# My new girlfriend is in jail...



## William I am (May 20, 2011)

So ... About a month ago, I met someone online. We met up in person and hit it off and really liked each other. I think she's an ENTP. 

Things were pretty wild and wonderful, though I had a couple reservations. Then someone she works for sexually assaulted her. She came over the day after, I comforted her and she spent the night. The next day, I had to go to work for a training, and I stopped hearing back from her later that night or the next morning. 

So after not hearing from her via phone or email for several days, not knowing any of her friends, and not having a working vehicle, I finally got my motorcycle running and went to see her. Her landlord told me she's in jail.

Tomorrow (tonight actually), I'm going to visit her. I've never been in a situation like this before. The person I talked to at the jail who told me visiting hours was able to tell me that she's in jail for violating a court order 4 times and for stalking. That's pretty shocking to me, unless she was threatening this sick excuse for a person who assaulted her - that's included in the definition of stalking, apparently. 


This is a new relationship, and I'm not planning to stay in the area more than a few months (as soon as I can afford to move). I've had 0 luck meeting people I want to date here, until her - other than someone who moved here from out of the area and was gone within a year.

I'm just really out of my element. If anyone can give me any advice, I would really appreciate it. There are things that make me think I should just walk away, and there are other things that make me think I might enjoy it if I stick around. This is all a little much to handle right now.


----------



## kittenmogu (Jun 19, 2014)

Dang.

It sounds like a lot. This is not a situation that a lot of people expect to deal with. I don't blame you for being shocked and feeling kinda overwhelmed.

I think you need more time and information in order to really come to any sort of decision. If/when you visit her tonight, see what she has to say. Get more pieces of the puzzle. Trust your judgment or your gut, whatever you use, after that. If you think you should walk (or hell, run) away, then do just that. But perhaps at least you'll have an interesting story to tell.


----------



## Siggy (May 25, 2009)

Go to the county courts website and look her up. You can do a case record search with her first and last name. This will give you additional info. Then you can go from there


----------



## William I am (May 20, 2011)

Thanks for the replies. I honestly posted this really late and forgot I posted it. 

She's been out on bail since Monday, and I spent the night with her that night. I got a lot more pieces of the puzzle, and I can't figure out why the DA is so gung ho about pressing charges for a 2.5 year old warrant based on text messages. 

For now, I'm just kinda of feeling things out. I'm still not sure how much I trust her. I do trust her, but I have numerous concerns.

Thanks for the support again.


----------



## MNiS (Jan 30, 2010)

Yeah, good luck with the DA getting anywhere with that. lol I'd say you should just stay with her, you'll probably like what she has to tell you and who knows, you might end up becoming a pair.


----------



## William I am (May 20, 2011)

Yeah, they were just trying to bully/scare her into taking a plea deal. I think she's going to be on felony probation for a while. No incarceration time, but it'll make finding legitimate work hard. 

We'll see. I'm not making a commitment, but I'm keeping an open mind.


----------



## Scrabbletray (Apr 27, 2014)

MNiS said:


> Yeah, good luck with the DA getting anywhere with that. lol I'd say you should just stay with her, you'll probably like what she has to tell you and who knows, you might end up becoming a pair.


Sending a text message to someone who has a no contact order out against you is something people go to jail (and in same cases prison) for all the time. It's a felony punishable by up to 10 years in prison. I just spent 5 months in jail and am facing 10 more years over sending a girl non-threatening text messages based on a 2.5 year old court order even though she had contact me several times during those years. Modern stalking laws are a good example of the legal system going WAY overboard when it comes to a small minority of terrible cases that get highly reported. You see in the news about some crazy stalker who is following someone around everywhere they go and threatening to kill them and people push for really harsh stalking laws, but 90% of the people these laws get used against are people making dumb but understandable mistakes like getting drunk and messaging an ex-girlfriend wanting to get back together or messaging their own kid who they can't legally contact because of a restraining order resulting from a divorce etc. Really, most "stalking" is an addiction just like a person might be addicted to drugs. Drug offenses are starting to get more lightly punished due to an evolving understanding of the issue, however stalking offenses are getting more harshly punished and are considered a violent crime and sometimes a sex offender crime even when there is no violence or sexual content involved. There are multiple types of "stalkers", the most prevalent being "incompetent suitor" stalkers who aren't violent at all, only socially inept and need therapy, not prison time. Only the "vindictive" type of stalker is dangerous and the legal system needs to start telling the difference between the two and passing judgment accordingly.


----------



## MNiS (Jan 30, 2010)

a1b2c3d4 said:


> Sending a text message to someone who has a no contact order out against you is something people go to jail (and in same cases prison) for all the time.




Like I said, good luck getting even finding a DA willing to prosecute. You must be from the fascist part of the county.  If you even live in the US at all.


