# Super Boring Roommate. Please Help!



## 1000BugsNightSky (May 8, 2014)

I can't take it anymore! How do you handle a situation like this??? :shocked::crazy::angry:


**SHORT VERSION*
*My roommate is too boring and won't take an effort to get to know me. She spends time with highschool friends, so she closes herself off to making new friends. What do I do? I need someone to explore/ socialize with. It's so awkward when the person you live with won't talk to you. She converts her shyness to the let me do what i am doing attitude. By this, I mean staring at her phone or computer. 
*
*LONG VERSION*

EDIT (8/31): I RAMBLE IN THIS VERSION, SO YOU SHOULD READ THE CLARIFICATION POST IN PG. 2 INSTEAD.
EDIT #2 (8/31): I just took this off because it came of very WRONG and mean. Lol, learned my lesson to never type i na bad mood. But I wold still appreciate any advice/ personal experiences with less than ideal roommates! :tongue:.

*


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## Echoe (Apr 23, 2012)

Lol, sorry you're socially suffering. She might be distant because no relational "obligations" gives her more freedom in the house, and/or because it perhaps reduces the odds of drama.

If she's sending out "I don't want to talk" signals, it's only respectful to oblige that. I suggest you just forget her, she's simply not interested in hanging out, and join school clubs, for example. Especially early in the year, you'll find others branching out in such places, and you'll see many of them routinely and will thus get to know each better. A lot of the people hanging with roommates now will probably stop doing so or less often later because they all probably only connect so well, so you may see many of them branching out soon too, lol.


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## melancholy (Aug 14, 2014)

I wish I could have your roommate.
Just my luck and I'll be getting a noisy one.

In all honesty, I would respect her wishes and leave her alone.
Just because you're sharing a room together doesn't mean friendship is mandatory.

Go out and join some clubs. You'll find someone with the same interests that way.


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## Chamberlain (Dec 28, 2012)

" I wish I could just tell her, "listen, we are going to have to live together, so you have to talk to me, whether you like it or not. So get off your computer. You are boring me to death."

I'm an E/INFP and if I felt that you were sending those kinds of vibe, I would do my best to avoid you.
I don't talk to people when I don't want to, so if she's not hanging out with you it's for a reason. She doesn't feel you guys are compatible and she doesn't feel the need to establish any connection with you.

She's not boring, she just doesn't want to have anything to do with you (she's got her own friends and does her own thing), and imo I think she'd think you're annoying.

My ENTJ best friend shared an apartment with 4 other girls and didn't socialize at all with them because she didn't like them. Having roommates doesn't automatically mean you're gonna be best buddies. Some people are perfectly okay with the idea of just living in the same place, but not doing things together. Obviously you're not one of them.


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## mysterie (Jul 16, 2014)

you're complaining about a lot of peoples ideal roommate


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## 1000BugsNightSky (May 8, 2014)

Chamberlain said:


> " I wish I could just tell her, "listen, we are going to have to live together, so you have to talk to me, whether you like it or not. So get off your computer. You are boring me to death."
> 
> I'm an E/INFP and if I felt that you were sending those kinds of vibe, I would do my best to avoid you.
> I don't talk to people when I don't want to, so if she's not hanging out with you it's for a reason. She doesn't feel you guys are compatible and she doesn't feel the need to establish any connection with you.
> ...


I dont exactly think that's the problem. i am being very nice to her. It's just when she doesnt respond to the niceness that makes me annoyed. I mean, you dont have to respond nicely, i just want a response that doesnt look like she's ignoring. Btw, i was prettt annoyed when i wrote that, and it sounds a lot worse. And I realizz that it is my fault for expecting too much. But i just want to be at that level where we can comfortably comunicate with eachother. I've never been in a stiuation like this, so I don't know w
How to deal with it. How do you deal with a boring roommate?

Edit: she gives no vibes of 'i dont like you'. I think she does like me enough. The problem is that she is taking no effort to becone comfortable with me.


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## 1000BugsNightSky (May 8, 2014)

Echoe said:


> Lol, sorry you're socially suffering. She might be distant because no relational "obligations" gives her more freedom in the house, and/or because it perhaps reduces the odds of drama.
> 
> If she's sending out "I don't want to talk" signals, it's only respectful to oblige that. I suggest you just forget her, she's simply not interested in hanging out, and join school clubs, for example. Especially early in the year, you'll find others branching out in such places, and you'll see many of them routinely and will thus get to know each better. A lot of the people hanging with roommates now will probably stop doing so or less often later because they all probably only connect so well, so you may see many of them branching out soon too, lol.


Thx for the advice. 
But the weird thing is is that i think she secretly does want to spend time. It's just that she's not comfortable so she closes herself off. 
For example, I was talking to her about a organization/club, and she seemed to be interested, so I asked her if she wanted to come, and she said yes.
So it's not like she wants to get away from me.

