# I don't like PDAs - wat do??



## Retsu (Aug 12, 2011)

I dislike public displays of affection quite a bit. I find them embarrassing. Like we'll be doing something and I'll feel an arm from behind - I'm busy! I don't want any touching right now! I also dislike being kissed when, say, watching a film in the cinema. 

This is half venting and half asking what's wrong with me - I don't mind it so much at home but even then if it's in front of other people it's uncomfortable at best, and I downright hate it in public. I feel like I offend my boyfriend when I tell him not to do it (admittedly my temper has been getting shorter and shorter in general so my delivery isn't the best). Apparently saying "what is with all the touching" is not an appropriate response. I've disliked them for a while now. So what can I do to open my mind to the possibility of liking PDAs?

I suppose it feels like it's just not proper to do it in public. I can do hand holding and hugging, maybe a peck on the lips/cheek but I hate anything more than that in public. 

Wat do plz.


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## Gossip Goat (Nov 19, 2013)

I suggest easing into it, maybe? Every time you go out initiate a slight form of PDA; whatever you're comfortable with.


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## Ben8 (Jul 5, 2013)

I have the same issue. It is extremely uncomfortable for me and quite embarrassing. I always think how uncomfortable I would be kissing a bride in front of people at a wedding. It just freaks me out a bit. I wouldn't feel pressured to change unless you really want to be capable of PDA. If that's the case, then do you think it is an issue of shyness? Maybe you do not want people to see, "that side" of you and judge you.


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## Retsu (Aug 12, 2011)

Ben8 said:


> I wouldn't feel pressured to change unless you really want to be capable of PDA. If that's the case, then do you think it is an issue of shyness? Maybe you do not want people to see, "that side" of you and judge you.


It is mainly while we're engaging in something or trying to get somewhere - it is cold, dark and wet and I just want to get inside, I do not want an arm round me to slow us down. Or if I'm trying to do something that requires concentration - I'll snap that "I'm _busy_, stop _touching _me!"

Admittedly, I do feel pressured into it because he says "but I love you" and it makes me feel bad for snapping, but I really am busy and I'd rather not hug or kiss then and there. I guess I need to get used to it, being the woman I'm meant to like it after all...


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## Children Of The Bad Revolution (Oct 8, 2013)

I get you. I find it uncomfortable as I'm a naturally shy/quiet person and don't like drawing attention to myself or my actions. You don't have to do anything you don't want to, though, remember that. If you feel uncomfortable, say something. If they're good, they will understand and respect your boundaries.


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## Ben8 (Jul 5, 2013)

Retsu said:


> It is mainly while we're engaging in something or trying to get somewhere - it is cold, dark and wet and I just want to get inside, I do not want an arm round me to slow us down. Or if I'm trying to do something that requires concentration - I'll snap that "I'm _busy_, stop _touching _me!"
> 
> Admittedly, I do feel pressured into it because he says "but I love you" and it makes me feel bad for snapping, but I really am busy and I'd rather not hug or kiss then and there. I guess I need to get used to it, being the woman I'm meant to like it after all...



Or you could get over gender roles and find you a more suitable mate.


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## Retsu (Aug 12, 2011)

Ben8 said:


> Or you could get over gender roles and find you a more suitable mate.










@isingthebodyelectric I could go BF Skinner on this. 

Maybe it is the shyness. Or just being in a relationship I'm meant to like that stuff, rather than as a woman. It's a sometimes I do like it, but other times "please give me space I'm sorry it's not you it's me now stop pawing at me" thing.


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## the_natrix (Aug 10, 2011)

Retsu said:


> I could go BF Skinner on this.


Best, idea, ever. 
On a different note, is "wat do" a reference to futurama by chance?
On a possibly useful note have you considered looking at this from a love language perspective? http://personalitycafe.com/articles/112444-five-love-languages-explained.html


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## Retsu (Aug 12, 2011)

the_natrix said:


> Best, idea, ever.
> On a different note, is "wat do" a reference to futurama by chance?
> On a possibly useful note have you considered looking at this from a love language perspective? http://personalitycafe.com/articles/112444-five-love-languages-explained.html


That was quite interesting, I haven't heard of this. I got quality time with 10/12. Next highest were physical touch and acts of service, both tied at 6. Rings about true, I do like spending time with him and I do say to him a lot that I like his company and we don't need to do anything. 
Not a conscious reference, no. Just something I see on the internet.


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## Modal Soul (Jun 16, 2013)

kill him

public display of annihilation


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## Trademark (Nov 13, 2014)

Ahm I also feel the same way I don't really like to demonstrate my affection to anyone publicly even with my parents. Some people do it just to boast to people around them how much they love with each other or simply they do it as the way to let the people around them to be jealous for them. They literaly meant it 'This is now my girlfriend/boyfriend, so how'bout you? Do you have one?' This is also widely practiced by the politicians esp. when they're in the public/media to show off how they care for the people by hugging/shaking/waving publicly, yeah always done publicly. f*ck this faker philanthropists are likely to proclaim that they're going to donate a big amount of money to any crisis when all the cameras are pointing on them this is an always be an inevitable scenarios. I called them nothing but a Pharisees. This is an example of hypocrisy. Judas' kiss. Hypocrites. I grew up without this kind of emotions. The kisses, hugs, shake of hands are very strange for me. My parents never practiced to say the simple phrase 'I Love You' they never tought us to be emotional. I became pretty cold as the dead, stubborn, selfish. Maybe am not a feeler


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## General Lee Awesome (Sep 28, 2014)

well if you dont like PDA, you can always get an ipad

lol kidding

Just let the person know to take it slow. I am not that comfortable either, especially at first.


