# Struggling badly with existential depression?



## Stelmaria (Sep 30, 2011)

I have been hit hard with existential depression recently.

In the past, my coping strategy has been withdrawal (eg 'living in the moment'). In the past, this kind of worked, but now when I do that, I feel disconnected from the world. Whenever I reconnect, I get knocked for six.

I do not feel (lots of emotions) right living in this society. Our societal systems are deeply unjust, our built environments are ugly, our civilisation is causing permanent damage to the environment (deforestation, species extinction rates, climate change, pollution). In addition, I do not have much of an identity and I do not relate to the lifestyles and gender roles that others live by. I do not understand why people are so content with holding opinions based on ignorance. I do not understand how others cannot be moved emotionally by all that is going on around them. I do not understand why people are so willing to objectify others (either personally, or as a statistic), as to deny their feelings and humanity. I do not understand why humans are so violent (and then deny that they are violent).

On top of this I have an moderate to severe incurable chronic illness that makes me feel powerless to actually go out and challenge the aforementioned.

I have NFI what to do. I don't respond well to antidepressants either.


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## Fire Away (Nov 29, 2013)

Well stop having an existential crisis, and just be awesome instead!

It's always worked for me. :tongue:


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## Stelmaria (Sep 30, 2011)

TopCatLSD said:


> Well stop having an existential crisis, and just be awesome instead!
> 
> It's always worked for me. :tongue:


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## Fire Away (Nov 29, 2013)

Snowy Leopard said:


>


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## Fire Away (Nov 29, 2013)

@Snowy Leopard

Actually no, fuck that. I know what you can do.

I'm assuming you're awake right now since you replied. This is what I want you to do: I don't care what time it is or if you're in your pajamas or naked.

Close your computer, don't take anything with you, and just walk out your front door. Just keep walking for about an hour or two, and just go to where ever your body takes you. I'm confident that this will work!


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## Stelmaria (Sep 30, 2011)

TopCatLSD said:


> Close your computer, don't take anything with you, and just walk out your front door. Just keep walking for about an hour or two, and just go to where ever your body takes you.


I don't have the physical ability to do that. I'd end up stuck somewhere after my body inevitably fails me, calling someone to pick me up (late at night). Being stuck somewhere without the ability to walk in the middle of the night isn't my idea of fun.


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## VinnieB (Mar 3, 2015)

Snowy Leopard said:


> I have been hit hard with existential depression recently.
> 
> In the past, my coping strategy has been withdrawal (eg 'living in the moment'). In the past, this kind of worked, but now when I do that, I feel disconnected from the world. Whenever I reconnect, I get knocked for six.
> 
> ...


I don't suffer from depression but I think about these things as well. I often tell my mom I think the world is completely fucked. I tell her I just wanna live in a tent in the woods, in simplicity, be one with nature. I think I would have been truly happen if I were born in the time of the indians. They sat around a fire, danced, told stories of tradition and ancient spirits and slept under the stars. There were still so many secrets und undiscovered places in the world. I'm sure my sensitive nature would have been accepted and appreciated in that culture. My mom gets worried when I start talking like that, but I reassure her that I just need to vent a bit now and then and that I'll be alright :happy:

Natural catastrophes, pollution, terrorism, poverty etc. Indeed it seems as if (many, not all) people are becoming indifferent to this kind of news, because it's EVERYWHERE. Many people shut it out because it's too much. You're _not_ alone. And maybe that's not the worst thing you can do, to shut it out. 

If you absorb and worry about every bad thing happening in this world, you will indeed feel mentally and emotionally ill. You _should_ know what's going on in the real world and you _should_ watch the news regularly. But now and then, you should just close your laptop, turn off the tv and radio, put on your shoes and just take a long walk or bycicle ride, all by yourself. Don't invite anyone. Go to a forrest, park, lake. Try to connect with nature. I see you've done that in the past, "living in the moment". Try again, and again. 

Get in touch with your senses. Look at the form of the trees, smell the leaves, feel the wind in your face, listen to the birds. It's the same principle as Mindfulness, I can really recommend this type of meditation. If you don't know it, look it up. It's not complicated, on the contrary, but it takes persistence and you need to be patient. I don't practice it as much as I should, but it has certainly helped me in the past. It will help you take your mind off of your worries, doubts, darker thoughts. A counselor can certainly help you as well, absolutely no shame in that. 

But just the fact that you think about these things makes you awesome and interesting. Some people only think about their car or the raise they're getting at work. You think about things that matter. Just don't think about it _too_ much.

You're an INFJ, perhaps? :happy:

Good luck and I'm sure you'll find a solution!


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## Fire Away (Nov 29, 2013)

Snowy Leopard said:


> I don't have the physical ability to do that.


The fuck, what are you a land whale? 



