# Would you leave your significant other if they had an affair?



## skycloud86 (Jul 15, 2009)

Digger Blue said:


> Here is another facet of the question. What are you able to sacrifice for the marriage?
> What if your partner is not able to provide for your needs sexually? I say this as a male. I have stayed, and I have not cheated.
> Remember, women, your sexuality does not peak until the end of your life. Really good sex with your married partner is not to be taken for granted.
> Digger Blue


Yes, but you should respect that women don't always feel the need for sex as much as men, and neither do some men, either.

Do you think you've done something good by not cheating or leaving her, and why? That's not doing something good, that's being a faithful partner.


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## Poteaux (Jan 19, 2011)

Are forgiveness and trust the same thing?


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## Digger Blue (Dec 1, 2010)

Definitely not. Forgiveness can come after trust has been betrayed, but to trust again takes a lot of time and proven instances.


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## jack london (Aug 27, 2010)

My next door neighbor's wife cheated on him with a doctor. Long story short he now gets palimony.


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## TurquoiseBlue (Feb 24, 2011)

Yes I'd leave. If there's no trust, there's no point. It's a deal breaker. End of story.


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## Fizz (Nov 13, 2010)

jack london said:


> My next door neighbor's wife cheated on him with a doctor. Long story short he now gets palimony.


What do you mean by "palimony"?


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## Ormazd (Jan 26, 2010)

If she cheated on me I don't think I could trust her again.

However if I was previously informed and agreed to a temporary affair in extenuating circumstances. I can't say if I would or would not agree to such a thing but I would certainly be open to consider it.


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## kallisti (Oct 7, 2010)

It depends. I'd be far more hurt if my (hypothetical) partner was in a sexless romantic relationship with someone else than if it was a one time emotionless sexual encounter.


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## devoid (Jan 3, 2011)

I've told my SO this multiple times, which is my unique take on it:

If you ever have the urge to have sex with another person, please ask first. Sex is a separate urge from love, and if that urge becomes serious enough that you feel the need to have sex with another person, then I just want to know beforehand. It would probably hurt for a while, but it's not cheating if you ask permission. I understand that in a lengthly relationship, there may be times when a person gets bored, or feels the need for diversity. That's not to say that I want an open relationship, just an honest and healthy one. It wouldn't be very healthy for one partner to have such urges and have to repress them, in my opinion. Humans are not monogamous in nature, despite what most people want to believe, so I could be open minded if my partner felt a momentary need to be with someone else. It's the emotional devotion that I could not share. If it became a regular thing, or if my partner was in love with another person, I don't think I would be able to stay.


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## pinkrasputin (Apr 13, 2009)

I was in the middle of feeding my one year old daughter baby food when I received a phone call. At the other end I heard " Your husband is cheating on you." Up until that point, I _never_ imagined forgiving anyone. But looking down at your happy baby's face does something to you.


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## devoid (Jan 3, 2011)

Digger Blue said:


> Here is another facet of the question. What are you able to sacrifice for the marriage?
> What if your partner is not able to provide for your needs sexually? I say this as a male. I have stayed, and I have not cheated.
> Remember, women, your sexuality does not peak until the end of your life. Really good sex with your married partner is not to be taken for granted.
> Digger Blue


I don't think of 30 as the end of my life... x3

Anyway, I don't think I could stay in a relationship without my needs being met. I've done so before, but I was much younger and had a very low self esteem. As a teen, girls don't expect much sexually from a relationship (usually). Now that I am technically an adult, and gaining back my sense of self worth, I would definitely want a man who could satisfy me. Sorry guys but... there's only so far love can take you if your basic urges aren't attended. And yes, sex is a very basic urge, almost the exact same urge as hunger. I wouldn't regularly go without food for a lover either.


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## Eylrid (Jun 25, 2009)

keyso said:


> I forgot to respond to the forgiveness part, but I guess that just goes to show how my mind works.
> 
> In a situation where I was cheated on, all my feelings for her would end immediately. This is not exclusive to cheaters, but it is something that happens with everyone when my relationship with them ends. They become pedestrians, strangers. They are not who I thought they were (or I would never have dated them). There is nothing to forgive in this state, because the person who hurt me does not exist.
> 
> I guess I can understand why people say that I act like a robot at times






 
(Most relevant part 2:56 - 3:20)


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## perennialurker (Oct 1, 2009)

Definitely. In my book cheating is NEVER forgivable. They should also expect an unrelentingly vengeful separation process partly to secure my half of the assets but perhaps even more out sheer spite.


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## Digger Blue (Dec 1, 2010)

A man's sexual desire peaks at 18 or 19. I went through that. A woman's sex drive sort of starts to kick in at about 30 or 34, then increases until the end of her life. A man's sex drive decreases, but he has a midlife crisis, and I am thoroughly into that stage. I am 56. Because of my values in being faithful outweigh my desires for good passionate sex with lots of fun foreplay, I can neither cheat on my wife, nor go out and fetch a cute little trophy bride (don't think I could afford one, anyhow; they tend to be high maintenance). So, I live with my quandry. 
Digger Blue


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## Digger Blue (Dec 1, 2010)

Jesus said that we should forgive 70 Times 7 times. Sucky as that may be, I buy it. Also, in case you were reading my post above, that does not give me any right to cheat on my wife. If she were to cheat on me, I would have to forgive her.


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## skycloud86 (Jul 15, 2009)

Digger Blue said:


> A man's sexual desire peaks at 18 or 19. I went through that. A woman's sex drive sort of starts to kick in at about 30 or 34, then increases until the end of her life. A man's sex drive decreases, but he has a midlife crisis, and I am thoroughly into that stage. I am 56. Because of my values in being faithful outweigh my desires for good passionate sex with lots of fun foreplay, I can neither cheat on my wife, nor go out and fetch a cute little trophy bride (don't think I could afford one, anyhow; they tend to be high maintenance). So, I live with my quandry.
> Digger Blue


Are we supposed to feel sorry for you or something? You also sound quite misogynistic in this post, as if you could just out and buy a woman (I know there are ways of doing so, but it's nothing more than human trafficking).

I don't see why you keep needing to post about it, and why you seem to have ignored my earlier post replying to you.


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## Digger Blue (Dec 1, 2010)

I am not at all misogynistic. I responded to a forum question which hit home with me, as I have wrestled with the topic of being faithful to a wife with whom I share a quite unfulfilled sex life. 
That puts me in the situation of a person who has long experience with the question at hand.
I can limit it to the purely theoretical and say: One should never cheat on one's spouse. If one has difficulties, one should find an appropriate sexual counselor and live happily ever after. 
Is that better?


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## keyso (Feb 16, 2011)

I see no reason to discount someones opinion just because their behavior or views are different than my own.


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## viva (Aug 13, 2010)

I would never be able to trust them again.

