# Hypotheses about Online Text Relationships



## Marino (Jun 26, 2009)

Even though cyberspace is filled with all sorts of sights and sounds - and becoming more multimedia rich every day - most relationships among people form and grow within typed text. E-mail probably accounts for most one-on-one relating, but message boards, chat, and instant messaging also bring people together. Even web sites, especially those of an autobiographical nature, can lead to friendships and romances. The site starts out as a one-to-many relationship between the creator and the readers - and over time, contact via private e-mail between a reader and the writer refines that relationship and moves it to a more personal, one-on-one level. Such text relationships are not unique to cyberspace. Writers have connected to their readers for as long as there have been books. Letters have supplemented f2f relationships since the birth of the alphabet. It's just that cyberspace has made text relationships so much easier and efficient as on a day-to-day level.

So how do text relationships work? What are the pros and cons? Below are a list of hypotheses that I've gather from articles I read and written, and from my discussions with all sorts of people, online and off. I've gathered them loosely into 7 categories. Some of these hypotheses are more robust than others, but they are JUST hypotheses - not truths etched into stone.


*1. The subjective experience of text communication*

1.1. Text talk is a sophisticated, expressive art form. People vary greatly in their ability to express themselves via text. While it can be learned, some people are naturally good at it.

1.2. Some people are more sensitive in detecting the meaning and mood expressed "between the lines" of text communication. There is a special type of interpersonal empathy that is unique to text relationships.

1.3. The psychological meaning people associate with "writing" (often related to school years) will affect how they experience text communication. People with insecurities about writing may prefer chat over e-mail.

1.4. Some people may experience text communication as a type of "merging" with the mind of the online other. 

1.5. People experience the other's text message as a "voice" inside their head.

1.6. Text communication restructures the way people think about their relationships and themselves.

1.7. People may experience text from their online relationships as being "pieces" of those relationships.

1.8. Some people experience their message as a piece of themselves.

1.9. Even though we may not be fully aware of it, we always develop a mental image of the other person in a text relationship.

1.10. Humor, and especially sarcasm, is difficult to express in text relationships.

1.11. Text relationships lend themselves to "multi-tasking" - i.e., carrying on multiple relationships simultaneously.

1.12. In text relationships one participates in the relationship while simultaneously observing oneself in the relationship ("seeing" oneself on screen). 

1.13. Receiving no reply in a text relationship tends to result in projections as to why the person did not reply.

1.14. A person's ambivalence about intimacy may be expressed in text communication, which is a paradoxical blend of allowing people to be honest and to feel close, while also maintaining their distance.


*2. The relationship between f2f and online relationships*

2.1. For some people, text relationships encourage more self-expression and self-reflection than f2f communication. For others, less.

2.2 Some people experience text relationships as more predictable, safe, and less anxiety-provoking than f2f relationships.

2.3. People who are very verbal and expressive offline may not be in an online relationship. And vice versa.

2.4. People who lack f2f verbal skills may prefer text relationships.

2.5. Some important aspects of a person may be obvious in-person but almost invisible online.

2.6. Some people prefer the text relationship over knowing each other f2f.

2.7. Elements of people's online relationships may reveal what's missing in their f2f relationships.

2.8. In text relationships, some people explore their interpersonal style and experiment with new behaviors. What is learned online can be carried into offline relationships.

2.9. Online relationships form and disappear more easily than f2f relationships.

2.10. Intimacy develops more rapidly in text relationships than in f2f relationships.

2.11. Combining f2f contact with online contact of various types offers people the opportunity to explore and integrate different cognitive styles and ways of being. Different channels of communication may work best for different people.

2.12. Close online relationships naturally progress to f2f meetings.

2.13. Meeting f2f for the first time changes how one subsequently perceives the other online.

2.14. Meeting f2f enriches the online relationship and/or challenges the image one had of the online other.

2.15. Interacting with someone online and offline on an ongoing basis may result in a "separate tracks" relationship. The relationship may be a bit different online than it is offline.


*3. Absent f2f cues and stimulation*

3.1. Lacking f2f cues, text communication can be limited, ambiguous and an easy target for misunderstanding and projection.

3.2. Lacking f2f cues, text communication disinhibits people, encouraging them to be more open and honest than usual, or encouraging them to act out inappropriately.

