# Intelligence and loneliness



## zallla (Oct 11, 2011)

I really like being who I am but sometimes it makes me sad that I'm so much more intelligent than average people in real life (the improvement would be me being just as intelligent as I was and the average more intelligent). It really makes me a bit lonely at times, it seems hard to find real-life friends who would actually be intellectually as capable, open-minded and curious.

Ever feel this way? Thoughts? Where have you met like-minded individuals IRL?


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## LadyO.W.BernieBro (Sep 4, 2010)

Many a day and night have l spent roaming the corridors of Nasa's headquarters and crashing countless Mensa meetings, merely in search of intelligent discussion...only to be consistently disappointed by humanity.

l wouldn't chalk it up to intelligence so much in my case because while l'm smarter than some people, l haven't had enormous trouble in finding people who are smarter than me. Whether or not l like them, is still in question. 

My biggest barrier is finding other types who truly get me regardless of intelligence but the loneliness doesn't kill me. lt can be liberating.


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## DAPHNE XO (Jan 16, 2012)

I don't think your problem is intelligence, I think you're just looking for people who are on the same intellectual wavelengths as you.
From my personal experience, EVERYONE is looking for someone on the same wavelength as them.

Nowadays, I have certain people to fill certain 'intellectual needs' as it were; photography people if I'm feeling like an art snob. My sports friends if I want light hearted manly banter, PerC for just lulz, etc, etc.

You're never going to find everything in one person/group of people. Expand your network and have certain people fill specific needs. It's much more interesting that way and this reduces the likelihood you'll get bored.


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## Pogona Vitticeps (Mar 18, 2013)

I don't think your intelligence is your problem. I think your problem is not having people that share a common interest with you. Sharing a common interest can bridge lots of gaps between people.


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## zones (May 18, 2013)

zallla said:


> I really like being who I am but sometimes it makes me sad that I'm so much more intelligent than average people in real life (the improvement would be me being just as intelligent as I was and the average more intelligent). It really makes me a bit lonely at times, it seems hard to find real-life friends who would actually be intellectually as capable, open-minded and curious.
> 
> Ever feel this way? Thoughts? Where have you met like-minded individuals IRL?


I might sound like a bitch but gotta say this.
Intelligence is subjective. In school, you can "compare" people's intelligence by grades. At work, you can't really tell.

You might think you are intelligent but you might not be. If your definition of intelligence is measured in terms of IQ, go join MENSA and you'll meet lots of people who are "at" your level. If you are intelligent in terms of academic caliber, go to Harvard or some top-ranked schools. If you already have a college degree, going back to school can help you even more since post-graduate schools really do a good job of weeding people out. Just make sure to go to a "good" school. 

On a side note, have you considered if other intelligent people would think the same? If they think you are not intelligent enough for them, they would not come to you. If you want intelligent friends, it would behoove you to better market yourself as intelligent.


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## the_natrix (Aug 10, 2011)

I recommend trying for someone who is smarter than you at something that you're not and vice versa, that way you can both be intrigued by each other. Personally I would enjoy someone that would shore up my weaknesses; I'm not great with diplomacy and de-stressing, so I would try to find someone that's a fun people person. I'm also into biology with a plan to become a physical therapist, so I wouldn't want to find someone that's into the same thing as it would create competition.


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## AccioCookies (May 12, 2013)

It sounds a little bit to me like you're looking for more of a connection than intelligence  And as others have said, pretty much everyone is looking for that. Do the people you normally run into simply put you off or you don't feel interested in much that they have to say? Expose yourself to different people and different things. If you're simply looking for intellectual stimulation, there are people of all intelligences and abilities that can offer up a challenge. Try meetup.com to find like-minded people in the same area. Most groups have forums if you want to test the waters.


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## ForsakenMe (Aug 30, 2010)

My best friend may not be as smart as I am, but I don't hold that against her. Honestly? A lot of people who society may call "dumb as a rock" are actually the most nicest people you will ever meet, while the smart people are usually self-absorbed cunts and can never be wrong. That kind of stuff gets tiring after a while.


