# How do you heal an utterly broken INFP person?



## Allyrianne (Jul 29, 2018)

I've kept mentioning this before, but as a reference to the new readers, I have been depressed for more than 10 years now. Therapies and medications aren't an option for some personal and inevitable reasons.

In the past, I tried to kill myself by swallowing a small bottle of Tylenol pills. It didn't work. I wasn't and still isn't even sure if it's enough to do any harm at all. Dealing with all the pains in life, I found an effective way of distracting myself from the pain of life's truths. I would use a razor blade to make incisions on my forearms, more than 30 incisions on each arm. That time, I thought I could induce physical pain to try to distract me from getting drowned in all the emotional pains I was dealing with. It worked! Till now, I still have all the scars with me. I can hardly even cry anymore, even if I badly want to, it feels like my tears are running out of supply. When I try really hard, it feels like my eyes are burning.

It was a long time since I've had suicidal thoughts. Right now, I'm just too coward to even think of how would I deal with the physical pain should I ever attempt it again — no longer an option for me. Some fine nights, I keep pondering on possibilities; what if "voluntary euthanasia" is a thing in our world today? I'm not even sure if something like that exists. I just know that it would have been great for people like me, to help us get over with whatever's plaguing us for so long. I just want an instant escape, something that doesn't put me in agony, just enough to deliver me from this accursed land. I've heard of people talking about the "rock bottom." I was never familiar with that, but they say it's an unfortunate experience in life where people can possibly stand up and become a whole new person someday despite the impediments one had to deal with. My situation now would be far worse than that. A 29 year old still living with parents who couldn't kick me out but they wish they could (or so I think.) I feel like a disgrace.

I used to excel in school. The things other students find gruesomely hard seemed to have been easy for me. It could be my extremely erratic luck! One day, though, a disaster befall upon me that I had to stop altogether. I swear I wanted to curse all the people responsible for that. Since then, I seem to have been constantly spiraling down this pitch black abyss of misery. My dreams are broken; I can never become a nurse anymore and later on become a physician. I'd have to keep drifting through life trying to make a living, to find a job just to get by with my daily life. But alas! I'm so broken that I can hardly get out there and find the most menial of jobs just for the sake of having one. My spirit feels paralyzed. In my heart, I have this tremendous sense of vengeance and resentment. I can't stop thinking of how I would never forgive those who left me in my darkest times. I keep thinking of how I would be the one ignoring them when life gets better for me. But why would I think like that?! The nerve of me?! I haven't even taken a single step to getting myself out of this abyss yet! 

Every day feels like I'm just here to exist. I can think of things I want to do in life but they all seem not enough of a drive to make me wanna keep going. I feel like I've reached a dead end. How do I even succeed if I have these thoughts of one day making the people who left me regret what they did? Why am I so vengeful?


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## Anunnaki Spirit (Mar 23, 2018)

Rather than dealing with the symptoms have you tried or at least considered working out the issues that are causing this, it wasn't easy by any means for me to face mine but you really should provided that you are able and support can make a big difference. For me I had no support so that made it much worse. If nothing is obvious or immediate and family or some other reason isn't the cause then it could be a more complicated issue. Those who say that it is only biology and chemicals are doing other people a disservice and avoid real issues. 

I don't deal with but just tolerate with some understanding of having been there myself and look on with some level of anger at the system that fails people daily.


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## secondpassing (Jan 13, 2018)

Read this recently: "By learning to accept what you cannot change, you become more likely to view things from a more positive standpoint."

Some things aren't going to be good. Changing from being vengeful to being more kind surely can't happen overnight, but if you try-- and then look back every few months, you may be more pleased with yourself.

_________

Also this:
"All the days of the afflicted one are bad, But the one with a cheerful heart has a continual feast."

I may not be able to provide you escape from your situation by buying you a faraway mansion, but I can teach you to make crepes. We might think we are scum on Earth, but there still are small indulgences we can have here and there. If you don't want to learn to make crepes, which are dead simple, then you can learn to make banana smoothies which are one cup of milk blended with a 3/4ths a banana until forthy. Whatever the case, find the small things that bring you joy. 

And maybe there are days which those small things will not bring us joy. I hope those days are few.


