# How do I get an Enneagram 2 to leave me alone (Enneagram 5)?



## Airess3 (Oct 14, 2014)

Without making them feel rejected. I have an enneagram 2 friend and he always needs reassurance for some reason. Every time we spend time together, I always have to detach so I can get into my thinking space so I think of what to say next and sometimes it's a bit slow but he takes it as "I dislike him/don't want to talk to him." and he feels terrible. Then he just clings on and gets needy for my attention. It's suffocating and annoying. He's always hyper-aware of the emotional atmosphere as well. So when I start thinking, he feels like I'm giving him the cold shoulder but that just makes me withdraw more because I can't think. I've told him I need my space to think but he doesn't believe me and thinks I'm going to stop talking to him all together or some other crazy thought that I'm not aware of. What should I do? I need him to leave me alone for a while when I'm thinking and not get all demanding for attention because he feels rejected.


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## periwinklepromise (Jan 26, 2015)

The only way I've succeeded in getting a 2 to leave me alone was to reject them like hell. It's the only way they will ever back off. 2s do not respect boundaries; they are 2s. You want him to leave you alone but you don't want to actually reject him. That's not gonna happen; he won't do it himself - he's a 2, and a _guy_. The odds of him magically deciding to respect a) your boundaries, b) your desires, and c) your damn self are not great. 

You can either be cruel to him and finally be free, or you can be kind/neutral until you're smothered to death by him. Figure out what you want, and go for it.

_note: I am eternally pissed off at 2s as a concept_


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## kaleidoscope (Jan 19, 2012)

periwinklepromise said:


> 2s do not respect boundaries; they are 2s.
> 
> _note: I am eternally pissed off at 2s as a concept_


Stereotypes. What part of the 2 fixation makes them less likely to respect boundaries? That has nothing to do with the type and more to do with the individual and their health level. I'm tired of 2s being essentially a dump for terrible qualities that could very well belong to literally any other type. 

Anyway OP, I'm pretty sure I'm a 2w3 and I will respect boundaries when they are set up. This sounds like a slightly unhealthy and insecure individual, but try to communicate with them. Explain that you detaching to think does not mean you stopped caring, and just let him know upfront that you need time for yourself at times.


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## Airess3 (Oct 14, 2014)

kaleidoscope said:


> Stereotypes. What part of the 2 fixation makes them less likely to respect boundaries? That has nothing to do with the type and more to do with the individual and their health level. I'm tired of 2s being essentially a dump for terrible qualities that could very well belong to literally any other type.
> 
> Anyway OP, I'm pretty sure I'm a 2w3 and I will respect boundaries when they are set up. This sounds like a slightly unhealthy and insecure individual, but try to communicate with them. Explain that you detaching to think does not mean you stopped caring, and just let him know upfront that you need time for yourself at times.


I have but he doesn't believe me. I think he's so insecure about himself that he always sees the worst in situations.


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## Animal (May 29, 2012)

Airess3 said:


> I have but he doesn't believe me. I think he's so insecure about himself that he always sees the worst in situations.


If you feel so clausterphobic around him and feel he only sees the worst and can't listen, why be around him at all? It would be _you_ who has boundary issues, not _him_, if you are not asserting your boundaries with him... or if he won't respect your boundaries and you still hang out with him.


It's most important to look at _ourselves_ in these situations. Your idea of the 2 having no boundaries is a projection. Even if you are right about him, your lack of boundaries is clear in your posts... and _you_ are the only person you can control. So I would recommend working on yourself. Assert yourself. If he won't listen, drop him.


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## stormgirl (May 21, 2013)

periwinklepromise said:


> The only way I've succeeded in getting a 2 to leave me alone was to reject them like hell. It's the only way they will ever back off. 2s do not respect boundaries; they are 2s. You want him to leave you alone but you don't want to actually reject him. That's not gonna happen; he won't do it himself - he's a 2, and a _guy_. The odds of him magically deciding to respect a) your boundaries, b) your desires, and c) your damn self are not great.
> 
> You can either be cruel to him and finally be free, or you can be kind/neutral until you're smothered to death by him. Figure out what you want, and go for it.
> 
> _note: I am eternally pissed off at 2s as a concept_


Not only do I respect boundaries, I am the one in relationships who continually has to reinforce them against others who are clingy. 

No one has ever had to reject me to get a point across, let alone ask me to leave them alone. If I even get a hint that someone is not interested in my friendship, I have already walked away.

