# How can I tell if someone is really suicidal?



## suomalainen (Nov 20, 2011)

My wife has a mood disorder, and she gets depressed often. Sometimes when she gets very depressed she will say things like "I was driving home and I thought if a deer jumps in front of me that's OK." or "The only thing that keeps me from hurting myself is my son."

If I ask her flat out if she really means this, she'll almost always backtrack and say she wouldn't do anything to hurt herself.

She is seeing a psychiatrist on a regular basis, and is compliant with her medication. 

So the question is, should I get concerned when she says these things? She hasn't ever tried suicide, but of course I don't want it to get to that point. How can I tell if it's different this time?

One thing is that I'm worried about myself that I would dismiss all the signals, until it's too late.


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## Bast (Mar 23, 2011)

Yes, you should be concerned. The best rule of thumb is to take any suicidal speech/tendencies very seriously.


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## viva (Aug 13, 2010)

It is always better to take remarks like that too seriously than to not take them seriously enough.


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## ProtectorOfKittens (Oct 13, 2011)

I'm no professional, so this is just based on the people I know....

If someone talks about being suicidal but mentions that they haven't done anything because of how it would affect a child or another loved one, I take it as meaning there is little danger. The person is in a lot of pain, and they need to talk about how they're in so much pain that they want to die. But the fact that they have something motivating them to stay alive is a hopeful sign in my book. I would be more worried if someone was no longer concerned about how their death would affect their loved one(s). And I would be the most worried if they had a plan to kill themselves and the means to carry them out.

Even if there is little immediate danger, frequent depression and suicidal thoughts are a reason to be concerned. If your wife is getting very depressed despite being on meds, it is possible that the dosage or medication needs to be changed. Or there may be other factors interfering with her treatment such as a lack of sleep, poor diet, or a medical condition like hypothyroidism or sleep apnea. Ideally, treating a mood disorder should encompass all of these things to minimize a person's suffering.


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## suomalainen (Nov 20, 2011)

The problem is that her moods shift so quickly that by the time she sees the doctor, the feeling has usually passed, and I think she might even feel embarrassed to talk about it to the doctor. 

And when the moods shift, then I start to doubt myself, and feel silly, thinking that maybe I was just overreacting. A few rounds of this, and of course I won't take it seriously. It's like the boy who cried wolf. 

I have mentioned it to the psychiatrist myself, but of course I don't see him often enough to talk about this. One of the definite signs he mentioned was planning. If a person has actual plans for it. But given how quickly her moods change, I doubt that she would do much planning anyway.


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## paper lilies (Dec 6, 2011)

suomalainen said:


> The problem is that her moods shift so quickly that by the time she sees the doctor, the feeling has usually passed, and I think she might even feel embarrassed to talk about it to the doctor.
> 
> And when the moods shift, then I start to doubt myself, and feel silly, thinking that maybe I was just overreacting. A few rounds of this, and of course I won't take it seriously. It's like the boy who cried wolf.
> 
> I have mentioned it to the psychiatrist myself, but of course I don't see him often enough to talk about this. One of the definite signs he mentioned was planning. If a person has actual plans for it. But given how quickly her moods change, I doubt that she would do much planning anyway.


I have bipolar disorder- which is under the category "mood disorder" and I do go through periods of suicidal ideation and attempts. Though, for me it seems to be only a choice when I think about it. I get spontaneous impulses at certain times that I cannot control. I have been driving on the highway and had an urge to turn the car into oncoming traffic. It came completely out of no where. Luckily, my friend was sitting in the passengers seat and she turned the wheel to the shoulder of the highway and she drove us the rest of the way and back. Suicide has been a theme in my life and generally with mood disorders there's no escapism. It must be hard for a family to watch their loved one do these things but believe me, it's hard for us too. I look at them loving me so much and I just want to stop the ideation, but it controls me. Telling when someone is really suicidal is tricky business. Mood disorders make it very up and down. I may not be able to tell you signs because there have been times that I have come across so happy when I have been suicidal that if I actually kicked the bucket- no one would have seen it coming. I'm not telling that to worry you. I can tell you how to help. _Support_. Truly, the love and support that my friends and family give is amazing. _Understanding_. Building understanding of the mood disorder itself can truly help. I really appreciate it when people take the time to learn about my illness. _Proper help_. If I had not gotten the help I have received, I wouldn't be typing this right now. If her doctor isn't helping, search for someone who will, someone who has a background in mood disorders, someone who can really handle her case. Finally, don't be afraid to talk to a psychiatrist/psychologist yourself. Problems such as these can really cause stresses and fear for the other parties involved. Don't neglect yourself. I know it's easy to do during a problematic time/situation. But you can't help if you get overwhelmed, even if you desperately want to. I hope I helped shed some light on a dark topic. Good luck.


