# Should spouses indvidually be able to make new (platonic) friends of the opposite sex



## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

Mendi the ISFJ said:


> Back to the same old question of whether men and women can be friends. What i want to know specifically is if you think your spouse (or spouses in general) should be able to go out and make new friends of the opposite sex? Also please state if you are in a relationship.



I've been married for 13 years. I can't imagine making it this far if my wife wouldn't let me have the friends I choose.


----------



## Stretch Armstrong (Sep 10, 2012)

A hard nosed approach to forming such relationships might get you an entirely new lifestyle that isn't supportive to the plural name on your mailbox. However it's important to keep healthy relationships of either gender without entertaining desire to take them camping without your other half. If the question intends to take issue with lunchtime friendships then there is no issue as such friendships are essential. Why take 50% of the people that you might get along well with out of your life based purely by gender? I do suppose there are as many views as there are choices in lifestyle. I myself will not be taking any new women I meet fishing without first getting explicit prior approval from the captain


----------



## bsrk1 (Jul 18, 2012)

yeah, i am a huge supporter of do what ever the fuck you want with your life. If im dating a chick, she can be friends with whome ever she wants. If i didnt trust her i wouldnt be dating her long term.

Once i had this girlfriend who was texting a guy. I asked her who she was talking to and she said "this guy im friends with." I was like oh thats cool. A couple days later she was like "why dont you care about me, you just let me talk to random guys?" I was like wtf?? needless to say that relationship didnt last long because she was to damn needy. im an istp by the way.


----------



## telepariah (Jun 20, 2011)

I do go camping with friends who are female. I do not have sex with them. My wife is free to have friends who are male. If we didn't have that level of trust we wouldn't have a relationship.


----------



## DiamondDays (Sep 4, 2012)

I don't own anýbody, so how could i suppose to tell them who to befriend? That being said i've been in the situation where my girlfriends best friend was a guy quite obviously in love with her and it got on my nerves. Actually i dunked his head in a toilet, but that's another story.


----------



## zelder (Apr 17, 2011)

Mendi the ISFJ said:


> Back to the same old question of whether men and women can be friends. What i want to know specifically is if you think your spouse (or spouses in general) should be able to go out and make new friends of the opposite sex? Also please state if you are in a relationship.


I wouldn't trust myself to have female friends. Seems weird and inappropriate to have female friends that I spend time with separate from my wife. The only thing I do without my wife is go to work. We do pretty much everything else together. We spend time with friends together.

I will also admit that as much as I love my wife and I don't want my relationship with her to ever end, the Coolidge effect is very much alive and well in me. I would love to fuck other women if I could without hurting my wife and family. Hanging out with female friends separate from my wife would be stupid. I care to much about my marriage to play with fire like that. 

On the flip side, naturally it would make me uncomfortable if my wife were hanging out with other dudes without me. Even if she were not romantically interested at all, I know how she functions. If the other guy were interested in her and knew what he was doing it would not be that hard to seduce her. It's just biology, it's easy to get caught up in the moment.


----------



## zelder (Apr 17, 2011)

Mendi the ISFJ said:


> Back to the same old question of whether men and women can be friends. What i want to know specifically is if you think your spouse (or spouses in general) should be able to go out and make new friends of the opposite sex? Also please state if you are in a relationship.


I want to know what you think Mendi and why do you ask the question?


----------



## Mendi the ISFJ (Jul 28, 2011)

zelder said:


> I want to know what you think Mendi and why do you ask the question?


I think i can see both sides, on one hand you want to give, and your partner probably deserves the level of freedom in which they can do as they please. But theres always that question of insecurity for either partner considering we can only assume they are doing the right thing. I mostly asked the question because i can see both sides and because im aware that my husband probably wouldnt like me hanging out with guy friends without him. I like to ask questions that give me an idea of the cultural norms, to determine if things in my life are unusual or not.


----------



## zelder (Apr 17, 2011)

Mendi the ISFJ said:


> I think i can see both sides, on one hand you want to give, and your partner probably deserves the level of freedom in which they can do as they please. But theres always that question of insecurity for either partner considering we can only assume they are doing the right thing. I mostly asked the question because i can see both sides and because im aware that my husband probably wouldnt like me hanging out with guy friends without him. I like to ask questions that give me an idea of the cultural norms, to determine if things in my life are unusual or not.


