# Need some actual advice now (about trying something new)



## General Lee Awesome (Sep 28, 2014)

so all the other times you asked for advice were bs then?


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## JTHearts (Aug 6, 2013)

@Swede 

Thanks, I'm just really afraid of being lonely, so I'm afraid to break up with her.



johnson.han.3 said:


> so all the other times you asked for advice were bs then?


No -_- I just told someone else that on this thread earlier. They were real, it's just that I didn't feel like there would be any concrete answers.


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## Swede (Apr 2, 2013)

JTHearts said:


> @_Swede_
> 
> Thanks, I'm just really afraid of being lonely, so I'm afraid to break up with her.


Yes, I can understand that. Loneliness can be very hard to deal with. Have you thought more in depth about why you are afraid of being lonely? Are you afraid of missing out, are you afraid of being alone with yourself, are you afraid of being lonely for the rest of your life, or what is the underlying cause for your fear of loneliness?

Do you think that your thoughts about moving somewhere else are an attempt at challenging yourself to be alone? Part of why I was miserable for 5 years after I moved to the US was that I was extremely lonely. The college I went to kept us pretty miserable/stressed and since I am an engineer, there were pretty much no women to hang out with (and the US is way more gender segregated than Sweden is, so that was a culture shock).
I say that in spite of being an introvert who needs plenty of time to myself. 

- The thing is, as a foreigner you WILL be seen as weird and different and that is generally not a good thing. Especially if you feel that you don't 'fit in' into your own society - chances are that you will feel even more out of place in a new country. You have to be extremely thick skinned and secure in yourself to be able to pull through. (However, it can be a positive thing too; if you already feel like an outsider at home, you might as well feel like an outsider away from home where at least there is a 'reason' to feel like an outsider, if that makes sense? In hindsight, leaving my parents was a big part of the motivation. By leaving them, I did not have to feel rejected, since I 'rejected' them, if that makes sense? I think that people who are content with their families very seldom move to other countries, but I might be wrong about that.)
- In addition, when you move to another country as an adult, it is very hard to make new friends because most adults already have established social networks that they are not interested in changing or expanding a whole lot. I have friends now, but it took a long time to get there - especially considering that I am not a person who 'invites' myself into other people's life.
- The time difference makes it really hard to keep in contact with friends and family back home, if you should need support.
- The language barrier can obviously make it very hard to fit in too. Other barrier that are less thought of are the cultural and social barriers; you will not have the same cultural background which makes it harder to connect easily (like growing up with the same TV shows, reading the same kids books growing up, traditions, etc) and you will have to relearn the very subtle social interactions from scratch.

That said, I obviously switched countries as a young adult and I think that it has enriched my life in many ways. I am married and have children, I own a house and have a job, and I have friends here. 
I am honestly not trying to discourage you, but I want you to be realistic so that you are well prepared if you decide to really go for it. If you better understand the challenges, you will be better equipped to handle the difficult times if they were to arise.

I guess that a benefit from moving here was that I HAD to spend so much time alone with myself that I had to learn to be happy being alone. 
The loneliness also gave me a lot of time to analyze my life and deal with my issues, which was essential for me to do in order to move forward and become a happier and more content person. Looking back, I have no regrets, even though it was probably the hardest thing I have ever done.


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## JTHearts (Aug 6, 2013)

Swede said:


> Yes, I can understand that. Loneliness can be very hard to deal with. Have you thought more in depth about why you are afraid of being lonely? Are you afraid of missing out, are you afraid of being alone with yourself, are you afraid of being lonely for the rest of your life, or what is the underlying cause for your fear of loneliness?
> 
> Do you think that your thoughts about moving somewhere else are an attempt at challenging yourself to be alone? Part of why I was miserable for 5 years after I moved to the US was that I was extremely lonely. The college I went to kept us pretty miserable/stressed and since I am an engineer, there were pretty much no women to hang out with (and the US is way more gender segregated than Sweden is, so that was a culture shock).
> I say that in spite of being an introvert who needs plenty of time to myself.
> ...


