# Had any experience with narcissts? How do you deal with them?



## Coonsy (Dec 22, 2010)

I have not read through all the responses closely, so I apologize if I'm repeating a lot.

First off, there is a LOT of material out there, including some good YouTube videos on how to ID and deal with a narcissist.

My father has NPD. Growing up, needless to say, our family was pretty dysfunctional. His anger and outbursts were downright scary (as in, scared for even our lives), when we finally moved out.

Because of growing up in that, I _thought_ I was pretty well guarded against their tricks and games.

I have recently found out that was not entirely the case, as my last boyfriend, a poorly adjusted ISFJ also displays many narcisstic behaviors. When I finally started to get sick of his shit and started to resist and stand up for myself, he started to distance himself and within a month completely ghosted me. It sucked, I can't lie, but there are a few things I've learned from this experience.

1) Not all narcissists appear the same - but their underlying functions, and how they operate, are going to be the same.
2) Red flags can be masked or overlooked if the narcissist is doing a great job of using your natural weaknesses/empathy against you.
3) They are attracted to otherwise strong individuals - they are ultimately looking for someone who can "take care" of them (but you'll never be able to do enough)
4) Unless you're also a narcissist, you're not going to beat them at their game. If you start to call them on their crap, or stand up to them, or play them back, they are simply going to turn and walk away. They are NOT going to stick around and play "who's going to win" if there's even a remote chance they won't be the winner.

The best way to deal with them? Walk away. Cut them out of your life, delete them off your social media, and figure out what about you made them target you. These are things you need to be aware of in future relationships.

"Emotional Blackmail" by Susan Forward is an excellent resource IMO. The book covers more minor blackmail up to full on narcissistic behaviors, but she does a great job of helping the "victim" learn how NOT to be a victim.

Needless to say, I'm rereading the book again.

If you've been in a relationship with a narcissist, getting out and walking away can be dramatically heart wrenching, and it's doubly frustrating because you also know just how unhealthy the relationship was - yet you're sad to see it go. That is SO frustrating, but understanding WHY helps a lot IMO.

You have to be honest with yourself. There's a reason a narcissist not only targeted you to begin with, but why you didn't end things far earlier. The good news is, you can protect yourself from repeating those mistakes


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## Amyra (Sep 20, 2018)

@Catandroid @Coonsy thank you!


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## Catandroid (Jul 9, 2018)

I do not doubt your ability to assess someone's type even though you are still a generation z person but perhaps your boyfriend was in fact an ISTJ since Si and Ni can operate in similar fashion.

I do not underestimate ISTJs. For instance, Tim Cook (Apple's CEO) is an ISTJ and I know a software engineer who told me he was an INTJ, but I realized he is in fact an ISTJ. 

As per Personalitymax:
ISTJ male: 10.5%
INTJ male: 2.5%

There is an essay called “Ni, Si, and Self-Delusion,” that won 3rd prize in the CelebrityTypes essay contest. So, Si/Fi can also be looping in the same way as Ni/Fi.

Dario Nardi defines Ni like this:

_Basic (Passive) Use: Receive "ah-ha" insights and realizations. Developed (Active) Use: *Pursue a greater level of awareness to transform who you are and how you think*._
_Transforming with a meta-perspective. Withdrawing from the world and focusing your mind to receive an insight or realization. *Checking if synergy results. Trying out a realization to transform things.*_

For instance, I own more than 2000 books (ebooks, audiobooks, etc..). Most I which I will never have time to read cover to cover in my life. Some of them I've never read cover to cover but I've used them to transform myself.

Dario Nardi defines Si like this:

_Basic (Passive) Use: Recall tangible data and experiences. Developed (Active) Use: *Stabilize a situation by comparing it to what is expected, known and reliable*._
_Stabilizing with a predictable standard. *Carefully comparing a situation to the customary ways you’ve come to rely on*. Checking with past experiences. Stabilizing a situation and invest for future security.
_
If someone presents himself as an NT while he is in fact an SJ you are more likely to regard him as a pink alligator:



Amyra said:


> But I want to ask one thing.
> If there is a single procedure.. lets suppose 'A'..which is being repeated for about more than twice a day, and for around 1.5 years... which is necessary and urgent for me..which is causing me stress every second.. and he knows it all. I had questioned it almost everday to him but still at the end it feels that he never understood 'A'.
> What does it mean?
> Its not about illogical side right?


ISTJs are more compatible with INFPs than INTPs since they have more functions oriented in the same way.


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## Amyra (Sep 20, 2018)

Catandroid said:


> I do not doubt your ability to assess someone's type even though you are still a generation z person but perhaps your boyfriend was in fact an ISTJ since Si and Ni can operate in similar fashion.
> 
> I do not underestimate ISTJs. For instance, Tim Cook (Apple's CEO) is an ISTJ and I know a software engineer who told me he was an INTJ, but I realized he is in fact an ISTJ.
> 
> ...


You might be correct. But I was confirmed about his inferior Se. He looks more like an immature INFP because his Te isn't that developed. 

I also made him read the niami quenk's excerpt on inferior Se. All things matched. (But I have a doubt here -> he might have lied to me. Now I don't believe him. So may be you are right.)

All the time his focus was "That we are both NTs so we will suit each other. Others wont suit us. We are best for each other" and ol and ol and ol....... He emphasized such things a lot almost all the time. * So yes, he might have lied to me about his being an INTJ. *
Covert narcissists do this. They make you believe that they are a perfect match for you. 

Thanks again!


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## Catandroid (Jul 9, 2018)

Amyra said:


> You might be correct. But I was confirmed about his inferior Se. He looks more like an immature INFP because his Te isn't that developed.
> 
> I also made him read the niami quenk's excerpt on inferior Se. All things matched. (But I have a doubt here -> he might have lied to me. Now I don't believe him. So may be you are right.)
> 
> ...


Oh I see that was his pitch!

By definition with a covert narcissists is that "once the honeymoon is gone" they are unable to love you back. So at the end of the day they really only love themselves. 

It's really important to be able to spot them and move on as you did :


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