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## Retsu (Aug 12, 2011)

johnson.han.3 said:


> well if you dont like PDA, you can always get an ipad
> 
> lol kidding
> 
> Just let the person know to take it slow. I am not that comfortable either, especially at first.


We've been in a relationship for a couple of years.  admittedly it's only really now it's become an extra annoyance to me.  I'd say I tolerate them at best but I know he really likes them.


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## Legate (Jan 7, 2015)

If someone refuses to respect their boundaries after you tell them that what they do makes you uncomfortable, you are not at fault for continuing to feel uncomfortable, they are at fault for continuing to do something that you specified made you uncomfortable, _especially_ if he's talking about how he does this thing he hates "because he loves you." If he actually loved you, he'd _stop._

Like yeah, there can be compromises made, probably in the form of private displays of affection, but seriously, if this is so absolutely super impossibly important to him that he absolutely cannot budge on the topic ever, then that's it, you're done, it was never going to work out anyway, go find someone who respects your personal space.


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## ClarityOfVision (Mar 3, 2013)

Jakenpoi said:


> Ahm I also feel the same way I don't really like to demonstrate my affection to anyone publicly even with my parents. Some people do it just to boast to people around them how much they love with each other or simply they do it as the way to let the people around them to be jealous for them. They literaly meant it 'This is now my girlfriend/boyfriend, so how'bout you? Do you have one?'
> 
> […]
> 
> I grew up without this kind of emotions. The kisses, hugs, shake of hands are very strange for me. My parents never practiced to say the simple phrase 'I Love You' they never tought us to be emotional. I became pretty cold as the dead, stubborn, selfish. Maybe am not a feeler


Wow, you’re so short-sighted. There are many other reasons why someone would show a PDA. For me it’s just a way to show that person I appreciate them. For me it doesn’t matter whether it’s in private or public. In public, I won’t start a full make out session, but I’m not averse to a peck on the lips. There are certain boundaries I’m willing to accept and not cross. This doesn’t mean I’m all over my girlfriend in public, but it does mean that if I feel like showing her a bit of affection, I won’t wait until we’re home. 

It seems to me (and mind you, I could be wrong) that you’re very bitter in a way. You judge without understanding. You judge the people that kiss others in public and create intentions for them of which you don’t know whether or not these are real.



Legate said:


> If someone refuses to respect their boundaries after you tell them that what they do makes you uncomfortable, you are not at fault for continuing to feel uncomfortable, they are at fault for continuing to do something that you specified made you uncomfortable, _especially_ if he's talking about how he does this thing he hates "because he loves you." If he actually loved you, he'd _stop._
> 
> Like yeah, there can be compromises made, probably in the form of private displays of affection, but seriously, if this is so absolutely super impossibly important to him that he absolutely cannot budge on the topic ever, then that's it, you're done, it was never going to work out anyway, go find someone who respects your personal space.


I fully and wholeheartedly disagree with you. This is a 2-way stream. You make it seem as if the guy is the bad person for not respecting her boundaries. This logic can be turned around with the same easy: “She’s the bad person for not respecting his needs and he should bail because if she truly loved him, she would allow the displays.” The logic works both way, but the thing is, both of the statements are true. 

@Retsu I was in a relationship with a girl like you for 2 years. She didn’t want any PDA and this bugged and hurt me. Fair enough, I was inexperienced in the matter, but she was extremely inconsiderate. I’m a more physical person than she was, also in private. She would tell me regularly: “Stop touching me.” Even when we were sitting on the couch together or cooking together. I was the one adapting. This makes me biased in the issue, but I can also offer a different viewpoint.

He’s probably already trying his best to do it as little as possible. However, it’s really not cool if these displays are his outlet for affection and you block him from showing it. I can testify that this is excruciating. How would you feel if he suddenly doesn’t want to spend time with you but only sends you presents (Gift love language). You wouldn’t feel appreciated because your primary way of love is unappreciated.

My advice: Compromise. If you don’t this will grow to be a major problem for the relationship as a whole. Ease yourself into a halfway compromise and he’ll ease into it as well. Talk about it with him and tell him that you can make a compromise in this. Don’t make it seem like this is a huge effort from your side, otherwise the PDA’s will mean nothing to him anyway. I know they will be forced from your side but this is YOUR problem. As soon as you decide on a compromise you can’t complain anymore. He can’t complain anymore either. It’ll not be optimal for either of you but at least nobody will emotionally die.


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## Retsu (Aug 12, 2011)

ClarityOfVision said:


> Wow, you’re so short-sighted. There are many other reasons why someone would show a PDA. For me it’s just a way to show that person I appreciate them. For me it doesn’t matter whether it’s in private or public. In public, I won’t start a full make out session, but I’m not averse to a peck on the lips. There are certain boundaries I’m willing to accept and not cross. This doesn’t mean I’m all over my girlfriend in public, but it does mean that if I feel like showing her a bit of affection, I won’t wait until we’re home.
> 
> It seems to me (and mind you, I could be wrong) that you’re very bitter in a way. You judge without understanding. You judge the people that kiss others in public and create intentions for them of which you don’t know whether or not these are real.
> 
> ...


I agree with you. Honestly I've been getting better at it, I was just a little upset when I made the op because of other issues. 
The guy who said I should end it, absolutely no way. I love him a lot but sometimes PDAs irk me a little bit. Is not a deal breaker at all. 
It isn't a huge effort, it's only a bother when I'm actually doing something and he's being touchy, which I don't think is unreasonable. When we're just sat there I love hugging and kissing, just not necking in public.


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## Razare (Apr 21, 2009)

Lol, I thought you were talking about personal digital assistants... and I'm like, "I haven't heard that term since the 90's!"


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