# INFJ + INTJ Compatibility



## parallel

Is the INFJ a good long-term partner for the INTJ? I can't recall being exposed to the INFJ type more than a few times, so I'm not so sure about compatibility, even as friends. What are your experiences? Pros and cons?


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## Persephone

I've only been in a personal friendship with one INFJ. We didn't notice each other for a long time, then, by some random coincidence, we wound up talking. That was more than six months ago, and we're still talking, even though we haven't seen each other in a long time. We just clicked very well, I guess. I think it can work.


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## Narrator

A pair of friends of mine (twins) are an INFJ and an a very neurotic (in the way they look like a judger), Te and Niful INTP (I swear she's a judger, she denies it), and they get along brilliantly as far as I can tell, provided the INFJ has a fair degree of self-esteem and doesn't let themself get walked all over - unintentionally on the INTP/Js part, it's a two way street.

But that's twins...


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## DarklyValentine

Sure why not

* moonwalks out of this un


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## WildWinds

A relationship between any two, mature, decently developed types can work.

I've talked to people who are involved in INTJ/INFJ relationships and its usually fine. The biggest issue is usually meeting emotional needs. INFJ's seek a deep emotional bond. They often need reassurance that things are going fine in the relationship, that their partner cares about them, values them, loves them and thinks of them. INTJ goes more by "Nothings changed unless I tell you". On a just friends level, this is quite often the case as well. They value quality over quantity when it comes to friends, so if they have what they consider a close friend, they genuinely care and they need that to be returned. 

Another difference that comes up is making sure needs are getting met. An INFJ is likely to just give hints about what they need, and if their partner doesn't pick up on the hints, then they'll allow themselves to be neglected. And the frustration builds up, and if it builds up enough, it'll all just kinda come out at once and their partner is going to wonder wtf all this came from.


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## Ransomer

WildWinds said:


> A relationship between any two, mature, decently developed types can work.
> 
> I've talked to people who are involved in INTJ/INFJ relationships and its usually fine. The biggest issue is usually meeting emotional needs. INFJ's seek a deep emotional bond. They often need reassurance that things are going fine in the relationship, that their partner cares about them, values them, loves them and thinks of them. INTJ goes more by "Nothings changed unless I tell you". On a just friends level, this is quite often the case as well. They value quality over quantity when it comes to friends, so if they have what they consider a close friend, they genuinely care and they need that to be returned.
> 
> Another difference that comes up is making sure needs are getting met. An INFJ is likely to just give hints about what they need, and if their partner doesn't pick up on the hints, then they'll allow themselves to be neglected. And the frustration builds up, and if it builds up enough, it'll all just kinda come out at once and their partner is going to wonder wtf all this came from.


I am INFJ and in a relationship with an INTJ and we click together very well. But I think as a male INFJ I dont need the reassurance as much as female INFJs. And her being a female INTJ she is better with emotions than other INTJs.


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## silverlined

I think compatibility could be good. I'm an INFJ and when I was involved with an INTJ I found that we had plenty in common and a lot to talk about and we both intrigued each other. I had a hard time with the T/F differences I found that we were both very stubborn in different ways and that made the differences quite tricky.


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## Slicknick9283

come to think of it I love being a male F type because I still have some rational control. So I would think a female T would have good emotional stability too. Interesting food for thought. Sorry to get off topic.


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## ladognome

I'm an INFJ and I tend to get along really well with INTJ's. I can't say about romantic relationships though...


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## Ransomer

Slicknick9283 said:


> come to think of it I love being a male F type because I still have some rational control. So I would think a female T would have good emotional stability too. Interesting food for thought. Sorry to get off topic.


I think this is a great topic. I have so much control over my emotions and i occasionally ill slip but it doesnt last for long. My INTJ partner is pretty emotionally stable as well.


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## Ransomer

I think INFJs work well with INTJs because of our emotional intelligence. INTJs dont show their emotions that well but we are INFJs, we are supposed to be able to read people and know how they feel without them saying it.


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## Vanitas

I think it has the potential to work very well. INFJ could be the emotional support/ the heart of the pair.


