# What do I say to a whose friend was just murdered?



## Zelemont (Jan 25, 2010)

EDIT: to a person _I love_ whose friend was just murdered.

Unfortunately, it isn't a hypothetical. I came to chicago to stay with my brother and his gf for a nice relaxing weekendbut it is already megafucked. Less than an hour after getting here, she gets a call informing her that sometime after she left, her boss was murdered in the office. So far it sounds like she was shot. 

I guess I don't know why I am posting here. I cant talk to my brother or his gf, they are grieving. I am just at a loss for words. All I have said since is "I'm so sorry" and now I don't know how to approach them. I know this is selfish, but by now we were supposed to be relaxing and watching a movie. I havent been able to hang out with them forever. But now I guess the best thing to do is just stay upstairs and let them deal. Right now they are on the phone being interviewed by homicide. 

I don't know if im looking for advice or sympathy or what. Well, not sympathy, I didn't know her, but damn does it hurt to watch them as they slowly accept the woman they both were close to has been murdered. Actually, I am just looking for somebody I can talk to about this because I don't think it would be right for me to go downstairs. 

This world can suck. Take care of yourselves and be careful who you associate with.


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## Siggy (May 25, 2009)

I'm very sorry. They are going through hell right now. Ask them if there is anything you can do. If the answer is nothing, then just be available for them. 
Thanks for posting and keep us updated.


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## Zelemont (Jan 25, 2010)

Turns out homicide was just a rumor. She (an overconfident plastic surgeon) decided to give herself liposuction after everyone left the office. Not sure if she bled out or had cardiac arrest, but either way she left behind two toddlers. 

Damn my sensitivity. I didn't know her, but the image keeps running itself through my head over and over again. I can imagine the fear of realizing she did something wrong and knowing she is about to die. That she is going to leave her kids behind with her estranged ex-husband. The blood. The lifeless body found hours later. The people who knew her sponging up pools of her blood. 

I guess despite all the Dexter and Criminal minds and other dark shows I watch, i am not used to having somebody under 50 die who is close to my family. It kind of smacks me in the face and makes me realize the fragility of life. 

Don't bother asking "what exactly happened" because her immediate family is probably the only group who knows at this point. Also don't bother with "why the hell would she do something so incredibly stupid knowing the risks?" All we did this weekend was mull over the possibilities. 

Now my brothers gf has to go to work tomorrow and pack everything up, then call patients and let them know their dr. is dead. Some of them were getting checkups without charge after their surgeries, and now they are going to be referred to a doctor who will charge them for followups they need but may not be able to afford.

:sad:


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## inservio uberfrau (Mar 13, 2010)

well, it was her fault...wasn't a very good application of logic or intuition...

as for people that are suffering from it...be available for them, not constantly in their presence, but there so that if they do want someone to talk to, you're available


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## walkawaysun09 (Mar 13, 2010)

This is where you don't say anything, you listen. If they need to cry, be that shoulder for them to cry on. If they don't want to cry, tell them holding it in isn't that good. Assure them that the police will find and catch this guy, that justice will be served.

Somehow...you have to find a way to make sure they KNOW everything will be made as right as it can be...and just be there for them as much as you can.


This is typically how I'd work this. Unfortunately my typical response of "You need a hug, if you need to cry, I'm here" doesn't get much a good reaction from those who aren't the crying/hugging type. But it's worth a shot to let people know you're willing to do the things THEY need...simply because that's what you have to do, be there.

Sorry it went on a bit of a ramble that was repetitive but...yeah...it's almost impossible to do anything but reassure/be there/listen


Edit: Damn I'm slow...the update was posted while I was typing...in the circumstance the homicide was a rumor...just reassure that somehow it'll be ok.


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## BlissfulDreams (Dec 25, 2009)

Even if it wasn't murder, I think it's still quite tragic.

A few months after I met my now best friend, her uncle was murdered (by his nephew/my friend's cousin of all people). I had no idea what to say to my friend. How do you console someone when they go through such a loss? I was afraid of saying something wrong, so I just kept quiet. I let her talk. If she needed to cry, I offered a shoulder to cry on.

Your brother's girlfriend will probably start to talk about it. In my friend's situation, she was in denial at first. She couldn't fathom that something so terrible could happen to someone that she loved so much. Every little thing made her cry. But after she was able to grasp what had happened, she actually talked about it a lot. I think this was her way of trying to piece things together and make sense of what happened.

This is why I don't suggest you try to ask her too many details, as even a couple questions might be to hard for her. I think she'll open up later. It's a different situation, but the grieving process will probably be the same. Instead of "Why did they do that to her?", it will be "Why did she do that to herself?" and "Was she in pain?". Just be there for your brother and his girlfriend as much as they need you to be.

I hope this was of some help to you.


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