# 20 years old and no legit g/f, what is the deal



## vanWinchester (May 29, 2009)

DrManhattan said:


> I like a woman's perspective. Having guys say they are in a similar boat is cool, but hearing solutions and some perception from a girl is really valuable at this point.


Glad whenever I can help out with some opinion. =3



DrManhattan said:


> My biggest issue here...even more than a relationship..is I can't find any girls who are interested in me..it sucks in all honesty.


Well, I don't know you too much (yet) but fine, let's make a test here. What do you like to do? Spare time and whatnot? 
I'd be glad to help you out with some input if it is needed. However, let me tell you that maybe you also just "live in the wrong area". It happens. Me, I was unable to find anybody here, not even friends. The people were just too different from me. In a bad way. you won't get along with everybody on the world. It's normal. However, if you want you can share of your interests so I (and other girls) could say if there is really something wrong with you and if you are really as "boring" as you claim to be. I highly doubt it though. 



DrManhattan said:


> I am really independent so I can definitely get on with my life and still have a great time...there is a just a void..something missing that i can't describe


I relate. Have been there some time ago myself. A relationship is like "the cherry on top". It makes this big ice cream called life just even more delicious. Hehe. 
So, may I ask if you are shy or have an "insecure" aura? People pick on on those things, which could be another explanation. 

Let us know. I am sure we can come up with some fix for this. I'd surely be interested to help you out with some opinions. =3


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## DrManhattan (Oct 16, 2009)

vanWinchester said:


> Glad whenever I can help out with some opinion. =3
> 
> 
> Well, I don't know you too much (yet) but fine, let's make a test here. What do you like to do? Spare time and whatnot?
> ...


I'd love to participate. It will make this more interesting and applicable.

I'll start by saying what I did when I was in "search mode" I have been quite idle lately(as far as the partying part goes) because I am trying to figure what is going on here...but I have spent my free time usually like this:


-extracurricular activities, really involved in my major
-academically focused
-party with friends, drink occasionally..2-4 time a month usually(havent lately, getting old and mundane, I want to meet new people but there is no valid, accessible venue)
-love working out/lifting
-love cooking with friends
-love working in a group atmosphere
-love expressing my ideas/analysis on the world with intellectuals 
-(my weak point here, this is the INTJ in me..although I am not fully IN..) I love researching, its where my thoughts runs wild and i get to feed my mind..whether it is online, reading, etc


And as far as being quiet and insecure in my aura...that may be...people who know me I am sure, know that I am extremely confident and outgoing with friends... I try not to be insecure in my aura..I'm just being me...I don't know how to be anything else...I was a quiet kid..not really branching out until middle school(i was probably 90%+ Introverted) I have worked hard over the years to grow into a more outgoing person..it has payed off and I am now an even split between Introvert/extrovert...I don't know where to go from here though..and I don't know if it is my aura that is off-putting...

I like to be careful about my aura...I am very selective about who I hang out with...I don't go out of my way to meet people because it makes me feel awkward. I need a connection to base my approach off of. I can't jump out there, it brings me out of my element and I feel like the situation is useless...small talk is hard for me...I have been working on that...but don't get me wrong, I am a great talker. When I get going...I can talk someone's ear off. I love to chat with people. I also love public speaking. I just think that a lot of people don't know me well enough to appreciate it.

I feel like I can't get a girl right now because I don't have anything obvious that they would want. I look at the athletes and they have their status and clicks, frats have houses and free access to drugs/booze, etc...I don't have anything but me and my personality...I feel like I need to break out of the college atmosphere before girls will notice me...but i can't be sure of it...


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## vanWinchester (May 29, 2009)

Ah, thanks for that. Now this is something we can work with. =) 

Okay so from how you describe yourself, I started to wonder if chicks are just "afraid" to get to know you. I will be honest here, you seem like a "perfect guy" and when one gives off that impression, people tend to get suspicious and / or afraid (been there, done that. On both sides). 

Now I am curious. What about your friends, do they have mates? And also, did you ever ask them what they think is "wrong" with you or do you just get the usual "You are awesome" friend-stuff? 

