# Is this girl bad for me?



## LostTheMarbles (Mar 4, 2012)

I met this girl recently, we’re just friends but we get as if we’ve known each other for ever, we bonded over shared ADHD/Anxiety issues but we’ve both got massive amounts of energy and could easily spend 8-9 hours talking just talking and throwing jokes back and forth. It really does make me happy when we’re together but later when I start getting my thoughts together it just leaves me with so many unanswered questions and worries.

I have self esteem and confidence issues, she knows it and does try and point me in the right direction but I’m worried that the way we interact maybe just makes things worse.



We’re always taking the piss out of each other, I don’t take offense to anything she says but I wonder if it’s just reinforcing my negative thought pattern?
We’re never serious around each other, we just assume everything’s a joke, I can’t tell what she’s really thinking.
I’m still scared of being seen as inappropriate by her (and women in general), but I can’t really push the boundaries and learn from her because it’s always taken as a joke. I’d like to try and move things forwards but it’s just not possible while we’re being silly.
We’re stuck to talking on Facebook, it’s too misjudge the way things are being said, I feel I need to be more cautious.
She has her own issues, sometimes I think it’s me that’s done something wrong when in fact it’s something she just hasn’t explained to me or she’s in a funny mood.
She’s not really flexible, she can be quite unreasonable with her feelings, I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t even try and change her mind.
She doesn’t fully trust any man, not even me (I’ve never wanted to ask why).


I don’t want to lose the comedic connection we have but to be honest I think it’s possibly the route of the problems and I’m too used to using it as a defense mechanism.

I was wondering if I should try changing the way I act for a while atleast until I can fix my confidence a bit.


Stop acting like the clown, maybe try being serious for a while, seeing how things go.
Stop using humor as a defense mechanism or to break tension between us.
Stop thinking I have to defend my own thoughts and actions
I feel I might be encouraging her to be awkward by trying to help her.

I really like this girl, I see so much potential in her, we could have a such a good life together, either as friends or in a relationship, she’s told me that she really likes me psychologically but there wasn't a romantic spark between us, I’d like to think she could help me with that but also kind of see it as her knocking me back. She’s after more self confidence in a guy, she always ends up chasing the bad guys and getting hurt before coming back to me to complain about it, maybe something else I need to put my foot down on.

My gut instinct right now is saying it’s all or nothing with her, I really don’t know what to do.

So, opinions please, how do I handle this girl?


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## AccioCookies (May 12, 2013)

I'm taking it that this issue has come up between you before? If she's said that there's no chemistry or no spark, I'd leave it at that. I don't think she's looking at you and viewing you as a romantic partner. She probably loves your sparring as much as you do. As far as the friendly insults and how it affects your confidence, does it bother you after the conversation is over and done with? Do you ever take any of it to heart? That much of it is for you to decide and you to decide alone. I will say, though, that anyone I trade insults with (even in jest) is not someone that I look to with romantic intentions. It just sets a negative stage.

She may genuinely see you as a really good friend. She might also view you as the fall-back guy. I think only she can answer that, but it sounds like she's already told you that she's not interested romantically? Even if she flowered or fluffed it up. There's something I used to hear all the time from my older relatives. And I'm sure they said it a lot better and in fewer words, but it went something like - if you want the truth from someone, just listen to what they're saying. We run everything that we see and hear through our own personalized filters, and that's alright. It may be best to decide what _you_ want from the relationship and whether or not you can handle 'just friends.'


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## Hurricane Matthew (Nov 9, 2012)

I don't think you should push the issue further about a romantic relationship... especially when she's made it clear she feels no spark. A romantic relationship is a 2-way street and both sides have to want it.

But also, I've learned the hard way that while connecting over mental disorders can be great for befriending people, it can ruin a friendship if you try to make it romantic. I connected with a friend of mine because we both had serious depression and were able to relate stories and understand each other. But over time, she developed feelings for me when I didn't develop that for her... and it ripped our friendship apart. It's nice to have a connection to someone over a struggle in life but I found it difficult to really "grow" around her, making things too steady state so there was a lack of improvement in our conditions. My friend was also inflexible and unreasonable with feelings... which only made things worse. We don't talk to each other anymore.

Good luck.


