# Nice girl + needy people= help I can't get out!



## Sanityhatesme (Apr 12, 2011)

So, I know there are a lot more interesting threads than this one about people's life issues. But I would really like some help with mine.

I know my issues aren't astronomical, and I'm sure many have had them at one time or another. But right now, they seem extremely overwhelming to me.

I'm too nice. That is my problem. I know it doesn't seem like much of one, but its really hurting me. Every day at school, I put on the cheerful face to make everyone around me feel better. But as soon as that mask comes on, so do the problems. It has lessened alot since junior high school, but I still attract the problem people who *need* my help. Whether its just someone to talk to, or be close to, or hell be friends with! They're always there, lurking in the shadows. Now, I like helping people. I really do. But I can't seem to get away for a moment to deal with my own problems. Most of which involve these people. And then, when I try to take a moment for myself, I'm accused of being selfish, greedy, ungrateful, et cetera.

I don't know what to do! My boyfriend keeps insisting that I back off from these people, and I'm trying. But whenever someone has a complaint, I can't help but listen and offer my advice. Even when its best if I keep my damned mouth shut.

[/rant]
Alright. I'm done. I honestly doubt anyone will reply to this, but it was worth a shot. I would just like some advice on how to handle my "nice" issue. 

Thanks for listening.



EDIT: That link is to a poem I wrote about masks and the like


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## devoid (Jan 3, 2011)

Let your friends know that you need some time to deal with your own life. If they can't accept this, then they aren't anyone you want to be friends with.


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## Sanityhatesme (Apr 12, 2011)

Its not that they won't accept it. Its that, well, not all of them are my close friends. Just people I've met recently. Hell, I don't know most of their middle names! I just... I don't want to push them away, not when there's a good chance of a great friendship.. But thats probably the attitude that got me into this mess in the first place...


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## devoid (Jan 3, 2011)

Getting space from people isn't pushing them away. I know that it probably seems really important to make sure that they understand you want to be friends, and that you don't want to risk them running off or thinking you're a mean person. You could even try telling them that, depending on the person. Most people really aren't so shallow that they'll give up on a person for needing some space on occasion. Just make sure you let them know you won't be available as much for a while, so they know for sure you aren't just ditching them.


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## yesiknowbut (Oct 25, 2009)

What are your needs in this? Why do you care? Friendship is a two way thing and you sound like you are surrounded by a lot of leeches.
You know the answer of course: if you have a friendship with someone who only wants to dump their angst on you and verbally attacks you if the door is closed today, then they are not a friend. No one's friendship is worth keeping who does not respect your boundaries.

But maybe you have a need to be needed. In that case you have to work on yourself, as the not-friends are only part of the problem.


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## Sanityhatesme (Apr 12, 2011)

whats the definition of a friend? whats the difference between a friend and a best friend? between a friend and an acquaintance?

I have a total of two best friends. My boyfriend and my Sister. She isn't really my sister but we get along so well, it feels like what she is. These are the two people that I know the best and that I know will be with me til the ends of the earth, no matter what.

Then I have friends. People who used to be my best friends, but we've grown apart. These are people I know will be there for me when I need them, but we don't hang out like we used to. 

Then I have the acquaintances. These are people who are a little like friends in that I talk to them at school, the occasional text, but not people i'd hang out with after school. Its these people who really dump their problems on me. And they're only around me, I think, because of what I can do for them by way of advice. I like talking to these people, chit-chatting in the halls, but I don't really want to know what problems they're having with their SO. I care about *them* enough to listen, but I guess I just don't want to care about their *problems*.


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## devoid (Jan 3, 2011)

The distinction between friend and best friend or acquaintance is something you have to decide. Everyone has their own definition for that. Personally I don't have any "friends" because I consider a friend someone who's loyal, trustworthy and fun to be with, which is a difficult thing to find. To some people a friend is just someone you talk to. Either way, you don't have to care about their problems. Most people don't give a damn about anyone else's problems, and that's just how the world works. The important thing is that we listen. I'd be content some days to talk people's ears off and never give a care to what's going on in their lives. It doesn't make me a bad person, only human. 

The way I balance this is by setting boundaries for both myself and my friends. Every interpersonal relationship needs some sort of boundaries, whether it's with a lover or some guy you walk by now and then in the hall. It's how we keep ourselves and each other safe. You have to know your limits (for instance, how much relationship talk you can handle and the level of detail you're comfortable with). Observe other people doing this to get a good idea of where and how to set boundaries for yourself. When I'm talking to someone and they bring up something I don't feel comfortable talking about (like their relationship with someone I know or dislike) I'll say, "Hey, lets talk about something else" or find a way to change the subject. You may notice people do similar things when you talk about things that make them uncomfortable. Most people are aware that everyone has their own personal boundaries and will be respectful if you voice them. I've actually lost a lot of friends because of the *lack* of boundaries, rather than having too many. People usually want to know what your limits are so they can comfortably avoid them.


