# Loneliness plus quarantine is driving me crazy



## Fennel (Jan 11, 2017)

Quarantine means I can't go to school, or to my doctor. I have Asperger's and Major Depressive Disorder, and now I've lost all routine and structure in life. Ran out of meds by the end of February, and my doc was very busy before we were put on lockdown, so I don't have my prescription.

I thought 2019 was the worst year of my life (I lost my job, a friend threatened to kill herself, I overdosed at least four times, and lost a whole group of friends), but it might get even worse now. I lost three important friends in rapid succession - I did stupid things and those people won't talk to me anymore... and the worst thing is, I don't feel half of my emotions. I can't squarely look at my mistakes and fix myself, nor properly grieve the losses. 

Everything is at a standstill. It feels that my life is over, and I'll never get over this. I don't see any way out. Spiritual lockdown.

Maybe I'm just lonely. But this seems to be a permanent thing, and I should get used to it before I go totally insane.


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## MonarK (Jul 27, 2018)

Fennel said:


> Quarantine means I can't go to school, or to my doctor. I have Asperger's and Major Depressive Disorder, and now I've lost all routine and structure in life. Ran out of meds by the end of February, and my doc was very busy before we were put on lockdown, so I don't have my prescription.
> 
> I thought 2019 was the worst year of my life (I lost my job, a friend threatened to kill herself, I overdosed at least four times, and lost a whole group of friends), but it might get even worse now. I lost three important friends in rapid succession - I did stupid things and those people won't talk to me anymore... and the worst thing is, I don't feel half of my emotions. I can't squarely look at my mistakes and fix myself, nor properly grieve the losses.
> 
> ...


The worst part of the lockdown is the stagnancy it creates. When we lose our ability to go out, there's no center of gravity for us, nothing binding us to a greater goal. The loss of emotions and the inability to grieve your losses is probably your means of keeping you from breaking down right here and now; they ought to come when some sense of normality and security is restablished. The best thing to do is to force your attention elsewhere, and while putting your time and effort into another vision is among the best ways to do that, you're likely lacking in intrinsic motivation due to the Major Depressive Disorder.

While your body is locked down in the physical plane, it may not be the same for your spirit, as you now more than ever have time to explore the spiritual plane. Taking a cue off of your signature, what does the Good News mean to you, @Fennel?


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## Fennel (Jan 11, 2017)

MonarK said:


> While your body is locked down in the physical plane, it may not be the same for your spirit, as you now more than ever have time to explore the spiritual plane. Taking a cue off of your signature, what does the Good News mean to you, @*Fennel*?


My spirit was frozen even before quarantine... The Good News points to a different plane of reality. The spiritual comes first, and the physical follows. I lost the sense of purpose a long time ago. I look at my life and find it empty and meaningless.


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## Arthrospira (Feb 18, 2020)

Can’t you borrow your medications from a pharmacy with the promise to come back with the prescription later?

I don’t know if you’ll like my advice but in my experience making a list of things that needs to be done is a good way to stop rusting at home. You wrote somewhere that you are a student, maybe focus on your studies or do the things that you were putting off before. A rolling stone gathers no moss. Lack the motivation? Force yourself into doing it anyways and eventually it’ll be your new routine. You’ll also get a boost of pride and happiness whenever you finish a task.

Just sitting down to think sad thoughts all day without taking any action tends to make the misery worse.


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## Blazkovitz (Mar 16, 2014)

Try basic callisthenic exercises, if you cannot leave home for a workout. You don't need any equipment to do sit-ups.

Explore the dreamworld, start keeping a dream journal and your dreams will start to be more vivid every day.


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## Lovable (Apr 1, 2017)

First of all, virtual hug for you.. 

I myself was feeling like this situation was making me nuts. I did 3 things to change that. 1. I started to meditate again, I know it's hard and I have to force myself to do it, but after just 5 min (I set a timer) I feel the change already. 2. I go outside, my country hasn't banned us from going outside, yet. So everyday, mostly in the evening when most people are indoor, I take a walk, fresh air and exercise just helps. And 3 I reconnected with some old friends by phonecall or call some of my current friends. Sometimes we talk for 5 min other times more, it helps me feel connected in this situation where you are just at home working. I don't know if any of this could help you, but that's my "way" of handling it.


