# Confused INFJ waiting for an ENFP to take initiative



## greenforest (Aug 18, 2021)

Ewok City said:


> So my suggestion is to be really direct about him by telling him that your feelings towards him is special, and see how would he react about it.
> 
> Overall, I feel that if he really likes you, he wouldn't be having second thoughts about a relationship with you, and even if he does have them, he would be honest about it and express his concerns to you. Maybe you can work it out from there.
> 
> I hope everything will end up well!


That's encouraging! I'm really hoping we can have a conversation face to face and clear things up. I definitely prefer hearing a clear NO rather than staying in a confusing situation. 
He literally just messaged me saying we'll have a drink next week haha. BUT he said that two times before so I won't believe it until I see it. (Kind of confirms the "keeping his options open", doesn't it?) 
I'm still learning to stop letting my imagination go too far and take things one step at a time, so I don't get too excited about stuff then get disappointed.


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## Ewok City (Sep 21, 2020)

greenforest said:


> He literally just messaged me saying we'll have a drink next week haha. BUT he said that two times before so I won't believe it until I see it. (Kind of confirms the "keeping his options open", doesn't it?)


Hahaha, yep! It can be quite frustrating at times. 😅 But if he was serious about it then it's a good opportunity to talk to him about it. 



greenforest said:


> I'm still learning to stop letting my imagination go too far and take things one step at a time, so I don't get too excited about stuff then get disappointed.


That's wonderful. It's good that you're being level-headed about this though. That's not easy.


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## thisisme (Apr 11, 2010)

I would just try to chill and go be awesome. I have never known an enfp who didn't take the initiative to get things going when they want to.


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## greenforest (Aug 18, 2021)

thisisme said:


> I would just try to chill and go be awesome. I have never known an enfp who didn't take the initiative to get things going when they want to.


Thanks, I am trying to focus on other things. He did say we'll go out, so I'm still waiting for it to happen and I WILL ask about it if too much time passes. 
Is it possible that he just said that to avoid hurting my feelings / keep me as an option? The situation feels weirder and weirder, but again, maybe I'm just overthinking it.


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## Llyralen (Sep 4, 2017)

I haven’t read everyone’s replies, I’m sure you’re getting good advice. I think you should trust your intuition about why this is happening. Everything you wrote in your original post seems on-point to me. But how to calm down and let him figure himself out is a different matter. We ENFPs feel comfortable with decisions left open until we think everything through and process all our emotions. We like those options open, but we know sometimes they will close on us. 

My thought is to wonder if he went against his own values? Is sleeping with someone else before ending a long term relationship was new to him? If so, then he has a lot to process emotionally about himself I would think. he might have felt good about it at the time… and I don’t know… it would be tough on me to go against my values at that time. I’m unsure on that. How could he be just in the moment if he were an ENFP? If he was an ENFP then he would have thought of the consequence of all of this and it sounds like he was being sincere at the time. Any chance he didn’t talk theory and was an ESFP? You seem like you know what you’re doing with type? I don’t know… I’m also a bit baffled. Does he have complications like children? Maybe you said all this, I haven’t read all the replies.


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## greenforest (Aug 18, 2021)

Llyralen said:


> I haven’t read everyone’s replies, I’m sure you’re getting good advice. I think you should trust your intuition about why this is happening. Everything you wrote in your original post seems on-point to me. But how to calm down and let him figure himself out is a different matter. We ENFPs feel comfortable with decisions left open until we think everything through and process all our emotions. We like those options open, but we know sometimes they will close on us.
> 
> My thought is to wonder if he went against his own values? Is sleeping with someone else before ending a long term relationship was new to him? If so, then he has a lot to process emotionally about himself I would think. he might have felt good about it at the time… and I don’t know… it would be tough on me to go against my values at that time. I’m unsure on that. How could he be just in the moment if he were an ENFP? If he was an ENFP then he would have thought of the consequence of all of this and it sounds like he was being sincere at the time. Any chance he didn’t talk theory and was an ESFP? You seem like you know what you’re doing with type? I don’t know… I’m also a bit baffled. Does he have complications like children? Maybe you said all this, I haven’t read all the replies.


He is definitely an ENFP because he took the test, we talked about it, and everything I read on this type afterwards seemed to match perfectly what I know about him so far.

My intuition says he needed a bit of time to process his breakup, even though he was the one who made the decision. His mind was pretty much set on it way before we slept together - I actually think that's why he did it so easily, because he was sure he was going to break up anyway, so it didn't go against his values. (I don't know if he ever cheated on people, so can't really assume more than that)

He doesn't have any complications, he seems to want to focus on himself, his business, and his friends, I just don't really know where he stands with me and would really like to clear that up, but we need to meet for that and I can't push him too much or he'll feel controlled (just like in the relationship he just ended).


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## thisisme (Apr 11, 2010)

greenforest said:


> My intuition says he needed a bit of time to process his breakup, even though he was the one who made the decision.


I agree with you. That's a big thing. He might feel like he's in the middle of a tornado and just literally can't add one thing right now.


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## Llyralen (Sep 4, 2017)

greenforest said:


> He is definitely an ENFP because he took the test, we talked about it, and everything I read on this type afterwards seemed to match perfectly what I know about him so far.
> 
> My intuition says he needed a bit of time to process his breakup, even though he was the one who made the decision. His mind was pretty much set on it way before we slept together - I actually think that's why he did it so easily, because he was sure he was going to break up anyway, so it didn't go against his values. (I don't know if he ever cheated on people, so can't really assume more than that)
> 
> He doesn't have any complications, he seems to want to focus on himself, his business, and his friends, I just don't really know where he stands with me and would really like to clear that up, but we need to meet for that and I can't push him too much or he'll feel controlled (just like in the relationship he just ended).


Yeah. Is he still doing some communication with you? If so (and this might be hard for you—- hard enough that you might decide he isn’t worth it) instead of pushing for an answer or decision, I’d work on building the friendship you’ve got. More like: “I’m just thinking of that thing we discussed about…How are you doing after the breakup? Would you like to do something fun to take your mind off of…?”

