# Overdosing on Relationship Perfectionism



## de l'eau salée (Nov 10, 2008)

There is an inner idealist in me that wants nothing but perfection. Not perfection in career, finance, or appearance…perfection in relationships. I want the relationship between my boyfriend and I to be absolutely perfect.
However, with me, I seriously doubt it’s even possible to achieve perfection for anything at all. There is always something we can improve on, no matter what. It's like chasing the end of the rainbow...it's impossible.

Our relationship is like a hose and we (my boyfriend and I) are the flowers. No matter what, there always seems to be a kink in the hose, limiting the flow of “water” for us flowers, something doubtlessly detrimental to our survival. If we get no water, we perish…our relationship perishes…

However, I also happen to be the perfectionist gardener, allowing no kinks in the hose so the flowers are able to survive. What I fail to accept, though, is that even with some kinks in the hose, us flowers are still able to survive perfectly fine. In fact, if there is too much water flow, there is a chance of us being drowned due to my perfectionism. What I also fail to accept is that I, the gardener, am the one creating those kinks. If I wasn't the one using the hose so faithfully, there would be no kinks and there would still be a chance of survival due to the rain.

What I need is a healthy balance. I need to know which kinks in the hose to fix and which ones to accept and adjust to. I feel like if there were for any reason for our relationship to fail, it would be because of me trying to fix all of the kinks. 

Does anybody have any advice on this? Anyone have a similar thing going on? I like my perfectionism, but I feel like it gets too extreme at times for certain things I care deeply for. I'm trying my best to find that balance, but sometimes it's hard because I tend to get worried really easily and get worried that our relationship will fail because of there being [small] kinks in it.

Edit: For some more insight, we have an _incredibly _strong and close relationship as it is. I feel like I strengthened our relationship significantly, but also caused more problems.


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## de l'eau salée (Nov 10, 2008)

Well, I've never had to bump a thread on this site before, but I guess it's gotta happen eventually. I would appreciate a response, or two, or three, or more .


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## Scylla (Dec 29, 2009)

de l'eau salée said:


> There is an inner idealist in me that wants nothing but perfection. Not perfection in career, finance, or appearance…perfection in relationships. I want the relationship between my boyfriend and I to be absolutely perfect.
> However, with me, I seriously doubt it’s even possible to achieve perfection for anything at all. There is always something we can improve on, no matter what. It's like chasing the end of the rainbow...it's impossible.
> 
> Our relationship is like a hose and we (my boyfriend and I) are the flowers. No matter what, there always seems to be a kink in the hose, limiting the flow of “water” for us flowers, something doubtlessly detrimental to our survival. If we get no water, we perish…our relationship perishes…
> ...


oh god, i completely feel this way sometimes, and i used to feel this way ALL the time when my boyfriend and i started dating. i wanted everything to be so perfect, i wanted to feel amazing all the time, i wanted him to feel it too. for the most part, it is - we are incredibly close - but if something goes wrong, one little thing, i can tend to like... freak out. xD. doesn't help it's an infj/infp mix.

you're right - what you (we, really) need is a healthy balance. i know one day he just exploded and said, "so what, you only love me when everything's good, and when things are bad, you don't?" i think (and i'm sorry if this is so vague, i hate to generalize) that to achieve a balance there needs to be a refocusing of priorities. and please keep in mind that this is what worked for _me_, but you know best when it comes to yourself.

_he _was the most important thing, _not _the relationship.

i think in my head sometimes i idealize this being of Relationship as an _actual _being. it's like this thing, you know. the relationship needs to be maintained, it needs to grow, to survive, to live. and that's all well and good, but there's no relationship without the actual other person. i think if you focus on loving and knowing and having fun and growing with the person for the _person's _sake (know them because they are who they are and because you want to), rather than for the _relationship's _sake (know them because this will make your relationship perfect), it changes a lot.

from your post, you know exactly where all the imbalances are, and the dangerous consequences that relationship perfectionism can bring to the table. don't even worry about those right now. don't overthink, don't overanalyze. just... stop thinking about it for a while. focus on him. just have fun _being_ with him. if you fight, if things go shit, if you don't talk for a week, if promises are broken - fuck it. we all screw up, you know? but if you both love each other, you'll work through it all. it's _okay _to go through shit in a relationship. a strong one will weather all of that anyway, and still come out on top.

so yeah! that's my two and a half cents <3 hope i helped a little!


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## de l'eau salée (Nov 10, 2008)

Scylla said:


> oh god, i completely feel this way sometimes, and i used to feel this way ALL the time when my boyfriend and i started dating. i wanted everything to be so perfect, i wanted to feel amazing all the time, i wanted him to feel it too. for the most part, it is - we are incredibly close - but if something goes wrong, one little thing, i can tend to like... freak out. xD. doesn't help it's an infj/infp mix.
> 
> you're right - what you (we, really) need is a healthy balance. i know one day he just exploded and said, "so what, you only love me when everything's good, and when things are bad, you don't?" i think (and i'm sorry if this is so vague, i hate to generalize) that to achieve a balance there needs to be a refocusing of priorities. and please keep in mind that this is what worked for _me_, but you know best when it comes to yourself.
> 
> ...


