# being teased as a form of flirtation



## ae1905 (Jun 7, 2014)

*teasing as a form of flirtation*

do you agree teasing someone you are attracted to is a form of flirtation?

if so, why do so many people, and especially women, say they enjoy being teased?


_to tease_, after all, means to_ put someone down_, usually gently and playfully, though not necessarily...however, people don't normally enjoy being put down...so why is it not only acceptable but enjoyable to be teased as a form of flirting?


one reason, imo, is that putdowns are a way to assert dominance and when a man teases a woman he is asserting his male dominance which consciously and unconsciously reminds both parties of the dominant role men nornally take in sex...so teasing is a kind of sexual act which explains both the pleasure it gives and its effectiveness in sexual attraction

that is one reason...there may be more


----------



## BlackDog (Jan 6, 2012)

It's a call to arms. A challenge. That's what makes it fun. I like verbally sparring with people, when someone makes a teasing comment I see it as an invitation to some playful competition. Men love it when I tease them, so I doubt it's about male dominance.


----------



## Metalize (Dec 18, 2014)

Depends on the personality. Competitive, sometimes aggressive, and typically outgoing women will enjoy it. Introverted, sensitive, and straightforward types will probably not.


----------



## BroNerd (Nov 27, 2010)

BlackDog said:


> It's a call to arms. A challenge. That's what makes it fun. I like verbally sparring with people, when someone makes a teasing comment I see it as an invitation to some playful competition. Men love it when I tease them, so I doubt it's about male dominance.


Teasing is stimulating and fun. I think it's key to keep a positive attitude throughout the process to let the other person know you're teasing him or her because you like him or her.


----------



## Swordsman of Mana (Jan 7, 2011)

I'm not a fan. it's a very low class way of engaging conversation


----------



## Ace Face (Nov 13, 2011)

Playful banter is fun, my favorite actually. Call me out on my shit and poke and prod at me in a playful way--I love it, and I love doing it. To me, it says, "I know your flaws and I know exactly how you tick, and I so fucking love you for it." :3 *rawr*


----------



## BroNerd (Nov 27, 2010)

I guess I should add that there are bonus points if it's witty and original.


----------



## BlackDog (Jan 6, 2012)

BroNerd said:


> Teasing is stimulating and fun. I think it's key to keep a positive attitude throughout the process to let the other person know you're teasing him or her because you like him or her.


Well yeah, you gotta keep it light. I am usually pretty good at reading people and knowing when they're being playful or just being a dick. Sometimes people throw me off the scent off though, and I can't tell. Then I sometimes am uncomfortable with the situation, it becomes burdensome. It's only fun when both parties know it's not serious.


----------



## VacantPsalm (Dec 22, 2014)

Wow, a lot of you seem to have a much harsher concept of teasing than I do. I guess the main idea that forms my definition of teasing is from the saying "teasing something out." It's about finding something and tickling it out into the open. Often against the original intention of someone, but not necessary always something they prefer to keep hidden. First thing that comes to my mind is teasing out small crushes.


_*leans over to girlfriend*
"What do you think he smells like?"
"Excuse me?"
"That guy you've been darting your eyes towards like a young teen girl who has her feet pre-swept off the ground, just waiting for her man to embrace her. I want know more about this fantasy of yours."
"I'm not fantasizing anything."
"Your head is against his bare chest, listening to the beat of a heart who knows how to treat a woman..."
"Oh god."
"You turn your face into him and breath in with the entirety of your whole chest. What is the scent that fills your very being?"
"You're really going this far into this?"
"I don't know how to express smells very well, but there is one single word that I know is undeniable, 'a true man.' "
"I think you're the one who's falling in love with this guy."
"Hey, I think it's important for couples to have at least a basic interest in the other's blinding obsessions. I'm just trying to keep up."
"I'm not obsessed!"_

Obviously, very minor pinching / tickling / touching at proper points in the discussion is totally appropriate.


Is that really so mean? A sign of dominance? Feels like dumb fun enjoyable by people who are comfortable around each other to me. Yet again, I don't have a strong concept of bullying burned into my mind, so maybe that's why teasing has a more playful connotation for me.


Added:


Ace Face said:


> Playful banter is fun, my favorite actually. Call me out on my shit and poke and prod at me in a playful way--I love it, and I love doing it. To me, it says, "I know your flaws and I know exactly how you tick, and I so fucking love you for it." :3 *rawr*


This is the noise I can get behind.


----------



## 66393 (Oct 17, 2013)

There was a girl (ESTP) in my class last semester and we would literally verbally abuse one another. It wasn't flirtation, just the way we interacted. We were both relatively thick-skinned and weren't looking for a serious connection. So whIle teasing is one way to flirt, it is also just a way to interact with the lighthearted. And I personally love teasing people and I find it frustrating when simple teasing is misinterpreted as flirtation.


----------



## Kynx (Feb 6, 2012)

It's fun. 
It can imply that they like me, but they're not going to kiss my ass in order to get me interested.


----------



## Sygma (Dec 19, 2014)

ae1905 said:


> do you agree teasing someone you are attracted to is a form of flirtation?
> 
> if so, why do so many people, and especially women, say they enjoy being teased?
> 
> ...



Teasing is delicious and should be done 24/7. Kindred, playful spirits exchanging affection with "loving" but below the belts comment. People like to be challenged aslong they re not hurt. A little game of some sorts.

If you don't like teasing you might be depressed, hah 

Or a Fi dom.


----------



## Amine (Feb 23, 2014)

It can be disarming but it is a fine line. You've pretty much already got to have a positive conception of the person. If they aren't already in your good graces, it will backfire and create distance.


----------



## ae1905 (Jun 7, 2014)

BlackDog said:


> It's a call to arms. A challenge. That's what makes it fun. I like verbally sparring with people, when someone makes a teasing comment I see it as an invitation to some playful competition. *Men love it when I tease them, so I doubt it's about male dominance.*


I'm talking about dominance in the bedroom. Not all men prefer to be dominant, and many men enjoy taking the submissive role once in a while. Likewise, not all women prefer to be submissive, while many women enjoy playing the role of the dominant sometimes. That alternation in roles may explain the give and take in teasing you rightly point out. Another explanation may be that women use teasing to _test _the dominance of men, to see how they respond. In this case, women use teasing to _attempt _to dominate the men, not because they _want _to take that role in a relationship, but because they want to _ascertain _if the men can. So the usual power relationship between men and women is preserved, even though it might, on the face of it, appear inverted.


----------



## ae1905 (Jun 7, 2014)

Neverontime said:


> It's fun.
> It can imply that they like me, but they're not going to kiss my ass in order to get me interested.


what do they have to kiss to get you interested...your teddy bear?


----------



## ae1905 (Jun 7, 2014)

Swordsman of Mana said:


> I'm not a fan. it's a very low class way of engaging conversation


how is teasing "class" dependent?...what makes it "low class"?


----------



## ai.tran.75 (Feb 26, 2014)

My humor is base on laughing at my mishaps- i think somebody else mentioned it - it's more along the line of I accept or find your flaws amusing rather than actually put down a character 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## ae1905 (Jun 7, 2014)

Ace Face said:


> Playful banter is fun, my favorite actually. Call me out on my shit and poke and prod at me in a playful way--I love it, and I love doing it. To me, it says, *"I know your flaws and I know exactly how you tick, *and I so fucking love you for it." :3 *rawr*


this gets close to one other reason teasing is used: it acknowledges a person's vulnerabilities which creates the space for greater intimacy

teasing works this way in other types of relationships, too...women do this all the time to make themselves more likeable to others...men do it to make other men less dominant and threatening

teasing has a _democratising _effect there, in contrast, curiously, to the _stratifying _effect it has in sexual relationships


----------



## Sygma (Dec 19, 2014)

ae1905 said:


> I'm talking about dominance in the bedroom. Not all men prefer to be dominant, and many men enjoy taking the submissive role once in a while. Likewise, not all women prefer to be submissive, while many women enjoy playing the role of the dominant sometimes. That alternation in roles may explain the give and take in teasing you rightly point out. Another explanation may be that women use teasing to _test _the dominance of men, to see how they respond. In this case, women use teasing to _attempt _to dominate the men, not because they _want _to take that role in a relationship, but because they want to _ascertain _if the men can. So the usual power relationship between men and women is preserved, even though it might, on the face of it, appear inverted.


