# How can I develop a sense of identity?



## Jor (Sep 2, 2014)

I feel like I don't know who I am and that others don't understand me either. I am almost 20 years old, and an INFP male. I keep trying to find a stereotype or person that I can relate to and that's where I build my sense of identity. For example, "I can relate to hipsters" *attempts to be that type of persona; doesn't work because I feel I'm not being myself.* "I can relate to goths. That's definitely my type of personality." *attempts to fit in there, fails for the same reason.* "I can relate to this musician, that's who I am." *finds clothing similar to musician, fails to find identity yet again for the same reason.* I'm so sick of this. I don't know who I am or what to identify myself with. I'm having trouble identifying my likes and dislikes. "Am I a mysterious person? Is that what people like in me? I am going to try and be more like that." Those are the kinds of things I tell myself. I want to be myself, but I don't know myself and I think I have a self-hatred issue. Also, my personality is like a chameleon; I find myself behaving differently around different people for different reasons, usually because I don't want to be disliked or made fun of. I feel like it happens automatically. Another noteworthy thing to mention would be that I got PTSD about 3 years ago and it changed my personality. I sometimes wonder if that may be a contributing factor to my issue. I just want to be myself and be loved for who I am. Does anyone have advice for me?


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## Swordsman of Mana (Jan 7, 2011)

@Jor
*checks Enneagram type* this is probably the most un-4-ish thing I've seen in awhile. look into Enneagram 9 and the growth work associated with that type. that will answer your question as lot better than I can.


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## Jor (Sep 2, 2014)

Swordsman of Mana said:


> @Jor
> *checks Enneagram type* this is probably the most un-4-ish thing I've seen in awhile. look into Enneagram 9 and the growth work associated with that type. that will answer your question as lot better than I can.


Really? How so? I have typed as 9w1 many times. I don't really know Enneagram.


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## Dynamitetalks (Sep 21, 2012)

Start by acknowledging yourself, by doing what you feel like you're supposed to do, by doing this you'll find what you really want to do, but might be unaware of at first or afraid of doing because you'll have to express yourself in a new way. 
Now you know what you burn for to do, then you work on it until you become good, and this will give you an identity for who you're by letting other people see how good you're at what you're passionate about, and be giving compliments for your true work. 

What you do can define who you're, but what you're passionated about will tell yourself who you're by giving in to your own desire and achieve greatness this will also build more character.


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## Swordsman of Mana (Jan 7, 2011)

Jor said:


> Really? How so? I have typed as 9w1 many times. I don't really know Enneagram.


9s are all about self forgetting. they fear discord and conflict, so they adopt a mindset of "everything is alright", "oh, I don't need that", "whatever you want. don't mind me"

basically, they tell themselves that they are not important, that they shouldn't have needs, preferences or strong desires because that has the potential to cause conflict and/or upset people.

when they start to again a little self awareness, they begin to ask "wait...who am I really? what do I _really_ want?". perhaps this is what's happening to you now


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## Deejaz (Feb 19, 2014)

oh..

first of all, you don't find yourself by trying to be someone else.
A person cannot just be a 'Musician', there are much more things to them.. much much more. You cannot try a stereotype on like a shirt and see if it fits you. If you think a 'shirt/stereotype' is meant to define you, then I think you see lowly of yourself. I believe in what you said about you having self-hatred issue. You run away from who you really are and try on something else... PTSD has probably got a lot to do with it. That's what I see, but you're the only one who can really know. 

okay, advice. I sorta need to know more but.. I'll see what I can give you at this point.
You want to love yourself? know yourself first; Mentally, Physically, Spiritually... your essence. The broad picture as well as the little things, don't have a perfect image or idea behind your head saying you're not good enough, eveyone's got good things and flaws which make them who they are. You're not made to fit in some stereotype perfectly as if you're hiding from something or someone or you're afraid to be alone, I really don't know. 
Once you _try_ to be something you think you are, you are not becoming more of you.. but less of you. This is making you 'sick' because it's tiring.. because you know it's not you. 
Learn to be comfortable in your own skin.
Surround yourself with people who appreciate just as you are, the 'you' without trying.
Some solitude might help, it helps me anyway.
having a journal helps me too, right down what you think, what you feel (love, hate, annoyed, passionate, inspired..), what you enjoy, what you are *grateful *for..