3.3. The lack of touch and body contact can significantly reduce the experience of intimacy in text relationships.

3.4 Some people are attracted to the silent, less visually stimulating, and non-tactile quality of text relationships.

3.5. People struggling with social anxiety or with issues about shame and guilt may be drawn to text relationships in which they cannot be "seen."

3.6. Text communication enables people to avoid the f2f cues that are distracting or irrelevant to the relationship.

3.7. Without the distraction of f2f cues, text relationships enable people to connect more directly to the other's psyche.


*4. Saved messages*

4.1. Saved messages can be accurate information for reliving and reevaluating the relationship. They provide continuity in the relationship.

4.2. Quoted text may be cited as "proof" of something someone previously said, but quoted text can be taken out of context and juxtaposed with other quoted text, which distorts its meaning.

4.3. Saving text dialogues can help people reduce errors in recall, some of which might be due to distorted perceptions of the other person.

4.4. Saved text read at different points in time will be interpreted differently based on changes in the person's state of mind and the overall psychological context in which the text is read.

4.5. People vary widely in how much of their messages they save and what types of messages they save. This reflects their attitude and style of being in the relationship.

4.6. By using several sections of quoted text within a single message, multiple layers of one's online relationship can be addressed simultaneously... sometimes considerably different layers.


*5. Temporality and Pacing (asynchronous/synchronous factors)*

5.1. The ability to delay responding in e-mail and message boards can enhance self-control, self-reflection, and the assimilation of experiences in the relationship.

5.2. Delayed text communication enables people to say exactly what they want to say.

5.3. During emotional points in an asynchronous text relationship, people sometimes respond immediately without taking advantage of the time delay.

5.4. Because text communication is slower than speaking, people are motivated to "get to the point."

5.5. People vary widely in the intensity and frequency that they communicate via text. Adjusting to the other person's pace is important in the relationship.

5.6. The short and long delays in text exchanges require people to get "in synch" with each other for communication to be more effective.

5.7. A change in the pacing of messages reflects a change in the relationship.

5.8. In the course of an ongoing text relationship, there will be a changing rhythm of spontaneous and carefully thought out messages that parallels the ebb and flow of the relationship itself.

5.9. The easy and continuous opportunity to send a message to the other person can create a comforting feeling that the connection to that person is "always there" or even that the other is "always present." Feelings of separation may be eased.

5.10. The feeling of the other's presence is stronger in synchronous communication in that they are present in-the-moment. The feeling of the other's presence is stronger in asynchronous communication in that people have more opportunity to express complexity and subtlety in what they write about themselves.

5.11. Meeting an e-mail or message board friend in chat is a sign of increased intimacy and/or commitment to the relationship. Contacting a chat friend via e-mail is a sign of increased intimacy and/or commitment to the relationship.

5.12. Some people enjoy and benefit from the spontaneity and specific temporal boundary that is involved in chat meetings.

5.13. Chat meetings create a point-by-point connectedness that enhances feelings of intimacy, presence, and "arriving together" at ideas.


*6. Message construction*

6.1. Text relationships are not the same as traditional "writing" activities, including letter writing.

6.2. The overall visual construction of a text message (frequency of line breaks, size of paragraphs, insertion of quoted text, etc.) reveals a person's mood and state of mind.

6.3. Writing style and effectiveness changes as a result of what is happening in the ongoing relationship. Composition can become more casual, detailed, and expressive as the relationship develops and people feel safe to explore; it regresses when they feel threatened, hurt, or angry.

6.4. In an ongoing text relationship, the people involved develop their own private "language" of abbreviations, symbols, and phrasings.

6.5. The subject title of a message is an important layer of the communication. It can lead into, highlight, elaborate, or even contradict a particular idea in the message.

6.6. Even very simple behaviors, like saying "hello," can be expressed in many different, subtle ways.

6.7. Parenthetical expressions (behaviors or internal thoughts described as "asides" in parentheses) can be as expressive or perhaps more expressive than f2f cues.

6.8. The use of emoticons, trailers, caps, and other keyboard techniques adds an almost infinite variety of creative expressiveness to a text message.


*7. Online identity and interpersonal styles*

7.1. The person's writing style and message format reflects his/her personality. Changes in style and format reflect changes in mood and thinking.

7.2. Some people express their "true self" in text relationships, or believe they do.

7.3. Despite conscious attempts to present oneself exactly as one wishes, hidden elements of one's personality unconsciously surface in text communication.

7.4. The online name/s and identities that people choose for themselves reflects their personalities.

7.5. Socially anxious people may enjoy and benefit from text relationships. Text relationships can be used to desensitize social anxieties and build social skills.

