# Pornography and Relationships



## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

How do you feel about using pornography while in a monogamous relationship?

How does your partner feel?

What do you think about pornography in relationships? Is it trouble or is it fun or anything in between?


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## SgtPepper (Nov 22, 2016)

Yes, use it. Watch together if it's your thing.


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

SgtPepper said:


> Yes, use it. Watch together if it's your thing.


I feel the same way.


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## SgtPepper (Nov 22, 2016)

Falling in love with someone actually kills off that raw lust porn can satisfy in me. That's something I've noticed.

But I'm sure there are some fun and interesting things you can learn from watching it that may give you guys some ideas and improve your sex life.


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## HAL (May 10, 2014)

I become hilariously 'committed' at the start of a relationship. Porn feels like cheating, as if I've already decided she isn't sexy enough for me.

After the initial no-porn mindset wears off, generally porn consumption still remains relatively low, because there is instead a real human for real porning.


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## Drecon (Jun 20, 2016)

I think it can be part of a healthy relationship. Don't lie about it and respect the others' boundaries. But If they feel it's cheating, then that's what it is. 
But it's up to both parties to make sure that everyone's needs are met, at least to a degree. 

I have more needs in this area than my wife does and this is a way that I can cope without it costing her anything. It doesn't have any impact on our relationship or sex life, so no harm done. 
My wife knows that I watch, but doesn't ask about it. It's not something that she is really interested in knowing. 

Keep it respectful and keep lines of communication open. That's the important stuff.


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## DOGSOUP (Jan 29, 2016)

Am against it, sorry I'm bit of a prude.

Sadly I only attract scorpios & pisces who think it is either 1) fun to show me such vile material (as a joke ofc) or 2) bond over this topic.


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

DOGSOUP said:


> Am against it, sorry I'm bit of a prude.
> 
> Sadly I only attract scorpios & pisces who think it is either 1) fun to show me such vile material (as a joke ofc) or 2) bond over this topic.


Are you against it in principle--like about prostitution, or are you against it because it violates a monogamous relationship? I am just curious. 

I don't really believe in astrology, but it's interesting when there are coincidences (I'm not a Scorpio or a Pisces though so don't worry).


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## SgtPepper (Nov 22, 2016)

WickerDeer said:


> Are you against it in principle--like about prostitution


There's also amateur couple porn, not about money.


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

SgtPepper said:


> There's also amateur couple porn, not about money.


Idk. And there is also the illustrated porn too--like in the art thread. So that is not something that requires sex to produce, even.


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## DOGSOUP (Jan 29, 2016)

WickerDeer said:


> Are you against it in principle--like about prostitution, or are you against it because it violates a monogamous relationship? I am just curious.
> 
> I don't really believe in astrology, but it's interesting when there are coincidences (I'm not a Scorpio or a Pisces though so don't worry).


lol. I'll answer in the hopes that nobody wants to spread the gospel individual choices to me again...

It's a two-fold issue for me here: 1) the potential underlying exploitation that I cannot know of, similar to prostitution, so it is easier to avoid it altogether because I don't _need_ porn in my life.
2) the actual portrayals in porn, which I personally don't _enjoy _in the slightest, and often find objectionable/degrading too. This depends on the type of porn though.

So that is the main reason. However. I do feel like it violates monogamous relationship in the sense that if my partner struggled with guilt while continuing to consume a lot of porn on their own (and not as the occasional curiosity of "can you believe what insane shit I ran into today on my escapades in the deepest darkest dankest web?" _hyena laughter_) I would rather not be in the relationship, I think because it becomes so time/thought consuming and puts a strain on the relationship as well. And really. What are you watching these people for.


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## SgtPepper (Nov 22, 2016)

Just pretend you're polyamorous while watching porn.


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## Squirt (Jun 2, 2017)

DOGSOUP said:


> lol. I'll answer in the hopes that nobody wants to spread the gospel individual choices to me again...
> 
> It's a two-fold issue for me here: 1) the potential underlying exploitation that I cannot know of, similar to prostitution, so it is easier to avoid it altogether because I don't _need_ porn in my life.


I feel that way about shopping on Amazon.


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## DOGSOUP (Jan 29, 2016)

Squirt said:


> I feel that way about shopping on Amazon.


also the corner store.


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

DOGSOUP said:


> lol. I'll answer in the hopes that nobody wants to spread the gospel individual choices to me again...


Oh hah--yeah, I was just guessing. My own feelings about porn don't really fit neatly into the options I gave you either.

I will talk about my own thoughts/feelings in another post though since I don't want to push the topic on you. But what you said makes sense to me. I also forgot to mention that I get concerned about unknown exploitation too--it's almost impossible to separate that in my mind which is probably a big part of why I don't like porn myself.


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

Here goes:

I also don't like porn and I think I tend to view it more as in "this is what others like" (usually 'this is what men like' as I am heterosexual).

But since I mostly enjoy it through that interpersonal lens, it doesn't make sense to watch it on my own because it's not what "men" like--it's what some men like, and it's probably what some gross pornographer guy likes who I would find repulsive.

So that's an issue for me, because I feel like it's almost like I'm engaging intellectually with this person who I might really not like at all. I would rather be engaging sexually with someone I can feel confident in at least being able to understand, not some hidden porn director. I can barely understand my own sexuality...another person's is complex, but like the collective unconsciousness of society or some porn addict is a lot.

So I have a weird sort of fear of contamination from it. However, with a partner I tend to view it more like a window into their sexuality and so it's more interesting to explore. 

I probably do enjoy it in some way myself, but for some reason it still filters through this idea that "this is what turns the other person on" and wanting to engage in a fantasy with them.


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## Hexigoon (Mar 12, 2018)

It's fine by me but I lose a lot of my interest with it in a relationship. My past partner asked if I wanted to watch it to put me in the mood once and I declined because it'd feel awlward and wrong to end up getting aroused by porn and not by her.


