# Getting over mean comments



## loving2011

This sounds easier than it is, but how do you get over it? I can tell myself "It's not true", but it still hurts. I will say that the people making these comments aren't "winners." A girl that called me crazy was engaged to an abusive child porn addict, and probably is going to continue to reap what she sows. She has a new boyfriend now, and we all know how the cycle of abuse is . An ex that sent me a nasty e-mail obviously is struggling, as he should be over someone that he broke up with 2 years ago. Why waste your energy trying to tear someone down, if you have other things to do? Two other men that went along with the "crazy comment" and told me that I wouldn't find a man to commit me were divorced 50 year old bald men (got to trust those men for relationship advice!). One of the men even confessed to being a cheater. Thankfully, I haven't been involved in any of those situations. 

Is it fair to say that these people are just jealous? I will admit that I do have good things in my life. Plenty of dates. A good job. Independence. Lots of opportunities to grow. Good health. Compliments from people in real life. Nonetheless, those comments hurt. 

So, how do you get over the pain of people's cutting comments?


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## Serak

It hurts, but I saw it like this and it helped me move past my initial emotional response:

Anyone low enough to go out of their way to say bad things about someone else deserves _pity_. They probably need help and instead choose to lash out, driving away many people that might have otherwise been able to help them. This lowers the number of people in their life to an incredible minority of people who will endure that abuse and help out anyway--good luck finding someone to do that for you.

When I think about it like this I can't help but respond to the callous remarks of others as I would a pre-schooler calling me a "poopyhead".


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## Doc Dangerstein

There comes a time when you realize the you just can't be friends with certain people. Just because you see the capacity for good in someone doesn't make you responsible for bringing it out. Doing so will only continue to drain your energies and therefore make you bitter toward people who don't deserve it. I dropped many such friends of this sort in recent years and never felt better.

There is much to be said in favour of treating people well; but, if they show little respect for my hospitality they can find it elsewhere. Instead of wasting your efforts in pondering a jerk's motive, wouldn't it be better to make that same effort in keeping good company? Miserable people love it when you acquire their habits and become miserable yourself; that way they can secure your company. So, don't contribute to the quagmire.


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## WolfStar

loving2011 said:


> This sounds easier than it is, but how do you get over it? I can tell myself "It's not true", but it still hurts. I will say that the people making these comments aren't "winners." A girl that called me crazy was engaged to an abusive child porn addict, and probably is going to continue to reap what she sows. She has a new boyfriend now, and we all know how the cycle of abuse is . An ex that sent me a nasty e-mail obviously is struggling, as he should be over someone that he broke up with 2 years ago. Why waste your energy trying to tear someone down, if you have other things to do? Two other men that went along with the "crazy comment" and told me that I wouldn't find a man to commit me were divorced 50 year old bald men (got to trust those men for relationship advice!). One of the men even confessed to being a cheater. Thankfully, I haven't been involved in any of those situations.
> 
> Is it fair to say that these people are just jealous? I will admit that I do have good things in my life. Plenty of dates. A good job. Independence. Lots of opportunities to grow. Good health. Compliments from people in real life. Nonetheless, those comments hurt.
> 
> So, how do you get over the pain of people's cutting comments?


People's words have as much truth as you give them. If someone calls me lazy, it only hurts me if I decide that I am lazy and that I don't like that I am lazy, and thus I don't like someone pointing it out. If I am not lazy, then their words have no meaning. If I'm lazy and I recognize it and accept it, then their words are merely pointing out that the sky is blue.

My self does not have to be defined by other people's words. Why should their words be weighted more than my own?


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## xlr8r

WolfStar said:


> People's words have as much truth as you give them. If someone calls me lazy, it only hurts me if I decide that I am lazy and that I don't like that I am lazy, and thus I don't like someone pointing it out.


I somewhat agree.

If you are hurt by bad words, probably you know or you fear they could be true, more or less consciously.


