# ENFP female + ENTJ male relationship, advice or experience ?!



## juliana333

This is my first post!
After staying up all night— high off of _excitement, _*and I WISH I was joking*— I decided to make an account. 

To give you some background (this is long so if you just want to read the question, scroll to the bottom and I'll put colored asterisks), I am an ENFP female. I was in a relationship with an ENTJ male and spent every day of the summer with him, more or less. He actually fell for me before I did him, which shocked him. Summer love, as corny as it sounds, but even his somewhat-stoic ass describes our experience is that. 

We were madly in love, truly, and never fought. Not one fucking time. We never made it official, which perplexed me, yet oddly made me at ease, as I was going off to college in a different town than he planned to live at the end of the summer. He told me he would make it official after I left, bear in mind the town is a two hour drive (doable), when he was sure he could handle being physically apart from me. He was fearful that being away from me after seeing me so often would be too overwhelming, though he kept calm about it until after I left. 

He thought he had complete control, but little did he know my mind was also racing, concerned with whether or not I would be too bored without some new stimulation. We both were so in love, though, that we refused to deal with these conflicts until after I left, he didn't even know about my speculation, shit, it wasn't pressing or anything, just me trying to be honest on this forum so others can relate/ really get the full perspective.

Anyways, after a week of me being gone, he called me randomly, and said he couldn't do this anymore. I bawled, cried, persuaded, argued back with him, tried to rationalize why he couldn't end it, tell him how confused I was. I was so SHOCKED, shocked, that I stopped mid-argument, saying "I don't know why i'm trying to convince someone to be with me." I hung up the phone. I had never done that to him ever, we had never fought. He wanted to be friends, but then sucked at it, and then he completely deleted me from his life. it was the biggest mind fuck of my entire life.

I became so fucked up in the head, but no one knew. I wasn't even putting on a show, or trying to seem happy, its just my nature to use my outer energy to boost others. I hate revealing when I'm really weak and down, that I naturally portray the opposite. However, in this time, my "recharge" time that I need away from people, as an ENFP, became more and more increased. 
When I visited back home, my "ex", ENTJ, texted me and asked if we could talk. Regardless of the hurt pain, etc, hell that he put me in, his "I really really need to to talk to you" gave me such a rush of.. urgency.. almost, to help what I could tell was something hard for him to express.

We met up, and as soon as I got there, it brought a smile, shameful, but a smile to his face. His surprisingly more-broken-than-mine energy was very easy to pick up on, and was oddly relieving. It was like, thank fucking god, he wasn't lying to me over the summer, he isn't all peachy and okay (not like I would ever want him hurting, what I'm saying is, picking up almost instantly on his sadness gave me instant affirmation that he was genuine with me)

He explained to me why he left me and how he logically planned it out and how it statistically wouldn't work and legitimately detailed his bulletproof rationale for why he had to leave me.
He then told me his FEELINGS without me. His grades slipped, he became depressed, he became unmotivated, lost friends, lost excitement for life, would think about me 24/7, couldn't sleep, couldn't focus.. couldn't do anything. 

He said he knew how bad he hurt me, he knew why I probably wouldn't forgive him, but he would do ANYTHING to have me back, at whatever level of a relationship I would have him.

The only reason I agreed is because he told me the reason he wanted to jump back in is because of a part in his monologue, if you will, where he explained that he was affected by other people's various suggestions based upon logic, and the stats, and all non-emotion related support points to leave me. 
He logically did the right thing, he will be moving to a different state next year, so many other reasons, and though initially pleased and able to walk away, he realized how much he was head over heels for me because he began to lose himself because of the emotional repercussions of his decision on, not me, but himself. it screwed him up more than it did me, and it screwed me up quite a bit.
He told me, as he did everyone, which i later found out, that leaving me was the biggest mistake of his life and that he would never let me go again. He played this good ass, yet slow song, and we like slow danced IN THE MOONLIGHT OVERLOOKING THE CITY ON A GRASS HILL. Come the fuck on. Was he trying to persuade me with sentiment, or like, am I just paranoid because he shocked me once, or, is that just some storybook cuteness. hoping on the last permutation :tongue:

****So here is where my question comes, so sorry again for the long post, it's just this has been sitting in my brain all mushed out, and I had no idea i had this much to type about it, or it was this long (this is so much of an abridged version too its a joke).

