# Vanguard poop thread.



## Vanguard (Dec 22, 2009)

Gentleman Bastard said:


> Wouldn't say I have a deep wound, at least not something worth mentioning. Though as far as darkness goes, I'd have to say the one thing I've always been aware of is having a sadistic inclination.
> 
> When I was about 7 or 8, I remember once stumbling upon a nest of baby birds with no mother in sight. Most normal kids probably would've gotten their parents to help them or maybe play with them, something along those lines. But nope, instead, I grabbed a big stick and struck them repeatedly, watching them chirp incessantly. Fortunately, I didn't kill them, but I admit, it was entertaining to me back then. Then there were a few times where I had beat the shit out of my neighbor's cats when I was alone in a room with them. Not sure what that was about, all I know is I enjoyed doing it. I also really enjoyed killing lizards and throwing them into an air conditioner fan, but then again, that's not that abnormal. *Though I do remember once stabbing a lizard's heart out and watching its face as the life poured out of it*. That was more satisfying than it should have been. Finally, there was someone who I had physically abused every time I was in a room alone with them for no other reason than the fact that I could. What can I say, I enjoyed doing it back then.


What the actual fuck?

And my deepest darkness (are you actually serious with this shit?) is that I hold back on saying what my impressions are of people because telling them is a waste of time in most cases. But since you asked so nicely...

I think most of you are full of shit and exaggerate the extent of your suffering...Reading most of these posts makes me cringe. To quote a favourite movie of mine:

_*"Listen up, maggots. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else."*_


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## Animal (May 29, 2012)

@_Vanguard_, I usually hold back giving my impressions of people too - but since you gave yours, I'll give mine. In my eyes, you are a coward. Insulting people who are opening up about their humanity and struggles is cowardice. I would agree that is darkness. I feel more sorry for people like you than anyone who has suffered and opens up about it. It actually hurts to watch you do this to yourself. I could laugh at it, and I have in the past, but it's too pitiful to even laugh at. It registers to me as emptiness, desperation and a need for attention. "Anyone who expresses emotions is full of shit!" What a dry existence. And beyond that, even if you feel that way, it takes real insecurity to prove you're "above it" by cutting others down. I hope I am wrong and you do find some fulfillment in your internet trolling. I hope it makes you feel alive.

____
_“If you’re really listening, if you’re awake to the poignant beauty of the world, your heart breaks regularly. In fact, your heart is made to break; its purpose is to burst open again and again so that it can hold evermore wonders.” —Andrew Harvey_​


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## d e c a d e n t (Apr 21, 2013)

Vanguard said:


> I think most of you are full of shit and exaggerate the extent of your suffering...Reading most of these posts makes me cringe. To quote a favourite movie of mine:
> 
> _*"Listen up, maggots. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else."*_


Are anyone here even claiming to be a special snowflake, though? If so I must have missed it. I know I can go on about my problems while being fully aware that I'm the ~same decaying organic matter as everyone else~ at the end of the day. Doesn't really negate any of the suffering people might go through. 

*puffs Freudian pipe* Are you sure you aren't just upset because you don't have any stories that are darker than everyone else's here put together


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## Sixty Nein (Feb 13, 2011)

Gentlemans Bastards true darkside was very fucked up. It's beautiful.

Most of the darker pits of my soul is just really creepy, with lots of sexual issues. So yeah.


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## Vanguard (Dec 22, 2009)

Animal said:


> @_Vanguard_, I usually hold back giving my impressions of people too - but since you gave yours, I'll give mine. In my eyes, you are a coward. Insulting people who are opening up about their humanity and struggles is cowardice. I would agree that is darkness. I feel more sorry for people like you than anyone who has suffered and opens up about it. It actually hurts to watch you do this to yourself. I could laugh at it, and I have in the past, but it's too pitiful to even laugh at. It registers to me as emptiness, desperation and a need for attention. "Anyone who expresses emotions is full of shit!" What a dry existence. And beyond that, even if you feel that way, it takes real insecurity to prove you're "above it" by cutting others down. I hope I am wrong and you do find some fulfillment in your internet trolling. I hope it makes you feel alive.
> 
> ____
> _“If you’re really listening, if you’re awake to the poignant beauty of the world, your heart breaks regularly. In fact, your heart is made to break; its purpose is to burst open again and again so that it can hold evermore wonders.” —Andrew Harvey_​


And I laugh at anyone who has to constantly express how "deep" and "profound" they are... how much they have suffered or how destructive you are (ever heard the expression 'if the king has to tell you he's the king, then he ain't the king?'). Sure, it's cathartic to open up...but most of this is self-indulgent circle-jerkery and I'm not buying it.


