# Everyone needs love...except in this situation?



## Earth Goddess (Aug 7, 2013)

I know that we should all try to love one another, treat others as you want to be treated, be a good person, show love to those who need it (well, to EVERYONE), etc. I am a moral person and want to do the right thing. Recently I had a Reiki session done in which I found out that my purpose in this life is to learn about love. Ironically, I have never been in love before until now (i'm 40 years old), and the man that i'm in love with is one of those types that is closed off emotionally, he's jaded and bitter towards women, doesn't involve feelings with women, told me he doesn't talk about his feelings, he doesn't want a girlfriend, etc.

We are not in a relationship exactly, i'm not even sure what we are...I haven't had sex with him though but we've spent a lot of time cuddling, making out, doing non-sexual things too of course, we're pretty inseperable at work. We've known each other for a year now, we work together. Everyone there thinks we are boyfriend and girlfriend, and when people make comments to us about it he will agree and he won't deny that we aren't a couple. I know he isnt trying to use me for sex because he knows I won't do it with him yet he still acts like we're a couple. But I often find myself upset or depressed because of all this, because while I was falling in love, he wasn't (as far as I know, anyway!) and it hurts not to be able to be WITH him. 

All i've wanted my whole life was a boyfriend that I could love who loved me back. I've had a few in the past but none came close to how I feel about this guy. Anyway, the situation with our job is that we work 85 hours a week, 6 weeks at a time. We live on the job site too. So our lives ARE our jobs, and this job is so good that neither of us wants to quit. 

So here is my dilemma...even though this guy "can't" love, should I continue to show him love? I am not one to lower my level of treatment towards someone just because they can't reciprocate my feelings, but I also don't want to get hurt any more than I am. But there really isn't anything I can do though because neither of us wants to quit our jobs (this is the best job i've ever had and the only good thing I have in my life, so I refuse to quit). But it hurts being in love with someone who doesn't love me back. But I don't want to quit my job just so I can get over him, and I also don't want to confront him or give him an ultimatum or pressure him into telling me his feelings, that will only make things awkward and uncomfortable at work and that's one of my biggest priorities is keeping things from getting so wierd that one of us is forced to quit. It would most likely be me since I'm a woman, therefore emotional. He NEVER shows emotions. He is, however, extremely affectionate. More affectionate than any man i've ever dated or known! He gives me multiple hugs every day. When we share a bed together, he will hold me most of the night, and he will kiss my hair or my shoulder when he thinks i'm sleeping. He always does this hug/cuddle thing where he'll come up behind me, put his arms around me, hold me close, put his face into my hair, sometimes he'll softly go "mmmm", we'll rock back and forth as if there was music playing, and he will do this in front of anyone, he doesn't try to hide it. We spend our breaks together and when we sit on the couch to watch tv he'll have his arm around me. I really don't understand why he acts this way when he doesn't want to BE with me and knows he isn't going to get sex from me. 

I know that he needs love, I mean all people do, deep down. I know that he's had bad experiences with women (he thinks they're all crazy because they get too attached and go nuts when he wants to break up with them). I know the right thing to do is to show him love and no matter how cold he might seem sometimes or how distant he gets I should still show my unwavering unconditional love...but on the other hand, that's not very smart, I mean most people say if someone is withholding love from you, you shouldn't give it to them. But at the same time, I am a spiritual person who is trying to raise my vibration and elevate my consciousness and embody love as much as possible. So I'm torn on what to do about this situation. Part of me wants to love him so much that he learns how to love too and part of me wants to quit talking to him to show him that I won't stand for this halfway-relationship/thing/whatever it is. Should I show that I care about him and not hide my feelings (so far he doesn't know the extent of them), risking things getting weird? Or should I continue to go with the flow, hug him back, flirt with him back, but just stay casual even though it hurts because I want more? Or should I come out and say i'm not getting what I want so therefore I shouldn't let him hug me anymore, or talk to me, just cut off all communication and interaction even though it will make things very difficult at work? Or even a more general question, at what point does even an enlightened awakened highly conscious person turn their back on someone who is broken like this? I keep thinking if this were Ghandi or the Dalai Lama or Jesus, they would just keep showing this person love even though they're not getting it. Is it spiritually healthier to love someone who can't love you back, or to protect yourself in any way possible? I guess there is a fine line between letting yourself get hurt and being a Godlike person.


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## WolfStar (Aug 18, 2009)

Your small text is hard to read, which is kinda bad.

As a whole this is way too complex a matter. You got issues. You love some guy but he doesn't love you back, but you don't want to do anything about it, but you want to be a good person, but you want to be like your idols and Ghandi or whoever, but you want to be Godlike, but you want you want you want you want. "I know that he needs love, I mean all people do, deep down." This part is also pretty bad. You're dependent on others for security/happiness/whatever so you project that dependency onto everyone else and say that everyone is like you.

Not to mention all this distraction stuff about vibrations and whatnot.

Bottom line - you're insecure and you're wondering how to change someone else so that they'll give you what you want. You don't do that.

Instead of focusing on someone else, spend some time learning about yourself. You talk about being spiritual and smart. Prove it. Do the hard stuff. Look into yourself. Look into why you need to be loved, if you're insecure, why you're insecure, etc etc. You can hardly expect to have a good relationship with other people when you got so much going on with yourself that you're so unaware of.


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## Earth Goddess (Aug 7, 2013)

WolfStar said:


> Your small text is hard to read, which is kinda bad.


Sorry about that, I dont know what I did, I just typed it up like I am now, I have no idea how it came out so small!



> As a whole this is way too complex a matter. You got issues.


I dont think it's ME that has the issues, this guy admitted he is bitter and jaded and doesn't talk about his feelings or even have them. I'm open to love and although i've been hurt by love, I am still coming at it from a healthy point of view.



> "I know that he needs love, I mean all people do, deep down." This part is also pretty bad.


This is a fact, it isn't my opinion, so I don't see how it's bad to just be stating a fact.



> You're dependent on others for security/happiness/whatever so you project that dependency onto everyone else and say that everyone is like you.


I am not dependent on anyone or anything, I am 40 years old and have been single most of my life. I am responsible and independent. I don't even rely on my family much, I'm pretty much a loner (by choice for the most part).



> Not to mention all this distraction stuff about vibrations and whatnot.


I don't see how it is a distraction to want to raise my consciousness and vibration, but I guess you wouldn't understand it unless you knew what I was talking about. It's a spiritual thing and it's very important to me.



> Bottom line - you're insecure and you're wondering how to change someone else so that they'll give you what you want. You don't do that.


No...well for one, i'm not insecure, but I am NOT trying to change him, nowhere in my post did I say that. I want to know how to DEAL with him, I want to know what the right thing to do is when faced with this situation.



> Instead of focusing on someone else, spend some time learning about yourself. You talk about being spiritual and smart. Prove it. Do the hard stuff. Look into yourself.


This is what i've been doing my entire life. Again, I am 40 years old and have been single for 38 of those years. 99% of the time I am doing stuff completely alone. I take vacations alone. I go to concerts alone. I spend all day in a bookstore alone. I moved 800 miles away from my hometown alone.


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## Aquarian (Jun 17, 2012)

I think you're getting two different things mixed together. You have a difficult personal situation. You also have these spiritual ideas or ideals. The justifying link, for you, is this Reiki session you had. 

I think you would do very well to remove the spiritual ideas from your analysis of _this _situation.

Edited to add: Just read this response you posted to another comment:



Earth Goddess said:


> I don't see how it is a distraction to want to raise my consciousness and vibration, but I guess you wouldn't understand it unless you knew what I was talking about. It's a spiritual thing and it's very important to me.


Well, I also think it is a distraction and I think you're inadvertently using this spiritual framework as a way to stay confused about what's actually going on in this situation so you don't have to face the difficult truths here (about yourself and your situation) - whatever those truths may be. 

Oh and this part?



> but I guess you wouldn't understand it unless you knew what I was talking about.


IMO, responses like this will not help you get to the truth of this situation. They'll just keep you mired in whatever illusion you're clinging to right now.

Remember, even by your own standards you have something to LEARN here. You're too closed off to learn right now and applying this spiritual framework is actually functioning to keep it that way.


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## Chesire Tower (Jan 19, 2013)

@Earth Goddess, I can actually relate to everything that you said in your post. I too am very spiritual but to actually benefit from a spiritual practice; you need to focus on yourself first and get yourself emotionally grounded. Until you are able to do that; it is pretty much _impossible_ for you to live out your ideals. You need to love yourself first; before you can possibly love _anyone else_. You espouse very hight ideals for yourself, and there would be nothing wrong with it; _if_ you were already coming from a spiritually centered and emotionally grounded place. I guarantee you that all your idols were coming from that place, and if you fervently desire to be anything like them; you cannot do it until you truly have self-compassion and love yourself first.

Now, before you dismiss my advice; I promise you I actually _know_ of what I speak. I too was just like you. I would crush on some guy and be constantly disappointed that he wasn't responding to me the way I _needed_ him to. This caused me constant conflict with this person - not to mention pain and suffering; until I realized that I was looking to another person, for something that I could really only get from myself. Another person can never complete you or give your life, meaning; you must do that for yourself.

As far as this situation being "his problem"; I'm not in any way saying that your boyfriend doesn't have issues. I don't think that anyone who has responded to you is really saying that. However, the fact that you are clearly distressed about this situation and are here asking for advice; tells me that the "problem" clearly lies with you, but not in the way you might think. Anytime, you are deeply troubled by another's behaviour; you are _ipso facto_, _making_ it your problem. Do you see this at all? _He_ is not the one who is wringing their hands desperate for help here; it's _you_. Your behaviour is very co-dependant, becaue you are needing someone else to change for you to be happy. You need to understand that you cannot control another human being; you can only control yourself.

