# Help With Friend Who Is In Love With A Jerk



## BlissfulDreams (Dec 25, 2009)

I'm really worried about my best friend. She has been talking with a guy online for three years and within the past few months, she's developed feelings for him. He, on the other hand, has always had feelings for her. He made them known shortly after they first began talking and after she told him that she wasn't interested, he backed down. But they continued to talk and he secretly hoped that she'd change her mind.

Right now, she's become very attached to him. They constantly talk on the phone together and if she doesn't speak to him for a while, she gets separation anxiety. They have had at least a few arguments and each time that they fight, this is why she comes back to him. She also makes numerous excuses for his behaviour. At the moment, it seems like there is nothing that he can do that she won't end up forgiving him for later.

In their latest fight, he made an off-handed remark about having slept around with a bunch of "white girls" who were nothing to him -- dirt, trash, or choose your own derogatory term. It was just casual fun. And to him, it was such an afterthought that when they were discussing their romantic pasts, he did not mention it to her because he didn't think it was important or the same as having an actual relationship (which is what he thought she was referring to.) When she found out, she was devastated and incredibly angry at him for lying. But after trying not to talk to him, she became too lonely and tried to justify both his behaviour and why she should forgive him.

I look at all of this and I have no idea why she likes him. What is the appeal? He is sexist, obsessed with making money, has a history of drug use, has a history of dealing drugs, has family members and close friends who deal drugs, has goals that are incompatible with her own, he criticizes her dreams and ambitions, he keeps secrets from her in order to protect her and out of fear that she will reject him, he is far less religious than she is (which is different than what she wanted in a relationship), he is much more traditional-minded than she is, etc. He seems like a fucking manchild.

As it stands, he does not like me and has never spoken to me. He seems to be convinced that I am feeding her ideas and conspiring to make her hate him and he does not want her to talk to me. This itself shot up all sorts of red flags as it's a clear manipulation and control tactic. He also mentions that she would not like him if she knew how he really was, that he is "bad", that he doesn't know why she likes him, and that he doesn't deserve her. (When he says he's "bad", maybe she should listen...)

How the hell would this work? And yet she's planning her life around him. She wants to move to his city after she finishes her Bachelor's degree so that they can get to know each other for a bit and then get married.

This is driving me crazy because I see how much his actions hurt her and I don't know what to do. I can't support their relationship because I do not think he is right for her in any way. Looking at the situation objectively, I can only see things ending really badly. But she is either blind to it or in denial. She seems convinced that he is going to change and that he really has her best interests at heart.

How do I support my friend but make it clear that I do not support her being with him and how do I not go crazy in the process of waiting for the inevitable trainwreck to happen?


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## MonieJ (Nov 22, 2010)

I had a friend like your's. Tell her how you feel about it, that way you won't feel like you didn't give her fair warning about him.

After I told the friend how I felt about this man she met online (way older than her, foot fetish, not workin, etc) she took his side and got mad at me for tellin her the truth. I told her she was an idiot who was blinded by the need for companionship and shouldn't just settle for anyone.

I don't talk to her anymore which is fine with me,the situation was stressin me out. She has tried to get in contact with me but they are still together and I don't feel like dealin with them.

Good luck with it Bliss :happy:


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## kudi (Sep 27, 2011)

Hormones are running wild,she will not be seeing the light anytime soon. The best you can do for her is keep hanging out with her and SUPPORTING her. You have to try to respect her decision to stay. It's her life, and she has to live with the consequences of her actions, whether she stays or leaves, so she has to make the decision on her own.I have no more wisdom to rain down on this one, Google does though.


> If you're concerned for your friend's emotional or physical safety, say something. If you simply want more time alone with her, find a tactful way to ask for it. If it's that you don't like the person, figure out why. Have a heart-to-heart in which you ask your friend's help in understanding this other person, and ask yourself if your dislike has anything to do with your own baggage. If in the end your friend is happy but you really just don't like the guy, minimize the irritation factor by meeting the two of them in situations where you don't have to interact much—for a movie or a play, for instance, instead of a meal.


link


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## BlissfulDreams (Dec 25, 2009)

MonieJ said:


> I had a friend like your's. Tell her how you feel about it, that way you won't feel like you didn't give her fair warning about him.


Thanks Monie. I am being honest with her. In fact, I'm in the middle of writing a very blunt and somewhat harsh analysis of why the whole relationship idea is all kinds of wrong. She may be offended by it or think I'm overreacting, but I know she needs to hear it. I'm not going to pretend that I'm okay with the situation because I'm not. And from the moment she confided in me that she had feelings for this guy, she made me promise her that I would be completely honest with her, that I would never feel like I had withhold my opinion from her, and that if she was becoming too attached or behaving illogically that I would let her know. And this is exactly what I'm doing. It may not be pretty, but I'm calling a spade a spade.



