# INTJ Stereotype: They Can't Say "I Love You"?



## NatB (Sep 1, 2013)

What do you think? And what are other stereotypes that help you identify INTJs? Here is the phone conversation between my mom and sister I overheard that made me think of this thread. You can tell who is the INTJ I think 



Sis: I had rough week. That's the second time I missed doing homework in the past few days!
Mom: Patience
Sis: What?
Mom: Be patient
Sis: Patient for what?
Mom: for school
Mom: Hey you know what? something is on my phone!
Sis: Yeah you know what? Frustration from school+your unintelligent responses= I am going to explode.
Mom: Why did you say I'm unintelligent?
Mom: what do you mean unintelligent?
Sis: I've been asking for help and you didn't take me seriously. I don't like that.
Mom: Say sorry to mom. Now.
Sis: .....Sorry
Mom: ok. I love you very much... Can you say that to your mom?
Sis: (silent)
Mom: Why you can't say it? Say "I love you, mom" or I will take away your cell phone.
Sis: (silent) 

Just to let you know, my sister and I love our parents very much, we are just not expressive like Fe people.


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## NatB (Sep 1, 2013)

Honestly, it would be hard for me to say "I love you", but it doesn't mean I am completely emotionless. Some people don't want to understand that.


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## Cathartes (Jul 8, 2013)

> Just to let you know, my sister and I love our parents very much, we are just not expressive like Fe people.


I prefer to show my affections via actions rather than words, that's all. I can't remember ever having told my parents that I loved them, or anyone else for that matter, though I expect I probably did as a young child; I just can't remember it. The phrase gets thrown around so much in this world that I consider it relatively worthless unless said by a person you know to be sincere, and who has never used it often before.


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## araneae (Aug 28, 2013)

For some reason I'm able to _write_ "I love you" in letters or when I'm chatting with an internet friend, but I have never _said_ it. I think if I ever did it I would feel really uncomfortable and vulnerable, so I prefer to keep avoiding it. Also I just realized no one in my family ever says it, to anyone o_o wow, no doubt I'm such a weirdo lmao. 





Cathartes said:


> *I prefer to show my affections via actions rather than words, that's all.*


EXACTLY!


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## Wartime Consigliere (Feb 8, 2011)

LOL. Why is it -hard- to say those words?

Assuming I respected someone and actually did love them (be that S/O or family), I'd find it near effortless. With family I tend to save that for moments that call for it - farewells, support through hard times, etc. Scarcity creates value, I guess. I do prefer proving my affection through actions too though, I can happily do mundane things to make the lives of those I care about that much easier to deal with. Saying I love you to family can be sooo awkward and corny with bad timing lol.

Romantically it's much easier, I think.


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## Bel Esprit (Aug 2, 2011)

Firstly, being expressive has nothing to do with Fe. My ENFJ friend is not very expressive and I'm not either, though I have abnormally high Fe, but that is due to my introversion. Secondly, I think that if you are actually incapable or uncomfortable saying "I love you" it has much more to do with maturity rather than type.

My mother is an ENFP and she's very smothering to the point where she is always coming up to me saying "I love you, I love you...why won't you say it?" This has much to do with alcohol, but I'm very reserved with my feelings unless there is a moment in which I see that my feelings have merit. This goes for any relationship. I feel things very deeply, but I often don't express them in words or don't know how. I only express feelings when I feel the situation calls for it or have a sudden explosion of bottled up emotional thoughts. 

I'm very mature in the way I handle feelings as far as admitting what I truly feel in a situation, but when people expect me to be emotional or say certain things at a time I don't truly feel the emotion, is when I will act stubbornly as your INTJ sister is doing in this conversation.

And if I may ask, is your mother an ENFP by any chance?


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## braided pain (Jul 6, 2012)

I would much rather show it than say it, because...

It's _personal_. Saying it aloud, even to my mom and dad, always makes me feel so... _exposed_. 

The more a thing means to me, the harder it is to admit it. Gotta keep the walls up, too draining otherwise.



/But that's just me. Your INTJ may vary.


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## Stelmaria (Sep 30, 2011)

I cringed a little bit when I read the dialogue.

Here is the way I saw it:

Sis: I had rough week. That's the second time I missed doing homework in the past few days!

Someone who has not made a habit of expressing their emotions is trying to open up, but instead of stating their emotions/needs they are stating a fact about what happened.

Mom: Patience

Instead of being sympathetic and trying to understand how the other person feels, instead we are offered a "solution", which has not yet been asked for.

