# Am I being Irrational?



## HollyGolightly (Aug 8, 2009)

My best friend is still friends with they guy who sexually harrassed me. I'm okay with her being friends with people I'm not friends with, I don't own her and I'm not like that. But I went on her facebook profile and saw her talking to him. Now I'm taking this guy to court and everything and he was really cruel to me, to the pont where I had to leave school. Well I saw the comments, they aren't about me they are just saying how much they miss each other and stuff and it broke my heart. I really cried. But now I feel I'm being out of order...yet if a guy had hurt her in a sexual way I wouldn't talk to him.
I've confided in my friend about stuff and I trusted her. I feel as if she has abused my trust. I told her tha t Iwas moving out the area to get away from this guy. I thought I could trust her. She lives in Germany so she doesn't see him so I thought it would be okay. Plus she is my best friend. But I saw her talking to him, they were all over each other to the point where it was sickly sweet. So I'm so worried that she would have told him or told people that can get the message back to him somehow and that he will find me. I've moved really far away to get away from him, I've given up everything and now I'm worried that it was a waste.

I feel betrayed but I don't know whether I should. I have a complex about overreacting.


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## red riding hood (Aug 10, 2009)

Ok this is just me, but I do not think you are over reacting, how could anyone who cares for you be friendly with someone who treated you like that? Lord have mercy sweet heart with friends like that you don’t need enemies. No way would I want to be even associated with someone who behaved as he did toward you, even if I were not your friend. She is not right in many many ways. Seems to me there are a couple possibilities here… one is that she does not believe he sexually harassed you… two is that she does not care if he did.. or three she has some kind of sick attraction to sicko guys… either way you are better off not having a close relationship with some one who has any of those above three issues.. I am sure there are probably other possibilities I don’t see… but in short I don’t think you are out of line for being upset…. If that boy were around me I would pull out his tongue to wipe my feet on after getting back from the barn every morning, I sure would not want to be friends with him, much less sickeningly sweet… shoot this makes me mad, and I am not even you. I am so sorry honey you deserve better than that… I wish I could hug you little one.


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## Kevinaswell (May 6, 2009)

1. Fuck that friend. Really. Well, not sexually. Just figuratively. You have no business with that. Which sucks cuz she's a good friend of yours. But really? It's not irrational at all to be hurt when a close friend of yours blatantly disregards a traumatic event in your life and isn't supportive in the way you want. Especially if she isn't dating him....is she? Did I miss that? Regardless, it's a pretty shit move on her part and I wish she'd rethink her standing.

2. I'll woop his fucking ass.


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## Selene (Aug 2, 2009)

HollyGolightly said:


> My best friend is still friends with they guy who sexually harrassed me. I'm okay with her being friends with people I'm not friends with, I don't own her and I'm not like that. But I went on her facebook profile and saw her talking to him. Now I'm taking this guy to court and everything and he was really cruel to me, to the pont where I had to leave school. Well I saw the comments, they aren't about me they are just saying how much they miss each other and stuff and it broke my heart. I really cried. But now I feel I'm being out of order...yet if a guy had hurt her in a sexual way I wouldn't talk to him.
> I've confided in my friend about stuff and I trusted her. I feel as if she has abused my trust. I told her tha t Iwas moving out the area to get away from this guy. I thought I could trust her. She lives in Germany so she doesn't see him so I thought it would be okay. Plus she is my best friend. But I saw her talking to him, they were all over each other to the point where it was sickly sweet. So I'm so worried that she would have told him or told people that can get the message back to him somehow and that he will find me. I've moved really far away to get away from him, I've given up everything and now I'm worried that it was a waste.
> 
> I feel betrayed but I don't know whether I should. I have a complex about overreacting.


Eh...I feel like the first thing is to make sure that she doesn't tell this guy where you are. So, if you think her friendship with him is going to threaten your safety (after everything you sacrificed to get away) that seems like the first order of business. If you're worried, then make sure that she doesn't share your location. And if she thinks you're paranoid or exaggerating, it doesn't matter so long as you're safe.

As for feeling betrayed...I feel like it's very understandable. I would be pretty upset in your situation. This person did so much harm, and yet your best friend is sort of taking it really lightly and not being very sensitive to your feelings or experiences. Because I guess if she was, if she was in tune with your perspective and really cared...she wouldn't have anything to do with him? At least, if things were flipped, that's how you would feel. You wouldn't be gushing over someone who sexually harassed your best friend. What happened is a really big deal to you because it caused you a lot of suffering (and still does), and yet she doesn't seem to respect that at all. She's sort of on his side now, after you thought she was able to understand where you were coming from.

