# Adults/Married I need your advice



## matilda (May 21, 2009)

Okay, so my dad died a year ago.

Now my mom has a boyfriend.

My question is: do I have the right to tell my mom that I'm totally not comfortable with this etc. etc. or is this non of my business. Should I just keep my mouth shut? And btw, she's happy.


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## Thalassa (Jun 10, 2010)

You have a right to express your feelings, of course, and your feelings are perfectly normal and understandable...but if she's happy and it's been a year since your father passed, actually, in reality, it's none of your business. 

Sorry.


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## matilda (May 21, 2009)

Do I still talk to her about my feelings? Should I keep my mouth shut? Thanks, fourtines


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## TragicallyHip (Jan 6, 2012)

Matilda,

How old are you? Whatever the answer, your feelings are valid. And, if you think your mom would be open to hearing about them, I do think you should discuss them with her if only to negotiate some "rules" and boundaries that you both can live with.

It's a complicated issue, and it's not clear from your post what about your mom's boyfriend bothers you. Or where you are in your grief process. 

Have you considered seeking some grief counseling? Maybe with the social worker at school?


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## matilda (May 21, 2009)

I've entertained the idea of my mom getting a boyfriend. But when it happened, I was just, ugh. I didn't think I would be handling it as bad as Im handling it now.

I just feel like its easier (easier, not easy) for her to replace a husband than for us to replace a dad  I feel like she is being selfish. But then I think, maybe I'm being selfish? 

Im 21, by the way. I have a younger sister (18) and brother (15). And I dont know what to tell them. I feel like I should say something (cause they're not stupid. obviously they know something's up). And my mom doesn't even have the decency to talk to us about it.


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## TragicallyHip (Jan 6, 2012)

As I said, it's a complicated issue. And it doesn't help that the family isn't talking about it. I'm sorry. Would it be helpful to spend some time really sorting out your feelings? It sounds like they are all bundled together. For example, you might start by just looking at the anger. You are angry at your mom. You are angry at your dad (I'm guessing). You are angry at yourself. See? All separate. 

I would posit that being able to compartmentalize some of your feelings will allow you to detach a bit from the boyfriend situation and see it in new ways that may make it easier for you to cope.

That's why I advise you to see a counseler, she can help you sort through all this stuff.


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## matilda (May 21, 2009)

Usually I just find a distraction and pretend that the anger doesn't exist. I know that's a really bad idea. I've never actually thought about seeing a counselor. Or a shrink? I thought these things just pass in time. Thanks, TragicallyHip. Your posts are helping me a lot


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## FreeSpirit (Jun 1, 2011)

matilda said:


> I just feel like its easier (easier, not easy) for her to replace a husband than for us to replace a dad


It's my bet that this is the core issue right here. You feel like you are still suffering the loss of your dad
when your mom is moving on. 

Here are a few things to think about:

1. No one can replace your dad. Even if your mom doesn't feel the same way you do about your
dad's passing, it is just a fact that even her life will never lose his influence. It doesn't matter
if she gets a new _anything._

2. It won't do her or you and your siblings any good for her to fight her feelings. Just like it
will do you no good to pretend you aren't angry, it will do her no good to pretend that she
isn't lonely and ready to try again to have a relationship.



matilda said:


> And my mom doesn't even have the decency to talk to us about it.


I agree that she should be a 'man about it' and address the issue. However, maybe she
actually thinks it will be better if she just 'eases' her family into it. Some people think
that this method is the more 'painless' one. Also, she may just be unable to handle
the embarrassment of talking about this new (and possibly unsettling even for her)
relationship with her kids. Yes, I think this is weak. But it is only speculation on my
part.

Also, what harm will it do your father or his memory if your mother recovers from his
loss? No harm, as far as I can tell.



matilda said:


> Usually I just find a distraction and pretend that the anger doesn't exist.
> I know that's a really bad idea. I've never actually thought about seeing a counselor. Or a shrink?


I hate shrinks, but that's a personal issue of my own. Anyway- if you don't confront her this
anger of yours is just going to make you hate her until years later when you finally blow up
on her about this. Or it will just fester until you lose interest in the relationship all
together.

