# My chronic, severe, debilitating, clinical depression



## Angina Jolie (Feb 13, 2014)

@WhateverLolaWants interesting about DBT and borderline personality disorder. What most easter, including budhism, philosophies and practices try to teach and echieve is awareness and in best case scenario, supposedly, the death of EGO. And borderline personality disorder has connection with that concept.


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## Razare (Apr 21, 2009)

AnonymouMaleSapien said:


> That's just off the top of my head...


You know, there might be other ways to alleviate depression like you mentioned, but I know of a good method to fix pretty much any problem including depression. So it is something you could add to your list as a potential option.

Joshua 1:8 - This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success.

"Book of the Law" can be replaced with "Bible"... I suppose a Jew could keep it as "Book of the Law", yet I of course think the whole revelation is more beneficial.

So at the beginning of April, God spoke that verse to my heart and since then I have been doing it every day. I have stopped watching wordily television and have quit video games. I get home and study the word and listen to sermons focused on the word.

As a result, I have been able to stop taking my two medications, one for anxiety, the other because I have been unable to stop taking it (dependence).

Anyway, the word produces results in us, by just focusing on it. It produces change without the effort normally associated with change. This seems too good to be true, yet I would not say it is easy. You have to make decisions at various points in the changing process... "am I going to watch that movie, or study God's word?" "am I going to believe what God's word says, or believe what this thought in my head is telling me?" "Am I going to choose to think negative thoughts, or think God's word instead?"

So you mentioned fear, God's word can resolve that. It can resolve worry. It can resolve anxiety. It can fix depression too.

This narcissism you mentioned. I just realized after a month of doing this how wrapped up in myself I was.

Being wrapped up in yourself, produces a LOT of fear and anxiety, because you are always worried about how others will perceive you, if you will be good enough, if they will accept you.

God's word can fix the narcissism and self-focus which leads to negative qualities... because instead of focusing on yourself, you focus on the good things of God, which change not. It's not as though I am now perfect after having realized this, but God's word produces some good changes instantly, and some good changes take time.

The key with having God's word change us to have a more positive thinking and emotional state, is to not depart from it, but make it a way of life.

I have so much more peace after just 2 months, that I am going to do this the rest of my life. If the benefits after 2 months are this tremendous, then the benefit of doing it for a year must be miraculous... and the rest of my life? Unimaginable.

-----------------------

I used to be into Eastern teaching before I was a Christian. I will contrast what I am telling you with Eastern teachings such as Buddhism.

Most Eastern teaching is not grace-based. This means YOU have to produce change in yourself, through your own effort and will power.

In Christianity, it works different, God does the work, we just allow him to work.

Phil 1:6 - _being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus._

Where Christians are not walking in victory, it is usually because they have taken their salvation, and then departed from God's word, not allowing God to continue to work in their lives.

Anyway, I would just challenge you to try it for a month. All that is required is reading. If you don't feel like reading, listen to some good Bible teachers, those that understand grace. (Joseph Prince, Andrew Wommack, Creflo Dollar, and others)


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## puzzledheart (May 12, 2015)

I think you should listen to Razare. Perhaps you want to try this as well:
http://personalitycafe.com/spiritua...me-where-we-go-post17639034.html#post17639034
You could for example pray that the source of your depression is finally revealed. 

Of course there still might be a physical explanation, for example iodine deficiency
10 Nutritional Deficiencies That May Cause Depression
(iodine levels are basically NEVER checked by doctors because the test is quite expensive). It is therefore very well possible that the doctors missed something as they usually DO NOT check the more "exotic" factors. Usually they just do the same tests over and over and over again (= profit, profit, profit). 
I DO NOT think that they ever checked your iodine levels. Check out "the iodine project" Home - The Iodine Project

Or, for example, your sleeping place could simply be over a water vein. Or radiated by technically created radiations. Or both. 

