# So... rope, helium, or handgun?



## Playful Proxy (Feb 6, 2012)

*please hold while everyone flips their shit*
a) I do not have any diagnosable personality disorders. 
b) Yes, I have recently been tested
c) Tbh, I couldn't give two shits about any trope-y "It will get better" garbage you plan to throw at me. Save your breath. 

All I need is your answer to two simple questions and possibly an explanation. 
a) Between hanging, a rebreather mask hooked to a helium tank, or a handgun to the head, which of the above is the most painless? 
b) What is the likelihood of any of the above methods of failing and turning the brain into vegetable soup? If a high/mediumish chance to the least painful, what's the one with a low chance and least amount of pain?


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## Mr. Meepers (May 31, 2012)

Well, this is in the advice center and not in the debate subforum, so my first assumption is that you want to use one of these three methods? Is that correct or at you just curious? 
*hugs*
Well, I would think that for any of those ways, if you are not successful, could lead to severe brain damage and a lot of pain. So I don't think any of those was are ideal. Why do you want to know?

Hmmm, although, we are only talking about physical pain, anyone who knows you would be hurt by this and if you are still alive and able to think, then you will have to bear that pain. I recently read a Facebook post from a "friend" (more like an aquantance as we don't really know each other that well, but we went to high school together) and she talked about how she tried to kill herself two years ago. Now, I may be wasting my breath, but it is my breath to waste and I would forever regret not wasting it. Anyway, as you can tell, she survived her suicide attempt (although she has really bad knees) and she talked about how painful it was to put her to see how much pain her family when through, but how happy she was to still be alive. I think life can sometimes be a roller coaster of emotions and there are times we hit rock bottom (even I had once thought about doing it), but as time goes on we the hills don't seem as big and we learn how to deal with the pain and still be okay, so the lows are just not as low as they used to be. At least for me that seems to be the case, it is not always that life gets better so much as my outlook changes and I learn how to handle things along the way. It is like a big learning experience and it takes time to learn and we are always learning more and more. We may all be at different points on what we know, but that is okay because we all have different experiences and different perspectives to offer. So, I do hope you give life a bit more time ^__^ And, I don't know you, but I do know that everyone has something beautiful about them and we are all beautiful in our own way. We are not perfect and we sometimes mess up, but I am glad that we are all different. And, I may not know you, but that does not mean that I don't care and that I can feel my own version of love for you. I think you are so much more valuable and needed than you realize because we all need each other. 

I type so, so I have not seen any replies yet, so I am assuming tat no one else replied and I am worried that this could be the last post I get to write to you, so I will say this. You are a good person (I am pretty good at knowing, even if you disagree) and you are valuable. And you are worthy of love *hugs and snuggles*. And I really, really hope I get to hear from you again, because I really want to know you and hold you and learn from you. If this post does not help you, then I want you to know that I am sorry, but I really hope I don't have to be sorry.

*hugs and snuggles forever* <3


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## Roland Khan (May 10, 2009)

Playful Proxy said:


> *please hold while everyone flips their shit*
> a) I do not have any diagnosable personality disorders.
> b) Yes, I have recently been tested
> c) Tbh, I couldn't give two shits about any trope-y "It will get better" garbage you plan to throw at me. Save your breath.
> ...



Hanging would probably be the worst and most uncomfortable. Helium may actually be a pleasant way to just drift off, not sure how it affects one though other than raising pitch of one's voice. Handgun to the dome would probably be the quickest, but would also be the worst way for your family/friends to find you, and would most likely be the most traumatic thing they would ever have to face.

Now that that part's out of the way, I do have some experience dealing with severe depression. If I actually had access to a gun, most likely I wouldn't be here anymore myself.

I'm not going to feed you any of that "It will get better" bullshit either, because I recognize it for what it is, bullshit. Unless you are extremely lucky, it won't actually get "better" in the way most people would consider "better", however, you can somewhat come to terms of what it is you're going through and learn to cope with it. Come to be able to just focus on things you actually do enjoy, and stay away from people that bring you down. Get fed up with it all and tell the world to fuck off, you'll do what you can/have to survive and get by in a not so miserable manner, and everybody else can just go fuck themselves because they won't ever understand anyway so just live for yourself and whatever close family/friends you may still have, the ones who would be truly hurt and devastated if you were to "leave them". They're the only other ones you should concern yourself with, and let them pull you out of your deepest slumps when need be. Just really think about the idea of them finding you after doing what you're asking about doing, and ask yourself if they deserve that and if you want to be the one that puts that kind of devastation upon them.