If you are so unhappy with him but don't want to prematurely end things; than why don't you just _detach_ yourself from the situation, to get some perspective? That's _exactly_ what I did, and you know what? I'm much happier since I am no longer basing my self-esteem on his approval or lack thereof, and he's is also much happier, as well. Why?, well because, I am no longer suffocating him with my neediness and clinginess; so, win-win!

You see, what detaching myself from him accomplished; was that it gave me perspective about things. Once I got perspective, I realized that, contrary to what I had been telling myself; that I didn't actually _need_ him at all. All I ever need, is myself. Since, I no longer need anything from this person; I am free to relate to him from a place of strength. You have no idea how good that can feel; until you allow yourself to experience that strength that you know, you have deep down _inside_ of you. Ironically, now that I don't _need_ him; I am actually much more able to have my behaviour come much closer to my ideals as far as I am treating him. I am not however, sacrificing myself in anyway; I am just living my life and he is also living his. I honestly believe that once you do this; his behaviour will logically have to change as well; to be more in line with yours. Does this mean that he will become the boyfriend you so earnestly seek? Not necessarily, but the truly _important_ thing is; that you won't even need him to be. It's a very real possibility that he is well aware that you are not happy with him right now, and as consequence; he doesn't feel _accepted_ by you. hat is what he truly needs: Your acceptance of him just as he is; not to try and change him. Once, he feels truly accepted by you; who knows?; stranger things have happened, but even if it ultimately is not in the cards for you two; you will be in a far more healthier place than what you are right now, and you will be in a position to actually _find_ someone who really makes you feel truly loved and appreciated.


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## Earth Goddess (Aug 7, 2013)

Aquarian said:


> I think you're getting two different things mixed together. You have a difficult personal situation. You also have these spiritual ideas or ideals. The justifying link, for you, is this Reiki session you had.
> 
> I think you would do very well to remove the spiritual ideas from your analysis of _this _situation.


Trying to live a spiritual life isn't just a hobby, it's SUPPOSED to change you, to make you a better person, to become the foundation of how you live your life. Would you expect a Buddhist monk to murder someone and then say "It had to be done, I just set aside my beliefs for a little bit", no! I don't see the point in trying to better yourself if you aren't going to apply it to real life, otherwise it makes you a fake.



> Well, I also think it is a distraction and I think you're inadvertently using this spiritual framework as a way to stay confused about what's actually going on in this situation so you don't have to face the difficult truths here (about yourself and your situation) - whatever those truths may be.


Ok spiritual beliefs aside, you don't even need religion or to be spiritual to want to be a good person and treat people right, it's a pretty universal thing all humans should strive for.



> Remember, even by your own standards you have something to LEARN here. You're too closed off to learn right now and applying this spiritual framework is actually functioning to keep it that way.


I am never closed off to learning, it's one of my favorite things to do. But when it comes to relationships and other people, you can never truly know what they are thinking or feeling since they can lie. You can never truly trust another person except yourself.


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## Earth Goddess (Aug 7, 2013)

TreasureTower said:


> you need to focus on yourself first and get yourself emotionally grounded. Until you are able to do that; it is pretty much _impossible_ for you to live out your ideals. You need to love yourself first; before you can possibly love _anyone else_. You espouse very hight ideals for yourself, and there would be nothing wrong with it; _if_ you were already coming from a spiritually centered and emotionally grounded place. I guarantee you that all your idols were coming from that place, and if you fervently desire to be anything like them; you cannot do it until you truly have self-compassion and love yourself first.


I am shocked so many people are saying this, I don't feel I have a problem with this at all. Maybe it comes out that way in my posts but trust me, I love and respect myself, and I have always been happy. Saying I want a relationship doesn't mean I'm depressed without one, it just means i've been single most of my life and I would like to experience true love (which I thought this was going to be, in the beginning).



> Another person can never complete you or give your life, meaning; you must do that for yourself.


Yes, I know this. Trust me, I have been single for 38 years of my life, I know how to live without a man and I know I don't need one to complete me. I want one to share my life with. I don't feel like admitting that automatically means I don't love myself. I honestly don't even see how they are connected. If someone didn't love themselves, they wouldn't even have the capacity to feel love for someone else.



> However, the fact that you are clearly distressed about this situation and are here asking for advice; tells me that the "problem" clearly lies with you, but not in the way you might think. Anytime, you are deeply troubled by another's behaviour; you are _ipso facto_, _making_ it your problem. Do you see this at all?


Yes I see that I have a problem with this, of course, but it stems mostly from the fact that I thought he was my soulmate. I thought we were a real couple for a few months, I had my hopes up. We spent so many nights sleeping in his bed cuddling and sharing personal information about each other and we clicked right from the start better than i've clicked with anyone, ever. I fell in love because of that. Most of the time when I date guys, I am the one that ends things because I would rather be alone than with someone who wasn't right for me. This guy is the only one I have EVER dated who I actually wanted to spend the rest of my life with. It's just the closest I've ever been to a man that I liked this much. I haven't had many so that could be why too, I feel like I am still in high school discovering guys, because I haven't had much experience with them. I was 26 before I even had a date with anyone and then that guy became my first and only boyfriend. After I broke up with him, I casually dated about 4 or 5 other guys but quickly left them because like I said, they just weren't right for me. 



> You need to understand that you cannot control another human being; you can only control yourself.p


Yes I know that...I am only trying to understand him and figure out how to deal with the situation.



> If you are so unhappy with him but don't want to prematurely end things; than why don't you just _detach_ yourself from the situation, to get some perspective?


Well first I have to clarify, i'm not unhappy with him...i'm only unhappy when I think about the future I want with him that I probably will never have. I LOVE being with him, he doesn't make me unhappy at all. And about detaching, I don't think that is possible when we are together so much. We work 84 hours a week, we work together, we live here at work, and we spend our free time together because this is kind of like a small community that we are confined to. We don't have family or friends here, it's just us coworkers. So there is no escaping anyone here. It's kind of like being trapped on a deserted island together! lol

I have, however, tried to distance myself as much as I could, and told myself over and over this is all it will be, but that can only last so long when i'm immersed in this job with him. 12 hours every day we are almost constantly next to each other. I can act distant and in my own world but we still have to talk to each other and he is so affectionate that all my feelings of detachment I might be able to muster up get thrown out the window and i'm right back where I started, feeling hopeful and in love again.



> Why?, well because, I am no longer suffocating him with my neediness and clinginess; so, win-win!


I am not suffocating him with neediness or clinginess...I actually just go about my business as much as I can and don't show any emotions or bug him about anything at all, it's always him that comes to me, initiating conversations, asking to hang out after work, it's always him. I am letting him chase me. Sometimes i'll even take my lunch break by myself to create some space there and he'll text me asking where I am or he'll come find me or he'll see me later and ask where I was.



> It's a very real possibility that he is well aware that you are not happy with him right now, and as consequence; he doesn't feel _accepted_ by you. hat is what he truly needs: Your acceptance of him just as he is; not to try and change him. Once, he feels truly accepted by you; who knows?;


I AM accepting of him, that's the thing, i'm more accepting of him than I have ever been of anyone. Other guys I dated who I couldn't accept, I just quit calling them, or broke it off. With this guy, I am so accepting of him which is why I feel like I could spend my life with him. If you are referring to his fear of commitment, as far as he knows, I am accepting of that too. He knows I don't want to get married and he doesn't either, we actually talk about that a lot, it's one of the things we have in common. I have NEVER brought up the subject of being in a relationship, I have never even asked him anything, I let him offer up the information when he's ready. I never push or nag or ask or pressure him about ANYTHING, I simply go about my day responding to him when he talks to me, cuddles with me, asks to hang out, whatever. I just go with the flow pretty much. And this has been going on for about 10 or 11 months now, which I know is longer than his last relationship which only lasted a few months. He is not one to do anything he doesn't wanna do so if he felt pressured by me or anything, he would stop all the attention he is giving me.


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## WolfStar (Aug 18, 2009)

Earth Goddess said:


> I dont think it's ME that has the issues...


Then I guess we're done here, since all you're looking for is affirmation.


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## Aquarian (Jun 17, 2012)

WolfStar said:


> Then I guess we're done here, since all you're looking for is affirmation.


I completely agree that @Earth Goddess seeks something other than insight and learning here. Not worth bothering to engage when someone is so closed IMO.


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## Antipode (Jul 8, 2012)

WolfStar said:


> Your small text is hard to read, which is kinda bad.
> 
> As a whole this is way too complex a matter. You got issues. You love some guy but he doesn't love you back, but you don't want to do anything about it, but you want to be a good person, but you want to be like your idols and Ghandi or whoever, but you want to be Godlike, but you want you want you want you want. "I know that he needs love, I mean all people do, deep down." This part is also pretty bad. You're dependent on others for security/happiness/whatever so you project that dependency onto everyone else and say that everyone is like you.
> 
> ...


Damn, boy. xD


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## Chesire Tower (Jan 19, 2013)

@Earth Goddess, I am afraid, I have to agree with what everyone here has been saying. You are asking for advice but you don't seem to be willing to listen to anybody's suggestions.

Basically, you should focus on what's _right_ about your love; not _how_ you need to change him. I do a spiritual practice that has helped me very much as far as getting clarity. It might help you too, if you are truly willing to see how _you_ are contributing to _your_ suffering in this situation. 

The issue is with _yourself_, and yes; I understand that you don't see I that way, but you need to work on _yourself_. *When you are truly happy with yourself*; all of your relationships - especially _this_ one, will improve for the better.