What I’ve seen before in early stages between INFJs and ENFPs (but you are your own person of course) is that INFJs usually get impatient for closure, the word that the decision to be together has been made, at which point they feel like they can then proceed with the relationship, going forward with trust in the commitment. This is not how ENFPs make decisions, especially about love/ our future. Instead we make the commitment later after the quality of the relationship is solid and very well established. And because we understand each other so well in the beginning it can have a false-start quality in the beginning, where the ENFP feels so well understood and happy with how the relationship is that they can’t imagine anything will go wrong and assure the INFJ on that, but the ENFP knows it’s too early really to make a commitment without exploring the relationship more. The INFJ (At least I’ve seen this a few times on Personalitycafe) also feel in the beginning nothing could possibly go wrong and have the assurance from the ENFP, and so are ready for the commitment part. Basically what the ENFP was saying is that from what I know of you now I’m pretty sure we can continue to experience this wonderful relationship. Exploring the quality of the relationship IS the relationship to the ENFP. Everything depends on the quality of the relationship at this point. I can’t pretend to exactly understand the reverse of this since I’m not an INFJ but it seems like for the INFJ the relationship IS the commitment and the quality of the relationship is important to make the decision on, but then you go forward with positivity due to commitment/decision and terminate it if it goes bad. For ENFPs the importance is the actual experience of being together, which IS the relationship and then later saying I’m choosing this person over every other person and making it official. So these are perceiver versus judger differences. These differences if not understood can ruin the relationship early on. In other words, it should take him a lot longer to commit. Misunderstandings and/or differing needs and expectations in the J/P areas can make communication very difficult at this stage.

If you are still at a place where you can work on the friendship of this relationship then you can get to a place with him where he cannot do without you, he wants these experiences with you too much to explore elsewhere and will commit, but it does take focusing on the friendship and understanding how important that quality of friendship will be to him and the ExxP fear of committing at all unless he is 100% sure this is the right relationship for him.

We ENFPs are kind of baffled by the need for closure since it’s the opposite of what we feel makes a good decision. On his side he will be looking for input to figure out if you two truly work well together. The more input before he commits, the better. And I know (at least from experience here) on the INFJ side the need for the commitment is like a starting point. Basically how can we go forward without the decision? Without you saying you’re committing? It seems like that’s how you guys feel? It is also understandable and by your language and attitude he will understand this is what you want. It will be experienced like pressure to commit too early without enough data. He will resist, understand your need and what you’re asking but he will feel you can’t make good decisions like that and will feel forced. You will maybe feel like he doesn’t care, is a flake, is waffling, undependable, and like you also cannot just wait around for him to figure himself out. So a relationship that otherwise might be wonderful if you can get past this early start can get ruined at this point. And I know the huge need for predictability that I feel from INFJs that ENFPs don’t feel assured by. Assurance for the ENFP comes from the harmonious quality and brain stimulation that comes from the quality of the relationship and how many times they experience that wilh you. If he sees you as a possibility, that the wonderful qualities of that relationship will continue, then he will be trying to find out everything about you to make sure of all of this. But if he feels forced and it gets to be an impasse early on, then he will feel that he got that assurance too early and made too hasty of a decision. (Sorry for my old world language, I’ve been reading a lot of Jane Austen (NFJ by the way) this week.) 

What I would do is work on the quality of that friendship, see if you can enjoy the process and see if you actually like being with him day to day, see if you can understand each other and work well together, that’s what he will be looking at. And for him that will BE the relationship, that time spent and perceiving it as good. If he is spending time with you, then you have a relationship that is worth the time. A hard disagreement about what the next step should be now might prove to him that you guys don’t understand each other, are confusing each other, and you won’t make it.

Has he asked for more time with you or sent you some texts? If so, then he still wants to explore the relationship. If not, see if you can ask him to dinner. Ps are all about the process. You get enough proof that the quality is good and better than any other relationship, then you make your commitment.

It’s also very hard for us to break those commitments later on if we have put years of trust and have many years of good memories binding us. We put a lot of faith into those we choose, so that breakup is a big deal, a lot to process. We usually put up with a lot until there is a lot of proof it isn’t going to work, and yeah controllingness is what we won’t tolerate in the end, but I bet he still put up with a lot of it. We hardly ever get back with anyone we’ve broken up with, but we usually always try to remember the good things about them when it’s over and sometimes we take time sorting through memories in order to keep good feelings about someone. Usually we don't like holding onto the negative and memories and memory processing is important for learning on the SI-Ne axis. So right now I would bet he is learning and figuring out what he wants. New high-quality experiences can help him figure out what he wants.

Okay, I know I repeated myself trying to make myself well understood on this, but it’s still hard to realize how very different we can be. J and P have such a different way of making decisions and different set of expectations and different experience of life, even while understanding each other’s speech well and having the same kinds of intensity of feelings. I personally would just keep the high-quality coming if I wanted him and keep assessing the quality of it for myself. So good luck, I hope this helps and hopefully I explained it okay.

Main difference— Js want to make a decision as early as possible and have it still be a good decision, then feel comfortable and proceed. Ps want to gather more and more information and make a decision as late as possible (without losing the thing/ but if they think it’s too soon to judge will let it go) and feel comfortable exploring the quality, comparing the quality, etc. the romance in it is to know that if he does choose to spend time with you it is because the quality of that time is better than with anything else to him. So your worth is higher, higher not due to the commitment but instead due to the quality of what you have together. I know this is different! Good luck. Ask questions if you would like.


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## Llyralen (Sep 4, 2017)

@greenforest. I edited, hopefully to make a few more points and to clarify. I hope it helps.

Edit: Wow, I wonder if by saying focus on the friendship you think I mean that he will only want to be friends or that I mean to keep physical intimacy out of it, that is not what I mean. I mean we ENFPs want our romantic relationship to also be the most wonderful friendship of our lives. I mean work on the caring and interesting part of the relationship— the good experience of the relationship- rather than pushing for him to commit.

Man, this could have also been a huge miscommunication. ENFPs have lots of acquaintances but we often have only a few close friends who we will tell what is really going on with ourselves and our emotions. The people in that tight group (it might be just 1-5 people) are who really matter the most to us. I have 2. My husband who is my best friend and my best friend @ai.tran.75. We are super picky about who can be that close to us and Stan the rest of time, that kind of friendship-romance is what I’m suggesting, basically just the closeness, the quality of acceptance and intimacy. That’s what I’m saying. I’m not saying don’t go for the physical aspects as well, I’m just saying most ENFps will be looking To build a relationship that will seem like the best one that can possibly be found and created, the ideal. Usually the most intimate, fun, interesting, caring, creative relationship possible. Pressure of a different sort, I see. Okay, enough from me.


