# Long Distance Relationships



## KerryLee (Jan 22, 2009)

Looked for a thread on this but couldn't find one, so apologies if I missed one already done...

I'm really interested in peoples opinions and experiences of Long Distance Relationships. 

Can and do they work, short term/long term? Is it benefical or problematic to any given particular type etc?

I'm looking forward to engaging in conversation about this as I can see there are many factors to consider and evaluate... hopefully there will be some of you who have been or who are presently, in this kind of relationship, so that I may relate on this matter with someone.. other than my boyfriend of course :laughing:


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## NephilimAzrael (Oct 26, 2008)

Depends on what sort of relationship you are actually seeking, because sexual relationships in a long distance context only realistically work if both persons have the same sort of sexual drive.. Or that they are looking for an affectionate relationship in the times that they are together and a freedom from commitment when separate (open relationship).

From my experiences I have found that Long-distance isn't really a romantic or sexual relationship, it is a platonic relationship.


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## vanWinchester (May 29, 2009)

Hm, personally I think that long-distance-relationships work, IF you have some sort of time-frame for when it will be over. 
I noticed that it is quite challenging to have a LD-RS, so if you have no idea when it is gonna be *over* and when you will be able to have a normal relationship, it just works you up too much. But if you know a time-frame (for example "2 years") for when it will be over, it works much better and it's much more bearable. 

As for types...(plain) sexual relationships would surely be a bit hard to manage this way; while romantic relationships in general are a BIT easier. I mean there is ways to spice things up (chat, camchat, voicechat, occasional meeting etc). 
I think it also depends a bit on how big the distance is. If it's in your same country, it is easier again, than if you have a relationship of some sort with somebody from overseas or so. There is also more stress to it, because one of both has to move to the other country; and getting all the documents and the money can be a pain. 
In any way, I do think it works; at least if you have some sort of time-frame. 
Personally, I had some good experiences with this. Especially for introverts this can be a good way to get into a relationship with somebody. Also I like that you will first be able to explain quite a bit of ones personality. I mean the whole distance makes you need to talk more. Many couples fail at that. That's why I like this way.


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## KerryLee (Jan 22, 2009)

NephilimAzrael said:


> Depends on what sort of relationship you are actually seeking, because sexual relationships in a long distance context only realistically work if both persons have the same sort of sexual drive.. Or that they are looking for an affectionate relationship in the times that they are together and a freedom from commitment when separate (open relationship).
> 
> From my experiences I have found that Long-distance isn't really a romantic or sexual relationship, it is a platonic relationship.


What it the distance is only temporary until circumstances could change? If the distance is not preferable for either in the relationship but just a reality? 
Say both parties are not afraid of commitment and actually want a full relationship in the conventional sense.. do the fustrations at not receiving physical affection and intimacy have an adverse affect on the relationship in the long run, or can it work to strengthen it perhaps?


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## NephilimAzrael (Oct 26, 2008)

KerryLee said:


> What it the distance is only temporary until circumstances could change? If the distance is not preferable for either in the relationship but just a reality?
> Say both parties are not afraid of commitment and actually want a full relationship in the conventional sense.. do the fustrations at not receiving physical affection and intimacy have an adverse affect on the relationship in the long run, or can it work to strengthen it perhaps?


Ah, a temporary set-back? Then in that case it could be a blessing, so long as the opportunity is mutually beneficial. Say that you and your partner chose to take the time apart to appreciate each other. However, if you two are platonic throughout, then later the anticipation for affection may or may not be shared. Its a numbers game, and the probability of a successful pairing depends strongly on your temperaments and situations that will occur in your separation (in relation to yours and his personality as well). 

I am not saying that it won't work. I am merely saying it is not a given, and probability sways toward a short-term/limited positive outcome without an actual intent (and perseverance) on both sides.


