# Sexually abused?



## Jennywocky

snail said:


> Do non-malicious but violative experiences with an older male cousin count? I put that I don't know. I felt very disturbed by the incidents, was emotionally affected for years, felt corrupted and ashamed, experienced a lot of anxiety over it, developed an intense fear of anything sexual for a while, but I think it would probably be considered normal childhood experimentation to anyone less sensitive. It certainly wasn't as serious as what most children go through, and wasn't meant to harm me, despite the level of control and manipulation involved.


The reality is that your response to it is typical of abuse victims. Whatever his motivations were, it impacted you as abuse. It makes it sounds like there was some age difference, meaning you were at a disadvantage and did not want to do it, even if you felt unable to resist/vocalize that disagreement.


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## nevermore

I've had friends who were raped (unfortunately after I warned them not to associate with the perpetrators), but it was in adulthood, and it has never happened to myself, thank God.


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## screamofconscious

snail said:


> Do non-malicious but violative experiences with an older male cousin count? I put that I don't know. I felt very disturbed by the incidents, was emotionally affected for years, felt corrupted and ashamed, experienced a lot of anxiety over it, developed an intense fear of anything sexual for a while, but I think it would probably be considered normal childhood experimentation to anyone less sensitive. It certainly wasn't as serious as what most children go through, and wasn't meant to harm me, despite the level of control and manipulation involved.
> 
> My brother experienced it too, and he wasn't affected at all. He was the one who finally told our parents, who were upset and told my cousin's parents, after which we were no longer allowed to play alone in the woods with him.
> 
> (Oddly, it wasn't the cousin who is currently in prison for molesting his daughter, who lived with us when we were younger. It was the one nobody would have ever suspected, who did well in school and eventually grew up to be very proper and responsible.)



@_snail_ , I'd highly recommend you read through this writers blog. The part I quoted below is very important in relation to what you said.



> *I Don’t Want To Say I Was Abused Or Raped Because That Cheapens Abuse and Rape/Some Girls Ruin It For The Rest Of Us*
> 
> Let’s make this simple.
> Rape and abuse exist. They’re horrible and they’re wrong.
> The only way rape and abuse can be _less_ horrible is if we don’t value the person who is being raped or abused.
> Let’s Godwin’s Law this: Hitler is being raped and abused. How much do you care?
> Okay, let’s back this up realistically. Your sister is being raped and abused. How much do you care?
> A woman who sleeps with a lot of people and callously disregards their feelings is being raped and abused. How much do you care?
> A woman who was drinking heavily at the club and hanging off every single guy is being raped and abused. How much do you care?
> The only way rape and abuse can be cheapened is if we cheapen the victims. They aren’t cheapened by expanding the definition of victim. If rape and abuse are horrible and wrong, then more victims just equals more horrible and more wrong. But we _can_ cheapen rape and abuse by limiting the definition of victims we give a shit about.


This excerpt was taken from this blog: A Few Things To Stop Doing When You Find a Feminist Blog | Fugitivus


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## Sara Torailles

Oleas said:


> Fortunately I wasn't, and I don't know of anyone who was. What's surprising is that English speaking countries are the ones with the highest number of rapes. When it comes to percentages, Australia's the third country with the most rapes (0,78/1,000), Canada's fifth and America 9th, New Zealand 12th and United Kingdom 13th. Iceland is the only European country that rates higher than these (10th).


You have to take these statistics with a grain of salt. In countries that are less civilized, there are less restrictions on these sorts of crimes. Women are often considered property in these sorts of countries. Even if someone conducted a survey on rape amongst these people, there would be a mindset among the women not to report rape because they didn't think they were raped or they fear their own hide.


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## nádej

This thread is heartbreaking.

I wasn't, but one of my little sisters was. In the foster home she was in before we adopted her. She was only a toddler. The perpetrator was a teen boy also in the home (who likely had an incredibly rough life, not that that is any excuse). She was pretty messed up emotionally when we adopted her, as a result, but she's doing really well now (at age 13). She knows it happened, but doesn't consciously remember it anymore. She's been through a lot of counseling.


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## V3n0M93

Wow, after reading the comments I've lost hope for humanity. 

I haven't been abused and I don't know anybody who has been.


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## screamofconscious

Torai said:


> You have to take these statistics with a grain of salt. In countries that are less civilized, there are less restrictions on these sorts of crimes. Women are often considered property in these sorts of countries. Even if someone conducted a survey on rape amongst these people, there would be a mindset among the women not to report rape because they didn't think they were raped or they fear their own hide.


You might be surprised how many women don't report the crime in "civilized" countries for the same reason.


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## Awakening

Very good on you to place 'I don't know'. It's all too common for the creep to convince you nothing happened, or what happened is just to painful, or drugs were used.
I might just count the 'I don't know' results as a yes... hard to say.


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## Emerson

I was, my uncle when I was younger. I forgave the man who did it. Poor bastard drank himself to death because of it.


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## Vivid Melody

I wasn't but my mom was by her father when she was a little girl. She used to sleep in her parents' bed because she didn't have her own so one night, while her mom was downstairs her dad sexually abused her. He realized his mistake immediately though and got her her own bed. I never met the man. He died before I was born. Apparently his dad was a janitor who molested kids so he was probably molested by his father too. It's a cycle. It's sad.


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## Epimer

Oleas said:


> Fortunately I wasn't, and I don't know of anyone who was. What's surprising is that English speaking countries are the ones with the highest number of rapes. When it comes to percentages, Australia's the third country with the most rapes (0,78/1,000), Canada's fifth and America 9th, New Zealand 12th and United Kingdom 13th. Iceland is the only European country that rates higher than these (10th).


I don't mean to detract from how horrific those statistic are... but I think that many of those countries are more likely to have at least somewhat "better" system of support and a more "responsive/responsible" legal system which may contribute to that.

i.e. rapes and other sexually-focused assaults are more likely to be reported in such countries for a number of reasons, as opposed to war-torn developing nations in the grip of civil war.

But again, I am not defending the numbers at all. I am just glad that more is done on average for those who should not be treated in such a way.

I hate stuff like this. It makes me half depressed and sick, and half angry and nigh-on-psychopathic. I wonder what would happen if I ever got my hands on someone "abusive" like that. I think it could get pretty *messy*.

P.S. The UK is in Europe too! 

P.P.S. I saw you are French -- and I am not meaning that France is somehow less legally-advanced than the UK!!! I just meant that lots of countries in the list are just good at the reporting/recording etc. of such crimes which may account for a reasonable amount of the variation.


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## Therapist

Not sure why my post in this thread was deleted since it was serious, but alright.


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## OrangeAppled

The13thGuest said:


> Seems to be that when people are molested by people other than their family members, it is either their teacher or another adult that is a family friend.


Yes, I think it was a family friend who was also a neighbor (whose own daughter has made claims against also), because my parents were freakishly protective with us, so it had to be someone they trusted to be around us when they weren't there.


