# How do you handle guilt



## ai.tran.75 (Feb 26, 2014)

What is your relationship with guilt ? ( assuming that you have intentionally or unintentionally hurt someone you cared for deeply ) 

How do you handle it ? Do you get angry with yourself ? Upset ? Apologize for your intentional/unintentional mistake ? Express anger through it- forget about it easily or you have never felt the emotion? Or something entirely different? 

Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk


----------



## Rascal01 (May 22, 2016)

In my experience there are at least two kinds of guilt. There is what you are actually guilty of, and there is what people believe you to be guilty of.

The degree of guilt varies by circumstance. How deep is the guilt you feel? If your guilt involves cheating on a dearly beloved, you may feel terrible haunting guilt eased only by confession. If you cheat in desperation because you are involved in a terrible and unfulfilled relationship, your guilt may feel minor or inconsequential, as though you were driven to it.

By and large guilt lingers and may be carried across the span of your life. Dying people have been known to seek forgiveness at the end to ease their conscience. Guilt, it seems, can be quite the burden. The signs can be detected by polygraph and voice stress analysis, which means the body bears the physical signs of guilt. The guilty generally want to shed their guilt and be free of it.

The guilt other people falsely see in you can be quite annoying. The more you defend yourself the more they tend to believe you guilty.

When I was 6, and my brother 5, we went to a supermarket with my father. In the produce section we saw the biggest strawberries of our young lives stacked in pint and quart containers on a display table. We were utterly awed and overly exuberant as we circled the table, pointing out the largest specimens, which were bigger than our hands. It was a moment in our childhood that was memorable, and we were lost in our delight.

My father appeared from nowhere and accused us of stealing and eating them strawberries, which we certainly had not. Our protests and childish attempts at personal defense were ignored. His accusations stung with unfairness and we grew angry. Now, many decades later, those memories remain fresh with the injustice of the innocent made guilty. My father is long dead but his words linger. Implied guilt is no kinder than earned guilt.


----------



## katnip (Mar 27, 2019)

I am not the type of person who handles guilt very well. I definitely get upset, whether I show it or not. _Especially_ if I go against my values in any way it, it burns right to my core, and I'll need to sit with my emotions alone to sort them out/ride them out, and then move on.


----------



## HIX (Aug 20, 2018)

Guilt is useless in life as is regret


----------



## Ziegel (Feb 11, 2019)

Guilt pisses me off. It's better to do something to stop having it.


----------



## ai.tran.75 (Feb 26, 2014)

katnip said:


> I am not the type of person who handles guilt very well. I definitely get upset, whether I show it or not. _Especially_ if I go against my values in any way it, it burns right to my core, and I'll need to sit with my emotions alone to sort them out/ride them out, and then move on.


I can relate- I wonder if it deals with strong Fi- I've heard many people say they don't care for it much. For me I feel like guilt is the worst feeling in the world - but I also feel like guilt motivate me to do better - unsure if that make any senses 

I hate the feeling of guilt but couldn't help feeling it. For my case it could be something minor like feeling guilty for not spending enough time with my kids - since the US only give us 8 weeks to take off before returning back to work and although I know my kids are safe and are in good hands - it's still hard to shake off the feeling of guilt 

I also feel guilty about not visiting my dad or calling him as much I plan to - most of my close family members are in their 80s and are terminally ill - so it's more along the line of guilt and remorse of not hanging out with them more when they were in good health and kinda taking it for granted. Course I take action by spending more quality time with love ones but it doesn't feel like it is ever enough  

Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk


----------



## pwowq (Aug 7, 2016)

I don't. I hate the feeling so much I do no action that triggers _the feel_. Avoidance.


----------



## katnip (Mar 27, 2019)

> I can relate- I wonder if it deals with strong Fi- I've heard many people say they don't care for it much. For me I feel like guilt is the worst feeling in the world - but I also feel like guilt motivate me to do better - unsure if that make any senses


I think It makes sense. I know if I feel guilty of something, I do try to do better next time. Also yeah, I wouldn't be surprised if guilt is linked to strong Fi in a way (maybe Fe too??) At least, I think someone with Te/Ti would be more likely to rationalize why they shouldn't feel guilty of something (*I'm not saying T's don't feel guilt - Fi may just be more prone to it is all.)


----------



## ai.tran.75 (Feb 26, 2014)

katnip said:


> I think It makes sense. I know if I feel guilty of something, I do try to do better next time. Also yeah, I wouldn't be surprised if guilt is linked to strong Fi in a way (maybe Fe too??) At least, I think someone with Te/Ti would be more likely to rationalize why they shouldn't feel guilty of something (*I'm not saying T's don't feel guilt - Fi may just be more prone to it is all.)


