# Are online relationships real relationships?



## lightened (Mar 24, 2012)

Pros/Cons

Go.


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## alphacat (Mar 17, 2011)

You might do better if you could first define 'online relationships'.

Do you mean long distance relationships, 'forum' relationships, online dating, etc?


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## skycloud86 (Jul 15, 2009)

I think you can have real friends that you only know via the Internet, but because you've never met in person, there's a level of trust that can never form that normally would between friends.


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## strawberryLola (Sep 19, 2010)

^Also, I tend to think that online is a self-projection of our own realities in which we create via the cyber world of fantasy.. How we perceive people or how they converse online may be entirely different to how they present themselves IRL. 

I think online friendships can be real if you meet in person and you still click with each other offline. If you speak together hours to hours on end, definitely a bond there. Like minds think alike.


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## sprinkles (Feb 7, 2010)

If you're willing to acknowledge how the perceptions are necessarily different, sure.

It's not impossible, I've seen it work. One just has to know that it operates under some different rules. I don't think you can expect to treat it the same as a relationship in person, in the majority of cases.


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## Vivid Melody (Apr 25, 2011)

What makes a relationship unreal? I'd consider some relationships that people have in real life to be pretty fake and some of the "realest" relationships are to be had online. It depends completely on the people involved.


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## The Great One (Apr 19, 2010)

alphacat said:


> You might do better if you could first define 'online relationships'.
> 
> Do you mean long distance relationships, 'forum' relationships, online dating, etc?


Yes, I would like a more clear definition as well.


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## Mountainshepherd (Feb 23, 2012)

The are real relationships, but different relationships than those you have with people who are physically part of your life.


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## Midnight Rambler (Apr 17, 2010)

It really depends. If you meet some one online and only chat with them online i would say the realtionship isnt real. but, if you meet someone online and you end up meeting in person or you chatted on the phone and plan to meet, then i guess you can label it as a real relationship. I agree with skycloud and strayberry lola, on-line you can be anyone you want and present your self in the fantasy you imagine your self to be.


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## The Great One (Apr 19, 2010)

Midnight Rambler said:


> It really depends. If you meet some one online and only chat with them online i would say the realtionship isnt real. but, if you meet someone online and you end up meeting in person or you chatted on the phone and plan to meet, then i guess you can label it as a real relationship. I agree with skycloud and strayberry lola, on-line you can be anyone you want and present your self in the fantasy you imagine your self to be.


Good point. How can you love someone that you have never met in real life? Come on dude.


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## Paradox1987 (Oct 9, 2010)

The Great One said:


> Good point. How can you love someone that you have never met in real life? Come on dude.


I guess you could love the concept of the online individual? Like people love characters in a story? But with a heap less romanticisation? Personally, a face to face interaction is a whole heap different to a face to face one in my opinion. With people and situations it's all context specific lol.


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## The Great One (Apr 19, 2010)

Paradox1987 said:


> I guess you could love the concept of the online individual? Like people love characters in a story? But with a heap less romanticisation? Personally, a face to face interaction is a whole heap different to a face to face one in my opinion. With people and situations it's all context specific lol.


Doesn't that break the rules of biology completely? Anything where two people have not met in person is just puppy love to me.


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## DarkWarrior (Sep 21, 2011)

All I know Is I feel closer emotionally to my SO, who I'm planning to meet in the near future more than any of my other offline relationships. I meen sure an only online relationship isnt a fullfledged one but I'd say it's a bit more than puppy love. It is different to be certain. When an online relationship moves from cyberspace to reality is when we can be certain it is a real fully fledged one.


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## The Great One (Apr 19, 2010)

DarkWarrior said:


> All I know Is I feel closer emotionally to my SO, who I'm planning to meet in the near future more than any of my other offline relationships. I meen sure an only online relationship isnt a fullfledged one but I'd say it's a bit more than puppy love. It is different to be certain. When an online relationship moves from cyberspace to reality is when we can be certain it is a real fully fledged one.


True, very true.


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## Sakuya (Jan 7, 2012)

Yes, they are real relationships...depending on the level of contact.

I had an online girlfriend for about four months. We talked online whenever we could, Skyped when possible, chatted on the phone at night. It was really sweet, and oh god I loved her. My family broke it up because they didn't approve of my immoral behavior. I'm still getting over it, deep down. With people I know in person, I've never been very easily understood, and it makes it difficult for me with relationships. My girlfriend saw me as I was and accepted me. We balanced each other out well (me being NT temperamented, and her being an SP). She could understand my thought processes I couldn't express through talking.

Coming from me, the word "love" is strange, because I put up a rather unemotional front. In fact, I have a very difficult time expressing how I felt in general. But with her...there was something.


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## Vaka (Feb 26, 2010)

I'm in an online relationship right now...I plan to meet her in real life and move to the city she lives in as soon as I can. I love her a lot and the relationship I have with her is much closer, realer, and more intense than many relationships that people share in real life are. If you told me what I have with her isn't real, I'd think you were very insane


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## Thalassa (Jun 10, 2010)

Yes, they are.

I mean if you talk to someone every day all day long, yes.


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## donkeybals (Jan 13, 2011)

The only relationships I consider to be really real, are the ones, where there's no tools used to communicate with them (internet/phone). To be honest, I don't even like having extended conversations on the phone, and one of the few people who doesn't have a facebook. I'd rather just hang out in person, being reliant on technology to establish relationships, is bad, and one of the reasons I hate technology cause virtually everyone does it.

Honestly, I hate to say this, but, I mean, seriously, it comes to a point where technology is just fucking gay. It's like people don't know how to talk to eachother anymore. I've seen many instances where, people will be sitting at a table with one another AND ALL BE TEXTING. And the other day, I was coming through the hall, I'm taking a couple college courses, and literally EVERYONE about 20 people or so, I looked at all of them, were all just staring down at their phones. Only reason I talk on the phone and text is because I have to, I try to limit that shit as much as I can. 

It's like damn man, I just hate phones. Also, they are annoying, because, seriously in traffic, I have seen this trend getting pretty ridiculous, where a person is driving and swerving, and don't know when to go when the green light comes, and if I pass them, I'll see them just looking down and texting. It seriously pisses me off. Technology pisses me off when people are overly reliant on things like this.

I know, I'm on a rant, here, but, ya know. I don't view people on boards as real relationships. I know you guys are people and such, but I suppose some of your personalities are masked due to being anonymous. I probably sound like a hypocrite too here, since I've used message boards pretty regularly since I was about 20 or so. I'm 25 now. I think they are good sources of information, and it's fun and helpful at times. But it's similar to establishing relationships with characters on television show.


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## JohnGalt (Nov 5, 2011)

Friend relationships - yes

Romantic relationships - no

As intellectually compatible you might be and as emotionally intimate as you might get (or pretend to get) with someone online, it is ultimately hugely impersonal. You might feel free to share some private things you are afraid to share in person, but you are also losing out on the 90% of communication that is nonverbal and the component of attraction and chemistry that you only get from in-person interaction. You simply cannot bond in the same way. IMO online relationships are just newage penpals (and this comes from someone who has been in one as a teenager and thought it was really serious at the time). 

A "real relationship" is often a trial for lifestyle compatability, to see how well your day-to-day lives and mannerisms and needs fit together. It gives you a lot of insight into any potential you might have to live together in a codependant relationship/marriage/etc.. You cannot test that out online. It is easy to miss certain incomptabilities online that would be immediately evident with an in-person relationship.


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## sprinkles (Feb 7, 2010)

The Great One said:


> Doesn't that break the rules of biology completely? Anything where two people have not met in person is just puppy love to me.


Rules? What rules?

Who's to say that one can't find this 'puppy love' to be entirely sufficient?

What one wants or needs to get out of it is entirely up to them. We don't get to say what someone else finds to be 'real' in this regard.


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## reletative (Dec 17, 2010)

in all my years of online foruming, i've only made 3 friends that have become "IRL" friends. 

there was something real about them. now our friendships are exclusively real life and not on forums at all. 

it's hard to say what was different about those 3 than all the other hundreds of people i've talked to. 

but in general, i don't make "real" friendships online. i've never been attracted to someone online. i just really enjoy the sociability of chatting up people that i wouldn't normally ever meet and getting new perspectives.


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## lightened (Mar 24, 2012)

MuChApArAdOx said:


> Another question. How do you develop feelings for a person behind a computer screen ? I don't even develop close friendships, well not close enough to expose much of who i am. How can you develop trust ? Basically its only the words you read, or hear, how can you take it to a level of trust, then love...this is such an alien concept to me.



because they are actually not loving that person, it's the idea of them. they project a preconceived image of that person onto them.


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## Arclight (Feb 10, 2010)

They don't call them online "_relationships"_ for nothing. 

They are as real as any other relationship.. A relationship is an interaction defined by it's own perimeters.


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## Arroe (Sep 12, 2011)

nádej said:


> In a romantic relationship I need in-person, as far as I can tell. I mean, something could start online, sure, but so much of a relationship for me is conveyed through body language and touch. I *need* that. I feel like I'm floundering online so much of the time because I question everything and feel lost without being able to check someone's facial expressions or see how close they are standing to me or...so many things that translate into how everything is going.


I have to agree with this. I can have trouble telling what someone really means when they say something, because it can have multiple tones. In person, there usually isn't that problem, because you can pick up on their body language and voice inflection.

I also sometimes have trust issues with people that I meet online, because I worry if I'm the only one they're talking to, if they are actually hitting on girls offline, if they're just playing some sick joke on me, or if suddenly tomorrow they'll meet someone offline who has similar characteristics to me and dump me for them. I realize the same thing can happen with offline relationships, where partners can cheat on each other and not really mean what they say, but I just feel as if it's easier to cheat on someone you never officially met than someone you see often.

I'm not saying that those who are in online relationships can't love each other or trust each other; I'm sure that most people in online relationships dedicated to make them work and wouldn't cheat on their partner or anything. Just a personal issue that I have. I honestly respect those who are able to be at such great distances from one another and still love one another. That takes courage and a lot of dedication to keep up. It might make the offline relationship, when they do meet, better because of that.