In german speaking countries (Austria / Germany / parts of Switzerland) there is a whole profession called "Geopathologie" that deals with harmful radiation fields created by water veins etc.. It seems that there does not even exist an english translation for this profession. The persons trained in "Geopathologie" are called "Geopathologen". If you have a dog or a cat, watch where the dog or the cat sleep (or want to sleep). Dogs flee from radiation (safe sleeping place) and cats search radiation (bad sleeping place). 

Or, another example, it is very likely that you took only vitamine d3 "hunger dosages" so far. It is better to take dosages that have an effect, for example 50.000 I.U. per capsule / per day. Combine with a small amount of K2 for maximum resorption. If you only took "hunger dosages" or only Vitamine D3 without K2 it might very well be that you have a simple Vitamine D deficiency. BUT CHECK FOR HEAVY METAL POISONING FIRST (for example from dental amalgame!), BEFORE you take Vitamine D or B etc.. It is advisable to divert the heavy metals FIRST!

The pharma companies DO NOT WANT that people take sufficient dosages of anything, so this also applies to, for example, Vitamine B. Check out Linus Pauling. 

What about L-Tryptophan (german term)? If you never tried L-Tryptophan, its about time. 

What about "Kryptopyrrolurie" (german term), ever checked?
Urinary MMA/creatinine ratio test (B12 deficiency, the diagnosis of B12 deficiency is NOT as easy as one might think)?

Heavy metal poisoning? Ever checked?

Omega 3 deficiency? Ever tried a good cod liver oil like green pastures?

Lyme disease?

magnesium? 

iron?

Already visited a good endocrinologist?

Your atlas might be dislocated - I am "quite sure" this was NEVER checked. Check this out carefully:
AtlasPROfilax - AtlasPROfilax
Did you ever have an accident that could have dislocated your atlas? For example a "normal" car accident with blunt trauma of the cervical spine? Please do not automatically think doctors are going to find a problem like this 100% - its the other way round. THEY DONT, 100%. That is one of the reasons why chiropractors still exist - I do not recommend them. Osteopaths are better. Its better to fix the atlas once and for all, and not walk to chiropractors for eternity, this just makes the atlas more unstable if it gets "half-fixed" again and again and again (= profit, profit, profit). As far as I know only the "atlas-guys" know how to fix the atlas, not even osteopaths. 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Porphyria ?

Tried S-Adenyl-Methionin?

NADH?

Morbus Wilson?

Ever tested your saliva for cadaveric poison? You might have a tooth fang (or several) that rots inside your skull, which continuously poisons you with cadaveric poison. The results can be "bad". Dont expect doctors or dentists to ever check something like this. They DONT. 

You might have amalgam AND gold inside your mouth AT THE SAME TIME. In other words, a nice little battery (connected by saliva) which creates a neverending stream of metal into your body. The results are BAD. Most Dentists dont even know this, which is ridiculous. But true.

Your water could be full of lead or other substances. Ever checked your water? (I heard fracking can turn water into a chemistry kit...)
Mold in your apartment ("air test")? Certain molds are extremely toxic and if you inhale the spores, this will have "interesting effects" ;-) Mold is often BEHIND wooden ornaments and sh*t. The easiest way to determine is to check the air. 
Timber preservatives? 
Poisonous carpet glues? 
There is A LOT of poisonous sh*t. And please, dont expect doctors EVER check factors like this, you can inhale or ingest this "funny stuff" for decades and they will NEVER find out. Why should they? a= they are too incompetent anyway b) they dont play sherlock holmes (takes too much time and time is money, isnt 10 minutes per patient enough?? <-- lol) c) they can make more money with antidepressants (...). 
Check out environmental medicine. 

What about your cookware? 

Aluminium-poisoning?

Did you ever try earthing? 

If you are female, the pill might be involved in depressions. 

Ever tried green smoothies? chlorella algae?

