# what the fuck am i supposed to do



## zomberlover (Sep 17, 2011)

Just re-read this, and sorry so long. Really it just made me feel better to get it out. No one even has to read it, I just am so confused and at a loss of what to do


My brother and I have always been extremely close. Best friends. Something outside being related, or even enjoying each others company. It could easily be said that he is the most important person to me. 

I was about 4 when he was born, and I pretty much raised him. Like I said we've always been close, but I have definitely felt responsibility for him and being his big sister. He has always known he can come to me, and I will always be there for him, no matter what the case. He is always a shoulder to lean on for me as well, and can be a beacon of comfort and hope for me at times. 

When he was younger, before he hit puberty, he was a cute little pudger. I thought it was adorable, but I know the kids at school didnt feel the same way. Once he did start to lose his "baby fat" he became very handsome and charismatic, so naturally all the girls flocked to him, and his sense of new found person came from his appearance. I think that this mixed with a very dysfunctional family life led him to drugs.

We all experiment at times and thats natural, but drugs and the friends it brought became a vice for him. He hid it extremely well, no one knew for a long time. Probably until it was too late to do any kind of real intervention. He began to lie to me and my family about everything. He also began to have huge emotional swings where he would be frantic with happiness and how much he loves us and all, then 2 days later, if we did anything wrong (especially question him in his lies) he would have a major flip out. Cussing us out, wanting us out of his life, sometimes becoming violent, although the violence was rarely directed towards us.

My family and I have had about a million talks and interventions with him, each time we feel like we had a breakthrough, just to find out two weeks later, hes doing the same things. Pretty much everyone has given up on him except for me.

Fast forward a few years later, hes nineteen now, and has been beaten in the face with a baseball bat for drugs, gone to rehab, childrens mental hospital, dropped out of school, gone to prison, been on probation, and is now awaiting a court date to find out if he will go to jail for real, like for years, over getting caught selling drugs and growing pot in my mothers house.

Just meeting him you would never guess all this, hes so sweet, caring, funny, understanding, and brilliant. Hes wasting all of it.

Our grandfather passed away almost two years ago, who we were really close to, and also a girl who he was in love with died in a car crash because she was driving high, and drove into a ditch. This sent him into a even deeper self-destructive cycle.

You would think he would get it by now. I know hes smart enough, so its like hes just being incredibly self-desructive, and theres nothing I can do about it. 

Last week was the worst thing that happened. During a drug deal (I found out later b/c he lied to me about it) The buyers pulled out guns, put them to his head, and pulled the trigger, and it jammed. Thats the only reason hes alive right now. 

Then I give him and his gf 20 bucks so they can have groceries, only to find out mom bought them 95 bucks worth of groceries the night before and gave him 60 bucks just to do whatever he wanted with it. He conned me. He lied to me again, and I probably gave him the only money I had for drugs.

I am fed up, and my heart is torn.

After all this, I found a lump in my breast, and went to the doctor, and they said its likely a cyst, but will schedule an ultrasound soon. 

I probably shouldnt have done this, but I was so hurt and angry and tired of andrew putting himself in situations where he could be dead, that I just told him I might have breast cancer, and if I do, I probably wont have long to live. He was really extremely upset, and I kinda felt bad, but at the same time I want him to know how that feels to not know if your best friend is going to be there within the next week, month, year?
Especially since he is choosing this lifestyle. It makes me so angry and sad at the same time.


This week I plan to sit down with him and tell him that its just a cyst. I know hell be ecstatic to hear that, and then I will tell him that that is how I feel every day for him. Everytime the phone rings, I think its going to be someone telling me that hes dead. I honestly dont know how I would cope if that happened. Ive tried to do everything in my ability to help him, and other than physically tying him down, theres nothing I can do.

Im in nursing school and its tough, and I cant be worrying about him every second of the day. I have to take care of myself at some point, and apparently all this effort and energy I have put into andrew over these years has been a complete waste. 

