# How to deal with someone who insults you in a nonchalant way?



## Gossip Goat (Nov 19, 2013)

My sister constantly says things that are offensive but says it in a way that can or can't be directly linked to an offence. For example she goes may say something like _X item of clothing is disgusting...it sort of looks like you._ That could be interpreted in many ways, it could mean my taste in things or my actual person. Either way its a rude thing to say. She does this in MANY other ways and I'm really irritated at it and don't know how to handle this. I usually just stay quiet because it's always so unexpected, its never after a fight or anything. It's out of the blue. I'm just left speechless. 

Advice and witty comebacks are encouraged as well.


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## Nyanpichu (Jun 5, 2014)

Light their posessions on fire


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## Gossip Goat (Nov 19, 2013)

Nyanpichu said:


> Light their posessions on fire


I like your way of thinking, nonetheless I'll have to decline using this method.


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## Lemxn (Aug 17, 2013)

That for you isn't directly? For me it is, when she added the word "you" in the sentence. I would totally be honest with her and say I am tired of her comments, etc. She keeps going because you stay quiet.

I also believe if next time you defend yourself she will be the surprised one. Say it with determination and respect, she won't do it again.


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## Death Persuades (Feb 17, 2012)

Nonchalantly ignore her.


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## Gossip Goat (Nov 19, 2013)

Lemxn said:


> That for you isn't directly? For me it is, when she added the word "you" in the sentence. I would totally be honest with her and say I am tired of her comments, etc. She keeps going because you stay quiet.
> 
> I also believe if next time you defend yourself she will be the surprised one. Say it with determination and respect, she won't do it again.


To me it seemed indirect because she says it so like normal and didn't say anything like "Its disgusting just like you are" To me saying, _it kinda looks like you_ could imply taste wise and still have a hidden meaning of it being in regards to me. (Nonetheless its still rude, and I should have said something _I just dont know what_) Plus her tone is like so normal, I guess its like passive but it still holds evil intent, so to speak. 

And now come to think of it, she could have hard feelings because yesterday I told my mom her boyfriend told our brother he did not want him to ride with them in the car, and my mom asked her about it and she came to me sort of upset and angry about it.

If I said, I was tired of her comments. She would not take me seriously and would sort of ridicule me. Because she does things in a well thought out, calculating way. She does it so what she says has a double meaning. 

Part of me wants to stoop to her level and say something mean to her, in the same nonchalant, you-can't-really-link-me-to-a-crime way.


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## Gossip Goat (Nov 19, 2013)

Diligent Procrastinator said:


> Nonchalantly ignore her.


I ignored her comment and pretended I didnt hear; sadly I did, and it's eating me up alive. I sort of want people to suggest witty comebacks (or what they would say) because I feel that way she'd know I'm not taking it any more. Sort of like verbal slaps.


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## Death Persuades (Feb 17, 2012)

Gossip Goat said:


> I ignored her comment and pretended I didnt hear; sadly I did, and it's eating me up alive. I sort of want people to suggest witty comebacks (or what they would say) because I feel that way she'd know I'm not taking it any more. Sort of like verbal slaps.


How about you tell her "I'm not going to take this anymore."?


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## IIIIII (Oct 2, 2013)

Gossip Goat said:


> My sister constantly says things that are offensive but says it in a way that can or can't be directly linked to an offence. For example she goes may say something like _X item of clothing is disgusting...it sort of looks like you._ That could be interpreted in many ways, it could mean my taste in things or my actual person. Either way its a rude thing to say. She does this in MANY other ways and I'm really irritated at it and don't know how to handle this. I usually just stay quiet because it's always so unexpected, its never after a fight or anything. It's out of the blue. I'm just left speechless.
> 
> Advice and witty comebacks are encouraged as well.


There is a term for this, its called sniping, a person will not directly insult you, but will do it in a round about way at critical moments to try and sabotage your self esteem and self worth. Then if you ask them about it they will deny that they did any thing wrong saying they did not mean it that way.

I had one in my life at one point and time, ignoring them did not work and it just made me angrier because I knew what they were doing and had to repress how I was feeling, calling them on it did not work because they will deny it and continue to do it anyways. They end solution for me was to cut them out of my life completely. The guy was in his mid 20s and still throwing temper tantrums in public and acting out like a two year old. I had to accept that this person was not going to change and do the one thing that I could do which was change myself. I think you have better things to do then trying to figure out how to beat a jerk at their own game. Don't become the thing you hate. I think cutting them is the best solution because they have to reflect on the fact what they did caused this situation, and the reason why you want nothing to do with them anymore.

The caveat to this is that you have to tell directly why you are cutting them off, and not accept an apology from them or acknowledge their feelings at all, this all about you and restoring balance to your life.


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## the_natrix (Aug 10, 2011)

I'd start with "screw you", then see where that goes.


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## Gossip Goat (Nov 19, 2013)

Diligent Procrastinator said:


> How about you tell her "I'm not going to take this anymore."?


She'd laugh.


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## Gossip Goat (Nov 19, 2013)

the_natrix said:


> I'd start with "screw you", then see where that goes.


That's baby talk to her, she's actually stopped using some curse words because she thinks they're not strong enough.


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## The Hungry One (Jan 26, 2011)

Option 1: Ignore until she gets bored. 

Option 2: Argue, release pent-up stress, and escalate. 

Option 3: Tell her that was hurtful and ask her if everything is okay. 

Pick option as mood suits. Life is short. Consequences are temporary. Usually.


