# Forced Relationship



## Alfador (Jun 28, 2014)

Took me quite some effort to come here.

So, I'm telling a little story.

There's this girl, my girlfriend, she's on the 10th grade and I'm on the 11th, she's 15 and I'm 16 (obviously). I think she's an ISFJ.
I've never talked with her until the beginning of this year, until this year, I didn't even know she existed. Turns out, she was a long-time friend of a friend of mine, and he came telling me one day that she said I was cute.

Oh my, that doesn't happen to me often, maybe I should check on her.
I'm very shy, and so does she, but at least I got some attitude. We talked for sometime, and we ended up "dating", and so I asked her if she wanted to be my gf.

"Sure"

It was all good until then, until she came and told me that she wanted to keep the relationship a secret from her parents. She says that they're very close minded about her having a boyfriend and stuff, but she have a nice relationship with her mother, and affirms to me she is more reasonable than her father (yet, she haven't told to her mother). Because of this, we barely see each other, rather than the school.

She likes generic stuff, and barely have the level of intelligence one at least should have, so we basically can't talk about stuff that I like, not because I like, but because she can't understand. She's indecisive all the time, and it's not because she can quickly _adapt to something_, it's because she doesn't have the potential to. She's something oblivious, not defined, she doesn't have any kind of "function", other than being... vague.

It's not like I'm wanting her to be a concept of a perfect girlfriend that's in my mind. It's because I know she _has_ to potential to... "evolve", to actually do something that would benefit her, but she doesn't. She's kind of conformed with the dumb things that she likes, that she do. Never questioning. She feel things someway, but don't know why. She think of things, but don't know why.

We barely talk, _even when are at each others side_. I think she can't even afford the minimum level of small talk.

Our relationship it's basically based on physical interests (kissing, hugging and stuff (?)).

Other than that, I don't know why I'm still with her. It's like I'm thinking about the possibility of her changing, but I guess that won't happen.

I'm also thinking on how I'm going to break up with her. I'm not used to relationships, she's my first girlfriend.

So, what's your thought on this? Can you give me any advice on whether how to break up or try to continue to this relationship hoping that it will get better?







tl;dr version: my girlfriend is dumb, do I try to continue the relationship trying to make it better, or you guys teach me how to break up in a soft way?


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## Ace Face (Nov 13, 2011)

If you think she's dumb and it bothers you then you should break up with her. Don't tell her that though. There are a million excuses in the book. Message me for some good ones.


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## Silverdawn (Jun 28, 2014)

First of all, both of you are still really young, so don't count all your eggs until they're hatched...or something like that, I don't remember the saying.

You could always try to find out what her hidden interests are. She might have some low self-esteem and doesn't want to pursue some things because of that. If she's really shy and reserved, then it might be why she doesn't initiate conversation often.

You said that she doesn't have the potential to adapt to things and understand, but then you said that she has the potential to "evolve". Either you are lying to yourself about her character or your intuition might be trying to tell you that there's indeed potential for growth but something in her is stunting it (like I said, it might be poor self-esteem or just plain non-exposure).

You could encourage her to pursue other interests and give her the courage to break free of the generic stuff. Some people are afraid of breaking away from the mold.

From the way you wrote your post though, it seems that you might have already made your choice and decided to part ways with her. It is true that a relationship based on physical interests isn't a real relationship, it is more of a friends with benefits kind of thing.

Like I said, you're both young and there's potential to grow, but it is up to you to decide if you want to invest further and give it a shot (because it feels like you have a gut feeling about her having potential) or part ways and go forward. I'm no good at breakups though, I can't really help you with that.

I wish you luck and I hope you find the answer.


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## Vegetables (Jun 22, 2014)

Never go in to a relationship expecting to change someone. You will always be disappointed that they didn't evolve or live up to your expectations. 

If her intelligence bothers you that much, cut it off with her. Plus, wouldn't it be nice to have a girlfriend that you could see outside of school? Go to movies with? Go out to eat? Sleep at each others houses? Fuck?


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## Alfador (Jun 28, 2014)

Silverdawn said:


> You said that she doesn't have the potential to adapt to things and understand, but then you said that she has the potential to "evolve". Either you are lying to yourself about her character or your intuition might be trying to tell you that there's indeed potential for growth but something in her is stunting it (like I said, it might be poor self-esteem or just plain non-exposure).


We may not talk that much, but in these little time we've been together, I've noticed there's a bit of intelligence in her, leaking, right very very very deep in her brain, as she's not that *dumb* in a very very very big way.

But I'm thinking about breaking up, not that I think it feels wrong, but I can't put much enough effort to actually help her "discover herself", change her, help her find other interest rather than the generic stuff that she likes or anything, etc.