Is what everyone else is saying, correct? Are you just seeking affirmation - wanting to hear that you are _right_? , because, you won't find that here. Yes, we could all sympathize with you and rag (unfairly) on your boyfriend, but honestly, what good would that really do you?
He is _not_ going to _change_; so you need to find away to _accept_ that or _not_. That's really the _only_ choice you have.


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## Aquarian (Jun 17, 2012)

The OP did also get posted in the Sex and Relationships forum here

IMO this comment from that thread pretty much sums up the problem here:



Earth Goddess said:


> *I have always had a "rescuer fetish", but that came long before my spirituality happened*. What it stems from is seeing so many guys (like this guy I like) who don't believe there are decent women out there who won't cheat on them, or try to kill or injure them (like my guy had happen to him). Or guys who don't think they are loveable (something I suspect this guy has an issue with, I didn't go into detail about that though). And I just like to help people, make them feel good. These are all not selfish acts, I don't feel this way to benefit myself, I want to make a man feel loved and cherished, that's all!


The OP has retained her rescuer/savior fetish but now dresses it up in spiritual terms to justify it. So now in her framework, it's not just her personal stuff, it's all about spiritual enlightenment. 

Lots of mess here. Lots and LOTS of mess.


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## Kanerou (Oct 8, 2009)

Aquarian said:


> The OP has retained her rescuer/savior fetish but now dresses it up in spiritual terms to justify it. So now in her framework, it's not just her personal stuff, it's all about spiritual enlightenment.
> 
> Lots of mess here. Lots and LOTS of mess.


That got three fist pumps. Thank you. So glad I'm not the only one who sees it like that.


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## WolfStar (Aug 18, 2009)

Antipode said:


> Damn, boy. xD


Haha I didn't mean to like, be mean or anything. I figured it best to just be honest since it seems like everyone here would be glad to help OP, but it seems like they're far too busy to listen. xD


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## Antipode (Jul 8, 2012)

WolfStar said:


> Haha I didn't mean to like, be mean or anything. I figured it best to just be honest since it seems like everyone here would be glad to help OP, but it seems like they're far too busy to listen. xD


No, I wanted to say each and every word. xD I just found it funny you planted the point I was going to make perfectly. Very observant.


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## RaidenPrime (Aug 4, 2012)

Wait, I thought reiki was to treat physical pain? Unless you are physically stressed about not having a boyfriend in your life?

If you feel someone needs love, just give it to them and see where it goes. Even if it isn't reciprocated, sometimes people just need to be doused in care and affection.


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## Aquarian (Jun 17, 2012)

Wind Rune said:


> Wait, I thought reiki was to treat physical pain? Unless you are physically stressed about not having a boyfriend in your life?


I'm no expert by ANY stretch of the imagination. My knowledge of Reiki comes from being in a relationship with someone who has some training in doing it, and experiencing it as a sort of add-on layer when she has worked on me in other ways. That said, I'm pretty sure Reiki can function for more than treatment of physical pain.


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## Earth Goddess (Aug 7, 2013)

Aquarian said:


> I completely agree that @_Earth Goddess_ seeks something other than insight and learning here. Not worth bothering to engage when someone is so closed IMO.


So far everyone has given me suggestions I can't use or have told me I just need to love myself which is not the problem.


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## Earth Goddess (Aug 7, 2013)

TreasureTower said:


> @_Earth Goddess_, I am afraid, I have to agree with what everyone here has been saying. You are asking for advice but you don't seem to be willing to listen to anybody's suggestions.


Like I said in my last post, everyone just thinks I don't love myself which is not the case, or that I should just get over him which I can't do unless I quit my job and I don't want to do that.



> Basically, you should focus on what's _right_ about your love; not _how_ you need to change him.


Again, i'm not trying to change him. If I was, I would have asked "How do you get a man to commit when he doesn't want to". I simply want to know how somebody deals with a situation where their heart and soul is telling them to act one way but their feelings and their mind struggle with it.



> I do a spiritual practice that has helped me very much as far as getting clarity. It might help you too, if you are truly willing to see how _you_ are contributing to _your_ suffering in this situation.


I do spiritual practices myself but they don't have anything to do with relating to other people in situations like this. And the only way I can see that i'm contributing to my suffering is just that I want something I don't have, but you have to be a pretty damn good Buddhist to erase the feelings of want from your life. Especially when you have never had it and you're running out of time.



> Is what everyone else is saying, correct? Are you just seeking affirmation - wanting to hear that you are _right_? , because, you won't find that here. Yes, we could all sympathize with you and rag (unfairly) on your boyfriend, but honestly, what good would that really do you?
> He is _not_ going to _change_; so you need to find away to _accept_ that or _not_. That's really the _only_ choice you have.


You can't say for sure if he is going to change, he might not even know that. Sometimes change just comes upon you as you grow older or learn new things or have new experiences. I have changed a LOT in the last few years and it wasn't even something I set out to do, it just happened. As for your first question, I don't know how I would be looking for affirmation that i'm right when I don't know the right way to deal with this. All i'm defending here is the fact that I DO love and respect myself, I thought that was obvious so I'm confused why so many people keep repeating it.


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## Aquarian (Jun 17, 2012)

Earth Goddess said:


> So far everyone has given me suggestions I can't use


_Won't_ use. Not can't.


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## Earth Goddess (Aug 7, 2013)

Aquarian said:


> The OP did also get posted in the Sex and Relationships forum here
> 
> IMO this comment from that thread pretty much sums up the problem here:
> 
> ...


Again, my spiritual enlightenment happened only in the last 4 or 5 years, and i've had this "fetish" (for lack of a better way to put it) my whole life. They are not related, and I am not using it as a way to justify my feelings or thoughts. I am only trying to come at this from a point of view of love, not the "an eye for an eye" mentality that most people have. I don't understand why anyone would think wanting to help others learn how to love is a bad thing. I just think I've come to the wrong forum with this problem.


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## Earth Goddess (Aug 7, 2013)

Wind Rune said:


> Wait, I thought reiki was to treat physical pain? Unless you are physically stressed about not having a boyfriend in your life?




Reiki is just energy medicine, and energy affects the physical body, yes, as well as the emotional body and the mental body. I didn't have it done to heal me though, I did it because I have a friend that does it, and I was just curious how it would affect me. I was surprised she said that about love though, because I DO feel that love has been the main focus of my life, mainly because I am a loving person so it has always confused me how I have been unable to find a good relationship. Most men just want sex or just to be friends, and I don't really meet a lot of guys either. So I think the reason is a mix of all of those things. Just meeting the wrong guys.



> If you feel someone needs love, just give it to them and see where it goes. Even if it isn't reciprocated, sometimes people just need to be doused in care and affection.


That's pretty much what i've been doing for the last 10 months with him, and I am glad things are still ok with us, as opposed to if I had confronted him or pressured him and things going wierd and me having to quit my job. It's just getting harder the more deeply I fall in love with him.


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## Earth Goddess (Aug 7, 2013)

Aquarian said:


> I'm no expert by ANY stretch of the imagination. My knowledge of Reiki comes from being in a relationship with someone who has some training in doing it, and experiencing it as a sort of add-on layer when she has worked on me in other ways. That said, I'm pretty sure Reiki can function for more than treatment of physical pain.


The friend I have who did it on me is pretty psychic too, so when she did it, she could see and feel my spirit guides, she also saw things relating to my family that she didn't know previously, so when you do Reiki, if you get help from your or the patients guides, it's almost like a psychic reading and healing all in one!


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## Aquarian (Jun 17, 2012)

Earth Goddess said:


> Again, my spiritual enlightenment happened only in the last 4 or 5 years, and i've had this "fetish" (for lack of a better way to put it) my whole life. They are not related, and *I am not using it as a way to justify my feelings or thoughts*.


Seriously? You don't see this in your original post? You're frighteningly un-self-aware if that is really true.



> I am only trying to come at this from a point of view of love, not the "an eye for an eye" mentality that most people have. I don't understand why anyone would think wanting to help others learn how to love is a bad thing. I just think I've come to the wrong forum with this problem.


I think you're essentially_ lying to yourself_. It's not the forum. It's your choice to stay un-self-aware, to dress up your actual problem in spiritual or other grandiose terms in order to avoid looking at something in your own self that you would need to shift in order to deal with this situation in a healthy way. 

But hey, tell yourself _whatever _you need to hear in order to avoid looking at aspects of yourself that you don't want to deal with. Because dressed-up stories are so much more comforting than truth.


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## Earth Goddess (Aug 7, 2013)

Aquarian said:


> Seriously? You don't see this in your original post? You're frighteningly un-self-aware if that is really true.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I have posted on different forums in the past about other situations with guys I have liked, WAY before I became spiritual. I don't know any other way to prove it to you.

What exactly is it that I need to look at about myself and deal with? Because it isn't my lack of love for myself.


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## U-80 (Mar 12, 2010)

Is there even an issue here? So you're in love with a guy, you get to spend all your time with him, you get along well, he likes you and treats you well, etc. Do you have any idea how lucky you are? Stop worrying and just enjoy what you've got, while it lasts. Seriously.


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## Earth Goddess (Aug 7, 2013)

Era said:


> Is there even an issue here? So you're in love with a guy, you get to spend all your time with him, you get along well, he likes you and treats you well, etc. Do you have any idea how lucky you are? Stop worrying and just enjoy what you've got, while it lasts. Seriously.


The issue is it hurts being so close to something you can't have. It's like sweet torture. Sure I get to enjoy him, in SOME ways, but not in the way that would satisfy me.


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## U-80 (Mar 12, 2010)

Earth Goddess said:


> The issue is it hurts being so close to something you can't have. It's like sweet torture. Sure I get to enjoy him, in SOME ways, but not in the way that would satisfy me.