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## DOGSOUP (Jan 29, 2016)

WickerDeer said:


> So I have a weird sort of fear of contamination from it. However, with a partner I tend to view it more like a window into their sexuality and so it's more interesting to explore.


This is probably the only way to frame it that will ever make sense to me.


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

edit: better not to get into that right now lol


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## Squirt (Jun 2, 2017)

WickerDeer said:


> I probably do enjoy it in some way myself, but for some reason it still filters through this idea that "this is what turns the other person on" and wanting to engage in a fantasy with them.


It can facilitate figuring out each other's sexuality before/as a supplement to direct physical engagement. Even the acknowledgment of what looks like exploitation and what doesn't, discussing where the lines are, etc. is part of that process.


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

Squirt said:


> It can facilitate figuring out each other's sexuality before/as a supplement to direct physical engagement. Even the acknowledgment of what looks like exploitation and what doesn't, discussing where the lines are, etc. is part of that process.


So like analyzing what you don't like about it? Like how two people would discuss another film?

edit: this makes sense as part of talking about sex in a mature way.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

WickerDeer said:


> How do you feel about using pornography while in a monogamous relationship?
> 
> How does your partner feel?
> 
> What do you think about pornography in relationships? Is it trouble or is it fun or anything in between?


It is certainly something that needs to be openly discussed in a healthy relationship (never something to be ashamed of and hide from one's partner). 

One of the things I did early on with all my serious intimate relationships with a woman is take her toy shopping because it is a way of opening up an intimate relationship to greater possibilities. 

It also provides for moments where one partner may be horny (or unavailable) when the other isn't. Porn can be a useful additive in this aspect. 

Porn can be used to help enhance intimacy, safely explore potential kinks, and help expand the repertoire, as it were. 

To borrow a phrase: "It's in the way that you use it."


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## 7rr7s (Jun 6, 2011)

Why watch it when you could be making it.


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## shameless (Apr 21, 2014)

I’d rather be enjoying our sex life without porn in the picture. I don’t mind that other couples view porn together. And I’m not saying I’ve never done so. I don’t care if a significant other ever viewed porn on their own (as long as they don’t seem addicted, or it’s in the way of real sex, or like they get emotional infatuations with porn performers). I just don’t want to view it with age and experience as a preference, as a couple. I want to share intimacy and the sexual experience. Not share porn.


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## Queen of Cups (Feb 26, 2010)

I’d rather be having the sex than watching the sex. Porn really does nothing for me. I wouldn’t mind it if he viewed it occasionally as long as it didn’t interfere with our sex life. He doesn’t though, so it’s never been an issue.


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## ENTJudgement (Oct 6, 2013)

WickerDeer said:


> How do you feel about using pornography while in a monogamous relationship?


Use it all you like.


WickerDeer said:


> How does your partner feel?


None of my ex partners had any problems with it but then again it's not like I was watching it in front of them or during sex with them.


WickerDeer said:


> What do you think about pornography in relationships? Is it trouble or is it fun or anything in between?


Allow it, not allowing it will probably cause problems i.e you don't wanna have sex with him coz reason X so he goes to masturbate with porn.


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## thedazzlingdexter (12 mo ago)

WickerDeer said:


> How do you feel about using pornography while in a monogamous relationship?
> 
> How does your partner feel?
> 
> What do you think about pornography in relationships? Is it trouble or is it fun or anything in between?


Isnt this essentially the same as watching a romance? Its not like you have any sort of connection with anyone IN the film.


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## thedazzlingdexter (12 mo ago)

Btw dysfunctional romances are the best in the world. #SweeneyLovette


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## DOGSOUP (Jan 29, 2016)

thedazzlingdexter said:


> Isnt this essentially the same as watching a romance? Its not like you have any sort of connection with anyone IN the film.


The actors in movies are not actually having sex on screen. Usually.


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## SilentScream (Mar 31, 2011)

DOGSOUP said:


> The actors in movies are not actually having sex on screen. Usually.


One can argue that the vast majority of pornstars aren't _really_ having sex either. When you realize that the majority of the girls are made to think they won't get paid if they don't act like they're enjoying it, or the dudes are basically going in dry in hyper-violent ways where the girls are forced to pretend to like it, having cramps, experiencing pain ... it changes how you feel about porn.

Almost every male pornstar and producer has rape allegations that are ignored even more when it comes to pornstars because they're seen as having less value than hollywood celebrities. Pornstar #metoo didn't even trend.


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## DOGSOUP (Jan 29, 2016)

SilentScream said:


> One can argue that the vast majority of pornstars aren't _really_ having sex either. When you realize that the majority of the girls are made to think they won't get paid if they don't act like they're enjoying it, or the dudes are basically going in dry in hyper-violent ways where the girls are forced to pretend to like it, having cramps, experiencing pain ... it changes how you feel about porn.
> 
> Almost every male pornstar and producer has rape allegations that are ignored even more when it comes to pornstars because they're seen as having less value than hollywood celebrities. Pornstar #metoo didn't even trend.


Yeah, I agree, I was getting at that the sexual acts including penetration are real.

I also remember some regular albeit "artsy" film used shots of porn actors in order to show more explicit sex scenes too.


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## ai.tran.75 (Feb 26, 2014)

1. How do you feel about using pornography while in a monogamous relationship?

I could care less if my partner watches it or not - I prefer for him to watch it alone than with me bc Im gross out by it but like previously stated I don’t mind my partner watching it. 

2. How does your partner feel?

He watches Erika Lust’s porn every now and then - I think he’s less into it now than he was before after watching some docu series on Netflix a few years back . He’ll probably be more intrigue if I were to watch it - lol I tried watching it with him before and got turned off . 


