# Gaining more self esteem.



## Gossip Goat (Nov 19, 2013)

I find that a lot of times I limit what I do because I feel alone. Most of the times I can't do something if someone isn't there with me. This stems from insecurity/problems with self esteem.

Advice on achieving more self esteem / what have you done to help your self esteem?


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## JayDubs (Sep 1, 2009)

Gossip Goat said:


> Advice on achieving more self esteem / what have you done to help your self esteem?


I ditched the positive thinking philosophy and focused on self-improvement. No amount of happy thoughts is a substitute for being a better person. 

1. Get good at something. Your job, a hobby, whatever. Competence, even in unrelated fields, helps with confidence. 
2. Get in shape. Feeling healthy and looking good goes a long way. 
3. Learn martial arts. Knowing you can handle yourself always helps. 
4. Take public speaking courses, improv classes, or similar, and practice talking to strangers. Public speaking is something most people feel nervous about, and most people have to do sooner or later.


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## snowbell (Apr 2, 2012)

JayDubs said:


> I ditched the positive thinking philosophy and focused on self-improvement. No amount of happy thoughts is a substitute for being a better person.
> 
> 1. Get good at something. Your job, a hobby, whatever. Competence, even in unrelated fields, helps with confidence.
> 2. Get in shape. Feeling healthy and looking good goes a long way.
> ...


Wanted to add to this - getting good at something is one of the few things I've found does help with self esteem. It can get to the point where you feel comfortable about the thing, and if someone asks you can help them, or explain it. And it also gives you something to compare against, and not negatively, for example "I may not be good at cooking, or as good as [Person X] but I know my history really well" - that'd give the confidence that you are indeed good at something. 

To this end I've found finding new interests and taking some up as hobbies can help, as they are ways to expand while still feeling comfortable. For example, if you go to take dance classes, you could be starting with other people who've never danced either and there's less of a chance to be as concerned about it because you'll be in the same position as the other people. 

Hope that helps some.


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## Hypaspist (Feb 11, 2012)

I used this when researching self esteem. Perhaps you may find it of some use. It does have some helpful tips that I personally tried and did see improvement over a short period.


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

You need self acceptance not self esteem


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## Carpentet810 (Nov 17, 2013)

Join the USMC.. Self Esteem Builders!


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

Carpentet810 said:


> Join the USMC.. Self Esteem Builders!


I thought they degraded you into a working unit within a collective. Maybe I was wrong.


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## Carpentet810 (Nov 17, 2013)

Grandmaster Yoda said:


> I thought they degraded you into a working unit within a collective. Maybe I was wrong.


If by degraded, you mean they motivate you to have the nerve to shit on the hood of your CO's car then yes very degraded.


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

Carpentet810 said:


> If by degraded, you mean they motivate you to have the nerve to shit on the hood of your CO's car then yes very degraded.


I highly recommend you join us on the abortion thread. We're having a blast.


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## DAPHNE XO (Jan 16, 2012)

Gossip Goat said:


> I find that a lot of times I limit what I do because I feel alone. Most of the times I can't do something if someone isn't there with me. This stems from insecurity/problems with self esteem.
> 
> Advice on achieving more self esteem / what have you done to help your self esteem?


 @_JayDubs_ is spot on.

But to elaborate, most of people's anxiety comes from being unsure about the "right" answer to something - whether it's about how they feel, what they think, what other people think, what other people feel and most especially if there is a discrepancy between what you think/feel and other people think/feel.

The way to cure this normally is to just simply ask more questions, and know more about the thing at hand aka become competent at something. If you want to know more about yourself and how you feel, take time out to talk to someone impartial who can play the therapist role, until you learn to trust yourself enough to know that if you don't know something, you know exactly what to do to find out (so as to assauge your own anxiety).

Self-awareness is such a valuable thing to have, life is so much easier when you know why you think what you think, and how you feel when you do. And then that'll help with knowing what other people think/feel.

Oh and having people around you to act as a support system always help - if you are feeling down, hanging out with people in real life who can cheer you up, will do wonders to help keep your self-esteem in check.


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## hal0hal0 (Sep 1, 2012)

DAPHNE LXIV said:


> But to elaborate, most of people's anxiety comes from being unsure about the "right" answer to something - whether it's about how they feel, what they think, what other people think, what other people feel and most especially if there is a discrepancy between what you think/feel and other people think/feel.


