# Huge anger problem



## Noir (Jun 20, 2014)

Hello everyone and thank you for taking time to help me. As the post says, I am having a huge temper problem, and I don't know where it is coming from or worst yet how to deal with it. I am frequently criticized for my bad temper by my parents, but they do not understand how hard it is for me to control my strong outbreaks.

What scares me is that lately I don't even feel bad for it anymore. I used to feel very guilty, but now I just seem to sink in apathy. 


* *




As a child, I didn't feel the anger at all. I was a really calm and laid-back child. I had some problems, sometimes I got bullied or my father would come drunk a few nights, but it was nothing serious that would make an impact on me. One day I found out my father had a lover, when I was in middle school. I never said a thing, but I was depressed. Thinking back, it's funny how my parents never said anything about that. I eventually got over that and dad broke up with her lover, but ever since then I became gradually angrier.

Now don't get me wrong, I have great parents, even though they have their flaws. I include my dad here as well. Still, I often criticize them, and not in a "you won't let me do drugs, you're stupid, I can't stand you" kind of way. I criticize them for their behavior, such as mom being insensitive towards dad and dad leaving mom behind. I also get angry for the most insignificant things, such as dad falling asleep in front of the TV, or mom not going to the dentist. I yell at them because 1.dad could start a fire if he falls asleep with his cigar and 2.mom's condition could get bad because of an irrational fear. I use harsh words in order to convince them, but I feel that if I don't put pressure on them to do the right thing, who will?

I also get very angry whenever I see injustices, like real angry. However, not all of my anger is justified. Sometimes I get angry all of a sudden, once I wanted to beat a guy because he was dressed like a complete moron (of course, I didn't do that and I didn't utter a single word). 

I tried channeling my anger in sports, allegedly ITF taekwon-do and recently Kick-Boxing. It worked for a while, but now that I became a decent fighter, I get very angry with my mistakes and I cannot stand losing anymore. 

I am very puzzled by this, particularly because everything seems to be going well for me. I have great friends, I was just admitted into law-school (and into a free place) and my sports is going well too, in fact I am going to participate in the Europe Cup. I never had a girlfriend, mainly because I am absolutely clueless when it comes to dating, but aside from that I am quite social and friendly (for an introvert). I feel as if one day I could go insane from this. I really want to become cool-headed and be able to chill.




Any advice?


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## Sharpnel (Aug 3, 2014)

I also suffer from these anger outbreaks. It seems to me that the smallest of "wrongdoings" (feeling like people are crossing me due to my high standards) are powerful enough to ignite rage. It's still a work in progress, but for me it's an issue of lowering the standards I have on people. You could try listening to relaxing music or doing mindless mundane tasks to take your mind out of the problems that linger in your mind. Maybe go to your happy place whenever you're confronted with an overwhelming situation. Usually walking away works for me. I say "I am on the edge, let's talk later", the hardest part is recognizing you're getting worked up.

I get overwhelmed because I'm always on edge (doing a thousand things at a time for a deadline, I'm too strict, I need things to be done in a certain way, people often get in the way of my goals because they don't understand what I expect from them, etc, etc). Internalizing your anger will only lead to a more catastrophic surge, so, I think your focus on sports was a good thing. I don't like losing either, but it's due to, once again, perfectionism. Just relax. 

Maybe let your frustration out in another way of expression, like recreational activities. I'm an artist, so I make balloons out of the people that made me angry and pop them, or rage-paint. :laughing:


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## Chest (Apr 14, 2014)

HGM said:


> Hello everyone and thank you for taking time to help me. As the post says, I am having a huge temper problem, and I don't know where it is coming from or worst yet how to deal with it. I am frequently criticized for my bad temper by my parents, but they do not understand how hard it is for me to control my strong outbreaks.
> 
> What scares me is that lately I don't even feel bad for it anymore. I used to feel very guilty, but now I just seem to sink in apathy.
> 
> ...