> I'd end up stuck somewhere after my body inevitably fails me, calling someone to pick me up (late at night).


But, that's how the adventure begins. Trust me, this is the 100% guaranteed success TopCat exercise. I once did this while I was depressed and walked several miles to a nearby park. I ended up falling asleep there for an entire day, until the gardeners had to come wake me up in the morning because I was in their way. lol

Nothing cures existentialism like adventure! :kitteh:


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## Wellsy (Oct 24, 2011)

TopCatLSD said:


> The fuck, what are you a land whale?


Think you missed this.


Snowy Leopard said:


> On top of this I have an *moderate to severe incurable chronic illness* that makes me feel powerless to actually go out and challenge the aforementioned.


Since it's an existential issue, sounds like you need help exploring whats of value in life.
I think it resonates the sort of hopelessness that can come from observing a lack of action but at the same time I think one should be careful to what degree one is taking on some form of confirmation bias.
How hard are you looking for those that are doing something, I tend to think people ark up most when things are right in there face and though I think many people aren't privy to thinking about inequalities and societal problems, I imagine many are pressed by such issues.
Especially on account of inequality, any person who has to worry about paying bills whether they consciously think or not has certainly got to feel somethings wrong when they see the disparity between themselves and those calling the shots 

For myself when I get all negative nancy on myself, I make a conscious effort to think about the examples that are in opposition of my outlook.
Though I imagine one might circumvent this by going to conclusions of whether it's actually amounting to significant change and then conclude that the change that needs to happen isn't happening. Though I think there are many people who do contribute in their own way on improving things, how effective they are ebbs and flows.


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## Stelmaria (Sep 30, 2011)

TopCatLSD said:


> The fuck, what are you a land whale?


Yes, I'm a 6' 76kg land whale with a severe chronic illness and I don't appreciate your ableist jokes.



VinnieB said:


> But just the fact that you think about these things makes you awesome and interesting. Some people only think about their car or the raise they're getting at work. You think about things that matter. Just don't think about it _too_ much.


It is like a switch that I've forgotten how to turn off.



> Good luck and I'm sure you'll find a solution!


Thanks.


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## Fire Away (Nov 29, 2013)

Snowy Leopard said:


> Yes, I'm a 6' 76kg land whale with a severe chronic illness and I don't appreciate your ableist jokes.


Oh-shit, well... this is awkward. 

Whatever, I still stand firm behind my advice. 

Good Luck! roud:

p.s. I don't understand kilograms...


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## EndsOfTheEarth (Mar 14, 2015)

I'll be watching your thread because I've been in a really bad spot with it for about 13yrs now. It's not like I haven't tried to see the world differently, shut out the bad news sources and focused on me. Did just about everything I could to restart my life including moving locality about 5 times it that period of time, embarked on an exciting new career most people dream about doing etc. But this stuff just can't be shaken for me. The world is still greyscale and it seems like nothing will ever bring back the colour. 

I take it one day at a time. It's all I can do and occassionally people cross my path who are interesting and I take joy in that, however fleeting. I have no idea how to get back to living I just hope one day I will. Because this feels like the zombie apocalypse and I'm the walking dead.


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## EndsOfTheEarth (Mar 14, 2015)

TopCatLSD said:


> p.s. I don't understand kilograms...


x2.5 to get lbs.


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## Stelmaria (Sep 30, 2011)

InSolitude said:


> x2.5 to get lbs.


That's some pretty bad rounding error you have there.

Let me google that for you (2.2)


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## EndsOfTheEarth (Mar 14, 2015)

Meh, math was never my thing.


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## conscius (Apr 20, 2010)

Snowy Leopard said:


> I have been hit hard with existential depression recently.
> 
> In the past, my coping strategy has been withdrawal (eg 'living in the moment'). In the past, this kind of worked, but now when I do that, I feel disconnected from the world. Whenever I reconnect, I get knocked for six.
> 
> ...


I wish there was a hug button, some of the stuff you said really made me sad and I could identify with, having experience some of these issues at one time or other in my life.


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## bigstupidgrin (Sep 26, 2014)

Get away from news media (because negativity = clicks). Unless you have local news, and want to just watch the fluff pieces. 

Is there a place you could safely volunteer without exerting yourself/testing the limits of your chronic illness?


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## Pressed Flowers (Oct 8, 2014)

I can relate, a little. For me it's more that... the world is so sad. There's so much sadness. So much cruelty. So much ignorance, which I'm okay with, but the ignorance of people brings them to hurt others, and it's... it's just terrible. It's a cycle. It's an awful cycle and if maims people. Humanity is in pain, but there are so many people saying humanity deserves the pain, and they keep heaping it on. Obviously it's beyond my powers of comprehension :/ 

I'm giving this example because... This is what makes me depressed. This is what makes me sad. Big problems like you, the world is just so clouded with badness that it's hard sometimes. It's really hard. 