Too much internet porn is very often involved in depression, see your brain on porn Your Brain On Porn | Evolution has not prepared your brain for today's Internet porn

Uh oh I think I better not read this posting again but press "post quick reply"! BAM! ;-)

P.S.: Of course I forgot...these funny DECT "house telephones" emit radiation day and night at maximum power, whether you use the phone or not. If you have one of these funny things next to your bed or in close vicinity, this might be bad. "Ghostbuster-bad" for some people.

The same happens if the radiation emitted by these funny microwave towers (cellphone towers) converges exactly where your sleeping place is. Waves can cancel each other out or amplify each other. It is bad if they amplify themselves where your bed is. Or where you usually spend your time. 

P.P.S.: What about electromagnetic hypersensitivity? Allergies?

P.P.P.S.: REad at http://curezone.com forums...


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## Athesis (Sep 2, 2012)

Atla said:


> Instead of that, please gather enough energy to read the first 50 pages of the book I recommended. It was designed for people exactly in your situation, you'll understand when you get into it. And this stuff is real, it's not magical thinking.
> Also, you can do this by yourself, no need to seek help from others.
> 
> You can read some Amazon reviews about the book first if you like, you will find that this is the method that helped many people where nothing else worked. It's the #1 recommended book for a reason, and it's frequently recommended by therapists (and even some therapists use it to treat their own depression).
> ...


Thanx
I read some of it. Just too mentally fatigued to read much.


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## Athesis (Sep 2, 2012)

AmalyaIvy said:


> I'm very sorry to hear that you feel this way. Please don't hurt yourself. Life is worth living, you are not alone in feeling this way. There are so many people out there. In fact, I've just returned home from school after speaking to a severely depressed 15 year old student.
> 
> You must speak to a mental health care professional, or just someone who can help. Don't be afraid to talk, thousands of people feel the same way you do every day, and they don't give up. Dying is not an answer, living is. Are you being treated by a physician for these issues? Are you on any sort of SSRI? You could benefit from cognitive behavioral therapy. However, no matter how much I tell you, you have to WANT TO change and get better.
> 
> If you do not want advice, think about this: Depression is an illness in brain, it is not the normal healthy state, so how can you made an ultimate decision like dying when your reasoning is not normal. I hope you'll read this. If you have no one to speak, communicate with me, through this thread.


Thanks.. I still can use reason and logic when I'm depressed. I could argue with you and make valid points but I don't want to be a dick right now because you seem nice. I'm on an ssri, Wellbutrin, naltrexone, sometimes vistaril for sleep. I've tried effexor, pristiq, celexa, lexapro, lamictal, abilify.. Lexapro and Wellbutrin seems to work best for me, but I'm still pretty depressed a lot of the time. I've seen psychiatrists, therapists, been in inpatient at a psych hospital, gone to outpatient group therapy many times. I'm not a courageous person and the so called "cowards way out" actually takes a lot of courage, and it's rare for me to seriously contemplate it anyway. Thanks for the message.


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## Athesis (Sep 2, 2012)

hppygrl said:


> Even if the person you reach out to talk to about your story doesn't totally understand, or you don't find the perfect therapist, talking to anyone either with an online counsellor or in person or by phone may help you notice which thoughts you have that you want to work on.
> 
> I've reached out to books, videos and people at different low points and it does help a little bit and can shift your mood a little bit. I think there are SSRIs that can help people and they don't have to be used forever, they can just help while you work with your thoughts.


Yeah, i have some people to talk to. Usually not when I'm awake later than midnight though.. I'm on lexapro, probably will be on meds the rest of my life, don't care though.


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## Athesis (Sep 2, 2012)

puzzledheart said:


> I think you should listen to Razare. Perhaps you want to try this as well:
> http://personalitycafe.com/spiritua...me-where-we-go-post17639034.html#post17639034
> You could for example pray that the source of your depression is finally revealed.
> 
> ...


