# My Son Says He Doesn't Like Brown People



## Kingdom Crusader (Jan 4, 2012)

I received a note from my 6-year-old son's teacher that says, "Cafeteria monitors said he was standing to eat - he said, 'I don't want to sit by brown people.' Defiant to them." 

I just shrugged it off as curiosity when he was a toddler, asking things like, "mommy, why is grandpa brown?" or "mommy, why are you brown?"

One night when I was laying down with him to help him drift off to sleep (probably a month or so ago), he just all of a sudden blurted out that he wished I was white. And I asked why he said that, and his reply was that he likes white. Within days before this, he kept asking me why people come in different colors. 

Then one day this past week, as we were leaving the house to go to the bus stop to catch the morning bus for school, he just stopped all of a sudden and asked why he's surrounded by brown people, like it really bothered him.

The other day, I mentioned his comment at school about not liking brown people and how I'm brown. And his reply was, "you're the only brown person I like." 

I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around this. It's starting to bother me now, and I'm at a loss about what I should do about this. Has anyone encountered or witnessed something similar?


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## dragthewaters (Feb 9, 2013)

Well first of all you have to find out what is the root cause of his feelings. If he is mixed-race then it is some kind of self-hatred right? Could it be that maybe someone at school teased him for his race and now he is self-conscious about it?


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## TheProphetLaLa (Aug 18, 2014)

Hmm. I know kids who have made comments like this but that was because they were only surrounded by white people and the 'brown' people were new or different to them. But that usually went away after they started hanging around the 'brown' people more. 

Well, first off it seems you're dealing with this well and not freaking out, so I would keep doing what you're doing and just patiently try to find out why your son feels the way he does. There's always a reason for everything. 

You should directly ask him why brown people bother him. Did something happen with a brown person? Did he get mocked for being a 'brown person'? Did someone mock you to him? Is he mixed? I'm guessing yes.

You can ask him what he likes about you and try to get him to see that the things he values in you have nothing to do with color. 

You can try to expose him to different people and ethnicities. A lot of times the prejudices we have for people are solved by contact and when we spend time with said people, finding that they're very similar to us. Also by making some sort of connection between said people and ourselves. If you can't do that maybe buy a book or something with a person of color so that he can identify with this character. 

It might not even have anything to do with brown people at all. It may be some other problem he's having in his life that is manifesting in this way.

These are some ideas. He's just a kid though. So no worries, I'm sure this is very solvable.


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## bigstupidgrin (Sep 26, 2014)

Had a 1st grade girl tell me she didn't like Russians earlier this year. I don't remember exactly what I said but yeah, one of the stranger moments in my job.


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## allanzo (Feb 6, 2014)

Wow... You are handling this very well and I admire your concern for your child :kitteh:. This is actually pretty hard as what made him not like brown people? Anyways, that does not matter. I think that focusing his brain and the idea that the color of your skin does not matter is what I suggest.. By overlapping that one idea by implanting another idea. I agree with @TheProphetLaLa for her suggestions, however I think that at a young age, you're open to a whole bunch of new things so that ideas can be easily implanted. The idea that is implanted branches and keeps growing until it seems absolutely normal. Expose him to diversity and culture so that he can appreciate the differences of us rather than wishing we were all one. I feel like there's a deeper reason why he is not favorable of brown people.


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## Word Dispenser (May 18, 2012)

Well, I grew up in a rather small city, that didn't have a lot of diverse races. 

When I was small, probably around the ages of 4 - 6, I was at an airport with my parents. There was a black stewardess sitting in the waiting area, and I sat next to her, started petting her face, and with wide-eyed adoration cried, "I love your makeup!" 

Luckily, she was smitten with me, and bought me candy. haha. :3

I was also envious of her hair. I actually thought that black women's hair simply grew out of their skull in tiny braids. I was disappointed that my hair could never be like that. Ah, the logic of youth.

Ahem. Anyway... I don't think you have too much to worry about.

If I were you, I would explain _why _people have different coloured skin. That it's pigmentation, and it helps to protect from the sun. And I might talk about people from all over the world in a scientific way. That might help for him to understand that it's healthy and not scary, and that what people's skin looks like doesn't mean that they should be liked or disliked.

Rather, he should instead look at how a person treats him, and decide for himself if he likes or dislikes them.


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## backdrop12 (Dec 11, 2012)

I had the same thing happened to me , yet it was completely worseX3 :

I was at a buffet aged 4 , there was a party going on around us and there was alot of black people there. Out of curiosity , I said loudly to my parents " WHY IS THERE SO MANY BLACK PEOPLE HERE.....SERIOUSLY???!!! ". Now I did not pay attention to anyone but my food as a kid , but my parents were super embarrassed yet the African Americans there were just chuckling/ called it cute =p.