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## Mendi the ISFJ (Jul 28, 2011)

you dont... not until the worst happens. Best bet is to get her help and let her know how you feel when she makes morbid jokes. Let her know how much you would miss her if she was in an accident and if she makes a really scary statement you may have to call a shrink. A lady i met while changing my oil was telling me her life story, basically her daughters husband said "im gonna go kill myself" her daughter replied "go ahead" because she was mad at the time, maybe he said things like that too often or they were just at the end of their wits... but he killed himself by putting a bag over his head in the bathroom. She had to find him like that and now beats herself up over and over about the last conversation they had. Its not your fault if it happens. I wish you look.


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## VanVinci (Dec 11, 2011)

If it were my spouse I would try to avoid being too heavy handed about making an issue of it. Also, the shrink would have told your wife on day one that if he/she suspects that hurting herself or another is emanate then they are duty bound to have her taken into protective custody. 

The very last thing you want is for her to keep her feelings bottled up inside.

Find ways to enhance the family's quality, and especially the bond between her and your son.

Best wishes.


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## strawberryLola (Sep 19, 2010)

In general, dismissing suicidal behavior can really trigger it even more- on top of snide jokes, ridicule or bullying.

This topic reminds me of how sometimes you'll randomly run across websites where people ask for help because they really want to commit suicide, and people make insensitive remarks like "quit being a crybaby and feeling sorry for yourself. that's selfish."

Can you imagine if you feel like you are at your lowest low and someone does not acknowledge it, worse off, pretends like the person is being a nuisance? I personally have someone in my family who ended their life through suicide, and the pain they went through.

Yes- they are serious when they say it. It hurts like no other. When someone feels that way, what helps is to listen to really understand and validate it by being there.


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## .30691 (Dec 19, 2011)

I think you should always take it seriously and respond as constructively as possible. Its good that she say's it out loud and she feels ok telling you, its important to encourage that. The worst situation she could be in is if she just thought these things and bottled it up. My mum can get depressed quite often I find if she goes unusually quiet during a depression its because its gotten much worse or I haven't been responsive enough. I'm not a professional though so take this with a pinch of salt.


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## Misha (Dec 18, 2011)

suomalainen said:


> My wife has a mood disorder, and she gets depressed often. Sometimes when she gets very depressed she will say things like "I was driving home and I thought if a deer jumps in front of me that's OK." or "The only thing that keeps me from hurting myself is my son."
> 
> If I ask her flat out if she really means this, she'll almost always backtrack and say she wouldn't do anything to hurt herself.
> 
> ...



I'm really sorry to hear this, I know dealing with anyone with a suicidal tendency is living in a nightmare.

I'm not an expert on this, but one of my close friend did commit suicide. Based on the information I've gathered from his girlfriend, I would say that don't ever let them to stay outside of their home alone. There are a high percentage of suicides occurred in a hotel or a motel if the victim lives with his/her family. They also tend to walk down on their memory lane often.

They also seem to be eerie quiet and inactive of their daily activities. Perhaps the scariest thing is that most of the time they can act perfectly normal. Just try to keep them accompany with people at all times.

You have all of my sympathy and I hope nothing will happen to her.


