# "Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior "



## susurration (Oct 22, 2009)

snail said:


> I'd say the goal is to encourage a child to reach his or her greatest potential without ever resorting to attacking the child, physically or verbally. It's not a matter of what percentage of which parenting style we should incorporate.
> 
> Abuse is the active form of destructive parenting.
> Neglect is the passive form of destructive parenting.
> ...


'Parenting style' is merely the organisation of specific manifestations of parenting based on the dimensions of; disciplinary strategies, warmth and nurturance, communication styles and expectations of maturity and control, into categories. It is finding categories for trends and putting them on an axis, then sorting them into types with neutral labels, rather than the categories being distinctly inherent. 

Abuse and neglect would come under "warmth and nurturance" and "discipline" for example. At the extreme ends. 

When I talked about the 'two extremes' before, I was referring to authoritarian in it's extreme end (dictatorship) vs permissive/uninvolved (which in the extremes is neglectful).


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## susurration (Oct 22, 2009)

NotaPrettyGirl said:


> I cannot resist; I live and teach in Beijing. There is a well-known syndrome called "Little Emperor". Children in China have some strange powers over their mothers. Whatever the child wants to do, he or she is allowed. There is no discipline; it's common to hear "buxie" from a child when his/her mother wants to leave and to see children hitting their parents. What people don't understand is there are over 25 billion people in China. The government controls EVERYTHING- Facebook and You Tube is banned, religions are banned (one so harshly you will be deported or jailed), and leaving the country is a priviledge. If you choose to leave China, you must have a minimum of 25,000 RMB in your account and surrender your bank card. This allows the Chinese natives to leave for no more than 10 days; no matter how far the travel. China's banking system is meek, at best. If you lose your card, whether you are a native or foreigner, your bank account is frozen for 15 days and you have no access to your funds; it does not matter if you bring in your ID and paperwork provided when the account is opened. If you want to leave China for an extended amount of time (more than 1 month), you must have a minimum of 1,000,000 RMB in your account. Same rules apply- bank account is frozen. With this knowledge, it may be better understood of why Chinese appear to be so tough on their kids. Going to America or Australia to study is reserved for the wealthy. With so many people in China, it's not shocking to see 100,000 international students at the top of their class. Most Chinese have college degrees; their english has to be "proficient" to graduate high school (hence the need for so many english instructors...want to make a lot of money? Come to China!) Once graduated, the jobs are minimal and the pay is bad...communism still prevails. Many educated work at McDonald's, Starbucks, and an array of restaurants. Even though their english is high, math skills and common sense elude them. Try ordering a cup of coffee from Costa and asking for milk "Mayo (we don't have)" is the first thing that pops out of their mouth even though they just made a latte for the person in front of me. Grocerers are unable to count back money...they rely on the register to instruct them on how much change to give. Sales confuse the heck out of 'em. Labels marked 50% off still require a calculator. Rather than dividing, they subtract until they get the amount right. This usually takes more time than it's worth and is confusing; you also get 70% off more often than not. People in China are only allowed one child. To have another, they must pay an ungodly amount (again, reserved for the wealthy). So, the pressure on the children is out of pride; they want their child to perform better than other children. It is a blessing to have a child, here, and many take that for granted. The music, skating, english, and art lessons aren't because they want their children to be smart. They employ such activities to spoil their children. Like I said, the child controls the parent. It's kind of disturbing, really. If you are ever curious, look for more info. on "The Little Emperor Syndrome"'; it's alive and bustling in China. The amount of geniuses in China is comprable to other countries, percentage-wise. There's just so many people here, it's easy to see why people believe China breeds their children to be mathematical geniuses. Statistically, they have the same amount of high-achievers as the rest of the world.


Years ago, I studied China for a case study I was doing in a sociology class. Can you elaborate on how you think the 1 child policy specifically effects parenting in China? I'm curious about your personal observations, as I have read a bit about it previously...


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## Imperatrix (Jan 8, 2011)

I read this oped too. I like the response by Alexandra Petri in The Washington Post.