I would ignore statements made by anyone not married. The general consensus expressed on this thread is way outside the norm from what I have seen and experience in the real world. I know a lot a happily married couples and it is generally accepted and obvious that spending time alone with people of the opposite sex is taboo once you are married. My wife is not a jealous person but nevertheless, it probably would be a bad idea for me be hanging out with women without my wife.

If couples can have friends of the opposite sex and nobody is bothered by it then great. In relationships you go at the pace of the slowest member and if the relationship is important to you, you don't do things that illicit jealousy and insecurity in your lover.


----------



## FlaviaGemina (May 3, 2012)

1) Yes, they should be able to make friends of the opposite sex independently.
2) Yes, I'm in a relationship, been together for 7 years, married for 3 years.

But it depends on people's background really. If someone never used to be interested in having friends of the opposite sex and then suddenly made friends with a member of the opposite sex, their partner would be entitled to find it a bit strange.


----------



## Ryan (Sep 6, 2010)

Define "friends". Do you mean acquaintances? Or do you literally mean my wife should inform me when I get home from work that she's going to the movies with Bob? If that's what you mean I respond with a resounding no. Why wouldn't you want to be places with your spouse? If she's 'going out with friends', why the heck wouldn't she want you to accompany her? Aren't you supposed to marry your best friend? What happens of Bob calls her every other night and they chat for an hour each time, is that OK? I need to know what you mean, and I need you to give me examples, because this whole mentality of 'I will befriend whoeverthefuckIwant' is utter rubbish and childish. Yes, there needs to be some level of autonomy in any healthy relationship, but there also needs to be respect; and if you respect and love your spouse, you're not going to be hanging out with people from the other sex--there will be no desire... there should be no desire. If there is that desire there, you need to look in the mirror and stop making 'idowhateveriwant' excuses. 

(I am in a LTR)


----------



## Ryan (Sep 6, 2010)

Mendi the ISFJ said:


> I think i can see both sides, on one hand you want to give, and your partner probably deserves the level of freedom in which they can do as they please. But theres always that question of insecurity for either partner considering we can only assume they are doing the right thing. I mostly asked the question because i can see both sides and because im aware that my husband probably wouldnt like me hanging out with guy friends without him. I like to ask questions that give me an idea of the cultural norms, to determine if things in my life are unusual or not.


"norms"? Huh? You're married. You do what works for you and your husband and your comfort levels, not what everyone else does. As soon as you start judging yourself off of what everyone else is doing, you will lose focus of who you are and what makes you happy. Asking the question for the sake of knowing is just fine, but I implore you not to use any of the data in this thread in any way to alter your marriage. If you feel something is wrong/missing, talk about it with your spouse under the pretense that you feel something is off; not because 'everyone else does it'.


----------



## FlaviaGemina (May 3, 2012)

Ryan said:


> *"norms"? Huh? You're married. You do what works for you and your husband and your comfort levels, not what everyone else does. As soon as you start judging yourself off of what everyone else is doing, you will lose focus of who you are and what makes you happy*. Asking the question for the sake of knowing is just fine, but I implore you not to use any of the data in this thread in any way to alter your marriage. If you feel something is wrong/missing, talk about it with your spouse under the pretense that you feel something is off; not because 'everyone else does it'.


She's an ISFJ, this is what they do. It makes them happy to do what everyone else is doing. @Mendi the ISFJ , sorry about the cliché.
However, I think this thread is not representative of society as a whole. From what I can tell, most people (especially in the US) consider it inappropriate to be friends with members of the opposite sex when you're married.


----------



## Ryan (Sep 6, 2010)

FlaviaGemina said:


> However, I think this thread is not representative of society as a whole.


Nor should it be--ever. You should only ever do what works best for you in your own life--never what works for someone else. These responses should be completely subjective, and as a result should not reflect any group, and should never be used to determine what is best for any group. 

Asking for the sake of asking is fine--I always love to hear different POV's, but I know what works for me and what does not work for me--and so should everyone else. End of story.


----------



## zelder (Apr 17, 2011)

Ryan said:


> Define "friends". Do you mean acquaintances? Or do you literally mean my wife should inform me when I get home from work that she's going to the movies with Bob?


The question is so absurd that it made me laugh. I'm going to bump this and ask Mendi what exactly the question is. What does it mean to have "friends" of the opposite sex when you are married?


----------



## ibage (May 5, 2012)

Redacted. 

But yes, I believe that men and women can just be friends.


