# Help! Anybody have experience with suicidal female?



## Ewok City (Sep 21, 2020)

_Note: This post contains topic that is quite negative, so please don't read it unless you're sure you won't be emotionally affected. 

I wrote this at 6AM in the morning. I haven't slept for almost 24 hours. So please forgive me if it lacks clarity or structure. I don't know who else I should ask for advice, so I have resorted to this forum. I'm really desperate for any inputs right now. _

So I've been talking to this female friend of mine, she has suffered a lot, but let's just say that she has an extremely troubled past. She has told me several times that she wants to commit suicide. She has sent me photos of her cut wrist, and pool of blood in the basin. Sometimes she would smash her head at the wall or the table until it bleeds. Her parents doesn't care, even though this has caused her to be hospitalized several times.

Now, things have started to change since I called her regularly. She has gotten cheerful, she start taking care of her health more, and she has set goals for herself at work.

Unfortunately because of that, she has grown extremely reliant on me. This is not good, since I'm at an important point in my life myself. I really need all the time and attention to focus on doing my own stuff. My next 10 years is decided on the amount of effort I'm putting in now.

She has told me several times that she wants to marry me (she's still 21 and I'm 26 btw, also we're not dating at the first place). But especially today, she was really serious about it. Then after I rejected her, things went wrong so quickly, and she returned to her old, suicidal self. She then told me that the only thing that will stop her from committing suicide now is for me to be her fake boyfriend. I managed to convince her that I need about one week time to think about it, and she's waiting for my reply.

I have never dealt with this kind of situation before, and I feel like I'm walking on egg shells now. I really don't have time for this, but I'm also extremely worried that she will really commit suicide. But if she is just doing all this for the sake of drama, then sacrificing my future prospects for all of this is totally unacceptable.

If you've read up to this point, I'm really thankful for it. You don't have to offer any solutions if you can't think of any, this is a really tricky situation. But I'd appreciate some perspective, so that I might be able to come up with something. 

What would you say to her if you were in my position? Do you think she's just manipulating me?


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## BenevolentBitterBleeding (Mar 16, 2015)

What does being a fake boyfriend entail? Can you handle that? If not, you should just gtfo asap and worry about yourself. You're not responsible and you can't care for everyone that needs it. Please don't make yourself and your life suffer over another person's problems that at the heart of it, you're unable to fully resolve either way. That'll just be two lives wasted.


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## JimT (May 31, 2010)

Sounds like you set yourself up as an enabler/codependent, and now she's using her mental problems to commit emotional abuse: To force you to do what she wants and to push you into a relationship that you don't want.

Basically you're not trained to handle this stuff. You need to push back and get her into a treatment situation, where trained counselors know how to deal with suicidal people.

Do a web search on "how do I deal with a suicidal friend." You'll get lots of mental health sites that will walk you through the steps. Here's one such site: How to Cope with a Suicidal Partner | HealthyPlace

And in the future, don't enable: Don't do stuff for others that they should be doing for themselves.

(I am not a shrink, so I'm just pulling my advice out of my ass. Seek professional assistance.)


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## Ewok City (Sep 21, 2020)

Thank you so much for your inputs! :') 



BenevolentBitterBleeding said:


> Please don't make yourself and your life suffer over another person's problems that at the heart of it, you're unable to fully resolve either way.


I totally agree with this point. I really wish that one day she would also understand about this fact and stop thinking of me as her saviour. 



JimT said:


> And in the future, don't enable: Don't do stuff for others that they should be doing for themselves.


Yes.. As much as I would feel guilty, I think I will not set up myself in this kind of situation anymore.. At least not until I'm more stable with more extra time to kill.


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## BenevolentBitterBleeding (Mar 16, 2015)

Ewok City said:


> I totally agree with this point. I really wish that one day she would also understand about this fact and stop thinking of me as her saviour.


You have to also remember that they're only 21, and just might not mentally be as aware of themself/situation; so you should give a bit benefit of the doubt. Like, even if they're 'manipulating' the situation, they a) honestly might not recognize that they're doing that, or b) be in a place where they aren't ready to accept additional faults on top of whatever else they've got going on. Helping in this kind of scenario could have very bad and lasting outcomes for them too, like say you unintentionally break their mind/worldview/whatever...


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## Ewok City (Sep 21, 2020)

BenevolentBitterBleeding said:


> You have to also remember that they're only 21, and just might not mentally be as aware of themself/situation; so you should give a bit benefit of the doubt.


I think so too, she has a tendency to be unaware of what her actions cause to others. Also, the last few times when she told she wants to kill herself, she told me she is scared. I really hope that that's a good sign.


