# Girl overadapting to their boyfriends, copyin all their hobbies.WTF?



## FlaviaGemina (May 3, 2012)

This is a bit out of random, it's just something that crossed my mind while I was reminiscing.

*Have you ever come across girls that copy all their boyfriend's hobbies in a really extreme way?
*I used to know two girls who where like that.

Girl number 1 was my best friend in kindgergarten and primary school. 
In primary school (!!!!), this guy was interested in her. He was a Roman history buff. So he invited us to his house to teach us about Roman soldiers and she told me she isn't interested in it but she will go, so that she can relate to him. She wasn't even interested in the guy himself, but somehow she felt oblidged to play along with it (no idea why).
Throughout her adolesnce, whenever she had her eye on a guy, she'd get interested in his hobbies. If her boyfriend liked Hip Hop, she'd be the greatest Hip Hop fan ever. If he liked punk, she'd be the greates punk ever. If he liked ice hockey, she'd be into that. Her musical tastes would change more often than other people changer their underpants and her other girl friends found it extremely strange and started to shun her. Hell... when her boyfriend was a left-wing anarchist, she'd be that. When her new boyfriend was a Nazi, she'd be a Nazi. I'm not exaggerating! 
She was constanly on a mission to look sexy and attract a new boyfriend.
The strange thing is, that she did have her own hobbies and interests at the same time and was very competent in them and her areas of expertise where not typical "girly" things. E.g. she played soccer (which is a guy thing where I live) and lots of other sports, showed off her msucles etc. She chose chemistry and biology as her high school majors, while she hated languages. I know it's stereotypical to call these interests 'guy' things, but I hope you get my drift? In fact, she wasn't a 'girly' girl overall. She did go shopping for sexy clothes, but it was all connected to her mission and she didn't just buy any random thing on a whim and didn't indulge in 'retail therapy'.

I'm not sure whether she had low self-esteem overall. She did struggle at school and drift a bit at one point, but she picked herself up and did better once she had decided that languages are not for her and she'll do sciences. While she did seem a bit desperate to capture the boy she currently had her eye on, she was also very picky and outspoken when a boy fancied her but she didn't fancy him. 
On the whole, she seemed assertive enough to me. 
On the whole, feelings ('love', 'affection' etc.) seemed to have little to do with it. Or at least she didn't talk about them openly. She did get bitchy when a boyfriend broke up with her, but her disappointedment wasn't directed at this boy in particular, it was more about the fact that she didn't have a boyfriend now. ... I mean, she did complain that he broke up with her, but I'm not sure that she was affected by it very deeply. It was more an outward kind of thing like "Now I'm single again, I will need another boyfriend because everybody needs a boyfriend." She was also very superficial in that she exclusively got attracted to her boyfriends based on looks without even knowing them. She was outspoken about their looks, but at the same time, she didn't mention words like "sexy" etc.

Girl number 2: 
I got to know her at uni. Like girl 1, she was always in a relationship and always copying the hobbies of her many boyfriends. One boyfriend was an opera singer, so she got majorly into opera from one day to the next. The other (or possible the same one) had read LOTR 18 times, so she got into LOTR when she never used to be a Fantasy geek before. It wasn't that she said: "My boyfriend is into this. Yeah, that sounds kinda interesting, maybe I'll try it one day." She literarlly turned herself into a different person intersts-wise overnight. Basically, all she ever talked about was her boyfriends and their interests.
She'd also wear very revealing clothes and thought that wearing revealing clothes was 'feminist' (rather than 'feminine'). 
At the same time, she was a reasonably good student. Well... she tried to get good marks but was never really interested in the topics themselves. She was obsessed with marks, but seldom had anything to say on the topic.
On the other hand, her main 'own' interest was reading a weekly newsmagazine. She set aside a whole day for that and devoured all of it and enthused about how interesting it is. That magazine is all about politics, the economy, science etc. Of course, just as many women as men read that magazine ..... but it seems a strange contrast to her behaviour with her boyfriends.
Again.. she didn't seem to have low selfesteem overall. I mean.. she was a bit stressed because she had health problems that she didn't like to talk about and she did strike me as just a tad manic ... but in general, she wasn't majorly weird apart from the boy-friend thing.