People who do things like that I pretty much run away from. People as in, women. I truly can't give two shit about "men should dominate". Now, men exist, men judge, men do things but men respect their women. Domination isn't really good, it's more about knowing where you can be hurt and trying to not reach that line.

Women who want a "real" man, a dominant one, an alpha ? it's labelled insecured all over. They're still in the sandbox, figuring out if the white knight can actually be a lumberjack. Spoiler : men can also be sensitive creatures. Some are genuinely kind, adorable, friendly and warm persons who don't really enter that whole crap about dominance.

Partnership. Balance of forces. Vulnerability. Trust the other as much as he / she can trust you and show that you're reliable. Kinks are fine. Need for dominance certainly isn't. Not with a woman to be the daddy she never had. 

More persons should watch Short Term 12 and pay attention to the bond between the two main characters. That's ultimately what a healthy relationship is, imho.


----------



## ae1905 (Jun 7, 2014)

BlackDog said:


> It's a call to arms. A challenge. That's what makes it fun. I like verbally sparring with people, when someone makes a teasing comment I see it as an invitation to some playful *competition*. Men love it when I tease them, so I doubt it's about male dominance.


I agree teasing often is a "playful competition" where you get to exercise your mind--in this respect, you are right, it _is _intellectually _stimulating _and fun...but what _is _this competition but a test of wits where there is often a "winner" and a "loser"?...and if a person consistently "wins" these competitions, why does that not establish a form of dominance?...how, for example, would you react if you were attracted to a man but "bested" him in these verbal bouts?...would you still be just as attracted to him, then?


----------



## ae1905 (Jun 7, 2014)

Sygma said:


> People who do things like that I pretty much run away from. People as in, women. I truly can't give two shit about "men should dominate". Now, men exist, men judge, men do things but men respect their women. Domination isn't really good, it's more about knowing where you can be hurt and trying to not reach that line.
> 
> Women who want a "real" man, a dominant one, an alpha ? it's labelled insecured all over. They're still in the sandbox, figuring out if the white knight can actually be a lumberjack. Spoiler : men can also be sensitive creatures. Some are genuinely kind, adorable, friendly and warm persons who don't really enter that whole crap about dominance.
> 
> ...



what if a woman _wants _a man who is dominant in the bedroom?...many do


----------



## FearAndTrembling (Jun 5, 2013)

Yeah, I flirt like that. I like to spar. It is like pinching or pulling a girl's hair when you're a little kid. I don't like ALL the girls I hate though. lol. Some I actually really dislike.


----------



## Swordsman of Mana (Jan 7, 2011)

ae1905 said:


> how is teasing "class" dependent?...what makes it "low class"?


1) first off, teasing a stranger is an innappropriate display of familiarity. classy people place more emphasis on boundaries and would consider that rude
2) teasing is an attempt to bring someone else's value down so that your own looks higher by comparison. classy people do not engage in this kind of behavior. they are confident in their value and don't feel the need to bolster it via cheap tricks


----------



## Sygma (Dec 19, 2014)

ae1905 said:


> what if a woman _wants _a man who is dominant in the bedroom?...many do


What if I want sensuality and "light" dominance, coming from both parts ? If she want the dominant _all the time_ in bed, she'll get it somewhere else is all. Once in a while is fine. Rough is fine too. But can't deal with this more than here and then, certainly not what I enjoy


----------



## Sygma (Dec 19, 2014)

Swordsman of Mana said:


> 1) first off, teasing a stranger is an innappropriate display of familiarity. classy people place more emphasis on boundaries and would consider that rude
> 2) teasing is an attempt to bring someone else's value down so that your own looks higher by comparison. classy people do not engage in this kind of behavior. they are confident in their value and don't feel the need to bolster it via cheap tricks


You re confused between teasing and sarcasm. Teasing is never done by putting someone down


----------



## drmiller100 (Dec 3, 2011)

Fascinating subject when you framed it the way you did.

I think T's do it as a way to show love, or interest. I think NT's especially do this. St's will do it a bit, but will back off when they "see" someone is not taking it the way they intended. NT's tend to go too far with it sometimes. 

We give what we want to get. 

SOM's response is interesting. He is NF I believe - and you can tell from this thread he does not like to be teased. Thinking about it, NF's with Fi don't like to tease. 

INFJ's do it and call ti "snarky." ENFJ's are REALLY gentle in their teasing. So gentle it doesn't always show up to me. Subtle stuff.


----------



## Stasis (May 6, 2014)

If I tease you, I like you. I might find you intriguing or unusual.


----------



## BlackDog (Jan 6, 2012)

ae1905 said:


> I agree teasing often is a "playful competition" where you get to exercise your mind--in this respect, you are right, it _is _intellectually _stimulating _and fun...but what _is _this competition but a test of wits where there is often a "winner" and a "loser"?...and if a person consistently "wins" these competitions, why does that not establish a form of dominance?...how, for example, would you react if you were attracted to a man but "bested" him in these verbal bouts?...would you still be just as attracted to him, then?


I frequently "best" people in verbal spars. I'm quick and stubborn. But the way somebody "wins" is they get the last word, or say something that makes the other burst out laughing. I'm not sure it's even right to act like there is a winner or a loser. It's just messing around. If anything, I'm testing a guys sense of humour as much as whether or not he's willing to challenge me. People who are too serious are such a bore.


----------



## Kynx (Feb 6, 2012)

ae1905 said:


> what do they have to kiss to get you interested...your teddy bear?


I wouldn't refer to it as a teddy bear exactly....  but, if you like. :happy:


----------



## drmiller100 (Dec 3, 2011)

BlackDog said:


> I frequently "best" people in verbal spars. I'm quick and stubborn. But the way somebody "wins" is they get the last word, or say something that makes the other burst out laughing. I'm not sure it's even right to act like there is a winner or a loser. It's just messing around. If anything,


people do this to "tune up" their Ti.


----------



## ae1905 (Jun 7, 2014)

Neverontime said:


> I wouldn't refer to it as a teddy bear exactly....  but, if you like. :happy:



not a bear, huh?...is it something you can pet?


----------



## ae1905 (Jun 7, 2014)

BlackDog said:


> I frequently "best" people in verbal spars. I'm quick and stubborn. But the way somebody "wins" is they get the last word, or say something that makes the other burst out laughing. I'm not sure it's even right to act like there is a winner or a loser. It's just messing around. If anything, I'm testing a guys *sense of humour* as much as whether or not he's willing to challenge me. People who are too serious are such a bore.


teasing is often funny and can be a form of humor, too...but humor relies a good deal on wit so an exchange of humor can be a contest of wits, or again, a competition...the "last word" is a good point, so what if you almost always had the last word when sparring with a guy you were interested in--would that turn you off in any way?


----------



## BlackDog (Jan 6, 2012)

ae1905 said:


> teasing is often funny and can be a form of humor, too...but humor relies a good deal on wit so an exchange of humor can be a contest of wits, or again, a competition...the "last word" is a good point, so what if you almost always had the last word when sparring with a guy you were interested in--would that turn you off in any way?


I don't know. Probably not. I am naturally dominant though. I do want someone to give me shit. I want them to fight me, even if I do always win.


----------



## Zosio (Mar 17, 2015)

I enjoy it because it's my SO displaying his wit. I find wit incredibly sexy, so I actually like it when he gets smart with me.


----------



## ae1905 (Jun 7, 2014)

BlackDog said:


> I don't know. Probably not. *I am naturally dominant *though. I do want someone to give me shit. I want them to fight me, even if I do always win.


"probably", so you're not sure...ok...but a guy who doesn't even play turns you off...do you see yourself as being "dominant" in any way vis a vis guys like that who bore you


----------



## BlackDog (Jan 6, 2012)

ae1905 said:


> but a guy who doesn't even play turns you off...do you see yourself as being "dominant" in any way vis a vis guys like that who bore you


I'm sorry, I don't really understand the question. I think I am always pretty dominant, yes. I don't like overly submissive guys though. Not because I want to be dominated, but just because I want someone to try. They don't have to be as dominant as me though.


