# Tearing people down as a hobby.



## 480 (Jan 22, 2009)

Some folks do it. Perhaps they cannot stand the thought of something bigger than themselves... instead of admiration, they harbor resentment. People do it to their heroes all the time. Sing their praises and emulate them one minute, then discover they have a flaw and tear them down the next.

I dont think the flaws are a surprise. Or even really that much of a disappointment. I think it's a ladder of sorts for small people to climb... the mentality of which is a sub-conscious placing of yourself under the other as being inferior. Once there you emulate that person, because they have traits you wish you had. Once emulated--traits "developed", you have no further need for the person so you gasp in surprise that they're not perfect. But the crucial thing is... it has to be a flaw you don't have. Or... one you pretend not to possess. That way you can elevate yourself above them. "Well, at least I dont do that." If one is not present, projection is always an option. Or, "well you did it too, but shouldn't because you're supposed to be better than me, a 'higher standard'... so it's worse that you did it, and because it's worse that you did it, I'm better than you now."

I've seen that if emulating that person is not completely possible the mentality is that the traits you can't have become corrupt. 

I believe this all stems from a fear of being yourself. Not good enough, strong enough, fast enough, etc. So you try climbing out of your personal pit on the ashes of others. The problem is you created your own pit, not the people around you. You did it by being small in your own mind. Tearing other people down doesnt elevate you. It will never fix what ails you. It will never calm your mind, or dispell your doubts. It will never truly change how you see yourself. Tearing someone else down will never change the way you think... and that is where you need to start. Otherwise, one by one you'll alienate all those you call friends, as they grow wise to who and what you are... and distance themselves from you because they don't want to be your next victim. It is a slave mentality, and to hold tightly to it is to doom yourself to a life alone.


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## sheepsclothing (Feb 2, 2010)

Grim said:


> Some folks do it. Perhaps they cannot stand the thought of something bigger than themselves... instead of admiration, they harbor resentment. People do it to their heroes all the time. Sing their praises and emulate them one minute, then discover they have a flaw and tear them down the next.
> 
> I dont think the flaws are a surprise. Or even really that much of a disappointment. I think it's a ladder of sorts for small people to climb... the mentality of which is a sub-conscious placing of yourself under the other as being inferior. Once there you emulate that person, because they have traits you wish you had. Once emulated--traits "developed", you have no further need for the person so you gasp in surprise that they're not perfect. But the crucial thing is... it has to be a flaw you don't have. Or... one you pretend not to possess. That way you can elevate yourself above them. "Well, at least I dont do that." If one is not present, projection is always an option. Or, "well you did it too, but shouldn't because you're supposed to be better than me, a 'higher standard'... so it's worse that you did it, and because it's worse that you did it, I'm better than you now."
> 
> ...


This is quite a hobby. Once people get started on it, they often turn it into a pastime. It is quite devastating since one never knows the true circumstances of the recipient. We spend a lot of time looking for greener grass and when it is not to be had, we reach a decision point: do we turn to soup grapes or do we move on? Ahh, not so easy.


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## Nearsification (Jan 3, 2010)

Well if you do that then you must be very insecure. Most of people like that i know have to be in complete power and they do it by fear.


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## Siggy (May 25, 2009)

The insecurity is a waste of energy. Instead of doing things to better themselves they put the energy into putting people down. I think also its a defense mechanism, not wanting to admit their vunerablity. Tearing people down so they dont get close.


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## Litchi (Dec 2, 2009)

I am passing the same situation. Lastly I stopped to talking with that type of people


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## KaylRyck (Feb 2, 2010)

Visit Australia...it isn't just a hobby. Its more like the crux of the culture. 

I think it keeps the heads from floating too far into the clouds, but of course, it does tend to keep one's feet stuck a bit solidly to the ground.


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## pinkrasputin (Apr 13, 2009)

"...fast enough.." Whachu talkin' bout Willis? :shocked:

Anyway, I really don't understand tearing down others as a "sport". I really am not around people that do that either. This is just gross to me. If people do that to others I assume they do that to me. 

When I am around it it is usually when I have a chance to influence them in their thinking. I am very lucky that I am in a position where I get to mentor once "shallow divas" aka "insecure, jealous, and threatened." I can turn their focus around and make them concentrate on themselves. But it does wear on me. Sometimes it makes me sick if they try to tear down others so much it makes me want to kick them out of my studio. But I breathe and try to refocus. But it does feel like I have to bathe afterwards when someone does that. When people trash talk others, it only shows me that THEY are insecure.

