# Extroverts ask introverts



## shakti (Oct 10, 2012)

Introverts, how do you express affection towards loved ones? Do you think verbally expressing your love frequently somehow devalues the sentiment, and prefer to "speak" through quiet deeds? :happy:


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## Trinidad (Apr 16, 2010)

shakti said:


> Introverts, how do you express affection towards loved ones? Do you think verbally expressing your love frequently somehow devalues the sentiment, and prefer to "speak" through quiet deeds? :happy:


I think this has more to do with Love Languages than with the E/I divide. Frequent verbal affirmation like you describe makes me very uncomfortable, I prefer 'show, don't tell'. Quality Time is my favourite LL by far. My friends and loved ones know I care because I keep my promises and am there for them whenever they need me.


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## soppixo (Jun 29, 2011)

shakti said:


> Introverts, how do you express affection towards loved ones? Do you think verbally expressing your love frequently somehow devalues the sentiment, and prefer to "speak" through quiet deeds? :happy:


I probably haven't said "I love you" in years... I'll say "I'll always believe in you" "I'll always be your friend" "You're the best" but nope, no love, like or any sort of emotional/sentimental declarations. 

I hug my dad about once a year. There was a period of my life where I hated being hugged or touched, made me feel weird and uncomfortable. Still do actually, but I know the importance of showing my feelings through physical or verbal means- and I don't really do either properly ha ha ha...

Somehow though, this weird rule of mine only applies to humans but not animals. I pretty much love smothering my dogs, I smooch them and become disgustingly mushy with them- till the point that I actually feel a little dirty afterwards.

For humans, I show my love by being there for them when they need me. By listening to them when they need someone to spill their worries to. By not judging them (GNNNHHHH I WILL TRY) or trying to fix things for them (GAAAHH TORTURE) when all they want is someone to believe in them and be by their side.

You know an ISTP is very very fond of you when they are willing to put aside their independence, their criticisms, and their no-touching rule to give you a cuddle. Just one cuddle. Thats a singular cuddle no more than that.


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## Watch Key Phone (Mar 29, 2013)

shakti said:


> Introverts, how do you express affection towards loved ones? Do you think verbally expressing your love frequently somehow devalues the sentiment, and prefer to "speak" through quiet deeds? :happy:


It's not so much that it devalues the sentiment, it's just that I find it difficult. And I'm not that big on physical/sensory affection either. I pretty much agree with @Trinidad. If I care about people I will make sure to always be honest and reliable - that's what I want from them in return, not tokens or verbal expressions.


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## Aelthwyn (Oct 27, 2010)

BlueSeven said:


> Do you actually like Extroverts, or do you prefer the company of introverts?


there are certainly extroverts I like, I just seem to attract introverted friends more often, and I usually feel more comfortable with introverts. It seems like I can handle groups of introverts a lot better, but with extroverts I tend to especially need our time to be one-on-one so I don't just end up standing back and not really connecting. For me it's usually not a case of 'disliking' extroverts, it's just having difficulty actually connecting and getting to know them even if I want to, and occasionally an issue of getting worne out/overwhelmed too quickly.



opeth98 said:


> How many hours per day do you guys need alone time? I know it would depend on a situation, but say just an average day: school or work. Do you come home to recharge for a few hours, then are you good? Also, how do you recharge?


hmm.... this kind of depends on how draining the day was, but usually while I was working or in school I would avoid going out anywhere afterwards, and I didn't do much on weekends either. One social thing a week can feel like too much, more like every other week or once a month would probably be more normal for me. By social thing I mean spending at a couple of hours (or more) talking in person with friends. I enjoy chatting online to my best friend off and on all evening every day, but that's just typing which is less draining, and it's not being constantly and immediately engaged, and it's not worrying about what facial expression I have or whatever. Really, my default is spending time alone doing my own things, and then I think of social time in terms of 'how long can I endure?' There have been times in life where I've had more interaction than I do now, and I acclimated to it and didn't particularly require a ton more alone time. I'm terrible at estimating time, so I won't try to tell you how many hours. 

