# ENFJs and sex



## Oliver (Feb 10, 2010)

I'm curious to hear what ENFJs in general think of it.

How important is sex in a relationship?
What is the most important part of it?
What's your opinion on one-night-stands?
Are you inclined to experiment?

And so on ...

Feel free to share as much or as little as you want, but of course, the more the merrier. :laughing:

(and yes I admit that I partially created this thread because I, for purely practical reasons, haven't been able to form an opinion first-hand yet.)


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## ria82 (Oct 24, 2010)

Oliver said:


> I'm curious to hear what ENFJs in general think of it.
> 
> How important is sex in a relationship?
> What is the most important part of it?
> ...



1. very
2. the emotional connection
3. there bound to happen, but i'll pass. lol
4. what's the eperiment? lol


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## sanjaywa (Oct 17, 2010)

Oliver said:


> I'm curious to hear what ENFJs in general think of it.
> 
> How important is sex in a relationship?
> What is the most important part of it?
> ...


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## saccharomyces (Jun 2, 2010)

well, this is actually an interesting question, about the importance of sex, and recently i also have found myself giving some thought to this topic. 
i would definitely say that sex is important, but at the same time, it's not essential. like, if i have sex with the person whom i'm with, i would normally attach a special meaning to the act, making it, how others have described here already, "both a physical and spiritual experience", but i would also almost never refuse having sex with my partner if i wasn't feeling like it at all - because as much as it is spiritual, when you make it that way, it's still a basic need underneath, like eating or sleeping, and can be (and sometimes has to be) treated as such. if every sexual encounter you ever have, had to be the higher spiritual thing, you'd soon simply run out of emotional energy for that. trouble starts, if the other person involved never creates the necessary feeling to make the sexual experience not only physical, but also spiritual, because then i feel less and less interested in having sex with them, which will not, of course, appear on the surface (we'd still have sex as usual, anytime the other feels like it), but i will not feel like i would like to initiate sexual activity, because it feels like the act won't be satisfying for me (since mental satisfaction means much more than the physical one, though that matters as well, of course). basically, the most important thing to remember about sex is - there are two kind of levels, sex as a basic need and sex as a symbolic action, and not every sexual act has the 2nd level, and that's completely fine. this also explains why i don't really give a damn about physical cheating on me, because if it's just a fulfillment of a basic need, and if i'm not enough physically, i wouldn't be bothered if my partner sleeps with others, as long as i am mentally and emotionally valued the most. i have tried to explain this to others (so that they'd see my point) in terms of food - if i am somebody's favourite dessert, but not nutritious enough, how could i be angry at the person satisfying their hunger with a juicy steak, just to come back to their favourite me afterwards? ^^ funnily enough, though, i seem to have double standards on this (mainly because i have ever met only one other person who actually thinks like this as well, and we were not attracted to each other in a romantic manner), because i have never cheated on anyone or had a one-night stand (but that could be just because i'm actually quite picky when it comes to sex partners, gotta feel emotionally really comfortable, even if i do not intend to make a relationship out of that).

and, well, experiments just make life more fun, don't they? then again, for me, there has to be a balance between crazy experimental stuff and something simple, habitual. like, i couldn't really feel comfortable without having both elements in my sex life - it gets boring if you never try anything new, but it also gets tiring if there's something completely new every time you have sex. 

i think, to sum it up, it could be said that enfjs are as open minded in sex as in any aspect of relationships, we often value the partner's needs above our own, and are satisfied with that, because that does not mean we do not get what we want ourselves , it's just that the primary focus is on satisfying the partner, because that is a million times more satisfying to me than simple phyisical pleasure i'd get from sex. (and to end on a less serious note -) because of that, i've often though that maybe being a prostitute wouldn't be a bad idea at all XD all those men/women enjoying what i'm doing to them, hahah.


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## Cloud_Nine (Oct 17, 2010)

I will just be general ...

to me, "love-making" is very special and is meant for that one person only because it involves emotions and my love for the person. It represents commitment. Notice that I purposely replaced the word "sex" with "love making". There was a reason behind it. For this reason, one-night stands won't exist with me.


