# People who don't love



## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

NipNip said:


> Yes, the person I'm describing, to my mind, is extremely compassionate and perhaps one of the best-natured people I've ever met. Not in the conventional, social butterfly kind of way. But the way they stick around, go through a lot of trouble making sense of everything, show interest and consider and respect all points of view, etc. Also high moral/ethics, which I would say adds to their tremendous honesty and genuinity of character.
> 
> All the good things... Except one needs the right kind of eye to see it, themselves included.
> 
> Of course I can't say for 100% sure I'm not projecting these things, but I want to trust to my 'intuition' here, micro-level awareness. And honestly, what other basis could there be but (a certain kind) of love?


Did this person have a history of being in a painful relationship? Like did they have an abusive romantic relationship, or was one of their parents abusive or perhaps suffering from a disorder that interfered with parenting like severe substance abuse problems or narcissism?

I started going down the rabbit hole of learning about relationship problems etc.

But I was watching this video at 10:15 he talks about someone who's gotten out of a traumatic relationship, and then he later talks about how to interact with someone who had previously had a traumatic relationship (12 min).






So I guess...I don't know anything about this person, but it sounds like they don't have a history (or they haven't shown you one) of callous behavior, but it's possible they were hurt by someone in the past and they don't feel like they can open up to love?

Either way--I think people need space. They need to be able to define their own feelings. For whatever reason this person says they cannot love so I would just listen to and respect that. And if they show signs of callous behavior or whatever, probably you should run. I guess you could watch the whole video if you want to see the advice and suggestions about identifying a psychopath in the context of dating (I think it could also help with identifying narcissism since they seem to have some things in common). 

But it's really up to your friend to decide what they want to do with their emotions and what they are ready for, as well as how they feel.


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## Electra (Oct 24, 2014)

Love is a feeling, and trying to extress it is like trying to express the taste of strawberries versus raspberies in words, or explaining what the color pink feels like, imo


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## Sentimentality (Oct 9, 2020)

Everyone loves in their own way


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

NipNip said:


> Do you believe those people?
> 
> Or would you say _anyone _is inherently capable of love? And so, those who claim they aren't, are just dealing with a 'blockage' (= not allowing themselves, too far removed from their feeling, never _made to feel_ by anyone).
> 
> ...


How do you define "love." In what sense are you speaking of it here?


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

Electra said:


> Love is a feeling, and trying to extress it is like trying to express the taste of strawberries versus raspberies in words, or explaining what the color pink feels like, imo


I suspect it is more than just a feeling. I've also heard it called a verb. If you love someone, there are things you are willing to do for/with them. This does follow my experience with love. 









Love Is A Verb


Love is not a one-time thought or feeling. It’s a continual action, continual choice, continual promise to another person. Love is a verb.




thoughtcatalog.com


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## NipNip (Apr 16, 2015)

tanstaafl28 said:


> How do you define "love." In what sense are you speaking of it here?


The full array. Caring about someone/something to the extend that it renders one 'emotionally dependent'.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

NipNip said:


> The full array. Caring about someone/something to the extend that it renders one 'emotionally dependent'.


Is "emotional dependence" an issue for you?


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## NipNip (Apr 16, 2015)

tanstaafl28 said:


> Is "emotional dependence" an issue for you?


I wouldn't say so, no. Though reciprocity tends to be a deciding factor. If this thing isn't available, it's hard to deny the dramatic flip side.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

NipNip said:


> I wouldn't say so, no. Though reciprocity tends to be a deciding factor. If this thing isn't available, it's hard to deny the dramatic flip side.


I posted that Love is a verb. What do you think of that?


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## NipNip (Apr 16, 2015)

tanstaafl28 said:


> I posted that Love is a verb. What do you think of that?


Wouldn't really look at it in any other way. Title here doesn't read: "People who don't _salmon_" -- salmon (n.) what...? _smell like_ salmon? _bone their_ salmon? It's not a grammar error. Clearly "love" is a verb.
And I would say I _am _loving. I love the person I described at the end. I love strangers/people in passing. I love most of my family. To love romantically, then, looking at it that way, is either a fake (variation/extension on theme) or an intense fixation (which is why I said, "best reciprocated"). What do you think?