For me, recharging usually involves a little while of just sort of spacing out and settling into the comfort of home again, getting a cup of tea, getting comfortable behind closed doors, maybe taking a shower, checking my email and other basic things. Sometimes to relax I'll look through art books or other pretty pictures and listen to music. When I had a piano I'd play that, somtimes for hours. But to really feel recharged I also need to spend time thinking about ideas or doing something creative. Reading is good, writing out thoughts or writing stories, working on craft projects or taking photos/playing with photoshop. That's what really makes me feel fullfilled and energized. I need mental/creative stimulation which usually doesn't really happen when other people are around because I can't focus enough. People can be good for sparking ideas and 'brainstorming' with, but then I have to spend time really focusing on those ideas Alone without external distractions. I don't necessarily have to be behind closed doors to focus, but I do need to not feel the imminent 'threat' of being interrupted by someone. If someone else is in the same room but engrossed in their own little world as well, then I can usually focus and feel alone myself, but I do need _some_ time completely alone. This is part of why I stay up late. I've always _needed_ to be the last person awake in the house so I can just...... sort of settle, it's like a mental/spiritual thing I guess, I don't know. I can't really fall asleep well unless the house is still, everyone is asleep, and I can have my quiet bedtime snack by a dim light. Thffough nowadays I go to bed after dawn and enjoy the entire night by myself - it's great! 



Moop said:


> Is it annoying when an extrovert shows up out of nowhere (like you've only had 2-3 conversations beforehand and rather superficial ones) and starts asking you for your story? Is that unnerving for you?


Usually people I don't know well talking to me is annoying no matter what they try to talk about. Often I was busy thinking about something else that matters to me, and talking to some random person just feels like a waste of time, and like they don't respect that I have my own life, like I'm supposed to entertain them. 

If they just ask me a bunch of questions but don't mutually share about themselves then I get defensive, it just seems rude. If they actually seem interested in getting to know me and letting me get to know them, then usually I'm okay with opening up - as you said it can be better than going through boring small talk about weather anyway. It is pretty annoying when it feels like they're just talking for the sake of talking though, not because they have any real interest in developing a deeper relationship. 



shakti said:


> Introverts, how do you express affection towards loved ones? Do you think verbally expressing your love frequently somehow devalues the sentiment, and prefer to "speak" through quiet deeds? :happy:


I'm super affectionate. I do like to frequently say 'I love you' along with other compliments and things like 'you're the best!' to show I value someone. I don't feel like it 'cheapens' it because I say it a lot, - it's just as true every time after all. I also tend to touch people a lot, hugs, linking arms, leaning on them, back rubs, etc. While I do verbally say I love you a lot, I will also substitute it with simple touches a lot of times and just enjoy being quiet together. Also, when I'm having alone time at home and someone else is in another room I will occasionally get up and go over there and just give them a little hug or kiss on the head or something, especially if I happen to pass by them on the way to the kitchen or something like that. And even if I'm absorbed in my own thoughts, or a book, or something on my computer, I enjoy sitting right next to someone I care about while doing that, just _being_ together, feeling them beside me even if we're not talking.


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## Loupgaroux (Mar 9, 2013)

shakti said:


> Introverts, how do you express affection towards loved ones? Do you think verbally expressing your love frequently somehow devalues the sentiment, and prefer to "speak" through quiet deeds? :happy:


Speak through quiet deeds, I don't like expressing things directly. Unless, it's a serious situation & someone really needs an I love you.
Not to say that I don't show any affection when one is not in dire straits, just not with words.


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## Quernus (Dec 8, 2011)

Cher_to_the_Z said:


> How many of you keep a journal or diary?
> 
> I've always thought introverts might be great at writing down their thoughts, or acknowledging the details of their lives.


I keep a journal but I don't really write down the ~details of my life~. That is to say, I don't document my daily activities or whatever. I'd just bore myself that way. I write down my thoughts and feelings sometimes, though. This can be therapeutic, or a strategy to organize my chaotic mind and work out solutions to conflict. 

I don't really see my introversion as affecting this too much. If anything, I'm probably I'm using my Te when I do this (even though it is my inferior function). I have a hard time seeing a Ti-dom person using a journal in the same way I do, lol.


