# Sudden Cold Shoulder Syndrome - when people stop communicating



## PeterTheGreater

Did it ever happen to you that, for unknown reasons, someone whom you usually get along with well (good friends or just acquaintance friends, good colleagues, etc.) just stops talking to you, ignores your questions or speaks vaguely and avoids getting to the point?
Or that you feel there's some general tension and hostility towards you but they won't express it in a clear way - making it quite hard to understand what's going on or even address the situation?

Being a conflict solver, my usual approach is to start gently but if they keep behaving that way to increasingly annoy them with questions until they "spill the beans" and let it out.
There have been times in which I waited patiently and they apologized one year later... but time is money and more so I would like to solve any issue right here right now (or as soon as possible).

What are your approaches to solving this problem (if you solve it)? 
Which ways have been the most effective in your experiences?


----------



## L

When people give me the cold shoulder I give them the cold disappearance.


----------



## aef8234

I usually am the cold-shoulder problem.
Low attention span ftw.
Annoying me just makes me annoy you, and if I realize you're enjoying it like some toddler, I start treating you like a toddler. What works however is...
...
I don't know actually, if I did I'd abuse it to no end.


----------



## PeterTheGreater

L said:


> When people give me the cold shoulder I give them the cold disappearance.


What a genuinely constructive approach...


----------



## PeterTheGreater

aef8234 said:


> I usually am the cold-shoulder problem.


What makes you give the cold shoulder to someone?
Why so much arrogant disrespect and useless waste of time?


----------



## Thalassa

I hate this shit more than just about anything on earth.

Just tell me to fuck off, please.


----------



## L

PeterTheGreater said:


> What a genuinely constructive approach...


If somebody no longer wants to be my friend but refuses to say so than I will take the decision out of their hands, so yes, despite your sarcastic remark it is a constructive approach I've found.

Either:
A) they come back later on down the road without any hard feelings
or
B) they don't come back at all, still, no hard feelings

I find it quite efficient.


----------



## PeterTheGreater

L said:


> If somebody no longer wants to be my friend but refuses to say so than I will take the decision out of their hands, so yes, despite your sarcastic remark it is a constructive approach I've found.
> 
> Either:
> A) they come back later on down the road without any hard feelings
> or
> B) they don't come back at all, still, no hard feelings
> 
> I find it quite efficient.


So to you what matters most is to avoid "hard feelings"?


----------



## L

PeterTheGreater said:


> So to you what matters most is to avoid "hard feelings"?


No, not at all. 

What I'm saying is this; if somebody doesn't want to respond to me trying to contact them then I consider that friendship like I would a dead limb, and I cut it off so that the rest of the body can flourish. I've gone down that road too many times with too many different people and I know that my consistent efforts creates resentment on my side and probably on their side too. So why go through that?

EDIT: another analogy: in sexual relationships if one person is putting in more effort than the other person then that is considered a toxic relationship, it is my belief, that friendships are no different.


----------



## nottie

L said:


> When people give me the cold shoulder I give them the cold disappearance.


Agreed, and nicely worded. 

Either they're being passive aggressive or they're no longer interested. Either way, I don't see the point in wasting time on them.


----------



## json

I seen it happen when people either hear something about you that they don't like, so they are so shallow that they just pretend they don't know you anymore, or if you actually did hurt someone and they shut you out to try to make you mad, upset, etc


----------



## Konigsberg

Oh, I'm going through this.

I don't get along with too many people, much less open up to lots of them. And one of the persons I trusted the most is doing this, no idea why. I wish he'd just tell me in what way I fucked up or if he just got tired of talking to me. Although it could be me who needs to learn how to take a clue. 

When I'm given the cold shoulder by someone I almost instantly notice that my approach is not welcome, I retreat to wonder about the reason- if that person is having a bad day I just wait, and if they want to talk I listen. _But_ if they're being cold on purpose... I guess I also wait for them to tell me what's the deal.

And if they don't, well- there goes the friendship.



fourtines said:


> Just tell me to fuck off, please.


Also, this^


----------



## aef8234

PeterTheGreater said:


> What makes you give the cold shoulder to someone?
> Why so much arrogant disrespect and useless waste of time?


Because assumptions deserve assumptions.


----------



## Sina

This passive aggressive cold shoulder/silent treatment nonsense means the person in question is an ass. I take the decision in my own hands and cut them out. Why waste time on someone that has no interest in resolving conflict and improving the state of a relationship/friendship? This is just a coward's game. I have no interest in it. Some of these people will give you a cold shoulder, and then they'll bitch and moan behind your back. Whatever form this takes, I don't see a point to having such people in my life.


----------



## zynthaxx

PeterTheGreater said:


> What makes you give the cold shoulder to someone?
> Why so much arrogant disrespect and useless waste of time?


