# broken hearted, need support



## Glenda Gnome Starr (May 12, 2011)

Hi all,
My father passed away two days ago. He was 92 years old.
I am sad and broken hearted. 
How long does it take before it gets better?
wt


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## emerald sea (Jun 4, 2011)

i am so sorry, @walking tourist. wish i could give you a hug right now. 

it takes time and how long varies from person to person. i am here for you if you want to talk to someone.


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## Glenda Gnome Starr (May 12, 2011)

Thank you, @emerald sea, I will pm you later on. 



emerald sea said:


> i am so sorry, @_walking tourist_. wish i could give you a hug right now.
> 
> it takes time and how long varies from person to person. i am here for you if you want to talk to someone.


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## stephiphi (Mar 30, 2012)

*virtually hugs*

My condolences, dearie.


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## caramel_choctop (Sep 20, 2010)

@walking tourist I've never lost someone, but I'm sorry to hear about your father *hugs*
It definitely takes time for people to work through their grief. Reading poems, biographies or fiction about it may help.
I've heard C.S. Lewis's _A Grief Observed _has helped people.


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## Apdenoatis (May 23, 2012)

Here's a hug, if you'd like one. [hugs you]

Sometimes it takes longer than you think, and sometimes it takes less time than you expect. It really depends on how you handle it.
But he can still be in your memory without you having to be broken. 

Best wishes!


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## Glenda Gnome Starr (May 12, 2011)

Thank you so much. This is such a big help. 
"But he can still be in your memory without you having to be broken. " This is such a different way of looking at this. I appreciate the words and the smile, too. They feel warm.
hugs and love from w.t.



Apdenoatis said:


> Here's a hug, if you'd like one. [hugs you]
> 
> Sometimes it takes longer than you think, and sometimes it takes less time than you expect. It really depends on how you handle it.
> But he can still be in your memory without you having to be broken.
> ...


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## EbonyTigger (Apr 13, 2012)

@walking tourist *hugs you* so sorry to hear about your father, if you need to talk you can PM me or leave me a visitor message *gently hugs you and comforts you*


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## Nevermind_me (Aug 5, 2012)

@walking tourist and another hug from me, and a warm beverage of your choosing.

When my Grandpa died I wrote down lots of memories of him. Although we know we'll remember them forever, the little subtleties, their favourite sayings, the way they smelt, the things they taught you, mannerisms, they fade without them, so write down now you favourite things about him, make a memory book. Get friends and family to add to it if that helps, or keep it private for you, but capture those moments and sensory triggers now while they're fresh and he's strong and bright in your mind.

As for when it gets better, Grandpa died 3 years ago and I still really really miss him. Time dulls the ache, but certain things will catch you and remind you even years on... but everyone you know has lost people or will lose people, everyone you know can relate. Sharing your sorrow and celebrating the best things about a person when you're with others who know them keep them alive and soften the pain.

My deepest sympathies xXx


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## Ramysa (Mar 22, 2012)

My condolences . It must be very hard for you. 

My bf' s mother passed away three years ago (cancer). She was 48. It Took him abt a year to get better. But it was mostly bcz he is a very closed person and wasn't talking abt it. He is a lot better now, but still hurts ( less than before, of course). Try to remember the good things abt your father and try to talk abt it/him (with family, SO, whoever is close and able to understand you) , it will help.


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## ThankfulW (Dec 23, 2012)

Nevermind_me said:


> @_walking tourist_ and another hug from me, and a warm beverage of your choosing.
> 
> When my Grandpa died I wrote down lots of memories of him. Although we know we'll remember them forever, the little subtleties, their favourite sayings, the way they smelt, the things they taught you, mannerisms, they fade without them, so write down now you favourite things about him, make a memory book. Get friends and family to add to it if that helps, or keep it private for you, but capture those moments and sensory triggers now while they're fresh and he's strong and bright in your mind.
> 
> ...


Thank you, that sounds like a good idea.. My Dad went home (passed away)..

*hugs* to all who are missing loved ones...:kitteh:


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## sleepyhead (Nov 14, 2011)

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's never easy and there's not really anything you can do except move through the grief. Whenever I'm dealing with serious grief I find I feel really upset and weepy for about 2 months. The first few weeks are the hardest and I find anything can make me break down, but letting family and friends know how you're dealing with grief can be really helpful. 

