# halp, I'm in love (infatuated)



## wums (Nov 25, 2013)

sweetraglansweater said:


> Yes. The opposite side to this story is that he pursued me rapaciously. The thing is that we kind of had this on/off dance because he pursued me so hard I ran away and then when I was ready he was hesitant and unsure, among other things.
> 
> I think he likes me but I also think he is amazed that I like him. I think he thinks there is something wrong with me for liking him. Ironically.


Because you've idealized him so much he is intuitively afraid as to whether or not he can live up to the ideal.

He sounds like a Fe user, maybe ENTP or INFJ. Or otherwise, ENFP?

Remember that building someone up in your imagination can come across as psychological pressure. The best way to cure this is any form of communication at all accessible to you. You need concrete examples of why you feel this way. Not just from afar but in terms of how he is ongoingly treating and responding to you.


----------



## BelovedDay (Feb 7, 2013)

sweetraglansweater said:


> Yes. The opposite side to this story is that he pursued me rapaciously. The thing is that we kind of had this on/off dance because he pursued me so hard I ran away and then when I was ready he was hesitant and unsure, among other things.
> 
> I think he likes me but I also think he is amazed that I like him. I think he thinks there is something wrong with me for liking him. Ironically.


Philophobia perhaps? Or maybe your impressions of him are premature?

Anyways he seems like a person who would represent the season of summer, intense, many great things, but often cruel and elusive for those who longs it. I'm not an expert in relationships but keep it chaste and let your worlds merge slowly as it brings you two together.


----------



## sweetraglansweater (Jul 31, 2015)

Advices above duly noted.

Chastity is enforced by religion, distance and my awkward frigidity. No worries there.


----------



## Kirby (May 30, 2015)

Reminds me of a thread about an INFP trying so hard to, and eventually did, confess to a disenfranchised INTJ, who ruled out the possibility of a relationship due to his pessimistic views on love

As far as I can tell, this is a doomed situation between you and him
But there's only 1 way to find out for sure


----------



## SmallData (Oct 29, 2016)

Kirby said:


> As far as I can tell, this is a doomed situation between you and him


All situations in life are doomed. Running away from the pain that comes with the end of something good means running away from the good itself.

"Life isn't beautiful because it lasts forever, it's beautiful because it is finite and precious. It is the greatest gift you've ever been given, do not squander it"


----------



## Kirby (May 30, 2015)

SmallData said:


> All situations in life are doomed. Running away from the pain that comes with the end of something good means running away from the good itself.
> 
> "Life isn't beautiful because it lasts forever, it's beautiful because it is finite and precious. It is the greatest gift you've ever been given, do not squander it"


The flaw in your analogy is that the good is not guaranteed in the stalemate between the original poster and her love interest. There is a real possibility that the love is unrequited; if it were true, then running away from the pain early on is better than senselessly enduring it.


----------



## SmallData (Oct 29, 2016)

Kirby said:


> There is a real possibility that the love is unrequited


No, there isn't.


----------



## Majority (Oct 3, 2016)

Pure, beautiful. Go for it, chick!


----------



## xraydav (Jan 3, 2013)

sweetraglansweater said:


> I have a feeling if I was in the area and able to show up nekkid with a brisket on his doorstep none of this would be an issue...


I came to reply to your thread, but something stopped me. Now I am back, and I want to tell you that you really do love this guy. You wrote a post about him, if you didn't love him then you wouldn't have written all that about him, so what is the issue?

I have a feeling you want him to feel supported, and you want to be helpful to him. That is the issue. Your want, to help others (other than yourself), and in this case, him. 

So in what ways can you help him? Instead of just wanting to "woo him" in some way, what ways can you show you love him, etc?


----------



## sweetraglansweater (Jul 31, 2015)

xraydav said:


> I came to reply to your thread, but something stopped me. Now I am back, and I want to tell you that you really do love this guy. You wrote a post about him, if you didn't love him then you wouldn't have written all that about him, so what is the issue?
> 
> I have a feeling you want him to feel supported, and you want to be helpful to him. That is the issue. Your want, to help others (other than yourself), and in this case, him.
> 
> So in what ways can you help him? Instead of just wanting to "woo him" in some way, what ways can you show you love him, etc?


Updates:

So I reigned myself in and dropped all communication with him. For a week and a half or more everything was radio black. Every day I pined away thinking about him, alternating through fits of extreme emotion only a feeler could understand.


Then he contacted me yesterday. He'd been in a near death car accident and turned out he had a fracture which would take weeks to heal. We chatted, then talked and it was pleasant. Whenever we are together it's easy and smooth. Our personalities turn each other on. I catch him smirking in that quirky way he can only do when he's amused. 

The problem? 

I can't tell if he likes me or realized that he can't have sex (ergo date new women) for 10 weeks due to his injury and is now hitting me up out of boredom. I asked him why he told me about his accident. He said he hadn't heard from me but got my postcards. 

