# Tell me About Empathy



## ZC Carbon (Jun 11, 2010)

First off, I do not experience empathy, nor do I show it to others. I believe there was a time I did, but it was a long time ago. I do not remember the exact reasoning why I stopped, but it was based on something toxic. I've lost a lot of friendships to this, people assumed I was acting out of my ego, regardless of if I actually was or not. In my own research on communicating with people and other people singling me out as of late, I keep seeing the trait refered to as empathy. I started mimicking it, flat out lieing to test the water. It works, for whatever reason.

Could someone enlighten me with examples?

I do not know if this is related to a mental disorder in my head. I am an OCD sufferer, and supposedly OCD sufferers have issues with the chemical serotonin. As I gather, empathy is related to serotonin.


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## ENTrePenuer (Jun 12, 2010)

Stop thinking so hard.

You're an a-hole, if it works for you embrace it.
Empathy isn't big for your type, especially as you grow older.

Go ahead and pretend, that's what %90 of people are doing anyway.
A function society is built on pretense so don't feel bad you're just doing what everyone is doing.


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## myjazz (Feb 17, 2010)

Are you asking for examples of Empathy?


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## Clonester (Aug 9, 2010)

I actually was reading a definition of empathy yesterday: “The capacity for participation in another’s feelings or ideas.” It's very necessary in friendships and relationships. I guess it sucks not having it. Not that it really affects you per se, but you are affected by the results (lost friendships).

I'm not sure if you are looking to build empathy or not, but listening to others and trying to understand how they thing and what they need is a good start.


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## DarklyValentine (Mar 4, 2010)

Something about evil advanced alien races and wickedness.
With kirk showing them em there errors (usually done through the medium of him slobbering anything in a skirt) of their rabbied-up addled minds & some morals about compassion or was it common sense.

_The Empath -Star Trek (oi the original) Season 3 episode 8_


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## Angel1412kaitou (Mar 30, 2010)

Oh, it's okay, I know what you mean!


^ "empathy"


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## susurration (Oct 22, 2009)

ZC Carbon said:


> First off, I do not experience empathy, nor do I show it to others. I believe there was a time I did, but it was a long time ago. I do not remember the exact reasoning why I stopped, but it was based on something toxic. I've lost a lot of friendships to this, people assumed I was acting out of my ego, regardless of if I actually was or not. In my own research on communicating with people and other people singling me out as of late, I keep seeing the trait refered to as empathy. I started mimicking it, flat out lieing to test the water. It works, for whatever reason.
> 
> Could someone enlighten me with examples?
> 
> I do not know if this is related to a mental disorder in my head. I am an OCD sufferer, and supposedly OCD sufferers have issues with the chemical serotonin. As I gather, empathy is related to serotonin.


The thing with empathy, is that you have to be in someway attached to the object in order to empathise with it. What I mean by this, is that you're not going to try to be empathetic if you don't give a fuck and it means nothing to you, right? in order to be empathetic you have to care to some degree about the person and the feelings you're trying to relate to. It's cyclical, because while caring leads to empathy, empathy also results in caring. 

What is your understanding of "empathy" and to what extent do you experience it if at all?


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## teddy564339 (Jun 23, 2010)

Nova said:


> The thing with empathy, is that you have to be in someway attached to the object in order to empathise with it. What I mean by this, is that you're not going to try to be empathetic if you don't give a fuck and it means nothing to you, right? in order to be empathetic you have to care to some degree about the person and the feelings you're trying to relate to. It's cyclical, because while caring leads to empathy, empathy also results in caring.


I definitely agree with this, first of all.


To me, empathy is the act of "putting yourself in someone else's shoes". When I use empathy, I try my best not to assume anything about someone else I hear it directly from them.

For example, let's say someone was late to something. My first initial reaction might be "Geez, I was on time, this person wasn't...they must be lazy, they must not value my time, they should have more respect." But, when my empathy kicks in, I start thinking of all of the different reasons why they might have been late. Maybe usually on the road they travel there's no traffic, but this time there happened to be a car accident that held up traffic and made them late, something I couldn't have expected them to anticipate. Or maybe they got into an argument with their SO. Or maybe they couldn't find their keys. 

In that case, I think about how bad I would feel if something like that happened to me and then someone assumed that I was intentionally being lazy or rude. I would never want someone to feel that way about me, so I do my best not to feel that way about someone else.


If I'm discussing an issue or a problem with someone, the way I show empathy is by totally ignoring my own take and opinion about it and just *listen*. I let them talk without interrupting, and I don't think about what I'm going to say in response. I focus on what they're saying, not what's wrong with it, not how to improve it, I just listen to their point of view. I try to remove all of my own thoughts and pretend like I'm them. I try to understand who they really are and *why* they believe what they do. I don't try to add to their knowledge or teach them anything...I just want to understand them.


I think ISFJ's and INFJ's are two of the best types at showing empathy, IMO (Even though I've read it's an Fi thing more than an Fe thing...but I don't know, I'm clearly an ISFJ and I think I'm very empathetic). In an ISFJ's case the problem is we're *too* empathetic. That's why we get taken advantage of so much and why we're taken for granted...we go out of our way to give people the benefit of the doubt, to help people, and to make them happy/understand them. 

So keep in mind, if overdone, empathy can be a bad thing. You can be manipulated, abused and tricked by people who don't care about your kindness or good nature. Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is not to be empathetic in order to help them or make them improve.