So yes, I would leave, because a relationship is nothing without trust.


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## Eerie (Feb 9, 2011)

yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. Several times I have forgiven someone for cheating, and that got me no where.


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## Digger Blue (Dec 1, 2010)

My opinion:
I would suggest that in that situation you should have a big knock down, drag out fight to get the truth out, and to confront, and clear the air, then work on rebuilding the trust, if both agree to it. Questions to be answered during that fight are why?, will there be a next time?
If there is a next time, then you kill the s.o.b. 
I am an ESFP, and not so good at strategy, so take it as you will. Who has a better idea? Forgiveness is required if you want to continue the marriage, however. Cheating can kill a marriage, but so can blame.
Digger Blue


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## PyrLove (Jun 6, 2010)

I've lived through a marriage riddled with his infidelity. Never ever ever ever again. I won't even engage in a friends with benefits relationship without a promise of monogamy.

I don't agree with the 'once a cheater, always a cheater' mentality because people do change and learn from their mistakes. However, that doesn't mean I'm willing to let you learn on my time.


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## skycloud86 (Jul 15, 2009)

Digger Blue said:


> I am not at all misogynistic. I responded to a forum question which hit home with me, as I have wrestled with the topic of being faithful to a wife with whom I share a quite unfulfilled sex life.
> That puts me in the situation of a person who has long experience with the question at hand.
> I can limit it to the purely theoretical and say: One should never cheat on one's spouse. If one has difficulties, one should find an appropriate sexual counselor and live happily ever after.
> Is that better?


Of course, but why should that only be theoretical? If your sex life is so unfulfilling, counselling should always come before any consideration of unfaithfulness.


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## devoid (Jan 3, 2011)

skycloud86 said:


> Of course, but why should that only be theoretical? If your sex life is so unfulfilling, counselling should always come before any consideration of unfaithfulness.


What about a consensual affair?


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## skycloud86 (Jul 15, 2009)

hziegel said:


> What about a consensual affair?


That would be acceptable, but that shouldn't need to happen.


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## devoid (Jan 3, 2011)

skycloud86 said:


> That would be acceptable, but that shouldn't need to happen.


Interesting. I'm just curious on your specific thoughts on this. Why shouldn't it need to happen? Do you have a personal sense of moral regarding monogamous relationships, or do you believe that two people can be truly happy being exclusive to each other?


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## keyso (Feb 16, 2011)

skycloud86 said:


> That would be acceptable, but that shouldn't need to happen.


Shouldn't need to happen, or it's not for you? I would be surprised if there weren't many who enjoy this behavior, who are you to say that it is right or wrong?

Whatever makes people happy (and in a relationship I am of course talking about all involved parties.) I say.


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## skycloud86 (Jul 15, 2009)

hziegel said:


> Interesting. I'm just curious on your specific thoughts on this. Why shouldn't it need to happen? Do you have a personal sense of moral regarding monogamous relationships, or do you believe that two people can be truly happy being exclusive to each other?


If there is a need to have a consensual affair whilst maintaining a long-term relationship, then why bother with the long-term relationship?

I do believe two people can be happy being exclusive to each other, but that this isn't suitable or desirable for everyone.


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## Ormazd (Jan 26, 2010)

skycloud86 said:


> If there is a need to have a consensual affair whilst maintaining a long-term relationship, then why bother with the long-term relationship?



Maybe one of them is in the army and won't be back for a year. Maybe they both enjoy being sexually polygamous while being emotionally monogamous. Maybe one of them has a much higher sex drive than the other. *shrugs*


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## devoid (Jan 3, 2011)

skycloud86 said:


> If there is a need to have a consensual affair whilst maintaining a long-term relationship, then why bother with the long-term relationship?
> 
> I do believe two people can be happy being exclusive to each other, but that this isn't suitable or desirable for everyone.


Sex and love are experienced in completely separate areas of the brain, yet both are considered necessary to our health. A long-term relationship may be very satisfying to our need for love and companionship, as well as other legal and financial securities. Yet if there is a momentary diversion in sexual attention, does that mean the entire foundation and life two people have built together is worthless? Is sex so important within a relationship that changing sexual partners temporarily means sacrificing all bonds of emotional, mental and physical stability with a life partner?

I definitely do not condone lying or cheating within a relationship, and I'm not polygamous. But I find it difficult to understand the reasoning behind peoples' beliefs on topics with such strong cultural influences.


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## Cover3 (Feb 2, 2011)

Nopers.....


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## Hokahey (Oct 8, 2010)

I'd like to believe I could, but trust is such a strong thing with me. Completely 100% forgivable? I just don't know, and kinda lean towards no because I know me. Maybe that's wrong. :sad: But it's me.


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## lirulin (Apr 16, 2010)

Not in a million years. If they want to try again, they can do it with someone else.


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## curious0610 (Jun 27, 2010)

I'm going to define affair here to mean both a physical and a non-physical one...

If my partner cheated on me... I think I would emotionally check out of this relationship long before I physically walk out the door... I suspect it might take me a while to "unfreeze" to sort out my thoughts before walking out the door (ideally, I will have sorted out the emotional baggage before physically walking out)...but when I do leave, it will be clean and crystal clear. This means: no messy divorce settlements.... no complicated discussions.... it will be a clean INFJ door slam, and it will be clear that there are no "if's, and's or but's". Also... by the time I have "checked out" and sorted my thoughts on this, I will opt for the cleanest divorce route. honestly, by the time I let reality sink in, he will mean so little to me and not worth my time and energy to fight with... Maybe because of a mixture of pride or pure disgust, I wouldn't mind letting him keep more of our assets if it meant having to deal with him less through a complicated law suit.


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## Crystall (Mar 30, 2010)

I would kick his lying, cheating, heartbreaking butt straight to the curve. I absolutely adore and idealize my partner; my whole world revolves around him to the point of adjusting my goals in life to fit my life with him and his happiness. He goes and takes me for granted and brakes my trust after everything I've done for him and then expects me to take him back???!!! HELL NO!!! If he ever hurt me like that he would never see me again. 

I'd also most likely burn his clothes, and throw his pc out the window. :angry:


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## AussieChick (Dec 27, 2010)

I'd forgive a first offence,and maybe a second.But three strikes and you're booted out the door.


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## Ormazd (Jan 26, 2010)

Crystall said:


> I would kick his lying, cheating, heartbreaking butt straight to the curve. I absolutely adore and idealize my partner; my whole world revolves around him to the point of adjusting my goals in life to fit my life with him and his happiness. He goes and takes me for granted and brakes my trust after everything I've done for him and then expects me to take him back???!!! HELL NO!!! If he ever hurt me like that he would never see me again.
> 
> I'd also most likely burn his clothes, and throw his pc out the window. :angry:


Because destroying his property is an appropriate way to deal with that kind of situation? I would probably sue for damages if someone destroyed my stuff. (though I don't really see myself being in a situation where someone would do that to me.)


