# Bullying and how it affects you years later



## EccentricSiren (Sep 3, 2013)

Seems there's a lot of talk about bullying and how it affects kids. But I'm kind of curious how people are affected by it years later. I'm in my 30s, and I was bullied in elementary school, and a bit in middle school. I'd like to think I've moved on and gotten over it, but I've realized certain things have stayed with me. For instance, I was teased about my looks and told I was ugly. When I finally learned how to make my out-of-control curly hair look decent and figured out what sorts of clothes actually looked good on me and generally got out of the whole ugly duckling stage, I promised myself I'd never be ugly again. It really bothers me if I don't look good, or if I can't get my hair to behave. I was also made fun of for my extreme lack of athletic ability and called weak. I now have an aversion to showing any sort of weakness to others.
I think on the other hand, though, it made me more independent. I was determined to do my own thing no matter what anyone thought, and I'm still that way. It's also made me more empathetic, in most circumstances.
Were you bullied as a child? Do you think it still affects you now in any way?


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## Glenda Gnome Starr (May 12, 2011)

I had many of the same experiences that you did, @EccentricSiren. I was bullied in elementary school and in middle school and was called ugly and stupid. I also had out of control curly hair, and I was short and I wore eyeglasses. Plus I was a bad athlete and I ducked whenever a ball came in my direction. I was never hit by the ball so, at least, I had good reflexes. I'm in my 50s now and am still insecure about my appearance, even though my hair is no longer out of control. I also still sometimes think that I'm stupid... and I still have to work hard not to look at my image in the mirror with the bullies' eyes, instead of with my own.


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## Spanks (Dec 8, 2013)

I was bullied over a lot of things leading up to even my high school graduation. My partial strabismus, my overabundance of acne, dandruff in my hair, accused of being gay, my stupidity, my ugliness, etcetera, that all was all in the playing field for me. I started hearing some of those things as early as second grade. As I got older, some went away and new ones came in so there was never really time for me to take a break. I just learned to deal with it. Although you could say that I prolonged it all as I always found the bullying or harassment to be humorous. Even to this day, I don't really admit that I was bullied because I never viewed it as such - there's no need to victimize myself because it really allowed me to express my full individuality. I never took it as me being a victim of my lesser fortune. As it turns out, it was appropriate for me to be so nonchalant about it all because now that I'm out of that environment, it's evident that all of the things I got picked on for were untrue (except my lazy eye, but who cares). Kids are assholes, but we can't really blame them. A lot of the time, the kid's doing the bullying don't know any better.

The only thing that's really stuck with me is my insecurity regarding my eye, but I'm still living. People still love me, people still find me attractive, people still treat me like they would anybody else. I'm just glad to be able to live with a physical impairment like this because even though I may feel like complete and utter shit about it some days, whether it be me seeing myself in the mirror or I recall some of those mishaps from school, I would never have imagined myself being the confident, strong-willed person I am today.

It's all perspective. I can sympathize with people that process it differently, but it's all perspective.


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## Sonny (Oct 14, 2008)

Was never bullied for looks, just re-enforced time and time again that I was not acceptable.

I refuse to allow myself to show vulnerability easily, I keep who I truly am inside and it takes a lot of time and trust to let guards down, in a split second they can be back up again if the other person shows something untrustworthy. I do not rely on anyone else, I am my own man and while there are people in my life that I love dearly, something would have to go horribly-horribly wrong for me to call on them for any kind of emotional support, I deal with things on my own no matter how far down they may take me or how long they may take me there. On the other side I would drop anything to talk through someone with an emotional problem and try to help. My wing 8 is strong.


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## JTHearts (Aug 6, 2013)

I'm 17 now and I was bullied pretty horribly in middle school, and it's still with me now. I remember the kids doing awful stuff to me, and now it still haunts me. It's probably the biggest reason I'm shy now, I was never shy before but now I'm extremely shy because of all that and a lot of people act like it's so easy to just get over it but it really isn't.


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## Nyctophilia (Mar 13, 2014)

I was bullied all throughout my school years, both in school and at home, particularly about my interests. I'd rather not get into details but I have schizoid personality disorder, major trust issues, and there are things I enjoy that are absolutely impossible for me to reveal. It's not because I'm trying to pretend I'm mysterious or whatever but simply because, despite my apathy for almost everything else, I just can't bring myself to share those kinds of things despite the irrationality behind it.

For example there's only one person who's still alive that knows what kind of music I enjoy, and they only found out because I slipped up.


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## SharpestNiFe (Dec 16, 2012)

Interesting. I was bullied more verbally, very minimally physically. All it made me do was get my confidence up and hit the gym. When you become a top athlete in your high school of 3,000 students, people don't really have the desire to bully you anymore.


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## stentorious_paroxysm (Apr 25, 2012)

I was bullied quite harshly in the 7th grade. Very unathletic, very small, I was an easy target for powerful bullies then. There was one in particular who gave me the most trouble - Big E. He would harass me every day in science class. It reached a time to where he started to physically abuse me. I was upset to the point that I began wearing my emotions on my sleeve, which I never did. My mother was wise enough to know that I was being harassed, but I did not want her to know what was going on in my mind, because what I was planning was contrary to the values she adopted and enforced in our family. I knew this, however - I was not going to tolerate it any more. I started thinking about what actions I could take against him. Obviously, I would be beaten to a pulp if I were to engage in a fist fight with him, so that was out. I also deemed speaking to the teachers or principal to be ineffective because all they could really do is give him detention and possibly suspend him from school and some extracurricular activities, but it would only delay the inevitable reality that upon his return he would continue to bully me. And for myself, I couldn't just leave class, so I thought my best course of action was to humiliate him and bring him down to my level. I knew he was emotionally charged, so I thought of ways to exploit it. I wanted my attack to be quiet, swift, and unnoticeable by everyone. I watched him for some time. I found that when he was most relaxed and off guard was after he had eaten lunch, so I knew my attack had to come from lunch en route to the following class. I knew what I was going to do. I was going to have him fall down the stairs. He was very tall, overweight, was not nimble on his feet and had a high center of gravity. 

When we were dismissed from the cafeteria, I quickly caught up to him but quietly paced behind him. When he climbed the stairs I stayed right behind him. The morbid fear of the possibility that my face will be smashed in began to build up within me, but I ignored it. Before he reached the mid-level of the stairs, I grabbed his left foot and pulled it from behind him. Immediately he lost his balance and in an attempt to regain it, he fell backwards down to the bottom of the stairs. I kept waking with the rest of the students ahead of Big E. When I got to the top of the stairs I looked down with other curious observers, wondering what the raucous noise was all about. As Big E was laying on the ground, the students immediately began laughing and mocking him. He was so upset that he immediately picked a fight with one of the students behind him. It bolstered my confidence quite greatly.

After Big E's suspension and return to school, I, of course, saw him once again in science class, but this time it was different. I was no longer scared of him. I had realized that I don't need to fight anyone to win. I could win without doing any of the work. I had come to the realization that bullies are a lot easier to take down than most students realized, if they could get past the intimidation and brute force they project. I remember looking at him smiling thinking about this, and when he caught sight of me, he said, "What the fuck are you looking at, you skinny bitch? I'll break you." Those words were meaningless to me. I just turned around and retreated to my own world.

As an adult, I think my outlook on bullying has made it difficult for me to sympathize with my friends who allow others to dominate them, especially in the work field.


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## Coburn (Sep 3, 2010)

No long term impact for me. To be fair, though, I wasn't even aware of the concept of bullying growing up. It was just kids being kids.


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## Moss Icon (Mar 29, 2011)

EccentricSiren said:


> I'm in my 30s, and I was bullied in elementary school, and a bit in middle school. I'd like to think I've moved on and gotten over it, but I've realized certain things have stayed with me. For instance, I was teased about my looks and told I was ugly... It really bothers me if I don't look good, or if I can't get my hair to behave.



I'm also in my 30s, and was also bullied in school (mainly 12-16). Initially it was other boys - threats of violence usually. My parents had just divorced and there was an air of vulnerability to me that no doubt attracted assholes like sharks to blood. I was already an off-beat, "weird" kid. So an easy target. Later, after puberty hit, it was both girls and boys (but mainly girls) telling me how ugly I was and mocking me for my appearance, or again, general "weirdness". 

I wasn't especially unathletic. I was bad in some sports, but good in others. I also had a kinda fight with a friend one lunch-break which turned pretty extreme. My friend and I were cool after it, but it sent a message that we weren't to be messed with. The physical threats more or less stopped after that. But the insulting of my looks by girls who knew I couldn't violate the "don't hit girls" rule continued to the end of school. 

I told myself at the time that none of it bothered me. That they were all small-minded losers and I'd do way more with my life than any of them. And I have. But the frequency of the bullying and the constant focus on my looks did give me a huge complex. I may or may not (I'm at least borderline) have Body-Dismorphic Disorder, and am hyper-critical of my appearance. I hate seeing myself in mirrors unprepared, and I hate photos taken of me that I have no control over, especially "candid" shots. I also hate when I can't get my hair right, when I can't get rid of all the imperfections I perceive. I have a really hard time liking myself.

It's not all a result of the bullying (I have plenty of other, non-bullying-related issues), but I am accustomed to feeling "broken", "wrong", or something like that. I have never been able to shake the idea that there's something wrong with me, that I'm somehow broken or ill-made. I'm extremely defensive now about being treated this way, and I have a really bad temper when it's unleashed. I've been suicidal in the past, too. 

Like I say, it's not all bullying-related. But the damage that can be done to your formative psyche by bullying should never be underestimated. The levels of cruelty, the premeditated desire to cause others pain for your own personal amusement, is seriously vile, and shouldn't be tolerated. Ever.


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## Swordsman of Mana (Jan 7, 2011)

yes, I was, and it allowed me to become a bad ass. what doesn't kill you (or permanently injure you) can make you stronger, but only if you let it.


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## monemi (Jun 24, 2013)

I did get bullied at times, but I had some redeeming qualities. When I was very little and the kids didn't know sign language, prior surgery and getting hearing aids, I was only learning lip reading and there were communication issues. I had a lot of frustration and as soon as I could tell they were taking the piss out of me, I'd lose my temper and go in fists flying. I was small for my age and adorable. I don't think it would have gotten violent if I had kept my cool. Predictably, they kicked my arse. I was athletic but it's not like I got into fights with kids my own size. 

In my 30's even though I hear most of what everyone else is hearing, I don't trust people. I eavesdrop (lip read) private conversations just long enough to make sure it has no relevance to me. I absolutely hate my voice. It doesn't matter how many people compliment on what a beautiful speaking voice I have, I remember being told I sounded retarded from early on in speech therapy. I worked extremely hard on my voice but I will always hear that inept deaf person trying to talk voice. It's sort of ironic because in Canada and the States, people love a soft English accent and say they could listen to me all day. But I can't stand listening to myself.


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## telepariah (Jun 20, 2011)

I was beaten by bullies for being small and by teachers for having ADHD (nobody knew what that was in the early 60s) through elementary school, and by my brother for being a pussy. In junior high school I was beaten and had my lunch money stolen until I learned where and whom to avoid. I was very small, bookish, and awkward. But over the summer between 9th and 10th grade I grew a foot and gained 70 pounds and was suddenly the fastest kid around (track and field, no football). Nobody bullied me anymore but I carry scars to this day. I don't feel like I am a large male of the species. I still think of myself as small. I have serious problems dealing with people in authority, which holds me back from accomplishing a lot of things I want to do. I have been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, which I think must stem partly from having been beaten by so many people throughout childhood. From the age of 6 I thought being bullied was my life's purpose. I just don't have it in me to fight back unless pushed to my limits and then I only use words. I am alpha to no one.


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## gelassenheit (Mar 16, 2014)

It can cause life-long self-esteem and insecurity issues. At the same time these bullies will often have successful lives and make the victim of bullying feel inferior. It really is a depressing thing. To those who have been bullied, remember that I love you and that there is justice in this world and karma will get them if it hasn't already.


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## Raichan (Jul 15, 2010)

I think me being bullied has caused me having flashbacks etc and at times being guarded, but I think an important step was to know that I'm so much more than what they did/ expected of me (a simple thought, but it counts)


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## TruthDismantled (Jan 16, 2013)

I was bullied a fair amount from 12 to 16 I think it was, mainly. I would say the effects have stuck with me today. I'm always careful not to draw unwanted attention to myself to strangers and I start shaking and sh*t in tense confrontations or when anticipating physical confrontation. I'm also hyper-vigilant in social situations and aware of potential dangers all the time. I get quite defensive too, find it difficult to relax. Part of me feels like my parents should have done more to make sure I was alright, but I think I just didn't really say anything, I wouldn't want to think about it once I got home. Sometimes I wonder what I've done to deserve it but a hell of a lot of people have/had it worse than me so it's an insult to them to complain about my own past. 

But it has helped me too. It has made me want to stick up for the underdog and encourage more reserved people to let their thoughts be heard and take the initiative in group activities. I hate offending others. Having a joke and some verbal sparring is okay but as soon as they get offended it upsets me, unless they offended me first, it which case my verbal insult will be much worse.


