# What is my metaphorical elephant in the room?



## friction (Apr 29, 2011)

I don't have any friends.

I don't know WHY. 

There's gotta be a reason, and maybe it's obvious, but I just don't see it.

You tend to hear so often that you should just be who you are, but I did try that and it didn't get me anywhere. 

I've tried exposing some facets of myself (quiet, aloof, anxious (to the point of maybe having social anxiety), highly reserved, honest, very serious, silly, apathetic), and I've tried modifications as well (talkative, friendly, interested in other people, empathetic). But either way, I'm not making friends. 

I'm just wondering if there's something obvious I'm missing. Someone at work told me the other day that (to form a good relationship) I 'should make people laugh, and not in 'tell a joke' kind of way'. 

I thought about it and it's true: I don't tend to make people laugh. I can be friendly but I'll still be serious. Somehow, I don't make people laugh. Maybe that's the problem: they don't find me enjoyable to be around.

My university years were spent in this rut, but I never bothered to find out why I couldn't make and keep friends. There were a couple of years after that where I had one friend, but I don't know if she was just friends with me so she could practice her English... she's gone now, so I'm back to square one: zero friends. 

Now I work full time, but the people at work don't consider me a friend. I've never been invited on socials and while it's possible that the host forgot to invite me, I think that's telling in itself, because I see him everyday and it's a pretty small company, so I don't know how he could forget. He could've purposely not invited me but, well, Hanlon's razor.

So all in all, I'm just not sure what I'm doing wrong.

Am I considered boring or what? Do I need to become less boring? I'm just starting to understand and think about myself properly and find terms for the pieces that make up me, and to have to give it all up so urgently in order to make progress on the social front, well, it seem rushed. 

At the same time, I'm starting to wonder if 'accepting myself' is a bad thing to do right now. Because I'm not balanced yet. 

But then again, if I don't know who I am now, how can I understand what I've got to work on?

But I also don't know when to stop putting 'me' together, and when to start dissecting and improving (and which parts).

I'm just really confused and frustrated and lonely, and sharing all this on the internet isn't going to help because none of you all know me in person so (I doubt) you can offer me any practical advise particular to myself, but I don't know who else to turn to because friends don't exist and therapists can be expensive.

But I notice that even on PerC, with about 500 posts and a year in this place, I have no friends here either. 1 year in, and no friends. I'm as much a ghost here as I am IRL. 

So, maybe, just maybe, the elephant in the room is the same both virtually and in reality.

::sigh of extreme frustration::


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## Death Persuades (Feb 17, 2012)

Maybe I can be the elephant in your room. Would you mind being friends with an elephant?


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## StElmosDream (May 26, 2012)

@*friction*
Sadly I don't have much to add on this matter, have some of the same issues of potentially hundreds of acquaintances and barely any real connections (the same issue for 8 years, where for 4-6 months real social efforts are made every year of education/employment then hyper-focus on tasks at hand when it dawns that people seem disinterested in real connections).

I would like to try forging an 'e-friendship' via MSN with you if that helps (just PM me if you wish to exchange details or life experiences- really don't mind in fact I quite like aiding new people on the Internet when so often people devalue this desire in real life or abuse kindness).


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## friction (Apr 29, 2011)

josue0098 said:


> Maybe I can be the elephant in your room. Would you mind being friends with an elephant?


I already got an elephant in the room. Don't have room for two  I'd like to be friends with elephants that aren't in my room.



StElmosDream said:


> @*friction*
> Sadly I don't have much to add on this matter, have some of the same issues of potentially hundreds of acquaintances and barely any real connections (the same issue for 8 years, where for 4-6 months real social efforts are made every year of education/employment then hyper-focus on tasks at hand when it dawns that people seem disinterested in real connections).
> 
> I would like to try forging an 'e-friendship' via MSN with you if that helps (just PM me if you wish to exchange details or life experiences- really don't mind in fact I quite like aiding new people on the Internet when so often people devalue this desire in real life or abuse kindness).


On one condition: if you figure out the elephant, you let me know what it is.


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## Death Persuades (Feb 17, 2012)

friction said:


> I already got an elephant in the room. Don't have room for two  I'd like to be friends with elephants that aren't in my room.
> 
> 
> 
> On one condition: if you figure out the elephant, you let me know what it is.