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## IamAlexa (Jan 28, 2021)

Ewok City said:


> _Note: This post contains topic that is quite negative, so please don't read it unless you're sure you won't be emotionally affected.
> 
> I wrote this at 6AM in the morning. I haven't slept for almost 24 hours. So please forgive me if it lacks clarity or structure. I don't know who else I should ask for advice, so I have resorted to this forum. I'm really desperate for any inputs right now. _
> 
> ...


That's a very tough situation  you have put yourself into.

I must say you are a really very good person. I know it feels too bad because if she commits suicide, then you will be blaming yourself.

1. Maybe telling her parents your whole situation would help!
2. Do disgusting things so that she would not like you. So that she loses any attraction.
3. Convincing her to go to psychologist and if she disagrees, then maybe you can also take her to a psychologist.
4. Or maybe convincing her parents that she should go to a psychologist.


This situation will require a lot of diplomacy and carefulness.
*What I see is, "she is not mentally well enough. She may even become destructive for other people as well".
She needs a psychologist. This behaviour is not normal at all. *


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## BenevolentBitterBleeding (Mar 16, 2015)

Ewok City said:


> Also, the last few times when she told she wants to kill herself, she told me she is scared. I really hope that that's a good sign.


Could be they've been doing it so long now that it's become one of a small number of ways they know how to communicate with others. Whatever you decide, be kind but firm.


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## Ewok City (Sep 21, 2020)

IamAlexa said:


> That's a very tough situation  you have put yourself into.


Thank you so much for your input! This really means a lot. 
 



IamAlexa said:


> What I see is, "she is not mentally well enough. She may even become destructive for other people as well".
> She needs a psychologist. This behaviour is not normal at all.


Yes.. This is something that I have refused to believe, up until today when she threatened me that she would jump off the balcony.

I'll try to be diplomatic and see if she could get any help, from someone we both know maybe. I think I know someone who is a psychiatrist.


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## IamAlexa (Jan 28, 2021)

@Ewok City Talk openly about the situation with real life friends. They will provide the best perspective. 
Talk to whoever you can trust and talk to, whether it be your relative or friend or maybe an acquaintance who is caring/kind enough. 

You really need to talk to some real people out there. 

Its not an easy situation for you. And you should not be going through this kind of crap at 26 years of age. 
Ger yourself out of it! 

Next time, don't be emotional, and rather try to see whether she is manipulating you or she is speaking truth. 

Get out of this situation asap.


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## Ewok City (Sep 21, 2020)

BenevolentBitterBleeding said:


> Could be they've been doing it so long now that it's become one of a small number of ways they know how to communicate with others.


You're right actually. She has been behaving weirdly whenever I'm about to hang up the phone. Everytime I wanted to end the call, she told me that she can't promise that she'll pick up again next time I call.


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## Ewok City (Sep 21, 2020)

IamAlexa said:


> Talk openly about the situation with real life friends. They will provide the best perspective.
> Talk to whoever you can trust and talk to, whether it be your relative or friend or maybe an acquaintance who is caring/kind enough.


Yes.. 😢

Initially I didn't want to talk to my friends because I'm worried that I might be burdening them with my problems. But I think I really need to reach out now, you're right!


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## Electra (Oct 24, 2014)

Ewok City said:


> _Note: This post contains topic that is quite negative, so please don't read it unless you're sure you won't be emotionally affected.
> 
> I wrote this at 6AM in the morning. I haven't slept for almost 24 hours. So please forgive me if it lacks clarity or structure. I don't know who else I should ask for advice, so I have resorted to this forum. I'm really desperate for any inputs right now. _
> 
> ...


Maybe oxytocin (a hormone) is driving her to become addicted to you, but it could also be that she can't get a job or provide for her self. A third option is that she might be in love. My suggestion is to help her become independent and make it absolutely clear you are just a friend and if she can¨t settle for that then leave her. Offcouse sex is out of the picture ( I know I should not even have to say that, but just saing it anyway in case she tries to push you. Sex, cuddle and lovey dovey will only produce more oxytocin which is an addivtive love hormone you can get from closeness, hugs, staring people deep into the eyes, giving a baby milk, sex, etc.) It might be that she can't provide for her self because of gender bias in her country. The long term solution is gender equality. The short term solution is education and society care I think...?? Most people probably becomes desperate when they don't have food and has starving relatives, etc.


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## Electra (Oct 24, 2014)

Ewok City said:


> Thank you so much for your input! This really means a lot.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


This is not your responsability! She needs to talk with a professional that she has chemistry with.


