# I need to talk to someone, please!!!



## NikTorv83 (Sep 1, 2013)

I need to talk to someone!!! I'm in complete and utter despair!!!


----------



## infinitefish (May 24, 2012)

Let it out bro


----------



## GenericUser (May 31, 2012)

double post


----------



## GenericUser (May 31, 2012)

What's going on?
I know despair. We used to hang out together.


----------



## Birthday Cake (Dec 17, 2013)

What's up?

First time here but the title made my heart skip a beat.


----------



## NikTorv83 (Sep 1, 2013)

I just moved to a big city from a small town, and I'm having such a hard time meeting new people. I'm trying my best. I'm going to a lot of Meetups. I came here Feb 1. Yesterday was my first day at work. I feel like such an outsider. I feel so alone. And with the Meetups, I put so much "awesomeness" into them going in, like: I'm going to meet so many people and make so many friends.... But that doesn't happen. So I come back home to my lonely apartment deflated and hurt. The trip from work or from a Meetup back to my apartment is like a painful, lonely, spirit-breaking journey.


----------



## RosettaStoned (Mar 11, 2014)

I have a similar problem and I've lived here my whole life.

Have you tried googling something like "[adjective] bars in [city]" or "[genre] concerts in [city]"?


----------



## cityofcircuits (Nov 8, 2010)

Hey, if you live in Seattle, let's hang.


----------



## FakeLefty (Aug 19, 2013)

NikTorv83 said:


> I just moved to a big city from a small town, and I'm having such a hard time meeting new people. I'm trying my best. I'm going to a lot of Meetups. I came here Feb 1. Yesterday was my first day at work. I feel like such an outsider. I feel so alone. And with the Meetups, I put so much "awesomeness" into them going in, like: I'm going to meet so many people and make so many friends.... But that doesn't happen. So I come back home to my lonely apartment deflated and hurt. The trip from work or from a Meetup back to my apartment is like a painful, lonely, spirit-breaking journey.


Yeah that's the characteristic of a big city. Unlike a small town, people aren't gonna be as receptive towards social interaction and aren't gonna go out of their way to talk to you. It's a very impersonal environment and it's gonna take some time before you're gonna make a bunch of friends. Now pay attention to how I said "it's gonna take some time," because although progress may be slow at first, eventually you'll start to make some friends as people grow more accustomed to you. 

The problem here is that you've brought a small-town mentality into a big city, and you may be going through a culture shock. Just give it some time and eventually you'll start to make friends. 

I would explain things a bit better but it's 4:51 in the morning right now where I'm living and my brain isn't functioning as well as it should.


----------



## NikTorv83 (Sep 1, 2013)

I'm in the Midwest.


----------



## NikTorv83 (Sep 1, 2013)

FakeLefty said:


> The problem here is that you've brought a small-town mentality into a big city, and you may be going through a culture shock. Just give it some time and eventually you'll start to make friends.


I went to 6th grade, 7th grade, and college in NYC. I identify (or yearned for "the city life" for a large portions of my 20s).


----------



## GenericUser (May 31, 2012)

Whenever I start a new job or other endeavor I have to keep telling myself over and over that the loneliness and awkwardness will end after a settling-in period. It always does. I have found that meetups are one of the least productive settings for making friends (for me). When I had opportunities to work with 1 person or a small group of people, whether it was a project at work, a small class at the gym or volunteering for some organization I made a lot of progress toward feeling not only like my existence was acknowledged but also like I was being befriended. I believe experiences bond people together more than personality or common interests.

I once had to work with a senior person at work on a job in which we drove 2 hours to the site and 2 hours back every day. She was hard core serious, aggressive and intimidating and it was very taxing on my soul. One day on the way home there was a pheasant and it's little chicks crossing the road and she accidentally ran over them. It was brutal - we could feel their bodies tumbling under the car and see them flinging into the ditch. She wiped them all out. She stopped the car and cried. Despite her hard personality she loved animals and was hurt to her core. I helped her come down from that. She was worried I would be telling jokes about her at the office but I let her know I would never do that and I didn't think it was funny and I understood how it could cut her like that. We became friends after that.

Once people get a glimpse of who you are, @*NikTorv83* they will love you. They just need the opportunity see who you are. Many people never have the chance to meet somebody with such passion of depth of feeling. Hang in there.


----------



## StElmosDream (May 26, 2012)

@NikTorv83
Culture shock is a difficult state, typically following a bell shaped curve: alien-outsider, hints of familiarity, integrate old experiences with new ones, accept new environs 60-80% feeling a sense of belonging... often very common to vacilitate between any one or more states for the few 2-12 weeks of transition.

The key point here is seeking hints of familiarity in things like places that serve known foods, host common hobbies, places you might become a regular face (i.e. cafes or bars or libraries) and seeking outlets of socialisation that feel vaguely familiar (specialist interest groups, gamer conventions or a common book store chain to discuss a favourite subject). 

The mistake people often make during stages 2 and 3 is trying too many new things before they have a firm basis of 'what I know vaguely versus what sets me as the new awkward outsider trying something new' and hyper generalising as Westerners so often do when abroad, wondering why India for example has no alcohol bars* then dismissing a whole cultural mindset as too impure for their tastes (rigid thinking and assumed superiority).

*Just to clarify I don't know if India, The Middle East or Asia does serve alcohol or where or even what types.


----------



## 54-46 ThatsMyNumber (Mar 26, 2011)

NikTorv83 said:


> I'm in the Midwest.



Can you be more specific? You talking big city like Chicago or big city like Des Moines or Grand Forks.


----------



## NikTorv83 (Sep 1, 2013)

54-46 ThatsMyNumber said:


> Can you be more specific? You talking big city like Chicago or big city like Des Moines or Grand Forks.


I'm in Chicago.


----------



## Eggsies (Feb 5, 2013)

Bumping for the cause. Let's get Nik some friends!


----------



## yet another intj (Feb 10, 2013)

NikTorv83 said:


> I just moved to a big city from a small town, and I'm having such a hard time meeting new people. I'm trying my best. I'm going to a lot of Meetups. I came here Feb 1.


Dude! Calm down... You are not visiting another planet to represent mankind. Many of those "big city" people also came from small towns, just like you. You don't have to immediately meet new people on purpose. You are already swarmed by them, right? By the way, you will lose those "easy friends" first. Just be nice and go with the flow. Being reachable and focusing on moderation is more than enough to socialize properly.



NikTorv83 said:


> Yesterday was my first day at work. I feel like such an outsider. I feel so alone.


Do you seriously think that "feeling like a lonely outsider when it's your first day at work" is weird? That's not even a real problem. It's your healthy reaction to the change. Those people (and you) need time to feel comfortable. There's nothing wrong with you and you don't have to do anything crazy to "solve" it. It's simple: Do your thing while being patient.



NikTorv83 said:


> And with the Meetups, I put so much "awesomeness" into them going in, like: I'm going to meet so many people and make so many friends.... But that doesn't happen.


Hopefully.



NikTorv83 said:


> So I come back home to my lonely apartment deflated and hurt. The trip from work or from a Meetup back to my apartment is like a painful, lonely, spirit-breaking journey.


There's something bigger behind your insignificant issue... Deep inside... What's wrong?


----------

