# How do you pursue & want to be pursued by a romantic interest?



## hopeless dreamer (Nov 10, 2011)

I hear people say the following: "You shouldn't chase." "You should chase." or "It should be a give and take situation." I'm beginning to think we have different ways of wanting to be pursued and how we pursue romantic interest. 

Just curious to see what others have to say to the following 2 questions: 

_*1.) How do I pursue:*_

I give loads of compliments. I also pay close attention to their likes and dislikes. I give them something that fits their likes and isn't easy to come by. I pursue by making them feel like they are the best and encourage them in their endeavors. I will also ask them out and flirt heavily. I usually do not touch because I'm afraid of being to forceful. I rather they do the touching. 


_*2.) How do I want to be pursued:*_

I like when the person initiates interest first. I don't go looking and it's more meaningful when someone shows me interest first. It's not playing hard to get. It's just that I'd rather let the person decide if they like me first. They can show me this by simply seeking out and enjoying my company. They find ways for us to do things together. They constantly touch me and remember things that are very important to me. They really appreciate and encourage the little things I do for them.


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## OrangeAppled (Jun 26, 2009)

People definitely have different ways of pursuing and needing to be pursued. And that's fine. I don't think there should be or needs to be strict rules. I think it might be some indicator of compatibility in other ways if your preferences in this area complement each other too.

*How do I pursue:*
Well, I don't initiate or chase people. The best I can give is a glance in your direction, purposely putting myself in your way, . I get embarrassed easily though and can be obtuse when it comes to flirting, so I admit I am bad at sending signals. This has been a real obstacle for me with dating...

My reciprocation is really THE sign. If I don't return your romantic interest, then I'll let you know. Once there is some mutual interest established, then I initiate in the usual ways. I'll be rather direct then. I'll call, text, email, engage in banter, compliment you, let you know I'd like to see you, etc. Once I'm actually dating someone, I can still be slow to warm, but there is still a contrast with it and my usual behavior. 

I know people pick up on it, because even _before_ my ESFP ex & I officially started dating, other people told us they could see the chemistry.

*How do I want to be pursued:*
I really am at a point where I like directness. Sure, there can be initial friendly exchanges where vibes can be picked up on & interest can grow, but instead of sending endless hints & waiting for the planets to align, I'd prefer the guy just take the dive. Make your interest known.


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## RandomlyChildish (Oct 15, 2011)

> How do I pursue:


I will secretly find out what they like or dislike. I will observe them. I will not make the first move because I want to make sure that I won't annoy them.



> How do I want to be pursued:


I want that person to show interest in me so obvious that I can immediately sense it. Take things slowly, not too fast.


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## pumpkins (Feb 2, 2012)

_How do I pursue:_
First of all, I become obsessed. It's a problem that I have. I learn their schedule, I memorize their facebook likes, I find out everything about the person I can without anyone noticing anything. I find out more about his likes (e.g. music), in case it ever comes up in a conversation so that I can chime in and it can be all like "What, you like them too? No way!" If our looks meet across the room, I smile at him and then turn away. (I haven't over-analyzed why I do that yet and I don't think it's in any way effective, but it's kind of my move.) If we get to talk a bit in a group, I try to be nice and funny, but it's always harder to completely be yourself when it counts.

_How do I want to be pursued:_
Not directly. I want it to be a gradual thing. If someone just told me they liked me, I would probably think someone put him up to it. (Another problem that I have.) I'd like to become friends with him first because I've always kind of felt like that's the basis for every good relationship. I don't want to ever be with someone who I can't consider a good friend.


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## unico (Feb 3, 2011)

*How Do I Pursue:* 
I also become obsessed and try to find out the person's likes/dislikes. I don't change who I am or fake who I am, but I will emphasize the things we have in common. I will also show interest in his likes I'm not familiar with, but this is also not fake because I will be genuinely interested in what the person I like likes.

*
How I Want to Be Pursued:* 
I'm not really sure... If I'm not interested in the person I get caught up in how I should let them down. If I do want to be pursued I am more open to things like affection and compliments. I agree at this point in time I'd like the person to at least be semi-direct.


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## Tim Knight (Feb 5, 2010)

_*1.) How do I pursue:*_
I dont, all my girlfriends asked me out except my first... If i like someone though i may have a hard time looking away or i may act a little more coy around them. I may unintentionally ease drop and find similar interests or disinterests, if i hear a lot of stuff that i dont care about or have strong objections that attraction can vanish very quickly.


