# My mom rummaged through my shit and found my vibrator. Now what?



## The Proof (Aug 5, 2009)

all I can do is offer you my viewpoint

my approach would be "yea, I got a dildo, so what?"

if your mom's your mom then she probably knows about sex, if she disapproves you just tell her that you're a normal human being and yes you have all the natural impulses, if she doesn't understand or refuses to understand, just tell her to deal with it

if she can't, then that's her problem


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## Eerie (Feb 9, 2011)

Mutatio NOmenis said:


> I was getting used to boxer shorts. Now to hurt your sanity...
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Pics were not necessary...omg.


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## sprinkles (Feb 7, 2010)

Hopefully one day soon she will be out of your hair. Then tell her to piss off from a safe distance. And don't go back once you have done that, no matter what.


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## redmanXNTP (May 17, 2011)

Well . . . sounds like it's time to leave home. Not today, but as soon as you can get it all together and depart. 

Sorry you're going through this.


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## redmanXNTP (May 17, 2011)

Mutatio NOmenis said:


>


Hey, I can see my Congressman's field office from here!


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## lemonlemon (Mar 22, 2011)

Argh, so sorry... _Can _you leave, or are you saving for school?


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## Eric B (Jun 18, 2010)

vivacissimamente said:


> Update: she came into my room when she got home from work last night and demanded I throw it away. I tried to be reasonable at first but it ended up blowing up into one of the worst altercations we've ever had.  Note: when I said "we aren't close" I really was exaggerating the fact that we have a totally horrible relationship. So to those of you who gave advice pertaining to keeping our relationship intact-- it's really appreciated, but there's not much to keep intact.
> 
> Putting a lock on my door wouldn't really help anything because last night she was insisting that "*I don't have rights*," "I'm not an adult" and "I'm in her house so *I have no freedom and have no choice* but to do whatever she says." And she also informed me that she'll be coming into my room every day to search my things and make sure I threw it away.
> 
> I think it's hopeless at this point.


 :shocked::shocked::shocked: Wow! It sounds like you would be better off packing up your things right this minute and going back to your college dorm for the summer, (if they allow students to stay there, or if you stayed somewhere off campus. Also, be prepared to find a way to try to pay for yourself, if she's paying for your college). 
That is surely an neurotically unhealthy relationship, and not worth trying to remain in the situation. One you might even be scarred from long after you do move out. 

(Curious, what type is she, and any sort of religious background?)


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## Monte (Feb 17, 2010)

Lol fuck her.

Wave it in her face, tell her she should be happy that you're not fucking the entire neighborhood instead.


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## Ormazd (Jan 26, 2010)

vivacissimamente said:


> Update: she came into my room when she got home from work last night and demanded I throw it away. I tried to be reasonable at first but it ended up blowing up into one of the worst altercations we've ever had.  Note: when I said "we aren't close" I really was exaggerating the fact that we have a totally horrible relationship. So to those of you who gave advice pertaining to keeping our relationship intact-- it's really appreciated, but there's not much to keep intact.
> 
> Putting a lock on my door wouldn't really help anything because last night she was insisting that "I don't have rights," "I'm not an adult" and "I'm in her house so I have no freedom and have no choice but to do whatever she says." And she also informed me that she'll be coming into my room every day to search my things and make sure I threw it away.
> 
> I think it's hopeless at this point.



That sounds pretty abusive to me. :/ You still have rights as a person, no matter whose home you're living in.


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## Erbse (Oct 15, 2010)

Did your mom partake in the Hitler youth? Sounds like my grandpa.


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## Fizz (Nov 13, 2010)

Erbse said:


> Did your mom partake in the Hitler youth? Sounds like my grandpa.


You live in Germany so I trust that you aren't joking :mellow:


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## Blocklos (Feb 22, 2011)

Up until this point, I haven't really had any words of wisdom. But....

If she wants to play Nazi, you could always play Anne Frank. 

AIR FRESHNER DIVERSION SAFE BRAND NEW | eBay

Safewise Security Aquanet Hairspray

Amazon.com: Pringles Can Diversion Safe - Hide your Money: Electronics


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## Kriash (May 5, 2011)

vivacissimamente said:


> Update: she came into my room when she got home from work last night and demanded I throw it away. I tried to be reasonable at first but it ended up blowing up into one of the worst altercations we've ever had.  Note: when I said "we aren't close" I really was exaggerating the fact that we have a totally horrible relationship. So to those of you who gave advice pertaining to keeping our relationship intact-- it's really appreciated, but there's not much to keep intact.
> 
> Putting a lock on my door wouldn't really help anything because last night she was insisting that "I don't have rights," "I'm not an adult" and "I'm in her house so I have no freedom and have no choice but to do whatever she says." And she also informed me that she'll be coming into my room every day to search my things and make sure I threw it away.
> 
> I think it's hopeless at this point.


