# Having Difficulty with Lack of Motivation and Drive



## Lord Xephere (Jan 20, 2010)

I thought I would post this in this section. I'm having difficulty with being self-motivated and taking action towards anything. I have sat stagnant for the last few years of my life doing absolutely nothing and I cannot motivate myself to do anything no matter what it is. I barely even do unimportant things like, play video games or post on these forums anymore. I was even struggling to make this post. Most of the time it feels like I want to do absolutely nothing. It's almost like I avoid anything that I have the slightest doubts about, or things that I feel are too demanding, which feels like almost everything. Anything that I start doing just feels like a chore to me.

The strange thing is that any small task that I'm asked to do around the house like taking the trash out, cleaning the cat's litter box, vacuuming, washing dishes, etc. are things I do effortlessly and have no problem with. It's the larger career related tasks that are problems for me. For example, I've recently been interested in the thought of being a television writer, creating my own anime series, and also writing a screenplay for a movie. The thought of channeling my daydreams, feelings and thoughts into something creative that can captivate and emotionally move others is appealing to me. However, I cannot get myself to do anything about this.

I have a problem with this thing called Maladaptive Daydreaming. This is a disorder that causes people to daydream and fantasize excessively. Most often instead of doing any tangible activity I just put on some music and just drift off. I create highly detailed worlds and scenarios in my head. At the end of the day this is the only thing I feel like doing and at the same time I guilty because I know I should be doing something else. I should be able to write these things down, but anytime I make an attempt at doing it, I draw a blank. 

If someone can shed some light on my behavior and how I can change it, I would greatly appreciate it. I just want to know what I can do to become more productive and self-motivated.


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## Maker of helmets (Sep 8, 2014)

You write beautifully, I think you need the confidence to know it 
is POSSIBLE for your ways of thinking and feeling to translate 
into something genuinely fruitful and productive, and I think it is!


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## DAPHNE XO (Jan 16, 2012)

You sound like you are suffering from depression to be honest, but I'd need more information on your background first.
Are you in education, work or training?

It seems like you feel like you don't have any reason to do anything, so you put off doing almost everything.


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## yippy (May 21, 2014)

@Lord Xephere Maladaptive Daydreaming is more often than not a response to (severe) trauma. The world you physically lived in became (or still is) so horrible that your psyche needed to retreat from it all. Creating fantasy worlds where live is so much better and happier, so happy in fact that your psyche is rather stuck there than taking actions in real life. Because why would it want to be in a world where only horrible stuff happens? 

IF this is the case with you, because Maladaptive Daydreaming can have other causes to my knowledge, you should get rid of the trauma. In a lot of cases the trauma is the blockade. The trauma creates the disorder and the disorder is only a symptom of the trauma. 

Maybe you can see a professional who uses this technique: Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Science doesn't exactly know how and why this technique works, all science knows is that it shows loads of positive results. EMDR is an effective method of trauma treatment and it might help you out. 

I realize that you might enjoy these daydreams and that you perhaps view your daydreams as one of the (few?) positive points in your life. But when it gets in the way of your life, as it seems to be the case, you have to take responsibility for yourself and the people around you and try to adress the root of the problem. 

In the scenario that your Maladaptive Daydreaming is not caused by trauma I think its imperative that you try your very best to get out there in the world. Become active. If you are active (physically) there is less brainpower available to be active mentally. Some people say, somewhat jokingly perhaps, that gardening is a great source of therapy. Those people are in fact 100% right. You are busy with your hands, creating something in the physical world and by your actions you are connecting yourself to this world. Gardening is not the only activity that can accomplish this. There are loads of activities out there that make you focus so much on the activity itself that there's no time to start daydreaming.

Also: relay your focus to the physical world. Mindfullness might help you out here. This form is meditation/therapy is designed to focus yourself on the exact moment you live in. The exact sensations you are feeling now etc. Mindfulness - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia You can even practice mindfulness while doing chores! It's not hard to learn and I can say from personal experience that it helps. 

Good luck.


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## mikan (May 25, 2014)

Lord Xephere said:


> I cannot get myself to do anything about this.


You haven't mentioned any reason as to why you're behaving this way.
Are you feeling discouraged? Do you have any reasons why you can't act on them?
What is holding you back from doing them?

Seriously, get a job. You'll miss on a lot of things.


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## Lord Xephere (Jan 20, 2010)

@DaphneDelRey I'm 25 years old and I'm currently attending Community College. I did go to another community college straight after high school, which I didn't do so well in, so I left. Last year I made the decision to go back and major in English. 

My life has been extremely stressful and I have already been struggling with low self-esteem since I was a child. I always felt like I would have trouble functioning on my own and I have this belief that everything I attempt to do in real life would lead to some horrible outcome. I saw myself as incompetent and anything I feel the slightest bit of uncertainty or insecurity about, I avoid. I avoided getting important things like getting a job, or a drivers license for the longest time for this reason. I saw myself as incapable of functioning anywhere and would frustrate my boss and my co-workers, and get fired, which I would have to explain to my family. With driving, I feel that I would get into an accident or another horrible situation. 

