# Sx/Sp and Sp/So relationship



## Nyfiken (Jan 8, 2010)

Hi!

I've figured out that I'm Sx/Sp and my boyfriend is Sp/So. Does anyone else have experiences of this combination? Do you have any advice for me? I've realized we aren't the easiest combination and I'd like to hear from others on this topic.


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## Cantarella (Sep 3, 2010)

I read that Sx-dom is most compatible with So-dom and vice versa. Sp-dom is most compatible with Sp-dom. So you'd be more compatible if he were So/Sp.  Sorry, I don't have any advice. XD


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## Swordsman of Mana (Jan 7, 2011)

Cantarella said:


> I read that Sx-dom is most compatible with So-dom and vice versa. Sp-dom is most compatible with Sp-dom. So you'd be more compatible if he were So/Sp.  Sorry, I don't have any advice. XD


respectfully, a Sx/Sp + So/Sp relationship sounds like a 1 way trip to hell


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## rajAs (Sep 14, 2012)

I'm Sp/So and my girlfriend is Sx/Sp OR Sp/Sx, didn't understand yet properly. I'm 9w8 and she probably is 7w8 (or 8w7, but almost certainly 7w8).

Our relationship is extremely balanced when I have enough energy to follow her in her enthusiasm towards events and ideas. We have a few troubles when I need to be alone for some time: she used to read my behaviour as something wrong with our relationship. Basically, she would stay with me 24h/24, while I need a lot of time for myself (and a few time for my friends too). Luckily we bot know enneagram and we're able to understand each other's need properly, so our relationship is extremely fine


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## enneathusiast (Dec 15, 2012)

Nyfiken said:


> Hi!
> 
> I've figured out that I'm Sx/Sp and my boyfriend is Sp/So. Does anyone else have experiences of this combination? Do you have any advice for me?


I've had two experiences. I'll share my experience but I don't feel it appropriate to offer any advice.

Me sx/sp, them sp/so.

sp/so is sx-last. That's where the primary difficulties appeared. I'd seek a deeper more intimate connection. They didn't want that and pushed away. It always left me wanting more from the relationship. I learned that if I wanted that sx connection I had to find it elsewhere - it was never going to happen in the relationship. This didn't mean I had to be unfaithful. The sx connection could come from a platonic relationship. Problem was though, if I did make a platonic sx connection with someone of the opposite sex it would create a desire to take it to something more than platonic. The sx energy for me just wants to take it further and further sometimes - it can be somewhat insatiable. Now this all happened before I understood myself as sx-first. So, I didn't have the clarity on the situation that I have now.

Another difficulty that popped up from time-to-time was that sx/sp is so-last. I'd sometimes get dragged into social situations where I was extremely uncomfortable. So, I'd try to avoid those situations (I don't know how much type 5 played into this vs. so-last). This meant that I'd try to get out of those commitments. Sometimes that would create difficulties with my partner. In fact, what I found myself doing before I understood the Enneagram instincts was that I would seek relationships with people who wouldn't expect me to participate in the social arena (even moreso that they didn't participate in it themselves).

Because sp/so is sp-first, there could be a mistrust of allowing me into their private domain and interests for fear that I'd cause problems in it in some way (e.g., be a buzz-kill for type 7, be critical or controlling in some way for type 1, etc.). Some of the issues had to do with type as well as instinct. The two ways I handled it was to either go along for their ride being careful not to interfere with it (letting them be in control of it) or letting them do their own thing while I did mine. That all worked fine until my sx desire appeared and tried to force more of a reciprocal sharing (I'm sharing in your interests, when are you going to share in mine or let's find some shared interests that are neither mine nor yours exclusively). Sometimes the relationship felt like two ships passing in the night because of my partners sp-first preference (it felt like we were together but separately so - they seemed fine with that but I often had trouble being satisfied with it).

Both relationships ended abruptly. I finally got the type 7 partner to open up and share some deeper feelings (tears came), but shortly thereafter she cut it off completely (the relationship was about having someone to share her adventures with her but I guess some line got crossed). The second relationship ended when I found someone else who was sx-first. I experienced an sx connection with that person like I had always imagined I wanted. I then ended the relationship with the sp/so partner (which was pure hell for me by that time).

I guess what I learned in the sx/sp sp/so relationship for myself (from an sx/sp 5 point-of-view):
- not to expect the level of sx connection in the relationship that I'd like
- I am going to get dragged into social situations from time-to-time
- as long as I let the partner be in control of things they may let me share their personal interests
- don't expect that my sharing of the partner's interests will be reciprocated (them sharing in my interests)


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## Nyfiken (Jan 8, 2010)

Thank you all for your responses! 



enneathusiast said:


> I've had two experiences. I'll share my experience but I don't feel it appropriate to offer any advice.
> 
> Me sx/sp, them sp/so.
> 
> ...