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## Vaan

Yes repeatedly over the course of 10 hours when i was 7. I only realised now that it is a major source of my Asexuality but i had completely repressed the memory and told myself i had completely moved on :/. I have in many ways just that whenever i'm in a sexual situation i get flashes of the experiences and i feel sick to my stomach and instantly turned off, if i force it i end up getting super high stress and end up having a bit of a breakdown :S





Fizz said:


> I'm disgusted by molesters already, but when it's a parent, there's no words for how much hate I have towards them.


Yes parents who molest their children dont deserve the honourable title of parent -_-


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## Stephen

Oleas said:


> What's surprising is that English speaking countries are the ones with the highest number of rapes.


I think that these results are misleading. Different cultures have different standards for what constitutes abuse. I saw an article about child molestation and incest not long ago that shared some disturbing revelations about how pervasive and common such things are.



> Freud's courage in acknowledging the extent of childhood sexual molestation was not shared by the majority of his colleagues. Most, like Jung, simply avoided the topic. Others, who noted that large numbers of their patients had clear memories of incestuous rape, blamed the victim, saying, like Abraham, that the molestation "was desired by the child unconsciously [because of an] abnormal psychosexual constitution … "


Of particular interest in there would be the section on Japanese culture and how permissive it is toward sexual abuse of children. Let's take into account that some societies are more likely to discover, recognize, and respond to such violations.



Torai said:


> You have to take these statistics with a grain of salt. In countries that are less civilized, there are less restrictions on these sorts of crimes. Women are often considered property in these sorts of countries. Even if someone conducted a survey on rape amongst these people, there would be a mindset among the women not to report rape because they didn't think they were raped or they fear their own hide.


^^^ Yes, approximately this, but... "less civilized?" Ouch.



screamofconscious said:


> You might be surprised how many women don't report the crime in "civilized" countries for the same reason.


^^^ Quoted for truth.


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## Cover3

how could you possibly think that '' this was just a normal thing a child has to grow through as they grow up'' ? I mean seriously, are you a subtle troll or just that fucked up?


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## devoid

Cover3 said:


> how could you possibly think that '' this was just a normal thing a child has to grow through as they grow up'' ? I mean seriously, are you a subtle troll or just that fucked up?


It was a normal thing for everyone I knew growing up. There wasn't a single little girl in that neighborhood who hadn't been molested or raped. It was the way of life. There was a group of girls who met on the playground and talked about some things that would make adults cringe, as if they were fairy tales. Rape fantasies, orgies, drug use... in some neighborhoods being a 7 year old girl just isn't what you'd think.


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## Donkey D Kong

hziegel said:


> I was molested repeatedly by multiple people as a child. My parents let me wander freely, it was a bad neighborhood and shit happened. They didn't even call the police because my dad was a pothead and didn't want trouble. So it just kept happening. The first (and second, by the same guy) was when I was 4. Then again by my cousin at 7 or 8, also multiple times. Then at 11 by a different neighbor. I was also subjected to objectification from the age of 9 by numerous men in the area. This has made me hate men and try to hide my body for many years, but I have finally come to a point where neither is a major issue in my life. I'm older now, and I can take care of myself. I realize that not all men are hurtful.


This made me sad. I can't imagine what it was like to go through that...


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## Vaan

hziegel said:


> It was a normal thing for everyone I knew growing up. There wasn't a single little girl in that neighborhood who hadn't been molested or raped. It was the way of life. There was a group of girls who met on the playground and talked about some things that would make adults cringe, as if they were fairy tales. Rape fantasies, orgies, drug use... in some neighborhoods being a 7 year old girl just isn't what you'd think.


Yeah and in the indigenous communities over here i think i only know one indigenous guy who hadn't been raped  the statistics amongst their communities are insanely high


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## Stephen

Cover3 said:


> how could you possibly think that '' this was just a normal thing a child has to grow through as they grow up'' ? I mean seriously, are you a subtle troll or just that fucked up?


When something is all you know, you can't see it from an outside frame of reference. It doesn't make it OK, of course.

Wait, a _subtle troll_?










(Look how subtle that hair is. You'd hardly notice he's not wearing pants.)

:tongue:


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## Psychosmurf

From wiki:


> In North America, for example, approximately 15% to 25% of women and 5% to 15% of men were sexually abused when they were children.[11][12][13] Most sexual abuse offenders are acquainted with their victims; approximately 30% are relatives of the child, most often brothers, fathers, uncles or cousins; around 60% are other acquaintances such as 'friends' of the family, babysitters, or neighbors; strangers are the offenders in approximately 10% of child sexual abuse cases.[


When I first read these statistics, I was shocked since I expected the rate to be at only about 1%. Even then, the emotional impact of the numbers 25% and 15% is small compared to the impact of the stories described in this thread. I would also like to thank everyone for sharing. Besides the horrific events described here, even more disturbing to me is how little attention we, as a society, pay to this HUGE problem. 

Anyway, in high school, one of my former friends told me that he was invited by a mutual acquaintance to gang-rape a girl. (He told me this story after it had already happened.) Thankfully, my friend declined. But when I asked for the girl's name so that we could report the crime, he refused to say it. I immediately cut off all contact with both of them.


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## Vaan

Psychosmurf said:


> From wiki:
> 
> 
> When I first read these statistics, I was shocked since I expected the rate to be at only about 1%. Even then, the emotional impact of the numbers 25% and 15% is small compared to the impact of the stories described in this thread. I would also like to thank everyone for sharing. Besides the horrific events described here, even more disturbing to me is how little attention we, as a society, pay to this HUGE problem.
> 
> Anyway, in high school, one of my former friends told me that he was invited by a mutual acquaintance to gang-rape a girl. (He told me this story after it had already happened.) Thankfully, my friend declined. But when I asked for the girl's name so that we could report the crime, he refused to say it. I immediately cut off all contact with both of them.


Check out the sydney gang rapes, thats what led to the cronulla race riots :/ There were invites to those gang rapes via Texts by young lebanese guys. I dont even get why it would be seen as ok to even send texts like that or to even fathom doing that, i mean they would have to be serious psychopaths to do shit like that, no soul whatsoever


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## abster

Torai said:


> But for a crime you did not commit? That would be pretty traumatic. I live in the United States, where the prison system is something to be abhorred.
> 
> In some cases, people falsely confess to crimes they did not commit because of false memories. Could you live with the guilt of being a rapist, considering your views on the act?
> 
> I'm not comparing prison to experiencing rape, though the former often includes the latter. The sentence for rape is really grave, and not without reason. We can't arrest people just because they were accused of rape. That will get more people to lie about it because they can. Considering we don't have the technology to tell a lie from a truth, the verdict is not simple.
> 
> Acting like lying never happens isn't the answer. We have to face the fact that people _do_ lie, and rape is an easier thing to lie about than most crimes considering the lack of physical evidence. That goes for both sides of the story.
> 
> Considering technology is getting better, and sometime soon, we will probably be able to scan someone's brain and see if they're lying or not, this will be less of an issue down the road.


sometimes its not so much the imprisonment or arresting the alleged perpetrator that gets to me, at times it's more of the justice system and the police and how they treat victims of sexual abuse that's really appaling. Obviously the system is flawed not just in the USA. Working with victims of child sexual abuse and a survivor myself i can also argue that most people who have been sexually abused, have been sexually abused. People fronting upto false memories is very rare. Most perpetrators dont claim guilty, and why would they cos like you said there is little evidence that they did it? And a lot of victims dont report because the system is flawed.


