# xNTPs and physical contact



## bengalcat (Dec 8, 2010)

What are xNTPs like when it comes to maintenance of their physical boundaries and cautiousness with other people's boundaries?

As an INFJ (and I think this is INFJ-related) I am very very careful with physical boundaries and things like touch. I kind of go out of my way to make sure that I don't make anyone feel uncomfortable through random, potentially unwanted physical contact. 

There's a guy in my tute group at uni who I'm pretty sure is an xNTP (I lean more towards thinking INTP but he's pretty gregarious so I'm not sure), and I've had this sense that maybe he is interested in me.

There were two times in our tute today when we had to walk by each other (to move to other parts of the room to swap seats.) The first time I kind of backed myself into a corner to give him clear room to be able to pass, so we crossed paths without any touch involved. The second time was at the end of the class, I hadn't even realised he was there but he pretty much completely brushed against me as he walked past behind me. There have also been a couple of times when he's handed me something and our hands have quite definitely met in the process, which surprised me because as I mentioned before I'm usually quite aware of boundaries and space enough to reduce the chance that hands would meet in a simple hand-over of some item. 

I sort of feel like compared to other people who I'm at the same level of acquaintance with, we've had a lot more incidental touching, it's sort of like the kind of casual, easy physical contact I would expect to have with best friends or my family. I would say we're... sort of friends, but it's not definite, we haven't hung out outside of tutorials yet and we don't sit together in lectures. And we haven't really had a one on one chat either. 

I'm not sure if this is a way of expressing his attraction or if it's an xNTP thing to not be so aware of physical space and therefore accidentally end up making unintentional physical contact? Or maybe he already considers me a friend, feels comfortable enough with me to be more casual with physical contact? 

It's really the brushing against me today that makes me ask this. I could kind of reason away the previous hand contact, but with the brush today it was like he really had no qualms "squeezing by" me, although he definitely could have found a way to walk past without coming into contact if that mattered to him. But I know that if we were talking about my ENFP mum for example, she could do stuff like that without even realising what she was doing. Physical contact is not the biggest deal to her, she probably experiences lots of various kinds of touch with people without meaning to express anything in particular through it. 

Oh just to be clear I haven't found this touch sleazy or creepy. I don't mind it, it feels kind of comfortable when it happens, though I never see it coming. I just find it strange that he's so easy with it when we don't know each other well.


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## DeductiveReasoner (Feb 25, 2011)

TBH, I haven't noticed any correlation between types and physical contact. Personally, I'm not a very touchy-feely person. I'd assume maybe extroverts and feelers and maybe even sensors would look for physical contact moreso than xNTPs. I can't really speak for anyone else though.

And if a person's into you, that can change the physical contact standards by a longshot.


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## Eleventeenth (Aug 24, 2011)

Yes, we can be pretty unaware of our surroundings (very low Se), but when it comes to touch, I'm very aware of who I create contact with. I avoid it unless want it. I go out of my way to not touch people. Personal space is very important to me. I am similar to you OP in how you describe yourself as being very aware of incidental touch. I just don't really do it. I think it's a Ti thing or an Si thing: you have your space and I have mine. Don't invade mine and I won't invade yours. Rules people, rules!

That said, if I want contact with someone, I become the polar opposite of this. I become very, very warm to the point that I welcome your touch and I'll offer my touch very easily as well. That leads me to believe that this guy purposely wants to make contact. It could be a way of saying, "Hey good lookin'!" (he's sort of into you), although I can't read his mind obviously. Maybe it is incidental. But, if he's INTP and he's trying and putting forth that kind of effort, you'll want to respond either positively or at least neutrally. If you show even the slightest sign that you don't want the contact or that it makes you uncomfortable, he'll likely never do it again and his "pursuit" of you would very likely be shut down in an instant. It sounds like he might be trying to gauge your interest by your reaction. And his next step will be determined by how positive or negative your response is. 

