# Where do I find the kind of guys I seek?



## impulsenine (Oct 18, 2020)

Bella2016 said:


> because then you have too much competition and when you have that much competition he's likely to cheat on you.


Exactly.
Refuse excellence because it implies competition and you might be sidelined. 

Does this thinking take you any further than the 157th place?
It doesn't seem to me that you are starting from a healthy premise. 



rosesandgold said:


> I seem to not be able to meet the kind of men I would want to be around. Online men are just so negative and I do understand it, I do. But I am trying to have a positive attitude.
> 
> Where do I find men who are compassionate, understanding, great with communication, emotionally intelligent, confident, ambitious, driven, charming, witty, who care about what happens in the world, who fight for what they believe in, who want to inspire change and progress, who are passionate?
> 
> ...


My question for you is: sure what you say you want from a partner you wouldn't want ... from you? Because I think so. But because you don't have them yet and you think you can't have them: you want to be "completed" by someone else who already has them. 
If that's the case: it may work, but I don't think it's the best solution.

I don't think you should give up what you want, and I'm not a fan of "what do you bring to the table? You have to bring both as much." 

This is not the basis of a functional relationship. Because in a relationship it's about TWO at least and how they work together, it's not about each individual. 

2 perfect individuals can be as hell in a relationship, 2 individuals as hell can be perfect in a relationship. The rules of mathematics are not followed when it comes to interpersonal relationships. There are other rules that go beyond logic.


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## rosesandgold (Jun 12, 2015)

IamAlexa said:


> I guess a better and sustainable method would be :- To ask such kind of people (Enfj) that what kind of girl they desire.
> And then try to be that kind of woman. So, this way whenever such a person (Enfj) would see you, he will automatically get attracted to you. And then you will not have to do anything to search for such men.
> See, even if you find such a man, still what is the garauntee that such kind of man will stay in your life forever?
> In order to ensure that he stays into your life, you should try to be* "his type of girl" *


Not every ENFJ will want to look for the same things. I don't know if asking around like that is a good idea.


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## rosesandgold (Jun 12, 2015)

Celtsincloset said:


> Most guys: "Don't set the bar too damn high"
> 
> Me: Gets ghosted because I'm all of that, and I try to be myself always.
> 
> To answer your question, just do what's meaningful to you... You're going to attract the right kind of people, your people. And he'll appear, or you will appear to him... Have faith. More socialising will create more opportunities, so don't shy away from that, IF that needs to be said!


Why do you get ghosted? 

I don't really have many socialising opportunities in real life.


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## Crowbo (Jul 9, 2017)

Try Rivendell.


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## rosesandgold (Jun 12, 2015)

impulsenine said:


> Exactly.
> Refuse excellence because it implies competition and you might be sidelined.
> 
> Does this thinking take you any further than the 157th place?
> ...


I would want to see those traits in myself. I think to a lessen degree I posess some of those traits, or I could possess some of those traits, but I think I would need to come out of my shell more and take action for those traits to blossom.


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## Azmar (Jan 3, 2021)

rosesandgold said:


> I seem to not be able to meet the kind of men I would want to be around. Online men are just so negative and I do understand it, I do. But I am trying to have a positive attitude.
> 
> Where do I find men who are compassionate, understanding, great with communication, emotionally intelligent, confident, ambitious, driven, charming, witty, who care about what happens in the world, who fight for what they believe in, who want to inspire change and progress, who are passionate?
> 
> ...


by performing well in whatever you are doing and they will start to see your potential and would definitely widen your path to perform even better..i assume you are an inj


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## Bella2016 (Mar 5, 2013)

impulsenine said:


> Exactly.
> Refuse excellence because it implies competition and you might be sidelined.
> 
> Does this thinking take you any further than the 157th place?
> It doesn't seem to me that you are starting from a healthy premise.


I'm not saying to aim low; quite the opposite.


