# Should I stay or should I go?



## HollyGolightly (Aug 8, 2009)

I didn't make something clear because my thought process is all over the place right now...my mom won't leave without all her children. And I don't think my sisters (who are 15 and ten by the way) will want to come. 
And there's silly things that are upsetting me, like the fact I will have to part with my cat because we can't take her to my nans. I know that's a minor thing that shouldn't matter but it's going to turn everybody's world upside down. All the little things I have always had and taken for granted are going to be gone and i don't know how to deal with it. And if I'm struggling how am my sisters going to feel?
I doubt my mom will leave because of my younger sisters. I think she's going to put up and shut up. 
I've promised myself if I ever find myself in a relationship like that I WILL NOT put up and shut up. 
I think I'm going to leave home anyway. I can't take it anymore. I have no happy memories of childhood and I don't want unhappy memories of all my teen years as well.


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## red riding hood (Aug 10, 2009)

Holly I agree with what most people are saying, I think in this case you need to think about what is best for you, and not about your father, sisters, or mother. Some times what is best for you is also what is best for others. I know you worry about your family (I do the same thing), but if you do not take care of you, then you can not really help them, not to mention if you want them to get out and be strong, then you have to set a good example and walk away your self, that does not mean walking out of there lives altogether, you can still be part of their lives and tell them and show them that they can be strong compassionate and considerate like you. Do the right thing and encourage them to do the same? What advice would you give them if they were in your shoes? Would you want them to stay in a situation like that? Give yourself the same amount of considerations and love that you would give to others. If they choose to stay there is nothing you can do about that, then maybe although you may not agree or think it best for them, there is some reason inside of them that leads them to be there, and there is just nothing anyone can do about that. 

You are a heart-warming person and you should be very proud of yourself that you are taking care of your loved ones, keep being strong, remember to also take care of you if you want to be able to take care of others. Don’t over extend yourself, and no you have support and concern from more people than you know. I know you can overcome this. You will be in my thoughts, and I send you E-hugs.


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## HollyGolightly (Aug 8, 2009)

I'm going to stay with my nan's for a week to get away and see how I feel. When I stayed there the last time I didn't want to come back. So if I feel the same way I'm going to tell my family I'm moving to live with her. After I've completed my degree and I have enough money I'm moving completely away. I'm not breaking off contact but I need to be away. They really bring me down. Don't get me wrong, I love them dearly but I had no childhood. I was always a nervous child and was made to feel like a freak and an embarrassment. Every single one of them did that to me and I don't hold a grudge - it happened there is nothing I can do and I forgive them - but I don't want a repeat performance and that's what it is becoming. 

Thank you to everyone for being so understanding.


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## snail (Oct 13, 2008)

That sounds like a good decision.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## red riding hood (Aug 10, 2009)

Hay little one I do not know your situation completely, but I have a very very good family and still always felt like a freak growing up (even around most of my family), it is a sort of innate characteristic of our personality type. I was just very lucky to have a grandmother with the same personality type, (actually I would say she is even much more intuitive than I am) Either way with out her to teach me and show me that I was not that weird, I would probably have felt really bad about who and how I am. Still to this day I am quite keenly aware of how odd I am. 

Different is a good thing dear, where would the world be with out loving and caring people like you? and no matter what other people have done to you, it does not determine your value. You keep being the strong loving compassionate person you are regardless of how they choose to behave, their treating you poorly is really rather sad because they have missed out on having a very unique and gifted person in their life, however you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink. 

Sort of makes me mad to think of people being so cruel and inconsiderate of you. If I were there I would kick them in the shins for you, but I sure don’t want to end up in jail, sorry that is the moma protectiveness coming out in me.


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## HollyGolightly (Aug 8, 2009)

Thank you read riding hood 
This replies have made me cry. I can't believe you're all being so kind to me.


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## Aurora Fire (Oct 13, 2008)

HollyGolightly said:


> Thank you read riding hood
> This replies have made me cry. I can't believe you're all being so kind to me.