7.6. Talking about one's online text relationships with friends and family helps one gain a better perspective on those relationships.

7.7. As a way to avoid "saying their goodbyes," online relationships and groups may tend to "fizzle out" by people gradually sending fewer and fewer messages. 

7.8. Even though audio and visual internet technology will become easier and less expensive to use, text communication will never disappear and will be preferred by some people.

Source.


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## starri (Jan 23, 2009)

Awesome piece of work man


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## Kevinaswell (May 6, 2009)

tl;dr

Online text relationships = filler.


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## Preeb (Jan 13, 2010)

o-ho, online text relationships... interesting read. I express myself as I am (partly) on the web, always haha! :wink: I tend to lie alot less than irl, too. After all... those interesting details... they can't really hurt me from the web, unless someone should get it in their head to track me down for some reason.
Online text relations = filler with potential for irl relations :wink:


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## Mr. CafeBot (Jun 13, 2009)

When the robot mind is mastered, undisciplined thinking ceases and is replaced by awareness. Awareness can know love.


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## scarygirl (Aug 12, 2010)

I'd like to be closer to people I know in the internet. concretely one .

At times, I wonder if a relationship of this kind is the most natural thing for me, writing all the time.
But to me, when you fall in love, the sex fails in these kind of relationships, and sex is a very important thing for me at times. It is.


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## The Proof (Aug 5, 2009)

there is no such thing as an online text relationship


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## cjobrien7 (Apr 22, 2010)

I'll just say that technology has severely fucked up and perverted my generation, who were the frontrunners of the consumer body for the products. What is even worse is that the man has become better after using us as guinea pigs. My little cousins are already on facebook and being exposed to shit and using language I didn't even know at their age. It upsets me.


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## BloodiedDenizen (Dec 8, 2010)

Quite an interesting read. What is amazing about the Internet is that you can find people who are like you and people who will identify with you much more easily than in person; my closest ring of friends are those who I met online because we met in a forum and on Youtube, and the similar interests sparked conversations. Being INTP, I do not like f2f interaction, or get anywhere near as much from it as I do with online text relationships. Interspersely video chatting/calling each other on the phone while in the text relationship can also help you solidify thoughts about what the person really means when they put down text, etc. 
I do have one very, very close friend, and we have an Internet relationship and an f2f relationship. The f2f one (probably because we don't see each other much) is more fun and carefree, we never discuss anything serious and just have fun. Online, however, we talk about deep topics and help each other through our troubles, etc. So obviously, for me at least, text is preferable. 
A lot of people say you can't know a person through text online. I beg to differ, without the usual inhibitions, you can get people to tell you so much more; they are more comfortable and reveal more of who they are. Unless the person you are talking to is very extroverted or unfamiliar with the Internet (so I'm basically just speaking of my generation here... my mother thinks this Internet thing is insane and stupid and that I can't make real friends online, which is closed-minded, but, of course, she knows almost nothing about real Internet connections...), they will just be generally more comfortable online.
However, it is much more difficult to figure out if you're being lied to unless you are exceptional at reading people, not through their body language and facial expressions, of course, but through their words alone. I like the challenge that poses. Personally, I find it easier when I can actually think about what they're saying and can look over what they said, look for contradictions and such. It's almost like a game to me, which almost removes their humanity... which is why video chatting and calling, hearing their voices and seeing their forms, are important.
Romantic relationships can work this way too, at least for me, except I have always been averse to physical contact before marriage, so the Internet is a perfect venue for me, personally, to have a romantic relationship *shrugs* In that I am radically different from most and would not suggest the Internet to anyone who hasn't made that decision, or anyone who has problems with cheating. I find it easy to be loyal *shrugs again* but that is probably because of my upbringing.


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## BloodiedDenizen (Dec 8, 2010)

Oh, one more thing. It can be dangerous if you are more comfortable online and are talking to someone you know f2f who is known for gossiping and the like. Removed from the stimuli of seeing their face, hearing their voice... you might be more trusting of someone who does not deserve even an inkling of that trust. So yeah. Be careful in that situation.


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## Izabella (Jul 9, 2010)

I had a great relationship with a boy meet on internet, yes, in real life.
But it might be my good look, there are many strange ppl on internet.