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## LostTheMarbles (Mar 4, 2012)

AccioCookies said:


> She probably loves your sparring as much as you do. As far as the friendly insults and how it affects your confidence, does it bother you after the conversation is over and done with? Do you ever take any of it to heart? That much of it is for you to decide and you to decide alone. I will say, though, that anyone I trade insults with (even in jest) is not someone that I look to with romantic intentions. It just sets a negative stage.


I don't take any of it serious and it doesn't bother me, I just wander if maybe I'm reinforcing the bad things I already see in myself.
I think it's that negative state I don't think is healthy and I'd like to break away from, it'd be nice to be able to take each other seriously and not have to assume everything's meant as a joke. She does joke like this with everyone but she sees me as someone who's equal minded and relaxed enough to take it without her having to worry about me taking it the wrong way.



AccioCookies said:


> She may genuinely see you as a really good friend. She might also view you as the fall-back guy. I think only she can answer that, but it sounds like she's already told you that she's not interested romantically? Even if she flowered or fluffed it up. There's something I used to hear all the time from my older relatives. And I'm sure they said it a lot better and in fewer words, but it went something like - if you want the truth from someone, just listen to what they're saying. We run everything that we see and hear through our own personalized filters, and that's alright. It may be best to decide what _you_ want from the relationship and whether or not you can handle 'just friends.'


I did bring up the idea of romance and I think it kind of scared her a bit, she decided that distance would be the best option for the time, she maybe even persuaded herself that she was doing it for me rather than herself. 

I certainly don't want to be the fallback guy, I was already thinking that I might need to start standing up to her, maybe see how she takes it, she's quite stubborn and I think she kind of has a good idea of how to control me. After we'd been apart for 3 weeks (Her idea of distance) I suggested that I was taking time to get comfortable around her again and her reaction was to ask why I was still writing to her then.

I really need to work out how I see our friendship and what I want from it.


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## AccioCookies (May 12, 2013)

Yes, I think that's the best way to handle it  Decide what you want first and then take it from there. Best of luck to you!


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## LostTheMarbles (Mar 4, 2012)

Ok, I've come to realize that she is harming me, I don't think if it's intentional but it is happening.

She has very strong opinions and openly admits to being unreasonable (Knowing you're unreasonable is almost a contradiction in my mind), I don't know if she realizes what she's doing but she blames me (and others) when things aren't as she likes them, unfortunately I'm caring enough to let her do it and gullible enough to believe that maybe there's truth in what she says.

What I've realized is that it's rarely my fault and maybe my actions are more reasonable than I let myself think.

*I've got two examples, maybe you could give me a second opinion on my behavior?
*
*Firstly:*
Early on she told me that she doesn't drink often (few times a year), she hates being touched by anyone and how she felt terrible that she had made out with a guy a few weeks earlier (She spent an hour telling me about this). A few nights later we went out together, she got drunk and this this guy starts hitting on her, pushing these strong Mojitos on her and had his hands all over her. I kept an eye on her and checked up on her occasionally. Eventually she got to the point where she couldn't stand, she felt dizzy and couldn't even see properly, she had to sit down for a while before she could head home. The guy was still with her and I refused to let him walk her home alone, he hated me being there and that kind of showed me what he was after. 

​So, the aftermath, I got the blame. Apparently she's always in control even when she's really drunk, she claimed she wasn't actually that drunk and that I should have trusted her and not been so protective, she was in charge and wasn't going to let anything happen. I didn't really care about taking the blame, I hadn't know her for long and I was just happy that she was safe.

*Secondly:
*After 2 weeks together I asked her out, she shouted at me a bit and stormed off to find another hotel, fair enough. I was worried about her, she has a history of depression and had spent the last weeks telling me all the things she's struggling with. I was really upset as well, my best friend had just walked out on me when I was really unwell at the time. A couple of days later I was set to leave the town so I thought I'd find her and try and fix things, a friend pointed me towards her hotel and I turned up looking for her, I didn't think it was a bad thing, we'd spent 2 weeks together and I thought we totally trusted each other, I thought we'd just sit down, talk and fix things right up.

The aftermath: She that I shouldn't have turned up at the hotel, that she was terrified because she didn't know what I was going to do or if I was going to hurt her (I'm the most gentle person you'll ever meet). When she stormed off I thought she as just going to find another hotel, she had actually already arranged to meet another guy friend and decided not to tell me.

So, in both cases I got the blame and in both cases I don't think I did anything wrong, these are the two things we've ever really argued about and in both cases I just did what I thought was right.



