# (INTJ's and INTP's) Relationships, Compatibility, & the Inferior Function



## SilverRose (Mar 30, 2010)

INFJ, INFP, INTP, INTJ Relationships, Compatibility, & the Inferior Function

A.J. / OCTOBER 26, 2011

Despite their “otherworldliness,” Intuitive Introverts (INFJs, INFPs, INTPs, INTJs) still seek love and intimacy. Like other types, Intuitive Introverts often struggle when it comes to finding a good relational match, often wondering if true love and compatibility will ever find them. In this post, I will explore some key factors that contribute to the success (or breakdown) of INFJ, INFP, INTP, & INTJ relationships.
Depending on their type, Intuitive Introverts will use different methods and standards for evaluating prospective partners. INTPs and INTJs might take a logical approach to finding love, listing the desired qualities of their imagined mate. INFs are likely to find such logical approaches distasteful or even laughable. INFJs lean heavily on their intuition for identifying potential love interests, while INFPs assess potential mates by way of their feelings and values. Despite such differences in approach, Intuitive Introverts are alike in their susceptibility to being tripped up by their inferior function. In order to understand what I mean by this, we will need to backtrack a bit first.

In my view, all types are best paired with mates who align with the needs and values of their dominant and/or auxiliary functions. I also believe that the approach used by an individual to assess potential mates should be rooted in the top two functions of his or her type. Take INTPs, for example. In accordance with their dominant (Ti) and auxiliary (Ne) functions, INTPs tend to value things such as ideas, theories, philosophizing, and intellectual discussions. These are also the sorts of things that INTPs will, and arguably should, consciously value in a partner. After all, if the INTP’s partner does not stimulate his or her mind, what will hold the INTP’s interest in the long term? In sum, if consulting their Ti and Ne, INTPs are seeking what David Keirsey has dubbed a “mindmate.”

The Inferior Function as Mischief-Maker

Unfortunately, what makes sense on paper (i.e., matchmaking according to the top two functions) does not always play out in the real world. The reason for this has much to do with the mischievous ways of the inferior function. The inferior function opposes the dominant function, is largely subconscious, and, in many ways, has its own agenda. Its needs and values oppose those of the dominant function, creating a psychological tug-of-war between the conscious (i.e., the dominant function) and subconscious (i.e., the inferior function) minds. For more on this see this post.

The influence of the inferior, which is particularly potent early in life, helps to explain why people often pair with their typological opposite. The experience of infatuation is often fueled by the inferior, which can blind individuals to the fact that pairing with their opposite typically requires a sacrificing of some prominent needs and values of their top two functions. The insidious influence of the inferior may explain, at least in part, why those who marry before the age of 25 are far more likely to end up divorced.

We will now consider some specific ways in which the inferior function may influence mating behaviors in specific introverted personality types:

INFJ/INTJ Relationships: Extraverted Sensation (Se) is the inferior function of INFJs and INTJs. Like ESPs, for whom Se is the dominant function, INFJs and INTJs enjoy material comforts, novel sensations, and aesthetics (see this post). When it comes to relationships, INJs may be drawn, even unwittingly, to ESP types. Unlike many INJs, ESPs are not afraid of action (see this post on why Intuitive Introverts struggle to act), but can effortlessly navigate the extraverted world. ESPs can excel in sales or business and often display a high earning potential. This promise of financial security and material stability can be especially attractive to INFJs, who are often uncertain of their ability or desire to hack it in today’s fast-paced marketplace. With that said, because of their ready access to their subconscious by way of their Ni, INFJs are probably the least likely of all types to be chronically blinded by their inferior function. Sure, there will be periods when they succumb to Se indulgences, but they are less likely than other types to impulsively sign-up for a long-term relationship based on the infatuating influence of their inferior. Hence, it is important to differentiate the role of the inferior in INTJs and INFJs. For INTJs, the materialization of a successful relationship with another person seems a most difficult achievement. For INFJs, materialization of economic wealth found in the security of physical objects seems hardest to come by.

INTP/ISTP Relationships: Extraverted Feeling (Fe) is the inferior function of INTPs and ISTPs. Like EFJs, for whom Fe is dominant, INTPs and ISTPs seek harmony and good feelings in the environment. Like moths to a flame, ITPs are commonly drawn to the warmth and radiance of FJ types (INTJs, for whom Feeling is tertiary, may experience some of this as well). Because their Feeling is inferior, ITPs are highly prone to infatuation and can be quite naive when it comes to selecting a suitable long-term partner. The childlike nature of their Feeling is evident in ITPs’ frequent attraction to sappy and simplistic love songs, not to mention romantic comedies. It is therefore of great importance that INTPs and ISTPs be aware of the powerful influence of their inferior function in order to avoid making costly errors of judgment in selecting a mate (I plan to post on this soon).

