# INFJ Girl, INFP Boy, Trust and The Way Things Came To Be



## Time2Recognize (Sep 18, 2011)

Get ready for a lengthy post.

I just want to get some feedback on my situation, because I'm a little lost right now.

Some months ago, I got involved with a guy I've liked for a while and have been friends with for a year or so before hand. The problem at the time was he was seeing someone else. Long explaination short, we had sex before he broke up with her. Yes, I felt horrible for that aspect of the situation and no I don't think it was by any means the right or justified thing to do, but it's the past now and as far as that part of the story goes, there's nothing I can do about it. He eventually broke up with her at the begining of the summer and since then we have been seeing eachother. We pretty much spent every day we could of the summer together. He was working in a different state for a chunk of the summer, we talked on the phone almost every day and he came back on the weekends and that was when we spent time together. 

When he was done with work, he invited me on a family vacation for a week and we had a great time together. The last week of summer I was at his house everyday, sleeping over pretty much every night. He's my best friend, and I care about him so much. I've pretty much fallen in love which is something that scares me on many levels due to trust issues and the fear of getting hurt, but I've learned that its ok to love and even if it ends in getting hurt (often an inevitible fact) the good times we've had will be worth it. 
When it came time to leave for my first year in college, I remember saying goodbye to him, and getting up the courage to tell him I loved him. He kissed me and said he loved me too. Since then, we've been keeping in touch and trying to make the distance work by coordinating schedules and making an effort to get back to eachother and see eachother when possible. I'm about 2.5 hours away from him. We've spoke about spending winter break together and he's even mentioned to me that it would be amazing if eventually we wind up in an apartment together in the city or somewhere close to that. This is of course a loose plan because deadbolting a plan like that so far in the future isn't realistic, but we both want it at this time. 

We don't call eachother 'boyfriend/girlfriend', though familily members on both side do, because in his words, it's an elementary term for us when he feels it is so much more. He rather say we're a couple and seeing eachother which I totally understand because the connotation of 'boyfriend/girlfriend' he's come to know in life is highschool drama related shit and relationships that last two months and end. At first I didn't understand because my conceptualization of that terminology differs, but after he explained what it ment to him verses how he feels about me I understood where he was comming from and told him that words are just words, they can only breach the surface of the reality of emotions between two people. 

So that issue is not an issue any longer. But at first that put me off because I thought he was avoiding commitment, which brought up my trust issues. At any rate though, it's ultimately a settled topic now. His reason is because he feels we are so much more than the meaning he associates with bf/gf. Simply put, I can relate. 

The issue I've been having lately, which I think is in part to the distance now between us after months of being essentially attatched at the hip to eachother, is trust he's not going to meet someone else. He is starting classes and duh, will be meeting people. Even without that, last night he was telling me over the phone about how at work some people he was talking to were trying to get him to dance with this girl who was on the dance floor doing some seductive moves. He was playing off like he wasn't going to and at the end decided to go for it after everyone telling him to, then the lights turned on and he saw that she looked...different in the light, lets say. So yeah, he didn't dance with her, and yeah if he had, it would have been dancing that's it, who cares right? 

Well, I do. Because I'm prime example of how unexpected things happen when you meet someone new. I'm not saying I don't want him meeting people because that's not realistic nor fair to him in his own life, but the way he was talking was like he and I weren't even a thought in his mind and all he was interested in was checking out this seductivly dancing girl. What scares me and bends the strength of my already fragil trust is not him meeting people, or dancing with some girl, but either of those things leading to something more intimate while I'm not around and there to fufill his needs. 

I'm an INFJ, and I guess trust issues run in our mental blood but even if I wasn't I think it's a pretty fair thing to be worried about when the way he and I started off was already behind another person's back. (he made the first moves on me by the way) So what can I do when the person I love, who says they love me back, seems to be looking still. Or at least, doesn't feel they can't go meet some chick and see where things go, even though he and I are together?
When he was telling me that whole story, he doesn't know it but I was tearing on the other line. Because as he led up to the end of it all, I kept expecting him to say, "yeah so I went up to her and we started grinding" and maybe even "we exchanged numbers and she was being all flirty" or even just fucking "Score". 

It's strange because after knowing him as long as I have and being with him intimately and having long conversations about eachother and etc., when I remove myself from my fear, I don't see him as someone who would do that to me. I don't see him as the kind of person who would say such loving things to me and then turn around and do something to completely counter his own feelings as he's expressed to me. He tells me he misses me everyday, wishes I was there. I know that he's not lying because I _know_ when someone is lying, and I _know_ he's not lying because I know him as a person. He loves me, and I love him. But I'm scared out of my mind that all it will take is a cute girl he didn't expect to meet for him to forget what he and I have because it's 2.5 hours away. 