3 . What do you think about pornography in relationships? 

I think this highly depends on the individual preferences- I have friends who gets jealous when their partner watches porn or have celebrity crushes and others who watches it together - so obviously porn could be harmful /enhance intimacy for their relationship. 
I’ve suggested my husband to watch porn and leave me alone to sleep many times over ( don’t get me wrong I am very in love with my istp ) but we’re comfortable enough to say “no” bc let’s face it sex can be exhausting . 



Is it trouble or is it fun or anything in between

For me - I wouldn’t find it troublesome unless the porn involves minor /rape . I can’t call it fun either bc I don’t have fun watching it - unless you count me laughing my head off at my husband when I accidentally walked in on him watching it fun . 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## thedazzlingdexter (12 mo ago)

DOGSOUP said:


> The actors in movies are not actually having sex on screen. Usually.


A movie sex scene is the same as a porn one. There might be pieces where you make suggestive poses while naked, some where you are auctully doing it but at a wierd angle to mske the scene look hotter. But its the same as in a porno but a porno is just mainly the sex part. Its not any different.


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## DOGSOUP (Jan 29, 2016)

thedazzlingdexter said:


> A movie sex scene is the same as a porn one. There might be pieces where you make suggestive poses while naked, some where you are auctully doing it but at a wierd angle to mske the scene look hotter. But its the same as in a porno but a porno is just mainly the sex part. Its not any different.


In which movies are the actors "actually doing it"?


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## thedazzlingdexter (12 mo ago)

DOGSOUP said:


> In which movies are the actors "actually doing it"?


I am surprised people are not ever curious about how movies are made. 
20 Movie Scenes Where Famous Actors "Did It" For Real - YouTube


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## DOGSOUP (Jan 29, 2016)

thedazzlingdexter said:


> I am surprised people are not ever curious about how movies are made.
> 20 Movie Scenes Where Famous Actors "Did It" For Real - YouTube


You can keep your condescendion to yourself, bucko. How long did it take before you could find that video from the youtubes?

Video starts off by saying: "most cases love scenes in movies are carefully choreographed, uncomfortable and almost scientific experiences for the actors involved" ... meaning whatever is in this video are the only EXCEPTIONS they managed to scrap together... meanwhile porn actors out there suffering the real health consequences for what happens on set.

Oh boy Rob Patt masturbating (the team edward girl in me shooks)? shot from waist up so who knows, he's a massive troll. Skimmed the rest.

Most seem to be rumours/claims/debates whether sex scenes were real so I can't really comment, I wasn't there - the ones that admitted to having real sex scenes used porn actors (like Nymphomaniac), falling into the "artsy" category directors try to defend I mentioned earlier.

I also love how this video is about famous actors then the 4th movie on the list: "none of the cast are really that famous...." A whole lotta explaining to do, probably because actually famous actors don't






for real.

Like, I'm sure Pink Flamingos has a lot more in common with porn than your average movie... but who watches it, and for what reason? The average movie goer certainly does not.

Blue is the warmest colour: I knew they would bring this up and I had this article at the ready for you. This movie was much talked upon, so even a movie noob like me knew about this.



> “We had fake pussies on. You have something to protect and tape it under. I don't make love on screen. We can fake these things, you can't fake feelings, but you can fake body language.”











Blue is the Warmest Colour actresses on their lesbian sex scenes: 'We


Lesbian romance Blue Is the Warmest Colour won the Palme d'Or. Now its lead actresses are the hottest property in film. Kaleem Aftab meets them




www.independent.co.uk





They even acknowledge this in the video but go on to say "b-but you can't deny their physical closeness"... Lame.


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## Amorous (11 mo ago)

Not judging anyone else here. My view is that if I'm satisfied with my girlfriend, then I don't need porn.


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## daleks_exterminate (Jul 22, 2013)

I'm fine with it, as long as my face is super imposed onto everyone in it.



* *





I'm joking, but that would be hilarious.


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

daleks_exterminate said:


> I'm fine with it, as long as my face is super imposed onto everyone in it.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


That reminds me of someone who insists on cutting a partners ex out of photos...only it would be way funnier if they just glued a photo of their own face over the ex.  

Or just superimpose or glue photos of one's self into all one's partners' photos, the ones with friends, or family, or just a pic of their pet cat as a child...photo-bombing it from the future. 

I'm glad I'm not in a relationship right now so I can laugh about such things, because it's not like I've always been the most secure in relationships. But people can be pretty funny when feelings get involved.


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

Maybe someone should develop a porn app like that, but it would probably be used to produce revenge porn and stuff. lol


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## daleks_exterminate (Jul 22, 2013)

WickerDeer said:


> That reminds me of someone who insists on cutting a partners ex out of photos...only it would be way funnier if they just glued a photo of their own face over the ex.
> 
> Or just superimpose or glue photos of one's self into all one's partners' photos, the ones with friends, or family, or just a pic of their pet cat as a child...photo-bombing it from the future.
> 
> I'm glad I'm not in a relationship right now so I can laugh about such things, because it's not like I've always been the most secure in relationships. But people can be pretty funny when feelings get involved.


Well now you've given me an idea. He has to have an old year book around here somewhere.... 🤣


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

daleks_exterminate said:


> Well now you've given me an idea. He has to have an old year book around here somewhere.... 🤣


Uh oh!


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## Hokahey (Oct 8, 2010)

I'm a hypersexual and my wife has an extremely low sex drive. For me porn basically helps with my need.


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## tarmonk (Nov 21, 2017)

Hokahey said:


> I'm a hypersexual and my wife has an extremely low sex drive. For me porn basically helps with my need.