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## greenforest (Aug 18, 2021)

Llyralen said:


> Yeah. Is he still doing some communication with you? If so (and this might be hard for you—- hard enough that you might decide he isn’t worth it) instead of pushing for an answer or decision, I’d work on building the friendship you’ve got. More like: “I’m just thinking of that thing we discussed about…How are you doing after the breakup? Would you like to do something fun to take your mind off of…?”
> 
> What I’ve seen before in early stages between INFJs and ENFPs (but you are your own person of course) is that INFJs usually get impatient for closure, the word that the decision to be together has been made, at which point they feel like they can then proceed with the relationship, going forward with trust in the commitment. This is not how ENFPs make decisions, especially about love/ our future. Instead we make the commitment later after the quality of the relationship is solid and very well established. And because we understand each other so well in the beginning it can have a false-start quality in the beginning, where the ENFP feels so well understood and happy with how the relationship is that they can’t imagine anything will go wrong and assure the INFJ on that, but the ENFP knows it’s too early really to make a commitment without exploring the relationship more. The INFJ (At least I’ve seen this a few times on Personalitycafe) also feel in the beginning nothing could possibly go wrong and have the assurance from the ENFP, and so are ready for the commitment part. Basically what the ENFP was saying is that from what I know of you now I’m pretty sure we can continue to experience this wonderful relationship. Exploring the quality of the relationship IS the relationship to the ENFP. Everything depends on the quality of the relationship at this point. I can’t pretend to exactly understand the reverse of this since I’m not an INFJ but it seems like for the INFJ the relationship IS the commitment and the quality of the relationship is important to make the decision on, but then you go forward with positivity due to commitment/decision and terminate it if it goes bad. For ENFPs the importance is the actual experience of being together, which IS the relationship and then later saying I’m choosing this person over every other person and making it official. So these are perceiver versus judger differences. These differences if not understood can ruin the relationship early on. In other words, it should take him a lot longer to commit. Misunderstandings and/or differing needs and expectations in the J/P areas can make communication very difficult at this stage.
> 
> ...


Wow, your insights are really helpful! 😄

Yes, he continues to communicate, but doesn't text much - maybe it's not his style, I noticed he prefers calls whenever there is something to chat about. My interpretation of this: he doesn't like small talk and sending random stuff just to chat. He contacted me today to apologize for not being able to go out with me (as he promised) until next week (for very valid reasons), which I appreciated.

One thing that I don't really know if it's a good or bad sign: he's the one who calls but he always seems to be talking about himself and never asks me any questions about me, what I'm doing, how I am, etc. My optimistic self wants to believe that's because he's leaving that stuff for the face to face meeting, but I'm not sure. I did let him know via text that I had a great time with him last time we met, and he seemed happy about it but didn't really continue the conversation - I don't want to interpret this the wrong way (he's avoiding the subject, maybe I shouldn't have said that, etc.) Based on your answer, it might mean he's waiting for the next time we meet to get a better picture of our connection, which, to be honest, I am too.

Should I talk to him about his past relationship? Like really ask about details, what went wrong, how he felt, blah blah, in a friendly way of course, and telling my personal stories as well. How about asking where he's at currently, as in is he looking for a new partner, is he looking for freedom for a while, etc.? I'm thinking this last part is not a great idea as it might feel like pushing for a decision.

I wonder how you'd define "spending time with me to assess the quality of the relationship" given that we've already slept together. Aside from talking and getting to know each other, should I expect more intimacy or should I initiate it? (without any pressure for commitment) Should I refrain from it altogether and let him decide if he wants that? This makes it all a bit weird, getting back to a friendly situation after sleeping together. Should I try to talk about what happened or try to make sense of it with him to see what his perspective is? I mean, I want to be honest and talk it all out, but if it might hurt the future relationship, I'd rather shut up.

Do ENFPs tend to do this with multiple people at the same time? Assessing the quality of the relationship until they decide to commit.

I do feel the need to KNOW FOR SURE what's going on but I'm willing to give the ENFP a chance to decide at his own pace, I'm just trying to avoid making mistakes along the way...


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## Llyralen (Sep 4, 2017)

greenforest said:


> Wow, your insights are really helpful! 😄
> 
> Yes, he continues to communicate, but doesn't text much - maybe it's not his style, I noticed he prefers calls whenever there is something to chat about. My interpretation of this: he doesn't like small talk and sending random stuff just to chat. He contacted me today to apologize for not being able to go out with me (as he promised) until next week (for very valid reasons), which I appreciated.
> 
> ...


Him calling you, I am going to see as pursuing the relationship with you. It sounds like you guys luckily didn’t have some kind of stand-off yet. Actually when we really like someone and feel we can trust them we are likely to go on about ourselves, so that’s a balance to be worked on— and actually taught. I would say balance in that area is a taught thing for ENFPs. And the only times I’ve been really aware of this myself is with NFJs because with S’s I don’t usually want to run on. Anyway, it’s an absolutely compliment to you. 

If I feel I’m going on too much and someone who is a very good listener isn’t volunteering enough of their own information, if I work on this balance but it still happens and I can’t get them to talk more but I’m too eager myself to talk and hear their understanding I can sometimes feel shame over not liking my own behavior during the relationship which is also not good for the relationship. A few “Okay, ready to hear about my day too?” Kind of things. He will get it. You can make it into a game even “Okay, but for my day I want you to just ask me questions.” If you feel like doing that. He will definitely want to hear about you, maybe just volunteer a bit more to help out with that balance if he is struggling with it. Actually I know some ENFPs don’t know this can be a problem, maybe because they are used to people who want to talk a lot? Actually I think it’s because of the scarcity of INFJs. Lol. Anyway, he might be so happy to really feel understood that he is naive right now about that, but we are sensitive and he will probably become aware and then want to work on it. 

Actually, if he is calling you, he is continuing the relationship. To us that means you guys have a relationship, so just keep it up, it will get closer. You’ll be able to ask all of these questions yourself. It seems very unlikely that he is pursuing someone else. It sounds like the quality of your friendship, understanding together, and physical relationship was what made him realize he could find much better than he had and drove the nail into that coffin. So I think just continue. He is, he is calling you. 

Do you guys have plans to spend time together coming up?