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## Vaan

abster said:


> sometimes its not so much the imprisonment or arresting the alleged perpetrator that gets to me, at times it's more of the justice system and the police and how they treat victims of sexual abuse that's really appaling. Obviously the system is flawed not just in the USA. Working with victims of child sexual abuse and a survivor myself i can also argue that most people who have been sexually abused, have been sexually abused. People fronting upto false memories is very rare. Most perpetrators dont claim guilty, and why would they cos like you said there is little evidence that they did it? And a lot of victims dont report because the system is flawed.


Yep the police lack the empathy, even the female detective i had wasn't overly accomodating, they just saw me as "another case". i think the job really wore down their empathy and so they just used language that was flat and slightly nonchalant. They arent very good at talking with kids and i'm pretty sure she had dealt with alot of false cases too thats why she was being more hypercritical until she felt i was telling the truth :/

I think they need to make it more accomadating and change so that they make it seem less embarrasing to report it and make you feel like you will be treated seriously (but they will still have to find a way to filter out the liars)


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## Space Cat

Vivid Melody said:


> Apparently his dad was a janitor who molested kids so he was probably molested by his father too. It's a cycle. It's sad.


 That's bollocks, just because someone was abused, that doesn't give them an excuse to abuse another. If they were to think like this, the cycle would go on and on and never end.
I don't know why but i feel so much anger and hate to the abusers. My mom was and i swear, if i had a death note, i would kill those people but i had learnt not to hate.
Although, i believe she (and the rest of you who had so bravely shared here) do NOT deserved to be treated in that way. I've heard countless of stories on how children had been abused or raped. No matter what i say cannot heal the hurt. The damage had already been done. Tho i guess i'll say how proud i am of all of you and how sorry i am that this had to happen and how fucked up it is that this is so fucking common. Seriously, something needs to be done about this, but up till now, nothing has!
(This world is so fucked up. No wonder i don't want to have any kids. I feel so shattered right now.) -.-
/endrant
Apologies for ranting/anger, i had known many people who were close to me and mean a lot to me and were abused horribly. :frustrating:


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## Deamo

CeresZal said:


> That's bollocks, just because someone was abused, that doesn't give them an excuse to abuse another. If they were to think like this, the cycle would go on and on and never end.


It does happen though, that's the thing -- I'm not saying it's an excuse, nor am i defending abusers, just sayin' that sometimes, someone who was abused can end up abusing another.

I've wondered as to why it happens and all I could ever come up with was that maybe it was a twisted sense of trying to recoup some of the control that feels lost when revisiting what happened.

Oh how i would like there to be some _thing_ I could do to regain that sense of "it'd never happen to me" (not exactly what it is, but ican't find the right words at the mo). That's probably why no-one in my immdeiate family know anything of what happened. It's twisted and illogical.


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## Sara Torailles

screamofconscious said:


> I'm going to assume that you weren't aware of any of these things because you seem like a decent sort of person that's willing to examine these issues. But seriously man, you need to reexamine your beliefs here.


I apologize if I offended you. I realize I tried to be unbiased in this issue and this doesn't necessarily work. It requires trusting the police, which you know is a terrible thing to do. Objective detachment also rarely works because people are irrational beings, especially when you try to accommodate a huge scope like this.

I would _like_ to think that the police have good reason to suspect lies of rape, but maybe there is none. There are easier crimes to lie about. 

The terrible thing is, the jury doesn't have to be objective since it's ruled by the common people, and that certainly puts a lot of weight into it.

I think people have a tendency to disbelieve victims because America is so obsessed with sex. For example, if a girl looks revealing, they'll be less likely to give credibility to the case. (Although, if America believes that your level of dress makes you more likely to be raped, then they should do the opposite) They don't realize that rape isn't about sex. It's about dominance.

The sad thing is the defense "she liked it rough" is pure speculation. We don't know if she did. If I were the victim in a rape case, I most likely wouldn't agree to that statement either way. I would lose my credibility.

So, in summary, I'm sorry I offended you, and America is a country full of morons whose justice system is full of holes (both in terms of consistency and the people involved).

Don't you just love it when an INFJ is in that stage of developing Ti but not quite balancing it out? Oh, God. I wonder what it will be like when I develop Se. :tongue:





Vaan said:


> I think they need to make it more accomadating and change so that they make it seem less embarrasing to report it and make you feel like you will be treated seriously (but they will still have to find a way to filter out the liars)


We will have the technology soon to map someone's brain activity and figure out if they're lying or not. So, don't give up hope here.

Actually, with fMRI scans, we pretty much _do_ have the technology. We just need to make it mainstream.


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## Vaan

Torai said:


> I apologize if I offended you. I realize I tried to be unbiased in this issue and this doesn't necessarily work. It requires trusting the police, which you know is a terrible thing to do. Objective detachment also rarely works because people are irrational beings, especially when you try to accommodate a huge scope like this.
> 
> I would _like_ to think that the police have good reason to suspect lies of rape, but maybe there is none. There are easier crimes to lie about.
> 
> The terrible thing is, the jury doesn't have to be objective since it's ruled by the common people, and that certainly puts a lot of weight into it.
> 
> I think people have a tendency to disbelieve victims because America is so obsessed with sex. For example, if a girl looks revealing, they'll be less likely to give credibility to the case. They don't realize that rape isn't about sex. It's about dominance.
> 
> The sad thing is the defense "she liked it rough" is pure speculation. We don't know if she did. If I were the victim in a rape case, I most likely wouldn't agree to that statement either way. I would lose my credibility.
> 
> So, in summary, I'm sorry I offended you, and America is a country full of morons whose justice system is full of holes.
> 
> Don't you just love it when an INFJ is in that stage of developing Ti but not quite balancing it out? Oh, God. I wonder what it will be like when I develop Se. :tongue:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> We will have the technology soon to map someone's brain activity and figure out if they're lying or not. So, don't give up hope here.
> 
> Actually, with fMRI scans, we pretty much _do_ have the technology. We just need to make it mainstream.


Yeah then and only then will we know the real statistics and be able to implement serious changes and be able to make sure we can believe everybody ^^

Personally i dont think its all about dominance, i believe its a large factor but it can also be for a few reasons, but thats just my personal opinion (hopefully i dont get lambasted for stating this belief )


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## Psychosmurf

Vaan said:


> Check out the sydney gang rapes, thats what led to the cronulla race riots :/ There were invites to those gang rapes via Texts by young lebanese guys. I dont even get why it would be seen as ok to even send texts like that or to even fathom doing that, i mean they would have to be serious psychopaths to do shit like that, no soul whatsoever


You'd be surprised how low a human being can sink, and still have absolutely nothing wrong with them. :mellow:


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## Vaan

Psychosmurf said:


> You'd be surprised how low a human being can sink, and still have absolutely nothing wrong with them. :mellow:




Apart from the fact that they see nothing wrong with the crime they are premeditively committing :/ which in essence does insinuate a mental deficiency


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## Psychosmurf

Vaan said:


> Apart from the fact that they see nothing wrong with the crime they are premeditively committing :/ which in essence does insinuate a mental deficiency


The Lucifer Effect by Philip Zimbardo


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## screamofconscious

Obsidean said:


> Where are you getting these stats from?





