# I'm ruining my relationship.



## perpetuallyreticent (Sep 24, 2014)

It's gotten to the point after being with my boyfriend for 9 months now that I'm constantly looking for problems. Looking for reasons to fight with him. I'm incredibly insecure, have low self esteem and I don't know what to do about it. It's ruining my otherwise perfect relationship.

For a couple months now I'll have these embarassing outburts ..and it's often around people, too. His family, friends or sometimes my daughter. 

For example- Around the time of our birthday (in July of this year) I had an outburst infront of everyone because my boyfriend wanted to go night fishing with his brother after we all got back from being out on this boat with his brother, his sister in law and their friends. I made this scene while we were all on the boat, practically yelling at him about why he wanted to go fishing when he said he was going to come lay down with me after we got back. In the heat of the moment, I feel very justified in making scenes and feel very hurt. I also cry entirely too often... I've made scenes like this at least a handful of times infront of his family. And it almost always centers around why he wants to go be around somebody else or why he doesn't want to do something with me. 

Another example is a couple of months ago we were hanging out with the same brother and two friends, and my boyfriend and his brother were gonna go pick up something to eat for everybody (by themselves initially) but I threw a fit as to why I couldn't go. His brother's wife and friend were trying to calm me down and explain that they should be able to go alone and have some sibling time together. I freaked.

And after all this happens and I calm down, I'm so embarassed with myself. But it just happens again. I don't know what specifically it is but I can't seem to control it when it happens. I've centered my life around him at this point and I know it's unhealthy and unfair to him. Especially considering he still hasn't left me and still puts up with it. I ask him all the time when we fight why he hasn't left me and he tells me over and over again because he likes me and doesn't want to, but that I've got to stop acting the way I do because it's pushing him away. I don't want to act like this anymore but I don't even know what it stems from.. Do you guys think it correlates whatsoever with my dad dying while I was young and growing up without a father figure? My childhood was kind of messed up I guess, but I didn't think it had that much of an effect on me since I'm completely normal until I'm in a relationship.. then I act out like I'm a fucking child that doesn't know any better. MY mother was also an addict most of my life, up until I was 16 or so.. but I don't know what affect that would have on me, so..

Any questions are welcomed, but I'd love feedback. Thanks.


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## Another Lost Cause (Oct 6, 2015)

You seem to feel rejected somehow if he goes and hangs out with others for awhile. Keep in mind he isn't rejecting you at all, the small amount of distance at times can make him all the happier to see you when he gets back. I guess you could try the "count to 10" trick if you feel your emotions starting to boil, try to force yourself to pause somehow and think about what it is you're about to do in those volatile moments.


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## 95134hks (Dec 20, 2015)

perpetuallyreticent said:


> It's gotten to the point after being with my boyfriend for 9 months now that I'm constantly looking for problems. Looking for reasons to fight with him. I'm incredibly insecure, have low self esteem and I don't know what to do about it. It's ruining my otherwise perfect relationship.
> 
> For a couple months now I'll have these embarassing outburts ..and it's often around people, too. His family, friends or sometimes my daughter.
> 
> ...


If the two of you cannot see eye on things then maybe you are not cut out for each other.

Your stress may simply be due to frustration with the dissonance between the two of you.

It takes about a year to figure out for 2 people if they get along well.

After 9 months the answer may simple be "not."

Birthdays are special and should be spent together alone not with a big group fishing.

If your BF cares more about fishing than you on your birthday then you need a new one.


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## 95134hks (Dec 20, 2015)

Another Lost Cause said:


> You seem to feel rejected somehow if he goes and hangs out with others for awhile. Keep in mind he isn't rejecting you at all, the small amount of distance at times can make him all the happier to see you when he gets back. I guess you could try the "count to 10" trick if you feel your emotions starting to boil, try to force yourself to pause somehow and think about what it is you're about to do in those volatile moments.


These are really good ideas for a relationship that IS working.

For a relationship that is NOT working it only puts off the ultimate melt down.


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## Purrfessor (Jul 30, 2013)

I think it is because you don't have another close relationship. It's just him for you. He has you, his brother, and idk who else... And it's unbalanced. My ex was like this with me because she didn't have any friends and I went to parties and stuff with mine. I felt obligated to be her friend more than to live my life and eventually it did push me away. I think you need more baskets to put your eggs in.


