# When is the right time to have sex?



## Cherry (May 28, 2017)

How soon is too soon? When is not soon enough? 

I would love to hear from people who have successfully entered into a *committed, respectful, long-term relationship.*

Just answer the closest-to in the poll, and feel free to elaborate if you wish.


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## pwowq (Aug 7, 2016)

The current and most successful relationship in my life, we had sex after date 1. I'm not saying it's the "right thing to do" but it surely didn't ruin anything.


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## Hexigoon (Mar 12, 2018)

Mm, no option for it happening before the first date. 

Although technically it's always been a little complicated for me, since I only find myself getting into LDRs. My most successful one is where I bonded with them for over a year first before any of that stuff happened. 
Since the sex part came first I quite liked that the first official date we had actually felt more intimate and special than had it been if there was some underlying sexual motivation behind it.


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## grigter (Feb 23, 2020)

Depends on intentions. When I first met my wife, I could have sex with her on the first date, since we were drunk enough. But I refused, saying that I did not want this, because I have more serious intentions on her account than just sex. So, it depends on intentions....


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## angelfish (Feb 17, 2011)

Oh darn well I just came in to opine that I prefer it in the evening which is occasionally a source of sexual frustration because my partner prefers the morning! Different kind of _timing_, eh...

As for this kind of time, well, I think it involves when, yourself, are comfortable being sexual, when your partner is comfortable being sexual, when you are comfortable being sexual with one another, and when you are both in a physically healthy place to be able to do so. For two athletic, confident, judicious adults that could be sex on first meeting. For someone who has strong religious beliefs and is very young and perhaps has been ill or traumatized in the past then that might mean waiting even a long time into a marriage.

For the committed/respectful/long-term relationship I'm currently in, it was several months. I suspect 3 months is about the average amount of time that it becomes comfortable for me - enough time for me to really get to know someone, to develop sexual attraction to them, and to develop enough of a sense of judgment regarding them that I have determined that they are a healthy partner for me and myself for them.


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## Phil (Dec 27, 2010)

I'm discounting my first relationship despite it lasting a decade on and off, because we were teenagers when we first started and hormones made that decision for us more than anything. But for me now as a demisexual it takes quite a while for me to feel comfortable enough to do that (discounting LDRs, because we know so much about each other by the first time we meet). Preferably somewhere between 3-6 months, when we're practically moved in. I really don't like dating as a form of learning about someone, it all feels forced and everyone's seen when they're at their best, all prettied up. Give me someone coming home when they've had a shit day, take all their makeup off, and we'll sit around talking about how much life can suck, then I'll really know something about them.


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## Purrfessor (Jul 30, 2013)

angelfish said:


> Oh darn well I just came in to opine that I prefer it in the evening which is occasionally a source of sexual frustration because my partner prefers the morning! Different kind of _timing_, eh...
> 
> As for this kind of time, well, I think it involves when, yourself, are comfortable being sexual, when your partner is comfortable being sexual, when you are comfortable being sexual with one another, and when you are both in a physically healthy place to be able to do so. For two athletic, confident, judicious adults that could be sex on first meeting. For someone who has strong religious beliefs and is very young and perhaps has been ill or traumatized in the past then that might mean waiting even a long time into a marriage.
> 
> For the committed/respectful/long-term relationship I'm currently in, it was several months. I suspect 3 months is about the average amount of time that it becomes comfortable for me - enough time for me to really get to know someone, to develop sexual attraction to them, and to develop enough of a sense of judgment regarding them that I have determined that they are a healthy partner for me and myself for them.


I was thinking 10 o'clock


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## NT the DC (May 31, 2012)

I am willing to lay the pipe on the first date and consider a long term relationship.
Although I have had numerous one night stands because I wasn't interested in a long term relationship with them lol.

I always felt bad for people who needed to wait until marriage for sex. I actually dated a very fit and attractive gal who seemed like she was wild in bed. Found out that she was the most boring lay I've ever had and had a hard time historically of even getting wet. That wasn't the entire reason we split, I mean I even tried working with it because she was attractive but what a sad day if you had to commit to that forever before a test run.


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## The Dude (May 20, 2010)

Whenever both people are ready...I don't think there is a static universal time period.


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

It probably depends more on whether you're compatible with the person (how your relationship goes), rather than when you have sex with them.