Just remember: your anger is not destructive. It's just how you feel, and she needs to know
it if you want to maintain a close relationship. But if I were you, I would be rational about it when
I was expressing myself to her. I would actually write out what I was going to say before
hand and read it to make sure that I said things I actually meant and wanted to say.
When writing this 'script' don't forget to consider your mother's point of view, or she
won't be able to understand you.


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## matilda (May 21, 2009)

Hey, FreeSpirit, you're good. That IS the core of it all. I actually have a pretty close relationship with my mom. I dont want this issue to bubble over and ruin that. I plan to tell her how I feel as soon as I gather my thoughts and the courage to do so. Thanks  that was some really good advice.


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## Thalassa (Jun 10, 2010)

matilda said:


> I've entertained the idea of my mom getting a boyfriend. But when it happened, I was just, ugh. I didn't think I would be handling it as bad as Im handling it now.
> 
> I just feel like its easier (easier, not easy) for her to replace a husband than for us to replace a dad  I feel like she is being selfish. But then I think, maybe I'm being selfish?
> 
> Im 21, by the way. I have a younger sister (18) and brother (15). And I dont know what to tell them. I feel like I should say something (cause they're not stupid. obviously they know something's up). And my mom doesn't even have the decency to talk to us about it.


If you're 21, yes, you are being selfish. As would your 18 year old sister. The only person it might be weird for is your minor 15 year old brother, yet none of you are small children.

Typically even amongst the religious, one year is an acceptable grieving period for a spouse.

Her supposed lack of "decency" in talking to you about it may simply be her having her own private, adult relationship and why would she discuss it with her adult children if it's not serious enough to become something that would impact your lives in a major way?

Losing a husband is a big huge deal, and in some ways cuts deeper than losing a parent ...as an adult. Yes, if you lost your dad when you were five or ten, I could see you saying this, but you're a grown woman. 

Maybe you don't have a concept of how serious it is to lose a spouse because you've never had a very serious intimate relationship yourself.

HOWEVER, your grief is normal, and losing your dad is a major loss, and your anger probably stems from your grief. So I agree with @Free Spirit about the counselor suggestion, et al.


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## Erbse (Oct 15, 2010)

matilda said:


> I just feel like its easier (easier, not easy) for her to replace a husband than for us to replace a dad


Wrong approach. Don't even think the new friend / husband is supposed to take your Dad's role, or replace him, because he isn't - or more precisely, shouldn't.


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## Zster (Mar 7, 2011)

I can offer you a point of view that might be like your mom's, though each widow's journey is unique... I am six years out myself, have two teens aged kids, and dated some around the 18 month mark.

First: it serves no one to bottle up your feelings or to lie about them. However, I would more deeply examine what you are reacting to, very specifically. I can assure you, your mother CAN NOT "replace" your dad, EVER. It does their love a great disservice for anyone else to think she can - that insults her, your father, and what they had. I CAN'T forget or fall out of love with my late husband. If there ever is another man in my life, he will be participating in that part of my life, not my past, much like adding a child to the family does not take love from the other members of the family.

Trust me when I tell you, unless/until widowhood happens to you, you cannot possibly imagine your mother's lonliness and pain. To think that you prefer her suffering to reaching out again says rather unkind things and probably warrants an examination of your motives.

I have yet to meet a widow who moves into the dating waters without great worry about what her loved ones will think. To force her to choose is unkind on top of her already hurting - a lot like kicking a hurt dog when it's down.

Please examine your feelings for their root cause. Does the thought of your mom doing anything sexual weird you out? I know lots of kids who feel that way if/when they catch mom and _dad_ in a sexual act, as well. Do you fear she will pull away form you or take her love for you elsewhere? She never will. The additional love just comes from somewhere. New people in our lives never requires us to give up our love already being given. Is your anger driven by fear for her? Is there some warning bell going off in your head that makes you uneasy? Occasionally a new widow is blinded by her linliness and grief, such that mistakes get made. Often those closest are the first to pick up on it. Sometimes, we have to let her find her own way, but raising a gentle voice of loving concern might not be a terrible idea.

I would suggest speaking with mom from the point of love, not as a frightened younger kid (than you are). Let her know you are struggling with difficult feelings, even attempting to identify their source. If you fear losing time together - give voice to that. Think of things she might do to ease your concerns. Suggest that you would like to build in some mom/daughter time to help in the adjusting. Above all, assure you that you love her and hate her pain, nearly as much as your own. FYI - dating wont stop or even lesses her pain, by the way. Even if she remarries, she will always grieve the loss of your dad.

