# This tiny voice deep down inside telling me to leave my boyfriend, is it gut feeling?



## Dreamy (Oct 29, 2009)

I've been in a relationship for two years. During all this time, I have been doubting if he is right for me. He's great and we go along great together, it's just that I haven't been feeling in love and the attraction is not very strong from my part. But he has a lot of the qualities I'm looking for in a boyfriend. When we first got together I wasn't interrested, but then he charmed me in some way and I got along so well with him so we ended up together. It just felt so easy to be with him and we have so much fun together and can talk about everything. 

The problem is that when I'm with him, there is a tiny voice deep deep down saying "Leave him!", "You don't want to be in a relationship with him", "It's never gonna last"... So even when I'm feeling happy with him, this voice is ruining it and gives me anxiouity, so I never manage to be completely happy. In a way, it started off bad, since I wasn't interrested in the beginning. I never got to feel this excitement like ”I hope he likes me”. I have felt so secure with him from day 1 and in a way the relationship has been out of balance beause of this. I hardly ever have this feeling: "I'm so proud of my boyfriend and so happy that he is mine".

I have been totally hounest with him from the beginning about that I don't know what I want and I don't know how many talks we have had about this (He is so understanding, I can't believe he puts up with me). He's an ENTP by the way, a great personality type for me. I don't know how many times I have almost broken up with him but then changed my mind in the last minute. And I broke up with him for real twice, moving all my stuff back to my apartment, but it only lasted for a week, then I missed him too much. And when I was alone I did not hear this voice anymore and it was so easy to dream of how fantastic our life could be together. This sounds like a mess, but we actually have a great time together except for this ”little” problem.

I'm 31 and I'm really longing for a family now and want to try to get kids. I just want everything to feel right. I broke up with him a few weeks ago, but after a week I returned to him and said I wanted to live with him and create a family together. I really felt sure of this then. Then a week later I got panic, and that's about where we are now. He is of course getting fed up by this and I have to make a desicion as soon as possible, move in with him and rent out my apartment and try to get kids or break up for real - nothing in between (we already waisted two years). He, by the way, wants to go for the kid alternative.

When I talk to people about this, they just tell me to listen to my gut feeling, but that doesn't help!  I'm not very good at identifying my gut feeling. I'm actually soo jealous of people who know what they feel and who say things like "it feels right in the stomach" and don't have any doubt that their partner is right for them. When I'm with him, I have feelings that say that I should leave him, and when I'm not with him I have feelings that say that I should be with him. I have no idea wheather these are gut feelings or something else or which of these feelings are ”real”. Maybe it is gutfeeling telling me to leave him, but what if it's not? Should I really take that feeling seriously? It's like, no matter what I decide today or how secure I feel, I can't trust that I'll be wanting the same thing tomorrow. It's quite scary to make a big desicion then. So what to do? Should I just go for it try to make the best of it? If it doesn't work out in the end I will at least feel like I tried and maybe I'll even have a fantastic kid. Or should I just let go of it? My life will be very empty, but at least I will hopefully get rid of the problems. Unless I just regret my desicion. 

Any help on this would be highly appreciated, because it feels like my life is falling apart.


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## TurranMC (Sep 15, 2009)

From what you said it sounds like he's great for you. Perfect even. I think your problem, and its actually a problem that many people seem to have, is that when a relationship is going so well they begin to doubt it. They can't imagine things being so great. Everything else in life has been cruel to you in some way, so what makes this different? Is this how you feel? It can be a very irrational feeling and its hard to get over. You want to give yourself over completely and get lost in the relationship but something is holding you back.


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## decided (May 17, 2009)

Sweetie, if you keep telling yourself that the relationship will not work out... you may well fulfil your own prophecy.

But if you leave this man I think you will eventually regret it. I think your internal conversation with yourself seems to be based on an ideal that does not exist. Perfect does not exist!

I think you should make an appointment to talk to a counsellor about all of your anxieties, and try to find a new perspective on your life. From what I can tell, you should be happy. And you seem like a nice person who deserves to feel happy.

I suspect you are suffering from depression, because one of the symptoms is thinking that you can solve all of life's problems with one swift step. I might be wrong, but I've felt like this before. I have been with my husband for over 9 years, and nearly left him a few months ago when I was at the worst of my depression.

You can get through this, and I think your partner will stand by you through anything you need.

Good luck.