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## s0n1c800m (Dec 6, 2010)

I'm currently in a relationship that started on IRC.
I think it is relevant that neither of us began our interaction in the hopes of finding romance. Once feelings of more than friendship developed, remaining text-based became rapidly insufficient.
He's currently looking for work in my state.
I think if two people are very comfortable with using text-based communication as normal method of socializing, then it is not unreasonable to think they could develop a successful relationship.


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## nameno1had (Jan 16, 2011)

I find this investigation fascinating.I think it can be a useful tool for those who aren't as social adept as others to help them become more able to deal with situations they would otherwise shy away from.It is kind of like talking to the mirror.I never saw any literature that explained human interaction so well before the internet became such a part of everyday life.I will say that I tried some internet relationships that became too serious.I do have my regrets, but it is really no different that F2F relationships, in terms of learning where and how to set boundaries.We usually only learn this from experience.I think where I went wrong is that I didn't feel the need to set certain boundaries because of the distance or things went too fast once it left the net.


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## GracieK (Feb 3, 2011)

I really liked this. I was in a texlationship once. I got so texedoff at the guy because he was making me textmotional when he didn't reply (after he initiated). I think I was in a textually abusive textlationship. My friend made me aware and helped me gain the courage to block his number. I no longer allow myself to get textually involved without a textmogomous texmmitment.


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## Invidia (Feb 26, 2011)

s0n1c800m said:


> I'm currently in a relationship that started on IRC.
> I think it is relevant that neither of us began our interaction in the hopes of finding romance. Once feelings of more than friendship developed, remaining text-based became rapidly insufficient.
> He's currently looking for work in my state.
> I think if two people are very comfortable with using text-based communication as normal method of socializing, then it is not unreasonable to think they could develop a successful relationship.


My husband and I met in a chatroom (weren't looking), started off as friends, and well - he IS my husband  You are right, if it is going anywhere, it won't stay text-based for long. We were soon having 4-5 hour long phone conversations daily, and after about a month he drove 1,200 miles to visit. The relationship was even better in person. He moved 2 weeks later to be with me, and a year later we were married. We now have a 3 year old daughter, and will celebrate our 7th anniversary in a couple of months.

I know your post is old, but I hope your relationship is still going well. My husband and I are proof it can work out


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## s0n1c800m (Dec 6, 2010)

Shauna Rae said:


> I know your post is old, but I hope your relationship is still going well. My husband and I are proof it can work out


Oh, it is still going quite well, though it doesn't look like he'll be finding work here anytime soon. I'll be moving up to be with him at the beginning of next year. It is requiring more patience than I ever realized I had, but we think it's worth it.


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## gravitycantforget (Oct 24, 2010)

Preeb said:


> ...
> Online text relations = filler with potential for irl relations :wink:


In my experience the longer you are just doing online chat/texts/mail with someone the LESS likely it is to lead to a real life met and relationship.

I recall sending long indepth emails to a girl and receiving similar back for a few months (must have sent about 20!) - sounds good? I was interested in meeting her, I asked and she said that we didnt know enough about each other! WTF?

I have had a few more experiences like that. Sadly I think there are people online, who will NEVER meet despite being on sites where the aim is to meet people. Reasons I can think of for their reluctance to meet IRL...they are completely lying about their location, sex or status...they are concerned about their looks...concern over safety...they just like the attention


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## dizzygirl (Dec 19, 2009)

scarygirl said:


> I'd like to be closer to people I know in the internet. concretely one .
> 
> At times, I wonder if a relationship of this kind is the most natural thing for me, writing all the time.


I so get what you mean.


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## derimaB (Apr 18, 2011)

On line text relationship?...What is it?..Maybe what your telling is chat...


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## Tootsie (Mar 15, 2011)

I've made some good RL friends from the internet. Relationships can definetly begin on the web.


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## All in Twilight (Oct 12, 2012)

SuburbanLurker said:


> I've never seen any concrete proof that this is true. I'd love to see some though. To think, my deepest and most meaningful relationships have been built using <10% of my communication abilities...seems ridiculous.


A fact is not always truth. I am sorry that this is all I can come up with: (I don't consider Wiki as a scientific source but this is all I have for now) 

Body language - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

I am one of the older generation Y, so I really didn't grow up with the kind of texting that a lot of you younger folks did.

I really appreciate online communication (message boards, not really chatting or PMs).

