# Why am I so darn attracted to badasses while being a good girl ?



## chaoticbrain (May 5, 2012)

Oh and your not attracted to bad boys, you're only attracted to guys with confidence. (trust me the feminists said so).


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## Sparkling (Jul 12, 2013)

Diphenhydramine said:


> well I made an unhelpful comment but deleted it because I felt bad.
> 
> so far youve only talked about finding "badasses" attractive, so, question: why don't you find "decent" guys attractive? What's not to like about them?


I like decent guys, respect them etc. What is missing -a romantic attraction towards them, there is no "sparkle". They are just like me : well - behaved and polite.


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## Diphenhydramine (Apr 9, 2010)

boogie said:


> I like decent guys, respect them etc. What is missing -a romantic attraction towards them, there is no "sparkle". They are just like me : well - behaved and polite.


 romantic or only sexual?


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## Sparkling (Jul 12, 2013)

Diphenhydramine said:


> romantic or only sexual?


both, but the two somehow intertwine with each other so that it is difficult to distinguish.


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## chaoticbrain (May 5, 2012)

I think the fact that you said "everyone has a good side". Means (I think), that you could have an inability to get justly angry at people ?


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## marked174 (Feb 24, 2010)

For the same reason people are addicted to cheeseburgers. Although our society has no problem telling women how to control their desires when it comes to food, they still can't seem to figure out that appetites exist in other forms as well.


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## Protagoras (Sep 12, 2010)

There is a lot of self-deception and magical thinking going on in this thread... I fear that people are used to speaking of themselves as things that are separate from themselves -- such a misleading language game.


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## Sparkling (Jul 12, 2013)

Protagoras said:


> There is a lot of self-deception and magical thinking going on in this thread... I fear that people are used to speaking of themselves as things that are separate from themselves -- such a misleading language game.


so how should I handle with my "problem"? what is solution for me?


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## Diphenhydramine (Apr 9, 2010)

boogie said:


> both, but the two somehow intertwine with each other so that it is difficult to distinguish.


 if you are only attracted to people who you think have wholly negative qualities that is actually quite dangerous. it also seems to be quite limiting for your love life. i dont have any advice on how to "fix" this and im not sure "why" (I could guess but it wouldn't be fair or intelligent).

one thing i can comment on: you are wrong, I think, that "trying out" a relationship with some bad guys will "turn you off" them. all this will do will mean that now youre not attracted to douches and not attracted to decent people. the source of this seems to be that you don't find pleasant personality traits attractive—I can't say any more about that.


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## Sparkling (Jul 12, 2013)

chaoticbrain said:


> I think the fact that you said "everyone has a good side". Means (I think), that you could have an inability to get justly angry at people ?


nope, I get angry from time to time. But this person must really cross the line of my tolerance limit behavior. Usually, I act gently with people.


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## Chaerephon (Apr 28, 2013)

Everybody does exactly what they want to do. That is the way the world works. You are no exception.

If you want to be attracted to "bad boys" you will be.


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## Protagoras (Sep 12, 2010)

boogie said:


> so how should I handle with my "problem"? what is solution for me?


The 'solution' comes naturally. I mean, you do what you want to do, and if what you want to do turns out to be dating bad guys, then that is a 'solution'. The 'problem' here is that you have a strong conflict between preferences, so that you actually want another 'solution' than the one you seem to be getting. So, if that is the case, you might just want to try and not put yourself in a situation in which you _know_ your preference for bad guys will override other impulses/preferences within yourself. Ask yourself when; in which situations, you are most likely to be vulnerable to this destructive preference taking over, and then make sure you do not get into that kind of situations in the future. That being said, you cannot help it if you _per chance_ do get in a situation where your destructive preference takes over, so you should not feel ashamed or bad about that happening. That is also just a part of who you are and what you want. You cannot say that it is not what you want.


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## Protagoras (Sep 12, 2010)

That is to say, you are this 'complex of preferences and impulses', and you can only, trough getting to know your preferences better, and getting to know yourself better, as you get better acquainted with your preferences in certain situations, become more and more adapt at knowing how to deal with your preferences. There is no quick fix here, since changing who you are physically or psychologically, will only make you another complex of preferences and impulses, and then you would indubitably have similar issues.


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## Sparkling (Jul 12, 2013)

Protagoras said:


> The 'solution' comes naturally. I mean, you do what you want to do, and if what you want to do turns out to date bad guys, then that is a 'solution'. The 'problem' here is that you have a strong conflict between preferences, so that you actually want another 'solution' then the one you seem to be getting. So, if that is the case, you might just want to try and not put yourself in a situation in which you _know_ your preference for bad guys will override other impulses/preferences within yourself. Ask yourself when; in which situations, you are most likely to be vulnerable to this destructive preference taking over, and then make sure you do not get into that kind of situations in the future. That being said, you cannot help it if you _per chance_ do get in a situation where your destructive preference takes over, so you should not feel ashamed or bad about that happening. That is also just a part of who you are and what you want. You cannot say that it is not what you want.