That's at least reasoned answer!  Hmm but there are plenty of other ways how to satisfy sex drive of a partner when lets say your partner has high sex drive and you don't. Such ways that don't require yourself to be turned on and ready for "ordinary intercourse" but could still be done together

Just an idea, not saying that healthy amounts of porn isn't okay - it is if it doesn't become obsessive


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## Celtsincloset (Feb 17, 2014)

What is worse, a man to masturbate to the images of numerous attractive woman (not porn), or to a porno (created ethically)? If the man has the higher sex drive, they are either waiting for the woman to be in one of their moods, or most likely, masturbating to imagery. A vast majority of men need imagery in order to get aroused, and what I think is that there's no real difference to the 'damage' either masturbating to a non-nudity spank bank (non-porno), or pornography, does for a man, who uses it healthily. (Healthily in that they're not addicted to porn: it's not damaging their livelihood, or is not causing other problems; then you would quit it.)

So yeah, those are the two most common mediums, and I think that, for me in a relationship, masturbating to images of attractive women is worse than masturbating to porn. _In porn, the sexual activity and/or their (somewhat faceless) naked bodies takes centre stage, rather than in masturbating to non-nude photos of women, the personality of the woman in the picture, or their unique sexual appeal, OR the person they remind them of takes centre stage._ You sure better hope that person is you, otherwise wouldn't this feel like cheating? That's why I can't masturbate to non-nude pictures if I was in a relationship, it does feel like cheating, and all I have left is porn: the better option for me personally (since I feel like I know how to use it responsibly, mainly sparingly, and not always using videos.)


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## Hokahey (Oct 8, 2010)

Celtsincloset said:


> What is worse, a man to masturbate to the images of numerous attractive woman, or to a porno (created ethically)? If the man has the higher sex drive, they are either waiting for the woman to be in one of their moods, or most likely, masturbating to imagery. A vast majority of men need imagery in order to get aroused, and what I think is that there's no real difference to the 'damage' either masturbating to a non-nudity spank bank (non-porno), or pornography, does for a man, who uses it healthily. (Healthily in that they're not addicted to porn: it's not negatively affecting their lives upon inspection, or is not causing other problems; then you would quit it.)
> 
> So yeah, those are the two most common mediums, and I think that, for me in a relationship, masturbating to images of attractive women is worse than masturbating to porn. _In porn, the sexual activity and their (somewhat faceless) naked bodies takes centre stage, rather than in masturbating to photos of women, the personality of the woman in the picture, or their unique sexual appeal, OR the person they remind them of takes centre stage._ You sure better hope that person is you, otherwise wouldn't this feel like cheating? That's why I can't masturbate to pictures if I was in a relationship, it does feel like cheating, and all I have left is porn: the better option for me personally.


Do you mean attractive women you know? Because I would say they are just as faceless as porn actresses, unless you're talking about women you actually talk to or know personally. I also don't think thoughts are cheating, actions are cheating, you can cheat on someone emotionally or physically, but the mere thoughts where you are not giving your emotions to another I wouldn't classify as cheating. Though I do know many INFJ's that identify as demisexual so maybe this would qualify. Thinking it and acting on it are two different things, like wanting to eat a 24oz steak but you know you shouldn't so you make the choice not to, that's your commitment to your body to stay healthy. The choice to not act and realize the thoughts are only there to serve you and not have you serve your thoughts.


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## Queen of Cups (Feb 26, 2010)

Queen of Cups said:


> I’d rather be having the sex than watching the sex. Porn really does nothing for me. I wouldn’t mind it if he viewed it occasionally as long as it didn’t interfere with our sex life. He doesn’t though, so it’s never been an issue.


Also, I have a very high sex drive. So unless there’s a damn good reason, I’d rather give him an orgasm myself. And vice versa.


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## Celtsincloset (Feb 17, 2014)

Hokahey said:


> Do you mean attractive women you know? Because I would say they are just as faceless as porn actresses, unless you're talking about women you actually talk to or know personally. I also don't think thoughts are cheating, actions are cheating, you can cheat on someone emotionally or physically, but the mere thoughts where you are not giving your emotions to another I wouldn't classify as cheating. Though I do know many INFJ's that identify as demisexual so maybe this would qualify. Thinking it and acting on it are two different things, like wanting to eat a 24oz steak but you know you shouldn't so you make the choice not to, that's your commitment to your body to stay healthy. The choice to not act and realize the thoughts are only there to serve you and not have you serve your thoughts.


Even celebrities, to me it feels like cheating... Maybe you see someone whose hot/sexy walking down the street and it gives you a thought, 'I want a piece of that', which may turn out to be, 'Save me a piece of that for later!'. The former thought is perfectly fine, of course—not to be taken literally, and for me the latter: of finding yourself alone, ready to go, and remembering that encounter and its details, is fine if it only sparks the arousal, but then you must realise the work involved in masturbating; is the thought really going to carry you through to climax? One would have to stay aroused as they masturbate, and for me personally, it just doesn't carry unless I transform the thought into a sexual fantasy, but even the fantasy feels like cheating.

Rather I would imagine my partner who replaces the being of it... …And photo slideshows don't do it for me unless I focus on particular images (which _could_ become this cheating) or they're nudes, aka Porn. If I wanted to truly quit porn in a relationship maybe I’d make a slideshow of body parts, like legs, ETC… ((…Also, maybe it's the negative effect of _video_ porn that imagery, outside of my own body, is what I rely on for masturbating. I assume not every guy is like this.))


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

One of the reasons I'm not into porn even though I am celibate and not in a relationship, is that...I think it's suggestive to me.

So with a romantic partner who watches porn, the main benefit it has to me is that it may depict their sexual tastes, which I can learn from. And which I can learn to enjoy.

So to me it's useful, only as a means of increasing intimacy and understanding, and perhaps putting pressure on me to release some repressions I have, myself. Or to explore whether or not I really need to cling to the rules against certain things, or if it's fair to re-evaluate them.