----------



## Mendi the ISFJ (Jul 28, 2011)

Ryan said:


> Define "friends". Do you mean acquaintances? Or do you literally mean my wife should inform me when I get home from work that she's going to the movies with Bob? If that's what you mean I respond with a resounding no. Why wouldn't you want to be places with your spouse? If she's 'going out with friends', why the heck wouldn't she want you to accompany her? Aren't you supposed to marry your best friend? What happens of Bob calls her every other night and they chat for an hour each time, is that OK? I need to know what you mean, and I need you to give me examples, because this whole mentality of 'I will befriend whoeverthefuckIwant' is utter rubbish and childish. Yes, there needs to be some level of autonomy in any healthy relationship, but there also needs to be respect; and if you respect and love your spouse, you're not going to be hanging out with people from the other sex--there will be no desire... there should be no desire. If there is that desire there, you need to look in the mirror and stop making 'idowhateveriwant' excuses.
> 
> (I am in a LTR)


i mean a real friend, one they would treat as they treat a close female friend, so yes, going to the movies, shopping or whatever else friends do. I dont see that in all marriages couples would want to be together 24/7 and its not likely that they could be if they wanted to.


----------



## Mendi the ISFJ (Jul 28, 2011)

Ryan said:


> "norms"? Huh? You're married. You do what works for you and your husband and your comfort levels, not what everyone else does. As soon as you start judging yourself off of what everyone else is doing, you will lose focus of who you are and what makes you happy. Asking the question for the sake of knowing is just fine, but I implore you not to use any of the data in this thread in any way to alter your marriage. If you feel something is wrong/missing, talk about it with your spouse under the pretense that you feel something is off; not because 'everyone else does it'.


its not specifically to do what everyone else does, but to factor in what is normal and what is unacceptable behavior. My husband is ISTJ and i am ISFJ so alot of times when i want to bring up something to him it helps to let him know what percieved normal behavior is. For some reason this helps my argument. I agree that we have to look at it on a individual level, but i also like to discuss my thoughts with others much like an INTJ would debate.


----------



## DeductiveReasoner (Feb 25, 2011)

I don't see why not. Just because I talk to a man, doesn't mean I intend to eventually do him.

I'm single, btw.


----------



## Mendi the ISFJ (Jul 28, 2011)

FlaviaGemina said:


> She's an ISFJ, this is what they do. It makes them happy to do what everyone else is doing. @_Mendi the ISFJ_ , sorry about the cliché.
> However, I think this thread is not representative of society as a whole. From what I can tell, most people (especially in the US) consider it inappropriate to be friends with members of the opposite sex when you're married.


well i obviously always use common sense when making decisions and wouldnt just go with the flow off a cliff. I wouldnt say doing what everyone else does makes us happy, but i cant really decide in this moment what it is exactly. Perhaps we just want to not be acting ridiculously, so society is there as comparison. Its not to say we arent unique.


----------



## Ryan (Sep 6, 2010)

Mendi the ISFJ said:


> i mean a real friend, one they would treat as they treat a close female friend, so yes, going to the movies, shopping or whatever else friends do. I dont see that in all marriages couples would want to be together 24/7 and its not likely that they could be if they wanted to.


Movies? Shopping? Absolutely not. 

I start typing all of the reasons this would be unacceptable and why, and one thing leads to the next. There are literally hundreds of reasons this wouldn't be OK for me. To each their own, but I cannot fathom such a scenario where I would be OK with it on a continued basis.


----------



## zelder (Apr 17, 2011)

Ryan said:


> Movies? Shopping? Absolutely not.
> 
> I start typing all of the reasons this would be unacceptable and why, and one thing leads to the next. There are literally hundreds of reasons this wouldn't be OK for me. To each their own, but I cannot fathom such a scenario where I would be OK with it on a continued basis.


I want to see you start typing the reasons. It could be interesting.


----------



## FlaviaGemina (May 3, 2012)

Personally, I probably wouldn't go to the movies with a male friend. But that's just because I personally don't care that much about movies and then I wouldn't really know why I'm going and we all know that lots of people just go to the movies because it's dark there etc. My guy friends aren't majorly into movies either, so if they wanted to go to the cinema that would be kind of weird. Having said that, my INFJ friend is a major movie buff and she goes to the cinema with guy friends who are also movie buffs. That makes sense, because if her boy friend doesn't enjoy analyzing and discussing movies, why should she force him to go with her?
It all depends on the situation.


----------



## telepariah (Jun 20, 2011)

So are bisexual people in a relationship not allowed to have any friends at all?

