# Sympathy vs Solution



## intrasearching (Jul 15, 2011)

I am confused by people who come to me with their problems, and want my sympathy rather than my solutions. My solutions are usually pretty spot on, if they'd employ them. I see providing sympathy as perhaps too passive, ineffectual and as basically giving the problem power. Sure, I see the benefit of sympathy, as it allows the person to feel supported. But this is not how my mind usually works. I am frustrated by those who come to me with their problems, only to complain to me. Have a problem? Learn about it and deal with it. This is not harsh, I see this as plainly wise and even empowering. How can I get the friends that come to me with their problems to adopt the solution-oriented mindset? Perhaps this is a difference between men and women. Easy, though, I am not belittling either. I am simply referring to the idea that in general women want sympathy whereas men want solutions. There is no doubt in my mind that there are going to be many contradictions and exceptions to this idea. However, those who come to me with their problems that want sympathy are always female. I don't exactly mind it, as I enjoy being their friend and supporting them. But I want them to learn how to help themselves. Is it worth trying, to teach my friends how to help themselves? You know... teach a person to fish, and all that...


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## Feral sheep (May 13, 2011)

solution is only half the human experience that you offer. I would not offer something though, if I did not feel it. it would be fake.

whats it like only being half alive?


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## Glenda Gnome Starr (May 12, 2011)

When I have a problem, I want both. Sympathy to start with.
"That sounds difficult."
"I understand how you feel."
Then a little discussion of the feelings.
Second: Problem solving. Here is a good transition from sympathy to problem solving. It involves dialogue, rather than the person who is helping me simply telling me how to solve my problem. Even if the other person's idea is better than my own, I still feel better if the process is a dialogue, rather than a monologue. The person who has this good idea could transition into this part of the conversation by asking: So. How do you think that we could fix this?
We start to brainstorm solutions to the problem.
After that, the other person could bring up a proposed solution, which is, of course, good.
By this time, I am ready to really listen to it. I am no longer focused on my emotions but am focused on problem solving. And chances are, I'll say: "That's a great idea. Let's go for it!"


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## Proteus (Mar 5, 2010)

Having sympathy for someone is all well and good, but when they seek to do nothing but drain your energy and beg your unconditional support and reassurance while refusing to take your own feelings or current situation into consideration and not take any steps to resolve their issues, or ignore any advice you may offer (especially in lieu of wanting to be enabled) then a line has to be drawn somewhere.


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## twoofthree (Aug 6, 2011)

I think it's more an MBTI-type thing than a gender thing.

However, the _solution_ to your issue is to understand that different people have different needs.
I tend to prefer solutions and to offer them. But I can appreciate that that's not how everyone is. 

No need for frustration, just use different tactics for different people.


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## InterAlios (Apr 28, 2011)

I can't fix a problem until I confirm that it is a problem. It's a waste of my resources to freak out over nothing. That's where sympathy comes in. 

Experience the issue - the issue hurts - am I hurt because I'm overeacting or is it a genuine threat? - confirm threat level - procede to problem solving stage.


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## LoneWolfRoaming (Aug 16, 2011)

I see it has they need both, they need a solution to fix the problem that they are having at that time and then they need sympathy to make them feel better about the problem and so they are not so emotoinal drained, also when you give sympathy they feel as though you've been there and done it before and know what to do about it. Also sometimes it's not always the problem which is the problem, sometimes they just need to be comforted.


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## ProtectorOfKittens (Oct 13, 2011)

You can't make people do anything they don't want to do.


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## Jamie.Ether (Jul 1, 2011)

Sometimes people already know the solution, they just don't have the confidence or motivation to DO it, so your words aren't helping in those areas. Sometimes people need understanding, sometimes they need a wake-up call, sometimes both. You should learn how to listen to people to see which they need.


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## teddy564339 (Jun 23, 2010)

Neurasthenia said:


> I am confused by people who come to me with their problems, and want my sympathy rather than my solutions. My solutions are usually pretty spot on, if they'd employ them. I see providing sympathy as perhaps too passive, ineffectual and as basically giving the problem power. Sure, I see the benefit of sympathy, as it allows the person to feel supported. But this is not how my mind usually works. I am frustrated by those who come to me with their problems, only to complain to me. Have a problem? Learn about it and deal with it. This is not harsh, I see this as plainly wise and even empowering.


I think part of this is a difference between the way Ns, especially NTs, approach problems compared to some other types.

ISFJs in particular, with dominant Si, often take a long time to work through our problems, preferring to take it step by step. However, because we're so detail oriented, once we finally reach our decision, we are usually very happy with it and stick to it for a long time.

So oftentimes when we have a problem, we want to work through it on our own terms and in our own time. However, because of our Fe, it often helps us more when we have people to listen to us and our problems. It's one step in our personal problem solving process.

