# Insight On How To Deal With A Pathological Liar Please?



## Destiny Lund (Sep 2, 2011)

Mine & my husband's best friend Dan(INFP, well-developed T) has been dating an ISFJ girl. We recently found out through some unfortunate events that she's a pathological liar(we're 99.99% sure, nothing else fits). I know she's an ISFJ(an unhealthy one at that), I could bet my life she's a 6w7. He's having trouble leaving her & is clinging on to the .01% of hope that she's not insane & a pathological liar. She's been bringing us all down with so much of her drama, her manipulations, & guilt trips- trying to tear our friendships apart & keep Dan all to herself. I have never dealt with a pathological liar, let alone an ISFJ one. Has anyone else dealt with a pathological liar? Have you ever heard of an ISFJ pathological liar? Any helpful hints/tips? She is so unhealthy in so many ways. She's way too stubborn, constantly changing her mind with serious issues, panicky, always has anxiety attacks, paranoid, controlling, WAY too clingy smothering Dan, always thinks the worst, & always tells these dramatic elaborate stories that don't fit whatsoever & ruining people's lives with it all. I'm sure she has more issues than being a pathological liar. She is 1 of the most negative people I have ever met. I guess I created this thread to see if there was a chance anyone has dealt with anything like this & to vent. THANX.


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## R22 (Aug 16, 2009)

Well I would say definitely keep your boundaries, the more rigid the better. Be careful not to get too caught up in her dramas. There is a techinque called 'medium chill' that was discussed on forums a while back (I don't think it's an 'official' term), but basically what you do is when interacting with the person is you can be friendly, but not _too_ friendly. Also don't share a lot of personal information (which will more than likely be used against you down the road). You didn't cause her problems, you can't control her behavior, but you can control how involved you get and your own reactions. Good luck!


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## StElmosDream (May 26, 2012)

Distance yourselves emotionally (stay very surface level) and she will most likely increase her 'attention seeking' until it is truly noticeable for your friend... not much to add, sometimes people won't let the scales drop until they truly must( self deceptions-preservation against looking further ahead).


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## dann (Feb 11, 2012)

Ive had the misfortune of having to deal with one. Cut them out of your life; they're a headache


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## KateMarie999 (Dec 20, 2011)

I had to deal with one for a while (I'm not sure he's officially a pathological liar but he has lied about quite a bit). I'd agree with some of the others, cut her out of your life. You can't be sure whether anything she says is true. If you can't trust her, you can't really be friends with her. I'm not sure how to deal with your friend though.


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## Steamgirl (Oct 21, 2011)

I would encourage your friend to break up with her. That relationship seems way too unhealthy for it not to harm him. If he insists on staying with her, you can only try not to take what she says seriously. Don't let her drive a wedge between your friendships!

I really hope things get better.


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## WickedQueen (Jun 1, 2009)

My INFJ best friend was a big liar. She was very unhealthy at that time and has many insecurity issues. She, too, had tried to isolated me from my friends so that I would only have her as my friend, yet at the same time she also tried to make me insecure and not confident about myself.

For about 6 months, I pretended that I was dumb and clueless about all her lies, while secretly collecting evidence as well as recording her words and double-check them. I then wrote a long letter to her, basically summarizing all my evidence, analyzing it based on some psychology theories and sources, and wrote long list of suggestions to her. I also told her that I won't let her get away with it, she can't continue living like that, and I will protect other people from her.

I waited until I get the right time to confront her about her behavior. I brought her to my place and locked the door. There were just the 2 of us. Then I started to confronted her, tearing her apart with my tongue, pushed her to her lowest confident, told her that I will no longer tolerate her behavior, and gave her the choice between seeking professional help or being humiliated by me in public to the point that nobody will trust her ever again.

She cried and started telling me melodramatic stories about her life. I pushed her back by giving examples of other people who suffer worst than her, yet they still managed to live a good life as good individuals. I told her that her miseries in life aren't excuses to choose the bad ways of living and hurting other people, while at the same time trying to make herself looks like the victim.

I left her the next day after send her my letter. She disappeared for 3 years. We met again at a reunion gathering. She approached me first. I saw that she was much healthier, so I forgave her and we become best friends again.


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## Coyote (Jan 24, 2012)

WickedQueen said:


> My INFJ best friend was a big liar. She was very unhealthy at that time and has many insecurity issues. She, too, had tried to isolated me from my friends so that I would only have her as my friend, yet at the same time she also tried to make me insecure and not confident about myself.
> 
> For about 6 months, I pretended that I was dumb and clueless about all her lies, while secretly collecting evidence as well as recording her words and double-check them. I then wrote a long letter to her, basically summarizing all my evidence, analyzing it based on some psychology theories and sources, and wrote long list of suggestions to her. I also told her that I won't let her get away with it, she can't continue living like that, and I will protect other people from her.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry for getting off-topic, but I've gotta say: This mighty display of Te amuses and scares me in equal amounts. :laughing:


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## Master Mind (Aug 15, 2011)

dann said:


> Ive had the misfortune of having to deal with one. Cut them out of your life; they're a headache


This. I don't understand why some people find it hard to simply eliminate detrimental people from their lives. Think of it as the human equivalent of pruning.