My last long term relationship, it was longer than a month. I think even longer without sex would have been better for me too. I think I had some arbitrary number like fifteen dates--so definitely over a month (I was 22, I'd do it differently now). I haven't had sex since 2011 and I prefer it and also waiting for intimacy until everything seems right (which so far seems like it's not going to happen but hopefully one day).

But it ultimately didn't work out because we weren't compatible.

I definitely think waiting longer is better for me, personally, but I don't think it will ultimately affect whether the relationship is good or secure. I think it's just a reflection of my preferences and what feels comfortable to me. 

Benefits of waiting:

You get to know the other person's body slowly, and are probably going to be a little bit more knowledgeable about what they like/dislike (or would like/dislike) before you have sex.

There are so many different ways of touching that can be explored besides sex. So waiting to have sex probably increases the chances that you'll explore more of these ways, because that's all that is available.

It can give you a chance of seeing how your dynamic of physical boundaries works when you have stated clear boundaries about sex.

None of that guarantees a good relationship though.

The only answer I would really stick by is the best time to have sex is when you feel comfortable having sex, and that is when you choose to do it (and your partner also chooses to do it). And to wait as long as you feel like waiting too.

I wouldn't wait till marriage, personally. But I prefer waiting longer until I feel physically and emotionally secure.

I think the drawback is that it adds an extra level of lust and desire that wouldn't be there--and that's not going to ensure you have a good relationship. But sex will probably be a goal and highly anticipated, if you haven't had it, while a relationship depends on so much more. So that desire might not help clarify how you are or aren't compatible...whereas if you'd already had sex it's not going to be something you wonder about. It might be harder to end the relationship before experiencing it? Idk.

Unfortunately relationships are so tricky, but I think it's good for people to just wait till they're comfortable, and to practice that kind of respect of boundaries together. My old coworker dated for six months before she ended up having sex with her husband. And they were married for thirty years or something (and still are).


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## Purrfessor (Jul 30, 2013)

The Dude said:


> Whenever both people are ready...I don't think there is a static universal time period.


10 o'clock


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## Catwalk (Aug 12, 2015)

You can sleep with relationship-minded males [or low in demand males with limited options] right away. At worst, he'll become more clingy. Typically average men and below, but there are some physically attractive IXXX types that you can lock down that do not play the field - but they go off the market & get taken fast.

Sex-driven men that play the field are a hit or miss unless you are have a fantastic vagina & good sex skill(s). If you are not confident you can lockdown a man through sex, do not it. At worst, you'll wake up to a note on a stand & have to block his number & try again. 

If sexual chemistry is important, do it right away. IME, males that want a relationship with you are crazy about you & will not let you go. They do not care when you screw them. First date or within 4 month(s). It is usually the female specimen with all the hang-ups. 

The earliest (PIV) has occurred for me is within a little over a month. There is also oral sex & other thing(s) in between.


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## shameless (Apr 21, 2014)

I’d say any of the people I had a serious relationship with was knowing them for a while, there was more of a mutual acquaintance period of bantering back and forth and seeing each other around and flirting. Prior to any first hook up and or date. In which case the hookup and date thing was sort of simultaneous because we’d already been dancing around each other for a period of time. As far as people where I was serious and mutually exclusive and fell for and entered relationship.

That above however should not be confused with hit and quit it dates or flings screwing on first date after basically just meeting. As above means knowing the people prior vs meeting and hooking up. I don’t tend to stay or try to stay with people I have just met and hooked up with right away. They are either extremely apathetic or extremely idealistic. 

So from my experience it’s not so much if you hooked up on first date but how long you knew them prior (again based off my experience). 

I tend to usually view casual dates where we meet and hook up as just that. I don’t really get emotionally invested in that. While in some isolated cases it may not apply. I do think there is somewhat an unspoken code most daters sorta know if there was a hookup right away it’s a mutual hit and quit it. I just look at these people as buffers in between. I mean while something can always occur with those things I don’t think people should ever expect something to developers or transpire out of that sort of interaction. I have always thought it was weird when friends of mine would be crushing on a hookup hoping to date. Well then why the hell did ya screw then right away is usually my thought.


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## integra (Nov 7, 2019)

when you wanted to, that is as the first fantasy dictated, be that the first night of meeting or the wedding night.