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## Gossip Goat (Nov 19, 2013)

IIIIII said:


> There is a term for this, its called sniping, a person will not directly insult you, but will do it in a round about way at critical moments to try and sabotage your self esteem and self worth. Then if you ask them about it they will deny that they did any thing wrong saying they did not mean it that way.
> 
> I had one in my life at one point and time, ignoring them did not work and it just made me angrier because I knew what they were doing and had to repress how I was feeling, calling them on it did not work because they will deny it and continue to do it anyways. They end solution for me was to cut them out of my life completely. The guy was in his mid 20s and still throwing temper tantrums in public and acting out like a two year old. I had to accept that this person was not going to change and do the one thing that I could do which was change myself. I think you have better things to do then trying to figure out how to beat a jerk at their own game. Don't become the thing you hate. I think cutting them is the best solution because they have to reflect on the fact what they did caused this situation, and the reason why you want nothing to do with them anymore.
> 
> The caveat to this is that you have to tell directly why you are cutting them off, and not accept an apology from them or acknowledge their feelings at all, this all about you and restoring balance to your life.


Thanks for giving it a name. I can't cut them off of my life because I live with them and sometimes need their help with things.


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## abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxy (Dec 25, 2014)

The right question is not "which are the most witty comebacks", because you aint going to memorize words. The right answer is that you have to change your mentality, once you do, answers will come from your mouth easily and do it's effect.

Why is she doing it? - It could be jealousy, attention seeking,...etc. + You shouldn't really care. And when I mean you shouldn't care, I mean really, DON'T FUCKING CARE. Do not pretend like you don't care.

Once you don't care and know why is she doing it, you could either counter-attack and fuck around with her (which I find it amusing) or tell her in a direct way, being calm, always, "_I understand you completly, but I'd appreciate if you wouldn't make those rude comments._

Let us know, how this turns out. Good luck.


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## Gossip Goat (Nov 19, 2013)

The Hungry One said:


> Option 1: Ignore until she gets bored.
> 
> Option 2: Argue, release pent-up stress, and escalate.
> 
> ...


Option dos seems good (but she's VERY good at arguments, so nah), I could use option 3 but add sarcasm. So far no one has given me a real good comeback, something to symbolically burn her with.


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## Gossip Goat (Nov 19, 2013)

abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxy said:


> The right question is not "which are the most witty comebacks", because you aint going to memorize words. The right answer is that you have to change your mentality, once you do, answers will come from your mouth easily and do it's effect.
> 
> Why is she doing it? - It could be jealousy, attention seeking,...etc. + You shouldn't really care. And when I mean you shouldn't care, I mean really, DON'T FUCKING CARE. Do not pretend like you don't care.
> 
> ...


I think she's doing it out of revenge, plus I think she's always trying to see things as a competition. Once she and I were in a fight regarding a particular killer and I told her I didn't hate him because I knew he probably had a mental disorder and I felt sorry for both him and the victims. She told me that she did hate him and that hate fulled the world and people like that deserve nothing but hate and misery. And I could not feel sorry for both parties, she told me my mentality was stupid and I only had a fixation for "broken little boys" (Once again I ignored this comment). You might suggest I take on the same mentality with her, but its an ongoing, never ending thing with her and I.


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## The Hungry One (Jan 26, 2011)

Gossip Goat said:


> Option dos seems good (but she's VERY good at arguments, so nah), I could use option 3 but add sarcasm. So far no one has given me a real good comeback, something to symbolically burn her with.


Usually the really sick burns come out of knowing the person well enough to know what they are self-conscious about. But guilty conscience may result. :<


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## Gossip Goat (Nov 19, 2013)

The Hungry One said:


> Usually the really sick burns come out of knowing the person well enough to know what they are self-conscious about. But guilty conscience may result. :<


I guess I could work with that, I do know this person well enough. Whatever I do wouldn't be enough to make me feel guilty nor would it hurt her in a way she would cry, just annoy .


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## The Hungry One (Jan 26, 2011)

Gossip Goat said:


> I guess I could work with that, I do know this person well enough. Whatever I do wouldn't be enough to make me feel guilty nor would it hurt her in a way she would cry, just annoy .


I wonder what her MBTI is. That might help figure out how to get along with her.


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## Gossip Goat (Nov 19, 2013)

The Hungry One said:


> I wonder what her MBTI is. That might help figure out how to get along with her.


I've asked her to take the test and she won't. With my limited knowledge of mbti, I typed her as IxTx, maybe IxTP. I could be biased though.


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## TheProphetLaLa (Aug 18, 2014)

Aaaaa my personal favorite aka I hate this shit. Honestly, if the direct honesty approach doesn't work then I'd say you have two options : A) Cut the bitch out of your life like the disgustingly long toenail that she is. B) Start volleying grenades back her way. Basically start fighting fire with fire. Does this work? Sometimes yes. People that "snipe" don't really want to fight per say, which is why they're "sniping" in the first place. Once they start getting stung they may back off. Good luck my young sniper. May you snipe true.


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## the_natrix (Aug 10, 2011)

Gossip Goat said:


> I think she's doing it out of revenge, plus I think she's always trying to see things as a competition.


Revenge for what?


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## Gossip Goat (Nov 19, 2013)

the_natrix said:


> Revenge for what?


I told my mom her boyfriend said our brother could not ride with them in the car, which is kind of rude. Our car has no air conditioner and I have a suspicion he finds my brother annoying (not because of his personality but bc my brother has something, its not retardation or a learning disability, we don't know yet but many people find him annoying because of that, thus why i said something and why my mom asked my sister about it). My mom asked my sister about it and she came to me about it upset and angry telling me it was a joke.


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## aendern (Dec 28, 2013)

Tell her to step off or you'll cut a bitch


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## Gossip Goat (Nov 19, 2013)

emberfly said:


> Tell her to step off or you'll cut a bitch


She'd tell me I'm being animalistic, even if I'm obviously joking. She has to have the last word and make SURE that last word is something insulting. She can't be put down. I'm dealing with a first class asshole here.


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## FearAndTrembling (Jun 5, 2013)

Tell her that she is weak. That every time she makes a comment, it will be considered a baby's cry. 