The irony is that my depression deprives me of the needed energy and motivation to look into those things... That would be a lot of work and I can barely summon the will power to make myself eat a meal, most of the time. Thanks for the info though.


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## petite libellule (Jul 4, 2012)

AnonymouMaleSapien said:


> The irony is that my depression deprives me of the needed energy and motivation to look into those things... That would be a lot of work and I can barely summon the will power to make myself eat a meal, most of the time. Thanks for the info though.


weren't you the guy who said all women have small IQ's or something?

because, well, isn't it obvious then that you like being depressed?? If you didn't like it, you'd probably fight it by, idk ... Looking into those links. Or maybe, idk ... NOT doing things that make you sad or feed into it.

just a thought.


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## Atla (Mar 26, 2015)

AnonymouMaleSapien said:


> Thanx
> I read some of it. Just too mentally fatigued to read much.


Yeah that's completely normal, and obviously a book that teaches this kind of CBT isn't a quick read. Take your time, I remember how slowly I progressed with it too first.


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## Athesis (Sep 2, 2012)

ningsta kitty said:


> weren't you the guy who said all women have small IQ's or something?
> 
> because, well, isn't it obvious then that you like being depressed?? If you didn't like it, you'd probably fight it by, idk ... Looking into those links. Or maybe, idk ... NOT doing things that make you sad or feed into it.
> 
> just a thought.


I did not say that. I've looked into every link someone's sent me.

I don't like the things you've said to me.

Please don't talk to me anymore. I could explain why I don't want to talk to you but I'd rather not.


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## petite libellule (Jul 4, 2012)

AnonymouMaleSapien said:


> I did not say that. I've looked into every link someone's sent me.
> 
> I don't like the things you've said to me.
> 
> Please don't talk to me anymore. I could explain why I don't want to talk to you but I'd rather not.


LOLOL!! Okay .. Take it easy there. Don't cry. 

(And you did say that. It's in another thread.)


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## Fredward (Sep 21, 2013)

AnonymouMaleSapien said:


> I did not say that. I've looked into every link someone's sent me.
> 
> I don't like the things you've said to me.
> 
> Please don't talk to me anymore. I could explain why I don't want to talk to you but I'd rather not.


Forum has an ignore function under settings. I know a few guys who have me on it, seems to help with their blood pressure.


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## Athesis (Sep 2, 2012)

ningsta kitty said:


> LOLOL!! Okay .. Take it easy there. Don't cry.
> 
> (And you did say that. It's in another thread.)


You're being disrespectful, manipulative, dishonest, and sadistic. I don't like you. I hate you. This is not an exaggeration.


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## Athesis (Sep 2, 2012)

Fredward said:


> Forum has an ignore function under settings. I know a few guys who have me on it, seems to help with their blood pressure.


But then other people might read something someone says about me without me knowing about it...


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## Fredward (Sep 21, 2013)

AnonymouMaleSapien said:


> But then other people might read something someone says about me without me knowing about it...


So?


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## Athesis (Sep 2, 2012)

Fredward said:


> Forum has an ignore function under settings. I know a few guys who have me on it, seems to help with their blood pressure.


Also you seem fine, they most be waaayyy over sensitive lol..


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## Athesis (Sep 2, 2012)

Fredward said:


> So?


I have a compulsive need to knowwww!


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## Felidire (Jan 12, 2013)

AnonymouMaleSapien said:


> I lack the self-discipline


That part, right there.



> I feel like a slave to my own biology and physiology.


Try to learn more about your body so you can isolate the cause(s), it's not your enemy.


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## Fredward (Sep 21, 2013)

AnonymouMaleSapien said:


> Also you seem fine, they most be waaayyy over sensitive lol..


IKR? I'm delightful.



AnonymouMaleSapien said:


> I have a compulsive need to knowwww!


I'mma discuss you with my sister here in my house. Right now. And you'll never know what I'm gonna say.