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## Hycocritical truth teller (Aug 29, 2011)

suomalainen said:


> My wife has a mood disorder, and she gets depressed often. Sometimes when she gets very depressed she will say things like "I was driving home and I thought if a deer jumps in front of me that's OK." or *"The only thing that keeps me from hurting myself is my son."*
> 
> If I ask her flat out if she really means this, she'll almost always backtrack and say she wouldn't do anything to hurt herself.
> 
> ...


i heard smth like that from ENFJ friend
yeah well higher motives in life can get you out of depression
people say love of any kind is a best cure - gives you the type of happiness you need to continue
but its their fight
and often when you are depressed supportive things and saying you shouldn't think like that its a plenty of things in front of you - they came in and came out of your ear when you are depressed 
who would know how to help...people around usually feel trapped


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## Mav (Dec 19, 2010)

First off, it is terrible to read your predicament. 

In my experience, I have found that those who talk about it never do it and those who do it never talk about it. In short, it is often the quiet ones who commit suicide. 

However, that is not to say that you don't have a problem here. Maybe the reason why those who talk about it never do it is because they have aired their problem and people have done things to put them in a better place. I suggest that you take it seriously as this is probably a cry for some kind of help. Best of luck.


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## CoopV (Nov 6, 2011)

I believe if someone is truly suicidal they will completely isolate themselves and won't talk about it. That's why most people that are suicidal sadly commit suicide. 

From what you're telling me your mother sounds unstable and may become truly suicidal but at the moment I don't think she is. My advise is to monitor her very well and be wary of her medications since those I believe can drive someone into being truly suicidal. She sounds fragile at the moment so just be sure to monitor her and comfort her as much as possible. But again check how she's doing with the meds. Meds can really drive someone into becoming suicidal its even on the black box warnings.


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## psychswot (Dec 22, 2011)

I'm sorry your wife is going through such a difficult time, but she's lucky to have a partner like you who cares and is worried about her. Remember you're not ultimately responsible for her well-being, but there are perhaps things you can do to support her.



eros5th said:


> I believe if someone is truly suicidal they will completely isolate themselves and won't talk about it. That's why most people that are suicidal sadly commit suicide.


That is a commonly held belief that is a myth. *Genuinely* suicidal people often do call out for help first. In any case, anyone who's talking about suicide needs extra support, whether they really mean it or not.

Ask her about it seriously, and persist a little even if she initially backtracks. Tell her you're asking because you care and you want to make sure she's getting all the support she need from you and others around her (try not to make it sound like you're passing judgement on the idea that she's considering suicide - remember she must be feeling like she's in a pretty desperate situation - if she is suicidal, her guilt about feeling suicidal may be contributing to her depression so try not to sound like you're passing judgement on her feelings... it certainly sounds like you aren't). The worst that can happen is that it gets awkward because she didn't mean it. And if she did mean it, then it's a good thing you asked.

If she admits she has thought about suicide, encourage her to bring it up with her psychiatrist. You can also get an idea of how "serious" she is by asking her whether she has a plan. If she has a plan, it can also help to keep those plans relatively inaccessible (e.g. if she has thought about overdosing making sure there's not large quantities of pills in the house). A bit macabre, but there's a good body of research that shows that easy access to suicide methods increases risk. You can also ask why/when she feels suicidal, and see if there's something you can do to avoid those situations, or make sure she has people who love her around her at those times.

Again, like the rest of us, keep in mind I'm no expert, but I have had suicidal thoughts in the past, and I've done some counselling volunteering so I've encountered this a few times before... so I hope some if it helps. Maybe it's not all helpful, but I don't think any of it would hurt, and some of it may do some good. Wishing you the best!