*I see two options at the moment, neither of them ideal*

I push her away, I don't really want to lose her, and I've never abandoned a friend before, we get on so naturally, she's like my soul mate but I don't think I'll be able to change her to the point where she's not hurting me be it on purpose or by accident.
I confront her and try and fix things. She's stubborn but I trust that she's not intentionally hurting me. I know I can't fix everyone and most people don't even want me to try but I see so much potential in her, if I could get her to open up to my help and get her back on track then she could be my perfect friend, I've just got to work out if she'd be open to the idea and if it's worth the effort.


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## AccioCookies (May 12, 2013)

Okay, first scenario worries me. It sounds like addict behavior to be honest. An addict will always say that they're in control and they rarely drink or use and never to excess for one reason - they don't feel like they have a problem. As far as they're concerned, they simply don't. She probably remembers the night as flirty and magical and you're just the jerk that threw a wet blanket on it.
Now in my opinion? You did the responsible thing, not only as a friend, but as a person. I'm saying this as the definitive wet blanket. It's hard to see people do this to themselves, and then you're the one that ends up taking the blame. It's an absolutely toxic situation.

I think scenario number two is summed up in "she had actually already arranged to meet another guy friend and decided not to tell me." She wasn't at all afraid that you would hurt her but she might not have wanted to deal with an uncomfortable situation. All in all, it sounds like a very manipulative encounter. Now, she might have unloaded on you faster than she wanted, and she might have freaked out. But the adult thing to do would have been to face that rather than blame you. If she truly had opened up too quickly and needed to get away, that's fine - but she should have told you. Instead, she called another guy and tried to cover it over.

Think long and hard about what you want from this relationship. She has a lot of growing and maturing to do it sounds like, and it's probable that nothing you do or say can help her down that path. I really don't think she's intentionally hurting you, but at the same time, I think that she's more concerned with _her_ happiness than yours. I'd even go so far to say that she places what she wants to do above your feelings. And that's not a great place to be, nor is it really possible to have a mature friendship with someone at that stage.

Ultimately, this choice is yours to make. If you do choose to pursue a friendship, realize the behaviors for what they are and don't let your own feelings get caught up in her outbursts. I use a general gauge - if the relationship/friendship is causing me more misery than joy, it's time to let go. Whatever you decide, I wish you the best  You sound like an absolutely amazing friend.


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## Crystall (Mar 30, 2010)

Sounds to me like she _is _pushing you away on purpose in order to keep you at arm's length. I do that sometimes. Dunno it it's an ENFP ADHD thing.  

But yeah could be a defense mechanism of hers because she's afraid of you getting too close either because it feels too intimate and she's not interested in you in a romantic way, or because she is scared of letting anyone in that close. Either way it's an unhealthy behavior and you might want to try taking a break from each other for a while just to see if you feel better without her.


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## LostTheMarbles (Mar 4, 2012)

Crystall said:


> But yeah could be a defense mechanism of hers because she's afraid of you getting too close either because it feels too intimate and she's not interested in you in a romantic way, or because she is scared of letting anyone in that close. Either way it's an unhealthy behavior and you might want to try taking a break from each other for a while just to see if you feel better without her.


I've been thinking about again and I think I'm getting to the bottom of it , it's defiantly a defense mechanism of hers. 

From what I can tell she always wants to be in full control, she can't stand the feeling that someone else is in charge or that she's inferior to someone and she certainly wouldn't let anyone know that she wants/needs them.

We had a long conversation (over facebook) the other night and I kind of got mixed messages again, at one point she'd be telling me she didn't care if she scared me away and then, not long after she said I didn't need to be so cautious about what I said because friends don't get upset about things like that. Since she stayed talking to me, I kind of assume the first part is the defense mechanism. There're plenty of other times where she's tried to prove to me how strong she is or how she really is in control.


We've just come back form a spell of a couple of weeks when we didn't really talk to each other (She wanted distance, said it was for my benefit, not hers), that's what's given me time to think and come up with all these crazy, maybe paranoid ideas , as they say, ignorance is bliss.


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## Crystall (Mar 30, 2010)

LostTheMarbles said:


> I've been thinking about again and I think I'm getting to the bottom of it , it's defiantly a defense mechanism of hers.
> 
> From what I can tell she always wants to be in full control, she can't stand the feeling that someone else is in charge or that she's inferior to someone and she certainly wouldn't let anyone know that she wants/needs them.
> 
> ...


