# Non-sexual romantic relationships vs. Intense friendships.



## snail (Oct 13, 2008)

Take physical attraction out of the mix, because that doesn't apply for all of us. 

What is the thing that distinguishes them? 

Is there some intangible quality that causes a person to call one person a close friend and another person a girlfriend/boyfriend while feeling attracted and retaining a similar kind of intellectual and emotional connection with both?

Is it a matter of imposing arbitrary rules and boundaries on the relationships, so that in order to keep them in separate categories, a person decides one day, "I will only talk about my most personal feelings with the girlfriend/boyfriend even though the friendship has the potential to be just as intimate and emotionally satisfying if I were to allow it to be?" 

If so, wouldn't that be placing unnecessary restrictions on how close one can get to his/her friends, making all of his/her friendships unnaturally stunted?

Wouldn't the ideal situation involve feeling as emotionally connected as possible to as many people as possible? 

What would happen if the friendship exceeded the level of intimacy present in the romantic relationship? 

Would a person have to redefine the distinction between the two in order to avoid committing an act of disloyalty? 

How close can the person get with his/her friend while being in a romantic relationship before it counts as emotional cheating?


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## Zster (Mar 7, 2011)

For me, the very difference between romance and friendship IS sexual attraction (whether consummated or not). I have to have the emotional first to get to the sexual, though the attraction is typically there from the get go, and tend to be a one best friend sort of person. So, the need for another emotional bond if I am in a good romantic relationship is typically absent. The emotional and sexual/romantic bond are nearly always intertwined.

To answer where the line is for "emotional cheating"? Interesting question. I've never thought in such terms. Cheating for me = sexual cheating, not emotional. If there are topics or areas that a bf needs to discuss with someone other than me, I should not have trouble with that. If that someone ends up being an opposite sex friend, my nature is to suspect a sexual component (try searching the whole "can guys and girls EVER be just friends" threads). I wont put up with sexual competition IF we have agreed to exclusivity. Life is too short and I am worth more than such BS. I WILL move on, gladly.

Point being, where that line is depends on the people involved. If the confidante harbors romantic hope, is it cheating then? (or is it just mean to said confidante?). Is the gf comfortable enough with him having opposite gender "friends"? Some are. It would be a case by case thing - too many dynamics to generalize.


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## snail (Oct 13, 2008)

I wish I had an answer I could accept as absolutely true, because the uncertainty will end up becoming an obstacle if it doesn't get resolved soon.


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## strawberryLola (Sep 19, 2010)

For me personally, I feel that there are certain boundaries that are kept that define an intense friendship verses a romantic relationship, because in a relationship, I am truly confiding in that person as though they are one with me. It is a more intimate level of bonding I do not share in friendships. 

Friendships can be very deep and can be formed with several people. But a romantic relationship is sacred in a sense that it reflects an aspect of my own way of relating, similar to patterns of attachment with my own family that makes sense to me (sorta like finishing unfinished business unconsciously).

That is why emotional cheating is just as harmful as physically cheating on someone, because in romance, there is that re-encactment of re-creating experiences that help us to fall in love with life the way we fell in love with it as children with primary care-takers. There is a sense of mystery to it, whether or not those attachment figures were present or are still present in our lives.

In a deep friendship, the feeling of kin love is different. There is not that sense of falling in love with the unknown with that person. It is more like being able to relate one-on-one in a more predictable fashion that is both loving and warm, but not in a sense where there is a need to help re-create certain aspects that are missing.

A relationship can exist without friendship (if it is unhappy or will not last long, and has a lack of quality), but a romantic relationship has both the possibility of the friendship and that component of learning about the mystery, aw, and unknown.

I could be totally off, but that's what I'm getting and how I feel with deep friendships verses romantic partners. It is hard to separate physical attraction in romantic relationships, because when I fall in love with someone for who they are, I tend to find them very attractive. We do not even have to have sex. It's the notion of experiencing them as a person that makes it unique similar to creating fantasies into realities, unlike in platonic deep friendships.


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## Kr3m1in (Jan 16, 2011)

For me the difference is sexual attraction as well.
I've never had the desire to do anything romance-flavored with someone who is purely a friend, no matter how close.

I think my criteria for a friend and partner would be different as well. With a partner, there's got to be a sort of magnetism happening which generally manifests itself as the desire to be physically close. With a friend, I don't have that. With a friend, they are people that are 'on my side', and we're there for each other. With a partner, we're one unit.

I don't understand non-sexual romantic relationships and probably could never pull one of those off. If I don't want you, I won't be romantic with you, I just wouldn't even know how to.


