# How do I get my friend to dump her bf?



## Negotiator (Mar 15, 2018)

Well, they've gotten into a physical fight. The fight was his fault, but she started getting aggressive so she blames herself. She also thinks God wants them to be together. 

How do I convince someone who has never been single in her adult life to dump him?


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## SgtPepper (Nov 22, 2016)

Careful now, you might be the one who ends up getting dumped.


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## Queen of Cups (Feb 26, 2010)

You can’t unfortunately.
All you can do is give her gentle tough love, your opinion when it’s asked for, and be there for her.
Trying to break them up will more than likely just drive a wedge between the two of you.


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## VinnieBob (Mar 24, 2014)

Tell her that you fucked him😂
worrks like a charm


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## Bella2016 (Mar 5, 2013)

Negotiator said:


> Well, they've gotten into a physical fight. The fight was his fault, but she started getting aggressive so she blames herself. She also thinks God wants them to be together.
> 
> How do I convince someone who has never been single in her adult life to dump him?


She'll end up divorced most likely (even for "Christians"). I've seen this happen. Probably the stats will say that if there is violence before marriage it will end in divorce - look them up and see if I'm right. God hates divorce, and God also doesn't tell us who to marry. God gives us principles in the Bible to follow. God tells us to make wise choices. God tells us to protect and respect our bodies. If he's a new Christian he needs help before he gets married. If he is not a young Christian then he also needs help. And just by the way, in case he isn't even a Christian, Christians shouldn't date, let alone marry, unbelievers (need arguments: look it up on-line; plenty of articles available). If he is a Christian, it doesn't mean they won't end up divorced (even though this isn't meant to happen). Even if he is never violent again, they are clearly in a very unhealthy relationship, and that is what will most likely cause the divorce. The purpose of marriage is to glorify God and is also a picture of Jesus' sacrificial love for His people. To marry someone and have an unloving relationship is not going to present the right picture of marriage to the world.


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## shameless (Apr 21, 2014)

VinnieBob said:


> Tell her that you fucked him😂
> worrks like a charm


Lol wtf Vinnie haha I’m dying of laughter


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## Lonewaer (Jul 14, 2014)

Negotiator said:


> Well, they've gotten into a physical fight. The fight was his fault, but she started getting aggressive so she blames herself. She also thinks God wants them to be together.


Unless you've gathered both sides of the story, that entire quote can be ignored, as, from my knowledge, men *rarely* (=not "never") even get physically violent unless they are cornered into it by their companion.



Negotiator said:


> How do I convince someone who has never been single in her adult life to dump him?


You don't. They will have to come to that conclusion by themselves. You can only support them through their ordeals.


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

Negotiator said:


> Well, they've gotten into a physical fight. The fight was his fault, but she started getting aggressive so she blames herself. She also thinks God wants them to be together.
> 
> How do I convince someone who has never been single in her adult life to dump him?


If she's religious, perhaps trying to get her to talk to one of her trusted religious leaders about it? Or members of her church?

Sometimes abusive relationships thrive off of isolation, and perhaps she needs an outside perspective that could help her see it differently and perhaps she would give more authority to a religious leader, and be more likely to listen to them? Idk

I think ultimately just being available, for if she ever does see it...or if she wants someone to talk to, could help. Especially if she's starting to get kind of brainwashed (to me, saying God wants her to be with her boyfriend sounds kind of irrational).


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## Scoobyscoob (Sep 4, 2016)

Negotiator said:


> Well, they've gotten into a physical fight. The fight was his fault, but she started getting aggressive so she blames herself. She also thinks God wants them to be together.
> 
> *How do I convince someone who has never been single in her adult life to dump him?*


Fastest way to lose a friend in my observation. Especially if she thinks the relationship has some divine connection. I wouldn't even know how to approach someone to suggest dumping her boyfriend if that were the case. I think the best thing to do is just to support her as a friend and if he starts another physical fight with her again, notify _her_ family and let them handle it.

If you try to force it to be a decision with either siding with you - the friend and him - the boyfriend, I'd guess 9 times out of 10, she'll pick him - The SO over you - The Friend. Especially so if she mentions that you suggested that she leave him then he demands that she stops being friends with you. Not good.


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

While I hesitate to deliberately break people up, when it comes to physical violence, that's another story. They appear to have a toxic relationship if it came down to blows.

Have her read up on Gabby Petito and Brian Laundrie's case since they had a toxic relationship. The two are dead, one from murder, the other, suicide.


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## Zeri (Jan 23, 2018)

Negotiator said:


> Well, they've gotten into a physical fight. The fight was his fault, but she started getting aggressive so she blames herself. She also thinks God wants them to be together.
> 
> How do I convince someone who has never been single in her adult life to dump him?


Is the getting into a physical fight the only reason you think she should dump him, or are there other reasons? Some more information on the relationship would be helpful.


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## Negotiator (Mar 15, 2018)

Zeri said:


> Is the getting into a physical fight the only reason you think she should dump him, or are there other reasons? Some more information on the relationship would be helpful.


The physical fight is the main reason, but I'm generally scared that she has a pattern of unhealthy romantic relationships. She often ends up getting abused.

She said all her friends have said she should dump him, so it sounds like it'd be fine for me to say the same. 

She's an ESFJ.


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## taixfai (Mar 30, 2020)

Voice your concerns of how he treats her but don't push. It will come off wrong if you tell her outright they should break up, and being as in love as she is, it won't get through + may just end your friendship. 

If anything, she will consider it, if not at least if someday she does contemplate leaving she will have your concerns in the back of her mind that perhaps will give her a push.


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## Vivid Melody (Apr 25, 2011)

What do you mean by she started getting aggressive? She was upset at him like a normal person and felt like she provoked him, or what? 

I agree that you're probably not in danger of offending her or pushing her away if pretty much all her friends are saying the same thing. I also think ESFJ's tend to value the opinions of their friends a lot due to Fe -- sometimes to a fault, so she'll probably take whatever you say into consideration to some degree, even if she acts otherwise. And just because she thinks they're fated to be together today, doesn't mean she'll always believe that. It's just a way that Fe sometimes romanticizes a relationship, in my opinion.

I don't think it's very useful to just say, "dump him." I think it's more effective to gently help her look at the unhealthy patterns that are there by pointing out that it's never justified for anyone to hurt her, no matter how intense an argument gets. Or however you want to phrase it. Sometimes it helps to ask questions, so people can self-reflect on their own. Be the voice of reason and see how receptive she is to it. Then adjust based on the response you receive. If she shuts down or you find that it hits a nerve, then don't push. I think that's the best you can do. I think just being an active presence and support in her life, no matter what you choose to say, goes a long way too.

