# Is it too much too ask from people to be nice?



## Noir (Jun 20, 2014)

I am getting frustrated. I don't know if I am hypersensitive or not, but this is getting on my nerves. 
I appreciate people that are respectful. Not necessarily kind, but respectful. By respectful I do not mean being overly-trusting of institutions, I just mean the small stuff.
I always felt like it was my duty to stand up to injustices, but it almost never goes right. For example, yesterday a bunch of ladies cut in front the line and I politely asked them why'd they cut in, and they started making a big fuss and I ended up being the guy that offends women.
Another time, I simply refrained from advancing so as to keep space for people to pass (it was an access terminal) and I got yelled at for not advancing. 
I asked for the homework on facebook and a girl was very sarcastic to me because I had commented on the post that contained it (sarcastic in a very offensive way, I am not overreacting on this). This is very annoying since she has done quite an immoral thing during the previous class (it is too long of a story).
I went to the dentist and in order to put braces, and she would put her tools on me. I politely asked her not to do that, and then her attitude towards me changed in a somewhat offensive demeanor.

I'd like to emphasize that I was very polite, and I tried keeping my tone as positive as possible and even smiled during these interactions, so as not to come across as rude. However, this tires me, as it almost never goes alright. I am feeling quite angry on the inside, and sometimes it makes me want to impose my order with an extreme iron fist (fortunately, this only remains inside of me, but it helps me unwind). Could you please help me out? What am I doing wrong? Should I simply become passive?


----------



## stiletto (Oct 26, 2013)

Giving orders is simply easier than making someone understand.

With the examples you gave, I typed out individual responses and then my Chrome crashed. 

The basic gist of it is, respect, niceness and politeness are not all interchangeable. While this ideals are something people should strive for, sometimes you can't be nice especially when someone's priority is efficiency. In my case, I'd much rather complete my own goals as soon as possible, than worry about someone else's feelings.

If I were you, I'd try not to take things too personally but I also wouldn't shrink back. Speak up if it bothers you, because god knows other people will. If it's someone on the job, you can call them out on their professionalism. Depending on how much it bothers you, you could request another dental technician. If they respond in a grumpy way, maybe ask if they had a bad day etc.


----------



## Dao (Sep 13, 2013)

I think it would serve you well to practice taking things in stride. Be honest about the magnitude of the offense: is it harming you to put dental tools on you? Is it worth an argument? Is it the end of the world if someone cuts in line?

I do not agree that giving orders is best. You cannot give orders to a fellow citizen and in my experience most people hate this even more than they hate arguments to make them understand. And giving orders to your dentist/doctor/etc.? Prepare to get blackballed.


----------



## EndsOfTheEarth (Mar 14, 2015)

People aren't nice most of the time unfortunately. Most people get about their life simply throwing tantrums as a way to get their way, pushing and shoving in a literal and metaphorical sense. I wasted 5yrs of my life in disappointment wondering why people can't just respect others and boundaries etc. I gave up. Humans are a self-centred and rude species, expecting anything else is just going to lead to disappointment and eventually misanthropy. Expect very little from others and your expectations will be fulfilled.


----------



## Roland Khan (May 10, 2009)

If enough of us could be like Dexter, but with lower standards, we could fix this problem:dry:


----------



## Schizoid (Jan 31, 2015)

Noir said:


> I am getting frustrated. I don't know if I am hypersensitive or not, but this is getting on my nerves.
> I appreciate people that are respectful. Not necessarily kind, but respectful. By respectful I do not mean being overly-trusting of institutions, I just mean the small stuff.
> I always felt like it was my duty to stand up to injustices, but it almost never goes right. For example, yesterday a bunch of ladies cut in front the line and I politely asked them why'd they cut in, and they started making a big fuss and I ended up being the guy that offends women.
> Another time, I simply refrained from advancing so as to keep space for people to pass (it was an access terminal) and I got yelled at for not advancing.
> ...


This is the reality of the world, people aren't always nice. So we shouldn't really have any expectations toward people.
I try to be a friend toward everyone without expecting that they will ever be a friend back to me in return. I am kind toward people without expecting that they will ever be kind toward me in return. I have experienced a lot of disappointment with people in the past, and this has taught me to never have expectations toward anyone, because humans are naturally selfish by nature and having expectations toward them will only end up hurting me in the end. The way others treats us says a lot about them, but the way we treat others says a lot about ourselves. Despite how others might have treated us, just continue to treat them the way we want to be treated. Although we can't always control the way others treat us, but we can control our own reaction toward their actions.


