# I'm feeling like a substitute friend :(



## TrueLies (Jul 1, 2015)

It might feel weird seeing an ENTP complain and whine like this. But I really need to just leave my emotions out somewhere as I somehow don't understand them myself. Sooo this might all sound insanely unlogical and probably a bit whiny, maybe even like I'm self-pitying. But currently I'm really a mess so please don't judge me too hard. Sometimes I just need to leave my emotions out. Especially when I have no one around to talk. ;;

I'm feeling pretty terrible today and the reasons are quite odd. I'm feeling bad because I don't receive a lot of love from my friends. Now the thing is: I do have a lot of friends. I'm cheerful and probably shouldn't complain. It seems more like one of those emotional, social things. Fact is: I feel like to most people I'm not more than a substitute friend. And that bothers me.
I'm not perfect. No one is. But I'm really a good friend. At least I'm told I am. 
I might discuss a lot and most of my conversations are pretty theoretical and random and sometimes I say pretty weird things. But I'm emotionally stable and I'm here for my friends.
Whenever they feel bad I will listen. Sometimes it gets too feelsy for me but I'm here. I listen and I offer them more possibilities, more ways to think of the situation and try to explain them what the other side probably think and feels if it's about a conflict.
I do not expect the same thing in return. But lately I've often felt like people mainly approach me and come at me when they have problems with a person more important to them than I am. It's happening so often with various people that it's truly starting to affect me. I feel bad because they feel bad. And I feel bad because it makes me feel bad. Which I'm somewhat ashamed of. I shouldn't feel that way. But I am.
I'm one of those friends that will stay your friend for a long time. A very long time. We might talk a lot sometimes and less at other times but I'm a long-term friend. Yet I'm never the preferred friend. And I thought I wouldn't need that. 
But now I realized that I really need appreciation. Not only about my abilities, looks or whatever. I have a pretty objective view on myself. I know what I'm good at. 
I want to be emotionally recognized and appreciated. And I'm feeling selfish because of that. It's something I just can't demand, right?

But I feel like I'm the background friend that's always here. That will always listen and care. But I'm never the friend who's liked the most, who's invited for the fun things or who anyone ever thinks needs some kindness, too. 
I'm not sure what I should change. Other than the people who are preferred over me, I'm not a dramaqueen. I don't freak out about every little thing. I'm random, fun and unconventional. But that's how I want to be.
I'm a good friend. I listen and help, even if I naturally talk a lot. I correct my friends a lot but only if they really got something very wrong. I learned how to be not blunt and I'm sensitive to people's feelings.
And I've talked to people about it. But no one can give me an answer. I need an answer. I need to know why. I don't want apologies. I want an explanation. I want to know why I'm only the friend people get back to when their current favorite friend turned out to be an idiot. Then they leave their emotions out and the same thing happens over and over again.
It seems like a huge relationship drama. Only with friendships. And a lot of immature, unhealthy people that I all still understand. And that's exactly why I feel bad for feeling bad. 

Yet I know I am a good friend. But why am I never someone's best friend?


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## Notus Asphodelus (Jan 20, 2015)

Most relationships, if not all, happens based on shared interest. Sometimes, a friendship needs more than emotional and intellectual stimulation. Occasionally, doing activities that we enjoy and doing it together with good friends who shares our interest could affect our well-being positively. It gives us the chance to bond on a physical level too as if we are feeding each other with creativity. Don't worry about not being someone's best friend and be your own best friend. Broaden your circle of friendship and find more like-minded souls that would enjoy your company as well as your other attributes.


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## Alpha_Orionis (Jan 18, 2015)

I know how you feel. I have an Extraverted twin brother. Almost everybody that i know also knows him, and vice versa. When any of our friends need something, are inviting us over, or just want to chat, they always contact him. Also, when we are in a group, everybody talkes to him before they talk to me. I am used to that at this point. He is just more friendly than I am.


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## TrueLies (Jul 1, 2015)

LuvGen said:


> Most relationships, if not all, happens based on shared interest. Sometimes, a friendship needs more than emotional and intellectual stimulation. Occasionally, doing activities that we enjoy and doing it together with good friends who shares our interest could affect our well-being positively. It gives us the chance to bond on a physical level too as if we are feeding each other with creativity. Don't worry about not being someone's best friend and be your own best friend. Broaden your circle of friendship and find more like-minded souls that would enjoy your company as well as your other attributes.


I'll try. The thing is that I'm so used to have one best friend that now that I'm in a situation where I have a lot of friends I feel a bit strange. I surely enjoy being around all of them but I miss that one specific friend I could talk about anything with. It's a bit difficult to "find" such a person as I have so many different interests. But I'll really try to see it that way. Thank you. 



Alpha_Orionis said:


> I know how you feel. I have an Extraverted twin brother. Almost everybody that i know also knows him, and vice versa. When any of our friends need something, are inviting us over, or just want to chat, they always contact him. Also, when we are in a group, everybody talkes to him before they talk to me. I am used to that at this point. He is just more friendly than I am.


