# How do I handle this without upsetting anyone?



## wonderfert (Aug 17, 2010)

Hi.

I apologize, as this may get long winded. I need some advice for dealing with some of my friends. A very specific group of my friends. 

I have always had this weird habit of being the one my friends come to for counseling. I know this is something that happens with other INTJ's, so I figured that PerC would be a reasonable place to ask. I also am hoping, that unlike other places or when asking other friends, no one will jump down my throat and yell that I'm being narcissistic and shallow. I assure you that if I were, I wouldn't care about upsetting people. The problem lies in not wanting to be their relationship counselor. I'm not good at it. I have no real experience to draw from. In the end, it doesn't matter if I tell them this, they continue on because they simply want: 

A) Someone to talk *at*.
B) Someone to make up their mind, so they avoid responsibility if it goes wrong.

I'm getting tired of it. I find it incredibly draining to be around. And it's having the added effect of making me just want to sever all ties with these people. They won't respect my wishes, they outright ignore my requests for changes in topics, and these friendships are quickly turning into one sided relationships in which they take, and there's no give. I understand that everyone needs moments of "it's all about me," but it's causing my already existing depression to increase. For some reason I'm also expected to socialize with these people and their significant others. Some of which, judging by what is being said _at_ me, are probably being cheated on. Now don't get me wrong, I have no problem being around the spouses/boyfriends/girlfriends of my friends that are really in love. But I can't take being around the ones with obvious hypocrisy and PDA so intense that it's only for the benefit of anyone within 10 yards of the couple. 

I really don't want to hurt my friends, but I need a way to make it very clear that this is starting to affect my mental well-being, and that they need to listen to me when I say no. That when I say I'd like to be on my own and can't do various social activities with the couple, I mean it. If however, there isn't a solution anyone can think of, please let me know. Because if I need to sever ties for my sanity, so be it. I just want to make sure that there is no other option.


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## Vaka (Feb 26, 2010)

> I really don't want to hurt my friends, but I need a way to make it very clear that this is starting to affect my mental well-being, and that they need to listen to me when I say no. That when I say I'd like to be on my own and can't do various social activities with the couple, I mean it. *If however, there isn't a solution anyone can think of, please let me know. Because if I need to sever ties for my sanity, so be it.* I just want to make sure that there is no other option.


I myself am not the best advice giver, but that seems like the best option to me. If you've tried to be understanding with them but they're not really returning it, I would say that that's the best route. Good luck :happy:


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## ilphithra (Jun 22, 2010)

An INTJ afraid to hurt other people's feelings with the truth? :shocked:

I've been on your shoes and I can tell you 2 ways to handle this: 

*- The nice way*: talk to them, tell that you won't be available for a period of time and that they shouldn't bother you in that time as you need to be on your own.

*- The INTJ way:* Get lost you bunch of sods, go find someone else to pester with your petty problems that I don't care about. Shoo.

If the nice way doesn't work, you should try the INTJ way and see if it goes through their thick skulls like that. If this still doesn't work, then yes, severing ties with them seems to be the only possibly way.


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## wonderfert (Aug 17, 2010)

ilphithra said:


> An INTJ afraid to hurt other people's feelings with the truth? :shocked:


I know, I'm slipping, I don't know what's up. :wink:

I'm debating how many more tries of the nice way I can try, while being ignored. I think that if it keeps up, the INTJ way may have to be utilized. Because simply cutting them off seems to encourage this type of behavior even further. Telling them to get lost first may actually drive it into their heads.


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## ilphithra (Jun 22, 2010)

wonderfert said:


> I know, I'm slipping, I don't know what's up. :wink:
> 
> I'm debating how many more tries of the nice way I can try, while being ignored. I think that if it keeps up, the INTJ way may have to be utilized. Because simply cutting them off seems to encourage this type of behavior even further. Telling them to get lost first may actually drive it into their heads.


Maybe... just maybe... you should be debating how many "nice tries" you used, how they all failed and if it's worth to perhaps, give it one last try at being nice. Seems you tried several times already and got ignored. 
From what you say, trying to cut them off seems to encourage them to pester you even more. Perhaps it's time to open a "can of whoopass" called "INTJ" and let it all out on them. :wink:


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## wonderfert (Aug 17, 2010)

You have a point there.


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## Ireth (Nov 2, 2009)

Hi, I'd suggest being more firm saying no. You could also use ilphithra's suggestion of previously letting them know about your decision. Maybe in time their bad relationships will end on their own without anyone's forced help and you'll all be able to normally communicate again. But if they continue being oblivious to your needs then there's not much real communication, so it's not worth it. You definitely don't need them now, as you can't count on them being compassionate. Whether later, in more calmer times they may be worth it or not is up to you to decide.


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## GiGi (Aug 13, 2010)

There is nothing wrong with protecting your own mental health.


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## Noliah (Dec 8, 2011)

Any MBTI type is capable of standing firm, laying out boundaries, and making themselves perfectly clear in a rational way without treating people like crap.


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## screamofconscious (Oct 15, 2009)

Why necro-bump a year and a half old advice thread in which the OP has retired? Locked.


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