Mature adults don't have to have sex with anyone they might possibly be attracted to. So why should being in a relationship affect their ability to have a well rounded life in which they continue to make new friends of any gender? Because it's disrespectful? Exactly what, if the friendship is platonic, is disrespectful to their spouses about it?


----------



## FlaviaGemina (May 3, 2012)

@Mendi the ISFJ I'm curious, could you tell us about your situation? I.e. have you currently got a (prospective) guy friend who your husband doesn't know about yet? Did you use to have guy friends before you got married? Did you see them or did they see you as a potential romantic interest and you were just "friends" to see how it would develop? Or was it always clear that you are platonic friends? If you didn't use to have guy friends, why are you interested in this question now? Is there one particular guy or have you just become more open to the idea in general? etc etc.

If you do have a guy friend, couldn't you meet up with him together with your husband so your husband can see whether he approves of him? I usually meet up with my guy friends on my own (well, currently I've only really got one guy friend and my husband has never met him). But it can help to have your husbands opinion because he can help you judge whether the guy is a genuine platonic friend or a perv. Then, if it's OK with your husband you could meet up on your own with your guy friend. 
Also, think about this: would you be OK with your husband having female friends? Why (not)? And should you have the same rights as him?


----------



## Ntuitive (Jan 6, 2012)

Ideally yes. I'd be slightly suspicious though. Above response ^^^ seems like a good thing to consider. Either way cheating exists no matter how much anyone trusts anyone.


----------



## oso (Aug 8, 2011)

I think that men and women generally don't benefit from one other within a purely platonic friendship and that these friendships only 'seem' to happen when one of them wants or would take more if it was offered.

There is usually further intention from one or the other, otherwise these friendships are unlikely to happen. 

To all of those in marriages and relationships .. do you feel comfortable with your partner having _close_ friendships with the opposite sex? Like, close as in similar to those you have with the same sex?

Let's be honest here. Let's clearly differentiate between acquaintances and 'friends' too, shall we?!


----------



## Mendi the ISFJ (Jul 28, 2011)

oso said:


> I think that men and women generally don't benefit from one other within a purely platonic friendship and that these friendships only 'seem' to happen when one of them wants or would take more if it was offered.
> 
> There is usually further intention from one or the other, otherwise these friendships are unlikely to happen.
> 
> ...



i think the problem is that some women may consider having friendships with men ok because they trust themselves not to take it further and/or are not interested in the male friend that way.... where as they may not trust their husband/SO to control themselves if faced with the same situation. Especially if the friendship with a woman is in retaliation to the wife's having a male friend.


----------



## FlaviaGemina (May 3, 2012)

oso said:


> To all of those in marriages and relationships .. do you feel comfortable with your partner having _close_ friendships with the opposite sex? Like, close as in similar to those you have with the same sex?
> 
> Let's be honest here. Let's clearly differentiate between acquaintances and 'friends' too, shall we?!


Yes, my husband used to have a female best friend. The only reason they aren't best friends any more is that she isn't good at keeping in touch. But if they were still best friends, I wouldn't mind. I also wouldn't mind if he got to know a new female friend. He's dead embarrassed when a random woman hits on him and doesn't like it, so I'd trust him.

How do you define acquaintances vs friends?


----------



## Mendi the ISFJ (Jul 28, 2011)

FlaviaGemina said:


> Yes, my husband used to have a female best friend. The only reason they aren't best friends any more is that she isn't good at keeping in touch. But if they were still best friends, I wouldn't mind. I also wouldn't mind if he got to know a new female friend. He's dead embarrassed when a random woman hits on him and doesn't like it, so I'd trust him.
> 
> How do you define acquaintances vs friends?


you dont hang out with acquaintences, they are just people you met somewhere and interact with because you either have to or are making small talk with but wouldnt go outside of that atmosphere to really get to know them.


----------



## pretyhowtown (May 1, 2010)

Yes. I'm married. I question whether it's ok to spend time alone with new friends who are opposite sex, though. I have a childhood friend whom I've known longer than my husband and we've always done things together, alone. Doing things alone with a new friend, with whom there's no history and no inherent trust, can be a little iffy.


----------



## oso (Aug 8, 2011)

Mendi the ISFJ said:


> i think the problem is that some women may consider having friendships with men ok because they trust themselves not to take it further and/or are not interested in the male friend that way.... where as they may not trust their husband/SO to control themselves if faced with the same situation. Especially if the friendship with a woman is in retaliation to the wife's having a male friend.