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## athenaowl (Apr 22, 2013)

I relate. Most people are not interested in academic topics and/or are intellectual. It is difficult to find people who have similar mental capacities to associate with simply due to the fact that most people do not have the same interests that I have. I often feel alienated, strange as it is.


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## LadyO.W.BernieBro (Sep 4, 2010)

zones said:


> I might sound like a bitch but gotta say this.
> Intelligence is subjective. In school, you can "compare" people's intelligence by grades. At work, you can't really tell.
> 
> You might think you are intelligent but you might not be. If your definition of intelligence is measured in terms of IQ, go join MENSA and you'll meet lots of people who are "at" your level. If you are intelligent in terms of academic caliber, go to Harvard or some top-ranked schools. If you already have a college degree, going back to school can help you even more since post-graduate schools really do a good job of weeding people out. Just make sure to go to a "good" school.
> ...


This is what l have always wanted to say to people with this attitude. Lose it or come real with it, bro. l've met people smarter than me quite by accident, if we're defining intelligence by IQ score. l didn't even have to find the Mensa meeting xD

Born out of similar interests and personality, eventually. l couldn't see the point in wasting time with people l really had nothing in common with and complaining about being ''too advanced" for them. 

l think some people really like this, TBH. lt's comforting to be the smartest person in the room. l have definitely had the lowest IQ score in a room(l presume because l don't actually know what my IQ is and they were all gifted-genius range) and it can be enjoyable experience, much like spending time with anyone you enjoy can be rewarding if you lose the obsession with intelligence.


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## LostTheMarbles (Mar 4, 2012)

AccioCookies said:


> It sounds a little bit to me like you're looking for more of a connection than intelligence  And as others have said, pretty much everyone is looking for that. Do the people you normally run into simply put you off or you don't feel interested in much that they have to say? Expose yourself to different people and different things. If you're simply looking for intellectual stimulation, there are people of all intelligences and abilities that can offer up a challenge. Try meetup.com to find like-minded people in the same area. Most groups have forums if you want to test the waters.


That sounds about right for me also, I'm very intelligent (and modest too  ) and used to really struggle to find people I got on with but then I went travelling and I started to meet people I could connect with, it was no longer about the intelligence (Although it plays a small part), it's about attitude and that connection between us.

If it helps, I find I get on better with ideas people a lot better than knowledge people (I don't know if that's the difference between N and S in Myers Briggs?).


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## zallla (Oct 11, 2011)

sticks said:


> I relate. Most people are not interested in academic topics and/or are intellectual. It is difficult to find people who have similar mental capacities to associate with simply due to the fact that most people do not have the same interests that I have. I often feel alienated, strange as it is.


Yeah, that's the thing! It would be so much more enjoyable if there were more people who shared my interests. I don't find "general people" (people you will find if you have a random and representational sample of the population) very interesting at all, we have too different interests and approaches, people rarely get enthusiastic about what I am enthusiastic about. Being academic and/or intellectual is really that rare. Sure there are many kinds of intelligences but I was referring to the ones I appreciate and those are a bit hard to find. Theoretical, intellectual, passionate, open-minded people are not common _at all. _I've never been more lonely and felt like an outsider than in high school where I realized what a bunch of idiots I was surrounded by, especially other girls. Getting to college really made my day since it was so different, people actually seemed to be into intellectual thinking ^_^ Still, I feel I'm way more theoretical and intellectual than most in my field, I _love _sciences and theoretical research but others not really, they are here just for the degree, work and salary. Luckily I can focus all this passion to being a doctoral student and later a researcher, in research groups I've actually met the kind of people I consider to be like-minded individuals with me. I really enjoy it with them ^_^ It's just that it would be great to meet more people like that, there are not so many of us in our group and there are rarely any happenings organized for researchers anyway. I'd just love to have more that kind of interaction with people outside my work, I realize I'm missing out when I cannot enjoy interaction with average people for long.