----------



## Kynx (Feb 6, 2012)

ae1905 said:


> not a bear, huh?...is it something you can pet?


:laughing:

Certainly, as fast as you like.


----------



## ae1905 (Jun 7, 2014)

Neverontime said:


> :laughing:
> 
> Certainly, as fast as you like.



I see...so it's like your teddy and gets petted a lot


----------



## Kynx (Feb 6, 2012)

drmiller100 said:


> Fascinating subject when you framed it the way you did.
> 
> I think T's do it as a way to show love, or interest. I think NT's especially do this. St's will do it a bit, but will back off when they "see" someone is not taking it the way they intended. NT's tend to go too far with it sometimes.
> 
> ...


I like to tease a lot and I know a few xnfp's who do it quite often. I don't believe it's type related. I don't like to tease if it's leading someone on, but if everyone knows the score, it's my favorite type of flirting.


----------



## Kynx (Feb 6, 2012)

ae1905 said:


> I see...so it's like your teddy and often gets petted...hmmm?


Yes, it's an attention whore. :wink:


----------



## drmiller100 (Dec 3, 2011)

BlackDog said:


> I think it's called ADHD, Tigger.


or creative. or inventive. 

so the answer is "no."


----------



## Sygma (Dec 19, 2014)

VacantPsalm said:


> I think this thread has convinced me to be sure to do some teasing on all first dates. Anyone got any more reasons why not to like it? All the reasons I've read so far are solid "one of us _will_ get pissed at the other" flags.


Open mindedness. If it's just two jokes and not one every five minutes, you can see if the person is solid if she's showing back some self deprecating humor. If she / he does, you got a good one. A not broken just yet.

If he / she get all defensive / a bit arrogant, I'd suggest to move away. There are also the "defensive playful" ones who are exagerating something and will twist it into plain ridiculous, these ones are keeper too. You don't want boring, do you ?


----------



## BlackDog (Jan 6, 2012)

drmiller100 said:


> or creative. or inventive.
> 
> so the answer is "no."


I could never decide if I liked Eeyore or Tigger better. I guess that says a mouthful, eh? Existential angst or optimistic ("creative") ADHD. Decisions, decisions...


----------



## OrangeAppled (Jun 26, 2009)

I like it so long as it is not mean. I don't attack the person. The negging tactic is gross.
I think teasing banter both creates and releases sexual tension. 

I have gone too far on occasion and stuck my foot in my mouth though, by accidentally hitting a soft spot. I usually don't dish out anything I cannot take.

I've had people tease me about looking like I am in my own world because I am dreamy, and that sort of thing is fine. There is no reason teasing has to be insulting or negative.


----------



## peter pettishrooms (Apr 20, 2015)

Usually I'm the one that does the teasing. However, I find it difficult to distinguish whether or not it's flirtation when someone does it to me. Most teasing that I've received made the teaser come off as more of a brother/sister rather than a love interest. So I usually just assume that people who playfully tease me only see me as such.


----------



## VacantPsalm (Dec 22, 2014)

VacantPsalm said:


> I think this thread has convinced me to be sure to do some teasing on all first dates. Anyone got any more reasons why not to like it? All the reasons I've read so far are solid "one of us _will_ get pissed at the other" flags.


Oh, something I think is applicable here. I have a general rule I've been playing around with about all forms of meanness / bitchyness. (Bad boy threads farmed this one.)

Never directly damage someone's charisma. (Their appearance of being intelligent, competent, attractive, etc.)

Calling someone a shit head or telling them to go die in a ditch does not directly target any aspect that makes up the person's charisma. Heck, if you said it because they out played you, then it just makes them look better, IMO. (One of my favorite things to hear my friend say to me is "shut up" because he only says it whenever he has no counter to my logic.)

Calling someone an idiot or worthless in reference to something they said or did, _that_ is when I'm not comfortable with it. Slow clapping or saying "fail" when someone messes up has even annoyed me in the past. Pointing out negatives seems to be the only example I can think of at the moment, but I'm sure downplaying a neutral or positive trait could also count.


For teasing this seems kind of obvious, but for things like being cynical I think it's a little more subtle.


(Side note: I quoted myself because I was curious if it would give me a notification. It does not.)


----------



## StableSun35 (Oct 14, 2013)

I do enjoy watching others teach each other, much so hahaha. cute. 
wish I could lighten up sometimes a bit.


----------



## xisnotx (Mar 20, 2014)

I do this a lot lol...tease women. But I've learnt not every woman appreciates it. Some women have accused me of bullying them...which is not the case. Really, I'm just having some fun. But some women, they tease right back. One of my first gfs was like that...she could actually get me to shut up and laugh at her. I remember once she did the whole "stewie rant" from family guy...I was like "this girl is actually funny!". I swear she's the only girl I've ever known intimately that can actually make me break out laughing. Clever girl..I would say shrewd.


----------



## drmiller100 (Dec 3, 2011)

xisnotx said:


> I do this a lot lol...tease women. But I've learnt not every woman appreciates it. Some women have accused me of bullying them...which is not the case. Really, I'm just having some fun. But some women, they tease right back. One of my first gfs was like that...she could actually get me to shut up and laugh at her. I remember once she did the whole "stewie rant" from family guy...I was like "this girl is actually funny!". I swear she's the only girl I've ever known intimately that can actually make me break out laughing. Clever girl..I would say shrewd.



yeah, I can relate to this. sometimes my "playfulness" gets interpreted as "mean." Now I've been accused of being overly sensitive sometimes. 

No really. (smilles.......)_


----------



## aef8234 (Feb 18, 2012)

I really don't like it.

Apparently I'm cute when I'm annoyed.
Which annoys me even more.


----------



## Kore (Aug 10, 2012)

aef8234 said:


> I really don't like it.
> 
> Apparently I'm cute when I'm annoyed.
> Which annoys me even more.


That's adorable.


----------



## GoodOldDreamer (Sep 8, 2011)

Well I expected this thread to go in an entirely different direction but whatever. I'm playful and I love to tease, sure, but not in the way this thread is going for. But I guess that goes along the lines of already being in an established relationship rather than a first date or whatever. So... continue.


----------



## ae1905 (Jun 7, 2014)

five pages later and the one conclusion I can draw is that people are uncomfortable with the idea of dominance, particularly in intimate rel'ns

I acknowledged a couple of other reasons why teasing is used, namely, creating comfort and intimacy, and play...but no-one presented an argument against my own idea that teasing is a way to display dominance, and when used in flirting is a kind of sexual foreplay...this is idea behind "negging", and you know what "negging" is intended to lead to

indeed, negging is just teasing


----------



## Caveman Dreams (Nov 3, 2015)

Most women can tease back just as well if not better, in my experience than men.

So no skin off my nose, I can take just as well as i give it.


----------



## xraydav (Jan 3, 2013)

sometimes a tease can be cute and attractive, but then there's one douche who's like ISIS and takes it too far


----------



## Caveman Dreams (Nov 3, 2015)

ae1905 said:


> five pages later and the one conclusion I can draw is that people are uncomfortable with the idea of dominance, particularly in intimate rel'ns
> 
> I acknowledged a couple of other reasons why teasing is used, namely, creating comfort and intimacy, and play...but no-one presented an argument against my own idea that teasing is a way to display dominance, and when used in flirting is a kind of sexual foreplay...this is idea behind "negging", and you know what "negging" is intended to lead to
> 
> indeed, negging is just teasing


Negging is just a technical description of teasing. Yeah I totally agree.


----------



## VacantPsalm (Dec 22, 2014)

ae1905 said:


> five pages later and the one conclusion I can draw is that people are uncomfortable with the idea of dominance, particularly in intimate rel'ns
> 
> I acknowledged a couple of other reasons why teasing is used, namely, creating comfort and intimacy, and play...but no-one presented an argument against my own idea that teasing is a way to display dominance, and when used in flirting is a kind of sexual foreplay...this is idea behind "negging", and you know what "negging" is intended to lead to
> 
> indeed, negging is just teasing


How about this: Action is always a separate entity as intention. This is a universal rule that I have never seen broken, and teasing definitely doesn't break it.

