# I feel down.



## Darity (Dec 17, 2009)

I just need to give vent to my feelings.
I’ll try to tell everything. Sorry, this is gonna be quite a wall of text…

I always knew I’m more emotional then the people around me. I never could really talk about that to anyone. I’m not very connected to my family, my parents are both Thinkers. In school, I was the typical loner, just trying to get through the day without too many interaction and conflicts. I hid behind books and watched TV, “I’m okay”, I said to myself, “as long as I don’t have to face this piece of shit called real life”. Of course I was not okay. But what could I do? I spent many nights crying back then and this lead to a few talks with my mother. She honestly tried to help me, but she wasn’t able to understand the world live in. Most days were like the one before; I went through the usual mockery at school and spent my free time alone. In puberty, I tried to adapt. Unfortunately all my evitable mistakes and flaws from elementary school hunted me and a few classmates didn’t hesitate to spread the word. I had a hard time, but eventually made some superficial friendships. I pretended to be part of the community and I enjoyed this friendships – although superficial – quite much. It was better than what I had before. Still it didn’t satisfy me in the end. 

After I got through these years I went to commercial school, where I finally was able to actually get a new start. No former classmates intended to go there. Over time I got some friends and felt quite connected to an ISTJ and an ESTJ. I was still denying my strong emotions back then and I guess I saw myself as a Thinker too (hey, I didn’t want to be the “weak” person that was the reason for all my trouble and tried to adapt the values of my parents – so wanting to be a Thinker seems logical, right?). I felt okay. It was around then when I started to play Magic the Gathering and I made some friends there too.

The next step was to accept my strong Fi. After a while I started to hang out with a group of girls after school, I guess I’d rate them as INFP, INFP and ENFJ. I instantly felt comfortable in their presence and I finally found some people to talk about the ‘real’ things. Although this was definitely a good thing for me as a whole, I had to handle all the emotions I was denying for a long time. I got very depressed and had to deal with… different stuff you deal with, if you’re very depressed. This was quite harmful for me and my friendship to my xSTJ friends, it kinda made the friendship to my xNFx’s closer though.

I was down. In this time I met my ex-girlfriend, an INFP who went through much worse stuff than mine. I tried to help her and helped myself at the same time. That was my first real relationship and for the first time in my life I honestly thought my life has a perspective. We were together for 3 years before she changed quite a bit. She wanted to go out more often. She wanted to see her friends more often. She stopped talking about her feelings and pretended to be happy. Of course that didn’t work out very well, because we knew each other very good and my Ne was knocking out in the red zone. I mean, I was used to the little game, and most of the time I got her to tell me what’s up – not this time. She was totally closed up to me for months and that made me angry and hurt me. We started to fight a lot over the most unimportant things and eventually broke up. I made some mistakes too in that relationship. I guess I was too needy, especially in the last months, we’re she demanded more space – I let her of course, but I felt let down and unconsciously made her responsible for me being that lonely, where it obviously my very own fault to completely rely on the relationship with her. I think that was also quite a burden for her.

It’s really the stuff to this point I’m still suffering from, honestly.

I changed quite a bit after the break-up, I got more relaxed on some things and I learned – for the most part – to handle my emotionality. I also realized what kind of work I’d like to do and that sitting in an office is NOT the kind of work I’ve been made for. 
I’m sitting in an office right now, because I need the money. I had high hopes to get an internship in a home for the handicapped, as the job interview was absolutely great. I also thought the training day there was awesome, the co-workers made a nice impression I felt like finally doing something I like. I turned out, that the staff there thought I’m too unsure about it and that I may not fit in.
Know why? Because I’m so god damn introverted. I tried to communicate; I tried to show that I was motivated and that I like it, really like it. 

So, it’s ye olde stuff and ze new stuff that make me feel like a piece of crap right now. I'm asking you to pity me, awesome, hm? 
But I gotta say… writing all this down already made it a bit better. 
So I feel like a smaller piece of crap than before.

