# Healing from a neglectful/bad mother



## D'Annunzio (10 mo ago)

I assume a thread like this already exists, but whatever. I'm a 21 year old male NEET. My dad was almost never around in my childhood because he was always working, and my mother wasn't there too much either for similar reasons. When she was around, she'd act so loving to me, but this mood could change on a dime. She also loved to party and was obsessed with her image and friend group, moreso than being a mother most days. When i was 6 she did drugs and cheated on my dad, beginning a domino affect of terrible things happened before my dad accepted her back. Things were never the same after, and years later when when i was 16 or so, she left again. This time i had to actually kick her out because my dad was too hurt and didn't know what to do. For the rest of highschool i wanted nothing more than to kill her, or find love. I was beginning to see how badly i was affected by all this but it was still so hard to change. My parents are now divorced but my mother still sees me when she comes to see my younger siblings. I'm emotionally distant from my entire family, not even wishing to look at my dad out of fear for some reason, and my mother disgusts me and still sometimes makes me want to lash out just by being around for more than 5 seconds. This course of my life has left me broken, scared, unloved and just overall confused. I'm hoping that somehow here i can gain knowledge on how to truly understand how this all has affected me and how to move on with it. I've always wanted to learn but just never knew how


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## Iced_Mocha (11 mo ago)

No one deserves to have a mother like that, and it may take a while to heal. All of this will emotionally affect you but remember to see light at the end of the tunnel and keep moving on. One day, you will find someone who truly loves you and will help ease your worries. Have the courage to keep going.


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## islandlight (Aug 13, 2013)

Try to avoid people who make you feel bad. Or, if you can’t avoid them, be your best self around them (polite, etc.) and don't get sucked into any drama.

Develop your own interests. It could be anything -- a hobby, a physical activity, learning something new, or improving an existing skill. Even something as simple as going for a long walk every day.

A job or formal education/training might help, if you feel up to it. Maybe start small and regard it as an experiment.

The idea is to have your own things to do and think about, so the bad memories and so on fade into the background. Good luck.


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## islandlight (Aug 13, 2013)

PS. Maybe check out Nar-Anon or similar groups, or ask a doctor or therapist for suggestions.


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## Celtsincloset (Feb 17, 2014)

How frequently does she visit you? Do you wish, perhaps, that you could never see your mother again, once you move away and break contact forevermore? Has she ever apologised to you for what she has done?

And what is it that your scared about? Is it about your mother, or is it about your past?


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## MsMojiMoe (Apr 7, 2021)

My mom was similar in some ways….she cheated on my dad their whole marriage, they had me when they were teens …they divorced when I was almost 3, my mom got us but then at age 5, I was taken from my mom bc she had us in a cult (which not to me but others kids were being abused) , turnEd out my little sis wasn’t even my dads but some guy only my mom knows, my sis still has no idea, my dad had learn one of his kids wasn’t his ( strange it never jaded my dad) …I went to my dads and my sis went to my mom’s parents…my mom is very charming and ppl come up to me all time and say, why aren’t you more like her (if they only knew).

my dad was in the military so I never grew up around my family and any steady upbringing…had a few step moms, 2 were very bad, my dad also pretty much abandon me when I turned 18 to start a new family with his new wife who hated me/all women..so I was not allowed to be apart of their family….I had no networks bc I moved a lot as a child, no college, no support, in the most expense state with nothing.
———————
i was very angry thru out my twenties esp since the only way I had to really survive on my own was to dance in clubs, I was shy too and the only other option was suicide or crime…I hated society with a passion for this, then acting like I’m some low life…, angry at my parents and anyone….for all my displeased with life. Everything feels like lies.

however, i always saw my mom in the summertime, which was a relieve since I had a truly evil step mom…when I got in my teens my MOM told me everything, not my dad..she did and how she made a big mistake and she is sorry…which May be very different in our situations.

i always knew my parents love me in some way…I never doubted that, I have never felt unloved. just indifferent, unheard, unseen.