If I said it now ...ya I should know better and may or may not get beaten up XP.


The point is , I think the child is just curious and wants to know the whys or whats of the world. I would say he would grow out of it , but if he gets older (8-9) and has the same thought process , then I would recommend talking to him why he is feeling the said emotions and maybe start a diverse play group for that said child to understand that it is not about the color of the skin , but of the personality that is transcribed based upon his or her experiences and perceptions .

The worst option : counseling XD


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## DeductiveReasoner (Feb 25, 2011)

wtf is "brown"?

Thats so vague. I keep seeing it everywhere. What constitutes "brown"?


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

DeductiveReasoner said:


> wtf is "brown"?
> 
> Thats so vague. I keep seeing it everywhere. What constitutes "brown"?


Brown is a color, some people call other people brown because they look brown but it's not always a perfect brown, sometimes it's off-white with some darker pigmentation.
Lol this is the most annoying post I've ever written.


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

That story sounds very surreal. Why don't you ask him what he doesn't like about brown people and where he got the concept from?


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## Laze (Feb 19, 2015)

DeductiveReasoner said:


> What constitutes "brown"?












Yeah I know. I have the sense of humour of a six year old.


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## DeductiveReasoner (Feb 25, 2011)

Laze said:


> Yeah I know. I have the sense of humour of a six year old.


Ah yes. And this is why everyone hates us xNTPs :tongue:

EDIT: and also why they hate white people


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## Gossip Goat (Nov 19, 2013)

backdrop12 said:


> I was at a buffet aged 4 , there was a party going on around us and there was alot of black people there. Out of curiosity , I said loudly to my parents " WHY IS THERE SO MANY BLACK PEOPLE HERE.....SERIOUSLY???!!! ". Now I did not pay attention to anyone but my food as a kid , but my parents were super embarrassed yet the African Americans there were just chuckling/ called it cute =p.


My cousin literally did the same thing.

@DeductiveReasoner

The first thing that came to my mind were indians or mixed raced people since the kid is lighter than his mom (I believe?)


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## DeductiveReasoner (Feb 25, 2011)

Gossip Goat said:


> The first thing that came to my mind were indians or mixed raced people since the kid is lighter than his mom (I believe?)


Ah, ok. I've seen the term on tumblr and I've always been uh...too scared to ask. I wasn't sure. I still stand beside the statement that it's a very vague term though. For instance, I've got a lot of tan white friends who are darker skinned than my Asian friends. Idk it just seems like there could be a better word to use than "brown." But then again, what do I know? lol


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## bigstupidgrin (Sep 26, 2014)




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## HAL (May 10, 2014)

Right I think there is one obvious thing worth considering.

A person's opinions are borne entirely of their experiences.

So, this child feels surrounded by brown skinned people, and he doesn't like it.

So. Why is that?

Why doesn't he like it? Is it a majority 'brown skinned people' school? How about family social life? Lots of brown people?

And what's making him think it's better to be white? What TV is he watching? Who is he spending his free time with, and what are they saying to him?

Do you live in a community where white people appear to be wealthier than brown people? Children can be sadly quite superficial if they're exposed to the wrong ideals, and I know this world is more and more about who can have the 'nicest things'.

Just some things to maybe think about.

Overall, you just need to consider what is making him think this way. As a 6 year old, I don't think he'll necessarily know exactly what the cause of the problem is. You need to think about it for yourself, and alter his life accordingly.





Anyway if all else fails, just make sure he learns to moonwalk.


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## aendern (Dec 28, 2013)

DeductiveReasoner said:


> wtf is "brown"?
> 
> Thats so vague. I keep seeing it everywhere. What constitutes "brown"?


Ikr I always thought brown meant (because it does) Indian, Middle Eastern, Egyptian, ...


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## Golden Rose (Jun 5, 2014)

I agree with @TheProphetLaLa and @thismustbetheplace that it might be rooted in discomfort with his own skin and perhaps being teased by other kids or feeling alien to them, especially if you live in a white area.

I've seen a documentary about it, a lot of small children hated themselves and their coloring because of how much it was treated as "less than ideal" and "inferior" by their peers and the lack of representation in general, especially in cartoons, movies and toys. Even the most independent and Fi child will be affected by peer pressure because at that age children are like sponges. They're eager to learn about themselves and the world and any kind of input is something they like to explore and take very seriously.

Ask him calmly why he feels that way and when did he start to nurture those feelings, if something that happened helped him reach that conclusion but do so in an understanding and judgement free way. In adults racism is a deep seated and willing choice so there's no shame in calling out ignorance and narrow sightedness but a child is different, he's yet to fully form his views as there's still a lot of knowledge he's missing and learning to distinguish between reality and imagination or personal feelings is hard at that age.

