# Is a relationship really necessary for happiness is life?



## ENFPathetic (Apr 3, 2018)

Hexcoder said:


> It really depends on who you ask. Personally, I'm not someone who sees a typical relationship as something desirable.
> 
> EDIT:
> And yes, I have had relationships with good people. I just don't want the intimacy, I prefer being alone.


Makes sense. In all my years of dating, I've never met someone who didn't want intimacy. I can see how it would be hard to find someone compatible with your needs. Well, I suppose that answers my question perfectly. You can't do being alone better with a partner.

Are there any forms of intimacy that you enjoy? Like, emotional or intellectual intimacy?


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## DOGSOUP (Jan 29, 2016)

ENFPathetic said:


> Lmao. I just watched that. My favourite part was when he put the dog bowl on the floor and started to chow down.


I like how the good doctor lowkey tries to shame him at first but finds it is so beyond him that he has to basically go 'if thats what you wanna do so be it'


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## ENFPathetic (Apr 3, 2018)

DOGSOUP said:


> I like how the good doctor lowkey tries to shame him at first but finds it is so beyond him that he has to basically go 'if thats what you wanna do so be it'


I noticed that. He mentioned to him that he was missing out on life, and dude was like "Yeah I know. It's a shame, but I have to compromise and do some human shit every now and again". Dr Phil was not ready for this dude lol.


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## Squirt (Jun 2, 2017)

Monasteries are a good case study for this question... along with other religious celibacy traditions.

I am not religious, but I would not be very bothered by such a lifestyle, to be honest... especially in monasteries that support scholarship/service/invention, like Benedictines.

Mother Noella and the Abbey of Regina Laudis is pretty badass.

Mother Noella, the "Cheese Nun" - YouTube



DOGSOUP said:


> I like how the good doctor lowkey tries to shame him at first but finds it is so beyond him that he has to basically go 'if thats what you wanna do so be it'


That guy is living his best dog life. 

Why couldn't a doggie person have a puppy love?

One of our local radio stations had a "what is your weirdest dating experience" call-in request, and spoke with a guy who dated "Minnie Mouse" - a woman who lived every day in the polka-dot dress, big gloves, ears, spoke in a high pitch voice, everything. He said she broke up with him at his job. She showed up unannounced at his office, and when he acted embarrassed she slapped him with her oversized gloved hand, said he didn't respect her and stormed out in front of everyone. Now that's drama.


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## ENFPathetic (Apr 3, 2018)

Squirt said:


> One of our local radio stations had a "what is your weirdest dating experience" call-in request, and spoke with a guy who dated "Minnie Mouse" - a woman who lived every day in the polka-dot dress, big gloves, ears, spoke in a high pitch voice, everything. He said she broke up with him at his job. She showed up unannounced at his office, and when he acted embarrassed she slapped him with her oversized gloved hand, said he didn't respect her and stormed out in front of everyone. Now that's drama.


Wow that's one of the most interesting things I've heard all year. I envy his colleagues lol.


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## Meliodas (Nov 16, 2016)

While a romantic/sexual relationship is not as strictly necessary (in a physical sense) as food, water and shelter are, it still speaks to our other instinctual imperative, which is to reproduce. As such, I think that being deprived of such a relationship causes existential angst for many people. It awakes their fear of death, of being swept behind by fate without a concrete legacy. After all, to reproduce is a form of immortality in many respects. People who have remained childless into old age often feel a deep sense of regret, despite the extent to which a single life is promoted in popular culture.

From a purely social perspective, romance has become more important for happiness in recent years due to the decline of alternative sources of intimacy for people. Urbanisation has led to weaker, more fragmented communities. We often move a significant distance from our place of birth to find work. The nuclear family model - with a mother and father both present - is also in decline, as is religious affiliation. 

Therefore, I can understand why people increasingly look to a sexual partner for emotional fulfilment. Unfortunately, this leads us to have far higher standards for a potential partner compared to our parents and grandparents. This puts a great deal of pressure on both parties and I think goes some way towards explaining our high rates of divorce. Men, in particular, frequently have no emotional outlet outside of a relationship, as there is no other place willing to receive them with warmth and comfort.


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## SgtPepper (Nov 22, 2016)

no. but mostly depends on the individual.


remember, evolution weeds out those who don't feel they need it. so it isn't much of a choice. but of course there are anomalies just like with everything.


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## B3LIAL (Dec 21, 2013)

ENFPathetic said:


> It's the levels man. Let's put happiness on a scale of -10 to +10. Maybe there's people who can max out that happiness on their own.
> 
> What a woman does for a man(and vice versa) is she increases the capacity of that scale. It's not -10 to +10 anymore, it's -100 to +100. A romantic partner can make you 10 times as happy or 10 times as miserable, sometimes simultaneously.
> 
> *No one who has been in a good relationship can remain satisfied with being single after the fact*. It's only people who have been unlucky with lackluster relationships that are "single and happy", simply because they can't miss what they've never had.


