# How do you feel about polyamory? Part 2 of 4



## Staffan (Nov 15, 2011)

How do you feel about trying a polyamorous relationship? And to be specific, I mean one in which your partner has at least one other partner - not you with a harem that are all exclusive to you.


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## Persephone (Nov 14, 2009)

Hm. You might not get enough responses for the poll, and given how many options there are, what little responses will be spread thin enough it becomes impossible to draw any significant conclusion.


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## Staffan (Nov 15, 2011)

Persephone said:


> Hm. You might not get enough responses for the poll, and given how many options there are, what little responses will be spread thin enough it becomes impossible to draw any significant conclusion.


True. And I should have specified what temperaments are in which part of the poll. Only realized that afterwards but it seems you can't edit the headline of a poll for some reason. The polls need more options so that they can include a few answers from all types.


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## Baby Spidey (Jun 4, 2012)

I'd totally be up for it.


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## Bast (Mar 23, 2011)

I voted "not for me". While I think that love between more than two people is probably possible, I don't think it would work out for me. I have enough problems bonding with just one person, and even that seems like a daunting task, so I don't think I could handle trying to connect on such a deep level with multiple people. I'm also selfish, so I would probably end up feeling left out in such a situation, heh. As for other people, I don't care what consenting adults do with each other as long as no one is getting hurt.


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## Sapphyreopal5 (Jun 11, 2012)

Bast said:


> I voted "not for me". While I think that love between more than two people is probably possible, I don't think it would work out for me. I have enough problems bonding with just one person, and even that seems like a daunting task, so I don't think I could handle trying to connect on such a deep level with multiple people. I'm also selfish, so I would probably end up feeling left out in such a situation, heh. As for other people, I don't care what consenting adults do with each other as long as no one is getting hurt.


I'm in the same boat as you. Not to mention I like being the only one romantically involved in someone's life (guess that makes me selfish or possessive, right? nah :happy: ).


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## Staffan (Nov 15, 2011)

Sapphyreopal5 said:


> I'm in the same boat as you. Not to mention I like being the only one romantically involved in someone's life (guess that makes me selfish or possessive, right? nah :happy: ).


I'm selfish like that too. I mean, if the house was on fire which of your partners would you rescue last? I can't see myself having an honest and meaningful relationship with that person.


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## Staffan (Nov 15, 2011)

By the way, if you're not NT here are the other parts of the poll,

SJ - http://personalitycafe.com/member-polls/106217-how-do-you-feel-about-polyamory-part-1-4-a.html

NF - http://personalitycafe.com/member-polls/106222-how-do-you-feel-about-polyamory-part-3-4-a.html

SP - http://personalitycafe.com/member-polls/106223-how-do-you-feel-about-polyamory-part-4-4-a.html


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## Sapphyreopal5 (Jun 11, 2012)

Staffan said:


> I'm selfish like that too. I mean, if the house was on fire which of your partners would you rescue last? I can't see myself having an honest and meaningful relationship with that person.


Not to mention I couldn't respect the other person nearly as much. I mean if some conflict arises, they could just run to the other person for comfort and stuff (and vice versa for that other person). I don't want to compete for my SO's attention with someone else who has their affection too. I shouldn't have to compete for what I already have XD


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## Maximum.ENTP (Jul 31, 2012)

My wife and I are polyamorous, or at least open to adding partners if the right ones come along. The trouble is finding partners that we are happy with. The choices appear to be slim.


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## Kyandigaru (Mar 11, 2012)

oh hell to the naw! Not for me and I have had a guy "try" to talk to me about it. I'm not into sharing my man.


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## Curiously (Nov 7, 2011)

How come NFs aren't part of the poll? I'd like to vote on this one.


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## Sapphyreopal5 (Jun 11, 2012)

SillaSY said:


> How come NFs aren't part of the poll? I'd like to vote on this one.


There's a poll for NFs too


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## INTJellectual (Oct 22, 2011)

I'm an INTJ and I'm open-minded about it.

I'm open to open marriage. I just don't like double-standards. Both parties should agree to the agreement and should be open and honest with each other. And also, both should be willing to try that out. Betrayal of trust is a no no.


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## Kabosu (Mar 31, 2012)

ENTP - maybe, I don't know.
What's important to me if it happens is I think everyone should still be honest to each other about the multiple partners. I sort of think monogamy would work better for me but I wouldn't count against polyamory either.


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## Curiously (Nov 7, 2011)

Sapphyreopal5 said:


> There's a poll for NFs too


Can you provide the link to it? 

