# Is there anyone else that 'didn't' have grandparents?



## Eren Jaegerbomb (Nov 13, 2015)

Growing up and talking to your friends, "What are you doing this weekend?", "Oh, I'm going to stay at my grandparents!". Inside thoughts *that's nice....I don't have any to go to. I don't even really know my grandparents*.
As you happily reply to your friend to have a great time, you really aren't feeling happy. You feel a little sad. *What's it like having a grandparent?* I used to think, and still do.

Yes, I have met my grandparents and have spent some time with them, but not enough time with them; and I didn't really know them either.
On one side of the family, my grandparents lived in New Zealand, on the other side, my granddad died before I was even born, and my grandma lived in a different state.
They're all dead now by the way...

Before one of my nanna's got dementia she always used to send me a card for my birthday with some pocket money. My dad would say, "(Name!) You got a card from you nanna. Open it". So I would read the card and at the end it would say XOXO Love from Nanna... I'd just look blankly at it, I didn't feel any sort of emotion, not sad or happy, just, "Oh, okay...". Then that was that. I know it sounds cold, but when you don't really know someone, you don't really have an emotional connection to them, right? 

When my grandparents on both sides passed away, I wasn't really affected by it. I think I was more sad to see my parents upset and I tried to comfort them.

So... Does anyone have a similar experience?
Or anything you'd like to talk about?


----------



## Impavida (Dec 29, 2011)

Two of my grandparents died before I was born.

Of the living ones, I saw one maybe 3-4 times because my parent was somewhat estranged from them. The other was much more involved in our lives, but was a very challenging person to deal with (most likely NPD & bipolar).

All my grandparents are now gone.

So yeah, I can definitely relate to not having that stereotypical grandparent experience growing up.


----------



## CaboBayCaptain1297 (Mar 19, 2016)

Ken Ichijouji said:


> Growing up and talking to your friends, "What are you doing this weekend?", "Oh, I'm going to stay at my grandparents!". Inside thoughts *that's nice....I don't have any to go to. I don't even really know my grandparents*.
> As you happily reply to your friend to have a great time, you really aren't feeling happy. You feel a little sad. *What's it like having a grandparent?* I used to think, and still do.
> 
> Yes, I have met my grandparents and have spent some time with them, but not enough time with them; and I didn't really know them either.
> ...


My maternal grandparents are both alive and well.
My paternal grandparents died of heart attack and cancer both at age 58. And the interesting thing is, my dads maternal grandparents are still alive today in their 90s. My great-grandfather had to bury his daughter.
It was interesting (in a sad way) on my dad's side of the family, having dead grandparents but living great-grandparents.


----------



## Doccium (May 29, 2016)

I can relate to that.

I've only met my father's parents once when I was very young - both have died a few years ago. From what I've heard about them I can tell that they weren't good parents anyway. Does this sound cold? Probably. But I don't think they were nice. Though I would've liked to meet them one last time.

My mother's parents are both alive but they don't want contact. My grandfather took care of me and my siblings when we were little a few times and I remember that I liked him but he cancelled contact to his children and grandchildren a few years ago. I haven't seen him since (sadly). And my grandmother deals with her own problems and does not care about her relatives (unless she wants something). But I would've loved to have caring grandparents.


----------



## Rascal01 (May 22, 2016)

My paternal grandmother passed 5 years before I was born. I saw my paternal grandfather 2 or 3 times when I was 3 - 5 years old. My father tried to convince me that my grandfather was his father. I couldn't grasp what that meant and just shook my head "no" in a child's disbelief. He had white hair, an impish personna and a perceptible twinkle in his eyes. Then he was gone. So my contact with grandparents on my father's side was minimal.

My mother's parents provided a home for me when my parents were unable to do so. They are long gone and I could never thank them enough.

So it is a split decision. I can't help but wonder what my father's parents were like and what I missed, leaving a hole in my life. My mother's parents were life savers and I saw them daily until I was 20.


----------



## ArmchairCommie (Dec 27, 2015)

Well my paternal grandparents died when I was still very young, as they lived in the backwaters of India so unfortunately I never met them. But my maternal grandparents are still around and as they live just the next state over I get to visit them often. So I'm lucky and fortunate enough to have gotten that "typical grandparent experience."