And even when I partake in this kind of activity ie "my ex is a bastard", I KNOW I am being insecure. I really try to cleanse myself as soon as possible. As a general rule I do not feel threatened by anybody. I am genuinely happy for other's people successes. This is just because I know how happy I feel when I have a success.

Also, no one really knows where someone else is going to go in life. The hand that you bite off now might be the hand you needed to pull you up later.


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## Vanguard (Dec 22, 2009)

Fun fact: the things you write about tend to be the things you focus on Grim. You seem to be very preoccupied with this notion of 'tearing people down'. Notice how and what you attribute it to "I believe this all stems from a fear of being yourself". The best bit about this though is the constant reference to the 2nd person "you", causing you to distance yourself from being someone who tears others down. The reality is however, you are telling this to yourself, not anyone else here.


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## cardinalfire (Dec 10, 2009)

Vanguard said:


> Fun fact: the things you write about tend to be the things you focus on Grim. You seem to be very preoccupied with this notion of 'tearing people down'. Notice how and what you attribute it to "I believe this all stems from a fear of being yourself". The best bit about this though is the constant reference to the 2nd person "you", causing you to distance yourself from being someone who tears others down. The reality is however, you are telling this to yourself, not anyone else here.


There is something in what Vanguard is saying. The fact that you are talking about this shows that it is affecting you, or at least something on your mind. I recently started a thread asking about the signs of insecurity, I have been told that I am a very secure person and I always like to make sure I'm the best self that I can be, and I didn't want to see myself slipping. 

Things only matter to us, if we let them, things are only a bother to us, if we let them. So if you are overly concerned about what people do to 'tear others down', then maybe ask yourself why this bothers you. Just complaining about the fact it is there will just increase your suffering more, because you can't control what people say or do about other people, even if they are tearing others down. So rather than taking a sword to this, it may work better if you put up a stronger shield.

I'm by no means perfect, though I tend to let people say what they want and while I make judgements and assessments on their character, I tend to live and let live and not worry too much. If it does affect me, then that's a character flaw of myself I have to work on and for every time I spot something in someone else I don't like, I can sit down and come up with more about me that needs work. 

Conversely, if I attempt to be objective about this, tearing people down is surely just an immature way of dealing with others, and most likely results from a jealous emotion. Perhaps the person doing the 'tearing down' perceives the other person to have a quality that they wish they had. In this case it is merely a boundary hole and rather than taking responsibility for this quality, they project it onto others, and then hence get jealous lol. I find that amusing because a lot of what jealousy results from has nothing to do with the person over whom the jealousy or envy is directed towards, it only needs to be addressed in the person who it originates from. Or in this case the person who is doing the 'tearing down'.


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## 480 (Jan 22, 2009)

Vanguard said:


> Fun fact: the things you write about tend to be the things you focus on Grim. You seem to be very preoccupied with this notion of 'tearing people down'. Notice how and what you attribute it to "I believe this all stems from a fear of being yourself". The best bit about this though is the constant reference to the 2nd person "you", causing you to distance yourself from being someone who tears others down. The reality is however, you are telling this to yourself, not anyone else here.


This made me laugh. If some random guy on the internet questioning your personality typing causes you so much heartache that this is how you respond, perhaps you should find some new interests.


Vanguard, you can be whatever personality type you wish. You have my permission.


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## Kalifornia310 (Jan 7, 2010)

I feel like I do this but my thoughts are never structured so I cant pin point incidents. But I might do this. ekkk. Do people know they do this, or is it a sub-conscious thing?


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## 480 (Jan 22, 2009)

cardinalfire said:


> There is something in what Vanguard is saying. The fact that you are talking about this shows that it is affecting you, or at least something on your mind. I recently started a thread asking about the signs of insecurity, I have been told that I am a very secure person and I always like to make sure I'm the best self that I can be, and I didn't want to see myself slipping.
> 
> Things only matter to us, if we let them, things are only a bother to us, if we let them. So if you are overly concerned about what people do to 'tear others down', then maybe ask yourself why this bothers you. Just complaining about the fact it is there will just increase your suffering more, because you can't control what people say or do about other people, even if they are tearing others down. So rather than taking a sword to this, it may work better if you put up a stronger shield.
> 
> ...


