# Cutting Family Ties



## o0india0o (Mar 17, 2015)

I have posted on this subject before, but I am running into new issues.

I set up boundaries with my parents (no hitting, no cussing me out, basic human decency), and they have been unwilling to agree to treat me in this manner. So, I let them know what I needed, and that I would not be in contact with them until they were ready to treat me in a more appropriate manner.

It has almost been a year of no contact, with no signs of my parents having an interest in a relationship.
I wanted to try to keep family ties that were willing, but it is proving more difficult than I had hoped.

I know when some people go "no contact" with family, they do a clean break from everyone. I am trying to stay in contact with those who still seem interested in a relationship, but other family members are starting to lash out at me. It is hard going through the process of figuring out who is really there for me, and who isn't (and each time I have to make an adjustment, this seems to disrupt the people I was already still in-contact with).

So, my question is: Is it worth it? Should I stop fussing around, trying to piece parts of my family together? Or do things eventually settle down? 

Are there others out there who were able to successfully stay in contact with only _pieces_ of their family? I would *love* any personal experiences!

Please & Thank You! 

*UPDATE*: I just wanted to clarify, because I'm getting a lot of responses about advice on how to handle my parents. To be clear: I am at peace with my decision to go "no contact" with my parents, and I am not in need of any advice in that department. I *solely* am interested in experiences people have had with staying in contact with some relatives, while being "no contact" with others. Thanks again to everyone who has responded thus far*!*


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## saxol (Aug 20, 2015)

I'm not of any help but I'm very sorry you are having to experience this.


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## o0india0o (Mar 17, 2015)

saxol said:


> I'm not of any help but I'm very sorry you are having to experience this.


Thanks Saxol*!*

Even if you don't have any experience to add, I appreciate the empathy.
It is a trying and difficult thing to deal with, but as an Enneagram Type 7 - - I _do_ try to stay positive.
I know there are people who have to deal with much worse;; while I wish I had more family support, I am learning that family can be created by those who are close and care about you. It can be hard at times, but I'm *determined* to not let it hold me back.

Thank you for your comment*!*


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## strawberryLola (Sep 19, 2010)

o0india0o said:


> I have posted on this subject before, but I am running into new issues.
> 
> I set up boundaries with my parents (no hitting, no cussing me out, basic human decency), and they have been unwilling to agree to treat me in this manner. So, I let them know what I needed, and that I would not be in contact with them until they were ready to treat me in a more appropriate manner.
> 
> ...


I struggled a lot with my mother over the years. She did not want children and had me, and her struggles of coming to America are a result of why she had me. Very unplanned and in the moment, refugee escape kind of scenario. Lots of hardships.

Although we had a very very turbulent relationship (including child abuse), I was able to look my mom in the eyes and say: Mom, I know you are hurt so you hurt me. Mom I know you endured abuse and suffering in your life, too, so I will be the one to break the cycle.

Some people are stuck in their own ways. They grew up in the old school. They know the old school inside out. That is their reality.

You are a part of the generation of the new school, where kids were not as oppressed as they were as compared to previous generations before (even amongst those who had to work child labor).

Not to make excuses, but in order to end the cycle, there needs to be a sense of completion, a sense of breaking the cycle and closing the circle, and forgiveness. I love my mom to death, and she still drives me nuts, but at the end of it all.. life is too short to hold on animosity or resentment. Your family could be gone tomorrow, and if they were, what things would you want to tell them? What things would you want to know? What things would you want them to know?

Sometimes being the bigger person is not easy but at least you have a peace of mind in knowing you did your best, and you saw the whole picture for what it was: a cycle of oppression and violence that was systematically imposed on parents who did not always know any better. They are human too.. sorry for your pain though. Life is not easy. People are not always perfect, but at least we try..


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## o0india0o (Mar 17, 2015)

strawberryLola said:


> I struggled a lot with my mother over the years. She did not want children and had me, and her struggles of coming to America are a result of why she had me. Very unplanned and in the moment, refugee escape kind of scenario. Lots of hardships.
> 
> Although we had a very very turbulent relationship (including child abuse), I was able to look my mom in the eyes and say: Mom, I know you are hurt so you hurt me. Mom I know you endured abuse and suffering in your life, too, so I will be the one to break the cycle.
> 
> ...


Hi StrawberryLola!

I am glad you have found something that works for you, in dealing with your sometimes turbulent family.

Let me be clear, nothing about me is consumed with anger, regret, or resentment.

I have forgiven my parents.

