# My Entp seems a bit passive aggressive lately...no clue why



## MissAnthrope (Apr 7, 2018)

He and I have been texting back and forth for about 7-8 months now and generally the frequency of our conversations have been rather inconsistent because of our busy schedules. These days we both have free time and so we’ve been able to chat more, however I understand that Entps are like the “introverted extroverts” and so I figured he would appreciate some alone time the way I do. I text him every day, but when I feel like I need to give us both some solitude I keep those texts brief and to the point like “How are you feeling?” and “Have you eaten yet?” (I like checking up on him). 

Anyway he’s noticed my absence and asked me today where I keep going off to, I responded by telling him that I thought he might appreciate the solitude the way I do every now and then, and that he did indicate he liked being alone sometimes. This is where I think he got offended because he said “I also indicated that I enjoy you. Which makes me conclude you really just needed solitude for yourself, not for me. And I’m also sure you thought that I wouldn’t notice.” I felt like that was an odd and somewhat combative way to put it, he’s generally more chill about things. So I said “Not really, I thought my assumption that you liked alone time was accurate given what I know about you, I wasn’t being insincere. I have no issue admitting that I like being alone, so I don’t need to use you as an excuse to do so, I would just tell you.” 

Anyways he didn’t really comment on that, and I’ve noticed he’s been more sensitive like this often...like he’s looking for a fight, and not the normal sort of fights we have which are often fun intellectual debates about topics we’re both interested in, but like personal, emotional type of fights where I feel like he overanalyses everything I say and do about him and the nature of our relationship. I can’t determine if he’s doing this because he’s bored and wants to troll me or if he genuinely feels more emotional for some reason.


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## Dare (Nov 8, 2016)

It sounds emotional. My ENTP friend HATES being "ignored". ENTPs seem to appreciate sincerity so perhaps ask if you're doing something wrong and try to get to the bottom of it. 

Fwiw my ENTP needs quite a bit of shared time (more than is right for me). If he doesn't get it he gets sensitive/moody. It puts a strain on the (otherwise good) friendship.


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## Mephi (Jun 10, 2015)

Well i can only really speak from personal experience but i wouldnt troll like that. Thats not at all what a boredom behavior looks like from me. This sounds like very emotional behavior. it could be helpful to look into love languages. If his top love language is 'quality time' and that was taken away it might send the wrong signal. For him it might actually be more helpful having someone there just sitting with him doing thier own thing while stressed. Just knowing someone is there for him than to be given space in the same way. It seemed like he took it as a rejection which is why im guessing qualty time is probably very important to him.


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## SilentScream (Mar 31, 2011)

Ask him. Be direct. Listen. Force him to convey his true feelings without judging them. He'll eventually rationalize his own feelings while he's talking to you and give him a total judgement free zone while he's talking. 

The only type related advice I have though is that Tertiary Fe is prone to a certain degree of co-dependence so watch out for that and you might be seeing signs of that. Unfortunately, in younger ExTP's being self-aware or being made self-aware of the neediness/co-dependence is also asking for trouble because it might take a long time to accept that. 

It also makes EXTP's very unlikely to actually confide our true feelings because we're using our Ti to suppress our child-like neediness. In male EXTP's it gets even more pronounced because we're supposed to suppress our feelings so it gets a double whammy.. First from our own internal processing and then also from the external world. EXTP's are usually also close to the "thinking feeler" with the difference being that feeling based judgments are suppressed in favor of rationality but that makes us painfully incapable of expressing our emotions as well. Emotions are irrational. 

This comes out in passive aggressive ways. It's the battle between Ti and Fe. Fe doesn't want to hurt the person we're in love with ... Ti is too much in tune with cause and effect but unaware of the subjectivity of that logic. So if ExTP's feel (rationally or irrationally) that they've been wronged by someone they won't always outright say it. 

It's not always terrible, but it can _get _terrible and hard to handle. I've been there and I wasn't pleasant.


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## SomeOtherName (Apr 17, 2018)

I have had endless issues in relationships due to probably my biggest flaw; I need need NEED people in my life who do care, to show it. I always go out of my way to make sure the people in my life that I care about know it; buy them little trinkets I found that reminded me of them, make them food on bad days, memorize their favourite drinks and randomly surprise them; just little things to express my fondness to them, because I know I'm not always the best at showing it through my conversations with them (I let myself be harsh with the people I care about when we have discussions. it's a habit I'm trying to break.).

But it all comes from a place of me craving that myself. I LOVE when people display affection through random gestures - whether it's a note on my desk or doing my laundry for me, or a message to wake up to, I love it. I hate abandonment. I dislike when people say they care but do nothing to show it, whether they mean it or not. I like when people follow their words through with actions.

In past relationships, even when I have expressed that I like having my alone time, I've preferred that they ask rather then just assume when I need headspace and time to myself. Did you ask him if he wanted some space? Because I know myself, I like when people ask rather than assume. It's nice when people know me well enough to the point where they can literally just tell, but I still like it when they ask - otherwise, if they just cut back on contact because they simply assume it's what I want, my mind starts reeling; "are they looking for a way out? are they getting sick of me? is it them that needs space?" and then, in that moment, even if we really did need space, we spend our time alone assuming you're getting sick of us and were grateful that we may have wanted you to back off for awhile.