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## Lovable (Apr 1, 2017)

And don't forget to laugh at weird things


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## Fennel (Jan 11, 2017)

Honestly, I really really didn't want to respond to this thread until I felt better... but things only got worse. >.<



Arthrospira said:


> Can’t you borrow your medications from a pharmacy with the promise to come back with the prescription later?
> 
> I don’t know if you’ll like my advice but in my experience making a list of things that needs to be done is a good way to stop rusting at home. You wrote somewhere that you are a student, maybe focus on your studies or do the things that you were putting off before.


No, my meds are a different class of prescription that only psychiatrists could prescribe. It's very controlled and I'm only allowed to buy a month's worth at a time... I guess I'm better off without them now, with the lockdown I won't be able to earn any money anytime soon and we need to buy food and supplies. 

All our school activities are suspended indefinitely... The college might reopen next month, or next year, who knows? The city college and the students are too poor to afford online learning.

I tried the list... sometimes got all crazy with scheduling, that didn't work lol. The best I could do was list 3-5 things and get 1-2 done in a day. Good enough for a start, I guess. But it's also disappointing / discouraging.



Blazkovitz said:


> Try basic callisthenic exercises, if you cannot leave home for a workout. You don't need any equipment to do sit-ups.
> 
> Explore the dreamworld, start keeping a dream journal and your dreams will start to be more vivid every day.


Sometimes I remember my dreams and note them down, yes. Lately they're weird. Not like any I'd dreamed before.

I started doing exercises but had to stop yesterday because I hurt my back. Nothing too serious; I lifted light weights with bad form. My concentration was way off, heh. 



Lovable said:


> First of all, virtual hug for you..
> 
> I myself was feeling like this situation was making me nuts. I did 3 things to change that. 1. I started to meditate again, I know it's hard and I have to force myself to do it, but after just 5 min (I set a timer) I feel the change already. 2. I go outside, my country hasn't banned us from going outside, yet. So everyday, mostly in the evening when most people are indoor, I take a walk, fresh air and exercise just helps. And 3 I reconnected with some old friends by phonecall or call some of my current friends. Sometimes we talk for 5 min other times more, it helps me feel connected in this situation where you are just at home working. I don't know if any of this could help you, but that's my "way" of handling it.
> 
> And don't forget to laugh at weird things


Aw, thanks for the hug!

I knew you sent a funny video, but sadly I had to turn on the subtitles to understand what he was saying. The accent threw me off. O.O I had been listening too much to news reports that I couldn't catch anything lately unless spoken slowly in a "neutral" accent. No wonder I'd been having trouble understanding mom! pffffffft trololol

Keeping in touch with friends was a good idea. I was able to message a few old friends too. Haven't really meditated yet though. Not sure if what I did counted because my mind kept on running. I couldn't sit still for 5 minutes. Too bad I can't go outdoors anymore because of total lockdown. My mom bought a lot of food so I don't even have the excuse of buying groceries this week.

Sorry I'm rambling... my mind is just all over the place right now... I had to write sometime, but can't seem to focus enough to do a decent edit. This will have to do. And... post.


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## Arthrospira (Feb 18, 2020)

Fennel said:


> No, my meds are a different class of prescription that only psychiatrists could prescribe. It's very controlled and I'm only allowed to buy a month's worth at a time... I guess I'm better off without them now, with the lockdown I won't be able to earn any money anytime soon and we need to buy food and supplies.
> 
> All our school activities are suspended indefinitely... The college might reopen next month, or next year, who knows? The city college and the students are too poor to afford online learning.
> 
> I tried the list... sometimes got all crazy with scheduling, that didn't work lol. The best I could do was list 3-5 things and get 1-2 done in a day. Good enough for a start, I guess. But it's also disappointing / discouraging.


I know, my meds are the same way but my regular pharmacist helps me out whenever I run out and can’t schedule an appointment, it also helps that I pay more than the worth of the drug so that he knows I’ll be back with my prescription to get my money back. Asking a pharmacist or visiting some other psychiatrist is definitely worth a try since those kinds of meds can cause withdrawal symptoms. Also bear in mind that some countries allow psychiatric drugs to be prescribed by GPs if they are used long-term. Of course if the quarantine laws allow it.

It’ll probably open during the summer, I highly doubt this will last a year. But you have access to internet, you can still read relevant material, review what you’ve learned so far or study things you haven’t seen in class yet. I’m doing the same, studying future topics and reviewing everything from day 1. It’d be smart to take adventage of this period to get ahead or at least not fall behind since others might also have the same idea.

Try Inside Job’s method in my Work&Study thread, I did and it worked wonders to find the motivation to study. I didn’t do anything else on my list but at least I can get the most important things out of the way.