Maybe you're right, but that sounds like a big assumption there. Perhaps it's because you've never be able to generate that level of happiness on your own?

What about the happiness that someone's passionate/interests bring them when they full connect to it?

The euphoria that someone can generate for themselves if they connect to something they love to do and stick to it long term?

Like I said, maybe you're right, but the negative of being in relationships right from a young age is that you are less likely to learn how to self-generate happiness.


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## Inkling considered INFJ (May 20, 2016)

This is a really interesting question, I saw it yesterday and today I thought I might answer as well to this.

To me relationships are important, because they are the primary source of how I teach things to myself and learn things by others. I had a mindset for a long time in my life that a romantic relationship is necessary to lead a happy live. So wrong I were. Because of that mindset I did put people on a pedestal and landed in really weird and toxic friendships, even with emotional abuse. I did put so much meaning to a relationship without me seeing how it destroys me (in case of that friendship with a covert narc). That was one thing I learned through a friendship (creating boundaries, the importance of self care).

I am pretty much a loner, never was in a relationship in my life till now and slowly I start getting content with being alone because I don't fight this aloneness anymore and start to make good things out of it. Do I still sometimes long for a relationship? Yes. Am I even sometimes jealous of my friends having wonderful relationships? Yup. I think these are indicators for being human. So to conclude it. Relationships are the cherry on top of that cake called life. You can gain much wisdom out of them and I think one should be grateful for having someone to love.


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## ENTJudgement (Oct 6, 2013)

B3LIAL said:


> Or is it that most people are dependent on them/don't know how to make themselves happy on their own?
> 
> I mean romantic relationships, not friends.


Obviously not, but biologically for the majority of people the answer is yes because;
Those who did not procreate was unable to pass their genetics, way of life or experience to the next generation through the next of kin relationship and back in the olden days, women being child bearers and housewives were the norm meaning they would expect the husband to marry her before she would agree to have sex with you which is necessary for procreation.
So biologically, unless you're a mutation, would have a strong bias to be in a relationship.

However, not everyone is in a position to be in a relationship, some are undesirable, some just live too remotely, some are too antisocial, some are mentally ill/disabled or has something wrong with them that the norm don't like, the list goes on. 

Humans are flexible/adaptable animals meaning if you are single for a long enough period of time, you'll simply adapt to your environment and as you get older and your libido drops, you'll notice that just having good friends could be enough.


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## DOGSOUP (Jan 29, 2016)

Squirt said:


> Monasteries are a good case study for this question... along with other religious celibacy traditions.
> 
> I am not religious, but I would not be very bothered by such a lifestyle, to be honest... especially in monasteries that support scholarship/service/invention, like Benedictines.
> 
> ...


that would actually be the dream. I really wanted to join one when I was a teenager. 



> Why couldn't a doggie person have a puppy love?


it's possible, I think more people are into that sorta stuff than dr phil realizes 



> with her oversized gloved hand


& that's nightmare inducing


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## Whatexists (Jul 26, 2015)

I can't speak for others but I don't have one, haven't had one in 10 years, and am quite happy. I'm not even asexual or aromantic. I have a close intimate (emotionally) friends group that's basically like a family and I get all of my desire for intimacy met through plutonic relationships. The longer you go without having sex with a partner, and the less you fantasize about real people, the easier it is to be satisfied without a partner on that front. And honestly, the desire for romance can be satisfied on your own with yourself as well. 

Meaning in my life comes from sources other then romance or procreation, such as my work as an indie game developer, my plutonic friendships, and (most importantly) my internal creative exploration and development of my own headspace. I've gotten to the point where I don't really have room for a romantic relationship in my life, and I'm not really willing to make the changes necessary to make room or acquire one as those would involve sacrificing things that bring me more joy and meaning then romantic or sexual pursuits ever have.


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## Eu_citzen (Jan 18, 2018)

I'd say, no. It's not necessary, though it may (or may not) be enriching to one's life.
I believe happiness to be a sliding scale, where many factors can take you up or down a notch.

Where I'm now, I'm overall happy.
And I'd only really consider a relationship if it somehow enriches my life further, at this point.


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## ENFPathetic (Apr 3, 2018)

B3LIAL said:


> Maybe you're right, but that sounds like a big assumption there. Perhaps it's because you've never be able to generate that level of happiness on your own?
> 
> What about the happiness that someone's passionate/interests bring them when they full connect to it?
> 
> ...


I agree with your last sentence. Young people in general are terrible at relationships. And you certainly have a point. Life is about balance. A single person has to balance their needs and interests with the time and energy they have. A person in a relationship has to balance their needs and interests alongside the needs and interests of another person. Young people in general don't know how to balance their own life, let alone a relationship which consists of two lives.

