# Best way to break up with an TJ?



## de l'eau salée (Nov 10, 2008)

I know this may sound silly, but I'd like to know the best way to "break up" with a TJ, specifically an EXTJ, without saying the wrong thing. 

We are almost complete opposites, and what I would normally say might spark an unwanted emotion. 

TJ's, or anyone with experience in this, now is your turn to step in


----------



## T-Guy (Nov 4, 2008)

Just give the person good reasons why the relationship isn't worth it anymore.


----------



## Happy (Oct 10, 2008)

I think you should just do it face to face and to the point. I don't think you need to manipulate the words or be as sensitive.


----------



## T-Guy (Nov 4, 2008)

I, myself as an ESTJ, hate when people don't tell me the truth. We are reasonable people so don't try to "sugar coat" your words or come up with an excuse.


----------



## DayLightSun (Oct 30, 2008)

Just tell them the truth. I can so tell when its BS. Then it really hurts. So tell them the truth. And also tell that person that you wish it could of worked out, but then the reason.


----------



## Happy (Oct 10, 2008)

I agree with T-Guy. Don't sugarcoat your words, it only makes it worst.


----------



## snail (Oct 13, 2008)

They tend to like directness.


----------



## de l'eau salée (Nov 10, 2008)

I guess that makes sense, I'll make sure to say it how it is.
Sometimes I like it that way too, although I may not at that moment. It takes the curiosity off of my shoulders.
Thanks everyone for your advice


----------



## NephilimAzrael (Oct 26, 2008)

Four words describe the best method:

*Straight to the point*


----------



## DayLightSun (Oct 30, 2008)

NephilimAzrael said:


> Four words describe the best method:
> 
> *Straight to the point*


To sharp and clean can hurt too because it feels like one is truly a pest that needs to go.
That cannot be true because why would one date them on the 1st place.
There has to be some middle ground.


----------



## NephilimAzrael (Oct 26, 2008)

daylightsun said:


> To sharp and clean can hurt too because it feels like one is truly a pest that needs to go.
> That cannot be true because why would one date them on the 1st place.
> There has to be some middle ground.


Sharp and clean is more directly honest. Ambiguity leaves a bad taste in one's mouth that can arise again in place of a clear, definitive reasoning.


----------



## DayLightSun (Oct 30, 2008)

NephilimAzrael said:


> Sharp and clean is more directly honest. Ambiguity leaves a bad taste in one's mouth that can arise again in place of a clear, definitive reasoning.


I never said to be ambiguous. What I mean is to let them know that their a good person. Or let them know what is good about them. When you break up with them because it doesn't matter how clear you are about the break up you always feel like something is wrong with you. 
And it might be just that your not compatible. 
Thats where I'm coming from.


----------



## NephilimAzrael (Oct 26, 2008)

daylightsun said:


> I never said to be ambiguous. What I mean is to let them know that their a good person. Or let them know what is good about them. When you break up with them because it doesn't matter how clear you are about the break up you always feel like something is wrong with you.
> And it might be just that your not compatible.
> Thats where I'm coming from.


Clarify please.. What I am noting is straight to the point in which one states what it is that they themselves have established as the division. Perhaps state what led them to admire their SO and initiated their interest, kept them together and what was they did to assist the present decision. Otherwise one is appealing to inconclusive, "its not you, it is me..." statements.


----------



## DayLightSun (Oct 30, 2008)

NephilimAzrael said:


> Clarify please.. What I am noting is straight to the point in which one states what it is that they themselves have established as the division. Perhaps state what led them to admire their SO and initiated their interest, kept them together and what was they did to assist the present decision. Otherwise one is appealing to inconclusive, "its not you, it is me..." statements.


I just went though about 5 scenarios and yeah they were all it's not you, it's me...
Dammit...
It's just when the INTJ broke up with me it felt like I was a pest...
I guess he was clear but it still stung.
I guess theres no way around it.


----------



## DayLightSun (Oct 30, 2008)

NephilimAzrael said:


> Clarify please.. What I am noting is straight to the point in which one states what it is that they themselves have established as the division. Perhaps state what led them to admire their SO and initiated their interest, kept them together and what was they did to assist the present decision. Otherwise one is appealing to inconclusive, "its not you, it is me..." statements.


