# Dealing with depersonalization



## sprinkles (Feb 7, 2010)

some people are probably sick of me and my drama by now... but anyway...

I was wondering if anyone else experiences depersonalization on some level... and how do you deal with it if you do

To me its like the only time I'm remotely what I would consider 'myself' is certain cases when I am alone.. but other times it's like my self that i identify with is stuck somewhere inside my head and it is just passively watching the body do stuff... its like that part doesnt do anything nor does it want to but its more like things go on around... like its in somebody elses head watching the world happen around it

I was thinking about that quite a lot when i was tryin to sleep just now and I was like get up and talk about it but I also had to fight it to keep it in front... because a lot of times I just get on here depersonalized automatically so I had to try and prevent that but its very hard and stressing to do

So anyway... I was wondering if anyone has experience with that and if theres ways to cope with that or am I just due for more therapy and medications again...


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## Dreamer (Feb 5, 2010)

can I tell you a story?

Well. Two years ago, I woke up one night and felt myself 'go out of my body'. I felt like I wasn't connected with myself. I felt I wasn't 'me'. It was the most odd feeling and It made my heart race. I just felt like I was in some other body. It wasn't an 'out of body experience'. It was something else. But it was extremely terrifying. Something didn't feel right. I began getting these feelings constantly throughout the day for weeks. My heart would race. I'd break down in tears. I was on the verge of committing suicide it was that bad. It hurt like freakin heck! I just felt like someone else had taken hold of me. I didn't sleep as resting in bed made me think of it more. I constantly was 'aware' of myself. And it didn't feel like it was me. This caused these strange panic attack symptoms. Heart pumping. Frantic. Etc.
None of my councellors in doctors really knew what it was. All they said was it was a 'panic attack'. But looking back on it now. It wasn't. I wasn't scared of anything around me. I just felt like someone else had taken control of me. It was extremely severe. It felt like my soul wasn't in my body. I don't even know how to explain it. I spent hours and hours at night doing games and puzzles trying to distract these 'soul ripping' feelings every second. But they wouldn't go away. I went on panic attack forums but I didn't connect with them. Just the symptoms I got. I tried ringing up phone lines. But they laughed at me and said for me to 'get a job' and then they hung up on me. I didn't know how to take it. I went gardening at my nans and the whole time I was in a daze. I felt like I was dead or something similar..or under some drug. (I never did take illegal drugs). I went back on my depression pill and it helped a tad. But I still got these overwhelming feelings of drowsyness, like I was out of my body, like someone else was controlling me, my head was being rattled around...etc. It was made worse by no one understanding what it really was. I still don't really know myself. I can guess at that was depersonalization or something maybe the world doesn't know about at all. Every minute of the day I felt this. You can imagine having your heart beat fast every day, all night with these feelings. I tried ignoring them, but they came back. Some days the feeling just 'went away' and I felt ok (still taking the pill as well) and i'd laugh and i'd sleep easy. Next day they came back again. This went on for a couple weeks in 2008. I tried going out more and that made me feel a bit better ( I stayed home for months..didn't help). But it was a extremely frightening feeling!! I had my mum and she couldn't take it anymore. I just lived with my mum and that's it. She tried praying for me and etc. She talked to me as well. But nothing really did much. (I appreciated her help soo much, if it wasn't for her i'd probably have killed myself). Right now I don't go out for months either ( still live with my parents and no school). So i'm scared I might go back to having those feelings (most frightening feelings ever). I did have the feelings a couple months back one night and once again a few months later. They came after there was a lot of stress in the house.
I also realised when I started these 'feelings'. It came after my mother was extremely depressed, and I was the only one that looked after her. Also, I had no friends or family either. I left school as well. Also, my grandmother had just been diagnosed as having dementia. So she became erratic, crazy, weird and odd. Which made my brain churn. It's difficult to be around someone with dementia and have a normal conversation with them without feeling confused or like your brain has been churned. (if you know people like this, then you know how draining it is on you). My mum was her only sole carer. So she shot out throughout the day and they had arguments (grandmother accused mum and everyone of 'stealing' and people wanting to 'kill her' and other strange things like that). It was veryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy hard on my mother. She became nervy and cried a lot. I hardly ever saw her. She was always at her place. My grandmother became nasty as well to her (she was always a bit of a nasty woman, but her dementia made her worse). Even thinking about it makes me frightening. I have to be careful to not think too much about my feelings and to not 'analyse' myself much. Even though i'm fighting the feelings. I have a weak state of mind. I haven't been on pills for nearly a year now (mum is amazed). I don't take them because it means I have to 'swallow' them. I don't swallow pills. I also hardly ever want to go out at all. I also hate using pills to make me feel better. I'd rather be happy from other things. Even though that is difficult. I know I am stubborn. So that makes it worse. I do have a councellor. She comes at night because that is better for me. Even though her work has ended (kinda nice when you think about it). Also I had left school after being very badly bullied a few months back.
I think you should honestly not do what I do and take problems and issues on board yourself. Do things you enjoy. Get fresh air (I never do, don't be like me), find a hobby (other than the computer like me), laugh, go out and do something (even if it going to the supermarket. I don't go out for these things, I think it's a waste of time. Don't be like me!!), sing, play games. Talk about it to someone!
The way I deal with the feelings is 'ignoring' it. But that isn't helping it. You're not dealing with it head-on. Talk about it to a professional. That's their job.