You just stated that teasing meant things, but provided no reasoning as to why it is like that _universally_. People then provided their own views on teasing, which were different from what you think.

The ball is not in our court for us to disprove your idea, it is in your court to explain why your idea of teasing overrides all of ours.


----------



## Entropic (Jun 15, 2012)

I don't know about how you think or see teasing, but I don't mind it being forceful where it may look like abuse to the outsider. Being (gently) hit, kicked, yelled at etc., I don't mind. I'll tell them to fuck off too. Personally, forceful people are sexy and I love denying them their reactions when they try to get one out of me through their use of force. Then you really know who's on top.


----------



## aef8234 (Feb 18, 2012)

airotciV said:


> That's adorable.


I will slap you with a trout and call you names.
:l


----------



## Kore (Aug 10, 2012)

aef8234 said:


> I will slap you with a trout and call you names.
> :l



* *


----------



## ae1905 (Jun 7, 2014)

Coyote said:


> @_ae1905_
> There's one point that I didn't see addressed in your dominance theory (please forgive me if I missed/forgot it): The teaser may want to be sure that the other person is NOT too dominant.
> 
> As a woman, I'm afraid to be with a guy who wants to control me, who needs to be dominant and can't stand a challenge to his "authority." I got trapped in a relationship like that, and there's no chance in hell that I'm risking it again. So now I only go for genuinely nice guys. The problem is, some people seem nice until you put pressure on them. A bit of teasing can tell you a lot about them, based on their reaction. The last guy I liked seemed very sweet, so I teased him in a way that could've been interpreted as emasculating. (I did it with a mischievous smile, of course.) He had no comeback, but it clearly didn't bother him. That was the green light I needed to trust him.
> ...


I talked about this...you're teasing him to test him, not to dominate him, per se...his reaction appears to be neutral, as if he doesn't recognize or acknowledge power plays...you be the judge if that is good or bad for you

I'm glad you mention "nice guys" cuz one reason many women don't like them is cuz their "niceness" is seen as submissiveness, and they want guys who can be dominant in the bedroom...you may have a diff idea of "nice guy", one diff than the common pejorative term...maybe some nice guys are neutral?


----------



## Coyote (Jan 24, 2012)

ae1905 said:


> I talked about this...you're teasing him to test him, not to dominate him, per se...his reaction appears to be neutral, as if he doesn't recognize or acknowledge power plays...you be the judge if that is good or bad for you


It seemed like most of what you wrote was about needing to prove that one person was dominant within the relationship. That's not a mature outlook, IMO. I don't need to be dominant and it wasn't a power play. I just needed to know that he wasn't going to get pissed at me if I challenged him. (FWIW, I did accidentally piss him off another way, and he forgave me as soon as I made it up to him. That's reflective of the same personality traits that made him smile at my teasing.)



ae1905 said:


> I'm glad you mention "nice guys" cuz one reason many women don't like them is cuz their "niceness" is seen as submissiveness, and they want guys who can be dominant in the bedroom...you may have a diff idea of "nice guy", one diff than the common pejorative term...maybe some nice guys are neutral?


Some brutal honesty: Men who complain about girls not liking "nice guys" are usually not nice guys. They just think they are, which makes them all the more dangerous. It's like they're pissed about not being the alpha male, so they think they should get some nice-guy entitlement sex to make up for their inferior social status. But then they get rejected (shocker!) and blame women for not liking them. We sense that anger and run even faster. Sometimes those "nice guys" chase us. Sometimes those "nice guys" kill us. Not so nice.

Yeah, that's a sore subject. I'm so tired of assholes thinking they're nice guys, and we're just bitches who secretly want to be dominated. I'm not saying you're one of those guys, but there are too many of them out there. Hate breeds hate ... and fear.

Anyway, I don't want a man who is dominant _or_ submissive. I want a man who is my equal and treats me with genuine respect. In return, I offer my own respect and love. That is what I've always wanted, it just took time for me to get my radar right. Which is why I said that I now go for _genuinely _nice guys -- because I've learned the difference. Sounds like you should, too.

But since you seem pretty interested in the issue of bedroom dominance, I will say that I don't expect the super-sweet guys to manhandle me in bed. That's okay. The idea of being dominated is far more appealing than the actual experience. (Plenty of women have rape fantasies; that doesn't mean they want to be raped in real life.) If a guy would rather make love to me than f^ck me, I think I'll manage. Somehow.


----------



## Metalize (Dec 18, 2014)

I really don't like these kinds of mind games; I'll probably win but it'd be a hollow victory either way. 

If I like and respect someone, I won't try to mess with their heads; it would be purely straightforward with them. It seems that everyone's hung up on trying to define this highly arbitrary, subjective type of interaction when it would be so much easier to just not do it. What's wrong with direct, no-bullshit communication? If someone's fucking with your head and knowingly making you uncomfortable, you want to be in that type of interaction? I could see a manipulative/wannabe dominant type "testing" others this way.


----------



## Sporadic Aura (Sep 13, 2009)

I enjoy banter, but not excessively putting others down with it. The aim would be to just make each other laugh and make the interaction more entertaining. Its a form of flirtation for sure, though I enjoy actually getting to know the person more than the initial banter.


----------



## ae1905 (Jun 7, 2014)

Coyote said:


> It seemed like most of what you wrote was about needing to prove that one person was dominant within the relationship. That's not a mature outlook, IMO. I don't need to be dominant and it wasn't a power play. I just needed to know that he wasn't going to get pissed at me if I challenged him. (FWIW, I did accidentally piss him off another way, and he forgave me as soon as I made it up to him. That's reflective of the same personality traits that made him smile at my teasing.)
> 
> 
> 
> ...



you are making the same mistake many others here have made in thinking dominance carries over to other areas of life...I'm talking about dominance in the bedroom...a guy who teases you may treat you as an equal everywhere except in bed where he wants to dominate you--ie, control you....controlling you is not inconsistent with making love to you if you take the passive role in love making

teasing is a form of verbal foreplay...it's part of sex

a guy can dominate you in your sex life and be an equal everywhere else


----------



## ae1905 (Jun 7, 2014)

Metasentient said:


> I really don't like these kinds of mind games; I'll probably win but it'd be a hollow victory either way.
> 
> If I like and respect someone, I won't try to mess with their heads; it would be purely straightforward with them. It seems that everyone's hung up on trying to define this highly arbitrary, subjective type of interaction when it would be so much easier to just not do it. What's wrong with direct, no-bullshit communication? If someone's fucking with your head and knowingly making you uncomfortable, you want to be in that type of interaction? I could see a manipulative/wannabe dominant type "testing" others this way.



many women _*love *_being tease this way

you now know what they also love in bed


----------



## ai.tran.75 (Feb 26, 2014)

Coyote said:


> l
> 
> Some brutal honesty: Men who complain about girls not liking "nice guys" are usually not nice guys. They just think they are, which makes them all the more dangerous. It's like they're pissed about not being the alpha male, so they think they should get some nice-guy entitlement sex to make up for their inferior social status. But then they get rejected (shocker!) and blame women for not liking them. We sense that anger and run even faster. Sometimes those "nice guys" chase us. Sometimes those "nice guys" kill us. Not so nice.
> 
> .


This is so true...Nice and stalker don't really belong in the same category haha 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## strawberryLola (Sep 19, 2010)

Swordsman of Mana said:


> I'm not a fan. it's a very low class way of engaging conversation


Yeah, every time a guy tries to get cocky with me by teasing me or trying to put me down (PUA B.S.), I instantly want to snub my nose back and tell him to go fuck himself or shove it up his asshole.

I hate arrogance and cockyness, and to think PUA is doing some okay guys some decency, and for them to even at the slightest think women swoon over that garbage? Nah-uh.


----------



## Dezir (Nov 25, 2013)

ae1905 said:


> *teasing as a form of flirtation*
> 
> do you agree teasing someone you are attracted to is a form of flirtation?
> 
> ...


I know this topic is very old, but I love your premise. Is teasing a form of dominance?

And the reason teasing is "sexy" is because it asserts dominance of a man over a woman which consciously and unconsciously reminds both parties of the dominant role men nornally take?

I see it only as playfully having a good time...