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## loving2011

WolfStar said:


> People's words have as much truth as you give them. If someone calls me lazy, it only hurts me if I decide that I am lazy and that I don't like that I am lazy, and thus I don't like someone pointing it out. If I am not lazy, then their words have no meaning. If I'm lazy and I recognize it and accept it, then their words are merely pointing out that the sky is blue.
> 
> My self does not have to be defined by other people's words. Why should their words be weighted more than my own?


 How do you get to that point? I feel like I have to prove myself to these people


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## WolfStar

loving2011 said:


> How do you get to that point? I feel like I have to prove myself to these people


Why do you feel like you have to prove yourself? Otherwise they'll have some image of you that you feel is false? Otherwise people might think X of you and you don't like that? Why does it matter to you what they think of you?

It matters, I imagine, because you're not secure in your own self image. If you knew yourself, it wouldn't matter what they thought of you. Why would one person thinking/saying X about you matter? You'd be doing your own thing, being your own self, and they could do the same, whether that was saying nice things or not, because those things wouldn't influence you because you already knew yourself.

There's a difference between being open minded and being dependent on others for validation. Take some time and look at yourself, without judging yourself like you're afraid others do, and just see what you see. Then, when anyone says anything about you, you'll know the truth, and why would you need to defend yourself then?


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## loving2011

True.. There is a sense of self in me. It's just not too strong right now. I was brought up to think that other people's words were truth, but that's no excuse. Even if their words were true, I have the power to improve myself


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## Adrift

"CALMNESS of mind is one of the beautiful jewels of wisdom. It is the
result of long and patient effort in self-control. Its presence is
an indication of ripened experience, and of a more than ordinary
knowledge of the laws and operations of thought.

A man becomes calm in the measure that he understands himself as a
thought evolved being, for such knowledge necessitates the
understanding of others as the result of thought, and as he develops
a right understanding, and sees more and more clearly the internal
relations of things by the action of cause and effect he ceases to
fuss and fume and worry and grieve, and remains poised, steadfast,
serene.
.
.
.
Yes, humanity surges with uncontrolled passion, is tumultuous with
ungoverned grief, is blown about by anxiety and doubt only the wise
man, only he whose thoughts are controlled and purified, makes the
winds and the storms of the soul obey him.

Tempest-tossed souls, wherever ye may be, under whatsoever
conditions ye may live, know this in the ocean of life the isles of
Blessedness are smiling, and the sunny shore of your ideal awaits
your coming. Keep your hand firmly upon the helm of thought. In the
bark of your soul reclines the commanding Master; He does but sleep:
wake Him. Self-control is strength; Right Thought is mastery;
Calmness is power. Say unto your heart, "Peace, be still!"

James Allen, As a Man Thinketh (freely available at the Gutenberg Project)

I know that mindful meditation has been used successfully to blunt the trauma of child abuse, so it may be something you'd want to explore; or you can find out what Vulcans do.


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## countrygirl90

The most practical and workable philosophy won't work if you won't .No matter whatever advice you get here ,if you yourself don't inculcate the decision to change your way of thinking and mindset ,then those advice will too would not work for you .I have too faced these kind of situations sometimes,mainly because some people are coward does not mean we are helpless ,if those comments are true then prove them wrong ,and if not then let them say what they want to say ,don't fret yourself with it ,cowardly dogs keep barking while elephants walks carefree .


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## Husgark

I got over mean comments and insults gradually over time by being exposed to them fairly regularly. Eventually I reached the point were I just shrug my shoulders at anyone who tries to insult me. If someone says something mean to you, don't do anything about it. Distract your thoughts with something else. Insults should be met with indifference. Of course you can realize that the insults are false, but it's not something you should dwell on.


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## loving2011

The thing is I've been exposed to a lot of mean comments. I grew up with bullying and abuse, but I'm still sensitive. Comments are triggering.


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## Shale

You stop worrying about the things you cannot control. In the meantime, block them from having contact with you. The universe has a unique way of working things out for you, if you allow it. It will constantly weed your garden of life. Remember too that you don't have control over the lessons it is teaching to people who have wronged you. This is how I am am to move past bad situations.


