# Female NF's... your thoughts on Friends with benefits/booty call type relationships?



## Repus (Feb 10, 2010)

Have you ever done it?

Would you ever do it if you've already had sex with this person but for some reason deem that they aren't "relationship material" but you still like them


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## Calvaire (Nov 14, 2009)

Personally some people call me a "commitment phobe"
I'm not into relationships.I'd rather not put a label on something.
But hey If there is a mutual like,and we have fun together and care for each other that's
all that matters.

I also don't think cheating is wrong,It happens,as long as there is no
emotional attachment then whatever.
As long as I'm the girl you want to sleep next to and feel close to then alright.


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## OrangeAppled (Jun 26, 2009)

It's always fun until someone inevitably gets hurt....

Never quite been there, but the friends with romantic vibe is rough enough. If someone is not relationship material, then they are not someone I would want to have sex with. That's just how I work.


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## Blackbird (Jan 14, 2010)

Repus said:


> Have you ever done it?
> 
> Would you ever do it if you've already had sex with this person but for some reason deem that they aren't "relationship material" but you still like them


Yes, I've had a friends with benefits relationship. And I'm not sure if I'd have another one.

It ended badly. We tried to communicate all the time, we were relatively open with each other, but ultimately he wasn't honest about having feelings for me, and I apparently sugar-coated things so heavily during one conversation that I thought I'd clearly ended things with him, while he left thinking we were entering a "new phase of our relationship." Needless to say, when I mentioned I was dating someone else, there was a huge amount of confusion and hurt.

The only reason I'd do it again - the only reason I did it in the first place - is loneliness. The INFP I was involved with turned it into something else for himself (emotional intimacy, healing from past scars, sexual release), but the need for physical intimacy was what prompted me to start the relationship. 

I wouldn't recommend this kind of thing for anyone, as it's kind of sad for all parties involved. What do you tell your friends you are? At the very least you should find someone who is definitely looking for the same thing you are in a FWB relationship. If you just want mindless, emotionless sex, you should find someone who does, not someone who wants more, emotionally. I'm not sure it's worth the possible drama, either way.


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## On the road to Damascus (Oct 1, 2009)

The "idea" of a friends with benefits type of set up is better than the "reality" of it.

I had this type of set up with a friend for about 6 months. We kept it under wraps from our other friends but it just got really awkward. I think I was in need of distraction from another in between relationship that really affected me emotionally.

Suffice it to say that I think this type of set up prevents you really from putting out the good energy vibes needed to attract the type of person you really want in your life and with whom you would like to have a more committed, emotionally intimate relationship with.


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## Blackbird (Jan 14, 2010)

On the road to Damascus said:


> The "idea" of a friends with benefits type of set up is better than the "reality" of it.
> 
> Suffice it to say that I think this type of set up prevents you really from putting out the good energy vibes needed to attract the type of person you really want in your life and with whom you would like to have a more committed, emotionally intimate relationship with.


Agree with all of this.


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## tehTerminator (Mar 4, 2010)

Repus said:


> Would you ever do it if you've already had sex with this person but for some reason deem that they aren't "relationship material" but you still like them


I would and I have. But I really do have to _like_ them to get anything out of the sex.
I am curious as to why you are asking?


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## Crystall (Mar 30, 2010)

OrangeAppled said:


> It's always fun until someone inevitably gets hurt....
> 
> Never quite been there, but the friends with romantic vibe is rough enough. If someone is not relationship material, then they are not someone I would want to have sex with. That's just how I work.


TOTALLY agree. If they aren't right for you, why waste your time ? One person or both inevitably end up catching feelings for the other, and then someone gets hurt.


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## pinkrasputin (Apr 13, 2009)

On the road to Damascus said:


> The "idea" of a friends with benefits type of set up is better than the "reality" of it.
> 
> I had this type of set up with a friend for about 6 months. We kept it under wraps from our other friends but it just got really awkward. I think I was in need of distraction from another in between relationship that really affected me emotionally.
> 
> Suffice it to say that I think this type of set up prevents you really from putting out the good energy vibes needed to attract the type of person you really want in your life and with whom you would like to have a more committed, emotionally intimate relationship with.


It can also prevent you from entering unhealthy relationships due to "horniness". It can cool your engines so you are not as desperate and can hold out for the right person before entering into a committed relationship. 

Both people have to be friends and know what's up. 

I would never be FWB, with a stranger or some random dude. Why? They are not even my friend. And they haven't proven friendship to me. I would think one of my guy friends that I've been talking to for years would be first in line for something like that. Someone I could trust.


