# Do you believe that if something had never happened to you, you'd be a lot happier?



## aja675 (Jul 30, 2015)

I wonder what if I went to a nicer school when I was younger, then maybe my life would be less messed-up because I wouldn't have issues from my early and mid-teens, which means that I would never have been so vulnerable to the people who mistreated me in my late teens, which for me were practically just a few months ago.


----------



## Prada (Sep 10, 2015)

Yes, I do. And in most people's cases it's true. But you can't do anything about it, you can't change past and the time you spend thinking about how your life would have been different if... is better spent thinking about how to actually improve it for future. Past is behind you, forget it. The only thing you can change is the present.


----------



## Shinsei (May 9, 2016)

What the above user said.


----------



## outofplace (Dec 19, 2012)

I believe our bad experiences happen for a reason. It's to teach us a lesson about life. I went through some shit during my 20's and 30's and pondered the same question about "what if's". Now, when I look back at those years I realized that not only did they shape me to the person that I am today, but it's made me stronger and resilient to whatever life has to throw at me.


----------



## aja675 (Jul 30, 2015)

"Travel back in time is not always a good idea, here's why:

There are two types of time travel:

1. You return to the past with no memory from the future: In this case, you will be the same person as before, you will think the same way, and still make the same mistakes. It’s futile.

2. You return with the memory from the future: This one is more useful, but also much more dangerous in many ways. If you want to experience how it will be like, try to play some choice-based games. In these games, you progress by making choices and your decisions will decide the game story.


Sorcery! is my favorite one, this game allows players to travel back in time by replaying previous scenes. At first, I only used it to cheat death (you die a lot in this game). But then I got greedy. I wanted to optimize every move, get the best items, win all the gambles and manipulate people through smart conversations.

I became a perfectionist and also a coward. “How can I be sure that the option I just chose is the best one?” I had no confidence in my choice, until I tried all the options. And the game became much longer and less fun than it ever be.

If you think about it, life is also a choice-based game with a lot more options. So what happens in the game, can happen in real life too. At some point, you will abuse your ability to reverse time, become dependent on it and lose the joy in life.

You may argue that you only want to travel back in time once for a critical mistake. Well, things can turn out to be more complicated than you may think. For instance, your new decision helps you in that incident but harms you in years afterward. Eventually, you end up worse than before. Can you still be sure that you won’t use that ability again? And who knows if the next time, things can turn out even gloomier.

Of course, if you try enough, you may eventually get the result you want, but the price is all the pains and suffering from previous decisions. Moreover, don’t forget that there is always a possibility that you’ll die suddenly during your life (e.g. accident, heart attack or murdering). This possibility is tiny, but the more you change the past, the closer it gets to 100%."


Here's something from Quora. If I turned back time and changed what I want to change, I'd be more trusting, which could be a bad thing or a good thing.


----------



## ninjahitsawall (Feb 1, 2013)

Yeah, several things. Then again I dunno if there's a way around it. I imagine it being like scenario #1 in the post above. I'd have similar things happen, they'd just take a different form.


----------



## pwowq (Aug 7, 2016)

Probably would have turned up a lot healthier if my biological father was a healthy normal dude. Growing up without a father I think is an overall negative experience compared to having one around.


----------



## MisterPerfect (Nov 20, 2015)

aja675 said:


> I wonder what if I went to a nicer school when I was younger, then maybe my life would be less messed-up because I wouldn't have issues from my early and mid-teens, which means that I would never have been so vulnerable to the people who mistreated me in my late teens, which for me were practically just a few months ago.


I been treated badly and neglected my entire life. Maybe if someone cared about me, I might have ended up something like an ENFP?


----------



## Miss Bingley (Jun 28, 2013)

Similar to most of you, I've had shit happen to me that still affects me. My grandmother died (which I feel guilty about), my mother had cancer, I was bullied, I stayed in a psychiatric institution for awhile. Would I have been happier if these things hadn't happened to me? Yes, probably. But they did, and I can't change that. So, I chose to grow from them, and learn, instead of wishing they hadn't happened to me.


----------



## Liminal (Jul 18, 2016)

What a lot of people are saying here I would say too. Not sure how I would be different if I grew up in a more loving and accepting atmosphere, but yeah, gotta deal anyway. I do have paralyzing fears and character defects which I'm trying to change. Some of how to deal with those problems is to recognize how I haven't learned better coping skills from not being supported or reassured while growing up. One can always learn and change even if it isn't going to happen in an instant. Instead of accepting the cage, you can find a way to make a better life for yourself no matter what happened in your past. This is your one life and your one opportunity to make something great out of what you were given.


----------



## And1 (Aug 20, 2016)

I wouldn't be able to know as experiences shape you so it's like the butterfly effect and you never really can tell what ramifications exist from one changed event. As is I'm happy to have had my good and bad experiences in life, and welcome the future experiences I'll have too. To me, happiness isn't what has happened to you, it's how you handle and look forward to the experiences. Or as some unknown guru said on top of a hill a very long time ago before whenever, "happiness comes from within."


----------



## pwowq (Aug 7, 2016)

Happiness is a state of mind. A temporary thing. Happiness does indeed "come from within". From practical standpoint happiness is a rather useless feeling... what would I do unemployed and lonely if I felt happiness? 

Hence I described growing up without a father-figure connected to overall health instead of happiness.


----------



## aja675 (Jul 30, 2015)

aja675 said:


> I wonder what if I went to a nicer school when I was younger, then maybe my life would be less messed-up because I wouldn't have issues from my early and mid-teens, which means that I would never have been so vulnerable to the people who mistreated me in my late teens, which for me were practically just a few months ago.


During my teens, I moved schools twice. Every time I met new people, I made myself look like a fool out of impulsivity, being unfamiliar with what people like in a person, and the scars from my previous schools. I believe that if my grandma and mom had never picked such a bad school eight years ago, all of this would never have happened.


