# How and What to talk about with a very INTROVERTED INFP???



## Moseyonover (Mar 14, 2014)

I'm an INFJ, and I'm all in love with an INFP.. 

Sometimes when we have text conversations, i can sense his disinterest.. 

How can I engage him to that its not so terribly dry or uninteresting??

What do INFP's like to talk about?


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## Syvelocin (Apr 4, 2014)

Themselves.
It sounds a bit more narcissistic than I think it really is but if you show any interest in my inner world I will talk your ear off about it, after testing the waters to tell if you're really interested or just making conversation. You're interested, in ME? You wouldn't care about that—WELL I'M WORKING ON THIS MUSICAL VLOG PROJECT RIGHT NOW...

I've conditioned myself so much to believe no one gives a darn about my life since I'm so self-centered that I've had to tone it down to camouflage with society that when someone is genuinely interested it's like, oh boy do I have some tales for you, bro.


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## OkayKay (May 12, 2012)

Syvelocin said:


> Themselves.
> It sounds a bit more narcissistic than I think it really is but if you show any interest in my inner world I will talk your ear off about it, after testing the waters to tell if you're really interested or just making conversation. You're interested, in ME? You wouldn't care about that—WELL I'M WORKING ON THIS MUSICAL VLOG PROJECT RIGHT NOW...
> 
> I've conditioned myself so much to believe no one gives a darn about my life since I'm so self-centered that I've had to tone it down to camouflage with society that when someone is genuinely interested it's like, oh boy do I have some tales for you, bro.


True and false. 

For me I think I will talk at length about myself, not because I am narcissistic, but because I have so much passion for a cause or a hobby that I want you to know. If you could just keep the conversation going and know your stuff, it's definitely a huge plus. Then again, we can smell bullshit if you just talk for the sake of keeping the conversation going. If I feel you are genuinely concerned and interested, then it's something I will consider a lot.


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## Aelthwyn (Oct 27, 2010)

Sharing your feelings about something can be a good place to start, topic-wise, as most of us are good at relating to the common human experience of emotions which transcends differences of interests, knowledge-base, etc. 

Other than that, you just have to find out about his interests. With my INFP friends we have plenty to say about books and movies we liked, our shared interest in personality types, and with one of them our shared interest in writing. We share our thoughts and analysis about what we liked, or parts we would have preferred differently. We share ideas for our stories or other creative hobbies. Sometime's we'll also discuss opinions we _share_ about culture or school or religion - this usually happens from a hint at someone's opinion or a 'personal rant' moment and if the other person agrees then we'll discuss it enthusiastically, if not we'll usually keep it short and move on. You can always ask about hobbies, or what he likes to read. If that doesn't get you much, then share about some of your own interests and see if he takes the bait so to speak - that is, watch for a look of interest or the light of identification in his eyes. We aren't much for talking about things that don't seem important or relevant to us, but I think most of us can ramble a good deal once we're on a topic that is inspiring and significant to us personally.

Honestly, I think the most important part of getting an INFP to talk is making them feel safe and understood. It's vital to make sure they perceive you as being a non-judgemental listener. Most of us aren't likely to say much if we suspect you'll disapprove in some way. Another thing that makes us feel safe is when you share things that we relate with - if you've mentioned interests we share, or express opinions we agree with we'll feel assured that those topics are 'safe'. Most of us aren't likely to say much if we suspect that you won't be able to relate to what we have to say, so the more we see you have in common with us, the more likely we will be to feel like opening up is going to be worthwhile. For the very introverted, conversation is not to be wasted on anyone but the most important relationships, so if we don't perceive you as having the potential to be inner-circle/kindred-spirit material (a lot in common and minimal personality clash, or that special inexplicable spark of connection) we're just not going to waste effort on conversation. Giving us time to observe you and gage how accepting and similar we think you are is important.

While we do appreciate some questions to show that you actually do want to hear from us, being bombarded with many questions in a row can feel kind of like an attack, it's overwhelming and pushy. We're not going to feel like divulging much if you're not divulging anything yourself, so although you may be curious or trying to 'draw us out' with questions, sometimes it's actually more effective to just talk about yourself for a bit and let us listen. So long as you provide some pauses for us to interject, it's fairly likely that something you have said will spark a thought or personal memory and we'll share it _if we feel comfortable with you_. Sometimes we may be lost in thought for a while first though, so don't get too uncomfortable with the silence. I've found with my friends there are usually lulls in the conversation while we're exploring our thoughts, and then at length, if no one else has already filled the silence, we'll work up to how we want to present the thought and actually say it, it just takes more time than a lot of people are willing to wait for.


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## inherentlyN (May 24, 2014)

My best friend is a very introverted INFP. I think the best way to get an INFP to open up is to share yourself first. INFP's I find are very sympathetic listeners and are reluctant to share themselves without you opening up to them first. They have a lot of barriers that you have to slowly break away. Patience. 

Another thing INFP seem to be very good at is taking note of others kind and small actions. If you are generous with an INFP they seem to respond well by letting their guards down. I think if you want to pursue a relationship with an INFP you have to initiate a lot of the conversations at the beginning. And like the others have said make them feel understood and comfortable, I think in the core of all INFP's is wanting to feel understood.


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## Sangmu (Feb 18, 2014)

Talk about him and his feelings and his vision of the future. That's pretty much what INFPs are about. Feeling their Fi and projecting it into the future in creative ways.

Texting is an awful way to communicate. If it makes up the majority mode of communication in your relationship, beware. 

If your communication problems extend beyond texting then maybe you don't mesh well together, in an "mental connection" sense. That can happen irregardless of type.


