# Clues to type in conversation - INTP/INTJ/INFP/INFJ



## cmouse79 (Jan 24, 2016)

Hey all!

I recently started dating someone and have been trying to figure out his type. He's pretty sure that he's an IN, but he can't decide on the other two letters, and he hasn't taken the assessment to find out. 

1. Do you think there might be clues in conversation that could help me figure out his type? He's pretty quiet and it takes a lot to draw him out in conversation, so unfortunately, the info I have is limited so far.

2. Maybe I can ask some better questions? When we talked about the MBTI and I explained the difference between T and F, for instance, he just said they both sound like him. And I couldn't figure out how to ask him further questions without influencing his answers.

It should be noted that I'm highly versed in the cognitive functions, so this may be a question of how to tell the difference in conversation between Ni, Ti, and Fi.

Would love to hear thoughts from people on what they think are some key conversational or behavioral differences they see in the above mentioned types.

(Cross-posted in the NT forum)


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## Llyralen (Sep 4, 2017)

Yes! And it's fun to start picking out these things. Then you start to notice in other people. 
First of all, know that since he is an introvert, the thing you might hear would be his 2nd function, their extroverted function. 

Um, this might be generalities but when he talks about the world around him, what does he talk about?

INTP: Ne Does he talk about how people don't make sense.... this could still be INFP... so you'll have to watch that and see if the thing he is complaining about influences reasons or does it influence people's emotional state? Does he use trans-contextual thinking? An INTP does not really talk about their emotions much, not readily and hardly at all. They'll talk about how things are for them with reasons and context, but they don't use emotional language much when talking about it. 

INTJ: Te Does he talk about standards and pushing his will against the world? Getting stuff done? Figuring out problems?

INFP: Ne Does he talk about the world being unaccepting of ideas and creativity? INFPs will talk about how they feel, especially to someone like us who shares Fi. 

INFJ Fe Does he talk about the culture quite a bit. Understanding people, etc? Where the culture is headed. People they know. 


I've dated all the INs come to think of it at some point. I'm married to an INFP. =)
You can also narrow it down by determining if he is a J or a P. You might be able to tell from his behavior. The INFJ I dated was very very J and he would call his co-worker who was supposed to take his spot during lunch hour 10 minutes before just to check that the guy would be there. I mean, he had to know those decisions were locked down! lol If you can't tell, then ask him if he feels calmer when everything is planned out and decisions are made or if he likes to get as information as possible and keep decisions open in case things change. That should help. It will narrow the type down. Let us know how it goes. Also if you hear any phrases that tip you off, I think it would be fun to have a bunch of "go-to phrases". =)


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## cmouse79 (Jan 24, 2016)

Oh, this is good!

I tend to dominate conversations and he seems happy to let me. Every once in a while I'll let a silence linger to see if he'll jump in with something to say, and he's seems very content to just not talk. LOL (my poor little Ne brain is going crazy trying to get more input from him.)

So, in general his conversation style is to comment on things I've said. And I've noticed that those comments are judgments. For instance, we both live in the city and he just recently moved here from the suburbs, but I've been here for over 11 years. I mentioned that I've been thinking about moving and buying a place with more land. And he gave me a incredulous look and asked if I would really leave, especially considering how much I love the arts in the city and restaurant scene. 

When we talked about his process in buying a house he does go about things very methodically and rationally - made a list of everything he wanted before he started looking. But then he ended up looking at a place in a neighborhood he didn't originally want and the place just felt right to him, so he put an offer in. There was a bidding war, and he even offered more money than he wanted. He ended up losing that place. But still an interesting insight into his process.

Another conversation we had: He used to be in a band and he and the lead singer are talking about doing some gigs as a duo. So he had a planning session with her and was relaying the conversation to me. But instead of talking about that, he brought up a time in the past that they had tried to make a demo and used her boyfriend-at-the-time's studio. And he was hesitant about it, but went along cause he's an easy going guy. And then the demo ended up being unusable, so this time they are going to just record it themselves. And when he talked about it he kind of laughed and said the whole thing was a waste of time and they should have just recorded it themselves from the beginning.