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## impulsenine (Oct 18, 2020)

Bella2016 said:


> I'm not saying to aim low; quite the opposite.


Okay.


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## HAL (May 10, 2014)

I think 'ambitious and driven' is far too vague. Every woman wants that.

Ambitious, driven, funny, proactive.

These are all very subjective. What if a guy goes to play for his football team each weekend so you don't see him as much as you'd like? Or you just don't like football? He's being ambitious and proactive, but I bet you don't see it that way.

Or maybe he's a super hardcore gamer who plays competitively and attends e-sports competitions, but you just hate spending so much time in front of a screen watching boring video games? 

I think you should just look for someone you like and get on well with.


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## Dreamcatcherplaceboeffect (Dec 24, 2020)

That’s a _really_ big ask. I think to have that many requirements, you have to be that good of a catch—all the things a man would want in a partner, but if you are... read on.

I would try enrolling in a college/university class or even paying for a dating website, so you know the people you meet are taking it seriously.

I don’t know if they have them where you are, but you could also look into a meet up group once we aren’t in the grips of a pandemic anymore. I know where I live, you can find meetup groups for various activities so that might be a good place to meet a more actionable person with a better life outlook.


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## Celtsincloset (Feb 17, 2014)

rosesandgold said:


> Why do you get ghosted?
> 
> I don't really have many socialising opportunities in real life.


I have no idea, I'm even good looking.

Why don't you get much socialising opportunities? Oh that's right. Covid, damn.


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## rosesandgold (Jun 12, 2015)

Celtsincloset said:


> I have no idea, I'm even good looking.
> 
> Why don't you get much socialising opportunities? Oh that's right. Covid, damn.


Well, there is Covid. But also, before that, I have no real life friends and I did not really go out.


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## Celtsincloset (Feb 17, 2014)

rosesandgold said:


> Well, there is Covid. But also, before that, I have no real life friends and I did not really go out.


Not one person you liked from school? Anyway, you'll make new friends; I'm sure there is something that you want to do, or that will sound interesting to you, that will help you meet new people when you go out and do it. There's also work. If you got everything but nothing that gives you this, than you gotta change things up. I'm an ambassador of recreational sport, and it is a wonderful of way of getting your daily dose of fitness, and connecting with a community. What sports are popular in your country?


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## rosesandgold (Jun 12, 2015)

Celtsincloset said:


> Not one person you liked from school? Anyway, you'll make new friends; I'm sure there is something that you want to do, or that will sound interesting to you, that will help you meet new people when you go out and do it. There's also work. If you got everything but nothing that gives you this, than you gotta change things up. I'm an ambassador of recreational sport, and it is a wonderful of way of getting your daily dose of fitness, and connecting with a community. What sports are popular in your country?


Not from school either. For work I tried to make friends with two girls, but it never went anywhere. In my country soccer is quite popular.


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## Celtsincloset (Feb 17, 2014)

rosesandgold said:


> Not from school either. For work I tried to make friends with two girls, but it never went anywhere. In my country soccer is quite popular.


A better question: What is it that you love to do? What is interesting to you?


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## rosesandgold (Jun 12, 2015)

Celtsincloset said:


> A better question: What is it that you love to do? What is interesting to you?


I have been trying to write a book. Though more planning than actually writing. 

I like to talk about society and psychology. I like to discuss books and tv shows.

I am lowkey, really. But I want bigger.


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## Celtsincloset (Feb 17, 2014)

rosesandgold said:


> I have been trying to write a book. Though more planning than actually writing.
> 
> I like to talk about society and psychology. I like to discuss books and tv shows.
> 
> I am lowkey, really. But I want bigger.


I getcha. I reckon writers usually are the types that can be happy loners. But before you write your book, which I hope you do and it will take bloody ages, you probably have to get some more opportunities for face-to-face interaction in your life; if you're telling me you've got no friends or reason to go out. There are writing courses, events relating to writing/publishing, or even about TV. If you've got the right job, yeah you'll be having a lot of similar contacts. 

