# Racial insecurity, do I need to seek therapy or will it go away as I move away?



## HappyHours (Sep 16, 2011)

I am an American male of East Indian descent growing up in the deep south and I have had this insecurity for nearly a year and a half now. It started when I graduated high school back in 2010. I was born in India but have been in the US for nearly 10 years and before here I used to live in Western Europe (family moved there when I was 3 years old). I turned 19 a few weeks ago.

Basically I have two desires in life:

1. To move out of the deep south and explore as many parts of the world as I can, just travel a lot.
2. To date women of various backgrounds and be the guy that has a lot of one night stands and stuff. Definitely marry interracial.

Of course morally speaking most of you will bash me but I am here to seek help. 

*Here is my fear or insecurity: *I believe that in order for me to live that type of a life I need to be a White guy. I just have this thought in mind that somehow only White guys are allowed to live that sort of a life or able to live that sort of a life. I believe that lets say I travel to Italy, I face ten folds more racism than a White American guy ever would.

And I also believe that me being an Indian guy will prevent me from being successful in interracial relationships. Living down south I have seen White guys date all colors of the rainbow while the few Indian guys I knew only dated Indian girls or they were single with no girlfriend at all.

*What caused my fear or insecurity:* I have read some things online on various forums and lets just say Indian guys are the butt of every joke. On some forums I have seen posts of users laughing at the idea of an Indian guy attracting a non-Indian woman. Curry jokes and everything about funny accents has been thrown around left to right. I also remember seeing some stuff on CNN as to where Indians were attacked in Australia for being Indian. Also 3 years back I saw endless topics of Indian guy complaining about being single and girls from other races not giving them any attention.

*How bad is it?* I have been on some forums and posted threads about it in an attempt to seek help but mainly I have been trolled (much worse than I have been on this forum). It isn't as bad as it used to be a year back when I was on this one site and endlessly posted questions about Indian men and interracial relationships.

*And I KNOW you guys will tell me "stick to your own kind and date Indian women then" but I do not want to do that. I am not that high on Indian culture and I just want to have that experience of dating interracial but I think being Indian will prevent me from it.

My question is this. Do I need to seek therapy or will moving out to a much bigger city and more progressive place get rid of my insecurity?
*


----------



## knittigan (Sep 2, 2011)

Unfortunately there are a lot of people who do subscribe to all of the attitudes you've described. It isn't fair, but it's true. But what is also true is that there are a lot of people who don't. And there might be more of them in the bigger cities, but you should know that there are also a lot of bigoted people there, too. Moving somewhere else might help, but it might not. It's really difficult to say. The unfortunate reality of the society we live in is that it is almost always easier to be white than it is to be anything else. But things are getting better and I have faith that they will continue to do so.

I don't think that you need therapy, but just remember that any of the people who would treat you badly just because of where you come from or what colour your skin is... they aren't worth your time, not even if you were white. I am, and if I ever found out that I were seeing someone who were that intolerant, it would be grounds for me to end our relationship. 

As a side note, ethnicity doesn't really factor into my dating criteria, but if I did have to choose one based on a purely aesthetic level, it would actually be Indian. As for accents, I find Punjabi ones absolutely irresistible. It's a little unconventional, I guess, but there are lots of non-Indian girls like me who will actually see your race as an attractive quality, so try and remember that, too.

ETA: I don't know if the city will solve your insecurity about your race since you have probably experienced a lot of different things to make you feel the way you do. But meeting people who are more tolerant is a really good start to working on experiencing this aspect of your identity as positive instead of something to hold you back.


----------



## Angelic Gardevoir (Oct 7, 2010)

You know, I was wondering about why you seemed so fixated on picking up women/dating so much, but I was afraid to ask you for fear of offending you. (It has nothing to do with your race, if you're thinking that. I'm that way with everyone.) Anyway, I think I kind of get it now. First of all, the number of sexual partners you have had does _not_ make you a better person. A white guy who gets more chicks is no better than you. If you have been thinking that, then discard that notion right now. However, I think you just want some diversity in your dating experiences. As for that, all I can say is don't give up. If a woman doesn't like you simply because of your race, she isn't worth it.


