# My dad and ownership



## Dreamer (Feb 5, 2010)

Ever since my mum married my step-dad, he has had a problem with us watching his t.v or just using it all. If we want to watch a programme or to watch something else, he gets angry (with turning down volume too) Sometimes me and mum want to watch a movie together, but he gives us silent treatment if he let's us. Sometimes with a big inhale of breath or just huffing and puffing out of anger. We hate this, so we often let him have his way and not watch movies. I understand it is HIS t.v, he bought it. But how should we solve this issue? Get another tv? We have no room for any TVs in our rooms at all. If he is sleeping and he wakes up to see us watching tv, he will stare at us till we hand him the remote. Or if he is next to me and I'm watching a programme or playing a game on the tv, as soon as I get up to go the loo, he will change channels and it will be a big drama over getting it back again without the silent treatment (mum too). Is this ok? Should we be ok with this? It's the same with his seat too and gaming machine. Do we have the right to use these things? I thought the tv was for all of us, perhaps I was wrong. If he doesn't want me watching it, I won't. I hardly watch tv


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## yesiknowbut (Oct 25, 2009)

Should you be OK with this?
No. It's an interesting abuse of power play and control, but that's what it is. However if your mother doesn't stand up to this, it's hard for you to do it. Is he controlling in other ways as well? How much freedom does your mother have?


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## Einstein (Aug 10, 2011)

You could offer to buy half of the TV.


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## Luke (Oct 17, 2010)

alfreda said:


> Should you be OK with this?
> No. It's an interesting abuse of power play and control, but that's what it is. However if your mother doesn't stand up to this, it's hard for you to do it. Is he controlling in other ways as well? How much freedom does your mother have?


I agree, it sounds like he is trying to exert power and control. I would worry about him trying to do it in other ways as well.


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## jennandtonic (Dec 1, 2011)

No, you should not be okay with this. It sounds like your mom didn't marry a very good guy...as alfreda said, this is abuse, and even if he's not doing this in other areas, if nothing is done it will spread (I have seen this happen with a couple of friends of mine...it begins with something like this and escalates).


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## Dreamer (Feb 5, 2010)

It's not just the T.V and Xbox, it's his computer and everything else too. I don't really like talking about it, because whenever I mention it to mum she thinks I'm trying to 'poison' him against her and also she doesn't listen to me. Whenever she is angry at him, she will listen to me (a bit) and also people think I'm exaggering. My mum talks about him to her counselor all the time, she is unhappy I think. She laughs with him, but the next day they will get into a roaring argument, next second they are cuddling acting like nothing happened and I will say "What about what you just said Mum" and she will go "Oh, you know how it is! Haha". She drives me crazy...she never listens to me about him unless she is upset with him. I do want to move out, but I currently can't support myself living alone. I would love to tell the whole story, but this place is too open and I don't want to appear like a sorry little woss

Strange thing is, ever since I typed this post up, he has been ok with us watching movies on the t.v. He will still mock the film by mimicking the voices and otherwise just making childish noises if it is a kids film which upsets me. But at least he isn't complaining. Perhaps he found this thread


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## strawberryLola (Sep 19, 2010)

It sounds like he's disengaged. I wonder if you find yourself in the position of playing middle-man sometimes?

If the problem is between him and your mom, they can't use you or the T.V. as an excuse for their emotional avoidance.

Sorry you have to put up with this. Maybe T.V. isn't what you need. If he's escaping through video games as well, I see it as a communication problem in the family- his not expressing his needs constructively (passive-aggression) and your mom pulling away, and you having to bear through the repercussion as a result. Have them talk somehow would be my guess.. and at the same time, what are some things that you can do to become more financially independent?


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## yesiknowbut (Oct 25, 2009)

It's hard for your mother. You are holding up a mirror to her unsatisfactory life, and she is defensive about it: she doesn't want to look in it and see the truth.

It's also far more comfortable, if you can get by day to day, to accept a situation in which you are being abused than to challenge it. Abusers escalate, and the abused are often depressed and don't have the energy for the fight.

She has a counsellor and that is good: it is not your role to cure your mother's problems, and it would be a huge burden to take them on. It is certainly very confusing to you I'm sure, but I think your mother is not being honest with herself what her problems are, and so she cannot be honest with you.

What is important is that you understand what is right and wrong behaviour here: we all tend to trust our parents and growing up around this sort of stuff can lead us to believe it is the norm.....and then to find ourselves in a relationship just like this in later years, not only because we don't recognise this behaviour as wrong, but in some cases because it even feels comfortable because it is familiar.