Now, for me, I stay out of existential depression by doing my best to help the world. I hate hatred. I hate it with every fiber of my being. So I try to fight it. I try to use kindness wherever I can. I am seeking a career where I can help others, where I can truly do my best to make the world a better place. In doing these things, I know I'll never win. One can never eradicate hatred. I don't think anyone can eradicate hatred, really. No matter how hard we may try, the world is going to be hurting. But we can try to fight it, foster love where we can. That's my goal. Of course I have other things that keep me going too, but deep inside me it's more this idea that I can make it, I can fight the cruelty, I can stop some pain and work to stop a lot of pain. 

Obviously, that's not going to help everyone. Helping people is my calling. Loving people and living in love is my passion. I cannot tell you what your passion is. It seems you are upset by social injustice and global warming (from your OP). I'm sure there's other things that you would like to work against as well. I suggest that you find a way to work towards it, towards making the world the type of place you would want it to be. Of course, as with my passion, you're never going to entirely get there. Pollution will still happen. Injustice will still happen. It is sad, but no one person can control the world and the person who thinks he can control the world will be a tyrant. What you can do though is do your part to change the world as you would like to. This will give you purpose. You must allow yourself to realize that while you are one person, and you cannot do everything, you are still a person who is an active participant in this world and one who can do _something_.

I understand this may not be easy, especially given that you mention a chronic illness. This will make it harder. (I can relate slightly, because I an immobile person who requires a wheelchair.) But please do not let this discourage you. You can still make a difference. It will be harder, yes, this is true, but by _no means_ is it anywhere near impossible. 

I think this lesson could help you. Realizing - no matter what it takes - that while the universe is big and you are in many ways an ant, you are an ant who can do something. In fact you are not an ant. In this world, you are a member of the dominant species. You have a voice. You have life. You have personhood. You can do something, and that something matters and can make a difference in this world. 

Perhaps this is not the solution for you, but I hope it at least helps you on your way to overcoming this depression. Whatever your way is to get out of this sadness, I hope it finds you soon. Please take care.


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## the_natrix (Aug 10, 2011)

I have one question and one suggestion.

The suggestion is helping people is my self chosen purpose, perhaps it could be yours. 

The question is what sort of chronic illness do you have?


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## LostFavor (Aug 18, 2011)

Have you checked your Vitamin D levels? It's a long shot, but it's possible to be depressed because of Vitamin D deficiency. 

Check out this book for how to make sure you get it tested right: Power of Vitamin D: A Vitamin D Book That Contains The Most Scientific, Useful And Practical Information About Vitamin D - Hormone D - Kindle edition by Sarfraz Zaidi MD. Professional & Technical Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

Meaning isn't found, it is made. Purpose is discovered. Existentialism demands you discover a purpose worth being here for. What is your purpose? Why are you here?


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## raskoolz (May 26, 2014)

If you spend enough time to slow down and let the clouds of disillusionment pass, you will wake up to your true self and find that there are ideals that significantly float high above you.

Also, pictures/videos of cats.


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## EndsOfTheEarth (Mar 14, 2015)

Out of all the advice so far the cat memes is a good one. They're actually funny. :tongue:


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## Wellsy (Oct 24, 2011)

InSolitude said:


> Out of all the advice so far the cat memes is a good one. They're actually funny. :tongue:


This might be your sort of thing then.


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## EndsOfTheEarth (Mar 14, 2015)

Wellsy said:


> This might be your sort of thing then.


All human conditions can ultimately be expressed by a cat meme.


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## Wellsy (Oct 24, 2011)

InSolitude said:


> All human conditions can ultimately be expressed by a cat meme.


It's only a matter of time before spoken words are replaced by cat memes in offline interaction, the revolution is coming.


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## raskoolz (May 26, 2014)

The revolution will not be tele-meowed.


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## Slagasauras (Jun 26, 2013)

Hey man, look, at least you've identified you've been feeling this way because you're depressed. I think it would be great if you noticed -when- you feel that way, -what- triggers it, -where- your emotions are at...I think another great thing for you to do is look into mindfulness techniques. I'm not the best at practicing them, but they do help when I'm not completely on the fritz. Also, how much antidepressants have you been on? It honestly is just a trial of figuring out which one works. My brother has been on multiple antidepressants as well as tranquilizers and it took us three years to find a good combination, so don't give up.

May I ask if you're in therapy?


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## sockratees (Apr 7, 2015)

It all makes sense in the scope of evolution and evolutionary psychology. The question I posed to myself was, why am I holding on to this false perception of humanity?


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## Stelmaria (Sep 30, 2011)

Wellsy said:


> It's only a matter of time before spoken words are replaced by cat memes in offline interaction, the revolution is coming.