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## WildWinds

I'm ENTP with a guy INFJ and it really is a good match for us as far as emotions are concerned. 

True to some of the suggestions made on the first page regarding T women, I can be a bit emotionally dry for a female. I don't empathize easily and I don't understand emotion a lot of times. My INFJ is just really....refreshing in a way. He helps me to empathize, and I help him to see the lighter side of life.


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## OscarHollywood

I had this thought, that women might do really well having Ti Te (not sure if thats right), as there primary or secondary functions, as they are already emotional.

Then a male with the above functions, but feeling, would balance it out pretty sweet. Maybe I'm see it wrong, but, It just makes sense to me in a weird way. 

I've had 2 run ins with enfp's that while it was great, I think there Fi (is that right?) got to me, and in the end, shit went really bad. I'd like to experience an ENTP female one day, or just chat to one.


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## Apollo Celestio

I think as long as the INFJ isn't do controlling and the INTJ is compromising, it'll go better than good.


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## Slicknick9283

OscarHollywood said:


> I had this thought, that women might do really well having Ti Te (not sure if thats right), as there primary or secondary functions, as they are already emotional.
> 
> Then a male with the above functions, but feeling, would balance it out pretty sweet. Maybe I'm see it wrong, but, It just makes sense to me in a weird way.
> 
> I've had 2 run ins with enfp's that while it was great, I think there Fi (is that right?) got to me, and in the end, shit went really bad. I'd like to experience an ENTP female one day, or just chat to one.


Well I dunno, as an ENFP, I dont hold my feelings inside I just express the feelings as thoughts through Te
I actually think it works out well for us because we are not overly emotional except for well certain times when we become overwhelmed and then have an emotional epiphany....or explosion, depending on circumstances. 

Anyway, with the INTJ and INFJ, their primary mode is the same, so on one level, they will understand each other, I think the problem will be in the communication. The INTJ will be guided by random thoughts and the INFJ will always have strange "gut feelings" and I would think there would be a lot of Judging besed on uncertainty. I think its one thing if they can be in sync but otherwise I dunno


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## NastyCat

It could work extremely well because of the primary Ni AND if you share similar values.

If you have to over-compromise your values to get along... then it won't work all too well at first... but with effort, it might get somewhere, too.


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## PeevesOfCourse

I have an INTJ friend who goes for INFJ girls every time. He only finds out later what they are though. (snicker) Ultimately, the money and trust issues seem to drag them down. Hope the latest one works out for him. I don't think I have ever dated an INFJ. I generally stick to T's, but only because I "know what to do with them". If that makes sense.


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## skaftafell

I've never really ventured too far into the dating scene and only have a few experiences (all of which have been long term), but the ones I've gone for have always been the intellects. Cliche as it sounds, the mind truly is the sexiest aspect of a human being (but a killer body doesn't hurt either:wink:!).

That being said, the guy I'm currently seeing is a classic INTJ. We actually met through Match.com because neither of us were finding guys with our interests or values. I've only ever been skeptical of online dating, but was floored by the connection I had with this guy through online chatting. That eventually led to calling each other and then the inevitable first date. I've got these crazy checklists I mentally keep track of when meeting would-be suitors, but this guy decimated them! It's rare for a guy to make it past 15 minutes, but that's what I get for my standards. Call me callous, but I know what I'm looking for... or thought I did. This guy is so much more than I could have hoped for. That date ended up lasting ten hours. We just couldn't get enough of what the other had to say.

We literally spent the next two weeks with each other. I have never felt such an immediate connection/attraction like I have with him. I love the way he thinks and approaches things. Every single conversation is full of mental orgasms, constantly fueling more and more tangents, inevitably leading to hours and hours of discussion. But the quiet times are just as powerful. I've found someone that appreciates, understands, and completely fascinates me. His mind is just like his body: breathtakingly beautiful.

