# I do not want to exist anymore.



## Emerald Legend (Jul 13, 2010)

To exist is to think, to think is to be unhappy. 
I really really hate myself as a person and not sure what I'm even doing on this earth. I do not derive any pleasures from anything, hate for wanting things I can't have, and not sure not sure not sure why and wtf I'm doing here on this earth. 

Can you please tell me why people like me get to exist? To entertain the gods?


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## BlackDog (Jan 6, 2012)

Why do you hate yourself?


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## SevSevens (Aug 5, 2015)

Emerald Legend said:


> To exist is to think, to think is to be unhappy.
> I really really hate myself as a person and not sure what I'm even doing on this earth. I do not derive any pleasures from anything, hate for wanting things I can't have, and not sure not sure not sure why and wtf I'm doing here on this earth.
> 
> Can you please tell me why people like me get to exist? To entertain the gods?


I came out of the closet and told someone I loved them. They rejected me. It hurt...but I handled it like an alpha...I just broke out into song and dance. I'm sharing it with you because maybe it will make you WANT TO EXIST AGAIN.

Enjoy...compliments...of a mysterious youth.
Play this...




And then watch this..


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## Razare (Apr 21, 2009)

28 “So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; 29 and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?


31 “Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. 33 *But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.*


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## Emerald Legend (Jul 13, 2010)

BlackDog said:


> Why do you hate yourself?


I'm not normal. I'm a limited person..and a horrible person, and don't know how to change that. What would hitler do if he realized he was such a monster? Could he go back to being normal again after having stooped too low? Can anyone come back/improve after being horrible for all these years? 
I would give anything to be a normal person with normal concerns and normal friends caring about normal things. I don't want to be an outlier..it's lonely it's cold I do not want to stay here by myself..there's no nobility in being special/different. I want to be one of the drones, and forget being..this.


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## BlackDog (Jan 6, 2012)

Emerald Legend said:


> I'm not normal. I'm a limited person..and a horrible person, and don't know how to change that. What would hitler do if he realized he's such a monster? Could he go back to being normal again after being stooped too low? Can anyone come back/improve after being horrible for all these years? I would give anything to be a normal person with normal concerns and normal friends caring about normal things. I don't want to be an outlier..it's lonely it's cold I do not want to stay here by myself..there's no nobility in being special. I want to be one of the drones, and forget being..this.


I'm not normal either. It's something you can work around. You are only alone if you choose to be. 

Anybody can be redeemed. I don't know what you've done in your life, but I can't imagine you're on par with Hitler. You could try to change your attitude, and try to see yourself as valuable and worth working on. You can always move forward. Have you ever been diagnosed with any kind of depression or anxiety?


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## Hollow Man (Aug 12, 2011)




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## sweetraglansweater (Jul 31, 2015)

are you a child molester? a rapist? a repeat kiddie porn viewer? an addict? user? abuser?

when you paint yourself all kind of horrible a compilation of ideas begin to crowd my imagination. 

regardless of what you are or aren't when you are ready to change whatever is making you unhappy you will. Until then, guilt and shame will continue to build in your belly until they have nowhere left to go but back up your spine to God.


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## Monteskiusz (Sep 16, 2015)

Pam Pam Pam
I know i have posted it before but read some books get interested in something. I recomend Philosophy, especially Zarathustra.


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## Monteskiusz (Sep 16, 2015)

sweetraglansweater said:


> are you a child molester? a rapist? a repeat kiddie porn viewer? an addict? user? abuser?
> 
> when you paint yourself all kind of horrible a compilation of ideas begin to crowd my imagination.
> 
> regardless of what you are or aren't when you are ready to change whatever is making you unhappy you will. Until then, guilt and shame will continue to build in your belly until they have nowhere left to go but back up your spine to God.


Ah God. Even if this dogma help people it get me sick.


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## sweetraglansweater (Jul 31, 2015)

Sad Wanderer said:


> Ah God. Even if this dogma help people it get me sick.


God, what is God? Do you know what it is God is? Do you now what I mean by God? I doubt it.


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## Monteskiusz (Sep 16, 2015)

sweetraglansweater said:


> God, what is God? Do you know what it is God is? Do you now what I mean by God? I doubt it.


I hope i don't know God. The only one that i have spotted bringed nothing but disgust and disappointment to me. An Ilusion.