I’ve always been interested in the unknown ( I thrive in the unknown), self development, and this might sound strange but always got plenty of love from my pets/animals and even earth itself.

can’t trust to be in relationships and plus it’s never been an prior to me…by 30 I let that idea go of finding someone, one of the best decisions in my life…

i now have a fairly good relationship with my parents…it will never be perfect…sometimes I get a little sad that I can’t really talk to my parents about real stuff….but I do have a relationship with them.
—————-

my best advice is to not let anger consumed you, instead let it change you, motivate you. Learn to focus on your abilities not others weaknesses. Learn to realized no one is perfect, including parents…we all have weakness…it does suck when their weakness falls on you, but You decide how to REACT.
like if its bothers you to see your mom when she visits just go for a walk or go to a friends house or just don’t be there. Learn to take care of yourself emotionally and if you need to distant yourself than do that ( try not to burn bridges bc in this life things are always changing, don’t get stuck in on3 type of thinking).

i learn to trust myself not others ( for good or bad)
now I’m 40. And I look back and realize how strong I really was, during the time I felt the weakness. In a world that doesn’t seem to care, all alone. I made it somehow and I’m very proud and it’s something no one can take from me. And overall, I love the person I became, and I became this person bc of my hardships….I’m actually glad I went thru the things I did, even if most nights I cried myself sleep…and in the end I didn’t let anger over take, I didn’t become everything I hated….I wonder now if I would have the compassion and understanding that I do, if I didn’t lived the life I did instead of a more stable/shelter life….I think I would be more judgmental And less passionate, less compassion. I didn’t lose my true self or sanity to a world that feels insane and lost. Like everyone forgot what’s really important.

so you don’t know how this may shape your life in the long run, maybe for awhile it will be bad, but take charge of your emotions and your life…learn to emotionally support yourself, if you can….and independent ( of course, I believe this is hard time for young folks to get on their own, don’t beat yourself up, if it’s takes awhile) it took me awhile but I kept focus on my own character and wasn’t about to let the world turn me into something I hate…someone who doesn’t care….i refuse to let that be the outcome. And it work, for me, but I didn’t see until I got out of my twenties.


Good luck to you


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## D'Annunzio (10 mo ago)

What is nar anonymous?


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## D'Annunzio (10 mo ago)

Celtsincloset said:


> How frequently does she visit you? Do you wish, perhaps, that you could never see your mother again, once you move away and break contact forevermore? Has she ever apologised to you for what she has done?
> 
> And what is it that your scared about? Is it about your mother, or is it about your past?


1. She gets to visit my youngest siblings every once in a while, and she brings them to my grandma's from school every day. I'm not always at my grandma's but when i am and my mom comes by i just go for a walk or sit outside somewhere i know she won't find me. 
2. Absolutely. I don't want her in my life at all, and I wish she'd suffer what i went through. I know i should probably just let go, as revenge won't help me in the end, but i can't get rid of this desire thus far. It still burns bright in me every time i even smell her perfume. My friends and family never see this hateful side in me unless she's involved. I just wish she could be punished for what she's done. She deserves it
3. Of course not. To her, it's never her fault. There's always an excuse. Always. Every single time. She'll kiss me and hug me and tell me she loves me over and over but she'll never apologize. 
4. I'm scared of life. My parents never took me by the hand and taught me anything. I never was able to really grow as a person with their guidance, as they never guided me through anything. They put a roof over my head, gave me food and water, and that's basically all she wrote, as though that's all it takes to be a real parent. Now i have extreme social anxiety to the point that i don't wanna go out in public alone sometimes, especially to new places, and I'm always worried I'll somehow be judged or looked down upon for any mistake i may make. It's like im a pathetic scared kid in a 21 year old's body and i just don't know what to do. I want to change for the better but i don't know how. Everything that's so normal to many is such a daunting task to me, and I'm 100% sure it's because i never had any family to guide me or fall back on when i failed


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## Celtsincloset (Feb 17, 2014)

You're 21 years old, back then I thought I knew what my parents did for me, but I didn't. It's easy to see where they failed (especially when you're very different to them), but I understand that what your mother did was also very damaging, and she still hasn't asked for forgiveness or tried to do something to rectify her mistake, for you her son. But has the dialogue ever been opened up? Have you really ever gotten to know your mother's PoV on this? And this is not just for you, but also for her. She loves you, but you hate her, obviously that's going to affect her, needless to say you're her son, so having a deeper dialogue might help _her _as much as you. 