We are now OFFICIAL ! <3
We've been doing long distance for a few months, with visits every couple weeks for a couple days, and I had a few weeks over christmas with him. 
In this time, we've been fighting. The fights get resolved, but he argues more now than ever before that it;s almost humorous. Things that don;t even pertain to him, like me being pissed at my controlling mother, he has to win and take an opposing side. He is slightly more lazy now, and very bad at communicating over the phone when I;m up at school. 

I am willing to compromise, in awareness of his ENTJ tendencies, because I know he loves me more than anything. I just wonder, why did he not act like this before. Why is he all the sudden way more argumentative, forceful, distant from feelings, than he was before. I think I might be more expressive of my MBIT type tendencies too, so maybe the tension is from the intense end and revival. Ahh.

Will he go back to "normal", because he's acting like the "stereotyped" (in no way trying to offend) weaknesses" of the ENTJ are his only traits now. We love each other, but am I wasting my time, is it possible he'd just walk away again? I believe him when he says he wont let me go again, because he has always told the truth, but should I walk because he has changed, or do i wait it out and try to rationally discuss our conflicting traits and how they seem heightened?

SUCH A LONG POST. Don't hate me


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## ladybugnat

communicate what you need from him, and ask him to do the same.

Girl, I love your story. It is a book I would want to read


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## juliana333

ladybugnat;bt32251 said:


> communicate what you need from him, and ask him to do the same.
> 
> Girl, I love your story. It is a book I would want to read


I feel like thats best too. NOTE THE verb "feel" haha I'm ridiculous. I have had a rollercoaster-esque life, and when documented, you shall be notified


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## ladybugnat

hehehe. Awesome! Hope everything works out for the best.


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## white-knuckle

I was in a 5 year INFP/INTJ relationship. I probably would not date an INTJ again. I wish I wouldve have been his friends because I enjoyed his friendship and enjoyed our mutual friends. It opened a whole new world to me of intuitive/thinkers and I was honored to have conversations with them and go head to head. 

I'm not too sure about the ENFP/ENTJ but I bet it isn't too different than what I went through but perhaps a bit more external and direct. I would recommend having a bit of personal space. I would also recommend being blunt and playing hard to get. Just from my experience ntjs seem to love a challenge. I'm not saying be bitchy by all means. I'm just saying be preoccupied enough that he keeps wanting to come back for more. That works with any guy. But games are for relationships that lack communication, anyways and are not healthy. Right now, I can be my gnarly self and it flies. Not that I don't try to keep things interesting and fresh, but he is that comfortable with me and treasures me. That's pretty important for any lasting relationship. I don't know how people can build relationships on anything less than a romantic beginning. It's nice to look back on and know thats the where the roots began. Oh, now I'm dating an INFJ. It's different but much more natural. I do miss how I got a break from emotions with the INTJ and how he didn't need to know anything going on with me. It was kind of freeing but at the same time lonely. Sometimes I feel a tiny bit smothered by my INFJ but I'd rather have that then the cold shoulder. The infj proposed a little over a year after dating and the INTJ could never even think of me like that after 5 1/2 years. I told myself I would never again be a live in gf and give the milk for free. lol It's so hard to put everything into a relationship when the person can't even see you with them down the road.


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## FancyProseStyle

You really need to talk to Enfpleasantly. I'd tag her if I wasn't on my phone.


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## JaySH

Just read this. Curious how you two are doing... Many things can cause someone to be argumentative, most likely, there is something he'd like to confront you about but is holding back and the dissension it is causing internally has leaked out through superficial issues, related on some level, to what's troubling him.

Even as an ENFP I've done this. I, too, use my energy to boost others even when down. It boosts me in turn. But, for those close to me, I have lashed out over silly things as It was easier to deal with than the seemingly complex issues I held deep within. 

Im sure this has been resolved by now but, wanted to share my insight. My life has been a roller coaster too and I swear I'm going to write a book about it. This was beautifully written, btw. 