I'm sorry to hear that. D: I'm rather extraverted and people say I'm charismatic but I understand how you feel. I used to be rather shy some years ago and that was very difficult to me.
My problem now is that I have a lot of friends but most of them are introverts or shy so it's always me who asks to meet up. However, when I see they just talk so much more to their other friends it somewhat hurts. Even if it shouldn't affect me and I know they don't mean it that way. It's hard to explain somehow. 
In your case your twin might seem easier to approach so that's why they might talk to him first. But they do seem to include you, too. So it doesn't have to mean they prefer him, it's just a different connection maybe.


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## Alpha_Orionis (Jan 18, 2015)

TrueLies said:


> I'll try. The thing is that I'm so used to have one best friend that now that I'm in a situation where I have a lot of friends I feel a bit strange. I surely enjoy being around all of them but I miss that one specific friend I could talk about anything with. It's a bit difficult to "find" such a person as I have so many different interests. But I'll really try to see it that way. Thank you.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


They do include me, but sometimes i think that they invite me too just so it would not be weird, inviting my brother, but not me.
For your situation, i think that friend with whom you can talk about everything is born during some hard times. When something bad happens to a friend, such as a bad break up, or death of a loved one, being there for them helps the friendship more that any amount of partying, disscusing or chatting.


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## EssereValentina (May 11, 2015)

I felt a lot of times like you some years ago. Then I realized that I shoud stop to help people and continue to be their friends if I felt that they use me as a subsitutive friend. I'm not telling you that you shouldn't talk to them or other immature reactions. Just consider yourself first. Give your friendship a value. If they don't act like true friends they are acquaintances. Subclassed. You will understand who is your true friend.


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## Pifanjr (Aug 19, 2014)

I know what you feel, I've always wanted to have someone with which to do _everything_, with whom I could share everything. I've come to realize everything is a bit too much, but I have found someone to whom I can tell everything that bothers me, even though I can't talk about everything that interests me because our interests aren't completely the same. But even though I am a really important friend to her, I'm not the only important friend and that does suck sometimes, but I don't think it's reasonable to want to be someone's _only_ close friend.

I'm still looking for a friend, or friends, to share some of my interests with for which I don't have a friend yet. I'm also still hoping I can actually find the strong connection I've been looking for when I manage to find a girlfriend.

As advice, I would suggest taking the initiative to open up to someone about something that bothers you emotionally. Like Alpha_Orionis said, the closest relationships are often born of helping each other through hard times, but to do that, you have to know someone is going through a hard time in the first place. Therefore, opening up a bit about your own problems might help the other person open up about theirs and you can help each other, thereby becoming closer in the process.


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## ForsakenMe (Aug 30, 2010)

This is something I am also trying to get over, being the martyr for people. If you are feeling used, then it's not a healthy friendship. I'm sure you are a lovely friend that anyone is lucky to have, but please stay away from perpetually 'broken' people who just wants to latch off your compassion without giving you anything in return. If someone is making you uncomfortable by talking about their problems all day, just say, "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I just don't know what to tell you." If they care about you, they will still hang around. If not... then at least you have your answer.


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## FakeLefty (Aug 19, 2013)

If you feel that you aren't valued by your friends, find new friends. Out of the over 7 billion people on this planet, why waste your time with people who don't value you?


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## TrueLies (Jul 1, 2015)

Really, thank you for all your different kinds of advice! You all are helping me a lot.


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## FlaviaGemina (May 3, 2012)

TrueLies said:


> I'm cheerful and probably shouldn't complain.


This is the bit you need to change.


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## TrueLies (Jul 1, 2015)

FlaviaGemina said:


> This is the bit you need to change.


What exactly? Just not complain? Or stop denying that it's okay to feel bad once in a while?


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## FlaviaGemina (May 3, 2012)

TrueLies said:


> What exactly? Just not complain? Or stop denying that it's okay to feel bad once in a while?


Stop thinking that _you_ have to feel/ act cheerful all the time, whereas other people are allowed to have problems.


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## LittleHawk (Feb 15, 2011)

Firstly, these feelings are completely normal. Nearly everybody at some point in their life, compares themselves to another person or wonders why they're missing out/not as good/as preferred. 

You have two options. Find friends who do appreciate you and show it... or deal with it. Good, true friends are hard to come by...you can't have a dozen of them and expect they will all have your best interests at the very top of their priority lists, it's not realistic.

My advice... talk to one of your friends and tell them HOW you feel. Tell that among your circle of friends you sometimes feel your neglected. You don't have to make this friend feel bad or guilty, you can insinuate it's other people in your circle of friends and then maybe they can offer you some better solid advice since they know you as a person.