Like, as I told she can't barely understand what I say, she might even not understand that I'm actually trying to help her, or see it in a wrong way ("you're trying to build me the way you want", "you don't accept me the way I am", etc).

So, it's not even worth taking a shot. But thanks for the advices, anyway, I'll take it as a lesson for further situations :]


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## Alfador (Jun 28, 2014)

Vegetables said:


> Never go in to a relationship expecting to change someone. You will always be disappointed that they didn't evolve or live up to your expectations.
> 
> If her intelligence bothers you that much, cut it off with her. Plus, wouldn't it be nice to have a girlfriend that you could see outside of school? Go to movies with? Go out to eat? Sleep at each others houses? Fuck?


I'm kind of working on that, and yes, that's kind of what I expected from having a relationship with her. I have an INTP female friend, we share most of our interests, and we can talk about most anything, and thought numberless times how it would be if we had a relationship. The only problem is that she lives in another city. It's not that far, but it would take too much money if I had to go see her at least a week, even twice a month.


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## ThomThom1 (Jul 26, 2014)

An INFP can be so quiet and still you might not know they are in the room. She could be that. It might not be that she's "dumb" as you say but fantasizing, lost in her own world. INFP's have a tendency toward staring right at you, but being miles away. The movie, The secret life of Walter Mitty is a prime example of this behavior. It's not that they are not intelligent, just slow in speech and actions. They move at their own pace but beneath that exterior is a wild ride. 

This might help you understand her a bit better. However, it's obvious you've made your decision to not keep her. You should stick with your gut instinct. I wish you luck in future relationships.


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## cremefraiche (Jul 9, 2014)

She's a 15-year-old girl. I was all over the place at 15 too and I have two degrees now. Being vague doesn't make her dumb, it makes her a 15-year-old girl who doesn't know who she is yet.

People like different things. What's dumb to you could be very intriguing to her. I for one think the Twilight books are all really dumb but can appreciate my friends who love them and see the intelligence in them. 

I agree though that you can't have a relationship with someone who you feel doesn't match you intellectually, and that you don't want to deal with helping them discover themselves. She has a long way to go probably until she knows who she is. High school is pretty much all about that, and I graduated five years ago and am very different from who I was then.

That being said I think many 15/16-year-old relationships are mostly physical in context. I don't think there's a high success rate of intimate/committed relationships at that age, though it certainly is possible. Don't feel too bad about it not being an ideal match, you're still very young.

And, yeah, you're still very young. There are lots of pretty girls in high school and many of them can match/challenge you intellectually. Go find one!


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## Aya the Abysswalker (Mar 23, 2012)

No, no, no. Don't do it. Runaway from it.


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## Diophantine (Nov 24, 2011)

aurudory said:


> I'm kind of working on that, and yes, that's kind of what I expected from having a relationship with her. I have an INTP female friend, we share most of our interests, and we can talk about most anything, and thought numberless times how it would be if we had a relationship. The only problem is that she lives in another city. It's not that far, but it would take too much money if I had to go see her at least a week, even twice a month.


The fact you are thinking that another girl could be much better for you and distance is the only thing that keeps it from happening, you should definitely end this relationship. If your current GF doesn't understand what you are talking about, chances are she isn't really enjoying that aspect of the relationship either. Mental connection is key, so if you don't have it in a relationship, please move on. You will really be thankful you did later when you find a person who you can really connect to and who can appreciate your intellect and your mind and therefore _you _for who you are.


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## Alfador (Jun 28, 2014)

Kobold said:


> At least she isn't an zé droguinha roud:


Zé Droguinhas > my actual girlfriend.


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## Alfador (Jun 28, 2014)

Diophantine said:


> The fact you are thinking that another girl could be much better for you and distance is the only thing that keeps it from happening, you should definitely end this relationship. If your current GF doesn't understand what you are talking about, chances are she isn't really enjoying that aspect of the relationship either. Mental connection is key, so if you don't have it in a relationship, please move on. You will really be thankful you did later when you find a person who you can really connect to and who can appreciate your intellect and your mind and therefore _you _for who you are.


I think I've noticed that a long time ago. This friend always keep telling me that "I'm the most authentic person she ever met". And I always feel humble for that, but it's not something I boast myself. She values my personality, my intelligence, and I do that too. But, even if I try to understand my girlfriend, or even try to stimulate herself to do some activities with me or try to engage in something, like a topic of any sort, she doesn't even try to accept it, or even try to at least understand. She don't value my actions towards our relationship, that is, most of my attempts to make it better. Always telling that is _unnecessary_. Anyway, I'll drop it soon. The problem is that I'm way too much shy, and I think I'll have some problems expressing myself to this INTP friend (maybe she already knows? they say NTs have this kind of "mental connection"). Thanks for the advice =]


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