----------



## aef8234 (Feb 18, 2012)

You can't expect everyone to have the same reaction and the same amount of.. respectitude to you, that's just plain... unrealistic


----------



## ENTJudgement (Oct 6, 2013)

Noir said:


> I am getting frustrated. I don't know if I am hypersensitive or not, but this is getting on my nerves.
> I appreciate people that are respectful. Not necessarily kind, but respectful. By respectful I do not mean being overly-trusting of institutions, I just mean the small stuff.
> I always felt like it was my duty to stand up to injustices, but it almost never goes right. For example, yesterday a bunch of ladies cut in front the line and I politely asked them why'd they cut in, and they started making a big fuss and I ended up being the guy that offends women.
> Another time, I simply refrained from advancing so as to keep space for people to pass (it was an access terminal) and I got yelled at for not advancing.
> ...



Interesting, sounds like you're getting bullied by strangers. 

As someone who pretty much never gets bullied, I'll tell you what I would of done in each scenario.



> For example, yesterday a bunch of ladies cut in front the line and I politely asked them why'd they cut in, and they started making a big fuss and I ended up being the guy that offends women.


I wouldn't of cared if people cut in line but I'd cut back in front of them, 9.9 times out of 10, they don't mind since you've already let them have the spot except behind you rather than in front which pushes the problem to the guy behind you, he can deal with them.



> Another time, I simply refrained from advancing so as to keep space for people to pass (it was an access terminal) and I got yelled at for not advancing.


Many times in the city, the pedestrian lights would still be on so I wait for the pedestrians to finish crossing before committing to my left turn, MANY times, the car behind me would start honking for me to go.

When I think hes being unreasonable, I simply honk back 10x louder, roll my window down, give him the finger and start revving my V8 making his crappy pile of crap look embarrassing.



> I asked for the homework on facebook and a girl was very sarcastic to me because I had commented on the post that contained it (sarcastic in a very offensive way, I am not overreacting on this). This is very annoying since she has done quite an immoral thing during the previous class (it is too long of a story).


Okay, now I think you are a little hypersensitive if a facebook comment can set you off, I would of just have been witty and sarcastic back and make her look like a moron.



> I went to the dentist and in order to put braces, and she would put her tools on me. I politely asked her not to do that, and then her attitude towards me changed in a somewhat offensive demeanor.


How offensive? If she was really unreasonable and sets me off, I'd simply get up and just leave without paying then look for another dentist lol... But tbh I couldn't of cared less if she put her tools on me.


----------



## Lesuhlee (Feb 14, 2015)

Noir said:


> I am getting frustrated. I don't know if I am hypersensitive or not, but this is getting on my nerves.
> I appreciate people that are respectful. Not necessarily kind, but respectful. By respectful I do not mean being overly-trusting of institutions, I just mean the small stuff.
> I always felt like it was my duty to stand up to injustices, but it almost never goes right. For example, yesterday a bunch of ladies cut in front the line and I politely asked them why'd they cut in, and they started making a big fuss and I ended up being the guy that offends women.
> Another time, I simply refrained from advancing so as to keep space for people to pass (it was an access terminal) and I got yelled at for not advancing.
> ...


Pick your battles....but pick ones worth winning. Otherwise, not worth the inefficient expenditure of time and real estate in your mind. Dig?


----------



## Noir (Jun 20, 2014)

Shimmerleaf said:


> I think it would serve you well to practice taking things in stride. Be honest about the magnitude of the offense: is it harming you to put dental tools on you? Is it worth an argument? Is it the end of the world if someone cuts in line?
> 
> I do not agree that giving orders is best. You cannot give orders to a fellow citizen and in my experience most people hate this even more than they hate arguments to make them understand. And giving orders to your dentist/doctor/etc.? Prepare to get blackballed.


It doesn't matter a lot, that is precisely why I politely ask them not do it. It's not like I am trying to convert them to another religion or something. It is kind of bothering me when she is putting dental tools on my shirt; it is both unhygienic and it could potentially ruin/stain my shirt.