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## Razvan (Dec 17, 2009)

ria82 said:


> 1. very
> 2. the emotional connection
> 3. there bound to happen, but i'll pass. lol
> 4. what's the eperiment? lol


4. Well, meaning to try different things related to sex, different places...not just in the same way everyday 9-5 etc. How old are you, so I know how deep I should go into details? :laughing:



Cloud_Nine said:


> I will just be general ...
> 
> to me, "love-making" is very special and is meant for that one person only because it involves emotions and my love for the person. It represents commitment. Notice that I purposely replaced the word "sex" with "love making". There was a reason behind it. For this reason, one-night stands won't exist with me.


You know, I had this discussion with my ISTJ best friend once, I thought the same, didn't see the difference between "love-making" and sex, he said something like, don't you sometimes come home to your loved one and just want to do it, like, release that sexual energy, get that positive vibe? It is kind of making sense if I think of a few situations in my past...


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## kiwigrl (Apr 27, 2010)

> How important is sex in a relationship?


 Sex is very important for me, it would kill me if I had fallen for someone who had a low sex drive ...though I have to feel loved first and know that my partner is trustworthy. 


> What is the most important part of it?


 The orgasm! lol. The closeness I guess ...nah the orgasm :laughing: and the visuals (light on for me please :laughing 


> What's your opinion on one-night-stands?


I don't think they are morally right and can cause more harm than good, but having said that, I have done this twice in my life & I feel guilty about saying that they were really so much fun at the time. But that's an impulsive ENFJ for you. This happened about 15 years ago and I have gotten wiser since then, and also I am married, a commitment I take very seriously.


> Are you inclined to experiment?


 Yes, as much as I can with my slightly conservative partner. I have fantasized about all sorts of things too. I am the experimental one in my relationship who likes suggesting new ideas.


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## Greenbee123 (Oct 14, 2010)

I'd love to hear an ENFJ male's stance on the subject .... Just sayin' ;D

/*waits patiently*


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## Mutatio NOmenis (Jun 22, 2009)

Knowing an ENFJ girl as a friend, she is very sexually conservative from what I gather. Total prude, although she could just be covering up to avoid getting people embarrassed.


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## Oliver (Feb 10, 2010)

I find it interesting to see that even though you guys seem to have a high sex drive and a liberal view on sex in general, you also seem to be very selective with your partners.

My theory is that ENFJs have this rather sharp personal boundary. Up until a certain point, ENFJs can get close to just about anyone, but when it gets personal only the most trustworthy are allowed to pass. Sex obviously being a very intimate thing, it is reserved only for those who match the ENFJs secretly rather high expectations. This is something you can't fake - if anything ENFJs are very good at spotting insincerity. I remember reading something fitting earlier on this forum: "You don't go to the ENFJ. The ENFJ comes for you." haha


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## Cloud_Nine (Oct 17, 2010)

kiwigrl,

you sound honest and very genuine


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## Cloud_Nine (Oct 17, 2010)

Razvan said:


> You know, I had this discussion with my ISTJ best friend once, I thought the same, didn't see the difference between "love-making" and sex, he said something like, don't you sometimes come home to your loved one and just want to do it, like, release that sexual energy, get that positive vibe? It is kind of making sense if I think of a few situations in my past...


your best friend is a male. It might be different 

While I am very outgoing (I can strike up a conversation with perfect strangers on the street and get them to warm up to me easily), but I am very conservative when it comes to personal matters, particularly sex. This was what my best friend told the guy who was trying to hit on me on her wedding day 3 months ago, "Don't let Loan's outgoing personality fool you; she is the most conservative person I have met." Apparently, that guy has a "hit and run" reputation. My best friend was my roommate throughout college (4 years), so she knows me very well.