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## nádej (Feb 27, 2011)

Arroe said:


> I also sometimes have trust issues with people that I meet online, because I worry if I'm the only one they're talking to, if they are actually hitting on girls offline, if they're just playing some sick joke on me, or if suddenly tomorrow they'll meet someone offline who has similar characteristics to me and dump me for them. I realize the same thing can happen with offline relationships, where partners can cheat on each other and not really mean what they say, but I just feel as if it's easier to cheat on someone you never officially met than someone you see often.


Yep. This so much for me too. I have trust issues just in general, but they are magnified when it's someone I'm not seeing in person on a regular basis. And in an online relationship there is so much that I think is like, "oh just take my word for it," which is not something I'm really comfortable doing right off the bat with someone. If it's someone I've been together with in person for a long time, I'm maybe okay with believing most things they tell me, but I really have a hard time doing it with someone I've only known a short while or someone I've only known via the Internet. Which I think is an okay thing - safety and common sense-wise.


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## Blood Rose (Nov 14, 2009)

MuChApArAdOx said:


> Another question. How do you develop feelings for a person behind a computer screen ? I don't even develop close friendships, well not close enough to expose much of who i am. How can you develop trust ? Basically its only the words you read, or hear, how can you take it to a level of trust, then love...this is such an alien concept to me.


It's funny because I generally don't trust most people. In the beginning it started out as simply an interest in his viewpoints and personal ideals and his passion for his convictions. We engaged in conversation about ethics, relationships, personality, and other topics of both of our interests. Soon I would go through the day and long to get back to the computer to talk to him, and I'd often wonder if he felt the same way. We kind of brought it up one day at the same time that we were interested in each other. 
After hearing of his bad past relationships, I felt compelled to show him that all relationships aren't like that. I wanted to give him everything that he hadn't be given. After hearing of my issues with trust, difficulty to express my feelings, and difficulty to truly get close to anyone, he felt compelled to show me that I could trust him, he worked with me through my feelings patiently, and he took things slow. From the start of our relationship we moved from strictly online to getting on skype and talking and gaming with each other to calling and texting each other on the phone. I always knew where he was at and he always knew where I was at, and I was also introduced to some of his IRL friends online (and later introduced to his family and friends IRL). Trust took a very long time for me to build, but he never gave me a reason to doubt him.


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## Mataes (Mar 27, 2012)

I was in an online relationship for about four years, so I'll weigh in a bit.

As you can imagine, since it was four years, I consider online relationships legitimate relationships, otherwise I would have bailed out early on. 

I don't want to go too into detail on some of the specific instances, because there is a lot of it, and I'll try to be concise.

She was my age, in Canada. Then In Texas. Then in Canada again, and then finally in London. Oh and for those of you that care about the personality type I am INFP and she was ISFP.

It can be just as real. I was in love. Head over heels absolutely, completely in love. I never ever met this girl face to face. I had only six pictures to speak of, but I experienced love on a very deep level, one that i believe surpasses a lot of emotional depth and intimacy that a lot of relationships see.

Don't get me wrong, it has its flaws. And I got the front of them. For moments early on in our relationship before we really acknowledged how seriously we took the relationship, she was very flighty. There were two occasions where she left for a long period of time. Its not that she told me, its that she just stopped logging in one day. She disappeared for three months the first time, and one the second time. When she came back she confessed she left because she did not think an online relationship could possibly end well, so she left. But eventually came back because she apparently missed me too much.
Which leads me to my next point

Just like in real life, you can reach a point where you realize that you consider someone you're with a part of your ideal future. You know, when you decide to commit to someone. I honestly did think that this girl was on a level above even the people I knew and met in face to face reality. 

I was beginning to see that I could really be in love with someone across the country and soon the world was really someone I loved more than I could say I did anyone around me. This was kind of magnificent at first, but I soon came to learn, that while we somehow bonded through technology in this intimate and incredible way, it was also incredibly scary. Because we also realized that by being linked through this, we could be separated in a number of ways, without our control. On top of it allows someone to leave the relationship without saying a word. 

There is a long list of reasons why this can, and in the eyes of probability probably will be, very disastrous. This paints a picture of doom and negativity, that I think that most people will tell you about them if anyone talks to you about theirs. Though that is often how it looked on the outside, there was also a large number of positives and genuine experiences that you really respond to. I can assure you that any positive you would expect with f2f relationships, you will find in an online relationship. A healthy one anyway. Like a number of people have said, they are legitimate, but in a different sort of way than a f2f relationship. This is true too. Its kind of hard to see them both in the same light for most people. 

I believe these relationships are indeed real, and grow to become part of who you are just like any bad or good f2f relationship would. They can also however be devastatingly disastrous. This isn't any different from a f2f relationship in my opinion though.

Mine did end devastatingly. She ended up passing away, after disappearing for the entire month prior, and I never found out why. Her family apparently took her body before any of her friends got any knowledge of what happened or where she was taken. I had a little contact with her friends so I was able to find this out. It was definitely a very hard time in my life for me, things didn't seem very bright, and that was the closest I've ever been to suicidal thoughts.

I don't bring this up for pity, understand. I worked through the whole ordeal in time, and now I'm out looking again.


If I had the opportunity to go back and tell myself to not do it, I wouldn't. As much as her loss hit me when it happened, the entirety of everything preceding made me into who I am today, and I got a lot of good out of it. 

My point is that relationships online can be both incredibly rewarding and devastating. And if you're questioning its legitimacy, then I can assure you that the experience is as real as anything else.


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## MuChApArAdOx (Jan 24, 2011)

Blood Rose said:


> It's funny because I generally don't trust most people. In the beginning it started out as simply an interest in his viewpoints and personal ideals and his passion for his convictions. We engaged in conversation about ethics, relationships, personality, and other topics of both of our interests. Soon I would go through the day and long to get back to the computer to talk to him, and I'd often wonder if he felt the same way. We kind of brought it up one day at the same time that we were interested in each other.
> After hearing of his bad past relationships, I felt compelled to show him that all relationships aren't like that. I wanted to give him everything that he hadn't be given. After hearing of my issues with trust, difficulty to express my feelings, and difficulty to truly get close to anyone, he felt compelled to show me that I could trust him, he worked with me through my feelings patiently, and he took things slow. From the start of our relationship we moved from strictly online to getting on skype and talking and gaming with each other to calling and texting each other on the phone. I always knew where he was at and he always knew where I was at, and I was also introduced to some of his IRL friends online (and later introduced to his family and friends IRL). Trust took a very long time for me to build, but he never gave me a reason to doubt him.


Thanks for sharing all that  It totally blows me away to think that people can develop that level of trust over the internet. You know where i come from it was taugh to me not to trust anyone on a deeper level in cyberland, and for the most part, i don't. Not to say that if i met some of these people in reality i couldn't form a trusting relationship eventually, although never on the net. Then again its been only a short time that i've actually communicated with people online. I do enjoy that aspect, yet i would never consider taking it to another level. 

You know i laugh because i know one of the main reasons i couldn't hold a serious relationship online. I'm too lazy to ever commit myself to anything daily, i can't imagine long term ;D They may wait for weeks before they ever hear from me, sometimes months  I can barely keep up with contact in reality, text seems like too much work with no real time satisfaction. Anyways, its interesting to hear what different people will sacrifice in order to maintain a connection through text. I couldn't, i think i'm too selfish honestly. If i wanted to reach out with this person physically and couldn't, that alone would remind me why it didn't feel real. Again, thanks for sharing your story thou


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## TaylorP (Mar 22, 2011)

So you have a imaginary friend, that you really like, but you want the friend to have a mind.
So you impose this image on a internet relationship. . . . .


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## lightened (Mar 24, 2012)

@Arroe


> I honestly respect those who are able to be at such great distances from one another and still love one another. That takes courage and a lot of dedication to keep up. It might make the offline relationship, when they do meet, better because of that.


they are easier. much easier. the real benefit got offline relaionships, is the sexual aspect.


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## Moon_Child (Jan 2, 2012)

Some people have been able to maintain LDRs/online-relationships. I know a story of a couple that maintained a LDR for over 5 years until they decided to actually see each other. They wrote letters to one another to make the experience more intimate. 

I think online-dating/LDRs can be dangerous. You might make someone to be better than they really are. Mystery is fascinating in a relationship. Someone over the internet is definitely going to give you that mystery element. And, you might abuse it and come up with the craziest things; unknowingly, you force qualities onto this person that aren't there, creating your _ideal_ person.

I tried it once, and I can just say... it isn't for me. I don't take people over the net seriously; don't take them serious enough to start a relationship over the net, that is. 

That's just me though.


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## The Great One (Apr 19, 2010)

@Stephen

Okay, so I'm not saying that it's not possible to possibly start the process of love through an online relationship. What I am saying is that IMO one has to truly meet that person in person and spend time with them to really know that they have cultivated a successful relationship. A lot of things can seem great online, but "in person" is when one can pierce through the heart of infatuation and let pure logic sink in. For example, a lot of things can be present that can make a seemingly "perfect relationship" go sour. For example, maybe that person and you are not sexually compatible, maybe you have different financial spending habits, maybe in that person turns out to be abusive, or maybe that have in-laws that drive you nuts. Again, I'm not saying that the process of love can not be started online, I'm just saying that "in person" is when love can be truly confirmed.


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## kudi (Sep 27, 2011)

@The Great One

Just clarifying. Falling in love online is possible and allows you to reach a certain level of compatibility but some tests of compatibility can only be done in person? 

It sounded more like you are saying compatibility rather than love can be confirmed in face to face meeting. After all you can love someone and know that you would be terrible together.


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## The Great One (Apr 19, 2010)

kudi said:


> @The Great One
> 
> Just clarifying. Falling in love online is possible and allows you to reach a certain level of compatibility but some tests of compatibility can only be done in person?
> 
> It sounded more like you are saying compatibility rather than love can be confirmed in face to face meeting. After all you can love someone and know that you would be terrible together.


Yes, love can be found online, but compatibility can only be found face to face IMO.