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## NIHM (Mar 24, 2014)

Can I pick an option that states whenever the user feels like it's the right time to have sex?

I'm not going to judge someone if they want to have a fun bang on the first date, having sex on the first five minutes of meeting a stranger, or judging if they keep their virginity till marriage. It's your body do what you want with it. Every scenario feels different with each individual you meet on any given day of your mood. 

Though funny part of this post. When is the right time to have sex? Whenever my man wants it.


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## attic (May 20, 2012)

I don't know, this is a typical depends-question I think. Both on the people, and the cicumstances. I don't think there is much to win if really feeling like it, just because of some principle, then I think you just loose positive experiences (and especially waiting for a long time, even if feeling like it, for me, feels like it is a pitty, as the first infatuation might get more stable, and then you have missed the experience of the passion that could be, but that is individual I am sure). But to push oneself to something despite not being comfortable doesn't seem like it will ever lead to a good experience either. So, depends.


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## NT the DC (May 31, 2012)

I thought about this and it likely depends on type to an extent.
I tend to go for females that are aggressive in a relationship. 
Initially flirtacious and will essentially let me know in some manner they want to have sex right away.

For example I worked with a gal and we didn't flirt we were friendly. After we both quit the job she hit me up on facebook, we weren't friends prior on fb.
Since we had a friendly work relationship I was able to establish we hang out for her birthday on a fun trip to vegas. We literally had not dated prior.

Before we had sex the first night of the trip she acted like "oh you knew this was going to happen" as I pulled condoms out.
I was like, "Well if you agree to spend the night with someone after you contacted them and established you were single, it kind of is obvious right?".

I didn't look at her in a negative light and actually I dug it. She went after me and got me. I tend to throw lures out and if I get a bite I pounce. Aggressive women tend to bite and throw their own lures - and have sex right away.


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## daleks_exterminate (Jul 22, 2013)

I've traditionally waited a long time (grew up very religious, and sex before marriage was viewed as a bad thing) and quite honestly I can say the people that I dated who believed that were pretty shitty people. I don't think it's the wanting to wait in itself, but ascribing inherent meaning to virginity always seemed gross. Like this "you're pure and so I'll respect you" k, but that reaks of gross misogyny and if you need that to respect someone I don't want to be with you. Like even as a religious virgin hearing things like "boys will be boys" and the ever gross "a key that opens many locks is a good key but a lock that is opened by many keys is a bad lock" (and yes, people have actually said that) made me pretty sure I didn't want to lose my virginity on my wedding night to some disgusting asshole who viewed the world that way. I think that's probably the reason I ended up losing my virginity when I did. I was bored and it wasn't love, but I couldn't wait to throw that into the trash given the gross list of people interested in me seemingly because of it. 

*I've waited 6 months to even kiss someone * (he wanted that). *With someone else I technically had sex in a blanket fort on our first date *(after being good friends for over a year).

*I married the guy I had sex on the first date with. * He's practical, funny, smart, witty, knows what he wants and doesn't do stupid mind games. 10/10. 

*
Anyone that has to have a specific date to respect the other, be invested, or have good intentions wouldn't be interesting enough for me personally to have taken seriously or respect.*

Edit to add that I dislike the idea of dating to get to know someone. It's weird and terrible and I don't see why people do that. I've rarely dated people I didn't already know pretty well and when I have, it's always blown up in my face. In that case it would be longer because I wouldn't even know if I were attracted to them for a while. I've almost exclusively dated people I already had a context where I knew them. I guess that's weird.


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## Cherry (May 28, 2017)

Catwalk said:


> IME, males that want a relationship with you are crazy about you & will not let you go. They do not care when you screw them. First date or within 4 month(s). It is usually the female specimen with all the hang-ups.


Ok this is basically what I wanted to hear


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## Cherry (May 28, 2017)

NIHM said:


> Though funny part of this post. When is the right time to have sex? Whenever my man wants it.


Lol, how about whenever _you _want it. ;P


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## NIHM (Mar 24, 2014)

Frankly My Dear said:


> Lol, how about whenever _you _want it. ;P


I'm not dom, I like it sub-style  

Again each person's quirk.