Is it irrational? Maybe, but that doesn't change the fact that right now, this is how you honestly feel about the situation.


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## HollyGolightly (Aug 8, 2009)

I have spoken to her and she says that she hasn't told anyone and she never would. But the m ain thing I was upset about was the disloyalty. I understand that no everyone is like me, but I wouldn't do that. 
They are not dating by the way, they were just being over friendly. He commented on her profile first so I think he was just trying to upset me because he knows I will see it. You see, he can't get to me because I blockedhim form everyhting and his bail conditions forbid him from having any contact with me...so I think that was just his way of letting me know he's still around. 
I don't know how I feel about this. As a child I had a lot of "fire" and when I thought something was wrong I would bloody speak up. But I got told to shut up and that I was wrong and making things up. Sadly I feel that way now. I spoke up about the sexual harrassment and it just seems to have caused trouble - it almost ruined my life - so I'm worried about approaching my friend about the issue.
Some kids were mean to her because she is German...and the English and the Germans aren't meant to get on because of the war bla bla bla...she wasn't bothered by their racism, she often just brushes things off, but what they did was wrong and I wouldn't be all over friendly with them. If someone is cruel to my friend I lose respect for them. 

I don't know what or how to feel.


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## ginz (Sep 30, 2009)

feel like you want to. It's only fair imo.


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## Irulan (Aug 14, 2009)

I definitely think your friend is wrong here, but I wonder a couple of things.

First I wonder if maybe she just really doesn't know how to respond to this guy who harassed you. Maybe she's confused and doesn't know how to tell him to go away...??? But at the same time, I trust your judgment. If she was going overboard with the sweetness then this is definitely not the case.

Second I wonder how charismatic he is. I mean, your friend would have to have a really weak mind to not see through that, but some people do have really weak minds. 

I don't know. I have a bad tendency to play devil's advocate at times. I would most certainly be hurt if I were in your position. There's something screwy about the whole thing. :sad:


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## PeacePassion (Jun 9, 2009)

Selene said:


> Eh...I feel like the first thing is to make sure that she doesn't tell this guy where you are. So, if you think her friendship with him is going to threaten your safety (after everything you sacrificed to get away) that seems like the first order of business. If you're worried, then make sure that she doesn't share your location. And if she thinks you're paranoid or exaggerating, it doesn't matter so long as you're safe.
> 
> 
> > This is a really good point, no matter how much your friend assures you of not saying anything, people like this are master manipulators. And IMO if she doesn't have the mind to not be friendly with this guy, not to mention OVERLY friendly, she doesn't have the mind to keep what needs to be kept private, private. Not to scare you or anything, I mean, it's just important to be cautious.
> ...


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## HollyGolightly (Aug 8, 2009)

He is very charismatic and manipulative. But she hated him from the word go anyway she saw right through him. And then she found out what he had been doing to me and she really hated him. I didn't sway her opinion, I told her she can be friends with who she wants and that I didn't want to make life hard for her but she said she didn't like him and that I was her friend.
And all of a sudden that happens. All he said was Hi (her name) and stuff like that and she was all like "Oh I've missed you we haven't spoken in so long.."
I felt rather crushed.


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## ginz (Sep 30, 2009)

she could be sacarstic, but i'm willing to see from your p.o.v. 'd probably go kaboon myself if i see such a comment from my friend with regards to someone who did harm to me.


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## HollyGolightly (Aug 8, 2009)

No it wasn't sarcastic. It was heart felt. I don't really know why she did it. If it was somebody I'd just fallen out with I wouldn't be bothered...but he really hurt me...the police are involved and everything. He was violent as well as sexually abusive. I don't understand why she has done this.


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## PeacePassion (Jun 9, 2009)

HollyGolightly said:


> He is very charismatic and manipulative. But she hated him from the word go anyway she saw right through him. And then she found out what he had been doing to me and she really hated him. I didn't sway her opinion, I told her she can be friends with who she wants and that I didn't want to make life hard for her but she said she didn't like him and that I was her friend.
> And all of a sudden that happens. All he said was Hi (her name) and stuff like that and she was all like "Oh I've missed you we haven't spoken in so long.."
> I felt rather crushed.


Would you feel comfortable bringing up the subject with her? Maybe she didn't know how to act when confronted by him, even though that seems like a lame sort of excuse for her. 

Again, I think your feelings here are totally justified and if you feel comfortable with speaking to her about it maybe it would be a good idea. Not so much to give her a chance to explain or excuse it, but to make it clear to her that that's really unacceptable and disturbing. I don't know how comfortable you are with confrontation, if I was in your position that would be hard for me to do myself for sure.