Maybe I didn't look hard enough.


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## Shinji Mimura (Aug 1, 2012)

It can be summed-up as such:

If I meet a girl and it is clear that all we can obtain is an open relationship, than we should stay true to that and be poly-amorous. If we feel that we are ready for commitment, then no, it wouldn't be okay.

As a general concept? I'm okay with the thought. I mean, I've have F-buddies, friends with benefits, and a somewhat openish relationship, so I'm not opposed to it.


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## Maximum.ENTP (Jul 31, 2012)

Shinji Mimura said:


> It can be summed-up as such:
> 
> If I meet a girl and it is clear that all we can obtain is an open relationship, than we should stay true to that and be poly-amorous. If we feel that we are ready for commitment, then no, it wouldn't be okay.
> 
> As a general concept? I'm okay with the thought. I mean, I've have F-buddies, friends with benefits, and a somewhat openish relationship, so I'm not opposed to it.


Questions: 

What if you are in a committed relationship, and the both of you decide you would like to see others, but you both also do not want to stop being with each other?

What if from the beginning it is understood that it would be an open relationship, but you both decide that any new sexual partners would be agreed upon by both of you, and that you would all be exclusive to only those partners. (Poly-Fidelity)

And the "Castaway" dilemma:

What if you were in a committed lifelong monogamous relationship for several years (and perhaps even have a child together), and you think your partner has died in a plane crash. A few years later, you establish another committed lifelong monogamous relationship. When your original partner is found and rescued, what is the proper thing to do?


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## FlaviaGemina (May 3, 2012)

INTJ - not for me.
When was younger and not married yet, I thought it sounds like an interesting idea. (e.g. one husband can cook for me and the other can massage my back).
But well.... I saw this documentary about polyamory and it all seems a bit sad and weird really.
There was this older married couple who were looking for another lady to be polyamorous with the husband. So they put an add in the paper and this old lady replied. ... It just doesn't seem very genuine and authentic to me.... I mean, I know how some people can find love through dating adds etc. But this way the whole polyamory thing seems stale and unromantic. 
Then there was this young married couple who had there whole free time planned out with military precision so they could both meet up with their other partners. Basically, the other partners were just people they got to know as friends and each of the couple did all kinds of friend activities with their respective partners, e.g. learning to dance Salsa etc. The sex just seemed a forced add-on, like... "Well, we could do it because we are allowed." But they didn't seem very passionate about it. In fact, they were very awkward when they hugged their other partners. I'm sure the fact that they have to meet up according to a timetable doesn't help. Then they also had all those group sessions were they all discussed who might be jealous of who and how they all feel. *Boring*! I thought these discussions were the bit that most people enjoy least. 
I don't know... I could understand if one or both of the partners fell in love with another person and the other partner said: "It's OK, I'm not jealous. But if you get to sleep with X, then I get to sleep with Y". But this all seemed rather insencere..... 
As an INTJ I've got to say I'm appalled at the amount of planning that went into whole operation. Waste of energy. If they'd used all that brain power to plan something useful, the world would be a better place.


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## Maximum.ENTP (Jul 31, 2012)

FlaviaGemina said:


> INTJ - not for me.
> When was younger and not married yet, I thought it sounds like an interesting idea. (e.g. one husband can book for me and the other can massage my back).
> But well.... I saw this documentary about polyamory and it all seems a bit sad and weird really.
> There was this older married couple who were looking for another lady to be polyamorous with the husband. So they put an add in the paper and this old lady replied. ... It just doesn't seem very genuine and authentic to me.... I mean, I know how some people can find love through dating adds etc. But this way the whole polyamory thing seems stale and unromantic.
> ...


My wife is an INTJ and I can tell you she's had some of the same thoughts. The whole "waste of energy" thing, but more specifically "why screw up something good" were themes that were discussed.

For years it was an academic discussion with no real intention of moving beyond that really. The turning point seemed to be when she came in contact with a man she found both romantically interesting and sexually attractive, and the feelings were mutual. When the benefit became more tangible, and when she realized that it need not mean the destruction of our marriage if she were to pursue it, she began to re-think the idea.

Now that relationship never happened for compatibility and character issues with this guy, but it did serve to start a more meaningful introspective process.

In my experience, INTJ's don't reorganize their internal moral systems easily, or quickly. Those beliefs formed early are particularly entrenched. But once the gerbils start running on the wheel, metaphorically speaking, changes do happen. (albeit slowly, methodically, and without any outward indication that anything is happening at all to the outside observer)

Almost all of my friends (and wife) are INTJs.