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## Chaerephon (Apr 28, 2013)

No, I don't feel like that honestly. Here is the scary thing. I think I'm dumb, in fact, I _know_ I'm dumb. Yet, I am still smarter than 90% of people I meet.:shocked: This doesn't make me feel good. I'm dumb, there needs to be more people smarter than me!

Like people were saying before intelligence is relative or whatever. Well, at my job, I open and close in the same day at least once a week and get all the hours I want, not because I know things, but because I work harder than 90% of the people there and want money. I can make better music than 90% of people I have met, this isn't because I'm better, but because I practiced. I have over a 3.0 GPA right now in college (Like that shit matters) so that means I have at least above average grades and I have gotten a 4.0 there before. I am a dumby, yet I can do all this stuff others "can't." I mean I have said this before. Think about how smart the average person is, and remember half the people are dumber than that. It is pretty hard to underestimate how dumb the theoretical average person is.


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## PlacentaCake (Jun 14, 2012)

Yeah, that is a tough question. I just follow my interests and usually meet smarter people doing the things I love and going to the places I like to go.

If I notice someone is less intelligent, then I usually try to see what I can glean from them in other ways - like ideas about social skills from observing and being around them or understanding a different view point that I can apply to an area of my life. Sometimes I view being around a less intelligent person as "people practice". I think it is important for me to realize that I need to adapt more than the other person. This is the way the world works and I need to learn how to be in it.


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## Chaerephon (Apr 28, 2013)

christicake said:


> Yeah, that is a tough question. I just follow my interests and usually meet smarter people doing the things I love and going to the places I like to go.
> 
> If I notice someone is less intelligent, then I usually try to see what I can glean from them in other ways - like ideas about social skills from observing and being around them or understanding a different view point that I can apply to an area of my life. Sometimes I view being around a less intelligent person as "people practice". I think it is important for me to realize that I need to adapt more than the other person. This is the way the world works and I need to learn how to be in it.


I agree, everyone has strengths and weaknesses. Learn from yours and others. Great advice, I'm glad you shared this.

I was kind of joking about everyone being dumb when I posted above but you inspired me to emphasize the point now I was trying to make. There are places where each individual is smart and places where they are dumb. Also it is true that I know that I am dumb and kind of wonder where all the smart people went. :sad:


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## zallla (Oct 11, 2011)

Oh, and it's been so cool to find different kind of people for different "purposes"! I mean, I share certain interests with certain friends of mine and that works just beautifully ^_^ My friends are pretty smart themselves, wouldn't be with them if they weren't intelligent in certain areas, so I don't feel there's too big a gap between me and my friends. It's with people in general IRL I feel that way and it makes me feel lonely and separated and really bored there and I hate it because I'd love to interact openly in most situations. Sure I might interact but it's not the same if they do not share the same state of being.


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## PlacentaCake (Jun 14, 2012)

NameUser said:


> I agree, everyone has strengths and weaknesses. Learn from yours and others. Great advice, I'm glad you shared this.
> 
> I was kind of joking about everyone being dumb when I posted above but you inspired me to emphasize the point now I was trying to make. There are places where each individual is smart and places where they are dumb. Also it is true that I know that I am dumb and kind of wonder where all the smart people went. :sad:



You are silly. Yeah, to an _extent_ intelligence is relative, but I know there are things that people can agree are just universal signs of "dumb".  I notice you are an ENTJ - I wonder what the differences are between how you take in the world vs how I do? Ni/Te vs Te/Ni, I've never really read up about it. I have always admired ENTJs perseverance, ambition, and drive though.

I'm super rambly today. I need to get off PersC...


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## Chaerephon (Apr 28, 2013)

zallla said:


> It's with people in general IRL I feel that way and it makes me feel lonely and separated and really bored there and I hate it because I'd love to interact openly in most situations. Sure I might interact but it's not the same if they do not share the same state of being.


