# Sexually Uptight, Help please...



## BehindSmile

_I have always been an incredibly sexual person. I can joke about sex, look at porn, talk about my sex life and am a very open person. In the beginning of relationships...I am that person. I am horny and turned on and every touch makes me squirm. But when a relationship gets serious...I can't get aroused. I have only had three relationships and sexual partners and it has happened each time.

I don't ever feel like doing anything sexual. I don't get turned on (by anything or anyone) I don't get sexually frustrated, etc. It's really taking a toll on my relationship (obviously). We only have sexual relations MAYBE twice a month and my boyfriend has been incredibly understanding but obviously it's a big issue.

It's not about attraction, I am plenty attracted to my boyfriend, It's just the actual act of doing it...I don't know if it's because I'm just lazy? Because I'm on anti depressants? Because I think I'm disgusting and hate being naked? The rare times I am horny, I haven't shaved or I'm due for a shower, or I'm feeling bloated and extra insecure...so I don't end up doing it. I don't even allow him to do oral even though he wants to. I hate being so uptight. We are also limited because we both still live with our parents and we see each other at night after work when I'm (surprise surprise) tired.

This has been a problem since I was 18 and I love this guy so much. I want to spend the rest of my life with him and I can't have something like this be the reason he leaves. He promises he won't, and that he loves me so much and he doesn't pressure me...but sex is crucial in a relationship. I can tell when he's starting to get antsy and I know guys need sex to feel intimate. Sex to me is like exercising. After I do it I wonder why I don't do it more often because It feels so damn great and refreshing afterwords. But getting myself to do it...is the hardest part. Even when I get into i'm always dry (which is why we use lube... and I'm guessing that's the medication part....)

I don't know how to break out of this rut. I'm too young to have such a low sex drive. I hate it more than anything, and he doesn't want to do iit unless I'M completely into it...and that doesn't happen often..

How can I boost my confidence? What is wrong with me? How do I get myself to WANT to have more sex and to have it? 

:frustrating:_


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## marked174

You need to associate sex with good times. You do that every time you're in a new relationship, but then you forget about it. Right now you associate sex with, stress/your job, sacrifice/your family and privacy, and shame/ you're body. With all these negetive emotions, it's no surprise you can't get into it. You just got to let yourself enjoy it. Set aside a day where you can just have a great time, and by the end of the evening you'll be as horny as... well, any girl who spent the evening with me.:wink:


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## Decon

I'm going to say that it's probably the anti depressants. More often then not, they can decrease the sex drive. So I'd recommend talking to the person who gave them to you and letting them know what you and your SO want. But this does mean either switching to a new med, or figuring out another pill to take.


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## InextricableImmanence

Insecure or boredom. Initially, the experience feels like it's appreciating you, but after time ths is no longer offering such reassurance.


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## decided

BehindSmile said:


> _I have always been an incredibly sexual person. I can joke about sex, look at porn, talk about my sex life and am a very open person. In the beginning of relationships...I am that person. I am horny and turned on and every touch makes me squirm. But when a relationship gets serious...I can't get aroused. I have only had three relationships and sexual partners and it has happened each time.
> 
> I don't ever feel like doing anything sexual. I don't get turned on (by anything or anyone) I don't get sexually frustrated, etc. It's really taking a toll on my relationship (obviously). We only have sexual relations MAYBE twice a month and my boyfriend has been incredibly understanding but obviously it's a big issue.
> 
> It's not about attraction, I am plenty attracted to my boyfriend, It's just the actual act of doing it...I don't know if it's because I'm just lazy? Because I'm on anti depressants? Because I think I'm disgusting and hate being naked? The rare times I am horny, I haven't shaved or I'm due for a shower, or I'm feeling bloated and extra insecure...so I don't end up doing it. I don't even allow him to do oral even though he wants to. I hate being so uptight. We are also limited because we both still live with our parents and we see each other at night after work when I'm (surprise surprise) tired.
> 
> This has been a problem since I was 18 and I love this guy so much. I want to spend the rest of my life with him and I can't have something like this be the reason he leaves. He promises he won't, and that he loves me so much and he doesn't pressure me...but sex is crucial in a relationship. I can tell when he's starting to get antsy and I know guys need sex to feel intimate. Sex to me is like exercising. After I do it I wonder why I don't do it more often because It feels so damn great and refreshing afterwords. But getting myself to do it...is the hardest part. Even when I get into i'm always dry (which is why we use lube... and I'm guessing that's the medication part....)
> 
> I don't know how to break out of this rut. I'm too young to have such a low sex drive. I hate it more than anything, and he doesn't want to do iit unless I'M completely into it...and that doesn't happen often..
> 
> How can I boost my confidence? What is wrong with me? How do I get myself to WANT to have more sex and to have it?
> 
> :frustrating:_


I'm sorry to hear you're having a tough time. :sad:

It could be your hormones. You should check with your GP whether everything is okay.