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## spifffo (Jan 21, 2010)

I agree with *pinkrasputin. *I think if both people communicate really openly and have respect for each other, it can be a good option if you're not in the right place in your life for a commitment as serious as a relationship, or if logistically you and your friend wouldn't be able to have a relationship without it navigating long distance. Or, if you and the other person have a mutual understanding that you wouldn't work in a serious relationship, but physically have the same need--as long as there's communication and respect, sometimes it's just really nice to have that need met. I don't believe that "empty" sex takes away meaning from "emotional" sex when it comes along--in my own experience anyway, it hasn't.


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## Sunrain (Dec 9, 2009)

Yeh I think if you're both totally honest about what you want then it's ok. Problems occur when one person is kidding themselves that they don't have feelings, or when they're hoping it'll turn into something more, when it accidentally does, when it's an unhealthy re-bound, etc. Rather like with all relationships, there are good ones and bad ones. And ultimately it totally depends on the person.. there are some people it would work with, and some it definitely wouldn't work with. That's all.


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## Stolen (Apr 5, 2010)

Nope, I couldn't do it. But I'm in the minority...I'm not asexual, but I can think of 1000 things on my priority list before sex. If I fell in love with someone I would definitely want to be intimate....but at the moment, I could easily wait 10 or 15 more years to have sex if I didn't meet someone. 

I seriously only think about it .01% of the time. I'd be more interested in having a partner to analyze kids shows on Nick Jr., than one to have casual sex with. True story.


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## Promethea (Aug 24, 2009)

I'm not an NF, but perhaps what I have to share will be useful. I don't think that friends with benefits is a good idea, as a few people have said - someone gets hurt. Well, there is a scientific reason for that. And upon discovering this, I ruled out fwb as an option completely.

"Some people claim that sex can just be sex. It's why "friends with benefits" doesn't work, no matter how little the two parties may feel about each other before the relationship starts. Friends who only ever want to be friends may alter when sex becomes a part of the equation. Why? Well, it's not just the idea of love, when a boy and girl are intimate feelings re bound to develop. Actually, it's something much more chemical and that chemical is called oxytocin and it is released in men and women after an orgasm. 

Sex really can change everything. The intimacy felt post coitus could be the result of that hormone release. It may be why couples are likely to want to cuddle after sex. It is why sex might lead to intimacy and love. Truth is, without the release of oxytocin, you could not fall in love. 

Oxytocin is a hormone that has been studied and considered the cuddle chemical. It facilitates all our important interpersonal relationships including romantic love, and maternal love. It is responsible for our close bonds. It's now assumed to be the chemical that facilitates our interpersonal relationships, which is why it has been called the "Cuddle Chemical". (Oxytocin.org)

Oxytocin is released in the hypothalamus after sex, during lactation and during uterine contractions. It is then released into the blood by the pituitary gland into other parts of the brain and the spinal cord. It then binds to the oxytocin receptors where it begins to influence our emotions and behavior. "

Source: Oxytocin - Why Love Matters - Associated Content - associatedcontent.com


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## sarahtonin (Mar 24, 2010)

i personally couldn't do it. a lot of the pleasure i get from sex comes from my affection for my partner. plus, sex (at least in some people) releases a LOT of the bonding chemical, oxytocin. so often you "fall in love" with the person you're boning even if you didn't mean to... which is unpleasant for both you and your partner. 

it happened to my current boyfriend; he was in a FWB relationship a few years before he met me and even though the girl swore up and down it would just be platonic she fell for him HARD, all the while denying it. he "cheated on her" and showed up for her birthday party covered in hickeys, and ended up really hurting her emotionally. it wasn't his fault; they had an agreement and as an NT he was completely oblivious to her subtle emotional cues. but nevertheless he still feels REALLY guilty about it, and said he wouldn't do a FWB thing again. 

i'm not saying other people shouldn't be allowed to do it; if you're both good at communicating and you know exactly what you want and can handle it appropriately, go for it. but emotions are fickle things, and it just seems like the kind of explosive situation i wouldn't want to risk. it seems like the sort of thing that would work best if both partners are Ts.


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## alogia (Apr 5, 2010)

On the road to Damascus said:


> The "idea" of a friends with benefits type of set up is better than the "reality" of it.
> 
> I had this type of set up with a friend for about 6 months. We kept it under wraps from our other friends but it just got really awkward. I think I was in need of distraction from another in between relationship that really affected me emotionally.
> 
> Suffice it to say that I think this type of set up prevents you really from putting out the good energy vibes needed to attract the type of person you really want in your life and with whom you would like to have a more committed, emotionally intimate relationship with.


Yes, exactly. 
I've been in a FWB situation, and I just ended up feeling empty inside. I thought the physical closeness would do something for me, but I couldn't connect with him on any level. I cannot stand that feeling.