----------



## Scrabbletray (Apr 27, 2014)

MNiS said:


> Like I said, good luck getting even finding a DA willing to prosecute. You must be from the fascist part of the county.  If you even live in the US at all.


Maybe, or maybe you've just never dealt with the law so you don't understand how fascist it really is.


----------



## MNiS (Jan 30, 2010)

[No message]


----------



## Squirrel (Jun 14, 2014)

If I were you, I would have forgotten her and moved on.


----------



## drmiller100 (Dec 3, 2011)

where to start.

there are two sides to the story. you are only hearing one from her.

be CAREFUL.


----------



## Lexicon Devil (Mar 14, 2014)

One month of knowing someone online is nothing. Dangerous.


----------



## PowerShell (Feb 3, 2013)

I say run as fast as you can. If you met her, expecially on a free online dating site, it's not worth your time. Most chicks I've met on there are damaged goods and if she's already doing major stuff that's getting her thrown in jail for stalking, it's clear she's probably psycho.


----------



## Slider (Nov 17, 2009)

Run.

Away.


----------



## Doc Dangerstein (Mar 8, 2013)

PowerShell said:


> I say run as fast as you can. If you met her, expecially on a free online dating site, it's not worth your time. Most chicks I've met on there are damaged goods and if she's already doing major stuff that's getting her thrown in jail for stalking, it's clear she's probably psycho.


... that and most chicks don't get thrown in jail for stalking. Men rarely play the restraining order card; how many girls do you know of who got one. It's rare for the police to side with the man in domestic disputes. Recently local police lost a big court case for just that. It could be a fluke but women rarely get court order ... But most guys stop at telling their crazy exes to GTFO and nothing more. I don't know the American reality but we were given the women are always right lecture every year throughout high school. There were seminars in university, and there was absolutely nothing for men to protect themselves from false claims.

I'm really against abuse of any sort. But dude, the legal system is difficult for us regarding domestic issues. For a women to get a stalking order, it must actually mean something.


----------



## PowerShell (Feb 3, 2013)

Spastic Origami said:


> ... that and most chicks don't get thrown in jail for stalking. Men rarely play the restraining order card; how many girls do you know of who got one. It's rare for the police to side with the man in domestic disputes. Recently local police lost a big court case for just that. It could be a fluke but women rarely get court order ... But most guys stop at telling their crazy exes to GTFO and nothing more. I don't know the American reality but we were given the women are always right lecture every year throughout high school. There were seminars in university, and there was absolutely nothing for men to protect themselves from false claims.
> 
> I'm really against abuse of any sort. But dude, the legal system is difficult for us regarding domestic issues. For a women to get a stalking order, it must actually mean something.


That's a very good point and definitely solifies what I said. Most chicks will get a slap on the wrist and if the DA is really pushing the case, this chick probably has a long history. If you have a clean record, usually they're don't push super hard and cut you a deal.


----------



## Scrabbletray (Apr 27, 2014)

MNiS said:


> You sound like a stupid East Coaster. Always talking about "the glory of Rome", moral crusades and a bunch of other stupid and oppressive crap.
> 
> That stuff doesn't fly on the West Coast and you can leave that stuff behind on the EC if you do really live in the States.


WTF are you talking about? This post makes literally no sense and I can't for the life of me see how it's related to either of my posts. I don't live on either cost FWIW, but I don't see where that matters for anything.


----------



## Lexicon Devil (Mar 14, 2014)

William I am said:


> Yeah, they were just trying to bully/scare her into taking a plea deal. I think she's going to be on felony probation for a while. No incarceration time, but it'll make finding legitimate work hard.
> 
> We'll see. I'm not making a commitment, but I'm keeping an open mind.


IMO, your mind is way too open. Heal your loneliness in healthy ways.


----------



## Lexicon Devil (Mar 14, 2014)

William I am said:


> Tomorrow (tonight actually), I'm going to visit her. I've never been in a situation like this before. The person I talked to at the jail who told me visiting hours was able to tell me that she's in jail for violating a court order 4 times and for stalking. That's pretty shocking to me, unless she was threatening this sick excuse for a person who assaulted her -* that's included in the definition of stalking, apparently. *


Yes, it is under the definition of stalking and for good reason. Revenge in any form is not allowed under the law. .


----------



## William I am (May 20, 2011)

Geoffrey Felis said:


> IMO, your mind is way too open. Heal your loneliness in healthy ways.


That's fine and all, but I'll make my own decisions, even if they're mistakes. She's the first person who's been honest with me for a long time.

If you read up, it has nothing to do with the scum who raped her - it's a 2.5 year old warrant based on texts sent to an ex in response to his texts.
Don't worry about it.