Sure, it can be easy to just remind yourself that after the deed is done, it won't bother you anymore because you'll just be gone and finally will be rid of the misery you're feeling, but not only would it leave them in such despair, but it won't bring you anything positive either. You won't gain happiness or pleasure or anything positive from doing this deed. You will put yourself through the greatest misery you possibly can during the act itself, and the last thing you will feel is the sorrow and sadness as realize what you have just done to the few people you love and the very people who love you. 


With all that said, I understand that some or a lot of it may not even relate to you and your circumstances, so in that regard may I ask you what it is that brought you to this point? Is it sudden or relatively recent events....or has this been an ongoing "fantasy" of yours for a while now, years or so?

No judgement from me, or bullshit cliches because I've dealt with people telling me the same shit myself and I too am sick of hearing it all. I'm no longer exactly suicidal like I once was, but I do still wish for death everytime I go to sleep or hope that my next seizure is my very last. But I can't do it myself because I just don't have the heart to do that to my parents, so I find ways to cope through writing, reading, or any other distraction I can find along the way.


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## Playful Proxy (Feb 6, 2012)

Roland787 said:


> Hanging would probably be the worst and most uncomfortable. Helium may actually be a pleasant way to just drift off, not sure how it affects one though other than raising pitch of one's voice. Handgun to the dome would probably be the quickest, but would also be the worst way for your family/friends to find you, and would most likely be the most traumatic thing they would ever have to face.


The thing with helium is that I have heard from lots of people who tried it and had it fail. Supposedly it can be really pleasant if done properly, but it also has to be the right kind of helium to nail the put-to-sleep effect. Because helium is one of the natural gasses in the atmosphere, the body naturally does not start freaking out when it does not have enough oxygen as opposed to if you tried an unnatural one like carbon monoxide or dioxide. Supposedly, nitrogen would work as well, but that's a whole new can of worms and research on how to get that to play nicely with the mask/pipe. 

As for family, I'm kinda at the point that I honestly couldn't care less. They've mocked me and talked down about anything I may be feeling because of 'their own problems'. The one person who loves me dearly, I am about to break things off with. She does know, and her opinion is that she will miss me and it will hurt, but she understands, and that it is my life. Other than that, most of my friends are kept at arms length and there shouldn't be too much of an impact on them. Half my extended family are too busy bickering to give a shit, and the other half are randomly spread across the country and we have never met them to begin with. So yeah, in terms of hurting people, things are pretty much minimized. 

As far as how long it's been occurring, I'd say a while. Less of a fantasy and more of a, "Hey, you know this pretty much sucks and if you move forward with this, it's only going to get leagues worse...maybe consider this, instead?" *tries moving forward anyway....hell starts breaking loose* "So uhhh, I don't want to say I told you so but...enjoying the situation so far? It's only going to get worse. Your family will not understand, they do not and will not support you in this, and you'll be lonely at the end. Do nothing and you're emotionally screwed, anyway. You can't get away from your parents yet due to financials and they just loooove causing you pain. Trying to continue this is a looser's game most likely. Just end it."


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## Word Dispenser (May 18, 2012)

@Playful Proxy: I think there's this phenomenon that happens whenever someone tries to commit suicide. Most, if not all of them, who fail the attempt, regret it.

In particular, people who failed to kill themselves jumping off that big bridge.. They would jump, and instantly regret it.

You probably really want to live. I don't know why you think you want to die, but in the face of actual death, I think you would find your reasons petty/trivial.

That said-- I don't think there is any good way to die. 

There is no dignity in death. So, if you want to do it, no matter what you do, you'll be dead anyway, and it won't matter, will it?

I don't think you'd actually ask people's opinions about how you want to die, unless you want to be talked out of it. Who would _actually _give you straight advice about how to kill yourself?

Honestly, I think you be's trollin'.


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## Playful Proxy (Feb 6, 2012)

Word Dispenser said:


> I don't think you'd actually ask people's opinions about how you want to die, unless you want to be talked out of it. Who would _actually _give you straight advice about how to kill yourself?
> 
> Honestly, I think you be's trollin'.