----------



## SoulScream (Sep 17, 2012)

Considering my self-destructive tendencies til not so long ago, it's a miracle my life is not a bigger train wreck


----------



## camous (Jul 12, 2015)

I do, because I think my brother contributed to make my childhood pretty shitty. But I think you should see the positive aspect of it:
If I am were I am now it's only because of myself, no one pushed me, so it made me stronger in a way and I think I am more empathetic and wouldn't inflict what I went through to other people. Things don't always happen for a reason but if you can find something positive about it it's good, you take it all as a learning experience. For example the other day a drunk guy called me a slut and had some racist comment for no reason and now it made me think well it must be so worse for people that suffer this racism everyday! so it made me more understanding and empathetic and I could exercise my rhetoric skills with him  (needless to say i left laughing while he was still mad!)


----------



## Sygma (Dec 19, 2014)

Every single event life is giving you come from a place meant to teach something crucial. When bad things don't ever happen at some point, which most likely will never come, you might feel in peace. I feel that you simply fear what you cannot control ... then again, it's all an illusion. Anything can and will blow up to your face when you won't expect it. The only bit you then can control is your reaction about it. Buckle up. Embrace the uncertainty. Embrace strength.


----------



## screamofconscious (Oct 15, 2009)

I could have done without multiple experiences but I don't know that I'd be happier without them. I suppose I would be happier without the flashbacks. At the same time, I wouldn't want to lose my memories. Without them, I could not have knowledge that I can use to protect myself from further traumas.


----------



## starscream430 (Jan 14, 2014)

Prada said:


> Yes, I do. And in most people's cases it's true. But you can't do anything about it, you can't change past and the time you spend thinking about how your life would have been different if... is better spent thinking about how to actually improve it for future. Past is behind you, forget it. The only thing you can change is the present.


Definitely good advice, though I'm guilty of being stuck in the "what ifs" and the "should'ves." To be honest, it makes me a bit paranoid about life since I try to cover as much ground as possible to prevent such regrets from happening...


----------



## Energumen (Apr 24, 2015)

I'm always dwelling on the past, whether it's good or bad. I do spend a lot of time wondering what my life would be like hadn't I started smoking cigarettes or if I'd been more social in school and pursued a role in a play or something.

Then again, these things made me who I am today, and are responsible for me being in a decent place. Moreover, if I could change my past, I'd be a different person and wouldn't know it. I would imagine that it would be a lot like dying.


----------



## aja675 (Jul 30, 2015)

Liminal said:


> Some of how to deal with those problems is to recognize how I haven't learned better coping skills from not being supported or reassured while growing up.


What keeps me afloat is the realization that I have the life experience of a mistreated 12 year old, and that a lot has yet to happen to me, including good things.


----------



## series0 (Feb 18, 2013)

It's a very win-lose oriented world. The J types want things to be clear, no muddy everyone wins philosophy will do. There are rules damnit! If your work or value doesn't happen to make money, mostly for them, then you are effectively valueless. You will be systematically ostracised and otherwise ignored (left to your own devices). They support only those that play the game their way. 

The reason I say this is because so many of us have experiences where something happened and we lost horribly and maybe indeed it was something we did do, but who cares, life is long, and maybe you learned not to do it. But too bad, so sad, you are now judged. The black mark is on you and you are someone who is an outlier, you do not work and play the J way, so you are Scarlet Lettered. 

That has happened to me quite a few times. The reason people want to do do-overs is because there is no forgiveness and you cannot get rid of the bleak mark of an error. You better compete! There are 700 other applicants with no error for <whatever>, the contest, the job, the girl; heck just basic respect. If you cannot recover from a loss or failure, there is no reason to try. 

In a world with a basis in equality of worthiness, reflected systematically by equality of wealth, such failures would be recoverable and a reason to try each time would be easy to resurrect within ourselves. This is the unity principle issue that the right wing refuses to understand. They are punishment addicted and greedy hoarders. Keep in mind, I am not left wing at all. I am a staunch moralist which most people would call right wing, but I abhor the right wing's lack of empathy, understanding, and their infinite delusional greed.

I'd be a lot happier I think if money, Sauron's ring, had never been crafted in the fires of Mt Doom.


----------



## Penny (Mar 24, 2016)

yes. sometimes events can put a quash on your happiness level. if they didn't happen then i would be happier. that's more for the short term though. for the long - term i'd say, your life is your life with it's up and downs, you just take it how it is.


----------



## Shiver (Nov 10, 2016)

I don't believe I've ever had any truly defining moments that would have made me more happy in life. I consider everything I've experienced as factors that aren't equal in proportion but I've ultimately grown in some direction from each of them. My life is a confluence of events that were bound to make me the way I am and honestly I doubt I would trade any in particular with the idea in mind that it would make me happier in the present.

I've often considered time travel scenarios too...but something incredibly great would need to happen, rather than my simply changing something bad.


----------



## Lifediverse (Jun 18, 2015)

No, I don't think so.

If something that happened to me were to not have happened to me, something else of equal subjective magnitude, would've inevitably happened to me that would take it's place. In which case I would be back where I am now, wondering if that something hadn't happened to me, would I be happier.

And so in terms of happiness, being the subjective feeling that it is; I believe that regardless of what happened or didn't happen to me is of little concern. The important thing for me is how I live my life in relation to these occurrences.


----------



## CptLevi (Nov 1, 2016)

I wonder often. I've developed many unhealthy coping mechanisms that I've concluded originate from my childhood that I wonder if my childhood had been ever so slightly different if I'd still end up as mentally unhealthy. Essentially I want to know to what level my problems are inherent or were brought out by a harsh environment. I feel I'd be a much more effective person if I weren't consistently 'told' how worthless and unwanted I was.

Everything that has happened to me has left a lasting impression on my character and though I wonder how much not having my childhood happen the way did would change me, I genuinely doubt to some degree that I wouldn't end up the way I did regardless.


----------



## Angelic.sweet (Jun 22, 2015)

Yeah, at the moment I'm dealing with something from the past that I highly regret. I feel like I cant turn to too many people and people will condemn me and its really hard. Don't get me wrong I haven't hurt anyone, but its really damaged my perception on my past and certain things now. I just really wish I had the foresight I have now to see how bad it was and how badly its affected me but I also feel so stupid because this had been going on for years and I could have stopped it sooner. Everything else in my life I can chalk up to being life but in all honesty looking back at this, I feel like i'm looking into another persons life.


