# INFJ Christians and dating



## eleuthera (Jan 20, 2014)

Was curious if there are any INFJ christians that have found dating and relationships difficult to get into because the attractions don't match your value system?


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## Nihom (Aug 13, 2014)

eleuthera said:


> Was curious if there are any INFJ christians that have found dating and relationships difficult to get into because the attractions don't match your value system?


Christianity is pretty diverse nowadays to where you can't really recognize some of it, so the answers are probably going to be as diverse.

As a really conservative Christian myself I won't get into a relationship unless someone matches my beliefs. That's the #1 criteria, and it really limits the "playing field." I don't really look at woman as objects to pursue after anyways, so I don't consider the playing field too much. The girl could meet every single other criteria I have, but if the beliefs don't match I don't consider it. I believe the Bible teaches against Christians matching up with non-Christians in that regard.


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## Vivid Melody (Apr 25, 2011)

I had no desire to date a non Christian. I wanted us to be on the same page. I married someone who is.


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## Fievel (Jul 9, 2013)

Yes it can be difficult.


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## eleuthera (Jan 20, 2014)

Nihom said:


> Christianity is pretty diverse nowadays to where you can't really recognize some of it, so the answers are probably going to be as diverse.
> 
> As a really conservative Christian myself I won't get into a relationship unless someone matches my beliefs. That's the #1 criteria, and it really limits the "playing field." I don't really look at woman as objects to pursue after anyways, so I don't consider the playing field too much. The girl could meet every single other criteria I have, but if the beliefs don't match I don't consider it. I believe the Bible teaches against Christians matching up with non-Christians in that regard.


 Nihom, that's great. Its been that way with me for 22 years, but even after deciding that I wouldn't marry or date again something started some 8 months ago and has developed into dating this month I'm trying to find the words how to break things off, since there's so much I've liked about him, but having Christian books and friends, doesn't mean someones born again.



Vivid Melody said:


> I had no desire to date a non Christian. I wanted us to be on the same page. I married someone who is.


 Vivid Melody, that's awesome, that's the point I've been trying to get to these past 22 years and have never entered a relationship.



Fievel said:


> Yes it can be difficult.


 Fievel, thanks for your honesty.


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## sunflowersoul (May 26, 2014)

Admittedly I have high standards as it is, but above all else I want a relationship with a Christian, especially one in my denomination who is practicing. Otherwise I foresee conflicts of religious and moral beliefs as well as worldview. I want someone who not only respects these but who desires to live out the faith with me.


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## eleuthera (Jan 20, 2014)

sunflowersoul said:


> Admittedly I have high standards as it is, but above all else I want a relationship with a Christian, especially one in my denomination who is practicing. Otherwise I foresee conflicts of religious and moral beliefs as well as worldview. I want someone who not only respects these but who desires to live out the faith with me.


 Sunflower, my exact thought since I became a Christian and still my thoughts today. That's great that you continue that path. Its hard for me to understand how if one is devoted in faith and continuing in that path, an attraction can be for something else.


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## mysterie (Jul 16, 2014)

would you date a person who practices spirituality, or a religion other than christianity?

or is it only christianity? that seems kind of tunnel vision to me because I see all religions and spiritual paths as having the same end point

if you are involved in christian study/worship groups or things like that you could meet people that way, or some kind of youth group, or a christian group at university if you attend that.


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## sunflowersoul (May 26, 2014)

eleuthera said:


> Sunflower, my exact thought since I became a Christian and still my thoughts today. That's great that you continue that path. Its hard for me to understand how if one is devoted in faith and continuing in that path, an attraction can be for something else.


Yeah, I understand if one has found someone whom they're compatible with and crazy for, but that wouldn't work for me. I'd go on a date with a non Christian to give him a chance and to know where he stands, but I would not want a relationship unless he was sincerely pursuing conversion. Also, when I care about someone, it means I care about their soul, and it would be hard to be with someone closed off to religion. Plus I find it attractive when a man lives out his faith.


