# I can't...



## So Long So Long (Jun 6, 2009)

I just have this huge feeling right now. 
Terribly huge. Millions of feelings going through me right now. 
And it almost hurts because I can't even pin point all of them. 

And I've been trying to describe it to myself and I don't know how. I tried to make a thread about it earlier, but I didn't know how to make it coherent enough to submit. I still don't know if this will be coherent right now, either. 

Sometimes I feel like I have so many thoughts going through my head that's it's impossible that I actually thoroughly go through each thought. It's as though I have layers in my thought process; what I'm actually thinking about, what I acknowledge, but don't think much of, what I just feel I'm thinking but don't really know what it is... or something like that. I don't know. 

I just know I can't ever seem to collect all of my thoughts and I really want to! 

I wish I could let everyone know how much I love them and care about their existence. That I verify that you're alive and living and doing whatever you're doing. Sometimes I think that's all people really need to hear. Some people don't think people notice them and I'm one of those people, actually. But I know I would be so happy if someone just said, "I notice you in a nonjudgmental way" So sometimes I wish I would do that. But I'm far too shy and I would feel so bad if I left someone out. That's why it'd be cool if there was a thank button in real life. I'd give everybody a thanks. 

Has anybody ever walked into a room full of strangers and felt a connection or yearning to talk to a particular person in there? Like, you can't understand why and there's no reason to justify it, but for some reason... you just feel this connection to them? I love that feeling. Although I hate it at the same time because often times I don't dare confront the person. Always makes me wonder about what would actually happen had I talked to them. Maybe they needed me? Maybe I needed them? I hate the thought of having abandoned someone... 

I want to go on some great adventure. Maybe I've just been reading too many novels and watching too many movies lately, but I want an adventure. I want to do more than just go to school and come home, do some homework, go online, read, and then go back to sleep, wake up in the morning and then repeat the process all over again. I want to mix it up somehow. Though I don't see a opening for that anytime soon. I guess I get bored with stuff pretty fast because I haven't even been in that routine but seven days. 

There's this girl at my school that I see every day and she intrigues me beyond belief. She just looks... different. Like she would be a good friend to have or something interesting to converse with... I can't explain it, but I feel drown to her. It's almost like there's some kind of invisible force pulling me towards her. And maybe there is. I want to run into her sometime. I don't have any classes with her, so I don't know how this is possible. But I wanna hear her story, cause I'm almost certain she's got one to tell. Maybe that's just hopeful thinking, though. Or me adding layers and a persona to someone I don't even know the first name of. I've seen her staring at me before, though, because I'm the new kid, I guess. 

I almost ran into her last Friday. I was trying to get to my class and as soon as I opened the door and looked through it... she was there with other students around her and I promptly shut the door out of anxiety and shyness. Then I followed in tow with a few other people I knew to my class hoping that nobody would notice me. 

Which doesn't make any sense at all. 
But I can't spend anymore time thinking about it, either.

I'm almost afraid to post this on here... Not really sure why... 

I've been thinking lately about school and I don't know what I'm going to do about it. I don't know if school is really for me... Which is a lame excuse, but whatever. I like my new school, but I hate being a freshman all over again and I don't even know if I'm going to be able to graduate on time... and it's not like I'm going to have money to go to college anyways. I told myself I wouldn't be like my parent's, but I don't know if that's going to happen now... Eh... 

I just always having this neverending feeling of wanting to get in a car and go. I don't care where. Just anywhere. I want to see new things and experience the unordinary. 

And I'm getting more pissed off at my family's view points on things. Especially sexuality... I mean, what am I supposed to do? Just deal with it? Because that's no fun at all. A part of me wants to tell them once I'm sixteen just to see what'd they all say and what their reaction would be and if they kick me out, good. I don't have to go to school anymore and I can crash somewhere... 

Ugh, my thoughts are so good now. I think I'm going to end this. 

Thanks for reading. 
If you did.


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## PeacePassion (Jun 9, 2009)

So Long, this was one of the most beautiful rants I've every heard  For the record, even if it's obvious, I notice you, but I am a little judgmental, I think you're awesome all the time! 

All kidding aside I suppose we ended up talking about some of this, I just hadn't read your blog yet  So maybe we can talk some more later if you like. Otherwise, hang in there, i'm sorry I'm wearing out the word, but you really are so awesome! That desire inside you to really live and explore and connect and be is so beautiful, continue to notice it and honor it, may it be a light to guide you always! 

k, ttyl!


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