I'm sorry 
I hope things get better for you.

My mom used to be the same way towards sex (and privacy in general) for the longest time. It didn't affect me so much because I'm asexual, but she went crazy towards my brothers. She was always looking through our stuff, and sometimes she would bring up incredibly personal stuff out of journals, or notes we had in our rooms, and demand we talk about it. My oldest brother actually got in major trouble because he had a box of condoms in his room(he was 20! I would have been more concerned if he didn't XD)

Things began to change when she got a divorce though, she's much more mellow now, and she hasn't set foot in my room in almost two years(except when I was in the hospital and she cleaned it for me XD) She's much less uncomfortable with sex too, and has even had productive conversations about it with my 17 yr old cousin who's mom is exactly like my mom used to be.

I think she was just having a hard time dealing with her marriage, so she took it out on us. Maybe your mom is also going through a hard time in her marriage, and finding your vibrator was something she was emotionally unready for and it pushed her over the edge?
Whatever the reason, it isn't acceptable, but sometimes it's good to try and understand why people react the way they do.

Have you tried asking her why it makes her so uncomfortable?


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## Erbse (Oct 15, 2010)

Fizz said:


> You live in Germany so I trust that you aren't joking :mellow:


He's quite the nutcase, but I've learned to tip toe around the mines, to not have unfounded anger and judgmental holier than thou stuff detonate into my face. Although it is quite amusing if it happens, never knew that raging 4 year olds can survive into the 70's.


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## redmanXNTP (May 17, 2011)

Blocklos said:


> Up until this point, I haven't really had any words of wisdom. But....
> 
> If she wants to play Nazi, you could always play Anne Frank.
> 
> ...


The vibrating can of Pringles might not work . . .


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## Blocklos (Feb 22, 2011)

I am sure that could be prevented. Electronics are generally not self-animating in my experience.


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## zelder (Apr 17, 2011)

vivacissimamente said:


> Update: she came into my room when she got home from work last night and demanded I throw it away. I tried to be reasonable at first but it ended up blowing up into one of the worst altercations we've ever had.  Note: when I said "we aren't close" I really was exaggerating the fact that we have a totally horrible relationship. So to those of you who gave advice pertaining to keeping our relationship intact-- it's really appreciated, but there's not much to keep intact.
> 
> Putting a lock on my door wouldn't really help anything because last night she was insisting that "I don't have rights," "I'm not an adult" and "I'm in her house so I have no freedom and have no choice but to do whatever she says." And she also informed me that she'll be coming into my room every day to search my things and make sure I threw it away.
> 
> I think it's hopeless at this point.



One of the realities of life is that most people never get the resect they want untill they command it. All your problems will disappear when you demand your independence and move out permanently. I suggest you tie the knot with your boyfriend and live happily ever after together. Your conservative mother should not have any objections, and I bet you will be happier. Frankly, I found it easier to finish college once I was married. There's nothing wrong with getting married young and it's financially easier as long as you don't have any kids.


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## redmanXNTP (May 17, 2011)

Blocklos said:


> I am sure that could be prevented. Electronics are generally not self-animating in my experience.


Thanks. .


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## viva (Aug 13, 2010)

zelder said:


> I suggest you tie the knot with your boyfriend and live happily ever after together. Your conservative mother should not have any objections, and I bet you will be happier. Frankly, I found it easier to finish college once I was married. There's nothing wrong with getting married young and it's financially easier as long as you don't have any kids.


LOL. Oh god, believe me, I wish this was an option. But I don't think we're ready for that quite yet. :tongue: I've also always been a firm believer in finishing college before I get married-- and besides, I only have one year left of school.

I really appreciate all the advice and sympathy I have recieved here. It really made me feel a lot better, as things have not been easy for me since I came home for the summer. If I was able to move out, believe me, I would in a heartbeat-- but it's just not an option right now. I'm not financially independent, although I do support myself with money I make from work, it's not enough for me to pay rent. I also just started working this week after job-searching for six weeks, so I'm way too low on funds to make that transition right now. Returning to school for the summer isn't an option, either, because I landed this awesome full-time job here at home and definitely should stay and take advantage of that opportunity. All my parents provide for me at this point is a roof over my head during summer and winter break, and $5,000 a year for my schooling (which they certainly hang over my head). Thankfully, I'll be a senior this year, so this is the last summer I will have to deal with this.

For the record, I wasn't even supposed to be living at home at all this summer because I know how unhealthy it is for me, but my living arrangements fell through last minute and I unexpectedly had to move back home last month. So I was proactive about it originally, but circumstances ultimately have made it impossible for me to escape this summer. But that's okay since this will be my last chunk of time at home (thank goodness).