----------



## JayShambles (Aug 9, 2016)

All negative events that happen within our lifetime make us unhappy. Although some may seem bearable and easily overcome while other events can take a life time to heal by accepting the forever remaining mental scar it leaves you, but either way if you are human it is inevitable to feel at least something. 

In relation to the above it is obvious that we humans avoid the unfortunate events attaching ourselves with a positive & happy ideology, but in many cases for a fortunate person is their lack of empathy which pulls back their understanding to appreciate their fortunate lives in comparison to others misfortune. 
What I'm trying to suggest is that if something so painful happened to an individual who is strong enough to accept what is and move on with a wise and courageous confidence I'm sure their answer to your question would be a "no, I am a lot happier now" without any regrets. 

Now for the bad news. In quite a few cases people cannot break free from the slavery within their own mind. Of course many have deep underlying issues that have been obsessed and conditioned so solid that it's almost impossible to try and help them to redirect their thoughts > habits towards overcoming these challenges. It takes a strong ambitious mind to break free from difficulties of the past and the obstacles to win. 
But worst case scenario there will always be unfortunate people who become victims of horrifically traumatising events that even the most mature and courages adults on earth won't be able to move in that moment from shock, and leave them mentally scarred and unhappy for as long as they struggle to move on from the memory's of trauma. Kids on the other hand who experience such horrific events during childhood usually become extremely reserved or grow to rebel in which both cases lead to very unhappy circumstances and lives until one day they become mature and aware that they; by accepting their pasts they can only get what they deserve - Their happiness.


----------



## Kajada (Nov 19, 2016)

Plenty of pivotal moments in my life that could have set me on a very different course than the path I find myself on, now. I don't like to dwell on what could have been too often, though, since I'll never really know. This life, this Now, is what I've got and I prefer to make the most of it. c: I don't want to make myself unhappy pondering about missed opportunities, choices that were mistakes, etc. Can't re-write history.


----------



## JamesKnight (Mar 1, 2017)

Nope i believe im going through all this hardship in life for a reason. I left school at 11 and i see that as a blessing because it made me into the person i am today


----------



## Arzazar Szubrasznikarazar (Apr 9, 2015)

Prada said:


> Yes, I do. And in most people's cases it's true. But you can't do anything about it, you can't change past and the time you spend thinking about how your life would have been different if... is better spent thinking about how to actually improve it for future. Past is behind you, forget it. The only thing you can change is the present.


Past doesn't stay past if one is one of the ~30% of abused people who lost mental health due to abuse. The past doesn't stay past when people refuse to help and instead are fanatically devoted to punishing one for losing health due to abuse.

But it is true, that past is past. I hate normies for practicing unfair competition, discrimination and lack of assistance 1000 times more than people who have abused me back then.

Long term effects of abuse are well documented, even on government websites. You, know people? These disgusting savages know well what the effects are and they still refuse practising massive compensations for abuse, all assistance needed for recovery served in convenient way and financial assistance.
What kind of sick beasts they are?!


----------



## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

@series0

No, I believe it something had never happened to me, I'd be a different person. Happiness is a subjective state that has little to do with what happens to us and a lot to do with how we choose to be despite what happens to us.


----------



## series0 (Feb 18, 2013)

tanstaafl28 said:


> @*series0*
> 
> No, I believe it something had never happened to me, I'd be a different person. Happiness is a subjective state that has little to do with what happens to us and a lot to do with how we choose to be despite what happens to us.


I am a little confused. Your first sentence seems to contradict your position statement following it. 

I agree with the sentiment, but even as centered as I am, I to am subject to partial happiness, lack of perfect centeredness, inability to stick to the moral path.

I think for humans, happiness is only possible in light of suffering. That means that if you significantly reduce suffering by making life easy on people, they will be less happy, not more so. The delusion that comfort or ease of action or even getting what you want is all or even most of happiness is ... unwise. I agree that happiness arises from how and why you learn, grow, and respond to the challenges life levels at you, to your responses to yourself, the plight of individuality. 

Most enneatype 8s have a seminal moment in their life that galvanizes their decision to be tough, to maintain paranoia as a cost effective and realistic outlook, to act in strength for those you love. Given that ego is often the problem one might think that the removal of this moment is advisable. I contend it is not. The moment is life itself. You have to live it. It's whether or not you can, how you integrate, how you react, how you present these activities to others, that makes the difference.


----------



## Mange (Jan 9, 2011)

I don't know that i'd be _happier_, but it would remove massive psychological scarring which _in turn_ would make day to day living easier. I would still have made mistakes and had other shitty experiences. Suffering is inevitable.


----------



## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

series0 said:


> I am a little confused. Your first sentence seems to contradict your position statement following it.
> 
> I agree with the sentiment, but even as centered as I am, I to am subject to partial happiness, lack of perfect centeredness, inability to stick to the moral path.
> 
> ...


If something happened (or didn't happen) to me, I'd be a different person, but it wouldn't affect my happiness, because happiness is a separate choice for me. It is found along the way, not by achieving anything specific, whether materialistic, or otherwise.

When my 8w7 wife slowly lost faith in our marriage and eventually cheated on me. I was very sad about it for a long time (some part of me is still sad). But the truth is, I can choose to wallow in the fact that my marriage of 15+ years ended 2 years ago, or I can choose to move forward and try to build a new life with someone else. I chose not to wallow. I chose to find my happiness elsewhere.


----------



## series0 (Feb 18, 2013)

tanstaafl28 said:


> If something happened (or didn't happen) to me, I'd be a different person, but it wouldn't affect my happiness, because happiness is a separate choice for me. It is found along the way, not by achieving anything specific, whether materialistic, or otherwise.
> 
> When my 8w7 wife slowly lost faith in our marriage and eventually cheated on me. I was very sad about it for a long time (some part of me is still sad). But the truth is, I can choose to wallow in the fact that my marriage of 15+ years ended 2 years ago, or I can choose to move forward and try to build a new life with someone else. I chose not to wallow. I chose to find my happiness elsewhere.