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## greenforest (Aug 18, 2021)

Llyralen said:


> Him calling you, I am going to see as pursuing the relationship with you. It sounds like you guys luckily didn’t have some kind of stand-off yet. Actually when we really like someone and feel we can trust them we are likely to go on about ourselves, so that’s a balance to be worked on— and actually taught. I would say balance in that area is a taught thing for ENFPs. And the only times I’ve been really aware of this myself is with NFJs because with S’s I don’t usually want to run on. Anyway, it’s an absolutely compliment to you.
> 
> If I feel I’m going on too much and someone who is a very good listener isn’t volunteering enough of their own information, if I work on this balance but it still happens and I can’t get them to talk more but I’m too eager myself to talk and hear their understanding I can sometimes feel shame over not liking my own behavior during the relationship which is also not good for the relationship. A few “Okay, ready to hear about my day too?” Kind of things. He will get it. You can make it into a game even “Okay, but for my day I want you to just ask me questions.” If you feel like doing that. He will definitely want to hear about you, maybe just volunteer a bit more to help out with that balance if he is struggling with it. Actually I know some ENFPs don’t know this can be a problem, maybe because they are used to people who want to talk a lot? Actually I think it’s because of the scarcity of INFJs. Lol. Anyway, he might be so happy to really feel understood that he is naive right now about that, but we are sensitive and he will probably become aware and then want to work on it.
> 
> ...


Hmm so the thing is, he is only calling as a continuation to texting, because he doesn't like to type I guess, he's never just called out of the blue. Actually the last few times he called were after I initiated the text after a silent period, so that's what makes me unsure of his interest.

What you're saying is encouraging though! I'm there to listen to him and I always try to ask questions to keep the conversation going when he goes on and on about his stuff. Sometimes I don't know how to continue the conversation without saying something about me haha, I hope he doesn't feel cut off.

I wouldn't say we have a friendship/relationship yet, we only met once in person! We should meet next week, hopefully, unless something else happens (his schedule is unpredictable, it gives me anxiety lol). I'm actually planning to ask him to play a "game" where we each ask a question and both of us respond (about life, personal stuff, passions, whatever). I even have a list of subjects to discuss haha, I'm totally overthinking this


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## Llyralen (Sep 4, 2017)

greenforest said:


> Hmm so the thing is, he is only calling as a continuation to texting, because he doesn't like to type I guess, he's never just called out of the blue. Actually the last few times he called were after I initiated the text after a silent period, so that's what makes me unsure of his interest.
> 
> What you're saying is encouraging though! I'm there to listen to him and I always try to ask questions to keep the conversation going when he goes on and on about his stuff. Sometimes I don't know how to continue the conversation without saying something about me haha, I hope he doesn't feel cut off.
> 
> I wouldn't say we have a friendship/relationship yet, we only met once in person! We should meet next week, hopefully, unless something else happens (his schedule is unpredictable, it gives me anxiety lol). I'm actually planning to ask him to play a "game" where we each ask a question and both of us respond (about life, personal stuff, passions, whatever). I even have a list of subjects to discuss haha, I'm totally overthinking this


Sounds like fun to me! Go ahead and cuddle him if he seems open to it. I bet he’s just had a lot to process, and I wonder if he thought to himself “Wait! I should take this slowly!” but what is he saying though? Is he giving you any feedback about how he likes talking to you or feedback about being excited to see you? If so, that’s real. Because the quality of being together is the relationship to us, when he puts himself into your shoes he will either be trying to give you feedback on the quality he perceives is there and/or signals about the pace he thinks is wise to go forward with. I really think a commitment would be further away for many of us. But that’s the kind of cues he would be giving, I would think. But if he is perceiving this as a very positive relationship that he loves, he will give you feedback like that and he will keep moving forward with you. How romantic! Keep us posted.


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## greenforest (Aug 18, 2021)

Llyralen said:


> Sounds like fun to me! Go ahead and cuddle him if he seems open to it. I bet he’s just had a lot to process, and I wonder if he thought to himself “Wait! I should take this slowly!” but what is he saying though? Is he giving you any feedback about how he likes talking to you or feedback about being excited to see you? If so, that’s real. Because the quality of being together is the relationship to us, when he puts himself into your shoes he will either be trying to give you feedback on the quality he perceives is there and/or signals about the pace he thinks is wise to go forward with. I really think a commitment would be further away for many of us. But that’s the kind of cues he would be giving, I would think. But if he is perceiving this as a very positive relationship that he loves, he will give you feedback like that and he will keep moving forward with you. How romantic! Keep us posted.


That's the feeling I get, he wants to take a step back but still explore it - not sure to what extent, but we'll see when we meet. A lot of this texting and talking on the phone might be misleading and up for interpretation, nothing beats real life interaction and seeing his expressions and gestures and all that. 

It's definitely more romantic in my imagination than in real life! He hasn't given me that much feedback, honestly (do happy or winky emojis count?), so he's either extremely subtle, or unsure about it, or avoiding it until he gets more data on the quality of the connection. I think if I ask about his opinion on some of this stuff he would answer though, as long as I'm chill about it and not forcing anything.


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## Llyralen (Sep 4, 2017)

greenforest said:


> That's the feeling I get, he wants to take a step back but still explore it - not sure to what extent, but we'll see when we meet. A lot of this texting and talking on the phone might be misleading and up for interpretation, nothing beats real life interaction and seeing his expressions and gestures and all that.
> 
> It's definitely more romantic in my imagination than in real life! He hasn't given me that much feedback, honestly (do happy or winky emojis count?), so he's either extremely subtle, or unsure about it, or avoiding it until he gets more data on the quality of the connection. I think if I ask about his opinion on some of this stuff he would answer though, as long as I'm chill about it and not forcing anything.


It sounds like it to me. I bet his real decision is to keep going with you and take it one step at a time. So he won’t know the extent yet, he has to find out as you two go along. I know… that’s a tough thing. For Ps there is a fear of making the wrong decision if made too early. Still, I expect he will actually put a lot into finding out as soon as he has his Ti Essex what he needs to (hopefully not too long) and if he doesn’t put in a lot of effort with you then you should make it clear that you will move on. 

It sounds to me like you can trust your intuition to ask him questions the way you are saying. That’s also my intuition talking there. You’ll figure it out. 

I think as we get older we kind of learn more about the merit of both ways of making decisions, both J and P, but we still have that solid first preference and it’s still frustrating sometimes.

My husband and I have the E and I difference, but it’s good for growth that way. Good for learning balance too to have E/I and J/P., imo.


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## greenforest (Aug 18, 2021)

Llyralen said:


> It sounds like it to me. I bet his real decision is to keep going with you and take it one step at a time. So he won’t know the extent yet, he has to find out as you two go along. I know… that’s a tough thing. For Ps there is a fear of making the wrong decision if made too early. Still, I expect he will actually put a lot into finding out as soon as he has his Ti Essex what he needs to (hopefully not too long) and if he doesn’t put in a lot of effort with you then you should make it clear that you will move on.