Finally I see your point.


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## nrcoggin (Mar 18, 2012)

I think lots of women are attracted to "bad boys" because many of their traits are appealing. There is a balance though and depending on what you want from a relationship you may not be compatible with many of them. If you want a solution why don't you find a "nice guy" and see if you can develop a relationship with him. If that doesn't seem like something you want to try just enjoy relationships with the attractive "bad boys" but realize that they probably won't be the Mr. Right.


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## chaoticbrain (May 5, 2012)

Well, I've found certain girls incredibly attractive who at first were not exactly "babes" at first glance. Over time you can find people attractive who weren't through bonding. Though this may not apply in your case.


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## kay002 (Jun 18, 2013)

boogie said:


> Why I cannot find decent guys attractive? Why must I fall for badasses (arrogant, egocentric, but still affectionate)? I even do not know the reason WHY is it happening?
> Anyone who could advise me how to come out from this? Any experiences to share?


Bad boys with a heart... usually ones who can critically evaluate the shit that they get into right? Ones who can engage in self-reflection? Ones who admit to their flaws as human beings and/or their situational factors which led to them doing questionable shit? Or why they feel as though they gotta act the way they do?

Girl, this is just my personal opinion but with “bad guys” you already know there is some questionable shit in their character. They admit it. Hell, they might even let that shit shine. But the nice guys? the decent guys? the respectable guys?
They have that disguise to trick you too. Perhaps its worse.


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## Sparkling (Jul 12, 2013)

kay002 said:


> They have that disguise to trick you too. Perhaps its worse.


Like what? After all, there's a reason they are called 'good guys'..


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## dvnj22 (Apr 24, 2013)

@_boogie_, first of all people are giving you a hard time, sorry for that. 2 I think you should try and date nice guy's for a change. that way you'll see difference between the 2. and nice guy's can be badass too. I am a nice guy but I've made a guy twice my size walk away tail behind his legs etc after I threatened him, because he was messing with my sister.

bad guys like bad girls are attractive at first but it wears off. nice guys and nice girls the attraction stays. and like a fire nice guy attraction may need time to be cultivated.


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## Scelerat (Oct 21, 2012)

Because unlike most "goody two shoes guys" they are actually masculine?


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## Swede (Apr 2, 2013)

Why? Well, there can be several reasons:

- you see things in their personality that you wish you had (already been mentioned)
- you come from an abusive background and you subconsciously search for the familiar
- you are afraid of romantic relationships, so you subconsciously project on men that you know would never work out for you - right now, you prefer to look at men from afar
- you are afraid of/don't think you deserve to be happy (more common than you would think)
- you assume that they are bad, because you like them

My advice is to stay away from them and men in general, until you have figured out what's going on. Also, my husband looks like a badass, but is one of the sweetest people I know. He is not trying to, but he has a facial expression that can scare people a little and he is really tall, which can be intimidating.

Adding:
- you prefer to do things the hard way


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## milti (Feb 8, 2012)

boogie said:


> Why I cannot find decent guys attractive? Why must I fall for badasses (arrogant, egocentric, but still affectionate)? I even do not know the reason WHY is it happening?
> Anyone who could advise me how to come out from this? Any experiences to share?


The only thing I can think of is you think you can change them or "tame" them.

Me, personally, I find "bad" guys irresistible but I wouldn't necessarily want to date them or be in a loving relationship with them. Sexually, though, yes, I choose this kind of guy (the kind I know my friends and family would HATE) when it's a matter of friends-with-benefits. Then my idea is not to love them so much that they become different, it's just to have some excitement.


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## Carmine Ermine (Mar 11, 2012)

boogie said:


> Why I cannot find decent guys attractive? Why must I fall for badasses (arrogant, egocentric, but still affectionate)? I even do not know the reason WHY is it happening?
> Anyone who could advise me how to come out from this? Any experiences to share?


I used to be disappointed by women being like this, then I learned that the top 2 qualities women look for really, are being sensitive and easy-going. Compassion is better than ignoring (this is about the problem women have with men trying to find a solution rather than just "being with them").

The thing is, there are plenty more "badasses" out there who have a subtle substitute for sensitivity, compassion and easy-going nature - namely, deliberately "calibrating" (as a substitute for being sensitive which is more of a natural thing), ignoring the woman's problems (instead of showing compassion, which is subtly different - since both involve not doing anything to solve the problem) and "not caring" (as a substitute for being naturally easy-going). The better women are the ones who can tell the difference. These women pretty much sort themselves out - if they go for a "badass", that's their mistake


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## purposive (Jun 4, 2013)

According to statistics you like bad guys because:

1. You were abused as a child
2. Your father was abusive, so dating bad guys is all you know.
3. You are submissive and think you deserve misogynistic men.


