# What you dislike in others...is it a mirror to yourself?



## xEmilyx (Jan 3, 2011)

Is it true that the things you don't like about others, are in fact things you don't like about your self?

(for example if you're a judgmental person, but deny it and see other people that are judgmental to others and you hate it.) 
Thoughts?


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## Nyang (Nov 28, 2011)

Well, I guess yes, but not for every case. It makes sense that someone would hate seeing on someone what they hate on themselves because they don't want to be reminded of it. But people can dislike things for multiple reasons... For example, someone can hate another person's qualities because he/she is envious of something that him/herself lacks.


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## StellarTwirl (Jul 1, 2012)

xEmilyx said:


> Is it true that the things you don't like about others, are in fact things you don't like about your self?
> 
> (for example if you're a judgmental person, but deny it and see other people that are judgmental to others and you hate it.)
> Thoughts?



I think it usually falls into a few categories:

1. Person dislikes someone because they see them as a threat to what they want or what they value. Example: Disliking someone because you fear they can "steal" your boyfriend. Disliking someone for holding the opposite political belief. Etc.

2. Person dislikes someone because they're doing (or being) something they want to do (or be) but feel like they can't. This is the envy thing. Example: Someone who secretly wants to quit their job and hitchhike around the world, but feels bound by their commitments, labelling someone who actually does it as irresponsible.

3. Person dislikes someone because they represent something they actively try not to be. This can overlap a lot with item #1. Example: Someone used to be promiscuous, decided not to be anymore, and now dislikes promiscuous people. 

4. (as mentioned in the OP)  Person, without realizing it, dislikes someone for reflecting their behavior back at them. Example: Someone judges people all the time but doesn't want to accept it, so they become hyper-aware of others' judgmental behavior.

5. And so on?


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## Coburn (Sep 3, 2010)

Not usually.


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## LadyO.W.BernieBro (Sep 4, 2010)

Eh. l would say some qualities l don't like are qualities l used to have but that are generally considered negative anyway. Self-destructive behavior, excessive self-involvement, overall tortured soul disposition. And a lot of people who have these traits do not view them this way at all, they just think people who don't like them don't understand or are being judgmental.

l get tired of that argument, l see a lot of it among those types. IMO it is an attempt to make excuses for one's behavior and avoid taking ownership by saying "If they don't like me, they're just intolerant or self-hating". Really not so, and also there are a few other traits that l have always disliked in others and have made an effort to avoid developing.


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## NuthatchXi (Jul 18, 2012)

Sometimes. Certain traits may be too close for comfort. (Oversensitivity, perhaps.) Other times, it's the opposite, and the traits I dislike are the ones I would never in my wildest dreams deem okay, so I find it hard to be patient with them. (Outright rudeness, coldness, etc.) And, of course, as some people already listed, sometimes you can resent traits you wish you had...but on some level, you know you don't actually dislike them!

Mostly, though, I try not to allow in myself the sort of hypocrisy that would dislike someone purely because of a negative trait we share.


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## devoid (Jan 3, 2011)

I dislike the things in others which I dislike in myself. That doesn't mean I do them, though.

I dislike when people are obese and unhealthy, because I would hate to be that way myself, and eat extremely well to avoid being unhealthy. I hate it when people are ignorant, because whenever I am ignorant about something I feel very ashamed, so I try to stay more open minded and aware when possible. I hate bullying and judgmental people, because I try very hard to avoid being judgmental or projecting my anger on others, so I would like them to do the same.

The thing is, if you don't hate yourself, how can you project self-hate onto other people? I used to hate myself, and so I did tend to hate people who had similar qualities to mine, even if I was equally guilty of them. But since then I've done a lot of work to improve my outlook, and instead of hating characteristics about myself, I either accept or change them. With that mindset, I tend to only hate people who I perceive as being lazy or selfish in comparison to myself, because they have failed to change the flaws which I have worked so hard to change in myself already. I also hate it when people do things that inhibit myself or others from improving themselves. 

It's probably still inconsiderate to project my own values on other people (maybe somebody just wants to be unhealthy and I shouldn't care) so I try to mind my own business and rarely ever judge people for things that don't directly impact my life. I probably shouldn't even be using the word hate so loosely, since I hate a lot of friends who do all of the above and it doesn't really bother me at all. The only time I really hate a person is when they directly prevent me from living my life in a happy, productive and healthy way. But yeah, I still judge people in my head, because I know they're not doing themselves any favors by keeping these negative habits.


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## MirrorSmile (May 26, 2011)

Not necessarily. Nope.

But I do think that you get disappointed when others don't feel or do things that you naturally feel or do. Because what's natural for you is something you would (subconsciously and initially) expect in others.