Eric B said:


> (Curious, what type is she, and any sort of religious background?)


She's an ESFJ, and while that does play a role in our interactions, the problem lies more in the fact that she is legitimately mentally unstable to the point where I don't think it would hurt her to be institutionalized. She would not be able to survive on her own or work a regular job were she to ever separate from my father (she's my dad's receptionist) and she refuses treatment, nor does she admit she has a problem. I know for sure she's bipolar but I also think she has a slew of other issues. Last night during our big fight she played the card she always does-- "You resent me, and I've never done anything to hurt you." I proceeded to mention all the verbal abuse I endured from her growing up and she burst into tears, calling me a liar, saying I made it all up, that _I'm_ delusional... she completely lives in an alternate reality where the only things that are true are the things she wants to believe are true, even if they are completely manufactured lies. She truly lives in a different world.

In terms of religious background, her parents are very religious (her dad was a pastor) but I honestly have no idea how many of those beliefs she still holds herself. My parents don't go to church, and my mom never talks about her spiritual beliefs. She doesn't have any of the good stereotypical characteristics of a religious person (kind, caring, etc), but she does exemplify all the bad stereotypes, like being judgmental and close-minded.


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## angularvelocity (Jun 15, 2009)

zelder said:


> One of the realities of life is that most people never get the resect they want untill they command it. All your problems will disappear when you demand your independence and move out permanently. I suggest you tie the knot with your boyfriend and live happily ever after together. Your conservative mother should not have any objections, and I bet you will be happier. Frankly, I found it easier to finish college once I was married. There's nothing wrong with getting married young and it's financially easier as long as you don't have any kids.


I agree with you. The last time I saw her, I was taking her ring off her right hand and placing it on her fourth finger of the left hand... just for "fun." Oops.

Contrary to what Viva said, I also agree that it is easier to finish college when you're married.. I told her we had three months to hurry this business up and make school easy for her and all!!!!


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## Donkey D Kong (Feb 14, 2011)

vivacissimamente said:


> I'm one step ahead of ya... hid it in my car yesterday. :tongue:
> 
> Not that I can get much use out of it there...


Technically, you could... but you may have to deal with people watching you


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## kindaconfused (Apr 30, 2010)

Axe said:


> Technically, you could... but you may have to deal with people watching you


that and the foggy windows


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## Hokahey (Oct 8, 2010)

vivacissimamente said:


> I'm one step ahead of ya... hid it in my car yesterday. :tongue:
> 
> Not that I can get much use out of it there...


Well sneak it in at night and then replace it later or early morning.


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## Mutatio NOmenis (Jun 22, 2009)

Here's an idea: rickroll your mom with porn.


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## Sara Torailles (Dec 14, 2010)

Mutatio NOmenis said:


> Here's an idea: rickroll your mom with porn.


This, of course, brings scarring images of Rick Astley singing "Never Gonna Give You Up" in his birthday suit.


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## jay_argh (May 27, 2011)

Axe said:


> Technically, you could... but you may have to *deal with people watching you*





kindaconfused said:


> that and the *foggy windows*


Problem solved. Let 'em wonder. ;-P


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## MachinegunDojo (Dec 27, 2009)

Fizz said:


> But why was your dick out in the first place if it wasn't being wanked and it wasn't peeing on something?


Sometimes it's nice to let it feel the breeze haha. 



vivacissimamente said:


> I'm one step ahead of ya... hid it in my car yesterday. :tongue:
> 
> Not that I can get much use out of it there...


It's a great place and mobile, only a problem if you get caught.... but I guess that _*is*_ the problem. :tongue:

Sorry your mom is so closed to the issue, but it is her house and sometimes the rules f'n suck.


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## Ormazd (Jan 26, 2010)

I would like to apologize beforehand for what I'm about to write.




vivacissimamente said:


> I'm one step ahead of ya... hid it in my car yesterday. :tongue:
> 
> Not that I can get much use out of it there...



The first thing I thought of when I read this, was something along these lines:

POWER YOUR VEHICLE WITH YOUR ORGASMS! IT'S BRILLIANT!


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## Hiccups24-7 (Oct 17, 2009)

You could develop a new addiction to cucumbers! buy like ten and put them in the fridge and then take one out each night and eat the evidence!


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## Eylrid (Jun 25, 2009)

If you have an iphone:
MyVibe for iPhone, iPod touch, and iPad on the iTunes App Store


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## Jennywocky (Aug 7, 2009)

Ormazd said:


> The first thing I thought of when I read this, was something along these lines:
> 
> POWER YOUR VEHICLE WITH YOUR ORGASMS! IT'S BRILLIANT!