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## cynfalyn (Jan 24, 2021)

You really can't fix other people, the biggest trouble I've ever gotten into is trying to do that. Codependents are looking for someone to take the world off their shoulders. She def needs some sort of codependence counseling if she can't take care of her own affairs and wants to lean on you. Tell her that you care, and her mental health is important to you, but you are not equipped to help a suicidal person. Just to relax her about things, tell her that you can be her fake boyfriend _in her mind_ if she wants to. (This is simply to redirect her attention, she didn't ask you to be her real boyfriend, so play along with the fake thing for a little.) Don't tell her you are never really going to be her boyfriend.) Tell her it is going to be many many years before you decide to marry someone, and that who ever that person is, you will be looking for a stable minded, productive person to raise children. I think she just wants a fake relationship anyway, you can temporarily give her that, and then dude, no matter what she does, it is on her. Point her towards help. But, you (or any of us) are truly not equipped to handle someone who is threatening suicide. Hate to say it, but slowly slowly slowly back away from people when you sense they are mental. We can't help them, as much as we might even want to. I don't know if what I said is even right, but I have no idea what to do with someone who is throwing that on you. You could keep delaying her as well, in a week, you could say that you are still trying to figure it out. But, you are not responsible for fixing her, she is a mess, but no matter what happens, it's not your fault. Good luck and hope you can delay her, and redirect her away from you.


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## Ewok City (Sep 21, 2020)

Thanks for the input @Electra! 



Electra said:


> Maybe oxytocin (a hormone) is driving her to become addicted to you


That might be a possibility. Now that I think about it, maybe she looks to me as a source of oxytocin.


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## IamAlexa (Jan 28, 2021)

Electra said:


> Maybe oxytocin (a hormone) is driving her to become addicted to you, but it could also be that she can't get a job or provide for her self. A third option is that she might be in love. My suggestion is to help her become independent and make it absolutely clear you are just a friend and if she can¨t settle for that then leave her. Offcouse sex is out of the picture ( I know I should not even have to say that, but just saing it anyway in case she tries to push you. Sex, cuddle and lovey dovey will only produce more oxytocin which is an addivtive love hormone you can get from closeness, hugs, staring people deep into the eyes, giving a baby milk, sex, etc.) It might be that she can't provide for her self because of gender bias in her country. The long term solution is gender equality. The short term solution is education and society care I think...?? Most people probably becomes desperate when they don't have food and has starving relatives, etc.


It has nothing to do with gender inequality! 
This is not a normal situation. She needs someone who can treat her mentally, not just motivate or cheer her up.

Cheering her up won't help. She really needs a psychologist. 
I agree at your point that including other things like sex would make the situation more difficult for both of them. 

They need to limit contact. The situation is not good for both of them. 

A person in love doesn't do these kind of things. She was also suicidal before she was in love. Her suicidal tendencies,...even showing him pictures of cut wrists, etc.. were from the beginning itself, even when she wasn't in love. 
This is something really serious that is being taken very lightly.


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## Ewok City (Sep 21, 2020)

cynfalyn said:


> Just to relax her about things, tell her that you can be her fake boyfriend _in her mind_ if she wants to.


That's a good input. She did tell me that she's fine if I lie to her about it, at least until she's mentally strong enough. 



cynfalyn said:


> Hate to say it, but slowly slowly slowly back away from people when you sense they are mental. We can't help them, as much as we might want to.


I agree.. This is something that deep down I know, but I really needed the affirmation that I'm not evil or soulless for doing it. So thank you so much for it!  



IamAlexa said:


> They need to limit contact. The situation is not good for both of them.


I agree.. Things are a bit tricky now, but luckily she knows that I will be quite busy next month. She was quite understanding and told me that she would be fine if I couldn't contact her regularly.


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## IamAlexa (Jan 28, 2021)

Ewok City said:


> That's a good input. She did tell me that she's fine if I lie to her about it, at least until she's mentally strong enough.
> 
> 
> I agree.. This is something that deep down I know, but I really needed the affirmation that I'm not evil or soulless for doing it. So thank you so much for it!
> ...


But be aware that things are really unpredictable. So try to get away from this situation asap. 
You never know that when her mind changes and then she would again be like "I want to marry or I will die now". 

Its already giving you sleepless nights. Talk to your friends asap. Get out of the situation.


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## Ewok City (Sep 21, 2020)

IamAlexa said:


> But be aware that things are really unpredictable. So try to get away from this situation asap.
> You never know that when her mind changes and then she would again be like "I want to marry or I will die now".