I love that choice, the choice to move on. But some choices are refuted by the situation. I also chose not to wallow after a time of grieving my loss (in my case a viable career followed by a string of job losses and relationship losses). But it did not matter. What makes me happy makes me VERY HARD for sufficiently unwise people (90% or more) to deal with. They love me, yes, but they hate me as well. Employment is a ridiculous notion. I will not subject myself to demeanment in most cases or unequal relationships. Employers and women both, in general, expect a man to be their slave or expect a ridiculously unequal arrangement. VERY early in the process they discover I am not such a pushover. They can easily and unwisely move on to targets that do not test their humanity, and so they do.

I am still happy but still penniless and alone. The price of happiness is high but worth it.


----------



## Allosy (Jul 28, 2016)

Probably, but at the same time it's better not mourn over the things that happened and focus on the present.


----------



## Owtoo (Aug 20, 2015)

I've been thinking about this question a lot lately. I do sometimes think "I would be happier if those things didn't happen to me", but I don't really think it through enough because who's to say that I would never have had any other life-altering experiences? I think everyone has key experiences in life that turn things around for them and it's about being brave enough to step out of your comfort zone regardless, and not "check out" for fear of having negative experiences. I'm not all the way there, I'm learning...

I ruminate a lot as part of my character, but I am completely aware of how useless it really is. I cannot undo the past or change it, I have to just find a way to deal with the consequences in the present moment and learn from my mistakes for future behaviour and present wellbeing. Simple as that. It's difficult to fully implement it at times though, which is probably one of the reasons why I identify with enneagram 4. Just because I'm _aware_ of the uselessness of my thought processes / behaviour, does not mean that I always know how to push away the thoughts I have of the past and maybe of how things might be different had I not gone through certain experiences.


----------



## lookslikeiwin (May 6, 2014)

Well yeah, if nothing bad ever happened to me I would be happier, but since bad things do happen, I am glad they have happened in the order that they did, producing maximum growth without breaking opportunities and therefore maximum happiness in a broken world.


----------



## atamagasuita (May 15, 2016)

Nope. Why would you. You collect experiences. You learn from those experiences so never be fucking afraid to have a fucking mistake. Just do it for fuck sake.


----------



## Marshy (Apr 10, 2016)

When I was in kindergarten there was this one asshole who just had to snitch on me because I took two different juiceboxes when only one type was allowed. Every day I breathe is because of my desire for vengeance.


----------



## Hellfire (Nov 30, 2015)

Yeah probably. (Trigger) 
Childhood sexual abuse, growing up in a house with domestic violence, and then developing a bunch of mental health issues as well as the company I kept as a teen, not to getting raped three years ago. I'd happily change all of that, in an instant, the problem now is that I can't socialize with normal people and develop an emotional connection with them. (For a start how do you rely on someone who has no scope of that kind of problems? That's what led to me keeping such terrible company up til a few years ago, I needed people I could connect to.). 
I'd probably be a lot warmer as a person, and that affects one's life more than you'd think. I lack the ability to get as.... Excited about life (stress, anger, happiness, a lot of strong emotion eludes me) as the average person. 

I'm not even going to spout bollocks about "I am better stronger pursooooon ", because these things I've learned really well and truly alienate me from everyone else, and any coping skills are purely the result of therapy. I think life would be a lot richer for me had this not happened. I'd be able to connect to normal people, and be stressed out about normal things instead of being listless and apathetic. I'd probably be a much kinder and more tolerant person too.


----------



## Inveniet (Aug 21, 2009)

No I would just find some other stuff to blame anything on.
Yet on another level, maybe yeah, 
cause the causal chain might have ended up with me not having the habit of blaming my story.
Yet on another level no, cause the suffering of the story motivated me to fix it, 
more than average Joe without a painful story would.

So it is complex and no certain answer can be given 
as we don't fully understand the possible twists and turns that events can cause.
The butterfly effect in other words.


----------



## warxzawa (Aug 19, 2016)

yes. i don't want to specify, but a lot of things.


----------



## Illz (Mar 11, 2017)

Yeah, but its the kinda of thing it shouldn't have happened, but happened. 

And as far as the "now" is concerned it's better to live with it, than just reflect on it again.

That's what i think..

To be a lil blunt


----------



## EccentricSiren (Sep 3, 2013)

I feel like most of my bad experiences have helped me learn and grow, so I wouldn't have necessarily been happier or better off without them having happened to me. There are a few, though, that I really feel have affected me negatively. I would be happier and better off without them. I feel kind of guilty about it, since it's not something most people would agree is traumatic, like abuse or being a victim of a serious crime. I should probably go to therapy, but I'm kind of afraid that either the therapist will think I'm weird for letting something so inconsequential affect me over a quarter of a century later or diagnose me with some disorder that carries a lot of stigma.


----------



## aja675 (Jul 30, 2015)

I wonder if my life were easier, if maybe my younger self would have made better decisions, or if my undeveloped brain was indeed that impulsive that even good circumstances would still not prevent me making bad decisions.


----------



## LittleDreamer (Dec 11, 2016)

Moving. When something goes wrong, I immediately jump to thinking "This wouldnt have happened if I didn't move here...blah blah blah." 
I'm getting over it now.


----------



## cuddlyone (Nov 24, 2015)

Absolutely I would be happier. Shitshow after shitshow takes a toll on a human being.


----------



## aja675 (Jul 30, 2015)

TBH, there are lots of things that I wish I knew when my age was still on the clock instead of learning them when I was older and angstier.


----------



## Bipedal P 314 (Dec 10, 2011)

There's one thing that happened to me which if it could be undone would make it easier for me to be happy but it wouldn't change everything for me. It can't be undone so it really doesn't matter in the end. The damage is permanent. Life has been a long series of things that have been done to me, or things that I've done to myself, or consequences of things I've done to other people. I'd have to go back and be an entirely different person in order to be significantly happier and even if I could do that there's always been a part of me that is predisposed to being unhappy. I don't think I'll ever be happy or that I ever could have been happy.


----------



## bpbm (Sep 29, 2016)

This query is so very interesting to me, personally, because just 3 years ago I would've have the longest list ever.

Now, seeing where things have led in my life, I have to say no.

