# Rekindling friendship



## Adam Bristol (Jan 7, 2013)

I'm after some advice. One year ago, my best ISTJ friend and I had a bad, antagonistic debate online, resulting in some seriously hurtful words subtly said by both of us. It's been more then 12 months since we've talked. I culled him from all social media. I suffered strong resentment, but I'm over the whole argument now. I just want to be friends again; he was the best friend I've had, and he is still the most interesting person I've ever met, a friend who has taught me more about principles and integrity than any other. I miss him. How should I go about rekindling the friendship? What method would be viable?


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## General Lee Awesome (Sep 28, 2014)

Adam Bristol said:


> I'm after some advice. One year ago, my best ISTJ friend and I had a bad, antagonistic debate online, resulting in some seriously hurtful words subtly said by both of us. It's been more then 12 months since we've talked. I culled him from all social media. I suffered strong resentment, but I'm over the whole argument now. I just want to be friends again; he was the best friend I've had, and he is still the most interesting person I've ever met, a friend who has taught me more about principles and integrity than any other. I miss him. How should I go about rekindling the friendship? What method would be viable?


Hi, sorry about what I said to you 12 month ago, it was debate, and I apologize for letting go out of hand. I just want to be friends again, because you were the best friend I ever had. you are the most interesting person I ever met, and you taught me more about principles and integrity than anyone else, and I really appreciate it. I really miss our friendship, I hope you accept my apologizes.


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## Epicyclic (Aug 7, 2014)

Adam Bristol said:


> I'm after some advice. One year ago, my best ISTJ friend and I had a bad, antagonistic debate online, resulting in some seriously hurtful words subtly said by both of us. It's been more then 12 months since we've talked. I culled him from all social media. I suffered strong resentment, but I'm over the whole argument now. I just want to be friends again; he was the best friend I've had, and he is still the most interesting person I've ever met, a friend who has taught me more about principles and integrity than any other. I miss him. How should I go about rekindling the friendship? What method would be viable?


Now, I'll just assume that your typing is correct and that said guy is ISTJ or ESTJ. 

*What you should do*

1. Don't think so much. 
2. Talk to your friend directly. Start a conversation - Facebook, in person, email, snail mail, whatever. 
3. Don't think so much. Do not overinterpret your friend's actions. 
4. Directly say like, "hey I know we argued last time, if I pissed you off I'm sorry". 
3. Don't think so much. If the guy says the matter is long resolved, then you can say that it is. 

And guess what? Chances are the guy won't even remember what was argued about. 

*Explanation *

Being passive aggressive with us is the worst way to resolve conflict. Here's why:

We generally want to make peace. If the situation calls for it, we are willing to swallow our pride and apologise to people. If you're angry, I can wait for you to cool down before going to make peace or apologise. However, if you withdraw away, I have no one to go make peace with, depriving any chance of making peace. 

And if I have to wait for so long, after a while I will just conclude that its no longer worthwhile trying to make peace, and I will give up on the person. And the bridge has just been burned. I'm not going to go out of my way to make the person pay, but if the chance comes, I just might. 

Worse still is if you are gossiping about the thing to your friends. This not only deprives the person of a chance to make peace, but adds fuel to the fire. 

*Anyway, it is good that you realise the need to change. The ball is in your court. *

Someone did the passive-aggressive-gossip thing with me, even after I went, apologised and tried to make peace twice. Guess what? After a few weeks, I couldn't remember what the original issue was. But I gave up on the person. Stopped helping the person at all costs.


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## niss (Apr 25, 2010)

Adam Bristol said:


> I'm after some advice. One year ago, my best ISTJ friend and I had a bad, antagonistic debate online, resulting in some seriously hurtful words subtly said by both of us. It's been more then 12 months since we've talked. I culled him from all social media. I suffered strong resentment, but I'm over the whole argument now. I just want to be friends again; he was the best friend I've had, and he is still the most interesting person I've ever met, a friend who has taught me more about principles and integrity than any other. I miss him. How should I go about rekindling the friendship? What method would be viable?


He will likely be able to restore a semblance of a relationship with you again, but it is unlikely that you will ever be trusted at the same level as you once were.

Sorry to be a downer, but we do tend to place a lot of emphasis on past feelings - especially ill feelings - when dealing with others. If it gets to the point of breaking contact, chances are slim that you would ever make it back in to the friendship level again.


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