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## 7rr7s (Jun 6, 2011)

@Vanguard One day I hope you know real suffering and darkness. Maybe it will teach you some fucking respect. 



On a side note, I think there's a danger with threads like these, of comparing suffering and trading war stories. It's not about who has it worse, or who had to go through something more devastating than someone else. We all have our struggles, but let's not turn it into a pissing contest. Not that anyone's doing that, just saying it shouldn't happen with potentially sensitive topics like this.


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## Sina (Oct 27, 2010)

Nonsense said:


> Eh, I thought it was clear enough. Saying "X _or _Y" does not imply the two are the same.
> 
> (Might give a proper answer to this topic, but I'm still thinking of what to say to the questions.)


And, I didn't say it was unclear. That was an observation on the nature of wounds vs. darkness.


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## Animal (May 29, 2012)

Vanguard said:


> And I laugh at anyone who has to constantly express how "deep" and "profound" they are... how much they have suffered or how destructive you are (ever heard the expression 'if the king has to tell you he's the king, then he ain't the king?'). Sure, it's cathartic to open up...but most of this is self-indulgent circle-jerkery and I'm not buying it.


Well I'm glad you get a good laugh out of it. You don't have to buy it. I didn't realize people's personal catharsis was for sale, and I'd be surprised if anyone on this thread was specifically selling it to you. For anyone who was, don't waste your time, we can find better customers. 



KindOfBlue06 said:


> @_Vanguard_ One day I hope you know real suffering and darkness. Maybe it will teach you some fucking respect.


Yes. This.

It's about respect. It's not about whether you "buy it" or not.



> On a side note, I think there's a danger with threads like these, of comparing suffering and trading war stories. It's not about who has it worse, or who had to go through something more devastating than someone else. We all have our struggles, but let's not turn it into a pissing contest. Not that anyone's doing that, just saying it shouldn't happen with potentially sensitive topics like this.


I completely agree with this. This is why my post on the first page, mentions that despite my hardships, I don't see mine as being "worse" than anyone else.

http://personalitycafe.com/enneagra...pest-wound-darkness-yourself.html#post4773672

^ I have never thought anyone's suffering is 'worse' than someone else or should be compared. Today, I might complain that some guy doesn't want me or I have TMJ, or my basement flooded. Someone might say to me, "First world problems." Fine. They're right. It's a luxury to be able to worry about such things. At one point in my life, I couldn't walk, couldn't move, couldn't swallow, had 105 fevers for weeks and didn't know my own name. But right now, that is not the case. So the small things that come up day to day - like my basement flooding.. or dental issues.. or boyfriends.. these things end up being more meaningful now, because I can walk and I do know my name. I don't compare these to my old problems. They are part of life, and they are very real to me _right now_. Because I'm alive. I'm not dead, jaded, wooden. I feel, I breathe, I bleed, I'm alive. 






^ / end cheeseball moment ;D


Similarly, I wouldn't compare anyone's suffering to someone else's. Everybody's story is her own - and there is really no room for comparison on issues like this.


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## Vanguard (Dec 22, 2009)

KindOfBlue06 said:


> @_Vanguard_ One day I hope you know real suffering and darkness. Maybe it will teach you some fucking respect.


What a spiteful comment. Don't wish on others what you wouldn't want brought on yourself. 

And I don't air my dirty laundry to the world...that's not my style.

EDIT:

No Animal, it's not about respect. You want acknowledgement and validation...and I refuse to give it to you.


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## 7rr7s (Jun 6, 2011)

Vanguard said:


> What a spiteful comment. Don't wish on others what you wouldn't want brought on yourself.
> 
> And I don't air my dirty laundry to the world...that's not my style...