In my first post I examined some of the possible reasons for doing it. The impact the process has on the person doing it was also something I was kicking around mentally. That part in your last paragraph there has something I've been considering in a different direction. If a person wishes to be like someone else and attempts to emulate them, identifying with qualities they possess, and then subsequently tear them down... how much damage does that do to the person doing the tearing? I am like X. X is now worthless. I wonder how much damage that does, and if it serves to deepen those feelings of inferiority which in turn deepens resentment for "sour grapes", ultimately leading to a stronger psychological need to perpetuate the cycle.


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## 480 (Jan 22, 2009)

Kalifornia310 said:


> I feel like I do this but my thoughts are never structured so I cant pin point incidents. But I might do this. ekkk. Do people know they do this, or is it a sub-conscious thing?


I think people that do it, know they are doing it. I think perhaps the reasons for doing so are lost to them. It involves so many things about the core of who they are, some of which might not be pretty, that maybe they wont want to see the reasons for it. It becomes justified with excuses, etc.

I applaud you for making this post, that took some courage. Read over it and see if anything said rings true with you. Share your thoughts on it, and how it may or may not apply to you. Also feel free to talk about what you don't relate to.

I'm going out of town for two weeks, but I look forward to chatting with you when I return.


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## Kalifornia310 (Jan 7, 2010)

Grim said:


> I think people that do it, know they are doing it. I think perhaps the reasons for doing so are lost to them. It involves so many things about the core of who they are, some of which might not be pretty, that maybe they wont want to see the reasons for it. It becomes justified with excuses, etc.
> 
> I applaud you for making this post, that took some courage. Read over it and see if anything said rings true with you. Share your thoughts on it, and how it may or may not apply to you. Also feel free to talk about what you don't relate to.
> 
> I'm going out of town for two weeks, but I look forward to chatting with you when I return.


Well Thankfully I did some thinking after i posted the last one. damn me and my impulsiveness. and Gladly I do not do this. yay! I was scared I had this feeling that I might be this way.. just a feeling.. but that might stem from always trying to understand by putting myself in other peoples situations to try and experience what is said internally. but after some reflection im glad to say no i do not do this. I do have a closet full of other flaws that i am ashamed of. 
and thats why I joined this site, to fix myself and become a better person. 
I do understand alot of what is said on this thread! why? because a fellow manager at the restaurant i work at is exactly like this! I mean all she does is put people down! and it seems like she likes it too. NO ONE enjoys her company because she is very cruel. I would go into detail on her wrongdoings but it would just raise my anger levels. lets just say that she is the ONLY person in my life that I do not like. :sad:


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## Vanguard (Dec 22, 2009)

Grim said:


> This made me laugh. If some random guy on the internet questioning your personality typing causes you so much heartache that this is how you respond, perhaps you should find some new interests.
> 
> 
> Vanguard, you can be whatever personality type you wish. You have my permission.


Grim, this has nothing to do with what enneagram type you think I am. As you said, you're some random guy on the internet, I couldn't care less what your opinion of me is. Its the way you talk about the enneagram, that's what pisses me off. You're misguided about it, and you act like you know it well, when you don't. You also have a habit of projecting your own problems/issues onto others, as you seem to be doing here as well. I simply pointed that out.


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## nikkii (Feb 3, 2010)

Grim said:


> Some folks do it. Perhaps they cannot stand the thought of something bigger than themselves... instead of admiration, they harbor resentment. People do it to their heroes all the time. Sing their praises and emulate them one minute, then discover they have a flaw and tear them down the next.
> 
> I dont think the flaws are a surprise. Or even really that much of a disappointment. I think it's a ladder of sorts for small people to climb... the mentality of which is a sub-conscious placing of yourself under the other as being inferior. Once there you emulate that person, because they have traits you wish you had. Once emulated--traits "developed", you have no further need for the person so you gasp in surprise that they're not perfect. But the crucial thing is... it has to be a flaw you don't have. Or... one you pretend not to possess. That way you can elevate yourself above them. "Well, at least I dont do that." If one is not present, projection is always an option. Or, "well you did it too, but shouldn't because you're supposed to be better than me, a 'higher standard'... so it's worse that you did it, and because it's worse that you did it, I'm better than you now."
> 
> ...


