# Fiction and Critism



## Kristal (Feb 14, 2011)

Hey, okay, so this was a chapter I have once written. The story is about a couple. He was a superstar and she was no one, his manager set them up and he believed her to have cheated on him. In an argument, where he got violent, she miscarried and this is a chapter wherein she deals with that. Lately, I feel like unsatisfied with it, I feel as if it is not real, the way she deals with it. Okay... it's a bit long, but I still hope someone would tell me his or her opinion, still



*~A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. But...there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that's how awful the loss is!~ *- Neugeboren 1976, 154



It had been so long, so many years have gone by, but somehow she still couldn't let go. She had never been able to deal with it, never had she moved on. It was just so hard, but how easy could it be to let go from her child. Her child had been her only light, her angel, coming in her time of need and gave her new courage and desire to live. An angel, came to free her from her darkness and gave her wings of hope, to fly away from the dark hole, she had caged herself in. But it did not end like this.

He had taken her everything away. Her heart and love, broken. Her dignity, tramped on. Her soul, tainted and lastly, he had even taken her hope away. She still remembered the night, she became conscious again. Ariella closed her eyes and drifted back to the day.



_White. Everything was white. How weird, she thought. 'cause the last thing she could remember was black. She still remembered how everything turned black around her.

"Miss, you finally woke up? I am going to call the doctor." the nurse said. Ariella only grasped slowly, where she was. Everything was so blurry. She couldn't recall the each detail, only small fragments were found in her head. Slowly, but surely, she put each piece together and finally got the whole recap of past events. Images of the last night flew through her head and she became painfully aware of the situation she was in now. The scar on her heart was still bleeding and it did not seem to end. 

Ariella breathe in and out. Then something occurred her!

"Nurse!" she turned over to the woman, who observed her worriedly.

"Yes?" Ariella saw the worry in them and noticed how her eyes were getting moist. They came automatically, every time she was reminded of it. 

"I-" instinctively her hands went to her stomach and embraced it protectively. What had happened. Her thoughts were directed solely her child. 

"I am going to get the doctor. He would surely know more than me and he say more about your state." the elderly woman smiled lightly, but when she turned around, her mask fell and she sighed inwardly. She knew exactly what was going on with the young lady, but she was unable to bring herself to deliver her the news. She was just so young, she thought sadly, far too young.

"Wait!" The nurse turned around. "Can you tell me who brought me here? I would like to thank the person." she lied.

"Oh I'm sorry, but you were brought here with a cab. The driver said that the man had paid him for it, that he drove you here and delivered you here, but a name he did not mention." 

That did not surprise Ariella, but it was okay. After all, it was not something she should be saddened about. She nodded only and concentrated back to her child. 
She waited with great anticipation for the arrival of the doctor. The longer the nurse needed, the more anxious she became. Her worries and fears grew monumentally. Maybe she was worrying too much. Surely nothing bad could have happened; surely she was only too stressed and couldn't cope with it all. She tried to distract herself with other things, but it was to no use. For deep down in her, she knew she could not bear it, if it was really the case. The separation with Layton was an already great blow for her and she was not sure, whether she could ever recover from it and if this would also...

"Miss Bristol? 
"Doctor." she was so deep in thought that she had not noticed how he entered the room. Quickly she dried her eyes. 

"How are you doing?" he asked as they both shook hands.

"Ah, well, I'm a bit nervous. Could you please tell me the state of my child? Please?" Ariella's hand was shaking a little. In fact her whole body was trembling out of anticipation. The doctor sighed, when she asked him the question. Her anxiousness grew again and she was near fainting again due to her worries.

"Doc?" she asked quietly. This couldn't mean anything good and yet she could not help but holding tightly on her hopes. 

He looked her into the eyes and Ariella got the answer she wanted, and for the second time in that day, her world broke down._




~When a parent dies, you lose your past; when a child dies, you lose your future.~




When her child died, a part of her died, too. It felt like as if the last pieces of her heart, who were destined to raise her child up with love, were also torn apart. Painfully and forced. She never got over it. She carried it around like a burden, and even if it may have worked for some time, it had been only a small period of time. Up until he reentered her life. It had been like a stroke, when Larina told her of it. She had tried to say, but in the end, it was her again who was lying battered and broken on the ground.