*Have you come across such people? Has it been mainly girls/women or also boys/men? WTF is this all about? Does this phenomenon have a name?*


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## elixare (Aug 26, 2010)

Yea it's called "Enneagram 2w3 Sx dom/aux"-ness

I've had this 2w3 girl who fell in love with me and basically copied the stuff that I do/like in order to try to get closer to me, which I personally find highly amusing/hilarious...


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## goodgracesbadinfluence (Feb 28, 2011)

A lot of people are (wrongly) told that to get a boyfriend/girlfriend, find out what he/she likes and get involved with it. They're told it's an easy way to get to know someone because you have common ground to talk about. Unfortunately, this usually happens....

Or, the guy pretends to like everything you like, because he thinks you'll dump him if he doesn't. Then when you find out he actually doesn't like that stuff, you get confused about what he actually does like and you're a little hurt/miffed.


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## FlaviaGemina (May 3, 2012)

goodgracesbadinfluence said:


> A lot of people are (wrongly) told that to get a boyfriend/girlfriend, find out what he/she likes and get involved with it. They're told it's an easy way to get to know someone because you have common ground to talk about. Unfortunately, this usually happens....


Honestly?. I've never heard that one. Who tells them that? Their parents? Magazines? Their peers?


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## chimeric (Oct 15, 2011)

I think it's due to a shaky sense of self and a desire to "merge" into one unit. You know how in some some relationships, "I" becomes "we"? "We congratulate you on the birth of your new child." "This is our favorite restaurant." Blah blah. There's that history of women changing their last names, following the man wherever he moves, etc. This over-adaption you're talking about probably comes from a similar motivation but is...more messed up.


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## Dr.Horrible (Jul 12, 2012)

ive been introduced to movies or shows that a girl liked,and i liked her.it wasnt just because i wanted to copy her, i genuinely enjoyed most things she showed me and i showed her things she liked too.I like those things alot but if she ends up hurting me it ill be difficult to do all that stuff again and watch those shows and tv


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## snail (Oct 13, 2008)

What's wrong with taking an interest in someone else's hobbies and trying to relate, especially if you're really into that person? I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not going to learn how to do computer programming just because it's what my husband does, and he probably isn't going to start painting just because it's my thing, but if there were something he enjoyed that we could do together, as a positive bonding experience, and if I could enjoy it without losing my sense of self, I wouldn't hesitate to try it. I think as long as people aren't forgetting their own desires, there's nothing wrong with trying to enjoy things from a partner's perspective. It could enhance one's empathy and make it easier to connect.


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## Hurricane Matthew (Nov 9, 2012)

This makes me think of two girls who have had a crush on me in the past. I saw them as "just friends", but they liked me a bit extra and after a while, I started noticing they would copy my interests and hobbies, pretending to be enjoy the same things I did and it would feel less genuine than when they saw me as "just a friend" while they had their own genuine interests. When they crushed on me, if I said I thought something was stupid, they would agree with me, even though it was something they seemed to have liked/supported beforehand. I even tested the theory by saying I really hated something, even though I was neutral on it, when I knew they used to be passionate about it in the past and they did the 180 and took my side. It annoyed me that they could be so disloyal to their own opinions and were so easily persuaded by me when they had no good reason to. For the lulz when one of them was joining an internet community I was part of, I told her to make her username be "((insert my username here))'s slave" and while I was just joking, she took it seriously and was about to make it her username until I stopped her and said it was way too retarded and that I was only kidding. Some girls just think they have to be completely below the other person for them to be liked, I guess. It's really unappealing to me... since it makes me feel like I don't even know who they are @[email protected] 

I think in the case of both of my experiences on this, they desperately wanted to impress me. For example, they would try to impress me with their artwork but when I didn't completely LOVE it, it'd depress them and they quit doing it. One of them got mad at me for not appreciating her enough for everything she "did for me" and I was confused on what she meant by that; I may never know the answer. I think I appreciate my friends plenty.

Not all girls are like this, though. The girl who likes me right now is very much herself with her own distinct interests and opinions, and what we have in common really is genuine. She's an NT like me, though  so honesty is a desire on both sides. The two girls mentioned above were ISFJ and INFP, one of which telling me she wanted me to lie to her in order to make her "feel better" on stuff... lol yeah right. I'll say what I honestly think needs to be said.