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## perpetuallyreticent (Sep 24, 2014)

95134hks said:


> If the two of you cannot see eye on things then maybe you are not cut out for each other.
> 
> Your stress may simply be due to frustration with the dissonance between the two of you.
> 
> ...


well I dont really agree with that because it was a trip for both of our birthdays since they're only five days apart. And its more of how I react to these things..not how they make me feel. Im sure feeling dejected from the scenario would've been acceptable but I go the extra mile and make sure he knows I'm upset. I make scenes because I feel like it'll get me what I want but it never does..so I feel helpless and end up getting so frustrated I blow up even more.


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## Purrfessor (Jul 30, 2013)

95134hks said:


> If the two of you cannot see eye on things then maybe you are not cut out for each other.
> 
> Your stress may simply be due to frustration with the dissonance between the two of you.
> 
> ...


I think he wanted to do this fishing, not because he doesn't care about her, but because he needs a break from the attention she has been demanding. It's like when somebody cheats.. It's more of a way to send a message than it is a way to be selfish.


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## perpetuallyreticent (Sep 24, 2014)

Stelliferous said:


> I think it is because you don't have another close relationship. It's just him for you. He has you, his brother, and idk who else... And it's unbalanced. My ex was like this with me because she didn't have any friends and I went to parties and stuff with mine. I felt obligated to be her friend more than to live my life and eventually it did push me away. I think you need more baskets to put your eggs in.


This is solid advice and makes sense. I do end up feeling a lot better when I talk with my own friends and participate in hobbies I love but its difficult to keep myself busy sometimes.


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## 95134hks (Dec 20, 2015)

Stelliferous said:


> I think he wanted to do this fishing, not because he doesn't care about her, but because he needs a break from the attention she has been demanding. It's like when somebody cheats.. It's more of a way to send a message than it is a way to be selfish.


Birthdays are special occasions however. No excuse.

On any ordinary given day then fishing would be no problem however.


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## Purrfessor (Jul 30, 2013)

perpetuallyreticent said:


> This is solid advice and makes sense. I do end up feeling a lot better when I talk with my own friends and participate in hobbies I love but its difficult to keep myself busy sometimes.


She was a 4w5 too. Try not to focus on what he has more than you focus on what you have.


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## 95134hks (Dec 20, 2015)

perpetuallyreticent said:


> well I dont really agree with that because it was a trip for both of our birthdays since they're only five days apart. And its more of how I react to these things..not how they make me feel. Im sure feeling dejected from the scenario would've been acceptable but I go the extra mile and make sure he knows I'm upset. I make scenes because I feel like it'll get me what I want but it never does..so I feel helpless and end up getting so frustrated I blow up even more.


Emotional responses are normally the result of stress.

Stress is normally the result of frustration.

It sounds like the fishing trip was not a good idea.

Some other more romantic trip would have been more appropriate.

I would not condemn natural emotional reactions.

I think the fishing trip was a bad idea.


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## 95134hks (Dec 20, 2015)

Stelliferous said:


> I think it is because you don't have another close relationship. It's just him for you. He has you, his brother, and idk who else... And it's unbalanced. My ex was like this with me because she didn't have any friends and I went to parties and stuff with mine. I felt obligated to be her friend more than to live my life and eventually it did push me away. I think you need more baskets to put your eggs in.


So Stlli, your conclusion is that this is a blend of 2 people who have different needs and expectations of each other.

The question now is whether this can be fixed or if it is easier to start over ??

I would say give the fix a try.

Then after another couple of months if the fix does not work then give up the relationship and start over.

You would not want to be stuck in a life long marriage with problems like this.


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## Purrfessor (Jul 30, 2013)

95134hks said:


> So Stlli, your conclusion is that this is a blend of 2 people who have different needs and expectations of each other.
> 
> The question now is whether this can be fixed or if it is easier to start over ??
> 
> ...


You're thinking too far ahead. The first step is recognizing what one is emotional about. The next step is her own to decide. Being in the moment helps you see your actions instead of the consequences of your actions that would otherwise be inspected by imagining the future. The problem is an action problem, not a consequence problem. A consequence problem looks like: "my bf doesn't say I love you back when I say it"... Something out of your control but is still a necessity. This problem of hers is very much in her control.