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## uttermostcat (Nov 6, 2013)

I don't know if bullied is the right term but my older brothers (and family in general) seemed to treat me pretty poorly when I was young.. I felt like I didn't have a whole lot going for me, and few people seemed to care about how I felt or at least few people understood. I'm going to play the (male) INFJ card here laughing and say that I felt left out as a type who seems to be pretty easily misunderstood? And my brothers would constantly make fun of me, would undermine my efforts whenever possible, etc, etc. I knew people who would completely change whenever they were around my siblings, would be nice to me one moment then a second later would join in. My parents didn't do much to stop it, either, it seemed. They came from very critical families themselves so they didn't seem to see the harm in being critical to me.. It's weird how that works. I don't know, I've told this to my family and they didn't seem to understand. My brother said, quote, "it made things interesting." My parents basically don't know how to respond, just don't get it at all I guess, which is fine, I mean I know they try at least.

So while the bullying may have been minor in my case when compared to others, it was inside my family and inside a place that was supposed to be safe for me, and it really didn't feel all that safe. As a result, I'm closing in on my 3rd year of college and I'm still wondering why I feel so dang insecure about myself and my identity. It stinks feeling like you're behind everyone else, and worry about making a career out of yourself too. I know I'm fortunate in that I came to understand things, I've been educated pretty well, and I have good prospects. I know others really don't have these resources or gifts so I feel for them most..

And I think bullying can really affect someone when they don't have a place of closure and safety elsewhere. As others have said here, bullying or other forms of physical or mental oppression are worst then you're most vulnerable. One of the most perceptive quotes I've heard is from Albert Einstein: "Humiliation and mental oppression by ignorant and selfish teachers wreak havoc in the youthful mind that can never be undone and often exert a baleful influence in later life." That's why, as an adult (and prospective teacher), I would never, ever, ever humiliate or mentally oppress a vulnerable child. That's the definition of horribleness to me..

As people who were bullied in the past I think it should be our responsibility and purpose to bring these things to light, to prevent it from happening to other kids, and to, overall, treat others the way we wish we were treated when we were young. At least (steps off soapbox) that's what I try to do


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## PowerShell (Feb 3, 2013)

I'm afraid of my own strength and kind of see my fists as lethal weapons. Last time I had to take care of a bully, I knocked him flat out cold with a single punch. He hit the ground and went into a seizure and was rushed away to the hospital in an ambulance. That kind of fixed people messing with me but I've been hit in the bar before and just walked away because I was afraid I was going to kill the guy and get sent to jail (which jail is the worst thing in the world).


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## shakti (Oct 10, 2012)

I was bullied for being smart, different, "foreign" (by culture, since I grew up in another country) and fat (had just a few extra kilos, but I guess it's enough for kids that age) :-\

Perhaps this contributed to me only wanting to be stupid and skinny a few years later, and becoming borderline anorexic :-\


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## blood roots (Oct 29, 2013)

Guarded 24/7. It's a stupid way to live.


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## Du Toit (Mar 2, 2014)

Was never bullied. A bit teased through 12th grade but that's it. I think it has to do with the fact that I allowed myself to show no emotions while being poked at; causing the bullies to back off as they saw that I wasn't responsive to the teasing. - Also, when things were leaning a bit more towards bullying, I'd get my point across (that I'm not willing to put up with their b.s) in a not-so-cute manner.

''Show your fists, before ending-up slitting your wrists.''


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## Durnehviir (Nov 23, 2013)

I got bullied cause I was the new kid in a very small school. They didn't want to talk to me and basically left me out of everything. They thought I was weird, I was very shy and quiet. It was sort of a "thing" to bully kids at my school. When they stopped bullying me they moved on to the next victim and so on (there were only girls in the same year as me so you can only imagine all the drama...).

It did affect me when I was 11-14 when I went to a new school again and some girls thought I was weird for not talking and they didn't like how I dressed (I'm still a tomboy). Why do some people think it's a bad thing to be quiet/introverted?
It doesn't affect me anymore, it happened for quite a while ago and I've moved on. I think the whole bullying thing gave me more confident to be who I want to and not give a shit about what other people think of me.


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## Empty (Sep 28, 2011)

I was bullied heavily in 7th and 8th grade.

I moved locations for high school. New school, new environment.

Two kids spilled water on my seat one day in science class. They laughed at me after I sat down.

I took my compass, and stabbed one of them in the arm.

I was suspended and lectured for a while, but nobody ever fucked with me after that.

Also, that's when I started learning martial arts to become physically and mentally stronger.

Bullies are pieces of shits. Do not fold to them.


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## angeleyes (Feb 20, 2013)

Bullying can have serious long term effects on the victims; depression, low self-esteem, even suicide. On the other side of the coin, bullies themselves often end up suffering from depression, anger issues, and substance abuse.


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## Mr.Venture (Dec 25, 2011)

I got bullied really badly in elementary (more than a fight a day), and also in high school (exclusion, taunting, etc.). It definitely left some scars that I had to learn to heal as I got older. These days I can homestly say that I've "grown into my cool", but I can still see some of the after effects of all that violence. I've got a lot of messages in my head about how no one will like me if I don't make good money, have rock hard abs, act more confident, yadda yadda. It took a long time to understand the wisdom of taking care of myself as well as caring about other people. Thankfully, the world seems to have matured right alongside me, so that the people I meet also seem a bit more wise too.

I tell ya though, I must've had "permanently vulnerable" tattooed on my forehead or something. I wore my heart on my sleeve as a kid, so I usually reacted to the taunting I would get - easy target. My parents figure it started in elementary school because I was the only kid who didn't have a "nanny" to come pick them up at the end of the day. So confusing as a child to get bullied for a reason you don't even understand. My nature is to try and tend and befriend under stress, and that almost certainly just made it worse.

Would you believe that smoking actually did make me more popular? Probably the reason I have a hard time giving it up now, but my fellow misfits in high school were my first real group of friends I could count on to have my back. Probably contributes to me feeling like an permanent outsider to this day.

Still, for all the grief it has caused (the above is just a slice), I gotta say that it gave me some pretty compelling evidence of my own resilience. No matter how bad it got, I never gave up on figuring it out. That lead me to make some pretty rash decisions in my love life, but I survived those too. I also learned to start showing myself the same acceptance I was willing to give to others. True, that's still a struggle sometimes, but I haven't given up on that either.

And nowadays it seems like all the people I think are really cool are the first ones to say they think I'm really cool too. Bit of a mindwarp that, but I'm not turning it down. *cheesey grin*


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## DualGnosis (Apr 6, 2013)

I was bullied a lot during my elementary school years both from kids in class and my cousins whom I lived with. It was almost like a never-ending nightmare, if I wasn't crying at school I was crying at home. Though now I look at myself thinking I was really weak-willed backed then, almost too innocent and cowardly. I should have fought back more at school, but when I fought back at home it was always 4 against 1. I had no one to turn to at home... it was a prison. This early on told me that I had to look after myself and I couldn't even trust my family or friends.

There was an oasis moment however, when I was in 3rd grade, I loved school because all the bullies were somewhere else and my friends were funny and fun. Things began to change at home as well, but the bullying was still lingering.

Eventually I grew old enough in which at home they couldn't bully me anymore because I was (still am) the tallest. The bullies went away when I went to middle school, but then came the punks who just wanted to start fights for no apparent reason. That is a different story however...

Today it's taught me to be more self-reliant and assertive.


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## lunai (Feb 22, 2014)

I was teased a lot about being skinny or having a big nose. As stupid as it seems, it affected me pretty deeply. Even the teachers made up a rumor that I was anorexic, when I was really wasn't. I just couldn't gain weight easily. I had a fear of photos being taken, and I would try to make myself look bigger by wearing double layers of clothes. Today I'm still pretty self conscious about how I look.


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## 45130 (Aug 26, 2012)

idk why but bullies seemed to have a particular affinity for me. over my school years there had been 3 distinct groups of kids that tried to destroy my self-esteem and personality.
i wont go into too much detail, but i'll reveal the general trends: over the years they became less effective, partially because I had greatly reduced my expressiveness, had become more aggressive and ready to take action and gained more friends.
the groups were generally revealed to be made out of pussies that would break down when they lost their power. When confronted by a teacher trap that I set up, one also cried a lot; didnt have much of an effect on what shit they ended up in. These people are losers.


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## PowerShell (Feb 3, 2013)

Infinnacage said:


> the groups were generally revealed to be made out of pussies that would break down when they lost their power.


That's why sometimes you need to ruffle their feathers a bit :wink:


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## iloveusarita (Nov 9, 2013)

Yes, because I believe it was because they were threatened by me.

I got teased because I was fat, and because I "didn't know my place"...yeah I didn't give a shit about some dopey narcissistic moral code...

Meh, don't really care now. it was long ago.


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## Mammon (Jul 12, 2012)

It got me self conscious and insecure. For example, I have to focus when walking by a row of people as not to make weird out of place movements. Oh and don't get me started on walking past cars waiting for the red light to change... Or sitting in a waiting room, or whatever. I hate having all attention focused on me.


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## Noctis (Apr 4, 2012)

I was bullied from kindergarten to college. In kindergarten through elementary school, it was because of my deep voice, social ineptness, and more traditionally feminine demeanor. In middle school to high school, it was because of my social ineptness, nerdiness, intelligence, small body and shortness. I was called pussy in middle school and pushed by some bullies and left out at times. In high school, again I was picked on for being nerdy, but also my body (being smaller than most of the guys), my geekiness (I liked Star Wars and World of Warcraft), lack of social adeptness and my liberal political and social ideas (being in a high school that was right wing predominant). I was bullied by generally the athletic jocks. One called me "three feet tall". In college, I was bullied by some frat boys for my lack of muscles, as well as from some females, who either mocked or dismissed my emotional sensitivity. One female called me gay for hugging women, while another gave me high fives in a condescending way when I tried to hug her (she used to hug me). I was bullied by adults as well. A martial arts instructor bullied me and other students, but he said really terrible things to me, such as calling me chicken, a mediocre martial artist and used intimidation tactics to get his way. Some profs in college also bullied me, because of my disabilities related to ADD (Inattentive) and my speech impediment. Some used verbal intimidation tactics and demeaning language towards me, as well as verbal and emotional abuse. In high school, a teacher mocked my liberal political views and because I was to vote for Obama, he called Obama in a mocking presentation "Impostor". I tried to get him disciplined by the principal, but he didn't do anything. When I was young, i had a very impatient music teacher who doted on my brother, but treated me horribly and called my interest in Pokemon stupid and did not treat me respectfully because I learned slowly and because of my inattentiveness. I had an ex who bullied me for "not being able to handle her bluntness and so called dark side", and "being slow". To this day, bullying has effected me, by causing me to go through flashbacks and angry feelings at times, as well as missing out on a happier life.


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## William I am (May 20, 2011)

I only read through most of the first page, but definitely relate to the following:

Bullied for being different from the other kids and accused of:
-being a ***/gay/pussy (more than anything) by other boys, never by girls
-being too smart
-trying in school
-liking to read
-being overweight
-at first being super duper christian (dunkard brethren), then for not being catholic like 90% of the school was
-being non-violent (jeez, I wish I had just beat the shit out of one kid. I'm sure it would have stopped... or gotten much worse and been addressed)
-I got hit in the nuts ALL THE TIME by the other boys who played this stupid game of "nut-tap", and since I wasn't usually paying attention to them, they got me with direct hits all the time. It never really got any more physical than this.

I was good at soccer, not very good at football or basketball, and despite the school being mostly hispanic/portuguese kids, soccer was seen as a weirdo sport not worth playing. 

At this point, and after having survived and escaped a 5-year verbally and occasionally physically abusive relationship, I would say the following affect me:

-I have no idea how attractive I am. My perception of this wavers and changes every day. 
-I always feel fat, no matter my weight, even when I was 30lbs lighter
-I bodybuilt in high school to change my looks and overcompensated.
-I obsess about my unruly curly hair and shaving
-I care a whole lot about my clothes and am always self-conscious if I appear poor or anything because of my clothes. 
-My reputation is fragile and important to me. I see it as a barrier to being bullied and hurt by other people
-Looking in the mirror, I can't tell if I'm fat, muscular, athletic, average, or none of those options. I weigh 235 at 5'10" with a lean mass of 170-180.
-I have difficulty trusting people and boundary issues - I'd put up with people abusing me to have friendship and companionship.
-I worry people are out to get me when they're not
-When people tell me I'm attractive, I think they must have ulterior motives
-I have deeply ingrained in me that I'm inferior in some ways to most people, especially in looks, despite some people telling me I'm good looking or handsome.


I just turned 27, and yeah. It still affects me. The therapy has helped and has really changed the apparent susceptibility to bullying and being taken advantage of.


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## Mr.Venture (Dec 25, 2011)

Hey y'all. I was re-reading this thread after my original post. I used to get bullied something fierce K-12. I eventually picked up smoking, and that led to my first real group of friends in school who would watch my back. I still got targeted, but it wasn't nearly as bad as before, and eventually I grew to a point where I could spend my time with people who were worth keeping around. The whole experience definitely left scars and a need for healing, but life did get better - and so did I.

BUT... I do remember this one kid I knew in high school after I picked up smoking. He was part of our group, but he was pretty small for his age. I had become one of the "leaders" of our group in high school, and I guess the newfound power and acceptance got to me. I never did anything to him like what others would do to me (he was one of us after all), but I did target him in other ways. The clearest example to me is how often he found himself at the bottom of a dog pile.