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## KerryLee (Jan 22, 2009)

vanWinchester said:


> Hm, personally I think that long-distance-relationships work, IF you have some sort of time-frame for when it will be over.
> I noticed that it is quite challenging to have a LD-RS, so if you have no idea when it is gonna be *over* and when you will be able to have a normal relationship, it just works you up too much. But if you know a time-frame (for example "2 years") for when it will be over, it works much better and it's much more bearable.
> 
> As for types...(plain) sexual relationships would surely be a bit hard to manage this way; while romantic relationships in general are a BIT easier. I mean there is ways to spice things up (chat, camchat, voicechat, occasional meeting etc).
> ...


Yer, knowing the time scale helps I agree. And also the distance , definitely.. you can meet up etc more frequently if the distance is less for example and also cheaper no doubt. Finances play a huge part in how often you can arrange "seeing" each other.
The talking more thing is another thing, yes I agree and it's great to develop the relationship on this level but what about too much talk, is there such a thing? How important is the physical presence when discussing important things, are misunderstandings more frequent? Not being able to "make up" if you have a disagreement, i.e no physical show of affection, forgiveness, understanding ... these things can be highly frustrating if you are particularly fragile or insecure.. or if you are just having a hard time and just perhaps need a hug...? 

I'm enfp and am wondering if it is harder for my type than say another or if most people in general struggle with those things.. needing to physically express my feelings and emotions that kind of thing..



NephilimAzrael said:


> Ah, a temporary set-back? Then in that case it could be a blessing, so long as the opportunity is mutually beneficial. Say that you and your partner chose to take the time apart to appreciate each other. However, if you two are platonic throughout, then later the anticipation for affection may or may not be shared. Its a numbers game, and the probability of a successful pairing depends strongly on your temperaments and situations that will occur in your separation (in relation to yours and his personality as well).
> 
> I am not saying that it won't work. I am merely saying it is not a given, and probability sways toward a short-term/limited positive outcome without an actual intent (and perseverance) on both sides.


Yes I do agree with this. I especially believe that if you already have a strong established relationship and then you are forced apart it can be (temporarily) quite beneficial. However if the relationship is just blossoming then it may prove strenuous.


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## hotgirlinfl (May 15, 2009)

well,I think that they can work if both of the people work really hard at it,and if they want it to work.


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## Spooky (Oct 30, 2008)

KerryLee said:


> I'm enfp and am wondering if it is harder for my type than say another or if most people in general struggle with those things.. needing to physically express my feelings and emotions that kind of thing..


This is why a long distance relationship would never work for me. My primary love language is "touch." Plus, I'm the jealous type and that haunting suspicion would drive me insane if I was strongly attached to her.


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## vanWinchester (May 29, 2009)

KerryLee said:


> Finances play a huge part in how often you can arrange "seeing" each other.


I agree. And that is mostly the problem with any long-distance relationship. Especially from overseas. Then again, I WOULD be willing to compromise and eventually move for a person I love. Also if s/he is not from overseas and just "on the other end of the country". I guess you really have to compromise in LD-RS. Otherwise it won't work. 



KerryLee said:


> The talking more thing is another thing, yes I agree and it's great to develop the relationship on this level but what about too much talk, is there such a thing?


Yes! There CAN be too much talk. I have experienced that already. I was with a guy from America; and we would meet in chat each day. He was an introvert, so he never left the house. Neither did I. So yeah, he did turn boring on me because of that. But I do have a solution for this, I think. It is just important that you don't hang out on chat, phone or wherever all the time. There should be "you time" each day. Depending on how emotional and introverted somebody is, you just do that more or less. 




KerryLee said:


> Not being able to "make up" if you have a disagreement, i.e no physical show of affection, forgiveness, understanding ... these things can be highly frustrating if you are particularly fragile or insecure.. or if you are just having a hard time and just perhaps need a hug...?


 Yes, that definitely sucks sometimes. I agree completely. Not only for ENFPs. Sometimes it is hard. But knowing the time-frame CAN help. Sometimes. A bit. 