INFP/ISFP Relationships: Extraverted Thinking (Te) is the inferior function of INFPs & ISTPs. Like ETJs, INFPs and ISFPs aspire to be strong, confident, and self-assured. For IFPs who fail to experience these qualities, pairing with an ETJ can seem quite appealing. INFPs and ISFPs alike can be drawn to the strength, logic, leadership, and commanding presence of ETJs. Unfortunately, IFPs who find themselves in an unhealthy relationship with a domineering ETJ can experience great difficulty in severing the relationship. The ETJ’s strength often seems insurmountable and a situation of long-term codependency ensues.

Should Opposites Mate?

The notion of the attraction of opposites is often romanticized and even encouraged by some. Such pairings are often conceptualized as a balancing of individual strengths and weaknesses. An INFP and an ESTJ pairing, for instance, might be conceived as seizing an opportunity for interpersonal balance. While ES types may be drawn to this notion of interpersonal compensation, Intuitive Introverts tend to be equally concerned with personal growth and self-actualization. Hence, pairing with their typological opposite may in some ways be or feel stunting for IN types. To grow as individuals, Intuitive Introverts need to develop their Extraversion and Sensing functions. However, if they rely to heavily on an ES partner for these things, their personal growth and development could feasibly be impaired.

Compromise, while necessary in any relationship, can also involve a great a price when typological opposites come together. Intuitives tend to be particularly sensitive to this issue, struggling with the idea of sacrificing their individuality for the sake of preserving the relationship. As idealists, persisting in mediocre relationships for the sake of duty or convention is a difficult pill for many Intuitives to swallow.

Because of its role in facilitating the pairing of typological opposites, I feel it is critical that all types work to develop an awareness and understanding of the workings of their inferior function. The insidious influence of the inferior can cause both Introverts and Extraverts to make detrimental errors in judgment when selecting a romantic partner.

Rather than heeding the naive and childlike feeling judgments of their inferior (Fe), INTPs are better off using their Thinking (Ti) when it comes to selecting a mate. Like INTPs, INTJs are often best paired with a mindmate, resisting what might be a first-blush attraction to ESFP finesse or beauty. INFPs will do best to listen to their hearts and deeply held values (Fi) rather than making a Te list of pros and cons or being wooed by the ostensible strength or confidence of an ESTJ. Finally, INFJs, despite their Se’s concern for material comforts and beautiful surroundings, will typically be happiest with another Intuitive type, even if his or her income is more meager than that of an ESTP tycoon or stockbroker.


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## redmanXNTP (May 17, 2011)

I'm always very skeptical about people's takes on MBTI-oriented compatability, but I think this is a very thoughtful and largely (generally, of course) valid viewpoint. 



SilverRose said:


> INTP/ISTP Relationships: Extraverted Feeling (Fe) is the inferior function of INTPs and ISTPs. Like EFJs, for whom Fe is dominant, INTPs and ISTPs seek harmony and good feelings in the environment. Like moths to a flame, ITPs are commonly drawn to the warmth and radiance of FJ types (INTJs, for whom Feeling is tertiary, may experience some of this as well). Because their Feeling is inferior, ITPs are highly prone to infatuation and can be quite naive when it comes to selecting a suitable long-term partner. The childlike nature of their Feeling is evident in ITPs’ frequent attraction to sappy and simplistic love songs, not to mention romantic comedies. It is therefore of great importance that INTPs and ISTPs be aware of the powerful influence of their inferior function in order to avoid making costly errors of judgment in selecting a mate (I plan to post on this soon).


So true (except for the sappy love songs and romantic comedies part - WTF?). I lived this. My ex-wife is an ESFJ, my polar opposite. Her relative lack of intellectual pursuits (her idea of unwinding was sitting on the sofa, watching American Idol and doing a crossword puzzle . . . with me next to her - kill me now) and my frustrating (for her) disorganization, procrastination and need to detach and read/think/imagine was a killer, especially combined with our mutually guarded personalities. While there were complimentary aspects to our match, it just wasn't going to work.


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## billymark (Nov 3, 2011)

I didn't read the whole thing but as an intp, my best relationship was definitely with an isfp. She wasn't the typical "bubble-farty" type and wasn't scared to use her J function, if needed. At the same time, we both got along very well in morals and humor. Hers was derived from a completely different place but worked so well with mine. She didn't give a shit about intellectual pursuits and gave very little thought about her views. I was an atheist, libertarian and she was very much a christian, southern baptist, republican. That eventually was our downfall; she hated the fact that I was a stoner and went to bars on occasion. The only "immoral" ***** in her armor was sex. Everything else was somewhat off limits. It was sad it didn't work. We're still friends too.


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## Master of Visibility (Nov 5, 2011)

SilverRose said:


> INFP/ISFP Relationships: Extraverted Thinking (Te) is the inferior function of INFPs & *ISTPs*.


Just thought I would point this out, otherwise it would bother me knowing that it is there.

Overall very informative, and I wish to express my gratitude.


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