True to form, though, we've encountered the initial hurdle: my F vs. his T. It's not so much an obstacle as it is an attempt to understand the other's point of view. He's logical and calculating whereas I'm empathetic and sensual. I can physically express my emotions while he refrains from professing his. We're devout and loyal to each other, so my natural desire for affirmation and appreciation has only served to confuse him. As far as he's concerned, he cares for me because we're already together. I'm extremely affectionate and enjoy it being returned, but that's been a potential hazard. No one should ever be obligated to return emotion. You can't force someone to feel something they don't. Besides, would you want the one you love to fake that emotion in return just to appease your needs? I sure as hell wouldn't. I want acts of true emotion, so have backed off when necessary. He's incredibly independent and needs time to himself to focus on his work/goals. I do, too, so it's easy for us to respect each other's space. But he's also getting better about expressing his emotions to me. Time is the factor here, but it's also helpful that we both really like each other and truly want this to work between us. And it's just so effortless for us to be together. Compromise is easy when you realize it's leading to a better future with the one you care about.


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## curious0610

WildWinds said:


> A relationship between any two, mature, decently developed types can work.
> 
> I've talked to people who are involved in INTJ/INFJ relationships and its usually fine. The biggest issue is usually meeting emotional needs. INFJ's seek a deep emotional bond. They often need reassurance that things are going fine in the relationship, that their partner cares about them, values them, loves them and thinks of them. INTJ goes more by "Nothings changed unless I tell you". On a just friends level, this is quite often the case as well. They value quality over quantity when it comes to friends, so if they have what they consider a close friend, they genuinely care and they need that to be returned.
> 
> Another difference that comes up is making sure needs are getting met. An INFJ is likely to just give hints about what they need, and if their partner doesn't pick up on the hints, then they'll allow themselves to be neglected. And the frustration builds up, and if it builds up enough, it'll all just kinda come out at once and their partner is going to wonder wtf all this came from.


i agree with nearly everything, especially the first paragraph. i often do need reassurance things are going fine, everything you wrote, but for me this can be done in random/surprise things here and there- randomly showering me with a huge bouquet of flowers, just because. no logical or practical reason, but just because he wanted to pleasantly surprise me and show that he was thinking about me. or something else random and occasional that relays that he values me or something about me. i would not want this on a routine basis though. random moments work.

but i would disagree with the needs- what do you mean by hints? im not direct, but i tend to choose a tactful way of disseminating information or relaying something. i know being tactful = not really direct, but at the same time i dont really find myself giving hints or suggesting/emphasizing things in a roundabout way. with mature intjs, ive also noticed they are more open to seeking feedback on things, which makes it a comfortable situation for me to address ways to improve or explain what i would find helpful or whatever

anyways back to OP; i would generally say INTJ + INFJ = very compatible, but only if the relationship develops somewhat slowly and each have the time and space to evaluate/filter each other, and reach a stage of familiarity and understanding. (as opposed to jumping in and forcing openness on each other. i think both intjs and infjs tend to need that buffer zone anyways in any type of relationships)


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## daydr3am

@skaftafell: Wow, your experience with your man sounds amazing! I am so happy for you.

I don't know if I've ever been in a romantic relationship with an INTJ, but my best friend is one. When I met her, I felt an "attraction" to her, and made attempts to establish a friendship with her. It worked because we became BFFs very quickly and were nearly inseparable during middle school. We very much enjoyed spending lots of time together, we didn't really seem to encounter communication issues on either of our parts, we talked a lot, sometimes we finished each other's sentences, and we just seemed to "get" each other. After being going to different high schools and colleges, we aren't as close or in sync as we used to be, but we are still best friends and "get" each other. I tend to come to her for support when I'm being emotional and need someone more objective and rational to cool me down, or when I feel as if I need some advice. In the past she was a bit controlling/selfish/inconsiderate, as in she would kind of demand to do certain activities without asking me if I were interested in participating, and I'd let her do her own thing because frankly, I was a little afraid of her temper (not an issue now). At the moment we both have our lives and don't spend a lot of time together, but we do communicate with each other pretty often, usually via the internet. She has actually developed her F side pretty well, as she has become better at expressing her emotions in a more healthy manner. I think that our I's and J's is what makes us understand each other.


