# Can men and women just be friends?



## Eerie (Feb 9, 2011)

I have plenty of male friends, and there is no mutual or one sided attraction going on there.


----------



## jack london (Aug 27, 2010)

sleepinghyacinth said:


> I have plenty of male friends, and there is no mutual or one sided attraction going on there.


But do we know if they want more than a friendship? Have you ever seen the movie "When Harry met Sally?" it explains my posts really well.


----------



## Crystall (Mar 30, 2010)

jack london said:


> But do we know if they want more than a friendship? Have you ever seen the movie "When Harry met Sally?" it explains my posts really well.


Yes! I even quoted that conversation from "When Harry Met Sally" in a previous post! You women say this all the time, but if you are truly honest with yourself; 

If you and your male friend were alone at his place one night and you suddenly got naked and asked him to have sex with you, do you think that he would say "No! I treasure our friendship too much." or you you think he would jump your bones? 

Come on ladies. I mean... Come on.


----------



## abster (Feb 9, 2011)

yes men and women can be friends and have real frienships. I have two male friends i met in college while we studied social work together and to this day we still keep in touch, go out to lunches, go for a drink, go to dinner. Somtimes my boyfriend comes with me when i catchup with these guys, somtimes he doesnt. And no, i will never cross the line. Have i ever been attracted to either of these guys? Maybe on some level, but not on a romantic one. I think both my male friends are decent looking and have awesome personalities. Ive whinged to them about work, men, past breakup etc. And theyve told me about their lives as well. But ofcourse, my boyfriend comes first before these two men in my life. As long as you have clear boundaries then yes men and women can be just friends. My boyfriend has female friends too that he goes out to lunch with, catchup from time to time and yes they are platonic only.


----------



## Disfigurine (Jan 1, 2011)

Agh.

I think it depends on maturity, a lot of the time.
Misread signals, and people not knowing when to back off.

I have male and female friends.
There is no problem there, no matter what either of our orientations are.

What really really pisses me, off, though, pardon my tangent..
Is when people assume because I like women, that I'm after all my female friends, fantasize about them, have secret crushes on them, etc.
What the hell? Friends are friends to me.


----------



## Cheveyo (Nov 19, 2010)

Crystall said:


> Yes! I even quoted that conversation from "When Harry Met Sally" in a previous post! You women say this all the time, but if you are truly honest with yourself;
> 
> If you and your male friend were alone at his place one night and you suddenly got naked and asked him to have sex with you, do you think that he would say "No! I treasure our friendship too much." or you you think he would jump your bones?
> 
> Come on ladies. I mean... Come on.




Yeah, the only way I'd say no is if I was in a relationship at the time.
Any other time, if a female friend did that, I'd go for it. Probably regret it after, but the junk tends to override the brain in that kind of situation. God gave man two heads and only enough blood to run one at a time.


----------



## skycloud86 (Jul 15, 2009)

Crystall said:


> Yes! I even quoted that conversation from "When Harry Met Sally" in a previous post! You women say this all the time, but if you are truly honest with yourself;
> 
> If you and your male friend were alone at his place one night and you suddenly got naked and asked him to have sex with you, do you think that he would say "No! I treasure our friendship too much." or you you think he would jump your bones?
> 
> Come on ladies. I mean... Come on.


Not all men are sex-obsessed animals who take every opportunity they can to have sex. I really hope you were joking with this post, because it has to be such an idiotic stereotype of men. What if he was in a relationship with someone else, or was gay, or asexual? What if he wasn't in the mood for sex?


----------



## skycloud86 (Jul 15, 2009)

Cheveyo said:


> Yeah, the only way I'd say no is if I was in a relationship at the time.


And if you weren't in the mood for sex? What if you had just been told of the death of a loved one or friend? What if you had just been told you had cancer? What if you were feeling ill or depressed?

There's more than one reason why you would say no, and you know there is.



> Any other time, if a female friend did that, I'd go for it. Probably regret it after, but the junk tends to override the brain in that kind of situation.


So, you can't control yourself?



> God gave man two heads and only enough blood to run one at a time.


Without going into the debate about evolution and creationism, you're actually wrong. The brain itself is the reason why that blood is flowing to the penis, rather than the brain being starved of blood during erection.


----------



## Bunker Man (Jan 4, 2011)

Crystall said:


> If you and your male friend were alone at his place one night and you suddenly got naked and asked him to have sex with you, do you think that he would say "No! I treasure our friendship too much." or you you think he would jump your bones?
> 
> Come on ladies. I mean... Come on.