So you want him to be romantic with you. Well, romance only lasts for about a month anyway, then the relationship would simply devolve back to what you have now: spending time together and enjoying each other's company (if you're lucky). You're not missing much by skipping the romance stage. Besides, if you want to have sex with him, just do it. It sounds like you're over-idealizing the whole thing. There's nothing spiritual about having the hots for some guy.


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## Chesire Tower (Jan 19, 2013)

@Earth Godess,


> And the only way I can see that i'm contributing to my suffering is just that I want something I don't have, but *you have to be a pretty damn good Buddhist to erase the feelings of want from your life*. Especially when you have never had it and you're running out of time.


Not with Nichiren Buddhism you don't. It's all about discovering your inner Buddha nature, how to get clarity of mind and how to make determinations to help you to get what you want.



> In a relationship, it is demeaning to constantly seek your partner's approval. If you find yourself in a relationship where you are not treated the way your heart says you should be, have the courage and dignity to decide that you are better off risking the scorn of your partner than enduring unhappiness with him or her.





> in life is not determined by marriage. The secret to happiness lies in building a strong inner self, a self that no trial or hardship can diminish.





> We can lose ourselves in romantic attachment, but the truth is, the euphoria is unlikely to last for long. Indeed, the likelihood of undergoing suffering and sadness only grows over time. As long as we remain unable to redress our own weaknesses, we will be miserable no matter where or to whom we may take flight. We can never become truly happy unless we ourselves undergo a personal transformation.





> If you are neglecting things you should be doing, forgetting your purpose in life because of the relationship you’re in, then you’re on the wrong path. A healthy relationship is one in which two people encourage each other to reach their respective goals while sharing each other’s hopes and dreams. A relationship should be a source of inspiration, invigoration and hope.





Earth Goddess said:


> I have posted on different forums in the past about other situations with guys I have liked, WAY before I became spiritual. I don't know any other way to prove it to you.
> 
> What exactly is it that I need to look at about myself and deal with? Because it isn't my lack of love for myself.


http://personalitycafe.com/sex-relationships/157285-everyone-needs-love-except-situation.html#post4015474


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## Aquarian (Jun 17, 2012)

Earth Goddess said:


> I have posted on different forums in the past about other situations with guys I have liked, WAY before I became spiritual. I don't know any other way to prove it to you.
> 
> What exactly is it that I need to look at about myself and deal with? Because it isn't my lack of love for myself.


I'm tempted not to reply because I bet you'll just argue - you don't really want to know.

But hey, why not waste more of my time and energy, right? I mean after all, we're all just objects - foils for you to convince yourself of what you already believe anyway - not actual people who are bothering to share what we see.

One. last. time. 

Your rescuer/savior complex is a *problem in you* that you have dressed up in glorified terms, both before you had spiritual language to hide it with and now with your spiritual framework/language. Your spiritual framework is important because it is the current way you're deluding yourself that your rescuer/savior complex is some godlike good-person kind of thing. That is NOT what it is. What it is is a harmful psychological problem in *you *that you need to work on.


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## Earth Goddess (Aug 7, 2013)

Era said:


> So you want him to be romantic with you. Well, romance only lasts for about a month anyway, then the relationship would simply devolve back to what you have now: spending time together and enjoying each other's company (if you're lucky).


I dont just want him to be romantic with me, he kind of already is with how affectionate he is. What I want is for us to be in a relationship.



> You're not missing much by skipping the romance stage.


We already went through that stage...what I want is LOVE, a RELATIONSHIP.



> Besides, if you want to have sex with him, just do it.


Maybe you missed some of my other posts, or maybe they were in the other thread (this got posted twice because I can't figure out how to delete one of them), women fall in love when they have sex, men don't. I'm already falling in love with him, I don't want it to get worse. If I had sex with him, it would only make my feelings intensify while his would still go nowhere. There would be nothing more stupid than having sex with him unless he really wants to be with me. I can't enjoy sex anyway if I know it's meaningless for the guy.



> It sounds like you're over-idealizing the whole thing. There's nothing spiritual about having the hots for some guy.


I'm not saying there is something spiritual about having the hots for somebody. I AM spiritual, in and of itself, outside of anything else, it's a totally seperate thing from liking someone.


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## Earth Goddess (Aug 7, 2013)

TreasureTower said:


> @_Earth_ Godess,
> 
> Not with Nichiren Buddhism you don't. It's all about discovering your inner Buddha nature, how to get clarity of mind and how to make determinations to help you to get what you want.
> 
> ...


Most of what that said was to love yourself first, and AGAIN, I DO LOVE MYSELF! I am really getting irritated how people aren't getting that. I am not letting this guy ruin my hopes and dreams, either, in fact he supports me, and we have a lot of the same common goals. There is nothing about how he treats me that makes me feel bad about myself, there is nothing about him that is detrimental to me. It's his aversion to love. That is the only problem.


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## U-80 (Mar 12, 2010)

Earth Goddess said:


> ...women fall in love when they have sex, men don't. I'm already falling in love with him, I don't want it to get worse. If I had sex with him, it would only make my feelings intensify while his would still go nowhere. There would be nothing more stupid than having sex with him unless he really wants to be with me. I can't enjoy sex anyway if I know it's meaningless for the guy.


Yes, I agree. Thanks for clearing that up.

I guess it's just hard for me to sympathize, knowing that you basically have a good thing going with a guy you're crazy about. A lot of people would envy you. But you want more than he's willing to give, and there's just no solution for that. You have to either be happy with what you've got, and make the most of it, or devote yourself to trying to change him. Not a lot of people would recommend the second option, but it seems you've already decided on it. As an INFJ you will follow your instincts no matter what, and if you believe you must cure his aversion to love then that is what you must do. 

The last time an INFJ tried to save me from myself it ended badly, but that doesn't mean it can't work for you. I hope it does turn out for the best, for both of you.


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## Chesire Tower (Jan 19, 2013)

WolfStar said:


> Haha I didn't mean to like, be mean or anything. I figured it best to just be honest since it seems like everyone here would be glad to help OP, but it seems like they're far too busy to listen. xD


I need to be more like you; I am too much of an optimist, I guess. *sigh*
@Earth Goddess, people aren't going to want to help someone who becomes abusive to them, when they are just trying to help you.

Don't worry, to paraphrase, @WolfStar and @Aquarian: "I'm done here."


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## Earth Goddess (Aug 7, 2013)

Aquarian said:


> I'm tempted not to reply because I bet you'll just argue - you don't really want to know.
> 
> But hey, why not waste more of my time and energy, right? I mean after all, we're all just objects - foils for you to convince yourself of what you already believe anyway - not actual people who are bothering to share what we see.


I am not arguing, i'm defending myself and/or explaining things in more detail.



> Your rescuer/savior complex is a *problem in you* that you have dressed up in glorified terms, both before you had spiritual language to hide it with and now with your spiritual framework/language. Your spiritual framework is important because it is the current way you're deluding yourself that your rescuer/savior complex is some godlike good-person kind of thing. That is NOT what it is. What it is is a harmful psychological problem in *you *that you need to work on.


I don't see how wanting to help people is a problem! People who rescue people physically (EMT's, etc.) are saving people as their JOB, so why is it bad to want to save people personally just because you want to help them?


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## Earth Goddess (Aug 7, 2013)

Era said:


> I guess it's just hard for me to sympathize, knowing that you basically have a good thing going with a guy you're crazy about. A lot of people would envy you.


Well they wouldn't envy me if they knew what i've gone through. I didn't even have a single guy like me until I was 26 years old! And that guy was a loser that my friends hated and I even lost some friends because of him. I also spent 15 years waiting for my best male friend to be with me (he told me we would be married someday) but that never happened and we never even got together. I have only fooled around with 2 guys, one was that loser boyfriend and I HATED sex with him, the other was the mistake, and other than that I've barely had any men in my life. My family thinks i'm a lesbian because who gets into their 40's only having one boyfriend? I've always felt like other girls had it better than me, actually dating guys in high school and having a real loving relationship at least once in their lives, marrying and having kids by the time they are 30.



> But you want more than he's willing to give, and there's just no solution for that. You have to either be happy with what you've got, and make the most of it, or devote yourself to trying to change him. Not a lot of people would recommend the second option, but it seems you've already decided on it. As an INFJ you will follow your instincts no matter what, and if you believe you must cure his aversion to love then that is what you must do.


I know there is nothing I can do but accept the situation, I just thought there would be ways to deal with it. I guess now i can only hope he quits this job soon. He did tell me he would only work here for a year but that was almost a year ago and he has no plans to quit. He did tell me once I am the only reason he keeps this job, so I have a feeling he will stay as long as I'm here and I'm not quitting!


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## Earth Goddess (Aug 7, 2013)

TreasureTower said:


> @_Earth Goddess_, people aren't going to want to help someone who becomes abusive to them, when they are just trying to help you.


I'm confused, are you saying i'm becoming abusive to everyone in here?? I am only defending myself and explaining myself, I feel like I am being bullied in a sense...maybe that's a harsh way to put it, like people are judging me and saying things that aren't true to make me feel bad about myself. My natural response is to defend myself.


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## Aquarian (Jun 17, 2012)

Earth Goddess said:


> I don't see how wanting to help people is a problem! People who rescue people physically (EMT's, etc.) are saving people as their JOB, so why is it bad to want to save people personally just because you want to help them?


Because however you twist it around, it's functionally about trying to use other people to make yourself feel like a good person, for one, and dressing it up as if it's something selfless when it's really not. 

Because you are not a god, you're a human with your own problems and playing savior allows you to evade those problems, which means you will likely do more harm.

And other reasons I don't have energy to try to think about.