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## Quernus (Dec 8, 2011)

Peripatetic said:


> To what extent and in what way does your happiness depend on other people? How necessary are they? Is physical proximity sufficient or do you need at least some emotional connection or intimacy? With 1, 2, 3, many people?


I am INCREDIBLY aloof and require more alone time than even most introverts, I think (this may partially be because of my depression though). However, without some emotional intimacy, I would be incredibly unhappy. I need to at least have a few people I feel close to. Physical proximity isn't sufficient, and in fact without emotional connection or intimacy it's just a hindrance. I like to be able to check in through like... text, on a fairly regular basis. And plan my in-person interactions very carefully - my energy gets eaten up pretty fast.


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

Even though I am borderline extrovert, I'm going to answer. I might be an extrovert, IDK. 



Cher_to_the_Z said:


> How many of you keep a journal or diary?
> 
> I've always thought introverts might be great at writing down their thoughts, or acknowledging the details of their lives.


 I used to keep a dream journal as well as a general journal. In the general journal I would write my thoughts, fictional stories, and also document for consciousness exercises (like where I tried to connect with something beyond my consciousness--subconscious or whatever is above consciousness). I haven't done this for a while (which might be why perC is so plagued by my seeming journal entries).



Peripatetic said:


> To what extent and in what way does your happiness depend on other people? How necessary are they? Is physical proximity sufficient or do you need at least some emotional connection or intimacy? With 1, 2, 3, many people?


 I am not happy without other people. They give me perspective on things, and i really need that. Strangely, I can be happy with emotional connection even if someone isn't in physical proximity (in fact, sometimes it makes me more happy). I mean, I can imagine that there is someone, somewhere in the world who I might feel emotional and intellectual compatibility with, and even if it will never be so, I still feel better than I would feel with a lesser connection with someone who's physically present. The person can even be dead--like a late author. 


Meritocrat said:


> Dear introverts,
> 
> What do you do to cope when struggling to get a word in edgewise at a table of extroverts?


 I just sit quietly, and when I can find a time to talk to someone one-on-one I try to. Sometimes I will try to interject in a group conversation, but I often have to become louder than I want, and I don't really like it unless the group really cares. I just kind of let it roll of my shoulders though, and don't take it personally.



BlueSeven said:


> What do you wish to develop?


 Lots of things. I would like to develop my artistic ability. I would also like to develop an awareness of what drives me forward.



BlueSeven said:


> Do you actually like Extroverts, or do you prefer the company of introverts?


I like both. Introverts are kind of fun because I can discover more of them. Extroverts are nice because they tend to be comfortable.



shakti said:


> Introverts, how do you express affection towards loved ones? Do you think verbally expressing your love frequently somehow devalues the sentiment, and prefer to "speak" through quiet deeds? :happy:


I verbally express myself--I find it easier to write than say, actually. I do not have issue with frequent expressions--but there has to be an understanding about them. I do not speak through quiet deeds--those just represent who I am or what I feel at that time. I will speak by doing something special that has a lot of thought put into it.


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## Quernus (Dec 8, 2011)

Meritocrat said:


> Dear introverts,
> 
> What do you do to cope when struggling to get a word in edgewise at a table of extroverts?


Well, first of all, you are assuming that I'd usually WANT to get a word in  

I don't find myself at too many tables full of extroverts. If I am, it's usually begrudgingly or out of obligation. In fact I have a really hard time ever picturing myself going to sit down with a group of extroverts! If they join ME, well, after a certain point I just feel kinda crowded and will get up to leave when I can do so politely enough.

If I do have something I want to say? I'll usually wait until I can make some sort of joke. Or I'll turn and talk to the person next to me instead... lol... on topic, but away from the center of attention.

I have a lot of extroverts in my dad's side of the family. I remember holiday dinners, as a child, sitting around while everyone talked and talked and talked. I would just pretend to listen. I figured it was because I was a child that I couldn't participate, and that things would have to change when I grew up. Nope. Still just pretend to listen most of the time...


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## Quernus (Dec 8, 2011)

BlueSeven said:


> Do you actually like Extroverts, or do you prefer the company of introverts?