----------



## Shinsei (May 9, 2016)

I only know my grandmothers but my grandad's passed away before i was born.


----------



## TheGrandDesign (Mar 29, 2016)

I've had a similar experience, my maternal grandparents died before I was born and when my mum was quite young, my paternal grandfather also died before I was born and my paternal grandmother died when I was 3. So the only grandparent I knew I barely have any memories of. I do wonder what it would have been like to have grandparents from time to time.


----------



## Stachan (Jul 8, 2016)

My faternal grandfather died very young, so I unfortunately, I never had the chance to know him. My maternal granfather had a great influence on me. He was very kind, loving and caring. We used to spent very much time when we were together. He taught me how to write and read before I even entered school. One of the first things he taught me was to pray and I do it eversince he taught me to... every night I pray, thanks to him. When he died, I thought I would die with him... it left a terrible deep scar on my soul. 
Both of my grandmothers live. They are both like mothers to me....especially my maternal grandmother. 

I am very glad that I have/had my grandparents. From my perspective, it must be a terribly sad life for a child to it´s live without loving grandparents.


----------



## Nephilibata (Jan 21, 2015)

definitely

My mother is very estranged from the rest of her family, so despite both of her parents still being alive, I barely see them and certainly not enough to have built an emotional connection of any kind. All I know about them is what my mother has told me and that they send me two cards a year, one for my birthday, one for Christmas. They sign them with 'much love' every time and I get the same feeling you do. They're nothing but words to me, and although I probably should feel bad, I don't. There just isn't enough of an emotional attachment.

My paternal grandmother died before I was born. My paternal grandfather is alive and I do have memories of staying at his house when I was younger when my parents couldn't look after me. Even then, it was often his wife (he remarried and then divorced) who did things with us. Possibly he's not a very emotional person, so he didn't show affection much...he's deteriorated a lot since I was a child, so he's very different today. I still don't have much of an emotional connection with him either. I feel more guilty for this than I do toward my mother's parents. The closest thing I had to an actual grandmother was his now ex-wife.

so, you're definitely not alone. I get quite sad when my friends tell me about large family gatherings or how they get along with their parents/have disagreements because they obviously every much care, and openly at that. My family never was like that, and I suppose I kind of miss not having experienced it.


----------



## Eren Jaegerbomb (Nov 13, 2015)

Wow. Quite a few responses, all interesting (and sad) stories...
I hope you all are well.
I'm quite surprised to see how many people have had similar experiences.
And I'm sad to hear about all of your grandparents...


----------



## gyogul (Jan 26, 2014)

I technically have five grandparents; two biological, one step grandfather.

My stepgrandfather married my maternal grandmother; my maternal grandmother and grandfather never married but had 5 kids together but later separated. My step-grandfather was a meat and potatoes type of guy, but I think he loved me as his own. He would take me out and buy me things at the convenience store when I asked and talk to me like any grandparent would. He would also tell me that "I'm not your real grandpa, but I love you like I am" which really struck a cord with me. He eventually separated with my grandmum for several years ago so I haven't seen him in a long time. He's become very vilified on my maternal family's side and pretty much a taboo subject but I don't see him as a bad person at all. He had his issues yea but my grandmother sure as hell does. Typing this is actually very odd to see the difference in affection I have since I feel a spurge of emotions when talking about my step grandfather but none/little to none about any of my biological grandparents. 

My maternal grandmother is alive today and extremely distant. When I was very young and my mother went to work she would take care of me in my mother's place, but that was it. I know nothing about her as she's very detached and hard to get to know. My mother tells me that when she was about to marry my dad that my grandmum didn't react at all; didn't ask any questions, didn't ask to meet my dad, and my mom was taken aback at the lack of attention so she asked her "Don't you have any questions or concerns at all?" and my grandmother responded "No" out of apathy. To this day she carries the same trait; my cousin just recently had a child, which makes this my grandmum's first great-grandchild and my grandmum hasn't even asked to see the baby or my cousin's husband. The most shocking thing is is that my cousin lives in Chicago but she's in the city where my grandmum lives now, and she has absolutely no incentive to meet her. So to cut a long story short, I spent time with my grandmother but not any personal time. I don't know her whatsoever because she's always so focused on herself. 

