# Help with my abusive parents, please?



## Gracie (Dec 13, 2009)

I've been asked to meet up with my parents and their therapist this week, on Tuesday.

I reported my parents to social services in February of this year, and again earlier this month, for hitting my little brother, who's 14. I have a very complicated relationship with them both, especially my mother, and my feelings about the whole scenario are similarly complicated. It probably doesn't help that I am INFJ, so I approach the whole situation with a combination of intense sensitivity to both my brother's pain and my parents' criticism, and a tendency to over- and psychoanalyse everything.

I think I understand my parents, in most ways, but that doesn't necessarily make them any easier to deal with. My mother has struggled with clinical depression (confirmed) and mental illness (I suspect) for many years, and it plays a huge part in what goes on at home. It's a long story, I guess, and I'm not sure how much background I need to give to make the situation clear. Suffice to say, though, that while there are some mitigating factors that can explain a lot of my parents' behaviour, it still has to stop.

Things usually kick off most when my parents are stressed or angry and they lash out. My brother's behaviour can be difficult at times, but he has a lot of repressed anger and resentment towards my parents that they make no effort to understand. He has been kicked, hit, punched, slapped, shoved, hit with objects like the rod to pull down the attic stairs... it's pretty horrific when they start on him. I've been hit more than once myself - by my mother - usually for intervening. I locked him in my room once until my mother calmed down.

Basically, social services have been about as useful as a chocolate fireman since I reported them, but they did refer my parents on to this counsellor/therapist type person. I'm not sure whether he's a psychiatrist or what, but they want me to attend a meeting between him, me and my parents. 

Needless to say, I moved out after I reported them, and my contact with them has been fairly minimal since. It's, er... awkward, to say the least. I'm extremely sensitive and non-confrontational, and they are equally pigheaded about their behaviour, so to me confronting them alone was not really an option.

Thing is, I'm still nervous about this meeting. I know I will feel safer being honest with a professional present - but, in order to make him understand how worried I am, and how serious I perceive this as being, I will have to be really honest about what goes on. And I know that my parents are going to try to prevent that at any cost. They will deny things ever happened, they'll get defensive, they'll contradict me... :frustrating: I'm just afraid. I used to honestly question my own sanity when I was younger because my parents would so adamantly deny that the things I said happened never did - I was imagining them, or exaggerating. But I know I'm not, and I can't ignore what's happening to my brother. I feel so incredibly isolated and I don't know what to do. I'm also scared that the therapist won't believe me even if I am honest. I'm scared of really hurting my parents, but I can't lie to make them look better either.

I'm sorry this has been so desperately long-winded, any advice would be hugely appreciated.


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## fairydust (Nov 26, 2009)

Be honest, be honest, be honest... 
you can never know what you are doing for your brother. use your voice. he may be difficult but that does not give anyone the right to use him as a punching bag. your perceptions are accurate. you are not imagining things or making them up. 
if you have to write what you want to say down on paper. stick to a mantra that what they are doing is wrong. breathe and continue to tell yourself not to get caught up in the relational dynamics. 
you have freed yourself from them physically, now free yourself emotionally..
you go! I'm proud of you


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## Nasmoe (Nov 11, 2009)

Yeah, be honest and don't hold back anything just because they are trying to deny anything. I'm sure it will be realized that you are not making anything up. Your parents should deal with and solve their problems not try to defend them, especially when they harm others. Just keep your head up, speak clear and even, and be honest by telling how you perceive the situation and how it is an endangerment.


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## Gracie (Dec 13, 2009)

Thank you both so much for the responses roud:


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## pinkrasputin (Apr 13, 2009)

I am going through a similar thing. My ex husband, who currently has custody with my daughter, has been physically abusing her. The CPS opened a case in May. And yeah-they are worthless. They sent the father to therapy with my daughter. Like she is ever going to admit what is really happening to the counselor in front of them. Even the court believes it is wrong. My daughter needs INDIVIDUAL counseling. So that way she can trust someone (a mandated reporter) and admit to whatever she wants. 

At first the court was pushing for all 3 of us to go to counseling together. What's the point? My ex husband is also my abuser as well. I am done trying to "get along" with him and it's incredilbly unhealthy. Fortunately, I am working with the domestic violence services in my town. They are guiding me. The court also pushed for me to tell CPS that I don't want my daughter going to counseling anymore with her father. Rather, that she needs individual counseling. Plus, her going to counseling with him is already creating a bias with me on the outside. I can't stand going to therapy with someone who is just going to sit there and lie over and over. Especially after the therapist has already had time with HIM and got to know him. I would just be someone coming from the outside.

