# Social skills and Fe/Fi



## piscesfish (Nov 30, 2013)

Just out of curiosity 

Note: This has nothing to do with introversion/extroversion. It's just about how easily you can connect with others socially, not how often you do so.


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## Aelthwyn (Oct 27, 2010)

the phrase in the right scenario is making it hard for me to choose an answer here, so I'll just ramble instead.

See... I feel like pretty much everyone experiences similar feelings and similar types of situations in life, so regardless of the details I think one _Can_ find things to relate to with everyone, if both parties are being open and actually attempting to connect, but this tends to take things a little below the surface. I speculate that Fi can be very insightful at dealing with 'deep', personal, individual relationships, so in regards to maintaining quality relationships I think it has good 'social skills'. I think Fi may be less adept at initial connections, general chatter, creating a light atmosphere, or bringing people together in a way that makes them feel like a team - so in that way it doesn't have good social skills. 

Personally, I think I am fairly good at picking up on subtle cues about different people's style of communication, attitude, and opinions so that I can usually understand them and respond to them in a way that won't kill the conversation. I think I'm good at making people feel heard and related to. _However...._ 

The main thing that prevents me personally from connecting easily with others is actually my lack of common knowledge which I don't believe is type or function related. While generally my type may be less interested in keeping up with current trends or events or staying in touch with the world around them, I believe there are plenty of INFPs who are at least aware enough of common topics to not be totally lost every time someone mentions a famous name or tv show or world event or uses common slang, etc. My main problem with connecting with others is that most of the time when people try to strike up a conversation with me all I have to offer is a blank look, no matter how much I might want to respond in a friendly way. If the topic happens to be one I'm actually familiar with then it's usually not difficult to keep the conversation bouncing back and forth. 

Personality-wise the conversational issues I have are 
1) not being a good 'debater'. With people who like to debate things I tend to chase them round in circles trying to agree on _something_ rather than giving them the counter-arguments they're looking for. This seems true for many feelers, I'm not sure that it's Fi specific. 

2) not having a strong enough 'presence' to get a word in edgewise. People frequently just talk over me, or don't take a long enough breath for me to actually jump in and contribute even if I'm trying to (because I can't bring myself to interrupt), so they probably feel like I'm not participating enough, despite that I am mentally tracking with the conversation and attempting to engage. I think this is probably related to multiple things, though introversion is probably a large part of it and I reckon Ps of any type seem to come off a bit less 'commanding' than their J counterparts. 

3) being a little 'too serious', that is I don't naturally joke around or make witty come-backs or generally improvise in a playful way, which seems to be what a lot of people want. I tend to see all jokes as having a serious side and I'll get sidetracked analyzing them, and tend to take a while mentally composing responses which causes me to miss the moment to deliver them. I am not sure whether Fi is responsible for this. 

Personality-wise the conversational 'skills' I have are
1) an ability to step into different perspectives so that I get a feel for where someone is coming from and can be respectful and accepting of them as individuals even when they seem rather 'foreign' to me. Thus I make people feel accepted / don't put them on the defensive. I think this also allows me to help explain people to eachother, and find I have often played 'peace-maker' or simply clarified conversations in which two people were misunderstanding eachother. I feel like this may be related to Ne actually. 

2) Tact. an ability to pick up on people's feelings or sensitive subjects, and predict their reactions, allowing me to help avoid things they may not want to talk about, or to know when it's the right or wrong time or way to say something. As mentioned above, I'm fairly good at smoothing things over. Included in tact I suppose is not just being aware of, but placing importance on, creating smooth, considerate, respectful interactions. I should note that I may not always be aware of social conventions, but find that usually my honest intentions and attunement to emotional cues serves me well even when I'm not entirely sure of what's expected. I suspect both Fe and Fi are good at this though. 

3) expressiveness and natural reflection of others feelings. I find it easy to get into the 'spirit' of what someone is saying, quite naturally reflecting their joy or frustration or whatever it may be - that is being in tune with them. And I'm also relatively visually/aurally enthusiastic or expressive which for most people is more engaging than a flat voice or stony expression. This seems to be something people associate with Fe, yet it is certainly something that comes naturally to me. That is, I am naturally expressive, but will choose to hold it in reserve at times when I feel uncomfortable. I think there are some people who are naturally unexpressive without it being related to insecurity or anything. I don't think that this is really related to Fe vs. Fi.