Now speaking on passions/interests. Yes, they can bring a person joy, but they can also bring a person misery. It mostly depends on how skilled the individual is at balancing their needs and interests vs their time and energy. Let's assume you are someone who is very skilled at this and you manage to draw maximum joy and satisfaction from your interests. If you get into a relationship, all a good partner would have to do is stay out of your way and respect your interests and you will continue to draw maximum joy and satisfaction. They could encourage and support you when you're struggling, celebrate you when you're succeeding, comfort you when you're failing/injured and I would bet that in such a relationship, you will reach the highs of joy and satisfaction more consistently than you would on your own. But again, they could just stay out of the way and you won't be any worse off.


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## SoSaysSunny (Oct 24, 2009)

*On the Necessity of Romantic Relationships for Happiness in Life*



B3LIAL said:


> Is a relationship really necessary for happiness is life?
> Or is it that most people are dependent on them/don't know how to make themselves happy on their own?
> I mean romantic relationships, not friends.


I think it actually comes down to the *Facebook effect*: 
You only ever see the good parts of other folks' life / relationships ...
so it looks really desirable 
(whether single or committed)
and makes your own life look unremarkable or dismal.
** sigh **

The grass is always greener on the other side.


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## Eren Jaegerbomb (Nov 13, 2015)

It probably depends on the person.

Everyone needs love, but if somebody is satisfied enough with the platonic love they get from their friends and family that can make some people happy enough.

I like the _*idea*_ of a romantic relationship, but in reality, I don't know if I could handle it.

I am one of those people that need intimacy though. And my friendships are always fleeting. So I always have this nipping loneliness at the back of my mind. Not that I feel lonely all the time, but as a state of being, I am lonely.

If that makes any sense at all..


Ah, people need intimacy. So platonic or romantic relationships can fulfill that.

For the more sensual people, that might be hard for them if they crave physical touch.


Yes while people say they like to be alone, myself included at times, we all have friends, family, co-workers, so yes we need relationships or social interaction to thrive. Even survival, as people can commit suicide from loneliness, it's happened. Or just go mad.

If you mean romantic relationships.
It really depends. Some people live happy lives without them, some need more. For myself, I need physical touch too, and it's actually affecting me mentally and emotionally that I don't often receive it, or never have received it from a man, so yeah. That's gonna be difficult. I hope I can find somebody to marry someday. If not well... Weelll I've lived without sexual intimacy so far, so no reason why I can't for 20/30/40 more years.

Yeah I know that just contradicts what I said earlier if I'm not sure about relationships.

Anyway uh.

Geez I hope I don't sound like an incel because I assure you I am definitely not one of those people.  Those people are nuts. Honestly, I know that if I haven't found someone, I _know_ _*I'm*_ the problem and I obviously need to fix certain things about myself. And obviously I'm not going to find somebody if I don't go out to places. Those people aren't ever aware of that...


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## Tripwire_Desire (Jul 8, 2017)

2 decades ago, I used to think that being in a "relationship" was the be-all/end-all. Now, having cut ties with everyone from my past and becoming a recluse, my "philosophy" on the matter has changed completely. My biggest problem before was putting other people's wants before the needs of my very own. And as an ISFJ, I did what I could to "help" others; regardless of whether or not I was burnt out myself. Now, it doesn't bother me in the slightest that I'm not in a relationship. It doesn't define me or what I stand for these days. And to be perfectly honest, very little does anymore.


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## Dezir (Nov 25, 2013)

B3LIAL said:


> Or is it that most people are dependent on them/don't know how to make themselves happy on their own?
> 
> I mean romantic relationships, not friends.


I tend towards yes. You can have a happy life without a relationship. But a healthy relationship is a great source of happiness. Notice I said healthy. Some relationship can do less good than they are trying to give.

When it comes to finding the perfect relationship, I don't believe in destiny, I think that what you do is what you get. And yes, life should be fair, but life isn't fair, and we have to make the most of it. In this sense, I don't think there is pre-destined love or love that just happens, if it happens, it's because you or her already have the attractive qualities I am talking about without being aware of it, but for most people, you got to make her fall in love with you.

One of them is clearly looks, the hotter you look the better, another is your social standing, your image and reputation matter, another one is how colorful is your personality, whether you are happy and energetic and silly, because we tend to radiate these qualities and influence the mood of other people. Another one is how autonomous and independent, how willing you are to be honest about your interests and tastes, because there are people trying to assume they have the same tastes as their crush, I think this is counter-productive, on one hand, it's fake, it shows a lack of autonomy, independence, that you don't have your own choices, your own desires. On the other hand, you don't have to be exact copies of each other to get along and have a good time with each other. And I think you have to be interested but not out in the open, not sneaky but not everything on the face, dropping hints. Take it slowly, don't reveal your feelings early.