Positive responses: 
*smile at him when he does it
*when you walk past him next time say something silly like, "this game is kind of fun". 
*wait until after class and go up to him and make some conversation (this shows that you weren't repelled by his touch)

Neutral responses: 
*no reaction to his touch (he'll likely see this as a "need more information")

Negative repsonses:
*giving him a strange look like "why did you just touch me"
*going out of your way to avoid him (looking like you don't want to touch him again)
*leaving class in a hurry without showing any interest in talking to him. If you're too shy to strike up conversation after class, then at the very least make sure that you cross paths with him (and hopefully a somewhat inviting smile) so that he at least has a chance to say something to you. If you just leave class really fast and give him no chance, he's going to reason that you don't even think twice about him - you just go to class and leave without giving him a 2nd thought.


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## yitznewton (Jul 28, 2011)

Eleventeenth said:


> Yes, we can be pretty unaware of our surroundings (very low Se), but when it comes to touch, I'm very aware of who I create contact with. I avoid it unless want it. I go out of my way to not touch people. Personal space is very important to me.
> [...]
> Neutral responses:
> *no reaction to his touch (he'll likely see this as a "need more information")


I'm extremely aware of touch. Can't stand random touching, but welcome touch is very welcome. Including a tendency to invest it with [too] much meaning.

[edit: and similarly, I would never touch a person unless I want to expressly convey intimacy.]

Your second quoted sentence reminded me of when I was pursuing a presumed INTP girl. We were at a swing dance, and she came over to me, who was sitting down. I reached up for her to pull me up, and gave her hand a squeeze. I got no response at all. (Turns out I think I had overloaded her with sending her interest signals, none of which she responded to clearly. I've learned, tread lightly with the INTP! unless s/he has given some obvious sign.)


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## Chrysantheist (Jul 1, 2011)

I'm very aware of physical boundaries and space, but I use that to my advantage! I just figure out who is touchy-feely and who is not. People who like it, I'll be more affectionate with - hugs, mainly, but sometimes I use comforting touches or flirty touches. People who are not, I keep something of a distance and behave affectionately through other ways, like compliments or gifts, or through eye contact. 

Personally, I'm not very physically affectionate by nature. I much prefer conversation and subtle gestures. I used to be really awkward about giving/receiving hugs but I got over it. I think this probably varies more by I/E than any of the other letters. My extroverted friends are much more physical.


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## Penemue (Feb 23, 2010)

I don't know what that has to do with MBTI, but i'll answer anyway.

I don't like people touching me. Unless it's in an affectionate manner or by a _very _close friend i just don't like it, i'm very protective of my personal space mentally and emotionally and that manifests itself physically too. Even my Mum doesn't hug me, we just high five eachother, and i only hug my Dad because it'll cause more bother/stress not to. Only one of my friends touches me and he's a very old friend and we both have a lot of mutual affection for another so i actually welcome his hugs, but my other friends know i don't like it. One person came up to me and hugged me just to see the look of embarrasment/pained expression on my face and i went bat shit crazy and stormed off on the verge of tears. I don't know why it's such a big deal, but it almost hurts a lot of the time, my chest starts to ache and i get a really bad headache instantly followed by symptoms of anxiety.

I can't stand casual touching, or family get togethers where we're expected to hug and air kiss eachother. Most of my relatives know just to handshake me or give me a friendly nod and we have our little ways of showing mutual affection, but there's still a few that try to hug/air kiss me and i have to explain that i don't mean to cause any offence but that makes me extremely unfomfortable. (Which is a pain when the French relatives come over and expect you to kiss the 3 times and the start and end of every conversation )


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## bengalcat (Dec 8, 2010)

Eleventeenth said:


> That said, if I want contact with someone, I become the polar opposite of this. I become very, very warm to the point that I welcome your touch and I'll offer my touch very easily as well. That leads me to believe that this guy purposely wants to make contact. It could be a way of saying, "Hey good lookin'!" (he's sort of into you), although I can't read his mind obviously. Maybe it is incidental. But, if he's INTP and he's trying and putting forth that kind of effort, you'll want to respond either positively or at least neutrally. If you show even the slightest sign that you don't want the contact or that it makes you uncomfortable, he'll likely never do it again and his "pursuit" of you would very likely be shut down in an instant. It sounds like he might be trying to gauge your interest by your reaction. And his next step will be determined by how positive or negative your response is.
> 
> Positive responses:
> *smile at him when he does it
> ...


Heh. I've done pretty badly if it is true that he has been trying to gauge my interest by my reaction.