I was trying to be funny... Anywayyyyy... You can PM me whenever you want, if you want. lol


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## friction (Apr 29, 2011)

josue0098 said:


> I was trying to be funny... Anywayyyyy... You can PM me whenever you want, if you want. lol


Ay, carumba.

Noted.


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## StElmosDream (May 26, 2012)

friction said:


> I already got an elephant in the room. Don't have room for two  I'd like to be friends with elephants that aren't in my room.
> 
> 
> 
> On one condition: if you figure out the elephant, you let me know what it is.


Just seems sad that society tells us socially it is wrong to be different, as if we're to blame for changing times or indifferent people when so much could be at play:body language, unrelatability to the masses, introversion, 'seeming unapproachable', conversation either party may not relate to, attire, work ethic unmatched, slight physical or learning differences... you name it society or social settings 'will highlight difference'


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## Einstein (Aug 10, 2011)

Think about the people that you know that have personalities that are the most similar to yours. Not in terms of how outgoing they are or what they do for fun or where they spend their time, but in terms of the way their minds work. Now think about how they make friends. 

I really think the main issue here is that you're waiting for people to become friends with you rather than actively trying to become friends with anyone. It doesn't matter how funny or social or friendly you are, you need to take the initiative to include someone in your life. 

Stop worrying about making yourself more friend-worthy, and start becoming closer to people. Identify who you would like to be friends with. Then ask them questions and let them see what kind of person you are. Spend time with them. Ask to do something with them.


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

Well--you mentioned social anxiety, and I can see how that would get in the way of having friends.

Plus, the other thing is that having friends depends a lot on luck--especially if you are very picky or it is very hard for people to understand you. I mean--what it takes to actually meet someone compatible, and then to communicate with them enough to become closer to them, then to maintain that friendship--that's a lot of variables. It's not that easy, IMO.

Maybe think about friends in the past--have you ever had friends? If you did--how did you become friends with them? What were they like? How did you connect? Also, consider re-connecting.

I've always had only one or two friends--and have maybe gotten spoiled by them. Because these friends--we could share EVERYTHING together, we could be as stupid or as smart as we wanted around each other, with nothing but understanding and acceptance--and maybe some laughter. I really want my friend to understand me--I want to be able to drop social pretenses with them, and to engage in interesting conversations--or to be free to be stupid. And people who I connect with on that level are rare.

Right now, my best friend lives across the country and I feel like I have no friends either. I can be friendly and have acquaintances, and engage in conversations, but none of my acquaintances qualify as true friends. And I ask myself a lot of the same questions you have asked.

And you don't have to make someone laugh to be friends with them. I do tend to make my friends laugh--but I've had friends that don't make me laugh, and I still enjoyed our friendship immensely. 

You do have something valuable to contribute to a friendship and there is someone out there that is compatible with you. Don't blame yourself so much, or look for an elephant in your room. If there are some steps you can take to get yourself out there--or if you tend to isolate yourself or push people away, then address that.

But also, acknowledge that real life gets in the way of connecting with compatible people, so I wouldn't assume there is something "wrong" with you because you haven't any friends right now. It's much easier to make and maintain friendships as a child because, well, what else are you supposed to be doing at school--learning? pft. Yeah right. But working full time takes up your energy and time--and it limits who you're around, and adults have more walls to crack than children do--they also have more time consuming responsibilities.


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## friction (Apr 29, 2011)

StElmosDream said:


> Just seems sad that society tells us socially it is wrong to be different, as if we're to blame for changing times or indifferent people when so much could be at play:body language, unrelatability to the masses, introversion, 'seeming unapproachable', conversation either party may not relate to, attire, work ethic unmatched, slight physical or learning differences... you name it society or social settings 'will highlight difference'


I don't know, maybe I could cope better if I didn't care what society thinks, but I do, and I can't help it. I can't not give a damn, although I've tried. Now I think I just don't interact that much with people at all because of a combination of social anxiety and putting on a facade, in the beliefs that if they reject the facade then it's still only the facade that was rejected not me. But in some twisted way, the facade of friendliness is what I thought -would- solve my problems but it didn't, so it's as I'm being told 'you can't even get people to like a 'fake-but-better version of you'. On the other hand, maybe people sense that the friendliness is put on. But I can't think of anything else to do, since friendliness doesn't seem to come naturally to me. I'm naturally highly introverted and difficult to get to know well, and I don't want to give that up, but it seems like not changing means I'll always be friendless, and the pain of being alone sometimes surges above the pain of sacrificing (as I see it) who I am naturally/changing myself.



