# Would you rather be Loved or Understood?



## Parrot (Feb 22, 2015)

If you had to choose, which one is more important? Loved as in affection and strong emotional attachment. Understood as in someone knows why you are the way you are, without judgment.

Both can be equally important which is why I included 4 levels. The middle two levels differentiate by which one is first. Yes, I'm making you choose, don't care if you think they're equally important.

Hypothesis: Thinkers prefer understanding, Feelers prefer love.

Edit: 100% can never be attained. There will always be limitations. The question is about which one do you strive or wish would be as closest to 100% as possible. I chose Mostly Understood for that reason as love is not a priority.

2nd Edit: My hypothesis is not looking true so far (Thanks feelers). That might be because I am wrong. It also might be due to the need for more clarity. So...

-Understanding leads to love means understanding will always be more important. Although love would also be a goal, it is secondary to the need to understand first. 
-Vice-versa for love leads to understanding. This means emotional affection must be shown, first, and will always be a priority over understanding your SO.


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## Beatriz (Oct 18, 2015)

I don't think someone can understand the other 100%, so I'd rather be loved; but I chose "love leads to understanding" on the poll because I do believe that love can make you consider the views of others better


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## Parrot (Feb 22, 2015)

Beatriz said:


> I don't think someone can understand the other 100%, so I'd rather be loved; but I chose "love leads to understanding" on the poll because I do believe that love can make you consider the views of others better


I agree that 100% is unrealistic. That is why I made the extreme choices "Mostly..."


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## SilverFlames (Oct 22, 2015)

Tough question! I believe that when you're actually in love with someone (not just for the sake of having a relationship) the two of you have such strong empathetic connections that it would be very difficult not to have a strong understanding of each other, so I guess if you start with love you can have both! ~ENFP


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## Parrot (Feb 22, 2015)

SilverFlames said:


> Tough question! I believe that when you're actually in love with someone (not just for the sake of having a relationship) the two of you have such strong empathetic connections that it would be very difficult not to have a strong understanding of each other, so I guess if you start with love you can have both! ~ENFP


I agree. Can you see why I differentiated with one being first or slightly more important than the other?


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## great_pudgy_owl (Apr 20, 2015)

Eh, I thought they were (almost) one in the same. I do believe understanding leads to love; when I think about it what comes to mind is that love at first sight and baloney are strongly connected. 

At the same time though, you could say you'd only want to understand something unless you have some love for it [learning]...but understanding still seems to be the root of it.


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## Parrot (Feb 22, 2015)

great_pudgy_owl said:


> Eh, I thought they were (almost) one in the same. I do believe understanding leads to love; when I think about it what comes to mind is that love at first sight and baloney are strongly connected.
> 
> At the same time though, you could say you'd only want to understand something unless you have some love for it [learning]...but understanding still seems to be the root of it.


I differentiate them as cognitive vs affective empathy. Theoretically we can argue that they are the same, although they are very different to me. 

"Understood" and "Loved" are just vernacular terms. Sure, "true love" means both are there.


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## great_pudgy_owl (Apr 20, 2015)

Drunk Parrot said:


> I differentiate them as cognitive vs affective empathy. Theoretically we can argue that they are the same, although they are very different to me.
> 
> "Understood" and "Loved" are just vernacular terms. Sure, "true love" means both are there.


Ok, thank you for those terms, it's a lot clearer now. Personally speaking, when I meet people I first try to piece them together first. I generally make a lot of assumptions and at least half of them turn out wrong. With time though, as a bigger picture forms, that's when I tend to actually empathize. (I am a feeler btw, this looks like it'll be a fun topic to watch.)


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## Parrot (Feb 22, 2015)

great_pudgy_owl said:


> Ok, thank you for those terms, it's a lot clearer now. Personally speaking, when I meet people I first try to piece them together first. I generally make a lot of assumptions and at least half of them turn out wrong. With time though, as a bigger picture forms, that's when I tend to actually empathize. (I am a feeler btw, this looks like it'll be a fun topic to watch.)


Assuming you selected "understanding leads to love" then I would say that sounds accurate with what you believe.


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## SolusChristus (Jun 21, 2015)

Thinker (most probably...) - mostly loved. Noone could ever completely understand you except God, and He already loves us all. I'd rather be loved, if I had such a choice, by the person I love as well. If you love someone, you'll accept him/her for who he/she is regardless of you understanding him/her. If you really knew anyone, I doubt you would want to love that person, because we're all evil.


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## MisterPerfect (Nov 20, 2015)

Beatriz said:


> I don't think someone can understand the other 100%, so I'd rather be loved; but I chose "love leads to understanding" on the poll because I do believe that love can make you consider the views of others better


Someone can understand you if they are exactly like you.