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## EccentricSiren (Sep 3, 2013)

I heard a theory once that sometimes, when people are really afraid of something happening, they unconsciously do things that are more likely to make that thing happen because in a way, dealing with the thing we fear is less scary than constantly waiting for it to happen. Maybe you're afraid of being rejected, so on some level, you're acting in a way that is sure to get you rejected so that you get it over with and aren't constantly waiting for it to happen. Your past experiences seem to have also have taught you that you can't trust the people who are supposed to look out for you, and you may need therapy to learn to believe that someone could actually love you, come through for you, be there for you, accept you. It seems like you realize all to well that you are pushing him away, and maybe a good therapist could help you sort out why you're doing this, recognize when it's starting to happen, and stop it before it becomes full-blown.


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## Death Persuades (Feb 17, 2012)

Do you see a therapist? I would inquire about a referral to a psychiatrist and asking them about a low dose of risperdal. I used to be like that until they gave me Risperdal for psychosis. I'm not saying you're psychotic, but such behaviors can arise from flawed thought processes. Average dose for psychosis is around 6mg, so I would ask about maybe 1-2mg (I was on 3),.


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## Red Panda (Aug 18, 2010)

Have you been to a psychologist? There might be some deeper issues that are partially unrelated to your boyfriend, especially since you mentioned your mother and how you've had troubles in the past. It's a tad extreme to have such breakdowns for relatively trivial reasons.


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## perpetuallyreticent (Sep 24, 2014)

EccentricSiren said:


> I heard a theory once that sometimes, when people are really afraid of something happening, they unconsciously do things that are more likely to make that thing happen because in a way, dealing with the thing we fear is less scary than constantly waiting for it to happen. Maybe you're afraid of being rejected, so on some level, you're acting in a way that is sure to get you rejected so that you get it over with and aren't constantly waiting for it to happen. Your past experiences seem to have also have taught you that you can't trust the people who are supposed to look out for you, and you may need therapy to learn to believe that someone could actually love you, come through for you, be there for you, accept you. It seems like you realize all to well that you are pushing him away, and maybe a good therapist could help you sort out why you're doing this, recognize when it's starting to happen, and stop it before it becomes full-blown.


I feel like this is as close as any explanation is going to get for me. It makes a lot of sense.. therapy is typically costly though..


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

Stelliferous said:


> I think he wanted to do this fishing, not because he doesn't care about her, but because he needs a break from the attention she has been demanding. It's like when somebody cheats.. It's more of a way to send a message than it is a way to be selfish.


That's not a healthy way of communication in either of those scenarios, and is unhealthy on his part if he is breaking plans with her and leaving her on their birthday trip that is supposedly about them, because he wants to send a message to her. So this is a big failure to communicate (and passive aggressive) on his part as well, if that is what you are suggesting. 

I do agree that @_perpetuallyreticent_ you are probably stressed from having to be such a part of his life. He has family and goes out and does stuff without you on the night of your mutual birthday celebration. It's not really including you that much as much as you seem to want to be included in his life and family. I would actually find it a bit hurtful too unless he actually agreed ahead of time to go do that. If he said he would go lay down with you etc. and then just abandoned you, that might also trigger a little something from your past (sorry I said "abandoned" but I was just thinking in terms of feelings--he didn't actually "abandon" you). It's also showing a kind of inconsistency and abrupt change of plans on his part--and it probably didn't feel like he was caring about your feelings even though it was supposed to be a night for both of you.

Perhaps some of your love language is "quality time" and then you find on both of your birthday parties that he totally neglects that (spending the evening with others then leaving alone).

But perhaps mutual birthdays are a bad idea for this reason. If it was just his birthday party--perhaps you could celebrate for him and be understanding of his individual needs, whereas if it was yours, perhaps as your boyfriend he should focus more on your needs and compromise. Instead of it being a "romantic trip" it was basically you with his family (and his support system) hanging out on a boat until he felt like going off with his own boat and leaving you with his family. The whole situation doesn't sound like that much fun to me, and perhaps not to most introverts.

