# INFJ tells ENFP girlfriend he loves her then becomes withdrawn? help?



## sarahsarah (Aug 2, 2013)

Hello, I don't know if i am posting this in the right category, I apologize If I'm not. I have been hanging out with an INFJ for almost 4 months and when we met we immediately felt an intense attraction towards eachother. I have always wanted to be with him. We both argued for a little while (as if we were dating lol) he wasn't being sweet to me and I decided to go on a date with someone else. Which drove him nuts. But we ended up just giving in and trying again. This time has been really great. Our attraction towards eachother is so intense, it's like nothing I've ever felt before. It's not just physical, it's emotional, mental, spiritual, and sexual. I can tell he feels the same. He finally asked me to be his girlfriend, always mentioning that it wasn't a fling and that he takes our relationship seriously. I am very commited to him, and try to give him space and not smother him. He had been very, very sweet and caring to me most of the time. I will admit that he is difficult sometimes but he always makes it up to me. A couple weeks ago he told me that he could see me with him in the future, with our kids (we are both single parents) in a house. And i was so happy he felt so strongly about me. I fell for him so hard! Last time I went over to his place I could tell he was thinking something so I asked him what he was thinking about and looked me in my eyes (that damn gaze lol) and said "i love you." i told him i loved him too, and it was a very sweet moment for me. because ive never told anyone that and meant it with every part of me. he said he was scared to tell me because he didn't want to scare me away. i told him when he expressed his feelings it made me closer to him and not farther away  and then he dragged me to some stupid haunted house and i got freaked out and we had awesome sex. it was perfect lol.i haven't seen him in person since then but for the past 3 days he has seem to have withdrawn himself and isn't acting the same... he seems less sweet now like hes going through an internal shit like he has before but they usually don't last longer than one day. he all of a sudden doesn't want to really talk to me. and said that i complain too much. i am trying to have faith in our relationship but i could use some reassurance from other INFJS on whats going on in his head? is everything okay?? will it be okay? I love him and am trippin out. trying to have faith in our relationship but i could use some advice so i don't ruminate


----------



## FishOil (Jul 17, 2013)

sarahsarah said:


> Hello, I don't know if i am posting this in the right category, I apologize If I'm not. I have been hanging out with an INFJ for almost 4 months and when we met we immediately felt an intense attraction towards eachother. I have always wanted to be with him. We both argued for a little while (as if we were dating lol) he wasn't being sweet to me and I decided to go on a date with someone else. Which drove him nuts. But we ended up just giving in and trying again. This time has been really great. Our attraction towards eachother is so intense, it's like nothing I've ever felt before. It's not just physical, it's emotional, mental, spiritual, and sexual. I can tell he feels the same. He finally asked me to be his girlfriend, always mentioning that it wasn't a fling and that he takes our relationship seriously. I am very commited to him, and try to give him space and not smother him. He had been very, very sweet and caring to me most of the time. I will admit that he is difficult sometimes but he always makes it up to me. A couple weeks ago he told me that he could see me with him in the future, with our kids (we are both single parents) in a house. And i was so happy he felt so strongly about me. I fell for him so hard! Last time I went over to his place I could tell he was thinking something so I asked him what he was thinking about and looked me in my eyes (that damn gaze lol) and said "i love you." i told him i loved him too, and it was a very sweet moment for me. because ive never told anyone that and meant it with every part of me. he said he was scared to tell me because he didn't want to scare me away. i told him when he expressed his feelings it made me closer to him and not farther away  and then he dragged me to some stupid haunted house and i got freaked out and we had awesome sex. it was perfect lol.i haven't seen him in person since then but for the past 3 days he has seem to have withdrawn himself and isn't acting the same... he seems less sweet now like hes going through an internal shit like he has before but they usually don't last longer than one day. he all of a sudden doesn't want to really talk to me. and said that i complain too much. i am trying to have faith in our relationship but i could use some reassurance from other INFJS on whats going on in his head? is everything okay?? will it be okay? I love him and am trippin out. trying to have faith in our relationship but i could use some advice so i don't ruminate


Hey Sarah,
I have recently discovered that I am either INFJ or INFP. We are idealists/perfectionists. Sometimes even when things are going perfect, it's not enough. We're always looking for more. Never satisfied to the point that it can almost turn into self-sabotage. I don't say this to discourage you! It can just be part of our thought process at times. And im also not saying that he may be looking for someone "better". I have to almost literally smack myself sometimes to remind my brain of all of the great things that I have. So don't take any of it personally, because it's about being very cautious, especially if the feelings are as intense as you say. He probably wants to make sure he's doing the right thing, because when he's sure he will be all in. I've done everything you described - head over heels, then back away a little, then back to crazy in love, then slow it down a minute. Be open with him about what's going on in your mind, but not pushy. It will take some patience on your end. 
When he was apprehensive about saying he loves you, it was probably more about him being scared than just being scared of what your reaction may be. Just stay open and honest without smothering and you'll be fine


----------



## nebnobla (Jul 27, 2013)

Well I'm a guy, not an INFP or an INFJ, and don't really have experience in the unexplainable personality tweaks extensively, but I'll still try to give some insight anyways, or maybe structure the situation a little in terms of events and ideas, you don't have to take it though.

