# The Boundlessness of Compassion



## EvilByte (Aug 5, 2009)

Being overwhelmed with warmth, and fully stimulated by the energy of the music closest to my heart, I needed a moment to examine one of the most integral parts of my being. Most everything I do is related to helping and caring for others. I apologize to anyone who finds this unsettling or self-promoting in any way. I am not trying to compare myself to others, I'm simply trying to express some of the deepest, most complex and unexplainable parts of my heart. 

Be that as it may, I often find myself wondering how I do relate to others, and if they feel similarly to how I do. But that is not my place to understand freely; I can not feel what others feel in the same way. Everyone is completely unique in their own feelings. And though words may be an imperfect medium, I feel too deeply connected to the world right now to lose a chance for others to take the shortest of glances into how I exist..

I'm often very unsure that my feelings are fair. I care so deeply about some, I care greatly about most of the rest, I don't care much for a few, and I really don't care for others. I hate to judge others, but I find it a necessity of life on a basic level; if I allow those who hurt me to continue hurting me, I won't be able to survive. My instinctive drive for self-preservation allows me the ability to not care equally, and even to dislike, maybe even hate, others. But in a society where control over instincts is idealized, how can this potential hatred be consciously allowed and not mulled over?

We far too often justify hatred and comparisons. Comparing others and ourselves requires making judgements, whether they be superficial or otherwise. Our vocabulary is pervaded by words expressing all these sentiments. Inferiority, good, evil, worthy, deserving... But why must we limit ourselves to thinking there are things that we deserve and do not?

I find that practicality is often a justification for judgements and worth. But should there be any justifications for it? Humanity has constructed a "good enough" and "let's just survive" world. Everything that is too idealistic and difficult is generally ignored. But I didn't come here to argue or postulate on the value of worth and idealism. I can't personally control anyone else, and I have no general control over the world at large. The only thing I do have control over is how I live my life.

My heart is a terrible place to be. It's constantly fighting with me over values, beliefs, ideals and emotions. And it's not impossible to see why. My conscious, my brain, my thoughts are externally influenced by my culture, world, and society. My heart is only internally concerned with me and that which directly affects me.

My head always tells my heart how it should feel, what it should believe, and why. It's rational, it's logical, it's mostly practical. But my heart will never listen. It knows better. You can't reason with true feelings; there's a knowledge there that supercedes all else. 

Somewhere deep inside, at the very base of my very being, lies the most delicate and simple of truths. It's not even a truth, and it's a tragedy to name it thus. But a word can not express its meaning; it is what it is, it will be what it will be, and it has been what it has been. Almost all my faith, my beliefs, my strength, my weakness comes from this one tiny kernel of essence. It's a cornerstone of my being, and it may very well hold the meaning of my life inside of it.

It's very important, and I can't impart that knowledge to you well enough. It is a part of me, but it helps make up all of me. It's how I relate to others, it's how I feel about others, it's how I feel about myself, it's how I love. It's that little part of me that tells me I should love. It is everything I've ever needed to love others, and it's constant reassurance that loving others is okay, it's natural, it's the way I should be. It is greater justification for my love than anyone could ever give me through any other means. It simply is love itself. 

It's from this love that my compassion for others stems. And how amazingly does it grow! For being the smallest, inescapably tiny piece of myself, it is so vast and immense that it allows the stems and roots of every relationship I've ever had to spread and grow limitlessly. I am connected to an infinite universe by the infinite nature of this inimitably small kernel of being inside myself. And it tells me the value of love. The inexpressible value of love and compassion.

When I tell others that they hold a place in my heart, I don't mean it lightly. I don't even mean it intensely. I mean it in such a special, individual way that I cannot logically understand it. They become a part of my being, that very special little part of me. And that part of me compels me to love, and love very deeply. That's simply why I fall in love so earnestly and quickly. The inner workings of my heart reaches out completely to someone it knows is worthy of love. But it loves indiscriminately, so it's up to my head to limit my interaction with those whom I think aren't the one for me. 

My heart wants me to love and care for everyone. It compels me endlessly to seek, help, care, understand and nurture others. My heart is fulfilled insofar as I have done my best to help, love and care for another. I simply continually love and want to do my best for everyone. 

This may be the most confusing part of my nature to others. Cynical people tell me I'm selfish and only love to be loved back. Confused people tell me I'm loving because I think I should be loving. Some people can't figure out any one particular reason and just pass it off as "silly emotions." But it's not silly, it's not moral, it's not self-interested. My love and compassion just are. They come from the deepest part of me to be me. 

I've never needed to be loved back to continue loving and caring. This has always confused me greatly and left me logically distraught. If the most important part of my being acts selflessly, completely desiring only to love others, then why do other parts of me need selfish returns to feel satisfied? Why is this one little part so idealistically perfect and whole? Why does it exist? How did it get there? Do others have it? 

I've come to logically accept it as a natural harmonizer. It's that tiny piece of me that is perfect by itself and in its own right. I am by no means perfect, but this little driving force, this little tiny kernel of existence, is so perfect and wonderful it shines through every little part of me, filling me with hope and coloring my actions, feelings and impulses. It may very well be the storehouse for my soul. It may be what connects me to the universe, the world, and everyone else around me. It may be what gives me life, or at least what gives my life a purpose. 

But whatever it may be, it is what it is. If I never understand it, I will still be happy. Because it's so beautiful. It makes everyone so wondrous and worthwhile. Whenever I look into another's eyes, I search desperately for the same kernel inside of them. And I always find something. I don't know if it's exactly the same in everyone, but I always find something that feels the same, deep down. 

That is why I can never truly judge someone. That is why I will always be related to others. That is why I love, and not hate. And even when I do fall prey to hate and cruelty, it never overtakes me. Because deep down inside, resting somewhere sweetly, is that tiny little part of my heart that will always love everyone. And it feels so connected and integral to all life, that I feel that no life exists evilly. There's just some strange connection there. And it's a lovely one. It's a beautiful one. It's galactic. It's atomic. It's you, and me. 

I wish I could write poetry about it, and I assume one day I will. My trepidations have kept me from writing any poetry in a long while. But my heart may be healed enough to be broken again. My poetry is the closest I come to expressing that little part of me, but I have yet to write about love. Maybe I am not yet strong enough yet. Maybe it's something I can't do by myself. But that is for another time.

I thank you for reading this. Even though I've done a poor job at expressing what I've wanted to express. But life is continuous, and I will have other chances to express it to the world. 

I hope you are well and rest peacefully.


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## PeacePassion (Jun 9, 2009)

You're amazing EvilByte, I must say. Many of the things you are saying I've had to learn the hard way myself. Perhaps you have too, regardless, that which you speak of is also what is truly ours, what no one can take, and what we ourselves can never lose or destroy, despite it all. The very core of our being, as human beings. 

I used to joke that as i have 100% 'P' and 0% 'J' in my personality profile that 'I shalt not judge' ... stupid, joke, sorry! But in all seriousness, I think judgment is an important quality, an important ability. Restraint is necessary at times, as much as I just want to just explode sometimes and dissolve into the essence of existence, with restraint I can give in an even and appropriate flow. 

Anyway, thanks so much for sharing your thoughts, for sharing your feelings, and for opening your heart. <3


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## Psilo (Apr 29, 2009)

Very well said


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## Femme (Jul 12, 2009)

Speechless, once again.


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## JojoGopher (Aug 1, 2009)

Wow. You put words to things I have never managed to relate. If ever you get the desire to write something like this again, please don't hesitate.


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