# The Danger of Quasi -ID and Comparative Relations



## Tainted Streetlight (Jun 13, 2011)

Dangers of Quasi-Identical and Comparative Relations

Some of my best friends throughout the years have been my Comparative and my Quasi-ID partners. As I grow older, however, I'm starting to realize why these relationships can be difficult, and somewhat counter-productive to personal development. 
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Comparative

So first the Comparative. I seem to be surrounded by comparatives. For whatever reason, they are everywhere. ENFps can be loads of fun to hang out with and do things, but there always seems to be some sort of disconnect. I think our two types connect over our Ne and frequently end up doing something very novel. For example, a friend of mine and myself got into Parkour because it was new and exciting. We loved to climb buildings in be in places we shouldn't be. However... when it came down to it, we clashed over the Fi - Ti gap.

He had different values: e.g. he became more and more religious. He had different pursuits: he became focused on structuring and organizing. His worries were simply not my worries. So this all and fine, such a small difference seems to amplify over proximity. The more that I hung out with him (or any of my other 4+ ENFp friends), the more it seemed I was asserting a Ti way upon the world, and they were asserting Fi. Inevitably, in almost every situation, we clashed. We clashed about movies, we clashed about activities, we clashed about drugs, or even who to hang out with. And seemed a lot of these were rather explosive. Sometimes even coming to blows (verbal or physical). We would love hanging out with each other when it came to Ne or Si, but we seem to clash on most other issues. If I had to sum up the relationship on whole, it was competitive. When one person was the most successful and happy, the other was not.
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Quasi-Identical

The problem with Quasi-ID (ENTj) is similar, but very different. In my mind, the problem here is more in the quadras. My Quasi-ID and myself had some great times hanging out. We both knew we were very different people, but instead of that becoming the source of conflict as in my Comparative relations, we sort of stood aside and examined each others differences. We would have long philosophical discussions in which we would talk for hours about the same subject. We would talk and talk, and just realize that the partner simply didn't think like the other in such a dramatic way. Most of the time though, we just laughed it off and respected each other's differences.

I've heard this explained in terms of PoLR (point of least resistance). Neither partner is strong in what the other partner is weakest in, so neither partner really has a way to gain the psychological upper hand. In comparatives, however, both partners are mutually strong in what the other is weak in. So the relationship feels like a constant undercutting of each others weak spots (when the focus isn't on shared elements).

Getting back to the ENTj, my dad always used to remind me against associating with this friend. I never really seemed to understand it. All seemed pretty fine when we hung out one on one, and there seemed to be little danger. But then I realized that it was through association that this relationship was the most dangerous. Most times my friend would introduce me to one of his better friends, there would be little connect. I found myself frequently feeling awkward. This was due to the fact that when he introduced me to his friends, they frequently were Gamma, which have completely subdued Alpha Elements. Likewise, I would not like his dual (in fact, sometimes detest), and he would not like mine. So it was pretty hard to share friends in any meaningful way. Same with knowledge or entertainment.

Overall Quasi-ID partners seem to be far too different to meaningfully share their lives. 
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TLDR

-- Comparative relations seem to be harmful (over long periods of time) in that they disagree over their second function, which ends up being the PoLR of the other partner.
-- Quasi-ID partners have far too little in common to move towards some beneficial mutual future.
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Also, as a caveat, this is rather fundamentally my personal view, might not hold true always in that big world out there.

Hope this helps someone!


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## cyamitide (Jul 8, 2010)

Great post @_Tainted Streetlight_. I have been giving this some thought as of late and arrived at a similar conclusion, that after conflict and superego, kindred and quasi-identical are two of the worst kinds of relations. Even supervision is better than these relations because you can at least learn from things from your supervisor.

Back when I was in school I had a couple of friends who were my kindred and quasi-identical relation. My family has moved so I had to transfer to a new school and make new friends. I befriended them because both of them were transfer students just like me, and initially we bonded over this fact. After a year of interacting with them I felt like our friendship has gone sour. Being my kindred and quasi-identical, they were in benefit relations with each other. I felt like they had a tighter bond, and that they would both gang up on me and undervalued my friendship with them. They would tell me such horrible things like I would never amount to anything in life. As a result of this we became distant. In retrospect these relations felt promising at first, but turned out to be very difficult and unpleasant in the long run.

With my kindred relations I feel like their advice could be of use, but the implementation stage is where it falters. We have different motivations and reasons for doing what we do. When they don't see me act on their advice they begin to think that I'm stupid for not listening to them and I begin to think that they are overbearing and inconsiderate.


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## Tainted Streetlight (Jun 13, 2011)

cyamitide said:


> Great post @_Tainted Streetlight_. I have been giving this some thought as of late and arrived at a similar conclusion, that after conflict and superego, kindred and quasi-identical are two of the worst kinds of relations. Even supervision is better than these relations because you can at least learn from things from your supervisor.
> 
> Back when I was in school I had a couple of friends who were my kindred and quasi-identical relation. My family has moved so I had to transfer to a new school and make new friends. I befriended them because both of them were transfer students just like me, and initially we bonded over this fact. After a year of interacting with them I felt like our friendship has gone sour. Being my kindred and quasi-identical, they were in benefit relations with each other. I felt like they had a tighter bond, and that they would both gang up on me and undervalued my friendship with them. They would tell me such horrible things like I would never amount to anything in life. As a result of this we became distant. In retrospect these relations felt promising at first, but turned out to be very difficult and unpleasant in the long run.
> 
> With my kindred relations I feel like their advice could be of use, but the implementation stage is where it falters. We have different motivations and reasons for doing what we do. When they don't see me act on their advice they begin to think that I'm stupid for not listening to them and I begin to think that they are overbearing and inconsiderate.