Based on the fact the "indexed" difference between the two of you is in the "I", then it is certainly in that realm that this situation becomes possible, rather, when there is an E-I, maybe. Anywho, He told you he loved you, you went to a haunted house and had sex, and you personally note that you enjoyed it, I'm sure he did as well, simply based on the emotional potential, but it may have been something during or immediately after that gave him a thought, which he is now pondering, etc, considering that is the point of behavioural change.

I personally find E's can (relative to INTP interpretation) sometimes get in your face, be too loud, be socially demanding, inconsiderate of others comfort "auras", etc, could something like this sort of behaviour also manifested then? Even earlier in the day was he acting kind of strange? It could totally be something personal; mind you, INFJs can be brutally stubborn in emotional interpretation of something (in my opinion), and when he said "I love you" were you both energetic and completely engaged with each other after? I mean, considering his type, that can be one of the most powerful things to say to another person to them, the reaction and subsequent behaviour of yourself in the time following likely would have been an adjustment period (even sub-consciously) where he would analyze the emotional reaction from yourself, which is really comparing how much you feel about each other, if that were even the case, as there are many possibilities. 

So, think about the time after you two exchanged how you felt about each other, think about your own reaction; it may be something in his sphere, but based on my personal opinion that sometimes E's can overlook other peoples comfort zones or emotional signals, it could potentially be on your side as well. Whatever you do don't run from it, problems require solutions not time to simmer, they may even get worse. 
_
Try hard to see his emotional/physical comfort aura _and _try to_ _emotionally appreciate his feelings toward you (not just sexually). _He said he could see you two having kids, he is thinking about that, he is thinking about ideas and plans and what _will_ happen, he almost expects you to be of some behaviour so these things can be true, maybe your behaviour in some way contradicted the feasibility of those emotional "goals", watch out for stuff like that, and over time, try to push his boundaries very slowly to what is emotionally comfortable, as to build better correspondence with your own, but only when you know it will not have a chronic (or adversely chronic) changing emotional effect on him, considering his stringency in emotional needs. Good luck.


----------



## sarahsarah (Aug 2, 2013)

Hi, I just talked to him about it. I asked him how he felt about everything and he said that everything was okay and that he was just irritated in general and I wasn't helping by being negative. I asked him if he regretted saying it and he said no, and that he never would say something that he didn't mean because he knew how seriously I would take it. and that he didn't want me to be scared to tell him how i'm feeling. he was just irritated. which is okay. he'll be super emotional and then want to be left alone. but I just need to learn to expect and be okay with not getting a bunch of attention from him at times which is hard, being an enfp and all, but helps me be more independent. we made plans to take our kids (his kid, and my kid we have from previous relationships) to this jumbo gym place with bouncy houses cause their birthdays are coming soon. thank you for helping. I realize that i just have to trust in him and know he loves me even when he doesn't say it all the time


----------



## Joshua.E (Jul 31, 2013)

Sometimes INFJs just withdraw. INFJs takes personal space in a extreme way, and need to be completely alone, not even the feeling that a person might be near. They start losing themselves, and pull away from people to find themselves. They have to be apart and not think about others. It is healthy. 

So maybe he has strong feelings, is losing himself in you, and needs to be careful. Pulling away can be a good way to maintain a healthy relationship.


----------



## Doom (Oct 25, 2010)

This is just a bit too creepy.