KerryLee said:


> I'm enfp and am wondering if it is harder for my type than say another or if most people in general struggle with those things.. needing to physically express my feelings and emotions that kind of thing..


Well, I guess it is probably harder for you than for me (for example). I mean I do miss those things occasionally. But knowing that it won't be like this forever helps. And occasional meetings or chat-variations (voice, cam etc). 

Seriously, it is freakin' hard sometimes to pull this through. But then again...how likely is it, that the person of your dreams lives next door? Sometimes you have to compromise, I guess. All you can do is to make both work hard and managing to move closer as soon as possible. Hard, but doable.


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## KerryLee (Jan 22, 2009)

Shadow said:


> This is why a long distance relationship would never work for me. My primary love language is "touch." Plus, I'm the jealous type and that haunting suspicion would drive me insane if I was strongly attached to her.


Would this be the case for you even if you built up a strong trust? What if you learnt and understood enough about them to know this is not something you need worry about? For me it depends on the person, and I guess it depends how long you are apart and the time the distance thing has gone on for. 
Someone could lose interest and be attracted and develop feelings for someone else, regardless of whether the relationship was long distance or not.. if you are in a serious relationship, you have to develop trust.. you have to overcome fears, old issues, baggage anyway... I guess long distance can make the usual things harder, including trust and being true... I certainly find the distance adds weight to some worries more than others..



vanWinchester said:


> .....Then again, I WOULD be willing to compromise and eventually move for a person I love.....


Me too, 100% 






vanWinchester said:


> .....Yes! There CAN be too much talk. I have experienced that already. I was with a guy from America; and we would meet in chat each day. He was an introvert, so he never left the house. Neither did I. So yeah, he did turn boring on me because of that. But I do have a solution for this, I think. It is just important that you don't hang out on chat, phone or wherever all the time. There should be "you time" each day. Depending on how emotional and introverted somebody is, you just do that more or less.


My concern would not be becoming bored (but I can see how over a long period that could happen) but I do wonder whether over-talking brings about conversation and in-depth discussions that maybe need not be aired, or that really aren't issues but that develop into issues because of over-analysing. 
There are times I guess where there must be talking purely for the sake of it, like if you were together you could maybe just 'be', have one of those knowing silences or just be physical/intimate what have you, but because you can't you ..well just talk. It could be seen as a build up of non contact and too much discussion, a "shut up and kiss me" moment ... and in other regards, words cannot express or prove your point that a look or touch can.. there's only so much "getting to know" someone you can do without physically being present, and forcing more communication without sharing actual physical space feels unbalanced. I wonder how people handle this or address this inbalance, in my relationship "meeting up" is quite frequent, but I know for others it's very rare indeed.




vanWinchester said:


> .....But then again...how likely is it, that the person of your dreams lives next door? Sometimes you have to compromise, I guess. All you can do is to make both work hard and managing to move closer as soon as possible. Hard, but doable.


 
Again I totally agree hence it's worth working at such things. Compromise is essential for any relationship, so dealing with compromise at an early stage is not so much a bad thing just hard. The moving closer thing..yep..the whole 'soon as possible' I also agree, especially if you feel strongly about them and the relationship, and missing them is making you very unhappy. But of course that then begs the question.. does Long Distance Relationships mean you have to take risks or commit sooner that you maybe aren't ready or prepared for yet, or it moves 'quicker' than society deems right? And does that matter? 

You mentioned a long distance relationship you had, do you mind me asking how long you were together and why it didn't work out? Was it the distance?


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## vanWinchester (May 29, 2009)

KerryLee said:


> It could be seen as a build up of non contact and too much discussion, a "shut up and kiss me" moment ... and in other regards, words cannot express or prove your point that a look or touch can..


Ah, totally agreed. Seriously, I was sitting here often during my LD-RSs and thinking about how I wanna just touch somebody. Or look them straight into the eyes. You sure have quite a lot to long for, when you have one of those relationships. Everything has always two sides though. As much as it sucks that you are not able to make physical contact; it always was quite handy for me personally, too. But then again, I am an I. I know it is much harder for you E-guys. 



