# Loneliness



## EvilByte (Aug 5, 2009)

I have entered an extremely irrational state of deep sadness, stemming from the despair of loneliness. I am otherwise quite fine; I naturally enter extremely dark states in times of contentment to keep an inner balance among the good and bad in my life. It may have no logical basis in reality. It more exaggerates everything bad up until a certain points, and then piles them all together on top of my heart, until my heart is crushed under the heavy weight, and must expel a great amount of emotion to relieve the anguish.

I don't know if that makes me hopelessly insane. I don't really care. I'm not sure why I'm posting this either. I haven't even thanked those who have commented on my last post yet. But I am in no mood for niceties now. I can barely form coherent sentences at the moment, so flushed with negative emotions I am now. I often find myself spelling out completely different words, and going back and changing them, if I notice it. But I think I promised I would be open, or at least continue sharing my thoughts and feelings. So maybe someone will get something out of this. And at the very least, it should end up long enough to deter anyone who really doesn't care. 

I've never tried to be elegant. My entire life I've tried to simply explain things in ways that do my feelings justice. I never meant for my words to make anyone feel inferior. I assume anyone can write far better than I, with the right amount of practice and effort. I truly mean no harm...

My sadness at this instant is focused at the complete isolation of my being. And even though I write out to the world, it bears no weight within my soul. These feelings have no reason. They're a result of extreme sensitivity. But they only hold an indirect relation to the events that actually caused minute pain. They are merely the realization of the cruelest potentials, and most grating extents of loneliness.

Since moments like these are so fleeting, capturing them in words is very difficult. I only have a small window of opportunity, and the motivation to produce a logical reconstruction of their essence through words is low. Inexpressibly low. It's a dark, crushing feeling. It tears at the heart, but it tears in the coldest, dullest manner. It rips through the very fabric of the outer layers of my soul, but it does so without noise, without impact, without force. It is utterly serene and gentle in its torture. And that may be because it knows it's necessary, and not there to do permanent damage. Or maybe it's just the best way to cause me pain in a short amount of time.

The oppressive loneliness of my world gets to me. I am not very well and very deeply connected to anyone for any length of time. Even when I want to be, the potential for such a connection usually isn't available to me. And if I ever do make a connection, I expel my emotions too strongly for the connection to last longer than the emanation of the faintest glimmer of light from an extinguishing candle. It's wholly discouraging. But one can survive on much more shallow connections, spread out over a long amount of time. 

I often feel I live too intensely too often. My emotions sometimes fill me up and spill out from myself in waves. Often, they aren't tumultuous. They're mostly caring, compassionate, or ecstatic waves. But that's only because waves of sadness do not spill forth. Sadness stagnates in a deep pool inside your very being. There is no motion in depression; just a tepid lethargy that turns your motivations to mush. And this is not the good kind of mush, either!

People often tell me, or others around me, that there is futility in caring for others. That it's more important to care about utility, efficiency, and oneself. People parallel this with the idea that one is born alone, and one ultimately dies alone. It is this very loneliness that I struggle with tonight. I fight valiantly, day and night, with the idea. I just won't believe that complete selfishness is the answer. I won't believe that there isn't some deep connection with others that we all have, that I have.

But as I fall asleep at night, I feel sadness blanket my heart. I go to sleep alone, and I wake up alone. I sit and listen to music alone. I sit on the edge of the world and watch the sun set over fields, over trees, over houses, over the ocean, all alone. I fall into harmony with the world, and leave my senses behind for deep spiritual connections, all alone. I develop crushes, I fall in love, I am heartbroken, I wish desperately to cry, all alone. 

My only true goal in life has been to get married and share my life happily with someone. I don't like the idea of loneliness. I may be at home inside my self, in the deepest, darkest caverns of my heart. But I want to have a hand to hold on to, that will welcome me to come out and be a part of someone else's personal world. I want to rest in someone else's heart at night. I want to blanket their heart with my own warmth and happiness. I desire more than anything to care deeply for someone who wishes to share their own world with me. I just want to sit by someone and watch the sun set, the auburn and crimson rays of light warming her face one last time before the night. 

