# Involved with a married woman



## Death Persuades (Feb 17, 2012)

I met this woman and we slowly became friends because we had a lot of the same interests and passtimes. Slowly we got a bit flirty and it has led to us spending time alone in my apartment and we cuddled today. No sex or kissing yet but I think she wants to, but I am trying to avoid it against my own desires. 

I really like this woman. She's everything I could want in someone, and more. But she's married. It makes me feel like shit that I could do that to another man. Regardless of what she thinks of him and the things he's done... I feel guilty. But I like it. Idk what to do or think and never imagined I'd be in this situation. 

Any advice or experiences?


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## jamaix (Sep 20, 2013)

Death Persuades said:


> I met this woman and we slowly became friends because we had a lot of the same interests and passtimes. Slowly we got a bit flirty and it has led to us spending time alone in my apartment and we cuddled today. No sex or kissing yet but I think she wants to, but I am trying to avoid it against my own desires.
> 
> I really like this woman. She's everything I could want in someone, and more. But she's married. It makes me feel like shit that I could do that to another man. Regardless of what she thinks of him and the things he's done... I feel guilty. But I like it. Idk what to do or think and never imagined I'd be in this situation.
> 
> Any advice or experiences?


There are details that perhaps you might be willing to reveal that would make it easier for those who wish to offer advice/suggestions.

For example:



Does she have children?
Is she wanting to end her marriage? Because an affair would likely do that.
Are you wanting something beyond a brief fling with her?
If you are interested in a relationship with her, would you trust her? If she cheated on her husband, wouldn't you wonder if she would do the same to you?

Personally I think it is a bad idea and wouldn't get involved with someone who was married. I believe it would be prudent to think about the potential ramifications for you and her. Especially if there are children involved.

I've never had personal experience, but I've seen others in similar situations. A common problem is trust, especially for those who try to build a lasting relationship.


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## Zelz (Dec 29, 2014)

Death Persuades said:


> I feel guilty.
> 
> Any advice or experiences?


Guilt means you know it's wrong. Guilt can haunt you for life. 

Advice: Run. She's in a low point in her life. She's attracted to you not because of what you think.


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## Impavida (Dec 29, 2011)

At the end of my marriage, I went looking for an affair. There were a lot of problems in my marriage, but there were no big dramatic issues and I had a hard time ending it without a reason that I could point to. I wanted to be able to point to something and say "that's why I had to end it." I never actually did have an affair, but I would have latched onto anyone who showed me any affection or attention at that stage.

What this woman feels for you right now is very different than what you feel for her. She may convince herself that any feelings she has for you are real, but they probably aren't. If she does leave her husband, it is unlikely that your relationship with this woman will last. If you are looking for a long term relationship, it is very unlikely that you're going to find it with this person.


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## Zelz (Dec 29, 2014)

Impavida said:


> She may convince herself that any feelings she has for you are real, but they probably aren't. If she does leave her husband, it is unlikely that your relationship with this woman will last. If you are looking for a long term relationship, it is very unlikely that you're going to find it with this person.


Word... It hit the nail in the head...... Thanks for sharing your experience.


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## Rascal01 (May 22, 2016)

A person who is very unhappy in marriage is emotionally unstable. She is filling a void with you and may use you as a means to end her marriage. Once free of her bonds she may opt to stay single, leaving you without the person you desire. She may join you in a relationship while the dust settles, gather her wits, then move on. Your marriage to her, if that happens, could lack a solid foundation.

A better course of action might be for her to end her marriage, if she so desires, of her own free will. When that is done the two of you can discuss the future.

If you have sex with her now, and it is as fulfilling as you think it may be, you are going to be "on the hook" and your judgement will be impeded. Prudence is important at this point.

I suspect that even if her husband loathes her, and learns that you have had sex with her, you will have an enemy who may opt to act. If he loves her, he may look you up in earnest.

Your future is in your hands. You are going to have to live with yourself for the rest of your life. Watch out for your own interests as you are making decisions that will align the rest of your life.


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## bruh (Oct 27, 2015)

Death Persuades said:


> I met this woman and we slowly became friends because we had a lot of the same interests and passtimes. Slowly we got a bit flirty and it has led to us spending time alone in my apartment and we cuddled today. No sex or kissing yet but I think she wants to, but I am trying to avoid it against my own desires.
> 
> I really like this woman. She's everything I could want in someone, and more. But she's married. It makes me feel like shit that I could do that to another man. Regardless of what she thinks of him and the things he's done... I feel guilty. But I like it. Idk what to do or think and never imagined I'd be in this situation.
> 
> Any advice or experiences?


Step 1: Dont do this.


