# "...she's younger and hotter than you"



## islandlight (Aug 13, 2013)

I'd just move on.

And chalk it up to the fact that people don't know what they want. The guy who says he wants someone younger and hotter will end up with someone older and not hot.


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## NIHM (Mar 24, 2014)

Red Panda said:


> oh
> well, none of those options coz im not psycho
> 
> but I'd prob tell him he's being rude and I'm glad he didn't like me after all
> unless I explicitly asked him why he preferred her, then he's still rude but I asked for it


Yep, that was my thought on it too. Though I don't think I would reply with him being rude, I would just get up and leave. If someone wants to be that way with me, no point in giving him space in my head or life to explain himself. It would be like who cares? There are plenty of fish in the sea. Basically, not going to force someone to like me. To each their own.


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

Penny said:


> mia-me's up next for the tree lol


What's the tree?


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## Whippit (Jun 15, 2012)

Being rude is not cool, but as a guy I've dealt with: I'm not attracted to you (hotter), you're too short, I like this other guy more.. prob because he's younger and hotter. IDK, all's fair with attraction. Just move on.


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## Penny (Mar 24, 2016)

mia-me said:


> What's the tree?


the toe hanging tree from the poll lol ( i'm just kidding)


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

Penny said:


> the toe hanging tree from the poll lol ( i'm just kidding)


Either you people value honesty or you don't. And apparently, you don't.


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## Penny (Mar 24, 2016)

mia-me said:


> Either you people value honesty or you don't. And apparently, you don't.


i value honesty, believe me. i mean, if thats what it was, rejection. and im starting to realize now that maybe it was a form of rejection which i didnt see before. so, yeah thanks for clearing that up for me. i couldnt wrap my mind around what would possess them to say that besides perhaps a deep seated feeling of inferiority which they had to project onto me, like, so id know how they felt, but i was in general confused hence why i just let it slide at the time. so yeah, they must have been like rejecting me. now i know all the better. i mean, yeah, right. i am glad they let me know they thought some girl half my age was younger and hotter than me despite the fact that they knew i liked them. i appreciate honesty so much.


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

Penny said:


> i value honesty, believe me. i mean, if thats what it was, rejection. and im starting to realize now that maybe it was a form of rejection which i didnt see before. so, yeah thanks for clearing that up for me. i couldnt wrap my mind around what would possess them to say that besides perhaps a deep seated feeling of inferiority which they had to project onto me, like, so id know how they felt, but i was in general confused hence why i just let it slide at the time. so yeah, they must have been like rejecting me. now i know all the better. i mean, yeah, right. i am glad they let me know they thought some girl half my age was younger and hotter than me despite the fact that they knew i liked them. i appreciate honesty so much.


What a load, lol. Carry on.


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## Penny (Mar 24, 2016)

mia-me said:


> What a load, lol. Carry on.



thinks "grrrrrr" and proceeds to mentally hate f*ck the offender


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

Penny said:


> thinks "grrrrrr" and proceeds to *mentally hate f*ck* the offender


Never understood the bolded. It's more often than not a guy thing.


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## Penny (Mar 24, 2016)

mia-me said:


> Never understood the bolded. It's more often than not a guy thing.


well, i dont know if im using the term right or not, but for me hate f*ck means to aggressively attack someone sexually in an odd mix of anger and sexual desire?


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

Penny said:


> well, i dont know if im using the term right or not, but for me hate f*ck means to aggressively attack someone sexually in an odd mix of anger and sexual desire?


Correct. It's also driven by the need to dominate. It's a leftover from the animal brain. Dogs, chimps, all sorts of other mammals too.


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## Hexigoon (Mar 12, 2018)

Maybe I'd try getting with her instead of him then.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

Penny said:


> so, if some guy you liked said this to you, what would you do?


Not a woman, but I can think of another good torture. A young calf will pretty much suckle anything it is presented with if it looks like a teat, and it won't stop (use your imagination).