I find it hard to talk to people in person or on the phone so I usually send emails to close friends and just let them know how I'm feeling or what I'm needing.

I find journaling can be really helpful, but it usually takes me a while to build up to writing about the experience. While I'm writing it it feels very emotional and can be very hard to write - it takes a lot out of me but once it's done I just feel exhausted but like a bit of a release has occurred.

_Do not stand at my grave and weep, 
I am with you still - I do not sleep. 
I am a thousand winds that blow, 
I am the diamond glints on snow, 
I am sunlight on ripened grain, 
I am the gentle autumn rain. 
When you awake in the morning's hush 
I am the swift, uplifting rush 
Of quiet birds in circled flight. 
I am the soft stars that shine at night. 
Do not think of me as gone - 
I am with you still - in each new dawn.
_
Most importantly, give yourself permission to be in your grief. Don't feel guilty about it, don't feel like you should be moving through it faster than you are. You need to do what you need to do.


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## angularvelocity (Jun 15, 2009)

This is late, but I love this little piece;

*You want a physicist to speak at your funeral.*You want the physicist to talk to your grieving family about the conservation of energy, so they will understand that your energy has not died. You want the physicist to remind your sobbing mother about the first law of thermodynamics; that no energy gets created in the universe, and none is destroyed. You want your mother to know that all your energy, every vibration, every Btu of heat, every wave of every particle that was her beloved child remains with her in this world. You want the physicist to tell your weeping father that amid energies of the cosmos, you gave as good as you got.
*And at one point y**ou'd hope that the physicist would step down from the pulpit and walk to your brokenhearted spouse there in the pew* and tell him/her that all the photons that ever bounced off your face, all the particles whose paths were interrupted by your smile, by the touch of your hair, hundreds of trillions of particles, have raced off like children, their ways forever changed by you. And as your widow rocks in the arms of a loving family, may the physicist let him/her know that all the photons that bounced from you were gathered in the particle detectors that are her/his eyes, that those photons created within her/him constellations of electromagnetically charged neurons whose energy will go on forever.
And the physicist will remind the congregation of how much of all our energy is given off as heat. There may be a few fanning themselves with their programs as he says it. And he will tell them that the warmth that flowed through you in life is still here, still part of all that we are, even as we who mourn continue the heat of our own lives.
*And you'll want the physicist to explain to those who loved you that they need not have faith; indeed, they should not have faith. Let them know *that they can measure, that scientists have measured precisely the conservation of energy and found it accurate, verifiable and consistent across space and time. You can hope your family will examine the evidence and satisfy themselves that the science is sound and that they'll be comforted to know your energy's still around. *According to the law of the conservation of energy, not a bit of you is gone; you're just less orderly.*


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## nakkinaama (Jun 20, 2012)

^ i dont even know what the fuck


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## yesiknowbut (Oct 25, 2009)

@walking tourist, sorry for your loss. 

Grief is different for everyone; but I remember it taking a couple of days of dreadful emotional pain before the numbness kicked in when I lost my father very suddenly (23 years ago, when I was 26. He was 63). The numbness or blunting of emotions is a psychological safety valve, I think. I remember one of my brothers commenting that he watched a sunset and intellectually recognised it was beautiful, but he couldn't feel moved by it.
For me it took 6 months for the dam to break, to come through that and reach the moment when I realised he wasn't coming back. That was worse than the beginning. But it was the start of healing, also.

Much further on, I have realised that a loss like this changes you. You will not be the same, going forward from here, as you were last week. Painful as it is, it actually enriches you with something of the essence of the one you have lost. In a way you subsume a bit of them, and they are there within. That is something to treasure.

But there, as I said, it is different for us all. One thing that is not different though is that we all live through this. You are not alone, however painful it is.

Best wishes.