I've realized I can survive, I can make it by, I can live my life without someone there to hold my hand. I can be completely independent. I am strong enough to bear my own burdens. But that isn't the life I want. Deep down, I know I need someone. And I realize that finding her is an active journey. And I have been active, and will continue to be so. I've strained myself extremely to keep trying and be forthcoming. And many times I've been brutally struck down and defeated. My heart has been broken and crushed more times than is reasonable for it to have been. But I don't give up. 

But sometimes I cannot escape the loneliness. I realize how young I am, and that my journey has barely yet begun. But it has already been such a long and lonely road. I am deeply saddened at the thought that there are those out there who have waited and will wait far longer than I will for someone special. But, sometimes I feel I will join them in their everlasting search for love. 

My trials and woes are minimal compared to those of others. And I realize this, and I feel terribly for how conceited my words are. But my loneliness is completely self-centered, and there is nothing I can do to change that. I know I will never become a hopeless cynic. I will always help and care for others, even if I find myself alone. It is my right to do so, and I will always exercise it. 

I have been blessed by a "Baptism of Solitude," as the song is so entitled. My feelings run deeper than I can fully express, and they show such great tragic beauty to me. I know I won't feel these feelings in the morning. I may not even feel them by the time I fall asleep tonight. But right now, they are all I am. In my complete solitude, my feelings become me. There is such tragic, dark beauty there. It's ineffable.

Such sad moments are brought back at such times. The gloom of nostalgia encompasses me, and I return completely to the images and feelings I've had at such unreal times in the past. Because I am my emotions, I am free to bring my reality back to moments long gone. But the moments are images, frozen in time, that express a certain, inescapable quality to them. It is the torturous sadness of a time long gone. Moments that I may never return to, that are lost in time forever. My memory is the only real part of them left.

And because I become my past images, I feel the ultimate disconnect and unreality that they are, I experience the ultimate desperation of being in existence only by the faintest of memories, of lacking almost all definition. It's such a feeling of complete and utter isolation, loneliness and solitude that it terrifies my very soul, and that is the only way I can be drawn back to a semblance of reality. Some things about the past and all that are lost are just so sad to me. It feels like an ultimate tragedy for them to be so alone. And then I start to wonder why it has to be that way. How is it fair? 

I realize there are no answers to my questions. I'm not even sure the meaning of life would give them purpose. For they were never alive, just a tiny little piece of a distant me, far in the past. They drift hopelessly forlorn through the back of my head, just waiting for a glimpse of existence whenever I enter such a state as this. 

I can't express the loneliness well enough. My emotions are not my thoughts. I know there is still hope withn me, even at this dark time. The sorrow in my heart is limited in how ensorceling it can be. And tomorrow I will be fine as ever, still searching for one to love. But for the moment, I simply exist in my sadness. Although it does make me wonder... who could rightly love someone who lives through states such as this? Am I fundamentally bereft of normalcy by sadness? 

I know the sadness will wear off, but in the mean time I'm left to wonder...


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## Ungweliante (Feb 26, 2009)

Spoken like a true enneagram 4 and NF 

This is far easier said than done, but learn to not search for happiness amidst other people. You're not looking for a person, you're looking for an answer. A sort of an ideal person who would fill your inner emptiness. Yet people are far more - and far less - than answers. Also, most people don't want to be emotionally objectified as such.

Concentrate on the things which make you happy...things what you can control. Hobbies, interests, passions. Perhaps amidst those, you will finally find a person with whom you can resonate in the way that you both need. The resulting relationship will not be a mutually beneficial trade-agreement, but rather companionship based on altruism.