* *





*salmon *
verb
DEFINITIONS1


to ride a bicycle against the flow of traffic
_If you are in an accident with a vehicle *while salmoning* and you are seriously injured your chances of recovering from the driver in a lawsuit are slim to none._


Yeah screw you, dictionary...


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## sandras (Jul 8, 2018)

Is anybody interested to love me? You can always start....Start by loving me


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## Trueself (Dec 8, 2020)

Forgive my asking... do you want them to love _you_?
In your place, I’d reflect on why I feel so compelled to *make* another - friend, foe, robot or lover - do or feel anything? Your intervention is rarely needed in other people’s lives, even when what they say triggers you in some way. Then, as love also comes with respect for another’s autonomy and free reign over how they to live their life, I’d back off from pining over whether you can make this person see anything about love.
If they will see anything, it will be at the right time for them, with or without your efforts.


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## NipNip (Apr 16, 2015)

Trueself said:


> Forgive my asking... do you want them to love _you_?
> In your place, I’d reflect on why I feel so compelled to *make* another - friend, foe, robot or lover - do or feel anything? Your intervention is rarely needed in other people’s lives, even when what they say triggers you in some way. Then, as love also comes with respect for another’s autonomy and free reign over how they to live their life, I’d back off from pining over whether you can make this person see anything about love.
> If they will see anything, it will be at the right time for them, with or without your efforts.


Agreed, and I'm trying hard to respect that. Reason says: 100% this, what you're saying. It's just that there's an annoying counterforce to this in the form of my own feelings.
You know I was rereading _Norwegian Wood_. First chapter: "I could tell that all kinds of thoughts were whirling around in her head,_ so rather than intrude on them I kept silent and walked by her side_." Also what Alan Watts says: you let the universe play out by itself; you're just the observer.


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## Trueself (Dec 8, 2020)

NipNip said:


> Agreed, and I'm trying hard to respect that. Reason says: 100% this, what you're saying. It's just that there's an annoying counterforce to this in the form of my own feelings.
> You know I was rereading _Norwegian Wood_. First chapter: "I could tell that all kinds of thoughts were whirling around in her head,_ so rather than intrude on them I kept silent and walked by her side_." Also what Alan Watts says: you let the universe play out by itself; you're just the observer.


You don’t need to walk silently along them. If you do try hard to make them see just because you love them so, you may find yourself a year from now heart broken and feeling worthless. It’s possible for someone to be compassionate and kind, and a total nightmare in Romantic scenarios be sure of their avoidant/insecure attachment styles.


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## NipNip (Apr 16, 2015)

Trueself said:


> I hope this helps you. I was also told by a man a while while back that he couldn’t quite love easily if ever and that he ever will it will take him a long time. Turns out he was low key stringing me along. I tossed and turned to prove to him how love feels and looks like. I loved him for 4 years more or less openly.
> 
> I now know he actually meant - “ummm I like that you’re so into me but I don’t love you.”
> Some people say ridiculous stuff like “boo, I can’t love” but they mean something else.
> Back away. You don’t need to walk silently along them. If you do try hard to make them see just because you love them so, you may find yourself a year from now heart broken and feeling worthless. It’s possible for someone to be compassionate and kind, and a total nightmare in Romantic scenarios be sure of their avoidant/insecure attachment styles.


I suppose that's what I'm trying to figure out. And I see what you're saying as legitimate possibility (in fact, most likely simply the truth), and I must come off the illusion to protect myself.
But then again, the other voice is telling me not to buy into it and 'be the enlightenment'; how could it be they're not just frozen inside and all you gotta do is wait for them to see. Unhealthy. Highly destructive. But probably my own attachment not being able to face/accept the facts. Although, in my defense, there is some empirical ground to believe in that path too (among other things, my own history + the subject's general profile/situation).


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## Trueself (Dec 8, 2020)

NipNip said:


> I suppose that's what I'm trying to figure out. And I see what you're saying as legitimate possibility (in fact, most likely simply the truth), and I must come off the illusion to protect myself.
> But then again, the other voice is telling me not to buy into it and 'be the enlightenment'; how could it be they're not just frozen inside and all you gotta do is wait for them to see. Unhealthy. Highly destructive. But probably my own attachment not being able to face/accept the facts. Although, in my defense, there is some empirical ground to believe in that path too (among other things, my own history + the subject's general profile/situation).


