# INFJ/INFP friendship: Is this normal? Can I fix it?



## ToiletWater13 (Jun 7, 2011)

*I thought this thread would either go in the INFP or Advice-Seeking forums section, but, since I don't think my question/advice-seeking relates solely to the INFP-type, I thought it would be better placed in the advice-seeking forum. If it's poorly placed, I will be happy to move it.*

*To clear up any possible pre-conceived notions, I don't believe either of us really has romantic feelings for each other. The situation is that the two of us have been internet friends for somewhere near a year, and we used to talk a lot before the summer. We talk online at a roleplaying forum (for writing) and she has told me, over and over, that she trusts me and she feels like she can tell me anything. She keeps telling me I'm "awesome," and she says a lot about how much she appreciates me- and I'm pretty sure she means it. Personality types came up at one point in our conversations (we had prior discussed a general like of psychology), and that's how we know each other's type. *

*The thing that bothers me is that, for the last two and a half months, she doesn't really seem to want to talk to me- even though, when on a rare occasion, we do, she says she loves it and she really cares about me and that she "really does want to talk to me." She could've fooled me- because, whenever I try to send her the private messages on the website I mentioned, she'll totally abandon the conversation within one or two replies. She hasn't responded to me in the forum at all. The website also has an IM system; she used to respond to me on it, but I guess that was before she figured out how to use it. Since she's figured out how to use it, she won't reply to me that often. *

*Since I found out that she was an INFP, even though I'm an INFJ (and thus, obviously, and "I"), I decided to try to be sensitive to the fact that she's an introvert, too- which was why I caved and even sent her private messages or IMs, in the first place. It kind of bothers me, though, when she tells me she's on summer vacation and has said to me, in her own words, that she "spends all day moping around, waiting around for her friends to get on facebook." Should I be taking a hint, here? I feel really bad by continuing to message her with issues I'm having, because I have had at least one or two before and I don't want this to turn into a "Talk to me all the time if you want to be my friend, ever." But, to be candid, the fact that she's damn near told me I'm her best friend ("I can't trust anyone else with this information but you," "You're the only person who cares to listen to me talk about my personal stuff,"), keeps telling me how much she loves talking to me and saying how "awesome" I am- really starts to hurt when you've been online all day, seen her online all day (not on facebook, on the site we met on, and that site will log you off if you're inactive for a certain amount of time), and then she complains that she never gets to see her friends online. We did have a very nice conversation the other day, but I think that was mostly because we were both feeling down in the dumps and kind of helped cheer each other up (it was discussed prior to the actual conversation...I sent her a message, and, as it turned out, she was invisible or something). Unfortunately, it just doesn't seem like she wants to talk to me that much unless she's depressed- and she doesn't even always want to talk to me then. It really hurts my feelings and I'm starting to feel used. Maybe I'd understand why she doesn't seem to want to talk to me if I didn't make an effort to contact her (for clarity, I do try to keep that effort quite controlled to avoid getting on peoples' nerves; please don't think I'm constantly sending her messages all the time, because I don't do that at all), but I do make that effort and it seems like- if she really liked talking to me that much or thought I was really that awesome- she might...gee, I don't know, respond? :/ I did go ahead and send her a message tonight (I'm not sure if I mentioned that, already), but- like I said- I feel bad doing that, because we have had other issues (which I know she has been trying to fix at least somewhat), and I honestly don't want to be up her @SS all the time with some kind of problem. If anyone thinks they might like to see the message I sent her, feel free to ask for it and I'll put it up- I have nothing to hide, I just don't really think it's relevant. *

*Coincidentally, I have experienced similar behavior from others, whom I also suspect are INFPs, which is why I do go ahead and direct some questions to the Personality Cafe's INFP population who are here and want to help.*

*My general questions are;*
*Is this a normal INFJ/INFP complaint?*
*...or maybe just a normal INFJ complaint?* 
*Should I be taking the hint? *
*Is there a possibility that I'm being used?*
*Am I worrying too much/ trying to connect things that actually aren't or shouldn't be connected?*

*Specifically to the INFPs;*
*Is this normal behavior, for you? If so, why? (I ask so that I can understand and at least try to accept the fact that it is, if it is). Can I do anything about it, except confront her?*
*Might she be sending some kind of hint?*

*And, obviously, I'm asking everyone who's willing to answer what advice they can give me. Please be kind, and thank you for your time.*


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## EvilByte (Aug 5, 2009)

Okie dokie, I'll see if I can be of any help. I've had many INFP friendships and relationships, and I've experienced what you're going through every now and again. It could be many different things, so don't get discouraged if any one things sounds bad. In the end, you'll have to talk to her to be sure about anything.

