# Extremly depressed and exhausted



## Space Cat (Nov 20, 2010)

I've never wrote here before.

I wrote this on my FB status recently:

The feeling of loneliness had been overwhelming lately. I have no one, no support but friends online.
You're all I have but I don't really know how much longer can I continue with this after all that has happened. I'm not strong as you think I am. I tired, but I cannot do this anymore. Ill die slowly as long as I'm here. I've given up completely. Sorry to disappoint. I know some of you made me promise but I really can't do it anymore. I don't know what's going to happen to me from here on end but I don't care anymore.
Sorry once again.. And no, this is not a suicide note.. Not yet anyways...

I wrote this in my blog (for more info)


So i'm basically alone right now. Been through all this shit in life and i'm EXTREMELY EXHAUSTED right now. My faith of humanity is gone, my hope is gone my goals and dreams are all gone...
I'm extremely depressed and all of these things are killing me. Recently, i've been getting flashbacks of things that happened to me when i was young. I've never got things like this before but it's happening now.

I can't afford to go for therapy or something. I tried before and it didn't work. I need a support system especially IRL but i can't get it here either. I've been so isolated all my life and most people i knew were toxic who hurt and back stabbed me. I've tried to make friends but that didn't work out as well. I usually make friends online and that works for me best but most of my close friends are halfway across the world from me. I even tried to get into dating (i know) which turned out to be one of the worst experiments ever. Most of them want a relationship or something when i'm not ready for it without knowing them yet. I prefer things to develop out of friendship/social situations so that i feel more comfortable. I've spend years trying to rebuild my life and social circle but it's not going well. I'm deprived from hugs, the human touch and socialising.
I'm living in a country that i don't belong and living here will also be the death of me. I have to get out of here and live in nature. It energises me. I conceived a dream with my online BFF for many years that we would go to Colorado, live there and smoke weed (she has glaucoma and yes, she's my mom's age)
One friend told me to take things one step at a time but i can't walk or climb anymore. I'm so exhausted, i don't know why i feel this way but i do and i don't really care.


So i tried to be rational about this.
I have some 'silver linings' and solutions...
If things goes well, i might move in with a friend (which i haven't met, but maybe tomorrow.. ) and some other people. I might have some room mates and won't be so lonely. Thing is i don't know if i can afford it (although he offered to help) and this is just an idea for now. The place that i'm living in now is filthy and gross.. i guess i'm OCD but i can't stand to see roaches running around, it makes me want to puke. Thankfully, my room is clean and smells great. Everyday is a battle for me to get out there and once i'm out of that house, i'm so relieved. Just the toilet itself scares me.
I might have to endure this (plus sleeping on the floor - at least i have a mattress) for month and a half or so, and i'll still be broke by then due to the things i have to owe, pay up, etc - plus moving to the new place...

One thing that is keeping me alive is work. I work in a school and the kids here are really young, like 7ish years old and its not a great thing for a kid that age to find out that someone who taught them committed suicide.
Another is my online friends and people who made me promise to stay alive.
Lastly is mafia.. i know, of all things. It keeps my brain strategizing and for some reason, that works.
I'm going to even try to go for a meditation class this sun. I'm still trying, i don't know how i am, but i still am...

And there are a few things i need to do before i die at least.

Upload all my art into my art blog
Finish writing my mafia game
Finish writing my novel (yes... i'm supposed to do that and i haven't...)

So yeah, like i said. I'm trying but i don't really know how much longer can i go on like this and i've ran out of strength. I've thrown the white flag and i'm so done with life, seriously. Too many things happened and it's too traumatising. I can't take it. I know i don't deserve it and i deserve better but i'm still stuck in this hell hole and this isolation that is driving me to the edge.

What would make me happy/help is:

Having a good support system. - I have a few good friends, mostly online, but they mean the world to me. I'm hoping to make new trustworthy friends.
Someone to take care of me. - Like seriously, maybe it's because i'm too exhausted and i never knew what it's like to be loved (yes, in that way) and that hasn't been going well although i know these things take time but it seems leak
To get out of here. - This will not only make me feel alive but bring a whole new strength and vitality in me.

