# Am I too old/prude?



## starri (Jan 23, 2009)

So I am a 24 yr old ENFP, who for the longest part of my existence have been taking pride in my open mind. Suddenly it's not the case.

The other day I was on tumblr and was struck by the enormity of *James Deen* fans, to discover that the dude in the pics is in fact a porn star. Upon digging deeper, turns out he has a personal blog where he interacts with fans and describes his career/life. Then you find the cute girls on tumblr (I assume their cute because most of their posts make it look like they are 13 or smth) who make cutesy James Deen memes and GIFs claiming him to be their hero, and declaring other porn stars to be their role models.

Now my horror and shock at this might not be understandable for most of you. I myself am wondering whether this is a side effect of my pregnancy? Why am I suddenly so terrified of bringing a kid into this world.. maybe because I fear we will have a serious lack of communication..

Are these fears shared among others parents here?


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## StElmosDream (May 26, 2012)

It is perfectly understandable; for quite a while I have been feeling that many children lack suitable role models, making them feel more inclined to accept representations of equality or carefree figures in the media, which sadly seems to be shaping the public's world views in place of parenting absences or moral judgements where many things are becoming either too PC or 'sexualised' since the advent of the internet when people rarely wish to see behind the veil to find true flaws. 

To be honest I have been noticing a cultural shift in celebrity or TV values for the last 10 years (I'm only a year older, lol), in the UK at least where superficial 'celebrities' are given fame and less is heard about their positive aspects outside of 'gossip magazines' ; at times seems to be very little desire to look for local role models (e.g. teachers, neighbours, employers, family) or a lower sense of ambition (in some, not all) where modern generations may seek the jet set lifestyle at any cost.

*Old soul cynical rant over, operations resume as normal Xd*


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## Cetanu (Jan 20, 2012)

Yeah, kids these days have sex at 12-13 maybe younger. They also do things like take hard drugs like methamphetamine.

Why do I know this? I know people who grew up that way.

What can be done about it? I don't know. I'm sorry.


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## LotusBlossom (Apr 2, 2011)

I really fail to a see a problem with that.


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## Eerie (Feb 9, 2011)

starri said:


> So I am a 24 yr old ENFP, who for the longest part of my existence have been taking pride in my open mind. Suddenly it's not the case.
> 
> The other day I was on tumblr and was struck by the enormity of *James Deen* fans, to discover that the dude in the pics is in fact a porn star. Upon digging deeper, turns out he has a personal blog where he interacts with fans and describes his career/life. Then you find the cute girls on tumblr (I assume their cute because most of their posts make it look like they are 13 or smth) who make cutesy James Deen memes and GIFs claiming him to be their hero, and declaring other porn stars to be their role models.
> 
> ...


I don't think it has anything to do with your age, or that you are a prude. I find it disturbing in general to have a porn star be one's role model. Made even more disturbing when it's children. Kind of makes me wonder where the parents are in these situations. I have a six year old daughter, and I know as much as I want to I cannot really shield her from crap like this, but I can be there to educate her and to guide her as best as I can. I think that keeping communication open between child and parent is incredibly important. I also think that there are a lot of overly permissive parents who try too hard to be their child's best friends instead of being a parent, and a role model.


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## SilentScream (Mar 31, 2011)

Something like this would bother me as well - but not too much so. I probably would focus more time in keeping my kids busy/distracted by more important things. I think what lacks sometimes is purpose/objective in life which results in all this wasted time.

There has to be some sort of balance between nurturing/mentoring kids with a bit of an iron fist versus freedom. 

There's a lot of things that can be controlled and that fall in the domain of parents, and one of the things that we can control as people is what sort of values we inculcate in our children. They don't learn as much from the environment as they do from parents. We can't protect them from every evil, but we can educate them with broader perspectives and answer all their questions openly. 

I mean, if my kid at the age of 13-14 comes up to me and shows me a pic of a pornstar he/she found on the internet [which probably won't happen, so let's say I find it on their computer], I'd probably smirk and tell him/her who it is, what they do, what they're doing means in the grand scheme of society [both good and bad] - and take it from there. Everything is discussable. Nothing should be left unanswered in the mind of the child - but nothing should be forced upon them either [until and unless it's something that's for their own good - like getting good grades - they better get good grades - and participating in healthy extra curricular activities]. 