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## Blue Butterfly (Sep 19, 2009)

I agree with all the above and wanted to add one point. Do not rush or let yourself be rushed into either decision. Tell him you need time to figure this thing out. If he is the right one he will give you all the time you need to see this for yourself. If he is pressuring you then that may be a good sign he is not the right one. Maybe your gut is telling you to leave for a good reason. And maybe it is not your gut at all talking to you. Either way take time to know for sure if you want this man.


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## EvilByte (Aug 5, 2009)

I think decided hit the nail on the head here. We INFJs have a deep inner sense of seeking perfection and finding the true spiritual meaning to life. We're so spiritual that we often can disconnect from reality and retreat into our imaginations to find an idealize version of the entire world, and how everything could be if just so and so were to happen, or if we had just said that one thing, or if just...

Doubt and regret is an ultimate killer for me. I simply stopped questioning what if years ago, because it drove me nearly insane and into incredible depressive states. I saw so many possibilities for a better and brighter future, and it all depended on what I could have done different, even the smallest, tiniest act. The worst was when I would reassure myself that drinking a glass of orange juice versus a glass of milk could have devastatingly drastic effects on what the future might be like, a kind of ultimate butterfly effect. But it's incredibly unhealthy to think like that.

It's important to have goals, and strive for them and a brighter future. But you have to be happy with what you have now, first. If your head is constantly in the future you will *never* be happy. Every happy feeling will touch your heart and leave as fleetingly as if the wind had blown it away, and you will be tormented constantly with the dread of possibilities. 

These possibilities and doubts were always worst for me when I had a serious girlfriend. Not as serious as marriage, but as serious as they could be for my age. I was so worried that there might be someone just a little bit better out there, a little bit more perfect, that I never could appreciate being with her. When I was around her I became enraptured in my emotions and care for her, but whenever I was alone the doubt crept in and tore through my heart like a ravenous frost. I couldn't get away from it.

Needless to say, it ruined the relationship because it just broke me down. I stopped caring as much over time, and drifted further away from her into myself. Then we'd break up, and after a short period I'd realize how horrible I had been and how unfair I was, and I'd try to go back, because I really did still care. After a few times, however, it couldn't last. It just got worse every time we pseudo broke up, and it never healed well because I never lost my fears and doubts.

It's taken me years, but I've tried extremely hard to just let go of things. My personal motto has become "go with the flow," and it makes me look very P to most outsiders. Inside I still have that desire for structure and perfection, but I've learned to accept life as it is. Living with only possibilities is no way to live well, especially if you want a lasting relationship.

The hardest part for me was my desperate need to share this with others, and especially to my girlfriend to tell her. But somewhere deep down I believed that she could never understand, and that she would be deeply offended that I had such incredibly doubt about the relationship. The problem is, I never found out, and I let my despair ruin everything. And I think it's only after I realized how much and how many times I had hurt her that I realized that I was so far from the ideal image of myself that I projected that I was simply heartbroken at myself.

I had always had the strength of thousands, one against the world, completely concealed and unto myself. I never needed anyone for anything, and somehow I thought that a relationship would be the best thing ever, even with that attitude. Well I painfully found out that my attitude was horrendously wrong; sure, I can stand on my own and take care of myself, but I'm not a solitary person. I'm not the one man in an infinitely empty universe, fighting depression, darkness and the cold as a martyr with a lost cause.

My main problem is that I don't know how to help you. I approve wholly of honesty, and sharing your feelings and deepest secrets and doubts in hope that the connection with someone will be able to bring some answers, or at least provide a direction. Maybe that would be a personal test for you if he's really the right one; if he can help you through your doubts about him and the future, and a need for idyllic perfection, then I can imagine no one else who could be more right for you. The only problem is I don't know if anyone can truly help you, so that may be no way to judge if he is right for you.

It's a battle of self-exploration, and while those surely never have to be undertaken alone, you will have to motivate yourself to change how you view the world. If you can accept imperfection and appreciate the here and now, then you have a fighting chance of making that relationship last forever, and for making it a very happy one. But you need to take action and try to talk about it, and try to start accepting things more and more; this is the least passive change one could make in their lives; changing their outlook on life. 

I'll offer all the help I can, and I'm sure others here will as well. I'm just not sure how to do so. I hope you do find inner peace eventually, and hopefully in the happiest way possible.


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## Lilsnowy (Sep 9, 2009)

I'm an ENFP so I may be clueless, but still, I guess I'm wondering why you feel like you should leave when you are together. Normally, when you're with someone you love, you will not feel that way. When you're miserable, or abused, or neglected or _bored out of your mind_ you think, "Leave him!" Not when you're happy. I think if you were to live alone for awhile and see that you can care for yourself again, you will be able to know what you really want to do. The longing to be with him after you move out and thinking about all how wonderful it all is, may be like a *drug *that medicates your *fears* of being alone. 