I wonder how long this process will take if it's been a month and we haven't even had a second meeting (wouldn't call it date yet). We had a brief 10 min encounter the other day and he seemed chill, friendly, the same way I've met him the first time, so no change there (probably that's just how he is with everyone) - this helped me realize that if he doesn't say anything for a while, it's nothing personal and it doesn't mean he ignores me on purpose. It does bug me a bit, but if it doesn't affect the real life connection, I can accept it. I'm hoping this will change once we get to know each other better, we'll have more to talk about, etc.

He doesn't seem to be in a hurry AT ALL to move this further in a way or another, my impression is that he's open to keeping the connection going BUT without making too much effort - btw, he's much better at listening face to face than on the phone, phew! I guess we're on the same page with meeting in person is better than text/calls.


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## Llyralen (Sep 4, 2017)

greenforest said:


> I wonder how long this process will take if it's been a month and we haven't even had a second meeting (wouldn't call it date yet). We had a brief 10 min encounter the other day and he seemed chill, friendly, the same way I've met him the first time, so no change there (probably that's just how he is with everyone) - this helped me realize that if he doesn't say anything for a while, it's nothing personal and it doesn't mean he ignores me on purpose. It does bug me a bit, but if it doesn't affect the real life connection, I can accept it. I'm hoping this will change once we get to know each other better, we'll have more to talk about, etc.
> 
> He doesn't seem to be in a hurry AT ALL to move this further in a way or another, my impression is that he's open to keeping the connection going BUT without making too much effort - btw, he's much better at listening face to face than on the phone, phew! I guess we're on the same page with meeting in person is better than text/calls.


If he isn’t moving things forward by the irking to spend time with you, I’d move on. If ENFP men are ready to pursue someone, then they do. I bet he’s getting his bearings, getting used to being single again. He probably had intentions with you at the time but has found that he’s got a lot to figure out before he gets into another relationship. He knows your feelings? And yeah you can reproach him a bit with this (up to you if you want to door-slam, but we don’t door slam so it always seems unwarranted to us, but whatever you need to do for your emotional health I encourage you to do) and say “Hey I thought you’d gotten serious about dating me, was it just too soon?I was interested and had a great time, but I’m going to move on, okay?” He will probably apologize and say he thought he was ready for a new relationship but has found he isn’t ready yet.”

That sucks. At least a conversation like this allows him to tell you what was going on with his thoughts and if he is still hoping to date, but yeah, I wouldn’t wait around for him.


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## greenforest (Aug 18, 2021)

Llyralen said:


> If he isn’t moving things forward by the irking to spend time with you, I’d move on. If ENFP men are ready to pursue someone, then they do. I bet he’s getting his bearings, getting used to being single again. He probably had intentions with you at the time but has found that he’s got a lot to figure out before he gets into another relationship. He knows your feelings? And yeah you can reproach him a bit with this (up to you if you want to door-slam, but we don’t door slam so it always seems unwarranted to us, but whatever you need to do for your emotional health I encourage you to do) and say “Hey I thought you’d gotten serious about dating me, was it just too soon?I was interested and had a great time, but I’m going to move on, okay?” He will probably apologize and say he thought he was ready for a new relationship but has found he isn’t ready yet.”
> 
> That sucks. At least a conversation like this allows him to tell you what was going on with his thoughts and if he is still hoping to date, but yeah, I wouldn’t wait around for him.


I don't think he had serious intentions the first time, it just felt right at the time and he went with the flow. I'm sure he needs his time after his breakup and I won't do anything to rush him, I'll just be friendly and interested to get to know him. I wouldn't tell him I'll move on, especially because I am definitely not ready to move on! I feel like there is something that could be good here and it seems like it's too early to decide that it's not worth it (for both sides). I don't mind if there's waiting involved, I have other stuff to do in life in the meantime. Hey, worst case, we remain friends, and I learn how to deal with ENFPs. No need for door slams  I might just start dating other people in a few months if this looks like it's not moving on.

I'm still waiting for that next meeting to see how things go and maybe clear up some of our expectations - we'll definitely go out sometime soon, that's still on the table. So, I will update 😄


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## jockthemotie (Aug 6, 2010)

Ps don't take initiative; they take advantage.


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## Llyralen (Sep 4, 2017)

jockthemotie said:


> Ps don't take initiative; they take advantage.


Could you elaborate on your thought?

I always think initiative should be equally shared and if not, then the other person isn’t really interested. I’ve also become friends with people who kept initiating who I hadn’t seen the possibilities with until they made the effort. I figured they really wanted my friendship and that meant a lot to me. Of course if I really wasn’t interested then me refusing time together eventually worked. 

Take advantage, though? What do you mean?


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## Llyralen (Sep 4, 2017)

greenforest said:


> I don't think he had serious intentions the first time, it just felt right at the time and he went with the flow. I'm sure he needs his time after his breakup and I won't do anything to rush him, I'll just be friendly and interested to get to know him. I wouldn't tell him I'll move on, especially because I am definitely not ready to move on! I feel like there is something that could be good here and it seems like it's too early to decide that it's not worth it (for both sides). I don't mind if there's waiting involved, I have other stuff to do in life in the meantime. Hey, worst case, we remain friends, and I learn how to deal with ENFPs. No need for door slams  I might just start dating other people in a few months if this looks like it's not moving on.
> 
> I'm still waiting for that next meeting to see how things go and maybe clear up some of our expectations - we'll definitely go out sometime soon, that's still on the table. So, I will update 😄


Okay, I support your judgement and intuition. Good luck and keep us posted!


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## greenforest (Aug 18, 2021)

Guys, I have an update... the ENFP guy I was talking about seems to just want to take a break from relationships at the moment and I won't insist any further on anything other than friendship.

HOWEVER... in the meantime I met another ENFP 😂 I've actually known this guy since college but we haven't spoken in like a decade. We chatted randomly and found out that both of us were out in town with friends in the same area so we decided to meet for a drink and catch up. We were kind of attracted to each other in the past but nothing ever happened because we had other things going on at the time - apparently now we're finally both single. We had a great time, danced, talked about personal stuff we never talked about before, and when the bar we were at kicked us out (it was super late!) he suggested we go to his place. I probably would've gone (and we all know what that would've led to) but fortunately I had something to do early in the morning so I told him that I HAVE to go home to sleep for a bit so he didn't insist. He accompanied me to my place (I didn't invite him in or anything) and we kissed before he left, saying he was very glad we met.