Oh, I like extroverts well enough! But I do better with them one-on-one, just as with other introverts (though I am better at interacting within a group of introverts than within a group of extroverts). I love people who can get me out of my shell! On the other hand I'm always worried that I'm going to bore them or push them away eventually, by being aloof...


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## Dragearen (Feb 2, 2012)

Peripatetic said:


> To what extent and in what way does your happiness depend on other people? How necessary are they? Is physical proximity sufficient or do you need at least some emotional connection or intimacy? With 1, 2, 3, many people?


I do like being around people, and I do start getting rather bored if I'm not around people for too long, though it takes me quite a while to reach that point. I have a love/hate relationship with being very physical with people (I have a very definite concept of personal space), but I absolutely need an emotional connection. If there is no connection and rapport, then it's just a drain to me and I have no desire to be with that person. Generally I prefer one-on-one interactions to groups, so just a few people at a time is best.



Meritocrat said:


> Dear introverts,
> 
> What do you do to cope when struggling to get a word in edgewise at a table of extroverts?


If I can't find a gap in which to say something, then I probably won't say anything. I observe a lot, and that's what I do when there's no opportunity for interaction.



Cher_to_the_Z said:


> How many of you keep a journal or diary?
> 
> I've always thought introverts might be great at writing down their thoughts, or acknowledging the details of their lives.


I have tried in the past, but I have never been able to keep up very well with it.



BlueSeven said:


> Do you actually like Extroverts, or do you prefer the company of introverts?


I prefer introverts. Don't get me wrong, I like extroverts, but I tire of them quickly and it's harder for me to establish an emotional connection. Let me clarify the first statement though. I prefer introverts who can communicate clearly.



opeth98 said:


> This has probably been asked loads before, but nonetheless;
> 
> How many hours per day do you guys need alone time? I know it would depend on a situation, but say just an average day: school or work. Do you come home to recharge for a few hours, then are you good?
> 
> Also, how do you recharge?


Quite a bit. After a large amount of social exertion, it takes me probably a full day or more to recover fully. As to how I recharge, usually by going braindead at my computer, or having intellectual discussions.



Moop said:


> Is it annoying when an extrovert shows up out of nowhere (like you've only had 2-3 conversations beforehand and rather superficial ones) and starts asking you for your story?
> I get so sick of "How's the weather," that I start asking whatever comes to my head. What career/major they are...what made them pick it...how did they get where they are today...and then disappear after I ask them my questions.
> Is that unnerving for you?


I think the questions themselves would be a pleasant surprise, and a nice change of pace from the norm. However, I don't really like when people disappear after asking questions like that. It makes me feel very conflicted and confused on how they feel about me.



shakti said:


> Introverts, how do you express affection towards loved ones? Do you think verbally expressing your love frequently somehow devalues the sentiment, and prefer to "speak" through quiet deeds? :happy:


Let me put it this way. I could probably count on my fingers how many times I have said "I love you" to someone. I prefer to communicate it through two things; simply having a presence, I like to be around the people I like, and favors. I like when people I like do favors for me and vice versa.


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## BlueSeven (Nov 19, 2012)

daringcherry said:


> I like extroverts! I think that introversion/extroversion is one of the least significant personality dimensions, it's only obvious on the surface but once you get to the deeper stuff, someone's level of extroversion is really not that important. I personally get along with balanced introverts and extroverts the best - people who are not so extroverted that they smother introverts, yet not so introverted that it's difficult to get a word or an opinion out of them. People who are capable of listening and staying calm but can also become bubbly and excited when there's something interesting to do or discuss.


That is definitely very perceptive  Thank you! 
It does seem that those who aren't completely out of the world, or completely in it are the best sometimes 



soppixo said:


> So far the majority of extroverts I know are ESFxs. I generally do better with P's over J's. I tend to connect with my Se or Fe but I haven't met much extroverted intuitives though, hmm...


Have you connected with people with Shadow functions? Like ENFP, or is this not something that seems compatible?





soppixo said:


> Yeah, sometimes my Fe just wants to reach out but then I panic and start babbling nonsense. I probably should learn how to pause for longer before opening my mouth- collect my thoughts instead of spilling them out in a jumble. I'm aware that I often make myself anxious over small bumps but the good thing about Se-aux is that I usually forget about feeling anxious after an hour ha...ha...ha...


