# An Sx dom in a relationship with an Sx dom



## mrrrmaid (Aug 11, 2018)

I read an article that hypothesised that for Sx doms, the best partner would be an Sx second. Sx last would lack the intensity needed for an Sx dom. With an Sx second the only problems are that you have to pick between someone with the opposite flow to you OR someone with your ignoring as their dom. However, both of these were said to be preferable to Sx & Sx since that's too much intensity and both partners end up never being able to get enough from the other. This was an issue not found in So & So or Sp & Sp relationships.

I wanted to see / hear some examples of Sx doms together (either your own experiences or celebrities / fictional) to see how that theory would play out in reality. 

Link to article.


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## L P (May 30, 2017)

I think I saw 2 Sx doms at Mcdnalds the other day. They were holding each others faces in their hands while their faces were inches apart from each other, then the guy covered their faces with his hand sort of making hand tent while they spoke, like they wer ebeing secretive while in public. I thought it was nice and unusual.

I am Sx second but if I guessed, even though you are not asking for more theories or guesses, I would think Sx dom with another Sx dom would feel like they can't get enough from the other Sx dom because it seems like there is a promise that this person can really fulfill your Sx fully since they are just as intense, but when you realize that even their intensity doesn't completely satisfy you you want more and more to try and be satisfied, but you keep realizing it's still not enough. With Sx second or last or whatever, it might be more balanced, like there is no promise your Sx would be fully fulfilled so any amount of intensity is something you relish in and are grateful for because those moments standout in contrast to the more mundane or even keel moments, so you fish for more of those moments instead of fishing for full satisfaction. It becomes a desert instead of a main course meal, you don't get full from it, you enjoy it from time to time.

This song sounds like a SX dom Sx dom relationship.


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## enneathusiast (Dec 15, 2012)

mrrrmaid said:


> ...to see how that theory would play out in reality.


My life experience as SX/SP doesn't match the article in any way.

IMO, it's purely theory having nothing to do with reality. Someone getting lost in concepts, logically manipulating those concepts, then projecting those concepts upon reality. The map is not the territory. You don't draw a map from your imagination then see how it fits reality. You understand reality as it is then draw a map of what's there. At least if you want it to represent reality accurately.



> A man should look for what is, and not what he thinks should be.
> - Albert Einstein


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## richard nixon (Sep 14, 2017)

Sx/so usually marry and reproduce with each other, I know that much. And the theory mentioned in the OP... well it's flawed because sx is also attracted to stimulating things just as much as stimulating people, so they could both enjoy going to a gun range or anything else that gives them a ton of stimulation or they could turn to two different stimulating things and alternate between being together and stimulating things/events separately.


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## drmiller100 (Dec 3, 2011)

i didn't read the article. 

Kink world is almost entirely Sx Dom.

I date primarly Sx doms and am Sx. We have good, intense sex. And stuff.


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## Dare (Nov 8, 2016)

mrrrmaid said:


> ...both of these were said to be preferable to Sx & Sx since that's *too much intensity* and both partners end up never being able to get enough from the other.


Hmm, a type often described as 'all or nothing' who 'lives for intensity' and 'just can't get enough' shouldn't do something bc it's "too intense" and they will "never be able to get enough"... Do I giggle or drool? What can I say except (big smile); it's good (sx/sp + sx/sp here).

For me personally, I would only rule out dating someone who is 1) dominant in my blind spot (so/sx, so/sp) or 2) doesn't have my dominant in their top two (sp/so). That seems like asking for trouble. Same instinct is easy, a slight variation may be okay (sx/so or sp/sx) but a lot comes down to the individual, as it always does. My best friend of 6 years is sp/sx, we can be around each other constantly and never tire of one another, np.

That said, I'm generally inclined to believe that instincts will be the biggest make it or break it factor in compatibility. Perhaps especially for sx since we may have special needs when it comes to level of intimacy/interdependence/intensity etc that realistically can't be achieved in most relationships where it's not sx + sx. More often than not, just hearing the PG rated version of what I want in a relationship has people upset, lol. 

It's so nice to be with someone who can not only satisfy my sx needs, who not only views things the same way as I do and not only accepts/likes what I'm about but _needs_ it himself. That isn't just convenient romantic bliss, it means there is a very real long-term safeguard build in (for both of us).