Oh, and how extremely do you work out? Unfortunately people who love to do sports have gotten quite the bad reputation because of some stupid cheapasses. So that might be another reason. People eventually think that you are "obsessed" with it. That's why I ask. 

Well, your aura sounds fine at least. Haven't seen pictures of you or anything, but from how you describe it, that seems to be good. =3

So, when a person approaches you, how do you usually react? A person you didn't know before. Some girl, to be specific. 

Mhm, small-talk can be a bitch. Me, I dislike it often because it gets boring after a while (after exactly 2 seconds). "How are you?, What are you up to?, What are your hobbies?, How is school?" bla bla. Reeeeally interesting. <_<
Then again, I know that you kinda have to do this "out there", seeing people don't wear tags that say "My hobbies are x, y, z" like on a forum or so. So you kinda have to go with that unfortunately. Unless you join some groups where you have people with same interests. Then you can pretty much talk about one of your passions. And you will shine like a Diamond because somebody talking about one of his passions can be really attractive and sexy. Do you have any offers like that near you somewhere? IDK, clubs or so with specific topics? Something you are interested in. Meet-Ups. =3

Oh or you could also always practice small-talk on the internet. I did that. Was a good training. 



> I also love public speaking. I just think that a lot of people don't know me well enough to appreciate it.


Yeah, welcome to my world. Just throwing that out there. *grin*



> I feel like I can't get a girl right now because I don't have anything obvious that they would want. I look at the athletes and they have their status and clicks, frats have houses and free access to drugs/booze, etc...I don't have anything but me and my personality...


Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Okay. Uhm, if the girls in your town really are all about surficial jacksquat and status-symbols; drugs and whatnot, you definitely live in the wrong area and it is not your fault that you can't find a decent chick. 
Being in a relationship should be about the personality, and not about how much money one has; what car or whatever. That's not love, that's called objectophiliac. Or "case for a mental" maybe. =P 
Seriously. If a chick only likes you for what you possess, you shouldn't even bother. Because on the long run (yeah, just bear with me a moment here, even if I am a P), this means she will only stay with you as long as you have said possession. And I don't think this is what you look for. Or would you want a chick who just is with you because you have a - I don't know - fancy house? 
Your personality is all you need for this whole gig. A chick should like you because you are fun, intelligent, nice, chatty etc etc; and not because of things. 
So believe me when I say there is nothing wrong with you on that level. 
However, if you find you have some weaknesses (some personality trait that YOU dislike about yourself), then feel free to fix it. For you. Not for anybody else. Because the happier you are with yourself, the more you will shine. People will notice. It will give you a really attractive charme. 

So however, I'd be interested to hear about the other stuff. Obviously it has to be one of those things; and not because of your traits or any status-symbols. :wink:


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## OrangeAppled (Jun 26, 2009)

20 is very young. I didn't even go on a date until I was 19, and I was about 22 and out of college before I even considered dating someone seriously. The women you might connect with more intellectually, honestly, may simply not be looking to date that young. Especially in college, I was engrossed in art and design, and romantic love was furthest from my mind than at any point in my life.

I firmly that feel that most people are not done maturing emotionally until their mid 20s or so. The late teens to early 20s are like emotional puberty or something, haha. You suddenly take more interest in the preferred sex intellectually and emotionally, just as in physical puberty you suddenly took an interest in them physically. You start to tentatively explore those areas, however, that doesn't mean you are fully ready to deal with a deeply emotional/intellectual romantic relationship. People change an awful lot in their early 20s, but after about 25, they are pretty cemented in their values and ways (of course, individuals vary). That's why romantic relationships formed before the mid to late 20s rarely last.

Example: when I was 18, I just wanted someone cute and fun. Really, I was that simple-minded. My preferences became increasingly less shallow as I got older, and now at 25, I look back at myself when entering college and see how I was not ready to date. On the top of my list now are things more related to the intellectual/emotional/moral realms.


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## DrManhattan (Oct 16, 2009)

Ok, so my friends...

I only have 3-4 close friends and I am extremely tight-knit with my family(mom+brother). None of my friends have legitimate g/fs and I haven't met someone who possesses a romantic relationship that I envy, who is around 20 yrs old. 