It gets to a point where when I'm alone and thinking about it, and I start to mentally strip my attatchment to him, telling myself in the long run it's better if I start breaking my feelings down now because eventually this glass ball is going to drop and shatter into a million pieces. I want to talk to him about this, I know I could and he'd accept me for how I feel and understand where I'm comming from, which is one thing I love about him. Maybe he'll set me straight and tell me I'm missunderstanding or silly for thinking he would run off with someone else because he 'loves me more than he can express with words'. But it's hard to bring it up over the phone. And I could write an e-mail and send it to him explaining what's been going on with me, but he's told me before that he rather do serious conversations one on one face to face. I agree, but I can't right now. I'm 2.5 fucking hours away with no car and a shit load of work not to mention I'm too depressed to even leave my dorm room unless I have to go to class or something. 

I don't know what to do. He's an amazing person. And maybe given what I've said it's hard for some people to see that from the other side of a computer screen, but I've seen him do great things for people he cares about, he's responsible, smart, loving, (lil forgetful but remembers the most important things), caring, and genuine. Not to mention insanely attractive and godly in bed. When we're together it's like we're one, and when we hold hands, it's like the sky could fall down on us and we'd still be standing hand in hand.

But this issue of mine is threatening everything and I hate that, but at the same time I don't feel like it's comming out of nowhere. When he talkes about any girl he hung out with it always sounds like he went on a date with a girl who turned out not to be what he wanted. He doesn't say it like that exactly, but the way he says it gives me that sort of feeling. Like he's trying to turn off my worries by saying she was this or that and he didn't like her. It just makes me worry more!


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## MatchaBlizzard (Sep 20, 2011)

I want to help, but don't take anything I say as scripture, because I'm just as likely to screw up as anyone. If you want a really good opinion I suggest talking to God about (prayer), but I don't know where you stand on that. I don't want to be pushy, just helpful, and also preface this with the statement that I don't have all the answers. That said, I will continue.

I'm an INFP guy, and I have fallen for an INFJ girl, and had a different INFJ girl fall for me... who was a good friend, but who I didn't want to be with. I also have an INFJ mother. Not to bore you you with details. Let's begin where you began.

INFPs don't tend to casually sleep around. That is something that is very important to us, as are our relationships. So, the fact that he slept with you and has stayed with you likely point to the fact that he cares very much about you. However, because of the situation in which it began (with him going out with another girl at the time), if he compromised his personal morals in that action there is a likelihood that he has beat up himself mentally as much as you have beat up yourself if not more... especially since he made the first move and he knows it. This could be a weak point in the foundation of your relationship, however that doesn't mean it's hopeless by any stretch, just a situation that if it hasn't already been dealt with/talked about (which I assume might have already come up) could present issues. Things can be repaired, if that is an issue. If he had no issue what-so-ever with cheating on his old girlfriend than I would understand your worry over him more. I assume from the way you talk about him, that this is not the case.

The fact that he considers you more than just a girlfriend is a good thing. I would venture to say that he really cares about you. That said, we INFPs do tend to romanticize things/people/ideals and are often a bit hard on ourselves in a perfectionist kind of way... which sometimes translates over to us expecting a lot out of the people closest to us too. This isn't always the case, but when it is sometimes we don't even realize it ourselves. However we also tend to be the most forgiving of the types and most of us hope for the best in any situation, unless we're really depressed. Also we tend to put the object of our affection above ourselves and try to do things for them... that they don't always even know about. We see things and think of the person we love. We may purposefully ignore a scantily clad girl, or some girl hitting on us, because they are not the person we love. These are just two small examples, but the point is that because the primary function of an INFP is Fi (Introverted Feeling) a lot of this may be built up inside of us, but not translate over to the person we love... because they aren't there to see it, or because the showing of the love is going on so internally that it's hard to pick up on how it has actually affected the world outside of us (in some cases, it hasn't). They say with an INFP that the emotion you see from us is often the tip of an iceberg, with a mountain of ice hiding below the surface of the water. There's often much more going on with our feelings of love than we know how to express... and even when we do try it doesn't always come across the way we want it to, or with the right emphasis or deepness. 

I feel I should also warn you that a surefire way to piss off most INFPs is to insist that we feel a way that we do not. Again with the deepness of our Fi (Introverted Feeling) being connected to our identity and how we interact with the world we can sometimes become defensive if people begin insisting that we feel a way that we do not, especially if we feel the exact opposite way. If people tell us to calm down for instance when we are not truly angry and we explain that we aren't angry and someone keeps arguing with us, we might very well get angry. This then of course makes the person feel they were right the whole time about us being angry, which we realize and often makes us even more frustrated. Also if you tell an INFP something like, "You don't love me." or follow that up with "Prove that you love me." you are likely to frustrate or emotionally hurt most INFPs, who are often trying to show their love to you pretty constantly. However it's also possible that they may laugh it off, if they feel you are getting all worried about nothing.

