# What is genuine love? is there a destinty? and how to be attractive? and many other questions on dating and relationships.



## Dezir (Nov 25, 2013)

This topic is going to be huge because I want to cover as many aspects as possible, so I might make a TL;DR version with only the bolded parts. I know it's the size of a book, feel free to only answer to the subjects or part that you deem interesting and only go as in-depth as you want.

*What is genuine love?*

Genuine love is a care. To love a person is to care about that person. In a very specific way, more than he would care for an average man on the street. Someone who genuinely loves you, loves you for more than looks, he loves you for the person you are and cares for you.

Is he interested in getting to know each other better? because if he is, that means he is interested in the person she is. What she likes, what she dislikes, what she fears, what are her hopes, her dreams, her aspirations, her regrets. As opposed to being with someone in a relationship just for the sake of it.

Is there intimacy between them? intimacy is developed when you get to know each other well so this is not that easy if they only know each other for a few months.

When one of them has a problem or is bothered by something, is he telling that to the other? and is the other person supporting and listening of them?

*How many things is he willing to sacrifice for her? *going back to the idea that he will change for her, if he genuinely loves her, he will do some things he would otherwise not do.

Looks matter, before you see someone's character or personality, you are attracted to their looks. Regardless of whether you were born with good looking genes or not, you can always invest in your good looks. Get good looking facially and physically, it makes everything else easier, and not just in dating.

First you are attracted by someone physically, then you go talk to them and get to know them and if it happens you fall in love with their personality. For this, you need to have some good looks for start, to take the initiative to start a normal conversation with "hello, how are you doing" or ask for help with something, then as you talk you maybe or maybe not fall in love with their personality.

Is there a destiny or are people just falling in love randomly or based on attraction?
The main argument I have against destiny is beggars. If there was a destiny, how would you justfiy people that have nothing in life? Sure, it's easy to say there is a destiny when everything works out for you, but not so much otherwise. Which is why I think, while genuine love is care, there has to be some attraction too to be loved back.

Even in the particular case of love, we all know of people who are a 1 or a 10 on the sexual attractiveness scale or social attractiveness. There doesn't seem to be much room left for destiny when one can have 100 people and others can't even have one. What you do is what you get. If you want to experiment everything life has to offer you got to work for it. This is equally valid in your career as it is in love.

We like people because they have certain qualities that makes us feel good around them, either in how they make us feel or the values they exhibit, even when we are not aware of those things. It can grow into care for that other person, as in love, but initially we care about looks, then character and personality.

There are also women who are interested in alpha males and men who are interested in ass and boobs, but there are also men and women who are are quite a catch, a keeper. People want to know you care about them, people want to be cared for, that's what love is and how they know you're a keeper. People looking for deep connections want someone to be in it for them, not their looks and cars. Women being loved for their looks is the equivalent of men being loved for their money. Sure, they would appreciate being liked for their looks, but that's not enough, it's superficial. They want to be loved for the person they are, not for the body they have.

Probably the most romantic thing ever is intimacy. Not buying 1000 flowers, but being able to be yourself around the other person, being able to share your more secret thoughts and desires. As well as showing care, because at the end of the day, this is what love is, care. It's very comforting to know that someone cares about you. And not caring about your looks, but caring about the person you are, caring that you feel good, wanting the best for you.

*To leave yourself to fate waiting for good to win is like eating soup with a fork and pork with a spoon.*

When it comes to finding the perfect relationship, I don't believe in destiny, I think that what you do is what you get. And yes, life should be fair, but life isn't fair, and we have to make the most of it. In this sense, I don't think there is pre-destined love or love that just happens, if it happens, it's because you or her already have attractive qualities with or without being aware of it. For most people, love doesn't just happen, you got to make her fall in love with you, you got to be seductive.

*How to be attractive?*

Charisma and looks. Charisma is to know how to make atmosphere. There are many ways to be charismatic, such as being able to make and keep a spicy conversation, being able to find and talk about interesting subjects, being able to make jokes and maintain good spirits, and so on.

In short, charisma is to know how to make yourself likeable. Treat people right and be gentle with them. You also don't have to insist on her. You just have to be great around her.

Make yourself likeable by making the other person feel pleasant around you: either amused, interested, fascinated, engaged. Attraction is a feeling. You can eventually talk about deep stuff, transition from small talk to big talk. Have an honest discussion, share, open your hearts to various things that bothers you or her or talk about various issues in the world or with other people, that is equally interesting, to be emotionally connected with the other person. Be open to talk about feelings, it doesn't have to be a 2-way discussion. It's a mix of being fun and caring, which is natural for humans, not only in dating but with anyone.

In order to be truly charismatic I think you need to like yourself first. Which is why I recommend to have dignity and self-respect. Dignity means to believe you are worthy of respect and to stand up for yourself when appropiate. Self-respect means that you care about you and don't allow other people to disrespect you. It doesn't mean that you pick a fight out of everything, especially when you can avoid it, but means that you have a backbone. The difference is that you don't need any particular reason to respect yourself, you respect yourself because you're you. Where as for self-love, you do needs reasons to actually like the kind of person you are.

There's an old saying "be yourself" which in my opinion is way too general to be taken as a good advice by itself, you likely already know it but it doesn't convince you because it feels too without limits, if you are yourself then you may be doing something wrong that you will regret, right? This is why "be yourself" is not the whole story, it's actually "be yourself but in the limit of common sense" as in also have character.

Yes, be yourself, as in be the default version that you can be without effort, but in the limit of common sense, at the same time have decency and be considerate of other people. Just simply "be yourself" implies that if you are a jerk then go ahead and be a jerk, which is terrible advice and probably what you are afraid of. So be yourself, the default version that you can be without effort, but in the limit of common sense, people like common sense. Don't be rude or rash. Have your own integrity, but you need to adapt to other people as well, you need likeablity and this is good.

Okay, this sounds confusing, be yourself but you also need to make yourself likeable? Which one it is?
Well, both. Don't give up on bringing the default version that you can be without effort, as your core personality itself can be something people will find enjoyable but at the same time make adjustments to make yourself more likeable. That doesn't mean you can't push some boundaries now and then but in general don't make people feel bad.

Ironically, being yourself but in the limit of common sense, the default version that you can be without effort but without being a jerk, can make you more attractive to other people, it gives the feeling that there is something of worth there, something to be appreciated. You can be more attractive when you are trying to be natural than when you are trying to be a certain thing. It gives you confidence and it shows there's something genuine that can't be replicated.

But at the same time, we all have to adapt a bit in order to integrate, it's what everyone does. You can't act on impulses everytime, especially when people expect things of you or you're angry. Perhaps the best way is to say it is be yourself within social norms, don't exaggerate so that people look down on you and don't upset people, conflict is not always good, being polite and respectful is important because it makes people and in this case women to have a better overall opinion of you. Quality women want a partner not a brute, they don't want a weak-willed man, but not an aggressive or necessarly strongman either. It's important to be socially appropiate, to be aware of your relationship and position towards the other person. And of the level of opneness you can afford with the other person depending on how close you are.

People who can make themselves likeable will be liked by other people and this will give them a lot of confirmation that they are liked, which in turn will make them more likely to like themselves. If 50 people behave as if they like you then you will be more likely to like yourself. The decision whether we like other people is mostly emotional, if we feel good with or around them then we like them, if not then we don't like them.

But don't be just entertaining, have some depth, show that yes you can be a joker if you want to but you're not just a joker. You can switch from having moments of laugh and ironies to having moments of just being polite like saying "please", "may I please", "would you like to" in a nice way that makes it hard to refuse, a non-intimidating yet confident way, or switch to having depth moments with some honesty and emotional connection.

Like admitting your mistakes, stating your intentions and things like that. You can be like "look, I'm not trying to, I know you and I don't want to, but I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry about that, I made a lot of mistakes, I was going over the top; I never actually asked you, I just sort of insisted and implied it; and I had this idea like so I went over too far with my declarations, I went in too deep too soon, and I never communicated when I thought something was off or had a worry, I was inexperienced and acted way too immaturely and I'm sorry for that, it was my fault".

You got to feel the other person, look at them and see if they are responsive to that when you speak from your heart. It also shows you have depth, that you have warmth, that you can be real, that you can be you without a mask or being hidden, that you are not simply a joker or an entertainer, or simply a platonic nice polite guy. It also makes it less likely to have miscomunication in the future, by making them more likely for them share when they think something is off or have a worry, because you just did that and you showed them it's okay to do it.

*What is better, looks, niceness or fun?*

Looks matter, and not only looks but the way you present yourself, you need to be aware of how you're being perceived. There are plenty of things you can do to make yourself look more attractive: work out to be in good shape, have a good haircut, a good style, and having a look which indicates that you are somebody.

But most importantly, making your looks specific about you: Having a look that indicates who you are as a person. Making the most of your looks and having a look that conveys something about you. It's not about being born in a physically good-looking in a genetic way, it's about making the most of your appearance and having a look that says something about your personality.

Beside the obvious good looking people = more physically attractive, there is also the halo effect. When we see someone with good qualities, we tend to assume the rest of them is also full of good qualities. Because they’re good looking, they’re also seen as being more trustworthy, kinder and smarter, all very attractive traits to have.

However, the halo effect, as great as it is for the first impression and for a while, wears off over time and this is where personality comes in.

Have a fun personality, bring the fun. If you want people to get to know you, and thus see how awesome you are, then you have to be someone they want to spend time with. Which means you want to be someone who’s fun. After all, being fun is the most attractive trait someone can have, more than looks, more than money or status or popularity.

Being nice is important as well, but being fun beats it. Think about your co-workers, your classmates and people you know in general. Most of them are nice people, but they are kind of just there, they are pleasant, but no fun. They are not memorable people. But we all have those few friends who stand out, who are easy to remember. They’re the ones who make us laugh or who always have the best stories.

Which people would you want to be spending more time with? The pleasant but kind of dull ones? Or the fun ones who liven up a room and make you feel good? Attraction is after all, a feeling. It's about how someone makes you feel. The more somebody's presence makes us feel good, the more we prioritize that relationship.

Now don't get me wrong. This doesn’t mean that in order to win people over you have to constantly be playing the dancing monkey and always putting on a performance. Nobody can be "on" 24/7, and being around the ones who try gets exhausting. You just want to be someone who creates good vibes and who's fun to be around in general. You're a cool person, not the entertainment director.

Optimism and confidence are important, because optimism and confidence can reach the other person. We speak beyond words with non-verbal messages. A smile is very important. And not only in dating, but for example, when a man meets with a another man, when we shake hands, we should neither break their hand nor be soft, giving the feeling that we are a person he cannot rely on.

*How to gain people's trust?*

While charisma and looks are important for a relationship, it's not enough, it's not the full story. You also need to develop a bond, to build rapport, to build a deeper connection, to build trust. How to do it? Just be honest, competent, reliable, empathetic, kind, generous, humble and discrete. Over time the majority of people will trust you if you display these qualities.

Be genuine, don't shy away from your flaws. Be original, don't be perfect. Don't be too diplomatic, too much flattering and praising is always doubtful. Trust is a coefficient of time, the higher the time spent with people, the more they trust you. Pass the test of life. Every now and then you will get an opportunity to prove you are trustworthy, stand by people.

Be discrete, don't tell everyone about what you're doing or to others what others are doing, don't leak one's secrets to the other, even if it's your loved ones. The trait of confidentiality is the most important step in trust-building. Never be desperate to build trust, don't force your trust on people. It will come on its own eventually. Give people importance, not over importance, just stand by them in tough times and emergencies without keeping expectations.

Keep your word, there's a reason "keeping your word" is very important in Italian mafia movies, beside "the family" as in loyality but that's off-topic, it's because your word is a symbol of your integrity. You may be a bad person like a mafioso, but if other mafioso know that you keep your word, they can at least trust you in this regard, that you are someone who takes its word seriously and does what they say they'll do. Keeping your word is a gate of trust you can open for people that don't know you very well. If your word is very important to you, it will also be very important to them. Have strong values and guiding principles. Having no committed values, you bend when it suits you and this will undermine all your achievements.

Year's of trust takes moments to be destroyed, self-control, realisation is important before you make any quick decision. Once trust in a relationship has been destroyed it can never be restored. I don’t care what anybody tells you that’s different. It’s sad but true.

It doesn’t matter how many times the person who destroyed the trust apologizes and swears "it will never happen again" or how they destroyed the trust. It doesn’t matter the who, what and why. They will never be 100% trusted ever again. Trust is never "broken", it is destroyed when breached and violated. So don’t trick yourself into a false belief trust may be merely "broken" thus, "repaired".

However, you may decide to forgive the person who destroyed you’re trust in them for whatever you’re motive. But you will never "trust" them again in the area where they trust was destroyed. Whether you forgive the person for his lack of judgment or lack of common sense or lack of wisdom or lack of ability to control himself is up to you. But forgiveness does not equate to restoration of trust.

Forgiveness is a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, nor does it mean condoning or excusing the offenses.

Trust like loyalty and love require 100% commitment. If you lack any one of them or any one of them has been destroyed the relationship will never be a 100% commited relationship. Usually, its just a matter of time until it is dissolved. Stick with reality.

When you meet someone they're at zero on the trust chart. They can rise higher on the board and become more trustworthy or sink lower on the board and become less trustworthy. 

One does not simply automatically trust anyone, anywhere ever. This includes figures that you're supposed to trust like investment counselors, members of the law enforcement community, clergymen, teachers and government officials. Trusting anyone without knowing them pretty well is dangerous business and something to avoid completely.

The trust chart is evaluated in degrees. If I've known you long enough and know you well enough, I may trust you enough to lend you a book but wouldn’t even consider lending you my car. There are few people in your life that you can literally trust with your life but most of those are or were family members. Those who are worthy of your trust and your love are very lucky. Choose them carefully. There can be trust without love but there can be no real love without trust.

When you help someone, do it out of a concern for building a positive connection with them but not out of expectations.

In reverse, some people may have a harder time trusting the other gender because of past experiences. To this, I would say, be rational about it, people will act in their advantage. You can expect people to act in their advantage, their best interest. We can trust people to do what is in their nature or in their personal interest.

And I would also say that sometimes it's worth the risk to take a leap of faith. Screw the risk of pain. You're effectively robbing yourself of the chance to have one of the most beautiful things you can possibly have, because of a risk of pain. You're robbing yourself of the chance of companionship, to be with someone who is going to trust you and be by your side. To be with someone who is there by your side, who loves you, who is caring for you, who has your back, who has a similar aim to yours and you're driving in the same direction. It's an absolutely beautiful thing, and to give that up, because you're worried about a little pain here, a little pain there, is fundamentally stupid.

One of the issues with being unable to trust the other gender, is that you cannot develop an affective relationship with it because of it. It's not only men. Women can do this too. In the case of men: First the objectify women, then they can't develop affective connections because of it. If you think all women are shallow and superficial, you're going to have a hard time developing an affective connection. You don't have to offer hobbies, talents or interests in philosophy or whatever to have an affective connection and relationship with someone. Yes, there are shallow and non-shallow people on both sides, it's up to you to find them.

I'll use cheating as an example because it's a lot more common, but you can use cruelty or superficiality or whatever you can think of instead. Maybe you had an experience with some girls who are lying and cheating, or even worse have some women cheat you, and developed a generalized idea about women, "women are like that". The basic idea of this is that those men end up believing: oh my god, how could I trust women again? And how instead of being like "that girl is so beautiful" he's like "how do I avoid pain?". That not only can make dating worse for him, it can actually make it hard for him to have positive relationships with women. So what is the solution? once you have seen all this stuff, how can you possibly trust women again?

Instead of focusing on women, we should focus on people and all living beings and ask in general: can we trust human beings in general? including men and women. And second is the opposite, going more specific: can we trust women to do what? Can you trust a horse to not kick you? Maybe if he's trained, maybe, maybe not. Can you trust a lion to not bite you? maybe, maybe not. You can trust creatures, and human beings are creatures, to do what is in our nature. So you can trust a woman not to cheat on you if its within her nature not to.

You can trust a woman to cheat on you if its in her nature to. We are very much creatures of circumstance, we are very much creatures of personal interest. You could date scandalous, awful women and they can be the nicest people in the world to you because they like you, they love you, they have an incentive to be that way. You could date the sweetest most angelic people and when you broke up they could become horrendeous vicious to you because at that point it was in their nature to be of that way, and maybe even to get closure and move on they had to be that way.

You can trust people to act in their nature. So the first step to actually trust women is understanding what is female nature. Understanding what motivates them, what drivers them, what incentives there are. And really, when you are with girls, when you ask yourself like "can I trust them?" and you get this hard-heartedness what you actually need to do is be more sensitive and understand where they are coming from.

That's still not foolproof, it's still not foolproof, it's still possible that you do everything right and it just so happens that a hot and rich guy hits on your girl and she leaves for him because he is fundamentally better than you and is going to provide her a better life than you would. That can happen. However, the better you are about understanding what a girl wants and cater to those needs, the less likely that is to happen, and it's even possible, if you have a strong enough narrative, that even a guy objecitvely better than you wouldn't be able to take her away because he doesn't have the narrative, he doesn't have that backstory and that history with her. And so, you actually can protect yourself to an extent.

The other thing you can do is as they say in poker: trust everyone but cut the cards. Trust everyone but make sure nobody is cheating in the game. So, at the same time, as you should be, doing all the right things to give the girl what she needs and to play into female nature and make it a win for her to be with you, at the same time, you need to cover your bases.

If you do take this to the extreme where you just distrust women, you say "I cannot trust women, they are very selfish and self-absorbed and only want what's the best for them", you're going to live 80 years of your life without one of the most beautiful things you can possibly have. You're going to live 80 years without companionship, without someone who is going to trust you and be by your side.

It's not just women that can screw you over, it's men as well, it's human nature, it's human beings. Yes, you could have been cheated once by a woman, you could have seen a lot of women, included married women cheat on their husbands. But didn't you also had worse things done to you by men? men screwing you over in business or in ways that are completely horrendeous and illegal. Things that have done more damage to you than any woman ever has. So it's not just women that can screw you over, it's people.

Any creature that has the capacity to hurt you, you have to treat it with caution. You have to treat a poisinous snake with caution, you have to treat a male human being with caution, you have to treat a female human being with caution. You have to be smart about the way the world works.

You understand that every single time you're interacting with something that's dangerous, you're taking a risk. However, things that are dangerous are also and can lead to a lot of benefits. In the same way, just because men can screw you over, does that mean never be friends with men again never go into business with men and never deal with men? No, same kind of thing.

It should be in the form of understanding the other person, knowing what values they bring to table and being more valueable to them for them being loyal to you than to them being disloyal to you.

For example: If you're so good for a business that it's to their benefit to keep you around, then it's to their benefit also not to screw you over. If you're becoming kind of worthless or are not giving the right sort of value to her that she wants, if you make her unhappy, then it may be to her benefit to screw you over and that's when you're gonna get screwed. Some women are going to do that, some women won't.

It's your fear of the risk of getting hurt, the risk of pain, that's holding you back. If you think all women are cruel or cheating or superficial, you're going to have a much harder time trusting them. Dare to be trusting of women. And see what happens. If you end up getting hurt, it happens, it's not the first time. But if you end up being wrong and not getting hurt and actually getting a good positive relationship out of this, good for you. The reward is more than worth it. Dare to be nice. Dare to be nice to them. Even if you still have a strong belief that women are whatever, act as if you don't have and see what happens.

Can you be absolutely sure you can trust a woman? probably never. But can you put the odds massively in your favor? yes. Can you get it to a point where you can be reasonably certain that a girl will be faithful? yes, you can under certain circumstnaces. And even if you can't be 100% sure, the risk is well worth it for the reward. So, please don't be the person that gets so jaded or so dark that you throw away some of the most beautiful things in the world just to prevent the potential pain that could come possibly in some scenario.

How to gain their trust? Be there for them, be a guardian angel. Don't be judgemental and listen, actively listen. If anything, offer reassurance in the form of an advice instead, rather than judgment. I don't want to say "treat her like sister you never had" since you're hitting on them romantically but you probably understand the protective feeling and genuine care that comes out of that statement.

*What you can do is simply get close with each other?*

Make them feel comfortable, to feel that you are somebody they can talk to when they have an issue. Get to know each other even more well. Develop even more intimacy. Get closer with each other. This requires communication, and I mean real communication, to say when you have a problem or something bothers you, not to keep it in yourself.

I think intimacy is when you make someone really feel connected, that you're listening to them and you're really being listened to, when you start drifting from lighthearted stuff to serious talk about life and personal problems, when you listen to their story and they listen to yours. When you go from "how are you doing?" to questions about feelings "did you enjoy that?", "how it made you feel?", "and are you okay with that?". Intimacy is being able to be yourself around the other person without fear of being judged, being able to share your more secret thoughts, insecurities and desires without fear that they will spoil or be indifferent to them.

I think intimacy and trust is built. In order to trust someone, you got to feel comfortable around that person, you got to like being around that person. You also got to know that they have a good character and know how to keep a secret. You got to know that they are not a judgmental person, that will try to understand your situation and your perspective. And that you will have their support no matter what you say or do. And most importantly, after people open up to you, don't do something they will regret.

If you happen to experience a communication block, try to be her friend rather than an authority figure. Don't come across as someone who is trying to educate her or teach her a lesson, come across as someone who is trying to understand her, to understand her situation and her perspective, how she feels about things. Be her friend, someone who tries to help her, not someone authoritarian who tries to judge her.

And be considerate about the way she feels at the moment of your discussion, don't try to push her too hard, don't jump to questions suddenly as it came out of nowhere, and if you asked a question and you see that she doesn't want to answer drop it, don't push her, because she may not want to answer.

You can ask around the block questions instead, for example, if she doesn't want to tell you where she has been in weekend, don't insist, instead ask "where you there with many friends or just your boyfriend?", "do I know what place?", she might not give you the answer but she will give you hints.

And whatever you do, don't be like "I'm going to have a discussion with that person then" or do anything that you know she won't like, that would break any chance for her to trust you in the future.

It's exactly because she doesn't want you to have a discussion with that person that she won't tell you what is going on in the first place, it's your reaction she fears, if you do that, you will only confirm she was right about you, let her do her own things. Do not talk to anyone about this unless she specifically tells you to talk, let her deal with the situation how she sees fit.

Guide her, give her advice, give her your opinion, listen to her, help her, be a friend for her, but don't force her hand or make her regret that she told you all of this in the first place, because if you break her trust she will never do it again. Don't dominate the conversation, be there for her.

Intimacy is built on trust, you got to make an attempt to get closer with each other by talking about your concerns and worries. In a way, be a guardian angel. And approach people with softness, because they may back down if they are pushed too far. And don't be judgmental, whatever you do, be someone who tries to give advice or just listen to her, not someone who tries to make a moral out of this. Offer reassurance in the form of an advice, but only after you're listened and don't force it upon her. Be a friend, friends help one another.

It's great to have someone that you can talk about anything with, including your insecurities. Have deep talks about life and so on. For this, you need mutual trust, and well, you got to be the first person who do it.

But it's not like you can do it out of the blue. It's not like you can come to a person and say "hey, let's talk about how we feel, what is bothering you?" that would be out of the blue and weird. 

To get her to talk to you about this, you need to gain her trust. And you don't give trust to anyone, only to the people closest to you that you know that you can trust. People who we trust have to prove that we can trust them in the first place, we need to be sure they won't spoil the secret or break the trust. She needs to get to a place where she can trust you with her feelings. Probably, you need to show her that she is being understood at the core of who she is.

Show her kindness and desire to help her and she may begin to trust you. Make her understand that you will be there for her. Showing that you're being someone she can rely and count on. When she will trust you, she will open up by herself without you pushing her to open up and you can talk to her about her insecurities.

If you want trust, so she can talk to you about her insecurities, you got to be someone nurtruing who knows how to keep a secret. You can also share a secret to make her trust you more. Sharing a secret shows her that you trust her. If you trust her, this will make her more likey to trust you.

People look at the character of the other person when they decide whether to trust them or not. So far, what have you done to show that she can have confidence in you? Or the opposite, what have you done that broke her confidence? If you did the latter, you have a lot of catching up to do.

Greet her as if you were greeting an old friend you hadn't seen in a while. Smile deeply. A great smile is remembered. Talk slowly, being a fast talker has negative connotations, people respond better to someone who talks slowly and deliberately. Exude calmness and be measure in your speech. Don't talk or feel rushed.

Find commonality. Mentally, people are looking to check a box that they can make some sort of affiliation with you, however distant. Find any sort of commonality, shared interests and common connection. For example: I see you went to school in New England", "you also know Joe", "yes, Joe's a great guy. I went to school with him. How do you know him?", it goes a long ways in terms of building trust.

Listen as if she was the only person in the room and make her feel that way. Look her in the eyes. Show her that you're listening by focusing on what she's saying. Don't interrupt her or finish her sentences. When she finishs saying something, wait a second before responding. This indicates you've really listened and you're taking it in.

Validate them, this most often comes in the form of agreeing with them. When people sense disagreement they put up barriers, reinforce their reasoning, and create distance. This principal is called "Yes, and ..." it's how you build on a story and create spontaneity and consensus.

Think of the times you’ve met someone new and walked away with a good impression. Look back on the encounter and think of what made you feel that way. Chances are what you really felt was validated and listened to.

Become a good listener, ask more questions, suspend your ego, be authentic, admit you are not perfect, don't be pushy, adjust to almost any situation, don't be judgemental, copy body language, tell a secret.

Expect good things, people treat others consistent with their expectations, and, therefore, cause the person to behave in a way that confirms such expectations. If you think someone is an asshole, you'll act toward him or her in a way that will produce “asshole” behavior. On the other hand, if you expect someone to be friendly toward you, they are likely to behave in a friendly fashion because of your ingratiating actions.

Get her to trust you by having a trustworthy character, as people look at the character of the other person when they decide whether to trust them or not. Additionally, you can be the first to talk about your worries and doubts with her or share a secret. When she moderately trusts you, ask her questions about herself without being judgmetnal, agreeing with and actively listening to her without interrupting, and offering reassurance in the form of advice. Listen to her, help her, don't be an authority figure who tries to judge her. Don't try to educate her or teach her a lesson, try to understand her, her situation and her perspective, how she feels about things.

And offer advice but in the form of a guide, an opinion, without forcing her words, her hands or pushing her around. If she doesn't want to answer to a certain thing don't insist, accept it and ask latteral questions instead, she might not give you the answer but she will give you hints, and eventually may give you the answer to that thing she was originally hesitant about. And expect good things, if you expect someone to be friendly toward you, they are likely to behave in a friendly fashion because of your ingratiating actions. An example of advice is courage over fear. Like if someone has a fear, you can tell them that it's okay to be afraid, we're all afraid sometimes, but that's no incentive not to do it.

Then you can understand her situation. It will make you closer to each other and then you can ask her for a date. Sitting around and never asking for a date isn't going to change the situation. If you never do, it will never happen.

*What about character?*

Character is probably the most important thing when it comes to compatibility, often, people don't get along together because of different characters. But is there a character that would ensure you the best chances of succes? I think so, well, it will not work universally since it eventually comes down to different people having different preferences and personalities, but we've all seem people with a "great personality" or "great character" as well as people with a "terrible personality" or "terrible character" and opinions towards that particular person seems to be fairly unanimous.

A good character matters. Character is to treat people right, to take into account how other people feel and not wish to make them feel bad. To have a good soul, want to help others and appreciate what others do for you. I'm going to take a wild guess and assume girls with sensitivity like polite and respectful men with sensitivity and a gentle soul. Someone who can open their heart and can show depths of feeling. Someone loving who is like a gentleman.

Showing sensitivity is attractive, like learning an instrument, looking at art, listening to opera, music about the soul like rap. Girls with sensitivity like men who show that they look beyond looks and appreciate the person they are. Someone caring, with nice gestures that will impress, that they feel good with and show that they want the best for them, they want someone who would help and value them, someone who would do a lot for them.

Helping her would be appreciated, when she has an issue or problem offering to help can be quite romantic even if it doesn't look as such. Even small things like opening the door for her or pouring soda can be apprciated. Filling out the other person's needs is romantic, especially if you do it in an unexpected way. Obivously, there's some fear about this as coming across as weak or needy or unmasculine. It's not unmasculine to help, not only to help the girl you want to get to like you, but helping people in general. It shows common sense, it shows decency, it shows character, it shows good education.

As for avoiding being a wuss, to get girls to like you without being a wuss, you got to have some confident traits but not mean-spirited traits. Some sort of alpha traits: daring, courage to go and ask, to take initiative, imposing, courage to stand up for yourself when wronged, confidence, looking like you know what you're doing. You can be a good alpha male, an alpha male with common sense, without having a mean-spirited, bitter, cruel side.

You have to have some pride of your own as well, a backbone, to not end up a press to wipe on foot and end up getting used by women, you need to have some dignity as well. But not so much dignity that you become too rigid and won't help them with anything, won't listen or consult anyone or won't be willing to talk except about the subjects you like.

How to avoid the friendzone then? As although helping her would be appreciated, when she has an issue or problem offering to help can be quite romantic even if it doesn't look as such, it is also the kind of thing a friend will do, so there's no clear difference between these two. Well, even if there's no difference it's still romantic and as I said shows character and good education. We like people who help us, who find ways to fill our needs, helping her is part of getting the girl to like you. If he has lost her dog, finding her dog and returning it to her is quite romantic, it's about helping her, doing things for her. But to avoid the friendzone, you need to be their friend but also something attractive so that they would want to be next to you meaning together with you, to be something hot. Not only good, be hot and good. Therefore the alpha male with decency and common sense part.

It's important to be aware of your social standing, your reputation, your status, to try to improve it and if it's negative to try to change it through different behavior than the one expected or who caused it in the first place. Don't be extravagant out of your desire for her, have a normal social behavior, otherwise you risk making a fool out of you. And if people have a bad opinion of you for a certain reason, prove the opposite: if people think you're greedy, be generous, buy a few drinks for them. That will prove your reputation wrong and gain people's respect and admiration. Look for people to appreciate you, that's what's important, to be appreciated by people. And judge people's character individually, don't judge people as a whole.

Seek to be interested in people, go and talk to them, to make relationships, to communicate, to get interest from people if they know other people who could help you. To call that one, that one, that one, and so on. To get other perspectives about things you want to know about. To go for projects, to go for stuff. Simply put: just do it. In life, we regret more the things we didn't do than the things we did. Take opportunities in life.