An excerpt:

_It's often difficult to distinguish between the things that people dedicate themselves to because they have a natural enthusiasm for them and the ones they do because they happen to be good at them. Dr. Chua theorizes a virtuous cycle -- force your child to do something until he or she becomes good at it, and then allow the delight in mastery to handle the rest. Force your child to be good at math, and he'll love math. Force your child to be good at music, and he'll love music.

This is all very well, but it isn't conducive to sparks. You know what I mean. The spark the moment Bill Gates got his hands on a computer, or James Cameron slipped behind a video camera, or Paul McCartney heard his first strains of Rock 'n Roll. How much you value the spark may vary. Are hundreds of lawyers and doctors worth one Picasso?

Personally, I place a premium on the artistic temperament, mainly because it allows you to get out of bed around noon and wander around wearing pork chops as a hat without people thinking you're a dangerous eccentric. "I am waiting for inspiration," you explain to the other people in the coffee shop, as you bang giant tongs together in front of a statue of Yehudi Menudin. "Ah," they say.

In fact, the categories Dr. Chua singles out as ones in which she did not require her children to excel are telling -- gym, dance and theater; in other words, the ones that require a natural affinity rather than simple dedication. This seems like a tacit acknowledgment that the Chinese Mother Method only goes so far. It can create competence, expertise, even, but it can't manufacture inspiration.

If musicians and mathematicians are what you value, then this is an excellent system. But it seems to foreclose the alluring possibility of -- well, anything else._


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## Ormazd (Jan 26, 2010)

Nova said:


> What do you think?


If this was done to me I would probably feel like I was being tortured. I can't imagine behaving like that towards somebody, how horrific.

Of course there has to be some level of authority, but the child has to be allowed to be their own person as well.


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## NotaPrettyGirl (Sep 19, 2010)

Nova said:


> Years ago, I studied China for a case study I was doing in a sociology class. Can you elaborate on how you think the 1 child policy specifically effects parenting in China? I'm curious about your personal observations, as I have read a bit about it previously...


Similar to adoptive parents (those who cannot conceive), parents allotted only one child plan their conception. Births are planned, carefully, in China. Therefore, when a wife gets pregant, plans begin immediately. It is forbidden for Chinese parents to know the sex of their child prior to giving birth, reducing the abandonment rate. Birth control is sold OTC and is regularly used (only 12 USD per month). Abortions are easy to obtain for teenagers and people not ready to have children. This being said, imagine you are sterile and are able to adopt after years of trying to have a child and waiting for the completion of necessary paperwork. Having a child in China is taken more seriously than in western countires. Plans are made for the child's development on their 100th day of life. The chinese believe the baby is out of harms way and have a huge celebration on the child's 100th day. This also becomes their birthday in many cases. Therefore, it's a blessing to have a child. The cost of having more than one child is set by the goverment. The prenatal care in China is extremely different than in western countries. No vitamins are taken and women wear a protective apron (similar to the apron worn by the actress playing a chinese woman on Mad TV). It's believed this apron blocks all cell-phone waves, microwaves, and radiation. Pregnant women are not allowed to work near this equipment. So, if a nurse becomes pregnant, she must resign until she has had the baby. If a family becomes pregnant and cannot afford to pay the taxes on the baby, they must surrender the child by law. Why do I know such things? I work with foreigners who have chinese wives and babies; ALL of them have left China to give birth. By doing so, they can have as many children as they like because the husband is not a native. Also, my boss and his wife (both natives) had their first child last month. I asked him if he wanted more children, to which he said "We don't have money". They take birth to an extreme. Pain medication is forbidden (unless it's a C-section and only for the surgery; the mother is hospitalized, with no pain medicine, for 3 weeks to heal). After babies are born, mothers are told to lay on their back, instructed not to shower or brush their teeth for one month. The fear of abrasions in your mouth after giving birth is huge and the belief toxins enter your body while showering prevents them from cleaning themselves at all. With all of this information in tow, it's easy to understand why children are spoiled in China. It's not out of choice to have only one child, but by law. Family life is different as well. Once a married couple has a child, the wife's family moves in to help care for the child. There is no day-care facilities; it's more common to see a grandparent taking care of a child than it is the parents (as they work). This may also be because there is no retirement system here. See, parents save money for their son/daughter until they are married. By tradition, you live with your parents until your wedding day. On that day, all the money saved is given to you to buy a home. In larger cities, such as Beijing, the money is enough to pay 10 years of rent. In turn, the married couple takes care of their parents by moving them in and providing for them. The family structure her is solid and of grave importance.
Let me know if you want anymore specifics! It really is a great place to live and a wonderful culture to study!


