# intp's point of view on relationships and intimacy



## Kaka445 (Feb 22, 2021)

Hi there, I'm an esfp and I'm dating an intp girl. We are still working on our relationship because it's hard for me to get along with her because of how different our personalities are. But, there is one thing I want to ask about today.
Do intps even like physical contact? I know it's silly because it depends on a person, but we were friends since 2018 and then there was no problems with that, she was showing affection and liked cuddling etc. But the more serious our relationship became, paradoxically, she avoided physical contact more and more, and teased me so much that it made me feel sad more than once. We've talked many times about me feeling unloved and rejected. We broke up then because of it because I couldn't stand being treated so badly for wanting to show her affection. I stopped believing that she loved me at all. After two years, we are now in a relationship again, she has changed a bit, but still very often she does everything to make it look like she doesn't like me, unless the conversation is very serious. It looks like she has no physical interest in me, nor does she like any touch. Even so, if she just wants to hug by herself, she does. I asked her many things directly, and she always told me that she was not asexual, nor aromantic, and had no problem with touch in any form, and that she liked me both physically and as a person. T*hen what's the problem for her to show affection and not treat me like just a friend*? I know she has problems with it but I can't find any source of this problem, from what she told me there is no reason. She seems to like touch and cares about showing me her feelings somehow, but she does it very occasionally. As an esfp, I just feel a strong need to meet, hug, talk to the person I care about often, she doesn't, but she was the one who asked me to re-enter the relationship and assured me that she wanted to be with me to be and that she loves me. The fact is that we are young because we are 18 years old, but sometimes I have the impression that because of such diametrical differences our relationship will fall apart again, which we both would not want. Any thoughts?


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## Rift (Mar 12, 2012)

individual models vary. . .






youth is another issue. . . you both might need to diversify your experiences, either together or apart. Novelty may trigger your intp to research advanced techniques. . . but you may want to steer the direction unless you're truly adventurous. 

a fair portion have been described as dead fish, not even a single flop, some toss this off on their alleged laziness more than perceived passivity. 

perhaps layering your intimacy and activities in plot, intrigue and sport will engage them to act more... such as limited time in risky places or creating a score sheet of things you need from her with a reward system that caters to her needs. may be helpful if you both create a sheet and then negotiate over what the rewards should be.


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## littlewyng (Sep 17, 2020)

they forgot to mention it comes with a Zune.

also step 3 doesn't work.


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## Rift (Mar 12, 2012)




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## Red Panda (Aug 18, 2010)

i've been in a relationship with an intp for over 12 years, he finds it difficult to talk but very very physically affectionate, so yea I don't think type is the issue here

she might have issues with attachment and be insecurely attached (google attachment theory), so the thought of affection and intimacy makes her feel overwhelmed easily and withdraws
or physical touch just isn't her thing as much as you want and need

tbh I don't even see the point of being in a romantic relationship in which such a key part of it is completely mismatched, if you can't enjoy yourselves and be happy with each other what's the point? If you can't get along with her what's the point?


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## HAL (May 10, 2014)

I wonder if it's a gender differences thing, because the way men and women perceive and/or require physical intimacy can differ.

I agree entirely with the description @Red Panda gives. I'm an INTP and I'm so bad at talking about intimate things (though it comes much easier in written messages), I prefer to maintain the safety of silence, instead of opening up my true internal emotions. However, I'll happily be physical and intimate for hours. I think physical intimacy is the greatest way to express a connection with someone, without needing to say a word.


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## Kaka445 (Feb 22, 2021)

HAL said:


> I wonder if it's a gender differences thing, because the way men and women perceive and/or require physical intimacy can differ.
> 
> I agree entirely with the description @Red Panda gives. I'm an INTP and I'm so bad at talking about intimate things (though it comes much easier in written messages), I prefer to maintain the safety of silence, instead of opening up my true internal emotions. However, I'll happily be physical and intimate for hours. I think physical intimacy is the greatest way to express a connection with someone, without needing to say a word.


we're both women heh 
yeah, she also finds it easier to talk in written messages, and be more open in general. in reality tho... ahh, she told me recently that she's just embrassed to express herself in reality and becomes stressful in my present, i wonder if i can do anything to help her to be less shy


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## HAL (May 10, 2014)

Kaka445 said:


> we're both women heh
> yeah, she also finds it easier to talk in written messages, and be more open in general. in reality tho... ahh, she told me recently that she's just embrassed to express herself in reality and becomes stressful in my present, i wonder if i can do anything to help her to be less shy


Could cultural restrictions be anything to do with it? I see you have a Poland flag on your profile. Isn't Poland a woefully homophobic nation at the moment? I've seen some quite damning stories in the news!