Einstein said:


> Think about the people that you know that have personalities that are the most similar to yours. Not in terms of how outgoing they are or what they do for fun or where they spend their time, but in terms of the way their minds work. Now think about how they make friends.


I really struggle with this. I think my mom is like me, but I don't understand how she makes friends. I think she is just nice? I don't think she has any real close friends though. I try quite a bit not to be like my mom, because what I think are her best traits are also what I consider the worst. e.g. Her unselfishness is admirable, but she often gets taken for granted. 



> I really think the main issue here is that you're waiting for people to become friends with you rather than actively trying to become friends with anyone. It doesn't matter how funny or social or friendly you are, you need to take the initiative to include someone in your life.


Doesn't taking the initiative to include someone in your life mean you're being friendly?



> Stop worrying about making yourself more friend-worthy, and start becoming closer to people. Identify who you would like to be friends with. Then ask them questions and let them see what kind of person you are. Spend time with them. Ask to do something with them.


I asked some people at work if they wanted to go see a thing with me, but they effectively declined. Don't know if it was because of the company (me) or the thing itself.

I also tried to talk to people at work about non-work topics. Man, I really struggled. It didn't feel natural, because I just didn't truly _like_ them. I kind of need to have respect/admiration for someone before I can be curious about them. This is going to sound really bad, but: I see people in terms of 
1. usefulness (can I learn something from this person) and 
2. whether they are a good/bad person (if they have 1 flaw in a 'value', I can be really judgemental and think them beneath me...

I know I really need to work on how to be less judgemental... I was actually going to make another thread about that.



meltedsorbet said:


> Well--you mentioned social anxiety, and I can see how that would get in the way of having friends.
> 
> Plus, the other thing is that having friends depends a lot on luck--especially if you are very picky or it is very hard for people to understand you. I mean--what it takes to actually meet someone compatible, and then to communicate with them enough to become closer to them, then to maintain that friendship--that's a lot of variables. It's not that easy, IMO.


Yeah, I think I am incredibly picky, but I find it hard to be less picky. It feels like I'm lowering my standards and I do think my standards are too high because I'm being judgemental, but at the same time, it's not like anyone has really tried to be friends with me and I've turned them down. I'm just picky about who I decide to start 'trying' with. I also only really need 1 friend, so I don't spread my efforts across different people simultaneously, because that is draining and tiresome.



> Maybe think about friends in the past--have you ever had friends? If you did--how did you become friends with them? What were they like? How did you connect? Also, consider re-connecting.


I think 1 and she was a best friend. I don't really remember but I think she made most of the effort. We connected through some shared interests, and she was also very nice -- the kind that easily becomes friends with everyone. I also remember feeling jealous that she had another best friend. I tried reconnecting, but it seems like we've gone done two different paths. She actually still seems to be the same person as before albeit a woman - not a girl - now, while I seem to be stuck in the same place I was in when I met her.



> I've always had only one or two friends--and have maybe gotten spoiled by them. Because these friends--we could share EVERYTHING together, we could be as stupid or as smart as we wanted around each other, with nothing but understanding and acceptance--and maybe some laughter. I really want my friend to understand me--I want to be able to drop social pretenses with them, and to engage in interesting conversations--or to be free to be stupid. And people who I connect with on that level are rare.


Nice... sigh.



> You do have something valuable to contribute to a friendship and there is someone out there that is compatible with you. Don't blame yourself so much, or look for an elephant in your room. If there are some steps you can take to get yourself out there--or if you tend to isolate yourself or push people away, then address that.
> 
> But also, acknowledge that real life gets in the way of connecting with compatible people, so I wouldn't assume there is something "wrong" with you because you haven't any friends right now. It's much easier to make and maintain friendships as a child because, well, what else are you supposed to be doing at school--learning? pft. Yeah right. But working full time takes up your energy and time--and it limits who you're around, and adults have more walls to crack than children do--they also have more time consuming responsibilities.


