# Losing everything at once and starting from square one again.



## RandomNote (Apr 10, 2013)

Athena Avril said:


> The main issues would be that I can't speak any Nordic language, and I will take a while to get used to the climate because I lived in the tropical climate all my life.


Well you can speak....err....write English pretty well so that's a plus......kinda. If its a language barrier you can either learn it which can be hard depending on the person and language(i learned a few languages myself, completely forgot them though) or if you speak English try a place that speaks English.(the U.S excluded)

Yeah climate change can be hard to get used to at first but it shouldn't be that much of a problem after you get used to it.


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## Aquamarine (Jul 24, 2011)

RandomNote said:


> Not at all.....granted ive never been in a situation where someone fished for compliments so i probably wouldn't recognize it even if it happened.......but no i didn't think that. I gave that weak attempt at encouragement cause......well i just do what i do.
> 
> Well you got the general idea of what i said (i think) so that's good.


Not at all? I hardly come into such a situation before, it's just that the way I phrase it sounds like I am fishing for your compliments. Regardless of whether it's a weak attempt or not, I still appreciate it. 

Yeah.  That's what I interpreted from what you said.


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## Diphenhydramine (Apr 9, 2010)

_VICTORY IS GOING FROM DEFEAT TO DEFEAT WITHOUT GIVING UP_

I don't think quotes are really that inspirational though.

There's only one piece of advice I have for you though, that I really think you should heed – stop this online dating business immediately. You are looking for love, it seems, and looking for it anywhere, but it doesn't matter if you can find it somewhere if you can't though. Look online for Singaporeans, or maybe Malaysians, I guess, but you are only going to harm yourself if you find another person in say, the US or Britain, and the same thing is going to happen to you again.

As for emigrating to Europe: good luck. It's getting notoriously difficult. You've missed out on the great migration game by about six or seven years.

edit – I'm sorry, this sounded so negative. I wanted to say that you seem to have a high level of consciousness, intelligence and work ethic, you just don't really seem to know what it is you want or how to get it. Those are things you can really know yourself – but I wouldn't personally count you out of it yet, you have a lot going for you.


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## RaidenPrime (Aug 4, 2012)

*NT Bear Hug for you*


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## Aquamarine (Jul 24, 2011)

Diphenhydramine said:


> _VICTORY IS GOING FROM DEFEAT TO DEFEAT WITHOUT GIVING UP_
> 
> I don't think quotes are really that inspirational though.
> 
> ...


I don't find the quotes inspirational, but it enables me to see matters in a different perspective.

Sir, before you judge me, let me get a few facts straight once and for all; I have mentioned these points several times already, and I am not sure if you are aware or not so I will give you the benefit of the doubt. 

Firstly, I do not run an online dating business. Perhaps I come across as somebody who's promoting online dating, and get that clear that this is not my intention. Secondly, I did try looking for guys in real life for a relationship, and it was a complete failure, which was why I started looking online in the first place. If I am going to look for a local partner, I might as well date in-person instead of online. Thirdly, I do not specifically look for American or British men; I have dated an Australian and a Spanish before. One of them is an American citizen but he's of Japanese heritage. I would strongly prefer to date someone from a similar culture with mine (ie. Singaporean Chinese or Taiwanese), however I am very flexible about this preference as you can see. Fourthly, I won't be living in Singapore for more than 5 years anyway, so even if I am successful in finding a local partner, that relationship will eventually become a long-distance one if my partner does not want to move with me. Lastly, I am not planning to migrate to Malaysia.

Look at this situation; is it even worth it for me to search for love? The answer is clear enough.

Six or seven years ago, I was only 12 years old. I am out of luck, then. I am only left with Taiwan and the rest of Northeast Asia as options (which will be missing the point of migrating in the first place). Perhaps South America as well (these are the only choices left for me).

I am sorry for being harsh also, but I want to make sure that you get certain facts about me right instead of making assumptions before giving me advice. Maybe I am interpreting your advice wrongly; I find that you tend to jump to conclusions about me without reading the first post. I think it's due to this that I do not seem to be getting any helpful advice from you. 

No offense, but you don't sound like you truly mean it when you praised me; my last few encounters with you ended up with you giving me a piece of your mind. I know very well what I want, except that I don't know how to go about getting it. I wouldn't mind if you point out what's wrong with me, only after you get the facts right first.


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## Aquamarine (Jul 24, 2011)

Raidou Kuzunoha said:


> *NT Bear Hug for you*


*Hugs back* Thanks!