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## deafcrossfitter (Nov 30, 2019)

Sensational said:


> This kinda did happen to me. Not in those exact words. Per se
> 
> But the guy I was dating last year sorta did say something to the effect of preferring to date much younger people. Not like he was a pedo or anything. But just implied he was holding out to date someone in their mid twenties.
> 
> ...


Agree strongly. It's not worth being so hung up over. TBH I'd just ignore him, allow myself to be a bit angry, and continue looking.


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

deafcrossfitter said:


> Agree strongly. It's not worth being so hung up over. TBH I'd just ignore him, allow myself to be a bit angry, and continue looking.


Why be angry?


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## Squirt (Jun 2, 2017)

Penny said:


> well, i dont know if im using the term right or not, but for me hate f*ck means to aggressively attack someone sexually in an odd mix of anger and sexual desire?


It’s also possible the goal was to make you jealous/rile you up, from the sound of it.


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## deafcrossfitter (Nov 30, 2019)

mia-me said:


> Why be angry?


If I got my hopes up about dating someone, and they were dashed, it would probably be a bit of anger and hurt, but that's all it would be. A little bit.


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

deafcrossfitter said:


> If I got my hopes up about dating someone, and they were dashed, it would probably be a bit of anger and hurt, but that's all it would be. A little bit.


Rather than be angry, the source of the anger is disappointment and that's healthy to feel that way. It's also healthy to express the disappointment but it's unhealthy to put your anger on the other person since both of you have a right to your preferences.


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## deafcrossfitter (Nov 30, 2019)

mia-me said:


> Rather than be angry, the source of the anger is disappointment and that's healthy to feel that way. It's also healthy to express the disappointment but it's unhealthy to put your anger on the other person since both of you have a right to your preferences.


Yes, I understand that, but IMO those comments are a bit uneccessary and a simple: "Sorry, not interested" would be enough for me to pack up shop.


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

deafcrossfitter said:


> Yes, I understand that, but IMO those comments are a bit uneccessary and a simple: "Sorry, not interested" would be enough for me to pack up shop.


If they weren't interested in you the way you hoped, they might have considered you a friend, hence okay to be blunt.

That said, I hear you about the rudeness. There's a line between bluntness and rudeness. My prior comments to penny were intended for her to examine her belief that she prefers honesty but her conception of honesty would be highly subjective.


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## Squirt (Jun 2, 2017)

mia-me said:


> Rather than be angry, the source of the anger is disappointment and that's healthy to feel that way. It's also healthy to express the disappointment but it's unhealthy to put your anger on the other person since both of you have a right to your preferences.


My guess is the reaction would be different if he simply said, “She is hot” compared to “she is hotter than you,” pitting one person’s value against another with the needless comparison.

It’s not that hard to understand where the anger would come from, as the statement is easily purposefully disrespectful rather than just “stating preferences.”


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

deafcrossfitter said:


> If I got my hopes up about dating someone, and they were dashed, it would probably be a bit of anger and hurt, but that's all it would be. A little bit.





Squirt said:


> My guess is the reaction would be different if he simply said, “She is hot” compared to “she is hotter than you,” pitting one person’s value against another with the needless comparison.
> 
> It’s not that hard to understand where the anger would come from, as the statement is easily purposefully disrespectful rather than just “stating preferences.”


Refer to deafcrossfitter's explanation of her anger. Also, refer to below.



mia-me said:


> That said, I hear you about the rudeness. There's a line between bluntness and rudeness.


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## Squirt (Jun 2, 2017)

mia-me said:


> Refer to deafcrossfitter's explanation of her anger. Also, refer to below.


Ah, I gotcha. Didn’t see your referenced post until after I replied.


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

Squirt said:


> Ah, I gotcha. Didn’t see your referenced post until after I replied.


One issue. We don't know if the OP asked this guy why he preferred someone else.