Or you know, getting opinions on how to best not fail, and what's the least painless. I personally believe if one fails, they didn't really want to to begin with. The goal is having the endurance to research as best you can and pick something fast so you can't change your mind. Though I've been poking around and from a friend I've got, I think a glock 21 with a hollow-tipped round may be my best bet.


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## Word Dispenser (May 18, 2012)

Playful Proxy said:


> Or you know, getting opinions on how to best not fail, and what's the least painless. Though I've been poking around and from a friend I've got, I think a glock 21 with a hollow-tipped round may be my best bet.


Research is probably a better way. A forum is generally for support-- Especially an advice center.

That said, you have friends, apparently you're in a relationship.

I'm really more curious than trying to dissuade you-- There's not much anyone can do in a text format. Why do you want to die? Are you in pain physically/emotionally? Bored?


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## Playful Proxy (Feb 6, 2012)

Word Dispenser said:


> Research is probably a better way. A forum is generally for support-- Especially an advice center.
> 
> That said, you have friends, apparently you're in a relationship.
> 
> I'm really more curious than trying to dissuade you-- There's not much anyone can do in a text format. Why do you want to die? Are you in pain physically/emotionally? Bored?


More like a medical/psychological condition that would require one hell of a lot of work to put in in order to actually end up being happy. Even then, there would be no guarantee I would be, most no one else understands and it would be/is a massive hell to put up with. Instead of trying to scramble and claw for my ability to just be satisfied, I for the most part CBA to suffer that much for no guarantee that it may not even get better afterwards.

So my options are essentially: 
a) Do nothing, live on antidepressants/antianxiety meds for the rest of my life
b) Do something about it, not be understood/looked down upon by most of family/society
c) Fuck it, I'm eating a bullet.


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## Word Dispenser (May 18, 2012)

Playful Proxy said:


> More like a medical/psychological condition that would require one hell of a lot of work to put in in order to actually end up being happy. Even then, there would be no guarantee I would be, most no one else understands and it would be/is a massive hell to put up with. Instead of trying to scramble and claw for my ability to just be satisfied, I for the most part CBA to suffer that much for no guarantee that it may not even get better afterwards.


Okay. So, you have a medical/psychological condition that requires a lot of work to end up being happy. How do you define happiness in this context? Free from pain? Being able to work? Being able to pursue interests ? All of the above?


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## Chiaroscuro (Jul 10, 2012)

Playful Proxy said:


> More like a medical/psychological condition that would require one hell of a lot of work to put in in order to actually end up being happy. Even then, there would be no guarantee I would be, most no one else understands and it would be/is a massive hell to put up with. Instead of trying to scramble and claw for my ability to just be satisfied, I for the most part CBA to suffer that much for no guarantee that it may not even get better afterwards.
> 
> So my options are essentially:
> a) Do nothing, live on antidepressants/antianxiety meds for the rest of my life
> ...


Or you can be a man and chuck the SSRIs, there are herbal antidepressants like St. John's wort you could try if interested. Change your diet, your sleeping habits, pick up a hobby. Do something new and make your life a bit better in every aspect you can think of. Give yourself many great reasons to live an you won't have to worry about being depressed.


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## Word Dispenser (May 18, 2012)

Playful Proxy said:


> So my options are essentially:
> a) Do nothing, live on antidepressants/antianxiety meds for the rest of my life
> b) Do something about it, not be understood/looked down upon by most of family/society
> c) Fuck it, I'm eating a bullet.


You have more options than just that. As @Chiaroscuro said.

And then there are things you actually like doing, right? Things you enjoy, despite your problems. Hell, it could be video games, or crochet. A lot of people have these kinds of issues, and find their own coping mechanism. 

I think biting a bullet's a major cop-out, knowing that this is basically an irritant that's only indirectly interfering with your way of life. At least as far as I know, based on the general information you've given.

Why don't you look to other people with your problems as an example? There are probably many, many such individuals who have conquered their problems. Look at the solutions they've found, and tailor your own. Probably based on good sleeping habits, diet, and exercise.


