# Emotional Apathy (or something)



## asbreathingflows (Jul 19, 2009)

I've never posted in the advice forum before but now seems like an appropriate time...

A few days ago I witnessed an attempted suicide. After the shock subsided I felt re-energised (for lack of a better word) - I suddenly appreciated all that had been bestowed upon me, the fragility of existence felt empowering; this was the life that I had been given, I had to make the most of it.

Now all I feel is emptiness. The things I previously found pleasure in now seem hollow and mundane. I no longer feel joy when I play music, I'm no longer excited by the random ideas and aspirations that used to run around my mind; there is no sadness, no anguish - just a constant feeling of nothingness. All the things which I'm supposed to feel - denial, guilt, helplessness, whatever... I don't; it's not even as if I feel emotionally cold inside, just empty. It's like a state of mental disassociation - I feel detached from emotion. For the first time in my life I feel nothing.

The purpose of posting this (assuming I actually will)? I don't know... Maybe just to let it all out? Maybe someone out there has a similar experience they could share? I just don't know - right now doing this makes sense....


----------



## thehigher (Apr 20, 2009)

asbreathingflows said:


> I've never posted in the advice forum before but now seems like an appropriate time...
> 
> A few days ago I witnessed an attempted suicide. After the shock subsided I felt re-energised (for lack of a better word) - I suddenly appreciated all that had been bestowed upon me, the fragility of existence felt empowering; this was the life that I had been given, I had to make the most of it.
> 
> ...


Happens often to me and I assume to a lot of other NFs. It will soon subside.


----------



## TurranMC (Sep 15, 2009)

I think the realization that life could end at any moment, that there are people who are having much worse of a time in life than you are, makes me feel _more_ joy in life. When you stop and think about how blessed you are in life, and trust me if you're reading this post right now you're blessed, its hard not to be happy. Thats how I feel anyway.


----------



## asbreathingflows (Jul 19, 2009)

TurranMC said:


> I think the realization that life could end at any moment, that there are people who are having much worse of a time in life than you are, makes me feel _more_ joy in life. When you stop and think about how blessed you are in life, and trust me if you're reading this post right now you're blessed, its hard not to be happy. Thats how I feel anyway.


Read the post again - immediately after witnessing it I did feel 'blessed' (as you put it). Now I don't. Unfortunately I can't just 'restore' that feeling; right now there's little I have to identify with.


----------



## Tkae (Oct 15, 2009)

You just witnessed your own mortality.

It's natural to feel emptiness.

It's also natural to feel blessed.

What you're going through is natural -- it's like when you go on a mission trip (if you never have, I haven't either, but this is what people who go on them tell me).

When you go on a mission trip, you see people living in horrible conditions.

So you come back suddenly realizing how much things mean to you.

Then as time goes on you slip back into your normal, day-to-day for-grantedness of everyday technology.

And between the two is an awkward stage.

You're going through the exact same thing -- immediately afterwords, life suddenly had vast amounts of meaning. But as time goes on, that meaning wears off and you feel left empty without it -- even though you're feeling exactly what you were before.

It's just kind of like your leg falling asleep. It feels really cool when it's numb, but as it gets its feeling back it goes through that really tired stage that makes it annoying to move. But eventually you'll get it back to where it feels fine to move again :happy:

Sorry you had to witness it though -- hope the person was alright?


----------



## Selene (Aug 2, 2009)

asbreathingflows said:


> Read the post again - immediately after witnessing it I did feel 'blessed' (as you put it). Now I don't. Unfortunately I can't just 'restore' that feeling; right now there's little I have to identify with.


I have 2 possible interpretations, which just reflect how I might feel in your situation.

1. The event challenged how you normally view things and find meaning in everyday events.

"The world is a crazy place, when there's people like that who are in that kind of situation. I have no idea how to feel about life anymore. Just seeing that...I feel really off-balance. Like my entire way of viewing things has sort of been shifted, or thrown into question. And I have no clue what to hold onto, or what's worth pursuing. Seeing something like that just...totally alters my perspective. It's throwing all of my meanings into question."