The only reason why she could still stand was Larina and Kale. The couple had been her only shore. She didn't know whether she would have been able to face everything, if it had not been them. She owed them so much, too much to be ever able to repay it. Not in this lifetime, not in the other. Sometimes, when she woke up and thought of herself to be all alone, that neither of them had really existed, but were a product of her imagination. She needed both of them in her life, she needed them by her side.

It did not help her that her nightmares, along him returned back into her life. They had plagued her since quite some time, but for a while she could really claim that she had let go of them. She regretted it from the deep of her heart that it was not the truth. The nightmares visited her over and over again and that was his fault. He was like a wildfire, which only brought trouble along. He spread damage and sorrow everywhere where he went and left nothing but beautiful memories for the torment.

It was his face which bothered her the most. The eyes, she had once loved so much. Those lips, she had kissed countless times. His high cheekbones. His expression. Everything of his face hold a memory. Ariella could not stand it. But what bothered her the most was the fact that his face could have been the one of her child's. She had always imagined how their child would look like or in this case, would have looked like, for even after her lost she had not stopped dreaming and imaging, still wondering.
A child, a girl or a boy, with his blond hair, his sea-green eyes and with expressive face. And it was exactly this face that afflicted her in her dreams.



_It was dark. Everything was dark. Darkness surrounded her, it was everywhere and made sure causing her to lose sight, not being able to recognize anything. She could feel the prickling on her skin. She felt lost in this emptiness, so lonely. Why was she here? She did not understand it. No light was seen, it seemed to be hopeless. She tried to go on, but she didn't know where. She tried to make something out, but she didn't know what. The darkness seemed so eminent, it seemed to absorb everything in her, it seemed everywhere, leaving no place for anything else.

"Is someone there?" a person asked. It was a small voice, but big enough to pierce through the darkness, reaching her. 

"I am here." Ariella tried to say. Like a mist the clouds dissolved and Ariella began to see something. 

There!

A shadow! 

Outlines of a small person. Who was she? Is this a dream?

"Who are you?" What does this dream mean? Why was she here? It made no sense, yet the voice inside of her forced her to go on, knowing that there was more behind it. She knew, this was not something trivial. 

"I know you." the darkness parted, slowly, but surely and Ariella could see more of the outlines of the person, who standing hidden behind the thick dark mist.

"How do you know?" The person, apart from her, was the only living being here. She needed this contact. She didn't want to be alone.

"I know you. I have heard your voice once before." Ariella could see more now. She had the weight of a little child, but neither by her voice nor through her outlines could she define whether it was a boy or a girl.

"Where have you heard it?" Ariella asked again., but she was ignored.
"I love the sound of your voice. I like listening to it. It soothes me, you know. Especially when I am all alone here." the voice explained. "I am scarred in the darkness, you have to know, but when I hear you, I am not scarred anymore. I want to be strong, so you can be proud of me."

"Who are you?" Ariella asked again, this time her voice more brokenly. She was shivering, as if her conscious knew the answer to the question
.
"And I love listening to your heartbeat. It beats in accordance with my own. It reminds me of a lullaby." Tears gathered in her eyes and she knew at once who this little person was. The realization hit her like a hammer, but the child did not seem to take notice of it, instead it continued talking

"Can you sing me a lullaby? I have never heard you sing, you never sang to me." The last part was tinged with accusation,
"I'm sorry."

"You sound so sad. I rarely hear you laugh. Why are you so sad? That makes me sad, too and when you cry, I cry, too. Why are you crying so much? Why are you so sad? Is it because of that man?"

"Which man?" she wanted to ask, but her voice was quivering far too much. She could barely contain herself.

"That bad man. He sounds so cold and heartless. Whenever I hear you, you get so sad. He is hurting you. Who is that man? He is scarring me, I fear him more than the darkness, here." 

"You don't need to fear."

"Why are you always so sad? You cry?" Ariella tried to pull herself together, but she always began to cry. "Am I making you sad?" she shook her head. "I want you to be happy. I always want you to be happy. Why aren't you happy? Why can't I make you happy? Why don't you love me?"

"But I do love you."

