# Blog Entry #2



## Selene (Aug 2, 2009)

1: I'm....frustrated.

2: What's wrong?

1: Just...I feel agitated. I feel like all of these objects around me are ghoulish, hideous things...like the space itself is cramped, contorted, and actively working to contaminate me.

2: [nods and continues to listen]

1: Just...it's so anxious. Everything stands out in its lurid detail. It's like everything was designed to leap out, poke, stab, and jolt.

2: [quietly] These are your things you're referring to...the things in your room.

1: Yes. Well, I guess it isn't really the things. Because, it's so weird...last night, I was having this thought that all of these things made my place feel more home-like. Like, there was a certain joy in being surrounded by all of this stuff, not feeling any need to organize/contain it, and just letting it be.

2: [lowers head a bit and smiles faintly] I remember you even pointed this out...that you were feeling relaxed and at home, but that you suspected that under different conditions, you could feel as though all of these ordinary things were leaping out at you and combining to create this garish, demonic scene...in the midst of the ordinary.

1: [pauses] This...writing. I...[scowls]

2: [waits patiently for the right words]

1: [furrowed brow] This subdivision between 1 and 2 is useless. When 1 is defined a certain way, and 2 is defined a different way, and the continuity/coherency of the writing depends on the two of them maintaining their current forms...1 being the neurotic speaker, and 2 being the sort of patient/caring listener/therapist-type figure...how can anything ever progress? And it's not a true division. You're not really switching back and forth between two distinct people. Or if you do, it's only because you've defined the discourse in that way...you structuring things like that prevents any progress from occurring. But now...just...why do you have to write everything down? When you were just thinking to yourself last night, you had so much more success. Just your internal speech, and this casual, gentle following of your thoughts...it had a much more positive impact.

2: [giving up pseudo-therapist role] And what of this shitty writing? All it is is you following your current frame of thought--

No, but don't you get it! To transition from neuroticism to stability and peace...there's this unseen shift which takes place. There's a whole shift in the way that the inner discourse proceeds. You stop thinking about things a certain way, and everything sort of blanks out...and it becomes incoherent to the outsider...but there is no need for it to be coherent, because you don't care if other people understand you or not. All that matters is that you understand you, that you're able to trace yourself, that you know what's happening, that you know you are fine, etc.

When you are writing like this, and trying to make everything explicit...trying to completely track the flow of your thoughts as they happen, you automatically CONSTRAIN them...because that is the only way to make them intelligible. The shift in thinking only happens in DARKNESS--without rational, willful, effortful exertion. You can't trace it. All that there is is before, and after. What happens is you let go of THIS--the need to compulsively track and know what you're thinking. So, shut the f*** up...

2: [tic--head twitch] But...are you just going to leave this dialogue unresolved like this? Aren't you going to show the final transition, and speak out of that?

1: [shakes head] Let people think what they want. I don't care, and I can't care.

[letting go]

I don't care.
I can't care.
Slipping, sinking
Unwatchful

Things come, but they don't stick. I see, but things don't leap out at me, they don't affix themselves. I don't look at the screen now, because I don't want to reflect on what I've written. I want to just keep moving, keep changing. Non-stuckness.

Stress/anger? Fixedness. Difficult. Every thought in that form, seems like...following it would be embarking down a treacherous road, which is a dead end, and descends into a pit.

[imagines the angel and releases so much tension--it speaks with a gentle smile, glowing and radiating its translucent, spacious immateriality] "You..."[disappears]

Ah, it seems that when I type/write, my voice changes. It quickens, it speeds up. I type way too fast. The way I talk in writing...I would never talk in person. My thoughts are too fast. I need them to slow down again.

[antsy/anxious] Why am I making a blog entry? Why am I putting this out for other people to see? Why should I care what they think? No matter what they say, aren't I going to want to...not be...affected?