A lot of the time it is the male who wants more or stays around in the hope that something may one day happen. Pretty much every time I've had a male 'friend', they have made themselves scarce whenever I am no longer single. That's not really what defines a proper friend in the true sense of the word in my opinion.


----------



## oso (Aug 8, 2011)

FlaviaGemina said:


> Yes, my husband used to have a female best friend. The only reason they aren't best friends any more is that she isn't good at keeping in touch. But if they were still best friends, I wouldn't mind. I also wouldn't mind if he got to know a new female friend. He's dead embarrassed when a random woman hits on him and doesn't like it, so I'd trust him.
> 
> How do you define acquaintances vs friends?


I don't believe there are fixed rules or that my opinions are always the truth .. mixed sex friendships are probably more beneficial when we're in our teens and early 20's etc but I just think that it tends to change as we get older.

A friend to me is someone who is there for me during bad _and_ good times, who I can call whenever I like, who I meet up with to talk and do day time things with on my own/ just the two of us. Someone who I feel comfortable with who I can share my home with and some of the deeper things that are on my mind. Someone who I tell what's going on in my heart from day to day.

An acquaintance would be someone who belongs in the group I'm familiar with and I often hang out with. I see them in the pub and laugh with them .. sometimes have great and even deep conversations with them. I generally don't call or text them during the week and I generally don't see them unless I'm out with the gang. I don't tend to arrange to go and meet up with them on my own and we don't tell each other what goes on in our day to day lives or open up to each other emotionally very much either. (Well, we can but that is generally limited to pub conversation/ social conversation).


----------



## oso (Aug 8, 2011)

pretyhowtown said:


> Yes. I'm married. I question whether it's ok to spend time alone with new friends who are opposite sex, though. I have a childhood friend whom I've known longer than my husband and we've always done things together, alone. Doing things alone with a new friend, with whom there's no history and no inherent trust, can be a little iffy.


I agree with this actually! I have an old friend who I can meet up with occasionally and, although there have been romantic feelings between us at some point in the past, we are detached now in that sense but still value each others' friendship. He is engaged now and I don't see him as much. 

If I had a boyfriend I don't think I'd be making new male friends these days, that would be a bit weird.


----------



## fihe (Aug 30, 2012)

I don't see what the problem is with having platonic friends of the opposite sex. I would hope that one would trust their spouse enough to let them actually spend time with other people.


----------



## Sonny (Oct 14, 2008)

If the partner isn't trustworthy then there are problems in the relationship and boundaries should be set.

If the other partner has insecurity issues then there is trust to be built and joint compromises should be made for the sake of the partnership.

If the friend isn't trustworthy then there are valid questions over why they are friends and if it's worth the spouse putting themselves into a compromising position.

If everyone is trustworthy it comes down to a question of impropriety, and who gives a shit about that.


----------



## Porridgepudge (Sep 27, 2012)

Of course they can.
I'm not in a relationship, but when I was, my boyfriend had tons of friends, male and female. He was very popular. It gave him a chance to do his thing out in the world and me to do mine in my world.


----------



## skycloud86 (Jul 15, 2009)

How about people grow up and act like adults instead of pathetic teenagers who, instead of seeing a member of the opposite/same sex depending on their preferences, see only a potential sex partner? Is it really that hard for some people to just be platonic friends without sex becoming a possibility?


----------



## snail (Oct 13, 2008)

Mendi the ISFJ said:


> Back to the same old question of whether men and women can be friends. What i want to know specifically is if you think your spouse (or spouses in general) should be able to go out and make new friends of the opposite sex? Also please state if you are in a relationship.


Yes, my husband has the right to make new female friends just as I have the right to make new male friends.

It would be silly to restrict each other from talking to people of the opposite sex, and if we were so insecure that we felt the need to control each other in such a manner, it would be evidence for a serious lack of trust in our relationship. 

Most of my close friends are males, just by chance, because most of the artsy, feminine INFPs I know are gay men. 

Most of my husband's close friends are females because he tends to befriend mostly vegan activists, who are statistically more likely to be female. 

There is nothing magical about people of the opposite sex that makes all relationships with them automatically sexual, and part of having a strong marriage is knowing that my spouse chooses me above everyone else he could be with, of his own free will. If I were to limit his social interactions to make sure he didn't have any other options, and if I were to open up the possibility that he might only be choosing me because of not being allowed to talk to anyone else that he might like better, then I would always have the feeling of being settled for, and it would be my own fault. 