Maybe try to think about sex as much as possible. Fantasise about how good it feels, and how awesome your body is that it can feel such great sensations. Really put yourself in the moment, so that you can look forward to it.

Also, I think sex is best when it's not serious. Laugh and joke about sex with your boyfriend. Tell him your fantasies, and get him to tell you his, even if you won't ever act them out it's nice to share them, and have a laugh. You could think up a 'let's have sex' music compilation, or talk about your favourite movie sex scenes or something like that.

And when you know you just don't want to do it, accept it. Take the pressure off both of you, and make the decision not to have sex. That way you can decide to focus on something else, like maybe getting/receiving a massage and chatting.

You also might want to try to spend more time together during the day. Try having sex in the morning, or straight after work to relax...?

I'm not actually sure if any of it will be helpful, but I hope some of this sounds like a good idea.

Good luck. :happy:


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## thehigher

I might be able to help 












....HAAA. Sorry I had to. But seriously. I don't know. So has your sex drive just gone away....period? Or is it just with your mate?


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## BehindSmile

thehigher said:


> I might be able to help
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ....HAAA. Sorry I had to. But seriously. I don't know. So has your sex drive just gone away....period? Or is it just with your mate?


_
Gone, period. :blushed:
_


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## marked174

BehindSmile said:


> _Gone, period. :blushed:_


 I think I'd rather lose a limb.:sad:


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## BehindSmile

decided said:


> You also might want to try to spend more time together during the day. Try having sex in the morning, or straight after work to relax...?
> 
> I'm not actually sure if any of it will be helpful, but I hope some of this sounds like a good idea.
> 
> Good luck. :happy:


_Thank you for the advice. The problem with spending more time together is we don't live together...we don't see each other in the mornings (except on the rare occasions one of our parents go out of town or we are on vacation) and he gets home from work at 7pm and I start work at 7am so we only see each other for a few hours and needless to say...I like to just relax.

I know...sex should be relaxing and after it, it's like I've taken three doses of xanax...but I just can't get my engine started. _


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## BehindSmile

marked174 said:


> I think I'd rather lose a limb.:sad:


_Yeah...it's an incredible burden. If I was single it'd be one thing, but not only am I affecting myself, I'm affecting someone else, someone I care deeply about and want to spend the rest of my life with. It's really taking a toll on me, and him._


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## Selene

Don't worry about having sex or not having sex. When you want it, have it. When you don't want it, don't worry about it. Do it whenever you're comfortable. When the urge overtakes you.

Sex is not so crucial to a relationship, or to guys, that you should have to force yourself to do it. That defeats the whole purpose. Do it because it flows naturally out of you, not because it's the "proper" or "right" thing to do. There are other ways to be intimate, if you're not in the mood.


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## Drake

I believe the anti-depresents play a role in this issue, but please dont stop taking them just to be horny again. You could try talking to your Dr about this and having some dosages modified to reduce the side effect. 

*Disclaimer: *This is the opinion of a non medical trained individual, who probably has no clue what he is talking about, but is trying to help anyway.


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## napoleon227

Selene said:


> Sex is not so crucial to a relationship, or to guys, that you should have to force yourself to do it. That defeats the whole purpose. Do it because it flows naturally out of you, not because it's the "proper" or "right" thing to do. There are other ways to be intimate, if you're not in the mood.


I may be wrong but I think you're missing the point. She sounds like she wants to please her bf and she doesn't like that her desire is gone. It's not about being forced to do anything. Besides, I think you are mistaken about sex not being important to a relationship. If you're attitude is, well if I don't happen to feel like it, then I won't, what is stopping your partner from taking the same attitude about something _you_ care about?

BehindSmile - I don't know the answer, but I can tell you that it is not uncommon and that it happens to a lot of guys too. A lot of books have been published recently that cover this subject. I hope you will continue to learn what you can about - at least you care and that's the main thing.


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## WickedQueen

Selene said:


> Sex is not so crucial to a relationship, or to guys.


You're joking, right?

BS, I agree that it prolly the combination of meds, tired, and insecurity. Perhaps you need a vacation alone with him? Oh, and I think you should learn to be more confidence with your body. You're one of the most beautiful girls I've ever known. If your bf really loves you, he won't care about your non perfect body. Just trust him and give him a chance to prove it, will you?


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## marked174

WickedQueen said:


> You're joking, right?
> 
> BS, I agree that it prolly the combination of meds, tired, and insecurity. Perhaps you need a vacation alone with him? Oh, and I think you should learn to be more confidence with your body. You're one of the most beautiful girls I've ever known. If your bf really loves you, he won't care about your non perfect body. Just trust him and give him a chance to prove it, will you?