If you don't make a move you will lose. Human relationships are pretty on the face, what you see is what you get. Make people feel seen. But also, you got to know to impose yourself, to be a bit alpha when necessary. Tell people to close the door and initiative to goodbye. Impose yourself when necessary. Not to be offensive, but not that non-offensive, you can do that in a non-mean way.

What if you are afraid that they will dislike you? People won't be negative towards you unless they have good reason. People won't dislike you for no reason. Other people also have common sense. People do not start from the premise "I dislike this person" and you have to make yourself likeable. Of course, it helps if you try to make yourself likeable, to be entertaining and charismatic, but most people won't dislike you simply because you aren't. People start from the premise "this person is okay" and you are an all right person until proven otherwise. If they are behaving negatively towards you, they must have a good reason. Even if it's not a right reason, at least it has to be a specific reason for it.

And it's worth pointing out that your respect is worth too, just as you want people's respect, they want your respect too. If you go to a bar and won't say "hello" to a particular person they will notice that, why are they bothered by that? because they want your approval and respect. Just like you look for other people's approval, other people also look for your approval, use that.

In life, you can be however you like as long as you don't exaggerate, as long as you have a limit. You shouldn't care what other people think but only up to a point, until you see that you end up adrift. Don't care what other people think but don't run naked on the street either. If you sleep in a ditch, people are going to laugh at you and talk for a while. Some would say, people talk about those above them so that they can have something they can attack them with, that once people talk about you it means that you mean something, that from their perspective "you are upper than me and need to be lower". There is some truth to that but it's not the whole story, it's more satisfying when someone upper than you does a misdeed and you can talk about him, gossip, but people will talk about anyone doing a misdeed.

Perhaps the best thing to get from others is appreciation rather than respect. Look for people to appreciate you. That is what is important, to be appreciated by people. Please everyone, split yourself the best you can, without neglecting yourself. That will prove your reputation wrong and gain people's respect and admiration. Seek to be interested in people, go and talk to them, to make relationships, to communicate, to get interest from people if they know other people who could help you. Just do it. In life, we regret more the things we didn't do than the things we did. Take opportunities in life. If you don't make a move you will lose. Human relationships are pretty on the face, what you see is what you get. Make people feel seen.

Make sure your jokes are appropiate and in a controlled environment. Doing it in public would be called humiliation. Make fun of them once in a while, show that you're willing to challenge them, but don't make fun of them all the time. You can also make it clear that your goal is to have fun not to insult them, because people won't always tell you what they think.

Women appreciate displaying kindness, showing sensitivity. Women like men with kindness, desire to help, depth of feeling and a gentle soul. Showing sensitivity is attractive. Don't have the wrong impression that all women want a strong masculine man like Kim Kardashian sort of women make it seem, because not all men are interested only in women with big body parts like Brads and Chads or other types of matcho men.

Attraction is a feeling, we like certain people because they make us feel great around them. One of the simplest way to be interesting is to be funny, the goofy humor. But at the same time, different people have different tastes and interests. The closer you are with a person, the more you can afford with them and the more of their true colors they'll show.

Compassion is what makes a good character, be considerate of other people and able to feel yourself how you make other people feel. Because people won't tell you all the time when you've bothered them or made them feel bad. There is a sense of fairness in society, a sense of justice, you need to be aware if you bother other people and if in all fairness you are the one who is the ahole in a certain situation, even if you don't think of yourself as one.

For good character, it's also important to be polite, it can soften people. You can simply be polite by formulating your words very nicely and asking for permission, "can I come to your place?", "can I do that?", "can I walk with you?", "can I do this?", "do you want me to do that?", or offering to do things for them without them actually asking, like taking the trash or doing the small things, that also counts as being polite and helping them.

Of course, don't exaggerate with this, there are situations when you don't have to ask for permission, when it comes to small things, but what I'm trying to say is that being polite by asking for permission can be attractive for it shows common sense and good education. It essentially says that you don't want to bother people, that you're being respectful, taking into account their desires before doing something, and people appreciate that.

Showing sensitivity and romantic care be equally attractive through the softness of your heart, it shows depth of feelings, which is something many women find attractive in a romantic partner. You can show sensitivity by listening to music with deep messages, by learning an instrument, by looking at and being fascinated by art, by listening to opera, by being tender and romantic with them, making them unexpected gifts that are very specific. Or even things like leaving them a note telling them how much they mean to you.

No, these things don't make you a wuss. Being with the wrong woman and thinking that if you show kindness comes across as weakness is a big mistake. There are women who not only don't see it as weakness, but are attracted by men who show kindness. Men who have compassion, don't want to see others getting hurt. That doesn't mean not to believe in the concept of fairness, that people who did bad things deserve it.

Compassion is what makes a good character, not only to want the best for others and actively encourage them in that direction, but to also appreciate what others do for you and to be grateful for their support. A good character is to treat people right, to not disrespect them, to take into account how other people feel. To have a good soul, want to help and appreciate what others do for you. Girls with sensitivity like polite and respectful men with sensitivity and a gentle soul, someone loving.

In my experience, most women don't like arrogance. They like someone who is nice to them, who behaves normally. In my experience, women like men who talk nicely to them, who are respectful of them. Who can be gentle and delicate with them. But for some reason, there seems to be a reputation of the opposite. After all, there are still men acting like aholes with them hoping it would work. Make it works for some women and not for others. Maybe it's from some men's frustrations that they were nice and didn't work.

Warmth works, being a warm person works. But now, it also depends on what kind of "nice". Nice is such a vague word it can mean many things. Obviously, you don't have to be just nice, you have to be nice and have other qualities as well. Even you men, don't just love women simply for being nice. Maybe there's a fat or ugly woman that you don't like, despite her being nice and loving. If men can have standards women can have standards too.

And you can be nice and go for it, go after what you want. You can talk nicely to them, be respectful, gentle, delicate and go after what you want. You can tell a girl "I like you", "I have remaked you", "I find you cute", cute not beautiful because the latter sounds more superficial, the former has more depth. And ask her for a date while being respectful, gentle, delicate. Would you like to have someone talk nicely to you? yes. The same is true with women.

With women the connection has to be more emotional, they are still human, try to put yourself in their place. Be a man with high character, look at them for what they are.

Maybe some men are afraid that if they are behaving like that with women, they risk opening up, making them vulnerable. If you're criticized for doing something that you did on the moment, it's bad but okay as it's not really you. If you're criticized for doing something that comes from yourself, it really hurts. But screw the risk of pain, the reward is more than worth it.

I saw a woman once who keep being hit on by drunk men. They would tell her "hey beautiful" or try to be funny but in a domineering kind of way with smugging jokes of superiority, trying to impress her I assume. That approach is not okay. As opposed to an approach with kindness.

After all that, we had a talk, not in a flirty way, there was nothing about a relationship or hitting on one another about it, just a talk. And she told me how annoyed she was with the men that night, how they tried to approach her with cringy stuff like that instead of just behaving nicely and respectfully to her. And how she used to be in a toxic relationship for 4 years, with an ex that was abusive, saying that she "doesn't know what she saw in that man, but found it hard to let go once she was already in the relationship" and after she did, she found a man and was shocked to see that that man was actually very nice and respectful to her. He approached her with kindness. He would talk very nicely to her, he would be gentle and delicate with her. She was shocked that such a man ever existed.

Ok, you don't have to be extremely polite, job interview or talking to your rigid boss level. Be polite, but not more polite than you would be in 5 months of being with each other.

Of course, there's always the stereotype of "women like bad buys, though men and don't like nice guys". But I think that this is a gorss generalization that ignores the details of a relationship. First of all, not all women want an alpha male, just like not all men want only boobs and ass. Second, being nice is good, it's basically "don't be mean, be polite and respectful", but it's not enough, still a perk, but not the perk. If you meet a girl that is kind of boring and unattractive but very nice and loving, would you consider dating her? *It certainly helps, she is very delicate and attentive and helpful but doesn't have much going on for her in terms of having a fun time together or having good looks. So you may have doubts because of the latter parts*.

But if she is very nice and loving, she is very delicate and attentive and helpful yet also has much going on for her in terms of having a fun time together or having good looks, that's suddenly a great catch. You can take this in the opposite direction too, she is someone great at having a fun time together and has amazing looks, but a rotten character and is kind of snobbish, won't help with anything and always expects you to do the things for her. Suddenly, there's a problem because of this. Apply the same thing towards you, the man.

But, *although I talked a lot about the importance of being nice and loving, helping her with small things and doing things for her*, pretty much everyone is delicate and attentive with the people they like, everyone is a gentleman when they like that person, *you're not special for doing it*. So such, saying that your dating quality is "being nice" is like saying your running quality is "having legs". It's essentially saying "I'm an average guy", everyone is nice with the person they like, if that's your only redeeming quality you'll lose against better competition. But you also need to be not boring.

Being a kind person is important, I don't think women actually dislike someone for being nice. People appreciate being nice. It's as simple as being stopped by a cop and being let go with a warning because you were nice to him, the value of niceness cannot be overstated. People appreciate a person who is polite and helpful, this can't be overstated. If someone is respectful to you, it makes you more likely to want to be respectful to him in return, you may subconsciously think "this person is very nice to me, why would I want to be a jerk to him?", you may even pass on a few things like in the cop example.

While men are more interested in looks, for women I think the most important thing is the character, what is on the inside. Yes, for both men and women the character and looks matter, but I think this is how preferences and gradings are stacked. This is why it's a bit tricky for women, they have to know the man a bit. Where as men on the other hand can judge looks almost instantly. This is why status is important for women, not because they all want money, but because status is a kind of proxy signal for character, what's on the inside. Women are looking for a kind of trip advisor dating, cause they need validation from some other source.

So you could make yourself attractive through the softness of your heart by showing you have a compassionate character and showing sensitivity. There's something very attractive actually about the exposure of vulerability, to expose your worries, dobuts, fears, it makes people relate to you. But it has to be done in a proper context, like in a one on one serious discussion or something similar. Be open to being vulnerable, it shows you are human and it's not a bad thing. As you can see, you can be romantically attractive while being far from a matcho man.

*What about politeness, when should you be formal or informal?*

While showing sensitivity shows depth of feelings, and helping her even with small things like opening the door for her or pouring soda can be apprciated and quite romantic and shows character and good education. One can have character meaning take into account how other people feel and not wish to make them feel bad, while being daring, having courage to go and ask, to take initiative, without having a mean-spirited, bitter, cruel side, as one can be a confident yet kind person.

Being like a gentleman because it's a nice thing to do, and being very nice and loving certainly helps, being a delicate and attentive and helpful person, as kindness can be rewarded with kindness, even in dating, within the limits of not going to unreasonable extremes where you have to suffer for helping her, in the same way being polite by formulating your words very nicely and asking for permission, "can I come to your place?", "can I do that?", "can I walk with you?", "can I do this?", "do you want me to do that?", or offering to do things for them without them actually asking, like taking the trash or doing the small things, can be attractive for it shows common sense and good education.

Helping and being polite shows you're a person with good education, and quality women with good education also appreciate that. But, beside showing common sense and good education, a polite request can make people more likely to say yes to you. Being polite can soften people and make them agree with your request. There is a difference between polite and humble, the difference between formulating your words very nicely and begging. 

And a polite request can make people more likely to say yes to you. When you ask kindly someone that you're a mildly aquantiance with, if you formulate the words with something such as "could you please" or "I would like to" you're more likely to get an yes from them. While you should have a basic decency and respect for close people, you shouldn't be polite with them, politeness is used for people that we don't know very well when we don't know them very well. When we deal with a person we don't know very well but is of greater age or the meeting is professional, we can be polite and formal. When we deal with a person that we don't know very well but is of similar age in a casual setting, we can be polite and informal.

Besides all the direct benefits you get from being soft-spoken, politeness is an incredibly powerful social tool, and not just for the reasons your mother may have told you, not just for the reasons that it's a nice thing to do, not just because it's politically correct, it's actually very very effective in a lot of ways. Politeness essentially is a form of a social lubricant, there's a reason why parents tell their children that "please" is the magic word and they should say "please" and "thank you" to people.

In more cases, not all, but in many cases people are more willing and will more happly do thing for you if you ask politely, that's the very simple kind of obvious one. But this goes further when you think that sometimes interactions are not one offs, sometime you interact with a person over and over again, and so politeness acts as an establisher of reputation, that social lubricant that you're doing on a daily basis making the interaction with you pleasant and nice and rewarding and fulfilling for those around you. It acts as a form of reputation builder for the times when you're not gonna be as polite, for the times when you do really need to stand up for yourself and you do really need to take a firm stance.

To take for example, you have 2 friends: one is very polite and always seems reasonable while the other is very gruff and difficult to deal with, if those 2 friends have a conflict and they come to you, you've probably already before they even started stating their case, before you heard a single word about the conflict, in your mind, you've probably already made a decision of who is at fault. Who is the one causing trouble, who is the one being difficult to deal with and that's all based on reputation.

Now, you can go too far with this, be so polite that you seem like a pushover, that's a problem. But basic level politeness, not giving into everybody else's opinions and things like that, but stating the things you state in a polite way, stating your opinion in a polite way, does establish a level of social competence, it is a marker that you came from a good education, that you came from a good background, that sort of things. As I said, be polite, but no more polite than you will be in 5 months of knowing each other.

Being polite is important, being polite will make people feel warmer around you. Like saying "please", "if possible", "would you like to", or "thank you". But don't overdo it because you'll sound way too formal like you're a waiter at a restaurant rather than someone trying to talk to them. You can simply be polite by helping them with small things like a gentleman, formulating your words very nicely and asking for permission.

In general, the further away you are with a person, the more formal you have to be, the closer you are with a persion, the more informal you can to be. I wouldn't overlap polite with formal and informal. Being polite is showing behaviour that is respectful and considerate of other people. Being formal is behaving in a way suitable for or constituting an official or important occasion. While informal is the opposite, having a relaxed, friendly, or unofficial style, manner, or nature. One can be informal yet polite.

When you start talking to a girl, originally, you can be polite and informal, eventually, you will gradually become more open and honest with each other, it takes time to get to have confidence a person and develop a better bond. Originally, you can be polite and informal saying: "please", "if possible", "would you like to", "thank you", "excuse me if I bother you". It doesn't have to be a dry or unexpressive conversation, but a polite one with decency for start. Eventually, you will gradually become more open and honest with each other, it takes time to get to have confidence a person.

As you get closer, you will naturally get less polite, for there are situations were being "too polite" is inappropriate. For example: Your best friend does not expect you to be overly polite. If you'd call him "mister" and would talk in an overly respectful tone with him, your best friend would consider this as an impolite gesture. He would rightfully assume that you are distancing yourself from him, if you mean it in all seriousness.

Correspondingly you must apply politeness appropriately and in doses which befit the situation. Generally one can say that being "too polite" in familiar situations, such as with friends, siblings or closer kinship is then this is seen as impolite. Also it is considered impolite in certain situations when a person is opening up to you and you only have polite formulas to utter. If you only have politeness when empathy is expected from you then you are indeed very impolite.

There are minimum standards of politeness that I would expect from everyone. Just basics: if you see someone coming through a door behind you, you hold it open for them. If you see someone who could use a hand, when they’re clearly struggling to juggle some things, go ahead and do it. Be patient with the little old man fumbling dollar bills out of his wallet, think of something nice to say. Politeness is so easy, and such a positive thing and nobody likes a jerk, but as I said, the further away you are with a person, the more formal you have to be, the closer you are with a persion, the more informal you have to be. The closer you are with a person, the less formal you have to be.

Having good manners is also important, being polite and humble will make people feel warmer around you. But you don't have to be formal like in a job interview, you can be polite and informal, in a relaxed, friendly and unofficial style. This doesn't mean you can never request people for things out of politeness. You can always ask nicely to have people close you the door and do other things for you "close the door for me please", "can you open that please?" or "can you give me that please?". This kind of soft talk will make people more likely to accept actually doing those things, we all like to be treated well and taken into account. And it shows warmness from your side. Or of it's an object that belongs to them or a request that you have "can I take this?" or "can you do that please?". In life, you got to be sweet as a person.

Of course, the level of politeness strongly depends on the level of closeness and familiarity you have with each other. It strongly depends on what type of relationship is established. The more is this a formal professional meeting or one with a big age difference, the more formal you have to be. But if you are on about the same age, even if you're strangers, which in dating situation is going to be the case, you can be informal and polite. The closer and more familar you are, the more informal and direct without any formalities you can be. People have a certain expected behavior in society, with friends and at home, based on social norms which is the ordinary, what we're used to, the ordinary is normal and weird are the things out of the ordinary.

People usually unconsicously think "how do I know this person? is it a stranger? do I know him from an official position or something like that? and aquaintance?" or "what is my relationship towards this person? are we warm and close or not and just barely know each other?" when deciding the right attitude to have with that person. You have probably noticed that you are not the same person with your family, teacher, friends, lovers, aquaintances, relatives, etc; and we all are like that, with everyone, because we have different social roles. Different social expectations in different social enviroments. Usually the way you behave in a new environment is you mirror the other person who has the same role as you.

I don't think you can be extremely friendly from the beginning. Sure, smile and be social, but have a more neutral attitude, a benevolent neutrality, don't start making jokes or saying what we ate last night when you barely know each other, you need that familiarity before that freedom to make jokes. As you get to know the other person, you can slowly turn into that. The closer you are with a person, the more you can afford with them and the more of their true colors they'll show.

Someone once said that the best way to hit on a person is indirect, the person hit on doesn't even know they are hit on and so they don't put their guard up, they just view you as talkative or as in need of help or whatever. And that challenging people is important because in fact, we all like to be challenged. It can be any form of challenge, from a literal challenge to a game to a verbal challenge of how is in the right to jokingly disconsidering her.

What is the difference between needy and entitled? social fairness. What she's doing, is it fair? no. Then you're entitled. Is it fair? yes. Then you're needy. For example, say you managed to get a date, and 2 days before that day you ask her if the date is still on. Is this needy or entitled? It's entitled, you would do the same with a friend, to make sure the date is still on, or meeting in case with a friend. There's nothing especially desperate about it. Is it fair to ask for such a thing? yes, because your time and resources are valueable. Is it fair to spam 10 times with 10 messages? no. That looks especially desperate since it's clear from the first lack of reply that she doesn't want to talk. It's okay to try to insist 2 or 3 times, and probably assume the date is off, but it's the actions and are especially desperate and lack social fairness that come across as needy rather than entitled.

*What about women who like bad boys, shouldn't you also be a little mean?*

You can be a nice guy with a hint of bad boy and also desperate about her. Desperate in the sense of in love and very carring and attentive towards her. In fact, people are rarely just one thing, even the nicest guy has a hint of bad boy when he posts an angry message with the Joker after he was pushed around, it's not much, but it shows that that aggressiveness is there, just burried. Most often, people are not just one thing.

Someone once told me that the woman will always try to test your limits, to find your limits. So that she can make you her dog, so that she can see how long she can keep it up until you say "stop". If you're a man or if you aren't. "Are we doing how I am saying?", until you say "stop, no, we are no doing how you are saying". A man has to have authority, to say his point of view, but without insults or beating and so on. And that so that a man can be in love with a woman, he has to stay more after her, at least one month, for the woman to be a bit hard to get, not to be so easy to get.

You can also be indirect not towards the other person, but towards other people around you in general, to be discrete in your romantic dealings, to make advances but not on the face where only the person that you make advances towards knows what is about. Like, trying to get physically closer to her, touching her etc, buying her a drink or something, giving her a place to sit next to you, asking her "can I come with you?" so you can have some time with her, etc. Being indirect towards other people while making advances towards the person you're attracted towards.

You don't need to be a bad boy, you just need not to be a wuss, chicken, dummy, beta, you get the slang. Someone who, if a woman would make advances towards him, would not know what to do, or would be afraid to also make the advances himself. As for "paying for a woman" such as the above example with buying her a drink, it's perfectly normal and legit, if you're feeling well with that woman, what does it matter whether you buy her a drink or a place at the table? it's a nice gesture. It's not like you're buying her a house or a car, it's not at all like that.

However, on the other side of the bar, instead of trying to laugh and smile and have a good time with the other person, to have a fun time together, some people are bitter or hostile or cruel because of their frustration and the other person can sense that, it slips. Personally, I like to look one step further and try to understand the person. The people who are bitter are so because they are unhappy, the people who brag a lot do so because deep down they feel unappreciated.

But other people don't, if they see you mean-spirited they are going to assume that's just how you are, and sometimes they are right as some people are genuinely mean-spirited, not due to frustrations, and leave you alone. Instead of being warm, smile, polite, etc; to make a good impression. Being bitter also makes you look more threatening, and when someone looks threatening, people like to avoid him.

Optimism and confidence can also be important, because optimism and confidence can reach the other person. We speak beyond words with non-verbal messages. A smile is very important. And not only in dating, but for example, when a man meets with a another man, when we shake hands, we should neither break their hand nor be soft, giving the feeling that we are a person he cannot rely on. To try to be relaxed, I know it's easy in theory but it's harder in practice.

It is important not to be extremely friendly, it is not a long-term friend context in which another relationship is established, this is a strangers who have just met context, a too familiar attitude is not very appropriate. A more neutral attitude, a benevolent neutrality, we don't start making jokes or saying what we ate last night. Pay attention to the tendency to talk excessively, because sometimes due to emotions we start talking excessively.

Body language can also give away nervousness, when you won't sit on the chair and so on, always move around or can't seem to find your place. Of course, you can be an active person by yourself in general. Trust is gained, you don't just randomly walk up to someone and say "I am here to help you, to support you".

But that's getting a bit off-topic, why is it important to also have a hint of bad boy? If you’re spending a ton of time wondering how to get girls to simply like you, you’re probably focusing on the wrong thing. Because if a girl only likes you, she'll be polite to you, she'll be nice to you (maybe), she'll put you in the friend zone, and she will not sleep with you. And if she doesn’t sleep with you,(or even see you as a potential sexual prospect), you’ll never have a chance at anything even resembling a relationship with her. Here’s the bottom line: The actions you take to make a girl like you are completely opposite to the actions you need to take to make her deeply attracted to you.

Let me ask you a question, do you want the 9s and 10s? or the 5’s and 6’s? Kind of a “duh” question, but here’s the thing. Attractive girls have lots and lots of choices, and they’re not daydreaming about the “average nice guy” just like you’re not dreaming about the 5’s and 6’s. Hot girls know they can do better. Your goal shouldn’t be for a girl to simply see you as the average nice guy that she “likes”. Your goal should be to make her intensely attracted to you. She has to see you as a 9 or a 10, and not just a “nice guy” 5 or 6. So stop wondering how to get your crush to like you, and read on to figure out how to get the girl you like to truly want you.

Some nice guys are fakes. In fact, some nice guys are usually anything but nice. Your “nice guy” attitude is just a coping mechanism for reality being just too harsh. You’re nice because you can’t get away with not being nice.

When you’re nice you are nothing but a doormat to women. And women, especially hot ones, can spot a fake nice guy from miles away. By being nice you show her that you’ve gotten bad social reactions in the past from not being nice and that you’re not strong enough to deal with the social blowback. So the only option left for you is to act nicely so you don’t get picked on or abused.

You’re basically saying to women that you’re a beta male that’s too afraid to be polarizing. A guy that’s too afraid to say what he really thinks. Not to mention be who he really is.

And let’s be honest here. Do you really just want to be friends with the 10? Of course not. You want to be with her, admit it. And you’re not going to get any closer to that by being a nice guy and by wondering how to make a girl “like” you. Girls don’t see nice guys as sexual partners, they don’t sleep with guys that they just like.

Women don't like nice guys because that's what most men are to them. Those same girls can see straight through that “nice guy” facade and it sickens them. So they want something different, they crave a ballsy, unique, high value guy that can spark their emotions and make them feel things. That's the key word, feel things, for attraction is a feeling.

Women have evolved to look for traits that will ensure the survival of their offspring (even if you’re not literally having babies together just yet). When you’re just nice you’re not displaying any of the traits or behaviors of a man that would, evolutionarily speaking, benefit her and her offspring. You’re being insincere about your true intentions, and that tells her that you don’t have the guts to go after what you want. You’re trying to sneak your way into her, which is a very low-value position. So stop wondering how to make a girl like you and start asking yourself how to make her crave you instead.

Now that you know that being just “liked” will lead to nothing but platonic and mediocre relationships, let’s talk about the traits and behaviors that you need to display so that you can learn how to make a girl truly want you. Someone once said: She doesn't care if you like her, you have to be alpha first.

Okay, so what makes a man attractive to hot women? To get a girl attracted to you, you need to do things that might potentially make her hate you. I know it might sound contradictory, but here’s the thing. There are certain personality traits that make women feel intense attraction, and if you want to learn how to get your crush to love you, you better start to display some of these traits and behaviors.

Women madly love men who take risks, who are resilient, strong, and decisive. They love men who are leaders. These are the traits of alpha males.

And there are three specific traits that make a man attractive for women. An attractive man takes risks. Attractive alpha males play to win, and when you play to win you will have to take some risks. To get the girl to want you, maybe even chase you, you will have to risk losing her as well. There’s no middle ground.

Those same actions and behaviors that might lead to a girl hating you, can also spark an uncontrollable attraction towards you, and she’ll end up loving you, head over heels obsessed with you, and waking up next to you after a hot steamy night together.

The fact that you take risks tells her that you’ve gotten good social feedback out of those actions in the past, and even if you’ve gotten rejection it says that you are strong enough to handle it. And those are behaviors of a high-value man, those are the traits that show her that you’re the alpha male that she wants.

An attractive man is resilient and strong. Women are biologically attracted to strong and resilient men. Why? Because, biologically speaking, any woman needs to make sure that her offspring will get the best possible genes, even if you’re not going to have babies with her, it’s in their biology to be sexually attracted to these traits.

Thousands of years ago, humans lived in very harsh conditions, and only the strongest and most resilient ones survived, that’s why women will love you when you display strength and resilience. If a woman mated with the best hunter in the tribe, she knew she’d always had food and protection. Which dramatically increased her and her children’s chances of survival.

On the other hand, mating with the nice guy of the tribe didn’t make things any better for her or her children. And that’s why women don’t sleep with nice guys, it goes against their biology. Let me ask you something. If you had to pick sides on a fight, would you go with the strong and resilient one? Or would you side with the lame, meek nice guy who never takes risks?

I thought so, and women are the same. They want a guy who can protect them and lead them to survival and even prosperity. Which leads me to my next point.

An attractive man is a leader. Historically, being an alpha male meant that you were a leader of a tribe. And the best way for women to make sure that their offspring would get the highest quality genes was by mating with the leaders. If you want girls who stand out (the 9s and the 10s), you have to stand out yourself. And you do that by displaying the behaviors and traits explained above.

Most importantly, you must assertively lead the interaction without any hesitation. You must dominate the conversation. Because that’s how leaders behave. And women are crazy about men that can lead. So now that you know how to make a girl want you, and the behaviors and traits that women feel attraction towards, let’s talk about the mindset you need to have so that you get girls to love you.

And not just girls in general, but the girl you actually want. What do women want? A question that men have asked since the dawn of well, man. And here’s the answer: Women want both the man with the best possible genes and the man who will stick around and raise their kids.

And they’re not necessarily the same person! It’s a little confusing, right. Well, here’s the good news. When she’s thinking about sleeping with someone, she doesn’t care much about whether you’ll stick around to raise kids, she’s mostly looking for the behaviors and traits of an alpha male, the ones mentioned above.

So when you first approach a girl, your mindset should never be: "How do I get her to like me?" because if that’s your mindset, you’re going to play it safe, you’re not going to take any risks, and when you do that, the interaction will end with either her saying: "Well, it was nice meeting you! Later."

Or you’ll end up getting friend-zoned. A shoulder she cries on while she sleeps with a guy she perceives as being a true alpha male. Besides, you already know that the goal is not to be liked. We’ve established this. The goal is to knock her socks off, the goal is to be amazing, the goal is to play to win, rather than to play to not lose.

And you do that by displaying the behaviors mentioned above.

You know when a girl says: "You know when you like a guy, and then he's mean to you, but then like you're confused and then he's nice to you and then and then" and she's getting all wrapped up and all emotional about this thing. And that actually really hits the point which is that women don't dislike nice behavior and they don't even dislike nice guys, they dislike desperate low-value guys who know only one coping strategy which is to be nice. They don't like guys that have no choice but to be nice.

Think of it this way, say that you're in school and there's a professor who always gives an A to everybody. You go to his class you get an A, you don't feel any boost in self-esteem from getting that a because he gave it to everybody. On the other hand, say there's a professor that's like really harsh, he's known as a great professor world renowned but he fails half the class. You get a B in his class you feel amazing about yourself. But he actually treated you
less nicely, he did less for you in a way, for your grades than the guy who gave you an A. But you actually value it because you actually worked for it.

The methaphor with the A teacher this this one: if a guy is nice all the time, the girl probably will dislike him, will think of him low value and actually interestingly enough won't trust him, because she will feel like he's nice because that's the only way he knows to get through the world, he's nice because he's afraid that if he's not nice he'll get negative social feedback.

And so she'll actually distrust your niceness she'll think you're trying to kiss her as she'll think that you have an agenda. *On the other hand, if you're generally nice but you occasionally stand up and speak your mind, you occasionally say something a little mean or rude and you stand up for yourself, you show that you can get through life without being nice*, now every single time you are nice it's not taken with a grain of salt anymore, it's actually seen as real, because you had times when you were not nice.

It's actually trusted because the person knows absolutely you can get through life without using that as a coping strategy. She knows you're capable of not being nice so your niceness is not just taken as some meaningless gesture, it's taken as it must actually be real.

*The ironic thing is this: You can actually be nicer by occasionally being a jerk. If you occasionally are not nice, your niceness has more value*. And overall you can give more niceness to a person, whereas if you're nice all the time, your niceness will not be trusted, will not be respected, will not even be liked. So do not be the nice guy to try and make her experience better, you're just gonna make her bored and distrusting. Be the guy who stands up for himself, the guy who genuinely does what he thinks is right but has good intentions for her.

And that's the type of nice guy you want to be. A nice guy with a hint of bad boy. A nice guy who can be a little mean at times. A nice guy who can get away with not being nice. You don't want to be the total jerk that is toxic for her and makes her life worse, that's not good either and girls don't like that either. But they definitely don't like the pushover, they don't like the pathetic low value guy who can only be nice.