This is lovely  Don't be ashamed about your babbling Fe! I think that the combination of Se-Fe may contribute to the babbling, I have found that Ti and Ni causes a sort of rambling nature to the things I'm conversing about, to the point where I sometimes personally think 'They're so bored'.



FlaviaGemina said:


> Depends on the individual and on how much self-awareness they've got, how much effort they make to get to know me and how they relate to their own extraversion.
> 
> My best friend is an ESFJ. When she gets bored or lonely, she openly says "Bohooo, nobody is here to entertain me." I appreciate that kind of honesty, because she doesn't say "I'm such a good person because I'm interested in people". Some extraverts (and also many introverts!) act like they are all altruistic and do people a favour by forcing conversations on them.


That's awful, forcing conversations on people isn't very, conductive to their needs at all, it's sort of selfish. 




Oracle86 said:


> It REALLY depends on the person, and where they fall on that I/E spectrum. I'm almost SMACK in the middle, so I'm only 1% Introverted... I'm usually fine in Social situations, and generally only need to recharge after an event of some kind. As far as a significant other, I'm INFJ so I'm actually pretty much stuck up my partners ass all the time. (jk) But I don't need a LOT of time away from the select few that I'm closest to...


That's very true. Extroversion and Introversion are incredibly subjective values, depending on certain situations and times. In terms of times when you have felt very introverted due to extroverts, would you be comfortable with saying the extroverts which caused this?



Trinidad said:


> I prefer introverts, extroverts drain me quite quickly. My relationships with introverts tend to be deeper, less superficial than with extroverts. Not that extroverts _are_ superficial! I just need to see them less often than my introverted friends.
> 
> Though the occasional EXXP can convince my inferior Ne to come out and play


Yes, I do notice that extroverts tend to sort of scrape the surface and move to something else rather quickly.





JungleDisco said:


> It depends too much on other people. It's annoying but my close relationships really do mean a lot to me. I was speaking to an ENTP lately and she said, and confirmed what I expected, that sometimes extroverts prefer to just find new friends instead of working through things with their current friends... A little disheartening.


Hm.. From my perspective this is usually when friendships don't mesh, which seems a bit unloyal on the terms of the extrovert, but if someone doesn't make you feel good and you continue to be friends with them, and you don't make them feel good, you have to ask 'why?' In terms of meeting new people, while I love to do that, I wouldn't say it takes prority over current friends, unless these are exceptional people.





Watch Key Phone said:


> Yes to both questions.  I do like extroverts, being around them is exciting and I'm always more talkative. But overall I tend to prefer introverts, at least for longer time periods. I just usually have more in common with them - most of my friends are introverted. We drifted together because we were all the ones in the social group who didn't really go clubbing or enjoy parties.


That makes sense.  Thank you for answering!






HamsterSamurai said:


> I like an extrovert or two. Introverts tend to be more comfortable to be around, but they can be just as annoying for different reasons. I think any balanced group of friends should have at least one or two(to keep each other company)


 Balance is very important, I agree.


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## narwhalcupcake (Jan 26, 2013)

shakti said:


> Introverts, how do you express affection towards loved ones? Do you think verbally expressing your love frequently somehow devalues the sentiment, and prefer to "speak" through quiet deeds? :happy:


I do feel like people saying "I love you" every time someone leaves the house, or every time you finish a phone call is a little much... I mean, if you think about what it means, it is a very deep statement to make. It has become overused, now most of us say it without a thought. It should (IMO) be saved for special moments, and then when someone would say it, it would be given it's real meaning and potential- it's true purpose. Sometimes I feel like not responding back to someone when they say "I love you" to me, simply because I know it won't have any meaning. It's become a social expectation to say it back, but if people just let it up, the moments we do say it would be truly special. :happy: 

As for speaking through deeds- yeah, I guess I do that. For example, my mother was not feeling happy, her health was particularly bad, and the Boston bombing had just happened. She was crying very hard because the young boy who died looked a lot like my little brother. (but also because he was just a child) So with all that, she was really depressed. I looked around the room to see what I could do, and saw a box of Hot Tamales, so I grabbed a couple and made a Hot Tamale angel. Despite her feeling almost at her utmost lowest, I gave it to her, and she smiled. She laughed, 'thought it was "so cute". That seemed to lift her spirits a bit  I like making things opposed to buying things to give to people, I feels more real. 