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## Sparkling (Jul 12, 2013)

@Swede 

- true, I see things in their personality that I wish I had
- my dad was actually decent, truly a good guy. However, he died when I was quite young so he didn't influence on me much. Next I was left with a caring mum, but she was also a very controlling, manipulative ' drama queen'. I am a quite independent nature. This is unacceptable when somebody invades my privacy. When I have problem, I tend to act like a man : hide in my "cave", not share this with others, try to solve it on my own etc. Also I like to make decisions on my own and not be forced to compromises. So ... once happened that a 'good guy', 'family man' was interested in me, I was truly terrified. I've got impression that he is ready to impregnate me, leave me at home with the children: cleaning, cooking, parenting and he most willingly would see me in the role of 'a hen mother'. I ran away from him as hell. When somebody is too much caring or too good for me, I have impression that he/she wants to secretly control me or expects something in return.
- afraid of romantic relationships? yes, definitely. I am scared that someone would bound me to himself and make me miserable and I would not be able to regain the lost freedom. 
- "you are afraid of/don't think you deserve to be happy" : yes, I am usually strict for myself and not let indulge myself
- "you assume that they are bad, because you like them" : no, I look objectively to which values a concrete person adheres. My sympathy towards this person is unlikely to change that opinion.



> My advice is to stay away from them and men in general, until you have figured out what's going on.


I will apply it then.


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## The Proof (Aug 5, 2009)

boogie said:


> leave me at home with the children: cleaning, cooking, parenting and he most willingly would see me in the role of 'a hen mother'. I ran away from him as hell.


sounds like you're afraid of the mundane

heh, who isn't?


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## Swede (Apr 2, 2013)

boogie said:


> - my dad was actually decent, truly a good guy. However, he died when I was quite young so he didn't influence on me much. Next I was left with a caring mum, *but she was also a very controlling, manipulative ' drama queen'*.


This is also a form of abuse and when I was suggesting "abusive background and you subconsciously search for the familiar", I was actually thinking of my own mother and how I ended up with controlling/abusive men in my early 20s. I got over it by being single for a few years and by getting to know, understand and like myself better.

I also agree with what @purposive said in "You are submissive ..." with the change that you may be submissive in nature, but you have not found a dominant man who is mature enough to be dominant in a responsible/caring way, or you are specifically interested in being dominated in the bedroom. If I understand correctly, good Doms are very hard to find.


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## Sparkling (Jul 12, 2013)

I'm submissive in some way. Whither it comes to everyday decisions (what we do, what we eat, where we go right now), I do not care, I do what others suggest. I just do not like to argue, I'm not strong enough to oppose. I'd rather have peace of mind. Another thing, when it comes to important decisions in my life: I do not let to be tampered here - I decide what work I pick up, where I live, how many children I plan to have. I do not argue, it is more a quiet stubberness and cliginess to my decision no matter what. I'd have to love somebody terribly hard to let him having influence on these core decisions.


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## LibertyPrime (Dec 17, 2010)

<.< does this mean bad girls like good guys for some odd reason? Cus that would suck.


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## ApostateAbe (Aug 8, 2013)

purposive said:


> According to statistics you like bad guys because:
> 
> 1. You were abused as a child
> 2. Your father was abusive, so dating bad guys is all you know.
> 3. You are submissive and think you deserve misogynistic men.


"Abused as a child" is an antiquated, naive, pop-psychology explanation for any perceived psychological problem, and the explanation is generally useless and wrong. I suggest you no longer think that way.


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## chaoticbrain (May 5, 2012)

I've heard that girls who grow up without fathers have a harder time picking good men because they don't have a good template of what "masculinity" is. And in that sense have to rely on cultural stereotypes.


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## Whippit (Jun 15, 2012)

I'm still trying to reconcile why all the 'badasses' you pick are also assholes. There have to be plenty out there that aren't.


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

boogie said:


> Why I cannot find decent guys attractive? Why must I fall for badasses (arrogant, egocentric, but still affectionate)? I even do not know the reason WHY is it happening?
> Anyone who could advise me how to come out from this? Any experiences to share?


Maybe you secretly want to be kind of a badass. Being a "good girl" means you have to repress some stuff--be nice etc. So maybe you need to find a space to be "bad."

Edit: I didn't read the thread--Swede's post pretty much covered this and a lot of other good possibilities.


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## Sparkling (Jul 12, 2013)

Whippit said:


> I'm still trying to reconcile why all the 'badasses' you pick are also assholes. There have to be plenty out there that aren't.


pardon my English, but what is a major difference between 'badasses' and 'assholes' in your understanding? I see no diff meaning in these two words - both are for 'jackass'


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## Whippit (Jun 15, 2012)

boogie said:


> pardon my English, but what is a major difference between 'badasses' and 'assholes' in your understanding? I see no diff meaning in these two words - both are for 'jackass'


Well, a badass is tough, agressive and can handle his own, an asshole tends to be a jerk. But, even so, I've known lots of people who are badassess, or even a little jerky, but be really great partners. I mean, if you think you're gravitating for this type because you have some sort of person situation that causes problems, definitely take a look. The problem might be that you let them roll over you?