 
So true and this happens all the time - I dont tolerate it tho If someone is putting them down weather its a stranger or my friend I will defened. My froster brother does it so much that were he get his self estem if he wasnt such in ass I would pity him :dry:


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## cardinalfire (Dec 10, 2009)

Grim said:


> In my first post I examined some of the possible reasons for doing it. The impact the process has on the person doing it was also something I was kicking around mentally. That part in your last paragraph there has something I've been considering in a different direction. If a person wishes to be like someone else and attempts to emulate them, identifying with qualities they possess, and then subsequently tear them down... how much damage does that do to the person doing the tearing? I am like X. X is now worthless. I wonder how much damage that does, and if it serves to deepen those feelings of inferiority which in turn deepens resentment for "sour grapes", ultimately leading to a stronger psychological need to perpetuate the cycle.


So if person X does the tearing down, and person Z is the one who is being 'torn down', then when person Z begins to feel worthless, person X then feels more worthless and the cycle repeats itself?

I don't think so. I still believe it is more about person X then any other person, person Z can't affect the way that person X feels. Person X's feelings are their responsibility only. Person X would have huge boundary holes if they kept doing it.


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## Tongue Tied (Jan 27, 2010)

I think I do this to an extent because I really find it annoying when people are put on unrealistic pedestals. It just seems ingenuous and fake. I guess it's my obsession w/ genuine-ness that causes the urge. Another thing is I think people just feel intimidated by others that seem "perfect" and then when a flaw's discovered, it makes the person seem more human and more relatable to.


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## 480 (Jan 22, 2009)

cardinalfire said:


> So if person X does the tearing down, and person Z is the one who is being 'torn down', then when person Z begins to feel worthless, person X then feels more worthless and the cycle repeats itself?
> 
> I don't think so. I still believe it is more about person X then any other person, person Z can't affect the way that person X feels. Person X's feelings are their responsibility only. Person X would have huge boundary holes if they kept doing it.


No, not quite on the X, Z thing. How Z feels has nothing to do with it. It doesn't matter if Z is not even effected by X's actions. It's all in the mind of X. Emulation then [attempted] destruction. X builds a person up in his mind, attaches some of his own identity to that person, then in his mind; tears the person down.

I suspect that causes some damage to person's X mentality that deepens the subconscious feelings of inferiority which cause X a greater need to do it again. It's eating food that has no calories of nutrition. They starve for a sense of self-worth and feed it junk. 

There were probably boundary issues all along.


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## Kevinaswell (May 6, 2009)

I looooooovveeeee to talk shit.

I come from a big family of shit talkers. I'm probably the most respectable of them, so don't hold it against me. 

But shit talking is in my blood. And I have a SUPER great time with it.

Just walking down the street, busting out some shit talk about a stranger that looks all crazy or something. Whatever. I look retarded enough everyday I'm sure people are shit talking me, it's just fun to do. I'd laugh if I heard them.

It's almost therapeutic, in a way. I think it's a really good thing to feel equally as comfortable expressing negative and positive opinions of things that are encountered in life. 

One of my favorite things to talk shit about are stupid ideas that become popular, and thus also I like to talk shit about the creator of those ideas (ipad is really fun ). I think this is an important thing that I wish would be exercised more openly from more people, because I don't really see how it could do any harm overall. 

Some shit just NEEDS to be talked shit about. We are all guilty of these things. And they are much better dealt with as jokes than as anything simply swept under the rug.


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## pinkrasputin (Apr 13, 2009)

I know people have said something like this earlier but I wish to say this anyway. I am going to put it in collective "you" form. 

Tearing down others only feeds your own insecurities. Focusing on others by comparing yourself to them and not on yourself encourages jealousy to chew on your heart. Spend the effort instead at looking within and reflecting on yourself. 

Tearing down others publicly contaminates a group until everyone is suffering from the disease. Those who choose to rise above it take heart. I didn't notice this need to "tear down" at first as I tend to see the best in everyone. Now I'm starting to feel like I need an oxygen mask.

In addition, allow others to feel good about themselves. This is when they become healthy. When people become healthy they tend to treat you and others with respect. Other's accomplishments steal nothing from your own. Your accomplishments are yours to keep. We are all on our own paths,* don't compare.*

It's true, over-inflated egos are just a mask for a person's insecurities. But if you are secure within yourself other's egos shouldn't bother you period.


