# Whats wrong when someone hates himself/herself?



## Leni (Feb 14, 2010)

Is anyone else in such a state of actually despising theirself?If so,what went wrong?For instace,I was always shy as a kid,was quiet and kind towards my peers,yet they always seemed to ignore me and bully me,including my own brother,who was the exact opposite,he was..the bully,who bossed around others,didnt care about anything and anyone and still everyone adored him..including myself.For a period of 5 years I recovered from that behavior,I became "the cool one",and felt pretty well about myself.Now I'm 22 and I'm relapsing back to the person I was when I was 7..I'm insecure,I'm always nice to everyone(I know people but have no real friends),when I'm around anyone I admire I feel like crap,though I'm not bad looking,I feel like a monster,and I can't even speak properly.I almost feel like someone is doing me the honour to be around me.I hate hearing my own voice,I hate torturing someone to listen to the shit I have to say,I hate baring someone to look at my stupid face.If anyone happens to feel somewhat similar to this,I'd like to hear about their story..


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## lovecraftianbeatles (Aug 22, 2010)

I am not sure exactly what is going on, but if you are curious about looking up depression and other possible mood disorders, then you should go for it. Do whatever you think is right if you are worried about this.
The slow speaking is what really brought my attention and made me think of major depression, but you should check that out for yourself.
Major depressive disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


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## xxstrange1xx (Jul 27, 2010)

When someone usually hates themselves it's because they have hard life experiences and met mean people. The personality has a lot to do too, some people are more fragile than others.

I'm a sensitive person. In my past I was bullied and made fun of by my peers and random people. Mostly because of my race and the way I looked. I was brought up having to live up to my parents high exceptions. I spend most of my time alone, admiring and envying those people who are loved and respect by others, like my friends. While I wonder what's wrong with me and why can't I be someone else. Yet even though I'm not happy with myself and sometimes hate myself, I sorta like myself. After all, I am me and nothing will change that. No magical spell will grant me my wish of being someone else, so I might as well learn to accept myself. 

I feel you Leni.


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## moon (Nov 29, 2008)

Don't have a story to share, what I share is your current state of life. I don't get it though 'cause I was loved growing up, I had a good childhood & stuff. Depression runs in my family on both of my parents sides so I guess there's my answer. It has helped me in the past to see a therapist, something I am thinking of doing again. There are times when I think I can beat it by myself & I do pretty good, but I get my legs kicked out from underneath me easily & regress like you said. I feel a lot of shame in being depressed & I don't like taking medication.


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## RareBird (Sep 11, 2010)

Leni said:


> Is anyone else in such a state of actually despising theirself?If so,what went wrong?For instace,I was always shy as a kid,was quiet and kind towards my peers,yet they always seemed to ignore me and bully me,including my own brother,who was the exact opposite,he was..the bully,who bossed around others,didnt care about anything and anyone and still everyone adored him..including myself.For a period of 5 years I recovered from that behavior,I became "the cool one",and felt pretty well about myself.Now I'm 22 and I'm relapsing back to the person I was when I was 7..I'm insecure,I'm always nice to everyone(I know people but have no real friends),when I'm around anyone I admire I feel like crap,though I'm not bad looking,I feel like a monster,and I can't even speak properly.I almost feel like someone is doing me the honour to be around me.I hate hearing my own voice,I hate torturing someone to listen to the shit I have to say,I hate baring someone to look at my stupid face.If anyone happens to feel somewhat similar to this,I'd like to hear about their story..


There are many reasons someone could hate themselves. I am going to focus one the one I read in your message. As a child you were bullied even by your brother. That causes pain that is often to much for a child to understand especially at age seven. Children at that age can't understand that people bully because of their own defect not because there is something wrong with their target. The first thing that most bully young bully victims think is they are being mistreated because they are defective. That thanking leads to self hatred. After all the child is seeing everyone else hating them so they "Learn" to hate themselves. 

Often people can "recover" from the bullying situation for a period of time. That is quiet common. While you have recovered in the sense that you can now stand up for yourself and you can blend in, you have not recovered from the initial damage that was done to you. What needs to be done is to face what happed to you as a child with adult eyes. To fully come to know from your heart that you were always lovable even as a child when all the abuse was going on. You are lovable now and you were lovable then. But to say that and feel that are two very different things. It may take a very long time for you to feel that you are lovable. You will have a very hard time believing this but you are lovable. I would love to walk you through some steps to help you overcome this feeling.


