# Why does it seem NF's have such trouble with romantic relationships?



## Slider (Nov 17, 2009)

I don't know, but I'd definitely try with Nicole Kidman.


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## thegirlcandance (Jul 29, 2009)

Slider said:


> I don't know, but I'd definitely try with Nicole Kidman.


Ha - too bad she's re-married to Keith Urban now.:wink:


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## Zally (Nov 29, 2009)

Shadow1980 said:


> Maybe it would be more accurate to ask what type of romantic problems NF's seem to have and why? It seems like the group is defaulting to that question anyway...


Personally, I have this pattern in my relationships: I like to flirt and play with oposite sex, nothing serious. When I start to date someone, I'm soooo in love at first. I want to spend all my time with that person. But if he starts to feel the same way, I become anxious. Suddenly this closeness feels like a prison. Especially, if he's even a little bit a jealous type, I push him away. Then I'm sooooo sad and depressed and wonder how did this happen again.  

Luckily, every rule has an acception. I've been very happily in my current relationship for several years now. He's an ISTP (don't know if it's good match in paper but I really don't care) and he knows to give me the space I need cause he needs space too.


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## Alchemical Romance (Nov 26, 2009)

NF's need space too. I for example have an ISFP girlfriend for 2 years now. She is the most wonderful feeling person i ever met. Sometimes i wonder if i can raise up to that kind of feeling intensity. But there are 2 big problems 1.She falls into fits of self-pity about anything. If i try to explain that other people have it way worst than she does she calls me cold although i try to mend the problem. 2. We have no common interests whatsoever. She talks about establishing a traditional family with traditional rules. The word 'tradition' and 'rule' irk me. I write and read all day to get a decent job as a university professor. She says i pay little atention to her but when i do take a break she says i'm doing nothing for the future. But her concept of future is the imediate future. I concider that it is better to study and think big then live a worker life with no future. I haven't actually met NF girls. They are like some kind of mythical creatures. You read about them in textbooks, you know they exist, you read their posts but unseable to the naked eye, at least where i live. Around here even NT's are hard to find. We have an ST dominated culture.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## On the road to Damascus (Oct 1, 2009)

Jack Rabid said:


> We are walking contradictions.. and do not practice what we preach..
> 
> We subtlety or not so subtlety manipulate our lovers into becoming what we idealize.. and blame them for not having our backs when they resist the manipulation..


Thanks for posting this Jack Rabid - I am guilty of this too. I had had an idealized view of a relationship due to previous relationship baggage which sobotaged the next one (relationship). Other things were not jiving but I was always comparing...I think he was too and we couldn't meet each other's expectations and we never talked about it...now we are just not talking 

This post sounds depressing but I'm not feeling that way now...just still processing my feelings about the whole thing and trying to seek out the lessons learned.:mellow:


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## Jack Rabid (Aug 6, 2009)

On the road to Damascus said:


> Thanks for posting this Jack Rabid - I am guilty of this too. I had had an idealized view of a relationship due to previous relationship baggage which sobotaged the next one (relationship). Other things were not jiving but I was always comparing...I think he was too and we couldn't meet each other's expectations and we never talked about it...now we are just not talking
> 
> This post sounds depressing but I'm not feeling that way now...just still processing my feelings about the whole thing and trying to seek out the lessons learned.:mellow:


Sounds very familiar indeed..  There has to be some sort of balance out there.. and I too am seeking to find it..


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## Indigo Knight (Apr 25, 2009)

1. Expectations (are they realistic?)
2. NFs are passionate people
3. Is the NF in a relationship with the right reasons?
4. Is the NF in a relationship with the right person?

I think NFs can also fall prey to stress and the backlash of a 'realistic' world. They might cope with short term satisfactions, which may cause more problems long term.


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## Jack Rabid (Aug 6, 2009)

Indigo Knight said:


> 1. Expectations (are they realistic?)
> 2. NFs are passionate people
> 3. Is the NF in a relationship with the right reasons?
> 4. Is the NF in a relationship with the right person?
> ...


 That sounds pretty accurate too..


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## Ignus (Sep 30, 2009)

I think that 80-90% of the world that is not NF just don't know how to deal with our passion for romance. We want to give ourselves completely and utterly to our mate, and we find meaning in life through romantic relationships, sending our chosen special someone songs, notes, flowers, tokens of affection constantly because we think love is so important it should NEVER be taken for granted.

The problem is most people do not feel love is such a special unique and overwhelming experience. As one of the ENFP descriptions states, most types when newly in love resemble a garden variety ENFP, but most people cool off and temper their emotions in the crucible of daily life. NF's temper only slightly and spend the rest of their lives confirming their devotion to their partner. Most other types just can't accept love this pure and powerful, we come on "Too strong" which I think is a bunch of bullshit even though it's true.

NF's are clingy, we are devoted heart and soul to our mates, and most people just don't want that most of the time until they are ready to marry. We come off as needy and demanding because we base our entire self-image on the strength of our relationships, and our romantic relationships trump any others in terms of importance.
The rest of the world is not prepared for the pure outpouring of soul and love that comes from picking an NF for a girl/boyfriend. We are the most caring, compassionate, loving, soul-melding, compromising, and deep soul mates anyone could ever have, and most people just cannot handle that amount of pure, no-strings-attatched love. So we get left in the dust.


