# I feel like I haven't progressed through life normally and I'm upset about it, help?



## goodgracesbadinfluence (Feb 28, 2011)

I periodically get really upset about how abnormal my life seems. 

I was homeschooled from the age of 4 to 12. 
And by homeschooled, I mean living with my grandparents while my parents worked and got a half-assed education.
What would be considered my 7th and 8th grade years consisted of reading, vocabulary assignments, and trying to teach myself math. 
I started 9th grade at age 12, although I did turn 13 the second week of school.
I graduated high school at 16. 
Against my better judgment and spurred mostly by my parents and my lack of how financial aid/scholarships worked, I started college right after my 17th birthday. (I was born in August.) 
I completed one year where I went full-time. 
The next 3 years, I went part-time or barely went at all. 
I FINALLY transferred to a smaller school, where I'm a lot happier. 
I should be graduating in Spring 2015, which leaves me with 7 years in college. -__-
And right now I'm living with my best friend and her husband. 
I've also never had a "real" job and I'm 21. 

I feel like I should have progressed through life normally. i.e., start kindergarten at 5, graduate high school at 17 or 18, either go to college immediately or take a year off to get a job, live on campus (if that's affordable), etc. And I get really upset about it periodically and I have no idea what to do about it.

I've felt like this for a really long time; I've always hated the fact I was homeschooled. This started surfacing at around age 9 and it's just gotten worse. The only helpful advice I've received is "don't live in the past" but that's easier said than done.


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## dejavu (Jun 23, 2010)

I had a similar experience and I've had similar regrets.

I can't offer advice. At least nothing you probably haven't considered yourself. I do think the advice you've heard (don't live in the past) is worth looking at more closely. The way I tend to think of it is that I can't allow past things to hold me back. The past is done, I can't touch it. The future is something I can work with. Easier said than done, indeed, but it may be all you have.

What do you want to experience in life? Think of things that don't involve the impossible. For example, I wish that I had gone to prom. Well, I'm 23. That's no longer in the cards. I'd like to travel, though, and I'd like to live in a city. Those are things I can do.

By the way...I also wanted to live on campus for the experience. I did it, and it sucked so hard. It's expensive and terrible. Some people might have a better experience with it, but I wouldn't recommend it.


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## Mustang (Oct 24, 2012)

Definitely empathize here. I've had a similar path in life to you, although I've figured out how to make it more of a positive thing. Took my SATs when I was 13 and I started college at 16 myself, but due to not being socially ready thanks to homeschooling (which had great benefits, just not with my average 'peers'), it's taken me about 8 years to get through it all thanks to a break in between. Finally wiped the slate clean 3 1/2 years ago, and I'm finally graduating this May from a respected institution. Add that I've moved more than my hands can count, and even spent 2 1/2 years on the road with my family cross-country? I make for one odd guy, haha.

The only thing that sucked about my odd path through life is that I was so ahead of the curve at some point, and then I just lost my edge before I realized it. Ironically, that actually made me work harder to stand out and carve a niche, I really took advantage of internship and work-study opportunities to have jobs throughout school. I'd highly recommend you apply for internships in fields that you're interested in if you haven't yet! That'll help you get the real job experience you need.

Anyway, I look at my experiences as positive because I have an interesting and compelling life story, and I will continue to do so. Not being forced to follow the standard path has unchained me, at least, to let me explore and follow my passions. The standard path is great for a lot of people, but it wasn't meant for me. Find out what you love and start pursuing it, if you can. You'll have an unusual story to back it up and will stop caring about a normal progression; going through personal hardship and beating it at this age bodes well for you for your life.


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## goodgracesbadinfluence (Feb 28, 2011)

dejavu said:


> I had a similar experience and I've had similar regrets.
> 
> I can't offer advice. At least nothing you probably haven't considered yourself. I do think the advice you've heard (don't live in the past) is worth looking at more closely. The way I tend to think of it is that I can't allow past things to hold me back. The past is done, I can't touch it. The future is something I can work with. Easier said than done, indeed, but it may be all you have.
> 
> ...


