# SJs: Can you romantically in love with more than one person?



## Imightbecrazy

...quietly listening from the corner....particularly wondering about the weirdest visitor...and thanking God I am sane after all...

Stepping out of room now....quietly...


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## Marimeli

Question, to clarify a different perspective:

Are you equating love with relationships? Love is a feeling and a relationships are a behavior you exhibit (hopefully) relative to the feeling of love. By that definition yes, you should theoretically be able to love more than one person, even in a romantic way. Whether you act on those feelings, as in the examples above where the people are cheating on their SOs, is a different matter entirely.

It is entirely possible that some people cannot divorce their feelings from their behaviors. Or only recognize feelings from the behaviors they exhibit, in sort of a metabehavioral way. Those people, such as the poster above whose sense of logic cannot reconcile a feeling of love for more than one person, may not experience this. Others, who dichotomize and separate the experience of feeling love from the choice whether or not to act on it, may perfectly well be able to fall in love with multiple people, even if they never act out those feelings.

This may be the INFP in me talking, and I know the thread was directed toward SJs. But it wasn't clear whether those in the examples provided were necessarily SJs.


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## Marimeli

And a very late-to-the-game post...but I'm a n00b so you'll forgive me.


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## lenabelle

I think you can love more than one person at a time, but it's not the same kind of romantic love. In terms of being with someone though, there can be only one. Even if I love more than one guy, it's my job to make up my mind about it and let the other go, because as an SJ, I don't think it's fair to string more than one person along. Anna is being selfish.


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## friction

WickedQueen said:


> So, if I'm Andy, I will choose my current gf and I will have no more romantic feelings for my ex, even if I still care about her. If I'm Anna, I'll choose one bf at a time.
> 
> SJs, what about you? Can you romantically in love with more than one person? Can you love a person which you can't have (i.e someone whose already married or in a relationship with another person)? Can you love a person who said he/she is romantically in love with you, but also in love with another person(s)?


Anyone I've ever fallen for still owns a piece of my heart. 

If at the highest point in the relationship they owned 75% of it, after it's over they'll own 5%. I may never speak to them again, I may resent them and I may feel bitter but all the same, a piece of my heart is gone. I wouldn't call it love, but rather loyalty, or maybe gratitude. 

Loyalty to the idea that at one point I had committed myself to him, because I had faith in things working out. It doesn't work out in the end, but I have to believe that it _could've_ if X and Y had been different. Gratitude for all the experiences and new things I learned from that relationship. 

So, again, I don't know how 'love' is defined, but different types might define what love is differently. Maybe loyalty + gratitude = love or maybe it just = caring. At the end of the day, I know with each progressive relationship, my heart is less and less whole and pure, so I choose very carefully who I give it to. 

I wouldn't want to - and couldn't maybe - handle two different relationships at the same time if they were both satisfying the same needs. That would go against the concept of full loyalty to the person I am currently involved with. 

If two relationships satisfy me in different ways (Relationship 2 satisfies what Relationship 1 can't, and Relationship 1 satisfies what Relationship 2 can't), then I would have a crush on each person. It's not love though, with love comes full loyalty as mentioned previously.


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## SnowFairy

WickedQueen said:


> SJs, what about you? Can you romantically in love with more than one person?


Nope! Once I fall for a guy, he might as well be the only guy on the planet as far as I'm concerned. ;P 
It's partly a loyalty thing, and partly the fact that I don't form close bonds with very many people. So once I find somebody whom I can actually "click" with, I cherish that connection and will do just about anything to protect it. 
Also, being and SJ (ISTJ), I can never do anything that defies my strict moral code; and that means no cheating - neither physical nor emotional.


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## Christie42476

I can't speak for anyone else, but I can't be romantically in love with more than one person at a time. And I don't "fall" out of love -- the person would have to commit some serious transgressions to destroy those kinds of feelings in me. But, conversely, though platonic love comes easily to me and is felt for many people, romantic love is extremely rare for me.

I can definitely understand the situation with "Andy" far better than the one with "Anna", though. Developing feelings for someone new before your feelings for his/her predecessor have completely dissipated is a situation I can grasp, but carrying on with multiple people at a time -- and claiming to be in love with all of them -- is completely beyond me.