Someone who pretends to be uninterested, someone who is rather cold and aloof and doesn't seem to hate us or be disrespectful but at the same time not longing to be with us every single time, not dedicated to us, like they like you but wouldn't go the extra mile to take a seat next to you, it can be attractive for this very reason. But at the same time, you need to talk to her if you want to actually get to know her, you can't be both talking and uninterested. Try to talk to her and have a good time with her initially, you are having a friendly conversation rather than a dating interest one, it allows both of you to be more relaxed. You have to take it slowly, don't ask for a date until you're mildly familiar with each other, until then, just take initiative to talk to her. Have courage to take action, courage is guts but respectful, taking into account other people's feelings. You can also show her how you feel with gestures rather than words, I think gestures have a bigger impact than words. It truly shows care and specific interest in her more than words could. When you ask for a date, it becomes rather clear that you are interested, but again, don't tell her how you feel until you are even more familiar with each other, when you think that she's ready, ask her to be your girlfriend, afterwards telling her how you feel is safe game, but don't exaggerate with it once every 2 hours. If she opens up first, the worst thing you can do is "play it cool", don't play it cool, reciprocate her feelings, it's devastating to open up to someone only for that person to act cold, she will probably hate you for this.

That is one facet of it anyway, the hot, cool, colorful, happy, energetic, silly, autonomous, honest, not completely interested, say things indirectly way. But there is another facet of this, the opposite. The trusting, empathetic, caring, romantic way. But these qualities are not exclusive, you can be polite and respectful yet with initiative and nerve at the same time, you can be like "can I come to your place?" or "I want to kiss you", and insist again, but if you see that no is a no then leave her alone. You ask for permission, so it's polite, but at the same time make a pushing move, so it counts as having nerve. It's good to have nerve but the polite and appropiate kind of nerve, this sometimes implies conflict, but so what? it's your life, nerve in the limit of common sense.

Trying to help the other person would make them trust you. Someone of good character, who treats people right, is considerate about the way others feel, is not pretentious or sophisticated, with you I can talk normally and have a casual conversation. Someone who has a generally positive attitude, not being a complainer. Someone with sensitivity, with value for love, for the feeling itself, for being there for one another. Love in the traditional sense, with romance and care, there are still people who value that.

There are also women who aren't interested in this, but women who are are quite a catch, a keeper. People want to know you care about them, people want to be cared for, that's what love is and how they know you're a keeper. People looking for deep connections want someone to be in it for them, not their looks and cars. Women being loved for their looks is the equivalent of men being loved for their money. Sure, they would appreciate being liked for their looks, but that's not enough. They want to be loved for the person they are, not for the body they have.

Probably the most romantic thing ever is intimacy. Not buying 1000 flowers, but being able to be yourself around the other person, being able to share your more secret thoughts and desires. As well as showing care, because at the end of the day, this is what love is, care. It's very comforting to know that someone cares about you. And not caring about your looks, but caring about the person you are, caring that you feel good, wanting the best for you.

Humans are first and foremost not a rational creature. You'll find that often people who give compliments, reasonable not exaggerated compliments, tend to light the mood around them. And that people who have a nice attitude towards you make you want to have a nice attitude towards them in return.

There are more types of attraction. If we are talking about physical attraction, you can be attracted to 10.000 people despite loving only one, physical attraction has no depth to it. Show a picture of a hot woman/man and the vast majority of men/women will feel attracted whether they are single or married for 10 years.

When it comes to attraction on a personal level, you like the person not necessarly the body or the looks. I think that is the time to question whether you really love to begin with. Of course and obivously you can like someone in a friendly way, you don't have to never speak with other men/women if you're a woman/man in a relationship, but I'm not talking about attraction in a friendly way, like "he's cool", you like the person, but like them on a personal level, you would want to be in a relationship with them and have them close to you.

Being interested in personal development can also be attractive. Someone who keeps growing and is interested to keep growing. Either in working out, learning a new language, getting a new skill, learning for a new job. It's that mindset of growth that makes a person attractive. Probably because their future seems certain, stable and bright, or maybe they are in inspiration. You got to take care of yourself. It's your job to get good, to impress yourself. To aim to improve yourself, to become better. Even when you don't feel like it, knowing that, in the long-term it will worth it. You need determination and commitment. To win the game of life.

It's good to have guts, initiative, confidence and dignity in life. When someone challenges you, you need to learn to give good replies so that you win the talk fight, to have good comebacks. If you don't have initiative, you will lose a lot of opportunities in life. And if you always avoid conflict, you will end up being used. Even if it's not your natural state, sometimes you have to have a little guts. I think moral people appreciate that. Being more confident and with initiative is not the opposite of being a better person with good morals.