I have to tell him that as long as drugs are in his life, I cannot support that anymore. I will no longer give him money for ANYTHING, no matter what the reason is. I will not give him rides to places, and he is not allowed to come to my house and put me in danger.

Im just scared that it is going to propel him in the other direction. He is going to do what he wants regardless, Ive just always thought that maybe he would be worse than he is without all our talks and help, but Ive come to realize differently. 

Now if he dies, I will feel like its my fault. If only I had been there.....if I had been a better sister....if I had shielded him from our terrible family life better....if I had been there more....if I had been there when he died I could have stopped it, or at least died with him. He is a part of me indefinitely, and that part of me would die along with him. 

So many what ifs.....so many doubts....hurt.....scared.....angry....

what am I supposed to do......for the first time in my life I feel completely lost, and without hope.


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## WolfStar (Aug 18, 2009)

In the end you can only be responsible for your own life. His life is his own and he has to make his own choices, even if it doesn't work out for him. It is not your fault. Relax. I'm sorry so much is happening in your life at once, but just try to relax and not let everything overwhelm you at once. You can support your brother but he is his own person and as such he is the only one responsible for his actions. Not you.


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## yesiknowbut (Oct 25, 2009)

Ach, this is so painful.

I'm really sorry but the only person who can get your brother out of this is your brother. His primary relationship is with drugs, not you or anyone else. Only he can take the decision to end that relationship. You know the mantra I am sure: you didn't cause this, you can't control it, you can't cure it. There are support groups for the relatives of addicts, like Al-anon? Might be worth you getting some support there.

All you can usefully do is save yourself. So detaching is the right thing to do. Standing firm is difficult but whether you do or whether you don't will make absolutely no difference to whether he continues his downward spiral.

Tell him you love him, and close the door. If he hammers on it, open it, tell him you love him, and close the door. And so on. Love is the only thing you should give him, and it is the thing that he needs, but not what he thinks he wants.

Good luck.


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## zomberlover (Sep 17, 2011)

Thanks for yalls replies. Yeah its so difficult trying to do the right thing for both him and me. I had a pseudo-talk with him after the OP and basically we were talking about the possibility of breast cancer (which the ultrasound is tuesday btw) and how he couldnt imagine living life without me, it would be like half a life. I told him I felt the same way, and every day I had to live with the fear of getting a phonecall that he is either dead or in jail. I told him that I just couldnt support him and drugs anymore at all, that I love him and when hes ready Ill be here for him 100000% but for now I have to protect myself. 

He basically denied any involvment with drugs (other than pot-which honestly I dont think is that bad, but he shouldnt be selling it) he said not to worry that he isnt putting himself in those situations anymore. Ive heard that a million times before, but he is so convincing. I want to believe him, but I told him still I cannot give him any more money (I dont have any really) and I support him, but not him making decisions that could hurt him. I love him, of course I would be against anything that would harm him, why would I support or encourage that?

He just kinda "Yeah yeah dont worry everythings fine" and then abruptly got off the phone. Then later on I saw him and he was more affectionate than normal and told me how much he loved me. We laughed and had a good time together llike always, I just hope hes telling the truth. Time will tell.


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## yesiknowbut (Oct 25, 2009)

I'd guess he isn't telling the truth, even to himself. Addicts are good at denial.

You have to stay on your own path, whatever comes.


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## AphroditeGoneAwry (Jan 10, 2012)

Let him know you are there, that you love him unconditionally, and that you will be there if he needs you. That's really all you can do, isn't it.


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## Shale (Jan 17, 2012)

Here is the thing I have learned about those who are in a mess with drugs. Eventually they will burn all their bridges, including with family members and have their kids taken away. As much as I don't want to tell you to give up on him, you aren't doing any good by being his enabler. You did the right thing. He will have to hit bottom before he has any sense to make this life better. At that point, he will have no one and probably be homeless (or close to it.) He can either continue to live on the streets or get clean.

Only he can decide for himself how he wants to live this life. You cannot guilt yourself into feeling responsible for him. One of the biggest problems he faces is building a criminal record, and if that happens his future will be full of uncertainty (especially by way of employment, and this is the reason why drugs perpetuate .... by becoming a dealer.)