Your description is extremely accurate for my situation. The only thing I don't experience is your second point about So, but my boyfriend is in MBTI terms an introverted thinker while I'm an extroverted feeler, so I'm the more outgoing one. We just have a different view of friends and friendship, so that one doesn't bother me. 

I recognize myself in your description of searching for an sx connection. I have too gotten it from platonic relationships but have found myself wanting more. I have a hard time just accepting that I'm not gonna get that connection with my partner. 

We also have the same thing with sharing interests - I'm very interested in doing that while my partner doesn't care that much about shared interests. I really like your description of two ships passing each other - I often too feel like we live parallel but not really together. 

I'm just starting to figure this out and I'm a bit sad that I can't seem to find a solution to this. I guess this is something I just have to accept if I want to be in this relationship. And apart from these problems, we have very few and are very compatible.


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## enneathusiast (Dec 15, 2012)

Nyfiken said:


> I have a hard time just accepting that I'm not gonna get that connection with my partner.
> 
> We also have the same thing with sharing interests - I'm very interested in doing that while my partner doesn't care that much about shared interests. I really like your description of two ships passing each other - I often too feel like we live parallel but not really together.
> 
> I'm just starting to figure this out and I'm a bit sad that I can't seem to find a solution to this. I guess this is something I just have to accept if I want to be in this relationship. And apart from these problems, we have very few and are very compatible.


In looking back on those relationships, I can see some things that may have helped.

I didn't have the insight of the instincts at the time so I didn't really understand what the issue was. If I knew that, I think I could have discovered a better way of handling it. In the 2nd relationship, I was constantly trying to make that sx connection. I think at some point she just had enough of it and said things like "you'll never be happy with me no matter what I do." Instead of pushing her, it may have been more effective to entice her into a deeper connection. It probably wouldn't have been everything I wanted but it might have been much better than it was. I would just have to tamp down that sx energy so it didn't overwhelm her (it's kind of like what type 8 does when they sit on their impulses to make people around them feel more comfortable).

The other thing is that neither of the significant others in those relationships were interested in the Enneagram. If they had been, perhaps that would have helped us better understand and appreciate the other's preferences and help each of us push our comfort boundaries a little to make the other happier. The strange part about it was that there never seemed to be much give and take or reciprocation in that way so I don't know how effective it would have been - I think that has something to do with the sp-first preference. 

What may have been more effective was to let her introduce some things we could do together - my introducing it just didn't work - until she hit upon something I would have introduced myself. It's the autonomy and self-control of things I think that was prime for them. When I introduced something, it could feel to them like I was trying to take them somewhere they just didn't want to go or I was trying to control them in some way.


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## rajAs (Sep 14, 2012)

It's a bit rough, but my girlfriend's hobbies doesn't make her hobbies/interests more interesting to me. That was the hardest part for her, and she's still suffering about this. Somehow I often think she's looking for something else in someone else that is not possible to find in me.

But.... hey, as Sp/So, I can't imagine myself with an Sx blind spot person. There's something incredibly fascinating in people with an expressed Sx instinct. It's like I'm Autumn/Spring and she is Summer/Winter.


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## Nyfiken (Jan 8, 2010)

enneathusiast said:


> In looking back on those relationships, I can see some things that may have helped.
> 
> I didn't have the insight of the instincts at the time so I didn't really understand what the issue was. If I knew that, I think I could have discovered a better way of handling it. In the 2nd relationship, I was constantly trying to make that sx connection. I think at some point she just had enough of it and said things like "you'll never be happy with me no matter what I do." Instead of pushing her, it may have been more effective to entice her into a deeper connection. It probably wouldn't have been everything I wanted but it might have been much better than it was. I would just have to tamp down that sx energy so it didn't overwhelm her (it's kind of like what type 8 does when they sit on their impulses to make people around them feel more comfortable).
> 
> ...


I've also heard something similar to "you'll never be happy" - that he doesn't have almost any demands on the relationship while I have too many. I agree that pushing isn't a very good method and that enticing is better, but in my experience it doesn't give that much either. I'll try doing more of that though. 

My partner isn't interested in any personality theory, so no luck there unfortunately. 

Maybe you are right about the introduction thing, I have never thought of it that way. I'll try to think about that!



rajAs said:


> It's a bit rough, but my girlfriend's hobbies doesn't make her hobbies/interests more interesting to me. That was the hardest part for her, and she's still suffering about this. Somehow I often think she's looking for something else in someone else that is not possible to find in me.
> 
> But.... hey, as Sp/So, I can't imagine myself with an Sx blind spot person. There's something incredibly fascinating in people with an expressed Sx instinct. It's like I'm Autumn/Spring and she is Summer/Winter.