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## Crystall (Mar 30, 2010)

Ormazd said:


> Because destroying his property is an appropriate way to deal with that kind of situation? I would probably sue for damages if someone destroyed my stuff. (though I don't really see myself being in a situation where someone would do that to me.)


He should have thought of that while he was fucking his whore. If he didn't want me to "destroy his property" he shouldn't have cheated on me, the worthless sack of shit (this hasn't actually happened to me, but I'm imagining this is how I'd react).


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## Evil Genius (Dec 31, 2010)

Yes in most circumstances.


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## jack london (Aug 27, 2010)

Crystall said:


> He should have thought of that while he was fucking his whore. If he didn't want me to "destroy his property" he shouldn't have cheated on me, the worthless sack of shit (this hasn't actually happened to me, but I'm imagining this is how I'd react).


When I cheated on an ENFP ( not man enough to just break it off with her ) she made me fall in love with her again then she left me. Now that is revenge he will remember.


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## Vanitas (Dec 13, 2009)

It depends, but I think I would. It's very hard for me to trust anyone, and some boundaries can't be uncrossed. If the person have an affair one time, then say to me that they did and break our relationship off, then later get back together.. it's possible. I'd rather someone break up with me than consciously making a fool of me. It's disrespectful, and plenty cowardly.


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## Ormazd (Jan 26, 2010)

Crystall said:


> He should have thought of that while he was fucking his whore. If he didn't want me to "destroy his property" he shouldn't have cheated on me, the worthless sack of shit (this hasn't actually happened to me, but I'm imagining this is how I'd react).


While I think I understand the whole "grr, anger" aspect of this. I don't understand how revenge is okay. Sure, yell scream cry whatever, do what you need to to get over it and not let the anger fester. But hurting someone else simply because they hurt you doesn't make sense to me, where is the benefit in that? You are not bringing him down to your level, you're bringing yourself down to his level. But again, who benefits from this? I don't understand how anybody benefits.


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## Spectrum (Jun 11, 2010)

If she gives me a threesome with herself and hot bff, then I'm fine. Her debt can be paid.


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## Crystall (Mar 30, 2010)

jack london said:


> When I cheated on an ENFP ( not man enough to just break it off with her ) she made me fall in love with her again then she left me. Now that is revenge he will remember.


Not even almost worth my time. 



Ormazd said:


> While I think I understand the whole "grr, anger" aspect of this. I don't understand how revenge is okay. Sure, yell scream cry whatever, do what you need to to get over it and not let the anger fester. But hurting someone else simply because they hurt you doesn't make sense to me, where is the benefit in that? You are not bringing him down to your level, you're bringing yourself down to his level. But again, who benefits from this? I don't understand how anybody benefits.


It's a punishment suitable for the crime if you ask me. You've heard of crimes of passion, right? Well, if you plead "crime passionnel" in France you could receive as little as 2 years in prison for murders committed in the heat of a jealous rage. 
Now I consider myself to be a level headed person, and in most cases I do strive to be the bigger person and not make enemies, but I'm also a passionate person, so in this case; no. He needs to suffer, and he just better be damn grateful I let him keep all his organs intact. :angry:


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## Juliet (Feb 25, 2011)

It obviously depends significantly on the exact situation- but I think I can say that in order for me to leave her she'd have to do it a 2nd time. The first time is a huge deal but I wouldn't leave anyone for one mistake, provided the rest of the relationship has no issues.


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## Ormazd (Jan 26, 2010)

Crystall said:


> It's a punishment suitable for the crime if you ask me. You've heard of crimes of passion, right? Well, if you plead "crime passionnel" in France you could receive as little as 2 years in prison for murders committed in the heat of a jealous rage.
> Now I consider myself to be a level headed person, and in most cases I do strive to be the bigger person and not make enemies, but I'm also a passionate person, so in this case; no. He needs to suffer, and he just better be damn grateful I let him keep all his organs intact. :angry:


But why must he be punished? Yes you're angry, but how is anger a valid reason for attacking someone? I don't think I'm going to ever *really* understand this.


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## angularvelocity (Jun 15, 2009)

vivacissimamente said:


> I would never be able to trust them again.
> 
> So yes, I would leave, because a relationship is nothing without trust.


Good thing you don't have to worry about that! :wink:


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## pinkrasputin (Apr 13, 2009)

Ormazd said:


> But why must he be punished? Yes you're angry, but how is anger a valid reason for attacking someone? I don't think I'm going to ever *really* understand this.


 Because we are ENFPs and we teach. We are educators. We love the world. We expect people to behave better. That is why his best friend/roommate is totally not off limits after he cheats. It's an awesome learning device.


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## MissJordan (Dec 21, 2010)

Not right away, but that breach of trust means eventually, yes.


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## Ormazd (Jan 26, 2010)

pinkrasputin said:


> Because we are ENFPs and we teach. We are educators. We love the world. We expect people to behave better. That is why his best friend/roommate is totally not off limits after he cheats. It's an awesome learning device.


I can understand the desire to better the world. But...these examples so far, just seem so, horrendous to me. I can't imagine doing these things to someone and feel that I was doing good. It seems like so much cost for such little potential gain.


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## kingcarcas (Mar 23, 2010)

Yes sir, funny thing about cheating, it's been clear cut for me because i would never get involved with a girl who didn't mean anything to me and wasn't quality.

When i step back and look at the average person i say "Why is cheating a big deal anyway?" Don't they have sex with people just for fun? Heck they probably met by doing just that, the animalists do that sort of thing all the time so why can't they just say "Hey babe, it was just lust, forget it, i really love you though!" Suddenly sex becomes this big meaningful thing when to most people it initially doesn't even really mean anything. hah


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## Crystall (Mar 30, 2010)

kingcarcas said:


> Yes sir, funny thing about cheating, it's been clear cut for me because i would never get involved with a girl who didn't mean anything to me and wasn't quality.
> 
> When i step back and look at the average person i say "Why is cheating a big deal anyway?" Don't they have sex with people just for fun? Heck they probably met by doing just that, the animalists do that sort of thing all the time so why can't they just say "Hey babe, it was just lust, forget it, i really love you though!" Suddenly sex becomes this big meaningful thing when to most people it initially doesn't even really mean anything. hah


I expect my significant other to respect me enough to never hurt me by cheating and lying to me like that. If he doesn't then he doesn't deserve me either. I don't have sex just for fun unless I'm in a committed relationship with someone I love, otherwise sex feels completely meaningless and... makes me feel cheap. 
I waited six months before I slept with my current boyfriend, so no, I didn't just realize one day that I was interested in more than his penis. He has a very nice penis, but if he ever stuck it in another girl I wouldn't want to touch it ever again. :tongue:


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## lizziebaby420 (Apr 15, 2010)

yes i would, it just proves they'll do it again.
i trust no one anyways.