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## femalegamer

Female INTJ here with a male INFJ friend, and as friends we get along pretty well - we both geek out on researching things and have all kinds of obscure knowledge hidden in our heads. The trivia overfloweth. Of course, it's also not a very emotional friendship - this is not the person I would unburden myself to emotionally (okay, most of the time that would be my husband, unless it's *about* my husband), but I would certainly go to him with intellectual conundrums. (Yes, an INTJ just talked about unburdening herself emotionally. Shut up.)

Of course, that could mean that's he's not actually an INFJ - I'm not sure how much cross-checking he's done. Which could negate everything I just said. Doh.


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## Anahata

Well I can say that as a balanced feeler I like the T's very much. I find a man whose brain works with his intuition like a well-oiled-machine a big thrill to discuss anything with... There aren't many who can cross swords with me intellectually and actually give me a run for my money. There's an edgy quality to that exchange that never fails to give me the shivers. It's also a necessity because a T is automatically going to percive my feeler tendencies, but they're usually incredibly impressed/relieved when they discover that I have a brain, love to use it, and that I'm not a pawn to my feelings.
Then, too, nothing turns on the "happy, happy, joy, joy" moment like discovering a T who feels safe enough with you to embrace Fi with his soul.
I've gotta say: I love this match because when that connection happens it's not just sparks, it's actual flame.


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## courtleigh

*Personal Experience*

I am an INFJ and my boyfriend is an INTJ. We have been together for three years now, but we were best friends for a long time before we began dating so we knew that we could see eye to eye. I admit that at times we have a problem with communication. I do, indeed, crave an emotional connection while he is more at peace with things and not understanding why I am upset. We have learned to balance this by having talks pretty frequently about how things are going. (This is more for my benefit, lol!) 
He is one of the few people I have found that I feel like "get" me and he says the same thing. We think intelligence is important and have matching values, so things are great in that department.
It is interesting to hear everyone else's experiences. :happy:


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## lirulin

In the past I could barely stand INFJs. Fe drives me bonkers and Ti kind of annoys me too...it takes a certain amount of investment, and reason for investment, I think. Certainly I love Ni-Ni conversations & I know no INTJs IRL for that. But generally the insistence on reading me rather than listening to me created a serious rift, as well as their assumptions about 'coldness' or 'arrogance'. It is getting better. It helps, nowadays, that the vast majority of people I've known over the years are feelers, so I have learnt some adaptations. One, an INFP friend, played a role, I think in translating me a bit when I met my INFJ bf. We two both tease each other mercilessly and can be negative and sarcastic and all manner of hilarious things, and I think the fact that he saw her, as a blatant INFP, involved in and enjoying the banter, helped him to put it in the right context. Certainly he has still misinterpreted some of my teasing later- like the weekend he&I spent with my ISTJ friend and we had an hilarious time with our sarcasm...no INFP translating there and he took some of it extremely personally. At the time he blamed his anxiety for acting up so I accepted that and tried to explain and reassure and, although I apologised, didn't make that the centre. Apparently that was not what he wanted. I apologised several more times and explained, as he kept bringing it up. Weeks later, still not over it, he brought it up yet again, this time with more accusations - but since he eventually drove me to tears with the accusatory speculations, he accepted my apology_ that_ time. However, when we discussed this, he _did _agree that it was unfair not to treat my explanations as credible unless I showed emotion, given who I am, and promised to try to talk more about the actions itself next time, instead of projecting unjust interpretations of my motives. Most of the other INFJs I had met before would not have accepted any blame in that interaction - not publicly, anyway. Also, I am trying to go out of my way to accept blame before he can mention it or get resentful that I focussed more on explaining and working through the understanding. Hopefully, I won't have to try so hard in future as we come to understand each other more.

I do get along better with self-doubting INFJs, self-doubting NFs in general. That way I have some hope in hell of being understood - the confident ones just misread me and don't feel a need to correct it, so they remain wrong. And once the major hurdles are surmounted, the self-doubting NFs can gain a lot of confidence in our relationship by knowing that there is nothing to worry about, that I genuinely would tell them if there were, so if not they are good. They don't have to wonder or suspect and it is, apparently, very freeing. The bf is not yet there and still worries, but when he consistently finds out that I am not so worried or resentful as he fears, for we do talk of these things, he may get there. Lots of communication helps.

