# What's the Problem? (Romance Style)



## SheWolf (Apr 17, 2015)

Okay, so I've been wanting to discuss romance styles as it is something that it is pretty interesting to me at the moment. So, I'm going to list my almost-relationships to see how the differing romance styles play a part in it. What styles do you think these three fall into? 
Note: I'm ESE (I think), Enneagrams 4w3>6w7>8w9 sx/sp
*
Relationship 1

*This was my first, and closest, relationship I had. I was quite young, so bear with me on this one. We were quite attracted to each other. However, beyond flirting, we didn't have much in common. The biggest irritation I found with him was how we wanted to spend time with one another. Me, I wanted to go out. I would ask him if he wanted to go to the movies, to the mall, invited him on trips, etc. When my friends and I were going somewhere, I would invite him but he always made some excuse. This kinda hurt me, as it made me feel like he did not want to be a part of my life. He would want me to come over so he could make dinner or something for me. It was sweet, but, I found this to be a bit boring. It's not that I don't enjoy such intimacy at times, but it just wasn't something I would want to do for every date. He often frustrated me. We also conflicted a lot on our interests. Almost everything that I enjoyed, he hated, and he patronized me for it. We were both pretty stubborn, too, never reaching compromise. He ended up being more interested in his ex than me, so he literally ignored me for an entire week before explaining himself. After that, I was done with him. I felt betrayed, as I poured a lot of devotion into him and received little assurance. I asked him if he wanted to date officially (I quickly grew tired of being neutrally flirty), as he very clearly showed strong attraction to me, but he completely tried to change the subject. He once admitted to me that I was intimidating to him and he wasn't sure how to handle my dynamic behavior or my strong interest in him. We wanted very different things from life as well. He wanted a quiet little family life whereas I wanted something more intense as that was quite boring to me. 
*
Relationship 2

*This one was a lot less rocky. Him and I had a very playful flirting style. We would literally play fight all the time. It sometimes got pretty physically aggressive, too. He would do things to try and get a rise out of me, usually through pranks or challenges in some way. His mother and my sister would often joke that one day we were going to kill each other with the way we got so aggressive with one another. There was never any hard feelings with these gestures. However, sometimes he would really irritate me and I would react strongly and it would surprise him, but he never took offense to my behavior. But, I certainly was never bored around him and we always actually did things together. We were very possessive and jealous of one another, and I won't lie, I genuinely enjoy when there is some level of possessiveness and jealousy in a relationship. Not to the point where it is unhealthy, of course, but a little bit certainly keeps things interesting and makes me feel like he genuinely cares. We never dated, mostly because we were young and we just sort of started going our separate ways.

*Relationship 3

*Finally, this one was quite one-sided. He was interested in me, but I was not in him as much. He was very flirty, but in a goofy sort of way. He made jokes all the time and tried to be silly around me. I always felt like he couldn't take anything seriously, especially me. Sometimes he would downright embarrass me and would be hurt when I scolded him. He tried to cater to me a lot (in a very "old-fashioned" sort of way), which once again, I thought it was sweet but offered nothing interesting. It's like he treated me like I was a delicate flower or princess that needed to be pampered. Honestly, there's a level of hostility between him and I now. He thinks can be a bit harsh, cold, judgmental, and doesn't agree with some of the things that I want for my future. We don't speak hardly at all anymore.

So, what do you think their romance styles are? Thanks for reading and discussing.


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## Lord Fenix Wulfheart (Aug 18, 2015)

When did you become ESE? 
Although I could see it. *nods sagely*

My overall impressions:
1 sounds like a Caregiver. He seemed to want light and fun, not serious. He wanted to cook for you, to show his affection gently and with mature responsibility. Si in the Ego.
2 sounds like an Aggressor. He seemed to want aggression and to struggle, and to eventually win. Sounds like Se in the Ego. Or if he would yield after testing you, then that be Victim with Ni in the Ego. Depends on where the play fights went and what he wanted out of them.
3 sounds like he was Infantile. He seemed to want to be the one to be fun, and in exchange be cared for. He wanted gentle, and he wanted gentle back. Ne in the Ego.

