4, 2012)

I also don't believe forgiveness is everything as it's cracked to be. The least forgivable for me was being bullied by an adult from 15-18 who was my former martial arts "master". He was shameless in his bullying of me and other students and loved to pick on me especially because I was not as skilled as he, physically weaker. I was 15-18 and he was 26-29. I tried numerous times to report his abuse to designated reporters. No surprise, he also hit his then toddler daughter when she waddled into the class when he was teaching... I would love for him to go behind bars for life. He once allowed some martial arts "masters" to taunt and ridicule his own students while he stood on the sidelines and had a wicked smirk and sneer on his face.


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## Ermenegildo (Feb 25, 2014)

Puddle Master said:


> And these feelings of anger, bitterness, and vengeance for the pain they caused me won't go away.


The chronification of your suffering from the actions of your bullies demonstrates the seriousness of your case. I think you should talk to a psychologist who can help you to understand better what is going on with you. And perhaps there is even a chance of confronting your bullies and beginning your own 'peace process'.

United Nations / Reconciliation After Violent Conflict / A Handbook


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## angelfish (Feb 17, 2011)

I really liked when someone told me once that forgiveness isn't primarily for other people - it's for you. You forgive so that you don't have to carry around that emotional burden. Like you said, you don't need these people in your life anymore. Forgiving doesn't mean that you believe that what they did is okay, or that you have to pretend like you weren't hurt and angry. It just means that you let go of holding those emotions inside so that you can put your energy into positive things. 

It helps me to remember that people now are not the same as people in the past. I really hated this one girl who made fun of me in middle school for moving my neck in a funny way because I had some spinal issues - now she's a really cool bartender who has really similar ideological opinions as me and is sort of a hippy. So she was a jerk when she was 14 - I've been a jerk before in my life, too. I can still be mad at 14-year-old her without being mad at the person she is now.

I also personally find that anything "grounding" for my self - things that make me feel whole and healthy and good - yoga, art, peaceful music, pleasing perfume, anything where I can really dig into my identity and express and enjoy who I am - are sort of an antidote to external anger and stress. The more you can ground within yourself, the more you can find confidence and peace within yourself, and the less others' impacts on you and your life will matter. It really sucks that they impacted you so negatively, but ultimately no one but you can touch the you that lives deep down within yourself, "spirit" or "soul" if you will. They could never get to that, and they never can. The more you can connect to that unshakeable sense of self and love and passion, the less these people will matter you to - because really, even if they seemed to have a large impact once, they are distant to the person you are.


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## AriesLilith (Jan 6, 2013)

First of all, you are courageous to ask for help and support while speaking how you felt sincerely. It's not easy for someone being hurt yet talking about it. It shows that you walked the first step, which is to acknowledge your feelings, and the second step, which is to talk to others about it.

Many times we are able to rationalize something but that does not truly convince our hearts, simply because that rationalization alone is not enough and we haven't reached a closure. This is why it's important to not try to only repress how we feel, as it's still there.

Your past friends and classmates were selfish, inconsiderate and mean, that is true and of course you'd feel hurt. The adults around were also not helpful or caring enough to help.
However, I would like to point out something that I've realized as I grew up.

Young people can do selfish, immature, inconsiderate things as many are not mature enough to understand their own actions fully, or how it can really hurt others. They are flawed humans growing up, so they need to learn by time about other people's feelings.
Actually some of them might regret what they did to you, or they might come to regret it later when they think back. But when they did what they did, at the moment they might be too immature or stupid to realize what they really did.

Personally I've done/said mean stuffs and also suffered from others being mean to me. Sometimes when I think back I feel ashamed and regret it; and sometimes when I think of what others did I think that they were just clueless and immature.
If I knew how mean what I said was, or if others knew how they hurt me, then no one would probably have been mean. But we were just stupid brats and did stupid things. Not that we did huge horrible things of course, but words can hurt and the mature me or them would not have said such stupid hurtful things.

