# To have so much love and feel like you still can't fall IN love...



## mllesentiment (Oct 12, 2010)

I know that typical reactions to statements like these have something to do with not having the right person come along or needing to be more open. But I am starting to feel like I will not fall in love. I'm so concerned with being at peace with the soul, loving thy neighborhood, and having a unwavering compassion for everyone. For a long time I was prone to not taking care of myself nor liking myself. I've felt like that was holding me back from doing this or having anyone actually love me. Now that I'm slowly figuring out my life, losing whatever self-absorption that was holding me back, and coming to terms with my self, I feel like this life pursuit becomes easier to adhere to. Basically, I was beginning to understand that being yourself (this is who I am and what I feel strongly about) isn't something that should ever be a burden. Yes I know that's self-esteem 101, but I've had certain events and an inferiority complex that has made this difficult to grasp as a child. However the sweet melancholy to all this wonderful self-actualization is that I am somewhat sacrificing the desire to pursue what people might term 'personal happiness' (I.e finding that special someone). I thought I feared being lonely but I keep on having a vision of being by myself and saving all my love for everyone else. As if my life will be one long and sweet solitude. I feel like I can't fall in love with someone because I may not let myself actually do it. Like I transformed romantic love into the kind of deep love you give to your family and friends and to others who just plain need it. I'm sorry if this sounds sad but I don't quite feel like this is bad for me. Visions, gut-feelings, and epiphanies fueled by intuition resonate deeply inside of me. My INTP friend thought it was the most depressing thing she ever heard, but I do have a hard time trying to explain this without making it seem like a very sad thing. I'm hoping you all can understand where I'm coming from. Perhaps I just don't see myself capable of singling someone out, or my lack of experience in the field during an important phase of my life is making me think this way. Still, instead of feeling like a lonely 20 year old, the thought is actually putting my otherwise passionate soul to a peaceful rest. Does this make any sense to anyone?

P.S Sorry for the rant. I'm not very good at articulating my scattered thoughts. I could probably say three times as much and still not get it out quite right. Also I am most certainly NOT insinuating that people who have SO's cannot manage that whole 'loving everyone' thing. I mean we're F's for crying out loud! I'm just describing an odd attachment to a certain kind of hermitage for lack of a better word.


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## Clementia (Nov 8, 2010)

eldagrimm said:


> I'm sorry if this sounds sad but I don't quite feel like this is bad for me. Visions, gut-feelings, and epiphanies fueled by intuition resonate deeply inside of me. My INTP friend thought it was the most depressing thing she ever heard, but I do have a hard time trying to explain this without making it seem like a very sad thing. I'm hoping you all can understand where I'm coming from. Perhaps I just don't see myself capable of singling someone out, or my lack of experience in the field during an important phase of my life is making me think this way. Still, instead of feeling like a lonely 20 year old, the thought is actually putting my otherwise passionate soul to a peaceful rest. Does this make any sense to anyone?


It sounds like you are maybe just taking time to get to know yourself, and work out who you are and what you want, and one day you might wake up and feel ready for a relationship, but until then, don't let anyone hurry you. You are so young, you have plenty of time. I think it is great that you are doing so much work on yourself at such a young age, it probably means that when you get a little older and do enter into a relationship, it will be that much more successful because you will know who you are and what you want.

If you don't think it is a bad thing for you in the meantime, then it isn't - your happiness is all that matters. It doesn't sound like you feel a deep lack of something, or an unfulfilled need, you sound pretty fine with where you are at. I'm glad you don't feel lonely. :happy:

I definitely used to feel the way you do, when I was younger, but as I got older I got more selfish and now want someone all my own to hug and squeeze :crazy:



eldagrimm said:


> I could probably say three times as much and still not get it out quite right.


Haha, I can definitely relate to that!!


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## myosotis (Jun 30, 2010)

Hi again! 
I feel the same and I totally understand you. I used to be puzzled at why I can't fall in love, and I've just left it at that and accept that I probably won't ever and I'm content with that; I feel like I can contribute more to the world by being a single person. Do lots of volunteering around the world, administer health care to underprivileged places, devote myself to my work, etc. Not something my SJ mother prefers me to do (she wants me to find a husband, settle down, have kids, live in a house with a white picket fence :tongue but she's starting to be okay with it haha.