I only ever do it when I realize a relationship (friendly or otherwise) is destructive. That hasn't happened a lot.
Disrespect: The cold shoulder treatment wouldn't be necessary if respect was part of the relationship. Disrespect in this case is simply lack of respect, and that's already a basic property of the relationship in question, so it's nothing I'm adding.
Useless waste of time: The cold shoulder treatment means I'm putting an end to a waste of time and energy. In other words, cutting a person out of your life is the opposite of wasting time, unless you're the resentful type who dwells on past wrongs.


----------



## EmileeArsenic

I only give the cold shoulder under two circumstances:

1) I'm so angry with them I need time to sort my thoughts out and figure out where I stand, how far I'm willing to bend to solve the issue and the best way to communicate what the problem was and how we're best to navigate similar waters in the future to avoid a conflict, but mostly, I'm usually trying to get my tongue under control before I say something deeply hurtful that I will regret.

It may come off as passive agressive, but I'm actually doing so in the interest of saving what shreds of a relationship there are left. I know the awful things my mind can come up with and I'm really trying to get myself under control before the other party learns first hand just how mean I can be. I'm not doing it to manipulate. Also, I don't like who I become when I'm angry, so I try my absolute damnedest not to allow myself to get there. Sometimes I need to disappear for a bit to keep composure.

or

2) I'm so far beyond angry with them, I no longer have interest in knowing them

In either situation, the best way to deal with me is to leave me alone and wait. If you push me and annoy me, it could go from scenario one to scenario two.


----------



## Bear987

When I suspect that people avoid me, I usually retreat. Not all people are nice or willing to be friends.


----------



## Snakecharmer

boss said:


> this passive aggressive cold shoulder/silent treatment nonsense means the person in question is an ass. I take the decision in my own hands and cut them out. Why waste time on someone that has no interest in resolving conflict and improving the state of a relationship/friendship? This is just a coward's game. I have no interest in it. Some of these people will give you a cold shoulder, and then they'll bitch and moan behind your back. Whatever form this takes, i don't see a point to having such people in my life.


amen!


----------



## Master Mind

fourtines said:


> I hate this shit more than just about anything on earth.
> 
> Just tell me to fuck off, please.


I actually prefer that someone be blunt and upfront with me and just tell me that they no longer wish to talk to me anymore. I find it annoying when I evidently have to "get the hint." 

Especially considering the fact that it takes a while for me to open up to people to begin with, so then after that has occurred to abruptly be cut off...



L said:


> if somebody doesn't want to respond to me trying to contact them then I consider that friendship like I would a dead limb, and I cut it off so that the rest of the body can flourish.


I tend to take the same approach. If my final attempt to communicate goes unresponded to, then I just leave them alone. They've made it clear at that point that they want nothing more to do with me, so I just move on with my life. 

And I'm very good at moving on.


----------



## ParetoCaretheStare

For me the cold shoulder has a lot to do with family relations, and depth of friendship. My approach to it would highly depend on who does this to me. 

For one, I admit that I have given the cold shoulder to men/boys before, because if I feel the relationship or "casual" friendship is lacking, then I must have been deeply hurt/obviously cheated on by that person for me to want to have nothing to do with them anymore. I also don't see a reason in leading someone of the opposite sex on, continuing to allow them to think that anything could happen between us, especially when he doesn't reciprocate strong feelings for me enough to be able to mutually empathize with him. I suppose I would like him to be much more emotionally expressive, and you can't ingrain that into someone who simply does not have that in his personality. 

When a close friend of the same gender gives me the cold shoulder and I feel as though the friendship was close, I contact her and leave her voicemail messages to show her that if there was something I did that made her feel uncomfortable (usually has something to do with envy), that I truly apologise and am willing to talk about the issue that I may have. Usually girl-friends who do with to me feel intimidated by this and choose to not reciprocate. I'm assuming it may have something to do with female pride, which in emotional cases are just as hurtful as men experience losing close buddy friendships. When this happens, it usually has something to do with either gossip or jealousy over a new boyfriend. 

When I give the cold shoulder to girlfriends, it's for the same exact reason as I stated above. My jealousy must have been defeated and she had proven herself to be a stronger and more loyal female entity than I, possibly even much more attractive for me to be able to handle. 

Abuse is also a huge factor, both emotional and physical, for both genders, which I experienced from both genders in different periods of my life, beginning from a young age. Siblings and parents are forgivable because in my point of view family members are people you're supposed to deal with and try to understand, which is a value I'm sure many people can agree with. Strangers and acquaintances, on the other hand, have no excuse to inflict intentionally blatant mental and physical harm onto others. Some people are genuinely sadistic, and receive personal pleasure from having personally been able to have a power handle over another individual. It is a problem. 

Just speaking the truth. It's only natural. These actions of individuals of the human race have been happening for centuries, and are unfortunately not likely to stop anytime soon. It's a part of the mating game. One should try to be a good person to genuinely have sincere friendships, whether they last a few years or an entire lifespan.


----------