Also, don't talk shit behind your sister's back to your mother. I hated when my sister did that. lol.


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## aendern (Dec 28, 2013)

Gossip Goat said:


> She'd tell me I'm being animalistic, even if I'm obviously joking. She has to have the last word and make SURE that last word is something insulting. She can't be put down. I'm dealing with a first class asshole here.


She clearly has a bunch of issues that she's projecting onto you. Maybe she has low self-esteem. 

I don't know how to deal with people like that. Fortunately or unfortunately, I've never had to deal with it before. What _I_ would probably do is just ignore them because I'm pretty good at that. And I would spend as little time around them as possible.

If that didn't work, I would then proceed to kill them with kindness. Every time they said something negative about me, I would compliment them.

I know this works because it has been used against me. And it's just fucking impossible to be mean to someone who is being nice to you.

At least for me it's impossible.


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## Gossip Goat (Nov 19, 2013)

FearAndTrembling said:


> Tell her that she is weak. That every time she makes a comment, it will be considered a baby's cry.


 lulz, I like it.



> Also, don't talk shit behind your sister's back to your mother. I hated when my sister did that. lol.


I told what her boyfriend said.


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## Gossip Goat (Nov 19, 2013)

emberfly said:


> *She clearly has a bunch of issues that she's projecting onto you. Maybe she has low self-esteem.*


I will use this to compile a response for next time.


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## Nyanpichu (Jun 5, 2014)

What if you stop gossiping about her man you gossip goat


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## the_natrix (Aug 10, 2011)

Gossip Goat said:


> *I told my mom her boyfriend said our brother could not ride with them in the car, which is kind of rude.* Our car has no air conditioner and I have a suspicion he finds my brother annoying (not because of his personality but bc my brother has something, its not retardation or a learning disability, we don't know yet but many people find him annoying because of that, thus why i said something and why my mom asked my sister about it). *My mom asked my sister about it and she came to me about it upset and angry telling me it was a joke.*


I'm not sure, so did he actually say that or was it a lie? If you lied I'd be pissed too with some grudge time, an apology might shorten grudge time. If he did say it but it was a joke that wouldn't be as bad, but you'd still be in the doghouse for ruining the boyfriends image. 

If you think that's why she's annoying you I'd go with "please stop that, I'm sorry about xyz" or a similar setup.


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## Gossip Goat (Nov 19, 2013)

the_natrix said:


> I'm not sure, so did he actually say that or was it a lie? If you lied I'd be pissed too with some grudge time, an apology might shorten grudge time. If he did say it but it was a joke that wouldn't be as bad, but you'd still be in the doghouse for ruining the boyfriends image.
> 
> If you think that's why she's annoying you I'd go with "please stop that, I'm sorry about xyz" or a similar setup.


I didn't lie, I don't know how you got that idea. I didn't think it was a joke, I was there when he said it. My sister would defend him regardless of anything he did or said (and he HAS said things about everyone in my family including me that are very offensive, she still defends him.) He told her that he was going to a party with another girl (their relationship is monogamous and she is his gf) and did not invite her first and he said this in front of my mom and my mom got angry and my sister defended him regardless, she used the excuse "he knows how busy I am" yet he comes over even when she's tired and has alot to study for. 

I don't like it when my brother is treated unfairly because of what he has and I would never not call someone out on something they did to him just because they are my sisters boyfriend.

I wouldn't apologize because a) I don't see the need to and b) she wouldn't apologize for her behaviour.

Telling her to stop saying those things will not make her stop btw.


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## Gossip Goat (Nov 19, 2013)

She did it AGAIN; she just came up to me and said: A(her boyfriend) got me ugly shirts, you might like them though. I told her wow, what you just did, say something is bad/ugly and say it reminds you of someone or they might like it is called snipping. And she laughed and said "well they're your style, you know I don't like it". She knows what she's doing. I don't care if she doesnt like my style but she's being mean and insulting me and my taste by saying its disgusting/ugly.

And it doesn't always happen with taste, sometimes its like "My X (body part) is better than yours because X.Y,Z; yours just looks so A,B,C". Anything she can compare us with, she throws in something like that. She's doing this recently too, so she might have seen someone doing this to someone else. Variations of this behaviour have always been present but this particular format is new.


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## IIIIII (Oct 2, 2013)

Gossip Goat said:


> She did it AGAIN; she just came up to me and said: A(her boyfriend) got me ugly shirts, you might like them though. I told her wow, what you just did, say something is bad/ugly and say it reminds you of someone or they might like it is called snipping. And she laughed and said "well they're your style, you know I don't like it". She knows what she's doing. I don't care if she doesnt like my style but she's being mean and insulting me and my taste by saying its disgusting/ugly.
> 
> And it doesn't always happen with taste, sometimes its like "My X (body part) is better than yours because X.Y,Z; yours just looks so A,B,C". Anything she can compare us with, she throws in something like that. She's doing this recently too, so she might have seen someone doing this to someone else. Variations of this behaviour have always been present but this particular format is new.


It's never a mistake with a sniper its always done on purpose, that's just the kind of fucked up people that they are. You are not going to fix them, it would probably take a fleet of psych to do it and since she won't even take the MBTI, we can all guess how much chance there is of your friend actually getting help. You need to go for self in this situation and do what it takes to make you happy, no sense carrying around the scars, she obviously is not worried about your feelings or well being.


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## Swordsman of Mana (Jan 7, 2011)

Gossip Goat said:


> My sister constantly says things that are offensive but says it in a way that can or can't be directly linked to an offence. For example she goes may say something like _X item of clothing is disgusting...it sort of looks like you._ That could be interpreted in many ways, it could mean my taste in things or my actual person. Either way its a rude thing to say. She does this in MANY other ways and I'm really irritated at it and don't know how to handle this. I usually just stay quiet because it's always so unexpected, its never after a fight or anything. It's out of the blue. I'm just left speechless.
> Advice and witty comebacks are encouraged as well.


no need for witty comebacks. just call her out on being a passive-aggressive cunt.