Vaan said:


> Factoids, control groups and guesstimates?



The full report can be downloaded in pdf format at this website:

Extent, Nature, and Consequences of Rape Victimization: Findings From the National Violence Against Women Survey | National Institute of Justice


Vaan, I wouldn't pull numbers like that out of my ass. They're scary enough that I know I'd get called on it. In fact, that's the reason I saved the file to my computer. My husband tried to call me on it once. He's now a converted feminist. :wink:


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## Vaan

screamofconscious said:


> The full report can be downloaded in pdf format at this website:
> 
> Extent, Nature, and Consequences of Rape Victimization: Findings From the National Violence Against Women Survey | National Institute of Justice
> 
> 
> Vaan, I wouldn't pull numbers like that out of my ass. They're scary enough that I know I'd get called on it. In fact, that's the reason I saved the file to my computer. My husband tried to call me on it once. He's now a converted feminist. :wink:


It dosent talk about it's control groups apart from the fact there were 8000 women and 8000 men surveyed, also the statistics were wrong, i did some searching and the rate is 17.6% according to NVAW. If they dont tell me the exact control groups and dont use extremely confusing PC wording and confusion between Ateempted and completed rapes then i will use it as a secondary source. It is very good though, i think i'll spend awhile doing some more research on these topics in the next few weeks ^^

I'll compare the results from this study with several others and do some study on internatial surveys and compare the rates and see if i can get a rough global map going



> U.S. Bureau of Justice Statistics (1999) estimated that 91% of rape victims are female and 9% are male, with 99% of the offenders being male.[22] Denov (2004) states that societal responses to the issue of female perpetrators of sexual assault "point to a widespread denial of women as potential sexual aggressors that could work to obscure the true dimensions of the problem."[23]
> 
> According to the National Crime Victimization Survey, the adjusted per-capita victimization rate of rape has declined from about 2.4 per 1000 people (age 12 and above) in 1980 to about 0.4 per 1000 people, a decline of about 85%.


now 17.6% of 1000 = 176 rapes which is 73X higher than this estimate from 1980 and 440X higher than the current estimates 

But yes i believe that any number higher than 0% is too high :/

also to note http://http://www.nationmaster.com/graph/cri_rap_percap-crime-rapes-per-capita
Now according to this (UN statistics) the rate is averagely 0.1/1000 people, however i dont know the sources for this either but this seems like a bit of an understatement too so i dont take it for much

I'm an Ex-Feminist converted to a Gender Egalitarian ^^

@Psychosmurf Touche


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## screamofconscious

@_Vaan_, I'd be very interested to see what you come up with.



> also the statistics were wrong, i did some searching and the rate is 17.6% according to NVAW.


Does 17.6% refer to the rate of rape victims or some other data?


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## Vaan

screamofconscious said:


> @_Vaan_, I'd be very interested to see what you come up with.
> 
> Does 17.6% refer to the rate of rape victims or some other data?


Rate of combined completed and attempted sexual assaults according to NVAW

I'll have to really look around but so far this figure of 17.6% seems abnormally high, even the 1 in 4 women factoid isnt this high (because it was originally 1 in 8 which is 12.5%)


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## screamofconscious

@Torai I got upset for a minute there but I meant it when I said that you seem a decent sort of person. I start with the assumption that everybody (myself included) has sexist and racist beliefs. What makes having those beliefs completely forgivable is in the individuals willingness to unearth, examine and abandon such beliefs. Although you didn't say anything in particular that I found sexist, I think the same concept applies here. 



Vaan said:


> Rate of combined completed and attempted sexual assaults according to NVAW
> 
> I'll have to really look around but so far this figure of 17.6% seems abnormally high, even the 1 in 4 women factoid isnt this high (because it was originally 1 in 8 which is 12.5%)


I've seen 1 in 6 women cited as well, although I don't recall where. Likely a feminist blog. I wouldn't put a full investment in statistical data from any report but I do think they give us a pretty fair idea of the full weight of the problem. Your idea to compare reports is good though. I might do some more research myself. Maybe we can compare notes.


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## Sara Torailles

screamofconscious said:


> @Torai I got upset for a minute there but I meant it when I said that you seem a decent sort of person. I start with the assumption that everybody (myself included) has sexist and racist beliefs. What makes having those beliefs completely forgivable is in the individuals willingness to unearth, examine and abandon such beliefs. Although you didn't say anything in particular that I found sexist, I think the same concept applies here.


It's true. Everyone has their own biases, because we feel. No matter what we do, we can't escape the fact that we do have biases. It's just something that we need to realize and nip in the bud before it ruins us. Information is the best way to do this. I used to be somewhat homophobic when I was 12 or so (I blame this book I read when I was in 4th grade. A "Christian perspective" is the worst way to learn about sex). Then I got to know a lot of gay people, most of who were friends with my sister. Also, I watched South Park. This information helped me to become a better person. I now am so accepting of homosexuality, I can hit on my guy friends unashamedly and am not offended when someone tells me that their first impression of me was that I was gay.


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## Vivid Melody

CeresZal said:


> That's bollocks, just because someone was abused, that doesn't give them an excuse to abuse another. If they were to think like this, the cycle would go on and on and never end.
> I don't know why but i feel so much anger and hate to the abusers. My mom was and i swear, if i had a death note, i would kill those people but i had learnt not to hate.
> Although, i believe she (and the rest of you who had so bravely shared here) do NOT deserved to be treated in that way. I've heard countless of stories on how children had been abused or raped. No matter what i say cannot heal the hurt. The damage had already been done. Tho i guess i'll say how proud i am of all of you and how sorry i am that this had to happen and how fucked up it is that this is so fucking common. Seriously, something needs to be done about this, but up till now, nothing has!
> (This world is so fucked up. No wonder i don't want to have any kids. I feel so shattered right now.) -.-
> /endrant
> Apologies for ranting/anger, i had known many people who were close to me and mean a lot to me and were abused horribly. :frustrating:


I never said it gives them an excuse, I just said that it does seem to be a trend and that I find it sad. I sympathize with each party - the abuser and the abused. I hate the abuse but I love the abuser because usually abusers are very hurt people too. It makes me just as sad. Sometimes it's hard to separate a person from their horrible deeds. I understand that. It's hard not to be bitter, not to hate, especially when your loved one has been so negatively affected by the person. I'm really sorry that so many people who are close to you were victims of such evil. It's awful


----------



## Space Cat

Vivid Melody said:


> I never said it gives them an excuse, I just said that it does seem to be a trend and that I find it sad. I sympathize with each party - the abuser and the abused. I hate the abuse but I love the abuser because usually abusers are very hurt people too. It makes me just as sad. Sometimes it's hard to separate a person from their horrible deeds. I understand that. It's hard not to be bitter, not to hate, especially when your loved one has been so negatively affected by the person. I'm really sorry that so many people who are close to you were victims of such evil. It's awful