I would do some reading, ensure that you understand yourself what appropriate behaviours are, and be clear about when they are not happening. Say so by all means, but do not seek to blame or to change. The only people who can set that relationship right, or break it, are the two people in it.

How does your mother feel about the prospect of you leaving home one day? Do you have concerns for her safety? Does she?


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## JayDubs (Sep 1, 2009)

I'm sorry, but monopolizing the tv/computer isn't abuse. He bought them and he's the parent, so if he wants to use it he has the right to do so whenever. Now, I'm not saying that it's fair or the way things _should_ work in a family, and I don't think he was being too reasonable, but nothing says he has to be. The world's unfair that way. 

Here's the thing though. Most people like to _think_ of themselves as reasonable people. Most people like to _try_ to do the right thing, if they're put on the spot. So, next time something like this comes up, ask how he thinks you should all resolve this together. Something like "I know there is only one tv/computer/xbox, and I know it's yours, but I'd like to use it sometimes too. What do you think would be a good and fair way for us to handle this so I can use it sometimes without getting in your way?" 

It fundamentally changes the conversation from "what I want vs what you want" to "what do you think is a fair compromise?" By making the interaction less adversarial, you can make his position less adversarial. 

Of course, this is all assuming I'm reading the situation right, and this really is just about control of the tv/computer/xbox. There's clearly some conflict, but you haven't written about anything outright abusive. If it's more than that (or grows to be more than that), well, you should probably look for more professional help than us internet posters.


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## Thalassa (Jun 10, 2010)

Your step-dad sounds insane. 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but you've posted before on either this personality forum or another about your step-father being unnecessarily hostile and abusive in other ways. I recognize because I remember this English woman posting about her step-dad being very belligerent and irrational in another context.


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## Thalassa (Jun 10, 2010)

Dreamer said:


> It's not just the T.V and Xbox, it's his computer and everything else too. I don't really like talking about it, because whenever I mention it to mum she thinks I'm trying to 'poison' him against her and also she doesn't listen to me. Whenever she is angry at him, she will listen to me (a bit) and also people think I'm exaggering. My mum talks about him to her counselor all the time, she is unhappy I think. She laughs with him, but the next day they will get into a roaring argument, next second they are cuddling acting like nothing happened and I will say "What about what you just said Mum" and she will go "Oh, you know how it is! Haha". She drives me crazy...she never listens to me about him unless she is upset with him. I do want to move out, but I currently can't support myself living alone. I would love to tell the whole story, but this place is too open and I don't want to appear like a sorry little woss
> 
> Strange thing is, ever since I typed this post up, he has been ok with us watching movies on the t.v. He will still mock the film by mimicking the voices and otherwise just making childish noises if it is a kids film which upsets me. But at least he isn't complaining. Perhaps he found this thread


Can you just move out?

Or buy a tv or a laptop and stay in your room?


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## Thalassa (Jun 10, 2010)

JayDubs said:


> I'm sorry, but monopolizing the tv/computer isn't abuse. He bought them and he's the parent, so if he wants to use it he has the right to do so whenever. Now, I'm not saying that it's fair or the way things _should_ work in a family, and I don't think he was being too reasonable, but nothing says he has to be. The world's unfair that way.
> 
> Here's the thing though. Most people like to _think_ of themselves as reasonable people. Most people like to _try_ to do the right thing, if they're put on the spot. So, next time something like this comes up, ask how he thinks you should all resolve this together. Something like "I know there is only one tv/computer/xbox, and I know it's yours, but I'd like to use it sometimes too. What do you think would be a good and fair way for us to handle this so I can use it sometimes without getting in your way?"
> 
> ...


Here's what I think: he's NOT REALLY THE PARENT.

He's a step-parent who is resentful of teenaged/young adult children.

He simply wants them out of his way. If the young adults are indeed adults, they CAN move out, and he is probably old skool "working class" (this kind of shit always betrays class) where you're of age, you get out, and I bought it, it's mine...that's very low class, trashy working class mentality.

Fortunately my own parents and grandparents were above that, and generosity was prized in my family, because we were the upper echelons of a more educated working class, but I was close enough to it to witness the mentality of "it's my house, get out." 

Anyhoo, from a purely pragmatic standpoint, the OP should either move out or buy her own laptop (ideally it does more than television and you can watch movies and play games on it) and stay away from step-dad.

On a more emotional level, the step-dad is being a big, stupid, selfish child who wants the mother but not her children, and the mother is ALLOWING it, so peril to the children. Mummy wants him, and she doesn't even seem to mind when he takes the teevee away from _her _...I noticed that the step-dad throws a fit even when Mum is watching a movie with her daughter, so his ridiculous emotionally abusive behavior extends to the mother as well as to the children.

