# Help. Unrequited love and a recurring dream



## geniedownunder (Nov 22, 2012)

Sorry this is long. I'm only an occasional visitor to this forum, but I need some help to resolve a recurring dream.

In my early twenties I had a really close friendship with a guy for a few years. I always hoped it would develop further, but accepted it probably wouldn't. We never discussed anything openly with each other about our feelings toward each other. He started dating another girl on and off, but still maintained the same level of closeness with me. I didn't think this was okay, nor did the girlfriend, but I didn't want to have to give it up. So when I graduated it was a good reason (among others) to leave town. 

In my new town I met someone new, and we started dating and then got engaged and then married. Curiously, my friend got engaged within weeks of my engagement which I have always wondered whether he realised he wasn't going to be able to have me, he may as well commit to the other girl. 

I've now been happily married for over ten years, and love my husband immensely. But, at the same time I have always regretted not discussing my feelings with my old friend, because who knows what might have been. Yet, I also am glad I married my husband and not my friend. 

So, to the recurring dream. For probably ten years I have been dreaming about my friend. Initially it was a bad dream, but more recently it is good to see him in my dream, but I still wake up feeling unsettled. The dream is different every time, but always involves him telling me he wants to marry me now, and I tell him he's too late. In the early years of dreaming this I would be annoyed with him, but now we usually hang out for a while before I send him home. 

I have the dream a few times a week for a week or two, then not for a month or several months. I haven't seen him in ten years, but think of him often. Sometimes I feel indifferent towards him, sometimes I miss him so much my heart hurts. Sometimes I wish I could just stop thinking about him because I don't want to. It isn't affecting my marriage or anything else in my life, just my thinking (I am constantly thinking about multiple things!) 

Can someone help me understand why I keep dreaming about this guy, and what I should do to stop him invading my thoughts? 

Thanks.


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## geniedownunder (Nov 22, 2012)

Anyone?


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## nichya (Jul 12, 2014)

I don't think anyone could answer that, I mean I wish I knew. Although not that dramatic more or less I can relate. I did have these dreams and hunches and waking up in the middle of the night out of nowheres. More than often, I do believe it was not coincidence but key moments. That connection wore off though, although not completely but I think this much is more about my obsession of the past and what ifs. The previous kind of connections I have mentioned, I do believe it was mutual because I knew it happened at key moments or I would find him awake. 

Intuition, collective consciousness If not, personal obsession. 

I wish I could say anything useful or how to just turn it off.


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

Yeah...I don't know what to tell you either.

Perhaps you could use the dream to learn more about yourself though. I am not really knowledgeable about dream analysis, but one theory is that every character in your dream is a different aspect of yourself. Dreaming about a man wanting to marry you might be something like dreaming about your animus and wanting to accept it or integrate it more.

I read a book a while back that was examining the purpose of this kind of desire. And I think it can be helpful to unlock personal development--perhaps by examining what it is you might be yearning for in your life. Perhaps you could think about what that friend meant to you and what you enjoyed together, and how you felt, and then try to cultivate those experiences and feelings with activities that are not threatening to your marriage--like starting a new hobby or indulging in some creative activity. 

IDK...perhaps devoting yourself more to something in your life that brings you happiness (like love of learning). 

Yeah--I really have no idea. I usually just suffer from romantic obsessions until they eventually go away after wreaking mischief in my life. I imagine it's very unsettling to you since you are married, but you sound like you appreciate your marriage and husband a lot, and this is something that's kind of unconscious (which can be frustrating).


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## geniedownunder (Nov 22, 2012)

Thanks. 


Yeah, I think you are both probably right that the friend us representative of something else. I just don't know what. I need to work out how to find out.


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## Punniez (Jun 23, 2015)

I have three theories.
1.) There are times when you interact with you husband (as much as you love him) that you are completely satisfied. It's not necessarily that you think the old friend has whatever aspect it is you find unsatisfying in your husband, it's just that your old friend represents the opposite of your husband (the person you are not with). Or it could be that there are aspects of your old friend that you wish to see in your husband.
2.) Nostalgia of your younger days. People can have recurring dreams of fond moments in their past. Your friendship with the guy could represent your early twenties and maybe you subconsciously want to revisit those times (not necessarily just the moments with your friend).
3.) An unwillingness to let go of regret. You don't regret your current decision, but you've consistently wondered "what if?". 

If it's not interfering with your marriage, just accept the dreams. Maybe see what happens if you say yes? Maybe you'll stop having them. If it's the 3rd theory, your brain may only be creative enough to think up of situations in which something does happen and you friend approaches you romantically. If you say yes, it may not be able to go beyond that (similarly to how people can dream of dying, but usually wake up and don't see what happens after they die).


