# Dealing with fear



## setzer (Mar 31, 2012)

I'm confident in me for who I am. Yet I'm deathly afraid of myself. 
Every single moment I get to myself tends to bring this to the surface. 
I function around people normally but as soon as I get some time for myself it's like entering a dark room with emotional whips which tell me I can't be happy because I'm broken.

I just don't know what to do with it anymore. I used to be able to shove that feeling away, then it came back with revenge. Now... Trying to do that it's only delaying it and making the feeling stronger.



setzer said:


> Feeling terrible. :bored:
> Got this same nagging feeling last night, which lead to a migraine.
> My unstable mind drains my energy more then any social gathering could right now.
> 
> ...





setzer said:


> I face my fears(my mind&self) as often as I can to an unhealthy level. I think/know I'm broken and I'm trying to fix that, with the knowledge that I'm walking the edge, one side is staying as I am now with a deep worry/fear/anxiety. And on the other side is going mental(in a bad way). It's something I need to do to feel whole.
> Is this bravery?





setzer said:


> I don't know what to do with myself. I've actually gone into autopilot, I had 2 hours of sleep last night. The anxiety and fear kept the sleep away until exhaustion.
> Today I've been in a blank mood, too tired to actually feel(I can't say if I love it for what it is, or hate it because of what will return). It's easy to act normal. Being myself isn't. Was I my *actual* self today or was it the tiredness & caffeine that made me drag out a rarely used persona?
> I got a ride from a classmate today, and I didn't even think twice about it. Usually I just turn offers like that down to not be a bother. What the hell? Seems like something has been shut off completely today.
> 
> ...





setzer said:


> I confront my biggest fear each and every moment. It's hard not to.
> My own mind.
> I need to LEARN that I won't actually end up like my dad. And accept that even how much I hated him that doesn't take away that he was my dad.
> 
> ...





setzer said:


> Confused. Alone. Annoyed.
> As soon as I don't have my mind occupied on something.
> Everything takes a dark turn and yet again I find myself on the sofa, just trying to not to think and enjoy my music, just to end up brooding. Why the hell doesn't I do anything about it instead? Oh yeah, feeling like a bother when speaking my mind(not that they'd understand), afraid of calling because of it might be seen like I'm desperate or weak...
> What would I give to be able to blame anything/anyone other then myself... But nothing is easy, that doesn't kill you will make you stronger? I don't know about that. I thought I was fine. I wasn't. I never were...
> TL;DR feeling like shit.


Any pointers? Thanks in advance.

/setzer


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## CrabbyPaws (Mar 5, 2012)

Sounds like you have a bad case of anxiety. Pushing anxiety away only makes it stronger. The reasons behind it are deeply in your unconscious and the best way to diminish fear is to realise it, rather than keep it suppressed/repressed. Have you thought about seeing a therapist?


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## setzer (Mar 31, 2012)

I have thought about it. I was not sure I needed one earlier and thought I could get through it on my own.
Now I'm certain about needing one. But hearing about the place I was going to made me find another place.
In a week or two I suspect I'll had my first talk.


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## Inveniet (Aug 21, 2009)

Your need to change what you focus on man.

Instead of focusing in fixing what is broken.
Realize that the only thing that keeps you away from joy is your focus on the negative.

How can you focus on the positive in your life instead of what is negative?


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## Word Dispenser (May 18, 2012)

setzer said:


> I'm confident in me for who I am. Yet I'm deathly afraid of myself.
> Every single moment I get to myself tends to bring this to the surface.
> I function around people normally but as soon as I get some time for myself it's like entering a dark room with emotional whips which tell me I can't be happy because I'm broken.
> 
> ...



You have to accept yourself for your flaws, as well as your assets.

What I'm seeing here is not a fear of _yourself,_ but a fear of someone _else_. Now, that's just impossible. You _can't _become someone else. You're you.

I've been accused of something similar. They do that to get under your skin and manipulate you. For me, it doesn't work. I accept that I'm like this person, because I'm related, yes. I might have adapted some traits due to my environment. But, I also recognize that I'm different.

The difference is that I _see_ what I do, and I know when I do something wrong. I recognize it, admit it, and try to fix it. They don't. 

You need to look at the differences instead of the sameness. If you recognize that you have flaws, you have something to work from. You can improve, and become better. If they never knew what they did was off, and you know what you do is off, then you're one step ahead.

If you_ know_ what you're doing, the way you're reacting, and the way you are, and you can see when you do something you don't like, you can right it. You can take responsibility for it instead of being afraid of it.

I'm not going to tell you that you're not like this person. I'm going to tell you that you _are_. So come to terms with it, and better yourself from it. Quit hiding in a crowd.

If you deny who you are, good and bad, you're more likely to become something you're not.


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## setzer (Mar 31, 2012)

Word Dispenser said:


> You have to accept yourself for your flaws, as well as your assets.
> 
> What I'm seeing here is not a fear of _yourself,_ but a fear of someone _else_. Now, that's just impossible. You _can't _become someone else. You're you.
> 
> ...


It's a fear of what I might become, all the bad things I've seen happen. I know I'm not this person, and I KNOW that I wont become this person. I'm everything he never was.
I know I'm not this person, but myself. I know I have flaws, and I try to better the ones I know.
I know this! But it's not rational.
I get more interests which coincides with his, more values. What else is going to pop up? It doesn't make sense I know...
And feeling an immense anger & sadness after his passing. Sure it was last December. But everything overwhelmed me back in February with all the memories. And after remembering all the bad things, I can see how were so alike yet different. I have developed so much more "me" then he ever did. Yet this fear of ending up a wreck is pushing me towards exactly that.
But again, it's not rational...