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## Chesire Tower (Jan 19, 2013)

Earth Goddess said:


> I'm confused, are you saying i'm becoming abusive to everyone in here?? I am only defending myself and explaining myself, I feel like I am being bullied in a sense...maybe that's a harsh way to put it, like people are judging me and saying things that aren't true to make me feel bad about myself. My natural response is to defend myself.


I posted those quotes to give you an idea about what Nichiren Budhism is; since it seemed to me that you had a misconception if not Buddhism, but the kind I practice, and it seemed that you directed all of your frustration against me; when all I have been trying to do, is to help you; despite the fact that you don't think so.

People here aren't trying to bully you but are legitimately frustrated because they feel that you ask for they're advice and then reject it. I understand why you see it as harsh, but no one here is trying to make you feel bad about yourself.

Why do you see it as an attack if people tell you to look at yourself?, because that isn't what anyone here is trying to do.

_Anyone_, not just _you_ in particular, who posts on a forum asking for advice, is going to get that response. Why? because YOU are the one requesting that advice.

So, at the very least; you should be respectful to the people who are trying to help. I have come across a few hostle threads requesting advice; I won't answer them because I don't need the grief.

*Anyway, I sincerely hope that you figure things out for yourself and best of luck to you.*

:happy:


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## Earth Goddess (Aug 7, 2013)

Aquarian said:


> Because however you twist it around, it's functionally about trying to use other people to make yourself feel like a good person, for one, and dressing it up as if it's something selfless when it's really not.
> 
> Because you are not a god, you're a human with your own problems and playing savior allows you to evade those problems, which means you will likely do more harm.
> 
> And other reasons I don't have energy to try to think about.


So you're telling me all the doctors, nurses, paramedics, therapists, energy healers, ANYONE who saves peoples lives or helps them heal in any way, is really doing it to make THEMSELVES feel better? How can you trust anyone then, who wants to do something good? You can't just say that's what their motives are. Why can't we just want to help people? You can't distinguish anyone's motives, nor should you, if somebody wants to help anyone in any way, as long as they're not trying to screw you out of money, there is no way it can be a bad thing. I've never even heard anyone accusing anyone of this before.


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## Earth Goddess (Aug 7, 2013)

TreasureTower said:


> I posted those quotes to give you an idea about what Nichiren Budhism is; since it seemed to me that you had a misconception if not Buddhism, but the kind I practice, and it seemed that you directed all of your frustration against me; when all I have been trying to do, is to help you; despite the fact that you don't think so.
> 
> People here aren't trying to bully you but are legitimately frustrated because they feel that you ask for they're advice and then reject it.


I am not exactly rejecting advice, I just don't have the time to respond to every single sentence in every post so I only reply to the parts I feel I need to answer. And when I do reply and it seems like i'm rejecting it, i'm just explaining more in detail why that solution wouldn't or hasn't worked for me.



> Why do you see it as an attack if people tell you to look at yourself?, because that isn't what anyone here is trying to do.


A few times people have said that! I see it as an attack when people say judgemental things, especially if those things aren't true.

_



Anyone,

Click to expand...

_


> not just _you_ in particular, who posts on a forum asking for advice, is going to get that response. Why? because YOU are the one requesting that advice.


Advice is one thing but being judgemental and assumptive (is that a word?) is another.



> So, at the very least; you should be respectful to the people who are trying to help.


If you notice, I am respectful as much as I can be, but like I said, when I am being judged and people assume things that aren't true, I have to defend myself. 

*



Anyway, I sincerely hope that you figure things out for yourself and best of luck to you.

Click to expand...

*
Thank you!

:happy:[/QUOTE]


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## trewdys (Feb 18, 2012)

The results of a desire to help others are indeed beneficial to others. However, that does not _necessarily_ mean that the desire itself is _always_ good. The "problem in you" I think the other posters were referring to was your rescuer/saviour "complex" or, as you called it, "fetish". Whether their perceptions are accurate or the unfortunate result of your choice of words, what they see is an unhealthy level of desire to help others. This desire is, at its core, a desire, and if it is not balanced, too much of a good thing can be bad.

Also, there seem to be some inconsistencies in your writing. One of several examples is that while you keep citing your many years of singlehood as evidence that you love yourself and don't feel the need to be in a relationship, in post #36 of this thread you rant about how hard that time was for you, and how you actually did want to be in a relationship. Feel free to clarify/refute this particular example, but I would encourage you to read through everything you've posted in this entire thread through the eyes of an outside observer who knows nothing, looking at the big picture and thinking about how you might seem inconsistent, and why that might be so. What I see is some sub/unconscious issue that you can hopefully become conscious of. (At the same time you can consider the allegations of rudeness or hostility that others have raised)

Finally, as far as I can see, there really is nothing else you can do other than the options you have presented and ruled off in your original post. If I were you, I'd ask him to clarify the status of the relationship, but in a rather casual way and leaving the option of not responding to the question, not as an "ultimatum". However, I realise that this action might still fall under a confrontation or giving him pressure, which is why I say there is nothing else you can do. If it doesn't, then there you go, something new for you to consider!



Earth Goddess said:


> So you're telling me all the doctors, nurses, paramedics, therapists, energy healers, ANYONE who saves peoples lives or helps them heal in any way, is really doing it to make THEMSELVES feel better? How can you trust anyone then, who wants to do something good? You can't just say that's what their motives are. Why can't we just want to help people? You can't distinguish anyone's motives, nor should you, if somebody wants to help anyone in any way, as long as they're not trying to screw you out of money, there is no way it can be a bad thing. I've never even heard anyone accusing anyone of this before.


This is going into philosophical territory here. What is a "want"? Is it not something that will make us feel better (or less bad) if fulfilled? For example, I could "want" to help people because I intrinsically "feel" a compulsion to help, in which case I just "feel better" after helping somebody. Or I could "want" to help people because I intellectually understand that the gains of helping that person are greater that the cost of my effort, and carrying out what my cost-benefit analysis dictates then makes me feel better. Or I could "want" to help people because I can earn money, and I "want" money because I can buy things with it, and I "want" to buy things because these things give me pleasure i.e. "feel better". Is it so bad if doctors help people because it makes themselves feel better? (Personally I think it would be a good thing since it means that wealth is not one of their main motivators but I've gone off topic enough)


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## Aquarian (Jun 17, 2012)

Earth Goddess said:


> So you're telling me all the doctors, nurses, paramedics, therapists, energy healers, ANYONE who saves peoples lives or helps them heal in any way, is really doing it to make THEMSELVES feel better? How can you trust anyone then, who wants to do something good? You can't just say that's what their motives are. Why can't we just want to help people? You can't distinguish anyone's motives, nor should you, if somebody wants to help anyone in any way, as long as they're not trying to screw you out of money, there is no way it can be a bad thing. I've never even heard anyone accusing anyone of this before.


No. I am telling you that YOU - let that sink in,* YOU* - are doing this to make yourself feel like a good person. 

That you compare yourself to these other people is part of the bullshit you're flinging around to obscure the issue. Just like it's bullshit that doing this makes you closer to being like Ghandi or the Dalai Lama or Jesus (from your original post).

I think you really seriously need to stop hiding behind all these other beings and ideological comparisons that don't work, and stand responsible for your own shit. Because let me tell you, you are* full of it.*

And with that, I am done with this discussion, stepping away, and actually don't want to have anything more to do with you at all on this site (so will be blocking you). Deception disgusts me.


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## Earth Goddess (Aug 7, 2013)

trewdys said:


> The results of a desire to help others are indeed beneficial to others. However, that does not _necessarily_ mean that the desire itself is _always_ good. The "problem in you" I think the other posters were referring to was your rescuer/saviour "complex" or, as you called it, "fetish". Whether their perceptions are accurate or the unfortunate result of your choice of words, what they see is an unhealthy level of desire to help others. This desire is, at its core, a desire, and if it is not balanced, too much of a good thing can be bad.


I didn't call it a fetish, that was someone else's word, I just adapted it for lack of a better word. I just say, I want to help people feel loved. And I guess I believe the only way that can be bad is if someone is using it for personal gain like if they are trying to make money off it, or get in with somebody to use them in some other way. I simply want to love someone and experience a loving relationship, something i've never had. It isn't even a unique or strange request, I just want what everyone else wants, i've just never had it so that makes me want it more than most people. Most people have relationships that are fullfilling at some point in their lives. My only relationship was not fullfilling at all. I am the equivalent to a starving African child who grows up with no food so of course they're going to want food more than a healthy American child. No one questions a starving child about why they want food! lol



> Also, there seem to be some inconsistencies in your writing. One of several examples is that while you keep citing your many years of singlehood as evidence that you love yourself and don't feel the need to be in a relationship, in post #36 of this thread you rant about how hard that time was for you, and how you actually did want to be in a relationship.


I'm not denying that i've always wanted a relationship. What I was explaining in post #36 was that I don't have it as good with this guy as people think. It's like that starving child being fed a small bowl of rice when what they really need is a seven course meal. And about loving myself while being single, you can love yourself even though you want a relationship. I don't think wanting to experience love and having good self esteem are synonymous.



> If I were you, I'd ask him to clarify the status of the relationship, but in a rather casual way and leaving the option of not responding to the question, not as an "ultimatum". However, I realise that this action might still fall under a confrontation or giving him pressure, which is why I say there is nothing else you can do. If it doesn't, then there you go, something new for you to consider!


It would have to be a casual way, and I would have to add something like "I don't care either way" (even though I do), otherwise he will panic and freak out and things will get wierd.


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## Earth Goddess (Aug 7, 2013)

Aquarian said:


> No. I am telling you that YOU - let that sink in,* YOU* - are doing this to make yourself feel like a good person.


How am I different than those people?! You cant just pick someone out of a group of people that all want the same thing and accuse them of having selfish motives!