Dark things happen to everyone at some point. Either they break you down or they make you stronger. If you experience some real dark shit you will learn to respect it more. 

I don't usually go about talking about all of the dark things I've experienced but this is what the thread is about. If you aren't into that, then move on.


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## mimesis (Apr 10, 2012)

Vanguard said:


> And I laugh at anyone who has to constantly express how "deep" and "profound" they are... how much they have suffered or how destructive you are (ever heard the expression 'if the king has to tell you he's the king, then he ain't the king?'). Sure, it's cathartic to open up...but most of this is self-indulgent circle-jerkery and I'm not buying it.


Well, I don't think you got the cred. :tongue:


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## Animal (May 29, 2012)

Vanguard said:


> No Animal, it's not about respect. You want acknowledgement and validation...and I refuse to give it to you.


Interesting assumption. Go ahead and run with that if it entertains you. I'm not bothered…. in fact I have to admit I'm mildly entertained. The irony of someone coming into a thread where people are cathartically sharing their grievances in a therapeutic manner on a psychology forum - making a "I'm better than all of you" scene - and then accusing someone else of wanting acknowledgement… is just.. too funny. So I guess we're even now, laugh for laugh.


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## Sina (Oct 27, 2010)

KindOfBlue06 said:


> @_Vanguard_ One day I hope you know real suffering and darkness. Maybe it will teach you some fucking respect.
> 
> 
> 
> On a side note, I think there's a danger with threads like these, of comparing suffering and trading war stories. It's not about who has it worse, or who had to go through something more devastating than someone else. We all have our struggles, but let's not turn it into a pissing contest. Not that anyone's doing that, just saying it shouldn't happen with potentially sensitive topics like this.



KoB, this is more a comment on the very nature of sharing anything personal or difficult on the internet, using this forum and my own experiences as an example. 


Anyone pissy enough to think that this is some kind of suffering olympics where people are trying to one-up each other, asserting 'badassery' or proving who had it worse has a shit load left to learn about life and respect, and even more work left to do on fixing their own wackass insecurities. If that's all it takes to chap your ass, you must be pretty fuckin weak. 


I have answered very pointed questions, like a fool, on my first ever typing thread where a jackass whose main intent was to disrespect was pretending to be 'helpful' by asking me about my past. After I had shared some very painful details from my past, it was turned on me as an effort to appear 'tough' or '8' like, when that was the last damn thing on my mind. Funny how I had joined this forum typing at an INFJ XD, because of JCF ignorance and also the amount of emotional growth I had experienced from receiving empathy training and from ACT, therapy etc. My self-image was that of a compassionate individual who had grown tremendously in emotional intelligence, as opposed to some firebreathing pseudo-badass. 


Another thing I remember from around that time is a visit to a Helen Palmer's seminar. Someone had asked me how an 8 parent had influenced me, and my answer wasn't 'strength' or 'toughnes' LMAO. My answer was and always has been, in various contexts where people have asked me this, that I get my generosity from my father, that my charitable compassionate nature has been his greatest legacy and gift. I have said this long before I even knew of the Enneagram. 


But, on the forum, the person (who was a lunatic - literally and a TW stooge lofl) went so far as to call me a liar and attempted to pathologize me. It was nothing but projection. I have talked about this on the forum before. Anytime someone shares something difficult that may have lead to maladaptive behaviours of the kind, superficially associated with 'badassery' by these very people and hardly ever by people sharing these details, and it gets taken as proof of 'tuffness' or 'validation seeking', it's total fuckin projection. 

As an example, when I speak of destructiveness, one incident that I've covered elsewhere on the forum involves a disabled cousin who was about 12 at the time. When a place gets wrecked by war and state sponsored terrorism and more, poverty is often the consequence. My aunt could no longer look after her son, and her brother offered to take him away to a different state. He then got the kid working at a fuckin factory where the child was worked to death. Anyone involved in his death, well their lives have long been ruined, primarily through legal channels, and I am happy I wrecked their lives beyond comprehension. Though, in an ideal world, I'd have taken it all in my own hands and had a whale of a good time working them to death like my cousin was while torturing them on the side, because just slitting throats and shit or hell even throwing petrol on such people and setting them on fire would've been too gentle a demise for the heinous crimes against the humanity of my late-cousin and other children.