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## MonarK (Jul 27, 2018)

Lovable said:


> And don't forget to laugh at weird things


I remember that from a few years ago. James is a gold standard in trolling, and his videos on spam emails were genius too.





Fennel said:


> I tried the list... sometimes got all crazy with scheduling, that didn't work lol. The best I could do was list 3-5 things and get 1-2 done in a day. Good enough for a start, I guess. But it's also disappointing / discouraging.
> 
> Sometimes I remember my dreams and note them down, yes. Lately they're weird. Not like any I'd dreamed before.
> 
> ...


1-2 things is a great start! It's all about building momentum, otherwise, you'll tire yourself out too soon. It might help to post about your dreams; in making sense of them, you might be able to better understand your disposition and it would bring some clarity to your mind, which you mentioned was all over the place. As per the hurt back, applying heat would do you use, as well as performing the exercise you were doing without the weights. The quickest way to recovery is usage, and as the back is all muscle and not joints, you can avoid the mistake of allowing the injury to linger.

Since your mother bought ample groceries, you are very much safe. It is a shame though that it keeps you from getting out. Stay strong in this trying time.


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## Lovable (Apr 1, 2017)

MonarK said:


> I remember that from a few years ago. James is a gold standard in trolling, and his videos on spam emails were genius too.


I just love the ducks


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## Cherry (May 28, 2017)

:hugs: you'll get through this.

If you can somehow borrow or order a book, I would highly recommend reading 'man's search for meaning' right now


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## The red spirit (Sep 29, 2015)

@Fennel

Believe me or not, but being deaf puts one into similar loneliness (except not a temporary one). If your other mental problems aren't too severe, then you should be able to cope with loneliness. And you said that mom bought you food. At least you aren't isolated alone in tiny flat, where nobody would want to be for too long. The most obvious thing to try is to talk to your mom, especially if your relationship with her is decent. Do some chores for her that you usually don't and try to chat a bit, perhaps talk about your issues (if that's not a taboo). 

If you are more into individual hobbies then of course you can play some games online. Interactions will be minimal, but at least that's something. You can also try to learn language, it might be helpful to keep yourself somewhat busy and distract from loneliness. Maybe pick up a book to read, doesn't matter even if it's virtual. You can try to watch some really long anime like Naruto, Gintama, HxH, but that's only good for wasting time. If you have a table game, you can ask your mom if she wants to play it with you. The key in dealing with purposelessness is to keep doing something, even if they are rather bland activities, which are only supposed to bring some temporary happiness.

If you want something to get your blood pumping, then go to Facebook, find old classmate's profile and say that you love him.


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## The red spirit (Sep 29, 2015)

Miss Sophia 124 said:


> Now I understand how the rich get richer and the poor stay poor.. the rich earn high incomes because they can't stay at home all the time, they must *do something outside* the house.


Ehh... That doesn't work that way. It's possible to be rich while being hermit too. The rich are rich, because they try to participate in things that have great high profit/low effort ratio. And not only they participate in such things, but convince others of their results and build ties to maximize their work effects. One could even argue that they are simply doing things that societies value the most, however in many cases that isn't true. They can do a lot or make us feel like they do a lot, but benefit for everyone of that is questionable. Obviously being outside of their houses help them to do that, but it's certainly not the only thing that makes them rich. For example, some programmers at home can make crazy popular apps, that gain extreme popularity and make shit loads of money. Something like that happened to Flappy Bird creator, he got rich and enjoyed his success until there have been some cases of people dying or being too frustrated from his game, so he became depressed, started hermitting himself and despite financial success he pulled out app from Play Store and Apple's App Store. 

But anyway, that's kinda fun thing to think about and perhaps discuss with someone.


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## contradictionary (Apr 1, 2018)

Since hugging is not my flair, i will just try to make you chuckle with... The similar theme:







There are 2 prev episodes you should not miss. 

_Sent sans PC_


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## Fennel (Jan 11, 2017)

I don't care anymore... My best friend still had the nerve to fight against the government at this time, and might have dragged me down with him because we had an online business in common. He had been using it as a platform for his political ideas, while I didn't even check it anymore because I was so disgusted. Turns out I'm not the only one disgusted with his posts. There's a crackdown on social media against fake news and destabilization efforts. Just leave me out of it, please. And wake me up when coronavirus ends.


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## The red spirit (Sep 29, 2015)

Fennel said:


> I don't care anymore... My best friend still had the nerve to fight against the government at this time, and might have dragged me down with him because we had an online business in common. He had been using it as a platform for his political ideas, while I didn't even check it anymore because I was so disgusted. Turns out I'm not the only one disgusted with his posts. There's a crackdown on social media against fake news and destabilization efforts. Just leave me out of it, please. And wake me up when coronavirus ends.


