# What's with INFJs and disappearing from existence?



## Aluminum Frost (Oct 1, 2017)

I swear to God, this has happened with people ik irl or even just people I watch on Youtube. There's like 5 INFJ youtubers who did this.


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## INForJoking (Nov 23, 2015)

I'm guilty of vanishing. I usually hint at things I'm unhappy with and want to see a change with. If I don't get the reassurance that I need, I'll sometimes just vanish. I suppose that I want an easy clean break over a long drawn out explanation. I will think, " I was telling you all along what was not working for me and you couldn't take a hint and change. Therefore, I'm going to cease to continue. It's easier that way. " I suppose it's due to holding people up to the same standard that I hold myself up to and that might seem very unfair. I'm sorry that we do this. I can understand why it is confusing and sometimes unfair. Usually, though, if someone manages to contact me again, I'll give them an explanation. I'll show them the ways in which I tried to hint throughout it all. I have had YouTube accounts, Skype accounts, amongst other online accounts that I forget passwords to, so I vanish solely due to poor management with said accounts. Other times, I purposely will abandon because I no longer see any purpose. I hope that helps!


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## Hiraeth (Jan 2, 2015)

I just feel the need to be alone. There are times when I vanish and don't feel the need to communicate much with other people, I just want to be by myself. After a while, I come back though. Eventually. I get tired from too much contact with people, and my interests are not the same in intensity, so it's only natural to focus on something else or retreat for a while, or more.


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## Sarahquarius82 (Jan 7, 2018)

Did you get door slammed? We have our reasons, sometimes not good ones to all but good enough in our eyes to make it happen...sorry it sucks, but we do what we have to do to protect our inner selves.


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## Vivid Melody (Apr 25, 2011)

I imagine that's not terribly uncommon with Youtubers in general....especially the introverted variety. People get busy. Life happens. Or people move on with their lives.

The way I see it, no one is entitled to a relationship with me unless the person invested a great deal of energy into my well-being. But even then, no one is entitled. Just in that scenario, that would be a person I should value. It's rude not to acknowledge someone's presence unless they are just toxic in which case, I _really_ don't owe the person anything. I owe it to myself to not allow myself to be mistreated any further. That's about all I could think of but I certainly can't speak for every INFJ on the planet.


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## 0rgans (Jul 23, 2017)

INForJoking said:


> I'm guilty of vanishing. I usually hint at things I'm unhappy with and want to see a change with. If I don't get the reassurance that I need, I'll sometimes just vanish. I suppose that I want an easy clean break over a long drawn out explanation. I will think, " I was telling you all along what was not working for me and you couldn't take a hint and change. Therefore, I'm going to cease to continue. It's easier that way. " I suppose it's due to holding people up to the same standard that I hold myself up to and that might seem very unfair. I'm sorry that we do this. I can understand why it is confusing and sometimes unfair. Usually, though, if someone manages to contact me again, I'll give them an explanation. I'll show them the ways in which I tried to hint throughout it all. I have had YouTube accounts, Skype accounts, amongst other online accounts that I forget passwords to, so I vanish solely due to poor management with said accounts. Other times, I purposely will abandon because I no longer see any purpose. I hope that helps!


I do exactly this, but I am ENFP. Perhaps it is an NF thing?


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## INForJoking (Nov 23, 2015)

0rgans said:


> I do exactly this, but I am ENFP. Perhaps it is an NF thing?


It _could_ be an intuitive+ feeling thing. The losing track of passwords isn't a normal habit of mine. I'm usually pretty organized. I usually am aware and write them down. It wasn't until I was majorly hacked online, then I became all flustered and disorganized with my online passwords. The subtle hinting might be something I do to so I don't hurt the other person's feelings? I know that I can take a hint and tends to hope that other people can, as well. The clean break is due to me wanting to avoid long drawn out drama. No matter how long we draw it out, the end is going to be the same. There is no need to waste either one of ours time. INFJ and ENFP can be quite similar when it comes to certain things. Our functions are in the same order. It's just where you're extroverted, I'm introverted and where I'm extroverted, you're introverted. I could also see an ENFJ or INFP dealing in the same way. My ENFJ sister is also a lot like myself in such manners. I'd say the INFPs that in know would be the ones to vanish more easily due to their own feelings and possibly feeling misunderstood. Human behavior, in general is interesting.