Do you remember a time when you knew who you were? perhaps, when you were more innocent?

I wish you good luck, here's some quotes to inspire... 

"Sometimes the only way to find yourself is to get completely lost." - Kellie Elmore
I guess when people are completely lost, they start looking for home..

"Ignore the drama, ignore the hatred, ignore the pain. Find peace, find happiness, find yourself" - anon

"You are confined only by the walls you build yourself."

"Let yourself be drawn by the strange pull of what you love. It will not lead you astray."
- rumi

F.L.Y. - First Love Yourself. others will come next.


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## OberonHuxley (Jun 2, 2013)

Hmmmm....if you want to find out who you are I can only suggest what has worked for me: severe and cold isolation. 

Don't get me wrong, I've gone out to the barn a few times but best not to drink. Isolation and total sobriety while simultaneously moving towards an objective. It's painful. You will go insane but you will discover who you are. 

If by any miraculous chance you decide to do this...tell Tyler I say high and make sure you have a safety net.

Most people crack after a few hours...try it for a few days and then resurface.


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## 124567 (Feb 12, 2013)

Forget MBTI, stereotypes, expectations, and enneagrams for a while. They put some kind of mental limitations on us. Imagine certain ways you would feel most yourself, that's the real you. You don't need to be only one type of person. Why not be colorful? Just like a puzzle, there are many sides to us, and all of the pieces makes 'US'. Now what kind of puzzle you want to build yourself into you is up to you. Pick the best part of everything you like. Be happy you're not a onesided person and can relate to different types of people like you said, hipsters, goths, etc.

Also I believe the majority of us have some form of PTSDs, it's not as uncommon as it seems.


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## Echoe (Apr 23, 2012)

A lot of people are still discovering themselves at your age, but if you're 9 it might be going more slowly for you. We have a tendency to ignore inner and outer problems for the sake of feeling pleasant, which is a very vague description. Here's something from a thread I recommend you read:

9's do not want to be affected--to experience unpleasantness, stress, and pain. They avoid these things by mentally checking out, by not being fully present to their own lives. The attitude of "I don't care" can be a powerful one, allowing them to give up when things get stressful and difficult without feeling the loss of what they have given up on. They may lack strong preferences and opinions, preferring to see all sides of things, but really this is a manifestation of acedia. It is easier to not choose a side because the middle path is sure to avoid offending or devaluing anyone who has differing views. Acedia causes 9's to take the path of least resistance, or to ignore and block out stress so they will not be disturbed. They may put off dealing with things if it will cause them stress, and they distract themselves with nonessential things. 

- http://personalitycafe.com/type-9-forum-peacemaker/148336-type-9-down-rabbit-hole.html


I definitely felt more self-knowing after delving into the Enneagram, wherein I discovered many fundamental and also nuanced aspects of myself, and it was useful knowledge too. My sense of identity fog dissipated after that pursuit, just from seeing new sights of myself and also trying to put it to use to counter-act bad habits that were leading to things like my identity fog. Much of my identity-finding also hasn't been about uncovering traits that were already there, but rather developing characteristics, such as values and beliefs, new hobbies, new interests, lifestyle habits, among other behaviors. Not trying to be an authoritarian nag (lol) with the last sentence, just noting that a lot of what could give you a strong sense of person is probably not already within at this point.
Anyway, even if you're not a 9, a lot of this advice should still apply.


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## Tezcatlipoca (Jun 6, 2014)

Be genuine and authentic


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## Lake Stranger (Oct 2, 2014)

How are you defining identity?