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## eleuthera (Jan 20, 2014)

mysterie said:


> would you date a person who practices spirituality, or a religion other than christianity?
> or is it only christianity? that seems kind of tunnel vision to me because I see all religions and spiritual paths as having the same end point...if you are involved in christian study/worship groups or things like that you could meet people that way, or some kind of youth group, or a christian group at university if you attend that.


 Mysterie, thanks for your questions. To answer, in 22 years of dating after I became a Christian, yes I have gone on dates with those not of the faith, other countries that the culture doesn't practice christianity, native american spirituality and such. Yet none of those has resulted in a relationship. Some of them friends, but not a boyfriend. 

Has my standards changed for marrying a man that is a Christian, no. Have my attractions changed, not so much, I still seem to be attracted to men that aren't of the same faith. In university I was involved with Campus Crusade for Christ, in the Army the Navigators, in Japan organizing retreats through a christian organization, and most of my life bible studies at church. Have I met Christian men I've been attracted to, yes, but nothing that really lasted. 



sunflowersoul said:


> Yeah, I understand if one has found someone whom they're compatible with and crazy for, but that wouldn't work for me. I'd go on a date with a non Christian to give him a chance and to know where he stands, but I would not want a relationship unless he was sincerely pursuing conversion. Also, when I care about someone, it means I care about their soul, and it would be hard to be with someone closed off to religion. Plus I find it attractive when a man lives out his faith.


 Sunflower, I agree, everyone has a story and its nice to know where they stand. Also if there's an opportunity to share your testimony you leave them with something even better. I'm glad the Lord has blessed you with attraction to men that walk their faith out, I only dream of the day that will happen in me.


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## sunflowersoul (May 26, 2014)

eleuthera said:


> Sunflower, I agree, everyone has a story and its nice to know where they stand. Also if there's an opportunity to share your testimony you leave them with something even better. I'm glad the Lord has blessed you with attraction to men that walk their faith out, I only dream of the day that will happen in me.


That's a good way of looking at it! And in your case, I wouldn't worry about becoming attracted only to Christians; if you meet someone who you find attractive who happens to be Christian, it's possible that part of the attraction will be his faith. As my friend says, "holiness attracts holiness."


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## Dr.Op (Aug 17, 2014)

Using the term "Christian" seems to be very nondescript, considering that it isn't some single monolithic entity united in belief or history. Either way, I'm a somewhat strong atheist dating someone who calls themselves "Christian"; shared values on right and wrong are more important than distant skyfathers, in my experience.


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## Fievel (Jul 9, 2013)

Yes there's different versions and interpretations of Christianity. Glad we could get that obvious point out of the way.


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## Coburn (Sep 3, 2010)

eleuthera said:


> Was curious if there are any INFJ christians that have found dating and relationships difficult to get into because the attractions don't match your value system?


Not INFJ, but thought I'd just chime in and say this happens a lot to me (although for me, it's more for political reasons than religious ones). You're not alone.


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## eleuthera (Jan 20, 2014)

Dumaresq said:


> Not INFJ, but thought I'd just chime in and say this happens a lot to me (although for me, it's more for political reasons than religious ones). You're not alone.


 Thanks Dumaresq, appreciate it. Very interesting, never heard of it concerning political. I doubt my politics could drive someone aways, since I'm neither republican or democrat. Unless they had a strong view against voting outside the mainline.


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## Coburn (Sep 3, 2010)

eleuthera said:


> Thanks Dumaresq, appreciate it. Very interesting, never heard of it concerning political. I doubt my politics could drive someone aways, since I'm neither republican or democrat. Unless they had a strong view against voting outside the mainline.


Well I think for a lot of people, politics is tied into moral outlook. So a lack of political compatability can (not always) reflect a lack of moral compatability.


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## eleuthera (Jan 20, 2014)

Dumaresq said:


> Well I think for a lot of people, politics is tied into moral outlook. So a lack of political compatability can (not always) reflect a lack of moral compatability.