[slower...begins letting go]

[snaps--quickens--anxiety] Ehh! Why are you still writing all of this? Don't you know that you cannot relax if you are trying to track everything? Didn't we go through this already?! [livid] You must STOP. You must NOT keep trying to express this to other people. You must simply BE whatever it is you are...and shut the fuck up about it. Now. [hot]

.... [minimizes PC window]

[maximizes it 15 seconds later] This is so annoying. I've written all of this, so of course I'm going to have to post it, or else...it's going to be like a waste of time. Or, like I'm being untrue to my past intentions. Or I'm letting something slip by which other people might appreciate.

2: You share...because you want other people to see what you are?

1: I don't feel lonely at all. Not at all right now. Not at all. But I feel agitated when I imagine all of this beautiful, fascinating stuff passing through my mind, and being...unavailable for other people, or for my future self.

2: Isn't it a bit presumptuous to assume that other people will be interested.

1: [chuckles] Well, see...how could they fail to be interested when it's so absurd, out-of-control, etc. It seems that the more confusing things are... [smile]

2: ..the more interesting. [does not smile or give any positive acknowledgement to 1...looks at 1 with disapproval]

1: [twitches] Ahhh...you're doing it again. You're still perpetuating the negativity, trying to make it apparent to others, trying to be interesting, and...

2: Shut up.

1: No, that won't work. You must stop typing. The more you type, the worse you feel, and the further you are from your goal.

2: [pauses for a minute] But if I do, then that's still continuing the dialogue. It's implicitly me saying you were right, because that is the final, ending note of everything. But I want to cut off this conversation completely and leave it hanging with no conclusion.

1: [squints]

Some changes cannot be watched. Some forms cannot be explained. Because their nature is to be...left alone. Analysis cannot succeed. You will fail, and you will try, and you will fail even worse. Because the nature of this is...to be un-analyzed, un-tampered-with, un-described. It's non-fixation.

[one of the past neurotic voices slips in unseen] I hate that your writing sounds exactly like all the religious crap you read. You're not on that level...why do you make it sound like you are?

--I was going to cut you off, to interrupt you, but go ahead...say what you want to. I don't really care. It doesn't have any effect. [smiles] You're just a worthless piece of shit. You think you're something, but you're really nothing. You're a little imp who thinks that he's Satan. But I can step on you. [grin] You aren't anything to worry about. Go ahead and speak. Say what you were going to say. [glowing and smiling]

[imp is tongue-tied]

You aren't me. [smile]

...

No need to think. No need to explain. No need to say anything. Just be whatever you are. It's okay to be mysterious, not understood. It's okay to say something and then take it back. It's okay to regret your past thoughts. It's okay to regret your regret. It's okay to be formless.

Meta-cognition is your enemy.

[crosses out last sentence]

Don't look here for the rest of today. Don't concern yourself with people's comments.

[TWITCH] Then...why post it at all? Are you putting this on display just out of arrogance?

Shut up. [anxiety]

...

You let go, and you let go of "letting go". You forget every instruction you've ever heard, every speech, psalm, treatise, or book you've ever read about how to be a good/perfect person. Because your reactions to those are always, "Why can't I be that person? When will I be that person? I hope I can be that person." And, it backfires. You're being that person, and suddenly...this compulsive self-seeking voice interrupts your being-you to say

"Aha! I'm being me---oh, oops."
"Shut up! Stop interrupting. We were doing just fine until you got caught up in how good you were doing. Just forget how good you're doing."
"Well, stop giving me instructions! You're just doing the same thing."
"Eh, why don't we stop talking and criticizing each other!"

 And...that is the pattern.


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## snail (Oct 13, 2008)

I enjoy watching your thought process. I should experiment with this style of writing. My INFJ friend from real life says dividing into "parts of self" helps him figure out what is going on in his head, and encouraged me to try it. I have found several, and named them. It makes me feel crazy to watch them converse, but I see how it could be useful if I developed the skill further. Thank you for posting such interesting blog entries.


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