I'm being very honest with all of this and i'm not afraid to admit it. I know what i want and i'm doing what i can do but this is why i'm posting here because i can't do this alone. I'm very lost and i don't really know what to do anymore because i've *tried everything *as much as i can... Or maybe i haven't. Which is why i'm here. Maybe there are options, i don't know...

But mostly it's because i cannot do this alone anymore and i'm hoping to find some support, of all places, maybe even here. Because getting online makes me happy and i'm hoping there could be some hope here.. I've made some good/trustworthy friends here, and hoping to find more if possible...


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## donkeybals (Jan 13, 2011)

I mean, making online friends, is cool and everything -> but the thing is they aren't really "there", so you may have built a solid support team online, but if you get into trouble, they can't really do anything for you. So my recommendation, would be to seek out people and try to transition out of being used to online support.

Also, keep seeking out things that you like, it sounds like you have the right plan man, it's just a matter of doing it. And doing it, isn't always easy but if you don't take risks at all, you don't gain much....


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## cue5c (Oct 12, 2011)

@CeresZal

I have more I'm going to say, but I need to get sleep. The most important thing to realize is that if you kill yourself it is permanent. This is not a terrible thing, but wouldn't you at least want to try everything you could first? And by that I mostly mean moving. Your surroundings change who you interact and view the world. If you're not in a place where that's possible you need to be somewhere else. 

Grrr, I don't want to sleep right now, but I can barely stay awake. Just know I'm thinking about you for now and will get back tomorrow evening, most likely.


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## Simplify (Oct 25, 2010)

I couldn't help but see this on the front page. Hang in there, @_CeresZal_; You, too, have my support, for all the hard tea it's worth.

Hundreds of times, you're gonna have hung in, and you may say each time "What the Hell was the point?" Hundreds of times, regret. Hundreds you're going to wonder why you even _spoke_ regret. But, one fine day, day 101, you'll never believe that you're going to be damn glad you did. 

It's gonna beat the years and what you think of your reflection. Instead, may you look at yourself and see your students' pious, beaming faces. And it's gonna beat the appeal of death. Then, I hope you'll never want to die again, and especially in the way you want to die now.

A brilliant gentleman I used to know, fell madly in love with, and never cared for as a person- once left an impression on me: "If you're going through Hell, keep going." Twenty was the first time I ever heard it.

My humble opinion: To drift, or to drag, we do not live to reach a destination. All for what? The only answer: 'Well, why _not_?' 

Continue with us.


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## Space Cat (Nov 20, 2010)

donkeybals said:


> I mean, making online friends, is cool and everything -> but the thing is they aren't really "there", so you may have built a solid support team online, but if you get into trouble, they can't really do anything for you. So my recommendation, would be to seek out people and try to transition out of being used to online support.
> 
> Also, keep seeking out things that you like, it sounds like you have the right plan man, it's just a matter of doing it. And doing it, isn't always easy but if you don't take risks at all, you don't gain much....


I'm aware of that which is an area i'm actually having problems with. I've spent a year trying to make RL friends and i've made a few, don't get me wrong.. but still not the one who can actually be there for me. At the end of the day, i still get more support from my online friends then RL.
Yes, i've been procrastinating but i'm also trying various different things.


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## donkeybals (Jan 13, 2011)

CeresZal said:


> I'm aware of that which is an area i'm actually having problems with. I've spent a year trying to make RL friends and i've made a few, don't get me wrong.. but still not the one who can actually be there for me. At the end of the day, i still get more support from my online friends then RL.
> Yes, i've been procrastinating but i'm also trying various different things.


Well, I mean, try to look for someone who wants to be there for others... You know the ones who really like being there for people... also, if someone is there for you, you should be there for them.