When thinking of this, I find it easier to forget about the past issues.

As for adults who couldn't help, I saw them as not capable of helping. They are just flawed human beings and wise people are a rarity, so when realizing this there's no more expectation about them.


But we don't need to like nor forgive those who hurt us. We can have basic respect towards each other, doesn't mean we have to like everyone. It's ok to feel angry too as it's still too "fresh", and then if someone is not nice it's only natural to dislike them.
Thought what you can do is to find what you want to focus in life instead. Focus on what you'd rather give your attention to. Focus on having fun with real friends.
Venting is good too. Talk about it with those who do care.

Right now it's too fresh, but your heart will eventually realize that they are not worth the attention and forget about them. You can still dislike them and that's ok, but it will eventually matter less and less. It's not that they deserve to be mattered to you anyways. Even as a grown up, I can tell you that I will dislike anyone who is not nice and get angry about it even if I forget about it eventually.


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## EndsOfTheEarth (Mar 14, 2015)

Puddle Master said:


> And that's where the problem is. My mind can easily sort this out, but my heart just feels whatever the hell it wants and just won't agree. So... I just need some advice. How can I overcome this? Have you ever gone through this?


You can't jump to forgiveness from where you are. It's that simple. Forget about forgiving them, that's a distant goal. There's a process to go through and as you've found out, you can't skip the steps because your mind, body and psyche just won't accept it. The process is really just sorting your feelings, thoughts and idea's about that situation out. Putting it all right in your mind so eventually you can move on. 

For now, what you really want to do is understand why you feel what you feel. Rather than judge what you feel. There will be thoughts of injustice, revenge, hatred and all the mucky stuff in there. And it's okay to feel all of those things because it's a natural reaction to being wronged. Emotional injustices are hard, because they still cause all the same reactions within the body that say, being attacked by a feral animal would, but you never got the chance to really fight it out physically and vent your rage. You have to give it another outlet, and it helps if you have a physical one like some kind of heavy exercise or the like. 

It would be nice if we could just do 10mins of meditation and have it all over with. But really your brain needs to sort out the experience because you were in danger, but there was nothing to fight, it has a hard time with that. So what it tends to do instead is rehash all the memories over and over, gleaning new insights from each little moment until it can put it together into something that makes sense and you can finally let it go. It's often a long process but it helps if you are consciously aware of it and even better if you find someone to talk to about it that isn't going to judge you for it or begin taking sides with the others involved. Usually professional therapists are a safe bet.


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## Maye (Feb 15, 2015)

I get your trouble, i think. 

One thing to point out: You say that "these people shouldn't delay my growth as a person and as a student in college". So its not just something in the past you're trying to let go of, its in your present too. It began with others' actions, but is continued, in part, by yourself. You're angry and focused on their actions towards you. And that is negatively impacting you, for which you are angry at them. 

My Dad and I've had a rocky relationship, sort of. He's always criticized me harshly for things, and it has been detrimental. It influenced my development. No matter how much progress I make away from it, I think it will continue to have made my life less than it could have been. In some way, shape or form, I'll probably deal with the effects of how he treated me my whole life. And when I try to tell him that he hurt me, he only says he's gonna stumble around in life but all he can do is his best. He may never really know why he was wrong.
A few things that have REALLY helped:

My mom talking to me about it and acknowledging that parents' advice isn't always helpful. Sometimes it helps to have someone understand. 

The fact that the world is a messed up place. We're always encouraged to chase our dreams and make our lives awesome, but there's just so much evil in the world, even in ourselves. There's so many many things/people that can hurt us. And our own prideful natures can hurt us too. Life isn't going to be how we want it to be. 

My relationships with people and my loving attitude towards them matters so much more than anything else, especially my pride. So when I have to give up something in order to be loving towards someone, its okay. The other things aren't as important anyways. 