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## Everyday Ghoul (Aug 4, 2009)

My relationships are anything but normal, but I'll give my answer, all the same. In my world, a non-sexual, romantic relationship is a romantic relationship that needs to be ended. Both of us are tired of being in the relationship, but we're holding on for some other sort of gain. At that point, I wouldn't say we were really anything like friends, as we're definitely just using each other for something. It's like my mom and dad, who aren't even remotely civil to each other, haven't been through my entire life, but stay married for some reason. Still, my ex-fiance cheated on me, and it hurt like hell. The physical act of her having sex with someone else bothered me, but nowhere near as much as the letters I found, where she was saying "I love you." to someone else. Maybe it's because, on a subjective level, I could understand a one time indiscretion due to lust. Maybe it builds over time, and yeah you think of the other person a lot, but they're only sexual thoughts, then you commit the act, and it's over. Seeing "I love you." meant, to me, that every time we were together, even just sitting around, watching a movie together, she was only thinking about him, wishing I was him. It's a different kind of longing, and there's affection and tenderness to that longing, something far beyond sexual desire. So, the physical act hurt me, and the emotional act crushed me. I went further off the deep end, at that point, than I had ever previously been. 

On the other hand, I was probably in that situation, with my last best friend. I was always her confidant, the one who gave her advice, the person she was emotionally closest to. She was the one person in my life, who I sincerely wanted approval from, and who I would do anything for, in order to gain and keep that approval. Given the problems we had with trusting each other enough to be vulnerable with each other, that's kind of sad, but neither of us trusted our lovers at all, even without just cause to distrust them. I pointed out to her, that the amount of time we spent together, and the things we shared only with each other, probably constituted emotional cheating in most people's books, and several of her lovers expressed an open dislike for me and our connection, and several of my girlfriends hated the fact we were so close, and didn't care for her at all. 

However, when I think about it now, I don't believe the only problem was the connection we shared with each other, but also the connection we didn't share with our partners. Our romantic relationships were kept on a very superficial level, and neither of us extended them even the same kind of broken trust, that we extended to each other. I still won't deny it was almost assuredly emotional cheating, though, as our relationship was kept to the title of friends, in order to keep it from falling apart. We both wanted more, we both wanted to be together, came closest to sharing the connection most people seem to believe lovers should share, and we both placed far more value on our "friendship", than our romantic relationships. We both just had such severe emotional issues, keeping it titled friends, kept it safe for both of us. 

In other words, we did things backwards from most people, as most people want their lovers to be the people they are closest to. Sure, we used each other as well, but it was to a lesser degree, than we used our lovers.


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## friction (Apr 29, 2011)

strawberryLola said:


> ...because in romance, there is that re-encactment of re-creating experiences that help us to fall in love with life the way we fell in love with it as children with primary care-takers. There is a sense of mystery to it, whether or not those attachment figures were present or are still present in our lives.


I don't get it. What do you mean?



Kr3m1in said:


> For me the difference is sexual attraction as well. [...]
> With a partner, there's got to be a sort of magnetism happening which generally manifests itself as the desire to be physically close.


So are you saying that you are not sexually attracted to friends at all?


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## Kr3m1in (Jan 16, 2011)

@highlandstorm that is precisely what I am saying, yes.


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## Vaan (Dec 19, 2010)

snail said:


> Take physical attraction out of the mix, because that doesn't apply for all of us.
> 
> What is the thing that distinguishes them?
> 
> ...


Well as for qualities that seperates friends from Girlfriends/Boyfriends varies with each person so it would be impossible to pinpoint just one

Also no REAL relationship would try to impose restrictions of communications unless it is a very private topic. Its about respecting one anothers boundaries rather than putting up boundaries where they are not needed

And yes the emotions are the big deciding factor, you can tell apart infatuation with friendship because of what is going on in your heart, if the emotions one feels are more intense then that of with others than its pretty much self explainatory.

If the romantic feelings for another came into play then nomatter what the relationship it needs to be discussed and resolved quickly so noone will get hurt, and moreover if they have stronger feelings for another then they would need to really think hard about that and why that is

Disloyalty is more than just a sexual thing in a relationship, it can be defined by the lack of attention to you and the increasing of attention for someone else (Romantically), giving away information that is private, disrespecting you intentionally etc. All relationships are succeptible to disloyalty in some form and for a relationship to be merely defined by sex is stupid - "oh you stood me up? oh its ok because you didn't have sex with them". It is harder without that aspect but it is definately not impossible 

Well basically anything that constitutes as disloyalty such as flirting, holding them of higher value than their SO, Intentionally spending more time with them (In a romantic way) and so on


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## tuna (Jun 10, 2010)

*What is the thing that distinguishes them?*

For me, the thing that separates friend-love from harmony-harmony-oh-love is the feeling that I want to be with the person forever, that I could be friends with them until we're both old and wrinkly and we'd still be having an amazing time every day. I've only ever felt that way towards one or two people.

I don't experience sexual attraction, so that's not a factor.


*How close can the person get with his/her friend while being in a romantic relationship before it counts as emotional cheating?*

I don't know, to be honest. I think that in a romantic relationship, you silently (and arbitrarily, yes) agree to an emotional bond that is much stronger than that between friends. When the connection you have to your friend feels deeper and truer than the one you have with your romantic partner, I think that's the line.


*If so, wouldn't that be placing unnecessary restrictions on how close one can get to his/her friends, making all of his/her friendships unnaturally stunted?*

Yes, I think it would.


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## Wellsy (Oct 24, 2011)

Perhaps physical intimacy, I don't tend to touch friends, doesn't need to be sexual but things like cuddling and resting upon one another are non-sexual but to me can be of a romantic nature in most contexts.


