# Advice on how to be a 'Good' Friend?



## cityofcircuits (Nov 8, 2010)

I wonder at times whether or not I'm a 'good' friend. 'Good' can be subjective though. One of my friends can have completely different standards on how good a friend I am vs. another friend. 
What makes one a good friend than? 

*The reasons I wonder if I am a good friend*:

1.) I am frequently late or absent from doing things with friends
2.) I don't take care to notice any shift in my friends behaviors and bother to ask 'What's Wrong?'
3.) I don't always get back right away messaging: whether through text, email, on Perc. etc.....
4.) I'm far too often in my own 'world' and miss things around me. Example: a friend has issues with money. I'm at a book store and notice a book on how to control money. It never dawns on me at the time to get a book like that to help a friend. I'm not conscious of their needs or how I can help most the time. I may notice much later on but I don't bother to go out of my way to correct it.

Do I just not care? I know I care about my friends and do many other wonderful things for them and with them and I'm a pretty good non-judgemental listener. I'm loyal to these individuals no matter what. But I wonder if I actually care about them considering my faults.....

Am I lazy with my friendships? Is being concerned or lost in my own 'world' or 'self' all the time truly just 'seflish'?
Do i focus on myself more than others around me? Is this my Fi to an unbalanced extreme?

I've been doing some thinking on it lately trying to figure out if I am a bad friend and how to fix it.....
I'm scared to actually ask my friends if I am a bad friend though......I'm worried what they'd actually say

Any advice would be great......I want some perspective on friendships, good or bad.


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## Word Dispenser (May 18, 2012)

cityofcircuits said:


> I wonder at times whether or not I'm a 'good' friend. 'Good' can be subjective though. One of my friends can have completely different standards on how good a friend I am vs. another friend.
> What makes one a good friend than?
> 
> *The reasons I wonder if I am a good friend*:
> ...


Did any of your friends complain about your treatment of them? If so, that's a good start. 

If not, maybe you should ask them directly if they think that you're a good friend. 

If not, then try to take their advice to change for the better. 

Some things we simply can't change about ourselves, however much we try, though. It's a really good friend that can accept you for these flaws despite, and sometimes, in spite of that.


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## StElmosDream (May 26, 2012)

@ *cityofcircuits*

Are you sure your friend even seeks your support in the ways you feel lacking or whether or not just your wondering what makes you a better person?


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## cityofcircuits (Nov 8, 2010)

@Word Dispenser

None of my friends have really complained to me. But I'm still unsure if they have cause to. Maybe they are accepting of my flaws I suppose.
If anything I did truly bothered them I'd assume they'd say something.
@StElmosDream

Maybe they don't seek my support and if that's the case that bothers me. Because it says alot about me.
I am wondering about my own flaws in general, but for now I seem only concerned with them in relation to my friendships.
I don't seem as mad at myself for things, as much as i should, but I'm curious how that's affecting my friends. If at all.
Maybe they're fine with who I am and that's great but I'm a bit more envious of others now who are more thoughtful and considerate.
Also, I'm wondering if i keep my friends at bay on a personal level for some reason and I'm realizing I don't have any 'deep' friendships.
That things are just too shallow. That I'm just the friend to have fun with and nothing deeper.


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## StElmosDream (May 26, 2012)

@* cityofcircuits*

Difficult to say from practically 1000's of miles away. There are many possibilities for this change of heart such as maturing past the 'life is a game' phase into seeking more meaningful things, questioning if the company you keep really reflects your personality, questioning if your really where you want to be in life compared to 5 years ago, or possibly even wondering if something is missing e.g real commitments, a higher 'caring quota' or children (?).

Or as you suggested indirectly, your social world may somehow be moving on while your still standing in the same spot, never fully able to see the entire picture or people as much as you'd like in terms of personal development (not a theory just a perspective mirror image of your ideas summed up).

*All guesses since I must be honest and admit never seeing you post more than a personal picture, then again I hardly post on other non- INFJ forums.*


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## VictoriaB (Apr 29, 2012)

cityofcircuits said:


> I wonder at times whether or not I'm a 'good' friend. 'Good' can be subjective though. One of my friends can have completely different standards on how good a friend I am vs. another friend.
> What makes one a good friend than?
> 
> *The reasons I wonder if I am a good friend*:
> ...



On the other end of the fence. For the past two or three months I have been evaluating if my 'friends' are in fact good friends or not. And making adjustments accordingly. 


The main thing that I struggled with was if they:

-Wished good things upon me.
-Where loyal and trusting.
-Also caring and conciderate.
-And interested in what I had to say, not just what they had to.

The friends I chose to stay in contact with are all of these things. So in my own opinion if you are these things towards them, _then you're doing alright Bro.
_


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## devoid (Jan 3, 2011)

I don't think there's really a general "good friend" description any more than there's a universal description for the perfect partner. If your friends are all kind of like you then wouldn't they be fine with that? I mean, if all of your friends are super-involved party animals that need attention all the time, then I guess you're being a bad friend for them. There are a lot of different people in the world who all need different things in a friend, and if you've found the ones who appreciate you as you are then you must have done something right.


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## Fleetfoot (May 9, 2011)

Maybe instead of being the friend they have fun with, you're the friend that's there for them to cheer them up when they have a bad day or faced with difficulties in life. Maybe they don't like discussing problems with other people and prefer to fix them internally.

Instead of focusing on whether or not you're a good friend, analyze what you do in action the next few times you interact with them, and act accordingly to whatever feels natural to you. 

Every friend has their own flaws. I have my own with my friends, even some qualities that I don't see as flaws at all. It's all relative. Just be who you want to be, be the change that you want to see towards your friends if that is what you most desire.


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## cityofcircuits (Nov 8, 2010)

@devoid

I agree about the lack of a universal good friend description. Every friendship has it's .....own merit and everyone has different values they appreciate in a friendship. I guess my friends do accept me as is and obviously enjoy my company. But sometimes some friends discuss things and i won't know whats going on with that incident for some time later. I feel left out of more 'important' issues with them and I'm seeing a pattern of it across the board. Maybe they don't think I'm 'deep' enough for it idk........i think I'm slotted as the 'fun' friend or something but I'm realizing I want to be more than that.....
@Tawanda

Thanx. Yeah i guess i do a good job cheering them up and making them laugh. I am a good friend to hang with if they're down or stressed out.
Despite things i think i need to improve on as a friend, i should in the meantime appreciate what I'm doing naturally as a friend and fulfill that role.


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## devoid (Jan 3, 2011)

I totally understand that feeling. Often times friends will leave you out of important things when they feel like you aren't participating as much. If you want to feel "in the loop" when things come up, you should try to actively involve yourself in their personal lives a bit more. That doesn't necessarily mean being there all the time or asking "what's wrong"; it just means that when your friend says something's bothering them, try to comfort them or relate to them in some way and make sure they know that you're available to lean on. Saying something as simple as, "Would you like to talk about it?" can make people feel much more inclined to open up to you. Patience here is key.

Also, I love your signature! I want to watch that movie again. ;_;


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## cityofcircuits (Nov 8, 2010)

@devoid

Right and thanx.

Howl's Moving Castle is one of my faves....
And the signature signifies discovery of something special.


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## devoid (Jan 3, 2011)

cityofcircuits said:


> @devoid
> 
> Right and thanx.
> 
> ...


Oo, what something special did you discover that stole your heart?


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## cityofcircuits (Nov 8, 2010)

@devoid

It's a secret
Just like Howl.....


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