Help him see the beauty in everything, that being different can cause grief but it's also a source of pride.
He's himself and special, brown skin is gorgeous and any trauma by discrimination and bullying can be discussed and kicked to the curb through support and understanding. 

He already has his own personality so finding the best way to tackle the issue is something you'll figure out by hearing his thoughts and knowing your bond with him.


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## Fredward (Sep 21, 2013)

Is the father white? Is the kid? Cuz if this isn't rooted in self-loathing it could also be that because he's white (the kid) and the mother is 'brown' and the father is white he could be having trouble identifying like he should. Kids identify A LOT with their parents at a certain age, if a major physical cue like skin colour is off it might lead to dissonance which in turn might manifest as frustration and 'not liking' brown people when really he just doesn't understand why he's not the same as his mom. Or his mom is not the same as him.

If this is the case, he'll grow out of it.


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## raminan (Jun 20, 2014)

I wished I was mixed race (my ethnicity+white) when I was like 8 because they were perceived as being more beautiful and I did ask my mom why wouldn't she marry a white man instead. It's nothing personal, TV and ads showed mixed race celebrities, it was just a wishful thinking similar to 'I wish I was rich'. I've grown out of it.

If you live in a society where white is perceived as being more beautiful, this kind of things in inevitable. But I think it's alarming he doesn't want to sit with them or that you're just an exception. A simple wish to be white doesn't result you hating your own ethnicity.


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## Blue Soul (Mar 14, 2015)

emberfly said:


> Ikr I always thought brown meant (because it does) Indian, Middle Eastern, Egyptian, ...


Kid sees brown, kid thinks brown, kid says brown. Doesn't have to be any deeper than that. Kids can be cruel sometimes, but they're usually honest in their curiosity. Just because we adults have accepted that things are like they are, certain words mean certain things etc., doesn't mean that it's not legitimate to wonder why things are that way, right?

@Asian_Chick Like others already suggested I would try to get to the root of why he feels this way, and try help him come to an open-minded answer about things. It's only natural for children to wonder about things that are not immediately clear to them.


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## Pressed Flowers (Oct 8, 2014)

DeductiveReasoner said:


> wtf is "brown"?
> 
> Thats so vague. I keep seeing it everywhere. What constitutes "brown"?


The child mentioned in the OP who is quoted calling people "brown".... is a child. He's not going to be aware of ethnic identities. He's going to call people by colors. 

You might already be aware of that, but I just wanted to point it out. I highly doubt that anyone here is using that term to use it, but rather because those were the words that came from the child himself. 

I must say this topic surprised me. 

I'm mixed. My mom is Filipino, my dad is white as... white. I was about to comment (or rather not comment, because it would have been an unhelpful thought) that the child would not have had these perceptions... had he been, say, like me, growing up in a mixed household, surrounded constantly by my extended family who was not white. Honestly, it was hard for me to see race... because to me, that's just the way we were. And it didn't matter anyway, because what was important was people's souls, and even when I was little I knew that had nothing to do with skin color. 

I'm sorry this has happened with your child. I will say that it's very good that you're discovering this now, and trying to figure out why he feels this way and how to teach him otherwise. Given that he's six, I would have strong hope that he will grow out of this soon - racism is plainly not accepted in this society, and he will learn that eventually. Plus, he'll probably come to terms with his racial identity soon, and recognize that... well, it's sort of self hatred that he dislikes non-white individuals. This process will likely be greatly sped up with your guidance. 

I'm sorry I can't be of much more help, but I'm confident you'll figure this out. It sounds like you're being very proactive about it already, which is definitely the first step in the right direction.


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## Kingdom Crusader (Jan 4, 2012)

Well, I already asked him the whys.... that's naturally what I'm going to ask when he asks questions and makes statements like he was doing. When he asked for a hug one time, I asked, "are you sure you want a hug from a brown person?"

He goes to a school district where almost everyone is Latino and black, and he appears white. It did cross my mind a long time ago that that might be an issue, but he's not telling me anything. Upon asking him the whys, he just looks down and doesn't give me an answer. Apparently he's too ashamed to tell me what he really thinks, or he's not so sure as to be able to pinpoint what it is that's causing the dissonance he's seeing.

I just wanted to come up with some ideas based off of others' experiences. Thanks to everyone who gave me their input, however late it is.... just been busy.

And for whoever asked if he was mixed, yes. Here's some pictures from when he was a bit younger: 















I'm a dark complected Asian, and he came out a bit different...


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## stargazing grasshopper (Oct 25, 2013)

Moved to PM


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## xisnotx (Mar 20, 2014)

it has nothing to do with race, it is more a mother-son issue. 

tell him you don't like white men, and when he says "i'm white" reply "yeah, but you are not a man". and if he retorts, "father is white" respond "he's the only white man i like".

and leave it at that for the time being. he is challenging you, i feel. deliberately looking for a rise. it is not a race issue, more a family one..


