# How bad is this?



## sometimes (Dec 26, 2013)

I made another thread about the situation with my boyfriend breaking up with me. Nothing has changed and he's still away in another city planning to move there and won't speak to me. He just said that he doesn't believe things will change, he's tired of being hurt and doesn't trust me.

My issue now is more that I can't forgive myself for the way I treated him and making the person I love feel like that and get to the point where he had to leave me. I just feel like a horrible person and can't believe I did those things and acted like that. I need some perspective on what I did please. Not really advice about what to do as I know all that already. 

I tried to control him to go along with my OCD rituals. Constantly criticising him, asking him to do things like washing his hands and mentioning things to do with my contamination OCD. It's like I can't believe that was me. But it was. And I take responsibility. The thing is I have obsessive thoughts so I don't know if I'm seeing clearly or blowing it out of proportion. I need to hear other people's perspectives on my behaviour to then consider them all and help me understand what my own perspective is.

You see at the beginning of our relationship I let him become an element in trauma for me as I put up with his alcoholism and him living in this horrible house share where anyone could move in (it was like a step up from living on the streets). I actually ended up moving in there because I had low self esteem when I met him and deluded myself into thinking whatever he thought was ok was ok when it really wasn't. I just wanted to be with him and to go along with whatever he wanted. So after something happened at this horrible accommodation which bothered both of us but that I was actually traumatised by I then realised it was all wrong and needed to move out. He wanted to move out too but also had low esteem which manifested in a different way. I think he was scared of living in a nice place because he thought the nice normal people would judge him as he had these issues. So he wouldn't bother looking for places to move out and I had to do all the work and kept nagging him and convincing him. He'd also miss some viewings because of his drinking. All this caused me to have the extreme OCD.

So that is why I have still tried to control him related to my OCD. It's not an excuse just a reason. There are no excuses for what I've done in my mind. I just feel so bad about it. He's since changed and not drinking for a year yet I still let my OCD fears about the past effect him by trying to control him which is so horrible and unfair. I don't care about those OCD things really I just wanted to move on and be nice to him and happy.

Also I'm so ashamed but one time I threw a champagne bottle on the floor between us over something stupid OCD thing I was going internally crazy over and he was ignoring me. 

I feel like this horrible abuser and I just need some perspective on how bad it was and the situation because I know in the past my obsessive thoughts cloud my judgement. However I know it's bad so I really don't know. I'm not looking for someone to tell it's ok etc. I'm just looking for the truth of what my perspective really is and how bad it really was whatever that may be. So then I can know how to come to terms with that.

Imagine your friend came to you and said they'd done the things I've done to their partner behaved that way. What would your honest reaction be?

Now imagine someone you care about came to you and told you that their partner had treated them and behaved the way I have to my boyfriend. What would your honest reaction be?

I really need help knowing what everyone's perspective and preferably why so I can help know my own. Thanks.


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## Apple Pine (Nov 27, 2014)

You are blaming yourself for things you've done due to your OCD. Don't stop feeling about it that way, and do your best at controlling that cunt OCD. Talk, discuss with people about it, don't just meet a therapist. It's not enough, if you want to learn how to seriously deal with it. 

It does sound a bit annoying and even crazy. However, everyone annoys everyone sometimes. I took a picture of 2 nuns sitting on the high mountain the other day. I wanted to take a picture of the huge crosses around them. I showed this pic to someone, and she raged, said I am creepy for doing that. lol. It's a bit like throwing a champagne bottle randomly. To her at least.


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## with water (Aug 13, 2014)

Sounds like a good thing to have escaped from, actually.


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## sometimes (Dec 26, 2013)

with water said:


> Sounds like a good thing to have escaped from, actually.


Can I ask why? You mean a good thing for him to have escaped from or? Because he's changed and isn't like how he was at the beginning of our relationship. He hasn't been like that for ages. It's been all me lately but I don't want to be like and am happy when I'm just myself and nice to him.