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## 480 (Jan 22, 2009)

pinkrasputin said:


> I know people have said something like this earlier but I wish to say this anyway. I am going to put it in collective "you" form.
> 
> Tearing down others only feeds your own insecurities. Focusing on others by comparing yourself to them and not on yourself encourages jealousy to chew on your heart. Spend the effort instead at looking within and reflecting on yourself.
> 
> ...



I liked this... and I wanted to add a bit more about the part on the end.

The ego works in conjunction with a person's capabilities and sense of accomplishment. The ego spurs people towards accomplishments that are commiserate with their skills/knowledge. It also protects the psyche in the event of failure. 

If the ego is too underdeveloped; it leaves you exposed to being crushed by even the smallest mistakes... and does not motivate you to fully realize your potential.

If the ego is inflated; it exposes you to the possibility of biting off more than you can chew... which at times can be damaging or even fatal. It also will cause you to shrug off mistakes that perhaps should be learned from.

An ego the matches up with the capabilities/accomplishments of the person is healthy--_regardless of the size._

This ties into the thread topic because instead of comparing and feeling inferior, or even trying to judge a person's ego at all... develop yourself and capabilities. Strive for your own impressive accomplishments. Standing in a person's shadow, whether it be to sing their praises or look for a place to plant the dagger, prevents you becoming self-actualized. 

If you stop and think about it... calling someone else arrogant because of their ego means that you've deemed yourself a better judge of that person's capabilities and the value of their accomplishments than they themselves are. It means that you feel you have the right to decide how proud they should be of the things they've done. It also implies that you know everything about that person. And, typically those who complain about the egos of others only do so if that person seems to have one bigger than the person complaining. As if the person complaining has the perfect sized ego. I can think of nothing more small-minded, and arrogant.


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## BehindSmile (Feb 4, 2009)

_I'm a very critical person. It's the quality I despise most in myself. It tends to be when I get to know someone very well (like friends and family). I'm very hard on them. I am not to their face, but I get annoyed easily and point out their flaws/shortcomings to whoever will listen. I know it makes me feel better when I do, because in my mind, I like to know that these people aren't perfect...it makes me feel better about all MY shortcomings that I have. But I've become a lot more aware of it now. Recently, actually. I have gone through friends my entire life, and when I'd start noticing their flaws, I'd slowly ween away from them and find new friends. I don't want to be like that anymore, and I certainly don't want to be critical of others anymore. If I let it develop, I will be like my mother, and she's critical and negative and downright rude and doesn't even realize it. I can't let it get to that point. _


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## WickedQueen (Jun 1, 2009)

Grim said:


> Some folks do it. Perhaps they cannot stand the thought of something bigger than themselves... instead of admiration, they harbor resentment. People do it to their heroes all the time. Sing their praises and emulate them one minute, then discover they have a flaw and tear them down the next.
> 
> I dont think the flaws are a surprise. Or even really that much of a disappointment. I think it's a ladder of sorts for small people to climb... the mentality of which is a sub-conscious placing of yourself under the other as being inferior. Once there you emulate that person, because they have traits you wish you had. Once emulated--traits "developed", you have no further need for the person so you gasp in surprise that they're not perfect. But the crucial thing is... it has to be a flaw you don't have. Or... one you pretend not to possess. That way you can elevate yourself above them. "Well, at least I dont do that." If one is not present, projection is always an option. Or, "well you did it too, but shouldn't because you're supposed to be better than me, a 'higher standard'... so it's worse that you did it, and because it's worse that you did it, I'm better than you now."
> 
> ...


It's funny that the one who wrote this, do the exact behavior plenty of times, at least that's from what I've read in his posts.

Too bad I have no time to read all his posts back and collecting each evidents.


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## Vanguard (Dec 22, 2009)

WickedQueen said:


> It's funny that the one who wrote this, do the exact behavior plenty of times, at least that's from what I've read in his posts.
> 
> Too bad I have no time to read all his posts back and collecting each evidents.


Looks like I'm not the only one who noticed this.


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## WickedQueen (Jun 1, 2009)

Vanguard said:


> Looks like I'm not the only one who noticed this.