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## Witch of Oreo (Jun 23, 2014)

Death Persuades said:


> I met this woman and we slowly became friends because we had a lot of the same interests and passtimes. Slowly we got a bit flirty and it has led to us spending time alone in my apartment and we cuddled today. No sex or kissing yet but I think she wants to, but I am trying to avoid it against my own desires.
> 
> I really like this woman. She's everything I could want in someone, and more. But she's married. It makes me feel like shit that I could do that to another man. Regardless of what she thinks of him and the things he's done... I feel guilty. But I like it. Idk what to do or think and never imagined I'd be in this situation.
> 
> Any advice or experiences?


Six years of LDR with married woman, reporting in.
By all means, don't do it. It will NOT go well.
Not unless she is already absolutely set on leaving her man. If you are that close with her, you probably have at least some idea about that.
If not - chances are high she still loves her husband and, perhaps, just needs you for something else. Filling in for something she doesn't get from her husband.
Besides, I noticed you didn't elaborate on her behavior. Getting "flirty" and cuddling is not exactly a solid indicator. Do you have any strong reason to assume she is romantically interested in you?
If yes, then it's certainly a topic you need to discuss with her.
If not, I recommend you just get over your feelings. Accept that she is not interested in you and continue with friendship, or break it off if you can't bear it. Your call.


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## Death Persuades (Feb 17, 2012)

jamaix said:


> There are details that perhaps you might be willing to reveal that would make it easier for those who wish to offer advice/suggestions.
> 
> For example:
> 
> ...


She does have a child.
She wants a divorce.
At this point I'm really confused and idk what I want from this.
She's been with him since she was very young and is now mid 30s, so it's been a while. I think I could let pass an affair here or there after so many years.. I know humans are not naturally monogamous.

At this point we're not really looking for anything serious. She just doesn't get attention at home. I can see now this isn't going to be a long term thing but I still enjoy her company...





ursi said:


> Guilt means you know it's wrong. Guilt can haunt you for life.
> 
> Advice: Run. She's in a low point in her life. She's attracted to you not because of what you think.



I don't KNOW it's wrong, I mean it's questionable, but I do FEEL like I am betraying her husband, regardless of him being a jerk.





Impavida said:


> At the end of my marriage, I went looking for an affair. There were a lot of problems in my marriage, but there were no big dramatic issues and I had a hard time ending it without a reason that I could point to. I wanted to be able to point to something and say "that's why I had to end it." I never actually did have an affair, but I would have latched onto anyone who showed me any affection or attention at that stage.
> 
> What this woman feels for you right now is very different than what you feel for her. She may convince herself that any feelings she has for you are real, but they probably aren't. If she does leave her husband, it is unlikely that your relationship with this woman will last. If you are looking for a long term relationship, it is very unlikely that you're going to find it with this person.


I realized that. We've been spending a lot of time together and it got more intimate than cuddling. no sex. I just really enjoy her company and it's real hard to say no when she asks to come over...



Rascal01 said:


> A person who is very unhappy in marriage is emotionally unstable. She is filling a void with you and may use you as a means to end her marriage. Once free of her bonds she may opt to stay single, leaving you without the person you desire. She may join you in a relationship while the dust settles, gather her wits, then move on. Your marriage to her, if that happens, could lack a solid foundation.
> 
> A better course of action might be for her to end her marriage, if she so desires, of her own free will. When that is done the two of you can discuss the future.
> 
> ...


One of the things we had in common is psychiatric disorders. The same ones, in fact. So yes, she's unstable, but so am I lol. I do agree with the last three paragraphs but even though I know these things it's really hard not wanting to spend time with her.



bruh said:


> Step 1: Dont do this.


I can try not to :sad:



slowcoffee said:


> Six years of LDR with married woman, reporting in.
> By all means, don't do it. It will NOT go well.
> Not unless she is already absolutely set on leaving her man. If you are that close with her, you probably have at least some idea about that.
> If not - chances are high she still loves her husband and, perhaps, just needs you for something else. Filling in for something she doesn't get from her husband.
> ...


She wants a divorce, but even if she does get a divorce I don't see this being anything past a fling. 

Thanks all for your input. I guess we'll find out how much willpower I have.


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## angelfish (Feb 17, 2011)

@Death Persuades... What others have said is true... her feelings and actions towards you right now are much more about her than about you. You're not _you_ in her life... you're the alternative. You're an escape, you're fun, you're no-strings-attached, you're no pressure, you're nothing to lose. She probably does feel genuine attraction to you, but I doubt she really deeply values you for the person you really are at heart. I think you are more of a tool for her to deal with her issues. If you're ok with that... I guess keep on keeping on. But I think you deserve better. If you can muster the willpower, I think you'd be better off to just end it swiftly and gently and not look back until she has divorce papers in her hands. IME she's not in any real position to be in a balanced, positively growing pairing with anyone right now.


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## Tropes (Jul 7, 2016)

Death Persuades said:


> Thanks all for your input. I guess we'll find out how much willpower I have.


If willpower is what you think you'll need, then you are looking at it from the wrong perspective.