 Very true.


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## Miguel G (Aug 19, 2012)

I imagine one of the greatest attractions that my future wife would have for me would be my faith and my beliefs. I've only ever dated one other girl and she was a christian so I can't really speak about the dynamic of a relationship between a believer and non believer. I DO have strong beliefs and good evidence and logic to support what I believe in, but I'm not one of those people who believe that they should only associate with other Christians. If Jesus is the person that I'm supposed to emulate, then I should be loving and accepting of all types of people..I think it was the LOVE that He showed that attracted others to Him.


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## eleuthera (Jan 20, 2014)

Miguel G said:


> ......I think it was the LOVE that He showed that attracted others to Him.


 and that would be my hope is that the real attraction in me would be onto Christ Jesus, the author and perfector of our Faith.


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## Vandrer (Jun 26, 2014)

I seriously do wonder whether this is mostly an american thing? Since religion apparently matters so much in daily life, as to actually be a subject of contention. In northern Europe people do not really care for the other persons religion, unless they are very staunch believers, it is mostly kept private. So it is quite easy to have people of differing religions in the same relationship.

But where it relates to this, is whether it is a specifically NF/INFJ thing to care much about it, or whether it is an american thing?


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## alterego (Jul 11, 2014)

While I can refer to myself as a Christian, unfortunately, I can't simply reply with a yes or no. When I talk to Catholics, I can't help but notice that most of them perceive God as if it was a person. With such an attitude it's then easy to relate God and Jesus in terms like "father" and "son", while this relation is obviously not like the relation between biological father or even a man who raised a child and his son. I don't perceive God as an almighty being high above us in the spiritual realm. I can metaphorically relate to God as my father and thus I am a son, in the same way Jesus was a son of God and every single human being is a child of God as we all come from God as it was before we existed as souls. Notice that in the Bible Jesus not a single once called himself God or even the son of God, but rather kept calling himself "the Son of Man". Certainly we could argue and interpret various bits of the Bible as confirming that Jesus was God/the Son of God etc., but what is a matter of faith for a Catholic, for me is simply putting words together in a vague way so that they may not mean much explicitly and have to be interpreted like a poem is interpreted and many interpretations may exist. That's an example of dangerously unnecessary complexity of Catholicism, which gives the leaders a way to misguide ("the tradition" part of the religion, which may be anything that the leaders established). Among other reasons I could never be a Catholic because giving my right to decide what is right and what is wrong to someone else doesn't agree with my nature. I can imagine that may be a problem for many INFPs.

I personally perceive good religion as rather subtle, something you go by in your life that doesn't limit your thinking in any way and allows you to consider anything you want any way you want. I've got nothing against any religion as long as it serves its purpose and doesn't hurt anyone. Having been raised among Catholics, I sadly noticed that a lot of Catholics can fervently believe but remember about God only as long as they don't have to remember about people who disagree with them in some way. Of course that doesn't only apply to some Catholics. And the subtleness I earlier mentioned comes down to being able to apply your religion without affecting others with it.

I haven't had any problems with women so far resolving around religion, but I can imagine it may change some time after I meet someone I will want to settle with. On the other hand I most probably wouldn't be able to be with someone who would find my religion views more important than me as a person, so I guess it's not going to be a problem at all. The problem may be finding someone who simply lives her life and religion views are secondary if not tertiary or quaternary.



> I talked to another INFJ and got the sense he may be non-sexual (I forget the term - but when there is romantic attraction to the opposite gender, but not really sexual desire for anyone, or just very low desire & it's dependent on emotional connection). This is a big thing I run into with very Christian men (who usually are abstinent outside of marriage) - there's something so asexual about them that it's hard to find them, well, sexy. I want physical passion and intimate emotional/mental connection as much as compatible values, or rather, that IS a value. I suppose I put it higher on the list than other details which seem finicky, because I'm able to respect someone without agreeing on everything. However, when I do come across someone who does meet the basic values, they seem to be finicky about those details, and so I am ruled out, but I'm not willing to convert to another belief system (even if also filed under "Christian"), as I'm not asking that of anyone else either.
> 
> EDIT: I'm noticing a small trend in INFPs who've posted here being more tolerant of differences in doctrine and/or denomination.