As for if he's a J or P... I'm really uncertain. Based on the above, I'm leaning that he's NiTe, but he's super laid back. All our plans are kind of last minute. I am the one making all the moves - planning dates, taking things to the next level physically. I mean, I asked him out for most of our dates, and I kissed him first, and I initiated our first sexual encounter. So, that seems pretty P to me, but I just don't see him having Ne at all. He doesn't bounce off of me and we don't have these rabbit trail conversations like I do with my ENTP friend.


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## Llyralen (Sep 4, 2017)

@cmouse79. So fun! I got a lot out of what you’ve said. You’ll have to keep asking questions of course to be really certain, but the fact that he was asking about you leaving a place you love is really telling. My hunch is INFJ since I really can’t imagine an INTJ asking me that question. With their higher Te than ours they power through and are less sentimental about a place with a network of friends, where an INFJ might very well care about a network of friends and not leaving them, in my experience. In fact, out of these 4 types that is the only one that I imagine would be concerned about that. 

It sounds like he talks about what it is like to interact with his friends too, not that each type won’t do that, but the way you describe this seems INFJ to me too. An INFJ is interested and wants to talk about their network of people usually and your network too. At least to some extent. Some INFJs network is very small— they limit themselves to very few people, and some larger. 

An INFP would not ask you or advise you quite the same. In my experience they don’t really care who your friends are as long as your friends don’t annoy them and don’t upset you and basically the INFP cares about your friends in relation to you and their particular relationship with that friend if that happens to happen— probably kind of like how we are but less outgoing. Live and let live, but if there is a fun connection there they enjoy it and will talk to you about your friends and theirs— but isn’t too concerned that things will change. If they are good friends, those friendships keep up in NFP minds. Anyway, what I mean is, I doubt it would occur to an INFP to worry about your moving unless it affects him or he wants to move in with you later— same as us, just supportive of you whatever decisions you make. Or he might want you to wait just a bit for him on the house— I don’t think this sounds like you are dating an INFP to me. And in my experience INFPs and INTPs can both be fast movers, actually. 

Yeah.... you’ll want to keep looking at it, don’t let my opinion have too much weight since I’m not there, but that’s my 2 cents for now. 

I think you will probably go back and forth between the Ni Fe or Ni Te the most. If you’ve got more examples send them on. 

Oh! I forgot to tell you... a lot of INFJ guys want the girl to make the moves from what we are hearing from the forums— not all, no, but almost a majority it seems like. 

But some INTJs like women making the moves too... so that’s not exclusively INFJ. 
Uhhh a lot of IN men might actually prefer that when I think of it. I actually see the Ne guys pursuing a bit more and reciprocating quicker with leading than the Ni guys. That’s my experience anyway. I hope I’m helping.


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## cmouse79 (Jan 24, 2016)

What you are saying makes a lot of sense actually. So, both of us are in our early 40's, which means our aux and tert functions can start to look very similar and interchangeable. I know my Fi and Te are both pretty strong and I've actually been accused of being heartless, which is hilarious to me as an ENFP.

He reminds me of my ex-husband, in good ways, who was also an INFJ, and I also made all the moves there.

And what you say about an INFJ being concerned with your network of friends really makes sense. It was one of the issue in my marriage - that we didn't have the same tribe. And it's why this guy and his ex broke it off too. She got a new group of friends and he didn't feel like they were really his people.

So now I'm definitely leaning INTJ or INFJ. That Ni can be very laid back and make someone seem like a P when it comes to people and plans. When we talked about an upcoming trip I have I was telling him how I pin a bunch of cool places to check out on a map. And he said, "yeah, but you don't want to have it too planned. You want to have the opportunity to check out the places the locals recommend."

I still wonder about Te vs. Fe cause he works in a very Te led field - engineering. I'll keep posting as I gain new insights.


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## Marvin the Dendroid (Sep 10, 2015)

Enneatype matters. A type 9 INFJ can look more P-ish than a type 3 ENFP. Does he embrace conflict?

As for his career, his profession alone doesn't necessarily say a lot - it depends more on what makes him tick work-wise. People or things? A good mix of both? INFJs would normally get tired of mostly working with things, with few people-y elements included.


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## cmouse79 (Jan 24, 2016)

Marvin the Dendroid said:


> Enneatype matters. A type 9 INFJ can look more P-ish than a type 3 ENFP. Does he embrace conflict?
> 
> As for his career, his profession alone doesn't necessarily say a lot - it depends more on what makes him tick work-wise. People or things? A good mix of both? INFJs would normally get tired of mostly working with things, with few people-y elements included.