When people are dating, they want to impress the other person, they put on their best behavior and try to be as charming as possible. This is also attractive, putting on your best behavior because you want to impress. The bad will be inevitably revealed later, on both sides. It can either help people grow a closer bonds now that they know their flaws, make them love each other even more and support each other in spite of them. Or irritate them and find them annoying at the other, but I think it's crucial to start out with your best behavior and try to impress in the initial stages of getting to know each other, for there are other options out there, who are trying to do the same thing, if you don't, you start in disadvantage.

We all have ideal images about someone we like but don't quite know well. We know them, but not their flaws. And we don't know how their flaws interact with our flaws. People are on their best behavior when they met for the first times. They are very polite, very careful with each other, very considerate, always or often do what the other person says, because they like that person. But eventually, that first times best behavior image won't last.

People will slowly but surely drift into their normal routine, with good and bad. It's there that a relationship is truly tested, not in the ideal image stage. But even the ideal image has some merits, because there are some qualities about that person that truly are real and make that ideal image possible. And as we get used to the relationship the time when we please each other with everything because we like each other so much slowly but surely drifts away, and we become our normal routine selves as we get more familiar. This is not a bad thing, it's the natural evolution stage of a relationship, after all, a relationship is a relationship between two people, not between two ideal images.

I'm no fan of a girl just because she's hot. Instead, I would like to have a deep connection that is not about looks, someone who cares about me, someone who is interested in them and not their looks or my possessions. There are also people who love the opposite as well and you don't have to be a brute to get them: depth, sensitivty, care, expression of feelings, people who love the feeling itself of being there for one another. Shock him with your kindness, discression and desire to help him, and he will begin to trust you. When he will begin to trust you, he will open up.

So, to make a summary, I think attraction is all of that, well, not having everything, but having some of them combined. One facet of it is being hot, cool, colorful, happy, energetic, silly, autonomous, honest, not completely interested, say things indirectly way. Another facet is being trusting, empathetic, caring, romantic, intimate, helpful, of good character, sensitivity and value for love, the feeling itself of being there for one another, interested in personal development, growth, the best behavior at the beginning, the ideal image we form about the other person, the desire for a trusting deep connection with care and romance. I think these are the things that makes one attractive.


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## ai.tran.75 (Feb 26, 2014)

No I don’t think so . I mean it’s a plus to have a partner that is your bff but I don’t think it’s necessary. I would’ve done fine being single for the rest of my life . I never quite get people who idealize relationship or dream up of marriage or finding the one. 
With that said it’ll be a lie if I were to say that I’m not happy with my istp partner of 16 years - however I think this is mainly due to the fact that we are best friend and communicate well . 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Dezir (Nov 25, 2013)

ai.tran.75 said:


> No I don’t think so. I mean it’s a plus to have a partner that is your bff but I don’t think it’s necessary. I would’ve done fine being single for the rest of my life. I never quite get people who idealize relationship or dream up of marriage or finding the one.
> With that said it’ll be a lie if I were to say that I’m not happy with my istp partner of 16 years - however I think this is mainly due to the fact that we are best friend and communicate well


When you really like someone, you fall in love with their personality, the person they are. Looks matter, that's why the vast majority of people take care of their looks and image. We like people because they have certain qualities that makes us feel good around them. It's important to have a good attitude that would lift people up, we create good vibes around us. Not losing your morale no matter what. Bad things will happen, let's be realistic. But a good attitude where you don't fight against your true desires while being social and laughing and smiling. The _"don't lose hope" _kind of attitude.

A good character matters. Character is to treat people right, to take into account how other people feel. To have a good soul, want to help and appreciate what others do for you. Showing sensitivity is attractive. Someone caring, with nice gestures that will impress, that they feel good with and show that they want the best for them.

Being honest about the things you like and dislike, about your interests and tastes and opinions, is attractive. You can disagree respectfully without making a big fuss about it. Don't try to brag or seem different to impress her. Don't try to pretend you're someone you're not. And don't always follow pressure from other people. You don't have to insist on her. You just have to be great around her. Make yourself likeable by making the other person feel pleasant around you.

Attraction is not a choice, we don't choose who we love, we simply love because we feel like it. Attraction is a way of being. People that are calm and make others feel included are attractive. You can make her feel great by being caring, helping her and showing her that you're being there for her, by being funny, the goofy humor, making fun of situational things. Maintain your sense of individualism and dignity. Help her, make her feel great, but if you don't like something disagree if necessary, if you find something funny even about her point out the obvious as long as it's not something permanent.