2. You found a new perspective, but it wore off. "Crap...everything I was looking forward to is gone."

You were really moved and energized by what you saw. And you got really zealous about getting the most out of life, and about your existence being radically transformed. But, as happens with feelings, it wore off. You had high expectations, but the feeling didn't last (because things have a way of returning back to equilibrium). But...you were hoping to stay in that energized state! You were totally pumped about finding this new perspective, this new meaning to life. But now...it's all worn off, and you're back to normal...it didn't last after all. Your hopes were kind of dashed, and it's pretty disappointing.


----------



## banned user (Nov 5, 2008)

Could be just the emotional rush and once that passed you felt empty or you feel glad to be alive but then feel like something is missing, you are spending time on earth in a way that indicates taking the blessing of life for granted, or something. I don't need an attempted suicide for me to feel sad, angry, or frustrated with myself and for me to feel like I am wandering aimlessly, wasting precious time.

I am not trying to say that's the case, but it is a possibility to consider.


----------



## Lady K (Oct 13, 2009)

I feel like this a lot these days, and it's generally because I don't see the point to a lot of things in my life. My rough guess based on the situation you described is that you're going through stages of accepting what you saw. The first was elation that you're still alive. This stage seems to me like it might be you questioning life. When seeing someone die, especially seeing someone try to kill themselves, it's natural to wonder why they decided life wasn't worth it. Makes you wonder if _your_ life, if _any_ life is worth it. When you start thinking that life isn't worth anything, you stop feeling joy over the simple things, stop feeling anger over indiscretions, etc. My advice to you, if you want to get out of this stage, would be to address the issue consciously. Why or why isn't your life worth living? Based on the first stage you experienced, I'm sure you'll come up with a lot of reasons that you're happy. You just need to reassure yourself that it's okay to be alive, that there's meaning to it.​


----------



## PeacePassion (Jun 9, 2009)

I recognize the strange sort of duality you're talking about, I went through something similar with a friend. I don't know how to explain it either.... the sort of shutting down after the initial rush of omg-life-is-truly-precious. maybe it's some sort of defense mechanism, there can be a lot of pain in the caring when you witness something like that. i imagine it will pass for you. hope your friend is ok.


----------



## Tal (Oct 19, 2009)

PeacePassion said:


> I recognize the strange sort of duality you're talking about, I went through something similar with a friend. I don't know how to explain it either.... the sort of shutting down after the initial rush of omg-life-is-truly-precious. maybe it's some sort of defense mechanism, there can be a lot of pain in the caring when you witness something like that. i imagine it will pass for you. hope your friend is ok.


I totally agree with it being a defense mechanism. That's the way it is for me at any rate, and it can happen after any overwhelming experience. Usually during the actual experience I'm totally calm and the situation seems pretty surreal. I watched a bus blow up about 20 meters from me a few years back and everybody with me could hardly believe what they were seeing, it just didn't register right away.

After that came the emotional high, life was sweet and how blessed I was to be living it, all the regular crap that usually got me down didn't really mean anything. I was supposed to be on the bus, I actually stood in the doorway and debated getting on or not, but another pulled in behind it and I had a creepy feeling about the first one, so I got on the second. 

The high didn't really last very long though, just a few hours, once what had happened really sank in I got the shakes for a good 5 or 6 hours. Then I just shut down emotionally for about a month till I was able to heal and come out of it.

I've experienced the same thing after break ups. Sometimes you need not to feel to be able to return to yourself. It usually adds a few more layers of depth to who you are/become.


----------



## PeacePassion (Jun 9, 2009)

wow, i'm glad you didn't get on the bus. i think about that sort of stuff all the time, how the smallest decision could turn out to make or break us, but most often we'd never know. sometimes i'll get a creepy feeling about something and not do it, and wonder. but to truly see it like that, the what could have been dire consequences of a seemingly inconsequential everyday decision? wow.



Tal said:


> I totally agree with it being a defense mechanism. That's the way it is for me at any rate, and it can happen after any overwhelming experience.





Tal said:


> I've experienced the same thing after break ups. Sometimes you need not to feel to be able to return to yourself. It usually adds a few more layers of depth to who you are/become.


I totally agree, on both counts.


----------



## ks90 (Oct 13, 2009)

You had an epiphany, and I had a boner, --- so what?