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## sprinkles (Feb 7, 2010)

Thanks... you describe some of what I feel pretty much daily and have for years... I guess with me its just rare that I talk about it in person so I don't really have anything to say to doctors or therapists. >.<

It's rare that I talk at all in fact. And I often try to tell myself that its nothing to worry about but the fact I've been in the hospital three times over stuff like that and actually got social security also tells me differently...

I think some times it feels positive because what I'm doing feels happy or good, so even though I still don't feel like 'me' it can some times trick me into thinking its a good thing....


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## Linesky (Dec 10, 2008)

I've experienced it to some extent and I advise you to be occupied with the things you're attuned to. Try to feel reconnected to that which holds you together. Do not drag yourself into a mental pithole... Do not dream of running away _all_ the time, it'll just make it *harder* to cope with the reality... Try to be physically active, too.


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## Dreamer (Feb 5, 2010)

Mercurius said:


> I've experienced it to some extent and I advise you to be occupied with the things you're attuned to. Try to feel reconnected to that which holds you together. Do not drag yourself into a mental pithole... Do not dream of running away _all_ the time, it'll just make it *harder* to cope with the reality... Try to be physically active, too.


yeah exactly. 
You have to find who you are again. Become aware that that you are being yourself. Just try and find that awareness


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## Linesky (Dec 10, 2008)

Look for and do stuff that truly intruiges you.
Do not wander with question marks on your forehead... Take a step and it'll be a step forward. Do not expect a conclusion, as it's a constant growth.


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## NotSoRighteousRob (Jan 1, 2010)

to me depersonalization is when I can completely look at something objectively. I am at my most rational point when I experience such a state.


I really don't think it's meant to be an out of body experience. its' more your inside your body and just responding according to the most reasonable action at the time. You are devoid of emotions so your logical center responds accordingly. Honestly I wish I could remain in such a state more often as it is one of the few times I am ever at peace.


true depersonalization means a lack of emotional output, but it usually comes with some rather serious rebounds, at least for me.


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## Solace (Jan 12, 2010)

sprinkles said:


> So anyway... I was wondering if anyone has experience with that and if theres ways to cope with that or am I just due for more therapy and medications again...


It might help to get out of whatever routine you're in. Whatever you're doing, try to do it differently, change up your schedule, increase your time outside interacting with people (even if it's just people watching), so that you can find that control again.

I think that being more active would help a lot, though I don't think it's a great solution if you're not willing to do it over the long term.

Good luck.


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## Paul (Apr 12, 2010)

Sprinkles, get out of the house.....go for a walk, bicycle ride, a walk in the mall.....just get away for awhile.


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## sprinkles (Feb 7, 2010)

Spades said:


> It might help to get out of whatever routine you're in. Whatever you're doing, try to do it differently, change up your schedule, increase your time outside interacting with people (even if it's just people watching), so that you can find that control again.
> 
> I think that being more active would help a lot, though I don't think it's a great solution if you're not willing to do it over the long term.
> 
> Good luck.





Paul said:


> Sprinkles, get out of the house.....go for a walk, bicycle ride, a walk in the mall.....just get away for awhile.


This was actually helpful advice... :laughing:

I went outside for a while, I tend to step outside pretty regularly actually but I had to do it with a different mindset... it had to be me that is going outside and I had to want to do it, I guess?

Also I think I kind of need to accept how I am and deal with it rather than deny and fight against it... like now these words I'm typing, it's like I'm not thinking them, they just come from somewhere... but I think I realize now too that this isn't something that gets better in one night, there must be underlying causes and I need to try and recognize those too.

So anyway... thanks for the advice, something was different today and I think it was good, I actually thought about it and took it seriously rather than flipping out and thinking people just want to get me to do stuff or that they don't understand or don't care... I think I realized that doesn't really even matter so long as I can recognize what is said and see the usefulness in it... or something like that, anyway.


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