# Borderline personality disorder, jealousy, and rejection sensitivity



## knittigan (Sep 2, 2011)

I imagine that being rejected always hurts, but when someone I'm close to rejects me, it feels like I'm being stabbed in the chest. Understandable, sure, but the problem is that even the slightest, most illogical things hurt me, like if a friend texts someone else in my company, even though I understand that this is something that happens and it's even something I'm occasionally guilty of myself. 

My relationships tend to be extremely intense and I learned growing up that the best way to avoid burning someone out (which has happened and is excruciating), is to spread my attentions between multiple people. But, hypocritically, I cannot handle it if someone else does the same. I generally don't say anything because I recognise how irrational my feelings can be, but it is physically agonising for me to be in that situation. If I'm close to someone, I have this really unhealthy need to be The Most Important Person in Their Entire Life.

I'm interested in this particularly with regard to BPD, but I'd love to hear from anyone else who has experienced anything similar, and especially anyone who has managed to cope with this.


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## xlr8r (Aug 14, 2013)

knittigan said:


> If I'm close to someone, I have this really unhealthy need to be The Most Important Person in Their Entire Life.


What is "close" for you? Being good friends is not enough to desire to be the only one.

If close means more, this is perfectly normal.


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## g_w (Apr 16, 2013)

knittigan said:


> I imagine that being rejected always hurts, but when someone I'm close to rejects me, it feels like I'm being stabbed in the chest. Understandable, sure, but the problem is that even the slightest, most illogical things hurt me, like if a friend texts someone else in my company, even though I understand that this is something that happens and it's even something I'm occasionally guilty of myself.
> 
> My relationships tend to be extremely intense and I learned growing up that the best way to avoid burning someone out (which has happened and is excruciating), is to spread my attentions between multiple people. But, hypocritically, I cannot handle it if someone else does the same. I generally don't say anything because I recognise how irrational my feelings can be, but it is physically agonising for me to be in that situation. If I'm close to someone, I have this really unhealthy need to be The Most Important Person in Their Entire Life.
> 
> I'm interested in this particularly with regard to BPD, but I'd love to hear from anyone else who has experienced anything similar, and especially anyone who has managed to cope with this.


Whoa, you confused the poor dog there! ("Woof.")
Does BPD mean borderline personality, or bipolar? 
The best technique to use, is to do the "fly on the wall" approach. This takes several steps.
1) Imagine that you are NOT in the room, and that the person is texting someone else.
Do you still take it personally?
2) Now, imagine that another person is in the room instead of you, and the person doing the texting is now
texting someone else, instead of the OTHER gal in the room.
Do you still have the sucking chest wound that the texter is cruelly ignoring that other gal?
3) Now think of times -- or watch, you're sure to find real life examples -- where two other people are talking, 
and one of them interrupts or turns away to make a call, answer an email, talk to a third person, etc.
Notice that nobody in the group seems to have to file a butthurt report form (texting edition) about this:
even though, sometimes, it CAN be done carelessly, thoughtlessly, or even as a *form* of insult...it still isn't
*required* to be.
We can conclude, then, that texting someone does not always get sent as a slap to the face, nor is it taken as
a cause of deadly enmity. Other people just don't *MEAN* it like that: and if they don't mean it, then it takes
the edge off the emotional pain: more like getting the wind knocked out of you than a stab in the chest.
Does that help?


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## spoo93 (Aug 22, 2013)

knittigan said:


> If I'm close to someone, I have this really unhealthy need to be The Most Important Person in Their Entire Life.


Sounds familiar, I can get jealous for no reason. I also sometimes feel like people don't care about me as much as I do about them.

Here's a part of something a stranger replied to me, I said the same thing to him about feeling unwanted or disrespected when people don't pay attention to me:
"if you're trying to befriend someone who doesn't feel (how they feel about it is really more important than how many friends they actually have) lacking in the social department of their life, you're going to naturally have a hard time trying to fit your life into theirs and make things work out in a way where you both feel fulfilled from the experience."

