# Women flirting vs. being friendly - your thoughts?



## KingFrog (Feb 15, 2012)

sparkles said:


> There is a big difference between being a prude and thinking that sex is less a recreation/mutual-using situation and more of something special and intimate you don't do with a stranger. You can be kinky without being easy as well. You can also have a very strong sexual appetite - that you only want to fulfill within the context of a loving relationship.
> 
> 
> There is a difference between judging the act itself and judging a particular context for the act. @_KingFrog_


Understandable.
Still no reason to have a holier-than-thou attitude though.

One can still be both a prude and a demisexual by looking down on others.


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## bigtex1989 (Feb 7, 2011)

pinkrasputin said:


> “A fool thinks himself to be wise, but a wise man knows himself to be a fool.” ~The Bard



"Modest doubt is called the beacon of the wise." -Swan of Avon


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## zelder (Apr 17, 2011)

Promethea said:


> I think that some men are lonely and not used to anyone being friendly to them, that when they meet an 'attractive' female whos just friendly to everyone (including you buddy, yes) - they don't know what to do with themselves.


It's this. Attractive men with confidence know the difference between a friendly woman and an interested woman. The lonely men don't know shit. If a woman talks to him, he gets a boner.


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## sparkles (Mar 2, 2011)

bigtex1989 said:


> You remember me from a year ago?? You are so flirting with me right now aren't you lol! XD


Lol!  yay irony XD


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## bigtex1989 (Feb 7, 2011)

sparkles said:


> Lol!  yay irony XD


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## CrabbyPaws (Mar 5, 2012)

When I am with a friend I: am generous, nice, helpful, thoughtful, kind, forgiving, involved, supportive, I try to converse about deep subjects or adapt to be in the same level with whatever interests the other person has, I am cautious (as in reserved) but also comfortable and take things at my own pace. 

When I am with a love interest I: am generous, nice, helpful, thoughtful, kind, I ask a lot of personal questions, I also talk about deep subjects but am more playful and not as cautious, as if I am challenging them, I make a lot of eye-contact but also look down sometimes, I smile a lot, ( I have been told I flutter my eyelashes apparantely), I am more open about my personal life, my body language is different, more accommodating to his body language so it is flowing but also stands out as feminine (being conscious about the curve of my back and swaying my hips, etc), I say 'aww' a lot, or the way I giggle comes out more girly 'hehe', it's quite obvious that I blush and get embarrassed whereas with friends I am more comfortable. It's probably not as dramatic as I have portrayed it, but I don't think you could miss it.


Um, I'm not really sure what the differences are. Perhaps the main difference for me is that with my friends I am not open about myself unless questioned, but with someone I love I let them in my life more and talk about personal things. Unfortunately, I have been told I can be too nice sometimes and that it may come across in the wrong way, but it is just how I am personally. For example I remember meaningful and important things about someone, and ask that person about it, and they may feel that I am especially concerned about them and remember those things because I like them. I don't, I am just a very sensitive person who is also very attached to meaningful things. I show a lot of sympathy, I always try to relate to people somehow and I am naturally very giggly and bubbly once I am friends with someone even though before we have become friends I seem very indifferent and reserved. I think this big contrast may be confusing too.


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## redmanXNTP (May 17, 2011)

pinkrasputin said:


> Why don't you just ask her?


No! That's just what she's expecting him to do!


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## pinkrasputin (Apr 13, 2009)

redmanXNTP said:


> No! That's just what she's expecting him to do!


I doubt that.


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## ljames (May 26, 2011)

Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.


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## Master Mind (Aug 15, 2011)

Since this falls within my area of knowledge, I guess I'll chime in.

It's called _misattribution_. Both men and women are capable of differentiating sexually interested behavior from friendly behavior, however men perceive more situations as sexually oriented than women do due to a gender-based perceptual difference. Men have a low threshold for labelling behavior as "interested" (i.e., flirting), while women have a high threshold for interested behavior. Meaning that friendly behavior by women is likely to be misjudged as interested behavior by men due to the threshold differences in labelling behavior as a sign of interest, which is why men often think women are flirting with them when they're merely being friendly.