It's still too early to see his Enneagram I think. Again, the original question was looking for conversational or behavioral cues... so honestly, I don't know how he handles conflict, cause I haven't seen it and we haven't talked about it yet. 

I mention his career because it is highly technical, independent work. So, it may be a clue, but only factored in with the others. In addition to working in a technical field, he writes, and he plays music. I still don't know "why" he does these things or what motivates him, which would really tell a lot, and I probably wouldn't be posting if I knew that stuff tbh. I'm pretty savvy knowing people's types once I know them very well. This was more of a thought exercise to see if we can find things that can indicate type when first getting to know someone.


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## cmouse79 (Jan 24, 2016)

Well, this weekend's interactions offered very little new information. When planning to get together, he again has been the most passive and laid back person I've ever met. He wouldn't set a time. And then when I gave suggestions on where to go to eat he said, "whatever you want." 

He's clearly letting me lead, but he does let me in now and again. He talked about his daughter and the guy she is dating, and he's concerned with how serious they are getting. And he talked about her upbringing living mostly with her mom, and his own reflections on whether that was good or bad for her .... The conversation felt more like Fi than Fe to me for sure. He was speaking about personal values. And I don't see him speaking in universals like I see in other Fe users. 

But man, the fact that he doesn't make plans and everything is so go-with-the-flow really throws me off. He even said he needs to get more organized. *shrug*


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## Marvin the Dendroid (Sep 10, 2015)

cmouse79 said:


> Well, this weekend's interactions offered very little new information. When planning to get together, he again has been the most passive and laid back person I've ever met. He wouldn't set a time. And then when I gave suggestions on where to go to eat he said, "whatever you want."
> 
> He's clearly letting me lead, but he does let me in now and again. He talked about his daughter and the guy she is dating, and he's concerned with how serious they are getting. And he talked about her upbringing living mostly with her mom, and his own reflections on whether that was good or bad for her .... The conversation felt more like Fi than Fe to me for sure. He was speaking about personal values. And I don't see him speaking in universals like I see in other Fe users.
> 
> But man, the fact that he doesn't make plans and everything is so go-with-the-flow really throws me off. He even said he needs to get more organized. *shrug*


Sounds like a 9. Often makes typing tricky, unless it's an INFP 9.


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## cmouse79 (Jan 24, 2016)

Marvin the Dendroid said:


> Sounds like a 9. Often makes typing tricky, unless it's an INFP 9.


I'm not as familiar with the 9. What makes you think he's a nine?

I'm actually leaning towards 5 based on this description:
- I detach from my feelings and observe rather than participate.
- I hoard time, space, energy, and knowledge to myself.
- I have a strong need for privacy and limit intrusions from a world that wants too much from me.
- I am a minimalist.

He's highly private and it's taken quite a few dates for him to begin to open up. He's definitely a minimalist, as his place has very little furniture, but all high quality and purposeful. He doesn't text or communicate easily. He shows that he's interested in me by making time for me, not through words. And he can get lost in a project and lose track of time. He actually told me once to interrupt him rather than plan a time for our date, because he was working on something and knew he'd get lost in it and forget all about me.


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## Marvin the Dendroid (Sep 10, 2015)

cmouse79 said:


> I'm not as familiar with the 9. What makes you think he's a nine?


He sounds like me, and I'm one. Passive, prefers you to take charge, laid back, "whatever you want" ... those are all classic signs of a 9. Locating and expressing their personal preferences - *especially* in the face of opposition i.e. when there is conflict - is the single hardest thing to do for a 9. I am somewhat aware of them when I'm alone, but face to face, the other person's energy usually takes over and I forget what I think/feel on my own. I've learned some shortcuts, such as when someone needs to know where we're supposed to eat, I've learned through experience that it's best for me to "roll the dice" and quickly suggest whatever. But every single non-9 Fi-user I know has preferences 10x stronger than mine.


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## cmouse79 (Jan 24, 2016)

Marvin the Dendroid said:


> cmouse79 said:
> 
> 
> > I'm not as familiar with the 9. What makes you think he's a nine?
> ...


Very interesting. I'll definitely have to read up on it more. 