Yeah, I'm not sure if it's me or life, but I can't do anything about life, so I'll just have to deal with what I've got and that's me, and my elephant (which I really am convinced is there, because my god, how can can someone go so long without building rapport?? It affects my workplace relationships with my superiors too, because I don't have a relationship with them, so I think I'm seen as a cog in their wheel, which is really unusual for this company because it's small and closely knit. 

When people meet me at first, they do try to talk to me, but the efforts just fade away after a while, so I can eliminate giving off such bad vibes that people don't even try to approach me, but the fact that they don't maint ain the effort suggests that something made them stop.


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## Einstein (Aug 10, 2011)

> Doesn't taking the initiative to include someone in your life mean you're being friendly?


Not necessarily. Even the meanest most unfriendly people can have friends. It's about connection.



> I asked some people at work if they wanted to go see a thing with me, but they effectively declined. Don't know if it was because of the company (me) or the thing itself.
> 
> I also tried to talk to people at work about non-work topics. Man, I really struggled. It didn't feel natural, because I just didn't truly _like_ them. I kind of need to have respect/admiration for someone before I can be curious about them. This is going to sound really bad, but: I see people in terms of
> 1. usefulness (can I learn something from this person) and
> ...


Well of course you're going to struggle if you are trying to become friends with people you don't like!

I also see potential friends in terms of usefulness and 'goodness'. And respect is the most important. But I still meet people occasionally that I really would like as a friend. 

Don't change who you are. It may draw people to you, but it won't make true friends. 

Start by connecting with someone who is very very similar to you. It's easy to be yourself and not worry about how someone reads you when they are just like you.  If you don't know anyone very similar to you then you need to change your environment.


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## StElmosDream (May 26, 2012)

friction said:


> I don't know, maybe I could cope better if I didn't care what society thinks, but I do, and I can't help it. I can't not give a damn, although I've tried.


Not much to add to this besides a book list: How to make friends and influence people (in business), Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships by Eric Bern MD, Emotional Intelligence: why it can matter more than IQ by Daniel Goleman.

I'm reading the last 2 slowly over time; surprisingly transactional analysis covered in *Games people play* is also considered necessary for psychotherapists to remain aware of as well.




> Now I think I just don't interact that much with people at all because of a combination of social anxiety and putting on a facade, in the beliefs that if they reject the facade then it's still only the facade that was rejected not me. But in some twisted way, the facade of friendliness is what I thought -would- solve my problems but it didn't, so it's as I'm being told 'you can't even get people to like a 'fake-but-better version of you'.


As a feeler guy around less feeler types I know how bad facades can be (everyone uses them in some way sadly), the real question I had to ask myself is_'*why do I feel I need them?'*...._ coming up with mismatched career goals, surrounding myself with dissimilar people, feeling under-appreciated as the whole person outside intellect, perceptions that as a gender stereotype people didn't 'want to' see the true me, others just weren't at my intellectual-emotional level and disappointment knowing others favour glibness until a 'friendship' is meted out through untold small 'how are you's/what have you done recently's'.
_*A bit rant-like I know, really a crude attempt at encouraging an exercise of self awareness you may wish to follow in social settings i.e. how and why you project a persona to others. _




> On the other hand, maybe people sense that the friendliness is put on. But I can't think of anything else to do, since friendliness doesn't seem to come naturally to me. I'm naturally highly introverted and difficult to get to know well, and I don't want to give that up, but it seems like not changing means I'll always be friendless, and the pain of being alone sometimes surges above the pain of sacrificing (as I see it) who I am naturally/changing myself.


It sounds like your in danger of walling yourself off from others, more so when working around so few people.
In truth I don't think people wish for you to change or feign kindness, maybe just communicate more in your style by considering if your a *directive* or *informative* speaker type and consider your favoured love languages (bit random I know but we all show potential warmth in some way). 

