# Limerence vs "Real love"



## Promethea

I'd seen this mentioned, remembered the term, and thought it useful to share. I think that a lot of people experience it, and don't understand what it is.

"Limerence is an involuntary cognitive and emotional state of intense romantic desire for another person. The term was coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov to describe the ultimate, near-obsessive form of romantic love

The concept is an attempt at a scientific study into the nature of romantic love. Limerence can often be what is meant when one expresses having intense feelings of attachment and preoccupations with the love object.

According to Tennov, there are at least two types of love: limerence, what she calls "loving attachment", and "loving affection," the bond that exists between an individual and his or her parents and children.

Limerence is characterized by intrusive thinking and pronounced sensitivity to external events that reflect the disposition of the limerent object towards the individual. Basically, it is the state of being completely carried away by unreasoned passion or love; addictive love. Usually, one is inspired with an intense passion or admiration for someone.

Limerence is a common emotion characterized by unrealistic expectations of blissful passion without positive relationship growth or development. It is distinguished by a lack of trust, loyalty, commitment, and reciprocity. In the case of limerence, there is more often than not an obsessor and an object of desire, who may or may not be attainable.

It can be experienced as intense joy or as extreme despair, depending on whether the feelings are reciprocated. Limerence is sometimes also referred to as infatuation. In common speech, infatuation includes aspects of immaturity and extrapolating from insufficient information, and is usually short-lived."

Source: Limerence - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


----------



## Tootsie

Thank you. I crated a post about having a crush on someone and someone mentioned limerence. I searched it and this came up. It makes a lot of sense to me. After thinking about it from a sceintific view I am much better to get a handel on my emotions!


----------



## Essay

Where does the "vs real love" part play in exactly? What does "the bond that exists between an individual and his or her parents and children" mean? I'd take limerence over some of the bonds I've seen between parents and children. :laughing:


----------



## sparkles

Thanks for this. I've been working on noting the sometimes subtle differences between love, lust, infatuation, and simple care/regard. Limerance would be good to add to the list. I usually analyze myself out of limerance/infatuation, but haven't always.


----------



## Monkey King

Limerence would be a great tool for a logical person to convince themselves that they are not inlove. 

Just based on experience ;P. You may want to define what real love is since that is defined subjectively by one's needs in a relationship.


----------



## Vic

"Involuntary" seems like a key word. "Unrequited" should probably be in there somewhere.


----------



## tnredhead

I wonder if the neurochemicals that cause "love" are also released during "limerence". Frankly, the definition of limerence sounds like the name of the state of "love" in an unhealthy person. I haven't done a lot of research on the subject though, that is just my initial thought.


----------



## sparkles

I don't think "unrequited" must be there. Look at the last bit of the OP and you can see that limerance either leads to joy (if reciprocated) or woe (if not reciprocated).

It's possible to start out limerant and have it melt into "love" and into something sustainable. I have a feeling folks might just focus more on limerance of the unpleasant variety where you feel a bit of your soul ripped away (due to it being unrequited, or due to the deflation when the limerant state gives way to how-they-are if you weren't ready to see that or don't have the skills/desire to continue relating with them once the haze fades).

...I said upthread that I usually analyze myself out of limerance. I have currently been feeling the impulse to do that, as I'm feeling limerant about someone, but I'm trying to just chill and enjoy it since it seems reciprocated currently. I make no assumptions or suggestions as to how it will be experienced by either party a few months from now. 

But right now, in this Now, jellyfish in my head. Fun stuff.

I tend to only allow myself to feel this way about someone when I have reasonable data to suggest mutuality. I shut it off if it might be unrequited because that's just not a fun experience to have.


----------



## itssoOHMYGOD

as a big psychology dork i LOOOVVEEE this topic. i just recently have been going through this in a terribly intense way and NEEDED to get myself mentally out of it. the obsessive thoughts were destroying me. so my strong Ti influence kicked in and this helped so much.

I am interested to know how different MBTI types react to the whole limerence situation?


----------



## snail

Promethea said:


> I'd seen this mentioned, remembered the term, and thought it useful to share. I think that a lot of people experience it, and don't understand what it is.
> 
> "Limerence is an involuntary cognitive and emotional state of intense romantic desire for another person. The term was coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov to describe the ultimate, near-obsessive form of romantic love
> 
> The concept is an attempt at a scientific study into the nature of romantic love. Limerence can often be what is meant when one expresses having intense feelings of attachment and preoccupations with the love object.
> 
> According to Tennov, there are at least two types of love: limerence, what she calls "loving attachment", and "loving affection," the bond that exists between an individual and his or her parents and children.
> 
> Limerence is characterized by intrusive thinking and pronounced sensitivity to external events that reflect the disposition of the limerent object towards the individual. Basically, it is the state of being completely carried away by unreasoned passion or love; addictive love. Usually, one is inspired with an intense passion or admiration for someone.
> 
> Limerence is a common emotion characterized by unrealistic expectations of blissful passion without positive relationship growth or development. It is distinguished by a lack of trust, loyalty, commitment, and reciprocity. In the case of limerence, there is more often than not an obsessor and an object of desire, who may or may not be attainable.
> 
> It can be experienced as intense joy or as extreme despair, depending on whether the feelings are reciprocated. Limerence is sometimes also referred to as infatuation. In common speech, infatuation includes aspects of immaturity and extrapolating from insufficient information, and is usually short-lived."
> 
> Source: Limerence - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


It is not the same as normal infatuation, and I feel that using the word "infatuation" underestimates it. Limerence is not short-lived at all for most of us. I have read studies indicating that it usually lasts for at least three years, and some people remain limerent over a person for decades, or even a lifetime. My first limerent experience lasted over seven years despite being unrequited, and during that time, there was not a single waking hour when the object of desire left my thoughts. This is not uncommon. 

