# TW: How common is sexual abuse?



## snail (Oct 13, 2008)

It occurs to me that I only know maybe one or two adult women who haven't been sexually abused in some manner, and for all I know, they just aren't telling me. Most people tend not to mention it at first, but at some point, usually after I have told them about being repeatedly raped by an abusive boyfriend (now an ex), they usually begin to open up about all kinds of disturbing things that have happened to them. Some were molested as children, some were raped by friends or family, some were groped by strangers, some have been threatened or coerced into unwanted sexual acts by controlling boyfriends. In most cases, the abuser was someone they trusted and was an act of betrayal. 

It is almost unheard of for anyone to have made it to adulthood without having had such experiences. Talking about it can be hard because we tend to be blamed or disbelieved when people find out. Of all of the people I have known who were sexually abused (this includes rape, molestation, or other non-consensual touching) only a few ever tried to seek legal support because the risks often outweigh the benefits. Rapists and molesters are almost never treated as serious criminals unless they are also murderers, and the act of seeking justice can be traumatic for the victim even in the rare cases where s/he is not accused of lying or provoking the assault. If the perpetrator is a family member, the victim may even be seen as the source of family conflicts and may be told by a parent that s/he is bad for accusing the perpetrator. There are plenty of reasons we remain silent when it happens.

This isn't just about women, either. I have known men who were raped, some by adult authority figures while they were still children, some by other men or by sexist girlfriends who couldn't imagine any man not wanting it. I don't hear about it happening to men as often as I hear about it happening to women, but this could be because being a male victim carries with it a terrible stigma that makes talking about sexual abuse (or any other kind of abuse) especially difficult. 

For every woman who hears (or remains silent because she fears hearing), "You deserved it for being a tease," or "You're just making this up to get attention," it is possible that there is a man is afraid of being told, "There is something wrong with you for not enjoying it," or "A real man wouldn't have let it happen." Victim-blaming attitudes make it hard for people to talk about sexual abuse, so knowing how common it is becomes difficult.


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## Fear Itself (Feb 20, 2013)

This is one of my biggest and most intense hates. I know far too many people who have been sexually abused in their lifetimes, including family members. It honestly sickens me to the core. I however have not been sexually abused.


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## Alles_Paletti (May 15, 2013)

Pretty shocking if these limited votes are an accurate representation... 

I kinda hope it's not a good representation as it says more women on this forum _have_ been abused than not .

On the other hand, I know it's much more than you'd think (I believe in the Netherlands, about 1 in 10 has been abused in one research) which was already shocking to me. 

We truly still live in a misogynistic world.

EDIT: Though I have to say there is one thing that bothers me now I think about it; older gay guys seem to be coming on to me a lot - don't really find it abuse just really really uncomfortable. Giving them the death stare doesn't seem to work. Although if one would really touch me I'd knock him out for sure.


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## mushr00m (May 23, 2011)

I got leered at this morning by some greasy 45 year old guy when walking to my p/t job. He actually stopped to stare at me even though I was dressed highly inconspicuously, long sleeved top and fairly baggy jeans. It felt like he was raping me with his eyes. I stopped and stared back whilst he reluctantly walked on staring back at me grinning. This is a fairly common occurrence. I have been sexually assaulted before more than once.


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## muffleupagus (May 14, 2013)

From what I can tell, more females are abused than not. The amount of males abused seems to be significantly less, though still higher than many would suspect. 

I think it's foolish to look the other way on this issue. If it's this common, it needs to be addressed. 

Personally, I think the abuse is due to repression. I think it exists to the extent that the culture disallows kids to be kids, and to explore their sexuality as it naturally arises. I think if we were more honest with our selves growing up, and as young adults, as to our preferences, and potential mates, we'd all be getting more action, and the weakest of us wouldn't resort to stupid things like this. 

Let kids kiss, hold hands, and fondle if they want. Let teenagers bang, and give them protection. Let young adults settle with reasonable expectations. Do all of this, and watch sexual abuse fade away in a generation or so.


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## Aenye (Jul 13, 2013)

snail said:


> It occurs to me that I only know maybe one or two adult women who haven't been sexually abused in some manner, and for all I know, they just aren't telling me. Most people tend not to mention it at first, but at some point, usually after I have told them about being repeatedly raped by an abusive boyfriend (now an ex), they usually begin to open up about all kinds of disturbing things that have happened to them. Some were molested as children, some were raped by friends or family, some were groped by strangers, some have been threatened or coerced into unwanted sexual acts by controlling boyfriends. In most cases, the abuser was someone they trusted and was an act of betrayal.
> 
> For every woman who hears (or remains silent because she fears hearing), "You deserved it for being a tease," or "You're just making this up to get attention," it is possible that there is a man is afraid of being told, "There is something wrong with you for not enjoying it," or "A real man wouldn't have let it happen." Victim-blaming attitudes make it hard for people to talk about sexual abuse, so knowing how common it is becomes difficult.



Considering your terrible experience, could you tell us how to recognize a potential rapist? Are they outright aggressive or passive-aggressive? Is there something in their behavior that is indicator of their maliciousness?


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## snail (Oct 13, 2008)

Aenye said:


> Considering your terrible experience, could you tell us how to recognize a potential rapist? Are they outright aggressive or passive-aggressive? Is there something in their behavior that is indicator of their maliciousness?


They seem just like anyone else, as far as I can tell. I wish there were an easy way to know.


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## Bricolage (Jul 29, 2012)

Alles_Paletti said:


> Pretty shocking if these limited votes are an accurate representation...
> 
> I kinda hope it's not a good representation as it says more women on this forum _have_ been abused than not .
> 
> ...


Without the word "to" between on and me that sentence totally changes.


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## Quernus (Dec 8, 2011)

Aenye said:


> Considering your terrible experience, could you tell us how to recognize a potential rapist? Are they outright aggressive or passive-aggressive? Is there something in their behavior that is indicator of their maliciousness?


Okay. I'm not the OP but I just want to say. There is no way to really know for sure. Most rapists just seem like everyone else. You're also more likely to be raped by someone you know than by a stranger. Sometimes you might just get kind of a "feeling" or a vibe about someone, but you're gonna wanna stay away from guys who seem like womanizers anyway (seeming to be all about the impressions they make, picking women up, not REALLY listening to them but rather just kind of "targeting" them). But this only counts for a small percentage of people who rape, and plus some guys who do this are just sleazes but don't rape. You really can't know.

My intention in writing this isn't to sound paranoid or to try to scare anyone, lol. It's just that there are so many misconceptions about rape, and so much victim-blaming that goes on, so I immediately try to dispel anything that might hint at the notion that a rape is someone the victim's fault because it might not have happened had she just done/known something different. (Not saying YOU were saying that, by any means, but that might be what some people take from it)


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## Who (Jan 2, 2010)

If someone showing you porn way before you're old enough to understand what you're even looking at counts as sexual abuse, I have been. No one ever touched me or anything, though.


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## mrkedi (Nov 19, 2009)

well, I have been grouped few time and molested once...


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## CaptSwan (Mar 31, 2013)

Unfortunately, there have been women who have been sexually abused. I can only hope there aren't others...


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