*The issue is not the nice behavior, it's where they think the nice behavior is coming from that makes it a problem.*

Let's talk about this in practice: have you ever had girls that liked you and at the same time girls that you liked but they didn't like you? The reason for that is that you started acting differently around the latter. You started acting differently around them, you started acting quite frankly weird around them. Going out of your way to be around them, going out of your way to agree with them, going out of your way to have similarities with them. And quite possibly made them think you were weird and freak them out because it's like "oh he agrees with me on everything, oh he has everything in common, it's just a little weird, it's a little too convenient", it's a little too fake, right?

And also, not be willing to take risks, not be willing to say or do things that offend them. And so, even if they tolerate you politely or think you are like a nice guy, there was no validation associated there. They knew they had so, so why would they work for you, why would they chase you? And really, in terms of attraction you want to get the girls chasing you.

*On the other hand, with the girls you're not attracted to, you can just tell it like it is. If they say something dumb you can just tell them it was dumb*. If there was a controversial opinion you would express it, just express it and wouldn't worry if you'd be judged, you wouldn't worry if they agreed with it. And so those girls really liked you, those girls really got attracted to you. And this should show you the way forward when you actually meet a girl, which is be willing to speak your mind, be willing to be offensive, be yourself.

Don't try and be offensive just to be offensive, but don't try and be nice just to be nice either. If you are walking up to a girl cold and you are just like giving compliments: "hey you're so cute", "hey I really like you", "hey I'd like to take you on a date". Well, she doesn't know you yet, you don't know her, yet the only reason you could possibly like her that much "I wanna take her on a date" it's two things: one you think she's physically attractive, and two you want to sleep with her. That's called having an agenda, that's called wanting something from her rather than wanting to give something to her. You cannot like someone until you got to know that person.

*You can be soft and loving, but look at her personality, if you don't like her for her personality, you might as well like any other woman, it's not special.*

On the other hand, if you just act like yourself and you're willing to express opinions, you're willing to say things that are a little bit controversy, a little bit negative, you would even give her a hard time or tease her a little bit, well now she must be thinking "oh this guy's capable of high-value behaviors, oh this guy's a challenge, oh this guy's actually being real and honest with me".

*Because she will assume maybe were trying to butter up and compliment her, you're being dishonest, but if you tell "what I don't know if we're gonna get along" why would that be dishonest?* it doesn't even make sense, right? So speak from where you're really coming from, also give her a little bit of challenge, give her a little bit we call it push-pull. So, instead of a "you're really cute could I please talk with you", that's pathetic, that's way too nice. Instead, say: "hey, you're really cute I thought I'd meet you and find out if you're actually cool", that little bit of a challenge, that little bit of if you're actually cool, that little bit of I'm undecided about you, is going to make her sit up and take notice, it's going to make her treat you like a genuine guy who's not just buttering her up, and it's also going to make you seem like a high-value guy.

Because high-value guys have standards, high value guys don't just like a girl automatically for how her having done nothing, right since that's one concept that's called qualifying a girl, another concepts called push-pull, instead of being like "hey you're really cute", be like "you know what you're kind of attractive so I thought I'd come over and say hi".

The fact that you toned it down to kind of attractive, the fact that it's normal, should be "kind of? what do you mean?". And again it may stir her up and take notice, it also means you're not just kissing her as, it's actually gonna make her trust you more and it's actually gonna make the nice things you do down the road more meaningful to her.

The same is true with compliments, *if you only compliment some of the time, and are willing to be honest about how a certain thing looks like, when you're complimenting it's actually valued more because you're being honest*. Your compliment is not taken with a grain of salt because you were not complimenting so many times. 

Do girls like jerks? Not intristically. Do girls like nice guys? like, not the pathetic and wussy guy who can only be nice, certainly not, but do girls like guys who are real as in honest and high value but capable of being nice? yes. That's the sweet spot you want to hit on.

*The guy who stands up for himself, the guy who is honest about what he likes and dislikes, even what he likes and dislikes about her dress, or how her hair is like right now, even willing to state a controversial political opinion and genuinely does what he thinks is right but has good intentions for her*. So nice behavior are not inherently bad, but if all you have is nice behaviors, you're boring, you look pathetic, and ironically: you're going to be perceived as less nice and less trusted than someone who is occasionally nice.

You will be perceived as having an agenda if you are too nice. So get away from that, be your honest self. Put it out there. If you honestly disagree with the girl, say it. If you honestly want to tease the girl, take that risk. *Occasionally, yes you will offend the girl with your teasing, more often than not though: she'll respect you for it, she'll appreciate it and she'll get much more attracted to you as a ressult*.

Part 1 end.


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## Dezir (Nov 25, 2013)

Part 2.

*How to be funny?*

In order to approach her, you have to find a pretext. Either offering to help her with something or asking for help with something. And excuse to get to talk with each other. It can be any excuse as long as its plausible. The conversation can be about anything you're mutually interested in. If you're not mutually interested in anything ask her about her interests until you find out. You can make conversation about anything around you as long as you make the converation fun for her.

What about jokes? Obviously, jokes are an important part of having fun with each other. The more fun she has the better she feels and the more likely she is to say yes to you, to accept your requests for a date or other things. There was saying "if you want her to like you, make her laugh", that's the short way to put it. You can do any kind of joke, everything is okay as long as you two laugh and have a good time. It's also important to be able to be each other around each other, to be able to express yourselves, to not feel restricted or controlled, for this someone has to make the first step, a small step, and maybe the other will follow, when he does, keep going and so on.

You can make any kind of jokes: self-humor as in dissing yourself in a fun way with a tone that gives it away that I'm joking, absurdity as in making fun of things that make no sense, sarcasm as in implying the opposite of what is obvious. Some girls like to be made fun of, to have a bit of negative emotional spikes in the conversation as well. If you want to tease them, make sure you already are familiar enough with each other when you do and keep it respectful, do not be offensive, you can be touchy and stingy but not offensive. It's very important to be funny not insulting.

We remember things that are surprising out of the ordinary, emotional spikes if you may. That's why things such as talking about what she likes, smiling and laughing, goofy humor, helping her, showing her that you're being there for her or being romantic work. They cause very positive emotional spikes. If you do something on the extreme positive emotional spike, it will be remembered.

If you do something on the extreme negative spike, down below the normal threshold it will also be remembered. But that's not always a bad thing. Yes, if you are remembered for being cruel with others, lacking empathy for the suffering of others or lacking a moral code and completely disconsidering other people, that is bad. Being remembered for not being nice is bad, don't be that. All those "nice guys finish last" vs "bad boys get the girls" are superficial ways of looking at things that ignore a lot of details, both about the men, who need to be nice but have to have other qualities to make them attractive as well, and women who are not all interested in a brute or a strongman or a bodyguard, but a partner, which is why it's essential to be nice. However, you can create the good type of extreme negative spike by: giving your honest opinion, teasing, not texting daily.

Teasing is when you're mocking someone. Teasing is essentially mocking. Teasing has to be non-hurtful. You can be offensive yet respectful. The purpose is to entertain the other person, not make them feel bad. Girls like to be made fun of, to mess with them, downplay them or their belongings. Start with something light and escalate, if you see that they don't like it, go down. Teasing is only good when the other person can take it. If the teasing isn't taken well, then the teasing was bad regardless whether the teasing was objectively good or bad, you got to mold yourself on other people, be malleable, not everyone takes teasing as well as you do. Positive feedback is when they laugh and reply back, negative feedback is when they don't reply or look upset even if they don't tell you.

*Generally, it's okay to cross some limit, if you are on the border and don't know whether a joke is good and appropiate, go for it and see the ressult. You will have more experience and take the feedback*. Whether positive or negative. But if you always stay passive, you will always stay in the unknown, in the lack of experience, lack of knowledge, because you never go for it. So if you're at the limit of being offensive, be willing to be offensive and see how it goes. It's not the end of the world if they are offended once or twice, and now you will know and adjust. But these are for the cases where you're uncertain and have dobuts, ideally, jokes are only fine as long as the other person also feels fine. *Like, if your mockery is clearly upsetting and continue to be upsetting, stop*. But at the same time, don't make a catastrophe out of this, they might be offended once, but it will pass, and you got the feedback.

Light teasing is making fun of things that are clearly false, such as making fun of a very skinny person that they are getting fat, clearly not true, or making fun of someone that they are a bad cook when you're eating their food, again, clearly not true. If their food was so bad you wouldn't eat it. Or making fun of things that are true but the other person isn't interested in. Such as making fun of someone that they can't run, that may be true, but they have no interest in being a better runner, and being good at running isn't something important to them so they would feel insecure about it.

There is a certain arrogance in teasing but in a jokingly way. Yes, you are willing to offend, but you are not real insulting in a way like "hey, you're ugly" or any direct way of putting it. Teasing can also come from stating the obvious or making stereotypes. Or simple things like "I know you're going to lose". *You can also tease in a positive way "You are always one step ahead of us", this is a teasing in the form of a praise*.

There is also comeback in teasing. You don't deny your opponent's words, but change their words into something good for you or bad for them. You can exaggerate, for at the end of the day teasing is make in a jokingly spirit and doesn't mean anything. Teasing essentially says "you are lower than me" but in a jokingly way.

At the end of the day, the main goal of jokes is to feel good with one another, to have fun, this is why it's important to know whether the other person can take the teasing. If you make fun of someone and they get upset it's not okay. The goal is not to offend the other person but to laugh of the other person. It's also important that you yourself are not too conflictual, don't take jokes too seriously. Sometimes you are at that limit between being offensive and not being. Go for it. If you end up being offensive, you will adjust. If you never go for it, you will never know and always wonder. If you did actually end up being offensive, apologize and say you didn't mean it. They might be offended once, but it will pass.

Eventually, you can ask them to make sure. Do my jokes offend you? If they do, please tell me, I don't want to offend you but sometimes I may cross the line without being aware of it. They may appreciate the gesture and will understand that your real intention is to have fun with one another, that you don't mean to offend them.

*But not every joke has to be a mockery, you can be just funny in general*. Making jokes is an absolutely essential part in having fun with each other. You can have fun in other ways like doing fun activities, but making jokes is probably the simplest and is universally valid. The magic of the humor is in it's absurdity, things are funny because they are ridiculous, either ridiculously simple or ridiculously wrong, they make no sense, or when you see something that is already ridiculous and exaggerate it even further is also funny, sarcasm works the same way, you say something that it's so ridiculous it can't be true, because you mean the opposite.

*Make jokes, but make sure your jokes are appropiate*. Light jokes that either make fun of nobody or of someone but very lightly. Depending on how close you are and what you can afford with each other, *it's okay if they are a bit upset after a joke, if they feel attacked*, being stingy or simulating sadness or being offended, not for real but simulating it in a joke spirit, you can tell. *The problem is not to make the joke offensive as in personally insulting, you attack something that's real and personal to the other person, not one of their belongings or temporary things*. Light fun, with slight superiority for yourself without bragging or lack of skill for the other. Make fun in the limit of decency.

People look forward to enjoyable conversations, not just any kind of conversations, which implies talking about interesting things, open-ended discussions, storytelling about something funny and such, but also things like making fun of each other like teasing or nagging. Boys to boys is fair game, you can make fun of almost anything. But in boys to girls the humour has to be respectful, shooting with blind bullets. Making fun of someone has to be a bit cutting or spicy, it has to imply a negative trait, but at the same time it should not represent anything.

It has to be something that is clearly false: "look, even animals run away from you", "don't worry about failing in life, you can always work as a janitor". Or if they are right about something: "even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in a while", "you are such a backstabber, I expected more from you" or "I knew I shouldn't trust you" with the light tonality that gives it away that it's a joke. Or use their own words against them, change the narrative. When someone challenges you, you need to learn to give good replies so that you win the talk fight, to have good comebacks.

Keeping in touch with the "girls like guys who are real as in honest and high value but capable of being nice" and "if you show that you can get through life without being nice, now every single time you are nice it's not taken with a grain of salt anymore, it's actually seen as real, because you had times when you were not nice." or "if you only compliment some of the time, and are willing to be honest about how a certain thing looks like, when you're complimenting it's actually valued more because you're being honest. Your compliment is not taken with a grain of salt because you were not complimenting so many times", thematics from above, in order to make someone attracted to you, you have to make them feel either out of the ordinary negative and positive. 

The same principle of honesty can be used in teasing, just be honest about what you find funny. Chances are, you're not unfunny because you can't think of funny things, you're unfunny because you censor yourself too much. When you censor yourself too much because "it might be offensive", you eventually remain with nothing left to say. Yes, it might be offensive, no denying that, but it my also be funny and the other person might take the joke well, if you honestly find it funny, go ahead and say it.

People have all sorts of emotions during the day, most of which are neutral, and we usually don't remember most events on days from our lives, but we remember those that were incredibly negative or positive. The same is true with people, we remember those that made us experience out of the ordinary negative or positive experiences.

Obviously, fully negative is bad, if someone gives you only negative experiences there's no reason to be attracted to them, you would detest them. But so is fully positive, if before you even had a date, you know that someone is always interested in you and is always there for you, whenever you call he will answer 'like a dog', you kind of take them for granted, he is there. But a mix of positive and negative seems to do the trick. Negative absolutely does not mean being a jerk, but it can mean having jokes where you downplay her, when someone 'attacks you'.

You know, make a fun and pleasant conversation with that person revolved around laughing with each other. Girls like to be made fun of, as long as the make fun of is light and respectful. You have to get used to lowering the filer on what you say but keep your words soft and respectful as you're talking to a girl. Make fun of things that are clearly false, depending on how close you are. You should make jokes without upsetting her, but you can't always know when you have overstepped the line, and sa I said above, it's better to try and take feedback and never try and always wonder. Lack of practice doesn't lead to experience, practice with failure leads to experience, and if you have practice with success all the great.

Personally, I like that simulated battle of wits, it isn't real and makes no sense, really says nothing at the end of the day, but it's funny. On the positive side, it can also equally mean having jokes where you make her feel amused. Other form of jokes are on the positive side: normal jokes about various things, self-irony, something absurd, changing the context or making fun of someone not related to the discussion.

Of course not every joke or battle of wits has to be a personal attack on the other person, it can be simulating sadness or making a reference, not backing down, implying you did nothing wrong, and when it is a personal attack, it can be a very light one, such as implying they don't understand a certain thing, that they don't have culture, or implying certain things, making fun of a trait of them that is not very offensive. Something that they don't care about and won't offend them. You can also do the same thing with yourself, make self-irony, make fun of yourself in equal measure, to offer some reassurance. What I mean by respectful is not necessarly humble but to take into account how other people feel.

Humor makes you happy and helps you cope with pain, stress and adversity. The things that are ridiculous are usually benign violations, violations are anything that threaten the way you believe the world ought to be, simply put, something seems wrong. *Violations take many forms, from violations of social norms, to violations of moral norms*. *Benign is something not harmful in effect*, one way to make a violation benign is to not be strongly committed to the social norm like if you see a priest in rapper clothes and you're not a religious person, if it's psychologically distant as in it occurs to someone else or happened long time ago or just doesn't seem real like a friend falling into an open sewer is less funny than a stranger, or if there is an alternative explaination that somehow make the violation ok like play fight or trickling because both are mock attacks.

Situations that are purely benign are not funny, there's no threat there and explains why you can't tickle yourself. Situations that are pure violations, or what we call malign violations, violations evil in nature are also not funny. *Walking down the stairs, no violation, not funny. Falling down the stairs but being unhurt, benign violation, funny. Falling down the stairs and being badly hurt, malign violation, not funny*. Puns are basically violations of linguistic norms that also seem ok.

Because a violation is a necessary condition for humor, you may experience some negative emotions in addition to your amusement. Such as in normal violations, when someone is treated unfairly but probably deserves it, like insert 100$ to see how stupid you are, the person who inserts the 100$ probably deserves it. While bringing tragic violations closer makes them less funny, like a friend falling down the stairs and getting hurt less funny than a stranger, when it comes to mild violations it's the opposite, a friend stepping on a curb is funnier than a stranger doing it. Some things are funnier when perceived up close than when from a far perspective.

There are multiple types of humor: exaggeration, missdirection, storytelling, teasing aka mockery, sarcasm, roleplay and puns. Humor is something absurd, out of the ordinary, it's funny because it is a violation that does no harm, a benign violation. Just never be the first to laugh at your own joke, adjust your humor to fit the audience, have confident body language and tonality, as nervous body langauge will kill the fun vibe: open up your body, don't talk too fast, don't fidget, show that it's all fun and games; and keep calm and carry on because humor is hit and miss.

*How to make a woman comfortable with you during the conversation?*

How to create comfort with a woman? how to make her to get closer to you? How to make her get a feeling of "I feel like I know this guy from a long time, I feel like I know you from long ago"? *Through having as many situations as possible together*.

The more contexts of you + her, the better for you. *The more things you do together, the more emotions and the more subjects of discussion, the more places in real life when you meet, this is exactly what leads to that feeling of "I know him for a long time" of familiarity*, "I feel comfortable with him", "I have confidence in him", "he got under my skin".

It's not so much about what you say, and you don't have to take your time on the conversation and think that "It has to pass a lot of time, a certain amount of days or weeks so that she will feel comfortable with me". It depends a lot of context and it depends a lot on interaction.

There are interactions where you can make her feel comfortable with you in an hour or two, or interaction where you can make her feel comfortable with you over a few hours, but at the end of the day she will have the feeling of "It's like I know him for a long time", I feel safe with him, I feel comfortable, I can tell him a lot more things about myself, I can do a lot more things with him".

The more emotions the more that feeling of "I feel comfortable", the more contexts, the more games like roleplaying, the more activies with you and her and a certain context, the more this thing with "I feel comfortable" will happen. Women are emotional beings, the more emotions, the more contexts, the more that vibe of "we are together", "we are close", "I feel comfortable with you".

You can ask questions, you can talk about absolutely anything with a woman, it matters at lot more how you say it than what you say. *You can open various topic of discussions, it doesn't have to make sense or follow a well established logic, the more emotions the better, you can have simulatenous topics, not take one topic at a time*. Don't take vibe, take value, take energy, but offer vibe, over value, offer energy. You don't take energy from her, you give energy. The more subjects of discussion, the more emotions, the more thing you do together, the more contexts, the more things you do together, the better.

*Do relationships come down to what do you have to offer?*

Yes, I think it comes down to "what do I have to offer?" because *a relationship isn't charity.* For all the "selflessness of love" that is promoted by TV, media, etc, because "it's love!", I think *love is an inherently selfish feeling*, I also think there's nothing wrong with that and it's normal. You don't love someone because you're doing them a favor, you love them because you, yourself, are loving them, and you feel good when you love them, and you want to do some thing with them, like hug them and talk to them and walk to them and be with them. I'm not talking sleeping with them as that can be the case in lust too. There's no charity or selflessness in this, you love them because you love them, it's a trade if you wish to see it that way, we both trade qualities and feeling good with one another.

If you think love being selfish is bad, imagine what would it mean for love not to be selfish. *Imagine what would mean for a woman to tell a man "I don't love you, but because you love me and I pity you I will marry you, I'm no doing it for me, I'm doing it for you" or genders-revered*, it's kind of gorss and I think 99% of people would say "you don't have to marry him just because you pity him".

The simpler question of "Are we having a good and chill time together?" can be translated as: *"What do you have to offer? a good and chill time and the possibility to be ourselves around each other"*. You still offer something to the relationship, bring something to the table, and I'm not talking about material things, for attraction is about how you make them feel.

The level of interest matters, at least in the early stage of a relationship. If you see that they like you, you can make it clear you like them too, even tell them "I like you" or "you're cute", not beautiful as that sounds too pompous and shallow, or "I have remarked you" before asking them for a date. But if you're uncertain whether they like you, you got to talk to them and get the girl like you. Only after you are slightly confident that she likes you, ask her for a date.

You have to take it slowly and be indirect, you can be just friends or a romantic interest until you ask her for a date. After you ask her for a date, it's dead obvious you are a romantic interest. And of course, you can be romantic in those dates, to try to kiss her or hold her hands. I don't recommend trying to kiss her until at least the 3rd date and maximum the 5th date, except in special cases, you got to feel the situation yourself.

While you are being romantic, yes, be tender, with hugs and nice gestures like being a gentleman or giving her gifts that are particular to her, that represent her, but don't go over the top as if you already have a relationship for 5 years, you're still in the point where you are trying to get the girl to like you, you don't already have her. Things like "my special boy/girl", "I love you" or "I'm dead after you" are out of the question become they come across as too much and may make the other person feel uncomfortable. You can do that safely after you're already in an established relationship.

When she shows disinterest, show disinterest in return. If she replies after 1 hour, also reply after 1 hour, mirror her reply rate. But if she's simply being bored with the conversation, don't show disinterest but try to change the subject to make her feel more engaged. It's okay if you send a lot more text than her as long as it's not a ridiculous amount of text. When texting, you should be looking at her engagement, not the amount of text you send. Usually, the man makes the first move and sends a lot more text than the girl.

Again, considering the level of interest, you don't have to play "hard to get", you can simply be easy to get and interesting and someone she has a connection with. Of course, this doesn't mean having no pride of your own as well, a backbone, to not end up a press to wipe on foot and end up getting used by women, you need to have some dignity as well. But not so much dignity that you become too rigid and won't help them with anything, won't listen or consult anyone or won't be willing to talk except about the subjects you like.

When playing "hard to get", people usually make 2 mistakes: They think they have to "play hard to get" when they meet a person, and they think they have to "play hard to get" when that person opens up to them about their feelings. Both are terrible, devastating.

In the first case, because if you don't talk, how are you going to attract them? How are you going even to speak to each other. It's clear and obvious you have to have a level of interest. Not being completely interested does not mean not being interested at all, it means taking it slowly and not going over the top with the declaration of your feelings. If you're uncertain whether they like you, you got to talk to them and get the girl like you before asking for a date. And during the date, while you should be romantic and tender, things like "my special boy/girl", "I love you" or "I'm dead after you" are out of the question become they come across as too much and may make the other person feel uncomfortable, as you're still in the getting the girl to like you phase.

In the second case, because the other person, the girl you date, is taking an enormous risk when they open up to you, women don't usually do this, and there's an enormous fear that you won't reciprocate her feelings. Which you won't, not because you don't feel the same, but because you "play hard to get". Tell you how you feel, reciprocate her feelings when she opens up to you, if you play "hard to get" when they open up to you, it's like you giving them a big hit in the head. They are going to hate it. And they are going to hate your for giving them false hopes and not reciprocating their feelings.

People play "hard to get" because they're afraid of being needy, with that reason, from that level, even approaching a girl in the first place is "a little needy", because you clearly want something from her. But if you don't approach her, it's never going to get anywhere. So, doing the approach, is it needy? maybe a little bit, but most of what it is is confident and entitled.

To get girls to like you, you got to have some confident traits but not mean-spirited traits. Some sort of alpha traits: daring, courage to go and ask, to take initiative, imposing, courage to stand up for yourself when wronged, confidence, looking like you know what you're doing. You can be a good alpha male, an alpha male with common sense, without having a mean-spirited, bitter, cruel side.

It's also okay to have doubts. Doubts are good. It's good to have, doubts. It's better to be in doubt than to sustain a false cause. It's better to be in doubt than to believe false information. People are afriad of doubt, because they focus on having confidence. Don't be, it's good to have doubts. You can have confidence and have doubts as well.

You got to make people feel pleasant around you if you wish to have something to offer, that is beyond other things such as looks or reputation that also matters. This is especially true for women, because while men can date women with no risk, women have to be more picky when it comes to men so they look at the man's reputation as sort of a proxy for the man's character. If they are a decent person, if they are accepted by their peers, and so on.

Women are more picky because (a) society has different expecations from them: they have to be on the receiving end of being asked for a date, the more partners a woman had the less of a "pure woman" she is, that makes no sense for me but society judges them that way. And (b) maybe it's biological as well: the woman has to carry the baby, she has to invest a lot in a partner for care and protection, where as for a man, not that much, you can have your way with someone and then just leave with no consequences. I'm talking purely from an evolutional biological point of view, because although we do not live in jungle anymore, our brains still think this way on some level.

In order to do that, you have to be a person who is considerate of other people and who is able to feel itself how it makes other people feel. Because people won't tell you all the time when you've bothered them or made them feel bad. There is a sense of fairness in society, a sense of justice, you need to be aware if you bother other people and if in all fairness you are the one who is the ahole in a certain situation, even if you don't think of yourself as one.

This is not the same as being weak or a wuss because this doesn't mean not standing up for yourself when you are wrong, and that's the key word: when you are wrong. The difference between a jerk and a person who is simply being defensive is context. Social context to be more exact, this is why you need to feel yourself when you bother other people, not only that, but people won't always tell you if you have bothered them or been an ahole to them, out of shyness or decency.

You need to understand the person you are talking to, to build a connection with them, and also to have a sense of social fairness where you stand up for yourself when you are being in the right and apolgize when you are being in the wrong, people will appreciate if you apologize if you have been improper or even immoral at some point in time.

If socially speaking, you have done nothing wrong, then it's not your fault. You have nothing to apologize for, but if you're the one who morally speaking caused an inconvenience or problem for other people, you should apologize. You have all the right to stand up for your rights when you're mistreated or wronged, and bring up arguments. Just like you should admit and own up to your mistakes. You got to be a decent person, conforming with generally accepted standards of respectable or moral behaviour.

You also got to feel yourself how you make other people feel because people won't always tell you how you make them feel, as mentioned, either out of shyness or decency, which is why you got to learn how to read people, how to read and anticipate their emotions, and look not to upset or bother the other person, and if you do apologize. It won't make you a wuss or weak, which is what some people are afraid of, because as mentioned this means that you are able to stand up for yourself when fairly speaking you are in the right.

You got to feel the way you make other people feel and establish a connection with them, build raport. If you're too inconsiderate, you will end up being avoided by people and having bad relationships based on shallow reasons such as looks or physically strength.

*But there is a 2nd way to view this: Is there still value in niceness as in being attentive?*

These things from above, with physical attractiveness, assertiveness, not being hesitant and going for it, being aware how you present yourself and how you're being perceived, having a fun personality, bringing in the fun, greeting them warmly, with a smile, having a fun conversation, joking around, teasing her a little bit, having some good conversations and good vibe, doing something fun, proposing to do something fun, being assured, the belief that you are right and what you're doing is good, a frame that if true then would get the girl to like you, that you are attractive, having an attitude that makes you feel assured, are sort of hard-skills if you could call them that. This is sort of what bad boys or alpha males have that makes them attractive.

But, that's not the whole story, you can also attract with the softness of your heart, it can multiply whatever attraction you can create with the hard-skills, although you also need to have some hard-skills beside softness otherwise you risk going into the friendzone box.

If you are good looking, assertive, fun and assured, if you are triggering and sparking attraction in a girl, being attentive as well will massively magnify it. Here is why, girls like two kinds of things: the highest value guy no matter what and the guy who will stick around and help her. And the perfect mix is the high value guy that for some reason finds them special and cares about them and will stay around even though the girl doesn't deserve him.

A lot of guys know how to be attentive, but they don't know how to be assertive and assured. On the other side, a lot of guys know how to be cocky jerks, but they don't know how to be real, they don't know how to be genuine, they don't know how to actually connect with the girl. So if you have that as well, it's going to put you on a whole another tier in terms of the girls getting attracted to you and really falling in love with you.

The problem with friendzone guys is not that they are too nice, there is no such thing as too nice, the problem with the friendzone is that they are only nice, they cannot be otherwise when necessary. As stated previously, would you rather spend time with a pleasant but kind of dull person or the fun one who can liven up a room and make you feel good?

Don't worry that much about making a social mistake, it's not about not doing less wrong things, but about making most things right.

You can attract with the softness of your heart, being attentive, treating them with care and consideration, showing you're a good person, with decency, etc. Someone who does things for others and shows appreciation when things are done for him. If you did something wrong, apologize, not on the too humble side as in desperation but on the genuine side, and say that you will make up for it. Character is not as important as fun, but people look at the character as well, as said above, if you can be fun but also have a good character it will put you on a whole new level in terms of the girls getting attracted to you and falling in love with you.

Be lighthearted, this will make them feel comfortable around you. A person that others can pull up the laces with, that others can afford familiarities with. A person that doesn't judge and shows that doesn't judge. I don't recommend doing it at a job or in a formal setting, but outside the job in a group of friends on when you're talking one-on-one, you can pull up the laces with with them and talk to them as equals. Being lighthearted makes people more comfortable around you, knowing that they are free to be themselves around you, it also shows that you are in good relations, that you're at least a good friend, for you can't afford familiarities with everybody.

Be the kind of person that you can talk anything with, that people can feel they can talk anything with, that is non-judgmental and your first reaction is of support. The kind of person that people can feel free to share what is bothering them with, for they know you will support them and won't invalidate their feelings, telling them they are not supposed to feel a certain way, whatever they are feeling, they are right. The real question is what are you doing from there, or whether they are looking just for comfort or a solution to their problem. Sometimes people don't want a solution, they just want emotional support. If you show that you won't agree with certain behaviors, they won't upen up themselves to you out of fear or being rejected or parented, given a lesson when they are most vulnerable.

Some would argue that nice guys don't finish last, bad guys posing as nice do. That most people who say that “kindness is a weakness” are giving with expectation. When your “kindness” is loaded with an “ask” on the back end, people can smell it from a mile away. You’re not actually being nice, you’re just using kindness as a disguise to get what you want from the relationship. If you “give” with a hidden agenda, your kindness will feel fake, and people will notice.

When you give without expectation, you’re happy no matter what. You can’t be taken advantage of because you’re playing a different game. Even if I provide all the value in the relationship and I get nothing back in the short term, the worst case scenario is that I had a positive impact on somebody through my actions. As a human being, that makes me feel really good. Don’t feel bad when people take advantage of your kindness. Feel bad for them because if they’re trying to take advantage of you, it shows they’re not in a happy place.

The biggest issue for many is that they see bad behavior get ahead in the short term. Because of that, they get tricked into thinking that bad behavior wins the entire game. The issue is that they’re just looking at the first quarter. They’re just looking at who’s leading at halftime. In the macro, kindness gets rewarded. Someone is always watching. People don’t realize it, but the amount of opportunity gained by good people because of their kindness is enormous. On the flip side, the amount of opportunity lost by bad people because of their bad behavior is also enormous. “Bad” sometimes leads at half-time, but “good” always wins the game and if you give without expectation of those rewards, many times you’ll see them come through.