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## DeadlyRefridgerator (Jun 4, 2013)

Inferior Fe user, i am really awkward around people i don't know very well and i hate conversing. I just get angsty and uncomfortable


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## shakti (Oct 10, 2012)

ENFJ, can converse with anyone...it doesn't even have to be the right scenario :-D


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## FlaviaGemina (May 3, 2012)

I'm not sure. I can converse with anyone in the right scenario, but my definition of right scenario is narrower than that of some people.
Also, I am capable of having all kinds of conversations without actually enjoying them. When it comes to conversations with random acquaintances, there's often more in it for them than for me.

I don't consider myself socially inept most of the time, but 'socially' doesn't mean anything to me anyway.

Fi


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## -Alpha- (Dec 30, 2013)

I'm a relatively weak Fe user

My social skills are alright. Not as good as I would like, though not terrible. I more or less taught myself social etiquette through observation, trial and error. I prefer deep connection to shallow interaction. Few close friends. Many acquaintances.


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## Aha (Mar 6, 2014)

shakti said:


> ENFJ, can converse with anyone...it doesn't even have to be the right scenario :-D


this, although it is quite eccentric from time to time


To all the Fi and underdeveloped Fe:


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## Potne Theron (Nov 10, 2013)

@Aelthwyn

It is interesting to see how Astrology puts flesh around cognitive functions. What you wrote could be associated to some degree of Libra, Cancer or Gemini influence (sun, asc, moon, or other planets involved) on the Fi/Ne cognitive functions. As a male Capricorn/Aries dominant INFP, I am much more in a "black and white" attitude than you and I usually have no problem telling what I think in front of people, even if it is not politically correct (well, I can say it tactfully however, but I will say it).


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## FlaviaGemina (May 3, 2012)

@Aelthwyn @Paralax2000 do you Fi-doms get all worked up just from reading words like "socially" or "social skills" or is this just my Point of Least Resistance?
Just looking at threads like this makes me want to exclude myself from Fe-users and makes me question whether I'll ever be able to relate to my EXFJs and ENTPs. (I get on fine with them in real life, but [mis]use of the above words just makes me think there is an unbridgeable gap between Fe and Fi.) Do you find it easier to feel connected to Fe users because your Fi is better developed? 
Thanks @Aha, I've got the ENTP blues now. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr


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## Potne Theron (Nov 10, 2013)

FlaviaGemina said:


> @Aelthwyn @Paralax2000 do you Fi-doms get all worked up just from reading words like "socially" or "social skills" or is this just my Point of Least Resistance?


I am a social subtype, so this is a subject that interests me. However, this thread did not trigger particularly strong reaction from me (I am like that all the time) ;-)



FlaviaGemina said:


> Do you find it easier to feel connected to Fe users because your Fi is better developed?


It depends on the Fe user, if they are respectful or not. They have to respect my personal space to get along with me, but I usually like talking with them; though like @Aelthwyn, I am not good at chitchat. However, I understand such talk is more about link than something else and I can appreciate such contacts to connect emotionally to the Fe user.


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## Mizmar (Aug 12, 2009)

I'm not sure if I'm a "Fe-user" or a "Fi-user". Recent threads in this forum have me feeling like I fall somewhere in between the two types. In either case, I relate nearly 100% to what @_Aelthwyn_ said above (the biggest difference being that I'm not naturally expressive like her).



Paralax2000 said:


> It depends on the Fe user, if they are respectful or not. They have to respect my personal space to get along with me, but I usually like talking with them; though like @_Aelthwyn_, I am not good at chitchat. However, I understand such talk is more about link than something else and I can appreciate such contacts to connect emotionally to the Fe user.


That's been my experience with Fe types as well. Some can seem domineering or intrusive, while others are considerate and accepting. It depends on the individual.


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## Mammon (Jul 12, 2012)

Like hell I can... I'm socially backward as fck.

If having Fe in my stack meant being super charming, socially smooth and aware, well, that'd be a great fcking thing to have then.


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

I could write the most amazing hilarious story and show people and they will treat me as a badass. But if you put me face to face with one person who I never communicated with before I will look extremely socially impaired.


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## FearAndTrembling (Jun 5, 2013)

I don't like small talk, but am adequate at faking "normal". I have an INFP friend who is not so good at faking it. I mean, hiding his uncomfortableness in social situations, and hesitance to assert himself. Someone said that INFJ and INTJ can go "bro" when extroverted, and that is kind of what I do. But it could collapse at any time. It is just like an umbrella, I pop it open when there is cloudy weather, and quickly put it away when the sun comes out.


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## piscesfish (Nov 30, 2013)

Wow, so many responses all at once! 

I was wondering this because I'm a Fe-aux, and although I'm not outgoing and don't actively seek social interaction, if I happen to be put with another person, say, in a school project or something, I can easily talk to them and make a social connection, even if I've never talked to that person before.