Trying to focus on what I CAN achieve instead of what I CAN'T achieve makes more sense to me than someone saying "don't live in the past" even though it's basically the same thing. 

I too want to live in a city, maybe for grad school. And travel abroad. 

Living on campus will be a hell of a lot better than living with a married couple, or commuting 45 minutes one way. At least I hope so....



Mustang said:


> Definitely empathize here. I've had a similar path in life to you, although I've figured out how to make it more of a positive thing. Took my SATs when I was 13 and I started college at 16 myself, but due to not being socially ready thanks to homeschooling (which had great benefits, just not with my average 'peers'), it's taken me about 8 years to get through it all thanks to a break in between. Finally wiped the slate clean 3 1/2 years ago, and I'm finally graduating this May from a respected institution. Add that I've moved more than my hands can count, and even spent 2 1/2 years on the road with my family cross-country? I make for one odd guy, haha.
> 
> The only thing that sucked about my odd path through life is that I was so ahead of the curve at some point, and then I just lost my edge before I realized it. Ironically, that actually made me work harder to stand out and carve a niche, I really took advantage of internship and work-study opportunities to have jobs throughout school. I'd highly recommend you apply for internships in fields that you're interested in if you haven't yet! That'll help you get the real job experience you need.
> 
> Anyway, I look at my experiences as positive because I have an interesting and compelling life story, and I will continue to do so. Not being forced to follow the standard path has unchained me, at least, to let me explore and follow my passions. The standard path is great for a lot of people, but it wasn't meant for me. Find out what you love and start pursuing it, if you can. You'll have an unusual story to back it up and will stop caring about a normal progression; going through personal hardship and beating it at this age bodes well for you for your life.


I was definitely not socially ready for the college world. In my junior year of high school, I had just started getting used to public school and I was just starting to get comfortable there. I thought about trying to flunk out of my senior year tbh. 

I DID sign up for work-study this semester. And I'll be trying to be an RA when I live on campus. 

And that's the odd thing about it, for me... I don't want the standard path for the rest of my life. I do want to get married, but I don't want to have children and raise a family. I don't want to just work a 9-5 job. My dream job is to work in a neuroscience lab studying neurotransmitters. But I feel deprived because it's like the standard path was _taken_ from me.

Thanks for the responses; I appreciate them.


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## Razare (Apr 21, 2009)

goodgracesbadinfluence said:


> I've felt like this for a really long time; I've always hated the fact I was homeschooled. This started surfacing at around age 9 and it's just gotten worse. The only helpful advice I've received is "don't live in the past" but that's easier said than done.


I went to public school. I only ever managed to have 1 friend at a time... I couldn't ever successfully manage more than that. I had an opportunity to move up a grade, but I didn't.... I wanted to graduate with my class. I took some college classes in high school, but basically I began college after graduation. I switched majors and colleges, and went for about 6 solid years.

My point here is I'm 28, live alone in a basement of an unfinished house my dad owns, and the friends I had in college have moved on... the single friendship I had in High School is long over... I'm in debt up to my ears and beyond. I have a part-time job, and I can only pay bills because I have zero rent, and I still bum food off my parents. This forum comprises the vast majority of my social interaction with the world.

I'm not complaining, nor am I really upset with my life situation. I'm just pointing out, that even when you do things by the book, it doesn't necessarily turn out any better. All those people you could have met when you were 9, could just have easily been people who teased and bullied you the entire time at school. You might have picked up drugs thanks to public school influences... you may have never made it to college.

It's just all hyperbole. Who knows what would have happened... whatever life we're presently living, there are much worse alternatives and much better ones.

I think what you're experiencing is a manifestation of discontent with your present situation, and you're blaming it on your past. That's not a valid solution. You have to fix things in the present.