If you are ESE, you have Si in the Ego, which means you would be attracted to Ne Egos. The Infantile setup would have been attractive to you, according to the theory.


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## SheWolf (Apr 17, 2015)

Fenix Wulfheart said:


> Although I could see it. *nods sagely*


How does one "nod sagely"? XD



Fenix Wulfheart said:


> 1 sounds like a Caregiver. He seemed to want light and fun, not serious. He wanted to cook for you, to show his affection gently and with mature responsibility. Si in the Ego.




Like I said, he was someone of traditional values. He always talked about how his dream life would be to have a wife and kids, to be a father and care for them. I think that's sweet and we need more men like that in today's world but... that's just not my style. I talked to him a few months ago and he said that he was very happy, now that he's married and has a little daughter to nurture. Then there's me, still single, and laser-focused on my education and other pursuits. He couldn't understand that.




Fenix Wulfheart said:


> 2 sounds like an Aggressor. He seemed to want aggression and to struggle, and to eventually win. Sounds like Se in the Ego. Or if he would yield after testing you, then that be Victim with Ni in the Ego. Depends on where the play fights went and what he wanted out of them.




It was a bit of both actually. But... he sure loved it when I beat the [email protected]#$ out of him.



Fenix Wulfheart said:


> 3 sounds like he was Infantile. He seemed to want to be the one to be fun, and in exchange be cared for. He wanted gentle, and he wanted gentle back. Ne in the Ego.
> 
> 
> If you are ESE, you have Si in the Ego, which means you would be attracted to Ne Egos. The Infantile setup would have been attractive to you, according to the theory.


I definitely see that Ne goofiness in him. He was always so... random. I had him take a crap test online once just for fun and he got ENFP. He often told me I was "hard to talk to" and that I seem like I look down on him. In my opinion, I do view him as a bit childish in quite a few ways. I could see him definitely being into a Si ego. He had some Caregiver in him, however, as he said he thought I should be treated like a princess. I told him that I didn't want anyone doing that, that I prefer to take care of myself. I remember he got kind of pissed at me for being a bit too rough. I played with him once by taking his hat and glasses. He kind of played a bit at first, but then it genuinely got irritating for the both of us.


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## Jeremy8419 (Mar 2, 2015)

Shield, I'ma just throw it out there that healthy relationships have the individual doing all 4 styles equally. They won't necessarily be all equally in all situations though. For instance, the aggressor is often the victim inside the bedroom and vice versa, or they could be the same but different in other aspects of their shared lives. If you're one role all the time, you may want to look into trying to balance this out in other aspects of your life. I forget if it was you, as I get some people confused when they switch up their avatars, but take for instance whoever's foot thing. Maybe it is a blessing in disguise, to give one the opportunity to learn how to take the backseat sometimes.


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## SheWolf (Apr 17, 2015)

Jeremy8419 said:


> Shield, I'ma just throw it out there that healthy relationships have the individual doing all 4 styles equally. They won't necessarily be all equally in all situations though. For instance, the aggressor is often the victim inside the bedroom and vice versa, or they could be the same but different in other aspects of their shared lives. If you're one role all the time, you may want to look into trying to balance this out in other aspects of your life. I forget if it was you, as I get some people confused when they switch up their avatars, but take for instance whoever's foot thing. Maybe it is a blessing in disguise, to give one the opportunity to learn how to take the backseat sometimes.


Oh yes, I'm well aware that there is no one who's exactly an Aggressor or something, but there may be a preference overall.

And yes the ankle surgery was my thing. It's killing me, but I know I can wait it out.._.


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## Jeremy8419 (Mar 2, 2015)

ShieldMaiden said:


> Oh yes, I'm well aware that there is no one who's exactly an Aggressor or something, but there may be a preference overall.
> 
> And yes the ankle surgery was my thing. It's killing me, but I know I can wait it out.._.


A preference doesn't equal a successful relationship. If the overall isn't balanced, then there is an imbalance which will eventually topple the relationship. Want to be the aggressor socially? Then be the victim privately. Want to be the caretaker at home? Then be the infantile with friends/family.