 I know, i didn't claimed that you did either.. I know that they did. I've heard my mom saying how her abusers gave these lame excuses so i know. It's not an excuse, not at all.
Sorry that came out wrong.
Its true that they are sad to be taking out their hurt on others but i have met victims who doesn't do that and i've seen how strong they are. It's really simply just an excuse. Imo, they want us to think that way even tho it's true. :/
I kinda grew up 'defending' and 'protecting' the victims i knew. Including my mom.. yes, a kid protecting her mom, imagine that o.o
I'm sorry i took out all the anger here >.<'


----------



## Vivid Melody

CeresZal said:


> I know, i didn't claimed that you did either.. I know that they did. I've heard my mom saying how her abusers gave these lame excuses so i know. It's not an excuse, not at all.
> Sorry that came out wrong.
> Its true that they are sad to be taking out their hurt on others but i have met victims who doesn't do that and i've seen how strong they are. It's really simply just an excuse. Imo, they want us to think that way even tho it's true. :/
> I kinda grew up 'defending' and 'protecting' the victims i knew. Including my mom.. yes, a kid protecting her mom, imagine that o.o
> I'm sorry i took out all the anger here >.<'


Oh okay. Sorry, I got confused. Well I know my mom's dad didn't make any sort of excuse. I just knew the thing about his dad from what my mom told me and I connected the dots. That's pretty annoying for any abuser to justify their behavior by saying they were abused. That doesn't make it okay. And that is an excuse like you said.

It sounds like you've been through a heck of a lot. Don't apologize for taking out your anger. It's good to vent and I think you're entitled to it.


----------



## cheyenna

Oleas said:


> Fortunately I wasn't, and I don't know of anyone who was. What's surprising is that English speaking countries are the ones with the highest number of rapes. When it comes to percentages, Australia's the third country with the most rapes (0,78/1,000), Canada's fifth and America 9th, New Zealand 12th and United Kingdom 13th. Iceland is the only European country that rates higher than these (10th).


If no one has mentioned this yet, I'm betting that the reason is in English speaking countries, people are more likely to _report_ rape cases. So those numbers to me don't mean anything really because it's only a tally of instances reported. There are so so many more cases than that of unreported abuse and assault. All you have to do to realize that is look over this thread. Bad stuff happens everywhere. There isn't a country in the world that is safe from depraved people, but I do believe there is a lot more good in the world than bad. Somehow no matter how much progress and goodness there is though, there's always dark cloud over it.


----------



## William I am

I'll say this:
If something happened, you didn't intentionally think "I want to do xyz right now" and set out to do it with a specific person, and it did cause you problems then I would say the answer is probably yes.

I wasn't, but I've known a lot of people who were. The numbers are something like 1 in 7 by age 15 or 18 and 1 in 3 in a lifetime are sexually assaulted. In one of my classes recently, I learned that there are still physical responses when something happens, and that does not mean the victim enjoyed the experience in any way shape or form.

My intuition tells me that someone did something very bad to on of my sisters when she went away to college and I will not hesitate to kill him if I ever find out who he (I have specific reasons for thinking he and not she) is. I would consider torturing him first, but I just want him to be erased from the future quickly and quietly. I'm sure many people don't feel this way about people, but the majority of abusers were victims themselves. I do not use this language lightly, nor often.

This thread is depressing.... So I'll throw this out too:

We are not the situations we have been in. And if anybody wants a great big hug, I'm pretty good at those.


----------



## Oleas

cheyenna said:


> If no one has mentioned this yet, I'm betting that the reason is in English speaking countries, people are more likely to _report_ rape cases. So those numbers to me don't mean anything really because it's only a tally of instances reported. There are so so many more cases than that of unreported abuse and assault. All you have to do to realize that is look over this thread. Bad stuff happens everywhere. There isn't a country in the world that is safe from depraved people, but I do believe there is a lot more good in the world than bad. Somehow no matter how much progress and goodness there is though, there's always dark cloud over it.


I've already said this, I don't see how countries like France, Spain, Germany or Italy are less likely than English countries to report the rapes. And they're not as high on the list as the English speaking ones. They're just as aware of rapes and just as developed. So...And besides, in the statistics I saw, the other countries besides the US, Australia, etc, WERE under developed countries in war or countries where it's less likely for rapes to be reported. You do make a point, but I do think I do too. Almost everyone I know from the states or the UK, or else, know someone who's been molested or have been molested themselves, and in my own country I don't know a single one (or maybe one but that's it). I have no idea why that is.


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## freesight

yes, on several occasions. 
I thought it didn't affect me until i started getting intimate with someone, and it triggered back memories. When i became open about it and started to talk about it, i realized i was not the only one.


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## Michael82

Fizz said:


> I'm disgusted by molesters already, but when it's a parent, there's no words for how much hate I have towards them.


haters gonna hate =)


----------



## Michael82

To be honest, child molesting is probably closely related to the life we are living as human beings. People simply want to put one problem to the end of the world and that is quite regularly child abuse. Then those abusers aren't gonna get anything better of it. Instead, the hate just recycles the event.

If you want to live the right life that works towards less criminality such as child molesting then our western society is one of the last you are looking for. If you find it that important, then go to solve the problem around yourself and not reinforce it by physical or emotional hurt in places online or offline where you should'nt be involved with it at all, because that's one big reason why child abusers do what they do: used to get bullied.

Furthermore I think this thread should be in the sex section? Some underaged may read it :wink:


----------



## Fizz

Michael82 said:


> haters gonna hate =)


You can't stop me WHUT WHUT.


----------



## tuna

Michael82 said:


> To be honest, child molesting is probably closely related to the life we are living as human beings. People simply want to put one problem to the end of the world and that is quite regularly child abuse. Then those abusers aren't gonna get anything better of it. Instead, the hate just recycles the event.
> 
> If you want to live the right life that works towards less criminality such as child molesting then our western society is one of the last you are looking for. If you find it that important, then go to solve the problem around yourself and not reinforce it by physical or emotional hurt in places online or offline where you should'nt be involved with it at all, because that's one big reason why child abusers do what they do: used to get bullied.
> 
> Furthermore I think this thread should be in the sex section? Some underaged may read it :wink:


I had a little trouble understanding you, but this is what I got from your post:

1) we shouldn't criminalize or hate child molesters, because we're just perpetuating the cycle of hate

2) bullying causes child abuse

3) underaged people should not have access to information and stories about child sexual abuse

if I got any of these wrong, please correct me.


----------



## Quelzalcoatl

I have been sexually abused, yes, and for the longest time, I thought it hadn't bothered me. Now, this isn't the only incident in my youth that made me a psychological train wreck, but it definitely attributed to it. I thought I had worked it over - the man who did it was murdered only a year or so ago by a burglar. But I realised that, in all these years, I've never had the courage to admit it out loud, until a few months ago, when I had to 'fess up' at the psychologist, with my dad present.

I would really want to give advice to the people who were molested/abused, or people who are related to these people, but... honestly. I have no clue at all how to work through it. Even after so many years, I'm still trying to deal with it. They say time heals everything, but trust me, that's not true at all.