---

The discussion about cheating is something I used to be more worried about when I was in relationships, I remember reading an article that suggested to follow up with the fantasy, rather than repress it.

So for the man to see the celebrity or whatever, the beautiful woman--that he might think that he wants something, the author suggested that he then think about that more. What would he like to do with this stranger? What was exciting?

And then after understanding that, perhaps bringing it back to an understanding partner and not telling in detail necessarily (I mean whatever works for your relationship--if you're partner's into that) but even just suggesting or setting up an evening to do that with your partner instead. So you are always bringing home your libido to your partner anyway.

I think it's fine to have time for yourself, but the idea of pornography being something that couples can share rather than a source of shame and hiding and hurt feelings, could be part of this...like bringing the libido and focusing it on the relationship, on connecting and understanding each others' fantasies and curiosities, and perhaps trying different things in bed.

So in my experience, porn's not really an issue except if it's abused, but it can even be a means for connecting and understanding. 

An example might be--if he masturbated to a picture of an attractive woman, I would probably be jealous, but once I calmed down I could analyze the style of makeup she was wearing, or even the sort of "gist" that she is expressing--of a theme or a mood, and explore that.

That being said I don't think every person's wanting to do that, but I tend to be obsessive and I also really enjoy learning about people's fantasies, and kind of zero in on trying to figure tha out with a sexual partner, as well as explore my own fantasies and how they intersect, and so I see it more like that, rather than as a substitute.

I am sure men still need time for themselves, but to me it seems like it could be an avenue for getting closer to a partner, when one maybe calms down with the insecurities. That being said, I also wouldn't want to watch hundreds or thousands of hours of hardcore hentai porn and shit, because I'm really not into porn. Just a tiny bit can possibly teach about someone's sexual fantasies and desires, since that's the point of porn--to hook you into sexual fantasy and arousal.

---

I'm not in a relationship so I'm just exploring this topic out of curiosity about how others have viewed porn, how it's bothered them, how it's not bothered them etc.

I'm also not saying I want to be a porn addicts porn chameleon. It would be in the context of a healthy relationship without porn abuse or addiction, and with complete respect for boundaries. It's just interesting to me when I get over my jealousy/envy or insecurities and find curiosity...and perhaps it as a means of deepening understanding of sexual fantasies and tastes. And also sharing them.


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## daleks_exterminate (Jul 22, 2013)

Queen of Cups said:


> Also, I have a very high sex drive. So unless there’s a damn good reason, I’d rather give him an orgasm myself. And vice versa.



This too tbh but my original comment was so funny/terrible that I stand by it 🤣


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## ENIGMA2019 (Jun 1, 2015)

It could go either way. A balance in anything. Extreme porn would be/is an issue in my experience. 
Porn addiction: Signs, causes, and treatment

I am a porn snob though. I do not need it or seek it out. Once in a while thing together isn't a big deal.


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## CountZero (Sep 28, 2012)

So like @DOGSOUP I've always been pretty prudish and opposed to pr0n (as the kids call it.) But I've discovered that I've been repressing a fairly serious libido, and indulging once in a while sure relieves a LOT of pressure. I still feel ...shameful and squeamish about it though. And I worry about all the negative things that I hear sex workers have to deal with. 

But I also saw some remarkable statistics about the societal benefits (yes, that's right) that porn provides, such as lower sexual assault rates where porn was previously illegal and then it's suddenly available. So it's really a mixed bag for me...


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

CountZero said:


> So like @DOGSOUP I've always been pretty prudish and opposed to pr0n (as the kids call it.) But I've discovered that I've been repressing a fairly serious libido, and indulging once in a while sure relieves a LOT of pressure. I still feel ...shameful and squeamish about it though. And I worry about all the negative things that I hear sex workers have to deal with.
> 
> But I also saw some remarkable statistics about the societal benefits (yes, that's right) that porn provides, such as lower sexual assault rates where porn was previously illegal and then it's suddenly available. So it's really a mixed bag for me...


I don't really think we can conclude that porn itself lowers the rate of sexual violence. Changing attitudes towards sex could also be part of why sexual violence is lower in some places and times (though I'd have to look specifically at those statistics). A society that is more open and willing to talk about sexuality tends to have more porn available, likely, and a society that is more open and educated about sex may also understand concepts like consent better and have other cultural factors that stigmatize sexual assault rather than assuming that it is normal or something. And a society that assumes sexual assault is normal is more likely to allow predators who sexually assault to get by with impunity--a society that doesn't tolerate that or that is educated against such behavior makes it more difficult for predators to get away with that behavior.

So just saying, I think it's jumping to conclusions to assume that porn is actually the reason why sexual assault statistics might be lower in places that allow porn or have porn available.

I personally don't like porn and feel gross when I look at it as well, but I think it's more the nature of porn itself for me and how easy it is to find weird stuff that one didn't intend. I don't usually use porn to masturbate for that reason.


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## tarmonk (Nov 21, 2017)

Hokahey said:


> Do you mean attractive women you know? Because I would say they are just as faceless as porn actresses, unless you're talking about women you actually talk to or know personally. I also don't think thoughts are cheating, actions are cheating, you can cheat on someone emotionally or physically, but the mere thoughts where you are not giving your emotions to another I wouldn't classify as cheating. Though I do know many INFJ's that identify as demisexual so maybe this would qualify. Thinking it and acting on it are two different things, like wanting to eat a 24oz steak but you know you shouldn't so you make the choice not to, that's your commitment to your body to stay healthy. The choice to not act and realize the thoughts are only there to serve you and not have you serve your thoughts.


I see it pretty much the same way - doesn't matter whether it's porn or just some kind of imagery, I see it completely depersonalized way. Like they're just visual objects to me, without actual person behind them. Couldn't call it a cheating tbh  Might be that an INFJ can't see those things this way, who knows? Might be T/F difference as that's pretty much what those terms are about.