----------



## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

Noir said:


> I am getting frustrated. I don't know if I am hypersensitive or not, but this is getting on my nerves.
> I appreciate people that are respectful. Not necessarily kind, but respectful. By respectful I do not mean being overly-trusting of institutions, I just mean the small stuff.
> I always felt like it was my duty to stand up to injustices, but it almost never goes right. For example, yesterday a bunch of ladies cut in front the line and I politely asked them why'd they cut in, and they started making a big fuss and I ended up being the guy that offends women.
> Another time, I simply refrained from advancing so as to keep space for people to pass (it was an access terminal) and I got yelled at for not advancing.
> ...


The old point of politeness is outward. Most people I know do not appreciate it, it is a slow down. If they don't appreciate it, there's no reason to do it. Well, unless you are trying to prove something to yourself, I'm not sure why someone would be that way though.


----------



## Tezcatlipoca (Jun 6, 2014)

Your post brought this to mind. Maybe it will be useful to you:

Begin each day by telling yourself: Today I shall be meeting with interference, ingratitude, insolence, disloyalty, ill-will, and selfishness – all of them due to the offenders’ ignorance of what is good or evil. But for my part I have long perceived the nature of good and its nobility, the nature of evil and its meanness, and also the nature of the culprit himself, who is my brother (not in the physical sense, but as a fellow creature similarly endowed with reason and a share of the divine); therefore none of those things can injure me, for nobody can implicate me in what is degrading. Neither can I be angry with my brother or fall foul of him; for he and I were born to work together, like a man’s two hands, feet or eyelids, or the upper and lower rows of his teeth. To obstruct each other is against Nature’s law – and what is irritation or aversion but a form of obstruction.


----------



## Vayne (Nov 6, 2014)

People have a tendency to blame people.


----------



## Vayne (Nov 6, 2014)

Grandmaster Yoda said:


> The old point of politeness is outward. Most people I know do not appreciate it, it is a slow down. If they don't appreciate it, there's no reason to do it. Well, unless you are trying to prove something to yourself, I'm not sure why someone would be that way though.


Really, it's like trying to be nice to a jerk. Why not be jerk ? lol


----------



## Pifanjr (Aug 19, 2014)

I never seem to have this problem. I'm not sure it's because I just naturally avoid conflict or I'm just very lucky to mostly meet nice people.


----------



## AriesLilith (Jan 6, 2013)

People are not perfect, and aside of taking time to mature, sometimes they are also in some bad day or period of life that ends up driving them to be less nice even if unconsciously. Of course, some people are just plain mean, thought IMO small things can be forgivable and we don't know the story of the other person anyways.
Also, sometimes it might be misunderstanding due to cultural or personality differences. Perhaps someone got what you said wrong and thought you were mean even thought you perceive yourself to be polite. And it can happen in reverse too.

Personally I often avoid conflicts, thought I'm also more and more assertive and stand for myself or what I believe is right even if it means conflict. Of course, sometimes if I'm in a bad mood then I might be more "aggressive" or sometimes I can be at least partially wrong too. However these are also lessons for me just as it can be for others, and people can learn too.


----------



## FourLeafCloafer (Aug 5, 2014)

Noir said:


> It doesn't matter a lot, that is precisely why I politely ask them not do it. It's not like I am trying to convert them to another religion or something. It is kind of bothering me when she is putting dental tools on my shirt; it is both unhygienic and it could potentially ruin/stain my shirt.


In this kind of case, try to give them an alternative. Like instead of saying 'could you please not put your instruments on my shirt' you could ask them 'could you please put a towel or something between my shirt and your instruments.'


----------



## Dao (Sep 13, 2013)

Noir said:


> It doesn't matter a lot, that is precisely why I politely ask them not do it. It's not like I am trying to convert them to another religion or something. It is kind of bothering me when she is putting dental tools on my shirt; it is both unhygienic and it could potentially ruin/stain my shirt.


I naturally assumed that the dentist had put a bib on you. I would have a problem with putting dental tools directly on my clothes as well.

Even so, you cannot expect people to obey your wishes with a smile on.


----------



## lunagattina (Nov 7, 2014)

Yes.
It is too much to ask people to be nice.