_*2.) How do I want to be pursued:*_

I want them to do the hard work lol, if you try to force me to ask the big question then i have to do a lot of mental pushing and pulling to adjust my life to a new relationship, if i dont have enough time, they may think im not interested, but if they ask me out im forced to say yes or no. Also if they pursue me i know they at least like me if i pursue them i might second guess how they feel.


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## IAmOrangeToday (Sep 30, 2011)

1.) I'm a wimp and I fear rejection terribly, compounded by the fact I'm always friends with her. If I love you and I can be there with you and for you as a friend, that's better than blowing it all with a weak attempt at a relationship which will either embassy us or end in flames leaving us broken internally and not seeing eachother again... (cuts off Si)

So more to the point, when I like you I just light up around you, I go out of my way to see you, I text you and IM you. I love to be with you, noticeably moreso than with other girls.

2.) basically the same as I'd do, except that she's more leading, more organised and virtually asks me out.


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## OrangeAppled (Jun 26, 2009)

OrangeAppled said:


> The best I can give is a glance in your direction, purposely putting myself in your way, .


I didn't finish this sentence :frustrating: . Let's just say I give indirect signs. I don't pick up on hints too well, or I convince myself otherwise if I do, but I myself am likely a hinter. This is why I prefer the other person to be direct.


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## hopeless dreamer (Nov 10, 2011)

OrangeAppled said:


> I didn't finish this sentence :frustrating: . Let's just say I give indirect signs. I don't pick up on hints too well, or I convince myself otherwise if I do, but I myself am likely a hinter. This is why I prefer the other person to be direct.


Could you ever get out of your comfort zone and do the pursuing? 

Say you were friends for quite sometime and started developing feelings for that person. How would you relay to the person that you would want to change your relationship from friendship to mate?


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## OrangeAppled (Jun 26, 2009)

hopeless dreamer said:


> Could you ever get out of your comfort zone and do the pursuing?
> 
> Say you were friends for quite sometime and started developing feelings for that person. How would you relay to the person that you would want to change your relationship from friendship to mate?


I don't think I would do it cold turkey, where I just come in out of nowhere and drop that bomb on someone, and I wouldn't expect nor even recommend that full approach. I think I might start sending those subtle signs of a romantic interest and see if they respond at all, and if they seem to respond, then I might send stronger signs & so on & so forth. I think you have to take it upon yourself to begin to change the dynamic of the relationship, so there's romantic vibes & not just platonic ones. 

I think my main concern would become not having it turn into a friend-with-benefits situation, as I never desire that, so at some point, if it became clear that they returned the interest, then I would want to establish that I am interested in dating. I can see the difficulties and awkwardness in such situations, and I don't imagine I'd be the smoothest person at initiating that transition, but I think with a friend, initiating might be easier than with a total stranger. I guess when I am friends with someone, it's partly because they are kind and understanding people, not ones to reject cruelly or mock.

I have never been in that situation, though, honestly.


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## Sunfox (Apr 11, 2011)

Where are all the ENFPs? (;


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## locofoco (Apr 5, 2011)

*How I pursue*
If it's a friend, I typically don't pursue, out of fear of rejection. If it's not a friend, I typically don't pursue, out of fear of rejection. :/

*How I want to be pursued*
I usually don't realize someone likes me unless they bluntly tell me so. D: I could write out a bunch of ways about how I'd ideally like to be pursued, but if someone did any of those things, it'd probably go clear over my head because I'm too oblivious. Also, the dating things like playing hard to get and such aren't that appealing to me. It'd be nice and refreshing if someone just walked up to me and said, "Would you like to go out for coffee tomorrow afternoon?" where it's impossible to interpret in any way but a romantic way. I think it's hot to be that decisive and assertive.


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## Geoffrey (Jan 27, 2012)

hopeless dreamer said:


> I'm beginning to think we have different ways of wanting to be pursued and how we pursue romantic interest.