Beyond that, maybe suggest she seek out therapy if she's open to it and especially distressed, so she can come to realize the unhealthy patterns she follows in her relationships on her own and hopefully finds out what it's rooted in.


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## Flabarac Brupip (May 9, 2020)

Bella2016 said:


> And just by the way, in case he isn't even a Christian, Christians shouldn't date, let alone marry, unbelievers (need arguments: look it up on-line; plenty of articles available).


That's okay because some of us "unbelievers" won't date Christians either.


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## Negotiator (Mar 15, 2018)

VinnieBob said:


> Tell her that you fucked him😂
> worrks like a charm


Weirdly enough, her ex fiance asked me out for dinner after they'd broken up...


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## Zeri (Jan 23, 2018)

Vivid Melody said:


> What do you mean by she started getting aggressive? She was upset at him like a normal person and felt like she provoked him, or what?
> 
> I agree that you're probably not in danger of offending her or pushing her away if pretty much all her friends are saying the same thing. I also think ESFJ's tend to value the opinions of their friends a lot due to Fe -- sometimes to a fault, so she'll probably take whatever you say into consideration to some degree, even if she acts otherwise. And just because she thinks they're fated to be together today, doesn't mean she'll always believe that. It's just a way that Fe sometimes romanticizes a relationship, in my opinion.
> 
> ...


Agreed with this. Saying "dump him" just because of the fight (which she might be able to rationalize because of her own aggression) or because her friends are saying the same thing, may not be the most effective or persuasive way to go about things. Try to list the reasons that she should break up (unhealthy relationship patterns), and provide examples of his bad behaviour where you can. Maybe also try to confront the dissonance between her feeling that God wants this relationship for her and those unhealthy relationship patterns (would God want somebody for her who treats her badly?" etc). That feeling that the relationship is God-ordained probably keeps her holding on, so I would really try to dig into that perception with her.


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## Negotiator (Mar 15, 2018)

Vivid Melody said:


> What do you mean by she started getting aggressive? She was upset at him like a normal person and felt like she provoked him, or what?


She started getting physical by pushing him after he'd yelled at her. And after that he also got physical.


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

Negotiator said:


> She started getting physical by pushing him after he'd yelled at her. And after that he also got physical.


They're both responsible for their toxicity.


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## Vivid Melody (Apr 25, 2011)

Negotiator said:


> She started getting physical by pushing him after he'd yelled at her. And after that he also got physical.


I agree that they're both responsible for their behavior. It just sounds like a toxic relationship on both sides and I hope they find healing soon. I would hate for things to end up as the worst-case scenario like the Gabby and Brian case as mia-me mentioned.


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## Lonewaer (Jul 14, 2014)

Negotiator said:


> She started getting physical by pushing him after he'd yelled at her. And after that he also got physical.


Golden. She should break up with him because of a physical altercation that _she_ initiated ? That's interesting, what makes you think she wouldn't do that with the next person she's with ? What makes you think she's not the toxic one in that situation ?

So : what has _he_ done to provoke her getting physical with him ? Then does what he did _justify_ the escalation ? And if he did something that justify an escalation, what did _she_ do to provoke and justify an escalation of his ? You gotta peel the layers here. So far from what you've said she's escalated it and she's getting what she deserves, and not less than what she deserve. Sounds to me like a healthy dose of big ol' equality right there.


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## Bella2016 (Mar 5, 2013)

Ock said:


> That's okay because some of us "unbelievers" won't date Christians either.


I approve of that.


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## Negotiator (Mar 15, 2018)

Lonewaer said:


> Golden. She should break up with him because of a physical altercation that _she_ initiated ? That's interesting, what makes you think she wouldn't do that with the next person she's with ? What makes you think she's not the toxic one in that situation ?
> 
> So : what has _he_ done to provoke her getting physical with him ? Then does what he did _justify_ the escalation ? And if he did something that justify an escalation, what did _she_ do to provoke and justify an escalation of his ? You gotta peel the layers here. So far from what you've said she's escalated it and she's getting what she deserves, and not less than what she deserve. Sounds to me like a healthy dose of big ol' equality right there.


Of course, she being my friend and not him means that I can only influence her. I don't condone that she pushed him, but I'm slightly worried because manipulative people in my past have triggered me to the point of pushing them as well. So maybe I'm too forgiving because of this.

What's really concerning is that she is sorry and looking if she can see a therapist. Whereas he isn't sorry and still angry, so not even taking her calls. Regardless of who initiated it, I always think you should be sorry if things got that heated.


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## recycled_lube_oil (Sep 30, 2021)

> What's really concerning is that she is sorry and looking if she can see a therapist. Whereas he isn't sorry and still angry, so not even taking her calls.


Sounds like he may be dumping her, so I wouldn't sweat it. Probably best for him if she is constantly violent and provoking him.

Glad she is going to get help.


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## Lonewaer (Jul 14, 2014)

Negotiator said:


> Of course, she being my friend and not him means that I can only influence her. I don't condone that she pushed him, but I'm slightly worried because manipulative people in my past have triggered me to the point of pushing them as well. So maybe I'm too forgiving because of this.
> 
> What's really concerning is that she is sorry and looking if she can see a therapist. Whereas he isn't sorry and still angry, so not even taking her calls. Regardless of who initiated it, I always think you should be sorry if things got that heated.


That's the thing, if he feels wronged, there is no reason why he should be sorry. I know I'm like that.

When I feel wronged, I not only am not sorry, but I double back on what others sometimes think I should be apologizing about. That's generally the point when if people keep talking to me/pushing me, I become harsher/mean, and I still won't be sorry. And that's a feeling that settles long term, I'm not emotionally flimsy : if someone gets me to a certain emotional point, it settles and it becomes part of me, unless it's not justified. But that's a re-evaluation that has to happen on my own, in my own time, without new input, without anyone trying to influence me, so trying to actively get me to change my mind is pointless and counterproductive. It's not something I regret after the night passes, because the day after I still feel wronged. When I recall certain things that happened in my early life, I still feel like I've been wronged at the time. Some people are still paying for that in one way or another, and there isn't anything to make me change my mind.