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## Up and Away (Mar 5, 2011)

A part of yourself that you have repressed for not knowing how to handle it properly. You wouldn't recognize it in others if you didn't have it in yourself. And, we wouldn't dislike it if we had properly dealt with it.

That brings to question that there are things we can never possibly deal with.

I like to think we can dislike stuff but overcome it.


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## Naama (Dec 5, 2010)

"Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves." -Jung

its when we see someone displaying traits that are part of our own shadow, we get annoyed by them. this understanding of our shadow is what jung talks about in the quote above. the tricky thing is that we dont usually see the shadow in ourselves, but project it onto others and get irritated.


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## themartyparade (Nov 7, 2010)

I'd say it applies in most cases. Usually without people knowing it.

Example:
Person A hates judgmental people and thinks of them as narrow-minded and annoying. However, by hating and picking on these judgmental people, he's actually doing the exact same thing he's accusing them of. He's being judgmental towards judgmental people and therefore, he's made himself a subject of his own dislike.


I often find that when I dislike something in someone, it's actually not them or what they're doing that irritates me/puts me off. What really bothers me is my own inability to cope with it. If I knew the correct means as to how to cope with x, it wouldn't be a problem, thus the other person really has nothing to do with this except that which @Naama, pointed out. S/he showed me something that's lacking within myself and that lack is ultimately what I dislike.


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## Antipode (Jul 8, 2012)

Hum I don't know. The problem with that is that it would seem less effective. If you state that someone is ugly, then it will just draw more attention to your own appearance. Then again, INFJs like the attention to be drawn away from them, so perhaps other people wouldn't care about that. But I tend to compliment someone in order to draw the attention away from myself.


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## Raichan (Jul 15, 2010)

I think it depends, it can be a minor reflection, especially when there's the case of psychological projections and so on.

One example can be,'' I dislike the person for being so rude because it reminds me of how I used to be rude, I was like that because I was lashing out of loneliness''.. On the other hand, dislike can also be a reaction to values that you oppose in life. So it is all contextual, when it comes down to it.


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## Dark Romantic (Dec 27, 2011)

The way I understand it is, while you may not possess the traits that you dislike in others to a significant degree, you are unwilling to accept that part in yourself, and so, react to the reminders of these qualities in the external world, where it's much easier to deal with and target.


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## Master Mind (Aug 15, 2011)

No. I'm aware of projection, and introspect too much to unconsciously dislike a quality in someone else which I actually possess myself.



> Although, with insight and good will, the shadow can to some extent be assimilated into the conscious personality, experience shows that there are certain features which offer the most obstinate resistance to moral control and prove almost impossible to influence. These resistances are usually bound up with projections, which are not recognized as such, and their recognition is a moral achievement beyond the ordinary. While some traits peculiar to the shadow can be recognized without too much difficulty as one's own personal qualities, in this case both insight and good will are unavailing because the emotion appears to lie, beyond all possibility of doubt, in the other person. No matter how obvious it may be to the neutral observer that it is a matter of projections, there is little hope that the subject will perceive this himself. ... Projections change the world into the replica of one's own unknown face.


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## Dark NiTe (Mar 5, 2012)

Naama said:


> "Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves." -Jung
> 
> its when we see someone displaying traits that are part of our own shadow, we get annoyed by them. this understanding of our shadow is what jung talks about in the quote above. the tricky thing is that we dont usually see the shadow in ourselves, but project it onto others and get irritated.


I agree with this, but only to an extent. An example of how it works is my father and stepbrother, who are alike in far more ways than not, also hate each other more than anybody else. But there is definitely a lot of abnormal psych going on there, and I think that is the basis for it, quantitatively. While most people are capable of identifying their own weaknesses and flaws, some simply don't and that is when you start to have problems with projecting your shadows. 

It has been studied and found that envy/jealousy is the basis of schadenfreude, and so it only makes sense that many people also identify their negative traits and attack them in others. But again I believe it greatly differs from person to person depending on psychological state and introspection.


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## devanir (Jul 26, 2012)

Only if you are self-delusioned like hell. You don't know who and what you are and you have created a nice little image for yourself. When you meet others with the same shortcomings you instictively know you posess, that's when the bubble starts bursting.

Me, I know perfectly who I am and exactly what that means. I don't use others as "dark mirrors". I have my very own dark mirror right next the normal one. Okay, that was kinda cryptic...


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## SargeMaximus (Jul 26, 2011)

Naama said:


> "Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves." -Jung
> 
> its when we see someone displaying traits that are part of our own shadow, we get annoyed by them. this understanding of our shadow is what jung talks about in the quote above. the tricky thing is that we dont usually see the shadow in ourselves, but project it onto others and get irritated.


Precisely. I think Jung also said something like: we project ourselves on to the abyss of existence. This is all basic shadow-theory stuff I'm finding. I recommend reading: "The Shadow effect" and "Meeting the Shadow".


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