# How do I feel less anxious in a relationship?



## Ember (Feb 11, 2012)

I thought it couldn't hurt asking about this particularly when it comes to relationships. I just read @_Ace Face_'s article and it made me think about my thoughts. I need to stop analyzing. Stupid Ti.

I just took the Attachment Style (Attachment Style Quiz) and it rated me as "Preoccupied."

"*Insecure attachment
Anxious-preoccupied attachment

People who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment tend to agree with the following statements: "I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don't value me as much as I value them." People with this style of attachment seek high levels ofintimacy, approval, and responsiveness from their partners. They sometimes value intimacy to such an extent that they become overly dependent on their partners—a condition colloquially termed clinginess. Compared to securely attached people, people who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment tend to have less positive views about themselves. They often doubt their worth as a partner and blame themselves for their partners' lack of responsiveness. They also have less positive views about their partners because they do not trust in people's good intentions. People who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment may exhibit high levels of emotional expressiveness, worry, and impulsiveness in their relationships." - *http://personalitycafe.com/sex-relationships/6443-love-attachment-styles.html

Any ideas on how I could try feeling more secure? I hate the feeling of seeming 'clingy' and end up steering away from the whole thing. If it's of any importance, I am an INTP and she is an ENFP. I know Types shouldn't matter... but just in case.


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## Ember (Feb 11, 2012)

Also, if Mods/Admins feel this belongs to the Relationships sub-forum, do go ahead and move it.


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## Ace Face (Nov 13, 2011)

I honestly think the best thing you could do is value yourself. It's great to value others and form a few good, close relationships, but loving yourself and realizing your own value is absolutely vital. You don't need someone else to complete you, though I do know what it's like to feel that way. You deserve to get exactly what you want out of a relationship. In any relationship, communication is vital. Let your partner know what you need. If he/she can't fulfill those needs then perhaps that's not the right person for you. There are a few other things I failed to mention. I'm currently in the middle of a rather heated household debate. Feel free to private message me if you have any questions or just wanna talk


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## MsCheshire (May 9, 2012)

Skream said:


> I thought it couldn't hurt asking about this particularly when it comes to relationships. I just read @_Ace Face_'s article and it made me think about my thoughts. I need to stop analyzing. Stupid Ti.
> 
> I just took the Attachment Style (Attachment Style Quiz) and it rated me as "Preoccupied."
> 
> ...



First, let me say that was a great quiz, thanks for sharing it.
My results were: "Combining your anxiety and avoidance scores, you fall into the *dismissing* quadrant. Previous research on attachment styles indicates that dismissing people tend to prefer their own autonomy--oftentimes at the expense of their close relationships. Although dismissing people often have high self-confidence, they sometimes come across as hostile or competitive by others, and this often interferes with their close relationships."

I can relate to your anxiety, even though we come at it from different angles, as a fellow NT. Romantic relationships are very difficult for me. I hate superficial anything and would just prefer to wake up tomorrow in one, rather than go through all the nonsense it takes to get into one. Once I'm either contemplating a relationship or in one, I think and think and think and think and analyze and think and strategize and think and analyze and think. I look for patterns. Logical ones, that can explain what IT is that's happening. 

I know myself very well and can read other people fairly well. When feelings start creeping up, I can have the emotional IQ of a five year old. I'm not intimidated by ANYTHING, hand me the keys to a huge multi national corporation and I'll walk in like I own the place...when it comes to love though, and my sandbox, and my slide, and my ball and my pail...all of a sudden - I'm out of my element. I wasn't built for this, this, ugh, love _thing_. So, similar to liverwurst, or pumpernickle bread, or sauerkraut, in small doses I can be okay. I dare say, it's even tasty, on occasion. 

To conduct myself on a feeling level on an ongoing basis is just not my nature. I have to fight to get there, then I have to fight to stay there and no matter how badly I want it - that is exhausting. And not just exhausting, depressing too. A feeling/thinking/analytical loop starts in my head that just is awful. 

So I try to avoid a relationship. But I want a relationship. I really do. Logically, I can see how beneficial one would be for me. When I do best is when I can be autonomous within a relationship. We're together because we say so. Heavy emotional stuff isn't expected of me or pushed on me. The other person isn't demanding anything of me. We just are. That gives me time to process the bits that I can handle. 

