# HELP! ENFJ mom, and INFP daughter always clash!



## chasingdreams (Jul 16, 2011)

My mom is an ENFJ, and I'm an INFP. It's so hard to describe in words, how greatly me and her differ. All I ask for from others is to explain to me a way, in which I can tell her in a peaceful manner that she cannot change my personality, into what she see's fit. I'm not saying that ENFJs, and INFPs can't get along. It may have nothing to do with our personalities, as we share iNtuition and Feeling.

She always bugs me, and says that I should hang out with my friends more often. She teases me, and calls me names such as "bookworm" and the likes of such. She says that my dreams will never be fullfilled, and that I can't be a good artist. It displeases me grealty, but she treats it as a joke, and doesn't think of it much. I'm just wondering of ways to confront her, and explain to her that she should stop. She wants me to be more like her, and she expects only the best from me. 

So, can any of you give me ideas or phrases that will give me a moment to talk to her, and that will catch her attention, so she can listen to me? She always seems to ignore my feelings, and will go on about how she is right whenever I confront her. :crying:


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## Aelthwyn (Oct 27, 2010)

awwww! I wish I could help, but I really don't know how to deal with people like that either. Does she know about personality types? Maybe if you can get into a discussion of them with her it could help her to see differences as acceptible, rather than right and wrong. I know that made a difference for me with my mom.


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## SilentScream (Mar 31, 2011)

I think you should have a heart to heart with her. There is a potential for Fi / Fe clash especially in paternal relationships. 

ENFJ's however are very considerate and giving once they can be convinced of something. But we don't like being outright blamed for being responsible for hurting/harming someone else's feelings. 

Take some time out on one of her better days and when you're also feeling fine and just try to help her understand the differences between INFP's and ENFJ's. You'll have to convince her that being introverted doesn't mean that you're alone because your unhappy, but because being by yourself actually makes you happier. ENFJ's are inherent mentors, therefore they tend to see younger ones as people who need constant guidance and support - it's very hard for us to see past that. Therefore, for her to be able to consider multiple possibilities, she has to first understand her own type's inherent weaknesses - but again, it has to be done in a very calm and patient way.


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## chasingdreams (Jul 16, 2011)

Aelthwyn said:


> awwww! I wish I could help, but I really don't know how to deal with people like that either. Does she know about personality types? Maybe if you can get into a discussion of them with her it could help her to see differences as acceptible, rather than right and wrong. I know that made a difference for me with my mom.


Yes, she does know about personality types, but she doesn't really think of them much. Thank you anyways


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## chasingdreams (Jul 16, 2011)

Jawz said:


> I think you should have a heart to heart with her. There is a potential for Fi / Fe clash especially in paternal relationships.
> 
> ENFJ's however are very considerate and giving once they can be convinced of something. But we don't like being outright blamed for being responsible for hurting/harming someone else's feelings.
> 
> Take some time out on one of her better days and when you're also feeling fine and just try to help her understand the differences between INFP's and ENFJ's. You'll have to convince her that being introverted doesn't mean that you're alone because your unhappy, but because being by yourself actually makes you happier. ENFJ's are inherent mentors, therefore they tend to see younger ones as people who need constant guidance and support - it's very hard for us to see past that. Therefore, for her to be able to consider multiple possibilities, she has to first understand her own type's inherent weaknesses - but again, it has to be done in a very calm and patient way.



Thank you very much . This helps a lot, and I'll try to explain to her in a peaceful manner, as soon as I find the right time to do so. By the way, I agree with how ENFJs are inherent mentors, and how they tend to see younger people as ones who need guidance. My mom has always given me guidance, and she has given me support, but at the same time the support she's given me all the time, was when I would be doing something that would be pleasing her.

Anyways, thanks once again for sparing your time, and explaining to me a way in which I can approach her .


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## Little breeze (8 mo ago)

chasingdreams said:


> Thank you very much . This helps a lot, and I'll try to explain to her in a peaceful manner, as soon as I find the right time to do so. By the way, I agree with how ENFJs are inherent mentors, and how they tend to see younger people as ones who need guidance. My mom has always given me guidance, and she has given me support, but at the same time the support she's given me all the time, was when I would be doing something that would be pleasing her.
> 
> Anyways, thanks once again for sparing your time, and explaining to me a way in which I can approach her .


Hi there. It's the same for me here. I'm an INFP daughter who's been living with an ENFJ mom for 20 years. And I was having a hard time putting up with all sorts of nagging-why can't you make friends? why can't you come outside and wander around? why do you always stick your nose into books? Your behaviour doesn't match your peers.......etc. 

But I should mention here that she was the person who helped me unleash my full potential. She always kept pushing my limits, telling me to do things and aim higher and higher, and thanks to her- I've made it into medical school, can speak 6 languages and won a few national awards in my country for solo singing, creative writing and even public speaking!
Believe it or not, I ran off stage at 4 years old as I forgot my lines in the middle of my speech, and even developed a trauma so that I couldn't speak on stage for the next 13 long years- but my ENFJ mom encouraged me so hard to overcome that trauma and rediscover my potential and win the bronze medal as a national finalist in that year's public speaking contest.

It's quite hard to compromise with her at times and she's always one the reasons that make me cry. But she is also one of the biggest reason why I can laugh and smile happily and life carefree. 

So embrace your mom even if she can't match up emotionally. Throughout my life I had always ended up doing things just because I can, not because I wanted; and it's sad to think about it. Yet, looking at things from my mom's perspective, she always wanted things to turn out the best for me so that I can survive safely among the quite scary and competitive society out there.


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