# Another Health and Fitness Log :)



## Veggie

I'm trying to remember, but I don't think I ate anything yesterday. I was preoccupied and not really thinking about food again. Haven't had an appetite. I lost another pound this morning - I'm officially in my weight range goal, and I've lost ten pounds since I started this log!


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## yentipeee

Veggie said:


> I'm trying to remember, but I don't think I ate anything yesterday. I was preoccupied and not really thinking about food again. Haven't had an appetite. * I lost another pound this morning* - I'm officially in my weight range goal, and I've lost ten pounds since I started this log!



Everybody loses a pound when they go to the bathroom in the morning :tongue:


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## Veggie

yentipeee said:


> Everybody loses a pound when they go to the bathroom in the morning :tongue:


I've been weighing myself consistently every morning and basing loss on that so I think it counts lol.


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## Veggie

Thursday I think I just had Pinot Grigio and hot wings with celery and dipping sauce. Old habits die hard. lol.

Yesterday:

- 2 Greek honey yogurts
- Organic lentil-vegetable soup
- Hot chocolate
- Water

I felt like I was sort of coming off a longer fast (didn't eat Wednesday, just did lunch time Thursday, and didn't eat the yogurts until later afternoon yesterday) and I didn't want to make the mistake of a bunch of food after again - so the yogurt and soup seemed like a good solution. Feeling my appetite coming back. I think I'm maybe slightly tocophobic, and that was officially triggered earlier this week, along with the continuation of all kinds of other emotional junk. I haven't lost any more weight but I've been sitting in the same .5 pound range since the official 10 pound loss.

I had this really lucid dream last night where I went on a carby food binge and it was pretty fun because I felt like I could kinda taste everything. Think it was mostly latkes, biscuits, donuts with vanilla icing and sprinkles, and some sort of pasta. Thanks for that brain. haha.


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## Veggie

Yesterday:

- Venti lightly sweetened nonfat iced chai latte
- 2 egg white bites
- Oatmeal with agave syrup
- Chirashi bowl - salmon, tuna, imitation crab, avocado, cucumber, rice
- Cranberry kombucha
- (Late night) tofu scramble (busy day and stayed up pretty late)
- Water

...continuing to maintain weight and body fat loss for the most part, but I did apparently gain a bit of water weight over the past week or so despite that I want to get rid of. It's sort of holding fast.

Still no yoga today but probably tomorrow for sure. Latest deep cleaning-organization-planning endeavor is finally pretty much finished. Had depressing thoughts again falling asleep and this terrible recurring nightmare - reading my book on motivation now to try to get back in the right mindset today. Or at least to feel more in control of it. I spent a good chunk of time on Pinterest a couple days ago too to help. Increased mind-body awareness can dig up fun stuff. lol... 

I feel like my brain spent most of yesterday replaying every terrible thing that's happened in my life (funsies... but I accomplished goals anyway!). I did have this one moment though where I found myself imagining moving out of this house (I rent a room-bathroom with a bunch of roommates). I don't really want to leave right now, but it was the first time I'd genuinely visualized (and felt) my having a future past this in a long time. That glimmer was nice, even if vague. I've felt directionless pretty much since I moved in a couple years ago. And some things that have been hanging over my head for a while are finally fleshing themselves out to be dealt with. (Contributing to this all both probably positively and negatively).

This pin suddenly (posted it a while ago) keeps getting saved and re-saved just about every day lately, interestingly:


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## Veggie

Yesterday I was really craving Kombucha when I woke up and went so hard on it that I caught a buzz. lol. I know it has trace amounts of alcohol, but I wasn't expecting that. I think I crushed about 4 1/2 in a row though on an empty stomach which can contribute. And I was drinking a different brand than I normally do (this locally made stuff). Thought this was interesting -

https://www.bustle.com/articles/102...o-know-about-getting-tipsy-from-the-probiotic

It was it's own kind of energetic boost. If I can do that without a crash, while actually _detoxing_ my liver and what not in the process, I might be onto something for the future. lol. Load up on kombucha's with an empty stomach! ...might be a more expensive habit.

I almost felt too energized though, but I think other factors contributed. I was sort of mindlessly drinking them while I chatted with a typology group about enneagram. We were talking about processing more difficult emotions (a problem for everyone I'm sure, but there's a ton of seven fixers in that chat which is cool), and apparently there's this dude in a FB group who claims he can type you based on art collages you put together. I made two on anger using images I've already collected through the years. There was something cathartic and additionally energizing yet disorienting about that.

Went to the shared kitchen thinking I should eat something more substantial to calm down and ended up talking with my landlord and his girlfriend for a while which had the opposite effect. They're both professional body builders, and she's additionally a fitness model. Apparently she just did this high end photo shoot with Gigi Hadid and other big names and they were telling me all about it. I'm just thinking to myself - impressive, but, so, okay. I'ma go back upstairs to think some more about how I've accomplished nothing with my life thus far. Good talk and good timing for it! LOL. 

That actually resulted in a full blown panic attack, honestly, and insomnia until about 6 am this morning :bored: Kinda interesting tho - she told me that afterwards she gained back fifteen pounds in a week. Dude, I don't know if I could do that if I tried. lol. So at least I felt sorta confident in how I'm going about this again in trying not to push myself too hard (body pushes back... and I don't have the resolve to deal with that. lol).

Someone asked me yesterday why I care so much about this, basically saying I already look fine. I finally produced this very raw answer with the state I was in. It just plopped right out quite elegantly. So, totally honest answer? I wanna look better in pictures for my vanity, but really, I wanna hold onto my youth for the sake of feeling immortal for as long as I can (thirties have freaked me out a lil), give my enemies less reasons to pick me apart, and I wanna look as ideal as possible so that if I fall in love again I'll have one less reason to convince myself that it isn't real on their end. Whoa all kinds of issues xD

My brain is evil though and immediately started playing devil's advocate, with the help of my Pinterest, which I swear talks to me through the law of attraction. haha. Does attempting to cling to youth create a focus that's ultimately about death? Does reaching higher deter or attract haters? Could I become an intimidating force and confuse myself further in the dating scene? (That one was actually inspired by this, which I found at the very top of my feed after I'd been thinking about all this. I laughed for like ten minutes... not that I think I'll reach 1000/10 in hotness, but still ):









The book I'm reading basically approaches motivation from the standpoint of the pleasure principle, and breaks the process into three parts. The activity itself (attraction or repulsion to doing it), it's consequences (wanting to obtain or avoid), and activation energy (the effort required to start and stop) - which all creates a tug of war in our brains, further tied to our associative memory. 

I need to continue to focus on trying to create positive associations with this all. I was looking at that quote I posted - about going whole heartedly into what you do - and I started associating daily routines with boring again (Yoga. Every. Day? :crying. It became funny to me, actually, the idea of putting your "whole heart" into squats or something as a lifestyle. At least for me personally. Then this all became a deterrent to what I _could _be putting my whole heart into instead (though I couldn't even tell you what that would be) and bleh. I realllly need to find balance. lol. 

Someone brought up the instinctual variants again yesterday morning and I started thinking - sx: id; sp: ego; so: superego? If I'm sx dom, maybe the book is a good start in finding it in a way that makes sense to me, at least. And I've felt like break through's in weight have led to break through's otherwise, which adds more worth to the journey. Also, this has been helping with "activation energy" generally. In the past I've been known to try to hold on to the "inspiration" of yesterday (through benders, not sleeping, fasting, etc. Though I finally got restful sleep this morning and then revved myself right back up to it today. Side note - I wonder if inferior Se has anything to do with this (I've seen other Ni doms here say similar-ish things - @cuddle bun ), though that's probably a post for another time, and my thoughts on that are half formed. Idk - even just thinking about that kinda stuff gives me an energetic boost, so it's fun to postulate). 

This log is keeping me half on track too. So on that note, I have now apparently lost eleven pounds, and food yesterday:

- 4 1/2 lavender lemonade kombuchas
- Strawberries
- Cottage cheese
- Carrots with garlic hummus 
- Tofu scramble
- Water


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## Veggie

I've just been snacking over the past couple days. Haven't been hungry for anything more meal-ish.

Yesterday:

- Strawberries
- Cottage cheese
- Pinot Grigio
- Water

Today:

- Strawberries
- Cottage cheese
- Carrots and garlic hummus
- Pinot Grigio
- Water

I lost another pound this morning which is cool... I'm getting far enough into my goal weight range territory that even if I gain a couple back, I'll still be sitting there. I also lost another... point? Of visceral fat. (Not really sure how exactly that's rated or measured). And I've now lost 3% body fat since I started this log. I can't figure out the water weight percentage thing. Technically I think it's actually good that it's increasing after looking into it - but that's because muscle mass has more water than fat... and I've been losing muscle mass. So I'm not sure where it's going - and maybe also it isn't ideal that it's been rising. lol. But yea, I haven't lost too awful much of it (muscle mass), and it was optimal to begin with (not sure how... lol) so I feel like I have some wiggle room there.

I'm not going to beat myself up about this routine thing. I like conjuring up new ideas and switching things up, and that's fine. And knowledge of results gained through experimentation can always be applied to the future, whenever I feel like it again. I've had some constants what with this all between logging and weighing myself daily, and that works for me. (Watch me start a routine tomorrow because I'm a contrarian a-hole like that). _Ultimate_ goal is more effectively maximizing my energy (and in healthier ways) - and there's many ways to achieve that. Regardless... I still need more productive mornings.


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## And1

Congratulations on meeting the goals you have and on the future goals you meet. Keep inspired!


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## Veggie

And1 said:


> Congratulations on meeting the goals you have and on the future goals you meet. Keep inspired!


Thanks!!


