# My Mum passed away on Tuesday. I need advice.



## SarcasticBlack (Mar 9, 2011)

This is kind of lengthy, but I would really like some advice. I apologise for the "novel," but hey, I'm a novelist. 

For the past 24 years, my Mum had been incredibly sick with lupus and rheumatoid arthritis, along with a myriad of other health problems. For the past 13-14 years, she had been completely bedridden. She would cry to the point of screaming that she couldn't go have a normal life and attend family events. Other times, she showed such incredible strength and a positive attitude. She was a very strong woman and used her time in life to improve her spirituality (gnostic). She was amazing. She was a fantastic mother. She may not have been able to attend my civic theatre plays or school choirs or orchestra, but she was there if I wanted to hang out or talk or show her silly drawings I did or read my stories. She was always there for advice. No matter how bad she felt, she never let her disease affect my childhood. She and I were more bonded than most mothers and daughters and we have a very strong connection.

For the past six months or so, she had been in a rehab centre preparing for heart surgery. Her mitral valve was regurgitating. Yet, they found they couldn't do the surgery because she had a fungal infection in her heart and sepsis (blood poisoning). So, she went into the hospital for antibiotic therapy, but weeks of that didn't even help at all. Eventually, she was put on a respirator to help her breathe and in a drug-induced coma for about a week. The doctor said that it would be about eight months' worth of antibiotics before they could even attempt to do the heart surgery. Even then, she would only have a 25% chance of survival. With that, Dad and I decided to remove all life support and let her pass naturally. They gave her high doses of morphine for comfort and Ativan for relaxation. She wasn't aware of anything.

After about 4 hours, her body finally shut down. I was holding her hand and Dad was kissing her forehead when she drew her final breath. It was very easy (at least it seemed that way for us, who knows, it might have been harsh for her) when she passed and quickly. Of course, I began wailing in the hospital room. The chaplain came over and put his arms around me, but my cousins, aunts and uncles soon took over. We all cried together. Relatives I didn't even know I had were there comforting me. Normally, I'm not a touchy-feely person, but I wanted someone, anyone, to hug me. Even the nurses were hugging me and crying a bit. They loved my Mum, too, after they got to know her.

It's been a couple of days and I am no longer crying. I cried only at the hospital. As soon as I got home, with the help of a few narcotic pain killers and xanax, I calmed down and got some rest. I feel surprisingly okay. I feel happy when I watch something silly on television. I feel that I can go out and do anything I feel like doing. I honestly do not feel too sad. I miss my Mum terribly right now, but she gave me the gift of her own spirituality and views on death. She's not even gone. I can hear her babbling on to me whenever I talk to her. I feel her presence all around me. She's just on a really long, very brilliant vacation right now and I'll come visit her soon. I even worked on one of seven of my novels last night. 

I feel I shouldn't be this okay, though. I feel that it's like I'm dishonouring her or something. I want to be crying incessantly. I want her to know how much I loved her, even though I know she knows what is in my heart. Is it okay that I feel this calm? I'm SO happy for her that she is no longer in pain. I am SO happy for her that she is with her Daddy and dog and sister again. She's lucky, I know she is. She has her beautiful form back and now it is even more glorious than she could ever imagine. She is at peace and free. How couldn't I be happy about that?

Yet, for me, I feel that I should grieve. I don't necessarily feel numb, but maybe I am. I feel an ache in my heart because her physical being is no longer here, but her spirit is. Maybe that is what is helping me. I talk to her all the time. I even asked her to help me write my novel last night and went over parts of it that were troubling me. Quickly, I had fresh ideas to help. She was a brilliant writer, herself. 

Am I doing everything right? Everyone grieves differently, but I don't feel like I am grieving at all. I loved her more than anyone. She is my role-model and hero. So why aren't I crying and feeling all those pains of loss and hurt? I feel I should be.


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## yesiknowbut (Oct 25, 2009)

Sarcastic, I am so sorry for your loss. She sounds like she was an awesome mother.

You know, everybody does bereavement differently, but it is quite common to worry that you don't feel you are grieving enough: I've heard lots of people say that. Some emotional blunting always seems to happen: a psychological survival thing, I think. But the fact that you feel it is somehow not right that your life continues and you haven't fallen apart is a mark of your grief, paradoxical as that might seem.

It isn't over, and in the months and years to come you will most certainly at times feel every last ounce of your loss. But while you can and while your mother's recent presence in your life still gives you the strength to be together, celebrate her.

A non-religious "peace be with you".

Alf xx


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## SarcasticBlack (Mar 9, 2011)

Thank you, Alf. I never realised that the fact that I don't think my life should continue is a sign of grief. That is very wise of you and thank you for the clarity.