Focus on improving your life and others, and don't let your emotions drive you, -- only gays and liberals do that. And politicians. And lawyers. And maybe a few other animals.


----------



## Lady K (Oct 13, 2009)

You forgot women. Any other stereotypes you want to throw in the heap?


----------



## asbreathingflows (Jul 19, 2009)

Thanks to everyone who posted. It's a bit of a headfuck to be honest - I'm feeling a bit better now but I think its probably going to take some time to feel 'normal' again.

And for everyone that asked - the person is in a coma (but stable). I didn't know him but according to the police he had failed the first year of University (resits are in early September, the results come out late September) - in terms of timing it seems like the most logical cause. In a weird way it's strangely comforting the more I know about him, if I can apply some degree of reason to what happened my brain seems more equipped to cope.


----------



## ks90 (Oct 13, 2009)

asbreathingflows said:


> Thanks to everyone who posted. It's a bit of a headfuck to be honest - I'm feeling a bit better now but I think its probably going to take some time to feel 'normal' again.
> 
> And for everyone that asked - the person is in a coma (but stable). I didn't know him but according to the police he had failed the first year of University (resits are in early September, the results come out late September) - in terms of timing it seems like the most logical cause. In a weird way it's strangely comforting the more I know about him, if I can apply some degree of reason to what happened my brain seems more equipped to cope.


Hah, what a pussy. The only real reason to kill yourself is when your life becomes meaningless and non-productive; it's not meant to otherwise be a way out. Then again, I've pretty much always seen things in an optimistic light and almost never one that prefers to look down rather than up, -- that kind of thought gets people nowhere and only makes matters worse. Seriously, think about it. Since when has stress, worry, fear and anxiety gotten people places? Hell, I don't care how many times I fail; I still have my goal in mind, and no matter what it takes, I'll get there.


----------



## asbreathingflows (Jul 19, 2009)

The difference is I actually care why - suicide isn't a simple matter of rationality thinking: the causes are complex. For better or worse I want to know what was going on in his head when he did it. As for your opinion that he's a 'pussy' for doing something like this well quite frankly - I don't give a fuck. You're entitled to your 'thoughts' but don't expect me to appreciate them.


----------



## Lady K (Oct 13, 2009)

asbreathingflows said:


> I didn't know him but according to the police he had failed the first year of University in terms of timing it seems like the most logical cause.



Having dealt with suicidal issues before in terms of myself and some people that I've been close to, I want you to know that something like this is usually an effect, not a cause. It isn't that he was failing university that caused him to want to quit suicide, it's something else that led to him failing school, which ultimately leads to an attempt on his own life. Even if failing school was on his mind and was the breaking straw, there are far more complex issues going on - people don't just decide to die when they fail. Something else is going on with him.

I'm glad to hear that he's alright, and also glad to hear that you're doing better.


----------



## asbreathingflows (Jul 19, 2009)

Lady K said:


> Having dealt with suicidal issues before in terms of myself and some people that I've been close to, I want you to know that something like this is usually an effect, not a cause. It isn't that he was failing university that caused him to want to quit suicide, it's something else that led to him failing school, which ultimately leads to an attempt on his own life. Even if failing school was on his mind and was the breaking straw, there are far more complex issues going on - people don't just decide to die when they fail. Something else is going on with him.
> 
> I'm glad to hear that he's alright, and also glad to hear that you're doing better.


Of course. It just seems that the timing would suggest that this was the trigger - I'm not suggesting that he tried to kill himself because he failed his exams but rather it was a sort of 'final straw'... I could be wrong of course but it's easier for me to cope psychologically if I can attach motives to the action.


----------



## Lady K (Oct 13, 2009)

Oh, I definitely agree that it was probably a final thing for him. There's always a breaking point, and a lot of times it's something that the whole world can see - like failing a semester of college. It's much scarier when it happens out of the blue, and you have no idea where or why it happens.


----------



## The Proof (Aug 5, 2009)

well there is no point to existence, existence is an accident

you can make your own goals or whatever, though sometimes it does feel pretty pointless at times

get some rest, tommorrow you'll have breakfast and get to doing something, doesn't really matter what and forget all about the pointlessness of life


----------