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## Sparkling (Jul 12, 2013)

If this is the diff as you say, then I used a wrong word. Damn it. From the very beginnig, I meant assholes, not badassessss. However, I think people got it what I had in mind, after all I used also term 'a bad guy'.
I have nothing against 'myomas' , 'tough guys' , but they usually do not attract me.


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## Sapphyreopal5 (Jun 11, 2012)

boogie said:


> pardon my English, but what is a major difference between 'badasses' and 'assholes' in your understanding? I see no diff meaning in these two words - both are for 'jackass'


Well with being an _ass_ you have the whole package, while ass_holes_ are only part of the package if you catch my drift


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## februarystars (Aug 22, 2012)

boogie said:


> If this is the diff as you say, then I used a wrong word. Damn it. From the very beginnig, I meant assholes, not badassessss. However, I think people got it what I had in mind, after all I used also term 'a bad guy'.
> I have nothing against 'myomas' , 'tough guys' , but they usually do not attract me.



'Badasses' e.g. guys who are tough, or particularly independent, or live to party or whatever. Nothing necessarily wrong with these as it doesn't mean they can't also be nice (although they might be a little more trouble/hard to keep up with/not a safe bet)

'Assholes' guys who are abusive, not nice people, disrespectful, misogynistic, aggressive, violent etc - ugh, I would stay away.


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## Sparkling (Jul 12, 2013)

Then I mean 'assholes' rather than 'badasses'.
Generally, someone kinda unethical, egocentric, opposite of 'a family man'. But still not violent or aggressive - I omit that people.


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## d e c a d e n t (Apr 21, 2013)

I've thought about it myself, and feeling attracted to bad boys seems to be an instinctual thing. Too bad our bodies does not always crave what is healthy for us, kind of like how sometimes you just want to eat candy all day, every day (well... I do). Fortunately it's not impossible to cultivate a taste for something more healthy, if you're open-minded and determined enough. :kitteh:

And a guy definitely doesn't have to be an asshole to be baddass/impressive. Assholes might seem more impressive initially, but think about how immature and petty they can be. Eesh.


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## RetroVortex (Aug 14, 2012)

*WHY AM I SO DARN ATTRACTED TO GOOD GIRLS WHILE BEING A BADASS!* :frustrating:

:laughing:


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## gestalt (Feb 15, 2011)

You're not ready to commit to a long term relationship so you sabotage the possibility of meaningful interaction by going for guys who are unintelligent and emotionally immature.

It's fixable, though.


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## Resolution (Feb 8, 2010)

@_snail_ had a pretty interesting list. 

My theory is a bit more simple. I've found that we tend to lust after things that we do not have but want. 

Maybe badasses get you all hot and bothered because you want to be more badass yourself. Ever consider being more "bad"? It might be the thing you need to balance yourself out.


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## angeleyes (Feb 20, 2013)

Electra Complex?


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## Bago (Aug 30, 2011)

We do want to have our own opposites when we are young, I was like that too until I experienced a change in myself and then I realised I am not that kind of person etc. 

I would go and do things which excites you to replace this kind of attraction. Go and do a bungee jump. Seriously.  
It will give you a different kind of boost.


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## The Proof (Aug 5, 2009)

Bago said:


> I would go and do things which excites you to replace this kind of attraction. Go and do a bungee jump. Seriously.
> It will give you a different kind of boost.


yeah and stay away from kitchens so you don't remain trapped in them


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## Sparkling (Jul 12, 2013)

The Proof said:


> yeah and stay away from kitchens so you don't remain trapped in them


ouu yeeeaa, kitchen, cooking, pots - dizzy when I think about it. 
But I am not against cleaning - the cleaner the better.


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## Sparkling (Jul 12, 2013)

angeleyes said:


> Electra Complex?


What is that?

@snail thank you for so many insights. Although I realized that I had used a wrong word in topic thread and can't fix that now. 'Badasses' suggests 'a tough guy', 'an insensitive myoma'.
I should use 'asshole' instead. I act more masculine than feminine. I am more attracted to males with a well-developed feminine side, who are still jerks - charming, selfish, cheeky, sensitive?- yes, but mostly on his own point, unempathetic.


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## Swede (Apr 2, 2013)

boogie said:


> ouu yeeeaa, kitchen, cooking, pots - dizzy when I think about it.
> But I am not against cleaning - the cleaner the better.


