# My existence feels misreable.



## Charus (May 31, 2017)

I cant take it anymore, I feel like I just dug myself some very deep hole It's very difficult to get out off.

I want to be able to build myself a positive self image and be able to give positive impression but I fail misreably in this, I just end up silencing others because they say things that I dont want to hear.

for 5 years I have been trying to find my own type, and fail misreably, I dont even know at this point whether I cannot accept the fact that I am an Fi dom or whether I genuinely have a hard time finding my type.

Honestly, with my time being here and how it shaped my personality, I just feel like I've become an lost cause who is only in life just to search for approval from others, especialy in PerC, and If I dont get the approval, or get accepted, I would go into depressive, or hateful rage or self-deprication episodes, and this cicle just never seems to end, and I just cant even function when it comes to real life too, I just cant get off the intrusive thoughts that I am a failure of a human being.

I need help, I know you will explain that I should stop going to PerC and leave, but I just cant, I have been here for 5 years and I've build so much connection here with others It's hard to leave, It's like PerC is holding me on a whip, especialy when with @Allostasis .


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## Nannerl (Jan 6, 2021)

I really don't understand how you can think the reactions will suddenly change if you keep touching the subject so much, what's the logic behind that? You don't need to say what your objective is, your threads have made it pretty clear. If you want people to see what you claim to be, why not simply _showing_ it?


Charus said:


> want to be able to build myself a positive self image and be able to give positive impression


“Positive impression”, that is your main problem, you're building a personality for everyone else. 

Let yourself be, if you're smart and a leader, it will be evident once you let it flow. Your opinions on yourself don't really matter if people are not seeing any proof but you whining about it. Saying it is not enough. How about simply changing of strategy and showing what you want the way it truly counts, with actions. Start more interesting discussions, something that is worth your effort and people's time; that is if you care so much about “status” as you say. Start being what you want to be, your vision of yourself as a “strong” person matters very little when you're saying it almost crying, asking desperately for people to believe it. 

For real, use your head; if you don't want to take a break, change of method for different results.


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

Consider discussing your issues with a mental health professional like a therapist. They can provide you with better coping tools.


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## Fennel (Jan 11, 2017)

The only people you should be interested in pleasing are those that stick around and got your back. It doesn't matter how smart they are, whether they give good advice, or they bash your type. Actions speak louder than words. Think about people's intentions - is this person giving a knee-jerk reaction, half-assed analysis, or just trying to mess with you? And whatever it is, are they in it for the long haul, are they trying to help?

All those voices that aren't helping you, just throw them in the mental garbage can. You don't have to listen to those. You don't have to listen to anybody who doesn't care enough.


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

Fennel said:


> The only people you should be interested in pleasing are those that stick around and got your back. It doesn't matter how smart they are, whether they give good advice, or they bash your type. Actions speak louder than words. Think about people's intentions - is this person giving a knee-jerk reaction, half-assed analysis, or just trying to mess with you? And whatever it is, are they in it for the long haul, are they trying to help?
> 
> All those voices that aren't helping you, just throw them in the mental garbage can. You don't have to listen to those. You don't have to listen to anybody who doesn't care enough.


As a cautionary, even if people have the best of intentions and watch your back, doesn't mean that their advice is healthy. Drug addicts will try to convince a friend who wants to become sober, to take drugs again. It's a 'one of us' tactic.

This is why I suggested professional help since they don't have a vested interest in any 'one of us' tactics, instead, suggesting more healthy coping tools.


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## Posie_girl90 (Jun 25, 2020)

I don't think you can define yourself by letters, or functions. Don't get me wrong those things are interesting, it's cool to read them and relate. But who you are isn't made but those definitions, who you are is determined from what you make of yourself, growing from the rubble, becoming a person that you are proud of.
I understand wanting the approval of others, it's a good feeling to be accepted or appreciated. But I think you should accept yourself first. Admittedly, that's not easy it takes a lot of work, time, and effort, but the payoff is worth it. 
But someone gave some great advice, getting help from a professional is always a good option, they can really help a lot with those feelings and intrusive thoughts.


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

@Charus I don't think you should have to leave PerC, but I do think you should consider taking a break from worrying about your MBTI, like I suggested in the other thread.

PerC also has other sections--like the psychology section. I sometimes try to create threads to help me work on myself, like my issues with being productive or relationship issues.

So I still think you should consider taking a break from trying to figure out your MBTI and maybe work on other things--like what you describe here...though I do think there are other good resources, like books and youtube videos (but you could also discuss them here in the forum if you wanted to get feedback on them too).

I was just thinking yesterday about how easy it is for me to spiral into some kind of magnification of shame and negative thinking, for myself. I think a lot of what you describe is relatable to a lot of people. And I don't think you should feel you need to leave a community if you think you might be able to make the experience work for you. 