If I find that there are kinks in their development which could result in the misuse of the internet [or them getting misused by others - which is also a possibility], then I'd focus on teaching/mentoring them more and getting them to mature more quickly.


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## starri (Jan 23, 2009)

StElmosDream said:


> It is perfectly understandable; for quite a while I have been feeling that many children lack suitable role models, making them feel more inclined to accept representations of equality or carefree figures in the media, which sadly seems to be shaping the public's world views in place of parenting absences or moral judgements where many things are becoming either too PC or 'sexualised' since the advent of the internet when people rarely wish to see behind the veil to find true flaws.
> 
> To be honest I have been noticing a cultural shift in celebrity or TV values for the last 10 years (I'm only a year older, lol), in the UK at least where superficial 'celebrities' are given fame and less is heard about their positive aspects outside of 'gossip magazines' ; at times seems to be very little desire to look for local role models (e.g. teachers, neighbours, employers, family) or a lower sense of ambition (in some, not all) where modern generations may seek the jet set lifestyle at any cost.
> 
> *Old soul cynical rant over, operations resume as normal Xd*


I quite enjoyed your take on it. 



Cetanu said:


> Yeah, kids these days have sex at 12-13 maybe younger. They also do things like take hard drugs like methamphetamine.
> 
> Why do I know this? I know people who grew up that way.
> 
> What can be done about it? I don't know. I'm sorry.


Surely meth isn't the norm 



Kayness said:


> I really fail to a see a problem with that.


May I ask about how old you are?



Eerie said:


> I don't think it has anything to do with your age, or that you are a prude. I find it disturbing in general to have a porn star be one's role model. Made even more disturbing when it's children. Kind of makes me wonder where the parents are in these situations. I have a six year old daughter, and I know as much as I want to I cannot really shield her from crap like this, but I can be there to educate her and to guide her as best as I can. I think that keeping communication open between child and parent is incredibly important. I also think that there are a lot of overly permissive parents who try too hard to be their child's best friends instead of being a parent, and a role model.


I had a theory that they might be doing it to get back at their parents for being overly protective. I seriously must read more into child psychology.



Jawz said:


> Something like this would bother me as well - but not too much so. I probably would focus more time in keeping my kids busy/distracted by more important things. I think what lacks sometimes is purpose/objective in life which results in all this wasted time.
> 
> There has to be some sort of balance between nurturing/mentoring kids with a bit of an iron fist versus freedom.
> 
> ...


I like your rationalization, and your solution would seem to be effective. 


I am just worried that with the quality of peers available nowadays, it's no telling what a kid would do to fit in. Not to mention what the generation would be like when my kid is in their teens! *freaking out*


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## Eerie (Feb 9, 2011)

^ I think that there is a difference between overly protective and overly permissive. Being one or the other is never a good thing. But there are certainly children near me where parents don't give two shits where they end up in life, or what they do during the day. 

There is a 14 year old on my street. She's pregnant with her second child. Her mother encourages this. That's sort of beyond me. My mother was the opposite though, very very over protective. And while I didn't lash out in my early teens, I did when I first moved out on my own. So I can see where you are coming from with that.


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## Promethea (Aug 24, 2009)

One of my sociology professors was talking about his struggles as a parent. He was of course very aware of cultural values, and he didn't want his children to grow up being superficial and oversexualized by the filth offered in media, but he was also afraid of sheltering them too much and having them grow up odd and treated like outcasts.

Maybe parents can focus on teaching their children to look at media objectively. That way they aren't completely cut off from whats going on, but not brainwashed by it like many others either.


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## bellisaurius (Jan 18, 2012)

Thirteen year olds masturbate. They've been doing it for some while. I agree it's odd to see it publically, but I was swapping magazines with buddies at about the same age, so the basic idea applies.

That said, pregnancy will get you going on this more emotionally than you might be used to. Even if you were open minded, it'd be hard to not want to scold a 13 year old from dealing porn with other adults.


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## PyrLove (Jun 6, 2010)

Yes, it bothers me, too -- not so much the sexuality but the idolizing of it. Sex is supposed to be something intimate and special shared with someone you care about (at least until you're old enough to understand, really understand, the consequences of one nighters). Our culture is far too sexed up; we're fascinated by it but also repelled by it. It's taboo and that is what makes it so alluring. Either eliminate it from our public conscience or stop viewing it the same way the Puritans did.