Hope everything worked out for the best, whatever that may have been.


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## juliana333

JaySH;bt34149 said:


> Just read this. Curious how you two are doing... Many things can cause someone to be argumentative, most likely, there is something he'd like to confront you about but is holding back and the dissension it is causing internally has leaked out through superficial issues, related on some level, to what's troubling him.
> 
> Even as an ENFP I've done this. I, too, use my energy to boost others even when down. It boosts me in turn. But, for those close to me, I have lashed out over silly things as It was easier to deal with than the seemingly complex issues I held deep within.
> 
> Im sure this has been resolved by now but, wanted to share my insight. My life has been a roller coaster too and I swear I'm going to write a book about it. This was beautifully written, btw.
> 
> Hope everything worked out for the best, whatever that may have been.


Such solid input I can't even believe you just hit that so spot on. He had cheated on me and been with someone. This was the day I moved away actually, the night of. He screened my call which apparently was while they were together in bed. 

I found this out by a friend of his who he had given is facebook password to do something I was too fuming to even care to ask what. I was sent threads of messages all forcing me to Nancy Drew and put together bit and pieces and ask certain people for times and places. Finally I got the whole truth. I confronted him about it. He lied through his teeth for an hour, slowly admitting to bits and pieces of it. finally he told me that i was totally right.

he tells me that he (essentially verbatim)-
"Rationalized that we could not be together but his emotions were causing him to lose grip on what could happen. So he just needed to do that to move on. He would deal with ending it after a while. I was never supposed to know. It was not technically cheating. "

I leave to think, no communication for a few days. Then sir strategic probably googled how to make her forgive you for your bad past who knows, and we talked and he "convinced me" that it was before we were together and hed had the break through when we were apart whatever and "look where we are now". Got me a necklace as well.

I didnt want to deal with ending the relationship over something I found out he did half a year earlier before the day i found out,, when we had only been dating for a bit. Thought process at the time, did not want the conflict ah felt weak whatever it seemed/seems complicated and not a fully common situation. 

relationship resumed, everything was good, sometimes decent. he still was acting shitty. i started to get over it, and driving to see him every weekend. one call a day would suffice for this kid, being 7-12 min long, a check-in. im not your mother and im surely not benefiting from this relationship. 

my birthday comes, id been over it for about 3 weeks but just waiting to end the relationship because my father was diagnosed with acute leukemia and id find out about remission or no remission on the 23rd of march. my birthday was the 22nd. he was being a prick and mad that i wasnt super chipper my birthday. 

youve gotta be self-centered and mentally challenged to wonder why i dont want to sleep with you right now. let aloooone be mad at me for it. i say we need to talk. hes smart. he sensed out what it was about. i was about to tell him how ive been feeling and-- hes good-- he said lets go on a break. "well hun i dont believe in breaks, i think we .." he interrupts, "lets break up." 
in short, i give the ending,, closure-satisfying sentence 

he gets upset afterwards, drives me home and plays it cool

whatever i really wanted it to end i cant fully say i was about to do it but i wanted it over. horrible timing.. break up with the girl you leave, ignore, then get back, then ask out, then she finds out you cheated, you get meaner, and do it right at the progression from her birthday to finding out if he was in that first remission.


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## JaySH

Wow...PMing you


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## Frenetic Tranquility

I have known lots of Te doms who cheat/have to be the one who broke it off/etc when insecure of how things might play out. It's their way of rationalizing their control over the situation, since those with dominant external judging/inerior Internal judging...have such a tough time dealing with their lack of strong sense of self. All the confidence they project is just an illusion designed to control the outer world, and their inner confidence is actually quite lacking.

Are you over it?


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## Sophidophie

I'm in the same relationship. I'm an enfp dating a entj and he always fights about everything. I just manipulate my way out of it . 
It's in the ENTJ's nature to repel against you as his feelings get stronger. He doesn't want to show any weakness when in reality he's big messed up baby deeeeep down inside.
Right now He's probably banging his head against the wall again for leaving you.
Just don't take him back again pleeaaase. You need someone to respond to your energy, not just absorb it.

Now I just hope your father is ok


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