At this point your friend can only hope that this guy is not like me, because if so, he is feeling perfectly justified (and so far he's objectively in the right), is not and will never be sorry, and that doesn't have to be manipulation of any kind. Escalating to the point of getting physical, it's a huge deal, because HE risks consequences for it, she doesn't. That's why he didn't escalate it to that point and why she felt at ease doing it. It's much less dangerous for her to do it, in fact she risks absolutely nothing, however if he didn't respond in kind to her becoming physically aggressive and called the cops instead, the cops would have arrested him, not her. That's how much of a bad idea it is for him, and that's how much of a terrible person she is for having done it. If I was him that would be an automatic break up, with no redemption possible for her. She's a danger, because she's willing/capable to make that escalation. It's dangerous for the men around her because that could destroy their lives, and it's dangerous for her because the moment she does that with the wrong man, she will be in danger of dying, or at the very least to go straight to the hospital. She doesn't realize how much a skinny man could mess her up.

At this point, after having developed on that, I think you should tell _him_ to break up with her and to stay away from her, if that's not already what he's going to do, for both of their sake, then tell her that you told him to break up and why, and more importantly, to tell _her_ to calm down significantly, and yes, encourage her to see a therapist, just for this violence issue that she has. Her, well, she seems to regret what she's done, so she probably still wants him, so telling her to break up with him is utterly pointless. So he has to do it, and she has to stay single and get into therapy, not for that fight in particular, but for her violence issues in general, and at this point, probably emotional instability issues too.


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## Negotiator (Mar 15, 2018)

Lonewaer said:


> That's the thing, if he feels wronged, there is no reason why he should be sorry. I know I'm like that.
> 
> When I feel wronged, I not only am not sorry, but I double back on what others sometimes think I should be apologizing about. That's generally the point when if people keep talking to me/pushing me, I become harsher/mean, and I still won't be sorry. And that's a feeling that settles long term, I'm not emotionally flimsy : if someone gets me to a certain emotional point, it settles and it becomes part of me, unless it's not justified. But that's a re-evaluation that has to happen on my own, in my own time, without new input, without anyone trying to influence me, so trying to actively get me to change my mind is pointless and counterproductive. It's not something I regret after the night passes, because the day after I still feel wronged. When I recall certain things that happened in my early life, I still feel like I've been wronged at the time. Some people are still paying for that in one way or another, and there isn't anything to make me change my mind.
> 
> ...


I understand what you mean. I'm just wondering if you read that he had become physical as well? Because if both sides got physical, I think both should be sorry. I mean, the better response would be not to go there as well, and instead shut down the argument by leaving and indeed, not being sorry then.


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## Lonewaer (Jul 14, 2014)

Negotiator said:


> I understand what you mean. I'm just wondering if you read that he had become physical as well? Because if both sides got physical, I think both should be sorry. I mean, the better response would be not to go there as well, and instead shut down the argument by leaving and indeed, not being sorry then.


I read it, yes. He didn't initiate it, it was only a response to her escalation, it's an important distinction to make. Like I said earlier, that's equality. One might think that's childish thinking (« she started it »), but I don't think that conclusion stands when if he doesn't respond in kind and calls the police instead, he's still the one at fault. There's no winning here, the alternative is to let her abuse him physically, and that's… acceptable ? No, certainly not. And one has to be a spineless idiot to take it and leave. There are boundaries to not cross, one does cross them at their own risks and perils. Pacifism doesn't work, never has. Pacifism is the understanding to not cross certain lines in the interest of everyone, and if they're crossed, it's war/open conflict. It's the threat of violence. That's what happened. She crossed the line. Yelling is a last resort to be heard, it's the last stand of the boundary, that's when she should have understood not to push it further. She did, and she got checked. Also, she's fine, it's very important for her to keep that in mind. She won't always be so lucky.

Also, if she's getting violent with him, what this tells me is she has never been checked by anyone, in a way that she understands, and probably never respected him in the first place. It's extremely risky for him to have done that, but that doesn't seem wrong to me, specifically in an era when everyone is crying about "equality". She needed to get checked. So as it was "a" right thing to do, I don't think he should be sorry for that. Plus, look at it now : she called him multiple times after that, he's not answering. That means she now respects him, and still wants him, potentially even more. Except he now doesn't seem to want anything to do with her, which is further enforcement of his boundaries that she crossed.

I get the "it shouldn't happen either way", too, I really do, however, "could"s, "should"s, "would"s, that's all nice, but that's not "is". How are people to deal with it when it actually happens ? My thing is this : if you put your hands on someone, expect to get smacked in return. No complaints, no whining, no wanting them to apologize, no exception, and certainly no gender preferential treatment. Just take the L and move on. And sadly here, women only decide to cross the line or not, not what happens when they do, so it's up to their judgment.

Overall I think women have an extremely poor understanding of violence in general. For men, it underlies every single interaction in the world, especially when even simple disagreements start to emerge ; that's why most interactions between men are much more cordial, because all parties understand that if a line is crossed, something can and probably will happen. For women that's not even on their radar most of the time, because it's socially unacceptable to direct violence towards women, and that's why situations like the one with your friend happen in the first place.


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## Negotiator (Mar 15, 2018)

Lonewaer said:


> I read it, yes. He didn't initiate it, it was only a response to her escalation, it's an important distinction to make. Like I said earlier, that's equality. One might think that's childish thinking (« she started it »), but I don't think that conclusion stands when if he doesn't respond in kind and calls the police instead, he's still the one at fault. There's no winning here, the alternative is to let her abuse him physically, and that's… acceptable ? No, certainly not. And one has to be a spineless idiot to take it and leave. There are boundaries to not cross, one does cross them at their own risks and perils. Pacifism doesn't work, never has. Pacifism is the understanding to not cross certain lines in the interest of everyone, and if they're crossed, it's war/open conflict. It's the threat of violence. That's what happened. She crossed the line. Yelling is a last resort to be heard, it's the last stand of the boundary, that's when she should have understood not to push it further. She did, and she got checked. Also, she's fine, it's very important for her to keep that in mind. She won't always be so lucky.
> 
> Also, if she's getting violent with him, what this tells me is she has never been checked by anyone, in a way that she understands, and probably never respected him in the first place. It's extremely risky for him to have done that, but that doesn't seem wrong to me, specifically in an era when everyone is crying about "equality". She needed to get checked. So as it was "a" right thing to do, I don't think he should be sorry for that. Plus, look at it now : she called him multiple times after that, he's not answering. That means she now respects him, and still wants him, potentially even more. Except he now doesn't seem to want anything to do with her, which is further enforcement of his boundaries that she crossed.
> 
> ...


I do get where you're coming from. I mean, I'm kinda on my high horse when I say you shouldn't become aggressive too, while if the situation arises, I'd probably slap back. In any case, I'd think afterward you have to recognize that kinda behavior is not OK and it's time to call it quits. But good point that I might have to tell my friend she should discuss with her therapist that she has issues too.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

Negotiator said:


> She started getting physical by pushing him after he'd yelled at her. And after that he also got physical.


