# Are you able to have a committed relationship without sex?



## jochris (Jul 18, 2009)

My ENFP best friend is Buddhist, and she made a promise to her mother (based on her religion) to remain a virgin until she has a full-time job and has introduced her boyfriend to her parents. She is nineteen and going into her second year in university in autumn, meaning she has at least two or three more years before a full-time job actually becomes possible.

For the last half a year, she has been seeing an ENTJ (not a virgin). They have pretty much covered everything foreplay will allow, but she is sticking to her promise and is still not having sex with him. He really does like her, and so tries his best to be understanding and compromising, but I can tell it's wearing him out quite a bit. She wants to make this work (NF idealist) and develop it into a committed relationship, but I'm not as optimistic about it.

The question is, *will you be able to commit fully to a sex-less relationship?*


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## Psilo (Apr 29, 2009)

> (Where one or both of the people involved are not planning on abstaining from sex.)


Well, both people would have to agree. Sex is a large part of a relationship, even in absence. 

I believe I could be in a happy loving relationship without sex. I don't see sex and love as intertwined (though, I wouldn't have sex without love). My view on the subject is not a popular one, however.


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## 1057 (Apr 9, 2009)

in this case, if i was with a guy who didn't want to have sex because of his religion, i'd probably end it. i have a huge libido + i'm not religious i don't want a guy who is either. just a personal preference.

so no, i probably couldn't commit to a sexless relationship.


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## jochris (Jul 18, 2009)

Psilo said:


> Well, both people would have to agree. Sex is a large part of a relationship, even in absence.
> 
> I believe I could be in a happy loving relationship without sex. I don't see sex and love as intertwined (though, I wouldn't have sex without love). My view on the subject is not a popular one, however.


See, I'm not sex-crazy, but to me sexual intimacy is a very important part of a relationship. I still value intelligence and connection more, but it's important nonetheless. I would struggle.


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## snail (Oct 13, 2008)

I'm currently in a long-distance, non-sexual, committed relationship with a virgin who is still in college. After he is finished with school, we are hoping to eventually live together, but even then, we still plan to wait until we are certain of a life-long commitment before we have sex. That means I probably have several years to wait. I admit that not even being able to hug him right now is hard, but I have no problem waiting indefinitely for sex. He's totally worth it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mikbert (Jul 19, 2009)

If I'm going to be completely honest, no.

I don't have a huge sex-drive but if I'm going to be in a long-term relationship, I need to have sex.

My ex said that once guys had slept with her, they usually just left her, so we decided to put off sex for a month so we could get to know each other better. To be honest, I think it was a great idea.


I just have certain needs that has to be covered and I want to be fully able to express my love physically, sex is a big part of a relationships and many relationships stand and fall on good/bad sex, or if there is no sex at all.


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## Stars (Jul 23, 2009)

Yes, I'd be able to just fine. I would feel much more deprived if I was in a committed relationship without cuddling, French Kissing, or romantic bonding things like acting in the same play or traveling together or introducing eachother to our friends.


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## snail (Oct 13, 2008)

Yeah, the bonding experiences through shared activities... I want that more than I want sex, too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jochris (Jul 18, 2009)

snail said:


> Yeah, the bonding experiences through shared activities... I want that more than I want sex, too.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


See, the way I see it, sex is part of that. It is part of the intimacy we want from a relationship, physical and emotional.


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## Arioche (Aug 5, 2009)

Err...that was hard, incredibly (stupid sex drive!), but I've gone through it, albeit for a short time. The person I'm dating was the type that couldn't really enjoy sex because of her depression and past trauma, and although she told me that it doesn't really matter as long as I enjoy it, I still would have felt incredibly uncomfortable/guilty/bleh if she didn't enjoy it as well (not to mention my self-esteem would've been a killer). On top of that, the people before me that she has dated were total jerks and didn't really care about her enjoyment (good job adding to her trauma guys), so I really wanted to prove that I'm different from them.

So after the first time (in which I stopped half way), there was an absence of....around half a year or so maybe, where I didn't dare do anything drastic. Well, she gradually got over that (or maybe she just got used to me) but I have to admit, as much as I would like to have said that sex and love can be separated, I never knew how hard it could be before that. But I think as long as I really do like that person, I will be able to handle it for some time (with much head to wall collision)


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## asbreathingflows (Jul 19, 2009)

Honestly... no. I can live without sex but the idea of a relationship (of any long-term standing) without that sort of close intimacy would just frustrate the hell out of me. It's not like I _need_ sex to be in a relationship, but I can't help but view it as an important part of affirming affection for both parties.

That said I don't think I could be in a relationship based purely on sex. Been there once already, (probably) wouldn't do it again. Too much of an emotional burden not to let feelings get in the way...


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## Stars (Jul 23, 2009)

On second thought, maybe I should change my answer in this thread to "Yes for several years, but after that...no."