EDIT: Seeing other people's posts around mine, I agree that sharing interests are good but the OP is talking about the *extreme* cases. Any friendship, romantic or not, can have interests and hobbies rub off on others just out of exposure to them, but being a total one-sided copycat is more of what the OP is getting at, correct me if I'm wrong.


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## conscius (Apr 20, 2010)

Yeah, like Snail and Chimeric said, there is a romantic side to it, and I could be wrong but I think girls are more likely to do this than boys (generally speaking of course, as there are guys who would do this too), to please their significant other or in order to form a union, by taking interest in what the other person likes or enjoys doing. So I find it lovely and romantic. Obviously if this turns into something where she not only takes great interest but actually loses herself in the other person, then it does become worrisome and can even be labeled pathological. That would be the case of someone with borderline personality or generally speaking people who have very loose boundaries and no clear sense of self. It would be like me taking interest in Japanese culture and then one day starting to think I'm actually Japanese, as if my original culture just disappeared or was pushed out completely, as if there was never anything substantial there or as if I'm simply an empty container to be filled with whoever I come in contact with. It is very hard to tell from a mere description where on this continuum these people that FlaviaGemina has mentioned, belong. It's also useful to keep in mind that when we are little, we barely have a sense of self, so taking on other people's interests and personality is quite normal. 

But like I said, I do like the romantic ideal of that, when I see a boy and a girl who share a lot in common. Or when I see a girl who takes a real genuine interest in what her bf does or likes. As a guy I feel attracted to that. But I do want her, if I care for her, to keep some of her own interests and hobbies and her own sense of person. Because if not, then if one day I want to break up with her, I would feel awful leaving her so empty, as if I've taken her sense of self away.


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## PlacentaCake (Jun 14, 2012)

Idk, I don't think it is a big deal. It is fun to learn something new sometimes. Meeting new people gives you the opportunity to try new things. Maybe I'm misunderstanding where you are coming from though.


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## Ruru (Mar 9, 2013)

Well I do know someone who always copy someone or something up. Unfortunately it turned to be irritating to me its because most of the things that she copy came from certain animes or media personality. She turns to be really weird, though I myself is also weird but at least I know how to act right around normal people. 

There's a time when I notice that she is imitating what my hobbies are. Which pissed me off to death.


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## FlaviaGemina (May 3, 2012)

snail said:


> What's wrong with taking an interest in someone else's hobbies and trying to relate, especially if you're really into that person? I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not going to learn how to do computer programming just because it's what my husband does, and he probably isn't going to start painting just because it's my thing, but if there were something he enjoyed that we could do together, as a positive bonding experience, and if I could enjoy it without losing my sense of self, I wouldn't hesitate to try it. I think as long as people aren't forgetting their own desires, there's nothing wrong with trying to enjoy things from a partner's perspective. It could enhance one's empathy and make it easier to connect.


I totally agree. But in those cases it was all one-sided, with the girls copying their boyfriends, but not vice-versa.


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## DecadentDisCordis (Dec 17, 2012)

I quickly grow bored with girls that do this, causing me to leave them. I hate one way relationships.


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## WamphyriThrall (Apr 11, 2011)

I know what you mean, and I do think it's more common for the female to adopt interests of the male, to the point of becoming a 'clone', than vice versa. A part of it might be that women tend to put a lot more stock into relationships and finding common ground with others, while men are taught to be competitive, to stand out and leave our mark on the world. To imitate is to follow and to follow means whomever you're following is a 'leader', ie superior. Even my friend, who is completely whipped by his girlfriend, maintains a strong sense of self, and really hasn't changed much since his single days. Also, guys who pick up a few too many interests from their girlfriends or wives tend to be ridiculed by other men to some degree. 

For someone who ranks individuality so high, just the thought of becoming a perfect mold of my SO seems completely absurd. If anything, I'd work extra hard to preserve my own unique traits, since I know what it's like to become so smitten with someone that you forget there is a world outside of that relationship. That, and when you're into something heavily and wish to discuss it in-depth, only to find out the person is only 'into it' for their SO, it feels like you've just been lied to and had your time wasted.