Take care of yourself. You don't need the danger he can bring to your life. If you don't give him money, it will only be a matter of time before some of your possessions go "missing." Don't think he wouldn't steal. Take precaution in that.


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## zomberlover (Sep 17, 2011)

Shale said:


> Here is the thing I have learned about those who are in a mess with drugs. Eventually they will burn all their bridges, including with family members and have their kids taken away. As much as I don't want to tell you to give up on him, you aren't doing any good by being his enabler. You did the right thing. He will have to hit bottom before he has any sense to make this life better. At that point, he will have no one and probably be homeless (or close to it.) He can either continue to live on the streets or get clean.
> 
> Only he can decide for himself how he wants to live this life. You cannot guilt yourself into feeling responsible for him. One of the biggest problems he faces is building a criminal record, and if that happens his future will be full of uncertainty (especially by way of employment, and this is the reason why drugs perpetuate .... by becoming a dealer.)
> 
> Take care of yourself. You don't need the danger he can bring to your life. If you don't give him money, it will only be a matter of time before some of your possessions go "missing." Don't think he wouldn't steal. Take precaution in that.




Yeah my moms glden necklace has been "mysteriously missing" and so forth. Once I had painkillers for back pain, and after he left my house about half of them were gone, even though he claims he has no idea. It really sucks to love someone so much that you cant trust


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## Up and Away (Mar 5, 2011)

Hello. There are some questions that would help me better understand your situation, if you don't mind. It sounds like you really want to help him, but don't know how... and I know that must be difficult... Have you asked him why he likes drugs? How does he justify taking them? Does he know he could be doing better? Does he agree with you he could use some help?


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## hu.dat (Jan 24, 2012)

Hi zomberlover,

my advice is to focus on graduating and staying focused/getting your goals and priorities accomplished first. He is no longer your main priority since he is too old and too much lost in his way. I agree with another poster in that he needs to witness rock bottom before he can learn anything meaningful. What you tried to do with the breast cancer thing was a very good attempt bc that feeling you left with him will stick to a degree, but habits are hard to break. 

Don't ever let him take advantage of you and be firm while also showing you care. the best you can do is lay out all the options for him and, realistically what his life will end up being down the road if he continues this. it's too late for you to really truly guide him because you already have too much on your plate with school and work i assume, but just show him he has lots of potential and HOW he can use it productively. you said he is 19, and he possibly can go to jail for years? well does he know what is most likely to happen to a 19 year old in jail? don't just talk to him, show him some vidoes, statistics or anything to make him FEEL it, to the point where it hits home for him. 

at 19 he's prob still immature, but you really have to show and teach him how to do things.talking to him until he's blue in the face probably won't help, he has to really get a dose of reality somehow. but then again i know you have a full plate so theres only so much you can do.


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## Thalassa (Jun 10, 2010)

We had to do a family intervention and kidnap my sister REPEATEDLY and take her to the hospital. My mother finally got a mental hygeine warrant on her, got her put into a mental hospital, and threatened to take custody of her children.

She's been clean for several years now. She went to NA religiously and took up coffee drinking like crazy, but it's better than doing cocaine and weighing 80 pounds and being a trainwreck. I'm not sure, though, that she completely appreciated her life until she was on the brink of death.

My sister has a B.S. in Biology and has a green thumb with plants, is an animal lover, as well as being the mother of three children. She is not a stupid person, but serious serious measures had to be taken with her. I almost physically fought her once, and I screamed in her boyfriend's face because although he was sober, I felt like he was enabling her by giving her money. She actually hit my mother and got into a fight with my ESFJ sister during this time period.

You can't just hope they come around and feel bad for them. You have to give them tough love if you want to save them, or protect yourself.

Also, you can't make a person change who can't see for themselves what they're losing. I think it helped that my sister has children and otherwise such a large family.


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## Thalassa (Jun 10, 2010)

Also, it is not your fault. Don't blame yourself. Don't be codependent. Doesn't help him or you.