I have pretty high standards as far as looks go(i'm not trying to be shallow, i just am stuck this way...I have tried being flexible but once we get in bed, if I cant be really attracted to her...i cant get into it, its not natural) So in this case I am attracted to the girls that all the guys want. This sucks because the girls around here want status. They want to feel cool. They want to go out and live the party life with the big shots...I just don't have any taste for that stuff. These girls want the guys with cars, money, larger-than-life attitudes...I can't offer that...these are the guys who have the nice looking girls...I can't find nice looking girls who are likeminded to myself. I have no venue to attract them..nothing to distinguish myself from the pack...thats why these athletes, frat boys get all the attention.

It has me wondering is there an equilibrium somewhere. Someone like me? I mean, I am not Brad Pitt...but I am a good looking guy(LOL cliche) but in all seriousness people compliment me all the time and I consider it a strength of mine, not a weakness.

And no I am not some psychotic gym goer. I go to the gym 3-4 times a week and lift weights to stay cut and try to improve my physique. I look normal and I like to keep myself in state where I can look myself in the mirror and feel fit. That's all I work for.


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## vanWinchester (May 29, 2009)

Haha, you know, you kinda answered your own question there. Let me point it out. 



> None of my friends have legitimate g/fs





> They want to feel cool. They want to go out and live the party life with the big shots


There we go. I told you it was not about you as a person. You probably just live in a bad area, as I said. 
So, how much longer are you stuck there? Is there any cities or towns around you could go to in your spare time that have less...weird chicks? =3



> And no I am not some psychotic gym goer. I go to the gym 3-4 times a week and lift weights to stay cut and try to improve my physique.


Yep, sounds good. Sounds okay. =3



DrManhattan said:


> I have no venue to attract them..nothing to distinguish myself from the pack...thats why these athletes, frat boys get all the attention.


So what, you'd be okay with a girl only being with you because you have a cool car or so, is that it? A person who loves not you, but your possessions? As in...for real? o.o

Oh yes, another question: Do you want your girlfriend to be a "real life" thing or would you consider dating over a longer distance (which would increase finding somebody here or on another forum or place) for some time? I mean, how flexible are you there? 



> It has me wondering is there an equilibrium somewhere. Someone like me?


This is gonna sound cliché but: yes there is. Everybody has matching s/o. Even if it sometimes takes a while to find them (and sometimes also half a world-trip =P).


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## intheclouds (Oct 13, 2009)

Well, let's see if I can add anything to this. I have a lot of similar interests... cooking, going to the gym, all good things.
It's good to see that you have focus in your academics as well as extracurriculars.... women love focus, it's a psychologically attractive trait for men to have.
True, confidence is important as well, but as a possible INTJ, be wary of coming across as over-confident or cocky.
Be very clear about the expectations of yourself and your possible mate. No need to tell a girl on the first date what you expect of a future wife, but drop clues about what you expect for a person you are dating.
This needs to be complemented by your actions -which need to say "in return, I plan on fulfilling the role in your life as a male figure."
Pulling out chairs and opening doors (even if you aren't on a date yet) sends the message that you're willing to do that.
Never repeat, never lie- a man's word has to be a reflection of himself.
Always follow through. First date? Drop a hint ahead of time that you only expect to get a kiss or hold a hand; stick to simple expectations and when they're met, make sure you show how much you appreciate it and her company.

Hopefully, I brought up a couple tricks to practice on. It is difficult to meet the right woman. It helps to have a method of dating that allows you to get to know them and sets you up for the relationship.
This will become clear to you someday- there's no point in going too far too soon with a girl you haven't known for some time because the chances are good that it won't work out. Even if it does work out, a relationship that started on a hasty one night stand is doomed to fail.
Earn a girl's respect, whether you plan on continuing to date her or not.


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## OrangeAppled (Jun 26, 2009)

DrManhattan said:


> I have pretty high standards as far as looks go(i'm not trying to be shallow, i just am stuck this way...I have tried being flexible but once we get in bed, if I cant be really attracted to her...i cant get into it, its not natural) So in this case I am attracted to the girls that all the guys want. This sucks because the girls around here want status. They want to feel cool. They want to go out and live the party life with the big shots...I just don't have any taste for that stuff. These girls want the guys with cars, money, larger-than-life attitudes...I can't offer that...these are the guys who have the nice looking girls...I can't find nice looking girls who are likeminded to myself. I have no venue to attract them..nothing to distinguish myself from the pack...thats why these athletes, frat boys get all the attention.