What other exploration have you done?

What if you adopted the idea that you are just plastic? Forget predefined identities. Authenticity is something that seems to be valued amongst INFP's. I think the type tends to have to deal with existential issues too- at least early on. If you'd like, I can bring somebody in here that might be willing to help. Dominant Fi can be pretty complex. I think the more things you experience, the more you can piece together who you are, just by what feels right. 

What are your experiences with various arts?


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## Jor (Sep 2, 2014)

Thank you all for replying. I'm getting paranoid that I may be an unhealthy type 4. I had this feeling like I felt like I was doomed to live with the disturbing unhealthy type 4 descriptions I read along with my severe anxiety and depression for the rest of my life and I almost got a panic attack. I'm really trying to get out of this mess of confusion. I try to see who I am and it just seems foggy and unclear. I just see a person who keeps trying to change his personality.



Lake Stranger said:


> How are you defining identity?


My entire personality, from something like my likes and dislikes, to things as shallow as the clothes and music I am interested in (the clothes and music _I_ am truly interested, without trying to cling to a wanted image or persona).




> What other exploration have you done?


Toward "finding myself?" I have tried to relax, so to speak; relax into my own self and stop being other things that I'm not. It's hard because I don't know what to relax into. "Should I go and buy new shoes since I've been wearing this personality's shoes and not my true personality's shoes?" That is a kind of question I ask myself. "But I don't know what shoes I want. I could look to shoes I wore in the past before I had identity issues, but I don't like those shoes anymore. They're too casual-looking, like something one of those swag guys would wear. I can't come off that way to others." That's the type of answer I tell myself. As you could tell from that "hypothetical" (they're actually real thoughts I've had) answer, I have this desire to be different. I can't be like the societal norm or mainstream; I can't go around wearing "swag" t-shirts, for example. I have to be different. It's my only sense of "pride" (though, as a Christian, I don't like saying that). If you're wondering why I feel the need to be different, I think it's a self-esteem thing. The mainstream "pretty boy" type attracts women and seems so successful and modern, and I'm not. It's like they're better than me but I can't be them, so I take pride in being different than them. I think things like, "wait til someone sees me compared to him. I'm so different that he will come off as an idiot, just as I want him to."
As silly as all of this may sound, it's actually true, and I'm done hiding it.



> What if you adopted the idea that you are just plastic? Forget predefined identities. Authenticity is something that seems to be valued amongst INFP's. I think the type tends to have to deal with existential issues too- at least early on. If you'd like, I can bring somebody in here that might be willing to help. Dominant Fi can be pretty complex. I think the more things you experience, the more you can piece together who you are, just by what feels right.


I like the plastic metaphor. I can try my best to stop acting certain ways, but it really is hard sometimes. Let me use a hypothetical example: My girlfriend leaves me for a different guy. He's a really mainstream kind of guy. He wears backwards hats, tries to be cool like most teenage guys (I find these kinds of people to be idiots). The only thing that can ease this emotional discomfort is for me to be as different than him as possible. So if he's funny, outgoing, and happy-go-lucky, I try my best to be serious, introverted, and dark.

Do you (or anyone else of course) think that this issue I'm having may be because of my young age? Do others have this identity problem and eventually "find" themselves as they get older? And I could use all the help I can get right now. I am going to plan on talking to a therapist about this.



> What are your experiences with various arts?


What do you mean exactly? I play guitar, I enjoy writing though I rarely feel a desire to do it, I would draw a little bit as a kid but didn't stick with it, I like music (though I've stayed away from it recently; different music leads to different moods/personalities for me which may cause some confusion right now). I have major depression and that usually leaves me with hardly any motivation to pursue any hobbies, but I have stuck with guitar for the most part.