I don't know about the people YOU know, but yes, some people with self control actually exist.


----------



## Crystall (Mar 30, 2010)

skycloud86 said:


> Not all men are sex-obsessed animals who take every opportunity they can to have sex. I really hope you were joking with this post, because it has to be such an idiotic stereotype of men. What if he was in a relationship with someone else, or was gay, or asexual? What if he wasn't in the mood for sex?


Now you're just nit picking. I was simply making a generalization, and I'm obviously assuming that the guy is neither of those things (I did list most of them in a previous post). 
I may have been joking a little, but I do believe that there is truth to what I said. Please refrain from calling my beliefs idiotic. It is uncalled for and it hurts my feelings.


----------



## skycloud86 (Jul 15, 2009)

Crystall said:


> Now you're just nit picking. I was simply making a generalization, and I'm obviously assuming that the guy is neither of those things (I did list most of them in a previous post).
> I may have been joking a little, but I do believe that there is truth to what I said. Please refrain from calling my beliefs idiotic. It is uncalled for and it hurts my feelings.


It didn't seem like you were making a generalisation - in fact, your post makes it sound as if you believe all men are the same in regards to a chance to have sex. There may be some truth in what you said, but only so much as there are some men who would take any such opportunity. Not all men are the same.


----------



## Crystall (Mar 30, 2010)

skycloud86 said:


> It didn't seem like you were making a generalisation - in fact, your post makes it sound as if you believe all men are the same in regards to a chance to have sex. There may be some truth in what you said, but only so much as there are some men who would take any such opportunity. Not all men are the same.


Even though men and women don't seem to differ much when it comes to levels of sexual desire, men are more inclined to have a larger number of different sexual partners than women, and to have sex with different kinds of women (for ex women they don't even know, or women whom they already consider to be their friends). 

"By Nature men are made to seek as much sex as they can get, so they can spread their seed wider.

By Nature women are made to seek as many admirers as they can get, so they can make a better choice and get the best seed.

Men seek quantity - women seek quality." Why men want sex and women want love

The biological reason for it is that men are eager to spread their seed to different women, whereas women have to choose their mates carefully; to make sure that he will stay with her and protect her throughout the pregnancy. 

Let's all enjoy an educational video:


----------



## Crystall (Mar 30, 2010)

By the way, just to be clear; that was me making another generalization.


----------



## Bunker Man (Jan 4, 2011)

Crystall said:


> Now you're just nit picking. I was simply making a generalization, and I'm obviously assuming that the guy is neither of those things (I did list most of them in a previous post).
> I may have been joking a little, but I do believe that there is truth to what I said. Please refrain from calling my beliefs idiotic. It is uncalled for and it hurts my feelings.


Wait. You're lumping a whole sex together as mindless automata animals of uncontrollable desire and you're the one getting offended that people don't approve of you doing this?


----------



## Crystall (Mar 30, 2010)

Bunker Man said:


> Wait. You're lumping a whole sex together as mindless automata animals of uncontrollable desire and you're the one getting offended that people don't approve of you doing this?


When did I say that all men were uncontrollably horny mindless machine animals? :crazy:
And nope, I got offended because he was questioning my intelligence.


----------



## MrSmashem (Aug 25, 2010)

skycloud86 said:


> Without going into the debate about evolution and creationism, you're actually wrong. The brain itself is the reason why that blood is flowing to the penis, rather than the brain being starved of blood during erection.


Woah, somebody took that a little too seriously...


----------



## Eerie (Feb 9, 2011)

jack london said:


> But do we know if they want more than a friendship? Have you ever seen the movie "When Harry met Sally?" it explains my posts really well.


I know for a fact, they do not.


----------



## skycloud86 (Jul 15, 2009)

Crystall said:


> When did I say that all men were uncontrollably horny mindless machine animals? :crazy:


How about your generalisation about men that, if a naked woman offered them sex they would accept it?



> And nope, I got offended because he was questioning my intelligence.


Even the most intelligent people can make idiotic statements, so rather than questioning your intelligence, I was questioning the intelligence of the statement that you posted.


----------



## Female INFJ (Feb 27, 2010)

jack london.