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## susurration (Oct 22, 2009)

Ignus said:


> I think that 80-90% of the world that is not NF just don't know how to deal with our passion for romance. We want to give ourselves completely and utterly to our mate, and we find meaning in life through romantic relationships, sending our chosen special someone songs, notes, flowers, tokens of affection constantly because we think love is so important it should NEVER be taken for granted.
> 
> The problem is most people do not feel love is such a special unique and overwhelming experience. As one of the ENFP descriptions states, most types when newly in love resemble a garden variety ENFP, but most people cool off and temper their emotions in the crucible of daily life. NF's temper only slightly and spend the rest of their lives confirming their devotion to their partner. Most other types just can't accept love this pure and powerful, we come on "Too strong" which I think is a bunch of bullshit even though it's true.
> 
> ...


I think because of the love and emotional intensity we are generally capable of and seek, we need to find a lover who we feel absolutely comfortable with. Because ^ that kind of love Ignus describes leaves you incredibly vulnerable. I know I am often hesitant to commit because I want to make sure they are exactly the right person. Someone posted recently that one novel claimed FP's (more specifically INFPs) are generally the type actively searching for a soul mate."the marriage of true minds".

I remember watching a documentary about assisted suicide with a few friends. There was this one couple where one had a terminal illness, and was seeking assisted suicide. Their partner didnt want to live without them, and was trying to get approval for assissted suicide as well. The lady just did not want to live although she was perfectly healthy and had her whole life ahead of her. They didn't get approvals and committed suicide themselves. The people who had watched it with me even though most were in relationships couldn't understand why she'd want to die when she could find love again later in her life. I understood her and would probably do the same. To some that'd seem crazy. Maybe it is.


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## pinkrasputin (Apr 13, 2009)

On the road to Damascus said:


> Thanks for posting this Jack Rabid - I am guilty of this too. I had had an idealized view of a relationship due to previous relationship baggage which sobotaged the next one (relationship). Other things were not jiving but I was always comparing...I think he was too and we couldn't meet each other's expectations and we never talked about it...now we are just not talking
> 
> This post sounds depressing but I'm not feeling that way now...just still processing my feelings about the whole thing and trying to seek out the lessons learned.:mellow:


This is relationship rule #1: Everyone PLEASE stop rebounding into the next relationship. Rebound relationships are so horrible and I was just incredibly hurt by it. Call it "karma" as I've perpetuated the cycle as well.

Just remember: no one likes to be used in order for someone else to get over their ex's. This is regardless of personality. Rebound relationships always end up badly. You either chose a person who is NOTHING like your ex because you haven't worked out your problems with them and don't want to be reminded. So you sit there hating your ex and want to forget about them. You choose someone COMPLETELY DIFFERENT before you've had a chance to get over the hurt and understand there actually was SOME GOOD along with the bad. You need some time to heal before you can objectively discover there where good things about your mate that kept you going for so long. Dating someone completely the opposite of your ex is like "throwing the baby out with the bath water." Then when you discover your ex had some good traits, you realize this new person is not what you really need and then dump them.

OR you choose someone who you think is EXACTLY like your ex just so you don't have to go through any mourning process of missing them. But then you use that person to release all your anger . The new person becomes a target for all that you can't currently release on your ex because you are no longer together with your ex. 

No one should be afraid to be alone for awhile after a relationship ends. And I admit to hating it. However, it also seems that those that CAN be alone for awhile after a relationships ends also aren't the best at doing an inventory of THEMSELVES and their RESPONSIBILITY in their previous relationship's demise.

Being alone after a relationship has eroded AND being an empathetic feeler can reek hell on our soul. Although we are not using "logic" , once we gain objectivity we will readily accept our part in the destruction. It's not long until we seek someone else to tell us we "are good" again.


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## Mind Marauder (Nov 12, 2009)

Double post.


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## Mind Marauder (Nov 12, 2009)

pinkrasputin said:


> This is relationship rule #1: Everyone PLEASE stop rebounding into the next relationship. Rebound relationships are so horrible and I was just incredibly hurt by it. Call it "karma" as I've perpetuated the cycle as well.
> 
> Just remember: no one likes to be used in order for someone else to get over their ex's. This is regardless of personality. Rebound relationships always end up badly. You either chose a person who is NOTHING like your ex because you haven't worked out your problems with them and don't want to be reminded. So you sit there hating your ex and want to forget about them. You choose someone COMPLETELY DIFFERENT before you've had a chance to get over the hurt and understand there actually was SOME GOOD along with the bad. You need some time to heal before you can objectively discover there where good things about your mate that kept you going for so long. Dating someone completely the opposite of your ex is like "throwing the baby out with the bath water." Then when you discover your ex had some good traits, you realize this new person is not what you really need and then dump them.
> 
> ...