The highest quality spiritual advice opens you to self-compassion before compassion towards others, and to equanimity. If it feels like attachment, infatuation with a hint of grief, these are ok to feel and normal, but they’re not what your wiser self would encourage you to pursue further.


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## Feather Yewfrost (Mar 30, 2015)

I think there are 2 kinds of people: those who love and those who don't know how to love.

I believe you learn a good part of what is love through your family and the way they love you (or not) when you are a kid. Later on you might develop your own ideas about it, depending how reflective and critical you are, and practice the same love you received or a different one.

As we all have our own interpretation of reality, we have too our own version of love.

In my opinion love should always be patient, kind, selfless and so on. If it is different than that it is not love. Love should always feel good, but not in the literal sense. Through love you can feel pain, sadness and anger too sometimes. But all these negative emotions will serve for a bigger purpose, for your personal growth. People who love you should challenge you and make you a better person. When you truly love someone you know it, cause it doesn't matter what they do, you will love them still (respecting yourself of course).

For me love is a decision too, not only a feeling. You feel it cause you choose this person in the good and the bad. You love someone how you would like them to love you. And if someone doesn't know how to love you, if they truly care for you they should be open to learn to treat you the way you love them. It's selfless when it's a healthy kind of love.


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## ENFPathetic (Apr 3, 2018)

DOGSOUP said:


> I've also been wondering.... what does it mean to truly be in love.... it looks so different to people. Like a romantic partner bringing them fish and chips. Is that "true love"? To me, that is what roommates do to each other. Lol.


The distinction is degree of intimacy. If your roommate brings you fish and chips, this is an act of love. They do it regularly enough, you're eventually going to love them for it. It's possible to love your roommate more than you love a romantic partner that you're in love with. But if you don't have the desire to undress your roommate and get intimate, you can't be in love with them. Hope that makes sense.


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## DOGSOUP (Jan 29, 2016)

ENFPathetic said:


> The distinction is degree of intimacy. If your roommate brings you fish and chips, this is an act of love. They do it regularly enough, you're eventually going to love them for it. It's possible to love your roommate more than you love a romantic partner that you're in love with. But if you don't have the desire to undress your roommate and get intimate, you can't be in love with them. Hope that makes sense.


Well no no, it had nothing to do with undressing in that instance. It was the same act of bringing fish and chips but suddenly it becomes an expression of _romance _when done by a fwb rather than fw/ob. Most heatedly romantic couples eventually turn into a pair of roommates who might not even LIKE each other.

I guess I just don't understand this conflation between naked intimacy (whatever that refers to hem hem) and romance.


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## ENFPathetic (Apr 3, 2018)

DOGSOUP said:


> Well no no, it had nothing to do with undressing in that instance. It was the same act of bringing fish and chips but suddenly it becomes an expression of _romance _when done by a fwb rather than fw/ob. Most heatedly romantic couples eventually turn into a pair of roommates who might not even LIKE each other.


I see where you're coming from. It's the symbolic effect. Everyone is different so we can't all relate or completely understand it, but we can at least imagine it. For example, someone hearing the words "I'm proud of you", from their father or a coach who raised them, taught them, and guided them will mean a lot more than the same words coming from one of their peers. Same words, different value and meaning. Same fish and chips, different value and meaning. Hope that makes sense.


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## sandras (Jul 8, 2018)

I HATE BITCHES. THAT MEANS ALL FEMALES OTHER THAN ME. ESPECIALLY FROM THIS FORUM. THIS FORUM IS SO HATEFUL THEY HAVE BEEN RUINING MY LIFE SINCE 2014. THEY MADE ME CRAZY BECAUSE OF BITCHES OF COURSE. SHAME ON YOU BITCH!


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## BigApplePi (Dec 1, 2011)

Electra said:


> Love is a feeling, and trying to extress it is like trying to express the taste of strawberries versus raspberies in words, or explaining what the color pink feels like, imo





Sentimentality said:


> Everyone loves in their own way





Feather Yewfrost said:


> I think there are 2 kinds of people: those who love and those who don't know how to love.


Not only the above, but love is a skill. You can be lucky and get early lessons or you can practice now until you learn the skill. 

Like any kind of skill you may arrive with prejudice and judge it not worth learning. Or you can hang around others with the skill and see if you want some.


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