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## whydoyounotunderstand (Dec 25, 2018)

Talk to someone that can be nice and gentle with you I guess. Some INFP friends of mine did that and they felt much better


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## Fru2 (Aug 21, 2018)

"voluntary euthanasia" is actually a thing in Belgium, though it takes a process of several months before being allowed to seal the deal.

But before you go ahead and pack your bags to go there(sorry for the dark humor), I think that the thing that hinders you most right now is the habit of feeling self pity for yourself. If you don't mind, I'd like to hear more about the disaster you experienced, I might have some more insight into what approach could best help you as a consequence. 

Remember, it's never too late to start anything. All you need to do is ask for advice, I'm willing to help you in any way I can, just PM me, I've been let down, betrayed, disappointed and I know depression personally, so reach out, please.


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## Pensive Fine (Oct 4, 2018)

You are much older than me and have gone through much more than me, so I can never truly understand your experiences the way you do. I have struggled with depression for 3 years and it is horrible. I can't even imagine what it would be like struggling for 10 years with the constant conflict of living vs dying. It takes strength to continue living for so long even though you are constantly tormented by dark thoughts. Thank you for typing it all out and trying to reach out.

What made you want to become a nurse in the first place?


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## JennyJukes (Jun 29, 2012)

Stop referring to yourself as broken is probably a good start. Doing that is a self-fulfilling prophecy that only holds yourself back.


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## Llyralen (Sep 4, 2017)

Well, I watched and tried to help my INFP husband deal with horrible depression for about 15 years and he is so well now. I'm so impressed with the changes I'm seeing. 

I have many thoughts for you. I don't know what your intentions are like and your dealings with other people and I admit I lightly skimmed what you said and am in a hurry so I'll have to come back to this but I wanted to write a few thoughts. I have a recent experience. ENFPs feel a lot like INFPs before our Te kicks in, or at least I did. I felt depressed a lot, worried about how I came across constantly and the things I dealt with were truly confusing at that time. I had a suicidal mother when I was 16 who I was trying to help. I had 2 sisters who were horribly depressed and/or narcissistic through that time. I was trying to be the strong one while being constantly torn down by those I loved. Um... I had a recent experience that put my mind right back there and I experienced all of that confusion and sadness and all of that self-blame for about a day and then..... I told myself "This is not my fault". It's not my fault if people act irritated. It's not my fault if other people are unhappy. Um.... actually I don't know if I'm talking about the right thing. My INFP husband wouldn't usually have this thought in mind. Instead he feels like a failure and needed to learn to tell himself he is not. 

Anyway, whatever it is that if someone who really really loved you--- if you can imagine that you were your best friend like that. Sit down next to yourself and tell you whatever it is that you need to feel to heal. Well, that's the real thing. Love and what love would teach you is what is the truth.


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## Llyralen (Sep 4, 2017)

Oh... also check out the Enneagram 4 stuff. I like these videos:


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## Allyrianne (Jul 29, 2018)

Pensive Fine said:


> You are much older than me and have gone through much more than me, so I can never truly understand your experiences the way you do. I have struggled with depression for 3 years and it is horrible. I can't even imagine what it would be like struggling for 10 years with the constant conflict of living vs dying. It takes strength to continue living for so long even though you are constantly tormented by dark thoughts. Thank you for typing it all out and trying to reach out.
> 
> What made you want to become a nurse in the first place?


When I was young, I would always wander off while classes were still going on. When I take tests (multiple choice mostly), I would literally randomly choose letters and I would finish a 50-item test in just few minutes. I had horrible case of getting bored when contained in a single place on a stationary position.

I've always thought I was dumb and I hated math so much because I find it most boring of all things, but I was still adventurous nonetheless. I was always into something that piques my interest, less so in things I don't even care about, and no one could force me to like things I don't. So yes, I hated maths and when I reached high school, I was doing well in sciences and literature. I thought I was dumb because I just don't get any of the mathematical concepts being taught. I then dreamed of becoming a scientist! People laughed, maybe because it was obvious that I was dumb that I can't even do simple maths.