Though, thinking or fantasizing about someone you personally know and who's not your partner, is a pretty different thing in my opinion. Never done that.

Had to google what "demisexual" exactly means - yea in that context I'm sort of that, but this doesn't conflict with having an occasional look to random women (it's just more or less a basic instinct, both women and men do that and nothing wrong with it). Doesn't absolutely mean like I have any interest in them. My fantasies are depersonalized too (meaning if it involves women, they're just abstract, without face and personality), except when my long term partner plays role there - and eventually things turn this direction in my case, then it becomes shared fantasy and actions.

So as we see, it's not that black and white, right / wrong


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## ENIGMA2019 (Jun 1, 2015)

I would rather read a type of porn or use my imagination. _shrugs_ People can do whatever works for them. Porn and relationships can vary imo depending on the people involved. I can see it from all sides. Just not the side of excess. For me.


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## Aarya (Mar 29, 2016)

Interestingly enough, I've had really "no pornography" partners (for themselves), whereas I still watched from time to time. It made me see them in a more romantic light, to be honest, though they could've just been worried about their sex drive.

I've thoroughly questioned them on whether they do it or not, randomly, multiple times during the rl, and they always say they have no need to do it as long as we're together and close to each other. For longer periods of absence (3 months in one of their case) I know he's watched. I, on the other hand, still did and do watch even during the rl, simply because it's less work for me to achieve climax as soon as I set my mind on it, which doesn't always take much time to occur (setting my mind on it. It's just a nice little signal from down there), and because I find it relaxing, and I have told them. They never seemed bothered, although it did seem to light up some bulbs, always on the lines of "did you find anything in there that you'd like to try?"

I suppose they have always been pretty nice from this perspective. I would definitely not be up for something my partner sees in porn so freely unless discussed first, technicalities and all .


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## RainyMornings (Jul 24, 2018)

I think it would leave partner disappointed _if not heartbroken._ The feeling that one is not enough is so rough "and it has nothing to do with insecurity".

Imagine spending 'good time' with your wife, watched your favorite show/movie together, had your favorite food together, pillow fight and everything xD, then she sees you in the same day pleasing yourself by the help of other naked women on the screen as if you have no soul!

especially since she knows those women on screen have bodies she will never have (I'm not saying better bodies or worse), just different than hers since everyone has a different body.

If one got married and her love for his wife didn't stop him from looking at another women with lust in his eyes, then he simply doesn't love her enough, and vice versa.

I don't see why I would look at another woman if I had someone I claim I love sitting next to me. I don't get it. At least resist/stop just for her/his sake if you really love him.her.


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## DOGSOUP (Jan 29, 2016)

I don't really get the argument of... men get hornier, men need visual stimuli... if you are already horny what do you need the visual stimuli for lol...


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## Celtsincloset (Feb 17, 2014)

DOGSOUP said:


> I don't really get the argument of... men get hornier, men need visual stimuli... if you are already horny what do you need the visual stimuli for lol...


Could be the negative effect of porn, but IMO _some_ men don't get off from looking at their own junk (they've seen it since adolescence), nor from fantasies of stories they've read/people imagined, nor other sensual stuff (that would work for women). The brain is wired differently... And I'm sure someone who knows their science can take it from there.


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## Hokahey (Oct 8, 2010)

RainyMornings said:


> I think it would leave partner disappointed _if not heartbroken._ The feeling that one is not enough is so rough "and it has nothing to do with insecurity".
> 
> Imagine spending 'good time' with your wife, watched your favorite show/movie together, had your favorite food together, pillow fight and everything xD, then she sees you in the same day pleasing yourself by the help of other naked women on the screen as if you have no soul!
> 
> ...


It's interesting when I see people try to define what love is in others by projecting their own as though they are the only ones with the definition...

"no soul" - really? 

"I don't get it." - well at least you were truthful there.


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## ENIGMA2019 (Jun 1, 2015)

Do I get to watch them use their hand? _devilish grin_


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

ENIGMA2019 said:


> Do I get to watch them use their hand? _devilish grin_


Of course! If it's what you and your partner agree on in your relationship!


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## ENIGMA2019 (Jun 1, 2015)

WickerDeer said:


> Of course! If it's what you and your partner agree on in your relationship!


I have a thing for hands and other things... _blushes_


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## tarmonk (Nov 21, 2017)

Hokahey said:


> It's interesting when I see people try to define what love is in others by projecting their own as though they are the only ones with the definition...
> 
> "no soul" - really?
> 
> "I don't get it." - well at least you were truthful there.


Yea you pretty much stole my words when I wanted to comment on the same post 

It's a projection of one's subjective thoughts and opinions to others, about love and sexuality. Probably some kind of F I'd guess, as my vocabulary doesn't even contain such words and thoughts.

I have exactly the opposite opinion about the post you commented - nope, those people on clips/photos aren't actually people and personalities - they're just depersonalised visual images/objects to me if I watched them. Which can't be cheating or making my partner disappointed about that like I saw some person in them, also doesn't mean I have no soul doing like that


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## recycled_lube_oil (Sep 30, 2021)

> How do you feel about using pornography while in a monogamous relationship?


Just no, not for me. If I am in a relationship especially, it feels like cheating.
Just talking to another human being, I find more satisfying and enjoyable than watching porn.
Anyway, that is my personal view on it, some people feel differently, good for them.



> How does your partner feel?


Everyone i have been in a relationship with, has seemed disgusted at the idea of porn, to me that is not a bad thing.
However as a guy, it is annoying when I say I am not into porn and people just laugh or don't believe me.



> What do you think about pornography in relationships? Is it trouble or is it fun or anything in between?


