# So Stupid: Every Time I Try to Change, I Get a Headache?



## stormy (Jul 7, 2011)

Whenever I try to enact change into my life, I resist it. At night, everything makes sense and I feel in control of things, but during the day, when it counts, I fall right back into my traps. I get so obsessed with thinking a certain way, that when I actually put forth the effort to change my mindset, I get a headache. 

I don't know what to do with myself. I just want to cry it all out, but all I get is the ugly face when I try. I feel so much pressure from my family, from myself. I feel like the supporting actress in everyone else's life but mine. I don't even have a life. :| 

I _*hate*_ my job. 
I _*hate*_ my major. 
I _*hate*_ that I do this to myself, most of all. 

I'm always so stressed about doing the right thing and who's gonna be upset by it and blah blah blah. I want to stop doing that. 

Please, if you have it, drop some wisdom on me. How do I accept change? How do I invest in myself what I invest in everyone else? How do I stop worrying about whether I'm doing the right thing all the time?

All I wanna do right now is sleep --__-- I'm sooo mentally spent.



Thank you.


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## DustyDrill (May 20, 2011)

Considering advice from others is fine, but you're the one who has to live your life. If you're having issues changing the things you hate, you're most likely doing so to avoid disappointed looks or comments from your family and friends. Fuck them. It's easy for them to say "Just stick it out, you'll be fine." because they aren't the ones hating their situations, and if they are, they're dumb.

Life is too short to dislike it. It's better to delay success for something you love, than achieve success doing something you hate. Sacrificing happiness for success only brings happiness for the 3 weeks you take for vacation per year. And that's fucking sad.

The right thing is what makes you happy. If you're miserable, you're doing it wrong.


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## Obsidean (Mar 24, 2010)

Heh, you remind me of me a few years back.

The only advice I can give you is to get professional help. I did and now I'm living the life I _want._ Try it, I mean what else do you have to lose?


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## funcoolname (Sep 17, 2011)

We have to love/help and be healthy ourselves before we can balance the needs of others. I have been getting family pressure about my future, I think my mom wants me to be a psychologist or something just more traditional and service oriented than I'd like. But if I know stuff will make me unhappy in long run really, it's best to bow out and follow what I want, because what good am I to ANYONE, including others if I'm not happy? What kind of advice could I give clients as a therapist if I wasn't happy? What kind of person would I be if I came home unhappy every day only to take it out on my family (whenever/if I have one)? When it comes to career choices etc a good quote to keep in mind is this one by Howard Thurman: "Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."


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## stormy (Jul 7, 2011)

DustyDrill said:


> If you're having issues changing the things you hate, you're most likely doing so to avoid disappointed looks or comments from your family and friends.


that's exactly why i'm doing it. 



> Fuck them. It's easy for them to say "Just stick it out, you'll be fine." because they aren't the ones hating their situations, and if they are, they're dumb.


yes.



> Life is too short to dislike it. It's better to delay success for something you love, than achieve success doing something you hate. Sacrificing happiness for success only brings happiness for the 3 weeks you take for vacation per year. And that's fucking sad.
> 
> The right thing is what makes you happy. If you're miserable, you're doing it wrong.


thank you. i always think i know this stuff, but i rly don't. i mean if i did, would i be second guessing myself with every step i take? 
~~~



Obsidean said:


> Heh, you remind me of me a few years back.
> 
> The only advice I can give you is to get professional help. I did and now I'm living the life I _want._ Try it, I mean what else do you have to lose?


lol, i've been getting professional help off and on for 2 years. it wasn't always quality professional help, or maybe i just wasn't as willing to change as i felt i was. 

hehe, what do i have to lose? absolutely nothing!! 

glad ur living the life you want. :tongue:
~~~


funcoolname said:


> We have to love/help and be healthy ourselves before we can balance the needs of others. I have been getting family pressure about my future, I think my mom wants me to be a psychologist or something just more traditional and service oriented than I'd like. But if I know stuff will make me unhappy in long run really, it's best to bow out and follow what I want, because what good am I to ANYONE, including others if I'm not happy? What kind of advice could I give clients as a therapist if I wasn't happy? What kind of person would I be if I came home unhappy every day only to take it out on my family (whenever/if I have one)? When it comes to career choices etc a good quote to keep in mind is this one by Howard Thurman: "Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."


