# wanting to be more blunt/straight forward and honest. no BS.



## perpetuallyreticent (Sep 24, 2014)

So, basically, due to recent circumstances, I've had an abundance of time for introspection and self discovery. A lot of this sort of ties into MBTI and functions, but also, not. It's hard to explain, but I'll do my best. 

Lately, with being so involved with my own thoughts and views of myself and the external world, I've started .. resenting how sensitive I can be and how much I let people walk over me. Now, I wouldn't say I'm a push over, but when I say 'let people walk over me' this more so refers to simply letting things happen around me I might not necessarily agree with, in order to keep peace. I don't really want to be more aggressive, I just wish I was more comfortable being blunt, straight forward and incorporated more of a no-bull shit policy when dealing with people.

Also, a lot of my capability of applying any of those things to myself depends on who I'm with. I find it easier to be blunt and assertive with people I know have seen this kind of behavior from me, or in situations where this behavior won't cause conflict or arise any undesirable emotions in others. 

Basically, I just feel like if I was thrown into a place with complete strangers, I'd be able to fully engulf myself into the behavior and attitude I really strive for. Being more aloof, decisive, straight forward and honest before sugar coating crap and worrying about people's reactions, and instead worrying about how true I'm being to myself and others. I do, first and foremost, feel that it's very rude to not be honest with people, and that sparing someone's feelings in any situation is pointless if this conflicts with being truthful or genuine. But I find it very hard to apply these things when I've been so compliant my entire life, which I think is due to my unhealthy childhood and the circumstances in which I grew up in. I fear that people will take my behavior in a negative light, instead of taking it for what it really is- blunt honesty, assertiveness and not just simply being mean or disagreeable, or malicious, or even 'cold'. 

Sometimes I even feel like detaching myself from things would be easier, but again, I'm not really used to behaving this way. It's less "unnatural" for me as much as I just feel there's an internal and external struggle that I've created throughout my life that makes it feel very 180, like a complete change in who I am, yet.... I'd also feel comfortable being able to naturally express myself without overly caring about how it affects people, and instead worrying about people needing to know how something is, versus how it isn't.

I put this in advice mainly because it focuses on me, but if people want to give their own unique experiences (if they've dealt with anything similar) then feel free.


----------



## Metalize (Dec 18, 2014)

I can relate very well to everything you've said, and I consider that I've been successful in adjusting my "outer" persona in this regard.

Persona = the aspect of someone's character that is presented to or perceived by others.

Going to do it by bits ... modifying this post in little increments at a time since I'm kind of busy atm.

Sensitive is sensitive, you naturally want diplomacy and peacemaking. But that's an instinct you have to learn to override, not because it's inherently bad (and it's not), but because you need to have some kind of social leverage around you. And as you've guessed, you don't have much right now, because of these personality traits. 

It's very difficult at first, and you'll probably mess up sloppily when trying to assert yourself the first few times, but you absolutely have to _try_. My trick for getting through these moments of uncertainty is to:

1) Initially weigh/assess the situation. Is it worth it, are these relationships of practical importance? There's no shame in walking away from a situation in which you can't win. (Sorry if I might be fishing for stuff here.)

2) Ask yourself how much you'll regret passing up this chance to assert yourself or do a certain action. Figure out what you want done, or what you want to see as a result.

3) Clear your mind and let the emotions go. Think of yourself as you want to see yourself, almost from a third-party point of view. Emotions are not part of the equation, _OR_ they are only as much as you want them to be - which brings me to:

4) Leveraging emotions that you do have. If you're angry, use that as a temporary power source, to make a leap over your self-confidence issues. I'm not going to tell you to fix your self confidence, because you likely realize that already - I'm just sharing "hacks" on how naturally shy and sensitive people can bypass their hardwiring, so to speak.

Brb with a bit more on body language... which incidentally is something you should read up on - "how to" assertive and confident body language.


----------



## johnnyyukon (Nov 8, 2013)

Not sure exactly what you're saying.

You wish you could be more of a dick sometimes?


----------



## perpetuallyreticent (Sep 24, 2014)

@Metasentient 

Very good advice. I especially agree that applying #1 and especially #4 will help me out a lot. I also know what you mean with the body language (still, cite me some stuff if you have it handy) and how certain postures will give others an initial perception of you that's associated with being weak or a push over.

@johnnyyukon Nah, not a dick. Or at least not someone who is rightfully perceived as one, anyway. It's a bit relative as to what one person considers a 'dick' and another. A lot of people consider others cold just because they're not scared to tell it how it is, but I don't really see it that way. I value these qualities in a person, but especially so when they're able to deliver themselves in an assertive, yet honest/blunt way without being seen as offensive or attacking another person.