Well, to us it isn't the activity in itself, it's understanding your partner's motivation, dreams and passions. And taking part of them. If I can't share my interests, I feel like there is a big part of myself I can't share. And then it's not my whole self in the relationship. 
She is probably searching for the sx connection. If you want to do something about it, try experimenting a bit with your blind spot. I've realized I activated my boyfriend's sx when we first got together. Now it's sleeping again, but I know it's there if he wants to.


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## Asd456 (Jul 25, 2017)

enneathusiast said:


> In looking back on those relationships, I can see some things that may have helped.
> 
> I didn't have the insight of the instincts at the time so I didn't really understand what the issue was. If I knew that, I think I could have discovered a better way of handling it. In the 2nd relationship, I was constantly trying to make that sx connection. I think at some point she just had enough of it and said things like "you'll never be happy with me no matter what I do." Instead of pushing her, it may have been more effective to entice her into a deeper connection. It probably wouldn't have been everything I wanted but it might have been much better than it was. I would just have to tamp down that sx energy so it didn't overwhelm her (it's kind of like what type 8 does when they sit on their impulses to make people around them feel more comfortable).
> 
> ...


Thank you for sharing. This is the exact same pattern with my sister, type 1 Sp/So. I've never felt a close connection with her (I'm 6w5 Sx/Sp); I've tried in the past, it just wasn't there. 

In terms of compatibility and relationships, do you have any thoughts or experience with Sp/Sx? Also, ideally, what stacking do you think is best for Sx/Sp (or close to it)?


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## enneathusiast (Dec 15, 2012)

Asd456 said:


> In terms of compatibility and relationships, do you have any thoughts or experience with Sp/Sx?


I've been in a relationship with an unhealthy sp/sx. It felt like more of a dependency than the type of bonding or intimacy I was looking for (sx/sp). It was like it held the promise of what I wanted but too much time feeling alone and forgotten.



Asd456 said:


> Also, ideally, what stacking do you think is best for Sx/Sp (or close to it)?


I'd say there are a couple of considerations. 
1. how open and honest the communication is, whether you're really being heard and understood (both partners), which allows you to better work through things rather than simply feel like you're not getting what you want or think you need
2. whether you want a partner like you or one to complement you, sx/sp can have blind spots and expectations that can be balanced by someone who's not sx/sp or social-last
3. whether the sx instinct can be satisfied in some ways outside the relationship rather than solely looking to the relationship to satisfy it, sx can place a huge burden or expectation on the relationship if not careful


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## Sylas (Jul 23, 2016)

I've had a couple of relationships with sp/so's including several immediate family members and a few close friends.

What I have noticed so far:

This relationship resembles socionics "benefit". There is a sense of asymmetry present in this relationship where sp/so has a more leading position over the sx/sp (in the syn/contra-flow theory sp/so is the 'upstream' stacking of sx/sp). At the same time, even though sx/sp often gives way there is also a sense from sx/sp's point of view that sp/so is missing in crucial something, that something being the sx instinct.

Sp/so passes on 'social' kind of information to Sx/sp. They may try to get sx/sp involved in community events and projects, go out to visit museums and galleries with them, go traveling to pay visit to some events, attend job networking events and mingle there, or attend rallies concerning some social issues. This is a positive development in life of sx/sp who has largely been ignoring their social instinct. Through the magic of secondary soc of sp/so, the sx/sp is suddenly connected to many more people, and learns the means and methods to be more socially connected and be in touch with their community. This influence on the last instinct has a pacifying effect on sx/sp - having their tertiary instinct finally engaged draws the attention away from the primary sx, which is experienced as a relief.

In turn, sx/sp energizes and inspires sp/so. This is accomplished by means of secondary sp instinct actively creating sp in the environment or talking about it, which reinforces the primary sp instinct of sp/so. 

Thus, sp/so acts as the carrier of vision and information in this pair and sx/sp acts as the carrier of energy and inspiration. This interaction is synergistic and at the same time asymmetrical.

Passing information the other way from sx/sp to sp/so meets a kind of stumbling block. It feels like sp/so doesn't completely listen to the sx/sp and doesn't take their arguments, convictions, and pleas seriously. This is similar to how the benefactor doesn't fully hear the beneficiary in socionics benefit relations. This may be to great dismay of sx/sp. Sp/so is particularly numb and blind to any SX based reasoning, which to sx/sp seems almost monstrous: how can anyone be so indifferent to emotions? Every time sx/sp makes any sx appeals to the sp/so they are met with a deaf wall.