But I do think that it might be helpful to leave off worrying about MBTI for a short while, and instead focus on other things that might be more helpful, which I feel like you're already doing here--really.

I also agree with seeing a counselor or a therapist. I've seen counselors in my life and I would absolutely see a therapist or a psychoanalyst if I had the resources to do so. So I think it's something that you should consider. Because they can be great at offering insight and guidance.


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## Ewok City (Sep 21, 2020)

The problem is you don't listen to people who try their best to help. As simple as that. 

Most people are genuinely concerned for you, yet notice how you keep trying to win @Allostasis' approval and ignore all the solid advices you got from others.


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## Joe Black (Apr 1, 2015)

It’s great that you’ve developed the self awareness to identify things about yourself.

I actually have great love and respect for some of the ISFPs and INFPs in my life. I don’t see them any less.

But you’re choosing to believe a narrative or idea - If I could sum it up (correct me if I’m wrong or if you’ve changed positions) “The most respected and worthy people in the world are strong, self assured, confident, assertive, commanding. They excel in life and get ahead and become rich, successful and therefore loved and respected by everyone.” or perhaps behind it is simply "I want to be loved and matter to people." Or "I want to feel belonging and security."
Maybe you need to rethink and really really challenge these notions. Is it actually true? Are there people that can achieve it without becoming all that?

Mark Manson is a pretty good life coach. He'a edgy too. Might be up your ally.




I don't want to spoil it but the pearl of wisdom he gives but it's
"You will stop caring what others think when you have something in your life that more important than what others think."
and ironically, he says, "When you find something worth caring about such that you stop caring about what others think, people will start to respect you."

So it's not a blanket "Give no F's ever". You need to give an F* sometimes.

He wrote the book "How to not give a F*" You should check it out.


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## ENTJudgement (Oct 6, 2013)

Charus said:


> I cant take it anymore, I feel like I just dug myself some very deep hole It's very difficult to get out off.
> 
> I want to be able to build myself a positive self image and be able to give positive impression but I fail misreably in this, I just end up silencing others because they say things that I dont want to hear.
> 
> ...


If you just set goals then relentlessly do everything you can to achieve them, you'll be fine.


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## Fru2 (Aug 21, 2018)

@Charus Determine your goals based on who you want to be, don't just experience things and assimilate it into who you think you are. Fi will incorporate the Se and Ni you experince into it whether you want to or not, so try to define certain principles you will stick by that you know will build your character in the way you want to be perceived. Don't try to adjust yourself to the external, adjust the external to yourself, limit your set of actions towrads beneficial goals. Determine your goals based on what will make you more of who you want to be. 
Jason Momoa for exampe will do the Haka as an experience that builds up his image of himself. A surfer would surf in order to build that image of himself. etc.


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## Fennel (Jan 11, 2017)

mia-me said:


> As a cautionary, even if people have the best of intentions and watch your back, doesn't mean that their advice is healthy. Drug addicts will try to convince a friend who wants to become sober, to take drugs again. It's a 'one of us' tactic.
> 
> This is why I suggested professional help since they don't have a vested interest in any 'one of us' tactics, instead, suggesting more healthy coping tools.


You got a point there. We have different modes of approach. Luckily, there's more than one way to skin a cat.

I deliberately avoided talking about some coping strategies / tactics being healthy or unhealthy. The OP might be one of those people who want / need to learn about it the hard way.

There are shitty professionals too, the sort that prescribe multiple pills at once, barely talk to a patient / client, and then charge expensive fees.


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## Fru2 (Aug 21, 2018)

Fennel said:


> There are shitty professionals too, the sort that prescribe multiple pills at once, barely talk to a patient / client, and then charge expensive fees.


Exactly, and the only incentive an expert has is getting paid, here people give free advice so intentions are pretty clear. It's like saying "If you have a cloging call a plumber" Sure, they'll fix the clog, but the chance of them doing everything they can in order to make sure that there's less of a chance for a future clog is very slim, since they want to be employd again. Therapists in the same manner develop reliance of thei rpatients in them for the sake of securing a customer, therefore the advice of seeking a professional can be very lethal to one's pocket as well as wellbeing imo.


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## Joe Black (Apr 1, 2015)

Fru2 said:


> Exactly, and the only incentive an expert has is getting paid, here people give free advice so intentions are pretty clear. It's like saying "If you have a cloging call a plumber" Sure, they'll fix the clog, but the chance of them doing everything they can in order to make sure that there's less of a chance for a future clog is very slim, since they want to be employd again. Therapists in the same manner develop reliance of thei rpatients in them for the sake of securing a customer, therefore the advice of seeking a professional can be very lethal to one's pocket as well as wellbeing imo.


I suppose I was lucky to have one that equipped me with the skills, and even encouraged me to not return! That or I was such a major pain in the ass that $170/hr wasn’t worth it! 🤣🤣🤣😅

I would recommend mine but she’s in Sydney Australia.