There are many difficulties to do this male-female friendship thing. But certainly I would be happy to be friends with a male. And also I believe it is possible for a man and a woman to be just friends. Why I say difficulties? Because I have found most males are interested in finding life partners, and their desire to do this increases with age. Time is also less available for friendships because of this. I don't feel this is the case, but I have found guys getting impatient, and not staying committed to a friendship it is not going 'anywhere' sexually, or if the girl friend they are trying to befriend takes up too much time for whatever reason. 

I thought women were flaky, until I started trying to have 'male' friends! Holy, emotional! Also for the man and woman, they have to be 'same page' for a while, which is so impossible. For example I find friends with younger males, as men my own age are more looking for partners. However, I have less in common with younger guys. I'm not interested in a lot of what they are into. This is so complicated, am I saying any of this right?! I find younger men more able to see me as a 'friend' and not a woman to be attracted to. Not sure why that is, but perhaps growing up in the 90s has with all of the emphasis on 'equal' stuff, things have changed. I have no problem with it. 

I have problems with flaky guys, who aren't committed friends (there one day, gone next) and whom you have to do all the planning for. Not saying all guys are exactly as I describe. But that is ok, in life I know people generally (male and female) look out for their own interests. For example of a male and female are in school studying similar subjects, no reason why friendships can't bloom, or in other areas. 

I think the answer to this question depends on the interests of a person, and how/why they interact with the opposite sex, and how they see other people fitting into their lives. Immediate goals, like whether or not a person is looking for a life partner. Also perception. I feel all friends are valuable, and I make time. Sometimes it could just be that 'friend' who introduces you to your life partner. Why many guys don't see this, I don't know. It could be maybe inability to multi-task (again, not all guys). But I would be so happy to have more male friends!

In terms of physical attractiveness, I think over all, friends or not, people select others to be around whom they find to be 'attractive' people. I don't always follow those rules, because I think all persons can be special, and I am happy to see positive qualities in others, even if they aren't 'attractive'. In this process, people become valuable to me. 

But either way, friends or not, physical attractiveness comes into play. Perhaps a girl wouldn't spend as much time dressing up for a guy friend. My sister likes to dress up when seeing her guy friend, she likes to feel 'attractive' always, and likes the attention. Me, I don't care to dress up for guys, I dress up for me. But this has to reformed obviously if I want to find a nice guy to like me in these modern days. Style has somehow become part of identity. From artistic perspective, this is great! But in life, not so sure I want to be judged by my appearance always.


----------



## darksoul (Jul 17, 2010)

Crystall said:


> If you and your male friend were alone at his place one night and you suddenly got naked and asked him to have sex with you, do you think that he would say "No! I treasure our friendship too much." or you you think he would jump your bones?


That actually happened to me. I tried to jump a guy who saw me as his best friend. Well, he turned me down and proceeded to giving me a speech on why sex would ruin the friendship. :crazy:


----------



## Eerie (Feb 9, 2011)

The amount of people saying they cannot be friends is outrageous to me ... I know my male friends are just my friends. And some of my best friends are male. 

I'm bisexual, so I guess that means I just can't be friends with anyone, according to the logic used in some of these posts.


----------



## Crystall (Mar 30, 2010)

Unicorntopia said:


> You can channel those feelings into doing nice things for them. Love is easy to channel since it is so good. I channel my love for a long time friend that I cannot be with in "that way" into never fighting with her, making her laugh and feel loved and giving myself a general confidence that love exists and all I have to do is wait around for it to arise between me and a person that I can be with in "that way." We can love many, many people of all different types. We choose what to do with that love and how to act on it. I have loved, not including my family, at least 7 people. I think being an SX enneagram influences that number to be high.


But isn't that just torturing yourself? I know I can't be friends with someone I'd rather be in a relationship with. It would be incredibly bittersweet and that is just not my thing.


----------



## Unicorntopia (Jun 18, 2010)

Crystall said:


> But isn't that just torturing yourself? I know I can't be friends with someone I'd rather be in a relationship with. It would be incredibly bittersweet and that is just not my thing.


There is an element of drama about it, but I would much rather have the love we have than not have it. I am truly thankful to feel love for the ones I feel love for. It is your choice whether to get bitter about it. It takes an agreement between two or more people to allow anyone to own anything. Between the two of us this is the agreement of what parts of each other we are aloud to own. You can take what is given and give back what they are willing to receive or you can choose to have nothing. She wants certain things that I cannot provide. I love her by giving her that freedom and loving her in other ways. She very much appreciates that. This does not in any way inhibit me from finding love with others. We can choose to all be a big happy, loving, accepting family.