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## Kaka445 (Feb 22, 2021)

HAL said:


> Could cultural restrictions be anything to do with it? I see you have a Poland flag on your profile. Isn't Poland a woefully homophobic nation at the moment? I've seen some quite damning stories in the news!


ahhhh i don't know, luckily me and she both are living in pretty understending ,tolerant and lovely environment of friends... but you're soooo right tho, it's very hard in Poland to not live in a homophobic einvironment :c


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## HAL (May 10, 2014)

Kaka445 said:


> ahhhh i don't know, luckily me and she both are living in pretty understending ,tolerant and lovely environment of friends... but you're soooo right tho, it's very hard in Poland to not live in a homophobic einvironment :c


That really sucks. It feels like a lot of the western world is becoming more hateful and right wing these days. I hope someday soon the madness will end.


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## Kaka445 (Feb 22, 2021)

HAL said:


> That really sucks. It feels like a lot of the western world is becoming more hateful and right wing these days. I hope someday soon the madness will end.


i hope so too !


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## impulsenine (Oct 18, 2020)

My opinion: it takes some time for an NT to learn to express their emotions. Until he learns to open up emotionally. Until he learns to trust his emotions. Until they learn to have fun on their own. Until he learns to accept them, to display them, to express them openly. This is all even more difficult for a woman, because NT women are rarer and more misunderstood and there is a discrepancy between the expectations of "society" from them and what they have to offer. 

And it takes a while for the person who wants "access" to reach them. 

This is where INTP comes in. Which she also has to learn this lesson. She is very young. 

Usually this stuff is learned with "maturation". 

At 18, I thought expressing emotions was for whiny feelers and that only leads to showing "vulnerabilities" which could be exploited. 

In the meantime, I came to believe that not expressing emotions is for ... stubborn people. Or ignorant. Or who have not yet discovered the "key" to such a thing.

The idea is that: with open communication you should solve.
It is not so easy to reach the intimacy of a rational (NT), especially in youth (when they are closer in themselves than when they mature mentally, emotionally). 

An INTP, like any rational (NT) loves physical contact. It just takes a while to get access to it. For an INTP in youth it takes quite a long time to open. She needs security, trust. She needs to analyze you like hell and make it clear that you are "serious". 

When it comes to a rational or an INTP in particular: do not believe the appearances. We can act exactly the opposite of what interests us. 
For example, when I was a teenager I did not pay attention at all to the girls I liked (instead I paid attention to some who did not like at all), but in secret: I fucked them in my mind and I had a child with every one of them. 

An INTP makes many scenarios in his head until he can live them. 

You can't even imagine how much this girl has done with you (in her imagination) if she really likes you. Probably sex in all possible places, possibly about 2 children already. 

(Lol. I did it before. Even when I was 16. With 32 years old teacher. Yep, only imagination.)

Also INTP (especially girls) tends to befriend someone and gradually "evolve" from friendship to ... further. 

Don't throw themselves from the start into something they're not sure about (because they still don't know you well enough and don't know if there might be something serious between you). 

Maybe she's still insecure. 

I say communicate openly. Ask her honestly. 

If you don't solve anything, don't waste time. It may be an incompatibility and there is no point in compromising.


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## Kaka445 (Feb 22, 2021)

impulsenine said:


> My opinion: it takes some time for an NT to learn to express their emotions. Until he learns to open up emotionally. Until he learns to trust his emotions. Until they learn to have fun on their own. Until he learns to accept them, to display them, to express them openly. This is all even more difficult for a woman, because NT women are rarer and more misunderstood and there is a discrepancy between the expectations of "society" from them and what they have to offer.
> 
> And it takes a while for the person who wants "access" to reach them.
> 
> ...


haha thank you


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## islandlight (Aug 13, 2013)

As has been said, it probably has little to do with being INTP.


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

The INTPs males that I've been with had no difficulty with physical touch. The INTP females that I've been friends with, have primarily been fine with physical touch. The only one that wasn't had been molested as a child. Perhaps she's experienced trauma?