So usually, when we want advice, we ask for it directly. If we want to talk about a problem, we usually just want someone to listen. 

I think part of the reason why is also that we feel that only we ourselves know all of the details to a situation, and that we would have to express every single little detail to someone before hearing their outside opinion.



So here's what I would say...if you honestly don't want your friends to tell you about a problem unless they're going to listen to your advice or solution about it, then tell them that. Tell them you only want to hear about it if they're willing to listen to you. 




Neurasthenia said:


> How can I get the friends that come to me with their problems to adopt the solution-oriented mindset? I don't exactly mind it, as I enjoy being their friend and supporting them. But I want them to learn how to help themselves. Is it worth trying, to teach my friends how to help themselves? You know... teach a person to fish, and all that...


I think the key thing is that you have to focus on what your friends want, not what you think is best for them. 

Now, if they're truly not happy. then I think that's something that they'll have to realize themselves. If they're truly not happy, then you could probably ask them to consider that if they focused more on finding solutions to their problems, they might be able to make themselves happier. This goes back to what I said earlier...if they consistently tell you they're not happy, and you tell them you don't want to hear about it unless they're willing to improve their situation, that may be the only thing that will make them think about solving the problem. But the key thing is that it's about what they think is best for them...you can't decide it for them.


Sometimes people are fine with the way they are and the way they deal with things...it may just be different than what works for you. If the issue is that you just don't approve of it, then I think you just have to let them be and let them work through their problems in their own way.

All of the time I just like to vent about my problems to others to get it out of my system. Once I do, I'm fine about it...particularly since most of my problems are either things I can't change or things that I'm willing to accept. But it helps me a lot to be able to blow off the steam...then I can focus on the things that I enjoy instead. 




Neurasthenia said:


> Perhaps this is a difference between men and women. Easy, though, I am not belittling either. I am simply referring to the idea that in general women want sympathy whereas men want solutions. There is no doubt in my mind that there are going to be many contradictions and exceptions to this idea. However, those who come to me with their problems that want sympathy are always female.


I agree with others, I definitely don't think this is solely a gender related issue. It may be along the T/F lines, and maybe even the S/N lines. There are probably more SF women than there are SF men, so that probably would explain why you see this more in females.


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## intrasearching (Jul 15, 2011)

I've definitely got sympathetic capabilities and I think I may have misrepresented myself. People come to me often with their problems because I do exhibit that sympathy and make them feel cared about. But I have become frustrated with a particular friend because she frequently comes to me for sympathy (because I used to be so good at giving it) and now I am frustrated that she so often laments about her problems as if they are gargantuan and as if she is a victim of them. I've been sympathetic for months and also tried to convey that taking the victim role is really a detriment to her own functioning and experience with her issues. I want to help them help themselves because I care. I just wondered if anyone had some insight into how I can help someone realize that constantly lamenting without helping themselves is not going to solve their problems. I continue to be sympathetic and I wasn't blind to the fact that one needs both sympathy and solutions because they are not generally helpful on their own in dealing with these sorts of issues. Also, I hesitated to bring up that male vs female dynamic because I was sure it would be taken as if I were unaware that it was not always the case. Perhaps it's a T/F thing (perhaps it's not!). Whatever it is, I perhaps should have left it out because I do believe that men and women should not be confined to the expectations that society thrusts upon them. We are all equally human and have equal freedoms to express ourselves in whatever way we choose. Mentioning the male/female idea was a lapse in judgement on my part.


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## intrasearching (Jul 15, 2011)

Proteus said:


> Having sympathy for someone is all well and good, but when they seek to do nothing but drain your energy and beg your unconditional support and reassurance while refusing to take your own feelings or current situation into consideration and not take any steps to resolve their issues, or ignore any advice you may offer (especially in lieu of wanting to be enabled) then a line has to be drawn somewhere.


Thank you. This is what I am speaking of, that tendency to want to be enabled.


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## The Veteran (Oct 24, 2018)

I see no point in giving sympathy without at least a solution to solve the problem. Just solve the problem and move on should be straightforward. Some people just want to drain your energy by seeking attention. 

Solution is the key not the sympathy.


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## Sidhe Draoi (Nov 25, 2016)

My issue with giving sympathy is it can give them self-pity to feed on, and then it becomes an endless cycle of them searching for reasons to pity themselves because they can get super easy affirmation and acknowledgement. People can become toxic with it.

but just acknowledging a legitimately lonely person and letting a person know that their emotions are valid seems helpful in certain circumstances. I dont think its so cut and dry.

Ive actually developed something of a fear of people seeking too much sympathy from me.
I wish I could tell the world, prove me wrong, but perhaps Ill be cured of this fear some day.

but one thing Ive noticed is that MOST people want sympathy, not advice. So if you want to please people, just hear them out, but dont enable their self-pitying behavior.
If they are constantly in crisis, maybe you can let them know as part of the advice paradigm that they are self-pitying and in a vicious cycle.