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## EmileeArsenic

For me the answer is no, I cannot be romantically in love with more than one man at a time (I'm a heterosexual female of the human persuasion). 

While I am still in touch with one of my exes, no longer love him. He's a great guy, hilarious, physically attractive, and a great friend, but I don't love him. He broke my heart once and after that, he doesn't get another chance. I can be interested in more than one guy at a time and casually date multiple, but once I get to the point where I'm ready to sleep with one, I lose interest in the others. I'm monogomous by nature, and it's very difficult for me to get into relationships, but once I'm past a certain point, my mind is made up and my eyes see only one.

I can also miss my situation with a previous while starting up with someone new, but that's not the same as still being in love with him. Missing the old one is, for me, anyway, almost hoping the current will get to or past that point. I recall and relate things. One drumming up old good times with the previous is a good thing because it means I'm having similar experiences, and am enjoying him, it doesn't mean I prefer the previous to him.


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## Aenima__

Can you romantically in love with more than one person?
Yes, I believe you can. I believe love holds no bounds if you let it. I am trying this Polyamory lifestyle, and I must say the hardest part is finding like-minded people.

Can you love a person which you can't have (i.e someone whose already married or in a relationship with another person)?

No. there is many factors to this. 1)are they Polyamory? 2)if they are could they reciprocate the same feeling? 3)Does the other partner know of this?
If its all answered "yes" then Im pretty sure I could. As long as its not a secret. 

 Can you love a person who said he/she is romantically in love with you, but also in love with another person(s)?

Of course, as long as they are following the same lifestyle as I and as long as all other parties are involved. I would feel even more comfortable if I could meet them myself. Even be friends.

...In my opinion in all of this: If the right people are together and are mature enough to handle this I dont see how its a problem.I have heard many stories of Poly relationships working. Its compromise,trust and respect. As long as those words are met then there can be no serious problems. I know all relationships have problems, all people are not going to get along. To be completely honest a very high percentage of people dont follow the true definition of Monogamy which is to spend the rest of your life with one partner and one partner only.


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## Holgrave

Can you romantically in love with more than one person? 
Nope. My interest can be aroused by more than one person, but nope, once I choose someone, I'm in till the end.

Can you love a person which you can't have (i.e someone whose already married or in a relationship with another person)?
Nope. I started liking a friend of mine, but he ended up being gay. I immediately cut off those feelings.

Can you love a person who said he/she is romantically in love with you, but also in love with another person(s)?
Hmm, I'd probably get too jealous and insecure.


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## Mendi the ISFJ

I think its more likely that Andy is wondering if he made the right decision by leaving Anna, and its driving him nuts, hes remembering the feelings he had with her back then and the ones he more recently has for his gf. I think that remembering love is a strong feeling especially for S types and F types can really hold onto feelings. Bottom line is that even though Anna was in multiple relationships its doubtful that Andys new gf is going to be ok with him dating more than one girl at a time. So he ultimately is going to have to make a decision and hes going to have a hard time doing that. I think its possible to love more than one person at a time... its just difficult to do so at the same levels. Life is so big and our hearts so spacious that its hard to say that one could never love more than one person, even if it is in different ways.


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## Wakachi

There's nothing wrong with polyamory because in essence, it is still a practical way to build a community. Every older peer is a "dad" (actual or not) or someone's "mom" and it would discourage violence (How DO you know you're not smacking you're own kid?). Nowadays, we reduced to teachers but you wouldn't want to put intimacy between teacher and children now, will you?

I have found someone who's good for me "on paper" because he shares the same dreams, but at the end, so can my possible colleagues (and what if I change dreams? I'm still young). I still stick myself to my SO, whom I learn to deal with imperfections.


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## snapdragons

I can't have romantic interest for more than one person because romantic interest for me signifies desiring a close emotional and intimate bond which includes sexuality. I couldn't be sexually involved with more than one person at the same time, as it would appear to be infidelity to me and it's a form of self-abuse, IMO. I agree with WickedQueen, in the matter that you need to choose. We do, after all, choose to love someone because loving someone romantically/sexually includes accepting their faults. That's a lot to do, and to do that for more than one person? You might as well rip my heart out.


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