If you know her from somewhere tell her that you saw her as what you have in common and talk about that thing. Or you can even text her and tell her after a few words _"hi, you're cute"_, _"I've noticed you and would like to get to know you"_. Or find a pretext to talk to her and next times you talk to her just asking her how she is doing and talk about the things she or you were doing. If you run out of subjects: personal stuff about school, work, friends, opinion on current events and find her interests. Or simply look around and talk about the first thing you see.

First ask her about her interests and talk about them until you find a match, and when you find a match of interests talk about them. Originally, you can be polite and informal, eventually, you will gradually become more open and honest with each other, it takes time to get to have confidence a person.

Originally, you can be polite and informal, saying: _"please"_, _"if possible"_, _"would you like to"_, _"thank you"_, _"excuse me if I bother you"_. It doesn't have to be a dry or unexpressive conversation, but a polite one with decency for start. Eventually, you will gradually become more open and honest with each other, it takes time to get to have confidence a person.

Perhaps the best thing to get from others is appreciation rather than respect. Look for people to appreciate you. That is what is important, to be appreciated by people. Please everyone, split yourself the best you can, without neglecting yourself. That will prove your reputation wrong and gain people's respect and admiration. Seek to be interested in people, go and talk to them, to make relationships, to communicate, to get interest from people if they know other people who could help you. Just do it. In life, we regret more the things we didn't do than the things we did. Take opportunities in life. If you don't make a move you will lose. Human relationships are pretty on the face, what you see is what you get. Make people feel seen.

Make sure your jokes are appropiate and in a controlled environment. Doing it in public would be called humiliation. Make fun of them once in a while, show that you're willing to challenge them, but don't make fun of them all the time. You can also make it clear that your goal is to have fun not to insult them, because people won't always tell you what they think.

It's good to be romantic and to please her but once you are already familiar with each other or already in a relationship. Doing that from the first date comes across as too much. Your behavior matters, be aware how other people react to your behavior. In life, you have to be sweet as a person, to appreciate and show appreciation.

Showing your dedicated attention to her giving specific gifts that are very particular to her. It shows special attention in her and it can really make people feel seen, your interest is specifically in her. Finding an unmet need and filling it in a way that has never been done before. Not only he filled one need in your life, but he made you feel understood. There's something very powerful about feeling understood. We would like people to understand us, not only date interests, but people in general.

It's not only the filling of the need itself which makes people happy to begin with. But the fact that it sends a message. A message like: "don't change a thing, you are perfect as you are. And my job, is to help the world recognize the perfection that I see". I like you just the way you are, I appreciate you just the way you are. It's not about trying to improve them, but about showing them that you appreciate them, and making it about them, not you.

Talk to them, and have one of those serious discussions about life, everyone has something that makes them unhappy. Going to great lengths to fill out one of their needs and make them happy is still an attractive move that signals care about the other person. We want someone who cares about us, not just says it, but means it, someone that we also like.


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## impulsenine (Oct 18, 2020)

Yes, of course it is necessary. 

You can't be completely happy if you don't have someone to give you her cold pillow when yours warms up.


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## ai.tran.75 (Feb 26, 2014)

Dezir said:


> When you really like someone, you fall in love with their personality, the person they are. Looks matter, that's why the vast majority of people take care of their looks and image. We like people because they have certain qualities that makes us feel good around them. It's important to have a good attitude that would lift people up, we create good vibes around us. Not losing your morale no matter what. Bad things will happen, let's be realistic. But a good attitude where you don't fight against your true desires while being social and laughing and smiling. The _"don't lose hope" _kind of attitude.
> 
> A good character matters. Character is to treat people right, to take into account how other people feel. To have a good soul, want to help and appreciate what others do for you. Showing sensitivity is attractive. Someone caring, with nice gestures that will impress, that they feel good with and show that they want the best for them.
> 
> ...


I’m confused - i’m not saying that i don’t agree with what you’ve written bc I do , but Im unsure how this correlates with my response 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Dezir (Nov 25, 2013)

ai.tran.75 said:


> I’m confused - i’m not saying that i don’t agree with what you’ve written bc I do , but Im unsure how this correlates with my response
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I wasn't contradicting you, but simply adding more over what you said. You said you are happy with your ISTP partner for 16 years, mainly due to the fact that you are best friends and communicate well. And I wanted to exemplify what a happy relationship is like. Because there are people going for shallow or superifical relationships as well, as opposed to ones where you are connected to the other person.

I think those shallow relationships can really make you unhappy, and are caused mostly by people having stereotypes about the other gender or not being able to connected with the other person themselves.

Not only an affective connection, but a communication connection, where you try to understand and empathize with the other person. They tend to objectify the other gender or think that the other gender is radically different from them, you have probably heard the _"all men want is sex"_, _"all men want is to use women"_ or _"all women want is money"_, _"all women want is an alpha male"_. There are shallow people on both sides, but then again, there are also people who aren't shallow on both sides that you can establish a connection with.