In closing, she adores you kids. You are what remains, physically, of your father in this life. To be forced to choose will cause her great agony when she suffers plenty already. Speak of your love and concerns, even stating that you do not like that you feel this way. Ask for time or for her to explain. The lonliness after 20+ years of intimacy whenever you want it is nearly unbearable for her.

This boy friend might not pan out you know. Many of us kiss a lot of toads, or kiss a couple and stop for awhile. She's an adult with the need for companionship, but not at the cost of her beloved children.

I wish you all the best with this. NOTHING about death of a father/spouse does anything but suck. Yet we cannot undo it, dealy as we want to.

(((((hugs)))))
Z


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## matilda (May 21, 2009)

Zster said:


> I can offer you a point of view that might be like your mom's, though each widow's journey is unique... I am six years out myself, have two teens aged kids, and dated some around the 18 month mark.
> 
> First: it serves no one to bottle up your feelings or to lie about them. However, I would more deeply examine what you are reacting to, very specifically. I can assure you, your mother CAN NOT "replace" your dad, EVER. It does their love a great disservice for anyone else to think she can - that insults her, your father, and what they had. I CAN'T forget or fall out of love with my late husband. If there ever is another man in my life, he will be participating in that part of my life, not my past, much like adding a child to the family does not take love from the other members of the family.
> 
> ...


Thank you, Zster. 

I've already talked with my mom. It was.. minimally dramatic to say the least. We agreed that there should be some "rules" and boundaries. 

I basically told her that it hurt us (I talked to my 18 year old sister, and she was obviously even more hurt than I was) when she brings her boyfriend home, and when she denies that he is, in fact, her boyfriend. 

Thanks for your replies, guys. It helped me understand my mom's situation. It was obvious that she needed companionship. It just never really occurred to me that it would be in the form of another man in her life. 

I really just wanted to ask you guys if it would be okay if I talked to her about my feelings, etc. This is because I feared that it was not my place to do so. But now, having told her how I felt, we agreed that it would be best for us all if she remain happy and kept seeing her boyfriend (just not at home. at our dad's home). Maybe in a year or so, she can bring him home. But not this year. 

Again, thanks for your replies, Zster, FreeSpirit, and Fourtines, TragicallyHip, etc.  I appreciate it.

Matilda


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## Zster (Mar 7, 2011)

You've no idea how very glad I am to hear that you did open the channel of communication and that it helped! Believe it or not, you are all still newly grieving. Things did not really starte settling for me until well into year three, though each journey is different.

((((hugs)))) and sincere well wishes to all of you.


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## snail (Oct 13, 2008)

fourtines said:


> If you're 21, yes, you are being selfish. As would your 18 year old sister. The only person it might be weird for is your minor 15 year old brother, yet none of you are small children.
> 
> Typically even amongst the religious, one year is an acceptable grieving period for a spouse.
> 
> ...


Regardless of her age, she is entitled to her feelings. Being a certain age doesn't automatically make a person immune to the pain of losing someone. It is wrong to say that a person is only allowed to have feelings about things until reaching adulthood.

Religious traditions or cultural expectations have nothing to do with this. A grieving period is however long it has to be, not how long someone else dictates. It has nothing to do with decency. 

Diminishing her pain by telling her that adults don't have a right to feel as much grief over the loss of a parent as someone younger would feel denies the truth of her individual experiences, and the strength of her individual bond. Saying that grieving over a spouse is supposed to be a bigger deal than losing a parent as an adult, is a rejection of what she is actually going through. You are being invalidating. Being distraught about it for over a year does not indicate that she needs counseling. Some people just feel things intensely. I still grieve over the loss of my great grandmother, who died when I was in my early twenties. Some people need more time than others, and needing more time is not a personal flaw or weakness. We are just all different. It is my right to feel my own feelings without being shamed for it, just as it is any person's right to grieve as long as it feels right. 

Nobody is in the wrong here. The problem isn't that she is being selfish, or that her mother is being selfish, but that one person's grieving period is shorter than the other's, and what one is comfortable with makes the other uncomfortable. They should talk about it and discuss it as openly as possible with each other.