Originally, moving from the southeast to the southwest mortified my then-10 year old mind and led to *so* many issues growing up until about the age of 18; culture shock, bullies, swearing, criminals, drug peddlers, gangs, teen years, losing my great-grandfather...it weighed so heavily on me for so long. Yet, I'm in college now, with a major I love at a school I love, got an internship for a career I'm looking forward to exploring more, around amazing friends...none of which would've occurred if I hadn't moved when I was 10.

Certainly, from a sociological standpoint, there are situations people are placed in in life that screw them over at a young age and set them up for failure (race, gender, age of parents when birthed, etc.). Other times, we get outliers (I am one; born to parents, one of whom has a high school degree, yet I'm an undergrad) who either go uphill or downhill depending on circumstances. Personally, I've went from being a fetus the doctor told my mama to abort...to surviving numerous open heart surgeries, to amazing parents, to being bullied in school, to moving, to everything else I mentioned...

As for you, OP @aja675 ; I don't know how old you are (I, myself am 20) but personally (this is opinion) I believe when opportunities are presented or if we create our own...we go for it and work towards fixing what isn't working now. As a teen with some angst (don't worry, I know angsty teens; I'm an angsty adult) in such a quickly changing world, we can often feel like there are certain situations that can screw us up (psychologically, absolutely; sociologically, yes) yet I'd say focus on the _now_ as opposed to the past. There is a quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson that reads, "With the past, I have nothing to do; nor with the future. I live now."


----------



## aja675 (Jul 30, 2015)

bpbm said:


> This query is so very interesting to me, personally, because just 3 years ago I would've have the longest list ever.
> 
> Now, seeing where things have led in my life, I have to say no.
> 
> ...


I'm your age, but I spent my teen years in a bubble. It may have been a dirty bubble, but it was still a bubble.


----------



## aja675 (Jul 30, 2015)

Like, lemme play this song on the world's smallest violin.


----------



## RyuukoGo (Apr 6, 2015)

Being born male :wink:


----------



## SeptimiusMaximinus (Feb 15, 2017)

I think about it all the time because for 9 years between 6th grade until Jan of this year the only close friends I had were really mean and manipulative. I sat through 9 years of daily psychological torment because I was too afraid to let go and too afraid to be alone. I gave endless chances and after they were mean they would act nice for a little while and I always fell for it. I blame them for what is wrong with me mentally andf sometimes I wish I had never met them at all. I found a real friend a few years ago and only in Jan of this year did I finally decide to cut all ties with my tormentors. I always think that I wish I never met them but then I think that if I didn't I wouldn't be the same person I am today. Despite all the torment and resulting mental illnesses (or at least they made them worse then they should have been) if I hadn't gone through that I would have never made that one real friend who accepts me, I would have never learned to be so kind to others and to give so generously. I would have never learned to love as deeply as I do and to accept others.


----------



## pilgrim_12 (Aug 18, 2012)

I wish I could be optimistic. I don't know the answers to these questions. I think I've helped create my situation. I think some things are due to others. 

I know whatever has happened, it's changed my life and mostly for worse, not better. While some might be able to polish a turd, I can't seem to do it. 

I have to accept what is and keep moving forward. I'm not doing so well. I guess I'm just completely worn out.


----------



## Clare_Bare (Apr 6, 2015)

The only serious long term relationship I had was difficult from start to end.
It has caused me so my heartbreak and financial difficulties over the subsequent years.

I often wish that I could 'delete' that decade out of my life.
My World was far more happier prior to that and sometimes I ache for those times to return to my life now.


----------



## aja675 (Jul 30, 2015)

SeptimiusMaximinus said:


> I think about it all the time because for 9 years between 6th grade until Jan of this year the only close friends I had were really mean and manipulative. I sat through 9 years of daily psychological torment because I was too afraid to let go and too afraid to be alone. I gave endless chances and after they were mean they would act nice for a little while and I always fell for it. I blame them for what is wrong with me mentally andf sometimes I wish I had never met them at all. I found a real friend a few years ago and only in Jan of this year did I finally decide to cut all ties with my tormentors. I always think that I wish I never met them but then I think that if I didn't I wouldn't be the same person I am today. Despite all the torment and resulting mental illnesses (or at least they made them worse then they should have been) if I hadn't gone through that I would have never made that one real friend who accepts me, I would have never learned to be so kind to others and to give so generously. I would have never learned to love as deeply as I do and to accept others.


Wow, are you my foil?


----------



## aja675 (Jul 30, 2015)

aja675 said:


> I wonder if my life were easier, if maybe my younger self would have made better decisions, or if my undeveloped brain was indeed that impulsive that even good circumstances would still not prevent me making bad decisions.


Which came first: the chicken or the egg? Was I angsty because I was pubescent, or because of people making fun of me? I mean, I recall being made fun of when my age was still on the clock, I wasn't impacted by it unlike when my age was no longer on the clock and people were doing the same.


----------



## LiminalBeing (May 3, 2017)

No.. That thought pattern makes it look like you messed up due to something beyond your control.



> Which came first: the chicken or the egg?


What if I told you that the chicken IS the egg? Then which came first: the chicken or the chicken?


----------



## aja675 (Jul 30, 2015)

aja675 said:


> Which came first: the chicken or the egg? Was I angsty because I was pubescent, or because of people making fun of me? I mean, I recall being made fun of when my age was still on the clock, I wasn't impacted by it unlike when my age was no longer on the clock and people were doing the same.


Admittedly, lots of things in my life could potentially have traumatized me if only I were a few years older and other things would not have traumatized me if only I were a few years younger.


----------



## aja675 (Jul 30, 2015)

https://www.quora.com/Why-do-I-still-hate-my-younger-self


----------



## Eren Jaegerbomb (Nov 13, 2015)

Yes.


----------



## Peter (Feb 27, 2010)

aja675 said:


> I wonder what if I went to a nicer school when I was younger, then maybe my life would be less messed-up because I wouldn't have issues from my early and mid-teens, which means that I would never have been so vulnerable to the people who mistreated me in my late teens, which for me were practically just a few months ago.


The way people in general treat you is the result of your behaviour. Especially when you´re a kid it's all about behaviour.

What I find more likely in cases like yours is that you weren't able to addapt to the kids around you which caused you to have difficulties interacting with others. Perhaps your parrents never really helped you with that problem. (Parents are very good at helping when a child has difficulties learning to walk, but when it comes down to social skills, most of the time children learn thos on their own, with their parents as an example of course)

The point here is that if you try to blame the past, you are not focusing on a solution. I'd consider improving a better option than blaming.