-Yes, we do. What's more, sometimes those ways aren't just a little different but totally opposite. Even worse than that, sometimes the same person acts inconsistently in regard to the pursuit/pursuing.​ -Since I know my written voice sometimes comes across as if I were a big jerk (not what I intend) instead of as supportive but humorous (which is what I intend), let me preface my comments by saying that I think your "pursuit style" is clear and endearing. All right, now that I said that . . . .
-There is no wrong way to pursue. However, it's a good idea to adjust your pursuit style in such a way as to catch the kind of person you actually want to catch (you'd change your bait if you kept catching the wrong fish or did not catch any fish, right?). It's a whole goal-oriented thing. As with any relationship, communication is key. In other words, _ask _the other person what they want and _tell _the other person what you want. Expectation of mind-reading is probably the #1 relationship killer and cause of unrequited love, and yet we are all taught to expect it. Encage telepathy in bad science fiction films!
-Know yourself. Check out PersonalityPage and read the relevant sections on relationships and personal growth (it's in with the portraits). Do you know his/her MBTI type? If so, I guess you have some more reading to do ; ) Research attachment styles (these make a huge difference in how one interacts with others). Learn your "love language." Check out 5LoveLanguages. They have a quiz. That guy or girl you like--learn his or her love language. Now, here's the kicker, speak to them using the love language HE or SHE prefers (not the love language you prefer). Ask him or her to speak to you in the love language YOU prefer (not the love language he or she prefers). In thinking about love languages, remember that while all are nice, if you ask yourself, "What can I live without?" you'll probably hone in on your top one or two love languages. Before my wife and I knew about this tool, we both held fundamental misunderstandings about the way the other loved. As an ISTJ, she loves primarily through "acts of service" (working/chores). As an INFP, I love primarily through "physical touch" (emotional connection through touch) and "words of affirmation" (saying things like, "I love you"). Since you are an NF type, you probably understand my perspective, so let me explain my wife's perspective. She doesn't feel loved unless I do lots of chores and spend lots of time working. If (when) I fail to do these things, she feels as neglected as I would if I did not receive physical touch or hear, "I love you." Talk. Communicate. Relationships only last as long as both people are willing to work on them. Similarly, they will not start at all without communication.
-Below, I answer your questions, but first I thought I'd also respond to your pursuit style the way 1. I would have as an unattached teenager, and 2. I theoretically would fifteen years, later. Hopefully, you will see that his or her response is not indicative of some failure to correctly pursue them on your part. It's him or her, not you. You can only control _your _behaviors. You can't control your feelings (unless you want to explode), his or her feelings, or his or her behaviors (including reactions to your behaviors). So just be yourself. That's the _only _way to find someone who will love you for being _you_/yourself. If you modify your behavior (put on a mask) in order to attract a particular person, that person is really being attracted by someone who isn't you (they fall in love with the mask instead of the person wearing it). What happens when you take off the mask? You probably don't want to have to play a role for the duration of the relationship. You shouldn't have to. You don't _need _to. I know _for certain_ that you _will _meet someone (likely several someones) who will love you for being you. You'll still have to work on communication and the relationship, but that's always the case. Just get out there and leave the mask at home. 


hopeless dreamer said:


> _*1.) How do I pursue:*_





hopeless dreamer said:


> I give loads of compliments. I also pay close attention to their likes and dislikes. I give them something that fits their likes and isn't easy to come by. I pursue by making them feel like they are the best and encourage them in their endeavors. I will also ask them out and flirt heavily. I usually do not touch because I'm afraid of being to forceful. I rather they do the touching.



-1. (Immature) Response of Teenage (HS Senior-College Frosh) (Jerk) Self: 
What's with the compliments? Is she trying to make me feel awkward? She seems a little desperate . . . . Does she like me? What kind of person would like _me_? There must be something wrong with _her_. But she likes everything I like. Then again, that's kind of weird, too. And she keeps telling me that I'm the best. Clearly, her judgment is off. I _know _I'm _not _the best. I also don't care about that. And why is she asking me out? Does she think I'm not macho enough to ask her out? OMG, she has no respect for me! And she's also seems kind of slutty. And yet she won't touch me. What a tease!
-2. (Mature) Current (Theoretical) Response:
When I hear her compliments, I know that she means them, is supportive and caring, and is confident. I feel affirmed by her words, and I want to reciprocate. I notice that she notes my dislikes and likes, not to accommodate, but to find mutually satisfying common ground. Her gift/action shows me that she knows who I am. She appreciates me. I appreciate her kindness. She encourages me to do my best, to be the best person I can be. What more can anyone ask for? She takes the initiative, so I know she is interested. That also fuels my desire to pursue her. She flirts, so I know know she is confident, sensual, and not afraid to express her emotions. I recognize that she is inviting me to chase her. She is telling me that she will accept (not reject) my touch. That inspires me to get close to her. I want to be in her life, and I want her to be in mine.


hopeless dreamer said:


> Could you ever get out of your comfort zone and do the pursuing?