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## strawberryLola (Sep 19, 2010)

Personally, having had exposure to a similar environment, I can attest to say that the people whom I know who grew up in a very authoritarian type of family graduated from prestigious schools, became doctors, hold high positions in their careers, own expensive houses, drive expensive cars, in the end, are not so happy.. It seems like they're constantly struggling to seek their own self-identity verses the collectivist group.

The thing about the stereotypical (sometimes typical, depending on each family) style of Asian parenting is (traditionally), everything that the parent does for the child is to 'sacrifice' for his/her offspring's education, which would help to provide for the entire group. Meaning, the child fairs well financially in order to take care of the clan. All this is seen as an investment, because the family value is that we revere the adults so that as they grow older, we are responsible to help take care of them. They don't demand it, but it's covert/implied, because family is important and number 1. Not that this is a bad thing, because that is a different set of values, but at the expense of a person's happiness? Which then relates back to the concept of individualism verses collectivism, and finding identity between the two clashing ideals/values- one maintaining one's own autonomy verses the other instilling group interdependence. It's a completely different outlook.


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## Raichan (Jul 15, 2010)

> Here are some things my daughters, Sophia and Louisa, were never allowed to do:
> 
> • attend a sleepover
> 
> ...



Eccccckh. *No thanks.*


Academic success is important, but it's not the be-all and everything. There's way more to life than that.


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## vel (May 17, 2010)

Thrifty Walrus said:


> Don't the Chinese have a relatively high suicide rate though?


I don't think they do, but there is another very disturbing issue that arises from this kind of authoritarian upbringing. I was educated in eastern europe and schools there tended to be authoritarian. The issue I saw with it was that this mindset of expecting to be disrespected as individual children take into their adult life. So as adults they come to expect anyone rank above them to treat them like that. And ultimately come to expect their government to treat them like shit. As a side effect young adults engage in all kinds of excesses, drinking, smoking, drug use, violence and vandalism, and if you attempt to tell them about consequences and ask them why they do it, they will brush you off with an attitude of "what does it matter? our lives have no value anyways." 



NotaPrettyGirl said:


> ... It is a blessing to have a child, here, and many take that for granted. The music, skating, english, and art lessons aren't because they want their children to be smart. They employ such activities to spoil their children. Like I said, the child controls the parent. It's kind of disturbing, really. ...


This is a good point. China's population control policies probably contribute to this phenomenon. If they can only have one kid, the parents will want that kid to be the best and would do anything for him or her.


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## Nitou (Feb 3, 2010)

When I read this, I thought that the parents are grooming the children to be stomped on by their employers, their government, and eventually to raise an army of a billion drones to stomp on the world. 

But there is some merit in this. The Western concept of self-esteem is absurd. My sister could not learn to read because the teachers were more interested in her feelings than her reading proficiency. Self-esteem is best earned through accomplishment or character, not empty praise. Another thing, we don't know if our welfare/social security systems might come crashing down on us. Children should be raised to look after their parents because we cannot rely on government or employers to take care of our families. My mother told me that I am to take care of her in her old age and I will tell my daughter the same thing.


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## NastyCat (Sep 20, 2009)

I don't want to burst anyone's bubbles, but we've been raised with Western values which makes it easy for us to judge them negatively.

I'll use myself for an example. My mother comes from Vietnam, and she's half Chinese and half Vietnamese. She is pretty much the same as the woman described in the article. I never submitted to her values because I learnt English quickly and was also just as quick at picking up Western values, so we have been clashing since I started primary school.

