# ENFP in over her head in love, needs to stop NOW



## chickydoda (Feb 12, 2010)

Theres this guy I have loved for about two years now who I thought was my soulmate but rejected me. I asked his friends about it several times and they just responded with your not his type.

I would elaborate but I don't see much point. The problem is I can't get closure from this because he seems so perfect for me, and it seems like they are secretly saying there is something wrong with me. I wonder if I was a bit older, weighed less or had some musical ability if things would be different. I want to know why he won't give me a shot, and it breaks my heart just thinking about it.

He seems to get me, our conversations were always good and it seemed like we really clicked and the chemistry on my side was amazing. Everytime he laughed or sung my stomach started doing flips and I couldn't help but swoon.

I hate feeling this way about him because I know hes not perfect and alot of people have lost respect for me over this. He has a girlfriend now and I fear the day he marries someone else. I just wish I knew why he passed me by so I could at least feel better about things. I have no plan of sabotaging things, like if they are meant to be, they will happen, but I'm sick of all the tears and feeling sorry for myself and plans of living out my life as a spinster with seventy two cats since I obviously can't have him. I like other guys, but the feelings for them are mild compared to how I felt about him.


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## finically (Nov 18, 2009)

Hi there :happy:

I don't know any ENFPs, but maybe some general advice will help? Unrequited love is definitely very difficult, painful and stressful -- but there's no easy way to determine why someone might or might not like someone back. You haven't given us any particular information on this guy and what he thinks like, what he likes, etc. except that he seems perfect for you. For you. He seems to understand you, he seems to be like you, he seems to have a lot in common with you. But the problem is that different people might be looking for different things, and what he finds attractive could be someone entirely his polar opposite. This has less to do about you than about him -- there's nothing wrong with you -- he's just looking for something different. 

Does this all seem terribly unfair? Maybe so, but this is just how things are sometimes. Maybe you and he just aren't meant to be -- maybe there's someone else out there for you, maybe you are both just supposed to be great friends. Maybe, on some level, you might be too good or too incompatible with him on a romantic plane. This doesn't mean that either of you aren't great people -- sometimes two people who seem perfect for each other just don't have that vital chemistry on either or both ends (this is what happened with a friend and me; everyone egged us on to date to the point where we played around a little, tested the waters and things ended disasterously. But we're still good friends). 

You'll be able to start healing and moving on when you come to accept that you're a wonderful and whole person without him. You don't really need him to be complete. Your age, your weight, your musical abilities have nothing to do with why this guy doesn't like you -- in fact, the friend I talked about before ended up dating one of my friends who in comparison to me was less prettier, less booksmart, less witty (and thus overall, less like him) but had a very special lighthearted sense of humour, a warmth and charisma of her own. This guy is a good friend to you, and it's just not worth losing it, right? Be happy for him. This is for the best. What you can do now is improve yourself, do new things, invest in your life and be there for others. Life's so, so much bigger than romance. Even in the 'worst case scenario', you might just have a blast with your 72 cats!

I wish you all the best!

P.S. My friends recommend 'Honestly' by Cary Brothers as good music for healing a heart bruised by unrequited love. For some, it's an almost surefire fix ;-)


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## chickydoda (Feb 12, 2010)

More information on the situation (I don't know if everything I said is still relevant though). http://personalitycafe.com/enfp-forum-inspirers/13713-posted-my-blog-relationship-problems-enfp.html

I don't know that much about him really... just what I see externally. He was a strong presence in my church, he played the keyboard, sung and was the worship leader and was also the leader of my small group at one point... I was a year older than everyone else in that group though. Because I stayed in my hometown a year longer, and hadn't been a Christian all through highschool the youth pastor let me stay back a year so I could learn more and could hang out with my friends who were mostly a year lower than me at school. This made the unrequited love four years older than me. It was really confusing because there were times were he seemed to show some interest in me, or at least getting to know me, but maybe he was just being nice?

So yeah, I don't know how he thinks or what he likes. I know some of his favourite tv shows and bands, that he likes music and surfing, that he goes away alot and is a flying instructor and pilot. I know two of his former girlfriends and liked both of them- one of them was tall and athletic like him. I didn't know much about the other girl but she was sweet, and kind of random. I love his sense of humour and we laugh at the same things. The only times we've hung out have been in group situations, but I have talked to him a few times one on one... nothing that deep though because I've always felt awkward around him.