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## MisterPerfect (Nov 20, 2015)

That is a hard one. I found someone who understood me once and I cared very much for that person, but it turns our they did not give a crap about me. I guess I would say someone who loved me but did not understand me would be better. Perhaps its better without the ecstasy


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## Tetsuo Shima (Nov 24, 2014)

I'm sick of all of this condescending unconditional love! All that I want is for somebody, anybody, to understand me!


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## KillinIt (Jul 27, 2015)

I'd prefer to be understood. Can you really have love without understanding?


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## DevilishGrin (May 15, 2013)

I believe In order to love someone you have to understand them, my thoughts are if you don't understand someone you are probably more infatuated than actually in love with them.


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## SolusChristus (Jun 21, 2015)

True love does not need understanding.


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## greattt (Dec 6, 2015)

Looove.


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## HoldenCawffled (Feb 25, 2015)

I'm kinda surprised. I would've thought that thinkers - those who highly value everything about the intellect - majority of us would choose being understood over being loved.


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## Ermenegildo (Feb 25, 2014)

100 people who love us are very useful for us, whereas 100 people who understand how we work make us too predictable. Who cares that dogs don't understand us?


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## Catwalk (Aug 12, 2015)

You cannot love me at maximum capacity + *full* potential if you do not know (who) you are loving. Thus, if you do not understand me - I am afraid there is no _use_ for you (re: informal mutualism + emotional / relational stimuli) in regards to myself + my time. No matter what kind of 'bio-chemical' reactions are firing off within that sweet head of yours.

By ''understood'' --> I understand ''knowing me''. By ''knowing me'' - I understand higher stability + love growth. 

You can _know_ me - but you do not have to *get* me.

By ''loving me first w/out understanding'' --> ''knowing who I am'' unravelling in time; (re: love at first sights --> infactuations + love fetishizations + unstability built of pure bio-chemicals + primitive stimuli). Yeah, loving me is _*easy*_.


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## cuddlyone (Nov 24, 2015)

Love without understanding is not the same thing as love WITH understanding, or love that came about because you truly understood each other. I chose "understanding leads to love". I think feelers do value love very highly, but maybe some of us recognize that deeper love comes from understanding thus the choice we make on this poll. 

Looking at it like...okay a person loves me - but they don't understand me. How deeply can you love someone you don't even understand? "Love" or "infatuation" for someone you do not fully understand will never measure up to the kind of love you have once you have understood each other. In terms of familial or platonic love, many people want to be understood by their parents, siblings, and closest friends. In such a situation of deep understanding within that context, you find the strongest love bonds.

So I think it is that some feelers do value love highly but some of us also feel that the kind of love we are striving for is almost always born out of deep understanding of each other as people.


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## Schizoid (Jan 31, 2015)

Drunk Parrot said:


> If you had to choose, which one is more important? Loved as in affection and strong emotional attachment. Understood as in someone knows why you are the way you are, without judgment.
> 
> Both can be equally important which is why I included 4 levels. The middle two levels differentiate by which one is first. Yes, I'm making you choose, don't care if you think they're equally important.
> 
> ...


 

INFP here and I'd rather be understood. And the below is my reasoning:

Being loved doesn't always make me feel good. When you are being loved but not being understood by someone, you will constantly feel judged by them, you will constantly feel stressed around them, because they don't understand your personality and they kept trying to change you into who they want you to be. 

However, when a person understands you, they will accept you the way you are. And you will end up feeling happy and relaxed around them because they never try to change you and they always understand where you are coming from. 

I am surrounded by family members who love me but doesn't understand me, and I ended up feeling miserable because they didn't accept me the way I am and kept trying to change me. 

And this makes me realize how important it is to surround myself with people who understands me.


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## Aelthwyn (Oct 27, 2010)

I guess I'm used to people not really understanding me, but I know I cannot do without the emotional security of knowing that someone loves me, despite not understanding me. I really want to be understood, but affection is extremely important to me.


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## Hei (Jul 8, 2014)

I think understanding someone can lead to empathy for them, a certain care and love for them. I very much do want to be loved, but I would feel it a bit empty if I could not be understood when I need it most. I think finding someone that really understands me will go a long way.


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## FireRain (Dec 6, 2015)

I Think love leads to understanding, if you can relate. 
It's hard sometimes, but you're gonna try more, if you love than if you do not.


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## DualGnosis (Apr 6, 2013)

It's better to be understood, because then you'll know if people love you for who you are or for something else...