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## Oliver (Feb 10, 2010)

I wouldn't leave her in the sense that she would be "out of my life", that's just silly, cheating isn't murder and everyone has the right to make mistakes... and the duty to make up for their mistakes. To me, the intimate relationship would be immediately over. She would still be a friend, but nothing could be done to heal the rift for a long time ahead, because it means she has a major flaw in her personality, and one's personality doesn't change quickly...

Of course, everything I've said rests on the foundation that both of us vow to stay faithful to each other when the relationship begins.


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## life support (Feb 19, 2011)

if the defining feature of this question is simply "an affair", of course not. some of the responses on this thread boggle my mind. i am a monogamous person, but that is my own personal view. i simply have not met someone else whom i feel emotion for as significantly as my partner. if i did, i would discuss it with her. aside from this, if it is just sex, i would have to wonder why my partner would feel the need to seek sex elsewhere. because it is different? because there is a different experience? because i am displeasing her? because she is in love with another person? i would consider leaving if the reason was because she did not feel happy with me any longer and did not wish to state this to spare what emotional investment she perceives i have. i would not feel it to be fair to remain with her if she felt our relationship to be a burden, but that is not out of maliciousness or anger. there are ultimately many reasons why people cheat. the behavior that bothers me more about an affair would not be the physical or even mental component of the affair but rather if my partner were to lie to me about it.


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## StandingTiger (Dec 25, 2010)

I would absolutely leave the person. Are you kidding me?


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## perennialurker (Oct 1, 2009)

In defense of the 'vengeful' angle and in response to the queries about "why would they need to be punished" I would offer that for ENFPs, INTJs, or indeed anyone so infuriated probably feels this way because they feel that they gave a great deal to this person. It is not a rational response to be vengeful, but it IS how I and at least some others would probably react to a highly emotional situation. Indeed that is partly why; the significant other was let into our most tightly guarded feelings which explains what in another context we might see as an overreaction. Here it feels like the only response to a (literally) unbelievable betrayal.


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## abster (Feb 9, 2011)

Yes i would because i have never cheated, no intention to and i dont understand ppl who do. Im not judging ppl who cheat, its just tht i cant do it myself even with temptations. If im unhappy ill address the issue and communicate with my significant other, if nothing changes than we'll break up. My three deal breakers are: if a man cheats on me, if a man is emotionally and physically abusive towards me, if a man wastes his life on drugs and alcohol.


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## SyndiCat (Oct 2, 2010)

sweet misery said:


> Is it ever forgivable?


it is not.


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## Mutatio NOmenis (Jun 22, 2009)

They'd be lucky if I just left them.


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## sweet misery (Jan 17, 2011)

hmwith said:


> I would absolutely leave the person. Are you kidding me?


No, I'm not. Relationships are personal and many people have the choice of forgiveness. The Karma comes back on the person that made the bad choice in the first place. I admire someone able to forgive.


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## sweet misery (Jan 17, 2011)

abster said:


> Yes i would because i have never cheated, no intention to and i dont understand ppl who do. Im not judging ppl who cheat, its just tht i cant do it myself even with temptations. If im unhappy ill address the issue and communicate with my significant other, if nothing changes than we'll break up. My three deal breakers are: if a man cheats on me, if a man is emotionally and physically abusive towards me, if a man wastes his life on drugs and alcohol.


100% agree. I'm with you.


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## sweet misery (Jan 17, 2011)

Awesome, The journey to self discovery.


hziegel said:


> I don't think of 30 as the end of my life... x3
> 
> Anyway, I don't think I could stay in a relationship without my needs being met. I've done so before, but I was much younger and had a very low self esteem. As a teen, girls don't expect much sexually from a relationship (usually). Now that I am technically an adult, and gaining back my sense of self worth, I would definitely want a man who could satisfy me. Sorry guys but... there's only so far love can take you if your basic urges aren't attended. And yes, sex is a very basic urge, almost the exact same urge as hunger. I wouldn't regularly go without food for a lover either.


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## sweet misery (Jan 17, 2011)

Wow, I wish I had that ability. If you loved them you can just stop the feeling of love?


keyso said:


> I forgot to respond to the forgiveness part, but I guess that just goes to show how my mind works.
> 
> In a situation where I was cheated on, all my feelings for her would end immediately. This is not exclusive to cheaters, but it is something that happens with everyone when my relationship with them ends. They become pedestrians, strangers. They are not who I thought they were (or I would never have dated them). There is nothing to forgive in this state, because the person who hurt me does not exist.
> 
> I guess I can understand why people say that I act like a robot at times


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## sweet misery (Jan 17, 2011)

sweet misery said:


> Just curious as to people's reaction's to this question. Is it ever forgivable?


Does having children change the situation?


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## Longdove (Jan 4, 2011)

I have done so in nearly all my relationships, but they kind of left first, and that's the thing it was forgiven or would have been forgiven if they at least acknowledged it, but they didn't, so I didn't want to deal with that anymore, it was easier just to leave and let them choose their real choice instead of a contrived one.


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## etherealuntouaswithin (Dec 7, 2010)

I would take leave of the relationship at once.More-so however to maintain my personal sense of internal balance and honor than anything else."you cheated with him?,well then, good luck to you both" is how i would likely respond as i exit.


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## killerB (Jan 14, 2010)

I guess it would depend on circumstances. And time together. It is so easy for people to say that they would just walk away, however, the reality is often not quite that simple.

If I were newly together, then I would leave without looking back. If i had say, 30 years and children with someone, I may determine it was worth it to work it out. There would be, of course, certain things that would need to be answered before I would ever even begin to attempt to work things out. Is it a one time 'I screwed up' fling, or a long term affair? Is the person a serial cheater or not? Has my realtionship been pretty good up until then? Is it even worth saving? I would have to think long and hard before I agreed to work anything out. There would be no living together, therapy, and we both would date around before I let them move back in with me. Sex would be out for sure. I would expect them to move the earth to regain my trust, and it would be along time in coming.


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## Mutatio NOmenis (Jun 22, 2009)

If I had a remiss lover...

Piranha solution - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


"That clear liquid over there might be piranha solution, or it might be water. Just so that your pathetic, spineless, heartless ass understands this, let me tell you what it does. If I threw this on you, it'd eat your flesh right off your bones. It's burn you with heat hot enough to ingnite your hair. Give me ONE good reason why I shouldn't USE it on you!"

- Some drunk wacko I saw at a bar who thought he was a chemsit.


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## Novalis (Feb 17, 2011)

It's funny. If you commit financial fraud, you go to jail. If you commit emotional fraud, though, there are few to no repercussions (depending on the conscious of the fraudster). I would personally value emotional well-being well above financial well-being. Apparently society does not agree. Odd.