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## lightened (Mar 24, 2012)

@The Great One

what is love anyway? seriously. people confuse love with infatuation.


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## The Great One (Apr 19, 2010)

lightened said:


> @The Great One
> 
> what is love anyway? seriously. people confuse love with infatuation.


On that subject, I believe that one can not experience true love unless they have been in a relationship with a person for 6 months to a year. I know, that even I, myself easily become infatuated.


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## lightened (Mar 24, 2012)

The Great One said:


> On that subject, I believe that one can not experience true love unless they have been in a relationship with a person for 6 months to a year. I know, that even I, myself easily become infatuated.


minor problem with that statement.
there are tons of people who fit that criteria in a relationship and have not experienced this.
co-dependent, enabling and abusive relationships also fit that criteria and are not capable of experiencing "love." they do not have it in themselves or towards themselves, how can they provide it for others when they are lacking?


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## The Great One (Apr 19, 2010)

lightened said:


> minor problem with that statement.
> there are tons of people who fit that criteria in a relationship and have not experienced this.
> co-dependent, enabling and abusive relationships also fit that criteria and are not capable of experiencing "love." they do not have it in themselves or towards themselves, how can they provide it for others when they are lacking?


Well, these people actually could be in love, and in an abusive relationships and other types of relationships. This is what relationship and mental health counselors are for.


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## lightened (Mar 24, 2012)

The Great One said:


> Well, these people actually could be in love, and in an abusive relationships and other types of relationships. This is what relationship and mental health counselors are for.



um. what? 
are you saying that abuse = love?

is that what the controlling battering husband told his wife just before he poured acid on her face because she was in the vicinity of another man? is that what a controlling and battering husband means, "im in love with you," when he threatens to kill her if she tries to leave him? and if she goes through with it, it must be because he is in love with her. what about the man that was warned to stay away from his estranged lover by law enforcement, and breaches this? because he is in love with her.

when on earth were love and abuse mutually exclusive? if this is so, than i learned something new today.


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## StormInATeaCup (Aug 4, 2011)

lightened said:


> @The Great One
> 
> what is love anyway? seriously. people confuse love with infatuation.


Curious statement you just made there. 
Do you mean to ask what love is? Have you experienced it? Have you experienced infatuation? 
You made a sweeping generalization that has potential to be greatly lacking in wisdom.


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## The Great One (Apr 19, 2010)

lightened said:


> um. what?
> are you saying that abuse = love?
> 
> is that what the controlling battering husband told his wife just before he poured acid on her face because she was in the vicinity of another man? is that what a controlling and battering husband means, "im in love with you," when he threatens to kill her if she tries to leave him? and if she goes through with it, it must be because he is in love with her. what about the man that was warned to stay away from his estranged lover by law enforcement, and breaches this? because he is in love with her.
> ...


Relationship problems will always be there. This can not be avoided. Mental health counselors are there in order to help people to determine if crazy abusive actions are a just a product of things such an abusive childhood for instance. Then, to see if the abuser is willing to work on stopping the abuse if it can be stopped at all. It's really hard to explain. Relationships can be very complicated.


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## lightened (Mar 24, 2012)

StormInATeaCup said:


> Curious statement you just made there.
> Do you mean to ask what love is? Have you experienced it? Have you experienced infatuation?
> You made a sweeping generalization that has potential to be greatly lacking in wisdom.


 i have not stumbled upon a concrete definition of love.
there are a lot of interpretations to what it is. i asked what it is, i thought that was pretty obvious.

a lot of people say they love someone, when it is not love they feel, it is infatuation, it is the idea, bewitchment.

according to the bible or some religious reference, love is not jealous, impatient, love is kind, accepting etc. 
i have not loved someone. i have liked someone. felt immense passion towards them - fleeting, but it was felt.
did i attempt to change them, manipulate them, was i jealous or controlling? - no.
when i seriously get involved with someone, my goal is not to keep or trap them they are free to leave when they please. i do not own people. people are not meant to be owned they are not possessions. and we are not monogamous mammals. monogamy is an illusion, we think we are supposed to be with one person for sustained periods of time. is that love? i do not know.

is love felt? or is it tested? what is it?


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## lightened (Mar 24, 2012)

@The Great One

i do not deny the absence of problems.
abusing someone is a major problem. it's not healthy. the abuser is not healthy, the person that chooses to stay is also, not healthy.
i have a hard time seeing how abuse of any kind is on any level related to liking or "loving" that other person.

that childhood abuse argument is nonsense. there are plenty of people that grew up in an abusive environment, that did not end up repeating the cycle.

a healthy person with a healthy perspective towards relationships and themselves will not end up with an abusive person. regardless of background.


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## Vivid Melody (Apr 25, 2011)

*Lets say that you have communicated with this person via skype, text, whatever. You get to know them through a computer screen for months. What happens when you meet them and there is no chemistry, whatsoever. They are not what you had in mind. Do you feel like all these mts were a complete waste of time ? I'm not bashing anyone for having these kinds of relationships, i just don't grasp them. Curious.*

I really feel like so long as both parties were truthful about themselves, the chemistry would translate to real life. The thing that might prevent this from happening is if one or both parties start projecting traits onto the other person that aren't really theirs. And then there's unrealistic expectations (which sort of goes a long with that) but unrealistic expectations will kill any relationship on or offline. Only other thing I can think of is if both people were shy in person (but not online) but then, shy people always open up eventually. I'm shy and it only took me about a week (probably because I'm with someone who is extroverted and not shy).

As far as sexual chemistry etc. goes, well there's lots of time to discuss all that (what each of you prefers) so you can get an idea (well more than an idea depending how much you talk about it). You don't have to go at it to figure it out but I know some people prefer to do that just not everyone is that way.

Anyway, it might be hard for some people to understand how someone could fall in love this way but everyone and every relationship is different. If you just imagine yourself as a different person you can understand. It's like why do I prefer introversion over extroversion? Because it feels good to me. I've also always found the written word very beautiful so there's that. There are lots of reasons why someone could fall in love online. I'm also another person who didn't plan on it. It just happened and not even right away. If you would have told me I would have met my husband online years ago, I wouldn't have believed you. But when you meet someone that right for you, you jump on it. And yes, it does take a trusting/loyal/faithful person for it to work but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. If your relationship can withstand the distance etc. you know it has been tested and it is strong.


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## entpIdeas (Jun 6, 2011)

Simply put, no. If relationships that start online eventually work it is because at some point they were taken to "real" and they coincidentally went well that way. Outside of that although there might be value and knowledge gained from online relationships it is the same thing you could get from any resource such as a book or movie except with feedback. Most people have more interest in their cat than their online friends when it comes down to commitment and investment. Anything that doesn't fit their schedule or life becomes a problem and they disappear. Just test it sometime and you will be surprised at how quickly people are able to abandon difficult situations if they are online only. It's as though the same anonymity that affords them the ability to disclose also affords them the ability to act anyway they choose. Paradoxically, it somehow no longer "works" when real responsibility is involved, unless it is taken to the realm of real first. I have seen many people learn hard lessons by thinking otherwise. that said, I do believe it can be a stepping stone to something more for people who are willing to move it to reality.


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## IcarusDreams (Apr 23, 2011)

The Great One said:


> Good point. How can you love someone that you have never met in real life? Come on dude.


Just because it is unlikely, never understimate the power and reach of authentic love. I am INFP, though, and generally see love differently than most. Have seen it happen, happened to me too, and it will surely keep happening to some-although one should obviously not expect it as a rule. True love is bigger than "chemistry", or a quest for the "best genes"-it is about individuals that get to know each oher, and come to love who that is, whether it is online or offline (the physical is but one aspect of a relationship, and to me, ultimately not the biggest factor.)


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## StElmosDream (May 26, 2012)

For me it works to a point to get background information, sadly this method can also lead to additional hurdles and disappoint i.e. will be date/won't we date in person... tending to risk addictive tendencies and anxiety because there is just too much we don't know or projections that may manifest over time; potentially even trained behaviours where some uses keywords then gets a constant responses (pleasure/reward dynamics where good things said are required to validate people).

Personally I'm not against true online relations or Internet dating. I actually had an LDR for 3 months it just didn't work out because our love languages were incompatible, with me being the strong feeler wordy type who ultimately found that touch affection was the missing ingredient and found I just couldn't keep giving so much away when I wanted to try dating in person and their traumatic history caused so many trust issues that they were too tentative about meeting.


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## firedell (Aug 5, 2009)

For friendships yes. As sometimes I have a hard time explaining myself in real life sometimes, so the Internet is a great way for me to say what I need to say. I think this is true for most people. 

I couldn't do Internet dating, because I need to show them how I care about them. I'd want to touch them, hear their voice and so on. I don't know how people cope.


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## MBTI Enthusiast (Jan 29, 2011)

StElmosDream said:


> I actually had an LDR for 3 months it just didn't work out because our love languages were incompatible, with me being the strong feeler wordy type who ultimately found that touch affection was the missing ingredient and found I just couldn't keep giving so much away when I wanted to try dating in person and their traumatic history caused so many trust issues that they were too tentative about meeting.





firedell said:


> I couldn't do Internet dating, because I need to show them how I care about them. I'd want to touch them, hear their voice and so on. I don't know how people cope.


Haha. I think one of the key elements in the ability to withstand an LDR is _not_ having Physical Touch as your primary love language. My love language is Words of Affirmation, so it's quite easy for my "love tank" to be filled, even from a distance. I believe my bf's is Quality Time, so long skype sessions and online chatting suffice for him for now. 

Not sure if sx doms can withstand LDRs either.

Also, complete trust in each other is _extremely_ important.


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## Pyroscope (Apr 8, 2010)

I think they're real. If talking to this person makes you happy and feel understood then it means just as much, and maybe more, than a real-life relationship.

The only thing that makes online relationships unreal is not being willing to see them as a true person instead of words on the screen. That's all down to individual preferences. You feel it or you don't and neither way is wrong.

Online relationships might be full of secrets but so might your real-life relationships. The only question you need to ask yourself is 'Do they mean something to me?' If they do then it's just as real.