If you have honestly felt this whole time that it isn't right, then it probably is not right. He sounds like a great guy, and a loving guy, but is he the guy for you? Fireworks only last for a while in a long relationship, but without them at all, wow...I can't imagine. The little voice is telling you something is wrong. Especially if you're an INFJ. You are probably *deeply intuitve* but don't trust it or havne't had enough experience using it. *That's what the little voice is; it's your intuition*! yes, we can be wrong at times, but we usually learn to steer ourselves but taking risks and listening to what our little voice is telling us. 

I can't imagine being in a relationship that doesn't at least start out as an intensely spiritual and magnetic. By the fact you've been in this for a couple years already, you clearly don't hop from one man to the next looking for the perfect relationship. But having said that, maybe it's time to get real with yourself about what you find attractive, need emotionally, spirtually, sexually, if you know. Don't go over this with him. Go over it with a friend or counselor. 

Is it fear or love that motivates you to move back? *There is no question* you will experince losses if you break up. That's to be expected. Be prepared that you will grieve. Maybe a depression screen would be helpful to you. You might feel better about everything if you can talk to someone *besides him* about this. Maybe you feel depressed because deep down where the little voice is, you are not happy. 

To share, I lived with a man for a few years before I met my husband. We were best friends, so close people said we were like twins, but we were no longer sexually attracted to one another. We broke up when I finally admitted to myself --and then to him-- that I needed something different to feel fullfilled. I have only good memeories of him because he was my true friend and my first love, and he was so good to me, but I do not regret breaking up all those years ago. It hurt terribly not to be able to talk to him; this was a man I never had a fight with, a man who got tears in his eyes when he saw *I* was hurting. Today, after many years of no contact, we keep in touch by email, but it wasn't right for me then and it wouldn't be right today. I did not have feelings for him that I needed for a lifetime of marriage. 

I hope this helps you somehow and doesn't confuse you.


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## WickedQueen (Jun 1, 2009)

Sounds to me that you're a perfect Enneagram type 4.



> A special cross for intimate Fours to bear is that they are drawn to precisely what they can't have. This is romantic tragedy. We are perfect for each other, but she lives in San Francisco and I dwell in Santa Fe. So we commute every third month. We have a wonderful week or weekend and then return to our respective hells. Or he is a carpenter and she is an opera star. Or she is wealthy and he sells siding. Any obstacle will do as long as the intimate Four doesn't have to endure the real relationship. It is so much sweeter in the mind than in reality.
> 
> But when the obstacle is taken away, then the habit of comparing reality to the ideal (which worked fine when I idealized her as she lived in San Francisco) sets in, and I begin to notice that she has shoddy taste in Impressionism, actually listens to Metallica and may have voted for George Bush. How can I possibly live with such a creature? The comparative thinking leads to fault finding as it compares a real person to an ideal.
> 
> This can set up a push/pull relationship. I love you while you are absent, but up close I notice you have a lot of faults. But as soon as you go, I begin to idealize you and get in touch with the really deep feelings I have for you. Please come back and torture me again.


.


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## Selden (May 24, 2009)

WickedQueen said:


> Sounds to me that you're a perfect Enneagram type 4.


Uhh, that's definitely not me. But than again, I'm enneagram type 4. However, I think what she's saying can be applied to all types and relationships. 

I think the important part is to ride out the feelings and think about it from a more balanced perspective. I'm not talking about being unemotional/"logical" but rather, not letting the current feeling control it but rather your overall feelings about him. Still, I know a lot of breakup/divorces from people who felt it was getting too perfect and many of them regretted after trying to find another special person. Still, if you don't want that relationship, than don't have it. It's best to find what makes you happy and also not drag someone under your doubts and negative moods.


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## WickedQueen (Jun 1, 2009)

Selden said:


> However, I think what she's saying can be applied to all types and relationships.


Uhh, that's definitely not me.

Beside, I don't idealized my mate, as I'm a very realistic person.


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## Selden (May 24, 2009)

WickedQueen said:


> Uhh, that's definitely not me.
> 
> Beside, I don't idealized my mate, as I'm a very realistic person.


Well that's no fun then, is it:crazy:

Of course, "realism" is very subjective when it comes to human relationships. Even being objective is a subjective view of how you look at people. I don't think there's anything wrong if you idealize someone, as long as you accept their whole selves and don't use them as your only foundation of this life.