Just saying...


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## SyndiCat (Oct 2, 2010)

sweet misery said:


> No, I'm not. Relationships are personal and many people have the choice of forgiveness. The Karma comes back on the person that made the bad choice in the first place. I admire someone able to forgive.


I don't admire people that bends to their own principles.


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## Compassionate Misanthrope (Mar 2, 2011)

keyso said:


> I would leave. The trust is lost, and my unbreakable loyalty has been broken.
> 
> But that's me. Loyalty and honor is core to my being, and I don't give either away easily.


Yep. Zero tolerance policy.


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## WildWinds (Mar 9, 2010)

It would be over. There's just no excuse for that sort of behavior, none whatsoever. 

I will not be a mother to a man, and there's no way to ever gain that trust back. I will not go keep a record book of all his passwords and check his email, check his FB, go through his shit, look through his texts etc to make sure he's being loyal so we can stay together and I can "trust him". Its not my responsibility to monitor what he does. Either he can do it himself in the first place or man up and end the relationship if he wants to have flings, or he can be single so he can do what he wants without having to worry about me. 

If I want something to train, I'll get myself a puppy.


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## Drewbie (Apr 28, 2010)

I would probably leave someone if they had an affair. I mean, I'm not even monogamous so you really have to have some really skeezy motivation to hide a relationship from me when if you just tell me about it I probably would be happy for you.


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## Digger Blue (Dec 1, 2010)

First of all, if you are married and you are not monogamous, you got nothing.
Second, everyone is in the need of forgiveness at some point in their lives. You should not kill your mate for cheating, but rather make them wish they were dead. Then forgive and move on. Trust can be rebuilt, but there is then a past that no one should want to burden a marriage with. 
Digger Blue


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## dagnytaggart (Jun 6, 2010)

Unless we originally agreed upon an open relationship (which would be contingent upon absolute compliance to safety precautions - I don't babysit grown men, so this is all based on trust, so I'd only opt for an open relationship if I already knew the guy well), it'd be over. 

Like cheating on a college admissions exam - you're booted the fuck out. No listening to apologies, "explanations", no second chances, no return. Sorry, but there's just too many other people out there, who are responsible and won't put me at risk of HIV.

I don't want STDs, and it's the ultimate sign of disrespect.


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## dagnytaggart (Jun 6, 2010)

Mutatio NOmenis said:


> They'd be lucky if I just left them.


You have violence issues.


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## curious0610 (Jun 27, 2010)

Not sure if this is a good or bad thing, but I change my response about this - initially I was very reluctant about saying "yes". Although I could imagine what I would feel like/do eventually, I wasn't quite ready to let go of the idea of a relationship with a significant other, provided that he was someone I had come to greatly trust and love.
In changing my original response:
Yes, I would leave them. 

This thought process would probably mirror how I would react in a real-life scenario: first being unwilling to shut them out, "thinking" with my emotions/affections, and after letting this sit for a while, finally thinking with logic and clarity.


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## Up and Away (Mar 5, 2011)

No I wouldnt. Im in it no matter what. Just me folks, I aint judgin and I aint sayin it'd be easy.


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## skycloud86 (Jul 15, 2009)

Souled In said:


> No I wouldnt. Im in it no matter what. Just me folks, I aint judgin and I aint sayin it'd be easy.


Would you say that you would find it hard to leave a bad relationship? Do you tend to fall strongly in love?


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## Up and Away (Mar 5, 2011)

Boundaries are necessary, while we build the self esteem and techniques necessary to combat the problem that created that boundary in the first place.

For example, if there is a hoard attacking my city, I will build a huge wall.

HOWEVER, once I train my city enough to "take it to em" oh yes I'm going to go outside of the wall, and simply kill them all.

The hoard is a metaphor for ANY problem in all of life.



If you are not willing to make "any" exceptions, your value system looks like this.

1) Not willing to make an exception about "cheating"
2) Valuing love, commitment, having a relationship, being one, working together, character growth, intimacy

That doesn't mean you should blame yourself for this value system, or blame someone else, because that might be dwelling on the failed relationship more than you need to. However, sometimes reflection and reading books such as "Dont take it Personally" can be very necessary and beneficial. It just depends on the person.

However, the more faith in ourselves, and the less boundaries which exclude things based on actions, the more love we can have.

For example, many of us have exceptions for violence. "Self-defense" is the obvious justification, however, Ghandi would disagree, and was completely non-violent.

However, Ghandi also says something like: for someone that needs to make exceptions, that doesn't, is no more than a hypocrite.

We have to be true to ourselves and make boundaries when we need to, not blindly follow our ideal if we can't.

That being said, I think it is great people are making steps to defend their self esteem, which is necessary in life, because we aren't perfect.

And not being perfect is good, because admitting our vulnerability is the only way to make connections with other people, which allows us to love.

However, let us not shield our eyes from the goal. To Love MORE.

We must beleive in ourselves.

One day we will be strong enough to love murderers, thieves, moneycollectors, whores, cheaters, etc...

I understand that people take vows without being fully ready to make them.

I understand that.

All I'm here to do is offer hope.

Hope for it being better.


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## Kr3m1in (Jan 16, 2011)

I was 16 when someone I was insane about cheated on me in front of me.
It was kind of a heartbreaking story and I guess it fucked with me pretty hard.

But I pride myself on walking away from it the way i did. With a 'good luck, I never want to see you again' and no drama.
Now this person's been trying to see me for 7 years.It won't happen.

That should explain my stand on the issue well enough.


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## curious0610 (Jun 27, 2010)

@Kr3m1in @periculosa and any others who posted about being cheated on:

Do you think this experience impacts the way you currently view relationships? For example, once someone has shattered this your ideals/values/ notion of trust and commitment within that specific relationship, do you wonder if other people (in subsequent relationships) will eventually change their mind and go back on what they said to you earlier? Just curious what others think.


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## Kr3m1in (Jan 16, 2011)

@curious0610
I think it impacted the way I viewed relationships right after that experience...like they didn't really exist or mean anything.I mean when I say it fucked with me, I mean that.I went the libertine route for a while.I don't think I had trust issues, but I just didn't want to even think about the concept, I was too drained to try anything like that again.

It may have given me an angle that I still employ with current relationships, in terms of doing things from the heart or not at all.But many things could've given me that angle.

I don't really have self-preservation instincts or anything, I know what I want, I go for it, if I fail, so be it.
I don't sit around doubting every potential affair just because some cunt couldn't keep it in her pants. but then again, that's just my personality.I'm sure many people would hurt differently and feel differently about it.


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## Stephen (Jan 17, 2011)

curious0610 said:


> Do you think this experience impacts the way you currently view relationships? For example, once someone has shattered this your ideals/values/ notion of trust and commitment within that specific relationship, do you wonder if other people (in subsequent relationships) will eventually *change their mind and go back on what they said to you earlier*? Just curious what others think.


