# What should I do?



## ShadowsRunner (Apr 24, 2013)

I'm writing this because I feel so frustrated and lost. 

I've had I guess 'mental health' problems for much of my life. I've always been really weird and different. 
I'm sort of waiting in between treatments but on top of that I'm sort of feeling stuck as to where or what to do next, besides it being difficult to not only find proper treatment but treatment at all, besides just, you know, medication.

The biggest issue for me is just I'm so sad all of the time. I feel this weird pain inside that hardly ever goes away.
It's really hard to ignore it or focus on anything else because it's so overwhelming. 

I've been diagnosed with so many things, okay: First it was just depression, then social anxiety, dysphoria, PTSD, Borderline personality, Insomnia, and ADHD. 

But it's been hard finding anything that fits, plus it seems sort of ridiculous. I don't think I could have so many different things and I'm sure I symptoms could overlap and cause dysfunction in other aspects of my life making it seem like something else...

But sometimes I just think, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!!?? seriously. I'm so sick of feeling like crap.


Should I just try medication again? I've probably been on around 10 different medications and non of them have really worked for me. The last Anti-depressant I tried made me feel like I was going insane, not to mention they scare me. 

Is it because I had a bad childhood? do I just keep waiting until it goes away. I've spent years of trying to recover and it just seems like it'll never go away. I just want to not feel like killing myself...

Sometimes I get scared I'm not going to live much longer...
What do I do?


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## ShadowsRunner (Apr 24, 2013)

I think the Borderline description sort of fits me, except I don't manipulate people, or anything like that, or have any crazy spontaneous behaviors(I'm not a jerk) Mostly just the deep emptiness, and abandonment. I'm definitely unstable emotionally( but not to the extent of being bi-polar) It's hard to feel stable because it feels so foreign to me. PTSD I also relate to quite a bit. I think that is what predominately causes my anxiety. I feel on edge a lot, sometimes like my time on earth is short. I can get triggered and sort of half relive things and sort of dissociate a bit. I feel like my anxiety gets so bad I am going to die. 

I thought I had ADHD for a while, but I don't think that really fits me. I think I only seem ADHD half of the time because of how atrocious I feel and I am unstable. :/


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## KingShadow (Nov 30, 2014)

I hope you can find it in you to keep trying! I'm so sorry you've had trouble finding a solution that helps you, but I'm glad you continue to search! You've mentioned medication hasn't had much effect for you so far; have you tried therapy sessions? 

Perhaps having so many different diagnoses is because there's something else that comprises all your symptoms that nobody else has recognized? I definitely couldn't say that for sure, though. Have you seen many doctors?

Sometimes mental illnesses can be triggered by a bad childhood, sometimes not! I'm so sorry this is something you've had to experience, though. Have there been any times where you felt better than usual recently? Do you know if there was anything in your life, even outside of treatment, that helped you reach that improvement? 

I have the best wishes for you and hope you can find something to aid you in your recovery!


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## sleepingnereid (Oct 31, 2014)

Fish oils banannas and fish really improve mood. Another thing is you can look up the funniest stuff you remember ever seeing and just keep watching it until things seem less serious and you laugh. Things change and if they aren't maybe you should change them. New job, new state, new hairdoo, new friends, if things aren't working try something else, randomly if you need to.


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## VinnieBob (Mar 24, 2014)

can you find a support group in your area? talking to other people with the same issues would be a great help
personally I am not a big fan of modern psychology due to them over medicating and diagnosing every new problem [fad] around
chances are you are not as ''fucked up'' as the psychologists say you are. 1st problem you need to work on is self esteem
you ARE a bright intelligent person with much to offer so do not let any one tell you otherwise


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## Lemxn (Aug 17, 2013)

Did you try therapy? Or professional help.

I think that medication can help you but it won't fix you. You need to reach the nature of your emotions and actions and go from that. Pills only will freeze and fool you that you are better.


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## ShadowsRunner (Apr 24, 2013)

Well, for therapy, I've seen only a counselor and have had difficulty finding any other support options. I'm trying to find a new one, but I find it difficult and it seems like most places have waiting lists etc. My counselor while helpful to an extent didn't really seem to understand me I think. Afterwards it kind of felt like she just made me feel worse about my self...
She basically told me that all of my problems are because I think too much, and that if I just stopped thinking so much my problems would disappear even though I went to them because things weren't just working themselves out on their own....which made me doubt my self and everything I thought about and had even gone through a period of constantly trying not to think at all but not thinking makes me feel more confused honestly. How can you go through life not thinking at all? Wtf. Learning about critical thinking and the enneagram helped me more then anything else. 