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## CoopV (Nov 6, 2011)

psychswot said:


> I'm sorry your wife is going through such a difficult time, but she's lucky to have a partner like you who cares and is worried about her. Remember you're not ultimately responsible for her well-being, but there are perhaps things you can do to support her.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I'm basing my advice off my experiences and what professionals have told me before. Most people I know that have actually killed themselves appeared perfectly happy and normal and then one day just ended it. Whereas those that express their suicidal ideation want to continue to live and that's why they are reaching out to others. There's a difference between having suicidal ideation and actually being suicidal. I'm not saying someone contemplating it shouldn't be taken seriously at all. I think they should be addressed completely to avoid becoming suicidal. The original posters wife sounds like she wants to live otherwise she wouldn't be reaching out to him and others and seeking help.


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## psychswot (Dec 22, 2011)

eros5th said:


> I'm basing my advice off my experiences and what professionals have told me before. Most people I know that have actually killed themselves appeared perfectly happy and normal and then one day just ended it. Whereas those that express their suicidal ideation want to continue to live and that's why they are reaching out to others. There's a difference between having suicidal ideation and actually being suicidal. I'm not saying someone contemplating it shouldn't be taken seriously at all. I think they should be addressed completely to avoid becoming suicidal. The original posters wife sounds like she wants to live otherwise she wouldn't be reaching out to him and others and seeking help.


Irrespective of what the suicidal people you know may have done, my point is that he can't make assumptions about how serious his wife is. Some people commit/attempt suicide even after seeking help. Wanting help does not stand in the way of also feeling like you want to end it all. And, therefore, better to err on the side of caution. In any case, he should ask about it, listen and support. My previous advice still stands.


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## CoopV (Nov 6, 2011)

psychswot said:


> Irrespective of what the suicidal people you know may have done, my point is that he can't make assumptions about how serious his wife is. Some people commit/attempt suicide even after seeking help. Wanting help does not stand in the way of also feeling like you want to end it all. And, therefore, better to err on the side of caution. In any case, he should ask about it, listen and support. My previous advice still stands.


That's exactly what I said as well. That she should be monitored carefully while she seeks help. We're saying the same thing.


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## WindowLicker (Aug 3, 2010)

I didn't read any of the comments, but how do you know she's never tried to commit suicide before, to me it sounds like she has. But even if she hasn't there's a first time for everything and it all starts with talking about it. I mean think about it, why would she say something like that? She's trying to get attention from you and desperate help with coping with how she feels and she's reaching out to you for validation. In a way its a hopeless form of a guilt trip. But to ignore it could be the difference between life and death. 

Tell her that you hate to see her so depressed, and surprise her with something nice EVERYDAY for her to look forward to, don't 'tell' her you're going to do it and not do it though, just do it, or she probably will kill herself (seriously.) This can be as simple as a candle lit dinner with pink roses, and dinner made, something you put effort into. If she has a problem, AGREE AGREE AGREEE/APOLOGIZE!!!! I can't stress this enough. Some guy at work is a jerk, AGREE. Some lady at the grocery store cut her in line, "What a bitch." The nail technician spoke in vietnamese the whole time and she thinks he was talking about her, "Those people are just sorry that they're the ones doing your nails, and not getting their nails done honey." "I'm sorry I did "xyz" to you, I couldn't see how much it effected you, I love you." Your wife is your queen. Thats how its done. Increase her self-esteem and your problem vanishes. 

What not to do: criticize her, or her taste/choices, make her feel like she's not good enough, make her clean up after your messes, make her anything other than your #1 priority (other than her son), compliment another woman in any way (unless its martha stewart) and worst of all expect her to open up to you, then when she doesn't, have the "oh well/nevermind/I TRIED!!!" attitude.********** Do not make it seem like she's a problem to be dealt with, or a clam that refuses to open up, comfort her whenever you possibly can, and be completely selfless. My advice to take preventive measures is don't buy any family sized ibuprofin/advil/anything. Only buy under 30 capsuls, and only leave 10 in there at all times. Don't make it obvious that you're even doing this either, she's seeking control after all. 


And the term "seeking help" is a joke. Most therapists, when they find out you're suicidal, will automatically label you "borderline" and become condescending (being hot/cold) to keep self-esteem low enough so they can keep offering treatment, with the occasional spike in self-esteem to keep the business coming in, and prescribe medication. Its just too easy to manipulate someone who's vulnerable. If you want real help, ask someone who's attempted suicide before. 