I haven't really found Super-Ego relations to be that bad so far. They definitely don't really seem to go anywhere, but they don't seem to be particularly bad friendships. Why do you not like them?

Also, interestingly enough, I too had a friend group that consisted of a kindred and quasi identical relations. Though, instead of ganging up on me, we psychologically ganged up on the benefitee haha (I'm actually not proud of this).


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## Figure (Jun 22, 2011)

Here are my experiences with Kindred, Quasi-ID, and Superego:


Kindred: very easy to set up initially, as you can easily coincide on matters of your base function - especially when it serves as a means to validate or expand your own thoughts via the base. This is the pleasant part of the relationship, at least while it lasts. I find their approach intriguing, but it ultimately lacks focus on what is "important" and can come off as a misguided waste of time - especially if it is getting in the way of my Creative function. Kindred teeters between Supervision on both ends, but never really gets there since the PoLR is used as their Creative, not Base. You feel inadequate in their Creative, but it isn't their primary focus so it comes off more as competition than pressure on you. 

Quasi-ID: also very easy to set up initially, as you are part of the same Club and therefore are likely to enjoy the same sphere of activity. You aren't likely to find your quasi-id particularly meaningful or alluring, just interesting because they superficially resemble yourself. Lots of correction, and although you see the other person's perspective, you usually see how it is moving away from what should be focused on, and try to re-assert yourself. Your Quasi-ID disagrees though, and does the same to you, leading to irritating quarrels in opposite directions that neither person sees as productive. 

Superego: I believe there are two types of Superego - one in which there is significant conflict, and one in which there is more warmth despite neither partner understanding the other at all. In the former, more common, both partners assert their egos onto each other expecting a Dual-like response, but never get one, and end up taking care of their own needs solo. If this distance is maintained things can be okay, but irritation and arguments can arise when one presses the other to act. One is irritated at not being compensated for, the other is irritated for being pressed in a weak spot "unfairly."

In the better scenario, both partners have come to accept that the other has extremely different preferences, adapt themselves to it, be willing to translate your thoughts multiple times in multiple ways, meet on very broad topics, and let the other person take care of the areas in which you are weak. I have this kind of relationship with my mom. We make enormous efforts to understand each other, fail to do so, and go off understanding each other in our own way, simply being satisfied with that on its own. 



I would not continue a serious relationship with any of these three relationships. My parents are Kindred SEI and SLI, and are little more than roommates covering up decades of dissatisfaction from competing interests. Quasi-ID would lead to too much bickering, and you never truly understand your partner's valued POV. Superego would require surrendering a significant part of your Ego.


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## RoSoDude (Apr 3, 2012)

I've been friends with my quasi-identical for almost 9 years, and we've been rooming for about 18 months. The odd thing is, though we're really great friends, I would never call us extremely close. We're able to see eye-to-eye on certain issues and have similar interests, but we're never able to connect on a very deep level.

I've described our relationship before as "asymptotic":








From far away, we appear very similar. When we're both interacting at a distance, in some sense, we're inclined to agree. On superficial points, our opinions are often in accord. But if we try to get to the fundamental reason why we each have that opinion, or if we try to more directly understand the other's struggles, we end up finding our differences mounting extremely quickly. Discussion between us is worthwhile, but we don't get personal, and we don't make our friendship into anything more than it is. And oddly enough, it's one of those cases where there _isn'f_ any real meaningful connection beyond the superficial one. We don't have some deep bond that no one else can see. It's just that the bond on the surface is rather good.


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## Tainted Streetlight (Jun 13, 2011)

Figure said:


> Here are my experiences with Kindred, Quasi-ID, and Superego:


Interesting thoughts. I agree with this. And I now know what you said about Super Egos. I've had one of the beneficial relationships with my Super Ego, but I've had the other as well, in more casual circumstances.


Also, for anyone interested in reading one of Figure's writings on a similar subject: 
Three Most Difficult Intertype Relations
(It makes for a pretty good read)


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## Seamaid (Aug 31, 2009)

Tainted Streetlight said:


> Dangers of Quasi-Identical and Comparative Relations
> 
> Some of my best friends throughout the years have been my Comparative and my Quasi-ID partners. As I grow older, however, I'm starting to realize why these relationships can be difficult, and somewhat counter-productive to personal development.
> -------------------------------------------------
> ...



AMAZING post on Comparative relations. I discovered the hard way how true it is. My ISFP friend and I are taking a break from our 20 year friendship because things have become too uneven and competitive between us.  Explains what is happening SO well... I tried to get non-MBTI/Socionics advice on what was going on in our friendship, and very few understood the complexity of it -- most people ended up criticizing me for not being a good supportive friend. I only wish I could be! If her (successful) Se didn't bother me so much at this time in my life. *sigh*


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