# Did I just scare him off?



## Scoobyscoob (Sep 4, 2016)

Explain the situation and how stressed out you are, even when watching TV with him due to your financial situation and if you want him back then yeah, work for it because he's not just going to want to try again unless you make amends first.


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## Coonsy (Dec 22, 2010)

Well, he's still talking to me and still planning on getting together this weekend, so maybe didn't completely terrify him...although he hasn't asked anything about the situation, but that's not really a "during the workday" conversation either way.

At the time I apologized for the meltdown, and the following morning apologized again quickly explaining why it just hit me (the completely unexpected nature of the news). He wasn't making a deal of it, so I don't really want to keep bringing it up at this point.


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## Antiparticle (Jan 8, 2013)

Coonsy said:


> Well, he's still talking to me and still planning on getting together this weekend, so maybe didn't completely terrify him...although he hasn't asked anything about the situation, but that's not really a "during the workday" conversation either way.
> 
> At the time I apologized for the meltdown, and the following morning apologized again quickly explaining why it just hit me (the completely unexpected nature of the news). He wasn't making a deal of it, so I don't really want to keep bringing it up at this point.


INFPs are generally good listeners (my mom is INFP and she often gives me advices, I am INFJ).

I think to be able to share your problems/issues is generally a good (positive) thing in relationships, so you should't feel like it is something that has to be hidden.

Open communication is another good thing in relationships, you shouldn't worry that much about your interaction if you think your main problem is your living situation.


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## ENFPathetic (Apr 3, 2018)

Coonsy said:


> Last night had a meltdown in front of my boyfriend (not about him, but in front of him) - tears, some yelling, more tears....normally I'm the calm amidst the storms, and last night, just fell apart.
> 
> Why? I was already feeling "down" yesterday about finances - not like extremely upset, but I was down. Then, that evening when he and I were just watching some TV and I was slowly improving my mood, my roommate (who has been asking about the lease renewal and talking about renting the larger room in the house for more money) sent me notice that she's moving in with her (suddenly alone) very ill father and moving out before the end of the month. Mind you, I have to decide on renewing my lease by the end of this month (60 days notice required to renew at only slight increase).
> 
> ...


No. But I think it would reflect better on you if you worried less about your relationship and more about your imminent housing issue. If you can handle it on your own, handle that first and foremost. If you need help, don't be too proud to fill him in on your situation. Independent is cool and all, but interdependent is way cooler.


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## MsMojiMoe (Apr 7, 2021)

tanstaafl28 said:


> Well, my first instinct would be to hug you and ask you how I could help, but then I see you're an INTJ, and that might be the absolutely WORSE thing I could do, so my alternate thought would be to offer wine and chocolates and ask how I could help. If it were in my power to assist in any way, I would. If nothing else, I'd just try to be supportive. We all need to melt down every now and then. Why would that make me run?



he meant this for you, Coonsy, not me. Just quoted me by accident In his post.


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## Lonewaer (Jul 14, 2014)

I think you're making a couple of mistakes here.

The first one is, after two months, of being scared of losing him over that. First because it's only been two months (=nothing really developed for you to be so invested so soon), and second because men aren't wired like women. There are more chances that he doesn't care at all about your current financial situation, than your meltdown would scare him away. Such a meltdown would scare any woman away, at the very least dry her crotch up, because security is a primordial need for women. Been there, done that. But the reverse, your situation ? I wouldn't too worried, especially since he already is planning things with you. Your financial situation is not a primordial need for him, he doesn't expect you to financially participate to the relationship. He might, but most likely not.