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## the_natrix (Aug 10, 2011)

Gossip Goat said:


> I didn't lie, I don't know how you got that idea. I didn't think it was a joke, I was there when he said it. My sister would defend him regardless of anything he did or said (and he HAS said things about everyone in my family including me that are very offensive, she still defends him.) He told her that he was going to a party with another girl (their relationship is monogamous and she is his gf) and did not invite her first and he said this in front of my mom and my mom got angry and my sister defended him regardless, she used the excuse "he knows how busy I am" yet he comes over even when she's tired and has alot to study for.
> 
> I don't like it when my brother is treated unfairly because of what he has and I would never not call someone out on something they did to him just because they are my sisters boyfriend.
> 
> ...


Okie doke, Iv'e got two little ideas left I think then.

1. She hates your style and is tactless. Style critique imo is from Se so you might use that for your typing. Offhand ISTP may be the type if your earlier idea of IXTX or IXTP was correct. The functions would be Se-Ti-Fe-Ni, and with the matter of factness of an ISTX I think you would get this sort of problem. I'd wager she's thinking subjectively and acting objective and she probably doesn't think she's hurting your feelings. If you haven't made it clear that you take that personally then I might try that.

2. She's a jerky jerk, I'm just throwing this in to have all the options.


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## ForestPaix (Aug 30, 2014)

You should point out a pile of dog poop and say, hey sis, this poop reminds me of you. Or next time you feel like she's going to say something insulting, say it first with regards to her. Let her get a taste of her medicine. Then tell her to grow up and stop being so damn insecure. Because undoubtedly it makes her feel better about herself when she does this to you.


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## Gossip Goat (Nov 19, 2013)

the_natrix said:


> Okie doke, Iv'e got two little ideas left I think then.
> 
> 1. She hates your style and is tactless. Style critique imo is from Se so you might use that for your typing. Offhand ISTP may be the type if your earlier idea of IXTX or IXTP was correct. The functions would be Se-Ti-Fe-Ni, and with the matter of factness of an ISTX I think you would get this sort of problem. I'd wager she's thinking subjectively and acting objective and she probably doesn't think she's hurting your feelings. If you haven't made it clear that you take that personally then I might try that.
> 
> 2. She's a jerky jerk, I'm just throwing this in to have all the options.


I think shes fully aware of her actions. She's very calculating and aware. I'll look into the types you mentioned. She is most definitely a jerk.


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## Gossip Goat (Nov 19, 2013)

Swordsman of Mana said:


> no need for witty comebacks. just call her out on being a passive-aggressive cunt.


She would act as if I'm the villain because she wouldn't admit to what shes doing. I told her about what she's doing & she smiled. She normalizes the situation so I'm left confused and thinking if I misinterpreted but then i realize who im dealing with and by that time im still speechless as to what to say. She knows what shes doing and does it well.


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## Gossip Goat (Nov 19, 2013)

Double.


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## Gossip Goat (Nov 19, 2013)

MNiS said:


> I see. Also, I believe the term is actually "Negging", not "Sniping". Well, you could make things worse by undermining her self-confidence in other ways but I honestly don't think that's a good idea. That's just going to lead to a vicious cycle of you two constantly engaging in low-grade bickering which is exactly what creates a toxic relationship. I'd suggest you tell her that if she keeps doing it then you'll lose respect for her for being such a passive-aggressive person.
> 
> Passive-aggressiveness is a sign of weakness, not strength and it's a tactic of last resort when a person has no other way of fighting back.


Telling her I would lose respect for her would not worry her in the slightest, she would find that a stupid thing to say. That's sort of a touchy feely thing siblings in a Lifetime movie would say. It would have no effect on her. Now I'm starting to doubt that any kind of comment in regards to what she's doing, hurtful or not would not stop her, because of her heightened sense of self. Nonetheless if such comment were to exist, the only one that would make an impact would be one that mirrors her own way of offending. She uses it because she knows what implications it has.



> Although considering you two are family, I'm not quite sure why she feels compelled to fight with you in the first place.


I don't know why either because it's been going on since we were very young. This is a possible theory: Since we we're told we were so identical we set out ways to be different, so we would tell each other how we were different. These differences being those were we compared each other stating that one was better at this than the other or one had a better that than the other. Eventually this morphed into something more complicated and less direct, although she DOES still go "My X are better than yours because XYZ." She initiates these types of conversations. Always.


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## He's a Superhero! (May 1, 2013)

Gossip Goat said:


> My sister constantly says things that are offensive but says it in a way that can or can't be directly linked to an offence. For example she goes may say something like _X item of clothing is disgusting...it sort of looks like you._ That could be interpreted in many ways, it could mean my taste in things or my actual person. Either way its a rude thing to say. She does this in MANY other ways and I'm really irritated at it and don't know how to handle this. I usually just stay quiet because it's always so unexpected, its never after a fight or anything. It's out of the blue. I'm just left speechless.
> 
> Advice and witty comebacks are encouraged as well.


If your sister is deliberately being offencive to you then that takes away the credibility of her input. Just don't let yourself get offended by it, which may take practice. Why should you bother with an opinion that is only there to upset you?
Show her how cool a person you are and be above it. Don't let it get you down. Don't even look sad when she says stuff...and if she is trying to upset you then this will backfire onto her because she isn't getting the results she wants, so she'll get frustrated - this is assuming it's deliberate of course.


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## Gossip Goat (Nov 19, 2013)

He's a Superhero! said:


> If your sister is deliberately being offencive to you then that takes away the credibility of her input. Just don't let yourself get offended by it, which may take practice. Why should you bother with an opinion that is only there to upset you?
> Show her how cool a person you are and be above it. Don't let it get you down. Don't even look sad when she says stuff...and if she is trying to upset you then this will backfire onto her because she isn't getting the results she wants, so she'll get frustrated - this is assuming it's deliberate of course.