Sounds like she's frustrated with you for some reason. Are you being overly cautious and sugarcoating things and not being yourself? 
Could be that she is challenging you to see if she can get you to be more real with her. Some dudes go through a weird personality change when they are around a girl they like and start to act like she's made of porcelain. I've had many male friends suddenly start to act like that around me and it creeps me out.


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## LostTheMarbles (Mar 4, 2012)

Crystall said:


> Sounds like she's frustrated with you for some reason. Are you being overly cautious and sugarcoating things and not being yourself?
> Could be that she is challenging you to see if she can get you to be more real with her. Some dudes go through a weird personality change when they are around a girl they like and start to act like she's made of porcelain. I've had many male friends suddenly start to act like that around me and it creeps me out.


It's quite possible but I think it's more likely that she's defending herself, maybe even protecting herself, distancing herself from me to avoid getting hurt, she's been hurt in the past by guys (That's all she says, never dared ask how/why), I don't think she wants to show me that I could hurt her (Maybe a really self centered thought from me).

She's never seen me as self confident, my confidence can go from really high to low in minutes, the first night I met her I let her walk into a scam (long dodgy story) in Bangkok even though I knew and had explained to the group what to look out for, my confidence never really had time to recover.


See, this is the problem, I end up defending her, making excuses for her rather than thinking about myself


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## Swede (Apr 2, 2013)

Sweetie, it is time to move on. It sounds like she is manipulative and self centered and you don't need that. I saw a few things that popped out to me when I read your posts:
1) You mentioned a couple of times that you wanted to help change her (all right, I read that between the lines; "I see so much potential in her" and "She’s not really flexible ... I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t even try and change her mind" and "She doesn’t fully trust any man, not even me". As you already know, changing someone else is not possible no matter how well our intentions are; she has to want to change and do all the work herself. 
What you can put your energy into is changing yourself and your life. Since you say that you are not happy with your level of self esteem and confidence, start working actively on improvements in this area. Don't do it for her or for any other girl or person, but do it for yourself, because you deserve it and it will make your life so much more enjoyable. 
2) You think that the two of you keep joking around to keep distance between yourselves. How come you feel something more deeply/are ready to move on to something more serious when you really don't feel that you know her or even has gotten a chance to get to know her and vice verse? You don't come across as a clown in your posts, you come across as a very intelligent, caring and well spoken person - why not show that in real life too? Yes, rejection hurts more when you show your true self, but that is also how you find friends and partners who are worthy. 
3) I think that it may be possible that she is using you as a means to boost her ego. It may be subconscious on her part, but it is not a good situation to be in for you. In addition, if you can't let her go and you keep being the only one compromising (believing all her excuses, not daring to be yourself, bending to her will) she will lose all respect for you. In this case, it sounds to me like she does not respect you as an individual and takes you for granted, which is not a good basis to build anything deeper from. I do also believe that it is hard to get people to reevaluate their impression of someone once they have made up their minds, which is why my advice for you is to learn from this experience and to move on.

I hope that you will soon get to the point in your life where you understand that you are worth so much more; respect, honesty, love. Don't look for someone to save or help, look for an equal partner to build a relationship where you both support each other. And before you can find someone to truly respect and love, you have to respect and love yourself.

Yeah, I know that I am rambling. It's late and I really should be sleeping right now, just wanted to write and say that I understand your frustration, but I know that things will get better.


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## LostTheMarbles (Mar 4, 2012)

You're totally right, thanks, I do need to distance myself and move away and I've kind of done that tonight, not necessarily on purpose though :O

This is the first time I've ever had to give up on a friend, something I promised I'd never do and hopefully a point I'll never get to again.



Swede said:


> 1) You mentioned a couple of times that you wanted to help change her (all right, I read that between the lines; "I see so much potential in her" and "She’s not really flexible ... I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t even try and change her mind" and "She doesn’t fully trust any man, not even me". As you already know, changing someone else is not possible no matter how well our intentions are; she has to want to change and do all the work herself.


She has a lot of deep rooted problems and I felt that they kind of hid who she really was, I always see potential in people despite the things that hold them back and that's what I was working towards, not changing the way she thinks but boosting her confidence and giving her encouragement not to hide away all the things that made her so special.