I think you deserve it :happy:


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## SuicidalMarshmallow (Aug 15, 2009)

You know-- your sig used to annoy me. (I don't know if you read the other thread of "what you really think about a personality cafe member", but I put it there.)
Now don't get me wrong-- the reason I didn't like it was because I didn't like portraying myself as hopeless. Now I respect it. Honestly, I had the false impression you didn't know what it was like to go through that and you were putting it up because you felt sorry for those kids. Now I know better, so I apologize.
I get what you're going through. My situation is a little bit different because I _am_ the youngest sister. Both of my parents are constantly manipulating me into feeling guilty. They are always blaming my older sister-- "she left you" "She didn't even think twice before giving you away" "look at all the trouble she's gotten herself into" "she's so irresponsible" "She's manipulative" "she doens't give a crap about anyone else" "look how she just plays that game all day long". And the list goes on and on. That's really hurtful-- when people you are supposed to love are saying such mean things about the one person you love more than anyone else in the world. My sister was there for me. More than they ever were. I _know_ I'm constantly on her mind. She's constantly on mine.
The thing is, recently, they starting being kind to me and my dad is working on his temper/depression issues. Honestly, I don't know if it's my heart to forgive them and I haven't made up my mind if I'm leaving in 3 years (when I turn 18) or not. My situation is pretty complicated too-- just slightly different. For one, my mom isn't leaving my dad any time soon. Why? I don't know. I think she's still in love with the flase image of him she met 26 years ago.
However, I agree with just about everyone else here. You need to look out for yourself. I don't know you all that well, but I gather that you are a very caring and gentle person. If I'm mistaken, sorry. It's just the impression I have. Maybe I'll get to know you better if I'm wrong 
I think your decision to get away is a good one. My sister really, really loved (and loves) me. She feels that she needs to protect me. I love her sooooo, sooo much. We have a really deep connection-- but she left. 
I don' blame her. She's off studying and working so when I leave for college she could help me out. (Of course, the situation with my parents has changed.) My sister always poratected me from them. She was the one that would fight back-- I would hide and cry. That's why I didn't like your sig at first. It reminded me of myself. I want to stand up for myself. I think you need to too. It's hard for me to just even tell my dad anything-- what radio station I want to listen to, what restaurant I want to eat at. I freak out. I'm scared he'll get mad and lash out at me. I'm more confident when my sister's around, but I'm also more wary because I know she will have a tendency to go beat out the crap of our father. Lately, she's been more calm and tries letting me deal with it in my own way.
It is my opinion that you need to deal with it in your own way too. See how it goes with your granny-- whenever I leave my house (for example, I went to see my cousins in Minnesota this summer), I feel guilty that I don't miss them. But the truth is that I feel _a lot_ more relaxed. It's completely a completely different environment. *Just because you are biologically connected doesn't mean you have to be emotionally.* Parents are parents-- whether they are good or bad for you is a whole 'nother question.
Sorry if this is a bit long-- I've tied in a lot of my experiences into it, as usual XD;
And deary, of course we would help you out. The majority of people are kind. Not all of them will pick on you. Always remember that. There are good people-- the world isn't so horrible. Know that you are very capable of loving and being loved  Best of luck! I hope you find peace, balance, and happiness in your life


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## HollyGolightly (Aug 8, 2009)

Yeah I saw it and it hurt my feelings because it seemed that everybody else agreed that it was annoying, that's why i haven't been posting much on here because I thought I was annoying people. You could have just told me that it upset you. I'd have taken it off and I would have understood. 

And thank you for the kind words. :happy:


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## red riding hood (Aug 10, 2009)

I am sorry I am old and slow but what signature is that about?


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## HollyGolightly (Aug 8, 2009)

My signature. The one with the picture of the little girl. I've taken it out now.


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## yara (Jul 28, 2009)

I didn't get annoyed from the picture,I really respect you for putting that picture as your signature.
You're a great person Holly,we will never get annoyed from you:happy:


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## SuicidalMarshmallow (Aug 15, 2009)

HollyGolightly said:


> Yeah I saw it and it hurt my feelings because it seemed that everybody else agreed that it was annoying, that's why i haven't been posting much on here because I thought I was annoying people. You could have just told me that it upset you. I'd have taken it off and I would have understood.
> 
> And thank you for the kind words. :happy:


Np for the words, but you didn't have to take it down! D: I'm fine with it now because I've read more or less what you went through. Someone (can't remember who...was is Munchies?) told me they didn't like my user name. I told them thank you (for their honest opinion) xD
So if you want to keep your sig pic-- keep it. It's a good cause, but holds bad memories for me. I really don't mind anymore if you have it there-- it's your choice 
Also, I'm sorry I hurt your feelings *hugs* Now you've made me feel horribly guilty! >.<
And occasionally I've been feeling as if I'm a burden to everyone else and I'm just annoying them, but I still wouldn't change anything-- not even if you presented me with a giant cookie! O: (Well...maybe for the cookie... >.>)
But I think you're a really nice person ^_^ Don't let things people say (whether it be me...and I'm _really_ sorry about that, just needed to get it off my chest >.> I'm used to it now and actually miss XD I'm weird like that) get you down or make you feel like a burden. 
The reason I didn't like it was because I thought you were putting it up just for other people-- not yourself. I didn't know what you'd been through ): I'm so sorry ~will continue apologizing for a very long time~ Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!!! >.<


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## HollyGolightly (Aug 8, 2009)

It's okay. I know how it feels to suddenly be reminded of what happened and it hurts because it catches you off guard and for all I know i could be making someone else who was abused feel the same as how you felt so I'll take it down. No worries :happy: I was offended at first but now we've both explained our sides it's okay. I get why you felt the way you did and you get why I felt the way I did. It's okay now. I'd like to get to know you better, you seem nice.