Here is the spiritual core of this issue, and my reason for feeling as I do: Love is a choice. In order for authentic love to exist, a person must have free will. If someone does the right thing, but does it only because the wrong thing has been made impossible, he is not making a morally meaningful choice. A person cannot be forced to love (or to be faithful) against his will. He can be forced to _act_ faithful and loving, but unless there is the possibility for him to choose the wrong actions, his right actions are someone else's decision, and say very little about his true feelings.


----------



## FlaviaGemina (May 3, 2012)

oso said:


> I don't believe there are fixed rules or that my opinions are always the truth .. mixed sex friendships are probably more beneficial when we're in our teens and early 20's etc but I just think that it tends to change as we get older.
> 
> A friend to me is someone who is there for me during bad _and_ good times, who I can call whenever I like, who I meet up with to talk and do day time things with on my own/ just the two of us. Someone who I feel comfortable with who I can share my home with and some of the deeper things that are on my mind. Someone who I tell what's going on in my heart from day to day.
> 
> An acquaintance would be someone who belongs in the group I'm familiar with and I often hang out with. I see them in the pub and laugh with them .. sometimes have great and even deep conversations with them. I generally don't call or text them during the week and I generally don't see them unless I'm out with the gang. I don't tend to arrange to go and meet up with them on my own and we don't tell each other what goes on in our day to day lives or open up to each other emotionally very much either. (Well, we can but that is generally limited to pub conversation/ social conversation).


*
A bit off topic:*
Oh, OK, I think I get what you mean. If you are friends with someone you spend a lot of time with them and meet up regularly etc. Since you also spend a lot of time with your partner, it could be weird to spend so much time with a friend of the opposite sex. ??? Great, I forgot what I wanted to say.
Anyway, that depends entirely on what you are like. Me being an antisocial INTJ, I never even spend that much time with my girl friends. I moved to the UK from Germany a few years ago, so all my best friends are far away now. But even when I was living in Germany, I'd only meet up once a week with my best friend and otherwise we wouldn't be in touch unless there was something urgent. As for my high school friend, naturally, we used to hang out a lot in high school coz you haven't got anything else to do as a kid anyway. Then there's another girl friend from uni and we used to see each other once a months because we were running a society together. Of course we'd also bump into each other regularly on campus and have a chat. But we didn't talk daily, because we've both got other friends and had lots of work to do.
But when we started studying at uni, we only saw each other about every 2 months. Now as for my guy friend, I only meet up with him twice a year when I'm in Germany. He's an INTP and very independent, so "demanding" any more of him wouldn't be a good idea anyway. But when we do meet up, we have deep conversations and we open up emotionally as much as it is possible for an INTP + INTJ duo (it just takes a while). Generally, most of my friends are pretty useless to me in a practical way and I'm pretty useless to them in that way. But that's just my general friendship style. ..... and now I'm completely off topic and forgot what I wanted to say. ... 
*
Slightly more on topic:*
As for my husband, he's very sensitive and a dutiful ISTJ housewife (he isn't really a housewife). He just doesn't have anything in common with macho guys, so he's more likely to make friends with girls and more sensitive guys. So you can't just judge by someones biological sex, you've also got to take into account their mental gender.


----------



## Nekomata (May 26, 2012)

I'm in a relationship.

I suppose it shouldn't really be much of a problem, though I've been in situations where me and my boyfriend are supposed to be friends with someone and something bad happens. So meh, it generally depends on the circumstances I suppose. At the moment though it's not really an issue since neither of us have friends and only have ourselves xD. But yeah, I guess spouses or people who are dating can have friends of the opposite gender, so long as they make the other party clear that it's strictly platonic, since it can start off that way but then someone makes their feelings known...


----------



## Leonine (Nov 10, 2012)

In terms of marriage or lifetime partner, new friends of the opposite sex is not something I would be comfortable with. By "friends" I mean, going to the movies together, hanging out at home alone, discussing emotional things together. For me, it wouldn't be a lack of trust in my partner, it would be a lack of trust in the new friend.


----------



## Bebito (Nov 26, 2012)

NanaEllis said:


> In terms of marriage or lifetime partner, new friends of the opposite sex is not something I would be comfortable with. By "friends" I mean, going to the movies together, hanging out at home alone, discussing emotional things together. For me, it wouldn't be a lack of trust in my partner, it would be a lack of trust in the new friend.


Totally agree.


