# Your honest opinion?



## Pianoasis (Nov 10, 2011)

Is my mother an asshole?

Dialogue:
Mom "Do you wanna go to a Hanukkah party?"
Me "No that sounds random and weird"
Mom "You have to do random stuff, everything is random" (I am a firm believer in that there is an underlying and high purpose to the universe and everything that happens in it. This upset me.)
Me "Everything is not random"
Mom "Yea well I got some random food in the fridge that you can put in the random microwave" (just purposely mocking my beliefs)
Me "It's not random"
Mom "It is until you actually get up and notice it" (At this point she reveals that she lives her life by some sort of firm belief in Schroedinger's Cat theory while simultaneously implying I don't notice things.)
Me "You mean the chicken and macaroni?"
Mom "Oh, you saw it?"
Me "It wouldn't even be random because you chose it with some sort of forethought"
Mom [says some stuff trying to make getting food from a grocery store sound like an epic and random journey]
Me "You chose it because you know I like macaroni and chicken. How is that random?"
(At this point I have defeated her and now she resorts to escape tactics)
Mom "Why are you taking this so seriously I was just saying you should go to the party."
(She pairs her escape with subtle belittlement by saying I'm taking it too seriously. Usually this goes over my head)
Me "No, you actually said everything is random"
Mom "No I said you should do random stuff, quit taking it so seriously"
Me "No you said everything is random and, you know what, that upset me"
(She starts laughing. Seriously she starts laughing at my feelings. What the fuck.)
Me "Are you seriously laughing at me?"

I'm gonna go ahead and stop it there but honestly the cunning and subtlety in which she tries to impose her opinions and judgements upon me in a disrespectful way is astonishing. I'm only just now catching on to it because naturally I like to believe my mother cares about my thoughts and feelings but I'm slowly learning this is not the case. Once in 7th grade I told her I was contemplating suicide. She said everyone feels that way. I could have died. Knowing that my mom literally pushed me closer to death angers me a lot.


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## Aya the Abysswalker (Mar 23, 2012)

I think you two need to sit down and have a serious talk.


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## Bassmasterzac (Jun 6, 2014)

Honestly that sounds like a conversation I would have with somebody. To me, it sounds like she's just teasing you and you're sensitive. Maybe she gets off on messing with people like I do.

If you're really offended by that (I don't think you should be), tell her she offended your views, you're sensitive about it, and you'd appreciate it if she didn't mock you. 

PS: I didn't read the last part until now. She definitely sounds like me. She's a callous, insensitive person and most likely doesn't take much seriously at all. I'm not saying it's a defect, that's just the way it is.

Why would you say she pushed you closer to death? Do you always blame other people for your problems? You should stop being so sensitive. But, I'm NOT saying that her ignoring your suicide comment to be justified, even though I could understand that a 7th grade child is most likely just being dramatic about it. Not everyone is perfect.

I'm not trying to sound like an asshole here, so don't take offense.


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## TurtleQueen (Nov 8, 2014)

Do you think your mom had any idea of how seriously you took the idea of an underlying, high purpose to the universe and events? If she had no idea of your beliefs, she could have been confused and reacted badly. I'm really not sure why your mom felt the need to argue that everything is random. Maybe she was trying to make a joke about being "random" and thought that she was being funny.

The suicide thing does sound like a very serious issue. If you tried to seriously tell your mom that you were feeling suicidal, she shouldn't have said something that could have made that issue seem like something that didn't matter to her. I agree with @Jetstream Aya that you do need to have a serious talk with your mom.


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## Pianoasis (Nov 10, 2011)

@Bassmasterzac I know im sensitive. But honestly, if your kid says he's been contemplating suicide, you talk to them. She didn't. She shrugged it off as me being stupid so instead of feeling less depressed I just felt depressed, alone, and hated myself. I still feel this way to an extent. I just want her out of my life she constantly causes me pain.


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## Pianoasis (Nov 10, 2011)

@TurtleQueen I know my mom well and she was being serious about the randomness. It's the first time it occurred to me but I think she's built her entire philosophy around randomness. She's also constantly consumed by her ego and I just worry about her, I know that's not a fun way to live. 

And @Jetstream Aya honestly I'm terrified of having a real conversation with her. My mother scares me. If she has an opinion to defend she'll go straight for the other person's heart. I can't take arguing with her, it's really painful.


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## Aya the Abysswalker (Mar 23, 2012)

Pianoasis said:


> nd @_Jetstream Aya_ honestly I'm terrified of having a real conversation with her. My mother scares me. If she has an opinion to defend she'll go straight for the other person's heart. I can't take arguing with her, it's really painful.


If you don't talk to her things will be the same way, whatever you're scared or not. I think you also need to respect the fact that she believes that things are random, and not go against her and have an argument over the use of the word random. That's a pretty stupid thing to fight over.
I still think you need to talk her. Facing your fear of her will help you throughout life.


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## Aya the Abysswalker (Mar 23, 2012)

Pianoasis said:


> @_Bassmasterzac_ I know im sensitive. But honestly, if your kid says he's been contemplating suicide, you talk to them. She didn't. She shrugged it off as me being stupid so instead of feeling less depressed I just felt depressed, alone, and hated myself. I still feel this way to an extent. I just want her out of my life she constantly causes me pain.


Probably she thought you weren't serious because: 1. she believes you're stronger than that
2. she thinks you're blackmailing her emotionally
If she really thought you would do it, she wouldn't just shrugged it off. Have to talk seriously about how you feel?


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## LittleHawk (Feb 15, 2011)

You clearly have a lot of underlying issues with her according to your responses here. 

However, based on that one conversation.. I don't think she was (or was intentionally trying to be) an asshole.