I find this aspect of relationships very interesting, because it's at the core of what it means to be a human. Ultimately, we are all seeking to be happy, and the greatest amount of happiness comes in my opinion from human connections, human relations, so you got to learn how to navigate them best if you want to be happy in life. Some people get there by luck or by change, the enviroment or education from their parents, other people don't and develop those toxic stereotypes and then genuinely wonder why they are forever alone, it's because they cannot build raport.

The opposite of superficiality is sensitivity, sensitivity can be beautiful, it takes sensitivity to understand the other person. You need this in life, because people won't always tell you what they think, out of shyness or decency.

On some level, the way we are seen by other people matters, it's important to be a seen as a decent and ultimately kind person, everybody plays this game of facade and persona, or at least most people. Politicians surely play it, but even in restricted enviroments such as at your work, you will find that people are very decent on the face with each other and look not to upset or bother the other person, because they want people to have a good opinion of them, they want to be appreciated.

On a larger note, also concerining the way we are seen by other people, nobody likes to make a fool out of himself, to have people have a bad opinion of you and so on. Sure, you can disagree with some people and it's okay if some people dislike you, but it's not okay if everybody dislikes you. 

But at the same time, you need to be disinhibated, able to express yourself without fear of being judged. For this, I think it's important to develop a genuinely good character, to cultivate kindness and decency in yourself. To be a kind and empathetic person but also open and expressive. There needs to be a balance between caring the way your character is seen by other people and having the freedom to be yourself.

On some level, you need to be a person that you can talk with. People won't always tell you what they think, out of shyness or decency. You need to be aware if you bother other people and if in all fairness you are the one who is the ahole in a certain situation. You need to be fairly and socially aware of your behavior.

You can make yourself likeable by being polite and respectful, being appropiate, connecting with people. You got to be a person who is able to feel itself how it makes other people feel. Because people won't tell you all the time when you've bothered them or made them feel bad. And they won't appreciate when you made them feel bad.

For example, people who brag all the time are not people that you can talk to. It's simply annoying to hear someone bragging and bragging all the time, they are unaware or unable to feel themselves how they make other people feel. And people won't give them feedback for this, because people rarely do, but they will avoid them nonetheless. You got to feel yourself how you make others feel because people won't always tell you on the face.

And with this I have again diverted a lot from the original subject, that doesn't mean I disagree with you, but I hope you can see how there's a correlation. If the way you are as a person is not okay, if you're unable to feel yourself how you make other people feel and can't establish a connection with people, either any people or people of the other gender, because you're too inconsiderate, you will end up being avoided by people and having bad relationships based on shallow reasons such as looks or physically strength.

Not that there's anything wrong with that, if you like it that way, go for that, but I think a relationship where you are able to understand the other person and to be connected with the other person is a lot more rewarding, to build raport.

Of course, understanding the other person is only half the part, you also have to be decent and try not to upset or bother the other person. This absolutely does not mean not standing up for yourself, but only stand up for yourself when in all fairness you are in the right, not when fairly speaking you are in the wrong. That's what makes the difference between an ahole and someone who just stands up for themselves, someone who makes other people have a hard time or someone who simply defends himself when he or she should rightfully do so because it's their right, context.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

Necessary? No. More interesting? Yes.


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## eeo (Aug 25, 2020)

Happiness is such a fleeting concept. It's exhausting trying to catch it and you can't keep it. So, no, relationships are not necessary for happiness because nothing can guarantee it anyway. Happiness shouldn't be attached to just one thing. Everybody's felt it in some way, so they know it exists. If you happen to stumble upon it again, enjoy it while it lasts.


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## Tripwire_Desire (Jul 8, 2017)

eeo said:


> Happiness is such a fleeting concept. *It's exhausting trying to catch it and you can't keep it*. So, no, relationships are not necessary for happiness because nothing can guarantee it anyway. Happiness shouldn't be attached to just one thing. Everybody's felt it in some way, so they know it exists. If you happen to stumble upon it again, enjoy it while it lasts.


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## MsMojiMoe (Apr 7, 2021)

For me, no, I wasn’t happy until I finally stop listening to everyone that I need to be with someone. I resent ppl who push this on everyone, I mean why do ppl think what is good for them, it HAS to be good for everyone, leave us alone. Finally I realize we are not all the same or have the same needs and don’t all have the same calling in life. Now, I don’t put that pressure on me and so much happier.


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## Rivaloo (Nov 19, 2021)

we've all been happy with out them tbh, and we'd all be happy with them too - I mean we entered this world alone and we'll exit it alone cause no one else is quite literally 'in' you're skin/mind/soul.