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## goodgracesbadinfluence (Feb 28, 2011)

Razare said:


> I went to public school. I only ever managed to have 1 friend at a time... I couldn't ever successfully manage more than that. I had an opportunity to move up a grade, but I didn't.... I wanted to graduate with my class. I took some college classes in high school, but basically I began college after graduation. I switched majors and colleges, and went for about 6 solid years. My point here is I'm 28, live alone in a basement of an unfinished house my dad owns, and the friends I had in college have moved on... the single friendship I had in High School is long over... I'm in debt up to my ears and beyond. I have a part-time job, and I can only pay bills because I have zero rent, and I still bum food off my parents. This forum comprises the vast majority of my social interaction with the world. I'm not complaining, nor am I really upset with my life situation. I'm just pointing out, that even when you do things by the book, it doesn't necessarily turn out any better. All those people you could have met when you were 9, could just have easily been people who teased and bullied you the entire time at school. You might have picked up drugs thanks to public school influences... you may have never made it to college. It's just all hyperbole. Who knows what would have happened... whatever life we're presently living, there are much worse alternatives and much better ones. I think what you're experiencing is a manifestation of discontent with your present situation, and you're blaming it on your past. That's not a valid solution. You have to fix things in the present.


 Thanks. I suppose I've gotten too accustomed to blaming everything on the past and indulging in unpleasant emotions. I'm not entirely sure how to do anything else. I guess I'll have to learn.


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## Razare (Apr 21, 2009)

goodgracesbadinfluence said:


> Thanks. I suppose I've gotten too accustomed to blaming everything on the past and indulging in unpleasant emotions. I'm not entirely sure how to do anything else. I guess I'll have to learn.


It's understandable, we all do it. I wish you the best with whatever awaits you. 

As for how to not indulge in past "could haves"... I think just focusing on the present and learning how to accept your present situation without emotionally flavoring it positively or negatively. This also includes accepting that your past is what it is, but don't weigh your thoughts down with it. I've always been one to place unreasonable expectations on my future. Either is bad. Life is what it is, and you're at where you're at.


It works too, my well-being has improved a great deal after I learned how to focus on the present rather than the future.


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## goodgracesbadinfluence (Feb 28, 2011)

Razare said:


> It's understandable, we all do it. I wish you the best with whatever awaits you.
> 
> As for how to not indulge in past "could haves"... I think just focusing on the present and learning how to accept your present situation without emotionally flavoring it positively or negatively. This also includes accepting that your past is what it is, but don't weigh your thoughts down with it. I've always been one to place unreasonable expectations on my future. Either is bad. Life is what it is, and you're at where you're at.
> 
> ...


I think that's really helpful. 

Statements like, "Stop living in the past!" are hard for me (and maybe other INTPs) because it's not like I haven't considered it. It's just I literally don't know how. I need direction, which others have usually failed to give. Being an enneagram 4 definitely doesn't help either! Allowing myself not to align my past with an emotion seems like something I can actually achieve instead of an arbitrary, "Don't live in the past."


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## DMack (Aug 16, 2011)

I was home schooled as well, but I don't really have any regrets about that. I started taking college classes when I was 14 but never graduated with a degree. I do regret not finishing my degree.

First off don't think there is such a thing as a normal life. If there is it's probably just as miserable as you non-normal life. Putting expectations of normalicy or other people on your life will suck your vitality.

Secondly, if you don't like your life, change it! I didn't get the full brunt of that epiphany untill I was 30. Wish I had it at 18. You're an adult. If you want to move to Mali and become a stripper you can, or you can move to kansas and plow fields. You're in control. Period, it's you now, all you.

Now I've known quite a few NTs and almost all of them struggle with feeling un-normal. The smarter they were the more they had this problem. Some I know are even on medication for it. So get over it, you're not normal.

Finally get in the real world. Stop thinking and start doing. I didn't realize there was a huge diference untill I was in my late 20s. Making that change doubled my income and drastically improved my life outlook. It did screw my marriage, but that's another story.


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## Fleetfoot (May 9, 2011)

First off, the context of 'normally' that you speak of isn't really applicable in terms of how one lives their life. Everyone goes through it differently and faces different challenges and rewards, some more fucked up or awesome, respectively, than others. 


I'd love to say, "Don't live in the past", but it's not going to be much advice for you, huh?