If you can't be around her, don't feel you have to be (it's all on her), and sooner or later you'll fly off, and your mother won't be able to see you and you get what you wish for, because she loves you and it would hurt her not to be able to see you again. But you'll also learn that it doesn't feel right, after all this.


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## D'Annunzio (10 mo ago)

Celtsincloset said:


> You're 21 years old, back then I thought I knew what my parents did for me, but I didn't. It's easy to see where they failed (especially when you're very different to them), but I understand that what your mother did was also very damaging, and she still hasn't asked for forgiveness or tried to do something to rectify her mistake, for you her son. But has the dialogue ever been opened up? Have you really ever gotten to know your mother's PoV on this? And this is not just for you, but also for her. She loves you, but you hate her, obviously that's going to affect her, needless to say you're her son, so having a deeper dialogue might help _her _as much as you.
> 
> If you can't be around her, don't feel you have to be (it's all on her), and sooner or later you'll fly off, and your mother won't be able to see you and you get what you wish for, because she loves you and it would hurt her not to be able to see you again. But you'll also learn that it doesn't feel right, after all this.


1. No 
2. No and i don't really care
3. She doesn't love me. I was an object to her. She could go and drink and cheat on my dad and feel better about herself by posting me in Facebook and saying she loved me. As long as she kept a facade going she could pretend to he a good person. She doesn't deserve forgiveness as of now. Even if she got on her knees and sobbed for forgiveness i wouldn't feel anything for her, or really want to. I just want her to be gone. She doesn't deserve eternal torment. She's not the devil incarnate. But i no longer see her as my true mother. Thanks to her I'll never know what it's like to have one, no matter how fucking badly i want a mom...


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## islandlight (Aug 13, 2013)

Nar-Anon is for people who have been affected by someone else's addiction.




__





What's Nar-Anon? — Nar-Anon Family Groups







www.nar-anon.org





There might be other resources for you, but that's the only one I can think of. I wish you luck.


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## Celtsincloset (Feb 17, 2014)

D'Annunzio said:


> 1. No
> 2. No and i don't really care


She hurt you that badly. That's fair, but mate I think this is the gate. It's lock shut, it's overgrown with weeds making it harder to open. It's everything that happened, and all those past feelings you held onto. Maybe it can't be opened now, or the next few years, but as you grow older, wiser, _stronger_, maybe it'll become an option for you, opening it, and you may find your healing, and peace there. But also time is finite, and the option won't always be there for you. (Like it isn't for me.)


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## lecomte (May 20, 2014)

Hi

I have a lot of things to blame on my mother also.
I think society have to let go this argument that every parents is helpful to their children equally.
I think in general people says that parents arent perfect but at the same people also rush to give their parent reasons for their wrongdoings. Which is the last things people should do because I think their hide their own wrongdoings behind the "reasons" they gave to their parents. And so the cycle continues.


Also a Mum that do drugs and one that is just cheating cannot be compared because alcoholism and drugs can be more traumatizing in general. When we talk about parents neglect there is not a scale of suffering everyone is supposed to be equal.

I think we had to get rid of this reflex of culpability 
"But it is your mother!"
Or "when I was your age I thank the same You will see"
When it is not "They could die you have to forgive. You will play it"

I find it to be very insulting. I Always have to justify what I want from my psychologist because they have this reflex which I find very annoying or 

Each person have their story about their parent everyone is different everyone should respect it I think 

The real question I think you should ask yourself is this. 

Who is touched by your anger? it is your mom or is it you? Who is incapacitated to behave in society? 
I think it is you ans I think you should work on your fears and trauma. You will have a clearer idea what you are and I think you will cease to suffer


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