Unfortunately, if you are a close friend, you may have to make a hard choice as to whether you want to be witness to the probable outcome, or distance yourself out of self-preservation. You can tell her that you are there, day or night, if she needs someplace to stay, but you cannot watch her destroy her life because she chooses to remain in a clearly toxic relationship. Tell her the truth. Tell her that you love her and it pains you to watch her go through this but maybe she has to in order to learn. It isn't "normal" or healthy for two people to treat each other the way they are treating each other. Tell her you are only saying this because you care. 

If she's totally sucked into the codependency and addiction of being in this relationship, she's probably going to throw it back on you and resent you for calling her out. She may say some nasty and hurtful things. You should be prepared for that. Best case scenario, she breaks down and admits she's in too deep and needs help. I would expect the former before the latter, but who knows? 

The chances are good that, if they remain together, one of them is going to wind up hospitalized, or worse, and the odds fall heavily on the female because men are stronger and have a tendency towards more aggressive violence when angered, but it doesn't always go that way. She could just as easily be the aggressor, given the right circumstances. There's a lot of pain here and not a lot of good choices.


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## ENFPathetic (Apr 3, 2018)

Negotiator said:


> Well, they've gotten into a physical fight. The fight was his fault, but she started getting aggressive so she blames herself. She also thinks God wants them to be together.
> 
> How do I convince someone who has never been single in her adult life to dump him?


Based on what you've shared, the problem isn't necessarily the guy. It seems like your friend is naive and lacks basic common sense. Teach her what she is lacking. If she won't hear it from you, convince her to talk to someone she will listen to who has some sense.

If you convince her to leave this guy, she will eventually get into another relationship, get into disagreements, handle them poorly, and you will back to square one.

Make it crystal clear to her that disagreements are a normal and healthy part of any relationship. Turning them into shouting matches is immature, but it's the norm for a lot of people and they just forgive each other most of the time. Getting physical is completely unacceptable and down right stupid when you know you're going to come off worse if the other person decides to match your energy.

The fact that you're having to convince your friend to dump him tells me the guy is probably a naive idiot as well. He should have gotten rid of her the moment she turned their fight into a physical one. Even so. Your friend's biggest problem is herself.


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## Negotiator (Mar 15, 2018)

ENFPathetic said:


> Based on what you've shared, the problem isn't necessarily the guy. It seems like your friend is naive and lacks basic common sense. Teach her what she is lacking. If she won't hear it from you, convince her to talk to someone she will listen to who has some sense.
> 
> If you convince her to leave this guy, she will eventually get into another relationship, get into disagreements, handle them poorly, and you will back to square one.
> 
> ...


Hmm, well she's also been unlucky, having had a lot of toxic relationships where she was beaten, cheated on etc. So now her bf started a fight over nothing, she got triggered. Question is how to avoid these triggers?


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## ENFPathetic (Apr 3, 2018)

Negotiator said:


> Hmm, well she's also been unlucky, having had a lot of toxic relationships where she was beaten, cheated on etc. So now her bf started a fight over nothing, she got triggered. Question is how to avoid these triggers?


Unlucky or irresponsible? If she keeps ending up in these toxic relationships, I would wager that she is irresponsible and is just blaming everyone else.

We don't know if it was over nothing. We only have her side of the story. Also, the fact that she's been beaten before and still had the audacity to get physical with this guy is very alarming.

I'm starting to think your friend thinks this is the norm. I once dated a girl who would get mad at me for walking away instead of "putting her in her place" whenever she got too lippy. She was genuinely convinced that I couldn't have been into her because I never put her head through a wall.

Ultimately I think your friend needs professional help. The best thing you can personally do to help is to treat her with kindness. Who knows. Maybe something will click in her head and realise that love doesn't have to be toxic. Whatever you do, don't let her drag you down with her.


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## Negotiator (Mar 15, 2018)

ENFPathetic said:


> Unlucky or irresponsible? If she keeps ending up in these toxic relationships, I would wager that she is irresponsible and is just blaming everyone else.
> 
> We don't know if it was over nothing. We only have her side of the story. Also, the fact that she's been beaten before and still had the audacity to get physical with this guy is very alarming.
> 
> ...


What do you mean by maybe she's irresponsible?

And yes. It's strange that she's violent even tho she's been beaten before. But maybe it's monkey see monkey do. When I was a child, my mom used to throw things. I hated it, but in my first relationship I was the exact same way. Only now do I hate fighting and never argue anymore.


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## ENFPathetic (Apr 3, 2018)

Negotiator said:


> What do you mean by maybe she's irresponsible?
> 
> And yes. It's strange that she's violent even tho she's been beaten before. But maybe it's monkey see monkey do. When I was a child, my mom used to throw things. I hated it, but in my first relationship I was the exact same way. Only now do I hate fighting and never argue anymore.


Some people only see relationships as something they get value out of and not as something they contribute towards. And so, for better or worse, they only see the part that their partner plays in the relationship and not the part that they themselves have to play. This is a common irresponsible mindset that always leads to resentment and toxic behaviour in any type of relationship. Especially common with young people.

I agree. Our parents play a huge role in defining what is normal to us. I was beaten when I misbehaved growing up and for a long time my first instinct was to hit my son when he misbehaved. Luckily I knew that even though it was hard, I had to take responsibility for my instincts and calmly talk to my son instead.

I think you should talk to your friend about your past issues with throwing things. It might get her thinking about her issues with escalating fights. And then you can finish with how you overcame your issue, and maybe she will think about how she can overcome hers.


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

Negotiator said:


> Hmm, well she's also been unlucky, having had a lot of toxic relationships where she was beaten, cheated on etc. So now her bf started a fight over nothing, she got triggered. Question is how to avoid these triggers?


It never occurred to you that she may have initiated the violence in her other relationships?


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## TheCosmicHeart (Jun 24, 2015)

Negotiator said:


> Well, they've gotten into a physical fight. The fight was his fault, but she started getting aggressive so she blames herself. She also thinks God wants them to be together.
> 
> How do I convince someone who has never been single in her adult life to dump him?


Shes got to get there on her own, to get to a place where she's willing to listen and until till then you'll just be running at windmills trying to get her to listen especially if she's of the mindset they are meant to be together, all you can do is be there for her and try to patiently wait , hopefully it won't get much worse then it already has


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

Negotiator said:


> I understand what you mean. I'm just wondering if you read that he had become physical as well? Because if both sides got physical, I think both should be sorry. I mean, the better response would be not to go there as well, and instead shut down the argument by leaving and indeed, not being sorry then.