I mentioned in passing my plans to return to the ME to backpack and he said he would like to join me. He occasionally mentions future plans. He tries to get me to hit on him. But he's nebulous and vague. I called him out on it: 
_
Me: So am I like the only chick you are talking to while partially paralyzed ergo the sudden attention?

Him: Well pretty much yeah.

Me: You do realize...that you are one of three to four other guys hitting me up at this very moment?

Him: Yeah yeah

Me: Well at least you have honesty going for you_

/Chat Conversation End

So whatever. I don't expect much. I'm just going to keep on ignoring him. There is another Israeli suitor or two who wants me way more and is working harder to get it more...and there is a gal in Prauge who I could date in a heartbeat. I like this guy alot and I think we'd be great together. But I'm not holding my breath. The ways and reasoning of men are beyond me. Plus, I have a history of falling in love with assholes. He's probably one of them.

I know he's deeply attracted to me. But when he asked if I could have children and I told him the truth the building romance between us was blighted. "I want children," he admits "it'd take a lot for me to stomach the idea of not having my own kids. I'm not sure I am a good enough man to look past it." 

I can only surmise that he's attracted but filed me away into the "fuck not marry" category. Otherwise why bother? He knows the likely hood I can have kids is low and he wants a family.


----------



## xraydav (Jan 3, 2013)

sweetraglansweater said:


> Updates:
> So I reigned myself in and dropped all communication with him. For a week and a half or more everything was radio black. Every day I pined away thinking about him, alternating through fits of extreme emotion only a feeler could understand.
> Then he contacted me yesterday. He'd been in a near death car accident and turned out he had a fracture which would take weeks to heal. We chatted, then talked and it was pleasant. Whenever we are together it's easy and smooth. Our personalities turn each other on. I catch him smirking in that quirky way he can only do when he's amused.


Well, that is important to 'drop all communications' sometimes, because that means you are self-sufficient and know when to take care of yourself and your own needs as well. 

And that's also important, to be so caring about someone, and to talk to them like that, when they have gone through a crises and a traumatic event. 



> The problem?
> I can't tell if he likes me or *realized that he can't have sex (ergo date new women) for 10 weeks due to his injury* and is now hitting me up out of boredom. I asked him why he told me about his accident. He said he hadn't heard from me but got my postcards.
> I mentioned in passing my plans to return to the ME to backpack and he said he would like to join me. He occasionally mentions future plans. He tries to get me to hit on him. But he's nebulous and vague. I called him out on it:
> _
> ...


How do you know the bolded? 

Plus, you sent him postcards, which means you really care about him. If you are the only chick he can think about, maybe it's like you're the only one that was on his mind, when he did have that accident. You sent him postcards, maybe he figured you would be the only one that knows will actually care if he lives or dies. 

And maybe, if you said 'I have three to four guys hitting me up at this moment', he will feel a little undervalued by that statement, and that you do not care for him, even though you clearly do. So he will be a bit apathetic on the surface. 

Despite all these hypotheticals or maybes, above all, he is looking for support, and he is seeing it in you, _so just give him a chance to show how much he cares as well. _



> So whatever. I don't expect much. I'm just going to keep on ignoring him. *There is another Israeli suitor or two who wants me way more and is working harder to get it more*...and there is a gal in Prauge who I could date in a heartbeat. I like this guy alot and I think we'd be great together. But I'm not holding my breath. The ways and reasoning of men are beyond me. _Plus, I have a history of falling in love with assholes. He's probably one of them._
> I know he's deeply attracted to me. But when he asked if I could have children and I told him the truth the building romance between us was blighted. "I want children," he admits "it'd take a lot for me to stomach the idea of not having my own kids. I'm not sure I am a good enough man to look past it."
> I can only surmise that he's attracted but filed me away into the "fuck not marry" category. Otherwise why bother? He knows the likely hood I can have kids is low and he wants a family.


The bolded, do you want him? (The Israeli suitor) If you do, then go for it, but clearly you're not talking about the Israeli suitor here, you are talking about another person. You're not talking about the Israeli suitor, you're talking about this guy. Ask yourself, why? Why are you thinking about him right now? 

The italicized is a good mentality, because you are being again, assertive with yourself, and are an assertive person, because you are looking at how he may be like one of the people who treated you badly from your past, and are enforcing your rights. 

What if he is not? he may be a nice guy, who is coming off as something other than what he is. The only way to know, is if you give him a chance and put yourself in the experience, get to know him better and help him be better if he isn't perfect*. Though, if he is hurtful (psychologically or physically), then just dump his ass. (Which you will be good at, because you are assertive as a person and have experience with asserting your rights, where relationships have become problematic or uncaring.)