----------



## salt (Jun 22, 2015)

if i have learned some simple physical skills when i was a kid life would be a lot easier now, im 18 and still cant ride a bike can you believe!! (i mean i can balance it and ride it a few mins in my yard but not out on the street. its embarrassing, sth i would only tell ppl on the internet)
if my mum was less strict and let me be a lil teeny bad i wouldnt be such an exploding bomb now, when i fianlly went to college and out the house i was on my freedom and i be on the club i be having a closet full of sexy clothes i be sexually active i almost weed out myself but its expensive so eh
my high school friends wouldnt recognize me ever cuz i was the most uncool girl and now im the baddest bitches in town haha not proud
theres nothing i tryna be its just who i am deep inside that now fianlly has chance to act out i mean i got it from my dad hes a naturally born player


----------



## aja675 (Jul 30, 2015)

Peter said:


> The way people in general treat you is the result of your behaviour. Especially when you´re a kid it's all about behaviour.
> 
> What I find more likely in cases like yours is that you weren't able to addapt to the kids around you which caused you to have difficulties interacting with others. Perhaps your parrents never really helped you with that problem. (Parents are very good at helping when a child has difficulties learning to walk, but when it comes down to social skills, most of the time children learn thos on their own, with their parents as an example of course)
> 
> The point here is that if you try to blame the past, you are not focusing on a solution. I'd consider improving a better option than blaming.


Also, I was selectively ignorant as a way so that I could ignore the world around me. I assumed that I could just move schools around, which I did a lot, and assume that I could act the way I did way back in grade school. I immersed myself in a world of cartoons and cheesy pop music. That's why all the way till my late teens, I still acted like Cecile from _Cruel Intentions._


----------



## aja675 (Jul 30, 2015)

It's like this: if nothing bad had happened to me, would I have had a lower tolerance for stress, so the pangs of conscience I felt, would I not choose to ignore them like I did?


----------



## Kittens Are Awesome (Jun 11, 2017)

salt said:


> if i have learned some simple physical skills when i was a kid life would be a lot easier now, im 18 and still cant ride a bike can you believe!! (i mean i can balance it and ride it a few mins in my yard but not out on the street. its embarrassing, sth i would only tell ppl on the internet)
> if my mum was less strict and let me be a lil teeny bad i wouldnt be such an exploding bomb now, when i fianlly went to college and out the house i was on my freedom and i be on the club i be having a closet full of sexy clothes i be sexually active i almost weed out myself but its expensive so eh
> my high school friends wouldnt recognize me ever cuz i was the most uncool girl and now im the baddest bitches in town haha not proud
> theres nothing i tryna be its just who i am deep inside that now fianlly has chance to act out i mean i got it from my dad hes a naturally born player


Neither can I ride a bike actually.


----------



## Tropes (Jul 7, 2016)

Previously I answered this thread jokingly, but seen as there are so many honest and personal answers...

I wish I had an amicable divorce and that we would have being able to respect each other as humans rather than the destructive life shattering train wreck we had instead, with all the consequences of that. Anything earlier than that and I'd have no idea who I'd be without those experiences, but that... That I would change. I know who I was before that, and I prefered being him.


----------



## aja675 (Jul 30, 2015)

aja675 said:


> It's like this: if nothing bad had happened to me, would I have had a lower tolerance for stress, so the pangs of conscience I felt, would I not choose to ignore them like I did?


Anyone?


----------



## aja675 (Jul 30, 2015)

aja675 said:


> It's like this: if nothing bad had happened to me, would I have had a lower tolerance for stress, so the pangs of conscience I felt, would I not choose to ignore them like I did?


Sorry that this sounds disconnected, and vague, but that's how you know this was a copy-paste of something else I wrote in another forum. It's just that, I used to numb my conscience so I could do things that my conscience felt were wrong just 'cause they felt good. If nothing bad had happened to me, could even seemingly unrelated things like this not have happened?


----------



## djmccoy (Jun 11, 2017)

I think we all live with our own taste of morality. What it means to be unsatisfied or find peace. Something most might find given could be the most tantalizing to someone else. You never know what other paths you could've gone down. How those paths would effect your happiness. For that matter, you'd have to subjugate what happiness means to you. It's easy to think of all the "what if's". You just gotta know with every "what if" there's a thousand more "what if's" that go along with it. I believe they call that the butterfly effect.


----------



## aja675 (Jul 30, 2015)

djmccoy said:


> I think we all live with our own taste of morality. What it means to be unsatisfied or find peace. Something most might find given could be the most tantalizing to someone else. You never know what other paths you could've gone down. How those paths would effect your happiness. For that matter, you'd have to subjugate what happiness means to you. It's easy to think of all the "what if's". You just gotta know with every "what if" there's a thousand more "what if's" that go along with it. I believe they call that the butterfly effect.


I dunno, I choose to believe what I believe: that because being exposed to stress gave me a higher tolerance to it, that would mean that if I had never been exposed to it, I would have done what was right because my conscience would overwhelm my brain and I would never be able to do anything that would cause my conscience to go haywire, because in this hypothetical situation, I would have a low tolerance for stress because I had never been exposed to anything that would force me to accept stress.


----------



## Cotillion (Mar 26, 2013)

being born


----------



## djmccoy (Jun 11, 2017)

aja675 said:


> djmccoy said:
> 
> 
> > I think we all live with our own taste of morality. What it means to be unsatisfied or find peace. Something most might find given could be the most tantalizing to someone else. You never know what other paths you could've gone down. How those paths would effect your happiness. For that matter, you'd have to subjugate what happiness means to you. It's easy to think of all the "what if's". You just gotta know with every "what if" there's a thousand more "what if's" that go along with it. I believe they call that the butterfly effect.
> ...


Be it your concern, would it not benefit you to try and find meaning in your suffering? You state to be a stronger and more tolerant individual for it. Is it too far fetched to believe with that same mentality had you not experienced, you consequently would be a much weaker and more vulnerable individual. Your reply focuses much to the very negative, but I'd really try if I was you. To find solace in the positives and carry it through life as challenges lie in every corner and transgression. Life isn't a rose-colored glass and your bound to face problems and obstacles that you may be better off now for than you ever would've been.


