# If Famous Writers Had Written Twilight



## quadrivium (Nov 6, 2011)

If Famous Writers Had Written Twilight


*Herman Melville* “Call me Bella.” A tome about the length of the original series investigates Bella’s monomanical search for the vampire who stole her virginity. There’s an entire chapter devoted to describing the devastating whiteness of Edward’s skin, and several on the physiognomy of vampires, starting with their skeletal structure outward.
*Virginia Wool**f*
The novel takes place over the course of twenty four hours, during which Bella is painting a portrait of Edward and reflecting on how her femininity circumscribes her role within 20th century society.
*Cormac McCarthy*
In the opening scene, Edward dashes Bella’s head against a rock and rapes her corpse. Then he and Jacob take off on an unexplained rampage through the West.
*Jane Austen*
Basically the same as the original, except that Bella is socially apt and incredibly witty. Her distrust of Edward is initially bourne out of a tragic misunderstanding of his character, but after a fling with Jacob during which he sexually assaults her (amusing to no one in this version) she and Edward live happily ever after.
*George Saunders*
Same as the original, but set in a theme park. Somehow involves gangs of robots, which distract the reader from the essential sappiness of Edward and Bella’s story.
*Raymond Carver*
Bella stars as the alcoholic barmaid with daddy issues that Edward, a classic abuser, exploits. When Bella’s old friend Jacob comes to visit and is shocked by her bruises, she thinks about leaving him, but instead hits the gin bottle. Hard.
*Annie Proulx*
Edward and Jacob defy society’s expectations up in the mountains.
*Lewis Carroll*
Bella takes acid and charts syllogisms.
*James Joyce*
Edward’s rapacious love for Bella reflects the way globalism has pillaged Ireland. It’s entirely written in Esperanto, with sections in untranslated Greek, except for Chapter 40, which is inexplicably rendered as a script page from the musical _The Book of Mormon_.
*Dorothy Parker*
Bella writes a brilliant takedown of the latest school play, dates a string of men, and repeatedly attempts suicide.
*Kate Chopin*
Stifled by her marriage to Edward, Bella has an affair with Jacob and then drowns herself.
*Ernest Hemingway*
Edward and Bella exchange terse dialogue alluding to Edward’s anatomical problem. Eventually, Bella leaves him for Jacob, a local bullfighter with a giant…sense of entitlement.
*Flannery O’Connor*
When Native American werewolf Jacob threatens her with death, Bella reconsiders her hardcore racism, and just for one milisecond, the audience finds her sympathetic.
*Ayn Rand*
Edward tells Bella that he intends to stop saving her life, unless she starts paying him in gold bullion. Hatefucking ensues, then Jacob spouts objectivist philosophy for the next 100 pages.




Anyone bibliophiles want to add one?


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## La Li Lu Le Lo (Aug 15, 2011)

I would if I had ever read Twilight, otherwise I wouldn't know how to parody it.


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## quadrivium (Nov 6, 2011)

If you had read any of that list, you would see that the descriptions was more about parodying "famous writers" using a love triangle that happens to be Twilight.


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## Ace Face (Nov 13, 2011)

LOL, pretty good! xD I'll have to think of some to add!


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## MyName (Oct 23, 2009)

Truman Capote-Edward and Jacob are gay lovers, but they pretend to both be interested in Bella just so they can brutally murder her. They then lead police on a nation wide chase where important lessons about sociology are learned.

Emily Bronte-She actually did write Twilight, only it was called Wuthering Heights and was a much better book.

Ezra Pound-Each book is a two line poem that describes the principle characters sitting in their living rooms and moping.

T.S Elliot- The whole thing is just Bella's stream of consciousness rant about how her indeceisiveness with E and J is typical of a stoic middle class existence. She makes constant references to Dante and Sanskrit literature.

Joseph Heller- Bella wants to avoid having a lame boyfriend, but realizes that Edward is just so pushy that the only way she can avoid him is to begin a relationship with an equally lame werewolf named Jacob. She pretends to be lesbian to try and fend them off, but they don't buy it. Eventually she just runs away. Edward's blood sucking symbolises capitalism and there's a really long anecdote about Bella's experience with a bald, underage prostitute.

Ernest Hemingway- Edward is thinking about killing himself, and sucks people's blood to take his mind off his existential problems, symbolising Hemingway's alcoholism. Edward also decides to have awkwardly written sex scenes with a girl named Bella to further take his mind off his problems. However, he ends up getting her pregnant. She dies a grotesque death in childbirth due to the fearsome vampire child's delivery, and, to make matters worse, Edward forgot his umbrella and had to walk home in the rain afterward. Also, Jacob's character is completely re written as an anti-semetic gypsie


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## happyrain (Apr 25, 2012)

Sarah Dessen -
Bella is a girl with a depressing life who moves to Forks, where she meets a boy she wouldn't normally date. He has a weird addiction to blood, but she can look beyond that. After 200 pages, they get together and get married.