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## catharsiis (Mar 27, 2017)

A thing I've noticed about INFJ's is that sometimes, when they're upset, they won't want to mention what they're upset about directly out of fear of starting conflict or making other people upset. They'll often isolate for a while to think things through and/or blame themselves until someone reaches out to them. Most of the time, they _need _someone to talk about their feelings with them in order to be able understand the situation clearly and solve the emotional conflict.


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## Aquiline (Oct 19, 2016)

Communication is not always worth the effort.


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## Mude (Jan 11, 2018)

I used to ghost when I felt I was putting more into a relationship or endeavor than I was getting out. And to avoid asserting my needs. I'd start feeling drained, resentment would start building, I'd drop a couple of hints, and if they weren't picked up, I cut the cord. 

Nowadays I'm more assertive and expressive with my needs and desires. I used to hide them or feel uncomfortable about it. Now when I feel like a situation is unbalanced or that someone is taking advantage, I ask directly what the deal is and if that's how they want things to be. I'm getting older, life's getting busier, and I'm running out of time and energy to accommodate the bad habits and quirks of people who seem incapable or unwilling to return the favor. Now, I reserve that kind of attention and care for people who seem to value it. Or if these next few years of school go well, the people who pay me for it.


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## Ugajewel (Jan 26, 2018)

I've never ghosted a relationship, but I just shut down my portrait photography business because it was so stressful that I've been almost constantly sick the last 8 months. I'm going to focus on fine art and digital art that won't require as much social contact. I think even though INFJs want to contribute to the world, we have a hard time blocking out the negativity that can come back. I also feel like I go full steam at things and get burned out really fast and it's easier to quit something than back off of it. Just my 2 cents.


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## TalNFJ (May 5, 2017)

It's just a thing we do.


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## nicoloco90 (May 3, 2010)

after 10 years I finally gave up on caring to find out. I tried ... okay.


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## Dissenter (Jul 31, 2017)

The OP isn't an ENFP, thank goodness.


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## Fumetsu (Oct 7, 2015)

This isn't an INFJ thing, it _should_ be a people thing. Sticking around somewhere that does not make you happy is unhealthy.

I just did this last week. I HATE FB. Everyone I had friended ( Sadly, RL friends I wanted to keep up with.) was just SO Obsessed with their meaningless, stupid, drivel. None of it is even original, they just circle jerk to the same nerdy shit ( because life is just one giant Harry Patter reference anymore) over and over.

I warned them. " Friendship is not dragging someone through a daily tour of YOUR world while refusing to so much as stop by thiers." Of course THAT got their attention, so many likes, so many " IKR!" but nothing changed. So I just unfriend them all.
I didn't leave some passive-aggressive rant, I didn't say goodbye. Just,gone. 
If they want to contact me and get together in the real world I will be more than happy to oblige but staying in a situation which makes you unhappy is good for no one.


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## Goetterdaemmerung (Dec 25, 2015)

I have done this h:


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## PowerMechGuy (Dec 10, 2015)

I agree with pretty much all of the above.

For me, it's always been a final resort mechanism.

If I feel like I'm losing myself or that I can no longer be myself while trying to keep up with whatever is going on, I cut it.

This preserves peace, which for me, is extremely important.

I know some people don't like being "cut-off," but in many cases it is for the best.

If I stay I won't be my best, If I try to maintain partial contact, I won't be genuine. So I leave.

I've done some crazy stuff, but being brave enough to do it showed me that I don't have to be another cog in the system.

I can be myself, find the exit, and start anew.

And that's okay.


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## 0rgans (Jul 23, 2017)

PowerMechGuy said:


> I can be myself, find the exit, and start anew.


I agree with everything you have said, but this particular part is especially true...