Friendships go through different stages, lulls and periods of excitement. In the beginning of a friendship, when you meet someone you really connect with and get a long you can spend a whole lot of time talking together and exploring all sorts of topics. And depending on the level of interaction between two people in the beginning, it can naturally cool off over time. Another thing is that sometimes people need breaks from another person or from people in general for a while, especially INFPs. It's pretty common for an INFP to kind of zone out of their social circles for periods of time. 

And it seems like she may be associating you with emotional support, and a comrade in depressing times. If that's the case, she may be in a different emotional state due to circumstances in her life that make her not feel as strong of a connection with you. If you have a friend you always talk with when you're sad, and something changes in your life to make you happy, it can be naturally to not talk to the person you always talk to when you're sad. But this isn't something bad or unchangeable. You may naturally drift apart, or you may find new common ground to connect over. If she's used to you being her emotional support, if you try bringing up different kinds of conversations that might reestablish the kind of relationship you two have.

However, there's nothing quite as good as gently asking directly if there's a problem. If you ask in a manner like "hey, I don't know what's going on but we seem to be talking less. Is everything alright? I've just been a little worried, is all..." then you'll be able to show her you're thinking about her while bringing up the subject. If she kind of brushes that off, then she might just need some space right now and doesn't know how to say it.

One thing that *is* important to do is calm down some and take a deep breath. It's natural for INFJs to jump to conclusions, especially when they get too focused on something. We tend to get paranoid about possible bad conclusions and use all the "evidence" we can think of to support negative outcomes. So it would be good to try and step back a minute and calm down. She's still your friend and she still cares about you. 

One thing that does differ for INFJs and INFPs is the Fe vs. Fi difference. I don't know if you know about functions, but basically it comes down to the idea that INFJs really desire and need to share their feelings and emotions, and INFPs are much more introspective and deal with their emotions on their own. So INFPs can go into introverted periods for a while to deal with things where INFJs would naturally seek emotional support from outside. 

The best idea would be just to try and talk to her about it gently, and see what happens. If you can't get anywhere, just try focusing on other things and see if she comes around in time. It might be a good time to work on other friendships, finding new ones, or working on something else in your life. But don't lose hope.


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## ToiletWater13 (Jun 7, 2011)

*@EvilByte : I am knowledgeable of the ups and downs in communication during friendship, and I'd like to say I understand it, but maybe I don't- because I can be really sensitive to it (like now). I'd prefer to think, however, that my issue is more related to feeling that my attempts to strike up other conversation or find other common ground are being ignored or, worse, are becoming annoying. Thank you for your comments on the context of our friendship; I definitely thought that we bonded over much more than her sad times, but maybe that was just a perception of the relationship or something and I see how it could've gotten there. *

*You... pretty much hit the nail on the head about" jumping to conclusions" and "paranoia." XD I knew those were INFJ points, and I also know we tend to "look for the connections," which can be a really, really good thing- but also a really, really bad thing- and thus, why I did try (whether I succeeded or not, who knows?) to take a step back and ask for advice. *

*I know about the functions, but not much. I know what mine are, but I can't tell you to who's personality type they all go or anything like that. Unfortunately, to add to my confusion, she told me that her "I" can sometimes double as an "E." I'm not even sure how much that would be the issue, though, since I'm sure that even the most Extraverted person sometimes may feel the need to become introspective and closed off with certain problems- but it's definitely a point to consider as being causative for the confusion, so, once again, thank you *

*When I sent her the email, I did try to go ahead and give her the "gentle nudge" of information. I just don't want to come off as a problematic or fault-finding person, and really make her not want to talk to me. Is that just more INFJ paranoia? XD*


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## EvilByte (Aug 5, 2009)

@ToiletWater13 : As far as functions go, the I/E difference is the least significant. It simply changes the order a little bit. An ENFP uses Fi just like an INFP, so the problems between Fe and Fi could still occur as I mentioned before. 

Yes, that's classic INFJ paranoia. You get so worried about every little thing that you're doing, and then you start constantly making concessions while you're talking to someone else. "I think this, but oh no don't take it this way. I mean that, but oh no I don't want to come across as this," etc. People can usually easily tell something is wrong because it often comes across as the INFJ being desperate - they're trying way too hard to not mess up that they seem totally scattered and worried. Many people see this reaction and go "whoa, what is going on here? This person is pretty weird..." and are often scared away or put off by it. 

Generally, though, it won't happen between friends - there's usually nothing so significant to worry about because many friends don't fight over things or have disputes. So there's no place for the INFJ to "mess up" and give off the wrong impression. In your first post you said that romantic feelings probably aren't involved, but I think it would be a good idea to think about that a little more. Is she straight? I often fall for someone I have a deep emotional connection with, someone who understands me well - most of my relationships have been with INFPs too. I'm naturally drawn to them. But if at one point in the past you decided "okay we're just friends" for whatever reasons, you might have tried your best to ignore any romantic feelings for the sake of the friendship. But it's good to admit these kinds of feelings, at least to yourself.