Take a politician for example, some people love him for his personality or party affiliations or something arbitrary like race or sex, but will not have a single clue about his policies. So how can you tell that love is genuine? You don't.

You can't truly love or admire someone, in my opinion, without fully understanding who they are or what they stand for.


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## Reiyn Isa (Dec 9, 2015)

Wow this was hard.I was grateful there was the answer "Understanding lead to love" and it's true to me :tongue: nice poll


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## Zster (Mar 7, 2011)

NO one understands me, except for my closest family. Thus, love has become pretty darned important. I seem to baffle most people, not real sure why.


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## RansomthePasserby (Sep 26, 2015)

Loverstood.

Seems to me like love and understanding both feed each other. I love someone, so I take the time to understand them. The more I understand them, the more I want to love them. And the cycle repeats.


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## MuChApArAdOx (Jan 24, 2011)

For me when I am feeling understood I automatically feel loved. I would rather be understood first, this way what you see is what you get and If you can still find it in your heart to feel love towards me knowing how I truly am, that is the ulitmate kind of love. I myself would have a hard time loving someone unconditionally unless I understood their heart and soul, how it beats , why it beats and who it beats for.


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## shameless (Apr 21, 2014)

Thinker - Understanding leads to Love 

I thought this before I opened it and seen the option


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## Wisteria (Apr 2, 2015)

To answer the thread question, I would chose love over being understood. This question is really tough though and for some reason I can't get my head round it. After thinking about it though, I think either would benefit a person. Being understood but not appreciated seems lonely.


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## TTIOTBSAL (May 26, 2014)

Loved.


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## ChangelingGirl (Aug 12, 2012)

To be very honest, if it were possible, I'd much rather be understood than be loved. I don'tknow whether someone can totally understand someone else though. I feel chronically misunderstood anyway.


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## Shade (Oct 11, 2013)

INFP - I'd rather be loved, being understood is overrated for me. When someone responds to me in a way that makes it clear for me that s/he didn't understand the sentiment I just expressed I may feel annoyed and get that angsty, teenage feeling of "no one understands me, I'm so alone". But I know that when someone talks about me and every observation is spot on I feel so f*****g irritated. This feeling probably wouldn't occur if someone told me s/he loved me, I hope.


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## Notus Asphodelus (Jan 20, 2015)

Sometimes loving first and understanding later could skew your perception of the other person. What you might have known of that person could probably be just an exaggeration of the idealized mind. That doesn't mean it's wrong to have a love that leads to understanding. It just takes a person with a strong sense of empathy of human nature that one doesn't need to fully understand people to be able to see oneself within them. I mean even I could not understand myself occasionally which is one of many traits I share with most human beings. What makes me think I am at one with them on certain things when sometimes I don't even know my own "reflection in the mirror"? 
Taking ramblings aside, yes I'd like to be loved regardless of who I am.


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## Diminuendo (Jun 1, 2015)

Love doesn't really mean much from a person who doesn't understand you. What they'd love is their idea of you and not who you actually are. I think I'd rather be understood (by a select few people), because it makes the person's judgement of me more fair and meaningful.


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## Another Lost Cause (Oct 6, 2015)

If this is in reference to an SO, I'd rather be loved. I understand myself well enough, and I can show my competence off at work or wherever else. There are more outlets for being understood than there are for love and affection.


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## Parrot (Feb 22, 2015)

jennalee said:


> Being understood but not appreciated seems lonely.


It's all perception. Love has plenty of value, but it's meaningless to me. Part of understanding is acceptance, even if it's not meant with affection. Being understood and accepted is love, to me. Nothing wrong with your answer as it's subjective, just wanted to explain.


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## UraniaIsis (Nov 26, 2014)

_Feeler - Understanding leads to love_

I know I will never understand others nor be understood 100%, or maybe even 25%, of the time. But, some sort of understanding on both sides helps everyone get on a similar page with problem-solving, addressing life/work concerns, and anticipating each others needs. The willingness to achieve understanding is what leads to such an important biochemical connection of love and bonding for me. I can't just eat a glob of icing, I need the cake foundation that gives the icing stability and form. _*Inspired by my slice of cake*_


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## Parrot (Feb 22, 2015)

I wonder if the desire for understanding is part of the intuitive nature. This site attracts many more intuitive types as they are more likely to be drawn to a subject like typology. I'm sure many sensors value being understood, but I wonder what people's thoughts are as far as how S/N types would answer this question. My initial thought would be NTs value understanding the most while SFs value love the most. Although I recognize that not 100% of those types would answer that way.


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## heavydirtysoul (Jan 13, 2012)

Understood.