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## Fru2 (Aug 21, 2018)

Joe Black said:


> I suppose I was lucky to have one that equipped me with the skills, and even encouraged me to not return! That or I was such a major pain in the ass that $170/hr wasn’t worth it! 🤣🤣🤣😅
> 
> I would recommend mine but she’s in Sydney Australia.


A shot in the dark. My 1st driving instructor wanted to milk me by being a shitty teacher who does more harm than good so I switched to another one who luckily wanted to put me on the streets asap.


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

Fennel said:


> There are shitty professionals too, the sort that prescribe multiple pills at once, barely talk to a patient / client, and then charge expensive fees.


Not sure where you live but over here, a therapist can't prescribe drugs. That's left to doctors with medical degrees, like psychiatrists. Even so, pharmas are sometimes necessary so it's not as though pharmas are bad in every situation.


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## Charus (May 31, 2017)

Thanks for the positive comments, it definitely makes me feel better. I have been trying to get into an therpaist of sort, however I have trouble getting into.

Another one of the things that make me feel misreable is my 1.65 height, like godamnit, why I am so short. I'm not Asian or belong to any of the cultures that normaly short, even then I am short. Like it feels bad because no matter what I do, whether exercise or building my body, I would still look "tiny" compared to others, It's not only my type that makes me feel "Emasculated".

Like man, I know of a surgery that increases your leg lenght, but even then for someone who is short, my legs compose atleast around 47 of my body presentage, and doing this surgery that will increase my height up to 1.76 - 1.79 would make my body disproportionate.


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## Nesi (May 9, 2021)

Charus said:


> I have been trying to get into an therpaist of sort, however I have trouble getting into.


Do you write in a journal? That can help, especially if you are consistent with it and allow yourself to be honest/vulnerable with what you write.



Charus said:


> Another one of the things that make me feel misreable is my 1.65 height


I’m sorry that you feel miserable. At least at 165cm you should be as tall or taller than a majority of women. I think that counts for a lot (assuming you are attracted to women).


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## yubih (Apr 12, 2021)

I kind of understand how you feel because I went through a similar phase in the past. When I was going through my depressive phases I used to be really obsessed with finding the perfect definition for me, but at the the same time I couldn't accept that I was a strong Fi user nor a 4 because those descriptions had all the flaws I didn't like and couldn't tolerate in myself
Then after some therapy, treatment for my disorder and an experience alone abroad I grew as a person and got better mentally and emotionally and I realized that obsessing over stereotypes and descriptions doesn't make any sense. I am good at math, study in a scientific field, can be strongly opinionated and fight for what I believe in; does this not make me a Fi user because they are supposed to be bad at math and weak and silent and never stand up for themselves? Makes no sense at all. Some of the best people I know in my life are Fi-doms and they aren't just some wimpy crybabies as the stereotypes would suggest. I feel there's just a lot of stigma around ixfps that is ridiculous
As for the flaws I have as a strong Fi user and type 4, I've just learned to live with them. It's true that I cry often and can be dramatic and self-centered and find it hard to be positive, but that's just who I am and no good will come to me if I keep denying that I can be like that. Acknowledging is the first step to change for the best, and even thought I myself find it hard to believe sometimes, my bad qualities don't cancel out the good ones. I also am creative, honest and I encourage people to speak up for themselves and embrace their individuality, just as I am all the other negative things I listed before

As for height, there's not really much one can do. I know that sounds cliché and I know that height for guys can be really a struggle, but there's so much more to people than their physical appearance, which indeed plays a role, but not the most important one, when forming a deep connection with somebody


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## Joe Black (Apr 1, 2015)

Charus said:


> that makes me feel "Emasculated".


This seems to be the ROOT OF ALL OF YOUR PROBLEMS.

You have a specific idea/concept of what it means to be a worthy and masculine man, who gets ahead in life, who is loved, who has a fulfilling life, who lives this ideal life.

I bet many people here have already tried to tell you, this is not the case... It’s a lie... Etc etc. But you’re not gonna believe it because your holding onto those beliefs really tightly. It’s emotionally ingrained in you. Me or anyone telling you otherwise isn’t going to change your mindset much if at all.

How exactly have you come to form this concept? Why is it so real for you? Have you been ridiculed? Treated in such a way? Do the people you come into contact believe all that and reinforce it?

Then think more critically... Actually challenge those ideas. Are there people, men who are short yet worthy and loved? Are there gentler men who are strong and still loved by many? Who lives the good life that doesn’t match up to all those requirements? Why? - And I mean REALLY CHALLENGE your ideas.

BTW...
Jordan Peterson’s book “12 Rules for Life” has been a great help to a lot of young men similar to yourself. If reading/audiobooks are your thing? - He’s an erudite psychologist and has much to say on the matter.


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