So does that mean that you want your bad boys clean or are they bad boys because they are not into cleaning? ;-)

Also, I confess that I get a little bit more excited than normal people when it comes to organizing my surroundings. Cleaning is not quite up there... I mean I'll do it, but it doesn't make me all hot and happy. :laughing:


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## Sparkling (Jul 12, 2013)

Swede said:


> So does that mean that you want your bad boys clean or are they bad boys because they are not into cleaning? ;-)
> 
> Also, I confess that I get a little bit more excited than normal people when it comes to organizing my surroundings. Cleaning is not quite up there... I mean I'll do it, but it doesn't make me all hot and happy. :laughing:


Cleaning is not my hobby  But I looove having things clean and in order - flat, car etc. When I have my room messy then it means that something wrong happened in my life. Such a nice indicator : I'm happy - I have rooms the clearest possible roud:. 
Living with a messy person would be a torture.


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## Arbite (Dec 26, 2010)

Odds are you aren't attracted to badasses so much as particular traits that is common to men like that. The confident, slightly ego driven male is attractive to most girls.


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## Noctis (Apr 4, 2012)

chaoticbrain said:


> I've heard that girls who grow up without fathers have a harder time picking good men because they don't have a good template of what "masculinity" is. And in that sense have to rely on cultural stereotypes.


Or their father emulated badass and asshole behavior, so the female, who longs for someone like her father, has a harder time picking good men because of a model in which their father emulated.


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## Sparkling (Jul 12, 2013)

Noctis said:


> Or their father emulated badass and asshole behavior, so the female, who longs for someone like her father, has a harder time picking good men because of a model in which their father emulated.


As I wrote earlier, my dad was a decent guy, very peaceful and loving. But he died when I was young, so he influenced more my older siblings than me.


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## chaoticbrain (May 5, 2012)

If you didn't grow up with a father, your genes are basically saying that the society in which you live is one about dominance rather than pair bonding. That is, your looking for the most dominant male genes to pass on, rather than a good guy who will provide for you.


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## Sparkling (Jul 12, 2013)

@chaoticbrain thanx for your posts.


> guy who will provide for you.


 although I'm not looking for ' a provider'. Nothing repulses me like a man in role of a householder, main breadwinner , supervisor, no matter if he is a good or a bad guy. Personally, I prefer to earn more than my partner. It gives me a security that there will not be a discussion: "my dear, resign from work and take care of the house. After all, I earn more than you."
Emotional support is very welcomed, but any other sign of patronage I take as controlling. Also I do not want to be a controller by myself, a partner relation would be perfect. 2 independants.


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## android654 (Jan 19, 2010)

The shit people have said in this thread. SMH


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## Sparkling (Jul 12, 2013)

I noticed something else:
-I am a messed-up person. Bad guys are usually messed up too. Good guys are healthy types. Messed up people usually end up with messed up ones. Healthy type connects with another healthy person.

- I feel protective towards bad guys. I see them as hurt people. Something horrible must have happened to them that they couldn't develop into healthy types. Bad guys are selfish. Every egocentric person strongly needs to be loved. This combination (hurt, needing love) triggers my protectiveness and overshadows my reasonable thinking. Now I'm highly prone to be manipulated.


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## sereneone (Aug 1, 2013)

boogie said:


> Why I cannot find decent guys attractive? Why must I fall for badasses (arrogant, egocentric, but still affectionate)? I even do not know the reason WHY is it happening?
> Anyone who could advise me how to come out from this? Any experiences to share?


I would recommend that you rename this thread to something more general like "Why Do Women Find Bad Boys Attractive?" Because this is a universal theme, and it applies across many different personality types.

The trivial answer to this question for you specifically is to just look at your type. ISTP types like risks and unpredictable things. Of course bad boys are risk takers, so immediately your personality type will gravitate to that.

At a much broader level, I think that women are attracted to passion, male initiative, romantic sex, and sexual initiative. Isn't that in fact the definition of what bad boys do? It really isn't very hard to figure out why these men trigger impulsive, instinctive desires in women.

The sad truth is that most women are pretty starved for sexual and romantic surprises and initiative, even ones in loving relationships. They have deep psychological needs for these things. So it's no surprise then when they meet a bad boy that it is like seeing a dessert tray in a restaurant go by, and you just cannot resist being attracted to that big chocolate dessert.

Just as an aside, I had a friend several years ago who was the most charming bad-boy I have ever known. He could go into a bar with me and just look at a woman for 45 seconds in a way that completely undressed her, made love to her, and left her breathless. He was completely shameless about this, and absolutely expert in doing it, and you could literally see women unravel just from his eye contact. It was extremely educational for me. 

So the secret to unraveling this mystery for you is as follows:

1) Identify for yourself what your actual psychological needs are here, and separate those needs from the person. You want some kind of passionate sex? Passionate romantic gestures? Fantasize about it and figure out what it is you need.

2) Realize that the guys who give these things out for free give them out to everyone for free, not just you, and probably these are not the kind of guys who will give you anything lasting or rewarding for the long term.