OMG this is the kind of stuff i think about!! i'm always thinking about how i want to be an example to other ppl (i…i don't know where this comes from, it's very silly and stoo-pid) or just different from other people…but i was *just* thinking today, what the hell good am i if i'm miserable doing this?! how am i helping anyone!!? 

everything you said were things i tell myself everyday… but what really matters is me walking the walk. 

your quote was a godsend. i love it so much. thank you. 

now i just gotta learn how to walk…but i gotta crawl first, for a lil bit, you know, build my way up.

and you're spot on when you say i need to be my healthy self before i balance out the needs of others… ugh man, that really hit me. i don't even like helping others as far as service goes, i just want my life to be a message of "you're fine as you are"…well i need to just be me then…and i rly need to quit trying to change the world at this stage in my life. i'm gonna go crazier that way.


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## hermitsmoores (Mar 13, 2011)

the life is yours...not theirs. 

you have to do what you need to do to make you happy and not do things to make other people happy. live your life how you want it to live. make your own decisions and live and die by those decisions...if it was a bad decision, own up to it and take responsibility for it...if it is good, it'll be the best feeling in the world.

stop worry about what other people think what is best for you....it seems that they don't know you at all, and you know yourself the best. you know what is good for you. if you want to change your major, change it. nothing worse than being forced to study/do something you don't want to do. you'll hate it and end up being spiteful to the people that forced you to do it. 

one of the biggest lessons i've learned in my life is that it is OK to disappoint, hurt, people because you are doing what is right for you. you can't make everyone happy all the time. if they want you to do something you don't want to do, or something that goes against what you believe or your values, fuck them. don't do it. if they are hurt? let them be hurt? why do you care? 

again, no one can be happy about all of your decisions...the only person who's feelings you should consider is your own.


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## stormy (Jul 7, 2011)

My problem is that I feel guilty; I feel like I owe them (my parents). But I will recognize that guilt when I feel it and let myself know that it's stupid. I don't owe anyone my life, that's crazy. 

From now on, it'll be, "I'm sorry that you feel that way," not "let me change so you don't feel that way." Why do I care about how they feel in the first place? Because I was conditioned to put their feelings first, particularly my dad's. And then that slowly translated into, "put everyone else in the entire world's feelings' first, because you don't even matter." 

I really feel like I don't matter, but I realize that I do that by neglecting myself completely. I decide if I matter or not, if my voice is gonna get heard, if I'm going to follow my dreams. I need to use my freakin' backbone. It's definitely there, but not always exercised. 

I take 100% responsibility. 



hermitsmoores said:


> stop worry about what other people think what is best for you....it seems that they don't know you at all, and you know yourself the best. you know what is good for you.


i like that you gleaned (i hate that word) that from what i wrote, because they really don't now that i think of it.



> one of the biggest lessons i've learned in my life is that it is OK to disappoint, hurt, people because you are doing what is right for you. you can't make everyone happy all the time.


thank you. it is ok. 

i appreciate what you wrote. i'm happy i asked this question; it's all been making me sick for months now.


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## hermitsmoores (Mar 13, 2011)

stormy said:


> My problem is that I feel guilty; I feel like I owe them (my parents). But I will recognize that guilt when I feel it and let myself know that it's stupid. I don't owe anyone my life, that's crazy.
> 
> From now on, it'll be, "I'm sorry that you feel that way," not "let me change so you don't feel that way." Why do I care about how they feel in the first place? Because I was conditioned to put their feelings first, particularly my dad's. And then that slowly translated into, "put everyone else in the entire world's feelings' first, because you don't even matter."
> 
> ...


Well, i do hope things get better for you and that you do stand up for what you think is right for you. 

thanks.


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## AussieChick (Dec 27, 2010)

You sound very much like an ISFJ personality type,I'm one and I feel exactly as you do.I can't stand change and am always putting other peoples needs ahead of mine.I am always trying to please other people and stressing about everything,and I get headaches too.

I am really trying to change myself and don't want to have to feel guilty all of the time about how my decisions affect others.I still consider my soon to be ex husbands feelings after more than 10 years separation,we will be divorced in less than a month and I'm stressing about having to move out of the home I have lived in for 18 years.