I was bullied, but I was also a bully to someone else. I was thinking about that, and I was suddenly struck with this guilt when I realized I couldn't remember the kid's name. Sure, I had a lot of unaddressed anger, and it was a time in my life of transition and confusion, but that's not an excuse. I targeted him because he was small and vulnerable, and because I had never been able to do that to anyone else before. I had no good reason, and I don't know what happened to him, but I feel shame about what I did. He didn't deserve it, and I don't know that I'll ever be able to apologize to him for it. Sucks in a big way to see that in myself, especially when my experiences could have taught me everything I needed to see it from his perspective. In fact, I think I even did at the time - it just didn't make difference. I can't apologize to him, so I think I'll just have to live with it. Even so, for all the bullies out there who tormented you guys, I'm gonna be at least one person who can say:

"Sorry. I was wrong. Maybe I could've done better at the time, maybe I didn't know how. Doesn't matter. I hurt you, and that wasn't okay. If I could turn back the clock and make my choice with what I know now, I would - but I can't. I'm sorry, and I hope you can forgive me."

I was bullied, and I was a bully too. Sucks both ways.


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## Buttahfly (Jul 30, 2013)

I was bullied for many years. So many people made fun of me and I'm not even sure why. I guess it was because I was really insecure. Of course 5 years of huge anxiety the minute after I left my home left wounds and scars. Talking about it to someone never came to my mind. But I know that I felt shame. I also wanted to make my mother proud and happy. I had no friends. I had nothing. My computer (MMORPGs, ...) was my safety-zone and I never did anything else, unless forced. I have NO idea how I was able to survive that hell for 5 years. One day they were meaner than ever before and so many people saw it and watched. It was so embarassing and I already searched for help in online forums, but no one gave me advice I wanted to hear. I wanted an easy solution, but there was none. But that one day I found my easy solution and I felt so much relief. Thinking about that now gives me the idea, that that moment was a key-moment for the next years. Years of escape. I told myself that either the bullying will stop or I will kill myself. Now the weird part is that the bullying seriously got less and less. Probably because the bullies also grew older? Anyway, the damage was too much. I skipped the time where other people build up their personality, find friends, have fun and more of that stuff. The next years were spend in mental hospitals, doing nothing at home or similiar things and I felt so fucking horrible. It's amazing to me how I'm able to feel so terrible while not feeling any shit for 5 years of bullying, well, besides from anxiety. I was running aways for ~3 more years. Running away from life and running away from myself, hiding behind diagnosis, hospitals or my computer. 

Today I'm okay, I guess. Sometimes I feel great, sometimes I feel horrible. I don't know what's normal. I don't know how I would be without those experiences. While it caused so much pain and probably still does(?) I still wouldn't want to trade my life for someone else's. It's who I am and I'm happy and proud to be who I am. Well, I'm sure about one thing that the bullying affected, and that's my relationship to people. It's (at times) very painful and messed up. I feel socially retarded and I feel that I don't have friends. I feel an extremly big desire to connect with people and at the same time I want to be isolated from people. Weird thing is, that I don't want to be isolated alone. I want someone else to isolate myself with. My own world with just me, one specific person and stupid cows (people) running around we can hate. Because hating them makes me happy. On the other side I know that that's probably not really how I am, since it wouldn't make sense to the feelings I feel when I manage to "break out" of that way of thinking and acting. I don't know, other people see me as pretty normal anyway. Some say I'm shy, some say I'm really shy, some say I'm not shy at all. Some say I seem extremly happy, some say I seem very sad and depressed. I don't know if it's normal to be seen different by many people. 

I don't even know if I would consider myself an introvert or an extrovert. I seem like a 100% introverted person or something, but I just feel like I'm in a big shell. I don't know at all if I like being alone or not, I don't have a choice. I don't know if I like talking or not, I don't have a choice. I'm awkward and weird and I try to be as socially normal as I can be, but it doesn't allow me to be me or to be "out of myself" because it's a limited resource. But there is at least one person I can be really free with and that's my boyfriend. Sometimes it still doesn't feel free, because I'm often very exhausted from playing my social norms game. Sometimes I'm crazy when I'm with him and sometimes I'm very exhausted and quiet, which might be normal? It makes me hate society, it makes me hate people, at the same time I love people and I know that social norms and stuff are also kind of important. I don't know. When I think about it it feels like I don't know anything about me. And when I don't think and just do, I feel like a fake piece of shit. And when I'm with my boyfriend I feel so free, it's very addicting. Maybe all that is normal? But if it's normal, where does that feeling that something is wrong come from? I feel high amounts of pain about complete bullshit, it's embarassing. I'm living my life, without the scars on my arms no one would get a hint that something is or was ever wrong with me. But I feel very wrong. I don't feel that I AM wrong, I believe that I'm great and I love myself, really! I just feel that the world is wrong and that I'm acting wrong. Of course the world isn't wrong, or maybe it is, but many people think like me. I should at least be able to find my place in the world, since even outsiders have their place. It must be something with me. I don't know anything, I just feel things that don't make sense to me. 
Someone once asked me how happy I am (1-100). And I said 60-70 and it was meant seriously. Maybe that is because my life before was even worse? Or because my life actually is pretty cool? Taking away my emotions I'd say I should be considered a kinda happy person with some struggles, but everyody has struggles. But my emotions tell me there is a big empty hole, somewhere.

And wow, this acted out a little bit. I just wanted to let it all out, I guess. Thanks for reading, if you actually read this! :tongue:


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## Kingpin (Aug 14, 2013)

I think when people get bullied they either get down and die or use it as motivation to take over the world


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## Children Of The Bad Revolution (Oct 8, 2013)

I was bullied. By girls and guys. Cause I was quiet, ugly, wore braces. It was scarring. I badly suffer from low self esteem still and I can't imagine it being different. Can't imagine liking myself. It's sad when i think about it, so i try not to. 

Sent from my GT-I8190N using Tapatalk


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## Mr.Venture (Dec 25, 2011)

Really, no offense meant, but this has gotten sadder than an AA meetin' at Christmas. I'm just wonderin' how people done gone about reassertin' their worth after these experiences. Took me a long time, an' I still got my scars, but I ain't in school no more. (Well I am, but that's a different matter.) How're the people on this thread healin' their pain? @Buttahfly, you don't seem the sort to just lay down and die. How have you been makin' a difference?


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## Terygii (Mar 18, 2014)

I've been bullied a lot in middle school, in almost every possible form I think. I had psoriasis which of course everybody could see and a funnel chest, that's all what was needed. It just has to be something unusual, whatever it is.
Well, I left it behind and moved on and away after school. Never happened again.



Sonny said:


> I refuse to allow myself to show vulnerability easily, I keep who I truly am inside and it takes a lot of time and trust to let guards down, in a split second they can be back up again if the other person shows something untrustworthy. I do not rely on anyone else, I am my own man and while there are people in my life that I love dearly, something would have to go horribly-horribly wrong for me to call on them for any kind of emotional support, I deal with things on my own no matter how far down they may take me or how long they may take me there. On the other side I would drop anything to talk through someone with an emotional problem and try to help.


It's exactly the same in me. It's been a long way to partly let go off the "be as autonomous and independent of basically everything as possible"- thing but it's gotten better. But showing people who and what I really am, that's something which basically just doesn't happen at all. Sometimes I'd want to, but I've forgotten (or never learned) how to.
I like to be seen as strong in every possible situation, even if I'm (of course) not.


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## chrissto (Mar 25, 2014)

Middle school was better for me than high school. I actually was liked back then. I was bullied all through high school. I recently wrote to all my high school bullies on Facebook saying that I forgive them and that what they did made me realize that I should seek positive people. I feel great after doing that, it gave me closure.


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## Aya the Abysswalker (Mar 23, 2012)

DonutsGalacticos said:


> I was bullied when i was like 14/15 i left my country and when i enter this new place i was a total outcast, kids would punish me for not speaking like them and stuff, i think now with some personalities, specially rigid STJs i can be really quiet and don't show myself as the funny guy i use to be. Besides that, i think it changed my mood, i was angry with everyone and it could make me kinda bully my little brother for a while, maybe bully is not the word but i was pretty hard with him at times.


When people tried to bully my brother all hell broke lose.


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## Ace Face (Nov 13, 2011)

I was stronger, smarter, and meaner than the bullies I went to school with. I attended a private school, and everybody knew each other. People tried to bully me, and I could usually insult them back just as well. It turned into a game of sorts. I kind of enjoyed the challenge, and I had long known how to laugh at myself before those silly fuckwads came along. Being able to embrace who you are and truly love yourself will make you invincible, and a decent amount of physical strength doesn't hurt either. I was made fun of for my weight, my strength, my looks, my likes, my beliefs, my attitude, the way I dressed, etc. I honestly didn't give that much of a shit. I liked who I was, and I thought people who were petty enough to focus on such insignificant things weren't worth my time or my thoughts. I was right. The only time bullies truly pissed me off was when they were picking on somebody else. I could handle the bullying, but my friends and others weren't quite as well-equipped as I. I got into a couple of brawls sticking up for others. I always won, too. Dumbasses got their sorry bums handed to them on a platter. I never got in trouble either. The school administration saw me as one who fought with a just cause, but said I was misguided... that I could have handled it better. I told them that I wanted the bullies to feel the same shame and embarrassment that their victims felt, and that I wasn't sorry for what I did. I think they respected me and what I had to say even when I was being disrespectful and treating them as if they were idiots. In retrospect, I believe they admired my passion.

As far as how bullying affects me today, I still carry the same attitude. It does not bother me when people say shit about me. It just humors me, and I enjoy laughing at their petty and often unfounded opinions/accusations. When I see others being bullied though, I feel it is my duty to protect them. I can handle bullies because they don't bother me. I can't handle watching someone who can't handle them sit there and take ridicule and feel pain.


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## 66393 (Oct 17, 2013)

I never got bullied much as a kid but my mom says i used to stand up for other kids getting bullied. I've always had a bit of an attitude so i was never really of victim of bullying. Sadly bullies go for the kids they know wont fight back.


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## Aya the Abysswalker (Mar 23, 2012)

Ace Face said:


> I was stronger, smarter, and meaner than the bullies I went to school with. I attended a private school, and everybody knew each other. People tried to bully me, and I could usually insult them back just as well. It turned into a game of sorts. I kind of enjoyed the challenge, and I had long known how to laugh at myself before those silly fuckwads came along. Being able to embrace who you are and truly love yourself will make you invincible, and a decent amount of physical strength doesn't hurt either. I was made fun of for my weight, my strength, my looks, my likes, my beliefs, my attitude, the way I dressed, etc. I honestly didn't give that much of a shit. I liked who I was, and I thought people who were petty enough to focus on such insignificant things weren't worth my time or my thoughts. I was right. The only time bullies truly pissed me off was when they were picking on somebody else. I could handle the bullying, but my friends and others weren't quite as well-equipped as I. I got into a couple of brawls sticking up for others. I always won, too. Dumbasses got their sorry bums handed to them on a platter. I never got in trouble either. The school administration saw me as one who fought with a just cause, but said I was misguided... that I could have handled it better. I told them that I wanted the bullies to feel the same shame and embarrassment that their victims felt, and that I wasn't sorry for what I did. I think they respected me and what I had to say even when I was being disrespectful and treating them as if they were idiots. In retrospect, I believe they admired my passion.
> 
> As far as how bullying affects me today, I still carry the same attitude. It does not bother me when people say shit about me. It just humors me, and I enjoy laughing at their petty and often unfounded opinions/accusations. When I see others being bullied though, I feel it is my duty to protect them. I can handle bullies because they don't bother me. I can't handle watching someone who can't handle them sit there and take ridicule and feel pain.


You're my hero.


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## Ace Face (Nov 13, 2011)

Aya the Whaler said:


> You're my hero.


And you are mine. Your strength is admirable, and your perseverance in life is truly an inspiration to me. I am definitely a fan, though I have mostly been an admirer in secret


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## Aya the Abysswalker (Mar 23, 2012)

Ace Face said:


> And you are mine. Your strength is admirable, and your perseverance in life is truly an inspiration to me. I am definitely a fan, though I have mostly been an admirer in secret


Those words... They're truly something else for me... Thank you very much!


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## RedGanon (Jun 22, 2012)

I have been bullied by almost the whole school from grades 5-9 because someone told rubbish about me and was spreading rumours. Also because my father was/is a town known drunkard and my stepsister told everyone in the school what was going on at our home. I also have glasses. They have bullied me with calling me names, taking my stuff away, boys were lying to me that they liked me and played with my feelings. That's why I never had a relationship and also can't trust other people. I once had an enormous outburst in front of the whole classe, I hit one on the nose so that he bled. I have also been bullied by a group of girls who told me they would be my friends but then backstabbed me. I summoned the leader of the group and the so-called subleader to the girls restroom and under tears I told/screamed at them what they thought, they were doing and told them how I was feeling. Damn was I scared, one of the toughest things I've ever done in my life. But it worked, they left me alone. I wish every one of you enough strength to overcome the memories of your bullying!


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## Ace Face (Nov 13, 2011)

Aya the Whaler said:


> Those words... They're truly something else for me... Thank you very much!


I have great respect for fighters/survivors. You have been through a lot, and anybody who could show you less than 100% respect is a complete fucking baffoon.