Something many people don't recognize, is that forgiveness does not necessarily mean I continue to let someone hurt me. You can be respectful and love someone, and still not let them physically or emotionally abuse you.
I cannot force them to discontinue their behavior or seek help, and I have let them know how much I love them, and that the door is always open when/if they are ever ready.
& I am _definitely_ not the type to leave something unsaid; if they died tomorrow, I'll have known that I fully expressed all the love, respect, and consideration I could. I am at peace with my decision, and feel confident about the mature and respectful way I carried myself.

I do not hate anyone. I love them. But love does not mean I continue to enable their abusive behavior.
That may not work for everyone and their situation, but it is what is best for me in mine.

So let me be clear, I feel no anxiety, or confusion about my decision to set a clear boundary with my parents (I'm not looking for advice about that part).
My question really pertains to individuals who have had to cut off contact with part of their family, or who have chosen to stay in-contact with some family members and not others. I am interested in if that ever works out, or if it's better to make a clean break with all relatives.

Thank you for your input, and if you have any experience with what I'm discussing, I'd love to hear about those particular points. Otherwise, Good Luck in your journey!


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## strawberryLola (Sep 19, 2010)

o0india0o said:


> Hi StrawberryLola!
> 
> I am glad you have found something that works for you, in dealing with your sometimes turbulent family.
> 
> ...


Yes. I have dealt with severing ties, completely cutting the chord, only to run into the same people again. 

Running away does not work. What worked for me is to accept my family members who are negative, who are set in their own ways, but at the same time, establish my own personal boundaries by not taking offense, but to lovingly accept them without judgment and let them be.

Sometimes certain situations are completely out of your control. I know people who completely severed ties with all of their family members, and seeing how unhappy they are, they find other ways to escape, so they will eat their problems away, engage in harmful activities such as drinking and alcholism (even though they deny it). They hang out in bars with the wrong people who are just as clueless, and in the end, they only harm themselves. 

Because whereever they ran to, they found themselves back to confront the person staring right back at them in the mirror. It is one thing to change yourself and to try to avoid negative energy as much as possible, but you can also influence others to change by opening yourself kindly and stepping away when needed. There are ways to conflict management, because lets face it, conflict will not ever go away so long as we are all each our own individuals. Even though we are our own people, does not mean we cannot get along. It is how we handle ourselves without ego, and go with the flow and not take things so personally at times, i know it is hard not to do. 

In the end, people are people. We cannot change people. We can change the way we respond by letting go of past hurt and pain, and wishing people luck. That is all you can do, really. Because your past can haunt you, and it can slap you in the face in a way that you are forced to deal with confrontations in a healthy and mature manner as you have. People can really test our patience sometimes, believe me. They can really grate on you, only if inside, you do not feel grounded or balanced within yourself is what I learned. A little bit of self-love is what i learned.

And if people judge you, so what. So what? They only judge you because they need to find someone to put down to feel better about themselves. Let them go on and judge, and you do _you.:crazy: Create the reality you want, regardless how they feel or how you should feel._


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## o0india0o (Mar 17, 2015)

@strawberryLola

Thank you for discussing your experiences!


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## Copper North (Mar 18, 2015)

I've gone through a distancing of my family through the course of time, that includes going by three of the basics that I believe in :


1. No one should feel obligated to love someone unconditionally because they are all in the same photo album.

2. Everyone deserves to be loved without having to ask for special conditions to make it happen.

3. If any relationship weighs more heavily on bad points than the good points, they aren't worth the continuing effort.


In my case, the great members of my family have all died, and the ones that are left, I either do not know, or they give me a headache just thinking about keeping in touch with them.
The last family member I talked to was just about 8 years ago, so I'm doubting that will change any time soon.

I don't regret being in this situation, and I rarely give it much thought, so the answers for me are easy.
I came from a small family that easily let months pass before visiting each other, so there already was some distance very early on.


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## o0india0o (Mar 17, 2015)

Copper North said:


> I've gone through a distancing of my family through the course of time, that includes going by three of the basics that I believe in :
> 
> 
> 1. No one should feel obligated to love someone unconditionally because they are all in the same photo album.
> ...


First off, Thank You Copper North, for taking the time to respond to my post*!* I really appreciate that. 