That's just a possibility, though. I can understand your paranoia coming just from a very strong emotional bond suddenly not being there. If I were really close to a friend and was used to their support and talking to them, if they suddenly started ignoring me (for whatever reasons), I'd probably get hurt and be confused, and start over-analyzing every possible reason or cause. That's why it's good practice for an INFJ to be direct about things like this - it will save you from your paranoia and make sure you don't look desperate. Of course if you get a cryptic answer it might be best to try and distance yourself a little bit.

When my INFP girlfriend read this thread, she had a more negative opinion of your friend. She thought "wow, she even says she's online alone all day on FB while you're there online all day to talk to." She thought that was very rude. But I'm not sure why she's acting that way - she could be totally oblivious to what she's doing to you (very probable, especially considering she couldn't know the depths of your worries), or she's trying to subtly tell you something or get you to react a certain way. She may also just feel different from you right now because as you said might be the case, she might have a different perception of the relationship between you two. 

Relationships between people should happen naturally. If one gets too focused on acting perfectly or finding perfect solutions then things are liable to end up poorly. That's why it's important for INFJs to find a way to calm their paranoia so it doesn't affect their relationships with other. One of the things I've found helps is to be around friends whom you aren't having any problems with. Opening up to a close friend can be really helpful and they will often try to help ease your worries. But even just being around your friends will calm you down and make you happy because you can relax more and have a little fun - human contact is a very important things. 

So just try not to worry about it for a while. If your gentle nudge didn't work, you could try being even more direct and say that you're bothered by what's currently happening and want to talk about it with her. Or you could try backing off for a while and see what happens naturally. That's usually one of the best things to do - you won't come off as paranoid and it'll give you some space to breathe and refocus your energy. Then you can see if she comes to you only when she's sad or has problems. If that's the case, you may be seen by her as the stereotypical INFJ counselor/support friend. But if she comes back to you, it means she cares about your friendship to some degree. 

Unfortunately you can't solve this issue just by yourself. Your friend is a key player and how she feels and acts will affect the situation. You just have to try and be calm enough to act in the manner you think is best.


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## ToiletWater13 (Jun 7, 2011)

*@EvilByte: Well, at least it's normal. I've been told by more direct people that I can sound kind of awkward, and I even notice that I start to talk a certain way. I know I can come off that way- normally, I do it as compensation because I don't want to come off as hurtful when I say something blunt.  *

*Actually, I have considered the possibility that I have feelings for her- and we are both homosexual females. From the outside looking in, it definitely can look that way; however, I think it's more likely that I'm a worry-wort (wart?). I worry over everything- especially my friendships- and I actually consider her a friend (c'mon. You know what that's like, for the INFJ D: ). I will...try to keep the idea more in mind..? But, I don't think it's a strong factor, here (not always a good reason for me to quit thinking).*

*She did get back to me on the website we talk on, and it looks like part of it was a misunderstanding (as I suspected) and part of it might be a computer/website glitch. The other part might be easily fixable (I'm still waiting for her to respond to my last letter, so I have no 100% as of yet). I think she basically said "Oh, sorry, I got hung up on things and I hate the disorganized communication methods on here. We can talk on the forum thing again, if you want." *

*In addition to my paranoia, though, I have some trouble deciphering when something is a miscommunication and when something is a hint. I don't know that many people who will tell you outright "Oh, hey, I'm sick and tired of you. Stop trying to talk to me." In my experience, I will finally break down and confront someone about whatever might be getting to me, they apologize and say they want to fix it, but never do- despite the fact that I do try to give people gentle reminders and may even try to explain it to them repeatedly- just to be fair to them, even though it's really hard for me. Usually, the problem will go on until I completely lose interest (can take a very long time) or just completely give up. I think, at some point, a person has to take a hint and realize that "Sure, you're a good friend" might actually mean "You are a freaking pest. Go. away." Any thoughtful comments from you or your girlfriend on when or how to take a hint?*


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## EvilByte (Aug 5, 2009)

@ToiletWater13 : I think it's certainly plausible that romantic feelings aren't playing much of a picture. I just thought it might be something to consider again in case you overlooked something. And this possibly doesn't just relate to your side as well. Although you seemed pretty confident she didn't have feelings for you, and I'm not sure how I would evaluate her behavior in light of her liking you anyways. 

I'm glad she got back to you. This problem might just sort itself out, and all the worrying may have been just a workout through stress. I was talking to my INFP friend @andywg and he mentioned that the part where she told you how she was waiting all day for her friends to go on FB might have something to do with the difference in communication styles between you. I think he used the terms directing and informing, which I understood best as direct and indirect communication. INFJs tend to be more direct about things, where as INFPs like to point things out indirectly through hinting. So saying "I'm waiting all day with no one to talk to" could have been a hint for you to strike up a conversation with her. But that might not be the case if you were trying to talk to her and not getting through.

