# friendship problem



## lunagattina (Nov 7, 2014)

let's say you had a friend.

Let's say you have cared a lot about this friend, and you still do.

But some shit happened and you understood that your friend didn't care about your friendship anymore and you two have totally drifted apart.

And now you are worring for them because you don't see them anymore and don't know how they are, if it's all right or if they have problems or if they could need you. 
And you can't stop thinking about your friend and worring about them. Every single day. 

What would you do?

Would take the courage to contact your friend even knowing that you are probably just annoying for them and that this will probably make you suffer as in the past, 
or 
would you try to convince yourself that somebody who has showed with their behavior that didn't care about you and your friendship, doesn't need you? 



Or would you go to a psyichoanalist to understand why you can't simply forget everything, stop overthinking and worring for your ex friend and go on with your life? :dry:


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## Apple Pine (Nov 27, 2014)

You won't "save" this friendship if you are annoying to that friend and something serious happened. 
Do nothing. Lol. You don't need a friend who doesn't care. What's the use of this kind of person? You can find wooden people who would be even more helpful to you anywhere in the internet. 
As hard it is, that's the best shot >


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## saxol (Aug 20, 2015)

I'd let it be. Let them come to you, don't force yourself on them. Wouldn't be good for either of you probably.


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## Shroud Shifter (Sep 9, 2015)

Just let it go. You'll find other friends.


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## Wayside (Nov 29, 2012)

I suspect you don't wish to provide details, but knowing what happened between you and your friend and how long ago would be really useful information. 

The way I understand the situation is that something went down, you haven't had contact for a long time and it is very unlikely your friend is going to initiate contact. So if you do nothing, then you can be sure the friendship is over. If you reach out, you risk conflict and unpleasantness, but there is also a chance of restoring the friendship.

It sounds like you really care for your friend, so leading with that is probably a good start. You will probably have to clear the air around the conflict that happened between you, which depending on the circumstances could mean apologizing or forgiving your friend. You both may need certain things to get there. Also, there is the factor of how open or closed your friend is to your reaching out. You can't control that, but you can be honest and show goodwill. 

Your feelings of concern for your friend suggest to me that it's worth trying to reach out. Otherwise you will continue to think and worry about them. Having the chance to say what you need to say or clearly seeing the other person's response to your effort outside the heat of a conflict could provide you some closure about the friendship. And if you are open to this person coming back into your life when they choose, even if it's not now, letting them know that might allow you to move on mentally without definitively ending or continuing the friendship.


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## Aya the Abysswalker (Mar 23, 2012)

Let it go.


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## snowbell (Apr 2, 2012)

Lunagattina said:


> let's say you had a friend.
> 
> Let's say you have cared a lot about this friend, and you still do.
> 
> ...


I don't really know what to say or how to answer, but I hope things work out for you, whichever path you choose to take :sad:.


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## lunagattina (Nov 7, 2014)

woogiefox said:


> You won't "save" this friendship if you are annoying to that friend and something serious happened.
> Do nothing. Lol. You don't need a friend who doesn't care. What's the use of this kind of person? You can find wooden people who would be even more helpful to you anywhere in the internet.
> As hard it is, that's the best shot >


it's not about needing friendship in general. It's about affection for that person in particular. 
I don't love my friends because I need them, but because I like them. They don't have to be of any kind of use. 
And I don't need to find other friends. 
But I understand what you are sayingv about "saving" friendship.


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## lunagattina (Nov 7, 2014)

Wayside said:


> I suspect you don't wish to provide details, but knowing what happened between you and your friend and how long ago would be really useful information.
> 
> The way I understand the situation is that something went down, you haven't had contact for a long time and it is very unlikely your friend is going to initiate contact. So if you do nothing, then you can be sure the friendship is over. If you reach out, you risk conflict and unpleasantness, but there is also a chance of restoring the friendship.
> 
> ...


thanks. 
This is one of those situations in which I would like so badly to be more extroverted and decisive.


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## Alpha_Orionis (Jan 18, 2015)




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## nO_d3N1AL (Apr 25, 2014)

I would firstly try to understand _why_ the friendship drifted apart. Was it on a bad note? Do they have other things occupying their life which means they have little time for catching up with friends? Do they dislike you for some reason? I'd try to look at things through their perspective, put myself in their situation and try to work out how they see things. Still, I wouldn't just give up. I would definitely try to contact them and tell them how I feel.


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## Shroud Shifter (Sep 9, 2015)

Lunagattina said:


> it's not about needing friendship in general. It's about affection for that person in particular.
> I don't love my friends because I need them, but because I like them. They don't have to be of any kind of use.
> And I don't need to find other friends.
> But I understand what you are sayingv about "saving" friendship.


So then call them. Or send a text message. Or a mail. See what happens.


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## untested methods (May 8, 2015)

You're never in the wrong to simply _offer_ an ear. If people don't want it, they turn it down. End of story.

But my impression is that you want to repair the friendship but feel it's only going to end in rejection or failure. That changes the nature of the question. Have you tried and been pushed away, or did something bad happen? Don't have to answer if you don't want to.

If so, it's a good idea to weigh your options. With some people, a friendship can be repaired after there's been distance. That takes some time and commitment from both ends to talk at least semi-regularly and start opening up again. It won't happen if only one person is willing to start talking again. If you wronged them and haven't apologized, suck it up and apologize. The worst they can do is not accept it, which puts you back at square one and is a good reason to close the book.

If there's actually something unhealthy about this friendship, be honest with yourself, bite your lip, and keep away. The heart is very good at justifying things that weren't meant to be.


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## stargazing grasshopper (Oct 25, 2013)

Lunagattina said:


> it's not about needing friendship in general. It's about affection for that person in particular.
> I don't love my friends because I need them, but because I like them. They don't have to be of any kind of use.
> And I don't need to find other friends.
> But I understand what you are saying about "saving" friendship.


IMHO your base issue is that *you care for her deeply* & you *require proper closure* before you can let go.

I feel your pain but if your friend made it clear that she's done, then you'll very likely make things worse by attempting to reestablish contact. Hopefully you can bear the hurt of having to let go of somebody that you share a deep bond with & the torment of fighting back the urge to reach out to her. Keep your email or other means of communication open JIC she ever wants to talk.
Be thankful for the good times you two shared & cherish the memories that you made together.
Grieve the loss, allow the hurt to eventually become anger & let go of that anger when you're able to. Holding onto that anger is how enraged feminists are made & you likely don't wanna become one of those type LOL.
Hey ignore people that tell you time heals all wounds, they've no idea what you're dealing with. Without closure you'll likely feel pain for the rest of your life.

Hang in there


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## yet another intj (Feb 10, 2013)

Lunagattina said:


> ex friend


Well... You definitely taking it a little too seriously... Or... Maybe it was something a little more serious beyond just a friend.


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