As a parting question involving role reversal, how would you know when someone is trying their best to make you feel welcome or appreciated and how would you do the same assuming no need for facades existed?


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## friction (Apr 29, 2011)

Einstein said:


> Start by connecting with someone who is very very similar to you. It's easy to be yourself and not worry about how someone reads you when they are just like you.  If you don't know anyone very similar to you then you need to change your environment.


The most similar person to me is Alan Harper from Two and a Half Men. I don't think he's a particularly good role model to follow =/



StElmosDream said:


> As a feeler guy around less feeler types I know how bad facades can be (everyone uses them in some way sadly), the real question I had to ask myself is_'*why do I feel I need them?'*...._ coming up with mismatched career goals, surrounding myself with dissimilar people, feeling under-appreciated as the whole person outside intellect, perceptions that as a gender stereotype people didn't 'want to' see the true me, others just weren't at my intellectual-emotional level and disappointment knowing others favour glibness until a 'friendship' is meted out through untold small 'how are you's/what have you done recently's'.
> _*A bit rant-like I know, really a crude attempt at encouraging an exercise of self awareness you may wish to follow in social settings i.e. how and why you project a persona to others. _


_
_
I have been thinking about this and trying to be more aware of my behaviour.

I find that I'm overly conscious of how people perceive me. Even people that don't matter. For example, today I had to get someone's attention on a busy street but I was too self-conscious to call out loudly. I was concerned what people would think about me if they heard me or if I would look stupid... I actually feel that way a lot of the time (being really concerned with how I come across) and I wish there was a pill or something that would take away the fear. (But eh... that would be alcohol then?).


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## Einstein (Aug 10, 2011)

friction said:


> The most similar person to me is Alan Harper from Two and a Half Men. I don't think he's a particularly good role model to follow =/
> 
> 
> [/I]
> ...


You're not being yourself. Stop worrying about how others perceive you. It gets easier after a few days. It also helps to change your environment because it's easier to change who you are when no one around you already knows you.


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## Death Persuades (Feb 17, 2012)

I guess I was unworthy of being your friend... Apparently you don't want one as much as you say. Anyway, I hope you can find someone who is.


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## bigtex1989 (Feb 7, 2011)

friction said:


> I find that I'm overly conscious of how people perceive me. Even people that don't matter. For example, today I had to get someone's attention on a busy street but I was too self-conscious to call out loudly. I was concerned what people would think about me if they heard me or if I would look stupid... I actually feel that way a lot of the time (being really concerned with how I come across) and I wish there was a pill or something that would take away the fear. (But eh... that would be alcohol then?).


That is your elephant in the room. I was reading through, found a few things here and there but nothing really jumped out to me where I would say "I'm not hanging out with this person ever" until I read that. That insecurity with yourself is probably the number one factor for your inability to make friends. My best advice is to ask yourself seriously "would I hang out with me? What qualities in other people would I like to interact with?" then seriously try to emulate those. Humor is a big one, being able to relate is one, but just plain old fun should not be under-rated. Self-conscious != fun. Serious != fun.


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## Mammon (Jul 12, 2012)

In 4 years foruming I made only perhaps 2 or 3 friends on tenthousand forums. Seems like I have missed the crowded train of massive fun! Which just proves how extremely underdeveloped my socialbility is. But even so, people generally like me IRL. Which is weird because I barely say a word around "not-people I see everyday for atleast... the whole day." It has always been like that in my life. Although, I was way more talkative after a while in my younger years.

Also: That awkward moment when seeing a funny movie and you're the only one laughing your ass off every 5 minutes in the whole room... 

Happens all the time. Like in the movie Chronicle where the dude rushed in the alien hole and the other dude said 'Whoa! Like a ninja!' me and my brother where the only people LOLing in the whole room of 60 or so people... And it went like that the whole movie. Insiders humor ftw!

Perhaps you should try to state your opinions in a funny, a 'jokingly insulting' or extreme sarcastic manner when talking to people. I do it all the time, it's the way I tick though.


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## WindowLicker (Aug 3, 2010)

What you think about is what you bring about.


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## friction (Apr 29, 2011)

Einstein said:


> You're not being yourself. Stop worrying about how others perceive you. It gets easier after a few days. It also helps to change your environment because it's easier to change who you are when no one around you already knows you.