A lot of people confuse kindness with other things, like being passive or being a pushover. I think kindness is an incredible advantage and a great business strategy. But I’m also a big proponent of “radical candor.” I always share my truth and my honest opinions, even if they’re not politically correct in the modern world. Kindness doesn’t have to come at the expense of being a confident person.

As I go through my own life, I realize how big of a factor this quality is to the success of so many people in business (and in life). It’s not just about sales, negotiation, or working hard. Kindness is a huge part of the equation.

*Why alpha male might not be the right way to go?*

Now, I understand that a guy has to be assertive, fun and assured to be attractive. Because niceness alone won't cut it. Yes, you may be a nice guy, but if you go in a random room, out of 50 people there are at least 20 nice people and that's a conservative estimate. You're not special for being nice, sure, being nice is good, but you have to have more things going on for you than just being nice if you want to be attractive.

On the other hand, I don't subscribe to the "bad boys" or "alpha males" idea of an ideal man. Yes, being nice is not enough because everyone can be just nice. But being a jerk or an asshole is worse than being nice. First of all, it's immoral in principle, so even if it would work I don't like it, because you fundamentally have to change the way you are in order to be an "bad boy" or "alpha male" which I find repulisve, and it's not like a positive improvement, being a "bad boy" or "alpha male" is negative in so many ways.

Second, I don't think that's how it works. Not all women are attracted to bad boys or alpha males, women have different standards just like men have different standards, and the women who are attracted to bad boys or alpha males, are not attracted to their jerkish and inconsiderate behavior itself, but other qualities that they happen to have: confidence, leadership, guts. They have something else to offer in spite of their inconsiderate behavior. The being a jerk part is a tolerated not the main attribute. Also, most but not all bad boys, are not bad with the woman they want to hook up with, they are bad with other people around them.

Often times, bad boys start out as being very sweet and delicate with women around them, it's not like a girl is going to be attracted by a man essentially being like "hey you dumb face, go on a date with me", no, they are usually very tender and delicate with them, even saying "hey babe", "hey love", while talking about how they so don't care about this chick with the boys. Why is that? which to be noted, is completely contradictory to the average "bad boy" or "alpha male" lessons. Which usually tell you to be a bit of a jerk, a bit cruel or aggressive to make the girl like you. Yet here we have a bad boy doing the complete opposite, here we have a bad boy that is treating the girl very well. It's like this guy took lessons from the nice guys.

Well, there was a study which has shown that men are more likely than women to like about the depths of their feelings for them, the depths of their emotions for them, the depths of their care, in order to be with a woman. Isn't this great show of depths of their feelings for them exactly what is traditionally considered a wussy or needy behavior exactly by the people teaching "macho man", "bad boy" or "alpha male" stuff? If you escalate from "0, I don't know you" to "I love you to the sun" that's probably going to come across as needy, but it's the escalation itself that feels weird as it comes out of nowhere, not the depths of their feelings themselves. If you would have taken time to build with a girl a relationship, talk to her a few times, then ask her for a date, then go on a few more dates, then ask her to be your girlfriend, that "I love you to the sun" wouldn't be needy anymore and actually apreciated. So women actually like a man who shows depths of their feelings for them, shocking, I know. Actually, it is shocking because of all this bad advice that doing so would be simping or needy or whatever.

Anyway, that wasn't completely the case with this guy, he wasn't even on a date with her, he didn't say "I love you to the sun" but he said "hey babe", "hey love", "yes my love" which doesn't seem or doesn't look as exaggerated/scaled as "I love you to the sun" but given their interactions, if he would have said that, I don't think she would have objected. So this guy was very tender and delicate with her despite deep down not caring about her, treating her well, not playing "hard to get" or pretending to be indifferent, if anything he exaggerated his love, so why would it work for this guy but for others lead to the friendzone? In my opinion, first of all, despite actually not caring about her deep down, this guy was very real with her, he didn't go for pick-up lines or other superficial stuff that seem cringe, he had a decent approach, he approached her as an individual, as a separate person he needs to interact with while showing care and interest, rather than an ATM or Soda Machine where you insert the pick-up line and the ressult is the girl. In spite of his bad boy, he didn't objectify women emotionally, only physically, which I could say it's a plus.

But second, he had other qualities, looks, humor, etc. Maybe things in common too but I didn't notice. And his humor was often made by exaggerating things about a person or situation not related to either of them, so it couldn't have been offensive, and when it was about her it was about something that she doesn't care about or it's momentarily, like it wasn't something offensive. He wasn't this platonic guy whose only quality was being nice. Even he way he talked to her and treated her, with care, is attractive, because he didn't objectify her emotionally and treated her like a separate person he needs to interact with while showing care and interest. When you say nice, it just means not mean, so saying "I'm a nice guy" is really not saying much, it's like saying "I'm an average guy", sure that's cool but it's like not great not terrible, it's great that you're not mean but it's like saying your quality that makes you a good runner is that you have legs. You need to have something to make you stand out, and the thing that made this guy stand out, was shockingly, his level of care, which almost universally every "bad boy" or "alpha male" coach tells you it's bad, and then we have this bad boy doing the exact opposite.

Third, on the original list, stress. If you aren't naturally a "bad boy" or "alpha male" you're going to have a hard time being comfortable being or pretending to be a "bad boy" or "alpha male" to get the girls. You will have all these expectations of what are you supposed to be and how are you supposed to behave that you just can't live up to, making you more stressed and insecure and miserable in return. And perhaps, isn't it a bit shallow to think that women only want one type of man? I mean men have different standards, men know that about men, why can't women have different standards as well? attract with who you are rather than trying to be an "alpha male" or "bad boy". If you are fundamentally a good natured person, be a good natured person. Just be natural, let it flow.

Foruth, curel and aggressive = repulisve. Do people in general like cruel and aggressive individals? It depends on the context, in a crimial syndicate yes they would, they are very necessary for everyday business, in normal real life? no, they wouldn't. People don't like aggressive or cruel individuals in general. People like people who are decent and know how to behave with others. People like people that are fundamentally good people. People like people that talk nicely to others and approach people nicely and would rather settle a dispute through words than fights. People like people that are good members of society, men and women included.

The alpha male literature at the moment in the business world is all about bullying. It's like "I'm the biggest and meanest and strongest and I'll beat you all over the place". And I think that's a rather primitive way to think of what a woman would be attracted to in a man, sure, it happens, but probably when the woman is just as primitive as the man in question. A more sophisticated woman with her values set and well defined would see the danger in being with this kind of man and be rather repulsed by it, and instead would be attracted by men who are essentially caring of them but also fun to be around. And who are good or at least decent memebers of society, from the context of not getting to fights like a brute and having a decent career. The ability to stand up for yourself is a plus but not the main factor, you don't need a man to stand up for you when you have the police, because we live in a modern society, it's nice to have someone who can stand up for himself or you, but there are things more important in a partner, such as the experience you are having with them, you might as well do very well without the ability to stand up for yourself. And when you have it, it should be there but not put to use that often, and when put to use is verbally, followed by "I'll talk to someone", followed by "I'll call the police" and when there really really no other choice and you aren't the one who stared it, actually standing up for yourself physically.

I think certainly being big and strong has benefits but certainly being a bully is not the right thing to do. Certainly in primitive chimpanzee society being big and strong was a way to get to the top, but once they were at the top there are 2 kinds of quote unquote "alpha male": the bullies, those are the ones who frighten everyone, and terrorize everyone, and beat them over the head, and win the fights, and so on. And the leaders, the ones who mediate in conflicts, they stop conflicts, they are consoler-in-chief, if someone is distressed because they have lost a fight or whatever, they go over there. In modern society you can see that behavior also. For example, the Pope will go to a village that has been destroyed by an earthquake, or the president will go to a place that has been hurt by a hurricane, so the consoler-in-chief is extremly important, and the mediation role of settling fights and keeping the unity of the group, basically the unifier of the group, is very important as well.

That's the leader side, the bullies usually end poorly. In the wild, we have in chimpanzees, bullies that either get expelled or even killed by the group. And their reign lasts fewer years. A good alpha male leader, one of them in the wild lasted for 12 years. And the reason these males can be in power for 12 years is because the group likes them, and so the group has no reason to support a challenger. If there's a challenger coming along who challenges that good alpha male leader, who is a very good leader, the group is going to defend the good alpha male leader, they are going to keep him in power. So it's almost like a democratic mechanism right there. And if it's a bully, then the first thing the grop does if there is a challenge is support the challenger. But this is not how "alpha male" and "bad boy" are portrayed in human stereotypes, that pyramid system, they more often than not lean on the bully side. Reducing that to just "being the strongest and the biggest and the meanest" is almost an insult to what a good alpha male leader is. Not to mention there are dozens of beta male chimpanzee that also get women. In this human stereotypes pyramid system being called "beta" is an insult, in chimpanzee society where the term originated from, being called beta is okay, there's only 1 alpha male and the rest are beta. If you would call a beta chimpanzee a beta and they would be able to talk they'd be like "yeah, I'm a beta, that's the point" with nothing to be offensive or upset about. This pseudo-scientific dark twist of the original alpha-beta concept where we have to compete each other and eat each other to be the top dog, is an insult to what the original system actually is, where there's no eating each other to get to the top, being a beta is perfectly valid and acceptable, and the leader can be a good alpha male leader who is an unifier, a mediator of conflicts and consoler-in-chief.

All this "alpha male" and "bad boy" advice has some minor good things, like have an attitude "I want to have a great time with this person" rather than "I hope I won't mess it up", but essentially it's 90% bad and 10% good so you might as well avoid it all together. If the "alpha male" and "bad boy" are bad, what to do then? be aperson with an okay character and try to make yourself look good. I think the recipe of success in life is: looking good. It makes you feel better, it makes you be more confident, equipped with an okay character, not bragger, not jerk, not with guts. Regardless of how you are born, you can always work on your looks by working out and trying to maintain yourself healthy, live a healthy life.

You don't need to be a fighter, you don't need to be a warrior, you can be fundamentally a kind person. Not all women want an alpha male, women don't only go for bad boys. And the women who go for these people, I'm sorry for them, they are essentially no better than the guys who think that they can't get girls because they are just so nice but really are just kind of platonic rather than the caring treat you like a human being, an individual person with thoughts and desires, a separate person you need to interact with while showing care and interest, type of nice, they are just not mean, which is not much to go on, they don't have any other qualities to back themselves up with. As for the women who go for bad boys, isn't it obvious that if someone is bad with people around you, eventually he will be bad with you? Yes, it kind of is.

You don't need to be an alpha or a matcho man, women just want a caring and comfortable relationship, just like men do. They are humans, treat them like humans, the other gender isn't a whole new country. What do I mean with treat them like humans? treat them with care and assume they are good natured. But also, just like humans, assume they will act in their best interest and you need to offer something of value for them to want to be in a relationship with you, you don't need to be an asshole, you just need to a good guy who treats them with care and has something to offer in terms of having fun, having a chill time together. You can be caring and fun.

And when it come down to a deep talk, give it on emotions, be able to have a discussion from the heart, to talk about your feelings, to talk about care and so on, to talk about how you really feel with care for the other person. If she knows you and cares about you, she will have that discussion too. If the other person is fundamentally a good person, they will have that discussion too, even if they don't know you. And may even be impressed by your level of honesty. But it has to come across as honest, as opening up, if it comes across as something insencere that you say just to get a reaction, the result is probably the one you would expect.

Of course, you don't have to go over the top with this. You don't need to find an interesting conversations that you both enjoy and are fascinated about, you just need to have a casual conversation, a basic one, normal conversation. You also don't need to be fun and light-hearted all the time, you just need to be yourself and smile. It's not a job interview, you can make ironies, non-serious words where you make fun of the other person without them realizing it.

*Back to the main topic: How to have a good conversation?*

It's a good idea to ask them what they are interested in / excited about / working towards, but at the same time you will probably want to avoid turning a discussion in an interview, a discussion a goal sort of, you are talking towards something, trying to discover something, or you/he are looking for advice on something, or you/he are simply sharing opinions about something. When you ask him about something he's interested in and excited about, and he gives his opinion, you should give your opinion too based on what he said. And continue the conversation there like that based on opinions about what he said.

You don't have to be the cool gal that everyone wants to hang out with to have a conversation. Although a chill and carefree attitude is a bonus because it makes the other person feel more comfortable.

Rather than thinking about what to say, just say what comes to your mind, give your opinion about the current subject at hand, as long as the subject is something he is interested in or excited about, you won't bore him.

Simply start a normal discussion, a discussion you would have with anyone else that you don't know: how are you doing? where are you from? then you can look around and find things that you can use to make conversation: she has a certain backpack which shows you she's a student, she has a certain key ring that shows you she visited some place, and so on. While you ask her about stuff like that, you also talk about yourself, what opinions you have about stuff like that and whether you have been there. If you really have no idea, you can always talk about music or movies, these are basic.

You don't need to be a pick-up artist or do magic tricks, just make her feel comfortable. You don't have to invite her out from the first conversations, but you have to eventually ask for her number or Facebook so this won't be the last conversation, talk, get to know each other, anyway, it's not a job interview, you can make ironies, non-serious words where you make fun of the other person without them realizing it. It depends on the way you are. And at a certain time, when you feel comfortable with one another, you ask her whether she wants to go out for a drink or coffe.

I don't know whether this is the best approach, it's not the only method or one set in stone, but I think it's important to find your style. Let's assume you can learn to be a be a pick-up artist or do magic tricks to invite girls out, and then you find out that you take out girls that you have no connection with, or that this type of approach is not your style.

And one more thing, just in case: If a girl says she has a boyfriend, whether she has or doesn't have a boyfriend, the message is: leave me alone, I'm not interested.

If a girl doesn't feel comfortable next to a guy she will most likely say no, don't ask for a date when you are a complete stranger, how comfortable would she feel? Even if you randomly approach her on the street and start a discussion decently while taking about basic stuff, it still seems creepy because she doesn't know you, there are some girls who are very open to this type of street approach, others who are not. Some people approach this way and go to dates without being everything about an adventure. But you also have a significant chance of meeting girls who are not into that kind of approach and will simply tell you that they don't want and want to be left alone, if that's the case, don't insist.

Character matters. Good women like polite and respectful men with sensitivity and a gentle soul. The type of men who would feel mercy for a stray cat. This is all stereotyping and assuming, but from my experience, people who are rather brutal, direct and primitive are not usually dating material for girls with more depth of feeling, profundity, sensitivty, care for others in general, a gentle person. For girls who are not superficial I mean. This doesn't mean he cannot become strong mentally and physically, I'm talking about not having aggressiveness in attitude, not about being defenseless. Good character can make you more attractive. Generally, good people like good people, even if they differ in some other opinions.

Personality matters. To have a friendly and nurturing attitude that would lift people up, to be social and laugh and smile. But nothing over the top, don't force yourself, make it genuine, if it isn't, just don't be sad. Attitude is contagious, it can either make people feel energized or downed, depending on the attitude of those around them. We transfer and adopt attitudes. It's important that you both feel good with each other. I don't think there is a set in stone formula for personality, people need to be compatible, to have certain traits and things in common. But I think a personality that makes people around you feel good or entertained can make you more wannable.

Look for the tells. You can probably notice in the other person's behavior whether they are trying to hit on you or are not interested. You can drop small hints of compliments or going out to see whether the other person's reaction is laughter, smile, acknowledgement or they simply ignores it or denies it, but without making it clear you like them. People light up when they talk about subjects that fascinate them or someone they like.

Don't appreciate women only for their looks. Women being loved for they looks is the equivalent of men being loved for their money. Sure, they would appreciate being liked for their looks, but that's not enough. They want to be loved for the person they are, not for the body they have. They want to be loved for their soul, for themselves. They want a deep connection, not a superficial one based on looks.

Show them you like them. Since you are the man, I think you have to show you like them in the first place. You have to make the first step and go talk to them. Get to know them a bit, talk to them about them. You can talk about her or her interests, movies, school, work, friends, opinion on current events, etc. You can also describe your own interests in the process and so on.

Make sure your jokes are appropiate. They are light jokes that either make fun of nobody or of someone but very lightly. Try to shoot with blind bullets, that's making fun of things that are clearly false or things that are true but she doesn't care about, such as joking about a 50 kg woman that she is very fat, with the tonality that gives it away that it's a joke, or joking about her being slow if she doesn't care about how fast she is. Depending on how close you are and what you can afford with each other, it's okay if they are a bit upset after a joke, if they feel attacked, the problem is not to make the joke insulting or offensive. Being a bad cook when you clearly enjoy eating what she cooked, making fun that you are better at a certain task, and so on, it's a bit of nagging. Make fun in the limit of decency.

What do you have to offer that makes you a good boyfriend or friend? Because, there are other options out there. You have to have some merit too. If you want to be something in life you have to work for it. Not even love comes freely, dating interests won't just love you because you are you like your parents, you need to have something to offer that makes people want to be in a relationship with you. And I'm not talking about your possessions but about you. What makes you attractive? Clearly, looks matter, but looks are not everything. Being nice is the necessary minimum but not enough to get women to swarm over you, you have to be attractive in other ways, you need to bring something to the table, it's like a trade. If you lack in the merit department, improve, self-pity won't improve you. We love certain people because they have certain qualities that make us feel good around them, either in how they make you feel in the moment or the values you exhibit, even when we are not aware of those things. It can grow into care for that other person, as in love, but initially we care about looks, then character and personality.

Starting off as friends can lead to a more honest relationship. You have less expectations and less judgements and it helps you understand the other person better. One way to engage with a girl without making everything about a relationship is to genuinely ask her for help with something. If she's a helpful person, she helps you, you say thanks without any hint of a relationship, even if it has nothing to do with going on a date, you talked to her and now she knows you a bit more. There's a lot less pressure if she gets to know you a bit before you ask her for a date. As pointed out above, you can probably notice in her behavior whether she is trying to hit on you or is not interested. You can drop small hints of compliments or going out to see whether her reaction is laughter, smile, acknowledgement or she simply ignores it or denies it, but without making it clear that you like her.

Be yourself but in the limit of common sense We are all in our best behavior at the beginning of a relationship, but you don't have to fake it, you don't have to pretend you are something you're not. You don't have to brag to impress her or something like that. I agree that you should be yourself but in the limit of common sense, be the default version that you can be without effort but without being a jerk. You can be more attractive when you are trying to be natural than when you are trying to be a certain thing. It gives you confidence and it shows there's something genuine that can't be replicated. But at the same time, we all have to adapt a bit in order to integrate, it's what everyone does. At the same time, try to impress her and conduct appropriately. You can't act on impulses everytime, especially when people expect things of you or you're angry. Perhaps the best way is to say it is be yourself within social norms, don't exaggerate so that people look down on you and don't upset people, conflict is not always good, being polite and respectful is important because it makes people and in this case women to have a better overall opinion of you.

Make a fun and pleasant conversation with that person, talk about things you both enjoy. You can talk about her or her interests: movies, school, work, friends, opinion on current events, etc. You can also describe your own interests in the process and so on. After you talked with her for a while, ask her for a date. If she says yes, great. If she says no, it's okay, get over it. Some women want men to keep trying to see if they are dedicated enough, to see if they love them enough, it's a test. But others don't, it's up to you to pick up the social clue. If you're uncertain it's work still keep trying, but if she makes it clear it's a no or doesn't reply then it was a genuine no the first time, it's okay, get over it, you will find someone else you like.

Dating involves a bit of risk, but it's better to go for it. Dating involves the risk of being rejected, but a great mindset for "what if she rejects me?" is: what if she does? at least I tried. It's better than not trying. *Better go for it, try and fail or have a nasty experience than never go for it, not try and regret it*. Because you gather memories.

If you have the opportunity to go to a trip or date a girl, you try and the trip was amazing or you had an amazing time with the girl, great, you try and the trip was terrible or the girl rejected you, so what, it wasn't meant to be, but at least I tried. It's also important to have some guts and initiative in life, but in a nicely diplomatic way. It's better to try and not succeed than not try and regret it. More often than not, in life we regret what we didn't do rather than what we did, keep that in mind.

Part 2 end.


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## Dezir (Nov 25, 2013)

Part 3.

*What if during the conversation you get stuck in intervew mode and just ask each other questions?*

When she asks you a question, if you answer directly, you finished the conversation topic and now you're going to have to reopen again. Instead of answering right then, why not delay that answer just slighty and open up another conversation topic? so that you have a lot more to talk about. "Tell me about his thing", *"I'd love to, first of all, what do you do for a living? I'm actually curious about you as well"*.

Because she just asked you to keep talking. *Or you could tease her about it* "wow, you're so inquisitive, you're like that kid that always has their hand in the class and annoys the teacher with a million questions, I'll tell you, but I'm actually curious what do you do for a living?". Now there's all these different things going on in the set, all these different topics you can talk about, you already teased, you already showed premise a little bit. 

Beside asking her what she's doing, talk about what you're doing, what are you into, what are you passionate about, your job, or if you do ask a question follow it up with your story, your values, etc. *Your job in set is to convey your persoanlity. That's what you're trying to do*.

Now, *the assumption is that your personality is an attractive one, and you have to market it as such*. If you think your personality is unattractive and act like it's unattractive, even say that your personality is unattractive, well, she can only agree with you, so why are we even here? *so you have to think that your personality is an attractive one and market it as such*. She might disagree, but if you market it as unattractive and she agrees it's the same thing. At least here you have a chance that you market your personality as attractive and she agrees. It's a lot more likely than the other way around, you thinking of yourself as unattractive and she disagreeing.

But you have to convey your personality because *if she doesn't know who you are, she can't get attracted to you, because there's no you to get attracted to*. Makes sense? If you're just a string of questions, random questions, what is she interacting with? an interview machine?

Even if you're going to ask questions, at least ask questions in a way that converys your personality, *if she works in a hotel industry, you could ask "why would you go into an industry where people yell at you and are upset with you all the time?"*. And also frame it positively, "you seem like a pretty competent capable person, why the hotel industry of all the things you could have done?". 

*When you're talking about different topics there's levels to it. Talking about random things is very not intimate, that's the least intimate.* Talking about yourself is fairly not initmate because it's not a big deal for her, there's no debate in it, telling stories about yourself. Talking about her tends to be a little more intimate. What you'd really like to be talking about is you and her together, and that's the most intimate. It's: random, I, you, we.

*So what you want to do is shift the topics to more intimate ones, and an easy way to do that is by teasing*. Because *teasers are fun and light-hearted and you're just kidding*, so it's a safe way of introducting those more intimate topics.

How of creating attraction is through normal conversation, how can you get better at this an connecting with people in general? *In conversation, probably the most common mistake guys make when talking to girls is that they stop being themselves, stop being enjoying the converatio*n, paying attention and actually being in the conversation they're in, and they start thinking too much outside the conversation.

They start thinking ahead to what they're going to say 30 seconds from now, they start thinking about what they want to get out of the conversation, as opposed to inhabiting the conversation and just being in it.

The nature of the conversation it's a dialogue, it's not a monologue. It's not just you talking with the girl, it's not just the girl talking with you, there needs to be this interactive element. 

Probably the most important thing you can do in a conversation is stop trying to think of what to say in the future, stop trying to think of where to take this, etc. *And mostly, just be present in the conversation. Mostly, pay attention to the girl, and really key off off what they're doing.*

In any sentence or series of sentences someone says to you, there's a lot of different material they're giving you. What you can do, is you can take any one of these things and use that as the next thing to talk about. For example, if I am to say: "I'm 28 years old, I grew up in Spain, I went to 3 different colleges, I played soccer my whole life until I was 22, and then I found this other thing that was my passion and now I'm working in that are". You can take any one of these things I just said and have your own opinion on it, have your own perspective on it. And here's the key thing: trust your perspective.

*Trust and believe that who you are has value to offer to the conversation. If you fundamentally don't believe that, if you fundamentally think that you're taking value from the conversation, it's going to come off that that's the case*, the other person is going to catch that vibe, and also, you're going to be constantly censoring and monitoring yourself and you're going to find yourself locked up and not having a lot to say.

So the first thing you can do in a conversation is understand that *it's actually an interplay, it's an exchange of ideas and exchange of thoughts between you and another person or other people*, and so you need to be paying attention to them.

*If you're self-centered in the conversation, you're going to be missing things*, you're not going to come off as charismatic, you're not going to be very relateable.

The next baseline, is to *actually take an interest in the other person*. Take an interest in the other person because the most interesting person in the conversation to them, is them. The natural instinct you should avoid, getting to self-centered in your own conversation, most people are self-centered in their conversation, most people are caught up in: their own insecurities, their own thoughts, their own little world and are barely paying attention to anybody else.

*If you're the person that is actually paying attention to them, and understanding them, and showing that, showing that you care*. They're going to relate a lot more to you than they would to someone who seems oblivious to them. Because they are the most relevant thing going on.

*Find out who this person is, value this person, become truly interested in this person*. Explore her personality to discover who she is. When you're talking to a girl, find a couple distinctive things about her that are reasons why you like her. So instead of being like "she's hot", "she has a nice body" you actually pay attention to the girl, you actually say "she's aritistic but she's also like a serious business woman, that's a cool combination". Find a couple different things that are cool about her, and recognize those things and admire those things.

Because that's going to show: *you paid attention, you valued her and is also going to make her feel like she earned your attention in some way*. You wouldn't just give it to any girl just because she's hot.

The main difference between a romantic conversation and normal conversation is a couple of things: first, in a romantic conversation you're going to need to bring up the fact that you're a man and she's a woman, because otherwise you end up in a normal conversation.

*The second thing is breaing report, you want to break report a little bit in romantic conversation*, because you want to establish not only that you're having a fun conversation, but a certain relationship dynamic.

The baseline thing is, how to create report with someone? paying attention, dealing with the person in front of you and being present in the conversation instead of just thinking about yourself, and find the cool and interesting things about them.

The problem is, you can't do that from the start. If you could just walk up to a girl and build report from moment 1 would be great. But a lot of times, when you walk up to a girl she has a lot of preconceptions, a lot of ideas about who you are, a lot of ideas about the value dynamics, so you need to establish who you are a little bit before she wants to build report with you. Before she wants to let you in in that way. But eventually, the goal is the same, to make that conneciton. And once the girl is receptive, is being friendly, is showing that she wants to connect with you, that's mostly what you do in a conversation.

Now, *you have to remind a little bit that it's man to woman, and it helps to tease her a little bit because that's a certain type of communication that is very affactive in a man to woman context*. 

But for the most part, the longer the interaction goes on, and once the girl and you decide you like each other a bit, what you're mainly doing is having a good conversation and building that report.

The narrative matters to women. Narrative literally means story. And that's what the narrative is, is the story of you and the girl, the idea in her head that what you and her are to each other that makes it special.

In romantic movies, the idea that these people belong together, they're special, that's what makes it feel like a win for the girl when you get together.

Narrative makes intuitive sense with a lot of people, because it is what you want with the girl. You see a girl you like, you have a crush on her, you want her, you want that narrative with you, you want to believe it special.

*Problem is, most guys try to lead with narrative. They try to go straight in and be like "hey, let's connect". And the girl is like "who are you? why do I want to connect with you?"*. You need to actually get her attention in some way, let her know that you exist as a man to her woman as opposed to just 2 strangers or friend to friend and you need to convey some kind of value so she actually wants to try to connect with you.

*Girls have lot of male suitors, if you go up to a girl and are like "hey, let's connect!" she's like "no thanks, I have plenty of guys trying to connect with me, I don't need more of that"*. But once you set yourself apart in some way, now she wants that, and now you can create that connection.

Alright, so now that you know the behaviors and traits that make a man attractive and the mindset you need in order to attract women, and not just be liked, let’s get a bit more tactical.

*You already know you need to take risks, to be strong and resilient, and to lead the interaction. But how do you actually do that in real life? By escalating the interaction*. There are four ways to escalate: You can escalate physically, you can escalate to more intimate venues, you can change the way you address the relationship (using we instead of you and I), you can escalate the conversation by making it more intimate and sexual.

Right now, I’m going to focus on the last one because once a conversation becomes intimate and sexual, it’ll be way easier for you to escalate in all the other ways. Get this: Humans think in associations. So how can you use this to your advantage? Easy, talk about subtle, sexually tangential topics like: Tattoos, piercings, partying, drinking, crazy experiences, travel, etc.

*Anything that gets the girl in a fun, crazy, playful, naughty and adventurous mood works*. I know what you’re thinking now, “how do I smoothly introduce these topics into a conversation?”. Here are two easy ways to turn any mundane conversations into into one that will get the girl aroused: The Questions Game, and Using Quotes.

A really easy way to steer any conversation into sexy/risque topics is with the “Questions Game”. The questions game is an old and simple routine that still works very well. Here’s how it goes: You ask her a question and she has to honestly answer it. Then you switch. She asks you a question and you have to honestly answer it. What’s brilliant about it is that you get to select one of those edgy non-sexual/sexual topics.

*For example, you can ask her: Do you have any tattoos or piercings?* How old were you when you had your first drink/kiss? What is the most trouble you got into in high school? What’s the craziest thing you’ve done in the past year? Basically asking anything that’s a little bit naughty, but not sexually explicit works.

And the best part is: You’re going to get her talking about naughty topics. And if she’s enjoying the interaction she’s going to ask you questions that are even more intimate and sexual. Every time that happens you’ll get the chance to take it a step further, and little by little you’ll be explicitly talking about sleeping together. Once the girl starts talking about sleeping, then it will be a lot easier to escalate the interaction in all the other ways (moving to an intimate venue, getting physical, and using “we” to talk about you and her).

For some of you it might be scary to bring up a sexual topic, even with the questions game, “but what if she doesn’t like me?”. Look I get it, you’re nervous and you’re afraid she might think you’re a weirdo, but as you know already, it’s your responsibility to lead the interaction forward and escalate it towards dating or sleeping together.

*You don’t want to be liked, you want to be loved, remember? *A very simple, non-risky way to talk about sexy topics is by using quotes from other people. That way you’re distancing yourself from the topic but it’s still in the conversation.