"Your age, your weight, your musical abilities have nothing to do with why this guy doesn't like you"- Umm I'm not totally sure about that. When guys don't like me the first thing I always jump to is my appearance... whenever I lose a significant amount of weight, or wear make-up, I always get noticed alot more and people are generally nicer to me. If that was my only flaw though, I'm sure I wouldn't have been single this long. Also hes four years older than me which might be too much for some people (I generally only want to date within a two year range, but hes really special to me) and was one of my church leaders at one point which may have made a relationship between us inappropriate, but both of us have moved on since then. I live in England now, but I plan on moving home eventually, and hes started at a new church because he moved homes- one of my friends flatted with him at one stage, which is how I know. As for the musical abilities, he always seems to be surrounded by musicians. He probably has friends with other interests, but I've only seen a small slice of his life so its hard to be sure. I know his faith is important to him, so thats one thing we share.

Also, we aren't friends. Never have been, probably never will be. I like him as a person, and would be his friend, but I think its too late because of the feelings I've had for him for the past few years and the weirdness he has between us. Even if I got married to someone else and we somehow ended up in the same church again mixing with the same people it doesn't seem likely to me.

Anyway, thanks for the solid advice and the book reccommendation. I will look it up next time I am on Amazon and will hopefully be able to get a cheap copy. I just thought I would give you some more information in case it helped you with any further suggestions. I wouldn't reccommend reading the other thread unless you still want more information about what I've written here. Everytime I mention this guy I feel a deep sense of shame and embarrassment because I feel like hes worlds ahead of me.


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## finically (Nov 18, 2009)

Hi again :happy:

I read your other thread, and I'm really sorry about how much stress and pain this is causing you. It seems like you’ve already put the whole picture together as to why things are like this between you two – you just need a final resolution and some time to get over him. I’d initially assumed that the both of you were close friends. If that were the case, then yes, your age, appearance, musical abilities and such would not have any effect on his approach to you. However, now I realize that he probably just sees you as a protégé/student/little sister figure. He doesn’t really know you as a person – he probably knows less about you than you do about him. He caught your eye because he stood out at church. Can you think of any reasons as to why he might be interested in getting to know you better? Any opportunities where you might have a chance of working together on a project, etc. so that you can both get to know each other better? Any situations where he might want to approach you for friendship or advice? If not, then he’s probably never going to approach you because he’s older, he knew you as a student, etc. If you add to this the fact that he knows that you like him, he’s going to keep a distance to minimize the awkwardness and any possible guilt (e.g. that he can’t reciprocate your feelings). He has nothing to lose this way. 

Please don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed. I understand why you’re so enchanted by this guy – he seems magnetic, intelligent, talented and confident. He seems to be the perfect guy for you. He seems perfect because you’ve seen him with his best, public face. You haven’t seen him completely but you’ve held onto your idealized image of him. If you knew more about him, you might realize that he’s a completely different person to what you thought. You think that he really gets you. He might understand some things because he’s older, more worldly and because he’s an empathetic human being. Neither of you have had the chance to get to know each other, but since that chance might not come, it’s time that you look at the whole picture and start to move on. You would be happier this way. After all, there are many things in life that can bring you fulfillment and happiness outside this one guy, right?

There are many other great men out there who will share your faith, respect you and have a lot in common with you. If you go out there, take on new activities, meet new people you’ll soon realize this. I hope that you won’t let your idealized image of one man keep you back from giving others a chance. Maybe you won’t be attracted to others right away, but sometimes love takes time to bloom between yourself and someone else. Maybe you’re so caught up with this guy that you miss the hints that other guys like you and might want to go out with you. 

I don’t think that one’s physical appearance is too important in attracting friends and potential love interests. As long as you’re presentable (wearing a little makeup will help, but not too much makeup), neat, healthy and not obese then people are going to be interested in you. Some men ‘like’ the gorgeous model type, but if those girls are vapid or clingy, then they’re going to lose interest once their egos have been satisfied (how many men remain in long relationships with ‘models’? Unless those men are vapid themselves, they usually don’t stay with the models for too long, but who wants a shallow man?). Most men want a presentable, moderately feminine (they don’t want to date a man. Haha), humorous and confident woman. Someone who has her own life outside of him, and it’s the same for women. If you’ve got those characteristics, then rest assured that you’ll find a good man. 

I hope I’ve been able to help, but I know that I can’t place myself in your shoes and completely understand what you’re going through. However, I’ve seen a friend go through a very similar situation and I would be happy to talk about this more if it helps. This whole situation is in your hands. You have all the answers. You just need to piece them all together. :happy:

Oh, and that was a song, not a book. hehe. My friends really like it -- apparently it's really soothing when you listen to it a lot. 



Best of luck with everything!