----------



## Hokahey (Oct 8, 2010)

sleepinghyacinth said:


> The amount of people saying they cannot be friends is outrageous to me ... I know my male friends are just my friends. And some of my best friends are male.
> 
> I'm bisexual, so I guess that means I just can't be friends with anyone, according to the logic used in some of these posts.


Nope just lovers, haha just kidding. 

Nah, I think women and men can be friends, I just don't think it's impossible to say there isn't the possible attraction between the two whether it ever surfaces or not. I'm also not saying it's ever a strong feeling but more of a random thought sometimes. Again, generally.


----------



## Crystall (Mar 30, 2010)

Unicorntopia said:


> There is an element of drama about it, but I would much rather have the love we have than not have it. I am truly thankful to feel love for the ones I feel love for. It is your choice whether to get bitter about it. It takes an agreement between two or more people to allow anyone to own anything. Between the two of us this is the agreement of what parts of each other we are aloud to own. You can take what is given and give back what they are willing to receive or you can choose to have nothing. She wants certain things that I cannot provide. I love her by giving her that freedom and loving her in other ways. She very much appreciates that. This does not in any way inhibit me from finding love with others. We can choose to all be a big happy, loving, accepting family.


I'm not talking about being bitter about it, I'm talking about the bitter sadness of being so close to someone, yet not as close as you want to be. For me it would be too painful and heartbreaking.


----------



## Hokahey (Oct 8, 2010)

Crystall said:


> I'm not talking about being bitter about it, I'm talking about the bitter sadness of being so close to someone, yet not as close as you want to be. For me it would be too painful and heartbreaking.


----------



## Unicorntopia (Jun 18, 2010)

Crystall said:


> I'm not talking about being bitter about it, I'm talking about the bitter sadness of being so close to someone, yet not as close as you want to be. For me it would be too painful and heartbreaking.


I guess I can see where you are coming from. I had an ex that I do not speak with anymore because I wanted a level of closeness that he did not after we broke up. My friend however, did not choose to take away the closeness, only choose to not take it in a physical/dating direction. We still are on the closest level I have ever experienced with another. I am on that level with a few people some I am physically attracted to and some I am not. It is true once you get to a level of closeness, it is painful and heartbreaking to go back. I cried everyday for 9 months after me and that particular ex broke up. He did not know how or was not comfortable yet with being close in a friend way but not in a exclusive sexual relationship way. People have to learn how to separate the two in their mind. This is extremely difficult and many people never succeed. I am acutely familiar with it being in the massage therapy field. But instead of it being separating sex and closeness, in massage you have to separate sex and touch. But they are extremely similar and a lot of the time they (closeness and touch) happen together.


----------



## jack london (Aug 27, 2010)

Eerie said:


> The amount of people saying they cannot be friends is outrageous to me ... I know my male friends are just my friends. And some of my best friends are male.
> 
> I'm bisexual, so I guess that means I just can't be friends with anyone, according to the logic used in some of these posts.


@Eerie
I didn't make this post to offend anyone. I just wanted people to objectively look at their friendships from the other person's standpoint. 

Personally, I would like to be closer to my women acquaintances but that would offend my SO. If there is something that I am missing I need to work with my SO - you know work on those communication skills. 

For some people, they might not realize that other person really likes them for *more *than a friend. If I should have made the title different I am open to suggestions.


----------



## Hokahey (Oct 8, 2010)

jack london said:


> If I should have made the title different I am open to suggestions.


Why can't life be simple, and we all just get along? LOL....


----------



## Fizz (Nov 13, 2010)

Eerie said:


> The amount of people saying they cannot be friends is outrageous to me ... I know my male friends are just my friends. And some of my best friends are male.
> 
> *I'm bisexual, so I guess that means I just can't be friends with anyone, according to the logic used in some of these posts. *


That's been bothering me whenever bisexuals come up. There's this assumption that we're just going to cheat and there's no question about it. It bothers me because it's just like slapping a label on bisexuals reading: *DAMAGED GOODS*. As if we're incapable of not having sex with things.


----------



## Female INFJ (Feb 27, 2010)

Eerie said:


> The amount of people saying they cannot be friends is outrageous to me ... I know my male friends are just my friends. And some of my best friends are male.
> 
> I'm bisexual, so I guess that means I just can't be friends with anyone, according to the logic used in some of these posts.