 I was thinking exactly te same thing, but I wasn't gonna say it.:blushed:


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## napoleon227

marked174 said:


> I was thinking exactly te same thing, but I wasn't gonna say it.:blushed:


I actually _did_ say it (more or less). I'm not expert, but I have read a ton on this subject and I know that it's not a good idea for anyone (man or woman) to think that their partner should be forced into monogamous celibacy (or near to it). This is a big mistake. If you are serious then you should either arrive at a compromise that you can both live with or else find a partner that suits your preference. Otherwise, sooner or later, you will have problems. Not being desired by your partner will eat at _anyone_, eventually.

Don't believe me? Check out all the forums on "sexless marriage" and read some of those horror stories.


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## Selene

After reading napoleon's response I know that I did definitely miss the point of the original post. And that what I said was fairly useless and irrelevant. But, I feel like I've been misunderstood, and then mocked a bit too. Which makes me irritated.

I wasn't saying that sex was insignificant. Nor was I advocating celibacy. I only meant to say that sex should be a mutually enjoyable act for both partners. And that if one partner doesn't feel like having sex, they shouldn't be forced to have sex against their will. That's all. :bored:

I'd sooner stop posting than be made the butt of a joke.


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## pinkrasputin

BehindSmile said:


> _I have always been an incredibly sexual person. I can joke about sex, look at porn, talk about my sex life and am a very open person. _


_ You may display sexually overt behavior with others but that isn't sexual intimacy. Porn is sex between strangers.



In the beginning of relationships...I am that person. I am horny and turned on and every touch makes me squirm. But when a relationship gets serious...I can't get aroused. I have only had three relationships and sexual partners and it has happened each time.

Click to expand...

 The beginning isn't a real relationship yet. It is new, you are in pursuit mode. You are using the excitement and rush of being together to get you off. You may even be convincing yourself it's "love" and using the sex to express "love". But what you were feeling is probably infatuation and you were using the sex to express your "infatuation." Infatuation doesn't last. You need to learn other ways to get you off. Mainly the pure physical sensations. 




I don't ever feel like doing anything sexual. I don't get turned on (by anything or anyone) I don't get sexually frustrated, etc. It's really taking a toll on my relationship (obviously). We only have sexual relations MAYBE twice a month and my boyfriend has been incredibly understanding but obviously it's a big issue.

Click to expand...

 This is not healthy. Even your medical doctor will listen to this plea. You need to start there. 




It's not about attraction, I am plenty attracted to my boyfriend, It's just the actual act of doing it...I don't know if it's because I'm just lazy?

Click to expand...

 I don't know what you mean by "attraction". Are you physically attracted to your boyfriend? That helps. Emotional attraction is great, but don't discount what has kept the species alive a strong all these years. Are you expecting to "feel" something in order to motivate you into want to having sex? Do you enjoy sex for just physical raw sex? Can you get off when you masturbate? You need to also get to know your body. Masturbate while thinking of him and only masturbate in ways that similar to how you want to get off during sexual intercourse. Train your body to orgasm with a penis alone. Toss out any vibrators and crazy machines. Enjoy orgasm just for the orgasm. If he wants sex, you'll want sex because you'll want to orgasm, too. It's way too easy to say "I'm not in the mood." Don't rely on a mood. That is not fair to your partner. And ladies-I believe sex gets RID of headaches! 




Because I'm on anti depressants?

Click to expand...

You need to talk to your doctor and tell him this side effect. Levels need to be changed all the time. It's terrible and unnecessary to suffer like this. Keep changing levels until your libido returns. Lack of sex drive DESTROYS relationships. 




Because I think I'm disgusting and hate being naked? The rare times I am horny, I haven't shaved or I'm due for a shower, or I'm feeling bloated and extra insecure...so I don't end up doing it.

Click to expand...

 Well if you are feeling "disgusting and hate being naked", that is up to you to change. That is definitely within your control. What makes you feel better about your body? Working out? Eating right? Drinking plenty of water? You need to do these things so you feel wonderful about your body and accept it for where it is.




I don't even allow him to do oral even though he wants to.

Click to expand...

Okay, this tells me you hate yourself. So you are on anti-depressants and are still depressed? You need to tell this to your doctor as well. I REALLY hope you are also seeing a therapist. Drugs alone don't work to cure any depression.



I hate being so uptight.

Click to expand...

 So you are stressed as well? You do need some coaching for your anxiety. You do need to relax, surrender, and "let go" in order to enjoy sex and have the orgasms you deserve. Also sex IS a wonderful stress reducer. And it's free! You two get to enjoy awesome stress reduction together!

Also, you partner deserves to pleasure you. Not letting your partner pleasure you can feel like someone turning your gift you bought them away. It is very hurtful. 