Because they are frustrated
their wife cheats on them
their job sucks
their brother yells at them in the morning
their neighbour let the dog poo in front of their door
their daughter doesn't speak to them anymore
their life is a truble 
their favourite tv series has been deleted
their Pc broke today
their underpants are itchy today 
and their sandwich (OMG) had the crust!

People who are so unpolite are usually very frustrated. 
So, when it happens to meet some of them, think that probably their life sucks A LOT MORE than yours to make them so angry with the whole world.

Then yell back at them, because they deserve it:
"WTF! everybody have their problems, if you wife cheated on you yell at her, not at me. You asshole"
I'm saying it for them! It will help them to calm down and to understand how to direct their negative and positive energy... :wink:


----------



## Swede (Apr 2, 2013)

@Noir, a couple of thoughts:

- Do you think that this has to do with your age? I would imagine that it can be related to that. A lot of older people have a hard time being taught manners by a younger person - many think that older automatically means being right. So being wrong embarrasses them (as it should). 
Just see yourself as the better person, shrug and move on. You will never be able to revolutionize the world and change people around you, that only leads to frustration. The only one you have the power to change is yourself.

- Unfortunately, a lot of people think that being rude is some sort of display of strength and power. Many of said people are basically just bullies; they sniff out what they perceive to be 'weaker' persons and take advantage in various ways. Personally, I deal with this in 2 different ways, often depending on what kind of day I am having: 
1) roll my eyes internally and go on with my day - bullies are not worth my time, unless they are actively hurting others
b) be ice-cold-bitch rude back - usually teaches them to back the heck off. At least when it comes to me, but hopefully it'll lead them to check their own behavior (one can always dream, right?).

- I also do think that you are make a good observation about being frustrated and angry. The thing is, people are often pretty good at reading how others feel, even though you might think that you are covering it up. Most people have fairly good gut feel and intuition. This might lead to an offense-is-the-best-defense knee-jerk reaction in some of the people you interact with. Others are probably just jerks (like the FB chick - ignore and move on - she probably has her own issues to deal with and will likely grow up one day).


----------



## mrhcmll (Nov 22, 2013)

Interesting. I know how it feels to be in your shoes actually. Utterly burdened me. I felt so wronged. However, my ESTJ mom said something to me that just struck and stuck with me:

"It's like you think kindness deserves a reward."

Changed my whole mindset. It's true that some people will just not give a fuck and I had to learn that. I did think that just because I was a decent person that other people would see that, appreciate it, and be kind accordingly. After that, I just learned to let it go. 

Don't become passive. Remain polite and if the person doesn't reciprocate, take it with stride.


----------



## srysrrysry (Sep 3, 2014)

I'll tell you one tip, useful for verbal fights. If someone tries to one up you, tries to disrespect you, tries to embarrass you, or whatever, all you gotta do is look them in the eye, and say 'respect.' Like you just don't care at all.
My god, people WILL shut up. It's great if someone is talking too much. It feels pretty good to have a standard defense like that.

And for the rest, you've got to pick your battles. Sometimes people are abusive, and if they start acting up more than once and you will see them again, you have to put them in line. You might have to yell back at someone who yells at you... I've done it successfully, where the other person apologizes to me for being out of line. It's contextual though. It's probably not worth it to yell at strangers, though it might be sometimes. You'll figure it out, just don't get into any real trouble. I think that point another poster made about older people abusing their age is pretty relevant.

People will cause an accident on the highway, just to save the 2 seconds it would take to let you merge. That's worth it to them, they are rolling the dice with everyone's life. When you're dealing with jackals like these... People aren't nice, don't expect them to be. But there's something to be said for your own class and dignity. Being above such petty conflicts will make you an example for others to follow. Someone, somewhere will see your resilience and be inspired to act in accord.


----------



## Katanatsu (Apr 7, 2015)

In some cases you have here, it is the other party in fault. I mean, cutting in line is pretty rude, and being sarcastic like that is extremely rude. However, there are just some people out there who are rude and don't think about other people. There will always be those people who are selfish, no matter what you do. So, what I do is, I just don't let it bother me. I might say something like, "You cut in front of me" very calmly, but if they try to start up something, then I don't bother to continue. It'll just be endless bickering unless I know it's a battle I can win. If you want to do something more than that, then you might as well keep being a good person -- maybe even better -- so that way, the world is filled with less rude people.


----------