What helped me out a lot was getting a job in retail or food service, if you haven't had one already. I personally have learned that about 9/10 of everyone is the same and about 1/10 different. I use sales techniques to persuade conversations all them time. If I want to talk to people about what I want to talk about, sometimes I have to talk about what they talk about. I also bait and switch conversation topics. I start asking a question that don't seem like it will lead where I want it to, then ask them to share a couple answers, and ask them a question that is a little more critical to get their gears going. This is good becuase it works for short-term and long-term relationships.

Not sure if you really care, or want my advice, but I can't help but share. So sorry if you don't care lol.:kitteh:

edit: I have lost all control of grammar. :shocked:


christicake said:


> You are silly. Yeah, to an _extent_ intelligence is relative, but I know there are things that people can agree are just universal signs of "dumb".  I notice you are an ENTJ - I wonder what the differences are between how you take in the world vs how I do? Ni/Te vs Te/Ni, I've never really read up about it. I have always admired ENTJs perseverance, ambition, and drive though.
> 
> I'm super rambly today. I need to get off PersC...


Thank you. I am silly. :crazy: Yes, I've met dumb people. Also I have a good friend who is INTJ. Basically it seems I'm fact gather first, analyzer second. He seems to be analyzer first, gather second. I like to talk about a whole bunch of facts, he wants to understand the facts as they come as well as he can. Or so it appears to us when we first thought about it.... So yeah I'm rambling too. It is ok.


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## Vianna (Jul 28, 2012)

I feel the same way as you do. I am not saying I am the smartest person, but I am for sure more intelligent than average people. I also feel often lonely and have a problem to find friends, that would be at the same intelectual level. I find most of the people superficial, but anyway I found friedns and most of them have some artistic hobby. It seems that people, who have some real talent and creat original things are way much more inteligent and interesting.


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## Bardo (Dec 4, 2012)

Years and years went by without me knowing anyone who could talk about anything properly.

I've had N friends but they were so far up their asses that you couldn't get a word in edgeways and they were so convinced of their intelligence that they were unaware that they were actually too stupid to handle talking properly or absorb information of any depth. 

A lot of people, even smart people, just REPEAT the same going out and drinking their wages away evening like everyone else, sit around watching T.V all day like everyone else...


Slowly getting to know more good people, I KNOW ANOTHER INFJ NOW WOOOP. She's very cool. At least with MBTI skillz I know how to look for similar people.


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## rawrmosher (Apr 22, 2013)

This. Attitudes like this annoy the balls out of me. Does it really matter if they're super intelligent if they're nice people? People who parade around how clever they are tend to put a lot of people off purely because how annoying it is  Not to mention they tend to lack in the social department because they're too busy being arrogant to actually come down and interact with the "masses". 

I mean, I consider myself pretty intelligent, but does that stop me from interacting with everyone I feel a connection with even if they are a bit slow? I find it pretty endearing, and they tend to be great laughs as well. 

If you want to be parading around trumping your "above average intelligence" then go ahead, I'm not gonna stop you. But you can't start complaining about being lonely because of it when you refuse to try to make friends with people because they don't live up to your unrealistically high expectations >.<

I hope I didn't offend anyone with this, it wasn't meant as a personal attack or anything  I just see a lot of people around like this and it just makes me want to smack some sense into them xD.


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## Jin (May 21, 2013)

rawrmosher said:


> This. Attitudes like this annoy the balls out of me. Does it really matter if they're super intelligent if they're nice people? People who parade around how clever they are tend to put a lot of people off purely because how annoying it is  Not to mention they tend to lack in the social department because they're too busy being arrogant to actually come down and interact with the "masses".
> 
> I mean, I consider myself pretty intelligent, but does that stop me from interacting with everyone I feel a connection with even if they are a bit slow? I find it pretty endearing, and they tend to be great laughs as well.
> 
> ...