My sister, who's a Fi-aux, is extremely outgoing and has a lot of friends, but she often complains that she is "antisocial" (as she puts it), or that her ability to form close social bonds with others is weak.


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## Word Dispenser (May 18, 2012)

I'm pretty socially awkward. I have a shallow understanding of people, and can charm people I don't know. It's the 'getting to know' part that eludes me. People usually end up finding me annoying, if given enough time. Fi seems to be very good at the 'developing relationships' part.


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## LadyO.W.BernieBro (Sep 4, 2010)

There's such kind of thing as awkward charming, l like to tell myself l could be charming in a normal way someday but l'm not sure if it really fits.

A person who can be equally received by many different crowds as 'standard' charming has the real social skills. l don't feel like l have enough in common with all people to do that.

Still, Fe by itself to me is about going for the broader approach, trying to find something you do have in common rather than focusing on niche interests. 

l actually have trouble befriending people 'because' we like or believe the same things, it feels short changed somehow, like l didn't really earn the friendship.


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

Inferior Fe when even your mother tells you that you have no charm.


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## Potne Theron (Nov 10, 2013)

Grandmaster Yoda said:


> Inferior Fe when even your mother tells you that you have no charm.


Charm, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder...though there is always room to develop ourselves in that department (if we choose it to be of any importance), taking care of ourselves and having good manners are a good start, but most importantly loving ourselves as we are and being true to ourselves. Then, after some time, light may radiate from us. ;-)


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## Psychopomp (Oct 3, 2012)

I am always getting asked to do things, like speak at functions or even at funerals for people I really shouldn't be speaking at the funeral of... and it is always because I am "so well spoken". In fact, rather to my surprise, a friend of mine asked yesterday if I would perform her wedding.

Most people describe me as "charming", at least in person. Some don't. I take great pains to come across well, and to make sure I am not annoying or burdensome. I think this neurosis led me to develop my social skills, though it was more being forced into sink or swim situations that was the biggest factor. 

In new or uncomfortable situations, especially ones where I am out of my element or that are, for lack of a better word, banal, it is not that I lack charm but that I am just silent and shy. 

It's actually quite the dichotomy. I spent several years as a trainer and was very popular with my trainees - honestly a little too popular. They'd invite me to things and try to chit chat with me afterwards and it was probably surprising to them how awkward I became out of my element or how quick I was to disappear into a cave somewhere. 

Hanging out with some random people would make me freak out and come across very rigid and introverted. Comforting a friend in their pain? Probably pretty good, if not a bit too quick to offer solutions. Officiating a wedding? Walk in the park. I'll do really well and not be nervous at all.


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## littleredstreak (Jan 14, 2014)

@juilorain

ughh I'd love to have Fi every once in a while


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## pretense (Jan 2, 2013)

I'm a Fe user and my social skills are... adequate.

Fe often correlates with an understanding of social dynamics. Only sometimes does it correlate with social skills. 

With my understanding of Fe it makes sense that users of the function, especially in dominant or auxiliary roles, would often have a good understanding of social dynamics. And it also makes sense that an understanding of social dynamics would correlate with social skills. Are these things definitive? Well, I'm nearing broken record status, but absolutely not. The further you reach from the actual cognition of the function the further you drift from having a useful archetype. 

I don't like stereotypes like this, at all. They are so fucking broad, there is no chance of accuracy. Time and time again I see that the accurate archetypes are the ones that ascribe precise incidents in judgement or perception to specific functions.


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## juilorain (Oct 29, 2013)

@consciousness

All the FJs I know don't understand Fe as social dynamics; they just see people and their emotional states and go with it. Every time I try and discuss the concept of social dynamics (my Ti wanting to systematize Fe and understand it through Fe) they give me glassy stares and say the typical "people are people" response; there's no categorization or inherent social system, much to my Ti's discontent.


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## Raichu (Aug 24, 2012)

Inferior Fe. I am an excellent conversation killer. My shrugs and awkward half-smiles quickly lead to awkward silences, at which point I pretend to assume the conversation is over, and I quickly sneak away before they can start talking to me again.

Even when I'm really trying, though, it doesn't usually go much differently. I struggle to think of interesting things to say and fail miserably. Occasionally I'll remember to ask questions, but usually I don't think of it until later. And then the other person will realize I have no social skills and will think of an excuse to leave, and I'll be relieved but also punching myself in the head. Not literally, though.


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## Classic (Feb 2, 2014)

If I'm with people I know or have been introduced to I'm an Okay conversationalist, but if it's random strangers I'm usually uncomfortable and overwhelmed and sometimes intimidated.


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