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## Ninja (Jun 28, 2009)

Looks as to me as if multiple parts of you are contending with each other. Your body is pushing you to reproduce due to your increasing age, along with your conscious knowledge of the fact that you're running out of time. That's how you feel, so I'll agree, but I don't think you're getting old nor running out of time any faster than the rest of us.. but to each their own, so I'll go with your flow. However, your flow shouldn't be going to any baby dreamy's because you don't appear to be in a stable enough relationship just yet.

Something didn't attract you to him in the beginning. I'm wondering what it was. He pursued you at first but you weren't interested. I'm thinking at the time, perhaps you didn't have the desire to pursue anyone of interest due to something you went through, or you were really busy with work, or some other factor was keeping you away from people you liked and would have felt that "does he like me!?" feeling around, so you decided to settle for this person who was was always around and hitting on you. And you eventually warmed up to him. Perhaps he was a person who presented normality, calmness, someone who wasn't constantly exploring his own mind like yourself and you found comfort in this. Perhaps you viewed him as a break from the pursuit of other endeavors/people, and not someone to be pursued which is why you didn't feel a fuzzy attraction. 

I'm wondering what it is that you see, but don't see, that's causing you to act how you do. Would you mind telling me what he didn't do, or have, that you have liked more so in those you have been attracted to earlier so? Perhaps he showed a sign of something undesirable to you that is now covered up by other qualities so much that you can't see deep down enough to pin point what it is you dislike any more. Perhaps you've grown so use to this person that you have become content in the ritual and the comfortability of his company.... but not comfortable with him himself, with his characteristics as an individual enough to be with him so long on a romantic level. This would explain to me why you want to be away from him when you are with him, but want to be with him when you aren't with him.


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## WickedQueen (Jun 1, 2009)

Selden said:


> Well that's no fun then, is it:crazy:


Reality can crush people's dream and hope. That's the fun part. *evil grin*




> Of course, "realism" is very subjective when it comes to human relationships. Even being objective is a subjective view of how you look at people.


Any subjective person would definitely said that.
(I didn't mean to say that you're a subjective person. I just think that your reason is too common for me. I heard that all the time. I disagree with that, but I haven't got a will to prove that the statement is not-quite true as well, so I guess I'll just leave it alone.)




> I don't think there's anything wrong if you idealize someone, as long as you accept their whole selves and don't use them as your only foundation of this life.


I didn't say anything about idealized someone is _wrong_, I was just saying that I'm a very realistic person.
(By the way, this is what I dislike most about Perceivers, they ALWAYS misunderstood my words and easily got offended. *sigh*).


.


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## The Proof (Aug 5, 2009)

here's a thought, maybe you're spending too much time together, try meeting less often, not a lot less, just a little less

and I don't think a big decision like kids should be taken lightly, it does require "stick-to-it-iveness", however, if you've got procrastination problems, maybe you should just jump in :laughing:

my solution for you is this, go ahead and have a great relationship, don't think about it, just do it and get some help, like therapy, for your fear problem

I have that sometimes, but somehow I work through it, I had it really bad a few years ago, life can't be perfect, but it can be pretty good, I think you can learn that and it's probably going to be painlessroud:


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## Ungweliante (Feb 26, 2009)

Dreamy said:


> *I've been in a relationship for two years. During all this time, I have been doubting if he is right for me.* He's great and we go along great together, it's just that *I haven't been feeling in love and the attraction is not very strong from my part.* But he has a lot of the qualities I'm looking for in a boyfriend. When we first got together I wasn't interrested, but then he charmed me in some way and I got along so well with him so we ended up together. It just felt so easy to be with him and we have so much fun together and can talk about everything.
> 
> The problem is that when I'm with him, there is a tiny voice deep deep down saying "Leave him!", "You don't want to be in a relationship with him", "It's never gonna last"... So even when I'm feeling happy with him, this voice is ruining it and gives me anxiouity, so I never manage to be completely happy. In a way, it started off bad, since I wasn't interrested in the beginning. *I never got to feel this excitement like ”I hope he likes me”.* I have felt so secure with him from day 1 and in a way the relationship has been out of balance beause of this. *I hardly ever have this feeling: "I'm so proud of my boyfriend and so happy that he is mine".*
> 
> ...


I have highlighted the important things you should concentrate on here.