Yes, it is obsessive, but it is not this "extrapolating from insufficient information" thing mentioned above. I think you have mistaken it for an ordinary crush, if that is what you believe. In fact, when in a limerent state, I seek to bond as deeply as possible with the person I desire, and I go out of my way to gather as much information as possible, to have intense conversations in an attempt to penetrate to his ultimate core and merge with his consciousness at the very deepest level possible. 

Anyone who trivializes limerence, or thinks of it as being a mere shallow, irrational, temporary fascination like any other kind of crush, has obviously never experienced it.


----------



## unico

snail said:


> It is not the same as normal infatuation, and I feel that using the word "infatuation" underestimates it. Limerence is not short-lived at all for most of us. I have read studies indicating that it usually lasts for at least three years, and some people remain limerent over a person for decades, or even a lifetime. My first limerent experience lasted over seven years despite being unrequited, and during that time, there was not a single waking hour when the object of desire left my thoughts. This is not uncommon.
> 
> Yes, it is obsessive, but it is not this "extrapolating from insufficient information" thing mentioned above. I think you have mistaken it for an ordinary crush, if that is what you believe. In fact, when in a limerent state, I seek to bond as deeply as possible with the person I desire, and I go out of my way to gather as much information as possible, to have intense conversations in an attempt to penetrate to his ultimate core and merge with his consciousness at the very deepest level possible.
> 
> Anyone who trivializes limerence, or thinks of it as being a mere shallow, irrational, temporary fascination like any other kind of crush, has obviously never experienced it.


Snail, I too have experienced severe limerence and am still not completely out of it, though I think about the situation more rationally now. It lasted from 2003-present for me. I no longer even want to be in a relationship with them, but I can't stop obsessing over them or wishing things could have gone differently with them.


----------



## Kylar

Promethea said:


> I'd seen this mentioned, remembered the term, and thought it useful to share. I think that a lot of people experience it, and don't understand what it is.
> 
> "Limerence is an involuntary cognitive and emotional state of intense romantic desire for another person. The term was coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov to describe the ultimate, near-obsessive form of romantic love
> 
> The concept is an attempt at a scientific study into the nature of romantic love. Limerence can often be what is meant when one expresses having intense feelings of attachment and preoccupations with the love object.
> 
> According to Tennov, there are at least two types of love: limerence, what she calls "loving attachment", and "loving affection," the bond that exists between an individual and his or her parents and children.
> 
> Limerence is characterized by intrusive thinking and pronounced sensitivity to external events that reflect the disposition of the limerent object towards the individual. Basically, it is the state of being completely carried away by unreasoned passion or love; addictive love. Usually, one is inspired with an intense passion or admiration for someone.
> 
> Limerence is a common emotion characterized by unrealistic expectations of blissful passion without positive relationship growth or development. It is distinguished by a lack of trust, loyalty, commitment, and reciprocity. In the case of limerence, there is more often than not an obsessor and an object of desire, who may or may not be attainable.
> 
> It can be experienced as intense joy or as extreme despair, depending on whether the feelings are reciprocated. Limerence is sometimes also referred to as infatuation. In common speech, infatuation includes aspects of immaturity and extrapolating from insufficient information, and is usually short-lived."
> 
> Source: Limerence - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


Real love takes trust more than anything it's not that Limerence or infatuation if you prefer is bad they are part of the human soul but unless you can look a person in the eye and talk to them without having to filter what you say, you can't have the "real love" connection. Though of course if you say something that upsets the other person than they should correct you.


----------



## nonnaci

Ever had a lucid dream with facets of your limerence popping up? Its like being aware of my unconscious manifesting itself as visual fantasy. Quite an experience.


----------



## Spades

I'm having a hard time distinguishing this description from "infatuation". The Wikipedia article has a couple sentences on this, but their explanation is that "infatuation includes aspects of immaturity and extrapolation from insufficient information". So limerence is a subset of infatuation? Polyamory communities use a term called "new relationship energy" which also seems like the same thing to me.

In any case, I don't know how to define "real love" but I think the above three things are not it, and just strong chemical responses to finding a potential mate (though love in itself is biochemical, but a different feeling than this). They (limerence/infatuation/NRE) are not something I experience much personally. I don't think one should allow themselves to act irrationally based on such feelings, but I really can't speak for anyone else.


----------



## IceCube

I believe it all has the same chemical basis, the difference lies within the environment and how it fits the subjective world. So limerence and "real love" are in essence the same thing, just perceived differently.


----------



## atomized bozo explosion

> Anyone who trivializes limerence, or thinks of it as being a mere shallow, irrational, temporary fascination like any other kind of crush, has obviously never experienced it.


I agree completely. Many people don't get it. My limerance has lasted literally decades. It feels related to the bonding instinct. I think my bonding process was deeply triggered, and then the object of my bonding was removed. It reminds me very much of a parent who has lost an infant. I remain quite bonded to the person, even though they are not available. It is actually in a way healthy and normal. I have the ability to bond deeply. Had outside circumstances not separated us, I think we quite likely would have had a fruitful strong relationship. I am quite clear-eyed and level-headed in general; I feel my insights are pretty on-the-mark about this. My limerance reminds me of phantom limb syndrome. My unattainable partner is like a phantom limb that I oriented my psyche around during the bonding process, just as the human body is clearly oriented around having a limb, even when the limb is, alas, missing. I work around the limerance, just as an amputee works around having a missing limb. But, as with the amputee, it would have been far better, easier and healthier if the loss had never occurred. It feels like stories I've heard of widows who lost their husbands early in adult life during WWII. They remarry, and have children, but inside, they know that the real love of their life will forever be the man who died young.


----------

