# Raising your emotional intelligence



## Rouge (Sep 6, 2009)

Found this great article:

Emotional Intelligence (EQ): Five Key Skills for Raising Your EQ


*Emotional Intelligence (EQ)*

*Five Key Skills for Raising Your Emotional Intelligence*

Emotional intelligence (EQ) is a different type of intelligence. It’s about being “heart smart,” not just “book smart.” The evidence shows that emotional intelligence matters just as much as intellectual ability, if not more so, when it comes to happiness and success in life. Emotional intelligence helps you build strong relationships, succeed at work, and achieve your goals. 

The skills of emotional intelligence can be developed throughout life. You can boost your own “EQ” by learning how to rapidly reduce stress; connect to your emotions; communicate nonverbally; use humor and play to deal with challenges; and defuse conflicts with confidence and self-assurance.

*What is emotional intelligence?*

Emotional intelligence is the ability to identify, use, understand, and manage your emotions in positive and constructive ways. It's about recognizing your own emotional state and the emotional states of others. Emotional intelligence is also about engaging with others in ways that draw people to you. 
*Emotional intelligence consists of four core abilities: * 



*Self-awareness* — The ability to recognize your own emotions and how they affect your thoughts and behavior; know your strengths and weaknesses; and have self-confidence.
*Self-management* — The ability to control impulsive feelings and behaviors; manage your emotions in healthy ways; take initiative; follow through on commitments; and adapt to changing circumstances.
*Social awareness* — The ability to understand the emotions, needs, and concerns of other people; pick up on emotional cues; feel comfortable socially; and recognize the power dynamics in a group or organization.
*Relationship management* — The ability to develop and maintain good relationships; communicate clearly; inspire and influence others; work well in a team; and manage conflict.
Most of us know that there is a world of difference between knowledge and behavior, or applying that knowledge to make changes in our lives. There are many things we may know and want to do, but don’t or can’t when we’re under pressure. This is especially true when it comes to emotional intelligence. 
Emotional intelligence is not learned in the standard intellectual way; it must be learned and understood on an emotional level. We can’t simply read about emotional intelligence or master it through memorization. In order to learn about emotional intelligence in a way that produces change, we need to engage the emotional parts of the brain in ways that connect us to others. This kind of learning is based on what we see, hear, and feel. Intellectual understanding is an important first step, but the development of emotional intelligence depends on _sensory, nonverbal learning_ and _real-life practice_.

*Developing emotional intelligence through five key skills: * 


Emotional intelligence consists of five key skills, each building on the last:

Emotional intelligence (EQ) skill 1: The ability to quickly reduce stress.
Emotional intelligence (EQ) skill 2: The ability to recognize and manage your emotions.
Emotional intelligence (EQ) skill 3: The ability to connect with others using nonverbal communication.
Emotional intelligence (EQ) skill 4: The ability to use humor and play to deal with challenges.
Emotional intelligence (EQ) skill 5: The ability to resolve conflicts positively and with confidence.
The five skills of emotional intelligence can be learned by anyone, at anytime. But there is a difference between learning about emotional intelligence and applying that knowledge to your life. Just because you know you _should_ do something doesn’t mean you will—especially when you’re feeling stressed. This is especially true when it comes to the skills of emotional intelligence.

*Raising your emotional intelligence by engaging your emotions*

When you become overwhelmed by stress, the emotional parts of your brain override the rational parts—hijacking your best-laid plans, intentions, and strategies. In order to permanently change behavior in ways that stand up under pressure, you need to learn how to take advantage of the powerful emotional parts of the brain that remain active and accessible even in times of stress. This means that you can’t simply read about emotional intelligence in order to master it. You have to learn the skills on a deeper, emotional level—experiencing and practicing them in your everyday life. 

*Emotional intelligence (EQ) skill 1: Rapidly reduce stress*

When we’re under high levels of stress, rational thinking and decision making go out the window. Runaway stress overwhelms the mind and body, getting in the way of our ability to accurately “read” a situation, hear what someone else is saying, be aware of our own feelings and needs, and communicate clearly. 

The first key skill of emotional intelligence is the ability to quickly calm yourself down when you’re feeling overwhelmed. Being able to manage stress in the moment is the key to resilience. This emotional intelligence skill helps you stay balanced, focused, and in control–no matter what challenges you face. 
*Stress busting: functioning well in the heat of the moment * 


Develop your stress busting skills by working through the following three steps: 

*Realize when you’re stressed* – The first step to reducing stress is recognizing what stress feels like. Many of us spend so much time in an unbalanced state that we’ve forgotten what it feels like to be calm and relaxed.
*Identify your stress response* – Everyone reacts differently to stress. Do you tend to space out and get depressed? Become angry and agitated? Freeze with anxiety? The best way to quickly calm yourself depends on your specific stress response.
*Discover the stress busting techniques that work for you* – The best way to reduce stress quickly is through the senses: through sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch. But each person responds differently to sensory input, so you need to find things that are soothing to you.
*Emotional intelligence (EQ) skill 2: Connect to your emotions*


The second key skill of emotional intelligence is having a moment-to-moment awareness of your emotions and how they influence your thoughts and actions. Emotional awareness is the key to understanding yourself and others. 