While that is really unfortunate, you shouldn't really separate from others. I sometimes had problems with my friend too, sometimes even ending in fistfights, but being together isn't exactly about pleasure. It's about. I'm pretty sure that he has some good qualities too, which made him become your friend. Definitely talk about it, if situation needs break his nose (make sure that he wears a mask). It's something that you have to sort it out. Might not be pretty, but hope for the best.


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## Fennel (Jan 11, 2017)

The red spirit said:


> While that is really unfortunate, you shouldn't really separate from others. I sometimes had problems with my friend too, sometimes even ending in fistfights, but being together isn't exactly about pleasure. It's about. I'm pretty sure that he has some good qualities too, which made him become your friend. Definitely talk about it, if situation needs break his nose (make sure that he wears a mask). It's something that you have to sort it out. Might not be pretty, but hope for the best.


I'd probably hit him if he were here with me. But yes, he has some good qualities. I just hate it when people put their intelligence to waste with memes and hate speech. I don't see the point.

I've had this problem for a while, even before lockdown. Some friends had pointed out examples of social ills or corruption, and were so angry about those, and I didn't give the reaction they wanted. I knew they expected me to have righteous indignation, but I just don't. What is wrong with me?? My bff even said, "This is not a time to be neutral!" as if I'm being immoral by not taking a stand. I don't feel like I'm right, but I don't feel like they're right either.

Why don't I feel angry about those things? How can I develop righteous indignation?


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## The red spirit (Sep 29, 2015)

Fennel said:


> I'd probably hit him if he were here with me. But yes, he has some good qualities. I just hate it when people put their intelligence to waste with memes and hate speech. I don't see the point.


Many people do many things that others don't see a point either. That's just how humanity works. That's why people try to be in groups with similar interests or values. Even there not everyone will agree with everything. Also our civilizations got so so big, that there are so many people with radically different interests in huge cities. As there are more people, the more they feel disconnected from each other. I read that humans are only capable to maintain some sort of closer bonds with only 151 individuals. That's with all acquaintances included. Much less there will be friends, even less good friends and much less soul mates. Now there aren't any city with only that amount of people. The bigger the number of people gets, the more social disconnect there will be between them. It's easy to see why so many of us may feel disconnected, incapable of relating or at least understanding someone. The thing is that what you clearly think one shouldn't do is well just how you think. He likely feels very differently about government now and likely thinks that he is doing something meaningful. Perhaps you should inform him that things aren't that way for you and for many others. It would be nice to solve this thing right now, but social distancing is more needed, as well as soap and masks. Can't solve conflicts if you are dead.




Fennel said:


> I've had this problem for a while, even before lockdown. Some friends had pointed out examples of social ills or corruption, and were so angry about those, and I didn't give the reaction they wanted. I knew they expected me to have righteous indignation, but I just don't. What is wrong with me?? My bff even said, "This is not a time to be neutral!" as if I'm being immoral by not taking a stand. I don't feel like I'm right, but I don't feel like they're right either.
> 
> Why don't I feel angry about those things? How can I develop righteous indignation?


Well, it's clear that you are neutral about many of those things. That's perfectly normal. Your social group expects you to agree with them, but not always that is realistic. Perhaps you may be doubting if it's rally right to join them. Not consciously, but unconsciously. Happens so fast, that it's more like intuition. Maybe they are bit too aggressive about some matters or maybe you think that they may cause some horrible irreversible things or maybe you lack experience to understand certain matters. It sucks to be the only one, but not always it means that it's entirely wrong to be so. Pretty much anyone wants to be socially accepted by their group, but not always you can agree with certain things. At least you are neutral about those matters and you aren't opposing your group. That would be worse.


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## Fennel (Jan 11, 2017)

Started to get sick again, with a slight fever off an on. I know it's psychosomatic. I hadn't been able to access half of my emotions, even though I should be seething somehow, with my friend like that and all. Now I'm frustrated because I'd failed at all the self-improvement behaviors I wanted to practice these past two days. Even meditation was a chore - instead of relaxing, I felt my heart pounding. It makes me feel hopeless, a total failure. Nothing got done, nothing that I wanted to do.

I can't even grasp... I'm not owning my thoughts, feelings, body, everything. I'm not involved. It's like watching a movie where I do all the stupid things I shouldn't do and die because of utter stupidity. It is all so stupid, I would laugh if it wasn't actually happening to me.


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