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## zomberlover (Sep 17, 2011)

Souled In said:


> Hello. There are some questions that would help me better understand your situation, if you don't mind. It sounds like you really want to help him, but don't know how... and I know that must be difficult... Have you asked him why he likes drugs? How does he justify taking them? Does he know he could be doing better? Does he agree with you he could use some help?


 
Dont mind at all. This is the best therapy for me, to just get these feelings out. The internet is the best place for me, because I dont want to bog down family members and friends, although they are there for me when I need them. 

He likes drugs because of escapism I assume. He does suffer from anxiety and depression and has told me before that when he takes certain drugs it makes him feel normal. He also just loves to party and have fun, and I think he feels like he needs drugs to do that. 

He usually justifies taking the drugs by lying about how much he does, or telling me hes very careful and doesnt do anything that dangerous. 

When we have big talks with him, he acknowledges he could be doing better and needs to get his GED, etc. At least he has a job now, but he never holds them for very long for lack of responsibility.

There was once when he got out of rehab that he called me crying and said that he knew he needed help and he needed me to help him. He said he wanted to fly straight but couldnt do it on his own. I think once he got back in the real world, he went back to the usual line of thinking that drugs are really just not a big deal. Whenever I try to help him, he brushes it off or gets defensive. He thinks he can take care of himself.


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## dizzygirl (Dec 19, 2009)

I cannot imagine the situation you must be in. I am sorry and wish we could do more or atleast help you come up with ways to keep your brother safe. But honestly, he himself must choose to come out of it. Without his desire for a safe and good life, no-one can really push him to it.
When you sit him down and tell him about your cyst, maybe you should tell him that you can't take it anymore and that you value his life too much to watch him throw it away. Tell him that you could have died from cancer with the regret that you had lost your brother before you had lost your life and remind him that in the life he is leading, the trigger's not always going to be jammed when it's pointed at his head.
I am so very sorry for your loss for I consider it loss indeed but you cannot think this to be your fault. After all it comes down to us and what we choose to do, who we are. 
I really really hope that everything's okay and you get back the sweet, caring brother you used to have. 
I hope he opens up instead of shutting himself up and escaping reality by living on the dangerous side which he could have avoided and still might.
I really hope for your sake that it all turns out okay.


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## Jennywocky (Aug 7, 2009)

zomberlover said:


> ....Im in nursing school and its tough, and I cant be worrying about him every second of the day. I have to take care of myself at some point, and apparently all this effort and energy I have put into andrew over these years has been a complete waste.
> 
> I have to tell him that as long as drugs are in his life, I cannot support that anymore. I will no longer give him money for ANYTHING, no matter what the reason is. I will not give him rides to places, and he is not allowed to come to my house and put me in danger.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry that this relationship has become so painful for you, leaving you unsure of what to do and also that you are going to lose your brother one way or the other. I hope sharing the story and getting it all down not only is bringing you some personal comfort and granting you some support from people on this site, but also helping you to get some perspective on it since you can see it from the outside finally.

Your brother is nineteen. Old enough to be responsible for his life, even if probably he hasn't yet matured enough and garnered enough life experience to make the best decisions.... it stinks that he has allowed himself to spiral into a situation where he is so out of control of himself and that he has never chosen to do the intimidating work to extricate himself. 

The reality is that while you obviously love him, you're in a position to just be exploited by him now, even when he's not consciously doing so, and help that you give him will feed his addiction rather than nourish his soul. Addicts are just impossible to deal with, they've refused to make the good decisions early and then get locked into spiraling pits of self-destructive behavior. 

It's not your fault. It sounds you have a bent where you like to take care of people (you're in nursing school and seem to be a care provider in your relationships as well, when there are needs), but... it's not your fault. You acted out of love and good faith, and he's not respecting what you have given him. I know you want to save him (and I am speaking as the child of a lifelong alcoholic and thus as a CoA myself), but you can't; the best thing you can do for him is let him accept the responsibility for the decisions he has made so far and not provide him further opportunities to dig himself in any deeper. He always has the choice to come clean, and that is one that he needs to make for himself; and he has no impetus to do so as long as people keep trying to cushion him and providing him an out.