Other ways I show affection are quality time (my love language) and touch. Though touching is for a select FEW, otherwise you can get your hands off me! :frustrating:


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## VinnieBob (Mar 24, 2014)

I am a INTJ and I never keep a journal, I remember everything. I can remember conversations with people from 30 years ago I do not know if the other I types have the same ability or not but for the most part if they do then there is no reason to keep one


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## OneCoffeePlease (Mar 26, 2014)

shakti said:


> Introverts, how do you express affection towards loved ones? Do you think verbally expressing your love frequently somehow devalues the sentiment, and prefer to "speak" through quiet deeds? :happy:


I have to put loved ones into two categories: Family and spouse. Family do not get so much direct affection, though they know who to call if they have problems, someone to rely on etc. Basically through action I would say.

In a relationship I combine words and action, saying "I love you", or hearing it, does not affect me at all unless it is combined with acton like a kiss or holding my hand. It is not to say that I won't say it otherwise, but only after talking about the "necessity". I.e the girl I'm with likes hearing it with almost every interaction. 

So basically it has no value for me personally, unless an action is tied to it. Though just getting a tender hug, kiss etc. is confirmation enough, the words for me are not a necessity.

Edit:

I don't have kids, but I became an uncle for the first time recently. Having a greater understanding for the positive effects of physical bonding than earlier, I will strive to give out more hugs than done previosly. Want to also add that I don't mind hugs in general, but there is a big difference in "oh, I haven't seen you for a while hug" and "$deity I wish this hug never ends".


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## Dedication (Jun 11, 2013)

vinniebob said:


> I am a INTJ and I never keep a journal, I remember everything. I can remember conversations with people from 30 years ago I do not know if the other I types have the same ability or not but for the most part if they do then there is no reason to keep one


You might want to look into your type, according to the cognitive functions you shouldn't be able to remember everything because that is bound to Si, something the INTJ is very bad at.


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## Angina Jolie (Feb 13, 2014)

vinniebob said:


> I am a INTJ and I never keep a journal, I remember everything. I can remember conversations with people from 30 years ago I do not know if the other I types have the same ability or not but for the most part if they do then there is no reason to keep one


I can somewhat agree. I mostly remember my own experiences easily. I can quite easily recall a date and other things of days that weren't ''Just another day'', I can recall what other people around me were doing, saying or etc AND especially how I felt at that moment. But the reason for not keeping a journal is simply because I don't see a reason for that. If I want to express my feelings, I do it some other creative way or write it down somewhere and then throw out. I do save some great conversations that I've had online though. Or sudden philosophical ideas that I want to remember every detail about. But it's not regular ''journaling''.


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## OneCoffeePlease (Mar 26, 2014)

My memory is purely based on emotional attachment to it. Anything I have no strong emotion towards (positive or negative), is "not recorded".


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## disguise (Jan 17, 2014)

*1)* What does draining feel like exactly? Is it suddenly becoming tired, and wanting to push yourself away from the conversation?
*2)* Do you consider being on the internet/watching TV/playing a videogame alone recharging, or does it have to be completely away from any outside connections?

Something that has been bothering me with an acquaintance/friend from a hobby. We happen to go with the same bus, but I try to avoid her when we go there by sitting in the back (while she sits in the front) because I'd prefer my own thoughts then. When we come back, I usually walk with her to the stop, and we sit together on the bus. We talk about things related to the hobby and/or sit quietly, but I'd happily hear more about her personal life and share mine. This brings me to the actual question:
*3)* How fast is it okay to start asking personal questions? It's been, hmm... 8 months now 

(Still not sure am I an extrovert. I don't get energized by being around people, but it doesn't feel heavily draining either [depending on the company, though]. Or maybe I'm just your everyday introverted extrovert ENTP)


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