# How to be loved



## Tad Cooper (Apr 10, 2010)

Basically I'm wondering how people can feel they're loved and how they feel they love others.
I'm not sure if I feel love or like I'm loved and would like to know what other people make of it.


----------



## unINFalliPle (Jul 8, 2012)

You be who you are and let others see it. They can grow to be fond of you. When someone mentions you or cares for your well being, goes out of their way to make sure things are going smoothly for you, when they want to see a smile on your face. 

When I love someone I want the same for them. I want to be with them and do things to make them happy. 

You feel secure and warm. You feel wanted, special, like you make a difference to someone. You look forward to time with that person. 

Now, I must go listen to The Beatles-All you need is love. 

<3


----------



## Miss Butterfly Girl (Aug 3, 2011)

When I feel loved I am comfortable and I can express my most deepest feelings and thoughts. I am physically affectionate with those I am close with. I am like paperplanes1 said, secure and warm. I go all out of my way to help them and try to be a good listener and support. Physical affection and lots of time together helps me to feel it the most.


----------



## Bear987 (May 13, 2012)

I read a book once about the (five) different languages of love, I reckon there is some truth to it. Basically, there's being generous, spending time or effort, saying nice things and physical touch. People are able to give and receive love through each of those ... channels, but we all have our preferences. To some, physical touch is more meaningful than words of affirmation for instance.

The only one I dislike is spending time, I guess. If we are done talking about something, there's only so much sitting around I can cope with before I get bored or uncomfortable.

@_tine_ Do these different languages of love ring a bell with you? Can you think of people who do stuff for you, or give you things, or who say nice things to you or enjoy spending time with you? These people probably do so out of love for you. Much in the same way: can you think of people you'd like to hang out with, or give things to, or talk to in a meaningful way, or do stuff for? It is very likely, I'd say, you'd be interested in doing so out of love for them.


----------



## Tad Cooper (Apr 10, 2010)

Bear987 said:


> I read a book once about the (five) different languages of love, I reckon there is some truth to it. Basically, there's being generous, spending time or effort, saying nice things and physical touch. People are able to give and receive love through each of those ... channels, but we all have our preferences. To some, physical touch is more meaningful than words of affirmation for instance.
> 
> The only one I dislike is spending time, I guess. If we are done talking about something, there's only so much sitting around I can cope with before I get bored or uncomfortable.
> 
> @_tine_ Do these different languages of love ring a bell with you? Can you think of people who do stuff for you, or give you things, or who say nice things to you or enjoy spending time with you? These people probably do so out of love for you. Much in the same way: can you think of people you'd like to hang out with, or give things to, or talk to in a meaningful way, or do stuff for? It is very likely, I'd say, you'd be interested in doing so out of love for them.


That sounds interesting! What sort of types do what?
I know people who do similar things so maybe!


----------



## Noir Desir (Aug 9, 2012)

Sometimes I'm wondering the same thing..I mean, I hear people saying "i love you" and stuff like that, but what do they mean by this? Sometomes I feel like I care about someone, I want to learn more about them, I want them to be OK, happy ect., or that they feel the same about me, but that's not love. I don't think I am capable of loving anyone.


----------



## Trinidad (Apr 16, 2010)

Try the Love Languages test here. My advice is to use the one for singles, the wives and husbands tests are too restrictive and some questions are even biased.

FWIW I think the word Love is highly overused nowadays. The more you use it, the less meaning it has. Well, to me personally. I don't think I've truly _loved_ more than four people in my entire life.


----------



## Bear987 (May 13, 2012)

tine said:


> That sounds interesting! What sort of types do what?
> I know people who do similar things so maybe!


I don't know if or how the concept of the 5 languages of love relates to MBTI personality types. I do think that introverts wouldn't be too keen on spending loads of time with others and that artisans are generally very generous. So, I guess the two are not totally unrelated.

@_Trinidad_ posted a link where you can do a test to find out what your preferences are concerning the love languages. I think a little reflection will get you a long way, but the test might be helpful to steer your thinking into the right direction.


----------



## Bear987 (May 13, 2012)

Noir Desir said:


> I don't think I am capable of loving anyone.


How do you define "love" then? (Maybe your idea of what constitutes love, is out of reach for anyone.)


----------



## Tad Cooper (Apr 10, 2010)

Thanks!
I'm bad at reflecting on myself (I end up very confused or reaching strange conclusions which don't mean much).
Did the test:

7Words of Affirmation8Quality Time0Receiving Gifts9Acts of Service6Physical Touch


----------



## Trinidad (Apr 16, 2010)

Bear987 said:


> I don't know if or how the concept of the 5 languages of love relates to MBTI personality types. I do think that introverts wouldn't be too keen on spending loads of time with others and that artisans are generally very generous. So, I guess the two are not totally unrelated.


Actually, I'm ISTJ and my main Love Language is Quality Time


----------



## Bear987 (May 13, 2012)

Trinidad said:


> Actually, I'm ISTJ and my main Love Language is Quality Time


Thanks for sharing, when I thought about Chapman's ideas about love and the temperament indicator - I reckoned they might be more closely related to each other than I suspected at first glance.

Now that I think about it, the difference in love habits - or languages - is a logical result of the difference in personality traits. We love the way we are. Since we are different, we love in different ways.