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## SuicidalMarshmallow (Aug 15, 2009)

HollyGolightly said:


> It's okay. I know how it feels to suddenly be reminded of what happened and it hurts because it catches you off guard and for all I know i could be making someone else who was abused feel the same as how you felt so I'll take it down. No worries :happy: I was offended at first but now we've both explained our sides it's okay. I get why you felt the way you did and you get why I felt the way I did. It's okay now. I'd like to get to know you better, you seem nice.


*blushes* Aw shucks >///w///>
You seem like a really nice person too <3


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## flyintheointment (Jun 15, 2009)

Wow, I didn't realize you were going through so much. I wish I'd read this earlier. I agree with what most everyone has said. It's clearly not an easy situation. And the decisions you have to make are extraordinary. I respect and admire your will and perseverance. 

Here's something if it helps . . .



> _*THE VALLEY*_​
> _*Yea, though I walk through the valley... Psalm 23:4*_​
> *Lord, I asked for mountains,*
> *But You gave me the valley;*
> ...


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## HollyGolightly (Aug 8, 2009)

Thank you flyintheointment. That was very kind of you : ) 
Anybody know why she is banned?! She's so nice....I don't understand :sad:


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## SuicidalMarshmallow (Aug 15, 2009)

I have no clue o.o


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## HollyGolightly (Aug 8, 2009)

I can't understand it. Is this a joke? She's so kind and helpful, I never seen her be abusive to anyone...I wonder what happened.
I feel so sad. I really liked her. She's such a lovely person


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## SuicidalMarshmallow (Aug 15, 2009)

I didn't' really know her at all....so I wouldn't have a clue D: Sorries ): *pats* It's okay...you still have me! (Oh joy xD)


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## HollyGolightly (Aug 8, 2009)

Yes Marshy I do  Don't get yourself banned or I won't be happy :tongue:


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## Bohemian (Aug 18, 2009)

Whatever you choose to do, keep in your head that you did it for the best


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## SuicidalMarshmallow (Aug 15, 2009)

I wouldnt get _BANNED._ PFFFFT. That's preposterous! I'm a goo_d girl._


....*cough*....


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## Scruffy (Aug 17, 2009)

I know it's a bit late on the topic, but I'll share my opinion:



I say there's nothing left for you back with your dad other than incredibly high daily emotional stress. Start fresh, I'm sure you're a kind person who hardly puts yourself before other people. You should do something for yourself this time, I'm sure you'll feel better and will be able to help people even more.

You can't stay in a bad place, it's not right. You deserve far better than that, everyone deserves to be in a good place.

It's going to be very hard for awhile, but you and your family will eventually adapt to the new situation and find good in it, people always do.



In the end though it's up to you, I hope you end up happy either way.



Oh man I feel the need to light up a cigar and beat up a stranger after that post, brb kicking ass.


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## HollyGolightly (Aug 8, 2009)

Thank you  Yeah I think I'm moving away. Kind of in the middle of making decisions


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## Blueguardian (Aug 22, 2009)

HollyGolightly said:


> This is a complicated situation and I don't want to share too much but I'll try to be as clear as possible.
> 
> My Mom wants to leave my Dad because he has no backbone and has never protected us. My mom got verbally abused for no reason by someone the other day and he walked off because he couldn't deal with standing up for her. She came back home in tears and he hasn't apologised, he suddenly decided he has a bad back and that he's ill (he always turns it around so it's back to him).
> I love my dad and I feel like I'm being disloyal, but he's never been loyal to me. He loves me, but only because I'm his daughter. It's pretty clear that he doesn't like me for who I am. He gave me a complex about being shy and kind, he tried to bring me up to be tough when I was little. If my sister fell over he would scoop her up and comfort her but if I fell over and hurt myself I wasn't allowed to cry and and he would call me a name instead of comforting me. I know he wishes I was more like my younger sisters.
> ...


Wow. What you are going through would piss me off! Those pricks that were picking on you are lucky I wasn't around or they'd be eating pavement. I have no tolerance for such things. Since it has been a bit since you posted this, I hope things are better for you now.


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## HollyGolightly (Aug 8, 2009)

Things are looking up  I'm gonna leave home soon, hopefully before christmas.
My mom and dad have decided that they are not splitting up. Hmm...