I wasn't sure of his personality type at that moment (he wasn't either) but we're both into this kind of stuff so I told him to take the test the next day... and BAM! ENFP. I thought "Haha, great, I'm already prepared for this!" Turns out, I'm definitely not prepared so I still need your help . So during our night out he told me he was going on a trip with friends next month, and asked if I wanted to go with them. A few days after I bought my tickets for the trip so now we have something planned.

Now my problem is... he's not really taking initiative in chatting and hasn't said anything about meeting again. He responds to all my messages quite quickly though. I wonder if now that we have something planned just makes it a sure thing so he doesn't need to bother anymore? I'm definitely more relaxed because I know we'll spend 3 days together next month, but still, given that you like someone, why wouldn't you want to chat with them / see them? I'm noticing a pattern and I'm not sure if it's an ENFP thing or a modern dating scene thing.

There's also another issue that I'm not sure how to approach and the more time passes the weirder it gets. We're basically going on this trip with a group of people that I don't know, and I have no idea if he plans to stay in the same room with me or not, as he never mentioned it. My first thought would be to just ask him directly if he'll stay with me but I'm afraid that comes off as pushing for some kind of commitment and I don't want to assume anything. I could also say something like "Who am I going to share the room with?" to be more indirect and see what he says. Ugh, I'm overthinking again.

Any thoughts on this?


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## FreeKekistan (Mar 4, 2015)

greenforest said:


> Any thoughts on this?


Just one. Why you do this to yourself? I wouldn't have bothered to buy tickets or make any plans until I see proper interest. Not just a date. Not just one kiss. And definitely not going on a trip somewhere with some chick from the past I don't really know where I get to spend time with people I don't know.

Going on a trip somewhere is reserved for those that earned it. I wouldn't give it away for free. You know, if I would be that guy and would see you basically throw yourself at my feet after one date I'd be a little weirded out.

And I am after reading this. I'd press the eject button so fast my hand would get a speeding ticket. NOPE!


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## Electra (Oct 24, 2014)

greenforest said:


> Guys, I have an update... the ENFP guy I was talking about seems to just want to take a break from relationships at the moment and I won't insist any further on anything other than friendship.
> 
> HOWEVER... in the meantime I met another ENFP 😂 I've actually known this guy since college but we haven't spoken in like a decade. We chatted randomly and found out that both of us were out in town with friends in the same area so we decided to meet for a drink and catch up. We were kind of attracted to each other in the past but nothing ever happened because we had other things going on at the time - apparently now we're finally both single. We had a great time, danced, talked about personal stuff we never talked about before, and when the bar we were at kicked us out (it was super late!) he suggested we go to his place. I probably would've gone (and we all know what that would've led to) but fortunately I had something to do early in the morning so I told him that I HAVE to go home to sleep for a bit so he didn't insist. He accompanied me to my place (I didn't invite him in or anything) and we kissed before he left, saying he was very glad we met.
> 
> ...


It sounds strange. I rarely contact people unless I know them or trust them (or if there are some issue ala I lost my wallet and need to call the bank, offcourse). Even then I can have trouble contacting. Just because I have a need for human contact doesn't meen I don't struggle with it...specially taking initiative for contact. I don't know if this is his issue too, or if he just uses you like a tool, or something else? It's too soon to know after this short period of time. I wouldn't draw any hasty conclutions before I know him better. If he scored ENFP and answered honestly he should - theoreticly speaking - be into people, though.


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## greenforest (Aug 18, 2021)

FreeKekistan said:


> Just one. Why you do this to yourself? I wouldn't have bothered to buy tickets or make any plans until I see proper interest. Not just a date. Not just one kiss. And definitely not going on a trip somewhere with some chick from the past I don't really know where I get to spend time with people I don't know.
> 
> Going on a trip somewhere is reserved for those that earned it. I wouldn't give it away for free. You know, if I would be that guy and would see you basically throw yourself at my feet after one date I'd be a little weirded out.
> 
> And I am after reading this. I'd press the eject button so fast my hand would get a speeding ticket. NOPE!


Haha I get your perspective, and it's a good point. We're not really strangers though, we've always had a pretty good connection as friends before the 10-year gap happened (my fault actually) and he probably invited me to come as a friend before the kiss happened.

I don't know what "proper interest" would be, my intuition believes he showed interest and I'm tired of playing these dating games people play nowadays, so I'm just being myself. It's obvious that we like each other, so I think of this trip as a good opportunity to get to know each other better and have fun, it's just the room situation that is a bit awkward because we didn't discuss it yet. He didn't seem scared when I told him I'm coming, I actually gave him an indirect opportunity to say no and he didn't take it.

So if a friend invites you to join them on a fun activity where you can also meet new people, accepting means you're throwing yourself at them? I never thought of it like this. I wonder how an ENFP sees it. I don't want to treat him differently just because we kissed, I'm not expecting him to marry me now! 😂


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## greenforest (Aug 18, 2021)

Electra said:


> It sounds strange. I rarely contact people unless I know them or trust them (or if there are some issue ala I lost my wallet and need to call the bank, offcourse). Even then I can have trouble contacting. Just because I have a need for human contact doesn't meen I don't struggle with it...specially taking initiative for contact. I don't know if this is his issue too, or if he just uses you like a tool, or something else? It's too soon to know after this short period of time. I wouldn't draw any hasty conclutions before I know him better. If he scored ENFP and answered honestly he should - theoreticly speaking - be into people, though.


Yeah, he's definitely into people and has a lot of friends. He probably does talk more to people he's closer to, I actually know he's been talking about me with some common friends.

I went back and read some of our conversations from the past and apparently his style hasn't changed that much, he used to initiate contact maybe once or twice a month when there was something to discuss, not just for random chats. The discussions seemed to be more like follow-ups to something that happened when we met in person. I'm sure he's busier now than he was in school, so I'm taking that into account.

I did notice both ENFPs I've been talking about tend to be more chatty in person and act differently online, but they do respond and continue conversations as long as I ask questions, so I see that as a positive thing. My assumption is this might change once we meet in person a bunch of times - there will be more stuff to talk about, more things in common.


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## FreeKekistan (Mar 4, 2015)

greenforest said:


> So if a friend invites you to join them on a fun activity where you can also meet new people, accepting means you're throwing yourself at them? I never thought of it like this. I wonder how an ENFP sees it. I don't want to treat him differently just because we kissed, I'm not expecting him to marry me now! 😂


I don't kiss my friends. I mean, maybe on the cheek, that's a cultural thing in the place where I live. I never kiss friends on the cheek. Are you going there as a friend or as a girlfriend? If you're going as a friend why are you worried about things related to a possible relationship? It doesn't make sense.