I can't help but feel offended, it makes me more upset to know that something was done with deliberate intent to hurt me. "Ignoring her" would simply let her run rampage without stopping. I've "ignored" in the past and she doesn't stop. She takes my silence as submission.


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## MNiS (Jan 30, 2010)

Gossip Goat said:


> Telling her I would lose respect for her would not worry her in the slightest, she would find that a stupid thing to say. That's sort of a touchy feely thing siblings in a Lifetime movie would say. It would have no effect on her. Now I'm starting to doubt that any kind of comment in regards to what she's doing, hurtful or not would not stop her, because of her heightened sense of self. Nonetheless if such comment were to exist, the only one that would make an impact would be one that mirrors her own way of offending. She uses it because she knows what implications it has.


No respect means that why bother spending time with her? Unless you don't consider it a big deal that you're not respected. I'd just stop spending any time with anyone who didn't care if they didn't bother to show any respect.



Gossip Goat said:


> I don't know why either because it's been going on since we were very young. This is a possible theory: Since we we're told we were so identical we set out ways to be different, so we would tell each other how we were different. These differences being those were we compared each other stating that one was better at this than the other or one had a better that than the other. Eventually this morphed into something more complicated and less direct, although she DOES still go "My X are better than yours because XYZ." She initiates these types of conversations. Always.


It's passive-aggressiveness. I don't know why you're trying to make the situation more complicated than it has to be. How you deal with it is: Accept it and try to ignore it, beat her at her own game, retaliate in some other way (I've heard some doozies when someone went that route) or tell her you think very little of her.

The fact that she wouldn't care if you told her she'd lose your respect means she has none for you to begin with. Which is, I'm sorry to say, seems to be the case.


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## Darkbloom (Aug 11, 2013)

So,you can:
a)Take her behaviour as a compliment and move on
b)Say whatever's on your mind and hope it gets to her-wouldn't recommend
c)Do what she does to you but in your own unique way.You know how,she's your sister
d)literally kill her

I don't know what do you want us to say to you

Btw don't you feel bad for giving her so much importance?I can't even imagine how proud of herself she'd be if she knew


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## Gossip Goat (Nov 19, 2013)

MNiS said:


> No respect means that why bother spending time with her? Unless you don't consider it a big deal that you're not respected. I'd just stop spending any time with anyone who didn't care if they didn't bother to show any respect.


We don't spend that much time together if you ignore the fact that we live together/sleep in the same room. And it's not like her comments are 24/7, one of the comments was made when she came up to our room and just made the comment out of the blue, the comments will still continue if there's any type of contact between her and I. The other comment was made when we were at the dentist, we were next to each other, hands in our laps and she starts comparing the length of our fingernails. Stating hers is much better.

Edit: There is NO way to create distance between us, unless one of us moves out. Economically I can't afford to move out. Nor do I feel like this situation between us is SO UNBEARABLE that would provoke either one of us to leave.



> It's passive-aggressiveness. I don't know why you're trying to make the situation more complicated than it has to be. How you deal with it is: Accept it and try to ignore it, beat her at her own game, retaliate in some other way (I've heard some doozies when someone went that route) or tell her you think very little of her.


I never said it wasn't passive-aggressiveness. Basically I want to squash her concept of superiority through the way I feel is most effective. While I'm not the most peaceful, I don't want the situation to escalate to a fight. I want to leave her the same way she left me. Speechless and confused. 



> The fact that she wouldn't care if you told her she'd lose your respect means she has none for you to begin with. I'm afraid that seems to be the case.


I know she has no respect for me, I have very little to no respect for her as well. The difference is that she seeks out arguments and fights and creates hostile environments because she likes it while I prefer to keep the setting animosity-free. Still I can't help but be affected by her comments and I wish to make it stop.

EDIT #2: We don't hate each other, while we do have a toxic relationship it's not to the point where its hard for me to look at the mirror and curse our resemblance or shake violently at the sight of her. I know we don't have respect for one another, I take the more civil approach while she needs to vocalize it in order to get a confidence high. And I have a problem with this and wish to vocalize it in a way where she feels the same way I did, not sad because she offended her sister. I want her to feel that next time when she says something else, she may feel the same way and will make her think twice about saying something.


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## He's a Superhero! (May 1, 2013)

Gossip Goat said:


> I can't help but feel offended, it makes me more upset to know that something was done with deliberate intent to hurt me. "Ignoring her" would simply let her run rampage without stopping. I've "ignored" in the past and she doesn't stop. She takes my silence as submission.


When you stay silent, do you appear sad or disheartened? Because she would still feel like she is winning that way. You have to get really good at acting - which can prove useful throughout your life as a handy skill. This is training you with different things, such as patience and counter intelligence, so there is a definite positive to your situation even tho it's very upsetting for you.

Here's another tactic: You could try to compliment her as authentically and as often as you can. Whenever she does something good then be sure to let her know in all sincerity...Positive reinforcement has been proven to work more effectively than negative reinforcement, and coming back at her with witty comments isn't likely to stop her at all - it may even increase it. Not giving her a reaction is far more likely to succeed, and even if it doesn't, at least it shouldn't be making the situation worse.

Also, by successfully resisting the urge to get back at her you are showing that you have real self control, which is a true strength in life!


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## MNiS (Jan 30, 2010)

Gossip Goat said:


> We don't spend that much time together if you ignore the fact that we live together/sleep in the same room. And it's not like her comments are 24/7, one of the comments was made when she came up to our room and just made the comment out of the blue, the comments will still continue if there's any type of contact between her and I. The other comment was made when we were at the dentist, we were next to each other, hands in our laps and she starts comparing the length of our fingernails. Stating hers is much better.
> 
> Edit: There is NO way to create distance between us, unless one of us moves out. Economically I can't afford to move out. Nor do I feel like this situation between us is SO UNBEARABLE that would provoke either one of us to leave.
> 
> ...