----------



## HappyHours (Sep 16, 2011)

Angelic Gardevoir said:


> You know, I was wondering about why you seemed so fixated on picking up women/dating so much, but I was afraid to ask you for fear of offending you. (It has nothing to do with your race, if you're thinking that. I'm that way with everyone.) Anyway, I think I kind of get it now. First of all, the number of sexual partners you have had does _not_ make you a better person. A white guy who gets more chicks is no better than you. If you have been thinking that, then discard that notion right now. However, I think you just want some diversity in your dating experiences. As for that, all I can say is don't give up. If a woman doesn't like you simply because of your race, she isn't worth it.



yaa but in my view I want to be the guy that dates a lot of women


----------



## Angelic Gardevoir (Oct 7, 2010)

HappyHours said:


> yaa but in my view I want to be the guy that dates a lot of women


 Why? 10chars


----------



## HappyHours (Sep 16, 2011)

Angelic Gardevoir said:


> Why? 10chars


 because i just do


----------



## funcoolname (Sep 17, 2011)

I think you just have scripts in your head from past experiences that you think everyone subscribes to, and they don't. You started this thread telling us you KNEW everyone was going to tell you to date Indian girls, but I really don't think that's the way most people feel. People should date people that make them happy, regardless of race, etc. Personality, charisma, confidence will trump race or physical attributes in most cases. Will it be as easy for you "live that type of life", whatever that means, as it might be for a white guy? Maybe, maybe not, but that doesn't mean it's impossible and probably what is holding you back a lot is the negative thinking. Try not to let insecurities dictate so much of your life. And yes, move out of the deep south, meet some more open-minded people, and then if nothing else helps, therapy.


----------



## yesiknowbut (Oct 25, 2009)

Move to a big city, and grow a bit. Either you will get what you want, or what you want will change. Either is good, isn't it?


----------



## nádej (Feb 27, 2011)

Move north a bit, to a bigger city. I mean no offense to the south at all, but there are quite large cultural differences between regions of the United States, and if the south isn't working for you...get out of there!

There is racism everywhere, you'll find. But going somewhere with more diversity might help. You might find people more open-minded, or at the very least you might be around more people you can relate to. Even regardless of that, moving to a new environment and a new culture essentially forces growth on a person; it forces a person to learn who they are, even just a little bit more than they knew before. That could be really great for you, if you're struggling right now.

But hey - if that doesn't work, seek therapy. Or seek therapy now. Or don't seek therapy at all. I don't think there's really a 'wrong' choice in this situation, aside from not doing anything. You know that you have a problem you'd like to work on - it's in your hands to do something about it; to take ownership for your own happiness and your own future. As long as you keep that in mind and intentionally move forward with that, you'll be fine.


----------



## friction (Apr 29, 2011)

HappyHours said:


> yaa but in my view I want to be the guy that dates a lot of women





Angelic Gardevoir said:


> Why? 10chars





HappyHours said:


> because i just do


I think there's something you're not sharing. Perhaps you haven't thought about it deeply enough or you don't want to admit it.

I'm going to hazard a guess here: you want interracial experiences and to be 'the guy who has a lot of one night stands' because you're lacking in self-esteem and you think your sexual prowess will boost it. Perhaps you want to say to someone 'look I'm way better than you because I've slept with so many girls, so obviously, they find me attractive' or 'I've dated women from country x and country y, so clearly I'm more open-minded and cultured than you'.

All I can say is. If you're trying to prove a point to someone, no matter what you achieve, you're not going to be satisfied, because your security and self-esteem will depend on their reaction to you, and that's not something within your control.

The only thing within your control is your perception of you. If you respect yourself, you'll have a much higher chance of being respected.