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## plzNthx (Sep 19, 2009)

i guess i just feel that the whole system isn't set up to detatch your emotions from it. it's the closest you can physically get to someone and i personally can't have the action without the intimacy. it's a package deal to me. he he. package.

i don't look down on anyone who enjoys that kind of relationship as long as they're responsible with each other's feelins. yet again, they know more about their situation than i ever could so it's not my place to intervene even if someone _is_ getting hurt. can't say i don't feel for em, though. no judgment, but maybe concern if it's one of my friends and it seems like they're more emotionally involved than they'd like to admit.


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## pinkrasputin (Apr 13, 2009)

I believe it comes down to knowing yourself. I don't believe it is a T vs. F thing. I can separate love from sex. I know there are other people who can as well. But if you know you are not one of them, don't put yourself at risk. Just be honest with yourself.


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## Callie (Mar 27, 2010)

Promethea said:


> I'm not an NF, but perhaps what I have to share will be useful. I don't think that friends with benefits is a good idea, as a few people have said - someone gets hurt. Well, there is a scientific reason for that. And upon discovering this, I ruled out fwb as an option completely.
> 
> "Some people claim that sex can just be sex. It's why "friends with benefits" doesn't work, no matter how little the two parties may feel about each other before the relationship starts. Friends who only ever want to be friends may alter when sex becomes a part of the equation. Why? Well, it's not just the idea of love, when a boy and girl are intimate feelings re bound to develop. Actually, it's something much more chemical and that chemical is called oxytocin and it is released in men and women after an orgasm.
> 
> ...


Thanks I 've always wondered about that. I read somewhere that when you have sex with so, you feel bound for ever with this person. Not sure how much this is true. But from my own experiences, guys I had orgasm with are still special in my heart, even long after the break-up and even if I was the person who broke up... Any thought on that?


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## Halfjillhalfjack (Sep 23, 2009)

I personally agree with what Promethea said, that's what I've heard as well and what I find a good explanation for many of my friends who actually DO fall in love after repeated casual sex.....and who don't understand it and say: "But I thought it was just sex"....you don't have to fall in love, but there is the chance, and I think Helen Fisher once said that by way you do not fall in love with someone you have sex with, but there is the CHANCE that you do and thus you shouldn't have sex with someone you cannot imagine falling in love with..... I don't mean it from any moral point of view, I just think that feelings can get hurt........ I guess this is why I would be very careful with that myself, besides I think that if it were indeed only sex, I would feel kind of empty.....erm, not meaning that I don't like good sex, it's rather that I really like it if I have some emotional connection with that person that (could go)es beyond friendship or sympathy.....otherwise I'd feel completely lonely afterwards........ That's not to say that it might not be really good for other people, but I guess I'm somewhat too emotional for that, erm, I know myself :laughing:.....


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## Deja Vu (Dec 26, 2009)

I don't like if a girl thinks its more than sex. I don need that kind of pressure. Id rather just be honest up front so they can decide what they want
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## truevitality (Jan 18, 2010)

I can't separate the two. I don't want to.


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## badzee28 (Mar 7, 2010)

This is something I tried once, and I really think that it is a bad thing, especially for NFs. I mean really when it comes down to it, you are using someone else for your base desires.You don't really care about that person. You are sleeping with them for yourself, plain and simple. But what about that other person? Someone usually develops feeling, and the act of itself is basically telling them that they aren't good enough for you, and that you only want them for your own personal pleasure. 

It can hit really hard when someone else comes along. When I was doing it, I felt so many emotions, but mostly guilt. Guilt that I was using another human being. And I also kind of felt used by them. You are using each other. The person that gets the feelings for the other person will most likely feel worthless. Once that other prospect comes along, and you tell the other person it is over, it can do alot of damage to someone's emotional state.

It never feels good to be told that you are only a sex toy and nothing more. People have emotions; it's not like you went to a sex store and bought them. And when it is all said and done, what do you tell the person that you are dating? Oh I was just screwing them, but you're not getting it until much later? I think fwbs cheapens when you do get into a relationship. Your are making that person work for what you just gave some other person freely. It takes away from it IMO. And I know it is tough, I did it myself. We all get horny. But I think sometimes we need to remember that we are more than just animals, and that what we do can really damage some else. Is that release worth hurting another human being? It really is a messy road that I think isn't worth all the emotional trauma it can cause.


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## jamisloan (Feb 18, 2010)

JoleneSummer said:


> Personally some people call me a "commitment phobe"
> I'm not into relationships.I'd rather not put a label on something.
> But hey If there is a mutual like,and we have fun together and care for each other that's
> all that matters.
> ...


 
agreed 100%. That's exactly how I feel.


