# I never had a group of friends... Is that any common?



## ENTJam (Nov 15, 2010)

Alright, basically, in the social sphere, I am not like your steryotypical high school social guy: I never got invited to parties, I never hung out outside of school.

Why? Well... I was addicted to computer games hehehe. Now I had somewhat of an epiphany... no matter how many hours of computer games I play... they are useless. I mean, they are not like good memories to talk about with people... reading books is way better. I was also perceived as a jerk. I fixed that now.

But anyways... I never had a close group of friends. Never had close friends at all, I guess... but seriously, I never had a close GROUP. You have no idea how lonely I felt sometimes.

Is this common for NTs? Is it just a problem for me?

College is right around the corner... any tips about it? Socially speaking?

Thanks!


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## DeductiveReasoner (Feb 25, 2011)

I hear most NTs (extroverted or introverted) tend to be reclusive during highschool. There's just something about the setup and environment about highschool that we don't adapt to.

Nearly every single NT I've talked to on this site claims that it gets better during college, especially if you're from a small town. I'm only a senior in high school, so I can't speak for my self, though.

I wouldn't sweat it, though. Things can only get better.


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## Empecinado (May 4, 2010)

I never really had a especially "close group" and I tended to switch social groups every two years in secondary school. Many of them were intelligent guys but made _ME _feel mature. It was difficult to socialise, except using the Internet. It didn't help that I lived in the middle of nowhere. I think I went to about two parties during my entire time at secondary and only one of them was "cool", whereas the other one we were just a bunch of geeks one of which vomit spewed out from his mouth for five whole minutes in the guy's bedroom. Hilarious.

The entire dynamic changed in university - HOT women would approach me and I was "WTF, what's going on?". University is a catalyst for growth on all levels. Tips? Enjoy yourself and utilize your time for your maximum benefit - it is important to have a balanced work ethic between socialising and academic work (I tended to make the mistake of putting too much focus on the former).


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## orphansparrow (Dec 10, 2011)

don't worry. i think it is common. it was for me, though i'm an NF. the important thing is that you have realized what you want, and now you can do something about it. =) the way you are being so open and honest seems like you'd be very easy to make friends with. ^__^


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## ENTJam (Nov 15, 2010)

Empecinado said:


> The entire dynamic changed in university - HOT women would approach me and I was "WTF, what's going on?".


Wait... wtf? That's... unlike my high school... by far...

Seriously though, I'm not the typical guy - I really am looking for friendships and ONE love at a time... not just hot gals, you know? You know, I was flabbergasted when I learned about 80% of the girls in my HS class (no joke) were not virgins... this just strikes me as absurd - I'm Roman Catholic, you know... so this is just nuts. The WORST thing is that I had NO idea that the bar was so low!



DeductiveReasoner said:


> I hear most NTs (extroverted or introverted) tend to be reclusive during highschool. There's just something about the setup and environment about highschool that we don't adapt to.
> 
> Nearly every single NT I've talked to on this site claims that it gets better during college, especially if you're from a small town.


Well... interesting. I would really like to understand what is it with NTs (in general) and HS... Something about Sensing > iNtuition? Not sure. Anyways... I'm rather curious - you're a senior, right? Tell me, how has your HS been like? As a female NT? Have you noticed any NT males? How did they look like, socially?








ALSO... I'm not sure if this has to do with anything... but I've always - ALWAYS - focused on grades over socialization. Something about grades taking me places I wanna go... and a mentality that "meh, I can just make friends when I get to where I wanna be"... but something made me realize... lack of socialization is not suppose to be. Does that add up to anything? Is this an NT view on HS, perhaps?


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## Owfin (Oct 15, 2011)

I never went to places after school or to parties either.

But I will say that actually talking to other people (not just waiting for my turn to speak) and having some friends turned out to be more fun than I ever thought it would be. You don't have to express friendship in "normal" ways. My friends' version of a night out is a night on Minecraft. :laughing:

But it is wonderful having people who you are interested in listening to... and people who are interested in listening to you. You can learn a lot by talking to a group of people with different, but still valid, points of view from you every day. It just adds a little spice to life.