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## Lucan1010 (Jul 23, 2018)

I think it depends. If it's someone I didn't already know, 3-5 dates. Perhaps less if it's someone I've known for a long time. I'm not opposed to having sex sooner, I just probably wouldn't initiate it. Of course, I don't date very often, so I probably don't have the best sample size to base my preferences on.


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## Cherry (May 28, 2017)

Lucan1010 said:


> I think it depends. If it's someone I didn't already know, 3-5 dates. Perhaps less if it's someone I've known for a long time. I'm not opposed to having sex sooner, I just probably wouldn't initiate it. Of course, I don't date very often, so I probably don't have the best sample size to base my preferences on.


I guess then, my question is, let's say after 3-5 dates you did it. Would you still have the capacity to have respect for the person and potentially want a long-term future with her?


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## Cherry (May 28, 2017)

NIHM said:


> I'm not dom, I like it sub-style
> 
> Again each person's quirk.


hehe you don't have to be dom to want to be close to your man ;P


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## NIHM (Mar 24, 2014)

Frankly My Dear said:


> hehe you don't have to be dom to want to be close to your man ;P


Lols, there's not any moment I don't want it. I have a high sex drive. Really no man has outdone my endurance. He has a very healthy sex drive, mine is just always more to an unrealistic level to expect. I know mine in previous relationships would be unfair to the male so I've learned to tapper and control it. It's weird there is no sex drive when I'm single or for strangers but when I'm (owned) my sex drive goes up exponentially. It's really hard to explain. I also recognize that not any human being is owned but for my own sexual kink that's what is translated in the bed. I can exhaust most males if I don't taper it down. 

When talking with my friends and we would discuss how much we have sex. My friend would confess it takes her weeks if not once a month to have sex. I'm like whatttttt? I've noticed this with a lot of my female friends. That they control the bed. They have sex when they want sex but it's far less frequent than my desires. Though again it's my kink because when a male wants me to control the bed and is submissive I have a hard time getting excited and start losing my sexual drive. 

So again I know my level is not logical so I just taper it to when he wants sex, which is still a lot. We certainly have more sex than the average couple. That the average adult currently enjoys sex 54 times a year, which equates to about once a week. We're above that number.

Like I said everyone's different we all have our kinks. I have mine, you have yours.


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## Cherry (May 28, 2017)

NIHM said:


> Lols, there's not any moment I don't want it. I have a high sex drive. Really no man has outdone my endurance. He has a very healthy sex drive, mine is just always more to an unrealistic level to expect. I know mine in previous relationships would be unfair to the male so I've learned to tapper and control it. It's weird there is no sex drive when I'm single or for strangers but when I'm (owned) my sex drive goes up exponentially. It's really hard to explain. I also recognize that not any human being is owned but for my own sexual kink that's what is translated in the bed. I can exhaust most males if I don't taper it down.
> 
> When talking with my friends and we would discuss how much we have sex. My friend would confess it takes her weeks if not once a month to have sex. I'm like whatttttt? I've noticed this with a lot of my female friends. That they control the bed. They have sex when they want sex but it's far less frequent than my desires. Though again it's my kink because when a male wants me to control the bed and is submissive I have a hard time getting excited and start losing my sexual drive.
> 
> ...


Ooooh how long have you guys been together? Sorry, I edited out the rest of my paragraph, I felt it was a little personal so I've PM'd you if that's ok.


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## Lucan1010 (Jul 23, 2018)

Frankly My Dear said:


> I guess then, my question is, let's say after 3-5 dates you did it. Would you still have the capacity to have respect for the person and potentially want a long-term future with her?


I mean, yeah? If I'm having sex with someone I probably like them. Regardless of how things end up, I'm not sure how having sex with someone would lower my respect for them in any way.


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## Cherry (May 28, 2017)

Lucan1010 said:


> I mean, yeah? If I'm having sex with someone I probably like them. Regardless of how things end up, I'm not sure how having sex with someone would lower my respect for them in any way.


I don't know, I grew up being told it was "cheap" and I'll just get used (and so far I have been, albeit I think I'm worth much more), so I get a little paranoid about the outcomes of my actions.

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk


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## Meliodas (Nov 16, 2016)

Like most social questions, there isn't a single correct method to approach every scenario here. Some people want sex on the first date. Others want to wait until marriage. Who you choose to have sex with and the situations you are willing to do it in are primarily matters of taste.