"Lie! Why did you leave me all alone? Why had you let him come and take me away? He is hurting me, but you didn't care!"
"I-"

"You left me all alone!" the child suddenly began to scream. "You had left me. You had let him hurt me. It hurts! I don't want to be alone, anymore. I want a family, like any other kid. I want to have a mummy, who loves me and sings me lullabies. I want a daddy, who tells me bedtime-story and protects me from everything here. I want to be happy." The words, spoken from a petite fragile voice, which was now near breaking, was even for Ariella too much.

"I want you to stay here and protect me, when I am scarred. So much." Ariella wanted to go the her child and embrace her in her arms. She wanted to hold him, like how she had always wished to do. But like in real life, her wish was left unanswered. She couldn't move from her spot. Like glued to the spot, she stood there, left to watch, while her child was begging for her.

"You want to hug me, don't you." 

She tried to nod and it was the only thing she was able to do. 

"I want, too, that you hug me, but you can't. No matter how much we want it, it is refused to us. It will always be like this. I know it, for I have dreamed of a life with you together for such a long time. I want to spend life with you, so badly, mummy. When I wake up, I want yo next to me. When I laugh, I want to know that you are there. When I eat, I want to taste your food and when I sleep, I wish you with me." 

Ariella listened in silence, she had to listen to how her child spoke her own untold desires out loud. A part of her made it happy, but another part, a bigger part, wished to have never knew it, for the greater was the bitterness over how unfair the world was. 

"But that is never going to happen, right?" she approached her, closing the distance between them. "My wish are always going to be wishes. You will be forever unattainable for me, just like I for you and I will be forever lingering in the shadows and desire for you. You are going to part, soon, leaving me alone, like you did, years ago. You go back into your life and forget all about me, while I am here and wish, my mama will comfort me. Always, will I ask myself, why? Why are you doing this to me, mummy?"

"I'm so sorry." Ariella sobbed and her knees caved in. "I'm so sorry." she whisper again and again.

"You have abandoned me in the darkness. You are so selfish! That is so mean of you." she sobbed. "I am so lonely. Why are you doing this to me? Why don't you want me, mummy? Please, stay here!" Now the child began to cry, too. Ariella wanted to comfort her, she lifted her arms to grab after her, but she was too late. The mist appeared again and enveloped her child.

"Mummy, mummy. Don't let them come, please. I don't want to be alone, anymore.

Please, stay with me." her child begged. 

"Mummy! HELP ME!" she cried.
"NOOOO!"

She was too late.

Again._



"Ariella?" Larina was standing next to the door. She opened her eyes. How long had she been staying there, she did not know, but according to her look, she had heard enough.

"Hey." her lips were still trembling, as she whispered the word softly over her lips and greeted her friend. She tried to force a smile upon her mouth, but it didn't work, no matter how hard she tried.
"Angel," was everything Ariella heard and before she knew it, Larina was by her side with her arms around her.

"I am fine." Ariella tried to make her believe.
Then why are you crying?

Ariella tried to wipe them away, but they continued coming and coming.
"I am fine." Ariella repeated again, but even to her it sounded unbelievably. Her mouth was dry, her voice weak, which could also be blamed on the lump in her throat. Ariella was still clinging on her stomach. She felt as if something was eating her stomach on the inside out and that only the feeling of emptiness was left.

"It's okay to cry." Larina whispered into her back.

And she did. Silently she let her tears fall. Larina couldn't see it, but she could feel the uncontrolled trembles from her. She could even feel the silent cry.
Then, after some time had went by, she stepped away from her. She wanted to look her friend into the face.

"What you are doing is not healthy." She took her chin and raised it gently, so Ariella would look into her eyes. Ariella pushed the hand under her chin away. She did not want to face the look in those eyes. Had she thought, Ariella wouldn't know it? Of course, she did. Maybe it was healthy to let go, and maybe this was where the problem lay.

"You should let go." Larina said.

"I know." Ariella answered back. "I know. How could I not. But it is too hard. It had been such a big part of me. I was nothing, only a mere shadow of who I once used to be. I wasn't me anymore and there hadn't been any hope for me anymore. My child, for it alone, I wanted to go on, she was the only thing in my life, which was worth anything. It had been the only thing, which was worth fighting for, but …” 
Ariella couldn't prevent the tears, which were falling gliding down her cheeks and as much as she wanted to stop them, she could no. the sorrow took hold of her and kept her in vise-like grip. 
For so many years, she had lied to herself, ignoring the chains, pretended, as if it existent at all and now, where everything is out and she couldn't do it anymore, as if she was strong, she let everything which had been kept, run wild. She cried the tears, whose she had abdicated for quite some time. She revealed the world of her deep mourning for the deprivations. Larina took her into an embrace.