Eerie.

This could also mean the 'opposite' because I've found that most people start friendships with people they would find attractive. I think few people disclose the reason they enter a friendship. I like friendships to happen naturally, with common interests I suppose. I don't approach people I'm attracted to 'as friends'. But I think many males and females do this. I suppose it makes life interesting. 

My point is I wouldn't be quick to assume that friends are just friends without 'attractions' brewing. Not saying this is your issue, but it happens very frequently! I think many ladies would be surprised to find out how many guy friends they have that actually 'like' them more than friends. But does that really matter? Friendships can and should evolve. Maybe in motion and constant change, men and women can be great friends! But depends on the purpose of the two persons entering the friendship. 

How is this to add the topic...Have any girls experienced this-- when a guy starts out by acting like a 'friend' falsely and then gets upset when a girl doesn't get that he really wants more, and then the guy gets angry at her for not getting the point? Kind of harsh, but I see this happen a lot, especially with older men, who kind of assume a girl they are dealing with is not that naive. But it seems that naivete doesn't have an age limit!


----------



## Eerie (Feb 9, 2011)

That's never really happened to me though. I know it sounds bad, but I am a bigger woman, so I feel like because of this, it's very very easy for my male friends to just see me as a friend. It's hard for me to meet people in real life who are actually attracted to me. I'm not considered "attractive" by society's measures. So I feel like my male friends are just that, friends. And I am not attracted to them, physically... I don't seek out people who I think are physically attractive, I just like people for who they are on the inside.


----------



## Female INFJ (Feb 27, 2010)

Eerie said:


> That's never really happened to me though. I know it sounds bad, but I am a bigger woman, so I feel like because of this, it's very very easy for my male friends to just see me as a friend. It's hard for me to meet people in real life who are actually attracted to me. I'm not considered "attractive" by society's measures. So I feel like my male friends are just that, friends. And I am not attracted to them, physically... I don't seek out people who I think are physically attractive, I just like people for who they are on the inside.


Eerie.

Yay! I am happy that I took the time to reply to your post. We do have some things in common in this Thread. Your gaze is a little intimidating, so I wasn't sure if I could replyl. I love your eyes, you seem so beautiful. I feel the same way. I don't fit into 'pretty girl' category, most men see me as non-threatening as a friend. I suppose many of them are not attracted to me because I am more plump. And I'm sure there are a few other factors! There is that 'Single' Thread, likely that is more appropriate to elaborate there. 

This is ok most of the time, to be this kind of girl, but feels sad sometimes, to not be the kind of girl that guys chase around! tee hee Most men have no taste anyhow, I think you are pretty if that is you in the Avatar. Great eyes too. The standard for skinny women is so intense now. Only tweens seem to fit it! I've just given up on that.

I agree. I like people too, for who they are on the inside.


----------



## Eerie (Feb 9, 2011)

I get that I'm intimidating all the time... I still haven't figured this one out haha!


----------



## Hokahey (Oct 8, 2010)

Relationships and friendships are very similar in nature. Both built on something (usually trust) both have the possibility of attraction but only difference is one is actually required to have attraction (defined by individuals, whether it be personal, physical, or otherwise) where the other does not require but definitely could be a hidden trait that was simply buried for whatever reason.

Also, I don't care how intimidating eerie's eyes are, they are simply amazing as she already knows this, and beauty itself is self-defined.


----------



## jack london (Aug 27, 2010)

Just for the record @Eerie you have sweet eyes. Just sayin


----------



## Female INFJ (Feb 27, 2010)

Eerie said:


> I get that I'm intimidating all the time... I still haven't figured this one out haha!


OMG! Intimidation factor...I wrote the book! tee hee Ok, until recently I have become a lot softer. But there is a lot to discuss here. Perhaps I'll find a Thread on women like this, and invite you! Well your eyes are kind of determined. And there is a fearlessness in the gaze, and also your choice of hair color. 

Clearly you are wearing black? I assume you do that often? On ladies black can seem very different. Some wear black to hide (kind of goes with everything) and other ladies, when you put black on, it is like a power color. I don't wear black anymore, but I can be quite intimidating in black. You seem quite fun and interesting to me! But I am not easily intimidated. 

Perhaps to find the answers to why people find you intimidating, observe yourself and introspect on your interaction with others. And see how less intimidating girls are behaving. Being 'intimidating' may send people away for sure. Which is cool, unless you are sending people you like away ): If you wish to change, then do a little self-reserach  I will not further discuss this here. 