----------



## HappyHours (Sep 16, 2011)

^ sorta kinda but I just want to prove to myself I can do it, I won't even tell most people about it but it is just something I wanna do, I just want to be that kind of a guy


----------



## Monkey King (Nov 16, 2010)

Move to a big city. Diversity will do you good.


----------



## Penemue (Feb 23, 2010)

This was going to be a twelve step program but really it's quite simple so i ran out of steps.

1. Move to a big city
2. Look at the reason why you want to sleep with lots of girls (Desire for control/"respect"/booty, whatever)
3. Realise that one night stands will do neither yourself or the girl any justice or respect
4. Maybe see a therapist about your racial insecurity?
6. Start seeing women that you have an emotional attachment to and see it through rather than seeking the quick fix of a one night stand. Try to respect yourself and the other gender.
7. Get a higher aspiration in life rather than "player"
8. If you don't like the Indian culture, disassociate yourself from it. 

Edit:
Step 9: Stop posting threads about interracial dating problems. Seriously. Advice is one thing but this is crazy.


----------



## HappyHours (Sep 16, 2011)

lol i am fixed on one night stands and that is the lifestyle I want to live, other than that your advice was decent

i do not want a relationship


----------



## Angelic Gardevoir (Oct 7, 2010)

HappyHours said:


> lol i am fixed on one night stands and that is the lifestyle I want to live, other than that your advice was decent
> 
> i do not want a relationship


And yet you said that you wanted to marry interracial. :/

Anyway, as others have said, you need to examine the real reasons you want to have a lot of one night stands. Is this something you truly desire, or are you chasing an ideal that doesn't match reality? It may not be as glamorous as you think it is.

Now, is it fair that white guys might attract more women than a guy from a different race in American culture? (Or at least in the Deep South?) No, it isn't. But as I said before, that doesn't make that guy better than you. You may be smarter, nicer, more talented, etc. while all that guy could have going for him is sex appeal.

I know that this may come across as "accept that women may not be attracted to you because of your race," but that's not what I'm going for at all. I'm just saying that there are far more important things in life than being the guy who has a lot of one night stands. Not every guy is a "player" (including white guys), and being a player doesn't mean happiness. You shouldn't let your race get you down if you want to date a variety of people, but I think you should seriously reconsider your priorities in life.


----------



## HappyHours (Sep 16, 2011)

Angelic Gardevoir said:


> And yet you said that you wanted to marry interracial. :/
> 
> Anyway, as others have said, you need to examine the real reasons you want to have a lot of one night stands. Is this something you truly desire, or are you chasing an ideal that doesn't match reality? It may not be as glamorous as you think it is.
> 
> ...


no seriously, I want that, maybe when i am above 30 I look for marriage but when I hit my 20s I want that one night stand life


----------



## Luke (Oct 17, 2010)

Go to places where everyone is looking for the same thing. Namely nightclubs.


----------



## Eerie (Feb 9, 2011)

"Before I get married, I want as many stds as possible!" :tongue: 

One night stands aren't what you think they are.... lulz.


----------



## HappyHours (Sep 16, 2011)

Eerie said:


> "Before I get married, I want as many stds as possible!" :tongue:
> 
> One night stands aren't what you think they are.... lulz.


don't matter, still want that life


----------



## Rhee (Aug 15, 2010)

HappyHours said:


> And I KNOW you guys will tell me "stick to your own kind and date Indian women then" but I do not want to do that. *I am not that high on Indian culture and I just want to have that experience of dating interracial but I think being Indian will prevent me from it.*
> 
> My question is this. Do I need to seek therapy or will moving out to a much bigger city and more progressive place get rid of my insecurity?


How can you NOT be keen on Indian culture?? I don't get it, dude. 

Your ancestors were using a system of algebra as early on as 1000BC. The whole of East/Southeast Asia owes its cultural and historical foundation (Buddhism) to India. The Mughal Empire left stunning legacies in architecture, music and literature. Indians fought for and won their freedom against colonial rule, and the country produced great poets and politicians like Rabindranath Tagore and Jawaharlal Nehru. 