When my mother speaks about her parents (my grand parents), she describes them with so much awe. She actually THANKS them for being so strict whilst pointing out that I don't treat or view her the same way. Now here's the difference: I grew up in a WESTERN society, but she grew up in VIETNAM. If I had grown up in Vietnam or China, all the kids around me would have pretty much been treated the same way. I wouldn't feel so different from the other kids. 

I would also like to point out that the family values are much more different in China than in western societies. In western societies, it's a big thing to be autonomous -- to be able to get things done on your own, etc... However, in China there's a lot more support because parents take a more active role in their child's life. Here's the trade-off: in Western society, if you were to fail you would shoulder the burden of failure yourself, but in China it's not just yourself -- it's your parents, your teachers, and pretty much anyone who takes part in educating you. This so called "Little Emperor" bullshit is something we Westerners have created to perhaps make us feel slightly better about ourselves by believing that there's something much worse out there.

Asian parents easily come off as to having Thinking preferences because of that strictness (i.e. Little "EMOTIONAL SUPPORT"). The thing is that it's the whole culture that values education. You're gonna have to think past what you see and put yourself in their shoes. These so called "Chinese" parents are quick to offer any sort of help to make their kids succeed (like I said, education is a BIG thing), and their kids UNDERSTAND where their parents are coming from because they grew up in such a society. This is THE emotional support that they're getting -- to know that your parents will help you get through.

I'm looking through this thread, and I'm fucking disappointed in all of you. Yes, I have suffered whilst growing up with a "Chinese" mother, but that's because I never understood where she was coming from. It's this whole cultural values barrier that prevents this.

I am hoping that the asian people with so called "Chinese parents" who have read what I've written will actually put some effort to truly understand the angle that their parents are coming from. Take some action and talk with your parents so that they can understand that you grew up differently and thus would like to be treated differently. You'll probably have to find a compromise because it may be impossible to change their thinking.

EDIT: I'm not supporting the extreme acts such as hitting or torturing children. It's just something that dumb parents do when they reach a roadblock and have no idea what to do about it, but the ones that are truly fucked up are the ones that actually believe such tactics work.


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## teddy564339 (Jun 23, 2010)

It seems like everyone else has made all of the points I was going to make already, so I'll try to just offer a brief summary:

-Like NastyCat and NotaPrettyGirl said, this isn't just about parenting, it's about an entirely different culture. It's very difficult to compare the two because neither one would work in the opposite culture...the kids would be so different from anyone else that they would be miserable for the most part. 

-Like Nitou and Thrifty said, both of these two ways I think are pretty extreme. One is too "hard" and the other is too "soft." Discipline and structure are needed, as are encouragement and freedom. Yes, I know this is a cop-out, but I think most would agree. It's almost like a balance of thinking vs. feeling.

-To stick with my MBTI theme, what everyone on this forum should know is that by nature everyone is very different. There's no "one size fits all" way of parenting. You can see this in families...one child can be very healthy, another one very unhealthy, even though they have the same parents. 

-I find it interesting that the thinking types seem to prefer less sensitive ways of parenting and feeling types more sensitive ways. J's probably prefer more structure and P's less. This is because we tend to think of how we think we should have been raised, and we probably have a natural inclination to do that for our children too.


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## Apollo Celestio (Mar 10, 2010)

NotaPrettyGirl said:


> Similar to adoptive parents (those who cannot conceive), parents allotted only one child plan their conception. Births are planned, carefully, in China. Therefore, when a wife gets pregant, plans begin immediately. It is forbidden for Chinese parents to know the sex of their child prior to giving birth, reducing the abandonment rate. Birth control is sold OTC and is regularly used (only 12 USD per month). Abortions are easy to obtain for teenagers and people not ready to have children. This being said, imagine you are sterile and are able to adopt after years of trying to have a child and waiting for the completion of necessary paperwork. Having a child in China is taken more seriously than in western countires. Plans are made for the child's development on their 100th day of life. The chinese believe the baby is out of harms way and have a huge celebration on the child's 100th day. This also becomes their birthday in many cases. Therefore, it's a blessing to have a child. The cost of having more than one child is set by the goverment. The prenatal care in China is extremely different than in western countries. No vitamins are taken and women wear a protective apron (similar to the apron worn by the actress playing a chinese woman on Mad TV). It's believed this apron blocks all cell-phone waves, microwaves, and radiation. Pregnant women are not allowed to work near this equipment. So, if a nurse becomes pregnant, she must resign until she has had the baby. If a family becomes pregnant and cannot afford to pay the taxes on the baby, they must surrender the child by law. Why do I know such things? I work with foreigners who have chinese wives and babies; ALL of them have left China to give birth. By doing so, they can have as many children as they like because the husband is not a native. Also, my boss and his wife (both natives) had their first child last month. I asked him if he wanted more children, to which he said "We don't have money". They take birth to an extreme. Pain medication is forbidden (unless it's a C-section and only for the surgery; the mother is hospitalized, with no pain medicine, for 3 weeks to heal). After babies are born, mothers are told to lay on their back, instructed not to shower or brush their teeth for one month. The fear of abrasions in your mouth after giving birth is huge and the belief toxins enter your body while showering prevents them from cleaning themselves at all. With all of this information in tow, it's easy to understand why children are spoiled in China. It's not out of choice to have only one child, but by law. Family life is different as well. Once a married couple has a child, the wife's family moves in to help care for the child. There is no day-care facilities; it's more common to see a grandparent taking care of a child than it is the parents (as they work). This may also be because there is no retirement system here. See, parents save money for their son/daughter until they are married. By tradition, you live with your parents until your wedding day. On that day, all the money saved is given to you to buy a home. In larger cities, such as Beijing, the money is enough to pay 10 years of rent. In turn, the married couple takes care of their parents by moving them in and providing for them. The family structure her is solid and of grave importance.
> Let me know if you want anymore specifics! It really is a great place to live and a wonderful culture to study!


This is all useful information, any links and/or other insights you have would be extremely appreciated. Believe it or not, I believe this is an emphasis on N more than S.. 


izzie said:


> Eccccckh. *No thanks.*
> 
> 
> Academic success is important, but it's not the be-all and everything. There's way more to life than that.


Agreed. It's like nobody can get it right.


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## Drea (Apr 13, 2010)

Who the hell wants a "stereotypically successful" child anyway? Who the hell wants to be "sterotypically successful" themsleves?


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## lirulin (Apr 16, 2010)

I have to say, reading that, at least the woman wanted to_ help _her child to succeed. My parents had similarly insanely high academic expectations and _very _similar strict rules that made me a total weirdo and utterly out of touch with most of my peers -- but they did jack shit to help me achieve them. I had to do homework under my covers with a flashlight because they didn't want me up late "bothering" them, and I got up at 6am to get to school early where my "noise" wouldn't bug them so I could do more homework then.

I do not see a huge issue with pushing - and _assisting_ - a child to gain basic mastery, where interest can take over - so long as you then _let_ interest take over. But kids, even ones as stubborn as I was, are not so hard to manipulate as you need _that_ much pressure. Good grief. If you're young, you tend to be aware of how much power parents have and what they can take away to a degree beyond what is even realistic. They can seem huge and powerful. It doesn't require bullying. That said, the degree of structure and focus on academics I can take is going to be higher than for some others - tailoring things to your child seems rather important.

I certainly hate the 'western' over-permissiveness, but I do appreciate the concept expressed that your kids didn't choose to exist and needn't spend the rest of their fucking life thanking you for _your _free choice - plus the idea that, oh yeah, your child's achievements aren't just about_ you._

The idea, though, that this crushes creativity...well fear can, but so can incompetence. Again with the balance.