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## Thomas60 (Aug 7, 2011)

goguapsy said:


> Alright, basically, in the social sphere, I am not like your steryotypical high school social guy: I never got invited to parties, I never hung out outside of school.
> 
> Why? Well... I was addicted to computer games hehehe. Now I had somewhat of an epiphany... no matter how many hours of computer games I play... they are useless. I mean, they are not like good memories to talk about with people... reading books is way better. I was also perceived as a jerk. I fixed that now.
> 
> ...


Dude, hit me up for a chat


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## Chipps (Jun 1, 2011)

goguapsy said:


> Alright, basically, in the social sphere, I am not like your steryotypical high school social guy: I never got invited to parties, I never hung out outside of school.
> 
> Why? Well... I was addicted to computer games hehehe. Now I had somewhat of an epiphany... no matter how many hours of computer games I play... they are useless. I mean, they are not like good memories to talk about with people... reading books is way better. I was also perceived as a jerk. I fixed that now.
> 
> ...


Im a college senior right now. I _used_ to have a group of friends. I tend to lose contact with people over time.

Im more of a love 'em and leave 'em type.

That being said I tend to attract "minions" quite easily but I get bored with them because they have more submissive personality types. 

I a lot happier with being a lone wolf. Social interaction is great, but I don't college can always provide the stimulation I would need. I look forward to making friends as I get to the 25+ age range.


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## Empecinado (May 4, 2010)

goguapsy said:


> Seriously though, I'm not the typical guy - I really am looking for friendships and ONE love at a time... not just hot gals, you know? You know, I was flabbergasted when I learned about 80% of the girls in my HS class (no joke) were not virgins... this just strikes me as absurd - I'm Roman Catholic, you know... so this is just nuts. The WORST thing is that I had NO idea that the bar was so low!


You make it sound like I am a ravaging thug. What's wrong with enjoying the shallow pleasures in life as well? You should experience it all.


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## DeductiveReasoner (Feb 25, 2011)

@goguapsy



Well... interesting. I would really like to understand what is it with NTs (in general) and HS... Something about Sensing > iNtuition? Not sure. Anyways... I'm rather curious - you're a senior, right? Tell me, how has your HS been like? As a female NT? Have you noticed any NT males? How did they look like, socially?



[/QUOTE]
I personally hate high school. My experiences haven't been great, but they weren't completely miserable. what I hated is the whole system. Here are a few reasons:
Athletics are sensationalized, and "intellectual" kids are classified as nerds. Athletes are given passing grades regardless of if they deserve them, just because failing athletes can't play.
Four words: No child Left Behind. To cut to the point, it was a godawful idea. Slow kids can't keep up with the curriculum, and fast kids get bored, don't focus on there studies and thus, suffer. I think the latter applies to a bunch of NTs.
There social pressures are ridiculous. NTs aren't generally concerned with their clothes/social stances/etc, which seems like what highschool is all about.
That, and Texas gets to dictate what is taught in its schools which completely sucks. the curriculum is super shallow, our teachers are half-assed, our students are half-assed, and my english teachers can't even speak with proper grammar (at least mine can't). 
This weird obsession with being better than everyone else. all the girls need to feel superior to the other girls. Can't speak for the boys, but I'd assume there's something similar.
Keep in mind, I probably go to an unusually shitty school, in a small town where brawn/beauty is preferred over brains. Not at all NT friendly.

Your last paragraph, about grades getting you where you want to go, I COMPLETELY agree with. Since I was a kid, I've been obsessed with this notion that I'll one day I want to live in Europe, and travel a whole lot.  I realized that university and college can allow me to study abroad and even go to grad school in a foreign country


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## WickedQueen (Jun 1, 2009)

My ENTJ best friend was like that during high school. She told me she had no friend at all, and there were few classmates that didn't remember her at all!

She met me at university and she kind of 'adopting' my social skill bit by bit, which maybe easy for her to do, since we both are Te-dom. She got better at socializing, became warmer and friendlier, got close with some friends, and found her (ex)boyfriend. 