----------



## emerald sea (Jun 4, 2011)

when it comes to anything questionable, "should" is a matter of personal conscience. 

if you want a happy marriage, there would be the added requirement of figuring out if/when your spouse is okay with such friendships. if hurting your spouse, undermining the future/stability of your relationship with your spouse, and/or dealing with endless marital disconnect/disharmony bothers you, your spouse's opinion on the matter would be the deciding one.

because personal conscience and spousal preferences will vary from marriage to marriage, the answer to this question would vary accordingly. i do believe that the relationship with the spouse would, ideally, be the closest one and should be nurtured and maintained as such.

and i do think caution is warranted. appearance "is" reality, to the casual observer, such that even something _resembling_ infidelity can start a chain reaction of misinterpretations that can seriously damage a marriage. most marriages are not entirely suspicion-proof...because any close relationship, especially one as intimate as marriage, is built on trust. seeds of doubt - suspicions planted by misunderstandings - erode trust, which is itself the stabilizing root of the relationship. destruction of foundational trust is relationship suicide.


----------



## progfan1988 (Nov 26, 2012)

chip said:


> Sometimes it's not just about cheating or flirting or whatever you meant. It's about their friends not supporting the gf or bf, and downing on them. Some people just have crappy friends.


I never thought about that. Good point! In my case it was about cheating/flirting.


----------



## BooksandButterflies (Jul 26, 2012)

*I find it offensive that people would ignore the opinions of people who aren't married. Just because they haven't walked down the isle yet doesn't mean that they don't know anything. If my husband made friends with some young chippy, and they hung out without me, I'd be furious! And I would never hang out with a man, no matter how cute, if I were married, or if he were married. It's a matter of respect and honor.*


----------



## Super Awesome (Jul 11, 2011)

What matters is that you and your spouse/partner are on the same page about these things. That's what it boils down to.


----------



## ecstasy (Nov 5, 2012)

How is that even a question? I thought there was something called freedom and something called trust.


----------



## Ntuitive (Jan 6, 2012)

First this is what I think about platonic relationships:

You just gotta look at the motives of men and women. My girlfriend has mostly guy friends. But she tells me that _all_ of them have had crushes on her at some point but she didn't know at first. I'm pretty sure they still do, they just got friend zoned by her.

Any type of relationship/friendship is based on some kind of attraction whether or not it's physical or mental/emotional. I honestly think there is no way that either the male or female in a platonic relationship hasn't had sexual/romantic thoughts about the other. That's just the nature of the sexes, even more so with men.

A platonic relationship is more than a friendship, but it's not a romantic relationship. I can hang out with guy friends, and I've never had one sexual thought about them. With female friends I've had sexual thoughts about all of them. I guess I'll speak for myself though, but I know this is true with most guys. With most platonic relationships, I think some sort of intimate encounter is possible, and if it goes that far it will get to the "we shouldn't be doing this" part because one of them isn't wanting a relationship with the other.

Should spouses be able to make new platonic friendships? I'm not married but this is what I think.

Yes. 

But that friendship should be analyzed and each friend has to be honest with themselves. Do you really want your boyfriend to be hanging out with a girl if he's thinking "I wonder what it would be like to have sex with her, or date her." Likewise, do you want your girlfriend to be hanging out with guys who potentially view her in that way? Or if your girlfriend has those thoughts? Vice versa etc.

Also, what does it look like to the outside world? When you see a guy and a girl out together what do you think? Most people think they're a couple. Hm. Why is that? 

Let the trust be there. Trust they won't act upon those thoughts that sometimes pop up. Hopefully they don't get drunk and make out.


----------



## Razare (Apr 21, 2009)

progfan1988 said:


> I just ended an engagement because of this. She was not ok with me being friends with females. That's a red flag to me.


Correct move.

I had a girlfriend and later fiance who exhibited this same behavior. Had I ended it the first time this happened, it would have saved me a lot of trouble.


----------



## Mendi the ISFJ (Jul 28, 2011)

NanaEllis said:


> In terms of marriage or lifetime partner, new friends of the opposite sex is not something I would be comfortable with. By "friends" I mean, going to the movies together, hanging out at home alone, discussing emotional things together. For me, it wouldn't be a lack of trust in my partner, it would be a lack of trust in the new friend.


but if you trust your partner, then there isnt anything the other person could do to seduce them etc.


----------



## Mendi the ISFJ (Jul 28, 2011)

ecstasy said:


> How is that even a question? I thought there was something called freedom and something called trust.


you were wrong, freedom doesnt actually exist and its more of levels of distrust ranging from allowing things to happen and hoping for the best to downright not believing a thing the person says.