Wow. I mean, I just plug my cell phone in when I get in the car. I guess I could add a few other things to the regimen, especially if it saves gas.


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## AussieChick (Dec 27, 2010)

@vivacissamemente,here's a suggestion if not already mentioned.Buy your mother a vibrator and write a little note saying try this explaining the benefits of using it, and that it may make her feel much better afterwards.It's a longshot i know but maybe your mother hasn't ever used one if she is such a prude.

And i agree she had no right invading your privacy you are almost an adult and have a right to be respected in this way.My daughter is almost 18 and will soon be classed as an adult (in Australia you are legally an adult at 18)If she wanted a vibrator i would not have any say in the matter.


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## abster (Feb 9, 2011)

arghhh...to parents who do that! I can relate cos my mum used to rummage through my stuff, thank goodness i have moved out of home! My mother doesnt get boundaries or privacy and parents like that dont. The only way out of it is to finish college, get a job and not have to live home with the parents. As long as ur under their house, you wont really have much of a say. The more i put my foot down and showed my mum i was a capable adult, the more she reacted. It was distressing having to prove myself all the time or show her i am not a kid anymore but it was worth telling my mum many times how it is: im an adult, i need my privacy. 

If ur mum has set ideas and opinions about sex and if she still views you as a child. You cant really change her. You can only tell her as it is that you are an adult whether she accepts this or not and that you will not always agree with her views such as she wont agree with urs. Telling u that what u do with a vibrator is her business is a of manipulatting you until you get distressed enough you'll give in and u'll be mommy's lil angel again. Well dont give in and dont show her that you are distressed by it at all. My mum had to get over me growing up eventually and having a mind of my own,if she wasnt she was going to lose an awesome daughter.

Well i hope ur mum realises that if this is the way she'll treat you than it sounds like she will never have a chance of ever getting close to u. My mum had to set down her misconceptions about the way i lived my life. It sounds like your mother needs to set aside her misconceptions about a vibrator.


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## MXZCCT (May 29, 2011)

vivacissimamente said:


> I turn to you all because I am legitimately fucking baffled as to how to handle this situation. Basically, I'm almost 21 and clearly an adult, and I'm home from college for the summer. I've been stashing my vibrator in my nightstand since I've been home. My mom decided to go through my stuff today while I was at work and discovered it. As if that's not bad enough, she decided that being like a normal parent and simply not mentioning it to me was not satisfactory. Rather, she confronted me about it telling me that it's inappropriate for me to own it and to "bring it into a house with children" (my sisters are 14 and 16... yeah I'm sure they've never masturbated. _sarcasm._) I mean seriously what the fuck?
> 
> I'm literally so floored and don't know how to handle this at all. What do I even say to her? I just kept saying it was inappropriate for her to have gone through my things like that but I feel SO FUCKING AWKWARD even breaching the main subject at hand with her-- we aren't close at all. I don't know what to do. This is horrendous. I was at her office when she brought it up so I just stormed out without even addressing it.
> 
> And feel free to make fun of me all you wish but I'm legitimately distressed.


I'm trying to figure out your mother.
I can't believe she had the *audacity* to go through all your shit, found something she did not like of your *personal* belongings, then *confronted* you about your vibrator at her work place! 

Simply put. If I were you, I would say. Fuck this situation. Fuck you. And Fuck anybody who thinks a female 20/21 year old cannot own a vibrator. You did nothing wrong. You kept it out of sight. Its not like the vibrator was sitting on the kitchen table/counter. Tell mom she better get used to it, you are your own person by now.

Oh, and you want your property back. Considering what the vibrator is used for, I doubt she wants to "hold on to it".


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## Inev1t4bl3 (Jul 20, 2010)

I liked Snail's idea. Some others:

1. Craigslist... find someone sane in need of a roommate (background check first). 

2. Until then, you may want to consider having a heart to heart with your Dad about this. It sounds creepy, but consider that if your mom has not had relations with him for 10 years that she has basically ruined this mans sex life. When he hears that she is trying to ruin your sex life, he is likely to get pissed and put his foot down. Dad's are often very protective of their daughters. 

3. How do you like living in crazy town? I bet you don't. Now that you are an adult, don't EVER live under her roof again. You know what that is like, so DON'T DO IT. 

4. The evil part of me would consider having a birthday party for her (in a year or so). Make it a surprise and invite all her culty churchy friends. Give her a present... a great big dildo vibrator. Explain as she opens it in front of her friends that you are tired of her trying to take yours, so you decided to give her one of her own. Describe all the features in enthusiastic detail. Let her feel what it is like to have her boundaries invaded. 