Call protective services and tell them your concern. You're probably in the same position I am. Why won't they do anything to protect the child??? That is because they are not taking your word. Obviously they are not taking my word that her dad has been knocking my 13 year old's daughter head against the walls and that he has been kicking her to the floor. They think we can all go to therapy and "just get along". This is bullshit. There is an abuser around and he needs to be away from our daughter. 

When I left him, I knew he wasn't going to get any better with us living together. Why are they forcing a child to stay in that surrounding? 

You can go to the meeting and speak your mind, but I think you are going to get really upset. But it's worth a try. I would push for your brother to have individual therapy. And call the cops as often as you can when you suspect something is happening with your brother. They are called "welfare checks". Say you heard screaming in the background and that the phone was just hung up (only if that is really happening) but I know they will respond. Keep mentioning to the cops that there is an open CPS case. They will go to the house.

Are you old enough to take your brother and have him live with you?


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## Mutatio NOmenis (Jun 22, 2009)

Go armed; just take a well-hidden Bowie Knife or a pocket pistol. Just make sure you're compotent with it first.

BTW, get a home defense gun for in case if they come after you later.


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## Conscience (Mar 9, 2010)

In problems like this it's very hard to distinguish the true victim in the scenario. In my opinion it sounds like your brother. Child abuse is an inexcusable crime. But it seems your parents need help too. If the authorities do nothing to help, you must figure out a way to help your brother and parents. Without the authorities.
But with the authorities, if you have genuine evidence and legitimate proof, you may have their trust and belief. I'm pretty sure that didn't help, but I want to say that I hope thingy really get bteer. I'nm so sorry. :sad:


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## finically (Nov 18, 2009)

Hi Gracie

I'm very sorry to hear about the immense pain and stress that you and your brother are going through. I don't have any advice to offer, since I'm completely unfamiliar to these situations, but I just wanted to wish you the very best of luck. I hope that things turn out for the best for you and your brother, and that your parents get some help (it sounds like they're going through problems of their own). 

You're a very strong person and I admire you for it. roud:


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## Strayfire (Jun 26, 2010)

Gracie said:


> I've been asked to meet up with my parents and their therapist this week, on Tuesday.
> 
> I reported my parents to social services in February of this year, and again earlier this month, for hitting my little brother, who's 14. I have a very complicated relationship with them both, especially my mother, and my feelings about the whole scenario are similarly complicated. It probably doesn't help that I am INFJ, so I approach the whole situation with a combination of intense sensitivity to both my brother's pain and my parents' criticism, and a tendency to over- and psychoanalyse everything.
> 
> ...


*sniff*

That's so sad. I'm not sure you could do much about it. You just need good friends. People to support you. I really wish I was there to hug you. 

Hopefully you'll get some justice, but you should try to understand and empathise with your parents. Understand why they are the way they are. There must be a reason! Try not to hate them. Give it some time.


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## igloo123 (Jun 29, 2010)

You're 23. Move out. Start saving like crazy. Get your brother to live with you.


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## AllintheMind11 (Jul 7, 2010)

Speak the truth, even if your voice shakes.

The truth hurts, but it's one of the best things in life you can use.


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## PulpFictionFan (Jul 12, 2010)

Gracie said:


> I've been asked to meet up with my parents and their therapist this week, on Tuesday.
> 
> I reported my parents to social services in February of this year, and again earlier this month, for hitting my little brother, who's 14. I have a very complicated relationship with them both, especially my mother, and my feelings about the whole scenario are similarly complicated. It probably doesn't help that I am INFJ, so I approach the whole situation with a combination of intense sensitivity to both my brother's pain and my parents' criticism, and a tendency to over- and psychoanalyse everything.
> 
> ...


Tell the psychiatrist the truth, at that point, the results can be less than satisfactory either way u choose 2 act. For extra protection and self security, pack some heat with u, that or a deadly looking knife. If u try 2 support ur parents, it'd be like letting an abuser off the hook. I'd say keep close to ur brother, look out for his well-being, help him however u can, nurture ur relationship with him but with ur parents... they can't keep going on with what they're doing, it has to stop. other than that, there's not much else 2 do except use ur own judgment 2 seek and carry out the best course of action. I really hope u can find a way out of this mess, I really do... 

'Sigh' Why must parents put their children through their children through such horrors? And then they can end up forcing their children to tie up the loose ends and solve the big family problems, "so much trouble in the world, so much trouble in the world...".


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