But as long as the children are adults, and the mother approves of or allows her husband's behavior, the only choice the OP has is to either leave or become more financially responsible for her own entertainment and stay the hell away from him and his precious things.

I'm thinking the step-dad is an unhealthy Si type, because of his obsession with "his chair" and things of that nature.


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## Dreamer (Feb 5, 2010)

Thanks for the advice. I DID have laptops but unfortunately they get OLD and stop working properly. One was second hand from one of his ex mates, but well, the screen was stuck to the keyboard with some sort of tape and just fell off when I dropped it once. His ex-mate just gave me his trash lol. He has taken personality tests and typed as INTP. That would make sense, even though he likes to talk, he doesn't go out and interact much. He isn't at all a 'feeling' type, you can stand right in front of him really upset and he can smile or just keep playing his video games, he hides his emotions really. Sometimes he seems like is just a robot, just absolutely not able to feel any sort of emotion and just absorbs himself into card games on his computer or his racing xbox games. He gets REALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLY angry if he doesn't get his way with whatever it is. Like not getting sweets from Mum or just not getting anything he wants.


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## JayDubs (Sep 1, 2009)

fourtines said:


> Here's what I think: he's NOT REALLY THE PARENT.


Fine, let's pretend for a moment he's just a roommate. I've lived with a roommate before. He actually did own the tv and gaming system. When he wanted to use it, he got first priority, because _they were his_. That's how the world works when you don't own the stuff you want to use, whether it belongs to your parents, or your roommate, or just some random guy off the street. 

As for the rest, maybe there is some abuse going on, I don't know. But nothing abusive has really been mentioned. 

Not being nice =/= abuse. 

Not sharing =/= abuse. 

Being passive aggressive =/= abuse. 

Not being supportive =/= abuse.


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## Thalassa (Jun 10, 2010)

JayDubs said:


> Fine, let's pretend for a moment he's just a roommate. I've lived with a roommate before. He actually did own the tv and gaming system. When he wanted to use it, he got first priority, because _they were his_. That's how the world works when you don't own the stuff you want to use, whether it belongs to your parents, or your roommate, or just some random guy off the street.
> 
> As for the rest, maybe there is some abuse going on, I don't know. But nothing abusive has really been mentioned.
> 
> ...


He's not a roommate. He's their mother's husband.

His behavior is emotionally abusive, because this is his family, and the behavior extends to the mother as well as her children.


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## Thalassa (Jun 10, 2010)

Dreamer said:


> Thanks for the advice. I DID have laptops but unfortunately they get OLD and stop working properly. One was second hand from one of his ex mates, but well, the screen was stuck to the keyboard with some sort of tape and just fell off when I dropped it once. His ex-mate just gave me his trash lol. He has taken personality tests and typed as INTP. That would make sense, even though he likes to talk, he doesn't go out and interact much. He isn't at all a 'feeling' type, you can stand right in front of him really upset and he can smile or just keep playing his video games, he hides his emotions really. Sometimes he seems like is just a robot, just absolutely not able to feel any sort of emotion and just absorbs himself into card games on his computer or his racing xbox games. He gets REALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLY angry if he doesn't get his way with whatever it is. Like not getting sweets from Mum or just not getting anything he wants.


He sounds like a really ridiculous person.

Did your mother marry a twelve year old?


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## JayDubs (Sep 1, 2009)

fourtines said:


> He's not a roommate. He's their mother's husband.
> 
> His behavior is emotionally abusive, because this is his family, and the behavior extends to the mother as well as her children.


So step-fathers occupy a special place where they have no authority, even over their own possessions, but still must provide financial and emotional support? 

Please explain how "wants to use his things when he wants to use his things, and gets angry or passive aggressive when he can't" is emotional abuse.


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## Thalassa (Jun 10, 2010)

JayDubs said:


> So step-fathers occupy a special place where they have no authority, even over their own possessions, but still must provide financial and emotional support?
> 
> Please explain how "wants to use his things when he wants to use his things, and gets angry or passive aggressive when he can't" is emotional abuse.


What she described is someone who constantly hordes the television and torments others for even watching it while he's sleeping, and ruins other people's experience of television watching by making childish comments. That's not exactly the same as someone who is mad that other people are always using his things. 

I have NEVER lived in a house where there was no sharing. It's appalling to me. It's not family-like, but it is something that low class people do, or people who have been to prison, because they're so afraid someone might touch what's theirs...but again, not a way to treat family at all.

