# How do I know if I'm passionate?



## Drexir (Sep 29, 2012)

People often say they are passionate about something; or more specifically passionate about the work they do. Like someone is passionate about writing science fiction books. 

My "passion" since I was 9 years old was in computers. I was drawn to the very idea of it. This magical machine that would follow your every instruction precisely. Because it seemed like such a magical thing with what you could do and accomplish with it. You just needed to peel the layers off one by one and then systematically break it down and put it back together until you understood how it worked. That if you could learn that then any thing could be possible. 

At 14 years old I was teaching myself programming languages. I put more hours into it then a full time job. Trying to learn more and do more. At 19 I decided to go to a college that provided the curriculum for my interests. It was the worse decision of my life. It sucked all the "passion" I had away and I became depressed. It took me a couple years and a certain medication for me to feel that passion rush back. But something was wrong this time. I was barely putting in half the effort and half the time then before. 

However even when I had developed an affliction of the skin. Where I could barely think at times much less focus. I was still putting in a little bit of time and effort. Eventually I spent so much time trying to fix this affliction so I could get back to it. That never happened. I became so consumed with trying to fix this disease I had so I could get back to doing what I love. That I stopped doing it to focus entirely on the disease. The disease literally consumed my entire life it was worse than depression because I could defeat depression but this I couldn't. My overall health degraded. My primary doctor blamed the medication for the decline in my health and no matter how hard I tried to explain he didn't bother hearing my version. So I was no longer being prescribed this medication. And I said to my self I don't need the stupid medication. 

My quality of life went down further then it was already at. Yesterday I realized I still had a couple of those pills left over. I wanted to test it; to see if that medication really did help me that much. About an hour later it kicked in full force. It was a bit underwhelming. But looking back it was the little things that added up. Playing with my 5 month old niece. I didn't even know her name until then. Then I called my dad and for the first time in awhile; much less we actually spent some time together and had breakfast. As I was driving to him for breakfast I could feel the desire to better myself. I could feel the passion I once had coming back. Most of all I felt alive. My mind was clear, I could think clearly and calmly and a bit happy if that's possible. After I got back I had a real long conversation with my brother in law for the first time. 

Now I'm making this post. And it's not even 2PM yet. Craziest thing of all I don't feel lethargic or drained; by this time I would have already taken two naps. 

The difference is night and day. Am I just high off the medication? Or is this how I'm suppose to feel.

Sorry I made the post longer than I wanted too. The basic question I have is if you need a medication to feel passionate about something is it really passion then? To be honest I'm not really even sure what passion is. How do I know if I really enjoy what I'm doing?


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## Schizoid (Jan 31, 2015)

Drexir said:


> People often say they are passionate about something; or more specifically passionate about the work they do. Like someone is passionate about writing science fiction books.
> 
> My "passion" since I was 9 years old was in computers. I was drawn to the very idea of it. This magical machine that would follow your every instruction precisely. Because it seemed like such a magical thing with what you could do and accomplish with it. You just needed to peel the layers off one by one and then systematically break it down and put it back together until you understood how it worked. That if you could learn that then any thing could be possible.
> 
> ...



Instead of looking for that one thing that you feel passionate about, why not go explore all your hobbies? Only by exploring all your hobbies will you eventually find out what you are passionate about. 

If you have only explored one thing, how do you know that is the best choice for you? Metaphorically speaking, if you have only lived in one country your entire life and you haven't travelled around this entire world, how would you know how big this world actually is?


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## Drexir (Sep 29, 2012)

Schizoid said:


> Instead of looking for that one thing that you feel passionate about, why not go explore all your hobbies? Only by exploring all your hobbies will you eventually find out what you are passionate about.
> 
> If you have only explored one thing, how do you know that is the best choice for you? Metaphorically speaking, if you have only lived in your country your entire life and you haven't traveled around this entire world, how would you know how big this world actually is?


What happens if your ability to travel the world is inhibited. I have explored other things however though. Actually I've dabbled in quite a few things when I was on the medication. None of them struck me as much as computers though. Eventually I dabbled into so many things at once and wanted to dig deeper into all of them at once it became impossible. Like I wanted to absorb as much information as possible. When off the medication I don't feel any desire to do well really anything.


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## AriesLilith (Jan 6, 2013)

What made you felt that your passion was sucked out of you when you started college? What made your depression kick in?