Swede said:


> What you can put your energy into is changing yourself and your life. Since you say that you are not happy with your level of self esteem and confidence, start working actively on improvements in this area. Don't do it for her or for any other girl or person, but do it for yourself, because you deserve it and it will make your life so much more enjoyable.


My confidence has improved massively over the last year just through travelling and meeting new people, quite a lot of people (girls especially) come up and talk to me now, unfortunately I make people comfortable so they tend to just open up and tell me all their problems and end up as friends instead of anything more. I think it kind of shows the harm this one girl could do given the fact that she could knock me back so far.



Swede said:


> 2) You think that the two of you keep joking around to keep distance between yourselves. How come you feel something more deeply/are ready to move on to something more serious when you really don't feel that you know her or even has gotten a chance to get to know her and vice verse?


I think that's part of the issue, I felt I'd gotten to know the real her, we'd been together for two weeks and were hardly ever apart, we could sit talk for 9 hour straight, I could make her laugh so hard that she started crying, for me that's what I'm after in a partner, someone I could imagine spending the rest of my life with. I just misread her, she's after a magical spark, the last guy she fell for she couldn't even tell about her ADHD because "he's the type of guy who'd look down on me for it".



Swede said:


> You don't come across as a clown in your posts, you come across as a very intelligent, caring and well spoken person - why not show that in real life too? Yes, rejection hurts more when you show your true self, but that is also how you find friends and partners who are worthy.


I adapt to the situation really well, it's like I have 3 options, intelligent, caring and clown, any two of them fit together but all three is maybe a bit too much to ask. Being the clown helps me relax, breaks down tension and lets people feel comfortable around me, I enjoy it but it needs the right people around me, I think a few ENFP guides describe it as a "Silly Switch" that can be flicked at any point.



Swede said:


> 3) I think that it may be possible that she is using you as a means to boost her ego. It may be subconscious on her part, but it is not a good situation to be in for you. In addition, if you can't let her go and you keep being the only one compromising (believing all her excuses, not daring to be yourself, bending to her will) she will lose all respect for you. In this case, it sounds to me like she does not respect you as an individual and takes you for granted, which is not a good basis to build anything deeper from. I do also believe that it is hard to get people to reevaluate their impression of someone once they have made up their minds, which is why my advice for you is to learn from this experience and to move on.


It seems like she just needs someone to stand up to her, maybe it's a maturity issue, I'm just not in the position to do it because she can just run away and tell herself that I'm in the wrong as she tend to do now that we only talk on Facebook.



Swede said:


> I hope that you will soon get to the point in your life where you understand that you are worth so much more; respect, honesty, love. Don't look for someone to save or help, look for an equal partner to build a relationship where you both support each other. And before you can find someone to truly respect and love, you have to respect and love yourself.


Thanks 

She was someone I saw as an equal partner, we did support each other, she taught me a lot and even sacrificed her own plans to look after me when I was ill, that's the worst bit, that's why it's been so hard to just let her go, I felt we could be happy together, there wasn't any of this craziness back when we were in Thailand (Ok, maybe a little bit), I found her so easy to deal with and I've never gotten on with anyone more naturally.

I don't look for people to save or help, they come and find me, I seem confident and approachable so the less secure, less confident people see me as the easiest option to talk to, unfortunately I listen to them, help them out and then start feeling the connection growing between us because of it.

I do need to find someone nice but to be honest I don't really know where to start, I like to get to know someone before moving things forwards and by that point I've become that good friend who they wouldn't want to lose.

Thanks again


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## Death Persuades (Feb 17, 2012)

No means no.


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## LostTheMarbles (Mar 4, 2012)

We had a little bit of a talk last night and she's finally pushed me far enough to crack open my soft, caring outer shell and has broken into the old me, someone I thought I'd hidden deep enough that no one would ever get down to it. I realised I have been too nice to her and it's probably just reinforced her selfish nature and allowed her to walk all over me so it's probably a bit late now but I'm going to show her who I really am.

I've not cut her off completely but given her a way back in if she's willing to work with me, I'm such a wimp 

This'll probably be my last message to her, I don't intend to hurt her but she needs to know that if she's going to come back to me then it's her that needs to change.



> *I've decided to remove this post for sensitivity reasons
> 
> I think I was probably being a bit mean.*


It feels harsh but I think I need to say something.

I must admit, it's the first time I've been angry with someone in over a year.