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## sometimes (Dec 26, 2013)

Apple Pine said:


> You are blaming yourself for things you've done due to your OCD. Don't stop feeling about it that way, and do your best at controlling that cunt OCD. Talk, discuss with people about it, don't just meet a therapist. It's not enough, if you want to learn how to seriously deal with it.
> 
> It does sound a bit annoying and even crazy. However, everyone annoys everyone sometimes. I took a picture of 2 nuns sitting on the high mountain the other day. I wanted to take a picture of the huge crosses around them. I showed this pic to someone, and she raged, said I am creepy for doing that. lol. It's a bit like throwing a champagne bottle randomly. To her at least.


I don't quite understand how that's really comparable. You didn't do anything wrong. You weren't to know she would react like that. Whereas no one would like a champagne bottle from anywhere near them or in front of them in rage. That's scary isn't it? It scared me anyway and I'm the one who threw it... Your friend you showed the photo actually sounds a bit like me when my anxiety is playing up and I take it out on my boyfriend..,Flying off the handle for no reason. Being confrontational and not letting little things go, reading too much into a small difference of opinion etc. Not how I want to behave at all and not nice or normal...


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## with water (Aug 13, 2014)

pippylongstocking said:


> Can I ask why? You mean a good thing for him to have escaped from or? Because he's changed and isn't like how he was at the beginning of our relationship. He hasn't been like that for ages. It's been all me lately but I don't want to be like and am happy when I'm just myself and nice to him.


He obviously hasn't if he isn't willing to be understanding of your needs. Your hunger is leading you to be too self sacrificial. If you have needs, you have needs.


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## Apple Pine (Nov 27, 2014)

pippylongstocking said:


> I don't quite understand how that's really comparable. You didn't do anything wrong. You weren't to know she would react like that. Whereas no one would like a champagne bottle from anywhere near them or in front of them in rage. That's scary isn't it? It scared me anyway and I'm the one who threw it... Your friend you showed the photo actually sounds a bit like me when my anxiety is playing up and I take it out on my boyfriend..,Flying off the handle for no reason. Being confrontational and not letting little things go, reading too much into a small difference of opinion etc. Not how I want to behave at all and not nice or normal...


I didn't do anything wrong, but it seemed wrong to her.

Some people do something impulsive as they get mad even without OCD. See your OCD as Se. You just do something impulsive without thinking sometimes. It usually ends badly, you do something "wrong". Try to learn from your mistakes, instead of trying to evaluate how bad they were. 


On the side note, I read your both posts, I think you're clearly an ISFP. The amount of ISFPs seeing themselves as INTPs is starting to annoy me. lol


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## sometimes (Dec 26, 2013)

Apple Pine said:


> I didn't do anything wrong, but it seemed wrong to her.
> 
> Some people do something impulsive as they get mad even without OCD. See your OCD as Se. You just do something impulsive without thinking sometimes. It usually ends badly, you do something "wrong". Try to learn from your mistakes, instead of trying to evaluate how bad they were.
> 
> ...


I feel like I can't truly learn from my mistakes unless I understand how bad they were etc. Or at least I can't come to terms with them anyway.

Well, I clearly have trouble controlling my emotions and leads to horrible outbursts etc. It's not really any excuse though. Yes, I can be impulsive. Sometimes destructively so. Ties in with the not being good at controlling my emotions. To put it down to mbti functions then I think it's Inferior Fe. I may seem like an ISFP because I'm emotional and can be impulsive but like I said it's more inferior Fe and also personality defects which don't have to have much to do with mbti. I'm an INTP enneagram type 4 which is apparently quite unusual so that may be a reason I can seem more like an F type of some sort. I am not a typical INTP type 5 anyway. And INTP's are meant to be rational but bear in mind they can also be very emotional and emotionally confused etc. because of inferior Fe and also I have OCD which is what I've been talking about in those two posts and OCD is irrational. I get emotionally confused. My boyfriend who is actually an ISFP gets confused about what is logical (inferior Te) when stressed. I can see the difference between us which enforces my opinion that I don't use the same functions as him.

I actually wish I was an ISFP. And I'd like to know why you think I am etc. ?


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

I'd have to say you should let go of it all and stop trying to control it. If he wants to go away and that means any reason or no reason at all, he has every right. There is more pain in trying to go back, letting go will be difficult but more constructive.