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## Squirt (Jun 2, 2017)

mia-me said:


> One issue. We don't know if the OP asked this guy why he preferred someone else.


Didn’t get any context for the conversation, really. So I won’t suppose any further.


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## Penny (Mar 24, 2016)

Squirt said:


> Didn’t get any context for the conversation, really. So I won’t suppose any further.


honestly, i dont even remember the context of the statement either. thats just what stuck with me lol is that "she was younger and hotter" he was likely just being a turd as men are wont to do. anyway i just want to forget about it now. i was just venting. its good though. thanks everyone for commenting. feels like i finally processed some upsetting feelings and have some greater clarity about the situation.


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## ENTJudgement (Oct 6, 2013)

Penny said:


> neither just some guy you liked who knew you liked him


Sounds like it's time to move on. Personally for me, I'd rather have someone reject me and straight up tell me why i.e you look like shit and I'm way outta ur league. Than to get fed b.s like "I'd totally go out with you if I didn't have a b.f" when she obviously didn't have a b.f.

Coz I'm a stats/numbers guy so I like to know why so I can more accurately categorize myself into the correct category then using a larger sample size, calculate what my chances are gonna be so I can have a realistic and more accurate idea rather than not knowing why and just failing over and over.

It applies to everything including career as well, for instance, if I wanted to become a movie star as a kid but noone fed me the stats on how many people wanted to become movie stars vs the % of people who were successful. I would of had the delusion that I can just become a movie star but in reality, occupations like being an pro athlete, movie star, pro gamer etc... all only takes the top 0.001% of interested people. So I would of had a very high chance of ruining my whole career path by picking such an astronomically competitive profession.

If I knew the stats beforehand, I would of gone for something more solid then do the highly competitive dream career as a hobby instead which gives me a far higher likelihood of success.


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

I actually think it's better to find out people's values earlier than later.

Most people who value materialism and superficiality a lot will deny it, because it's looked down upon. And then you risk investing in a relationship with them, so to find out early that they don't share the same values as you or they value women very differently, is very fortuitous.

It would be likely that is why I even liked him in the first place, because I thought he was candid and honest.

But I agree that you can be honest while still being kind, and he doesn't sound very kind. If he is purposefully disrespectful to women it is also good to know. 

Honesty can be attractive, but it's not enough to make a relationship work.


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## Schizoid (Jan 31, 2015)

I remembered reading from somewhere before that people are often attracted to mates who project a similar "image age" as them. So it's not the chronological age that matters most in dating, but it's the image age that you project to people around you that matters most when it comes to dating.

So if you often act more matured than your actual age, you will tend to attract mates who are much older than you, and the younger ones will end up rejecting you. And it seems like this is what is happening right now. The guy whom you fell for is attracted to that younger woman, because he is deep down an immature person, so he only fell for women who are much younger than him, because it reflects his maturity levels. And you on the other hand, seems much more matured than your actual age, so I'm guessing the men who are attracted to you tends to be at least 10-20 years older than you, so if you go for any men who are younger than this age group there's a high chance he will end up rejecting you.


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## mimesis (Apr 10, 2012)

mia-me said:


> Speaking from personal experiences, it doesn't matter what you say to reject someone. I've tried being kind, ghosting and being rude. People will get butt hurt and paint you as evil.


Saying "I see you as a friend" would be kind, but possibly too subtle for some men, and may just delay the butthurt.

You may need to be more explicit than that. 

Perhaps that also explains OP's experience?


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## Red Panda (Aug 18, 2010)

"you're not my type" is a nicer way to put it that doesn't leave much room for negotiation I think


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## Red Panda (Aug 18, 2010)

NIHM said:


> Yep, that was my thought on it too. Though I don't think I would reply with him being rude, I would just get up and leave. If someone wants to be that way with me, no point in giving him space in my head or life to explain himself. It would be like who cares? There are plenty of fish in the sea. Basically, not going to force someone to like me. To each their own.