All the suggestions offered here for raising a balanced child of mentoring, teaching, discussing, monitoring, etc are really the best you can do. Far better than strict over-protectiveness. I suggest you also remember what you were doing, seeing, thinking, feeling, watching, and reading at 13. For myself, while I was innocent I was hardly naive. That helped me put my daughter's questions in perspective.
@starri, you're kid will be fine. The fact that you're already thinking about this stuff tells me you're on the right track. As far as friends/peers go, there will be plenty of bad ones but there will also be plenty of good ones. By the time your child reaches his/her teen years, you'll have taught them how to spot the bad ones and befriend the good ones. You won't even have to think about, you just will. I remember having conversations with my daughter (now nearly 16yo) about who was always in trouble and who she was usually with when she got into trouble. Didn't take much to convince her that so-and-so was not a good friend.


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## Laney (Feb 20, 2012)

No you aren't too old or too prude  You are overwhelmed with love for your child and want to make sure he/she grows up in the best environment. You're in the same boat with the rest of the parents that care about their children.


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## firedell (Aug 5, 2009)

Hmm, I agree and also see the craziness that is fandom. Though to be honest, I have no idea why you could be crazy over a porn star. Since when were they celebrities? I thought only very rich girls who made porn tapes became famous?


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## WolfStar (Aug 18, 2009)

starri said:


> So I am a 24 yr old ENFP, who for the longest part of my existence have been taking pride in my open mind. Suddenly it's not the case.
> 
> The other day I was on tumblr and was struck by the enormity of *James Deen* fans, to discover that the dude in the pics is in fact a porn star. Upon digging deeper, turns out he has a personal blog where he interacts with fans and describes his career/life. Then you find the cute girls on tumblr (I assume their cute because most of their posts make it look like they are 13 or smth) who make cutesy James Deen memes and GIFs claiming him to be their hero, and declaring other porn stars to be their role models.
> 
> ...


I dunno. On the one hand I'm finally finding acceptance of those who share their body with others in order to gain self esteem and be comfortable in their own skin. On the other I think people who have sex with others for money are just crude. But then again, I'm letting my mind get raped for ideas by my university, so who am I to speak.


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## starri (Jan 23, 2009)

Eerie said:


> ^ I think that there is a difference between overly protective and overly permissive. Being one or the other is never a good thing. But there are certainly children near me where parents don't give two shits where they end up in life, or what they do during the day.
> 
> There is a 14 year old on my street. She's pregnant with her second child. Her mother encourages this. That's sort of beyond me. My mother was the opposite though, very very over protective. And while I didn't lash out in my early teens, I did when I first moved out on my own. So I can see where you are coming from with that.


14 and pregnant? and her mother is ok? that's the stuff my nightmares are made of at the moment  speaking from a personal perspective as my parents were over protective, I would definitely do things that drove them crazy or insane if they found out. But I do remember that I had certain limits/boundaries. Those limits came from both society, friends, TV, etc. Nowadays I don't think my children would find the same sources to be any help when finding these boundaries. 



Promethea said:


> One of my sociology professors was talking about his struggles as a parent. He was of course very aware of cultural values, and he didn't want his children to grow up being superficial and oversexualized by the filth offered in media, but he was also afraid of sheltering them too much and having them grow up odd and treated like outcasts.
> 
> Maybe parents can focus on teaching their children to look at media objectively. That way they aren't completely cut off from whats going on, but not brainwashed by it like many others either.


Seconded. If only it was easy done like said 



bellisaurius said:


> Thirteen year olds masturbate. They've been doing it for some while. I agree it's odd to see it publically, but I was swapping magazines with buddies at about the same age, so the basic idea applies.
> 
> That said, pregnancy will get you going on this more emotionally than you might be used to. Even if you were open minded, it'd be hard to not want to scold a 13 year old from dealing porn with other adults.


True. I think being an enneagram 6 is playing into it a little bit as well.



ChanceyRose said:


> Yes, it bothers me, too -- *not so much the sexuality but the idolizing of it*. Sex is supposed to be something intimate and special shared with someone you care about (at least until you're old enough to understand, really understand, the consequences of one nighters).





firedell said:


> Hmm, I agree and also see the craziness that is fandom. Though to be honest, I have no idea why you could be crazy over a porn star. Since when were they celebrities? I thought only very rich girls who made porn tapes became famous?