This has been a problem since I was 18 and I love this guy so much. I want to spend the rest of my life with him and I can't have something like this be the reason he leaves. He promises he won't, and that he loves me so much and he doesn't pressure me...but sex is crucial in a relationship. I can tell when he's starting to get antsy and I know guys need sex to feel intimate. Sex to me is like exercising. After I do it I wonder why I don't do it more often because It feels so damn great and refreshing afterwords. But getting myself to do it...is the hardest part. Even when I get into i'm always dry (which is why we use lube... and I'm guessing that's the medication part....)

Click to expand...

 Beyond what your boyfriend assures you, it sounds like you are not satisfied with your sexual life. Have you ever heard that sex is a microcosm for the relationship itself? Very often when one partner doesn't want sex, it is because they are "stuffing some emotions" or resentments. They are not expressing their needs, so they withold sexually. Assertive training will help.

Another reason why one partner may not want to have sex anymore is that the partner may be a survivor of incest. Once arelationship moves from "infatuation" to true intimacy, this can place a survivor into an familiar position of being with someone they love and know and now sex becomes "icky" and "wrong" because that is how they felt when they were molested as a child. Once again, therapy can help with this as well. 




I don't know how to break out of this rut. I'm too young to have such a low sex drive.

Click to expand...

 This is absolutely true.



I hate it more than anything, and he doesn't want to do iit unless I'M completely into it...and that doesn't happen often..

Click to expand...

 Then you are going to have to make the move to start wanting it. Start masturbating and thinking of the ways you want him to have sex with you and that are the easiest for you to orgasm in.. Be open and honest and express those things to him. He wants to pleasure you. 

You just need to do it. Go in there and have sex. Animal sex that feels good. You can enjoy just for it's raw physical pleasure. Cut out any emotional crap and just focus on the physical sensations. Drop your guard!




How can I boost my confidence? What is wrong with me? How do I get myself to WANT to have more sex and to have it?

Click to expand...

 Tell your prescribing doctor. Get counseling. Read the books "For Yourself" and "For Each Other". You will find the masturbation techniques and some exercises in those books that will help you desire sex from your partner._


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## napoleon227

Selene said:


> After reading napoleon's response I know that I did definitely miss the point of the original post. And that what I said was fairly useless and irrelevant. But, I feel like I've been misunderstood, and then mocked a bit too. Which makes me irritated.


I hope you don't feel like I was mocking you, because none of that was intended. I was trying to take it quite seriously, actually, and I don't in any way think what you said was useless or irrelevant - we're all here just having a discussion, it's no big deal. Your contribution is just as valid as anyone else's.



> I wasn't saying that sex was insignificant. Nor was I advocating celibacy. I only meant to say that sex should be a mutually enjoyable act for both partners. And that if one partner doesn't feel like having sex, *they shouldn't be forced to have sex against their will*. That's all. :bored:


When someone is forced to have sex against their will, it's called rape. I don't think that's what you meant, but I think that what you are saying is a given. No one wants their partner to have sex when they don't feel like it. You _want_ your partner to feel like it. You want to give them pleasure. You want to feel desired. You want tour partner to feel desired too. But a lot of couples have differences in libido - it's very common, and I think that that is what we were talking about trying to get over.


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## BehindSmile

Thanks for all the advice... My main issue regardless of medication is confidence. I honestly have no idea how to appreciate my body, how to let loose and not care if I didn't shave or haven't showered in 10 hours. I forgot to mention the sex is very enjoyable once I do it and I orgasm relatively fast, and at least once every time. I just can't get myself started... I can't get myself turned on. Once I feel his penis or fingers on me, it feels great and from there things are great... But for some reason I avoid him touching me anywhere near arousal areas. I love him more than anything and yes am very physically attracted to him, along with mentally attracted to him. He pleases me plenty. Just getting started is the problem... I can't get the "engine" going. Stress and my insecurites... And the vaginal dryness from my anti depressants combined take a huge toll. I know I have to work on my self image myself and I want to be confident more than anything but I have no idea were to start. None. How do I tell myself I have a decent body when I'm disgusted by it? I know of this continues it will
break down and tear us apart. I just don't have any clue how to get started. Once in a while I masterbate... But I get horny in mornings or late late at night when he's not around because we both live wihh our parents. Orgasm is not my issue. Wetness... Lube does the trick. It's the initiative I lack. My boyfriend doesn't try because he doesn't want to pressure me, and if he does initiate it I feel. I'm too stressed, headache, don't feel clean enough. Which adds to depression because I know we don't have ae enough, then I get more down on myself because I'm not pleasing him...it's just a vicious cycle. 

If anyone has knowledge on an anti depressant that helps sex
drive please inform me. Welbutrin did bit it also caused my blood pressure to sky rocket. I had to be taken off of it. I've been on lexapro, prozac, welbutrin and am currently on cymbalta. 

I want to go to a sex therapist desperately... But i greatly lack the funds. They are incredibly pricey.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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