# Avoiding Gaslighting (directed to mentally ill)



## FlightsOfFancy (Dec 30, 2012)

*Disclaimer: *Gaslighting is a huge problem, especially for those with low self-esteem and the mentally ill, alike. While my note will be directed at those with mental illnesses, some of which I will mention will be applicable to cases outside of DSM scope. It is also important to note that I am not a doctor, and while I do have personal experience, I cannot evaluate you on a case-by-case basis, which is what is ultimately needed to distinguish gas-lighting from actual illness-related delusion.

*First and foremost: What is Gaslighting?*


> *Gaslighting is a form of mental abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making a victim doubt his or her own memory,perception and sanity.[SUP][1][/SUP] Instances may range simply from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, up to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.*


*Why/How does this happen? *It happens due to the debasing nature that exists both within the victim and that of the perpetrator's will. On both ends exist the acknowledgement of an instability; the perpetrator and victim acknowledge the illness and its social ramifications--the difference being that one uses it for exploitation. It is a method of mind control, and it works very well because of the stigma of illness and the DSM qualifications of some illnesses.

*Can you give us an example? *While I will eschew personal details and anecdotes as gaslighting is BROAD, I will give you examples of how the fuel for gaslighting is perpetuated:

*Example #1: *Black-and-white references to those with a diagnosis BY MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS.

For this example, I will use borderline personality disorder because it is known to have elements of "black-and-white" thinking. I think it's quite ironic how black-and-white professionals paint those with this diagnosis. Note, also, they are also young celebrity psychologists (those without many years of experience) who take center stage with their youth, beauty, and intellectual bravado:

Here is Jody Arais' DeMarte diagnosing her with Borderline Personality Disorder:





Note one MAJOR and ALARMING omission/misconception here: Jodi's lack of remorse (smiling for the camera after a murder etc.) This is actually NOT in the DSM for BPD; it is however for APD (antisocial personality disorder). 

To quote an established psychologist/academic professional with 20+ years of experience (the woman above got her PhD 2 years prior to her involement on the case):


> In* none of her police testimony or her court testimony, is there a sign of remorse *on the part of Jodi Arias. She seems to have no understanding of the gravity of her actions. She has no guilt, in fact her defense is that she is “not” guilty. *The lack of empathy, remorse and guilt is not at all characteristic of BPD but instead is the very core of antisocial personality disorder. -* See more at: Jodi Arias Essays | Mental Health & Criminal Justice


*Example #2: Advice by same psychologists (often young/publicized) AGAINST the individual (popular)
*5 Signs of Borderline Personality Disorder - Audio - Oprah.com

[You don't even have to do anything, and they will be completely angry at you]

Oh really? What does this do? All it does it give licence to invalidate a BPD sufferer, many of whom enter relationships WITH toxic people to begin with. Let us not forget that even the most disturbed of people are never completely victims or perpetrators. 

*Tips to Avoid Gaslighting:

1) Develop a stronger sense of self with a psychologist.*
This is essential; if your sense of self is too diffuse, it is hard to ever find grounding. Since you really don't "exist" as a self, people can easily impregnate a self into your psyche, and you will be more accepting of it. This is the least direct of all my tips, but it is essential for long-term achievement.
*2) Avoid entrapping language, at all costs:
*"Did you take your meds?" is not pertinent to the task at hand, for example, especially when it's out of the blue.
"Are you PMSing?" is not pertinent.
"Did somebody do something to you?" 
You should notice a key facet in all entrapping language: it is made to shift blame totally on your side, ignoring the current situation. It places everything on your disorder. Once you agree to one of these, you have essentially already smoldered in the ashes. 

A simple "that has nothing to do with it; this is the reason that I am upset" or a *VERY CALM* reply is in order. Remember, even if you ARE feeling angry, this is the Miranda Rights of gaslighting--anything you say or do can and will be used against you.

3) *Keep a good social network of those who know your disorder personally and KNOW YOU as well.
*This can even be online, for the more introverted among us. The importance of this step cannot be underestimated. It is probably the most important. 

You have to remember that low self-esteem and mental illness does alter your perception. You will grow to learn to navigate these waters as you have more experience, yet an outside source(s) without disorder can provide sober mediation. This person will help you see if things are indeed something of your doing or a combination, etc.

4)*Avoid strong relationships with those with other strong mental disorders.*
This will get confusing, very quickly. It is no longer clear who is misinterpreting what. Too many parties are involved. This is a personal caveat.

5) *Avoid people who label quickly.
*If you're with a friend who seems to label everyone, the chances of you eventually being labeled are high. This person is looking to fit everyone into some textbook pathology so that they can easily invalidate them. This is most likely a gaslighter. 

I have a sister like this; despite her mutliple failed relationships, firing from jobs due to her behvarior, she will continue to ask me to help her evaluate said person, to which I answer: I can't tell you because I wasn't there. 

6)* Never admit to being under the influence of an episode in your illness unless you are SURE it impacted the happenings.

*This is basically gaslighting yourself. You have basically said, "Whatever you did is permissible because my perception is marred". 

This may be the case, and you should consult your network for further analysis.

7) *Do not disclose your mental disorder in sensitive situations.*

By this, I mean employment/school. Many of these institutions have methods in which a person does not have to reveal the nature of said disability. 

I hesitate on this one because academics are supposed to be more open-minded than the average joe, as well as those within IT and other positions of the intellectually-curious. 

However, as with the Miranda rights...

8) *Don't be afraid to leave triggering situations.

* Learn your boundaries; the fact of the matter is you are biologically predisposed to a slight inability to process emotional cues in a fashion in which others may. Before the gas arrives, remove yourself, especially if it is in your power to leave.