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## sicksadworlds (May 4, 2015)

I know exactly how you feel. I'm never my friends' first choice, they mostly only contact me when they want something from me. It's really been bothering me for a while, because I feel like I'm not interesting. I've been the substitute friend all my life. Or the person that people considered as a friend only because it was convenient for them (me being at the right place, at the right time), but once they find a new friend suddenly I don't exist anymore.

There's this person that used to be my best friend, we did everything together. But once they moved suddenly they forgot me, and it hurts, because this person only comes to me to ask for favors. I wish we were still best friends because despite all this I still like them, it's been a struggle because I've been trying to forget this person.

I have one person now that is my friend, and I am forever grateful I found this person. My true best friend. I'm happy I have this person but I'm sad at the same time because I feel everyone else don't consider me as their friend. It took me ages to finally have a true friend so being the second choice all my life messed me up. Everytime I see people having a good time with their friends, or different people wanting to be in their company it damages my self esteem.

Sorry I don't have any advice to give because I'm going through the same as you.


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## TrueLies (Jul 1, 2015)

sicksadworlds said:


> There's this person that used to be my best friend, we did everything together. But once they moved suddenly they forgot me, and it hurts, because this person only comes to me to ask for favors. I wish we were still best friends because despite all this I still like them, it's been a struggle because I've been trying to forget this person.


In my case it's me who has moved. My former best friend never got over that choice of mine and decided to drop me around two months ago. I changed a lot and she doesn't cope well with the way I'm now. I'm more confident and not as shy anymore. But she mistakes it for arrogance whilst most of my current friends in my new city really like me the way I am. I understand you there even if it's a bit different and reversed in my case. I'm glad you found a true best friend, though. 




FlaviaGemina said:


> Stop thinking that _you_ have to feel/ act cheerful all the time, whereas other people are allowed to have problems.


Thanks for clearing that up. I'll try to. It's just a bit of a struggle because I usually understand their point very easily. That's why I once in a while need to remind myself or be reminded of the fact that it's just okay and normal to feel bad despite understanding.


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## TrueLies (Jul 1, 2015)

Pifanjr said:


> As advice, I would suggest taking the initiative to open up to someone about something that bothers you emotionally. Like Alpha_Orionis said, the closest relationships are often born of helping each other through hard times, but to do that, you have to know someone is going through a hard time in the first place. Therefore, opening up a bit about your own problems might help the other person open up about theirs and you can help each other, thereby becoming closer in the process.


I tried to. I really tried to open up about my feelings. With the result of my friend ignoring me. We mainly talk via Facebook these days because we cannot meet up that often and she's been ignoring me since Thursday. I ended up even apologizing and asking if she were okay but no reply at all. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I understand it might annoy her but I'm surely not a person who complains a lot and she knows that. We've been friends for two years. In this case it's a really serious issue involving my mom getting severly injured. 
So I wonder why she would ignore such a thing. At the same time I'm concerned if something happened to her. But this time I really cannot focus on that because of my own problem.


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## Pifanjr (Aug 19, 2014)

TrueLies said:


> I tried to. I really tried to open up about my feelings. With the result of my friend ignoring me. We mainly talk via Facebook these days because we cannot meet up that often and she's been ignoring me since Thursday. I ended up even apologizing and asking if she were okay but no reply at all. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I understand it might annoy her but I'm surely not a person who complains a lot and she knows that. We've been friends for two years. In this case it's a really serious issue involving my mom getting severly injured.
> So I wonder why she would ignore such a thing. At the same time I'm concerned if something happened to her. But this time I really cannot focus on that because of my own problem.


That really sucks, friends should be there for each other. If they can't, I'd say they're not really friends but just acquaintances. But you could be right of course and she might not be able to deal with your problem because she has problems of her own, hopefully she'll respond soon.

In the meantime, you could try opening up to someone else. It doesn't even have to be a friend you've known for a long time, sometimes it's easier to open up a little to someone you just met, because there's no baggage yet. I've found it much easier to open up to people I met here on PerC, because they aren't involved in the rest of my life, so I don't have to fear the things I tell them leak out to other people and if they don't respond well or judge me, I can just break off contact easily and move on.


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## Swede (Apr 2, 2013)

Watch out for people in your life who only want a "low maintenance" friend or partner. The probably don't mean to, but they generally become nothing else but users and will move on when you become too much effort.


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## The Antique Beast (Nov 11, 2012)

I feel like a number of people are underestimating the difficulty of finding people with whom a person can relate to, and who they can build a rapport with. Making a friend isn't always as simple as opening one's mouth, although in many cases it can be true.

As for my advice, I think in this case it's better to do a little self-reflection; are you being sincere in all of your dealings with others? Are you afraid to show your emotions to your peers, instead believeing that you must be the strong, reliable friend? I think often we go into relationships of any sort with the mentality of getting something out of it, rather than what we ourselves can bring to the table. It may not be a matter of what others fail to see in you (which I am positive is a very wonderful and charming young lady :>), but what you fail to realize about your own behaviour.


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