I used to be like that until I was 19 or so (still am but it's a lot better now). In my case it was both pride (don't know how to lose) and need for perfection (if things aren't perfect I get angry). The problem with need for perfection is that I keep trying to control things that cannot be controlled 'cause they're outside of me, things like the weather, other people's behaviour, etc.

So my advice will be more do as I say not as I do: try to observe more when the anger is about to come up. 

The pride thing is the worst for me 'cause led me to think my anger can beat anything. Unfortunately I had to learn the hard way: last year I tried to beat up a guy who was twice my size at the subway, he sucker punched me (or kicked I don't know) in the temple muscle, I got a tmj disorder and couldn't open my mouth fully for 10 months.


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## Noir (Jun 20, 2014)

> So my advice will be more do as I say not as I do: try to observe more when the anger is about to come up.


It comes out completely random. I've tried to see a pattern to it, but I cannot. I also fail miserably at controlling it, it's much easier said than done. 



> he sucker punched me (or kicked I don't know) in the temple muscle, I got a tmj disorder and couldn't open my mouth fully for 10 months.


Sorry to hear that. I also know how bad it can be when your jaw hurts. At my first competition I took a tornado in the head. Couldn't eat properly a few days.



> I used to be like that until I was 19 or so (still am but it's a lot better now). In my case it was both pride (don't know how to lose) and need for perfection (if things aren't perfect I get angry). The problem with need for perfection is that I keep trying to control things that cannot be controlled 'cause they're outside of me, things like the weather, other people's behaviour, etc.


I can also relate to that. It's just that, in my case, they are things I could apparently control (my parents going to the doctor, my friends doing something etc.)


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## niss (Apr 25, 2010)

HGM said:


> Any advice?


Counseling. That anger is coming from somewhere and I'd suggest an objective third party to help you figure it out.

This is important.


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## Noir (Jun 20, 2014)

niss said:


> Counseling. That anger is coming from somewhere and I'd suggest an objective third party to help you figure it out.
> 
> This is important.


That is not really an option, but I'll take the good part of your post and think that I should understand where the anger is coming from.


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## bluekitdon (Dec 19, 2012)

@HGM Anger is not something that you can every fully expect to get rid of. It is often also a cover for other underlying issues, and only manifests itself as anger as you have no better way of dealing with the situation or your expectations are not met. The main thing you can control is your actions when you get angry, and also once you identify your trigger points you can work to reduce the situations you put yourself into that trigger these reactions. Take a breath, step back, and try to cool down before saying or doing something you will regret.

This is a good article.
Dr. Phil.com - Advice - Escaping the Anger Prison

In your case with your parents, it sounds like you have a bit of a fear of a loved one getting hurt or being lost to you due to some actions that you deem unwise. Your comments about putting pressure on them because if you don't do it then who will leads me to the conclusion that you are getting some sort of reward for your anger. By becoming angry you are intentionally or unintentionally trying to get someone else to change their behavior to get your way. 

My question to you would be that when those trigger points come up, how could you more properly respond to the situation? 

My suggestion would be to maybe try instead of erupting in anger simply expressing your feelings...dad, I know you've done it for years but it really bothers me every time I see you with a lit cigar asleep. I worry about you, I don't want anything to happen to you, etc.

My experience with people is that encouraging them when you see them doing something right is much more effective than whacking them on the nose every time you see them doing something wrong. If you keep getting angry around people they will eventually start avoiding you, and your anger towards their actions will increase which will drive them further away which gets you into an anger loop. If you instead focus on the positive things they are doing they will be happy to come around you and might even change eventually (just bear in mind that the only person you can effectively change is you so don't be too hard on them if they don't bend to your will). 

If you need to address a specific item, try putting it in I terms instead of you terms (IE you always sleep with your cigar, you're an idiot vs it really bothers me when I see you sleeping with your cigar, I love you and don't want anything to happen to you, it would really mean a lot to me if you would try to put that out when you feel yourself getting sleepy).


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## Noir (Jun 20, 2014)

@bluekitdon Dead link...


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## bluekitdon (Dec 19, 2012)

HGM said:


> @_bluekitdon_ Dead link...