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## Squirt

When you contemplate your motivations, there is not very much talk about enjoying the physical you. I mean, you mention vanity, but I think many people are hard on themselves - even looking in a mirror once in a while one can worry if that is vain. You mentioned positive associations - and I wonder what those would be for you. Avoiding negative states is sort of a glass half empty approach.

Personally, it is easier to focus on a negative state when I have expectations floating around in my head of what I am supposed to be. I think shedding those opens up the possibility of enjoying who you are. My goals often revolve around wanting to feel freedom. If I train with weights around my ankles, taking them off makes me feel lighter than air. Losing weight, becoming more flexible, having less needs, is a means to feel free.

Congrats on what you have done so far!


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## Veggie

Squirt said:


> When you contemplate your motivations, there is not very much talk about enjoying the physical you. I mean, you mention vanity, but I think many people are hard on themselves - even looking in a mirror once in a while one can worry if that is vain. You mentioned positive associations - and I wonder what those would be for you. Avoiding negative states is sort of a glass half empty approach.
> 
> Personally, it is easier to focus on a negative state when I have expectations floating around in my head of what I am supposed to be. I think shedding those opens up the possibility of enjoying who you are. My goals often revolve around wanting to feel freedom. If I train with weights around my ankles, taking them off makes me feel lighter than air. Losing weight, becoming more flexible, having less needs, is a means to feel free.
> 
> Congrats on what you have done so far!


Thanks 

And yea, I guess I'm trying to figure out what those positive associations can and should be. 

I already do enjoy the physical me, which is why I kinda didn't want to do this. lol. No ailments, I might not be in tip top marathon shape or something, but I can walk for miles without any complications, I have good circulation, good digestion, rarely get sick, have lots of energy, don't have any aches or pains or stiffness, etc. (Fat shaming can be so stupid. lol).

I haven't really noticed any physical differences since this started either, other than generally just feeling a little lighter. I've been worried it would impact me negatively, actually. When I get too routine oriented I feel like I lose a general edge that I enjoy - my senses dull, my mind isn't as sharp, I feel like I'm going through life half asleep - like I'm not on my toes which creates this sort of underlying, buried dread. I've also been worried about stuff like injuries. 

I can totally relate to the freedom bit though! I think I'm mainly looking to lighten my load in a psychological sense, which is why I probably keep coming back to that. I want my inner reality to match the outer as much as possible. If I'm walking down the street feeling like Wonder Woman, I wanna look in the mirror and have her smile back at me. haha. Frees the mind of struggle (but how am I really being perceived?) so that it can take flight into other things without the same interruptions.


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## Veggie

Yesterday:

- Venti nonfat lightly sweetened iced chai latte
- 2 egg white bites
- Starbucks chocolate cake pop
- Quinoa bowl: quinoa, kale, carrots, cucumber, feta, avocado, green peppers, garbanzo beans, peanut dressing
- Starbucks turkey bacon-egg white sandwich
- Water

I might go somewhere this weekend for Halloween. Find something haunted, or... idk. I tried coordinating this family trip earlier this month but everyone's schedules conflicted, and then meeting some people in Savannah for a weekend fell through... so nothing's really keeping me from just getting away by myself. 

The Eagles Take It Easy has been stuck in my head - at the thought of lightening my psychological load. It always reminds me of a good road trip too. 






...adds a lighter association to that arduous and painful task. (And the notion that my realities may not match, that I might not essentially have a grasp on outward reality (generally) is pretty unpleasant... it brings back memories of being blindsided by things, frustration over having to build first impressions nearly constantly (I do have to kinda care about how I'm likely being perceived right now - not that you can ever have a definitive handle on that) - I'm dating, in a transitory state professionally, far from home - etc. But so is the idea that I may have to give up this internal and physical (feeling) state I've achieved for that aim (which wouldn't then be a balance anyway) - I'm really worried about interrupting that homeostasis with this all without finding a new (ideal) one). 

That seems to work best with positivity for me lately. The more I try to ignore concerns or force myself into optimistic thinking, the worse they rear their head and sabotage me later ...but if I can focus in on and laugh about them, or otherwise just generally _feel_ better about them - I can stay more present with my thoughts, and with problem solving.

I'm not a die hard astrology advocate, but this was my horoscope yesterday and today... kinda funny:

_Sagittarius:

You're in an extra-weird mood and possibly feeling off balance -- but that's all. So why are you trying so hard to make sure that what you're feeling isn't seen as a big deal? Dismissing your emotions right now isn't the best course of action (it rarely is), though superficially it may seem like the easiest thing for you to do. Try instead to take a good, long look at what's really going on in your heart.

Mysteries and secrets have captured your full attention right now, and with good reason. Your subconscious is working on untying a few knots that make your own life too restrictive. Don't worry about making them more snarled and confused -- instead, take your conscious mind offline for a while. Work on a jigsaw puzzle, get friends together for word games or just go see an absorbing movie. The innermost mechanisms of your heart and soul are at work on the problem.​_


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## Veggie

Yesterday:

- Grande pumpkin spice latte
- Starbucks turkey bacon-egg white sandwich
- Hot wings with ranch and celery (I noticed I kinda naturally went much lighter on the dipping sauce)
- 2 Moscow mules
- Pinot Grigio

...I think I found a couple positive motivations. I might see Cirque Soleil next weekend with a couple people, and I looked up the theme out of curiosity. Luzia - A Waking Dream of Mexico.






I went to get food and drinks trying to figure out what precisely about that video inspired me, but then my thoughts became a jumbled mess and I ended up just coming home and talking on the phone with a dude friend for pretty much the rest of the night instead. Well, on Skype. (I went on cam and noticed that my face looked a little different, which was sorta cool. Sidenote - I think I have a solution for this weekend. I always end up getting picked up and then placed in some weird situation - which is fun at first but then usually gets complicated and undesirable - when I make these sorts of decisions... which I'm not opposed to, but that's really not my intention. I just want to get out and be around people and good ambiance and new energy. So I might go as Jessica, the lesbian who's lover stood her up on a Halloween trip. I'm laughing about this as also potentially being a very bad idea, and the response is just basically... well, whatever happens will be interesting at least. lol. (Side side note - I really need to join some sort of something where I can hopefully meet some single friends to get out with. Everyone's coupled off now, possibly with kids). AND. I'm realizing that kind of fits the theme of where my thoughts were at dinner).

So - I love the acrobatic energy. The pushing for these incredible physical feats. The lack of, or at least the overcoming of, fear. I've started becoming too fearful, generally. (Well, and for good reason. I've done a lot of risky, questionable things and suffered their consequences. Where's the line between stupidity and bravery? lol). I don't want this steady homeostasis, ultimately. I want, like... next level. To go beyond mediocrity. I want interesting. And you have to leave your comfort zone to get there. 

(I like the theatrics too. I was a theatre major in college. I think there's also a part of me that worries becoming too focused on the world of the jock or something means that I'll lose my inner arteest. lol. But obviously life and people aren't that black and white. Further - I've developed some resentment when it comes to physical expectations in women (which I think I've more or less said). The differences in healthy body fat percentages between guys and chicks is vast. I sort of associate going to the gym with some dude patting me on the head and telling me what a good little girl I am, the more I transform my body to look like his. Such a trooper!!)

But my body doesn't have to be either "feminine" or "masculine" - it's unique. And I don't want to place myself into some box of limitations. I was watching these interviews with Ashley Graham. I think she's gorgeous. The YT comments are downright vicious though. lol. But if it wasn't her weight I'm sure it would be something else to pick on her about. 









I've never been nearly as big as she is, while she's gone on record saying she's more or less always been a heavier, curvier girl. So despite admiring it, I can't really get behind her particular mode of body acceptance. Carrying extra weight doesn't feel like I am accepting me (and I don't personally feel like going through life crusading against fat shaming, honestly. Not my journey. It's such an easier fix for me to just lose it - this has been more or less much less difficult than I was expecting, now that I'm more in tune with where resistance is stemming from). We have different body types. I need to continue trying to accept mine... and my looks generally. (Did you know that if you're taller than 5'7" you could never aspire to be a Disney park princess character actress? lol. You're instantly lumped into the villain category in auditions. Like you're seen as this unnatural evil preying mantis. Though it was brought to my attention that Victoria's Secret models are a good mix of tall, slim, and still feminine without a ton of boob or butt... and they're definitely seen as desirable). (I probably am too hard on myself too. Been thinking about that. Actually - I started remembering back to the last dude I dated. At one point he looked at me very appreciatively and told me unprompted that I'm "smoking hot" - haha).

Um. What else. Ooh. Yea. I haven't been diagnosed, but I fit the DSM V criteria for PTSD. I kinda meditated on what I'd said about feeling underlying dread when I'm not on my toes. Could I stand to release some of that? I'm not obese, but I found this interesting, as more positive motivation:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/23382106

_Abstract
OBJECTIVE:
Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) has frequently been found to have an effect on the development of obesity, a relationship usually thought of as unidirectional. The purpose of this study was to examine whether the level of PTSD symptoms would decrease as a result of weight loss.
METHOD:
In a repeated measures design, PTSD symptoms, depression symptoms, social support, and weight were assessed in obese participants during 16 weeks at a weight loss facility.
RESULTS:
The participants' body mass index decreased significantly, and concurrently, a significant decline in the level of PTSD symptoms and depression symptoms was observed.
CONCLUSIONS:
The beneficial effects of weight loss on depression are consistent with previous work. The decline in the level of PTSD symptoms simultaneously with weight loss is an important and positive effect that has not been reported previously.​_
I'm still trying to figure out this water weight issue too (is there a duh answer I'm missing? lol). (Does the number just naturally increase as body fat decreases as then taking up more of your body?) I guess ultimately it's not that important.


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## Veggie

Something about my post yesterday took it out of me. Like I'd just finished a paper for school and I needed to reward myself afterwards. (Not entirely sure why, as I write novella like posts on this site all the time. lol). So it was pretty much a cheat day (or, well, especially so, since I've been loose with eating plans generally).