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## pinkrasputin (Apr 13, 2009)

Master Mind said:


> Since this falls within my area of knowledge, I guess I'll chime in.
> 
> It's called _misattribution_. Both men and women are capable of differentiating sexually interested behavior from friendly behavior, however men perceive more situations as sexually oriented than women do due to a gender-based perceptual difference. Men have a low threshold for labelling behavior as "interested" (i.e., flirting), while women have a high threshold for interested behavior. Meaning that friendly behavior by women is likely to be misjudged as interested behavior by men due to the threshold differences in labelling behavior as a sign of interest, which is why men often think women are flirting with them when they're merely being friendly.


Also, there are men who go for it regardless if women are interested or not. It's fun for them and they like to "win over". This can be sorta fun, because you can be direct and tell them "no" and then they up their game. But everything is out on the table. "I'm not interested in you and I'm not going to date you." <<< and that is not a game, it comes from the heart. But they could care less and remain on their mission. But I know their intentions and they know how I feel.


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## sprinkles (Feb 7, 2010)

@Master Mind

Yeah, merely being friendly.
Or having an itchy scalp.
Or thinking about the person they'd rather be with.
etc etc. could be anything.


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## Promethea (Aug 24, 2009)

KingFrog said:


> I'm starting to think most demisexuals aren't real at all, and I'm starting to think what I'd say they were without that label.
> 
> A Prude.


Perhaps some demisexuals are less sexually inclined in general. I have a very high sex drive, but I am rarely attracted to someone enough to have sex with them. However, when I am, I want to all the time.

Picky.


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## Mountainshepherd (Feb 23, 2012)

Master Mind said:


> Since this falls within my area of knowledge, I guess I'll chime in.
> 
> It's called _misattribution_. Both men and women are capable of differentiating sexually interested behavior from friendly behavior, however men perceive more situations as sexually oriented than women do due to a gender-based perceptual difference. Men have a low threshold for labelling behavior as "interested" (i.e., flirting), while women have a high threshold for interested behavior. Meaning that friendly behavior by women is likely to be misjudged as interested behavior by men due to the threshold differences in labelling behavior as a sign of interest, which is why men often think women are flirting with them when they're merely being friendly.


Gender-based perceptual difference? Maybe that is an interesting idea.

Let me try to make it a bit more cut an dry. Assuming women are generally going to be more used to social activity (lots of explanations for this thought, if you're curious ask), they will have more experience with it, which leads to a better understanding of its gradients as well as a broader appreciation that attention does not always mean affection, certainly possible. Could also explain why ignoring a woman can be powerful, would be like taking a fish out of water.

Conversely men being from a less social world could be more inclined to misunderstand attention as equal to affection because for a man's world affection and attention often are the same things. As a result men are more capable of misunderstanding that a woman's attention isn't inherently about attraction.

Let me give an anecdote on this one:

I'm quite aloof by nature, variety of reasons. Periodically in my life a person has misunderstood this aspect of my personality. While both genders are capable of misunderstanding my aloof nature, women by and large are the ones who are more likely to take offence to it. I have very rarely been called on it by a guy, and usually at the behest of a woman or women. The guys who do call me on it are generally razzing me about it. 

The other part of this and more topical to the OP, I am apparently flirty as hell when I'm being playful. It isn't something I do on purpose just sort of how it works out. So perhaps much like some women, what for me is friendly and playful just happens to be flirty to other people. 

So perhaps in my case the juxtaposition of those traits causes more confusion, but I think the bell curve of gender experiences is definitely in play here. 

Do men largely consider attention an addition while women are more inclined to take it as a given?


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## Master Mind (Aug 15, 2011)

Mountainshepherd said:


> Gender-based perceptual difference? Maybe that is an interesting idea.


I'm a psychology major with a minor in sociology. Whenever I chime in on these kind of topics it's because I have specific knowledge of the subject because it's something I've actually studied and I'm familiar with the literature on the subject, some of which I actually have in my library. There are a lot of aspects of human behavior which interests me, and so--true to my Fiveness--I have a broad base of knowledge about human behavior, both from internal (psychological) and external (sociological) factors.


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## sparkles (Mar 2, 2011)

@Master Mind
Thank you for bringing that up. It makes a lot of sense. 
@Mountainshepherd 
Thank you for building on what Master Mind put forth here.