So yeah, give yourself a chance. Things will get better.


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## Einsteinette (Jan 19, 2011)

I've always been an outcast : as a child, during school years, even among my family. There was time when it did bother me a little but not anymore. I just don't fit and I'm fine with it . Most People are very annoying/boring to be around anyhow ...


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## ENTJam (Nov 15, 2010)

Empecinado said:


> You make it sound like I am a ravaging thug. What's wrong with enjoying the shallow pleasures in life as well? You should experience it all.


It was not my intention to offend you. However, my point stands firm.


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## wiarumas (Aug 27, 2010)

I had hundreds of aquaintances in High School, but none of them were friends. So yes, I know what you mean. Despite my popularity, something still turned people away from getting close. I had 2 relatively close friends (ENTP and INTP), but they had their own circles so I was a bit of a lone wolf... which I was completely fine with. You aren't missing out on anything.

College is easier and much more fun - there is a lot going on, its more dilluted when it comes to social circles, and the fact that the anti-intellectual subculture is filtered out helps a lot.

Be as active as you can in your first couple weeks at college. Meet people from your dorms, play sports on the quad, go to parties, join a fraternity, join clubs, participate in philanthropy, etc. Be picky, but experiencing as much as you can will help determine what sticks and what doesn't. You'll meet a lot of people along the way.

Keep an open mind as well. I was anti-fraternity when I went to college, but not only did I find an awesome one, I was running it with my circle of friends by my junior year (in addition to recruiting friends from my major - which helped me land internships, jobs, and even help me professionally to this day I know lawyers, accountants, doctors, etc).

PM me or use my wall if you want to discuss further.


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## wiarumas (Aug 27, 2010)

goguapsy said:


> ALSO... I'm not sure if this has to do with anything... but I've always - ALWAYS - focused on grades over socialization. Something about grades taking me places I wanna go... and a mentality that "meh, I can just make friends when I get to where I wanna be"... but something made me realize... lack of socialization is not suppose to be. Does that add up to anything? Is this an NT view on HS, perhaps?



Also, in college and beyond, socialization incredibly more important than grades. I find it somewhat cheesey if a person includes their GPA on their resume after their first job out of college. Its a space that should be filled with more important stuff.

Hiring a college grad typically goes like this:

-Submit your resume to employers. They will receive literally thousands of applicants (the company I work at receives 10,000 a day). Some companies contract other companies to filter their resumes... some even use programs that score based on buzz words. If you know someone who works at a company (ie, a friend from your major), its probably your best bet that your resume will go directly into human hands. I got 2 offers my senior year strictly because I knew someone who put in good word for me and the company wanted "more people like them."

-They MAY look at your GPA just to see if its good enough (anything 3.0 is acceptable probably), but its hardly a deciding factor. They mainly will be looking at your experience and extracurricular activities to see if its intriguing enough to meet you. An interesting side note - there was a research performed in the early 90s that showed that men with lower GPAs (3.0-3.5) were somewhat more successful than the 3.5-4.0 crowd. Unless you want to walk the straight and narrow of an engineering career path, you will need to use creativity, innovative thinking, and sometimes bending/breaking the rules. GPA tends to measure the person's discipline and ability to regurgitate information.

-Interview. You have to sell yourself. Interview is 10 times more important than your resume, GPA, etc. Your handshake, your confidence, your shoes, your tie, your hair, etc.


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## L (Aug 12, 2011)

High School... bleh.... reminds me of.....of....a blur.... a very violent messy blur.... piss on it all.

I might not be into any crowds, still don't have any real friends but college is still a lot better. I have lots of aquantainces, still no friends though. I think my biggest problem is I live an hour away from the college scene and have to drive there.... that'll change when I move to my new school I'll be going to after I get done with this one by summer.