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## FacePalm (Jun 27, 2012)

i won't ever consider any online/virtual or long-distance relationship....just way too unproductive as far as we ISTPs are concerned


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## gwennylou (Jun 19, 2009)

I think you can have friendships, but like others have stated, unless you meet in real life and establish that face to face connection, it's never going to be truly fulfilling. I also don't see how any romantic relationship would ever work if you all you ever did was talk to each other online and never meet in real life or have easy access to one another and time to spend in real life. 

All of my sisters met their SO's on dating sites, but were close enough to each other in proximity that the majority of their relationship was spent in real life with only a minimal amount of time on Ok Cupid, Plenty of Fish, and Eharmony. So, yeah I think they can become real, but I don't think relationships that are spent 100% online all the time could ever be fulfilling like a real life relationship.


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## Lala (Oct 13, 2008)

I think they are very real, if there are emotions involved. If you feel nothing for the person you are communicating with, it is not a "real" relationship. Is it required to ever meet them, in the flesh and blood, for them to have a huge impact on your life? I do not think so. But I have learned that without developing a physical connection with the people you communicate with on the other side, these relationships are bound to fizzle out sooner than if you had physically met one another, at least in romantic relationships.


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## GoodOldDreamer (Sep 8, 2011)

The thing about online relationships these days is that it's not 1999 anymore. It's not just text. You have Skype. Youtube videos. Etc, etc. Webcams are even in HD for crying out loud. I remember back in the day when they were little more than grainy slide show images of stills taken with like 10 second lag in between, lol.

Short of physically touching someone, I don't see how an online relationship can be all that different than in person. IMHO, you tend to know even more about people via online communication than you ever would irl, even after years being with them. I wouldn't discount this form of relationship, especially for introverts who would otherwise go completely unnoticed.

About the only things I can think of that would change the relationship by meeting irl is if one of the people has bad BO or something. But who the hell would ever meet their SO like that though, especially for the first time? :laughing:

Anyway, this brings up the question, when you love someone, do you love them for who they are, or for the shell they inhabit?


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## pinkrasputin (Apr 13, 2009)

I don't consider any relationship real if I haven't met them irl. People misrepresent themselves all the time. And I can't stand it when someone wants to go and "take it to the next level" and do cyber chat because that attaches me to a computer all day. No.


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## LuckySeven (Jun 10, 2012)

Friendships... yeah certainly. I have plenty of people I feel a bond of friendship with online. Relationships online.. romantically I mean, yeah I've tried them. And my opinion is.. they work, but only to a certain extent. You can fall for someone online, get to know them online, get closer online, sure. But at some point, to truly call it a relationship you have to take the next step and actually meet the person. Would I be opposed to my SO being someone I originally met online though? Heck no, and in all honesty there are some really great strengths to that... after all, you get to enjoy someone for their personalities and quirks, not for all the aesthetic crap that people sadly usually judge too much from. Just my two cents on that. But meet up before you really call it a "relationship".


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## da_gobbo (Feb 26, 2012)

online friendships yes in some ways friends online know me better than those i know irl online i kinda feel free to just be myself, and be totally honest about who i am, i'm a lot less worried about how people will react than i would be irl so the real me shows more. irl there are aspects of myself that i never really admit to, or i'm not yet ready to tell people about.

You could argue that in some respects online friendships can be more real than rl ones, because online it easier to be yourself the potential downside to telling people the deeper truths that not everyone is going to like is less, my local community has a lot less people than the internet community, locally there may not be many who'd understand or accept every aspect of me, and even less who'd do so publicly, online there are so many peopel that you cna fele confident there will be plenty willing to accept you as you.


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## Ace Face (Nov 13, 2011)

This thread got bumped again? I'll bite this time around.

When I first joined PerC, I was the first to condemn online relationships. Ironically, since joining, I've had two of them :shocked:
I can honestly say that it completely depends on the people involved. The people are what make it real or unreal. Some people do use it as their fantasy playland so to speak, but occasionally, you'll bump into someone who is sincere and looking for the same things you are. With my first online relationship, we had a connection, but we couldn't meet each other's needs. I needed more time from him, and he needed more space from me, lol. The connection was there, but the distance was ultimately an issue for us. We were more cut out to be friends  With the one I'm in now... holy shit :3 I can honestly say my current relationship is the relationship in which I have been the happiest and most fulfilled. I've never met him in person, never touched him, never been closer than a thousand miles away, but I do love him completely. He gives me everything he's got, and he steps outside of his comfort zone quite often for me. He is the most amazing man I've ever met... well, you know what I mean  He's my best friend :3 I'm making plans for my first trip up there as we speak


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## DomNapoleon (Jan 21, 2012)

I don't think they are impossible... But I don't believe there is true love till the meeting.


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## searcheagle (Sep 4, 2011)

pinkrasputin said:


> I don't consider any relationship real if I haven't met them irl. People misrepresent themselves all the time. And I can't stand it when someone wants to go and "take it to the next level" and do cyber chat because that attaches me to a computer all day. No.


I don't consider anyone that I run into online (such as you fine folks reading this) unless and until I've had a lot of one on one communication. Just bumping into and interacting with people on a forum- no that's not a relationship, friendship or otherwise.

But when you've had extensive one on one communication with someone, online or off line, how could it NOT be considered a relationship? 

Sure, it may not be PERFECT but nothing in life is perfect. It has it's own struggles and difficulties, some of which make some people not even consider it. Yes, online relationships require interacting on the computer but if you can't do that it won't work for you. I work on a computer all day, come home, and get on another computer. That doesn't bug me at all. That is your personal preference. 

People misrepresent themselves IRL and online. Eventually, those lies comes out, in either place. Honest people are honest IRL and are honest online. Liars are dishonest IRL and online.


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## searcheagle (Sep 4, 2011)

Ace Face said:


> This thread got bumped again? I'll bite this time around.
> 
> When I first joined PerC, I was the first to condemn online relationships. Ironically, since joining, I've had two of them :shocked:
> I can honestly say that it completely depends on the people involved. The people are what make it real or unreal. Some people do use it as their fantasy playland so to speak, but occasionally, you'll bump into someone who is sincere and looking for the same things you are. With my first online relationship, we had a connection, but we couldn't meet each other's needs. I needed more time from him, and he needed more space from me, lol. The connection was there, but the distance was ultimately an issue for us. We were more cut out to be friends  With the one I'm in now... holy shit :3 I can honestly say my current relationship is the relationship in which I have been the happiest and most fulfilled. I've never met him in person, never touched him, never been closer than a thousand miles away, but I do love him completely. He gives me everything he's got, and he steps outside of his comfort zone quite often for me. He is the most amazing man I've ever met... well, you know what I mean  He's my best friend :3 I'm making plans for my first trip up there as we speak


Yes, I think personally experiencing it is the only way some people will think that it is possible. If you do connect with someone online, it is both amazing and frustrating (if it is an Online LDR).


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## ilphithra (Jun 22, 2010)

FacePalm said:


> i won't ever consider any online/virtual or long-distance relationship....just way too unproductive as far as we ISTPs are concerned


Hmm... me and my SO we met online some 6 years ago *in a MMO*, been living together for a bit over 4 years and we're engaged. And yes, it was online/long distance for over a year. 

What people tend to forget is that it's just not a bunch of text/pixels anymore. There's voice and video chat and before meeting up, both sides can have a pretty good view of who they're interested in.

The very last deterrent will be if there is "a spark" or not when you actually meet in real life.


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## StElmosDream (May 26, 2012)

ilphithra said:


> Hmm... me and my SO we met online some 6 years ago *in a MMO*, been living together for a bit over 4 years and we're engaged. And yes, it was online/long distance for over a year.
> 
> What people tend to forget is that it's just not a bunch of text/pixels anymore. There's voice and video chat and before meeting up, both sides can have a pretty good view of who they're interested in.
> 
> The very last deterrent will be if there is "a spark" or not when you actually meet in real life.


I understand most basis can be helpful in starting an LDR or real long distance friendship, but sadly have to draw the line at online gaming because many games encourage solo play or seem to be heading towards co op cross server play a lot more.


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## ilphithra (Jun 22, 2010)

StElmosDream said:


> I understand most basis can be helpful in starting an LDR or real long distance friendship, but sadly have to draw the line at online gaming because many games encourage solo play or seem to be heading towards co op cross server play a lot more.


This is a bit OTT... but it's all related in a way...

We met on a MMO because we both liked the MMO (obviously) and we were introduced by a mutual in-game friend at a point when a party was being made. 

For example, we play Dungeons&Dragons Online or more recently Tera Online. 
When me and my SO got in DDO, we got so good at duo-ing quests that it got to a point where we only couldn't do some specific quests. 
This was because of the *synergy* between us. We don't have to talk to each other to convey our thoughts all the time, no matter if it's in game or real life.

The synergy we have showed itself in a MMO of all things. She's amazing at playing healer/caster and I'm extremely good at playing melee/tank. Those two things click perfectly in a game. It was as if we were being matched on purpose. In real life, we complement of each other as well in a variety of ways.

That synergy continued when we started talking on voice or going on video and it continued to exist in real life. Nowadays, the simple fact of saying each other's name and/or looking at each other, conveys a whole plan of action be it in a game *or real life*.

Things started rolling from that point when our in-game friend needed us... first in-game friends, then real life friends... then it slowly rolled to lovers... 

It stared in a MMO... and it became so much more than just some pixels on a screen. All it took was a common friend that one day, needed a tank... :wink:


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## pinkrasputin (Apr 13, 2009)

searcheagle said:


> I don't consider anyone that I run into online (such as you fine folks reading this) unless and until I've had a lot of one on one communication. Just bumping into and interacting with people on a forum- no that's not a relationship, friendship or otherwise.
> 
> But when you've had extensive one on one communication with someone, online or off line, how could it NOT be considered a relationship?
> 
> Sure, it may not be PERFECT but nothing in life is perfect. It has it's own struggles and difficulties, some of which make some people not even consider it. Yes, online relationships require interacting on the computer but if you can't do that it won't work for you. I work on a computer all day, come home, and get on another computer. That doesn't bug me at all. *That is your personal preference. *


 Um yeah.. That is what we are stating here: Our personal preference. I am way too active to cyber chat. 



