# Afraid of Myself



## devoid

I've written a few blog entries related to this topic, but I would really like to get some advice on it. There is almost nothing in this world that scares me - death, loss, phobias, etc. - with the exception of myself. I've always known that I have a great many strengths (intellect, comprehension, communication, unusually quick reflexes, adaptability) that can be put to good use, but at the same time could be easily used to hurt others. I have always been able to lie effortlessly without a tell, have always been able to understand most people better than they know themselves, and have always been able to find just the right words to destroy someone's image of reality.

Mostly I try to avoid these things at all costs. I don't drink or abuse substances because I'm terrified of losing control over myself. I have barely told a lie in my life, not that anyone would notice the difference, and I try to be completely open about myself, which leads to other difficulties. I realized recently that I tend to try to scare away people who talk to me by pointing out some of my least easily accepted traits, just because I feel like they should be afraid of me. Shouldn't they?

I know that a lot of this thinking was encouraged by my mother, who is somewhat narcissistic. I was the scapegoated child. She seriously believed that I was a bad person and imposed this on me a lot from a pretty young age. The fact that I seemed to have very little focus on emotions or empathy, the ease with which I could manipulate others and my tendency to accidentally damage peoples' feelings at such a deep level were all highly disturbing to her. I tried to show her that I was a good person, but it never sunk in. 

Now I constantly worry that I could actually be a danger to other people. I know that I have the power to control most people, and to get away with a lot of things I shouldn't. It eats at me, and it makes me terrified of involving myself in other peoples' lives. The friends I did manage to make in high school were a bit afraid of me as well, which didn't help. They joked a lot about me being "maniacal" or "twisted" and some of them started avoiding me because of the vibe I gave off. I don't know how much of this is just me personifying the things my mother told me, and how much is just who I am.

What should I do about this? Is it normal to be afraid of yourself? I'd really like to hear if anyone else has gone through something similar.


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## sprinkles

Humans are dangerous by default. It's just that many are too dazed or sheep like to realize it. Sharks - bad ass killing machines - eaten by some humans for dinner. The fearsome alligator - made into a purse or shoes. The grizzly bear - stuffed as a trophy in someone's hunting cabin.

Yes humans are one of the most dangerous species on this planet.


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## Vivid Melody

Every person is capable of doing the things you mentioned. If you were truly dangerous you wouldn't be afraid of doing those things or even care really. I really think all this has more to do with your mother's influence. I'm really sorry that she treated you that way. That was so wrong and makes me really sad. There is nothing wrong with you.


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## Konan

I barely can call this of you being "afraid of yourself." To answer your questions though yes; it is "normal" to fear oneself. It happens to everyone but not in the way you're currently experiencing it.. or so I think. I don't know you personally or your past so I could be wrong but based off of what you said; this "fear of yourself" didn't come from you but from what your mother thinks of you. You want her to accept you as a good daughter and a good person but she is inclined to believe that you are not a good person. To me; it is the fear of rejection of your friends and more importantly; your mother that you're experiencing but not quite a "fear of yourself." You confused these two concepts because she and your so called friends has "connected" these bad events/vibes as being your true character which I seriously doubt is. But as I said earlier; I could be wrong since I am not there so don't take my advice to heart, I am simply stating my opinion based off of what you posted and I pray for you that it will be enough or at least enough to make you think differently about yourself because people can say whatever they want about you; its their right but its you at the end of the day who defines who you are alone. That is my message to you.


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## devoid

Konan said:


> I barely can call this of you being "afraid of yourself." To answer your questions though yes; it is "normal" to fear oneself. It happens to everyone but not in the way you're currently experiencing it.. or so I think. I don't know you personally or your past so I could be wrong but based off of what you said; this "fear of yourself" didn't come from you but from what your mother thinks of you. You want her to accept you as a good daughter and a good person but she is inclined to believe that you are not a good person. To me; it is the fear of rejection of your friends and more importantly; your mother that you're experiencing but not quite a "fear of yourself." You confused these two concepts because she and your so called friends has "connected" these bad events/vibes as being your true character which I seriously doubt is. But as I said earlier; I could be wrong since I am not there so don't take my advice to heart, I am simply stating my opinion based off of what you posted and I pray for you that it will be enough or at least enough to make you think differently about yourself because people can say whatever they want about you; its their right but its you at the end of the day who defines who you are alone. That is my message to you.