He's the most passive person I've met. And I thought it would drive me crazy, but being around him actually quiets my mind and encourages me to take things slowly and live in the moment a bit. At the end of day, it doesn't really matter what we do, as long as we do it together .


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## Marvin the Dendroid (Sep 10, 2015)

cmouse79 said:


> Very interesting. I'll definitely have to read up on it more.
> 
> He's the most passive person I've met. And I thought it would drive me crazy, but being around him actually quiets my mind and encourages me to take things slowly and live in the moment a bit. At the end of day, it doesn't really matter what we do, as long as we do it together .


I was told by a man twice my age that I am the least energetic person he has ever met. People calm down around me, too. It's one of the few things 9s do naturally very well, and without trying. You're not 20 anymore by the sound of it, in which case this could work :happy: People with so much excess energy that they can never sit still rarely feel romantically drawn to 9s. But those who wish for more gentle quietude sometimes do.


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## cmouse79 (Jan 24, 2016)

Marvin the Dendroid said:


> I was told by a man twice my age that I am the least energetic person he has ever met. People calm down around me, too. It's one of the few things 9s do naturally very well, and without trying. You're not 20 anymore by the sound of it, in which case this could work :happy: People with so much excess energy that they can never sit still rarely feel romantically drawn to 9s. But those who wish for more gentle quietude sometimes do.


Yes, I think maturity is definitely a factor here. My two best friends are an ESFP and an ENTP in their 30s. They both have way more energy than me. I was probably more like them at that age. But now, I'm usually the first to leave a loud party to just go home and read a book. 

I actually made a list of what I was looking for before going back into the whole dating thing. I have "quiet steadiness" written on my list. :happy:


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## Marvin the Dendroid (Sep 10, 2015)

cmouse79 said:


> Yes, I think maturity is definitely a factor here. My two best friends are an ESFP and an ENTP in their 30s. They both have way more energy than me. I was probably more like them at that age. But now, I'm usually the first to leave a loud party to just go home and read a book.
> 
> I actually made a list of what I was looking for before going back into the whole dating thing. I have "quiet steadiness" written on my list. :happy:


The best of luck, then :happy: INFJ 9s and INTJ 9s can be tricky to tell apart, but INTJs probably tend to have their shit better together. If he is in good mental health and has his shit together, he should be a decent find either way.


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## cmouse79 (Jan 24, 2016)

Marvin the Dendroid said:


> The best of luck, then :happy: INFJ 9s and INTJ 9s can be tricky to tell apart, but INTJs probably tend to have their shit better together. If he is in good mental health and has his shit together, he should be a decent find either way.


Thank you so much! This has been really encouraging. I've been with more critical men in the past (an INFJ five, and an ENTJ eight), and I'm trying to break the pattern of holding myself back for fear of being told I'm doing something wrong. It's still really early, but I like that I can engage in whimsy and exploration, and he seems content to just follow along and smile at me. It's a dynamic that is really new to me, and I can tell I don't fully trust it yet, but I'm even more hopeful after this conversation. I can see him being very good for me.


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## Marvin the Dendroid (Sep 10, 2015)

cmouse79 said:


> Thank you so much! This has been really encouraging. I've been with more critical men in the past (an INFJ five, and an ENTJ eight), and I'm trying to break the pattern of holding myself back for fear of being told I'm doing something wrong. It's still really early, but I like that I can engage in whimsy and exploration, and he seems content to just follow along and smile at me. It's a dynamic that is really new to me, and I can tell I don't fully trust it yet, but I'm even more hopeful after this conversation. I can see him being very good for me.


I hear you. When 9s go wrong, it never takes the shape of being overly critical or harsh; instead, we lie (often without realising it) to avoid conflict, and go along too far, not expressing our feelings and needs when we should. Unexpressed needs will lead to resentment. On the side of the 9, it is really just a matter of maturity, i.e. are we able to know what we need and express it when necessary. On the side of the partner of a 9, it's a matter of how strongly do you express yourself, do you tend to drown out your 9 - we tend to be all too easy to drown out.

I sometimes joke that for a very unhealthy 9, the answer to "life or death?" is "both options sound good", haha. So lost in the mist of conflict avoidance that we can't even tell whether we prefer life over death. A healthy 9 enjoys life and is equanimous (not apathetic, which is the unhealthy version) about the more difficult parts of life. Buddha was the ultimate 9, fully present and supremely equanimous.