- This is gonna sound weird, but whatever. I'm gonna go ahead and apologize at this point before moving on. I'm writing this very late at night or uhm... early morning, so I don't feel I'm giving the best explanations or writing in the clearest fashion. The thoughts are rather scattered. Sorry about that. Also, I love the way you write, it's so INFJ. ex: paragraph 6 starting with "Well, I do..." -

INFPs vary. I know a few of them, oddly enough most of them are male. Since about 85% (or so) of INFPs are female, it's kind of odd. INFPs with low 'N' for example may seem somewhat oblivious to obvious things - especially about social situations, INFPs with high 'P' can be exceedingly messy, INFPs high 'N' may tend to pick up on nuances of interactions between people or individuals' emotions - sometimes acutely, those with low 'I' are sometimes mistaken for Extroverts, those with a lower 'F' are often a little more even keeled, those with a very high 'F' can sometimes forgo logic entirely for the ideal/feeling/dream, etc... You understand, I'm done with this point.
---- I've met INFPs who fall for every girl who is pretty and shares some of their values... or not. I've also met INFPs who vary rarely fall for a girl, but when they do they really do. However, I have not yet met in either of these groups an INFP who treats love casually. In some ways you're going to be the best judge of his character. You know him personally. I do usually trust INFJs' perceptions, however, I've noticed that because INFJs are right so often, and get used to being right, that when they are viewing something in the wrong light it can sometimes be hard to convince them that they are viewing it from a skewed perspective. I have no idea what light to view this in, because I don't know the guy, but I thought I'd leave that for you to think about if you want to. 
Oh yeah, and one more thing... don't be afraid. A lot of INFJs seem to be afraid of all sorts of things, but you are wonderful people with a lot to share and give. Yeah, you're gonna get hurt in life sometimes, but you'll grow and become stronger through it. Other times you're not gonna get hurt, but you have to go for it. Be careful about over-thinking. (It's a struggle for us INFPs too. Well, most of us. ;P Which can make getting an INFJ and an INFP together a long over-thought out process, or lead to issues where we over-analyze each other, lol. Sorry about that. On the other hand, I think it can be well worth the effort.) ----

You wrote:
"It's strange because after knowing him as long as I have and being with him intimately and having long conversations about eachother and etc., when I remove myself from my fear, I don't see him as someone who would do that to me. I don't see him as the kind of person who would say such loving things to me and then turn around and do something to completely counter his own feelings as he's expressed to me. He tells me he misses me everyday, wishes I was there. I know that he's not lying because I _know_ when someone is lying, and I _know_ he's not lying because I know him as a person. He loves me, and I love him. But I'm scared out of my mind that all it will take is a cute girl he didn't expect to meet for him to forget what he and I have because it's 2.5 hours away. "

You _know_... I'd trust that. Wanna know another thing? Pretty much every INFP I know absolutely sucks at long distance communication... especially the guys. We don't mean anything bad by it, and we love and miss people, but we just suck at it. We are invested where we are at with the people we are around and the situations we are in and the obligations we have where ever it is we are at. However, I also know that when we are smitten we can make ourselves contact very often. We just love talking with the people we are interested in. So, if he's contacting you everyday - "He tells me he misses me everyday, wishes I was there." - and you know he's not lying. I can rest pretty sure in telling you, he's not lying.

!!!
"It gets to a point where when I'm alone and thinking about it, and I start to mentally strip my attachment to him, telling myself in the long run it's better if I start breaking my feelings down now because eventually this glass ball is going to drop and shatter into a million pieces."
Be careful. Been there. Done that. Not worth it, unless you are sure you don't want it. It can create mental hurdles that are hard to leap. If it turns out it is something worth having, you'll be kicking yourself for this. I know you want to protect yourself, I did/do too. Let me stress though, that this is not a good idea in my experience. If they have moved on, that's one thing. Otherwise, just be very careful.
!!!

"I want to talk to him about this, I know I could and he'd accept me for how I feel and understand where I'm comming from, which is one thing I love about him. Maybe he'll set me straight and tell me I'm missunderstanding or silly for thinking he would run off with someone else because he 'loves me more than he can express with words'. But it's hard to bring it up over the phone. And I could write an e-mail and send it to him explaining what's been going on with me, but he's told me before that he rather do serious conversations one on one face to face. I agree, but I can't right now. I'm 2.5 fucking hours away with no car and a shit load of work not to mention I'm too depressed to even leave my dorm room unless I have to go to class or something. "

If you tell him you need to talk, that you really need him... he should understand. For me writing e-mails (even though I never check them, *sigh*) is easier for deep conversation than the phone, usually. This is partially because of how many visual ques I take in to read emotion and understand people's tones or the face they are putting on versus what they are really feeling. You should understand the whole picking up on people's thoughts or emotions. On the other hand, if you both have webcams, why not Skype video-chat to talk about it? It's as face to face as it gets without being in the same room. It's allows for some of the closeness, and for the visual ques of the face. Skype is a free program, if you don't have it, just download it. It works great.