3) Since from step 1) you now know what you actually want, start making it a point in dates with boring "good guys" to tell them or hint what you want. One of these boring good guys is someday going to surprise you and become what you need, precisely because you kicked him in the ass and told him. An example of something you could say "I really like guys who take risks, and are passionately romantic. You aren't really that type are you?"

You are telling the man honestly what you need from him. You are telling him subtly he is not your type. But - importantly - you are giving him a chance to prove to you that you are wrong about him. And you will definitely get some surprises.


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## series0 (Feb 18, 2013)

snail said:


> I don't know if this has been said, because I haven't read through the other comments. As someone who has primarily been interested in sweet guys, I can't relate, but I am able to imagine.
> 
> There are a few possible reasons for wanting to be with a tough guy. Here are the main ones I can think of.
> 1. Badasses make you feel vulnerable, and vulnerability is exciting because it is a necessary component of intimacy.
> ...


Wow that is a super awesome post about the pros and cons of badassery.

Here is an additional perspective -

Find your badass. Then make sure that this badass in in-touch with his inner bitch .... errrrrrk! I mean inner female spirit.

It's called maturity, wisdom, balance, etc. Mega-bedassery!


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## angeleyes (Feb 20, 2013)

boogie said:


> What is that?
> 
> @snail thank you for so many insights. Although I realized that I had used a wrong word in topic thread and can't fix that now. 'Badasses' suggests 'a tough guy', 'an insensitive myoma'.
> I should use 'asshole' instead. I act more masculine than feminine. I am more attracted to males with a well-developed feminine side, who are still jerks - charming, selfish, cheeky, sensitive?- yes, but mostly on his own point, unempathetic.


Electra Complex- a psychoanalytical term used to explain the choices we make. In mythology, Electra and her brother plot revenge on their mother and stepfather for the murder of their father.
Oedipus, Inferiority, and God Complexes are also big in psychology.


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## Shadows10Girl (Aug 11, 2013)

RetroVortex said:


> Ummm... Thats a good point I think we need to think about that one...


Oh look I can be logical, ENFP-don rules! xD


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## Sparkling (Jul 12, 2013)

Swordsman of Mana said:


> this archetype attracts a lot of people.


maybe this archetype works only for self- confident people 
I'm not naturally self- confident, but from time to time my perky nature prevails and then people suddenly awake that they are attracted to me ;/ 



> my question would be, can do you think it's possible to form a healthy relationship with such an individual?


I don't think so. Probably it would end up me being hurt.



> does it have to be a tattooed, motorcycle riding gangster or could you settle for the "badassness" manifesting in other ways (for instance, an ambitious, charismatic business with thrill seeking hobbies and a provocative of humor)


I used wrong word in topic thread. 'Badass' suggests myomas and tough guys or as you said gangster. 'Assholes' or 'jerks' would be better. The best description: unethical, egocentric, charming, selfish, cheeky, talkative, unempathetic.
"an ambitious, charismatic business" - I have these traits by myself. I do not know whether a pair workaholic&workaholic is a good one.


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## Swordsman of Mana (Jan 7, 2011)

boogie said:


> maybe this archetype works only for self- confident people
> I'm not naturally self- confident, but from time to time my perky nature prevails and then people suddenly awake that they are attracted to me ;/
> I don't think so. Probably it would end up me being hurt.
> I used wrong word in topic thread. 'Badass' suggests myomas and tough guys or as you said gangster. 'Assholes' or 'jerks' would be better. The best description: unethical, egocentric, charming, selfish, cheeky, talkative, unempathetic.
> "an ambitious, charismatic business" - I have these traits by myself. I do not know whether a pair workaholic&workaholic is a good one.


ok, so something more like this?


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## Sparkling (Jul 12, 2013)

Swordsman of Mana said:


> ok, so something more like this?


nooo, they look brutal


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## RobynC (Jun 10, 2011)

boogie said:


> Why I cannot find decent guys attractive? Why must I fall for badasses (arrogant, egocentric, but still affectionate)? I even do not know the reason WHY is it happening?
> Anyone who could advise me how to come out from this? Any experiences to share?


Maybe there is something about their arrogance, egocentricity that you admire...

Maybe you wish you were a little less selfless, a little more confident...


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## Brad Pitt (Jul 6, 2012)

I think it's either because you want to escape and experience more "fun" and excitement. Or you think they are more confident, quite a lot of the time they are, but don't mistake nice but confident people with needy pushovers.


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## Sparkling (Jul 12, 2013)

Brad Pitt said:


> I think it's either because you want to escape and experience more "fun" and excitement. Or you think they are more confident, quite a lot of the time they are, but don't mistake nice but confident people with needy pushovers.


What a honour, Brat Pitt talking to me. Maybe it is fun and excitement. Sometimes I play risky


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## Swordsman of Mana (Jan 7, 2011)

boogie said:


> nooo, they look brutal


okay, how about


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## Sparkling (Jul 12, 2013)

Swordsman of Mana said:


> okay, how about


no pics shown

good looking people


















elegant, moderated appearance


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## Frenetic Tranquility (Aug 5, 2011)

boogie said:


> Why I cannot find decent guys attractive? Why must I fall for badasses (arrogant, egocentric, but still affectionate)? I even do not know the reason WHY is it happening?
> Anyone who could advise me how to come out from this? Any experiences to share?