> After I told the friend how I felt about this man she met online (way older than her, foot fetish, not workin, etc) she took his side and got mad at me for tellin her the truth.


Oh, wow. I hope that things aren't too bad with your friend. I really hate when people can't see the obvious dangers of doing something. Perhaps I am overly cautious (an anxiety disorder will do that to you), but I always try to think ahead about potential consequences. If I can envision something really bad happening and/or me getting hurt, there is no way I will do it. I don't need to mess up royally in order to know that something is a bad idea. I just have a hard time understanding why people do things that just seem so stupid. And the worst part is when that's the only way that they can learn or they have to keep making the same mistake over and over and constantly get hurt before they can convince themselves that they should change or that a person wasn't who they thought they were. It's so painful to have to experience that along with someone.



> I told her she was an idiot who was blinded by the need for companionship and shouldn't just settle for anyone.


Yes, my friend is like that too. I think she is settling for the first guy who shows interest in her. I think part of it is the fact that there is HUGE pressure within her cultural community to get married and have children. During one of our conversations, she made a seemingly off-handed comment about how her older sister had wasted too much time trying to obtain her degree and how her parents are on her case about getting married (saying that she is too old and that if she waits too long that no one will want her) and that she doesn't want to be like her. Her sister is only 25 years old and she's one of the most attractive people I have ever met. Guys become putty around her. So, there's no way in hell that she's going to have trouble finding someone. And whether my friend admits it or not, I think this pressure is getting to her. I think that she's so intent on not being like her sister and achieving things right on schedule that she's willing to settle for the first guy who shows interest in her that her parents may approve of. (The only reason they would be accepting of her decision is that he is of the same cultural background and born into the right religion, despite him not practicing it himself. But if they knew his personal history, they'd probably be very hesitant to let them marry.)



> I don't talk to her anymore which is fine with me,the situation was stressin me out. She has tried to get in contact with me but they are still together and I don't feel like dealin with them.


I could never do that. I met my best friend in high school and we've been through a lot together. She's gone through some very traumatic things and even though I envision this ending in a really bad way, I could never abandon her. Even if she ends up pushing me away, I'd be there if she wanted to come crawling back and admit that she was wrong and if she needed a shoulder to cry on.

The thing that bothers me is that this isn't the first time that this has happened. When she was about 14, she met another guy online. They talked for a few years, even on the phone. At that time, she got in a lot of trouble by her parents because there is no dating allowed in her culture and she was racking up long distance charges. :laughing:

And it wasn't until we were friends for over a year (she was 16 or 17 at this point) that she told me about him (the first guy). And I did some fishing and discovered that he was doing the exact same thing with many other girls. She was devastated and swore that she'd never allow herself to be that vulnerable again. But it seems like what's going on right now is pretty much a carbon copy of what happened years ago except that this guy is even worse. She even joked that she always falls for the "bad boys", so she knows he's bad and she still puts up with it. I just really, really hate watching her get hurt. She's very naive and this guy knows it.



kudi said:


> Hormones are running wild,she will not be seeing the light anytime soon. The best you can do for her is keep hanging out with her and SUPPORTING her. You have to try to respect her decision to stay. It's her life, and she has to live with the consequences of her actions, whether she stays or leaves, so she has to make the decision on her own.


The thing that sucks is that I see her about 4-5 times per year. She is insanely busy and constantly stresses herself out by tackling way more than she should in order to not have to think about whatever is stressing herself out at the moment and her own insecurities. So, it's very hard for me to try to keep up to date with what's happening in her life and hold her accountable if I notice that she's behaving in a way that is unlike her usual self.

I also have no idea HOW to support her, as I mentioned above. How do I differentiate being there for her from supporting her decision to be with him? To her, my lack of support for her choice to be with him could very well look like I'm not supporting _her_. Do I just sit back and wait until all hell breaks lose? At what point am I intervening too much or being too abrasive? HOW do I stop my tendency to take on other people's feelings and burdens and allow other people's poor decisions to devastate me?

Though, I thank you for your help, Kudi. It's much appreciated.


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## kudi (Sep 27, 2011)

I'm sorry I could not help more. Matters of the heart can not be easily defeated with logic or reasoning. In these matter the only weapons you got are your feelings, so things like love, acceptance, loyalty, listening and being honest with them. Time helps to.