It's a hard road to travel I know, and the only advice I can give is to do what you feel is best for you.You might step on other peoples toes and they won't like it but it is your life to live not theirs.I wasted too much of my life giving in to others demands and constraints.But not any more!!!


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## stormy (Jul 7, 2011)

I'm glad you're changing it all around! That's awesome, now make sure you stick with it through thick and thin! That's my challenge…deciding to take control and then shying away from it, or doubting it, when the going gets rough. Best to you. <3 

(I've played around with the idea of me being an ISFJ but I don't rly know. I don't think I'm going to know my true personality type for a long time. I'm still trying to sort through my parents' intense emotional/mental chokehold; from my mom purposely sabotaging my childhood happiness repeatedly or my dad shaking me for doing things wrong…stuff like that. I have a ways to go. I don't know. )


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## mushr00m (May 23, 2011)

The best bit of advice I can give is direct advice in that if you don't go through the pain to make change, you are going to be stuck in the same way of life this time in a few years and thats the truth. So basically, no pain, no gain. When you next go through one of these resistant behaviours which basically means your mind is not used to change because you havn't exercised it, its like whe you go for a run when you havn't been on a run for years, its hard and your body will try and resist. Can I ask you when you next go through one of these headches, use it as an opportunity to implement change, when you are experiencing resistance, that is the best time to carry out the things you need to change in your life, its called exposure and the more you expose yourself to change, the less painful it will be. There are no quick solutions, just pure practise. Start with small things you can change and you will find that small changes help pave the way for bigger changes in your life.


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## stormy (Jul 7, 2011)

Rachael Trilby said:


> The best bit of advice I can give is direct advice in that if you don't go through the pain to make change, you are going to be stuck in the same way of life this time in a few years and thats the truth. So basically, no pain, no gain. When you next go through one of these resistant behaviours which basically means your mind is not used to change because you havn't exercised it, its like whe you go for a run when you havn't been on a run for years, its hard and your body will try and resist. Can I ask you when you next go through one of these headches, use it as an opportunity to implement change, when you are experiencing resistance, that is the best time to carry out the things you need to change in your life, its called exposure and the more you expose yourself to change, the less painful it will be. There are no quick solutions, just pure practise. Start with small things you can change and you will find that small changes help pave the way for bigger changes in your life.


i will keep this all in mind.
pain is necessary to go through in this case. i have lots of it, but i'm happy it's there because it makes me feel like "me" again. not in a sick way, but it's more like i "feel" what i've been hiding for a long time and there's no more masquerading it. 
i liked that you mentioned exposure; it's definitely key to me getting through this. 

yesterday, i did a lot of exposure. i spent some time in nature, rather than up in my room napping. i sang and danced to music, as opposed to lip-singing in my bed. i went ahead and worked on a school project, rather than procrastinating. then i went to work for the evening. by 7pm, i was totally exhausted and felt sick, maybe i overworked myself mentally/emotionally. but before that, it felt really good to be me again.


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## mushr00m (May 23, 2011)

stormy said:


> i will keep this all in mind.
> pain is necessary to go through in this case. i have lots of it, but i'm happy it's there because it makes me feel like "me" again. not in a sick way, but it's more like i "feel" what i've been hiding for a long time and there's no more masquerading it.
> i liked that you mentioned exposure; it's definitely key to me getting through this.
> 
> yesterday, i did a lot of exposure. i spent some time in nature, rather than up in my room napping. i sang and danced to music, as opposed to lip-singing in my bed. i went ahead and worked on a school project, rather than procrastinating. then i went to work for the evening. by 7pm, i was totally exhausted and felt sick, maybe i overworked myself mentally/emotionally. but before that, it felt really good to be me again.


Thats brill news, good for you hun)) Give yourself a pat on the back, reward yourself with something nice. I'm glad that my post makes sense to you, you sound motivated and thats a good sign. And don't beat yourself if you do happen to fall back into a slump, just pick up again where you left off and carry on. Think of the end result/reward. Its bound to feel quite tiring, after all, you have exercised parts of your brain that has gone a little rusty. It also sound like you are already reaping the rewards of your hard work and there will be more rewards to come. Keep us posted here to how your getting on if you fancy. I wish you all the best on your journey.


