# I'm a mess...lol



## parallel (Aug 18, 2009)

I don't know where to start, but since I can remember it has always seemed like girls are intimidated by me. I think my thick, cold INTP shell and my bold personality had kept almost all girls at bay in high school. Getting to the point, I don't know how to make myself more approachable. Is it a body language thing? I'm tired of never having a girlfriend, I feel like I'm missing out on a lot.

Another thing obstructing my progress is that I can't talk to girls I'm attracted to. Hell, I can hardly talk to girls I'm not attracted to and even then I'm always serious lol. Basically, I get too nervous and this stifles my spontaneity. I think this is rooted in a fear that girls won't like who I really am. The fear comes from being rejected harshly before. I normally discard things like this with ease, but this fear sticks to me. On top of this, I have no female friends because every instance in which I somehow feel at ease, uncover my true self, and become friends with a girl they usually end up liking me real fast (or don't like it and treat me like a distant acquaintance). :blushed:


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## Verdant Hollow (Aug 25, 2009)

Ask good friends or family to help you with your posture, body language, tone, conversation pace, etc. Ask them to be brutally honest. Then practice, practice, practice.

Talking to attractive girls is something that only comes with confidence, real internal confidence. If you try and fake it, you'll eventually break down, if you don't crack right away.

Confidence is a much slower process, unless you get lucky, but as you gain more good friends, get positive reactions to rejection, etc. you'll build it up. Also, working on a positive conception of one's self is key, so just work slowly on positive thinking and always root for yourself :laughing:


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## thehigher (Apr 20, 2009)

tdmg has good advice for you. Be yourself and talk to girls as not as "women" but as "people". Women don't like being treated like aliens. Use your Ne and loosen up. Don't make too many judgments.


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## parallel (Aug 18, 2009)

I treat women as 'people', I just don't know how to go about gaining rapport. I figure my biggest problem is breaking the ice; once its obvious the girl is comfortable with me I'm typically at ease or rather close to it.


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## thehigher (Apr 20, 2009)

lateralus said:


> I treat women as 'people', I just don't know how to go about gaining rapport. I figure my biggest problem is breaking the ice; once its obvious the girl is comfortable with me I'm typically at ease or rather close to it.


haha sorry I didn't realize I said that.


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## LeelooDallas (Sep 15, 2009)

to get people to feel comfortable around you, you need to first be comfortable with yourself. 

Don't spend too much time thinking about it before you go up to a girl. If you need to, have a list of good ice breaking questions that are funny, smart and will give you an idea if she's interested in speaking to you. Taking more than like 30 seconds means you're probably spending too much time psyching yourself out ..

An excellent ice breakers is something related to a shared interest or experience. Most girls are used to being hit on and we tend to sometimes put up a wall when in public. So anything that comes off as 100% pick up is a good way to get ignored. "I think you're really hot can I have your number?" is probably not going to get results. One of the best ways I've been approached is by my current boyfriend. We were both at a grocery store and he asked me how I was planning on cooking some seafood in my cart. This led to a cool conversation which led to a number exchange :laughing:


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## parallel (Aug 18, 2009)

Besides having somewhat of a difficulty maintaining who I am around most people and not resorting to a superficially diluted offshoot of myself like I typically do, I have ideas similar to that icebreaker you mentioned in the grocery store...but I don't currently have the balls to carry them out xD. Any suggestions for bypassing the over-analytical restraining mental dialogue? :laughing:


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## LeelooDallas (Sep 15, 2009)

lateralus said:


> Besides having somewhat of a difficulty maintaining who I am around most people and not resorting to a superficially diluted offshoot of myself like I typically do, I have ideas similar to that icebreaker you mentioned in the grocery store...but I don't currently have the balls to carry them out xD. Any suggestions for bypassing the over-analytical restraining mental dialogue? :laughing:


Just do it ... Keep in mind the issue isn't whether or not you crash or burn, it's how you handle it when you screw up an approach. For instance one time I was eye flirting with a really hot guy in a bar and in the middle I fell off the bar stool because my heel got caught on one of the rungs. I fell spectacularly and sent my drinking flying in the air, most of which landed on me! When hot guy came over to give me napkins I could have run screaming from the embarrassment (which is what I wanted to do), but I decided to downplay it and told him that the fall was his fault because of his smile therefore he owed me a beer. 