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## Jennywocky

WolfStar said:


> People's words have as much truth as you give them. If someone calls me lazy, it only hurts me if I decide that I am lazy and that I don't like that I am lazy, and thus I don't like someone pointing it out. If I am not lazy, then their words have no meaning. If I'm lazy and I recognize it and accept it, then their words are merely pointing out that the sky is blue.
> 
> My self does not have to be defined by other people's words. Why should their words be weighted more than my own?





xlr8r said:


> I somewhat agree.
> 
> If you are hurt by bad words, probably you know or you fear they could be true, more or less consciously.


I think that's, like, part of it -- in terms of how much validity you give someone's comments.

Another aspect is if you actually want to be communicate and be on good terms with people, to have some kind of mutual relationship. To have someone be slamming you and taking an unjustified negative tact is basically like sticking out your hand in friendship and having someone whack it over and over with a mallet. It can leave you wondering if you did something wrong and why you are disliked or hated when you've actually been trying to approach someone on good faith, and even if you decide they were wrong, well, why does someone have to be destructive rather than constructive?



loving2011 said:


> The thing is I've been exposed to a lot of mean comments. I grew up with bullying and abuse, but I'm still sensitive. Comments are triggering.


I agree. I've had to deal with some heavy-duty rejection and crap from people I trusted. Even with a good head on my shoulders for recognizing what might be going on, those comments/events are like cues that get tied into your emotion memory, so when you are hit with one, it can immediately call up those unresolved emotions. I know I can feel hit out of the blue with something I thought I had worked through, but then I find myself having a response to something that lets me know I wasn't actually over it, and wondering if I ever will be.

In those kinds of cases, it might be better to avoid the situations that could be constantly triggering until you get some more distance, depending on the pervasiveness and the commonality of it.



Husgark said:


> I got over mean comments and insults gradually over time by being exposed to them fairly regularly. Eventually I reached the point were I just shrug my shoulders at anyone who tries to insult me. If someone says something mean to you, don't do anything about it. Distract your thoughts with something else. Insults should be met with indifference. Of course you can realize that the insults are false, but it's not something you should dwell on.



Yeah, I tend to analyze the situation and try to get perspective and, if I see there is no validity in the comments, I can better analyze where their true source is and then frame it and then let the emotions dissipate to some degree. In experience, it's better just to let things go and not give the comments validity; in the end, they were still just words, and I can still make active decisions for myself and make my life better.


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## Bricolage

loving2011 said:


> A girl that called me crazy was engaged to an abusive child porn addict, and probably is going to continue to reap what she sows.


That subtle sense of vengeance and quasi-justice is at the heart of christianity.


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## loving2011

unctuousbutler said:


> That subtle sense of vengeance and quasi-justice is at the heart of christianity.


 I probably worded that wrong, as I do hope people in these situations can find happiness. Based on her patterns, a clinical perspective suggests that she may end up with a similar man. Statistics show that abused women have a higher chance of ending up with another abuser. It's sad, but its how the cycle goes.......especially when a woman jumps into another relationship so quickly. If a woman wants to call me crazy to make herself feel better about her own life, why not just focus on building your soul up to attract good things? You do have a point where we need to be careful on seeing others suffer, bc it can come back to us. the universe only hears what we put out and throws it back to you. I also believe karma happens to others for a reason.


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## loving2011

Shaie-yes, I don't talk to these people anymore. Their voices just pop up out of nowhere.


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## loving2011

I'm bumping this thread, because I truly do feel empowered RIGHT NOW to reject the naysayers. I just got back from a meeting with a person that emanated positive energy, and their energy and views rubbed of on me. I'm determined to be the absolute best I can be, and to rise above the wolves that attack me. 

If you're a sensitive person like me, the solution is simple. Stay away from negative people, even the ones that want to help you. They may say they care, but a negative person still inflicts their energy on to you. Surround yourself with positive people. Do things that build up your soul and give you a purpose. We are in control of who we hang around with and how we choose to feel. If something negative comes your way, it's a test. Rise above it. You have a lot more power and potential than you think. It's easy to feel hurt and sulk, but the true sign of strength is to be able to see the gift in a "negative experience." 