As long as you value your own interests (whether that be personal development, achievement, or whatever) over other people and your relationship with others, then you will not be able to forgive what people do to harm those interests, because people are less valuable to you than interests.

If you want to *superficially* forgive someone, you have to value your love towards them or your relationship with them over the interests of yours they've harmed. I do that a lot.

If you want to *truly* and completely forgive someone, then you have to love them more than yourself. I don't know if any human being is capable of that, for someone who's really hurt them and not truly apologized for it. 

Its nearly impossible to forgive. And its not a one time thing. Its a heart change, a commitment, and once you do it, you haven't necessarily done it once and for all. You have to re-commit. This is so hard, and may be a life time journey of discovery. I'm not there yet. I'm light years away. 

Maybe the best thing for you right now is not to focus on that type of true and complete forgiveness. It might be the best way to eventually handle your troubles, but it take you a while to get to that place. I think its good to focus on what you can control, in the present, rather than what you can't anymore, since its already passed. I know that's hard, but try to do it to some extent. 

But I really get where you're coming from. Good luck.


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## nannuky (Apr 29, 2014)

You should forgive them not because they deserve your forgiveness, but because you deserve the peace of mind. It's natural that our heart doesn't instantly follow our decision - but don't let it bring you down, don't give up. One day it will.


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## VIM (Jul 13, 2015)

Puddle Master said:


> I'm heading to college in the Fall, and today struck me. I didn't want to share this, but I know I have to because this has happened other moments before and I want this to stop now and forever Amen.
> 
> My brother showed me some Instagram pictures of my classmates for fun, who I had little to no interest in. I knew he just wanted to make fun of them to make me feel better, but that wasn't the case now for me. Among them were some of the people who bullied me and made me and my friends' lives in high school miserable. Aso there were the people who pretended to be my friends and stabbed my back when it was convenient for them to be more popular. All of them were happy... And I rationally understand that their lives can still be miserable outside of those happy posted moments, but it still hurts to see. And these feelings of anger, bitterness, and vengeance for the pain they caused me won't go away. I've tried forgiving to put this aside, but when I do so, it feels fake and I still feel so much anger in my heart. All the lying, slander, turning my friends, teachers, and the administrative staff against me, ruining my reputation to the point where I was starting to head back down my suicidal path again- I don't know how I can't be angry and unforgiving in my heart. But I know I need to get rid of that- I need to move on, 'cause thinking about this can motivate me to rise up, but it's futile to dwell as I can't change anything, and these people shouldn't be a big part of my life at all. These people also shouldn't delay my growth as a person and as a student in college.
> 
> ...


i am sorry for what you have had to endure.

huge strides are being made in the field of neuroplasticity. I found EMDR hugely helpful in being able to forgive and truly forget. it was something i could not 'will' myself to do and then judged myself harshly for not being able to do so. i felt it was a weakness. learning why the brain held on and how to get rid of the thoughts was hugely helpful and relieving.

i was very skeptical of EMDR but am amazed at how something so simple can work so effectively. i know different things work for different people, but just wanted to let you know of the resource.


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## Blissfulwish (Jul 7, 2009)

I went through something similar, where people pretended to be my friend but then did a complete 180 on me and turned into a bully. It went from middle school until high school, it got so bad that I had to change high schools but in the end the past caught up with me and I was still being bullied (I went over sees and came back to a continuation high school that had one of the girls that were spreading lies about me). I let her tell her lies, I didn't confirm or deny them, what was the point? 

At the time I had resentment towards my so called friends and the ones who bullied me, it lasted until my early 20's. I haven't forgiven them, what they did was really messed up and no kid should have to go through that. I just told myself that I deserved better in my life. I deserve better friends, I deserve better people around me, and I deserve a better me.

Even now I get skeptical when it comes to opening myself up fully, can you blame me? But I still now when it comes to losing friends I don't bat an eyelash, if you don't want to be my friend fine, I wont ask why, I wont ask for another chance, and I wont cry... because I deserve better.