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## Aquamarine (Jul 24, 2011)

RandomNote said:


> Well you can speak....err....write English pretty well so that's a plus......kinda. If its a language barrier you can either learn it which can be hard depending on the person and language(i learned a few languages myself, completely forgot them though) or if you speak English try a place that speaks English.(the U.S excluded)
> 
> Yeah climate change can be hard to get used to at first but it shouldn't be that much of a problem after you get used to it.


That only applies to English-speaking countries, which is not the case for most European countries that you've suggested so far. It's going to take time to learn a language, and maybe if I will move within 5 years, I might as well start learning now.

I suppose that I'll have to spend a lot of money on winter clothes until I get used to the climate.


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## LostTheMarbles (Mar 4, 2012)

Don't see it as starting from square one because the biggest asset you ever have is yourself, no one can take away who you are, your skills or your experiences.

This last year:

I've distanced myself from pretty much all my old friends, I realized they weren't the type of people I wanted to be around so I went out and replaced them with a much more positive group of people that really understand me and have the same hopes and dreams.
I dropped my job/career and went travelling, I left with terribly low confidence and feeling terrible about the industry. Now that I've come back I've realized that I'm a much stronger person and that my skills are still there , I now have the confidence to go into interviews and walk away with a job based on my personality alone, companies almost fight over me, I've been offered as much as a 40% pay rise compared to my salary before I left, shows how much I've grown as a person.
 I've picked up a totally new outlook on life, I used to almost kill myself with overtime trying to be loyal to my previous company, now I'm going to try and keep to my contracted hours and have so much more fun in my spare time.
I lost over 20kg over the last year just getting out and exploring the world (Food poisoning helped).
I've just accepted a job offer in Germany (I'm from the UK), life's so much more exciting when you're out of your comfort zone, it's what motivates me to keep going and see how much fun life can be.

Just over a year ago I sold everything and threw away all my old friends, the freedom it's given me has been an amazing way to open my eyes to what's really important in life, sometimes having nothing gives you a clean slate to build your perfect life on.


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## Aquamarine (Jul 24, 2011)

LostTheMarbles said:


> Don't see it as starting from square one because the biggest asset you ever have is yourself, no one can take away who you are, your skills or your experiences.
> 
> This last year:
> 
> ...


Thanks for helping me see this from a new perspective. 

1) I just broke off communication with almost every person from my past, except for a small group of good friends, PerC friends and my family. 
2) Can travelling be included into the resume? I suppose that the hirers can tell that you learned something from your travelling experience, thus the salary increase and higher demand for you. When you mentioned 'walked away with a job based on your personality alone', do you mean that you decided on your new career by matching it with your personality?
3) Sometimes it may not be easy to stick to the contracted hours, especially when last-moment tasks come during 4pm to 5pm (for office hours). Unless I have the right to delay the task for tomorrow or to reject it, it's not easy. I will love to have a job with fixed hours; we need recreation and relaxation more than we think.
4) Not a good way to lose weight. I prefer gradual weight loss than doing so rapidly.
5) I think that I will plan to work overseas, in fact migrating as well. That is going to take a while for it to happen due to citizenship issues and lack of financial resources at the moment.

I left my old friends relatively quickly, bur when it comes to moving (I don't own a house or any vehicles), it takes a while. I wouldn't say that I will leave everybody and everything; most of my past life will be gone though. I just want to restart everything again and make things right, so I won't be correcting things and people in my life that are already right.

Thanks for sharing your experience!


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## Diphenhydramine (Apr 9, 2010)

Athena Avril said:


> Firstly, I do not run an online dating business. Perhaps I come across as somebody who's promoting online dating, and get that clear that this is not my intention.


 By business I meant 'activity' not an actual business. The point that I was trying to make is that I have read a lot of your posts on this forum on this subject, and you seem to have this thing of finding partners online then getting upset, or frustrated when it doesn't work out. 

Just look at your OP for example. You got into a new job not suited for you so you could go and meet your online boyfriend. That sort of thing costs thousands. I suggested you meet people in the surrounding area, not necessarily next door, but _within reasonable reach_. There are some obvious benefits to this. Neither is it intuitive that if you're going to meet somebody in the same city you don't have to meet them online. I understand fully your cultural requirements. 

And yet you say you are going to emigrate within five years. This is like what I said to you in one of the other threads. There's a big disconnect here. You want to pick up a mate now and hold on to them in a very long distance relationship until you can possibly emigrate to where they live and settle down with them? – alright, there's nothing wrong with this plan except that just how many people do you suppose share that ideal – and how many of them are going to keep sharing it despite whatever opportunities pop up right next door to _them_? 