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## NotaPrettyGirl (Sep 19, 2010)

NastyCat said:


> I don't want to burst anyone's bubbles, but we've been raised with Western values which makes it easy for us to judge them negatively.
> 
> 
> I would also like to point out that the family values are much more different in China than in western societies. In western societies, it's a big thing to be autonomous -- to be able to get things done on your own, etc... However, in China there's a lot more support because parents take a more active role in their child's life. Here's the trade-off: in Western society, if you were to fail you would shoulder the burden of failure yourself, but in China it's not just yourself -- it's your parents, your teachers, and pretty much anyone who takes part in educating you. This so called "Little Emperor" bullshit is something we Westerners have created to perhaps make us feel slightly better about ourselves by believing that there's something much worse out there.
> ...


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## NotaPrettyGirl (Sep 19, 2010)

Apollo Celestio said:


> This is all useful information, any links and/or other insights you have would be extremely appreciated. Believe it or not, I believe this is an emphasis on N more than S..
> 
> 
> I'm not sure where you can gather more information. I'm sure there's websites on the culture and parenting. If you enjoy reading, Rickshaw Boy by Lao She is a great read. I'm visiting his hutong next week


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## Azwan (Nov 2, 2010)

NastyCat said:


> I don't want to burst anyone's bubbles, but we've been raised with Western values which makes it easy for us to judge them negatively.
> 
> I'll use myself for an example. My mother comes from Vietnam, and she's half Chinese and half Vietnamese. She is pretty much the same as the woman described in the article. I never submitted to her values because I learnt English quickly and was also just as quick at picking up Western values, so we have been clashing since I started primary school.
> 
> ...


So what exactly is your stand on this issue?


On a side note, I've been reading this book called "They F*** You Up" by Oliver James.










The "Chinese Mother" employs a style of parenting which correlates to Oliver James' dichotomy of Authoritative. Children nurtured under this parenting style is called punitive, which in essence causes you to be anal-retentive and fearful of authority. Which then, turns them into a "Chinese mother" themselves.

A well known person who was parented this way is George W. Bush.

Here is an excerpt from the book on Bush's parents (mother in particular) and how he was raised:



> [Barbara Bush is described by her closest intimates as prone to 'withering stares' and 'sharply crystalline' retorts. She was also extremely tough. When he was aged 7, Bush's younger sister Robin died of leukemia and several independent witnesses say he was very upset by this loss. Barbara claims its effect was exaggerated but nobody could accuse her of overreacting; the day after the funeral, she and her husband were on the golf course. She was the main authority figure in the home. Jeb describes it as having been a 'kind of matriarchy ... when we were growing up, dad wasn't at home. Mom was the one to hand out the goodies and the discipline.' A childhood friend recalls that 'She was the one who instilled fear' while Bush put it like this: 'Every mother has her own style. Mine was little like an army drill sergeant's.... my mother's always been a very outspoken person who vents very well - she'll just let it rip if she's got something on her mind.' According to his uncle, the 'letting rip' often included slaps and hits.
> 
> Boys with such mothers are at a much higher risk of becoming wild, alcoholic or antisocial.
> ....
> ...


This shows that this kind of parenting only breeds another of the same. Or rather, one that is rather close-minded and judgmental.

Any child who did not possess the strong will of Bush here might just turn out like the Asian woman andywg and I were discussing, who chased her mom with a cleaver despite the success. This could also explain the high suicide rates, relating to the Asian woman.

Do we really want mothers like that to nurture our kids into becoming alcoholics, wild and/or antisocial, assuming the child in question did not have the resources that Bush was injected with for his own success? Or if the child in question did turn out like Bush, do you think we need another clone like him to lead a country?

Back to NastyCat's post, I don't really get it. It's because you're complimenting this parenting style, but then you're saying you're suffering under this parenting style. So which is which?


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## Filigeedreamer (Sep 4, 2010)

There are traces of this in my own childhood. My dad is an ESTJ and this is more his parenting style. My mum is an ENFJ and hers is the more "Western" method. 

My father is very strict, and demands certain things from his childeren, respect and obidence, above all else, and high levels of effort and attainment educationally. He belives in making sure I do what he thinks is best for me, even when this is not what I want and it makes me very unhappy. I am also very stuborn, I prize my freedom above all else, and I am dyslexic. There were, and are, frequent clashes. 

