# Love and Attachment Styles



## Irulan

WolfXC said:


> According to your questionnaire responses, your attachment-related anxiety score is *7.00*, on a scale ranging from 1 (low anxiety) to 7 (high anxiety). Your attachment-related avoidance score is *1.83*, on a scale ranging from 1 (low avoidance) to 7 (high avoidance).
> 
> i was thinking of how a relationship can turn the opposite if one of the involved doesnt receive aat all what it was espected
> 
> as i matched that result thinking about my relationship a year ago, if i think about my relationship right now this is the result
> 
> According to your questionnaire responses, your attachment-related anxiety score is *3.21*, on a scale ranging from 1 (low anxiety) to 7 (high anxiety). Your attachment-related avoidance score is *5.00*, on a scale ranging from 1 (low avoidance) to 7 (high avoidance).
> 
> from extremely preoccupied to quite dismissive
> 
> 
> was i just thinking about a dismissive turning preoccupied for receiving constantly the opposite of what he/she espected from a relationship?


You pointed out a problem I perceived in the test. I think that the questions are too based on particular relationships to provide a general assessment of attachment style.

For instance, if one partner in a relationship acts in a way that is unhealthy, then the other partner might respond differently than he or she would normally respond in a relationship. Such a person would then score as unhealthy on this test when they are actually generally healthy when involved with a normal, healthy partner. Make sense? Since attachment styles are usually developed throughout childhood with one's parents, I think it would be best to think about the child-parent relationship (as much as possible) when answering the questions. It should result in a more accurate assessment. Answering in this way may prove difficult for those who had multiple/changing primary caregivers throughout their childhood though.


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## WolfXC

Irulan said:


> You pointed out a problem I perceived in the test. I think that the questions are too based on particular relationships to provide a general assessment of attachment style.
> 
> For instance, if one partner in a relationship acts in a way that is unhealthy, then the other partner might respond differently than he or she would normally respond in a relationship. Such a person would then score as unhealthy on this test when they are actually generally healthy when involved with a normal, healthy partner. Make sense? Since attachment styles are usually developed throughout childhood with one's parents, I think it would be best to think about the child-parent relationship (as much as possible) when answering the questions. It should result in a more accurate assessment. Answering in this way may prove difficult for those who had multiple/changing primary caregivers throughout their childhood though.



actually the dismissive attitude is not just with my current relationship, i know if i would have another one, i would be even more dismissive
i mean its not just about changing my behavior towards her

anyway what you just said is really interesting
i suppose that the fact of being literally part of you, makes harder to be deffensive or to be against them

well
i was going to say that... if i would have a kid i would be extremely preoccupied again

anyway i just reminded that i have a daughter
and i feel somewhat dismissive with her

i actually dont feel like shes my daughter
and i dont know why
actually, i feel like nothing is mine and noone has anything to do with me

im actually afraid of being rejected by her in the future, so i CANT see her as my own daughter
or try to set an emotional conection to her

i think this shit affected me so much




Edit: i thought you were talking about parent-child relationships

but if were talking about the relationship i have with my parents, per example, i treat them with the more dismissive behavior that my body is able to express
anyway i always had the tendency of being insanely preoccupied with love relationships


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## decided

Excellent post.

Did the test. I got 1.30 for attachment-related anxiety, and 1.10 for attachment-related avoidance.

So I have a very secure attachment style. And I do have very satisfying and long lasting relationships - once I love someone they're never getting away! Muahahaha!

And seriously, I am very comfortable choosing people to be close to, depending on them and having them depend on me. I am very trusting, open, attentive and understanding, and definitely approach problems and issues in a constructive manner. This counts for my close friendships as well as my marriage.


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## Irulan

Wolf, I was saying that it is usually the relationship that the primary caregiver (usually parent) has with the child that usually determines attachment style in the child. I'm sure that attachment styles can change, but I doubt it is common.

I have been in relationships where I have responded as if I had an insecure attachment style because I was reacting to activity that was unhealthy on the side of the other person. Had I taken this test with that particular relationship in mind, I would have scored as insecure. But on a regular, general basis, my relationships with healthy people show a healthy attachment style. This is why I believe the particular test is inaccurate - it has a tendency to assess based on a particular, dominant relationship rather than relationships as a whole. A healthy person may score as unhealthy if they are in an unhealthy relationship.


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## WolfXC

Irulan said:


> Wolf, I was saying that it is usually the relationship that the primary caregiver (usually parent) has with the child that usually determines attachment style in the child. I'm sure that attachment styles can change, but I doubt it is common.
> 
> I have been in relationships where I have responded as if I had an insecure attachment style because I was reacting to activity that was unhealthy on the side of the other person. Had I taken this test with that particular relationship in mind, I would have scored as insecure. But on a regular, general basis, my relationships with healthy people show a healthy attachment style. This is why I believe the particular test is inaccurate - it has a tendency to assess based on a particular, dominant relationship rather than relationships as a whole. A healthy person may score as unhealthy if they are in an unhealthy relationship.


yes, i was trying to say that i doubt it has a direct relation, i guess it is more about the global experiences of your life, the things you have learned and all the relationships you had

so, as i said, all kind of relationships i had, had nothing to do with each other
my mom was always secure with me, my dad was always dismissing, now he is preoccupied and controlling, i feel dismissive with both, feel dismissive with my friends and feel preoccupied for my relationships

i guess it al depends of too much things


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