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## He's a Superhero! (May 1, 2013)

Sorry you are going thru these negative thoughts and feelings @*Emerald Legend*, it's not easy to cope with this sort of thing at all, but it is certainly possible to find a way, as many people have survived similar situations in the past, and many others are successfully surviving similar now. It's great that you are reaching out for help, as this shows you really want things to get better and willing to try to improve things. The good news is you can get help!

May I suggest finding what you can do to benefit others? A lot of people find purpose in that, and it really can make a difference! You are existing, so you can find some way to contribute, which is much needed. You no longer existing won't make the world a better place, but if you use your existence in a good way you can make the world a better place. Why not try that? If at the end of the day you still feel the same, at least you have made a positive difference for others and you can feel proud about that. Make your existence count for something, maybe you can even be somebody's hero! How fantastic and worthwhile would that be!

Also, one thing is absolutely certain: Things always change. Your situation will not continue to stay the same, but sooner or later it will change. Don't give up because things are currently bad, as they won't always be.

Please check out the stickied threads in this sub-forum! You can get a lot of practical help that way.


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## He's a Superhero! (May 1, 2013)

Sad Wanderer said:


> Ah God. Even if this dogma help people it get me sick.


And yet science proves that people who pray regularly are significantly less stressed than those who don't. Less stress will help you not feel so sick. 

Besides this, belief in God gives people feelings of hope and purpose. It must also be quite reasonable on a logical level to have such a belief, as two thirds of scientists also share this belief.


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## Count Raven (Feb 18, 2015)

So what so horrible about you? I even doubt that there is such thing as "normality" since everything is subjective. 
Maybe you can express this negative experience through kind of art or something? Like Joy Division, Giger or Lovecraft. Go for it.


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

sweetraglansweater said:


> are you a child molester? a rapist? a repeat kiddie porn viewer? an addict? user? abuser?
> 
> when you paint yourself all kind of horrible a compilation of ideas begin to crowd my imagination.
> 
> regardless of what you are or aren't when you are ready to change whatever is making you unhappy you will. Until then, guilt and shame will continue to build in your belly until they have nowhere left to go but back up your spine to God.


Nonsense, rapists and child molestors should not hate themselves, everyone else is doing it for them, there are people who hate themselves because no one else hates them enough. This man is one of them.


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## sweetraglansweater (Jul 31, 2015)

Grandmaster Yoda said:


> Nonsense, rapists and child molestors should not hate themselves, everyone else is doing it for them, there are people who hate themselves because no one else hates them enough. This man is one of them.


Read what I wrote and not what you assume, yoda.


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

Emerald Legend said:


> To exist is to think, to think is to be unhappy.
> I really really hate myself as a person and not sure what I'm even doing on this earth. I do not derive any pleasures from anything, hate for wanting things I can't have, and not sure not sure not sure why and wtf I'm doing here on this earth.
> 
> Can you please tell me why people like me get to exist? To entertain the gods?


It's all about making it good for yourself. Most likely, if you are isolated all the time you will experience nothing good and hence you will be partially dead for a time. But it is only a temporary ailment if you recognize it as such. I felt this way numerous times, usually after thinking about what a horrible person I am. But when I don't think about that, it simply doesn't matter. The feeling comes after the thought, stop thinking one way and you will stop feeling one way. The answer to the actual question is irrelevant because no one can claim to know of such a purpose and to suggest there is one is just shaky.


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

sweetraglansweater said:


> Read what I wrote and not what you assume, yoda.


I would have chosen a different set of bad people


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## Sporadic Aura (Sep 13, 2009)

don't worry for 99.99999999999999% of the universes existence you didn't exist, and once you die for 99.99999999999999% of the rest of the universes existence you won't exist. non existence is the rule, this puny life we all share is the exception. embrace it, even if it sucks, its a very rare blip of existence against the all encompassing background of none existence. if just to live out this very improbable life you possess, don't end it prematurely, you'll die soon enough, but not now.


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## Fascist (Dec 22, 2014)

Emerald Legend said:


> What would hitler do if he realized he was such a monster?


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## jamaix (Sep 20, 2013)

Emerald Legend said:


> To exist is to think, to think is to be unhappy.
> I really really hate myself as a person and not sure what I'm even doing on this earth. I do not derive any pleasures from anything, hate for wanting things I can't have, and not sure not sure not sure why and wtf I'm doing here on this earth.
> 
> Can you please tell me why people like me get to exist? To entertain the gods?


I feel for you, I really do. I wish I knew how to tell you to make those type of feelings go away. I battle them myself from time to time. One of the most effective things for me is not to allow myself enough time to dwell on it. When I stay really busy, I find that I don't dwell on it as often. 