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## infjmom (Apr 2, 2011)

I don't think we believe the same things, so I can't speak about how you should feel, or grieve, but I did want to respond to your post.
I'm very sorry for your loss, and thank you for sharing it with us. I wasn't going to read your post, when I saw how long it was, but I'm glad I did, it was well written. I'm glad you are having a time of calm, peacefullness, it sounded like a very difficult ordeal, over a very long period of time. I love that your dad kissed your mum's forhead, and your family was their to hug you (it's kind of a rare thing now days). God bless.


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## SarcasticBlack (Mar 9, 2011)

INFJMom, 

Thank you so much for your kind words.


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## kindaconfused (Apr 30, 2010)

SarcasticBlack said:


> So why aren't I crying and feeling all those pains of loss and hurt? I feel I should be.


Because a burden has been lifted from you. Having a mother who was sick for most of your life is harder on you than you would think. You will grieve in your own way. You will have moments when you are reminded of her and it will hurt a little, but it will also make you smile.
Smile and laugh and live your life. There is no universally accepted process for grieving.


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## Wheelie (Apr 2, 2010)

SarcasticBlack, I'm very sorry to read of your loss. The part where she passed away drew tears to my eyes. Grief is different for everyone, how they do it, the stages they do it, the intensity they do it and the cycle they do it. Life alfreda said, I also believe that this isn't over for you, and I don't think it should ever be considered to be "over". Your life now is completely different to then before, and perhaps you feel guilty about not showing enough remorse at the time being, it may come back again and again. But for now, I think that it is perfectly natural to feel what you feel now.

I wish you the best


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## Konan (Apr 20, 2011)

SarcasticBlack said:


> This is kind of lengthy, but I would really like some advice. I apologise for the "novel," but hey, I'm a novelist.
> 
> For the past 24 years, my Mum had been incredibly sick with lupus and rheumatoid arthritis, along with a myriad of other health problems. For the past 13-14 years, she had been completely bedridden. She would cry to the point of screaming that she couldn't go have a normal life and attend family events. Other times, she showed such incredible strength and a positive attitude. She was a very strong woman and used her time in life to improve her spirituality (gnostic). She was amazing. She was a fantastic mother. She may not have been able to attend my civic theatre plays or school choirs or orchestra, but she was there if I wanted to hang out or talk or show her silly drawings I did or read my stories. She was always there for advice. No matter how bad she felt, she never let her disease affect my childhood. She and I were more bonded than most mothers and daughters and we have a very strong connection.
> 
> ...


I don't believe there is anything wrong with you. You're a very strong individual to not cry. To not cry or grieve doesn't mean you don't care I believe it means that you have come in peace with yourself and accepted the fact that she is gone and in a better place. You not greiving is a sign of how much you care for her. You will always love and remember her and that is enough I am sure. You don't need to grieve over it for a long period of time. I admit that I am surprised that you are doing this so quickly (within a matter of days) but I think it just shows how strong of a person you are. I wish the best for you.


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## tnredhead (Apr 5, 2011)

@SarcasticBlack

You are right, everyone grieves differently. There are no wrong ways to grieve, though there are unhealthy ones. 

*"Almost every thought, feeling and behavior is normal… *Being depressed, quick-to-anger, weird in your humor, or wildly happy at odd times are all fairly common. As long as your behavior is not self-destructive or illegal, you’re probably pretty normal." (From the Josh Rojas Foundation website).



> I feel I shouldn't be this okay, though. I feel that it's like I'm dishonouring her or something....


I don't think you could honor your mother more than by cherishing your memories of her, feeling relief at the end of her suffering, and carrying on with your life (these are the things that it sounds like you are doing as you grieve for your mother).



> Am I doing everything right? Everyone grieves differently, but I don't feel like I am grieving at all. I loved her more than anyone. She is my role-model and hero. So why aren't I crying and feeling all those pains of loss and hurt? I feel I should be.


Not becoming a total basket case at your mom's passing is in no way disrespecting her memory. If becoming a total basket case is how you grieve, then fine. But you should not feel guilty or "wrong" for not grieving a certain way. I hope that makes sense.

I know many places have grief and loss support groups. I don't know if you would be interested in something like that, but I thought I'd just throw it out there for you.


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## Pyroscope (Apr 8, 2010)

I'm so sorry you lost someone that dear to you :sad: The bond you shared would have given her joy throughout everything she endured though, I am utterly sure of that.