----------



## aja675 (Jul 30, 2015)

aja675 said:


> I dunno, I choose to believe what I believe: that because being exposed to stress gave me a higher tolerance to it, that would mean that if I had never been exposed to it, I would have done what was right because my conscience would overwhelm my brain and I would never be able to do anything that would cause my conscience to go haywire, because in this hypothetical situation, I would have a low tolerance for stress because I had never been exposed to anything that would force me to accept stress.


What I mean is, I used to be able to have a low tolerance for stress in that if I found that something was hurting me, I would be good at letting go of it. Now, I kind of have a high and a low tolerance for stress at the same time, like, I get impatient a lot and yet at the same time, when there's negativity in my life, I react to it like this:


----------



## a cat (May 27, 2017)

im sure 99.9% of ppl out there think this way.

what counts is whether you decide to try and make things better or to stagnate.

of course... if you're imprisoned then that's a whole 'nother story. lul


----------



## aja675 (Jul 30, 2015)

I think I'd feel better knowing there are lots of possible versions of my life where things could have gone right.


----------



## pilgrim_12 (Aug 18, 2012)

aja675 said:


> It's like this: if nothing bad had happened to me, would I have had a lower tolerance for stress, so the pangs of conscience I felt, would I not choose to ignore them like I did?


You can have bad things happen and not know they are bad. You can believe they are normal and find anything "good" to be off-putting and uncomfortable to the point you desire those bad things again.

You can have good things happen and not know they are good, never experiencing happiness from them. You wouldn't desire them, nor dislike them. 

It's simply consequences from those which are uncomfortable or inconvenient, emotionally hurtful or physically and mentally harmful that cause negative and positive reactions in us. 

Desire to change those things is another consequence on top of the above. 

It depends on what we were taught in our youth by those we depended upon for our care and our very lives. Examples experienced vicariously may also contribute to these feelings of conscience and subsequent mental, physical, and emotional reactions, as well as actions taken to alleviate negative feelings and foster positive feelings.


----------



## Kittens Are Awesome (Jun 11, 2017)

> It's like this: if nothing bad had happened to me, would I have had a lower tolerance for stress, so the pangs of conscience I felt, would I not choose to ignore them like I did?


But then that is a paradox, because you are implying that you want a higher tolerance for stress, so then as soon as you get a lower tolerance for stress - that is the problem. That is the bad thing. 

So what I am saying is that if nothing bad ever happened to you, and you have a lower tolerance for stress then that is something bad, so you cannot then say that nothing bad has ever happened to you, because bad things are happening to you right now.

We see this phenomenon in babies. As soon as they come out of the womb, they cannot take the sudden pain, that was caused by the contractions (yes the pain happens to babies too. If it is so painful to the mother imagine how painful it is to the baby), and they start crying. The womb is a sensory deprivation chamber, which means you cannot feel anything inside the womb, so imagine how much of a shock that would be to a baby. 

People say that when babies cry they are giving a signal to the parents that they want something. Which is true. but technically, the babies are also sad, or else they wouldn't cry. And they can get sad over the smallest things, such as being hungry, thirsty or if they have pooped or wet themselves.


----------



## Introvertia (Feb 6, 2016)

I was heavily bullied at school that followed me home on a daily basis physically and mentally.

I think without it, I'd be more open and trusting towards other people, 
but it's also what inspired me to seek profession in mental health.


----------



## Arzazar Szubrasznikarazar (Apr 9, 2015)

aja675 said:


> It's like this: if nothing bad had happened to me, would I have had a lower tolerance for stress,


It doesn't really work that way:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/199601/stress-its-worse-you-think
Adult Obesity Linked with Traumatic Childhood Experiences - TIME

On the other hand, having bad experiences makes it easier to understand bad experiences of other people and that they may need help.


----------



## aja675 (Jul 30, 2015)

Arzazar Szubrasznikarazar said:


> It doesn't really work that way:
> https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/199601/stress-its-worse-you-think
> Adult Obesity Linked with Traumatic Childhood Experiences - TIME
> 
> On the other hand, having bad experiences makes it easier to understand bad experiences of other people and that they may need help.


I mean, I was talking about low tolerance of pain in a good way, in that you know how to let go of it, unlike having high and low tolerance of pain at the same time, like, you wallow in it and yet are prone to going crazy about it, kinda like me.


----------



## Tsubaki (Apr 14, 2015)

I don't think that any difference in my experiences would have changed my grade of happiness significantly. All of my personal problems that I need to deal with that lower my "grade of happiness" have genetic causes, so without reshuffling my entire genome, they would still stay and maybe emerge in other areas. So far, I have been extremely lucky and unintentionally avoided a lot of possible bad scenarios, so I would not want to interfere with that.

The only thing that would maybe be interesting is which differences there would be, if my father(who also didn't exactly win the genetic lottery) didn't enable some of my disordered thoughts from early on.


----------



## Ochi96 (Jun 5, 2017)

I cannot know if I'd be happier, maybe yes, but I wouldn't be the person I'm now, and I like who I am, all the bad things that happened to me have made me stronger, so I wouldn't change anything.


----------



## knife (Jul 10, 2013)

I have a bit of a different perspective on this perhaps.

When I look back on my life I find most of my mistakes were ones of non-action. I've always been passive by inclination and I think that if I had been more willing to take an active role, especially during my childhood and adolescence, I would've turned out a haler and happier person.


----------



## The Producer (Mar 6, 2015)

Happier, yes. Tougher? No. All the shit you've been through in life is just "another brick in the wall" like an ENTJ mentor of mine would say when he noticed I was down. Every punch, every financial crisis, every outburst, every bout of depression, every tear from your eyes, it's hardened your mind. Tough situations aren't so tough anymore. It also helps you assist others in overcoming their other troubles as you'll already have a solution prepared. Also you notice, what is seemingly a life-ending situation you've seen someone else have is a fart in the wind to you - Nothing.

Would I be happier? Hell fucking yes. But I wouldn't trade the experience I have now for ignorance, which is of course, bliss.


