# ENFP girl seeking help with her ISTJ and ESTJ father and mother



## chaos (May 24, 2012)

Hello all 

Well, I had a long list of chores and work to do today but instead I've been reading up on these three personality types instead in hopes of helping to repair my atrocious relationship with my parents, as I deemed that more important...oh how very enfp of me!

I've been on the rocks with mom (estj and according to my therapist, very likely a narcissist) and dad (istj with anger management issues who was physically abusive into my teens and is much better behaved now but is still verbally abusive in some situations) since...well pretty much since I started growing up in my teen years and becoming an adult. I realize after my day of reading that I went about it totally the wrong way as a teen...confrontation fought with confrontation. My dad is also extremely religeous (christian)...I was raised to be so, but once I started questioning things around 17, that all fell apart and is now one of our biggest issues. I realize it may seem a bit fucked up that I want to have a relationship with them given the above, but they are my parents and I want to give it one last shot before I completely give up on them.

I think the biggest problem is that we both (particularly my dad and I) have very strong, opinionated values, and they are on complete opposite ends of the spectrum. He is a textbook istj, conservative, religeous, values tradition and "family values" whereas I am basically a liberal hippie art student....yeah. In addition, he values his values because of "tradition", whereas I value mine because I came to them on my own through years of thought and exploration of the world. They are my own, I created them, it's like I baked a homemade cake and he bought his at the bakery.

My mother, does not listen to me at all, and treats me like crap. When I came home for a visit in february she made me sleep in the basement for no reason, when I still had a perfectly good bedroom upstairs, and when I told her she was being unreasonable, she just turned the television up to the maximum volume and ignored me. She doesn't treat me like an adult. She still opens my mail if it comes to their house (I'm away at university), and every single thing I do, from getting a manicure to buying a textbook she says I "can't afford" like she has some magical way to see into my bank account. 

They even lecture me on coming home for a visit. Sometimes I think they hate me because I'm so different. I have a feeling my personality might be a direct result of their suppressive authoritarian parenting style, could this be true?


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## Word Dispenser (May 18, 2012)

chaos said:


> Hello all
> 
> Well, I had a long list of chores and work to do today but instead I've been reading up on these three personality types instead in hopes of helping to repair my atrocious relationship with my parents, as I deemed that more important...oh how very enfp of me!
> 
> ...


Sometimes, you just can't get along with people. If you try compromise, and offering solutions, and nothing works, and your overall interpretation of it is that it's hurting you, and that it's not helping you progress as a person, then maybe you should just keep them at a safe distance.

Of course you care about them, and you always will, but sometimes people just don't change their minds, and they won't even _try _to figure out and resolve problems, because they are so stubborn and set in their ways.

It took me a long time to figure out that I had this problem, and that certain people in my life were trying to emotionally manipulate me, and control me in every way they could. I didn't even realize it before I went to _another country_, and was able to see myself on my own, and away from that particular environment, that it _wasn't normal_. It _wasn't healthy_. And it sounds like you've got a similar thing going on here.

It's hard, but sometimes you have to do what's right for your own personal growth. And sanity.


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## Inveniet (Aug 21, 2009)

Rampant Introverted Sensors with Extroverted thinking can be hard to deal with.
My grandma is ISTJ and my grand father is ESTJ.

The only way to deal with your mother is leverage.
She knows she has economic leverage on you and will happily use it.
It might seem cruel, but she lives from a pragmatic frame.

You could ask both your mother and father what they want to accomlish.
To know what motivates then in regards to you could at least put things in context.

Your fathers insistence on tradition for traditions sake is a hard one.
He will never understand your point of view probably, because his frame is so narrow.
You could tell him about how Jesus accepted everyone even the "lowest" of people and his rejection of your ways
isn't much in line with his teachings. If you can give him verses from the bible he will have to accept it.
However he will probably counter with his own verses.

My main advice is to limit your time with them, try to get them at their best and leave when they are on their worst.

I know it might be hard for you to concider this, but find out in what ways you are dependent on them and
make sure to remove that dependency.

If your mother opens mail, make sure that mail is never sent to you parents house again.
If your mother wants you to sleep in the basement when you visit, have alternative lodgings nearby.
When they don't hold any sway over you they can't boss you around anymore.


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## thosewhodanced (May 30, 2013)

chaos said:


> Hello all
> 
> Well, I had a long list of chores and work to do today but instead I've been reading up on these three personality types instead in hopes of helping to repair my atrocious relationship with my parents, as I deemed that more important...oh how very enfp of me!
> 
> ...


OMG I can relate to this so much! I'm sorry, I don't have too much by way of advice as I am currently still going through this. I'm 21 and in my final year of university. Thinking of moving out for good for the rest of the year, just to have some peace of mind - but like you, I don't want to leave without first repairing my relationship with my parents.

Did you ever end up sorting this out? I hope you did. <3


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