I just went though about 5 scenarios and yeah they were all it's not you, it's me...
Dammit...
It's just when the INTJ broke up with me it felt like I was a pest...
I guess he was clear, but it still stung.
I guess theres no way around it.


----------



## DayLightSun (Oct 30, 2008)

NephilimAzrael said:


> Clarify please.. What I am noting is straight to the point in which one states what it is that they themselves have established as the division. Perhaps state what led them to admire their SO and initiated their interest, kept them together and what was they did to assist the present decision. Otherwise one is appealing to inconclusive, "its not you, it is me..." statements.


I just went though about 5 scenarios and yeah they were all it's not you, it's me...
Dammit...
It's just when the INTJ broke up with me it felt like I was a pest...
I guess he was clear, but it still stung.
I guess theres no way around it.


----------



## DayLightSun (Oct 30, 2008)

NephilimAzrael said:


> Clarify please.. What I am noting is straight to the point in which one states what it is that they themselves have established as the division. Perhaps state what led them to admire their SO and initiated their interest, kept them together and what was they did to assist the present decision. Otherwise one is appealing to inconclusive, "its not you, it is me..." statements.


I just went though about 5 scenarios and yeah they were all it's not you, it's me...
Dammit...
It's just when the INTJ broke up with me it felt like I was a pest...
I guess he was clear, but it still stung.
I guess theres no way around it.


----------



## dritalin (Nov 6, 2008)

Take the linguistic approach. Empirical studies have found that honesty in human communication is, essentially, not entirely possible (for reasons I wont take the time to explain here, but if you'd like I will). The direct approach may not be the right approach.

The key is to learn the other persons communication style. Too direct may seem just like daylight sun is describing it, but not direct enough may seem dishonest like Nephi is describing it. Try to figure out what it is that you want, what you want to communicate, and how to convey that message to the other person in a way that they will understand it (in a way that _THEY_ will understand it). Pay attention to what the underlying messages may be. Don't drag it out needlessly, you may have to use tact, but procrastination is not tact.


----------



## dritalin (Nov 6, 2008)

Take the linguistic approach. Empirical studies have found that honesty in human communication is, essentially, not entirely possible (for reasons I wont take the time to explain here, but if you'd like I will). The direct approach may not be the right approach.

The key is to learn the other persons communication style. Too direct may seem just like daylight sun is describing it, but not direct enough may seem dishonest like Nephi is describing it. Try to figure out what it is that you want, what you want to communicate, and how to convey that message to the other person in a way that they will understand it (in a way that _THEY_ will understand it). Pay attention to what the underlying messages may be. Don't drag it out needlessly, you may have to use tact, but procrastination is not tact.


----------



## Happy (Oct 10, 2008)

Sorry for the glitch earlier guys.


----------



## εmptε (Nov 20, 2008)

Be honest and direct. Also give them a reason, one of my last girlfriends broke up with me just randomly and I believe I ruined her life; Not because I wanted her back but, because she didn't give me a reason as to why she broke up with me.


----------



## banned user (Nov 5, 2008)

Simple. Be honest and direct and explain that this is the most reasonable choice you can make. Don't lie or beat around the bush otherwise you'll tick them off. Also, make it clear that it's over. Don't give them a reason to try and salvage things when it will just be an annoyance for everyone in the long run. Forget sparing their feelings as they are not the kinds to be inclined to spare your own.


----------



## Dr. Metallic (Nov 15, 2008)

Be direct.
Be honest.
Be kind.


----------



## livanay (Nov 17, 2008)

Speak to TJ in the language he/she understands lest barriers to communicating a message or thought are taking an effect. Hence, if you be direct, honest, tough-minded yet friendly - the TJ won't mind mucho.


----------



## Oluwadan (Aug 21, 2011)

Yes as a TJ I appreciate straight forward and to the point communication


----------



## dagnytaggart (Jun 6, 2010)

I've been with mostly TJs of some sort. I say the same thing: "Let's part ways."

I've still gotten extreme protest and resistance, but I always promise to email them further explanation. And I do it. If I was simply bored of them, and they ask why I'm leaving them, I'll tell them.

I get a lot of hurt reaction from that, but I think everyone is better off in the long run for it.

EDIT: holy smokes. Who necro'd the shit out of this thread? It's over 3 years old.


----------