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## drmiller100 (Dec 3, 2011)

i read somewhere when we are looking for a mate we tend to behave like an opposite. So, an Sp will act and be attracted to Sx. 

I got married to an Sp/Sx. I'm Sx/So. It was NOT a good match long term.


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## mrrrmaid (Aug 11, 2018)

drmiller100 said:


> I got married to an Sp/Sx. I'm Sx/So. It was NOT a good match long term.


If its not too personal could you explain more why not?


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## SilentScream (Mar 31, 2011)

It's what happens when fire meets fuel. 

For me with my ex (ESFP 7w8 Sx/So), it was an intense infatuation at first but over time the things we loved about each other turned out to be more idealized than real and neither of us were able to keep up with each other's expectations ... Somehow there was always a power struggle. She was controlling. I wanted to shirk control and assert my independence. 

At first we were kinda like a rockstar couple for a short while but over time a lot of bad habits came out (not just hers and mine) and whatever connection we had at first just started eroding. I started looking for my stimulation needs to be fulfilled through immersing myself in hobbies and colleagues .. She did the same with her friends and college which slowly pulled us apart. 

Eventually, the marriage became fairly abusive on both our sides. The sex and romance dried up and we were both done and wanted out by the third year. She was emotionally cheating. I guess I did too with my clients and colleagues. It's not something I've admitted before, but yeah - I crave intense connections and I chased them with reckless abandon in the past. 

I was looking for an escape and our fights were literally destructive. 

I'm currently with Sp/Sx and it's both comfortable and intense and I'm happy. In fact, today is our 4th anniversary and I'm pretty excited. She does not show her excitement outwardly as much as I feel or want, but I've come to accept that that's who she is. What doesn't show doesn't mean it doesn't exist. I've grown quite a bit over the last few years to understand where my judgement of my partners has been wrong in the past.


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## drmiller100 (Dec 3, 2011)

mrrrmaid said:


> If its not too personal could you explain more why not?


when I said you "I do" she said "not any more." 

She wanted a reliable bread winner. I made a LOT of money, until I figured out it would never be enough. So then I gave up (enneagram 8) and immersed myself in alcohol. 

I wanted intensity and friendship, and she wanted money and security.


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## SilentScream (Mar 31, 2011)

drmiller100 said:


> when I said you "I do" she said "not any more."
> 
> She wanted a reliable bread winner. I made a LOT of money, until I figured out it would never be enough. So then I gave up (enneagram 8) and immersed myself in alcohol.
> 
> I wanted intensity and friendship, and she wanted money and security.


I was of the mindset that Sp first would be more likely to be self-reliant. Am I wrong in thinking this?


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## Sunshower127 (Mar 5, 2018)

Maybe type + variant changes it slightly... What was her MBTI and Enneagram?


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## knife (Jul 10, 2013)

mrrrmaid said:


> I read an article that hypothesised that for Sx doms, the best partner would be an Sx second. Sx last would lack the intensity needed for an Sx dom. With an Sx second the only problems are that you have to pick between someone with the opposite flow to you OR someone with your ignoring as their dom. However, both of these were said to be preferable to Sx & Sx since that's too much intensity and both partners end up never being able to get enough from the other. This was an issue not found in So & So or Sp & Sp relationships.
> 
> I wanted to see / hear some examples of Sx doms together (either your own experiences or celebrities / fictional) to see how that theory would play out in reality.
> 
> Link to article.


The conclusion isn't inaccurate but the reasoning is dumb.

I have definitely had my best experiences with Sx/So and So/Sx though. As a rule, Sx-lasts don't give me what I need. I'll agree on that. But I don't think that the argument that being attracted to another Sx-dom holds any water -- at all.

Balance, perhaps a shared blind spot, seems to be more important than flow, at least in my case.

That said, one of the things that So/Sx's offer that I like is that they tend to pull my neglected So out of me. I get the feeling my middle instinct is ironically my weakest... With an Sx/So, though, I feel like the need to merge precludes the need to socialize.

I definitely struggle to connect with an Sx-last pretty much always. Sx-lasts just don't have a fire for me to feed off of.