THIS. Not only is it the amount of the sex, the age or anything like that. It's the *fascination* with someone who should be (and I say should in a subjective manner, referring to my generation, upbringing..etc) as someone who is a tad bit sinful and a little disgraceful. I remember my grandmother talking the same way about actors and musicians. How *low class and common* they are. How she would never allow a family member to do that. Now the generations have changed enough to *I want to be a pornstar when I grow up!* Pictures all over the internet of this porn star just hanging with his buddies, or getting on a plane. I can't believe how he became a celebrity through something like porn. Let alone the fact that in my time, only guys watched it.



ChanceyRose said:


> Our culture is far too sexed up; we're fascinated by it but also repelled by it. It's taboo and that is what makes it so alluring. Either eliminate it from our public conscience or stop viewing it the same way the Puritans did.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Your post was very re-assuring. Thank you once more.



Laney said:


> No you aren't too old or too prude  You are overwhelmed with love for your child and want to make sure he/she grows up in the best environment. You're in the same boat with the rest of the parents that care about their children.


It's weird and overwhelming 



WolfStar said:


> I dunno. On the one hand I'm finally finding acceptance of those who share their body with others in order to gain self esteem and be comfortable in their own skin. On the other I think people who have sex with others for money are just crude. But then again, I'm letting my mind get raped for ideas by my university, so who am I to speak.


So what are you studying?


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## WolfStar (Aug 18, 2009)

starri said:


> So what are you studying?


Electrical engineering. I'm in a fellowship so I had to sign a thing for my university. Anything I come up with becomes theirs.


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## Drewbie (Apr 28, 2010)

Kayness said:


> I really fail to a see a problem with that.


The problem I see is that, from what I've read about James Deen, he's a misogynistic asswipe that gets away with it because he enjoys giving women orgasms. I think it paints a pretty sad and vivid picture that girls and women are so unused to examples in media of men caring about a woman's sexual experience that they are willing to forgive or ignore blatant acts of misogyny.


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## LotusBlossom (Apr 2, 2011)

Fitz Cabbage said:


> The problem I see is that, from what I've read about James Deen, he's a misogynistic asswipe that gets away with it because he enjoys giving women orgasms. I think it paints a pretty sad and vivid picture that girls and women are so unused to examples in media of men caring about a woman's sexual experience that they are willing to forgive or ignore blatant acts of misogyny.


eep. Well I didn't know that. I thought he gained famed because he's this rare young and 'attractive' male porn star in the heterosexual porn industry, which is dominated by...uh, 'ugly' men. And his blog is kinda fun to read (I only read it once though so..)


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## Shazzette (May 26, 2012)

starri said:


> So I am a 24 yr old ENFP, who for the longest part of my existence have been taking pride in my open mind. Suddenly it's not the case.
> 
> The other day I was on tumblr and was struck by the enormity of *James Deen* fans, to discover that the dude in the pics is in fact a porn star. Upon digging deeper, turns out he has a personal blog where he interacts with fans and describes his career/life. Then you find the cute girls on tumblr (I assume their cute because most of their posts make it look like they are 13 or smth) who make cutesy James Deen memes and GIFs claiming him to be their hero, and declaring other porn stars to be their role models.
> 
> ...


That's the internet for you.

We live in a day and age where porn is freely available on the internet. Porn stars are regarded as desirable and their acts as heroic. Once the fodder of gentleman's magazines and films that were watched behind closed doors, any kind of porn that you please is available online.

It's also worth noting that people lie and use the internet to act out a fantasy life. I'm willing to bet that many of those girls aren't posting their pictures on their account and none of them are wannabe porn stars in real life. In fact, there's good odds that some of those girls are much older, or even men, playing out a sick fantasy.

But here's an idea. Just because these things exist, doesn't mean that you have to look at it. As a parent, you have the chance to educate your child to make informed choices about the company that they keep and the sites they visit when he or she is old enough.


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## Drewbie (Apr 28, 2010)

Kayness said:


> eep. Well I didn't know that. I thought he gained famed because he's this rare young and 'attractive' male porn star in the heterosexual porn industry, which is dominated by...uh, 'ugly' men. And his blog is kinda fun to read (I only read it once though so..)


Oh, yeah. He's attractive and he makes good porn, but that doesn't make him a good role model. I haven't looked through his blog but I've seen some pretty disgusting things come from his twitter account.


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