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## LittleHawk (Feb 15, 2011)

Pretty much everything you said resonates with me. The only thing I can say, which has helped for me, is try putting less pressure on yourself and your feelings regarding love. Try to accept that life is unpredictable and sometimes our own feelings are too. Best of luck, thankyou so much for taking the time to express your feelings :happy:


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## SuperNova85 (Feb 21, 2011)

I went through the exact same thing....I used to have very low self esteem and that kept me from from falling in love with anyone else.
After all, how can you love anyone else unless you love yourself... But after I really got to know and appreciate who I was...I almost immediately fell in love........I believe when your self esteem is low, you sub-consciously keep your heart guarded to keep from being hurt. What I would advise you to do is to just let go and let it flow and don't "try to fall in love". Love has it's own rules when it's ready to find you.........believe me it will hit you at the least expected moment


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## owlet (May 7, 2010)

I feel that way. I like a lot of people, but it'd have to be a GREAT person who made me fall in love with them. If I even start thinking about loving someone, I feel apathetic.

I think that, until you've loved someone, you'll never know what to look for. I'm fairly sure a lot of it is trial and error, but it's being willing to risk a mess-up (and that's a scary thought). Plus, how do you even go about finding someone? XD There are too many possibilities and unanswered questions, so you feel like you're floating in an empty space grasping at nothing, becuase you don't know what you're looking for.

Not very helpful, but at least you know it's not just you ^^"


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## Compassionate Misanthrope (Mar 2, 2011)

I fell in love 3 times before I met my wife... out of going on dates with about 50 girls. Are you dating? No dating == no lovey. 

Love is a beautiful addiction to another person, but you can't very well get addicted without imbibing their presence romantically... man that is an awkward turn of phrase but I'm leaving it there all the same


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## fenrir (Jun 16, 2010)

Compassionate Misanthrope said:


> I fell in love 3 times before I met my wife... out of going on dates with about 50 girls. Are you dating? No dating == no lovey.
> 
> Love is a beautiful addiction to another person, but you can't very well get addicted without imbibing their presence romantically... man that is an awkward turn of phrase but I'm leaving it there all the same


Congrats! Would we as NFs have to go on that many dates in order to find the one? It seems that for us to achieve a deep connection, we will have to go through a lot of broken heart moments.


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## mllesentiment (Oct 12, 2010)

To answer Compassionate Misanthrope, I don't date. But I can't even bring myself to try even doing that as there seems to be little interest in that kind of thing amongst the people I see on a daily basis. I've never had anyone ask me out and frankly, I've never been a good candidate for the dating scene. I've been far more open and friendlier ever since I started to understand and accept myself but like I said, that seems to only get me more friends of all types than anything.


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## Compassionate Misanthrope (Mar 2, 2011)

fenrir said:


> Congrats! Would we as NFs have to go on that many dates in order to find the one? It seems that for us to achieve a deep connection, we will have to go through a lot of broken heart moments.


I dunno lol... it was that way for me. And I was infatuated/inlust with far more than 4 women haha.


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## Compassionate Misanthrope (Mar 2, 2011)

eldagrimm said:


> To answer Compassionate Misanthrope, I don't date. But I can't even bring myself to try even doing that as there seems to be little interest in that kind of thing amongst the people I see on a daily basis. I've never had anyone ask me out and frankly, I've never been a good candidate for the dating scene. I've been far more open and friendlier ever since I started to understand and accept myself but like I said, that seems to only get me more friends of all types than anything.


Usually the people I dated were people that I had just met when the romantic interest began. Have you tried dating sites/services? These things wouldn't exist is if was easy for everyone to just run into a potential mate.


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## mllesentiment (Oct 12, 2010)

Compassionate Misanthrope said:


> Usually the people I dated were people that I had just met when the romantic interest began. Have you tried dating sites/services? These things wouldn't exist is if was easy for everyone to just run into a potential mate.


 I guess I'm not interested in doing it that way. If I were got to rely on a third party, it would have to be someone I know and trust very well. Plus, I really have not accepted dating as anything that would be good for me personally unless I've known the person for a decent amount of time.


