# Cross Roads, Im afraid



## Sniper (Jul 27, 2012)

i am on a path of self discovery right now where i want to explore and try new things with no judgemnets laid on me. On the otherhand I have a fairytale partner that wants to marry. I do love him and things are awesome but I am in this phase. He is not willing to wait while i do this. I am at a cross roads and I am afraid of both outcomes. if I go, i can loose somthing i always wanted, if i stay, this issue will be pressing on me till i burst. What should I do? ! Any advice?


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## 0 1 1 2 3 5 8 13 21 34 (Nov 22, 2009)

You need to think about the _reasons_ for what you want and about how realistic each of your goals are. Maybe one is more of a fantasy and one is actually worthwhile? That's what I would do anyway, probably pretty similar for ENTJs. (These are all the speculations I can make based on the information you've given).


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## Tonimiko (Oct 16, 2011)

Oh no. Did this desire to explore suddenly just hit you, or was it always an underlying feeling you suppressed? If the latter, shame on you for jumping into commitment without telling the whole truth. If the former, well, be realistic and judge your intentions. Just how important is it that you want to go explore, and why? If you stay, and the idea persists, it _will _get in the way of a happy marriage and relationship. (It happened between me and my recent ex. She wanted to go "explore" while I sat at home "waiting". Forget that. I saw that as a red flag from the start.) If you go, you will change, and you both may not be for each other anymore anyhow. Either way, something will happen. It's a matter of sacrifices and what you are willing to risk losing a chance with. You could always endure a subtle guilt-ridden marriage and travel and explore later, or let go of all attachments and do what you want now. You risk losing your partner, but hey, you get to have fun with your life before settling down. You currently don't have children or anything to think about, so this all falls between you and him. 

Let's talk more. I don't know your partner well enough, but this feels very similar to my case with my first. I may be able to give some insight.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

Sniper said:


> i am on a path of self discovery right now where i want to explore and try new things with no judgemnets laid on me. On the otherhand I have a fairytale partner that wants to marry. I do love him and things are awesome but I am in this phase. He is not willing to wait while i do this. I am at a cross roads and I am afraid of both outcomes. if I go, i can loose somthing i always wanted, if i stay, this issue will be pressing on me till i burst. What should I do? ! Any advice?



1. How old are you both? 
2. If you're worth it, he'll wait.


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## Razare (Apr 21, 2009)

Sniper said:


> He is not willing to wait while i do this. I am at a cross roads and I am afraid of both outcomes. if I go, i can loose somthing i always wanted, if i stay, this issue will be pressing on me till i burst. What should I do? ! Any advice?


It's dumb to put conditions on marriage or limitations on a relationship, if you expect to go forward with it. How many people live up to their wedding vows? All of 10 to 20% maybe?

Also, if you married, you'd be compromising something you want. If I've learned one thing about relationships, -never- compromise on anything... because when it all falls apart, you'll have lost everything, even your self-integrity.

Rather do what you want and what you believe in, for your reasons. People should accept and respect you for you, to ask otherwise is disrespectful.

I'm not minimizing his needs... if marriage is what he wants, then he should not compromise either... but then my point would be the relationship is over, no matter how much you love each other. No amount of love can compensate for chipping away at who you are and what you want to be... to do such is the opposite of love, but really, self-inflicted torture.


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## StElmosDream (May 26, 2012)

@_Sniper_

Not much I can add here so I'll just note how 'this discovery phase' is yours to own but you need to redefine it better e.g. am I becoming more confident or life aware?, do I want to live a bit more travelling or take more risks?, how will I know when this 'new me' in life is settled?, if I'm liking what I self discover how do I expect others to view this journey?, is it 'cold feet' or doubts now I'm due to to marry the perfect guy?, why 'self discovery' now?, am I ready to 'settle down' or do I need to live a little more first?, can I narrow down what my real desire is (i.e. volunteering abroad for example) and separate this from personal growth efforts alone?, am I sure that my partner understands my 'self discovery phase' and where they fit into this interval (when it may not be a quick process to ask to them to wait otherwise)?.

A lot of questions I know, so I won't expect you to answer them on PerC if you don't wish to although they do seem like the crux of what your asking for from advice (self understanding most).

I'll leave you with a favoured poem many relate to:
The Double Life by Don Blanding Classic Famous Poet - All Poetry.


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## donkeybals (Jan 13, 2011)

Why can't you do this while you're married?


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## rockstar (Sep 19, 2012)

depends on what you want to try. what is it that you wnat to do that is an obtacle to you getting married?
by the way lol, im terribly sorry but i must point this out. its actually spelled "lose".


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## Sniper (Jul 27, 2012)

thanks so much evryone for your input, just so you know i have broken it off to go develop as a person. I feel too confined right now to mold to any expectations. Im going to go learn about myself. Its only fair, even though were in love, to let him go. If down the road we want to come together again and we are in the right headspace than so be it. Right now its safer for me to just go find my personal contentment. I hope for the best and I am sad but I need to pick my battles, its one thing for me to be miserable on my own and one thing to make someone else miserable because of me. I love him too much for that. Im doing both of us a favor. Thanks again!


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## Sniper (Jul 27, 2012)

by the way lol, im terribly sorry but i must point this out. its actually spelled "lose".[/QUOTE]

lol i know sometimes i type too fast and lack accuracy


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## Sniper (Jul 27, 2012)

donkeybals said:


> Why can't you do this while you're married?


i tried to supress that urge and stay together thinking that i could develop as my own person, but it is just not possible because i keep thinking of what would make him happy. Then when he wants to marry i still say i need time to grow up and igo in circles. So its time to make a choice.


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## Tonimiko (Oct 16, 2011)

Sniper said:


> thanks so much evryone for your input, just so you know i have broken it off to go develop as a person. I feel too confined right now to mold to any expectations. Im going to go learn about myself. Its only fair, even though were in love, to let him go. If down the road we want to come together again and we are in the right headspace than so be it. Right now its safer for me to just go find my personal contentment. I hope for the best and I am sad but I need to pick my battles, its one thing for me to be miserable on my own and one thing to make someone else miserable because of me. I love him too much for that. Im doing both of us a favor. Thanks again!


Take care, time time to heal, and find yourself. I wish you and him luck on your future journeys.


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## donkeybals (Jan 13, 2011)

Sniper said:


> i tried to supress that urge and stay together thinking that i could develop as my own person, but it is just not possible because i keep thinking of what would make him happy. Then when he wants to marry i still say i need time to grow up and igo in circles. So its time to make a choice.


Well, my two cents then, is why do you forget about yourself in the relationship, and just concentrate on the others happiness? That in itself could kill the relationship.... so it's not a good thing your case. I'd work on that.


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## Sniper (Jul 27, 2012)

donkeybals said:


> Well, my two cents then, is why do you forget about yourself in the relationship, and just concentrate on the others happiness? That in itself could kill the relationship.... so it's not a good thing your case. I'd work on that.


not that i forget about my needs, I just think like a couple and think whats good for us when deep down i know i have to have some time to develop and have time for me.


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## Tonimiko (Oct 16, 2011)

I can understand that type of mentality... but one must learn to find *themselves* first before worrying about others! When you're solid about identity and whatnot, then start worrying about thinking about another person, and finally as a couple.


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