I can't speak for every single ENTP but that's my personal experience... I'm not sure if what I just said makes any sense, but I do hope it helps!


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## Kommandant (Jun 27, 2017)

assholekkonen said:


> I have had endless issues in relationships due to probably my biggest flaw; I need need NEED people in my life who do care, to show it. I always go out of my way to make sure the people in my life that I care about know it; buy them little trinkets I found that reminded me of them, make them food on bad days, memorize their favourite drinks and randomly surprise them; just little things to express my fondness to them, because I know I'm not always the best at showing it through my conversations with them (I let myself be harsh with the people I care about when we have discussions. it's a habit I'm trying to break.).
> 
> But it all comes from a place of me craving that myself. I LOVE when people display affection through random gestures - whether it's a note on my desk or doing my laundry for me, or a message to wake up to, I love it. I hate abandonment. I dislike when people say they care but do nothing to show it, whether they mean it or not. I like when people follow their words through with actions.
> 
> ...


Damn, that was quite beautiful :^)


@MissAnthrope I have experienced similar "problems", which lead back to me not communicating well and not showing enough initiative. By asking him about his behaviour you seem to be better off, but I still suggest (as many here already did) to talk directly about _the emotional stuff_.


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## SirCanSir (Mar 21, 2018)

MissAnthrope said:


> He and I have been texting back and forth for about 7-8 months now and generally the frequency of our conversations have been rather inconsistent because of our busy schedules. These days we both have free time and so we’ve been able to chat more, however I understand that Entps are like the “introverted extroverts” and so I figured he would appreciate some alone time the way I do. I text him every day, but when I feel like I need to give us both some solitude I keep those texts brief and to the point like “How are you feeling?” and “Have you eaten yet?” (I like checking up on him).
> 
> Anyway he’s noticed my absence and asked me today where I keep going off to, I responded by telling him that I thought he might appreciate the solitude the way I do every now and then, and that he did indicate he liked being alone sometimes. This is where I think he got offended because he said “I also indicated that I enjoy you. Which makes me conclude you really just needed solitude for yourself, not for me. And I’m also sure you thought that I wouldn’t notice.” I felt like that was an odd and somewhat combative way to put it, he’s generally more chill about things. So I said “Not really, I thought my assumption that you liked alone time was accurate given what I know about you, I wasn’t being insincere. I have no issue admitting that I like being alone, so I don’t need to use you as an excuse to do so, I would just tell you.”
> 
> Anyways he didn’t really comment on that, and I’ve noticed he’s been more sensitive like this often...like he’s looking for a fight, and not the normal sort of fights we have which are often fun intellectual debates about topics we’re both interested in, but like personal, emotional type of fights where I feel like he overanalyses everything I say and do about him and the nature of our relationship. I can’t determine if he’s doing this because he’s bored and wants to troll me or if he genuinely feels more emotional for some reason.


There is also the chance he is just trolling. I mean when in a relationship of any kind i like to play around our standings and sell myself as a prize to keep the interest alive. She could be like "But you werent answering today, so i thought you didnt wanna talk" and I would be like "You didnt call me enough and gave up quickly. Do you like it only when im the one persuing you?" or something like that just for the sake of being playful and having fun. 
If he is ENTP, except if he is having a hard time at the moment or something, or if he was when he texted you, i doubt he was all that sensitive. Messing with you seems to be more possible.


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## SilentScream (Mar 31, 2011)

I love it when people join a forum, make one post and then go away .. but then people keep responding thinking that that person is actually gonna be around to listen h:










I think Missanthrope has probably already forgotten about this forum and this thread. It seems to have been a consequence of in the moment anxiety that's now long gone and forgotten. She never read a single response to her thread :laughing:

Meanwhile I'm still getting notifications from people still on the site. 

Well, that post was totally pointless. :dry:


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## SirCanSir (Mar 21, 2018)

Arrogantly Grateful said:


> I love it when people join a forum, make one post and then go away .. but then people keep responding thinking that that person is actually gonna be around to listen h:
> 
> I think Missanthrope has probably already forgotten about this forum and this thread. It seems to have been a consequence of in the moment anxiety that's now long gone and forgotten. She never read a single response to her thread :laughing:
> 
> ...


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA got trolled hard didnt even check on the dates and thought this one was new. Sorry for your update but its a good way to start your day.


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## SilentScream (Mar 31, 2011)

SirCanSir said:


> HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA got trolled hard didnt even check on the dates and thought this one was new. Sorry for your update but its a good way to start your day.


It's something I'm picking up because of my Si wife who consistently points this shit out to me. I've learned to adopt it too. 

This is actually just a month off. She's pointed out people who've responded directly to the OP after 4 years of them asking :laughing: Dat lack of attention to detail.


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## SomeOtherName (Apr 17, 2018)

Kommandant said:


> Damn, that was quite beautiful :^)
> 
> 
> @MissAnthrope I have experienced similar "problems", which lead back to me not communicating well and not showing enough initiative. By asking him about his behaviour you seem to be better off, but I still suggest (as many here already did) to talk directly about _the emotional stuff_.


aw thank you ^.^


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