# "Get yourself out there"



## Aya the Abysswalker (Mar 23, 2012)

Morfy Kitty said:


> But people don't really talk there >.>
> You just go there to find some books/games


You cannot really expect everyone to take the first step.


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## Noir (Jun 20, 2014)

nO_d3N1AL said:


> Hmm that's quite unusual for an INTP, I would've thought NTs in general hate small talk.


It's true. However, I seem to fascinated by everything nowadays. Even the smallest of small talks can acquire me interesting info and make me excited :laughing:.

When I was younger, I hated it. However, that got me pretty lonely. So I started becoming more interested in other people - what they like, what they want from life and so on. If you also try to identify their enneagram type and MBTI, it can become quite interesting. People also enjoy when they are at the centre of attention, so it's a win-win.


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## lilysocks (Nov 7, 2012)

Morfy Kitty said:


> I don't really know how to make friends or anything like that and it makes me feel like something is wrong with me.


this is making me sad since you've always scared me to death. shyness is terribly contagious.



> Are there any secrets to this "getting yourself out there" that I just don't know about?


first, no-one will know that 'something is wrong' with you. it might feel that way to you internally. but trust me, unless you're an actual public enemy or you stick fish in your hair and eat your boogers in public or something, they just won't. they'll think you're perfectly normal even if you are shy, because shy is allowed. it's only hte limited minds in high school who are too juvenile to realise it's a standard part of the normal spectrum in human nature. 

second, baby steps works well if you're really unsure of yourself. just getting the little victories in can add up. i had a really bad patch a few years ago, and i dug myself out of it by doing the little tiny things for a while, just to prove to my own brain that it was deluding itself by thinking something was wrong with me. stuff like saying hi to colleagues. the point was: every time i did it they said hi back, and i said to my brain 'see? they didn't see any problem with that. you're full of shit with these ideas that you have.' it didn't turn into friendships, but it laid a groundwork in self-confidence that led me to friendships later.

third, being a wallflower's legitimate too. but imo if you're naturally quiet then some kind of progressive exposure is best for friendships. if you're the kind who likes to listen and get a feel for things before they can find anything they want to say, then i think it puts a lot of pressure on you to expect you can just go to a coffee shop or a library and come home with a friend. 

tl;dr: i think maybe if you're really having a difficult time, it might work best to break the 'problem' into two different problems. first problem is the self-confidence - the idea that you can actually go out in the world and interact without bad things happening like rejection or judgment from other people. that's about getting to where you feel you can count on basic, generic acceptance from other people. 

the second problem is the one of finding actual like-minded people who'll turn into friends. there are always friends and like minds out there, but it's really hard to 'put yourself out there' and find them, while you're still struggling with the first one.


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## Fumetsu (Oct 7, 2015)

Yasminec19 said:


> Find interest in other people. Ask them questions. I'm also introverted but I try and It works. Doesn't come naturally tho, I have to make a conscious effort to ask the question.
> 
> Be curious about people and just ask them random shit. And don't worry about being liked. *Not everyone will like you but you'll survive.*


*

*

My husband actually really didn't like me at all when we first met. That's common with me. No one likes me-and then they get to know me.


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## Morfy (Dec 3, 2013)

lilysocks said:


> this is making me sad since you've always scared me to death. shyness is terribly contagious.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


But how can I have more of those little victories than defeats? What others would consider "negative thinking" and I consider realistic thinking is proven right way more often than more optimistic thinking.


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## Aya the Abysswalker (Mar 23, 2012)

Morfy Kitty said:


> But how can I have more of those little victories than defeats? What others would consider "negative thinking" and I consider realistic thinking is proven right way more often than more optimistic thinking.


Nobody can do that but you. You're the one who has to turn that thinking into positive and think that everything will work out.


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## Morfy (Dec 3, 2013)

Aya of Rivia said:


> Nobody can do that but you. You're the one who has to turn that thinking into positive and think that everything will work out.