- Hot wings with ranch and celery
- Panko fried shrimp
- 2 Moscow mules
- Pinot Grigio
- A few sips of a vodka soda
- 2 bread rolls with parm cheese
- About half a plate (less?) of fettucine alfredo
- Fountain diet coke
- Water

Kinda regretted the pasta - made me sick. I felt really good waking up this morning though (...but did gain back a pound and a half). Like I've gotten some stuff out of my system and I'm feeling renewed and ready to get more serious about this again.


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## And1

You'll meet your goals. There are several diet/exercise loggers here and I'm rooting for each one of you to meet your goals and have a rewarding journey along the way. Keep going!


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## Veggie

And1 said:


> Keep going!


That's the plan, haha. But I appreciate the support


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## Veggie

Yesterday:

- Water
- Seafood salad
- Tuna salad

I just drank water until about 5 pm and then had small portions of the fish... then more water. Scale hasn't budged at all today (and I feel a little bloated) - same exact spot (though body fat percentage is very slightly lower). It was rainy and freezing cold yesterday (well, it was like 45-50 degrees. I guess I've definitely acclimated to southern weather if that feels like it's "freezing cold" to me now. lol) so I stayed in.

Still thinking about going somewhere for actual Halloween. Might be a better plan, actually... beat some of the weekend crowds, get a better hotel deal. Curious what a Tuesday night holiday will look like.


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## Veggie

Today:

- Starbucks turkey bacon-egg white sandwich
- Venti nonfat lightly sweetened iced chai latte
- Turkey wrap
- Oatmeal with agave syrup
- Water

Went a little heavier on the carbs today. At least I didn't overload with the calories or fat though, and I crossed some things off the to do list. I seriously just wanted to stay in bed under like eight comforters (which unfortunately I do not have... ). I've taken a break from online dating since this summer, but then I got matched with two dudes on Tinder I'd totally forgotten about. I swiped on them before, and then I got discouraged because I wasn't matching with my top picks (which were pretty much, like... them. lol). Then they both showed up within several hours of each other. 

Dating is always weird like that for me. It's either pouring or it's dry. (Wonder if it was some sort of algorithm thing... I'm assuming they're more highly, like, ranked (ohhh dating), as gorgeous specimens, whereas I just started (or maybe I'm just not regardless. lol. I used a single questionable picture (would that even matter?) because I just kinda wanted to mess around with it out of curiosity - though I've gotten a number of super likes, which has been nice for the ego... of course they're usually dudes I'm not instantly intrigued by). Been sticking to OkCupid, where I do pretty well. Or maybe they just hadn't been using the app or who knows. I'm so over trying to wrap my brain around dating what if's). One of them was chatting with me for a while but I couldn't muster the enthusiasm to turn on my charm game. lol. Reading about other people's dating woes on this site today was kind of funny but didn't help (though I appreciate that kinda stuff). 

I found this today and liked it in that it's motivational and yet not. haha.


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## Veggie

...so now I'm thinking about this - and more positively - and my enthusiasm is returning. I've been trying to get away from seeing dating as a game, but honestly - it works for me in keeping my energy up about it. And I'm thinking about this Tinder thing. I know (?) it's a bit of a mystery, but I think your general ranking determines who's queue's you show up in, how quickly, etc. (All I know for sure is that if you've been super liked the person shows up within about ten swipes, with a blue border around their profile). I'm pretty sure your number of matches and activity level help determine your ranking (or whatever) too, and I very rarely swipe right... which could be hurting me. (Though I started doing it more often just to see if that changed anything... and maybe it has? I've been accruing matches within this break... so I guess I haven't been taking a break from online dating altogether. I usually spend a couple minutes swiping or so if I get a notification that brings me back to the app). (And I've replied to a few messages that particularly caught my eye (between there and Cupid)... though the last dude I invested real time into what with that I learned had the same name as an ex... which is just weird to me. lol. Zap to the motivation, no date).

Maybe I will just go as myself if I get away, and try to be more open. lol. I'm maybe strange in that I actually prefer meeting dudes on dating apps though. It usually requires a bit of conversation to learn the things you can learn pretty quickly about a person online in their profile or a quick back and forth... and then you're sort of trapped (or well, more deeply entrenched) if you would otherwise pass on them. Kinda dealt with that with the last dude I was briefly talking to - who I met out and about. He wasn't really my type, but he was cute and I liked him after talking for a while, and he kept messaging me after, so I'm thinking, eh, maybe this is worth exploring. But then apparently I got really drunk and just straight up told him that he's not my type (heyo word vomit) when we went out again... which opened the door for him to hit me back. The whole situation was just really unpleasant and less controlled than I like and I've wanted to avoid something like that since. 

Happened at about the start of this log, actually. Realizing I've been pretty closed off to the dating scene since I started it. Whicchhhh actually also usually becomes a block in my hitting goals. I start withdrawing generally from things, feeling like I'm not "ready" yet until I get to this ideal place I'd like to be... which starts depressing me, and killing my energy. (And then I'll often throw all hell to the wind when it gets too low and I can't stand it anymore out of boredom). 

So, affirmation time: I don't have to be perfect to live my life. lol.


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## And1

Perfection is an ideal to strive for but not necessarily reach. Otherwise you would be bored. Life is just more fun when taken as an adventure anyway.


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## Veggie

cuddle bun said:


> The overall trend is still visible through fluctuations. It's not like weighing daily prevents anyone from seeing the long-term trend.
> 
> "Current weight" is always a range, not a single number, and weighing daily makes the full range clearly visible - some people just like that.


True. The app attached to my scale stores the numbers and keeps a list-graph of my weight and BMI (and more detailed info if I open the day), so daily helps in that instance, scrolling through.


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## Wild

cuddle bun said:


> except not really ... because last week's weigh in might have had less water retention and this week's weigh in might have had more ... or vice versa... for any reason ... even after controlling salt intake
> 
> Some people just like to weigh daily. The fluctuations are only a problem if the person weighing themselves would rather not see the fluctuations. And I personally find that odd, I mean ... fluctuations happen whether we look at them or not so what's the big deal with looking at them?
> 
> The overall trend is still visible through fluctuations. It's not like weighing daily prevents anyone from seeing the long-term trend.
> 
> "Current weight" is always a range, not a single number, and weighing daily makes the full range clearly visible - some people just like that.


Girl, you do what you wanna do. You don't have to defend your weighing preferences to me. I was just giving her my two cents because from what'd I'd read of her posts at the time, she seemed to be taking those daily fluctuations seriously as a measure of fat lost/gained. That's something many people are apt to do, and it can lead to destructive behaviors. She's not, so I don't see any problems here.


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## cuddle bun

Wild said:


> Girl, you do what you wanna do. You don't have to defend your weighing preferences to me. I was just giving her my two cents because from what'd I'd read of her posts at the time, she seemed to be taking those daily fluctuations seriously as a measure of fat lost/gained. That's something many people are apt to do, and it can lead to destructive behaviors. She's not, so I don't see any problems here.


I read her posts too though and it didn't sound like that to me. When someone weighs daily and they talk about losing a pound I always assume they're saying that with fluctuations already accounted for because saying it the long way is really a mouthful. for example if a recent unusually low day is 1lb less than the previous unusually low day, and a recent unusually high day is 1lb less than the previous unusually high day ...then that looks like a pound lost because the whole range moved. No one wants to write all that out every single time because it's a mouthful. But that's usually how we measure losses if we weigh daily. Just looking out for my girl Veggie!


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## Veggie

cuddle bun said:


> Just looking out for my girl Veggie!


I appreciate 

I use that I lost a pound with saying that the scale is going up or down pretty interchangeably. Maybe I should stick with using the second phrase solely, but at what point have you, like, "officially" (I've probably used that loosely too, lol) lost (or gained) the pound anyway? How long does the scale have to sit there for it to count? 

I guess I do also usually specify though whenever I'm at a new weight that I haven't reached before (or body fat percentage). Probably complicates it a bit that I don't feel comfortable providing the actual numbers right now... or making the math super straight forward for anyone not in possession of them :laughing: (Not that I can see someone actually caring enough to do it, haha). 

I've been reporting on it more often lately because I fell a little bit out of my goal weight range again (stupid binge eating day... ) and now I'm stuck in that same fluctuation zone I was stuck at a month ago - of about two pounds (but still down by about one from before, really). Though I was in goal weight range territory for five consecutive days (it's been nine altogether). And I've now been out of it for five consecutive days.

I've been down by about seven-eight though (additionally) for a full month - like the (fluctuating) numbers haven't touched that lost zone at all since that time. Well - no. They did slightly in the beginning once during my period looking the list over, but then dropped even lower:

Day to day - scale went up a pound, down half a pound, up two pounds, and then down four pounds (the most it's moved in a single day since I started this - gain wise it hasn't moved more than two in a day)... and then I stayed _there_ (or up to three pounds lower) for... seventeen days apparently. 

(Like before the number went above where it had dropped to with the four pound loss at all - which was kinda odd to me since that drop had seemed a little fluke-ish... but it stuck).

So yea. I've been trying to figure out, whenever I reach my goal number wise (specifically) - what do I want to consider my new goal range to encompass, exactly? (Maybe 3-5 pounds given personal trends?) (A full percentage of body fat? ...it only regularly fluctuates by micros). (I've been using the term thus far just to kind of mark a larger range (specific numbers) that I've deemed acceptable, if not the ultimate ideal. lol).

How long should I be sitting there before I declare it achieved? When should I feel that I need to take action if I fall out of it (immediately doesn't seem like a terrible idea to me personally, but idk (so do I weigh myself and measure body fat regularly forever?)... otherwise it seems too easy for it to start creeping back up by one or two pounds over time within the fluctuation). (It also might become sort of a non-issue too, and I'll be happy just to use mirror, tape measure, pants type indicators to stay on top of maintenance once I reach that point).