----------



## Lexicon Devil (Mar 14, 2014)

William I am said:


> That's fine and all, but I'll make my own decisions, even if they're mistakes. She's the first person who's been honest with me for a long time.
> 
> If you read up, it has nothing to do with the scum who raped her - it's a 2.5 year old warrant based on texts sent to an ex in response to his texts.
> Don't worry about it.


 I apologize for saying you're mind is way too open. On reflection, it sounds very insulting. Again, my apologies, and I wish you the best outcome.


----------



## xisnotx (Mar 20, 2014)

edit: oh...just read more of the thread, joke removed.


----------



## drmiller100 (Dec 3, 2011)

Will,

been thinking on your situation. Prosecutors by and large are the dregs of attorneys, The only lower life form is a newly graduated public defender. The entire system of prosecutor/ PD is corrupt and based a lot on who knows who and how lazy everyone is feeling any given moment.

I respect very much you sticking up for your friend, and I respect hell out of people who stick to friends who run into trouble. Lots and lots of sheep in the world, and very few people who are worthy of being called friend.

I would encourage you to find the whole story. I helped a friend out recently and I did not pay enough attention to the whole side of the story. 

It cost me. 

I do not regret much about the whole thing, but I did walk out with some life lessons, and that was one.


----------



## William I am (May 20, 2011)

Geoffrey Felis said:


> I apologize for saying you're mind is way too open. On reflection, it sounds very insulting. Again, my apologies, and I wish you the best outcome.


You may have a point though. Sometimes I wish more people were more forthcoming with opinions like that. You sure you're not an NT? 
@drmiller100 - I'm not going to rest easy until I have the whole story. I'm not quite sure how to get more of it though, unless I can access court records somehow.


----------



## BlackDog (Jan 6, 2012)

Sounds like an enormous headache to me, and a major red flag. 

I just have to be honest, even if it sounds harsh, but I wouldn't get involved. I'd find out what happened (the _whole_ story, all her charges, why there was a restraining order in the first place, etc.) and go from there, but chances are something is amiss. Not to mention - if I wasn't already loyal to the person, I don't think I'd want to wait for them to get out of jail and then deal with the consequences of her having been in jail. Trouble travelling, criminal record, not to mention the probability that the person may end up in jail again (if it was so easy and innocent to get landed there in the first place). I don't really see many benefits of getting involved. 

As I said, that's just me.


----------



## Emerald Legend (Jul 13, 2010)

I'm curious about what she texted?


----------



## Doll (Sep 6, 2012)

The fact that she had a no contact order against her isn't what concerns me. In some states (idk about yours), if you issue a restraining order against someone, it automatically applies to you as well. For example: my current SO had to issue a restraining order against a CRAZY EX (who I was almost sure would kill me). My SO also had to comply with the terms of the order and not contact her ex. If she violated it, SHE would get in trouble, not the ex. 

So, generally, if you put out a no contact order, it holds true for both parties. This prevents entrapment and so forth.

What does concern me is that she violated it _four times_ and that she was charged with _stalking_. In this day and age, it takes a lot to be charged with that, even though there are a myriad of new anti-stalking laws that have been passed through the court system.

Tread carefully. You don't know the whole story, but it sounds like she did some shady shit - and people don't change overnight.


----------



## PowerShell (Feb 3, 2013)

BlackDog said:


> Trouble travelling


Especially your county :wink: I can't imagine trying to cross the border with those charges.


----------



## BlackDog (Jan 6, 2012)

PowerShell said:


> Especially your county :wink: I can't imagine trying to cross the border with those charges.


I actually don't know a lot about getting across the border this way with charges, but I know you'd never get down to the States either with a criminal record like that. I _do_ know that Canada is particularly hard on "minor" charges like impaired driving (although I'm pretty behind that one, seeing as how I was a victim myself) so I would imagine they aren't particularly slack in other arenas. A record of any kind makes it difficult to travel in general, I believe. My sister's ex-boyfriend had some (relatively minor, petty) charges on his record and he couldn't come to Florida or Oregon with us, or fly through the States at all. 

He was a bit of an idiot anyway though, it was a good excuse to leave him at home.


----------



## TheIsrafil (May 19, 2014)

Any chance you get should be just being there; your presence is a healing soul on its own.

But over the next few weeks, or whenever you see her, you should be making up your mind as to what her character is like; all crimes aside, *is she a good, mentally-stable individual?* This is pretty much what you want in ANY partner regardless of criminal history. Just be a hopeful beacon for her during this time, and when all is said and done, I'm sure you'll come to the conclusion you need. I hope for the best for both of you.


----------



## Scrabbletray (Apr 27, 2014)

Doll said:


> So, generally, if you put out a no contact order, it holds true for both parties. This prevents entrapment and so forth.