I guess I should give her some time, but it's getting awfully boring and awkward.


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## theflame (Apr 12, 2014)

I'm saying in general I don't get why people make living situations hostile and awkward when they have to see the person all the time. I'm cool with all my current roommates. My roommates are my friends - we share the bills, etc. In college, the girls I roomed with didn't go out of their way to be my friends. I have found having guy roommates, they would like to be friends (nothing more though thank God). I like doing shopping and things for the place with roommates since we do live together. Currently I live with a woman and her boyfriend and they are my friends just fine. We sometimes go shopping, but we don't really hang out much since I'm trying to get my writing projects finished.

I usually ask my roommates if they want to go to the store with me to hang out since there's not much to do around here.


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## sink (May 21, 2014)

melancholy said:


> Just because you're sharing a room together doesn't mean friendship is mandatory.


^ Exactly this.
OP just because you want to be friends with your roommate it doesn't mean that she wants the same. And by her actions it's pretty obvious she does not want to interact or spend time with you.

You said you were jealous of other people's relationships with their roommates. Get over it. Just because they're best buddies with the person they're sharing their room with does not mean you have to be with yours. And in no way is she obliged to make conversation with you whatsoever. If she does not want to make new friends, that's completely fine. It's her decision, not yours. Start respecting her wishes.

So instead of looking for ways how to forcibly interact with her more I think you should start thinking about how you can be comfortable with the situation you're in. There's other ways to make friends without forcing them into it.

[edit]


Moonious said:


> Edit: she gives no vibes of 'i dont like you'. I think she does like me enough. The problem is that she is taking no effort to becone comfortable with me.


I suggest you stop being arrogant as well.


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## Bat (Jul 21, 2012)

Your roommate is obviously not going to meet your needs. Give it up and move on to plan B.


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## 1000BugsNightSky (May 8, 2014)

Clarification:
Okay so I was pretty annoyed when I wrote that, and I lost track of what I was saying. And I gave the wrong image.

She is a nice person and we have had a few interesting conversations where we were both into whatever we were talking about. It's just the majority of the times, she cant converse (like.doesnt know what to say) so just doesnt say anything. She told me herself that she is softspoken; i just didnt know it would be this intnese. She smiles and gives signs of friendliness, but doesnt interact very well, so would rather be off to herself instead of trying. This makes it very awkward to even have basic rooming type convos bc it seems like i am talking too much in comparison. 
For example, i sould unawkwardly be able to remind her to lock the door. Just things like basic conversatiins. (she always forgets to lock the door, even when no one is here. We have a big theft prob at our uni.)
I want to be able to get to that point of comfort where it doesnt seem rude to remind things like that. Where we can just freely talk. Because there might be points in the future and not knowing eachother at all can be a huge problem. I know we dont have to be bffs but at least, we should be ok with eachother. 

Personality wise, we are pretty similar. Not the most social, work hard on studies, etc so that (diff lifestyles) is not an issue. 

And of course, I would like ways to not be so bored, at least for this 3 day wknd, since clubs have begun yet and we've barely had class.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

You're not going to hit it on with everyone you meet. That goes double for roommates. If you can't be friends, you're going to have to sit down and go over some ground rules you both can live with. Otherwise, it's going to get ugly.


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## dragthewaters (Feb 9, 2013)

You should get over it. For whatever reason she's shy or doesn't have anything in common with you or maybe even is depressed about being at college, so you should stop trying to push the issue. This is like the friendship equivalent of when a guy wants to date you and won't take no for an answer. You should just move on and find someone else to be friends with.

At least be happy she isn't loud or messy or an asshole, like many peoples' roommates are. By the way, it's not even that common for someone to end up being close friends with their roommate. Most commonly they are usually like an acquaintance you hang out with sometimes and occasionally catch up with after you stop living together. At the worst they are the bane of your existence.


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## 1000BugsNightSky (May 8, 2014)

Karin said:


> I suggest you stop being arrogant as well.


Just because ppl like you doesn't mean that you are arrogant. 
I don't mean she likes me like she wants to be my new best friend, but mroe like a respect type. And I like her as a person too. She just bores me as a roommate. And I wanted to hear similar experiences or how to get past this boredom and or awkwardness. 

There are genral signs when when someone likes you. Like she genuinely listens to me when I talk to her and she smiles. It's just that she can't carry the conversation well and goes to herself instead. We have had a few conversations that did go well and we had fun too. It's just that other than those cnversations, if she isn't in to expressing herself, she won't do it at all.

And I definitely don't come off as rude in real life. You'll just have to trust me on that. It's just one of the few times people make me angry and I don't know what to do with that anger, when I lose it (and decide to vent on here).