If by this you mean, do I worry that a girlfriend who is monogamous to me will remain that way, then I would say, no. I do have the occasional hangup, since Si hits hard sometimes when it makes a comparison between something a girlfriend says or does and what a cheating/abandoning ex says or does. However, I can't function in a relationship unless I can start it with a full helping of trust for my partner. To me, that means expecting that they care about me, that they're attracted to me, that they won't cheat, and that if there are problems, they'll try to talk them out with me and solve them instead of suddenly ending it one day. Looking at my history, I'll admit it's a wonder I've hung onto such faith and trust in others.


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## curious0610 (Jun 27, 2010)

@Kr3m1in and @Stephen, Thanks for sharing your opinions =)


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## Up and Away (Mar 5, 2011)

Stephen said:


> If by this you mean, do I worry that a girlfriend who is monogamous to me will remain that way, then I would say, no. I do have the occasional hangup, since Si hits hard sometimes when it makes a comparison between something a girlfriend says or does and what a cheating/abandoning ex says or does. However, I can't function in a relationship unless I can start it with a full helping of trust for my partner. To me, that means expecting that they care about me, that they're attracted to me, that they won't cheat, and that if there are problems, they'll try to talk them out with me and solve them instead of suddenly ending it one day. Looking at my history, I'll admit it's a wonder I've hung onto such faith and trust in others.


The novelty of the relationship for me kind of makes up for my lack of trust, and trust it seems to me, is wrestled with, building, step by step. Its not easy.

I've always left someone in the past (highschool) when they cheated on me in that drastic manner. However, if say my wife was a recent prostitute, and she had a huge rejection (family member dying) and she ran away from me because... Idk, and went back to her old ways, then when I went to find her, going right into the brothel, and tore her right out from under another man, I would be able to forgive her, but I would be severely hurt.

In fact, I would always forgive her, but if that happened again, I think I would have to say, "I love you, and will wait for you, come to me when you are ready. I know you have to find your place in the world."

I wouldnt blame them for hurting me. I would recognize that they are hurting themselves, and that they are truly worth my love underneath.

I know none of you might give a crap about what I feel about this, but it certainly is importnt to me, and if you do care, then read Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers.


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## Stephen (Jan 17, 2011)

Souled In said:


> I wouldnt blame them for hurting me. I would recognize that they are hurting themselves, and that they are truly worth my love underneath. (...) I know none of you might give a crap about what I feel about this, but it certainly is importnt to me


So, there isn't any portion of you that's interested in protecting yourself from the infidelity? You don't feel like you'd not be respecting your own value by not ending a relationship like that?

Why wouldn't we give a crap about your perspective? We're all sharing here, of course we want you to do the same.


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## Up and Away (Mar 5, 2011)

Stephen said:


> So, there isn't any portion of you that's interested in protecting yourself from the infidelity? You don't feel like you'd not be respecting your own value by not ending a relationship like that?
> 
> Why wouldn't we give a crap about your perspective? We're all sharing here, of course we want you to do the same.


Lol thanks for the T pep talk.  (in a good way)

Yes, Im sorry for not being completely clear. I do in fact protect myself with a sense of materialism that I try to work on seperately but towards my idealogy.

I find it hard to describe what I would do, without also describing what I would like to do.

I think my recent comment might have focused too much on the second (idealism), which is probably what made it seem out of place to you.

In a realistic sense, I'd have to be practical and see what factors caused the "acting out."

People have problems, and the way they acted out, really takes some understanding on my part to understand how much of care for "me" did they sacrifice.

Sometimes if people are addicted to things enough, we cant take it personally when they act out, however, we might need to insist they go to rehab etc.. (hopefully before the fact).

I would be more hurt that they didn't tell me they had a problem than did the problem, however, like I keep saying, it depends on really:

Do they care about Us, or the Addiction more?

That being said, its hard to consider our knowledge unless we are a substance abuse/ or marriage counselor etc.. to really know how much someone cares about us.

It certainly takes a lot of knowledge to understand the situation.

*That being said, as a median of practicality to use with my idealism, I would stay seperated until I futher understood their level of care for their addiction (how much they want it and how much they want to stop it) and also their level of care for me.*

So, I dont need to make exceptions or create boundaries that say something is impossible or "I would never." I will take the time I need to make a rational decision.

If I was blindsided and they cheated, I would leave them (mentally as I focus my energy on the problem) for longer simply becaues it would take longer to solve.

However, if I had a contingency plan already set up, it might be drastically shorter, however, contingency plans, like fire escape plans, are rarely 100% effective.

There is always an exception, unless I'm all knowing, which I am not. It could take time though for some possibilities to come about.

Thanks for asking Stephen.


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## DarkLight (Apr 8, 2011)

Being married can be boring at times, but that is only because you have to be responsible all the time to provide a good life for your family. Everyone needs to play sometimes, you just have to find that balance and not get stuck in a boring routine. 
The bad thing about my ex wife is that if she came to me and said she needed to go outside our marriage for something, I could respect the honesty and "just may" be able to deal with that, but to go behind my back the way she did was unforgivable 
I'm a pretty open person who wants everything laid out on the table, no matter what it is, just no lies. If she would have came to me with the truth, the worst that would happen is that I may feel that we shouldn't be married anymore, but she would keep my respect. By going behind my back she lost both my love and respect.


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## Mr.Xl Vii (Jan 19, 2011)

It really depends how serious the relationship is. If I had a lot emotionally invested, then I'd probably dump them. If it was sort of a fling then I would probably stay with them until I found something better.


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## AussieChick (Dec 27, 2010)

@periculosa,yes thank you for sharing your story.I honestly have no idea what i would do if that ever happened to me.My husband did in a sense cheat on me,he molested our daughter and exposed our sons to pornography for two years behind my back,before my oldest son caught his father interfering with his sister,and told me.I felt like i had betrayed my children,by not realising the signs of my husbands abuse.I was abused as a child myself by a relative,i should have seen it coming.My husbands behaviour around the children was bizarre in retrospect.I kicked my husband out of the house,but i never divorced him immediately and i do regret not doing that now.We have been separated ten years next month,and i have recently met a wonderful man,i want to share my life with.Now i have to face my husband again even though he has never truly been out of my life,these past ten years,and i have been stuck in limbo,neither able to move forward or back.I told my husband that i want a divorce,it's going to happen whether he files for it or i do.I've finally realised that i held the power in my hands too,that day i found out my husband was committing the ultimate betrayal in our marriage,and if he thinks i can take him back after ten years as if nothing happened,he's wrong.The sooner i cut him from my life the sooner my children and i can live our lives without his continued presence,and i can finally give my love to a man who respects me and wants to be with me and me only.


