# Can I get help making sense of why I'm so emotional and focused on people's opinions of me, as a thinker?



## ShushFox (3 mo ago)

Necrofantasia said:


> Mkay so if people are good at something they intimidate you and alienate you
> But if you find they are lacking in something you expect them to have it also makes you drop them too. This method filters anyone who wouldn't willingly become a mouthpiece in an echo chamber without them ever having a conversation with you.
> 
> This seems a touch unwinnable tbh. Under that method my talking to you is futile because I know this is just you holding on to a comfort zone and it's become entrenched into your view of who you are to the point trying to illuminate a different path is futile because it's become your tried and true survival strategy.
> ...


I neither want to take care of people nor have them take care of me. We can take care each of other once we've gotten to know each other and have a level of closeness.

That level is not fixed in stone and can easily snap out if I feel burdened by someone or meeting their expectations. Whether as a 'follower/subservient' or a 'leader/aide'.

I barely understand and can maintain my own expectations of other people so how do I keep up with theirs? It's all too much emotion. I can immediately find faults in people, yes including me, and get tired of trying to fix it or ignore it or work around it or whatever. It's exhausting and at some point, everyone has a thing they can't fix easily, or don't want to fix because of a blind spot in their self-image. Often they even accept and embolden those traits. I don't accept my weaknesses but I find working on them draining. Believe me when I say I try to compensate for them and adapt to people as much as possible - my goals long-term always have been to help others and society at large - but it's just too exhausting and I'm sick of people. I'm also sick of being alone though, so yes, you (cornered) me, good job.

I don't immediately dismiss people btw- often they won't even know how much I dislike them until I've taken time to get to know them better and even have a fake connection going. But if they want me to have a view or take on a hobby with them, and it goes against my comfort zone, I can and will push them out in some time. People will not understand how I see most entertainment as poison and/or overstimulating, and most views as naive or overconfident. To understand that, you'd need to empathize with a rare and weird person like me. Most people pre-write off autistics, conspiracists, and cowards.


On "love" relationships in particular;

- I have always found anyone interested in me romantically or sexually as creepy - and this extends to a trauma

- Even if I try to go on with people, I can't meet their expectations to be people-oriented and they can't meet mine to be things-oriented

- Trying new things often has me on the short end of the stick. Everyone wants me to try theirs but nobody is ever interested in mine. So I cut it out by saying "let's not talk about hobbies, eh?"


-Oh and other thinker types are generally too confident and self-reliant to have any use for me - I'm just weighing them down with my cowardice


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## Necrofantasia (Feb 26, 2014)

ShushFox said:


> That level is not fixed in stone and can easily snap out if I feel burdened by someone or meeting their expectations. Whether as a 'follower/subservient' or a 'leader/aide'.


Is there no middle ground between those two?



ShushFox said:


> I barely understand and can maintain my own expectations of other people so how do I keep up with theirs?


Let go of the expectations. Truly question why you need them and you'll find more than a few aren't as necessary as you think they are.
Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional, unnecessary, and often of our own making.







ShushFox said:


> It's all too much emotion. I can immediately find faults in people, yes including me, and get tired of trying to fix it or ignore it or work around it or whatever. It's exhausting and at some point, everyone has a thing they can't fix easily, or don't want to fix because of a blind spot in their self-image. Often they even accept and embolden those traits. I don't accept my weaknesses but I find working on them draining.


Do people need to be flawless in each other's eyes for them to be friends? Think of all the expectations you're placing on yourself and others* just *to associate. Do you really need everyone to be a moral exemplar or Mother Theresa just to enjoy their company? It's fine if you're selective about your inner circle, maybe having tiers of association would help you not miss as many opportunities as you would with a pure binary. But you're letting your anxiety run the show and decide your life before you can live it. If you're constantly isolated or on guard, you begin interpreting neutral cues as negative, people pick up on it and avoid you.

I personally found the less I expected from people the more pleasantly surprised I was. It's not always going to be the case, but it happens enough that I found it worth sticking with.







ShushFox said:


> Believe me when I say I try to compensate for them and adapt to people as much as possible - my goals long-term always have been to help others and society at large - but it's just too exhausting and I'm sick of people. I'm also sick of being alone though, so yes, you (cornered) me, good job.


Look I'm just someone who's walked the path you're currently on. My intent is not argumentative, it's preventive. Bluntly put: it gets more difficult as you age. People have preestablished cliques and are set in their ways by 25. The number one issue faced by seniors is isolation and it's the leading cause of suicide. You're in the stage where it's as easy as it'll ever be to develop a thicker skin and find people you look up to as friends. It sucks, but that's the way of it. What you have now is an armor, one that really sucks to move in.




ShushFox said:


> I don't immediately dismiss people btw- often they won't even know how much I dislike them until I've taken time to get to know them better and even have a fake connection going. But if they want me to have a view or take on a hobby with them, and it goes against my comfort zone, I can and will push them out in some time. People will not understand how I see most entertainment as poison and/or overstimulating, and most views as naive or overconfident. To understand that, you'd need to empathize with a rare and weird person like me. Most people pre-write off autistics, conspiracists, and cowards.


Ok so you don't immediately dismiss them you just go into the first conversation predisposed to dislike them and label things negatively out the gate. That's....different? No not really sry. In both cases they aren't given a fair chance.
Would it be unreasonable to say confirmation bias may be having a little too much free reign here? Because this setup really seems like it encourages it.