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## L P (May 30, 2017)

knife said:


> The conclusion isn't inaccurate but the reasoning is dumb.
> 
> I have definitely had my best experiences with Sx/So and So/Sx though. As a rule, Sx-lasts don't give me what I need. I'll agree on that. But I don't think that the argument that being attracted to another Sx-dom holds any water -- at all.
> 
> ...


interesting, I think if have experienced similar. Sx first engages my secondary Sx more and pulls me out my so and into a nice close nit sx bubble. It is a pleasant surprise. And I think my So seeks Sx but looks in the wrong place, which is a group of people, you can't get sx that way, so when an sx person pulls me out of the group I realize they are handing me what I was looking for the whole time.

Are you Sx/So or Sx/sp though?


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## Sandstread (Jun 4, 2017)

@mrrrmaid

Stalked your profile/post a bit there. You seem amusing. You do some sort of activist journalism, stand up comedy or maybe soft porn animations?

Let me reveal something that works like a serial thriller.

I was married to an intj sosx 5w4 for half a decade. Then she pushed for a philantrophy project that kinda took her. Kids, a (considerable) business debt and lots of sorrow plus a disease was what I had to handle with alongside depression, desire for total alienation and PSTD from ex military missions which were my pals for a pretty long while.. So not that rose at all. 

Fast forward few years. Our kids assistant nanny, and (enfp - sxso) is currently 4 nautical miles behind us guys sailing around the North Pole taking care of the needs of the wives of my lads and the groups kids of our honeymoon guests on our research vessel. Everything is rather relaxing. Im ok. Better now. Way better, actually. So how did that happen?

I liked hitting it hard when younger. Loved the exciting side of life. Lived EVERYTHING I ever could to maximum of the experience. Freedom was a second name for me. At one point met my now passed away wife. Loved her, married her, supported her dreams, and let her hire our house staff. One day, she got ultra excited about this young girl she used to call the indian spice market. So she introduced her to me in order for me to double check and test (HEAVILY) this teenage girls competence to support the main nannies in secondary tasks but from a long term potential perspective as her role was to make part of the reserve team if one of the main nannies would later pass away from age related issues or unexpected accidents. So, my ex kinda gave me the fullest freedom to guide this youngster around the mission impossible 1 delicate version.

First I wanted to give the kid some slack, as the girl was meant to occupy only a secondary role in a consistent monitoring of the older nannies so, I thought why the heck should I push her more than 10% of my total assholeness anyway. So, took her to drive some cart cars. Cars was smt new to her and I wanted to test how shed integrate to anything brand new to her. To my max surprise, in 15mins I realized we might've miscalculated her type and it could be instead entp. She just wouldn't function like an enfp. Like at all; The drive for competition was just ... like what one can see with adult men receiving live fire - the measures of action arising exponentially from the rush I mean. She just wouldn't cut off the risk taking. Shed push the minicart to their max. We have 12 y of age difference, and as I used to love fast bikes (and cars) around race only environments, kinda never guessed this kid would start to actually test my skills with those corner entries and ultimately lap times. I could see she had limits in terms of technique but fuck me didn't she learn FAST how to manage that cart car. I mean I knew she did some lame semipro snowboarding on a daily basis, but this was an entirely new domain to her so, yeah IMPRESSED by the attitude. That was smt my ex wife specifically asked me to look for. It was smt she wanted our kids to learn. The attitude of a winner that is. So after a while, I noticed she started to friendly poke fun at my competence. Like the fact that she was able not only to turn around the unadvantageous new scenario into her favor, capitalize on it but also show signs of leadership in a Ill prep you if you'll just let me. Again. 12 y age difference, a kid vs. a military veteran, trading prop house founder, a husband and a father. And shed challenge ME to learn from HER?!??!? Had some great laughter with this JUST kid, took her to a restaurant to eat some vege food and tried to be as uncomfortable with her as possible. Shed just smile and tell stories. Liked the positivity. Wanted to be a kid again. She was exactly as my wife described her. Perfect match for that particular role from character POV.