I completely agree with this. 
Being intelligent just means a person has a strong processing ability in their brains for certain things but how far can that get someone? What's a measure of intelligence? 
Is that 'intelligent" person that can memorize a ton of things and solve logical problems like there's no tomorrow any use if they completely fail at social relationships and making people respect them. In the end they will be lonely, what good is that intelligence when they aren't even smart enough to solve the issues of their loneliness when clearly no one wants to get to know them. Mutual respect is just so important because we all have different strengths, one strong aspect in someone shouldn't necessarily be valued over someone else's strong values. :C not a happy life.


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## Kormoran (Mar 15, 2012)

zallla said:


> ...it seems hard to find real-life friends who would actually be intellectually as capable, open-minded and curious.


Or, indeed, as humble.



> Ever feel this way? Thoughts? Where have you met like-minded individuals IRL?


Sort of. I don't know if I'm particularily clever, but I have more intellectual interests than my peers, and as such, I've sort of felt alone. Not necessarily lonely, but alone.


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## Octavarium (Nov 27, 2012)

zallla said:


> I really like being who I am but sometimes it makes me sad that I'm so much more intelligent than average people in real life (the improvement would be me being just as intelligent as I was and the average more intelligent). It really makes me a bit lonely at times, it seems hard to find real-life friends who would actually be intellectually as capable, open-minded and curious.
> 
> Ever feel this way? Thoughts? Where have you met like-minded individuals IRL?


This is probably just me being a bit arrogant, but the older I get the more I feel like I've been doomed to spend my life on a planet full of people who have switched their brains off. It's not that I think I'm necessarily more intelligent, but sometimes I feel like everyone else has decided not to bother thinking about anything, and yes, I'm guilty of thinking I've thought about things more deeply than most. That can be lonely sometimes, but there must be others who feel the same way.


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## Sonne (Oct 29, 2010)

Being intellectual is an approach or strategy in thought and communication. It's something which for some comes naturally, and for others is developed from practice. But it doesn't designate smarts. IQ intelligence is an individual quality. Relating to others is a matter of social dynamics and communication (SI or EQ). If you want to relate or connect with other people, then you need to remember connecting with someone is never going to be based entirely on IQ even if both of you are the two most intelligent people in the world. If you see finding a friend or potential partner through the lens of whether they can satisfy some intellectual need, then you will miss out on meeting some pretty awesome people. Some of the most extraordinarily intelligent people are not always obviously the smartest, but they're EQs/iQs are off the charts but you'll never know it because their goal or interest is not in showing or demonstrating that they are the smartest or most intelligent person in the room or finding others to live up to some high standard of intellect. They're more focused on just getting to know people, learning more about people, sharing experiences, rather than assuming they can out intellect everyone, or expecting someone to prove something to them. People want to feel comfortable being who they are with people they connect with. Sometimes, the smartest one in the room, are better listeners than debaters. They don't peacock and avoid giving the impression that they are much better or smarter than other people, a trait, which turns most people off, no matter how high their IQ.


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## Mammon (Jul 12, 2012)

Sonne said:


> Being intellectual is an approach or strategy in thought and communication. It's something which for some comes naturally, and for others is developed from practice. But it doesn't designate smarts. IQ intelligence is an individual quality. Relating to others is a matter of social dynamics and communication (SI or EQ). If you want to relate or connect with other people, then you need to remember connecting with someone is never going to be based entirely on IQ even if both of you are the two most intelligent people in the world. If you see finding a friend or potential partner through the lens of whether they can satisfy some intellectual need, then you will miss out on meeting some pretty awesome people. Some of the most extraordinarily intelligent people are not always obviously the smartest, but they're EQs/iQs are off the charts but you'll never know it because their goal or interest is not in showing or demonstrating that they are the smartest or most intelligent person in the room or finding others to live up to some high standard of intellect. They're more focused on just getting to know people, learning more about people, sharing experiences, rather than assuming they can out intellect everyone, or expecting someone to prove something to them. People want to feel comfortable being who they are with people they connect with. Sometimes, the smartest one in the room, are better listeners than debaters. They don't peacock and avoid giving the impression that they are much better or smarter than other people, a trait, which turns most people off, no matter how high their IQ.