Thanks everyone for the replies!


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## Doc Dangerstein

... just one quick tangent. I feels it might be important to point out grounds for a potential logical fallacy. In the opening post, there is talk about the cycle of abuse. Statistically, it has been shown that abusive people have a history of being abused. This different from saying that the abused are bound to become abusive. If someone is feeling anxious knowing this statistic, take a moment to think about the people who remained gentle.

Triggers are horrible; at my worst I have been known to break down, have panic attacks or get consumed with rage. I was also indoctrinated with the idea of putting others before yourself, to have a disproportionate sense of humility and to mind what other people think. It's more about finding a pleasant equilibrium and not doing a 180.


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## Kizuna

The Experiment said:


> Triggers are horrible; at my worst I have been known to break down, have panic attacks or get consumed with rage. I was also indoctrinated with the idea of putting others before yourself, to have a disproportionate sense of humility and to mind what other people think. It's more about finding a pleasant equilibrium and not doing a 180.


This is sad and regrettable, I really hope you have been able to heal and grow as a person, find inner peace and find out that you deserve just as much love as those around you.


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## MNiS

loving2011 said:


> Haha, the question is why do I keep thinking about it. I don't talk to her.


You're allowing her to have you in her clutches. That's not good.



> As an infj/hsp, is it common to dwell on things? That's my weakness. Dwelling and giving too much power to others. And being super sensitive.


Yes, it could very well be. Although as long as you don't begin to obsess over your thoughts, you should be fine.



> As posters have said, the solution is to just not give a hoot.


No, no. Don't do that, that'll make you apathetic. The best thing to do is to never let things that would normally bother you, bother you. Always have your shields up. 



> I can choose on feeling good, despite what anyone says.


Yes, you can. YOU!!! 



> There are good and uplifting people in my life.  I feel a lot better already


That's fantastic to hear... read.


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## TheINFJ

I personally don't truly "get over" mean comments, but the best thing you can do is not say mean things to them back. This stoops you down to their level. They really just want to get a reaction out of you. They want others to join into being hateful so they don't feel alone.


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## MNiS

TheINFJ said:


> I personally don't truly "get over" mean comments, but the best thing you can do is not say mean things to them back. This stoops you down to their level. They really just want to get a reaction out of you.


Ehhhh............... I doubt it.



> They want others to join into being hateful so they don't feel alone.


Yes, I'd say that is correct.


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## loving2011

Edit


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## MNiS

@_loving2011_ - She's a survivor of abuse but now she's a part of the abuse problem. That happens often to survivors of abuse. After being abused they become abusive themselves. You should suggest an intervention for her.


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## loving2011

I'm a survivor too. I try not to say those things to people's faces, even though I'm sure I've lashed out before. I work with sexual abuse victims, so i try to give compassion. I don't know why I'm feeling sad. I'm moving back to my hometown to be with my family, so I'm just grieving the loss I had while living in this town. Mnis-I appreciate your response. You guys are great. This a respectful forum for the most part. Other forums can get more gruff


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## MNiS

What was it that you lost while living there, if I may ask?


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## loving2011

I would rather not get into it. Let's just say that life would be more beneficial and higher quality moving back to my hometown. The good news is that it's just a month away. For those that want to venture into a new city where you know nobody, make sure you have a thick skin. I'm an hsp, so I internalize more than I should. I read up on tips of shielding, energy clearing, meditation....gonna go meditate now. Mood swings before your period suck


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## MNiS

loving2011 said:


> I would rather not get into it. Let's just say that life would be more beneficial and higher quality moving back to my hometown. The good news is that it's just a month away. For those that want to venture into a new city where you know nobody, make sure you have a thick skin. I'm an hsp, so I internalize more than I should. I read up on tips of shielding, energy clearing, meditation....gonna go meditate now.


I see.



> Mood swings before your period suck


Oh, I've been around women who had mood swings during their periods. I'm completely used to it and it doesn't bother me.


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