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## Sina (Oct 27, 2010)

*hug* Hang in there. I know what you're going through is very difficult, and I know you're a very strong woman. You have overcome a lot, and you will overcome this too. I promise. You want to be freed from suffering, pain and hopelessness, not from life. Please remember this. It's not death or "giving up on it all" that you're seeking; it's relief, hope, companionship and love. You deserve all this, and you will find all this, one day at a time. You never know when life may surprise you. Some of my closest friends bumped into me when I least expected it. Online and IRL (think about the children who adore you, for example), there are people who care for you, value you and have faith in your potential to overcome anything that comes your way. What I am saying may not be easy to believe, but how you're feeling will change. These feelings are temporary. That you're coming out and sharing you're going through all this is a positive sign. You're looking for comfort, which is a step in the right direction. 

I need you to get some help irl. There must a crisis helpline where you live. It's important for you to see a mental health professional, so you can get the help and support you definitely need at this time. I know you think none of this will help, but I assure you, you'll feel a lot better after getting proper assistance irl, even if previous experience makes you think otherwise. This is, like I said, very important. 

And yes, keep the Stockdale Paradox in mind. Here's something that reminded me of you when I read it this morning:

“A happy life consists not in the absence, but in the mastery of hardships.” - Helen Keller

FB message me anytime.


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## eclecticbill (Jan 11, 2013)

My heart does go out to you and _I do know it's difficult!_ 

As a veteran I am being compensated at 70% for major depression and also have panic disorder with agoraphobia (uncompensated as you can only be compensated for a single mental disorder) and some anxiety disorders.

I have the advantage of VA resources though (just received authorization for non-VA therapy in my area so I don't have to travel); I would suggest contacting your county, there may be some sliding scale help available, varying by income.

As far as having an online support system: if that's what you have, that's what you have, take what you can. Many people don't realize the benefit of that when you don't have the benefit of face time support.

I have two friends in real life and zero online. I have made some in-game friends but after weeks of not playing due to depression I abandon the games to avoid the inevitable questions when I get back...[insert all my problems kicking in].

I am not trying to hijack your thread and am not asking for sympathy or responses; just saying: if I can hold it together (questionably if you ask my friends) so can you. And I must repeat my original thought: check your county resources and see what they can do.\

One of my favorite songs when I was a young teen was from ELO and to quote: "Accroches-toi a ton reve"; hold on tight to your dreams.

Also, here one of my all-time favorite song that might sooth and steel your nerves


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## EbonyTigger (Apr 13, 2012)

If you need an online friend to talk to one on one please don't hesitate to message me @CeresZal *hugs*


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## firedell (Aug 5, 2009)

I've been in a similar situation, and I'm somewhat still in the position. It became to a point where I gave no hooters about myself, and I just wallowed around. 

I know having online friends isn't the same as having someone you can physically see, but it helped me to have someone to talk to about my problems. And there is a whole community on the Internet who are in a similar boat - trust me. What helped me, was knowing this: You are not alone. People have gone through it and survived, so why can't I?

I found a community of people on Tumblr, who helped each other through mutual understanding and just generally being supportive. But you can find people like this anywhere. 

You can get past this, in time. Talking about it, and admitting to it, is a great step forward. You just need some life changes to help you. It helped me even I bought new clothes, got a new hairstyle ect: just little things. I then felt reasonable enough to take a chance on a new class. Making that decision was the best thing for me. It had me interacting with new people, and making myself more sociable. I honestly hadn't been in contact with anybody for a whole year; apart from people online. Now, I'm at uni - I've still got a very short circle of people I speak to, but it's better than none.

Put yourself out there in some way. If you feel confident enough, take that chance in a community hobby of some kind.

If you need someone to talk to, I'm here and there are plenty of others who will take the time to listen.


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## Space Cat (Nov 20, 2010)

Nominal Code said:


> A brilliant gentleman I used to know, fell madly in love with, and never cared for as a person- once left an impression on me: "If you're going through Hell, keep going." Twenty was the first time I ever heard it.


I remember this quote from churchill... 


donkeybals said:


> Well, I mean, try to look for someone who wants to be there for others... You know the ones who really like being there for people... also, if someone is there for you, you should be there for them.


That's the type of people i've been trying to find for but it's incredibly hard to find friends like these.. _especially_ IRL in my case for some reason :/


firedell said:


> I found a community of people on Tumblr, who helped each other through mutual understanding and just generally being supportive. But you can find people like this anywhere.