Clearly you have dealt with a very unhealthy 2, and now have the notion that they speak for everyone.

I’ve had bad experiences with almost every type including other INFJs.

It’s not about the type, it’s the person. An unhealthy person, no matter what their type, is going to be unpleasant to deal with or be around!


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## stormgirl (May 21, 2013)

Airess3 said:


> Without making them feel rejected. I have an enneagram 2 friend and he always needs reassurance for some reason. Every time we spend time together, I always have to detach so I can get into my thinking space so I think of what to say next and sometimes it's a bit slow but he takes it as "I dislike him/don't want to talk to him." and he feels terrible. Then he just clings on and gets needy for my attention. It's suffocating and annoying. He's always hyper-aware of the emotional atmosphere as well. So when I start thinking, he feels like I'm giving him the cold shoulder but that just makes me withdraw more because I can't think. I've told him I need my space to think but he doesn't believe me and thinks I'm going to stop talking to him all together or some other crazy thought that I'm not aware of. What should I do? I need him to leave me alone for a while when I'm thinking and not get all demanding for attention because he feels rejected.


As I stated in my previous post, I don’t see this as a type issue.

When someone is being clingy, you need to clearly state your feelings about it. If they are taking it personally, getting pouty, etc., they are likely not only emotionally unhealthy but immature as well. To be honest, I think walking away from someone like that is usually what’s needed.

A reasonable person will understand when someone else needs time to themselves, and won’t take it as a personal attack.


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## periwinklepromise (Jan 26, 2015)

stormgirl said:


> Clearly you have dealt with a very unhealthy 2, and now have the notion that they speak for everyone.
> 
> ...
> 
> It’s not about the type, it’s the person. An unhealthy person, no matter what their type, is going to be unpleasant to deal with or be around!


I have dealt with several 2s, throughout my life, in various relationships and settings. All of the people I have typed as a 2 (or typed themselves as a 2) were not good for me, and the way in which they are all connected is that they are 2s. Every 2 I have ever met (and could identify as a 2) has been bad for me. This is my lived experience. Please do not deny this. 

Furthermore, I'm in the camp that we are all defaulted into "not super healthy" positions, and that the health levels have exploded to mean quite a bit and therefore nothing, so when people say, "This is only for _unhealthy_ X", it basically doesn't mean anything to me. The "average" type will not be very healthy; the average 2 will not be very healthy. 

As an 8, I care more explicitly about boundaries than most people. Lots of people have problems with this, but most especially 2s despise it. I see it as inter-type conflict. I don't get along with 2s, and they certainly don't get along with me. 

Because of my lived experience, I am carrying around some not-nice perceptions/observations, and some "baggage". That is what my Note was for - to let people know that this is my opinion, based on my experiences. Others are free to disagree about my stance, but I do not allow anyone to say/imply my experiences and emotions surrounding those experiences are invalid. I hope this distinction is clear.

also, a quick note for specifically @kaleidoscope , I do think it's interesting, the idea of "dump for terrible qualities", because this attitude seems to jump from type to type and affect them all, and furthermore, people tend to see it the most in their own type. For example, when people say someone is abusive _and therefore_ an 8, I'm always up in arms about it, complaining that people attribute all these negative qualities to 8s. I suggest that I think it is (sometimes) 8 because I'm an 8, and I suggest that you think it is (sometimes) 2 because you're a 2. But it happens to all types, and as a community, we tend to see giant shifts - first we all hate 6s, then 4s, then 3s, then all social-firsts, whatever it may be. Outright hatred is a problem, of course - the thread about type bigotry from Condon addressed that, and I almost responded, "Yup, guilty. I don't trust 2s" (I decided not to because I didn't think it was relevant).

To everyone, I will say that my intention in this thread was not to spread 2 hate or claim all 2s were evil. But as a rejection/power type, talking to another, about how to "deal" with the third, I did think I had an interesting perspective, and I do have personal stories garnering insight and advice I hoped would prove helpful. 

I stand by my stance that a person who purposefully ignores your boundaries will always do so, and my advice to ditch him or try to accept it completely.

I believe further discussion about my post in this vein would probably be a derail, so please feel free to PM me if anyone wants to continue this.


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## stormgirl (May 21, 2013)

periwinklepromise said:


> I stand by my stance that a person who purposefully ignores your boundaries will always do so, and my advice to ditch him or try to accept it completely.


That is something we can both agree on!


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