If someone wants to read it as a manifesto of 'show don't tell badassery' as opposed to pain and overcoming, be my fuckin guest. :3 There are times when what you see speaks volumes about your own delusions and the ****** in your own armour than anything else. 


-THAT- was the last time I stepped on a thread on this place, where it can turn from a very open and welcoming environment as has always been @_Animal_'s goal, to a shithole, expecting any modicum of sensitivity and respect with regards to genuine sharing of often difficult details. So, KoB, you are very right. I had even told Animal that I would not answer it in public but do it more for my private contemplation. Later, I decided to share anyway. I may delete if I am in the mood for it, but I know where you're coming from. 

This is just a fuckin personality forum, and anyone who shares something difficult here should do it with full knowledge that it may be pissed on by some insecurity ridden tool or another with their head too far up their ass to see things for what they are. 

When I read comments denigrating the kind of sharing that has taken place here, it tells me that the person has just flagged their own butt as hurt. :kitteh: Yes, you grumpy ol' boy @_Vanguard_. Ever considered why you think everyone's pining for your validation? Funny how you are the one who desperately seeks the validation of others needing your 'validation', even at the risk of making an ass of yourself. <3 You keep repeating yourself like a broken record, on that one. Animal is a 3 too right? Validation seeking, speshul snowflake? You lil genius you...so kewt. Dem one trick ponies make the world go round. Such a forealz badasss shittin on a thread meant for difficult sharing. :3


As for all your silly lil 'bullshit calling', you don't have to buy a damn thing _sweetie. _Consider it a gift. :3 It's clear as night and day that everyone here, but _you_, lil ol' Ate you, is full of shit. :laughing:


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## Vanguard (Dec 22, 2009)

Cosmic Orgasm said:


> KoB, this is more a comment on the very nature of sharing anything personal or difficult on the internet, using this forum and my own experiences as an example.
> 
> 
> Anyone pissy enough to think that this is some kind of suffering olympics where people are trying to one-up each other, asserting 'badassery' or proving who had it worse has a shit load left to learn about life and respect, and even more work left to do on fixing their own wackass insecurities. If that's all it takes to chap your ass, you must be pretty fuckin weak.
> ...


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## Sixty Nein (Feb 13, 2011)

I think the true darkness of my soul is to either join this bandwagon or not.

What RPG class is you Vanguard, Cosmic Orgasm, Anyone else? I think answering this question will let us see the true nature of one's soul. You are able to tell 2% of a percent by what champion they pick on LoL, 3% on what TV shows they watch, and 10% if you know which forums they visit. However only through RPG class archetypes can one understand 100% of somebody's soul.


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## d e c a d e n t (Apr 21, 2013)

Sixty Nein said:


> I think the true darkness of my soul is to either join this bandwagon or not.


Come on you bloody 9, pick a side. :tongue:



Sixty Nein said:


> What RPG class is you Vanguard, Cosmic Orgasm, Anyone else? I think answering this question will let us see the true nature of one's soul. *You are able to tell 2% of a percent by what champion they pick on LoL*, 3% on what TV shows they watch, and 10% if you know which forums they visit. However only through RPG class archetypes can one understand 100% of somebody's soul.


What if I don't play LoL?  Does that mean 2% of my soul is empty

I don't know which RPG class I prefer... I'd rather not be the healer though.


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## Sina (Oct 27, 2010)

Vanguard said:


>


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## HighClassSavage (Nov 29, 2012)

Vanguard said:


> What the actual fuck?
> 
> And my deepest darkness (are you actually serious with this shit?) is that I hold back on saying what my impressions are of people because telling them is a waste of time in most cases. But since you asked so nicely...
> 
> ...