You're right.. She's really unpredictable.

Thank you so much for the input!  I'm a bit calmer now, and I hope she is as well. I called her just now but she didn't pick up. I hope she's just asleep.


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## lilysocks (Nov 7, 2012)

If she's doing it for the attention, she does need help.


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## MisterYellowFace (Jan 22, 2021)

I am convinced that this is drama, attachment to you, unforgiving thoughts, and no sense of sympathy for herself. In a way she is using you as an outlet and once you said no she decided to unplug herself from you. Leaving her thinking the way she was before. The drama comes in on the part of being in love with you and wanting to marry you. Giving in would validate her drama. So I am not saying that you should have said yes. Therefore my best advice for you is to be her outlet, show her love, but don't say an absolute yes or no to one of her drama questions for you. You should keep showing her love and then slowly narrow it down to the friend level. Help her to find love for herself without straight out telling her about finding love for herself. You should clear up with her about saying no. And tell her you don't know if you're ready to marry her yet, but maybe. Then from there, it is a matter of slowly and subtly chipping the drama away until you and her are great friends again. It is a process. She will eventually discard the silly comments like will you marry me or we should be more than friends as you are weedling them away subtly. However, it is important to keep showing her love and helping her find love for herself throughout the whole process to prevent her from inflicting damage on herself. And be careful cause she will try to manipulate the relationship. Negotiation and not letting her manipulate your relationship is vital. And by negotiation what I mean is let's say slightly manipulating or nudging her manipulations. If something goes wrong you can try this again and reach out to her. My brother has had this kind of a situation with a very turbulent woman he dated and then became friends with. In a way, this is like getting someone off of alcohol who is dangerously addicted to it. Letting them keep at it is dangerous, as is taking them off of it too fast. Letting her keep it up, would cause her to manipulate you and make both of your lives miserable and full of stress. Stopping her completely would cause her to be even more turbulent and a danger to herself. Remember slowly and subtly. Hope this helps. Bye!


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## MisterYellowFace (Jan 22, 2021)

lilysocks said:


> If she's doing it for the attention, she does need help.


Precisely my point. She is doing both.


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## MisterYellowFace (Jan 22, 2021)

lilysocks said:


> If she's doing it for the attention, she does need help.


She needs help from you, because of the fact that she ✌needs✌ you.


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## Ewok City (Sep 21, 2020)

Wylie said:


> Letting them keep at it is dangerous, as is taking them off of it too fast. Letting her keep it up, would cause her to manipulate you and make both of your lives miserable and full of stress. Stopping her completely would cause her to be even more turbulent and a danger to herself. Remember slowly and subtly.


Exactly! I always feel like I'm walking on egg shells. 

Personally I'm quite tolerant to her tantrums and emotional outbursts, but I'm just worried that it's taking too much of my time, that could have been used for something more productive. 

Thanks for the advice!


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## Necrofantasia (Feb 26, 2014)

Ewok City said:


> _Note: This post contains topic that is quite negative, so please don't read it unless you're sure you won't be emotionally affected.
> 
> I wrote this at 6AM in the morning. I haven't slept for almost 24 hours. So please forgive me if it lacks clarity or structure. I don't know who else I should ask for advice, so I have resorted to this forum. I'm really desperate for any inputs right now. _
> 
> ...


I'd argue holding her own life hostage to extort you into a relationship counts as manipulation yes. 
This is the reddest flag in existence. Introduce the idea that a relationship founded on suicide threats and extortion is not good for either of you and go no contact. 

There's no love in doing that to someone, it's just parasitism, codependency.


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## Electra (Oct 24, 2014)

Think about it this way; if you turn suicidal; would you want someone to call for help for you? It is a great gift that might save her life. If she doesn't leave you alone then I suggest you leave for a while. You can write her a post card to tell you are ok, but don't tell her where you are so she can stalk you. And if she calls you all the time, then don't pick up the phone. Love is very addictive so she might need to go cold turkey like a heroin user who needs to get of heroin. It is scientificly proven with serious studies that love works in the same area in the brain as the narcotic drug cocaine.


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## lilysocks (Nov 7, 2012)

Ewok City said:


> Personally I'm quite tolerant to her tantrums and emotional outbursts, but I'm just worried that it's taking too much of my time, that could have been used for something more productive.


I get this sense you have some investment in participating in whatever this is, so doesn't sound to me like you're ready to cut that cord from your own end. 

I won't go so far as to say you take a benefit from all this drama and being the secondary centre of it, but you certainly don't seem willing at this point to hand off your 'helper' role to a professional, and go back to just being an ordinary outsider again. 