Unless perhaps PerC persons (this topic can relate to this Thread also); what types of males or females do you seek friendship with? Are there persons you would avoid making friends with? This issue may be part of this topic!


----------



## Eerie (Feb 9, 2011)

Maybe someone should make a thread about that.... and yeah I am wearing a black dress in that picture. I just like to wear black.... it's the best color for people my size I think 

And my hair color... I almost actually went brunette yesterday but I feel like I'd lose part of my "identity" if I went away from red, as silly as that sounds.


----------



## jack london (Aug 27, 2010)

Eerie said:


> I get that I'm intimidating all the time... I still haven't figured this one out haha!


I think that might be the the other person's problem. I see people's actions not as intimidating but more like mysterious. That you are showing the other person that you aren't a pushover and if they want to get to know you then they need to earn your trust/respect. Some people say that INTJs can be intimidating but really we are just busy with other things and we need time to warm up to you.


----------



## fizzygirl (Feb 22, 2011)

I don't know if I'm alone in this, but I've noticed that I tend to want my male friends to think that I'm attractive, though I really wouldn't want a relationship with any of them except my very best friend, but let's not get into that.....


----------



## Unicorntopia (Jun 18, 2010)

@SyndiCat I will keep you on the back burner, in my back pocket, and when I am feeling spuckily aggresive, I will take it out on you with no remourse. roud:

... > 

^^if only there was a capital "d" with fangs! 

...lol


----------



## SyndiCat (Oct 2, 2010)

Unicorntopia said:


> @SyndiCat I will keep you on the back burner, in my back pocket, and when I am feeling spuckily aggresive, I will take it out on you with no remourse. roud:


I'm used to it.


----------



## Curlyfusion (Mar 18, 2011)

Yes, of course men can just be friends with women. It also depends on the specifics of the two people involved too. I have several female friends who I am quite happy remaining friends with because I know we would be incompatible as a couple, but we have enough in common to be friends. There are also some personality traits in one of my female friends that I would find hard to deal with if we were to become a couple. 

I think there is some thought out there that goes something like this that most people have: If I am friends with a girl and I like her then shouldn't I automatically want her to be my girlfriend?


----------



## unico (Feb 3, 2011)

It's weird, but I really believe men and women can be just friends, but all my friendships with males have either led to romantic relationships or unrequited romantic feelings. Sometimes it wasn't a big deal, though, and the male's feelings for me would pass (my feelings do not pass so easily).


----------



## Cleo (Jan 31, 2011)

unico said:


> It's weird, but I really believe men and women can be just friends, but all my friendships with males have either led to romantic relationships or unrequited romantic feelings. Sometimes it wasn't a big deal, though, and the male's feelings for me would pass (my feelings do not pass so easily).


That is why I kind of close of contact with males I like. I guess this isn't good if they don't know why I stop talking to them. I just want them to prove they really like me and are serious about me. I feel hurt easily, even if it simply they weren't interested in the first place. I have this idea that men have an obligation with me, even if we never made any mutual commitment. I just think somebody should have cared enough to come along by now.


----------



## strawberryLola (Sep 19, 2010)

In my experiences, no. I usually can be friends with a guy if there is an inkling that he is gay. Then I let my guard down.

For some reason, friendliness ime usually is mistaken for, "oh, she is into me" "she must be flirting."

I've been told to be less friendly and smile less, then guys will not take it the wrong way. Who cares?

It's unfortunate, because i do like to hang out with guys, especially the non-gossipy types who like to kick back & have fun!


----------



## jdmn (Feb 5, 2010)

I think it is possible, and with a lot of confidence and trust, but it surely depends on maturity and respect of both parties. You can feel a lot empathy, connection, closeness, understanding, you can be a friend and even find them physically attractive, you can even still have some mild romantic towards this person, but that doens't mean you can't keep the friendship as friendship. That depends on how much respect have both parties to the boundaries a friendship sets. 

When someone has very very strong feelings of romance or attraction to the other, then it can be a problem. This person may keep his/her hard feelings for long, but it will surely affect one way or other the friendship with jealously, frustration, etc. It would be that this person must deal with these feelings and decide if he/she will pursuit the friend or keep the line.


----------



## Pyroscope (Apr 8, 2010)

Part of what ruins friendships where one or both of you are attracted to the other but cannot, or will not, pursue it, is the fact that you may have concerns over 'owning up' to it, so the tension is never resolved.