That sounds incredibly difficult. I wouldn't even know where to start.


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## Aya the Abysswalker (Mar 23, 2012)

Morfy Kitty said:


> That sounds incredibly difficult. I wouldn't even know where to start.


It is hard. You start by small things, like taking deep breaths before anything else and telling yourself is going to be alright. It's a long road and it doesn't happens quickly. But above all, you gift yourself something everyday.


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## Morfy (Dec 3, 2013)

Aya of Rivia said:


> It is hard. You start by small things, like taking deep breaths before anything else and telling yourself is going to be alright. It's a long road and it doesn't happens quickly. But above all, you gift yourself something everyday.


But what if it turns out to not be alright in the end? I mean I've tried thinking positively before and then in the end things just got worse and worse and I felt terrible and like I was grasping for thin air.


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## Aya the Abysswalker (Mar 23, 2012)

Morfy Kitty said:


> But what if it turns out to not be alright in the end? I mean I've tried thinking positively before and then in the end things just got worse and worse and I felt terrible and like I was grasping for thin air.


Sometimes it happens. If it doesn't go as you wished, then it didn't. You analyse what you ad others did wrong so you can correct it and do better next time. Going around banging walls because it went wrong and I can never think positively because it went wrong will not solve anything.


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## Morfy (Dec 3, 2013)

Aya of Rivia said:


> Sometimes it happens. If it doesn't go as you wished, then it didn't. You analyse what you ad others did wrong so you can correct it and do better next time. Going around banging walls because it went wrong and I can never think positively because it went wrong will not solve anything.


Idk if I can do it.


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## Aya the Abysswalker (Mar 23, 2012)

Morfy Kitty said:


> Idk if I can do it.


The first step is saying that you can do it.


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## Morfy (Dec 3, 2013)

Aya of Rivia said:


> The first step is saying that you can do it.


That sounds like a pretty huge next level step to me.
Can we start with something easier?


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## Aya the Abysswalker (Mar 23, 2012)

Morfy Kitty said:


> That sounds like a pretty huge next level step to me.
> Can we start with something easier?


There is nothing easier. Do it bit by it.


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## Morfy (Dec 3, 2013)

Aya of Rivia said:


> There is nothing easier. Do it bit by it.


Yea I can't do it then lol


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## Aya the Abysswalker (Mar 23, 2012)

Morfy Kitty said:


> Yea I can't do it then lol


Then you'll be stuck in your way to think, thinking that you can never do it, that you can never get out and meet new people. Changing your train of thought is not easy, but it is possible, it takes a long time, but I don't think you'll be willing to wait a very long time to see such changes from the way you're speaking.


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## Morfy (Dec 3, 2013)

Aya of Rivia said:


> Then you'll be stuck in your way to think, thinking that you can never do it, that you can never get out and meet new people. Changing your train of thought is not easy, but it is possible, it takes a long time, but I don't think you'll be willing to wait a very long time to see such changes from the way you're speaking.


I guess.
I'm pretty pathetic and give up easily so yea.


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## Aya the Abysswalker (Mar 23, 2012)

Morfy Kitty said:


> I guess.
> I'm pretty pathetic and give up easily so yea.


Silly boy. You can be better, all you have to do is work for it.


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## Morfy (Dec 3, 2013)

Aya of Rivia said:


> Silly boy. You can be better, all you have to do is work for it.


Too bad I can't do it.


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## Aya the Abysswalker (Mar 23, 2012)

Morfy Kitty said:


> Too bad I can't do it.


If you want to be stuck on that circle it is your problem.