For example: You can say that you read a study that said that frequent travelers are more open minded when it comes to casual relationships than people who don’t travel. It’s simple, it’s easy, it’s not risky, and it can bring some naughtiness/playfulness into the conversation. And if she gets offended, it’s not really your opinion, it’s just something you read from someone else.

Alright, so now that you know the behaviors and traits of attractive men and how to escalate conversations, let’s talk about how women judge you as a man.

*How women judge the value of a man?*

Women rate you just you like rate them, but unlike guys who only care about physical appearance, they take into account many other things. *When a woman is evaluating you on a scale from 1-10, she’s taking into account your behavior, your body language, your social feedback, and your status in society*.

Which brings me to one of the most important concepts when it comes to dating: leveling. *Just like men rate women on a scale of 1-10, women can level you based on how you behave, how you speak, and how you act*.

When she’s leveling you, she’s assessing how good of an option you’d be for raising her offspring in the environment in which we evolved. But here’s the tricky part. *Girls don’t necessarily want the highest value guy, because if he’s too out of her league then she knows he’ll never stick around to raise the kids*. He’ll most likely leave her or cheat on her.

*They want a guy who’s just a little bit out of her league, enough so that it’s a win for her and there’s a good chance that he’ll stick around later*. A girl who’s a 7 doesn’t want a guy who’s a 10, she’d be too scared and intimidated, but would be really happy with a guy who’s an 8.

Let me elaborate. If you direct approach a girl that’s a 6 with a behavior that in her mind rates you as 7, then she’s going to love you for it, and she might even compliment you for how you acted. But if you use that same opener (that says that you’re a 7) with a girl that’s a 9 or 10, she’ll be disinterested because it’s not a win for her in any way. *She’ll know that your value is lower than hers and that she can do better*.

And that’s why learning game is so darn confusing sometimes. *The very same thing that worked once for you with one type of girl is the exact same thing that’s messing up your game and keeping you from leveling up to the higher quality girls*.

And that’s why most guys eventually hit a plateau. Leveling is a complicated topic, but *it basically means that gimmicky lines and actions tend to work well with girls of a certain caliber but not so much with girls of a higher caliber*. Gimmicky lines and behavior are lines and behavior intended to attract. 

The thing is that the girls that respond to the gimmicky high-risk stuff would have also responded to “solid” game in virtually all cases. *That means you don’t really need to use gimmicky lines and behaviors*. So how do you identify the leveling behaviors that are stopping you from taking your game to next level?

Well. It’s not easy. In general, leveling behaviors will tend to be gimmicky, and here are a couple of questions you can ask yourself to identify them:

*Am I putting up a persona?*
*Am I being genuine?*
Am I being the same person that I’d be around good friends?
Am I acting differently than when I’m with a girl who I know is coming home with me no matter what?
Analyze your behaviors against these questions and you’ll be able to identify your leveling behaviors.

And if you identify a leveling behavior, and it is working for you, by all means, *keep using it until it stops working*. But try and look for alternatives that are true to your personality.

So what’s the solution to fixing your behaviors that are keeping you from leveling up your game? There are three ways to fix leveling:

*Getting your life together (finances, body, fashion, hygiene, looks, career)*.
Improve your technical prowess when it comes to game so that you can learn how to smoothly navigate yourself through any interaction no matter how difficult.
Learn how to be subtle so that you can make the process positive and fun for girls.
When you improve in these three areas, you’ll be able to break through plateaus easier because you won’t rely on gimmicky behaviors to attract women. *You’ll be able to create attraction simply by displaying your personality in an attractive, calibrated way*.

By now you know that being merely liked sucks. So here’s a quick list of the Dos and Don’ts when it comes to good game so that girls never merely like you but love you instead: don’t just be nice, don’t play it safe, don’t play to not lose, don’t be desperate around women, don’t act needy, don’t act low-value, don’t be her doormat, don’t use gimmicky behaviors. Dos: do lead the interaction, do show resilience and strength, do escalate, do have fun, do take risks, do show your personality, do be genuine, do take a stand. It’s a very simplified list.

*What about the initial approach?*

As for the conversation itself, when it comes to the initial approach, you have 3 choices: be direct, use the pretext of a commonality or use the pretext of asking for help. The being direct is very important on the location. Being direct on the street, could work for some people but not my style, you can be direct at a club however or in a library, but the things you say in a club and in a library have to completely be from each other, in a library you probably have to talk about books while in a club you can talk about how hot your are or that I have noticed you.

If you already know her or saw her from somewhere you can start texting her and waking up to her and say hi, she replies with hi, you tell her that you saw her as what you have in common and talk about that thing. Or the subtlest of them all, you can find a pretext to talk to her, such as asking for help with something, and next times you talk to her just asking her how she is doing and talk about the things she or you were doing. People like to talk about themselves.

Simply start a normal discussion, a discussion you would have with anyone else that you don't know, a discussion you would have had with just another stranger: how are you doing? where are you from? then you can look around and find things that you can use to make conversation: she has a certain backpack which shows you she's a student, she has a certain key ring that shows you she visited some place, and so on. While you ask her about stuff like that, you also talk about yourself, what opinions you have about stuff like that and whether you have been there. If you really have no idea, you can always talk about music or movies, these are basic.

If you run out of subjects or don't know what to say, you can talk about: weather, arts, entertainment, sports, family, food, work, school, travel, celebrity gossip, hobbies, hometown. You don't have to keep talking all the time, don't put pressure on yourself, moments of silence shouldn't come from a place of tension, it's more about spending quality time together and simply appreciating each other's presence.

You don't have to invite her out from the first conversation, but you have to eventually ask for her number or Facebook so this won't be the last conversation, talk, get to know each other, anyway, it's not a job interview, you can make ironies, non-serious words where you make fun of the other person without them realizing it. It depends on the way you are. And at a certain time, when you feel comfortable with one another, you ask her whether she wants to go out for a drink or coffe.

If a girl doesn't feel comfortable next to a guy she will most likely say no, don't ask for a date when you are a complete stranger, how comfortable would she feel? Even if you randomly approach her on the street and start a discussion decently while taking about basic stuff, it still seems creepy because she doesn't know you, there are some girls who are very open to this type of street approach, others who are not. Some people approach this way and go to dates without being everything about an adventure. But you also have a significant chance of meeting girls who are not into that kind of approach and will simply tell you that they don't want and want to be left alone, if that's the case, don't insist.

Additionally, beside the actual conversation, smile and laugh and don't be cruel. The simple act of smiling and laughing creates a good attitude around you, which makes in turn other people around you feel good, and we like to feel good, so we like people who smile and laugh around us.

As for don't be cruel, quality women look for moral men. Shallow and superficial women look for "alpha boys" full of masculinity who make other people feel like crap, they don't care. But quality women want moral men, men who are not cruel with others, show empathy for the suffering of others and have a moral code that considers other people.

When it comes to the level of showing interest as a romantic partner, you can simply start out as friends with no romantic implications and see how the situation develops from there. When there's no romatic interest, there's a lot less pressure but also a lot more uncertainity. It creates less tension and allows people to be more relaxed and comfortable and themselves around each other for there are no romantic stakes, you are just friends. And, if they are secretly romantically interested in you, people are drawn to uncertainty, plausible deniability, just like you are.

In human relationships, her level of interest in you is related to your level of interest in her, it has to be on the positive but not on the obsssed side. If you do manage to get to a point of an established and clear romantic interest, where at this point it's obvious you are a romantic interest and not just a friend, make sure you don't suffoace her calling everyday and insisting on the conversation when it's clear she doesn't want to anymore.

You can start off slow, not texting her that often, maybe once a week or so, and slowly increase the amount of time you are talking. When you ask for a date, if she accepts, further increase your amount of times you are talking to maybe once ever 2-3 days and so on. Eventually, you will pass over that point where you hold hands, kiss and ask her to be your girlfriend. After that, showing affection is pretty much a safe game. If you don't know how to position yourself when it comes to interest, just remember that it has to be on the positive but not on the obsessed side.

Her interest in you is like a fire for your interest in her, you add too much wood in the form of texting everyday since the day you got to know her or telling her how beautiful she is from day one, and there's this huge flame like "whoa, I got to get out of here", at the same time not texting at all or ghosting her for a long time is not adding any wood to the fire so eventually it burns out, she gets the impression that he's not interested and that's it. You got to have the right amount of balance of showing interest. Which depends on from how long you know each other as well as how well you know each other, the idea is to slowly warm up, not all of a sudden. Her interest in you is gradual, and yours has to be too.

Someone who is not always interested, can make us interested, someone that we have to warm up, someone we like but have to fight for, fight for not with other people but fight for to get their attention, someone that we have to have an impact on. You of course have to take the initiative to go and initiate conversation with her and can of course give hints you're interested but nothing over the top. Until you make it dead clear or give the confirmation, nothing is confirmed, you could always be just friendly. At the end of the days, you got to feel for these things, there are no set in stone rules, these are just guidelines. Humans are emotional creatures and how we feel influences us more than what we think.

Of course, in order to slowly warm up and get to know each other better, you have to eventually transition from small talk to big talk. Small talk is when you talk about the various subjects listed above movies, music, weather, arts, entertainment, sports, family, food, work, school, travel, celebrity gossip, hobbies, hometown. Big talk is when you get to talk about the deeper concepts of life: money, poverty, justice, fairness, happiness, motivation, desire, knowledge, communication. That's when you get to know a person, when you get to know what they think.

Big talk is not only when you talk about the deeper concepts of life but also about personal issues with your life: struggles, failures, fears, doubts, insecurities, regrets, worries, and the other one responds with warmth and reassurance. There is a mutual feeling of trust in those scenarios. That is how you emotionally connect with people, understand their struggles and seek to comfort them.

When you go beneath the surface with your self-disclosure you build an emotional connection with the other person. Go beneath the surface, be curious about them, talk about your goals, your stance on current issues and things. But you have to take it gradual even in sharing, for there such thing as overshare. Get to know each other better by talking about non-personal deep concepts such as money or fairness. About society in general. About what it takes to be happy or to get motivated to do a certain thing. About the importance of communication between people and when there's misunderstandings.

Then you could go on and talk about personal deep conceps and issues, when you already know that person and have a general idea of how they think: what are your current struggles in life right now, what are the fears in your life that you never dared to do, what are your doubts and your insecurities about yourself, what are your deepers regrets or what you want to do before you die. Not only to seek to comfort them, but also becasue two heads think better than one and you may actually find a solution.

But you have to take it gradually into getting to know each other better in order to feel connected, otherwise you could try but still feel disconnected with the other person. You could talk truly really deep issues and neglecting the trip there. The trip there is the deeper concepts of life, talking about your goals, your stance on current issues and things. You can't talk about truly deep stuff like the things that made you feel bad in your childhood before you talk about the light and medium things beneath the surface about yourself.

Your attitude when approaching people is also very important. Don't be bitter, be similing and laughing. It's really just that simple. If you smile and laugh the people smile and laugh with you. Change your attitude in a positive one that can refresh you. Change your attitude into one that fills you with a positive energy. I don't mean an idealisitc attitude "good things will happen to me", because bad things will happen and you have to be ready for this, or an attitude where you force yourself to say "I'm happy, I'm happy, I'm happy" because you won't be happy no matter how many times you repeat it to yourself. But a positive attitude that makes you feel refreshed.

Besides, attitude is contageous, if you have a good attitude towards someone, even if they are hesitant at first, they might adopt your attitude, if it's a positive attitude that they like. Usually, people treat others the way they treat us, we mirror our attitudes. Seek to change your attitude in a positive one where you are free to laugh and have fun. An attitude that doesn't judge other people and lets them be themselves, an attitude that allows the people around you to be relaxed and chill.

Be someone with generally colorful and positive attitude, not someone who complains about everything, it will demoralize others. Don't demoralize yourself and moralize others, raise their spirits. Think positive, no realistic but positive, take into account the bad as well, but think positive. And if you really don't feel like it, if you feel really sad and miserable right now, try to just smile, simply smile. Even when you don't feel like it, similing can make you feel better on the moment. I know it sounds like self-help advice, but the fact that many take advantage of this in a billion dollars industry doesn't mean there's nothing behind attitude, that attitude doesn't matter.

*What about going from friendship to romance?*

There are a lot more pretentions and expectations in a relationship than in a friendship. Which is why I have mixed feelings about transitioning from friendship to romantic relationship. Because it's not the same type of relationship.

Others may do this from a place of insecurity, many people think they are going to be forever alone their whole life, will remain single the rest of their lives, it's common.

Was your friend your first romantic interest? Whoever has sleept with you for the first time is a saint. You will never forget your first. The first moments are always the most memorable. It's about the story which makes us put a halo on people and afford them many things we otherwise wouldn't.

You got to understand the emotions of other people. For this, you got to be mentally present and look at them.

But at the same time, I think the best relationships start out as friendships. Because initially there's a lot less pressure and you can both be more carefree.

For women, it's a bit difficult to be the one who makes the first move or confesses, but I also think it's easy to come across as interested without making the first move or confessing. How to be attractive? Just smile and laugh to the man you like. It's not just the smile and laugh, but there was something else too. Maybe a highlifted attitude with good vibes, that clearly gives them the impression you like them without you having to say a single word. And a look of superiority above them, in a jokingly way, with non-serious ironic discussions and stuff like that.

If you do that, I think you'll give a guy an obvious sign you like him. And if he likes you too, he might feel safe enough to make the first move without you confessing your feelings first.

There is also a matter of different expectations from a relationship. Some men, like the women who go after the man, where the man takes the lead, and if they like it fine, if they don't like it also fine. Other men want a balanced relationship where sometimes the man goes after the woman and other times the woman goes after the man, once one takes the lead, another time the other takes the lead. Other men want the complete opposite, a woman who often tells what to do and where to go, but in my experience these cases are rare, I don't know whether it's biology or culture but it's just what I noticed that happens, if that's the case, he may be repulsed by this, and back away from a woman too domineering for him.

Other men also have this idea about past relationships, the more past relationships you've had, the lesser your quality as a woman. In my opinion, the past doesn't matter. The present matters. It doesn't matter what you did or what she did, what matters is how you feel with each other in the present, what matters is what are you doing now.

Although the past is a good indicator for the present, as people will usually do what is in their nature, you can trust people to act in their nature, men and women included, this doesn't mean that the more past relationships a woman had the lesser her equality, in fact, if anything, it's hypocritical, because that's not how people judge the case the other way around. But there are some men who judge it this way. But hey, the time is passing, life goes on.

*But there's a 3rd way to view this: I talk about the good character but with a hint of a bad boy idea, the why alpha male might not be the right way to go, and finally, there is the be yourself. So, what about being yourself?

Why can't we just be ourselves and have to use gimmicky behaviors?*

Being yourself may work for some people, may not work for others. If it works for you, great for you. If it doesn't work for you, you're being yourself and still fail, you need to change or improve something about yourself.

Sadly, nobody is irreplaceable. If you are happy with yourself, you don't need to change yourself for nobody. Go met new people and eventually you will find the right person, someone you love that also loves you.

While yes, there are ways to make yourself more attractive, people take care of their looks for a reason. You need to be aware of your image, the way you present yourself to others. And make for a pleasant presentation so that they are more willing to accept your requests. Looks and the impression you leave matter. On the other side of the coin, you may also have way too higher standards of yourself and be way too harsh with yourself, so keep that in mind when you are trying to be the perfect person.

Approach her indirectly, if you're too direct early on, you risk creating a ressistance that will never be lowered. Once she is aware of your presence, don't be much too obvious, instead, be hard to figure out. Send mixed signals: be tough and tender, spiritual and earthly, innocent and cunning. A mix of qualities in a person suggests depth, which fascinates even as it confuses. Make her feel dissatisfied and in need of your attention, but if you are too obvious, she will see through you and grow defensive. There is no defense however against insinuation, planting ideas in people's head by dropping elusive hints that take root days later, even appearing to them as an idea, make everything suggestive.

Most people are locked in their own worlds, making them stubborn and hard to persuade. The way to lure them out is to enter their spirit. Play by their rules, enjoy what they enjoy, adopt yourself to their moods. In doing so, you will stroke their deep-rooted narcissism and lower their defenses. Indulge her every mood and whim, give her nothing to react against or resist.

Keep her in suspense, the moment she knows what is coming next your spell on her is broken. The only way to lead is to create suspense, a calculated surprise. Doing something they do not expect from you will give them a delightful sense of spontaneity, they will not be able to foresee what is coming next.

Flatter and comfort their insecurities. It's hard to make people listen, they are consumed by their own thoughts and desires and have little time for yours. The trick to make people listen is to say what they want to hear, fill their ears with whatever is pleasant to them. Flatter them, comfort their insecurities, envelop them in sweet words and promises, and they will not only listen to you, they will lose their will to resist you.

Pay attention to details and express your love in subtle gestures. Lofty words of love and grand gestures can be suspicious: Why are you trying so hard to please? The subtle gestures, the offhand things you do, are often more charming and revealing. You must learn to distract them with a myriad of pleasant little rituals, thoughtful gifts tailored just for them, clothers and adornments designed to please them, gestures that show the time and attention you are paying to them. Mesmerized by what they see, they will not notice what you're really up to.

Disarm her through strategic weakness and vulnerability. Too much manouvering on your part may raise suspicion. The best way to cover your tracks is to make the other person feel superior and stronger. If you seem to be weak, vulnerable, enthralled by the other person, and unable to control yourself you will make your actions look more natural, less calculated. Play the victim, and transform her sympathy into love.

To compensate for the difficulties in their lives, people spend a lot of time daydreaming, imagining a life full of adventure, success and romance. If you can create the illusion that through you they can live out their dreams, you will have them at your mercy. Aim at the secret wishes that have been thwarted or repressed, strring up uncontrollable emotions.

Most people want to be seduced. If they resist your efforts, it is probably because you have not gone far enough to allay their doubts, about your motives, the depth of your feelings and so on. One well-time action that shows how far you are willing to go to win them over will dispel their doubts. Do not worry about looking foolish or making a mistake, any kind of deed that is self-sacrificing and for her sake will so overwhelm their emotions, they won't notice anything else.

Mix pleasure and pain. Don't be too nice, at first, perhaps, your kindness is charming, but it soon grows monotonous, you are trying too hard to please, and seem insecure. Instead of overwhelming her with niceness, try inflicting some pain. Make her feel guilty and insecure. The lower the lows you create, the greater the highs.

If she becomes too used to you as the aggressor, she will give less of her own energy and the tension will slacken. You need to wake them up, turn the tables. Once they are under your spell, take a step back and they will start to come after you. Hint that you are growing bored. Seem interested in someone else.

And finally, make the bold move: She clearly desires you, but is not ready to admit it openly, let alone act on it. This is the time to throw chivalry, kindness and coquetry aside and to overwhelm with a bold move. Don't give her time to consider the consequences, showing hesitation or awkwardness means you are thinking of yourself as opposed to being overwhelmed by her charms. One person must go on the offensive, and it is you.

When I said that nobody is irreplaceable, I meant that there is no such thing as "one soulmate", people can have multiple people they are compatible with. I don't believe there is only one person in this entire world that you are compatible with, just like I don't believe in destiny. Bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people, some people are born with a disability, others suffer because of reasons they had nothing to do with, I have a hard time believing in destiny considering all the unfairness in the world, and since we live in the best period of history that says a lot.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying "you should not be monogamous or you should cheat", I'm saying you have to find someone you are compatible with. Someone that you can be happy with and have a good time while you can be yourselves around each other.

I'm also not saying "you should be monogamous", but yes I'm saying "you should not cheat". As long as you don't hurt other people, you should do whatever you like. If you're happy with an open relationship, go for it, as long as your partner person is also happy with an open relationship.

Do I really need to make a case about looks? I think everyone almost universally agrees that looks matter. Character and personality matter but the first thing you see about a person are the looks. So no matter how overly idealistic some people try to be, they are actually wrong. Looks matter, that's why the vast majority of people take care of their looks and image. Other things matter, such as having a fun and pleasant conversation with that person, to talk about interesting stuff you both enjoy.

We like people because they have certain qualities that makes us feel good around them, either in how they make us feel or the values they exhibit, even when we are not aware of those things. It can grow into care for that other person, as in love, but initially we care about looks, then character and personality.

If you're too direct early on, you risk creating a ressistance that will never be lowered. Imagine someone saying "I love you" on the first date or that is obsessed after you, always calling you, always texting, daily, effectively insisting on you with messages. That just comes across as desperate, coming across as obsessed is a major red flag, and the first natural reaction of people who are bombarded this way is to back down. It gives the impression (false or not) that that person in either unstable, capable of anything, if he's willing to spam you with messages, what else is he willing to do? It also seems a bit weird that he doesn't even know you and he's so in love with you. Either obsessed, superficial or desperate. Either way, none of these are good for attraction.

Instead, take it slowly, don't reveal your feelings early, you're just friends or acquaintances, try to become familiar. And don't seem all interested in a relationship right away. Talk in a normal and friendly tone to women without making everything about a relationship, only to ask for a date when you become familiar. Be active in the conversation, care for the way she feels, try to make a pleasant conversation, to take feedback from her when she is not interested in a certain subject and change it.

If she replies late, don't get all upset and overreact, simply reply late as well, mirror her reply rate. And don't assume the worst. Instead think that "maybe she isn't at the phone" don't assume the worst case scenario and go for "she doesn't want to talk to me" and have a hateful reaction as a result. Yes, sometimes things may be the worst, so your fear is founded. But other times things may not be the worst and it's equally likely that you're acting based on the worst case scenario when you shouldn't. Is it possible that they find you bothering? yes. But, it is also possible that they simply forgot the phone and aren't paying attention to it right now, and you worry about the worst case scenario over nothing, when that worst case scenario is not even real.

In the dating phase, less interested is more interesting. People are drawn to uncertainty. This is why pick up lines such as "can you give me an autograph" or "are you pretending to act cold?" come across as desperate and if anything makes them lose interest. It comes across as flattering but in a bad way. Be respectful but not that humble. You have to take it slowly, don't ask for a date until you're mildly familiar with each other, until then, just take initiative to talk to her. You can also look at her and take her reactions as feedback to see whether you're in the right or wrong to tell her how you feel. If she feels invested and uplifted, that's a good sign, if she avoids you and replies rarely, that's a bad sign.

Don't get me wrong. When I say "less interested is more interesting" I'm not saying "don't be interested at all". You have to be interested enough to engage with the man or woman, if you don't, then you don't talk and no communicaiton, no connection, but at the same time, texting or calling daily can be suffocating, especially in the stages of a dating. You're interested in him or her but still weighting your options, they are a pretender, a possibility. Someone who pretends to be uninterested, someone who is rather cold and aloof and doesn't seem to hate us or be disrespectful but at the same time not longing to be with us every single time. There's something I don't like about this, but at the same time it makes sense. It also depends on your chemistry, how you feel when talking with each other, energized and wanting more, understood and being able to be yourself around them, interested in the discussion and subjects, or bored.

To not be boring you have to be social, smile, know how to joke without getting easily offended. I don't exactly know what you have to do, probably ask her about her hobbies without asking her about her hobbies, talk about her or things that interest her while also being interesting to you and keep it lighthearted with small jokes.

I think smart women, even if they are beautiful, don't want to be loved only for their looks. Women being loved for they looks is the equivalent of men being loved for their money.

Enter their spirit and play by their rules, is essentially have fun with each other, be playful. Why would they talk to you if they are not having fun? why would they want to be with you if they are not having fun? Personality matters. It's important to have fun and pleasant conversations that you both enjoy. To charge people with a positive energy. Of course, you don't have to be over the top, just enough to charge people with a positive energy.

It's important to try to be less inhibited so that you 2 can be more open with each other, get to know each other better and become more familiar. Love is to care about the other person, you cannot grow to care about the other person if you don't know the other person. It's important to feel good with one another. That's what a relationship is at the end of the day. Two people that feel good with one another. And are dating or in a relationship because they both feel good. It's important to find new stuff to do together. To find new fun activities that you can do. Take the initiative to ask her for new stuff. But don't impose, just ask.

Flatter and comfort their insecurities is the complete opposite of having fun. We all would like someone who believes in us, who would compliment us. Even if you don't know how to take a compliment and just say "thanks", it's hard to deny that a compliment doesn't feel good. And to have someone that actually believes in you is truly magic. This is not needy or desperate because giving compliments and believing in them is not an exclusive requirement of a romantic relationship, you could compliment her as a friend or because you genuinely believe that T-shirt is nice or that she can do it, without giving any hint for a relationship. Giving compliments is not something only people in a relationship do. And when there's something she's insecure about, about herself, reassure her that it's no big deal.

Pay attention to details and express your love in subtle gestures. This is gold, if I could say so myself. Because personally I believe love is not a grand gesture like sending a truck full of flowers, if anything, that's compensating. I believe real expression of love is in the small things, in the small and nice gestures that shows attention to her and care for her needs. It can be small things like: helping her carry something, giving her a small symbolic gift like a key ring with something specific about her, leaving her a sticky note at the door telling her that you miss her, showing up at her door with something to eat, or even at work, offering to help her with something she needs, etc.

Disarm her through strategic weakness and vulnerability. As a woman, when a guy approaches you, the most natural question is "what does this guy want from me?" because women are approached by men constantly. And of course, women have to deal with men who don't really love or at least feel attracted to them but only want them as a conquest. So they have a hard time telling who really loves/likes them and who does not, as to not get used by men. I know how the saying goes "men have to be 100% confident and certain of themselves" but a woman once told me that "If I don't see some insecurity and doubt in men when approaching me I have a hard time trusting them, because when you really like someone you're insecure, if you don't, you have an easier time being stable as the end result is always the same to you, there is no emotional investment or risk of loss there even if she rejects you". So looking like you can't control yourself might make her think you actually like her, that your love/like for her is genuine.

If you can create the illusion that through you they can live out their dreams, you will have them at your mercy. Aim at the secret wishes that have been thwarted or repressed, strring up uncontrollable emotions. This is strong correlated with the "have fun" part and the "express your love" part. We all have things we want, things we would like to do but can't, to be clear, I didn't mean fantasies when I said this, like someone wants to travel but can't, showing that through you they can do those things will actually make you more attractive. It's not about giving her money for the trip, being a sugar daddy, you are effectively asking her if she wants to come with you not go herself, it's about showing her that you have the capacity as well as the desire to fulfill some of her desires.

Most people want to be seduced. If they resist your efforts, it is probably because you have not gone far enough to allay their doubts. As pointed above, women want someone who loves them, in fact, we all woman. The problem is that women have this issue of not always knowing from the start who really loves/likes them or just want another conquest. Men have no such issue, so they don't even consider it when it comes for women. In other words, is the love sincere?one way to prove that yes, and remove her doubts, is to go as far for her as you could have. Being persistent but in a playful way while expressing your love in subtle ways. It's okay to insist sometimes, but you got to be aware between the no that means no and the no that means maybe. When you are persistent, don't be so in a conflictual way but in a way that demonstrates her that you like her.

Mix pleasure and pain. When you are in a relationship, you need to have someone you have a good time with. This does not work by always agreeing with the other person, always doing what the other person says, she wants a boyfriend not a waiter waiting to do all her needs. There has to be love of course,but there also has to be some fun, some challenge, some emotional spikes there, either good or bad.

If she becomes too used to you as the aggressor, she will give less of her own energy and the tension will slacken. This is about what I said at the beginning with if she replies late, don't get all upset and overreact, simply reply late as well, mirror her reply rate. Your lack of interest could raise her interest and vice-versa. The thing is, there has to be an interest there in the first place.

And finally, make the bold move: ask her out, in a bold and convincing way. If she has doubts, and you have doubts, now you are 2 people with doubt. But if she has doubts, and you are confident, she could be like "maybe he knows what he is doing". Of course, all of this considering that you know she is already attracted to you when you do this. If she isn't, she's going to say no no matter your confidence. Of course, you could never know 100% but you can probably read her mind and make an estimate there. It's literally impossible to make a 100% accurate prediction of what everybody is thinking, that doesn't mean you should take no calculated risks.

I don't mean to make her feel guilty and insecure for real, but in a jokingly way. Having a good time doesn't mean always agreeing with the other person.

As I said above when it came to being funny, make jokes, but make sure your jokes are appropiate. Light jokes that either make fun of nobody or of someone but very lightly. Depending on how close you are and what you can afford with each other, it's okay if they are a bit upset after a joke, if they feel attacked, the problem is not to make the joke insulting or offensive. Light fun, with slight superiority for yourself without bragging or lack of skill for the other. Make fun in the limit of decency.

Someone once told me that in order to make someone attracted to you, you have to make them either out of the ordinary negative and positive. People have all sorts of emotions during the day, most of which are neutral, and we usually don't remember most events on days from our lives, but we remember those that were incredibly negative or positive. The same is true with people, we remember those that made us experience out of the ordinary negative or positive experiences.

Obviously, fully negative is bad, if someone gives you only negative experiences there's no reason to be attracted to them, you would detest them. But so is fully positive, if before you even had a date, you know that someone is always interested in you and is always there for you, whenever you call he will answer 'like a dog', you kind of take them for granted, he is there. But a mix of positive and negative seems to do the trick. Negative absolutely does not mean being a jerk, but it can mean having jokes where you downplay her, when someone 'attacks you'.

ou know, make a fun and pleasant conversation with that person revolved around laughing with each other. Girls like to be made fun of, as long as the make fun of is light and respectful. You have to get used to lowering the filer on what you say but keep your words soft and respectful as you're talking to a girl. Make fun of things that are clearly false, depending on how close you are. You should make jokes without upsetting her, but you can't always know when you have overstepped the line, and as I said above, it's better to try and take feedback and never try and always wonder. Lack of practice doesn't lead to experience, practice with failure leads to experience, and if you have practice with success all the great.

Personally, I like that simulated battle of wits, it isn't real and makes no sense, really says nothing at the end of the day, but it's funny. On the positive side, it can also equally mean having jokes where you make her feel amused. Other form of jokes are on the positive side: normal jokes about various things, self-irony, something absurd, changing the context or making fun of someone not related to the discussion.

Of course not every joke or battle of wits has to be a personal attack on the other person, it can be simulating sadness or making a reference, not backing down, implying you did nothing wrong, and when it is a personal attack, it can be a very light one, such as implying they don't understand a certain thing, that they don't have culture, or implying certain things, making fun of a trait of them that is not very offensive. Something that they don't care about and won't offend them. You can also do the same thing with yourself, make self-irony, make fun of yourself in equal measure, to offer some reassurance. What I mean by respectful is not necessarly humble but to take into account how other people feel.

