# Istp/infj relationship question



## Psyche81 (Jan 1, 2019)

Hey, i have à question for istps out there. I'm an infj in a 4 year relationship with an istp. He loves me, but has been unfaithful multiple times. He has come clean, and I have honestly forgiven him, but of course, I have trust issues now. We live in France, and he has announced to me that he would like to spend 2weeks in Brazil this summer. He would spend time with a friend of his and 2 other girls, one whome he crushed on last year (yes, he met her last year on another trip abroad). I'm barely recovering from all this, but at the same time, I' m trying to act like a reasonable adult. However, I must admit that the perspective is extremely triggering. I know these 2 weeks are going to be pure hell for me, anxiety wise. Should I ask him not to go? Would you istps find this unreasonable?


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## BenevolentBitterBleeding (Mar 16, 2015)

No you shouldn't ask them not to go. I think it's said that ISTP especially value things like their independence and ability to be free; to do as they please.

4 years is quite a long time, and this is easier said than done, but you probably _should_ reevaluate what it is _you_ find of value in general of relationships, and if this person you're with doesn't value the same things, perhaps you shouldn't be with them.

It's one thing if someone 'loves' you, and the two of you have an agreement of being in an open relationship vs. somebody that 'loves' you, yet continues to disrespect your values _knowingly_ that it will hurt you. That's not love yo. That's them taking advantage of a doormat because what else are you going to do with one?


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## Zeri (Jan 23, 2018)

Err...wow, yes, I think that situation (him going on a 2 week vacation in Brazil, rooming with an ex-flame) is extremely triggering. I can understand your anxiety about it. That situation could present opportunities for cheating, to be sure...and considering his behaviour in the past.... I wouldn't put it past him. Can the trip not be scheduled at a time when you can also go along? 

Istps do value their independence, and he may resent you for not wanting him to go -but at the same time, I think it's reasonable for you to have doubts, considering his past. You said he's cheated MULTIPLE times. Does he really feel remorseful about cheating? Or does he think if it happens again you'll just forgive him? Sometimes istps need people to be firm and 'cut and dry' with them when it comes to accepting/not accepting their bad behaviour. (My husband is istp).I wonder if by forgiving him so many times you've inadvertently sent a message that you'll be there ...regardless of what he does? Just wondering. 

I agree with the previous poster that if you can't trust him to be faithful, that maybe you should re-evaluate things...


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## Tomie (Jul 29, 2018)

Psyche81 said:


> I'm barely recovering from all this, but at the same time, I' m trying to act like a reasonable adult.


He's not acting like a reasonable adult by putting you through this. Personal freedom is important for us but it's also important to make sacrifices sometimes for your partner's sake. He should understand that he damaged your trust in the past by cheating, and he should be working to prove to you that he's faithful now. 

I would not want my partner to go on a trip with another woman if I wasn't there. Anyone would be apprehensive in this situation. Your feelings are completely justified (especially with the decisions he's made in the past) and he shouldn't be going on this trip considering 1) it's putting you through a lot of stress and 2) he knows he's inclined to be unfaithful. I don't know the whole story but you're obviously making an effort to be considerate of his feelings, and if he isn't willing to return that effort, or blows you off if you ask him not to go, then you deserve better. That isn't to say he will be unfaithful if he goes on this trip, but the act of going itself shows a lack of maturity and conscientiousness on his part.


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## G.13 (Feb 12, 2018)

tulpa said:


> I would not want my partner to go on a trip with other women if I wasn't there. *Anyone would be apprehensive in this situation*.



False.

My father was ISTP and he was traveling for his work sometimes several times in a year. My mother ESTJ. Never just one problem on that side.


I often saw my father watching women and say they were pretty . My mother did not think it was abnormal. It's also a question of maturity, age. (or the power of ESTJ lol)


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## Tomie (Jul 29, 2018)

G.13 said:


> False.
> 
> My father was ISTP and he was traveling for his work sometimes several times in a year. My mother ESTJ. Never just one problem on that side.
> 
> ...


There's a difference between traveling for work and going on vacation to Brazil with a former crush, probably partying. He should at least invite her so she isn't staying at home worrying for 2 weeks.


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## G.13 (Feb 12, 2018)

Mmmm... Agree.


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## INFJ_here (Jul 12, 2021)

Hello, I attempted to find a thread that still has ISTPs...who will actually answer lol I have been in a relationship with an ISTP for 5.5 years. We have been living together for 2 years, some back story. We went to high school together and were friends, before starting to date 2 years after high school. It was a very slow burn for awhile, he waited a year to say he loved me. He even was in denial that we were dating for the first year and a half, although we were exclusive the whole time. He enjoys being alone, our relationship just happened. But! he has said for a few years now that he loves me, he wants to be with me forever and he can see a future that he really wants with me. We now are struggling with priorities; he doesn't understand how he can't have all of his priorities be equal. He 6/10 shows up and follows through with plans. He is ALWAYS apologetic and easy to communicate with though. He takes criticism well, and says he will do everything he can to meet my needs; I want/need (if I don't I don't feel connected, connection is HUGE to us INFJs) to see him most evenings during the week. But I have consistently seen him once a week for a year now. Do your words usually line up with your actions? He has a difficult time choosing our relationship over (not bailing on plans) his families obligations. He tells me our time together is a "want" and he feels like his work and family obligations are "have tos". He has always had a difficult time making his wants/ideals a reality. Ultimately I am looking for advice on how to explain what a stable, equal, healthy and fulfilling relationship looks like in a way he will understand. 


Thanks in advance...


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## dchaox (May 8, 2021)

Psyche81 said:


> Hey, i have à question for istps out there. I'm an infj in a 4 year relationship with an istp. He loves me, but has been unfaithful multiple times. He has come clean, and I have honestly forgiven him, but of course, I have trust issues now. We live in France, and he has announced to me that he would like to spend 2weeks in Brazil this summer. He would spend time with a friend of his and 2 other girls, one whome he crushed on last year (yes, he met her last year on another trip abroad). I'm barely recovering from all this, but at the same time, I' m trying to act like a reasonable adult. However, I must admit that the perspective is extremely triggering. I know these 2 weeks are going to be pure hell for me, anxiety wise. Should I ask him not to go? Would you istps find this unreasonable?


It's reasonable why you would have anxieties about him going considering he's been unfaithful. ISTPs do prefer independence and want to do whatever they want without being controlled. Personally, I think it's a reasonable adult thing to discuss this openly because you don't want to be the only one unsatisfied in the relationship. If you remain logical and fair with your reasons, he most likely will hear you out. As an ISTP I prefer people remain calm and logical without getting too emotional, and I will actually consider your side of the situation. If he is like nah Im gonna do what I please, then maybe it's good to consider whether this relationship is worthwhile.


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