Perhaps the best way to answer this question would be to figure out what you want in a partner, as people vary greatly in their erotic style. Create an image of your ideal mate and write down what you notice, then start to analyze the data: what is the man/woman like? Are they cautious or risk-taking? Refined or grounded? What does this suggest about the frequency and nature of sex? etc etc.

Beyond this, my only advice would be to enjoy the process of becoming intimate. Remember to give your partner the benefit of the doubt, because they are probably just as nervous as you are.


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## ButIHaveNoFear (Sep 6, 2017)

Over the course of talking a lot on the phone late at night for a few weeks, we went on one (secret) group date, one dinner date, and one date at his house. I guess that's three dates!


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## Cherry (May 28, 2017)

ButIHaveNoFear said:


> Over the course of talking a lot on the phone late at night for a few weeks, we went on one (secret) group date, one dinner date, and one date at his house. I guess that's three dates!


Hehe, how long have you been together/dating now? c:


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## Introvertia (Feb 6, 2016)

When you feel like it, obviously.


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## Cherry (May 28, 2017)

Introvertia said:


> When you feel like it, obviously.


glad it's so obvious for you.


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## Introvertia (Feb 6, 2016)

Frankly My Dear said:


> glad it's so obvious for you.


Thank you, me too.


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## Lucan1010 (Jul 23, 2018)

Frankly My Dear said:


> I don't know, I grew up being told it was "cheap" and I'll just get used (and so far I have been, albeit I think I'm worth much more), so I get a little paranoid about the outcomes of my actions.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk


That's fair. I think what's important is to know what you personally are comfortable with. I came from a very conservative religious background, so coupling that with how picky I am with dating it took me a while to figure that out.


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## R.O.B. (Aug 1, 2015)

I just want to know who the other person besides myself who voted for "after marriage" is.


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

Frankly My Dear said:


> I don't know, I grew up being told it was "cheap" and I'll just get used


I think that one of the problems with having sex with someone before you really know them, is they could be the type of person who has bad intentions or doesn't really value people for who they are, or just has really negative or disrespectful views about women. Or they just might not be compatible for a relationship. Or they might not know what they want, or they might just want casual sex.

So that's one thing waiting does, is it allows you to get to know the person and how they treat you over time before you become intimate, and how invested they are in you and your friendship together. And also maybe can help make sure that both of you know what you want and that you want and that it what.

Or at least increase the chances of that--it can still take a long time, even years, to really know a person. So I think it's not just a matter of timing but also just being able to keenly observe the person.

But I don't think men automatically lose respect (that'd be kind of hypocritical and dumb), though I am sure some men do. I see it more as a problem of not really knowing the person well, their values or goals in the relationship and in life, and the compatibility. Which could include identifying what men are just looking to use women.

I don't think everyone ends up being able to only date long term friends that they've known for years, so getting to know someone is important and also sort of scary. If sex feels very intimate and vulnerable to you, you might not enjoy casual sex with someone who you don't know well. It's most important to listen to what you want and need, emotionally and physically.


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## Purrfessor (Jul 30, 2013)

R.O.B. said:


> I just want to know who the other person besides myself who voted for "after marriage" is.


I'm still waiting for marriage to have sex.


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## Wisteria (Apr 2, 2015)

You really can't tell when you're ready to have sex, it's like a spur of the moment thing. At least for me. With my bf we both weren't comfortable with the idea of doing it too soon, I imagined i would feel really uncomfortable and he probably did too. He said after 3 dates and I said 3 dates or even more...We ended up doing it the first night we met in person 

In the past I have not wanted to have sex after the first date. I think it has been after the third but still i wasn't very into it. I wasn't compatible with them and i realise that now.


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## Cherry (May 28, 2017)

WickerDeer said:


> I think that one of the problems with having sex with someone before you really know them, is they could be the type of person who has bad intentions or doesn't really value people for who they are, or just has really negative or disrespectful views about women. Or they just might not be compatible for a relationship. Or they might not know what they want, or they might just want casual sex.
> 
> So that's one thing waiting does, is it allows you to get to know the person and how they treat you over time before you become intimate, and how invested they are in you and your friendship together. And also maybe can help make sure that both of you know what you want and that you want and that it what.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your insightful response, Wickerdeer <3 Good food for thought


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