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## DemonMuse

Have I been sexually abused as a child? A big fucking YES. And that's the closest I will come right now at least to explaining my situation.



Michael82 said:


> To be honest, child molesting is probably closely related to the life we are living as human beings. People simply want to put one problem to the end of the world and that is quite regularly child abuse. Then those abusers aren't gonna get anything better of it. Instead, the hate just recycles the event.
> 
> If you want to live the right life that works towards less criminality such as child molesting then our western society is one of the last you are looking for. If you find it that important, then go to solve the problem around yourself and not reinforce it by physical or emotional hurt in places online or offline where you should'nt be involved with it at all, because that's one big reason why child abusers do what they do: used to get bullied.
> 
> Furthermore I think this thread should be in the sex section? Some underaged may read it :wink:


Firstly, I'm not sure I understand any of what you're saying.

"...the life we are living as human beings..." you say. Does this mean that human beings in general create child molesters and abusers of all kinds? 

"...then go to solve the problem around yourself and not reinforce it by physical or emotional hurt in places online or offline where you shouldn't be involved with it at all..." Are you saying that threads like these and other conversations across the web and IRL are HURTFUL TO THE MOLESTERS AND ABUSERS?! What the fuck, man! 

"...that's one big reason why child abusers do what they do: used to get bullied..." Seriously? You're defending the abusers by saying 'oh, they were bullied as children' ?! 

Lastly, why does it matter of some "underaged" might read it? Hm? One, thats not even a word. Two, they should be aware of whats happening. AND they should be able to get help and advice from others that have been through that shit. THATS why its on the advice forum, am I right?


----------



## Quelzalcoatl

DemonMuse said:


> Lastly, why does it matter of some "underaged" might read it? Hm? One, thats not even a word. Two, they should be aware of whats happening. AND they should be able to get help and advice from others that have been through that shit. THATS why its on the advice forum, am I right?


In addition to this, my opinion stands that it's good for children who are going through abuse, or have gone through it to know that _this is not the norm_. It is not _normal_ to be abused - sexually, emotionally and or physically - and that they oughtn't stand for it. I think it's good that this topic was addressed, for everyone to read and educate them, and I will not stand for someone to defend what urged some _guy_ to touch me when he had no effing right to. Thank you for trivialising it like that, Mr. Michael82, thank you _very_ much.


----------



## DemonMuse

Quelzalcoatl said:


> In addition to this, my opinion stands that it's good for children who are going through abuse, or have gone through it to know that _this is not the norm_. It is not _normal_ to be abused - sexually, emotionally and or physically - and that they oughtn't stand for it. I think it's good that this topic was addressed, for everyone to read and educate them, and I will not stand for someone to defend what urged some _guy_ to touch me when he had no effing right to. Thank you for trivialising it like that, Mr. Michael82, thank you _very_ much.


I swear I'd thank this post a thousand and one times if I could.  Thank you Quelzalcoatl.


----------



## Kelly617

Not when I was a child, thank god. 

A couple of years ago, I was staying with my uncle and aunt at their house in Ireland (there wasn't enough room for my whole family, so my parents were at my grandma's house a few minutes down the road), and my uncle got ridiculously drunk. After everyone else had gone to sleep, he came into the room I was staying in and tried to kiss me. When I told him to lay off, he started begging me to let him kiss me. After a while I had to literally get up and walk out of the room. When I heard him leave, I went back and tried to sleep, but he came back in and started getting under the quilt with me. I had to fight him off a bit, but when he tried to stick his hands down my pants, I'd pretty much had enough. I woke up both of his kids (under ten) and told them to go see their dad while I called my dad on the phone. 

My dad's a police officer...and seriously protective...so you can imagine the 3:00am scene from there. XD

The next day, he called to apologize, said he was really, really drunk and he'd never have done anything if he hadn't been. Then he begged me not to tell anyone else about what happened. I told everyone that it concerned every little detail. I think the only family members we spared the story were his kids and my grandma (she's 80 and doesn't handle stuff like this well). I'm very lucky I have the loving, supportive parents that I have, otherwise this really could have been awful. My brother basically wanted to murder him after that.

I haven't seen him since. It's sad really, he's been my uncle since I was 8...I was a bridesmaid at their wedding, and up until this point, I'd really quite liked the guy.


----------



## Michael82

Thanks for your replies anyway. Let me set a different tone, because if at all you deserve that :wink:

If any way you could help it, then find out what child sex molestors need in society what they have missed out on. Understanding these people may very well be the best cure. It may help you put your past into place and finally forget about it, because you know, there ARE people who get over it.

Hating these people isn't going to help and that's what any respectable grown-up person should agree with me on. In fact, let me put it this way: would you teach your child to hate?


----------



## tuna

Michael82 said:


> Thanks for your replies anyway. Let me set a different tone, because if at all you deserve that :wink:
> 
> If any way you could help it, then find out what child sex molestors need in society what they have missed out on. Understanding these people may very well be the best cure. It may help you put your past into place and finally forget about it, because you know, there ARE people who get over it.
> 
> Hating these people isn't going to help and that's what any respectable grown-up person should agree with me on. In fact, let me put it this way: would you teach your child to hate?


Nope. I am going to deal with my abuse however I damn well please, as long as it doesn't cause harm to someone else.

And tbh I don't give a fuck about what child molesters need. Maybe if they didn't, idk, assault children, I would be more sympathetic to their needs.

Really, I don't know what you're trying to accomplish by coming into a thread full of abuse survivors and condescending to us and dismissing our experiences.


----------



## whist

Wow, I never knew how common this is. I'm so...sad now. This is terrible.

I've never been sexually abused but now I wonder if I know anyone who was.

You are all amazing people for sharing your stories.


----------



## Michael82

tuna said:


> Really, I don't know what you're trying to accomplish by coming into a thread full of abuse survivors and condescending to us and dismissing our experiences.


In the end it's all up to you. I really do think we're on the same side. We hate injustice happening, but wouldn't recycle it to do injustice to other people.

In my country 4 pedophiles or so were brutally murdered once. What i am saying doesn't directly connect to abuse, but to violence and control in general. It's always bad to put one group away as the devil or whatever. From that retrospect I am not really pointing to you because like you said you don't care about them. I am pointing specifically at people trying to make pedophiles look like some monsters that kill anything that comes in their way.

Not only it doesn't solve the problem, it just adds more criminal events. And those events start with the belief that one group is bad. Look at religion..

There's a difference between people being pissed off for the injustice done to them and the people pissed off and actually working towards this kind of "group thinking".

Which is really idiotic if you think about it, because it allll recycles the hate. There's one part where we do wrong things and that can stick with you, and one part where wrong things are recycled once they're found, by this "groupthink". We can't help the first one, but we a choice on the last one. :wink:


----------



## Jennywocky

Michael82 said:


> If any way you could help it, then find out what child sex molestors need in society what they have missed out on. Understanding these people may very well be the best cure. It may help you put your past into place and finally forget about it, because you know, there ARE people who get over it.


While you sound rational, your ideas appear incredibly naive to me. 