If you aren't willing to accept a 'temporary' relationship without a limited time frame, then perhaps you're better off just waiting – though I think you are already juggling that idea before I mentioned it.

Re immigrating – what I meant is that it isn't as easy as you seem to think. Not that it's impossible.



Athena Avril said:


> I am sorry for being harsh also, but I want to make sure that you get certain facts about me right instead of making assumptions before giving me advice. Maybe I am interpreting your advice wrongly; I find that you tend to jump to conclusions about me without reading the first post. I think it's due to this that I do not seem to be getting any helpful advice from you.
> 
> No offense, but you don't sound like you truly mean it when you praised me; my last few encounters with you ended up with you giving me a piece of your mind. I know very well what I want, except that I don't know how to go about getting it. I wouldn't mind if you point out what's wrong with me, only after you get the facts right first.


 Well, people view things differently. The reason I give you 'a piece of mind' (I do this to everyone so) is not because I'm judging you or jumping to conclusions. For one it's just my style, and secondly it's because I think that you can't see the trees for the woods, so to speak. To me it seems blindingly obvious why you keep being used as the third wheel in a relationship – because your relationships are all very-long-distance and because you never, or rarely, meet the people you are with in them.

If you don't want to receive any more comments from me, I won't be offended. But I'm not really interested in patting you on the back and saying "you're great" because that isn't how I believe you are supposed to help people. I have criticised your goals because I think they're fundamentally at odds with one another and this difference is harming you. If you don't want to hear that from me, say so, and you won't again.


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## LostTheMarbles (Mar 4, 2012)

Athena Avril said:


> 2) Can travelling be included into the resume? I suppose that the hirers can tell that you learned something from your travelling experience, thus the salary increase and higher demand for you. When you mentioned 'walked away with a job based on your personality alone', do you mean that you decided on your new career by matching it with your personality?


I'm a Software Engineer so travel is one of the key parts of my CV, it's what separates me from a lot of the other robots in the industry who never do anything that's seen as a risk. It's one thing I can guarantee they're going to ask me about in every interview so I use it to show off quite a bit.

What I meant was that I can now go into the interviews and use my personality (INFJ I think) and my confidence to make interviewers comfortable with me and trust me, it almost gets to the point where they're my friend rather than my future boss.



Athena Avril said:


> 3) Sometimes it may not be easy to stick to the contracted hours, especially when last-moment tasks come during 4pm to 5pm (for office hours). Unless I have the right to delay the task for tomorrow or to reject it, it's not easy. I will love to have a job with fixed hours; we need recreation and relaxation more than we think.


There're always going to be little emergencies and stuff that will hold me in the office occasionally but the rest of the time I'm going to be out of the door doing what I like. Don't be scared to occasionally tell your boss that you have other plans when they come to you late in the day, as long as it's not always that way they'll respect you for being honest and standing up for yourself, your boss is only human, he knows how it is.



Athena Avril said:


> 4) Not a good way to lose weight. I prefer gradual weight loss than doing so rapidly.


I got a stomach infection in Thailand and lost 14kg in a week, not healthy but I had people looking after me. I was doing a lot of walking (You can't tie me down) and was hardly eating.



Athena Avril said:


> 5) I think that I will plan to work overseas, in fact migrating as well. That is going to take a while for it to happen due to citizenship issues and lack of financial resources at the moment.


How old are you? Maybe you could look at Working holiday Visas, not sure how they are for other nationalities though, you'll have to look into it.


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## Aquamarine (Jul 24, 2011)

Diphenhydramine said:


> By business I meant 'activity' not an actual business. The point that I was trying to make is that I have read a lot of your posts on this forum on this subject, and you seem to have this thing of finding partners online then getting upset, or frustrated when it doesn't work out.
> 
> Just look at your OP for example. You got into a new job not suited for you so you could go and meet your online boyfriend. That sort of thing costs thousands. I suggested you meet people in the surrounding area, not necessarily next door, but _within reasonable reach_. There are some obvious benefits to this. Neither is it intuitive that if you're going to meet somebody in the same city you don't have to meet them online. I understand fully your cultural requirements.
> 
> ...


It happened to me 4 times; each time it was because of unfavourable external circumstances so I assume that the problem is with how I managed the long distance relationship and I was not aware that the problem is in the relationship itself.

I'll let you have a run through my INTJ thought processes and how I got to my decision. In the meantime everybody here might get a better idea of what's actually going on. 