And I know what you mean by not knowing how to take a hint. I would generally say bringing up an issue once, then if it doesn't improve, bring it up a second time, and then back off and see what happens. I can't imagine it working out if you clearly spell it out twice and nothing changes. And you don't want a relationship where you're constantly trying to get the person to talk to you. So I would say the "less is more" approach would be best - sitting back and letting them come to you if they want. 

I was going to say something else, but I completely forget.. Uhh... Good luck!


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## Skum (Jun 27, 2010)

I hate to say it, but that is pretty normal behavior for me. And it really sucks that the people I'm friends with could start to get paranoid and think I'm avoiding them or don't like them anymore. That's not it at all. For me, I may delay responding to something for a couple days, and then feel the guilt mount as I don't respond. Eventually I start to avoid them. It's absolutely silly and makes no sense, since it is easier to simply strike up a conversation and make both parties more at ease. I think INFPs just do this for some reason. 
Bring it up to her and remind her that her behavior is having an impact on you. Tell her you feel like she's been avoiding you but focus on how it makes you feel. INFPs do care a lot about other's feelings, but they can also get a tad self-absorbed and forget that they might be hurting others. 

I don't think an INFP would continue to say you are awesome or a good friend if they didn't actually feel that way. Take her word for it- she really does care. But bring up this issue and see what's up. I had a very similar thing happen with my ENFP friend where I felt like she was avoiding me and didn't care anymore. We had a long talk and sorted a lot of things out and it really helped our relationship. Give it a chance.


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## ToiletWater13 (Jun 7, 2011)

*@EvilByte: Well, thank you kindly for your comments XD I'm sorry you forgot what you were going to say, but you seem to be absolutely right- it looks like a problem that may just sort itself out. I actually don't normally ask for advice just out of stress, and I was pretty sure it was "just me spazzing out over nothing," but I thought it would be good to get others' input since it is such a common problem for me. At least now I know I'm not the only person who fretts so much over such ridiculous things. Thanks also @andywg for his/her suggestion, as well. I am open to the idea that it's a hint, only due to the fact that it still may be a technical difficulty. Oddly, though, she still hasn't gotten back to me...I am going to try saying something on the preferred method of communication, since that may still be the problem. 

I also mention this in the paragraph below, but you may/probably won't read it since it's directed elsewhere, so I'll mention it here: how easy do you and/or any of your INFJ/INFP friends (or anyone who knows a lot about the types by experience) think it would be to hurt or anger an INFP by opening up issues? From my understanding, they seem like they'd be very much more to the open/patient/willing-to-work-it-out side, but I could be wrong and I don't want her to- secretly or not- start feeling like I'm really judging her. It's really only been this and one other issue that I think was really superficial (I think I spelled that wrong...) and related more to a time issue than anything (a typical J/P complaint, I believe), but I'm known to worry about things like that.

-------------------

@Skum: If it helps any, I'm probably crazy- but, yeah, I hope your friends are a bit more direct with you than I am with my friends ^^' The receiving end of it is not very much fun. I have a tendency to do that with some people I talk to, but possibly the reason I get so paranoid is because I don't do it that often with people I enjoy talking to unless I'm stressed or depressed about something. I decided to say all that just to explain my thought-processes and, I don't may, maybe you could see if it applies to any of your friends? 

Also, though, thank you for the advice. I did go ahead and message her and we have had some conversation since, so I think it really may have just been a matter of addressing and resolving the issue. My issue with doing that, though, is that I really don't want to annoy her, hurt her feelings, or make her mad at me (and this goes for any of my friends). Since you're also an INFP and you've been kind enough to give me such information so far, would you mind telling me how easy you think it might be to hurt or anger an INFP by bringing up even fairly superficial issues? This has been pretty much my only problem with her, except a more time-related issue (a fairly typical J/P complaint, as far as I can understand), but I'm concerned about coming across as really disliking her. That would be self-defeating, now, wouldn't it? XD 
*


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## Skum (Jun 27, 2010)

Don't be so hard on yourself, seriously. It's completely understandable that you feel worried and I think the longer this sort of thing goes on, the longer people are prone to worry and overanalyze. 

The thing is, _do not blame her._ Do not corner her, do not make her feel like she must defend herself. In that case, an INFP may feel hurt or angry. I think this goes for everyone and not just INFPs. They may have a behavior that others find mystifying or hurtful but they may not do it intentionally. The only way to get better is to have it brought to their attention so they can be aware of it. In her case, I'd suggest being direct but again, focus on the relationship and not her actions themselves. "Hey _______, I feel like we don't really talk as much as we used to. I know this may seem silly, but I feel like we're losing touch. It sucks when I feel so close to you and yet I don't hear from you for long periods of time. It just makes me worry about how things are going for you or if I've done something to upset you. You matter to me so I just want to talk this through."
Something along those lines. Don't be surprised if she's confused or doesn't know what you're talking about. Again, she may not even realize she's doing this. But it's a good way to open a dialogue.