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## DiaphinisedBat (Jul 21, 2011)

Just remember that you have so, so many years ahead of you. You can try so, so many different things and succeed and fail so many times. Try little steps, like you said, spend time outside and sing and dance! Think of it like mental workouts- sure, you may be drained from sensory and mental overload for a little while, but it will become way easier over time. You only get one life, and hopefully those people you're trying to please will be happy _for_ you once they see how happy you are to be living the way you feel comfortable. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. You can always try something else, but "you'll never know if you don't try" and all that jazz! :tongue:


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## stormy (Jul 7, 2011)

Rachael Trilby said:


> Thats brill news, good for you hun)) Give yourself a pat on the back, reward yourself with something nice. I'm glad that my post makes sense to you, you sound motivated and thats a good sign. And don't beat yourself if you do happen to fall back into a slump, just pick up again where you left off and carry on. Think of the end result/reward. Its bound to feel quite tiring, after all, you have exercised parts of your brain that has gone a little rusty. It also sound like you are already reaping the rewards of your hard work and there will be more rewards to come. Keep us posted here to how your getting on if you fancy. I wish you all the best on your journey.


Thank you so much for your support. It's so very appreciated, it really is. I did fall into a slump for like a day b/c I was really stressed with school…but it's relieving to know that a slump is just a slump, and wanting to move forward in spite of that is what's important. I gotta focus on the end result. Thank you. 



DiaphinisedBat said:


> Just remember that you have so, so many years ahead of you. You can try so, so many different things and succeed and fail so many times. Try little steps, like you said, spend time outside and sing and dance! Think of it like mental workouts- sure, you may be drained from sensory and mental overload for a little while, but it will become way easier over time. You only get one life, and hopefully those people you're trying to please will be happy _for_ you once they see how happy you are to be living the way you feel comfortable. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. You can always try something else, but "you'll never know if you don't try" and all that jazz! :tongue:


True. Ah, this is a weird feeling: it all seems so daunting but, at the same time, I know I can do it and that I want to do it. I just gotta keep doing those mental workouts, taking those chances, allowing myself to see my life in a whole new way. I told my therapist it feels like the lost city of Atlantis is inside me…like there's aspects of me that are either forgotten or not discovered yet. 

Thank you. I forgot that I don't have to succeed at EVERYTHING, I can fail sometimes too and that's not always a bad thing - it doesn't make or break me as a person. 

Hopefully, they will be happy that I'm living the way I want; that'd be truly touching, special and appreciated if they did. But if not, I'll just have to get over it and maybe find someone who will. I only get one life.  

Thank you!


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## ficsci (May 4, 2011)

stormy said:


> Whenever I try to enact change into my life, I resist it. At night, everything makes sense and I feel in control of things, but during the day, when it counts, I fall right back into my traps. I get so obsessed with thinking a certain way, that when I actually put forth the effort to change my mindset, I get a headache.
> 
> I don't know what to do with myself. I just want to cry it all out, but all I get is the ugly face when I try. I feel so much pressure from my family, from myself. I feel like the supporting actress in everyone else's life but mine. I don't even have a life. :|
> 
> ...


You sound like you're clinically depressed.

You know, wanting to sleep, being mentally exhausted because you can't stop thinking about negative things, being pessimistic about the future, wanting to cry, being anxious.

Have you tried seeing a therapist/psychologist/counselor.


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## stormy (Jul 7, 2011)

Yes, I see a therapist and I've told him everything…all of my therapists have seen it as anxiety, and this one does too. :/ Though I understand that anxiety and depression are sometimes considered two faces of the same thing. I'm definitely depressed :/ … definitely anxious … hmm, looks like both!! fun times lol … 

How does a person know if they have clinical depression vs coping w/ losing their innocence after realizing certain things about their family/friends/life/childhood? I have to ask, just for personal opinions, of course (I know a doctor would be best certified to answer).