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## Capellia (Jun 4, 2015)

Dreams are usually metaphors trying to draw attention to unresolved emotional issues. Nightmares are the strongest form of subconscious communication. They can reoccur when the issue remains unresolved. Most dreams don't even mean what they appear to, which can confuse and make them tough to analyze. I use my personal intuition to understand them, but when that fails, I use: Your Online Source For Dream Interpretations to look up exact things such as for instance: marriage or whale or spider or late, if you notice/remember more details. Not saying it's an exact science, but I've gotten a much better understanding of the dreams that I do have. Dreams can also be puns/play-on-words, and makes more sense when the word/situation becomes clear. It's helped me a lot, and hope it can help you as well. Good luck!


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## MrShatter (Sep 28, 2010)

What does he mean to you?


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## MrShatter (Sep 28, 2010)

Punniez said:


> If it's not interfering with your marriage, just accept the dreams.


I find this ironic in context of your signature: "The mass of (wo)men lead lives of quiet desperation." -Henry David Thoreau, _Walden & Civil Disobedience_


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## Punniez (Jun 23, 2015)

MrShatter said:


> I find this ironic in context of your signature: "The mass of (wo)men lead lives of quiet desperation." -Henry David Thoreau, _Walden & Civil Disobedience_


Lol. It's an observation. The mass of men/women do lead lives of quiet desperation. That doesn't mean I'm on of them.


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## MrShatter (Sep 28, 2010)

Punniez said:


> Lol. It's an observation. The mass of men/women do lead lives of quiet desperation. That doesn't mean I'm on of them.


I feel like it's pricking the passive acceptance. The "mass" is dissatisfied but won't do anything about it.


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## Punniez (Jun 23, 2015)

MrShatter said:


> I feel like it's pricking the passive acceptance. The "mass" is dissatisfied but won't do anything about it.


Not understanding your point. Are you saying the mass is, in reality, dissatisfied? Or that they are dissatisfied by my judgment of them, but won't do anything about it?


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## MrShatter (Sep 28, 2010)

Punniez said:


> Not understanding your point. Are you saying the mass is, in reality, dissatisfied? Or that they are dissatisfied by my judgment of them, but won't do anything about it?


That the dream is a symptom of quiet desperation and "Just accepting" it is a passive solution.


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## Notus Asphodelus (Jan 20, 2015)

Somehow, I think that you are actually missing him. It's normal to miss someone and wondering what he or she is doing at the moment without touching upon the subject of whether you once had feelings for him or not. Sometimes, your subconscious thoughts during the day could be replayed in your dreams.


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## Punniez (Jun 23, 2015)

MrShatter said:


> That the dream is a symptom of quiet desperation and "Just accepting" it is a passive solution.


Hmm. But my suggestion was to look for an alternative way out of the dream. Not passive.


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## babblingbrook (Aug 10, 2009)

You could try psychoanalysis or psychotherapy, and analyze your dream. 

Jung calls this process _individuation_: the process of transforming one's psyche by bringing the personal and collective unconscious into conscious.

You could start out by reading the following book, in which the process of individuation is addressed: Man and His Symbols by C.G. Jung — Reviews, Discussion, Bookclubs, Lists

Dream analysis is highly personal so ultimately only you can discover the meaning of your dream. But you can use these as a tool for better understanding.


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## geniedownunder (Nov 22, 2012)

Punniez said:


> I have three theories.
> 1.) There are times when you interact with you husband (as much as you love him) that you are completely satisfied. It's not necessarily that you think the old friend has whatever aspect it is you find unsatisfying in your husband, it's just that your old friend represents the opposite of your husband (the person you are not with). Or it could be that there are aspects of your old friend that you wish to see in your husband.
> 2.) Nostalgia of your younger days. People can have recurring dreams of fond moments in their past. Your friendship with the guy could represent your early twenties and maybe you subconsciously want to revisit those times (not necessarily just the moments with your friend).
> 3.) An unwillingness to let go of regret. You don't regret your current decision, but you've consistently wondered "what if?".
> ...



I think there is some truth in all three theories. Especially the third one. I'm forever thinking about 'what if' scenarios for everything, but I rarely consider what if I had married anyone else, just this one person. Yet, I always end up with the conclusion that I made the right choice in my life. But sometimes I wish my husband was more of a musician/creative type like myself and my old friend, rather than the sportsman that he is (and I'm not). My husband is the better man in every other aspect! 