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## Glenda Gnome Starr (May 12, 2011)

Thank you to everyone for your comments and suggestions and support. It has now been four months since my dad passed away. At first, I went down stairs in the morning and just kept waiting for him to come down to have his breakfast. Of course, he wasn't there. I felt this empty space in the house and in my heart. My mom apparently felt the same way but she is not all that expressive so I didn't know until she said, "I really miss him. I think about him every day." 
When it was windy, I felt sad because I couldn't give him a cup of tea and keep him warm. 
I wanted to cancel my birthday, which I had just a month after he passed away. But my family wouldn't go along with that.
Christmas... well... I was afraid that I would just cry all day... but Christmas was good. I felt that he wanted us to be happy. But still, it feels like an empty space in my world.
I have written a good deal about him and his life. It helps somewhat.
The healing process is so slow.
Hugs to everyone who is missing a loved one who will not come back...


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## superbundle (Nov 29, 2012)

walking tourist said:


> Thank you to everyone for your comments and suggestions and support. It has now been four months since my dad passed away. At first, I went down stairs in the morning and just kept waiting for him to come down to have his breakfast. Of course, he wasn't there. I felt this empty space in the house and in my heart. My mom apparently felt the same way but she is not all that expressive so I didn't know until she said, "I really miss him. I think about him every day."
> When it was windy, I felt sad because I couldn't give him a cup of tea and keep him warm.
> I wanted to cancel my birthday, which I had just a month after he passed away. But my family wouldn't go along with that.
> Christmas... well... I was afraid that I would just cry all day... but Christmas was good. I felt that he wanted us to be happy. But still, it feels like an empty space in my world.
> ...


If healing after your father's death took merely four months, that would mean he wasn't important in your life. 

Writing can not replacing feeling. 

Because Feeling is not something you can control.

Don't focus on healing if you can't even identify the wound. 

It's empty because you're holding yourself back. Why are you holding yourself back? (That is for only you to find out)

You can't heal without having felt the full impact of the pain. 

Theres nothing rational about pain or anything to do with emotions. 

I encourage you to open your heart. It takes courage. It can be frightening, no doubt. But ultimately, if you want the healing process to come quicker, you're going to have to be patient, loving, and accepting towards yourself. Everybody's healing process is different. So theres no one true method in "opening your heart", and letting it all go. 

You've been strong. But now it's time to be weak. Let yourself be weak so you can grow even stronger.


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## DMack (Aug 16, 2011)

walking tourist said:


> Hi all,
> My father passed away two days ago. He was 92 years old.
> I am sad and broken hearted.
> How long does it take before it gets better?
> wt


I lost my father when I was 21. It will be 12 years ago on January 1st. While the intense grief won't be there forever, the hole in your heart will. No one can every be another father to you.

But the pain is a good thing. It is a reminder of how important the relationship was to you. You honor the dead when you grieve for them. A part of their life continues in you.

So don't be in a hurry to get over your broken heart. In time, maybe days, maybe months, you'll start having a good day or two in the middle of the misery. The number of good days will increase and eventually outnumber the bad. One day, perhaps not that long from now, life will return to normal. 

Be thankful for every moment you had with him. I would've given my left arm to have had my father for another 34 years.


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## Glenda Gnome Starr (May 12, 2011)

Thank you for this wise and wonderful response, based on sad experience. I am so sorry that your father passed away when you were so young. 
Hugs for you, too.



DMack said:


> I lost my father when I was 21. It will be 12 years ago on January 1st. While the intense grief won't be there forever, the hole in your heart will. No one can every be another father to you.
> 
> But the pain is a good thing. It is a reminder of how important the relationship was to you. You honor the dead when you grieve for them. A part of their life continues in you.
> 
> ...


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## Glenda Gnome Starr (May 12, 2011)

Thank you for this insight.
I am not healed. I am far from healed.
I want to be strong for my mother. I don't want her to worry about me. She is grieving but she is so introverted that she doesn't show it.
I still feel in my heart that my dad's death was my fault. If I had stayed up all night and had watched him, maybe he wouldn't have fallen. 
But really, I don't know if I could have saved him.
For me, feeling doesn't come out in words that make a whole lot of sense. It comes out in images. And memories. Not full memories but little snippets. I'm not sure if I know how to open up my heart. But I will try to listen to it better and I will remember that I don't have to be strong all of the time.
Thank you for your wisdom. It means a lot to me.
wt



superbundle said:


> If healing after your father's death took merely four months, that would mean he wasn't important in your life.
> 
> Writing can not replacing feeling.
> 
> ...


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