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## timely.grace (Sep 21, 2010)

How important is sex in a relationship?
--- Incredibly important. I truly believe that you can "judge" how well a relationship is going by how much sex is being had. 
What is the most important part of it?
--- I'd say the emotional connection is the most important. I love being able to kiss a man (who I connect well with) and have him know what I want to say or what I'm thinking without using any words. I miss it so much.
What's your opinion on one-night-stands?
--- I'm not a fan. There has to be some feelings there. My first time was with a friend of 5 years. We weren't together, but only slept together once. I don't regret it. It was an experience that I cherish.
Are you inclined to experiment?
--- Absolutely. I'll try anything once. I used to be so reserved and vanilla with my thoughts of sex. My ex brought me out of that and some of the best sex I had was when he and I would experiment.


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## Seeker (Aug 12, 2010)

People may often think we are prudes because according to our description sex is all about love for us. So many of us, myself including, are not so into one night stands or other non-loving sexual acts. We have to have love---or at least I know I do. 

Despite the perception that we are prudish, according to our description, we are also incredible lovers. And most of us probably have received great reviews. It's because we are so into it. We want to please our partners, and we're so carried away with the loving aspect. 

Experimentation is governed by the same touchstone---love. If it's something that doesn't seem loving, I'm out. But anything that allows me to show my loved-one love or receive love in another way is great.


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## magnus una (Sep 7, 2010)

Oliver said:


> I'm curious to hear what ENFJs in general think of it.
> 
> How important is sex in a relationship?
> What is the most important part of it?
> ...


Do you like an ENFJ girl? 

just asking as to why it was addressed at enfj's, 

Sex is pretty important in 'that' type of relationship, ie "romantic" if it were a fraction I'd put it at a third :tongue: 

most important part emotional connection with the other person, (that actually sounded really soppy to me but thats what I think lol) 

one nightstands I think are fine, but I still think you need that connection with someone, it needs to be "lust at first sight", not " your the last one at the bar and I wanna get laid tonight"

inclination for experimentation-with certain people yes depending on what they wanted to do.


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## Nobleheart (Jun 9, 2010)

Oliver said:


> How important is sex in a relationship?


I think the correct question is "How important is passion in a relationship?" The answer is _extremely_. Sex without passion is just mechanical and gross. A relationship without passion is pointless. I can have a relationship without sex so long as there is love and passion. I can also have sex without a relationship so long as there is love and passion - though I feel like a bad person when I do... but when the passion and attraction it really is awesome - and in my experience often leads to something more very quickly.



Oliver said:


> What is the most important part of it?


The connection, the passion, the connection, feeling everything with the other person - physically, emotionally, spiritually... rubbing our souls together, rebuilding our bonds of love, trust, and deep affection. 

The orgasm is also important because it helps regulate hormone levels, and from what I've seen ENFJs are very passionate creatures. Keeping our hormones at comfortable levels is important for our emotional well being. When you have an orgasm with someone you have a passionate connection, this releases oxytocin into your blood stream which deepens your bond on a chemical level. This effect lasts about 2 weeks. So, ENFJs, be sure to sex up your partner at least once every 2 weeks if you want to keep things strong between you. roud:



Oliver said:


> What's your opinion on one-night-stands?


As mentioned above, I tend to feel bad about them afterward, especially if it was more about just getting off on each other than passion and connection. It feels like I just took advantage of someone and put myself in a position that I could have emotionally hurt them for selfish reasons.

However, there are a few fond memories that I have from when there was passion and connection, and I don't feel bad about them at all because I know I didn't hurt the other person emotionally, and they enjoyed it as much as I did.



Oliver said:


> Are you inclined to experiment?


I'm inclined to go with the passion in the moment. I'm not especially inclined to 'experiment' per se, but I'm definitely open to exploring when passion moves in a new direction. If my lover wants to try something, I'm usually willing, so long as it's passionate and involves the loving connection between us. I'm really not interested in 'freaky stuff' like bondage, things that involve actual pain, creepy amounts of domination, etc. If it stops being about our loving connection and starts being about just the sexual side of it, it will turn me off pretty quickly. 