I've been on tumblr but couldn't find any friends/community there but i'm glad you've managed to find them. And i would love to talk and get to know your situation better too. It would help to know that i'm not alone ^.^

Thanks for the comment dearest @_cue5c_ and @_eclecticbill_  <3
@_Boss_ and @_midnightstar_
I truly would love an online friend, especially from perC but i have no idea how to contact you guys.. 


* *




http://www.facebook.com/DarthCeresZal 

My insanity
:blushed::blushed::blushed:


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## yet another intj (Feb 10, 2013)

Don't socialize to make friends on purpose. Stop idealizing every single person with unhealthy expectations. Just be yourself and keep moving, you will eventually find your soulmate(s) when you least expect it. It's simple, just hang in there and survive. Don't even think about anything stupid just because you are feeling hopeless right now. You are young and creative enough to transform your grief and solitude into artistic motivation.


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## bluekitdon (Dec 19, 2012)

I would suggest trying to find a few local community groups to join. Just getting out around people that have similar interests may help. A crisis hotline may also be helpful, many times they can point you to free resources in your area.


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## LiquidCool (Feb 26, 2011)

CeresZal said:


> I've never wrote here before.
> 
> ...
> 
> ...


I suppose it depends on where you are and how things align with your work schedule, but...have you tried Meetup.com to find some groups of interest? Or somehow finding a small group that meets weekly? Or perhaps moving to a different location and starting over?

The big thing is making the effort to place yourself in a favorable situation - which is likely going to be a smaller group for a more introverted individual or a quieter individual.

Another alternative would be to consider picking up an interest in board games, a popular trading card game, or a role-playing game and finding a place to play. Usually you can find a place that hosts Magic: The Gathering or Pokemon (or Yu-gi-oh) tournaments or some people looking to play D&D. Again, it's an just alternative to make the first step a little easier (creating an interaction with others).

And even then, it will probably still take some time. Just don't give up hope and don't quit trying.

Hope that helps a little.


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## Space Cat (Nov 20, 2010)

yet another intj said:


> Don't socialize to make friends on purpose. Stop idealizing every single person with unhealthy expectations. Just be yourself and keep moving, you will eventually find your soulmate(s) when you least expect it. It's simple, just hang in there and survive. Don't even think about anything stupid just because you are feeling hopeless right now. You are young and creative enough to transform your grief and solitude into artistic motivation.


As i wrote, its' definitely not something i'm going to do on a whim. I don't idealise relationships. I realise i actually like being alone but i'm lacking a support system IRL. I have no parents, no relatives, no friends, nothing and that is scary as hell.
I do have a few friends here and there. Most of my close friends are online.
Yes, i'm actually trying to get back to my creative stuff. It's taking a while, i'm still working on healing myself here.



LiquidCool said:


> I suppose it depends on where you are and how things align with your work schedule, but...have you tried Meetup.com to find some groups of interest? Or somehow finding a small group that meets weekly? Or perhaps moving to a different location and starting over?
> 
> The big thing is making the effort to place yourself in a favorable situation - which is likely going to be a smaller group for a more introverted individual or a quieter individual.
> 
> ...


Yes i did join meetup.com and you've provided one of the best advice so far. Thanks for that.
I'll be going to a meetup today and i'm hoping to find more where i don't have to spend much as i'm broke.

If my situation improves, i suppose my depression might lessen even. Especially when i get the chance to move out of here.


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## Subtle Murder (May 19, 2012)

CeresZal said:


> I can't afford to go for therapy or something. I tried before and it didn't work. I need a support system especially IRL but i can't get it here either. I've been so isolated all my life and most people i knew were toxic who hurt and back stabbed me. I've tried to make friends but that didn't work out as well. I usually make friends online and that works for me best but most of my close friends are halfway across the world from me. I even tried to get into dating (i know) which turned out to be one of the worst experiments ever. Most of them want a relationship or something when i'm not ready for it without knowing them yet. I prefer things to develop out of friendship/social situations so that i feel more comfortable. I've spend years trying to rebuild my life and social circle but it's not going well. I'm deprived from hugs, the human touch and socialising.