@_yippy_ It definitely makes sense that my daydreaming came out of my need to withdraw into myself for protection from the world. I need the emotional connections, comfort and love that I don't get in real life. I've always feel unwanted, scared and confused in real life almost like I do not belong anywhere. I was also bullied and teased in school quite significantly from elementary school to a part of my time in high school. I also had some problems at home between my parents during the same time. During my much of high school and my first years of Community College, I pretty much internalized everything that I was told and believed that I was strange, socially awkward and hideous, and that people would just reject me, so I became a hermit and isolated myself from the world completely. When I first attended Community College, I think I was at my absolute worst and I think that's when I really started to get stuck in the pattern that I'm in now of being completely inactive and withdrawn. I was lonely and depressed and felt like I was losing my mind. I started a bit better the second time I attended Community College, but I'm still avoidant and fearful of nearly everything. 

I think I learned to cope with my uncertainties and insecurities by avoiding things that I feel anxiety about and I withdraw from the world. I have become completely consumed in my inner world, and any fantasy, whether it's my ideal society, ideal self, or my own future. When I daydream, fantasize about having a successful career as a revolutionary television cartoonist (creating, writing and voicing an anime cartoon), a screenwriter, a musician and sometimes a radio talk show host. 

I basically imagine being the ideal person that I wish I was, being smarter, more attractive, assertive/outspoken, street smart (I have no practical common sense and make the dumbest mistakes when doing anything physical, which makes me look quite ditzy to others), extroverted, and vocal about social injustices and a good storyteller. This has consumed much of my life and the strange thing is that I dream about so much, but it just stays as fantasy because of my insecurity of doing things in real life. I instantly lose momentum for things when I have to "get it out there" because that's when it gets scary for me.There have been times where I've tried to actually implement some of the things I fantasized about, like building an internet radio station, and lost enthusiasm for it quickly. I started to doubt myself and felt insecure about actually doing it and wasn't sure if I was capable of pulling it off, so I quit.

My not doing anything has led to frustration from family members and I have been lectured about this quite a bit for the last few years. I can't even explain to them why I've been doing this, because I feel like it won't make any sense to them. It doesn't make sense to me either. When someone has to lecture me about something as simple like pursuing my dreams and following my passion, it makes me feel awful, like a horrible person, because it should be a no-brainer. I should have an undying passion for something whether it's writing or anything for that matter and have an urge to do it non-stop, but I don't feel like I have a passion. I have tons of interests and things I think about like writing, and music but nothing that I can honestly call a passion. It's even worse that I only feel pressure to do something when someone talks to me about it. 

I don't want to be a slacker, or a dead-beat, and I'm not lazy, but I'm starting to seem like it to the people around me. I want to be self-motivated and fulfilled in life, but I'm caught in this strange behavioral pattern.

Thanks for your suggestions, yippy, I truly appreciate them. I will try both of the things that you've suggested. Mindfulness sounds extremely helpful to me because it helps you focus on your environment, which is something that I neglect the most. 

Sorry for the long post...


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## DAPHNE XO (Jan 16, 2012)

Okay, so you sound like someone who would be called an "Adult Child." Your symptoms are very similar to those who have grown up in incredibly abusive homes; either having lived through tonnes of neglect and/or emotional abuse and/or physical violence. The term is mainly used for children of severe alcoholics /children who grew up in severely dysfunctional families though, because they get a clusterfuck of all sorts of abusive behaviours thrown at them.

Anyway, the point to telling you this is that you definitely need to get into therapy. Your development (mainly social/emotional/psychological) has been stunted due perhaps(?) exposure to a dysfunctional family setting as a child.

You seriously need some help in this department. It's nothing to be ashamed of, tonnes of children grow up in situations that stunt their growth, which then end up manifesting themselves in the plethora of symptoms you mentioned. (Unfortunately, not all of them seek help for these symptoms preferring to bottle up their issues due to their fear of being exposed as a "worthless" human being or a "fraud" if they manage to reach any level of success in life.)

But anyway, do you think this is something you'd be willing to do? Talk to a therapist?
I wish you could see how common your symptoms are amongst many adults. The depression/apathy/anxiety/dissatisfaction, everything... it all makes sense.

Actually I could recommend an awesome book I've read on the subject but before I do, I'd need to know what kind of trauma was the most persistent as a child? Was it the bullying? You've not really said much about your parents unfortunately.

edit: My guess is, the anxiety of the world out there, and the frustration you feel at not being able to act "normal" so you withdraw, is what led to the depression. So the anxiety came first.