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## Mutant Hive Queen (Oct 29, 2013)

To be honest, I don't have much to add here besides what's already been said about asking him questions and so forth, but as an added thought...

I'm sort of wondering how feasible it would be to ingratiate yourself with brown and white children in the area--give them food or something. Eventually, many of them would have to interact with each other, which might eventually build friendships. Which would prevent at least _some_ of the insulting comments in the future (some might not perceive that as insulting).

I don't know. It seems unlikely to be feasible but if it works...


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## He's a Superhero! (May 1, 2013)

Asian_Chick said:


> Well, I already asked him the whys.... that's naturally what I'm going to ask when he asks questions and makes statements like he was doing. When he asked for a hug one time, I asked, "are you sure you want a hug from a brown person?"
> 
> He goes to a school district where almost everyone is Latino and black, and he appears white. It did cross my mind a long time ago that that might be an issue, but he's not telling me anything. Upon asking him the whys, he just looks down and doesn't give me an answer. Apparently he's too ashamed to tell me what he really thinks, or he's not so sure as to be able to pinpoint what it is that's causing the dissonance he's seeing.
> 
> ...


Adorable kid! 

I was in a class discussing this sort of thing in the process of getting into my line of work (working with children), and what was explained as what to do in such a situation is point out various obvious similarities - "Look...how many fingers does that child have? One, two, three, four, five...Five fingers! How many fingers do you have?"
Basically the idea is to help the child to be able to relate to the other child who appears different - and this sort of thing happens with a range of things. Most commonly it's about boys vs girls, but can also be things like disabilities, and of course ethnic appearance. Children notice when things are different, which in itself is normal - in your son's case he has picked up that skin colors can be different, and notices that other children's skin color is not the same as his. I'd focus on what he has in common with these children. After that maybe try to get kids his age over to play with that have darker skin, and try to help him forge friendships with darker skinned people.


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## Death Persuades (Feb 17, 2012)

I was going to blame kids at school, but he has these ideas since he's a toddler... Perhaps he learned some of it at home? Do you let him watch a lot of TV?


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## pinkopal100 (Oct 10, 2013)

I didn't read all of the comments, but besides what I did read. If trying to find the root cause, he may have been bullied by a "brown" person and that's where his dislike comes from. Just ask him a lot of questions. When I was little I had an experience where I was bullied by someone of a different race and for a long time I avoided and was pretty much scared of anyone who belonged to that race. Even now that I've gotten to the maturity level to where I know and understand that it was just one person and not that whole race is a group of bullies, but subconciously I still have a weariness when meeting someone new of that race. Our experiences shape us, so try and find out what experience made him think that way and see if you can create happier experiences with other "brown" people.


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## aef8234 (Feb 18, 2012)

pinkopal100 said:


> I didn't read all of the comments, but besides what I did read. If trying to find the root cause, he may have been bullied by a "brown" person and that's where his dislike comes from. Just ask him a lot of questions. When I was little I had an experience where I was bullied by someone of a different race and for a long time I avoided and was pretty much scared of anyone who belonged to that race. Even now that I've gotten to the maturity level to where I know and understand that it was just one person and not that whole race is a group of bullies, but subconciously I still have a weariness when meeting someone new of that race. Our experiences shape us, so try and find out what experience made him think that way and see if you can create happier experiences with other "brown" people.


Actually, from the looks of the picture, and how long this has been going on, it might be because he feels distanced from everyone else due to him being whiter than... uhh.. coconut juice.. I mean yeah, bullying adds to it, but it probably isn't the only reason.


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## Sygma (Dec 19, 2014)

Does he feel guilty when hes eating brownies ? or chocolate cookies, or anything that got chocolate in it.

Does he feel guilty that he could very well like elements of black culture, as diverse as they may be in all kinds of form ?


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## He's a Superhero! (May 1, 2013)

There are lots of movies, tv series, cartoons, music videos and story books that feature "brown people"...Possibly showing him some of those will help him to relate to them. Have you seen the new movie "Home"? It's an animated movie and the protagonist is a young girl with beautiful brown skin...There's one example of a movie suitable for a child that may be helpful. Here's the trailer for that movie...






I really like this music clip featuring children of Africa...


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## IIIIII (Oct 2, 2013)

Simply the kids at school may be giving him grief, or he is being exposed to these ideas by someone he associates with.


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## Kynx (Feb 6, 2012)

When I was 5, I didn't like boys. When I was 7, I wanted to be a boy. By 9, I was happy to be a girl and I liked boys. 

If he'd have said he didn't want to sit with girls, nobody would have batted an eyelid. Maybe it's just adults making a mountain out of a molehill here. 
He's figuring out his own identity and that usually starts with favoring people who are similar and rejecting those who aren't. 

I wouldn't make a big thing out of it.


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