I don't like diagnoses so much. I've been on meds before, don't want to go on them again and the therapist I've been seeing for 3 months hasn't suggested I see a psychiatrist. I do understand that I'm not in the greatest place right now and it can get a whole lot worse easily…and that's scary. Gradually then suddenly, you know. :C


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## funcoolname (Sep 17, 2011)

stormy said:


> Yes, I see a therapist and I've told him everything…all of my therapists have seen it as anxiety, and this one does too. :/ Though I understand that anxiety and depression are sometimes considered two faces of the same thing. I'm definitely depressed :/ … definitely anxious … hmm, looks like both!! fun times lol …
> 
> How does a person know if they have clinical depression vs coping w/ losing their innocence after realizing certain things about their family/friends/life/childhood? I have to ask, just for personal opinions, of course (I know a doctor would be best certified to answer).
> 
> I don't like diagnoses so much. I've been on meds before, don't want to go on them again and the therapist I've been seeing for 3 months hasn't suggested I see a psychiatrist. I do understand that I'm not in the greatest place right now and it can get a whole lot worse easily…and that's scary. Gradually then suddenly, you know. :C


It's good you can recognize where you're at emotionally, it means you can take steps to turn it around  I think clinical depression is a biopsychosocial type of disease more than anything. So you may have genes that predispose you, but it is really triggered by the events in your life and how you deal with them and choose to think about them. Finding the right lifestyle, friends, thought patterns that are healthy for you, taking action in your life and believing that you have control (because you do), can make all the difference. One thing I see in depressed people (seeing a therapist or not) is that they don't believe they have any control, which is not true. No one has absolute control over everything, but there is always something to be done, even if it's just to change your perspective. 

"...between stimulus and response there is a space. That space represents our choice— how we will choose to respond to any given situation, person, thought or event. Imagine a pause button between stimulus and response—a button you can engage to pause and think about what is the principle-based response to your given situation." -Stephen Covey


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## stormy (Jul 7, 2011)

funcoolname said:


> It's good you can recognize where you're at emotionally, it means you can take steps to turn it around  I think clinical depression is a biopsychosocial type of disease more than anything. So you may have genes that predispose you, but it is really triggered by the events in your life and how you deal with them and choose to think about them. Finding the right lifestyle, friends, thought patterns that are healthy for you, taking action in your life and believing that you have control (because you do), can make all the difference. One thing I see in depressed people (seeing a therapist or not) is that they don't believe they have any control, which is not true. No one has absolute control over everything, but there is always something to be done, even if it's just to change your perspective.
> 
> "...between stimulus and response there is a space. That space represents our choice— how we will choose to respond to any given situation, person, thought or event. Imagine a pause button between stimulus and response—a button you can engage to pause and think about what is the principle-based response to your given situation." -Stephen Covey


i like how you described clinical depression and how it happens. that makes sense to me. now i can note where i made unhealthy decisions before and picture solutions now. 

i just remembered something…my mom's brother has schizophrenia (they say it was drug related…) and my mom's sister has clinical depression. my dad and his brother are both recovering alcoholics. a lot of my family on my dad's side are/were alcoholics and my first cousin on my dad's side has paranoid schizophrenia. this all makes me really anxious…i kinda have mental health hypochondria. i really can make myself be afraid of anything :|. my family history, although not necessarily indicative of my future, is one my motivators for getting and staying healthy…sometimes my anxiety about it gets out of control though. 

i know i said before that i don't like diagnoses, but it's because they feel so cold and clinical to me... or maybe that's because of my past treatment experience ("you have this, now take this"). i often felt more like a label than a person. however, i do like how there' a line between me and the disorder. it's like seeing my "symptoms" objectively and this makes me happy because sometimes i take my feelings really personally and trust them even when they shouldn't be trusted. ugh, that really does my head in!!! 

I LOVE your quote. it's like a gift to me, something i'll use as a reminder. 

thank you!


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## funcoolname (Sep 17, 2011)

stormy said:


> i like how you described clinical depression and how it happens. that makes sense to me. now i can note where i made unhealthy decisions before and picture solutions now.
> 
> i just remembered something…my mom's brother has schizophrenia (they say it was drug related…) and my mom's sister has clinical depression. my dad and his brother are both recovering alcoholics. a lot of my family on my dad's side are/were alcoholics and my first cousin on my dad's side has paranoid schizophrenia. this all makes me really anxious…i kinda have mental health hypochondria. i really can make myself be afraid of anything :|. my family history, although not necessarily indicative of my future, is one my motivators for getting and staying healthy…sometimes my anxiety about it gets out of control though.
> 
> ...


I know what you mean about diagnoses. Don't pay attention to the list of symptoms or why you may or may not have depression. What matters is that you're unhappy. Depression is just a label for what happens when something in your life needs to change.


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## stormy (Jul 7, 2011)

Cool. I know I've said thank you way too much but…thank you.


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