# How Can I Make Friends With NFs?



## tierranranfar (Feb 10, 2011)

My friends are an ESTJ, ENTJ, INTJ, and an ESFJ. I love them all to death, but lately I've been feeling really... boxed in by them. I've been friends with NFs before, it was great while it lasted, but we never maintained the relationship. 

Anyway, where can I meet NFs?
How can I avoid pissing of NFs?
How can I start friendships with NFs?


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## Perpetual Iridescence (Apr 13, 2011)

I don't know where to find us, but we generally like art, music, reading, and writing. To keep us as friends, don't argue with us and remember that we're very sensitive. As long as you act friendly and are careful not to hurt our feelings, you're good. Also, I heard that many of us are interested in analyzing people and ideas.


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## pmj85 (Jul 31, 2010)

How to not piss them off? Hmm... I have a couple of INTP friends (and pretty much all of my friends are 'T') and after years of growing up with these people, only one thing really stuck out for me:

We appreciate your take on a situation and love differences of opinion when they can be discussed openly and sensitively. If you start beating us down with a relentless assault of hyper-objectivity, pure logic and a 'I am holier than thou' attitude, you'll piss us off and more than likely hurt our feelings. Although it isn't always intended, I have found that NTs in general have a habit of being quite cutting when there really isn't any need to be. 

Other than that, you should be fine I'd guess 

Also, I seem to have a clusterfuck of robot faces to the right hand side of my screen, just there --->

What is this I don't even.


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## chickydoda (Feb 12, 2010)

*Anyway, where can I meet NFs?*

Uh, beats me. There is a whole thread about meeting ENFPs on our board, and several about spotting ENFPs when there is one nearby, etc.
*
How can I avoid pissing of NFs?*

Don't interrupt us when we're talking, just take mental notes or something and say what you need/want to say at the end. Don't analyse every single thing we say, because sometimes we talk with feelings rather than facts (or tend to exaggerate/add colour to story, so you get the emotional side of it, even if it didn't happen exactly that way in real life). Don't try to compete with us/try to win at *conversations* unless we're having a debate. (ie "I have this really great pink dress..", "NO its red!!!"-doesn't really matter does it?). Be considerate of our feelings, realise that we need some space to recollect our thoughts and process things, so even if we like spending time with you, we may need a cooling down period afterwards. 

Umm, I'll give more advice when I think of it, if I remember this thread exists.
*
How can I start friendships with NFs?*

Show an interest, be nice or funny, offer to take us out for lunch, ask us for help with something, or try to find a common interest, then set up some kind of appointment together involving said thing, like I met a lady at the park when I was walking my dog, so sometimes we meet up together to chat while our dogs play. I don't think there's a precise formula, you can make friends anywhere, but no one thing will work with everyone. Some people are in the mindset that they have enough friends already.


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## Cerebro (Jul 30, 2011)

*Anyway, where can I meet NFs?*
NF's are somewhat rare, and may either be hidden under the guise of the artsy or the intellectual. It really depends on the environment. If this is in high school or college, they may fall under the guise of the intellectual or the artsy. You need to talk with one to recognize one. If they're discussing art or humanity or anything abstract, but in a fanciful way, not in a logical way like you NT's, you've found and NF.
*How can I avoid pissing of NFs?*
When talking with an NF, listen. From my experience, INFP's and ENFP's like talking by themselves, ENFJ's and INFJ's like listening to you more than talking about themselves. That's Fi and Fe, respectively. And when they share their perspective, appreciate it, and try to see the validity in it, and definitely share your perspectives, but do not attack. NF's enjoy seeing other perspectives, but value harmony. As long as you do not attack their beliefs and values, or try to get them to compromise their values, you two can have a good friendship. Remember, difference is great, conflict is not.
*How can I start friendships with NFs?*
I think it's more like how can you NOT! NF's are warm people, open to new relationships. If you want to talk about art or aspirations, talking to an ENFP or INFP will be best. If you're more interested in discussing philosophy and classics, ENFJ's work great, but INFJ's best, from my experience. I had an INTP friend in middle school, but he hopped from clique to clique, eventually getting into a bad crowd and using drugs for about two years, and I didn't talk with him then. Then we had biology this year, and our lockers were one away from eachother. One day, he asked me to go get lunch with him at a burger joint, and we discussed our own philosophies. Our relationship is always UBER intense, but we're still great friends.

The biggest issue with NF's is that, until they really take hold of their authenticity, they are too absorbed in other people's feelings and wants, and thus are concerned with fitting into a group and keeping a certain image. I ditched that about two years ago, and I'm happier than ever, but it takes time. Hopefully you can find NF's that are mature and comfortable with their uniqueness.