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## Mr. Meepers (May 31, 2012)

Playful Proxy said:


> More like a medical/psychological condition that would require one hell of a lot of work to put in in order to actually end up being happy. Even then, there would be no guarantee I would be, most no one else understands and it would be/is a massive hell to put up with. Instead of trying to scramble and claw for my ability to just be satisfied, I for the most part CBA to suffer that much for no guarantee that it may not even get better afterwards.
> 
> So my options are essentially:
> a) Do nothing, live on antidepressants/antianxiety meds for the rest of my life
> ...


This sounds painful and lonely. Are there any other reasons why you want to commit suicide? It sounds like your family is not nice or supportive of you, would you mind telling me more about that?

I hope I am not asking too much, but what are your thoughts and feelings about each one of those options?


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## Mr. Meepers (May 31, 2012)

Sorry, I do have another question. Do you have any reason(s) for not committing suicide? Is there a reason why you have not do it sooner? What is positive in your life?



Playful Proxy said:


> As for family, I'm kinda at the point that I honestly couldn't care less. They've mocked me and talked down about anything I may be feeling because of 'their own problems'. The one person who loves me dearly, I am about to break things off with. She does know, and her opinion is that she will miss me and it will hurt, but she understands, and that it is my life. Other than that, most of my friends are kept at arms length and there shouldn't be too much of an impact on them. Half my extended family are too busy bickering to give a shit, and the other half are randomly spread across the country and we have never met them to begin with. So yeah, in terms of hurting people, things are pretty much minimized.


Your friend sounds like a very sweet person. Could you tell me more about her? How did you become friends? Is she special to you? How does it make you feel, when you think about breaking things off with her?


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## lolthevoidlol (May 19, 2011)

Playful Proxy said:


> Welp, took the SO with me to see the psych. He asked her what it was about me that made staying with me worth it even through all the trans stuff. I apparently didn't get the hint when she responded, "Because I think I've found my person." I obliviously told her in the car going home that if she'd ever thought she'd be happier with someone else, that I wanted her to do it. She kinda brushed it off. Since I didn't get the hint, she later last night gave me a more direct response. "Just thought you should know, if it's alright with you, I've got a finger on your left hand reserved for a ring."
> 
> So in case anyone's curious, I've kinda been randomly smiling, blushing like mad, and trying not to cry all day.


9 days ago this is how you felt. This was and continues to be real. Don't make yourself miss out on the kind of happiness you know can exist for you. You've experienced it before, you can again. The only guarantee is change and nothing lasts forever. That includes happiness and sadness. These aren't platitudes, it's simply physics.


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## jeb (Jan 6, 2014)

Playful Proxy said:


> "Hey, you know this pretty much sucks and if you move forward with this, it's only going to get leagues worse...maybe consider this, instead?" *tries moving forward anyway....hell starts breaking loose*


It only gets better. Trust me. I've been in your position with the life choices you're making. I obviously dont know all about the specifics of your situation, but I can relate to what is causing you this inner struggle. If you want to talk about it in detail youre welcome to PM me.



Playful Proxy said:


> More like a medical/psychological condition that would require one hell of a lot of work to put in in order to actually end up being happy. Even then, there would be no guarantee I would be, most no one else understands and it would be/is a massive hell to put up with. Instead of trying to scramble and claw for my ability to just be satisfied, I for the most part CBA to suffer that much for no guarantee that it may not even get better afterwards.
> 
> So my options are essentially:
> a) Do nothing, live on antidepressants/antianxiety meds for the rest of my life
> ...


You dont need antidepressants. They're not something that works for everyone, and even when they do, its when they're administered with other things concurrently and progress is made. Life is never rosy and filled wi the rainbows, but there are ways to make it better. I would suggest considering more options before giving up. Hope, optimism and will can still be a part of your mental repetior if you want them to be.


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## Roland Khan (May 10, 2009)

Should've expected the "just man up" type of responses, ain't those the worst? Those people don't understand the severity and longevity of depression this severe. Don't let it get to you and surely don't let them make you feel as if you're weak for considering it. Nature is chaotic and cruel, the only peace we know to exist is in death. I'm not here trying to talk you out of it, just wanting you to think on this from as many angles as you can, the final decision is yours and yours alone and there's no shame in folding a bad hand, just make sure you're reading the table right. 