> People misrepresent themselves IRL and online. Eventually, those lies comes out, in either place. Honest people are honest IRL and are honest online. Liars are dishonest IRL and online.


I've never been shocked by someone I've met in person. But I have been shocked by people I've talked to online then met them in person. In person, I can see how they keep their home, their fat ass, and their crossed eyes and how they deal with other people. I've been out in the world for a while. No one really shocks me after I've met them. 

I really don't even know if I'm attracted to someone unless I meet them in person. That is true with me. But thanks for offering insight on how you feel about things.


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## StElmosDream (May 26, 2012)

@*ilphithra*
Fascinating, I just found it quite improbable when DDo of all games is considered a zerg fest by many until level 20+ (rather people hope it is) and many games seem to be offering a random party up button or soloing options outside the need for raiding these days.

I have heard of romances and weddings starting from inside games, I suppose it is just so uncommon that many discredit the possibility very easily because of the rarity of such things or how impersonal game roles can be unless people Skype or Facebook too.


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## Dashboard Hula Dancer (Jun 24, 2012)

Absolutely. I met my husband online 17 years ago. We got married almost 14 years ago.


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## amongfirstslugs (Jun 23, 2012)

Sure. Sometimes realer than 'real life' relationships. In real life relationships the only thing you can't lie about is the physical.

Eh, actually, there's more to it than that. But I still think that the anonymity the internet offers can allow people to be more honest with each other in ways. I've also seen whole people turn out to not even be real. But then, I've seen whole people turn out to not be real in real life. So. The moral is, everything is a potential illusion. Why do my conclusions always come to that? D:


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## AstralSoldier (Jun 18, 2012)

Pros

-If they're abusive, they stay over the internet lol (horrible joke didn't mean to offend, just making light of things)
-If both of you maintain your monogamy, you can build a very healthy, bond with a person that can one day turn into love/sexual release. (Long distance relationships are hard, but doable)
-It's a way to maintain a pre-established relationship, and keep updated with that person.

Cons

-Can't really consummate a long-distance relationship...I mean you can skype, but is it really the same thing?
-Monogamy/Trust issues....I mean, 'outta sight outta mind' is NOT the type of situation you want going on here...I mean could you really put someone who is M.I.A. from your relationship outta mind? Nope, you're probably gonna go loose your mind of it. Or, just drop them all together.

-not to mention....blue balls....:frustrating::angry: lol


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## WolfStar (Aug 18, 2009)

No, they're fake. Good job on spotting the trick.


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## searcheagle (Sep 4, 2011)

StElmosDream said:


> @*ilphithra*
> Fascinating, I just found it quite improbable when DDo of all games is considered a zerg fest by many until level 20+ (rather people hope it is) and many games seem to be offering a random party up button or soloing options outside the need for raiding these days.
> 
> I have heard of romances and weddings starting from inside games, I suppose it is just so uncommon that many discredit the possibility very easily because of the rarity of such things or how impersonal game roles can be unless people Skype or Facebook too.


I heard that romances started via games and online forums have a better success rate than those through online dating sites.


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## Perhaps (Aug 20, 2011)

I met both of my partners online, through gaming-related forums. They're the best thing that's ever happened to me.


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## pinkrasputin (Apr 13, 2009)

searcheagle said:


> I heard that romances started via games and online forums have a better success rate than those through online dating sites.


Where the hell did you hear this? I know the opposite to be true.


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## searcheagle (Sep 4, 2011)

pinkrasputin said:


> Where the hell did you hear this? I know the opposite to be true.


Sure.

Online Dating Vs. Online Gaming: Would You Have Better Luck In Love On WoW Than OKCupid? 

Do you have any data to back up your assertion?


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## pinkrasputin (Apr 13, 2009)

searcheagle said:


> Sure.
> 
> Online Dating Vs. Online Gaming: Would You Have Better Luck In Love On WoW Than OKCupid?
> 
> Do you have any data to back up your assertion?


This verses OK Cupid? I've already stated that I think free dating sites are trash. You'll probably find better relationships with online gaming than Craigslist, too.


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## searcheagle (Sep 4, 2011)

pinkrasputin said:


> This verses OK Cupid? I've already stated that I think free dating sites are trash. You'll probably find better relationships with online gaming than Craigslist, too.


The study doesn't specify what websites they used. That was only a rhetorical device used in the title and mentioned no where else.

1 in 3 World of Warcraft Players Attracted to One Another | Psych Central News 

From the Psych Central Article:



> New research suggests that online interactive game-playing, such as World of Warcraft, is not only “highly socially interactive” for most players, but on average, 1 in 3 players have found themselves to be attracted to another player. The study found approximately 75 percent of players made “good friends” with someone else in the game environment.
> ...
> Researchers said that online game players revealed that that they feel “more themselves” online because they are not judged by their appearance, gender, age, or other personal information.
> 
> ...


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## pinkrasputin (Apr 13, 2009)

searcheagle said:


> The study doesn't specify what websites they used. That was only a rhetorical device used in the title and mentioned no where else.
> 
> 1 in 3 World of Warcraft Players Attracted to One Another | Psych Central News
> 
> From the Psych Central Article:


Honestly, in my personal experience and those friends around me, online forums do not have more success than Match. I've found 3 long term partners on there. I don't really need to give you any proof other than my own experience and those of my friends. 

However, I think we can come to a commonality. But first, you do need to understand that not all of us are "gamers" and play video games so when you use the term "games", you need to clarify. I had no idea what you meant when you said "games" earlier. And in fact, I do think activity partners make for a great start in romantic relationships. If I run and meet a man who also runs, what a great start. Same could be said with online gamers. For them, meeting online is probably meeting "organically". 

The reason that I think it's easier to find someone on a paid dating website is because we all know why each other is there and there is no hidden agenda. However, I don't go onto forums or to a gaming sight to meet men. So if a man hits on me in those arenas, the less of a chance he has with me because that is not what I'm there for.


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## MBTI Enthusiast (Jan 29, 2011)

pinkrasputin said:


> And in fact, I do think activity partners make for a great start in romantic relationships. If I run and meet a man who also runs, what a great start. Same could be said with online gamers. For them, meeting online is probably meeting "organically".


I think this is an important point, and I can see both sides. You're saying that your odds of finding a mate are increased when you use a dating site because all of the people there are looking for a mate. However, perhaps your odds on gaming sites (or online forums for unique interests) have the advantage in that everyone there shares a common interest with you. So it depends. Either you sort through people who are looking for love but don't share any of your interests, or you sort through people who may not be looking for love but at least share something in common with you.

I think I'd take the guaranteed commonality.


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## StElmosDream (May 26, 2012)

searcheagle said:


> I heard that romances started via games and online forums have a better success rate than those through online dating sites.


All possible then again I find online dating a bit shallow or expensive, until people know what they want or get past the 40+ bracket


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## searcheagle (Sep 4, 2011)

pinkrasputin said:


> Honestly, in my personal experience and those friends around me, online forums do not have more success than Match. I've found 3 long term partners on there. I don't really need to give you any proof other than my own experience and those of my friends.


The reason I asked for proof was so I knew where your assertion came from. You know people who have used Match successfully, and you don't know anyone use met anyone though other means on the internet. (It also sounds as if you don't know anyone who played online games, which is what we were talking about.) Obviously, these are your personal, anecdotal experiences but don't make it universally true. And obviously people do meet through online dating, its a huge business- multi Billion dollar, I would guess.



> However, I think we can come to a commonality. But first, you do need to understand that not all of us are "gamers" and play video games so when you use the term "games", you need to clarify. I had no idea what you meant when you said "games" earlier.


The post that I was responding, and quoted, to was specifically about online games- specifically Dungeons and Dragons.



> And in fact, I do think activity partners make for a great start in romantic relationships. If I run and meet a man who also runs, what a great start. Same could be said with online gamers. For them, meeting online is probably meeting "organically".


Yes, that is a big part of it. Also, Adrenaline, has been found to increase attraction by 37.5%. Adrenaline can be released during life savings rescues, running, and (yes, even) in video games. I think that's another factor. 



> The reason that I think it's easier to find someone on a paid dating website is because we all know why each other is there and there is no hidden agenda. However, I don't go onto forums or to a gaming sight to meet men. So if a man hits on me in those arenas, the less of a chance he has with me because that is not what I'm there for.


And that is a legitimate point in favor of online dating. You are there because you are interested in dating something. In an activity based placed, you do that because you want to do that activity, not necessary to meet someone.


I did do online dating for a while-over a year- and found it to feel highly artificial. It felt like I was buying a car or something. Yes, you knew why everyone was real but it seems so "fake." And I think knowing why everyone takes out the "organic" mystery out of it. You aren't trying to meet to determine a lifetime commitment, you are just talking one small step- start off by just talking about battle plans, then talking about your personal life, then talk about... maybe something more.

The little things that can bug you when you are showed them in a spreadsheet, can be forgiven when you see the broader person involved. Plus, you've already seen how the person reacts in a wide array of situations, unlike the dating site where the person only shows you what THEY want you to see.


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## Kyandigaru (Mar 11, 2012)

LMAO....

The last time I had an "online" relationship, the guy had a girlfriend and was bipolar... NEVER!!! Ever!! again!!!! lol


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## EmileeArsenic (Jun 8, 2012)

I'm kind of conflicted on this. This is one of those situations where on one hand, I think the idea is lovely, and can turn into something awesome, but it's a huge gamble, and it's easier to read body language and interact and do simple things like hug and smell one another (which sounds odd, but it matters!) touch each other and be around each other during good and bad times. It's much easier to fake a personality online than it is when you're standing right there and interacting all the time.