----------



## Bricolage (Jul 29, 2012)

sarahsarah said:


> Hello, I don't know if i am posting this in the right category, I apologize If I'm not. I have been hanging out with an INFJ for almost 4 months and when we met we immediately felt an intense attraction towards eachother. I have always wanted to be with him. We both argued for a little while (as if we were dating lol) he wasn't being sweet to me and I decided to go on a date with someone else. Which drove him nuts. But we ended up just giving in and trying again. This time has been really great. Our attraction towards eachother is so intense, it's like nothing I've ever felt before. It's not just physical, it's emotional, mental, spiritual, and sexual. I can tell he feels the same. He finally asked me to be his girlfriend, always mentioning that it wasn't a fling and that he takes our relationship seriously. I am very commited to him, and try to give him space and not smother him. He had been very, very sweet and caring to me most of the time. I will admit that he is difficult sometimes but he always makes it up to me. A couple weeks ago he told me that he could see me with him in the future, with our kids (we are both single parents) in a house. And i was so happy he felt so strongly about me. I fell for him so hard! Last time I went over to his place I could tell he was thinking something so I asked him what he was thinking about and looked me in my eyes (that damn gaze lol) and said "i love you." i told him i loved him too, and it was a very sweet moment for me. because ive never told anyone that and meant it with every part of me. he said he was scared to tell me because he didn't want to scare me away. i told him when he expressed his feelings it made me closer to him and not farther away  and then he dragged me to some stupid haunted house and i got freaked out and we had awesome sex. it was perfect lol.i haven't seen him in person since then but for the past 3 days he has seem to have withdrawn himself and isn't acting the same... he seems less sweet now like hes going through an internal shit like he has before but they usually don't last longer than one day. he all of a sudden doesn't want to really talk to me. and said that i complain too much. i am trying to have faith in our relationship but i could use some reassurance from other INFJS on whats going on in his head? is everything okay?? will it be okay? I love him and am trippin out. trying to have faith in our relationship but i could use some advice so i don't ruminate


The title called this song to mind. Now I'm laughing my ass off but I realize you may have a serious problem.


----------



## starryskies (Jul 26, 2013)

I think maybe he has scared himself by telling you he loves you. Maybe he didn't even realize that until he said it and now he is struggling with the realization that he has relinquished some control to you and put himself in a vulnerable position. I think he just needs some space, to come to the realization that this is a good thing not a bad thing. We have to be vulnerable to fall in love and it can be scary sometimes.

Try your best to be strong for the next few days, I feel for you, I know it can be hard but I really think it's best to let him have his space and be the one to come to you when he's ready. When he does reassure him of your affection but don't pressure him, he will come around and realize how lucky he is to have you in his life.

However, if he plays this game with you all the time (giving and then withdrawing affection at his own desire), think carefully about what it will be like to have a long term relationship. Some people play emotional games and you deserve better than that.

Right now you just have to have faith that this is a temporary freakout and it will be worth riding it out in the end.


----------



## Sai (Sep 3, 2012)

@sarahsarah relax, he just needs alone time. I know its hard for ENFPs to understand that, but us INFJs need to be alone sometimes. If he spends 5 days with you, he will need at least other 5 days to recharge. It doesnt mean there is something wrong with you, he just needs to figure stuff alone. You will need to get used to him doing that because thats they way he works.


----------



## PandaBear (Jul 2, 2013)

There are many factors that could be going on in his head. He is probably really reassessing himself emotionally. It should be okay for him right now to be alone just to think. Of course, I can't tell you what is happening in his head though because I don't know too much about his life. If let's say more than a month he has been in this withdrawn state, then I would go up to him and talk about it. When you do talk to him, I would be honest about it but not too blunt. It's not like I want you to gloss this over; nevertheless, this conversation shouldn't feel like you or him are intimidated by each other!
I really hope this helps. If not, you might want to post this thread on the INFJ community.GOOD LUCK!


----------



## sarahsarah (Aug 2, 2013)

How is it creepy?


----------



## sarahscriptor (Aug 2, 2013)

I don't think a typical INFJ would ever say they loved someone and not mean it...especially if he said it first. We are introverts, though it can apparently appear that we are not & we need "me" time and "zone out" from time to time especially when we are stressed or working out a problem.


----------



## sarahsarah (Aug 2, 2013)

Thanks everyone! I talked to him. Everythings fine... you guys were right he just wanted to be a lone haha. I saw him last night and we are okay. So thank you!!


----------



## Doom (Oct 25, 2010)

sarahsarah said:


> How is it creepy?


My current situation is very similar.


----------



## sarahsarah (Aug 2, 2013)

Damn thats crazy. If you don't mind me asking... how? Are you dating an enfp?


----------



## Van Meter (Sep 28, 2012)

I never meshed very well with Enfps long term, but they make good fun.