Thanks.


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## Word Dispenser (May 18, 2012)

setzer said:


> It's a fear of what I might become, all the bad things I've seen happen. I know I'm not this person, and I KNOW that I wont become this person. I'm everything he never was.
> I know I'm not this person, but myself. I know I have flaws, and I try to better the ones I know.
> I know this! But it's not rational.
> I get more interests which coincides with his, more values. What else is going to pop up? It doesn't make sense I know...
> ...


Sounds like you care about him. Maybe you even respect him. Maybe that scares you because of who he was, and that you don't think he was worth caring about. But you can't help it, that's just the way it is with family.


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## setzer (Mar 31, 2012)

hornet said:


> Your need to change what you focus on man.
> 
> Instead of focusing in fixing what is broken.
> Realize that the only thing that keeps you away from joy is your focus on the negative.
> ...


I realize that I'm broken and the logical next step is to fix it. Why let something be broken? It will just haunt me, like it did before... Only that it manifested with less frequent and shorter periods of feeling like shit. It has haunted me for so long I'd rather just deal with it. I need to get rid of my irrational "fear"... I don't want to be close and letting someone else deal with my baggage, might as well have it squared away for good... And for that I need to do something about it.

I've tried for so long to not focus on the fact, but then to have it slap me in the face so many times and reminding me about everything I've been trying to forget... Fuck that. 

I want to become more mentally stable, which I'm not right now. Imagine hearing a new song and it just breaks something inside you and it just destroys your week/weekend, or to read a new book and then just falling back down. Or movie... Or watching the news... Or reading the newspaper. Et.c...

Thanks.


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## setzer (Mar 31, 2012)

Word Dispenser said:


> Sounds like you care about him. Maybe you even respect him. Maybe that scares you because of who he was, and that you don't think he was worth caring about. But you can't help it, that's just the way it is with family.


Well. Yeah. I don't know why I would care, or respect him. He haven't earned it. 
And it makes me angry to tears basically.


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## Word Dispenser (May 18, 2012)

setzer said:


> Well. Yeah. I don't know why I would care, or respect him. He haven't earned it.
> And it makes me angry to tears basically.


There it is, then. The very essence of your problem. Now it is possible for you to solve it. Find out why you care for him and respect him, despite his awfulness. And learn to accept that you _do_, and that it's _okay_. Maybe you should admit it to someone else who knew him, and talk it out with them.


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## Inveniet (Aug 21, 2009)

setzer said:


> I realize that I'm broken and the logical next step is to fix it. Why let something be broken? It will just haunt me, like it did before... Only that it manifested with less frequent and shorter periods of feeling like shit. It has haunted me for so long I'd rather just deal with it. I need to get rid of my irrational "fear"... I don't want to be close and letting someone else deal with my baggage, might as well have it squared away for good... And for that I need to do something about it.
> 
> I've tried for so long to not focus on the fact, but then to have it slap me in the face so many times and reminding me about everything I've been trying to forget... Fuck that.
> 
> ...


What specifically is broken?
Isn't the word broken just a symbol for your negative ideas about yourself?

By continuing to focusing on the word broken you are chaining yourself to your mental status quo.
Is that what you want?

Or do you want to go in a new direction?

Maybe broken could be swapped with overly focused on the negative.

I get that music and other media around you trigger certain states in you.
I've been there myself.

Lighten up! Litterally! Chose a calm light background on your desktop and maybe even change your avatar to a more
light look. Sit up straight in your chair and visualize some nice past memory, take a deep breath.
Because when you do stuff like that you will change how you think in small ways and help you move in a more positive direction.
In the beginning it will be hard, but totally worth it.

This guy might help too! 

attractanything - YouTube


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## setzer (Mar 31, 2012)

Word Dispenser said:


> There it is, then. The very essence of your problem. Now it is possible for you to solve it. Find out why you care for him and respect him, despite his awfulness. And learn to accept that you _do_, and that it's _okay_. Maybe you should admit it to someone else who knew him, and talk it out with them.


This is going to be the hardest part. Thanks. :happy:


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## setzer (Mar 31, 2012)

hornet said:


> What specifically is broken?
> Isn't the word broken just a symbol for your negative ideas about yourself?
> 
> By continuing to focusing on the word broken you are chaining yourself to your mental status quo.
> ...


Not just a word, but a word to describe what in a really real way what I've been feeling.
I'll try not to use that word. But... Ah well. :happy:

I don't want to continue to feel like shit, but it has made me realize that I really need to take care of the problem, which I've just been pushing onto my future self. I didn't let myself to think about it, just ignored it. And it kept creeping back into my life with even more and more force. Even if the times between these periods grew the pain grew. And I can't keep ignoring it, as the increasing pain for each episode, it would be too much to bear in a couple of more breakdowns. I could usually shake it off in a day or two.

I don't want to deal with it in the future anymore. I want to feel like the past is the past and I am actually me and no one else. I'm sick and tired of sabotaging myself.
Which I'm going to change.

Thank you. :happy:


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## Inveniet (Aug 21, 2009)

@setzer

Did you know that when you use frases like this.



> I *don't* want to continue to feel like shit


Your subconcious hears



> I want to continue to feel like shit


Your subconcious are unable to deal with negatives.

If you start frasing what you want in the positive.

Like



> I want to feel better.



You will get the change you want and deserve. 

I would advice you to go over your last post and give thought to how it could be restated in the positive,
looking for a solution.


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