Thank you, although I'm not quite sure I agree that I'm afraid of rejection. I mean yes, that is something that bothers me, but I really am worried about hurting people. I'd rather they reject me than I accidentally do something to upset them.


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## Konan

hziegel said:


> Thank you, although I'm not quite sure I agree that I'm afraid of rejection. I mean yes, that is something that bothers me, but I really am worried about hurting people. I'd rather they reject me than I accidentally do something to upset them.


No; at this very moment its more rejection to me. Perhaps whenever you were younger and you actually did do those things it would be different but based off of what I read from your post; it sounds like you decided to stop being that way and despite your change in your personality your mother/friends still fear you and thus you say you "fear yourself." If you truly "fear yourself" as in not being able to control yourself then that would mean that you would've repeated the past; done something in the present day that you did before but I doubt you did. Instead its the constant reminder on how they treat you that you assoicate with yourself which is in the end guilt. Know that you choose who you are as I said; you define who you are at the end of the day. If you have changed and you know that as a fact and others fail to see that you have then it is guilt not "fear of yourself."


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## friction

So how I understand this is, you have many character traits that you know are strengths but you recognize that they can be used as a weapon as well. And you're scared that you might use them as a weapon.

Well, I think firstly, instead of being scared of what you recognize as the flip side of things, you might give yourself some credit for being able to see that flip side in the first place. That demonstrates awareness and honesty with yourself. Wouldn't it be horrible if you could only see how a character trait could only be good or only be bad? It would be so difficult to police yourself if you had blinkers on. But you don't, and that's a really good thing.

Secondly, you have these traits and they're a part of you. I think you might ask yourself whether you like possessing these traits (since you seem to be afraid of them). If you don't, then you might work on reducing situations which require you to use these traits. I think in the same way that someone can cultivate and nurture a trait, you could also stunt its development. Eventually, it might wear off or fade away or become less characteristic of your behaviour/personality. On the other hand, if you like the strengths but don't like the potential badness, you could avoid situations that might get/need you to use them in a bad way. So the whole avoiding drinking thing seems like a sensible idea to me. Some people can be harmless when drunk, others can be dangerous. If you belong to the latter category, then you're doing the right thing by recognizing the potential consequences.

Also, I think it's not so much your character traits that define whether you are a bad (dangerous) person or a good (safe?) person, but how you use them. So, so long as you are the (good/safe) person you want to be, you don't need to beat yourself up for having skills. I guess you might want to think about what it means to be a good/safe person, though, and how you define that to yourself. Using your skills to help others doesn't make you a dangerous person, but you would need to reflect and draw some mental lines for yourself about when it is okay and when it is not okay to use a skill.



hziegel said:


> I'd rather they reject me than I accidentally do something to upset them.


Might there be an element of 'I tried to warn you but you didn't listen. Now I've hurt you. I told you so.' here? It seems like you feel undeserving of friendship and you're trying to find reasons why people shouldn't be your friend.

I don't know you at all, nor do I know if this is good or bad advice, but you can make that choice for yourself. Just a couple of thoughts.


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## napoleon227

Vivid Melody said:


> Every person is capable of doing the things you mentioned. If you were truly dangerous you wouldn't be afraid of doing those things or even care really. I really think all this has more to do with your mother's influence. I'm really sorry that she treated you that way. That was so wrong and makes me really sad. There is nothing wrong with you.


I would have written the same thing if you hadn't beat me to it, LOL. @hziegel is an awesome person, and if she were really going to hurt people, I don't think she would be so worried about or afraid of doing so.


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## devoid

highlandstorm said:


> So how I understand this is, you have many character traits that you know are strengths but you recognize that they can be used as a weapon as well. And you're scared that you might use them as a weapon.
> 
> Well, I think firstly, instead of being scared of what you recognize as the flip side of things, you might give yourself some credit for being able to see that flip side in the first place. That demonstrates awareness and honesty with yourself. Wouldn't it be horrible if you could only see how a character trait could only be good or only be bad? It would be so difficult to police yourself if you had blinkers on. But you don't, and that's a really good thing.
> 
> Secondly, you have these traits and they're a part of you. I think you might ask yourself whether you like possessing these traits (since you seem to be afraid of them). If you don't, then you might work on reducing situations which require you to use these traits. I think in the same way that someone can cultivate and nurture a trait, you could also stunt its development. Eventually, it might wear off or fade away or become less characteristic of your behaviour/personality. On the other hand, if you like the strengths but don't like the potential badness, you could avoid situations that might get/need you to use them in a bad way. So the whole avoiding drinking thing seems like a sensible idea to me. Some people can be harmless when drunk, others can be dangerous. If you belong to the latter category, then you're doing the right thing by recognizing the potential consequences.
> 
> Also, I think it's not so much your character traits that define whether you are a bad (dangerous) person or a good (safe?) person, but how you use them. So, so long as you are the (good/safe) person you want to be, you don't need to beat yourself up for having skills. I guess you might want to think about what it means to be a good/safe person, though, and how you define that to yourself. Using your skills to help others doesn't make you a dangerous person, but you would need to reflect and draw some mental lines for yourself about when it is okay and when it is not okay to use a skill.
> 
> 
> 
> Might there be an element of 'I tried to warn you but you didn't listen. Now I've hurt you. I told you so.' here? It seems like you feel undeserving of friendship and you're trying to find reasons why people shouldn't be your friend.
> 
> I don't know you at all, nor do I know if this is good or bad advice, but you can make that choice for yourself. Just a couple of thoughts.


Thank you! I think you pretty much hit the nail on the head for both parts.


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## Angelic Gardevoir

Just because you are capable of doing something doesn't mean that you will. I could grab a gun and go mass murderer on everybody. But I won't. Why? Because I have a little thing called morality. The very fact that you are afraid that you might hurt someone is a sign that you won't.


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## Fizz

I wouldn't be too concerned about it. I think most people are over-confident in their ability to effect others. I know I can't convince people to erect a shrine of me no matter how badly I deserve it. Then again...since I do _deserve_ a shrine, I _should_ get one. That's beside the point.

We all have the ability to hurt others even if we don't acknowledge it. Some of us are more blind to it than others. I know I can say mean things but I don't throw up my arms and call myself a monster.


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## WickedQueen

Well, my teenage moments were full of problems that hardened my character and turned me to be unhealthy ISTJ. It was until college. I met my university friends and they had changed me.

They accepted me for who I am and stood by me during my rough times. Being accepted, with all my flaws that I once thought was terrible and that made me think that I'm not good enough for anyone, was truly "healed" me. I became softer, more tolerant, and more positive. I changed because I want to be a better person for my friends, so I won't hurt them anymore. 

The more I changed, the more people get closer with me, so on and on and that led me to my transformation to be a (nearly) healthy ESTJ. I reconnected with my old friends, my relationship with my parents and siblings got better, I make friends with new people, etc.

So I guess I owe a lot to my university friends. They showed me the beauty of friendship, they trusted me when nobody else trust me, and they have accepted me no matter how much I have hurtled them in the past. They are my savior.

I guess what you probably need to do to overcome your fear, is to find a place where you feel like home, where the people can accepted you for who you are and help you to "transformed" to be a better person. Perhaps a certain club for your hobby? New neighborhood?

Humans are social creatures and we are connected with each other. We can not live without other human.


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## Erbse

Just because something is an option doesn't mean you'll go for it.

Start worrying if you in fact do make moral-ish questionable decisions.


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## redmanXNTP

napoleon227 said:


> I would have written the same thing if you hadn't beat me to it, LOL. @hziegel is an awesome person, and if she were really going to hurt people, I don't think she would be so worried about or afraid of doing so.


Agreed. A psychopath or sociopath doesn't question their actions or doubt they're wrong. Questioning yourself is a healthy thing . . . if not done to the point of being neurotic. 

@hziegel, if you're going to list your weak areas, make sure you list your strengths too so you have the proper perspective. I wouldn't be surprised if your inventory has some attributes in both columns.


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## dizzygirl

hziegel said:


> I've written a few blog entries related to this topic, but I would really like to get some advice on it. There is almost nothing in this world that scares me - death, loss, phobias, etc. - with the exception of myself. I've always known that I have a great many strengths (intellect, comprehension, communication, unusually quick reflexes, adaptability) that can be put to good use, but at the same time could be easily used to hurt others. I have always been able to lie effortlessly without a tell, have always been able to understand most people better than they know themselves, and have always been able to find just the right words to destroy someone's image of reality.
> 
> Mostly I try to avoid these things at all costs. I don't drink or abuse substances because I'm terrified of losing control over myself. I have barely told a lie in my life, not that anyone would notice the difference, and I try to be completely open about myself, which leads to other difficulties. I realized recently that I tend to try to scare away people who talk to me by pointing out some of my least easily accepted traits, just because I feel like they should be afraid of me. Shouldn't they?
> 
> I know that a lot of this thinking was encouraged by my mother, who is somewhat narcissistic. I was the scapegoated child. She seriously believed that I was a bad person and imposed this on me a lot from a pretty young age. The fact that I seemed to have very little focus on emotions or empathy, the ease with which I could manipulate others and my tendency to accidentally damage peoples' feelings at such a deep level were all highly disturbing to her. I tried to show her that I was a good person, but it never sunk in.
> 
> Now I constantly worry that I could actually be a danger to other people. I know that I have the power to control most people, and to get away with a lot of things I shouldn't. It eats at me, and it makes me terrified of involving myself in other peoples' lives. The friends I did manage to make in high school were a bit afraid of me as well, which didn't help. They joked a lot about me being "maniacal" or "twisted" and some of them started avoiding me because of the vibe I gave off. I don't know how much of this is just me personifying the things my mother told me, and how much is just who I am.
> 
> What should I do about this? Is it normal to be afraid of yourself? I'd really like to hear if anyone else has gone through something similar.


All I can really say is that you remind me of Dexter. And the best idea is to be close to people and learn from your mistakes. The fact that you acknowledge you are capable of doing damage makes you self-aware which is such a huge plus. and someone who can be so clear sighted about herself can surely be clear sighted(and strong willed) enough to pursue normal human interactions and give it all she has got.
:happy:


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## marzipan01

This is very interesting. You've got a lot of tools at your disposal that I'm slightly envious of really. Being able to turn off empathy, for instance, and lying to get what you want. These aren't evil qualities. They're self preserving. I don't think you would do anything to deliberately hurt someone for no reason. Who would? It's too much work. And if you're not very emotional then you've got less reason to fight people in the first place. 
What you've got are the tools to do things I've always wanted to do. Why not become a lawyer, a doctor, a politician? Do something that requires that cut throat finesse and use it to plant seeds of good in the world. 
Be a lawyer and use your brilliant strategy to do a certain percentage of probono work and represent those who otherwise couldn't afford justice. 
Seriously, bring it on, girl. Use your ability to take care of yourself and put some good into the world. I wish I could. I've learned to accept the fact that I will never be a lawyer, doctor, or politician because I simply can't be cut throat. I don't get fueled by Ti and therefore cannot compete. Some ENfps can, but not me. 
Sadly, I resign myself to the career of writer working towards becoming an English teacher or school psychologist. Thereby bringing change only one individual at a time.


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## devoid

marzipan01 said:


> This is very interesting. You've got a lot of tools at your disposal that I'm slightly envious of really. Being able to turn off empathy, for instance, and lying to get what you want. These aren't evil qualities. They're self preserving. I don't think you would do anything to deliberately hurt someone for no reason. Who would? It's too much work. And if you're not very emotional then you've got less reason to fight people in the first place.
> What you've got are the tools to do things I've always wanted to do. Why not become a lawyer, a doctor, a politician? Do something that requires that cut throat finesse and use it to plant seeds of good in the world.
> Be a lawyer and use your brilliant strategy to do a certain percentage of probono work and represent those who otherwise couldn't afford justice.
> Seriously, bring it on, girl. Use your ability to take care of yourself and put some good into the world. I wish I could. I've learned to accept the fact that I will never be a lawyer, doctor, or politician because I simply can't be cut throat. I don't get fueled by Ti and therefore cannot compete. Some ENfps can, but not me.
> Sadly, I resign myself to the career of writer working towards becoming an English teacher or school psychologist. Thereby bringing change only one individual at a time.


That is a really interesting way of looking at it. I guess the grass is always greener, right? There was a time when I would have loved to be a teacher or a psychologist, but I'm not very good at helping one person at a time. I think it's time to stop hiding and embrace my abilities. Thank you. You use your ability to help one person at a time so that in turn they can find the strength to make vast changes.


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## marzipan01

hziegel said:


> That is a really interesting way of looking at it. I guess the grass is always greener, right? There was a time when I would have loved to be a teacher or a psychologist, but I'm not very good at helping one person at a time. I think it's time to stop hiding and embrace my abilities. Thank you. You use your ability to help one person at a time so that in turn they can find the strength to make vast changes.