> But when he asked if I could have children and I told him the truth the building romance between us was blighted. "I want children," he admits "it'd take a lot for me to stomach the idea of not having my own kids. I'm not sure I am a good enough man to look past it." I can only surmise that he's attracted* but filed me away into the "fuck not marry" category.* Otherwise why bother? He knows the likely hood I can have kids is low and he wants a family.


You are right, guys think completely differently from girls. Research shows this. They go from point A to B based on cardinal directions (turn right, now turn left up ahead), while girls judge a route in a more intellectual fashion, by considering the route along its landmarks (turn right on the next corner shop, and then make a left at the church). 

You can reject it if you want, or you can accept that men think differently from women. So, if he is talking about having a child, maybe that is his attempt of being direct (turn left, turn right), rather than considering the route itself and having children as some sort of obligation or 'definite yes' down the road. (i.e. a landmark).


----------



## Ghostcolors (Aug 8, 2016)

@sweetraglansweater Any new updates with the story? It was a great read/going through the comments. When I read these letters of longing from PerC members, it always baffles me when you guys ask whether or not the person is in to you. Based off what you wrote, he was/is. But he SHOULD have said something concerning feelings for you. But I feel like you guys sell yourself short when it comes to reciprocity of feelings from the other person. But of course, we only get a taste of the story and base that to formulate some sort of advice. Just curious if there has been any new developments to this story.


----------



## Penny (Mar 24, 2016)

sweetraglansweater said:


> I tried dating. I went on some fantastic dates (probably the best dates of my life) with some amazing people.
> 
> The one who stole the cake was not the one I'd anticipated falling for:
> 
> ...


Is he a Cancer? (astrology sign) late June- through July


----------



## Meliodas (Nov 16, 2016)

Men are not complicated. Three letters: S. E. X.

Go out to a movie together, bounce to a bar and get drunk. You will have sex. Tell him you want his babies in emotional pillow talk afterwards, and mention you have written love poetry. Stay the next morning, make some tea and play with his hair or something + rinse and repeat with the sex. 

From the vibes I'm getting about this guy, I will be very surprised if the above does not work.


----------



## Schizoid (Jan 31, 2015)

@sweetraglansweater:

Maybe I'm being old-fashioned here, but I've always thought that if a guy likes a girl, he will make the first move. Even if he is a shy guy, he will still make the first move. If he doesn't make the first move, that means he just isn't that into her. 

Take my parents for example, my dad is a super shy guy and doesn't speak much nor does he have much dating experience, whereas my mom is a very attractive extrovert who easily attract the opposite gender everywhere she goes. 

But somehow, both of them managed to end up together, because my dad made the first move and asked my mom out on a date. 

And then after the first date, they started going on a 2nd date, then 3rd date etc, and then after a few more dates my dad started proposing to my mom. 

Given how shy my dad is, when he met a woman he really loves, he will go all the way out for her and make the first move. 

If I were in your situation, I'll focus on building an emotional bond with him and make him fall for me first, and then I'll leave it to him to make the first move and woo me.


----------



## sweetraglansweater (Jul 31, 2015)

Schizoid said:


> @sweetraglansweater:
> 
> Maybe I'm being old-fashioned here, but I've always thought that if a guy likes a girl, he will make the first move. Even if he is a shy guy, he will still make the first move. If he doesn't make the first move, that means he just isn't that into her.
> 
> ...


men like you are the reason women get lazy.


----------



## Noctis (Apr 4, 2012)

sweetraglansweater said:


> I tried dating. I went on some fantastic dates (probably the best dates of my life) with some amazing people.
> 
> The one who stole the cake was not the one I'd anticipated falling for:
> 
> ...


Why do you think you deserve his affections? What makes you think he deserves yours? You both barely know each other. Affection has to be earned. You both only scratched the surface.


----------



## sweetraglansweater (Jul 31, 2015)

Noctis said:


> Why do you think you deserve his affections? What makes you think he deserves yours? You both barely know each other. Affection has to be earned. You both only scratched the surface.


1) I never used the word deserve. I don't believe the notion is in there at all. But if that's a notion you have about love you are welcome to it. 
2) the post itself is about trying to learn more in order to "earn" his affection. 
3) Obvs we know little about each other, hence the post.


----------



## Noctis (Apr 4, 2012)

sweetraglansweater said:


> 1) I never used the word deserve. I don't believe the notion is in there at all. But if that's a notion you have about love you are welcome to it.
> 2) the post itself is about trying to learn more in order to "earn" his affection.
> 3) Obvs we know little about each other, hence the post.


Some people who believe in fate tend to believe that people deserve affections because of the myth of "love at first sight". I didn't believe that anyone deserves my affections other than the one who has earned it. Trying to learn a little about someone is just scratching the surface. You have to learn eventually all about him in order to get a better feel as whether he's someone worthy or not.


----------