5. Your mom sounds like she needs help. Who know's what her issue is, it could be bipolar, or she may have borderline personality disorder. She needs some help, and I bet if you talk to Dad and got him on the same page, you may be able to get her some. 

Note the birthday party thing is a bit of a joke, although I have done similar things. Then again, I came out of a cult and I take boundary violations like this pretty seriously nowadays. There is no reasoning with crazy, I am afraid. Sometimes you just have to leave the crazy behind you (even if that means your parents) and move on without it.


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## NekoNinja (Apr 18, 2010)

Eric B said:


> OK.
> Cognitively, however, another point is that ESJ's have Se in the (quite literally in this case) "critical parent" or "witch" position. That means they are keen at seeing/hearing/smelling, etc. things in the current context (emergent tangible data) out of place, in order to find fault or wrong. (It shadows their internal storehouse of data on the way things "should" be). It just comes to them. They zero in and catch everything. Even from a distance or other obscuring of the data. I call them "hawks". (And my wife gets annoyed at me, but that's exactly what it's like).
> 
> So, good luck with that. Sorry the campus thing fell through. Are there any other relatives or friends you could go to?


Hey hey, whoa there. Don't confuse our epic Se function with a crazy psychotic _Si_ user. =P


@vivacissimamente
You have to stand your ground. This is no longer just about a simple vibrator, but rather an issue of privacy and control. If your mother can't respect your privacy then I suggest that you begin looking for a different place to stay while not at college. And make sure to tell your mother that you are looking for somewhere else to stay because she cannot respect your privacy. 

While she can argue that that is her house and such, you certainly don't have to stay there. And there is nothing that says "and am an adult and deserve to be treated as such" than the statement "I am leaving."

I'm sure that there is at least _somewhere_ that you can stay at for a couple of months?


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## Eric B (Jun 18, 2010)

NekoNinja said:


> Hey hey, whoa there. Don't confuse our epic Se function with a crazy psychotic _Si_ user. =P


 What I was describing was an Si user's _*shadow*_ Se, and it would fit the bill; psychoticism and all.:wink:


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## My Sweet Stalin (Jun 15, 2011)

It sounds like you did the best thing you could do under the circumstances. All these posts suggesting you confront your mom about her views on vibrators don't take into account the power dynamic you're stuck with or, more importantly, that confrontational arguments--no matter how brilliantly constructed and executed--don't change people's minds anyways. And since this is already a confrontation, a more persuasive approach is simply not on the table.

As you and others have said, she gets to make the rules. But simply being in a position to make the rules does not by itself give someone's rules any sort of moral standing, and when the rules are unreasonable, breaking them ceases to be a moral issue and simply becomes a strategic one. A key point in your favor is that the vibrator makes her uncomfortable (and damn is that funny to type), so she probably doesn't even want to think about it if she doesn't have to. Never bringing the subject up again may let her convince herself that you've gotten rid of it. Obviously you know your mother and I don't, but I think this would be true for most people who aren't comfortable with certain realities of others' lives.

Maybe there's a local lovers' lane you can drive yourself out to on lonely nights? :wink:


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## Hiccups24-7 (Oct 17, 2009)

.....................................or use one of the cucumbers but not eat the evidence and make your mum a cucumber sandwich!

"oh thanks sweetie", "that's ok mom .........................._mmwwahahahaha!!!!!_".


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## Fizz (Nov 13, 2010)

Hiccups24-7 said:


> .....................................or use one of the cucumbers but not eat the evidence and make your mum a cucumber sandwich!
> 
> "oh thanks sweetie", "that's ok mom .........................._mmwwahahahaha!!!!!_".


That's quite possibly the most disgusting thing I've read on this forum ever.


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## AussieChick (Dec 27, 2010)

Fizz said:


> That's quite possibly the most disgusting thing I've read on this forum ever.


Yes it is rather vulgar,but i do find it to be quite funny,and a good way to get revenge.But make sure that you wash the cucumber first before making the sandwich.....or perhaps not.


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## SenhorFrio (Apr 29, 2010)

get a box with a lock on it, she has no right to go through you're stuff, and if she is worried about kids getting to it, then you'd atleast have it somewhere they would get at it.


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## Hiccups24-7 (Oct 17, 2009)

Ozziechick1966 said:


> Yes it is rather vulgar,but i do find it to be quite funny,and a good way to get revenge.But make sure that you wash the cucumber first before making the sandwich.....or perhaps not.


depends on how evil you're feeling at that particular moment! xP
but yeah you don't want to feel guilty afterwards, maybe just a light rinse!



SenhorFrio said:


> get a box with a lock on it, she has no right to go through you're stuff, and if she is worried about kids getting to it, then you'd atleast have it somewhere they would get at it.


brilliant idea, but I bet she'd guess what's in there and just take the whole box and make you open it later in front of her. Maybe put a love note in there first as a smokescreen! Then once you're sure she's over it!