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## Compassionate Misanthrope (Mar 2, 2011)

eldagrimm said:


> I guess I'm not interested in doing it that way. If I were got to rely on a third party, it would have to be someone I know and trust very well. Plus, I really have not accepted dating as anything that would be good for me personally unless I've known the person for a decent amount of time.


I think that it is hard enough to meet true friends, much less true loves, without putting restrictions on occupation, color, age, or especially where/how you'll meet them.


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## mllesentiment (Oct 12, 2010)

Compassionate Misanthrope said:


> I think that it is hard enough to meet true friends, much less true loves, without putting restrictions on occupation, color, age, or especially where/how you'll meet them.


What do you mean by that? Not sure I'm properly connecting this with what I said before.


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## Compassionate Misanthrope (Mar 2, 2011)

eldagrimm said:


> What do you mean by that? Not sure I'm properly connecting this with what I said before.


Well you listed a few reasons why a particular way of meeting potential lovers is not acceptable. So you are worried about the circumstances under which you might meet someone, and letting that hold you back from potentially making a connection. I don't think that this is a successful strategy.


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## mllesentiment (Oct 12, 2010)

Compassionate Misanthrope said:


> Well you listed a few reasons why a particular way of meeting potential lovers is not acceptable. So you are worried about the circumstances under which you might meet someone, and letting that hold you back from potentially making a connection. I don't think that this is a successful strategy.


Oh well then I guess I should just say that I don't think I like dating. I thought that that was what I was implying. Of course I know I'm not meeting anyone by not dating, but the purpose of this post is trying to explain that I think I'm going to be quite all right being a 'hermit' and focusing on the love and compassion I feel for others. I know you believe that I would actually have to 'date' or order to really come to some sort of conclusion about romantic love but for now I'm just saying I would accept this lifestyle and I'm glad I'm not actually feeling lonely at 21. Plus I don't mean to say that finding people this way is not acceptable, I just don't believe it'll work too well for me because of the way I am. Also, I probably should have mentioned some cultural reasons play into me avoiding this kind of dating. But, goodness I see nothing wrong with it and I know my 'desired circumstances' would rarely if ever lead to success.


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## Compassionate Misanthrope (Mar 2, 2011)

eldagrimm said:


> Oh well then I guess I should just say that I don't think I like dating. I thought that that was what I was implying. Of course I know I'm not meeting anyone by not dating, but the purpose of this post is trying to explain that I think I'm going to be quite all right being a 'hermit' and focusing on the love and compassion I feel for others. I know you believe that I would actually have to 'date' or order to really come to some sort of conclusion about romantic love but for now I'm just saying I would accept this lifestyle and I'm glad I'm not actually feeling lonely at 21. Plus I don't mean to say that finding people this way is not acceptable, I just don't believe it'll work too well for me because of the way I am. Also, I probably should have mentioned some cultural reasons play into me avoiding this kind of dating. But, goodness I see nothing wrong with it and I know my 'desired circumstances' would rarely if ever lead to success.


I'm sorry I think I fixated on the part where you said that you would like to find romantic love. So long as you're happy living as you are then that is what matters!


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## strawberryLola (Sep 19, 2010)

eldagrimm said:


> I probably should have mentioned some cultural reasons play into me avoiding this kind of dating.


 It sounds like there is a pressure to conform to what others are doing, and also the pressure to form a personal identity, which seems to serve far more beneficially than what the others are doing..

It also seems like you have not only a strong sense of self, but a value system that has served you well.

Based on reading the responses, I think you will find someone more closely aligned to who you are someday, any day, but not quite right now, which is okay, because you know what you want and you are happy at where you are at. It is far worse to throw ourselves at others as a way to compromise who we are because we start to lose ourselves. I think you are on a peaceful and fulfilling journey. We may question ourselves sometimes when there are external added pressures, but listen to yourself and what works for you, because no one will quite understand the depths of your own happiness than yourself. So go for it! Besides, I think when we are happy ourselves, the more we are likely to attract similar!