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## LostTheMarbles (Mar 4, 2012)

Ok, things have kind of come to an end between us, she replied and has blocked me on Facebook. I finally realize how self centered and crazy she really is.

Here's her response to me 



> *I decided to remove this post for sensitivity reasons
> *.



I'm not too fussed any more, I'm 99% sure that she's the only one that thinks such a thing about me and I'm not even sure that it's her anger talking.


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## Zombie Devil Duckie (Apr 11, 2012)

Just read through everything.. wow, you need to distance yourself from that one. 

The farther, the better and don't look back. Even if she rebounds and offers some amazingly serious "honeymoon" phase remember that the other side of her is coming around and will be as bad, if not worse than any other time.



-ZDD


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## LostTheMarbles (Mar 4, 2012)

Zombie Devil Duckie said:


> Just read through everything.. wow, you need to distance yourself from that one.
> 
> The farther, the better and don't look back. Even if she rebounds and offers some amazingly serious "honeymoon" phase remember that the other side of her is coming around and will be as bad, if not worse than any other time.


I actually feel quite worried about her 

She was treated for depression 8 months ago and at the time they diagnosed her with ADHD and anxiety. When we first met she spent 9 hours telling me all her problems and worries and then was really happy for a couple of weeks before running away from me and also struggling to get on with her other friend. A few weeks ago we were getting on really well and then she started telling me her problems again and then this happened.

I'm blocked on Facebook, I don't know any of her other friends and I wouldn't want to get her father involved (I hardly know him) so I guess there's nothing I can do, quite frustrating really


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## Yardiff Bey (Jun 5, 2011)

LostTheMarbles said:


> I actually feel quite worried about her
> 
> She was treated for depression 8 months ago and at the time they diagnosed her with ADHD and anxiety. When we first met she spent 9 hours telling me all her problems and worries and then was really happy for a couple of weeks before running away from me and also struggling to get on with her other friend. A few weeks ago we were getting on really well and then she started telling me her problems again and then this happened.
> 
> I'm blocked on Facebook, I don't know any of her other friends and I wouldn't want to get her father involved (I hardly know him) so I guess there's nothing I can do, quite frustrating really


IMO 9 hours of listening to problems/worries is a massive red flag - would make me run like hell in the other direction.

Add to that: You ain't paid to help people with their mental/emotional problems. Why are you wanting to help her when she's so loopy that she starts running away from you? Leave it to the professionals to sort it out.


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## LostTheMarbles (Mar 4, 2012)

Yardiff Bey said:


> IMO 9 hours of listening to problems/worries is a massive red flag - would make me run like hell in the other direction.


Yeah, I think a normal person would have taken it as a red flag and gotten away, maybe that's something I should learn to do. It's just that I felt kind of connected with her to start with, we both had ADHD and and she was having a tough time with it, it was only later that she went into her deeper problems that I maybe should have cut her off and told her I don't really care.


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## Aquamarine (Jul 24, 2011)

Well, the problem with her is not due to having problems in her life or feeling insecure about herself. The main issue is that she is a toxic friend, and it is not a good idea to even have her in your life, romantically or platonically.

I really urge you to stay far away from her from now on.


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## LostTheMarbles (Mar 4, 2012)

Athena Avril said:


> Well, the problem with her is not due to having problems in her life or feeling insecure about herself. The main issue is that she is a toxic friend, and it is not a good idea to even have her in your life, romantically or platonically.
> 
> I really urge you to stay far away from her from now on.


Yeah, you're right 

It's just that people I get on with so easily and naturally don't come around too often.

I just can't help but wonder if things would have been different if I didn't get so stressed (Not just from her) and lash out.


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## Aquamarine (Jul 24, 2011)

LostTheMarbles said:


> Yeah, you're right
> 
> It's just that people I get on with so easily and naturally don't come around too often.
> 
> ...


It's not easy to find people we can get along very well with.

I don't know what the outcome would be, however your mention about her controlling you sounds very worrying. She does not sound like a bad person, but her controlling behaviour would make her toxic to your life.


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## LostTheMarbles (Mar 4, 2012)

Athena Avril said:


> It's not easy to find people we can get along very well with.
> 
> I don't know what the outcome would be, however your mention about her controlling you sounds very worrying. She does not sound like a bad person, but her controlling behaviour would make her toxic to your life.