Your current film and IT industries kick ass. Your women and men are smokin' hot. India is predicted to become the world's third largest economy in 20-25 years. Seriously, what more can you want?? :0 

What women deem unattractive will not be your ethnicity, but that huge chip on your shoulder. Lose it. 

Before seeing a therapist or moving to another city, I suggest you read up on your history and culture first. Racial insecurity often ironically stems from one *not* knowing enough about his own heritage.


----------



## HappyHours (Sep 16, 2011)

i just wanna be considered an american


----------



## funcoolname (Sep 17, 2011)

HappyHours said:


> i just wanna be considered an american


Aah! Being "American" is not about sleeping with as many people as possible and being valuable based on sex appeal etc, although unfortunately a lot of youth culture makes it seem that way. It's mostly because all the drama surrounding that aspect of life makes for good entertainment, which makes it come across as this lifestyle everyone should want. It is easy for things to appear that way, especially if you are young, but as you get older hopefully you'll be able to see that America is based on much, much more than that.. You'll find as you get older that a lot of the people who go for the type of lifestyle you seem to want to grow out of it and realize that they don't get respect for it beyond high school and maybe a little bit of college, especially outside of their group of bro friends. It may seem like a big deal now, but eventually those guys realize (or don't realize) that they can't have serious relationships because they never had respect for women or the people they were in "relationships" with.


----------



## Drewbie (Apr 28, 2010)

Move to a bigger city and find like-minded people, especially like-minded Indian people. A change of atmosphere can definitely help if your current environment is making you insecure, which it seems like it is. There are a lot of racist people in the world but there are also quite a few people who look to date and hook up inter-racially, a more diverse environment will provide better opportunities for that. Like minded people are out there, I come from a family like that. It's practically tradition in my family to date and marry inter-racially. I've only dated inter-racially and several women in my family have dated Indian men. It's not impossible for you to live the way you want because you're Indian, it just might take a while to mean the right people, because unfortunately the world is full of racism and racist assholes.

Also, to avoid misunderstanding, when I say to find like minded Indian people, that is not to say 'stick to your own people' because that's bullshit, but like-minded people of the same race can offer support and understanding that other people can't, which is kind of like therapy through friends of a similar background and I know from experience that it helps with racial insecurity. You'll likely feel a lot less alienated for being Indian if you're around Indian people similar to yourself. If you can't get over your racial insecurity then maybe you should go to a therapist, but be careful about who you see as I can imagine advice a non-Indian therapist about racial insecurity over being Indian would be made up of a lot of fail and bullshit. Racism means you face a set of challenges and prejudices in a way unique to the experiences of your race, going to someone not of your race and expecting them to relate and understand isn't the greatest idea because, white people and people of color that grew up in other cultures, will be looking at your experiences with different experiences privileges and prejudice.


----------



## HappyHours (Sep 16, 2011)

-facepalm-

I see you guys are trying to help but you are not helping at all, lets get some serious points in

1. Not going to hang out with an Indian person unless they are Americanized and even then I do not want to hang out with a group of them, period.

2. Not going to get involved in some Indian community typical BS.

3. Not dating an Indian girl, no matter what the circumstances. 

4. I am stuck on that life of one night stands, I really want to get that out of my system.


----------



## Drewbie (Apr 28, 2010)

HappyHours said:


> -facepalm-
> 
> I see you guys are trying to help but you are not helping at all, lets get some serious points in
> 
> ...


This is all I meant when I said 'like-minded' and I only recommended it because people are often racist and are going to give you shit and when their bullshit gets you down it's good to blow off steam by having someone else around who deals with the same bullshit. By all means, don't get involved with the Indian community, don't date Indian girls, and go fuck however many people you want.


