# Oh by the way, I have Autism. Can we talk about it?



## Fennel (Jan 11, 2017)

Especially if you have ASD or is close to someone with it. I'm really struggling right now in my 30s but it goes way way back.

People who have chatted with me here or on Discord would deny that I have ASD because of my written English ability. But the truth is I can't talk 1/10 of what I type. I've had a person with a stutter talk over me on VC, and on another chat, a person with severe Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I'm not kidding. I have ASD and a whole host of other things, those new letters that I can't keep track of, probably Sensory Processing Disorder, and some PTSD due to my experiences.

When people with ASD talk about their stims and their EIP (learning program thing), I can't help but feel so jealous because our country did not have early intervention when I was young. The mental health stigma is very bad in our country, so doctors would avoid slapping a label as much as possible. So I went to traditional school with no help at all. The would-be stims and weird mannerisms were spanked out of me as a kid by my dad. My mom also had me go to as much social activities as possible, so I wasn't able to cultivate any special interest or talent that could have helped me later in life. Ironically, doing their best for me made my life even worse in the long term and now I have to face the consequences of not having an identity and always second-guessing myself.

I read books about autism and Asperger's and I can't relate to their achievements. anyone with ASD who's gotten anywhere got there with a lot of support and therapy that I didn't have. What made me really sad was reading this book about Asperger relationships. Aspie men were getting away with not talking to their wives for hours, for instance, things that would be deal breakers even for me, but their wives love them so much and try their hardest to understand them and also they stick with these guys because they work and pay the bills and really do love their wives. But I don't think I will ever get that kind of acceptance and commitment from a partner because I can't even hold a job.

I don't fit any of the Aspie stereotypes. I'm not good with math, music, or computers. I don't want to be alone in a cave somewhere; I just want to love and be loved and I'm not meeting anyone's standards even in the autism community. I'm not a genius at anything. I don't have super memory or perfect pitch or even just some useful skill that I could work with, that I could make a living with. Not even that.

I had terrible experiences in high school, university, and colleges, but much much worse at work where I ended up working three different offices at some point because some of my colleagues quit. Through all that, my family wouldn't listen to me when I said I wanted to quit or be transferred or stop a medication because it was making me feel worse. They only listen to the experts who had failed me in the first place by not dealing with the autism early. My mom sided with my boss because he had a PhD in Psychology and I had nothing, but he wasn't my employer (I was being paid for by local government) and I wanted to be transferred because my bosses knew my diagnosis and were using it against me, piling me up with work and blaming me for any failures because I couldn't say no. I had already told my mom about my situation several times prior to them talking to her but she listened to them, not me.

Now with covid, my family can't afford to find needed speech/social skills therapy for me because face-to-face contact is not allowed. I found that I talk even less now after the trouble with work, I have nightmares where people laugh at me because I can't talk, I open my mouth and try to scream but nothing happens. I signal to my mom and try to write on anything but she wouldn't notice me. They're all just laughing at my disability.

I hate myself. I hate having autism. I'm already in my 30s, and I have a bad record so I can't be employed even if I do finish my degree. College graduates here are a dime a dozen, younger than 25, speaking English fluently and naturally like they're American. And I can't even talk to friends over Discord voice chat. My life is ruined and they're all just laughing. The world is just laughing at me because I've lost at the game of life and I don't even have the option to end it all. Just laughing at me.


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## Rainbowrama (May 30, 2018)

Hi Fennel, I am so so sorry to hear everything you’ve been through and all the hardship you’ve found along the way. It must’ve been so hard and it seems to have discouraged you into self hatred. I don’t have autism but I definitely felt as if I was cast apart from others for most of my life, and dealt with severe self esteem issues too, so in a way I think I can understand at least a bit of your experiences.
I think therapy, as soon as things get back to normal, will help you tremendously, with your speech blockage and also with realizing that you deserve love and acceptance just like anyone else.
The biggest blockage here might be self esteem. As soon as you realize your worth I believe many aspects of your life can improve so much.


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## Fennel (Jan 11, 2017)

Rainbowrama said:


> Hi Fennel, I am so so sorry to hear everything you’ve been through and all the hardship you’ve found along the way. It must’ve been so hard and it seems to have discouraged you into self hatred. I don’t have autism but I definitely felt as if I was cast apart from others for most of my life, and dealt with severe self esteem issues too, so in a way I think I can understand at least a bit of your experiences.
> I think therapy, as soon as things get back to normal, will help you tremendously, with your speech blockage and also with realizing that you deserve love and acceptance just like anyone else.
> The biggest blockage here might be self esteem. As soon as you realize your worth I believe many aspects of your life can improve so much.


Thank you for listening and responding. 99.9% of my life I feel I have no voice, so it means a lot to me.


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## Purrfessor (Jul 30, 2013)

_disintegration

type 4

It looks like 2 but in a bad way 

cure? 

integrate _

toward 1


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## Rainbowrama (May 30, 2018)

Hi Fennel, I am so so sorry to hear everything you’ve been through and all the hardship you’ve found along the way. It must’ve been so hard and it seems to have discouraged you into self hatred. I don’t have autism but I definitely felt as if I was cast apart from others for most of my life, and dealt with severe self esteem issues too, so in a way I think I can understand at least a bit of your experiences.
I think therapy, as soon as things get back to normal, will help you tremendously, with your speech blockage and also with realizing that you deserve love and acceptance just like anyone else.
The biggest blockage here might be self esteem. As soon as you realize your worth I believemany aspects of your life can improve so much.


Fennel said:


> Thank you for listening and responding. 99.9% of my life I feel I have no voice, so it means a lot to me.


