# I keep wishing I had Sx-instinct



## Lord Bullingdon (Aug 9, 2014)

fasc said:


> But what's the alternative - being alone and feeling/arousing little of anything in someone? The same routines and surface-level interactions? Emotionally cold/pragmatic romances?


I think the reason sx-lasts may fail to connect at a deeper level is because they don't value it. Doesn't mean you're alone. Just that you don't value really merging with someone. It sounds like you already value that.

Also, there are no emotionally cold romances. Otherwise they're not romances, they're pragmatic calculations with future plans in mind. And there's nothing wrong with that, given how frequently people marry for love in our society, then get divorced, families split apart, and lives ruined.

I said this before, but I think your longing still comes more from being a 9 than from being inherently sx-last. I could be wrong, but I'd encourage you to explore all the issues.


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## knife (Jul 10, 2013)

Thaumaturgic Theorist said:


> Maybe, but there's a lot of emotional range between overpowering, blast-furnace-hot, sx-driven chemistry and "emotionally cold/pragmatic romances".
> 
> From what I understand, you can have emotionally intimate relationships as an sx-last....you just aren't drawn to them the way sx-leads are, and it will take a lot longer for you to get to that point with someone..


Listen to her. She knows of what she speaks. Her best friend is Sx, after all.


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## perpetuallyreticent (Sep 24, 2014)

Honestly, sometimes the intensity of sx driving my infatuation gets really scary sometimes. Like, it's very different from 'obsessive' love, which I'm using as a term that has nothing to do with the variants. But just a general comparison. Since I'm sx first, when I find someone that fits my criteria and standards, and I invest time into them and they into me.. once I see that it's going somewhere, it's really hard to keep a reign on it. 

here's a post by a fellow primary sx which sums a lot of it up for me pretty nicely:



Animal said:


> I have a "black and white" issue. *I love people with their flaws and scars. **Perfection bores me.. I am interested in people's darkness, insecurities, humanity.* So it's not that I can't accept someone's flaws. I certainly can. I don't choose to spend my free time with that many people (virtually or physically) - although I will be respectful to most people by default. Those who I do choose to talk to, I can accept a lot of things. This is keeping in mind that I have strong instincts, so I rarely end up in situations where I'm talking to someone who ends up dishonest, violent etc. That might have happened to me more when I was younger, but my intuition refined itself over time, so I tend to be drawn to the type of people who - even their WORST flaws are still beautiful, humane, human, lovable.
> 
> But once someone switches into the "negative" category - it's hard for me to see the grey area. *The thing is - when I like someone, I don't see them as a collection of flaws and assets, positives and negatives. I see them as a whole. So it's still black and white. They are a GOOD whole.* *Even their flaws are part of their good whole, the whole person which appeals to me.* Sure, we can have arguments, even fights. I can get annoyed , hurt, angry. Whatever. None of this necessarily means someone is in the BAD category. My emotions come out in the moment - either to their face or I work off steam and confront eventually. Sometimes I talk it out with a third neutral party in a non-gossipy way, someone who doesn't know that person but is willing to listen while I sort out my feelings. Or sometimes I just sort it out alone. Either way, things are smoothed over, talked out, argued about, and forgiven - without that person ever going into the BAD category, despite that we might have conflicts and disagreements, even major ones sometimes.


The bolded parts especially resonate with me. Like she said, I really don't understand when people look for 'perfection' in another person. A part of my intensity with people, ESPECIALLY romantic partners/interests, is that when I like you- I like all of you. Even if this person is not mentally healthy (to an extent, obviously. has their own problems, etc), I just don't care. If I like you, I'm here and I'm loyal and unless you make it clear that nothing will happen, I'll probably stick around in my own way.


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## fasc (Jun 23, 2014)

^Do you ever feel it for multiple people? And how do you experience close friendships?


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## Animal (May 29, 2012)

perpetuallyreticent said:


> Honest*ly, sometimes the intensity of sx driving my infatuation gets really scary sometimes*. Like, it's very different from 'obsessive' love, which I'm using as a term that has nothing to do with the variants. But just a general comparison. Since I'm sx first, *when I find someone that fits my criteria and standards, and I invest time into them and they into me.. once I see that it's going somewhere, it's really hard to keep a reign on it*.


Precisely. Its too intense - even for ME.