Think about what she's doing, think what it means about her as a person, to treat loved ones this way. Imagine yourself doing that to someone you loved - the guilt that you'd feel - this is what she genuinely is guilty for. That's what she is. She might be nice, sexy and be able to rationalize it through her problems in her relationships, but judging her actions as you'd judge a person, judging by the fact this is even an option for you, she's not a decent person you should want in your life. You don't need willpower to get away from her, you should need willpower to not openly say "Ew" when she touches your skin.


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## The Dude (May 20, 2010)

Don't let this be you...





You know it is wrong, and it will lead to some drama that no sane person wants. I'd tell her the truth...you're attracted to her, but you can't be with a married woman.


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## Shinsei (May 9, 2016)

You don't won't to go this route


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## Vitamin (Nov 3, 2015)

Death Persuades said:


> I met this woman and we slowly became friends because we had a lot of the same interests and passtimes. Slowly we got a bit flirty and it has led to us spending time alone in my apartment and we cuddled today. No sex or kissing yet but I think she wants to, but I am trying to avoid it against my own desires.
> 
> I really like this woman. She's everything I could want in someone, and more. But she's married. It makes me feel like shit that I could do that to another man. Regardless of what she thinks of him and the things he's done... I feel guilty. But I like it. Idk what to do or think and never imagined I'd be in this situation.
> 
> Any advice or experiences?


Run. Now. As far as you can!


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## Death Persuades (Feb 17, 2012)

It's over with her. You think something is no strings attached but even so I still feel like I should have avoided it altogether because now I realize I was falling for her.


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## OrangeAppled (Jun 26, 2009)

Death Persuades said:


> I met this woman and we slowly became friends because we had a lot of the same interests and passtimes. Slowly we got a bit flirty and it has led to us spending time alone in my apartment and we cuddled today. No sex or kissing yet but I think she wants to, but I am trying to avoid it against my own desires.
> 
> I really like this woman. *She's everything I could want in someone, and more.* But she's married. It makes me feel like shit that I could do that to another man. Regardless of what she thinks of him and the things he's done... I feel guilty. But I like it. Idk what to do or think and never imagined I'd be in this situation.
> 
> Any advice or experiences?


You want someone who is dishonest, disloyal, selfish and perhaps too much a coward to face her reality and deal with it directly?
You want someone who uses others to feel good about themselves?

I realize you ended it, but just something to think about. I suspect you want and deserve much better than that.

FYI, cheating people are never going to paint their spouse to be a saint. And whatever their spouse's faults, the noble thing is for them to deal with it, whether that is resolving the problems constructively or ending the marriage _before_ dragging someone else into it.


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## Death Persuades (Feb 17, 2012)

OrangeAppled said:


> You want someone who is dishonest, disloyal, selfish and perhaps too much a coward to face her reality and deal with it directly?
> You want someone who uses others to feel good about themselves?
> 
> I realize you ended it, but just something to think about. I suspect you want and deserve much better than that.
> ...


Well, I know her husband... Hence the guilt. We're not friends but I know him and have been to their house. Ate with them... I think that's where all the guilt was coming from. Like I was stabbing him in the back. He is very controlling and manipulative, and kind of a jerk. I was going to NA meetings and he found out and started making mean comments about addicts. 

Anyway, I like her pretty much all over. Even if she cheats. I could have an open relationship especially with my low sex drive. So long as my partner be open with me about it. But at the same time Idk... I guess I was single for so long the first woman to show interest in me, I became weak. But It had to stop cause we were both feeling pretty guilty and during a mescaline trip it all came out and we just talked about it and both of us decided it was for the best if we stopped. We're still friends but that's it. Plus she's much older than I am so she probably just saw me as a young piece of meat. :/


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## ninjahitsawall (Feb 1, 2013)

Rascal01 said:


> A better course of action might be for her to end her marriage, if she so desires, of her own free will. When that is done the two of you can discuss the future.


That's what I was thinking, that and the "tell her how you feel but that you can't be with her" post. If she wants a divorce then this could also have left a window open for you to see how she really feels after the divorce & her "recovery" are out of the equation. Since you already ended it though.. never mind I guess. (Except that if you stay friends you can probably wait and see on that anyway).


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## Death Persuades (Feb 17, 2012)

ninjahitsawall said:


> That's what I was thinking, that and the "tell her how you feel but that you can't be with her" post. If she wants a divorce then this could also have left a window open for you to see how she really feels after the divorce & her "recovery" are out of the equation. Since you already ended it though.. never mind I guess. (Except that if you stay friends you can probably wait and see on that anyway).


She wants to try and fix her marriage. Besides we're not as similar as I once thought. I was just seeing through rose colored glasses, I suppose. I was attracted to her and I just found the small things in which we were similar but ignored everything else.


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## LibertyPrime (Dec 17, 2010)

*EJECT BEFORE YOU CRASH ASAP!*


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