Lets just say I HATE hypocrisy, in any form.


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## justinhammar (Oct 23, 2009)

It's my hobby to tear down people. What does that make me?


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## 480 (Jan 22, 2009)

justinhammar said:


> It's my hobby to tear down people. What does that make me?


What do you think it makes you?


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## screamofconscious (Oct 15, 2009)

I was 13 years old, walking up the staircase at school and I saw a guy twice my size standing about an inch away from a cowering girl. His fists were at his side and he had his chest puffed out while he looked down his nose at her. I walked up to him and told him to pick on somebody his own size. He turned and looked at me with a smirk on his face and I told him that if planned on hitting her he'd better be prepared for all the guys walking by in the hallway to jump him. He walked away and I had myself a new best friend. I don't think she ever realized that I was just as scared as she was...on second thought, I was as scared as he was...and I was tired of it, so when I saw him doing what he does, I tore him down. I think I got him to about the right size though.


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## pinkrasputin (Apr 13, 2009)

screamofconscious said:


> I was 13 years old, walking up the staircase at school and I saw a guy twice my size standing about an inch away from a cowering girl. His fists were at his side and he had his chest puffed out while he looked down his nose at her. I walked up to him and told him to pick on somebody his own size. He turned and looked at me with a smirk on his face and I told him that if planned on hitting her he'd better be prepared for all the guys walking by in the hallway to jump him. He walked away and I had myself a new best friend. I don't think she ever realized that I was just as scared as she was...on second thought, I was as scared as he was...and I was tired of it, so when I saw him doing what he does, I tore him down. I think I got him to about the right size though.


This brought a tear to my eye. I bet the same little girl would have done the same for you had she seen you in the same situation. It's amazing where some of us get our strength from.


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## Vanguard (Dec 22, 2009)

screamofconscious said:


> I was 13 years old, walking up the staircase at school and I saw a guy twice my size standing about an inch away from a cowering girl. His fists were at his side and he had his chest puffed out while he looked down his nose at her. I walked up to him and told him to pick on somebody his own size. He turned and looked at me with a smirk on his face and I told him that if planned on hitting her he'd better be prepared for all the guys walking by in the hallway to jump him. He walked away and I had myself a new best friend. I don't think she ever realized that I was just as scared as she was...on second thought, I was as scared as he was...and I was tired of it, so when I saw him doing what he does, I tore him down. I think I got him to about the right size though.


This is an example of the correct way of tearing someone down. The insecure one in this case is the bully picking on the 13 year old girl, so what you did was the right thing. It disgusts me when people pick on those smaller and weaker than them.


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## screamofconscious (Oct 15, 2009)

Vanguard said:


> This is an example of the correct way of tearing someone down. The insecure one in this case is the bully picking on the 13 year old girl, so what you did was the right thing. It disgusts me when people pick on those smaller and weaker than them.


This was an example of why, not how one might tear a person down. You relate perfectly to my conscious reasoning at the time though.


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## MNiS (Jan 30, 2010)

Vanguard said:


> This is an example of the correct way of tearing someone down. The insecure one in this case is the bully picking on the 13 year old girl, so what you did was the right thing. It disgusts me when people pick on those smaller and weaker than them.


I disagree, "tearing someone down" within the context of this thread is it's an obvious pejorative term and not a good deed. Tearing someone down to project an innocent 13 year old girl is different than tearing someone down for the sheer enjoyment of obtaining a false sense of superiority.



WickedQueen said:


> It's funny that the one who wrote this, do the exact behavior plenty of times, at least that's from what I've read in his posts.
> 
> Too bad I have no time to read all his posts back and collecting each evidents.





Vanguard said:


> Looks like I'm not the only one who noticed this.


Well, I have the time (I'm bored and all of my video games are old) and I couldn't find evidence for any of your accusations.


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## 480 (Jan 22, 2009)

MisterNi said:


> Well, I have the time (I'm bored and all of my video games are old) and I couldn't find evidence for any of your accusations.


You looked over my 1600+ posts?

Any reason beyond boredom?


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## WickedQueen (Jun 1, 2009)

MisterNi said:


> Well, I have the time (I'm bored and all of my video games are old) and I couldn't find evidence for any of your accusations.


LOL. You can't fool me. I'm not that stupid. I know what you're trying to do.


.


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