Well I posted this question in 4 forum - sp sj nt and course nf , and I noticed that fi users ( even istj) would think along the line of accidentally spilling drink over someone's furniture or not spending enough time with love ones and many fe users mentioned manipulation and people don't deserved their pity- which never crossed my mind when I posted this question. It's interesting how different type perceives and answer the questions.

Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk


----------



## Ziegel (Feb 11, 2019)

pwowq said:


> I don't. I hate the feeling so much I do no action that triggers _the feel_. Avoidance.


You mostly can't control your feelings and that's why they suck. They're useless


----------



## ai.tran.75 (Feb 26, 2014)

Ziegel said:


> You mostly can't control your feelings and that's why they suck. They're useless


I believe one can control their feelings and emotions if they're aware of how they feel, I don't see how guilt is a useless emotion- if anything it motivate one to fix the problem or do something about it 
Perhaps it's me but from observations people tends to take action for their own responsibility most when they're feeling guilt 

Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk


----------



## Ziegel (Feb 11, 2019)

Yeah in the long run guilt can be useful, you're right. Still, it's unpleasant as hell. Unless you take action


----------



## NewBeginning (Oct 8, 2016)

Sharing that need to release energy with an intimate partner if and when there is one, watering plants, going for a walk, eating savory food, having a cup of tea, sleeping in, talking to someone who's uninteresting because there's nothing better to do, trying to forgive myself for having done said thing over and over and over in my head and with my actions, not allowing myself to overindulge and trying to be a good person who volunteers, petting a dog that I wouldn't normally care for but know that it would be good for both of us to just beak the ice and say hello to each other to get it over with...things like that are ways that I deal with guilt on a normal basis. I tend to distrust people because guilt only comes to people who have been abused by others so knowing that someone who is as close as within your own family and you're forced to partake in dealing with them every so often is enough to know that most people suck but it also creates a chain reaction for me where the amount of disdain for said person or people becomes precisely the amount of hatred you have for yourself, and that's not good but it isn't permanent. It comes in waves and phases, and you'll tend to see me friending and unfriending people in my mind all the time without intending to do so. It's just a part of being someone who deals with guilt on a constant basis due to abhorred childhood events of trauma and all that other cliche stuff every single person's family in the whole entire universe has ever had to deal with since the beginning of time itself.


----------



## Rascal01 (May 22, 2016)

Rascal01 said:


> In my experience there are at least two kinds of guilt. There is what you are actually guilty of, and there is what people believe you to be guilty of.
> 
> The degree of guilt varies by circumstance. How deep is the guilt you feel? If your guilt involves cheating on a dearly beloved, you may feel terrible haunting guilt eased only by confession. If you cheat in desperation because you are involved in a terrible and unfulfilled relationship, your guilt may feel minor or inconsequential, as though you were driven to it.
> 
> ...


I have learned of a third type of guilt, the guilt of our dreams.

A night or two after posting the above I dreamed I committed murder while in a rage. It was very violent with cruelty I didn’t know I was capable of. I awoke immediately in an emotionally charged state, felt great guilt and perhaps some shame. Instead of simply evaporating with the dawn, the guilt lingered for 5 to 10 minutes.

In was only a dream and there was no murder. It was an illusion of the mind, nothing more. But the guilt was real and it took time for it to pass. I was much relieved when it passed.

In 1989, when in a tough spot, I dreamed I strangled a terrorist. When I awoke I was still in a tough spot, but glad I had not strangled anyone, especially since the situation was resolved without a death. That’s how long guilt can linger.


----------



## Liove (Sep 16, 2017)

Rascal01 said:


> I have learned of a third type of guilt, the guilt of our dreams.
> 
> A night or two after posting the above I dreamed I committed murder while in a rage. It was very violent with cruelty I didn’t know I was capable of. I awoke immediately in an emotionally charged state, felt great guilt and perhaps some shame. Instead of simply evaporating with the dawn, the guilt lingered for 5 to 10 minutes.
> 
> In was only a dream and there was no murder. It was an illusion of the mind, nothing more. But the guilt was real and it took time for it to pass. I was much relieved when it passed.


Eh? What was the cause of the guilt, though?

Was it from realizing you were *capable of* and committed a violent and cruel murder? (Even if it was only in your dream)

Or...

Was it from the type of person you murdered? (Which you did not mention)


----------



## Rascal01 (May 22, 2016)

Liove said:


> Eh? What was the cause of the guilt, though?
> 
> Was it from realizing you were *capable of* and committed a violent and cruel murder? (Even if it was only in your dream)
> 
> ...



The guilt I felt was as if I had actually committed a murder while in a state of rage, then calmed and realized what I had done.

When coming out of the sleep state I was in there was no immediate realization I had been dreaming. I had killed violently with my hands and, no longer in a rage, I experienced the guilt of killing another human being. When I first awoke I wasn’t even aware I was in my bed and had been asleep. It took a while for me to realize where I was, and above all, that there was no burden of guilt.