Meanwhile, any decision you make to draw boundaries for yourself are naturally going to lead you into the dark emotions you have described. It's okay. Those feelings, even while they are very painful, are a natural part of the grieving process. You choosing a different path with your brother is a huge deal for you, it sounds like; you have to restrain part of who you are (the giving/affirming part) and keep him out of certain areas of your life, in order to prevent him from sucking you into his mess. This hurts, and confuses you about who you are (since you're changing your role), and you are also grieving the loss of the brother you wanted to believe in as well as a possible loss of him altogether if he gets himself killed or incarcerated. There is no way around this, if you love him; it's part of the misery that comes along with addictive behavior for other family members. I'm sorry it hurts so much, but I think your instincts are right; you are not helping him out by continuing to provide him with resources that he has shown a pattern of abusing, and you are not helping yourself by letting him take advantage of you. You have a life to live as well, and need space and energy with which to do it. 

Now's a time for you to get some support for yourself and figure out what comes next. Your brother has created his own narrative and needs to be free to follow it to its own conclusion; if he doesn't have the strength and will to change what he has become, then that was his decision to not fix things, not yours. 

You can still love him, and try to encourage him to get help, etc., but it doesn't sound like you can fix things for him anymore, nor can you make him change.



zomberlover said:


> Yeah my moms glden necklace has been "mysteriously missing" and so forth. Once I had painkillers for back pain, and after he left my house about half of them were gone, even though he claims he has no idea. It really sucks to love someone so much that you cant trust


That's my experience with my dad, and I have friends whose teenage kids got into hardcore drugs (including jail time) before they reached age 20... and stuff around the house was mysteriously disappearing as well... both because they needed their "fix" and had no way to pay for it, but also because they had gotten themselves into serious crap with dealers and had to payback money they owed or suffer potential physical harm. 

Addiction sucks so bad.



zomberlover said:


> Thanks for yalls replies. Yeah its so difficult trying to do the right thing for both him and me. I had a pseudo-talk with him after the OP and basically we were talking about the possibility of breast cancer (which the ultrasound is tuesday btw) and how he couldnt imagine living life without me, it would be like half a life. I told him I felt the same way, and every day I had to live with the fear of getting a phonecall that he is either dead or in jail. I told him that I just couldnt support him and drugs anymore at all, that I love him and when hes ready Ill be here for him 100000% but for now I have to protect myself.


That was brave of you to put yourself out there emotionally. You could have dodged the conversation and just cut him out; or you could have just kept enabling him and not protecting yourself; both of those routes are easier in the short-term which is why people do them; but instead you let yourself experience pain and engaged him while still drawing boundaries. 

i think that is love.



> He basically denied any involvment with drugs (other than pot-which honestly I dont think is that bad, but he shouldnt be selling it) he said not to worry that he isnt putting himself in those situations anymore. Ive heard that a million times before, but he is so convincing. I want to believe him, but I told him still I cannot give him any more money (I dont have any really) and I support him, but not him making decisions that could hurt him. I love him, of course I would be against anything that would harm him, why would I support or encourage that?


The problem with addicts is that they lie, and sometimes convincingly. It makes it difficult to know what is true and what isn't, and our hope that they'll change makes us vulnerable to wanting to believe them.



> He just kinda "Yeah yeah dont worry everythings fine" and then abruptly got off the phone. Then later on I saw him and he was more affectionate than normal and told me how much he loved me. We laughed and had a good time together llike always, I just hope hes telling the truth. Time will tell.


He sounds more like he's avoiding it, emotionally; but he's only 19 and is facing a horrendous prolonged uphill battle to beat this thing. I hope he turns his life around too, especially if he loves you and realizes what he could lose. he's gonna need long-term support to get through this... but he's going to need it from a lot more people than you... that's too big a burden for you to carry, especially with you needing to look out for yourself, and he needs it from people he's not in a relationship with per se.


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