Purrr-fect


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## Stelmaria (Sep 30, 2011)

bigstupidgrin said:


> Is there a place you could safely volunteer without exerting yourself/testing the limits of your chronic illness?


Not at the moment, besides helping out on a few things online (I am also peripherally engaged in discussions with researchers of my condition for example).

It shouldn't be a big surprise when I say that the people who I most want to help are people who have slipped through the cracks of society like myself.



alittlebear said:


> Obviously, that's not going to help everyone. Helping people is my calling. Loving people and living in love is my passion. I cannot tell you what your passion is. It seems you are upset by social injustice and global warming (from your OP). I'm sure there's other things that you would like to work against as well. I suggest that you find a way to work towards it, towards making the world the type of place you would want it to be. Of course, as with my passion, you're never going to entirely get there. Pollution will still happen. Injustice will still happen. It is sad, but no one person can control the world and the person who thinks he can control the world will be a tyrant. What you can do though is do your part to change the world as you would like to. This will give you purpose. You must allow yourself to realize that while you are one person, and you cannot do everything, you are still a person who is an active participant in this world and one who can do _something_.


I have/had a passion for a great number of things, from science, to music (inc composition), to nature and animals. I don't mind so much that I'm not involved in these things in great depth.

The part I find frustrating is that the trends related to many things that I believe in, with regards to nature and humanity are not changing at all for the better. I see many people out there that I admire, that not only share a particular belief or vision with me, with respect to a particular issue, but are working very hard to try and create change. The problem is that most of these people are not successful despite how hard or creatively they work.

In the past, when I was more ignorant of all these issues, I was happier. Before I actually dug down and examined the issues, looked at the statistics, projected trends and tried to look for changes. The problem is that once you know, it is hard to let go, at least not if you don't want to slip into a fantasy world.



LostFavor said:


> Have you checked your Vitamin D levels? It's a long shot, but it's possible to be depressed because of Vitamin D deficiency.


I'm not convinced of the science you linked to, but more to the point, I have been tested several times and have not noticed any relationship between Vitamin D levels and feelings of depression, or the rest of my health for that matter.



tanstaafl28 said:


> Meaning isn't found, it is made. Purpose is discovered. Existentialism demands you discover a purpose worth being here for. What is your purpose? Why are you here?


I've been a seeker my whole life. I'd like to live a life that is in-balance with the natural cycles and systems that have persisted on Earth for hundreds of millions of years. But it seems so strange now as the population of humans has exploded by magnitudes of order and now behave in quite peculiar ways, each generation consuming ever more resources per person, ever more change of the Earth, per person. The impact of this is massive, as I mentioned earlier, species extinction rates, deforestation etc. There is no sign that this trend will reverse.



Slagasauras said:


> Hey man, look, at least you've identified you've been feeling this way because you're depressed. I think it would be great if you noticed -when- you feel that way, -what- triggers it, -where- your emotions are at...


Nothing specific triggers it. That is the key defining characteristic of existential depression. Potential 'triggers' are many. Everything from others arrogantly displaying their ignorance, to witnessing people causing harm to others (including animals), to a great deal of confusion when I do tasks that other people in our society take for granted, eg. shopping at the supermarket, traveling about the city (I deeply question the need for private cars for example) - there are so many questions, that I can't even think of them all - or any at all, I just feel confused.



> May I ask if you're in therapy?


Not at the moment, currently looking for the right person. The only decent therapist I had found over years was the student councillor at my university. In my experience, most therapists (regardless of educational background) have superficial worldviews and have surprisingly limited knowledge of the efficacy and applicability of the therapies they use.


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## Stelmaria (Sep 30, 2011)

sockratees said:


> It all makes sense in the scope of evolution and evolutionary psychology. The question I posed to myself was, why am I holding on to this false perception of humanity?


The idea that life is meaningless and our natural systems are way out of balance compared to historical norms?

If you seem to be implying that this is inevitable and people should behave in such ugly ways, then all I can say is I find this distasteful and I want no part of it.


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## Pressed Flowers (Oct 8, 2014)

@Snowy Leopard I understand what you are saying about the disappointment in the human limitation to effect change, but I still ink that it's worth doing what we can to help the world. Not even change it, because that is somewhat an idea from a fantasy world... but to help it. Of course, though, being in an existential depression is sort of all about (from what I understand from my friends who have experienced it) being slowed down by the personal conviction that one cannot do anything to impact the world. 

I agree that therapy could be very helpful to you. I understand the difficulty in finding a good therapist, but... As someone who has found a good therapist who is right for you, let me tell you that there is hope out there. They're all going to be biased, they're all going to be a bit silly in their own way, but hopefully you can locate one who is silly in a way that fits with you and who has biases in alignment with your own.


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