# Can't figure out what's wrong with me



## ShadowsRunner (Apr 24, 2013)

Hi, making another woe' is me thread. 

Well, I've pretty much failed at everything my entire life. I can't figure out what's wrong with me. 

I did poorly in school and likewise with career and work. I've always tried my best but it hasn't gotten me anywhere. I've had all kinds of tests done on me, and nothing ever really seems to come up. I'm really poor, and my quality of life isn't very good. I hardly have enough money to survive. 

The last place I worked I was let go, even despite everyone saying I was a good enough job(aggressively made sure this was the reason; asked many of their second opinion. Some thought it was a good thing) I was told I should just be an artist, as that has always been my main passion in life. I'm sort of eccentric, and thus because of that, most people think I'm too weird to associate with, and I think that is some of the reason for my failure in life. 

what the hell is wrong with me? sometimes I feel like I'm an alien. 

Am I just doomed to loaf around forever in this underworld of poverty? I want to cry all of the time...

People make fun of me a lot. I sometimes think I have a giant stamp on my head that says "SOCIAL REJECT"


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## Notus Asphodelus (Jan 20, 2015)

Work as a freelancer or have side jobs to fund your own job. Pretty much your soul is a free spirit.


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## Purrfessor (Jul 30, 2013)

Did you try unplugging and plugging back in?


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## ShadowsRunner (Apr 24, 2013)

Okay, this thread is probably pointless. 

ERm, I only ended up writing this because I'm extremely frustrated...

I have not slept for very long, and have been drinking too much coffee and smoking too much. 

I guess I just keep thinking it I keep asking questions like this, something will become illuminated and everything will finally be solved (wtf is wrong)

I was almost hinking I would be betetr off not being around, because I suck so much at everything. I am just a little fed up with being poor. I'm sort of stuck between a rock and a rock in terms of what decisions I can choose to take my life at the moment. 

I was just talking to some people in RL; and I was told again like always that I more or less just "HAVE TO DO IT"

ad that what I need do is have or get a career and it's only about when i decide to take that next step and better my life and I was just like "WTF!!!??" if it was that simple, I would have done it. Then i was asked if I need to take drugs. Or if I need drugs. 

Yeah..um...so it's either I just do it, and stop being lazy, or just take drugs. But I'm sorry, I've tried both and they don't work.
It's also horrendously frustrating and insulting to hear when I have pushed myself to the brink of exhaustion many times in my life and it hasn't really worked out for me. SURE, it's probably kept me off the street, but that's it. Thanks. Try harder.


GENERALLY, I try really hard, and force myself to stay positive, and keep going, in anyway, and some way. But again, it's just like, the rock and the fucking rock, man. I'm stuck between a rock and rock. 

HOW DO I JUST TRY HARDER, HUH!!??? I THINK MY HARDER KNOB IS BROKEN!!!??


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## ShadowsRunner (Apr 24, 2013)

I guess I just wonder, will I find any cool/interesting people in the underground world of poverty I can pass time with while we spend time in eternal damnation that aren't all crazy drug addicts or the like? 

It seems like people who haven't had similar experiences to mine generally stub there noses up at me; a lot. 

But then if they ARE in a similar situation to me, I've learned it's better to avoid them because they're probably way more screwed up then I am(uuuughhhhhh)


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## ShadowsRunner (Apr 24, 2013)

Stelliferous said:


> Did you try unplugging and plugging back in?


neither is working. I am stuck in a subway station; and I need to find the Trainman.


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## EndsOfTheEarth (Mar 14, 2015)

CloudySkies said:


> Well, I've pretty much failed at everything my entire life. I can't figure out what's wrong with me.


Ok for reference and perspective what's your 'entire life' really entail in years please. Now I'd like to insert a disclaimer here about what follows. _The comments are taking your situation seriously, but I'm shitty at expressing concern and empathy, so I try and be humourous instead but apparently I suck at that too. Try not to be offended by my expression, it's kindly meant but poorly worded. _

As a mental note for you many, many people are complete fuck-ups until midlife then they get their shit together. It's not an uncommon experience. That is, afterall what youth is for. :wink: Don't believe the hype about people posting their maturity and success all over facebook. 90% of the time it's bullshit and good marketing. Take it from me, there are more fuck-ups in the world than successful people. I've been kicking around the planet for more than 40yrs so I've had a good look around, taken many surveys on this subject. Don't panic. 

Next point, so you are poor right now? Yes. And you'd like to be an artist yes? Awesome, well at least you don't have to worry about leaving a high paying yet boring job to follow your bliss. Dilemma neatly avoided. You might as well become an artist right now since it's not going to materially affect your position in a negative way. It might even improve things, go ahead and live your dream. 