Thank you for asking me  That was kind


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## Lucretius (Sep 10, 2009)

Wow...I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. I hope things improve for you dramatically with the move. I really wish I could have been there to support you; I'm amazed and angry that your father did nothing. Just wow...


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## Vegard Pompey (Jun 29, 2009)

HollyGolightly said:


> Things are looking up  I'm gonna leave home soon, hopefully before christmas.
> My mom and dad have decided that they are not splitting up. Hmm...


I suppose it might be appropriate to wish you a merry christmas then :happy: Good luck with everything!


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## HollyGolightly (Aug 8, 2009)

Thank you


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## SuicidalMarshmallow (Aug 15, 2009)

Cheers for Holly and the best of luck!  *gives you big ol' bear huggles*


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## Mutatio NOmenis (Jun 22, 2009)

HollyGolightly said:


> I don't know what to do.


 Punch the next person to bring up your harrassment. And leave your dad and GTFO!
I cannot stress this enough: Escape! And keep posting here; you're with friends.
And I wouldn't say no to killing your dad either.


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## Mutatio NOmenis (Jun 22, 2009)

HollyGolightly said:


> When I say that my dad may do something stupid, I mean to himself. I can see him committing suicide.


 I hope he does. If he doesn't I'll just do him in myself. Just give me his location.


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## HollyGolightly (Aug 8, 2009)

Don't say that please.


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## Mutatio NOmenis (Jun 22, 2009)

I see no problem with causing your dad any amount of pain. Make him suffer for his actions and his innactions. Drive him to suicide if you're unable to kill him outright. I don't see any problem with with causing a shit like him suffer.


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## TurranMC (Sep 15, 2009)

Mutatio NOmenis said:


> I see no problem with causing your dad any amount of pain. Make him suffer for his actions and his innactions. Drive him to suicide if you're unable to kill him outright. I don't see any problem with with causing a shit like him suffer.


I've withheld my opinion from this thread because Holly is an emotional person. Telling her to do things like what you're suggesting will not help her situation at all. The situation is not extreme enough to try to convince her such things. You're only hurting her in this case.


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## HollyGolightly (Aug 8, 2009)

He didn't know what was happening to me so he couldn't do anything.
I wish I had never posted this. I just needed help. I was desperate. I should have kept it to myself.


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## red riding hood (Aug 10, 2009)

HollyGolightly said:


> He didn't know what was happening to me so he couldn't do anything.
> I wish I had never posted this. I just needed help. I was desperate. I should have kept it to myself.


Little one you are right to get things out and express stuff, I want to be here and I want to try to help, I would bet that so do most of the other posters, even if what they post does not help you, I don’t think it is there intent to hurt you. I am sorry if some of what you hear is not helpful, we are all human and we all error, even parents. I am a mom and lord knows I have made some big old flub ups. I think it is simply that everyone here cares about you, so the primary focus is on protecting and helping you. Shoot, you know me my knee jerk reaction to anyone doing something that is hurtful is to just whack them with a stick, but I also know that really does not help, nor would it help you. I am so proud of you that even with the wrongs that have been done to you; you have remained compassionate and kind. I have faith that you will overcome and make things better, it is your nature. You are a really remarkable strong young lady, and an inspiration. Don’t shut yourself away. :sad:


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## N^G (Apr 30, 2009)

Holly,

The family strife you are going through is certainly a tough one to work through. You certainly shouldn't have been put in the situation of being a pivot in the decision making process for your mother over it, I believe that was unfair, but I do agree with everyone else that you need to do with what is best for you.

Family is a bitch but distance is a good place to ponder it from and work out whats best for you.

What decisions other people make, and actions they take you cannot place upon yourself, as ultimately those are their choices. You clearly feel a lot of attachment to your siblings, which is great as that means you have a strong bond with them, but legally, they are not your responsibility and as such you may end up having to simply hope for the best with them whichever way the wind blows and try to keep your relationship with them as strong as you can.

In terms of your environment, if I were in your shoes I would definately be looking for a change. There are jobs out there though if you are willing to move to them which might just be what you need.

http://careers.virginmedia.com/apply/index.htm <--- good company to work for and have offices pretty much everywhere in the uk, and pretty much always have a wide variety of jobs advertised.

Either way, good luck and best wishes with your situation.


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## Vegard Pompey (Jun 29, 2009)

HollyGolightly said:


> He didn't know what was happening to me so he couldn't do anything.
> I wish I had never posted this. I just needed help. I was desperate. I should have kept it to myself.


Don't feel that way. There is no shame in asking for help, and pride is a silly thing anyway. What good would it do to keep it to yourself, what harm does it do to ask for help?


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