 -Yes. However, if I've been living in the "comfort zone" (aka "friend zone") for a while, I realize I am risking a friendship (possibly multiple friendships) by pursuing. I would handle this as I say, below.


hopeless dreamer said:


> Say you were friends for quite sometime and started developing feelings for that person. How would you relay to the person that you would want to change your relationship from friendship to mate?


 -I would relay it in much the same way you do: "You and I have been friends for quite some time, and I've started developing feelings for you. I am interested in pursuing a relationship with you. I value our friendship, so if you are not interested in changing our relationship, I will only hear, 'I want to stay the kind of friends we are.' If you don't feel ready to respond right now, that's fine. I won't behave differently than your friend until I hear that you want more than that. However, since I am interested in you, I hope you are interested in me in the same way." Hopefully, this theoretical woman doesn't let me get through that whole thing without an answer. 


hopeless dreamer said:


> Just answer the damn questions!


 -Lol. I know you didn't really say that. I wrote it.
-1. How I pursue:
I would engage her in conversation in order to determine whether she has the "I can't live without" characteristics I'm looking for. I would then tell her, "I am intrigued by your empathy, kindness, and warmth, and I am interested in pursuing a relationship with you." If she is interested, I would get to know her, verbally affirm her and communicate how I feel, touch her affectionately, actively encourage her in her undertakings, support her emotionally and actively when things get rough, give her space when she needs it, give her quality time when she needs it, make romantic gestures or give gifts I know she will like, flirt with her, try to make her laugh, and listen when she expresses her feelings. 
-2. How I want to be pursued:
I hear and feel love, so I need clear (secure) communication and touch. I would most appreciate someone who tries to see things from the perspective of who I am and who communicates with that in mind. She would seek to accompany me on mutually-satisfying activities. She would at least occasionally initiate romance (so I don't always have to chase). She would open up to me. 
-Every relationship is different. Pursue. Don't pursue. Do a little of each. What really matters is the motivation behind the action or inaction. And the only way to find out what actions (or inactions) mean is to talk to the person behind those actions. That's what matters. If you want to know whether someone likes you, ask them. Yeah, your feelings will be hurt if they don't, but you'll know they don't. And then you can keep looking for the person who _does _like you. But, you never know, that person might just like you for being you, after all.
-Good luck!


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## locofoco (Apr 5, 2011)

I'd like to amend my answer a bit. lol Today a guy approached me in a class, and I noticed that the way he went about flirting turned me off completely. It wasn't necessarily a bad approach, but it just did nothing for me. What he did was he made his interest too known. It was just extremely obvious that when he spoke to me his entire intention was attraction, and for me it felt like he skipped a few steps. I'd like for there to be a bit of a cushion between blatant displays of attraction or flirting and the initial encounter. (Ugh, I feel like I'm writing some sort of textbook, but I just came back from classes, so bear with the awkward wording. haha) 

Basically what'd would work best with me is an acquaintanceship at first. I don't want to be the person's friend necessarily because that would make the relationship seem a bit too platonic, but a relationship that is not quite friends but definitely not strangers with the premise of attraction. Before there's blatant flirting, something like developing a relationship that's not-quite friends but has some form of sexual tension. Like, we're not speaking to each other because we want to be friends, but because we're both interested in each other yet are testing the waters and trying to figure out who we are as people. We'll talk about our opinions on pop culture or favorite academic subjects, but doing so with the pretense that we're both attracted to each other, if that makes sense. There needs to be a little foundation to the relationship other than "wow you're attractive and I want to go out a date with you." An assessment of each other or some sort of preliminary period, in other words.

But still, if there's any hope of the relationship going anywhere after that, the other person would have to be more take charge about it and make the first move, because I'll be too reserved to do that.