Many people are disconnected from their emotions–especially strong core emotions such as anger, sadness, fear, and joy. But although we can distort, deny, or numb our feelings, we can’t eliminate them. They’re still there, whether we’re aware of them or not. Unfortunately, without emotional awareness, we are unable to fully understand our own motivations and needs, or to communicate effectively with others. 
*What kind of a relationship do you have with your emotions? * 



*Do you experience feelings that flow*, encountering one emotion after another as your experiences change from moment to moment?
*Are your emotions accompanied by physical sensations that you experience *in places like your stomach or chest?
*Do you experience discrete feelings and emotions*, such as anger, sadness, fear, joy, each of which is evident in subtle facial expressions?
*Can you experience intense feelings* that are strong enough to capture both your attention and that of others?
*Do you pay attention to your emotions? *Do they factor into your decision making?
If any of these experiences are unfamiliar, your emotions may be turned down or turned off. In order to be emotionally healthy and emotionally intelligent, you must reconnect to your core emotions, accept them, and become comfortable with them.

*Emotional intelligence skill (EQ) 3: Nonverbal communication*

Being a good communicator requires more than just verbal skills. Oftentimes, _what_ we say is less important than _how_ we say it or the other nonverbal signals we send out. In order to hold the attention of others and build connection and trust, we need to be aware of and in control of our nonverbal cues. We also need to be able to accurately read and respond to the nonverbal cues that other people send us. 

Nonverbal communication is the third skill of emotional intelligence. This wordless form of communication is emotionally driven. It asks the questions: “Are you listening?” and “Do you understand and care?” Answers to these questions are expressed in the way we listen, look, move, and react. Our nonverbal messages will produce a sense of interest, trust, excitement, and desire for connection–or they will generate fear, confusion, distrust, and disinterest.  


*Part of improving nonverbal communication involves paying attention to: *

Eye contact 
Facial expression 
Tone of voice
Posture and gesture 
Touch 
Timing and pace 
*Emotional intelligence (EQ) skill 4: Use humor and play to deal with challenges*

Humor, laughter, and play are natural antidotes to life’s difficulties. They lighten our burdens and help us keep things in perspective. A good hearty laugh reduces stress, elevates mood, and brings our nervous system back into balance.

The ability to deal with challenges using humor and play is the fourth skill of emotional intelligence. Playful communication broadens our emotional intelligence and helps us:  



*Take hardships in stride*. By allowing us to view our frustrations and disappointments from new perspectives, laughter and play enable us to survive annoyances, hard times, and setbacks.
*Smooth over differences*. Using gentle humor often helps us say things that might be otherwise difficult to express without creating a flap.
*Simultaneously relax and energize ourselves*. Playful communication relieves fatigue and relaxes our bodies, which allows us to recharge and accomplish more.
*Become more creative. *When we loosen up, we free ourselves of rigid ways of thinking and being, allowing us to get creative and see things in new ways.
*Emotional intelligence (EQ) skill 5: Resolve conflict positively*

Conflict and disagreements are inevitable in relationships. Two people can’t possibly have the same needs, opinions, and expectations at all times. However, that needn’t be a bad thing! Resolving conflict in healthy, constructive ways can strengthen trust between people. When conflict isn’t perceived as threatening or punishing, it fosters freedom, creativity, and safety in relationships.

The ability to manage conflicts in a positive, trust-building way is the fifth key skill of emotional intelligence. Successfully resolving differences is supported by the previous four skills of emotional intelligence. Once you know how to manage stress, stay emotionally present and aware, communicate nonverbally, and use humor and play, you’ll be better equipped to handle emotionally-charged situations and catch and defuse many issues before they escalate. 

*Tips for resolving conflict in a trust-building way: * 



*Stay focused in the present*. When we are not holding on to old hurts and resentments, we can recognize the reality of a current situation and view it as a new opportunity for resolving old feelings about conflicts.
*Choose your arguments. *Arguments take time and energy, especially if you want to resolve them in a positive way. Consider what is worth arguing about and what is not.
*Forgive*. If you continue to be hurt or mistreated, protect yourself. But someone else’s hurtful behavior is in the past, remember that conflict resolution involves giving up the urge to punish.
*End conflicts that can't be resolved. *It takes two people to keep an argument going. You can choose to disengage from a conflict, even if you still disagree.