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## Mutatio NOmenis (Jun 22, 2009)

Leo Tolstoy-
The book is now 900 pages long in tiny font, tight spacing, huge pages, and narrow margins. There are now at least 24 characters, half of whom only show up briefly and all have extremely similar names. At least half the book is moral lecturing. The story is now intentionally misogynist, Edward lives on a ranch, and Jacob is an officer in the Army. And now everyone considers it the greatest book ever.


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## happyrain (Apr 25, 2012)

George Orwell-
The Vampires have thrown out the old Werewolf rulers. The stupid humans follow every rule the vampires make, and werewolves try to take back Vampire Farm, and ultimately, the Vampire rule is exactly like the werewolf, breaking the rules they made until the humans cannot tell the vampires apart from the werewolves. This reflects his own personal political views.

I don't know...


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## MyName (Oct 23, 2009)

happyrain said:


> George Orwell-
> The Vampires have thrown out the old Werewolf rulers. The stupid humans follow every rule the vampires make, and werewolves try to take back Vampire Farm, and ultimately, the Vampire rule is exactly like the werewolf, breaking the rules they made until the humans cannot tell the vampires apart from the werewolves. This reflects his own personal political views.
> 
> I don't know...


If Orwell had written Twilight, the whole thing would've been a meta-story about how everyone will love the book just because they've been brainwashed by the Ministry of Love/in store promotional appearances. Last line "She loved Edward Cullen"


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## Enkidu (Apr 19, 2010)

Some of the comments are noteworthy:



> *Haruki Murakami*:
> 
> Bella has sex with Edward, who is half a ghost. Jacob is a talking cat. Most of the prose is given over to descriptions of Bella making pasta.





> *Joss Whedon*:
> 
> Bella carries a wooden stake tipped in silver. She kicks butts of misbehaving vampires and werewolves alike. Neither Edward, nor Jake can reconcile themselves to dating a woman as powerful as themselves. Bella wanders the world as a protector of humanity.


My Favorite:


> Twilight ala *Isaac Asimov*:
> 
> Much of the book is devoted to Bella and Edward discussing how to circumvent the Three Laws of Vampirics…





> *Dostoyevsky*:
> In the first chapter, we learn that Bella is an impoverished ex-student in St. Petersburg who conspires to kill Edward for the money he has taken from his victims during his life as a vampire. The rest of the novel investigates Bella’s tortured internal argument as she seeks to justify staking Edward because of all the good she plans to do with his money, versus her guilt at killing him, which simultaneously represents her desire to kill her father and the prevailing spirit of atheism that is threatening to kill society.


OR



> Twilight, by *Dr. Seuss*
> 
> Jake likes a girl. Her name is Bella.
> Bella likes a different fella.
> ...


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## happyrain (Apr 25, 2012)

Lisi Harrison - same plot, only with several brand names


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## sullenstare (Jun 25, 2011)

stephen king- 'nuff said

aleister crowley- edward would proceed to call himself the great beast and would tell bella that he is entitled to her blood. Thats one chapter. The rest of the book would be a narcisistic book on a bent perception of the world spat out through shock factor

j.d. salinger- pretty much the same thing. from edwards point of view. He walks around the small town wearing a redhat drinking "bloody mary's" at an alcoholic level brooding about the trauma of losing his innocence and humanity due to the transformation. Oh and bella would be a 9 year old little girl he hangs out with like a pedophile talking to her about bannanafish.

aldous huxley- vampires are the majority with blood being a drug used by those in charge to control the vampires. From there childless sex is promoted vigorously

nietzche- bella disproving vampires existence

brett easton ellis- edward is a pro killer for blood. he fits in daily life by being a douchebag rich kid. oh wait...

hunter s thompson- its all a bad acid trip


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## dulcinea (Aug 22, 2011)

Franz Kafka: Edward spontaneously gets arrested but not told why, leaving him eternally in a system involving bureaucracy and red tape. Bella tries to help him fight the battle but gets frustrated and gives up quickly, and soon forgets Edward ever existed, then ends up with Jacob who spontaneously turns into a giant insect one morning.


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## ENTPfemme (Mar 16, 2012)

Twilight is about a bunch of bloodsucking psychopathic freaks. Stephen King, decided to take a pass on it. It was to convoluted for him. I can't blame him, we have murder, "love", and destiny and a bunch of other weird incompatible combinations going on in the plot line, and frankly that grouping of shit scares the crap out of me. I have never read the books obviously or watched the shows, just clips were enough to see where things were headed. YIKES!!!!:shocked:


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## sushi (May 2, 2010)

charlotte bronte anyone? im not good at this stuff so..