"I don't know what to do. He's an amazing person. And maybe given what I've said it's hard for some people to see that from the other side of a computer screen, but I've seen him do great things for people he cares about, he's responsible, smart, loving, (lil forgetful but remembers the most important things), caring, and genuine. Not to mention insanely attractive and godly in bed. When we're together it's like we're one, and when we hold hands, it's like the sky could fall down on us and we'd still be standing hand in hand."

I believe you. I wouldn't give up on that. Talk to him. Tell him that. We love being loved... and being appreciated for our efforts to show love. We're glad to know when the things we do come through the way we hoped or even better. We also generally want to know when it didn't, although it may confuse us, because we thought in a different pattern.


"But this issue of mine is threatening everything and I hate that, but at the same time I don't feel like it's comming out of nowhere. When he talkes about any girl he hung out with it always sounds like he went on a date with a girl who turned out not to be what he wanted. He doesn't say it like that exactly, but the way he says it gives me that sort of feeling. Like he's trying to turn off my worries by saying she was this or that and he didn't like her. It just makes me worry more!"

At the risk of coming off in a way I don't want to I'm going to go ahead and say INFJs sometimes have real issues with jealousy. The ones that are in healthy places know it when they have it, but beat themselves up over it. Don't beat yourself up too much, just try to make it more realistic. A little jealousy can be flattering and kind of hot. Too much jealousy can be a red flag. A little jealousy means you're desired and appreciated by the jealous one, too much can come across as possessive. As far as that you don't feel it's coming out of nowhere, it's possible that he could be considering his options... and possibly even hating himself for doing so. A lot of an INFP's emotion goes on inside, so they may consider something, decide it was a dumb idea and never act on it, and then might even go to lengths to make sure they don't get anywhere near the offensive idea. Don't accuse, because if there's nothing it will likely just drive him further away or hurt and confuse him. I think that talking things out like you want to sounds like the best idea. Ask him about video-chatting on Skype, it's free comp to comp. It might be a good solution. I hope things go well.


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## SLeigh (Sep 13, 2011)

I think you need to clarify with him if your relationship is exclusive or not and what that means to him. Also, describe to him what it means to you. Are dates with the opposite sex off limits? Dancing? You both need to go over the boundaries of your relationship. Be honest about what you want and allow him to be honest. I get a hint of him maybe trying to get a reaction from you by talking about these girls. It's kind of a passive way of seeing how you feel about him. If you get upset then you love him. If not, you don't care because your probably doing the same thing. I used to do that to guys in my teen years lol. Talking openly about what both of you expect out of the relationship will end alot of your doubts. It sounds like you two have a very good thing going. Don't ruin it with jealousy. After you have your conversation and set your boundaries then just relax and enjoy yourself. I go by one rule now to control my jealousy/insecurity.....Don't worry until and unless you have a concrete reason to.


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## OrangeAppled (Jun 26, 2009)

You relationship started off on the wrong foot, because he violated the trust of his ex and set a precedent for himself. In order to get past this, continue reinforcing what you know about him (you say he's a good guy over all) and your positive feelings towards him. If you focus on the doubts, they will erode your feelings & the relationship. The doubt & lack of trust is often what destroys relationships which are born out of cheating, not the person cheating on their new partner.

You need to establish trust. I agree with the above to set boundaries with him. Speak up when you feel he is crossing a line. If he can't respect these boundaries or your feelings, then you will know you cannot trust him. Don't make demands of him, but let him know how you feel & what you need & ask him how he can respect & meet these. INFPs respond better to informative requests (ie. _I feel ______ and _I need ____) than direct instructions (ie. _You should ____ _or _I don't want you to _____); that way we still have freedom to do it our own way. 

Lastly, all relationships involve risk & vulnerability. There is no sure thing, and there will always be some doubt. At a certain point, you just have to accept this.


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## The Proof (Aug 5, 2009)

Time2Recognize said:


> he's responsible, caring, and genuine


no he isn't, if he was any of those things he wouldn't have cheated on his ex with you

stop trying to whitewash your conscience, he cheated with you and he's gonna cheat on you if he finds someone "better"; how do I know? because that's what happened to his ex

NF types seem great until they end up being just as wretched as everyone else, huh ? kind of a buzzkill, isn't it


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