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## lilysocks (Nov 7, 2012)

Morfy Kitty said:


> What others would consider "negative thinking" and I consider realistic thinking is proven right way more often than more optimistic thinking.


my experience of infps in a funk is they get so fearful and so stubborn that they hold out for a guarantee of some globally perfect happy ending before they'll invest anything. that's the main way they paralyze their own lives, and then they say 'see? there's no answer to this'. if it's that hard, you can try deciding you won't take any risks you can't afford to lose, which might mean starting extremely small. like, as in 'leave the house and point out to yourself that nobody crossed the street to spit on you' type of small. 

you can also practice failing. trying, failing, and not letting yourself make a catastrophe out of tiny failures. 



Morfy Kitty said:


> But what if it turns out to not be alright in the end? I mean I've tried thinking positively before and then in the end things just got worse and worse and I felt terrible and like I was grasping for thin air.


i don't have any real answers to that. there's no way for anyone - including you - to know how it will end. so the only real decision is: do you think you can spend the next 50 years in the mental space that you're in now? i guess it comes down to whether the stuff that you fear is worse than the stuff that you're living with now. i can't tell you what to do, but if i were being heartless and brutal i'd say 'do it. you might as well because even if doing it makes you miserable that's not going to change anything. you're miserable now anyway, so you might as well be an active kind of miserable that gives you a chance to learn something new and at least a possibility of evolving a bit.' idk; when i think about trying to live through another 20 or 30 years of stagnation and stasis, that's what makes me the most nuts personally.

i know that my own infp friends do this other thing where they're really extremist thinkers. 'think positive' to them seems to mean not being allowed to name or notice anything bad. 'think negative' means the opposite. so when they put themselves into think positive mode they're just as unrealistic as the next guy. and then sooner or later that implodes on them and they're back to saying 'see? everything sucks' while the people like me gnash their teeth with frustration in the background.


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## AriesLilith (Jan 6, 2013)

While being more extroverted has its benefits, thing is you don't need a bunch of friends or frequent contacts if that is not what interests you. As a fellow introvert, I can tell you that what I've learned about life so far, as a married adult working full-time with her own house and dog, is that time is precious comodity and our lives is of ourselves. At the end of the day, you are the only one walking it fully, so you better walk it in the way you really want and makes you happy. So if you are fine without frequent social meetings then so be it. Personally, me and my husband are happier with minimum social gatherings. We enjoy movies night from time to time, or doing things by ourselves. And we don't really have the mood or energy to go to frequent social meetings specially after a day full of work!
Keeping a few friends with occasional contact seems better for us. Other friends might also have their own busy lives anyways.

With this said, people often worry about how they are perceived by others and how to bond, but actually most of people are to busy evaluating themselves that they are not really paying full attention to others anyways. In other words, while you worry too much, the other person most probably don't care actually.
And then from what I've noticed, people are actually more ok with random questions even if personal than what we think of. I sometimes come to meet coworkers that starts a list of personal questions even if we just met lol. People are actually more receptive and looking for receptiveness than we think, so not asking questions might actually feel cold instead. This is how I've learned to be more talkative, by actually noticing how others do it and see that it is actually ok and needed that I be more personal and friendly. Acting as if we know each other longer is actually accepted and needed. 

Lastly, conversations can be fun too. Some people has interesting stuffs to talk about, some are humorous and good at story telling. And then another thing I've learned as an adult is that there is no time to bother with those who don't matter, as in, if some people dislike you for nothing or small stuffs like just a wrong impression of you, then they don't matter anyways.
We are too different and sometimes people will dislike us for silliest reasons just as we might dislike someone else based on some possibly wrong impressions. Who cares? You got your life, they got theirs, things still goes on. Only the opinion of those who matters, matters.