I think those excessive self-pitiers are selfish, even though they can feel like the victims to themselves.

I understand people wanting to vent, but the *whose life is worst?* game is frustrating to me. I dont think that is the point to life, and I am very saddened that there are people who prioritize always being the victims.

I do think its good to have motivation to improve yourself and to have the ability to problem-solve, and an open-mindedness to advice.

Too much problem-solving and advice can turn a person into a robot, though, so maybe its good to listen to your feelings, and reflect them onto other people just to see how you feel. but then again, I guess journalling is good for that too.

I think its important to connect to other people through sharing emotions, but I think boundaries might need to be set.


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## Powermetal101 (Sep 16, 2019)

Majority of women operate off feelings and it seems you do not know how to deal with them.


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## ReliK (Feb 24, 2019)

What I've found, looking into my own self and many others who don't always rationally approach decisions or problems, is that it's very often NOT an inability to see this obvious, reasonable solution, it's that the solution conflicts with some other deeper psychological process involving emotions, beliefs and the values we assign things.

It moves back into ego-structure, defense-mechanisms, unmet needs, and how we establish our sense of power and meaning. The problem is not really the surface problem, it's indicative of something else.. and to address that, to bring it into the light for self and other scrutiny, we must feel safe, and loved, and accepted.. sometimes unconditionally. So that's the exchange that comes up over and over... it's not really just a 'feel sorry for me knowing I'll never change' it's actually a 'accept and secure me enough that I may allow this root conflict to surface' which, may occur in your company or not, sooner or later. 

But people just don't spot that very often, they don't realize the behind the scene action taking place, because to really understand it AND find the optimal approach or response to assist in overcoming can really take considerable insight, time and effort, and it all still comes down to ones need or desire to change. You can not impose self-actualization. 

So maybe consider looking at it from that angle. Don't say 'what is the obvious solution to this problem' but ask yourself, knowing what you know about said person.. about their coping mechanisms and beliefs and fears, 'what is it that makes this hard for them? What inaccurate or destructive belief are they carrying, that prevents them from enacting the solution?'

Of course, aint nobody got time for that!


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## Cuttlefish (Aug 4, 2014)

I think.. "Sympathy vs Solution" is framed wrongly. People aren't machines that can be fixed with a manual or spare parts. We all have emotional needs, irrespective of gender or personality. Educate yourselves on emotional functioning and you will begin to learn how to respond appropriately to the many issues within your personal relationships which are rooted in feelings and emotions. Trying to resolve any kind of emotional issue with invalidation is a form of neglect and is not healthy in relationships.


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## The Veteran (Oct 24, 2018)

Cuttlefish said:


> I think.. "Sympathy vs Solution" is framed wrongly. People aren't machines that can be fixed with a manual or spare parts. We all have emotional needs, irrespective of gender or personality. Educate yourselves on emotional functioning and you will begin to learn how to respond appropriately to the many issues within your personal relationships which are rooted in feelings and emotions. Trying to resolve any kind of emotional issue with invalidation is a form of neglect and is not healthy in relationships.


Finding solutions doesn't mean you're machine or robot.

It means you have efficient ways to solve a problem. Humans are capable of solving their problems. 

Looking for sympathy is just an excuse to seek attention from others.


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## ReliK (Feb 24, 2019)

RK Respected Member said:


> Looking for sympathy is just an excuse to seek attention from others.


Well first, I think most people are looking for something closer to empathy than sympathy, if sympathy is defined as some kind of pity or sorrow for ones struggles or misfortunes. Most people I know loathe being pitied (self included) but they do wish to be understood, and to have feelings shared to some extent. Empathy is often a big part of the solution that get's too easily overlooked. It's not the whole solution of course, but it sets the stage for a solution to be better realized. People are complex, sensitive, emotional, dynamic and multi-faceted. Most of our workings are unconscious. To let certain things into the light, we must first have 1) an environment that is 'safe' or comfortable, the ego or however its getting its needs met must not feel overly threatened. But also 2) we must trust that the solution being offered really IS a solution, and it is easier to trust that a solution is a good solution, the right solution, when we know as much information as possible has been considered about the problem. Our feelings, beliefs and meanings are absolutely critical to the solution, so how can someone offer an good solution if they cant empathize enough to consider this information? Holding and displaying empathy for others is often the most efficient way to access a problem enough for it to be worked on. And the absence of it does seem rather mechanical or robotic. You are only looking at it from the most efficient way to send the info, not for it to be received, it seems.


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## 30812 (Dec 22, 2011)

Sometimes life can be too difficult too much to bear. Sympathy helps you cross that bridge but then you better come up with something and keep going not finding comfort with self-pity.

Most of them already have answers in their heart they just want validation which is fine as long as they don't expect us to say things they want to hear. We may not.


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