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## suicidal_orange (May 6, 2010)

I guess it would be easy to blame my "childhood" for hating myself now, but I can't help feeling it's just an excuse and by suggesting it is I hate myself more for being unable to get past the excuse. Happiness is all in your head yet it's so hard to do!

So here's my brief life story - great childhood with loving family (though dad works away), mum has car crash causing permanent damage to her shoulder and shortly after I hit my head and suffer amnesia. I awoke aged 13 in a park and the first three people I met lied to me, if that isn't enough to make you insecure I don't know what is! I could walk and talk but had no idea of acceptable behavior and no memory of people or events and my mum was on too many pain killers to think about getting me counseling or whatever - in fact to this day she doesn't believe I have amnesia.

So I grew up in school around teenage boys, all I did was try to fit in. I repeatedly failed but kept trying, and inevitably I was very nieve and the butt of many jokes. I was so involved trying to be normal and fit in that I neglected any kind of personal development, and only at age 23 having been kicked out of suicidal depression by a lovely girl who somehow noticed it at work did I decide that the human race isn't all evil, and that I should probably have a life. That was 2.5 years ago, I still don't. 

Also as my mum was injured I helped my younger sister lots and she has grown up to be everything I dislike in girls, I've carried the responsibility for this - I've already failed at being a parent while at such a young age anyone would. My mum also praised me for being grown up which enforces being sensible, not having fun, so I am still a very dull person. I've gotten better in the past couple of months after going on a self discovery holiday, but I'm still dull.

So effectively I have a 12 year old mind in a 25 year old body and usually act like I'm 30+ What's not to love :frustrating: Couple that with an intense dislike of burdening others with my problems and reluctance to "waste" money on therapy and you get a self sustaining ball of self loathing that is only temporarily relieved when I find a special girl who is inevitably scared off before even asking her out. Then I go a little deeper into my hole... (I'm lucky there have only been 2.5 of these)

Thanks for the thread - I needed to vent somewhere.


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## RareBird (Sep 11, 2010)

asmit127 said:


> I guess it would be easy to blame my "childhood" for hating myself now, but I can't help feeling it's just an excuse and by suggesting it is I hate myself more for being unable to get past the excuse. Happiness is all in your head yet it's so hard to do!
> 
> So here's my brief life story - great childhood with loving family (though dad works away), mum has car crash causing permanent damage to her shoulder and shortly after I hit my head and suffer amnesia. I awoke aged 13 in a park and the first three people I met lied to me, if that isn't enough to make you insecure I don't know what is! I could walk and talk but had no idea of acceptable behavior and no memory of people or events and my mum was on too many pain killers to think about getting me counseling or whatever - in fact to this day she doesn't believe I have amnesia.
> 
> ...


You have a lot of things going on at many different levels. To lose your memories had to be traumatic for sure. Then to have an unavailable mother and then to have to raise you sister was hard. What you have been though reminds me of a tangled spider web. You did not need the stress of having to raise your sister. I would suggest to vent about and vent as often as possible to get all that out of you. I would also suggest to take the time and expense to see a therapist. There are multitude of issues you need to work through.


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## StranGaaa Danjjja (Jan 6, 2015)

xxstrange1xx said:


> When someone usually hates themselves it's because they have hard life experiences and met mean people. The personality has a lot to do too, some people are more fragile than others.
> 
> I'm a sensitive person. In my past I was bullied and made fun of by my peers and random people. Mostly because of my race and the way I looked. I was brought up having to live up to my parents high exceptions. I spend most of my time alone, admiring and envying those people who are loved and respect by others, like my friends. While I wonder what's wrong with me and why can't I be someone else. Yet even though I'm not happy with myself and sometimes hate myself, I sorta like myself. After all, I am me and nothing will change that. No magical spell will grant me my wish of being someone else, so I might as well learn to accept myself.
> 
> I feel you Leni.



yea those high ass expectations social standards fuckin suck so bad 

you need to find yourself be happy with yourself first no matter what your not a loser when your happy even if that is being homeless

homeless was one of the best experiences iv had more than once

i then re cherished alot of what i had and what i can do when you have shit....... people take advantage its apparently a human thing


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## DemonD (Jun 12, 2012)

Of course, when you're useless there comes a point where despising yourself is the only logical reaction.