I graduated high school with honors but my math grade was significantly lower than any other subjects. My average was an 83 in math, and I even wondered how I still qualified for an honor because I thought no one should ever get a grade lower than 85 for someone to be awarded with honors. I still hated maths. The first college course I had in mind is Biology. I loved the concept so much and I thought there would be less maths in it, so I can study something I like why having less of what I dislike. But I had to take BS Nursing instead, just so my older sister's books wouldn't go to waste and I would add to the ranks of professionals in the family. Studying it, I thought being a nurse is actually so close to the doctor, and I've known that they're scientists in their own field. I then tried to build that dream for me despite feeling dumb at the same time. Some guys in my school would even had to solve my math problems for me just because I was too dumb to do it myself.

Even in college, I still had a lot of issues going on in me. I've jumped to 3 different universities just because of cases of failure due to absences (always late, some days too afraid to go to school and see the eyes gazing upon me as I walk the hallway, that's what I thought). Embarrassment of continuing in the same uni where I failed and I'd see my batchmates advance while I was stuck so I transferred. It was in cycles until I jumped from uni to uni. The last college was the best one, I thought. I was doing so well and the future seemed so bright it was almost like a fairy tale. For once, I felt being appreciated by instructors and students alike, and my grades were soaring. One family issue ended everything. Since then, for 10+ years, everything went spiraling down. I feel aimless, no direction, no vision of the future, too depressed to even start looking for a job. People assume that it's something that I can just snap out of, it hurts when they think that way, when I get told to just "get your shit together." They don't know what's inside my head, what's happening to my heart. What I'd give to just snap out of this. I was desperately looking for painless ways to die but there are just some questions I have in mind that I feel like I need an answer before embarking on a journey of uncertainty.


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## TBKT (Jan 10, 2019)

Allyrianne said:


> Pensive Fine said:
> 
> 
> > You are much older than me and have gone through much more than me, so I can never truly understand your experiences the way you do. I have struggled with depression for 3 years and it is horrible. I can't even imagine what it would be like struggling for 10 years with the constant conflict of living vs dying. It takes strength to continue living for so long even though you are constantly tormented by dark thoughts. Thank you for typing it all out and trying to reach out.
> ...


To be honest with you, i do not even know how I graduated uni, especially with an engieering degree. In the last year of uni, that was about 3 years ago, I was in my most depressed state , i was notorious for skipping classes, doing projects last minute, staying in my dorm room for weeks crying and playing video games and sleeping to escape reality. I did not even attend my senior project presentation which was a requirement to get my certificate; had to rely on my teammates. Thinking about it now, wow!! I thought of quitting a billion times. My life was basically playing video games and smoking cigarettes constantly. ( I do not smoke now ) 

1. I just remember that I was praying to God a lot, and that is what saved me. Knowing that there is a higher power out there that will take care of me has saved me so many times. Everytime i pray to God, I trust Him and I trust that I will be healed. 

2. I was also trying to discover ways to change my mentality through spiruality and self-discovery. I tried the law of attraction and visualization meditation. Knowing that I ,as a humanbeing eternal soul, have the ability to change not only my life but the universe with my mental power just facsinated me. Since i already live in my head, i believed that whatever I create inside my head will be reflected in reality.

3. I also started reading books, I started with books that would catch my attention from the first page. It just gives me another dimension to life that is interesting for my INFP self I guess.

4. Other than worshiping God, I have not found my purpose in life yet. But i am still searching, i keep putting small plans to find it. I keep searching activities on Meetup, I travel by myself, I am also thinking of talking my manager to change my position or transfer to another department.

For me spirtuality is a very important survival mechanism. Thanks for letting me articulate what I went through in the past.


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## flamesabers (Nov 20, 2012)

@Allyrianne


The first thing I would suggest is being patient with yourself. It takes time to get through depressive symptoms. That's not a character flaw, that's just the nature of the illness.


Secondly, I suggest acknowledging that not everything you think and feel about yourself is accurate. When you're struggling with depression, it's only normal you'll feel horrible about yourself and have a bleak outlook on your life. 


Lastly, do you have any healthy coping mechanisms for your depressive feelings? It doesn't have to be anything life-changing. Even if it only makes you feel a little better for a short time, that does count.


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## hugh315 (Feb 12, 2018)

I am sorry to hear what you are going through.

Not many people here are experts but probably you are going through quite severe depression. It's good you are seeking out help here, but I doubt how much this will help you because therapist is a well-paid profession for a reason because they can do what ordinary people can't do. You mentioned that for obvious personal reasons therapy and medication is not a choice for you, if I am correct and the reason is financial reason, depends on where you live I think it's worth the time to find some non-profit organization that might help people free of charge. Using social media to raise money is another option.


