# No friends at uni, is this a problem?



## 575470 (10 mo ago)

Since kindergarten, I've often been ostracised. I had a particularly difficult time in grades/years 7-9 and came to resent people, but I realise now that alongside slight misanthropy I'm just socially anxious. When I rationalise my anxiety, I realise my experiences have informed me that being around others is not nearly as rewarding as enjoying my hobbies and chilling. I imagine there is at least one person in the world whose company I'd enjoy and they mine, but I don't really want to bother holding onto the hope I may one day meet them.

I'm slightly concerned since I'm always being told I need to make friends and network with others, that it'll help me get more job opportunities and such, but I don't think I really want to. _Is it really necessary to have friends in university? _I was considering joining a sports club and getting a part-time job somewhere because then the people I'd be meeting would be more niche, but I'll need to put that off for now because I'm swamped this semester.


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## 575470 (10 mo ago)

Actually, dumb question. I'm sorry, the self-doubt was biting at me a bit, but if I'm chillin and enjoying myself, not hurting anyone, I think I can make it out alright.


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## Winter-Rose (Jul 20, 2021)

It's up to you. I had two friends for the first 2 years of studies, then they moved and I did 3 years without friends around and it wasn't that hard for me, even if sometimes I was like "how boring waiting the bus, if they were here we could talk", but at the same time, I am one who goes here and there without many problems, so during those moments I talked with random people. I needed some small entertainment for a small amount of time so it was good in this way. Sometimes I had a call. However, I think that having some people to talk with and spend some time is stimulating. You know, it can open your mind because you have contact with different points of view and lifestyle. You aren't marrying no one, you can end it when you want without many difficulties. So why not.


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## Vexus (Mar 23, 2020)

My mom is an ISFP. Her weakness is her inability to keep friends. She loves talking to new people and knowing things about people, seeing what they do and seeing what they're up to, but when it comes to you know... call back, go hang out, or do whatever else it takes to make a friendship happen, she doesn't make a move. Maybe it's the introvert part but... who knows.

I do not know if it is a trend among ISFP, but she also had a similar experience being on the outside of everyone else growing up, being unique and her own thing, not unseen but also not fully in a group.

If you maybe thought, "You know, maybe my lifelong weakness will be my inability to maintain friends and keep a group and this could affect me for my career and more," then maybe... just maybe... do the opposite and join a club, get social, even when it hurts, and put yourself out there. I know you feel you don't need it most of the time, but that's my point - that's your weakness, so counter it by knowing that if you do become more social, things will be better for you in the long run.

I will say that she did make some work connections that lasted a lifetime, so it will happen, but could it be better? Maybe. It's not necessary to have friends at a university, nor is it a problem to not have any, but it can only help.


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## islandlight (Aug 13, 2013)

The point of being at university is to study, no? When I went to university I had a small child at home, and socializing was out of the question. Others might have work obligations or spend all their time on school assignments.

In your case, you seem to prefer hobbies and chilling. I don't see a problem there.

It might seem that everyone else has friends, etc., but not everyone does.


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## SouDesuNyan (Sep 8, 2015)

If you're in STEM, people care more about what you know than who you know. It might be different for other fields. I got all of my programming jobs through random recruiters, not through people I know.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

pyueltchi said:


> Since kindergarten, I've often been ostracised. I had a particularly difficult time in grades/years 7-9 and came to resent people, but I realise now that alongside slight misanthropy I'm just socially anxious. When I rationalise my anxiety, I realise my experiences have informed me that being around others is not nearly as rewarding as enjoying my hobbies and chilling. I imagine there is at least one person in the world whose company I'd enjoy and they mine, but I don't really want to bother holding onto the hope I may one day meet them.
> 
> I'm slightly concerned since I'm always being told I need to make friends and network with others, that it'll help me get more job opportunities and such, but I don't think I really want to. _Is it really necessary to have friends in university? _I was considering joining a sports club and getting a part-time job somewhere because then the people I'd be meeting would be more niche, but I'll need to put that off for now because I'm swamped this semester.


Absolutely not, but it is far more fun if you do. It may also make it easier later on when you're in the workforce. I can't think of any job where you won't have to interact with people at some level, may as well have some idea of how it is done before you get there. Also, having even a small network of friends to count on when things get rough is really not so bad. Your priority is to study and learn, after that, you have to decide what you want to do with your time. It is entirely up to you. 


* *




I went to uni at 22 after serving 4 years in the Navy. I made a deal with myself: if I could stay on top of my workload for the semester, I could take weekends off to chase women and drink beer. For the most part, I managed to make this work (some women even let me catch them).