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

Besides "how bad is this?"
I also have low self-esteem and I created so many problems and implications in a recent thing of my own, yet to anybody else it doesn't even matter. There are things that many people would think is really bad, but others that may not be viewed the same way. There's no factual answer, it's about changing the way you look at it.


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## sometimes (Dec 26, 2013)

Grandmaster Yoda said:


> I'd have to say you should let go of it all and stop trying to control it. If he wants to go away and that means any reason or no reason at all, he has every right. There is more pain in trying to go back, letting go will be difficult but more constructive.


Well, I have no choice but let him go anyway. But that's not what this thread is meant to about. I don't feel like I even deserve him after how I've treated him. I just want some perspective on what I did. I have obsessive thoughts so I know it's bad but my obsessive thoughts often cloud me from knowing my true perspective on it. And hearing other people's perspectives and reasoning usually help me to find my own.

I'm not trying to control it. Just to understand and come to terms with my own actions.


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

pippylongstocking said:


> Well, I have no choice but let him go anyway. But that's not what this thread is meant to about. I don't feel like I even deserve him after how I've treated him. I just want some perspective on what I did. I have obsessive thoughts so I know it's bad but my obsessive thoughts often cloud me from knowing my true perspective on it. And hearing other people's perspectives and reasoning usually help me to find my own.
> 
> I'm not trying to control it. Just to understand and come to terms with my own actions.


Here's perspective, some people have gotten so abusive that they decided to kill their spouses.
What if this isn't really as a big a deal as you think? What if this happens frequently?
Like I said, there's no right way to interpret these things. The goal is to choose the interpretation that makes it most simple to move on.


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## Apple Pine (Nov 27, 2014)

pippylongstocking said:


> I feel like I can't truly learn from my mistakes unless I understand how bad they were etc. Or at least I can't come to terms with them anyway.
> 
> Well, I clearly have trouble controlling my emotions and leads to horrible outbursts etc. It's not really any excuse though. Yes, I can be impulsive. Sometimes destructively so. Ties in with the not being good at controlling my emotions. To put it down to mbti functions then I think it's Inferior Fe. I may seem like an ISFP because I'm emotional and can be impulsive but like I said it's more inferior Fe and also personality defects which don't have to have much to do with mbti. I'm an INTP enneagram type 4 which is apparently quite unusual so that may be a reason I can seem more like an F type of some sort. I am not a typical INTP type 5 anyway. And INTP's are meant to be rational but bear in mind they can also be very emotional and emotionally confused etc. because of inferior Fe and also I have OCD which is what I've been talking about in those two posts and OCD is irrational. I get emotionally confused. My boyfriend who is actually an ISFP gets confused about what is logical (inferior Te) when stressed. I can see the difference between us which enforces my opinion that I don't use the same functions as him.
> 
> I actually wish I was an ISFP. And I'd like to know why you think I am etc. ?


If you focus more on thinking how you could apply it, change something, learn from it, you will still think a lot about it the way you do, but your attitude will slightly stop your from overthinking about it. 

Not ISFP? Perhaps, but I am open to change my mind. Type 4? How about 7 Sx? 

I am friends with quite a few ISFPs. I get along with Fi doms. I know who they are, how they think. They try to understand the world through the lens of feelings. They think how they feel about things, and judge them. Not everything is personal to them, so they are not emotional all the time. Actually, they are often emotionally distant. They struggle to understand how they feel about things. But here's a thing. They actually try to.

Do you relate to this? How does your ex relate to this? 

I feel like trying to analyze your mbti type beyond this point is a bit of over analyzing, having this little info.


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## sometimes (Dec 26, 2013)

Apple Pine said:


> If you focus more on thinking how you could apply it, change something, learn from it, you will still think a lot about it the way you do, but your attitude will slightly stop your from overthinking about it.
> 
> Not ISFP? Perhaps, but I am open to change my mind. Type 4? How about 7 Sx?
> 
> ...


