# My husband's sex addiction



## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

HAL said:


> No wives are not supposed to behave like porn stars, and it isn't necessary anyway.
> 
> Personally, I look at shit tons of porn. When I've had sexual partners or relationships, sex frequency shoots through the roof and pornography becomes utterly unnecessary. And I don't demand porno-style sex acts. In fact most of the sex I've had has been very vanilla. Hell most of the girls I've been with didn't even like giving blowjobs! But still I was getting sex so porn became irrelevant.
> 
> ...


No, this is entirely wrong.
It is an addiction. Calling it a "need" is a great thing way to fuel an addiction. It is not a need.
Ejaculating frequently doesn't make you want it less, it makes you want it more. Just because the libido goes down, doesn't mean the mental comfort of thinking about it frequently is not gone.
If instead, he did it infrequently and focused on sex a lot less, he would achieve the same results and a clear mind.
If you don't think about sex all time, you won't want it all the time. It is highly psychological and it is highly addictive.
A lot of things people do are addictive.
Forget about pornography, masturbation itself.
There is obviously no physical need to ejaculate within that period, so the whole "need" argument is baloney.
If you want to reduce the urge to think about sexual things, you have to stop thinking about sexual things.
If you drink more alcohol and are satisfied, that is getting a fix, that isn't overcoming addiction and that is not fulfilling a need.

Though it is worth saying habit may actually be a better word. As long as you accept any consequences, if you see any.
Saying you "can't" delete videos sounds like a problem though, you might need administrator privileges.


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## Swordsman of Mana (Jan 7, 2011)

Intricate Mystic said:


> So wives are supposed to behave like porn stars to keep their husbands from looking at porn? I don't think pornography, which is a distortion of the sex act that is _performed_ solely for the sake of profit between people who could care less about each other and are frequently using drugs, should set any kind of standard for the sex that takes place in loving committed relationships.


while you just listed several reasons I don't like porn, the answer to your initial question is....a little. like, I wouldn't expect anyone to act like a porn star (I would probably judge them if they did), but both parties in a marriage have a responsibility to try to sexually satisfy their partner (making a reasonable effort at least).


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## Intricate Mystic (Apr 3, 2010)

Swordsman of Mana said:


> while you just listed several reasons I don't like porn, the answer to your initial question is....a little. like, I wouldn't expect anyone to act like a porn star (I would probably judge them if they did), *but both parties in a marriage have a responsibility to try to sexually satisfy their partner (making a reasonable effort at least)*.


Agreed. I would take this a step further and say that for those who want new ideas for their sex lives the Kama Sutra book gives practical suggestions on sexual intercourse and creative ways to do it. I suppose realistically there will most likely always be porn available online but the Kama Sutra could be a solution for those who want to avoid being consumers of porn and thus indirectly contributing to the abuse and negative consequences people employed the commercial porn industry may experience.


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## HAL (May 10, 2014)

Grandmaster Yoda said:


> No, this is entirely wrong.
> It is an addiction.


So do I have an addiction to chicken sweet and sour wraps because I buy one every day for lunch and look forward to doing so..?

No I do not.

Addiction means feelings of withdrawal and actual discomfort if it isn't there.

Remove porn access from a person's life; they won't be crippled with withdrawal symptoms like coming off smack or quitting smoking suddenly. There will be no physical feelings of pain that manifest themselves. There'll be no psychological burden where the next porn hit is desperately hunted. And during all this they'll still masturbate either way.

Porn is not addictive.

It's habit-forming.

But it is not addictive.

Just like me and my daily chicken sweet and sour wrap.


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

HAL said:


> So do I have an addiction to chicken sweet and sour wraps because I buy one every day for lunch and look forward to doing so..?
> 
> No I do not.
> 
> ...



But what about when you promise your mother that you will not eat chicken sweet and sour wraps, but then you go ahead and eat them anyway?


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## HAL (May 10, 2014)

Grandmaster Yoda said:


> But what about when you promise your mother that you will not eat chicken sweet and sour wraps, but then you go ahead and eat them anyway?


That's me caving in because they're available.

If chicken sweet and sour wraps were banned from my existence, I wouldn't suffer withdrawal symptoms. I'd think, "Damn", then eat something different. Even if the only thing available on the planet was bread flavoured gruel, I'd still eat it if there wasn't any other option.