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## Kitten (Mar 28, 2010)

Sex outside of a serious romantic relationships generally disgusts me. 
But this is coming from a person who has only ever lusted after my own boyfriend, nobody else, and for my whole life, guys' physical appearances have never particularly interested me - I've never been able to relate to other girls going nuts over a picture of a random shirtless guy with a six pack of abs or anything like that... so maybe I'm also just a freak. :tongue:

I also have strong views on love and sex in general. Basically, I believe love comes first, and that sex should be a way to express that love, and be able to physically connect with the person you care about most and do something together that you can both enjoy. :3

So nope, no friends with benefits type of stuff for me.


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## FaithfulWife (Apr 13, 2010)

Speaking only for myself here--I've never had sex with someone I didn't actually love and I wouldn't do it. I don't want to just "get off" I want to be close and intimate on every level. And no I don't cling and tie folks down but I don't just casually do the bootie call either. Bootie call is only reserved for one very special person.


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## Later Days (Jan 19, 2010)

If you grow attached, it can hurt like hell. I learned that the tough way.
However, long-term committed relationships can get so comfortable that they're uncomfortable.
I've got an open mind. I just have to remember that the person is not just mine, nor am I just theirs.


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## Linnifae (Nov 13, 2009)

kitten said:


> sex outside of a serious romantic relationships generally disgusts me.
> But this is coming from a person who has only ever lusted after my own boyfriend, nobody else, and for my whole life, guys' physical appearances have never particularly interested me - i've never been able to relate to other girls going nuts over a picture of a random shirtless guy with a six pack of abs or anything like that... So maybe i'm also just a freak. :tongue:
> 
> I also have strong views on love and sex in general. Basically, i believe love comes first, and that sex should be a way to express that love, and be able to physically connect with the person you care about most and do something together that you can both enjoy. :3
> ...


this. 100%


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## A Better Tomorrow (Nov 17, 2009)

I don't like the idea of friends with benefits, personally, I find I still feel empty inside after. In the past, I've tried to use sex to fill some kind of void, but it hasn't helped. I'm trying to make a commitment to not get intimate with a girl again unless I am completely falling for her. I'd rather make love than just have sex. Although I enjoy sex, I think not having feelings just cheapens the whole experience.


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## OmarFW (Apr 8, 2010)

Repus said:


> Have you ever done it?
> 
> Would you ever do it if you've already had sex with this person but for some reason deem that they aren't "relationship material" but you still like them


i've got a friend like this. though we haven't had actual sex, just everything in between. we really wouldn't work in a deep relationship but as friends we get along great.


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## hustina (Apr 15, 2010)

Personally, I wouldn't be able to handle being in one... since I'm so sensitive, I'd have a hard time not getting attached.

>.<


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## mutton (Jan 21, 2010)

Repus said:


> Have you ever done it?
> 
> Would you ever do it if you've already had sex with this person but for some reason deem that they aren't "relationship material" but you still like them


 
No and No.


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## OmarFW (Apr 8, 2010)

hustina said:


> Personally, I wouldn't be able to handle being in one... since I'm so sensitive, I'd have a hard time not getting attached.
> 
> >.<


you can become attached to someone in a way different from the kind of attachment you'd have with say, a boyfriend.

though it is very hard to ensure this attachment type is mutual on both sides and stays that way. that's where fwb relationships end up going wrong.


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## Deja Vu (Dec 26, 2009)

This is bad news for my nf relations.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kitten (Mar 28, 2010)

Duder142 said:


> I don't like the idea of friends with benefits, personally, I find I still feel empty inside after. In the past, I've tried to use sex to fill some kind of void, but it hasn't helped.


I guess you could view it as eating a big cake with icing when you're hungry - that icing sure is delicious, but when you eat it alone, you're just as hungry as before. :mellow: (The cake being love.)

...Actually, I don't like icing, but you know what I mean! XDDD

I've never had sex yet, but I imagine sex is unable to fill a void because it is not something that's "lasting" - it's just something pleasing you do for an amount of time - but love IS lasting... you don't have to be doing anything specific to feel and express love. Love is much more long-term than sex.


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## thegirlcandance (Jul 29, 2009)

They can work if you are open and honest with one another about what it is and expectations, because you can't have one person hoping for something more and the other not wanting anything more than what it already is.

I had this talk with my ENFP friend back around Christmas. I found it interesting how we both agreed that sex isn't really that fulfilling unless its in the context of a relationship. We both felt like when its outside of a relationship its like you're only satisfied to a fraction of what it would be otherwise.


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