You actually guessed the 2 reasons I am afraid of being alone: I'm afraid of missing out and I'm afraid I'll be alone forever. I think my parents fed that fear early on.


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## Swede (Apr 2, 2013)

JTHearts said:


> You actually guessed the 2 reasons I am afraid of being alone: I'm afraid of missing out and I'm afraid I'll be alone forever. I think my parents fed that fear early on.


So have you talked about this with someone? Have you gotten advice on how to resolve this fear?

I can tell you a bunch of things from an older person's perspective that may be helpful to you, but to a younger person it will likely come off as cliches or stupid stuff. That is the irony of humanity; every generation seems to reinvent the wheel.


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## JTHearts (Aug 6, 2013)

Swede said:


> So have you talked about this with someone? Have you gotten advice on how to resolve this fear?
> 
> I can tell you a bunch of things from an older person's perspective that may be helpful to you, but to a younger person it will likely come off as cliches or stupid stuff. That is the irony of humanity; every generation seems to reinvent the wheel.


No I haven't talked to anyone about it, except for my online friend. I'm afraid to talk to my therapist about it. 

And what can you tell me about it? Even if they seem cliche or stupid they might help.


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## Swede (Apr 2, 2013)

JTHearts said:


> No I haven't talked to anyone about it, except for my online friend. I'm afraid to talk to my therapist about it.
> 
> And what can you tell me about it? Even if they seem cliche or stupid they might help.


Oh, JTH - you need to talk with your therapist about your concerns - that is exactly why you are in therapy! Why put in the money and energy into therapy, if you don't take full advantage?
What are you scared of? Being judged? I think that your fear of being lonely is an extremely common fear, so it's not like it's making you sound insane or pathetic or anything. I also think that your therapist has very likely heard way worse things. 

I think that if you talk about it with your therapist, you can
a) get help figure out why you feel this way
b) get good advice on how to deal with it, based on the underlying causes
c) get confirmation that your fear is a pretty common fear, so you are not strange in any way
d) get this off your chest, which will make it easier to deal with. Bottling up your fears is not a good way to deal with them, but talking about the,m usually helps.

If you are not comfortable talking with anyone about your more personal fears and problems, try writing instead. Not for anyone in particular, but just for your self. 
Articulating our concerns is a good way to make issues less overwhelming. Reading your written concerns can help you get a different perspective. Hope this makes sense?

In regards to your question, I'll get back to that in a bit. Gotta run for now.


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## 66393 (Oct 17, 2013)

Side note: I recommend majoring in Computer Science instead of IT. You can teach yourself most of the IT stuff in your free time. It's child's play. You'll also be a much stronger job candidate.


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## bluekitdon (Dec 19, 2012)

JTHearts said:


> She threatens me with her tears (and by that I mean "If you don't come see me today I'm gonna cry!") she gets angry at me over little things, she's a huge hypocrite in more ways than one, she doesn't let me talk to anyone while I'm with her yet she texts her guy friends when I'm with her constantly, she tries to force me to have unprotected sex with her, she hates homosexuals (she doesn't know I'm bisexual) and she's so "Christian" I kind of wonder how that justifies her premarital sex :/


Seems like you're not that impressed with your girlfriend, time to move on in my opinion. Find someone you can respect. Don't be so afraid to be alone that you quit your dreams just to fill a void, certainly the right person can help make life better, but the wrong person will just make life miserable.

Regarding Africa or anywhere you decide to move to, I'd at least go visit before you decide to make a major change and move there. It's hard to figure out what life would be like without physically going and checking out a place. Other countries or even other areas of the same country can have major cultural differences that can make life more difficult. I knew a guy that worked for a company over seas that kept asking his boss for a meeting to go over some stuff but couldn't figure out why she wouldn't meet...come to find out that the term he was using for that was being interpreted as he was asking her out on a date because of the local culture. Little things like that can make life more challenging.


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