People come and go, you're really only setting you're self up to come from a place of need in my opinion. but out side of the romantic spectrum I think we do quite literally need people in some small way in our lives to feel human our selves otherwise we end up going insane lmao

So naw romance isnt a need altho its nice, but yeah, we kinda need people in general so it's easy to conflate a general sense of friends/community with some one who you can get further intimate with... and with today's hookup culture it seems like here today and gone tomorrow is most peoples answer to filling the void of the whole craving for intimacy :v


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## Crowbo (Jul 9, 2017)

No


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## Sily (Oct 24, 2008)

Not necessary.

But for me -- it really helped.

I'm sure for _some_, it can be pure hell, hence, Divorce-ville. Divorce-ville, a city populated with many attorneys.


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

It's individual dependent, albeit the conventional wisdumb is that people can't be happy without one. For some reason, people have tied the ability to 'get' a relationship with their egos. Weird.


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## Not Emily (Nov 9, 2021)

I think positive relationships of some type are necessary for good mental health, but they don't have to be romantic. If I didn't have any family maybe I'd be more focused on starting my own one day.


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## Whatexists (Jul 26, 2015)

There are plenty of hermits in the world. And by plenty I mean a few. Human's certainly evolved to be social but there are certainly outliers who are most comfortable on their own without social contact, sometimes of any kind. The book "The Stranger in the Woods" is an interesting biography on such an individual. But for most people positive social relationships are something of a need. Romantic relationships are not though, however nice they are.


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## intranst (Jul 13, 2021)

I think the saying goes, being single is better than a bad relationship but not better than a good relationship. What’s a good or bad relationship is gonna depend on individual preferences but I agree for the most part. The more reflecting you do and/or the more experience you have, the more principled you become when dealing with relationships of all kinds. I would say my relationship standards are pretty high at this point and they all have to do with non physical qualities.


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## Tripwire_Desire (Jul 8, 2017)




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## 8080 (Oct 6, 2020)

*“Marriage is like a fortress besieged: those who are outside want to get in, and those who are inside want to get out.“ *

The more love and sex, the better, I would say, from a male perspective. Being in love alone is already highly gratifying. Contrary to popular belief, it is not necessary or even advisable to live together. Which is not to say that living in the same bed, in the same room, in the same home with strangers for some time is not very instructive.

*Number of human service providers: ≥ 1

A1: Living together with non-human mammals*
*A2: Living together with humans* *who are neither sex nor love service providers and who tolerate sex and love service providers

B1: Not living together with a sex and love service provider
B2: Not living together with a sex but not love service provider*
*B3: Not living together with a love but not sex service provider

C1: Living together with a sex and love service provider*
*C2: Living together with a sex but not love service provider
C3: Living together with a love but not sex service provider

D1: Living together with a former sex and love service provider
D2: Living together with a former sex but not love service provider*
*D3: Living together with a former love but not sex service provider

E1: who insults you*
*E2: who beats you without your permission
E3: who exploits you
E4: who enslaves you*
*E5: who kills you without your permission*

With a heavy heart, I have refrained from inserting the highly important word _disgust_. May God forgive me!


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## shameless (Apr 21, 2014)

intranst said:


> I think the saying goes, being single is better than a bad relationship but not better than a good relationship.


Yeah basically that.


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## Kn0wB34 (Sep 2, 2016)

I'm sure it can be nice to have, but it surely isn't a top priority for me right now.


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## Glittris (May 15, 2020)

At least one good relationship is crucial for being able to know what happiness is, we are social species after all.

Since nobody was interested in me even from early years, I fell into engaging in a relationship with my shadow, that is not something I can not recommend, unless if you want to get into a relationship with yourself.


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## FaeSoleil (8 mo ago)

8080 said:


> *“Marriage is like a fortress besieged: those who are outside want to get in, and those who are inside want to get out.“ *
> 
> The more love and sex, the better, I would say, from a male perspective. Being in love alone is already highly gratifying. Contrary to popular belief, it is not necessary or even advisable to live together. Which is not to say that living in the same bed, in the same room, in the same home with strangers for some time is not very instructive.
> 
> ...


Interesting... so close and yet so far to how I think. Suffice to say, such a detached way of viewing relationships and love is... pretty unfamiliar to me.

I'm polyamorous, but... rather than taking such an detached approach, I've, well. Ended up living with more than one of my partners. I cannot... quite imagine not wanting to be with people you love, given my long and stressful experience with long-distance problems. Not even cheating or such things, but just the constant worry of what may happen to them and constant issues of trying to emotionally support my partners through their problems in daily life with no way to directly help. I don't really regret moving in with the people I did on balance. It's not perfect (it can't be, with so many different kinds of people under the same roof), there's up and downs, but... in the end, we can be there to help each other out. That is more than enough a benefit for me.

To each their own, I suppose.


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