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## Athesis (Sep 2, 2012)

Fredward said:


> IKR? I'm delightful.
> 
> 
> 
> I'mma discuss you with my sister here in my house. Right now. And you'll never know what I'm gonna say.


D':> :crying: can you at least let me know what her response is?.. Without being vague and ambiguous??


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## Van Meter (Sep 28, 2012)

This is politically incorrect, but the culture as of now is of no single persuasion. People are social creatures. Historical pillars of society are decreasing, while terrible replacements fill the void. There is no longer a sense of belonging. Nationalism and Christianity are decreasing. Its becoming increasingly irrelevant to belong to one people, as borders are broken, and religion gives way to secular religion. Depression will only increase, as culture decreases, and therefore, as an unintended consequence, individualism decreases. (Something which secularism is supposed to hail, but absolutely doesn't). Your personal cure to depression will be in realizing the fact that you will NEVER belong, and all you can do is accept that, and depend on no one.


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## Fredward (Sep 21, 2013)

AnonymouMaleSapien said:


> D':> :crying: can you at least let me know what her response is?.. Without being vague and ambiguous??


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## AmalyaIvy (Mar 12, 2015)

AnonymouMaleSapien said:


> Thanks.. I still can use reason and logic when I'm depressed. I could argue with you and make valid points but I don't want to be a dick right now because you seem nice. I'm on an ssri, Wellbutrin, naltrexone, sometimes vistaril for sleep. I've tried effexor, pristiq, celexa, lexapro, lamictal, abilify.. Lexapro and Wellbutrin seems to work best for me, but I'm still pretty depressed a lot of the time. I've seen psychiatrists, therapists, been in inpatient at a psych hospital, gone to outpatient group therapy many times. I'm not a courageous person and the so called "cowards way out" actually takes a lot of courage, and it's rare for me to seriously contemplate it anyway. Thanks for the message.


Hello! I'm glad you are better. Sorry, if I sounded judgemental or something, it's just that I take ones suicidal thoughts/revealings very seriously, specially the ones who tries so hard to survive , as you've said, your depression moods have been there for years. 

If I may ask, what's your personality type? If you like to share it, I can try to help you out. I mean, for an example, are you an INFJ, ISFP, or an INTP?

If you ever decide to try a different type of medicine consider Sertraline, I mean, speak with your doctor. As you say Escitalopram works well for you, Sertraline belongs to the same drug class, it's really effective for many patients, safe, has less side effects and withdrawal is easier. Just a thought. 

I'll share few ideas about this. In your original post you've said that you're somewhat narcissistic. Did someone tell you that? Are you aware of it? According to my experience, a true narcissist never admit to it. There is something called "healthy narcissism" which is important for our survival. However, did you grow up with a narcissistic parent? 

You have tried a lot of things, has enough knowledge of what's going on so, why it's not going away? Perhaps the problem lies at some other place that you've not figured out yet. 

One thing I can tell you for sure is (because I've had tried this myself when I was going through a darker period) a method to try to overcome suicidal thoughts. When you get severely depressed, take a hot shower, just stand under the shower until you feel the heat, but don't burn yourself. Another one is placing your hands in a bowl of freezing water, keep them till they become numb. These will not harm you but they are effective emotional distractors. Also try not eating chocolate, cut off your coffee or other type of stimuli anything that works against serotonin balancing. 




AnonymouMaleSapien said:


> "I'm not a courageous person and the so called "cowards way out" actually takes a lot of courage"


I'm going to disagree with this completely and I don't mind entering into an argument  Dying is not an answer for those who are depressed, living is because when you are depressed you are dead, you just don't know what to do with your body. So the only answer is living, that's why it's hard. Depression is like a cancer that kills you softly, always choose to live as you have so far. The reason why you feel "takes a lot of courage" is because you suffer from anxiety as much as your depression makes you to "go through it" your anxiety has been keeping you alive all this time (fear of dying vs thoughts of dying). your brain is smart 

"cowards way out" is an overdone expression that should not be applied to people who actually struggle from depression. But it's out there, so what to do. But I didn't imply anything like that.