----------



## Trinidad (Apr 16, 2010)

Bear987 said:


> Thanks for sharing, when I thought about Chapman's ideas about love and the temperament indicator - I reckoned they might be more closely related to each other than I suspected at first glance.
> 
> Now that I think about it, the difference in love habits - or languages - is a logical result of the difference in personality traits. We love the way we are. Since we are different, we love in different ways.


Exactly. The love languages test different things. MBTI is for cognitive functions, enneagram for motivations and Love Languages (they should shorten it to LL or something) for, well, how we express and experience love 
There _are_ relations, like ISFJs often being type two's in enneagram and INTJs usually fives or ones, but it's not set in stone.

And Quality Time doesn't necessarily mean spending lots of time with loads of people, to me it means spending one on one time with someone close to me, totally focussed on each other, no distractions. This seems very introverted to me.


----------



## Temur (Jun 14, 2012)

You got to love yourself first


----------



## Razare (Apr 21, 2009)

tine said:


> Basically I'm wondering how people can feel they're loved and how they feel they love others.
> I'm not sure if I feel love or like I'm loved and would like to know what other people make of it.


I love your avatar if that helps.

Episode 5 FTW!!!


----------



## Tad Cooper (Apr 10, 2010)

Razare said:


> I love your avatar if that helps.
> 
> Episode 5 FTW!!!


haha yeah, it's an awesome anime! (I'm on episode 9 and have the complete collection).


----------



## Playful Proxy (Feb 6, 2012)

Trinidad said:


> Try the Love Languages test here. My advice is to use the one for singles, the wives and husbands tests are too restrictive and some questions are even biased.
> 
> FWIW I think the word Love is highly overused nowadays. The more you use it, the less meaning it has. Well, to me personally. I don't think I've truly _loved_ more than four people in my entire life.


I actually took a look at the test, and the biggest thing that got me, is that it included close friends among the love language. I don't really seek for my close friends to touch me. I prefer quality time, but from a loved one or SO, touch is far more important. The fact that they failed to separate the two tells me that their definition of love is more along the lines of not necessarily 'love', but simply how you prefer to act around people. In fact, I can say from firsthand experience that if I am spending quality time with a girl and if she does not provide some sort of affirmation of how she feels, it will drive me nuts internally because then I begin to question motives.

With friends spending time with me, the simple fact that they are spending time with me acts as affirmation enough that they are a friend and therefore, I am sufficed. They are there because they enjoy my company or else they would not be there. With girls, there are two motives in play: 1) They enjoy you as friends 2) They are attracted to you
Differentiating between the two is one line that is a pain to see clearly.


----------



## Trinidad (Apr 16, 2010)

Signify said:


> I actually took a look at the test, and the biggest thing that got me, is that it included close friends among the love language. I don't really seek for my close friends to touch me. I prefer quality time, but from a loved one or SO, touch is far more important. The fact that they failed to separate the two tells me that their definition of love is more along the lines of not necessarily 'love', but simply how you prefer to act around people. In fact, I can say from firsthand experience that if I am spending quality time with a girl and if she does not provide some sort of affirmation of how she feels, it will drive me nuts internally because then I begin to question motives.
> 
> With friends spending time with me, the simple fact that they are spending time with me acts as affirmation enough that they are a friend and therefore, I am sufficed. They are there because they enjoy my company or else they would not be there. With girls, there are two motives in play: 1) They enjoy you as friends 2) They are attracted to you
> Differentiating between the two is one line that is a pain to see clearly.


Then by all means take the test for husbands and substitute 'wife' with girlfriend or love interest, see if you get different results. I've taken all three tests and like you my touch score is higher with partners and family.

And if you want to know a girls motivation for spending time with you, you _could_ just ask her. It's amazing what a simple bold question can do :wink:


----------



## INTJellectual (Oct 22, 2011)

Learn to love yourself first. By doing that, you attract someone who loves you for who you are, not for who they wanted you to be. You will feel love if they have genuine care and concern for you through actions or through words. And they don't want anything bad to happen to you. People who don't love you just wouldn't care whatever you do.


----------



## Kelvin (May 30, 2012)

The "love yourself first" is a very good advice. But there's also something else I'd like to suggest. 

It's important to feel that you deserve love and it's really okay to ask for it. 

Very often, people in relationships feels like they being selfish in that they want to be loved and recieve expressions of love such as someone doing favours for them or physical touch. 

A successful relationship require both parties to contribute, provide mutual understanding and respect, so it's absolutely alright to ask for love and for them to express it. Surely, there are people who is not as good at expressing it as others. This is the part where _you_ have to actively understand them and give them the time to slowly express it. 

Even if have hardship in terms of expression, if they really love you, they will definitely improve themselves. They may not ever be able to show love in a way that's mushy or swooning, but of course, this is the part where you show understand and realize that they're trying. (Obviously, you're expected to do the same and improve on areas you need in order for the relationship to be even more statisfying).

I don't really think that asking someone to improve or improving yourself for someone is unauthentic. I mean, there are no perfect relationships. By no means am I saying you should be someone who you're not, but since we all have strengths and weaknesses, why is it bad if you just want to be a better person (keep your strengths and improve on your weaknesses) for your loved one? If anything, it shows that you care for them.


----------