That's partly because I felt pressured to meet him and my family was also pressuring for me to get a job quickly. My attempts to find a boyfriend within reasonable distance were quite disastrous (parents disapproval which is common with Asian communities, guys telling me that I am not what they're looking for, plenty of shaming and rejection, etc.) and that is why I steer clear of men who are from Southeast Asia. Probably because the Asian mentality is very competitive (no offense), and that is why I am considered a failure by the standards of most Asian men and their families. Last time that I tried to find a local boyfriend online, I nearly got scammed several times. Not saying that all of them are fakes, but most of the dating profiles are. Seeing my circumstances though, it's not realistic for me to be picky about cultural requirements.

I have came to the conclusion that I can have only one or the other, and since relationships have been disappointing to me so far, I decided to give up on that commitment to find a partner and focus on migration instead. With the cost of living here, if I don't do it I will end up very poor during my retirement. Might as well leave when I am young and still have the energy to do it. It's between my survival (migration) vs. being less lonely (finding a mate); obviously I would choose the former and give up the latter. My family have tried to migrate to several nearby Southeast Asian countries, but we were rejected. That was why I have given up on love; I have reached the conclusion that nobody else shares the same goal as I do so it's a journey that I shall walk alone.

From my perspective, it sounds to me like you were offended by my straightforward talking style, so you're trying to attack my points with irrelevant arguments. I don't remember talking to you except recently, so I felt suspicious. Due to my circumstances, that's why I think that I won't be able to get a partner in my lifetime. Even if I seek later, by the time I am done with migration, settling down in a new country and saving up, I would be around 35 by then and it would be too late (in my opinion) for me to find a partner and settle down. I don't want to wait until then about something that is not definite. Might as well give it up early than hang on to false hope. With the amount of stress that I am bearing frequently, I don't think that I can live past 60 years old; therefore to find a partner so late in life would be selfish.



> If you don't want to receive any more comments from me, I won't be offended. But I'm not really interested in patting you on the back and saying "you're great" because that isn't how I believe you are supposed to help people. I have criticised your goals because I think they're fundamentally at odds with one another and this difference is harming you. If you don't want to hear that from me, say so, and you won't again.


I don't respond well to negative motivation, sorry. Fair enough, and what I would prefer from you is to pinpoint the problem and give a solution that works. If you think that my goals are at odd with each other and harming me, what do you recommend that I should do? When you make a criticism, be prepared to give a solution. Do I look like I am here to fish for compliments? If you are only here to be a critic and not to offer advice with a solution, I would prefer not to hear from you. Thanks for your effort, anyway.


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## milti (Feb 8, 2012)

Athena Avril said:


> I know that I have already asked for advice in several places in the forums, and as much as I appreciate all your help, I am sorry that I didn't replied to everybody.
> 
> I just want to dedicate a thread to be more specific in the advice that I am seeking for, and I just need somebody to talk to make myself feel better.
> 
> ...


The two things I bolded: wanting to leave the country, and, to a lesser degree, wanting to join my boyfriend (now ex) in a country on the other side of the globe from me... These two aspirations were always on my mind, and are on my mind even now, though to a lesser degree.

I suggest being patient. I get VERY impatient with how slow my life seems stuck here, I listen to people talking about their holidays abroad and see stuff on TV and in movies, and long with all my heart that I had the resources to get there. Wishing and hoping is all fine, but having the drive to make that happen - I lack that - and that's where I feel disheartened.

I don't know what you can do about your job and other things, but about these dreams of leaving, all I can say is try to see the upside of staying in your place. I for instance love my country a lot, and very fiercely, in some ways, and feel almost angry that there are things about it that make me dream of other countries instead. I appreciate the job I'm working at now, because it's giving me comfort and some money and something to do 9 hours a day. I like my freedom, independence, hanging out with girl friends, now that I don't have a boyfriend. These are the good things I can think of in my situation.

I'm afraid I'm always giving cliched advice based on my experience, but these are things I tell myself to stave off the "longing for another life" bug. You have this life, for whatever it's worth, and you can't hurry up time. I think you should be patient and wait for things to work out.


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## Aquamarine (Jul 24, 2011)

milti said:


> The two things I bolded: wanting to leave the country, and, to a lesser degree, wanting to join my boyfriend (now ex) in a country on the other side of the globe from me... These two aspirations were always on my mind, and are on my mind even now, though to a lesser degree.
> 
> I suggest being patient. I get VERY impatient with how slow my life seems stuck here, I listen to people talking about their holidays abroad and see stuff on TV and in movies, and long with all my heart that I had the resources to get there. Wishing and hoping is all fine, but having the drive to make that happen - I lack that - and that's where I feel disheartened.
> 
> ...