When people remark that you should be an artist or indeed any other type of 'job' thats mostly seen as doing nothing useful (I am routinely told I should be a psychic which is pretty close to an insult if you ask me), what they really mean is this. 

_You're a square peg in a round hole and frankly I have no idea what to do with you. You seem to be too smart to just do what you're told and this environment is too stupid to make use of what you've got. You must be one of those self-made people who doesn't need the system for being a cog. Either way it seems to me you don't belong here so I'm going to encourage you to find where you do belong. _

They're not trying to insult you, it's just that in all honesty they know you are not one of them but they don't know what you are. So they assume you must be one of those people that do interesting things with their lives. Definately not a career button-pusher like the rest of them. And you know what? It's probably one of the kindest and smartest things they will ever tell you, because if you stick out that much, trying to fit the system is just going to be painful for you. You may as well depart the system now and save years of your life that would otherwise be spent in frustration. 

I was just like you in my 20's. Getting fired from regular jobs and not understanding why things just couldn't work for me like other people. In my 30's I left an IT career, went travelling for 3yrs until the money ran out, got a menial job and did an arts course at a community college before boucing back another 3yrs later in a career that suits me better. I've been in this current job almost 10yrs and as an industry it fits me well. But I never, ever would have thought of it if I hadn't landed into it almost by accident. 

If you're a square peg, embrace the fact that working your way up the company ladder, owning a house in the burbs and paying off a mortgage while driving an SUV probably isn't going to be for you. That doesn't mean you're destined for a life of poverty and dejection. It just means you were born to live a life less ordinary and probably yes you will spend a few years wondering where you fit in. Trust that you will find it though and also trust that you'll catch to everyone else financially once you've found your little niche. Because you will.


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## ShadowsRunner (Apr 24, 2013)

LuvGen said:


> Work as a freelancer or have side jobs to fund your own job. Pretty much your soul is a free spirit.


Hi, thanks. Can you please elaborate? 

See, I've sort of tried that but I've had difficulty finding people who will even give me a chance. I mean, even just simple grunt work (Thinkin' bout tryin' sellin' dis bod')


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## ShadowsRunner (Apr 24, 2013)

InSolitude said:


> Ok for reference and perspective what's your 'entire life' really entail in years please. Now I'd like to insert a disclaimer here about what follows. _The comments are taking your situation seriously, but I'm shitty at expressing concern and empathy, so I try and be humourous instead but apparently I suck at that too. Try not to be offended by my expression, it's kindly meant but poorly worded. _
> 
> As a mental note for you many, many people are complete fuck-ups until midlife then they get their shit together. It's not an uncommon experience. That is, afterall what youth is for. :wink: Don't believe the hype about people posting their maturity and success all over facebook. 90% of the time it's bullshit and good marketing. Take it from me, there are more fuck-ups in the world than successful people. I've been kicking around the planet for more than 40yrs so I've had a good look around, taken many surveys on this subject. Don't panic.
> 
> ...


Like, ma age, or a more detailed description of ma life.


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## EndsOfTheEarth (Mar 14, 2015)

CloudySkies said:


> Like, ma age, or a more detailed description of ma life.


Whichever you think is more relevant.


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## Notus Asphodelus (Jan 20, 2015)

CloudySkies said:


> Hi, thanks. Can you please elaborate?
> 
> See, I've sort of tried that but I've had difficulty finding people who will even give me a chance. I mean, even just simple grunt work.


You said that you are an artist. You can build up on your portfolio (both online and hard copies) and see if anyone wants to use your artwork for their company or something. Maybe someone you know who needs help in designing things for their poster or books or exhibitions. All you need is to network with the people involved in those areas and a bit of knowledge on freelancing. In the meantime you can find some jobs ( even irrelevant ones to fund for your art tools and perhaps pay your bills. Those are just ideas I can think of. I can't really say it's practical but if your work is really good, it's worth a try.


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## ShadowsRunner (Apr 24, 2013)

InSolitude said:


> Whichever you think is more relevant.