I'll be upfront that I think this is irresponsible and self indulgent, because imo eventually you will cut her off and the fallout is likely to be in proportion to how long you wait. But I do hope it works out on all sides.


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## Ewok City (Sep 21, 2020)

lilysocks said:


> I get this sense you have some investment in participating in whatever this is, so doesn't sound to me like you're ready to cut that cord from your own end.


Not really, to be honest the only reason why I'm playing along is out of genuine concern that she might actually kill herself. She's in the perfect situation to do so: under quarantine, just cut off all of her social circles, spend most of her time alone at home, and have access to various dangerous tools / places. 

Her mom has also told her about how troublesome it is too carry and give birth to a child, and that if she could go back in time she will not give birth to her. 



lilysocks said:


> you certainly don't seem willing at this point to hand off your 'helper' role to a professional, and go back to just being an ordinary outsider again.


I am actually very willing to do so. The reason why I said I'm tolerant to her tantrums is because I'm not easily affected by other people's negative emotions in general. 



lilysocks said:


> I'll be upfront that I think this is irresponsible and self indulgent, because imo eventually you will cut her off and the fallout is likely to be in proportion to how long you wait. But I do hope it works out on all sides.


I agree. I hope she'll be the one who cuts me off though, I would feel less guilty that way. Thank you for the warnings!


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

She might cut you out of her life if you call the cops on her when she's suicidal? So it'd be a win win--eventually she'd either stop or she would be like "screw this guy, I'm tired of having the cops come check on my welfare--fake-boyfriend-dumping him!"

Though I see why you would feel apprehensive about that. And I don't envy you. But you really only have very few choices that are remotely acceptable. You're between a rock and a hard place.

To me, the reasonable options are to say a nice goodbye and go no contact, or to call the law enforcement where she lives and report every time she's suicidal so they do a welfare check on her.


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## Ewok City (Sep 21, 2020)

WickerDeer said:


> She might cut you out of her life if you call the cops on her when she's suicidal? So it'd be a win win--eventually she'd either stop or she would be like "screw this guy, I'm tired of having the cops come check on my welfare--fake-boyfriend-dumping him!"


Yes, definitely. I didn't contact the cops but I did get her mom's number, and the security guard downstairs. 



WickerDeer said:


> Though I see why you would feel apprehensive about that. And I don't envy you.


Hahaha T-T 

Thank you for your advice!


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## Ewok City (Sep 21, 2020)

So for everyone who has posted in this thread, if you're still reading this, I would like to thank all of you once again. 

I called her again last night, and we talked it out nicely. Ironically, I was being quite harsh to her but it works out quite well. 

Turns out that she was just trying to get my attention after all. I think she's almost over her suicidal phase now, she's still slightly depressed but she has something to look forward to in life now. 

She said the reason why she was angry is because I didn't even give her a chance, and completely rejected her. I told her that her behavior was immature, and that she might not realise it but it sounded like she's manipulating and coercing me. 

She understood it and apologised to me. Then I told her that we need some healthy boundaries, so she agreed to reduce the frequency of the calls and texts. 

I wouldn't have taken the harsh approach if not because of the affirmation that I get from you guys. So once again, thank you for taking the time to help!


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## IamAlexa (Jan 28, 2021)

Ewok City said:


> So for everyone who has posted in this thread, if you're still reading this, I would like to thank all of you once again.
> 
> I called her again last night, and we talked it out nicely. Ironically, I was being quite harsh to her but it works out quite well.
> 
> ...


How is everything now?


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## Ewok City (Sep 21, 2020)

IamAlexa said:


> How is everything now?


Hi, thanks for checking up on the situation! 

She seems to be getting stable right now. I talked to her about seeking a professional help, and she told me that she has actually visited one before. 

She said that there was a time where she got overly reliant on medications to calm herself, so she wanted use it only during emergencies. 

She has enrolled to a university overseas, and she seems to be looking forward to starting a new life there. It's starting in about 4 months, and I think by that time, she'll be ready to start a new page in her life!  

Once again, thank you for all the advices that you have shared with me. ☺ I really appreciate it.


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## IamAlexa (Jan 28, 2021)

Ewok City said:


> Hi, thanks for checking up on the situation!
> 
> She seems to be getting stable right now. I talked to her about seeking a professional help, and she told me that she has actually visited one before.
> 
> ...


Awesome! Happy for you.


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## Ewok City (Sep 21, 2020)

IamAlexa said:


> Awesome! Happy for you.


Thank you so much! 

Cheers~ 😄


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