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## unico (Feb 3, 2011)

I can relate to some of this. I wanted to die a virgin for my whole adolescence. I couldn't imagine having a good romantic relationship with someone -- I would rather focus on friends, family, and volunteering. My low self-esteem and fear of things going wrong was probably part of the reason I couldn't imagine having a successful romantic relationship. I have a serious boyfriend now, though, and I don't feel my love for others is more limited now that I also have a relationship. I think for most people romantic relationships and other types of love can occur simultaneously without problem. Though some people just do prefer to remain single.


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## sarek (May 20, 2010)

I never truly loved romantically until I was 44. But then the right one came along at the right time.


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## IcarusDreams (Apr 23, 2011)

eldagrimm said:


> Oh well then I guess I should just say that I don't think I like dating. I thought that that was what I was implying. Of course I know I'm not meeting anyone by not dating, but the purpose of this post is trying to explain that I think I'm going to be quite all right being a 'hermit' and focusing on the love and compassion I feel for others. I know you believe that I would actually have to 'date' or order to really come to some sort of conclusion about romantic love but for now I'm just saying I would accept this lifestyle and I'm glad I'm not actually feeling lonely at 21. Plus I don't mean to say that finding people this way is not acceptable, I just don't believe it'll work too well for me because of the way I am. Also, I probably should have mentioned some cultural reasons play into me avoiding this kind of dating. But, goodness I see nothing wrong with it and I know my 'desired circumstances' would rarely if ever lead to success.


Your words touch my heart... although I am not INFJ, I made a sad "pact" when I was young and foolish, that I would focus on serving others (all the while KNOWING quite well that, unlike you, I did have romantic feelings from time to time to people around me). I did serve others with my heart, and loved my friends and my people, but I have since abandoned such pact, and am much different right now. I hope it's a decision you are in peace with, and I commend you for choosing this path. In my case... I didn't know myself, I was fooling myself, and I was just trying to cope with the fact that I was super shy back then. By doing that (negating love in my life) basically I was avoiding having to become less shy and adapt. I just hid in my shell, although I always had nice friends that I cared for, and they cared for me.

Also, although for different reasons, we also don't like the idea of dating too much. I don't know that game, nor do I want to play it. I was born in a country were "dating" was nonexistent, but besides that, I just am so genuine, and don't like to play a game with a woman. I find it so incredible how people like Compassionate Misanthrope can do it without problems. And yes, I have tried dating, but have had not too many dates. I do feel it's a societal construct, and an horrible one that should not be forced to us (wish it was optional, instead-on the contrary, seems like everybody else but me is used to it!) Sorry, but I do not mean any offense at any of you: I know that "dating" is "normal" and "expected!" The "rules" annoy me, because usually they go against my principles (and I am not talking religion, more like authenticity and being yourself.) It saddens me a little, I admit, as I wish I could easily adapt to dating, but it's extra hard for me. I am not that shy anymore, pretty confident actually, but still find all that asking email/number nonsense so ALIEN, as a language I wasn't meant to learn. 

I wish you well on your journey, Ms. eldagrimm, and SO happy that you are able to feel comfort and personal fulfillment in helping others. It's so awesome and admirable. You really have tons of love to give for free! I also revel in helping others, but can't deny that it would also be nice to be loved back one day. 

Follow your dream!

IcarusDreams


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## xezene (Aug 7, 2010)

Falling "in" love is a state of completely letting go, being completely _taken_ by someone.

The only way it can happen is if you aren't trying to make it happen. Because when you are trying to make it happen, you aren't focused on what's happening, you are only focused on trying to make it happen and the overall lack of what you don't have. So often we really _see_ the clouds when we daydream...in the same way, we really _see_ the person and can fall in love when we let go of wanting it.


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## Intricate Mystic (Apr 3, 2010)

Your description of wanting to give love to other people in general and avoid romantic entanglements reminds me very much of what priests and nuns do. It's why they remain celibate. The idea is that being free from the demands of romantic love allows them to fully focus on giving a Christ-like love to all of the people they interact with in life.


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## 21954 (May 7, 2011)

I've thought a lot about this "falling in love" question. I've been single for 10 years and have dated on and off, but no "luck" so far. And luck doesn't feel like the right word, because I have to admit I don't even know if I want to fall in love! Sometimes I wish I weren't single, but then I look at married women my age and I can't say I'd want to switch places, soooooo.....


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