If I got a B when I usualy got an A, I got told I was a diapiontment. If I got an A, why wasn't it an A*? My teachers could wax lyrical about me, and he would pick up on the one negative and bring it up over and over again. 

If I refused to eat my veggtibles he'd threaten to hang me up outside in the garden by my toes, and all mannor of ghastly things. . I'm frequently told I am a discrace to the human race

If I did not tidy my room up, he would threaten me with horrific things and start putting all my toys into dustbin sacks to be cast out into the streets. He only stopped when I cried and begged for them back.

My father would physically force me to brush my teeth because I refused to do it, and would run wildly from such a propect, he would lie in wait for me, rugby tackle me, and say either I could brush them or he would. It was not pleasent when he tried to do this, and I frequently tried to bite him. 

He terrified my friends, one of them dropped crisps on our floor by accident, and he went mad. 

He never tells me I did or am doing well, no matter what it is I do. He always pushes for more, for me to be better.

My friends and outsiders are often horrified by his methods, thinking he is some cruel ogre, and I complain about him a lot. Yet, this all comes from love. He wants me to be the very best that I can be, and he doesn't belive in allowing me to make mistakes as he cares about me too much for that. My brother refused to do some essentual school work, and my mum basically said if he didn't want to she didn't care, it was his life and he'd learn himself. My dad was furiouse, asking if she actually loved her son. He belived as a child he was too imature to make those calls, and as an adult he'd regret it. Being his parents it was their duty to be hard on him in order to instil the skills and values he would need for adult life and to be successful. 

If I ever had any problems at school with bullying, or teachers not supporting me with my educational needs, he would fight my corner tirelessly. He and my mother paid for extra curricular suport for me, which was very costly, so I could go on to achieve and be happy. I did not enjoy it at the time, and I had to be cohersed into doing it, I am so glad they did coherse me. He pushed because he belived in me, that I could do better, when everyone else said I couldn't. 

I do not agree with all of his methods, but I think over all he is a very good father, I am proud of him and how he brought me up. I've gone from a severly dyslexic illiterate child, to a severly dyslexic adult with an English degree. I could not have done that without him and those unpleasent expirences. Left to my own devises I do not know what would have become of me, but I doubt I would be very happy. I'm quite acedemic by nature, and without passible literacy skills I'd have had no way to tap into that. I can also garentee my brother or I would never smoke, take drugs, do anything illegal or overly risky, if only out of consern over his reaction. 

This was tempered by my mothers aprouch too, which is more cuddly. She told me to be myself, belive in myself, and to always do my very best and she could never ask for more. She encoraged me to be different and true to myself, while my father gave me a very stable structre to build around. I am naturally stuborn and wild, I needed to be taught that sometimes in life you need to show restraint and do things you don't want to. My mother taught me not to do this at the expense of what was really importaint, or to sacrifice all I was to acheive it. My own interests were always encoraged by her, and I was in a LOT of school plays, and extra curricular clubs/groups. They saw this as part of a healthy balence, where I needed to do those upleasent things so I could continue doing what I loved. 

When my mother says she is proud of me, it is pleasent, but it doesn't mean a lot. When I hear someone say "your father was just telling me all about how proud he is of you, and how hard you work" it means the world. 

I would certainly employ aspects of this parenting style myself, but I would not go as far as he did, or put _so_ much emphasis on acedemic success or _obidence_. He has not entirly suceeded in reigning me in anyway, but being naturally wild and stuborn I needed the structure and disaplin he provided to help me learn self disapline. I find this skill invaluable. It worked less well with my shy an naturally obidient brother, who required his self esteam boosted, but then my mother took a greater role in his upbringing because they both recognised that. 

I think taking it to the extream of the OP is potentually harmful, but so is the other extream.


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## dagnytaggart (Jun 6, 2010)

Wow. I would have run away if I had a psychotic bat like that for a mom. My parents never even thought about or mentioned homework...ever. I played video games most of the time, didn't bother my mother. My mother was also very big on my enjoyment of activities - if I didn't like something, I didn't have to do it. And I was encouraged to pursue happiness over wealth.

Oh, and self-esteem...she believed that it is a birthright. Personally, I think it's something that must be earned.