You _do_ need a support system, that is true. This support system also has to include _yourself_ in it, though. That is something I learned the hard way. Your post resonates with me so much because I feel like you're writing from my past experiences (I used to be like you, but then I took an arrow to the knee - don't throw tomatoes ). I'd never had a support system. I didn't get support from my family, my mother, my friends - no one. I had to learn to rely on myself and it was fucking difficult. The only thing it taught me was to be strong, but sometimes that can be detrimental. It's okay to be weak, too. It's okay to feel lost and distraught, and not know what to do. This is where your support system is supposed to step in and pick you up. Until you can find a support system that suits your needs, _you_ need to be your support system. I know how hard it can be, but you have to give yourself permission to fall and get back up again. You're doing the right thing in maintaining an online blog and having connections with people over the Internet. I know those people aren't there in real life, but they're there in different ways. If I hadn't have had a blog/online journal for the duration of my teens, I am pretty sure I would have ended up hurting myself in a really bad way. Sometimes just being heard is all you need, and these people can provide it. Your support network in real life can provide you with opportunities to go out, have fun, share yourself, and move forward. That stuff is important too. Keep at it and eventually you'll find people who meet your needs. 

As for therapy, I know it's expensive.  That really sucks. I once said to a psychiatrist it was no wonder people killed themselves when they were charging ridiculous rates of $120 for a one hour session. Who the fuck can afford that? :\ But - and this probably won't help, as we likely don't live in the same country - I managed to find a counsellor for $90 an hour, and another counsellor for $15 an hour. I see both of them once a fortnight, and they're doing wonders. I've seen counsellors/therapists in the past who were absolute rubbish and a complete waste of time. It's a matter of finding someone who will provide you with the feedback you need. If you need someone to just listen while you ramble, tell them. If you need someone to listen and interject with questions or feedback, tell them that too. If you need someone who will see through your bullshit, call you out on it, and take proactive steps to get you up and out of your depression, tell them that also (the latter rocks!). Just... don't give up on therapy. I can't tell you how much it has helped me in these last four months (since I've picked it up again). I really believe it can help you too. You have a mind to move forward - you want to progress, but you're aware it could be a long process and be quite difficult to deal with. This is where therapy really helps because you can offload some of your burden to a person who is capable of handling it for you, then giving it back to you when you need to process it. Keep calling around and trying to find local services that cater to people with limited funds. I'm sure there is something out there if you persist. It took me a while to find my counsellors, but I'm glad I took the time to do it. 

*big hugs* to you. If you need to talk, feel free to PM me.


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## Nucky (Jan 27, 2012)

I can relate to a lot of what you have said. I haven't even worked at all in the longest time, and I fear I'll never be able to make a living for myself. I'm even been losing what few online friends I've had. So yeah, I definitely understand being lonely. I wish I could reach out and give you that hug. I'm another person you can talk to if you want someone to listen.


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## Space Cat (Nov 20, 2010)

@La Petite Sirène
I don't know if i've mentioned of being in the history of emotional abuse/manipulation. I get the most strength from my online friends then RL ones (because i don't have any RL ones doh) actually.
If i can afford therapy, i would go for it. Right now i just need to get a part time weekend job or something. The most affordable kind of therapy i can find clashes with my job. My job is the one that makes me happy.
I'm thinking of contacting the SOS people or something. Since the situation has got worse and suicidal thoughts had got worse as well.
I'll try to find for one. Thanks <3
@Nucky
I'm working in a good job now and i'm looking for a weekend job. Take little steps and don't give up job hunting, even if it's something as simple as working as a cashier. Just do it. I hope you get a job soon!

Ok, so i'm updating my situation. The suicidal tendencies had gone worse. I can't seem to fight them and i'm under its will. I don't see any future for me. I still see more struggling and all.
I had a few bad situations happened regarding my living condition and i was extremely suicidal because my personal safety was at stake. I've been feeling homeless for months. First by being disowned by my own family, then by living in a place which i didn't felt comfortable with.
The place is better now, it's cleaner and the bug condition had reduced. I've managed to find the courage to talk to the landlady about it. But then that one day, one of their relatives came in to cause problems and i was involved. I was so freaked out by it i just didn't want to come out of my room and stuff.