I had to find new avenues for this, and not all friendships worked out. And I believe if you're doing what is meaningful to you, you'll attract the people who will stay.

Sent from my SM-T510 using Tapatalk


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## islandlight (Aug 13, 2013)

rosesandgold said:


> I seem to not be able to meet the kind of men I would want to be around. Online men are just so negative and I do understand it, I do. But I am trying to have a positive attitude.
> 
> Where do I find men who are compassionate, understanding, great with communication, emotionally intelligent, confident, ambitious, driven, charming, witty, who care about what happens in the world, who fight for what they believe in, who want to inspire change and progress, who are passionate?
> 
> ...


You're interested in writing, so try writers' groups. In person or online. Some writers' groups are locally based, even though they're online. Try googling "Amsterdam writers group" or whatever.

Martial arts. Some members have many of the qualities you're looking for. And in a martial arts setting, you have more opportunities to get to know people than you do in the gym.

Astronomy club. You don't even have to be a member; most are very welcoming to visitors. The nice thing about astronomy is that it attracts science nerds, intelligent non-scientists, and regular people who just want to see Saturn's rings. So you will fit right in, and might meet someone worth meeting.

Toastmasters International. Full of nice respectable businessmen, etc., who want to advance themselves.

Unitarian church. Lots of doctors, professors, etc., who care about the state of the world -- at least that was my observation some years ago. Individual Unitarians' "religious" beliefs vary wildly, so whether you're an atheist or somewhat religious, you'll fit in.

Of course, some of these will be on hold because of the pandemic. Good luck.


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## Whatexists (Jul 26, 2015)

rosesandgold said:


> I seem to not be able to meet the kind of men I would want to be around. Online men are just so negative and I do understand it, I do. But I am trying to have a positive attitude.
> 
> Where do I find men who are compassionate, understanding, great with communication, emotionally intelligent, confident, ambitious, driven, charming, witty, who care about what happens in the world, who fight for what they believe in, who want to inspire change and progress, who are passionate?
> 
> ...


Compassionate, understanding and emotionally intelligent tend to go together often enough to find plenty of people like that. These individuals are likely to care about what happens in the world and want to inspire change and progress.

Confident and charming tend to go together. But tend to waver a lot. Most of the "confident" people I've met have plenty of insecurities and issues that you'd have to deal with if you were to get in an interpersonal relationship with them. 

Ambitious, and driven tend to go together. But the ambitious and driven people I've met many of them struggle with confidence, particularly the ones who are driven to make the world a better place. It doesn't necessarily hold them back from passionately pursuing their goals or anything. 

Communication is its whole own skillset on top of everything else.

Wit is usually a product of good information skills (being "smart" or "observant" or preferably both) and of an underlying playfulness.

That's a lot of high quality traits that are hard for any individual to consistently embody. How much are you willing to deal with underlying baggage, and existential lapses? Like... I'm not sure anyone has all of these qualities all the time. Especially on the timescales of serious interpersonal relationships.


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## Electra (Oct 24, 2014)

rosesandgold said:


> I seem to not be able to meet the kind of men I would want to be around. Online men are just so negative and I do understand it, I do. But I am trying to have a positive attitude.
> 
> Where do I find men who are compassionate, understanding, great with communication, emotionally intelligent, confident, ambitious, driven, charming, witty, who care about what happens in the world, who fight for what they believe in, who want to inspire change and progress, who are passionate?
> 
> ...


Erhm, these qualities generally belong to different types as of now. Generally speaking the theory says that the compassionate, understanding great with communication, emotionally intelligent mainly belongs to the feeler type and the ambitious, driven mainly belongs to the thinker quality. Charming and witty can belong to quite a lot of types I believe. Offcourse there can be exceptions, as people can be both high and low in one or all in estrogen, oxytocin and testosterone.


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