----------



## Trevur (Aug 10, 2013)

I'm just going to come out and say it; people who are too outgoing and in my face all the time will very quickly drain my life away and I will become a little kitty cat desiring a nice comfy windowsill to look out of. Toning things down and giving plenty of space is always a good idea. Also, pushing to do a lot of activities can be highly annoying. I'm not sure what his likes and dislikes are, but as for dates, I would recommend doing things that are very one on one where light conversation can be initiated and thoroughly enjoyed. I'm a dork, but I really enjoyed painting pottery with my girlfriend in this really cool, quiet little shop in town. We talked when we had something to say, painted, and just had an overall great time. I'm not recommending you do that, but it gives you an example of some nice INFJ vibes. (or what I assume to be INFJ vibes)


----------



## visionarypioneer (Dec 7, 2013)

Joshua.E said:


> Sometimes INFJs just withdraw. INFJs takes personal space in a extreme way, and need to be completely alone, not even the feeling that a person might be near. They start losing themselves, and pull away from people to find themselves. They have to be apart and not think about others. It is healthy.
> 
> So maybe he has strong feelings, is losing himself in you, and needs to be careful. Pulling away can be a good way to maintain a healthy relationship.


Wow this is a great example of me falling for enfp girl. I just felt like my mind has rather is being warped everything is upside down and need time to process. I feel bad because she makes it hard not to think about her and she feels like I don't care about her. When in fact I not to sound cliché but I care too much to mess things up.sorry to vent like that.


----------



## SiennaO (Aug 14, 2014)

visionarypioneer said:


> Wow this is a great example of me falling for enfp girl. I just felt like my mind has rather is being warped everything is upside down and need time to process. I feel bad because she makes it hard not to think about her and she feels like I don't care about her. When in fact I not to sound cliché but I care too much to mess things up.sorry to vent like that.


Sorry to change subject slightly (and so late, haha) but I'm having a bit of a situation with an INFJ guy at the moment. So visionarypioneer, would you ever look like you're ignoring a girl because you need your space when to her it looks like you don't care/are being a douche? haha


----------



## visionarypioneer (Dec 7, 2013)

SiennaO said:


> Sorry to change subject slightly (and so late, haha) but I'm having a bit of a situation with an INFJ guy at the moment. So visionarypioneer, would you ever look like you're ignoring a girl because you need your space when to her it looks like you don't care/are being a douche? haha


Oh wow! I had a similar encounter like this and know all too well what your INFJ is going through. Long story short one day I was needing extra alone time for 10-15 min before class. She thought because I was in my aloof/ head in the clouds state of mind that I was purposely neglecting her. In reality I was simply taking care of myself. This way when class begins I can be fully engaged into the AWESOME conversations we always have. We must have said that word at least 10 times within the first few minutes of meeting each other.haha. So to answer your question yes to the outside world I may be perceived as a “douche” if I don’t get my alone time. GOOD LUCK!


----------



## SiennaO (Aug 14, 2014)

visionarypioneer said:


> Oh wow! I had a similar encounter like this and know all too well what your INFJ is going through. Long story short one day I was needing extra alone time for 10-15 min before class. She thought because I was in my aloof/ head in the clouds state of mind that I was purposely neglecting her. In reality I was simply taking care of myself. This way when class begins I can be fully engaged into the AWESOME conversations we always have. We must have said that word at least 10 times within the first few minutes of meeting each other.haha. So to answer your question yes to the outside world I may be perceived as a “douche” if I don’t get my alone time. GOOD LUCK!


Thanks so much for replying! Another question, if I may...does this extend to messaging? He has done this a few times but more recently, there was one instance where he recommended a book and I was going to read it anyway, but read it sooner as he suggested it. Anyway I finish the book and am dying to talk to him about it...and no reply for 2 weeks now. At the same time he suggested helping me with something I'm struggling with currently, and I messaged him asking for his help maybe within the week. Again, nothing. It's very confusing.


----------



## 51sth (Apr 1, 2012)

sarahsarah said:


> Hello, I don't know if i am posting this in the right category, I apologize If I'm not. I have been hanging out with an INFJ for almost 4 months and when we met we immediately felt an intense attraction towards eachother. I have always wanted to be with him. We both argued for a little while (as if we were dating lol) he wasn't being sweet to me and I decided to go on a date with someone else. Which drove him nuts. But we ended up just giving in and trying again. This time has been really great. Our attraction towards eachother is so intense, it's like nothing I've ever felt before. It's not just physical, it's emotional, mental, spiritual, and sexual. I can tell he feels the same. He finally asked me to be his girlfriend, always mentioning that it wasn't a fling and that he takes our relationship seriously. I am very commited to him, and try to give him space and not smother him. He had been very, very sweet and caring to me most of the time. I will admit that he is difficult sometimes but he always makes it up to me. A couple weeks ago he told me that he could see me with him in the future, with our kids (we are both single parents) in a house. And i was so happy he felt so strongly about me. I fell for him so hard! Last time I went over to his place I could tell he was thinking something so I asked him what he was thinking about and looked me in my eyes (that damn gaze lol) and said "i love you." i told him i loved him too, and it was a very sweet moment for me. because ive never told anyone that and meant it with every part of me. he said he was scared to tell me because he didn't want to scare me away. i told him when he expressed his feelings it made me closer to him and not farther away  and then he dragged me to some stupid haunted house and i got freaked out and we had awesome sex. it was perfect lol.i haven't seen him in person since then but for the past 3 days he has seem to have withdrawn himself and isn't acting the same... he seems less sweet now like hes going through an internal shit like he has before but they usually don't last longer than one day. he all of a sudden doesn't want to really talk to me. and said that i complain too much. i am trying to have faith in our relationship but i could use some reassurance from other INFJS on whats going on in his head? is everything okay?? will it be okay? I love him and am trippin out. trying to have faith in our relationship but i could use some advice so i don't ruminate