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## g_w (Apr 16, 2013)

Take smaller steps.
Look outward.


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## Zidane (Sep 9, 2015)

Allyrianne said:


> My situation now would be far worse than that. A 29 year old still living with parents who couldn't kick me out but they wish they could (or so I think.) I feel like a disgrace.


Nothing wrong with living with your parents. It's much better economically speaking than living on your own. And the reason they don't kick you out is because they love you. Most parents love their children, but alot are just bad at showing it. Life is not about achievement, this idea was conceived by the less conscious amongst us. Society has simply adopted it, and many of us feel judged by it even though these may not be the criteria we asked to be judged upon.



> Every day feels like I'm just here to exist. I can think of things I want to do in life but they all seem not enough of a drive to make me wanna keep going. I feel like I've reached a dead end.


Yes, that's what existence is about, to exist. We exist because we wanted to know what it's like to exist. And once we exist we realize life is about opposites. No pain without joy. No joy without pain. No hot without cold. No cold without hot. Focusing too much on the negatives and not enough on the positives causes depression. Depression is like wearing glasses that filter out the colour and hence you only see grey. Hence you might even try to kill yourself because no pain is better than pain. The joy is left out of the equation. It is possible that depressive people might just not have been loved enough, and hence, the brain does not experience enough dopamine. (Exercise and a good diet helps too here, do you exercise?) But, you can always start by learning to love yourself. This is only possible when you say fuck to what anyone else thinks of you. 



> How do I even succeed if I have these thoughts of one day making the people who left me regret what they did? Why am I so vengeful?


Forgiveness is the path to leaving the past behind and entering a new phase in your life. Aslong you are vengeful to those who hurt you, they are still on your mind. The only way to get them out of your mind is to forgive them.

Anyway, I remember you. My impression of you is the same as my impression back then when you thought you were such a bad girl. It's this: You are an angel, you just don't realize it. Just fell a bit, thats all 😉


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## Allyrianne (Jul 29, 2018)

@Zidane I wish I could say things more beautifully, but those words just struck me deep. Thank you so much. It's among the few moments I feel accepted and understood.


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## Zidane (Sep 9, 2015)

Allyrianne said:


> @Zidane I wish I could say things more beautifully, but those words just struck me deep. Thank you so much. It's among the few moments I feel accepted and understood.


No problem, that's great to hear  I don't know what it is but I find that as an ENTP I am just getting better and better at understanding INF types and uplifting you. (I think it's the development of our tertiary Fe.) Mystery to others maybe, less so with us... I see a broken girl, my instinct says to want to fix her. Other people surely tried to fix you too, but they misidentify the problem. They think they have to push you to do certain things that everyone is doing, to get you "functioning" again. But clearly those are just symptoms of something much deeper, which is your emotional state, and pushing you doesn't help fix that at all. (In fact, it can backfire and make you feel even more unaccepted.) Even just simple hugs work better here... If I could I'd give you a fucking hug.


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## 545769 (Apr 3, 2019)

Honestly, just be there for them. An INFP might take awhile, but they have to work through their problems, but they need someone by their side. And if you do have to give advice, be sensitive to their feelings and how you approach the subject. 

Never tell them it’s all in their head! They will lose trust in talking to you about what is bothering them.


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## 545769 (Apr 3, 2019)

Oh, sorry. I thought this thread was for someone else wondering how to help an INFP, not an INFP trying to help themselves. 

Well, I’m pretty much in the same situation as you, except I’m more emotionally balanced now. But I’d been down that dark road and...I still have to live with my parents and I’m on disability. 

May I ask why medications and therapy aren’t able to be used for you? That might help me understand better the situation.


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## Allyrianne (Jul 29, 2018)

Sweet but Psycho said:


> Oh, sorry. I thought this thread was for someone else wondering how to help an INFP, not an INFP trying to help themselves.
> 
> Well, Iâ€™m pretty much in the same situation as you, except Iâ€™m more emotionally balanced now. But Iâ€™d been down that dark road and...I still have to live with my parents and Iâ€™m on disability.
> 
> May I ask why medications and therapy arenâ€™t able to be used for you? That might help me understand better the situation.


I'm not on any sort of meds nor therapy atm.


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