My maternal grandfather I never got to see often because he was physically abusive to my grandmum and verbally abusive to my mother. He was also emotionally erratic so my mother made the decision to cut him out of his grandchildren's lives. I only recall seeing him less than 5 times out of my 18 years of living. He died a few years ago, and to be honest I don't care about him. I don't know him. At his funeral I was the only one who didn't cry; my sister, who saw him the same amount of times I did, bawled, as well as my cousins who saw him a similar amount of times for similar reasons. But I couldn't bring myself to care about a man I didn't even know. I just sat there with a stare. I remember once my sister and I were talking about our grandparents and I was calling them out by their names and my sister mentioned my maternal grandfather. I told her that I totally forgot he existed--all of this was accidentally said in front of my mother who, despite being abused by him, still loves him.

My paternal grandparents I have a stronger connection with. They would also take care of me when I went to a school in a different state (we live close to the border) and my grandfather is extremely interactive and caring albeit very controlling and manipulative. He still annoys me heavily, but I have some sort of affection towards him. My grandfather does odd jobs so he was often out the house and I would be alone with my grandmum, and because she's relatively frail for her age I would help her out and I developed affection towards her, mostly from a sympathetic standpoint, but I still love her nonetheless.


----------



## nádej (Feb 27, 2011)

I only knew my grandmothers. My paternal grandfather died when my dad was eight. My maternal grandfather died a couple months after I was born. Both of my grandmothers died when I was in high school, but I was close with my maternal grandmother while she was alive. I was less close with my paternal grandmother, but still saw her often.

I always always always wanted to have a grandfather around. One of my dad's older cousins was married to a man who looked like Santa Claus and was so kind and warm and grandfatherly. I took to him as a surrogate grandfather, but he died when I was eight. I recently was given a box of some my maternal grandfather's writings: letters and poems and such. I cried and cried and cried reading them because they were a really intimate window into a person I never knew, but am often told I am quite similar to. I feel lucky to have that.

It used to surprise me a lot as a kid when friends of mine had whole sets of grandparents around. I was thankful for what I had, and it was normal to me, and I was especially grateful for my maternal grandmother who was an absolutely incredible woman and a fantastic grandma to me.


----------



## Lameroid (Nov 16, 2015)

My maternal grandparents died before I was even born. My paternal grandparents could be still alive when I was born, and probably I even could have met them in my early childhood, although since my parents divorced back in 2006 I don't know much about my dad and his parents.


----------



## Glenda Gnome Starr (May 12, 2011)

My maternal grandmother died a year before I was born of a stroke, caused by poorly controlled diabetes. It was a long time ago, and no one really knew then how to take care of diabetes.
My maternal grandfather died when I was nine years old.
My paternal grandmother died when I was in high school. She had dementia.
My paternal grandfather died when I was in my early 20s. He was 95 years old.
My mom is now 95 years old.
Interestingly enough, I have a friend who is 51 years old and a widow. She is living with her 91-year-old grandmother!


----------



## lightuponlight (Jan 8, 2017)

I had grandmothers, but both of them passed away by the time I was 12.


----------



## LittleDreamer (Dec 11, 2016)

Yeah I understand. Makes me feel really sad in a way since I've missed out on so many happy memories.

I find myself getting attached to elderly people when I see them. I imagine them as my grandparents (didn't really know them) and so I try to be really nice to them. I once had an old teacher and I pretended in my head that he was my grandpa even though he wasn't nearly that old:laughing: I used to pick flowers for him:tongue:

Whenever I see someone old, I feel a certain duty to take care of them. It makes me so sad when my friends talk about getting mad that their grandparent. I don't want to invalidate what they feel but at least they have grandparents to love and get mad at.


----------



## Katie Koopa (Jun 25, 2014)

I didn't see my paternal grandparents that much when I was a kid. They lived in different states and my dad's dad wasn't always even in my dad's life anyway. My maternal grandparents are a different story though.


----------



## ECM (Apr 8, 2015)

I have two grandmothers. One is in her mid 80s and her mind has degraded quite a bit due to severe dementia/alzheimer's and is disabled. My other grandmother is in her 70's, mentally well (well, "cognizant" at least), still mobile, but fragile now. 