I hate exercise, but I joined a gym and I find that when I force myself to spend at least an hour a day at the gym my state of mind is much better. Although it is a battle, because I am not one of those who loves exercising. I argue with myself the whole time I'm on the treadmill, arc, etc. I tell myself I'm going to quit, and then I argue with myself that I've paid for this and I need to get my money's worth. It really does make me feel better though, especially as I'm leaving. :laughing:

I don't know if this is true for you or not, but sometimes I think PerC can be quite toxic. If that is the case for you, then maybe getting away from it for awhile could be beneficial. I'm thinking of doing that myself as it is really beginning to wear on me. If you do spend time on PerC, I would say try to avoid threads that depress you or that attract those who depress you.

I haven't really interacted with you much, but what little I've seen doesn't make you seem like the horrible person you think that you are. We all have flaws and imperfections. I know when I'm depressed I tend to hyper focus on every mistake I feel that I've made. When I'm thinking clearly, I realize that there isn't a person alive who doesn't make mistakes every day.

This may not help you but it helped a lady that I am friends with. She was feeling really low, her husband had passed away and she felt all alone. She said she decided to sit down and write down everything that she has to be thankful for and she said once she started writing she realized that she had far more going for her than she thought.

As I mentioned, I get really depressed from time to time, and one of those times I discovered this video.






I hope you'll watch it. After viewing it, I found that my perspective changed a lot. From time to time I need to go back and watch it again.

I hope it helps a little.

Best wishes,
Jamaix


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## Fumetsu (Oct 7, 2015)

I'm missing a disk in my spine, my knees and feet didn't grow properly because I had rickets when I was a kid and I have an illness where I have to take medication that makes me sick as hell and destroys muscle tissue and collegian. Movin hurts like hell and what's worse is that I look " normal" so no one believes there is anything wrong with me.

I too go to the gym everyday because, yes, it can _always be worse_ like sitting around getting fat and miserable. I refuse to be miserable.

That's a very inspiring video but posting it was probably a waste. Miserable people have some sort of disconnect where it doesn't matter what they see, they always have it worse.


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## Apple Pine (Nov 27, 2014)

I don't think that it's beneficial for one with no legs to watch videos about people with no legs, to be honest. I know it seems like inspiration, but they will just see what's wrong. Just an example.


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## Fumetsu (Oct 7, 2015)

Mantas said:


> I don't think that it's beneficial for one with no legs to watch videos about people with no legs, to be honest. I know it seems like inspiration, but they will just see what's wrong. Just an example.


Wait, when did the TS say they had no legs?

But I know what you mean. When I was young I wasn't the type to let my disability stop me. My grandmother was. I'd sign up for all the sports teams and social activities I could; anything to get ahead. She would go as far as calling them up to tell them that I was incompetent and couldn't join the. To stop me.

Then she would sit me down and make me watch the dpecial Olympics and point things out like " Thst guy has no legs ( he had metal legs, which don't hurt) and _he's_ still running . Why aren't _you _ doing that!?

But it's good for an able-bodied sad-sac just t show that as I said before, happiness is in fact a choice.


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## Maye (Feb 15, 2015)

@Emerald Legend

I know what you mean about people being selfish, and I know a little what it is to be completely selfish myself. I guess I don't have it as hard as you, but I have gone through times when I just felt angry and impatient at almost everyone, and just wanted to be left alone. The truth is, there is a lot of evil and selfishness in the world, people, and ourselves. But there really is also a lot of good. People aren't all bad in nature and they aren't all good. 

We should never deny that evil exists in ourselves and others, or try not to detect it! But we can choose to focus on everything that is good, loving, and on the beauty of nature; on the sun that warms us and the air we breathe. 

I have issues with my faith, and whether I actually am a christian yet. But I do actually think the bible is true. It says: "He (god) causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous". Btw, don't feel like you don't have to believe the bible to agree with that, its just true. 

When you allow yourself to focus on all that is truly good in the world, you are getting a more accurate picture of everything. Of course we are bad and selfish, and the world is not the utopia God made it to be a long time ago. But its inherent nature is still very good. Let yourself soak up some of that too, don't feel like you must always stare into the darkness. We don't have to. Darkness is the absence of light. In fact, its NOT as real. Its the absence of what is real. The fact you can even see all the darkness is a result of the light that is here, and the good still here. 