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## HollyGolightly (Aug 8, 2009)

He initiated the convo. And it was only on facebook, she could have just ignored the comment or deleted it. She must have known that it would upset me.
I asked her not to tell anyone about it a couple of minutes ago and she said she wouldn't because she doesn't have contact with him or anybody attached to him. 
I don't know. I don't see the point of raising the issue with her. What's done is done...and I'm starting a new life now so I suppose I'll just have to put it down to experience.
I'm a bit crushed though. I have rigid ideas on loyalty. I'm fiercely loyal to someone I love, but it's like no one has got my back.
*Sigh*
I'll just continue with my random acts of kindess until someone appreciates it and gives me the same back...


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## Fanille (Sep 3, 2009)

Your reaction to the situation doesn't sound rational to me, but I can't stop you from feeling the way you do. After all, what that man did to you isn't justified under any circumstances.

She probably doesn't realize that what she's doing is hurting you. The indirect effects of one's actions on others can be a "blind spot" for many people. I don't know any of the people involved so I'm not going to make any character judgments, but this "blind spot" thing is something to keep in mind.


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## HollyGolightly (Aug 8, 2009)

I haven't really reacted, I just feel hurt. Is it irrational that I feel hurt by this?


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## InvisibleJim (Jun 30, 2009)

HollyGolightly said:


> I haven't really reacted, I just feel hurt. Is it irrational that I feel hurt by this?


INTJ points -> No! Not irrational at all!


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## snail (Oct 13, 2008)

I'd be upset too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HollyGolightly (Aug 8, 2009)

I've thought about it and I should have gone with the first feeling I had...which was that it was wrong. I wouldn't do that to her so...
Thank you everyone


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## Selden (May 24, 2009)

HollyGolightly said:


> My best friend is still friends with they guy who sexually harrassed me. I'm okay with her being friends with people I'm not friends with, I don't own her and I'm not like that. But I went on her facebook profile and saw her talking to him. Now I'm taking this guy to court and everything and he was really cruel to me, to the point where I had to leave school. Well I saw the comments, they aren't about me they are just saying how much they miss each other and stuff and it broke my heart. I really cried. But now I feel I'm being out of order...yet if a guy had hurt her in a sexual way I wouldn't talk to him.
> I've confided in my friend about stuff and I trusted her. I feel as if she has abused my trust. I told her tha t Iwas moving out the area to get away from this guy. I thought I could trust her. She lives in Germany so she doesn't see him so I thought it would be okay. Plus she is my best friend. But I saw her talking to him, they were all over each other to the point where it was sickly sweet. So I'm so worried that she would have told him or told people that can get the message back to him somehow and that he will find me. I've moved really far away to get away from him, I've given up everything and now I'm worried that it was a waste.
> 
> I feel betrayed but I don't know whether I should. I have a complex about overreacting.


No, it's not a overreaction from what I see. You're at a stressful point in your life and you need support where it wasn't there. This isn't like someone not wanting there ex going out with a friend, this is completely different and you have the right to feel the way you feel. You should tell her that her being friends with him is making you upset and why (if you haven't already). At that point, it's all up to her. She might be blindly head over heels with him but it will have to come to a point where she has to ask if it's really worth it. I don't know you IRL but you seem like a very logical and rational girl. If you went as far as to go to court (you don't seem like the lawsuit happy person IMHO), then it says something about the guy. Like I said, talk to her and hopefully she'll change or at least keep you into her considerations with her actions. But whatever happens, keep your head up and don't let it get to you into thinking you're wrong.


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## HollyGolightly (Aug 8, 2009)

Selden said:


> No, it's not a overreaction from what I see. You're at a stressful point in your life and you need support where it wasn't there. This isn't like someone not wanting there ex going out with a friend, this is completely different and you have the right to feel the way you feel. You should tell her that her being friends with him is making you upset and why (if you haven't already). At that point, it's all up to her. She might be blindly head over heels with him but it will have to come to a point where she has to ask if it's really worth it. I don't know you IRL but you seem like a very logical and rational girl. If you went as far as to go to court (you don't seem like the lawsuit happy person IMHO), then it says something about the guy. Like I said, talk to her and hopefully she'll change or at least keep you into her considerations with her actions. But whatever happens, keep your head up and don't let it get to you into thinking you're wrong.


I constantly question myself...and my intuition. It's the way I've been brought up. Gotta snap out of it. I've thought about it and it's was so obvious that she was in the worng. I think it's because it's just easier to blame myself and see the good in everyone else. Must stop that *smacks self*


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## Selden (May 24, 2009)

Mutatio NOmenis said:


> However, you can't just fire your laser off without provocation. Only strike if she really becomes his friend.



SHOOP DA WHOOP!!!


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