It's very simple to me.

1. Recognize someone as possibly arrogant/assholish/full of themselves.
2. Subconsciously start overvaluing them.
3. When they show an affectionate side, attribute this to them liking you and not because of their own natural behavior learned from habit or cognitive tendency.
4. The false belief of them liking you makes you feel special subconsiously even if you don't know it isn't true consciously.
5. Proceed to fall in love with the feeling of feeling special, and attribute those positive Fi feelings to them subconsciously.
6. After their true nature is revealed, continue trying to "bring out" what you felt before, even though it was entirely fabricated by your own imagination.
7. Endless cycle of despair.


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## Frenetic Tranquility (Aug 5, 2011)

ApostateAbe said:


> "Abused as a child" is an antiquated, naive, pop-psychology explanation for any perceived psychological problem, and the explanation is generally useless and wrong. I suggest you no longer think that way.


Actually, it's because SJs and some NPs do fall into this pattern bc of Si. So not univeral truth, but true enough to skew stats.


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## Thalassa (Jun 10, 2010)

Protagoras said:


> Because you want to find those guys attractive, obviously. What other reason can there be? If you would not want to find them attractive, then you would not find them attractive at all. Or would you maintain that you are possessed by a will other than your own? I do not quite understand what you want to hear here, you see.


Oh sure, because everyone just has complete conscious control over what they are sexually attracted to.


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## Thalassa (Jun 10, 2010)

boogie said:


> no, as I subconsciously realize that such relationships rather do not end well. Especially, when I have issue with a low self -esteem. Mayby that is what causes this attraction - they are everything that I am not "sparkling, talkative, self - confident, not giving a damn".
> Maybe, if I would try with one of them , then got disappointed (as predicted) and be finally cured (crazy idea, but may work - who knows?).


It would help if you figured out if this is a savior complex (you want to help or fix them), if you are addicted to extreme drama (do you actually have relationships with these men?) or if you just are attracted to high testosterone, which can cause men to seem more aggressive or take more risks.

If it's just an issue of testosterone, that's the easiest, because I'm sure there are plenty of reasonably well-adjusted men who do things like race motorcycles or lift weights or take you suddenly on the patio in the middle of lunch.

If it's a savior complex, it means you're co-dependent and are addicted to the idea of someone needing you. If he needs you to fix him, he won't leave you. NO NO NO NO.

If you are addicted to drama, you'll probably see this in your childhood, that your parents fought a lot, or you were exposed to a lot of emotional upheaval as a child.

One of my sisters is pretty much attracted to convicted felons. I swear she had a nice, well-behaved, well-groomed, okay looking guy from a rich family who was devoted to her and is a decent father. Clearly at some point she must have been attracted to him enough to make a baby with him. But apparently she got bored.

I mean my sister really fishes in the gutter, it's perplexing. But she herself is also a drug addict. She's lost custody of all of her children because of a combination of her drug addiction, and her need to be with an ex-con instead of a husband.

I think she probably has Borderline Personality Disorder. My mother thinks it's possible she has brain damage.

I'm not sure what it is, because I don't think it's brain damage from drug use. Her "first love" in high school fit the ex-con pattern, except he was too young to have a record and was just a juvenile delinquent. 

It helps a little to try to figure out which one it is.


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## Sierra Noyd (Sep 1, 2013)

Some people don't know how glorious nice guys are until they really get to know them. They're really not boring like everyone says.
They ARE everything you want, they're just not showy about it.


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## Thalassa (Jun 10, 2010)

boogie said:


> nooo, they look brutal


You know after reading more, and saying this, I think you just like the "archetype" of an ENTP...not the function order, but the composite of the ENTP stereotype.

You aren't attracted to felons, extremely high testosterone, or whatever. 

I think your characterization of yourself as "a good girl" seems pretty IxFJ.

I don't think your attraction is dangerous. Just inconvenient.


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## Thalassa (Jun 10, 2010)

FreeBeer said:


> <.< does this mean bad girls like good guys for some odd reason? Cus that would suck.


Don't worry, my sister will leave you alone.

I could be characterized as "bad" by some perceptions, as well.

And you know, the OP here seems to be exaggerating, IMO. I think she's just attracted to cockiness, not someone who is abusive or dangerous.

In fact, a guy who is "nice" and affectionate can actually become abusive if he has that side to his personality.

People are really not this one-sided.


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## Thalassa (Jun 10, 2010)

Vic said:


> I don't believe that you're a good girl for a second.


What? She doesn't even act on her impulses to be with these cocky men. She's never even "tried" one.

IxFJ fo' sho.' 