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## Geoffrey (Jan 27, 2012)

[email protected]_hopeless dreamer_ : You posted in the NF forum, so I'll presume we're talking about NFs. I thought of a few more resources to point out. Have you checked out the relationship section of each NF type on PersonalityPages? 


ENFJ: ENFJ Relationships
ENFP:ENFP Relationships
INFJ: INFJ Relationships

INFP: INFP Relationships

The personal growth sections are also very helpful. If you read each description, you will be able to identify potential sticking areas that cause NF types to pass by each other because they misinterpret communication or have conflicting desires.
-----I came across this description on INFPs, recently, and thought of the probelm you posed: "INFps are genuinely selfless in relationships – *if they love you, they will never act on it unless they are sure you want them to love you*. As a result, dating can present many stumbling blocks (especially for the males of this type). True hopeless romantics, they want a storybook love life. However, they can be incredibly insecure. As a result, *most will never take the first initiative*. (Or the second, or the third, or the… you get my drift.) The INFp desire to be romanced, to be taken into love gracefully, rather than wandering in tentatively like everyone else. *They desire strong partners*, *who *love them genuinely, who will practice tolerance, and *will not be afraid to lead the way when they themselves are unsure*. They enjoy their sexuality – but with a fragility unlike others in the 'Dramatic' category. They secretly want to be dominated, but only if their partner genuinely desires to dominate." Source: :: - INFp.
-----Two NFs types who like each other may nevertheless fail to find that romance realized because of mutual inaction/fear of rejection. _Someone _has to act or nothing will happen. In my relationship, I was the one who took the initiative, but only because she was so introverted that I knew I would have to be just a little extroverted if I ever wanted to talk to her. I am sure that from an extroverted standpoint, my little bit of extroversion wouldn't have even registered on the radar (been noticed or appreciated as anything other than friendly affection). It was nevertheless very difficult for me to do. But only an introvert is likely to recognize when an introvert is making an effort. The real question to ask is, "Is the individual I am interested in treating me/interacting with me substantially differently than that individual treats others?" Personally, I don't think I would have noticed an ENFJ or ENFP was interested in me unless she were jamming flowers down my throat. 
-----Given the above description, I sometimes wonder why there are so many INFP-INFP relationships out there. Truthfully, I think that only happens because of the existence of the internet. And about the last part of that description, I don't know how many INFPs and other NFs like that idea, but if I were you, I wouldn't bust out the leather whip on a first date. Hopefully you see that I am joking. Since as an ENFJ, and probably appear to be very extroverted, I think an introverted type would see this and (rightly or wrongly) _expect _that if you are interested, you are clearly the one more capable of taking the initiative to show it (and so should). With extroverted types, the problem is more likely to be one of determining whether the demonstrated affection rises to a level substantially higher than that affection extroverted NF types show to everyone. In other words, "I know she likes me, but does she _like _me?" You might consider the following quote from Charles Simic (that I stole from Lady Lava): "[She] who cannot howl will not find [her] pack." 
-----I hope this helps. Again, the best of luck to you.


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## geekofalltrades (Feb 8, 2012)

How I like to approach:
I'm very private, and take a long time to open up to people. So, I do my best to talk and be friendly. Eventually (takes a while, usually) I get to a point where I'm really comfortable and really talkative around them, at which stage my rapt interest usually becomes pretty noticeable. I ask her out around that point. Some people might characterize this as shallow behavior or "playing hard to get," but I really like the slow buildup of tension and mutual attraction that occurs during my inordinately long courting period (assuming it's mutual, of course). I have lost more than one woman by waiting too long.

How I like to be pursued:
I don't really have a preference. I have been approached slowly and shyly over weeks or months, as I usually do myself, and I have also been flat out asked out by friends or acquaintances. Both are very flattering. It has more to do with the person than it does with the way they pursue me.


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## Maze (Nov 17, 2010)

*How I pursue*
I usually don't do anything besides being friendly until I see signs of interest. If I see those signs I'll start doing a little bit of testing to make sure that they are interested. Things will keep esclating from there.:kitteh: ...I guess I really don't persue, just watch for interest and then encourage that person along by showing them that the feeling is mutual. Kinda doing this dance with a possible ISTJ right now. He's sweet and I hope it goes well.:blushed:

*How I want to be pursued
*
Well show me your interested, if I don't know then I can't do anything about it. As far as techinique, just be yourself. I want to see and like you for who you are. 