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## Athesis (Sep 2, 2012)

_ello! I'm glad you are better. Sorry, if I sounded judgemental or something, it's just that I take ones suicidal thoughts/revealings very seriously, specially the ones who tries so hard to survive , as you've said, your depression moods have been there for years_

Ytankyou. You sounded caring and considerate. 

_If I may ask, what's your personality type? If you like to share it, I can try to help you out. I mean, for an example, are you an INFJ, ISFP, or an INTP_?

INFJ, though I relate really well to ENFJs and INTJs.

_I'll share few ideas about this. In your original post you've said that you're somewhat narcissistic. Did someone tell you that? Are you aware of it? According to my experience, a true narcissist never admit to it. There is something called "healthy narcissism" which is important for our survival. However, did you grow up with a narcissistic parent?_ 

One time a therapist told me that, though I don't trust his credibility. My parents seem pretty narcissistic.. I think the main problem is I usually lack interest in other people and getting to know them. I'd rather talk about myself. I mostly think about myself too. Often I find conversations really boring and have trouble focusing on what someone is saying. My dad's the same way. He doesn't have any friends, married though.

_You have tried a lot of things, has enough knowledge of what's going on so, why it's not going away? Perhaps the problem lies at some other place that you've not figured out yet. _

I just don't have the energy to apply the things I know. I'm a firm believer in the inexistence of free will.

_Also try not eating chocolate, cut off your coffee or other type of stimuli anything that works against serotonin balancing_. 

I lack the self-restrain to resist coffee and nicotine.

I'm guessing you're an optimist?
@AmalyaIvy


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## AmalyaIvy (Mar 12, 2015)

@AnonymouMaleSapien

If you are an INFJ, there is a possibility that you might not be suffering from clinical depression at all. Here's what I think. (mind you, I come to all these conclusions based on how you communicate with others in this thread and with the information you've given me)

Narcissism is very complicated, I don't know you to say whether you are, you seemed somewhat convinced? Remember a person who suffers from depression might come out as selfish and self-centred but that doesn't really make a person a malignant narcissist. That's something for you to thing about. 

Now if you want to be sure if your parents behaviour, to see if they/or one of them have NPD, check this website : Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents Resources - Band Back Together If you were a victim of a such bringing up, the reason of the unending depression might be there. INFJ as kids need more caring and understanding. Can't you remember how sensitive you were as a child? 

We deal with conflicts by "not dealing with them"  We internalize our conflicts and ends up suffering from psychosomatic symptoms which can't be fixed by popping pills, one must deal with the inner conflicts. It might not be easy but you must try. Narcissistic or not, if you grew up in an unhealthy home or something similar, it might effect the adult years as well, even when you are away from the stresser. We are our memories after all, so what kind of memories do you have? 

Another thing is INFJs go through periods of depressions and I think it's "normal". There was a period in my life (very early 20's) where I questioned about everything, god, human existence, living, why people are cruel etc etc. I've noticed in some threads that other INFJs have had similar experiences. It's like a stage which takes us to another level of knowledge... I don't know how to explain it, but it's there. If you are in such a place and suffer from depression as well, it might come out pretty bad. Getting stuck in an Ni-Ti loop is also pretty ugly, what if this happens to someone who is depressed.

One single advice. You have to change your view about life and living which may be pretty difficult, just take one step at a time. You don't have to do many things to get better just, do one thing: avoid negative sentences. There are a lot of "I don't believe" "I lack" "I'm not good enough" " etc etc views. These may be A result of being depressed but keeping such views will make you to be depressed forever. There's a famous Chinese proverb that goes like this : 

"“Be careful of your thoughts, for your thoughts become your words. Be careful of your words, for your words become your actions. Be careful of your actions, for your actions become your habits. Be careful of your habits, for your habits become your character. Be careful of your character, for your character becomes your destiny.” 