On a side note, things have been getting a lot better. Still not perfect, but OK. I think she will open up with time. It's just that these first few days, we need to be able to communicate well and like @tanstaafl28 said, we should be able to set up ground rules effectively. At this point, I think it's the communnication that is the problem. I was just annoyed the time I wrote this that I started venting and lost focus of what I was sAying, and TBH I feel better. :tongue: The friend part, I think she will open up in the future now. Now that I have a clearer mind, I might just take that off bc that really came off wrong. She may still be boring, but I think communication& friendship (by friendship, I mean close aquaintance. Not like we do everything together.) will get better with time. I was just getting extremely impatient.

And the texas heat always makes me crankier. They really need to turn up the A/C here.


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## Chamberlain (Dec 28, 2012)

" She may still be boring"

I really don't like that sentence for some reason.
/off


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## Noelle (Apr 25, 2012)

As a former super boring roommate...


Being a shy introvert suddenly shoved into a room with someone you don't know sucks. *SUPER* sucks. It is mentally terrifying, stressful, and annoying. To be honest, she could easily be on here saying "I have a roommate that never shuts up and just won't leave me alone." I haven't had extreme problems with any roommate except one, and I still hated rooming with every single one of them. I was MUCH happier when I had a room to myself, or I lived in an apartment that at least had walls. Hell, when I moved into a studio apartment with my boyfriend (now husband, so obviously I enjoyed his company and loved him) I STILL went insano and hated it until I got used to sharing my space with someone else. We got along MUCH better when we had a 3 roomer to ourselves so I could actually BREATHE.


The fact that she's acting friendly towards you and likes talking to you is a good sign, she probably likes you and will probably be friends with you in the future. If she's off by herself a lot AND clinging to her old high school friends, she's probably having a hard time moving on from them, and that's okay too. I'd just start out slow, like inviting her to clubs and maybe lunch every once in a while. Going to meals together is awesome because it's a) something you need to do anyway so its not taking up extra time and b) you're partially focusing on stuffing your face, so it's probably the least invasive least stressful way for a shy introvert to go out and do stuff with new people.


Good luck, and I really do hope you guys get along well. I just wanted to add in the perspective from the other side, so hopefully you can empathize/understand her position more.


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## TwinAnthos (Aug 11, 2014)

Moonious said:


> I can't take it anymore! How do you handle a situation like this??? :shocked::crazy::angry:
> 
> 
> **SHORT VERSION*
> ...


1. Go over some rules that apply for both of you. 
2. Leave your roomate alone. You have shown interest in being friends, if they don't then screw that. If they want to be your friend they will try to.


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## 1000BugsNightSky (May 8, 2014)

Update: she asked me do hang out with her the entire day ( I was planning to do hw, so it was completely her choice). So like I said, it's not that she doesnt like me. 
But things are getting a lot better now. I think I just became impatient and I expected too much. In fact, I thought I would be the shy quiet roommate, but it was not so. so yeah, Im over it now, like many of you said. In fact, Im kind of embarrassed about this thread. Thanks to whomever gave advice. 
Do I have to ask a moderator or administrator to delete this thread? I feel really bad & definitely did not do a good job explaining the situation. I promise I am not a controlling person IRL (i think i came off that way). Iwas just frustated that I was putting in so much effort with little outcome. But it's getting a lot better.


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## Polexia (Apr 22, 2014)

Moonious said:


> Thx for the advice.
> But the weird thing is is that i think she secretly does want to spend time. It's just that she's not comfortable so she closes herself off.
> For example, I was talking to her about a organization/club, and she seemed to be interested, so I asked her if she wanted to come, and she said yes.
> So it's not like she wants to get away from me.
> ...


Well, since these are just your hunges about how she feels/things I would continue to be civil, pleasant and nice when you see her but to not expect anything else from her. You should try and find other people to socialize with in stead. I honestly don't see her behavior as a problem. She might just have a larger need than you for time alone, or to socialize with people she already know and you should respect that. Also, she might be more introverted then you and you should respect that to. 

What you interpret as closing herself of might just her being herself in a new environment. Let her be who she is.


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## 1000BugsNightSky (May 8, 2014)

I guess so. But she doesnt even say anything unless I do. Like, it's not hard to say hi or goodmornig. Even something like that I would appreciate. *sigh*

Btw, idk if I said this, but she's INFP( she tested herself) with a VERY strong Fi (from the few times we did have good conversatiins. )
Dont mean anything bad on Fi users, but when she doesn't communicate, I feel very uncomfortable because I have no idea what she is thinking and it seems like.everythimg can somehow make her upset. She definitely has that internal value system. And it just becomes so uncomfortable to be around her beczuse I have no idea how to approach her. It's like she is tryig to hint stuff at me, but how do i know what if she doesn't say anything?


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