Response to touch is firmly neutral. I don't look horrified or flinch or move away but I don't positively affirm it either. And.... it's sort of my "thing" to run out after the end of tutes. I just don't like hanging around before or after class, I like to arrive at starting time and leave as soon as it's over. I'm not a fan of middling bits of 10 minutes here and there where you're in a sort of limbo. He actually did once rush after me after one of my rushing outs, we happened to both be heading to the library to return/borrow books. 

I'm still not entirely sure though, he brushed me again today but that seemed more like a lack of awareness. 

I think at the very least he has been expressing an interest in being friends. I haven't responded terribly well I think because I'm a bit surprised he wants to be friends. 

To the people who say it may not be type-related, you may be right, but I won't really know for sure without hearing back from people and gauging things from there.


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## bengalcat (Dec 8, 2010)

PenemueINTJ said:


> I don't know what that has to do with MBTI, but i'll answer anyway.
> 
> I don't like people touching me. Unless it's in an affectionate manner or by a _very _close friend i just don't like it, i'm very protective of my personal space mentally and emotionally and that manifests itself physically too. Even my Mum doesn't hug me, we just high five eachother, and i only hug my Dad because it'll cause more bother/stress not to. Only one of my friends touches me and he's a very old friend and we both have a lot of mutual affection for another so i actually welcome his hugs, but my other friends know i don't like it. One person came up to me and hugged me just to see the look of embarrasment/pained expression on my face and i went bat shit crazy and stormed off on the verge of tears. I don't know why it's such a big deal, but it almost hurts a lot of the time, my chest starts to ache and i get a really bad headache instantly followed by symptoms of anxiety.
> 
> I can't stand casual touching, or family get togethers where we're expected to hug and air kiss eachother. Most of my relatives know just to handshake me or give me a friendly nod and we have our little ways of showing mutual affection, but there's still a few that try to hug/air kiss me and i have to explain that i don't mean to cause any offence but that makes me extremely unfomfortable. (Which is a pain when the French relatives come over and expect you to kiss the 3 times and the start and end of every conversation )


I enjoyed hearing about the high fiving


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## absentminded (Dec 3, 2010)

I avoid physical contact and I'm an INTP.


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## Jennywocky (Aug 7, 2009)

bengalcat said:


> What are xNTPs like when it comes to maintenance of their physical boundaries and cautiousness with other people's boundaries?
> 
> As an INFJ (and I think this is INFJ-related) I am very very careful with physical boundaries and things like touch. I kind of go out of my way to make sure that I don't make anyone feel uncomfortable through random, potentially unwanted physical contact.
> 
> ...


Well, it might not just be type working here, it's also something people do when they're on the scene and trying to make a connection with someone they are interested in.

But I would think typically extroverts will end up being more touchy/contact-oriented than introverts, and probably more feelers than thinkers (not due to emotions, but due to the personal engagement vs impersonal detachment).

The "brush by" is kind of like the "shark nibble" of dating -- people find an excuse to "innocently" touch someone, so that it could go either way, and they hope either the person will taste good (i.e., they'll respond positively and return the gesture in some way) or that the person won't taste good and then they can move on (i.e., the person reacts negatively or pulls back to avoid further contact). But it's a tentative cue in that you can save face without having to put yourself out there, in case the person is not into you.

I typically kept a very hard physical wall up when younger, I did not like people unwarrantedly breaking my body space, especially if I didn't see it coming, and even with hugs and things I felt awkward. I was also very invested in my cerebral and intuitive nature, so I kind of avoided/ignored anything to do with my body. Over time, though, I actually have branched out and enjoy exploring life in my body, so I don't mind as much having my space violated; and in a relationship nowadays I can be a lot more physical than I was when younger. With my closest female friends, nowadays (not when younger but now) we can sit against each other watching a movie, or bump knee to knee when sitting and talking, and I don't feel intruded upon. Still, otherwise, I'm careful when I allow myself to touch others; and I find I can "get weird" or seize up when a close friend goes to hug me out of the blue... it's like I don't even know what to do, even if I like the hug. 

So I'm saying individual differences, age, home environment (a touchy-feely family vs a very non-touchy family), etc., can make a difference in how you need to read someone else's cues.