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## quadrivium (Nov 6, 2011)

sushi said:


> charlotte bronte anyone? im not good at this stuff so..


I don't think I ever read Jane Eyre, but Emily Bronte was writing the same brooding male story line much like Twilight. Some things never change.


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## Killjoy (Aug 5, 2010)

Samuel Beckett - The entire story is a rambling monologue given by Bella as she covers topics ranging from her chaotic consciousness and unconscious impulses to her constipation and immobility. She also occasionally mentions incidentally that she is waiting for a vampire named Edward, who never appears and whose existence is debatable.


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## 7rr7s (Jun 6, 2011)

Vladomir Nabokov -Bella is actualy 12 and Edward is a vampire stuck in the body of a middle aged man who is torn between his love for bella and his craving for young flesh to sate his thirst for bloodsucking.


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## sofort99 (Mar 27, 2010)

John Milton's "Twilight" - Considered the equivalent of reading the entire encyclopedia Britannica verbatim. It is recognized as being virtually unreadable, with no one living having ever endured to read the entire work. The only thing anyone remembers after reading is the bad guys get the best lines.

It is now considered to be among history's most influential and important works, due to it single-handedly killing the entire genre of vampire and werewolf literature aimed at 13 year old girls.


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## feelgood682 (Jul 7, 2012)

I think 
StephenieMeye_r is the __Twilight_ Series


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## mastelsa (Mar 13, 2012)

I have a very good friend who wrote this poem for a class. The assignment was supposed to involve one's least favorite author, and she couldn't decide between Stephanie Meyer and George Orwell, so she combined them. I think she changed it a little from this, but I still think it's awesome.

Why Classic Novels Don’t Normally Involve Vampires


Though he was a vampire, Winston was glum.
He toiled for the Party and lived in a slum.
He hated the Party and knew they were wrong,
And people who thought this just never lived long.


Some background: “The Party” refers to a mob
Of really rich vampires who make it their job
To govern their fellow Children of Night
By confusing their subjects into forgetting what’s right.


If by some chance their bullshit just didn’t ring true,
The Thought Police would eliminate you.
They’d find you and tear your whole body to shreds
And then burn the pieces so you were good and dead.


The Party was run by this Big Brother guy,
Whom everyone loved, though they weren’t quite sure why.
He watched them from these big ol’ screens on the wall,
But this didn’t bother them; no, not at all.


Winston was smart; he remembered his station
In this vampire mind-control organization.
His friend Syme was brilliant and supported the Party,
But he still got zapped, cuz they didn’t like smarties.


The Goldsteinists, once, gave the Party a fright
By turning the Proles into vamps left and right.
They wanted a bloodthirsty vampire legion
To kick out the Party and take over the region.


But Big Brother was God and you just can’t beat that;
His goons could erase you at the drop of a hat.
So Goldstein was dead or in hiding somewhere,
And the vast brainwashed masses didn’t much care.


Winston hooked up with this Julia chick,
And the two of them thought that they were pretty slick.
But Big Brother was watching; they were caught before long,
And both were beat up, but their love was strong.


Winston escaped by killing the guards
With his flamethrower while they were all playing cards.
He busted out Julia, and then they both fled
Back to his tenement, filled with pure dread.


And then, who stopped by, but Winston’s friend Syme!
Winston said, “I thought you’d been dead all this time!”
Then Winston found out that he had been wrong,
That Syme had been playing a joke all along.


There was a long respite and they all held fast
To see if the Party would give up at last.
They joined with the werewolves of the Eurasian state
Overcoming generations of prejudice and hate.


Together, they faced down the Party that day,
In what promised to be one hell of a fray.
Winston said, “We’d be fine if you left us alone,”
“All right,” said the Party, and then went back home.


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## mastelsa (Mar 13, 2012)

I have a very good friend who wrote this poem for a class. The assignment was supposed to involve one's least favorite author, and she couldn't decide between Stephanie Meyer and George Orwell, so she combined them. I think she changed it a little from this, but I still think it's awesome.

Why Classic Novels Don’t Normally Involve Vampires


Though he was a vampire, Winston was glum.
He toiled for the Party and lived in a slum.
He hated the Party and knew they were wrong,
And people who thought this just never lived long.


Some background: “The Party” refers to a mob
Of really rich vampires who make it their job
To govern their fellow Children of Night
By confusing their subjects into forgetting what’s right.


If by some chance their bullshit just didn’t ring true,
The Thought Police would eliminate you.
They’d find you and tear your whole body to shreds
And then burn the pieces so you were good and dead.


The Party was run by this Big Brother guy,
Whom everyone loved, though they weren’t quite sure why.
He watched them from these big ol’ screens on the wall,
But this didn’t bother them; no, not at all.