Start doing little things like drink tea instead of coffee. 

And I'm not really a big optimist, I just try to look at the good side. Life of an INFJ is easier if one is connected to spirituality. Meditation can be a good start.


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## Sweetish (Dec 17, 2009)

AnonymouMaleSapien said:


> I suppose a big part of why I feel that way is because I've been gaining as much knowledge as I can and I have tried over and over again but no matter how many times I try and no matter how hard I try I keep falling down. I'm not going to stop trying but I'm also not going to believe in any kind of presumption that one day things will get better and stay that way. I don't really like positivity or negativity, though I do feel pessimistic at times..


I'm living testament to the fact that things did get better, but only because I was willing to risk failing, again and again, along the way toward improving my health and my life. Failure is a part of the learning process. It's exhausting to do battle toward finding solutions when depression is constantly on your back, I know. I certainly know.

How do you feel when you take anti-inflammatory medicines (like aspirin, ibuprofen, which are NSAIDs) or anti-inflammatory foods (like turmeric or curcumin which is in curry, like salmon or high dose omega-3 fish oil in the form of EPA, like rosemary, like ginger, etc.)? Do you see any improvement?

How do you feel when you take high dose vitamin D3 with vitamin K2 and get direct sunlight on your skin for 12 to 15 minutes?

How do you feel when you exercise, even as simple as sluggish jumping jacks or a slow walk, or slowly punching your fists out into the air, or walking up stairs, then down, then back up several times?

Same question for when /if you've tried taking a capsule of 100 mg 5-HTP (it's what your body turns L-tryptophan into, safer to try than L-tryptophan because if your body is cranking out inflammatory immune response then it will just divert L-tryptophan into that instead of into 5-HTP, and 5-HTP is what actually boosts mood by its being turned into N-acetylserotonin).

Same question for when /if you may have tried at least 1 gram of L-glutamine (initially).

Same question for thyroid function- has a doctor assessed your endocrine health?

Also, if you have experienced loss of appetite, you could try zinc. Blood tests aren't the best at detecting a zinc deficiency. I've had to compel myself to eat protein to take zinc with (it's not good to take it on an empty stomach) but it's been worth it because I have gene variants that cause my body to need more of it and to use it up rather quickly.


Eating healthy is going to be different for each individual, because of genetic quirks. There may very well be something that your body needs, specifically, that would be discovered after doing a panel of genetic testing. I don't mean to overwhelm you, but the testing is fairly simple and straightforward, and a competent doctor with the appropriate experience with patients just like you who also have treatment resistant depression can interpret the results and translate them into the right therapy for you, specifically. What will be effective for you can be pinpointed.

For example, L-Methylfolate: A Promising Therapy for Treatment-Resistant Depression? | Psych Congress Network

I'm 34 years old, and I've been dealing with undiagnosed mood disorder mostly on my own for nearly my entire life. I was never content with the options that people were giving me. I wanted to get to the heart of the matter. There were times I also wanted to give up. It got to the point that fighting was all I had left in me. Even when I felt defeated, I coaxed myself to get back up. To keep searching and keep trying whatever I could. There are times, I'm sure you know, when lack of motivation is actually a blessing because you don't follow through on a suicide attempt, you put it off, and sure it hurts, the pain could continue or it could abate and you have unexpected relief. Just hold onto those times when you felt even the least bit better. Find some way to tell yourself what it feels like, some way to capture it, so that you don't forget.

Getting better is possible. You will find a way. *Don't stop looking, and you will find the way through.* Fight the good fight, even when you feel weak, give yourself permission to take a break from negative, self-defeating thoughts; feeling weak isn't a flaw, it's just part of the process. Fight when you can, and rest when you can't fight. Please, continue to not hesitate to ask for help?


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