My best advice is to begin chatting about something you have in common, like a class or an activity (music, poetry, psychology, etc.). But they dislike small talk as much as you do. So ask them about their feelings and beliefs and deep experience with said topic, and do share yours. Make it meaningful, and not shallow. ESPECIALLY with INFJ's, with whom good friendships with INTP's are very likely.

NT and NF friendships can be absolutely fantastic. If you can do your best to avoid stirring up conflict, and they can do their best to not take everything you say too personally, a friendship will be easier than you can comprehend.


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## Modifier (Aug 17, 2011)

try internet


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## Kelly617 (May 25, 2011)

I have no idea where you would meet NFs...we're all quite different. Maybe art supply stores, libraries (fiction section), college classes (arts, philosophy, religous studies), dog walking parks, pet stores, bookstores? XD

ENFxs really aren't that difficult to befriend, we're usually ready to meet anyone and everyone, and I, at least, find it quite difficult to turn down an invitation for a night out.


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## unico (Feb 3, 2011)

Take an NF's perspective and ideas seriously, instead of being patronizing or brushing them off because their perspective doesn't seem as ruled by logic as we consider it in this society. Treat NF's as if they are intelligent and capable of understanding you. Try to be open-minded.


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## Hammerhand (Jul 24, 2010)

Seriously.. Don't be a jerk and have some common sense. 

I'd advice you to try to cultivate some mutual respect, and a 'forgive and forget' attitude in the relationship. I know two Nt's, both are like that. We get a lot out of it, simply because it's an open field, with no judges and both players try to avoid foul play, should it happen we just apologize and keep going.

In my experience Nt's and Nf's can have a great exchange.

Knowing how Fi works is a clear plus though, hmm. 
(So as to not instantly create a meltdown, just take it a bit easy in the beginning, until you've gotten some sort of feel for said NF).


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## The Proof (Aug 5, 2009)

pmj85 said:


> Also, I seem to have a clusterfuck of robot faces to the right hand side of my screen, just there --->
> 
> What is this I don't even.


LMAO!

OP: to have a real connection to NFs you gotta utilize your sensitive side, meaning to be open to that person, not to resist emotionally, not to withdraw and most of all not trying to control that person or the situation

just sort of let go and really feel that person, stop doing and start feeling

oh and you can recognize NF types by the way they glide around rather than walk, how they blush and semi roll their eyes when they are complimented

you can also recognize them by how they sit down, they never really pullupachair like everyone else, they sort of glide over, touch down and pull in their wings


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## QuirkyCouple (Oct 5, 2011)

*Your Post Made Me Chuckle (In A Warm, Appreciative Way)*



chickydoda said:


> *Anyway, where can I meet NFs?*



I chuckled inside when I read this; my wife's an ESFJ, but there's apparently a few things the two of you have in common... But here's the perspective of an INFJ on the other side of this conversation. 
You may not read all of this, because 'INFJ's' can be quite verbose; we find it's a necessity, because we generally seem to be the hardest group for society at large to understand - and we don't need to be accepted, but we _strongly dislike_ being misunderstood. *However, if you've gotten this far, the next time you tell an 'INFJ' you have a dress you're excited about, just say 'I bought this dress I'm really excited about!... I'll tell you more about it later' (or better yet, just show it to us later, and describe the things we can't observe with our eyes). We'll feel happy for you, and withhold our questions.* 



> How can I avoid pissing of NFs?</b></u>
> 
> Don't interrupt us when we're talking, just take mental notes or something and say what you need/want to say at the end.


 - Not a problem; I listen a lot, and I can patiently wait my turn. The mental note thing; you don't even need to ask. Our brains are like tape recorders we can't turn off... 



> Don't analyse every single thing we say, because sometimes we talk with feelings rather than facts (or tend to exaggerate/add colour to story, so you get the emotional side of it, even if it didn't happen exactly that way in real life).


- This is a promise I could never make; I analyze _everything_. Asking me not to be analytical would be like asking me not to breathe... Though I can try to mitigate the feeling that I'm 'probing' (I made my wife flashcards so that she can succinctly indicate she feels like she's being 'scanned'). I have also indicated to her that I can't appreciate the emotion as well when there's a 'factual collision' in my brain. 



> Don't try to compete with us/try to win at *conversations* unless we're having a debate. (ie 'I have this really great pink dress..', 'NO its red!!!'-doesn't really matter does it?).


 - From my perspective, *yes is does matter, because I'm really listening and trying to understand the how and why it matters to you! So I'm not trying to win, I'm trying to clarify my own understanding.* Do I really care that much about dresses? Not really... But I do when it's something that you (assuming I was a friend of yours) find exciting and important, I want to share that with you, so I need to understand the details. I generally understand clothing color to be important to people, so I would want to know if it is in fact pink or red... Is that the most exciting thing about it, or is it the pattern (paisley?... polka-dots?), or is it something even more abstract - a memory to which the dress is tied (for example, perhaps you bought it during a fantastic vacation - and the importance of the memory is more so than the construction of the dress).