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## Aya the Abysswalker (Mar 23, 2012)

RedGanon said:


> I have been bullied by almost the whole school from grades 5-9 because someone told rubbish about me and was spreading rumours. Also because my father was/is a town known drunkard and my stepsister told everyone in the school what was going on at our home. I also have glasses. They have bullied me with calling me names, taking my stuff away, boys were lying to me that they liked me and played with my feelings. That's why I never had a relationship and also can't trust other people. I once had an enormous outburst in front of the whole classe, I hit one on the nose so that he bled. I have also been bullied by a group of girls who told me they would be my friends but then backstabbed me. I summoned the leader of the group and the so-called subleader to the girls restroom and under tears I told/screamed at them what they thought, they were doing and told them how I was feeling. Damn was I scared, one of the toughest things I've ever done in my life. But it worked, they left me alone. I wish every one of you enough strength to overcome the memories of your bullying!


Let me tell you that you are not alone.
I once broke a classroom. I looked like this:


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## Kavik (Apr 3, 2014)

I was relentlessly bullied from kindergarten through eighth grade. I was called words, back stabbed, had people lie about things I'd not actually done just to get me trouble. I was sent to the principal’s office every single year for lashing out in defense, had things thrown at me, was stalked in the hallways by jeering gangster wannabes, PE was an excuse to hit me as hard as possible, had my locker drawn on, and my things stolen. I distinctly remember a time I wanted to play some ball game with a group of guys and they shoved sand in my face and laughed as I threw it up repeatedly, crying half blind while walking across the playground to retreat to the bathroom. I sat alone every day for lunch and people would clear out if I sat near them. 

Teachers were in it too, telling me I wasn’t ‘gifted’ and should be on medication when they had no right to diagnose me for anything. I might have resorted to hurting myself if I weren’t a rational type, a small part always said how stupid it would be and to just suck it up and remain on the defensive. Instead, I lost myself in video games and anime where I could escape. I've forgotten most of the specifics so I haven’t been able to analyze what triggered the bullying other than I know I was a selfish little shit who didn’t understand or even compute others emotions.

What I took from it? I hate kids for one. I'm not as open with people in real life. I'm guarded and withdrawn, making myself purposefully unapproachable. After hitting high school I wanted nothing but to disappear, and I did, losing all friendships but one. I developed a tendency to challenge people antagonistically, borderline petty when I started liking them. It wasn’t until college that I learned not everyone was out to get me. I don't know if I'm better or worse off because of it but what's done is done.


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## Aya the Abysswalker (Mar 23, 2012)

Kavik said:


> I was relentlessly bullied from kindergarten through eighth grade. I was called words, back stabbed, had people lie about things I'd not actually done just to get me trouble. I was sent to the principal’s office every single year for lashing out in defense, had things thrown at me, was stalked in the hallways by jeering gangster wannabes, PE was an excuse to hit me as hard as possible, had my locker drawn on, and my things stolen. I distinctly remember a time I wanted to play some ball game with a group of guys and they shoved sand in my face and laughed as I it threw up repeatedly, crying half blind while walking across the playground to retreat to the bathroom. I sat alone every day for lunch and people would clear out if I sat near them.
> 
> Teachers were in it too, telling me I wasn’t ‘gifted’ and should be on medication when they had no right to diagnose me for anything. I might have resorted to hurting myself if I weren’t a rational type, a small part always said how stupid it would be and to just suck it up and remain on the defensive. Instead, I lost myself in video games and anime where I could escape. I've forgotten most of the specifics so I haven’t been able to analyze what triggered the bullying other than I know I was a selfish little shit who didn’t understand or even compute others emotions.
> 
> What I took from it? I hate kids for one. I'm not as open with people in real life. I'm guarded and withdrawn, making myself purposefully unapproachable. After hitting high school I wanted nothing but to disappear, and I did, losing all friendships but one. I developed a tendency to challenge people antagonistically, borderline petty when I started liking them. It wasn’t until college that I learned not everyone was out to get me. I don't know if I'm better or worse off because of it but what's done is done.


I was wondering where you're from and then I realized you're from the US. It suddenly made sense.


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## Kavik (Apr 3, 2014)

Aya the Whaler said:


> I was wondering where you're from and then I realized you're from the US. It suddenly made sense.


What part made you confused?


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## herinb (Aug 24, 2013)

There was a girl in junior high who everybody used to sing the "Shake and Bake" song to because she was large...I don't understand how it started, or what Shake and Bake has to do with being obese, but there you go. I joined in, because it was fun, and it was what everybody else was doing. That girl would cry, and I really didn't care. I also started this thing where me and friends would write lewd "raps" (really, they were poems) about her and other kids, and only the "cool kids" would get to read them. Several years later, I found out that the Shake and Bake girl was being sexually abused by her step-dad during the years I went to school with her.

I deeply regret it, and other bullying I participated in, and think about it a lot. I work with kids with behavioral problems now, and I am especially good at helping kids stop bullying. I wish I had understood more about what I was doing at that age.


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## Kavik (Apr 3, 2014)

I used to envision a literal pit leading to a dark void I was hanging from and hoped someone would reach down and pull me out. I had dreams of being trapped in quicksand and being rescued by dinosaurs. Of being chased by monsters in the dark, fleeing in submarines, flying away, turning around to scream, and fighting tooth and nail when there was no escape. For a stretch of 5 years I literally had no friends and life felt like a void where all I could think of was how I would come up with a new, fortified defense for tomorrow. I had classes blocked out, I knew who would attack me which period, and I made strategies around them to keep my guard up. Being a type who sucks at emotions, I didn't even know how to feel about it all except being...empty. 



Now that I've thought about it, there is a major side effect I'm sure came out of it. I suck at making friends and I'm afraid to do so though I want to, I don't know how to without getting anxious. In college I'm not resentful and I don't fear being bullied, but I haven't been able to make a friend in 4 years - I hardly have acquaintances. It's a bit disheartening to go to class every day, not talk to anyone beyond a professional level, then have no one to be with or talk to on the weekends. I'm very much an introvert, but I'm still human.


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## Aya the Abysswalker (Mar 23, 2012)

Kavik said:


> What part made you confused?


I wasn't confused I was just amazed then I realized that's the US. By no means Europe isn't less cruel, but nobody eats alone, nobody is medicated by teachers, teachers don't give up of you until you prove you don't care.


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## Aya the Abysswalker (Mar 23, 2012)

Kavik said:


> I used to envision a literal pit leading to a dark void I was hanging from and hoped someone would reach down and pull me out. I had dreams of being trapped in quicksand and being rescued by dinosaurs. Of being chased by monsters in the dark, fleeing in submarines, flying away, turning around to scream, and fighting tooth and nail when there was no escape. For a stretch of 5 years I literally had no friends and life felt like a void where all I could think of was how I would come up with a new, fortified defense for tomorrow. I had classes blocked out, I knew who would attack me which period, and I made strategies around them to keep my guard up. Being a type who sucks at emotions, I didn't even know how to feel about it all except being...empty.
> 
> 
> 
> Now that I've thought about it, there is a major side effect I'm sure came out of it. I suck at making friends and I'm afraid to do so though I want to, I don't know how to without getting anxious. In college I'm not resentful and I don't fear being bullied, but I haven't been able to make a friend in 4 years - I hardly have acquaintances. It's a bit disheartening to go to class every day, not talk to anyone beyond a professional level, then have no one to be with or talk to on the weekends. I'm very much an introvert, but I'm still human.


I don't know how much that has to do with personality rather than just the fact that you were bullied. I don't have a shitone of friends but I've kept some I've meet in high school and I was able to make some friends with the same interests as I and even meet my fiancée. I didn't let myself curl inside a shell since I entered high school. I talk to people, try to have people I know, even if I don't like them, etc.
I didn't have to 'relearn' how to socialize, like I hear so many other people who gave been bullied say, I do have some attitudes that are a bit more childish, probably because I didn't have time to learn those in my late childhood and beginning of teenagehood.

I think most people like you need someone to make them out of the shell and show you the world.


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## Kavik (Apr 3, 2014)

Aya the Whaler said:


> I wasn't confused I was just amazed then I realized that's the US. By no means Europe isn't less cruel, but nobody eats alone, nobody is medicated by teachers, teachers don't give up of you until you prove you don't care.


I wasn't thinking confused exactly, but couldn't think of a better word at the time. Yes, people can be cruel anywhere.



Aya the Whaler said:


> I don't know how much that has to do with personality rather than just the fact that you were bullied. I don't have a shitone of friends but I've kept some I've meet in high school and I was able to make some friends with the same interests as I and even meet my fiancée. I didn't let myself curl inside a shell since I entered high school. I talk to people, try to have people I know, even if I don't like them, etc.
> I didn't have to 'relearn' how to socialize, like I hear so many other people who gave been bullied say, I do have some attitudes that are a bit more childish, probably because I didn't have time to learn those in my late childhood and beginning of teenagehood.


I applaud your ability to get out there and actively engage others. The shell is hard to crawl out of when it’s been continually fortified for so long. I hear you on the ‘bit more childish’ part. 



Aya the Whaler said:


> I think most people like you need someone to make them out of the shell and show you the world.



Hate to say it, but you’re probably right, or I just need to grow some balls and put myself out there. Though it’s one of those easier said than done problems.


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## Aya the Abysswalker (Mar 23, 2012)

Kavik said:


> I wasn't thinking confused exactly, but couldn't think of a better word at the time. Yes, people can be cruel anywhere.


I hate to agree with that, but I have to. Though cruelty is different in different places.



> I applaud your ability to get out there and actively engage others. The shell is hard to crawl out of when it’s been continually fortified for so long. I hear you on the ‘bit more childish’ part.


I just couldn't, and people wouldn't let me either. There was always someone enjoying how intelligent I was or how I played video games or how I drew. Just something. It made me a little better. Still I know isn't easy.



> Hate to say it, but you’re probably right, or I just need to grow some balls and put myself out there. Though it’s one of those easier said than done problems.


I know it isn't easy. I always stay in quiet places, like libraries. Maybe you'll find your friends there.


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## CaptainWildChild (Dec 26, 2012)

No, never. I thought myself to be the best so I don't know maybe that saved me from being bullied. I was very cconfident (still am), I think it might be the reason why people are being bullied. You are different and insecure and sadly somebody has to be the bullied one. I was social and capable but I had very different interests but I always made sure if someone would try to make fun of me because of it I would immedietly stop it with threats or words. 

However I do remember one time when I was fighting with this guy that I really hated and then he made a really nasty comment about my blood heritage and that stuck with me for a while, it had made me feel a bit of embarrassment about where I came from and would not talk about it as much as usually did.

But otherwise I have never felt how it feels being bullied.


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## PowerShell (Feb 3, 2013)

So come to find out I was at a bar and saw the idiot I knocked out back in high school. After he left (and was talking to another guy I knew that was a few years older than me so didn't go to high school with us) I mentioned to him about how I knocked the guy he was talking to out in high school. He said, "I know. So and so said that he was being a complete dick to you and you knocked him out because of it." I do find that funny that the guy I knocked out acknowledged being a dick to me and basically admitted I knocked him out because of it.


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## Amaryllis (Mar 14, 2014)

alittlebear said:


> It made me kinder. I don't undermine people. I respect everyone - and I mean, _literally everyone_ - as a person first. It makes me love everyone. It taught me that everyone has good in them. It taught me not everyone is going to like me, but that's their problem, not mine. It taught me to smile more. It taught me to defend others who don't feel they can do it themselves in whatever moment.
> 
> Bullying sucked in the moment. Try being an Fe-dom and SO-first person who everyone sees as weird because she can't talk properly and she limps sometimes and her feet are all weird and she can't walk right and we never see her because she lives at home with her weird overprotective mom who is also the cranky PE teacher. The girl who is always apologizing, who reads books all the time. It hurt. I know it hurt. My fifth grade diary is a testament to this. And I do suffer from it. I'm just coming to terms with the fact that I have some slightly debilitating social anxiety, that I have anxiety just in general from people being unkind to me for their personal reasons.
> 
> ...


Thank you for putting this so greatly in writing, that's exactly how I felt being bullied has affected me as a Fe-dom too. The reasons why we were bullied differ, but I just recognize myself so much in your post. My experiences have made me very sensitive about exclusion, loneliness and cruelty, I just can't stand it when I witness any of it, it has made me very protective towards those whom I see as vulnerable. I just didn't understand the cruelty at the time and I still don't understand it today, I take this kind of behaviour very seriously now, such delight in making others suffer deserves zero tolerance.

Books were my best friends at the time, my safe haven, no one could take that away from me, I don't know what I would have done without them.


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## Gossip Goat (Nov 19, 2013)

I was never bullied in the direct way just sort of ostracized (which is considered an indirect way of bullying). It lead to isolation and self esteem/confidence issues.

My twin brother was ostracized more than I was and I think that affected me more than my own. u_u


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## nichya (Jul 12, 2014)

I don't know if it has been spoken yet but I wonder what kind (type) of people are bullies, I mean I am genuinely curious. Even adults, I have just bumped into this, for example: I just don't understand what kind of person has the time or the will to make fun of the clothes of a pregnant person? I can certainly see the kind of people that have not achieved anything near to this women but I just can't grasp what makes a person do that and what makes them think it is a good idea? The one on the clothes sounds definitely like a female too. I honestly don't know.