I wish that was how the law worked around here. The law here is that the other person can contact you or approach you anywhere except your own home. If they are in some public location you have to leave and if they send you a text you just have to delete it. 

PS: Actually, you shouldn't delete the texts because you might need those as evidence later. I fucked that one up and the police only had the texts I sent back and not the ones she sent which makes it look way worse.


----------



## VinnieBob (Mar 24, 2014)

William I am said:


> So ... About a month ago, I met someone online. We met up in person and hit it off and really liked each other. I think she's an ENTP.
> 
> Things were pretty wild and wonderful, though I had a couple reservations. Then someone she works for sexually assaulted her. She came over the day after, I comforted her and she spent the night. The next day, I had to go to work for a training, and I stopped hearing back from her later that night or the next morning.
> 
> ...


run hard, run fast, whatever you do don't look back. you are lonely and she is willing to give you attention, think with your brain not your heart or dick


----------



## Polexia (Apr 22, 2014)

BlackDog said:


> (..) A record of any kind makes it difficult to travel in general, I believe. (...)


It really depends on where you live. I'm guessing you are speaking of Canada. Lol. So take the next as just info on traveling for Europeans: If you have a criminal record and live in a country in Europe it is pretty easy to travel. Because of the EU and the Schengen agreement it's easier to cross borders. I know lots of people who have both minor and some not so minor stuff on their criminal records who travel all the time. (going to the US or Canada is a no go usually. For the US 5 years has to have passed and even then you have to go to an embassy and apply through an interview process.)

Some countries do complain about this though, cause the lack of border control has made it easier for organized criminals to cross borders and move their operations into a different country or operate across borders. 

As for your situation @Will I Am 

Finding out what the true story is sounds like a good idea. Her situation doesn't necessarily imply that she is a crazy or terrible human being. best of luck to ya!


----------



## BlackDog (Jan 6, 2012)

Woops - disregard.


----------



## Ace Face (Nov 13, 2011)

William I am said:


> Thanks for the replies. I honestly posted this really late and forgot I posted it.
> 
> She's been out on bail since Monday, and I spent the night with her that night. I got a lot more pieces of the puzzle, and I can't figure out why the DA is so gung ho about pressing charges for a 2.5 year old warrant based on text messages.
> 
> ...


If she asked not to text the person she is "stalking" and continues the behavior, that is considered harassment, and the person she is stalking can file a harassment charge.


----------



## Roze (Sep 12, 2010)

I'm just going to echo what others have said. Find out the whole truth, don't just focus on what she has to say. On a personal level, I would not have pursued this woman any further, because of the amount of red flags that shot up. However, you seem to be feeling out the situation and while it's not my preference, I can respect that. Just be careful. Learn the full story, get in touch with what @Promethea is talking about, and if you can, talk to her friends. I suggest getting the full picture, weighing the pro's and cons, and decide the next course of action based off that.


----------



## Bahburah (Jul 25, 2013)

William I am said:


> I'm just really out of my element. If anyone can give me any advice, I would really appreciate it. There are things that make me think I should just walk away, and there are other things that make me think I might enjoy it if I stick around. This is all a little much to handle right now.


Tell her something like this and why she makes you feel out of your element.


Seeing as there where 4 missed court dates it sounds like there might be something she is hiding from you.
Not that it could extreme or anything but it sort of depends how she reacts to you bringing it up.

If you get resistance she might be one who is not so honest in a relationship and you should just be strait up with those kinds of people and not leave a stone unturned.


But I don't really know anything ether. lol


----------



## Doll (Sep 6, 2012)

a1b2c3d4 said:


> I wish that was how the law worked around here. The law here is that the other person can contact you or approach you anywhere except your own home. If they are in some public location you have to leave and if they send you a text you just have to delete it.


Ugh. This is why I went into law enforcement and not law. 



> PS: Actually, you shouldn't delete the texts because you might need those as evidence later. I fucked that one up and the police only had the texts I sent back and not the ones she sent which makes it look way worse.


^ Very true. When my SO was going through all the issues with her ex, we saved all the crazy voicemails/emails/EVERYTHING, otherwise it's their word against yours. People don't think when they're angry, so her voicemails got her in hot water. It was before don't ask/don't tell and my SO was getting involved with the military, so her ex's voicemails were filled with threats on getting her discharged, ect.


----------



## William I am (May 20, 2011)

Bahburah said:


> Tell her something like this and why she makes you feel out of your element.
> 
> 
> Seeing as there where 4 missed court dates it sounds like there might be something she is hiding from you.
> ...


It was 4 violations, only one missed court appearance due to a panic attack after her lawyer told her she was probably going to prison, and she turned herself in the same day.


----------