(Though super agressive tactics can startle and scare me. Had a guy once tell me that "he could see himself happily spending the rest of his life with me." We had only talked online for about a week. I nearly jumped out of the window when I read that. Also players/mindgamers/pickup artists/ect... need not apply. I won't be interested ,ever.)


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## SenhorFrio (Apr 29, 2010)

How I pursue: compliments and lots of attention , try to be around them as much as i can, and well given enough time i'll most likely just ask if i think there's any chance, i like to be direct about things, and i guess a little bit sudden about it but not by intention

How I want to be pursued: Lots of time around me, trying to be around me especially alone as much as they can...a little bit of obsession at first Ideal, and it would be nice to have them ask me!


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## jungify (Jan 22, 2012)

*1.) How do I pursue:*
I'm very generous in my time and in small tokens either through little gifts, origami, love notes, and things like that. I like to let someone know they're cared for, and appreciated. I feel like getting someone interested in me is a matter of time investment. If they're not really spending time talking to me, thinking about me, or doing something with me it doesn't much feel like they're interested in me. I try to find common interests and talk to them about it when there's nothing else to talk about really.

*2.) How do I want to be pursued:*
In a lot of ways, what I want out of someone isn't much more than what I want to give in return. I like relationships to be a reciprocate. I feel like if I take care of and pay attention to someone else, they'd do the same for me in return. I like it when someone does something for me without ever having to ask. It's the little things that get me really interested in a person. When I can see they do small things for me, or they're thinking of me, it means the world to me.


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## jd_ (Feb 5, 2011)

locofoco said:


> *How I pursue*
> If it's a friend, I typically don't pursue, out of fear of rejection. If it's not a friend, I typically don't pursue, out of fear of rejection. :/
> 
> *How I want to be pursued*
> I usually don't realize someone likes me unless they bluntly tell me so. D: I could write out a bunch of ways about how I'd ideally like to be pursued, but if someone did any of those things, it'd probably go clear over my head because I'm too oblivious. Also, the dating things like playing hard to get and such aren't that appealing to me. It'd be nice and refreshing if someone just walked up to me and said, "Would you like to go out for coffee tomorrow afternoon?" where it's impossible to interpret in any way but a romantic way. I think it's hot to be that decisive and assertive.


I was going to write something... Until I read your post, then realized I didn't need to write at all. x10000.
I do differ however, if somebody asked me out for coffee, I wouldn't think much of it actually and if anything, that they just wanted to be friends. Some one would need to tell me directly they like me or are interested.
I am sure I have missed out on tons of opportunities like this.
My Se in many ways is probably non existent, and I need big sensors to open it up, i.e. visiting the grand canyon or something.

I was probably different when I was younger though, I'm older and have dated many folks, so now I just don't really care that much. Totally cynical I know, but I don't.

In many ways however, I am a great platonic guy friend, so people are pretty prone to dumping their emotional lives on me. I feel like I have amassed a collection of rich secrets from other people, that I also can never tell anybody. Which is probably why they told me in the first place instead of something else.. I guess I'm really trusting, but probably quite hard to date.

For this reason, I've probably been paired with many types that weren't really my type... Several more extraverted people that had the guts to hit on me... but then once we were together, it didn't really work out.

Jungify, I dated what I considered a female ENFJ who did those things. Honestly I viewed it as overly nice for how far we were along in the relationship, and I ended up doubting the meaning behind it and viewed some of what she said as superficial and inauthentic...


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## jungify (Jan 22, 2012)

jd_ said:


> Jungify, I dated what I considered a female ENFJ who did those things. Honestly I viewed it as overly nice for how far we were along in the relationship, and I ended up doubting the meaning behind it and viewed some of what she said as superficial and inauthentic...


Totally reasonable not to be into this, if you're doing those sorts of things for someone and it isn't genuine that's definitely a pretty empty gesture, and should be treated as such. However, often we do those sorts of things "even when they aren't warranted" as an intent for reciprocation. We do nice things because we like nice things in return. It's selfish, but, if you can find the right partner it can be very fulfilling in terms of keeping you happy. In other words, it's selfishness but only with one person with the intent that you fuel each other. That's how it feels and works with me, at least. It doesn't bother me or make me feel selfish because it's just who I am.