Like, I've already got down the mind set needed for it. I can pull off how I want to act with certain people I'm close to, such as my best friend and some family members. Basically, before (let's just say a year ago and beyond that) I'd be prone to sugarcoating everything and being overly nice to people to avoid conflict. I'm tired of that. I've found myself caring a lot less about how something is going to affect someone's feelings at that very moment if it means being completely truthful and straight forward, and another big one- just being assertive in every day life. 

I'm not really shunning my sensitivity here, I just want to develop a more logical mindset. I've come to realize that letting my emotions lead me to certain decisions and responses isn't helpful to anyone, including myself and I'd really like to find a starting point in finding a way to change that in myself.


----------



## Metalize (Dec 18, 2014)

perpetuallyreticent said:


> @_Metasentient_
> 
> Very good advice. I especially agree that applying #1 and especially #4 will help me out a lot. I also know what you mean with the body language (still, cite me some stuff if you have it handy) and how certain postures will give others an initial perception of you that's associated with being weak or a push over.
> 
> ...


Right, it's understandable. It's not being a 'dick' if you're just wanting learn how to be more logical when merited, how to establish healthy boundaries, cultivating a more honest approach with both the world and yourself, etc. 

Sorry, I do tend to ramble. I type really fast, so 'time' tends not to be a factor. At the same time, I feel like it's important for me to make certain points, because I often draw from personal experiences when giving advice, and not some canned, regurgitated advice that you might find on webmd or sparkpeople. 

Yes! Posture is big one. Standing or sitting up straight, shoulders back, eyes level ahead and preferably a neutral facial expression, without fear of making eye contact if needed. (That was a big one for me). That last one, I practiced by returning people's unsolicited stares, like on the subway or the street, if only for a second. (Staring's a huge pet peeve of mine, I find it aggressive, so I was enjoying the chance to re-establish myself in this way. Plus, avoiding eye contact makes you look "weak", which is a no-no.) 

There's another little "hack" I learned on my own... in walking on the street, especially a crowded one.

I noticed that naturally, my instinct is to kind of scurry to get out of people's way. That's just my natural inclination, especially if they are making forceful strides in the opposite direction I'm going, without looking like they're about to give leeway. I basically just practiced stepping out of the way a little, not too much, so as to maintain politeness, but also to assert my own space. If they seem obstinate, tilt the right (or left) shoulder a little as if you're about to brush through. I especially use this on those obnoxious groupies of like four girls all walking in a wide line, and not moving aside for others. If I'm feeling nasty, I can hit them with my shoulder as I'm walking by to prove my point. 

To clarify - I'm not pushing anyone purposely, or walking like an asshole, but merely maintaining a confident stride.

This might sound minor or nitpicky... but I guarantee you, the results were nothing less than incredible. My family noticed immediately, and complimented my unusually confident, energetic style of walking/movement. I am not accosted on the street by strangers anywhere near as often (especially if I'm making the appropriate steely expression). And ... I feel more confident myself, somehow. By adjusting my physical movements, my mind seems to have followed suit, instead of trying to bang it all into place the other way around.

Sorry, I rambled again!


----------



## StranGaaa Danjjja (Jan 6, 2015)

*Im a big dick meowwwwww*

when they get butthurt your to blunt that is when you will truely see peoples colors

Whats worst case scenerio for you being you you wont be walked all over............

you have see people for who they are not for what you want to be seen by them as


----------



## perpetuallyreticent (Sep 24, 2014)

Metasentient said:


> Right, it's understandable. It's not being a 'dick' if you're just wanting learn how to be more logical when merited, how to establish healthy boundaries, cultivating a more honest approach with both the world and yourself, etc.
> 
> Sorry, I do tend to ramble. I type really fast, so 'time' tends not to be a factor. At the same time, I feel like it's important for me to make certain points, because I often draw from personal experiences when giving advice, and not some canned, regurgitated advice that you might find on webmd or sparkpeople.
> 
> ...


Yeah, I honestly have terrible walking and posture habits. I watched this one (I think...TED talk? Yeah, here it is. thing on how the way you sit, even alone, but especially around people, can affect how you ultimately see yourself. For example, as the woman says in the video, sitting in a way to make yourself seem smaller is very submissive like. And making yourself seem bigger, or just spreading out a bit is more assertive and shows dominance, or at the very least, self confidence. 