Yeah, true. I tried not caring what others think, today. I felt... light. I laughed and smiled more than normal. Sometimes it felt real, but sometimes it felt like nervous laughter.

Changing my environment isn't really easy because I would essentially have to get another job somewhere else and that's a bore and a challenge.



josue0098 said:


> I guess I was unworthy of being your friend... Apparently you don't want one as much as you say. Anyway, I hope you can find someone who is.


OK, let's try this 'be yourself' thing:

What the hell? Why would you post that here in this thread? Why couldn't you PM me that?

I did want to reply to your PM. I didn't know how to say what I wanted to say. So I didn't.

"I guess I unworthy of being your friend" What are you trying to do? Make me feel guilty for not replying to your PM? Well, congrats, you succeeded.

"Apparently you don't want one as much as you say." Please don't play mind games and try to provoke a reaction. If you want to know why I didn't reply, you can just come and ask me straight out.

After seeing you post this here, I'm rethinking how much I would trust you. You're taking what happened in a private conversation (or lack of what happened) and putting it on a public stage. That doesn't make me feel good about you.

That's me when I'm not watching myself. Do you like what you see?



bigtex1989 said:


> That is your elephant in the room. I was reading through, found a few things here and there but nothing really jumped out to me where I would say "I'm not hanging out with this person ever" until I read that. That insecurity with yourself is probably the number one factor for your inability to make friends. My best advice is to ask yourself seriously "would I hang out with me? What qualities in other people would I like to interact with?" then seriously try to emulate those. Humor is a big one, being able to relate is one, but just plain old fun should not be under-rated. Self-conscious != fun. Serious != fun.


What few things?

I don't think I would hang out with me because I know just how selfish I am. On my best days, I wouldn't mind hanging out with me because I don't mind laughing at myself, and I like how serious I can be. But on my bad days - which are more frequent and apparently has been my default mode of operation for the majority of my life - I would be draining to be around - because it would be hard to cope with someone as insecure as me.

Having said that, the qualities I admire in other people are often qualities/skills that don't come naturally to me (thus the admiration, right? why would I admire something I myself possess?). For example: I admire spontaneity, quick thinking, perceptiveness, open-mindedness, conviction, and rational thinking. I... think that if I were to adopt those qualities I wouldn't be me anymore, and it would just be a facade, and not something I could keep up for long.


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## Death Persuades (Feb 17, 2012)

@friction

Unsolicited PMs is considered spam and is against TOS, and so I said that here. I was also careful to not divulge any information stated in said messages, and did not even mentions a PM. You did that. I also was not trying to make anyone feel bad, because I honestly don't care how you feel. I was just being honest with how I felt. Alas, to prevent future problems, I'll refrain from contacting you in any way again. I really hope you do find someone worthy. Goodbye.


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## bigtex1989 (Feb 7, 2011)

friction said:


> I don't think I would hang out with me because I know just how selfish I am. On my best days, I wouldn't mind hanging out with me because I don't mind laughing at myself, and I like how serious I can be. But on my bad days - which are more frequent and apparently has been my default mode of operation for the majority of my life - I would be draining to be around - because it would be hard to cope with someone as insecure as me.
> 
> Having said that, the qualities I admire in other people are often qualities/skills that don't come naturally to me (thus the admiration, right? why would I admire something I myself possess?). For example: I admire spontaneity, quick thinking, perceptiveness, open-mindedness, conviction, and rational thinking. I... think that if I were to adopt those qualities I wouldn't be me anymore, and it would just be a facade, and not something I could keep up for long.


People hangout with selfish people. I actually find them funny to hangout with because they will make fools out of themselves trying to have fun. So you answered your question in the first paragraph. "I would be draining to be around - because it would be hard to cope with someone as insecure as me." And if that is you default mode, I don't see how this is a question anymore.

Also there is a major distinction between acting and improving yourself. Work on the skills you admire. You are no longer at the mercy of a reptilian brain! You CAN change yourself. Personality is (approximately! based on twin studies) 50% environmental. You can work on being spontaneous, more open-minded, more of a rational thinker. I wouldn't say that you would be denying who you are by developing a more likeable personality for yourself first, and others second. You get to choose who you are, so you might as well like yourself XD

P.S. Why not admire things you already possess? For example, I admire quick thinking as well. Just because I have it doesn't mean I shouldn't admire it.