Some abusive partners try to provoke the other into violence, in order to justify a violent response.

When I hear stuff like this--I think it's better to just go for the least harmful solution for both of them (whether he is a chronic abuser and she was acting out of character or either way) and for them to separate.

It's not unheard of though, for an abusive partner to escalate a conflict, in an attempt to get the target to lash out, and then use that lashing out as justification to abuse (and also tell everyone else that the other partner was abusive). Abuse can be very nasty, and the people who think it's okay to coerce a partner using force are often not very nice people.

She should not engage in violence, and she should seek counseling from a domestic violence counselor...

Women can be abusive, but by and large, women are more likely to be seriously abused by a male partner or killed by him. So it's pretty serious either way. If she goes to a counselor then they could also talk to her even if she is abusive, because they do abuse counseling for both targets and abusers.

Don't expect him to be sorry, and it doesn't matter if he is. It's serious regardless of whether either of them are sorry or not.


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

Negotiator said:


> What do you mean by maybe she's irresponsible?
> 
> And yes. It's strange that she's violent even tho she's been beaten before. But maybe it's monkey see monkey do. When I was a child, my mom used to throw things. I hated it, but in my first relationship I was the exact same way. Only now do I hate fighting and never argue anymore.


There are different types of abuse.

Imo, in a domestic violence situation though, usually one partner will have a pattern of using violence to coerce and get their way. 

It's not really just some passion thing--where someone gets really mad and hits something, but a lot of times you will see a pattern emerge where one partner is controlling the entire relationshp, and the other partner starts taking responsibility for everything, including the abusive partner's rage and aggression.

Sometimes the recipients of abuse do snap or they do lash out, and then they feel like they are equally (or more) responsible for the abusive dynamic that emerges. And if the abuser is smart, they will try to convince the target that it is the targets fault (could be because she cooked something wrong, could be because she pushed him once etc.)

The lines can get blurred in an abusive relationship--though abusers generally aren't sorry because it's really not as "in the moment of passion" as they try to pretend. Oftentimes it's a slow shift of power in the relationship--a strategic way of coercing and intimidating another person and controlling them with violence.

And it is often very confusing for the victim, because abusers usually won't be abusive of the same level all the time, they will love bomb, and they will sometimes not abuse, shift the goal posts etc.

Violence is never the answer, but if she's sorry...hm...maybe you can get her to go to counseling to "improve" her relationship, and the counselor will hopefully be able to talk some sense into her?

But I agree that you can't force her or push it.

For abuse victims, one of the most important things you can do is just be there. Because abusers will also usually try to isolate their target--get her to feel so guilty, and so fucked up, that she doesn't want to tell anyone or perhaps loses touch with her family and friends, and that just adds to the power of the abuser over her.

So just being there for your friend, to listen to them, if they ever need help...that's huge. And then you can, if she ever needs to escape, help her with rational escape plans.

Such as...do not tell the abuser (should the violence get worse) that you are leaving. 

If a fight breaks out...leave the kitchen, because that's where the knives are...kitchens can be dangerous places.

And she could even have a code word or phrase that if she needs help, she can communicate that without him knowing (because sometimes domestic violence victims can end up being controlled by the abusive partner or watched by them.

I mean, hopefully that never happens.

Best thing would be that she would just leave, go to a counselor, and then figure out how to deal with her own past history of trauma and abuse, because it's probably partly why she's in this relationship to begin with.

Counselors are always helpful too--if she would see one.


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

I don't know if she'd be receptive, but you could introduce her or send some clip or something by Lundy Bancroft. He sort of goes into abuse dynamics and perhaps it could allow her to be aware in case a dynamic like this begins to emerge. 

Plus, imo he's so attractive. I didn't remember that till I looked him up again just now. I can't help it--he's hot to me, because of how he cares about women and also just hot imo. Idk if she will or if others will, but my gosh, when a guy cares about women it's pretty sexy.












I would love to give a good article, but I am not sure which one or clip. He did write a book called "Why Does He Do That?" which might be a helpful gift? idk.

But it can be really powerful, too, to hear such things from a man.








It's Not Your Fault When You Give In | Lundy Bancroft


A lot of abusive men use relentlessness as one of their most powerful tactics.




lundybancroft.com







> A lot of abusive men use *relentlessness* as one of their most powerful tactics.
> 
> Consider this question: Does your partner sometimes (or often) keep after you with a never-ending stream of badgering, criticism, pressure, and guilt-tripping? And is the result that you end up giving in when you really don’t want to, because you can’t stand the pressure anymore?
> 
> ...


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## Negotiator (Mar 15, 2018)

Update: She's dumped the guy because she fell in love with another dude. In any case, he was ignoring her for weeks and got confused when she said she was really ending it. She says the new guy is her soulmate.


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## shameless (Apr 21, 2014)

Negotiator said:


> Update: She's dumped the guy because she fell in love with another dude. In any case, he was ignoring her for weeks and got confused when she said she was really ending it. She says the new guy is her soulmate.


I think this toxic crap will keep happening to her. Why because she is a love jumper. To say you fall in love with all those people before working out the kinks to your old relationship, and just jumping to a new relationship is an incredibly unhealthy toxic pattern. 

Just to me as a single those are the key people who spook me. I don’t want to end up with the people who relationship and love bounce. 

Now what I’m about to say isn’t to say I think my approach is just healthy always either. But considering the flack I’ve gotten for just hooking up from some people and how stigmatized that is in society. I’ve never understood why in the word the love whores don’t get equal hate. 🤣🤷🏻‍♀️. 

I mean at least I check my feelings at the door and don’t bring my unresolved shit to the next person and call it all love. When really all she is doing is recycling the same shit habits and trauma bonding most likely with people. As callous as one could say I can be with my body which I view as an instrument. I could never be so frivolous with my mind and emotions. Or my soul. 

I agree with Wicker, you should passively send her some articles that she should read. And plant the seed. Or just be really direct the next time one of these ridiculous relationships she keeps jumping into blows up. 

I will say I have an incredibly harsh bias with this and am very critical. Because I was a product of parents who love jumped and were never single. Which you didn’t make it sound like she has kids yet. But people like this don’t stop doing that when they have kids. They are really quick to introduce new partners into their kids lives too and play Brady bunch etc. My sister and I absolutely judge our mom harshly for relationship jumping and never being single. Moving from one man to the next. And our mom is still trying to do this now even at almost 60 yrs old.

What meaning does her saying she loves anybody even have? How much stock? There’s no meaning in it. She doesn’t even love herself. And she sure as hell doesn’t understand what deeper love is, if she just relationship and love rebounds and always says it. I think that’d be worth pointing out to her.