Of course, I don't think an ISTP, or any thinker for that matter, will have as much trouble with that. To me, that's another example of trying to find a a balance between thinking and feeling...there are times when it's best to be hard on people to improve them, and a time when it's best to cut people some slack so they'll trust you and be willing to learn from you.


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## ZC Carbon (Jun 11, 2010)

Thank you for your responses, this puts an end to a mystery I've been wondering about. It seems I am capable of displaying empathy after all, but I refuse to do it if it remains untrue to myself or others. Perhaps I am only an asshole because too much of the population is pretentious?


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## Matchbook (Jul 8, 2010)

ZC Carbon said:


> First off, I do not experience empathy, nor do I show it to others. I believe there was a time I did, but it was a long time ago. I do not remember the exact reasoning why I stopped, but it was based on something toxic. I've lost a lot of friendships to this, people assumed I was acting out of my ego, regardless of if I actually was or not. In my own research on communicating with people and other people singling me out as of late, I keep seeing the trait refered to as empathy. I started mimicking it, flat out lieing to test the water. It works, for whatever reason.
> 
> Could someone enlighten me with examples?
> 
> I do not know if this is related to a mental disorder in my head. I am an OCD sufferer, and supposedly OCD sufferers have issues with the chemical serotonin. As I gather, empathy is related to serotonin.


ZC Carbon, no matter what others may say, empathy is an important trait for any MBTI type to develop. It's a strange notion to think that because someone fits a certain MBTI type that somehow they have no need to develop certain socially and personally-advantageous traits. 

Empathy is one of the most important parts of both love and trust. When you can empathize with someone, they are more likely to trust you, because you show a capacity to understand who they are and what they are experiencing. Because of that, groundwork is laid for love, whether friendship love or relationship love.

To develop empathy, try this: think of some things in your life that have caused you serious pain, and narrow it to one particular example that stands out to you. Now, think of what it was like to go through that; the pain, the confusion, fear, or whatever was involved. As you think of this, consider how others experience pain just like you do...the hurt you've felt, others have to go through that, too. After this, visualize someone in the same situation as you. See the same feelings of hurt that you experienced being experienced by this person as you visualize, and think about how you are relating to this person because of it. 

You are both human, you both know hurt, and neither of you wants to hurt. Consider how when you are experiencing pain or difficulty and someone else understands you or what you are going through, how that helps bolster your spirit and reduce the pain sometimes (unless you have barriers that you shun people with). Think about how you appreciate that, and then think about how you could appreciate giving that experience to others.

In the real world, when you see someone that is, for example, being cut down by someone else's words, think about how those words would affect you if they were directed at you. Recognizing those feelings is a part of the empathy. But the most important part of empathy is to give it. With the person who is being cut down, if you were to stand up for them and point out their merit and the malefactor's error, your defense of the victim communicates to them that you care and that you understand. And if you were to tell them that you know what it's like to have people being rude and critiical, and tell them not to let it get them down, you are communicating empathy.

Ultimately, empathy requires a person to take their concern away from self and to put it toward others. What enables that is partly your personal experience that helps you relate, but to turn it into a selfless empathy for others requires choice, will power. If you feel like you are lacking concern for others, petition God, who is the source of selflessness and love. Our natural instinct is self-preservation, and we support our clan only if by doing so it helps support or bolster us. Empathy with pure and unselfish motives is not of ourselves, and it takes time for _anyone_ to empathize in a truly selfless way. We start off with mixed motives, but with the persistence and cooperation with the influence of divine help, I believe we begin to experience true selflessness. Please allow me to tell you why I believe this. God can empathize with us, Christ, who is the physical form of God, came to the earth to experience everything human suffers with, including death, except without disobedience. So in the Bible there is a verse that shines with empathy, and is a pattern to strive for. Hebrews 4:14-16 -_ Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need._


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## ENTrePenuer (Jun 12, 2010)

ZC Carbon said:


> Thank you for your responses, this puts an end to a mystery I've been wondering about. It seems I am capable of displaying empathy after all, but I refuse to do it if it remains untrue to myself or others. Perhaps I am only an asshole because too much of the population is pretentious?


Now you're learning.


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## kaycee (May 18, 2010)

Aspergers Syndrome is a form of high functioning autism.


A key feature of the disease is an inability to read social cues and limited ability to feel empathy.


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## Matchbook (Jul 8, 2010)

kaycee said:


> Aspergers Syndrome is a form of high functioning autism.
> 
> 
> A key feature of the disease is an inability to read social cues and limited ability to feel empathy.


Another thing is schizoid personality disorder which exhibits little interest in close social connections and limits ability to experience empathy.


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## kaycee (May 18, 2010)

Matchbook said:


> Another thing is schizoid personality disorder which exhibits little interest in close social connections and limits ability to experience empathy.


True, but people with SPD don't want personal relationships. The OP seems like he would like to understand how to be more empathetic in order to be able to hold better relationships.


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## alionsroar (Jun 5, 2010)

I think empathy is imagining or having an understanding of how the other person is feeling.

I disagree with empathising by imagining up bad feelings since Fi is your kryptonite 8th function. 

Better to empathise by getting more facts about how someone is feeling by listening to what they say and seeing how they react to things and act from a place of logic: disregarding people's feelings makes them annoyed at you


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