I find that, too a large degree, I tend to be the more supportive one in the relationship - for he appreciates it more than I. Certainly he will try to reassure me about things, but my response of confusion as to how this is relevant doesn't make it as common as me supporting him, for it means a lot more in that context. He is also capable of recognising the role rational analysis plays in support, as he has a lot of self-defeating thoughts he wants to deal with and genuinely benefits and appreciates it when I point them out, instead of feeling judged.

There is a certain tension as I express my ideas with more confidance than he, and he can feel this as pressure - when I am really totally open to hearing his opinions. I find I cannot expect him to just express himself freely, I have to keep asking, keep tugging, keep reassuring him he can when I myself take it for granted. I am not sure he knows I do this or how hard I work at it. But I do know he puts a lot of thought into how he interacts with me - which as much as it can be insane and useless overanalysis sometimes, I still appreciate the motive - and he hasn't pushed this task on me, so much as I recognised his need for it. So it doesn't feel as pressuring as with others who, lacking confidence themselves, blame me for having it. 

Sometimes it's a lot of work to stop him doing all my chores though.

fwiw


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## socalmtb858

I'm an INTJ married to an INFJ for 15 years. We have had problems, but we are both committed and loyal. According to what I've read by Kiersey, sharing the communication trait is most important in a relationship. The INTJ and INFJ share the abstract communication trait, which is good. And they compliment one in the use of tools (utilitarian/cooperative). 

However, the INFJ's "people" oriented thinking can be annoying to the INTJ's fact based point of view (and vice versa). In our relationship, my wife tells me I don't consider other people's feelings before speaking. Which is true, and something I've worked on and tried to be a little more kind and tactful. On the otherhand, her enthusiasm can be annoying to me in that I am naturally skeptical, sometimes cynical, of all things and the enthusiasm seems to me to be "silly." 

To answer your question directly, it has worked for us, but with a lot of hard work. She has, on more than one occasion remarked that marriage "shouldn't be this difficult." Though, in the spirit of complete disclosure I must admit that I suffer from depression, which complicates the matter. I think, had it not been for depression, our relationship could work beautifully. So, I think an INTJ and INFJ work well together. Good luck!:happy:


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## antiant

INFJ (Ni + Fe) versus INTJ (Ni + Te) this combination is like oil and water, at least in my experience. My Fe is practically unused and that seems to clash with an INFJ who uses Fe in the auxiliary form.

Fe = Fe seeks social connections and *creates harmonious interactions through polite, considerate, and appropriate behavior.* Fe responds to the explicit (and implicit) wants of others, and *may even create an internal conflict between the subject’s own needs and the desire to meet the needs of others.*

Fi = Fi filters information based on interpretations of worth, forming judgments according to criteria that are often intangible. Fi constantly balances an internal set of values such as harmony and authenticity. Attuned to subtle distinctions, Fi innately senses what is true and what is false in a situation.

I don't do the social niceties that Fe operates in, so I cannot really relate to this function at all. The parts that I highlighted within Fe would make me shit bricks. I don't do polite for polite sake, I do it according to what my Fi has to say, according to my own internal belief system. This to me is the major difference between INTJ and INFJ, so if an INFJ were to tell me to do something because it's the polite thing to do, I'm going to clash with that INFJ and say, "fuck you" because it doesn't align with my internal feelings/beliefs. 

This combination looks good at first and seems like both would have similar things in common, but really, with the combination of the cognitive functions, it does not match for me. I do realize that any combination can work, if people are mature, blah blah blah (insert social nicety that everything can work), but it really isn't about maturity, so much as how each person's cognitive functions are matched and at what levels they are. Some people's cognitive functions are going to be more developed than others, some people may chose not to develop a certain cognitive function because they like who they are, it could be a number of reasons, but ultimately that is what it seems to boil down to. 

I clashed with a particular INFJ and didn't really understand why there was this huge "war" between us, until I started reading a little bit on the cognitive functions and basically found out that my Fe is practically unused. I also do not want to "develop" it because I like who I am. For me, I will be all up in your face with a knife to your jugular if Fe is being forced upon me, because that is something that I do not do, I don't do things because "everyone says to," I do it because "I" believe it to be true and or real.