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## Maximum.ENTP (Jul 31, 2012)

Ningsta Kitty said:


> in which case, there is a whole culture difference (different mind paradigm) ..


Not that the Muslim paradigm you mentioned is a path I would follow, but you hit the nail on the head with it being an entirely different cultural approach than we are used to. Of course, many criticisms could be made about our socially accepted cultural approach to love and marriage.


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## petite libellule (Jul 4, 2012)

Maximum.ENTP said:


> Not that the Muslim paradigm you mentioned is a path I would follow, but you hit the nail on the head with it being an entirely different cultural approach than we are used to. Of course, many criticisms could be made about our socially accepted cultural approach to love and marriage.


Indeed. and I studied the culture for awhile there. Not that I'm an expert but familiar enough. Often times when people have closed minded views on their justice system, I am the first to play devils advocate and point out concepts in my(western) culture not generally thought of. This is not to say I agree, just that I feel that it is wise to entertain many perspectives before forming an opinion on any subject, much less an entire culture.

I feel it is reasonable however to conclude that on all sides of the globe, there is too much hedonism. So we all end up feeling good, but nobody is happy. These emotional states are different. And people often times have not realized that what might feel good, might not necessarily make them happy. Remedial example: I like sweets. They make me feel good. But if I eat too many sweets, I'm gonna get fat. and I won't be happy


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## Staffan (Nov 15, 2011)

Ningsta Kitty said:


> WOW!!! I LIKE IT!!! This totally had me worried in that, there are so many high school aged people here and it's such a complicated type of relationship. But now that you have those stats ... I dig it. And I so would have thought INFJ would have been higher too. *shrugs*
> 
> roud: Good thread!


Eh...this is a poll. The idea with a poll is to generate stats. If you don't like the idea of that then maybe you're in the wrong thread.


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## petite libellule (Jul 4, 2012)

Staffan said:


> Eh...this is a poll. The idea with a poll is to generate stats. If you don't like the idea of that then maybe you're in the wrong thread.


thanks. you took that compliment so gracefully. I'll keep your phenomenal insight in mind.


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## Staffan (Nov 15, 2011)

Ningsta Kitty said:


> thanks. you took that compliment so gracefully. I'll keep your phenomenal insight in mind.


Maybe I misunderstood you. I really thought your comment sounded very sarcastic. But if it wasn't intended like that then please disregard my reply.


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## petite libellule (Jul 4, 2012)

Staffan said:


> Maybe I misunderstood you. I really thought your comment sounded very sarcastic. But if it wasn't intended like that then please disregard my reply.


no. not at all. although it was a poll, it has room for discussion. It's a controversial subject and I felt it even more so considering some people on the forum are still in high school, (people still trying to figure relationships out, let alone getting exciting about dating 2!) It's my tendency quite literally to be protective. as matter of fact, after I found out my "type", and that it was coupled w/ a "counselor/protector" title, I laughed my bum off! So piece it all together, and you can see it was not a sarcastic comment. But rather one of relief. Like, _"ooooh, now I see where this guys goin" _... I hope you understand now. Now you might see why I'm so surprised as to how the INFJ' *not* being the ones most opposed to it! lol!


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## Staffan (Nov 15, 2011)

Ningsta Kitty said:


> no. not at all. although it was a poll, it has room for discussion. It's a controversial subject and I felt it even more so considering some people on the forum are still in high school, (people still trying to figure relationships out, let alone getting exciting about dating 2!) It's my tendency quite literally to be protective. as matter of fact, after I found out my "type", and that it was coupled w/ a "counselor/protector" title, I laughed my bum off! So piece it all together, and you can see it was not a sarcastic comment. But rather one of relief. Like, _"ooooh, now I see where this guys goin" _... I hope you understand now. Now you might see why I'm so surprised as to how the INFJ' *not* being the ones most opposed to it! lol!


Now I feel really bad for how I responded to your comment. I thought there was something weird about your "sarcasm" but I didn't know how else to interpret it. I should have just asked you what you meant right then instead of jumping to conclusions. I'm really sorry about that.


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## petite libellule (Jul 4, 2012)

Staffan said:


> Now I feel really bad for how I responded to your comment. I thought there was something weird about your "sarcasm" but I didn't know how else to interpret it. I should have just asked you what you meant right then instead of jumping to conclusions. I'm really sorry about that.


) 

the smile on my face right now feels like a hug. So we're all good. Have a lovely weekend!


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