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## Amine (Feb 23, 2014)

Leni said:


> Is anyone else in such a state of actually despising theirself?If so,what went wrong?For instace,I was always shy as a kid,was quiet and kind towards my peers,yet they always seemed to ignore me and bully me,including my own brother,who was the exact opposite,he was..the bully,who bossed around others,didnt care about anything and anyone and still everyone adored him..including myself.For a period of 5 years I recovered from that behavior,I became "the cool one",and felt pretty well about myself.Now I'm 22 and I'm relapsing back to the person I was when I was 7..I'm insecure,I'm always nice to everyone(I know people but have no real friends),when I'm around anyone I admire I feel like crap,though I'm not bad looking,I feel like a monster,and I can't even speak properly.I almost feel like someone is doing me the honour to be around me.I hate hearing my own voice,I hate torturing someone to listen to the shit I have to say,I hate baring someone to look at my stupid face.If anyone happens to feel somewhat similar to this,I'd like to hear about their story..


No offense, but you're basically a narcissist. Let me explain.. a lot of people are. You view yourself in the third person, that's what I mean. You have no image of yourself apart from how culture views you. You're egocentric. Again, no offense. People go through this, it's a stage. Especially at your age, but some people last for a lot longer. It all depends on how well culture sees them. If they are "lucky" enough to be loved by culture and fit in pretty well, they won't even notice a problem until they get older and people start to lose interest in them as their beauty and popularity fades. And hey, then it will last even longer still as everyone fights that final, futile battle to hang on.

Peace will come when you accept your own failure in the eyes of the world. You'll never keep up. You'll never be good enough. And that's when you've been living your life for someone else all this time, you've been living for other people, trying to please them and be someone in the world and whatnot. But what about... you? Who are you? Who were you when you were a little kid and you didn't care what anyone thought? It's time to re-discover that side of you. And this is difficult, because it's been dead for so long you don't even know who the hell you are anymore. It's as if a forest fire came along and destroyed everything, and you're life is just charred, smoldering wreckage.

But you want to know the answer of how to find yourself? Do what you want to do. If you enjoy something, do it. It doesn't matter what it is. It can be posting on PerC. It can be watching TV. This is going to be a journey. Everything you do, do it from within, do it because you like doing it, regardless of all outcome. Yes, you need to keep paying your bills and such, but otherwise, the world is yours, there are no obligations. Cut ties with your old ways, including your old friends. They'll be mad, but that's because you aren't who you want them to be anymore. This is all going to feel selfish, and that's ok. This life is yours. You only get one, and you are going to die at the end and then it won't matter. You might as well enjoy it. You might as well do as you please.


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## JTHearts (Aug 6, 2013)

DemonD said:


> Of course, when you're useless there comes a point where despising yourself is the only logical reaction.


Maybe that's why I hate myself then, because I'm useless


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## DemonD (Jun 12, 2012)

john.thomas said:


> Maybe that's why I hate myself then, because I'm useless


You gotta admit, the reasoning is solid.


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## EccentricSiren (Sep 3, 2013)

I can kind of relate to what you're saying, but maybe not to the fullest extent.
I was bullied as a child for being funny-looking, having different interests than other kids, and just generally not fitting in. Even before that, one of the first messages I got about myself was "there's something wrong with you." I'd been very ill as a baby, and my parents had been told that it could result in problems later. So, basically I was the weird, uncoordinated kid who happened to have been ill as a baby. I was always told I was different because I'd been ill, going to doctors for tests and remedies to find out what was "wrong" with me. It felt like everything unusual about me had to be explained by the fact that there was something wrong with me due to the illness. By the time the bullying actually started when I was about 8, it was already really ingrained in me that I was defective. 
Around that time, I started learning about music. I thought if I could just write something that was truly amazing, or be a really good performer or just be some kind of creative genius, it would make up for whatever it was that was wrong with me. This idea has stayed with me ever since then. The problem is, I grew up to be just another unnoticed, struggling artist with nothing to make her any more special than any of the other ones in the same position. The music I write is nothing special, and as a performer, I'm fairly average. So where does that leave me? (I think performing arts is full of people like that: people who think that excelling at what they do will somehow make up for whatever trauma they went through when they were too young to understand. But then they're in the highly competitive environment where they're constantly being rejected, sometimes for reasons which have nothing whatsoever to do with how good they are. It can be pretty brutal, but it's an industry that seems to attract all these super sensitive NF types)
If I hear that someone else has been bullied, I usually think "(S)he doesn't deserve that. (S)he's a good person." But I can't quite bring myself to say the same about myself.