The no family is unfortunate, I wouldn't've made it w/o my parents and a couple cousins, I don't have any friends myself, lol. Is there anybody you will have around that you could rely on? If not, is there anywhere you could go to talk to somebody (not necessarily about this but just your depression/emotions in general), a therapist or even an AA meeting, be surprised how open and how well they'll listen and some have even dealt with severe depression themselves, it can help a lot just talking with somebody else who actually understands how you feel, especially if you get a sponsor there, you'll have their number to call anytime. Such a relief to be able to talk sometimes and have the other person finish a sentence because they actually know what it is you're talking about, sometimes it's accompanied with laughter:kitteh:.


Are there any hobbies/activities that you enjoy? Really think about it, I know how easy it is to just say "no, absolutely nothing in life I enjoy" due to the extremity of your current turmoil, but surely there is something you enjoy, otherwise you would've offed yourself some time ago. What is it keeping you going? What is it that you will miss? 

Can be anything, reading, writing, video games (my main hobby), drawing, cooking, sewing/knitting, trolling forums, play free online poker. Those are all things can do without needing other people, and in some cases will actually meet others. I made an actual 'friend' years ago playing WoW and they actually ended up living just half hour away from me, naturally for me though we hung out a few times and had fun but I eventually drifted away and became uncomfortable around them (was a couple my age), as I always do once I feel that I've been around someone long enough for them to see how socially awkward (maybe antisocial) I am.

Have you tried masturbating? that's always fun . Can even be social/financial benefit if you're that kind of person :wink:


I just came across this site looking up effectiveness of carbon monoxide poisoning through car exhaust, which apparently isn't effective as it used to be w/ older cars, but the site also offers plenty of other information including things to consider, should check it out.....even if it is just to find your preferred method :sad:. Lost All Hope: Information on suicide methods, statistics and help


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## Flatlander (Feb 25, 2012)

I want to respond to this but I'm at work. So suffice to say that it does take work to be happy, it can entail letting certain connections die in favor of others, and it can be difficult. It's goddamn worth it though, if you persist. You can find and build your own family, build yourself up, and at the end it will make you feel not only happy, but also more empowered than you ever thought you could be 
you will have earned your happiness.


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## Jennywocky (Aug 7, 2009)

Playful Proxy said:


> The thing with helium is that I have heard from lots of people who tried it and had it fail. Supposedly it can be really pleasant if done properly, but it also has to be the right kind of helium to nail the put-to-sleep effect. Because helium is one of the natural gasses in the atmosphere, the body naturally does not start freaking out when it does not have enough oxygen as opposed to if you tried an unnatural one like carbon monoxide or dioxide. Supposedly, nitrogen would work as well, but that's a whole new can of worms and research on how to get that to play nicely with the mask/pipe.
> 
> As for family, I'm kinda at the point that I honestly couldn't care less. They've mocked me and talked down about anything I may be feeling because of 'their own problems'. The one person who loves me dearly, I am about to break things off with. She does know, and her opinion is that she will miss me and it will hurt, but she understands, and that it is my life. Other than that, most of my friends are kept at arms length and there shouldn't be too much of an impact on them. Half my extended family are too busy bickering to give a shit, and the other half are randomly spread across the country and we have never met them to begin with. So yeah, in terms of hurting people, things are pretty much minimized.


Out of the three things you mention, I couldn’t imagine a handgun. It happens fast, but I’ve seen pictures and it’s horrific to imagine family and friends (of which you’ll have some regardless of your feelings) finding that. And bullets do strange things; I’ve also read the stories and seen the pictures where people have missed and survive in their ruined state. Not good.

I don’t know much about gas. For me it was cutting or pills… and once upon the time, I seriously entertained drowning (although knowing my luck, I’d have made it across).

No one can choose to live for you. It’s a choice each one of us makes daily, and it can even be the choice “not to live” (like my father, choosing alcohol for 50 years) versus a choice to actively die. If someone else makes the choice for you, it doesn’t really stick. It’s kind of frightful to realize how easy it can be to choose to end things, yet at the same time then within that understanding it’s rather remarkable to see how many choose to persevere through hardship in order to continue. Something to live for versus false hope? I don’t know, but we each must decide, and decide daily.