So after dropping her off, called my wife and her father and asked for a permission to test a little bit harder during the next few days. Psychologically this time. Took her to a nursery, to a cancer department of a hospital, to an military air base, to our firm, to a university my wife used to co-sponsor, to our sailing club, to a agility competition, to a shooting range, to our house, to a self defense course and ultimately to my ex wifes non bono projects. During all of that I wanted to see if shed loose it, if shed get arrogant or lazy, if shed offer the support with 100% empowerment related to her age back then or not. And yes. She wanted the role more than anything in the whole world. Later I discovered that what she really wanted was our life. She found that our life so desirable she just wanted to make part of that. She loved the felinity of my ex-wife and (might ve somewhat admired a bit my commitment to support her no matter what too) my apparent masculinity. As many times I have to admit I was more a kid than even a woman, not to mention a man.

So, she got in. For me, for 6-7years she was just another member of the house staff. She was the teen learning how to take over the main support for child edu programme, just another person who would help us immensely. I would meet her daily for years and years in a row and as I was in-depth emotionally attached to my ex-wife wouldn't even consider the adult sex bombs running in n out my office and irl social contexts not to mention some 15.16.17.18.19 y old kid. But, every now and then what the both of us, me and my ex noticed was that this particular nanny was starting to become increasingly attached to the kids, she loved that I started to doubt her motives and intentions, but after she was kept away for a few days period for the sake of some testing and shed come to the house to hang out in the yard to to see the kids as she was really missing them, it was clear that the nanny was in love with our kids. And the other nannies too. So after that particular test.. ..as my wife started to call me a ruthless and heartless stone, kinda had to stop the tests right there. So again the enfp was in the house. We have some hidden cams installed in the house and after the pushing of the barriers I naturally stalked her reactions for few weeks and the rest of the nannies too, but as they were just caring and passioned about their jobs I got bored of it all and switched attention elsewhere.

After some years later, as problems of larger calibre arouse in the hemisphere.. I realized there was a position I was now either deciding to fill or not. The vacuum was immense after my ex wife passed away. It was so huge bc of the merge there used to be, I was sure I wouldn't ever meet that fix again. Especially being ill myself too. But in those moments, this 19y girl would silently hold my reality together. She would love the kids, shed manage my staff, shed visit my office and inspire our executive team to support me even more than what Id expect them ever to do naturally, she would visit the parents of the ex and support them too, and shed just .. make everything heal perfectly. But silently. She wouldn't ever go for the fame of it. So after some time that started to draw my attention. I mean, shed ease my tasks while I was still scattered as hell. So, one night, as my physical condition started to show some serious progress as I was checking for what ever my options were at that point my whole world kinda just went to slowest motion EVER.

Sat down on a couch and looked at her playing with the kids and asked my self WHY, why didn't it all collapse. How was it possible for us parents to slide in such a bad condition and zero condition and for life still be acceptable? Was is the preps? Was it the resources? Was it what, the great relationships? What the hell was it? WHY is everything still rather ok? And then it just clicked to me. It was her. It was our assistant nanny, a kid, who had made this enormously hard time become as neat as it ever could've been. And there I was, looking at her, and then I kinda just rose up pointed my finger at her, called other nannies to take the kids for a swim and wanted to called her to take a seat. And trust me, I can give orders, no problems. But I just couldn't. I just fucken started to pour tears like .. endlessly. At that point she started to cry too, and slowly came towards me and just kinda held me gently in her embracement. She had got it that my head had been removed by the Creator from my own arse. And right there, at that moment I fell in love with her. We are almost the same hight so I kinda just wiped off her tears and asked her for how long had she felt like this for us ... she didn't answer but just merely stood in that hug with me getting the feeling of her never wanting to let go. So there I was thinking that .. that was the 2nd time I ever touched her during the 7 years I had her in our house. And I was thinking about never ever finding a person to share the rest of my life with, and there she was, in my own house, DAILY!

Ive been lucky. I look at my entire life and Ive been sooooo lucky I can't even count it all. But this, this, this one was just overwhelming. So after that hug, she went to the kids, and kinda just dissed me for the day. In the evening she would normally go home if it wasn't her overnight but she would just let the other 2 nannies take the night off, with them coming to get my confirmation for the reschedule and just sleep with my kids. In the morning when the nannies would come to take the kids to the daily activities she would then just come to me to the library and well yeah, make me feel 20 again. That was a session I will remember as shared nb 1 love making experience of my entire life. I would like very much to enter the details of it in order to reveal what can exist in terms of emotional connection but that would risk the sacrality of that day in the library, so Ill let that to your imagination. That was the day she never ever left the house again for her parents home. That was when I got hooked to her. Passion, obsession and addiction. We are both sxso. intjenfp. And our set up works miracles.