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## mjn_the_enfp (Jan 24, 2016)

Yeah um, ENFP here. Tfw been _*PARANOID AF*_ about my INFJ doing this to me one day, especially since we only know each other online and there's no way I can hunt...er... find him irl. So every time INFJ goes missing for more than like....12 hours without explanation, especially after a sort of argument, I get paranoid af, my head gets filled with anything between "oh God he hates me I'm a horrible human being" to "oh God he must've got hit by a car and died" 
* *




and then he comes back saying he was only sleeping lol




So just my (unsought) two cents to y'all INFJs, if you ever feel you wanna take the exit, if the person you're pulling the disappearing act on hasn't wronged you in an utterly horrible, heart-wrenching way, please please PLEASE do not torture the poor soul without disappearing without an explanation lol. You can of course leave after explaining though


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## FreeSp1r1t (Feb 9, 2018)

Not uncommon for an INFJ to avoid confrontation. Some INFJs are empaths and can literally feel what others feel. So if things get tough in the relationship and they don’t want to continue then they will just walk away (door slam). In part, this is done because they will feel the pain other person experiences when they tell the other person much of what the have to say. 

INFJs are also very good at understand and predicting behavior. They also see deficiencies. If they believe you just won’t get what they are saying then they may decide not to even try explaining. 

They really are good at seeing inside people and knowing how to anticipate behavior and attitudes.


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## 0rgans (Jul 23, 2017)

FreeSp1r1t said:


> Not uncommon for an INFJ to avoid confrontation. Some INFJs are empaths and can literally feel what others feel. So if things get tough in the relationship and they don’t want to continue then they will just walk away (door slam). In part, this is done because they will feel the pain other person experiences when they tell the other person much of what the have to say.
> 
> INFJs are also very good at understand and predicting behavior. They also see deficiencies. If they believe you just won’t get what they are saying then they may decide not to even try explaining.
> 
> They really are good at seeing inside people and knowing how to anticipate behavior and attitudes.


Also.. I do this, especially now I am older and *try* to think before I act :crazy: 

INFJ's are pretty similar to (mature) ENFP's...


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## Tridentus (Dec 14, 2009)

Because INFJs trust their intuition, and don't bother going through the drawn out process when they can already see what is going to happen.

It seems very sudden to other people, but to an INFJ all they really needed was for the notion to click and then they've already made their decision well ahead of time.


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## Earth.theSaneNeedNotApply (Jan 19, 2016)

Fumetsu said:


> This isn't an INFJ thing, it _should_ be a people thing. Sticking around somewhere that does not make you happy is unhealthy.
> 
> I just did this last week. I HATE FB. Everyone I had friended ( Sadly, RL friends I wanted to keep up with.) was just SO Obsessed with their meaningless, stupid, drivel. None of it is even original, they just circle jerk to the same nerdy shit ( because life is just one giant Harry Patter reference anymore) over and over.
> 
> ...


I just did this in real life. I'm that ever fluctuating INFP/INFJ type (my results consistently swing between the two depending on my overall temperament at the time of testing).

Had a really close friend who I came to realize had built up some resentments over the years. And instead of approaching me about her feelings in a forthright manner (as I thought our relationship warranted), she ended up disrespecting me in some passive aggressive ways. Once I came to this realization, I gave her the opportunity that she never afforded me and addressed her behavior to make sure that what I was experiencing was a result of what she intended to dish out. She acknowledged and gave some bs apology...but by then, the damage was done. I only wanted confirmation of the reality, and I got that. Within short order, I was completely done, in a forthright manner. 

Fast forward a few years later and some therapy and excuses on her part, she makes repeated contact attempts wanting to rekindle. I tried but sometimes just bc you've gotten over something doesn't mean that others are on the same page with you... 