Eh, I won't help you on how to behave like a crappy person. Especially since it seems that it's not even a big deal. I think the two of you should move out when you can and not live together. Problem solved.


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## Gossip Goat (Nov 19, 2013)

Living dead said:


> So,you can:
> a)Take her behaviour as a compliment and move on
> b)Say whatever's on your mind and hope it gets to her-wouldn't recommend
> c)Do what she does to you but in your own unique way.You know how,she's your sister
> ...


Probs, I think this thread makes it seem like I'm literally obsessed and thats not the case. I guess my expectations for the replies were set too high, I've been thinking of closing the thread since it's become more me explaining the misconceptions.


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## Darkbloom (Aug 11, 2013)

What did you expect from this thread?


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## Gossip Goat (Nov 19, 2013)

He's a Superhero! said:


> When you stay silent, do you appear sad or disheartened? Because she would still feel like she is winning that way. You have to get really good at acting - which can prove useful throughout your life as a handy skill. This is training you with different things, such as patience and counter intelligence, so there is a definite positive to your situation even tho it's very upsetting for you.
> 
> Here's another tactic: You could try to compliment her as authentically and as often as you can. Whenever she does something good then be sure to let her know in all sincerity...Positive reinforcement has been proven to work more effectively than negative reinforcement, and coming back at her with witty comments isn't likely to stop her at all - it may even increase it. Not giving her a reaction is far more likely to succeed, and even if it doesn't, at least it shouldn't be making the situation worse.
> 
> Also, by successfully resisting the urge to get back at her you are showing that you have real self control, which is a true strength in life!


I don't really respond to her in any way. I think her vocalizing what she thinks is enough for her.

I should really not care about what people say. Sadly, I don't how to do that either.


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## Gossip Goat (Nov 19, 2013)

Living dead said:


> What did you expect from this thread?


Sassy members coming up with sassy replies.


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## MNiS (Jan 30, 2010)

Gossip Goat said:


> EDIT #2: We don't hate each other, while we do have a toxic relationship it's not to the point where its hard for me to look at the mirror and curse our resemblance or shake violently at the sight of her. I know we don't have respect for one another, I take the more civil approach while she needs to vocalize it in order to get a confidence high. And I have a problem with this and wish to vocalize it in a way where she feels the same way I did, not sad because she offended her sister. I want her to feel that next time when she says something else, she may feel the same way and will make her think twice about saying something.


Well, like I said. I'm not going to assist one person on how to be a bad person to a third party. And you're right, it is for certain a toxic relationship. It sounds like the two of you are just kind enough with one another to mostly keep the peace but she says rude things to you and you want revenge.

I think simply moving out when you can and only occasionally seeing one another will solve your problem. I know that's worked with a lot of families who've had similar issues (People tell me stuff and especially like to tell me about their problems for w/e reason even though I'm in no way a therapist.).


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## He's a Superhero! (May 1, 2013)

Gossip Goat said:


> I don't really respond to her in any way. I think her vocalizing what she thinks is enough for her.
> 
> I should really not care about what people say. Sadly, I don't how to do that either.


Turning off the emotion button when people say offencive things is far far easier said than done! Don't expect to be able to do it overnight, but it takes a lot of practice, so you will have to endure many more insults I'm afraid. Still, you can get good at this, but even when you do there will be bad days when you aren't so prepared to deal with that sort of thing, and your sister will see you more often than most others who may deal out insults.

Please do try at least a few times to honestly compliment her...just see what happens. If you can do this for a month you should really see some results, but every person takes a different amount of time to get thru to. Who knows tho, this may be what she is craving for - not necessarily from you, but it would help her a lot if someone in her life was complimenting her...and who better than someone who she is insulting? This will be more powerful than you may expect, that's for sure!


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## Darkbloom (Aug 11, 2013)

Gossip Goat said:


> Sassy members coming up with sassy replies.


But good replies are something highly personalized.They have to mean something to _her _yet be clearly from _you_,not sassy perc members haha
Different things have different influence on different people
For example,"selfish" is an insult,right?You'd shatter some people's world by calling them selfish and they'd probably hate you forever.Others would take it seriously and try to work on improving themselves.I would laugh at your face.
That's why no one can tell you what to say.


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## Gossip Goat (Nov 19, 2013)

MNiS said:


> Well, like I said. I'm not going to assist one person on how to be a bad person to a third party. And you're right, it is for certain a toxic relationship. It sounds like the two of you are just kind enough with one another to mostly keep the peace but she says rude things to you and you want revenge.
> 
> I think simply moving out when you can and only occasionally seeing one another will solve your problem. I know that's worked with a lot of families who've had similar issues (People tell me stuff and especially like to tell me about their problems for w/e reason.).


Sigh, the kinds of replies I wanted weren't things like:

"_Tell her shes a cunt sucking leech who has absolutely no value in life and has the essence of pure and utter manure_ "

That's not the type of revenge or comeback I want. I realize that there pretty much is no sentence that will shut her up. Or atleast not one that anyone here nor I can come up with.


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## Gossip Goat (Nov 19, 2013)

Living dead said:


> But good replies are something highly personalized.They have to mean something to _her _yet be clearly from _you_,not sassy perc members haha
> Different things have different influence on different people
> For example,"selfish" is an insult,right?You'd shatter some people's world by calling them selfish and they'd probably hate you forever.Others would take it seriously and try to work on improving themselves.I would laugh at your face.
> That's why no one can tell you what to say.


Since I was having trouble coming up with something thats why I requested the assistance of sassy perc members. But I guess it wasn't realistic to ask either way. On a reply I said I wanted to know how others would handle the situation, specifically what they would say. If it seemed fitting I would use it as "inspiration".