I also saw a life-couch for a brief while who was a bit more understanding of my personality I think. But she more or less just told me I just have to accept my life, and situation and where I'm at right now, which was kind of frustrating because I had some immediate problems in my life that were serious and I couldn't just "accept them and let them be" 
but she was kind of buddhist like and it I think all a part of her general zen out look on life. 
You know, there is only the now, there is nothing else. I understand that stuff but I just don't know if it was the answer I was looking for. I don't know if all my problems originated purely from my thought process so much as they are my attempt at putting into words my observations(about my life) where as they took it as purely being my thought process. 

As for support-group, well I recently found one, but it's only once every few weeks, so I'm currently waiting for the beginning, but I'm just frustrated because I'm sick of feeling like I'm waiting for my life to begin I guess?

I'm currently reading a book on my own about Cognitive behavior therapy cuz I figured I might as well just do it myself instead of waiting.

I think a big thing for me is loneliness. I'm pretty alienated I think. 
I've never fit into the norm (largely because of all of this stuff) and because of that it's been difficult to find people who accept and understand me. Sometimes it feels like all that matters to people is what you do for a living to be honest, and because I'm not perfect in that regard I am shit.

Amongst many other things I suppose.


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## sleepingnereid (Oct 31, 2014)

online-support groups-look it up online, you dont have to say much, like all relations, it taks time. but really, there are tons of free ones you dont need your councellor for. sometimes their in the next town over or the closest large city.


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## Razare (Apr 21, 2009)

CloudySkies said:


> What do I do?


What I suggest would fix your issue entirely, if you're willing to entertain it:

1) Make Jesus your Lord. (Fixes a lot of emotional issues.)

2) Stop living by feelings, but live by God's word. (This fixes everything not automatically fixed by making Jesus your Lord.)

God's word never changes but our feelings do. It's a very liberating experience to finally realize, "I feel like complete crap, but I'm happy in spite of it! What a glorious day the Lord has made!"

You start living like that and you reach a point you can't be depressed or whatever else you might suffer from.

I was depressed for years and years, and even now, I'll try to be depressed sometimes but I just can't be. It doesn't work on me anymore.

I've been too radically fixed up inside by God to be depressed. It doesn't mean I don't have days where I cry myself to sleep, I do... but it can't affect me much because I recognize those are feelings.

Feelings come and go like the wind. They blow a certain way one day, and another direction a different day. Truth never changes.

-------------

And this doesn't mean you don't get help or not take medication. God can use these things to help a person to, but ultimately by putting God first, God becomes the solution, and he provides whatever help is necessary.


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## Apdenoatis (May 23, 2012)

Meds alone won't solve your problem, no matter what doctors will tell you. They may certainly help if you're sure you have hormonal imbalances, but ultimately there's also usually another problem at hand, perhaps self-esteem, self-doubt, lack of purpose, want of friendship, etc. With that being said, don't give up just because meds haven't worked for you!

Furthermore, don't feel like you have to fit a diagnosis to understand how you feel or what you're going through. You feel what you feel and you're going through what you're going through, and that's all it is and that's all that's necessary. 

And you're not shit. You just haven't found the people in this world or haven't looked everywhere yet. Have you tried talking to more people online or looking for people with mutual interests?

I can relate to the whole "thinking too much" thing, I've been repeatedly told that as well and actually just recovered from another bout of that an hour ago. To be honest, what I've found is that 
1) most people actually aren't bad people, they just don't know any better.
2) everything is REALLY complicated and confusing, but that fact is only unsettling if you let it be. The unpredictability of life is what enables us to dream, hope, and to change the courses of our lives. Any desire for order is simply a desire, not a requirement. 
3) a lot of people feel the same way about a lot of things, yet many of us feel alone and not understood. Some of us will go through life never being understood, but that doesn't mean compassion or deep friendship or meaningful relationships can't exist. It just means you'll have to explain yourself a little more clearly from time to time.