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## shameless (Apr 21, 2014)

As for a majority of friends choosing to be in toxic ass relationships well I can relate to your concern as a bystander. And frankly you don’t sound irritated but I sometimes feel irritated watching these train wrecks. 

I don’t expect everyone to all be perfect and happy and hunky dory always. But I’m as a bystander sometimes depressed being a bystander seeing so many people elect to be in such toxic relationships rather than single. 

I have one friend who chooses to be with a guy who brings 3 kids to the table, on top of the two she had with him. Who the last 4 years has put her through hell with his addiction. Extremes of suddenly sober preacher to nut case binging a liter of Vodka and sneaking off to do bumps of meth. I am dumbfounded how she can even allow this dumfuck around her toddler children. I wouldn’t even let him in the house. And I can say that, that was really a line I drew once upon a time long long ago. So the fact she doesn’t love herself enough to throw him out is one thing. But the fact she wants her kids exposed to this, wtf 🤦🏻‍♀️. 

My other friend is with a serial cheater. Now it’s not that I condone his cheating. I don’t. But he has revealed this trait the last decade and she chose to keep pushing relationship on him he doesn’t want to be in. So this girl naively at 35 years old thought to bring a baby in the mix might help 🤣. Fast forward baby is here. She calls me on New Years Eve. New Years fucken Eve. Me a single person with almost grown children. Not an infant at home. She calls at like 9:30pm to pressure me to come over so she doesn’t have to be alone because dumbfuck stood her and baby up and is hanging out with other chick. I kinda got abrasive with her and she’s pissed right now at me. 

But I was like…’ X has shown over and over who he is. I’m not happy he treated you like that, but to call me as a plan B on New Years Eve at the last second and dump this crap on. And then say if I don’t come hang out you’ll drive to your bros with your premie baby in the below zero elements just to not be alone? It’s incredibly unsafe to drive your baby out in these conditions and say you’ll do so if I don’t come over’. I told her… If she keeps choosing this lifestyle that’s what she can expect. But to put that on other people? ‘We aren’t the ones who had plans with you and stood you up, and are treating you like garbage’. 

So anyways I’m about sick of the love addicted bunch. I’ll hang with the other single whores they are way less fucken drama 🤣

Anyways that was my point. Outside calling out their rose colored glasses in their most toxic significant stand out moments. It doesn’t usually pay to intervene. Or concern yourself people rarely listen to other people’s insight when choosing to be toxic. So while I will usually make a reminder disclosure statement every once a year or two when something significant comes up to call out their toxic choices. Outside that I leave them be. It’s their business if that is what they want for their life. No point trying to talk sense, change minds, or trying to rescue anyone who won’t save themselves. I’d say outside sporadic statement when it’s due. Best you can do is just be there for the friend. But not in a way that condones, enables, or permits them to feel entitled to on demand counsel when their dum shit blows up in their face. I just focus on when I’m hanging out with these friends trying to build up their self esteem and telling them how much they could have in life etc.


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

I thought about a person I used to know--we would vent to each other--she wasn't in an abusive relationship but she had cheated on her boyfriend (she was an ISFJ), and how she was thinking about doing it again because the other guy made her feel romantic whereas she felt like a sibling with her boyfriend.

I don't really understand that dynamic--I can't imagine doing that or even staying with someone I feel like a sibling to, but I used to talk to her about it, and just listen to her and what she wanted.

And sometimes I might help her find insight by just trying to reflect back what seemed to be going on...I think just having someone to talk to might have helped.

Anyway, she established that what she really wanted in life was to start a family and get married (her boyfriend was probably some kind of P--maybe SFP and he was dragging his feet...basically not wanting to take the relationship to the next level, whereas she was seeing all her friends marry and have kids). Anyway--it seemed like it might have helped because within the year she ended her relationship with her boyfriend and got engaged to some rich guy who wanted to start a family, so idk...but I do sort of think that just having the opportunity to talk about it helped her figure out what to do. She hadn't told anyone else in her life about the cheating (and here I am blabbing on the internet, but no one knows her and it was years ago and I have issues to talk about too), and I think it helped for her to bring it to the forefront of her attention.

I thought of this because of @Sensational s last sentence about talking about what one could have in her life. Though with this person, she was not in love with her boyfriend anymore, I don't think--so she was just kind of staying in a relationship for who knows why. But it does help to have someone to talk to about it--same in abusive relationships too, which is also why a lot of times as a relationship gets more abusive, it also gets more isolated and the target of abuse loses touch with people who could help them see things differently.


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## shameless (Apr 21, 2014)

WickerDeer said:


> I thought about a person I used to know--we would vent to each other--she wasn't in an abusive relationship but she had cheated on her boyfriend (she was an ISFJ), and how she was thinking about doing it again because the other guy made her feel romantic whereas she felt like a sibling with her boyfriend.
> 
> I don't really understand that dynamic--I can't imagine doing that or even staying with someone I feel like a sibling to, but I used to talk to her about it, and just listen to her and what she wanted.
> 
> ...


This is what I mean by you reminding me of my daughter lol. Anytime I’d say something like exhibit A above. She’ll add a more compassionate perspective. And while she is not even lecturing (at all) she will make me feel like a guilty 5 year old for sounding like such a callous asshole about something.

Because you’re right.

IMO
Toxic people need ESTP friends to tell them every 6-12 months they are being a fucken idiot, and then an IxFP friend to work their shit out with 🤣🤣🤣.


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

Sensational said:


> This is what I mean by you reminding me of my daughter lol. Anytime I’d say something like exhibit A above. She’ll add a more compassionate perspective. And while she is not even lecturing (at all) she will make me feel like a guilty 5 year old for sounding
> like such a callous asshole about something.
> 
> Because you’re right.
> ...


I was trying to agree with you. lol Because I also think you need to have boundaries because you are right--people have to decide to help themselves. They have to want to be helped.

But it wasn't a burden to me to talk to her though I never could really be closer friends with her because I'd feel guilty if I ever saw her boyfriend, because of her choices and I'd wonder what is the right thing to do as I wanted to respect her secret but I also wouldn't want to feel like some accomplice and I'd want someone to tell me if I was cheated on, so I was really relieved when she suddenly broke up with him and went with the other guy.

I mean, she didn't seem to feel guilty about it for some reason, and I would never hang out with her or become closer friends with her, because then the chances I'd see her boyfriend would increase and I'd feel like his friend too...so I was glad to keep it all at a distance though just a listening ear sometimes.