At the beginning, before we got married she got slightly overturned on by pushing the limits of our intimate life, but after discussing the theme need-for-sleep things have started to steer off from hardcore towards sensuality, love, and depth. And if you want to believe, I was a pretty naughty fellow when I was in my teens and early 20s. I never refused any type of set up at all. Ive seen it all from the givers perspective. Some friends told me I should prohibit kama sutra internationally and sell my own version of it, that it would be a tril times the trip k.s. offers. But the depth an xnfx sxso woman brings in is just ... pure heaven. It goes so deep one gets just lost in the merging process. Its a higher level. Its like xntx sx-xx times the infinite. Its not breath taking, its heart stopping! Its the only moment I can't literally think at all.

She later said she had been in love with me since the first second she ever saw me. She said my eyes were the most fierce and warm she had ever seen any to have. That she found me infinitely intimidating and endlessly safe at the exact same time. She said I look terrifyingly lovable. Ha, she even mentioned once that if you would listen to the most intense work out or war music from the underworld and the most delicate music from the upstairs you'd probably get the feeling that I generated in her for almost a decade before that day in that library. That I drove her internally insane and that she just wanted to find any other man like me from anywhere at all. And yet she hid all of that fully, FOR YEARS. She then said that when she thinks about us in intimacy, she needs cold water on her face just to be capable to practically stop day dreaming. Ive seen her do that before we go out so.. Maybe its really just to dodge future wrinkles.

Ive made love only to two women in my whole life. Both of them I married. Both of them have carried or carry my children in them. Therefore I really have lived the most there is for a man to live relationship wisely. The only thing Im ashamed of even embarrased of is the few hundreds, more towards 1k I gave the experience and especially the standard of an sxso man without offering them the chance to keep that around. It is only now, at 32yo that I realize and heavily repent that. Bc if having an sx(so) shag is that amazing (lacking a better word here), I really feel sad for those who can't have that too, daily at least thrice a day. Actually, if fully open, I miss my daily portion like hell right now. Fucking sailing with men.

Then again. Im just a subjective objective POV. Nothing more, nothing less. And even this relationship. Even a 9/10 relationship is not why we are here. WE are here for that 10/10 relationship. But thats already hardcore as 10/10 is no longer human: that the relationship between us and Him that Created us. Comparing to that, all is vain. Even the top notch max of this life. Dust.

Some grasp that now, many dont want to. But all of us will get the notion of eternity the moment we pass away. That second, one has a particular level of consciousness from those 17 that exist. And that is a fix one. Wont change. That is our only baggage into the infinitum of eternity.

Good luck ya all. And God bless you.


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## mrrrmaid (Aug 11, 2018)

@Sanstread
all of the activities you thought I might do are things I don't actually do but would probably do. If I took any of those things up full time no one who knows me in real life would be surprised. Thank you for your story! Your second wife sounds amazing - especially since that was a lot of emotional work to be doing so young. 

What I'm getting more generally from responses to this thread is that instincts CAN make or break a relationship and sometimes Sx/Sx CAN be the breaker but there seems to be too much variety in types and NTR stuff to draw a hard rule. Though the Sx/Sx relationships that worked sound super yummy :tongue: I've only dated Sx lasts so far and I can only describe it as "extinguishment"


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## drmiller100 (Dec 3, 2011)

Arrogantly Grateful said:


> I was of the mindset that Sp first would be more likely to be self-reliant. Am I wrong in thinking this?


she is self reliant but if she can "convince" her spouse to make money she'll have even more.

Not all Sp's are as driven by money as her, and she was/is neurotic about it.


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## ukulele (Jan 3, 2017)

Intensity and balance are the must, imho.

two SX must be balanced enough (similar enough) and it will work, you'll reach new heights

SX+ SX second must be intense enough and it will work, you'll learn a lot 

SX blind... ewwww


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## Neokortex (May 22, 2015)

Dare said:


> More often than not, just hearing the PG rated version of what I want in a relationship has people upset, lol.


Wait, what _is_ the PG rated version??