A lot of teasing is just sarcasm, sarcastically exposing or highlighting the perceived bad in them.
Sarcasm is when you tell the truth but also may not, we don't know, you are just joking.
You got to be willing to be "attacking" a bit.
You got to be willing to break some boundaries.
Sometimes it can be good to break a boundary.

And if she says "goodbye" or "leave me alone" but laughs, keep doing it, you push some boundaries and show defiance but it's actually in good spirit because she laughs. Most of communication is non-verbal.
Most of communication is non-verbal, for how they act is more important than what they outright say, so be aware of social clues.

You tease them about something bad about them.
And saying it indirectly in a way that is funny, that small flaws.
The small flaws you exploit.

Sarcasm is also about breaking expectations, leading people in one direction then doing the complete opposite.
There is a bit of wickedness in teasing too but not really as it's not serious.
The point is not to hurt their feelings, the point is to amuse them and be amused yourself.

Show your personality.
Tease people, because it's funny, but don't overdo it, because it gets stressing.
You can be a bit slick and under the table.
Other things such as knowing how to dance and not being overweight helps, since we actually find people that are more attractive as more funny, we are usually more eager to give them the benefit of the doubt.

In the end, teasing is all fun, chill and high vibes. It's about the attitude. It's about having fun when talking to each other.

The teasing from the conversation can make you a cool guy.
*Finding something bad about them and then exploiting it in a funny way*. That is essentially teasing I guess.

But you got to be willing to go overboard and actually push some boundaries.
*In a way, you could treat them "like a child", like an inexperienced child that you make fun of*.
Or like that guy from that online game when you're being toxic, but this is why you don't overdo it, it's a soft toxicity, a bit of it can be fun, with them feeling "attacked" and challenged. Too much of it can be actual toxicity.

*While sarcasm is essentially saying the opposite of what you mean*, with the sarcastic tone clearly different from your normal tone that gives it away, and the current situation that makes it clear & obvious that's not the right answer.
You can exaggerate something to ridiculousness for sarcasm.
That's pretty much all when it comes to sarcasm & teasing.

It also helps if you increase your overall attractiveness: looks, personality, etc.

How to become a better teaser?
In short, I would say: Don't upset/offend people by making fun of something they are insecure about.

Now, if people get offened or upset once in a while for you made fun of something they are insecure about, it's not really a big thing. They will get over it and forget it. Apologise and say you won't do it again. It's not the end of the world. Don't get all defensive and low about it, yes, you made a bad joke and you are sorry and you will make up for it.

*Keep your attitude, do apologise but don't get all humble and defensive*.
You admit your mistake and consider it but still raise up above it. You don't get on your knees and be or consider this the end of your relationship.

I guess teasing can show dominance in some various ways like:

You dominate the conversation
Make her want you
Play qualify and disqualify games.

Qualify is when you change your behavior to try to impress someone else. In social interactions, the person who is qualifying itself to the other person is the person of lower social status. That's how it's seen. If someone is always trying to accomodate you, to appease you, to build report, then it just seems in the interaction that she's of lower social status you're of higher social status.

For example, you say: A says - _"you know, I'm really into sports" _ and B replies - _"well, I used to play volleyball"_. B is qualifying. And if you do it once or twice it happens, but if you do it all the time it becomes pretty apparent that you are trying to qualify to her, to become all that she wants, to appease her.

You can make an assertion and see if she falls by it _"I find that adventurous people are the most fun"_, and if she agrees great if she doesn't agree fine because it's not like you said _"please qualify to me"_.

If she's like _"I really disagree"_ and gives a very logical answer, you know she's not trying to qualify herself to you. So joke around, tease her a little bit more, have some good conversations good vibe and try again later.

Qualifying is that narrative when you create the sense of she won you over, there's something special that's going to make it make more sense for you to hang out or get a number, etc. Disqualifying is going to make her try even harder and invest even more. So you want to do a little bit of both.

If every single time she tries to qualify you you just disqualify her (disagree), she'll give up and stop trying to qualify.
If every single time she tries to qualify you you always qualify her (agree with her), she's like _"this guy is too easy"_, _"there's no value in it"_.
So what you want is a mix of both. Occasionally qualify, occasionally disqualify.

*And the best way to do it is just be honest*. The things she says that really impress you, be impressed by it. The things she says that are kind of lame, don't be afraid to tell her are kind of lame.

*You can be soft-spoken and still disagree. *People like honest opinions because they like to know how things really are, and *having someone who can give a honest opinion can be quite attractive*. Being willing to say that that thing isn't that great, or that that thing doesn't look so good, or that you don't like that kind of music, or that you have another preference, etc.

Ok, I got a bit off-topic, so teasing can show dominance in some various ways like:

Romance but also being strong and competent.
People can impress with their sensitivity by becoming good at playing an instrument or simply expressing empathy and even moments of sincerity.
*- Girls with sensitivity like polite and respectful men with sensitivity and a gentle soul*. Someone who can open their heart and can show depths of feeling. Someone loving who is like a gentleman.

*Showing sensitivity is attractive*, like learning an instrument, looking at art, listening to opera, music about the soul like rap. Girls with sensitivity like men who show that they look beyond looks and appreciate the person they are.
Try to approach people emotionally, having moments of realness, of being honest, of speaking from the heart, of seeking closure and telling how you feel.
Treat people right and be gentle with them. You don't have to insist on her. You just have to be great around her. Make yourself likeable by making the other person feel pleasant around you, make her feel entertained. You can eventually talk about deep stuff, transition from small talk to big talk. Have an honest discussion, share, open your hearts to various things that bothers you or him or talk about various issues in the world or with other people, that is equally interesting, to be emotionally connected with the other person.
Be open to talk about feelings, it doesn't have to be a 2-way discussion. It's a mix of being fun and caring moments, which is natural for humans, not only in dating but with anyone.
You got to be emotionally available and look at people.
If you do have a problem, go for real talk, and I mean real talk, not just talk. To talk to her and tell her how you feel. Just be natural, let it flow. Give it on emotions. Have a discussion from the heart. If she cares about you, she will have that discussion too. To have a serious discussion from the heart. Real communication brings people closer. It also allows you to be yourself, to be you that you can be and not be hidden or wear a mask because then you are not enjoying yourself. Or at least not hidden about your feelings.
*Having one of those deep discussions when you talk from the heart also helps*.

And of course, be yourself.

I think it's important to be yourself, in the sense of to be the you that you can be and not be hidden or wear a mask because then you are not enjoying yourself. To say what you feel. Because if you aren't yourself and you wear a mask and are hidden then you can't really enjoy yourself while doing so and you cannot form a genuine emotional connection while not being genuine. That doesn't mean to tell her everything about your life, even the most embarassing things, but to have a healthy dose of being open about your feelings there.

That also doesn't mean not to take care of your looks or your life or your finances because "I'm being myself and if she likes me then she likes me the way I am", that's terrible advice, because everybody must have something to offer to be in a relationship, that's the bottom line question, what do you have to offer? whether it's warmth, intelligence, making them laugh or something else. There's a reason a woman with good education and wealth and looks won't be with a man of poor education who is ugly and works as a janitor. I'm not saying it's impossible, I'm saying it's not usually the case.

And the reason for this is standards. They have something to offer, otherwise you wouldn't be attracted to them. If you want to get what they have to offer, you have to have something to offer yourself that they want. To make them feel good, through warmth and fun, and yes to provide some financial support, I'm not saying be a sugar daddy but don't be an ugly janitor with no money either. A woman with standards want a man that she can have a future with, a man that can offer her a future. But, being yourself in the sense of not wearing a mask or being hidden, is not the same thing as neglecting yourself and thinking you musn't have something to offer to make being with you a good deal for the other person as well, being yourself means to have a healthy dose of being open about your feelings, to tell what you feel.

Being yourself doesn't mean being a jerk to other people either. You can learn an advice and take it to heart and then it becomes part of yourself, being yourself is more about being your emotional self than acting on every whim or instinct or impulse. You can be yourself and be able to take people with benevolence, to be understanding, like "I don't even need a reason" if she has done something or asks for something and feels the need to justify herself to you.