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## Lake Stranger (Oct 2, 2014)

Well, the first point I'll make is that I think a tendency to deviate from the norm can be immensely useful in thought. I don't know what level of depth that need to be different rests, but skepticism can definitely drive you to find truths. A LOT of common belief is faulty. In being a little bit detached from norms, you'll be able to use that to potentially identify biases, irrational philosophies, alternate answers - and relating to my question about 'what are your experiences with various arts' - a somewhat unique interest in music, film, painting, or whatever your interest might be. A note worth making in relation to arts is that you can find a ridiculous amount on the internet, and in general you can make a decision to avoid reading comments. You can get on Netflix and explore somewhat diverse films without having to associate them with other people necessarily. You can get on youtube and explore music without reading comments, that way your perception of those people won't influence your opinion either. And I say this for the sake of exploring what you may or may not like. There is a lot of stuff that you can delve into, but goes unknown to most people. 

What music do (or did) you listen to?

I might respond to some of the other points later. It's an interesting post and I'm not quite sure how to fully respond yet. I have linked it to my 4type-INFP friend though, maybe she'll swoop in with some insights a little later.


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## rainrunner (Jul 15, 2014)

Some advice from someone a few years older and still haven't developed a good sense of identity (work in progress...perpetually, perhaps)...so ignore my advice if you like...

You're going to think I'm crazy, but I think you're in a good place right now, actively figuring out who you really are at such a young age. Without the commitments of a career or a family, now is the time to experiment! The only way to figure yourself out is explore the world for yourself and observe your interactions with the world. Observe how you respond in certain social situations. Observe your feelings - what energizes you? What makes you tick? What makes you sad? What angers you? Who attracts you? They say that the people and things you are attracted to say something about you. Try out new things - anything from backpacking solo to clubbing past midnight to building robots - anything that catches your curiosity. How do you know what you like if you don't give things a shot?

Also, with every crises comes opportunity for growth. Check out Dabrowski's Levels of Integration - Dabrowski's Levels. You may be at Level II right now. You are going to have some growing pains during your 20s. It gets better when you get older, gradually. One day, you will be comfortable in your own shoes and not be afraid to put on your own badge of authenticity - not by adamantly trying to not be someone you are not, but by simply being yourself and representing all the things you are.


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## mikan (May 25, 2014)

Reminds me of myself.

Person: Tell me about yourself.
Me: (Who am I?)


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## Angelic Gardevoir (Oct 7, 2010)

I believe everyone struggles with finding their identity to one degree or another, since society has such an influence on us and the collective wants to shape the individual. Ordinarily I would simply say focus on what _you_ like and want, but it seems as if you have difficulty even with that. All I can say, then, is to keep trying new things. You never know when you might find something that will click with you. And don't just try something just because you want to stand out, since that is just an image and not who you are. Everyone has their differences...but also their commonalities. No one is the exactly the same, but no one is completely unique either, as we are all human and share a few basic desires. Focus on what resonates with you as a person rather than consciously trying to stand out or be unique.


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## stiletto (Oct 26, 2013)

Identity doesn't mean you have to classify yourself with existing groups to feel like you belong.

Identity is accepting yourself, where ever and whoever you are. 

Yes, as an INFP you my feel like you relate to several different groups but not 100% in any particular group, but understand that that is part of being you. That IS your identity. And that it okay. Don't drive yourself down into a hole because of it.


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## Deejaz (Feb 19, 2014)

Isn't that the journey of life after all? 

To develop a sense of identity in what you do, what you think, what you say, what you believe. 

The journey is different for everyone I'm afraid, It's something you'll have to figure out yourself. You decide what you want to be.. Believe.. and you're halfway there. 
And if the road changes, we only learn more about ourselves. 


~Tapatalking ~


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## OberonHuxley (Jun 2, 2013)

It's a pointless thing to worry about really. In the end we all have a few years here on earth and then we're dust. Why waist your time trying to become a shiny marble. A marble is just a marble.


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## Daeva (Apr 18, 2011)

Swordsman of Mana said:


> @_Jor_
> *checks Enneagram type* this is probably the most un-4-ish thing I've seen in awhile.


How so?


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