I don't get why I didn't think of that, that people actually have different needs and that there are many depths to relationships, some are really shallow when others are extremely deep and personal.

Real life example of me hanging out with my best friend and his cousin.
We were just hanging out, went to a grill for a late night snack. Suddenly my best friend gets a phone call, I instantly get nervous for no reason. He's talking to another friend. I go to the toilet to wash my hands and face.
When I get back and we leave the grill, he mentions he's going to join his other friends at some night club and asks if I want to join him and his cousin. I just reply "no thanks, go ahead and have fun with your friends".
The moment I said that I feel a chill and I saw in his eyes how he was shocked about that. I try to fix it by saying "I mean your other friends, I don't know what got into me". He just says "I thought that's what you meant to say, are you ok? Sure you don't want to join us?"
I just decided to walk home alone and let him go, I was too upset by my subconscious slipping that out so I just had to be alone for a while and think.

Regarding having BPD, I've never been to a doctor/psychologist/psychiatrist about my mental problems, getting 39 points in this test though Borderline Personality Test - Psych Central

Sorry for the wall of text


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## g_w (Apr 16, 2013)

spoo93 said:


> Sounds familiar, I can get jealous for no reason. I also sometimes feel like people don't care about me as much as I do about them.
> 
> Here's a part of something a stranger replied to me, I said the same thing to him about feeling unwanted or disrespected when people don't pay attention to me:
> "if you're trying to befriend someone who doesn't feel (how they feel about it is really more important than how many friends they actually have) lacking in the social department of their life, you're going to naturally have a hard time trying to fit your life into theirs and make things work out in a way where you both feel fulfilled from the experience."
> ...



Ouch, what a Freudian slip.
And then the awful thought that his offer to have you join him was insincere and ONLY triggered
by your inadvertent disclosure.
The ONLY efficient cure for these types of habitual thought, is to point and laugh at them.
Guess what -- other people get rejected for real, and they live through it.
So it must not *have* to be the end of the world...
Best wishes.


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## koalaroo (Nov 25, 2011)

Lots of DBT and CBT help. A lot of mental illnesses and personality disorders come with distorted thoughts and unhealthy defense mechanisms. DBT and CBT help you to unravel them and remold how you process your interactions with others.


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## FlightsOfFancy (Dec 30, 2012)

knittigan said:


> I imagine that being rejected always hurts, but when someone I'm close to rejects me, it feels like I'm being stabbed in the chest. Understandable, sure, but the problem is that even the slightest, most illogical things hurt me, like if a friend texts someone else in my company, even though I understand that this is something that happens and it's even something I'm occasionally guilty of myself.
> 
> My relationships tend to be extremely intense and I learned growing up that the best way to avoid burning someone out (which has happened and is excruciating), is to spread my attentions between multiple people. But, hypocritically, I cannot handle it if someone else does the same. I generally don't say anything because I recognise how irrational my feelings can be, but it is physically agonising for me to be in that situation. If I'm close to someone, I have this really unhealthy need to be The Most Important Person in Their Entire Life.
> 
> I'm interested in this particularly with regard to BPD, but I'd love to hear from anyone else who has experienced anything similar, and especially anyone who has managed to cope with this.


You could just be overly sensitive and neurotic. I have BPD, and to me, it was very obvious things were not right. It was more than interpersonal and rejection-avoiding. In fact, I don't even have the rejection-fearing that much. That wasn't one of my traits (you need 5/9 for the diagnosis).


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## xlr8r (Aug 14, 2013)

g_w said:


> The best technique to use, is to do the "fly on the wall" approach. This takes several steps.
> 1) Imagine that you are NOT in the room, and that the person is texting someone else.
> Do you still take it personally?
> 2) Now, imagine that another person is in the room instead of you, and the person doing the texting is now
> ...


OMG, really do flies think all these things?

I will never watch the little bastards anymore with the same eyes.


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## conscius (Apr 20, 2010)

knittigan said:


> If I'm close to someone, I have this really unhealthy need to be The Most Important Person in Their Entire Life.