I honestly cannot say, for some people its not trouble and then you hear stories about husbands porn habits destroying relationships. Think its one of those things a discussion needs to be had about in a relationship.


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## RainyMornings (Jul 24, 2018)

Hokahey said:


> It's interesting when I see people try to define what love is in others by projecting their own as though they are the only ones with the definition...
> 
> "no soul" - really?
> 
> "I don't get it." - well at least you were truthful there.





tarmonk said:


> Yea you pretty much stole my words when I wanted to comment on the same post
> 
> It's a projection of one's subjective thoughts and opinions to others, about love and sexuality. Probably some kind of F I'd guess, as my vocabulary doesn't even contain such words and thoughts.
> 
> I have exactly the opposite opinion about the post you commented - nope, those people on clips/photos aren't actually people and personalities - they're just depersonalised visual images/objects to me if I watched them. Which can't be cheating or making my partner disappointed about that like I saw some person in them, also doesn't mean I have no soul doing like that



I thought porn is for guys who can't get any, and generally the majority of single people view it (which makes sense) and I don't see no problem with that.

But I didn't expect it's that common to be a porn addict while having a partner at the same time. But hey you guys helped me realize it's not that rare. And by the way, you won the argument.


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## thisisme (Apr 11, 2010)

i don't really love it and find it pretty tasteless and kind of sad but i don't really care what other people do. in my own relationship...again..i don't care much what my partner decides to watch unless it impacts us in someway negatively.


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

tarmonk said:


> Yea you pretty much stole my words when I wanted to comment on the same post
> 
> It's a projection of one's subjective thoughts and opinions to others, about love and sexuality. Probably some kind of F I'd guess, as my vocabulary doesn't even contain such words and thoughts.
> 
> I have exactly the opposite opinion about the post you commented - nope, those people on clips/photos aren't actually people and personalities - they're just depersonalised visual images/objects to me if I watched them. Which can't be cheating or making my partner disappointed about that like I saw some person in them, also doesn't mean I have no soul doing like that


I think it can be "cheating" or negative on the relationship if both partners have agreed it is cheating and also if the individual has a porn addiction (as some do).

So who knows--just like an alcoholic can say that in a healthy relationship people avoid alcohol because THEY have a problem with it (and therefore everyone who drinks while being in a relationship is soulless as if everyone's an addict), I think it's more realistic to say that people in healthy relationships without porn dependence or addiction can probably enjoy porn.

Ultimately your partner's feelings are important in the situation even though on one hand the female partner's feelings might be reduced to some kind of hand-wringing imaginary stereotype of a wife who's so insecure about her body that she actually worries that her porn addicted husband/boyfriend's habit reflects on her value (most women probably wouldn't care because said guy in the example wouldn't even be attractive to them), or that the female partner's feelings are reduced to "can't feel disappointed" because you've decided to imagine the actual people in a pornography aren't people, which they are.

That being said, just because someone has a porn addiction and doesn't care for their relationship like they should doesn't mean that anyone who is okay with pornography and has an actual, real and healthy relationship with a partner, listens to their feelings, and works things out together is some soulless monsters. It could also just mean they have a healthy relationship where porn isn't a problem.


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

edit: I should drink coffee before I belligerently start being insulting to people who posted in my thread...

But i will just say that porn isn't a substitute girlfriend/wife. Your girlfriend or wife ISNT porn. It's grosser to me to suggest that it's chivalric to somehow overuse porn to the detriment of your life and obsess over it while single and then expect your wife girlfriend to want to be your substitute porn later on. Relationships aren't just "be my porn" but they are about two people--real people who have feelings and thoughts and expectations. There's nothing romantic about substituting one of them for your old porn rags or assuming that's what they actually want and anyone who doesn't do that is some soulless monster.


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## RainyMornings (Jul 24, 2018)

@*WickerDeer*

How come I had the you quoted my post notification, but when I clicked I didn't see no thing and found this instead?



WickerDeer said:


> edit: I should drink coffee before I belligerently start being insulting to people who posted in my thread...



Was the original post that you deleted directed at me? If yes, then I'm really curious about it, especially the "insulting" part. What were you trying to say?


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

RainyMornings said:


> @*WickerDeer*
> 
> How come I had the you quoted my post notification, but when I clicked I didn't see no thing and found this instead?
> 
> ...


The post that I made was inspired by your post.

I'm not really interested in going over it since I've seen you attack members for suggesting that women going topless is sexual, in which you told the male member they should "spread their buttcheeks" and presumably experience some kind of sexual assault or violation if they didn't adhere to your seemingly hypocritical standards, as I have also seen you post numerous times photos of women and even post about your own penis and the skin around your penis as well as celebrity women's "butts, pussies" and "tits."

So I honestly don't care to argue with you. I have no interest in being told to be sexually assaulted or whatever just because you imagine that your endless amounts of lusting after women and viewing them pornographically is somehow more virtuous because you say you wouldn't look at porn if you were to have a wife? And yet...I'm kind of worried you already said you have a wife, even while posting about how bad it is to view porn in a relationship and also posting about celebrity women's pussies that you watch in "artsy" porn films.

I don't care. What I left up was what I meant--do not attack anyone in my thread though--calling people who may have healthy relationships with their partners that are mature and not full of grandstanding and hot air that they are addicted to porn just because you sit around commenting on women's pussies on line and talking about your own stretchy dick skin in public all the while telling other people to spread their ass cheeks when they defend the idea that nudity isn't always sexual.


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

Anyway--the point of this thread isn't to insult people, which I am obviously being kind of insulting.

But @RainyMornings do not tell anyone in my thread to spread their buttcheeks just because they don't agree with your claimed virtuous and moral attitudes towards lewdness and sexuality, or else I will report you to moderation.