From what I HAVE read and HAVE watched in documentaries, child molesters are compulsively driven to sexually engage children. Even those who work with them long-term as their actual occupation have no idea how to really help them or "give them what they need." Maybe you have some idea on what will cure them / help them not molest anymore? Because no one else has yet come up with it, let alone the molesters themselves.

I feel bad for them in that (1) they have these feelings to start with and (2) it's very very hard for them to make a clean start for themselves in society because [rightfully] no parent wants them near their kids, even if they are trying. Still, at the same time, you wouldn't let your child play around a dog that had previously been shown to compulsively bite people, just in order to "give the dog a chance." Maybe you don't put down the dog; but you sure as hell do not leave it running loose near your children. 

The molester cannot be claimed to be innocent, whereas the children TOTALLY are, so they deserve the most breaks here. Let's get some perspective on who has been victimizing who, and whether it makes sense to allow what is essentially an "addict" to hang around the object of their addiction while not expecting anything bad to occur. We do need to find an alternative for them away from children, due to having "served their time" when they get out of jail here in the States, but otherwise...?



> Hating these people isn't going to help and that's what any respectable grown-up person should agree with me on. In fact, let me put it this way: would you teach your child to hate?


I don't think hate has anything to do with it.

It's no wonder why responsible parents are pissed off when you sound like you are defending people who prey on the innocent and naive. Such behavior is the antithesis of what parenting actually is. Pedophiles are fucking up kids who don't know any better, just to please their own sexual desires. Can you understand why parents would react this way to those who would harm those in their charge? Heaven help a child molester who fucks around with my children in such a damaging, selfish, thoughtless way.

I don't think it's different to many THAN a child murderer, it's irreparable harm and the main difference is that with molestation the child is alive and now has to work through all the conflicting, confusing messages of shame for an entire lifetime, fighting to not perpetuate the confusion on others... whereas in the other, the child is dead and at least is at peace. Both crimes are terrible in their own regard.


----------



## Michael82

@tuna and others I'm so sorry that sometimes I sound like some smartass or wise-ass, I don't mean to tell you or anyone what life they should live.



Jennywocky said:


> While you sound rational, your ideas appear incredibly naive to me.
> 
> From what I HAVE read and HAVE watched in documentaries, child molesters are compulsively driven to sexually engage children. Even those who work with them long-term as their actual occupation have no idea how to really help them or "give them what they need." Maybe you have some idea on what will cure them / help them not molest anymore? Because no one else has yet come up with it, let alone the molesters themselves.
> 
> I feel bad for them in that (1) they have these feelings to start with and (2) it's very very hard for them to make a clean start for themselves in society because [rightfully] no parent wants them near their kids, even if they are trying. Still, at the same time, you wouldn't let your child play around a dog that had previously been shown to compulsively bite people, just in order to "give the dog a chance." Maybe you don't put down the dog; but you sure as hell do not leave it running loose near your children.
> 
> The molester cannot be claimed to be innocent, whereas the children TOTALLY are, so they deserve the most breaks here. Let's get some perspective on who has been victimizing who, and whether it makes sense to allow what is essentially an "addict" to hang around the object of their addiction while not expecting anything bad to occur. We do need to find an alternative for them away from children, due to having "served their time" when they get out of jail here in the States, but otherwise...?
> 
> 
> 
> I don't think hate has anything to do with it.
> 
> It's no wonder why responsible parents are pissed off when you sound like you are defending people who prey on the innocent and naive. Such behavior is the antithesis of what parenting actually is. Pedophiles are fucking up kids who don't know any better, just to please their own sexual desires. Can you understand why parents would react this way to those who would harm those in their charge? Heaven help a child molester who fucks around with my children in such a damaging, selfish, thoughtless way.
> 
> I don't think it's different to many THAN a child murderer, it's irreparable harm and the main difference is that with molestation the child is alive and now has to work through all the conflicting, confusing messages of shame for an entire lifetime, fighting to not perpetuate the confusion on others... whereas in the other, the child is dead and at least is at peace. Both crimes are terrible in their own regard.


Yes you are right that I am a very trusting person. But my trust is not on the scale of "what you do creates trust". Even though that is true in its own, the environment also largely moves people to do things. My trust adds the environment to the "what you do" part. Simply put: you do what you do, but when you see a tsunami coming towards you you're gonna start running.

Furthermore: "you reap what you saw". One of the things that creates human behavior is the creation of human behavior itself. Meaning that if a religious mother is going to raise her son with praying every day then it is going to create a habit related to feelings. I am not saying that the religion causes sexual abuse, but I am saying that in order to have someone really want to abuse on a regular scale there has to be a feeling for the habit.

Also I am naive :laughing:, but hopefully not THAT naive. I can imagine that some pedophiles have a bodily disfunction, which is a very nasty thought, but I can also imagine that pedophiles because of their past simply cannot avoid but to lie about who they are and to seek truth in their lies by their abuse.

Lastly what I find most important and what actually bothers me most, is that pedophiles do not understand what true love is. Did anyone ever think about that? No, because "love cannot be defined". And that which cannot be defined, cannot be researched. However, love has its boundaries and its laws. One of the laws is that both partners have to agree with loving, which is called "being in love". And I think we can get somewhere if we can say that kids do know how to have a crush but do not know how to be in love.

The dog story is somewhat true, but it is always a temporary solution and at the same time it hurts the child because he or she cannot live in freedom as we'd hope to. Next to that a human being should be able to make responsible choices. About the statement that a child is always innocent, this is true as well. 

I could think of so many more things and situations, but lastly I would like to say that _just maybe_ the sexual drift of the human being is being shaped and controlled by society which could cause deficiencies related to regular child sex abuse.


----------



## Jennywocky

Michael82 said:


> Yes you are right that I am a very trusting person. But my trust is not on the scale of "what you do creates trust". Even though that is true in its own, the environment also largely moves people to do things. My trust adds the environment to the "what you do" part. Simply put: you do what you do, but when you see a tsunami coming towards you you're gonna start running.


That would be prudent.



> Furthermore: "you reap what you saw". One of the things that creates human behavior is the creation of human behavior itself. Meaning that if a religious mother is going to raise her son with praying every day then it is going to create a habit related to feelings. I am not saying that the religion causes sexual abuse, but I am saying that in order to have someone really want to abuse on a regular scale there has to be a feeling for the habit.


I think you're failing to realize how genetics and environment work together to create behavior; also, there's an issue in that you're assuming that if behavior contributes to behavior, changing behavior is as simple as changing behavior.

Once behavior gets established it can burn a rut into the psyche. Remember those old green or white ATM screens? They would have the same screen message on them 24/7, except when someone used them... and eventually something called "burn-in" would occur, where even if the screen itself changed during operation, you could still see the burn-in pattern. Human behavior seems to work similarly -- sometimes stuff gets burned in, and it's very difficult or nearly impossible to change, even if (to follow the example) the ATM would start cycling through patterns / using screen savers to avoid burn-in. It's over and done with. The screen is permanently changed.



> Also I am naive :laughing:, but hopefully not THAT naive. I can imagine that some pedophiles have a bodily disfunction, which is a very nasty thought, but I can also imagine that pedophiles because of their past simply cannot avoid but to lie about who they are and to seek truth in their lies by their abuse.