Most INFPs I've encountered on this site are very calm people who definitely lean more towards the "let's work this out" side. I've noticed a minority get quite uppity, but those have been instances of the famous INFP values being treaded. Unless her main value is not being criticized, I don't think you have anything to worry about :tongue:
You're not annoying and you're not crazy. You are a good friend who has some questions and they can and will be resolved. Tread on


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## Moss Icon (Mar 29, 2011)

Interesting. Very interesting. I clicked this thread because I have a close friend with whom I have a complex relationship. We're INFP and INFJ respectively too. The difference is I feel treated by him much as you feel treated by your friend but _I'm_ the INFP; he's the INFJ. 

*



She keeps telling me I'm "awesome," and she says a lot about how much she appreciates me- and I'm pretty sure she means it.

Click to expand...

*


> *
> The thing that bothers me is that, for the last two and a half months, she doesn't really seem to want to talk to me- even though, when on a rare occasion, we do, she says she loves it and she really cares about me and that she "really does want to talk to me." She could've fooled me-*
> 
> *But, to be candid, the fact that she's damn near told me I'm her best friend ("I can't trust anyone else with this information but you," "You're the only person who cares to listen to me talk about my personal stuff,"), keeps telling me how much she loves talking to me and saying how "awesome" I am...
> ...


These parts specifically relate to my friend and I only, as I have said, in our case he's the INFJ and I'm the INFP. To give you a bit of background we met as exchange students during both of our first times living in Japan (where we both live now too.) We lived in a huge (and awesome) dorm on campus with 60-odd other exchange students from all over the world. When we first arrived he was kinda awkward and some people didn't know quite how to take him. He was the only, and first, student from his university in Kentucky to come to our university in Japan. He also came from a Christian background, something not shared by the vast majority there. I came with 6 classmates from my uni in the north of England and, despite my natural proclivity to be solitary and unsocial, hit the right note early on and became pretty well-liked. Matt (the INFJ in question) struck me as a 'kindred spirit' though and eventually we started to connect. Sure enough we bonded extremely fast and, though he was slowly getting settled at this point, he really started to feel he belonged after meeting me and being embraced by the wider circle of friends I had. 

Matt and I were inseparable for much of that year. But after that year was up he went home, married his high school sweetheart (I even flew over to KY for a few days to attend the wedding,) and they both moved back to Japan to start life anew. I still had a year to graduate so went back home, did so, and moved back out here a year later. The thing is from the moment he returned to his "comfort zone," shall we say, his desire to spend time with me and his behaviour towards me changed sharply. Suddenly he didn't need me like he did before, back when he was out of his comfort zone and was almost always at my side. Sure, whilst we were apart, in the UK and Japan respectively, we couldn't hang like we did. But his attitude clearly changed. I thought, as soppy as it sounds, we'd really "connected," forged some special kinda 'bromance' that both of us desired and valued equally. He told me over and over (much like your friends does you) how 'awesome' I am and how "I'm the only one he can have deep talks with/am closer to him than anyone, bar his wife ," etc, etc. But he didn't seem particularly bothered by our parting ways nor the distance between us. I had to bug him to take time to talk to me online and he'd always seem like he'd rather be doing other things. Suddenly I'd gone from being central to his life to "out of sight, out of mind." I was no longer required like I was when he was alone, away from his fiancee/wife, friends and family, and that came through loud and clear. I felt, and to this day (it's been 6 years) feel used. 

Much like your friend his words are there. He *says *how much I mean to him and talks up our relationship but last night I saw him for the first time in the past 3 months and the time prior to that I saw him was only cos we were both attending a friend's wedding and he asked if I'd be willing to drive rather than take the (rather costly) _Shinkansen _(bullet train) to Tokyo. Since they moved into their new apartment last December I've been invited over twice: December 26th and last night (July 16th.) His wife is pregnant and they have a lot to deal with. I understand that and take all that into account. But by and large my being invited over doesn't affect that stuff and I know they socialise regularly with people in their more immediate area. Again, I repeat; 'used.' I feel like a friend of convenience; someone who was there for him when he was outside his comfort zone. I also feel like he's an "out of sight, out of mind" type; focusing largely on his immediate life and easily forgetting and neglecting those not on his direct radar.