** (The competition and debate thing? We don't do that often, we generally just gather information. We don't generally require (and we largely don't expect) consensus with our viewpoints, with one glaring exception. We often hold a few core principles so tightly, that to do something to 'assault' one is like tearing out our beating heart. We spend a lifetime building and refining these principles, and you may inquire about them, and probe their validity (you may very well encourage us to shift our viewpoints), but if you value peace, tread lightly! There will be no question when you are engaged in a debate, or when you have encountered one of these core principles. That quiet, impassive demeanor you associate with us will be suddenly be replaced with an impassioned, relentless fire. We simply will not back down.) ** 

For us analytical 'NF's', the intensity of our listening (often gauged by our facial expressions, which others often perceive as 'cold') and detailed questions is read as aggression, arrogance or hostility, when in fact it's deep, heartfelt interest in what makes those dearest to us 'tick'. We need to be certain we understand you correctly... 

Details such as color, context (was a comment a co-worker made friendly, or hostile? - should I laugh, or show my concern?)*, and time (for example, my wife will often say 'the other night' when she's referring to an event that could have happened several months ago) all have significant bearing on how an analytical 'NF' will process your words; when those details change, analytical types can't really get past that to appreciate the essence of what you're trying to communicate. We generally can't just 'accept' things (with the exception of love [in my case]; there are some things even analyticals are content to just enjoy...), we need to have the facts and follow them through to the emotion you experienced, and we hate drawing conclusions with bad data! 

So to clarify my intent and tone, I'm not correcting you (I get that a lot)! I'm offering you my perspective, which you may choose to acknowledge or not, as you like. There's really no right way or wrong way, just your way, and my way... My way of showing my care is just different (...and how! 'INFJ's' are apparently a small minority: ~1% to 3%) 

** - My emotion and interest is as genuine as it gets - I don't fake it (though I may mask it to protect upsetting you while I process things and determine the best approach to convey my thoughts). The full measure of this emotion and interest is reserved for a handful of people most special to me in the world. Sometimes my emotional response might seem critical or detached, but I support my friends and loved ones absolutely - so my goal is always seeing your needs and best interests met as completely as possible. We don't always get it right though we try; but our hearts are truly in the right place...*


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## QuirkyCouple (Oct 5, 2011)

*Wow 'Proof', very comprehensive and yet succintly put...*

I couldn't have expressed that as completely and eloquently with a thousand words...


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## NaughyChimp (Jun 20, 2011)

Remember that NFs are always striving for authentic connections with others. NTs often like to debate and argue for the fun of it, but an NF can feel as though that's a hurtful attack... a way of severing rather than strengthening the ties between the two of you. Trust me - most NFs have a logical side that they will happily bring out once in a while but it helps if you FIRST let them know that you care about them. Once they feel as though they have established a connection with you, they'll feel safer matching wits against you.


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## Wanderling (Dec 27, 2009)

You'll find most of us between heaven and hell, in one of those limbos that we hang around - an art gallery, or a museum, or our home, or the wilderness, or most likely anywhere, but deep inside our minds, overly conscious of every movement we make, of every thought that presents itself to our foggy minds.


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## perfectcircle (Jan 5, 2011)

Anyway, where can I meet NFs?
Where people are, but mostly NFs tend to friends with each other so if you find them you will probably find more.

How can I avoid pissing of NFs?
Don't insult them or make them doubt themselves or your friendship
expect "deep talk", trouble talk, and sharing of personal stories and histories
don't make them feel like these things are annoying or a burden, it isn't really about the problem it's about exchanging intimacy with you, it's a sign of trust and buy in
don't brush them off
relationships are central to us, so we won't want to bring you into our circle if it becomes clear that we will not be as important to you as you are to us

How can I start friendships with NFs?
make jokes, share stories, share about yourself, find common ground, make yourself seem like an ally, seem eager to see them


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## UnknownObservantTortoise (Feb 7, 2012)

Where to meet? HERE! haha joking if you want to find us in real life, you'll have to look for the introverted NFs but people such as ENFPs, from personal experience run around meeting people that much that I'm surprised you haven't found one yet. The arts a a good place to start, NF is very useful when thinking about that sort of thing.


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## Waltfeld (Feb 2, 2012)

adverseaffects said:


> Anyway, where can I meet NFs?
> Where people are, but mostly NFs tend to friends with each other so if you find them you will probably find more.
> 
> How can I avoid pissing of NFs?
> ...