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## AussieChick (Dec 27, 2010)

@periculosa,yes thank you for sharing your story.I honestly have no idea what i would do if that ever happened to me.My husband did in a sense cheat on me,he molested our daughter and exposed our sons to pornography for two years behind my back,before my oldest son caught his father interfering with his sister,and told me.I felt like i had betrayed my children,by not realising the signs of my husbands abuse.I was abused as a child myself by a relative,i should have seen it coming.My husbands behaviour around the children was bizarre in retrospect.I kicked my husband out of the house,but i never divorced him immediately and i do regret not doing that now.We have been separated ten years next month,and i have recently met a wonderful man,i want to share my life with.Now i have to face my husband again even though he has never truly been out of my life,these past ten years,and i have been stuck in limbo,neither able to move forward or back.I told my husband that i want a divorce,it's going to happen whether he files for it or i do.I've finally realised that i held the power in my hands too,that day i found out my husband was committing the ultimate betrayal in our marriage,and if he thinks i can take him back after ten years as if nothing happened,he's wrong.The sooner i cut him from my life the sooner my children and i can lives without his continued presence,and i can finally give my love to a man who respects me and wants to be with me only.


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## Ena (Mar 8, 2011)

sweet misery said:


> Just curious as to people's reaction's to this question. Is it ever forgivable?


I would destroy them.


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## TJSeabury (Nov 23, 2010)

Absolutely not forgivable. It's an act of utter betrayal.


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## AussieChick (Dec 27, 2010)

Oops i made a duplicate post by mistake and i don't know how to delete it


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## Stephen (Jan 17, 2011)

Ozziechick1966 said:


> Oops i made a duplicate post by mistake and i don't know how to delete it


You're not going to be able to delete it. You could edit it, remove all the text and put something like, "Oops i made a duplicate post by mistake and i don't know how to delete it" in that space.


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## PAdude (Mar 18, 2011)

I don't know how anybody could even consider staying with their SO, there is legitimately no good excuse for cheating if both partners are supposed to be in a monogomous relationship.


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## Digger Blue (Dec 1, 2010)

Ozziechick1966:
When the time comes to be confrontational, do so. In as there is such a chasm between your values and your 'to be "Ex's" ' it will do you some good. 
I have much sorrow in reading your story. Thanks for sharing. 
Regards,
Digger Blue


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## Mutatio NOmenis (Jun 22, 2009)

Unforgiveable! I could describe what I'd do, but I would come off as a psycho. Let's just say that I would lose any respect I had for them at all. Think the psychological equivalent of having any sort of self-worth forcibly torn from you.

I'd probably mentally break them slowly, make them feel horribly about it, make them come to a revelation, and when it seems like we're going to make up, tell them in a whisper: "No." And then I slam the door in their face. It's like a non-lethal version of the Bond One Liner.


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## Cubie (May 3, 2011)

*I would definatly give my partner a second chance because i believe in second chances. But if my partner were to do it again then i would leave because I'm not going to be a door mat. I would try to work things out the first time they did something like that and obviously if that doesn't work, my partner doesn't deserve me.*


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## thor odinson (May 21, 2011)

"Would you leave your significant other if they had an affair? 
Just curious as to people's reaction's to this question. Is it ever forgivable? "

Hell no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1) once a cheater, always a cheater
2) plenty more fish in the sea

I don't give a flaming fuck what their screwed up reason was, unless I had physically abused them or cheated on them my self hell no. Neglect, long distance time appart, emotionally distant are all bullshit reasons. There's a solution to all these barriers, a good old heart-to-heart and if that doesn't work you might be with the wrong person. I'm pretty tolerant, but for me cheating is murder 1. Literally I could not think of a worse thing to do to my potential SO than cheating apart from physically abusing them. I think it's direct but fair, for I don't ask others to do what I don't expect from myself.​


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## FXGZ (May 19, 2011)

If I married him because I thought he is an honest and loyal guy, I would totally leave him.
If I married him because he is filthy rich, I wouldn't leave as long as the money is still there.

It depends on why I married him in the first place, reasons could be A, B, C, D, and E. If he violated A (loyality), I would leave if that is the quality I married. If married him for reasons B,C,D, or E, an violation of A does little to me.


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## android654 (Jan 19, 2010)

I'm not a very forgiving person, and I don't lend trust lightly, so if someone earns that trust and loses it then they're dead to me.


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## Kr3m1in (Jan 16, 2011)

Well, to be fair, if they do that, they kind of already left you.

So whatever you would be walking out of, you're probably alone in.
I don't know if that would count as leaving them.


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## skycloud86 (Jul 15, 2009)

FXGZ said:


> If I married him because I thought he is an honest and loyal guy, I would totally leave him.
> If I married him because he is filthy rich, I wouldn't leave as long as the money is still there.


I hope by staying with him because he was filthy rich means spending every last dollar he has on yourself, before leaving him.


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## Jennywocky (Aug 7, 2009)

sweet misery said:


> Just curious as to people's reaction's to this question. Is it ever forgivable?


An actual affair?
I don't know if I could forgive that. It implies continuing betrayal rather than some random weird screwup.

I think I could forgive a singular screwup, since people sometimes misjudge situations and/or just do really stupid things. It depends on the context and what choices were actually made, and how he approached me about it. I'm pretty good at evaluating people's attitudes, so I could sense whether he was sincerely sorry and would fix the things that led to the screwup, or whether he was insincere and/or not committed enough to fix things.

Someone mentioned that their reason for marrying would impact their decision, which I find to be a rational response; and I guess if I married for money and still had my money, then I wouldn't really care, but if I married out of love, then chances are things would sour.



skycloud86 said:


> I hope by staying with him because he was filthy rich means spending every last dollar he has on yourself, before leaving him.


Hee, that reminds me of this joke.


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## redmanXNTP (May 17, 2011)

sweet misery said:


> Just curious as to people's reaction's to this question. Is it ever forgivable?


It's forgivable if both people can communicate openly about what led to it and throw themselves wholeheartedly into repairing things, not just back to the way they were, but into something better. The marriage will never be the same, but it might be better. 

I divorced my wife because she had an affair. We had had problems and I told her on the night I found out and confronted her that I could forgive her if she cut off the relationship and gave every effort to improve our marriage. She did neither, and so I filed and walked. The betrayal and subsequent cheating and lies by someone who was at the very center of my life for what I thought after 7 years of marriage and 9 years of being exclusive was forever was the toughest thing I've ever gone through. I had a major depressive episode before that, and I'd take that MDE any day over the affair. 

If you can't fix your marriage, use it as a motivation to learn more about yourself, what went wrong in your marriage (not just the affair, but everything; affairs are usually symptoms of other problems), and the kind of mate you will work better in the future. 

Things will get better, I promise. Good luck to you.


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## redmanXNTP (May 17, 2011)

sweet misery said:


> Does having children change the situation?