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## Morfy (Dec 3, 2013)

AriesLilith said:


> While being more extroverted has its benefits, thing is you don't need a bunch of friends or frequent contacts if that is not what interests you. As a fellow introvert, I can tell you that what I've learned about life so far, as a married adult working full-time with her own house and dog, is that time is precious comodity and our lives is of ourselves. At the end of the day, you are the only one walking it fully, so you better walk it in the way you really want and makes you happy. So if you are fine without frequent social meetings then so be it. Personally, me and my husband are happier with minimum social gatherings. We enjoy movies night from time to time, or doing things by ourselves. And we don't really have the mood or energy to go to frequent social meetings specially after a day full of work!
> Keeping a few friends with occasional contact seems better for us. Other friends might also have their own busy lives anyways.
> 
> With this said, people often worry about how they are perceived by others and how to bond, but actually most of people are to busy evaluating themselves that they are not really paying full attention to others anyways. In other words, while you worry too much, the other person most probably don't care actually.
> ...


It's just that I'm generally very bored and lonely. I don't want to have like a million social contacts and constantly talk to people but right now I see my friends like maybe twice or thrice a month and that's about the extent of my social life. I haven't really made any friends at college mostly because I don't really talk to people. I have no idea how to take the initiative and I have really bad social anxiety. On top of that I'm just extremely awkward. So I don't really have a lot of conversations besides the ones I have online. I'm mostly in my own headspace which is probably not that healthy.


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## Hei (Jul 8, 2014)

I've gone through this. Simply put it is practice of forcing yourself outside your comfort zone.

In secondary school I made myself participate in clubs and then even ran said clubs that had large membership my last two years. Mind you I did not take the MBTI until late my final year and I still had very high introverted behavioural preferences of around 90 % at the time. You can do it regardless of how introverted you are.

University more or less the same. Join and be an active participant in clubs you find of interest. The people there already have one common ground with you. Although small talk is awful it is a start to introductions. Find people that seem interesting to you and talk to them. If they like you they will reciprocate the interest you feed them. Talk with people you get partnered with in classes or sit near, pick their brains for things they like. You do not have to guess at what their interests are, they can tell you.

Lastly, part of getting to know people and making friends that you see infrequently is helped and maintained by messaging. I do not care if it is occasional texting or social media messages, it is maintenance... and it can be enjoyable. I do not recommend waiting around for someone to suddenly message you, but rather you take the initiative. And if they send a message, do respond, do not just read it.


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## Morfy (Dec 3, 2013)

LondonBaker said:


> I've gone through this. Simply put it is practice of forcing yourself outside your comfort zone.
> 
> In secondary school I made myself participate in clubs and then even ran said clubs that had large membership my last two years. Mind you I did not take the MBTI until late my final year and I still had a very high introverted behavioural preferences of around 90 % at the time. You can do it regardless of how introverted you are.
> 
> ...


We don't really have clubs at our university sadly.


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## Hei (Jul 8, 2014)

Morfy Kitty said:


> We don't really have clubs at our university sadly.


This makes things more difficult. Do you have a job? Also you still have classes to engage others


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## Morfy (Dec 3, 2013)

LondonBaker said:


> This makes things more difficult. Do you have a job?


nahh, only in the Summer.


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## Hei (Jul 8, 2014)

Classes it is then. Make it your resolution to get to know one person on a decent level this coming semester. Be it someone you sit next to, or someone in a class who does well in discussions (chatty smart people enjoy personal conversation about ideas, views, opinions on what is currently being taught and other subject matters... they should enjoy an INFPs insight).


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## Morfy (Dec 3, 2013)

LondonBaker said:


> Classes it is then. Make it your resolution to get to know one person on a decent level this coming semester. Be it someone you sit next to, or someone in a class who does well in discussions (chatty smart people enjoy personal conversation about ideas, views, opinions on what is currently being taught and other subject matters... they should enjoy an INFPs insight).


I'm a computer science major and economics minor xD


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## AriesLilith (Jan 6, 2013)

Morfy Kitty said:


> It's just that I'm generally very bored and lonely. I don't want to have like a million social contacts and constantly talk to people but right now I see my friends like maybe twice or thrice a month and that's about the extent of my social life. I haven't really made any friends at college mostly because I don't really talk to people. I have no idea how to take the initiative and I have really bad social anxiety. On top of that I'm just extremely awkward. So I don't really have a lot of conversations besides the ones I have online. I'm mostly in my own headspace which is probably not that healthy.