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## chimeric (Oct 15, 2011)

How I pursue: Finding excuses to spend time with someone. Lingering near them as much as possible when in a group setting. Making an effort to look cute in their presence, but being somewhat self-conscious about appearing to have made _too_ much of an effort (heh). Asking them a whole lot of questions about their life, interests, dreams, thoughts, etc. A certain amount of coy, witty banter. If all of the aforementioned is well-received, my dorky/enthusiastic/effusive side starts to peek out from its hiding place.

How I like to be pursued: Honestly, the tactics I use on others also work on me. I like feeling that someone's eyes are continually on me (uh, if I'm interested in them). I'm also really attracted to a certain sly mischievous streak (the _good_ kind of wickedness). I appreciate when flirtation is taken slowly, with tension slowly building. Lots of people don't seem to have patience for that, but I love it.


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## amanda32 (Jul 23, 2009)

OrangeAppled said:


> People definitely have different ways of pursuing and needing to be pursued. And that's fine. I don't think there should be or needs to be strict rules. I think it might be some indicator of compatibility in other ways if your preferences in this area complement each other too.
> 
> *How do I pursue:*
> Well, I don't initiate or chase people. The best I can give is a glance in your direction, purposely putting myself in your way, . I get embarrassed easily though and can be obtuse when it comes to flirting, so I admit I am bad at sending signals. This has been a real obstacle for me with dating...
> ...


You're hilarious!


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## 2GiveMyHeart2 (Jan 2, 2012)

How do I pursue?
After a bad experience and fear of rejection, I don't take the initiative. Let's be frank, I'm very shy, but to many I come off as mysterious. I only had one b/f in my life. I believe I judge his motives and his character for myself and other traits, then see what happens from there. I will be loyal, dedicated, and affectionate to them if they are willing to have me. 

How do I liked to be pursued?
Well, since I'm very shy, I believe I need someone who is outgoing but is willing to spend lots of time with me since my primary love language is quality time. So, I guess is him being kind of this friendly fun-loving guy to make me laugh, interesting conversations, and then pursue into flirting--in that order. Then muster up the courage to ask me out to dinner or a movie...or some sort of fun park.


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## amethyst_butterfly (Mar 14, 2011)

Just read the paragraphs that are in bold, because the rest are just ramblings and nonsense from my past.

*How do I pursue?*

*I really don't like to pursue. The least I can do when I see an attractive guy is to look at him and smile and perhaps get close to him if he is in my territory to see if he tells me something or if I can join his conversation, but I only do this at work settings. I fear of approaching guys in casual settings.
*

When I look at my past there were a few times that I have pursued men, but since I wasn't successful I decided not do do it anymore. Like in higschool when I liked a guy that I believe he was an INFJ because he was shy and wrote poetry. I was a little aggressive when I pursued him so that is why I wasn't successful but he still behaved like a jerk. Since it was a surprise for him, he didn't know how to react so he acted like an immature.

In my undergraduate college years a few guys come to mind. Like this guy who I believe he was an EXFX. We were freshmen at the time. He once gave me his phone number *and I called him. I found this guy kid of comical and the way he expressed himself was funny to me which caused me to chuckle a lot on the phone, he mistrepeted me and though I was making fun of him, so he took it the wrong way and stopped talking to me.

The other guy, I believe he was an INTJ. I met him in a general biology course. He sat in a row next to me and what atracted me to him was his sense of humor. I would see him making jokes with his friend and I would chuckle by myself, so I got closer to the guy, but I was just interested in his friendship. He didn't atracted to me physically but I wanted to see how it went. One day I told him that it would be nice to go out someday, so months later he asked me out. In the date he acted differently from the guy he was at college. He acted depressed but he told me it was because his brother was getting accused of a crime he didn't committed at his job. He wanted me to console him and I did but I missed the guy with the funny sense of humor. Then I lost interest. He tried to invite me out again but i had my eyes for someone else.

*
How do I like to be pursued?

I like a man to pursue me in a subtle manner. I like him to be direct without playing with my feelings or having the intention of using me for other motives.*Just simply talk to me and then invite me out.

It is really hard for me to know when a guy is really interested in me. I may study his non-verbal behavior but this feels like guessing. Men are very confusing.*Most guys who I have been interested in have been introverts so this makes things difficult, one of the reasons why I am single.