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## fasc (Jun 23, 2014)

But isn't that intensity life-affirming? Like a visceral feeling that reminds you that you still have a pulse?


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## perpetuallyreticent (Sep 24, 2014)

fasc said:


> But isn't that intensity life-affirming? Like a visceral feeling that reminds you that you still have a pulse?


It's one of many things that aren't sx related that 'affirm' that we're living.  Are you so or sp first?


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## fasc (Jun 23, 2014)

perpetuallyreticent said:


> It's one of many things that aren't sx related that 'affirm' that we're living.  Are you so or sp first?


Sp.


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## perpetuallyreticent (Sep 24, 2014)

fasc said:


> ^Do you ever feel it for multiple people? And how do you experience close friendships?


Oops, didn't see this. And no, I don't. I don't really fall as easily for people in the sense that I do actually have pretty high standards for a significant other to meet. I'm extremely loyal, probably to a fault even. I couldn't imagine liking more than one person at a time. It'd feel fake and not at all genuine for me.

And my close friendships are probably a lot less intense. I'm not sure if my sx really only is applied to romantic relationships or just that it's hard to tell what role it plays with my friendships. I'm an extremely loyal friend and only really have a few that I consider actual friends, and even fewer that I consider best friends.

edit: so, sp/so? There's nothing wrong with that line up, dude. Although I do understand. The grass is always greener on the other side.


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## Entropic (Jun 15, 2012)

No you don't, lol. Such a useless instinct.


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## fasc (Jun 23, 2014)

perpetuallyreticent said:


> Oops, didn't see this. And no, I don't. I don't really fall as easily for people in the sense that I do actually have pretty high standards for a significant other to meet. I'm extremely loyal, probably to a fault even. I couldn't imagine liking more than one person at a time. It'd feel fake and not at all genuine for me.
> 
> And my close friendships are probably a lot less intense. I'm not sure if my sx really only is applied to romantic relationships or just that it's hard to tell what role it plays with my friendships. I'm an extremely loyal friend and only really have a few that I consider actual friends, and even fewer that I consider best friends.
> 
> edit: so, sp/so? There's nothing wrong with that line up, dude. Although I do understand. The grass is always greener on the other side.


I just feel like I'd be more balanced if I were Sp/Sx. Like they wouldn't let themselves reach the point where they're just going on autopilot, feel bleh, and don't know what they're doing with themselves anymore. And if I'm being honest I kind of envy how desirable that stacking combination can be, and the ability to be like...on a train somewhere at night or at the corner of a house party and have this intense connection with someone you've never met..which develops into this whole thing. I guess it seems romantic to me or something.


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## perpetuallyreticent (Sep 24, 2014)

@fasc The sp/sx stack really depends on what your MBTI and Enneagram type is, too. The guy I like from what I can only assume is an INTP/ILI/Type 5 sp/sx ...which honestly makes for a very closed off person. Any combination of the variants, though, make us who we are and what you need to do is look into what being sp-first really means for you and what you can do to make it a better experience for you.

Objectively, out of the three variants, none are inherently better than the others. They all have their upsides, and you are completely capable of having deep and intense relationships with people regardless of your stack. From what I've understood, being sx-first doesn't make the actual relationships themselves intense, it just makes the sx-first's reaction to everything amplified. And like I said in a previous post- this isn't always a good thing. It's really overwhelming sometimes.

And if you feel like you can't connect with anybody on a deep level, this doesn't have anything to do with you not being sx-first, but more to do with you as a person. Possibly your inexperience with love, or your age or a bad past relationship? There's many possible factors, but being sx-first wouldn't be some kind of cure.


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## fasc (Jun 23, 2014)

Is it common for people with Sx (maybe Sx-second) to find an Sx-last person interesting/attractive? Because I feel more attraction towards people who have some Sx in them. With female Sx-lasts I get the impression that we'd just drift apart, or there wouldn't be enough to keep us together.


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## pandamonium (Oct 21, 2013)

fasc said:


> I just feel like I'd be more balanced if I were Sp/Sx. Like they wouldn't let themselves reach the point where they're just going on autopilot, feel bleh, and don't know what they're doing with themselves anymore. And if I'm being honest I kind of envy how desirable that stacking combination can be, and the ability to be like...on a train somewhere at night or at the corner of a house party and have this intense connection with someone you've never met..which develops into this whole thing. I guess it seems romantic to me or something.