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## MisterPerfect (Nov 20, 2015)

Well that is tough 

If someone understands me but doesn't love me that makes them a threat 
If someone loves me but does not understand me they might unintentionally hurt me and ill always feel lonely


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## _XXX_ (Oct 25, 2014)

Loved.

You can (hopefully) understand me also. Or not.

< ISTP


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## SharksFan99 (Oct 8, 2015)

I would rather be understood. What good is love, if someone doesn't know who you truly are and how you are feeling?


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## Quernus (Dec 8, 2011)

_Feeler - Understanding leads to Love_
Yes. Will defend this til I die. The reverse is also somewhat true, it's cyclical. Also, understanding doesn't always lead to love, but love cannot form without it.

I feel better knowing I'm understood than knowing I'm loved, because being truly understood is more rare. I think if anyone loves me, they must have some understanding of me, on some level - but sometimes people get lazy or take things for granted and don't seek to delve deeper or understand better, or start relying on assumptions and memories without keeping up with change. When understood I can finally take a moment to catch my breath instead of frantically trying to hide and/or explain myself. It makes me feel more competent, even though my self-efficacy shouldn't depend on how well I'm understood...


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## Peace Maker (Mar 22, 2016)

*Love leads to understanding*

To me, love is _the desire to revel in another's mind_. A _wild, indulgent binge on another's thoughts and feelings_. A longing for one other, _transfixing all difference between two._

- Or maybe thats just me


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## Headdesk (Jun 13, 2016)

A lot of people I know have limited understanding, but they do support me regardless, try to do what they can, etc. I think it's more helpful and reassuring than someone who knows exactly how my mind works but may or may not be by me through the hard times or care what happens to me at the end of the day. 

It's okay, I really don't understand everything about people myself. Y'all some weird creatures.


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## ninjahitsawall (Feb 1, 2013)

Thinker - Understanding leads to love, definitely (not necessarily, but it is a requirement). If someone loves me but doesn't understand me, I'd be suspicious that they're delusional - only love their idea of me (since that's the limit of their understanding). 

It's also difficult for me to have interest in anyone (romantically or platonically) if I don't "get" where they're coming from, or I don't think they get me. I've often said the essential difference for me between a platonic and romantic connection is just the sexual attraction. I can experience platonic love very deeply (as a result of mutual understanding) and it's pretty much the same as a romantic attraction minus the sex part.


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## Hao (Apr 20, 2016)

*Loved. I don't really want to be understood, not completely at least. I don't even think it's possible.

Whatever, I'm an ISFP.*


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## Tropes (Jul 7, 2016)

Drunk Parrot said:


> Loved as in affection and strong emotional attachment.


= Affection.



Drunk Parrot said:


> Understood as in someone knows why you are the way you are, without judgment.


= Acceptance. 


I think the data is problematic because the current wording carries too much weight in regards to personal associations for people to easily adjust it to how it is defined within the OP.


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## shameless (Apr 21, 2014)

Before I even opened this up I thought to myself, isn't being understood an aid in loving


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

Thinker: Understanding leads to love.


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## Night At The Opera (Jul 23, 2016)

Thinker: Love leads to understanding.

I chose this because the people I share a hold a strong affection/bond with are the only people I bother _trying_ to understand on the sort of level we are talking about. Whether or not I understand everyone else is incidental.

I would rather be loved than understood. I don't feel the need to be understood so much as accepted. This is how I give my love----it's unconditional; no understanding is required. My motivation to understand them is derived from that bond.


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## He's a Superhero! (May 1, 2013)

I am loved but not understood. Knowing that I'm loved despite not being understood feels awesome.


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## Amy (Jan 15, 2015)

Love leads to understanding. I weighed the options and thought that understanding someone not always leads to loving someone. But loving someone leads to understanding someone


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## Parrot (Feb 22, 2015)

Love does not always lead to understanding. After all, that is how codependency and emotional abuse happens, because people love without understanding their partner, much less themselves.


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## Asmodaeus (Feb 15, 2015)

Bahaha. :laughing:

Seriously, as an INTJ, I truly think love can't prevail without at least a certain degree of mutual understanding.


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## Mmmm (Jul 6, 2012)

It would be great to have both! However I think someone would need to love me & it be mutual, in order for me to open up enough for them to understand me too. I don't know that I have ever really been _understood _by someone IRL. I guess I only seem to get that "understanding" on PerC from fellow INTJ's.


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## Preciselyd (Mar 18, 2018)

I strongly believe and have experienced that understanding leads to love. When one tries to understand another person in turn the love they have for that person will be unconditionally.


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