# Retired Female Introvert-- Retired Extrovert Husband Driving Me Nuts!



## car_keys (Sep 6, 2010)

Have been retired well over 2 years, and retired almost 1 year before spouse retired. (I love him. He loves me. I am lucky he is alive at our age).
Pretty sure I'm an INFJ. Am most likely Enneagram 9 w/ 1 wing or 1 w/ 9 wing.

Husband is wonderful, does a lot. But then...Husband thinks out loud verbally. Antsy, usually always has projects going. Likes to have things done, problems solved yesterday. Likes to make verbal observations of my activities, likes to give advice. He's in my face. He likes to go on shopping runs almost every day. I am freaking going out of my mind.

It does not help that we have had multiple hassles with outside stuff over the past months--like downsizing to one vehicle, the whole annoying shopping ordeal for a compromise vehicle; switching TV satellite providers for cheaper package ( with 3rd party business screwing up aspects of the transfer and causing major headaches); health insurance rate hikes; diagnostic tests for health concerns--all have increased both of our anxiety levels.

I feel guilty on one level, but can I honestly say, "I'd just like him out of the house and out of my face". I'm tired of his obsessing. I'm tired of the TV on when I want quiet. I'm tired of feeling observed. I'm tired of feeling hounded. I'm tired of feeling I have to drop what I'm doing, because he will be asking me about whether I called so and so, did I email the satellite TV company, etc. 

I threw a pen across my desk at the wall today, when he came upstairs, to my computer room, after I had finally gotten away from him. He wanted to water the plant that is in my computer room. I told him I was just feeling tired and cranky. I do not want to hurt him or drive him away, but I desperately need some alone time. He was out this morning, but that has happened less than 5 times since he retired. It was heaven to have a cup of coffee, sit in the quiet, and meditate near the Christmas tree.

Before retirement, we were a team. Opposites, but complementary. I know I can go out, and go window shopping, if nothing else. It goes against my grain, however, because I am happy just staying at home, with the computer, books, and crafts. He does bring balance, because I am opposite of him, but sometimes I just want to scream. It cannot be good for my blood pressure. 

Am I whiny and spoiled? Well, I worked full time almost 30 years as main breadwinner, so I think I paid my dues. And I went against my type during those years, because I had to be in a social, demanding, difficult work environment. I thank Goodness almost every day that I do not have to go to that environment ever again.

Please advise. Thanks in advance.


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## Inky (Dec 2, 2008)

Hello car_keys, it sounds like you're going through an adjustment period.

Have you thought about talking to him about needing some alone time? Maybe you two can work something out instead of letting emotions escalate.

P.S. I think this post would have been better placed in Advice Center.


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## agreenbough (Aug 11, 2010)

This sounds a bit like the scenario I see played out with my in-laws, except that my MIL is an extrovert. But since my FIL retired, he seems to think she's not capable of doing things she's done for years. He's constantly seasoning food she's already seasoned and adjusting the temperature of the oven - he's like a little kid who just can't keep his hands to himself.

It's something I fear, because, like you, I'm an introvert with an extrovert husband, and one of the things we constantly stuggle with is my need to be alone. Like you, I feel I've spent enough time faking being an extrovert, and I want to spend my time at home in a way that feels more natural and relaxing. I can totally relate to the feeling of being observed - and I feel sure it has a lot to do with my need for blood pressure medication. 

I'm sorry I don't have any advice. I hope someone will have some tips to help save our sanity!


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## Michael (Jul 18, 2010)

Car_keys
This conflict between what the introvert needs and what the extravert needs happens quite often when the two all of a sudden have to spend a lot more time together.

What's happening is that the extravert needs a lot more external stimulation than the introvert. I.e. Leaving the tv on, noise, people, events etc. Since the extravert is no longer getting the external stimulation he was used to getting at the office, he is now trying to get it at home, from you.

This need for external stimulation is permanently hard wired into the brain. Medical research has shown that introverts brains have a lot more blood flow, and electrical activity and are already highly stimulated, internally. Extraverts have less of this internal brain activity and thus they crave activity in the external world.

Introverts exist in a nearly overstimulated state, most of the time, and thus crave more quiet settings with more private time. 

I can send u the medical references if u want.

So why did I tell u all that?

To show that the extraverts need for more external activity, and the introverts need for more quiet time and private time, are not easily changed. You can't ask an extravert to be quiet for any length of time, unless they are sleeping or engrossed in a movie or some other source of external stimulation.

Conversely, you can't ask an introvert to talk a lot more.

Explaining all this to an extravert won't get him to change, but it will help him understand your needs better and it may help keep his feelings from being hurt, when u lock yourself in the computer room and put a do not disturb sign on the door.

So what are some practical solutions?

Get the extravert out of the house 2-3 days a week, to satisfy his own need for external stimulation. Golf is a great one because it takes several hours, clubs, organizations, and volunteer work.

The reason I know about this is from my own life. When I started to work from home, my wife's need for noise, conversation etc drove me nuts. As an extravert she would do her thinking out loud. Or she would come into the home office we share and start rattling papers and things.

I also bought a pair of noise blocking head phones. I also keep my iPod with classical music and Bose noise canceling head phones near. The industrial noise blocking headphones are not electronic - they just use foam to block the noise.

I have some recently retired neighbors who are going throuh this right now. The intravert is always complaining to me that the extravert won't shut up. The extravert has no idea what the problem is, 
because he has always been this way. 

So the only lasting solution is for the extravert to go golfing 3 days per week.


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## curious0610 (Jun 27, 2010)

Could you encourage HIM to explore out of the home, join some kind of health club, or take classes at the YMCA or become involved with the community in some way?


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## Ryan (Sep 6, 2010)

I know i'm not attributing much, but you guys need hobbies - both of you... if you get a hobby he'll want to be involved, if he gets a hobby he'll want you involved... dont approach this like "You need to gtfo out of my hair so get a hobby" - approach it more along the lines of: we're both retired, both at home for many hours a day, how about we go out and do something fun - you're a guy, you should try and find a fun guy-related hobby (like golf), ill get a knitting class (idk? just sayin) and that way we can still enjoy our lives... we were such an amazing complimenting couple all these years, I don't want to ruin that just becaues we've spent the past 40 years engaged in our own activities to now be stuck togeter and not know what to do... bla bla, you get the drift.


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## Digger Blue (Dec 1, 2010)

Ms. Keys,
I am in the exact same boat as I just retired (ESFP) on my INFJ wife. I love to go out for coffee with people, I get together on occasions to do a hobby with my friends. When I'm here and my wife is reading her book, I know I have to give her some space. It took me a long time to come to that conclusion. Ironically, I can't stand noise, and she can't stand clutter (i.e., the newspaper laying around in parts on the floor of the living room). I will suggest that you talk about it (communication is critical, and most of the time my introverted wife thinks I understand what she is thinking when I have no clue). I would encourage you to come up with times on a schedule when you will be needing your quiet time and put it on a calendar for him (new ones are in stock now). Don't get carried away with that, but set up a block of time every day for your quiet time, and establish that as holy.
I just got called. I might have more later, don't know yet. I'll mull it over. It is critically important that he find people to connect with who will talk with him. 
Regards,
Digger Blue


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