Of course, don't do only that. Mainly, do nice gestures that shows "wow, this person really cares about me", "if anything, it would make me trust that person more".

When I said to indulge her every mood and whim, give her nothing to react against or resist, I meant you should be a caring and empathetic person.

It's natural and healthy for humans to rely on others for their own happiness. It's called trust, and you don't give it to anyone, only to the people closest to you that you know you can trust. You did this when you were a baby, we all did when we were raised by our parents as helpless beings.

It's true that one shouldn't be entierly dependent on other people financially and emotionally. One should be an autonomous and independent individual, who while appreciating effort and help from others, can take care of himself. But that doesn't mean we can't allow other people to make us happy. Allowing yourself to rely on people you can trust for your own happiness won't suddenly make you codependent.

When I said tell them what they want to hear I meant compliments. Going back to making jokes, don't only make fun of her, make fun of her and praise her. Give her genuine compliments. Also going back to honest opinion. When you give your honest opinion about something, when you show that you are willing to disagree, the compliments also come across as more sincere. Mainly be positive, but show that you can also be negative. Being mainly negative would make you a jerk, the type of person who makes fun and makes fun and makes fun and people get tired of constantly being made fun of.

*Any thoughts?*

I know this covers multiple subjects, but I want to get a full picture, feel free to answer only what subjects you are interested in. And sorry for the long post, but again, I want to get a full picture.


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## Allostasis (Feb 2, 2021)

You are wrong.
/thread


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

Genuine love is caring about someone's well being--perhaps as much as your own. 

The rest is just fun stuff that the person likes. Preferences and activities that they enjoy. That's seduction.

I would say love is more about need and seduction/romance is more about want. Sometimes people are full of what others might want but not what they need (or even against their needs...like a con artist). Some people have plenty of what others need but they don't attract them well because they're not advertising the pleasing stuff.

Genuine love is usually unseen and unknown whereas seduction/romance is clear and what is observable. 

There's not just one way though because people are different--it's more about what matches.


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## X10E8 (Apr 28, 2021)

Dezir said:


> Part 3.
> 
> *What if during the conversation you get stuck in intervew mode and just ask each other questions?*
> 
> ...


Awesome writing, either way, you're a good writer.😄😄

*You should consider writing a book!

You seem to enjoy writing* in depth and detail, This is quite informative for those of us who desire a thorough examination of the issue.

For those of us who only want a quick overview comprehension, offering a synopsis will serve.

*Yes, I agree* in part. When it comes to dating, there are two essential characteristics that must be met in order to form a relationship; however, if it's just for hookups, physical compatibility is all that's required.


1.) *Physical compatibility🥇👑🏆👁*

(do you have similar💪🏿 or superior beauty?👩‍⚕️💃Do you have genes of good quality👄👁 or similar gene quality🧬?)


2.) *Personality compatibility🏅🥈🤍*

(Do we have similar personalities? Do we have something in common? Do our personalities match up🧠👥💜)


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## ENFPathetic (Apr 3, 2018)

When does the bite sized version come out?


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## Inveniet (Aug 21, 2009)

@Dezir 


> *Any thoughts?*


On scrolling past the first post... DAMN!
Second post... WHAT?
Third post... HOLY SHIT!
Fourth post... I don't even...

I'll let you know my thoughts on the subject, if I can make myself spare enough time to actually read it.
I think I will probably have to break it up into parts and comment on each part, if I actually do that, I'm still undecided.


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## Inveniet (Aug 21, 2009)

@Dezir 


> *What is genuine love?*
> 
> Genuine love is a care. To love a person is to care about that person. In a very specific way, more than he would care for an average man on the street. Someone who genuinely loves you, loves you for more than looks, he loves you for the person you are and cares for you.
> 
> ...


Okay so right off the bat you equalize love with care.
This seems to be focused on male love for a female.
Is it your experience that the male loves and cares and the female receive love and care?
Can't the female love and care for the man? If not, why is this so?

Is love care, changing and sacrificing by the male towards the famale?
If so, love is sort of a raw transactional deal between the man and the woman.
The man give and the woman takes.
The woman gives back sex and children I assume.
Not totally PC look on things, but I follow you.

Maybe this becomes clearer deeper into your work, I dunno, but I'm sort of out of time now for this round.


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## Inveniet (Aug 21, 2009)

@Dezir 
I read a little more of your stuff, and I have been pondering it on the bus to work and such.
I think I will eventually read the whole thing, as the topic really interests me, but my time is limited.

An obervation on the caring thing was when I translated it into my native norwegian.
A direct translation of "I care about you" does not make sense.
We would actually say "I bother myself about you"
Care is replaced with bother.

From this it becomes clear that care is more or less a bother, and the only reason to bother to care, is because one loves.
Without love, it would only be a hassle to care about someone, or to bother about them.
Anyway my two cents this late evening


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## Aarya (Mar 29, 2016)

_Proceeds to first write own opinion_

Pass the test for basic human relationing in the real world and don't confuse desperation with genuine interest; busy and married people with single people.

From that stems trust in one's own gut, which to me has been important in choosing partners. Suggest activities but don't be a weirdo wanting to touch the other non-stop. Invite friends home if appropriate and it doesn't have to be the most polished, marbled looking place if the host is warm and kind.

So how to build that kind of trust in oneself? By accepting when you are right and wrong after testing it, and without being overly prejudiced about your findings or talking yourself down. And so you learn to correctly interpret such signals. Honesty with oneself and a bit of courage are amazing to have for progression in life and for being *attractive in general. *

Even when my relationships ended (badly? or due to bad circumstances?), I still (believe I) learned something new and beneficial. Something that can't be debated: I got to have fun in unique ways.
It's weird how mostly they end with nice talks, but then what follows is pretty hard. Like the talk was just a facade of wishes and reality has to be faced where emotions are still raging.
But I loved them all, and that's important. Though I tend to suffer a lot at the end, I just hate bad endings, in life and in movies both. I hate non-continuation, and I like to remain friends, but it seems to me like the trend among the guys that like me is to not be able or want to maintain a friendship with me; probably because of still existing feelings of love, passion, hurt, or whatever else burns more intensely, that can get triggered.
I think I do like people like myself in some moral aspects.

So please, *do hate bad endings*, and strive to make it nice even when it's a depressing.

*Genuine love* therefore doesn't have to be the most mature and responsible from the very beginning, but has to be spontaneous. But that's just a "first day" description of something that I believe should last for a while to be considered love and not just *infatuation*. I think there has to be an "I like you" more or less from the first sight in one person's head. Now I know that can sound weird, but I will explain: one has to remember the first moment or next first times you saw the person you so like, and think to yourself "There's something about them... that I quite, quite liked". What do you do if you can't even recall the first times you interacted (or say, the first 2 months) because they weren't relevant for whatever reason? When you like someone from the very beginning, perhaps it is easy to call it *destiny*? Now, I know there are enough people who become lovers with friends they've known for years previously. I think it's rather curious when it comes from a close circle of friends. If they've known them in a work environment only, or in lesser depth, maybe that is easier to understand.

Directness is important, once you're certain feelings are mutual; don't you become only more curious; can you stand to just stalk the other?

I think most people can and do get what they strive for, eventually. Of course, luck and randomness play a role. Applies in relationships, but one just has to meet people. Damn, that's hard. How do people meet other people without investing too much money once they move cities, and without using dating apps? Drawing classes, gym membership? Write a chapter on that  , and make it for the EU public too, haha.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

@Dezir 

You got the Cliff Notes version? I don't come on this forum to read a novel. I do that every night when I'm in bed. The skill with writing is being able to convey what you mean with as few words as possible.


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## Dalien (Jul 21, 2010)

Love is intangible.


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## Queen of Cups (Feb 26, 2010)

Dalien said:


> Love is intangible.


Basically. (not reading that dissertation) 


But also for me, it’s an action verb. It’s so much more than what you feel. It’s how you treat the other person.

We took our wedding vows directly out of 1 Corinthians, instead of love, honor, obey etc we promised patience, kindness and selflessness in putting the other person first. And they’re principles we strive towards in our relationship. 










But that is what love is to me. 
Love will look and feel different to everyone.


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## INTJ_Artist (Aug 19, 2021)

Desir, you are a decent writer, in that you put words together well. But you have absolutely no clue what you are talking about, and the absurd length of your posts is the first clue. I can sum up how to get a date in less than 200 words, and have done so here: Concepts about dating with masculinity/feminity and the...

Amongst other mistakes, you attribute male visual attraction factors to women, who are far more attracted to male confidence, wit, and social standing. Someone following your advice will become a clueless simp who will get preyed upon by a woman who wants their emotional and financial support without any romantic entanglements. To do that to a man or a woman is evil.

When I met my wife of 16 years (and 3 children) she immediately walked away from every other man she was dating because she had bonded to me. Which is what healthy women do when they love someone. They give us love, and in turn we care for and protect them. That happened because we had a great deal in common, shared values, and I treated her in a way (which simps call toxic) that clearly demonstrated my confidence and delighted her. I had standards she had to meet, and she had much higher standards that I had to meet. Or else we would both have walked away. Why? Because both of us were confident, were comfortable being alone if need be, and knew we had plenty of other choices.

Gaining that confidence takes work. It takes learning how to approach women, making mistakes, and trying again. It means experiencing heartbreak and coming out the other side stronger than you were before. It does NOT mean becoming an emotional/financial crutch to a women who is sleeping with someone else. In the desperate hope that if you stick around long enough she will put out.

How long does gaining that confidence take? About 2 years if you work at it.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

Love is friendship that has caught fire. Love is content with the present, it hopes for the future, and it doesn’t brood over the past. It’s the day-in and day-out chronicle of irritations, problems, compromises, small disappointments, big victories and working toward common goals. If you have love in your life it can make up for a great many things you lack. If you don’t have it, no matter what else there is, it’s not enough. — Ann Landers


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## Dalien (Jul 21, 2010)

Queen of Cups said:


> Basically. (not reading that dissertation)
> 
> 
> But also for me, it’s an action verb. It’s so much more than what you feel. It’s how you treat the other person.
> ...


Yes, they are beautiful ideals and worthy. Yet, there is love that falls into the negative for many reasons—the complexity of it all. I said to my sister not long ago on the subject of God that it’s the love that one carries in their heart where forgiveness reigns. And, with that there are much complexities that would be too complicated for me to express at the moment.

Love is intangible because of the fact that it does mean something different to everyone.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

Dalien said:


> Yes, they are beautiful ideals and worthy. Yet, there is love that falls into the negative for many reasons—the complexity of it all. I said to my sister not long ago on the subject of God that it’s the love that one carries in their heart where forgiveness reigns. And, with that there are much complexities that would be too complicated for me to express at the moment.
> 
> Love is intangible because of the fact that it does mean something different to everyone.


I would say that it's subjective because each of us experiences the neuro-chemical/hormonal experience differently, but there does appear to be some commonalities that can be discussed. 

Ultimately, beyond how it makes us feel and all the words we use to explain it, I believe love is a verb. It is what we do because of it that really defines it.


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## Dalien (Jul 21, 2010)

tanstaafl28 said:


> I would say that it's subjective because each of us experiences the neuro-chemical/hormonal experience differently, but there does appear to be some commonalities that can be discussed.
> 
> Ultimately, beyond how it makes us feel and all the words we use to explain it, I believe love is a verb. It is what we do because of it that really defines it.


Yes, love is an action, but it’s still intangible whether there are actions upon it or not. Yes, there usually are actions. Yet, deep inside and to your self is intangible. Which leads to…



> Love is intangible because of the fact that it does mean something different to everyone.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

Dalien said:


> Yes, love is an action, but it’s still intangible whether there are actions upon it or not. Yes, there usually are actions. Yet, deep inside and to your self is intangible. Which leads to…


But we just found something we can agree on, so it's not completely subjective/intangible...are we splitting hairs here?


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## Dalien (Jul 21, 2010)

tanstaafl28 said:


> But we just found something we can agree on, so it's not completely subjective/intangible...are we splitting hairs here?


Love can do that, don’t ya think—split hairs? 🙂
Intangible doesn’t quite mean subjective.


> *intangible (adj.)*
> 1630s, "incapable of being touched," from French intangible (c. 1500) or directly from Medieval Latin intangibilis, from in- "not" (see in-(1)) + Late Latin tangibilis "that may be touched" (see tangible). Figurative sense of "that cannot be grasped by the mind" is from 1880. Noun meaning "anything intangible" is from 1909. Related: Intangibly.





> *subjective (adj.)*
> c. 1500, "characteristic of one who is submissive or obedient," from Late Latin subiectivus "of the subject, subjective," from subiectus "lying under, below, near bordering on," figuratively "subjected, subdued"(see subject (n.)). In early Modern English as "existing, real;" more restricted meaning "existing in the mind" (the mind as "the thinking subject") is from 1707, popularized by Kant and his contemporaries; thus, in art and literature, "personal, idiosyncratic" (1767). Related: Subjectively; subjectiveness.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

Dalien said:


> Love can do that, don’t ya think—split hairs? 🙂
> Intangible doesn’t quite mean subjective.


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

Love is intangible and subjective.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

Dalien said:


> Love can do that, don’t ya think—split hairs? 🙂
> Intangible doesn’t quite mean subjective.


Where I think intangible and subjective are similar is they are attempts to describe something that's not fully (or perhaps consciously?) describable. They are concepts that are difficult to put into words but we know they exist. Perhaps they do diverge at some point. A subjective opinion is not the same as an objective opinion, which would be more tangible. This is fun. I love words! My undergrad is a BS Secondary Education Communications with a minor in Theatre Arts (I fancy myself a _Semanticist_ of sorts). 


* *




I apologize for dragging this out, I just got caught up in it.


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## Swivelinglight (Jun 12, 2020)

intangible means unable to be held. it's imaginary. subjective means through ones personal perspective. it's possible for a tangible object to emit subjective emotions.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

mia-me said:


> Love is intangible and subjective.


I like the way you think. Have I mentioned that before?


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

tanstaafl28 said:


> I like the way you think. Have I mentioned that before?


Same. We share non-extremist mentalities.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

Swivelinglight said:


> intangible means unable to be held. it's imaginary. subjective means through ones personal perspective. it's possible for a tangible object to emit subjective emotions.


But I would consider something that's _objective_ to be more tangible than something that's subjective. That's why I brought subjectivity into the discussion.


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## Swivelinglight (Jun 12, 2020)

yeah that's fair. in some ways they have very similar connotations. interesting thought to be certain


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## Dalien (Jul 21, 2010)

tanstaafl28 said:


> Where I think intangible and subjective are similar is they are attempts to describe something that's not fully (or perhaps consciously?) describable. They are concepts that are difficult to put into words but we know they exist. Perhaps they do diverge at some point. A subjective opinion is not the same as an objective opinion, which would be more tangible. This is fun. I love words! My undergrad is a BS Secondary Education Communications with a minor in Theatre Arts (I fancy myself a _Semanticist_ of sorts).
> 
> 
> * *
> ...





tanstaafl28 said:


> But I would consider something that's _objective_ to be more tangible than something that's subjective. That's why I brought subjectivity into the discussion.


There’s a big difference between the words objective/subjective and objectivity/subjectivity. Just like there’s a difference between intangible and subjective. I thought the conversation was about love and not philosophy or political innuendo as you‘re pulling in and as @mia-me may or may not imply with her last post.


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

@Dalien 

There was nothing specifically political about my statement. It was a comment about our shared overarching world view which trickles down to how we appear to perceive different aspects of life.


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## Penny (Mar 24, 2016)

they say you know it's love when it lasts. i think we do have destiny but it's up to us whether we meet a good or evil fate. I personally think everything is predetermined though so our notion of free will is kind of eh. Like sure we make choices but it's like the choices we make or made were somehow already made for us (even if it was by us) if that makes any sense. i don't know how true that is though. but then at the same time life is kind of like a game to play and the outcome may yet to be determined depending on how we play.. how to be attractive. just be yourself and you will attract what it is that you put out to the world?


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

Dalien said:


> There’s a big difference between the words objective/subjective and objectivity/subjectivity. Just like there’s a difference between intangible and subjective. I thought the conversation was about love and not philosophy or political innuendo as you‘re pulling in and as @mia-me may or may not imply with her last post.


So let's try to bring this discussion back on track. "objectivity/oubjectivity would be the noun form of the word, whereas I was using the adjective form of the word: "objective/subjective" to describe the condition in which we know something but find it very difficult to describe it to anyone else. In this sense, there's some part of being in love that is both subjective and intangible because we can know it but poets and romantics have been trying for centuries to describe it, but they always seems to fall short somehow.

I consider the _subjective_ realm to be less tangible than the _objective_ realm, in this way I was conveying the idea that, on one level, how we each experience "love" means is highly _subjective_, in that it is very difficult to define in a way that makes the _experience_ of love universally understood, which also makes it highly _intangible_, however, we can clearly express how we love someone through actions, therefore, the _experience of love_ is more challenging to verbalize than it is to act upon. Simply saying: "I love you," means something entirely different from one person to the next because _we are not that person_ and we cannot directly experience what they are experiencing when they feel love, and vice-versa. So, basically I'm saying that the primary intangible quality of love is that_ how we internalize the experience may be very different from how we express it_?


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

From my experiences, most guys aren't very good at expressing emotions due to western gender role socialization and expectations. So as a generality, most guys express love non-verbally, willing to do things for you at their own expense (most often the currency isn't monetary). They try to do things that they know or believe will make you happy. Because of this, they also expect the same in return but also often require verbal validation because women are gender role expected to be more emotionally verbal and have substantial emotional vocabularies.


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## pwowq (Aug 7, 2016)

Destiny: Nope.


Genuine love is a choice you do. It can be unknowingly or knowingly. As for myself it depends on my own will wether I will love someone or not. Infatuation doesn't count.


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## HypernovaGirl (May 9, 2016)

Only read the title. «What is genuine love?» I guess I believe genuine love is when you accomplish making yourself or another/others feel respected above all.

«Is there a destiny?» «The destiny is the sharp pointy knife, that holds you with no possible escape.»

«How to be attractive» I suppose different people value different things; or better yet, we all probably value the very same things, but with varying degrees. Make sure you are taking good care of yourself. What is important to you? This way you will be in the right places for you, doing what is right for you, and you will be creating your destiny.


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## Electra (Oct 24, 2014)

Too long; didn't read...sorry.

There are different kinds of love, sexual lust, romantic love, platonic love and motherly love, for example.
Motherly love is for me absolutely unconditional.

I don't know how to be attractive. The men I feel romantically naturally attracted to now are kind and empathic with a look that also attract me. The look can differ from man to man, there is no one size fits all for me. I can not control who I fall in love with at all, it is utterly and completely independent of my own will, unfortunetly. I can however control my _actions_ to a large degree, despite of how I _feel_.


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## Dezir (Nov 25, 2013)

Electra said:


> Too long; didn't read...sorry.
> 
> There are different kinds of love, sexual lust, romantic love, platonic love and motherly love, for example.


I am talking about romantic love.

The shorter version is (this is going to be long, but stil way shorter than the original post):

*I. What is genuine love?*

Genuine love is a care. *To love a person is to care about that person*. In a very specific way, more than he would care for an average man on the street.

Someone who genuinely loves you, loves you for more than looks, he loves you for the person you are and cares for you. To tell genuine love ask yourself: Is he interested in getting to know each other better? is he is interested in the person she is? Is there intimacy between them? When one of them has a problem or is bothered by something, is he telling that to the other? How many things is he willing to sacrifice for her? going back to the idea that he will change for her, if he genuinely loves her, he will do some things he would otherwise not do.

*Looks matter*, before you see someone's character or personality, you are attracted to their looks. Regardless of whether you were born with good looking genes or not, you can always invest in your good looks. Get good looking facially and physically, it makes everything else easier, and not just in dating.

First you are attracted by someone physically, then you go talk to them and get to know them and if it happens you fall in love with their personality.

Is there a destiny or are people just falling in love randomly or based on attraction? We all know of people who are a 1 or a 10 on the sexual attractiveness scale or social attractiveness. There doesn't seem to be much room left for destiny when one can have 100 people and others can't even have one. What you do is what you get. If you want to experiment everything life has to offer you got to work for it. This is equally valid in your career as it is in love.

We like people because they have certain qualities that makes us feel good around them, either in how they make us feel or the values they exhibit, even when we are not aware of those things.

It can grow into care for that other person, as in love, but initially we care about looks, then character and personality.

People want to know you care about them, people want to be cared for, that's what love is and how they know you're a keeper. People looking for deep connections want someone to be in it for them, not their looks and cars.

Women being loved for their looks is the equivalent of men being loved for their money. Sure, they would appreciate being liked for their looks, but that's not enough, it's superficial. They want to be loved for the person they are, not for the body they have. *Not caring about your looks, but caring about the person you are, caring that you feel good, wanting the best for you*.

Probably the most romantic thing ever is intimacy. Not buying 1000 flowers, but *being able to be yourself around the other person*, being able to share your more secret thoughts and desires.

*II. How to be attractive*

Charisma and looks. Charisma is to know how to make atmosphere. There are many ways to be charismatic, such as being able to make and keep a spicy conversation, being able to find and talk about interesting subjects, being able to make jokes and maintain good spirits, and so on.

Charisma is to know how to make yourself likeable. Treat people right and be gentle with them. You also don't have to insist on her. You just have to be great around her.

Make yourself likeable by making the other person feel pleasant around you. Attraction is a feeling.

You can eventually talk about deep stuff, transition from small talk to big talk. Have an honest discussion, *share, open your hearts to various things that bothers you or her or talk about various issues in the world* or with other people, that is equally interesting, to be emotionally connected with the other person.

Be open to talk about feelings, it doesn't have to be a 2-way discussion. It's a mix of being fun and caring, which is natural for humans, not only in dating but with anyone.

In order to be truly charismatic I think you need to like yourself first. Which is why I recommend to have dignity and self-respect.

Dignity means to believe you are worthy of respect and to stand up for yourself when appropiate. You feel entitled to respect in a way. Self-respect means that you care about you and don't allow other people to disrespect you.

Be yourself, as in be the default version that you can be without effort, but in the limit of common sense, at the same time have decency and be considerate of other people.

*You can be more attractive when you are trying to be natural than when you are trying to be a certain thing. It gives you confidence and it shows there's something genuine that can't be replicated.

It's important to be socially appropiate, to be aware of your relationship and position towards the other person*. And of the level of opneness you can afford with the other person depending on how close you are.

The decision whether we like other people is mostly emotional, if we feel good with or around them then we like them, if not then we don't like them.

But don't be just entertaining, have some depth, show that yes you can be a joker if you want to but you're not just a joker. You can switch from having moments of laugh and ironies to having moments of *just being polite like saying "please", "may I please", "would you like to" in a nice way that makes it hard to refuse, a non-intimidating yet confident way*, or switch to having depth moments with some honesty and emotional connection.

Like admitting your mistakes, stating your intentions and things like that. You can be like *"look, I'm not trying to, I know you and I don't want to, but I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry about that, I made a lot of mistakes*, I was going over the top; I never actually asked you, I just sort of insisted and implied it; and I had this idea like so I went over too far with my declarations, I went in too deep too soon, and I never communicated when I thought something was off or had a worry, I was inexperienced and acted way too immaturely and I'm sorry for that, it was my fault".

*You got to feel the other person, look at them and see if they are responsive to that when you speak from your heart*. It also shows you have depth, that you have warmth, that you can be real, that you can be you without a mask or being hidden, that you are not simply a joker or an entertainer, or simply a platonic nice polite guy. It also makes it less likely to have miscomunication in the future, by *making them more likely for them share when they think something is off or have a worry*, because you just did that and you showed them it's okay to do it.

*Being fun is the most attractive trait someone can have*, more than looks, more than money or status or popularity.

This doesn’t mean that in order to win people over you have to constantly be playing the dancing monkey and always putting on a performance. *You just want to be someone who creates good vibes* and who's fun to be around in general. You're a cool person, not the entertainment director.

Optimism and confidence are important, because optimism and confidence can reach the other person. *We speak beyond words with non-verbal messages*. A smile is very important.

* III. How to be trustworthy and who to trust*

Be honest, competent, reliable, empathetic, kind, generous, humble and discrete. Over time the majority of people will trust you if you display these qualities.

*Be genuine, don't shy away from your flaws*. Be original, don't be perfect. Don't be too diplomatic, too much flattering and praising is always doubtful.

Be discrete, don't tell everyone about what you're doing or to others what others are doing, don't leak one's secrets to the other, even if it's your loved ones. *The trait of confidentiality is the most important step in trust-building*.

*Keep your word, it's a symbol of your integrity*. If your word is very important to you, it will also be very important to them.

Have strong values and guiding principles. Having no committed values, you bend when it suits you and this will undermine all your achievements.

In reverse, some people may have a harder time trusting the other gender because of past experiences. To this, I would say, be rational about it, people will act in their advantage. You can expect people to act in their advantage, their best interest. *We can trust people to do what is in their nature or in their personal interest*.

And I would also say that sometimes it's worth the risk to take a leap of faith. *Screw the risk of pain*. You're effectively robbing yourself of the chance to have one of the most beautiful things you can possibly have, because of a risk of pain.

*You can trust people to act in their nature*. Trust everyone but cut the cards. Trust everyone but make sure nobody is cheating in the game. So, at the same time, as you should be, doing all the right things to give the girl what she needs and to play into female nature and *make it a win for her to be with you*, at the same time, you need to cover your bases.

IV. How to gain people's trust

Be there for them, be a guardian angel. Don't be judgemental and listen, actively listen[/b]. If anything, offer reassurance in the form of an advice instead, rather than judgment. I don't want to say "treat her like sister you never had" since you're hitting on them romantically but you probably understand the protective feeling and genuine care that comes out of that statement.

*Make them feel comfortable, to feel that you are somebody they can talk to when they have an issue*. Get to know each other even more well. Develop even more intimacy.

I think intimacy is when you make someone really feel connected, *when you go from "how are you doing?" to questions about feelings "did you enjoy that?", "how it made you feel?"*.

*Intimacy is being able to be yourself around the other person without fear of being judged*, being able to share your more secret thoughts, insecurities and desires without fear that they will spoil or be indifferent to them.

If you happen to experience a communication block, try to be her friend rather than an authority figure. *Come across as someone who is trying to understand her*, don't come across as someone who is trying to educate her or teach her a lesson.

And *be considerate about the way she feels at the moment of your discussion, don't try to push her too hard*, don't jump to questions suddenly as it came out of nowhere, and if you asked a question and you see that she doesn't want to answer drop it, don't push her, because she may not want to answer.

*You can ask around the block questions instead*, for example, if she doesn't want to tell you where she has been in weekend, don't insist, instead ask "where you there with many friends or just your boyfriend?", "do I know what place?", she might not give you the answer but she will give you hints.

And whatever you do, don't do something she wouldn't like. It's exactly because of that that she won't tell you what is going on in the first place.

Intimacy is built on trust, you got to make an attempt to get closer with each other by talking about your concerns and worries. In a way, be a guardian angel. And *approach people with softness, because they may back down if they are pushed too far*.

And *don't be judgmental, whatever you do, be someone who tries to give advice or just listen to her*, not someone who tries to make a moral out of this.

*Offer reassurance in the form of an advice, but only after you're listened* and don't force it upon her.

*It's great to have someone that you can talk about anything with, including your insecurities*. Have deep talks about life and so on. For this, you need mutual trust, and well, *you got to be the first person who do it*.

*She needs to get to a place where she can trust you with her feelings*. Probably, you need to show her that she is being understood at the core of who she is.

*Show her kindness and desire to help her and she may begin to trust you*. Make her understand that you will be there for her. Showing that you're being someone she can rely and count on. When she will trust you, she will open up by herself without you pushing her to open up and you can talk to her about her insecurities.

*You can also share a secret to make her trust you more*. Sharing a secret shows her that you trust her. If you trust her, this will make her more likey to trust you.

People look at the character of the other person when they decide whether to trust them or not. So far, *what have you done to show that she can have confidence in you?

Greet her as if you were greeting an old friend you hadn't seen in a while*. Smile deeply. A great smile is remembered.

*Talk slowly, being a fast talker has negative connotations*, people respond better to someone who talks slowly and deliberately. Exude calmness and be measure in your speech. Don't talk or feel rushed.

*Find commonality. Mentally, people are looking to check a box that they can make some sort of affiliation with you*, however distant. Find any sort of commonality, shared interests and common connection. For example: I see you went to school in New England", "you also know Joe", "yes, Joe's a great guy. I went to school with him. How do you know him?", it goes a long ways in terms of building trust.

*Listen as if she was the only person in the room and make her feel that way. Look her in the eyes. Show her that you're listening by focusing on what she's saying*. Don't interrupt her or finish her sentences. When she finishs saying something, wait a second before responding. This indicates you've really listened and you're taking it in.

*Validate them, this most often comes in the form of agreeing with them*. When people sense disagreement they put up barriers, reinforce their reasoning, and create distance. This principal is called "Yes, and ..." it's how you build on a story and create spontaneity and consensus.

Think of the times you’ve met someone new and walked away with a good impression. Look back on the encounter and think of what made you feel that way. Chances are what you really felt was validated and listened to.

*Become a good listener, ask more questions, suspend your ego, be authentic, admit you are not perfect, don't be pushy*, adjust to almost any situation, don't be judgemental, copy body language, tell a secret.

*Expect good things, people treat others consistent with their expectations*, and, therefore, cause the person to behave in a way that confirms such expectations. If you think someone is an asshole, you'll act toward him or her in a way that will produce “asshole” behavior. On the other hand, if you expect someone to be friendly toward you, they are likely to behave in a friendly fashion because of your ingratiating actions.

*You can be the first to talk about your worries and doubts with her or share a secret*. When she moderately trusts you, ask her questions about herself without being judgmetnal, *agreeing with and actively listening to her without interrupting*, and offering reassurance in the form of advice. Listen to her, help her, don't be an authority figure who tries to judge her. Don't try to educate her or teach her a lesson, try to understand her, her situation and her perspective, how she feels about things.

*If she doesn't want to answer to a certain thing don't insist, accept it and ask latteral questions instead*, she might not give you the answer but she will give you hints, and eventually may give you the answer to that thing she was originally hesitant about.

