# New guy here,,, INTP & Borderline Personality Disorder.



## aluminumfetish

Hello all. I'm a 39 year old male from Minneapolis, Minnesota//U.S.A. I've been struggling with anxiety for 15 years and am just now figuring it all out. I found this site and hope to share with others in similar situations. I've been a chronic over-thinker and worrier as long as I can remember. I'm very hyper-sensitive and get worked up very quickly. I took a few of the personality tests and seem to come up INTP. I've recently been diagnosed with mild borderline personality disorder and I guess that's not a surprise. I'm also a Pisces if that has any relevance. I've had a turbulent history with relationships. I'm quick to jump into things and rarely finish them. I've been sober (drinking) for 2 years and that's a good thing. I feel that sometimes I'm thinking about things WAY more than others and that can cause a rift between myself and my peers. My father was VERY introverted and rather unlikable. I'm mostly afraid of ending up like him.... old and alone and missing out on the life I should be living. Can anybody relate ?? What do the rest of over-thinkers do to blend in ? 

Thanks for reading, Aluminumfetish.


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## Mr. CafeBot

*Welcome to PersonalityCafe!*

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## susurration

Welcome, Aluminumfetish.

I have been reading about BPD a bit lately. Would it bother you to talk about your experiences with it? I would like to hear about it.


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## Ben

Welcome. roud:


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## Alice in Wonderland

Welcome :happy:
I think you should start an advice thread about over thinking /worrying. I can't really relate but maybe someone here can.


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## fiasco

Welcome.

That's a really awesome avatar.


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## roxtehproxy

Welcome aboard, matey.

I'm also considered an HSP, and battle SA everyday also, but I havn't had a professional diagnosis yet.

I relate alot. :crying:


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## Grey

Welcome to the forum. I hope you enjoy your stay, and I hope you find what you're looking for while here.


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## skycloud86

*Welcome to the forum* :happy:


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## aluminumfetish

*BPD and anxiety.... more.*

Hello again. Thanks for the warm welcome. I'd be happy to share what I'm dealing with. I've looked online and have not really found an open forum on the subject so I'd love to start up a conversation.

This may get long winded so read on if you dare.

Like I said earlier... I'm 39, male, physically very healthy and highly functioning. I'm the youngest of three siblings. I have a sister that is 7 years older and a brother that's 11 years older I think. My parents separated when I was 2 or 3. My father was a very troubled man. His mother died a week before x-mas when was maybe 13 or 14. He was extremely un-trusting and paranoid. He was also an alcoholic. He died 2 years ago in a trailer park in Arizona alone and disconnected from the world. He gave up on life 20 years ago. 
I lived with my mother most of my life and felt like an only child as my siblings were much older and rarely around. My mother supported us alone by working on the assembly line at FORD motor company. After working she mostly slept... I was alone since I can remember. I became the clingy kid at an early age... desperate for any attention I could get... from neighbors... to classmates... to anybody. I had 2 close friends n high school ... they both had fantastic homes.... with wonderful, supportive parents. It was then that I noticed the difference between myself and them. As a typical teen I was VERY insecure.... I've had vision problems since birth. I can't see out of both eyes at the same time. I have no depth perception and no stereoscopic vision. My eyes would cross when I was tired and I quickly become terrified of making eye contact with anybody and became very introverted. My self esteem couldn't have been lower. Despite my own horrible self image I was very well liked and could be rather charming once I came out of my shell. I was a poor student in high school. I never dated while I was in high school. I'm really selling myself here huh !!! 
Shortly after high school I started dating a girl I had a speech class with once. We got pregnant at the age of 21. We had a wonderful son and I joined the Air Force and we got married. After 3 years in the Air Force she had an affair and this is the moment it all really started. I internalized it all. Swallowed all of the pain and outwardly recovered from the divorce very quickly. On the inside... it's still a bleeding wound. My trust in people was minimal before the marriage and all but extinct since. I've had several 2-3 year relationships with wonderful women since but my unnaturally over-reactive emotional self put an end to all of them. Over the last few years I've been hospitalized for severe depression and anxiety. I was losing my mind. I couldn't cope with anything... it all fell apart. I thought I was insane. I went to V.A. and got help and was put on Celexa for depression. What a nightmare........... worst period in my life ever.... celexa did make me crazy. I was out of control. I quit taking cold turkey. I didn't know any better. After another year of struggling I went back the Va and guess what.... the gave me the same damn drug. I felt guilty for quitting so agreed to try it again same result.... almost instant ( 2 weeks ) insanity. I would RAGE at the slightest provocation. I didn't know what to do. They switched me to an anti-depressant called Remeron and damn if that didn't fix me right up. I'm still taking it. I called every specialist that would talk to me. After taxes and child support I made enough money to rent an apartment and feed myself. I have not had a car since 1997. I finally found a Doctor that worked with my on the phone for free for a bit. He told me it was text book BPD. I read every single thing I could find about it. It made perfect sense. The relief I felt upon learning that there was a legit reason for everything I was going through was probably the happiest day of my life. I'm a bit tired to get into the specifics now but will in a day or two. This BPD diagnosis was just recently, maybe 2 months ago. I urge you all to read about BPD and as many other disorders as you can handle because I'll bet that someone close is suffering... and knowing as much as you can about them can really , REALLY help understand why we react the way we do. The mind is so incredible.... there is a series on PBS right now called "this emotional life" (i think that's it) and it is fantastic. Remember............ there is ALWAYS hope... even though you can't see it, you must believe that it's there. Please respond and share and try to be more understanding with those that seem to struggle. We appreciate it.  Aluminumfetush


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## susurration

Thank you so much for sharing Aluminum, I was touched by your story.

I'm reading a lot about all sorts of disorders, atm. I also find the mind to be incredible. 

I'm glad to hear that you have come this far. I sincerely wish you all the best. As I know the battle is far from over. 

I hope you find something helpful in this forum.

edit: the lack of forums on mental illness etc. is something i've noticed too.. hmm


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## aluminumfetish

the poem about the heart eater hit me curiously. What is it from ?


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## susurration

It is by Stephen Crane, called 'in the dessert'.

It's an intriguing poem.


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## Happy

aluminumfetish said:


> Hello all. I'm a 39 year old male from Minneapolis, Minnesota//U.S.A. I've been struggling with anxiety for 15 years and am just now figuring it all out. I found this site and hope to share with others in similar situations. I've been a chronic over-thinker and worrier as long as I can remember. I'm very hyper-sensitive and get worked up very quickly. I took a few of the personality tests and seem to come up INTP. I've recently been diagnosed with mild borderline personality disorder and I guess that's not a surprise. I'm also a Pisces if that has any relevance. I've had a turbulent history with relationships. I'm quick to jump into things and rarely finish them. I've been sober (drinking) for 2 years and that's a good thing. I feel that sometimes I'm thinking about things WAY more than others and that can cause a rift between myself and my peers. My father was VERY introverted and rather unlikable. I'm mostly afraid of ending up like him.... old and alone and missing out on the life I should be living. Can anybody relate ?? What do the rest of over-thinkers do to blend in ?
> 
> Thanks for reading, Aluminumfetish.



Greetings aluminumfetish! Welcome to Personality Cafe! Thank you very much for joining our humble little forum. We hope you have a great time with us. INTP's are awesome and I am highly looking forward to reading more of your post.roud:


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