Now think to yourself, do you deserve better?


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## Gossip Goat (Nov 19, 2013)

Recently I read this piece from journalist Soledad O'Brien's biography, where she says she lived/lives her life in perpetual motion. Whenever something bad happens she keeps going, feeling bad about something won't make you feel better, move towards replacing the anger with something else, become busy, replace the thoughts of those people, don't let them reap havoc even after they're physically out of your life, work towards your success and happiness. 

I'm not sure how you can forgive someone, I too struggle with this for similar reasons but what I wrote above is basically the advice I am trying to follow as well.


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## Apple Pine (Nov 27, 2014)

Alright,
No point forgiving, because you will not be able to. If you do, you will be lying to yourself. Just try to focus on something else, try to block them on social media etc. They are idiots, and they do not deserve your time, thinking about them. 

Of course, you could forgive, but do they deserve that? That would be a typical Fe kind of thinking - "Everyone's is equal, makes mistakes, and needs a chance". 

It's like the lethal disease. Incurable, yet treatable. There is no fast and easy solution, you can only change the situation in few years, if you try. Face the reality.



nannuky said:


> You should forgive them not because they deserve your forgiveness, but because you deserve the peace of mind. It's natural that our heart doesn't instantly follow our decision - but don't let it bring you down, don't give up. One day it will.


That sounds like 9 dom


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## petite libellule (Jul 4, 2012)

nannuky said:


> You should forgive them not because they deserve your forgiveness, but because you deserve the peace of mind. It's natural that our heart doesn't instantly follow our decision - but don't let it bring you down, don't give up. One day it will.


I don't think it's healthy to "should" on someone. I think while forgiveness is ideal, everyone's capacity to withstand emotional pain varies. Everyone has a threshold. If someone's spent their allowance on large matters to be coped with they may not have any left over to deal with minor bullshit and might appear small in their inability to forgive easily. Forgiving is allowing the pain to be felt and integrated and while that's ideal, the pace of that will vary depending on a persons pain tolerance. In other words, Time heals all wounds. In time, forgiveness is possible but people are entitled to be who they are and take as much time as they need for their hearts to heal. It helps when the offenders validate and apologize but that's unnecessary. Hence, people inevitably forgive regardless.

to hurt and to feel pain and to forgive (or not) is a part of the human experience. It's meant to be experienced and it is a process which is to say, whatever the experience, it's temporary.


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## saxol (Aug 20, 2015)

I'm not here to give any advice to you because your situation is unique to you which I can't directly relate to. But for what it's worth, you're a much stronger person than I was at that age.


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## Kiawaki (May 5, 2015)

I don't believe in rational forgiveness. I believe that anger is often a defense from an unpleasant self-image. Especially if you feel so bad after such a long time, I would expect there are some feelings of inferiority hidden under that anger. Focus on healing those, and you will have much less need for anger.


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## yet another intj (Feb 10, 2013)

Puddle Master said:


> And that's where the problem is. My mind can easily sort this out, but my heart just feels whatever the hell it wants and just won't agree. So... I just need some advice. How can I overcome this? Have you ever gone through this?


First of all, you should realize that you don't have to forgive who hurt you. Why the hell you have to forgive someone with no reason? You are just a human being and you have the right to expect an apology for the rest of your life to preserve your self respect. 

Secondly, you should forgive yourself about "that you can't change what happened". People are horrible and you suffered from whatever injuries. After all, shit happened. Now, all you have, only thing left on your hands are yourself... The person who let those things happened, at least failed to prevent them in past... And... You have to live with him for the rest of your life. Not easy for sure but crucial to feel peaceful.


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## nannuky (Apr 29, 2014)

woogiefox said:


> Of course, you could forgive, but do they deserve that?


It's NOT about them!



woogiefox said:


> That sounds like 9 dom


Thanks, I appreciate that.


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