"I can imagine / I cannot imagine." <-- IMO, very naive

*This is not about what you can or cannot imagine, this is where you need to actually study the case record.* 

You sound like those who "imagine" or "cannot imagine" that gay people can recieve reparative therapy and eventually become straight. What can or cannot be imagined is irrelevant to the actual data -- and for pedophiles, the actual case histories show that it's damned near impossible for the desires to be changed. Someone might be able to temporarily ignore them (by ignoring their sexuality) or focus energy elsewhere... but the feelings do not leave, and if triggers in the environment occur, someone can go right from "doing fine" to "molesting children." All it takes it the trigger and a temporarily inability to suppress the still-present desires. 

Sexual orientation/proclivity, out of all stimuli, seems the most resistant to true change/modification once it is established and/or realized.



> Lastly what I find most important and what actually bothers me most, is that pedophiles do not understand what true love is. Did anyone ever think about that? No, because "love cannot be defined". And that which cannot be defined, cannot be researched. However, love has its boundaries and its laws. One of the laws is that both partners have to agree with loving, which is called "being in love". And I think we can get somewhere if we can say that kids do know how to have a crush but do not know how to be in love.


Again, the naivety here is that you are advcating for pedophiles, worrying about their problems and trying to resolve their imagined "love issues," in a thread that is explicitly titled "Sexually Abused?" _in the Advice section_ of the forum. This thread is about those who have been abused and how they can deal with the abuse, NOT about somehow fixing/affirming/taking care of pedophiles. 

You would be receiving far less pushback (well, maybe) if you would simply start a new thread focused on pedophiles or molesters in the Sexuality or Psychology forum and discussing the issues involved. 

Right now, you come across as if you are prioritizing the abstracted, idealized, emotional needs of faceless molesters, as opposed to the obvious, concrete, personal struggles of members of this forum as they work through the ways in which they have been victimized.



> The dog story is somewhat true, but it is always a temporary solution and at the same time it hurts the child because he or she cannot live in freedom as we'd hope to. Next to that a human being should be able to make responsible choices. About the statement that a child is always innocent, this is true as well.


Again, you are operating from some internal abstracted ideal, without bothering to understand the actual pedophile mindset and case studies. Everything you say, it's "I imagine this" or "someone should be able to do this" or "maybe this". It's all pure imagination and conjecture. Let's deal with the reality of what we know molestation and pedophile behavior to be after a number of decades of studying it.



> I could think of so many more things and situations, but lastly I would like to say that _just maybe_ the sexual drift of the human being is being shaped and controlled by society which could cause deficiencies related to regular child sex abuse.


That might be true, but it is neither here nor there in regards to this thread.


----------



## He's a Superhero!

stiletto said:


> I have, as a child. Started in my pre-pubescent years (age 10 - 14). By two family members.
> 
> And it took until my early 20s to REALIZE what I experienced WAS abuse. I had experienced shame and guilt for a long time, feeling that I was exaggerating the experiences, that I somehow lead them to believe that I wanted/deserved it. It seemed normal as a kid.
> 
> I once tried to tell a parent, they brushed it off as nothing. So I never spoke a word about it. I told my husband and talked to people online under the veil of anonymity for LONG time before I was able to recognize it as abuse.
> 
> I highlighted those that applied to me.


Now you know, and knowing is an important step in recovery and progressing thru it.

I really think we should have a multiple choice poll with all the abuse types, because this poll feels so excluding to so much abuse that really has effected and changed people's lives.


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## pointee

I'm not sure if I was abused sexually in my baby/toddler/childhood years. However, my own mom and dad have treated me like I'm a property of theirs. And they have done terrible things to me out of hate/jealousy. They, like many parents are lecherous beasts. 

That's one of the reasons human sexuality can be seen as a defect. People have little compunction when it comes to extreme pleasure like sexual activities. And to experience them you'd have to view someone as a sex object. Hence a lot of people see human bodies as meat, be it children or adults. We already had the ability to orgasm very early on (there are images of fetus masturbating for eg.) I have had self-pleasure from very early on, perhaps from 5 of age.


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## pointee

Modifier said:


> No my father well protected me by keeping me inside all my teen years i didnt made any friends but i was able to pass that age with ease which defines your youth plus the fact that i was considered ugly or unattractive by most people also do me a favour when it was time i removed my shortcomings one by one still on it .Thats why i say that legal sex through marriage is a necessaity to avoid things like these plus so many porn or shy thing doesnt help either express your sexuality but just through words dont do it in real you want a virgin and a standard girl be a standard yourself first


Spousal rape is prevalent as well. Man raping wife. Woman raping husband. How does marriage prevent rape?


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## Lady Isla

These numbers are truly horrific. I know a few people who were sexually abused growing up and I remember having a conversation with my dad about the prevalence of abuse and how it bothered me. I always figured in first world countries that this wasn't a major issue anymore, but it really is.


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## EndsOfTheEarth

Obsidean said:


> Quite a full on question but were you sexually abused as a child? I have always thought this was just a normal thing a child has to grow through as they grow up. However, a few of my friends have told me its not.


Your friends are right. Sexual abuse of a child is not normal, it is however more common than is reported. Especially if the parent does not want to see what is happening and would rather turn a blind eye than deal with it. Yes there are many parents who will allow their children to be abused because they can't face the embarrassment of it or perhaps don't want to lose the 'love' of the partner is doing it. It's also quite common for the parent to blame the child for the abuse, particularly if the child is in puberty and the parent comes to see it as a result of the child's supposedly provocative behaviour or even feel threatened by that child's burgeoning sexuality. 

This idea that parents are overly protective of their children and would never see harm come to them is quite false. There are a lot of parents out there who openly exploit their own children or by acts of ommission allow harm to come to them. It really comes down to the neurosis of the parent as to whether or not the child is safe with them. Overall I have come to see human's as a largely predatory species with a far higher percentage than officially believed, to possess sociopathic and psychopathic behaviours. Being genetically linked to such individuals is no protection from them.


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## aef8234

I..
..
Now that you mention it, I have a pretty good memory about everything.
But now that I think back? There's a certain event <actually events, but, this one pertains to the topic, so I'll focus on that> that's a bit blurry.

I remember being convinced by some guy to hop into some car, and then I remember a gun being pointed at me, and then I forgot the rest.

Considering I'm alive, I probably didn't die then, but the implications and the fact that it's Philippines?
Then again, from I've been told I was unstable back then, like actual mental illness crazy <I have no idea how that got cured>, and other memories at the time are a bit.. surreal. So, I have no idea what to make of it.

Ahwell, childhood is childhood. Bigger memory holes to worry about, like not remembering who was the guy that had the God Complex and tried to go to the Middle-East.


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## GoosePeelings

I'm truly glad I haven't been abused and that no one I know personally has been abused. Finland's safe enough.


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## Slagasauras

Hmmm, I'm certainly not sure what happened, like many other posters here.
But what happened to me is something I feel traumatized about, I cannot look back at it without feeling anxious or within the moment.
Sometimes, when I see the person who did it, I become very anxious and nervous. 
Whether they did that to me or not; I have to feel this way for some reason.

It's a very hard thing to figure out for people.


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