Kinda curious how exactly you're approaching this too now (goal considered achieved plus maintenance plan), thinking about it... if you wanna share, of course.


----------



## Veggie

Last night I unplugged from everything social media other than YouTube in an attempt at zen. I literally watched Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon videos all afternoon, evening and night. The improvisational energy was fun. So was watching all the beautiful people talk about their ambitious lives. lol. I kinda wanted to take that energy and run with it and felt an aversion to coming back to this thread... but I'm committed to it until I hit my goals. (Hopefully that happens before, like, 2022). 






(^I am just now discovering the do not read list. I might have to incorporate the anus constriction into my wellness plan - seems practical - 2:16 :laughing::laughing. (Do I smell some Christmas gift ideas in this? loll).

Sunday:

- Mini turkey wraps
- Organic DHA 2% milk
- Lots of sparkling water
- Larger turkey wrap
- Small bottle of Pinot Grigio
- 3 spiked grapefruit seltzer waters

My stomach was growling in this really satisfying way that morning - like everything was releasing and moving more efficiently - so I don't know why my response to that was - yay! My body's functioning properly again. Let's stuff it with lunch meat. lol. I start craving animal protein though when I'm upping the alcohol intake. I guess turkey felt like a healthier choice within that. (Still need to continue to re-train my body to see acceptable choices regardless as simply fish for the pescatrian goal). 

Spent the night watching Lemony Snicket (it's actually pretty good) and thinking about life. I guess it's not true that I don't want to drink much when I'm working out as a rule... remembering to when I mentioned previously that I was both jogging and imbibing every day (and eating very little, if at all) at one point. 

I wouldn't really consider myself (particularly) weight conscious then though (I have no clue what I even weighed), which is why I guess that didn't come to mind at first. I just had SO MUCH energy that I could not seem to burn through, and I couldn't tire myself out no matter what I did. I think my hobby at that time was, like, pacing. haha. (I'd just gone through the break-up of a long term relationship and I had to move back home to the small town I grew up in). So... hmm. Idk. Just something to keep in mind as I move forward I guess. Working out alone isn't necessarily going to instill better habits.

Yesterday:

- Lots of water
- 2 egg white bites
- Oatmeal with agave syrup
- Black coffee
- Carrots and garlic hummus

Judging by elimination that morning I decided I was probably officially dehydrated, so hydration took precedence over messing around with a 27% increase in diet induced thermogenesis. (lol). I took some Excedrin again. Also gained back half a pound (or, that's what the scale said at least). (Saturday I was more active in a distracted social sense though. I was on this five hour group cam call - laughing burns a lot of energy, right? Related? lol. I ate less solid foods that day too).

Today:

- 2 small veggie samosas, green bean casserole, creamed spinach, mushrooms, asparagus, brussels sprouts
- Black bean burger with lettuce, tomato, guacamole on a gluten free bun
- (Smaller) side of tater tots with lots of pepper
- 1 1/2 Moscow mules

Went down a pound again but my body fat percentage was higher than it has been the past couple days.

Went to the Whole Foods hot bar and got a little bit of a bunch of stuff. Then later I really wanted a large fry from Arby's and their jalapeno poppers... so the (not fast food or Arby's) veggie burger seemed like a good compromise for staying half on track. 

I stopped eating around 4 pm and I've stuck to water and a little bit of black coffee since. (Mmm, and took some gas-x).

Sidenote - this thread is starting to become slightly draining. I feel like it needs some 90's dance music to pump it up. lol.






Tomorrow I'm going back to restricted calorie counting.

(Also, I think I noticed that I used the wrong *your a couple posts ago. So. Corrected).


----------



## cuddle bun

Veggie said:


> Kinda curious how exactly you're approaching this too now (goal considered achieved plus maintenance plan), thinking about it... if you wanna share, of course.


I think of my "current weight" as a 5lb range and my "goal weight" would also be a 5lb range if I knew what weight corresponded to the look I want, but I don't know that, so instead I have a visual mental image of goal body fat (I have a specific pair of jeans that I want to wear without any muffin top)

how I measure changes.....i track my weight daily in an app that shows me the chart. chart looks like a bunch of scribbling because of fluctuations especially with alternate day fasting. like I mentioned the fluctuations happen with or without looking at them so I don't see any harm in looking at them. In the chart I can see how a new weight relates to the old ones. Sometimes I see that the "high" weights and "low" weights are both lower than they were a few weeks ago. If I'm well hydrated then I count that as a new current weight range. If I'm not well hydrated then I try to drink more water and see if anything changes before I officially count it.


----------



## Veggie

Yesterday I went to the Whole Foods hot bar again. They've been serving Indian food lately which is yum. I used to eat it a lot when I was vegetarian. 

Yesterday:

(Portions were basically a serving spoon of each).

- Creamed spinach
- Spinach dal
- Brussels sprouts
- Chana masala
- Green bean casserole
- Mushrooms
- Veggie samosa
- Stevia sweetened root beer
- Lots of water

I ate half there and half a few hours later when I got home. I'm not sure when exactly I stopped eating for the day - maybe around 7 pm?

This morning the scale was down two pounds again and I'm back in my weight range goal territory. I'd really like that to stick without going up again, so I'm done with screwing around with my diet again for a while.


----------



## yentipeee

We want more juicy stuff here, at least cuddle buns posts her recipes. Can you even cook?:tongue:


----------



## Veggie

yentipeee said:


> We want more juicy stuff here, at least cuddle buns posts her recipes. Can you even cook?:tongue:


I'm trying to keep preoccupation with food to a minimum atm - well, best I can within this - so I'm not worried about messing around with recipes right now. Maybe when I go home for Christmas and I have access to a more private kitchen and stuff too. There's a number of people sharing mine and usage is kinda first come first serve and hard to plan around.


----------



## Veggie

I'm just gonna do my boring food log for today now. lol. I got a bunch of stuff taken care of today and I want to keep the momentum going tomorrow. Wanna try to limit online time. Legal issues that have been stressing me out look resolved for at least a bit also, so I can start actually planning the holidays. Woo.

- Almond butter toast (2 - one with banana, one without): Ezekiel bread, organic almond butter, sliced banana, flax seeds, honey
- Half of a fresh squeezed OJ
- Third Eye Chai Kombucha
- Tall iced chestnut praline latte
- Oatmeal with agave syrup
- Egg white bites
- Water
- Hot chocolate

Less sugar tomorrow as a plan.


----------



## Veggie

So I kinda stuck to the less sugar on Friday, but I'm still eating and craving more than I'd like. I'm supposed to get my period today though so it could be related to that. I felt super bloated and it was really uncomfortable so I drank some beers for the diuretic effect. It worked and I feel like I peed seven hundred times... so at least I know I was properly hydrated again first, because otherwise that would have just compounded the situation. I went to the Whole Foods bar for breakfast and I was gonna try to do the one meal for the day thing there, but that plan didn't last long. lol. It rarely does when I eat too early. I ate about half of it all and threw the rest out.

Friday:

- Bacon (whoopsie), cheese grits, Mexican scrambled eggs with a little bit of gravy, tofu scramble, added salt and pepper
- 2 or 3 Stevia sweetened root beers
- Almond butter toast (1): Ezekiel bread, organic almond butter, sliced banana, flax seeds, honey
- Grande iced chestnut praline latte
- 6 Miller Lites
- 2 spiked grapefruit seltzer waters

Yesterday I went to the hot bar again (gonna put a cap on that for a bit now though I think, since it's hard to count calories - they list them above the selections, but that doesn't break down macros (I'd like to maybe get back to that also) and it's a little difficult to guesstimate servings). I went to Trader Joe's for grocery shopping too... and I feel like yesterday was just a lot of food. lol.

Yesterday:

- Chana masala, green bean casserole, creamed spinach, spinach dal, roasted veggie medley, piece of grilled fish (forget what kind)
- 1 or 2 Stevia sweetened root beers
- 5 oreo type cookies with mint chocolate chip ice cream filling from Trader Joe's
- A mini vanilla-raspberry frozen cream... thing
- Cottage cheese
- A sip of sparkling cranberry juice
- Water

...So I guess it really wasn't all that much. Felt like it though. (I ate the Whole Foods stuff throughout the day and finished it this morning). My tummy is starting to protrude a little too - I know it's not likely constipation related because that situation has been especially efficient over the past several days. I might do the cleanse pills again anyway. Limiting them to once a (that time of the) month seems like a fair compromise. I feel like they help to keep internal pressure in check. I don't know exactly how to describe what I mean by that. Maybe it's some sort of gas-water retention thing... not really sure. I feel like it might have something to do with the lymphatic system also, but I forget how I came to that hypothesis, lol. I kinda liken it to talking about "breaking the seal" when I'd drink with girl friends in college. ("If you pee now you'll break your seal and be peeing all night!" lol). But yea, it's like it breaks some sort of seal. Probably one of those folk-y kinda things, but, eh. Whatever works.

I'd also like to trigger my period as soon as possible and I'd like it gone by next weekend, ideally. I was a shut in this weekend. A girl friend wanted to grab dinner and see a movie yesterday but I told her that I might be hanging out with a dude. Then I was talking to a couple guys on Tinder but I said I was gonna maybe see a movie with a girl friend. Shade ball moves. lol. (Not technically lies though... I was maybe gonna do those things ). Instead I just watched an Arrested Development marathon.






^That made me laugh btw. "Hot Ham Water" :laughing: I'm thinking that messing around with recipes over Christmas might actually be a fun idea. I don't really cook. I start getting ambitious with that too sometimes when I go into these modes - but I told myself that it's not priority. My goal isn't domesticity right now, and my aim is to simplify. lol. But it's nice to have a couple fresh go to dishes. Getting in the kitchen more often might be a plan once I'm doing everything else I'm supposed to do (so, gym) and when/if I hit another plateau. 