Anyway I agree that she wants to live based on her cry for help, but if she doesn't get what she needs and becomes quiet, thats when she'll actually do it, which could be any day.


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## orphansparrow (Dec 10, 2011)

I agree with everyone, that when in doubt, take it seriously.

So whenever she mentions it, maybe just dig in, and tell her you want to know how serious she is. And if she's not serious, what you might do to help her feel better.

Also, my best friend is very depressed. He has had suicidal thoughts for all of the 11 years that I've known him. I am almost sure he would never do it, but he does think about it a lot. He says that sometimes it is the only thought that comforts him, though he would never do it. So even though I'm sure he won't, I still take what he says seriously, because if he feels so bad that he wants to die, he still _feels_ that way, which is bad enough to need it taken seriously....he needs help and someone to listen. If that makes sense.


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## Promethea (Aug 24, 2009)

Mav said:


> First off, it is terrible to read your predicament.
> 
> In my experience, I have found that those who talk about it never do it and those who do it never talk about it. In short, it is often the quiet ones who commit suicide.
> 
> However, that is not to say that you don't have a problem here. Maybe the reason why those who talk about it never do it is because they have aired their problem and people have done things to put them in a better place. I suggest that you take it seriously as this is probably a cry for some kind of help. Best of luck.


This is almost exactly what I was going to say.


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## ListnToo (May 20, 2011)

I have a serious question, and in no way am I trying to be controversial.

Can a person ever have a legitimate reason to want to end their life? I don't mean while suffering a painful terminal illness. Possibly If they may feel there would never be a quality of life without medications, or with medications that rob them of mental clarity?

For instance, a person may be sentenced to prison, for a crime for which they did not commit, and would rather not live without freedom. Another quality of life situation. I have another example, but would anyone say that a person should never decide when they can end their life?


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## paper lilies (Dec 6, 2011)

ListnToo said:


> I have a serious question, and in no way am I trying to be controversial.
> 
> Can a person ever have a legitimate reason to want to end their life? I don't mean while suffering a painful terminal illness. Possibly If they may feel there would never be a quality of life without medications, or with medications that rob them of mental clarity?
> 
> For instance, a person may be sentenced to prison, for a crime for which they did not commit, and would rather not live without freedom. Another quality of life situation. I have another example, but would anyone say that a person should never decide when they can end their life?


Anyone has a right to end their lives whenever they want to. That's why their life is theirs. 
We can choose to stay or go. No one can do that for us. 
Sometimes we just have to accept that a persons choice is more important than what we want.


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## ListnToo (May 20, 2011)

paper lilies said:


> Anyone has a right to end their lives whenever they want to. That's why their life is theirs.
> We can choose to stay or go. No one can do that for us.
> Sometimes we just have to accept that a persons choice is more important than what we want.


 Thank you. I believe that to be true as well. I mean no disrespect to this thread, but it did not seem to be taking the individuals decision into cosideration. If it be religious reasons to feel the need to stop someone from utilizing one of the very few true freedoms we have, that would be selfish on the part of the observer.
If someone is truly in need of some intervention for obvious reasons, that is another issue.


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## CoopV (Nov 6, 2011)

ListnToo said:


> Thank you. I believe that to be true as well. I mean no disrespect to this thread, but it did not seem to be taking the individuals decision into cosideration. If it be religious reasons to feel the need to stop someone from utilizing one of the very few true freedoms we have, that would be selfish on the part of the observer.
> If someone is truly in need of some intervention for obvious reasons, that is another issue.


I think the reason most people don't just say "well ok you have the right to kill yourself so I have no problem with it, exercise your personal freedom" is because life is the most basic thing we have. If someone chooses to quit a job, or move away, or whatever personal choice they make they can always change their mind later and change course. When you kill yourself it's done. If you regret it and want to change course you don't have that option. And most suicidal people or people who think about it later are glad they never did it. Sadly if you do kill yourself you don't have the option of changing your mind later.