I was much relieved to realize it was only a dream.


----------



## ai.tran.75 (Feb 26, 2014)

Ziegel said:


> Yeah in the long run guilt can be useful, you're right. Still, it's unpleasant as hell. Unless you take action


Even after taking action the feeling is unpleasant but without any ounce of it one can easily become a psychopath 

Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk


----------



## letsrunlikecrazy (Sep 21, 2015)

I don't/can't handle guilt. Mostly I channel it into anger right away, generally at myself but often also toward my surroundings and other people. Or I avoid it completely by focusing my attention on fixing the problem I caused and therefore not dwelling on my feelings. Or I remind myself that feeling guilty won't change what happened, and is therefore pointless. Even better, I don't put myself in situations where I would need to feel guilt.


----------



## ai.tran.75 (Feb 26, 2014)

letsrunlikecrazy said:


> Even better, I don't put myself in situations where I would need to feel guilt.


How do you avoid death of your child or a dying parent( terminally ill) ? Or the feeling of guilt when it does occur

Perhaps its bc I'm a feeler, but it's hard for me not to feel guilty that I didn't spend enough quality time or took things for granted when the person was still alive / not terminally ill- even though I know I did a lot - there is still that sense of wishing I did more 

Do you just distance yourself from people all in general? 

Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk


----------



## letsrunlikecrazy (Sep 21, 2015)

ai.tran.75 said:


> How do you avoid death of your child or a dying parent( terminally ill) ? Or the feeling of guilt when it does occur
> 
> Perhaps its bc I'm a feeler, but it's hard for me not to feel guilty that I didn't spend enough quality time or took things for granted when the person was still alive / not terminally ill- even though I know I did a lot - there is still that sense of wishing I did more
> 
> ...


Thankfully I never had to deal with either. If a loved one was dying I think I would resign myself to thinking it can't be avoided, and accept it. I would focus on making the most of the time we have left and on making their passing peaceful. Later, once they're gone, I might have bursts of grief but still I'll focus on accepting present reality or on the positives of their existence.

As a thinker, I still have thoughts like "I wish I could have done this instead" or "I shouldn't have said that to them" but those thoughts frustrate me so much I basically just push them away, out of my mind, or drown them out with other concerns.


----------



## letsrunlikecrazy (Sep 21, 2015)

ai.tran.75 said:


> How do you avoid death of your child or a dying parent( terminally ill) ? Or the feeling of guilt when it does occur
> 
> Perhaps its bc I'm a feeler, but it's hard for me not to feel guilty that I didn't spend enough quality time or took things for granted when the person was still alive / not terminally ill- even though I know I did a lot - there is still that sense of wishing I did more
> 
> ...


By not putting myself in situations where I would need to feel guilt I meant not doing things that go against my morals (actions that would make me feel like I'm a bad person), not that I purposely avoid getting close to people.


----------



## ai.tran.75 (Feb 26, 2014)

letsrunlikecrazy said:


> By not putting myself in situations where I would need to feel guilt I meant not doing things that go against my morals (actions that would make me feel like I'm a bad person), not that I purposely avoid getting close to people.


I wasn't thinking how one did someone wrong when I posted this question , however it is interesting to see how fi and fe users answer this question . Most fi user relate it to scenario as accidentally spilling coffee onto someone's couch or having random burst of thoughts about deceased love ones . Whereas Fe think of a time somebody force them to feel guilty or relate it to never hurting someone intentionally 
When I posted the question I was thinking about my entp father- who has lung cancer - my dad is my best friend/mentor - we are extremely close - he have always said that I was a good child , and I know I'm doing the best I can - however it's hard for not to feel guilty for not spending more time with him when he was well( course this isn't on going- happens once or twice a week on a car ride) before posting this question- I thought it was the same for everyone ( blind judgement) however after reading responses I realize that its not so. Thank you so much for explaining- I'm now able to get a clearer understanding of different perspectives 

Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk


----------



## FireShield (Jul 12, 2019)

I don't. No guilt or remorse. It's not like I'm actively malicious, but I have hurt others. Not intentionally but more absent-mindedly and in impulse. It probably isn't good to admit but I see both guilt and remorse as a major time waster and something I'm better than, regardless of my actions, which are *usually* pretty benign or at least harmless.


----------



## Surreal Snake (Nov 17, 2009)

Alone


----------



## Notus Asphodelus (Jan 20, 2015)

Whenever I feel guilt, I always have this urge to right the wrong. Sometimes it ends well, but most of the time it gets worst that before. In the process of doing so, I would either sacrifice my own needs for the happiness of someone I deeply care despite everything or reach a compromise between me and the people involved..


----------