KerryLee said:


> But of course that then begs the question.. does Long Distance Relationships mean you have to take risks or commit sooner that you maybe aren't ready or prepared for yet, or it moves 'quicker' than society deems right? And does that matter?


Well, isn't EVERY relationship somehow risky? I mean theoretically you can commit to somebody, and in the end it won't work out. That's not only for long-distance. I think I wouldn't even say long-distance relationships are more risky; unless you leave your country to be with the person you love of course. So it sure would be a good idea to only move if you don't mind to stay wherever you are going to; even if the relationship breaks up somewhen. It sure helps a lot if you have friends in the place you wanna go to, or just "always wanted to move". Otherwise it can be quite bad for you, IF the relationship won't work out. 
As for the risks in general: I must agree with what a friend told me once. "Sometimes you just gotta jump". Yes, even us Js, who always try to plan everything ahead. 
It might be a good idea to make sure you can "go back somewhere", in case it doesn't work out though. For example back to your family or friends. Would make you feel less like "jumping into the dark". 

Hm, risks to commit sooner. Not necessarily. It depends if you hooked up with the person within a few days already; months; or were first friends and THEN committed. The friend-thing is surely better, but then again, I know how it can *easily* work out different, too. Sometimes it just hits you, even though you didn't even mean to. Hehe, love is jumpy. It hits you when you least expect it. 

This might sound weird, coming from an INTJ, but I would just say go with your heart and especially with your intuition. You can easily spot if something is wrong or not meant to be. And try to keep that "seeing everything through pink glasses" thing a bit down. I know it's hard, but we don't want to blind ourselves. It could *save your life* somewhen. Listening to your inner voice sure helps. 



KerryLee said:


> You mentioned a long distance relationship you had, do you mind me asking how long you were together and why it didn't work out? Was it the distance?


Sure, ask ahead. 
I actually had quite a few long-distance relationships. 
Once it was within my country; which lead to meeting up quite soon. We did that a few times; then I moved to his city. I didn't really have anything left to do where I lived and I needed a change, so it didn't matter. It held around 3 years in the end; and it split because we just *grew out of it*. But we weren't fighty or anything about it. And it was with the agreement of both. 

Then I had a LD-RS with a guy from the US. We met after a few months and it was all fine. In the meantime we would do chats of all sorts. What spoilt it in the end was not the distance (I planned to move over there for him as soon as I could), it was him starting to be an asshole. 

Another one I had held 1 year. That was the one I mentioned before. It just got boring. The guy was too introverted for me; it didn't work. So it wasn't the distance either, it was him going TOTALLY introverted on me. It was quite random. It happened somewhen after half a year. And as you see I still tried to fix it again for another half year, but it was just hopeless. 

In any way, I would do it again anytime. I also have a lot of friends from far away. That works good. I mean you can do quite a few cool things, even if you can only meet-up online. For example, there is this one INTJ friend I have. We meet weekly (in messenger) and watch movies together. That works by just starting the same movie at the same time. Meanwhile we discuss it. Okay, not as *romantic* as if you do it in real life, but it works. I will move over to the US for their sake; because nothing is holding me here. I don't seem to mix too well with the culture here. 

I don't know where you find your partners; but if you have the tendency to find them in another country or a complete other area of your own country (and the US is big), you might wanna think about making friends somewhere in that area. Would make it easier. Moving in with friends is less of a risk than moving in with somebody that *might* be your mate.


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## Funkydorae (May 23, 2009)

Hi, I thought I'd post in the thread. 