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## Fanille (Sep 3, 2009)

Nice article.

But why did you put this in the NT forum? Are you saying that NTs are the only people who need to learn this or something? :mellow:


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## Rouge (Sep 6, 2009)

MannyP said:


> Nice article.
> 
> But why did you put this in the NT forum? Are you saying that NTs are the only people who need to learn this or something? :mellow:


Oh I spotted a few threads in the NT forums on this, so I thought it'd be something they could be interested in reading.


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## Verdant Hollow (Aug 25, 2009)

Thanks for the guide Rouge!

I've got skills 1, 4, and 5 down pretty well. It's 2 and 3 that I still have to work on a lot. Having concrete advice on these areas is unbelievably helpful :happy:


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## Rouge (Sep 6, 2009)

tdmg, you're pretty strong in skills 4 & 5. I like how we can often hold opposing opinions without fighting, and still learn something from each other in the process. Anyway, I'm glad you found this guide useful :happy:


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## NewSoul (Mar 27, 2009)

I remember taking a little EQ test online and I scored *really* low. Maybe I should take a look at this. :laughing:


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## Scruffy (Aug 17, 2009)

My training was growing up with 3 F's in my immediate family.

This is some great advice. I just need to work on 3, "whats wrong?" "NOTHING IS WRONG I'M FINE".


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## Lawliet (Nov 1, 2008)

Here the *EQ Test* to test you EQ level.

I read once that ENTJ has the highest EQ among all types,I would really like an input from ENTJ about emotional intelligence,since I only get 89 on above test..:frustrating:


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## Everyday Ghoul (Aug 4, 2009)

I score pathetically low on those tests. I'm working on it, very hard, but progress is coming slowly. Still, progress is progress.


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## skycloud86 (Jul 15, 2009)

*Emotional intelligence (EQ) skill 1: The ability to quickly reduce stress.*
*
I think I'm fairly OK at this, but there are times when I'm so angry/stressed that it can take a while for me to calm down.*

*Emotional intelligence (EQ) skill 2: The ability to recognize and manage your emotions.*

*I suppose I'm average at this. I can usually tell what I'm feeling and what to do about it.*

*Emotional intelligence (EQ) skill 3: The ability to connect with others using nonverbal communication.*
*
I'm far better at NV communication than I am at verbal communication.*

*Emotional intelligence (EQ) skill 4: The ability to use humor and play to deal with challenges.*

*I don't think I'm very good at this, and this is probably something I should work on.*

*Emotional intelligence (EQ) skill 5: The ability to resolve conflicts positively and with confidence.*

*I suppose I'm average at this. I don't get into too many conflicts, though.*


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## Singularity (Sep 22, 2009)

Lawliet said:


> Here the *EQ Test* to test you EQ level.
> 
> I read once that ENTJ has the highest EQ among all types,I would really like an input from ENTJ about emotional intelligence,since I only get 89 on above test..:frustrating:


Interesting test. I got 115.


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## Singularity (Sep 22, 2009)

*Emotional intelligence (EQ) skill 1: Rapidly reduce stress*
This is where I need the most work.

 *Emotional intelligence (EQ) skill 2: Connect to your emotions*
Getting pretty darn good at this one.

 *Emotional intelligence skill (EQ) 3: Nonverbal communication*
I'd say I'm satisfactory here.

 *Emotional intelligence (EQ) skill 4: Use humor and play to deal with challenges*
Yes, when this is appropriate I do this. 

 *Emotional intelligence (EQ) skill 5: Resolve conflict positively*
I definitely _try_ to do this, but I don't always find other people willing to reciprocate.


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## Rouge (Sep 6, 2009)

Singularity said:


> Interesting test. I got 115.


Well done Singularity! Are you now ready to cross over to the dark side and join us, the INFJs? :crazy:


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## snail (Oct 13, 2008)

Snapshot Report 
Self-report Component
Subscale IQ score = 120
Subscale percentile = 91 


According to your self-report answers, your emotional intelligence is good. People who score like you do feel that they have little trouble understanding and dealing with their own emotions and those of others. They generally are able to overcome difficulties in their lives and they are able to control their moods in all but the most trying of times. It’s easy for them to motivate themselves to overcome obstacles and reach their goals. In addition, they find social interactions to be quite easy and fulfilling, for several reasons. They are comfortable allowing themselves to get close with others, and feel comfortable being vulnerable enough to establish intimacy. They also report having an easy time offering support to others; this is likely due to an empathetic nature and a clear mind when it comes to offering good advice. 




I don't agree with this. I don't control my emotions at all. It isn't possible to control them. They happen to me, just as I experience any other sensation, like touch.


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