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## Dare (Nov 8, 2016)

Neokortex said:


> Wait, what _is_ the PG rated version??


I prefer an old-fashioned relationship.


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## Neokortex (May 22, 2015)

> Perhaps especially for sx since we may have special needs when it comes to level of intimacy/interdependence/intensity etc that realistically can't be achieved in most relationships where it's not sx + sx.





Dare said:


> I prefer an old-fashioned relationship.


Consistency is more Sp-dom, don't you think? But I get your bitter humor, it's sad that fragmentation has become the norm, at least in young adult circles. + half of the marriages break up. At the same time I wonder if it hadn't been immobility, wedlock in the olden days the banes of the adventurous Sx/Sos and So/Sxs. Maybe old-fashioned isn't good enough anymore today, knowing that it had been the very reason for the high number of adultery. So yeah, it's odd that we have become the "normal." D


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## Neokortex (May 22, 2015)

Sandstread said:


> I liked hitting it hard when younger. Loved the exciting side of life. Lived EVERYTHING I ever could to maximum of the experience. Freedom was a second name for me. At one point met my now passed away wife. Loved her, married her, supported her dreams, and let her hire our house staff. One day, she got ultra excited about this young girl she used to call the indian spice market. So she introduced her to me in order for me to double check and test (HEAVILY) this teenage girls competence to support the main nannies in secondary tasks but from a long term potential perspective as her role was to make part of the reserve team if one of the main nannies would later pass away from age related issues or unexpected accidents.


It's not that Sx has ever been about ethics... because it's not..., and I wouldn't doubt your experience and its workings in this case..., yet something makes me question if you're entirely sure her relating this story would match up with yours. If her retelling wouldn't "just" be a _Jane Eyre_ story or a bit closer to _Incidents in the life of Slave_ [i.e. "human trafficked"] _Girl_? Beyond Sx, I feel the socioeconomic incentives are conspicuously missing here.

Edit: I've noticed the hedges you used (philantrophy, non bono projects, "touched" her only twice in 7 years), yet typing (enfp sx/so) is where it gets odd. It seems that you naturalize the politics (neoliberalism, in case you're on foreign land) of power (economic/military subordination of countries) behind this particular labor division (outsourcing the child caretaker role to a "nanny") by Enneagram theory (Sx-dom). The "indian spice market" girl may not have (had) better options than the higher pay of transnationals (multinational Uncle Sam©) for economic independence... And boy isn't a budding 19 yr old ENFP's dream to be as "sooooo lucky" as you were, travel around the world, go explore the North Pole, to be as a "naughty fellow when [you were] in [your] teens and early 20s," to "never [refuse] any type of set up at all," to give "the standard experience of an sxso [woman]" to the "few hundreds, more towards 1k" "[with] offering them the chance to keep that around" instead of being bogged down with managing your staff and pulling overnighters? You sure your head is completely out of your arse, sir? Or R U just fond of entertaining us with INTG.I. Joe tales?


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## d e c a d e n t (Apr 21, 2013)

drmiller100 said:


> i didn't read the article.
> 
> Kink world is almost entirely Sx Dom.
> 
> I date primarly Sx doms and am Sx. We have good, intense sex. And stuff.


I feel like a lot of kinky people are Sx-last. And isn't the idea of a "kink world" kinda Social? Like a social approach to sexuality.



knife said:


> That said, one of the things that So/Sx's offer that I like is that they tend to pull my neglected So out of me. I get the feeling my middle instinct is ironically my weakest... With an Sx/So, though, I feel like the need to merge precludes the need to socialize.


Hm, that's confusing. But I have read that the middle instinct is actually more of a blindspot (while calling the last instinct such was a mistake), because it's so easy to take for granted. So yeah.


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## Sandstread (Jun 4, 2017)

Neocortex. Feeling is great. But analytical thinking is that, thinking.


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## Neokortex (May 22, 2015)

Sandstread said:


> Neocortex. Feeling is great. But analytical thinking is that, thinking.


Sure. We're not telepathic, though. If we don't synchronize the two, by ignoring our heads up our butts, we then might even miss the cues that ENFP Sx/So 7s, who are incredibly good actors btw, give off about being interested in lusts and flavors more than just the amazing ex-G.I. Keep the bird in a cage and you're a slaveholder.


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