The way I put that was perhaps a bit exaggerated but no, that, as well as everything else I said, were things I actually did. It's good that these things make you cringe though. That means you have a conscience. Personally, hardly anything makes me cringe anymore because I've become so desensitized that other people's pain and suffering serves as little more than things to witness or ponder. It's as much a curse as it is a blessing though. On the one hand, hardly anything gets under my skin and I'm capable of doing things that other people could not, but on the other, it makes it difficult for me to connect with other people and not disregard their pain, because I don't understand it. I may laugh and call it a strength, but secretly, I view it as a gimp that I keep in the basement, hidden from other's sight. Sometimes I want to give the gimp some love, but it's ugly and deformed, and I can't allow it to leave the basement, at least not for long.


Sixty Nein said:


> Gentlemans Bastards true darkside was very fucked up. It's beautiful.
> 
> Most of the darker pits of my soul is just really creepy, with lots of sexual issues. So yeah.


 I can't help but laugh at this, only because I'm surprised that someone can call that shit beautiful. I guess I'll take that as a good thing though aha. How @KindOfBlue06 described his dark side is actually very similar to how I often view my own. It is truly satisfying to know that I'm capable of harming people if I ever so desired to, even if it is fucked up. Actually, @KindOfBlue06, I related to a lot of shit you said, I've fallen to nihilism and drugs before in the past, though not quite as extreme as you did. Still, I appreciate you sharing all of that, as well as everyone else in this thread who's shared theirs, it's actually quite comforting to know that other people have some very fucked up parts of themselves. I would rather embrace those aspects of other people rather than shun them, as the rest of society would.


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## Vanguard (Dec 22, 2009)

Gentleman Bastard said:


> The way I put that was perhaps a bit exaggerated but no, that, as well as everything else I said, were things I actually did. It's good that these things make you cringe though. That means you have a conscience. Personally, hardly anything makes me cringe anymore because I've become so desensitized that other people's pain and suffering serves as little more than things to witness or ponder. It's as much a curse as it is a blessing though. On the one hand, hardly anything gets under my skin and I'm capable of doing things that other people could not, but on the other, it makes it difficult for me to connect with other people and not disregard their pain, because I don't understand it. I may laugh and call it a strength, but secretly, I view it as a gimp that I keep in the basement, hidden from other's sight. Sometimes I want to give the gimp some love, but it's ugly and deformed, and I can't allow it to leave the basement, at least not for long. I can't help but laugh at this, only because I'm surprised that someone can call that shit beautiful. I guess I'll take that as a good thing though aha. How @_KindOfBlue06_ described his dark side is actually very similar to how I often view my own. It is truly satisfying to know that I'm capable of harming people if I ever so desired to, even if it is fucked up. Actually, @_KindOfBlue06_, I related to a lot of shit you said, I've fallen to nihilism and drugs before in the past, though not quite as extreme as you did. Still, I appreciate you sharing all of that, as well as everyone else in this thread who's shared theirs, it's actually quite comforting to know that other people have some very fucked up parts of themselves. I would rather embrace those aspects of other people rather than shun them, as the rest of society would.


I appreciate you handling this maturely. Thank you.

EDIT: Sixty-Nein - you got a list? I tend to associate with the Fighter/Warrior class - simple and effective; use swords, axes stuff like that and thowmp on things. Barbarian/Berserker is also cool - and if you've ever played Fire Emblem, the Mercenary-Hero line was my favourite there. I've dabbled in stealth and magic style classes but always return to my classic choices.


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## Sina (Oct 27, 2010)

Sixty Nein said:


> I think the true darkness of my soul is to either join this bandwagon or not.
> 
> What RPG class is you Vanguard, Cosmic Orgasm, Anyone else? I think answering this question will let us see the true nature of one's soul. You are able to tell 2% of a percent by what champion they pick on LoL, 3% on what TV shows they watch, and 10% if you know which forums they visit. However only through RPG class archetypes can one understand 100% of somebody's soul.


Mention me next time, so I know I am being addressed.  I'd have missed out on the joys of RPG archetypes or whatever the hell they are. Let me look that shit up. XD I'll get back to you. 

Okay, based on what little I saw, I am probably a rogue-warrior mix or somethin'. Do you have a list of which classifications you are looking at? If so, we'll take it to VM or you can start a new thread. I am not going to derail this one.


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