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## IIIIII (Oct 2, 2013)

nichya said:


> I don't know if it has been spoken yet but I wonder what kind (type) of people are bullies, I mean I am genuinely curious. Even adults, I have just bumped into this, for example: I just don't understand what kind of person has the time or the will to make fun of the clothes of a pregnant person? I can certainly see the kind of people that have not achieved anything near to this women but I just can't grasp what makes a person do that and what makes them think it is a good idea? The one on the clothes sounds definitely like a female too. I honestly don't know.



I have recently gone through and still am dealing with being cyber bullied, i'm an adult, and I can tell you the people that do things like this are the worst that society has to offer, it is a shame really, you would think that growing up would make the people that do this sort of thing change into better people, but it doesn't. In my case it all starts with the ones from High School that were supposed to be the cream of the crop, but really turned out not to be. Seventeen years later and the majority of them are still in the same place, doing and talking about the same things from back in the 90's, the perpetual jocks and in crowd that never realized that high school is over. You are right about the achievement aspect of it. I think it really just comes down to hate, and being mentally deficient in most cases. If its one thing I have learned is that one of the biggest character traits of unsuccessful people is being the type of person that will put others down, to bring themselves up. I know it, all the biggest writers on personal achievement know it too.


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## Kurt Wagner (Aug 2, 2014)

Wellsy said:


> boop












boop boop


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## December Flower (Mar 10, 2015)

I was bullied as a kid by my peers, because I never managed to quite fit in. I think it completely messed up my self confidence, undermined my social abilities and comfort and made me depressed for years.
Now I am an adult and still experience frequent feelings of inferiority and social anxiety. I am never satisfied with my own self and am incredibly harsh in my demands on my persona. I have problems to become close and open to people and have problem to be in a relationship.
Still I try to come across as self-confident and social and as I grew up, changed the company of people I often meet, I discovered, that I have very good social skills and can be friendly to people, however I still can't help myself but feeling inferior and fight with my own self, when it comes to close relationships with people.


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## TheEpicPolymath (Dec 5, 2014)

cry cry :


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## maybe_someday (Apr 5, 2015)

I was severely bullied in late primary school and early high school. It affected my life greatly. I had to be taken out of school and home-schooled. This made me isolated, and to be honest I became a hermit. Scared of the outside world. Developed Agoraphobia, Depression and Anxiety. For six years straight, I did absolutely nothing with my life except relive the moments at school and let the fear control me. I've seen people recover from their past quite easy, but I have no idea how they manage it. It took me seven years to accept the fact that I was bullied and left emotionally and psychologically scarred by it, to then acknowledge and overcome it. Even now, the past still affects me; I'm a lot more sensitive to words, and I'm always aware of people and what they're doing and saying, and if it has anything to do with me in a negative way. I always feel like someone's out to get me, judge me, hurt me. It could be just part of my personality also, but I believe the bullying was what triggered a lot of the fear that I have towards things (and people) in life.


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## Lord Bullingdon (Aug 9, 2014)

Like the OP, I was told I was an ugly monster in grade school. The other kids ostracised me--I was the kid you had to make fun of in order to be accepted. 

I was just raised with the idea, therefore, that I was ugly. Also that my presence was inherently rejectible, no one wanted me around, and I was a creep.

For about 20 years, I was tormented about my own lack of desirability (aided by the fact that no one really wanted to go out with me, ever). Then I went into a war zone, got chronically ill, and just stopped caring. I still feel bad that no one ever wanted me, but I'm getting older and I guess it's not going to matter much longer anyway.

I still struggle to befriend other humans, however. My "your presence is unwanted" feeling is so strong that...well, that basically I didn't even realize it. I had to sit down and ask myself why I behave as I do socially to realize that basically, I live my life on that assumption.

Both these issues have caused me a lot of torment in my time, and I believe I am a miserable failure today in no small part due to how my peers treated me as a child. The scars last. 

Kids, don't treat other kids like that. Parents, beat the shit out of your kids if they do. That's my feeling on it, anyway.


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## mrhcmll (Nov 22, 2013)

Was widely bullied at 6th grade. Lot's of people talking behind my back, calling me names, avoiding me, laughing at me. It's worse when you had to share a classroom with them for the whole year (we didn't change, we just had a single section).

The biggest change would be that I became a 9 and that it probably solidified me as INFP. Pretty sure I was an unhealthy 1 before.

Basically, through the process of reading all the mean comments online and hearing everything that I did wrong, I learned to be acommodating. It became my mission to please people and make sure they didn't hate me. Bullying probably made me passive-aggressive, I don't know. I just thought that I was nothing. It destroyed my self-esteem. That went on for like 2 years. I became scared of offending people and scared of standing up for myself.

But I guess, I'm thankful that it made me kind. It forced me to see everyone in a way that wasn't black and white. It's part of the reason why as much as possible, I don't hate anyone. I separate the act from the person. I developed empathy, brushed off Te into my last function.


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## bluh (Mar 30, 2015)

This is an on-going therapy subject for me, lol. All of my therapists have been trying to pin-point incidences in my past that left me in shambles but I don't ever come to some sudden realization of a particular terribly scaring incident I was hurt. I was _"bullied"_ mainly from age 10-17. I say that in quotations because, I was just picked on a little here and there...no more than anyone else...and mostly because I was trying to be different in some ways, finding my identity in my outward appearance. I expected some of the backlash from that and it didn't hurt. I was overweight most of my life, but no one ever called be names for it but I hated it.

The bullying I think I faced was much more subtle._ It was what DIDN'T happen that made me an outcast._

No one ever wanted to be my best friend, and if they did it was to make another person jealous.
No one ever wanted to date me. The three that did were desperate or just wanted sex.
I didn't get "crushes", so much of my life folks thought I was gay. But I got asked out by desperate (beautiful) gay ladies and turned them down, so not sure why the rumor mill never let that one go.
I went to prom alone, twice.
I was not religious during middle or high school, so I wasn't a part of a church or being baptized. (Not a good move in the Bible Belt)
Hanging out with large crowds was a chore for me, people eventually stopped asking.
I wasn't gifted, I had to work hard to do well in school. 
No talents to speak of, that made me feel like a "plain jane" compared to everyone else.

I guess all those things I picked up from non-verbal hints and lack of support. Meh. 
Puberty sucks.


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## EccentricSiren (Sep 3, 2013)

starvingautist said:


> I've never been bullied seriously, just teased a bit for being short, but it has had an effect. I hate being seen as 'cute' or weak at all, and I hate falling over because it feels so demeaning. I'd give anything to be a few inches taller.


I'd give anything to be a few inches shorter. Too bad there's not a way to magically average us out.


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## starvingautist (Mar 23, 2015)

@EccentricSiren
Life really sucks like that, doesn't it?


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## nichya (Jul 12, 2014)

I am really struck by how -universal- bullying is really and also furious that it can have life term effects on people. It is just so unfair for one to decide the fate of another, and we are talking about kids, this whole thing makes me sick. I think it either breaks you or makes you more vicious in life. It is all so animalistic that it makes me wonder if humanity evolved enough.

Hmm, for me, middle school was hell. It is also very ironic that it was a school for more gifted kids as they would have to pass an exam to go in. So it was the promised land for me although I didn't truly grasp why at the time. So in my head I was thinking it would be all cool science and learning, I was pretty curious and a geek in elementary school.

Anyway, around the time I began to experience puberty which was really tough on me ) You know some kids turn into pretty girls but it was the other way around for me. I was too naive and shy for my own good too and I wouldn't understand the terms kids used and they would trick me into saying things by asking me stuff >.> anyways, and my school uniform's skirt was too long and I was strictly dressed in the way on the school cataloge by my mom. Which makes sense right? Well not to a bunch of nasty kids of course. I was being made fun of here and there on looks and being naive but it wasn't that frequent, I was not particularly close to anyone either and all I cared was my schoolwork and learning a new language and my alone time but I did spend time with the girls as a group then it became less frequent as my mom didn't let me hang out with them at that age and go to the movie theatre and stuff, as I was brought up in a big city.

Anyways, it all actually started when I befriended this girl who was already being bullied. I remembered her from the day I was registered to the school and our numbers were consequent. I thought she was truly beautiful and very stylish with her spice girls platforms and a cute overalls with shorts and a bob haircut which definitely looked better on her. I didn't have an idea of self image, I just thought one day I would magically turn into a pretty girl just like in the books, lol.

Anyhow, I never really understood why people would pick on her, it was definitely not the looks and she was actually cool, would spend her time alone reading movie magazines and playing tamagotchi and she was sort of the first person to bring new cool trends to the classroom although people wouldn't talk to her or would just ask to check her stuff. I remember it started kind of when she struggled with grades, it was an english preparatory class of a whole year. I remember one day teacher asked her to read something and she read it in a way funny way and people would start laughing, well she wasn't too sharp but what they had truly missed was, she usually didn't care about the class, she would read her magazines under the desk and she had just stuffed her mouth with chocolate right before the teacher asked her to read, so she was clueless and when she was pointed the part she couldn't read because of all the chocolate she has stuffed in her mouth.

) Anyhow, somehow we became friends, we became the best friends ever and I was truly amazed how fun and loving she was. We wouldn't spend a minute apart until college. We would go home and talk to each other on the phone. She was head in clouds like me but she mostly loved pop culture and she made me like it too, I feel like I never had strong personality before as I was too parent pleasing. Then we became to follow trends and watch mtv and fill our heads with tons and tons of junk, impersonating book characters, dreaming about future, pretending to be on stage singing, actually we quite lived in a dreamland and inside jokes. Even today I don't understand why people were so cruel to her, like she would get a haircut and people would make fun of her hair looking like monica lewinsky?? or when she would check herself in the mirror and years later I learnt she is an ESFJ, a Fe-dom and she cared a lot and she cried a lot and I usually just listened to her because I didn't understand exactly why but I had to suffer with her throughout the whole thing and my looks were getting worse and worse, I don't know I thought it was more unfair to her than me. I don't regret it though, I had a precious friendship which only parted after college when she went to a therapist and became too narcissistic and look oriented with extra effort to her looks to fit in her new crowd then one thing followed another and she acted quite against her morals, like lying and using guys etc. I think that is the downside of ESFJs they can truly change. Also I am happy to befriend her as I was mostly all she had, could be more though on a Fe dom and I am happy that I got her.

Anyways, I truly hated my life in that period, the boys and a few girls, with the other girls I would get along, would always find ways to pick on us, we had this naive and cute momma's boy (to express extra cuteness :3 ), a common friend who even turned on us to be accepted by others. I didn't talk back much either, I was the kind with more empathy for them to think that if I said something back they would feel bad -_- ( my signature trait since kindergarten) but then I began to. It was a hell and I have grown to be very angry and rebellious and I didn't pay much attention to my studies as before so my parents and I argued a lot. I think that was the worst part, I hated the situation in school and when I needed some acceptance and love (although I was basically being unlovable) at home and they wouldn't understand me -at all- and we had terrible arguments. It was like no rest for me other than my best friend. I think I had too much care for my parents and I didn't want to make them sad so I never told them about school. They heard it form my best friend's mom. Although I do think my mom should know better, even my cousin would make fun of me in front of her and she wouldn't say anything, well about other things she says I was too little and dear( ) ) to have some care for my looks and that it would be against her beliefs as an educator to dress me up in something else than the very strict school uniform. Being an ESTP though, she never really understood my feelings, she would even mock my sensitivity and I was pretty shut off and not showing other than anger and rebelliousness I believe. 

Around the first year of high school I changed my looks a bit and wore less strict uniforms, around the second year or so I developed a possibly fake self confidence and somehow it worked, people started saying hi in the halls and they knew my name but they were genuinely saying hi so...Then I thought how shallow this was all and hate them more or it just lost its significance for me. After that noone made fun of me really also perhaps me and my best friend were parted to be in different classes as she chose to be in social sciences but we would spend our otherwise time together.

My college years were pretty alone as well, I just chose not the best friends, like one of them was pretty jealous of sharing with another but turned on me to cover her lies later on, the one she was jealous of was actually very endearing and I do think I should have spent more time with her. A friend of me says he doesn't remember me to be shy or introverted but I just know some people thought I was kind of weird. I didn't care much about college though, it was a small school. 

I don't know when exactly, oh yea, I almost had some kind of accident and that made me embrace my life, I became very worry less, I think that is when I cared less and I became much more cheerful and driven. I wanted to be greater so I learnt to socially be initiative as in presentations, professional networks, job interviews, I just built some confidence. Then I don't know after 22 or something boys began to develop an interest in me after dressing up less tomboy-ish and more mod like I guess? I also just think I met this fun group of friends who somehow liked my lead and I was high on Ne and always cheerful. Me, that bitter, broody, depressive person was totally brought out of her shell. I was out with my friends half of the week and I still worked a lot, I was chosen for a software giant's interviews in another city and I was asked out by many handsome guys and heard so much compliments which of course made me feel highly uncomfortable and I thought they were not serious but some did insisted and wow I never had so much attention in my life so I began to look in the mirror and began to like myself, I thought perhaps they meant it. I stopped caring about not looking perfect. My love life and work life went downhill after though but purely bad luck and me being still pretty naive, not a surprise after missing out so many years of teen-early adult wisdom.