I can't comprehend why she has ISTP/ISFP/ISTJ at the bottom of her signature. I think if she's a sensor, she's most certainly an ISFJ.

She's extremely prudent, and overly concerned about her attraction to men she doesn't even have affairs with.


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## Protagoras (Sep 12, 2010)

fourtines said:


> Oh sure, because everyone just has complete conscious control over what they are sexually attracted to.


LOL, you did not bother to read my further elaborations, did you?

Please find out what someone's actual position is before you start attacking straw men...


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## Thalassa (Jun 10, 2010)

Protagoras said:


> LOL, you did not bother to read my further elaborations, did you?
> 
> Please find out what someone's actual position is before you start attacking straw men...


Perhaps if it didn't take you 17 pretentious Nietzsche worshiping posts to explain something I easily put in plain language, people wouldn't misunderstand you.

In my very first post I easily gave a real life example, for example, to where she could find "safer" high testosterone men, thereby "satisfying as many of her preferences as possible."

You, on the other hand, made a bunch of sneering oppressive TL;DR posts, and alienated much of your audience.

It's interesting to me as a type that prefers Se/Ni while you OBVIOUSLY prefer Ni/Se, I'm smart enough to "get" the same concepts that you do, I just don't feel a need to make it into a pile of steaming bullshit.


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## Protagoras (Sep 12, 2010)

fourtines said:


> Perhaps if it didn't take you 17 pretentious Nietzsche worshiping posts to explain something I easily put in plain language, people wouldn't misunderstand you.


Well, I am sorry for not being as concise in my writing as you wish me to be, but that does not change that I said something distinctly different from what you interpreted me to have said. At any rate, I really cannot be held accountable for other people misunderstanding me when I clearly and repeatedly denied that I said what they interpreted me to have said



fourtines said:


> It's interesting to me as a type that prefers Se/Ni while you OBVIOUSLY prefer Ni/Se, I'm smart enough to "get" the same concepts that you do, I just don't feel a need to make it into a pile of steaming bullshit.


I really could not care less about you thinking of my words as bullshit or not, because people can always say that something is bullshit; that is really not very impressive by itself. I could say "2+2=4" with you saying "bullshit" to that, and yet this would say nothing about the value of my statement. 

As to you saying I prefer Ni/Se, I really do not understand why you would say that, given that I am INTP. But if you feel that it is relevant to discuss my type here, I would like to know your line of thought.


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## android654 (Jan 19, 2010)

boogie said:


> yeah, for sure.. At least perspective, values ​​must be shared. We need to know what our partner is the hell talking about


Differences count for a lot. No one wants nor respects a clone of who they already are, and it leads to either subjection of one party or resentment. There has to be compliments between people, not mirror images.


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## series0 (Feb 18, 2013)

boogie said:


> yeah, for sure.. At least perspective, values ​​must be shared. We need to know what our partner is the hell talking about


You are right I think. The trick is this: similar, yet different enough to keeps things interesting. Using the enneagram partners do great when they have 2 of 3 types in their tritype similar. A remarkable number of relatively successful couples end up being this way.

The 1 in 3 that is different adds that spice that keeps things going.


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## Law (Sep 12, 2013)

Confidence is sexy, but you also have to understand men aren't just a coin with two sides. There's more than just "Asshole" vs "Nice Guy" out there. You don't have to choose between the bad boy with charisma, attitude, abs and spontaneity OR the nice, boring guy who only wants to stay in and cuddle. That's not how the world actually works.

Look to slightly older guys who are done with the "being a dumbass" phase in life, and know what it means to be confident and still not a douche-bag simultaneously, and you'll find a balance.


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## Maryll (Sep 12, 2013)

I am attracted to a guy who is physically attractive but more important, he is extremely intelligent plus slightly arrogant plus sarcastic/cynic and yeah, I don't think a relationship with him would work. But I don't limit myself in attraction (also like warmhearted guys), but I always like that kind of bad boy. In books/movies I like it soooo much when a guy/man who is mean to everyone else but opens his heart to the girl/woman he loves (see The mortal Instruments --> Jace or Vampire Diaries --> Demon) .
(haven't read the whole thread)


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## brittauzenne (Feb 8, 2013)

Women are usually attracted to their fathers to an extent truth be told. Ive been there but it hasnt been healthy for me now I cant wait for the right good guy. I dont want the drama. There was a time for it but Ive grown out of it.


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## Sparkling (Jul 12, 2013)

series0 said:


> I see a lot of INFJ sentiment, so I agree with @_fourtines_.
> 
> My advice to INFJ women in general, but also in your specific case regardless, is to counteract your issues by choice. I know it is not easy, but really no other type both a) has such an easy solution and b) so adamantly refuses to use it.
> 
> ...


thank you for this plan! 
- one question: how can I develop my Fe?
- I'm not I*N*FJ (quite poor both Ni, Ne)
- red flags? sorry, don't seize ya


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