*And whatever you do, do not invalidate her feelings, whatever she is feeling it must be right*. The "you should not feel that way" is probably the worst thing you can hear.

And offer advice but in the form of a guide, an opinion, without forcing her words, her hands or pushing her around. If she doesn't want to answer to a certain thing don't insist, accept it and ask latteral questions instead, she might not give you the answer but she will give you hints, and eventually may give you the answer to that thing she was originally hesitant about. And expect good things, if you expect someone to be friendly toward you, they are likely to behave in a friendly fashion because of your ingratiating actions.

An example of advice is courage over fear. Like *if someone has a fear, you can tell them that it's okay to be afraid, we're all afraid sometimes, but that's no incentive not to do it*. Or that *it's okay to fail sometimes, nobody is born learned*, trying and doing it, this is how we learn.

Then you can understand her situation, it will make you closer to each other and then you can ask her for a date.

*V. Character*

A good character matters. *Character is to treat people right, to take into account how other people feel and not wish to make them feel bad*. Character is to be educated _(not in the sense of having much knowledge, but in the common sense and dececny sense)_ and take into account other people.

To have a good soul, want to help others and appreciate what others do for you. I'm going to take a wild guess and assume *girls with sensitivity like polite and respectful men with sensitivity and a gentle soul*.

Someone who can open their heart and can show depths of feeling. Someone loving who is like a gentleman.

*Showing sensitivity is attractive*, like learning an instrument, looking at art, listening to opera, music about the soul like rap. Girls with sensitivity like men who show that they look beyond looks and appreciate the person they are.

*Helping her would be appreciated, when she has an issue or problem offering to help can be quite romantic even if it doesn't look as such*. Even small things like opening the door for her or pouring soda can be apprciated. Filling out the other person's needs is romantic, *especially if you do it in an unexpected way*.

*Make people appreciate you. Perhaps the best thing to get from others is appreciation rather than respect. Look for people to appreciate you*. That is what is important, to be appreciated by people. Please everyone, split yourself the best you can, without neglecting yourself. That will prove your reputation wrong and gain people's respect and admiration.

It can be simple things like remembering people's birthday, or telling them things they want to hear like "good thoughts" or "good words". It can really make people feel seen and valued.

Women appreciate displaying kindness, showing sensitivity. Women like men with kindness, desire to help, depth of feeling and a gentle soul.

For good character, it's also important to be polite, it can soften people. You can simply be polite by *formulating your words very nicely and asking for permission*, "can I come to your place?", "can I do that?", "can I walk with you?", "can I do this?", "do you want me to do that?", or *offering to do things for them without them actually asking*, like taking the trash or doing the small things.

Of course, don't exaggerate with this, there are situations when you don't have to ask for permission, *such as when you're trying to be romantic or unexpected*, or when it comes to very small things like taking a pen, but what I'm trying to say is that being polite by asking for permission can be attractive for it shows common sense and good education. It essentially says that *you're taking into account their desires* before doing something, and people appreciate that. *And people appreciate politeness in general*, being soft-spoken "can I", "can I take that", "can I close that", "can I do this".

*Showing sensitivity and romantic care be equally attractive through the softness of your heart*, it shows depth of feelings, which is something many women find attractive in a romantic partner.

You can show sensitivity by listening to music with deep messages, by learning an instrument, by looking at and being fascinated by art, by listening to opera, by *being tender and romantic with them, making them unexpected gifts that are very specific*. Or even things like *leaving them a note* telling them how much they mean to you.

*Compassion is what makes a good character*, not only to want the best for others and actively encourage them in that direction, but to also appreciate what others do for you and to be grateful for their support. Even thinking "poor thing" when you see a stray dog is a sign of compassion.

Warmth works, being a warm person works. *Be a man with high character, look at them for what they are*.

*VI. Fun Still Matters*

Of course, you still have to be fun. If you meet a girl that is kind of boring and unattractive but very nice and loving, would you consider dating her? *It certainly helps, she is very delicate and attentive and helpful but doesn't have much going on for her in terms of having a fun time together or having good looks. So you may have doubts because of the latter parts*.

*Although I talked a lot about the importance of being nice and loving*, helping her with small things and doing things for her, pretty much everyone is delicate and attentive with the people they like, everyone is a gentleman when they like that person, *you're not special for doing it*.

*What about politeness, when should you be formal or informal?*

While:

Showing sensitivity shows depth of feelings.
Helping her even with small things like opening the door for her or pouring soda can be apprciated and quite romantic and shows character and good education.
One can have character meaning take into account how other people feel and not wish to make them feel bad, while being daring, having courage to go and ask, to take initiative, without having a mean-spirited, bitter, cruel side, as one can be a confident yet kind person.


Being like a gentleman because it's a nice thing to do, and being very nice and loving certainly helps, being a delicate and attentive and helpful person, as *kindness can be rewarded with kindness, even in dating*, within the limits of not going to unreasonable extremes where you have to suffer for helping her.
*Being polite by formulating your words very nicely and asking for permission*, "can I come to your place?", "can I do that?", "can I walk with you?", "can I do this?", "do you want me to do that?", or *offering to do things for them without them actually asking*, like taking the trash or doing the small things, can be attractive for it shows common sense and good education.


Helping and being polite shows you're a person with good education, and *quality women with good education also appreciate that*.
Beside showing common sense and good education, *a polite request can make people more likely to say yes to you*. Being polite can soften people and make them agree with your request.
There is a difference between polite and humble, the difference between formulating your words very nicely and begging. You have a sort of "please" in your voice but without begging for it, you're asking for a favor.
When we deal with a person we don't know very well but is of greater age or the meeting is professional, we can be polite and formal.
When we deal with a person that we don't know very well but is of similar age in a casual setting, we can be polite and informal. The more you get to know the person, the less poite and more direct you can be.


When you start talking to a girl, originally, you can be polite and informal, eventually, you will gradually become more open and honest with each other, it takes time to get to have confidence a person and develop a better bond.
Originally, you can be polite and informal saying: "please", "if possible", "would you like to", "thank you", "excuse me if I bother you". Even saying things like "thank you for telling me about that thing" can be appreciated. Or "I was wondering if you could tell me if". It doesn't have to be a dry or unexpressive conversation, but a polite one with decency for start.
As you get closer, you will naturally get less polite, for there are situations were being "too polite" is inappropriate. For example: Your best friend does not expect you to be overly polite.
Being polite and humble will make people feel warmer around you. But you don't have to be formal like in a job interview, you can be polite and informal, in a relaxed, friendly and unofficial style.


People usually unconsicously think "how do I know this person? is it a stranger? do I know him from an official position or something like that? and aquaintance?" or "what is my relationship towards this person? are we warm and close or not and just barely know each other?" when deciding the right attitude to have with that person.
You have probably noticed that you are not the same person with your family, teacher, friends, lovers, aquaintances, relatives, etc; and we all are like that, with everyone, because we have different social roles.
Different social expectations in different social enviroments. Usually the way you behave in a new environment is you mirror the other person who has the same role as you.

*VII. Bad Boys*

You can be a nice guy with a hint of bad boy and also desperate about her. Desperate in the sense of *in love and very carring and attentive towards her*.

*Someone once told me that the woman will always try to test your limits*, to find your limits. So that she can make you her dog, so that she can see how long she can keep it up until you say "stop". If you're a man or if you aren't. "Are we doing how I am saying?", *until you say "stop, no, we are no doing how you are saying"*. A man has to have authority, *to say his point of view, but without insults or beating and so on*. And that so that a man can be in love with a woman, he has to stay more after her, at least one month, *for the woman to be a bit hard to get, not to be so easy to get*.

*You can also be indirect not towards the other person, but towards other people around you in general, to be discrete in your romantic dealings*, to make advances but not on the face where only the person that you make advances towards knows what is about.

Like, *trying to get physically closer to her, touching her etc, buying her a drink or something*, giving her a place to sit next to you, asking her "can I come with you?" so you can have some time with her, etc. Being indirect towards other people while making advances towards the person you're attracted towards.

You don't need to be a bad boy, you just need not to be a wuss, chicken, dummy, beta, you get the slang. *Someone who, if a woman would make advances towards him, would not know what to do*, or would be afraid to also make the advances himself.

Why is it important to also have a hint of bad boy? *If you’re spending a ton of time wondering how to get girls to simply like you, you’re probably focusing on the wrong thing*. Because if a girl only likes you, she'll be polite to you, she'll be nice to you (maybe), she'll put you in the friend zone, and she will not sleep with you. Here’s the bottom line: *The actions you take to make a girl like you are completely opposite to the actions you need to take to make her deeply attracted to you*.

Attractive girls have lots and lots of choices, and they’re not daydreaming about the “average nice guy” just like you’re not dreaming about the 5’s and 6’s. Hot girls know they can do better. Your goal shouldn’t be for a girl to simply see you as the average nice guy that she “likes”. *Your goal should be to make her intensely attracted to you*.

She has to see you as a 9 or a 10, and not just a “nice guy” 5 or 6. So stop wondering how to get your crush to like you, and read on to *figure out how to get the girl you like to truly want you*.

*Some nice guys are fakes. In fact, some nice guys are usually anything but nice*. Your “nice guy” attitude is just a coping mechanism for reality being just too harsh. *You’re nice because you can’t get away with not being nice*.

When you’re nice you are nothing but a doormat to women. And women, especially hot ones, can spot a fake nice guy from miles away. *By being nice you show her that you’ve gotten bad social reactions in the past from not being nice and that you’re not strong enough to deal with the social blowback*. So the only option left for you is to act nicely so you don’t get picked on or abused.

You’re basically saying to women that you’re a beta male that’s too afraid to be polarizing. *A guy that’s too afraid to say what he really thinks. Not to mention be who he really is*.

Women don't like nice guys because that's what most men are to them. Those same girls can see straight through that “nice guy” facade and it sickens them. So they want something different, *they crave a ballsy, unique, high value guy that can spark their emotions and make them feel things*. That's the key word, feel things, for attraction is a feeling.

Okay, so what makes a man attractive to hot women? To get a girl attracted to you, you need to do things that might potentially make her hate you. *Women love men who take risks but are still like they know what they're doing*.

*Women madly love men who take risks, who are resilient, strong, and decisive. They love men who are leaders*. These are the traits of alpha males.

*An attractive man takes risks. Attractive alpha males play to win, and when you play to win you will have to take some risks*. To get the girl to want you, maybe even chase you, you will have to risk losing her as well.

*The fact that you take risks tells her that you’ve gotten good social feedback out of those actions in the past, and even if you’ve gotten rejection it says that you are strong enough to handle it*. And those are behaviors of a high-value man, those are the traits that show her that you’re the alpha male that she wants.

What do women want? Women want both the man with the best possible genes (strong, resilient, decisive, able to take risks and still be like they know what they're doing) and the man who will stick around and raise their kids (caring, nurturing, empathic, real, sensitive).

*You need to be a nice guy with a hint to bad guy*, or a bad guy with a hint of nice guy. You need to have a combination of both. To be able to be on both sides. Both the sensitive and the warrior. Both the diplomant and the stand up for himselfer. The nice because he perfers and the can get away without being nice, the can be not nice if required, and sometimes is not nice. *The risk taker and the protector*, the guy who will stand up for himself, because then you will also stand up for her. The nurturing who is contlict avoidant but is okay with a conflict if there is no other choice. Comfortable with conflict. Like that Sting song "Confront your enemies, avoid them when you can, a genlteman will walk but never run". *Someone who can show depths of feelings but also someone who can be a bit mean at times* and is not afraid of negative social feedback.

Your mindset should never be: "How do I get her to like me?" because if that’s your mindset, you’re going to play it safe, you’re not going to take any risks. The goal is to knock her socks off, the goal is to be amazing, the goal is to play to win, rather than to play to not lose.

*VIII. Full Niceness vs Occasional Niceness*

You know when a girl says: *"You know when you like a guy, and then he's mean to you, but then like you're confused and then he's nice to you and then and then"* and she's getting all wrapped up and all emotional about this thing.

That actually really hits the point which is that *women don't dislike nice behavior and they don't even dislike nice guys*, they dislike guys who know only one coping strategy which is to be nice. *They don't like guys that have no choice but to be nice*. *Guys who can't be anything else but nice*.

*Take for example a teacher:* You have teacher A that gives everybody an A, and teacher B that gives everybody a C but you get a B in his class. How do you feel about teacher A? he's nice, but he's kind of generic, he's kind of there. How do you feel about teacher B? You feel amazing, you got a B at this teacher that gives everybody bad grades. He actually treated you less nicely but you appreciate it more because you had to work for it.

If a guy is nice all the time, *the girl will feel like he's nice because that's the only way he knows to get through the world*, he's nice because he's afraid that if he's not nice he'll get negative social feedback. She may not dislike him, but just like teacher A she won't think much of him, he's just there.

*On the other hand, if you're generally nice but you show that you can get through life without being nice, you occasionally stand up and speak your mind, you occasionally say something a little mean or rude and you stand up for yourself*, now every single time you are nice it's not taken with a grain of salt anymore, it's actually seen as real, because you had times when you were not nice.

It's actually trusted because the person knows absolutely you can get through life without using that as a coping strategy. She knows you're capable of not being nice so your niceness is not just taken as some meaningless gesture, it's taken as it must actually be real.

*The ironic thing is this: You can actually be nicer by occasionally being a jerk. If you occasionally are not nice, your niceness has more value*. And overall you can give more niceness to a person. Be the guy who stands up for himself, the guy who genuinely does what he thinks is right but has good intentions for her.

And that's the type of nice guy you want to be. *A nice guy with a hint of bad boy*. A nice guy who can be a little mean at times. *A nice guy who can get away with not being nice*.

*The issue is not the nice behavior, it's where they think the nice behavior is coming from that makes it a problem*.

Let's talk about this in practice: have you ever had girls that liked you and at the same time girls that you liked but they didn't like you? The reason for that is that you started acting differently around the latter. You started acting differently around them, you started acting quite frankly weird around them. Going out of your way to be around them, going out of your way to agree with them, going out of your way to have similarities with them.

And also, not be willing to take risks, not be willing to say or do things that offend them. And so, even if they tolerate you politely or think you are like a nice guy, there was no validation associated there. They knew they had so, so why would they work for you, why would they chase you? And really, in terms of attraction you want to get the girls chasing you.

*On the other hand, with the girls you're not attracted to, you can just tell it like it is. If they say something dumb you can just tell them it was dumb*. If there was a controversial opinion you would express it, just express it and wouldn't worry if you'd be judged, you wouldn't worry if they agreed with it. And so those girls really liked you, those girls really got attracted to you.

The same is true with compliments, *if you only compliment some of the time, and are willing to be honest about how a certain thing looks like, when you're complimenting it's actually valued more because you're being honest*. Your compliment is not taken with a grain of salt because you were not complimenting so many times.

If you compliment her, compliment something distinct about her, something specfic about her rather than a generic compliment, that will take notice and will be appreciated.

*The guy who stands up for himself, the guy who is honest about what he likes and dislikes, even what he likes and dislikes about her dress, or how her hair is like right now, even willing to state a controversial political opinion and genuinely does what he thinks is right but has good intentions for her.* So nice behavior are not inherently bad, but if all you have is nice behaviors, you're boring, you look pathetic, and ironically: you're going to be perceived as less nice and less trusted than someone who is occasionally nice.

You will be perceived as having an agenda if you are too nice. So get away from that, be your honest self. Put it out there. If you honestly disagree with the girl, say it. If you honestly want to tease the girl, take that risk. *Occasionally, yes you will offend the girl with your teasing, more often than not though: she'll respect you for it, she'll appreciate it and she'll get much more attracted to you as a ressult.* Honesty is appreciated because it's rare, we like people who tell us things like it is because we can trust it, you don't have to tell it in a jerkish way, but you can disagree respectfully.

As I said previously, *you need to be a nice guy with a hint to bad guy*, or a bad guy with a hint of nice guy. You need to have a combination of both. To be able to be on both sides. Both the sensitive and the warrior. Both the diplomant and the stand up for himselfer. The nice because he perfers and the can get away without being nice, the can be not nice if required, and sometimes is not nice. *The risk taker and the protector*, the guy who will stand up for himself, because then you will also stand up for her. The nurturing who is contlict avoidant but is okay with a conflict if there is no other choice. Comfortable with conflict. Like that Sting song "Confront your enemies, avoid them when you can, a genlteman will walk but never run". *Someone who can show depths of feelings but also someone who can be a bit mean at times* and is not afraid of negative social feedback.

*IX How to be funny? how to be engaging? how to be entertaining?*

Obviously, jokes are an important part of having fun with each other. *The more fun she has the better she feels and the more likely she is to say yes to you, to accept your requests for a date or other things*. There was saying "if you want her to like you, make her laugh", that's the short way to put it.

*You can do any kind of joke, everything is okay as long as you two laugh and have a good time*. It's important to be able to be each other around each other, to be able to express yourselves, to not feel restricted or controlled, for this someone has to make the first step, a small step, and maybe the other will follow, when he does, keep going and so on.

*You can make any kind of jokes: self-humor as in dissing yourself in a fun way with a tone that gives it away that I'm joking*, absurdity as in making fun of things that make no sense, sarcasm as in implying the opposite of what is obvious.

*Some girls like to be made fun of, to have a bit of negative emotional spikes in the conversation as well*. If you want to tease them, make sure you already are familiar enough with each other when you do and keep it respectful, do not be offensive, *you can be touchy and stingy but not offensive. It's very important to be funny not insulting*.

In teasing, *you make fun of something is not so deranging*. But you do push some bundaries, you give some negative spikes. And you create some challenge there. You say something they don't like, but it's not bad enough to be offensive. And you can even "cover it up" with good behavior, compliments or self-humor, dissing yourself so they know it's a joke.

How far you can go? well you can say: "look, even animals run away from you" (making fun that they aren't liked), "don't worry about failing in life, you can always work as a janitor" (making fun that they are not good enough). Or if they are right about something: "even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in a while" (making fun that they are often wrong), "you are such a backstabber, I expected more from you" or "I knew I shouldn't trust you" (making fun that they aren't trustworthy) with the light tonality that gives it away that it's a joke. Or use their own words against them, change the narrative (turn something good for them or bad for you, in something good for you or bad for them). When someone challenges you, you need to learn to give good replies so that you win the talk fight, to have good comebacks. Not because it's a competition, but because it makes everything more fun.

You can say: "you're so skinny that if someone tries to shoot me and you stand in front of me, I get shot and you don't" (making fun that they are slim), or "you look like a zombie" (if they have something on their face or are very tired, don't say this about their general face, that's offensive, it's not making fun of their looks, it's temporray looks), or "I literally grew a beard waiting for you" (making fun that they take long to prepare),

*Making scare jokes can be a form of teasing*. Teasing can also *imply pushing some boundaries: "you can stop [doing something inconvenient] now, it's okay", "but you didn't stay for [something else]"*, so you push some boundaries, but you have to *make sure the other person is cool with it based on their tone and general attitude*. If they laugh when saying "you can stop [doing something inconvenient] now, it's okay" it means they are going with the joke, if they are serious do actually stop. Most of communication is non-verbal.

You can also tease by *exaggerating various things about them or the enviroment*. For example, if they are very cold you can say: "we are here in Siberia, there is no show yet but it's very cold, as you can see (making fun of them for being cold), keep freeing, we are going to equip ourselves for this very cold weather [gives her your jacket]" (still caring about her at the end). *And she says "goodbye" or "leave me alone" but laughs, keep doing it*, you push some boundaries and show defiance but it's actually in good spirit because she laughs. As I said, most of communication is non-verbal.

Or if it's raining outside and they are very wet, you can say "how are you doing [her name], are you coming here again? / do you want to come here again? / do you like it here?" (making for of them because clearly they don't enjoy the experience and won't want to come there again) and now she could banter by teasing you back "no, not with you" (making it personal) and you can reply "but it's my fault that it started raining?" (denying that it's personal). And then be like "go, go, go". *Just say what you think and see what it comes to mind, find your style and see what works best with it*. If you have an opinion about something, say what it comes to mind, as restricting yourself too much might actually be the reason why you can't pull it off and are closed up in yourself.

You can also tease them by challenging them. Like *literally challenging them to a game to decide which person is going to do or not do a certain thing* you don't want. Or by *pretending to give them something then slowly pull it off away*.

Or sarcastically say "thank you for the support" (clearly you don't appreciate it) when it's clearly not the case, and if they tell that to you "always, you know that you can always count on me", "I appreciate it" (again, clearly meaning the opposite of what you say).

Or you can roleplay by continuing the tease pretending to be upset like "no, you are like that", "you have block" (pretending to be upset). Or twist their words into something negative for them/positive for you leading to a back and forth exchange: "will you buy it for me?", "buy it and I will pay it for you when I remember" (pretending to trick them into buying it).

Someone once said *"my love language is telling jokes at your expense that are so progressively more inappropiate until I cross a line and have to apologize"*, so don't worry about being too offensive, worry about being not entertaining or engaging enough, worry about being boring. And also have moments of realness, of being honest, of speaking from the heart, of seeking closure and telling how you feel.

*If it helps, look at them as if they are a little kid*. And don't be afraid to push some boundaries. You make fun of a trait that is not that bothersome. Find your style. And see what works best with it. Friends tease each other, brothers tease each other, lovers tease each other, it's all in good fun.

In spite of it's on the face "harsh treatment", teasing is actaully a form of showing affection. You can only tease people that you are very familar with, people you are close to and can afford it. Teasing is also a way of saying "I like you" but in an indirect way. *It's a bit sneaky, not on the face*, but that's the general rule, *when someone makes fun of you, that person likes you*.

What if nothing comes to mind? *If nothing comes to mind then say nothing, don't tease*. There are some things in life, where the more you force it, the less natural you are, the less of you than you can be and the more hidden you become, the more of wearing a mask and not enjoying yourself.

There are also situations where the more you struggle the less able you are to find the right answer. *Situation where the right answer is to just relax even if it seems counter-intuitive or more difficult to do than say*.

*I think these both apply for banter, the more you force it and the more you struggle the less you will be able to find the right answer. Let the idea come to you instead, don't force it*. If it comes, and you deem it appropiate, go for it, if it doesn't come, just have a laugh, laugh at yourself, laugh at the jokes made at your expense. This will signal people that you don't take these jokes too seriously and that you are someone they can joke with.

Additionally, you can even exaggerate the joke about yourself, make it even worse than it originally was. By not taking the joke seriously, you defuse it's power and turn the people from laughing at you to laughing with you, and if you can't think of something just laugh. This is much easier if you interpret positive intent in bantering rather than negative intent.

*Also, most teasing is situational*. It depends on the situation and the circumsntaces. *Most of the things you can make fun of depend on the context and you cannot generalize them, it's usually by exaggerating things about them*. And when it comes to delivery, exaggerate the tone, make it more sharp to communicate that you are joking.

To judge the appropiateness of a tease, consider the social context, the social roles that you have and whether you are at least acquaintances as well as the severity of the joke. If you can afford or can't afford it, since you can't afford to make downplaying jokes with everyone, you need to be at least acquaintances and of equal social status or roles.

You can't make fun of your teacher. And you can't make fun of a person you've just met. As a teacher, you can make fun of your students, but the other way around you can't really afford it. You can't make fun of the teacher you've just met. Without coming across as a jerk.

And you also have to keep in mind that with girls you should be more delicate and limit the severity of the joke. With the boys you can joke about almost everything, it's fair game. With girls, you need to show a certain circumspection. Don't make severe jokes, make jokes about something that's temporary, that is true but they don't care about or that is clearly not true.

*When I think of humor, I think of something exaggerated, weird, absurd, something that makes no sense*, that's why it's funny, because it makes no sense. Or because it reminds you of something funny, a stereotype.

Just view the world in a funny way, and ideas will come. Teasing is simply taking a flaw or misbehavior and exaggerating it. Looking at the world in a funny way. As I said previously, It's important to be able to be each other around each other, to be able to express yourselves, to not feel restricted or controlled, for this someone has to make the first step, a small step, and maybe the other will follow, when he does, keep going and so on.

As a final note in this, some "rules" for teasing right:

- *Start out small with very light, innocent teasing and see how they respond*. Do they think it's funny? Try something small and see if you get a positive response before saying anything more bold.

- *It's important to have a balance between the teasing. It can't be the only thing you do*. More importantly, it doesn't work if you're the only one making fun of the other person in the relationship. The point is the other person getting back at you, it doesn't have to be right away, but just striving for some equality is important. If the person usually has a positive response but rarely takes the initiative to tease you, you can occasionally make fun of yourself instead to balance it a bit.

- *A lot of humor in teasing is being creative instead of just making fun of the person*. Make a specific joke! For example, instead of saying your friend sucks at _some sport_, make a comparison that _something/someone that clearly can't play well_ would do a better job.

- Balance it by making up for the "mean" behavior by going out of your way to be friendly. Give genuine compliments, and try to have moments where you lift the other person up, instead of being just a "regular" friendly person. Give the person meaningful memories of you being nice as well. You don't have to do this constantly, but balance out your "good" and "bad" behavior.

But most importantly, it is impossible to craft the perfect theoretical formula that you then can apply to any situation. *It all comes down to trial and error*. Every relationship is going to be different in how much teasing/banter is part of it, and how much the other person enjoys that humor.

If you're unsure about your behavior being offensive or not, *instead of overthinking it's better to just ask the person afterwards* (Hey, how do you feel about me making jokes about _thing_ ?).

*Usually, when you have a good attutide for laughter you will find jokes and teasing material on the get-to without thinking about it*, when you don't have a good attitude and don't feel like it just don't do it. And since most of teasing is situational, you cannot make a general rule around it, I gave some examples as a guiding principle above but you got to find your own style and see what works best with you. Teasing is not about being miserable or insulting to people, it's about downplaying them in a funny way, a "hey, you're doing bad!" with a laughter on your face. Things like implying a lack of importance for them are okay. Just remember that you can make them feel amused and a little bit touchy or stingy at the same time, downplaying them, it's about creating those negative emotional spikes.

*We remember things that are surprising out of the ordinary, emotional spikes if you may*. That's why things such as talking about what she likes, smiling and laughing, goofy humor, helping her, showing her that you're being there for her or being romantic work. They cause very positive emotional spikes. If you do something on the extreme positive emotional spike, it will be remembered.

*If you do something on the extreme negative spike, down below the normal threshold it will also be remembered. But that's not always a bad thing*. Yes, if you are remembered for being cruel with others, lacking empathy for the suffering of others or lacking a moral code and completely disconsidering other people, that is bad. Being remembered for not being nice is bad, don't be that. All those "nice guys finish last" vs "bad boys get the girls" are superficial ways of looking at things that ignore a lot of details, both about the men, who need to be nice but have to have other qualities to make them attractive as well, and women who are not all interested in a brute or a strongman or a bodyguard, but a partner, which is why it's essential to be nice. *However, you can create the good type of extreme negative spike by: giving your honest opinion, teasing, not texting daily*.

*People look forward to enjoyable conversations, not just any kind of conversations, which implies talking about interesting things*, open-ended discussions, storytelling about something funny and such, but also things like making fun of each other like teasing or nagging.

Find out what she's into that you could also be into, *people love to talk about subjects that fascinate them*.

Keeping in touch with the *"girls like guys who are real as in honest and high value but capable of being nice"* and *"if you show that you can get through life without being nice, now every single time you are nice it's not taken with a grain of salt anymore, it's actually seen as real, because you had times when you were not nice."* or *"if you only compliment some of the time, and are willing to be honest about how a certain thing looks like, when you're complimenting it's actually valued more because you're being honest. Your compliment is not taken with a grain of salt because you were not complimenting so many times"*, thematics from above, in order to make someone attracted to you, you have to make them feel either out of the ordinary negative and positive.

*People have all sorts of emotions during the day*, most of which are neutral, and we usually don't remember most events on days from our lives, but *we remember those that were incredibly negative or positive*. The same is true with people, we remember those that made us experience out of the ordinary negative or positive experiences.

You know, make a fun and pleasant conversation with that person revolved around laughing with each other.

*X The Approach and Subjects

So you start with 3 choices:* be direct, use the pretext of a commonality or use the pretext of asking for help. In the 1st case, it depends a lot on the location, in a library you probably have to talk about books while in a club you can talk about how hot your are or that I have noticed you. In the 2nd case you tell her that you saw her there and talk about that thing you have in common. In the 3rd case, you find a pretext to talk to her such as asking for help, and next time just ask her how is she doing.

*Then you go to basic talk:* weather, arts, entertainment, sports, family, food, work, school, travel, celebrity gossip, hobbies, hometown. It's also okay to have moments of silence and feel comfortable in the silence, even make fun of silence. Additionally, find similar interests, have you tried anything she's interested in? communication is key in any relationship. Things aren't complicated, we overcomplicate them out of fear or desire to make everything perfect. The most important thing in a relationship is communcation, when you have a problem to say it, not to keep it buckled up in yourself.

*Then when you are more familiar with each other and in touch for a bit, you can shift to big talk*, to talk about the deeper concepts of life: money, poverty, justice, fairness, happiness, motivation, desire, knowledge, communication. And as you get to know her and she gets to know you on these issues, you'll both get a better idea of who the other person is. By, you know, just talking about life in general.

*And then you can talk about personal issues,* if you have already talked about the deeper concepts of life in general she already knows you enough to trust whatever is she dealing with, so you can talk about: struggles, failures, fears, doubts, insecurities, regrets, worries. And when you are on the receiving end of these issues, respond with warmth and reassurance. There is a mutual feeling of trust in those scenarios. That is how you emotionally connect with people, understand their struggles and seek to comfort them. And being on their side, not necessarliy always giving advice, but just listening.

*Have deep discussions*. About life: money, how we need money, etc. You can even start a random topic, just like that. Religion, about religion. People, their goal, their purpose, their happiness. What makes someone happy. Most of these discussions involve a bit of sadness and introspection. And also talking with the other person, having a conversation, not just spewing your ideas. You have to like/love someone before you want to connect. But you can also show you're someone worth connecting with. What about love? what is love? what about love for a stranger, or a begger, or a fellow human?

*XI How to make people feel comfortable with you?

How do you create comfort with people? Through having as many situations as possible together*.

*The more contexts of you and her together, the better for you and the more familiar she will feel to you*. The more things you do together, the more emotions and the more subjects of discussion, the more places in real life when you meet, this is exactly what leads to that feeling of "I know him for a long time" of familiarity, "I feel comfortable with him", "I have confidence in him", "he got under my skin".