Yea, it depends on whether I asked or not


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## mimesis (Apr 10, 2012)

Red Panda said:


> Yea, it depends on whether I asked or not


Like Alfie did


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

mimesis said:


> Saying "I see you as a friend" would be kind, but possibly too subtle for some men, and may just delay the butthurt.
> 
> You may need to be more explicit than that.
> 
> Perhaps that also explains OP's experience?


IIf you refer to the post that was quoted, nowhere did I mention 'friend'. Being kind can take many forms of 'it's not you, it's me'. That said, considering how friendzoning someone is considered a cardinal sin, teh ebil of all ebils, on the Interwebs by males, it should be enough to get through.


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## mimesis (Apr 10, 2012)

mia-me said:


> IIf you refer to the post that was quoted, nowhere did I mention 'friend'. Being kind can take many forms of 'it's not you, it's me'. That said, considering how friendzoning someone is considered a cardinal sin, teh ebil of all ebils, on the Interwebs by males, it should be enough to get through.


I didn't mean to 'imply' that you said it. 

My response was just in general. 

That being kind saying 'I see you as a friend', was taken explicitly by some guys (but only the nice guys, duh), since men are more inclined to communicate explicitly, as opposed to implicitly. That is to say, those guys hoped one time to climb the ranks from friend to lover. And all the whining is not so much about that moment she was being kind in her rejection, but the moment (months later) it dawned upon those nice guys, they would never get the promotion they apparently felt entitled to or deserving of. (For instance in return for all their favors as a friend). And would never leave 'the zone'. (Stupid wording anyway). Not justifying or accusing anything, just explaining (mis)communication. 

And in case of OP the guy was very explicit.


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

mimesis said:


> And in case of OP the guy was very explicit.


Yup, which should have the intended consequence of shutting another down.


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## mimesis (Apr 10, 2012)

mia-me said:


> Yup, which should have the intended consequence of shutting another down.


Not that I approve of that, but

"The Invisible Rule
Although invisible, the authors insist that most women live by this unspoken rule. For example, women will often take steps to balance the power and self-esteem with a friend and colleague whenever an imbalance threatens. Imagine, for example, that Sandra compliments a colleague, Martha, for her great new suit. "This old thing?" Martha might say. "I got it on sale." By complimenting her colleague on the new suit, Sandra increased Martha's power and self-esteem. Martha immediately brought the power and self-esteem back into balance by denigrating her suit.
(...)
The authors offer scientific and cultural explanations for the Power Dead-Even Rule. Little girls' games, for example, are often win-win. If you're playing jump-rope, the worst that can happen is that you lose your turn, which will come back around again. In boys' games, whether it's sports or cowboys, there are winners and losers - and somebody has to lose. Little boys are taught to accept that not everything is even."



https://www.summary.com/book-reviews/_/In-The-Company-of-Women/?=




And fwiw "I see you as a friend" could perhaps also be seen in that light, of win-win. Or "It's not you, it's me" as 'power dead-even'.


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

mimesis said:


> Not that I approve of that, but
> 
> "The Invisible Rule
> Although invisible, the authors insist that most women live by this unspoken rule. For example, women will often take steps to balance the power and self-esteem with a friend and colleague whenever an imbalance threatens. Imagine, for example, that Sandra compliments a colleague, Martha, for her great new suit. "This old thing?" Martha might say. "I got it on sale." By complimenting her colleague on the new suit, Sandra increased Martha's power and self-esteem. Martha immediately brought the power and self-esteem back into balance by denigrating her suit.
> ...


This is interesting but too much of either isn't a good thing. Strictly my opinion but context should drive which strategy to employ.


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## mimesis (Apr 10, 2012)

mia-me said:


> This is interesting but too much of either isn't a good thing. Strictly my opinion but context should drive which strategy to employ.


In the end I think it just says more about him, or his personal preference, than about @Penny . I mean for me a woman being younger would not necessarily be better, or hotter by definition.


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