Such is my lot in life. 
Go forth, be fruitful, multiply, and make those vast changes, my dear hziegel! You are of the chosen few to be given the ability to do so 

I'm going to think about what you said. It's actually really making me feel better. I guess the grass is always greener on the other side.


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## William I am

Hi!

I actually brought up something similar recently. I was in a bad relationship and picked up the awareness of how peoples' emotions can be played on to manipulate them or a situation. So I've been pretty aware of the possibility of it, and it was driving me bats because I felt guilty if I did it at all. I feel like I can relate, only it's not so pervasive as you describe.

From first hand experience: Therapy helps - with the right therapist and right method. Be picky. Try out 3 or 4 before picking one. It's expensive. It's worth not being miserable. And yes it was terrifying, embarrassing, and felt foolish to actually go and seek it out myself.

1) You're afraid of what you'll do if you don't watch your every move. You're afraid to lose control. I've been there. The only way I've made progress with it is to intentionally lose control with someone around who can keep me from jumping off a building or anything. For alcohol and weed, usually that doesn't happen. For much more potent drugs, psychotic breaks are much more likely.

2) Other people should be afraid of you. No. They shouldn't be afraid of you. You're worried about it and looking out for them. You're aware of your own actions, and protecting them. You're not maliciously, remorselessly luring people in to torment and harm them for the pleasure of control. Your motivations are no different than anyone else's, and you're more aware of your own actions. You're probably a lower risk than the average shmuck who says whatever comes to mind.

3) People in high school somehow saw through your mask of normalcy and saw some kind of twistedness inside you.
Uh... people in high school are morons. You probably picked up on what they said because you were more sensitive to those things being mentioned - as in you were already worried about it. You might even have not said things you should have said and you probably tolerated things you shouldn't have to keep from feeling like a jerk. 


What should you do? I think you should find a therapist that you're comfortable enough to give them the chance to earn your trust. I think you should face your fears. I think you should challenge the validity of other peoples' opinions and of the worries that you're a lean, mean, emotion shredding machine that will run rampant. Friends can also say things offhand that a therapist could spend weeks trying to get you to see yourself.

I think you're a pretty nice person. And I'm not so easily deceived, so give me a little credit? 
Happy Trails


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## devoid

William I am said:


> Hi!
> 
> I actually brought up something similar recently. I was in a bad relationship and picked up the awareness of how peoples' emotions can be played on to manipulate them or a situation. So I've been pretty aware of the possibility of it, and it was driving me bats because I felt guilty if I did it at all. I feel like I can relate, only it's not so pervasive as you describe.
> 
> From first hand experience: Therapy helps - with the right therapist and right method. Be picky. Try out 3 or 4 before picking one. It's expensive. It's worth not being miserable. And yes it was terrifying, embarrassing, and felt foolish to actually go and seek it out myself.
> 
> 1) You're afraid of what you'll do if you don't watch your every move. You're afraid to lose control. I've been there. The only way I've made progress with it is to intentionally lose control with someone around who can keep me from jumping off a building or anything. For alcohol and weed, usually that doesn't happen. For much more potent drugs, psychotic breaks are much more likely.
> 
> 2) Other people should be afraid of you. No. They shouldn't be afraid of you. You're worried about it and looking out for them. You're aware of your own actions, and protecting them. You're not maliciously, remorselessly luring people in to torment and harm them for the pleasure of control. Your motivations are no different than anyone else's, and you're more aware of your own actions. You're probably a lower risk than the average shmuck who says whatever comes to mind.
> 
> 3) People in high school somehow saw through your mask of normalcy and saw some kind of twistedness inside you.
> Uh... people in high school are morons. You probably picked up on what they said because you were more sensitive to those things being mentioned - as in you were already worried about it. You might even have not said things you should have said and you probably tolerated things you shouldn't have to keep from feeling like a jerk.
> 
> 
> What should you do? I think you should find a therapist that you're comfortable enough to give them the chance to earn your trust. I think you should face your fears. I think you should challenge the validity of other peoples' opinions and of the worries that you're a lean, mean, emotion shredding machine that will run rampant. Friends can also say things offhand that a therapist could spend weeks trying to get you to see yourself.
> 
> I think you're a pretty nice person. And I'm not so easily deceived, so give me a little credit?
> Happy Trails


This was extremely helpful, thank you! Unfortunately therapy is not an option right now because of insurance issues (and the last one I had was terrible anyway) but I will definitely keep these things in mind. It is difficult for me to admit that I might need other people to lean on right now, but I think you're right.


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