*Be lighthearted, this will make them feel comfortable around you*. A person that others can pull up the laces with, that others can afford familiarities with. A person that doesn't judge and shows that doesn't judge. I don't recommend doing it at a job or in a formal setting, but outside the job in a group of friends on when you're talking one-on-one, you can pull up the laces with with them and talk to them as equals. Being lighthearted makes people more comfortable around you, knowing that they are free to be themselves around you, it also shows that you are in good relations, that you're at least a good friend, for you can't afford familiarities with everybody.

*Be the kind of person that you can talk anything with, that people can feel they can talk anything with, that is non-judgmental and your first reaction is of support*. The kind of person that people can feel free to share what is bothering them with, for they know you will support them and won't invalidate their feelings, telling them they are not supposed to feel a certain way, whatever they are feeling, they are right. The real question is what are you doing from there, or whether they are looking just for comfort or a solution to their problem. Sometimes people don't want a solution, they just want emotional support. If you show that you won't agree with certain behaviors, they won't upen up themselves to you out of fear or being rejected or parented, given a lesson when they are most vulnerable.

*You can talk about absolutely anything with a woman, it matters at lot more how you say it than what you say*. You can open various topic of discussions, it doesn't have to make sense or follow a well established logic, the more emotions the better, you can have simulatenous topics, not take one topic at a time.

*XII How to have good conversations?

Find a subject that interests them and they will love talking about that subject. It's a good idea to ask them what they are interested in / excited about / working towards*, but at the same time you will probably want to avoid turning a discussion in an interview.

*A discussion has a goal sort of, you are talking towards something*, trying to discover something, or you/he are looking for advice on something, or you/he are simply sharing opinions about something. When you ask him about something he's interested in and excited about, and he gives his opinion, you should give your opinion too based on what he said. And continue the conversation there like that based on *opinions* about what he said.

You don't have to be the cool gal that everyone wants to hang out with to have a conversation. Although *a chill and carefree attitude is a bonus because it makes the other person feel more comfortable*.

Rather than thinking about what to say, *just say what comes to your mind, give your opinion about the current subject at hand*, as long as the subject is something he is interested in or excited about, you won't bore her.

*Simply start a normal discussion, a discussion you would have with anyone else that you don't know*: how are you doing? where are you from? then you can look around and find things that you can use to make conversation: she has a certain backpack which shows you she's a student, she has a certain key ring that shows you she visited some place, and so on. While you ask her about stuff like that, you also talk about yourself, what opinions you have about stuff like that and whether you have been there. *If you really have no idea, you can always talk about music or movies, these are basic*.

*You don't need to be a pick-up artist or do magic tricks, just make her feel comfortable*. You don't have to invite her out from the first conversations, but you have to eventually ask for her number or Facebook so this won't be the last conversation, talk, get to know each other, anyway, it's not a job interview, you can make ironies, non-serious words where you make fun of the other person without them realizing it. It depends on the way you are. *And at a certain time, when you feel comfortable with one another, you ask her whether she wants to go out for a drink or coffe*.

I don't know whether this is the best approach, it's not the only method or one set in stone, but I think *it's important to find your style*. *Let's assume you can learn to be a be a pick-up artist or do magic tricks to invite girls out, and then you find out that you take out girls that you have no connection with, or that this type of approach is not your style*.

*If a girl doesn't feel comfortable next to a guy she will most likely say no*, don't ask for a date when you are a complete stranger, how comfortable would she feel?

*Character matters*. Good women like polite and respectful men with sensitivity and a gentle soul. The type of men who would feel mercy for a stray cat.

*Personality matters*. To have a friendly and nurturing attitude that would lift people up, to be social and laugh and smile. But nothing over the top, don't force yourself, make it genuine, if it isn't, just don't be sad. Attitude is contagious, it can either make people feel energized or downed, depending on the attitude of those around them. We transfer and adopt attitudes. It's important that you both feel good with each other. I don't think there is a set in stone formula for personality, people need to be compatible, to have certain traits and things in common. But I think a personality that makes people around you feel good or entertained can make you more wannable.

*Look for the tells*. You can probably notice in the other person's behavior whether they are trying to hit on you or are not interested. You can drop small hints of compliments or going out to see whether the other person's reaction is laughter, smile, acknowledgement or they simply ignores it or denies it, but without making it clear you like them. People light up when they talk about subjects that fascinate them or someone they like.

*Don't appreciate women only for their looks*. Women being loved for they looks is the equivalent of men being loved for their money. Sure, they would appreciate being liked for their looks, but that's not enough. They want to be loved for the person they are, not for the body they have. They want to be loved for their soul, for themselves. They want a deep connection, not a superficial one based on looks. Have moments of realness, of being honest, of speaking from the heart, of seeking closure and telling how you feel.

*Show them you like them*. Since you are the man, I think you have to show you like them in the first place. You have to make the first step and go talk to them. Get to know them a bit, talk to them about them. You can talk about her or her interests, movies, school, work, friends, opinion on current events, etc. You can also describe your own interests in the process and so on.

*Make sure your jokes are appropiate*. They are light jokes that either make fun of nobody or of someone but very lightly. Try to shoot with blind bullets, that's making fun of things that are clearly false or things that are true but she doesn't care about, such as joking about a 50 kg woman that she is very fat, with the tonality that gives it away that it's a joke, or joking about her being slow if she doesn't care about how fast she is. Depending on how close you are and what you can afford with each other, it's okay if they are a bit upset after a joke, if they feel attacked, the problem is not to make the joke insulting or offensive. Being a bad cook when you clearly enjoy eating what she cooked, making fun that you are better at a certain task, and so on, it's a bit of nagging. Make fun in the limit of decency.

*Starting off as friends can lead to a more honest relationship*. You have less expectations and less judgements and it helps you understand the other person better. One way to engage with a girl without making everything about a relationship is to genuinely ask her for help with something. If she's a helpful person, she helps you, you say thanks without any hint of a relationship, even if it has nothing to do with going on a date, you talked to her and now she knows you a bit more. There's a lot less pressure if she gets to know you a bit before you ask her for a date. As pointed out above, you can probably notice in her behavior whether she is trying to hit on you or is not interested. You can drop small hints of compliments or going out to see whether her reaction is laughter, smile, acknowledgement or she simply ignores it or denies it, but without making it clear that you like her.

*Make a fun and pleasant conversation with that person, talk about things you both enjoy*. Find out what she's into that you could also be into, people love to talk about subjects that fascinate them. You can talk about her or her interests: movies, school, work, friends, opinion on current events, etc. You can also describe your own interests in the process and so on. After you talked with her for a while, ask her for a date.

*If she says yes, great. If she says no, it's okay, get over it*. Some women want men to keep trying to see if they are dedicated enough, to see if they love them enough, it's a test. But others don't, it's up to you to pick up the social clue. If you're uncertain it's work still keep trying, but if she makes it clear it's a no or doesn't reply then it was a genuine no the first time, it's okay, get over it, you will find someone else you like.

*Dating involves a bit of risk, but it's better to go for it*. Dating involves the risk of being rejected, but a great mindset for "what if she rejects me?" is: what if she does? at least I tried. It's better than not trying. *Better go for it, try and fail or have a nasty experience than never go for it, not try and regret it*. Because you gather memories.

*XIII What if you get stuck in 'interview mode' in conversation?

Don't answer directly when she gives you a question*. Either give more details or delay the answer and open up another conversation topic. For example: *"Tell me about his thing", "I'd love to, first of all, what do you do for a living? I'm actually curious about you as well"*.

*Or you could tease her about it* "wow, you're so inquisitive, you're like that kid that always has their hand in the class and annoys the teacher with a million questions, I'll tell you, but I'm actually curious what do you do for a living?". Now there's all these different things going on in the set, all these different topics you can talk about, you already teased, *you already showed premise a little bit*.

Beside asking her what she's doing, talk about *what you're doing, what are you into, what are you passionate about*, your job, or if you do ask a question follow it up with your story, your values, etc. *Your job in set is to convey your persoanlity. That's what you're trying to do*.

Now, *the assumption is that your personality is an attractive one, and you have to market it as such*. If you think your personality is unattractive and act like it's unattractive, even say that your personality is unattractive, well, she can only agree with you, so why are we even here? *so you have to think that your personality is an attractive one and market it as such*. She might disagree, but if you market it as unattractive and she agrees it's the same thing. At least here you have a chance that you market your personality as attractive and she agrees. It's a lot more likely than the other way around, you thinking of yourself as unattractive and she disagreeing.

But you have to convey your personality because *if she doesn't know who you are, she can't get attracted to you, because there's no you to get attracted to. Makes sense?* If you're just a string of questions, random questions, what is she interacting with? an interview machine?

If you ask questions, ask questions in a way that converys your personality: *if she works in a hotel industry, you could ask "why would you go into an industry where people yell at you and are upset with you all the time?"*. And also frame it positively, *"you seem like a pretty competent capable person, why the hotel industry of all the things you could have done?"*.

*When you're talking about different topics there's levels to it. Talking about random things is very not intimate, that's the least intimate*. Talking about yourself is fairly not initmate because it's not a big deal for her, there's no debate in it, telling stories about yourself. Talking about her tends to be a little more intimate. What you'd really like to be talking about is you and her together, and that's the most intimate. *It's: random, I, you, we*.

*So what you want to do is shift the topics to more intimate ones, and an easy way to do that is by teasing*. Because *teasers are fun and light-hearted and you're just kidding*, so it's a safe way of introducting those more intimate topics.

How of creating attraction is through normal conversation, how can you get better at this an connecting with people in general? *In conversation, probably the most common mistake guys make when talking to girls is that they stop being themselves, stop being enjoying the converation*, paying attention and actually being in the conversation they're in, and they start thinking too much outside the conversation.

Probably the most important thing you can do in a conversation is stop trying to think of what to say in the future, stop trying to think of where to take this, etc. *And mostly, just be present in the conversation. Mostly, pay attention to the girl, and really key off off what they're doing*.

*Trust and believe that who you are has value to offer to the conversation. If you fundamentally don't believe that, if you fundamentally think that you're taking value from the conversation, it's going to come off that that's the case*, the other person is going to catch that vibe, and also, you're going to be constantly censoring and monitoring yourself and you're going to find yourself locked up and not having a lot to say.

So the first thing you can do in a conversation is understand that *it's actually an interplay, it's an exchange of ideas and exchange of thoughts between you and another person or other people*, and so you need to be paying attention to them.

*If you're self-centered in the conversation, you're going to be missing things, you're not going to come off as charismatic*, you're not going to be very relateable. 

The natural instinct you should avoid, getting to self-centered in your own conversation, most people are self-centered in their conversation, most people are caught up in: their own insecurities, their own thoughts, their own little world and are barely paying attention to anybody else.

*If you're the person that is actually paying attention to them, and understanding them, and showing that, showing that you care*. They're going to relate a lot more to you than they would to someone who seems oblivious to them. Because they are the most relevant thing going on.

*Find out who this person is, value this person, become truly interested in this person*. Explore her personality to discover who she is. When you're talking to a girl, find a couple distinctive things about her that are reasons why you like her.

Because that's going to show: *you paid attention, you valued her and is also going to make her feel like she earned your attention in some way*. You make her feel that she has earned your attention because of who she is, what she values, what she is intersted about. You wouldn't just give it to any girl just because she's hot.

And as I said previously, *have deep discussions*. About life: money, how we need money, etc. You can even start a random topic, just like that. Religion, talking about religion. About people, their goal, their purpose, their happiness, what makes someone happy. Most of these discussions involve a bit of sadness and introspection. And also talking with the other person, having a conversation, not just spewing your ideas.

*It's about connecting with people, getting to know them on a deeper level*. You have to like/love someone before you want to connect. But you can also show you're someone worth connecting with. What about love? what is love? what about love for a stranger, or a begger, or a fellow human? You can even start them by making a statement "you know, I think human beings.." or directly ask a question "what do you think about religion?".

What would you do if you only had 3 days to live or a month? Most of these involve a "doomsday" approach, since generally they revolve around what is wrong with the world, but it's also fascinating to have a meaningful discussion like that if you find someone who is into it. And yes, even the cliche "what do you think the meaning of life is?". *You will get to know what they think like, how they see life on a deeper level, and they will see the same for you*.

*The second thing is breaing report, you want to break report a little bit in romantic conversation*, because you want to establish not only that you're having a fun conversation, but a certain relationship dynamic.

Now, *you have to remind a little bit that it's man to woman, and it helps to tease her a little bit because that's a certain type of communication that is very affactive in a man to woman context*.

*Problem is, most guys try to lead with narrative. They try to go straight in and be like "hey, let's connect". And the girl is like "who are you? why do I want to connect with you?"*. You need to actually get her attention in some way, let her know that you exist as a man.

*Girls have lot of male suitors, if you go up to a girl and are like "hey, let's connect!" she's like "no thanks, I have plenty of guys trying to connect with me, I don't need more of that"*. But once you set yourself apart in some way, now she wants that, and now you can create that connection.

*You already know you need to take risks, to be strong and resilient, and to lead the interaction. But how do you actually do that in real life? By escalating the interaction.* Anything that gets the girl in a fun, crazy, playful, naughty and adventurous mood works. 

How do you smoothly introduce these topics into a conversation? *For example, you can ask her: Do you have any tattoos or piercings?* How old were you when you had your first drink/kiss? What is the most trouble you got into in high school? What’s the craziest thing you’ve done in the past year? Basically asking anything that’s a little bit naughty, but not sexually explicit works.

And the best part is: You’re going to get her talking about naughty topics. And if she’s enjoying the interaction she’s going to ask you questions that are even more intimate and sexual. Every time that happens you’ll get the chance to take it a step further, and little by little you’ll be explicitly talking about sleeping together.

*You don’t want to be liked, you want to be loved, remember?* A very simple, non-risky way to talk about sexy topics is by using quotes from other people. That way you’re distancing yourself from the topic but it’s still in the conversation.

*XIV Other Useful Information

Approach her indirectly, if you're too direct early on, you risk creating a ressistance that will never be lowered*. Once she is aware of your presence, don't be much too obvious, instead, be hard to figure out.

*Send mixed signals: be tough and tender, spiritual and earthly, innocent and cunning*. A mix of qualities in a person suggests depth, which fascinates even as it confuses.

Make her feel dissatisfied and in need of your attention. But if you are too obvious, she will see through you and grow defensive. *There is no defense however against insinuation*, planting ideas in people's head by dropping elusive hints that take root days later, even appearing to them as an idea, make everything suggestive.

Most people are locked in their own worlds, making them stubborn and hard to persuade. *The way to lure them out is to enter their spirit. Play by their rules, enjoy what they enjoy, adopt yourself to their moods*. In doing so, you will stroke their deep-rooted narcissism and lower their defenses. Indulge her every mood and whim, give her nothing to react against or resist.

*Keep her in suspense, the moment she knows what is coming next your spell on her is broken*. The only way to lead is to create suspense, a calculated surprise. Doing something they do not expect from you will give them a delightful sense of spontaneity, they will not be able to foresee what is coming next.

Flatter and comfort their insecurities. *Make people listen is to say what they want to hear, fill their ears with whatever is pleasant to them*. Flatter them, comfort their insecurities, envelop them in sweet words and promises, and they will not only listen to you, they will lose their will to resist you.

*Pay attention to details and express your love in subtle gestures. The subtle gestures, the offhand things you do, are often more charming and revealing*. Lofty words of love and grand gestures can be suspicious: Why are you trying so hard to please?

*Disarm her through strategic weakness and vulnerability. The best way to cover your tracks is to make the other person feel superior and stronger.* If you seem to be weak, vulnerable, enthralled by the other person, and unable to control yourself you will make your actions look more natural, less calculated. Play the victim, and transform her sympathy into love.

*If you can create the illusion that through you they can live out their dreams, you will have them at your mercy. Aim at the secret wishes that have been thwarted or repressed, strring up uncontrollable emotions*. To compensate for the difficulties in their lives, people spend a lot of time daydreaming, imagining a life full of adventure, success and romance.

*One well-time action that shows how far you are willing to go to win them over will dispel their doubts*. Do not worry about looking foolish or making a mistake, *any kind of deed that is self-sacrificing and for her sake will so overwhelm their emotions, they won't notice anything else*. Most people want to be seduced. If they resist your efforts, it is probably because you have not gone far enough to allay their doubts, about your motives, the depth of your feelings and so on.

*Mix pleasure and pain. Instead of overwhelming her with niceness, try inflicting some pain. Make her feel guilty and insecure. The lower the lows you create, the greater the highs*. Don't be too nice, at first, perhaps, your kindness is charming, but it soon grows monotonous, you are trying too hard to please, and seem insecure.

*Once they are under your spell, take a step back and they will start to come after you. Hint that you are growing bored. Seem interested in someone else*. If she becomes too used to you as the aggressor, she will give less of her own energy and the tension will slacken. You need to wake them up, turn the tables.

*And finally, make the bold move: Don't give her time to consider the consequences, showing hesitation or awkwardness means you are thinking of yourself as opposed to being overwhelmed by her charms. One person must go on the offensive, and it is you*. She clearly desires you, but is not ready to admit it openly, let alone act on it. This is the time to throw chivalry, kindness and coquetry aside and to overwhelm with a bold move.

*XV Sometimes a "no" is a test to see if you like her enough to insist, a test of dedication

When a man makes advances, like saying "can I some and see you tonight?" and the girl responds "it's a big place, maybe we'll see each other some other time", you should still go and visit her*. Given that, you know it's not her house and you're not breaking some private property, but you should still try to go and find her.

Because, girls may test men. *She may test you to see if you insist and if you can make an "yes" out of it*.

But there's a lot of factors involved in dating and in society in general.

For example, there's some certain pride between people, some certain social value justificaiton. Like, a woman saying "at least he married someone uglier than her", especially if she's one of his ex-es.

And people may have insecurities or shame or shyness or lack of courage that leads them to not take certain actions. For example, one of the lovers may consider himself useless, and break up because of this, if he would tell her about this before they wouldn't have breaken up, that he consider himself useless.

But, even after break-up, maybe he still cares about her, he still thinks about her. And I think that's love.

*That is love, love is to care about a person, love is to still think about that person. Like listening to her song long after a break-up*.

*You can't be someone's second option and you can't be with someone that you have doubts with and would rather be with someone else*. Of course, not right away cheating, but you should break up and after a time get with the other person.

*Or if you see him/her unsure about you, you start being unsure about him as well*. Because you start thinking: why should he be unsure towards me? I mean, you always ask: *where are you? what are you doing? what have you ate? with whom you were?

It's also the fact that as a man it's okay to hit on an unknown girl.* If a girl hits on an unknown man, she's a hoe. And there are also resentful people: if a boy is refused by a girl, she was clearly a hoe. Or she was ugly. If a girl is refused by a boy, he was clearly an idiot, or a jerk.

There's also society's expecations that come into play:

*As a woman, you have to be:* delicate, sensitive and feminine. You are seen different, you are not allowed to make mistakes. If you do what a man does you are looked at differently.

*As a man, you have to:* have decency in yourself, know when to intervene and when not to intervene, and to have that drop of masculinity and imposition but without being curde or superior.

*XVI Self-Love?

In spite of all of this, I think love is not necessary for your fulfilment in life. It's a nice to have. You don't have to give up on other goals or other passions for love.* You don't have to give up on the things you love for love, yeah, I know how weird this sounds but you get the point. You can puruse what you want or what you are passionate while also looking for love on the sideline. *And just because you are in a relationship with someone, it doesn't mean you have to cut yourself up from other people, people of the opposite gender included*, you can be in a relationship and talk or be friends to people from the opposite gender, as long as it's just talk and not something else.

*You can have fulfilment in life without love too*. And just because you are with someone, it doesn't mean you have to give up on your passions or other things you love.

In fact, if you aren't happy without love, it's unlikely you'll be happy with love as well. If you don't love yourself because you life is great and you made it that way, it's hard to love others more than you love yourself in a relationship, or accept a love more than you think you deserve.

That's not to say one should abbandon self-improvement. One should strive to become the ultimate man. A self-development goal to become the ultimate man.

This raises questions: how should the ultimate man be like? what are the qualities of a real man? Society added too, it's all the way society wants it, society says it's wrong, all people say it's wrong. *I guess it's personal for everyone, everyone can tell what it means self-improvement in his own terms.*

At a certain age, the job is your priority, so I guess all of that depends on context.

Whatever the self-improvement goal, it should not be one oblivious to the world, it should be about yourself but society added too.

How to become better at communication? *People like to talk about themselves. People like to talk about what they are doing, where they have been and so on*.

I still don't know how to 'touch' people but talking about themselves or talking about something they are interested in is a good place to start.

It's not only about them, or about you towards them. It's also about you. Because you have to be someone worth listening to, someone valueable and interesting. *How to bring value? How to be interesting?* those are good questions. How do you become the person that another person wants to talk to when in a conversation?

*You can start by being friendly and helpful. Just be friendly and helpful*.

*You don't have to be high all the time. You just want to be generally fun. Generally fun to be around, but not high all the time*. You don't need to always laugh and smile and so on, and being around such people can be exhausting. You can be serious and simple at times.

You got to show your value. You got to show your worth. And I don't mean money or clothes or luxury items. *You got to show your heart and your mind. That you are someone they can talk to and someone with a good soul*. Someone they have what to talk about. But also someone with a future, someone who is a capable human being.

I talked before about decency, but decency can mean 2 different things:

To have character in you, to not want to make other people feel bad, or if you see that you do it stop. As long as the other person isn't the aggressor. To not treat other people badly and so on.
But decency also means to follow society's expectations about what you are supposed to be, mostly not to have fingers pointed at you or be laughed at, because nobody likes being judged and we try to avoid it.
Like being a decent memeber of society and being a decent person yourself in general can be 2 completely different things.

I also talked previously about self-development.
*Be a man, ultimate man - to become a person on your own feet*.

*You need a mindset that will give you the most in life*. Perceptions, if your persceptions don't help you, time to change them.

*We are all hyperactive of the opinions of others, some people just don't have the right criterias. Like when you give a public speech presentation, you have to look good, to make a good presentation, to impress, etc*. Or when you post a picture on Facebook, same thing.

*XVII Some more thoughts on humor & people.

To understand humor well, you got to understand social norms well as well as emotional intelligence*, they sort of go hand in hand, because humor is a violation of the social norms and you need emotional intelligence to make sure your jokes are appropate.

*You got be emotionally intelligent. Emotional intelligence is being emotionally aware*. You got to be emotionally aware, to try to understand or at least predict how other people feel.

*While social intelligence is being socially aware. Socially aware, to try to understand or at least predict how different social norms interact with each other*, what are the expectations and required things to do in a certain setting, not only for you. For everyone.

*An entrepreneur once said "If you don't understand people. You don't understand business"*. and he's right, people are a major factor in, well everything.

*Here's an example of unspoken social norms:* People don't want to bother other people. They don't want to upset other people. *They want to make others feel comfortable*. And as such, is a cyrcle like this where nobody tries to bother or upset others and try to make others feel comfortable. And when someone breaks this cycle, or when someone feels too used, it leads to conflict.

*Usually, you don't want to bother people you have no business with*. You don't want to contact them when you don't know them, or when you only know them a little. The less business you have with them the less you want to bother them. But how do you get to actually get in touch with them if that's the case? Through other means, maybe necessity or it just so happens that the two of you meet or one of them takes the initiative to talk anyway despite it being a little awkward since you have no business with each other, stuff like that.

*It also depends on your "roles"* whether it's student to teacher or two people of the same role and same status. As a student, you usually don't want to bother your teacher unless you have something serious to bother him with. As the same role, it's easier for one to take the initiative to talk for the first time even if you have no business with each other. A lot of people are anxious when they talk to someone they haven't talked before or they do something new, but that's no incentive not to do it, go for it. Don't let the fear stop you, you might get experience and learn something from it.

You got to find the style that fits you best. *If you don't feel comfortable with it, it's not your style*, try to find something that works but you also feel comfortable with it. Part of what would make you more physically attractive is to have a sense of style.

*When it comes to behavior, there's a whole field of charisma, being emotionally aware, being socially aware and understanding people in general that you can work on*. And even relationships in general, such as skills for romantic relationships, habbits of succesful relationships, how to increase love in relationships, emotional laws, how to love and be loved, how to select the right relationships. The internet is full of it.

*Have fun together, seek to do fun activities*. See what she likes and mold over that.

Having one of those deep discussions when you talk from the heart also helps.

*The narrative matters to women*. Narrative literally means story. And *that's what the narrative is, is the story of you and the girl*, the idea in her head that what you and her are to each other that makes it special.

In romantic movies, *the idea that these people belong together, they're special*, that's what makes it feel like a win for the girl when you get together.

Narrative makes intuitive sense with a lot of people, because it is what you want with the girl. You see a girl you like, you have a crush on her, you want her, *you want that narrative with you, you want to believe it special*.

For women, it's a bit difficult to be the one who makes the first move or confesses, but I also think it's easy to come across as interested without making the first move or confessing. How to be attractive? *Just smile and laugh to the man you like*. It's not just the smile and laugh, but there was something else too. *Maybe a highlifted attitude with good vibes, that clearly gives them the impression you like them without you having to say a single word*. And a look of superiority above them, in a jokingly way, with non-serious ironic discussions and stuff like that.

*If you do that, I think you'll give a guy an obvious sign you like him*. And if he likes you too, he might feel safe enough to make the first move without you confessing your feelings first.

*Now, this doesn't mean that every friendly interaction between a man and a woman had to do with dating*. You can just smile out of bring polite or out of whatever. Men and women can be friends, and just because you are in a relationship it doesn't mean you aren't allowed to talk to or see other people of the other gender. *One should avoid making a stressful relationship by imposing conditions and expectations on the other person*. Just because you talk or even dance with someone, it doesn't mean that you're dating them, or that they are a potential dating partner.

How to seduce someone? Find a way to met another person's needs in a way that has never been done before. *A gesture that will show you truly care about them and a gesture that would make them feel seen, that they are understand at the core of who they are*. Something very specific about them that you couldn't have done it to someone else.

Sometimes insist, don't take "no" for an answer. Because sometimes, a "no" can be turned into an "yes". *A girl would like to see that you insist, that you are really there for her*.

*Get her to qualify herself to you*. Where she would appreciate the compliment and keep repeating it. You'd say well done she'd do it again. Then you'd jokingly say you won't say well done again.

*To make her to want your appreciation and your compliments, your compliments have to be scarce to have value and to be seen as genuine*. If you always compliment, compliment and compliment. There's too many compliments on the market and their value won't look as big. Not to mention, they might not seem sincere, because who genuinely compliments all of the time that often?

*The rarer they are, the more they will be appreciated and the more genune they seem*. Bonus points if you can tease her, showing that you're also able to disqualify her, like pointing out things that are not so great about her but in a jokingly way. Go for things that are temporary, monetarily or she doesn't care about, don't go for things that may be too personal so the other person feels insecure about them or things that she cares about.

*Additional bonus points if you can be honest about your tastes and preferences*. To be honest about what you like and dislike, as opposed to trying to mold your preferences over her.

*Because if you can show that you can be honest about what you like and dislike*, not only the type of food you like or sports or stuff like that, even if that dress doesn't look so good or that movie wasn't so great, *just tell it as it is, as long as you do it respectfully*, if you're willing to say negative things respectfully and give a honest opinion, *she will value your opinion more*, because she knows it's real, it's genuine. Someone who can give an honest opinion will be appreciated because *at the end of the day we like that honest opinion so we can know how things really are, as opposed to flattering*.

It also shows authenticity, that you're being yourself. The "I don't like that". *If your dissaprovement is genuine, within reason, then your compliments will also come across as more genuine, since you have shown that you can also not give compliments*. When you give your honest opinion about something, when you show that you are willing to disagree, the compliments also come across as more sincere.

*If you only compliment some of the time, and are willing to be honest about how a certain thing looks like, when you're complimenting it's actually valued more because you're being honest*. Your compliment is not taken with a grain of salt because you were not complimenting so many times.

I don't like the ideas of bad boys but *I can understand the appeal some women have for these kinds of men and why they have them*. That feeling of though and bring able to handle yourself in life also means protection. And you can adopt the traits that are seen as positive from a bad boy, that thoughness, that masculinity, without all the toxic aggressive or domineering stuff.

*You can be a though guy but decide not to be. That's deeply attractive*. The idea that you can stand up for yourself but decide not to and would rather solve the issue diplomatically.

Someone who would rather avoid conflict, but has no issue going into conflict once conflict is innevibale. You want to be good, but you have no issue being bad if you have no other choice. In away, a good alpha male. *An alpha male with decency*.

*A rabbit is not cool. A tiger who can bite but won't bite, now that's cool*. Because that tiger will protect. Someone who can make a good peace, who would rather make a good peace, but can also make a good war if he has no other choice.

As I said previously, long ago: *You can be a nice guy with a hint of bad boy who loves her deeply*.

At the end of the day, it's still the same behavior, bring nice, but they want to see where it comes from, so they can see whether they can trust it.

It's not the nice behavior, it's where they think the nice behavior is coming from that makes it a problem.

This doesn't mean you have to not be nice. On the contrary, it means to only not be nice when necessary and you have no other choice.

*Empathy summarized in 2 words: "poor thing"*. Comforting someone has to be like a silk touch.

*And when you are young, go for it, experiment, try, do mistakes. Better try and have a nasty experience than never try and always wonder*.

When you are young, do whatever goes through your head. Don't be too much in your room. Because these years don't go back. Experiment as much as you can from life.

Get new experiences, seek, research, go, expore, be curious, get in touch with people, and so on.

*We remember the most the stupid things we have done, the misdeeds, when we broke the rules and so on*. Do what your heart desires, and pull hard to get where your heart desires.

Well, this was longer than planned, but still a lot shorter than the original post.


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

Genuine love is caring for someone, not just your selfish desires. 

Destiny is how you manage to navigate life, considering large swaths of it are out of your control, and how fortunate you are that the world is as beautiful as it is.

How to be attractive is a lot of things, but I think it's also important to ask yourself how to be truly fulfilled and how to be comfortable--because it's nice if someone is attracted to you when you are fulfilled and comfortable, as that can be your default state around them and they enjoy it (different people are attracted to different things).


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