I've never been in an online relationship... Quite frankly, the idea of calling someone whose hand I've never held and whose arms I've never felt around me my Significant Other kind of screams wishful thinking to me. That's not to say I've not had what I call E-crushes on a couple people. I have. I think crushes on online people can be completely legitimate. The ones I've had have been just as intense an infatuation as the ones I've had in person, but I can't really say I'd be as inclined to be exclusive if I can't cuddle, snuggle or even just lay my head on his shoulder or hold his hand. When it comes to relationships I'm a highly physical person. It doesn't entirely feel "real" to me if it's just words and images. It's different when you actually know one another in person and have to spend some time apart and communicate that way. 

With the guy I'm talking to right now... while I do have quite the crush on him, and he has made it fairly clear that he'd like to move closer to me, I can't bring myself to be "with" him until I meet him and we've made concrete plans to move near one another. Until then, to me, it's just fantasy. A lovely, vivid fantasy, but still a fantasy.

If that works for others, excellent, more power to you, but I can't do it. I need the physical.


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## StellarTwirl (Jul 1, 2012)

Speaking personally: NO.

Too detached. Too easy to turn the screen on and off. Too unfulfilling and incomplete ... like flavorful junk food without nutrition. 

That said, I do think online is an awesome way to _initiate_ a relationship/friendship that can eventually become "real". Better than real life in many cases because, without tangible distractions, it can be easier to see the core of what people are about.


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## pinkrasputin (Apr 13, 2009)

searcheagle said:


> The little things that can bug you when you are showed them in a spreadsheet, can be forgiven when you see the broader person involved. Plus, you've already seen how the person reacts in a wide array of situations, unlike the dating site where the person only shows you what THEY want you to see.


This is why I don't consider any online relationship real unless we've actually met.

For instance, when talking to a person on Match, we try to meet each other as soon as possible to see if there is any chemistry, then proceed from there. That might include a couple of phone calls first. But I think it's dangerous to get too emotionally involved before actually meeting the person. My emotional investment may turn out to be a gigantic waste of time if it turns out there is no chemistry when meeting.

People can always look good "on paper" but they may not have the stuff to back it up or your opinion may change of them once you meet.


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## Lokkye (Dec 28, 2009)

Even though there's a sense of physical distance in an online "relationship", it is not exempt from intellectual or emotional connection. Physical distance is not a deterministic barrier of intimacy, I think intimacy could still be achieved even without being physically close to the person. In that respect, yes online relationships could be considered valid, but it also depends on how you define what a relationship is. In my opinion, an online relationship is not any less valid than one in real life, since there is still that aspect of connection and heightened sense of euphoria that can be achieved online, and not only in real life.

But with that in mind, people could be quite different in real life than they are online, but this does not stop a connection from happening. I think any attraction you feel towards any person is partially influenced by your own idealistic imaginings of the person. So you might imagine them as being more pleasant than they are in reality, and like pinkrasputin mentioned, end up being disappointed in them when you actually meet them, because they are not like you imagined them to be.

Personally, I prefer friendship to relationships, especially since there is less hassle, and probably easier communication.


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## Aquarian (Jun 17, 2012)

The Great One said:


> Good point. How can you love someone that you have never met in real life? Come on dude.


I was just writing about this in another thread. My wife and I met and fell in love via some months of daily email letters. 

Maybe for some people, online is in fact about presenting a falsehood, a fantasy. Such fantasy projection is alien to us both. Maybe it helped that my wife and I both seem to have truth telling encoded at some DNA level. 

But anyway, I can say that at least in our case, it was quite possible to love someone we had never met "in real life." We have been together in the physical world for some time since then, and have a powerful connection at all sorts of levels.


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## Aquarian (Jun 17, 2012)

StellarTwirl said:


> That said, I do think online is an awesome way to _initiate_ a relationship/friendship that can eventually become "real". Better than real life in many cases because, without tangible distractions, it can be easier to see the core of what people are about.


My wife made that very argument - and very strongly - when we were first getting to know each other via email.


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## StellarTwirl (Jul 1, 2012)

Aquarian said:


> My wife made that very argument - and very strongly - when we were first getting to know each other via email.


I wish everyone walked around with their shirts pinned with their most personally illustrative digital exchanges. Everyone would be part of my living library. I can think of worse ways to spend a day than casually strolling around, examining hearts.


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## xxxlovefactorxxx (May 27, 2012)

I think when it comes to serious relationships you have to meet. Friendships are different. SO in that case a relationship requires you to meet.


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## Pachacutie (Aug 27, 2010)

I talked to someone a year and a half before I even met him. (I met him about two weeks ago.)

I was so afraid that I wouldn't like him, or things would be awkward, and they were, briefly. But I completely trusted him quickly and we skipped all that getting to know each other stuff. I kind of decided if we didn't meet soon that things would spiral into oblivion, because every step that we took forward slowly just left room for the next step and if it didn't come, then I believe things would've stagnated. 

It went well, and I think it's proof that these things can work, but I don't know about entirely online. It's kind of torture now that I've met him to not be able to see him. I'm glad, though, that we entered into meeting by taking a step back. "This is no big deal. It'll be fun." It made things much easier, I think.

However, I'd say even just our online interactions were more real than the interactions I've had with other people. You can really get to know someone when all you can do is talk, and the fact that there is some stigma against it is odd to me. But if you're fourteen and have an online relationship where you never plan to meet and you lie all the time to each other, no... it doesn't count. :tongue:


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## intj78 (Nov 12, 2012)

what if you've met in real life, does it mean its a real relationship? wouldn't it depend on the meaning of a relationship?


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## SuburbanLurker (Sep 26, 2010)

Anyone capable of faking their personality online is also capable of faking their personality in real life. We all know people who do this. It may be easier online, but at the same time, one could argue that it's easier to be your true self online. Especially the socially awkward of us. 

I find it easier to take risks, talk about my feelings, and talk to girls in general via the internet. I articulate myself much better in text and am less prone to holding myself back for fear of saying something stupid. I'd say that the people who came to know me best in my life have been online friends.

However, as real as online relationships may be, as humans we will always have the need for physical intimacy and closeness. Without this somewhere down the line, all you're doing is torturing yourself. One of the most painful periods of my life was during an online relationship. A year of feeling hopeless, constant longing. Wanting something so bad, and trying so hard to resist the obvious truth: That it's simply not going to happen. I'm still getting over it, but that alone proves to me that they can be legitimate relationships.


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## unINFalliPle (Jul 8, 2012)

I know two people that have online relationships.

1 of them met the other in person after speaking online. It went well. They're still connecting online. Maybe phone and other ways. There's a distance between them. He once said babe accidentally, and that's when I figured he was seeing someone. XD He's gay, so he wasn't going for me or something. But I feel as though he's a part of his life. However they can do that online. 

The other one is long distance too. They've never met. There's a larger distance between them. They webcam and all that stuff. But she seems to think she'll marry him, that he'll move here and they'll live together. She likes to advertise on her blog. But, I'm a little skeptical honestly and a little worried for her. Even in real life, you can say all these things, but you never know and things change. So I hope she really doesn't get hurt. She also seems to be invested in it.

So honestly, I can't say because I haven't experienced it. I'm not super close to these people or discuss their relationship with them in lenght. But, it seems real to them, so I'll say it's real. However, I don't think I could/would do it. Already, texting and calling isn't enough, I've gotta be near the person. But maybe never knowing what that's like, you don't miss it as much? I don't know. It is hard for me to grasp.


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## milti (Feb 8, 2012)

I don't have any problems with long distance relationships. In two of my previous relationships, the guys moved away. At this age, in your 20s, that's only to be expected I suppose. When those relationships ended, the distance had just a minor part to play in it.

But I would not get into a relationship with someone I have never met face to face in real life. There just isn't the same level of comfort between online friends that you can get once you actually meet the person. I have many friends online. But I would never seriously consider starting a relationship or a whole new life with anyone I meet online _before _I actually meet them in real life. After a few meetings I will know whether my instincts about the person were right or not.


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## mrscientist (Jul 4, 2010)

I think as long as you love someone, that's more than enough. You should stop second guessing yourself and do what you feel is right. Do you feel empowered? Great, cause i need my couch moved.


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## Aquarian (Jun 17, 2012)

1. They can be. Just for one example, I fell in love with the woman who is now my wife when we were ONLY online friends.

2. Sometimes they're not - my level of disclosure varies greatly with the context and that affects whether a relationship can get to a level of depth - or even basic knowledge about each other - that I would consider a real relationship.

Given the above, it may be notable that I trusted my wife (who was then a stranger) almost immediately when we started corresponding and I was quite open with her about basic personal information of various types. She even looked up my physical address early on because she wanted to send me a card, and I wasn't the slightest bit creeped out by it. In other circumstances, I can be far more guarded about who I am IRL.


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## RetroVortex (Aug 14, 2012)

(Delete post. Messed it up on my phone)


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## RetroVortex (Aug 14, 2012)

It works for some but I'm not sure it would work for me.

Online me is a bit different to real-life me, in the sense I don't have many inhibitions when it comes to writing on paper.
Infact my jokes tend to be quite a bit cheekier! XD

in real life I'm pretty quiet and very nervous around people I don't know, and even when I open up to people I'm not 100% me like I am online (even with my best friend I'm only about 80% me).

So I could see online as a tool for arranging meet ups, but not as a full relationship development.
(my attraction is based on three judges anyway: my head, my heart, and my loins! XD)

edit: that being said any potential Ms. Right is going to have to like Video Games to some degree because she's going to be tripping over a lot of them! XD

Edit: Again, I think why me and my best friend work so well together is because we can both just de-attach ourselves from life and just goof off and have fun. We share our experiences and don't really judge one another. 
Id love that kind of connection with someone but also have that permanent physical and emotional bond there too. That's what I feel is missing and sadly that's what my best friend couldn't provide! XD 
(if I was gay, I'd totally be gay for him <3)


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## searcheagle (Sep 4, 2011)

RetroVortex said:


> It works for some but I'm not sure it would work for me.
> 
> Online me is a bit different to real-life me, in the sense I don't have many inhibitions when it comes to writing on paper.
> Infact my jokes tend to be quite a bit cheekier! XD
> ...