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## Gossip Goat (Nov 19, 2013)

He's a Superhero! said:


> Turning off the emotion button when people say offencive things is far far easier said than done! Don't expect to be able to do it overnight, but it takes a lot of practice, so you will have to endure many more insults I'm afraid. Still, you can get good at this, but even when you do there will be bad days when you aren't so prepared to deal with that sort of thing, and your sister will see you more often than most others who may deal out insults.
> 
> Please do try at least a few times to honestly compliment her...just see what happens. If you can do this for a month you should really see some results, but every person takes a different amount of time to get thru to. Who knows tho, this may be what she is craving for - not necessarily from you, but it would help her a lot if someone in her life was complimenting her...and who better than someone who she is insulting? This will be more powerful than you may expect, that's for sure!


Yeah, I like your advice. How can I stop caring though? Simply enduring it wouldn't help, right?


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## He's a Superhero! (May 1, 2013)

Gossip Goat said:


> Yeah, I like your advice. How can I stop caring though? Simply enduring it wouldn't help, right?


It's about how you're thinking about it. Two different people called the same insult will react differently, as their minds think on it differently. Some people when they hear an insult, their mind keeps going over and over it and won't let it go - they need to learn to let it go. Some people believe what the person is saying is true - they need to build up their self esteem and stop believing what others say offencively. Some want to say a witty and hurtful comeback - they need to see that this is only going to make things worse. Try to cultivate a positive mind-set, which is really up to you. Only you can do this, no one else can do it for you unfortunately. It's the same with fighting depression tho, it's about how you think about it. If you allow yourself to dwell on negative stuff it will effect the depression, but if you learn to push those negative thoughts away and keep them at bay then they progress with dealing with depression. Push those insults out of your mind and stop yourself from thinking of them. Like I said tho, this will take time to get used to this process.


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## Gossip Goat (Nov 19, 2013)

johnson.han.3 said:


> why do you think you are unhealthy personality type? why not a completely different personality?. =o


*head spins*


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## Sporadic Aura (Sep 13, 2009)

I'd respond immediately but respond in a way that makes it clear that you don't care about her opinion.

So, using the 'that clothing is ugly, it kind of reminds me of you' example. I'd respond...

(If I actually liked the clothing): Hmm, we must just have different fashion sense, I actually quite like it.

Implying that you value your own opinion over hers. And that her insult was pretty meaningless to you.

(You actually don't like it): Hmm, not sure why you'd say that, I agree with you that its ugly.

Again, basically nullifying her insult.

Just simple responses, that show you are acknowledging that she tried to insult you, but that the insult fell very short.

Hopefully over time her insults actually will stop bothering you for real, and you won't have to pretend. Because to be honest they shouldn't bother you at all. Think of it like this. The purpose behind what she is saying is just to insult your or make you feel badly. She probably doesn't even believe half the things she is saying, shes just saying whatever will get you upset. Why should you care about those comments? They are just born out of her need to control the dynamic between you to. If you choose not to care about those comments you take all your sisters power away.


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## Sporadic Aura (Sep 13, 2009)

Gossip Goat said:


> Well now you're making me question my type xD. I may be an unhealthy E/ISFJ, I don't know her type though.


You definitely seem like an Si-dom to me.


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## baby blue me (May 9, 2014)

I know someone like this.

I'll go with 


abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxy said:


> The right question is not "which are the most witty comebacks", because you aint going to memorize words. *The right answer is that you have to change your mentality, once you do, answers will come from your mouth easily and do it's effect.*
> 
> Why is she doing it? - It could be jealousy, attention seeking,...etc. + You shouldn't really care. And when I mean you shouldn't care, I mean really, *DON'T FUCKING CARE. Do not pretend like you don't care.*
> 
> Once you don't care and know why is she doing it, you could either counter-attack and fuck around with her (which I find it amusing) or tell her in a direct way, *being calm*, always...


and



TheProphetLaLa said:


> Honestly, *if the direct honesty approach doesn't work* then I'd say you have two options : A) Cut the bitch out of your life like the disgustingly long toenail that she is. *B) Start volleying grenades back her way. Basically start fighting fire with fire. *Does this work? Sometimes yes. *People that "snipe" don't really want to fight per say, which is why they're "sniping" in the first place. *Once they start getting stung they may back off. Good luck my young sniper. May you snipe true.


To add to these:
1. I have to reiterate that you have to learn not to care. This is because if you care enough, you can't say the meanest things you think she deserves. Not so mean things won't do anything to her. How to not care is another thing, especially that you are siblings.
2. Fight fire with fire. Use the technique she does against her. If she compares you to an old-looking sweater, do something similar. If you know what her insecurities are, the better. 

When the situation calls, comment something like these (still depending on her insecurities): 
I would love to insult you, but you wouldn't understand.
When you were born something terrible happened, you lived.
I'm tired... of hanging around you.
Though two heads are better than one but not when one of the head is yours.
If dignity was money, you could maybe buy a soda.
Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you’re abusing the privilege.
If the stuff that comes out of my mouth upsets you, just think of all the things I keep to myself.
Can I borrow your brain for half an hour, I’m building an idiot.
Your face looks like hell.
Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you they can’t laugh either.

These will work only during the appropriate situations of course. Also, ensure that you have what she wants--happiness maybe. Pls be reminded that you are sort of stooping down to her level when you do these. For one, you don't seem like you want to hurt her but she's pushing you to your limits. Another thing is you're willing to say things which you may not totally mean. Anyhow, always live your life based on the way you'd like it to be lived not because you're trying to be better/wittier around her. Kudos.


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## Darkbloom (Aug 11, 2013)

Sorry,but since when are ISFJ's generally easy going and playful with such things?I realize some are but that's hardly an ISFJ trait.Most I know are kinda like @Gossip Goat,they get angry and hurt but don't know what to do with it so they try to minimize their feelings and pretend it's not too bad but eventually it all just starts pouring out of them.