You're in a similar situation as I am, so I suppose that you'll understand what I am going through at a deeper level.

It's not really that I am being impatient or being influenced by people's travelling experiences; it's just that I have to do it sooner or later. If I didn't lack finances and have cleared the citizenship issues, I would probably be moving right now, regardless whether I have a boyfriend from half a world away or not. As long as I have the resources, I have the drive to do it. That's why I am working hard to get there. Now that I started out on a clean slate, the only thing that I have is freedom. I was never close to my female friends in the first place, as for independence I am still living with my parents until I am able to move out (thus I consider this as 'starting from square one').

I have actually resigned from the job already, and am currently just beginning to search for a job again. Except for a reasonable standard of living here, all I can think of is the high cost of living, not being to retire until I am at least 70 and long working hours (minimum 9am to 8pm).

I am not sure what are your reasons, but mine can't be solved. Otherwise, I wouldn't want to take the trouble to restart my life again. I can be patient, as long as I have the plan for my new life ahead in hand.

Perhaps you'll have a clearer idea by taking a look at the post below:


Athena Avril said:


> It happened to me 4 times; each time it was because of unfavourable external circumstances so I assume that the problem is with how I managed the long distance relationship and I was not aware that the problem is in the relationship itself.
> 
> I'll let you have a run through my INTJ thought processes and how I got to my decision. In the meantime everybody here might get a better idea of what's actually going on.
> 
> ...


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## Aquamarine (Jul 24, 2011)

LostTheMarbles said:


> I'm a Software Engineer so travel is one of the key parts of my CV, it's what separates me from a lot of the other robots in the industry who never do anything that's seen as a risk. It's one thing I can guarantee they're going to ask me about in every interview so I use it to show off quite a bit.
> 
> What I meant was that I can now go into the interviews and use my personality (INFJ I think) and my confidence to make interviewers comfortable with me and trust me, it almost gets to the point where they're my friend rather than my future boss.
> 
> ...


I am not sure how useful travel experiences will be in the CV of a business administrator. Normally in my past interviews, the interviewer just ask me whether I am willing to work overseas or not.

The friendliness and charisma is something that doesn't come naturally for an INTJ. I think that it's possible for me to work on that, though.

Happened to me in the last job almost daily. Usually I don't ask to leave early if I have nothing on, unless I am really exhausted.

What's the cause of the stomach infection? Losing 14kg sounds very serious to me. Take care next time!

I'm turning 20 thus year. Do you mean to work in a country for many years and letting naturalisation take place if I marry in the country? I will look into it for several countries, thanks!


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## Jasper Yuuki (Feb 12, 2013)

Diphenhydramine said:


> By business I meant 'activity' not an actual business. The point that I was trying to make is that I have read a lot of your posts on this forum on this subject, and you seem to have this thing of finding partners online then getting upset, or frustrated when it doesn't work out.
> 
> Just look at your OP for example. You got into a new job not suited for you so you could go and meet your online boyfriend. That sort of thing costs thousands. I suggested you meet people in the surrounding area, not necessarily next door, but _within reasonable reach_. There are some obvious benefits to this. Neither is it intuitive that if you're going to meet somebody in the same city you don't have to meet them online. I understand fully your cultural requirements.
> 
> ...


I was the one who mentioned the 'temporary relationship' option in another related thread, except with a time limit of one year unless both parties want to continue the relationship. Of course it sounds great, except that I've never tried it myself. Therefore I can't tell if it's going to work in practice.

Being a frequent follower of her thread, her conditions are that she will either search now or give it up altogether. Maybe she has other commitments/reasons behind this that she's not comfortable voicing out here. For prudence's sake, rather than entertain false hopes, giving up is the better option.

Indeed you've a valid point, but you might want to rephrase your advice in a less-offensive way.


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## Diphenhydramine (Apr 9, 2010)

This thread is not about me so any discussions directly related to me should be posted on my wall or in PM. I stand by what I said before – I've nothing else to say on the matter.


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## LostTheMarbles (Mar 4, 2012)

Athena Avril said:


> I am not sure how useful travel experiences will be in the CV of a business administrator. Normally in my past interviews, the interviewer just ask me whether I am willing to work overseas or not.


You can use it to demonstrate so many useful skills and experiences. Just travel will give you a whole new outlook on life and give you a massive confidence boost when you realise how much you can achieve.