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## greenforest (Aug 18, 2021)

FreeKekistan said:


> I don't kiss my friends. I mean, maybe on the cheek, that's a cultural thing in the place where I live. I never kiss friends on the cheek. Are you going there as a friend or as a girlfriend? If you're going as a friend why are you worried about things related to a possible relationship? It doesn't make sense.


Honestly, it's something in between, a friend that has the potential to become more than that. I'm trying not to be too rigid about my expectations in regards to the outcome of it. It all depends on his behavior once we get there. The goal is to have a good time, really, as we both like traveling, not to push him to start a relationship if he doesn't seem to want that. I'm not even sure if I want that to begin with, it's too early. What's wrong with exploring just to see where things go?


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## FreeKekistan (Mar 4, 2015)

greenforest said:


> What's wrong with exploring just to see where things go?


The problem is that you sit in a confused state that does neither of you any favors. That is why you need to be clear and precise in what you want. You expect him to take the initiative, but do your actions signal anything correctly or is it just mixed and confusing, therefore making him think this is just all fun and nothing else?

Do you want a relationship with him? Yes or no. Living in between is probably the most miserable place someone can be in emotionally. So why put yourself through the misery?

Signal him that you want a relationship or that you want a friendship. If you were after a friendship, your previous posts would have not existed. You're not exploring, you're hoping that it leads to where you want it to lead, but don't signal it properly.

If you're a more traditional woman, then signal and let him do the moves. If you're a more modern woman, consider taking the control and stop second guessing the whole situation.

Guys can't guess what you're thinking. I'm talking in general, about women. Either signal clearly your interest and intentions or stop. There is no middle if you're after a happy proper relationship.

Signaling doesn't mean sending nudes. It means concise actions or words that clearly signal you are open to the idea of a relationship. Or just take action and ask him out if you're not into signaling.


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## greenforest (Aug 18, 2021)

FreeKekistan said:


> The problem is that you sit in a confused state that does neither of you any favors. That is why you need to be clear and precise in what you want. You expect him to take the initiative, but do your actions signal anything correctly or is it just mixed and confusing, therefore making him think this is just all fun and nothing else?
> 
> Do you want a relationship with him? Yes or no. Living in between is probably the most miserable place someone can be in emotionally. So why put yourself through the misery?
> 
> ...


The problem is it's too early to know if I want a relationship, we still have to get to know each other in order for me to be sure. From what I noticed so far, he's not very clear about it either. Maybe we both have commitment issues!

I thought I already signaled my interest in him by going on this trip - as a response to his kissing initiative. He's basically the one who will decide what moves he wants to make once we're there. I'd ask him out until then but me taking more initiatives now would probably seem too pushy. It has to be 50-50 or at least close to it.

Also I'm pretty sure that if I bring up a relationship this early that would scare the guy off. I can, however, clear up some of our expectations once we spend more time together. A lot can be clarified if we're stuck with each other for 3 days. I think going with a group makes it a bit more of a neutral ground, and I get to see his behavior towards me when he's with his friends.

Anyway, this whole discussion started from the unknown accommodation situation, because that will say more about his intentions, I just don't know what would be a proper way to ask this.


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## FreeKekistan (Mar 4, 2015)

greenforest said:


> The problem is it's too early to know if I want a relationship[...]


If you mean in general, them I think this is a terrible response, because you should know if you're after a relationship before anything. If it is with him that you're meaning, then it's not horrible, it is fine as a response.



greenforest said:


> A lot can be clarified if we're stuck with each other for 3 days. I think going with a group makes it a bit more of a neutral ground, and I get to see his behavior towards me when he's with his friends.


If the other friends are couples, this trip will actually skew your data badly, and will be far from neutral ground, because then you will be the odd ones out and then you kinda have some outside force to push you together. Or if they're not couples, what's to tell he's not gonna hang out with some other chick and you're stuck for 3 days around?
I mean, to me it is strange, I wouldn't take a girl I have no interest in on a trip with my friends. That's why I think this whole thing is an emotional mess or potentially one. Everything is fuzzy, nothing is clear, there isn't a set starting point, a set direction, a measure to quantify success. For me this would be a complete hassle.

I am curious to see how it goes once you get back. Maybe I'm wrong and I'm not in tune with the dating world and the modern rules. I could be too old fashioned for all of this and delivering what used to be common sense advice from my dating days that is now obsolete.


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## greenforest (Aug 18, 2021)

FreeKekistan said:


> If you mean in general, them I think this is a terrible response, because you should know if you're after a relationship before anything. If it is with him that you're meaning, then it's not horrible, it is fine as a response.


I was talking about him specifically. Yes, I do want a relationship in general. Back in my college days, if you kissed someone you were already in a relationship, but I'm quickly learning that nowadays that's not the case so I'm trying to be more open to exploring before pushing for anything serious.



FreeKekistan said:


> If the other friends are couples, this trip will actually skew your data badly, and will be far from neutral ground, because then you will be the odd ones out and then you kinda have some outside force to push you together. Or if they're not couples, what's to tell he's not gonna hang out with some other chick and you're stuck for 3 days around?


I don't think they're all couples, just a hunch. He kind of implied that they're all just friends, so my assumption is he doesn't have a love interest in that group. Sure, I might be wrong. I don't think he'll just leave me alone with the others at least in the beginning when I barely know them. I'll make it a point to get to know them as well, since I could definitely use more friends and I don't want him to think I'm only there to be glued to him at all times haha.



FreeKekistan said:


> I mean, to me it is strange, I wouldn't take a girl I have no interest in on a trip with my friends. That's why I think this whole thing is an emotional mess or potentially one. Everything is fuzzy, nothing is clear, there isn't a set starting point, a set direction, a measure to quantify success. For me this would be a complete hassle.


I know, I hate uncertainty, but I'm learning to go more with the flow. It all started when we talked about how I'm trying to get out more and meet more people, so he said I should join on this trip. Now the fact that we kissed after that did make it a bit more awkward, so yeah, he probably did have an interest when he first invited me. Whether that's just sex or a relationship, time will tell.



FreeKekistan said:


> I am curious to see how it goes once you get back. Maybe I'm wrong and I'm not in tune with the dating world and the modern rules. I could be too old fashioned for all of this and delivering what used to be common sense advice from my dating days that is now obsolete.