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## adacis (Dec 30, 2012)

Definitely keep engaging conversation if the INFP is not initiating at all, that is if you're okay being the only one to make the effort. But the effort shouldn't last forever; keep engaging until you find out what it is the INFP likes. Ask what their interests are. Once you find out what they're passionate out, prod it further, then hopefully they'll talk and be just as interested as you, returning the effort.

I personally suggest to talk about yourself as well. Idk about other INFPs, but I'm way too aware of how I tend to talk about myself, so I try to shift some attention on the other person in conversation. I try to find something interesting about the other person to connect with and talk about. If it helps, I find myself really interested whenever someone tells an anecdote. Probably because of Ne-Si, because it likes to collect information for future resources. Si is our relief function, and then Ne to place ourselves in the anecdote, and in this way, we can conjure up a relation. The INFP in this situation may even start talking about their own experiences in relation to the topic, making way for even further connection.

That suggestion is probably too specific now, lol. Overall, keep talking, inquire about them to find interests, and talk about yourself and your own experiences so that they can find something they like about you, too.


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## SirRadioactiveFrog (Sep 8, 2015)

In general, people usually speak more if the conversation’s subject is about their interests. Every INFP is different, so you need to find out what your INFP likes to talk about. I don’t know that much about your situation and relationship with this INFP. He might be really introverted as you say, but without sounding too harsh, the reason why the conversation isn’t going very well might be due to other reasons, such as the chemistry between you (it’s really hard for me to tell, since I don’t have enough insight in your relationship).

Since you are both NFs, take advantages of your common traits. Stereotypically speaking, NFs are usually emotional, deep and caring dreamers. 

I am myself an INFP with an INFJ boyfriend, so I can talk a bit about my case, if it somehow can be to any help. My boyfriend is very introverted and sometimes a bit shy, while I, eventhough I’m an INFP, people often mistake me for being an ENFP, since I talk waaaaaay too much (my strongest trait is still introverted feeling, therefore I am very sure that I am an INFP). I was the one who needed to approach and start the conversations my INFJ in the beginning. He seemed pretty nice, so I asked him if wanted to meet sometime outside of school (I knew him through school), without being sure if I wanted to date him or just become better friends. We went on a few dates, and in the beginning we talked about basic stuff, like for example favourite colours, food, etc. We connected first by “normal” common interests, such as example we liked and disliked the same movies. After we were done with all background information about ourselves, we started to connect on a more deep level. We talked about our past, hopes, dreams about future, fears, emotions and then philosophical topics. He opened up in a way he had never done to anyone before. It felt like I was the only one who knew him to the core, which made me feel special. I talked with him about topics I never even dared to share with anyone, which is why he is the only one who really understands and knows me to the core. This made me dependent on him, and is one of millions of reasons why I need him in my life. I think connecting on a deeper level might be an INFP-thing (since we are often value seeking dreamers), so try to find out things about you INFP, that no one else knows about. Stereotypically, I think both INFPs and INFJs have a secret endless inner world, start exploring his world, and share your deeper thoughts with each other. If he is very introverted, you might need to build up enough trust between you two for him to feel comfortable and safe enough to share his inner world with you. 

I don’t know if I was helpful or if everything I said was completely bullshit hahah. 
To actually be more helpful, I need to know more about you, your INFP and your situation. 
Anyway, I wish you good luck with your INFP!


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## 318138 (Oct 1, 2015)

Find out his hobbies and interests. If I find someone who happens to have the same interests as me I'll never shut up


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## nichya (Jul 12, 2014)

" I think the best way to get an INFP to open up is to share yourself first." @inherentlyN wisest words ever. 

I love listen about people when they are open and warm, their childhood, their dreams, stars, their quirks, their theories about life, how they feel, how they feel like an outsider etc. etc.

Yes, I could talk nonstop about movies, music, tv shows, books, people I am really passionate about. I do like to talk about myself in anecdotes but usually that serves as a means to relate to the other person. I do like talking about my likes and ideas and hypothetical scenarios. I don't enjoy talking about myself that much when the questions are just not hitting a chord, like what I work on, how is school, work, what I plan for my future blah blah

Also, another thing that makes me feel closer to others is not only finding similar interests and likes but also finding common dislikes, say everything wrong with the society, if whatever makes you rage makes me rage that is love <3


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## Lakigigar (Jan 4, 2016)

Just don't talk about common things (like the weather (i like the weather but i don't like to talk about the weather because i'm not interested what for weather it is today, i'm only interested in extreme weather  ), no things where everyone talks about it, no unimportant things). Also don't ask difficult questions like (what do you do for work, what do you study, questions about the family, ... ). Don't ask things about (how you feel about ..., what do you do when you're angry). INFP's have a rich inner world, but they don't show it to the outer world and don't want to talk about it. 

Find their interests, and talk about it. I have a trick to know someone else. You'll always talk about the person where you talk about it and their interests (don't talk about yourself or your interests).

Be warm, open, gentle, attentive. Show that you're interested in it. They will say you don't have to do something special (but that's just a nature polite reaction). INFP's are ashamed when they are good treated but they like it. BUT important: don't do it in public because they won't like it anymore. So don't propose someone for a marriage in public. Never do it. They don't like it to be embarassed and show their inner world/feelings with everyone else.

Probably interests from an INFP are art, movies (fantasy), tv-shows, books, music, unique things, experiences, travelling, a search for something (the truth, a meaning), philosophing about life, about a lot of things. Nature. Psychology. Uncommon things. You can talk about a lot of things but you have to set the focus on this subjects (i guess).

They are not easy to handle/talk with, but that's why they're so special. And if you persevere, you'll find a rough vulnerable diamond inside him that's worth fighting for.


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