Athena Avril said:


> What's the cause of the stomach infection? Losing 14kg sounds very serious to me. Take care next time!


Not sure what caused it, it's just part of being in Thailand and eating random foods. I was lucky to be with a friend that looked after me, she pretty much forced me to eat as often as I could, once she left I didn't eat for 4 days straight.

I had plenty of spare weight to lose though.



Athena Avril said:


> I'm turning 20 thus year. Do you mean to work in a country for many years and letting naturalisation take place if I marry in the country? I will look into it for several countries, thanks!


20 is so young! Don't start worrying about settling down so early, especially not about relationships, just enjoy yourself, do what ever you want at least for the next few years, don't worry about being single or not having a career. 

Take some risks while you're young and if things don't work out, pick yourself up and try something new.

I'm 29 and still just enjoying myself.


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## Kitagawa Megumi (Jan 13, 2010)

Hmmm... it's nearly 5am over here and I am burnt out from trying to find a second job on my end. You know what, actually, I was born in Singapore too. However, I've been studying at Melbourne, Australia for the past 4 years now. Are you jealous? Stumbled upon those sexy facebook pictures of me yet? Well, they're not real- as in, picture perfect cause they're just pictures. They're static. Static, similar to whatever preconceived idea you had on how fabulous a life such and such on facebook must lead (comparing yourself to other people) as well as your own insecurities (i.e. holding onto the idea that you are worthless to the men in your culture, sure you had some bad experiences; feelings of shaming and rejection)- it's all in your head. They're just STATIC thoughts, pure thought that may or may not be somewhat based on reality that is ever-changing.

I think you're dwelling on past hurts, ruminating in the familiar. Have you ever been through a near death experience? Gone bankrupt overnight? Had your entire plan of your future torn in two? Yeah, all these ideas you had of how the future would be.. like sand seeping through your fingers. Feelings of euphoria or heartbreak, they come and they go so you may as well enjoy them, or at least accept them (so you can move on to better things) while you can. And if you do not want to even believe, well then you don't even need to try to feel alive. George Carlin's words, "How to have a crappy day? Just get up!"  Make a conscious effort to move towards doing what takes care of you, leaving behind what is not in your control while staying with the present moment.

_"Even if I seek later, by the time I am done with migration, settling down in a new country and saving up, I would be around 35 by then and it would be too late (in my opinion) for me to find a partner and settle down. I don't want to wait until then about something that is not definite. Might as well give it up early than hang on to false hope."_

About that whole definite thing, wanting a definite answer from others or from yourself... those are damn mighty expectations that might paralyze you. You kind of remind me of myself, about a year back. Then shit happens, life isn't definite to begin with. 

If you've made your decision to not date anyone locally, okay, by all means stick with it. That said, I think being 19 with a string of nasty experiences in the interpersonal relationships department isn't so bad. It's a bit of an exaggeration to believe it to be the end of your entire love life. That whole "it'd be too late (...)" is utter bullshit. Why in the world would you need to have saved up and migrated, before finding a partner? Say you were in a foreign country, is it impossible to find a partner whilst saving up? Or do you feel vulnerable since in that case you wouldn't have had a whole lot of independence? Didn't you mention something about a sugar daddy? Sugar daddy VS not dating until fully migrated and saved up are rather contradictory desires. What do you want? A sense of security? 

I stand by the notion that you have to feel secure in yourself, first, before reaching out to others who truly see and value you. However, that does not mean shutting yourself off from the world whilst saving up for the next 35 years. Work on yourself while meeting people? Perhaps look for company, instead of setting your mind solely on romance. There's a difference between seeking and finding.


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## RaidenPrime (Aug 4, 2012)

I don't know if this is any consolation, but I can relate. 

I've had to start my business on the internet because even though the US is said to have a lot of opportunities, it has been impossible to find the right work that I was happy with, and anything with my graphic design experience (involving getting hired with a company) has ended in my job being sent to people overseas who would gladly work for less money, since the companies generally were low on money and didn't have enough money to pay an American worker. 

My parents have always had ridiculous ideals for the type of men I should be with, and I've been outright telling them since I was 4 years old "I LIKE SCANDINAVIAN MEN MOM". I've had dates irl where I could tell right off the bat I'd end up as a third wheel if I bothered browsing the guys blogs or Facebook. Which is why I don't even check social networking sites anymore, I generally don't care unless someone actually confronts me personally for relationship advice. That and a lot of men whose values I understood (American men) goes against everything I'd love to destroy about the United States government and values. 