You are so welcome 🙂 But do you mean that metaphorically or literally? Or maybe both?


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## Fennel (Jan 11, 2017)

Purrfessor said:


> _disintegration
> 
> type 4
> 
> ...


Thanks, but I'm not interested in perfection.


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## Fennel (Jan 11, 2017)

Rainbowrama said:


> You are so welcome 🙂 But do you mean that metaphorically or literally? Or maybe both?


Mostly metaphorically, but increasingly both as time goes on.


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## Rainbowrama (May 30, 2018)

Ah, I see. Feeling unheard and unseen, boy, does it suck.


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## Rainbowrama (May 30, 2018)

Out of context, are the things on your signature true? The makeup phobia...


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## Fennel (Jan 11, 2017)

Rainbowrama said:


> Out of context, are the things on your signature true? The makeup phobia...


Not a phobia but i'm not fond of it


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## Rainbowrama (May 30, 2018)

Fennel said:


> Not a phobia but i'm not fond of it


I see lol. I am affected by the uncanny valley so I thought it could be related 😂


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## Purrfessor (Jul 30, 2013)

Fennel said:


> Thanks, but I'm not interested in perfection.


Perfection is the trap of 1. Something to look at when you are disintegrating. While integrating look at the virtue. Serenity.


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## Fennel (Jan 11, 2017)

Purrfessor said:


> Perfection is the trap of 1. Something to look at when you are disintegrating. While integrating look at the virtue. Serenity.


Not interested. I can't relate to that at all and it isn't my goal either.


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## Rainbowrama (May 30, 2018)

Do you have a therapist right now? You seem like you need a trusted one in order to talk about those things. You sound hopeless and that last line had me worried a bit, if you ever get very dark thoughts please talk to someone able to help..


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## Purrfessor (Jul 30, 2013)

Fennel said:


> Not interested. I can't relate to that at all and it isn't my goal either.


Not interested in being calm, peaceful , and untroubled? Who are you


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## Rainbowrama (May 30, 2018)

Purrfessor said:


> Not interested in being calm, peaceful , and untroubled? Who are you


I can only guess, but I think what he means is that it’s not a problem related to integrating into 1, but mostly an inner turmoil caused by many factors.


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## Purrfessor (Jul 30, 2013)

Rainbowrama said:


> I can only guess, but I think what he means is that it’s not a problem related to integrating into 1, but mostly an inner turmoil caused by many factors.


Or an inner turmoil caused by disintegrating to 2. I mean if the problem is disintegration the solution is integration.

Of course there are other factors contributing toward a negative headspace but those negative factors don't have positive factors waiting on the other side of a pendulum swing.


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## Rainbowrama (May 30, 2018)

Purrfessor said:


> Or an inner turmoil caused by disintegrating to 2. I mean if the problem is disintegration the solution is integration.
> 
> Of course there are other factors contributing toward a negative headspace but those negative factors don't have positive factors waiting on the other side of a pendulum swi





Purrfessor said:


> Or an inner turmoil caused by disintegrating to 2. I mean if the problem is disintegration the solution is integration.
> 
> Of course there are other factors contributing toward a negative headspace but those negative factors don't have positive factors waiting on the other side of a pendulum swing.


I see what you mean, but this is a broader concept. It is just my opinion, of course and I respect yours, but in order to integrate you have to elaborate and try to understand what stands in the way of achieving peace of mind. Talking about those specific things that are an issue.


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## Rainbowrama (May 30, 2018)

Fennel, I must stress you are in need of professional help dear. I know how is like to feel hopeless, it’s a dangerous place to be. Please do get help from someone who’s competent. Here at the forums we will be here for you if you need to vent or figure things out, but our support is so limited to what I think you need right now. I can’t fully understand all you’ve been through because I didn’t live your life, but I feel your pain buddy. I hope you will be fine, look after yourself because, you might no see it, but you matter.


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## Fennel (Jan 11, 2017)

One at a time, guys... and I'm a girl.



Rainbowrama said:


> Do you have a therapist right now? You seem like you need a trusted one in order to talk about those things. You sound hopeless and that last line had me worried a bit, if you ever get very dark thoughts please talk to someone able to help..


Yes, a duo of psychologist and psychiatrist. I don't trust them anymore because they gave me medications that made me have serious weight gain without even helping with the depression and anxiety. I can never trust them again after that. As soon as I started on my diet and exercise routine to reverse the effects of the antidepressant and antipsychotic (both had weight gain had side effects and I'm visibly obese - it was unethical to give me those meds from the start), my allergies and asthma worsened to the point where I could hardly breathe or walk around. I attended online classes lying down because I couldn't carry my own weight. So I cut my meds in half and begged my mom to buy me asthma meds. I've also been taking twice as much sleep meds as before.

There are no experts on Asperger's Syndrome in our country, and in fact, even the speech/social skills expert is not based in our country anymore. 

I cannot stress this enough, and my psychologist, who arguably the best in the country had already admitted it: THERE ARE NO EXPERTS ON ADULT ASD IN THE PHILIPPINES. In fact, her wish for me is to leave the country as quickly as I can and find help specific to my condition there. BUT WE DO NOT HAVE THE MONEY TO SEND ME TO A FIRST WORLD COUNTRY FOR TREATMENT AND THERAPY.



Purrfessor said:


> Not interested in being calm, peaceful , and untroubled? Who are you


I did not start this thread to discuss enneagram, mine or anyone else's. And I prefer to be in a loving, though rocky, relationship with another human being than all that calm and peaceful stuff. If I wanted to be content with being alone then communication with other people wouldn't be such an issue to me.


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