ShushFox said:


> On "love" relationships in particular;
> 
> - I have always found anyone interested in me romantically or sexually as creepy - and this extends to a trauma


Standard low self esteem distortion. It's all illusory. Says more about you than them. It's a hindrance your brain makes to protect you that does more harm than good. There are many like it.




ShushFox said:


> - Even if I try to go on with people, I can't meet their expectations to be people-oriented and they can't meet mine to be things-oriented


Not fully, but find people that are understanding that personal change is a long process and won't expect you to be the life of the party in a week and are ok with partial improvements.
You're not going to get a kid to be an olympic swimmer by yeeting them into the deep end of a pool as their first swimming lesson.




ShushFox said:


> - Trying new things often has me on the short end of the stick. Everyone wants me to try theirs but nobody is ever interested in mine. So I cut it out by saying "let's not talk about hobbies, eh?"


Let yourself try new shit for its own sake if it seems harmless, even if you're alone. Eventually you may grow to find having others around and having to look after them while exploring new things is more of a nuisance. At least until you find folks with interests that are at least parallel to yours.
Novelty and new experiences are correlated with happier lives. * Not saying you should Force it.* But that if you allow yourself to relax and experiment when you can it will ultimately add to your life.




ShushFox said:


> -Oh and other thinker types are generally too confident and self-reliant to have any use for me - I'm just weighing them down with my cowardice


Why must people find utility in you to enjoy your company? You're not an appliance.
Thinkers may not be super saccharine or validating or demonstrative but they do have ways to signal appreciation. If they choose to give you their time and converse with you, trust their decision, it wasn't made lightly.


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## ShushFox (3 mo ago)

Necrofantasia said:


> Is there no middle ground between those two?
> 
> 
> Let go of the expectations. Truly question why you need them and you'll find more than a few aren't as necessary as you think they are.
> ...


It's as simple as "i see most popular things as mind and soul poison" with most of this. I get judged a lot, I also get roped in a lot. My anxiety is not unjustified, it's a result of experiences. More things in life are bad than you know, and we take a lot of bad for granted. Do you know what is in the air you breathe or your drinking water? Apply that to how modern music, sports, etc changes the mind. I don't want to add on to unhealthy habits.


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## ShushFox (3 mo ago)

> Why must people find utility in you to enjoy your company? You're not an appliance.


@Necrofantasia

Simple, because they want me to care about them - either as a tool or someone to vent to or someone who take interest in them. I'm an INTP, I talk about everything from a distance, caring is the last thing I either want or like to do.

It's exposing me to more chances of messing up, being judged or getting roped in. If you're not used to being personal and emotional, having a life and experiences, then starting feels artificial and fake. It also makes people ask why you're so far behind - well I was raised that way. I don't need people's negative opinions of me any more than they need mine.

I still am waiting for the day I move out and can "really start to live my life".


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## Necrofantasia (Feb 26, 2014)

ShushFox said:


> It's as simple as "i see most popular things as mind and soul poison" with most of this. I get judged a lot, I also get roped in a lot. My anxiety is not unjustified, it's a result of experiences. More things in life are bad than you know, and we take a lot of bad for granted. Do you know what is in the air you breathe or your drinking water? Apply that to how modern music, sports, etc changes the mind. I don't want to add on to unhealthy habits.


I am not saying your anxiety is unjustified, I am saying you don't need this much, and letting it run unmanaged to such a degree will likely bring you more suffering in the long run. Your armour keeps you safe but it also restricts you immensely. 




ShushFox said:


> Simple, because they want me to care about them - either as a tool or someone to vent to or someone who take interest in them. I'm an INTP, I talk about everything from a distance, caring is the last thing I either want or like to do.


OK, if you need human interaction for psychological wellbeing, wouldn't that be a reason to, if not care, at least give them a proper chance and forgive their imperfections a little more? And gradually your own? 
If I could I'd be a schizoid, but I couldn't live as one, I tried.
Life Is Pain: Why a Life Without Pain Guarantees True Suffering




ShushFox said:


> It's exposing me to more chances of messing up, being judged or getting roped in. If you're not used to being personal and emotional, having a life and experiences, then starting feels artificial and fake. It also makes people ask why you're so far behind - well I was raised that way. I don't need people's negative opinions of me any more than they need mine.


If you're unaccustomed you also place an enormous amount of pressure on yourself and others every single interaction, which rigs them to fail and creates a self-fulfilling prophecy that keeps you stuck in a prison of your own making. This pattern stays unless you deliberately force it to break. There is an adjustment period to deal with unfortunately. Instant gratification is a luxury. 



ShushFox said:


> I still am waiting for the day I move out and can "really start to live my life".


 You're living and dying every second as we speak, I'm afraid.
That being said, you will get more options as you grow, but your errors will cost you more.


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## Oaktree (2 mo ago)

Practice.

You have the memories of times when you felt the things you didn't want to be feeling. Relive those memories, and practice feeling different emotions during the reliving of those memories. You will have to fake it. You will not find change overnight, but one day you'll encounter a situation and notice you feel different. Computers are programmed by using computer programming language. Human beings are programmed through human language. Use affirmations and self-hypnosis. Patience and repetition are key. Use them to your advantage.


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