I "dated" someone (an INTJ) long distance for 2 1/2 years. Decided to see what our future held for us. We barely knew each other. We met when he was performing/working in my part of town (He lived in my city for a couple years & moved back to his home country just a month after we met). He did the initiating & I was open to the possibility of something happening between us. He came to my area & we'd spend time together...but not often enough to _really_ connect. We'd speak on the phone & through IM. I distanced myself from him because he was very immature, played games & has issues he needed to work on. I know not being financially stable was a major problem (typical ENFP issues:frustrating that definitely had something to do with it plus he mentioned how I never went to see him. Ah well...I learned from the situation. 

I think LDRs can work just as long as the people involved are ready & mature.


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## KerryLee (Jan 22, 2009)

Funkydorae said:


> Hi, I thought I'd post in the thread.
> 
> I "dated" someone (an INTJ) long distance for 2 1/2 years. Decided to see what our future held for us. We barely knew each other. We met when he was performing/working in my part of town (He lived in my city for a couple years & moved back to his home country just a month after we met). He did the initiating & I was open to the possibility of something happening between us. He came to my area & we'd spend time together...but not often enough to _really_ connect. We'd speak on the phone & through IM. I distanced myself from him because he was very immature, played games & has issues he needed to work on. *I know not being financially stable was a major problem (typical ENFP issues:frustrating* that definitely had something to do with it plus he mentioned how I never went to see him. Ah well...I learned from the situation.
> 
> *I think LDRs can work just as long as the people involved are ready & mature*.


Er yer the money thing, I am terrible with the old finances :frustrating:
..I agree, it's down to the individuals, I think effective communication is vital as is being honest.

Off topic: Notice you have good ratio of E/I F/T P/J  and 4w5 like me!


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## Funkydorae (May 23, 2009)

KerryLee said:


> Er yer the money thing, I am terrible with the old finances :frustrating:
> ..I agree, it's down to the individuals, I think effective communication is vital as is being honest.
> 
> Off topic: Notice you have good ratio of E/I F/T P/J  and 4w5 like me!



You are right. It depends solely on the individuals in the relationship. Effective communication is key. Are you in a LDR at the moment? 

Oh cool. A fellow 4w5 winger. 

Thanks!:happy:


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## KerryLee (Jan 22, 2009)

Funkydorae said:


> You are right. It depends solely on the individuals in the relationship. Effective communication is key. Are you in a LDR at the moment?
> 
> Oh cool. A fellow 4w5 winger.
> 
> Thanks!:happy:


Yer I am, just not coping with not seeing him as often as I'd like. We're planning on sorting the distance thing though :laughing:


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## Perseus (Mar 7, 2009)

Not very practical from the Musical Beds scene. British Telepath is unreliable.

I asked her when I met her if her marriage was in the black because of the kids. I expect it was, but she was an ENFP and I know about their distractions. 

Well, when it came down to it, my greatest desire was not to be a Fool. I have been down there with a Bear. She wanted out and I was the rider.


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## Omisoc (May 28, 2009)

Had an LDR with an ESFJ girl and it was terrible. So stressful. And we were only 3 hours away from each other. I'd see her just about every weekend.


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## N^G (Apr 30, 2009)

Long distance relationships can definately work out provided both parties put the effort in. You may be interested in reading this thread: http://personalitycafe.com/sex-relationships/2688-internet-relationships.html


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## Funkydorae (May 23, 2009)

KerryLee said:


> Yer I am, just not coping with not seeing him as often as I'd like. We're planning on sorting the distance thing though :laughing:


Good luck with your relationship :happy:...make the best of it when you do see each other.


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## CJay3113 (Dec 31, 2008)

I tried it at the beginning of the year. And it went well, I thought. We were both realistic about the situation, but at the time I was sure things would progress. So a month and a half went by and she found someone in her city she "fell in love with". I saw it coming because she told me about her past relationships and how she was always nervous and skeptical and somewhat flighty. I'm not as bitter as I was a few months ago, but it kind of stings because I feel like I was played (sometimes I felt more like her therapist than anything else). Anyway, I think long distance relationships can work when both parties are roughly on the same page. 

Part of my heart is still in San Francisco.


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