Maybe you are feeling a bit isolated being immersed in his life and family, and not going out and doing things yourself? With people who care about you specifically (as his brother probably do have more loyalties to him)? Do you go out places and do things you enjoy? They probably all understand him better than you (having grown up together and sharing the same family culture) and so perhaps you need to extend out to have people who understand you better.

With your past, I imagined you ended up having your needs neglected a lot with no father an an addict mother. You perhaps didn't feel prioritized as a child, and now you find yourself almost the "third wheel" in situations with your boyfriend where he has a big support system, and you basically just have him. 

In what other ways does he provide you the emotional intimacy that you crave? Is your relationship really perfect, or are there things you could resolve and fix even when you are not having these break downs? 

You might try learning how to count to ten or something to calm yourself down in the moment--I'm not sure. Certainly, there is nothing wrong with trying to get both of your needs met, but it sounds like the outbursts aren't really helping with that for either of you. 

IDK--these are just some thoughts. Do you like his brother's family and want to spend time with them, or can you just assume that when they come over it's something more for your partner and not really something you genuinely enjoy all that much?


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## perpetuallyreticent (Sep 24, 2014)

Double posting because responding via mobile is frustrating. 
@Red Panda no. Like I said above it seems expensive most of the time snd I wouldn't know where to start.


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## perpetuallyreticent (Sep 24, 2014)

@Death Precedes Nope. Wouldn't know where or how to start it. I kind of think some kind of low dosage of something would help but the thing is is I only act this way with my boyfriend. Take me out of a romantic relationship and I'm completely normal otherwise.
@Meltedsorbet I barely hang out with people anyway but my normal hobbies would include skyping with friends and browsing the internet. But I've procrastinated getting internet so since we've been together I've only spent my time with him..for the past nine months.


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## omoinisa (Nov 18, 2014)

To the OP - as has already been pointed out, this is classic BPD. I recommend you begin addressing it without delay. Otherwise you will surely lose him. No matter how willing and devoted, everyone has a limit. If he does not eventually leave, he will incur such psychological damage that he will likely become a shell of a person who increasingly exists in the relationship (and in the world) in body but not in mind. He will "shut down". So either way you are likely to lose him.
If you've had other long-term relationships in the past (1 year +),
you will probably recognise the pattern I'm describing. 

The good news is that you already have the most critical component in resolving it - recognition that there is a serious issue and determination to address it.

DBT is the method currently thought to be most effective in tackling it. However I don't think paying big bucks for therapist sessions is the best way to go. 

With the advent of the Internet, we have entered the post - expert age, at least in purely theoretical fields. Given at least average intelligence and determination, you can do more for your recovery than any therapist could. Just read about the strategies voraciously and enact them.

And you're starting from a position of great strength - you have the love and support of your boyfriend to speed things along and provide reinforcing feedback.
I wish you the best of luck and hope you post further on any progress in future.


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## perpetuallyreticent (Sep 24, 2014)

Pretty certain I do have BPD. I read over all of this ( http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Borderline+Personality+Disorder ) and it describes me to a T. I even have some symptoms in general life that don't center around my boyfriend.


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## NightGallery (Dec 15, 2015)

Has he given you a reason to be so insecure? what are your MBTI types?


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## perpetuallyreticent (Sep 24, 2014)

He tested as an ENTP but I'm not entirely sure if he's that or ESTP. I'm an ISFP for sure.


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## piano (May 21, 2015)

ah well there's your problem. you're dating an ENTP.


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## perpetuallyreticent (Sep 24, 2014)

Lol. Yeah.. He's a fucking troll.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

@perpetuallyreticent

Have you ever tried counselling? This sounds like some sort of separation anxiety.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

i cant play the piano said:


> ah well there's your problem. you're dating an ENTP.


Hey, wait a minute!


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## perpetuallyreticent (Sep 24, 2014)

Counselling seems so expensive though. As do any other therapy or counselling sessions. But I'll know for sure when I go see my doctor, hopefully.


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## koalaroo (Nov 25, 2011)

perpetuallyreticent said:


> Counselling seems so expensive though. As do any other therapy or counselling sessions. But I'll know for sure when I go see my doctor, hopefully.


Counseling is expensive, but if you do have something like BPD, you will need therapy because you haven't learned appropriate coping skills to deal with life problems.