Eleventeenth gave some great examples of cues you can return, depending on what you actually feel and want. If you're giving off some of those cues and he does not tailor his behavior accordingly, then either he was cluelessly touching you, or he's really bad at reading cues. But if there was intent there, he should pick up on whatever cues you return.



bengalcat said:


> Heh. I've done pretty badly if it is true that he has been trying to gauge my interest by my reaction.
> 
> Response to touch is firmly neutral. I don't look horrified or flinch or move away but I don't positively affirm it either. And.... it's sort of my "thing" to run out after the end of tutes. I just don't like hanging around before or after class, I like to arrive at starting time and leave as soon as it's over. I'm not a fan of middling bits of 10 minutes here and there where you're in a sort of limbo. He actually did once rush after me after one of my rushing outs, we happened to both be heading to the library to return/borrow books.
> 
> ...


Well, there is that at least.

And hey, while it's good to assess potential friends, good ones can be hard to come by. Don't sell yourself short. I know sometimes I wonder why the hell someone would even like me, I just feel so... average or bland (honestly!)... and these intangible emotional connections make no sense to me if I try to analyze them. I've just learned to accept someone's goodwill/interest in me at face value, if I can sense it's genuine.



absentminded said:


> I avoid physical contact and I'm an INTP.


!!! Ticklefest !!!


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## Chaotic_Stupid (Jun 15, 2011)

Ughh....no.

I am not a touchy-feely person.

Physical contact is awkward. 

I am not a fan of hugs. I DO give out hugs when asked. I DO NOT enjoy them.

If I REALLY like someone, I will be completely fine with physical contact. As long as they don't need it constantly. In the past I've had friends who always asked for hugs. That sucked.


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## Scarecrow793 (May 8, 2011)

I hate hugs/ handshakes, etc. The only person I ever want to hug is my girlfriend, and even that gets old for me after a while. And again, I'm starting to doubt my ENTP status (possibly infj even), so who knows.


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## possiBri (Jan 4, 2011)

I love giving hugs and I'm good at giving them, but I have no idea how to initiate them. When I was younger it was a lot easier... and I would hug people often, but as I've gotten older it seems I'm not around people who like hugging as much -- or I give off some vibe that I don't like hugging. I think how I was raised had a lot to do with it, and I think my Enneagram instinctual subtype stacking, SX/SO, also plays a part in it. Also, now when I give hugs I tend to be more awkward and almost always step on the other person's foot... so I don't know if lack of contact will perpetuate awkwardness, but it feels that way for me.

Good luck =]


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## Black Hole (Jun 9, 2011)

I hate being touched. Nobody touches me because of this demand. Also, my parents are going to be putting me into therapy soon for this, because apparently normal people love it.


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## bengalcat (Dec 8, 2010)

Okay, so an update. I asked him out for a coffee and from his response to the invite and from what he was like as we were chatting over coffee (uninhibited in speech, body language, and not seeming concerned about the time running on) I'm pretty certain that he is attracted. Having a bit more information about him now I think that the physical contact was in fact "shark nibbling" as @Jennywocky and @Eleventeenth suggested. It's interesting because he's somehow bold while being subtle, and anxious while being confident? 

I am positive he is xNTP. I guess one of the things that makes me think not ENTP is that from my experience of ENTPs they have no troubles making their intentions clear and just going for you, it's quite overwhelming. 

This has been a very interesting experience, in seeing that it took just one move by me to flip the switch and reveal things. I'm not used to it being quite that easy. 

Oh I wanted to thank you Jennywocky for what you said about not selling ourselves short. You're right that we should just appreciate and return the goodwill, rather than second guess whether they really meant it or whether we really merit it.


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## possiBri (Jan 4, 2011)

bengalcat said:


> I am positive he is xNTP. I guess one of the things that makes me think not ENTP is that from my experience of ENTPs they have no troubles making their intentions clear and just going for you, it's quite overwhelming.


ENTP 7w6 Sx/So here, and I can tell you that I have a very hard time expressing interest. I may be an exception to the rule, but I think it might have to do with my Enneagram stuff as well as my own personal experiences. This isn't to say I'm shy, but I'm kinda inept at picking up on someone's interest in me and I constantly feel like I'm reading into things. Plus, I have a hard time expressing myself, and I think I have a lack of awareness of my body language and I give off signals I don't mean to.