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## Briggs (Aug 23, 2009)

Well.....if I am committed........that means that I am going to stand by this person on a deeper level than physical.
If they were physically incapable (disease/accident etc) would I still be committed. Yes. I am committed, remember?
So, if there is good reason...yes, I would be able to deal with it. Masterbating isnt all that bad :wink:either......... what do you think all these INTJ's (etc) are doing if they arent dating/married anyhow??? :tongue:
My love runs a whole lot deeper than human flesh. It goes into the heart and soul.


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## snail (Oct 13, 2008)

I didn't know the non-sexual variety of INTJs masturbated. I just assumed they weren't interested at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Briggs (Aug 23, 2009)

non-sexual variety.........um, that must not be me......... everyday sister! I have yet to have had a male in my life that can meet my sex drive.


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## slowriot (Nov 11, 2008)

if I loved her enough then yes


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## OrangeAppled (Jun 26, 2009)

I wouldn't commit to a relationship with someone who will _never_ engage in any sexual activity. I would need to know that at some point in the future we would be physically intimate, as I think it's an important part of a romantic relationship, particularly a marriage.

To me, much of foreplay IS sex though. Intercourse is just one part of sex, and not even a necessary part to define an intimate encounter as sex. I also don't see sex drive playing a part in this decision. To me, it's more of a self-control issue, and you can exercise that regardless of your libido. 

So I _would_ commit to someone who wanted or needed to wait for some period, especially if it's for religious/spiritual reasons. I respect that a lot. I also don't need to have sex with someone to know if they are right for me. I believe that forming a solid foundation for a relationship equips you to work out any sexual issues, but great sex isn't going to work out other problems in the long run. I also think that making a deep emotional, intellectual and spiritual connection with another human being is much more elusive than finding great physical chemistry, and so when I make that connection with someone, I am gripping onto it and willing to wait anything out.


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## InvisibleJim (Jun 30, 2009)

INTJs are perfectly logical about sex. If the partner will not provide then we won't miss out. As such it isn't held against them. However, there are more subtle requirements for 'some sex' in terms of physical contact. This is usually lower than the sex drive that other types tend to exhibit.

Anyway back on topic.

Only for a months or so.


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## BehindSmile (Feb 4, 2009)

If you truly love someone you will wait until they are ready...

Sex is important in a relationship, but respect and love are more important. This situation isn't a "never" having sex, it is just waiting for your partner to be ready. 

If you really love someone, they are worth the wait.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jochris (Jul 18, 2009)

InvisibleJim said:


> INTJs are perfectly logical about sex. If the partner will not provide then we won't miss out. As such it isn't held against them. However, there are more subtle requirements for 'some sex' in terms of physical contact. This is usually lower than the sex drive that other types tend to exhibit.
> 
> Anyway back on topic.
> 
> Only for a months or so.


Yes. I think I can go maybe 1-3 months if I really tried to (I'm sort of already doing that anyway), but not longer than that... and definitely not 2-3 years like my best friend.


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## snail (Oct 13, 2008)

It has been several years since I have chosen to participate in sex, so a few more years aren't going to make a huge difference, as long as I have other ways of knowing I am loved and desired by my partner. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BehindSmile (Feb 4, 2009)

snail said:


> It has been several years since I have chosen to participate in sex, so a few more years aren't going to make a huge difference, as long as I have other ways of knowing I am loved and desired by my partner.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree 100%


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## Verdant Hollow (Aug 25, 2009)

I know I *could* do it, because I've done it before, but I'd prefer a sexually active relationship.

That's one big reason I'm not interested in a long distance relationship.


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## snail (Oct 13, 2008)

Yeah, I'll admit the long-distance thing is hard. He's gotten good at comforting me over the phone without any physical contact, and calls me whenever he can tell I'm upset about anything. Even when I'm feeling good, though, I spend a good eighty percent of my time fantasizing about hugs, and cannot feel fully fulfilled without them. I'm hoping he'll be able to come see me again during winter break. The problem is that his parents are against it again, and until they get a chance to meet me in person, it only makes sense that what they see of me online would scare them a bit. I know I come across as some kind of paranoid, obsessed, rebellious, fundamentalist separatist, and if I had a child interested in someone who gave off the same impression, I'd probably be scared he'd end up either joining a militant political/religious cult or at best, getting stalked by a crazy psycho who put him on a pedestal and manipulated him with appeals to his rescuing nature. I don't exactly present myself well, for several reasons. I suspect seeing me interact with him in a healthy way, and behave like a functional human being, would ease their minds. Until then, I'm continuing to look for a good job that will allow me to save up enough money to visit him by next summer. I'm currently hopscotching between housesitting and dogsitting jobs just to stay in town long enough to look. The bus ride would take almost four days each direction, so I'll lose over a week in travel, and will be stuck riding in a fast-moving vehicle despite my tachophobia. I think it would be worth it to see him again and to prove to his parents that I'm not as bad as they probably think.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## skycloud86 (Jul 15, 2009)

I think I could fairly easily, although I've never been in a relationship.


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