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## Destiny Lund (Sep 2, 2011)

WickedQueen said:


> My INFJ best friend was a big liar. She was very unhealthy at that time and has many insecurity issues. She, too, had tried to isolated me from my friends so that I would only have her as my friend, yet at the same time she also tried to make me insecure and not confident about myself.
> 
> For about 6 months, I pretended that I was dumb and clueless about all her lies, while secretly collecting evidence as well as recording her words and double-check them. I then wrote a long letter to her, basically summarizing all my evidence, analyzing it based on some psychology theories and sources, and wrote long list of suggestions to her. I also told her that I won't let her get away with it, she can't continue living like that, and I will protect other people from her.
> 
> ...


WOW! Amazing story! Looks like you both are very strong individuals in the end.


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## Destiny Lund (Sep 2, 2011)

Master Mind said:


> This. I don't understand why some people find it hard to simply eliminate detrimental people from their lives. Think of it as the human equivalent of pruning.


It's not difficult for me to do this with anybody else, in the least, it's our best friend's S.O. though, so it is VERY difficult.


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## Razare (Apr 21, 2009)

Destiny Lund said:


> Mine & my husband's best friend Dan(INFP, well-developed T) has been dating an ISFJ girl. We recently found out through some unfortunate events that she's a pathological liar(we're 99.99% sure, nothing else fits). I know she's an ISFJ(an unhealthy one at that), I could bet my life she's a 6w7. He's having trouble leaving her & is clinging on to the .01% of hope that she's not insane & a pathological liar. She's been bringing us all down with so much of her drama, her manipulations, & guilt trips- trying to tear our friendships apart & keep Dan all to herself. I have never dealt with a pathological liar, let alone an ISFJ one. Has anyone else dealt with a pathological liar? Have you ever heard of an ISFJ pathological liar?


I'm about 80% sure, she's actually an ISFP. ISFJ's have a harder time being complete liars because generally, their SJ forces them to conform to society's rules. ISFJ's tend to bend their worldview rather than lie... like they'll actually believe the BS they're trying to tell, as opposed to secretly knowing its a lie. ISFP's are more likely to just tell a plain lie and know it's a lie, but if in their mind telling the lie averts some personal harm to them (whether imagined o real), then they'll do it unless their moral fiber is rather strong.

The average ISFP isn't that artsy, unless they work on developing that side of themselves. They're introverted and very family/relationship focused, usually. This down to earth family focus that many have can cause them to be mistaken for ISFJ's pretty easily.

So I had an ISFP-ex who was probably a pathological liar... I'm not really sure, after the fact, I can't really sort out what was lies and what was truth. I don't really care to. 

How do you deal with it? He needs to get his heart broken by her.

Thing about a pathological lying ISFP, is that she's unhealthy, so the relationship will fall apart on her accord even if he tries to stick with her. Unhealthy ISFP's hop from relationship to relationship... In my case, her pathological lieing was probably the result of the fear she had that I would dump her. Well, I never did dump her... but after she realized that, she got bored with me and left me for someone who might dump her, since drama is what she thrives on.

It all works its course in time.


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## donkeybals (Jan 13, 2011)

Razare said:


> I'm about 80% sure, she's actually an ISFP. ISFJ's have a harder time being complete liars because generally, their SJ forces them to conform to society's rules. ISFJ's tend to bend their worldview rather than lie... like they'll actually believe the BS they're trying to tell, as opposed to secretly knowing its a lie. ISFP's are more likely to just tell a plain lie and know it's a lie, but if in their mind telling the lie averts some personal harm to them (whether imagined o real), then they'll do it unless their moral fiber is rather strong.
> 
> The average ISFP isn't that artsy, unless they work on developing that side of themselves. They're introverted and very family/relationship focused, usually. This down to earth family focus that many have can cause them to be mistaken for ISFJ's pretty easily.
> 
> ...


^^ That's really good insight. Never thought about it that way, and I agree, one isfj I know has a big urge to "play by the rules". Same goes for istjs. Maybe a Si DOM thing. 

I can definitely see an isfp lying over an isfj. This happend a long time ago, but one isfp found it just to steal a pack of my cigarettes, because her view of me was not very high and she was mad at me. So apparently they don't find a problem with "doing wrong" to people if they find a way to justify it internally.


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## Destiny Lund (Sep 2, 2011)

Razare said:


> I'm about 80% sure, she's actually an ISFP. ISFJ's have a harder time being complete liars because generally, their SJ forces them to conform to society's rules. ISFJ's tend to bend their worldview rather than lie... like they'll actually believe the BS they're trying to tell, as opposed to secretly knowing its a lie. ISFP's are more likely to just tell a plain lie and know it's a lie, but if in their mind telling the lie averts some personal harm to them (whether imagined o real), then they'll do it unless their moral fiber is rather strong.
> 
> The average ISFP isn't that artsy, unless they work on developing that side of themselves. They're introverted and very family/relationship focused, usually. This down to earth family focus that many have can cause them to be mistaken for ISFJ's pretty easily.
> 
> ...