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## PeacePassion (Jun 9, 2009)

Thanks for capturing this private, fleeting glimpse into such eternal sorrow... i have experienced exactly what you speak of, so no, you're not alone in that. i hope it has dissipated by now for you, even as the memory of such experience can be rather threatening. for me it's as if the confines of reality are temporarily suspended, and in these times it is as if the cold empty space of the entire universe chills the soul. 

recently i've had the image in mind of a chain locked and wound so tightly around the heart that it rips into the flesh with each heart beat. in the past i've often had the image of a concrete shell being smashed then slowly ripped off the flesh of the living, beating heart, and as you said, "It is utterly serene and gentle in its torture. And that may be because it knows it's necessary, and not there to do permanent damage." i believe this is true.


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## Femme (Jul 12, 2009)

Don't ever give up.


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## WickedQueen (Jun 1, 2009)

Do you mind to read my blog?


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## Selene (Aug 2, 2009)

Sorry for not commenting on this sooner. Admittedly, I saw lots of text, and I was dealing with my own junk, so... I can't easily put myself in another person's perspective when there's something important going on in my own. 



> I don't know if that makes me hopelessly insane.


Nope.



> I can barely form coherent sentences at the moment, so flushed with negative emotions I am now. I often find myself spelling out completely different words, and going back and changing them, if I notice it. But I think I promised I would be open, or at least continue sharing my thoughts and feelings.


[nod] If your experience is loneliness, then sharing is very important and helpful. And that sense of disconnectedness is amplified by the inability to fully express the intensity of your feelings and spread that experience to other people.



> But as I fall asleep at night, I feel sadness blanket my heart. I go to sleep alone, and I wake up alone. I sit and listen to music alone. I sit on the edge of the world and watch the sun set over fields, over trees, over houses, over the ocean, all alone. I fall into harmony with the world, and leave my senses behind for deep spiritual connections, all alone. I develop crushes, I fall in love, I am heartbroken, I wish desperately to cry, all alone.
> 
> My only true goal in life has been to get married and share my life happily with someone. I don't like the idea of loneliness. I may be at home inside my self, in the deepest, darkest caverns of my heart. But I want to have a hand to hold on to, that will welcome me to come out and be a part of someone else's personal world. I want to rest in someone else's heart at night. I want to blanket their heart with my own warmth and happiness. I desire more than anything to care deeply for someone who wishes to share their own world with me. I just want to sit by someone and watch the sun set, the auburn and crimson rays of light warming her face one last time before the night.


It is worth it. You will still feel sadness and loneliness, and you will have to work out your own individual salvation,  but on dozens and dozens of occasions, I've been rescued from feelings of isolation by my girlfriend. To be in touch with the sadness of another person, and able to help them so easily by just listening and giving them a hug, is very joyful...which must be why she persists at comforting me, because it gives her meaning also. But there are so many beautiful people just on PC alone that I'm sure you will find the person you are looking for in real life. Since I began dating, I've met at least 5 other people who I could see myself dating. 

Dude, you're a stud--sensitive guys are a hot commodity. [Lol.]



> My trials and woes are minimal compared to those of others. And I realize this, and I feel terribly for how conceited my words are. But my loneliness is completely self-centered, and there is nothing I can do to change that.


I have that thought too. But being told that I shouldn't be upset when there are people starving in Africa doesn't solve anything. Being ashamed of what you feel because you think there is no external justification for your emotions, and it can all only be chalked up to some kind of inner distortion/delusion...that is a source of disconnectedness. Your feelings are as real, regardless of their source. But I guess among those feelings is this sense of shame, so that can't be denied/discounted either...hmm. [confused] 



> I know I won't feel these feelings in the morning. I may not even feel them by the time I fall asleep tonight.


I bet you've gotten pretty used to that by now. 



> Although it does make me wonder... who could rightly love someone who lives through states such as this? Am I fundamentally bereft of normalcy by sadness?


Don't forget...you're one of my reasons for living. 

Keep with the writing and absurdity and depression and confusion and the intangible, inexpressible, chaotic what-not...  






Lol. Yo, and stick around...it'll be your turn to console/comfort me pretty soon. I'm on a crazy high right now, but just give it a few days...


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