I am attracted to several of my female friends, what I would do it they 'offered me a chance' is nearly impossible to answer because I know that would *never* happen. I'm well aware they're not interested in me and that's fine with me, because I'm not desperately desiring them or anything.

Anyway, the point is, I have been attracted to female friends that does definitely affect how we interact. Example being: I am more nervous giving physical affection to people I am attracted to in case they somehow discern my attraction to them and are disconcerted by it. I'm fairly sure this is irrational but it happens regardless.

If I could own up to it and say 'I find you sexually attractive, but I know you don't feel the same way towards me and I enjoy being your friend without all of that stuff' without worrying that they wouldn't be able to forget my attraction and would thus treat me differently and keep me behind some kind of friendship 'barrier' then I would be more comfortable admitting my attraction to friends.

I think one of the problems is that if someone tells us they are attracted to us and we don't feel the same, then we feel bad about the relationship staying the same way because we instinctively imagine we're 'leading them on' even if they say "it's fine, I'm happy with friendship and nothing more", it seems to be impossible for us to accept that someone could be attracted to us and we would be 'safe', so to speak, of them making any advances on us in the future. This is pretty weird when you consider that we can make free choices so we're always allowed to say no. Presumably it's because as soon as we hear 'I'm attracted to you' we can't stop anticipating the next time we'll have to deny them.

I think men and women CAN be friends with members of the gender they're attracted to, EVEN with being attracted to each other, but not if they're as secretive about their feelings and don't accept each other for who they are. You can only be friends with someone who you know is attracted to you that you are not yourself attracted to if you are willing to accept that their attraction does not mean they are still actually waiting for a chance with you, there is a lot of trust involved in friendships, I just see this as another confusing level that we tend to feel uncomfortable with acknowledging.


----------



## Up and Away (Mar 5, 2011)

Yes as long as the attraction doesn't ever cross a line. Once it is crossed, I think only in the exception can it go back to friendship.


----------



## Jolie (Mar 26, 2011)

I think some can and some can't- it really depends a lot on how you function affectively.I'm the kind of person who can- as a matter of fact, I also tend to remain close friend with my exes-but I have met some people, both male and female, who said they couldn't. ​


----------



## Elsewhere1 (Mar 22, 2011)

@ Jack London: I don't think you are completely wrong As a woman, I would like to say that "yes men and and women can be friends". However, it has not always worked out that way for me. I continually find myself in "friendships" with men who want to befriend me but only for the wrong reasons. I recently had to draw a HUGE and Clear line with a friend of mine who is a man because I felt he was trying to go in a direction that I did not want to go in. I am happily married and have no desire for any man other than my husband. I would like to think that there are no underlying motives in a mans heart when he is friendly with me but experience has proven me wrong.


----------



## zelder (Apr 17, 2011)

If the woman is really unattractive then sure, I can just be friends. If she is beautiful and she finds me attractive too then it's going to be a tempting situation.


----------



## tnredhead (Apr 5, 2011)

This thread has been a most interesting read....

Oh and according to the "experts", the answer is yes, men and women can be "just" friends. 

Just like with all relationships, if someone is disingenuous about their intentions or are otherwise emotionally stunted (sorry, couldn't think of a nicer way to put it), then of course the friendship is not going to work out regardless of the sex of the parties involved.

Hanging around with someone in the hopes that they will become romantically involved with you (or better yet, to get into their pants) does not classify you as a "friend". Just thought I'd toss that out there.


----------



## skycloud86 (Jul 15, 2009)

zelder said:


> If the woman is really unattractive then sure, I can just be friends. If she is beautiful and she finds me attractive too then it's going to be a tempting situation.


But what if she is unattractive - in your opinion - but finds you attractive? What if she doesn't find you attractive and you do?


----------



## 3053 (Oct 14, 2009)

I hate to admit it... but there always seems to be some sort of an invisible force of _omg sexual sex hehe_ hidden throughout the air...

I dunno maybe that's just me


----------



## zelder (Apr 17, 2011)

skycloud86 said:


> But what if she is unattractive - in your opinion - but finds you attractive? What if she doesn't find you attractive and you do?


For me I think both parties have to be attracted. If only one person is attracted and the other is not then the temptation has been diffused. I'm only speaking for myself though. Maybe some people could get sucked into a romance when they were not initially interested, I'm not like that.


----------