Sis: What?
Mom: Be patient
Sis: Patient for what?
Mom: for school

Even now it the exchange is not terribly clear/specific.

Mom: Hey you know what? something is on my phone!
Sis: Yeah you know what? Frustration from school+your unintelligent responses= I am going to explode.

The lack of acknowledgement and expression of emotions has led to a conflict.
I'm not saying things can't get out of hand this quickly, but instead of an outburst like this, it is often better to take a step back. It is better to say something along the lines of "I feel frustrated/stressed due to my school experiences, I have a need for some acknowledgement and support. I would like talk about this some more" or something to that effect.

Mom: Why did you say I'm unintelligent?
Mom: what do you mean unintelligent?
Sis: I've been asking for help and you didn't take me seriously. I don't like that.
Mom: Say sorry to mom. Now.
Sis: .....Sorry
Mom: ok. I love you very much... Can you say that to your mom?
Sis: (silent)
Mom: Why you can't say it? Say "I love you, mom" or I will take away your cell phone.
Sis: (silent) 

I don't really need to comment further, passive-aggressiveness is not exactly helpful to reduce conflict. Putting myself in her shoes, I would perhaps feel reluctant to say "I love you" when being manipulated to do so in this manner.

It might not be easy to build a habit of expressing our emotions and needs, but it can certainly be useful in avoiding conflict in cases like this.


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## Entropic (Jun 15, 2012)

I don't think the conflict is evident of INTJs, Fi or any stereotypes surrounding both. I think most people would feel uncomfortable saying "I love you" in this context considering how manipulated it is. 

I would say that the conflict actually is a clash of your mother and your sister not sharing cognitive functions, though this conversation doesn't really implicate which ones specifically. Your mother seems to be an Si type though, and your sister seems to be an Fi type based on how I understand this, but I could be wrong on the latter. Quite confident on the former. Your sister seems to be some kind of Pe type, Ne or Se, I lean Se. Both of your mother and sister are probably thinkers, auxiliary or dominant, which is why the conversation turned out the way it did. Socionics predicts this quite well because when two people engage who seek emotional comfort from another do not share feeling function and it is both situated in the unconsciousness, then both will be incapable of fulfilling each other's emotional needs, which really seems to be what it is going on here.

And yes, I am not openly emotional or expressive but I think that has far more to do with my 5-ness than me being an INTJ.

As for the mother, I would be pissed off if that's what she told me too. That's why I assume she's an Si type because this is how I see Si types coming to conclusions to solve problems. If it were me, I would probably just have asked what was going on, probing for Ni depth. That's why it is likely that your sister could be Se ego, I lean ESxP.

None of them seem to be, based on this conversation, INTJs, quite honestly.


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## Pirate (Jan 2, 2013)

them: say i love you or i'll take your phone.
me: Fuck off.

My emotions, my terms. it has nothing to do with difficulty. (wether or not its difficult has little bearing on what i do/don't do if i believe it needs to be done.)


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## Stelmaria (Sep 30, 2011)

Pirate said:


> them: say i love you or i'll take your phone.
> me: Fuck off.


I can't see this ending well either. :tongue:


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## Mbaruh (Aug 22, 2013)

Like many said here before me, "love" is a word with a lot of emotional charge, if I were to say it to everyone all the time I would be making it cheap. In fact, it's quite rare for me to say it, if I ever indeed said it.
Another reason for me not to say it is because of the public reaction I would surely get from it, which is downright repelling.

Now, I noticed that some of the commenters leaned towards the sister's side and accused the mother of stuff.. what kind of INTJs are you?? objectivity should be your expertise!
No matter how I look at it, the sister didn't say anything to make the mother think she was emotionally shaken at the moment. The mother said what she thought to be the best thing to say at the moment.The only reason I can think of is she is indeed an INTJ is that she had her feelings swelling up inside her for a really, really long time and she just couldn't control herself the moment she heard something that could even slightly upset her.BUT:_


KingIndo said:



Mom: ok. I love you very much... Can you say that to your mom?
Sis: (silent)
Mom: Why you can't say it? Say "I love you, mom" or I will take away your cell phone.
Sis: (silent)

Click to expand...

_If I were in her position I wouldn't stay silent. I would say "no" and hang up.



ephemereality said:


> If it were me, I would probably just have asked what was going on, probing for Ni depth. That's why it is likely that your sister could be Se ego, I lean ESxP.