> That you compare yourself to these other people is part of the bullshit you're flinging around to obscure the issue. Just like it's bullshit that doing this makes you closer to being like Ghandi or the Dalai Lama or Jesus (from your original post).


Again, there is no indication I am different than them, I think you're just accusing me of this to start an argument. And I never said being a good person made me feel closer to those ascended masters, I said I WANT to be like them and not turn my back on someone just because they aren't as loving as I am!



> And with that, I am done with this discussion, stepping away, and actually don't want to have anything more to do with you at all on this site (so will be blocking you). Deception disgusts me.


Fine by me, one less person to have to defend myself against!


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## FlaviaGemina (May 3, 2012)

Earth Goddess said:


> Recently I had a Reiki session done in which I found out that my purpose in this life is *to learn about love*.


And here's your first lesson:
1. OK, maybe your purpose in life _is_ to learn about love. Does that mean you know all about it and you are supposed to force your love on people who don't want it?
2. There are many different kinds of love, including platonic love, charity, acceptance, love for your relatives, being love, etc etc.

What spiritual teachings usually do NOT refer to when they talk about 'love' is the romantic boyfriend/girlfriend love you are so desperately looking for. The teachings of Gandhi, the Dalai Lama or Jesus have nothing whatsoever to do with boyfriends and girlfriends. 
If you can break up with this guy and still love him as a friend or fellow human being (even if you never see him again), then you've learned something. But smothering him with romantic feelings that he can't reciprocate due to his own issues has nothing to do with spiritual enlightenment. (And yes, if he says you're not a couple, but makes out with you and then pretends you are a couple in front of others, he is abusing you.)


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## Earth Goddess (Aug 7, 2013)

FlaviaGemina said:


> And here's your first lesson:
> 1. OK, maybe your purpose in life _is_ to learn about love. Does that mean you know all about it and you are supposed to force your love on people who don't want it?


I'm not trying to force my love on him, at all, in any way! I have never confronted him, asked him any questions, all the conversations we've had about it were started by him. I just go with the flow, for everything. I dont know why people think i'm trying to force this. That is exactly why I won't bring the subject up or try to get him to make a decision.



> 2. There are many different kinds of love, including platonic love, charity, acceptance, love for your relatives, being love, etc etc.


Well, true...but why would I have this strong of a pull towards it for my entire life? When she said I incarnated to learn about love, it all made sense, because that has been the main focus of my life since I was in high school.



> What spiritual teachings usually do NOT refer to when they talk about 'love' is the romantic boyfriend/girlfriend love you are so desperately looking for. The teachings of Gandhi, the Dalai Lama or Jesus have nothing whatsoever to do with boyfriends and girlfriends.


Oh I know that...in fact they never even had girlfriends as far as I know (unless you count Mary Magdalene for those who believe in that possibility). What i'm trying to do is be more loving in general but this is the only example in my life where I'm having trouble with it.



> (And yes, if he says you're not a couple, but makes out with you and then pretends you are a couple in front of others, he is abusing you.)


Well, he's never actually said we weren't a couple. Here is how a few conversations went at work...

Coworker: "Valentines Day is coming up, anyone gonna get anything for anyone? We have a relationship going on here!" (at which point everyone looks at me and him and we both start smiling)

Him: "yeeahhh"

Another one...

Coworker: "I didn't know you two were together?! I just found out now!"

Him: (smiles and giggles) "yeah!"

Sure all he said was "yeah" both times but why didn't he correct the coworker?


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## FlaviaGemina (May 3, 2012)

Earth Goddess said:


> I'm not trying to force my love on him, at all, in any way! I have never confronted him, asked him any questions, all the conversations we've had about it were started by him. I just go with the flow, for everything. I dont know why people think i'm trying to force this. That is exactly why I won't bring the subject up or try to get him to make a decision.


If that's the case, then your problem is solved. 





Earth Goddess said:


> Well, true...but why would I have this strong of a pull towards it for my entire life? When she said I incarnated to learn about love, it all made sense, because that has been the main focus of my life since I was in high school.


I've had a strong pull towards smoking cigarettes since I was 15. Does that make it a good thing? No, it gives me chesty coughs and there's a 50% chance it'll kill me.

Most people want to have a partner. Your desire for a boyfriend doesn't make you special or spiritual in any way.

Again, I can only repeat that the reason you aren't making any progress with being generally more loving towards this guy is because you've got romantic love and other forms of love all mixed up.
Maybe what he needs is for you to break up with him so he's got time to sort himself out. Maybe that will help him more in the long run. If that's the case, breaking up with him would be a more loving thing to do than keeping up this pseudo-relationship.



wikipedia said:


> In 1906 Gandhi, although married and a father, vowed to abstain from sexual relations


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## Earth Goddess (Aug 7, 2013)

FlaviaGemina said:


> If that's the case, then your problem is solved.


But my problem isn't to get him to love me, it's wanting to be a loving person vs doing what most girls would do, leave him.



> Most people want to have a partner. Your desire for a boyfriend doesn't make you special or spiritual in any way.


I never said it made me special or spiritual, my spirituality came only in the last 5 or 6 years.



> Again, I can only repeat that the reason you aren't making any progress with being generally more loving towards this guy is because you've got romantic love and other forms of love all mixed up.
> Maybe what he needs is for you to break up with him so he's got time to sort himself out. Maybe that will help him more in the long run. If that's the case, breaking up with him would be a more loving thing to do than keeping up this pseudo-relationship.


That could be true. It just feels wrong to me to do something negative, it just doesn't feel right.


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## FlaviaGemina (May 3, 2012)

Earth Goddess said:


> That could be true. It just feels wrong to me to do something negative, it just doesn't feel right.


But if it were to help him in the long run, then it wouldn't be something negative. On the contrary, it would be positive.

I can kind of understand your problem, because he's sending you mixed signals. You _are _in a romantic relationship but on the other hand he says he doesn't want a girl friend. So this will make your confusion worse: If you are to be loving to him, you've got to do it in a romantic way because you presently _are_ in a romantic relationship. 
So the question is, are you happy to be in a romantic relationship with someone who says he doesnt' want such a relationship?
If you're not happy with that, break up with him and if you can still love him as a friend/ fellow human being/ etc. that's fine. If it turns out you can't, then that means it was 100% romantic love/ wanting/ needing etc. rather than any other form of love. 
You say you can't break up with him because it would be too awkward or one of you would have to quit their job. Also, you say you would be the one to quit your job because you are a woman and thus more likely to be emotional. 
That's nonsense. People who work together break up all the time. My best friend had an affair with a colleague who is married, they broke up and are still working together and it's not a problem. Also, you don't have to make a huge scene or drama just because you are a woman. 
Do you have any female superior or colleague (or a trustworthy, non-sexist male superior) who you could talk to about this? They would be able to deal with this in a professional manner in case their is any problem. (Awkwardness isn't a problem, it's just a feeling that will pass after a while. But in case the guy gives you any trouble you shouldn't have to deal with this on your own.)


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## Earth Goddess (Aug 7, 2013)

FlaviaGemina said:


> I can kind of understand your problem, because he's sending you mixed signals. You _are _in a romantic relationship but on the other hand he says he doesn't want a girl friend. So this will make your confusion worse: If you are to be loving to him, you've got to do it in a romantic way because you presently _are_ in a romantic relationship.
> So the question is, are you happy to be in a romantic relationship with someone who says he doesnt' want such a relationship?


I don't even feel like i'm in a romantic relationship, I mean I do sometimes but at other times I don't. I guess since I realized this wasn't what I thought it was, i've been telling myself "this is nothing, we're just friends". Like i'll have myself convinced we are just friends but then he'll touch me in some way that just screams 'you are mine, I care about you'. And a lot of advice I get says to believe actions, not words. It's easy to lie, especially for men who are hiding their feelings. But actions cannot be faked. Anyway, sorry i'm rambling...the answer to your question is...(thinks) I guess i'm not even sure, because I AM happy during those times but i'm not happy when I'm focusing on how much I want more. So I can't even give a yes or no answer, because I go back and forth. I'm more happy than not though, I mean the times where I get sad are not as numerous as the times I am happy.



> You say you can't break up with him because it would be too awkward or one of you would have to quit their job. Also, you say you would be the one to quit your job because you are a woman and thus more likely to be emotional.
> That's nonsense. People who work together break up all the time. My best friend had an affair with a colleague who is married, they broke up and are still working together and it's not a problem. Also, you don't have to make a huge scene or drama just because you are a woman.


This is going to make me sound like such a baby, but I have never been able to control my emotions or my reactions to negative events regarding guys. I can honestly compose myself better at a funeral than I can when i'm upset over a guy. This has always been my weak spot, being emotionally vulnerable to rejection by men. Almost every guy I liked and got rejected by, I can remember at least one time where I had to go cry in the bathroom or go for a walk and cry or I was a basketcase and barely talked to anyone. It always hits me so hard. So I am not like other girls who are strong and in control of their feelings. Mine control me. Actually part of the reason I quit my last job was because of a guy I liked that didn't like me back, and every day was hell. I could barely perform my job I hated being there so much because of him.



> Do you have any female superior or colleague (or a trustworthy, non-sexist male superior) who you could talk to about this? They would be able to deal with this in a professional manner in case their is an problem. (Awkwardness isn't a problem, it's just a feeling that will pass after a while. But in case the guy gives you any trouble you shouldn't have to deal with this on your own.)


Yeah there are people here I can confide in but haven't, I don't want anyone to know how much this bothers me. I am not worried about him giving me any trouble, we actually talked about this when we were talking about that other couple that got fired, he actually told me if I wanted to, I could file a complaint against him first so he would get fired instead of me, because he doesn't care if he gets fired, whereas he knows how much this job means to me and I don't ever want to quit.