The second one is assuming that because he is an owner, he is too far removed from the "rental life" or something. No, he is an owner, because he could, yes, but also, because he chose to, and decided to, knowing the drawbacks of both. Owning became more appealing to him. He knows. That's why he made the choice of being an owner. Now, those worries might resonate less with him because that was a long time ago for him and so he can afford to disconnect from those. Also, another nuance to that, and related to the previous one, he maybe doesn't want to care about those worries, those are not his worries anymore. So there is him being able to "afford" not caring, and there is him potentially not wanting to care. But that he doesn't _know_ about it? That's way more unlikely, he knows, he remembers, because most likely, he's had to crawl out of that situation, probably by himself. That alone, can give you two outcomes from that. Either he goes the "I understand, because I remember" route, or he goes the "stop whining, I did it, it wasn't that hard" one or something like that. Which one of the two is it, well that depends on his character, and that might help you make a choice to stick with him or not, because they both really show a difference in character.

But the cardinal mistake here, is really worrying about scaring a guy you've been seeing for two months only (I've been led on for longer than that, for a frame of reference, people can pretend to care when they really don't for a long time), when your real worry should be making sure you have a roof over your head. My guess is you didn't scare him off, because he's still here, but it's possible that he is anyway, or will be in the close future, and to be honest, that doesn't matter. You need, and want, a roof before being with someone.


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## MsMojiMoe (Apr 7, 2021)

Coonsy said:


> My logic brain says much of what you're saying - it wasn't an overreaction (compared to other people anyways), and if that scares him off, better now than later because at some point, it's bound to happen again down the line. Emotion brain is still processing the entire situation and it hasn't been long enough to have my alternative plans lined up yet, so I'm still in mild-panic mode (ads for the room are up in 3 places though LOL).
> 
> And yes, I'm probably projecting my worst-case-scenario and anxious self onto him right now (keeping it to myself - well, and here LOL), he may not even really be concerned with it. Which may be part of MY insecurity, because to me the situation in general is a big deal, so this is being amplified by it all.



i hope it is only you projecting. Bc if that is th3 case, well that is fixable on your end….or at the very least the awareness of it could lessen the stress. Breathe, lol. I feel like that is what it was, but can’t really know from where I sat, that’s why I throw all those thoughts at you to wonder about…. But I hope that is what it is. Stress is like a disease it starts to spread to other or all areas of your life.

and good luck on finding a roommate or another place


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## Coonsy (Dec 22, 2010)

Lonewaer said:


> I think you're making a couple of mistakes here.
> 
> The first one is, after two months, of being scared of losing him over that. First because it's only been two months (=nothing really developed for you to be so invested so soon), and second because men aren't wired like women. There are more chances that he doesn't care at all about your current financial situation, than your meltdown would scare him away. Such a meltdown would scare any woman away, at the very least dry her crotch up, because security is a primordial need for women. Been there, done that. But the reverse, your situation ? I wouldn't too worried, especially since he already is planning things with you. Your financial situation is not a primordial need for him, he doesn't expect you to financially participate to the relationship. He might, but most likely not.
> 
> ...



Oh, trust me, far more concerned about sorting out this mess than the relationship - that was just the "icing on the shit cake," which was probably also partially projection.

His response will have to be seen - I don't need anyone to save me, I'll deal with the situation I (ultimately over my life choices) put myself into, doesn't mean some supportive comments aren't nice to have, but no, not a need for my survival - but doesn't make for much of a relationship, either.

We shall see, time will tell on this one.


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## pwowq (Aug 7, 2016)

Coonsy said:


> *Guys, would this scare you off of a woman?*


I don't know.

But, if he did get scared away from you he's not willing to commit at all. Relationships aren't always happy and nice times. Sometimes people break.


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

If he leaves, you just dodged a silver bullet.


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## Coonsy (Dec 22, 2010)

Well, it appears at this point I didn't scare him off yet. He hasn't offered a ton of "support" but I'm not the "come save me" type of girl anyways. He's had a couple suggestions, and if I end up not finding an alternative, he'd rent me some space before letting me go live out of my cargo trailer (which is still my 3rd option). We had a nice relaxing weekend, so appreciated having some time to just chill a bit too rather than over thinking the situation like I'm prone to doing.


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