# Friends>Family?



## Akrasiel (Oct 25, 2009)

I've lived my entire life being raised in a rather broken home. I don't much mind, and never have, but I've come to wonder if it is perhaps an influence to my present view on *family. Personally, I feel no "love" or emotions of affection towards any of my family members. Their entire interaction quo between my family and myself is simply me enduring them. Literally, interaction with them is repulsive to me. I view them as strangers, and if a stranger came up to you and tried to hug you, you'd feel a bit odded out no? Especially if they told you they loved you and that you could always depend on them. Just because it is what is considered the norm by current societal standards, such has no influence on my view. It's odd to me and I feel like they are completely annoying. Not only is it that they express such to myself, but the fact that is it relentlessly non-reciprocated is what irks me and makes it so that my reaction is such of repulsion. I view their interactions as selfish, wanting a person to project their own insecurities upon so that they have a foundation that fits in their mind. Even if one is unaware of such, it is still repulsive and although I've made it ever apparent, if one could not see the clearly nonplussed reactions I emit, I find no excuse for such. A lie is still a lie, no matter if one thinks it is the truth when they have spoken it. I dislike my family member's personalities, as they are rather unhealthy, or they are too expectant of myself to reciprocate affection to one[people of] who[m] I harbor no genuine amount to.

^Friends, on the other hand I am generally very close to. I only have friends of whom I like their personality. It is reciprocated accurately, and because of such I find myself in a balanced and harmonious relationship with each. I go through their troubles and joys with them because they are special people to me of whom I adore, and vice versa.

As an NT [open to other types as well], what is your view on such?

*By family, it is not exclusive to distant relatives. I am encompassing siblings, parents, aunts, grandparents, etc.

^By friends, I am meaning those who you you would tell your serious problems to and those you talk to about your everyday life. Both included.


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## bendomolena (Dec 30, 2009)

I see where you're coming from. I've come from a rather dysfunctional family and I love them and all, but even they have their down moments. I would much rather spend my time with my friends where the expectations aren't as high, there is less tension and you can be more honest with yourself and just let go but in the end, I know I can always come back to my roots, my family.


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## Akrasiel (Oct 25, 2009)

bendomolena said:


> I see where you're coming from. I've come from a rather dysfunctional family and I love them and all, but even they have their down moments. I would much rather spend my time with my friends where the expectations aren't as high, there is less tension and you can be more honest with yourself and just let go but in the end, I know I can always come back to my roots, my family.


I've talked to a lot of people, and most of them that dislike their family, still uphold this view. I can't help but see it as the"abusive boyfriend that the girl keeps going back to" situation though.


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## cavarice (Jan 30, 2010)

Coming from a fairly dysfunctional family background...

I treat my biological family members with standards equal to that which I have with people in general. They don't get conferred special privileges from me just because of their "family" status. There are certain members of my immediate family whom I get along well with, but others whom I find utterly repulsive and hold no attachments to. It does bother some of them, and it's controversial to some of the people I tell it to.

I like to treat friends as a kind of "chosen family". I often tend to use the word "family" to describe people who fill roles closer to what I would idealize a "family" relationship as, regardless of whether I am directly related to them or not.


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## Cthulhu (Feb 24, 2010)

Well i dont really have "close" friends, but i do have many friends that i hang out with. As for family, i have my two brothers, and im close with one of them, and the rest of my family i couldn't care less about. But i do hang with friends more than family, and i much more enjoy a big social event over a family gathering. So i guess i would say friends are more important to me than family.


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## Akrasiel (Oct 25, 2009)

cavarice said:


> Coming from a fairly dysfunctional family background...
> 
> I treat my biological family members with standards equal to that which I have with people in general. They don't get conferred special privileges from me just because of their "family" status. There are certain members of my immediate family whom I get along well with, but others whom I find utterly repulsive and hold no attachments to. It does bother some of them, and it's controversial to some of the people I tell it to.
> 
> I like to treat friends as a kind of "chosen family". I often tend to use the word "family" to describe people who fill roles closer to what I would idealize a "family" relationship as, regardless of whether I am directly related to them or not.


This is very similar to myself. Perhaps you can just articulate your thoughts better? Do you see your family members as needing to earn your acknowledgment if they want such?