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## devoid (Jan 3, 2011)

It's a fine line, but there is a difference to me. Romance has more to do with intimacy and making a deeper connection, while friendship is more about companionship and loyalty. I don't have to know my friends' innermost thoughts and feelings, and there are many things that they might not share with me which they would share with a partner. Even friends I've had for my entire lifetime are like this. I think someone I love will be someone I connect to on a spiritual level, who I feel an attraction to in many ways - intellectual, emotional, etc. If I ever started feeling that way about a female friend, I would start to consider myself biromantic and potentially bisexual, even if there was no sexual connection. I think that would be a big leap from just friendship.


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

I don't really see the big difference, maybe the partner title gives that we free exclusivity and jealousy pass that being a friend does not. I'm not saying someone would simply make the distinction for that but that is the only difference I derive from it myself.


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## BlackDog (Jan 6, 2012)

@Wellsy loves digging up the threads of yesteryear. 

Even sexual attraction aside, there is something different. For me anyway. I honestly can't describe it, but don't take that to mean it doesn't exist. I just can't find the words. It's a different pull, a different attraction. A different longing for them. Not even a physical longing, it's something else.


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## Blessed Frozen Cells (Apr 3, 2013)

There's a difference because I feel sick in romantic relationships (sexual or not) and I feel extremely happy with intense relationships. I don't count sex as physical intimacy since I'm asexual. I'm much more cuddly and mushy in friendships. 

Now imagine a person who isn't romance repulsed. It would be reversed for them.

The difference is the feelings involved. If you feel romantic attraction towards someone, there's a big difference.


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## OrangeAppled (Jun 26, 2009)

If it's a male friend, then an intense friendship and romantic dynamic are mostly distinguished by whether or not there is sexual attraction. Of course, not displaying romantic behaviors can downplay it, but usually the sexual tensiom is still there, so that it cannot be called truly platonic. Romantic and sexual behaviors would serve to reinforce this, among other things. Occasionally, I may have a more sibling dynamic with a male friend, but these usually are not intense relationships. 

Since Im straight, I don't have romantic dynamics with women, or they are like the intense relationships with men where there is no sexual attraction. But really, with men, some sexual energy tends to be there, so that female friendships always have a more familial tone in comparison.


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## Thalassa (Jun 10, 2010)

I think I can answer this, which is why in another thread I found the third scenario with a romantic non-sexual partner feasible short term or if for some reason I chose to be celibate. 

In high school I had two girl best friends, and I am still friends with both women. The ENFJ and I have the steady friendship, I have always felt she was like a family member, a sister..a confidante, we had fun together and enjoyed each others company. But I don't remember there being any blurred boundaries in our friendship, ever. We didn't shower together, and there was the normal point if reserve that comes with even the closest of friends. 

The other, who is some kind of FP, we had a really intense friendship that more closely resembled infatuation, like a feeling of giddiness or partners in crime, we had a very intimate friendship and even became distressed about being separated when her mom made her move away. Later after high school I actually lived with she and her mom for about three or four months, and the way we behaved actually drew suspicion from one of my family members that we had a lesbian relationship. We didn't. However, we did take baths together, just in every other way acted almost like twins. Or a couple. A couple years later we did try being physically intimate once, but it wasn't that great, the attraction wasn't physical though I thought she was pretty, there are actually other women who I had a stronger physical attraction to than her. But for a while, when we were in our late teens, we acted as though we were in puppy love, I guess, and the emotional intimacy I felt with her became some kind of. ..template. ..for what I look for emotionally in my adult relationships with men. It was an old fashioned romantic friendship. We no longer have the same connection, but because of her I can see the difference between a close friend and a deeper intimacy. It's like you click or you don't. It's the same if you're purely sexual, I mean I wouldn't fall in love with every man I find sexually attractive.


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## Thalassa (Jun 10, 2010)

Just as a non-personal additional input, the novel Brideshead Revisited depicts a romantic friendship between two young men, one of whom is homosexual, and one who is either biromantic or even slightly bisexual, but who prefers women and falls in love with his friends sister. It's a really great depiction of a romantic friendship that is definitely more than an intense friendship but is not sexual. 

Romantic friendship was once considered normal, for women at least, and a phase that boys or young men went through. Some people suggest that it's how teenagers or young adults learn to have adult relationships. Other people suggest sexual orientation is a made up cultural construct, but that's wandering too far into bisexuality versus a romantic friendship.


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## g_w (Apr 16, 2013)

@Thalassa -- to my knowledge I don't recall ever having interacted with you; but I see you are a Legend. :happy:
Hence, apologies for any seeming hijack. 

But I *lurve* your avatar: the kitty-skull-and-crossbones is especially choice!


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## HeartCartography (Mar 23, 2015)

Intriguing question... Removing physical attraction from the equation makes my answer simpler. Even when in a serious relationship, I enjoy intense friendships with all genders. However, if I ever get the sense "my SO would not be comfortable" with how I am touching/what I am writing someone...were He there in the same room...I will immediately stop. To continue feels that it would constitute cheating.


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