I've also noticed I tend to keep a steady head down when I'm walking, but also in other times when I really don't want anyone to approach me, I've just recently noticed I do actually keep my head up and walk somewhat on the faster side with better posture. People tend to not come up to me as much if I hold that kind of posture, which I prefer.. lol
@Rob Qlarkie Ha, that's got truth to it, I suppose. Although with some people, and I guess type can be a minor factor in this, are just a bit more sensitive to bluntness and not sugarcoating things. I've realized that even though I want to apply these qualities to myself, I have to maintain some kind of balance because regardless of ME knowing I'm not an asshole, or trying to be one, that people I care about might not catch on since it's a bit out of character for me to be more assertive. My best friend who's an ESFP, for example, takes a lot of things personally without meaning to, and it's a bit hard to explain things in a logical manner to her... which is frustrating. But yeah.


----------



## Bugs (May 13, 2014)

Are you wondering how these relate to MBTI functions? 

ISFP :

Fi- Constantly seeking internal harmony ( harmony with the self) even if it means sacrificing harmony with others. 

So why your situation is bothering you is no real mystery. Your Fi feels out of whack. So I say just follow it since it is your greatest strength. Nothing wrong with being there for others but never when it means sacrificing who you are. If you feel like you're loosing a bit of yourself every time you accommodate others then you're doing it wrong. :tongue:


----------



## StranGaaa Danjjja (Jan 6, 2015)

I have no sensor i tell any one and every one how it is

people who cant take it you do not need 

especially if you are being walked over

you are some one tooooooooooooo


----------



## perpetuallyreticent (Sep 24, 2014)

Bugs said:


> Are you wondering how these relate to MBTI functions?
> 
> ISFP :
> 
> ...


I've never actually thought of it that way! Sometimes, even being Fi-dom, I forget a lot of what actually correlates with it as a function. I guess that's usually how it goes, though, since we're usually a bit unaware of when our Dom function is working since it's constantly being used and applied to things.

Agreed, though. It's also a bit hard trying to put everything together when nothing, at the moment, is metaphorically together. (And I mean for me, my life is a bit of a mess so trying to assert myself to others lacks a lot because my self confidence and security is severely lacking.)


----------



## ForestPaix (Aug 30, 2014)

ahmigosh sooo relating to this post!! All my life I've been an easy-pushover, even today I can be easily walked all over by people, cause I'm afraid of hurting them, the way I've been hurt in the past. A lot of the time I guess I sort of lock down deep emotions when I'm around people, and I often just think, I don't care. The problem is, that with locking away deep emotions is that they all tend to burst out at once.


----------



## johnnyyukon (Nov 8, 2013)

Soooo, developing more Ti?

I have the opposite problem. I say things bluntly and to the point and have always lacked a certain tact. I walk like I'm not going to budge and people generally get outta my way.

I've learned to be more sensitive, but it's not really my nature. 

Although I'm sure there's plenty of techniques out there (take up kickboxing) that perhaps other feelers have for being more assertive, there's nothing quite like growing older and just realizing that time is too fucking precious to go out of your way to please someone, or sugar coat it. 

And "I value these qualities in a person, but especially so when they're able to deliver themselves in an assertive, yet honest/blunt way without being seen as offensive" you're probably going to come off as a little offensive, but what I've found is if you can read what a certain person is capable of handling, going just a little bit over that, it will sink in. If I'm TOO harsh, people get defensive. Even then, though, it still sinks in sometimes. 

You said being a "dick" is relative, and you're right. For me, especially with my friends I care about, I'm NOT afraid to be a dick if I think it will help them. I've been called an asshole and a dick so many fucking times by friends or gfs that love me, so I tend to see it as a term of endearment. Ha, but that's definitely me.


----------



## perpetuallyreticent (Sep 24, 2014)

@johnnyyukon 

Possibly developing more Ti. I've sort of admired NTPs and STPs for the qualities their Ti brings them. But it's also hard creating a natural level of what I want to see in myself and is ultimately still _me_ without trying to push my own boundaries too far and be someone I'm not. Basically, if I could just naturally develop more of an understanding for 1) Ti and 2) The fact that all of the qualities I strive for are less of personality traits and more so just wielding LESS of emotionally strung decisions and the natural fear I have of upsetting someone.

I obviously care about being hurtful to people. But I'm sure, for you especially (being a Ti-user) that even though you're aware of people's feelings, that ultimately the opposing factor (honesty) is more important and prominent. And definitely so in the long run.