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## SheWolf (Apr 17, 2015)

Jeremy8419 said:


> A preference doesn't equal a successful relationship. If the overall isn't balanced, then there is an imbalance which will eventually topple the relationship. Want to be the aggressor socially? Then be the victim privately. Want to be the caretaker at home? Then be the infantile with friends/family.


Mmmm... I can't change my behavior or what comes naturally to me like that though. I am still me.

But I see your point I guess.


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## Lord Fenix Wulfheart (Aug 18, 2015)

https://www.englishforums.com/English/NodSagely/bbnckg/post.htm
Nodding sagely is a specific way to nod. See above.

Hah! @Jeremy8419, you said "...the person that had the foot thing", and my mind went somewhere ENTIRELY different than what you were talking about. XD

For what it is worth, I agree with Jeremy that behavior should be balanced, and I further think that most people will balance themselves naturally without thinking about it. Like, I go Infantile when I am around kids, but with adults I am more Victim...and when the person I am with is feeling sad, I go Aggressor (not Caregiver) and SHOW them how special they are to me. I do Caregiver to my room mates and family. When you look at this as overall relationship rather than romance only, you can see how the balance happens in your life...and then you can see how your ROMANCE is more specifically once you look at the wider context and how it is connected.


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## SheWolf (Apr 17, 2015)

Fenix Wulfheart said:


> https://www.englishforums.com/English/NodSagely/bbnckg/post.htm
> Nodding sagely is a specific way to nod. See above.
> 
> Hah! @_Jeremy8419_, you said "...the person that had the foot thing", and my mind went somewhere ENTIRELY different than what you were talking about. XD
> ...


I certainly get it, though it seems that romance style is kind of based over what we want our partner to be like. 

Everyone, to some degree, is going to behave differently given the context of whatever situation we are in. I'm not the same person at home that I am at work or even in class sometimes.


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## Kintsugi (May 17, 2011)

@_ShieldMaiden_

I'd agree with @_Fenix Wulfheart_ that (superficially) it sounds like 1) caregiver, 2) aggressor, and 3) infantile. 

However, having said that, I also agree with @_Jeremy8419_, in that people can and do adopt different styles (for various reasons). An example of this might be how I tried to act in more "infantile" way when I was younger, because I assumed that was what guys wanted. It wasn't until I matured and experienced a healthy relationship that I was able to accept and express myself more "naturally".

Also, bear in mind that sexuality can complicate this stuff even further. I'm not sure an infantile type who is into BDSM would relate to the descriptions, or even an aggressive type who identifies as an asexual. 

I personally would not advise trying to type yourself or others via romance styles. I think it's best to first of all get your head around the basics (i.e. Model A, information elements, and inter-type relations), and build up from there.

Keep it simple is my motto.


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## Jeremy8419 (Mar 2, 2015)

ShieldMaiden said:


> Mmmm... I can't change my behavior or what comes naturally to me like that though. I am still me.
> 
> But I see your point I guess.


Life and love aren't quite so simple. Love doesn't exist due to similarities, but exists rather despite differences. You may still be you, but others are still they as well.

I don't like dancing. It makes me feel like a self-conscious jackass. I'll dance for someone I love though, because I am too focused on them being happy to really pay attention to the fact that I look like a jackass.

Guys are still guys, and at some point, you have to be willing to accept your own self-conscious ways enough to let the guy feel like a guy.


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## SheWolf (Apr 17, 2015)

The Perfect Storm said:


> @_ShieldMaiden_
> 
> I'd agree with @_Fenix Wulfheart_ that (superficially) it sounds like 1) caregiver, 2) aggressor, and 3) infantile.
> 
> ...


Oh, I wasn't trying to. I just wanted to see mostly if this is how the different ones looked like and why exactly I wasn't getting along with two of three like, at all. XD I will likely be taking romance styles with a grain of salt, honestly. I just kinda thought they were interesting and wanted to understand them a bit more. I learn best by example.


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