One of the questions I realized for me was, “Do I actually want to die?” or “Do I actually want to live but just fear that I never really will, because of pain or oppression or something other force arrayed against me, so I’m considering cutting my losses?” Sometimes those forces can seem so large and insurmountable and terrifying… and painful, because some of them are the people and institutions you believe should have been embracing and helping you versus violating and discarding you.

You know that I have been where you are (at least from what I recall from your posts that I have read), and the only significant difference is that I had children…. I have definitely done some stuff to spare my kids and/or to remain alive for my kids, as I know no matter how close parents and children are, there is still a large impact when something happens to either. But I took a few minutes to look through my old journal to find you something, and it was kind of shocking to see all the turbulent and emotional entries I had made. My ride had not been an easy one either.

And it still isn’t at times, although I realize now I’ve been fortunate in many ways. I still go through the large feelings of betrayal and detachment, of not feeling like I have a home or people I am close to. (I’m still working hard to replace the RL social structure I lost… or maybe never even had.) It’s something I’m still working through…. But I’ll say my feelings of self-harm while arising from time to time are nothing like what they were before and during my journey. I can’t speak for what your life will be, but for me things did change despite all my earlier fears and realities and believing there was no chance for me.

This was my journal from five years ago, it was written to my best friend at the time (although I never let them see it for some months, after I was out of the darker hole). Note how I felt.



* *





July 4, 2009

I can't go on.

I'm finished, sweetheart. Overwhelmed. Too much. You can only swim so long... and I have swum a very long time now. Far longer than I thought I could but... still... too long.

I sat watching the fireworks tonight, surrounded by people, the blasts echoing like cannons over me, dazzled by the lights, flowers of flame gracefully unfolding over me to the ooh's and ahs', fireflies of green and yellow and red zipping across the sky, sparkles like glass powder strewn across the sun making the night sky shimmer.

A year ago, I couldn't even walk down the river near my apartment, terrified of the crowds and having so little faith in myself, and I had to stand in the doorway of my back patio and listen, feeling like a coward. Tonight I sat on the concrete along the river, next to the private seating on the dock, surrounded by people of every age and nationality and walk of life, and I was accepted as myself. Can you believe that? Can you understand the significance of it?

But I was still alone.

Everyone else still had someone. People with their arms around each other, or holding hands, or families sitting together making low quiet sighs and exclamations of wide-eyed pleasure together. But I sat by myself, and I did not know the name of anyone near me. Part of community, finally, but all still strangers to me. And they would go home afterwards, to their own homes, to sleep in their own beds, to laugh and joke and pray together and make love and eat a late-night snack and sleep together in the same bed, limbs comfortably and unabashedly intertwined. Meanwhile I'd be getting up alone, and I would be walking home in the dark alone, and I would spending the rest of the night alone, and I would be once again going to sleep alone.

My family doesn't want me anymore. Or, to put it better, the person they want is the person who no longer exists and in many ways never did in the first place, so they don't understand that their persistence in clinging to that memory leaves the person who I actually am feeling very abandoned. I love them, but I've lost them, and I have no power to make them believe in me.

I'm tired of being alone. People tell me they can't believe that no one is interested in me. Well, they're not. I'm too tall, or too quiet, or too intimidating, or too reclusive, or they know what I am somehow, or... something. I don't know. I don't think I'm ugly, but... they just aren't... and I'm tired of rejection and having to be faced with potentially doing the whole "reveal" thing later and somehow navigating that minefield.

How many times am I required to drag my identity through muck and mire, just in the hopes that someone will finally pass the test?

... I walked back along the river. I walked fast for a long time, long legs are good for that much, I suppose, and eventually I passed under Forster. Once I got past the next exit ramp, I was alone as I walked and I could ease my pace. The water was beautiful and dark, mysterious. There were still boats out in the middle, visible only by the lights mounted on them but otherwise little more than shadows churning the water as they passed me. The streetlights cast an orange ruddy glow down on the concrete, warm and inviting; but the water remained impenetrable.

I slowed down, then walked carefully down the steps near the water's edge. There were no one around, they had all gone home some other way. I sat wearily on the steps and cried. My heart aches so much. I sat and cried and cried.

Just like I wished I could fly away the other night to the moon, wished I could leave the surly bonds of earth behind, how I wished now I could just swim out until the water swallowed me. To find some embrace at last that would not leave me go. If it had been the ocean, I would not be writing this letter, I know that much; this very moment I would be swimming out into the dark under the stars until I could swim no more.