Anyway, onto your questions:

*My general questions are;*
*Is this a normal INFJ/INFP complaint?* For me it is, though the roles are reversed! 
*...or maybe just a normal INFJ complaint?* I wish "my" INFJ would show as much concern for our relationship....
*Should I be taking the hint? *I'm not sure there's a hint to be taken. Perhaps idealists in general are inclined to try and talk everything up: we *want *to tell people "yes, you're awesome and special" but lack the genuine feelings to truly actualise that. People-pleasing, perhaps? 
*Is there a possibility that I'm being used?* Sad to say but I think that possibility exists, yes. Much like my friend I seriously doubt your friend is aware they are using you, if they are, and certainly is not doing it maliciously or intentionally. But sometimes people fall into the "fair-weather" (or even "foul-weather") friend category and can be neglected the instant that person is back to whatever is 'normal' for them.
*Am I worrying too much/ trying to connect things that actually aren't or shouldn't be connected?* If you care (which you clearly do) worrying is not something you can help. Maybe this person is just skittish and absent-minded? But maybe she doesn't value you like you do her and her words are just the optimistic people-pleasing of an idealist? 

*Specifically to the INFPs;*
*Is this normal behavior, for you? If so, why? (I ask so that I can understand and at least try to accept the fact that it is, if it is). Can I do anything about it, except confront her?* INFPs can be aloof. Honestly if I were acting how she is acting it would imply I didn't feel as close to you as you to me and was trying to maintain a degree of distance. But I would be more honest about it and not lead you on with pretty words! 
*Might she be sending some kind of hint?* Like I say maybe the forced distance is an attempt to set the boundaries of your relationship, essentially that she doesn't feel that close to you. But there is a connection and she occasionally likes to indulge that at times (which is grossly unfair to you.) I don't know. I'm only going off of what you've said here.... plus a possibly unhealthy degree of transferring!


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## ToiletWater13 (Jun 7, 2011)

*@Skum : I think I do my best to make sure people aren't feeling cornered, anyways. From what I can tell, she really does care about me- I think she was just getting absent-minded. She seems like the type to be totally unaware of the effect that things like that have on people, and I think she forgets that I'm worrying about her well-being, too. I think I tend to do that when someone just starts gushing their deepest problems to me, then they disappear XD But, things are going okay, so far. She didn't seem confused, but that might have been because I explained a lot and she also may have been at first. Hopefully, though, we patched up the communication issue and I'll watch and see how things go.*




> You're not annoying and you're not crazy. You are a good friend who has some questions and they can and will be resolved. Tread on


*Thanks XD I needed that. LOL I think she feels the same way. Actually, she pretty much came right out and said it, I just hope she means it~*

*------------------*

*@Moss Icon : Thank you for your advice, but I'm sorry to hear about your friend  I get that problem a lot, too, which might be why I get frustrated so easily. I am perfectly willing to help you out with that situation, even by just providing a listening ear- so to speak- for you to rant to, perhaps more privately than in an open advice thread (unless you were going to also seek a question, which is fine with me). *

*I think part of it- however small- may actually be just "people-pleasing" behavior, on my personal issue. Part of my problem may be that I take comments and gestures like that very seriously, and it may not always be meant that seriously. "You're awesome" may actually mean "I appreciate our friendship very much and I'm very grateful for you," or- more commonly- it may mean "I feel better, now- thanks for being so cool." Usually, I try to keep a filter on it, but it doesn't always work to decipher when someone means it the way you want them to. From the way things look now, it is a definite possibility that she just doesn't feel that close to me- at least, she doesn't when there isn't something she feels like she needs to divulge to me- but, I think it may be better attributed to her obliviousness and the fact that she was, in fact, busy for a while without me realizing it. It's probably my fault, because I think she might have mentioned it, and I misunderstood something she said. However, I am trying to be sensitive to the idea that she's feeling less attached than before and there actually might not be the closeness I thought there was; there's not much more to do than see what happens. *

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*@All: Sorry it took so long for me to get back to you- I just recently had surgery and I'm still in a daze between sleeping and medication. *


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## Moss Icon (Mar 29, 2011)

ToiletWater13 said:


> Sorry it took so long for me to get back to you- I just recently had surgery and I'm still in a daze between sleeping and medication.


Hey, no worries. We all have lives to lead, after all. I trust your surgery went well?

"People-pleasing" is the crux of the issue, certainly. What seems to happen sometimes is one person gets more invested in the relationship than the other. The other, as a "people-pleaser," tells them what they want to hear rather than what they really feel. Honstly I think there's a selfish element to this "people-pleasing" too. They don't want to be seen as 'the bad guy' which is a risk they run in being a little harsh and cold with the more invested party. It forces them to do/be something they don't want to so they take the easy option; giving people sweet-sounding words so as to avoid the responsibility of the truth whilst failing to follow those words up with actions. In a nut-shell: "telling this person I just don't care as much for them might make me sound kinda cold and a jerk. I don't wanna sound like a jerk so I'll tell them what they want to hear even if I don't really feel it." 