But really, you want status also. I find that almost unfailingly true of people who are always attracted to the ones everyone else wants. It's a symbol of your values, one being status. I'm not trying to be critical, but just pointing out that you are not dating people for the same reason you feel they are not dating you: lack of status. So you can either gain status, or you can dissect your values and alter them. There are plenty of downright beautiful women who are not how you describe. You're either not looking hard enough, or not noticing them because they don't have that "status".

Edit: And this is kind of what I was talking about with the age, emotional maturity and forming values speech


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## DrManhattan (Oct 16, 2009)

vanWinchester said:


> Haha, you know, you kinda answered your own question there. Let me point it out.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



A few things to clear up. No I do not desire to be that guy who has a chick clung to him for his stuff and status, that is not where my values are.

Also, I have considered the fact that it might just be my location. I am stuck in school for another year or so then I can relocate hopefully for grad-school. 

I need my girl to be a real life thing. I consider myself a strong stable person. As you said before, the relationship is like "the topping" on your life. I need someone to share my ups and downs with. Enjoy my triumphs and keep me company when I'm a little off. I don't NEED a girl...I am 20 years old though and I look at this as "the one thing" missing from my life. I want it so badly...and that's not a horny/sexy I want it badly...its on a friendship level. Companionship.

My whole purpose for asking about this...was to figure out if it was me or my environment. I have never talked to anyone about this. I can feel this void every once in a while though, mostly because it has never really been filled. And since I feel my life is in such order and on the path I desire..I look at not having a g/f there and wonder why can't I fill that one single spot. I can't describe in any other way, it is the ultimate thing that I miss in my life.

Also, the lack of interest has me extremely uneasy. I walk down the street and see a hot girl...I think damn shes hot and will give her a glance(not weird, even tempered, maybe not even eye contact) and I don't get squat. Hot girls don't even look at me.


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## DrManhattan (Oct 16, 2009)

OrangeAppled said:


> But really, you want status also. I find that almost unfailingly true of people who are always attracted to the ones everyone else wants. It's a symbol of your values, one being status. I'm not trying to be critical, but just pointing out that you are not dating people for the same reason you feel they are not dating you: lack of status. So you can either gain status, or you can dissect your values and alter them. There are plenty of downright beautiful women who are not how you describe. You're either not looking hard enough, or not noticing them because they don't have that "status".
> 
> Edit: And this is kind of what I was talking about with the age, emotional maturity and forming values speech




True. I must say though, I disregard status in lieu of a good combination of looks/intelligence. Status can't give either of those traits.


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## vanWinchester (May 29, 2009)

I am glad you are have your heart and mind in the right place. Because I can't imagine an average person would be happy with somebody he knows is only with him because of a possession. So yeah, it's good you got everything where it should be. :wink: 



> I want it so badly...and that's not a horny/sexy I want it badly...its on a friendship level. Companionship.


I relate. The cherry on top again. =3



> My whole purpose for asking about this...was to figure out if it was me or my environment.


Well, I't obviously not you. So one thing less to worry about :wink: 

So, another year. Hm. I'd suggest you could use this last year to train some weak spots you might have (small talk etc; whatever you feel like is important) and then use your new-earned skills when you get out of wherever you live. Because I guess if you want some real love, you are really simply misplaced in there. So finish your school, train your people-skills and try in a new place. I am really sure you will get it to work. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you personally. I'm serious. Normal chicks would kill for a guy like you. So go and use your resttime and then go get some love. *grin*


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## OrangeAppled (Jun 26, 2009)

DrManhattan said:


> True. I must say though, I disregard status in lieu of a good combination of looks/intelligence. Status can't give either of those traits.


Looks may be status in this case. Maybe I'm assuming too much, but I'd guess a big part of your physical attraction to these women, on some level, is related to the fact that many other men find them desirable.