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## FlaviaGemina (May 3, 2012)

@Earth Goddess
Maybe you've got a thing for guys who reject you? Some people are like that. Even lots of people who are very well-adjusted and don't have any other problems just can't cope with someone actually liking them. They always end up with someone who rejects them. You'd have to find out why that is. Have you been taught that a woman has only got worth when she has a boyfriend? Or have you been made to feel that you don't deserve things? etc? My best friend, whom I mentioned before, is a successful professional, very intelligent, very good company .. but she has this problem with guys where she tends to pick up inferior guys and showers them with love. So if you've got some issue on that front, that doesn't mean that you are completely messed up and a loonie. But it just might be that there is one area of your life that needs examining and it can only get better if you face it.

You say you sometimes think you are just friends, but then you feel good when the guy touches you.. but then you are unhappy because you want more. Could you not be friends with benefits? There's nothing wrong with that as such. If you don't want to be friends with benefits, is that because you personally don't like the idea or because of societal expectations?

OK, so you said last time a guy broke up with you you cried and didn't talk to anyone. Well.... that's kinda normal and it will pass. Who says you have a duty to talk to people when you're not feeling well. It's normal for people not to be 100% after a break-up. 

Do you work on an oil-rig or something? I think you said that you work there for a lengthy stint. Maybe you're just focusing on that guy too much because you're trapped in there and don't get to see many other people? I've seen this happen a lot when people are trapped together. E.g. when I was volunteering with an organization everybody would date everybody else within that organization as if there were no other people in the world. And these were people who had access to the outside world via their other commitments (work, school, free time activities etc.)


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## Earth Goddess (Aug 7, 2013)

FlaviaGemina said:


> @_Earth Goddess_
> Maybe you've got a thing for guys who reject you? Some people are like that. Even lots of people who are very well-adjusted and don't have any other problems just can't cope with someone actually liking them. They always end up with someone who rejects them. You'd have to find out why that is.


I can't imagine why I would like being rejected, otherwise I wouldn't be so upset about it. I've wanted this my whole life, I don't know why I would sabotage myself from getting it. I think part of the problem is I just don't meet many guys, so my options are limited, and I know there are a few things about me that make guys not want to be with me (that would be a long explanation but I can give it if you want!).



> Have you been taught that a woman has only got worth when she has a boyfriend?


No, I truly don't think that is what it is. I know lots of women who don't have boyfriends or husbands and I don't look down on them like they aren't good enough, so why would I look at myself that way?



> Or have you been made to feel that you don't deserve things?


This is certainly not true, I feel like I deserve love more than anyone I know! lol Just because I really do think i'm a good catch and if I were a guy, I would be with me. And after being alone so much, I deserve to finally experience it.



> My best friend, whom I mentioned before, is a successful professional, very intelligent, very good company .. but she has this problem with guys where she tends to pick up inferior guys and showers them with love.


I don't see the guys I like as being inferior though. Not even all the guys I have liked were broken like this. I've even rejected some of the guys so i'm not even saying this is a pattern and it happens this way every time, I'm just saying WHEN I get rejected, that's when my emotional problems happen. Mostly what runs through my mind during these times are "Just when I thought I met The One!" and "I'm getting too old to have this keep happening".



> You say you sometimes think you are just friends, but then you feel good when the guy touches you.. but then you are unhappy because you want more. Could you not be friends with benefits? There's nothing wrong with that as such. If you don't want to be friends with benefits, is that because you personally don't like the idea or because of societal expectations?


I don't want a friends with benefits situation because I want to experience LOVE, not using each other. I want someone to share my life with, not someone to just fool around with. I want more for a reason, and if I had sex with him it would only make me want more MORE lol...if you know what I mean! Physical closeness to me equals love. I dont know how people have meaningless sex, I am very hesitant physically with guys who don't want what I want. I just can't give myself in that way unless he is giving me what I want, too.



> OK, so you said last time a guy broke up with you you cried and didn't talk to anyone. Well.... that's kinda normal and it will pass. Who says you have a duty to talk to people when you're not feeling well. It's normal for people not to be 100% after a break-up.


No they weren't breakups, they were just when guys rejected me. I only had one boyfriend and I dumped HIM. I'm referring to just guys I liked and wanted to be with but they either just wanted to be friends or just wanted sex.



> Do you work on an oil-rig or something? I think you said that you work there for a lengthy stint. Maybe you're just focusing on that guy too much because you're trapped in there and don't get to see many other people? I've seen this happen a lot when people are trapped together. E.g. when I was volunteering with an organization everybody would date everybody else within that organization as if there were no other people in the world. And these were people who had access to the outside world via their other commitments (work, school, free time activities etc.)


I dont work on an oil rig myself but I work at a lodge/camp where the oil workers stay, it's kinda like a hotel only it's made up of trailers so it's not real fancy. We literally ARE trapped together though since it's in the middle of nowhere North Dakota (which only has 4 major cities, the nearest being 2 hours away!), and we have such little free time that we usually just stay on the property and hang out with each other. Nobody knows anyone in this state, it's just everyone who works here together away from their families and friends. It's like a 2nd life that only revolves around work.


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## FlaviaGemina (May 3, 2012)

Earth Goddess said:


> "Just when I thought I met The One!" and "I'm getting too old to have this keep happening".
> 
> .


Found your problem. The One doesn't exist, not even in INFJ lala land. Also, assuming The One does exist, why would he live anywhere near you? That would be far too convenient, he could be Chinese or African or live in another galaxy. You're never gonna find that ONE person who fulfils all your needs. There are gonna be some people who you can talk to about some topics and then there are gonna be other people who you can do certain activities with etc. And not all of them are gonna be men. Some are gonna be female friends or relatives or people on the internet etc. Expecting one person to be everything puts way too much pressure on them and it's been proven to be one of the number-one relationship killers.
Also, you say you want to experience LOVE. What keeps you from experiencing love? Nothing. Love is a feeling and you are free to feel it whenever you choose. 
What you want is a long-term relationship. So why not be honest about that? There's nothing wrong with that. Many people want a long-term relationship. This guy apparently doesn't. So why not find someone who does? 
That's all I've got to say about the matter.


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## Earth Goddess (Aug 7, 2013)

FlaviaGemina said:


> Found your problem. The One doesn't exist, not even in INFJ lala land. Also, assuming The One does exist, why would he live anywhere near you? That would be far too convenient, he could be Chinese or African or live in another galaxy. You're never gonna find that ONE person who fulfils all your needs. There are gonna be some people who you can talk to about some topics and then there are gonna be other people who you can do certain activities with etc. And not all of them are gonna be men. Some are gonna be female friends or relatives or people on the internet etc. Expecting one person to be everything puts way too much pressure on them and it's been proven to be one of the number-one relationship killers.


Well I didnt mean that exactly literally, I know we have many soulmates all over the place, I guess I shouldnt even call them soulmates. But the main thing is my age, the older I get, the more upset I get when a guy doesn't work out, because of all that wasted time and i'm not getting any younger.



> Also, you say you want to experience LOVE. What keeps you from experiencing love? Nothing. Love is a feeling and you are free to feel it whenever you choose.
> What you want is a long-term relationship. So why not be honest about that? There's nothing wrong with that. Many people want a long-term relationship.


lol Sorry I wasn't detailed enough, I did mean a long term relationship. But a LOVING one. The one I had was 2 years long but there was no love there on my part,I felt forced to be with him. So yeah, I want mutual love in a relationship.



> This guy apparently doesn't. So why not find someone who does?


Well it isn't that I am against finding someone else, but being at work 95% of my time kind of makes it hard, I only know the guys I work with. When i'm home, it's only for a few days.


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## Earth Goddess (Aug 7, 2013)

*update*

So I have a little to add here, this week my guy has showed some good signs. We were talking to a coworker who said he was hitting on this cute bartender at the bar we were at a few days before, and my guy goes to me, "If I wasn't with you, I would have hit on her too!" I was so shocked I didn't even know what to say! So he considers himself WITH me!? He wont flirt with other girls because of ME, what does this mean!? Also during this conversation he said (to the other guy) that I am not like other girls, i'm one of the good ones who are hard to find. Also when we got into my car, he lit up a cigarette and the other guy goes "Why do you get special priviledges!?" and he goes "Why do you think!?" (What did that mean!?) Then my birthday was the other day and everyone here (at work) signed the card, and when he signed it, he wrote "Love, (his name)".

But yet he still doesn't call or text me, he didnt give me a goodbye kiss or hug yesterday when I left for my 2 week break (lots of hugs and kisses all day though, but he just walked away too casually considering he won't see me for 2 weeks!), maybe I just expect this to be like other relationships and maybe he's just not that hard core about it, maybe he likes things to be casual (after all, he is extremely casual in every other aspect of his life). I just can't figure out why he won't call me his girlfriend (when everyone else does!) and why he is ok with being "with" me if we're not having sex. If he considers this a relationship, you'd think he would keep trying for sex or at least want to talk about it or about the status of us. 

I am more confused than ever now!! lol


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## Kitagawa Megumi (Jan 13, 2010)

Earth Goddess said:


> I am shocked so many people are saying this, I don't feel I have a problem with this at all. Maybe it comes out that way in my posts but trust me, I love and respect myself, and I have always been happy. Saying I want a relationship doesn't mean I'm depressed without one, it just means i've been single most of my life and I would like to experience true love (which I thought this was going to be, in the beginning).


Your desire for a relationship stems from feelings of ____ (fill in the blanks) due to having not been in a relationship all your life. Maybe you feel as though you've missed out on that aspect of life. So ask yourself, why have you been single for most of your life? How do you feel, knowing that you've been single all your life? 