Believe me, many of us have been there and are still there. I too have some social anxiety and my communication skills used to be worse. But realizing the things I wrote and trying to figure out how ti interact better helped me. And I'm a woman in IT. 

You have to observe how other people usually interact. And you know, actually more people are also awkward but they try to act normal. I've noticed that many guys I've worked with can be awkward too, but then we are not counting how many awkward things others did or say, we simply dismiss these and carry on with our interaction which gets better day by day.

So you need to stop worrying about possible or happened mistakes. Find common stuffs that can be talked or simply ask generic questions. Also, while everyone might appear not very interesting at first, you never know when you actually find friends who are more interesting than they appear. People are also shy to a degree and it's not like they feel comfortable talking about deep stuffs with anyone right away.

Since you have friends, do you take initiative asking them out too? If they are also geeks, why not asking them to some event? Talking online by messenger frequently is ok too. If they like anime too for example, maybe invite them to go to some comicon or cosplay event (no need for cosplaying, checking out can be ok too).
You can also bring out geeky topic, or ask what's their favorite movies or series. Ask why they like it and all. Getting people to talk about themselves can help them warm up to you.

You can do this bit by bit, don't overdo if you are too tired of course. We introverts can be less social if we are too tired.  but we need to respect our own needs of resting too.

And if you feel adventurous, maybe join some online community and propose getting to know everyone by organizing a lunch together or so.

Remember, when you are in a social even where everyone is not too familiar with anyone or is lost, everyone is looking for wanting to be part of a group. So it is ok to start forming conversations. You can do it like, start a casual conversation with one person, then if you wonder if the other person is too overwhelmed, pause a bit (grab some food or drink, or ask a question to make the other person talk), or try to talk to someone else or go to toilet to pause.

Sometimes it's also ok if you nor the other guy talks. I've noticed this, that somehow some people can feel inhibited when they are not social butterflies too, but I'm not the only one responsible to keep up conversations and so I allow silence sometimes.


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## Hei (Jul 8, 2014)

Morfy Kitty said:


> I'm a computer science major and economics minor xD


I still don't see conflict, a lot of NTs likes INFPs


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## lilysocks (Nov 7, 2012)

Morfy Kitty said:


> I'm a computer science major and economics minor xD


i'm in i.t. and often find people i like at the sites i work for, but actually only one or two of my real friends have been techies, over the years. it might help if you expanded your scope a little and went to some of the social events or gathering places for other faculties such as the arts. i may be prejudiced but tbh just thinking about gatherings of comp sci and economics people makes me feel like i'd rather go have a nice root canal.

exploring a different population/faculty also has the advantage that people you run into there aren't going to be around the next day if something does happen that freaks you out. you can just silently vanish back into the night. not that i recommend running away as a consistent method of dealing with life. but it might help just to know that you can if you really need to. 

i also fully agree with @_AriesLilith_ that 98.64 percent of all people _just will not notice_ if you embarrass yourself. or if they notice it in the moment, they just aren't going to care. i remember what pathological shyness feels like, and i can remember how suddenly freeing it was to realise one day i just wasn't important enough for anybody to waste thought cycles on me once i was out of sight. it's a paradox, but it's true.


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## FlaviaGemina (May 3, 2012)

Morfy Kitty said:


> Okay so since I'm introverted, socially awkward, shy and quite lonely I've heard this phrase a lot.
> But what does it actually mean?
> 
> Surely it can't just mean "go out of the house and be around people more" since being around people doesn't necessarily mean you're socialising with them. I've always had troubles striking up conversations with people and people generally don't strike up conversations with me. At parties I'm usually a wallflower and even if I'm less wallflowery that day I probably won't talk to anyone (besides my friends if any of them are there). At college the only time I'll talk to someone is when it's absolutely needed for a class. I don't really know how to make friends or anything like that and it makes me feel like something is wrong with me.
> ...