It's all academic now because I got angry enough to tell her what I really thought of her and now she's run away 

She'd spent the previous night getting angry at me, calling me manipulative, saying I was only pretending to be nice and even suggesting that I'd set out to hurt her on purpose. They're almost the exact opposite of who I am and that's why I let it get to me, the idea that she really saw me like that was too much for me. I didn't realize I was angry until I'd already reacted, I'm just not an angry person, it kind of sneaks up on me.

It's the first time anyone has been able to get me angry in almost 2 years, the last time it happened I made plans to quit my job and go travelling .


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## Aquamarine (Jul 24, 2011)

LostTheMarbles said:


> It's all academic now because I got angry enough to tell her what I really thought of her and now she's run away
> 
> She'd spent the previous night getting angry at me, calling me manipulative, saying I was only pretending to be nice and even suggesting that I'd set out to hurt her on purpose. They're almost the exact opposite of who I am and that's why I let it get to me, the idea that she really saw me like that was too much for me. I didn't realize I was angry until I'd already reacted, I'm just not an angry person, it kind of sneaks up on me.
> 
> It's the first time anyone has been able to get me angry in almost 2 years, the last time it happened I made plans to quit my job and go travelling .


Fortunately you aren't too badly affected by her.

You will definitely get angry. Anybody in that situation would, because she is accusing you of being and doing something that you are not.

What was the previous time it happened, and what triggered your anger to do something so drastic?


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## LostTheMarbles (Mar 4, 2012)

Athena Avril said:


> Fortunately you aren't too badly affected by her.
> 
> You will definitely get angry. Anybody in that situation would, because she is accusing you of being and doing something that you are not.
> 
> What was the previous time it happened, and what triggered your anger to do something so drastic?


Luckily I've got some other good friends around me who kind of kept me going, it doesn't take much to knock my confidence so someone like her could really do some long term damage.

Last time I got angry was with my line manager at work, I could tell I was angry but managed to hold it, he'd been promising me a promotion for so long and he kept saying he was going to sort it out but he never got around to it. It was August 2011, the day I started planning my trip, I even set a date to leave and kept to it . I got the promotion and pay rise on the day I handed in my notice , didn't even tempt me.


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## Aquamarine (Jul 24, 2011)

LostTheMarbles said:


> Luckily I've got some other good friends around me who kind of kept me going, it doesn't take much to knock my confidence so someone like her could really do some long term damage.
> 
> Last time I got angry was with my line manager at work, I could tell I was angry but managed to hold it, he'd been promising me a promotion for so long and he kept saying he was going to sort it out but he never got around to it. It was August 2011, the day I started planning my trip, I even set a date to leave and kept to it . I got the promotion and pay rise on the day I handed in my notice , didn't even tempt me.


Receiving support is very important to brave through hard times. 

That must have been a difficult decision; in such circumstances, you must have a lot of trust at that time, that the outcome of leaving will be better than staying.


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## LostTheMarbles (Mar 4, 2012)

Athena Avril said:


> That must have been a difficult decision; in such circumstances, you must have a lot of trust that the outcome of leaving will be better than staying.


Wasn't so much of a decision, more of a reaction to her behaviour.


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## Yardiff Bey (Jun 5, 2011)

LostTheMarbles said:


> Yeah, I think a normal person would have taken it as a red flag and gotten away, maybe that's something I should learn to do. It's just that I felt kind of connected with her to start with, we both had ADHD and and she was having a tough time with it, it was only later that she went into her deeper problems that I maybe should have cut her off and told her I don't really care.


I shouldn't be so hard on you, actually. ADHD plus youth, it takes a while to realise this kind of shit is what's happening.


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## LostTheMarbles (Mar 4, 2012)

Yardiff Bey said:


> I shouldn't be so hard on you, actually. ADHD plus youth, it takes a while to realise this kind of shit is what's happening.


It's unfortunate really, I get a lot of my energy from the people around me and while we were together I was on 2-4 hours sleep a night and still bouncing around.


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## LibertyPrime (Dec 17, 2010)

LostTheMarbles said:


> I do need to find someone nice but to be honest I don't really know where to start, I like to get to know someone before moving things forwards and by that point *I've become that good friend who they wouldn't want to lose*.
> 
> Thanks again


Pardon me interrupting but imo one can easily checkmate such people with the "Either more then friends or nothing." approach. You just have to be mentally prepared to lose them as a friend. It is worth the risk imo in such situations.