*


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## MissingLinc (Jan 20, 2012)

How do I pursue: I don't go to school anymore or have any romantic interest at work, so the only pursuing can either come online or random encounters. With random encounters, I just kinda smile at the girl and look for an opening. If she smiles in return or shows some indication that she won't pepper spray or claw my face off if I talk to her, I try to talk to her. Most women never smile at me, so my pursuing pretty much ends there.

How would I like to be pursued: Really, just show me some attention, show me that you care, that you value my company, that my absence makes you sad panda. People are so ADD these days that just to ask me how my day was turns me into a lovesick puppy. Sad, isn't it?


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## sundown (Feb 24, 2012)

How I pursue:

I have never pursued someone I hadn't talked to under other social circumstances. Unless the ice has been broken previously or by other circumstances, I don't feel right about communicating with someone I find attractive. Even if I'm out partying or something and a woman I find attractive is blatantly eyeing me from a distance or something, I still won't initiate contact because it feels insincere to me. I don't know that person, and feel like I have no sincere recourse to do so. This drives my friends crazy too.

Generally if I'm going to pursue someone it's because I find them very interesting to the point that they become attractive to me after I learned more about them. If I find someone very interesting and I sense a reciprocation of feeling, I will be unapologetic and open about how I feel as long as I think they can handle it. I always feel like I feel things more intensely than other people, so to avoid scaring someone off I sometimes hold back until I feel like they can handle it. Generally I will gauge the other person to try avoiding moving too fast for them, because I don't really have a preferred pace and am generally willing to let the other person decide that. This type of pursuit for me is very low stress and feels natural.

Being pursued:

Who doesn't find confidence attractive? I am completely down with her taking the lead, honestly, if she's an extrovert that's the only way things will get rolling. Exactly how I am pursued doesn't matter, I'm flexible, as long as you're direct enough that I can't ignore your intent I will definitely respond to it in accordance with how I feel.

I will say, I HATE planning a date or whatever without any feedback from the other person, as generally I don't care where we are and just want to talk until the end of time.


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## Curiously (Nov 7, 2011)

Usually when I pursue, I invest time to get to know an individual. I will be curious but will try very hard to respect his boundaries while still asking deep enough questions to better understand his nature, his values and aspirations, his vibe, if you will. I really am a Type 5, so I need and seek time in private to process my thoughts and feelings about a person of major interest. If I continue to see that this person is worth my investment (again, see "time"), I will be gentle, patient, respectful, but subtly intense in the attention I give a man.

I've dated enough and been in enough serious relationships to gather that I would prefer to be pursued in a similar fashion I have described about how I pursue someone. I want a man to get to know me, my core, my values/foundation and aspirations, some of my major flaws and quirks, and if he shows that he's genuinely not turned off or scared by such disclosures but instead more intrigued and interested, well, then great, let's try harder now.


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## Jewl (Feb 28, 2012)

*How I pursue:* I tend to be suddenly be more aware when I'm around the person I like. I pursue by becoming friends. I'll find myself smiling a lot more. I listen very carefully when they talk. I give out compliments (and they're always completely sincere). I especially love giving out a compliment that I know they don't really know about themselves or won't admit. When it is something like Christmas or their birthday, I give a gift I think is thoughtful (sometimes homemade, not even necessarily expensive). I will tend to try and be wherever they are just because I simply want to observe (in the not-so-creepy sense), to get to know them. 

*How I like being pursued:* I'm not entirely sure. I'm not too picky about this. I guess I just like the idea of being pursued in general. ^^ It's a flattering idea. Unexpected but sincere compliments are worth a bunch. I treasure them. I just like sincerity.


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## Ayia (Feb 27, 2012)

*How I pursue*
That's never really been a strong point for me. I keep telling myself that the men I like _must never know that I like them_. It's completely ridiculous, but true.

*How I like being pursued*
If only a guy would actually ask me out on coffee some day! Usually the guys I meet seem to expect me to go home with them the same night as I've met them. That's definitely not an option. It's weird too, because I'm not a party person at all. Yet, people don't seem to meet romantic partners in non-alcoholic settings these days (where I live at least).There is something seriously wrong with the dating scene these days...


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## jd_ (Feb 5, 2011)

I keep the conversation interesting and ask questions. If I don't feel like the other person is *participating* I quickly lose interest.


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