Yeah, I'm the same. I take people's declarations of love and friendship very seriously, especially when they make a habit of insisting upon me they are real and true and everything I would believe they are. But then when it's time for action...... Different story. The sad fact is if you're feeling neglected, on more than just the odd occasion, that person doesn't share your commitment to the relationship. Where there's a will there's a way and if they're not finding that way then they've not got that will!


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## Dental Floss Tycoon (Apr 4, 2011)

I'm not sure whether I'm INFJ or INTJ, but I'm in a relationship with an INFP girl and... I don't get this kind of behavior from her. But we're in love, we're in a relationship, so I guess it's pretty much different. My girl is always trying to please me and it's reciprocal.

However, I used to have this kind of friendship with some INFPs. And they behave just like this (calling me just when they feel depressed), which is because I'm generally a good listener (a quality which people abuse of, I must say) and understand such feelings. But with time I just got sick of acting like this (always being there for someone who needs me), because I feel deeply disrespected when someone keeps talking about him or herself and don't "see" me there. It's like it only and always rains on them. I feel like I'm being used.

So, I never did it again. You wanna talk with me, talk WITH me, not with yourself and then make me listen. It is pretty normal to pass through hard times and this I understand, I respect and I listen. But to take someone as his or her personal therapist... nah, thanks, take someone else. That's my hint to you.

But as for not responding messages... this is, in fact, pretty common for INFPs. We, IN_Js, even though introverted people, value respecting the "steps" of a conversation (hello, how you doing, what did you do today, goodbye, take care) and INFPs are a bit "random" in conversations in general. This can be awful when you're someone who decides to take a time to have a deep, understanding talking with someone special, but it's also nice because of the spontaneity that we, theoretically, lack.

Have you tried to back off? Maybe she'll miss you. It could be a way to test if she thinks you're so awesome as she says. Or maybe you could just let go... if there's a real connection, she'll come for you and respect you. Don't force yourself. Friendship is all about being yourself and at ease with it.


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## Repol (Sep 7, 2013)

Hi, I know this is an old conversation but I just found it and it is absolutely relevant to me.
I am either an ENFJ or an INFJ. My E and I are pretty much even. I don't understand all the secondary and tertiary elements of the personalities, so maybe eventually I will come to understand better.
Anyway, I am kind of in a state of grieving a lost friendship of several years, which just ended a few weeks ago, based on irreconcilable differences between myself and my beloved INFP friend. He did to me exactly what you describe in your initial post--the dismissing me, contacting only when depressed, seeming to avoid. And attempts to talk it out just wouldn't work, after a certain amount of time. Yes, I do the worry thing, the paranoia thing. I need reassurance, but he felt solidly that needing reassurance was a deep flaw in me, and one he was not responsible to help to address.

So our friendship ended, and it still baffles me. We had so much of what seemed to be genuine overlap. He even called us kindred spirits. So why was it worth so little, when all I needed was an occasional notice, an occasional hello, a visit from time to time, a kind word? I don't understand how close connections can be so easy to throw away for an INFP. When I make a close friendship, I consider it to be a forever friendship, unless that person insists on hurting me beyond what I can bear. And then, only out of a need for survival, will I let it go, and never without great pain and sense of loss.


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## Moss Icon (Mar 29, 2011)

Repol said:


> Hi, I know this is an old conversation but I just found it and it is absolutely relevant to me.
> I am either an ENFJ or an INFJ. My E and I are pretty much even. I don't understand all the secondary and tertiary elements of the personalities, so maybe eventually I will come to understand better.
> Anyway, I am kind of in a state of grieving a lost friendship of several years, which just ended a few weeks ago, based on irreconcilable differences between myself and my beloved INFP friend. He did to me exactly what you describe in your initial post--the dismissing me, contacting only when depressed, seeming to avoid. And attempts to talk it out just wouldn't work, after a certain amount of time. Yes, I do the worry thing, the paranoia thing. I need reassurance, but he felt solidly that needing reassurance was a deep flaw in me, and one he was not responsible to help to address.
> 
> So our friendship ended, and it still baffles me. We had so much of what seemed to be genuine overlap. He even called us kindred spirits. So why was it worth so little, when all I needed was an occasional notice, an occasional hello, a visit from time to time, a kind word? *I don't understand how close connections can be so easy to throw away for an INFP.* When I make a close friendship, I consider it to be a forever friendship, unless that person insists on hurting me beyond what I can bear. And then, only out of a need for survival, will I let it go, and never without great pain and sense of loss.


Sounds very, very much like my own story, except I'm the INFP and he's the INFJ/ENFJ. 

The bolded part, it certainly doesn't sound very "INFPish" of him. Fi should not so easily allow him to discard friendships, unless something really traumatic happened for him between you. Christ, I _wish_ I could be so cold as to do this to my friend sometimes...