I think you're more relevant! :wink:

Well, I've pretty much spent the last couple of years---to my whole life isolating myself and playing the guitar, drawing, making art, doodling sketching. That's mostly it. I don't know, I've become a master at slumming it. That is, like a cockroach; I thrive. 
I'm like the terminator walking through fire; until it all becomes too much and I break down inside and have an emotional freakout( I.e. this thread) 




OKAY! well, I should make it clear; I did sort of poorly in school, I hated it and spent quite a bit of time rebelling against it(I just hated it, I just I just) it's like I had a learning disability, too, I had trouble learning certain things, like my brain just had trouble focusing as precisely as it should have I always felt. PLUS I JUST FREAKING HATED IT. THE CONTROL!!!!!!!!!11

hence, was singled out as a problem child, had all sorts of tests done on me. COuldn't find any wrong. Still have trouble learning to this day. I'm currently on waiting lists to get some more tests done to try and single out any possible cause, but it's frustrating because: It just feels like more of teh same, I've been in this situation more or less my whole life...it's taken me YEARS, just to realize and then find a doctor who actually cares and now is referring me to get such tests done; it's just extremely difficult cuz I am literally surviving and at times my life is a serious struggle. I have had to deal with difficult people who want more harm to come to me then good on a regular enough basis, hard to keep in there, keep fighting. 

That being said, much of it's just I think my self reacting emotionally as well to how difficult my external circumstances are. There are times where I've managed OK (work, school, etc) so it's not always impossible for me to deal with things.

Also I think what effects me quite often or gets in the way is I think I am an Highly-sensitive-person, and my introversion, and I get overwhelmed by the outside world a lot without realizing it and then my brain sort of goes hay-wire. (struggle a lot to find the balance, life isn't always allowing of me to watch out for that) 

Growing up all I really wanted to do was be an artist of some sort; I would tell everyone with great enthusiasm, and everyone sort of just rolled their eyes and didn't believe me. I grew up in a really small rural backwoods kind of place that wasn't really tolerating of such a person such as myself (even then, eccentric wild child) felt very depressed, struggled with depression, didn't know how to talk to people( still don't really, hung out with the wrong crowd)

Was called gay quite often, wasn't the typical macho-man western ideal. Family was very dysfunctional. I was so out of place their I left when I was 17 to live my aunt and uncle(thought I was weird, didn't know what to do with me, left them too, learned a good work ethic) around 18 my father died, at this time I met a lot of creative funky people, though they didn't fully accept me either, found this article that really helped me a lot along with my new found work ethic(how basically the most successful people in the world are just people who work really hard, like everyday, and treat their dreams/hobbies as jobs. The key to mastering things is like 10,000 or something?)

So from then on I learned how and why practice really makes perfect and I set out learning and perfecting all the things I've always wanted to. I learned how to play music, skateboard, got better at art, etc, delved very deeply into self help material, overcame a lot of my personal baggage (but still always feeling like their was something majorly wrong with me) until i discovered I was actually an INFP, and that really helped me quite a bit. That's mostly it I guess. I am 24 now...

My work history sucks, too embarrassed to get into that. As well as my romantic history.


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## ShadowsRunner (Apr 24, 2013)

Yeah, I'm basically like Kurt Cobain or something (mockingly been likened to him from god jknows how many people)

i am also an autodidact if that helps any. When I finish writing the song I wrote about my dad, then I will finally accept my self as a true artist, musician :' (
That's why I started...

and just the pain.

_emo_


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## ShadowsRunner (Apr 24, 2013)

I hope I don't sound egotistical. I have low self esteem.


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## EndsOfTheEarth (Mar 14, 2015)

CloudySkies said:


> Well, I've pretty much spent the last couple of years---to my whole life isolating myself and playing the guitar, drawing, making art, doodling sketching.


Cool, so you've got some skills there, all is not lost. You're only 24, this is extremely young even though you probably think it's not. Trust me, on this, time is on your side. If you were 34 I'd be more worried for you. 



CloudySkies said:


> like my brain just had trouble focusing as precisely as it should have I always felt. PLUS I JUST FREAKING HATED IT. THE CONTROL!!!!!!!!!11


You hate the way the educational system is set up. I don't blame you, can't count how many classes I was expelled from in high school just because I don't like sitting still while teachers lecture me about stuff I couldn't give a crap about. The thing is, it's set up for a particular style of learning that is probably completely wrong for how you learn. My guess is that you learn extremely fast and the way classes are taught is just too slow for you leading to high levels of frustration and then like a domino effect it all cascades down into....fuck this I just can't do it. 

Many people with learning disabilities are just people who learn differently to the mainstream. I cannot for the life of me learn anything from a video. OMG it bores the crap out of me and I cannot hold my attention there. But give me an internet connection, and a few hours and I'll teach myself to change the oil filter in my motorbike or sew an 18th century shirt. I learn by scanning for information in an order that makes sense to me. I can't learn in a class environment because it doesn't match the order of my thought processes. I reverse engineer. You may be the similar. 