This doesn't sound related to sx, I think all types reach that point.

This is miscast envy at its best.  And if you're experiencing that desire for intense connection it means you're experiencing sx, lol.


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## Golden Rose (Jun 5, 2014)

fasc said:


> I just feel like I'd be more balanced if I were Sp/Sx. Like they wouldn't let themselves reach the point where they're just going on autopilot, feel bleh, and don't know what they're doing with themselves anymore. And if I'm being honest I kind of envy how desirable that stacking combination can be, and the ability to be like...on a train somewhere at night or at the corner of a house party and have this intense connection with someone you've never met..which develops into this whole thing. I guess it seems romantic to me or something.


Sp/sx isn't that much better, trust me.

Because you start slowly, get all of the intensity and passion of that sx yet you want to control it as it's extremely exhausting and you simply want to have an edge over your instincts, you want the intensity but you're too concerned with preserving your own energy and safety to the point it becomes an endless seeking of deep connections and emotions in any kind of way, to obtain what you're lacking, followed by self punishing or practical self controlling ways. The obsession leftovers still stay, especially with my line of disintegration, but you're too passive and busy reminding yourself you don't need nor want any of that and your own well-being comes first. It all makes you frustrated and very angry at yourself, surgical.

All while not giving a crap or having a clue about so dynamics.
But you're also a 9 so I can see why you perceive sx as complete merging.


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## Golden Rose (Jun 5, 2014)

My internet connection and my mood go hand in hand it seems. Double posting.


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## Sixty Nein (Feb 13, 2011)

If you are so envious of the qualities that people of the SX instinct possesses, then what is to say that you aren't a sexual type yourself? To fit into an instinctual type is simply to mean that you have an innate predisposition towards intensity and romance for it's own sake. To create things with one's hands for the sake it, not for any purpose and whatnot.

I'd say that SX types might also be the most bored, or boring types. They just require more energy to burn, and they burn it all out on one thing. Though this isn't a trait they all have. Eh.


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## TeNition (Jan 6, 2015)

fasc said:


> How do I get over it. I envy the way they get to experience things. Even the intensely negative stuff. At least it's something.


I have a strong sp and sx and I also take antidepressants which basically help chill me out and reduce my sex drive. There is a book I read awhile ago called Your Brain On Sex. It wasn't the best book ever, but basically it described the neurochemical happenings during different phases of sexual attraction, which I would say basically sum up the sx instinct. 

All it takes is an analogy for you to relate to in your own life. Let's say you were an avid athlete at some point... That increased sensual experience you have the moment you get an opportunity to score, that would be very similar to what someone with an sx instinct would feel near a person of high sexual attraction. The main components of the change would be the same in either case, namely more noepinephrine and dopamine, in both cases testosterone is probably at play, however in the case of the sx instinct you also have things like vasopresin and oxytocin.

Edit: My point is that I expect what you think you are missing out on isn't actually that different than what you are probably already experiencing in other situations. Some may say that it's just a case of the grass is always being greener and that we are simply mystified by what we do not know.


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## J Squirrel (Jun 2, 2012)

Splash Shin said:


> Can't do anything I'm not interested in.





fasc said:


> But aren't those brief moments of intense chemistry better than brief moments of "oh, I guess I'm going on a date with this person".


It might be different for other people, but as a withdrawn introvert who is also Sx, I'm going to just leave those two there and let the obvious speak for itself.


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## Stellafera (Jan 19, 2015)

As a So/Sp myself, I definitely get the Sx envy. I've wished that I had a stronger mind about things, that I formed closer connections to people, that I wouldn't occupy that weird space of wanting to have friends but not wanting to have to maintain a social connection. I'm great at schmoozing but terrible at following through. Sx-types seem to come across as more sure of themselves. Maintaining interest in interesting people is natural for them. They know what they want.

However, a lot of Sx-types also come across as... meaner? :tongue: Especially So last. They are much less willing to moderate their opinions and reach compromise with others -- this is the stuff that the So/Sps and Sp/Sos are _ made_ for. Tact, I think, comes easier to Sx-last types, and we tend to see the bigger picture more when Sx-types laser focus on one person or thing. Think of it less as an absence of Sx and more as having more Sp and So than all of those Sx types. 

*It's natural to be a little envious of the opposite instinct, though.* Seeing someone succeed at anything you struggle with is going to make you a little envious.


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