I have no grandfathers, both died, one before I was born, and the other when I was 4. No great grand parents.


----------



## OldAlaskan (Jan 16, 2017)

Yes, growing up without grandparents is certainly missing something. My parents moved to Alaska, just before I was born. We were totally isolated from all grandparents, aunts & uncles and cousins. The only grandparent I ever met was one grandmother who I met on her death bed a few days before she died. One of the things that motivated me to move back to the home town of my wife (at age 20) was that she had a huge extended family. It was incredible to be able to start participating in extended family gatherings on every holiday, and often parties, etc. On the down side, I never realized the complicated conflicts that create so much drama in a big extended family. All scenarios have their trade offs. The older I get the more I'm learning the lesson that no relationships are going to fill the hungers we have inside for ideal connections. If you hang out with friends when they are with their grandparents, you might even find that they provide a bit of that grandparenting nurturing that you may want. That was my experience. 
Good luck.


----------



## MrsAndrewJacoby (Apr 11, 2013)

OldAlaskan said:


> Yes, growing up without grandparents is certainly missing something. My parents moved to Alaska, just before I was born. We were totally isolated from all grandparents, aunts & uncles and cousins. The only grandparent I ever met was one grandmother who I met on her death bed a few days before she died. One of the things that motivated me to move back to the home town of my wife (at age 20) was that she had a huge extended family. It was incredible to be able to start participating in extended family gatherings on every holiday, and often parties, etc. On the down side, I never realized the complicated conflicts that create so much drama in a big extended family. All scenarios have their trade offs. The older I get the more I'm learning the lesson that no relationships are going to fill the hungers we have inside for ideal connections. If you hang out with friends when they are with their grandparents, you might even find that they provide a bit of that grandparenting nurturing that you may want. That was my experience.
> Good luck.


I can relate to this. My dad was in the military so we moved a lot. I spent most of my growing years living in California but most of my relatives live on the east coast. We didn't have the money to visit, so I didn't get to know any of my extended family. Both of my mom's parents and my dad's father had already died by the time I was 4 years old anyway though. During my freshman year of high school, my dad finally retired from the military and we moved to Florida. That was the first time I got to really meet any of my relatives. Now I keep in touch with my dad's relatives somewhat. I still don't know hardly any of my mom's family because she never really kept in touch with them.


----------



## Omgitsbecky (Jan 19, 2017)

I met one grandparent when I was a child and was not affected by her passing. I didn't know my grandmother well since she lived in a different country, and my other grandparents were already dead. I now have zero living grandparents and can't relate when people bring up their relationships with their grandparents.


----------



## MisterPerfect (Nov 20, 2015)

ArminMuffinArlert said:


> Growing up and talking to your friends, "What are you doing this weekend?", "Oh, I'm going to stay at my grandparents!". Inside thoughts *that's nice....I don't have any to go to. I don't even really know my grandparents*.
> As you happily reply to your friend to have a great time, you really aren't feeling happy. You feel a little sad. *What's it like having a grandparent?* I used to think, and still do.
> 
> Yes, I have met my grandparents and have spent some time with them, but not enough time with them; and I didn't really know them either.
> ...


I had a grampa but he died when I was very young. I no longer see my grandmother he was married to. Then I have my other grandmother my dads real mom who I no longer see.


----------



## psyche (Jan 5, 2011)

I only knew one of my grandparents, my maternal grandfather... He was nice, he sent me something for my birthday and Christmas every year and visited us now and again. We even moved into his house when I was thirteen, after he moved to a different place. My mom had _serious_ issues with him and he was very racist, though, so I didn't get to know him extremely well I guess.

My paternal grandfather died young of cancer. I never knew him. I never knew either of my grandmothers either; they both died young because they were _batshit_ insane. Okay, I shouldn't say that, it's mean... But seriously they had problems. My paternal grandmother was schizophrenic and addicted to the pills my uncle took for down's syndrome (I imagine they were dopamine suppressants but I don't know), and eventually she died alone of an overdose. My maternal grandmother was a hardcore alcoholic chain smoker (my mom basically raised her two younger sisters and couldn't rely on anyone, her dad was away as a Pan Am pilot most of the time), and she literally dropped dead one day, from liver failure I imagine.


----------