I *love* the basic rules you believe in*!* They're so simple, yet poignant. Rule #1 is pretty poetic, I've never heard it phrased that way, and enjoyed that.
I can say I _completely_ agree with your basic beliefs, and I think they're a good set of principles to live by*!*

I don't regret my choices of handling my situation either; though, as an Enneagram head-type, I tend to give things a _considerable_ amount of thought.
This makes me very thoughtful … and also slightly neurotic. XD

But my husband is a Type 9 such as yourself, and he handles his business in quite a similar fashion. 

I came from a small family myself as well (actually grew up in the state your profile claims you live in!); but my father stressed the importance of family. I really do believe in that, and really wear my heart on my sleeve, so have invested a lot into my relationships (even if they were dysfunctional family ties). I guess I'm trying to dust off and salvage what fruit on the dirt floor I can. But, at times, I'm wondering if it is not worth the hassle. I guess time will tell.

Thank you again for your comments!


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## AriesLilith (Jan 6, 2013)

Hitting sounds a bit too extreme and I'm not sure I'd be able to interact with my parents if they get physically abusive. Being an independent adult, I am free to choose what I tolerate and not tolerate, unlike being a dependent where I wouldn't have anywhere to go to.

My parents were not ideal parents and my mom was emotionally abusive/negligent to me back then. When I was younger I also got physically punished too, as they were old school since their parents were also old school, believing that it was normal to punish kids that way if they misbehave.
My parents were not mature and were emotionally explosive, and my mom was also unhappy with life, so that contributed to how she was.

But our relationship got better as she learned how to let go of certain things and she have read a lot on the internet that made her realize what she did and rregretted it. So that plus me understanding that she had issues back then (never really blamed myself) made me able to forgive.

Thought even if our relationship is good, there can be still some minor frictions and generation gaps but I overlook them as they are not too much. I guess that I can never expect too much from my parents, but knowing that they still care for me is enough.
Lately something happened and I was disappointed with them, but in the end seeing how they cared (even if they were so bad at handling the situation) made me put it aside.


You seem mature with your situation despite all the pressure from others, and you also are willing to overlook things as long as they don't cross the line (not doorslaming and cut ties or get angry).
It's hard to change certain mentalities that took a lifetime to be molded into how they are, so at times expecting the parents or older generations to get our point can be very hard. We might need to find alternate ways to flexibly deal with upcoming situations, although it's also important to keep some boundaries to protect ourselves. Perhaps you can first try lower the number of interactions with them and whenever they start to cross the boundary, you try to walk away? If they are still too much to handle, then maybe keep doing what you do which is keep your door open for their respect is better.


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## StElmosDream (May 26, 2012)

Previously I tried half measures (when I finally moved away as a first generation University student) but found that seeing purely self interested parents maybe four times a year and not talking with them for 3-6 months did little except make them more 'me, myself and I...and you' ego preservation focused, distancing more over time to not contain their negativity and personality faults for their them. Making contact once again after many 'we miss you, we are sorry' manipulative communication pressures, still finding that I had become an out-grouped stranger because I had exceeded them, suddenly 'changing too much as a person' (interpreted as individuation, maturity and not stereotype conforming).
So far (after an abusive period of having to return to their home; severe financial difficulties etc.) I have had no contact whatsoever with parents, relatives or 'family friends' in over a year having to change my mobile (cell) number and block email addresses to get away from the guilt tripping, entitledness of expected contact and the ensuing emotional manipulation from relatives that had their own 'we can behave and treat you atrociously as elders but still expect family loyalty' mentalities that saw my mother painted as a victim of circumstances and me as the scapegoat to vilify or emotionally invalidate as 'an outsider judging them'.
Realising very quickly by 18 (now 28) that I was very different to previous generations, actually seeing 8 therapists from University onwards(only three were specialised enough in trauma and self aware enough to be unbiased about parenting issues), not wishing to remain the forth generation to repeat maladaptive ways or window-box world views when two of my sisters had developed addictions, abandonment issues and had children without having anything to offer emotionally (three newborns taken adopted or with fathers).

(I don't to sound bitter or angry, it has just been a while since I have shared the tale)


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## Blissfulwish (Jul 7, 2009)

It's up to you whether or not if you think you deserve that kind of treatment. If they wont be compliant of your boundaries then you need to ask yourself if you want to continue to be subjected to that kind of treatment or not.

I myself have a strained relationship with my father. He is good when he is not drinking but when he does drink he isn't the best to get along with. Any comments about his drinking or about the past when he drank are met with conflict so I know better to bring it up or just try to end the conversation quickly. Why do I continue to talk to him? Because I have his first and only grandchild, I don't want to take that away from him. Of course that was my decision and you need to think of your own.


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