Today, I am in a better place than all my bullies, so it does happen. One of the girls friended me on facebook and keeps liking my pictures -major eyeroll- so I thought I would have some sort of dislike but I don't know, she seems to be grown out of it -somehow- She studied law and she posts idealistic stuff even on body image and I am like -wow- but I guess people change or they just grow up  She sounds way depressed though, totally not that highly narcissistic girl pushing others around.

I socially drive people, although I am Fi and like to be alone, I just learnt how to initiate and be more active around people. Today I think I can master it perfectly when I am in a good mood. My INFJ friend says I am very influential and I assertive and people somehow listen to me. I think I just know how to give a push. I enjoy being the leader (yesh I know I am an INFP, in humane ways I mean or influencing people or making a presentation and adding a wow-factor, organizing events, inviting people out but I think I am acting and playing a game, a game of confidence and enthusiasm but I do it well when I am in the mood)

However, yes I feel like I am pretty damaged, I can't trust others easily, I don't understand when people are interested in me, I go lengths not to assume anything when they are obvious and when people say so but I just can't stop second guessing myself which makes people think I am not interested in them or that I am too much of a hard to get player, although yes I am >.> but I think they just think I am being like this to any guy which is quite the contrary I can never be around a person who is interested in me and I am not interested in them, and I am interested in a person once every lifetime or so v.V sigh...and I go crazy even when I am implied that some people were talking about me, my inferior Te gets the best of me and I blame them for making me the witch and that people are though on independent girls who wear black a lot and whatever crazy childish accusation. Although it is true, turns out last time the guy thought I rejected him and his 2 year of ENFP friend got super jealous so she pushed me out of the group by telling some not to invite me and influence the boy a great deal, well he didn't tell them that he continued to meet me once in a while and tell me things, making moves, opening up to me and making me open up to him..I still am heartbroken about this, to hear something about me from others. When people think I am too intense due to me being a type 4 sx or I don't know if all this made me one. I truly think that I can never be in a relationship which is already though for an sx/sp and with all the aversion and building walls and having trust issues and power games, my push and pulling to see if they really love me or that I believe I am unlovable. Although my ex bfs, even though they weren't that serious adult relationships say they have never felt the same way ever since. I truly feel like an outsider even when people feel close to me and they show a great deal of attention, I get suffocated by attention. Or say I began to hang out with a group and I begin to like them and a friend says something like they just think you are too intense and I just shut off completely. I never have social concerns, especially after learning to drive people - never manipulate or never being calculative- but influencing and organizing events etc. I couldn't care less but I feel like I can never trust people and I miss a connection. 

I get depressed quite easily, although I do have an optimistic vibe I am just on both edges in the same day and being a 4 I wallow in my moodiness and I argue with my parents a lot and reflect them my misery, then I hate doing so, they did play a part in all this but they are good people and they took great care of me, just not emotionally, so I feel horrible doing so. Stealing their happiness....and because of other people and the fact that I am just too naive and sensitive and easily hurt by others. Then I get angry thinking that they have such power over me and that people are just so unfair. I often want to do grand things too but I can't help thinking that I can't or I don't deserve it. Ugh, so I might be driven by it to a degree but I am tired of acting so tough and not letting anyone in. I am just so tough and independent and I feel like I have to fake the happiest face ever when people hurt me it is just so pointless and perhaps the only thing that conflicts my integrity. I want to be calm and dreamy as I am at times of ease and content but then I am hurt and I become this fun super enthusiastic 7 or super charged and driven and tough and independent raging 8 when I am wallowing in being a 4 when I am alone. It is so difficult really to keep a hard shell and a soft core.

It really makes me angry to think of others, people who had it worse, my best friend, a guy who had to drop school and join the police academy because of his race and that his parents were poor. I hate them all spoiled kids ruining lives of others and getting away with it too. I think that strikes me most. How can they be so cruel? I truly don't understand. Even that video I have posted earlier, just unbelievable how people go on living with this.


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## Metalize (Dec 18, 2014)

It permanently changes your relationship with humanity as a whole, because you never feel 100% at ease or secure anymore, because there is always that undercurrent of a thought spent wondering who might be a possible threat, or who is/was a bully, and if those tendencies are still there but socially covered up.

You also carry some trace of sadness, though it fades into the background after a while and becomes barely noticeable, but never truly goes away. Because now you know what people are capable of, despite what they might superficially be doing, and it becomes much more difficult to trust anyone.

That being said, I'm happy for my experience because I'd rather know the truth, at least about what some people are capable of doing for no legitimate reason, than be one of those people who have no idea what goes on around them because they're either oblivious or somehow complicit in bullying and don't realize it themselves (which miraculously, somehow happens).


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## Eska (Aug 18, 2014)

Through elementary school and highschool, I haven't been bullied myself, although, I was part of these "circles" that did bully, I was never actively bullying but I was an observer.

I always waited for a moment where I could isolate the individual who was bullied earlier, and spoke to them in private, questioning them about how they felt and then trying to reassure them.

I think that being such a close witness to bullying and intervening with the victims on a personal level, had the effect of helping me further my understanding of people, in a sense. Perhaps developing my "Fe" to a further extant, or maybe my sense of empathy.

I think I would have a lower level of empathy or "Fe", if I hadn't been in touch with bullying.


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## TheProphetLaLa (Aug 18, 2014)

Eska said:


> Through elementary school and highschool, I haven't been bullied myself, although, I was part of these "circles" that did bully, I was never actively bullying but I was an observer.
> 
> I always waited for a moment where I could isolate the individual who was bullied earlier, and spoke to them in private, questioning them about how they felt and then trying to reassure them.
> 
> ...


LOL. This is so cute in an Eskimo-ish way. Trust you to be the one person who got something good out of bullying.


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## Sourpuss (Aug 9, 2014)

A lack of self-confidence may lead to a lack of achievement. Why try if you'll fail anyway?

A lack of faith/trust in people/society will lead to fewer relationships. Without friends or emotional support, without connections and charisma, you probably aren't going far.


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## Ninjaws (Jul 10, 2014)

I was badly bullied for years. For me it has had a positive effect though. Now when I see someone who is weak, ugly, or miserable I feel like giving them a hand simply because I know what it is like to feel like the world is your enemy.


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## penguin.ink (Apr 9, 2015)

I'm sorry that happened to you. The thing is I think being bullied will affect you no matter what; it's just how you react. However, it usually happens in school when EVERYONE is learning to "grow up" (though some never do...). How I handled it was bottling it all up. 

What gets me is this one time I went to school & I brought a different purse which I stuffed all my money I've saved since I was little (I obviously forgot where I stored the green mass). Anyhow, I noticed the bulge & it all pulled out. & then my memory clicked in while I was all of a sudden surrounded by half the class. A particular bully towards me said, "Hey, if you give me that $50, I'll stop bullying you for the rest of the year." I was intoxicated with the power I had over them. I was glad a teacher told me to put it all away 'cause I WAS more than tempted to have a break from him! But then again, he'd go back on his word wouldn't he? What puzzled me was that he knew what he was doing to me & admitted it. Publically.

He's not my worst bully, but my main point is this: I forgot where I hid tons of dough, but I can still remember his words.

& yes, being bullied has affected my life greatly both in good & bad ways especially since I'm an ENFP. However, it doesn't matter who I meet 'cause I'm an honest, open book & if we don't get along, it's fine by me!
HOWEVER, my friends think I'm just an energetic, nervous ball of smiles (which I am). But, I was once talking with my cousin & she commented how calm & insightful I am. Next day, I asked my friends if they thought of me as my cousin had. They laughed. For a long while.

Interesting... So I'm probably comfortable with family completely because they can't run away from me... (heh heh heh)

So, don't let it worry you, it's life, you learn things from experience & determine how you will treat people & find out what's really important!


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## allanzo (Feb 6, 2014)

Woops. Sorry for double post.


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## bluesontuesday (Jun 4, 2014)

Yes, I've been bullied. I've been told I was ugly, stupid and dumb. The 'cool kids' obviously didn't like me and they told me to stay away from them, so I did, but that didn't stop the bullying. 

The bullying caused me to withdraw completely. When I was eight, I got into therapy for about two years, because the only thing I did at school was stare into the distance. I cut off my hair completely when I was nine and I started writing.

It has taken me years to accept myself for who I am. Now I'm ninteen, and everyone wants to meet and be with me. I'm a student, a tutor and an editor in chief. I get told I'm beautiful and intelligent all the time. I make out with guys and then I reject their relationship requests. I have lots of friends, but I barely let them in. 

People may think I've turned my life around, but I'm still as lonely as I used to be when I got bullied. Sometimes I still feel like I'm not good enough to be a part of anyone else's life. The only difference is that I'm quite happy with the way things are.


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## EccentricSiren (Sep 3, 2013)

While for me the bullying itself wasn't as bad as it is for some people (I read the transcript of some text messages sent to a pre-teen girl in my community, and what I went through was child's play compared to what these other people were apparently doing to her), but I've come to realize that part of the reason it affected me so much was because of something that happened before the bullying began. 
When I was a baby, I got seriously ill and had to be taken to the hospital. After that, anything about me that was unusual or different was blamed on the fact that I had been ill. I was told it had affected my brain and that there was something wrong with me. And, as an INFP in the making, you'd better believe I had my share of quirks. A lot of them were explained away by, "well, she was ill, and it affected her brain, so maybe we'd better get her into therapy for it." So the first message I remember receiving about myself was, "there's something wrong with you. You're not like other people who don't have something wrong with them." I highly doubt that was the intended message, but that was the message I received. By the time I was 6, I was fully aware there was something "wrong" with me. That's pretty heavy stuff for a 6-year-old to process. I was about 8 when the bullying started, and that just confirmed there was something wrong with me. That feeling of being defective has stayed with me. It's gotten better, but it's still there. It's like no matter what I do, there's still that feeling that there's something wrong with me.


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## Aelthwyn (Oct 27, 2010)

@EccentricSiren I didn't experience that quite as severely as you but I think it's a very good point you bring up. As I look back on things, my mom was a little prone to thinking I might have all sorts of different problems... like determined to make me a little fixer-upper project. I refused to be tested for certain things because I knew that getting labeled with some problem or other would just lead to worse things for myself and so long as I was managing school alright I just wanted to be left alone and not have a whole bunch of "things wrong with me" tacked on. I recall one day sometime after college when I finally realized this sort of.... projected hypochondriac thing and resolved to be firm about the fact that "I'm just fine mom" and try to keep her worries distanced from myself. I can definitely see how this message that you're damaged can have quite an impact.


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## NatureChaser (May 22, 2014)

When I was in middle scholl all male students call me "insane". I don't know why, I never speak or laugh by myself, or doing anything an insane person would do. It was started near the first days on middle school. When it was lunch time I thought it was time to go home and they start laugh at me and called me insane. It's still affects my life. Everytime I hear male people laugh I always think they laugh at me. And I always wanna proof to male people that I'm not insane. Oh, when I was in my primary school, I forget what grade I was, I also bullied by one of my classmate. She was inconsistent at bullying me. Sometimes she bullied me and sometimes she was very kind with me. I was so stupid why I still accept her as my friend when she was very kind with me. Maybe because I'm too sensitive and dislikes conflict so I always forgive her whether I want it or not. I've never met her again but I've promised to myself I won't be kind with her again


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## Retsu (Aug 12, 2011)

Not so much bullied as bitched about in recent years. It's made me a lot colder I'd say. I used to be a nice person but now I don't particularly place a lot of value in being friendly. Don't see the point.


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## dreamlore (Mar 20, 2015)

I was bullied a fair bit in school (some years) and in Girl Scouts. We went camping once, and several of the girls made a scene because I couldn't make decent French toast. I still hate French toast.

But in all seriousness, it had quite a negative impact on my self esteem when I was young. I have overcome most of that negativity, but I still struggle with the shadow of it at times.


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## ConspiracyTheory (Apr 13, 2014)

There is something in the ego-consciousness that is evil.

It projects it's insecurity onto others.

I believe nobody, God, or other metaphyical entities promised that life should be without suffering or cruelty.

Almost everyone has bullied and almost everyone has been on the receiving end. That's the fact of being part of a species that has a shadow half of their psyche, especially children and teens who are just beginning their self awareness of the repressed parts inside them. 


I believe what the Native American said, "suffering brings growth to the soul." And it's the reason for the archetype the "trickster" aka "the jester." By laughing we can ease the pain that comes with the necessary suffering for soul growth.


It was through being bullied that I learned to analyze my emotions and compare them with others, (empathy). analyze my worth as a living being and compare that worth to others. (Dignity). You come out a better person in the end or your shadow pulls you deep under it.


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## Arzazar Szubrasznikarazar (Apr 9, 2015)

I was bullied through most of primary school, called names, etc. but it was somewhat tolerable. I tried fighting back by also calling them names (though I wasn't as good at it because I'm not a fast talker) or by running after them with heavy item like a chair in my hand and stuff.

Two last years of primary school were a nightmare that ruined my career and possibly even killed me.

There were two worst bullies. The first one first attacked me somewhere in the end of 6th grade. He threatened to beat me up and later was insulting and threatening me. At some point he was moved to my class. At some point i realised he was all words, and started kicking his ass every time he insulted me. For some reason we became frenemies and he haven't stopped bullying me psychologically, even when every time I retaliated.