Hope that helps somehow, and feel free to drop me a message if you want to talk about anything. You've already taken steps to help yourself, and you should be proud of that


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## O_o (Oct 22, 2011)

Look into Dialectical Behavior Therapy(DBT) and see if there are any services near you which provide it; this has been shown to work best for individuals with Borderline personality disorder (better than CBT) and also works for other things you listed, if this is what you believe you may have  All four medication groups have been used as well depending on the individual so there really isn't a clear cut drug for this and when given, it really is most productive with some sort of program or psychotherapy (just... fyi I guess). 

Also don't think it's odd with the combination; comorbidity is actually fairly common among people (anxiety and depression come together a fair amount of times; and I wouldn't be surprised if someone with BPD would experience both). 

It's all about finding the right support and taking advantage of the resources you can find, so I think it's great that you're looking for that. I wish you luck! Hang in there~

A snippet of what DBT is :
http://behavioraltech.org/resources/whatisdbt.cfm


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## ShadowsRunner (Apr 24, 2013)

O_o said:


> Look into Dialectical Behavior Therapy(DBT) and see if there are any services near you which provide it; this has been shown to work best for individuals with Borderline personality disorder (better than CBT) and also works for other things you listed, if this is what you believe you may have  All four medication groups have been used as well depending on the individual so there really isn't a clear cut drug for this and when given, it really is most productive with some sort of program or psychotherapy (just... fyi I guess).
> 
> Also don't think it's odd with the combination; comorbidity is actually fairly common among people (anxiety and depression come together a fair amount of times; and I wouldn't be surprised if someone with BPD would experience both).
> 
> ...


ERh, that's the thing, I don't really know, and it's very frustrating. 

Yeah, I guess you could have co-morbidity, but when you have something like BPD, isn't it already sort of assumed upon that you'd have issues with depression and anxiety if one of the tenants of having that is difficulty with regulating your emotions properly, and that one of the biggest struggles is having out of control emotions?

Thanks though, I'll look into DBT


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## ShadowsRunner (Apr 24, 2013)

So I was thinking about it, I feel way better then when I wrote the post.

I think the post was just a combination of having a really bad day, and already having all this on my mind which just combined to create this thread...

I don't really think I have BPD, or at least I don't fit it exactly. A lot of the behaviors in the description don't exist for me.

I think the biggest thing for me is just that I feel really sad a lot, and also, feel really numb. The most frustrating thing for me is that It's really hard to enjoy anything, and I often feel like I live in this big empty world. 

I feel sort of let down by life, and feel like it didn't really turn out anything like I expected..
I am just miserable and I don't know why...

I actually recently found a couple of times that my symptoms completely vanished after exercising, but only for a limited period of time. I'm not sure if this was just endorphins or a sign that I should exercise more or not. 
Also I felt that when I was exercising it was like an outer layer was being 'peeled off' sort to speak. At first one, then many others. It was like the heavy of glass I was looking at life through was slowly taken away. It was really weird.


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## ScarlettHayden (Jun 8, 2012)

CloudySkies said:


> Is it because I had a bad childhood? do I just keep waiting until it goes away. I've spent years of trying to recover and it just seems like it'll never go away. I just want to not feel like killing myself...


If you had a bad childhood, then yes, it likely is because of that.

You can wait till it goes away, or you can fix the root cause. Everything starts in the mind. People take meds for this and that but don't realise if they just change their thoughts their biology changes along with it.

There are lots of ways to do this. But I would say the main thing these things work towards is mindfulness. If you can learn to be more mindful, then you'll find your life greatly improved.

I need to know more about what goes on inside your head though to give any proper pointers towards establishing this. Send me a PM, and explain to me your childhood, and also the things you think/feel as a result of it. 

I've been through a bad childhood myself and with some work came out the other end completely healed, so I can help you out with a little more detail.


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## ScarlettHayden (Jun 8, 2012)

CloudySkies said:


> I actually recently found a couple of times that my symptoms completely vanished after exercising, but only for a limited period of time. I'm not sure if this was just endorphins or a sign that I should exercise more or not.
> Also I felt that when I was exercising it was like an outer layer was being 'peeled off' sort to speak. At first one, then many others. It was like the heavy of glass I was looking at life through was slowly taken away. It was really weird.


There is a reason for this, and I encourage you to continue exercising.


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