Once a party develops "more then friendship feelings" the friendship is toast anyways.


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## LostTheMarbles (Mar 4, 2012)

Ok, it's all over . . . I hope.

It turns out she's actually scared of me being physically violent towards her, I think she associates me too closely with an ex boyfriend that was probably abusive to her. She's looking back over our time together and finding ways to consider me evil, she thinks all the nice things I did for her were my ways of manipulating her.

I've got an interview near her home town in a few days and I told her about it to make her feel more comfortable and she freaked out at me (again).

It's a pity to lose her, especially this way but she's too far gone for me to get through to her, hopefully one day she'll get her life back on track and be happy again.


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## ounkeo (May 23, 2013)

FreeBeer is correct. Once real romantic feelings develop, that friendship is toast. burnt toast. You either risk losing her or never knowing and then turning emo and risk further damaging your insecurities further. 

I've been in your position before. Many times. I'd say many guys have that exact same experience. And sometimes, if it's a friendship they treasure enough, even if they back off to let you cool down, they come back again later by which point, you *should* have your emotions more in check/control.

I used to be one of those guys where this was common: "I just want to be friends" or "you're just too nice"

then they go out looking for the baddest boy in town knowing full well he's going to sleep with her then dump her in the most aggravating way possible. then they come crying back to you for emotional support "if only i had feelings for you!" But of course they won't have feelings for you; they know you'll never dump them!

Here's some advice, and I submit it may be bad advice, but it has worked wonders for me. I don't want to sound like an advertorial, because I'm not selling anything, but since I put my system into place, I got laid so much and the girls just kept coming and wanting "more of a relationship" from me. I really should be saying that with my shirt off. 

That's how I met my wife btw. On our first meeting, I asked her to come home with me (for obvious reasons). She rejected me but that's another story!

so here it is.

when you're young. nice guys with self esteem issues finish last. If you're the good shoulder to cry on, you'll always finish last. It doesn't matter how close you get to a girl or how much you share in common. In fact, that works against you. Not many younger girls rank that at all when looking for romance. You'll be damn lucky if you do find a girl that ranks that highly. They want something dangerous, a bit unknown, mysterious, experimental (pretty much a good sign the guy is actually brain dead). They want an asshole because assholes are sexy. And the reason they are sexy is because they don't really care about the girl. Girls are drawn to that. It's basic reverse psychology. I know it sounds idiotic but you'd be surprised how effective it actually works IRL.

You can make a reasonably good facsimile of that personality type and wear that as your clothing. you don't actually have to be an asshole. Young girls just like that persona. It's perception and perception rules reality. I was never an asshole but I wore the skin of one without really changing who I was. I just presented certain aspects of my personality more outwardly. girls saw what they wanted to see; no deception involved at all. I even made it quite clear I was a nice guy. They chose not to believe me. it's one of the reasons why I'm still friends with most, if not all of my ex-GF's. If I had deceived them, they'd hate my guts. 

I have to tell you, I believe that being an introvert actually helped me because while I was friendly, I was still very aloof and introspective. I know a lot of them took it to be "oohh sexy, he's mysterious and doesn't care!". Yes, it's THAT face palm worthy.

my wife of 10 years told me truthfully how she saw me at the beginning. She saw a "bad boy" and her intention all along was to sleep with me, have fun then ditch me to find a more "reliable and stable" guy. After the first date she realised there was something much more to me than her initial impression and that confused and intrigued her, which opened all kinds of doors eventually leading to marriage. Of course, that same "confusion" drove off a lot of girls I really liked and got along with also but that's how it goes... At least I got a chance to try to make things work out rather than sit on the sideline.

being in the "I just want to be friends" or "you're just too nice" category sucks so incredibly bad, especially so when you're young. reading your post just gave me so many bad flashbacks.


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## bluekitdon (Dec 19, 2012)

My general rule of thumb is if I have to start doing or being someone I'm not around a person to make them like me it's not a good relationship. I've also learned to trust my instincts, once I start thinking someone is not a positive influence on my life I usually back off and let them go.

The flip side of that is maybe I can be a little too far that way, I don't have a lot of friends, so that may be a negative consequence to my way of looking at things . The few people I do choose to spend time with lift me up rather than bring me down though, so I personally think it works better for me rather than trying to win a popularity contest.


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