Anyway, most of us fall for someone for their own distinguishable traits, not because they're exactly like us, or because we hope they become exactly like us someday. Really, that's kind of why mirrors exist in the first place.


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## LadyO.W.BernieBro (Sep 4, 2010)

lt's strange isn't it? Though once a guy pretended to like Jeopardy because l did. l was suspicious of everything he said after that LOL. Who does that?

But yeah:/ lt's parasitic when it's extreme. What's funny is that a person like that will often try to change everything about the person they were interested in anyway, so what's the point? l think it's more about gaining control.


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## DualGnosis (Apr 6, 2013)

I find that my gf often tries to do this with me; especially regarding my storage habits and love for watching documentaries. In fact now that I think about it.............. I really don't know much about what my gf's interest are other than going on the internet and chatting with friends. Hmm, interesting. Although I wouldn't say it's as extreme as the OP's example. What I do love about her however is her strong, almost feisty hatred towards men. Not even joking. She's dating me, but she hates 'men' as a whole. It's interesting and hilarious at the same time. 

Now back to the topic:

I do find these types of individuals rather interesting. I recall one of my friends had a crush on a girl on his dorm floor. She was really interested in anime, while he quite frankly hated it. Yet he still spent money trying to buy her gifts and even attending an anime convention just to impress her. He never really became successful in his pursuits. I do believe the reasoning behind it is to make a possibly good impression to the target individual, although I've yet to see such actions to be a sustainable method in maintaining good relationships. In the end I do believe it's between accepting both positives and negatives between two individuals and working with what they have in order to be happy. 

That being said, I think this type of personality tends to be a causation for women infatuated with criminals and manipulative types. It definitely would be not a good trait to have in my opinion (at least in the extreme cases presented).


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## Trinidad (Apr 16, 2010)

It seems a very girly thing to do, but I've only ever seen two _guys _trying to 'merge' like this with their girlfriends. One is a feeler and SX dom, the other I strongly suspect to be a feeler too. Maybe that has something to do with it?


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## nothingbutfoma (Jan 30, 2013)

daddy issues?


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## Strange Moon (Nov 10, 2012)

I think it's mostly females who suffer from this "chameleon syndrome" and to me it's highly irritating.
I know somebody who was listening mostly to progressive rock and when she got a new boyfriend who was into J-pop she was listening to J-pop all the time (about as far as you can get from progressive rock). However she quickly lost her new passion for J-pop when her boyfriend dumped her :-0

She also used to like extreme splatter movies ("Saw" etc.) and suddenly she is very squeamish when there is even a little violence in a movie. I'm sure it has a lot to do with the fact that her new boyfriend is a wuss who is only watching "positive and optimistic movies" (mostly "Star Trek") and who feels that "The Dark Knight" trilogy is "too dark" for him, LOL.

It's kind of fascinating and scary at the same time to watch somebody change their interests and reactions in this way.
I've never seen a guy adapting in such an extreme way to a new girlfriend. Probably some guys do it too but I think women are more prone to it.


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## Laguna (Mar 21, 2012)

On the surface, this can seem quite lame and indicative of low self-esteem- but from experience, I can say this. I definitely have my own rock-solid interests. Ain't no man gonna budge me from those. If he has a true issue with them for no good reason- we would be deemed incompatible in my eyes. Now in the same vein- if my man could either A) sincerely strike an interest in my interests out of love for me / sense of adventure / trying something new- and it sticks--- JACKPOT. or B) strike an interest out of love for me and gives it his best shot / in good faith- to take part from time to time---- SWEET.

I have gotten full-fledged into my man's interests---even when were not mine--- out of love for him. His interests in many ways become mine because love means sharing and I when I love- I love everything about him. So I make concerted efforts to cheer on his interests. But if there are some things he is into that I am clearly not or never will be .... I strive to do "B" above--- and give it my best shot.

All in all- there will be things HE DOES and SHE DOES seperately. And that is also important. To have some seperate interests outside of the relationship.

My two cents.

EDIT: Post thought: If rock climbing is my man's thing (not my thang!) I would suddenly be into it becuz ... seeing the joy it brings someone I love would make me love rock climbing. It is called sincerity. I would sincerely love to cheer on the person that I love while he climbs rocks. haha Am I rambling now? Sorry--- ENFP rant---- over n out!


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