When I was a girl I'd had experiences talking to guys, only to discover that they were more interested in my physical assets than my cognitive ones. I am maybe projecting here--but it's not a nice feeling when you're talking to someone about something important to you, and then you notice their eyes moving down to your chest every few seconds, and then you realize that the main thing they have to contribute to the conversation is "so, how old are you? Do you have a boyfriend?" etc. And you don't know if they really heard anything you said at all, or if they really cared.

I like the impersonal environment of the message board. I like to discuss ideas, and personal experiences, but I find it boring when conversations fall back into details about me, or life, and that happens so much irl. I find it a lot easier to keep things topical online. And it's nice to be able to come and go as I please, like I can do on a message board. Not a big emphasis on niceties, greetings, smiling etc. 

I was able to dispel many of my unhealthy notions about the opposite sex because I was privy to conversations and thoughts that I might never have heard irl. I was able to see that underneath our bodies, men and women have pretty similar minds (no one is the same, but there is more diversity of thinking between individuals of the same gender, than there is between the various genders).

And yes, it is nice to know one is not alone--when another person expresses something that resonates. And there are a lot of people who are very good at articulating things that I can't, so I appreciate being able to read those posts.

I'm just talking about impersonal stuff in online message boards. So I'm not sure how much I'm really engaging in "online relationships."

Edit: Also, I shouldn't make it seem like all my problems with communication are because of some random guys I met as a teenager. I don't want to perpetuate stereotypes. It's absolutely normal for people to be interested in physical relationships and all that, and I'm sure that if I were some super-interesting, witty, intelligent person then I would have experienced different reactions. My post isn't meant to be offensive or hurtful.


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## Pucca (Jun 13, 2012)

Very informative.


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## Enigma Daddy (Oct 23, 2012)

gravitycantforget said:


> In my experience the longer you are just doing online chat/texts/mail with someone the LESS likely it is to lead to a real life met and relationship.
> 
> I recall sending long indepth emails to a girl and receiving similar back for a few months (must have sent about 20!) - sounds good? I was interested in meeting her, I asked and she said that we didnt know enough about each other! WTF?
> 
> I have had a few more experiences like that. Sadly I think there are people online, who will NEVER meet despite being on sites where the aim is to meet people. Reasons I can think of for their reluctance to meet IRL...they are completely lying about their location, sex or status...they are concerned about their looks...concern over safety...they just like the attention


Currently in the middle of a text-based conversation with a local female INFJ (70+ messages to and fro in the last five days, some quite 'intense') and trying to get her to meet up IRL. Not pushing it too much in case I scare her off... But at the same time I don't want it to draw out too long and hamper the chances of a meet up.

At the moment I'm finding the whole thing exciting, panicky, demoralising, disheartening and energising all at once... I'm drained!

P.S. Very informative thread... thanks go to the OP


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

Yeah, I'm going to have to print this out and read it first...


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## Dewymorning (Nov 24, 2012)

Online relationships are not for everyone, and they are not easy, just like all relationships are not easy.

To make an online relationship work and to translate it into the real world (especially if long distances are involved) takes huge commitment and honesty from both parties.

And unforetunately it is easy for one of the parties to not be as committed or as honest as the other party, and then eventually the other person is heart broken.


BUT GUESS WHAT?

The exact same thing happens all the time in "real life" relationships. One member pretends to be more interested in a long term relationship than they actually are, and eventually the other person is heart broken.

I won't let the fact that other people have had bad experiences put me off this amazing relationship I have started.

I know it won't be easy, it is already testing me, but I am willing to give it all I can, and I know he is too.

I will say that online relationships are not for everyone, but for introverted and intuitive types who prefer written communication, it provides a medium t be very open with someone.

I truly find it easier to express my feelings via writing. Have someone online ask me how the relationship is going and I can write them an essay. Have one of the friends in real life who knows about it ask me how it is going, and I get all embarrassed and am gasping for words. I am sure the only coherent thing I said was "I am happy"

Yes, I am nervous about how this relationship will work out when we meet in person, but I feel like I have been given a once in a lifetime opportunity, and that if I don't take it I will regret it for the rest of my life.

I will heed the warnings of others, but I believe that when we enter ANY relationship we are putting ourselves at risk of being hurt.
What kind of life would we live if we never took any risks.

I won't let anyone else's bitterness put me off.


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## Northwind (Jul 24, 2012)

Dewymorning said:


> I will heed the warnings of others, but I believe that when we enter ANY relationship we are putting ourselves at risk of being hurt.
> What kind of life would we live if we never took any risks.


“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”C.S. Lewis


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