Cthulhu said:


> Well i dont really have "close" friends, but i do have many friends that i hang out with. As for family, i have my two brothers, and im close with one of them, and the rest of my family i couldn't care less about. But i do hang with friends more than family, and i much more enjoy a big social event over a family gathering. So i guess i would say friends are more important to me than family.



It's nice to have an extroverted opinion. It's refreshing. Has your view always been as such, or was there a fundamental event that changed it?


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## Rean (May 12, 2010)

I don't think it's that uncommon to hold your friends in higher regard than your family. Honestly, it seems natural. One chooses his/her friends because they discover an affinity for one another, a compatibility of personalities. There is no option when it comes to family, so in all likelyhood, people are bound to be closer to friends than family, as a whole. Just my theory.

That said, I feel much the same in regards to my family. Some of them I would prefer not to be in the same building with, others I can tollerate. I feel my friends are my "real family", in the sense that they're much closer and i've gotten to know them better in the first few weeks or months than I've ever known my siblings or parents. I actually come from a close, relatively "funtional" family, but still I can relate to the others posting here.

(Especially Rain. <33)


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## HandiAce (Nov 27, 2009)

I'm not an NT so a lot of what you talk about I'm quite the opposite with.

I had a very strong attachment to my parents and family. They were once my only friends. I didn't want other friends at a young age. 

I think I would be living a pretty miserable life if I didn't get along with my parents.

You seem like a very sweet person, Mikhai so it's interesting to know what causes you to have such a detachment from those I would consider the most important people to me.


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## Akrasiel (Oct 25, 2009)

HandiAce said:


> I'm not an NT so a lot of what you talk about I'm quite the opposite with.
> 
> I had a very strong attachment to my parents and family. They were once my only friends. I didn't want other friends at a young age.
> 
> ...


Could you elaborate on how you were as a child? I have another friend of whom is an INFJ that shares a near identical opinion.



Rean said:


> I don't think it's that uncommon to hold your friends in higher regard than your family. Honestly, it seems natural. One chooses his/her friends because they discover an affinity for one another, a compatibility of personalities. There is no option when it comes to family, so in all likelihood, people are bound to be closer to friends than family, as a whole. Just my theory.
> 
> That said, I feel much the same in regards to my family. Some of them I would prefer not to be in the same building with, others I can tolerate. I feel my friends are my "real family", in the sense that they're much closer and I've gotten to know them better in the first few weeks or months than I've ever known my siblings or parents. I actually come from a close, relatively "functional" family, but still I can relate to the others posting here.
> 
> (Especially Rain. <33)



What exactly is it that you can identify with. Does it encompass my general idea? Or a specific part/set of parts?


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## HandiAce (Nov 27, 2009)

Mikhail said:


> Could you elaborate on how you were as a child? I have another friend of whom is an INFJ that shares a near identical opinion.


Well, I felt a very strong pull not to make any new friends when I was little because I felt comfortable with the people I knew about. I remember having sooo much excitement when I went to visit my aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc. I can't remember my introduction to them at all. I just knew my family members ever since I could remember being alive. And with the play dates my mother set up for me, I remember the anxiety when I went to them, it was just annoying to keep up with other people outside my family.

As much as I value my own uniqueness, I have accepted a lot of norms as an important part to my psyche and have developed from them as a foundation. There's a deep underlying need for security and stability for me that requires me to figuratively cling onto something. Not like most NTs who seem to be their own stable entity.


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## PeevesOfCourse (Apr 15, 2010)

Didn't feel too close to either family or friends when I most needed them (when I was a teen, 20s). Gradually accumulated a wonderful tribe of friends, though, and made my peace with family as the years went by. It's worst in your teens and 20s. Things do settle down after that. Be patient and forgiving of the annoying bits (limit your exposure, make a few gestures you don't feel like making just to be "nice"), and it'll feel better to you with time. Not perfect, but "OK". Have low expectations of people in general - that's the key, I guess.  
С парши́вой овцы́ — хоть ше́рсти клок!


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## Rean (May 12, 2010)

Mikhail said:


> What exactly is it that you can identify with. Does it encompass my general idea? Or a specific part/set of parts?