God yes! In my case, the affair happened just before my only child, a boy, turned 2. I felt guilt-ridden about him for many months after I knew I no longer felt anything for my ex. I felt like I was being selfish and letting him down. I'm not a crier but there were nights after I was separated where I'd read him bedtime poems that my father had read me when I was young and would cry because I couldn't give him the intact marriage that my parents had. I wondered whether I was being too hasty and should give things another try - I actually did "try" again after that but it was apparent that my marriage was dead.

In truth though, and I knew this in my head before I did in my heart, you can't "stay together for the kids" if you want your kids to see a healthy, cooperative, communicative, warm, loving, successful relationship. I finally accepted that, as painful as the divorce was, it was an opportunity to find someone with whom I could partner and successfully role model for my son. 

It takes a long time to work through this stuff, maybe longer for me because I'm a non-communicative thinker rather than a feeler, and emotions are my weakest attribute. Most psychologists seem to think that when couples are working on issues, all you need is 3-6 months to figure out whether it will work or not. As it happened, I was done after almost exactly 6 months of trying to get her to cut off the relationship, stop lying, and work on the marriage, and was ready to move on. It took me longer to accept that I'd made that decision, which was where so much of the pain from my son came in. 

Just keep the conflict away from your kids, whatever you do. They didn't cause or deserve this. You owe it to them and it will damage them if you expose them to the conflict.


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## Mutatio NOmenis (Jun 22, 2009)

Just let them go? No, I'm putting them through the hell that they opened upon me first.


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## shadowofambivalence (May 11, 2011)

If they are honest with me about it then i can forgive them, but if they sneak around and i catch them in the act then i leave them


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## alextyrian (May 2, 2011)

It depends. I would prefer him to be monogamous so as not to get an STI. It would help me forgive him if he were completely honest about it and hadn't hidden it from me for any significant length of time. But if he endangers my health or decides he doesn't want to be monogamous anymore, then I wouldn't be willing to take that risk. If he cheats then hopefully he'll tell me about it before we have sex again. If he does that then we can get tested and I can reassess from there. If he comes back clean, feels remorse, and continues to respect my health by continuing to be completely honest, then it wouldn't be so hard to forgive him. If he feels it could be an ongoing problem, then I would hope that he bow out until he's ready to be trustworthy. But of course it's always a risk to trust anyone.


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## Ubuntu (Jun 17, 2011)

I wouldn't ask my hypothetical SO to be monogamous to begin with.


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## Digger Blue (Dec 1, 2010)

You would obviously have no reason to marry anyone. A marriage without monogamy is basically squat.


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## Romascu (Apr 27, 2011)

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.


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## Ubuntu (Jun 17, 2011)

Digger Blue said:


> You would obviously have no reason to marry anyone. A marriage without monogamy is basically squat.


How my partner feels about me has nothing to do with how she feels about other people. Her relationship with other people and her relationship with me don't necessarily have anything to do with one another.

Dealing with romantic relationships she had with other men could be difficult although I would try to feel sympathetic happiness for her. Her having casual sex with other men wouldn't bother me at all, I've never felt sexual jealousy.


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## periculosa (Apr 3, 2010)

redmanINTP said:


> God yes! In my case, the affair happened just before my only child, a boy, turned 2. I felt guilt-ridden about him for many months after I knew I no longer felt anything for my ex. I felt like I was being selfish and letting him down. I'm not a crier but there were nights after I was separated where I'd read him bedtime poems that my father had read me when I was young and would cry because I couldn't give him the intact marriage that my parents had. I wondered whether I was being too hasty and should give things another try - I actually did "try" again after that but it was apparent that my marriage was dead.
> 
> In truth though, and I knew this in my head before I did in my heart, you can't "stay together for the kids" if you want your kids to see a healthy, cooperative, communicative, warm, loving, successful relationship. I finally accepted that, as painful as the divorce was, it was an opportunity to find someone with whom I could partner and successfully role model for my son.
> 
> ...


I just took my kids and left my husband three weeks ago. The affair he had was a symptom of what was wrong in the marriage, not the cause. He did not respect me from the beginning and the affair was the ultimate expression of this. I stayed for nearly two years after discovering the affair, partly because I did not have the money to leave, partly because I could not decide to leave because of the kids. But things got nastier and nastier on his side until it was like walking on eggshells around him all the time. The last straw was when he cursed out my thirteen year old daughter, using the F word multiple times. The week before he was yelling at my ten year old until she cried. I had to listen to "religious" people telling me how sinful I was to want to end this marriage and that I "had to stay with him for the sake of the kids." Yeah, right, what I would have been doing is to condemn my daughters to repeat my same mistakes, to accept disrespect and abuse instead of looking for love from a man. I want something better for my girls and myself.

I spent two years in depression. It's unbelievable how much better I feel now that I am away from this man.


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## jay_argh (May 27, 2011)

shadowofambivalence said:


> If they are honest with me about it then i can forgive them, but if they sneak around and i catch them in the act then i leave them


They're obviously sneaking around if it's an affair, no?

I can forgive almost anything. Actually, I probably can forgive anything. The problem is that I would know that there is not mutual interest, respect and devotion if they cheated. I would have to end this, not because I wouldn't be able to forgive (I can), but because I would sense their side of the relationship was not equal to my side in devotion. I wouldn't be able to handle that internally. To have myself invested into something like a relationship is difficult to begin with for me. To break it this way is irreparable.


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## redmanXNTP (May 17, 2011)

periculosa said:


> The affair he had was a symptom of what was wrong in the marriage, not the cause. He did not respect me from the beginning and the affair was the ultimate expression of this.


Congratulations for realizing this. It's a major step forward for you. 

I'm dating someone who, while not cheated upon by her husband, was as bad of a match as you were with your and who up and left with her two kids. We have both marveled at how closely we've been able to get to each other and communicate, such is the contrast with our respective, poorly-chosen ex's. With experience comes wisdom, if you let it. 

Don't be in a hurry to find that special person while you work through all of your guilt/grief/anger/anguish, etc., but trust me, there's someone out there that you can find who is a great match for you. Work on yourself, work on your kids, work on your new life. You'll know when you're ready to start searching. 

Congratulations for having the guts to stand up for yourself and your kids. Good luck to you.


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## blit (Dec 17, 2010)

Romascu said:


> Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.


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## Romascu (Apr 27, 2011)

Muck Fe said:


>


 Wow, the number of votes Bush got says a lot about Americans. (at least 50% of em)

Also the fact that he got elected and then some. (reelected)


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## blit (Dec 17, 2010)

Romascu said:


> Wow, the number of votes Bush got says a lot about Americans. (at least 50% of em)
> 
> Also the fact that he got elected and then some. (reelected)


 Well, if he said the quote correctly, then we might not have done it. But then....


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