# Issues with my ISTP friend



## Sunless (Jul 30, 2009)

Okay, I cant believe I am doing this but.. I was wondering if maybe someone here can shed some light on my problems..

There is this ISTP guy who I have been friends with for 6 years now. Our friendship has never been truly close, more the hanging out type, but since we have been friends for a very long time we developed some sort of quiet understanding of each other and we got to consider each other best friends.

I know he kind of had a crush on me back when I first met him, but im pretty sure he got over it a few years ago. He has a wonderful girlfriend that i really like and they seem to have a lot of things in common. However.. for some reason, he goes out of his way to befriend all my ex boyfriends (i should add here that he doesnt befriend them while they are with me, only after we split). This is really annoying and disheartening for me because i had really rough times with most of them, and I dont like to have bonds with them through one of the few people I actually trust.

So I asked him why he did it and I asked him to stop. He said he wasnt doing it to annoy me and he couldnt possibly understand why i had trouble with that. I thought that after that request he would stop doing it (because it is what i would do if the case was reversed) But he keeps talking to them, hanging out with them and he is now even recording an album with one of my ex's. I am seriously considering to axe him out of my life, but for some reason, if i continue to shut doors in peoples faces i will end up completely alone. 

Suggestions?


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## MissFixit (Dec 8, 2009)

that is strange. If I am told outright not to do something (because it hurts someone's feelings or makes them upset) I will comply...unless the person doing the complaining is trying to "control" me, etc.

How many ex boyfriends are we talking about here? And are they hanging out together because of a common interest? (you mention recording an album)

But all the same it is strange.


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## Sunless (Jul 30, 2009)

*Ex #1 (ENTP)*: he is a musician and was very abusive so we broke up in REALLY bad terms. My friend met him even before he met me.. but they werent friends or anything until about three years ago. Then my friend started talking to him on the internet (my ex was living in Barcelona at the time) and when he came to visit he organized a gig so they could play a set together.

*Ex #2 (ESFP): *also a musician and a junkie.. we broke up because of his addiction and then he threated me and stalked me for a year. Evidently on bad terms with the guy. My friend met him when ex2 and I were together but never really showed interest in befriending the guy. Then we break up, the guy moves to a different city, but the first time he came to visit he was all over him.

*Ex#3 (INFP): *He was really a sweet guy who I ended up dumping in a somewhat unfair way. He obviously hated me with all his might and hasnt forgiven me yet. He wasnt a musician until we were halfway into the relationship.. Now that i think about it i do have a thing for musicians i guess . This is the guy my friend literally CHASE to befriend and they are recording an album together now.

*Ex#4 (unknown type: depressive disorder): *he was my first boyfriend, we had a really difficult time together, and two years after we had broken up we were still in bad terms. We are really close friends now. My friend is moving to his house in january.


It is a long list, long enough to leave no room for doubts.


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## Happy (Oct 10, 2008)

Sunless did you introduce him to your ex's? If so, I can't blame the guy since it's difficult to comprehend why you would do that in the first place if you did not want him to befriend them.

You also have to consider his T function. Unlike F's who are more likely to hold grudges, T's for the most part forgive and forget and don't care much about what happened between you and your ex's. Though if you told him to stop because it is hurting you, I think that he should cease since you consider him a "friend." 

Have you talked to him about the situation in a more serious/deep manner?


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## Sunless (Jul 30, 2009)

Yeah, i did introduce him to them when we were together, and he never considered befriending them then. Only after we break up and a lot of drama happens, he decides it is the perfect opportunity to seek a friendship with them (My relationships are usually very long, so if he had any real interest he could have befriended them while we were together)

I did talk about this with him in a deep level, explained very carefully why it was making me uncomfortable and he continues to do it. I know because he keeps posting messages in their walls saying really over the top things about what a wonderful time they had last weekend and things like that. 

I am a T myself and I dont hold grudges, but when a situation is uncomfortable I tend to snip connections to certain people, especially if i feel like i have been betrayed, which has been the case with several of those ex boyfriends.


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## Alice in Wonderland (Sep 7, 2009)

I think for any future ex boyfriends that would be a reasonable request but seeing how he's already made friends with your exes, I think its unfair to just tell him to stop being friends with them.
It is kind of curious why though. maybe he still likes you and wants to know what your ex boyfriends had to say about you? Or maybe he doesn't meet many other potential male friends has trouble making connections and so he finds it easier to befirend them cuase he already has a link? Idk it could be a lot of reasons. . .
I'm sorry by the way. That has got to be hard to deal with . . .


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## INFpharmacist (Aug 7, 2009)

ISTPs really are "parrots". Check out the current thread in the ISTP forum about the 10 things that characterize an ISTP.

There have been times that exact words and sentences are repeated back to me by an ISTP.

So... I know this sounds like a leap here, but he could be parroting you. Hey, if the guy is good enough for you, then he's good enough to be friends with, right? And instead of befriending these guys while you're dating one of them, he gives you space and makes a friendship after it's over. Call me crazy... but that's how I perceive this.


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## Happy (Oct 10, 2008)

Sunless said:


> Yeah, i did introduce him to them when we were together, and he never considered befriending them then. Only after we break up and a lot of drama happens, he decides it is the perfect opportunity to seek a friendship with them (My relationships are usually very long, so if he had any real interest he could have befriended them while we were together)
> 
> I did talk about this with him in a deep level, explained very carefully why it was making me uncomfortable and he continues to do it. I know because he keeps posting messages in their walls saying really over the top things about what a wonderful time they had last weekend and things like that.
> 
> I am a T myself and I dont hold grudges, but when a situation is uncomfortable I tend to snip connections to certain people, especially if i feel like i have been betrayed, which has been the case with several of those ex boyfriends.


I totally see your point of view. If he was a true friend, he would cease whatever he is doing that is hurting you. I'm not going to give you advice on what you should do with him, however you should think about what would happen if you cut him out of your life. Will it have a huge impact on your life?


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## Sunless (Jul 30, 2009)

Yeah, I think he stopped talking to me for some reason. I have been trying to contact him for two weeks to get my things back, but i get no response. I know he has seen my messages cause he has been active in facebook all day, just hasnt replied.


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