So if you do make a mistake, acknowledge it like it's no big deal,make a joke of it and move on. This will SCREAM confidence without it turning into arrogance and that's the stuff that can make people feel comfortable around you.

My boyfriend says that grocery stores and cafes are great pick up spots for introverts. At grocery stores you can ask about meal choices and at cafes you can ask someone to join you in a friendly game of connect 4 or uno since most cafes these days seem to have games,at least the non-starbucks cafes.


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## parallel (Aug 18, 2009)

Lol, that must have felt so awfully humiliating. 



> *So if you do make a mistake, acknowledge it like it's no big deal,make a joke of it and move on.* This will SCREAM confidence without it turning into arrogance and that's the stuff that can make people feel comfortable around you.


 That is a really great save I must say; I'm definitely going to keep that in mind.



> *My boyfriend says that grocery stores and cafes are great pick up spots for introverts.* At grocery stores you can ask about meal choices and at cafes you can ask someone to join you in a friendly game of connect 4 or uno since most cafes these days seem to have games,at least the non-starbucks cafes.


 Great ideas, many thanks :happy:.

Instead of over-analyzing an approach, do you think it would be more effective to develop talking to women by instinct? (i.e. think of a general idea and improvise on the fly?)


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## LeelooDallas (Sep 15, 2009)

lateralus said:


> Instead of over-analyzing an approach, do you think it would be more effective to develop talking to women by instinct? (i.e. think of a general idea and improvise on the fly?)


that would be optimal but that's gonna take time to develop because no one is born knowing the art of conversation, so be patient with yourself.

i think as long as you have a general idea of some great conversation topics and you don't take your mistakes too seriously you should be OK. of course that approach might not work on all the women you approach but it's worth a try :happy:


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## Mikbert (Jul 19, 2009)

I can't talk to other people, let alone women, lol...


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## LeelooDallas (Sep 15, 2009)

Mikbert said:


> I can't talk to other people, let alone women, lol...


Women are people, too.We scratch our asses and pick our noses just like manpeople do.


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## Kevinaswell (May 6, 2009)

Really?

I had a good amount of girls liking me in high school (pointlessly....).

I guess I somehow got lucky and went to a school where girls really LOVED to be told that their skirts were so short I could see their pussy lips >.<

I don't think they ever quite realized it wasn't meant as playful banter >.<

Sigh, girls.


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## The Proof (Aug 5, 2009)

see Real Social Dynamics Nation they have a forum and some free material you can use


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## snail (Oct 13, 2008)

Kevinaswell said:


> Really?
> 
> I had a good amount of girls liking me in high school (pointlessly....).
> 
> ...


Yeah, but you're gay. Gay guys tend to have several advantages:

1. They are not sexually pushy with women, and just seem real instead of desperate
2. They may be able to understand the feminine perspective better, possibly due to shared experiences
3. They are less likely to treat us as objects, or to consider our sexual attractiveness the primary indicator of our worth

Oh, and this is a joke I found online while researching the topic. It explains why I found a nerd. lol


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## Mikbert (Jul 19, 2009)

Thanks Thracius, it's appreciated :happy: But I probably wont read much of it seeing as I don't interact much with other people.


EDIT: So NERD is a bad thing??


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## LeelooDallas (Sep 15, 2009)

snail said:


>


hahahahaha. this explains the rarity of the Hot Nerdy Boy or even more rare handsome, smart nice boy :laughing:


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## Ungweliante (Feb 26, 2009)

snail said:


>


*****THREAD NECROMANCY*****​ 
...had to do it, the chart is superb :laughing:


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