Whereas if sweet and sour wraps were _actually_ addictive, I'd end up a blithering mess for a week while my body readjusted to the physiological and neurological changes.

I wonder if you really know what 'addiction' really is to some people? Seems like it's being given a new meaning if you think habit and addiction are remotely similar.

Giving up pornography would never, ever result in this (watch the whole film if you can (Trainspotting), I recommend it):


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

HAL said:


> That's me caving in because they're available.
> 
> If chicken sweet and sour wraps were banned from my existence, I wouldn't suffer withdrawal symptoms. I'd think, "Damn", then eat something different. Even if the only thing available on the planet was bread flavoured gruel, I'd still eat it if there wasn't any other option.
> 
> ...


Your definition is narrowed to biological factors. Psychological addiction exists as well.
You can have an addiction to shopping, though you would likely discount that due to no physiological "withdrawal symptoms."


> The word addiction is used in several different ways. One definition describes physical addiction. This is a biological state in which the body adapts to the presence of a drug so that drug no longer has the same effect, otherwise known as a tolerance. Another form of physical addiction is the phenomenon of overreaction by the brain to drugs (or to cues associated with the drugs). An alcoholic walking into a bar, for instance, will feel an extra pull to have a drink because of these cues.
> 
> However, most addictive behavior is not related to either physical tolerance or exposure to cues. People compulsively use drugs, gamble, or shop nearly always in reaction to being emotionally stressed, whether or not they have a physical addiction. Since these psychologically based addictions are not based on drug or brain effects, they can account for why people frequently switch addictive actions from one drug to a completely different kind of drug, or even to a non-drug behavior. The focus of the addiction isn't what matters; it's the need to take action under certain kinds of stress. Treating this kind of addiction requires an understanding of how it works psychologically.


Habits are part of addictions.
Here we have a husband who feels compelled to do something and it is damaging to his relationship. It seems like the very definition of what separates an addiction from a just being a habit. It's not like he said, "no thanks this is healthy and good for me." He said, "I can't delete those videos." Which is the point.
Addictive behaviors also tend to be short term releases to poor mental health. Masturbation can be a habit, but that can evolve into an addiction. I don't think you would say you "need" a habit at any point. Brushing your teeth is a habit, you "need" it in a functional sense to clean your teeth, but you don't "need" it in a compulsive sense. We are talking about the compulsive sense. Especially, since there is no urgent "need" to ejaculate anyway. I read somewhere that two weeks, maybe there may be a problem. But from the stories I've read from people who abstain from masturbation, they might have wet dreams. So that need fulfills itself so it seems.
If you use pornography, and masturbation or sex or shopping or eating certain foods as a way to escape feelings of stress and you continuously do that, that is an addiction. It's an escape. Addiction isn't defined based on withdrawal symptoms at all. That cuts out most of addiction.
We have been discussing this stuff in a vacuum with whatever default properties we assign to them. There's certainly a lot to support the idea that having sexual relations is healthy. That doesn't mean you cannot get addicted to it. Not shopping doesn't mean you will vomit, that doesn't mean you can't be addicted to it. Though I suppose you would imply that an addicted shopper may feel some withdrawal symptoms anyway, maybe I haven't seen anything about that aspect when defining addiction.
So hopefully this isn't the sexual revolution jargon right now, "sex is good, be free." Anyone who says moderation, or points out the negatives is just being a traditionalist whiner. It's sad. As if there is no value in moderation, let alone no value in the fact that relationships are being harmed in the case here. The attitude is pervasive.
This whole, "alcohol is worse, but it is legal" structure being applied here. No good.
Right over rational. That is the key phrase that describes the new attitudes.
Have you ever seen hoarders? You don't know what happens when they stop hoarding. But you are inclined to think something is wrong anyway.


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## Chesire Tower (Jan 19, 2013)

The only possible issue here is: either he has an addiction or he does not. If he is addicted - can't control it- even though he desperately wants to; then that is obviously a problem. If, it is not an addiction; then there isn't any problem.

What I'm curious about, is was your sex life suffering and you think that this is the cause of it? Or, was everything fine between you two, before you stumbled upon those videos?


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