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## Macrosapien (Apr 4, 2010)

Stelliferous said:


> I think it is because you don't have another close relationship. It's just him for you. He has you, his brother, and idk who else... And it's unbalanced. My ex was like this with me because she didn't have any friends and I went to parties and stuff with mine. I felt obligated to be her friend more than to live my life and eventually it did push me away. I think you need more baskets to put your eggs in.




Damn I do this, what your ex did. But for me I have had friends, I just burned all of those bridges entirely, primarily because I'm always bracing myself for the rejection and abandonment to occur. It's the need for a special kind of attention, that is based on ones expectations. In relationships, some more than others, we are really in them for ourselves -- we are united to our imaginations, we do not truly see each other as we really are. We by pass many things, and cleave to our fantasies. By doing this we begin to expect things of these fantasies, we project what we want on them, and then when it doesnt happen, we feel betrayed. They always say they are going to do something, but always end up doing something else, they dont want to be around me, I dont like them when they do this.. and these associative processes go on and on, until our investment in them is so big, that the littlest of things will then set one off and it's all our creation -- sure our friends or partners may actually be doing stupid things, but our reactive natures, in what it reacts to, and HOW is totally our issue alone and is not based on what is external -- its all in us, the external only gives a mirror to it, after all, the people we engage now did not form us, we came already made before our interactions with them.

Our psychological state is always in flux, our state is so easily altered -- always stuck between a stick with two ends, flipping between like and dislike so readily, due to an damaged emotional life.


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## Purrfessor (Jul 30, 2013)

Macrosapien said:


> Damn I do this, what your ex did. But for me I have had friends, I just burned all of those bridges entirely, primarily because I'm always bracing myself for the rejection and abandonment to occur. It's the need for a special kind of attention, that is based on ones expectations. In relationships, some more than others, we are really in them for ourselves -- we are united to our imaginations, we do not truly see each other as we really are. We by pass many things, and cleave to our fantasies. By doing this we begin to expect things of these fantasies, we project what we want on them, and then when it doesnt happen, we feel betrayed. They always say they are going to do something, but always end up doing something else, they dont want to be around me, I dont like them when they do this.. and these associative processes go on and on, until our investment in them is so big, that the littlest of things will then set one off and it's all our creation -- sure our friends or partners may actually be doing stupid things, but our reactive natures, in what it reacts to, and HOW is totally our issue alone and is not based on what is external -- its all in us, the external only gives a mirror to it, after all, the people we engage now did not form us, we came already made before our interactions with them.
> 
> Our psychological state is always in flux, our state is so easily altered -- always stuck between a stick with two ends, flipping between like and dislike so readily, due to an damaged emotional life.


I'm an optimist, possibly even naive, when it comes to what other people want. Obviously optimism is a form of ignorance, as disappointment occurs semi-regularly due to me overestimating people. But still that's just who I am. And I just don't work well with people who are on the other end of the spectrum, filled with hopelessness, stubbornness, or an overall lack of confidence in others or themselves. Unfortunately I've had to burn bridges too. Being around people who are so different is really draining. In the end I learned to respect myself, by burning those bridges. 

With her though.., she wanted friends. She didn't have any because she chose to not. And when the time came where she got attention from another, she could only think about herself. I had to leave.


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## Techie1 (Sep 27, 2015)

perpetuallyreticent - I'm not big on emotions and feelings, being an NT type. However, a friend of mine, a communications and HR expert pointed something out to me. And I don't mean to be sexist here - Women will sometimes go off on what appear to be minor issues. What they tend to be angry about isn't the issue at hand. It's much more deep-seated than that. How long have you been going out with this guy? Obviously you're angry about something related to him or to both of you. Is he not pulling his weight in the relationship? Is he not meeting some need that you expect him to?