I don't feel any urge to be near or hang out with family memebers. My brother seems eager to spend time with me these days, but I'm generally wierded out by him and only do so as a matter of courtesy (rather than simply say, "no, I have less awkward things to do with my time").

For the most part, I feel that my family is at best akin to a group of old roommates who have become very distant over time. At worst, they're like those random people at work who annoy me with trivial details about their personal lives which have no apparent relevance to me. This is agrevated by the fact that many of them have vastly different philosophical views which they display agressively in their day-to-day conversations, all but driving me insane whenever I'm their conversation partner of choice.

My relationship with them essentially boils down to one of expectation. I'm expected to interact with them and act like "family". It's the societal norm. I'd prefer to just live my life apart from them and interact with my friends, with whom I get along well - but if I abandon my family, I'd probably be viewed in a negative light and/or branded an outcast or micreant. It's all quite troublesome, but in the name of tradition, I must.


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## Sellihca (May 15, 2010)

I pegged you as a micreant.

MICREANT!!!!


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## Van (Dec 28, 2009)

My view is pretty similar to yours. I don't like someone just because I'm related to them, and I don't want them to like me for that reason either.
My family is basically split into IxTx and xSFJ halves. I grew up surrounded by IT types who were not very expressive, but that's normal for me. The SFJs weren't around much when I was young, so I've never been emotionally attached to them. However, they seem to think that I owe them all this love and affection which I just don't have. Despite the fact that they 'love' me, they think it's perfectly fine to complain about how I'm lacking as a person because I live in my head too much and refuse to constantly tell them that they are loved. I do not think that I should have to make dishonest, uncharacteristic displays of affection just to soothe their insecurity.
I like the quote 'friends are the family you choose for yourself'.


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## Akrasiel (Oct 25, 2009)

Sellihca said:


> I pegged you as a micreant.
> 
> MICREANT!!!!


Pegged whom might I ask?


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## Akrasiel (Oct 25, 2009)

Van said:


> My view is pretty similar to yours. I don't like someone just because I'm related to them, and I don't want them to like me for that reason either.
> My family is basically split into IxTx and xSFJ halves. I grew up surrounded by IT types who were not very expressive, but that's normal for me. The SFJs weren't around much when I was young, so I've never been emotionally attached to them. However, they seem to think that I owe them all this love and affection which I just don't have. Despite the fact that they 'love' me, they think it's perfectly fine to complain about how I'm lacking as a person because I live in my head too much and refuse to constantly tell them that they are loved. I do not think that I should have to make dishonest, uncharacteristic displays of affection just to soothe their insecurity.
> I like the quote 'friends are the family you choose for yourself'.


I agree with this ideology and opinion fully, despite coming from a different background ^_^


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## Sellihca (May 15, 2010)

Mikhail said:


> Pegged whom might I ask?


Seriously?


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## CJ99 (Feb 18, 2010)

I totally relate OP. Sure my little sister is my best mate, I like spending time with my dad and my 3 other little sisters I all really like.

But my sisters my best mate because she is insanely kool (INFP) and funky and hilarious and makes me piss myself laughing! And because you can't be the two NP sibling 18 months a part in a familly with an ESFJ mum and a seemingly ESTJ dad (though I'm not so sure he is ESTJ since moving out) and not become good mates!

My dad I like not cause he is my dad but because he is one of the few people I know who enjoys going to see musicals with me, will give me political debates and can solve any Excell problem I throw at him!

My 3 little sisters I like cause there fun! Especially the youngest who is a mini me! I'm training her in the ways of the ENTP not that she needs any training!

My mum is an ESFJ who sure I apreciate how she does my ironing when I take it to the famillys house and gives me food everynow and then - though shes not a great cook - I don't actually like her very much as she is really boring and has nothing in common with me and is a whiny and guilt tripping at times in much the same. She is my familly but not my friend. The rest are my familly but more importantly my friends!


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## Richard Regius (Oct 4, 2010)

I've never felt particularly close to my family, but for the most part I've never really disliked them either. I tend to think that friends are far more important that family because one can choose their friends but not their family.


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## st0831 (Jul 13, 2010)

I think its better to analyze people as individuals rather than as a priority system such as family vs. friends.