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## Fern (Sep 2, 2012)

Evolutionarily, we're programmed to cherish ourselves, nourish ourselves, protect ourselves.

So to throw that away is against nature.


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## Psychophant (Nov 29, 2013)

Fern said:


> Evolutionarily, we're programmed to cherish ourselves, nourish ourselves, protect ourselves.
> 
> So to throw that away is against nature.


That's a massive oversimplification. We're also programmed to be critical of ourselves to avoid complacency (among other things), so it's quite easy for all of these feedback systems to cause self-loathing in the proper context.


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## Playful Proxy (Feb 6, 2012)

It's pretty easy when you're born wrong. Though it's less of me hating myself in terms of hating my sentience, and more of the fact that I wish said sentience had never come into existence with the body that it did. Would have much preferred my mom gotten an abortion. Only reason I can't really do anything is that I believe in God and am too afraid that if I personally do something, He'd just make me eternally suffer instead of the suffering I"m already doing. So.....yeah.


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## ShadowsRunner (Apr 24, 2013)

Haha, ask an Enneagram Four


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## Metalize (Dec 18, 2014)

Powerlessness.

That's all it ever comes down to.


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## jamaix (Sep 20, 2013)

*Whats wrong when someone hates himself/herself?*


I tend to beat myself up for every mistake that I make. Even things that some would not even think of as a mistake. I will replay almost every conversation over and over in my head (both written and verbal) dwelling on things I failed to say and didn't or said and shouldn't have, etc. I would venture to say that probably 40 to 50% of my comments of PerC have been revised one or more times. I am never happy or content with how I handle anything. I know this is destructive, but I tend to do it anyway. If I feel that I have been misunderstood, I will dwell on it to the point I can't even sleep at times. I will deride myself, tell myself I am a worthless idiot and on and on. I have trouble forgiving myself for mistakes and imperfections. It is really quite silly, and doesn't accomplish anything except to make me depressed and miserable.

It has been a long time since I lived at home, but I do attribute some of my upbringing to this. I was the firstborn and my mom(she was only 20) wanted me to be perfect. She wanted to show everyone she knew how to properly raise a child who didn't do the bad things other children did. She was quite hard and very critical with me. I was very frequently negatively criticized and sometimes physically punished for many mistakes. My mom was raised in a very authoritarian manner and that was what she knew. Later, when I was an adult, she told me she realized she was too harsh and that she pushed too hard for me to be perfect. She regretted some of her choices. She said I did not come with an instruction manual and that I was her guinea pig. 

Now that I am much older, you would think I could just throw off the feelings of failure for every minor mistake. That I would no longer endlessly worry about having the approval of others. That I would no longer mentally beat myself up for every perceived mistake, but I still do it. I still fixate on things that I think I did wrong and put myself through crazy cycles of self hate and contempt. I no longer blame my mom for it though, as I now suspect she went through the same thing. She was raised in a similar manner. My hope is that I did not to do this with my own kids. I wanted to break the cycle. I tried to focus on praising them, on showing affection to them and letting them know that they did not have to be perfect to have my love and respect.

Here are some things that I understand much better now than I did when I was younger. *Everyone* makes mistakes. There is no such thing as a perfect person. Everyone has things they would rather others not know about and that they are ashamed of. Nothing is solved by beating yourself up. You have to forgive yourself in order to move on and fix it. I don't always reflect upon these things as I should. However, when I do I tend to be a much happier person.


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## Metalize (Dec 18, 2014)

*revived* 

Because that ther post is worth reading.


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