Maybe you can give me some advice, too. I have recently ended a relationship with a girl I've been dating for 3 years. She and I hadn't had "relations" in awhile, due to her being menipausal. She put me up while I was between homes for about 4 months. During that time, she made it quite clear we were roommates only, and not to pressure her. (she's either ISFP or ISTP). Anyway, 2 weeks after I moved out, she asked for her key back. A week later, I found 2 bouquets of flowers on her bartop. The first was 12 white roses. The second was 12 RED roses. I immediately knew she was seeing someone else. That said, she never made it clear (never said) that we weren't seeing each other. In fact, she also suggested that after I moved out, we'd work on our relationship. I was disappointed to find she'd found and started dating someone else. I was disappointed that she couldn't or wouldnt' tell me it was ended, and I was disappointed that I had to discover it. (Knew something was up when she asked for the key. call it 6th sense, but I knew that she was seeing someone). She came over for dinner and we talked some. Since then, new info has come up - her saying to the friend that she wasn't happy. So, do I cut it off and not look back, or what? We've traveled together, seeing a good bit of Europe and the US together. I hate to lose it, but it looks like I already have. So what do I do? Remain friends, or cut it off completely? Any advice would be welcomed.


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## angelfish (Feb 17, 2011)

@perpetuallyreticent,

I think this is your key: 



> it almost always centers around why he wants to go be around somebody else or why he doesn't want to do something with me.


I used to be pretty anxious about this sort of thing in my relationship. I still am, a little, but I've gotten better with time. 

You seem to know what the root is: 



> I've centered my life around him at this point and I know it's unhealthy and unfair to him.


It sounds like your fear of abandonment is intense and significant enough for you to feel like sacrificing the social relations that might be impacted when you freak out is worth safeguarding your relationship - which really isn't that crazy when you think about it - but you're allowing yourself to severely overinflate the danger of what will happen to you if you are apart from him for a while. I can certainly understand how having an addicted mother and father who passed away early could set you up for abandonment struggles. 

My suggestion to you - what has helped me very much - is to allow the separation to happen, take a deep breath, and figure out what you might enjoy doing in the meantime. I've discovered that I enjoy lazy nights by myself very much - me, a book, a bubble bath or long hot shower, and some chocolate. Sure it's wonderful to sleep with him and I miss him, but I'll see him again. I think that's what it's about, is trusting that whatever he goes and does, it's not going to weaken the bond between you. If anything, there's something even more strong and romantic about one partner being able to go off and life their life and to "come back home" to the other. And I don't know if you're like me, but I'm really bad at allocating healing time for myself. I'm always go-go-go. So when he goes off, I use it as special time to take care of myself. I can't say I explicitly look forward to being apart from him, but I sort of look forward to those pauses between us as a part of the rhythm of the relationship. It's like the negative space in a piece of artwork. You're apart, but if in the big picture you are together, the negative space serves to support and enhance the whole.


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## perpetuallyreticent (Sep 24, 2014)

angelfish said:


> @perpetuallyreticent,
> 
> I think this is your key:
> 
> ...


Thank you for taking the time to write this.  You're definitely onto something about taking time for myself when he is away. It hasn't spiked as an issue in the past 2 or so weeks since he's been back from visiting his family mainly because we haven't had any opportunities for him to go hang out with anybody else. But I'm going to take all of the great advice I was given and just slowly work through it when I feel the outburst coming. 

And I absolutely agree with you that time apart only brings people closer. It makes me feel more loved when we come back together or are about to be part and he tells me how much he missed me or is going to than if he insisted on only being with me every day, all day. But being with someone 24/7, even him (despite feeling the need to constantly be together) takes a toll on two people. We clash occasionally, just like any normal people, and since we live together we can't exactly get away from each other when we're heated. And the only reason we normally fight is _because_ we're around each other so much, and we've both noticed that being the reason for our fights, too. 

Surprisingly I did better than I'd thought when he went away for Christmas to see his family. He was gone from Wednesday until Sunday night and I got to hang out with a friend and binge watch a show and all that great stuff and it felt great.


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## Toru Okada (May 10, 2011)

perpetuallyreticent said:


> Pretty certain I do have BPD. I read over all of this ( Urban Dictionary: Borderline Personality Disorder ) and it describes me to a T. I even have some symptoms in general life that don't center around my boyfriend.


if you really fit the BPD or "cluster-B" profile you ought to try and get that sorted out or minimized before you date anyone. It's a guaranteed time-bomb.

In fact you sound something like someone I dated who had a BPD/NPD profile. She was without a doubt the most anguished and hateful person I've ever met. She was never happy for long. 

