# My boyfriend is angry at me because I don't equate sex with love.



## Tristan427 (Dec 9, 2011)

marked174 said:


> No. no. The extremist positions should come from the giver of advice, not the receiver. By adopting an extremist position, it provides a framework and context for workable solutions while it simultaneously creates an implicit call to action that the receiver thinks is their own. People are seldom convinced to take the reasonable approach explicitly, especially when they remain indecisive within a neutral context, like the OP was. Rather, by presenting a extremist position (oftentimes coupled with strong language) the receiver is forced to react (usually defensively). This reaction often leads to action towards the original problem, and can get someone out of the "What do I do" phase.


Makes sense. Well done.


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## marked174 (Feb 24, 2010)

Tristan427 said:


> Makes sense. Well done.


I used a similar technique in this thread: http://personalitycafe.com/isfp-forum-artists/31609-am-i-right.html


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## sisnerozt (Mar 11, 2013)

have you thought about what unconditional love means? Not only that its like he is holding a brick over your head about to drop it. And knowing that emotionally hurts. metaphorically speaking...I made some mistakes at one time. I was in a relationship and was separated from my x ... got back with someone I absolutely loved...we broke up and then I got back with my x again. He could not let this go. He ended up divorcing me even though he supposedly forgave me...smh...sometimes a man cannot fathom his woman which he at times considers his property to have been in another relationship. True I made a mistake,,,my story is different...my x was abusive and I was searching for love at the time because of that. My concern for you is what if you make other mistakes in your relationship, maybe not sexual...is he going to held those bricks over your head too? Just something that crossed my mind. Of course this is your dilemma and YOU NEED TO COMMUNICATE..ask him point blank, perhaps if this is going to affect your future together. Do I make any sense?


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## Bricolage (Jul 29, 2012)

I wouldn't apologize. You can have love without sex and vice versa. He might not like hearing that but what would such a virgin know anyway? @TheOwl


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## Brian1 (May 7, 2011)

From the post I read,I'm another T, it sounds like he's mad he's not the guy that fucked the virgin pure girl. And that's a big thing to get over, especially if he thinks you now immoral. That just has some sort of fantasy relationship wrapped around it. I would break up with him at some point, if he has a hard time killing his fantasy. Certain things I agree with OP, that you shouldn't have to regret decisions made in the past.


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## TheOwl (Nov 3, 2010)

I wonder if his views about virginity will change at all once we have sex.
One of the reasons we haven't had sex is because he's always waiting for the "perfect" time. Obviously, he has a very romantic view of losing one's virginity. Maybe he won't see the first time as being that different from all the other times once we have sex several times (not that I'm going to try to persuade him to have sex with me for my own peace-of-mind. I'm just wondering), or maybe he will.


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## Crystall (Mar 30, 2010)

It's not about you dear. It's about him being insecure and therefore jealous and controlling. Big red warning signs here. Your boyfriend should never make you feel bad or embarrassed about sensitive issues like that. He sounds like a douchebag to me.


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## Persephone (Nov 14, 2009)

TheOwl said:


> I wonder if his views about virginity will change at all once we have sex.
> One of the reasons we haven't had sex is because he's always waiting for the "perfect" time. Obviously, he has a very romantic view of losing one's virginity. Maybe he won't see the first time as being that different from all the other times once we have sex several times (not that I'm going to try to persuade him to have sex with me for my own peace-of-mind. I'm just wondering), or maybe he will.


Oh dear, more people overprioritizing sex. I dare say he'll realize it's not THE END OF THE WORLD GAME CHANGER kind of important. More like "that was pretty cool".


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## Chipps (Jun 1, 2011)

So what you're saying is "My bf has a strong belief that I dont agree with or practice" is that is?


Its never going to work.


Everyone can cut with the silly ass overly progressive "he's immature" blah blah fucking blah. hes entitled to to feel exactly how wants regardless of who disagrees. 


Like I said, it aint gonna work. Why so many people try to force fundamental differences in beliefs into a relationship I'd never understand. Thing is, for me, I don't respect a person (as my partner) unless we agree on certain things. Otherwise, its next. Let's be friends, but surely you're not someone I'd stand with as my equal. 


Move along, there are always more fish in the sea and life to be lived.


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## Chipps (Jun 1, 2011)

Tristan427 said:


> Breaking up after the first argument? That is a perfectly rational response. ( sarcasm )
> 
> @OP: Ignore the moralists. Morality is all grey. No such thing as universal morality.
> 
> Also, chances are he is using "morality" as a smokescreen for his insecurities.



Or hes using his morality as a basis for how he defines himself as a person. (sarcasm)


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## Tristan427 (Dec 9, 2011)

Chipps said:


> Or hes using his morality as a basis for how he defines himself as a person. (sarcasm)


When morals go against reason, or are just plain stupid, then it's time to ditch them.

Also, dumping someone because they have different beliefs than you is ridiculous if it's a minor one, no matter how strong. If you want to be with someone just like you, prepare for a boring relationship.


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## series0 (Feb 18, 2013)

TheOwl said:


> I'll try to make this brief because the argument we've been having has not been.
> 
> Basically, I lost my virginity to someone I wasn't in love with. We were close friends, and I cared about him, but I wasn't in love with him, and I knew he wasn't in love with me. It wasn't a big deal to me.
> 
> ...


This issue can be confusing. The act of sex is risky in a number of ways physically and psychologically. As a result of that risk and how it plays out, I am tempted to suggest that people do not engage in sex unless love is present. However, that being said, I have done so often enough myself. For me luckily (I guess) there has only be psychological fallout and nothing physical (medical). 