I've just contacted the SOS people here and i'll see if they have any ideas on where i can seek help. But at this point, i don't really feel that there would be any difference. It's not like i want to think or feel this way but i already do. So i'm not sure what to do or how to change it.
I think i need therapy.
Sometimes the thoughts are there, sometimes they're not. When they're not there, i don't think i need help. But when they're there, it's terrible.
I'm just so fucking sick and tired of crying, feeling extremely depressed and lonely. There are a few people talking to me and stuff but it isn't helping, i don't understand why. I was never like this before. Back then i was always able to fix myself and i've never talked like this. I've never been this direct with my suicidal thoughts but i am now.
I sometimes come up with plans on how to do it.
I won't just end it like that, i will leave notes and stuff especially since i have close friends online.

I guess having these thoughts are scary and i'm trying to find reasons worth living although my friends made me promise not to kill myself. I just can't seem to find the strength to carry on.
Idk if it has something to do with being a 9. I'm either numb or a zombie. My friends tell me that i'm strong but i'm not.
The funny thing is i love myself but why would i want to kill myself if i love myself? It's because i don't want to see myself struggle anymore if that makes sense.


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## Up and Away (Mar 5, 2011)

I just skimmed but I noticed you said you are alone?

Why not just message people and make friends. You could have messaged 10 people in the time it took you to write half of this!!!


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## VeraH (Mar 27, 2013)

Hi CeresZal,

Firstly, *hugs*.

Sorry to hear that you're feeling low. The advices of the previous posters are pretty solid.

What I've noticed is that most people generally are not receptive to "negative" moods/things/ideas, etc... and especially not to mental illness.

You reach out and they may recede. But it's a good filter system for finding out who your true friends are.

How long have you been feeling like this for?
Have you considered seeing your GP, they may be able to help? Or it's a good starting point, at least.

Regarding therapy, an aspect of it is to get you to see things from another standpoint, challenging your current views (negative thoughts, etc... if you have any). Perhaps, since you can't afford therapy, have you considered reading self-help books? It may also help if you come across something that relates to you, then you can say "aha" and figure things out from there.

All the best


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## Selene (Aug 2, 2009)

I just want to also give you a hug and flowers and bracelets and everything pretty under the sun. I hope that even if there are many unsafe people and places, there is still a place or time every so often where it is okay to be gentle with yourself and have yourself listening to you, taking care of you, and caring about what you feel. Hugging yourself with all of the hugs everyone on here wants to hug you with.

I feel like if Mafia has something about it that satisfies a part of you and feels creative and intellectually interesting, then even if that is only a makeshift abode, it's not to be undermined or called meaningless. Just like all of the people here are real people responding to you as a real person, even if only in response to text and by text, still there are people reading your words, being affected by them, and wanting to reach out. Even if nobody reads your tumblr, you can still have a beautiful place...you care about you, you care about what you feel. And maybe if you care about yourself and love yourself and wish yourself the best and are kind to yourself and have a beautiful space inside of you, then someday you can share that with someone else and shine warmly on them as well. Every little bit chips away, even if you're starting from nothing (or negative nothing) and it takes a long time.

But, that's something you can do--if you're crying, imagine there's a person in front of you crying, and take care of them. Write songs and poems for the people you want to give beautiful things to. Vindicate and express the part of you that has been devastated by other people's unkindness. Strategize plans for your future using your intellectual prowess.  etc. And what you're not crying, do stuff? I don't know.  I imagine it as a very complicated puzzle where every piece requires some other piece before you can use it. Crafty things for a creative, logically-fluent person to play with and toss around until little connections start to build here and there in pointillist clusters, and gradually the clusters combine and begin to form a picture? (Hehe...) I mean, I figure there are always new ways to write/think, new slants, old slants and pictures that can be colored in with a deeper level of vividness or empathy, etc. So, even doing the same thing over and over can sometimes yield different results when each repeated investigation yields a slightly more subtle understanding, or a slightly different methodology/design.


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