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## Adamantya (Mar 4, 2011)

Continuing with the "friendship goes both ways" theme, I suggest opening up to these people about one of your personal problems (preferably any one but the one this thread is about) and seeing if they are willing to listen/give advice. If they aren't, or if they think that it's weird that you're opening up to them, they might (maybe) realize that other people may not be comfortable always being on the receiving end of all _their_ burden-unloading.


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## yesiknowbut (Oct 25, 2009)

Actually, there's a good chance that they would run a mile, so it's a good way of getting rid of them.


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## themartyparade (Nov 7, 2010)

If someone comes to dump their shit at you, simply tell them "I'm sorry but I have problems of my own right now and I can't take on yours as well".

If it's someone you know a bit better, tell them that it drains you and that you have to focus on yourself.

If they can't accept it, forget about them. If they can, make sure the topic stays on a rather "shallow" level.


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## lemonlemon (Mar 22, 2011)

The most accomplished people I know protect their time. It's important. 

I used to be a lot more like you are now... At the time, I felt honoured in a way, to be trusted with confessions and stories; I was genuinely interested; and, I guess, I wanted to be liked. (Also, I had a poor ability to structure my days.) Eventually - took me a while - I understood that these people are vampires. And as you prob agree, their stories are awfully similar, a lot of the time.

Nothing wrong with the odd white lie. Just say you have to be somewhere. Or, as was mentioned above, change the topic. Or don't give such good advice: just mutter a platitude and use body language to indicate you are leaving. Or, say something like 'I completely trust your ability to handle this on your own'.


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## William I am (May 20, 2011)

"Don't be good at something you don't like doing."

Or rather:
Stop offering them advice. Stop volunteering personal experiences that relate and stop acting like you care.
"I don't know what do do, this sucks so much now that my lizard died." "Ohh no! I'm sorry." :convo ends: if it doesn't. "Well now that he's dead, I want another one and I just feel like maybe I should wait a while." "Hmm yeah maybe, I don't know." 
If they're still going for it with "Well what do you think I should do? You always have good advice." "I... I don't know. I'm sorry, I just really don't know what to tell you."

Unless you're being inconceivably rude about taking a moment to yourself, just look at them like they're total assholes (They are) the next time they say you're being selfish. You might be tempted to retaliate, but even something like "I have my own problems to deal with, I can't solve all of yours too." would be better than "No! Don't hate me!"

You deserve good friends. Be picky. If you're not hanging around with people who only want free advice, you'll have a lot more time to find good friends


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## ThisAnonymous (Feb 24, 2011)

It's good that you're nice and whatnot, but it seems like you have a hard time telling people no. I was in the same boat a long time ago. Knowing that listening to people can help them out makes me happy and in a way, it was a distraction from my own problems. Just like what everyone else said here, sometimes you just got to stand up and say no.

Honestly, there's no shortage of potential friends. Some people need you to be there as their personal journal, not quite as a friend. The best way to help them is to motivate them and teach them to help themselves. There's a difference between being a friend and an emotional crutch. And the difference is that the emotional crutch helps them stay in one place. Friends help their friends forward.

If you tell them the truth, there is a chance that you will fight and stop talking. It happens. If they truly consider you as a friend, they will eventually see it after their storm of depression and you guys will be cool again. Else, you're better off without their negativity.


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## K86 (Feb 5, 2011)

I don't have your answer, but I totally empathise. I have the same problem!


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## Modifier (Aug 17, 2011)

learn to be a little selfish and dont hestitate to insult people if they are a pain in the ass


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## caffeine_buff (Feb 20, 2011)

@Sanityhatesme: i used to be in a similar position from high school to college. i used to be everybody's counsellor. even people i didn't like, because basically they used to find me comforting to talk to and i gave what was evidently considered sound advice. and yes, it used to leave me feeling emotionally depleted, lonely as hell and very unhappy. some of the charming people who came to me for help would also mock me for the very personality traits that they depended on to bail them out. 

this is what helped me, if it's of any use to you:
1. i realised many of these people were whiners. they were pretty emotionally manipulative and petty in that they knew they were using me when i was acting with good intention: they would try to bullshit both of us in the interaction that it was about "friendship" when it wasn't. none of these people ever came to me when they were _happy_. that's a dead giveaway.

2. i clarified to myself consciously each time i dealt with them that i was helping because it was my ethic and living by my ethic made me feel good. if i needed time to myself, or simply to be happy people at a point of time, there was nothing wrong with that at all. i made myself available _only if i felt like it_. that meant a more symbiotic relationship even if the new dynamic was brought about by my brute forcing. 

3. it's important to clarify to yourself the basic drive to help to Be Nice. many times, being nice is simply compulsive habit-driven behaviour. it isn't a consciously deliberated result. which means, it isn't meaningful, it just means we're playing by a script unthinkingly. that doesn't make for actual, honest moments of being a nicer or better person. it just makes for a more socially acceptable facade.

4. lifeguard principle: you first save yourself. you're no good to anyone if you're dysfunctional. every halfway-decent lifeguard or counsellor knows this. so if you're letting your emotional well-being get hit by what you do, yore doin it rong.


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