It can make people feel free to be more of themselves around you, more open, more authentic, when they see that certain behavior are not only accepted but celebrated. It allows people to be real, to be themselves, not wear a mask, not be hidden and talk from the heart, when they feel they don't have to fit a certain line to be accepted or celebrated, when you take people with benevolence and are understanding, the "I don't even need a reason" type where she doesn't feel the need to justify herself to you for doing something or asking for something.


And say what they are probably thinking, not what you believe they want to hear (aka praise), but what they are probably thinking.
Be a bit under the table.

*- Just be amused.*

What you have to offer is less of a question. More of a question is: how attractive you are?
It's all about attraction. Making people drawn to you.

- Find out what she is into that you could also be into, people like to talk about subjects that fascinate them.
*- Find what that person is interested in, talk about that thing.*

How to become better at communication? *People like to talk about themselves. People like to talk about what they are doing, where they have been and so on*.

I still don't know how to 'touch' people but talking about themselves or talking about something they are interested in is a good place to start.

When it comes to conversation, as long as you have a good smiley attitude you should be good, even if you hit on them on the street.
(A) Apart from talking about themselves and talking about something they are interested in, you can:
(B) Look at the enviroment and talk about something within the enviroment.
(C) Talk about these subjects: weather, arts, entertainment, sports, family, food, work, school, travel, celebrity gossip, hobbies, hometown, movies, music. Kind of shallow but this is how everything starts.

With a benevolent, kind, non-aggresive attitude.
I feel the need to mention this because you shouldn't be too much in their soul if you notice a drawback from them, allow people their space.
Combine that with teasing and occasional jokes and it's going to be amazing.

*So you haven't interacted with the person, you start with 3 choices: be direct, use the pretext of a commonality or use the pretext of asking for help*. In the 1st case, it depends a lot on the location, in a library you probably have to talk about books while in a club you can talk about how hot your are or that I have noticed you. In the 2nd case you tell her that you saw her there and talk about that thing you have in common. In the 3rd case, you find a pretext to talk to her such as asking for help, and *next time just ask her how is she doing*.

*So you go to basic talk*: weather, arts, entertainment, sports, family, food, work, school, travel, celebrity gossip, hobbies, hometown. It's also okay to have moments of silence and feel comfortable in the silence, even make fun of silence. Additionally, find similar interests, have you tried anything she's interested in? communication is key in any relationship. Things aren't complicated, we overcomplicate them out of fear or desire to make everything perfect. The most important thing in a relationship is communcation, when you have a problem to say it, not to keep it buckled up in yourself.

*Then when you are more familiar with each other and in touch for a bit, you can shift to big talk, to talk about the deeper concepts of life*: money, poverty, justice, fairness, happiness, motivation, desire, knowledge, communication. And as you get to know her and she gets to know you on these issues, you'll both get a better idea of who the other person is. By, you know, just talking about life in general.

*And then you can talk about personal issues, if you have already talked about the deeper concepts of life in general she already knows you enough to trust whatever is she dealing with*, so you can talk about: struggles, failures, fears, doubts, insecurities, regrets, worries. And when you are on the receiving end of these issues, respond with warmth and reassurance. There is a mutual feeling of trust in those scenarios. That is how you emotionally connect with people, understand their struggles and seek to comfort them. And being on their side, not necessarliy always giving advice, but just listening.

*Making jokes is an absolutely essential part in having fun with each other. You can have fun in other ways like doing fun activities, but making jokes is probably the simplest and is universally valid*. The magic of the humor is in it's absurdity, things are funny because they are ridiculous, either ridiculously simple or ridiculously wrong, they make no sense, or when you see something that is already ridiculous and exaggerate it even further is also funny, sarcasm works the same way, you say something that it's so ridiculous it can't be true, because you mean the opposite.

And when you are asked something: Don't answer a question directly. *Either give more details or delay the answer with another conversation topic*. Your job is to convey your personality, that's what you're trying to do.

When you talk to her, you try to keep her interested by talking about herself or something she is interested in.*Find what that person is interested in, talk about that thing*. OR look at the enviroment and talk about something within the enviroment. OR basic shallow stuff like: weather, arts, entertainment, sports, family, food, work, school, travel, celebrity gossip, hobbies, hometown, movies, music. *But you also try to convey your personality, to show who you are, to create some familiarity*.

Now, *the assumption is that your personality is an attractive one, and you have to market it as such*. If you think your personality is unattractive and act like it's unattractive, even say that your personality is unattractive, well, she can only agree with you, so why are we even here? *so you have to think that your personality is an attractive one and market it as such*. She might disagree, but if you market it as unattractive and she agrees it's the same thing. At least here you have a chance that you market your personality as attractive and she agrees. It's a lot more likely than the other way around, you thinking of yourself as unattractive and she disagreeing.

But you have to convey your personality because *if she doesn't know who you are, she can't get attracted to you, because there's no you to get attracted to. Makes sense?* If you're just a string of questions, random questions, what is she interacting with? an interview machine?

If you ask questions, ask questions in a way that converys your personality: *if she works in a hotel industry, you could ask "why would you go into an industry where people yell at you and are upset with you all the time?"*. And also frame it positively, *"you seem like a pretty competent capable person, why the hotel industry of all the things you could have done?"*.

*When you're talking about different topics there's levels to it. Talking about random things is very not intimate, that's the least intimate*. Talking about yourself is fairly not initmate because it's not a big deal for her, there's no debate in it, telling stories about yourself. Talking about her tends to be a little more intimate. What you'd really like to be talking about is you and her together, and that's the most intimate. *It's: random, I, you, we*.

*So what you want to do is shift the topics to more intimate ones, and an easy way to do that is by teasing*. Because *teasers are fun and light-hearted and you're just kidding*, so it's a safe way of introducting those more intimate topics.

How of creating attraction is through normal conversation, how can you get better at this an connecting with people in general? *In conversation, probably the most common mistake guys make when talking to girls is that they stop being themselves, stop being enjoying the converation*, paying attention and actually being in the conversation they're in, and they start thinking too much outside the conversation.

Probably the most important thing you can do in a conversation is stop trying to think of what to say in the future, stop trying to think of where to take this, etc. *And mostly, just be present in the conversation. Mostly, pay attention to the girl, and really key off off what they're doing*.

*Trust and believe that who you are has value to offer to the conversation. If you fundamentally don't believe that, if you fundamentally think that you're taking value from the conversation, it's going to come off that that's the case*, the other person is going to catch that vibe, and also, you're going to be constantly censoring and monitoring yourself and you're going to find yourself locked up and not having a lot to say.

So the first thing you can do in a conversation is understand that *it's actually an interplay, it's an exchange of ideas and exchange of thoughts between you and another person or other people*, and so you need to be paying attention to them.

*If you're self-centered in the conversation, you're going to be missing things, you're not going to come off as charismatic*, you're not going to be very relateable.

The natural instinct you should avoid, getting to self-centered in your own conversation, most people are self-centered in their conversation, most people are caught up in: their own insecurities, their own thoughts, their own little world and are barely paying attention to anybody else.

*If you're the person that is actually paying attention to them, and understanding them, and showing that, showing that you care*. They're going to relate a lot more to you than they would to someone who seems oblivious to them. Because they are the most relevant thing going on.

*Find out who this person is, value this person, become truly interested in this person*. Explore her personality to discover who she is. When you're talking to a girl, find a couple distinctive things about her that are reasons why you like her.

Because that's going to show: *you paid attention, you valued her and is also going to make her feel like she earned your attention in some way*. You make her feel that she has earned your attention because of who she is, what she values, what she is intersted about. You wouldn't just give it to any girl just because she's hot.

And as I said previously, *have deep discussions*. About life: money, how we need money, etc. You can even start a random topic, just like that. Religion, talking about religion. About people, their goal, their purpose, their happiness, what makes someone happy. Most of these discussions involve a bit of sadness and introspection. And also talking with the other person, having a conversation, not just spewing your ideas.

*It's about connecting with people, getting to know them on a deeper level*. You have to like/love someone before you want to connect. But you can also show you're someone worth connecting with. What about love? what is love? what about love for a stranger, or a begger, or a fellow human? You can even start them by making a statement "you know, I think human beings.." or directly ask a question "what do you think about religion?".