Another was a manipulative type that was liked by most of teachers and usually had 4s from most of subjects. He was a worse student than me but at least wasn't completely hopeless like most of them. He was bullying some students and sexually molesting girls and got away with it all. One of the guys from my class gave him a black eye for bullying him and parents of the bully sued him!
At some point at the start of the 8th grade, I accidentally offended his family in a political topic and he started bullying me together with his buddies. I couldn't stop him because I wasn't very strong and dexterous. And no one wanted to help me or to organize effective resistance to him and his clique.

It was all unbearable. I started having trouble sleeping, lying in bed and thinking obsessively of some way of stopping the bullies. I started having attacks of rage where I would kick furniture or throwing things. 

I tried to hire an older dude I knew from English course to beat them up but for all his bragging about his criminal activities, he wasn't interested in doing it.

I was increasingly escaping into world of video games. My grades in the last class have worsened - from 5s and 4s and an occasional 6 to 4s and in the last class hit the bottom with a lot of 3s and 2s.

I remember that it was then, in the 7th grade when I first heard about gun saints. In 1999, there was the famous Columbine High School massacre. I admired the holy martyrs that delivered death and destruction to their school.
I was often thinking about attacking my school, for example by setting fire by gas pipes. These were quite impractical fantasies. Logically, speaking, the most logical and righteous thing would be bringing a knife to school and killing the director.
Anyway, I had to start visiting a psychologists. I remember telling them that I want to kill my class. They told me that it's not worth to kill a piece of shit and go to prison like for killing a real human being. It was quite convincing XD .

During eight class, my health started deteriorating, I gained weight and my sight worsened. Finally, besides insomnia, I started to have severe stomach aches and diarrhoea. I had to stop going to school. I was going through various diagnostics before it was decided that it's for psychological causes. 
I don't know how I finished primary school (IIRC I finished it thanks to private tutoring), but I had very bad grades from all subjects and I couldn't get into any state high school.

So, during the last two years of primary school, I was transformed for the first time.

I had to go to a private high school and there were also bullies but not as bad as in primary school. I had problems maintaining frequency and had rage attacks, mainly kicking or slamming doors. Also, I hated my class because there were many wicked people.
I quit that high school on a second year after I had to go for a mandatory class trip. I was one of two sober people there and it was just too much for me.

I moved to a state school but despite that I finally had a normal, friendly class, I had trouble going to school and trouble sleeping and often when I encountered some ideological enemies or some wrong, I had trouble sleeping and had intrusive, obsessive thoughts about it and intrusive feelings of rage. I was also addicted to video games. Also, I felt burned-out with school and stuff like that.
I had very poor frequency in high school, barely above 50%. I often was afraid to go to school, had problems staying on lessons, also, I had stomach problems - I would often have to go to toilet just before going out to school, which made getting there on time practically impossible.
After the 8th grade of primary school I never had normal frequency at school again, it simply became impossible.

During that time I still had attacks of rage. I destroyed doors/damaged in most of closets in my room and kitchen. I also once punched and broke a bathroom mirror.

Around 2000 I started my several years adventure with Warhammer and Warhammer 40,000. I was trying to learn sculpting miniatures for a long time and I started buying White Dwarf magazines and Warhammer Monthly comics. At some point in 2004 or 2003 I got a mega-paint set and a few boxes of greenstuff and was spending several hours a day sculpting and painting. I wanted to be a professional painter/sculptor. Sadly a psychiatrist convinced me that it's not a "realistic" idea. Bitch.

I repeated second year in the second high school. In the repeated class, I finally found some cool friends that I stayed in contact with for many years. I had to repeat third year in 2003 but they kicked me out of that school for all the absences and slow progress.
Following advice of the school director, I went to a school for adults which was a weekend school.
Here's a drawing from that period:
http://i.imgur.com/bPJOEd3.png

During most of that time I experienced terrible loneliness which stopped only when I got access somewhere in 2004.

Then my evil ex-father decided that I have to go to work because I'm not in a day school, despite that I wasn't capable of even going to day school. He stopped paying alimony and sued me to take away my right to alimony.
First instance of court took away my alimony, second restored it but in insufficient amount and decided that I somehow had to earn the rest at work despite being incapable of working. Then my family's financial nightmare has begun because my evil ex-father stopped paying alimony at all (meanwhile he was living like a king, driving an expensive car and bought himself a second flat).
To make things worse, my mother's company had much less income than in late 90s and early 2000s.

In october, 2005, I started a gallery on Deviantart. Here's one of my first drawings in it:
Spiteful by ForgottenDemigod on DeviantArt

In late 2005 I suffered another traumatic event. I was attacked on streets a few times by two neo-nazi thugs (separately). I started having trouble going out, I felt constantly threatened outside. I stopped going out for walks. I convinced my mother to enrol me on Krav Maga lessons. I went there for half a year (though I had to quit after a contusion) and gained more strength and self-confidence. While it didn't make me feel safe (rather like going out on a patrol), a few times I met one of the attackers and a subtle shift of my position convinced him to fuck off.
In that time I became obsessed with idea of death penalty for violent crime and extermination of violent criminals. I got into a lot of internet arguments about it. I was transformed again. I saw people who argued against my ideas as enemies and allies of violent criminals. I stopped being able to have distance myself from internet arguments in general. During these discussions I often felt similarly as when I was bullied in the end of primary school. The same sense of helpless rage and degradation by the other.

For a long time (over a year or a few years, I think) I had violent nightmares where I would be attacked by some attackers and I had to run away and/or kill them in hand to hand combat. It was when I became afraid to sleep.
Also, I started having concentration problems when learning, especially with dry technical stuff and general problems with memory. Before that I used to be very creative with modding, I was doing a lot of scripting, I found it very easy to learn maths, etc. but then I started having problems understanding more complicated stuff because I started having short term memory problems. Everything became so disjointed.


I finished high school in 2006. I had very bad grades. I barely passed maturity exam. I had 4 from written English, 5 from spoken English, 2 from Polish and 4 from Knowledge about Society (a bullshit subject that didn't require studying). I couldn't get into any university with grades like these.

I think at some point during that time I went on a job interview for tech support in a local telecommunication company and it turned out that the interviewer was a guy from my second high school which remembered my attacks of rage. Also I had problem answering questions during he interview, especially the one to test my ability to communicate with strangers and unpleasant people. So, I didn't get that job.

Here are two drawings from that dark period:
Pure Evil and Hate by ForgottenDemigod on DeviantArt

Another mandala by ForgottenDemigod on DeviantArt

In the end of June, 2006 my mother forced me to go to London to my uncle and search for a job there.
I didn't get even a single interview despite going to a job centre every day and applying to physical work offers. For a month I didn't have a computer and internet which was very difficult for me, because the feelings of loneliness and despair returned because I was separated from people I knew and my uncle was usually working until late. Also, I missed a computer.
One time I had an attack of rage and threw my cell phone at wall, damaging its screen.
At some point my uncle brought me an old PC with Windows XP so, I could at least play some games and work on my mods. I felt better. Also, I managed to find a way to register in a local library to get internet access for an hour a day and borrow books.
I started to like London and I felt much safer there. Also, I liked the perspective of earning a lot of money.
Sadly, as I learned latter, London is the worst place for an unskilled person to look for a job and additionally I was there in the worst period because the place was crawling with seasonal workers who came there for vacation (later one my friend had similar problems with finding a job there and he got a job only after moving to another town).
In the middle of September my uncle had to repair his car, so he could no longer pay for my room and food and I had to move back to Poland. I was very unhappy about it because I would be threatened with violence in Poland but I had no choice.
When I returned to Poland, I bought myself a can of tear gas for self-protection.

I enrolled to a private English college with a specialisation in of journalism. Because I wanted to be a journalist that crusades for Truth and Justice. I passed entry exam but I got a confirmation over a month after classes began, which was the beginning of problems.

Here are two drawings from around the time I started studying:
Elven Lady by ForgottenDemigod on DeviantArt
(link to image: http://fc09.deviantart.net/fs12/i/2006/310/8/9/Elven_Lady_by_ForgottenDemigod.jpg )

Alienation by ForgottenDemigod on DeviantArt

Meanwhile there were political trouble starting in my country. An especially vile party got political power and they had vile plans of censoring media, especially games and music. There was a constant sense of threat of censorship.
Of vile alien hand reaching out to destroy work of creators.
I thought about it obsessively and had trouble relaxing and often had trouble sleeping.
To make things worse, my resistance to lack of sleep has decreased drastically and not sleeping resulted in migraines and irritability. I suffered this for a week and then simply started waking up after 8 hours sleep, no mater what hour I managed to get asleep at.

Here are some of my drawings from that dark period:
Hero by ForgottenDemigod on DeviantArt

First to Fight by ForgottenDemigod on DeviantArt

Distaste by ForgottenDemigod on DeviantArt

World Concentration Camp by ForgottenDemigod on DeviantArt

The Banner To Die For by ForgottenDemigod on DeviantArt

Censorship by ForgottenDemigod on DeviantArt

At some point I realised that there are two vile ideological enemies of the worst kind in my 5 person class. I was talking about our favourite games with one guy and we talked about evils of censorship and suddenly they expressed their love of censorship and fanatical hatred of freedom of creators. I immediately stopped viewing them as human beings and started obsessively hating them and wishing them death.
I often would lay down in bed in late night, full of helpless rage. I thought as bad as when I was bullied in the end of primary school. It was a nightmare. Having to share time and space with these vile hostile alien creatures. It was unbearable. I couldn't focus on lessons and my sleep schedule became even more erratic.
Additionally I found my self in a conflict of values with the class because they were cheating on exams which is a think I don't do. I thought about denouncing the two enemies to teacher but I didn't because the rest of the class could hate me for snitching.

There was also a time with my reactions altered by bullying sliding into discussions on video gaming forums, where I was no longer able to keep my cool when encountering opponents of my cherished gaming values (it was in the dark times before Kickstarter where fanatics of FPP games falsely claimed about how isometric view and turn-based mode are outdated. There were many of them and they were fanatically dedicated to their lies and supported by corrupt game journalists. The same journalists that now give high notes to games like Wasteland 2 and Pillars of Eternity, believed that such games were a relic of the past. Lying scum engaging in cultural vandalism.)

Here's a few drawings illustrating my growing sense of alienation and disgust:
Heart of Purity by ForgottenDemigod on DeviantArt

Internal Emigration by ForgottenDemigod on DeviantArt

In the end I haven't passed the first semester, because of problems with studying/sleeping/etc. and joining a month too late.
I was kicked out of the college.

I went to a "website design course" which turned out to be just a basics of HTML course. I wanted to know more, so in March, 2007 I went to an IT junior college with specialisation in computer graphics. It was a pretty bad school, with most of students being interested only in avoiding the army (I was considered unfit for service due to all that stuff that happened to me). 
We restarted programming 3 times because working students didn't have time to study and I didn't know yet how to create a studying habit. Somewhere around that time I stopped having attacks of rage.

Here's a drawing I drawn after hearing about the Vtech massacre. In the comment I expressed some seriously misguided views on media treatment of school shootings:
Instead of a School Massacre by ForgottenDemigod on DeviantArt


And soon, two last drawings about censorship:
Stormtroopers of Freedom by ForgottenDemigod on DeviantArt

Bloodliberation by ForgottenDemigod on DeviantArt
http://fc01.deviantart.net/fs13/f/2007/117/d/6/Bloodliberation_by_ForgottenDemigod.jpg

I was sliding deeper and deeper into misanthropy. Hmm... I remember drawing this one during lessons:
Genocide Machine by ForgottenDemigod on DeviantArt

And some sense of helplessness:
There's No Free Will by ForgottenDemigod on DeviantArt

I don't remember the period of second half of 2007 to first half of 2008 well.

I know that I drew some works promoting death penalty for almost everyone:
Justice by ForgottenDemigod on DeviantArt
http://fc08.deviantart.net/fs18/f/2007/153/b/6/Justice_by_ForgottenDemigod.jpg

Justice 2 by ForgottenDemigod on DeviantArt

There were also some changes in my drawing style. At that time I was taking free drawing classes in local youth palace and I finally got a good drawing textbook.
Reborn in Darkness by ForgottenDemigod on DeviantArt
This work is pretty important because it shows for the first time some of the ideas present in my current Decaying Wonderland series.

Here I started experimenting with... something:
Christmas Demon by ForgottenDemigod on DeviantArt

Oddly, the first half of 2008 is free of works depicting slaughtering enemies:
I drew some concept sketches:
Brotherhood Paladin by ForgottenDemigod on DeviantArt
There seems to be a big progress between the two:
Electric Knight by ForgottenDemigod on DeviantArt

Generally, there seems to be some of moody stuff like:
Damaged Life by ForgottenDemigod on DeviantArt

Necrotic by ForgottenDemigod on DeviantArt

In April 2008 I got a job as a security guard in a hotel thanks to nepotism. It was pretty horrible because some moron thought that 12 hour workdays are a great idea. 
Contempt by ForgottenDemigod on DeviantArt

I had trouble sleeping and after a week of sleeping 4 hours a day, I couldn't get asleep at all and was like a zombie and unable to do my duties, so I called in sick after which I got fired. Everyone got very angry at me for some weird reason.
At work I sometimes had trouble holding back tears because I was terrified that my mother's property valuation company will go bankrupt and it will be over for us.