----------



## Hokahey (Oct 8, 2010)

You know for 100 dollars a night you can have as many one-night stands as you can afford. And the success rate of them saying yes is very much higher. 

Oh, btw they actually say married people have more sex than single/one-night stand people do.

And if you say it's not about "sex" well then it's really going to be an even bigger confusing thing that you have set your mind to strong enough that I'm not sure why "advice" is even needed.

I'm also still missing the parts of asking advice. It really still seems like you want confirmation, absolution, reaffirmation, or whatever. I guess you did ask if you think you need therapy, I don't think it would hurt. I mean if you are so wrapped up about this issue it conflicts with your ability to function properly (in accordance to how society expects you to) because honestly some of these "dreams" of yours are red flag/warning signs of possible later sexual assaults based on maturity and absolute desired goal with no real function. The higher the ambition to achieve "nothing" the greater the stress in trying to obtain it and greater the fall when it doesn't happen.


----------



## HappyHours (Sep 16, 2011)

didn't realize it, but my OCD came back hard

http://personalitycafe.com/member-p...n-guy-white-girl-couple-before-real-life.html


----------



## Hokahey (Oct 8, 2010)

HappyHours said:


> didn't realize it, but my OCD came back hard


It's not OCD.


----------



## Penemue (Feb 23, 2010)

It's not OCD. Its repetitive and killing me slowly.







Y u no get hint?!?!


----------



## dagnytaggart (Jun 6, 2010)

You want an open relationship, huh? Get out of the Deep South, it's no wonder you have these fixations.

Travel, pick chicks up in clubs, come back and relocate to Siicon Valley. Here in the Bay Area, we're sexually progressive short of courting animals, interracial dating is THE norm, and because you're Indian, girls will assume you're a rich tech entrepreneur and stick to you like curry on rice.

Proof? I'm half Indian.


----------



## HappyHours (Sep 16, 2011)

dagnytaggart said:


> You want an open relationship, huh? Get out of the Deep South, it's no wonder you have these fixations.
> 
> Travel, pick chicks up in clubs, come back and relocate to Siicon Valley. Here in the Bay Area, we're sexually progressive short of courting animals, interracial dating is THE norm, and because you're Indian, girls will assume you're a rich tech entrepreneur and stick to you like curry on rice.
> 
> Proof? I'm half Indian.


YA but have you ever seen an Indian guy date out of his own in the bay area? have you ever with your very own eyes seen him date a black, hispanic, asian, oooorrr the forbidden white woman? (calling it that because down south that will turn a lot of heads)


----------



## dagnytaggart (Jun 6, 2010)

HappyHours said:


> YA but have you ever seen an Indian guy date out of his own in the bay area? have you ever with your very own eyes seen him date a black, hispanic, asian, oooorrr the forbidden white woman? (calling it that because down south that will turn a lot of heads)


God damn it, *yes*. Here's an idea, try this: Let me google that for you


----------



## friction (Apr 29, 2011)

HappyHours said:


> YA but have you ever seen an Indian guy date *out of his own* in the bay area? have you ever with your very own eyes seen him date a black, hispanic, asian, oooorrr the forbidden white woman? (calling it that because down south that will turn a lot of heads)


I find it strange that you say "out of his own", as if one's ethnicity is a breed or definitive category. The ethnicity someone is born into/with displays itself physically, but it does not always match someone's ethnic mindset. Please understand this. 

I feel like you are approaching this very narrow-mindedly, so at the end of the day, it's not other people's perceptions that stop you from getting the experiences you desire, but your own inability (unwillingness?) to see past yourself.

Even though other people have stated that they have seen inter-racial couples (incl. Indian guys with white girls), you choose to focus on how you've never seen it. Your experiences are your reality and that's fine, but understand that things you haven't experienced can also be true.


----------



## HappyHours (Sep 16, 2011)

dagnytaggart said:


> God damn it, *yes*. Here's an idea, try this: Let me google that for you


would have preferred to see pictures but okay


----------