So we had this weird dynamic where, I guess bc I didn't allow for much else, she engaged me (in real life) much like the way you describe the virtual communications over FB...the mindless banter, pics, and contrived storylines of her life, etc...as though she had lost the ability/desire to engage like a real person.... Among that, she'd contact me with the occasional panicked appeal for serious advice at some crises for which she often never bothered to let me know the outcome (she use to do that shit during our "friendship" too...found out about a time she even used my name in a lie to get out of some shit with someone we both knew)... What ever the topic, she rarely ever approached me with anything real or anything thoughtful to ask about my own life. I let it run its course for about a year to allow time for us to reacclimate but then started cutting these superficial text convos off before she could send me the second of a string of probably ten bs pics...never once bothering to ask how I was amidst the onslaught... By the end of the year I just simply stopped responding. Text after text. I figured I gave enough warning by respectfully not engaging when she'd go into 'social media broadcast' mode. Now, couldn't care less what she's texting or calling about, I simply don't respond. If she didn't get the message, it's not my job to school her and my obligation for being fair and forward with her evaporated years ago when she chose to be something other than a real friend. 

I've decided that my desire to adhere to some kind of 'thoughtful honesty' code was only leaving more room for the nonsense and so I've let it go for now. I ghost at will. If someone is confused, thinks I'm a bitch, so be it. Disclaimer: I have zero friends, only casual acquaintances, so this won't be the answer for everyone. I feel dismally lonely at times and with the realization that the only accomplishments of note we ever really have in life are the relationships we've nurtured, I understand that I have virtually nothing. My hope is that I eventually have something real...but I'm certain that I'm not willing to invest in or to even entertain the bs just to have someone to call a friend.

Kudos to you for taking such a solid stance on your life...to only desire to live authentically. I found your description to be very sincere and organic and I appreciated having the opportunity to read such a candid introspection and have it illustrate so closely some of my own experiences and feelings. It's refreshing to find that there are still those who place less value in broadcasting for the sake of it, and who instead, seek to engage their experiences.

I hope that you attract the meaningful relationships that you seek. As the years pass, I'm certain that we'll need them more than ever.


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## Silastar (Mar 29, 2016)

When you improve yourself you must also sacrifice something. Many people or activities are something that works against the process of ideal formation and self-education of an INFJ. For the greater good it must be surpassed.

That or we are simply tired/bored


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## adumbrate (Feb 13, 2017)

I thought I heard someone on the internet saying "why tf are INFJs everywhere? they're not even that rare!" lol
Joking aside, there are several reasons why INFJs aren't really present in real life or online that much. 

(1) INFJs can get drained easily by living a daily life. Even without doing much activities, we can get over-stimulated and need to rest or just retreat from...interaction and actions in general. Inferior Se is the darnest thing sometimes. 
My experience: I had to unfriend a lot of people on Facebook and thought about quitting it all together, since every time I logged in, I felt so drained and exhausted by all the negative energy and drama. 
(2) INFJs can feel painfully torn between "be nice and do no harm" and "speak the truth and lift the paradigm" and in the end it feels like whatever choice we choose will upset someone or not really helping anyway, so we will just shut up and walk away.
(3) INFJs are perfectionists and can expect too much of a relationship or people, when it goes awry, can cause us to choose to retreat until the wound is healed.
(4) I don't know if it's true for every INFJ, but INFJs tend to attract broken people in many different shapes and forms. Since INFJs do not strive to be in the center of attention, this can be bothersome than complimentary.


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## foamonthewaves (Jun 12, 2012)

Aluminum Frost said:


> I swear to God, this has happened with people ik irl or even just people I watch on Youtube. There's like 5 INFJ youtubers who did this.


Ah yes, the INFJ fade.

At least you have not experienced the INFJ door slam...or have you?

<.<
>.>

Honestly, when an INFJ pulls a fade it is because they feel like nothing is going to change, they feel drained, they feel unwanted etc.

It can be any combination of things. In any case, the fade means they have given up and need alone time.


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## foamonthewaves (Jun 12, 2012)

Mude said:


> I used to ghost when I felt I was putting more into a relationship or endeavor than I was getting out. And to avoid asserting my needs. I'd start feeling drained, resentment would start building, I'd drop a couple of hints, and if they weren't picked up, I cut the cord.
> 
> Nowadays I'm more assertive and expressive with my needs and desires. I used to hide them or feel uncomfortable about it. Now when I feel like a situation is unbalanced or that someone is taking advantage, I ask directly what the deal is and if that's how they want things to be. I'm getting older, life's getting busier, and I'm running out of time and energy to accommodate the bad habits and quirks of people who seem incapable or unwilling to return the favor. Now, I reserve that kind of attention and care for people who seem to value it. Or if these next few years of school go well, the people who pay me for it.