Good luck, and I hope you find what you are looking for, Little by Little. Also know that you don't have to pressure yourself to be better just in the eyes of others. It matters a lot more what is really going on inside of us than what others can perceive. Of course going and experiencing from a simple desire to do better can help improve what is going on inside of us as well. But if you mess up and say something angry or awkward, don't be too discouraged. Because it doesn't mean your not actually getting better or on the right road (overall) to helping yourself get better.


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## stiletto (Oct 26, 2013)

I'm sorry.
I hope in your life's journey you will find something that makes you love to exist. It sucks not feeling like you have a purpose or drive.


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## Kaisikudo (Mar 26, 2011)

sweetraglansweater said:


> are you a child molester? a rapist? a repeat kiddie porn viewer? an addict? user? abuser?


Of the six things this person mentions, I have been three of them at one point or another in my life, and I'm only twenty three years old. I am not willing to specifically state which three. Please do not ask.

I strongly relate to the original poster's sense of immense personal guilt. The best advice which I can offer him for living with a life of regret is such a simple one, that it might actually sound patronizing.

You need to learn to practice self-forgiveness. You cannot continue to measure your own worth by the mistakes you've made. You question your purpose. You see yourself hurting others, and believe that the world would be better off without you; but you don't realize that _nobody_ has a true purpose on this earth. If you want a purpose, a reason to keep on living, you have to create one for yourself.

Go ahead and hate yourself. But hate yourself honestly. Hate the parts of yourself that cause you suffering, and strive to correct them. Strive to become a better person. Make that your purpose.


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## Kaisikudo (Mar 26, 2011)

In March of this year, I was diagnosed with a rare auto-immune disorder that is slowly killing me. It is an idiopathic disorder, to which no cure currently exists. I have roughly fifteen years left to live, so I will die sometime in my mid to late thirties.

I consider this karmic retribution for all of the cruelty and pain I've inflicted on others throughout my life. I intend to spend this next decade or so being as warm and compassionate an individual as I can.

If it helps the original poster, I would advise you to find some kind of personal symbol of strength. An accessory, a tattoo, an ornament. Anything that works for you. Personally, I wear an amulet of the sun every single day. The sun is a life-giving object, to which all living creatures owe their existence. As an Athiest, it is the closest thing to a tangible God that I can fathom, as well as a personal throwback to a series of books I adored as a young boy, about an order of sun-worshipping warrior monks who strove to protect the innocent from darkness and evil. I wear this amulet as a metaphorical reminder to myself to be like the sun, a warm and guiding light that people can depend on, and to keep my own temper and visceral demons at bay.


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## Emerald Legend (Jul 13, 2010)

Kaisikudo said:


> In March of this year, I was diagnosed with a rare auto-immune disorder that is slowly killing me. It is an idiopathic disorder, to which no cure currently exists. I have roughly fifteen years left to live, so I will die sometime in my mid to late thirties.
> 
> I consider this karmic retribution for all of the cruelty and pain I've inflicted on others throughout my life. I intend to spend this next decade or so being as warm and compassionate an individual as I can.
> 
> If it helps the original poster, I would advise you to find some kind of personal symbol of strength. An accessory, a tattoo, an ornament. Anything that works for you. Personally, I wear an amulet of the sun every single day. The sun is a life-giving object, to which all living creatures owe their existence. As an Athiest, it is the closest thing to a tangible God that I can fathom, as well as a personal throwback to a series of books I adored as a young boy, about an order of sun-worshipping warrior monks who strove to protect the innocent from darkness and evil. I wear this amulet as a metaphorical reminder to myself to be like the sun, a warm and guiding light that people can depend on, and to keep my own temper and visceral demons at bay.


I'm bery sorry to hear that. There's no cure at all?


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## yet another intj (Feb 10, 2013)

Emerald Legend said:


> To exist is to think, to think is to be unhappy.


Then, remember that "not everything supposed to make sense" and try something different: To exist is to feel, to feel is to be happy. I, for one, will never judge you if you honestly try it.



Emerald Legend said:


> I really really hate myself as a person and not sure what I'm even doing on this earth. I do not derive any pleasures from anything, hate for wanting things I can't have, and not sure not sure not sure why and wtf I'm doing here on this earth.


Reductio ad absurdum.



Emerald Legend said:


> Can you please tell me why people like me get to exist? To entertain the gods?