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## funcoolname (Sep 17, 2011)

I had a friend in a not identical situation, but similar where just unhealthy choices were being made - luckily she's better now. But it did at some point come to me just stepping aside because there was really nothing else I could do and I knew if I pushed too hard I would end up pushing her away completely. It was painful at first, and I think she knew I would be there if she hit bottom because I had been in the past and I would still call her to check in, but there is only so much advice you can give a person and they have to learn for themselves sometimes. There are some pointed questions you can ask to get her thinking, but simply giving your opinion to a person often does nothing, especially if they have shown disinterest to it in the past. Good luck!


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## BlissfulDreams (Dec 25, 2009)

I spoke to my friend today and asked her why she likes this guy so much. I told her that I couldn't understand it at all and that I wondered what could be so great about him that would outweigh all of the bad things she has told me. She couldn't give me a straight answer. She told me that there's just "something" about him and that for whatever reason, she can't stop talking to him. She compared it to an addiction. But after I reminded her of the things she has told me, she brought up that he's a caring person. (He gives money to charity, has been going to the temple more, being generous to the community, etc.) But I reminded her that "bad" people don't appear to be completely bad and will often have an exterior that tries to show off to people. (Plus, he knows she's religious. So I doubt it's a coincidence that he's suddenly become more giving and his attendance at the temple has improved.)

But what really has me worried is a comment he made. For whatever reason, he doesn't believe that she's a virgin and keeps questioning it. (I think he's projecting.) And he made a comment that was like, "we'll just see if you're a virgin when you come here." That creeped me the hell out. I have no idea what that was supposed to mean. I told her that was really freaky and asked her what she thought he meant by that. She didn't know. I half-jokingly asked her if he was planning on "checking" her himself. I don't understand how comments like this don't scare her. I would be really scared if someone said this to me and I wouldn't be able to sleep.

And now I'm scared because she wants to go visit him in December. She's going to visit family and wants to have a connecting flight in his city so that she can meet him at the airport. He has offered to take her out for dinner but she made it clear that she wasn't comfortable. And of course, he brought out the, "Why? Don't you trust me?" excuse. But I am glad that she told him that no, she doesn't trust him because they haven't met.

I realize that she could just visit with him for a couple of hours at the airport and nothing else could happen. But I don't trust this guy. Based upon his lovely comments (such as the one above) and the fact that my friend cannot say no to him and "there's just something about him", I feel really uncomfortable about her going.

Ahh, what should I tell her? Any suggestions?


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## ShadowComet (Aug 14, 2011)

yeah, I'm pretty much looking at something like you will stop talking to her as she proceeds to date this guy, or, you will try to involve yourself, in which case, she may stop talking to you.

At this point, I agree with what someone said about making your opinions and feelings about the situation known to your friend, but remember that you have your own life to live as well, and this may sound cold, but if she doesn't see the light after you argue it with her, then I'm afraid there will really be nothing left that you can do.

Sorry that I don't have anything slightly more positive of a help to offer.


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## funcoolname (Sep 17, 2011)

If she has made up her mind, I don't know what there is to do.. You can tell her he sounds creepy and maybe that will help her put her guard up a little more, but if she's set on meeting him, they'll meet. It could even be a good thing - maybe when she sees him face to face she'll stop being interested or his creepiness will come through in ways it hasn't been able to online. It sounds like she's not 110% sold because she resisted the dinner thing, or at least hopefully she's cautious enough to hold him off. Giving money to charity is the easiest way to make it look like you're a good person, you don't have to get personally involved but you give by just throwing money around. Blah, I sympathize with your frustration, but I would keep things simple and say he sounds like a creep and tell her to be careful, remind her she doesn't actually know him - the end. Warning and protesting someone too much can make them feel like they're doing something exciting and risky in a good way, rather than just stupid. If she just sees him at the airport and then leaves and does nothing else, the guy will have to understand that he has to be in this for the long haul, and I don't associate that with creeps so maybe he'll give up.


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## dizzygirl (Dec 19, 2009)

Okay time for action. Bring out the big guns!
Are you best friends? Really close friends?
If yes, it's time to meddle! Intervene!
Sit her down and tell her that _addictions_ as she put it, aren't good. They are detrimental for you and the 'something' that might be attracting her to him might as well be his underlying deviance. What would be really beneficial now would be if you made her look at other people that she might even find vaguely interesting and ask her why she won't date them?
Tell her that he is dominating her and that he is a habit that she has grown. Bad habits are hard to get rid of as we are seeing even here. Things like these dont usually end fast or well.
My friend presently broke up with her boyfriend just 3 days back( i am still hesitant if she will stay decided on this decision) after 4 years. 2 years of trying to convince her paid off after so very long. It's more often than not extremely tiring for whoever is in the place of the convincer and also a difficult job.
I even had to distance myself for a time because she was so absorbed in him so to speak.
I hope your friend situation goes better.
but there's hope since she at least said that she doesn't trust him.


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