Well obviously to type me just from those two posts wouldn't work to be honest surely? especially as I didn't really write that much about myself. More about my disorder and my experiences... I am very happy to hear any theories on my type but I have been confident enough in my understanding of cognitive functions for about year to the point where I am as confident as I really can be in my own type. Also in my boyfriends type. His was actually pretty obvious from quite early on. However, I am still interested to hear a theory that I may be mistyped if it is informed and makes sense. But you don't have much information on me to go off as you say? And I understand your description of Fi and don't disagree with it. And yes my boyfriend sounds like that. I don't really relate. Only up to the point that Ti can seem like Fi especially in an INTP who is interested in emotions. But beyond that I don't relate. And I don't relate to enneagram type 7 much at all relatively speaking. Someone can be impulsive sometimes without being a 7 or an ISFP. I can't be the only one lol? If this is something you'd like to discuss further with me and you have more points then I'd be interested but as I say I think I know my type pretty well so it would take a very convincing theory but I'm definitely all ears...and of course I have and will consider everything you said even so. Also this is going off topic oops.


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## sometimes (Dec 26, 2013)

Grandmaster Yoda said:


> Here's perspective, some people have gotten so abusive that they decided to kill their spouses.
> What if this isn't really as a big a deal as you think? What if this happens frequently?
> Like I said, there's no right way to interpret these things. The goal is to choose the interpretation that makes it most simple to move on.


I don't know if this happens frequently. I know a lot of other people are sadly abused. And I don't know how much of a big deal it is. I just know it's bad... I just know that I am on a par with the other abusers and the people who beat up and kill their partners in a fit of rage. Also emotional abuse can be just as bad as physical. And my boyfriend probably was scared for his life when I threw the bottle or at least wondered and was scared of what else I am capable of...


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## sometimes (Dec 26, 2013)

with water said:


> He obviously hasn't if he isn't willing to be understanding of your needs. Your hunger is leading you to be too self sacrificial. If you have needs, you have needs.


Hmm could you explain further please? What needs? Because other abusers think they have 'needs' and so they abuse their partner even though their partner hadn't done anything wrong.


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## with water (Aug 13, 2014)

pippylongstocking said:


> Hmm could you explain further please? What needs? Because other abusers think they have 'needs' and so they abuse their partner even though their partner hadn't done anything wrong.


If you have the compulsions and rituals that are associated with OCD and it causes your anxiety for the rules that come along with it to not be observed, then that is your need. You seem to think that you have sinned against him. The only sin here is an incompatibility. You have a need. He can't handle that need. No one is wrong here.

The way to fix this is to have better standards for yourself. That is the gap that needs to be filled.


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## sometimes (Dec 26, 2013)

with water said:


> If you have the compulsions and rituals that are associated with OCD and it causes your anxiety for the rules that come along with it to not be observed, then that is your need. You seem to think that you have sinned against him. The only sin here is an incompatibility. You have a need. He can't handle that need. No one is wrong here.
> 
> The way to fix this is to have better standards for yourself. That is the gap that needs to be filled.


I wouldn't say those are my needs but rather the needs of my disorder which is OCD which I don't want to have and was making both of us miserable. Also, there's a point where if one person's needs are over stepping the line to control someone else with something that doesn't effect you then that's just out of order/abuse and no one should really be asked to put up with that. That's where the irrational disorder of OCD confuses you in to thinking you need things a certain way when in fact you don't you need the opposite and to stop listening to it. What I needed was help to stop my disorder and just for me to work harder to stop it and just be myself.

Also, he put up with it for a long time, going along with all the rituals and mistreatment from me. Sacrificing his own happiness. Hoping that I would get better. Understandably he thinks that enough's enough and doesn't want to be hurt anymore. The way I behaved and treated him was disregarding both of our needs. Which was really to live a life free from OCD and abusive controlling behaviour and be nice to each other.


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## with water (Aug 13, 2014)

Well, it seems you've made up your mind on that matter.


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## sometimes (Dec 26, 2013)

with water said:


> Well, it seems you've made up your mind on that matter.


I don't know. That's just how I see it currently in response to how I understood your last post. I don't know exactly what else to ask you but I'm interested in knowing more if there is anything I'm missing. I haven't made up my mind about how I see this in general which is why I made this thread. As I say my perspective on this is still totally clouded and I need help.


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