There is no wrong way to grieve, when my brother died, everyone in the family reacted a completely different way and we all had to react that way to get through it. You have your own way of reacting and I don't see how anything you have done or felt can be seen as wrong. The emotion that shows through your writing shows that you are not closed up in any way, you are feeling everything naturally and doing credit to the wonderful relationship you shared with her roud:

In short, you don't need any advice because you are dealing with what you have been thrown in the best way you can and you shouldn't feel that anything is wrong with how you feel about it.


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## SarcasticBlack (Mar 9, 2011)

Thank you everyone for your support and wise words.  I feel much better now and have more clarity.


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## bigtex1989 (Feb 7, 2011)

When my grandfather died, I was actually ecstatic. He was bed-ridden for many months before hand, he would always complain about the pain he was in, scream out in the middle of the night, that sort of stuff. I knew that wasn't what he wanted for himself, and I knew that wasn't how he wanted to live. When he finally passed, I was so glad that all of his suffering was over. I cried tears of joy that he could finally be done with all his earthly confines and move to whatever is next out there.

If you really feel like you should grieve more, then by all means. I might suggest holding funeral games for 7 days like they did in ancient Greece. No greater honor could ever be bestowed. There are many ways to grieve that don't involve crying or dwelling, as other people have said. If you really feel like something is wrong, I suggest seeing a psychologist just to talk. I recommend that to everyone actually.


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## Sillia Rosa (Apr 9, 2011)

If you're happy then she's happy. Thats worth more than all the grieving in the world in my opinion. I'm sorry for your loss


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## Mei (Feb 5, 2011)

You have my condolences Sarcasticblack. I am glad that you feel a lot better. 

About your question... you know, we all grieve and mourn in different ways. There is no right or wrong way. I also remember when my own father was diagnosed with prostate cancer a few years ago, and then he eventually passed away. I just remember vividly that when it happened, it affected each member of my family differently. My INTJ was more proactive, and did things the best he knows how. He looked lost too. My ISFJ mother showed a brave face in front of him, and kept her feelings to her own heart, but she cried her hearts out at early hours of the morning cos it plagued her heart ? (That really broke my heart, cos I did not realise the kind of woman my mother was until this point.) My ESTJ brother just kept his head cool and his own business going, but he continuously contacted us in HK for updates. My ISFJ sister was also very concerned, and was very standoffish, but she also eventually went out there in HK and took care of his daily living. Cos the practical doing helps her in knowing she did her best for him too. 

We had a period of emotional trauma when we tried to get him the best possible healthcare we could. I think maybe it is indeed because we experienced the whole thing, that a lot of our own questions were answered through this period. It's one of those situations that you have to deal with in life cos it happened. Yet, I am glad that it had happened the way it did, and that he was able to have time to settle his own affairs before he went. Not many people have this opportunity. So, when my father did eventually pass away, all we felt was relief for him. Relieved that he was not in pain any longer. We gave him the best healthcare we could at that time, because we had to deal with the healthcare bureaucracy at that time. We were able to do a lot of things for him the way he wanted them done. His will, his legacy. He was also able to make peace by talking to many individuals whom he had unresolved issues with.

I just remember that, when my father did pass away, on the day of the funeral, my mother really mourned for him. Cos she cried her guts out on the day. I just remember feeling so close to my mom on each of her cry. We had a Taoist funeral for him, and there were a lot of people who really pay respect for him too. We also had a lot of help in setting a lot of the ritualistic things up as well. It really opened my eyes up to see whom had respect for my father. It also allowed me to see how it affected different people as well ? Then there was a wake and so forth. People were great to our family. As traditional a process as it was, maybe it was meant for us to really have a final say goodbye to our father? That is what happened in the end. Even after this process, I followed the ritualistic element of mourning at home, and not venturing into people's houses for a year? So that, I do not bring them bad luck. 

I think, if you really want to do something for your mother, think about some kind of memorial, or something which can allow your mother to have a lasting memory by ? Will you dedicate a foreword to a book that you are writing ? Will you consider the idea of writing a poem in remembrance ? 

I personally think that it is great that you still have the spiritual connection with your mother. I also wish I had that with my father. I know I did not live with him long enough to allow me to do that. I do however, as my mom suggested, is to keep the lessons taught to me by my father on life's lessons. (To me, it was received in the form of scoldings. *Groans*) I have started to write things down, to remember them and to action them out by. I agree with my mother that, each generation follows another, and it can only get better. Keeping previous generation's lessons alive is how we keep in touch with our heritage, and with our roots. 

You should not feel bad for not grieving like they do in tv movies... but you could use the energy you feel now, to channel it into some writings. They will be your own legacy.


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## SarcasticBlack (Mar 9, 2011)

Thank you everyone. I am feeling much better.


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