She's most definitely an ISFJ. Introverted Feeling definitely is not a strength of hers, introverted sensing is her primary & she doesn't really fit with any other description like ISFJ. Disorders/mental illnesses don't choose certain personalities, any personality can have them. She seems to get VERY involved with her stories, I don't think she realizes what she's doing 1/2 the time, but I can't say for sure. Thanks for your story, helps me feel like we're not alone. I've just never heard anybody's personal experience with a pathological liar before. I don't think it's that common, LOL! This girl I'm talking about doesn't hop from relationship to relationship, she's loyal, TOO loyal. She's scarily clingy & controlling. Sucks he's gonna have to get his heart broken again. :-( 
I'm sorry for what happened to you. Just remember, you only came out of it stronger.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

Destiny Lund said:


> Mine & my husband's best friend Dan(INFP, well-developed T) has been dating an ISFJ girl. We recently found out through some unfortunate events that she's a pathological liar(we're 99.99% sure, nothing else fits). I know she's an ISFJ(an unhealthy one at that), I could bet my life she's a 6w7. He's having trouble leaving her & is clinging on to the .01% of hope that she's not insane & a pathological liar. She's been bringing us all down with so much of her drama, her manipulations, & guilt trips- trying to tear our friendships apart & keep Dan all to herself. I have never dealt with a pathological liar, let alone an ISFJ one. Has anyone else dealt with a pathological liar? Have you ever heard of an ISFJ pathological liar? Any helpful hints/tips? She is so unhealthy in so many ways. She's way too stubborn, constantly changing her mind with serious issues, panicky, always has anxiety attacks, paranoid, controlling, WAY too clingy smothering Dan, always thinks the worst, & always tells these dramatic elaborate stories that don't fit whatsoever & ruining people's lives with it all. I'm sure she has more issues than being a pathological liar. She is 1 of the most negative people I have ever met. I guess I created this thread to see if there was a chance anyone has dealt with anything like this & to vent. THANX.


The best way to deal with a pathological liar is *not to*.


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## 1whoseeswithoutbeingseen (May 2, 2017)

Razare said:


> I'm about 80% sure, she's actually an ISFP. ISFJ's have a harder time being complete liars because generally, their SJ forces them to conform to society's rules. ISFJ's tend to bend their worldview rather than lie... like they'll actually believe the BS they're trying to tell, as opposed to secretly knowing its a lie. ISFP's are more likely to just tell a plain lie and know it's a lie, but if in their mind telling the lie averts some personal harm to them (whether imagined o real), then they'll do it unless their moral fiber is rather strong.


Well, 

1) there are thousands of societally-approved lies ISFJs can tell, without feeling bad at all

2) There are hundreds of societally-encouraged lies ISFJs can tell, and get a boost to their self-esteem (something that seems to be their primary need in life, permanently)

You say "bend their worldview rather than lie" as if it were two different things. 
Someone immune to the delusions that keep society running will be hated by these people.
Meaning that the list of truths you can't tell to them is longer than the list you can't tell to people generically.

3) They are the most likely type to suffer from serious, mind-warping insecurity and inferiority complexes. 
This, of course, originates a need for delusions, and, again, self-lying + lying.


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## dulcinea (Aug 22, 2011)

I hope I'm not being too blunt, but I don't think her type really has anything to do with the situation. Being a pathological liar and manipulative person doesn't spring from a person's personality, but from a pathology. It stems from either narcissistic or anti-social tendencies.

If she's as bad as you say she is, you need to have a talk with Dan. If he's considering marrying this trick, that could lead to a whole world of bad things. I've met so many women like this. They're not all that different, and they seldom change, if ever. The thing about society we all need to realize is that, at least in the West, we live in a world where women are continually rewarded for anti-social behavior. This person in particular, likely feels that she gets rewarded for it, and as long as she does, she will have no reason to want to stop. If this guy is continually kind to her and continues to put up with her crap, she'll only end up getting worse over time.


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## MereHuman (May 4, 2013)

It boils down to if you want to help her. If no, then cut ties with her or simply never trust a word she says. If yes, then do what WickedQueen did. I foresee it to be the only strategy to help a pathological liar.


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## pilgrim_12 (Aug 18, 2012)

Do you really need friends who bring drama into your life? Get rid of the friend and/or start treating him with "medium chill". Your problem isn't the girlfriend of a friend. It's the friend. You don't have a right to tell anyone whom to date or try breaking them up or pushing them together. Either, any is manipulation and control. Check the mirror.

"pathological liar" is a diagnosis best reserved for the learned and experienced. Those types of things are discouraged here at perc.


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## Index (May 17, 2017)

Honesty is key in friendships and especially relationships, so clearly she doesn't belong. Your friend is probably attached to what she provides (not actually her as a person) and doesn't realise it, that's why he can't let go. But surely he can't let her complete lack of respect slide forever, right?


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