I bought myself a Warhammer 40,000 Rogue Trader Rulebook which was very important for my further development as an artist.

I got another job in a month later. Cleaning in a factory. I was lucky because a lot of workers resigned and they needed lots of people "for yesterday" so they couldn't do the usual recruitment through nepotism.
It was a very unpleasant job and factory was noisy and the job was about cleaning spilled machine oil from the floor. After some time when I closed my eyes I would see spilling oil and hear the noise of machines. Despite that the conditions were much worse than in an office job, it paid only minimal wage. It caused me to revise my political and social views. I used to have contempt for workers and had libertarian views. I gained new respect for physical jobs and seeing how much depends on regulations and how senseless is how rewards for work are set, I changed my views to social-democratic.

I worked there only for a month, because I was still suffering from effects of my late primary school bullying. I got late to work a few times because I had to go to toilet for a longer time just before going out. Finally I solved the problem by going to toilet just after arriving to work. Then I started having to go to toilet more and more often (several years later I realised that this was caused by chafing by toilet paper, especially poor quality one available at work, not by stress).
At some point I learned that someone has snitched on me, lying that I go to toilet to draw. Such lies drove me to rage.
Generally, I felt worse and worse, though, also because of financial worries and about 20 days after I started working I started having horrible stomach aches and diarrhoea like in primary school and I was unable to go to work any more and I was fired.

Another thing was that I had obsessive intrusive thoughts during work. I was plagued by thought that I'm doing the same work as someone living in UK but my work was considered 4,5x worse in money. How was it possible? How could my work be 4,5x worse than the same work? Was my time worse than time of someone living in UK? Was my suffering any less?
Vile mechanics of this world! Of course I couldn't work 4,5x slower, no, I had to do the same best quality work for less money. I thought about it almost all the time during work. I grew more and more distant from the rest of the crew which just tolerated things as they are, without any real morality.
During that time I bought myself two Warhammer 40k novels, each of which costed me 80% of a daily wage.

I would read and draw when travelling to work. I quickly learned that public transport is extremely faulty because there is almost always not enough seats for the transported amount of people and there are laws of the jungle where one has to get to a seat as quick as one can. I mastered the art of dashing to a free seat and I almost always sat but it left quite a distaste. How was it possible that two people paying the same for a seat would be travelling in so different levels of comfort?

When travelling, I was usually reading or drawing. Here are some drawings from my notebook from that time:
http://i.imgur.com/q28Mv6v.png

http://i.imgur.com/vqZeNmK.png

http://i.imgur.com/MWtRyN8.png

http://i.imgur.com/TxFOIRn.png

I was a Wh40k fan for a long time. Between 2000 and 2003 I was collecting White Dwarf magazines. Then I stopped receiving pocket money and couldn't afford them any more. Besides that I started listening to music, so even when I had money, I'd spend them on CDs.
I especially enjoyed reading Index Astartes articles about different Space Marine legions/chapters. My favourite legions were Night Lords and Iron Warriors.
I especially liked the history of the Night Lords primarch - Konrad Curze.
Konrad Curze - Lexicanum


After the unpleasant adventures with work, I decided to go to a day school. I went to an advertisement junior college because it was supposed to have lots of drawing and computer graphics lessons which could be useful for web design.

Here are two drawings I drew somewhere during the vacations:
Rebel Worker by ForgottenDemigod on DeviantArt

Worker Knight by ForgottenDemigod on DeviantArt

And another. Unrelated to the two previous, though.
Self-Portrait by ForgottenDemigod on DeviantArt

End of Part I.


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## chanteuse (May 30, 2014)

reading the posts makes me angry and sad at the same time :-(

a tender heart of a child is so easily bruised. To be bullied, belittled, picked on, criticized, ostracize growing up by the peers (AND significant adult figures like caretakers and teachers) could permanently shaped a young one's mind and cognitive functions.

the wound may heal but it doesn't disappear. it's like having arthritis, acting up when it's cold and wet. 

I don't know what to say to make it better. you guys are all survivors; soldiers back from the wars.


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## kittenbells (Apr 2, 2015)

Do verbal and emotional abuse count as bullying (legitimate question they're similar I don't even know what the difference is) because if so yes, however I'm still young and have time to escape from the mindset it has left me in.

I do not open up to anyone about my emotions, I lack self confidence in things that require "book smart" intelligence, and (as cheesy as it sounds), I have not let myself "love" anyone (platonically or romantically).

But on the bright side this gave me tough skin, an inability to get phased by anything, it's made me wiser, and I've learned to fake self confidence. 

I'm honestly fine with where I'm at for now, though. I take it as both a vice and a virtue.


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## Arzazar Szubrasznikarazar (Apr 9, 2015)

kittenbells said:


> Do verbal and emotional abuse count as bullying (legitimate question they're similar I don't even know what the difference is) because if so yes, however I'm still young and have time to escape from the mindset it has left me in.


Yes. And I remember reading that this kind of bullying is most likely to cause a mental disorder in a victim.


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## kittenbells (Apr 2, 2015)

Arzazar Szubrasznikarazar said:


> Yes. And I remember reading that this kind of bullying is most likely to cause a mental disorder in a victim.


Oh I'm familiar with a few of those hahahaha.
Yeah that doesn't surprised me.


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## dracula (Apr 5, 2015)

I was bullied for a few years from when I was about 11 till when I was maybe 14. Mostly verbal abuse and for example placing my shoes very high up (I used to be very short). Interestingly, it was done by the whole class but the girls still behaved as if they were my friends, meaning that I was never _excluded_ from the group. It was due to me dressing and behaving in a way that differed from the standard and I learned to think the bullying was thus justified and that I deserved it. It stopped when I gradually started looking like every other girl in my school (which I have now given up on and I've moved to a personalized style while appearing confident). 

I am fairly certain that this didn't leave me any scars, I sometimes might worry a bit too much about what other people think of me but I still make all my decisions based on how I feel like myself. I've forgiven everyone who participated in the bullying and would like to believe that they also feel sorry for that. Of course it was horribly wrong what they did and I have no idea how I survived from the ongoing abuse so well but during that time I had bigger things to worry about so I guess I just didn't give it that much thought back then.


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## Elistra (Apr 6, 2013)

I would have been, if I hadn't done something underhanded... heh.

The dysfunctional home life I had as a child was actually an asset, in that I had already learned that genuine affection was apparently too much to ask, and that the best I could hope for was to manipulate people via their perceptions of self-interest. In school, I used my brain to purchase bodyguards... I'd make deals with kids that had already been held back a couple times, yeah? In exchange for correct answers on the dittos, etc. they beat the piss out of anyone who bothered me. Some of them were even a couple grades higher than me... and I still gave them the right answers with little trouble. (If you're even halfway bright, school's pretty much a joke until you get to college.) I made it in their manifest best interests to ensure my safety and well-being, and however academically ungifted they were, they had enough common sense to understand where their best interests lay. 

And this is how a (then) undersized, somewhat clumsy, and (prior to 9 years of age, when I had my tonsils removed) somewhat sickly little white girl survives school in Flint. 

I remember the names of one of them... Twila. Can't remember the last name. No idea what happened to her, or where she is now.... this was nearly thirty years ago. 

I wonder if she is still alive?


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## Magnetism (Apr 25, 2015)

It has had a profound impact on me. Bullying is a form of abuse, and is detrimental to a child's development. If a child grows up feeling insecure, out of place, unwanted, and feels that they have to put up with bad behavior- this will shape how they choose healthy relationships as adults. An adult may be acting from the same place where they were bullied. It's extremely important for bullied kids to have caring adults around them to teach them that they're worth something and deserve better.


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## mhysa (Nov 27, 2014)

Magnetism said:


> It has had a profound impact on me. Bullying is a form of abuse, and is detrimental to a child's development. If a child grows up feeling insecure, out of place, unwanted, and feels that they have to put up with bad behavior- this will shape how they choose healthy relationships as adults. An adult may be acting from the same place where they were bullied. It's extremely important for bullied kids to have caring adults around them to teach them that they're worth something and deserve better.


i agree with all of this.

i was raised in a verbally abusive environment, and i was bullied pretty badly in middle school. i was bitter and angry about it for a while, but i've made my peace with it and now i think the lasting effect is that it just makes me want to be kinder to people. i'm actually grateful for it, i think it's made it easier for me to relate to and empathize with people, and the process of coming to terms with it involved becoming more comfortable with myself. i understand that it doesn't turn out this way for everyone, but i feel like it's made me a stronger person in general.


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## The Chief (Mar 17, 2015)

Hmm just remembered this thread and thought I would add my story, guess there is some bullying somewhere in it. So in early elementary school it was me and my two best friends. We were quite liked amongst all the kids there it was nice then, from the total financial stability to just not really having to worry about anything. Eventually though my best friend (lets go by initials for this) S. was moving to North Carolina with his family. He gave me a little business card with his families email on it to keep in touch. Problem is my Mom didn't waste time to throw it out, claiming that he was a bad influence (I think that he would have had quite the opposite effect, maybe even keeping me from getting involved with the real bad ones later). So it was just me and K. We were fine for a while until we had a major falling out. Soon after I got involved with some genuine budding sociopaths (I say this because of a few things. The total lack of empathy and thought about others. Oh and the lead kid even killed his cat, one clean knife throw did it). We got in trouble on the regular, detentions were a weekly thing. Now the lead kid was quick to alienate other kids from this group, claiming to have "used them" though no real gain was apparent. Naturally with this method of "leadership" (If I can call it that) my time to leave came relatively quick. So there I was, no one to really fall back on and thats were the isolation began.

Over the next few years and into middle school K. and I turned the other kids against each other. At one point we even had messengers to talk to each other with. We manipulated and I'm pretty sure hurt people in the process. Eventually though he had convinced everyone to side with him. At that point it was better to keep a low profile, keep to myself. It didn't take too long for them to move on to something else (Middle school kids you know, the attention span it limited). There were still some kids that would do alot of "talking" so to speak so it was still consistent (Yeah try having glasses in a pre 2010 school setting, not fun. But now its a fashion statement!? Damn pouty hipsters! And polos really? How are those cool now?). As a result I didn't really get too involved with socializing with other students until around late Sophomore year of high school. Now that left me behind the curve since that time is important in developing your social skills. I have improved but I am still left somewhat cynical and just generally unsure of the intentions of other people my age. Though it has helped me become more emphatic of other people. Thats all I have time to type at the moment. I will probably do some editing later.


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## Belrose (Dec 23, 2011)

I was bullied since 3rd to 9th grade. I was once pushed off the top of a slide in 3rd grade and hit concrete which knocked me out and I couldn't move my legs for a little while when I regained consciousness. Thankfully that wasn't permanent.

I think some of the worst was in 6th grade after Wednesday night services two blocks from my home. I was told that three male students will attack me ( I knew their names ) from a girl who probably overheard them so I had to find places to hide when they were looking for me. I just wanted to get home, so I went through people's yards and climbed fences as shortcuts. This church also wasn't a very nice one, once the services were one they really couldn't give a crap about anything else so telling the adults were pointless. These students by the way went after me before and one of those times I had to go into a nearby store for safety because they were running after me. Thankfully the store clerk called the police. The first time I got into a physical confrontation was actually _by_ one of them to where he pinned me down and started beating my face in. Of course I was scared shitless then but then I got pissed off and responded to hitting him with my binder hard enough to knock him off of me and make a run for it. These are just a few encounters I had with them.

In school the standard response was to "ignore it" by the teachers and counselors and if you defended yourself against them on school property you'd be suspended regardless of the reason.

By the way, one of the boys responsible is in jail for attempted murder because he tried gunning his girlfriend down.

I don't know why they went after me, they were also low-income like I was. I get the feeling they targeted other girls from the general vibe they give me. I don't know why I had more problems with guys than girls and as a result I'm very cautious around men.


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## AnalytiKathy (May 29, 2015)

series0 said:


> Society and bosses and women and so many others continue to be bullies in my estimation. They gang up, treat me and others unfairly, actually get off doing it, and often are rewarded by society for this competitive bullying behavior. Often, they don't even call it bullying because they are too stupid to realize that this is exactly what it is. That or they know and just do not care.
> 
> The difference is there is no authority to turn to now in most cases. The bullying I am referring to is something each person is just forced to handle on their own. Social one upmanship, a low class affectation almost everywhere present in our world these days, is rampant. It's just bullying. Plain and simple. Playground ethics from grown adults. Children in suits. Simpletons.
> 
> Also sadly these days people are allowed to be verbal bullies but not allowed to deliver a professional beating (well deserved) to these same bullies. Verbal violence and emotional violence is tolerated. But physical violence is not. It's nonsensical. There are soooooooooooooooooooo damn many verbal and emotional bullies out there its nuts! Its freeform warfare. Crazy epic silliness. Bullying is EVERYWHERE. Tons of people need to get beat to put things back into perspective. Not unwise hurtful beatings. Wise carefully delivered beatings. Of course, that is only my take on it. I could be wrong.


I agree with all of this!

I've picked up "bullying" vibes from some individuals-- It's the same feeling I used to get from the bullies in middle school, but as adults they hold back on the obvious stuff. But you still pick up on the energy and it is very hostile and negative.


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