Didn't quite get that part.. you talked about the mother and then made a conclusion about the sister?


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## Entropic (Jun 15, 2012)

mbaruh said:


> Didn't quite get that part.. you talked about the mother and then made a conclusion about the sister?


If I were in the mother's position, I would have asked what would have happened instead of drawing a premature conclusion about what was going on so I have more data to deal with and can understand the situation better. Could also implicate the mother being a judging dominant since she didn't do that. Since this is not what occurred, I can draw a number of conclusions about both the mother and the daughter.


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## CurrentlyNotCaring (May 24, 2013)

It is somewhat hard for me, but it's never impossible. Saying it is awkward, though, and It makes me seem more open than usual. Also, she sounds like she was trying to ask for help, and the mother didn't give it to her. e_e' That's extremely unrealistic and too stereotypical, everyone can say "I love you." Regardless of their personality type, but some aren't as willing...


And by the way, I love you. 

Just kidding.


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## Mbaruh (Aug 22, 2013)

ephemereality said:


> If I were in the mother's position, I would have asked what would have happened instead of drawing a premature conclusion about what was going on so I have more data to deal with and can understand the situation better. Could also implicate the mother being a judging dominant since she didn't do that. Since this is not what occurred, I can draw a number of conclusions about both the mother and the daughter.


I still don't quite understand how you can draw a conclusion about the _daughter _from something the _mother _did or didn't do, but I'll trust you on that...

By the way, why isn't this thread on the INTJ forum?


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## Entropic (Jun 15, 2012)

mbaruh said:


> I still don't quite understand how you can draw a conclusion about the _daughter _from something the _mother _did or didn't do, but I'll trust you on that...


Because it instigated a reaction in the daughter based on the action of the mother. That reaction says a lot about what the daughter thinks.


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## WindowLicker (Aug 3, 2010)

INTJs do not negotiate with terrorists.


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## Barkhouse (Aug 3, 2013)

This has nothing to do with type and everything to do with _really_ horrible manipulation. 

Sis: Hey mom, I'm not feeling too good.
Mom: Who gives a shit? Oh look, shiny!
Sis: That's really rude. Why aren't you taking me seriously?
Mom: HOW DARE YOU INSULT ME. Say you're sorry. NOW.
Sis: ... Sorry. 
Mom: Say you love me simply on the basis I'm your mother even though I just acted like a complete bitch. 
Sis: ...
Mom: OH I GUESS I'LL HAVE TO RESORT TO PETTY THREATS THEN. 
Sis: *Quietly thinks to herself that when she's an adult and her mother is shitting-in-her-pants old that she'll just dump her in a cheap care home instead of coming back to take care of her sorry ass*


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## Saki (Jun 10, 2013)

*reads this and twitches* Calm down Fe and Ti, calm down...

This exchange is the kind of chatting that led me to hating my own father for many years. I don't care how authoritative you _think_ you are- you cannot tell someone how to feel. And to attempt to manipulate or force them into lying about how they feel is immoral on the manipulator's part, and insulting the morality, humanity, and basic rights of the other party. Should you succeed in having the person lie about their feelings, that could become habit for them. That is the building block for more mental problems than I can list here. Lying to your heart is never a good idea. 


On topic, I find saying "I love you" difficult. Which impacts you more: someone saying "Have a nice day!" or "Have some fun today!"? The first is said so often that it's generally ignored, the second is used less often and might encourage someone to think about what they have planned for the day.

If you say "I love you" often, it will eventually become another cheap expression like "Have a nice day". I don't want that. If I'm willing to open up to someone and tell them how I really feel about them... I want it conveyed as raw emotion. If I'm fond of someone I generally say something more like "You are awesome" or "I love having you around", but the big ILY is reserved for only very limited occasions.


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## chickadee213 (Oct 6, 2013)

My dad is an INTJ, and for the 15 years I've been alive I honestly can't recall him saying "I love you" (actually speaking it, not including him writing it down on birthday cards and such)
I'm sure he _has_​ said it before, but he is just very indisposed to expressing emotions. More accurately, affectionate emotions-- he's fine with expressing anger. Now he sounds like a terrible person, but he's definitely one of the best people in my life 
I know he loves me though, it's just in his actions rather than his words. He doesn't say anything unless he really means it and when he does express affection, it's all the more meaningful because of the rarity of the moment.


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## Cassieopeia (Jan 9, 2012)

My INTJ friend has said it to me when I'm upset (in person).


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