I agree though--people do need ESTP friends to tell them to cut out their dumb shit lol Even if they won't. I am a terrible romantic--and have been in some shitty relationships and it does help when people break through a little bit of the rose colored glasses. Everyone needs a reality check sometimes.


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## shameless (Apr 21, 2014)

WickerDeer said:


> I was trying to agree with you. lol Because I also think you need to have boundaries because you are right--people have to decide to help themselves. They have to want to be helped.
> 
> But it wasn't a burden to me to talk to her though I never could really be closer friends with her because I'd feel guilty if I ever saw her boyfriend, because of her choices and I'd wonder what is the right thing to do as I wanted to respect her secret but I also wouldn't want to feel like some accomplice and I'd want someone to tell me if I was cheated on, so I was really relieved when she suddenly broke up with him and went with the other guy.
> 
> ...


🙂. Oh I knew you were agreeing in many ways. It was how much more compassionate your choice in wording is that stuck out 😉

And hell just to be clear (and no you never implied suggested or said such a thing). I don’t think my shit doesn’t stink. I mean I do my own stupid ass shit dating. 🤷🏻‍♀️. Lol. I definitely don’t recommend people follow my lead either. Fuck if I know what I’m doing. But I do know, the love obsessed bunch are a brand of scary to me lol. You don’t strike me as that at all.


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

[QUOTE="Sensational, post: 44293930, member: 92186" But I do not the love obsessed bunch are brand of scary to me lol. You don’t strike me as that at all.
[/QUOTE]

Thanks- it's good to be able to be blunt about things too--because you can't solve a problem if you don't admit it to yourself, and I think people do sometimes do that with love (they do say love is blind).

I just deal with it by avoiding it. Avoiding relationships and love. When I was with my ex, I remember complaining about him on a website and the people got so sick of it they were just like "just leave him already" but I just wanted to fix it, though part of me knew it wouldn't ever be fixed because by that point he'd already blatently refused to consider a counselor (oh and get this gem...I met him while he was seeing a counselor for abusers...through the womens' shelter. I was THAT dumb, but then again I was like 23 or something and he was in his late thirties). 

The only way I managed to leave him was to convince myself that 1) he didn't love me and it was all a lie and 2) I would force myself to think of all the reasons I hated him--of all his negative qualities only, and say really mean and negative things in my head. And finally I was able to break free and let go.

And I haven't been in a relationship since because I just don't trust myself. I get infatuations and I've had weirdly romantic friendship, but I deal with it by avoiding it. Because I don't want to make the same foolish mistake again.

I think my dad's an ESTP and it was funny--he never liked the guy, he couldn't ever stand to be around him because he'd have to be polite enough to him for my sake. It's funny because to some people my dad's very soft and caring, and to others nothing will change how much he dislikes them. But I think it's because he cares.


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## shameless (Apr 21, 2014)

WickerDeer said:


> [QUOTE="Sensational, post: 44293930, member: 92186" But I do not the love obsessed bunch are brand of scary to me lol. You don’t strike me as that at all.
> 
> 
> Thanks- it's good to be able to be blunt about things too--because you can't solve a problem if you don't admit it to yourself, and I think people do sometimes do that with love (they do say love is blind).
> ...


I can’t tell ya what to do or who to be. And I don’t know all the in and out. And I can relate to not trusting yourself.

I just wanted to say, I’m sure you’ve had a lot of growth since then. I consider you incredibly well rounded. There’s no guarantees ever, so I’d never advise you to not listen to your own heart and head.

I was just getting at that, I hope you don’t punish yourself for listening to your heart. I definitely wouldn’t tell ya to take a nose dive. All I’m saying is don’t underestimate the power in your experience, and the wisdoms you have with age and maturity.

I know how ya feel though in some aspects. Some of what you described I definitely get very much, after I broke up with my ex girlfriend. As far as trusting myself in judgement and my heart. I can’t speak for you though. As painful as all of that experience was to go through and recover from (deceit, lies, cheating, being sold out publicly… literally sold out publicly with the loss of a job and her turning her back on me)… I wouldn’t really trade any of it. Although in retrospect I understand now it was a facade in her case. I still wouldn’t change the feelings I was able to feel and experience. And I know one day I’d like to feel that again with another person. 🤷🏻‍♀️ 🤗.


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## Souls (Jan 13, 2022)

Negotiator said:


> Well, they've gotten into a physical fight. The fight was his fault, but she started getting aggressive so she blames herself. She also thinks God wants them to be together.
> 
> How do I convince someone who has never been single in her adult life to dump him?


She not going to leave him until she is ready, it sounds like she is delusional!


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## Dezir (Nov 25, 2013)

Negotiator said:


> Well, they've gotten into a physical fight. The fight was his fault, but she started getting aggressive so she blames herself. She also thinks God wants them to be together.
> 
> How do I convince someone who has never been single in her adult life to dump him?


Wow.

1. I guess you can take it slwoly.

2. There's something about bring sneaky. That it has to make sense, that it needs to be a natural break up compared with a getting along well on the other side, which is easy, given the attitude, only attraction and common interests are needed next: like talking about movies, what they do and what have they done recently. And what have you done recently, but something important.

Talk to her about this issue. Next times you talk to her just asking her how she is doing and talk about the things she or you were doing.

You should take it gradual, talk to them about casual stuff first, get to know them, become familiar with them, get from the state of strangers to acquaintances.

But even with someone you remotely know asking for a deeper connection or to talk about a potential break up is out of the blue. There's not much of a difference between "I don't know this person" and "I barely know this person". So you should probably find something you both are passionate about or something you have in common to have an excuse to communicate, and turn from acquaintances to friends. Now, when you are friends, as in that person knows you relatively well and feels comfortable with you, you are something usual in her/his life, then you can start moving from casual talk about that subject you have in common or what have both of you done lately, storytelling, to actually taking about deeper things in life: money, relationships, people, society, technology, evolution, fairness, morality, etc.

Also needs and excuse for the 2nd hook up message (explained there in that summary I know with 3 ways to approach, the "2nd time just" and there was also a mention of the attitude, on that thing with "being polite". Right close to it or in the next TXT word of being polite. First start casual or something like that. Or on the site if searched long enough.

Be polite but informal and personal. Be polite but no more polite than you would be in 5 months.

*You can simply be polite by formulating your words very nicely and asking for permission, "can I come to your place?", "can I do that?"*, "can I walk with you?", "can I do this?", "do you want me to do that?", or offering to do things for them without them actually asking. Like taking the trash or doing the small things for them, that also counts as being polite and helping them.