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## thedazzlingdexter (12 mo ago)

pyueltchi said:


> Since kindergarten, I've often been ostracised. I had a particularly difficult time in grades/years 7-9 and came to resent people, but I realise now that alongside slight misanthropy I'm just socially anxious. When I rationalise my anxiety, I realise my experiences have informed me that being around others is not nearly as rewarding as enjoying my hobbies and chilling. I imagine there is at least one person in the world whose company I'd enjoy and they mine, but I don't really want to bother holding onto the hope I may one day meet them.
> 
> I'm slightly concerned since I'm always being told I need to make friends and network with others, that it'll help me get more job opportunities and such, but I don't think I really want to. _Is it really necessary to have friends in university? _I was considering joining a sports club and getting a part-time job somewhere because then the people I'd be meeting would be more niche, but I'll need to put that off for now because I'm swamped this semester.


Are you suppose to make freinds in college?


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## Necrofantasia (Feb 26, 2014)

pyueltchi said:


> Since kindergarten, I've often been ostracised. I had a particularly difficult time in grades/years 7-9 and came to resent people, but I realise now that alongside slight misanthropy I'm just socially anxious. When I rationalise my anxiety, I realise my experiences have informed me that being around others is not nearly as rewarding as enjoying my hobbies and chilling. I imagine there is at least one person in the world whose company I'd enjoy and they mine, but I don't really want to bother holding onto the hope I may one day meet them.
> 
> I'm slightly concerned since I'm always being told I need to make friends and network with others, that it'll help me get more job opportunities and such, but I don't think I really want to. _Is it really necessary to have friends in university? _I was considering joining a sports club and getting a part-time job somewhere because then the people I'd be meeting would be more niche, but I'll need to put that off for now because I'm swamped this semester.


Ok if you don't want to don't.
But
I'd like to present a different framing to you.

You're going to spend a literal chunk of your life at university, where you have the opportunity to meet these very specific people you can only meet in this place, and during this window of time. Planet alignment level shit between you and others.
Because university is a place where people choose their path, you have that information readily available which majorly facilitates breaking the ice. And you're far more likely to find people that you have good chemistry with and don't make you want to punch them in the face 1 minute into conversation because of the function of the place.
It gets much fucking harder to meet people you can bond with after that.

tl;dr If you have to go to Italy, why not try the pizza?


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## Raminan88 (5 mo ago)

Well if youre unhappy you need a therapy i think... but if friends are your problems then you should take the opportunities to find them regardless where you are....

Friends =/= connections. Yes, you need connetions to make it big but its not just you problems plenty of people have it easy to make friends but still unable to make it big bc they dont really have connections with big influences... some of these people arent really "friends" in a way that you think what being friends mean.... if this what you want it means you want to.make a connection... a lot of these are superficial in nature ..


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## 575470 (10 mo ago)

Vexus said:


> If you maybe thought, "You know, maybe my lifelong weakness will be my inability to maintain friends and keep a group and this could affect me for my career and more," then maybe... just maybe... do the opposite and join a club, get social, even when it hurts, and put yourself out there. I know you feel you don't need it most of the time, but that's my point - that's your weakness, so counter it by knowing that if you do become more social, things will be better for you in the long run.


I think I unconsciously resigned myself to just being bad at socialising, or not really interested in others, without realising I'm probably more scared than I let myself know. I actually ended up skipping class today and I realise now that it was this fear that was eating me up and making me feel ill. I was able to speak to my mum about it and she gave some great advice. I don't want to run away anymore. I'm going to try my best.


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## 575470 (10 mo ago)

SouDesuNyan said:


> If you're in STEM, people care more about what you know than who you know. It might be different for other fields. I got all of my programming jobs through random recruiters, not through people I know.


Yea, I'm in STEM and that was sort of the impression I got. I guess the advice I've seen floating around is more targeted towards people in commerce ?


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## 575470 (10 mo ago)

thedazzlingdexter said:


> Are you suppose to make freinds in college?


Answering a question with a question ... harsh undertone but needed the reality check. Thanks !


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## 575470 (10 mo ago)

Raminan88 said:


> if this what you want it means you want to.make a connection... a lot of these are superficial in nature ..


You're right. Retrospectively, I was thinking of it in a superficial way. That would be unkind to people who actually see me as a friend, and also taxing on my energy levels.


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## thedazzlingdexter (12 mo ago)

pyueltchi said:


> Answering a question with a question ... harsh undertone but needed the reality check. Thanks !