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## LittleHawk (Feb 15, 2011)

You clearly have a lot of underlying issues with her according to your responses here. 

However, based on that one conversation.. I don't think she was (or was intentionally trying to be) an asshole.


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## ScientiaOmnisEst (Oct 2, 2013)

This is toxic. Cutting her out of your life is your best option. I have a painfully similar relationship with my mother and plan on doing just that (the suicide anecdote was particularly noteworthy - while I wasn't suicidal, I was depressed and had abysmal self-esteem around 11-12. I tried to talk to my mother about it. She told me to stop complaining and fishing for compliments, that I don't know what real depression is and everyone feels that way at my age so stop being so dramatic. So I stopped coming to her with any serious emotional problem, and now am seeing the effects of it 8-9 years later).

You can try talking, but honestly I wouldn't expect much out of it. This looks like someone who doesn't take you seriously and I don't see why having a sit-down heart-to-heart will change that. You can try though.


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## Pianoasis (Nov 10, 2011)

You know @Jetstream Aya , I'm gonna be completely honest here. I just want someone to talk to and share thoughts and feelings with. I have never had that, no one is close enough to me. Is it wrong for me to look to my mom for that? I don't think I would've ever killed myself, but I was really badly depressed and had no one to talk to. I feel like people just hate me. They like me when I say funny things and make jokes but when it comes to talking one on one they just run away. 

Being funny is easy, in fact it gets boring, but when I suddenly stopped joking around everyone walked away.


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## Aya the Abysswalker (Mar 23, 2012)

Pianoasis said:


> You know @_Jetstream Aya_ , I'm gonna be completely honest here. I just want someone to talk to and share thoughts and feelings with. I have never had that, no one is close enough to me. Is it wrong for me to look to my mom for that?


No, it's not. However, parents don't always understands us, we need to explain them our thoughts and feelings and sometimes they never learn to accept them due to idealization or because they love us too much and want to protect us. In addition, they're from a different generation.
We need to take that in consideration.

I think you need a friend above all.



> I don't think I would've ever killed myself, but I was really badly depressed and had no one to talk to.


Have you tried therapy? People say it helps a great deal.



> I feel like people just hate me.


Why do they hate you? Is it the way you act? Your personality? Have they told you this?



> They like me when I say funny things and make jokes but when it comes to talking one on one they just run away.


They're not your friends, then, they just think you're a funny guy.



> Being funny is easy, in fact it gets boring, but when I suddenly stopped joking around everyone walked away.


Being funny isn't easy, it's an escape from your own self-hate and lack of confidence. It's a way to make people laugh with you rather than laughing at you. The funniest ones are the ones hiding the greatest pain.


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## TurtleQueen (Nov 8, 2014)

@ScientiaOmnisEst

I recommended that @Pianoasis have a serious talk with his mother if he thought the relationship with his mother could still be salvaged. If he decides to talk to her, I would recommend that he bring up serious issues of how her behavior has hurt him (such as the suicide issue) in an assertive way. I guess this ultimately comes down to his comfort level. If he feels he can't have a serious talk with her, the best option would be to just avoid conflictual interactions with her as much as possible and recognize that his mom won't change.

If I were the OP, I would avoid trying to get into some argument about how things are random or not random with his mom since she clearly has a different opinion on that issue. The OP could just say that he didn't feel like going to the party since he didn't think it would be fun.


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## bluekitdon (Dec 19, 2012)

Pianoasis said:


> Is my mother an asshole?
> 
> Dialogue:
> Mom "Do you wanna go to a Hanukkah party?"
> ...


No your mom isn't an asshole at least not the way I see this as a parent myself. She wanted you to go to the party, the rest of the conversation was just her responding to your objections, she didn't realize the random thing was a serious subject for you.

The suicide thing, she never believed that you would carry through with it so she brushed it off. The vast majority of people do at least consider something like that at some point in their lives, she probably did when she was a kid and just wrote it off as you being overly dramatic. Unfortunately that is the all too common response, most people who threaten suicide never carry through with it, but those that do almost everyone around realizes that they saw the warning signs but never took them seriously (I've personally been through that with a friend and a nephew). I hope you aren't even considering that anymore and have realized that you're really just starting your life at this point. If you are then you need to press your parents for counseling.

Have a straight conversation with her about all of this is my recommendation. Maybe even show her this thread.


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## Pianoasis (Nov 10, 2011)

Jetstream Aya said:


> They're not your friends, then, they just think you're a funny guy.


That means I've never had any friends. That feels bad to admit.


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## Aya the Abysswalker (Mar 23, 2012)

Pianoasis said:


> That means I've never had any friends. That feels bad to admit.


I don't know that. Only you can know. Only you can charm people into being your friends.


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## Pianoasis (Nov 10, 2011)

Jetstream Aya said:


> I don't know that. Only you can know. Only you can charm people into being your friends.


I overreacted. I have one real friend. I'm bad at being human.


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## Bassmasterzac (Jun 6, 2014)

Pianoasis said:


> @Bassmasterzac I know im sensitive. But honestly, if your kid says he's been contemplating suicide, you talk to them. She didn't. She shrugged it off as me being stupid so instead of feeling less depressed I just felt depressed, alone, and hated myself. I still feel this way to an extent. I just want her out of my life she constantly causes me pain.


Sounds like you've been holding a bitter grudge all these years. Follow Jetstream's advice.


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## Du Toit (Mar 2, 2014)

I'd say you actually are the asshole. By ''random'' she meant that you don't really know what's in the fridge -at the moment- you're talking, until you open it. You could say that you do, based on what you saw in it earlier on, failing to realize that someone could've came by, some time later and taken something out of the fridge. 

In other words, you can't really be sure the party will be weird (because you are basing this judgment on preconceived idea you have of the party), until you are there.


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