I also think I was a little more buzzed than I realized Friday. I woke up to the League of Shadows scene in Batman Begins on my laptop and had an ummm moment where I'm remembering how much it had spoken to me the night before. ("Omg, how did I forget how brilliant this was?!" xD).






I have thoughts pertaining to enneagram, the harnessing of energy, etc - but I don't feel like going into that all right now. 

I found this too the other day and liked it:









...it's impact had something to do with the struggle of wanting to follow goals linearly like I was saying before - to lay low (and be slightly invisible until they're accomplished?) - and wanting to stay open to life.


----------



## Veggie

Food Today:

- Rest of the Whole Foods... food from yesterday (not much)
- 7 mint chocolate chip ice cream cookie things
- Mini raspberry-vanilla cream bar
- Cottage cheese
- Nonfat Greek honey yogurt
- Sparkling cranberry juice
- Water

...Took the cleanse pills and I can feel the herbal blend kicking in. Gives me this crazy energy and makes me feel sharper. But I'm trying to wind down regardless. I've actually been pretty good with my sleep schedule (and quality, yay) lately.


----------



## Veggie

Food Logs (before I forget) -

Yesterday:

- Kombucha
- Egg, lettuce, tomato, lox, provolone cheese, butter on rye bread
- Ten boneless hot wings with ranch and celery 
- Moscow mule
- Vodka soda
- Sparkling cranberry juice
- 3 Emergen-C's and a lot of water

Today:

- Kombucha
- Like 1/4 of a grande iced chestnut praline latte
- Half of a peppermint-chocolate cake pop
- Egg white bites
- Oatmeal with agave syrup
- Sparkling water
- Cottage cheese
- Nonfat Greek honey yogurt


----------



## Veggie

I'm wondering if I want to do away with the daily food logs. I wasn't food focused at all the past couple days and it was nice. I think I only had oatmeal, a Starbucks breakfast sandwich, some cottage cheese, and sashimi (plus a few drinks) in all. Stomach is flat again, and my lady friend came Wednesday (lighter this month). Scale went down three pounds yesterday and my body fat dropped by a decent bit too (and stayed there today). It might be nice to keep track of though as we move into the holidays... I don't know, will see. But yea, I'm wanting to move away from a focus on what I eat and more how I eat, when, etc - more a moment to moment dropping into my body.

I'm still struggling with mornings. I have an alarm app that makes me do math problems to turn it off, but I'm starting to adjust to doing them half asleep. Need to up the quantity and difficulty I think. It's also frustrating the crazy dreams I have pretty much every night. Tuesday I stopped eating or drinking nearly seven hours before I fell asleep - no sugar, no alcohol, etc - and I still had these bizarre lucid dreams. I love dreaming, but it makes my mood upon waking up nearly impossible to predict. I don't know what the solution there is. I'd gotten super organized in trying to prep for a good morning Wednesday, but then I woke up feeling emotional from dream time, and to a phone call I was groggy for from a friend telling me about this cbd-chakra massage he'd done out in Denver... plus a random text from this guy I used to date. I was pretty immediately in a completely different frame of mind than I'd been in prepping the night before. This staying open-staying focused balance is really hard to achieve. lol.


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## cuddle bun

I know what you mean, I have a love hate relationship with public food logging. although for me it is probably for different reasons compared to you. In the beginning, public food logging makes me want to eat less so that I can appear somewhat normal (due to the fact that "normal" for me is a lot more calories compared to "normal" for other people my size). then over time if I keep that up I feel so deprived and it makes a major slip up a lot more likely when I feel deprived. so lately I'm still logging my food but privately in a photo food log app on my phone....i like that.


----------



## Veggie

Last night's dream was bad. I woke up to a dream within a dream so I was confused at first about whether I was actually dreaming... tip off was that I woke up in my old room at my parent's house, though. I went to reach over to my nightstand and my hand brushed a person. This intruder who had been standing above me then pinned me to the bed and proceeded to plunge this very long blade into the side of my abdomen. My senses are awake in lucid dreams so this actually hurt. The blade was stuck in my stomach for a while afterwards in dream land, until my body somehow pushed it out - which was even more painful as I went to bandage it. I haven't had one like that in a while... though I used to be prone to them when I was badly insomniac - prob one of the reasons I didn't want to fall asleep. The worst was when I'd been shot in a mass shooting and I could feel my body going cold as I laid in a puddle of blood. Yikes.

I went to bed in a happy mood last night so I don't even know. I looked up it's meaning out of curiosity, and apparently stab wounds to the abdomen can represent repressed emotion and instinct. I'm kind of wanting to schedule a massage or some sort of alternative holistic treatment - been thinking about that since the cbd-chakra phone call. I used to get them all the time when I was working as a therapist - I had an exchange system with co-workers. But it's been a while now. I do think there could be something to the New Age-y concept of how the body "stores" ...for lack of a better word... emotion. I personally experienced some things like this on various tables, and I noted it in clients. 

Yesterday I didn't eat much again. Half a piece of grilled salmon, Parmesan zucchini, and a small Caesar salad around lunch time. I've had a lot of nervous energy, but necessarily in a bad way. I'm feeling more alert and awake. I think I'm just gonna ride it out - without viewing it as either negative or positive. Just "use it!" as an acting teacher used to always advise. lol. Hopefully let it take me back to more of a mind over matter place.


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## Veggie

So it was suggested that the crazy dreams could be a result of mineral deficiency, but looking into this, mineral supplementation actually seems to cause vivid dreams (namely magnesium I think), and a deficiency would more likely contribute to wakefulness. I don't usually take supplements, so maybe I've just been well balanced in that department. I've been having fairly regular lucid dreams for as long as I can remember though - since I was a kid... pretty much regardless of diet. 

I read that lower cortisol can basically result in more melatonin production, so maybe my propensity for relaxation isn't necessarily a terrible thing xD I don't love my overall body fat percentage, but my visceral fat - the dangerous belly fat associated with cortisol (I believe) - falls in the optimal 1-4 range. (Subcutaneous belly fat seems to be low too. My waistline is pretty trim). So the fact that I get them doesn't seem to indicate anything that needs fixing health wise.

Despite not loving the dream itself the other night, I did wake up feeling renewed. No brain fog. With chakras on my mind I went to some spiritual sites out of curiosity, and assuming there's anything to them (hey, maybe) I read something more or less suggesting that the dream was actually an opening of my solar plexus chakra. This is the chakra associated with self confidence and power, and I did fall asleep feeling especially confident that night... I like spinning it this way, so I'ma go with it  Will probably schedule some sort of appointment soon anyway tho.

Solar Plexus Chakra - Manipura

_The third chakra is the center of your self-esteem, your willpower, self-discipline, as well as warmth in your personality.

The energy of this chakra allows you to transform inertia into action and movement. It allows you to meet challenges and move forward in your life.

The main challenge for the third chakra is to use your personal power in a balanced manner.​_
I like the self discipline aspect. One thing that gets me in trouble beyond general unpredictable moodiness is wanting to log my dreams while I still remember them in detail. I go to the more creative part of mind, and suddenly time has escaped me, and I've fallen away from my schedule... kinda setting a bad tone for the day (?) Maybe I'll start jotting down cliff notes or something, lol, and come back to them later. It's kinda funny though... I was remembering talking to this dude who was really good with mornings, regardless of how late he'd stay out or up. I was asking him how he does it, expecting some great life hack answer, and his response was just - "it's very uncomfortable" - haha. I prob need to embrace discomfort more. It's hard for me to shift gears.

Yesterday I had salmon and Parmesan zucchini again, plus a nonfat Greek honey yogurt, two mini raspberry-vanilla cream bars, and a few beers. The scale was down about two and a half pounds this morning, and I'm at a new lowest weight today


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## cuddle bun

oh wow that is quite a dream! I wonder if it's just the calorie deficit causing it ...if so that would explain mine too because I remember having some very vivid dreams in late August/early September when I started alternate day fasting in a calorie deficit (extremely vivid - complete with sleepwalking and auditory hallucinations while I was sleepwalking lol). And I haven't had those recently but I also haven't really been in a calorie deficit recently like I was in September.


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## Veggie

cuddle bun said:


> oh wow that is quite a dream! I wonder if it's just the calorie deficit causing it ...if so that would explain mine too because I remember having some very vivid dreams in late August/early September when I started alternate day fasting in a calorie deficit (extremely vivid - complete with sleepwalking and auditory hallucinations while I was sleepwalking lol). And I haven't had those recently but I also haven't really been in a calorie deficit recently like I was in September.


It could be amplifying them. I had a friend who had a lot of crazy dreaming experiences too, and he said that they would get more intense when he'd go on extreme diets before fighting matches and what not. 

Random, but I miss my flying dreams. I used to get them pretty much every night and they were awesome. lol. Dreams have gotten darker overall in recent years. I used to have more control in lucidity period really... hmm. 

I actually slept walked also when I was trying IF earlier in this thread. (Kinda freaked me out, haha). I used to do it a lot when I was a kid too. My sister has this story about waking up to me sitting on the edge of her sleeping bag, watching her sleep. She said it was the eeriest thing until she realized I was sleeping. lol.


----------



## Veggie

I feel like dung today. I really don't know what's been up with my appetite or energy. Yesterday I had the salmon and zucchini again, and about six grilled shrimp. Today I couldn't even finish my oatmeal at lunch. I made myself eat a little more at dinner (part of a broccoli-mushroom-pepper quiche, a few sea salt potato chips, and milk) and now I just feel sick. At least I don't feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin anymore tho, lol. I also slept on my neck wrong last night, and it's super tender and ow.


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## cuddle bun

I'm sorry about your grandmother's death. <3 death truly sucks.