Being in a relationship with another NT is wonderful. My relationships with SFs or NFs have never been good. I have worked on developing my feeling side, (even though it may not sound like it.) Yet, no matter how much work I do - I will never enjoy affection in the same way that Fs seem to need or demonstrate my love in a way that works for them. It seems fake to me, and if I feel fake doing something - it doesn't take me long to see the entire thing as a sham. With another NT, I've found that it seems more authentic? That might not be the right word. It feels better to me and we seem to understand each other without ever needing to even talk about it.


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## Ember (Feb 11, 2012)

Thanks for that, @Ace Face. I did tell her about it, actually. She told me that she doesn't feel comfortable with sharing her feelings or she wouldn't know how to express herself the way she has things thought out in her mind.

In fact, I'll send PM you an excerpt from an e-mail she sent me a while before we took things to a new level. The last part still holds true.


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## SwellD (Sep 19, 2012)

Immerse said:


> I thought it couldn't hurt asking about this particularly when it comes to relationships. I just read AceFace's article and it made me think about my thoughts.


I am new to the forum. I landed here whilst educating myself on attachment as I currently am newly aware of this body of work and having had the crushing disolution of a recent relationship bring me to my knees....again. As I am embarking on understanding what I feel is my preoccupied/anxious style I am still uncertain as to whether there are improvements that can turn this around for me. But I am positive that knowing more about it will at least help me in the long run.

Could you point me to which article of Ace Face_'s that you were referring to?_


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## 0 1 1 2 3 5 8 13 21 34 (Nov 22, 2009)

Combining your anxiety and avoidance scores, you fall into the *secure* quadrant. Previous research on attachment styles indicates that secure people tend to have relatively enduring and satisfying relationships. They are comfortable expressing their emotions, and tend not to suffer from depression and other psychological disorders.

Thanks for the test. As for your problems... if she not opening up is making you insecure, and she doesn't believe you can understand her, which may be her general attitude about people or may be specific to you, either way indicates you may not be good together. It is not easy for types with opposite Ti/Fe pair and Te/Fi pair to understand each other, so I expect such relationships to take more work. Anyway, Ace's advice is good; start with learning to appreciate yourself and gain some confidence (easier said that done, I know).


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## SublimeSerendipity (Dec 30, 2010)

Immerse said:


> I thought it couldn't hurt asking about this particularly when it comes to relationships. I just read @_Ace Face_'s article and it made me think about my thoughts. I need to stop analyzing. Stupid Ti.
> 
> I just took the Attachment Style (Attachment Style Quiz) and it rated me as "Preoccupied."
> 
> ...



When you took the test, did you take it from the POV of being in a relationship with your ENFP girl or just in general? Also, what is/was your childhood like? Did you grow up in an environment where your emotional needs weren't met?

I ask because I find that in general I am a very anxious person and I have attachment issues (I'm actually in therapy for these issues), most all of which stem from a dysfunctional family and not forming a secure attachment as a child to my mother (she was very conditional in her love, and I ended up with severe anxiety). So I have struggled with intimacy and trust and anxiety and all that stuff in the past, that actually kept me from establishing close intimate relationships in many cases. 

So....if I take the test in general I get:


> According to your questionnaire responses, *your attachment-related anxiety score is 4.6*0, on a scale ranging from 1 (low anxiety) to 7 (high anxiety). *Your attachment-related avoidance score is 3.00*, on a scale ranging from 1 (low avoidance) to 7 (high avoidance).
> 
> Combining your anxiety and avoidance scores, *you fall into the preoccupied quadrant*. Previous research on attachment styles indicates that preoccupied people tend to have highly conflictual relationships. Although they are comfortable expressing their emotions, preoccupied individuals often experience a lot of negative emotions, which can often interfere with their relationships.