/2¢


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## Eleventeenth (Aug 24, 2011)

bengalcat said:


> Okay, so an update. I asked him out for a coffee and from his response to the invite and from what he was like as we were chatting over coffee (uninhibited in speech, body language, and not seeming concerned about the time running on) I'm pretty certain that he is attracted. Having a bit more information about him now I think that the physical contact was in fact "shark nibbling" as @_Jennywocky_ and @_Eleventeenth_ suggested. It's interesting because he's somehow bold while being subtle, and anxious while being confident?
> 
> I am positive he is xNTP. I guess one of the things that makes me think not ENTP is that from my experience of ENTPs they have no troubles making their intentions clear and just going for you, it's quite overwhelming.
> 
> ...


You guys are falling in lurve.


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## yitznewton (Jul 28, 2011)

bengalcat said:


> It's interesting because he's somehow bold while being subtle, and anxious while being confident?


Oh, heck yeah. That would totally describe the "moves" (ugh) I made on the girl I made moves on.



bengalcat said:


> I am positive he is xNTP. I guess one of the things that makes me think not ENTP is that from my experience of ENTPs they have no troubles making their intentions clear and just going for you, it's quite overwhelming.


By "just going for you," do you mean super-direct? I would never do that; but the one time I really pursued a girl hard, I was direct in the subtle way you describe above. I didn't _say_, "I want to go out with you," but I made it amply clear in other ways. I was trying to find nonverbal ways of conveying my feelings, which were, "I want to bond with you so badly. I think the world of you. I think we understand each other. People's ideas of M-F relationships are stupid, let's just be most intimate companions and share ourselves with each other in the deepest ways."


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## bengalcat (Dec 8, 2010)

yitznewton said:


> By "just going for you," do you mean super-direct?


Yes, emphasis on the SUPER. Like outright saying that I was amazing and special and he was crazy about me and he would wait however long it took (we didn't know each other well, but he was always pushing for me to return his affections ASAP while claiming to be understanding of my hesitation, this being the case with the 2 who have come in pursuit) and he wanted to be with me forever and "Look here's this picture of you that I have photoshopped to look psychadelic but look don't you see how it pays homage to you?" Going on about how in sync we are, inviting me over at the drop of a hat, "I'm making the richest chocolate cake in the world! Come over!"

....... 

Yeah with this xNTP guy I feel like I can feel his intentions quite clearly, but he hasn't paid me any direct compliments or talked about wanting to get to know me better or spending time together. Well, feel them clearly in terms of him being interested, not so clearly in terms of whether he's mainly just horny or whether he likes the experience of me as whole. But it's funny because... it was just so obvious from his energy, mannerisms, behaviour, and the fact that he put a bit of extra effort into his appearance that he was in "courting" mode. It felt very bold to me in the way that it was such a big difference from what our in-tutorial interactions are like. It also felt bold because it felt like a fair bit of energy to put forward for someone who's quite an unknown quantity still. 

Bold also because come today we were both awkward to each other in our tute. The joys of being INxx 



> "People's ideas of M-F relationships are stupid, let's just be most intimate companions and share ourselves with each other in the deepest ways."


This is such a sweet sentiment. I hope one day someone hears it through whatever modality.


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## yitznewton (Jul 28, 2011)

bengalcat said:


> Yes, emphasis on the SUPER. Like outright saying that I was amazing and special and he was crazy about me and he would wait however long it took (we didn't know each other well, but he was always pushing for me to return his affections ASAP while claiming to be understanding of my hesitation, this being the case with the 2 who have come in pursuit) and he wanted to be with me forever and "Look here's this picture of you that I have photoshopped to look psychadelic but look don't you see how it pays homage to you?"


Whhoooaa, no I wouldn't do that. Actually I tried to say exactly that, "return my affections ASAP," but nonverbally and indirectly. After a few weeks of this, where she still hadn't made any apparent response, we were sitting on a park bench. I was looking for words, and I managed to say, haltingly, "I think you're great." She responded, "I want to sink into the ground" or something almost identical. Not in a sarcastic way; totally straight, like, "I totally can't handle this, and I want it to stop."


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