What I've noticed is that often the world is unfortunately not as tolerant of our tolerance, which is a really weird phenomenon.:wink: I've just come here and I chose to post first in the thread involving religion, I hope this wasn't a mistake.


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## OrangeAppled (Jun 26, 2009)

To the question asked:

I believe that Jesus is God's son, but not God. That right there is a dividing point with me and other Christians. I don't believe in a Trinitarian God, and this ticks a lot of people off (among many other so-called Christian dogma I don't accept). I believe there is one God, the source of all life, and that he created everything in existence, including Jesus. The Bible says God has an abundance of dynamic energy, which he uses to keep the universe in order, and that is why all things come from God - everything is energy. However, God chooses to NOT represent himself as abstract energy, and for good reason (He is not simply energy, and that understanding is way more problematic than viewing him as a personality). The Bible distinguishes God FROM his active force (the holy spirit/ghost) precisely because of this. 

The Bible says all things were created through Jesus, who is also sometimes called a "master worker", and it's also why he is called God's "only begotten son". So it seems Jesus was created to embody God's qualities in a person and to enact his will, and the difference between him & other creation is that he was directly created by God, whereas everything else came through Jesus. By using Jesus this way, we can fathom God; but He had to be represented in a form we can relate to. We exist within a framework created by God through Jesus, and so we cannot clearly comprehend things outside of this framework, so God relates himself to us through analogies and with forms that exist within this framework. So while God outside this framework is unfathomable to us, he is not totally unknowable or a complete mystery; and, he WANTS us to know him, not to simply be an abstract force. 

The father/son designations are also used to give us a relationship dynamic that we as humans can relate to - so Jesus is not God's son in the way we physically think of a son, although we are meant to see their relationship as affectionate and close, with one being in existence first and the authority.

So in short, Jesus, to me, is God's mouthpiece, his primary agent of action, but he is creation still, and so he is not God. That is why he is called "the word", and why Jesus exists outside of his human form (ie. Jesus is not God in human form, but a personality which embodies God's qualities & will in both human and spiritual forms). While other prophets may have been mouthpieces also or used to enact God's will, they did not fully embody God's qualities the way Jesus does, and of course, no one else has Jesus' unique position of being directly created by God for this express purpose. 

I could ramble on for awhile...but I'll stop there.



alterego said:


> *On the other hand I most probably wouldn't be able to be with someone who would find my religion views more important than me as a person*, so I guess it's not going to be a problem at all. The problem may be finding someone who simply lives her life and religion views are secondary if not tertiary or quaternary.
> 
> What I've noticed is that often the world is unfortunately not as tolerant of our tolerance, which is a really weird phenomenon.:wink: I've just come here and I chose to post first in the thread involving religion, I hope this wasn't a mistake.



This sentence sums up a lot for me. Although, I do believe in spiritual truth and place this as a primary factor in my life (with direct ties to my religion and practices associated with it), I would never want to be evaluated as a person based on a professed stance.
I don't evaluate others that way, and that's exactly one of my frustrations in dating at times (add that along with certain "accomplishments" within a religious sphere, as if these always correlate to one's spirituality). 

How many people take certain stances on matters and fail to demonstrate it through their person qualities? The stance means far less than the person, who tends to _embody_ their actual spirituality, not just professing it. So the primary way I would identify someone as spiritually compatible to me is through their revealed qualities, not the set of beliefs they claim to hold. However, I am not so naive as to see NO connection between the two, and because of personal goals I have, I prefer someone with a similar focus in life. This often means we'd have very similar views, although they don't need to be exact; instead, I see others focusing on exact views and specific, formal practices and missing discrepancies between those & the actual person they are dealing with.


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