----------



## thor odinson (May 21, 2011)

There was a study that monitored neurological activity that revealed what we say and what we feel in cases like this can be completely the opposite of each other.

When asked a question, raw brain response would naturally be negative.

But the respondent gave an answer opposite to that which they really felt. In other words there response was a rationalized response. Artificial in nature.

If I remember the study I'll post it.

But nevertheless it begs me to wonder, how many people on here would be at odds with it, despite not only vocally supporting it, but practically going along with it.

I imagine there would be more than a few that would not want to say something politically incorrect and incur the wrath of modern liberal thinkers for being a naysayer, despite deep down being at odds with it.

That it's not a naturalized response as say allowing someone to choose what career they want. That there is some niggling doubts that must have consciously applied rationalizations to allay the instinctive fearful responses somewhat.

Just some food for thought.


----------



## ecstasy (Nov 5, 2012)

Mendi the ISFJ said:


> you were wrong, freedom doesnt actually exist and its more of levels of distrust ranging from allowing things to happen and hoping for the best to downright not believing a thing the person says.


Maybe I'm still half asleep, but that didn't make sense at all. Could you explain further, please?


----------



## brittan (Dec 4, 2012)

I don't think this is a question that has any one right answer. I know for me that if anyone tries to tell me what to do I rebel - I have more male friends than female friends and those friendships are just as important to me as my romantic relationship. So for me , yes, I MUST be able to make new friends with whoever I want. My boyfriend has more female friends than male. My partner has to trust me, just as I have to trust him. Luckily we both agree that friendship with the opposite sex is not only possible but, practical and we have done it. On the other hand I know a lot of people who do not want their partner making friends with someone of the opposite sex. They think that they should be enough for someone and that is it. I think if both people are in agreement on this topic then the question is moot. If however the partners disagree it might be enough to end a relationship.


----------



## Leonine (Nov 10, 2012)

Mendi the ISFJ said:


> but if you trust your partner, then there isnt anything the other person could do to seduce them etc.


Yeah, but there is this:


emerald sea said:


> and i do think caution is warranted. appearance "is" reality, to the casual observer, such that even something resembling infidelity can start a chain reaction of misinterpretations that can seriously damage a marriage. most marriages are not entirely suspicion-proof...because any close relationship, especially one as intimate as marriage, is built on trust. seeds of doubt - suspicions planted by misunderstandings - erode trust, which is itself the stabilizing root of the relationship. destruction of foundational trust is relationship suicide.


And, In my opinion there's always more things at play than just trust. 

Also, people have lapses in judgement, doesn't mean you can't trust them, just means they're human. <--This is not an excuse, just a reality, in my opinion.


----------



## Siren (Jun 25, 2011)

I am in a relationship and we each have plenty of friends of the opposite sex. I wouldn't see it as a problem unless he was trying to hide things from me, like he didn't want to introduce me to her, or lied about where they went or something. I'm completely open when it comes to that. I'll answer any question as long as its not smothering. My ex used to ask me constantly what I was doing online. The answer was always either playing a game or shopping but he kept asking, like every 10 minutes. It drove me nuts!


----------



## Mendi the ISFJ (Jul 28, 2011)

ecstasy said:


> Maybe I'm still half asleep, but that didn't make sense at all. Could you explain further, please?


i just mean that the idea of there being actual freedom is more of an ideal. we arent free, the whole idea of being in a committed relationship means that we give up some freedoms.  We also dont fully trust one another as human beings, theres always a level of distrust because we know how easy it is for humans to make mistakes. We dont trust strangers when we meet them until they have earned it... so therefore its distrust until earned, then when we trust someone its rare that we would do so completely and quite dangerous to do so. So basically we arent free and we dont fully trust ever.


----------



## Sovereign (Aug 19, 2011)

I don't really know what's been going on in this thread, but I'll just leave this here:

If your spouse does not allow you to make opposite sex friends, you may as well go ahead and leave. You won't like the ending.

If you're that spouse, you need mental help to deal with your insecurity, need for control, and/or inability to trust other people with simple things. Also, you need to stop smothering your spouse, or YOU won't like the ending.


----------



## progfan1988 (Nov 26, 2012)

Raichan said:


> In my opinion (I'm sorry if this offends anyone) this shouldn't even be an issue if you trust each other enough.
> 
> I am in a serious relationship.


This.


----------