Very true. I've read that perfectionism is actually not a good thing, because it makes us afraid to make mistakes, and mistakes are how we progress. I think a good percentage of our generation are afraid of failure (in part because I think Generation Y/Z grew up with the "you're special" and "think positive! You can do it!" mentalities. It leads us to being a tad... spoiled often times (obviously, sweeping generalization) as if things will simply fall into our laps. If I'm being blunt... I think our generation can feel a sense of entitlement, without necessarily putting in the work.

Going back to OP's question: Self-esteem, for me at least, was tied to expectations. Expectations are tied to perfectionism, I think. This isn't to say "flawless" or getting straight A's or whatever. Perfectionism, to me, means having some ideal perception of how I should be. Let's say you want to be a chef. So you envision yourself as a chef, but what if you become so stubborn that say, accepting a job as a bus-boy is "beneath" you? What if that job as a bus-boy was just the opportunity you needed to become a chef. Shoulds are problematic, however, because they don't happen overnight.

Take all the talented artists that make it seem effortless... does it come naturally? I'm sure there's some raw talent there, but it's all the practice they worked their ass off behind the scenes, on the mountain alone, in the privacy of the studio or study room where they worked.

I'm a *big *believer in putting in your 10,000 hours. Writing is one of my passions for instance. To be perfectly honest, I'm probably in the wrong career path. My parents did pressure me away from what I wanted to do. If I followed my heart, I would've studied English literature or film studies. My BS is in Chemistry, however (the benefits are I have developed the rhetoric of a humanities oriented person, but with the precision of a scientist). BUT, I've poured countless hours into writing my ass off. I've spent more time writing than I have studying for my undergraduate or graduate level courses. Most of my writing is GARBAGE. Pure, totally adulterated garbage. But I've hit the point where writing is like breathing to me; I don't really think about it (except when editing, of course). 

Even though I'm in the sciences/healthcare as a career, my passion is for the humanities/writing.

^That has done WONDERS for my self-esteem, mind you, but I've worked hard and come to terms with it. You have to make concessions, I think. Real life is not always a straight path. Sometimes, you are presented with a brick wall and maybe you have to go across the street and down a few alleys. It might be a hell of a detour, but damn, the stories you'll find.

But, I've hit the point where I simply do not care about looking foolish or living up to anyone's expectations or conforming to what I "should" be doing. I used to worry, @_Gossip Goat_ about having no guidance. When you say you feel alone, I think "ouch, I remember that!"

I've missed more opportunities than I can realistically count. I spent a decade of my life as a nearly full blown recluse, dwelling on missed opportunities, those fish that got away. As a result? I missed even more because I was so caught up with what I did wrong, what I failed to do.

But here's my one bit of advice (which is really more of an observation):

_*Don't get too hung up or beat yourself up over missing an opportunity. Because there isn't just one opportunity. There is a whole stream of them constantly flowing around you. You just need to look around and see what is promising and cast a line out. Most will miss, but some will strike gold.

*_Here's a quote by Marcel Duchamp, one of my heroes ( @_mimesis_ is another pretty inspirational guy, too):


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## Gossip Goat (Nov 19, 2013)

Grandmaster Yoda said:


> You need self acceptance not self esteem


How would one do that?


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

Gossip Goat said:


> How would one do that?


Firstly, you must recognize that you have flaws. Realize that you are a human, human beings make mistakes. People with "low self-esteem" often exaggerate the severity of flaws to points of avoidance. This is not good. But neither is self-esteem the deliberate refusal to recognize flaws. The submission of openness to selfishness. You must forgive yourself for your flaws and your mistakes but without refusing to hear of their existence.


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## Gossip Goat (Nov 19, 2013)

Grandmaster Yoda said:


> Firstly, you must recognize that you have flaws. Realize that you are a human, human beings make mistakes. People with "low self-esteem" often exaggerate the severity of flaws to points of avoidance. This is not good. But neither is self-esteem the deliberate refusal to recognize flaws. The submission of openness to selfishness. You must forgive yourself for your flaws and your mistakes but without refusing to hear of their existence.


I understand what you say, and what everyone else has said; it's very good advice, but do you have advice on how to actually internalize this? Although I'm like "yeah that makes sense" at the same time I don't know how to forgive myself, or how to really acknowledge that humans make mistakes.


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## yet another intj (Feb 10, 2013)

Carpentet810 said:


> Join the USMC.. Self Esteem Builders!


Indeed... They build esteem in exchange for self.


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## Carpentet810 (Nov 17, 2013)

yet another intj said:


> Indeed... They build esteem in exchange for self.


Nothing is free.


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