I think Hurting and WickedQueen already covered the subject. What is happening here is that you're idealizing him. When you are away from him, you are able to see your idealized image of him again...you're not seeing him, but instead your ideal image of how a companion should be for you, and how that is actualized in him. When you are with him, you see the real him...a person whom you do not - and cannot - love. Your panic reaction - _introverted feeling_ - was you realizing that your life is not heading where you want, despite how much you would wish it to be so. This is exactly the gut feeling that people tell you to follow. It tells us what we really want, and what is right.

You can never find your ideal companion. However, you can find a companion who has shares enough qualities with your ideal companion. As it seems to me, the person with whom you are now doesn't.

I would suggest you take time and go on a journey of self-discovery. Do the enneagram & MBTI test and familiarize yourself with the theory. Like WickedQueen already suggested, the enneagram 4 intimate subtype ( Enneagram Central - Subtype Four Intimate ) might be something you relate to. Keep in mind that your journey of self-discovery will not be over in a week or a month. You need at least half a year for it. However things are, now is NOT a good time to have children.


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## Ninja (Jun 28, 2009)

Someone better acknowledge my words as profound and stuffs. I need to maintain my ego you know.


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## Ungweliante (Feb 26, 2009)

Ninja said:


> Someone better acknowledge my words as profound and stuffs. I need to maintain my ego you know.


After a quick glance, it would seem that they are. I will read them better after I'm back. Now, 2012 awaits :happy:


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## Selden (May 24, 2009)

WickedQueen said:


> Any subjective person would definitely said that.
> (I didn't mean to say that you're a subjective person. I just think that your reason is too common for me. I heard that all the time. I disagree with that, but I haven't got a will to prove that the statement is not-quite true as well, so I guess I'll just leave it alone.)


But it's true. When most people say they're objective, they simply mean they're pessimists. For example, if you were trying to find a "realistic" consistancy, you would throw out anything that isn't realistic or against your ideology. It's just human and impossible to avoid. I'm not saying there aren't any rules but I'm also saying that with any rules, there are plenty of exceptions:laughing:





> I didn't say anything about idealized someone is _wrong_, I was just saying that I'm a very realistic person.
> (By the way, this is what I dislike most about Perceivers, they ALWAYS misunderstood my words and easily got offended. *sigh*).


I didn't misunderstand your words and I'm not offended. Like any other discussion, I'm just having fun with it while getting perspective on all sides:happy:


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## Tal (Oct 19, 2009)

I had the same experience with a girl I was with for 2 1/2 years. She was great and we had a lot in common. Great conversations, everything I would look for in a woman if I had to make a list.
For the entire time I had the same gut feeling. For me it even sometimes bordered on feeling physically ill. 
In my head I wanted to be with her, and everytime we were apart for a long time we missed eachother and talked for hours by phone, online etc. When I was with her though I just knew inside we were wrong for eachother, no logical explanation, just an inner knowledge.
I had to go with my gut in the end. There was nothing else I could really do. I just couldn't imagine ignoring the inner voice and actually ending up feeling that way for the rest of my life. 
I think the inner voice is there for a reason, your soul telling you what your eyes and reason can't.
I think the person that feels it usually knows exactly what it's telling them as well, an innate sense of knowing what's right or wrong for you, and the confusion starts when we try and ignore it. Problem is, it won't let you ignore it.


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## Dreamy (Oct 29, 2009)

Thank you all for your replies and good comments!

I decided to take a little break from him, so now I live at my apartment again. I still don't know what's right or wrong, but I just needed to be alone for a while and try to get some perspective. And to get a rest from everything and all the analyzing. So there will be no baby plans unless the problems are solved. 

I think the reason that I wasn't interrested in him in the first place was that he didn't completely fulfil the superficial high standards of my ideal boyfriend (that's not easy to fulfil). Or maybe it was because he was so interrested in me. Or maybe gut feeling.  At least it wasn't anything more concrete than that, because he is really a fantastic person.

I also started to see a councellor today! I can't say that I'm any less confused after the first session, but I'll try at least one more session. Hopefully it will be useful. She didn't think that this fear necessarily had to be gut feeling. I sounded like it could be something about not being able to fall in love with someone who likes you, but I don't know. At least it was very good to talk about this with someone objective.

I'll probably write more here later, but at the moment I don't have any energy at all to analyse this, I just need a rest from it all.


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## PeacePassion (Jun 9, 2009)

yeah, as important as it is to listen to your gut feelings, those pseudo-gut feelings that are actually masquerading fears or other bumps in the psyche can make it all so confusing. good luck!


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