----------



## aja675 (Jul 30, 2015)

aja675 said:


> I wonder if my life were easier, if maybe my younger self would have made better decisions, or if my undeveloped brain was indeed that impulsive that even good circumstances would still not prevent me making bad decisions.


I totes wonder about this.


----------



## Veggie (May 22, 2011)

I don't know honestly. I made some brave decisions (well imo) to try to be happier, and instead it kind of feels like my life became a punching bag for the forces that be at times, out of my hands.

Been through a few experiences that sorta blew my mind. But I've had to consciously rebuild it, so it's hard to say, because it's like comparing two separate frameworks.


----------



## series0 (Feb 18, 2013)

aja675 said:


> I wonder what if I went to a nicer school when I was younger, then maybe my life would be less messed-up because I wouldn't have issues from my early and mid-teens, which means that I would never have been so vulnerable to the people who mistreated me in my late teens, which for me were practically just a few months ago.


Yes, I do, but, remember that time is tricky. This is not a JJ Abrams movie. The past exists only for your fear to analyze, prompted by your desire to do better next time. Your anger holds you in the now. 

If you DWELL on the past your desire is kicking your ass. It is asking you to want something that can never be. A dream of a what if is mostly wasted time. Realize that you are in a loop of nostalgia and regret and use the memory the way it was intended to be used, to help you not do that thing again. Maybe something was done to you? Then you need to learn how to become aware of that pattern and still avoid it in the future. 

Often, examining the past in this way is caused by your inner sense of worthlessness, kicking your ass, again desire. You are shamed in some way and you are wallowing. It is a choice. Stop the wallowing and analyze the issues and resolve angrily within yourself to do better. Accept that you have spent enough time on it when you have and cut off the wallowing. Swim again ... life is short. If you mess up again or someone tricks you again similarly or fate just stomps you, smile and dust yourself off, and get up and analyze what went wrong, spend a little time in sadness, and move the hell on.


----------



## aja675 (Jul 30, 2015)

https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20170620020105AAkunhS Seriously, I was only inches from having a good past.


----------



## aja675 (Jul 30, 2015)

aja675 said:


> What I mean is, I used to be able to have a low tolerance for stress in that if I found that something was hurting me, I would be good at letting go of it. Now, I kind of have a high and a low tolerance for stress at the same time, like, I get impatient a lot and yet at the same time, when there's negativity in my life, I react to it like this:


Like, I woulda trusted my, "Oh my God, this feels wrong" feelings a lot more if I had never been exposed this much to stress because I wouldn't have learned to like, hold stress in and tolerate it. Tolerating stress might sound like a good idea, but I mean, like, if you don't let go of stress because you tolerate it, it's not a good thing.


----------



## MerelyARumor (Feb 20, 2013)

you would be a lot happier, but you also would be someone else


----------



## Fumetsu (Oct 7, 2015)

I'm going to plead the entropic theory here: maybe things are different in other universes but they will never meet, never be aware of one another so comparing them is moot.
( to put it the most laymen of terms.)


----------



## The red spirit (Sep 29, 2015)

Maybe not. We still learn something from unfortunate stuff.


----------



## aja675 (Jul 30, 2015)

aja675 said:


> Like, I woulda trusted my, "Oh my God, this feels wrong" feelings a lot more if I had never been exposed this much to stress because I wouldn't have learned to like, hold stress in and tolerate it. Tolerating stress might sound like a good idea, but I mean, like, if you don't let go of stress because you tolerate it, it's not a good thing.


...


----------



## aja675 (Jul 30, 2015)

aja675 said:


> ...


TL;DR: I'm wondering if even mistakes seemingly unrelated to my traumas were caused by them. I mean, the old me was bad at holding in stress, and to an extent, it was a negative thing, but my traumas caused me to like, learn how to hold in stress, and by that, I don't mean healthy stress management, I mean hiding my feelings and letting them seethe, or just pretending to myself I was feeling nothing negative at all. There's no way the old me would have held such feelings in, I was too much of a brat to do that with negativity. And guilt is a form of negativity, so I believe that perhaps, if life did not happen, I would have chickened out when I wanted to do things that made me feel guilty.


----------



## aja675 (Jul 30, 2015)

aja675 said:


> Here's the theme song of my thread that I had in mind when I wrote it.


Give me time to reason,
give me time to think it through
Passing through the season,
where I cheated you

I will always have a cross to wear,
but the bolt reminds me I was there

So give me strength,
to face this test tonight

If only I could turn back time
If only I had said what I still hide
If only I could turn back time
I would stay for the night. For the night...

Claim your right to science
Claim your right to see the truth
Though my pangs of conscience,
Will drill a hole in you

I seen it coming like a thief in the night,
I seen it coming from the flash of your light

So give me strength,
to face this test tonight

If only I could turn back time
If only I had said what I still hide
If only I could turn back time..
I would stay for the night

The bolt reminds me I was there
the bolt reminds me I was there

If only I could turn back time
If only I had said what I still hide
If only I could turn back time
I would stay for the night

[repeat chorus until fades out]


----------



## Jaune (Jul 11, 2013)

I mean, I wish I hadn't been treated so badly by my peers in public school. I wish my grandmother never died and I didn't have to see her suffer. Maybe I'd be somewhat happier if things like that had never happened but I think I'd be unhappy no matter what situation I'm in. I always make up reasons that get in the way of my happiness. If unfortunate things had never happened to me I'd probably become devastated by the littlest things.


----------



## martinkunev (Mar 23, 2017)

I have thought about this a lot. There are many things I would prefer to have happened differently, but I'm not sure what would have been the best alternative.

I think highschool has had the biggest impact on who I am now. I'm very happy with the people I met there. However, at the time I was one of those socially awkward people and didn't have much interests beyond school, computer games and programming. This limited my opportunities for socialization so I was usually silent and not meeting a lot of people. It would have been better if this were different, but I'm not sure what change would have facilitated that.

I had internet for the first time quite late (at age 16). My english also became good enough quite late (at about age 18). The combination of these 2 allowed me to develop more interests over time. If I had these two earlier, I probably would have learned socializing earlier.

I wish I had played less computer games. It was a big time waster.


----------