It's fine if he commands usage of the television between 6-8 every night for his favorite programs or something, but wanting constant control is emotionally abusive and weird, yes.

Especially if he ignores people all the time and plays video games? The person she's describing sounds like an anti-social adolescent, not a man who should be old enough to be married to her mother.

What I hear here is not authority, but something very bizarre.

Authority is "Daddy gets to watch these shows from this time to this time every night" not "you can't ever watch my television and I'll torment you if you do."

Does this fool even have a job? What is going on in this house that this person is always watching television and playing XBox?


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## JayDubs (Sep 1, 2009)

@fourtines

It's passive aggressiveness. He's probably mad about something else, possibly nothing even to do with the OP. It's not classy or nice or supportive, but it isn't emotional abuse either. There's a huge gulf between being stingy about your stuff and emotional abuse, that is my only point here. 

But anyway, I'm done. Arrivederci.


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## Cover3 (Feb 2, 2011)

lobby your mother to get that guy out of the picture, this is creepy, even my fucked up uncle didn't act like that..(he didn't own the TV though)


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## MonieJ (Nov 22, 2010)

Yeah she needs to divorce or dump his weird ass. 

I wouldn't give a damn if he gave me a glare or not about the t.v, I would still watch it(If I wanted to) and if he tried to pull the remote thing on me I'd get a universal one and use that. 

I understand he is a step parent and should be respected but to get respect you have to give it and sounds like he doesn't
so meh.


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## Swordsman of Mana (Jan 7, 2011)

your mother needs to woman up and get a divorce. a lower income level/standard of living is with it to kick an abusive person out of your lives.


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## yesiknowbut (Oct 25, 2009)

I don't much like the language of abuse either, and I accept that an internet post isn't extensive enough information to really be sure. However, passive-aggressive, controlling and manipulative behaviour including getting REEEAAALLLY angry if small things don't go your way does kind of fit the depscription.

If someone's behaviour is such that their children (step- or otherwise) are unable to relax in their own homes then that is a problem.


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## ShadowComet (Aug 14, 2011)

Uh, first off, TVs come in many different sizes, so I'm very sure you can find one that fits in your room. This would be your first circumvention to his ownership. Now, I'm very personal about my game systems as well, but then aside from Nintendo, most games released on the PS3/Xbox, are single player, and if it is multi player at all, it is usually over the internet. Sorry, but I had to fight for the things I had gotten when living with my parents, and aside from that, I had to work my ass off to get everything else after that.

Circumvention #2: You are how old and still living with your mother? If it is anything over 17, then you need to move out, as not only is he your step-father, but you are at the age as well that sets both of you against each other. He would be figuring that you should be gone already, and you want to run your own life, and you're both in the same household, fighting for your mothers attention.

So yeah, if you are that age or older, and you wish to continue staying in that household, be very grateful for anything of his he does let you use. He's not your Father, he's your Step-Father, so really, he owes you nothing compared to your real father, all he should really be towards you is tolerant of your presence, which does not include a 50/50 usage time of what he buys or has bought.

Now, I know some people get lucky, have really great step-parents, but that doesn't mean you can demand it, or even expect it. You can hope, I've got nothing against that, but realize that the average Step-Parent is not going to be that happy with kids from the previous marriage. The reason for that is, is you being there reminds him that he is second-place, I know I wouldn't be happy knowing I was second, I'd just be nicer about it, but then I would be the step-father that kids potentially like, but if you were 17 or over, I'd still be doing things to get you out of the house, simply because I wouldn't want the competition for your mothers time, now I'd be nice about it, and help you pay for college, but if you decide to hang on to your mother like you'll never see her again if you leave cause it takes you out of your secure little bubble, I'm going to remind you that there is a whole world for you to step out in and make your own bubble with someone you may want to marry, and tell you how much you'll suffer if you hang on to your mother like that, how much she can come to resent you for hanging on to her like that, and if she does allow it to her dying breath, that suddenly you will be alone and the crash from that saftey bubble at that point will be a whole hell of a lot harder than it would be if you started actually getting out into the world.

So yeah, start buying your own things and/or move out, or be happy he lets you use anything of his at all if you continue to decide to live there.

I don't mean to be berating or anything like that, but yeah...the closer you are to 17, and especially more so if you are older, you really should have been thinking about moving out, getting a career, and sorry, but McDonalds or a grocery store are only a career if you go to college for those things, or somehow managed to become a manager, not a supervisor, but a manager, and even then, they send you to management training, which is like college, and yeah, not everyone lasts through it. And FYI, most career waitresses have gone to college, you know why? places like to hire college students and college graduates, and are more and more frowning on High School drop-outs.


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