 Just to add in the trouble talk, this is something I am not entirely sure all INFJ's have - but at least in the trouble talk, we don't expect you to actually give us ideas, it's more of a... bouncing ideas and then you try to poke a few holes in them to make sure they are valid. I guess it's a way of making sure we're unbiased and the decision(s) we're making are correct ones. Plus, it just makes us feel better to know that someone else knows.


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## TyTy (Dec 3, 2011)

The Proof said:


> you can also recognize them by how they sit down, they never really pullupachair like everyone else, they sort of glide over, touch down and pull in their wings


 
Lol I know this post is from a few months ago, but what you said created a hilarious mental pic for me :laughing:


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## TRON (Feb 16, 2012)

Anyway, where can I meet NFs? sorry cant help you in this one 
How can I avoid pissing of NFs? don't criticize us try not to ignore or not care about our ideas
How can I start friendships with NFs? be you don't try too hard to me anyone can be my friend no matter how different we might be just don't be fake .

i hope any of this helps ...


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## Senter (Nov 21, 2011)

There's a risky NF bar downtown with a lot of them. You might be able to blend in if you ride there on a pony.


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## Femmefatale (Feb 22, 2012)

They find you?  
And you don't play cat and mouse with them. That's how ;(
What do you want with us anyway?


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## under skies (Jun 9, 2010)

Best place to meet me is in class or the dining hall (college student). When I'm anywhere else and alone, I'm with purpose and generally have my guard up. It's not necessarily that I don't want to be approached, but I'm just going to be really freaked out and in the wrong frame of mind if I'm grocery shopping and anxiously trying to decide which type of peanut butter is best and somebody just... wants to talk.

I wouldn't consider myself too sensitive and generally get on quite well with INTPs. Actually, I sometimes have the problem of offending other people/being socially inappropriate. I appreciate being around people who can accept me for not following what I consider very arbitrary social rules. It is very important to me to not feel pressed to express my emotions in any particular way or at any particular time, and I knew one INTP who was kind of weird about that at one point in our friendship (i.e., he continuously insisted that I was "very difficult/impossible to read" and would constantly ask me to explain myself, even though he was rarely willing to do the same).

Oh, but don't interrupt someone like me, either. The same INTP did that a lot and would talk for long stretches about his music or politics a lot, and then he would occasionally ask me a question only to stop me mid-sentence to relate my responses back to himself again, which was always--weird. And annoying. And then he'd comment on how quiet I was. I won't waste energy fighting people for the chance to speak; I don't care enough, especially if people don't seem to genuinely care about what I have to say.


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## Razvan (Dec 17, 2009)

Extroverted people usually find you :tongue:, introverted, you'd better make the first move. With Perceivers you'll have a hard time setting something in nails, I had that issue with an INTP, so you'd better watch out for that and try to make extra efforts. We hang out wherever our passions are so, it really depends on what you're into.


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## JC22 (Oct 21, 2011)

Feed us. Preferably sweets.


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## Femmefatale (Feb 22, 2012)

That is actually.... frighteningly true. O_O



JC22 said:


> Feed us. Preferably sweets.


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## Curiously (Nov 7, 2011)

-please be patient with us
-please don't scoff at our emotions 
-please don't devalue or ridicule our insights or suggestions
-please show consideration, tact, and compassion to us and others
-please don't impose your will or agenda on us 
-please treat us as equals and be respectful
-please respect our boundaries and need for (some) privacy and space


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## TyTy (Dec 3, 2011)

under skies said:


> I won't waste energy fighting people for the chance to speak; I don't care enough, especially if people don't seem to genuinely care about what I have to say.


Sorry if this is a bit off topic. I just agree with this statement completely. I rarely volunteer advice to people. However, people often seek me out and ask for my input. It is so frustrating when out of the blue someone comes to you asking for you to give them your opinion on something important going on in their life and then they seem to not be listening once you begin. I hate this lol It takes me a bit of effort to formulate my thoughts into sentences and to make sure I'm expressing my thoughts the way I'm meaning for them to come out. Expressing myself verbally does not always come easy for me. So when I am taking the time to address something that you are asking me to, please be patient. Please don't think after I utter a few words you already know what I'm going to say and then cut me off. Please don't try to finish my thoughts or say it for me before I do! And, most of all, please don't ask for my opinion or advice if you have no plans to ever take it or even consider it in the first place. You may love doing this just so you can hear yourself talk, but that doesn't mean that I do lol


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## Pixiedust (Mar 6, 2012)

the proof said:


> you can also recognize them by how they sit down, they never really pullupachair like everyone else, they sort of glide over, touch down and pull in their wings


ahhhhh!!! I love this!!!


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