@ForestPaix Ha, this could very well be a thing in Fi-doms that have just been walked over far too long. :tongue:


----------



## Metalize (Dec 18, 2014)

perpetuallyreticent said:


> I've never actually thought of it that way! Sometimes, even being Fi-dom, I forget a lot of what actually correlates with it as a function. I guess that's usually how it goes, though, since we're usually a bit unaware of when our Dom function is working since it's constantly being used and applied to things.
> 
> Agreed, though. It's also a bit hard trying to put everything together when nothing, at the moment, is metaphorically together. (And I mean for me, my life is a bit of a mess so trying to assert myself to others lacks a lot because my self confidence and security is severely lacking.)


Ideally, the confidence and associated traits would be stable before asserting yourself in society, but that is neither practical nor realistic.

Back to your last post... There is more than one way to come across as not wanting social interaction. You want to ensure yours is coming from a position of security/control, as opposed to giving the impression that you're fearful of others. Easier said than done, but as I said, having the goal firmly mentally fixed is already a huge stride.

There is a lot of missing gaps in my posts; I don't feel as though it makes sense to repeat what you probably already heard - maintaining healthy habits in terms of diet, exercise, sleep, etc., engaging in social interactions regularly, and so on. It seems banal to reiterate these points, and in any event, there are simply more efficient methods to obtaining your objectives ... or at least to use in parallel.

I initially tested as INTJ on most tests, but eventually realized that my "true" type from childhood may be INFP... and while you cannot change your type, there is no logical reason not to fortify the other aspects of yourself. I personally can't relate to any type now, but the benefit is that I am now flexible enough to conduct myself effectively in society/life... or so I'd like to think. Strictly in terms of MBTI, it's best to know your type and work with it.

If they do not, or cannot, support you in your efforts to establish healthy boundaries, at least after an uncomfortable period of transition, they are _not_ your friends. Don't feel bad about dropping those.


----------



## Metalize (Dec 18, 2014)

johnnyyukon said:


> Soooo, developing more Ti?
> 
> I have the opposite problem. I say things bluntly and to the point and have always lacked a certain tact. I walk like I'm not going to budge and people generally get outta my way.
> 
> ...


Interesting. So why do you walk that way? Is it because you don't think to move (which is obviously not true given your post), because you don't really care, because you like asserting dominance? What do you do if someone deliberately doesn't shift, because they're the same "get outta my way" type?

This type of psychology has always been very alien to me, I'd like to understand it.

Do you ever become concerned with topics such as ethics or morality?


----------



## StranGaaa Danjjja (Jan 6, 2015)

If they do not, or cannot, support you in your efforts to establish healthy boundaries, at least after an uncomfortable period of transition, they are not your friends. Don't feel bad about dropping those.

yes


----------



## perpetuallyreticent (Sep 24, 2014)

Metasentient said:


> Ideally, the confidence and associated traits would be stable before asserting yourself in society, but that is neither practical nor realistic.
> 
> Back to your last post... There is more than one way to come across as not wanting social interaction. You want to ensure yours is coming from a position of security/control, as opposed to giving the impression that you're fearful of others. Easier said than done, but as I said, having the goal firmly mentally fixed is already a huge stride.
> 
> ...


Agreed. Taking that into account, I'll most likely have to keep my more sensitive friends up to speed. They'll understand I'm sure. lol but like I said, it's also maintaining a balance and more or less refining a certain mind set and initially applying these things to every day life by _asserting_ myself, but once that's all said and done I'm hoping for it to feel natural. So, obviously, I'll be tactful when I need to be but without sacrificing consistency of rationality and honesty. 

Putting myself out there and asserting myself purposely is definitely an important phase of this change, though.


----------



## Metalize (Dec 18, 2014)

perpetuallyreticent said:


> Agreed. Taking that into account, I'll most likely have to keep my more sensitive friends up to speed. They'll understand I'm sure. lol but like I said, it's also maintaining a balance and more or less refining a certain mind set and initially applying these things to every day life by _asserting_ myself, but once that's all said and done I'm hoping for it to feel natural. So, obviously, I'll be tactful when I need to be but without sacrificing consistency of rationality and honesty.
> 
> Putting myself out there and asserting myself purposely is definitely an important phase of this change, though.


Yep, taking care to avoid extremes. I think that sounds like a good strategy, and strongly agree with maintaining rationality and honesty (personal integrity, really). 

Yes, it's a necessary step in re-wiring the instincts, as I call them. Deeply embedded mental patterns that essentially need to be manually shifted.


----------



## StranGaaa Danjjja (Jan 6, 2015)

Start with the person you trust the most friend wise and just explain it to them and then bitch slap him or her laugh evily and be done with it for the day


----------



## Metalize (Dec 18, 2014)

Oh yeah, if you want logic, just come to the debate forums... probably have a read on that sticky about the fallacies.

Admittedly, people aren't always good at the whole logic thing, but it's a great learning opportunity.


----------