I just want to give you a hug to be honest


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## Lord Xephere (Jan 20, 2010)

Thanks so much @%1;. I read the link that you posted, and I can say that I definitely relate to the characteristics of an adult child. However, I think that what I'm going through may have more to do with my peers at school and what I went through with them, so I would say that the bullying was definitely my biggest problem. I had a good home life throughout much of my childhood and had good times with my family. It's just later that my parents had some problems between them and separated when I was a teen, which did upset me quite a bit, but it was school that was really bothering me. I had problems with my peers and it was so bad that I was home-schooled in the 2nd and 3rd grades. I think I was in junior high at about age 12 or 13, when the bullying continued to get worse. 

I have tried so hard to not think about this and not let these experiences bother me anymore. I just blocked this out of my mind, but this is probably still affecting me on a subconscious level. 

I can't afford an actual therapist right now, but there is a therapist at my school that I plan on talking to about this.


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## DAPHNE XO (Jan 16, 2012)

Lord Xephere said:


> Thanks so much @DaphneDelRey. I read the link that you posted, and I can say that I definitely relate to the characteristics of an adult child. However, I think that what I'm going through may have more to do with my peers at school and what I went through with them, so I would say that the bullying was definitely my biggest problem. I had a good home life throughout much of my childhood and had good times with my family. It's just later that my parents had some problems between them and separated when I was a teen, which did upset me quite a bit, but it was school that was really bothering me. I had problems with my peers and it was so bad that I was home-schooled in the 2nd and 3rd grades. I think I was in junior high at about age 12 or 13, when the bullying continued to get worse.
> 
> I have tried so hard to not think about this and not let these experiences bother me anymore. I just blocked this out of my mind, but this is probably still affecting me on a subconscious level.
> 
> I can't afford an actual therapist right now, but there is a therapist at my school that I plan on talking to about this.


Brilliant.

Although, I'm always a bit "mmm" when people are so quick to defend their families. I totally get why people do it, and I understand it's the "right" thing to do. And it's not that I don't believe you, but it's very unlikely constant bullying would result in such symptoms in your life had you had a stable, loving and caring family unit. You've mentioned your parents/family are very critical of your life choices and the fact that you can't manage to do anything successfully in their eyes... this constant criticism will knock anyone's self-esteem.

You've also mentioned your parents were divorced, and that bring a whole host of issues.

Either way, yes, therapy is the first step! Be sure to talk about the divorce and how that made you feel during the time.

Hopefully the therapist you meet with is competent.

Best of luck.


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## Lord Xephere (Jan 20, 2010)

DaphneDelRey said:


> Although, I'm always a bit "mmm" when people are so quick to defend their families. I totally get why people do it, and I understand it's the "right" thing to do. And it's not that I don't believe you, but it's very unlikely constant bullying would result in such symptoms in your life had you had a stable, loving and caring family unit. You've mentioned your parents/family are very critical of your life choices and the fact that you can't manage to do anything successfully in their eyes... this constant criticism will knock anyone's self-esteem.


Daphne, I appreciate your support. I didn't say that my parents were critical of my life choices. They are, understandably, confused and concerned that I'm 25 and still haven't made an attempt at doing anything with my life. I can understand how I come across as apathetic and uncaring, and I see how that can be frustrating. I know if I had a son that acted like this at this age, I would be concerned as well. I just wanted to clarify that.

Thanks again


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## DAPHNE XO (Jan 16, 2012)

Lord Xephere said:


> Daphne, I appreciate your support. I didn't say that my parents were critical of my life choices. They are, understandably, confused and concerned that I'm 25 and still haven't made an attempt at doing anything with my life. I can understand how I come across as apathetic and uncaring, and I see how that can be frustrating. I know if I had a son that acted like this at this age, I would be concerned as well. I just wanted to clarify that.
> 
> Thanks again


Sorry, I don't see you as any of those things!
You don't have to clarify anything to me, I don't know you or your family. You don't need to defend yourself to me, my opinion is literally irrelevant. Just do you, and hopefully work on creating some positive changes.


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## Lord Xephere (Jan 20, 2010)

DaphneDelRey said:


> Sorry, I don't see you as any of those things!
> You don't have to clarify anything to me, I don't know you or your family. You don't need to defend yourself to me, my opinion is literally irrelevant. Just do you, and hopefully work on creating some positive changes.


I truly appreciate your help. I didn't mean to be rude or anything. I will work on some of the things you suggested and start on some of my own projects as well. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## DAPHNE XO (Jan 16, 2012)

Lord Xephere said:


> I truly appreciate your help. I didn't mean to be rude or anything. I will work on some of the things you suggested and start on some of my own projects as well.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Okay, based on this comment, your self-esteem issues are apparent. You haven't offended me at all and you certainly haven't been rude. If anything, I might have been the one to offend you....

I think you grew up in an invalidating environment, and added to the bullying, and the loss of self-esteem makes sense. Ignore the undertones of abuser/abused - not every invalidating environment is chronically abusive, but every abusive relationship will be invalidating, if that makes sense?

edit: Here's another website for your perusal that explains exactly how invalidation leads to low self-esteem and identity issues.


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