But this was the river, and I could see the far bank, and ... well, I am a strong swimmer. You know that. The river isn't enough for me. I can outlast the river.

Only the ocean runs deep enough to hold my tears.

People say I just need to take a deep breath and figure out what to do next, then make my plans. The problem is that it's no longer working. I'm too frazzled. I can't figure out what to do anymore. I feel confused and lost all the time. I don't know how to get the money I need to finish this journey. I don't know how to get the money to fix my budget. I don't know how to build the social relationships I need to sustain me. I don't know how to fix my house. I don't know how to write my journals. I don't know how to get my life on track any more. And I don't know how to be happy being alone.

If only I could figure this out... but that's what people don't understand. I'm lost. Rose was good for me in the sense she's a doer. She knows how to do things, practical things. She can make things happen, even if her vision is so limited sometimes. I need someone looking at my living room with me and helping me figure out exactly what to do with it. I need someone to go with me to buy paint, or look for furniture. I need someone helping me clean my kitchen. All of that. All things that people do with the people they love. I just can't seem to make head nor tail of anything anymore, I can't translate ideas into practical steps. And... there's no one. I'm alone. I feel helpless and unable to take care of myself.

I should have called my kids today... but I just couldn't. I couldn't. It was too much, for whatever reason. And so I fail them, over and over. Far wants to see me, and here I am treating him so casually... because it is anything but casual to me, and I'm overwhelmed by it.

I can go to therapy on Tuesday and bring this up. It won't matter. She won't suggest anything that will help. Therapy was never helpful to me in that way. At best it was just an atmosphere conducive to granting me the confidence to finally live my own life. People usually don't give me ideas that are "a-ha!" to me, usually it's all something I've thought of already. I just need someone in my life. But there isn't, and there won't be for some time.

I got up and walked slowly back home. No need to rush anymore, no need to run here and there and exhaust myself. I made a good run of things, didn't I? I never thought I could come as far as I did... and none of my family did either. They thought I was too weak, or too crazy, and that at some point I would come to my senses and realize what an embarrassment I had become, that after enough laughter and social discomfort I'd come crawling back to them and be who they wanted.

But I didn't do that, did I? None of that ever happened. I surprised myself, and somehow I got to the other side... and not just as sufferance from others but because I really am this person and accepted beyond my wildest expectations. I am still amazed sometimes at what I accomplished over the last two years; I guess deep down I didn't believe I could have made it as far as I have. At least I have that. I really did do good.

And if I fail now, it's not because I failed at the things I could control; it's just because I really am at the end of myself and don't have anything left to go further with.

At least I know I can be proud of what I did achieve, and if I go out, it will be as me, with my name.

My real name.

At least, that... that, at the end.

More tears.

"To look life in the face, always, to look life in the face and to know it for what it is. At last to know it, to love it for what it is, and then, to put it away."

I always did strive to live with honesty and integrity, to not avoid things just because they were hard. I feel bad for writing this letter. I don't want you to worry, because I love you. But if I love you, you'll never see this letter... and once again I am alone. See what I mean? See the cruel joke of my life? It's inevitable: I don't want to hide who I am and what's in my head, but to protect those I love and not demand more from them than is fair, to protect you from my overwhelming needs, I have to hold the agony inside myself until I can no longer contain it and so I burst into flame and the end comes anyway.

Immolating myself in loneliness is the only way I can show that I love you.

I'm sorry.

Love,
Jennifer




I am sharing that with you and others because it helps you see inside my head and experience at the time, and also how it not only is easy to isolate oneself but almost seems like a noble thing… but it’s not. All we have is each other. Like I said, no one can make the decision to live for another human being, not for the long-term; but the journey made alone seems to have one horribly inevitable outcome. And trying to protect those we love denies them of the choice to journey with us.




> As far as how long it's been occurring, I'd say a while. Less of a fantasy and more of a, "Hey, you know this pretty much sucks and if you move forward with this, it's only going to get leagues worse...maybe consider this, instead?" *tries moving forward anyway....hell starts breaking loose* "So uhhh, I don't want to say I told you so but...enjoying the situation so far? It's only going to get worse. Your family will not understand, they do not and will not support you in this, and you'll be lonely at the end. Do nothing and you're emotionally screwed, anyway. You can't get away from your parents yet due to financials and they just loooove causing you pain. Trying to continue this is a looser's game most likely. Just end it."