I see you have already criticized people claiming they are porn addicts when they never said anything like it--so just going to be honest that I will report you to mods.

Anyway--those are my real thoughts since you asked.

Maybe take a look in the mirror before you start calling people names or telling them lewd sexual things while claiming you're doing it because you are so chaste and have such virtuous sentiment.


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## RainyMornings (Jul 24, 2018)

@* WickerDeer*

Believe me I still don't know if you're joking or you are being serious.


what the fk are those things you just posted? Are you high or drunk?

I have never even quoted any of your posts. The only thing that made me notice you is that i see you coming wherever I post and you make sure to (like) everyone's posts and exclude my posts.

It didn't bother me since I don't know what exactly is going inside your head.


yet, I never expected you or anyone on here to hold so much hate towards me, otherwise I would have left a long time ago.



I'm one of the most active users. and I post a lot here because I used to believe if i'm not a likable user, at least no one would hate on someone who minds his own business since I almost never start with quoting anyone's post, I have never even sent anyone a message, etc..

I'm probably the most introverted one here.

I was rude only to one person because he started with being rude and mods did nothing to him. And i remember that thread.

Other than that, tell me, where else did i offend anyone on here?

As for me talking about which celebrity is hot as fuck, or me commenting on hot celebrity saying stuff like (dat ass or who wouldn't, etc etc..

tell me how is that different than every single post in this section, otherwise it would have been deleted by the mods.


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## RainyMornings (Jul 24, 2018)

WickerDeer said:


> But @RainyMornings do not tell anyone in my thread to spread their buttcheeks just because they don't agree with your claimed virtuous and moral attitudes towards lewdness and sexuality, or else I will report you to moderation.


where the fuck did i say that in this thread?

yeah i said the same thing in another thread last year to the guy who told me stuff like i'm not out of shape pale American pale ass like you, and i'm not even American nor exactly pale . he even insulted everyone on here saying pple here are senile, etc etc..

but yeah our conversation in that thread was ridiculous , and i still surprised how mods didn't send both of us infraction or something. but then again go and see who started with insults.


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## RainyMornings (Jul 24, 2018)

RainyMornings said:


> Other than that, tell me, where else did i offend anyone on here?


@* WickerDeer*

please tell me where i offended anyone because apparently you know about every single post of mine more than I do myself. I still don't know why you put so much effort into that.

Or tell me where did we talk before or where we had a discussion and I was rude to you

I just need an explanation why you do that.
Trust me, yeah i notice you posting here and there, but i never expected that from you.


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## RainyMornings (Jul 24, 2018)

WickerDeer said:


> just because you sit around commenting on women's pussies on line and talking about your own stretchy dick skin in public all the while telling other people to spread their ass cheeks when they defend the idea that nudity isn't always sexual.


And last, here is the post you are talking about. I spent 10 minutes looking for it. I still wonder how you remember my posts like that!

I just don't know what you mean by talking "in public"
How is this different from every single thread title on here or in the spam section making fun posts about the same shit.


here is the post. And it's not even (edited) or any thing.




https://www.personalitycafe.com/threads/what-are-you-thinking-about.181298/post-44276888





and this the one below it about the attractive south American model.



https://www.personalitycafe.com/threads/what-are-you-thinking-about.181298/page-4750#post-44276892





What else?


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## RainyMornings (Jul 24, 2018)

WickerDeer said:


> The post that I made was inspired by your post.
> 
> I'm not really interested in going over it since I've seen you attack members for suggesting that women going topless is sexual, in which you told the male member they should "spread their buttcheeks" and presumably experience some kind of sexual assault or violation if they didn't adhere to your seemingly hypocritical standards,



You know I had to read your reply once again and I have never felt so much toxic people can be, especially with you using such big words about a discussion I had with a guy with 9 posts in a thread last year.



Here is the thread shes talking about if anyone is interested: (I had to search too)











Thoughs on America's weird sexualization of nudity...


It had to start somewhere.Sure. When something with such deep roots into its founding, it remains heavily infused into its culture many centuries later. Bear in mind that as countries go, America is one of the youngest with plenty of growing pains. Perhaps the sexual revolution should be...




www.personalitycafe.com





What else?

It's really scary how someone can be on the inside especially when you see them around whether IRL or online and you have no idea about their true color.


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## RainyMornings (Jul 24, 2018)

As for the (no soul) thing people keep commenting on on this thread, because I will not post on this thread again, I meant by it being extremely inconsiderate towards your partner, because I know that shit hurts for so many reason. (It's a human nature)


And that was simply my answer to the question: *How do you feel about using pornography while in a monogamous relationship?*


Isn't the fucking purpose of the thread to give opinions?


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## tarmonk (Nov 21, 2017)

WickerDeer said:


> "can't feel disappointed" because you've decided to imagine the actual people in a pornography aren't people, which they are.


You had a lot of good arguments and viewpoints!  But i brought this part out to point that it's a matter of information processing (thus probs related to types) - in my case, i don't decide to see things like that - it's a way how i receive information - yep those aren't people, they're just objects and data. If this makes me look soulless then yep I'm soulless  Which I actually aren't.

If I look at my partner, she's the attraction with personality behind it. Other women can look attractive but they mean nothing to me in sexuality context, there's just visuals and data, no personality and personal attraction behind it


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## tarmonk (Nov 21, 2017)

RainyMornings said:


> I thought porn is for guys who can't get any, and generally the majority of single people view it (which makes sense) and I don't see no problem with that.
> 
> But I didn't expect it's that common to be a porn addict while having a partner at the same time. But hey you guys helped me realize it's not that rare. And by the way, you won the argument.


No, it's not for guys who don't "get any"  I see it just as an alternative way to enrich sexuality, even in relationship.

PS I don't actually watch porn as it's uninteresting to me  Neither was my goal to "win" any argument


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