*Of course, don't exaggerate with this, there are situations when you don't have to ask for permission*, when it comes to small things, taking a pen and stuff like that, but what I'm trying to say is that being polite by asking for permission can be attractive for it shows common sense and good education. It essentially says that you don't want to bother people, that you're being respectful, taking into account their desires before doing something, "does it bother you if I do that?", and people appreciate that.

You don't have to be extremely polite, job interview or talking to your rigid boss level. *Be polite and relaxed, but not more polite than you would be in 5 months of being with each other*. Politeness is also about following social norms and having manners.

*Being polite will make people feel warmer around you. Like saying "please", "if possible", "would you like to", or "thank you"*. But don't overdo it because you'll sound way too formal like you're a waiter at a restaurant rather than someone trying to talk to them. You can simply be polite by helping them with small things like a gentleman, formulating your words very nicely and asking for permission.

*A polite request can make people more likely to say yes to you*. When you ask kindly someone that you're a mildly aquantiance with, if you formulate the words with something such as "could you please" or "I would like to" you're more likely to get an yes from them.

*While you should have decency and respect for close people, you shouldn't be formal with them*. Formal politeness is used for people that we don't know very well when we don't know them very well. When we deal with a person we don't know very well but is of greater age or the meeting is professional, we can be polite and formal. When we deal with a person that we don't know very well but is of similar age in a casual setting, we can be polite and informal.

In general, the further away you are with a person, the more formal you have to be, the closer you are with a person, the more informal you can to be. I wouldn't overlap polite with formal and informal. Being polite is showing behaviour that is respectful and considerate of other people. Being formal is behaving in a way suitable for or constituting an official or important occasion. While informal is the opposite, having a relaxed, friendly, or unofficial style, manner, or nature. One can be informal yet polite.

*When you start talking to someone, originally, you can be polite and informal, eventually, you will gradually become more open and honest with each other, it takes time to get to have confidence a person and develop a better bond*. Originally, you can be polite and informal saying: "please", "if possible", "would you like to", "thank you", "excuse me if I bother you". It doesn't have to be a dry or unexpressive conversation, but a polite one with decency for start. Eventually, you will gradually become more open and honest with each other, it takes time to get to have confidence a person. You can have a polite yet chilled and relaxed attitude where you talk as equals.

*Helping her would be appreciated, when she has an issue or problem offering to help can be appreciated even if it doesn't look as such*. Even small things like opening the door for her or pouring soda can be apprciated. Filling out the other person's needs is appreciated, especially if you do it in an unexpected way.

It shows common sense, it shows decency, it shows character, it shows good education.

Once you get her feel comfortable enough with you to openly talk to you about this, and not "close you off".

You got to figed out how to do it slow end on one side compared with good relationship on the other, nothing premeditated and all things considered including their relationship. The attraction needs to be higher than the relationships of her with you and even with herself since she accepts being beaten. The attraction means looks and getting along, having a good time together.

*At the end of the day, it's like a job interview:*

A firm but polite negociations, like the salary: "look, I'm in this area for a long and and I know that this is kind of the price on the market, and from this price below I'm not discussions, so this is the minimum price to go to the interview".
But you afford it because you have the power, you are the efficient one.
The background doesn't matter very much, you can finish university after 6 years because you managed to get a job on a big salary and dedicate to your work.
You can go directly on a company's website and apply on their site. Entry level, or learn things on skillshare.

It's pretty much the same here, except you're going to have to negociate with your friend.

*But, there is a question to have here, okay they are imperfect and make mistakes, but does he love her?*

Me, I want a smart woman, and someone whose personality I enjoy. Someone I would love to talk to even if it wasn't a woman. Because when it comes to sleeping, you can sleep with all of them. Find someone whose personality you love, not boring, because you can sleep with all of them.

You can have women you enjoy talking to a lot, and women who you can find quite boring, I mean their personality, it's the first one you really like, you want to be with them, you want to talk to them, you enjoy their presence, you enjoy their conversation, you enjoy their personality, this matters a lot, because in the end you can sleep with any woman. So if you wonder between Duncan and Mark, ask yourself whose personality you enjoy more when talking to.

You are out alone and want to talk to them rather than do gaming or go out with the boys, that is the difference. Eventually, you'll do both, but won't find it boring or a waste of time to talk to her.

But actually enjoyable. Because you enjoy her personality, you enjoy her presence, not because she's a woman, but because you have a great time with each other and complement each other very well, you have good spirits, that is love.

Yes, it depends what state you have, the disposition, but I'm saying in general.

A man is worth the size of his ambition - Latin proverb.

3. Don't be shameless & success makes you happy. Competence gives you happiness.
Smile, and happiness. That was the secret.
Joyfull and chill, happiness. That was the secret (plus those some conversation things. As I said before: good spirits).
Attitude is contagious, you give and take your attitude.
Do your duty, do your job, do your work at school. For it will help you and people value excelence.
Before helping people help themselves, you got to raise their morale. Make them be in a good state, then they can feel motivated enough to work without feeling like a pain. It's a boost.
Good disposition and interaction, that's the secret.

*I think he should really break up rather than just ghost him*. Regardless of how they feel right now with one another, it's a decent thing to do.

Even when a friend calls you and you don't want to/can't talk, it's still decent to tell him:
- "Bro, I'm taling with Joe, I don't know when I'm done"
And tell Joe:
- "Bro, wait 2 seconds, a friend is calling, I'll tell him I can't talk".

Even then it's considered decency, let alone when you're/was in a relationship.

Don't be too agreeable, you got to be willing to be disagreeable and honest at times "wait 2 secunds".

4. - It matters a lot what attitude you have, and when you ask for something not to be humble, you ask for it normally, like it would be something normal.

Make money so you won't have to live a tormenting life.
The mindset and being used to stuff matters a lot. Being used to stuff is made out of habbits. Like the new year resolutions now that it's jannuary 2020.


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## Negotiator (Mar 15, 2018)

Update: She broke up with him and has a new bf now. I am meeting the new guy soon.

Question: How should I handle meeting the new bf?


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## Scoobyscoob (Sep 4, 2016)

Negotiator said:


> Update: She broke up with him and has a new bf now. I am meeting the new guy soon.
> 
> Question: How should I handle meeting the new bf?


Get to know him without pre-judging him.


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## ENFPathetic (Apr 3, 2018)

Negotiator said:


> Update: She broke up with him and has a new bf now. I am meeting the new guy soon.
> 
> Question: How should I handle meeting the new bf?





Scoobyscoob said:


> Get to know him without pre-judging him.


This. He's not the guys who abused your friend in the past. Treat him normally until he gives you reason not to.


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