# Men without a mother figure



## googoodoll

It really depends on why she's absent... if she left him or committed suicide than i can see how the child (boy) might grow resentment towards women... but if she died unwillingly (childbirth, illness or an accident), then not so much.


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## StElmosDream

Something that sometimes seems unclear with physically or emotionally absent parents is how some people become healthier people by later life while others experience a poor sense of self identity, instead seeking short term gratifications to add meaning to their own lives.

Growing up with 2 emotionally distant half interested parents (and a biological Father I have maybe seen 3 times vaguely) and relatives that cared more about their own lives, with the belief that children are supposed to 'not create or bring problems to their lives' as the classic role reversal of elders come before offspring mentally and emotionally. Some might suggest I should be disdainful of women or 'manly men' but in reality over time I began to find exceptions to the rule in education settings, neighbours and therapy suggesting that wider participations in life can at times undo whatever harms or negative influences others may model.

Instead realising what I sought-seek is healthier minded people, ironically relating better to emotionally mature women than males so often seeming to take longer to figure out whom they actually are versus 'the person they should be for others.'


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## niss

StElmosDream said:


> Something that sometimes seems unclear with physically or emotionally absent parents is how some people become healthier people by later life while others experience a poor sense of self identity, instead seeking short term gratifications to add meaning to their own lives.
> 
> Growing up with 2 emotionally distant half interested parents (and a biological Father I have maybe seen 3 times vaguely) and relatives that cared more about their own lives, with the belief that children are supposed to 'not create or bring problems to their lives' as the classic role reversal of elders come before offspring mentally and emotionally. Some might suggest I should be disdainful of women or 'manly men' but in reality over time I began to find exceptions to the rule in education settings, neighbours and therapy suggesting that wider participations in life can at times undo whatever harms or negative influences others may model.
> 
> Instead realising what I sought-seek is healthier minded people, ironically relating better to emotionally mature women than males so often seeming to take longer to figure out whom they actually are versus 'the person they should be for others.'


This thread is a heart breaker. I feel for those expressing their pain.

And that is what drives your point about some doing well and others that don't. 

The trauma inflicted by the loss, absence, indifference, or abuse of/by a parent - of either sex - on a child, is profound. At some level, people learn to cope with this loss. This results in a large army of walking wounded that will pass on the results of their trauma to their kids - unintentionally, to be sure, but still damaging to the children. Some will learn to mask their pain so well that few of their friends and acquaintances will know of their trauma. A very few will actually work through the issues and reach their relational potential.

We must learn to confront our pain and work through the issues in order to reach our potential.


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## StElmosDream

niss said:


> This thread is a heart breaker. I feel for those expressing their pain.
> 
> And that is what drives your point about some doing well and others that don't.
> 
> The trauma inflicted by the loss, absence, indifference, or abuse of/by a parent - of either sex - on a child, is profound. At some level, people learn to cope with this loss. This results in a large army of walking wounded that will pass on the results of their trauma to their kids - unintentionally, to be sure, but still damaging to the children. Some will learn to mask their pain so well that few of their friends and acquaintances will know of their trauma. A very few will actually work through the issues and reach their relational potential.
> 
> We must learn to confront our pain and work through the issues in order to reach our potential.


So true when I can literally observe 3 generations of people on my Mothers side that never confronted this postnatal (some suggest primal) loss, living this way for many years myself when some truths were almost unfaceable... seemingly society encourages males to bury this more while attributing this to gender behaviours and domains, as if very traditional girls and women were supposed to be needy, emotional and much more imperfect in a relationship while males were stoic 'broken but unspoken' providers only.


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## PuFFKB

I grew up with a mother and father who didn't love me so I looked for something someone to fill that place. To be honest I'm looking for a mother figure in my life. but I'm not clingy or seeking attention from women I actually have a phobia of women.


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