Winston was smart; he remembered his station
In this vampire mind-control organization.
His friend Syme was brilliant and supported the Party,
But he still got zapped, cuz they didn’t like smarties.


The Goldsteinists, once, gave the Party a fright
By turning the Proles into vamps left and right.
They wanted a bloodthirsty vampire legion
To kick out the Party and take over the region.


But Big Brother was God and you just can’t beat that;
His goons could erase you at the drop of a hat.
So Goldstein was dead or in hiding somewhere,
And the vast brainwashed masses didn’t much care.


Winston hooked up with this Julia chick,
And the two of them thought that they were pretty slick.
But Big Brother was watching; they were caught before long,
And both were beat up, but their love was strong.


Winston escaped by killing the guards
With his flamethrower while they were all playing cards.
He busted out Julia, and then they both fled
Back to his tenement, filled with pure dread.


And then, who stopped by, but Winston’s friend Syme!
Winston said, “I thought you’d been dead all this time!”
Then Winston found out that he had been wrong,
That Syme had been playing a joke all along.


There was a long respite and they all held fast
To see if the Party would give up at last.
They joined with the werewolves of the Eurasian state
Overcoming generations of prejudice and hate.


Together, they faced down the Party that day,
In what promised to be one hell of a fray.
Winston said, “We’d be fine if you left us alone,”
“All right,” said the Party, and then went back home.


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## nowhere_man (Jun 14, 2012)

Raymond Chandlier- Edward is a tough as nails private eye in pre-world war 2 L.A. hired by shady but sexy Bella to track down Jacob her good hearted but always drunk lover who has disappeared after racking up massive gambling debts to a very colorful local gangster.Bella falls for Edward but he is to cool and to ethical to sleep with a client and then she tries to kill him but Edward is to cool and fast to die, he finds Jacob and we are never really sure if Bella and Jacob get back together because it all ends with Edward smoking a cigarette and thinking about the futile nature of things even though it seems like he is just staring out at the pier.


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## Persephone (Nov 14, 2009)

*Shakespeare*: Edward Cullen falls in love with Bella Swan and the Vampires and Humans decide they just couldn't have it. The humans try to marry Bella off to Jacob, who seems like a good guy and is completely obsessed with her. Edward picks a fight with Jacob and kills him, and is banished by the Volturi. During his exile, he sulks and like Bella, mopes around like a zombie and because he believes Bella died, he went to off himself. When Bella realizes that it was too late and he has driven a stake through his own heart. Frustrated that he didn't get to make her a vampire and thus make her hot forever, Bella decides she might as well die.

Incredible sonnets would make this melodrama tolerable.


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## fotomoose (Sep 21, 2011)

Richard Dawkins - Bella is delusional and vampires are an invention of man made up to satisfy our need to worship something.


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## Iustinus (Jun 13, 2012)

Jean-Paul Sartre: Bella, Edward, and Jacob are trapped in a 1950s-esque living room. Bella loves Jacob, Jacob loves Edward, and Edward loves Bella. Chaos ensues as they try to tolerate each other's presence. Finally, Edward shouts, "Hell is other people!"

Carl Sagan: We must step back and observe the grandeur of affection between woman and vampire. Love, a mechanism woven by the fingers of evolution, is cast in an almost preternatural role. But evolution's tapestry was not perfect. Werewolf also felt that concupiscence; violence ensued. What was once an advocate of survival turned deadly. And in the grand scheme of the cosmos, this was nothing spectacular.


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## Antipode (Jul 8, 2012)

The best twilight parody is: Rifftrax Twilight. 

If anyone has ever watched Mystery Science Theater 3000, these are the same guys and they make running commentaries on new movies now. The Twilight series and the Matrix series are some of their best works!


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## DomNapoleon (Jan 21, 2012)

LOL Shakespeare would say 'Out, Out brief candle - Life's but a walking shadow!' in the end...


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## Aya the Abysswalker (Mar 23, 2012)

H.P. Lovecraft's _Twilight

_Bella is a normal girl that falls in love with Edward a vampire. One day he takes her home where she discovers the truth about vampires, they're actually Cthulhu's worshippers. Upon discovering the truth about the Elder Gods, she goes insane and is imprisoned in a mental hospital after Edward is killed by Jacob who is actually Nyarlathotep.
Twist open ending.


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## Ayia (Feb 27, 2012)

fotomoose said:


> Richard Dawkins - Bella is delusional and vampires are an invention of man made up to satisfy our need to worship something.


You just made my day


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## Krelian91 (May 2, 2012)

_...and while Edward was biting her, sucking away her life blood and slowly killing her with an expression of pure bliss even after he promised that he would never hurt her, Bella finally learned that life was not a song.

The End


_A Game of Vampires by George R.R. Martin


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