"It shouldn't have died, it shouldn't have. It should have lived." she whispered obsessively between sobs.

"I know, angel. I know." she let her friend cry, while she squeezing her softly in her arms and stroked her back. It had been a sweet act of hers. But she did not see it like this.

Larina punished herself for it, because she had not seen it earlier, it was something she should have done times ago. Her friend needed nothing, but a friend, someone, who listened to her, hugged her, while she was being assured that everything was going to become fine. Again and again, she could slap herself for it.

"Larina?"

"Mm, what is it?" she asked, while Larina was still lying between her arms.

"Do you think I would have made a good mother?" The question was like a stab in Larina's heart. It was already too much for her to see her beloved friend in this state.
So desperate, so bitter, so utterly broken…

"Angel..."

"Answer me the question." Ariella pleaded, almost in an absent tone.
"You know how unhealthy this is for you." The answer would only hurt her more, for it would make her painfully realize that it would never be. For it was only a wish-thinking. 

A dream.

A lost dream.

She would never know, for this child would never again get the chance to see the light of this world. She was torn in-between. She wanted to do her friend a favor and assure her, tell her about how wonderful she would have been as a mother, but on the other hand, she didn't want her friend to shed more tears, knowing, that what would have been so beautiful, would never be reality. But Ariella only needed to whisper one little word, to break Larina's iron determination.

"Please."

"Of course." Everything in her broke at the sight of her friend.
"Of course." she whispered, louder this time. "Of course, silly. I am sure you would have made a great mother. You would have been the best mother, ever. You would have given your child all your love, I am sure of that and your child would have known it, too. 

It would have loved you, simply for being its mother. That alone, was enough." Larina had much more to say, but for Ariella's sake she stopped. The images played before their eyes. It showed the future, which Ariella had called her own upon a time, but was now only her beautiful dream or also, her nightmare. The picture was so vivid, filled with happiness. Ariella could imagine all the beautiful time, the terrible time and she would give everything to only witness, to only really pretend that this was reality and not illusion.
"You have to let go."
"But I don't know how." Ariella answered in desperation. "I can't accept that I would never be a part of this life." she admitted and clung onto the shirt of her friend.
She cried... and cried.

She didn't know for how long, but she knew, that it was more than minutes that passed. She felt warmth next to her, a big hand stroking her back. Even without turning around she knew, who it was. She didn't ask she just enjoyed the comfort; both of her friends gave her.

She cried everything out, her sorrow open to see for her friend and judge. She cried hours, those sorrow out, which she carried inside of her for so long. It felt relieving and there was only one thing at that moment, which could make her smile happily, the fact that her friends were holding her and assisting her in her time of distress, that made her happy in a way not even she could understand. After the hours flew by, she had returned back to her sleep. The tears have not stopped, but at least far from the knowledge of sorrow and lost, let Larina breathe out with a lighter heart.

"Come on, we carry her back into her bed." Kale whispered to her. She nodded and carried her away. She had deserved any rest she could get in that moment. To see her like this today, everything bared about how it looked like for years in her inside had been for years, had been another blow to her. So fragile so broken on the ground, let her know the truth for which she had been blind for so long. Her eyes, moist and swollen by her own tears, she had shed for her friend, looked over to her boyfriend.
He was standing on the door-frame, watching both women. One, lying on the bed, the beautiful face adorned by tears of sorrow, like a broken angel and the other standing like a goddess, a patron, over her in order to protect the broken angel.


----------



## Ylajali (Mar 27, 2011)

You should probably fix the title. Not many editors are willing to read beyond a mistake like that


----------



## carson (Jan 21, 2011)

All points understood. The thing with dreams is that they never die though and Ariella probably knows this, since this short story is a compressed novel, approx. 9 chapters, 6 outlined here, ending still open. I enjoyed the climax around 3/4 length and the intermittant echo effect. Some well known authors could learn from you. Poetry, realism and romance. Pretty powerful brew.


----------

