# ISFP - Awareness of other's emotions



## armoorefam (Feb 15, 2012)

I am hoping for some advice to help an ISFP (I feel this is her type though she has tested as INFJ - INFJs feel free to chime in). I am hoping to help my daughter see her MIL's emotions in light of type.

My daughter, her husband, and their two year old are living with her in-laws (he went back to get a higher degree since the job market is really tight). Her mother-in-law is a strong ESFJ and tends to want to 'fix' her. Her MIL's practical SFJ's nature and solid confidence in the 'right way' and mothering instinct is there but doesn't understand the creative and freedom/space needs of my daughter nor her need to start building up her own confidence in being a young mom. Both are really trying to do what they feel is right and I do see clearly that her MIL loves her and is concerned for her, but it is really straining my daughter to the point of feeling she is an incompetent mother and is sinking into depression. They don't have too much longer now. Her husband will graduate this spring, but I am starting to get a little concerned that my daughter isn't making it back up for a breath quite enough to keep her balance. She called me in tears yesterday and seemed desperate to know I am proud of her. That tells me her confidence is about rock bottom because she knows I am a tremendously proud of my beautiful and talented daughter who is doing a great job learning to be a mom.

My request is this:
As an ISFP, what would you need to do to make it a few more months and make it to the surface for needed breaths so you can get your balance back and maintain it for a bit longer? HOw can I help her see that her MIL loves her and is acting very natural to her type to help? I know what I would do as an INFP, but that may not be as well-fitted to what you all may be able to come up with.

A few details/complications - 

She doesn't drive and they don't have a spare car.

Finances are insanely tight.

My schedule will not allow for me to pick her up and get her out of the house much or take her or my grand daughter out for the day so my daughter can do something creative until June when my high time demand commitments wrap up.

Her daughter is not a sleeper and my daughter has gone on very little consistent sleep for a pretty long time and she has been dieting heavily which is adding a physical demand on her.

Her dear little 2-year old is quite stong-willed which can be a challenge even to an experienced mom. My strong willed one came later so I was able to get a little confidence and some basics learned on an easy first child. I am trying to imagine what I would have felt had child order been a bit different to try to advise without seeming like I am being advising since that is the tender spot at the moment.

Thanks for pitching in to help a fellow ISFP. I treasure your recommendations. :0)


----------



## ferroequinologist (Jul 27, 2012)

Quite frankly, she needs her husband to stand up for her against his mother, and to tell her to leave his wife to learn and grow without her help. Just because they are living with his parents doesn't give them a right to tell his wife how to be a mother (or wife). He needs to come between the two. I don't know his personality, but I had similar problems as an ISFP, and while it wasn't easy, I chose my wife (INTP, so it was easier for her) over my mother every time. But I can say that it was essential in setting my mom's boundaries. We have had to spend extended periods with my parents while traveling since, so this setting of boundaries on my part has born much positive fruit through the years. Frankly, this is on your daughter's husband's shoulders, and no, being busy as a student is NOT an excuse. It's his job. He married her, he chose to go back to school, and I presume he chose to live with his parents. He needs to be the one strengthening his wife's confidence, and taking her side. 

One other thing you can try to do is to sit down with his mother, and talk to her about backing off. The more she tries, the worse she will make it. She needs to know that. Good luck communicating this to these folks. You have my sympathies. 

As to dealing with the 2 yr old. One thing she needs to be--firm and consistent. Smother the child with loving embraces, kisses, etc. but be firm and don't waver or be inconsistent. Don't threaten when she doesn't intend to carry through, and always carry through on what she promises. Oh, and pick the battles. Don't pick the petty items to battle over, but the big ones--insubordination. If the child says "no" there ought to be firm, and consistent consequences. Our fourth is rather a live wire, and what has always worked best for her was sensory deprivation--time out. a chair at the table with nothing on it has been the best. Also, she really struggled at 2 with understanding that "no" meant no forever. We'd tell her to stop doing something, and she'd obey. But that evening or the next day, she'd be (for instance) pulling items out of the fridge again or whatever. A few times sitting went a long way in bringing that practice to an end. It's not always easy, but being consistent is the biggest key--and not making it emotional. The child needs to treat her mother's rules like she does the laws of nature. If you fall, you get hurt. If she says "no" she sits. That simple. A few times of this begins to teach her that her mother's rules are as real as gravity. How to tell your daughter this, I don't know. I doubt you want to tell her that you asked here. I know that, in her shoes, I would struggle against what my mom told me. Maybe say you ran across this advice on the internet, and thought it might help.  No. I take that back. My mom always tried to be "subtle", and I hated that. Just be up front with her, while also being gentle. Let her know how much you really feel for her in her situation. She is calling, primarily for moral support, but if you share lovingly, it should work--maybe ask her if this is what she's doing--she may already be doing this, and just needs help being strong. 

But as to her living situation, I would say that her husband and his mother need talking to. Good luck.


----------



## Thalassa (Jun 10, 2010)

ferroequinologist said:


> Quite frankly, she needs her husband to stand up for her against his mother


This.


----------