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## My Sweet Stalin (Jun 15, 2011)

Maybe as you're getting close to the end of your stay you can set out one of those cans with a spring loaded snake in it.


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## Vexilla Regis (May 4, 2011)

Hmmm, atleast you cannot get diseases from your hands and vibrators. 

It seems rather safe and healthy to me.


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## redmanXNTP (May 17, 2011)

Update? 10


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## Quierta (Mar 6, 2011)

@vivacissimamente

I feel for you 

I'll be honest, I haven't read the whole thread so I am not sure if you found the answer that you're looking for, but I read the last few pages.

Something that might really be handy is a locked box, which someone else suggested. I bought one at Walmart for $10 that comes with two keys and it's FIREPROOF. I bought it because I wanted to keep my valuables safe (since I'm paranoid) but I'm sure you could use the same thing for defense against your mother. She shouldn't be going through your things at ALL but if she is going to insist on doing it then you can make the job much harder by getting a locked box.


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## scarygirl (Aug 12, 2010)

Welcome to the house of problem with parents.
My parents never go through my shit (I think), bcuz I never let it anywhere they can find it.
Maybe that's what you should do. Is the relationship overall good? Anyway, it doesn't matter: I gotcha, what you are talking about. I think...
*cuddles* 

It's horrible when someone invades your privacy like that. I would never forget something like that. But awhile, you can do 2 things:
1)attack back somehow
2)do not give a fuck and go with it


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## Snakecharmer (Oct 26, 2010)

It sounds like your mother has problems with you growing up...maybe she's having a hard time accepting that you are almost 21 and really are no longer a child. As a parent, sometimes it is hard to imagine your baby as an adult, doing adult things. But...she should respect your privacy. 

I have an 18 yr old daughter, and the only reason I'd even consider looking through her personal things would be if I suspected she was using drugs. If she has a vibrator or other "personal" items, I don't want to know about it, for both of our sakes. And...if I happened to see something by accident, I wouldn't mention it to her...it isn't any of my business, and I wouldn't want to embarrass her.


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## WildWinds (Mar 9, 2010)

I'm sorry, but I cannot tell you how many times I have literally laughed out loud over the course of reading this thread :crazy: The situation is no laughing matter, but man the replies haha.

Viva, my stepfather is an ESTJ and is very similar in that he can be controlling and emotionally manipulative. If she's anything like he is, a confrontation may or may not get you anywhere. More often than not, it leads to a tantrum. Sometimes the better approach is letting them think they've won. You just have to choose your battles carefully. Just don't let her get to you emotionally and guilt trip you. You've done nothing wrong. My PM box is open if you want to talk.


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## ariana20 (Apr 18, 2010)

vivacissimamente said:


> Update: she came into my room when she got home from work last night and demanded I throw it away. ..... last night she was insisting that "I don't have rights," "I'm not an adult" and "I'm in her house so I have no freedom and have no choice but to do whatever she says." And she also informed me that she'll be coming into my room every day to search my things and make sure I threw it away. I think it's hopeless at this point.


i've come to this thread pretty late but i do really empathise with you and the situation you are in (thinking back to when i was your age here) but now i am a mum of four (my oldest is 24) so, my take on it is this:
- your mum was wrong to go through your stuff and wrong to confront you and demand you throw it away and wrong to use the 'while your in my house...' line
- you have got used to the fact that you are a grown up and she doesnt have rights over you any more, but she hasnt
- she feels her role as a mother is threatened - remember that being a mother is the only important role she has and its what gives her a feeling of value and importance and is acting out of fear, and to try to reduce her feelings of being threatened she is trying to reassert herself by attacking you the only way she knows how - the ways that always worked before when you were a kid - i'm surprised she hasnt spanked your bottom and put you on the naughty step
- remember: you teach people how to treat you and people do what works - ie as long as you respond to her behaviour she will continue, if her behavour doesnt get her what she wants or gets a negative reaction, she will start to behave differently - however, this is hard cos you two are caught in a pattern of behaviour and because she is still a mother to your younger sisters, it will be very difficult for her to behave differently towards you
-at the end of the day she has the unequivocable right to throw you out of her house for this reason or for no reason at all - however, at this point in time i presume she hasnt, but she is trying to assert her authority and get you to bend to her will
my guess is that i think you are probably safe in calling her bluff - you have to stop acting like her child though and start acting like an adult guest in her home (imagine and behave as if you are her sister not her child - this will probably be hard but if you want her to treat you like an adult guest you have to behave like one, you need to be the grown up here!)
i would tell her very calmly that you understand that you dont have 'rights' in her home and that you are a guest, but that you have no intention of throwing away your possessions. Just tell her that if she cant accept that, and if she cant respect your privacy, and if she would rather lose you as a daughter then you will leave - just state it calmly, without negotiation or raised voices, then go out for the evening and let her think about it (unless she has thrown you out before i think you'll be safe then round one to you ding ding!)