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## cmouse79 (Jan 24, 2016)

Marvin the Dendroid said:


> I hear you. When 9s go wrong, it never takes the shape of being overly critical or harsh; instead, we lie (often without realising it) to avoid conflict, and go along too far, not expressing our feelings and needs when we should. Unexpressed needs will lead to resentment. On the side of the 9, it is really just a matter of maturity, i.e. are we able to know what we need and express it when necessary. On the side of the partner of a 9, it's a matter of how strongly do you express yourself, do you tend to drown out your 9 - we tend to be all too easy to drown out.
> 
> I sometimes joke that for a very unhealthy 9, the answer to "life or death?" is "both options sound good", haha. So lost in the mist of conflict avoidance that we can't even tell whether we prefer life over death. A healthy 9 enjoys life and is equanimous (not apathetic, which is the unhealthy version) about the more difficult parts of life. Buddha was the ultimate 9, fully present and supremely equanimous.


That's really helpful. I can tend to drown people out, especially when I was younger. But as an Enneagram 7 I crave input. I ask a lot of really pointed questions, and I always check in to see what my partner wants or is in the mood for. So I could see the biggest challenge is me being comfortable with the "whatever you'd like" response. I think if I can find freedom in expressing what I want (as I wasn't able to do in previous relationships due to criticism) and he can know that it's safe for him to have an opinion now and again it could be good.

For the date where he didn't want to choose where we ate - I offered three suggestions, and he said "whatever you want" and I laughed and teased, "I knew you'd say that, you always make me pick." So, he said, "ok, tacos"... and I got really excited and said "tacos sound awesome, let's go!" ....which I think was a good 7 and 9 interaction. roud:


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## Marvin the Dendroid (Sep 10, 2015)

cmouse79 said:


> That's really helpful. I can tend to drown people out, especially when I was younger. But as an Enneagram 7 I crave input. I ask a lot of really pointed questions, and I always check in to see what my partner wants or is in the mood for. So I could see the biggest challenge is me being comfortable with the "whatever you'd like" response. I think if I can find freedom in expressing what I want (as I wasn't able to do in previous relationships due to criticism) and he can know that it's safe for him to have an opinion now and again it could be good.
> 
> For the date where he didn't want to choose where we ate - I offered three suggestions, and he said "whatever you want" and I laughed and teased, "I knew you'd say that, you always make me pick." So, he said, "ok, tacos"... and I got really excited and said "tacos sound awesome, let's go!" ....which I think was a good 7 and 9 interaction. roud:


Sounds good :happy: This short article explores some facets of a 7+9 relationship.


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## cmouse79 (Jan 24, 2016)

Update:

I think he's an INTJ. This has become very clear in our conversations lately as I notice Fi vs. Fe. He has very clear values that have come up lately... He had to work a bunch of extra hours, so I haven't gotten to see him much. When we finally saw each other again this weekend, I asked about his work and why he was putting in extra hours. He told me about his goals with his money and time. He's working towards building up vacation hours and money to travel more. And as we talked about vacation time he said, "I can't understand anyone that doesn't use their vacation days." 

He also talked about the house he almost bought again, and said how he's glad his offer fell through cause it was in a different neighborhood and he likes being here. 

I brought up that I seem to be taking the lead in our "relationship" and that I'm ok with it, but it's unusual for me. He basically said yeah that was good for him. ... So, yeah, that totally confirms he's most likely a 9. :laughing:

Everything this last time pointed very much to Fi to me - likes and dislikes that drive his decisions.


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## cmouse79 (Jan 24, 2016)

Thanks for all the advice everyone, but I regret to say I don't think it's gonna work out. After a couple weeks of him being "unavailable" and not taking the initiative, I texted him and told him I really like him, but I have no idea how he feels about me and he should contact me when he's ready to talk. He responded saying he knows, but he wanted to have this conversation in person, not over text. I left it up to him to plan a time... that was a week ago. Just not sure he's ready for the level of investment I'm looking for.

One of my favorite dating gurus says, "Don't invest based on how much you like them, invest based on how much they invest in you." If he turns around and starts making more of an effort, than maybe. But at this point, I just don't think we are on the same page.