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## Dezir (Nov 25, 2013)

Kaka445 said:


> Hi there, I'm an esfp and I'm dating an intp girl. We are still working on our relationship because it's hard for me to get along with her because of how different our personalities are. But, there is one thing I want to ask about today.
> Do intps even like physical contact? I know it's silly because it depends on a person, but we were friends since 2018 and then there was no problems with that, she was showing affection and liked cuddling etc. But the more serious our relationship became, paradoxically, she avoided physical contact more and more, and teased me so much that it made me feel sad more than once. We've talked many times about me feeling unloved and rejected. We broke up then because of it because I couldn't stand being treated so badly for wanting to show her affection. I stopped believing that she loved me at all. After two years, we are now in a relationship again, she has changed a bit, but still very often she does everything to make it look like she doesn't like me, unless the conversation is very serious. It looks like she has no physical interest in me, nor does she like any touch. Even so, if she just wants to hug by herself, she does. I asked her many things directly, and she always told me that she was not asexual, nor aromantic, and had no problem with touch in any form, and that she liked me both physically and as a person. T*hen what's the problem for her to show affection and not treat me like just a friend*? I know she has problems with it but I can't find any source of this problem, from what she told me there is no reason. She seems to like touch and cares about showing me her feelings somehow, but she does it very occasionally. As an esfp, I just feel a strong need to meet, hug, talk to the person I care about often, she doesn't, but she was the one who asked me to re-enter the relationship and assured me that she wanted to be with me to be and that she loves me. The fact is that we are young because we are 18 years old, but sometimes I have the impression that because of such diametrical differences our relationship will fall apart again, which we both would not want. Any thoughts?


Teasing is a form of showing affection, you can only tease people that you are very familar with. And such, in a weird way, teasing is a way of meaning the opposite of what you say, it's a form of affection. When you tease someone it shows or at least tries to imply that you two are very close. Beside, teasing is also fun when done well, but when the other person gets sad or upset because of this, like you did, it's probably teasing not done well, because teasing has to be non-offensive. Teasing has to be about something clearly false, something they don't care about or something momentarily in order not to be offensive. On the other hand if you would make fun of something clearly true, that they care about or that is permanent, that would be easily offensive to almost anyone. If the teasing isn't taken well, then the teasing was bad regardless whether the teasing was objectively good or bad, you got to mold yourself on other people, be malleable, not everyone takes teasing as well as you do.

At the end of the day teasing is one form of a non-serious ironic discussion. So even if her teasing was offensive at least you should appreciate the fact that she had good intentions. Teasing has to be used very carefully, basically you point something out about a person and you make fun of it. You have to be very careful about teasing people because it can easily come off as offensive. The key here is to have good intentions behind the joke. If you say something with the intentions to offend someone they will be offended. You also want to make sure you built a certain level of comfort with the person before making a joke like this. And for the daring that want to skip this step, don't expect it to work every single time. The purpose is to entertain the other person and be taken well, not make them feel bad.

There is a slight superiority in teasing. Or implication of lack of importance for them. Teasing is faked arrogance. Don't be arrogant, but you can fake it with teasing. You can be a bit insistent in teasing as long as the insisting is playful and the other person also laughs.

You can make stereotypes or point out the obvious. Optionally, you can tease people indirectly, be subtle, let the conclusion be formed, but it's usually on the face. Teasing can take the form of exaggerations and such, take things to their extreme conclusion, so extreme it's obvious it's wrong. Make jokes about having an proper/improper, normal/abnormal or moral/immoral behavior. It's very important to make sure that they can take a joke. The problem is with crossing the line, because you can never know when you have crossed the line until after you've crossed it. Problem is where you draw this line and where others draw this line can be very different. Not everyone takes teasing as well as you do. People won't always tell you when you've made them feel bad or upset them, you got to feel yourself how you make other people feel. They might not react to you, but may be upset deep inside.

There is always the possibility that people may be offended by your teasing but won't tell you. In this case, you can ask them directly: Do my jokes offend you? If they do, please tell me, I don't want to offend you but sometimes I may cross the line without being aware of it. They may appreciate the gesture and will understand that your real intention is to have fun with one another, that you don't mean to offend them.

Teasing is a way of showing affection because usually you only tease the people you like and feel comfortable with. You can afford teasing with each other. So if she's teasing you, she probably likes you and that's her way of saying it. That's her love language. As someone once said in a more or less ironic way _"my love language is telling jokes at your expense that are so progressively more inappropiate until I cross a line and have to apologize"_. That might be the case for her.

If her teasing wasn't entertaining for you and you couldn't take it then I'd say it's on her, she should have been more aware about your feelings, or at least asked if you if you are offended by her teasing, but at the same time, you can't deny the fact that she had good intentions at heart and she simply didn't know. That's just her love langauge, her way to show affection, yours might be the opposite.

I don't think she treats you just like a friend. The source of your problem is - communication. And I mean real talk, not just talk. What you talked to us right now, talk to her, tell her how you feel. Just be natural, let it flow. Give it on emotions. Have a discussion from the heart. If she cares about you, she will have that discussion too. You said _"unless the conversation is very serious"_ I believe that would be the case.

Talk about your love languages with each other, it's not that you might have different love languages, you do have different love languages.


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