But that in fact is "you." Different things bring different parts of you. In fact, if you get comfortable with someone on line, you maybe able to jump easier to those things quicker once you meet them in person.



> So I could see online as a tool for arranging meet ups, but not as a full relationship development.
> (my attraction is based on three judges anyway: my head, my heart, and my loins! XD)


IME, you can get a pretty good idea of those 3 things on line as well.



> edit: that being said any potential Ms. Right is going to have to like Video Games to some degree because she's going to be tripping over a lot of them! XD


I don't care if my gf likes video games or not. Just so long as they tolerate me playing them


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## StElmosDream (May 26, 2012)

In some ways I'd have to say no, if someone has a bad day they may not realise their behaviour is hurtful or disbelieve the impact of any negativity. Then again I really should be more impartial when Sx doms favour touch and physical contact more than pure wordy affection (not much you can replace a hug or hand hold for IMO)... seen so many people break down emotionally online and expect the other party to 'fix them' when they may never have even met .


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## Fretful_Mused (Oct 6, 2012)

Well, a romantic relationship cannot be deemed as serious and proper until you meet the person in the flesh. Of course, you can get to know the person well through the likes of private and instant messaging but when it comes to love, it cannot be developed til the communication is taken offline. 

Pros: Much easier to strike up conversations and less stressful than meeting new people in the real world. You have a better chance in finding somebody who is on the same wavelength as you than wasting time, money and effort in hunting for them in local bars, clubs etc. 
It is a blessing for the shy, introverted types who prefer to get to know somebody slowly before meeting in real life. It makes it less daunting - takes away that fear of approaching a total stranger. 

Cons: 
Long distance can be a significant issue in many online relationships. This can cause people to develop trust issues and such. 
The absence of physical touch and affection can be very difficult. 
As there is no body language (unless on webcam), things said in text can be musconstrued. 
Safety should be a priority - you should always be careful when it comes to sharing with others online.


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## RetroVortex (Aug 14, 2012)

searcheagle said:


> But that in fact is "you." Different things bring different parts of you. In fact, if you get comfortable with someone on line, you maybe able to jump easier to those things quicker once you meet them in person.
> 
> IME, you can get a pretty good idea of those 3 things on line as well.
> 
> I don't care if my gf likes video games or not. Just so long as they tolerate me playing them


Heh. You have some good points there! XD
(Though as much as I would be willing to accept tolerance, the fact I have hundreds if not thousands of games means I go way beyond the average gamer (I even have an arcade machine in my house! XD), and I get annoyed enough as it is being ignored by my family when I try to talk to them about games, (which of course I do ALOT. Its my life's passion afterall! ))

EDIT: XD I remember this one time I had to get some chocolate for work, and I had a big order and I said to an attractive co-worker "man I wish I could go to this guy's party. Look at the motherload he's packing", and she turned around to me and said "Eugh. I hate chocolate. Its bad for you anyway".
I was actually pretty hurt by that. :sad:
(And my god if I could be hurt by a statement like that, I'd probably be outraged if someone disrespected games!)

(I don't know what relevance it has to this conversation, probably something to do with tolerance/open-mindedness, but I decided to share it regardless because its pretty funny! XD)


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## SuburbanLurker (Sep 26, 2010)

sheisopaqu3 said:


> Well, a romantic relationship cannot be deemed as serious and proper until you meet the person in the flesh. Of course, you can get to know the person well through the likes of private and instant messaging but when it comes to love, it cannot be developed til the communication is taken offline.


Says who? You're making assertions with no supporting argument, and experience tells me otherwise.


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## hulia (Sep 13, 2012)

I've only been in one online relationship, and it failed after a short two months. 

We were friends for awhile before we got together, like a year and a half before. So, after talking for that long and confessing to her that I liked her, it just happened. She lived on the eastern coast of Canada, while here I am in Australia. My sleeping patterns were fucked to the max during those two months; We would Skype whenever we had the chance to, if it meant for me staying up until 5 or 6 in the morning while she was eating lunch or whenever she had a break from school. The relationship didn't last very long because I grew tired of the distance, and the feelings weren't really there. It was just a giant impulse that didn't work out. We remained friends after we ended the relationship for the better, but now we don't even talk anymore. Clearly, it was bad on both ends. But, I don't blame it on the fact that it was online. The same thing would have happened if we were local. We just didn't click like I thought we did.

I do believe that online relationships can work, but only if they have the means to meet each other in person. I've seen it happen a few times, and I have a few online friends who are still with their same girlfriends/boyfriends that they've been with for a year + now. 

Basically, distance is a bitch. But they can definitely work. I see online dating as a great thing for those who are shy, and the introverted, ect. I think online relationships are a bit meaningful in ways, too, that because of the need for physical contact and affection, makes the relationship a lot stronger. There comes a level of loyalty, wanting, and desire that regular "real life" dating lacks compared to online dating, in some cases, I'm guessing. Since you don't have the privilege to just walk a few blocks to go see your girlfriend on a daily basis. Online relationships just take a whole lot of dedication.


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## Wellsy (Oct 24, 2011)

If the emotional bond is real, I don't see how it's fake. It's just a more recent thing as such large distanced lovers were slowed by their day's technology where as you can talk real time with a person on the other side of the globe and see them and all.
I do agree with a con though, people usually want some physical intimacy with people they feel attached to and the is really the big hindrance in it all. 
If it couldn't be said to be real, there'd be no real life examples of people who've later built a relationship in person from their online one.


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## Fretful_Mused (Oct 6, 2012)

SuburbanLurker said:


> Says who? You're making assertions with no supporting argument, and experience tells me otherwise.


"Serious" and "proper"...maybe I chose the wrong words to express my opinion there. My view still stands though - you cannot grow to truly love someone if you have never met them. Sure, lasting relationships can be established through the internet but they will not be 100% successful until you bring them into the real world. 

It is only through spending time in the person's company and sharing affection that you can be sure you have a connection with them. The hours spent chatting online can be meaningful but nothing can purely exist on just this alone. I'm sure there are many out there who have struck up relationships online to find upon meeting, there is no definite spark. 

What I am saying is that friendships can start and do exist online - from superficial interactions to deep emotional bonds. I have no doubt that platonic relationships can exist for many years online - even if there is no meet til a long time has passed. 

Romantic relationships are different though in that there is an undeniable need for physical closeness. I'm sure nobody can deny the frustration incurred through not being able to be with their online partner; wanting so much to be by their side, holding them, kissing them, sharing and creating memories in the real world. If these vital needs and desires go unfulfilled for too long, there will be significant cracks appearing: resentment, anger, sadness...Not the greatest of atmospheres in which to continue a stable relationship, no? 

Understand this view is more based on that of online partners who never intend to - or make it difficult - to meet as a couple. Surely, if true love is developed online, the couple in question would be more than willing to meet up in person to progress their relationship and confirm their connection. 

I would be interested to hear from those who are in or have been in an online relationship for the long haul: Did it/Is it working out as well as you hoped when you entered the committment? Love is thought to be based on pure trust and honesty. Do you feel being apart from your partner causes the above emotions or problems in trusting or being open in sharing yourself, completely? 

I am not contributing without having been in a similar situation. Me and my ex boyfriend met online and after finding each other, losing touch and then finding each other again, we spoke for several months before meeting in real life. 

This period of getting to know each other online first was very intense. We would spend many hours speaking to each other over MSN and I developed strong feelings towards him. This can happen so easily when you find someone who you just click with through online conversations. No doubt about it, I was infatuated by him and hoped when we met, we would start a relationship. 

After meeting up for a gig, we remained in a long distance relationship for almost 2 and a half years. I can say that this was a struggle at times - even when I would spend real time with him every other weekend or so. I think that, along with the similar music taste, it was the wealth of affection and intense physical chemistry that made the connection seem deeper. If I had not met my partner, I would not have been able to purely date him online. 

It can be argued that intimacy and physical touch is not needed to make a bond longlasting. In my opinion, it is one of the most vital ingredients in maintaining a happy, healthy and loving relationship. With your partner so far away, you may as well just hug and kiss the computer screen. Where is the satisfaction in that?


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## searcheagle (Sep 4, 2011)

RetroVortex said:


> Heh. You have some good points there! XD
> (Though as much as I would be willing to accept tolerance, the fact I have hundreds if not thousands of games means I go way beyond the average gamer (I even have an arcade machine in my house! XD), and I get annoyed enough as it is being ignored by my family when I try to talk to them about games, (which of course I do ALOT. Its my life's passion afterall! ))
> 
> EDIT: XD I remember this one time I had to get some chocolate for work, and I had a big order and I said to an attractive co-worker "man I wish I could go to this guy's party. Look at the motherload he's packing", and she turned around to me and said "Eugh. I hate chocolate. Its bad for you anyway".
> ...


And here's where I sound mean. You're not going to agree with your partner on every single issue. Even gamers disagree on what games are good and which ones suck. But as long as they respect YOU, they can work out. That being said, even if they don't like games, they should be interested in you enough to hear you talk about them from time to time. Just like you'll have to do with some of their interests that you don't appreciate-except that your gf likes them.


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## petite libellule (Jul 4, 2012)

Yes, I think they are. (provided that both parties are "real" so to speak)

But of course, online relationships are limited. 

and no one can deny that reality.


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## RetroVortex (Aug 14, 2012)

searcheagle said:


> And here's where I sound mean. You're not going to agree with your partner on every single issue. Even gamers disagree on what games are good and which ones suck. But as long as they respect YOU, they can work out. That being said, even if they don't like games, they should be interested in you enough to hear you talk about them from time to time. Just like you'll have to do with some of their interests that you don't appreciate-except that your gf likes them.