Putting bpd stuff aside for a sec, I think when you're in love, that feeling is quite common. For both parties. You eat and breathe each other, as if there is nothing, nobody outside this relationship. But I think that strong strong feeling that exists must go down a bit as relationship develops. Then you get to know each other as real people, as someone with past and future, with old boyfriends or girlfriends, with a life outside your relationship, etc. 

Some people of course always stay in that very intense passionate stage. But that's like driving at full speed every day, so jealousy is beyond control, so is everything. You can't maintain that though and it's exhausting. You need to allow the relationship to develop. Some people might even be "addicted" to that intensity just described, moving from relationship to relationship seeking it. But then you will feel insecure. You need security in a relationship that grows and develops. Then passion can still be there, but within confines of that security. That means accepting you are not the most important person in your loved one's life but that it does not mean you're not important or loved. Communication can go a long way here, telling the person how you feel and what you need to hear from them, and what you need them to do so you feel loved and cared for.


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## rockthered101 (Jan 3, 2011)

I have BPD and it also bothers me when I'm with a friend and they're constantly texting or checking their phones. 
It makes me feel as if I am not entertaining enough or that they're just not interested in what I'm saying/doing.
"*If I'm close to someone, I have this really unhealthy need to be The Most Important Person in Their Entire Life."*
this sums it up quite well actually.


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## Dark NiTe (Mar 5, 2012)

As far as the anxiety from having others text etc. in your presence that is not a BPD thing. I've had lots of people literally look at my phone when it is obvious J sont want anybody to see what I am doing. They just feel as if they are not worth your time and attention, is all. 

WRT the thread title, and BPD, they encapsulated a recent trip to Hell; being in love with somebody with BPD. Whenever I failed to read her mind in the period of time she desired, if it was even attainable, she lashed out with a rage I have never seen before. I believe she actually gave me PTSD, my only crime, being that I asked her out after she perceived rejection, aka asking a friend "why I'm not talking to her" every single second of our work day together. And every single time she felt rejected, the ensuing psychological abuse was the only way in which I knew there was ever an opportunity to do so in the first place. It culminated in me calling her up one night after work, and her telling me "my boyfriend jumped off a bridge. I wasn't even sad, I was mad at him." So I told her that she is batshit crazy and that my plans in life do not include her in any capacity.


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## Sai (Sep 3, 2012)

must be very hard for you. I have an Aunt that suffers from it, and its a very complicated issue.


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## Thief Noctis (Jan 6, 2012)

I 100% agree with the whole of what you said, aside from _possibly_ the BPD; I'm not sure on that.
I know it's unhealthy and irrational but I just can't help it. Honestly, I'm not coping with it. I'm more trying to justify it, or just saying 'y'know what, it's how I am, I'm just gonna have to somehow deal with it and hope others can too'.


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## tiredsighs (Aug 31, 2011)

i wish i didn't relate this as much as i do... 

a few books you might want to check out:

1. Lost in the Mirror
2. I Hate You - Don't Leave Me
3. Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Workbook

The first two books are more aboutBPD and how to deal with someone who does. The workbook is more for personal use and is very helpful. 

The only thing I can really think to suggest is to see a doctor. I tried Lexapro and it honestly didn't do anything for me. I'm now on Klonopin and it seems to be working okay so far. Sounds like you might need something for anxiety. do you worry a lot? are you always thinking of the worst case scenario? and do those worrying thoughts continue spiraling downwards, out of your control? those are all things I experience, and I also experience what you posted, but I haven't been diagnosed with BPD, though I wouldn't be surprised if i had it. The only thing I've been diagnosed with it anxiety. and it sounds like you have a lot of anxiety.

see if you can talk to your doctor (you really don't need a psychiatrist to get SSRI/SNRI/benzos for a mental health issue... you can visit your GP and they'll just ask you a few questions and write you the prescription. 

good luck. feel free to PM me if you have any questions.


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