But yeah, I keep saving, in hopes I can end up where I want to be in Europe and actually bring my business with me, since it is run online. And I understand what it's like, staying in a miserable job or a job where you feel like you can't bring out the best of your own abilities so working might be an outright bore or drain the life out of you, but you're there due to pressure either you want to get somewhere with the money you saved up, or other people say this job is perfect for you (even if it isn't and you know this deep down, but you're damned if you do damned if you don't explain why it isn't right for you).


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## Aquamarine (Jul 24, 2011)

apathy said:


> Hmmm... it's nearly 5am over here and I am burnt out from trying to find a second job on my end. You know what, actually, I was born in Singapore too. However, I've been studying at Melbourne, Australia for the past 4 years now. Are you jealous? Stumbled upon those sexy facebook pictures of me yet? Well, they're not real- as in, picture perfect cause they're just pictures. They're static. Static, similar to whatever preconceived idea you had on how fabulous a life such and such on facebook must lead (comparing yourself to other people) as well as your own insecurities (i.e. holding onto the idea that you are worthless to the men in your culture, sure you had some bad experiences; feelings of shaming and rejection)- it's all in your head. They're just STATIC thoughts, pure thought that may or may not be somewhat based on reality that is ever-changing.
> 
> I think you're dwelling on past hurts, ruminating in the familiar. Have you ever been through a near death experience? Gone bankrupt overnight? Had your entire plan of your future torn in two? Yeah, all these ideas you had of how the future would be.. like sand seeping through your fingers. Feelings of euphoria or heartbreak, they come and they go so you may as well enjoy them, or at least accept them (so you can move on to better things) while you can. And if you do not want to even believe, well then you don't even need to try to feel alive. George Carlin's words, "How to have a crappy day? Just get up!"  Make a conscious effort to move towards doing what takes care of you, leaving behind what is not in your control while staying with the present moment.
> 
> ...


When an event occurs frequently, the mind will observe a pattern and tie that pattern to its perception of reality. Having a natural inclination towards observing such pattern in everything doesn't help in such situations. Sorry, I really have no idea who you are, so I don't know how to be jealous of you either. xD

Except for having my entire plan of my future torn into two now, I have not experienced any of these scenarios you have mentioned. I suppose that 'accepting the situation and surrendering myself to fate' is the best solution here. I am only one human.

If you look beyond all my arguments, my decision is fundamentally because I don't care anymore about my love life and I just want to escape from here. Yes, I prefer not to rely on a partner financially, but at the time when I come up with the "sugar daddy" option, I was feeling suffocated by circumstances and want to leave this place immediately, so I was hoping of getting someone to financially support my migration until I can pay him back. I am aware that making this comment does not reflect well on me and my principles, but when I am cornered I will do anything to escape.

I wouldn't mind shutting myself out (that's what I am doing currently); at least it prevents me from acting out on others. I don't see a point in trying to fit in with others anymore.


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## Kitagawa Megumi (Jan 13, 2010)

Athena Avril said:


> When an event occurs frequently, the mind will observe a pattern and tie that pattern to its perception of reality. Having a natural inclination towards observing such pattern in everything doesn't help in such situations. Sorry, I really have no idea who you are, so I don't know how to be jealous of you either. xD
> 
> Except for having my entire plan of my future torn into two now, I have not experienced any of these scenarios you have mentioned. I suppose that 'accepting the situation and surrendering myself to fate' is the best solution here. I am only one human.
> 
> ...


Well, my point was that when you meet with a dead end, you could walk through it. Your feelings of being shamed and rejected, those memories stay with you and can strengthen you or you can choose to "submit to fate" and "give up on your love life altogether". That said, I don't really know what constitutes your idea of a love life or what your expectations of a love life is. 

Those uneventful, seemingly dull days are your becoming, patience! If you feel trapped, remember that there are many paths that will lead you to where you want to be... you don't exactly need to stroll down sugar daddy lane.


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## Aquamarine (Jul 24, 2011)

apathy said:


> Well, my point was that when you meet with a dead end, you could walk through it. Your feelings of being shamed and rejected, those memories stay with you and can strengthen you or you can choose to "submit to fate" and "give up on your love life altogether". That said, I don't really know what constitutes your idea of a love life or what your expectations of a love life is.
> 
> Those uneventful, seemingly dull days are your becoming, patience! If you feel trapped, remember that there are many paths that will lead you to where you want to be... you don't exactly need to stroll down sugar daddy lane.