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## Repol (Sep 7, 2013)

Something traumatic? I can't imagine what that would be, except that he's a guy and I'm a girl and his family objected to male/female friendships. He's an adult, but just barely. Still, he wants to please his parents, because they've never been pleased with him. He's too creative and feely, and they are rigid and stoic. They gave him a very hard time about us being friends. (Actually, they had pushed him toward male-only friendships all his life, and when he was a little child, that resulted in his being victimized by another male, for years. He does carry trauma from that, and I wonder if it just keeps him from making and keeping any long-term, deeply meaningful friendships. I don't know if that's connected or not. Everything's probably connected somehow.) I just can't believe, after everything that there was, at one time between us--both the fun, crazy, similar interests, and the sharing of the horrible stuff like that, that he can just decide it's no big deal to just ignore, overlook, refuse to communicate, and even let go completely. It hurts.


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## Moss Icon (Mar 29, 2011)

Repol said:


> Something traumatic? I can't imagine what that would be, except that he's a guy and I'm a girl and his family objected to male/female friendships.


Wow. Are they uber-religious or something. That may be trauma enough...



> He's an adult, but just barely. Still, he wants to please his parents, because they've never been pleased with him. He's too creative and feely, and they are rigid and stoic. They gave him a very hard time about us being friends. (Actually, they had pushed him toward male-only friendships all his life, and when he was a little child, that resulted in his being victimized by another male, for years. *He does carry trauma from that, and I wonder if it just keeps him from making and keeping any long-term, deeply meaningful friendships.*


That might be it, right there. If a person suffers as a result of a trusted friendship, they're likely to retreat into some form of defence-mechanism in the future. Minimising the risk of vulnerability by being more mechanical and pragmatic about relationships. What's more, if this is how his family have always taught him is "good", he'd internalise that in some way as "good" himself, even if it's not in line with his own values. 

The Fi-Si loop of the INFP does make past experiences and pain a very major issue! 



> I don't know if that's connected or not. Everything's probably connected somehow.) I just can't believe, after everything that there was, at one time between us--both the fun, crazy, similar interests, and the sharing of the horrible stuff like that, that he can just decide it's no big deal to just ignore, overlook, refuse to communicate, and even let go completely. It hurts.


When did it all start? Was it just out of the blue, or did something happen between you two?


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## Repol (Sep 7, 2013)

Yes, his parents are very religious. Rigid and controlling. I'm "religious" too, and that's part of what first got us started being friends. But I see my faith as freeing me not as restricting me with a lot of rules and divisions.

When did it start? Well, he's always been a little in and out but for the first couple of years, he'd come back. You know, he'd go have some introvert time, not want to talk, but he'd say, "I want to get together, that sounds fun, thanks for thinking of me, I want to do that/go to that with you" even if he said no because he needed some time alone, or because his parents didn't want him to. (He was like 18-19 then). He was kind about it and he always came back. But about 15 months ago it just started changing. It was right before his 21st birthday, and he was home from college and we hadn't seen each other much yet. His parents and sisters were away on a trip and he was home. I was out driving around, and really grieving because it was close to the one-year anniversary of losing two very close family members (my mom & grandma both died in 2 days' time) and he called me. I told him I was just out driving around and thinking, and he asked if I wanted to come over, so I did. It was the first time I had ever been invited to his house. We just sat on the couch and talked for an hour, about how much stuff hurts in this world, and he shared with me some of the effects of his molestation, and it was really close and sweet and not at all romantic for either of us. Then he told me about a girl he liked, and how he was going to ask her to be his girlfriend and I listened, even though I told him I was a little uneasy because she was way younger than him--like not even 17 at that point, I think. Then we watched a Dr. Who episode (I'm older than him and I hadn't ever seen the current Dr. Who show, but I knew the old episodes, and it was cool that he wanted to share that to bring me up to date), and then I left.
Well, his parents texted their almost-21 year old son that day and asked what he'd done all day and he told them I was there earlier, and they went ballistic. When they got back from their trip they came to my house and told me I wasn't welcome in their home. And he was for a little while really confused, but talked to them and thought he had gotten them to calm down and chill out, but it was just never the same. I guess the pressure from them kind of killed his genuine affection for me. Since then, he got kind of mean, even. If I said I wanted to get together when he was in town, he would say he should initiate it and I shouldn't. And then he wouldn't. This summer, he was home 4 or 5 times, and only once asked to get together. I drove through near his town once this summer and asked if he wanted to meet me, and he agreed to. But then after that, he was just pretty much done. He came home again a few weeks later and never told me he was here until afterward. (He always tells me afterward, I guess to make sure I know that he cut me out.) 
I miss him, but I just don't think he feels any of the emotions of being drawn to me any more, like he did before, and what he doesn't feel, he won't act on.


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