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## The Great One (Apr 19, 2010)

vivacissimamente said:


> I turn to you all because I am legitimately fucking baffled as to how to handle this situation. Basically, I'm almost 21 and clearly an adult, and I'm home from college for the summer. I've been stashing my vibrator in my nightstand since I've been home. My mom decided to go through my stuff today while I was at work and discovered it. As if that's not bad enough, she decided that being like a normal parent and simply not mentioning it to me was not satisfactory. Rather, she confronted me about it telling me that it's inappropriate for me to own it and to "bring it into a house with children" (my sisters are 14 and 16... yeah I'm sure they've never masturbated. _sarcasm._) I mean seriously what the fuck?
> 
> I'm literally so floored and don't know how to handle this at all. What do I even say to her? I just kept saying it was inappropriate for her to have gone through my things like that but I feel SO FUCKING AWKWARD even breaching the main subject at hand with her-- we aren't close at all. I don't know what to do. This is horrendous. I was at her office when she brought it up so I just stormed out without even addressing it.
> 
> And feel free to make fun of me all you wish but I'm legitimately distressed.


Just out of curiousity? Was it an expensive vibrator?


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## redmanXNTP (May 17, 2011)

The Great One said:


> Just out of curiousity? Was it an expensive vibrator?


_Now_ it is . . .


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## RRRoooaaaRRR (Jun 18, 2011)

While discussion of vibrators used to be a blush-inducing subject, it appears that times are changing. In fact, _The New York Times_ reports that more and more vibrating devices are finding their ways on to store shelves, into advertisements and into the bedroom.
There is a wide variety of vibrating devices available for sale, and they are no longer only purchasable at sex shops and online. The A:muse Personal Pleasure Massager by LifeStyles® condom manufacturer first appeared in drug stories in 2007, the news source reports.
The increase in the visibility of vibrators may be due in part to a sexual revolution. Women and their partners are becoming less inhibited when it comes to their bedroom activities, and owning a vibrator is no longer something to be ashamed of. Furthermore, vibrating devices are being used for more than masturbation – many couples use toys as a prelude to sex.
A recent LifeStyles® survey found that 81 percent of women are open to using toys, such as the Vibrating Ring, in bed. Whether they're being used as foreplay or during the act itself, turning up the vibrator when the lights get low can spice things up for both members of a couple. Vibrators no longer a taboo subject : Lifestyles

My thought is that you copy and print this off along with the follow few posts of an article .... put this post at the end - so she has food for thought about you being older than a teenager and that her fear re your sisters is unfounded. Make the last - closing - page So mum to me it is just healthy and means I don`t see woman and sex as something to hide blah blah


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## RRRoooaaaRRR (Jun 18, 2011)

“Shaming teenagers about sex is a bad idea” By Kate Wiseman and Emily Wiseman
What a revolutionary concept. And yet—I bet you would find a lot of people out there, adults and young adults alike, who instinctively disagree with the statement that “shaming teenagers about sex is a bad idea.” Think about it this way. Teenagers are in between childhood and adulthood, and they are gradually learning to make their own choices and assert themselves as individuals separate from their parents and their peers. There are a number of issues that parents and teachers have to talk to teenagers about openly and honestly, including, for example, health and nutrition, drinking, and drug abuse. In this critical period for teenagers, when they are vulnerable to so many influences, why would you bring shame into the mix rather than encouraging open and honest dialogue? Open and honest dialogue doesn’t have to mean condoning teenage sex, if that’s where your morals lead you. My parents and I could have open and honest dialogue about drinking. Their stance while I was in high school was basically this: “If you drink, we will ground you for life and that’s that.” But we could still discuss the issue, and shame was never part of the equation. I knew that my parents didn’t want me to drink in part because it’s against the law and it can lead to bad situations among teenagers (I should have never let them watch 10 Things I Hate About You), but the way I understood it then was that drinking brought with it the potential for far-reaching negative consequences: suspension from school, criminal charges, and the risk of being rejected from the college of my choice. It’s only natural for teenagers to be reluctant to discuss anything with their parents, especially the issues that might result in an earlier curfew or increased scrutiny of themselves or their friends. But there are many ways that parents can initiate these discussions and model healthy behaviors for their kids without sitting them down and delivering a stuffy lecture. For example, a family can take steps to prevent both obesity and eating disorders by modeling good nutrition, having family dinners, and being open to questions about nutrition from their children and engaging in respectful dialogue – even if the questions may seem obvious from an adult perspective.