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## ListnToo (May 20, 2011)

eros5th said:


> I think the reason most people don't just say "well ok you have the right to kill yourself so I have no problem with it, exercise your personal freedom" is because life is the most basic thing we have. If someone chooses to quit a job, or move away, or whatever personal choice they make they can always change their mind later and change course. When you kill yourself it's done. If you regret it and want to change course you don't have that option. And most suicidal people or people who think about it later are glad they never did it. Sadly if you do kill yourself you don't have the option of changing your mind later.


 Alright, I believe you are putting the question into selfish terms again. "Life is the most basic thing we have". I am not too sure of that. It is not basic, It is a part of the evolutionary process of to not die. It does seem that you may have a religious, or otherwise supernatural idea of what an individual can do, in their coherant state of mind. I'm not sure and mean no disrespect, but can you clarify?


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## psychswot (Dec 22, 2011)

I think this thread has gotten derailed a little. Here's my opinion on ListnToo's question anyway: sure, it is ultimately up to an individual whether or not they want to kill themselves. I'm not sure whether non-terminally ill people can make a rational choice to die... maybe it's possible in some extreme cases. However, feeling hopeless (e.g. when depressed) might make suicide seem like the only way out of a difficult situation, even when it's likely not to be. Therefore it's important that people who are considering suicide are able to get support.

Anyway, suomalainen, do you feel like you got some useful input? How are things going now?


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## PurpleTree (Nov 3, 2010)

suomalainen said:


> My wife has a mood disorder, and she gets depressed often. Sometimes when she gets very depressed she will say things like "I was driving home and I thought if a deer jumps in front of me that's OK." or "The only thing that keeps me from hurting myself is my son."
> 
> If I ask her flat out if she really means this, she'll almost always backtrack and say she wouldn't do anything to hurt herself.
> 
> ...


You can't.
I had a relative who was the same way. After living with this person for 18 years, I started to see their threats as empty and retaliated. It was then that they actually tried something.

So, in short, never take it lightly if they've started talking about it. 
Sorry and good luck.


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## Le Beau Coeur (Jan 30, 2011)

I don't know, I guess it would be different for everyone. 

My thoughts would be not eating and drinking, showering, moving, socializing, or doing anything. Just being severely depressed.


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## dizzygirl (Dec 19, 2009)

A lot of people have suicidal thoughts, most don't act on it. But the common point is they all see death as the reliever. Your wife's statements seem to be caused by some very deep sadness that I believe can be cured by you and her psychologist. If it had been a hopeless case, I think the psych would have informed you. 
I don't know if there are any sure ways to know when someone is going to kill themselves. Even if one had a plan in their head, not everyone would know about it. Maybe she had always been a sensitive person with a low emotional tolerance and so taking harsh things in her stride might not have come naturally. Talking and making her feel priceless to you at least might help.


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## jessaywhat (Sep 10, 2011)

long term signs and symptoms

anti-social behavior.
drug use and drinking.
showing hostility towards authority.
all or nothing relationships, especially in the romantic sense and showing very controlling behavior in the company of one or two people but not as much in a group, or in front of "strangers". 
no interest or awareness of "appropriate" or socially "acceptable" behavior.
excessive spiteful, passive aggressive, angry comments.
standoffish, with a dark vibe if you're good at picking up heavy vibes or mixed energy you'll generally feel uncomfortable around them. 
putting other people in danger without any consideration and taking extreme risks. driving through a busy intersection without stopping with a carful of people. 

my friends boyfriend committed suicide not to long ago, and he showed all these signs. i never felt comfortable around him because i had a very strong sense if i spent enough time with him i would be smacked with the negative karma he carried with him. little did we know. it's a sad thing, but suicidal people can be very dangerous to be around. depending on how far they have stopped caring, whether or not they have been evaluated for mental illness or are being medicated or not i'd say until they want to be treated.. best thing to do is bring it up if you feel strongly it's affecting them. after that, if they show no signs of wanting help and continual destructive behavior it's best to distance yourself.


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