I only read this post of yours, but if I think this as an INFJ male I would have probably done the same as your boyfriend. In the same situation I would have thought that when I have this kind of assurance, someone saying "I love you" and a good sex, I could finally have some time of my own. I could trust that someone more. It's a good sign if your boyfriend doesn't start to keep you as someone obvious. So it is a sign of trust.


----------



## visionarypioneer (Dec 7, 2013)

SiennaO said:


> Thanks so much for replying! Another question, if I may...does this extend to messaging? He has done this a few times but more recently, there was one instance where he recommended a book and I was going to read it anyway, but read it sooner as he suggested it. Anyway I finish the book and am dying to talk to him about it...and no reply for 2 weeks now. At the same time he suggested helping me with something I'm struggling with currently, and I messaged him asking for his help maybe within the week. Again, nothing. It's very confusing.


Yes it definitely applies to messaging, but I never waited more than the next morning.The book referral is a good sign
he must really like you.This seems out of character I remember dying with anticipation and was so glad when we 
discussed the book. If it's alright with you I would like to know more about the situation. Is there anything in 
particular going on in his life that may be causing him distress?


----------



## SiennaO (Aug 14, 2014)

*Edit*



visionarypioneer said:


> Yes it definitely applies to messaging, but I never waited more than the next morning.The book referral is a good sign
> he must really like you.This seems out of character I remember dying with anticipation and was so glad when we
> discussed the book. If it's alright with you I would like to know more about the situation. Is there anything in
> particular going on in his life that may be causing him distress?


Yeah I'm pretty sure if we were face to face he'd be super enthusiastic as he has been previously. But still, haha. Well he is currently getting counselling for a couple of issues, not mental illness though...and actually, he seems at ease discussing his sessions with me even though he wouldn't usually I don't think.


----------



## visionarypioneer (Dec 7, 2013)

SiennaO said:


> Yeah I'm pretty sure if we were face to face he'd be super enthusiastic as he has been previously. But still, haha. Well he is currently getting counselling for a couple of issues, not mental illness though...and actually, he seems at ease discussing his sessions with me even though he wouldn't usually I don't think.


The counseling sessions are probably his main focus so he probably can’t devote as much time as he would like. He’s definitely making an effort to spend time with you but he’s probably comfortable taking things slow. My guess is that this experience with you is still very new and just needs some adjusting on his part…if that makes sense. Personally, I had been so use to living in my cave/ice castle that when the sunshine came it was without warning. Like I’ve got all these barriers and you guys somehow magically teleport into our home like it was nothing. I just hope you don’t think that you’ve done something wrong. If anything you’ve probably given him a gift and he’s not really sure what to do with it. Hope this helps a bit .


----------



## TwinAnthos (Aug 11, 2014)

INFJ tells ENFP girlfriend he loves her then... gets slapped . 
I thought that would be the continuation. Sorry :laughing: I'm not really helping am I?


----------



## SiennaO (Aug 14, 2014)

visionarypioneer said:


> The counseling sessions are probably his main focus so he probably can’t devote as much time as he would like. He’s definitely making an effort to spend time with you but he’s probably comfortable taking things slow. My guess is that this experience with you is still very new and just needs some adjusting on his part…if that makes sense. Personally, I had been so use to living in my cave/ice castle that when the sunshine came it was without warning. Like I’ve got all these barriers and you guys somehow magically teleport into our home like it was nothing. I just hope you don’t think that you’ve done something wrong. If anything you’ve probably given him a gift and he’s not really sure what to do with it. Hope this helps a bit .


Yeah we have been friends for a long while but this whole thing has come very suddenly, even for me. Ahh that's such a cute way to put it haha.


----------