I wrote the following post in a tongue-in-cheek manner, but this reflects the basics of what I need in a relationship, or at least what I am looking for now (this may change in the future):



Athena Avril said:


> Yes, I am serious. *I just want to connect to somebody on a romantic level and to offer emotional support to each other, without all the commitments due to the circumstances that I am in.*
> 
> -Will be purely an online relationship.
> *-No obligations allowed: (to meet up, to progress into a serious relationship, to have sex, to have any future plans, to financially support each other, etc.)*
> ...


I find that having expectations towards love hurt, so I decided to give up on that. I don't understand why majority of the people on this thread opposed to that and instead recommended me to keep waiting for false hope. In my opinion the option to give up is a lot more sensible than all other options-especially waiting for false hope.

Ok; a lot of the other paths will also be difficult, but I will see about that. Can you give an example of an alternative route.


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## Kitagawa Megumi (Jan 13, 2010)

Athena Avril said:


> I wrote the following post in a tongue-in-cheek manner, but this reflects the basics of what I need in a relationship, or at least what I am looking for now (this may change in the future):
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I think the point is not to wait, rather, to divert your attention elsewhere in order to first care for yourself but still remain open-minded about change; say, someone comes along and naturally you find yourself clicking well with them, an unexpected occurrence. Or, you could resign to "fate" and grumble along when you're 56, seeing happy couples walking by. 

That's nonsense, you're putting it in a box and labeling it as "belief" now. "I find that having expectations towards love hurt (...)" It sounds to me like you're feeling disillusioned, disappointed and down beaten which happens to everyone at some point. Having expectations is completely natural, trouble comes when you get so caught up with these expectations and refuse to let go of the pain from these expectations not being met and the disappointment that comes with it. What I meant before was that reality cannot be placed in rigid little boxes, it is fluid and in constant change. Taking something to be the RULE, from a few bad experiences takes away a lot of life. What you're essentially doing here is using central vision, an intense spotlight on a particular area whilst being too afraid to look around the darkened areas. We don't seem to use our peripheral vision much, or rather we don't trust it as we cannot categorize it or claim to know it so we cannot cling to it. It will be really hard to find that doorknob or to open doors for yourself when you refuse to shine your light elsewhere.

It is not an unrealistic expectation to want respect and for the other to show that they appreciate you. An unrealistic expectation would be for instance, say, wanting the other to always know what you want before you even clearly voice it out. You cannot claim that they do not respect or value you if they do not even know that they have disrespected or undervalued you unless you let them. Unless you say, "Ok, so you've still got feelings for your ex and do not know if you're ready for a relationship with me - that's alright, I still want to be with you!" I find that if you do not care about your needs, other people won't either.

I do not know of your background, financial or otherwise, however you've come across as wanting to leave the familiar; country and family. Perhaps you've felt overwhelmed lately, we get it, but for things to happen you gotta be patient and resilient. Sometimes that even means to be tolerant of your current circumstances and work with what you got. Figure out what work might be satisfying for you, where you are right now; what kind of work could be tolerable for you if not satisfying, then save up and do what you gotta do to care for your physical, mental and emotional well-being.

I don't know about you but, being 19 as well, I realize that I ain't getting younger anymore. I cannot expect to sit high above on the tree top, waiting for someone to hold my hand and to guide me through the rough tumbling times of my youth and soon, young adulthood. If anything, no one else but you can make that first climb down, to relive that spark within you to get in motion. You're a smart girl, I'm sure you can figure out some of your options in Singapore right now? I'm not sure if people on this forum who live far away know your options better than you know them yourself. 

If it's moral support you're looking for, I'm sure you've already found some around the forum.


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## lmaolola (Dec 17, 2012)

I'm at this point in my life too


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## Jasper Yuuki (Feb 12, 2013)

Athena Avril said:


> I know that I have already asked for advice in several places in the forums, and as much as I appreciate all your help, I am sorry that I didn't replied to everybody.
> 
> I just want to dedicate a thread to be more specific in the advice that I am seeking for, and I just need somebody to talk to make myself feel better.
> 
> ...


You just ain't meant to cross paths with that guy. If you have the ability to surpass three failures, you _can_ surpass the fourth failure as well. Even Thomas Edison took over 1,000 tries to succeed. No pain, no gain. Treat all these as an experience, not as a stroke of bad luck on you. Tough it out, girl. If you want to be alone to sort things out, by all means do it. It's going to be beneficial for take time out just for yourself.

Take care and bon voyage. We hope to see you again!


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## Jasper Yuuki (Feb 12, 2013)

lmaolola said:


> I'm at this point in my life too


Welcome to PerC! I hope that you will find the advice in this thread helpful to you.


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