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## Llyralen (Sep 4, 2017)

cmouse79 said:


> Thanks for all the advice everyone, but I regret to say I don't think it's gonna work out. After a couple weeks of him being "unavailable" and not taking the initiative, I texted him and told him I really like him, but I have no idea how he feels about me and he should contact me when he's ready to talk. He responded saying he knows, but he wanted to have this conversation in person, not over text. I left it up to him to plan a time... that was a week ago. Just not sure he's ready for the level of investment I'm looking for.
> 
> One of my favorite dating gurus says, "Don't invest based on how much you like them, invest based on how much they invest in you." If he turns around and starts making more of an effort, than maybe. But at this point, I just don't think we are on the same page.


“Next, please!” 

I think it’s a good philosophy. Except someone has to invest first for the other to match. If it’s us, then see if they match us quickly. Or a slow build. Match for match. True with friendships too. 

I heard a psychologist say that if you increase the passion in bed and if your partner steps it up too, then this is how you know you’ve found a good lover. I like the idea. I like the idea of being met where you are for the love that you have. I like to think we all deserve that. I’m sending you faith and good wishes and also don’t be a stranger.


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## cmouse79 (Jan 24, 2016)

Llyralen said:


> “Next, please!”


Pretty much!

Since we run in similar circles, we are bound to run into each other again. I didn't want to leave it "unfinished." I texted him after over a week of not hearing from him and said that I had no hard feelings. That I hope he figures out what he wants. And that I hope if we run into each other we can be friends. He replied that of course we can be friends, and that he realized he's not ready for a relationship right now. 

Would have been nice for him to reach out and tell me that rather than me having to drag it out of him. But that's the crux of the issue. So I honestly don't take it personally. Says more about him than me.


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## Llyralen (Sep 4, 2017)

@cmouse79. Fo’ sho’! Yep, it says a lot about him.


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## JadeR (Jan 3, 2017)

-I dont know much about the functions so i cant help you about that. But i have two INTJ friends and we used to argue about deep topics in the past a lot. I can give examples from those arguements. If you ask my type, i am either INFP or INFJ. I am trying to figure out. 
-In general my INTJ friends used to agree in many points and i would be the one who created opposite ideas lol.
-Lets call my male INTJ friend "A" and my female INTJ friend "B".

-Once we were talking about youtubers. 
"A" said that he thought youtubers were fame and attention seekers thats why he didnt like them. 
I said that i thought we shouldnt have generalized all the youtubers since there might have been real attention seekers and there might have been some youtubers who chose that career because they liked doing it. 
"A" said that even though there might have been some people who did it because they like doing it, they were still attention seekers. He said that he thought wanting to be more special than others is not a good thing. 
I said we couldnt know every youtuber's real intention and we shouldnt blame people without knowing their real feelings and intentions.
In the end we couldnt agree on most of the points and "B" accused me for taking this from a really emotional side and accused "A" for making it a bit too dramatic so she was kind of neutral but i know she doesnt like youtubers mostly because of the same reasons too. But she doesnt dramatize it as much as "A".

-In another time we were talking about getting married and having children.
"A" said "we should get marry and have children because it will be beneficial for the society. And he said that we should do it as soon as possible".
I said "contributing the society is an important thing but we shouldnt rush getting married and having children. Firstly we should be sure that we found the right person. I wouldnt like to marry someone that i dont love just to be beneficial for the society. If i dont find the right person its okay not to marry or have children too. Also an unhealty family relationship would hurt children too."
And "B" thought that she would get marry in the end because she also thought about the sake of society but she agreed with me about not rushing it. 

-There are more examples but i cant really remember about them. But in every arguement, i mostly talk about people's emotions, why a person might have done a specific thing and how all of these can have a logical meaning. My INTJ friends mostly care about the behaviours of people and they most of the time turn a blind eye to people's emotions if they seem illogical.
-Also in every arguement after they talked about their logical explanations, i firstly talk about the things i agree about, how i find those things logical and how i can understand they think like that. After that, i offer another point of view which mostly is about emotions and etc. Sometimes they accept my point of view and sometimes the totally reject it. Thats why most of the time our arguements end like this for both sides:
"I understand your statements and i think they are right in this, this and this aspects but there are still things that i dont relate in your statements." 
Non of us can exactly make the other person accept their idea.