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## Retsu (Aug 12, 2011)

Living dead said:


> Sorry,but since when are ISFJ's generally easy going and playful with such things?I realize some are but that's hardly an ISFJ trait.Most I know are kinda like @Gossip Goat,they get angry and hurt but don't know what to do with it so they try to minimize their feelings and pretend it's not too bad but eventually it all just starts pouring out of them.


If it's obviously a joke then yes. If it's ambiguous then they'd get upset. My ISFJ friend calls everyone fat all the time, being fat himself, as a joke. 
ISFJs aren't uptight at all, especially if they know it's a joke.

Obviously OP's situation wasn't a joke and she had a right to get upset, but they're not all delicate little flowers.


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## Darkbloom (Aug 11, 2013)

Retsu said:


> If it's obviously a joke then yes. If it's ambiguous then they'd get upset. My ISFJ friend calls everyone fat all the time, being fat himself, as a joke.
> ISFJs aren't uptight at all, especially if they know it's a joke.
> 
> Obviously OP's situation wasn't a joke and she had a right to get upset, but they're not all delicate little flowers.


Yeah,I get that.But I don't even think about things that are obviously 100% joke


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## HowDareThey (Dec 31, 2010)

Living dead said:


> But good replies are something highly personalized.They have to mean something to _her _yet be clearly from _you_,not sassy perc members haha
> Different things have different influence on different people
> For example,"selfish" is an insult,right?You'd shatter some people's world by calling them selfish and they'd probably hate you forever.Others would take it seriously and try to work on improving themselves.I would laugh at your face.
> That's why no one can tell you what to say.


I think she's just looking for ideas to pick and choose from, or what inspires her thinking.


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## HowDareThey (Dec 31, 2010)

FearAndTrembling said:


> Tell her that she is weak. That every time she makes a comment, it will be considered a baby's cry.
> 
> Also, don't talk shit behind your sister's back to your mother. I hated when my sister did that. lol.


Whenever people worried that I was "telling on them" or resented something I said (when I was young) it shook my trust in THEM. It made me think they WANTED to do bad things, and weren't just making mistakes. I figured they should either be mad at themselves, for what they did wrong, or mad at the authority figure IF IN FACT the authority was unreasonable. I mean it's not like I went around proactively spying on people or anything.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

I still say: "Good one! I'm going to use that one on somebody else!" 

Messes with their heads and you get a good sideways insult to add to your quiver.


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## HowDareThey (Dec 31, 2010)

Gossip Goat said:


> Thats what I usually do, but it eats me alive not saying anything. I want to, I just don't know what.
> 
> 
> 
> I tell myself that her behaviour is a reflection of her state of being, nonetheless I know her ego gets inflated every time she asserts her dominance over someone else and I really want to show her she can't do that to me.


You're right, of course. Some of the value in shifting your mindset is that once you fully adopt a new view, sometimes the words you need flow easily. For example if you are able to shift your feeling from being surprised and victimizd-- well you already have, by pursuing help here you are shifting to calcluating and determined-- but if you are able to develop a view that you judge and disapprove of her / of snipers, that you have come to view her as pitiful, and view her pathetic actions with some amusement-- Your facial expressions and demeanor alone may show and imperviousness which will madden her. It's no easy feat, putting snipes like this in their place, for most people. But some people manage it in a heartbeat because of where they are coming from. (Nobody bats 1000 though and everyone has moments when they are just overrun, these things happen way too fast)

I know you cannot cut your twin out of your life, but do you have the options of putting some chill and distance in your relationship in the foreseeable future?


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## HowDareThey (Dec 31, 2010)

Gossip Goat said:


> Probs, I think this thread makes it seem like I'm literally obsessed and thats not the case. I guess my expectations for the replies were set too high, I've been thinking of closing the thread since it's become more me explaining the misconceptions.


Yeah, I think sometimes when we ask for what we think is technical advice we end up fending off misdirects. I used to run into that all the time. It's frustrating. Once in awhile someone's reframe can put things into new perspective, but in general it's just exasperating because they are not offering you the advice you specifically seek, they are critiquing your approach. I think the questions people have asked make sense as they are trying to get a fuller sense of the situation.

If only you could connect with someone experienced in a face to face situation, and do a role-play. In which you would play the role of your sister (because you know her behavior and it is predictable to you) and the wise experienced person plays you, and offers alternative ways to respond that you might not have thought of.


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## Gossip Goat (Nov 19, 2013)

HowDareThey said:


> You're right, of course. Some of the value in shifting your mindset is that once you fully adopt a new view, sometimes the words you need flow easily. For example if you are able to shift your feeling from being surprised and victimizd-- well you already have, by pursuing help here you are shifting to calcluating and determined-- but if you are able to develop a view that you judge and disapprove of her / of snipers, that you have come to view her as pitiful, and view her pathetic actions with some amusement-- Your facial expressions and demeanor alone may show and imperviousness which will madden her. It's no easy feat, putting snipes like this in their place, for most people. But some people manage it in a heartbeat because of where they are coming from. (Nobody bats 1000 though and everyone has moments when they are just overrun, these things happen way too fast)
> 
> I know you cannot cut your twin out of your life, but do you have the options of putting some chill and distance in your relationship in the foreseeable future?


We really don't even have that much contact. As of today we've only spoken once and it was just a few words exchanged. When college starts is when we speak even less because while we do attend the same college we aren't in the same major and did not choose to attend together the same classes that were in both our curriculums.


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## perpetuallyreticent (Sep 24, 2014)

"well, fuck you and everything you love."


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## Fern (Sep 2, 2012)

Maybe confront her directly when she says something hurtful? Look at her in the eye and ask "Did you really mean that?"


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