I'll come back with some great intel by then I'm sure. But yea, you got some great, sound, advice coming from the rest of the posters here. I know that you think grades are important buuuuuuuuuut, I'd say having a 3.0 and a "personality" would be far better than having a 4.0, just me though. Well me and @wiarumas, gotta network yourself. I hate to say it but facebook is the way to go. I may not have any real friends but I do have very friendly acquantainces whom I have on facebook and make sure to talk to on a consistant basis.

But yea.... high school's a drag.... hang in there my friend.


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## TheBoss (Oct 27, 2011)

goguapsy said:


> I am not like your steryotypical high school social guy: I never got invited to parties, I never hung out outside of school.
> 
> Why? Well... I was addicted to computer games hehehe. Now I had somewhat of an epiphany... no matter how many hours of computer games I play... they are useless. I mean, they are not like good memories to talk about with people... reading books is way better. I was also perceived as a jerk. I fixed that now.
> 
> ...


I think all people feel lonely at times or periods of their lives. Even people with rich social lives. I have a very good idea of how lonely you may feel tbh.

I used to have a huge acquaintance circle, no close 'group' and one or two best friends that were extremely close to me. Being an ENTJ, when I considered things in social were not sufficient, I simply acted on it. I made the moves. Joined groups, contacted people, met people, initiated talk with people. 
I kinda demanded to be part. I would go to a gaming/athleticism area and force my way in a team (well, forced is a heavy word... I insisted strongly for example to play basketball with the boys). I think I was never rejected not due to my charms but due to my forcefulness. Was I a jerk? Perhaps but it hindered me in nothing.
Being highly extroverted, I kept making acquaintances and friends. Relationships were easy for the same reason. I liked a guy and he was too slow to approach? I did the approaching. (ENTJs are kinda impatient).
The close friendships were trickier to be made but mostly to be kept as I traveled a lot and that meant constantly recreating my social cycle. Missing your best friend can cause temporary loneliness feelings, until you make another best friend. The trick is to go slow and lower your expectations. Lower them a LOT. A "best friend" is similar to a fairy tale. We start with too high standards and so, we often end up disappointed and feeling lonely.

If something is not coming your way, then you go to it. You create the circumstances to make it happen. Will you be happy? Future will show, depends on how lucky you get.
Socializing often contains compromises, tolerating for the sake of being a part, facing struggles and coping. Is an investment like everything. You expect too much and receive too little, a complain that - sadly - even some adults make.

Around your age, I decided I would create a VAST multipurpose social cycle for the heck of it. So, I had groups of 'friends' to giggle, to chat, to play, to party, to visit museums, to attend events, you name it. Soon, the problem was I could not be in all places at the same time and that I could not have close friends and keep them - or me - happy. I was in the midst of hundreds and felt alone.
See? Either way, alone or excessively 'with', can bring problems and the same loneliness.

You said gaming doesn't make friends. I disagree. Made good friends through online gaming. People I trust to discuss with. People I worked with. People that we invited each other and try to see each other in every opportunity. Friends that I smile at their presence and we have interacted for many years.
We have great game memories to share, reminisce or whine about. Wars we fought, battles we won, struggles we overcame, funny incidents, silly flirtings, serious personal strives, you name it.
From all the friends in my life, my gaming ones have a very warm spot in my heart. Perhaps you could use gaming the same way.

I know a genious 15 years old (is now 21) that I met through games, a very good friend of mine all these years. He met his fiance through the same game and even got his first job (a good one!) in it.

Opportunities are in everything. Reach out and grab them.


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## ENTJam (Nov 15, 2010)

^^ Yes, yes, thank you, and I agree with all you said.

What I said about games, though, is that I don't really meet "real" people through it... You know, I knew more players than I knew real people, I think, at some point in my past! That was just not right.


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## Thomas60 (Aug 7, 2011)

The funny thing is that the strategy game I was addicted to was a great playground for my business course xD
I downgraded my addiction by the 3rd year, then quit by the fourth.


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## Wodashin (Sep 15, 2011)

Never really had a "group" of friends. I have one or two friends, and they are usually part of a group. I follow them a bit, but never really become a part of the "group". I am a social tumor.


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