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## friction (Apr 29, 2011)

josue0098 said:


> @_friction_
> 
> Unsolicited PMs is considered spam and is against TOS, and so I said that here. I was also careful to not divulge any information stated in said messages, and did not even mentions a PM. You did that. I also was not trying to make anyone feel bad, because I honestly don't care how you feel. I was just being honest with how I felt. Alas, to prevent future problems, I'll refrain from contacting you in any way again. I really hope you do find someone worthy. Goodbye.


I'm sorry you felt unworthy. It was not my intention.

You say you don't care how I feel, yet you had had the compassion to reach out...

As far as 'unsolicited PMs' go: I'm not gonna turn you over to the mods for spam without giving you fair warning. If I were to PM you, would you consider it unsolicited?



bigtex1989 said:


> People hangout with selfish people. I actually find them funny to hangout with because they will make fools out of themselves trying to have fun. So you answered your question in the first paragraph. "I would be draining to be around - because it would be hard to cope with someone as insecure as me." And if that is you default mode, I don't see how this is a question anymore.


I don't openly talk about my insecurity, but it's possible people sense it...



> Also there is a major distinction between acting and improving yourself. Work on the skills you admire. You are no longer at the mercy of a reptilian brain! You CAN change yourself. Personality is (approximately! based on twin studies) 50% environmental.
> 
> You can work on being spontaneous, more open-minded, more of a rational thinker. I wouldn't say that you would be denying who you are by developing a more likeable personality for yourself first, and others second. You get to choose who you are, so you might as well like yourself XD


I'm dangerously close to going off on a soliloquy about how I don't want to change until I understand who I am/what I'm working with before embarking on 'improvement'. I feel like unmoulded clay right now and making improvements is like trying to sculpt something random out of nothing. I want my clay to already have some structure before I start tweaking it. I don't know why I need to know what I have before I change something, but I do.


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## Death Persuades (Feb 17, 2012)

friction said:


> I'm sorry you felt unworthy. It was not my intention.
> 
> You say you don't care how I feel, yet you had had the compassion to reach out...
> 
> As far as 'unsolicited PMs' go: I'm not gonna turn you over to the mods for spam without giving you fair warning. If I were to PM you, would you consider it unsolicited?


No, but I would consider it unsolicited if I don't reply to someone and they message me again. Which is why I did not message again...


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

friction said:


> I don't have any friends.
> 
> I don't know WHY.
> 
> I don't know why either. Asking for advice here probably isn't going to help you much in the long run. As much as I wish I could make things better for you, I really think you need to seek professional help. Do it ASAP.


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## friction (Apr 29, 2011)

tanstaafl28 said:


> I don't know why either. Asking for advice here probably isn't going to help you much in the long run. As much as I wish I could make things better for you, I really think you need to seek professional help. Do it ASAP.


Actually, going to a professional is not that much better than talking about it on the internet. The therapist is going to start out with a blank slate too, and they'll only know what I tell them, things from my perspective, and since it's a professional relationship I'll be formal and polite, which at the end of the day is still a facade so it's not really honest but it can't be helped.

I think I need to have a normal person-person interaction (not teacher-student) with someone where I can be 'me' and they have to stick around and care enough to give me feedback.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

friction said:


> Actually, going to a professional is not that much better than talking about it on the internet. The therapist is going to start out with a blank slate too, and they'll only know what I tell them, things from my perspective, and since it's a professional relationship I'll be formal and polite, which at the end of the day is still a facade so it's not really honest but it can't be helped.
> 
> I think I need to have a normal person-person interaction (not teacher-student) with someone where I can be 'me' and they have to stick around and care enough to give me feedback.


I am not a mental-health professional, nor I am not there to observe you. I have no frame-of-reference from which to make any assessment or offer any suggestions. You need to find someone whom you can become comfortable enough with to let down your guard and risk opening up to. I do not know how to do this for you. If you don't know how to it for you, there's the pickle.


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