Yep, I've been a rebound too. Several times. And they all went back to the cheating boyfriend. I felt soo used. I stopped eating, lost weight, and went too a deep low in my life. I guess it's my fault for not catching it, but I was blinded by that thing called love.


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## Jack Rabid (Aug 6, 2009)

pinkrasputin said:


> This is relationship rule #1: Everyone PLEASE stop rebounding into the next relationship. Rebound relationships are so horrible and I was just incredibly hurt by it. Call it "karma" as I've perpetuated the cycle as well.
> 
> Just remember: no one likes to be used in order for someone else to get over their ex's. This is regardless of personality. Rebound relationships always end up badly. You either chose a person who is NOTHING like your ex because you haven't worked out your problems with them and don't want to be reminded. So you sit there hating your ex and want to forget about them. You choose someone COMPLETELY DIFFERENT before you've had a chance to get over the hurt and understand there actually was SOME GOOD along with the bad. You need some time to heal before you can objectively discover there where good things about your mate that kept you going for so long. Dating someone completely the opposite of your ex is like "throwing the baby out with the bath water." Then when you discover your ex had some good traits, you realize this new person is not what you really need and then dump them.
> 
> ...


 This post is brilliant.. I wish I could thank it twice.. what I highlighted is the story of very my existence right now..
I am fighting for this need to be alone .. and circumstance is not working in my favor..Survival of body can overrule survival of the soul..and it is frustrating


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## Shadow1980 (Jul 17, 2009)

pinkrasputin said:


> This is relationship rule #1: Everyone PLEASE stop rebounding into the next relationship. Rebound relationships are so horrible and I was just incredibly hurt by it. Call it "karma" as I've perpetuated the cycle as well.
> 
> Just remember: no one likes to be used in order for someone else to get over their ex's. This is regardless of personality. Rebound relationships always end up badly. You either chose a person who is NOTHING like your ex because you haven't worked out your problems with them and don't want to be reminded. So you sit there hating your ex and want to forget about them. You choose someone COMPLETELY DIFFERENT before you've had a chance to get over the hurt and understand there actually was SOME GOOD along with the bad. You need some time to heal before you can objectively discover there where good things about your mate that kept you going for so long. Dating someone completely the opposite of your ex is like "throwing the baby out with the bath water." Then when you discover your ex had some good traits, you realize this new person is not what you really need and then dump them.
> 
> ...


First of all, I just want to hug you. You poor thing. You really have been very hurt by this haven't you? (hug) 

Second, I admire your ability to detect your own issue of needing to reach out to someone else to confirm your worth. I would encourage you to follow through on this realization and work on yourself. Maybe think of something you've always wanted to try but have been afraid to...and do it! Nothing like a little empowerment to build your self-confidence and remind yourself you don't need to be in a relationship to be strong.


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## IndigoAbyss (Mar 1, 2012)

Mind Marauder said:


> A very good question. While I have no concrete answers, I might have ideas:
> 
> I think the biggest thing is that we are pretty sensitive AND passionate. The combination is both a beautiful and troublesome. I know just talking with a girl my mind is on fire. I'm so ready to talk about intimate details and I have to remind myself to take it slower. Another big thing for me is that my passion (towards anything in life) rages like a forrest fire but it can be quenched early on if even the smallest thing happens. A girl might look at me the "wrong way" and my mental chatter won't die down for hours afterwards. I've always thought the hardest thing about being me (and an INFJ, as well) is that I seem to be a paradox. A collision of wants, interests, thoughts, ideas, and needs that seems counter to what I perceive most people to want. What I guess I'm aiming at is that I'm also afraid prior to a relationship that I'll bring a lot of baggage to it by merely being there.


A living embodiment of Ni, lol. However, I can say that it is very true. roud:


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## IndigoAbyss (Mar 1, 2012)

Ignus said:


> I think that 80-90% of the world that is not NF just don't know how to deal with our passion for romance. We want to give ourselves completely and utterly to our mate, and we find meaning in life through romantic relationships, sending our chosen special someone songs, notes, flowers, tokens of affection constantly because we think love is so important it should NEVER be taken for granted.
> 
> The problem is most people do not feel love is such a special unique and overwhelming experience. As one of the ENFP descriptions states, most types when newly in love resemble a garden variety ENFP, but most people cool off and temper their emotions in the crucible of daily life. NF's temper only slightly and spend the rest of their lives confirming their devotion to their partner. Most other types just can't accept love this pure and powerful, we come on "Too strong" which I think is a bunch of bullshit even though it's true.
> 
> ...


I know this is an old post but I couldn't have said it better. I've been told I'm too "intense" or "you noticed all of that about me?!". Its like they get a whif of my watery depths and whiz out, because they just want something "casual and fun" just to enjoy the moment. Which is something I just can't do. Me, casual, and relationships don't mix.

Some people are just turned off by the idea of hard-core serious commitment and a highly intuitive and giving partner that is sexually romantic, which is sad but true. They think it's too "serious", which I could never understand why people enter into a relationship they have no intentions of making it last?! Often times, many people are selfish and only want self-gratification while giving little in return. :dry:


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