Because you are born and had a progress, a huge progress... Enough to question your own existence. I'm sure you will find this painfully ironical but that's why it's so valuable. I don't know why people are constantly craving for an audience they can't relate by any means, some kind of big other for praising or blaming to enjoy things or suffer from something. There's no Gods and we are not entertaining or disturbing anybody but ourselves. Nobody really promised you anything and you believed lies. Many of them were about who you were and who you should or shouldn't be. There was also the ones about what should make you happy or sad. Now, you realized that there's something sketchy about "your" life. So, it's time to learn how to discover everything from scratch, with an open mind, like a new born baby who can discover "life" beyond his own.

You do not want to exist anymore? Well, it's too late... Once again, you are born. You are already a variable. You filled and also interacted with "void". It's distorted when you born and it's not going back to the untouched state after you die. You are already infected with the spark of divine and passed the barrier of nothing. The nature of things is bigger than "your" anything and we are greater than whatever personal worry as a part of the whole.


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## Fumetsu (Oct 7, 2015)

The only joke here is on the millions of people with terminal illnesses, or in war-torn countries who would give anything to see one more sunrise. Because they appreciate just existing.


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## johnnyyukon (Nov 8, 2013)

stiletto said:


> I'm sorry.
> I hope in your life's journey you will find something that makes you love to exist. It sucks not feeling like you have a purpose or drive.


I think you just nailed the essence of this matter.


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## FlaviaGemina (May 3, 2012)

Some of you guys are being a bit harsh on the OP. If he does suffer from (clinical) depression, then all the rational advice about creating his own purpose isn't going to help. Depression isn't something that people choose and anhedonia overcomes them out of the blue for no logical reason at all.
However, @Emerald Legend, I do think you should seek professional help. If you are worried about employers having access to your medical data, try a holistic practitioner, e.g. a hypnotist or aromatherapist. You'd have to pay privately, but they don't have any obligation to pass your data on to employers, medical insurances, the government and so on. Plus, they will probably know someone who offers therapy outside the official frame work, as well.


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## sweetraglansweater (Jul 31, 2015)

> Happiness is a choice?
> 
> More or less. The years living inside my head has made me selfish, bitter, and rude to people, and that's what I meant by being a horrible and limited person. Like- I would try to change, but fall back to old self..that's why it seems like- once you know what you are capable of, do you ever escape it? Under right (or wrong) circumstances I'll falter and be like I was because I know how to be that.
> I hate people. I know I'm selfish. I know they're selfish, so why mingle and compete?


Yes. It is. It starts with being grateful for who you are and what you have, for life itself. It starts with blessing others and yourself. It starts with praise.

Choose life. Choose to bless the sky and stars. Choose to praise the grass and earth. Bless and praise the world around you. If you cannot freely give one thing in your life a blessing of praise and joy, even if it's porn or a video game or a beer, then yes you truly can never recover.

Say the words: "I listen to my misery, I forgive my unhappiness, I forgive my weariness inside, I love myself, I am grateful for myself and I bless the sky above I praise the ground beneath. Blessed be the Universe now and forever, praise the creator/nature. I choose happiness. I bless myself."


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## Enxu (Dec 14, 2012)

Emerald Legend said:


> I'm not normal. I'm a limited person..and a horrible person, and don't know how to change that. What would hitler do if he realized he was such a monster? Could he go back to being normal again after having stooped too low? Can anyone come back/improve after being horrible for all these years?
> I would give anything to be a normal person with normal concerns and normal friends caring about normal things. I don't want to be an outlier..it's lonely it's cold I do not want to stay here by myself..there's no nobility in being special/different. I want to be one of the drones, and forget being..this.


Odd that you mentioned Hitler, but he had a reason for becoming the horrible person he became. I read a study written up about him from his childhood to adulthood. He had an abusive father who abused him physically, and this resulted in lots of pent up emotions of anger inside. According to that study, he never dealt with his childhood issues and problems with his father and thus when his adult life wasn't very smooth, he went into politics and released his pent up emotions through war. There was also something wrong about the entire society of Germany at that time which allowed Hitler to gain power with his cult. It was as though the whole German society was prepared to receive a tyrant and psychopathic ruler. 

Not sure why you feel the way you do, but I've felt similarly about myself because of my upbringing. But that doesn't mean I'm inherently evil because I know I aren't. You need to identify the reasons why you are doing things that make you feel you're horrible and evaluate yourself more objectively based on your inner inclinations rather than your temporary reaction to things. Unless you choose to remain in the state that makes you feel you're horrible (like Hitler did), you have no reason to think that you cannot go back to being a normal, compassionate and kind individual.


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