I didn't grow up in your family so I can't apply a judgment whether you should part or stay close to your family. 

As for mine, it was pretty dysfunctional with 2 parents and 3 siblings but as I keep growing older, I change perspectives and see the things that I never thought my parents never did.

If there is something you can do to help another family member or friend, do it. If you can't, explain your situation and don't look back. They may be angry but at that place, in that time I couldn't have helped them or aided them. Internally, my conscience will not be scarred if I couldn't help.

Perhaps, I think the goal shouldn't be whether you should or should not connect with your family or friends but whether you have given enough chances first. Back in the day, I told myself to give everyone around me a set of chances. With each disappointment, I take out a chance. Once that number of chances runs out, I cut them off. As time progressed, I didn't cut many people off because I lost count of the number of chances, especially with family members. The intention behind this process was just to set my state of mind into giving chances, not cutting people out. Eventually, long lost friends or family members reconnect with potential of better or worse relationships (usually "good").

Again, I didn't grow up in your family so I can't apply a judgment whether you should part or stay close to your family. If you're fed up (chances all used up) move on.

If you analyze the act of cutting off from any perspective, it requires two parties. Both of which are extreme because the person doing the excommunicating (perhaps out of hate/anger/revenge) and the excommunicated (due to selfishness/stupidity/ignorance) are "selfish" in their own ways.


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## Jazzlee (Aug 28, 2010)

I love my family, despite our constant fights due to our different personalities. But though I'd generally like to agree with most people here that I do not simply like them because they're family, I guess I'd be a bit of a liar if I did. For instance, I would never have been as close to my sister if she hadn't been my sister: there're a lot of things I can't tolerate about her personality. But despite our differences and disputes, she has been there throughout my entire life, and there's just too much history for me to dismiss her, even if I sometimes wish I could.

As for friendship... I've a lot of friends, but only one that I truly trust. I value her on the same level as my family, mostly because I see friendship as something rather disposable and exchangeable from my experience in the past. No matter how much my family annoys me and vice versa, they're steadfast and unchanging, and even if their methods of trying to help me can drive me up the wall, I can guarantee that they'd be there for me no matter what trouble I'd encounter or how much I might change. I can't say the same for my friends, save for the only one I truly trust.

In the end, I guess I value them as individuals depending on our history and how much I know I can rely on them, and how well we get along. My sister finds it offending that I regard my relationship with my best friend on the same level as I regard mine and my sister's (though to be honest, we're closer than me and my sister, but I wouldn't tell my sister that lest she throws a fit), but I see no reason why I should like my sister better simply because we're related. I get along much better with my best friend than I do with my sister.


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## wafflecake (Aug 30, 2010)

I abhor the vast majority of my family. Divorced parents, ended up with my ultra-religious ESTJ mother who isn't as tolerant as she thinks she is (at least she recently admitted as such, and that I was an independent thinker; if only she'd realized this at ANY point in my youth). Since my father's side of my family has largely disowned my brother and I due to our "race" (dad is white, mom is black; accepted by none), my mother tried her damnedest to instill a sense of pride in being black, when really, I'm not (and she discounts my German and Irish heritage when she does that).

The closest person to me is my little brother (ISFJ, with Aspergers), simply because he's...I dunno, pure is the word I guess I'd have to use. But everyone else will fall by the wayside when I move out, except maybe my father (if only he'd won custody of us; fuck the biased-ass courts ruling in favor of mothers, even when said mothers are emotionally abusive). My family tries to tell me what to do ALL of the time (e.g. "you should go to church" or "why do you date white women when there are black women?"), and have never fully accepted me. 

Friends are the world to me. They accept me, validate me, and are generally more pleasure to be around than my family. I only come home to sleep; the rest of the time I'm either at work or with friends.


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## Mutatio NOmenis (Jun 22, 2009)

(Friends=Cats)>Family


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## Mwuuh (Sep 30, 2010)

Some of my family members (my brothers) are also considered my friends, but all in all I prefer staying with my friends rather than my family. I can be myself with them without anyone reacting negatively and thinking I'm a nutcase. I do, however, prioritise my family before my friends, especially when it comes to various celebrations like birthday parties and Christmas.

I value the family cats more than anyone, though. :tongue:


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