What would you do if you only had 3 days to live or a month? Most of these involve a "doomsday" approach, since generally they revolve around what is wrong with the world, but it's also fascinating to have a meaningful discussion like that if you find someone who is into it. And yes, even the cliche "what do you think the meaning of life is?". *You will get to know what they think like, how they see life on a deeper level, and they will see the same for you*.

Now, you also need a good icebreaker.

*Icebreaker:* what have you been doing? or a common subjects you both talk about.





As this guy says, it's about warm up.

As I said above - You don't have to insist on her. You just have to be great around her. Make yourself likeable by making the other person feel pleasant around you, make her feel entertained.
You make her want you by drawing her to you.

*Ok, back to teasing & dominance*.

At the end of the day it's all making fun, calling names, and it’s non-serious in the conversation.
You are playing with them, teasing them, lightly.

I would say “provoking them”. Downplaying them that they are not so good at something, to get a laugh. And to “attack” them a bit because its funny. And it can also be attractive. Couples tease each other all the time.

It’s like a fight, but it’s not so much about establishing superiority (dominate the conversation; but with moral fiber) as it’s about playing a game. Making fun of them, mockery.

*In a world where women are so much used with being treated from above, that teasing can come across as being equals or even being treated from below*. Treating them like other people, you know, the making fun of them, the mockery.

It also shows you’re someone with standards.

Poking holes in their logic can be another form of teasing.
And a very satifying one. And a very easy to use.

*As well as exaggerating their mistakes, making them worse than they actually are*.
Or finding similar comparisons.
Or saying that they always do those mistakes.
Sarcastically saying it, smuggish sort of way.
It can also be kind of cute.
Making funs.

That doesn’t mean you have to be a joker all the time, quite the opposite.

*You can be polite, but also familiar, decent and inviting. Seek to get a closer bond*.

Be likeable.

Qualify and disqualify with compliments.

*If you only compliment some of the time, and are willing to be honest about how a certain thing looks like, when you're complimenting it's actually valued more because you're being honest*. Your compliment is not taken with a grain of salt because you were not complimenting so many times.

If you compliment her, compliment something distinct about her, something specfic about her rather than a generic compliment, that will take notice and will be appreciated.

*The guy who stands up for himself, the guy who is honest about what he likes and dislikes, even what he likes and dislikes about her dress, or how her hair is like right now, even willing to state a controversial political opinion and genuinely does what he thinks is right but has good intentions for her.* So nice behavior are not inherently bad, but if all you have is nice behaviors, you're boring, you look pathetic, and ironically: you're going to be perceived as less nice and less trusted than someone who is occasionally nice.

You will be perceived as having an agenda if you are too nice. So get away from that, be your honest self. Put it out there. If you honestly disagree with the girl, say it. If you honestly want to tease the girl, take that risk. *Occasionally, yes you will offend the girl with your teasing, more often than not though: she'll respect you for it, she'll appreciate it and she'll get much more attracted to you as a result.* Honesty is appreciated because it's rare, we like people who tell us things like it is because we can trust it, you don't have to tell it in a jerkish way, but you can disagree respectfully.

*You need to be a nice guy with a hint to bad guy*, or a bad guy with a hint of nice guy. You need to have a combination of both. To be able to be on both sides. Both the sensitive and the warrior. Both the diplomant and the stand up for himselfer. The nice because he perfers and the can get away without being nice, the can be not nice if required, and sometimes is not nice. *The risk taker and the protector*, the guy who will stand up for himself, because then you will also stand up for her. The nurturing who is contlict avoidant but is okay with a conflict if there is no other choice. Comfortable with conflict. Like that Sting song "Confront your enemies, avoid them when you can, a genlteman will walk but never run". *Someone who can show depths of feelings but also someone who can be a bit mean at times* and is not afraid of negative social feedback.

There is a saying: if you want to be interesting, be interested.
*You can be interesting by bering interested in them*.
Because people love it when they feel validated and listened to.
The most imporntant subject for discussion for them is themselves after all.

*The TL;DR version is this one:*

It's like a fight, but it's not so much about establishing superiority as it is about playing a game. Making fun of them, mockery.

In a world where women are so much used with being treated from above, that teasing can come across as being equals or even being treated from below. Treating them like other people. You know, the making fun of them, mockery.

It also sort of shows you're someone with standards.

Poking holes in their logic can be another form of teasing. And a very satifying one. And a very easy to use.

As well as exaggerating their mistakes. Making them worse than they actually are. Or finding similar comparisons. Or saying that they always do those mistakes. Sarcastically saying it, smuggish sort of way. It can also be kind of cute.


----------



## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

Wow I never knew Ae bantered so much. I enjoyed his presence though.

I don't know if I really enjoy teasing--I think it is pretty specific--what might be teasing to one person is more serious to another. So in some way, just the type of teasing might be cultural too.

But I think when someone teases me it gives me permission to be rougher with them, and normally I have a real fear of hurting people, so I can censor myself a lot just to try to avoid it. So teasing sometimes communicates that it's okay to not censor because the other person won't be hurt.

I really think humor and teasing are more individual than "what women like" though--like there are ways others tease each other that I cannot relate to or wouldn't be comfortable with, and there are ways I might that others would not be comfortable with. It's so much more nuanced and might also be part of getting to know someone and whether your understanding, values, and beliefs match (and perhaps what your insecurities are too, and how they will be treated).


----------



## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

There's a line in the sand as to how far you can go to insult someone you're interested in. The safest way is to get to know someone before insulting them so you can get to know their sensitivities. Also, you'd best be prepared for return fire.

One issue. If someone insults me to assert dominance, they can go fuck themselves.


----------



## Sily (Oct 24, 2008)

I don't enjoy teasing or being teased. Not my thing at all.


----------



## DelgadoEl (Nov 17, 2021)

I love this kind of flirt. It makes me want a person even more. You can easily go overboard, so it's great as long as it's natural and not too much


----------



## Eu_citzen (Jan 18, 2018)

Dezir said:


> I know this topic is very old, but I love your premise. Is teasing a form of dominance?
> 
> And the reason teasing is "sexy" is because it asserts dominance of a man over a woman which consciously and unconsciously reminds both parties of the dominant role men nornally take?
> 
> ...


I think you missed a few crucial points here. At least for me: 

Teasing is indeed a playful thing.
However it is usually done to highlight quirks and show acceptance in those.
I guess you could say it's a form of display of affection of other people's quirks. 

Rather than "sarcasm", if you do it in a sarcastic or snarky/smuggish way, chances are you're being an a**hole, rather than playfully teasing. Especially if you push boundaries.


----------



## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

Eu_citzen said:


> I think you missed a few crucial points here. At least for me:
> 
> Teasing is indeed a playful thing.
> However it is usually done to highlight quirks and show acceptance in those.
> ...


In PUA terms, the latter is the called the asshole game, taking hot women down to beneath their level. This should trigger a red flag blizzard for women since boundary pushers don't respect them.


----------



## Dezir (Nov 25, 2013)

Eu_citzen said:


> I think you missed a few crucial points here. At least for me:
> 
> Teasing is indeed a playful thing.
> However it is usually done to highlight quirks and show acceptance in those.
> ...


To me, teasing is arrogances _"I'm better than you"_. Thug life. Not real hurtful ones, jokingly ones.

Of course, may not work with everyone, but when they work, they are great.

A lot of teasing is just sarcasm, saying things you don't really mean for the humor effect, making fun of them, or of someone else, but in light ways, like (that do end up being hurtful, but not offensive, if you understand where the balance is; I guess being honest but being honest as a joke; just give up on your funny spirit and let if flow):

1. Talking about someone you don't like and giving someone else as comparison:

It would look like him if he wouldn't have a beard, too bad he's worse.
So there's a chance they are relatives.
Unfortunately, mabye if he was born later I would have been lucky and got away.
Or earlier, maybe he would have retired before meeting you.
That's what I meant.
Or maybe with 40 years ealier.
He would have been bullied a lot.
He's the kind of guy with "sir, these guys want to cross on the red"
He would probably beat us given how tall he is.
I think he was like that, this is why he hates a lot of people.
Truly, I can't think of something else.
Or more to get revenge on people.