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## Veggie

cuddle bun said:


> I'm sorry about your grandmother's death. <3 death truly sucks.


Thanks


----------



## Veggie

The meals are pretty good taste wise, fresh, and they're filling too. They accidentally gave me one I didn't order though, in place of a salmon burger that I was kind of looking forward to. Eh well. I hope that doesn't happen a lot. Nothing I can really do about it. It was this beef dish, and I ate that first, just in case it made me sick - I didn't wanna do it later in the week when I was hopefully feeling better, more pure, lol - but it didn't, luckily. Coming off vegetarianism red meat used to make me vomit, but I guess I can stomach it now. I do eat pork at times. 

I've also had blackened salmon (yesterday) and these mahi mahi fish tacos (today). I think my favorite's been this egg white omelet that came with a bunch of roasted potatoes (Monday). I was actually surprised that one was only four hundred calories. I skipped breakfast yesterday and today, but I can do one of them on Thursday morning, since Monday's breakfast (which I ate as lunch) was technically supposed to be Thursday's, before picking up the second batch for the week. I might do the other one for dinner tonight. Other than the prepped food I've just had some drinks.

The liquid snot on Monday made me feel better lol. Drank lots of water too. My tummy quickly flattened back out, and I was cracking my back and what not again, so the stiffness went away. I got my period yesterday, which I'd forgotten was coming, so some of the bloating over the weekend may have been PMS related also.

I went out with this dude last night who saved me from deleting my dating accounts. lol. That was good for the confidence. Physically he's my type - especially masculine looking and I like his face, haha. Personality wise he is too. Playful, fun, still parties, but owns a small business and has it together. He'd sent this cute message over the weekend, but I didn't respond because it didn't really seem like the time for some flirtatious exchange. I'd forgotten about it, but then I saw that he'd sent a follow up message, and we started chatting. 

I'm kind of glad I got some of my complaints out of my system what with this all, because it makes it easier to sort of assert myself with that awareness. About halfway through the exchange he asked if I were catfishing, and I laughed pretty hard, since I'd just been talking about that. I sent another picture and when he asked if I had any more I just sort of made a joke about it and he didn't press the issue. Maybe the smoothest I've handled that yet. Sending a bunch to someone I don't know yet just bothers me, idk. The catfishing thing is almost like an icebreaker sometimes too. Gets some of that paranoia out in the open. lol. At one point we were just sending each other creepy emoji's xD But then I guess we decided we could trust each other.

We kinda made plans to hang out again, but we didn't set a date, and I'm wondering if we will. One of my dealbreakers is dads. I'm not ready for an insta-family. He's not one, but he's sort of a father figure to an ex's daughter. She's a part of some whole world that I don't know if I'm comfortable with either. He was showing me this webseries she does on YouTube, and he said she's probably gonna be in a fairly well known reality show. I have some actor friends so I don't know what exactly about that made me uncomfortable. Maybe the reality show aspect? Again, not entirely sure why. 

I told him that it's sort of a dealbreaker of mine and he kinda tried to ease my mind. We were having beers and stuff though so maybe he'll decide on a sober brain that he doesn't want to deal with someone who feels that way. idk. It is kind of a unique situation though. I guess we'll see what happens. Not sure if I should pursue it if he doesn't. But I'm not necessarily looking for anything serious either, so. Regardless, it was a positive experience for getting back in the game


----------



## cuddle bun

awwww your new man friend sounds promising  it's good to see you enjoying yourself  I'm glad you like the food delivery thing too ...which one did you get? I'm starting to wonder how I lived without that. I always liked to avoid food waste and avoid meal planning, but without the recipe delivery thing that basically meant for me eating mostly nonperishable stuff and eating the same exact thing almost every day. vs. now actually eating a lot more variety with a lot more vegetables, yet still not needing to plan it and still avoiding food waste. to me that difference seems worth it.


----------



## Veggie

cuddle bun said:


> awwww your new man friend sounds promising  it's good to see you enjoying yourself


Haha, thanks. I still kinda recoil at the thought of "my man" even with the word friend attached to it. lol. I struggle with both wanting my independence, and wanting to fall for someone again. I've been basically single for a long time now though, and I don't hate it (well, other than that physical needs suffer at times). It's a little annoying to me how often potentially weird ex stuff comes up in dating too. I don't have any ties to mine, and I'm well past a rebound period. That's not true for many people in this age range though I guess. 

But I'm not going to get ahead of myself. He kinda reassured me for the time being (when I told him about the dealbreaker thing he sorta had this oh no look, and then he told me that he thought we had chemistry and that he was physically attracted, which both run high in importance for me too. So long as the person isn't particularly straightlaced (which is fine, just not probably compatible for me personally), I figure lifestyle stuff can work itself out. But the dad thing particularly... I don't think it's like he has her on weekends or holidays or anything like that? And I do give him props for maintaining a relationship, because he was there during a lot of her early childhood. So grey... lol. Yea though. Not gonna get ahead of myself. He did text last night so will prob just go with it for now).



cuddle bun said:


> I'm glad you like the food delivery thing too ...which one did you get? I'm starting to wonder how I lived without that. I always liked to avoid food waste and avoid meal planning, but without the recipe delivery thing that basically meant for me eating mostly nonperishable stuff and eating the same exact thing almost every day. vs. now actually eating a lot more variety with a lot more vegetables, yet still not needing to plan it and still avoiding food waste. to me that difference seems worth it.


I'm doing a local service, Fresh N Fit Cuisine. And yea, you definitely sold me on the idea, haha. 

I actually am a little bit worried about food waste (meals piling up), because I'm so moody and erratic with my eating, but I figure it'll work itself out. Like, I only did one meal Tuesday, but then I did three yesterday (which at four hundred calories each, still puts me in my caloric goal), and I'm not missing the breakfast I was originally saving for this morning. I'm not a big breakfast person generally, but I do like breakfast foods, lol. So I went with breakfast-lunch as opposed to lunch-dinner. It's definitely good for getting me back on track and more calorie conscious again, if nothing else. (And it's nice not to have to count so vigilantly throughout the day).


----------



## cuddle bun

Veggie said:


> Haha, thanks. I still kinda recoil at the thought of "my man" even with the word friend attached to it. lol. I struggle with both wanting my independence, and wanting to fall for someone again. I've been basically single for a long time now though, and I don't hate it (well, other than that physical needs suffer at times). It's a little annoying to me how often potentially weird ex stuff comes up in dating too. I don't have any ties to mine, and I'm well past a rebound period. That's not true for many people in this age range though I guess.
> 
> But I'm not going to get ahead of myself. He kinda reassured me for the time being (when I told him about the dealbreaker thing he sorta had this oh no look, and then he told me that he thought we had chemistry and that he was physically attracted, which both run high in importance for me too. So long as the person isn't particularly straightlaced (which is fine, just not probably compatible for me personally), I figure lifestyle stuff can work itself out. But the dad thing particularly... I don't think it's like he has her on weekends or holidays or anything like that? And I do give him props for maintaining a relationship, because he was there during a lot of her early childhood. So grey... lol. Yea though. Not gonna get ahead of myself. He did text last night so will prob just go with it for now).
> 
> 
> 
> I'm doing a local service, Fresh N Fit Cuisine. And yea, you definitely sold me on the idea, haha.
> 
> I actually am a little bit worried about food waste (meals piling up), because I'm so moody and erratic with my eating, but I figure it'll work itself out. Like, I only did one meal Tuesday, but then I did three yesterday (which at four hundred calories each, still puts me in my caloric goal), and I'm not missing the breakfast I was originally saving for this morning. I'm not a big breakfast person generally, but I do like breakfast foods, lol. So I went with breakfast-lunch as opposed to lunch-dinner. It's definitely good for getting me back on track and more calorie conscious again, if nothing else. (And it's nice not to have to count so vigilantly throughout the day).


the local kind sounds nice  I am also shying away from guys who give me an "instafamily" vibe ... Guys who have kids but are not still in a relationship with the mother.... I can't decide if I have fully ruled that out but it does definitely bother me. just seems iffy that they made that commitment and then later gave up on it. my head resists that like "if they gave up once, then they might give up again" - can't help it. bothers me. and I am probably in that category of people who have ex issues lol. having trouble letting go of ex emotionally because it wasn't like an argument, it was more like I'm just not religious enough for him, with the added irony that I would like to be more spiritually developed but don't know how. my INFP ex thinks I need an ESFP and I think I need another INFP because we connected so well in all ways except that one.


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## Veggie

cuddle bun said:


> the local kind sounds nice  I am also shying away from guys who give me an "instafamily" vibe ... Guys who have kids but are not still in a relationship with the mother.... I can't decide if I have fully ruled that out but it does definitely bother me. just seems iffy that they made that commitment and then later gave up on it. my head resists that like "if they gave up once, then they might give up again" - can't help it. bothers me. and I am probably in that category of people who have ex issues lol. having trouble letting go of ex emotionally because it wasn't like an argument, it was more like I'm just not religious enough for him, with the added irony that I would like to be more spiritually developed but don't know how. my INFP ex thinks I need an ESFP and I think I need another INFP because we connected so well in all ways except that one.


I'm glad I'm not the only one, lol. I've had dudes act like I'm this evil, selfish, child hating person for that before. I honestly really love kids though. Maybe I also don't want to deal with the extra potential attachment, on top of the lifestyle. I nannied all through college, and I still have nightmares about those kids sometimes. We bonded and now they're just gone. Actually, I just had one the other night. Realizing now it may have been spurred by this. I was with these two little girls I used to watch (prob not so little now, gawd, don't wanna think about that either xD Time is a b) and then I just put them in a car with a strange woman and waved good-bye. Afterwards I was afraid I was going to be arrested? lol. Woke up kinda panicking. 