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## JadeR (Jan 3, 2017)

Llyralen said:


> I haven't chimed in in a while, but a post of yours a bit ago decided Fi to me too, but actually it sounds like the Fi is stronger than it would be in an INTJ to me. You're not thinking INFP? He sounds like a feeler to me.
> 
> I shouldn't have such a strong opinion, because of course you're the one there to gather evidence and cross-check. Are you seeing Te, though? I've never known of an INTJ who doesn't take charge.... never.... and I have a handful of INTJs in my life. They know what they want pretty much. That Ni -Te combo... for sure they do. They're ambitious, usually. I've never met an INTJ 9, though... but I can't imagine an INTJ just sitting and smiling or making F-type decisions about where to live.
> 
> ...


 I know one INTJ male (20 years old). He likes to control his own life but the things that he went through in his childhood made him kind of scared to do it. Even when he does nothing i can see that he wants to get the control of his life but most of the time he doesnt. The thing that he is most afraid of is ending up in a life that he doesnt want but he is not so ambitious to prevent it from happening. Maybe it is an unhealty example though there might be INTJ's out there who lost their ambition because of something like him.

When we are together, he usually takes the most important steps but sometimes he doesnt do anything even though he should do and i take the steps during those times. Also he likes to give me the option to choose things. 

I think he is an INTJ too but i do not know him in real life so maybe he is not an INTJ like he says.


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## JadeR (Jan 3, 2017)

cmouse79 said:


> Thanks for all the advice everyone, but I regret to say I don't think it's gonna work out. After a couple weeks of him being "unavailable" and not taking the initiative, I texted him and told him I really like him, but I have no idea how he feels about me and he should contact me when he's ready to talk. He responded saying he knows, but he wanted to have this conversation in person, not over text. I left it up to him to plan a time... that was a week ago. Just not sure he's ready for the level of investment I'm looking for.
> 
> One of my favorite dating gurus says, "Don't invest based on how much you like them, invest based on how much they invest in you." If he turns around and starts making more of an effort, than maybe. But at this point, I just don't think we are on the same page.


 Of course i cant know what is going on in your relationship but my INTJ friend tends to take some time to think by himself time to time. Especially when he wants to make a big decision he does like that. And during that time he doesnt talk to me at all, he isolates himself. But that decision doesnt have to be bad news for you. So do not think good or bad before listening to him.


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## Llyralen (Sep 4, 2017)

JadeR said:


> I know one INTJ male (20 years old). He likes to control his own life but the things that he went through in his childhood made him kind of scared to do it. Even when he does nothing i can see that he wants to get the control of his life but most of the time he doesnt. The thing that he is most afraid of is ending up in a life that he doesnt want but he is not so ambitious to prevent it from happening. Maybe it is an unhealty example though there might be INTJ's out there who lost their ambition because of something like him.
> 
> When we are together, he usually takes the most important steps but sometimes he doesnt do anything even though he should do and i take the steps during those times. Also he likes to give me the option to choose things.
> 
> I think he is an INTJ too but i do not know him in real life so maybe he is not an INTJ like he says.


He's young. See what happens in 7 years to that character. 
Come to think of it I have met some less capable INTJs whose Te isn't strong.... but they also aren't in relationships. I don't know, the whole sitting and smiling at someone thing doesn't sound very INTJ. Even if they are not actively leading or acting, they aren't passive like that. Well.. or I haven't experienced one being passive like that. But hey... how many INTJs can I really actually know? A handful isn't that many, really.


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## cmouse79 (Jan 24, 2016)

JadeR said:


> Of course i cant know what is going on in your relationship but my INTJ friend tends to take some time to think by himself time to time. Especially when he wants to make a big decision he does like that. And during that time he doesnt talk to me at all, he isolates himself. But that decision doesnt have to be bad news for you. So do not think good or bad before listening to him.


thanks, but this is definitely over, at least for now. I think I mentioned before that I texted him a kind of "farewell, no hard feelings, I hope we can still be friends" after I hadn't heard from him in a week. He replied back that he realized he's not ready for a relationship.

I'm understanding when someone needs time and space to figure something out. I was married to an INFJ for 15 years. What was lacking was communication about that. My ex would always give me a heads up that he needed time to consider stuff. This guy just fell off the map. That's really not for me.


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