It's fitting you mention the absence of a father. She had daddy and mommy problems too. Unfortunately, I'm not sure much can be done to help that sort of personality. I tried to get her to go work it out but she didn't seem to think anything could be done. She would rather go buy expensive shit she didn't need or go on sex sprees with near-strangers for her good feels.


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## Laguna (Mar 21, 2012)

Wow- you must have a lot of other awesome qualities that he is still hanging around. Of course it is from your childhood. Father died. Mother an addict. Don't reach any longer- accept the fact that you were dealt a crappy deck that is causing you to be overly clingy and worry about being abandoned. You are not the first person who develops personality issues over their childhood. Just don't wallow in it. Fix it. Go seek counseling. Come to grips with your childhood. Not having a father figure in your formative years REALLY can mess up your relationships. You can face this and aim to fix it. Throwing hissy fits because your boyfriend might leave your side for GASP! an hour to be with his brother is really really lame. Not a way you want to live your life with any sort of self respect. You will not keep relationships this way. The moment the honeymoon is over- your man will bolt out of there. NO ONE wants to be smothered or feel trapped. Don't cry. Don't whine. Just face it. And fix it. or continue to live in this craziness. It's pretty black and white to me.


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## perpetuallyreticent (Sep 24, 2014)

Laguna said:


> Wow- you must have a lot of other awesome qualities that he is still hanging around.


I guess so.. We have a lot in common and we enjoy each other very, very much when I don't have those outbursts. We make each other laugh all day, genuinely enjoy each other's company and compliment the other's personality- I think. But you're right. You could be someone's soul mate, so to speak, but a person can only handle so much from another person. 




Laguna said:


> Don't reach any longer- accept the fact that you were dealt a crappy deck that is causing you to be overly clingy and worry about being abandoned. You are not the first person who develops personality issues over their childhood. Just don't wallow in it. Fix it. Go seek counseling. Come to grips with your childhood. Not having a father figure in your formative years REALLY can mess up your relationships. You can face this and aim to fix it. Throwing hissy fits because your boyfriend might leave your side for GASP! an hour to be with his brother is really really lame. Not a way you want to live your life with any sort of self respect. You will not keep relationships this way. The moment the honeymoon is over- your man will bolt out of there. NO ONE wants to be smothered or feel trapped. Don't cry. Don't whine. Just face it. And fix it. or continue to live in this craziness. It's pretty black and white to me.


Some of those things are really easier said than done. Of course it's black and white- there's most definitely a wrong and right in what I do and my course of actions. As far as me overcoming my out bursts, though- that takes a lot of mind over matter. It's very hard, like I explained in my opening post that as much as I understand that I'm wrong (even while it's happening) I try to control it, but just end up frustrated and take it out on him. But hopefully next time I'm presented with a situation where it could possibly happen again, I'll think about it if I see it coming and remove myself entirely from the situation.


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## Laguna (Mar 21, 2012)

perpetuallyreticent said:


> I guess so.. We have a lot in common and we enjoy each other very, very much when I don't have those outbursts. We make each other laugh all day, genuinely enjoy each other's company and compliment the other's personality- I think. But you're right. You could be someone's soul mate, so to speak, but a person can only handle so much from another person.
> 
> 
> 
> Some of those things are really easier said than done. Of course it's black and white- there's most definitely a wrong and right in what I do and my course of actions. As far as me overcoming my out bursts, though- that takes a lot of mind over matter. It's very hard, like I explained in my opening post that as much as I understand that I'm wrong (even while it's happening) I try to control it, but just end up frustrated and take it out on him. But hopefully next time I'm presented with a situation where it could possibly happen again, I'll think about it if I see it coming and remove myself entirely from the situation.


You can do this!
:wink:


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## INForJoking (Nov 23, 2015)

I agree that Birthdays should be viewed as special. I find miscommunication is usually the biggest problem. Did you state to him what your expectations were? I find, I have to remember guys can't read my mind. If I'm honest and clear with what I want, need, and expect, there usually is not a problem. If he did know your expectations, but still wanted to go fishing, and chose to ditch you? Then I understand you feeling hurt. I would suggest trying to talk to him one on one and being honest about the things that hurt you. Relationships can be tricky.


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