And yea I read some of your ex stuff  I'm sorry you're going through that. NFP's are supposed to be your match MBTI wise  I don't know if I believe in all that anymore though. I was curious about the NFJ/NTP prophecy for a while too, lol, but I don't find myself trying to type people I meet anymore. I hope you find another one better suited if that's what you want though, haha


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## Veggie

So I have less than twelve hours left to plan and order meals within this service for next week but I don't know if I'm gonna do it. My eating has been more erratic than ever. There have been days where I haven't eaten, and then days where I've piled 'em up. I started feeling especially bloated today since I haven't been as moody or intuitive? with what I eat moment to moment specifically (before today, the only food cheat outside of the meal plan was a Caesar salad. I'm usually fairly good about minimizing bloat within moods if I'm tuned in, lol. Today I tried to pack in a perfect storm of sodium, water, coffee, protein, vitamin C, carbs, etc just eating whatever I wanted... and the bloat actually did go away by this evening). I didn't pick up my second batch (I can apparently still do it tomorrow, picked up the first batch for the week a day pushed back as well), and I might just see how long that one lasts without the pressure to finish it when I do. Make the plan or not for the following week dependent on that.

I do feel overall better and more directed again though. And I weighed myself this morning and I'm still weighing in at the (exact) same place as a couple months ago, and since. So still, not gaining it all back since I started this.

Things felt weird with the one dude so I'm pretty sure that's done. I started really talking to another guy with similar vibes (and as far as I know, no weird ex situation) last weekend (grade A in physical attraction so far too, lol). We both stayed in and watched Love and were messaging each other about it. haha. I've never really known a dude to be into that show, but it's one of my faves, so it was kind of fun. Based on what he was saying I trust that he was in fact a prior viewer. lol. They just released the final season. 

(And since I'm obviously into trailers, lol):






I like how... in the moment is. I just found out that someone who used to be a close friend of mine landed some potentially and supposedly kinda big acting role they're not allowed to talk about atm. I'm genuinely happy for them, but it sorta makes me want to retreat even further into this cautious hole I've been digging since the increase of social media. Where is the line between public-private? Idk. Just try to let life unfold, self. Easier said than done sometimes.... I could prob go on about these feels for a while but I'ma shut up. For whatever reason I found that trailer comforting and expressive enough in itself in a somewhat related way?

Hopefully my face is done peeling off. I started using retinol again for the first time in years, and I ignored the warning about working up to the level I went with because I'm far too impatient. lol. I thought I'd deal with some irritation, like, the day after, but it's been this ongoing increase of redness and flakiness over the past week :frustrating: Luckily, it seems like it's finally about finished today, fingers crossed, cus I'm supposed to go out with new dude tomorrow. The places that have seemed to.. settle? though do already look better. I feel like I lost a few years in my forehead alone. lol. It's supposed to take a while before you see results, but I did kinda jump right in with it, so. I swear it's not just my imagination. I might go to Sephora tomorrow morning and up my contour game too. It's easier to stick to this stuff when I'm already feeling good about how I look.


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## Veggie

And edit. Not even really an overshare but just shut it me. lol.


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## Veggie

Yesterday I just had crackers and a small container of Pringles. Stomach sorta hurt. Well, and drinks and this, like, hipster version of corn on the cob on the date. lol. That went well. We went to this kinda artsy bowling alley downtown with a full bar and a live band. I wrote this small wall of text trying to keep details discreet but then I erased even that. Something about the reality show declaration from the one dude and the news about my friend makes me feel especially weird about throwing the private onto this here public forum lately. lol. Even under a sorta pseudonym on an obscure site being careful what I say. I feel more exposed by association or something, even if that's half irrational. I've always felt kinda paranoid sharing here regardless. Started at the recommendation of a therapist. 

Writing it out helped me to get a handle on my thoughts and feels anyway. So I'll just say that he's different than most guys I date, but he didn't have bad energy. Sorta zen really. 

I heard from the other dude on the date. The male radar that goes off when you go out with someone else is alive and real. lol. He was kinda hard to ignore and there's still some interest, so I did respond, but briefly and discreetly. I'm really trying hard not to overthink anything (well, this post so far sorta points to the opposite, lol, but I am at least trying) and just go with the flow of life right now. 

Supposed to go hiking with last night date dude tomorrow, which will be nice for getting my butt more active again. Will try to keep the momentum going into the week. So I decided against drinking festivities tonight. (Some of the St. Patty's stuff was going on yesterday anyway). Instead I've been laying around eating comfort food. So good after a couple weeks of lower calorie meals. Had a veggie and black bean quesadilla, curly fries, and jalapeno poppers. Lots of water too though.


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## Veggie

Went on the evening hike yesterday and I felt kinda out of shape, but not too bad. I wasn't huffing and puffing so much that I couldn't carry a conversation, I wasn't really sweating, I wasn't red in the face, I was keeping up, nothing too embarrassing :laughing: We did stop to sit a few times, but that's not necessarily abnormal on that trail. More of a need to catch your breath when you're trying to talk the whole time too. 

There's no love connection-romantic spark in person for me. I kinda already knew that after Friday, but the whole outdoorsy thing seemed to be more so his environment, so when he suggested it I got curious if he would appear to me in a different light or something? I felt the same way again though, and I decided I wasn't gonna press the issue. I didn't put a ton of effort into keeping conversation going myself - sorta let him lead - or in even making eye contact, but I attempted to keep it more or less pleasant. I've tried to, like, "create" the spark before with guys I get along with otherwise and that never works, so application of lessons learned. lol. Hoping a mutual ghosting is the result. Gave a quick decisive hug at the car in a way that dissuaded lingering and maybe gave off certain vibes and that was that. 

But who knows, maybe he felt the same way at that point (why can't this chick make a straight shot up the mountain? lol) and it wouldn't have been an issue. It's hard to tell with dudes who aren't more physically aggressive, and that turns me off regardless. (It sounded like he maybe wasn't a stranger to the friend-zone though? Idk really. And he wasn't seemingly all that aggressive otherwise either. Noticed this weird phenomenon with other dudes (the types I usually date who did seem more so that way) when we were out before. They weren't really blatantly hitting on me, but there was something going on energetically that I'm not used to when I'm obviously (?) with someone (he seemed half oblivious). Our Uber driver straight up threw shade at him too. lol. He handled it well, and I was trying to be progressive (see, there's power in passivity), but, eh (though true I guess). I was also kinda taking the reigns in a few ways more than I normally would (which was confusing, because I both liked it and didn't). 

As much as I hate the possessiveness and domination that can come along with it, feeling like an appendage to a boy's club, feeling maybe slightly diminished (I've been on my own now for a long time and being assertive and even slightly aggressive myself comes pretty naturally to me)... I am attracted to a certain brand of... command. 

Yesterday I ate healthier again, and stuck to the meal service. A spinach and ricotta omelet, a few sausage links, and a black bean burger with a small side of potato salad.


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## Veggie

I haven't logged in a while and it seems like a good time to restart, since the weekend officially marked the start of swimsuit season. Which is slightly cruel since it's also, like, bbq weekend. lol. Guess it helps to fuel the awareness afterwards. I'm really craving going veggie again. There was so much meat everywhere, and it was wrecking my stomach. My landlord grilled up a ton, and then I went to my cousin's (got to meet his new baby!) and to the dude's I've been seeing. I'm still talking to the father figure but not really a dad guy who owns the business. We haven't had an official exclusivity talk (though I've been referred to as his girl a few times, and I'm not entirely sure how to feel about that), but I haven't been using my dating apps either. 

Trying to keep it simple. I like him and I like hanging out with him. He witnessed my more combative, argumentative side on Saturday, and he handled that well and respectfully, which was attractive too. He had some friends over and everyone was partying pretty hard. This one dude was going on about the 48 laws of power, and we kinda got into it. My ongoing emotions as of late about dominance, violence, possession and control reared their head. He managed to mediate and control the situation without really being controlling (or a dick) though, and it was hot. lol. Found myself having some peaceful thoughts about compromise afterwards. It's been an encouraging situation. He's been good energy for me. I don't really type people anymore, but if I were to, I'd say he has to be some variation of ExTP. Yesterday was rainy and we spent most of the day just laying around watching stand-up and that was nice too. I had some other plans but I just nixed them. Feeling more spontaneous in less of a chaotic way.

Ready to get more physically conscious again. The past couple months have still been more introspective health wise (some decent psychological break through's though it feels like), but I have made some strides otherwise. I bought a weighted blanket (about twenty pounds) and that's helped with my sleep quality and my anxiety. Other than going on video with family, I've stayed away from Skype and online chatting almost 100% over the last couple of months, and I've been better with managing my time. I've cut out wine and the like at night almost completely too. I've been struggling with cutting out vaping a bit (officially trying), but I've managed days without. If I'm out and about I try to just leave it at home, and I find that I don't really think about it much when I do. Hoping that as I continue to change habits generally that habit just sorta falls away.

I've kept up with the skincare routine and the retinol isn't irritating my face as much anymore. So long as I'm consistent with using serums at certain times I'm fine. I've been avoiding the sun a little since it's supposed to make the skin more sensitive to UV, but I got an SPF through Clinique that I'ma start using daily, because I'm ready to get some summer sun and build some semblance of a base tan. Want to get outdoors as much as possible this week.

I've stopped the meal service and I've found myself doing a lot of unintentional intermittent fasting. Day of fasting, day of eating, fast, eat, etc. I think it might be messing with my water weight though, being more sporadic with it. It felt like I was regaining a bit (still haven't started consistently weighing myself again), but I've apparently gone down another pants size as of a couple days ago, so I don't know what that's about if what I'm seeing isn't just water weight or something. Kinda wanna go no carb this week since that always helps with that, but it's difficult when I'm also eating vegetarian-vegan, which I'm wanting to do. I'll figure it out.