That said, I've often been the one to come up with something passionate and new, to keep things exciting. I fantasize about sex quite vividly when I do.



Greenbee123 said:


> I'd love to hear an ENFJ male's stance on the subject .... Just sayin' ;D
> 
> /*waits patiently*


kiwigirl's response is pretty much my exact perspective on the subject, so I'd be inclined to assume that gender doesn't have much to do with ENFJ sensibilities on sex.



kiwigrl said:


> Sex is very important for me, it would kill me if I had fallen for someone who had a low sex drive ...though I have to feel loved first and know that my partner is trustworthy.
> The orgasm! lol. The closeness I guess ...nah the orgasm :laughing: and the visuals (light on for me please :laughing
> 
> I don't think they are morally right and can cause more harm than good, but having said that, I have done this twice in my life & I feel guilty about saying that they were really so much fun at the time. But that's an impulsive ENFJ for you. This happened about 15 years ago and I have gotten wiser since then, and also I am married, a commitment I take very seriously.
> Yes, as much as I can with my slightly conservative partner. I have fantasized about all sorts of things too. I am the experimental one in my relationship who likes suggesting new ideas.


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## kiwigrl (Apr 27, 2010)

Nobleheart said:


> So, ENFJs, be sure to sex up your partner at least once every 2 weeks if you want to keep things strong between you. roud:


2 weeks wait?! are you kidding? That's far too long to wait. :happy:


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## Nobleheart (Jun 9, 2010)

timely.grace said:


> What's your opinion on one-night-stands?
> --- I'm not a fan. There has to be some feelings there. My first time was with a friend of 5 years. We weren't together, but only slept together once. I don't regret it. It was an experience that I cherish.


That's exactly what I was trying to say. All of my 'good' one night stands were with really close friends whom I had a strong loving connection with. We weren't _in love_, but we definitely loved each other, and that was enough to make it good, deep, and meaningful.

I've had a few 'fuck buddies' in my day, but they were always very good friends whom I loved very much as a friend. We weren't using each other for sex. We were giving each other the sex we weren't getting elsewhere because we cared about each others' needs being met... and we were attracted to each other. Most importantly, we still cherish those moments, and each other. In all but one case (only because she moved away and we lost touch over the years), we're still good friends, and are very mature about not being in that situation anymore. It was a season that we shared.

I honestly don't know if I could have sex with someone I'd just met, unless there was a ridiculous amount of instant chemistry and connection, and even then, we'd have to have talked for a long time getting to know each other and seeing that there was a clear bond between us. If all of those factors combined, then I could see it happening so long as it started with a passionate connection and rolled from there. Like, the connection being so strong we start making out, and the passion is so great that it keeps escalating until sex happens. However, I would definitely consider that the beginning of a relationship, not a one night stand. If it turned out that it was just a one night stand, I'd feel really used and dirty about it... because I'd betrayed my own principles, hooked up with someone who is a bit of a whore that played me, but most of all didn't actually have the connection that I thought I did.

Anything less than that (as far as one night stands and hook ups go) is just unappealing to me, and honestly kills my interest in sex with the person. Bleh.



Seeker said:


> People may often think we are prudes because according to our description sex is all about love for us. So many of us, myself including, are not so into one night stands or other non-loving sexual acts. We have to have love---or at least I know I do.


Let me remind everyone that ENFJs are Se tertiary. This means the same function that governs sex drive is our 'play' function. Yes, we like sex. A LOT. If you can give us what we need (the emotional / love connectivity we crave), we will fuck your brains out, regularly and with more passion than you can probably handle. We're not at all prudes. We've just got our priorities set with love > sex.



kiwigrl said:


> 2 weeks wait?! are you kidding? That's far too long to wait. :happy:


Oh yeah it is!

However, I did say "_at least_ once every 2 weeks". 