2. Or someone has a bad tatoo "if you can understand what he writes there I'll admit I have no idea about tattoos".

3. Or misrepresenting what they said:

Officially, it's my last day here.
You can even leave now if you want.
Where, here or at my job?
Wherever you want.

4. Or just doing random stuff and seeing where it's going. Playing a frame game, taking their words and turining them into the worst case possible. Making them look bad or yourself look better.

Are you okay?
Yes, why you ask?
Just making sure.
You broke my chain of pictures 
Oh, am I a joke to you?
That's exactly what I wanted to say.
That's very offensive.
For me or for you?
I think you wanted to say something else.
What did I want to say?
Ok, you're starting to become naughty.
Oh, really, you don't say.
More like, come pick me up, I'm scared.
More like, they ask you how you are and you just have to say you're fine.
Really, you right now.
But what have I done?
When I didn't get your pictures and broke the chain.
How can you not understand such a thing, they are art. I see you're not a woman of culture.
Good joke, stop doing it. I'm crying.
Stop crying, stop crying, you have suffered enough, that's enough, be strong.
Come on, stop being such a jerk.
Does sleeping before the movie ends seem familiar to you?
I call BS.
You want to go to the casino and make tons of money?
If you get the jackpot you're cool.
Look who knows.
Who me? I don't know anything about these.
How much did you made the most?
Who, me? about 200, I'm kidding.
Yeah, sure, you're kidding.
I got the salary today.
So that's where you salary goes.
What? Not true, I kept half of it.
Yeah, for dog races.
I think I'll lose my job.
What I hate in my life the most, work.
Respect.
Don't worry, you have other options, the low jobs are always there for you, or stealing.
Stealing doesn't sound so bad anymore.
There are options.
I'll put a good word for you.
We'll start our criminal career based on good words.
It would really be sad to end up this way.
You as the worker and me as the manager, we're making a company out of this.
I'll split the salary.
Can you give me some cash?
Double?
Meaning?
Double for me.
We're doing half-half, you pay me half for real and half off the record.
What are you doing here?
You're going to be the loser, there has to be a loser.
No. You're the loser.
Come on, I'll give you tickets. Have you ever seen a loser as manager?
Who says we're going off the record, we're going on the record.
Recoding stealings?
You know what, before that we should make some tools.
I don't know, talk to the guys on the field, I'm the manager.
If I get the money I can be whoever needs to be.
Exactly, because Dorel is the one producing.
Oh, excuse me.
You're forgiven (not taking the sarcasm seriously and responding to it for what it is)
Really?
That's exactly what you'll say when I get my first salary.
Money first.
Is the minnimum wage okay?
No, I'll look like that when you stand and do nothing. I'll think about it.
Plus some tickets.
How cool you are this one who is the manager (again, not falling into the sarcasm but taking it for what it is, that way you disarm the sarcasm)
Thank you. I'm the king.
You don't learn resourcefullness, you are born with it.

Of course, most of the conversations are around common interests you both like, but it's also fun to have non-sense talks like these.

I'm not saying be a jerk. Have decency. Have dignity. Remember to have dignity. Be a guardian angel. The sister you never had (sort of, in the sense of be romantically invested but also treat her like a sister, as there plenty of couples who treat each other like crap). Be her friend and she will begin to trust you.

You can even be romantic about it. It was at a hotel, going back with my family, picked up some sandwiches, when I met this girl I knew on the halways, asked her if she would like to come with me, as I previously asked her online whether she knows any good places to visit, on the road told her thanks for telling me where I could find those, took a little detour in park, then when to a town center, searched there a bit, found a workout place, she wanted in, I dragged her a little back gently "no, no, no, this is not for [her home town] girls", "but this is for [my home town] girls?", "yes, yes, yes, do you want to come to the [another location]?", "ok my cuite" and smiled", then went on to kiss her, as I realsied she liked me.

You can do this in many way. For example if you're with her watching a movie, and she gives hints that she doesn't like it, then ask her "why are you watching it if you don't like it?", "because you are watching it", "what?", "I watch it because you are watching it", then when on and kiss her, as you realise she likes you.

There's plenty of other ways to tease. You can make scare jokes, especially if you're in a forest or somehwere like that. You can try to take a picture of her when she is in a funny moment, if she doesn't start filming and be like: "ok, ok", "but you can stop filiming me, it's okay", "but you didn't stay for the photo", so you pushed some boundaries. The non-verbal language is very important here, does she laugh and smiles when she says "but you can stop filiming me, it's okay" or not?

Or you can be sarcastic if she's very cold of stuff like that" "we are here at the mountainside is Alaska, there is now show yet but it's very cold, as you can see (pointing out to her being cold)", "keep freezing [her name]", "look, we are still coming to equip ourselves for this, this weather very cold, "goodbye", _keeps filming_ [defiance], "goodbye!", "what?", "goodbye! [insistnace]", "goodbye what? [more defiance]", "go ahead, start it", "well, go ahead". So you would mix doing things for them with not doing things for them and challenging for games like rock, paper, scissors], "ok, fine".

Or looking at them when they are doing something they're not very good at, waiting for them to make a mistake to laugh at them.

Or a smug indirect brag of yourself, arrogances, again. Sarcasm with arrogance. Praising yourself. I'm the best [whatever you are] you can have. Congratulations for the best [whatever you are] you can have. An indirect personal praise.

Or "that's what it means to be a boss" when you do something well.

Now, have all these jokes, all these arrogances, but also be very warm as a person.

Have a light feeling of superiority, a willingness to make fun of them and contradict them, to be honest whether something was amazing or lame, and the desire to be caring, to be attentive. Like: even if I have this great sense of independence, I'm still very attentive towards you. That you are not above making fun of them.

Teasing, in my opinion, it's like a fight. But it's not so much about establishing superiority (dominate the conversation; but with moral fiber) as it is about playing a game. Making fun of them, mockery.

In a world where women are so used with being treated from above, that teasing can come across as being equals or even being treated from below, treating them like other people, you know, the making fun of them, the mockery.

It also shows you're someone with standards.

Poking holes in their logic cand be another form of teasing.
And a very satisfying one. And a very easy to use.

As well as exaggerating their mistakes. Making them worse than the actually are. Or finding similar comparisons. Or saying that they always do those mistakes. Sarcastically saying it, smuggish sort of way.
It can also be kind of cute.
Making fun, the making funs of.

There needs to be a certain spirit for it, a sort of non-serious and fun atmosphere, and sometimes you have to set the tune for it.


----------



## Scoobyscoob (Sep 4, 2016)

Wow an ae1905 thread. One of the forum greats who unfortunately was banned. Also, teasing a woman as a form of flirting is something I might have done when I was a teen which I wouldn't do now as an adult. Honesty and being straightforward tends to work better anyway. 🙂


----------



## Eu_citzen (Jan 18, 2018)

Dezir said:


> To me, teasing is arrogances _"I'm better than you"_. Thug life. Not real hurtful ones, jokingly ones.
> 
> Of course, may not work with everyone, but when they work, they are great.
> 
> ...


What's the TL;DR version of what you just said?


----------



## Dezir (Nov 25, 2013)

Eu_citzen said:


> What's the TL;DR version of what you just said?


This one:


> To me, teasing is arrogances _"I'm better than you"_. Thug life. Not real hurtful ones, jokingly ones.
> 
> Of course, may not work with everyone, but when they work, they are great.
> 
> A lot of teasing is just sarcasm, saying things you don't really mean for the humor effect, making fun of them, or of someone else, but in light ways (that do end up being hurtful, but not offensive, if you understand where the balance is; I guess being honest but being honest as a joke; just give up on your funny spirit and let if flow).


Not everyone is a fan of that, but beside experience around that person there's a discussion you can have to figure it out:
Conversation tips: what is she into.

The rest is just adding on top of it.

Sarcasm, lying for the comic effect, exaggerations and so on.

TL;DR of the TL;DR:
Joke - sarcasm. (How it would be like?)


----------



## daleks_exterminate (Jul 22, 2013)

Yes.

I do this.

It's mostly not been appreciated, but (usually historically with other entps) it really hits. I've had someone get a crush on me because I could dish it back out when he teased me (entp).

My Intp puts up with me doing it to him, but he mostly draws out more dad jokes than I knew I was capable of idk


----------