I still have some legal stuff hanging over my head and I think I might start consulting with other lawyers. I have some money coming from my grandmother's estate to help. Will help me figure things out further professionally too. I'm feeling less stressed about that though. And about my biological clock. lol. I was watching some reality show where everyone was talking about egg freezing and IVF and it was sorta depressing me, but then I started doing this holistic research and it felt like it opened the world of possibility again for those of us without a hard plan about these things or a ton of extraneous cash laying around. I'm still on the pill, but I've started taking prenatal vitamins and a few other supplements that are supposed to be good for women around my age whether they're actively trying to conceive or not. Still not sure if that's a route I'm going to go down at all, but I like feeling like I have options.

So far today I've had eggs florentine, a skim latte, and water.


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## Veggie

The rest of yesterday is a little hazy. Did a Memorial Day hair of the dog happy hour and it got sorta wild. I met this dude out and about a couple weeks ago and we were saying we miss having more friends of the opposite sex to hang out with. We, like, drew up this strict just friends drinking buddy arrangement lol and we have hung out a couple times without it getting weird. He moved here from Louisiana around the same time I got here. I think he kinda looks like Kevin James and I woke up today to this text of a gif of Kevin James dancing on a pole :laughing:

Pretty much sums up the night. Oy. My head. Today's prob a Netflix and detox day and I'll worry about dieting and working out starting tomorrow.


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## Veggie

I got on the scale for the first time in a couple months this morning and I've gained about one pound exactly. Body fat percentage is pretty much exactly the same. Still not sure what the pants size thing was about, but I'm wondering if I actually dropped it a while ago and just didn't realize it. I hadn't bought new pants in a while. (Could have just been the way they were cut too). I'm still weighing in under where I started with this log.

Really not discouraging at all, especially given some of what I've been eating this month. I was definitely starting to get too chummy with Pizza Hut at one point. lol. 









Assuming the fasting days balanced everything out. My metabolism feels like it's in a good place too. I've been feeling energetic and light. 

Detoxing yesterday was a b and I didn't want to exacerbate it all, so I haven't gone veggie again, but I've been eating fish. Yesterday I was craving grease and went with calamari, but it started making me sick - so I just ate half and stayed away from food for the rest of the day. Today I've had a spicy tuna roll and a spicy salmon roll. Water, half of a ginger ale, half of a diet coke. It was funny, I was sitting there thinking that I should really make today a cleaning and laundry day and start this all back up again feeling fresh tomorrow, and then this was my fortune at the sushi place:


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## Veggie

Writing about the one dude has me thinking about stuff some. I can't sleep. I didn't eat past the sushi this afternoon. I found myself scrolling through texts after talking to him tonight, and they're like the perfect combination of detached on both ends, but personable and funny. I'm feeling softer. He does this thing where he'll like talk to me behind and through his dog in this stupid voice if he's being a little more mushy, lol. It's cute. I kinda really like that dog. He likes me too. When I was arguing with the guy at the bbq he like majestically appeared by my side, haha, and stayed glued there.

Liking anyone at this age is scary. If it became serious they could be the last person you're ever supposed to like in that way.

Feeling like throwing myself into working out is timely. Been seriously looking into getting into extra work too, since there's so much filming going down here. Not a large commitment either, since I have some stuff hanging over my head that's dissuading me from full time work rn. I need distractions. Wanna try to keep keeping it all simple though. lol.


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## cuddle bun

Veggie said:


> Writing about the one dude has me thinking about stuff some. I can't sleep. I didn't eat past the sushi this afternoon. I found myself scrolling through texts after talking to him tonight, and they're like the perfect combination of detached on both ends, but personable and funny. I'm feeling softer. He does this thing where he'll like talk to me behind and through his dog in this stupid voice if he's being a little more mushy, lol. It's cute. I kinda really like that dog. He likes me too. When I was arguing with the guy at the bbq he like majestically appeared by my side, haha, and stayed glued there.
> *
> Liking anyone at this age is scary. If it became serious they could be the last person you're ever supposed to like in that way.
> *
> Feeling like throwing myself into working out is timely. Been seriously looking into getting into extra work too, since there's so much filming going down here. Not a large commitment either, since I have some stuff hanging over my head that's dissuading me from full time work rn. I need distractions. Wanna try to keep keeping it all simple though. lol.


right?!?!?!!??!!? it's so much pressure. And sometimes I think guys don't relate to that feeling as well as women because guys don't have such a hard edge at the end of fertility. For me it's like realistically I probably have about 4-7 fertile years left and and that's like....the length of exactly one really good and close but eventually failed relationship. I put so much pressure on myself not to fuck that "who will be my boyfriend" decision up and I find myself panicking when I hear guys say something like "why worry so much? if it feels good then just enjoy the moment and see where it leads!" uhhhhhhhh it's a lot more complicated than that. Even without having my mind dead set on biological kids,if I pick the wrong person and get attached to them and eventually fail then it's still like the potential loss of a really interesting option that people tend to feel very emotional about when it happens and I could picture myself feeling emotional about it too.

well sorry for the rant. I enjoy following your log including the personal stuff...I feel like I can relate to a lot of it  and this drinking buddy guy friend you found sounds really good


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## Veggie

cuddle bun said:


> right?!?!?!!??!!? it's so much pressure. And sometimes I think guys don't relate to that feeling as well as women because guys don't have such a hard edge at the end of fertility. For me it's like realistically I probably have about 4-7 fertile years left and and that's like....the length of exactly one really good and close but eventually failed relationship. I put so much pressure on myself not to fuck that "who will be my boyfriend" decision up and I find myself panicking when I hear guys say something like "why worry so much? if it feels good then just enjoy the moment and see where it leads!" uhhhhhhhh it's a lot more complicated than that. Even without having my mind dead set on biological kids,if I pick the wrong person and get attached to them and eventually fail then it's still like the potential loss of a really interesting option that people tend to feel very emotional about when it happens and I could picture myself feeling emotional about it too.
> 
> well sorry for the rant. I enjoy following your log including the personal stuff...I feel like I can relate to a lot of it  and this drinking buddy guy friend you found sounds really good


Haha, yes!! I appreciate the rant. I put a lot of pressure on it all too, to the point where the potential hubby should be this almost supernatural entity at this point, so worth it all that other options wouldn't even exist in my mind. Then that's scary too, because what if something were to happen to them? Who then? Am I even deserving of all that? And yea, the, like, "deadlines" for this all are really stressful. I feel you. It's not like you have a ton of control over it all either. And stress isn't great for getting romance going, so it's like this double edged sword.

The guy I've been seeing makes it really difficult not to just enjoy the moment though, and I'm grateful for that. After I typed that all out he sent me this video of... okay, so, he has this, like... hobby or something... where he prank calls into radio stations and businesses using the most ridiculous voices and accents (they're actually pretty good tho), saying the most ridiculous things. I just laughed and stopped worrying for the time being. Twisted people are fun :hearteyes: He's a good blend of responsible and immature imo  Secretly I call him the Southern Gatsby, because he can be kind of over the top with stuff (he has lasers out back by his pool) - but I'm into it. haha.

The drinking buddy is good times too, yea. He sends me these Barney Stinson-esque texts about the drinking buddy code. lol. All needed energy right now, because if I think about the future anymore I really feel like I'm going to have a brain aneurysm or something :laughing:


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## Amanda White

So much usefull things there. Thanks for an information. I've never been thinking about fluence of alcohol in metabolism.


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## Veggie

I haven't seen one of these logs around in a while, but I also haven't really been on the forums all that much lately. Whatever though, posting here helped me to stay on track, and I'd really like to end this thread with a "goal accomplished" declaration. So.

I've weighed pretty much almost exactly the same for about a year now. Beneath where I started when I first posted, but not as low as I'd gotten at one point in that journey. Body fat is about the same too (but again, not as low as I'd gotten it at my most dedicated). 

I've been feeling really motivated recently, generally, and I got a little too chummy with comfort food and my couch over the holidays, lol, so I'm feeling ready to get serious about this stuff again. Finally and officially got legal concerns taken care of too, and I feel like I have my life back. I started getting really depressed a couple months ago and just wanted to sleep constantly, but my energy's returned and I wake up early on my own now and ready to start the day. The mind-body connection is real.

My sister got engaged over Christmas, and I'm maid of honor. So lots of picture taking, events and dress fittings are coming up. That provides motivation as well. (It was cute how her fiance asked. He dressed their dog up in a little doggie tux and asked on a chalkboard around his neck ). 

I lost about five pounds after I last posted, but then I gained that back along with another five by the end of the summer. I blame a trip to Savannah. I went on a whim by myself for a while, and I was pretty much living off of seafood (like monster shrimp covered in melted butter) and frozen drinks (those open container laws are dangerous, lol... but oh so fun). I'd lost it again by October, and I've been about there ever since.

I've started vaping CBD oil. It helps with anxiety, and it's helping me wean off juices with nicotine. 

I've stuck to the limited online chatting rule, and I'm taking a break from dating apps again. I started getting a little too addicted to them over the summer. Still casually talking to a few people, but not adding any more madness to the mix, lol. Have probably become somewhat addicted to video games over the past half year or so, but they keep me out of trouble and my bank account, so that's not the worst thing. They've also helped me to further cut back on drinking. 

Yesterday I did have a few moscow mules. Other than that I think I just had a black bean burger patty with hot buffalo sauce and blue cheese and broccoli. Was coming off a carrots, water and apple juice fast (idk, that's what I was craving) and so got full pretty quickly. 

Today I've had a smoothie - orange, mango, pineapple, coconut yogurt, coconut milk - a wrap - hard boiled egg, avocado, tomato, feta, spinach, wheat tortilla - and a small soy latte. I have almond butter toast for later - Ezekiel bread, almond butter, banana, honey. I've been taking chewable Cq10 with vitamin E too.


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## GinAR5045

Nice thread


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