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## RRRoooaaaRRR (Jun 18, 2011)

Similarly, a family can also take steps to prevent unwanted pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, or unhealthy relationships by modeling good relationships between each other, initiating casual (and brief) discussions about safe sex practices, or being curious and involved when their children want a prescription for birth control. Like many other teenagers, I would have died if my mom had tried to have a conversation with me about sex. I thought I was a pretty well-informed individual. After all, thanks to health class I knew about condoms and STDs and that “the only 100% effective way to prevent pregnancy is abstinence” (thanks, Mr. Morse). But something we know now is that creating an atmosphere of shame around sex and being sexually active doesn’t prevent teenagers from having sex; it just prevents them from making informed decisions. The National Latina Institute for Reproductive Health’s recent white paper, “Removing Stigma: Towards a Complete Understanding of Young Latinas’ Sexual Health,” argues convincingly that “pursuing an adolescent sexual and reproductive health strategy that centers on stigmatizing… does little to advance teen health and in fact may have deeply harmful consequences.” I feel like standing on my chair and cheering when I read: As a reproductive health organization, we support many of the policies that are put in place to “address teen pregnancy”: comprehensive sexuality education, increased affordability and access to contraception, and the expansion of public programs that address reproductive health, such as Title X and Medicaid. However, we support these policies as part of a platform to increase women’s ability to make informed choices that are relevant to their lives, and not to make choices for them. Additionally, we support initiatives that expand young women’s options—particularly low-income young women and young women of color—for higher education and job access such as tuition reimbursement, loan forgiveness, affirmative action, fair wages, and organized labor. It is important to remember that these policy initiatives are valid in and of themselves, and attempting to use them to steer women’s reproductive health choices to what those in power


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## RRRoooaaaRRR (Jun 18, 2011)

find to be socially acceptable devalues them and can create skepticism towards what would otherwise be valuable initiatives. Similarly, Kierra Johnson’s article in the Huffington Post, “The Myth of the Teen Pregnancy Epidemic,” reminds us that People are having sex at every age. Sometimes it is safer. Sometimes it's not. Sometimes it is with informed consent. Sometimes it's not. Sometimes it's healthy. Sometimes it's not. People are also, therefore, experiencing the outcomes of sex at every age. The outcomes can be both intended and unintended. The outcomes can be both physical and emotional. The outcomes can be positive or less than favorable. People in every age bracket have sex, get pregnant, have abortions and have children. Sex and the outcomes of sex are not exclusively experienced by teens. Of course there is always time to learn about sex when you are older. But why not start the dialogue with teenagers before they have to learn from their mistakes or read about sexual health issues on the internet? As Johnson says, “We are ignoring that people need information and resources about sex throughout their entire lives, not just as teenagers. We need to… stop using teen sex and pregnancy as scapegoats for social ills.” Double hurrah. My last argument, because now that I’ve started I feel like I could argue with my computer all day… Teaching teenagers to feel shame about having sex or discussing sexual health is bad for their future relationships and emotional health. I don’t have statistics to back me up on this, but I know that it’s true. It doesn’t take much time for teenagers to become young adults and young adults to become regular adults and then even our parents expect us to eventually do the hippity dippity and procreate. It’s not easy to erase the emotional residue that shame leaves, and those teenagers who were taught that sex is a shameful, dirty thing that only sluts do (because after all, the shame around sex is mostly aimed at women) will be more likely to have trouble discussing sexual health with their partners, even when they are involved in healthy, monogamous relationships. Regardless of where you stand on the morality of sexual activity during the teenage years, I think we would all agree that two emotionally-sound adults in a loving relationship should not have to deal with the lingering effects of shame when trying to discuss their sexual relationship. It’s not healthy, it’s not right, and it shouldn’t be part of our culture any more.
----------------------Kate Wiseman is a feminist and a serial expat. She recently moved to Sweden from Vienna, Austria, where she worked for Women without Borders, an international NGO seeking to empower women into decision-making positions worldwide. She is currently working as a freelance writer and studying Swedish. You can read about her adventures as an expat at Transatlantic Sketches. Emily Wiseman is a senior at Bryn Mawr College, where she is majoring in Political Science. She currently works for the Women's Law Project in Philadelphia and hopes to become a Public Interest lawyer. She blogs for the Women's Law Project on a range of feminist and legal issues here, and you can find her personal blog (on feminism, food, soccer, and more) at Redheaded Shenanigans.


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## RRRoooaaaRRR (Jun 18, 2011)

Print it of - put in nice binder. Put a facepage as page one and just say Mum I want you to understand me - I`m sorry if I took you by surprise.

(saying sorry I took you by surprise gives her a way out)


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