Your boyfriend is being entirely unfair. My advice is to tell him that. You are not perfect and neither is he. His accusation and judgement based on past actions you took at a very young age tend to make me think he is a perfectionist, a dreamer. And yes, he is also probably being jealous, which is also unfair. Dreamer types often get stuck on the past or the future as opposed to the here and now. Their ideals are almost impossible to live up to or to realize in the future and until they mature and stop living in the past and the future and focus themselves in the here and now they are a real pain to deal with. 

My enneagram heart number is 4 and I have a ton of 1 tendencies as well. A 4 is a tragic/romantic dreamer artist type and a 1 is a perfectionist so I know wherein I speak. My critical nature and unfair judgements as well as my focus on the future (I don't have a problem with the past except my own) used to drive many people away from me. It's a lonely road being so judgmental. It was also against the grain of my real open nature and so I grew up and stopped distancing people that way.

Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone chooses some immoral paths and has to deal with the consequences. Since your boyfriend was not in the picture at the time the real question is whether or not you recognize the action as an immature one and are taking steps not to repeat such inadvisable behavior. It sounds to me like you have. You also need to forgive yourself and I don't see you having a problem with that. You realize you were just young. You have both regret and resolution going forward and I must say, Good for You! 

If your boyfriend can't get that message and give you credit for realizing your immature behavior in the past then why is that? Are you terse in your communication with him? Are you more reactionary and defensive than explanatory and calm? Your text message here carried little in the way of suggested anger, and more like a woundedness. So I think it's just a shadow of perfectionism and jealousy that he is dealing with in his own character. The fact that he is a virgin makes him feel vindicated in his harsh stance as well. But I offer you this quote from an excellent Bill Murray movie, 'It's easy to be holy man on the side of a mountain'. What it means is that a lot of so-called piety arises from laziness and an unhealthy remove from life's normal trials. Being a virgin has become a weak man's cop out. The awkwardness such a man feels due to his inability or unwillingness to go find sexual release like a normal human animal has pent up rage and anxiety in him that ignites his anger at anyone bold enough to do what he could not and get out there and find out what rutting is all about as yet another perfectly valid life experience. You did that. So he is mad at you because he has not. And he hides behind a mask of piety. It's very avoidant and lame. 

So my recommendation is that you tell him these things in this order:

1) Your past is a vulnerability you share with him not for his judgement, but so he can know you better (you are sharing).
2) When you are vulnerable expressing possible mistakes you made you expect him to be understanding and supportive, not critical.
3) What is done is done and in the past and cannot be changed. If you can make your own peace with your bad decision and at least resolve not to do such things again, then why is that not good enough for him?
4) You might suggest to him that everyone does immoral things and must achieve the maturity to forgive themselves and others.
5) If his bitterness and angst are hurtful you might bring up that he is acting like a holy man on a mountain, judging others for participating and learning and making mistakes in a whole life that he is too afraid or too conflicted to participate in. 

Good luck!


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## TheOwl (Nov 3, 2010)

series0 said:


> 1) Your past is a vulnerability you share with him not for his judgement, but so he can know you better (you are sharing).
> 2) When you are vulnerable expressing possible mistakes you made you expect him to be understanding and supportive, not critical.
> 3) What is done is done and in the past and cannot be changed. If you can make your own peace with your bad decision and at least resolve not to do such things again, then why is that not good enough for him?
> 4) You might suggest to him that everyone does immoral things and must achieve the maturity to forgive themselves and others.
> ...


I've told him the first 4 things, but not the 5th. I don't think I need to because he's no longer angry with me.

I realized that his main issue wasn't with my past but with how calm I seemed about it, which he saw as meaning that I hadn't changed and didn't care. Once I realized that, it was easy to make him feel better by mentioning my regret a lot more.


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## All in Twilight (Oct 12, 2012)

TheOwl said:


> I'll try to make this brief because the argument we've been having has not been.
> 
> Basically, I lost my virginity to someone I wasn't in love with. We were close friends, and I cared about him, but I wasn't in love with him, and I knew he wasn't in love with me. It wasn't a big deal to me.
> 
> ...


Throw away morality and people will do the right thing. When goodness is lost, there is morality.

Love is not pleasure. Sex is however though still the gathering of two forms of energy to create a new form of energy and should not be taken lightly. 

Can someone who is jealous, anxious, possessive and so on know what love is? People mostly fall in love because they get the recognition and affirmation/conformation of who they are and what they stand for blah blah blah through the other. It is a very ego-ic form of love, is based on insecurity (he is looking for security) and is never lasting.


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## Portal (Jan 3, 2012)

TheOwl said:


> I'll try to make this brief because the argument we've been having has not been.
> 
> Basically, I lost my virginity to someone I wasn't in love with. We were close friends, and I cared about him, but I wasn't in love with him, and I knew he wasn't in love with me. It wasn't a big deal to me.
> 
> ...


I think he was upset he wasn't the first for you. No matter what guys are human too and they're not that much different from females. 
I think you should just be calm and cool about this, since 2 angry people will just lead to unresolvable madness. Try to be reasonable with him? I know he's a bit unreasonable but maybe sit down with him in a cool nice place and explain why you did what you did, and how much you love him. 

I'm not sure if you told him why you did it, but maybe he's angry because he's not the first to take it. He could also be angry because he thought you were shallow to just give it away randomly. I'm sure you have your reasons so try to explain to him calmly.

P.S: If he continues to be irrational after you explained then I guess give him an ultimatum. Just state that if he doesn't love you and understand then he has the right to break up with you.


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