I'm not a typical cookie cutter 4-years-at-MIT-then-work-in-an-office-drive-BMW "success", but I'm accomplished and accomplishing in my own new way.

This article actually makes me appreciate my sentimental, ooey-gooey ESFJ mom. Slightly.


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## Mutatio NOmenis (Jun 22, 2009)

NotaPrettyGirl said:


> I cannot resist; I live and teach in Beijing. There is a well-known syndrome called "Little Emperor". Children in China have some strange powers over their mothers. Whatever the child wants to do, he or she is allowed. There is no discipline; it's common to hear "buxie" from a child when his/her mother wants to leave and to see children hitting their parents. What people don't understand is there are over 25 billion people in China. The government controls EVERYTHING- Facebook and You Tube is banned, religions are banned (one so harshly you will be deported or jailed), and leaving the country is a priviledge. If you choose to leave China, you must have a minimum of 25,000 RMB in your account and surrender your bank card. This allows the Chinese natives to leave for no more than 10 days; no matter how far the travel. China's banking system is meek, at best. If you lose your card, whether you are a native or foreigner, your bank account is frozen for 15 days and you have no access to your funds; it does not matter if you bring in your ID and paperwork provided when the account is opened. If you want to leave China for an extended amount of time (more than 1 month), you must have a minimum of 1,000,000 RMB in your account. Same rules apply- bank account is frozen. With this knowledge, it may be better understood of why Chinese appear to be so tough on their kids. Going to America or Australia to study is reserved for the wealthy. With so many people in China, it's not shocking to see 100,000 international students at the top of their class. Most Chinese have college degrees; their english has to be "proficient" to graduate high school (hence the need for so many english instructors...want to make a lot of money? Come to China!) Once graduated, the jobs are minimal and the pay is bad...communism still prevails. Many educated work at McDonald's, Starbucks, and an array of restaurants. Even though their english is high, math skills and common sense elude them. Try ordering a cup of coffee from Costa and asking for milk "Mayo (we don't have)" is the first thing that pops out of their mouth even though they just made a latte for the person in front of me. Grocerers are unable to count back money...they rely on the register to instruct them on how much change to give. Sales confuse the heck out of 'em. Labels marked 50% off still require a calculator. Rather than dividing, they subtract until they get the amount right. This usually takes more time than it's worth and is confusing; you also get 70% off more often than not. People in China are only allowed one child. To have another, they must pay an ungodly amount (again, reserved for the wealthy). So, the pressure on the children is out of pride; they want their child to perform better than other children. It is a blessing to have a child, here, and many take that for granted. The music, skating, english, and art lessons aren't because they want their children to be smart. They employ such activities to spoil their children. Like I said, the child controls the parent. It's kind of disturbing, really. If you are ever curious, look for more info. on "The Little Emperor Syndrome"'; it's alive and bustling in China. The amount of geniuses in China is comprable to other countries, percentage-wise. There's just so many people here, it's easy to see why people believe China breeds their children to be mathematical geniuses. Statistically, they have the same amount of high-achievers as the rest of the world.


You are describing a system where people learn and function on brute force rote recital with minimal thought or effort of their own, therefore, they are like robots who can only do what is programed in them.

This is the model I believe in: If a child is good, congratulate. If a child misbehaves, reprimand. If they continue to, take away something of value without negotiating. If they still persist, hit them. If a child performs well in school, congratulate them according to their achievement. If the child is not being a success in school, help them. If they do not care, scare them straight. If they hate their school, find a way to fix that. If they are being bullied, teach them to fight. If they whine, ignore them. If they are crybabies, then hit them. If you kid is a dick, kick them in the face. If you daughter turns down a guy based on height, make her feel like shit. If your son rejects a girl based on weight, make him feel like shit. If your child is abusing a sibling, then spell out that it is completely unacceptable while pointing a gun at then. If your kid is an idiot, make them at least reach basic competency. When there is leisure time, let them have fun. Be no harder than you have to be. Do not torture them. Only put on the Drill Sergeant hat when you have to.


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