Obviously, daily is much preferable. :crazy:


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## Seeker (Aug 12, 2010)

Nobleheart said:


> That's exactly what I was trying to say. All of my 'good' one night stands were with really close friends whom I had a strong loving connection with. We weren't _in love_, but we definitely loved each other, and that was enough to make it good, deep, and meaningful.
> 
> I've had a few 'fuck buddies' in my day, but they were always very good friends whom I loved very much as a friend. We weren't using each other for sex. We were giving each other the sex we weren't getting elsewhere because we cared about each others' needs being met... and we were attracted to each other. Most importantly, we still cherish those moments, and each other. In all but one case (only because she moved away and we lost touch over the years), we're still good friends, and are very mature about not being in that situation anymore. It was a season that we shared.


I wonder if this ability to have f-word buddies (and to use the f-word) is an ENFJ male thing that doesn't translate over to ENFJ females. 

For me, certainly at this point in my life, I only want a sexual relationship with someone who I am in love with, and I only want a sexual relationship with someone who is in love with me. And though there were times where I was able to momentarily delude myself and get into it, it left me feeling used, hurt, and empty---and I'm not talking about one-night stands. I'm talking about sex with someone who wasn't truly in love with me---despite whatever lies the partner may have told. 

I'll admit that when I was younger I settled for less---but that sprung from my abuse history---I still wanted a sexual relationship where the parties were mutually in-love. 

Unfortunately, the city where I live in is all about alternative relationships and sexual liberation. I never even knew the word "polyamorous" before I moved here. And it's hard to find someone who even wants a monogamous relationship that leads to marriage. And when you do, they don't want to wait to get to know each other and fall in love before sex. And everyone thinks that you must be a conservative or a hard-core religious zealot if you want those things. Far from it.


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## Nobleheart (Jun 9, 2010)

Seeker said:


> I wonder if this ability to have f-word buddies (and to use the f-word) is an ENFJ male thing that doesn't translate over to ENFJ females.
> 
> For me, certainly at this point in my life, I only want a sexual relationship with someone who I am in love with, and I only want a sexual relationship with someone who is in love with me. And though there were times where I was able to momentarily delude myself and get into it, it left me feeling used, hurt, and empty---and I'm not talking about one-night stands. I'm talking about sex with someone who wasn't truly in love with me---despite whatever lies the partner may have told.
> 
> ...


Don't get me wrong, what I really want is a soulmate - a pure connection of mind body and soul with one special person.

But, if I can't have that, I still have needs, and not just needs for sex, but for connection, affection, and emotional intimacy. It's very rare that I have been able to find someone I can share these things with because it *has to be* someone I *dearly* care about, but is also someone who is able to appreciate the relationship for what it is. It's a very hard balance to find within myself and someone else. I've only had a handful of these relationships in my life. 

Despite how difficult things have been in the years since I've lost my wife, I haven't been able to find one of these situations since then, despite the many implied offers (some not at all implied) to the contrary. Clearly, these sorts of relationships are not something I enter into lightly.

I'd also like to point out (at the risk of sounding quite arrogant) that women tend to be very receptive to 'hooking up' with me. Apparently, something about me makes this happen - must be the ENFJ-ness. I'm a chick magnet, and I've got no trouble talking to women. I'm only saying this to point out that if all I wanted was someone to sex up, I could have that sort of relationship at any given time as often as I wanted. I don't. I'll only get into a 'fuck buddy' situation if there is a lot more to it than just that - deep friendship, mutual admiration, and most importantly that I know I won't hurt my partner in the long run, emotionally, spiritually, or otherwise. 

Also, yes, I can cuss like a sailor in the wrong situations. Depends on my crowd. I suppose that's Fe and Se teaming up. Sorry if I offended you with that phrase.


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## Mutatio NOmenis (Jun 22, 2009)

ENFJ's are SELECTIVE to the extreme. It's easier to convince Neocons to raise taxes.


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## Izabella (Jul 9, 2010)

Mutatio NOmenis said:


> ENFJ's are SELECTIVE to the extreme. It's easier to convince Neocons to raise taxes.


We want The BEST and we offer The BEST! :laughing:


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