Oh no no no! I see exactly what you are saying!
I think the point is, is that I couldn't get on with someone that bluntly shuts down a discussion without sharing a reasonable explanation of their viewpoint. I can respect differences in opinion, hell! I love the idea of alternate viewpoints, (I had a great conversation with an old friend once (an INTJ) on game design and our ideas came from two completely different ends of the spectrum. He approached the game by its mechanics, variating, combining and building on top of existing mechanics, whereas I look at games as an overall experience. Story, music, visual designs/themes, and mechanics that I felt justified that experience. So in short, he builds his ideas up from the mechanics, whereas I create mechanics to blend into the game (well most of the time anyway...). And that is pretty much why I would need a likewise open-minded person. To let the thoughtflow have a good synergy, but not escalate into a full-on argument (so we can just agree to disagree and focus on what we do have in common and our overall feeling for each other)


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## Libra Sun (Sep 7, 2012)

I think emotionally, they are just as real as in person relationships. In my opinion, you don't need a physical presence to feel a kinship with someone. Feelings and connections expand beyond the physical, which is how we form bonds through the internet. Online relationships are just as real as online friendships. 

Of course, online relationships can progress into a physical, in person relationship if both parties are committed and willing to make it happen. While I can completely respect and understand why some may see more cons than pros, I feel that online is just another means of connecting and meeting someone. And just like any relationship, what you get out of it relies on what you put in.


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## SuburbanLurker (Sep 26, 2010)

sheisopaqu3 said:


> "Serious" and "proper"...maybe I chose the wrong words to express my opinion there. My view still stands though - you cannot grow to truly love someone if you have never met them. Sure, lasting relationships can be established through the internet but they will not be 100% successful until you bring them into the real world.
> 
> It is only through spending time in the person's company and sharing affection that you can be sure you have a connection with them. The hours spent chatting online can be meaningful but nothing can purely exist on just this alone. I'm sure there are many out there who have struck up relationships online to find upon meeting, there is no definite spark.
> 
> ...


I agree with and relate to most of this post, but it contradicts what you said in your previous post. Like I said earlier, I do believe romantic relationships need to eventually become physical in order to fulfil our need for intimacy and closeness on a whole; a relationship is ultimately unfulfilling without this. But that's certainly not an absolute prerequisite for having a serious romantic relationship in which two people are dedicated to one another, even if it is for you personally.


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## searcheagle (Sep 4, 2011)

RetroVortex said:


> Oh no no no! I see exactly what you are saying!
> I think the point is, is that I couldn't get on with someone that bluntly shuts down a discussion without sharing a reasonable explanation of their viewpoint. I can respect differences in opinion, hell! I love the idea of alternate viewpoints, (I had a great conversation with an old friend once (an INTJ) on game design and our ideas came from two completely different ends of the spectrum. He approached the game by its mechanics, variating, combining and building on top of existing mechanics, whereas I look at games as an overall experience. Story, music, visual designs/themes, and mechanics that I felt justified that experience. So in short, he builds his ideas up from the mechanics, whereas I create mechanics to blend into the game (well most of the time anyway...). And that is pretty much why I would need a likewise open-minded person. To let the thoughtflow have a good synergy, but not escalate into a full-on argument (so we can just agree to disagree and focus on what we do have in common and our overall feeling for each other)


So, basically to summarize you, you are looking for someone who respects you.... or to use the word that I used: "respects you."

If someone doesn't respect or isn't okay with your hobbies, then you shouldn't be dating them. But if they do respect you and from time indulge you on your hobby, is that something that you could live with?


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## Thinker96 (Feb 24, 2010)

I think online relationships can be just as real as relationships in person. It depends on the people and what their needs are and how they handle it and where it will go in the future. I'm in one right now but meeting is essential to the both of us. We've tried planning visits on either end and ended up deciding on me going there. I will actually be moving there right on christmas eve lol, it should be an awesome christmas.


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## chickydoda (Feb 12, 2010)

Some people online have very polished personalities. They never say anything negative about anyone or anything. They never complain, never show irritation, only post online when they are in a good mood or are self controlled enough to be nice. I think it would be hard to build a relationship or friendship with someone like that, because you don't really know them, you just know a brand, and how they want people to perceive them. I doubt that anyone could maintain such an image in real life.

I think online relationships are somewhat fake without face to face or at least voice interaction. I wouldn't consider someone a very good friend until I've met them in person or skyped them. You don't know them as a whole person before that.


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## searcheagle (Sep 4, 2011)

chickydoda said:


> Some people online have very polished personalities. They never say anything negative about anyone or anything. They never complain, never show irritation, only post online when they are in a good mood or are self controlled enough to be nice. I think it would be hard to build a relationship or friendship with someone like that, because you don't really know them, you just know a brand, and how they want people to perceive them. I doubt that anyone could maintain such an image in real life.
> 
> I think online relationships are somewhat fake without face to face or at least voice interaction. I wouldn't consider someone a very good friend until I've met them in person or skyped them. You don't know them as a whole person before that.


But that's also the difference the between posting on a forum and talking with an online significant other.

If you look at my posts on line, I make a conscious effort to not show a bad side on the public parts of the web. You can't see that I'm up or down, or whether I'm going through rough times or good times. 

But once you form a tight relationship with someone online, you spend so much time with them, and using things like skype, you can see their ups and downs. 

The relationships are only as serious as the participant in it make it. If they treat it as fake or lie through out, than nothing good will come from it. If people involved in it treat it intimately, than you can be even more honest that you would be normally.


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## chickydoda (Feb 12, 2010)

@searcheagle I'm talking more about people who market themselves... people like Rosie Hardy for example. Or people with popular youtube channels, then their own personal websites. Or all I know, people like that have a public personna, that is somewhat censored and fake, then an anonymous username that they use everywhere.

I made the mistake of merging myself online. I have pictures of myself on accounts where I have said honest but negative things. I am very, very honest on here.

It sounds like your doing it right ;-) It's probably too late for me, unless I change my name and get extreme plastic surgery.


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## Kanerou (Oct 8, 2009)

Without reading the rest of the thread:

*puts on the nitpicky hat* Of course they're "real" relationships. They are relationships, no? Perhaps you were wondering if people consider them an acceptable form of relationship? *takes off the nitpicky hat* You can have a strong emotional and romantic connection with someone on the other side of a computer. I wouldn't want to try myself; I prefer having someone there with me.


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## searcheagle (Sep 4, 2011)

chickydoda said:


> @_searcheagle_ I'm talking more about people who market themselves... people like Rosie Hardy for example. Or people with popular youtube channels, then their own personal websites. Or all I know, people like that have a public personna, that is somewhat censored and fake, then an anonymous username that they use everywhere.


Yes, that is why it's dangerous to fall in love with public figures. You don't know what's real and what's fake with them. However, the topic of these posts relates to Online relationships not with people that you only know through public "personal" profiles. And these person profiles are probably generated by a team of PR agents.


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## petite libellule (Jul 4, 2012)

chickydoda said:


> Some people online have very polished personalities. They never say anything negative about anyone or anything. They never complain, never show irritation, only post online when they are in a good mood or are self controlled enough to be nice. I think it would be hard to build a relationship or friendship with someone like that, because you don't really know them, you just know a brand, and how they want people to perceive them. I doubt that anyone could maintain such an image in real life.


well I must admit, for the MOST part ... I really have used this place as "practice" for 'playing nice' and yes, I often won't have a chat with my friends when I'm in a bad mood. You'd have to be one of my closest of friends or SO to be that shoulder, or to hear me "vent" etc. (obviously I slip, but just for the sake of a point). 

I tend to actually consciously think, "what is this persons experience of me". Even with my kid. 
I will think back to when I was a kid and think "what would it be like to have me as my mom right now". 

I often advice people to mind their FB posts. Keep the "venting" and the personal TMI (going through a hard time in life) stuff for friends or a more anonymous place.

I see nothing "fake" about managing my emotions (managing my moods) and practicing self control. OF COURSE, celebrity people or people in the spot light ... I get it.

But for the sake of the average Joe ... don't be discouraged and untrusting of people who put effort in their character.You're an authentic poster and have much more courage than you give yourself credit for. 

*Last Point on Thread Topic ...*

I think that it would be, as they say, to "cut your nose despite your face" if I were to NOT allow myself to value the experience of getting to know the people on this or any other place online, just because of the limitations therein.


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## Uncouth Angel (Nov 26, 2011)

Online chemistry doesn't always translate into chemistry in person, I'm afraid. When you meet someone cool online, get them on the phone, then meet them in person as soon as you can. When relationships age, they either need to die (if they aren't working), or to grow into something else (if they are). The most important lesson I think I've learned about love is that it's a decision and not just a feeling. It's a curious fact that in countries where people marry for love, their passion tends to fade over a period of a few years and divorces follow about half of the time. In countries where marriages are arranged, the love tends to increase over time. 

My sister once confided to me that there was a special zen moment where she realized that she was going to marry her husband, and she described it as being utterly calm. It was comforting, not exciting; a sort of familiarity that withstood sober scrutiny.

I experienced a very similar sort of ease when I was finally able to meet an online friend of mine about two months ago. It was nothing at all like excitement and anxiety of meeting someone from an online dating site. That is not to say it wasn't exciting, only that during the last four years, we'd come to know each other so well that the only thing our meeting could give us was the experience of being in physical proximity. Whether we admitted to it or not, we were already in a relationship, and had been from the start. It was not a "first date" in any sense; it was the long-delayed union of two lovers separated by geography and circumstance. 

But I've been slow to admit it, even to my family or my facebook friends. Noting the change from "Single" to "It's complicated" to "In a relationship" would demand an explanation I didn't feel like giving anyone. It's a paradigm shift of sorts. For the last five years being single and utterly cynical has more or less been my defining trait. A part of me waits for the other shoe to drop. When I'm with her, I'm sometimes afraid I'll start weeping with gratitude.


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## NewBeginning (Oct 8, 2016)

They're not. Every person I have met online has only been a failed fantasy when met in real life, I assure you photographs are never the real thing. This is my personal experience. I can't even be friends with them to tell you the truth. On the other hand I have tried to...it's only been tiring and ingenuine and ultimately a waste of time. I find that I probably would never have I've never these guys a chance had I met them in real life. On the other hand, the friends I've made in real life feel more authentic while talking to them through the mediums as forms of indirect communication. Real introductions will always be the real deal. Online dating is always a gamble that wastes your time instead of letting you live your life.


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