Me now days. This so much. I do not have the patience or energy to shut up and put up anymore.


EDIT: I should note that there are a few people who MEAN so much to me that I could not fade or slam the door on them. I'm sure other INFJs have this experience, too.


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## Dissenter (Jul 31, 2017)

Silastar said:


> When you improve yourself you must also sacrifice something. Many people or activities are something that works against the process of ideal formation and self-education of an INFJ. For the greater good it must be surpassed.


Very true.



> That or we are simply tired/bored


Or hurt, or afraid of getting hurt.


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## InTheShadows (May 22, 2012)

I can't speak for others - but like with my main career right now (I'm on the radio). I'm doing it as always but if I had my choice, I'd step away from it for awhile. I'm tired, needing a recharge and just all around worn out.

When I get like that I have to step away or I'll never recharge properly. 

Just a thought?


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## Icuras (12 mo ago)

As empath we act like sponges carrying and soaking up emotions of others. Disappearing is called “burn out”. We must be alone to replenish and regain our energy.


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## bot kino (9 mo ago)

Yeah, I've noticed over the years that a lot of the older Infj youtube channels were deleted. I can't say I agree with it because it seems like a shame to do that because helpful videos are lost, but I'm guessing they had a good reason. Maybe its a privacy thing, or who knows, maybe someone was stalking or harassing. Or maybe they started to doubt the whole MBTI thing. To be honest, MBTI talk can sometimes get a bit culty sounding and its sort of cringe.


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## Mystic MagentaRose (May 7, 2014)

I admit I do this and it's not something I do purposely. Sometimes I just get overwhelmed by things that's happening in my life and just need to relax for a while. From everyone. It's nothing anyone did to me, I just need to be able to relax and not talk to anyone for a few days. It's like taking a mini vacation but from the internet. Sometimes I just want to focus on other things and take care of myself. I get burned out from everything. I'll always come back though and tell the person. My friends have realized over time that this is something I do and are always happy when I contact them again. So, I'm glad their very understanding about it now.


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## Hexigoon (Mar 12, 2018)

> I swear to God, this has happened with people ik irl or even just people I watch on Youtube. There's like 5 INFJ youtubers who did this.


Burn out, my dude. I've had at least 2 semi-popular youtube channels and I experienced burn out with both. The first one I completely shut the channel down because of it (though I felt regret for that, it not only upset people who enjoyed the videos, I wish I could look back on them - I have a bit more respect for my artwork now and don't want to just throw it out like its nothing or not up to my standards),


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## mushr00m (May 23, 2011)

Aluminum Frost said:


> I swear to God, this has happened with people ik irl or even just people I watch on Youtube. There's like 5 INFJ youtubers who did this.


I have noticed this about them definitely. They make themselves so indispensable to others or at least the one's I know do and the 'pooof' gone! In a puff of smoke. I attribute this to that round ball of Fe that endears others and makes them feel noticed and then when it is gone, it's like 'Oh, ok, so you are gone now'. Until it reappears. It seems quite consistent in it's inconsistency back to being consistent again. I find it noticeable via text messages/emails and such.


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## Sankt Muzhik (4 mo ago)

I think it’s an IN thing; I do this sometimes, too.


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## Antiparticle (Jan 8, 2013)

I also like to vanish. To: think, be alone, overthink, relax, try new things, have an emotional breakdown, just do nothing, etc.


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## Antiparticle (Jan 8, 2013)

mushr00m said:


> I have noticed this about them definitely. They make themselves so indispensable to others or at least the one's I know do and the 'pooof' gone! In a puff of smoke. I attribute this to that round ball of Fe that endears others and makes them feel noticed and then when it is gone, it's like 'Oh, ok, so you are gone now'. Until it reappears. It seems quite consistent in it's inconsistency back to being consistent again. I find it noticeable via text messages/emails and such.


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