So instead, think of it as an advantage. You have a different perspective amongst peers of your age (including myself, who found public school to be a waste of time) and in an economy like this standing out can definitely be a benefit to you. You should use it to your advantage, and to do so you need to look past the regrets you may have about your past, and instead learn from them. What about your past makes you so upset? Can you find any solutions now that can prevent anything similar from unpleasant past experiences happening again? Obviously you won't be homeschooled again. But, if you can think of any details that may have turned you against the idea of homeschooling use that to face your present problems. 

I don't exactly know what you mean by a 'real' job, but I'm also 21 and feel like I never had a 'real' job. I have one more year of school left but I'm looking at the past to see where my problems are and to the present to see what can be done to fix them. Sometimes the fixes are complex and take a lot of time and effort, but in the end if you succeed it will be worth everything you gave into it.


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## chaos theory (Jul 24, 2012)

goodgracesbadinfluence said:


> I periodically get really upset about how abnormal my life seems.
> 
> I was homeschooled from the age of 4 to 12.
> And by homeschooled, I mean living with my grandparents while my parents worked and got a half-assed education.
> ...


You're different. It's not a bad thing, if anything it makes you more interesting.


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## goodgracesbadinfluence (Feb 28, 2011)

DMack said:


> I was home schooled as well, but I don't really have any regrets about that. I started taking college classes when I was 14 but never graduated with a degree. I do regret not finishing my degree.
> 
> First off don't think there is such a thing as a normal life. If there is it's probably just as miserable as you non-normal life. Putting expectations of normalicy or other people on your life will suck your vitality.
> 
> ...


Thanks. Sometimes I just need to hear the harsh reality, haha. 

I'm also really not used to being "in control" yet. I'm still getting used to being out on my own in college, away from my family. I've only lived away from my family for about five months, when I started at my new university. 

Maybe I can take comfort in the fact I am normal, at least amongst NTs. 



Tawanda said:


> First off, the context of 'normally' that you speak of isn't really applicable in terms of how one lives their life. Everyone goes through it differently and faces different challenges and rewards, some more fucked up or awesome, respectively, than others.
> 
> I'd love to say, "Don't live in the past", but it's not going to be much advice for you, huh?
> 
> ...


I guess that’s true that I could learn from it. I do have a very different perspective than my peers; I have noticed that. I’ve never been successful in finding a solution because I’m the kind of person who doesn’t know how to fix “trauma” (for lack of a better word). I get over things by replacing them with other things.

There’s not a lot of specific things about my past that make me upset. There are a couple things I can think of, but I’m not comfortable discussing them on internet forums. I’ve never even discussed them in therapy.

I’ve never been employed by a formal employer, which is what I mean by a “real job.” I’ve made money, but mostly my grandpa pays for everything. That’s another source of my anguish. He does it so I can be successful, and it doesn’t hurt him financially, but it still bothers me because I have friends who work their asses off and barely scrape by and I get money funneled to me. One of my friends lives in a hotel because his home life is so shitty and it’s also too far away from his job where he’s had overtime for almost all of December and I just sit here and don’t do a damn thing to earn my money. But I’m taking eighteen hours this semester, and most of those are really hard classes. I did have a job interview back in August and I think the only reason they didn’t hire me is because of my schedule.



chaos theory said:


> You're different. It's not a bad thing, if anything it makes you more interesting.


Thank you. I hope others see it that way instead of dismissing me for it, which I fear.


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## goodgracesbadinfluence (Feb 28, 2011)

Also... there are a lot of enneagram 7s on this thread. Random observation, haha.


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## chaos theory (Jul 24, 2012)

I think it may just be a matter of finding people who you enjoy and that enjoy your company. Personally, I'm a little intrigued when someone tells me something rather unconventional about themselves. I know I'm not the only one either. I've known quite a few people that exaggerate or lie to try to sound "different".


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## goodgracesbadinfluence (Feb 28, 2011)

chaos theory said:


> I think it may just be a matter of finding people who you enjoy and that enjoy your company. Personally, I'm a little intrigued when someone tells me something rather unconventional about themselves. I know I'm not the only one either. I've known quite a few people that exaggerate or lie to try to sound "different".


I definitely don't need to do that. I'm different without trying. Which of course I'm proud of, but sometimes it leads to a difficulty making friends. People are, for whatever reason, usually drawn to me. I think.