No this was a genuine question. I'm in college and have no freinds but I also been mentally destroyed by the pandemic and watching everyone kill themselves since they are scared of what is Essentially the Flu on steriods.


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## secondpassing (Jan 13, 2018)

A social life is valuable and greatly reduces early mortality rate in seniors. Probably, it'll also reduce early mortality rate in college students.

Being able to say you can count on a friend has twice the strength of correlation to individual well-being, as compared to being unemployed or if you graduate college. (World Happiness Report 2022 Chp. 2 pg.35)

Having a good friend is valuable. Do you need to get one at university? I don't know.


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## TranscendingEnlightenment (7 mo ago)

I'd say it becomes harder to befriend people when they get older. Sure, some people are nicer than others. But you're more emotional during your youthful ages. Which makes you more likely to become emotionally attached. This is why the people usually have emotional bonds with their family members during past childhood more than anyone else.

Universities' demographic is usually people who are 18+ years old. These same people are usually busy studying while learning how to drive, get a job through skill-building, develop social networks for business opportunities, improve their charisma in professional settings, manage emotions, and remove self-esteem issues when dealing with real-world events. So, they'll be busy. So, it won't be 100% easy to befriend them.

Also, there are students who don't actively seeking new friendships because of the belief that they have enough friends.

There are students who don't have nor want friends.

Modern technologies have influenced people from younger generations to become indoorsy loners using media platforms for entertainment rather than socializing outdoors in person. So, building a friendship mostly in person has become less normal when people socialize with each other through social media platforms online. The con to this is that more people from younger generations are lacking some social skills. On top of that, social media platforms online have been weaponized by politicians to tear relationships and friendships apart. COVID-19 worsened that situation. Divorces, decreased friendships, and hostile hysteria have all increased as a result.

Also, we're in an era of bigger wars regarding America's proxy war in Ukraine while Russia, China, and other countries become increasingly hostile against the collapsing American empire. All of those political events make it harder for people to build friendships based on trust, loyalty, honesty, and compassion these days. It's not easy to make friendships when the world is heading towards World War 3 possibly.

Good luck finding a long-term friend during and after your university years.


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## 575470 (10 mo ago)

thedazzlingdexter said:


> No this was a genuine question. I'm in college and have no freinds but I also been mentally destroyed by the pandemic and watching everyone kill themselves since they are scared of what is Essentially the Flu on steriods.


My bad, I shouldn't have judged your tone. And I'm sorry to hear that, though I'm glad for your honesty. I share in your sentiment - the pandemic has been soul-crushing and there is *a lot* to mentally unpack, process and work with. I'm wishing you well. 
As for your question, hopefully the answers in this thread have been helpful. My own take from the answers and my own introspection (as of now): if you meet someone you like, go for it. If not, no worries, just stay polite. Ride on the flow of things and collect what suits you on the way.


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## 575470 (10 mo ago)

TranscendingEnlightenment said:


> Good luck finding a long-term friend during and after your university years.


Thank you. Also, I thought it was interesting how you brought up the war aspect as context. 
Technology really has changed the way we interact. Although I'm not sociable, I prefer meeting people in person and having my privacy at home, rather than being contacted online or through text. That delineation of boundary, I'm not yet sure how to work with it.


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## TranscendingEnlightenment (7 mo ago)

pyueltchi said:


> Thank you. Also, I thought it was interesting how you brought up the war aspect as context.
> Technology really has changed the way we interact. Although I'm not sociable, I prefer meeting people in person and having my privacy at home, rather than being contacted online or through text. That delineation of boundary, I'm not yet sure how to work with it.


You're welcome.

War affects people's level of friendliness. My ancestors left their former homelands because of war causing people to become cold-hearted and dishonest rather than friendly. I could have been nonexistent if it weren't for my ancestors leaving their former homelands of rising war.

At least you know what your personal preference is regarding socializing in person and having privacy. Though, I recommend Linux, a V.P.N, disposable emails, privacy-friendly software that is open source, and online media platforms that do not require your personal identity being shared via datamining. It's possible to gain online privacy and anonymity 100% while socializing online. Though, it does require tech savvy skills, money, and searching harder to find media platforms without datamining required.

But I understand if you prefer meeting people in person anyway because of my experiences. There's a different feeling when meeting people in person versus talking to them online. Getting to experience people's voices and bodies more clearly in person without dealing with lagging from internet speed issues is interesting. Hugging and dancing with people in person can build more bonding memories. So, there are missing components when only meeting people online. So, I understand why you would to meet people in person rather than online.


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