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## Impermanence (Apr 24, 2012)

I think a woman's flirting if she touches her hair a lot or twirls it around while smiling, if they laugh at my terrible jokes and if they touch me. Another big indicator is if she keeps eye contact for a long time as well.


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## sparkles (Mar 2, 2011)

Mountainshepherd said:


> Do men largely consider attention an addition while women are more inclined to take it as a given?


Could you rephrase the question? Attention as an addition or a given in what sense?


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## GoodOldDreamer (Sep 8, 2011)

So men, in general, are bumbling oblivious idiots that women openly admit having fun messing with, and it's up to the bumbling oblivious idiot to wisen up, and change his tune, while the "innocent" woman having fun messing with him can keep having fun messing with him until he no longer falls for it. Or even continue when he does stop falling for it. You know, because she's innocent. Totally unaware of her own actions. No meeting in the middle, whatsoever.

I can't help but picturing the couples from sitcoms like Family Guy or Everybody Loves Raymond. Women are perfect in every way, and their guys, even their own partners, are little more than playthings. Like a cat with a mouse.


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## sparkles (Mar 2, 2011)

GoodOldDreamer said:


> So men, in general, are bumbling oblivious idiots that women openly admit having fun messing with, and it's up to the bumbling oblivious idiot to wisen up, and change his tune, while the "innocent" woman having fun messing with him can keep having fun messing with him until he no longer falls for it. Or even continue when he does stop falling for it. You know, because she's innocent. Totally unaware of her own actions. No meeting in the middle, whatsoever.
> 
> I can't help but picturing the couples from sitcoms like Family Guy or Everybody Loves Raymond. Women are perfect in every way, and their guys, even their own partners, are little more than playthings. Like a cat with a mouse.


What? Are you in the proper thread because that isn't what I've seen being discussed here.


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## pinkrasputin (Apr 13, 2009)

sparkles said:


> Women, what do you do when you want to demonstrate sexual interest? Especially those things that differ from how you are when you're being friendly?


You know I never really answered the op and just saw this. I don't demonstrate sexual interest unless I'm in a relationship. If I'm in a relationship I often express my sexual interest by saying "Let's fuck". There's other cues I could throw at him as well. 

And, if I have ever expressed "sexual interest" outside of a relationship, it has a different motive. It's more of a defense mechanism. I probably don't like you very much.


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## devoid (Jan 3, 2011)

I use proxemics, eye contact and voice tone. When I'm flirting with a guy I tend to sit/stand just close enough so that it's a little more than what he's comfortable with. I also tend to lean my body in toward him more and create meaningful eye contact (four seconds at a time, then break away) to show that I'm interested in him but not in a generic way (which to me would be staring pointlessly at them). And for voice, I tend to have a more rich, feminine tone around men I'm interested in (somewhat high pitch, but not squeaky or annoying, and some amount of extra weight - not airy sounding). I've found that this method scares the fuck out of most men, but is very attractive to people who are both confident and adventurous. It puts me in the leading role with most men, but with a confident (usually older) man they might take it as a challenge or invitation.


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## Jwing24 (Aug 2, 2010)

Promethea said:


> @sleepyhead
> 
> I think that some men are lonely and not used to anyone being friendly to them, that when they meet an 'attractive' female whos just friendly to everyone (including you buddy, yes) - they don't know what to do with themselves.
> 
> I have a somewhat similar issue. I blame my enneagram sx variant. I just have an extremely intense sexual energy, but I'm not beaming it at any guy in particular.. its just a vibe I carry unwittingly. When I interact with people, some hate me immediately, some immediately think theres an attraction between us. Me, I just feel normal, but I see the reactions are strong. I started trying to pull my energy in instead of just let everyone touch it, because I'm an introvert and I don't want to deal with all of this mess.


I think some men AND women are lonely. I think it can go both ways. I have been very lonely at times in life and my desperation has led me to jump to conclusions without good evidence. The opposite, where someone has done this towards me, has also occurred, though only one time. 

I think when people in general are lonely, anyone who they might fancy in the least bit, or even if they don't, anyone who shows more interest than they are used to getting (which may be none) may cause them to have some feelings of interest.