Right fcking on. I have learned many things that made me stop and think from 'everyday' people living life and them sharing their truths with me.


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## Peripatetic (Jul 17, 2012)

Lol if you think intelligence in a person is sufficient, then you haven't met many intelligent people.


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## LibertyPrime (Dec 17, 2010)

I'm dumb as a rock and I'm still lonely!!!!


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## Echoe (Apr 23, 2012)

FreeBeer said:


> I'm dumb as a rock and I'm still lonely!!!!




I haven't had this impression of you from what I've seen of your posts.




--------------------

OP: I can (and do) buy that some people don't put as much as thought into things as others, and that some are more interested in gathering information for fun than others as well. I tend to think that when people are complaining of being too smart for everyone that there's another issue going on they're incorrectly shifting blame towards. So far I to am feeling more in-favor that you're probably mostly just not in pools of people with greater similarity of interests (including "being thoughtful") to you, so maybe try that or if you really think it's intelligence still then take zones' advice of trying to get into some kind of high-IQ league or top-ranked school, whatever.


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## LibertyPrime (Dec 17, 2010)

Echoe said:


> I haven't had this impression of you from what I've seen of your posts.


The lonely bit is true -.- and oddly enough I know plenty of ppl, have many ppl around me all the time, still...

Imo loneliness stems from lack of quality friendships or/and romantic relationships also from an inability to properly communicate with people one cares about, it is also a sign of depression. IQ can be a factor imo, however as was stated earlier it is not that significant, there are plenty of other variables that contribute imo, some more and some less significant then IQ.

A lot of relationships are just surface friendships, being nice and fair with each other, a total lack of anything deeper.


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## Sonne (Oct 29, 2010)

There is nothing wrong with wanting to find someone you can relate to intellectually. You may never find someone who matches you completely, but if you keep thinking about how different you are or how difficult it will be to find someone who fits with you, then you may be creating barriers to meeting people and developing relationships. And you have to build the kinds of relationships you want to have. When you walk around with this elevated sense of self, you're just creating more walls to separate yourselves from others. You could also be limiting your options.


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## Echoe (Apr 23, 2012)

FreeBeer said:


> The lonely bit is true -.- and oddly enough I know plenty of ppl, have many ppl around me all the time, still...
> 
> Imo loneliness stems from lack of quality friendships or/and romantic relationships also from an inability to properly communicate with people one cares about, it is also a sign of depression. IQ can be a factor imo, however as was stated earlier it is not that significant, there are plenty of other variables that contribute imo, some more and some less significant then IQ.
> 
> A lot of relationships are just surface friendships, being nice and fair with each other, a total lack of anything deeper.



I agree with this, and I also agree with @Sonne about the OP potentially causing/bolstering her lonliness with the mindset she might be carrying in regards to her intelligence as compared to others', to which your points and hers could go together.


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## Dr.Horrible (Jul 12, 2012)

zallla said:


> I really like being who I am but sometimes it makes me sad that I'm so much more intelligent than average people in real life (the improvement would be me being just as intelligent as I was and the average more intelligent). It really makes me a bit lonely at times, it seems hard to find real-life friends who would actually be intellectually as capable, open-minded and curious.
> 
> Ever feel this way? Thoughts? Where have you met like-minded individuals IRL?


the most unintelligent ,rude, lazy people i know have 5 kids and never stop having babies.we are outnumbered with stupidity in this world


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## psych9000 (May 14, 2013)

I think it definitely comes down to interests not intelligence. Also, when you say intelligence do you mean academically or more so the factor of common sense. I know people who are academically just as intelligent as me but they lack common sense and i cant stand to be around them. Yet there are people i also know who academically terrible but i still consider very wise and actually go to for advice and enjoy conversations with them immensely


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