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## RoseT (Jun 30, 2010)

I was going to say that the best way to get him to like you is to dress like a whore with the express hope that he takes advantage of you so you can get pregnant guaranteeing that he will always be in your life 

You can buy him expensive inappropriate gifts and stalk him constantly until he gives in. (sometimes they respond with some anti-stalking court order thingie but thats just a temporary glitch easily solved by high tech surveillance equipment which you can borrow off me just as soon as I have my next hearing:tongue

You said that when he sings you swoon.. has he ever heard you singing? .. to him? .. at 3 am under his bedroom window?

Try that. 

Or maybe you can be an adult and:

1) Have the conversation with HIM & not his friends (i can tell you now that if he was even slightly interested in you hes now completely freaked out)

2) Handle the rejection - *HES JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU.* Get over yourself and move on by sleeping with every male relative in his family (if you have an STD that would be even better) 

Seriously? You arent even FRIENDS with this guy and youve 'LOVED' him for years??? This isnt love, its an unhealthy obsession. 

You dont need to buy a book, you need some kickass self esteem. I strongly suggest psychotherapy.

I understand that it is hard to let go of inappropriate relationships for an ENFP - but .. you NEVER HAD ONE with this guy. So your behaviour is very unrealistic and more then likely an indication of other psychosocial issues. 

Get help before you really do ruin the relationship that God is waiting to reveal to you.


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## chickydoda (Feb 12, 2010)

RoseT said:


> I was going to say that the best way to get him to like you is to dress like a whore with the express hope that he takes advantage of you so you can get pregnant guaranteeing that he will always be in your life
> 
> You can buy him expensive inappropriate gifts and stalk him constantly until he gives in. (sometimes they respond with some anti-stalking court order thingie but thats just a temporary glitch easily solved by high tech surveillance equipment which you can borrow off me just as soon as I have my next hearing:tongue
> 
> ...


Seriously? What the hell is your problem? You don't even know me but you think its okay to judge my feelings for this guy. I know what love is. Maybe its not perfect, or conventional or even normal, and maybe its just one sided but it doesn't make it any easier. We're not friends, but I knew him a long time before I developed feelings for him.

Oh and by the way your jokes aren't funny. They are lame. I make people laugh all the time and it doesn't require hurting someone elses feelings. You're even more pathetic than I am.


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## Crystall (Mar 30, 2010)

It's easy for us ENFP girls to get caught up in your fantasy world where this guy comes and sweeps you off your feet and makes you feel accepted, and beautiful, and safe, and loved. But no man or woman can do that, no matter how perfect they may seem. And believe me, no man is perfect! 

Here's your situation from a simplified outside view; 
Girl meets boy. Boy is charming and handsome and smart and forbidden and amazing and can sing and everyone loves and respects him. Girl obviously gets crush on boy. Girl asks boy's friends if he might be interested in her. Boy's friends say "You're not his type." In most cases girl would now choose one of two options: 1. ask boy directly if he likes her/ask him out 2. accept rejection and move on. Instead... 2 years go by, yet girl is still hopelessly in love with boy. :mellow:

I've been hung up on a boy before, and in my situation the reason for it was that I was using my crush as an excuse to avoid falling in love with anyone, and thereby avoid the possibility of getting hurt. 
I had just come out of an abusive relationship, and I met a boy whom by comparison was absolutely amazing. It was an impossible love, and we both knew it couldn't last as we were both going off to colleges far away from each other. But that didn't stop me from falling for him. After it inevitably ended I clung to my feelings for him and idealized him above everyone else, keeping other boys at a distance where they couldn't lie, manipulate, control, abuse, or hurt me the way that my ex did. 
I'm still working on my issues regarding my abusive ex, but I'm in a healthy relationship now with a man who is very patient and supportive with me. I don't idealize the boy I had a crush on anymore, and I've realized that it wasn't him I had feelings for. It was the image of who I wanted him to be, and whom I imagined myself as being if I were with him.

I'm not saying that your reasons are the same as mine, but that your feelings for this boy whom you don't even know, could be a defense mechanism on your part. A way of keeping other boys at arm's length where they cannot hurt you like they could if you allowed yourself to like them back. 

Anyways, good luck! I hope you find a way to let him go.


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## marzipan01 (Jun 6, 2010)

The fastest way to get over one guy is to get under another one.  Just kidding. I've been there Chickydoda, in that exact same position. But we were friends, perfect for each other, hung out all the time, and nope...not happening. Best friends for years a couple of times almost dated but he just wouldn't be serious for some stupid reasons I'd prefer not to disclose. Honestly, it hurts too much sometimes to hear the truth. My suggestion is to date someone else just to get over this one. That's what I did and I finally accept that there are other fish in the sea: better fish, cuter fish, richer fish, fish that are better in bed, etc.  You'll see. No guy is worth getting bent out of shape like that for. Especially if he doesn't feel the same way about you.


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