Let me give an example specifically of Fe and Fi clashing with the INFJ I encountered: This particular individual showed me a picture of themselves, first of all they had low self-esteem to begin with. As they showed me the picture, I didn't comment at all. This INFJ practically got mad at me and started yelling at me because I didn't give the "polite" response to them, that most people would. Many people may look at this and call it an "asshole move," however INTJ's usually get this stereotypical label of being a "bitch" or "asshole," but really it is the clash between Fe versus Fi, social (outer) norms versus internal (inner) norms. From my perspective and my own personal belief system, it breaks down to, someone is going to find you beautiful in life and someone is going to find you ugly, that is my Fi and I am being honest about the situation, therefore to me and many other INTJ's they don't see it as an "asshole/bitch move," but everyone else is going to see it in terms of Fe for the most part because it's an external/social and expected response.

At any rate, I think when it comes to INTJ and INFJ, one should take a very long look at where each others cognitive functions are at, otherwise you will hit a wall called the NT/NF Death Spiral and let me tell you, that wall is not pretty at all.

I hope this post came out clear enough to be understood.


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## Filo

I speak from experience, not theory here. Not sure if that's a good thing. 

The big plus about the INFJ/INTJ relationships is the fact both have Ni. This allows for an unltra-high bandwidth connection between the two. In both of the relationships with INFJs I've had, there was perfect understanding of the other. I've also noticed that both INFJs and INTJs are very open to their partner, this helps. Both of my INFJ partners know as much about me as I do myself, plus probably some stuff they've figured out on their own that I don't even known.

The difference is in the Te/Fe part. INTJS work with thoughts and INFJs with feelings. This will mean that an INTJ needs to become sensitive to that and vice-versa. The danger is that the INTJ gets swamped and grows cold, or that the INFJ is left in the cold. In either case, the relationship is in trouble.

On the other hand, if it does work, the INTJ gains the warm fuzzy loving INFJ surrounding, and the INFJ gains the rock-hard stability of the INTJ. This can be very beneficial for both.

IMO, if both types are mature (the INTJ is not a borderline aspie, and the INFJ has occasional contact with the Real World), this is a very promising pairing.


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## Dalien

Anahata said:


> Well I can say that as a balanced feeler I like the T's very much. I find a man whose brain works with his intuition like a well-oiled-machine a big thrill to discuss anything with... There aren't many who can cross swords with me intellectually and actually give me a run for my money. There's an edgy quality to that exchange that never fails to give me the shivers. It's also a necessity because a T is automatically going to percive my feeler tendencies, but they're usually incredibly impressed/relieved when they discover that I have a brain, love to use it, and that I'm not a pawn to my feelings.
> Then, too, nothing turns on the "happy, happy, joy, joy" moment like discovering a T who feels safe enough with you to embrace Fi with his soul.
> I've gotta say: I love this match because when that connection happens it's not just sparks, it's actual flame.


I could only dream! Damn, where is that man!


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## Anahata

Filo said:


> I speak from experience, not theory here. Not sure if that's a good thing.
> 
> The big plus about the INFJ/INTJ relationships is the fact both have Ni. This allows for an unltra-high bandwidth connection between the two. In both of the relationships with INFJs I've had, there was perfect understanding of the other. I've also noticed that both INFJs and INTJs are very open to their partner, this helps. Both of my INFJ partners know as much about me as I do myself, plus probably some stuff they've figured out on their own that I don't even known.
> 
> The difference is in the Te/Fe part. INTJS work with thoughts and INFJs with feelings. This will mean that an INTJ needs to become sensitive to that and vice-versa. The danger is that the INTJ gets swamped and grows cold, or that the INFJ is left in the cold. In either case, the relationship is in trouble.
> 
> On the other hand, if it does work, the INTJ gains the warm fuzzy loving INFJ surrounding, and the INFJ gains the rock-hard stability of the INTJ. This can be very beneficial for both.
> 
> IMO, if both types are mature (the INTJ is not a borderline aspie, and the INFJ has occasional contact with the Real World), this is a very promising pairing.


Right there, Dalien, right there! :laughing:


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