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## Promethea (Aug 24, 2009)

Jwing24 said:


> I think some men AND women are lonely. I think it can go both ways. I have been very lonely at times in life and my desperation has led me to jump to conclusions without good evidence. The opposite, where someone has done this towards me, has also occurred, though only one time.
> 
> I think when people in general are lonely, anyone who they might fancy in the least bit, or even if they don't, anyone who shows more interest than they are used to getting (which may be none) may cause them to have some feelings of interest.


I certainly agree that women as well as men can be lonely. When I address a specific issue in context, its not to the exclusion of related issues.

Loneliness is a human condition -- not just that of a specific gender, absolutely.


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## Jwing24 (Aug 2, 2010)

zelder said:


> It's this. Attractive men with confidence know the difference between a friendly woman and an interested woman. The lonely men don't know shit. If a woman talks to him, he gets a boner.


Yes and no. For me, loneliness is tied hand in hand with low self esteem. So if someone were to show interest, I don't think "OH MAN here's my shot!", I think "she doesn't like me, maybe she just had a really good day".


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## Jwing24 (Aug 2, 2010)

Promethea said:


> I certainly agree that women as well as men can be lonely. When I address a specific issue in context, its not to the exclusion of related issues.
> 
> 
> Loneliness is a human condition -- not just that of a specific gender, absolutely.


Question

I still know the person who I referenced as the opposite case, someone interested in me. It was very clear to me, unlike other cases. However, I am not and have never been interested in this person.

But at the same time, I feel for them, I feel their loneliness, I am pretty lonely these days myself.

How do you sort of come alongside that person and maybe ease each other's loneliness without giving them any ideas, that's the last thing I want.

Or is it just best to let them go, to avoid the risk? I am really indifferent either way, it is more that I can relate exactly, at this time, to their situation. And for me, anytime I can do something for someone, I usually try to do it.


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## devoid (Jan 3, 2011)

Jwing24 said:


> Question
> 
> I still know the person who I referenced as the opposite case, someone interested in me. It was very clear to me, unlike other cases. However, I am not and have never been interested in this person.
> 
> ...


Trying to make someone feel better when you know they have a crush on you is a bad idea. Once they realize they can't have you, they'll just feel even more dejected.


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## Promethea (Aug 24, 2009)

Jwing24 said:


> Question
> 
> I still know the person who I referenced as the opposite case, someone interested in me. It was very clear to me, unlike other cases. However, I am not and have never been interested in this person.
> 
> ...


In my exp with that, they will just take any attention as encouragement if they have those feelings for you. When those feelings are involved, they aren't thinking rationally enough to maintain boundaries, or even correctly perceive the boundaries that you have put in place.


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## Jwing24 (Aug 2, 2010)

Thanks you two ^ and ^^, so far I have stayed away from them so I think I will continue to do so. That makes sense.


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## ForsakenMe (Aug 30, 2010)




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## Inphamous (May 10, 2011)

I dont care if they are being friendly or flirty, its annoying. I generally only go to public places out of necessity and any unnecessary social interaction is an imposition for me. Even more so if it causes any other undue attention.


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## The Wanderering ______ (Jul 17, 2012)

It depends. Too many men including myself are victims of their own desires, and so create perceptions from those desires. I can't count how many times I thought to myself that just because a girl smiled at me, or because I talked to a girl several times with good conversation, or because a girl let me hug her that there was some kind of interest. The fact of the matter is we want to THINK that they are flirting so we can feel good about herself, but we never want to ask because if they aren't then we get rejected.


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## petite libellule (Jul 4, 2012)

The way to tell the difference between flirty to be fun and friendly, and flirty for 'hey you stud muffin you' lays in the art of sexual innuendos. If she receives those well ... Proceed with caution. If she tosses them back, proceed to take what you want. Not as in rape her sicko's! Meaning, advance the relationship where you think it ought to be.


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## aendern (Dec 28, 2013)

If a woman even talks to me or smiles at me or shows the slightest bit of interest in me, I have a habit of assuming she likes me/is flirting with me.


Even though, logically, I know that most of the time her actions are not indicative of flirting in any way.

Maybe it's just wishful thinking. :frustrating:


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