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## DrManhattan (Oct 16, 2009)

vanWinchester said:


> I am glad you are have your heart and mind in the right place. Because I can't imagine an average person would be happy with somebody he knows is only with him because of a possession. So yeah, it's good you got everything where it should be. :wink:
> 
> 
> I relate. The cherry on top again. =3
> ...



It was really great to get this off my chest...I'll just keep doing what I am doing and see where things go. I'll have to just stick it out until I can relocate. By no means am I not having fun...as I said so many times...it was just a void I couldn't describe or fill...and that was a unique feeling for me. 

Patience is the key i guess..although I've always felt that if you want something in life..you should go grab it.

I think we can lay this topic to rest, I appreciate the input more than you could know...I am not sure who I would have had this discussion with...


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## DrManhattan (Oct 16, 2009)

OrangeAppled said:


> Looks may be status in this case. Maybe I'm assuming too much, but I'd guess a big part of your physical attraction to these women, on some level, is related to the fact that many other men find them desirable.


Yea, I will need to be careful with that. I hope it is not true of me.


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## vanWinchester (May 29, 2009)

DrManhattan said:


> By no means am I not having fun...as I said so many times...it was just a void I couldn't describe or fill...and that was a unique feeling for me.


Don't worry, I understood. :wink:



DrManhattan said:


> Patience is the key i guess..although I've always felt that if you want something in life..you should go grab it.


Yep, you should. Being a pitbull and keeping to go is what helped me too. However, your city / town seems a bit hopeless, honestly. That's why I suggested to at least work on some "last flaws before the big game". *grin*



DrManhattan said:


> I think we can lay this topic to rest, I appreciate the input more than you could know...I am not sure who I would have had this discussion with...


You're welcome. Glad I could help you out. If you need anything else, you know where to find me. :tongue:


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## justjessie (Oct 7, 2009)

Maybe you're going after the wrong type. what type of girl do you go for?


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## DrManhattan (Oct 16, 2009)

I'm pretty picky I guess, but I think everyone should be. I am usually interested in pretty, intelligent girls who don't get shitfaced on the regular and don't sleep around. I also look for them to be physically fit...that's about all i consider.


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## ginz (Sep 30, 2009)

DrManhattan said:


> I'm pretty picky I guess, but I think everyone should be. I am usually interested in pretty, intelligent girls who don't get shitfaced on the regular and don't sleep around. I also look for them to be physically fit...that's about all i consider.


congrats, they be a truely rare catch. all i ask for is the first 3 on your list, and im already having problems.


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## justjessie (Oct 7, 2009)

DrManhattan said:


> I'm pretty picky I guess, but I think everyone should be. I am usually interested in pretty, intelligent girls who don't get shitfaced on the regular and don't sleep around. I also look for them to be physically fit...that's about all i consider.


Good for you  i'm not very suprised that it's been difficult for you find what you're looking for at college though. Remember though, things usually aren't what they seem. as an infp, we can be judgemental at times, when looking at a girl you want to talk to try to be as unjudgemental as possible. DON"T BE TOO PICKY. Because if you do that, you'll discriminate within the first 5 minutes of seing her whther she "right for you" and write her off. Just talk to her, and keep in mind as you approach her, that this is just a conversation, not the beginning of a beautiful long lasting relationship. Putting that kind of pressure on the situation will freak and AND her out. Slow and steady wins the race. And i say don't be picky when deciding whether or not to approach a girl, because 1. its just talking, no commitment, theres no need to be picky and 2. to have to best chances of meeting someone you actually like, you have to talk to many different people. all about improving your chances. 
At, this point in time, you don't have to be mr. sensitive, or try to appear like you'd be perfect for her. Just be yourself, and show genuine interst in her. Listen to what she says, she'll notice. And if you're really not all that interested, then you can end the conversation politely and pleasantly when seems appriopriate. ANYWHO if you do this enough (approaching girls i mean) you'll find someone you "click" with. you'll just feel it. i'm guessing you don't approach alot of girls, and write the ones around off fairly quickly? just guessing here...
it's all about not overcomplicating things.


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## Ikari T (Nov 1, 2008)

This is going to sound a little weird, but DrManhattan, your descriptions of yourself on the posts sound a lot like me. Probably about 90% of it. The whole workout, intellectual girls, being picky, and all that shebang.


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