Dress up as a girl, nobody will ever leave you alone and you won't even need to ask people any questions either because they'll ask you stuff all the time.

On a more serious note, do you want to get to know just anyone or are you more selective? Have you ever come across someone you really liked (from afar) or do you not even encounter any people who might be compatible?


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## FlaviaGemina (May 3, 2012)

Morfy Kitty said:


> It's just that I'm generally very bored and lonely. I don't want to have like a million social contacts and constantly talk to people but right now I see my friends like maybe twice or thrice a month and that's about the extent of my social life. I haven't really made any friends at college mostly because I don't really talk to people. I have no idea how to take the initiative and I have really bad social anxiety. On top of that I'm just extremely awkward. So I don't really have a lot of conversations besides the ones I have online. I'm mostly in my own headspace which is probably not that healthy.


I see my German friends once or twice A YEAR!!! As for my English friends, I see them once a month even though they live round the corner. 
Yeah, OK, that was irrelevant and not very compassionate.
I totally understand about not being able to take the initiative. Personally, I'm rubbish at asking people random questions that I'm not even interested in. It's like I know what kinds of things people ask (like "Where do you live?" "Got any plans for the weekend?"), but I just can't force myself to ask these questions because I don't even care.
Maybe try to find an INTP or ENTP, they don't mind if you just go up to them and ask "Hey, what is your opinion about XYZ." ... Hang on.. are you an INFP? Maybe don't try ENTPs, then.

What are the symptoms of your social anxiety? Is it mainly in your mind or do you get physical symptoms like palpitations, sweating etc? If you do get physical symptoms, get your doctor to prescribe you a beta blocker. It makes life a lot easier because you don't waste all your energy on controlling your symptoms.


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## Angina Jolie (Feb 13, 2014)

So. There's a lot of advise here, but I'll jive in as I relate to a lot of what you are cincerned with @Morfy Kitty

Try going through the posts you have written here.
I think I understand how it feels when you find yourself feeling so alone and isolated in the world. There's a lot of fear of trying and failing, which would hurt even more cuz you have now invested a lot of emotion into getting yourself out there, into other people.
But almost every single answer you give here is an excuse (because the fear, I know).... And that attitude is gonna get you nowhere, only ake you feel like some unique, pitiful person.

Youwould be surprised probably if you heard the thoughts so many if not most of those people who supposedly "get it" have when they go home. Somof those people you think hve an easy time bug themselves with the same questions you ask yourself. So you are not alone in a room feeling awkward. 
But you know, that's something that can help you connect with those people actually. I can't give you a specfic tactic, but so many weird things can help you make a connection interests, opinions, jokes, dislikes, likes, worldviews, ays of doing thgs

Try empathising with people, even those you may find distatsteful or completely different from you. You are an INFP, you have this MBTI framework to look through. Emoathising shouldn't comes as a hard task. It's a lot easier to connect to something or someone you understand. 
People do like to be angaged with. If you empathise, you may find yourself wondering something about them - ask. That bossy guy at work - he is probably very dedicated to his work and wants to see everyone and everything succeed - thats quite respectable. Ask about it... Ask somerhing.

No one has to like you.... Do it for yourself, for your own enjoyment and entertainment. Get curious for your own good. Fall in love with people as a concept, as your fellow humans.


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## Praesepe (Dec 4, 2011)

Morfy Kitty said:


> My mum had a way of being both overprotective and negligent at the same time.


 Same here. Her influence hurt me in many ways socially. One moment she would force me to participate in some inane social event, next she's not wanting me to go out on a school night with friends. Parental relationships have a great effect on how we place value on relationships and how we socialize with others. Going through a similar experience has made me not want to bother socializing with anyone, because what I actually need is what they can't provide. I like @Catwalk's idea of acquaintances. From there you can build social relationships that you need while leaving room for yourself to breathe.


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