> Well first I have to clarify, i'm not unhappy with him...i'm only unhappy when I think about the future I want with him that I probably will never have. I LOVE being with him, he doesn't make me unhappy at all. And about detaching, I don't think that is possible when we are together so much. We work 84 hours a week, we work together, we live here at work, and we spend our free time together because this is kind of like a small community that we are confined to. We don't have family or friends here, it's just us coworkers. So there is no escaping anyone here. It's kind of like being trapped on a deserted island together! lol


He is not an idea, he's a person. He's not a chance, he's a person. Future? What about now? You're a person who fears and desires, so is he. You are not Gandhi or Jesus, in fact if you take "Jesus" too literally, as from reading the bible stories -- you're tricking yourself into thinking that you are omniscient. You are NOT, you are a HUMAN BEING. With fears, desires and needs. 

You have to first take care of you, before you can care for another. If your actions of care is not beneficial for your well-being, what you have is a silly "I need you to make me happy, just as I'm making you happy." Romanticism is sooo silly, co-dependents believe in the idea of their soul mate being someone to charge them up with life as they do their partner. "For the millionth time, not the chocolate milk, I wanted orange juice!" Replace chocolate milk and orange juice with WHAT YOU WANT and WHAT HE GIVES. Or rather, HOW YOU WANT HIM TO TREAT YOU VS HOW HE IS TREATING YOU. HOW BLOODY TIRING IS THAT? 

The fact that he says to you that he is emotionally closed off etc -- and you're upset over the situation which relates to him just shows that you ARE unhappy with him. The more you deny it, the greater the negative emotions will stir within you.




> I AM accepting of him, that's the thing, i'm more accepting of him than I have ever been of anyone. Other guys I dated who I couldn't accept, I just quit calling them, or broke it off. With this guy, I am so accepting of him which is why I feel like I could spend my life with him. If you are referring to his fear of commitment, as far as he knows, I am accepting of that too. He knows I don't want to get married and he doesn't either, we actually talk about that a lot, it's one of the things we have in common. I have NEVER brought up the subject of being in a relationship, I have never even asked him anything, I let him offer up the information when he's ready. I never push or nag or ask or pressure him about ANYTHING, I simply go about my day responding to him when he talks to me, cuddles with me, asks to hang out, whatever. I just go with the flow pretty much. And this has been going on for about 10 or 11 months now, which I know is longer than his last relationship which only lasted a few months. He is not one to do anything he doesn't wanna do so if he felt pressured by me or anything, he would stop all the attention he is giving me.


While you may accept his non-commitment, you even said so yourself that you are hurt. 


> But it hurts being in love with someone who doesn't love me back.



If the entire situation really sat well with you, WHY are you feeling hurt? Because it doesn't sit well with you. So what the hell do you want? For him to love you back? Then go forth with your decision:


> Or should I come out and say i'm not getting what I want so therefore I shouldn't let him hug me anymore, or talk to me, just cut off all communication and interaction even though it will make things very difficult at work?



Again, what do YOU WANT? 


> He is not one to do anything he doesn't wanna do *so if he felt pressured by me or anything, he would stop all the attention he is giving me.*


Attention? Love? Attention =/= Love. What kind of a lame-ass man does this anyway? Seeing someone who's attracted to them, hurt, and yet not doing a damn thing about it. If anything, this just sounds like the both of you are in love with the situation and not each other. 



> at what point does even an enlightened awakened highly conscious person



You on the one hand, perhaps wanting to prove to yourself that you're on par with Gandhi and Jesus, being all-loving and "I CAN TAKE IT ALL!!!!" when you are clearly hurting yourself. Take responsibility for your own well-being. Wow, if being an enlightened, awakened, highly conscious person entails hurting myself, confusion, inner turmoil, cognitive dissonance and being conflicted then FUCK THAT. Who wants to be "an enlightened, awakened, highly conscious person" then? No thanks! 

Him on the other hand, being closed off and self-righteous, "WOE IS ME, CRAZY GIRLS HAVE DONE ME INJUSTICE - SO NOW I SHALL BE COLD AND INDIFFERENT TO WOMEN WHO ARE ATTRACTED TO ME. MY PAIN JUSTIFIES THE PAIN I INFLICT ON OTHERS!" 

Eight words, he needs to get the fuck over himself.


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## Aquarian (Jun 17, 2012)

apathy said:


> You on the one hand, perhaps wanting to prove to yourself that you're on par with Gandhi and Jesus, being all-loving and "I CAN TAKE IT ALL!!!!" when you are clearly hurting yourself. Take responsibility for your own well-being. *Wow, if being an enlightened, awakened, highly conscious person entails hurting myself, confusion, inner turmoil, cognitive dissonance and being conflicted then FUCK THAT. Who wants to be "an enlightened, awakened, highly conscious person" then? No thanks!*


All I can think is that the Jesus story has him dying painfully for other people's sins. Co-dependent much?


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## Earth Goddess (Aug 7, 2013)

apathy said:


> Your desire for a relationship stems from feelings of ____ (fill in the blanks) due to having not been in a relationship all your life. Maybe you feel as though you've missed out on that aspect of life. So ask yourself, why have you been single for most of your life? How do you feel, knowing that you've been single all your life?


Yes I do feel like I missed out on that aspect of life. I mean how many people do you know who are in their 40's only having had one relationship and not a very good one at that? If I DID want kids, I would be even more upset about this, thank God I don't, but I still feel like i'm going to reach old age before experiencing love and we all know it gets harder to find the older you get.



> He is not an idea, he's a person. He's not a chance, he's a person. Future? What about now? You're a person who fears and desires, so is he. You are not Gandhi or Jesus, in fact if you take "Jesus" too literally, as from reading the bible stories -- you're tricking yourself into thinking that you are omniscient. You are NOT, you are a HUMAN BEING. With fears, desires and needs.


I am not saying I am like Jesus or Ghandi, I think you are misunderstanding me. I am not going around thinking i'm holier than anyone else. It's hard to explain to people who aren't in this position. I posted this on a spiritual forum and got entirely different replies because the people there understood what I meant. I am striving to be the best person I can be mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually, it's kind of more related to the shift we're all going through where we must choose love over hate in order to evolve, but if I explain it any further in here you'd all just think I was crazy LOL



> You have to first take care of you, before you can care for another. If your actions of care is not beneficial for your well-being, what you have is a silly "I need you to make me happy, just as I'm making you happy." Romanticism is sooo silly, co-dependents believe in the idea of their soul mate being someone to charge them up with life as they do their partner. "For the millionth time, not the chocolate milk, I wanted orange juice!" Replace chocolate milk and orange juice with WHAT YOU WANT and WHAT HE GIVES. Or rather, HOW YOU WANT HIM TO TREAT YOU VS HOW HE IS TREATING YOU. HOW BLOODY TIRING IS THAT?


Again I think i'm being misunderstood here. I don't need someone to MAKE me happy, I WANT someone to BE happy WITH. I have been single most of my life doing the ME thing by myself, clearly by now I understand I can live without a man. That isn't the point at all. If that was it, I would be taking any date I could get, using dating sites, I'd be juggling multiple men desperate for any of them to work out. It's quite the opposite. I rarely find a man I like and most of the time when I do, I'm the one to end things with him.



> The fact that he says to you that he is emotionally closed off etc -- and you're upset over the situation which relates to him just shows that you ARE unhappy with him. The more you deny it, the greater the negative emotions will stir within you.


I think there is a difference between being unhappy with a person and being unhappy with the reality of the implications with that person. I hope that made sense.



> If the entire situation really sat well with you, WHY are you feeling hurt? Because it doesn't sit well with you. So what the hell do you want? For him to love you back? Then go forth with your decision:


My job is my priority which is why I am holding back on making any changes with this guy. Yes I want him to love me back but you can't force that to happen and if I shake things up and things go badly and I have to quit my job, I will regret that forever.




> Attention? Love? Attention =/= Love. What kind of a lame-ass man does this anyway? Seeing someone who's attracted to them, hurt, and yet not doing a damn thing about it. If anything, this just sounds like the both of you are in love with the situation and not each other.


I get attention from other men, not just him. It isn't the attention I want. It's the feelings from him that I want. Attention = feelings. Or maybe not exactly but it isn't attention I want, it's HIM, otherwise I would already be happy with the attention I get from other guys.



> You on the one hand, perhaps wanting to prove to yourself that you're on par with Gandhi and Jesus, being all-loving and "I CAN TAKE IT ALL!!!!" when you are clearly hurting yourself. Take responsibility for your own well-being. Wow, if being an enlightened, awakened, highly conscious person entails hurting myself, confusion, inner turmoil, cognitive dissonance and being conflicted then FUCK THAT. Who wants to be "an enlightened, awakened, highly conscious person" then? No thanks!


I didnt say being enlightened means you have to suffer, that's the whole point of this post was to figure out how to do this.



> Him on the other hand, being closed off and self-righteous, "WOE IS ME, CRAZY GIRLS HAVE DONE ME INJUSTICE - SO NOW I SHALL BE COLD AND INDIFFERENT TO WOMEN WHO ARE ATTRACTED TO ME. MY PAIN JUSTIFIES THE PAIN I INFLICT ON OTHERS!"
> 
> Eight words, he needs to get the fuck over himself.


He isn't cold and indifferent though, that's the thing. It isn't like he treats me like shit or says mean things to me or abuses me, quite the opposite. He is only like every other person on this planet who has been hurt and feels like the only way to avoid it is to shut off your feelings. But clearly he is making some progress, based on my recent update.


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## Earth Goddess (Aug 7, 2013)

Aquarian said:


> All I can think is that the Jesus story has him dying painfully for other people's sins. Co-dependent much?


So you're saying Jesus was co-dependent!? :shocked:


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