Odd, I can click on it and get to it. Trying again.

http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/224


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## Noir (Jun 20, 2014)

bluekitdon said:


> Odd, I can click on it and get to it. Trying again.
> 
> Dr. Phil.com - Advice - Escaping the Anger Prison


I still can't. I wonder if Europe is forbidden access?


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## bluekitdon (Dec 19, 2012)

HGM said:


> I still can't. I wonder if Europe is forbidden access?


Could be. Here's the article.
Escaping the Anger Prison 
Do the smallest things set you off? If you're experiencing uncontrollable rage, then in order to stop long term, you've got to get to the root of your anger. 

*Identify the emotion your anger covers.*
Anger is nothing more than a cover for hurt, frustration or fear " or all three. Try talking about what you're really feeling without using the word "anger." Instead, try saying, "I am hurt/frustrated/afraid of ..."


*Identify the true source.*
What is the real source of your anger? Who is the real culprit? Chances are, it's not the people or situations you are lashing out at.


*Identify the unfulfilled need.*
If you are experiencing uncontrollable rage, you have unfulfilled needs that should be addressed. Maybe you need to forgive yourself for the way you've behaved while angry. Perhaps you need to forgive others for their actions. Whatever the case, you need to _know_ what your needs are before you can fill them. 


*Identify the constructive alternative action.*
Instead of raging against people, figure out what you can do that is constructive. If you need to resolve an issue with a person you are really angry with, the constructive alternative behavior would be to resolve it. If you need to forgive yourself or someone else, the constructive action would be to forgive.


*Take specific action.*
Once you have identified your constructive alternative action, it's important that you take that specific action, as uncomfortable as it may be, and move on. Claim your right to resolve the source of your anger and reclaim your life.


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## Razare (Apr 21, 2009)

HGM said:


> I tried channeling my anger in sports, allegedly ITF taekwon-do and recently Kick-Boxing. It worked for a while, but now that I became a decent fighter, I get very angry with my mistakes and I cannot stand losing anymore.


This concept of channeling anger has been disproven psychologically speaking very recently. It makes sense why it was disproven to. If you practice something, such as anger, you're just going to get angry again.

When I was a child we were taught to punch our pillows if we get angry, but that's not actually a good solution for the reasons I just stated.

As for sports, that can help relax a person by venting excess energy, but it doesn't necessarily help anger.

The solution to beat anger is to resist it.

It's a temptation like any other temptation.

I had an anger problem since childhood. Something wouldn't go my way, and I would get red faced and grunt, holding my breath. My anger problem lasted all the way up into my early twenties. Toward the end of it, I would shout at the top of my lungs at people.

Then I did something with my anger and that was it, I died to anger.

What it feels like to resist anger is you still get angry, except you make a conscious decision not to move. You can't speak either when you get this way. Just don't move, and don't speak. If you can leave the situation, that is a good move.

The last few times I got angry, I would end up shaking.

It makes you feel like an idiot too because you are shaking from rage and you didn't do anything about it. You have to get over the fact you feel like a wimp for not pouring out your rage on someone, and now you're shaking.

I've had mild instances of anger since then, but it's nothing like it used to be.

Sucks now, though, because the doctors put me on some medications, and if I go off them the withdrawal induces anger.


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## Flowerpot92 (Oct 15, 2013)

Get help, quick. Do not brush it off by rationalizing it and say "their incompetence and lack of dignity sets me off". I think I have completely stopped loving and respecting my father for the verbal and physical abuse he put both me and my brother through growing up. He had deep anger issues that came from his resentment for his unskilled boss. It would be unfair to say that, apart from his deep anger issues, he was a wreck: he's a counterphobic type 6 ENTJ, very hard-working, skilled, knowledgeable, dependable, etc. But I am done with the household violence. I am done with the deep rooted anger, I am done forgiving someone who took great physical care of me everytime I got sick. I can't compartmentalize things anymore.

Please, by the looks of it, you mustn't be older than 21, you still have enough time to take care of this. I wish you luck.