CloudySkies said:


> Also I think what effects me quite often or gets in the way is I think I am an Highly-sensitive-person, and my introversion, and I get overwhelmed by the outside world a lot without realizing it and then my brain sort of goes hay-wire. (struggle a lot to find the balance, life isn't always allowing of me to watch out for that)


5w4 is like that. Guess what I am. :laughing: When I get overwhelmed I retreat, I shut down the flow of information and stimulation and I won't emerge again until I've fully processed whatever short circuited me. I work in an environment that's highly variable and it's very challenging for me because being overwhelmed is something that happens often. All you need here is a coping mechanism. It really helps me if I can stagger the learning events in my life so they don't all come in on me at once. I have to do these new things one at a time. And I have to coach myself through unknown processes, not allowing others to railroad me or place pressure on me to make instantaneous decisions when I am unfamiliar with the environment. 

The more you experience and do in life the greater your level of confidence will be and eventually fewer things will overwhelm you. Don't be afraid of experience but also try wherever possible not to overload yourself with more than one unfamiliar thing at a time. Go into things prepared so you've got something to fall back on when that challenging moment comes. You're not broken you just need to understand your own needs. 

#1 Need. A bolthole. Somewhere to retreat to that's alone and silent and other people aren't. It's been my saving grace to be able to shut the door on the world when I need to. When you get overwhelmed you need to just press the pause button on life for a minute and find some silence and that gives you the space to get it together again. I have nominated places at work that are my boltholes. I know at any moment I can steal away for a few minutes and just regroup, clear my head, get the brain working again. 



CloudySkies said:


> Growing up all I really wanted to do was be an artist of some sort; I would tell everyone with great enthusiasm, and everyone sort of just rolled their eyes and didn't believe me.


Yeah people are shitty like that. No-one wants your life to be like Alice in Wonderland when they're lumped with normal stuff instead. They want you to submit to the normalcy of it all goddamit! Why should your life be exciting and fabulous when theirs isn't! Pissing on other people's dreams is a bit of a past-time for humanity. But don't worry your idealism is the only thing that's hurt. 



CloudySkies said:


> So from then on I learned how and why practice really makes perfect and I set out learning and perfecting all the things I've always wanted to.


Then you're already about a decade ahead of the game. Hardly anyone ever learns this in their lifetime, let alone before they are 30. And since you've done that, I really don't think you have any kind of learning disorder, you have a different learning style that you perfectly understand how to accomodate.


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## ShadowsRunner (Apr 24, 2013)

ERh, was some of that too personal? I was wondering about that. I thought that maybe I veered about into that too much. 

It's hard for me to just do WORK/EDUCATION/EXPERIENCE, just in general. 

I'm still kind of catching up to that stuff I think.
I think I just really, really, needed to talk to someone. I'm going into super freak out mode again. I've been cleaning and hardly sleeping 3 days straight about as well as moving all my stuff into boxes, and doing tons of chores, plus outdoor chores. Yay!


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## Mange (Jan 9, 2011)

You have to be good at something, or have passions or hobbies...?

Why do people make fun of you? Like what types of things do they say?


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## ShadowsRunner (Apr 24, 2013)

rachel.craig.522 said:


> You have to be good at something, or have passions or hobbies...?
> 
> Why do people make fun of you? Like what types of things do they say?


That I have hairy nipples
(OKAY, THAT'S AN INSIDE JOKE, DON'T TAKE IT THE WRONG WAY)


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## Mange (Jan 9, 2011)

CloudySkies said:


> That I have hairy nipples


That's a joke, right? I'm just curious about what adults are ragging on other adults about...


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## ShadowsRunner (Apr 24, 2013)

rachel.craig.522 said:


> That's a joke, right? I'm just curious about what adults are ragging on other adults about...


I don't know, it's really strange and difficult to list it all of the top of my head now. I'm still surprised that within my age group it's still going on. People think I'm weird, I don't know. I still get the gay thing form other males quite often. I get made fun for the way I look etc(grown ass adults, yes) 

I'm a male, I'm sort of emotional, I don't carry on or act like most men do I suppose.

Also, it was a reference to My Name is Earl, actually.


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## Notus Asphodelus (Jan 20, 2015)

CloudySkies said:


> That I have hairy nipples
> (OKAY, THAT'S AN INSIDE JOKE, DON'T TAKE IT THE WRONG WAY)


It's ok if you have hairy nipples.. Lol! :laughing: Tell me what your interest are in terms of art. What is it that you like to express?


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## angelcarnivore (Apr 15, 2015)

CloudySkies said:


> Hi, making another woe' is me thread.
> 
> Well, I've pretty much failed at everything my entire life. I can't figure out what's wrong with me.
> 
> ...


It looks like that 4 wing is rearing it's suffering=uniqueness head. 3s and 5s share a 4 wing, so, you know. 

No escape from the need to work on your self-image.


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