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## RepairmanMan Man (Jan 21, 2012)

Yeah, I feel kind of similarly about my life. I'm going on 30 now, and I pretty much haven't done anything the way "normal" people have:

- In school, I was rejected--it went aways beyond normal "teasing" and actually left me with sort of a complex.
- By the time I got to high school, I had no friends...I don't mean "people I hung out with but never bonded with". I mean I literally went to school, never said a word to anyone, and went home again.
- My step-father was a bit verbally abusive to me and would openly put me down for this. He'd also feed my little sister tripe about how I was a "bad influence" and she should stay away from me.
- I got a job and did that for a year, realized I suck at working, and went back to college
- I studied for 4 years while living at home
- I moved to Dubai for awhile
- I left home and just started working 3 jobs while trying to graduate. (Was in school a total of 6.5 years)
- I graduated right into the worst of the recession, and left the country to work in Cambodia and China as an English teacher
- I developed a massive thryoid infection that basically killed my thyroid, and with it, the last two years of my youth.

Not to turn this thread into a gripe about my own life. Just wanna show you I didn't really have a "normal" life either--I never got to do the peer interaction; I never got to go to parties; I never had any fun. I won't lie--I do mull over that sometimes.

But you know what? My life has been unique. Everyone has regrets about their life; I bet everyone on PerC could name a few things they regret about their upbringing as well. I think you should try to embrace it for that, if nothing else. You could also use this to make a resolution to have a better future--you've got the whole rest of your life to undo the abnormality, after all!

I'm not gonna tell you not to live in the past--everyone's always telling me that, too. It's not very helpful, is it? But there it is--it's your life and it's an interesting story anyway. (Actually, I kind of wish I'd been homeschooled--want to trade histories with me?  )


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## goodgracesbadinfluence (Feb 28, 2011)

holyrockthrower said:


> Yeah, I feel kind of similarly about my life. I'm going on 30 now, and I pretty much haven't done anything the way "normal" people have:
> 
> - In school, I was rejected--it went aways beyond normal "teasing" and actually left me with sort of a complex.
> - By the time I got to high school, I had no friends...I don't mean "people I hung out with but never bonded with". I mean I literally went to school, never said a word to anyone, and went home again.
> ...


I like hearing others' experiences in life. I don't see it as you griping about your life. It helps me knowing someone else has similar feelings and experiences. 

At my previous university, I had exactly the same experience you did in high school. I literally spoke to no one most of the time. If I did, it was a shock and probably the highlight of the day. I think it's really cool that you taught and lived in Asia. I've never left America (but I am trying to get the ball rolling on that). 

I've never viewed my background as interesting. I've always figured others would judge me for it. 

Honestly, I would actually like to talk to you about your background. I really like learning about others' lives.


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## RepairmanMan Man (Jan 21, 2012)

goodgracesbadinfluence said:


> I like hearing others' experiences in life. I don't see it as you griping about your life. It helps me knowing someone else has similar feelings and experiences.


Thanks, that was the intent.



> At my previous university, I had exactly the same experience you did in high school. I literally spoke to no one most of the time. If I did, it was a shock and probably the highlight of the day. I think it's really cool that you taught and lived in Asia. I've never left America (but I am trying to get the ball rolling on that).


You've got the whole rest of your life to do that! And yeah, my college experience was similar to my high school experience--which annoyed me no end, because I was told college is like the best time of my life. LOL, maybe to someone who wants to work in corporate America for 50 years afterwards...



> I've never viewed my background as interesting. I've always figured others would judge me for it.


Well, I can't speak for the entire population, and I can understand your sentiment about thinking you'd be judged. I kind of hate to tell people I was a "loser" in high school and college. But I personally think it's awesome that you were home schooled. At least you didn't get bullied off the charts.



> Honestly, I would actually like to talk to you about your background. I really like learning about others' lives.


And I'm happy to talk about it! Ask me absolutely anything!


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

Define "normal," please.


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## LittleOrange (Feb 11, 2012)

Ah, I wish I was homeschooled!


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