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## ForestPaix (Aug 30, 2014)

I get really angry over the littlest things, such as when someone starts saying something, I keep waiting for them to finish the sentence, and they don't. Or I finish the sentence for them, they pause for ages, then repeat what I JUST said. I have a lot of crap going on in my family, but I deal with it usually by locking down my emotions, detaching myself from the situation and just staying in my room, it is selfish, but it's my way of coping. If I let my emotions go, I have a terrible anger towards my dad, most of the family hates him.
Trying something relaxing like painting, and listen to relaxing music, that helps me. I'm waaay more calm these days.


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## Noir (Jun 20, 2014)

Flowerpot92 said:


> Get help, quick. Do not brush it off by rationalizing it and say "their incompetence and lack of dignity sets me off". I think I have completely stopped loving and respecting my father for the verbal and physical abuse he put both me and my brother through growing up. He had deep anger issues that came from his resentment for his unskilled boss. It would be unfair to say that, apart from his deep anger issues, he was a wreck: he's a counterphobic type 6 ENTJ, very hard-working, skilled, knowledgeable, dependable, etc. But I am done with the household violence. I am done with the deep rooted anger, I am done forgiving someone who took great physical care of me everytime I got sick. I can't compartmentalize things anymore.
> 
> Please, by the looks of it, you mustn't be older than 21, you still have enough time to take care of this. I wish you luck.


I am sorry for you, but I think I am going to be okay. I am usually ok outside family xD


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## 66393 (Oct 17, 2013)

HGM said:


> Hello everyone and thank you for taking time to help me. As the post says, I am having a huge temper problem, and I don't know where it is coming from or worst yet how to deal with it. I am frequently criticized for my bad temper by my parents, but they do not understand how hard it is for me to control my strong outbreaks.
> 
> *What scares me is that lately I don't even feel bad for it anymore. I used to feel very guilty,* but now I just seem to sink in apathy.
> 
> ...


I think you still feel guilty. If you felt no remorse, then you wouldn't be scared of having no remorse. I think you have unconscious guilt. Why else would you make this thread that seeks to fix the problem? Good luck! I have no further advice to give that wouldn't be redundant. I just hoped to give you a positive perspective boost!


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## Redifining Cool (Aug 22, 2014)

Try Reading - The Anger Trap: Free Yourself from the Frustrations that Sabotage Your Life
Or if you can't find that, books on anger, your library probably has some.


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## Lord Bullingdon (Aug 9, 2014)

So, if it doesn't sound facetious to ask (I don't mean it like this), I'm wondering what the huge problem exactly is. 

It sounds like, based on your words, you get angry with your parents easily, and they criticize you over it, correct? Also, that you are prone to frustration, and you get pissed off when you see the abusive shit people do to each other. But, it sounds like you generally restrain it as well.

If that is the case, I can tell you I relate; I had a similar experience with my own family (it eventually got me kicked out of the household). But actually, in retrospect, the problem was with them. They were so repressed they couldn't handle normal emotional fluctuations, especially anger. I was made out to be criminally insane, when in fact I was just a teenager with normal amounts of normal frustration toward the highly abnormal world.

As an adult, all I can say is there is some awfully fucked up stuff out there, and if you don't get angry about it, you don't have a soul (...and most people don't get angry). Then more injustices happen. I have dealt with so much anger, it's almost unreal. (not ready to elaborate on this here, PM if you need details)

you might consider that this anger is just a natural part of who you are. Like I said, thank God. When you get mega-angry at injustices, that means you care. While everyone else is minimizing it, you're ready to do something about it. You're not creating problems in larger society (wanting to beat someone for looking like a moron is not the same as actually beating someone for looking like a moron. I can't tell you how many morons I want to blast away every single day, myself, and I still haven't blown up buildings yet). If you get angry at your own mistakes, that can motivate you to work harder.

Have you looked at enneagram yet? I like it, because it actually teaches that some people are inherently based in anger and that it's a normal part of some people's process. You may wish to check that out, too. It may provide some reassurance; you might never be cool headed (at least i haven't grown to that stage and I've probably got a decade or two on you), but you may acquire an appreciation for why you are the way you are.


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