 
Yeah. I totally get that part and have written as much myself, numerous times.

Also, outside events do not help. This week was hard for me with Robin William’s death. I love the guy and empathize so deeply with him, but although we’ve never met, his death still impacted me. Because I was just thought, “If Robin Williams with all of his acceptance and success in life couldn’t make it, how on earth am I supposed to?” I actually had to leave work early on Tuesday just to go home and go to bed for a few hours. 

And then, since I had no one IRL to talk to, I contacted a friend of mine and talked to her and she kind of hit me with some hard stuff for me to process (ESTJs are good for that), and it was really helpful to me. But I had to reach out to her or she wouldn’t have known. Especially with people who feel isolated and struggle alone against large life situations, it’s very easy to try to tackle things alone and be overwhelmed.

I don’t know what the outcome of your journey will be if you continue. No one can promise you anything. And there’s a lot you need to face. But it doesn’t mean it will end poorly or that you’ll be alone. You either choose to live or not, and if you choose to live, then the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. It’s not necessarily glamorous, it is just what it is, so you either do it or you don’t. Life is life, with its ups and downs, some of them prolonged. I just think, if you ask yourself that question I mentioned earlier (“Do I actually want to die, or do I actually want to live but just fear I might never do so?”), then if you really want to live but just fear others stopping you, then don’t give them the satisfaction of having their opinions about you be true. 

And keep sharing. It’s better to air it than to keep it all in. And hey, you're not entirely alone. I'm either not around much or normally at work and can't get at this site, but I was home sick and someone actually wrote me to let me know you're having a rough time. You do matter to some, even if we don't know many details about each other or can't be there with you in the flesh.


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## kittenmogu (Jun 19, 2014)

Playful Proxy said:


> *please hold while everyone flips their shit*
> a) I do not have any diagnosable personality disorders.
> b) Yes, I have recently been tested
> c) Tbh, I couldn't give two shits about any trope-y "It will get better" garbage you plan to throw at me. Save your breath.
> ...


I'm not you nor will I ever understand what it is to be you, but I've known the amount of hopelessness and self-hatred it takes to want to end your life in my own way. It takes an incredible amount, more than any human being should ever bear. It's a terrifying and dark and deadening place to be in. Regardless of whether or not you posted this looking for sympathy/empathy, I know it's a place that can't be easily talked out of or really reasoned with.

The fact of the matter is, I looked into it, and there's almost no painless, easy ways to die. Your biology is built to try to keep you alive. At this very moment, most of the processes in your body work that way. It's millennia of evolution flowing through you. All have a likelihood of failing, all have an opportunity for regret, and even if it lasts for a moment, it would be the worst regret one could ever feel. Even for hanging yourself, there's that moment after you let gravity take over. The moment as your finger starts to squeeze. Your body will do its best to pull you through whatever comes next, no matter how much pain and damage ensues. No matter how much one feels like they want to die... we were not automatically built to die... you may not feel like it, but you were built to live, even if you have to cling to the few things that made life worth living for you.

Sorry that I couldn't tell you anything that would actually help for you to hear. I don't know what that would be. I only know what I know. You don't have to prove how much you're suffering... you never should have to.


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## Kyusaku (Mar 18, 2014)

@Playful Proxy 

Suicide is a form of control over your fate, it is the ultimate power to set the ending to your story. But are you really in control right now ? Is it truly your choice or are you forced by circumstances ? If by death what you really seek is freedom, power over your own life, don't end it now, understand that you are not in a clear state of mind despite your certitudes. Give yourself at least a moment more, maybe a week, maybe a month. Maybe just wait for the next sunrise. :happy: 

I'm battling against one of the most severe form of depression myself, for almost a decade now. Suicidal thoughts are still there, but they are not my own, just like they are not yours. This is your illness draining your down, pushing you to physical and mental exhaustion, suicide is a coping mechanism to get power back over yourself. Don't think, don't act, wait. Aim to breath one more time, then another, aim for the next lunch, for the next day, and so on. Don't let this illness kill you. You might never be happy, but you shall make this life your own and feel proud having lived through it.


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