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## Jennywocky (Aug 7, 2009)

fourtines said:


> You have a right to express your feelings, of course, and your feelings are perfectly normal and understandable...but if she's happy and it's been a year since your father passed, actually, in reality, it's none of your business.
> 
> Sorry.


That's what I would suggest too.



matilda said:


> Usually I just find a distraction and pretend that the anger doesn't exist. I know that's a really bad idea. I've never actually thought about seeing a counselor. Or a shrink? I thought these things just pass in time. Thanks, TragicallyHip. Your posts are helping me a lot


Well, for some people, they can deal on their own. For others, it really helps to talk out your grief/loss feelings with someone who has experience with lots of grieving people. They can help direct you so that you can work your way through this painful situation.

I'm sorry you lost your dad. I can imagine that would be hard.I am also sure that no one can "replace" your dad and it seems weird that this man is coming into your mom's life. At the same time, it was hard for your mom to lose a husband -- not just the love of her life, but someone to help her take care of everyone. It is very hard and very lonely to be a single parent. If it were just a few months later, maybe it would seem like she was running away; but a year is not a weird amount of time for someone to start to fall in love again if they've been able to work through the death of their spouse.

At the same time, if you feel like your mom is just being someone's girlfriend and is not playing the mother role at all anymore, then that's not good for the kids. Somehow she has to walk the line between finding someone to love and still being a good mom.

Family therapy is helpful with this, so that there's a mediator who can oversee the process of all of you talking to each other and expressing your feelings. It's okay to have negative feelings, but the goal is more that you can share all of your feelings and still be supportive of each other through the large transition period.

EDIT: Just saw your last post. I'm glad you talked to her and that you could all share what you're feeling. That's what good families do. I hope you can keep the communication going. Good luck!


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## Thalassa (Jun 10, 2010)

snail said:


> Regardless of her age, she is entitled to her feelings. Being a certain age doesn't automatically make a person immune to the pain of losing someone. It is wrong to say that a person is only allowed to have feelings about things until reaching adulthood.
> 
> Religious traditions or cultural expectations have nothing to do with this. A grieving period is however long it has to be, not how long someone else dictates. It has nothing to do with decency.
> 
> ...


I never said her grief was abnormal or that she wasn't allowed to feel what she was feeling. I believe you misunderstood my post, especially when I said "your grief is normal." Her grief is normal. Her feelings aren't "wrong."

However, her thinking isn't rational to her age, no it's not. I have a hard time empathizing with adults who want to control their parents lives as if they are still children and deserve the ideal of mummy and daddy.

I miss my grandfather very much and it took me a while to grieve for him, but on the other hand, adults are mature enough to comprehend that their parents lives aren't ABOUT THEM. Her mom and dad's relationship wasn't just about being parents - it was also about their marriage, as adults. 

She suggested that her mother was being "selfish" and for all intents and purposes, I don't think that's true at all, and the reason why I used the example of religious traditions was to point out that there's nothing abnormal about her mother wanting to seek out adult companionship.

The OP isn't being selfish to feel this way, but yes, it would be selfish for her to make childish demands upon her mother. She probably realizes that, though, seeing as that she even made this thread in the first place.

Also, I never said her pain was or should be less for losing her father, she's the one who said it would be somehow "easier" for her mom to replace a husband, and I was correcting that idea, by suggesting that no, that's not "easier."

EDIT: Also know, when I say I miss my grandfather, he was my father figure. He raised me. My grandmother died when I was five-going-on-six and he remarried by the time I was 8, was dating a year later. I never had a problem with it. My parents were divorced by the time I was consciously aware of what was going on, so I learned at a young age that both my parents and grandparents lives were their own to live. Although my father has died, I don't really grieve for him the way I would for either of my grandparents, or the way I will someday for my mother. Just to give you some background, lest you think I would know better if I had lost a parent, because I have.


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## Thalassa (Jun 10, 2010)

matilda said:


> Thank you, Zster.
> 
> I've already talked with my mom. It was.. minimally dramatic to say the least. We agreed that there should be some "rules" and boundaries.
> 
> ...


I'm glad that you were able to come to a compromise in your family where you understand your mother's need for companionship, but it doesn't have to be "in your face" yet while you and your siblings are still grieving.


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## eterea (Dec 7, 2010)

I think you should tell your mom how you feel but not judge her or try to change her behavior. Take care. I am sorry for your loss.


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