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## Drexir (Sep 29, 2012)

Wasn't so much when I started college. Rather while attending. The staff, the teachers, the rush of the schedule, and so on. The inability to delve deeper into the subjects. I think the turning point was when the teacher said a loud that I was a cheater. I think that was the turning point when things started to go south. Then the fact that because of that school I was in over $100,000 debt. It was just because of that school that sucked my passion, desire, and will out of me to continue on. I never got it back until a couple years later with the help of medication and then the doctors took that away from me. 

A lot of the time I don't think I'm an INTP. Because I deal with a roller coaster of emotions. I don't think logically. I haven't been able to ever recover after leaving college. I'm not sure I will. Been trying to find a way for a long time now.


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## mhysa (Nov 27, 2014)

i would say your issue here relates more to general depression than simply losing passion for a specific thing - that loss of passion is a symptom of a larger problem. medication affects everyone differently and when treating depression, ideally, causes you to be more functional in general.

speaking strictly outside of situations where depression or other mental illnesses are involved - i'd say that if you have to ask, the answer is most likely "no."


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## AriesLilith (Jan 6, 2013)

Drexir said:


> Wasn't so much when I started college. Rather while attending. The staff, the teachers, the rush of the schedule, and so on. The inability to delve deeper into the subjects. I think the turning point was when the teacher said a loud that I was a cheater. I think that was the turning point when things started to go south. Then the fact that because of that school I was in over $100,000 debt. It was just because of that school that sucked my passion, desire, and will out of me to continue on. I never got it back until a couple years later with the help of medication and then the doctors took that away from me.
> 
> A lot of the time I don't think I'm an INTP. Because I deal with a roller coaster of emotions. I don't think logically. I haven't been able to ever recover after leaving college. I'm not sure I will. Been trying to find a way for a long time now.


It sounds like the stress and anxiety this college course gives you is the reason why your passion is gone. $100k debt is crazy. 

How far are you from graduating? Do you live in US?
Is medication all the doctors suggested?
How is your family perceiving this? Are they supportive and understanding?

Are there any way you can take the course in a slower pace? For example here in Portugal college students can apply for half of the subjects each year that they also pay half the fees each year. This policy helps students who works full-time but is not limited to them, so people can finish the course double the time but at least in a slower pace.

Do you feel depressed coz you feel hopeless? Lost? One thing that is important to realize that worst case scenario is dropping out but that doesn't mean you can't be in the IT field anymore. Sure, a course might help and in some countries it's a must for programming jobs. But there are many places where you don't need a course to be a programmer, and fortunately in the IT if you can become good in your own way then you can still get a nice job.

Thought you need to address the stress and anxiety. In the real world we might find situations in which we will have to deal with stress. Having a job can be stressful, and programming job can be fast paced with deadlines too. Learning how to cope is important. But on the other hand, there is no need to over worry and perceive it as a doom situation. Sometimes we perceive things worse than they are and we despair when we feel lost and hopeless but it might not be that bad.


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## Drexir (Sep 29, 2012)

AriesLilith said:


> It sounds like the stress and anxiety this college course gives you is the reason why your passion is gone. $100k debt is crazy.
> 
> How far are you from graduating? Do you live in US?
> Is medication all the doctors suggested?
> ...


Sounds like you're talking to me from four years ago. Considering that's the time I dropped out of college. So unfortunately all the doom and gloom you spoke of not happening. Happened.


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## Miss Prince (Mar 23, 2013)

I would personally say this is a question for you to answer, and that it is damn near impossible for anyone else to answer for you.


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## yet another intj (Feb 10, 2013)

Drexir said:


> How do I know if I really enjoy what I'm doing?


If you know everything about it but how much you enjoy it... Self-awareness is deceiving.


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## Arzazar Szubrasznikarazar (Apr 9, 2015)

Drexir said:


> Sorry I made the post longer than I wanted too. The basic question I have is if you need a medication to feel passionate about something is it really passion then? To be honest I'm not really even sure what passion is. How do I know if I really enjoy what I'm doing?


If you needed to be broken down to stop being passionate, did you really stop being passionate?


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## ParsonL (Oct 20, 2015)

Schizoid said:


> Instead of looking for that one thing that you feel passionate about, why not go explore all your hobbies? Only by exploring all your hobbies will you eventually find out what you are passionate about.
> 
> If you have only explored one thing, how do you know that is the best choice for you? Metaphorically speaking, if you have only lived in one country your entire life and you haven't travelled around this entire world, how would you know how big this world actually is?


Agree with it.


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## starscream430 (Jan 14, 2014)

As others have said, try and see if doing something will catch your interest. 

From reading your main post though, it does sound like you're very depressed...or it could just be the medication. To be honest, I hope you find your passion in life.


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