Likewise the energy does not flow from sp/so to sx/sp. Initially interactions with sp/so may feel balancing and calming, due to how they draw attention to sx/sp's last social instinct and away from the first one. This balances out the stack. However, in the long run the sx/sp starts feeling like they need to be true to themselves and that sp/so is pulling them in a slightly different deviating direction. All this soc is nice, but an overabundance turns from calming to dulling and boring for sx/sp. The sp/so's insistence of focusing all their life and energy on primary sp also feels out of tune for sx/sp who sees sp as a nice place to experiment but nothing more, and will throw sp under the bus for the sake of some sx stimulus. 

Subtypes also matter in this interaction. Sx/sp and Sp/so of different subtypes may not even notice each other and pass each other by. Generally, both of those involve need have to have same subtype - either an accent on primary instinct or an accent on the secondary one - for the above dynamic to take place. With mismatched instincts the interaction and conversations become progressively more awkward and out of tune, and attraction is greatly diminished. For sp/so and sx/sp this means the _strongside_ sp/so goes along with _seducer_ sx/sp and _warmside_ sp/so goes along with _wanderer_ sx/sp.


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## Asd456 (Jul 25, 2017)

enneathusiast said:


> It was like it held the promise of what I wanted but too much time feeling alone and forgotten.


I completely understand. 



> I'd say there are a couple of considerations.
> 1. how open and honest the communication is, whether you're really being heard and understood (both partners), which allows you to better work through things rather than simply feel like you're not getting what you want or think you need
> 2. whether you want a partner like you or one to complement you, sx/sp can have blind spots and expectations that can be balanced by someone who's not sx/sp or social-last
> 3. whether the sx instinct can be satisfied in some ways outside the relationship rather than solely looking to the relationship to satisfy it, sx can place a huge burden or expectation on the relationship if not careful


I've been considering the idea of how significant development of stacking impacts an individual. For instance, I've noticed some Sp/Sx with greater focus on Sp and some Sp/Sx with greater focus on Sx. 

From your points above, the irony is that I am driven by Sx and I want it; however, as a type 6 Sx/Sp, I also want my independence and reject Sx intimacy because I do not want to show vulnerability as it will cause me to feel weaker and less strong. It's a weird fixation I have regarding strength and independence. The way I experience it, I want the Sx intimacy in terms of understanding the other, but I am reluctant to completely let my guard down and show vulnerability. Which is contradictory, I know.


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## enneathusiast (Dec 15, 2012)

Asd456 said:


> ...the irony is that I am driven by Sx and I want it; however, as a type 6 Sx/Sp, I also want my independence and reject Sx intimacy because I do not want to show vulnerability as it will cause me to feel weaker and less strong. It's a weird fixation I have regarding strength and independence. The way I experience it, I want the Sx intimacy in terms of understanding the other, but I am reluctant to completely let my guard down and show vulnerability.


Some of that could have to do with 6w5 but I also find that the sx isn't simply looking for anyone but a certain someone that allows for a more complete merge so there's a tentativeness to the relationship at first. Not only because there's the question of whether this is the person I'll feel fulfilled with but also because there's so much given over in that merge that there's nothing to protect you if it goes wrong.



Asd456 said:


> Which is contradictory, I know.


Yeah, I think contrariness lies at the core of 6w5. It seems to be an awareness of both sides of any given situation which leads to a sort of devil's advocate position.


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## lametaoist (Mar 25, 2017)

Nyfiken said:


> Hi!
> 
> I've figured out that I'm Sx/Sp and my boyfriend is Sp/So. Does anyone else have experiences of this combination? Do you have any advice for me? I've realized we aren't the easiest combination and I'd like to hear from others on this topic.


Any type combination can work if both people are healthy enough. If both parties are healthy, both parties know how to get their needs met, and how to meet the needs of others. 

If you see R&H's levels of development, as on gets healthier, they identify less specifically with the given restrictions of a type. If your partner is unhealthy, and is showing personality elements that are incompatible with your needs, it doesn't matter what their instinct is, more that they are unhealthy. It's also important to judge whether the person is aware of his or her unhealthy nature, and whether the person has any willingness to change those elements. 

If you're healthy, and he isn't, it isn't a good fit. If you're unhealthy, and he's healthy, it's probably not a good fit. If you're both unhealthy, it's probably a terrible fit. But that isn't dependent on the instinct as much as the level of health.

If your instincts align, you'll double down on both your strengths and your weaknesses. You'll both be bad at the same thing, and you both be good at the same things. It'll feel like you are aligned, but if you aren't healthy, you'll both have the same blind spots.


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