9)* Don't use your disorder manipulatively.

*Most people aren't gaslighters, nor do they want to be such. However, people are retaliatory. If you manipulate them, they will have a higher chance of doing it to you. Making your illness and struggles available to others allows for closer bonds and friendships, yet overbearingly expecting special treatment and time will leave the person ready to get the gas and incinerate. 

10) *Read Read Read.
*Never accept pop science at face value. At very least, you should be reading articles that are subject to heavy peer-review or reading multiple accounts. Get the DSM on pdf, for example. The more you know about the facts of your disorder, the less likely you are to be gaslighted.


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## Thalassa (Jun 10, 2010)

I agree with this. Other than not getting involved with other people who also have mental illness or disorders. Many times people "relate better" to other people who have similar problems.

It's actually worse I think to be involved with someone who is mentally ill who is undiagnosed as having an illness or disorder, who pre-supposes themself as "normal" and the mentally ill person believing, for example, that narcissistic or abusive behavior must be normative.


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## dragthewaters (Feb 9, 2013)

unpopular opinion:

Avoid "mental health professionals" at all costs, and especially mental hospitals. Gaslighting is a major tactic that psychologists use to make you doubt your sanity and identity. They use it to effectively break you down so that they can then get you to listen when they tell you how to act, what pills to take, etc. Even regular doctors often do this if you bring up a mental health concern. If you find yourself in a clinical relationship with this kind of person, get out while you can. If you can't get out (ie. if you're involuntarily hospitalized) do not back down! Let them know that you're onto them. Try to point out their tactics to the other patients in the hospital too. Eventually they will decide that you're too much of a liability and release you.

I disagree with not befriending people with other mental disorders. Personality disorders, yes, but if you have depression/anxiety/etc. often other people with those illnesses can share your perspective and understand where you're coming from if you're upset about being discriminated against due to your disorder.


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## FlightsOfFancy (Dec 30, 2012)

thismustbetheplace said:


> unpopular opinion:
> 
> Avoid "mental health professionals" at all costs, and especially mental hospitals. Gaslighting is a major tactic that psychologists use to make you doubt your sanity and identity. They use it to effectively break you down so that they can then get you to listen when they tell you how to act, what pills to take, etc. Even regular doctors often do this if you bring up a mental health concern. If you find yourself in a clinical relationship with this kind of person, get out while you can. If you can't get out (ie. if you're involuntarily hospitalized) do not back down! Let them know that you're onto them. Try to point out their tactics to the other patients in the hospital too. Eventually they will decide that you're too much of a liability and release you.
> 
> I disagree with not befriending people with other mental disorders. Personality disorders, yes, but if you have depression/anxiety/etc. often other people with those illnesses can share your perspective and understand where you're coming from if you're upset about being discriminated against due to your disorder.





> Avoid "mental health professionals" at all costs, and especially mental hospitals. Gaslighting is a major tactic that psychologists use to make you doubt your sanity and identity.


Not all. In fact, most GOOD psychs don't. Remember, psychology doesn't pay as much as some other professions, even though it takes the same amount of money. Their theses tend to have to be very, very good to get a PhD because the ADA wants to avoid these cases. Let us also not forget that a many of psychologists have illnesses themselves (i.e. Dr. Marsha Linehan, who developed DBT for borderline PD recently "came out" as a borderline herself--she even remembers being the "worst" in the hospital).



> I disagree with not befriending people* with other mental disorders*.* Personality disorders, yes, *but if you have depression/anxiety/etc. often other people with those illnesses can share your perspective and understand where you're coming from if you're upset about being discriminated against due to your disorder.


See how insidious pop-sci can be? For example, a personality disorder takes 5 of 9 traits, so you can assume rather safely that: 9*8*7*6*5 or 15,120 combinations of each personality disorder exist. I bet when I mention antisocial, you thin Charles Manson and Ted Bundy, when the majority of them exist and have jobs without that impulsivity--as impulse control is only 1 of the traits in the DSM. And again, Marsha Linehan is a therapist that's highly regarded.

Personal anecdote: I cannot tell you how many people say they "didn't think I was borderline" because they expect me to act like:




I'm actually hyper avoidant; in fact, in this situation, I would've just left and been like fuck em'. I also doubt there would've been a dangerous, banging minor chord to accentuate my every move. I don't think BPD comes with music.

Bipolars, paranoid schizophrenics, and others can be just as temperamental under stress. In fact, most Borderlines will get a diagnosis of "rapid cycling bipolar," since the two are very similar. 

And I never said not to be friends; I said avoid developing strong relationships. As much as they may be friends, two blind men cannot cross a bridge safely.The only compromise I will concede is: IF one party has their illness under control, then it's fine. Analogously, one blind man has developed their other senses to cross the bridge.


P.S. sorry for the late reply. Try quoting me, as if I don't receive a quote, I assume people to just be reading and leaving.


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## mushr00m (May 23, 2011)

I respectfully disagree with @_thismustbetheplace_ about all mental health institutions are corrupt at least in the way described. I mean, it's not moral to leave those with mental health conditions with nowhere to turn. And why are all personality disorders more avoidable than mental health conditions like Bipolar or Schizophrenia. In my experience with depression, yes I have bad experiences with services but im not saying it is all bad. The help I have recieved has been more than beneficial to my quality of life. Mind you, I don't know much about services in the states, I live in the UK not sure if this has much bearing. It is quite a proactive country for health services, we have the NHS, not always been the best but it's pretty good. If anything though, doctors/general practitioners have been less sympathetic with this kind of thing, they are often sqeezed for time to give proper care to those who are suffering with a M.H condition, as a result they quite easily hand out pills as a subsitute for quality patient/doctor time and for other different reasons.


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