# The Divorce is Final



## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

I don't know if anyone reads these things or not, but I feel like putting this down somewhere. After nearly 20 years together, and 16 years married, I find myself in the sad position of having lost my wife, lover, best friend, and confidant. The divorce papers became "official" a week ago this past Friday. 

Just 37 days, five weeks ago, I had a wife. I lived in a small, but nice, four-bedroom house. I was living a comfortable middle-class life without many worries. Now I am alone; living in a studio apartment; my "check engine" light on my car is on, and I am afraid to find out why. My world has fallen so far, so fast, I don't even know where to begin picking up all the pieces. I know I will make it, I will be okay; but dammit, I am about to turn 45! I took vows to be with this woman for the rest of my life and now I am bereft, abandoned, and lost. Everything I believed to be true has vanished without a trace. 

She says she began to be disillusioned with our marriage sometime last Spring and by the end of the Summer, she pretty much knew she no longer wanted to be married to me. She didn't do or say anything about this to me. She didn't fight for our marriage with her every breath. She allowed the worries and struggles of everyday life weigh her down to the breaking point, but every time she thought about telling me how she felt there was something more pressing: a massive work project got dumped in her lap, her troubled sister moved in with us, various business trips out of town; by then it was the holidays, then more trips out of town for both of us. Essentially, she perpetuated a sham for at least 7 months. I knew something was "off," but I thought she was just under a lot of pressure, so I tried to be supportive and give her space. 

It was Saturday, 2/14/15, Valentine's Day, the night my life would change forever. We had just come home from a dinner date at our favorite eatery. I was preparing for bed, and she was talking with her mother (who also lived with us) when her smart phone went off. We had a policy of turning the ringers on our phones off in the bedroom because she gets way too many E-mails and texts for work, at all hours and it wakes me up, so I unlocked her phone and turned the volume down, only to find her Google Chat window was up and there was an active conversation with a man I did not recognize. At first I figured he was just a colleague of hers, but then I noticed the texts were oddly personal..._too personal_. I tracked back through the texts and found that she was sexting him (and even sent him a nude photo of herself). These were all things she used to do with me. Worse, these texts began last November. I blew a fuse. I confronted her almost immediately, and she refused to acknowledge the affair, but asked me for a divorce. I quickly called a friend and asked to stay at his place and began to pack. I have not spent another night in that house since, nor is it likely I ever will. 

She was my rock. It was she who put the very ground under my feet and gave me space to dream; only to cruelly pull it out from under me and leave me to drift without her. What I wouldn't give for one more kiss, one more kind caress, one more playful moment lying in bed talking and laughing, one more trip to Europe with the woman I loved so deeply; but there's no fire in her eyes when she looks at me anymore. There's no sense of awe and wonder in her voice when she speaks to me. The amazing, wonderful, indescribable love we once shared has died within her. The person I see now is a mere shadow of what she once was. She appears to me as someone whose spirit has been broken by the realities of a life she never chose to live; by the many burdens she never expected to bear. I can't believe she's gone. I don't want to believe she's gone. She's gone, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. Her love for me has died, but the memory of that love lingers on. 

Almost 20 years of memories flood my brain and fill my eyes with tears as we have been slowly untangling the life we have created together. I have all but begged her to start again to no avail. She is determined to move on without me. I have reduced the remainder of my belongings to an 8'x8'x4' pile of boxes and assorted items in the middle of what was our garage. According to the divorce decree, I have 60 days to take possession and remove them from the house we once shared. I will probably have to put most of it in storage. 

For the time being, I will remain where I am as I weigh my options. Long-term, I seriously doubt I shall remain in this city. It is too expensive, has too many memories, and without my wife, there's nothing holding me here. For many years, I have longed to live closer to my family, and they live far from here. I will probably seek out opportunities to move closer to them. Who knows what tomorrow may bring?


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## Reluctanine (May 11, 2014)

@tanstaafl28

I'm sorry this had to happen to you. It sounds like you did everything you could. I did read your post and I heard you, so if you feel like you need to write some more, please do.


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## Chris Merola (Jul 11, 2014)

im so sorry for your lost love, you deserved better for those 20 years. She cheated and didnt express herself to you, she betrayed your vows and love. She took the most purely innocent and powerful force of intimacy and spat on it. Screw her.


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## hksfdgknsjbdklrafbku (Jan 2, 2015)

I can't get over how wrong it was of her to do this to you. It must feel like you're mourning for the person you thought you knew. So sorry for you.


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## Sina (Oct 27, 2010)

I am so sorry. I have responded at length on your thread, and I was going through your blog here after you posted an update today. This is just heartbreaking. Cheating is unforgivable. God..I hate what you are going through.


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## WeirdRaptor28 (Aug 25, 2014)

Sir, I feel so much for what you're going through. You think you know someone... giving it your everything... sticking to what you have no matter what... and then it ends...

I hope all the negatives you're feeling now will fade in time. 

Believe me when I say I know how it feels to have someone you love not tell you everything... 

I think there's a lesson in here somewhere.

"She appears to me as someone whose spirit has been broken by the realities of a life she never chose to live; by the many burdens she never expected to bear. "

And now my eyes are welling up with tears...


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

Perhaps part of the problem was we both stopped giving it everything. We reduced it to "going through the motions," and I thought that was good enough, but she didn't.


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## reptilian (Aug 5, 2014)

Not embarrassed to say I shed a tear reading this... 

This is why im always afraid of serious relationships, me being on the cheating side or her. I dont trust anyone, not even myself.


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