The dating world is messed up, I agree. I came out of a long term relationship and I now feel like I have to re-adapt to society after living in a cave 😂
I'm anxious about meeting total strangers so that's why I prefer meeting people I'm already familiar with in some way. I've always liked this guy so it's worth giving it a shot.


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## Llyralen (Sep 4, 2017)

Well @greenforest I think you should for sure talk to him directly. 
I'm sure he was a bit surprised, like I am, that you bought tickets without having a prior talk about the accommodations and what to expect on the trip from him. I would think you must be very brave and confident with new people to do what you did the way you did it. Anyway, please talk to him. If you're old friends hopefully that won't be too hard to have a direct talk. Tell him how you feel and your fears about going, and if he is an ENFP and an old friend, he will help you out so that you do what is best for you in the given circumstances. You might find out more about how he feels about you. 

I think I've invited people places before, but I usually always expect that if they are interested they will ask questions. We want to make sure people have good information to do what is best for themselves, so he needs more information about how you are feeling and he will probably give you more information about how he is feeling so that you can make good decisions for yourself. 

Keep looking before you leap, make sure you are safe physically and emotionally. ENFPs expect people to know how to do this for themselves. We believe is being free agents and other people also free agents. Hopefully this is a good solid guy you can get honest info from. Be safe out there.


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## greenforest (Aug 18, 2021)

Llyralen said:


> Well @greenforest I think you should for sure talk to him directly.
> I'm sure he was a bit surprised, like I am, that you bought tickets without having a prior talk about the accommodations and what to expect on the trip from him. I would think you must be very brave and confident with new people to do what you did the way you did it. Anyway, please talk to him. If you're old friends hopefully that won't be too hard to have a direct talk. Tell him how you feel and your fears about going, and if he is an ENFP and an old friend, he will help you out so that you do what is best for you in the given circumstances. You might find out more about how he feels about you.
> 
> I think I've invited people places before, but I usually always expect that if they are interested they will ask questions. We want to make sure people have good information to do what is best for themselves, so he needs more information about how you are feeling and he will probably give you more information about how he is feeling so that you can make good decisions for yourself.
> ...


Thanks for the insights. Yes, we did talk and I asked questions before I bought my tickets, the only thing that remained unclear was if I'll be staying with him, but that will be clarified soon when we all decide on booking an accommodation (he'll keep me in the loop about it). I'll just go ahead and ask who I'll be staying with and see what he says!

I see everyone thinks this is a bit weird and too soon but I do trust this guy. My mistake is that I didn't clarify what we'd be going as (friends/something else) before getting tickets, but I'm not 100% sure he knows either.


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## Llyralen (Sep 4, 2017)

greenforest said:


> Thanks for the insights. Yes, we did talk and I asked questions before I bought my tickets, the only thing that remained unclear was if I'll be staying with him, but that will be clarified soon when we all decide on booking an accommodation (he'll keep me in the loop about it). I'll just go ahead and ask who I'll be staying with and see what he says!
> 
> I see everyone thinks this is a bit weird and too soon but I do trust this guy. My mistake is that I didn't clarify what we'd be going as (friends/something else) before getting tickets, but I'm not 100% sure he knows either.


Of course he doesn't know... that's INFJ talk there. It's not how we work. We explore more before deciding things like "friend or girlfriend". That's the whole thing we've been talking about. Still, I think it's very brave to be swimming in uncharted waters. I would be nervous to be with mostly strangers. Let him know you're nervous (if you are) so that he will know to watch out for you socially a bit... unless you're not nervous about that. Good luck.


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## greenforest (Aug 18, 2021)

Llyralen said:


> Of course he doesn't know... that's INFJ talk there. It's not how we work. We explore more before deciding things like "friend or girlfriend". That's the whole thing we've been talking about. Still, I think it's very brave to be swimming in uncharted waters. I would be nervous to be with mostly strangers. Let him know you're nervous (if you are) so that he will know to watch out for you socially a bit... unless you're not nervous about that. Good luck.


Actually I'm more nervous about our situation than about being with strangers haha, as long as I know at least one person in a group I'm always okay. The "uncharted waters" situation is new for me but it's all part of me learning to be more spontaneous and learning to deal with uncertainty. Hopefully it doesn't backfire... I'll get back with updates!


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## greenforest (Aug 18, 2021)

Sooo I'm back with updates if anyone is interested. I went on the trip with ENFP #2 and we ended up spending 3 nights together in the same room. However, throughout the entire time he gave me the impression that he's interested in another girl from the group, which totally turned me off (emotionally) and made me realize I wouldn't want a relationship with this guy, but we're fine as friends or something casual at most. 

Now, the more unexpected event is that ENFP #1 (the guy from my original post) came back in the picture and we finally had our second meeting (we didn't call it a date) after 2 months. Went to his place, talked for hours about everything, I ended up staying until the next day, we even had breakfast. It's weird that all of this happened like it was expected, both from his part and mine - like we both knew what was going to happen when we meet, no surprises there lol. He seemed to enjoy our time together, but we still haven't discussed where this is going (so far it just looks like friends with benefits to me, although he never said that). He mentioned he can't promise he's able to be "a relationship person" in general, because he likes the freedom to experience all that life has to offer. I don't think a healthy relationship would prevent him from enjoying life, but I can understand why he's hesitant after a few failed relationships. As a result, I don't intend to push him in any way, but I realize that I want to continue to see him even without an official relationship. 

We did talk about a theoretical next "meeting" so at the moment I'm just waiting to see when that happens. It's already been a month since we saw each other. I'm not sure if he's dating other people in the meantime, I know for sure he's been with one other person and he had a bad experience, as he himself told me! I don't know how to feel about so much honesty - I like it, but does it mean he just sees me as a friend? I've been with that other guy as well so we're on even ground I guess (although I didn't tell him).

So far, our online chats have been short but almost 50-50 when it comes to initiative, but I noticed that lately I'm the one who messages him (and that's not very often either, like maybe once a week). It's like he's a different person in real life and online... When we meet it all goes smoothly and the conversation flows, he also asks questions, etc. but online he's barely saying anything - he's responsive nonetheless, so I can't say he's ignoring me, but it's like he doesn't have anything to say to me... ever. So weird. And ENFP #2 is the exact same when it comes to chats, but at least I'm not that interested in him anymore so I don't mind being the only one initiating, I'm not afraid to lose his interest or whatever. 

Is this common with ENFPs or should I be worried by the lack of effort? I gave lots of space to both of them, for the record. Are these people saving themselves for when we meet in person? 
Any insights are welcome, as usual. Thanks for reading!


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