Possibly I need to learn to be content in my life and my choices that I have made in my life?


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## geniedownunder (Nov 22, 2012)

LuvGen said:


> Somehow, I think that you are actually missing him. It's normal to miss someone and wondering what he or she is doing at the moment without touching upon the subject of whether you once had feelings for him or not. Sometimes, your subconscious thoughts during the day could be replayed in your dreams.


This could also be equally true as the friend representing something about myself. Because I really do miss him. And there wasn't any clear resolution to our relationship. I got married. He got married a month or two later. I saw him once a month after that and he would hardly speak to me (we'd kept in good contact prior to my wedding), and I have not seen nor spoken to him since. 

I feel I would love to have a conversation with him about what happened, and make sure he is happy. I feel some guilt for leaving without talking to him about how I felt or why I was leaving, and worry that I did actually break his heart. Then when I think that I think I am so arrogant and I should just get over myself!


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## geniedownunder (Nov 22, 2012)

babblingbrook said:


> Dream analysis is highly personal so ultimately only you can discover the meaning of your dream. But you can use these as a tool for better understanding.



I might look into this. I'm quite fascinated by dreams, and know there must be a purpose for them. I have other recurring themes in dreams as well.


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## Thalassa (Jun 10, 2010)

You may just be wondering how different your life would be if you made different choices, especially if you're married now for a decade or more and married in your twenties. I think that's normal, just like I who have lived a more varied life sometimes wonder how my life would be different if I had been a more settled person at a younger age, if I'd had some kind of inclination to live out my grandfather's version of my life he had hopelessly planned, and would I have done it if he hadn't pushed me so hard. 


I think these are normal thoughts people have. Especially if you love your husband immensely and usually feel satisfied, I strongly suggest you don't act literally on these dreams.

Instead, maybe there's a new direction you'd like to take with work, hobbies, family, volunteer work, a creative project. ..maybe you need a new direction in something not involving your marriage, but it's a metaphor for wanting more in another area. Maybe travel with your husband, go back to school, have a child, whatever. Write a book.

Speaking of books, read Wifey by Judy Blume. She's mostly known for young adult novels, but Wifey was written for adult women, and is about a bored married woman who has an affair with her ex from her teens, and learns that maybe what she remembered wasnt that romantic after all.


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## Thalassa (Jun 10, 2010)

geniedownunder said:


> I might look into this. I'm quite fascinated by dreams, and know there must be a purpose for them. I have other recurring themes in dreams as well.


I had dreams for years I was panicked because I couldn't graduate high school. This was after graduating high school. The dreams were persistent and reoccurring until I went to college then they stopped. My brain was just telling me that I wanted to go back to school.


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## planetanarchy (Aug 10, 2013)

geniedownunder said:


> Sorry this is long. I'm only an occasional visitor to this forum, but I need some help to resolve a recurring dream.
> 
> In my early twenties I had a really close friendship with a guy for a few years. I always hoped it would develop further, but accepted it probably wouldn't. We never discussed anything openly with each other about our feelings toward each other. He started dating another girl on and off, but still maintained the same level of closeness with me. I didn't think this was okay, nor did the girlfriend, but I didn't want to have to give it up. So when I graduated it was a good reason (among others) to leave town.
> 
> ...


possibly talking with your husband might help you get it out of your system- for me that would work, if I had a husband that is. feel better soon <3


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## MrShatter (Sep 28, 2010)

Often contemplating death will backward illuminate meaning. Just a thought.


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## stargazing grasshopper (Oct 25, 2013)

Hmm idk, I wonder if it's your subconscious mind screaming for forgiveness to enable closure. 

From what I read of your take on the past, you wanted a deeper relationship with the guy but things became too uncomfortable & you walked away soon after finishing your education. Maybe you buried feelings of abandoning the friendship/relationship & you became aware that he became engaged shortly after you had become engaged. I'll bet you pondered whether he was waiting for your return to work things out between you two, but you went through with the marriage without allowing either of you closure from those haunting what ifs.

If I'm not too far off, you'd do well to reconnect, share your feelings with him, have yourselves a good cry & say your goodbyes. 
Just saying. it's likely the sense of loss & not knowing what might've been is the cause of your hurt all these years since. 
I doubt that you regret marrying somebody else, but rather you regret leaving things unresolved & the guilt of abandoning another has been nipping at your conscience for years.

That's how it is for me (STJ/1w9). I need to forgive & be forgiven in order to move on, or else I struggle horribly to forgive myself.
Just my $0.02 worth


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