However, I take the test from the POV of being in a relationship with my boyfriend and suddenly my scores change:



> According to your questionnaire responses, *your attachment-related anxiety score is 3.60*, on a scale ranging from 1 (low anxiety) to 7 (high anxiety). *Your attachment-related avoidance score is 2.10*, on a scale ranging from 1 (low avoidance) to 7 (high avoidance).
> 
> Combining your anxiety and avoidance scores, *you fall into the secure quadrant*. Previous research on attachment styles indicates that secure people tend to have relatively enduring and satisfying relationships. They are comfortable expressing their emotions, and tend not to suffer from depression and other psychological disorders.


So I guess my conclusion based on this data is that my relationship with my boyfriend, while not perfect, has helped me deal with my anxieties and attachment issues. This is essentially empirical evidence to back up what I've felt and what my therapist has noticed. 

Though I'm sure if I had taken this test earlier in our relationship I still would have scored in the preoccupied quadrant...it's only been over time as our relationship has solidified and grown, that I have moved to a more secure attachment with him. 

So my advice to you is if you are taking this test with your current ENFP gal in mind, perhaps it's the relationship that is not allowing you to feel secure, and if that's the case maybe you need to reevaluate. Also, if you have relationship issues related to attachment, therapy might be beneficial. I'm in a combination of psychodynamic and dialectical behavioral therapy.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

Immerse said:


> I thought it couldn't hurt asking about this particularly when it comes to relationships. I just read @_Ace Face_'s article and it made me think about my thoughts. I need to stop analyzing. Stupid Ti.
> 
> I just took the Attachment Style (Attachment Style Quiz) and it rated me as "Preoccupied."
> 
> ...


You can talk about it all you want, when it comes down to it, you have to put yourself out there and risk rejection.


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## princessJAY (May 25, 2011)

Immerse said:


> I thought it couldn't hurt asking about this particularly when it comes to relationships. I just read @_Ace Face_'s article and it made me think about my thoughts. I need to stop analyzing. Stupid Ti.
> 
> I just took the Attachment Style (Attachment Style Quiz) and it rated me as "Preoccupied."
> 
> ...


This book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love is a good practical hand-book and talks in more detail about how someone with Anxious attachment can find happiness and security. While it is a self-help book, it is not fluffy and contains some good information.

Current theories posit that insecure attachment stems from having a biological system that renders you hyper-aware and vigilant to any potential threat to your relationship. You may have a combination of history of abandonment plus genetic predisposition that leads you to have this style.

Research shows that someone with insecure attachment has the parts of their brain that monitor relationship threats in hyperactivity, while the parts that regulate emotions and self-soothing (i.e. ability to make yourself feel better) are under-active. In contrast, people with secure attachment simply doesn't think about relationship as much, and when they do feel badly, they are much better at self-soothing and recovering emotional equilibrium.

I recommend reading the book.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

princessJAY said:


> This book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love is a good practical hand-book and talks in more detail about how someone with Anxious attachment can find happiness and security. While it is a self-help book, it is not fluffy and contains some good information.
> 
> Current theories posit that insecure attachment stems from having a biological system that renders you hyper-aware and vigilant to any potential threat to your relationship. You may have a combination of history of abandonment plus genetic preposition that leads you to have this style.
> 
> ...


Good idea. I just read that recently. It was useful.


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## MrMagpie (Aug 22, 2012)

Unfortunately, very much like @McCheshire, I have a very *dismissive* attachment style, and that combined with my Storge idea of love means that it takes me _several years_ before I am completely comfortable hanging out with or confiding in someone as a friend. And when it comes to people who take an interest in me romantically? Hah! They immediately think that because we have a mutual interest in one another that I will want to cuddle and hold hands and spend hours and hours at a time with them ~*~staring into their eyes~*~ or whatever people my age apparently do together.

And yet, as @McCheshire said, logically speaking I can see how good a truly intimate relationship could be for me, and emotionally I have always enjoyed the idea of getting to know and grow old with another person - but I'm just not comfortable with all of the lovey-dovey, coy, overwrought emotional drama that comes along with it. At the end of the day, it means that most of my relationships last no longer than a month or two, and I am always the one that has to break things off as, invariably, whatever individual pursues me seems to think that I'll 'grow to like' a lot of physical and emotional affection. Perhaps I should apply for the Vice-Presidential position in the Forever Alone Club and save myself the trouble.


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