Thanks for reading


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## PeacePassion (Jun 9, 2009)

glad you feel a little better at least  i feel like the things i would be really good at work wise it's hard for me to get past the gatekeepers, sort of like your experience, if only they would have recognized how motivated you were for that job, but then to judge you superficially just for being quiet... they're missing out big time. i worked in an office for three years... i don't want to go back to an office job, but if i have to i will. :/ 

anyway, it sounds like you've worked through a very lot and all that work is not for nothing! i hope you appreciate the ways in which you've grown and endured, even if the lessons still haunt you at times. reminds me of a leonard cohen song: 



> Oh teachers are my lessons done?
> I cannot do another one.
> They laughed and laughed and said, Well child,
> are your lessons done?


hmmm, this isn't coming out as encouraging as i meant to be. my point is it sounds like you've come a long way, things get better, then worse, then better again.


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## Darity (Dec 17, 2009)

Thanks for your kind words.
The office jobs just aren't made for us, I guess. I hope you don't have to go back. It may be good for the wallet, but not for the soul.

On the good days I'm proud of my development and who I am. Not these days though, because I kinda stand at the very beginning again, I'm sure you understand.
I listened to the song, quite cheesie, this mr. Cohen. Anyway, He definately has a point there.

Once again, all I can do is waiting for the good days then? Well, at least I got expierence in waiting for the good days. Sorry, this sounds like a way too bitter response too your nice words 

I do my best and try to look at the bright sight...


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## fairydust (Nov 26, 2009)

it sounds like you've come to a place where you accept yourself...
i wonder thoug, if you could use some "inner child" healing. 
many (probably all of us) need to grieve the losses we experienced as kids... sometimes it's the loss of the child itself...
find yourself a good therapist...and remember "we are never done"

best of luck as you continue your discovery and healing of self


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## Narrator (Oct 11, 2009)

You express yourself rather alot like an xNFP male friend of mine who's down too at the moment (I think).

It's great, as (you being) an introvert, to hear you' were trying for a job that's out there with people - not necessarily insane, but still something of a challenge. If there's nothing else I could give you as a sure comment, I can say that's a very positive move for someone who's struggling to get past past or present depression, particularly an introvert.

Having something to focus on is a good foundation, something to give you structure so you're not wallowing about helplessly in perciever Hell, so KEEP AT IT.

:happy: Hope things brighten up for you.


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## Darity (Dec 17, 2009)

nancy said:


> it sounds like you've come to a place where you accept yourself...
> i wonder thoug, if you could use some "inner child" healing.
> many (probably all of us) need to grieve the losses we experienced as kids... sometimes it's the loss of the child itself...
> find yourself a good therapist...and remember "we are never done"
> ...


Thanks nancy. I actually never dealt with the psychological picture of the inner child. Should I?
I won't look for a therapist, I don't think (s)he could point out many things I don't see/feel by myself.
The Possibilty to share my feelings is all I need, I think. I could be wrong though, wouldn't be the first time...



Liminality said:


> You express yourself rather alot like an xNFP male friend of mine who's down too at the moment (I think).
> 
> It's great, as (you being) an introvert, to hear you' were trying for a job that's out there with people - not necessarily insane, but still something of a challenge. If there's nothing else I could give you as a sure comment, I can say that's a very positive move for someone who's struggling to get past past or present depression, particularly an introvert.
> 
> ...


I hope your friend finds some cheerful thoughts too in the near future.

Actually working there would be way easier for me in regards to the mental load, I think. Helping people is very satisfying and chances are high that my co-workers are xNFx's, around whom I typically feel quite comfortable (after a few days, that is). Working with people also means less routine, that's a very important point too. 
With all that in mind, it's less challenging than doing the same work alone in an office every day over and over again without feeling rewarded.
Still I'd like to thank you for your motivating words.

Nevertheless I'll wallow a bit in self-pity tonight. Everything I have right now is hope that I may get better some day... I really can't say how long this hope is enough to prevent this ship from sinking. It's sailing for quite some time now, only hold together by wishes and illusions.

*sigh*


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## userslon (Jan 29, 2013)

=] Reading this thread made me adore you. Hope things worked out for you.


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## marcial (May 26, 2013)

You're right: writing is a good first step. You get to express yourself without hindrance (it's your piece!) and you get to review what you wrote after some time and see yourself in context.

Keep on it and good luck on your journey!


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