Thanks so much for the reply, Scylla . Yeah, I know exactly what you mean, I can tend to freak out too... I really don't know why I do it, either. He is the most special person in my life and he feels the same way about me. I think this actually plays a part in it...I want to be with him forever and every bump I feel might throw us off scares the living hell out of me because I don't want to lose him, so I try to fix everything and make it perfect, but that's impossible...like you said, some bumps are necessary and only make us more "durable" and strong. If it helps, we've never really gotten in a fight (we've been together for about 3 and 1/2 months); we have an extremely honest relationship and it seems like the honesty helps a lot. I asked him the thing about me that bugs him most, and he told me my perfectionism in the relationship...he told me some things need to just be let be and he's absolutely right. I just have trouble with that. I think our ability to be so honest also plays a negative part in it (well, I cause trouble because of the honesty). I've never ever been able to be this honest to someone before, and it seems like now that I'm able to, I'm actually able to say what I feel needs to be improved (or rather, what I want to improve). I've talked to him a lot about this, and he knows I'm trying to improve. He likes that I put so much work into the relationship, but I'm overworking it. I think I've improved since I confronted this problem, though, I'm trying to discipline myself because honestly, there's absolutely nothing wrong with the relationship, I'm just creating unnecessary problems. 

You're right, I just need to focus on having fun and living more in the moment. Sometimes it can definitely be hard for my future-focused self to do that, though. But I'm trying, I'm really trying. If I were to cause the relationship to crumble, I couldn't live with myself. 

Thanks again, your two and a half cents are priceless <3.

Also, I'll add this in if it helps for a more personal point of view: He's an INFP. While we're both very similar we have many differences as well. He has a low I, I have a low P.


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## Irisheyes (Sep 11, 2009)

That was well written. I can so identify!! I am an INFP married to a ISTJ. There are times I want to scream at him, but don't because I don't want to ruin the perfect harmony I am striving for. Other times I'm thinking who cares and I get frustrated that he doesn't see things the way I do. So yea, I'm searching for that balance, too. :crazy:


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## Scylla (Dec 29, 2009)

> You're right, I just need to focus on having fun and living more in the moment. Sometimes it can definitely be hard for my future-focused self to do that, though. But I'm trying, I'm really trying.



i know exactly how that feels; he and i both travel a lot overseas (seperately) and a chunk of our relationship would be considered long-distance, but we're approaching two years and it's my longest relationship yet!

it's definitely a mind thing, sometimes you might even have to tell yourself "be here. be here." LOL as silly as that sounds, it's good to get a wake up call. i mean, here is this great, AMAZING person who's here spending time with you - should you be able to look at them without seeing a picture of potential doom? yes!! and if they're speaking up about the perfectionism (in our cases, _yes they are) - _then there's another wakeup call.



> If I were to cause the relationship to crumble, I couldn't live with myself.


again, forget about that! i mean... i'm not spitting on being concerned about the future, but in this case, it's not really helping. so what if you cause the relationship to crumble? so what if he does? anything can happen. you might last for a few more months, a year, you might grow old and die together. i honestly believe that you are doing the best you can, and i'm sure you are fantastic at it. give yourself a little credit


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## de l'eau salée (Nov 10, 2008)

Irisheyes said:


> That was well written. I can so identify!! I am an INFP married to a ISTJ. There are times I want to scream at him, but don't because I don't want to ruin the perfect harmony I am striving for. Other times I'm thinking who cares and I get frustrated that he doesn't see things the way I do. So yea, I'm searching for that balance, too. :crazy:


Aw, thanks a lot . Yeah, harmony is really important to me too, but sometimes I feel like I have a contradictory approach at harmony...*sigh*. I hope you can find that balance, too :3.


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## de l'eau salée (Nov 10, 2008)

Scylla said:


> i know exactly how that feels; he and i both travel a lot overseas (seperately) and a chunk of our relationship would be considered long-distance, but we're approaching two years and it's my longest relationship yet!
> 
> it's definitely a mind thing, sometimes you might even have to tell yourself "be here. be here." LOL as silly as that sounds, it's good to get a wake up call. i mean, here is this great, AMAZING person who's here spending time with you - should you be able to look at them without seeing a picture of potential doom? yes!! and if they're speaking up about the perfectionism (in our cases, _yes they are) - _then there's another wakeup call.
> 
> ...


Aw, I'm really sorry about you two having to be separated constantly . We're on winter break from school and it's only been 2 and a half weeks and I feel like I'm withering away inside without his presence, love, and touch. At least there's the phone and internet, but that can only do so much, haha. But I get to see him on Saturday, yippeeeee! You're right, I really need to stop being so worried, I'm trying to wake up...I think there's been some progress! . 

And thanks a lot for the nice and helpful words, once again. You sound like you're doing fantastic as well . I really appreciate your insight/advice.


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## Scylla (Dec 29, 2009)

you're absolutely welcome. and have a ball on saturday!!


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## de l'eau salée (Nov 10, 2008)

Scylla said:


> you're absolutely welcome. and have a ball on saturday!!


Thanks! Sadly, I only get to see him for part of the day, but then I get to see him for the whole semester starting the 11th . I'm picking him up and we're going on a road trip up to campus, camping at some beautiful stops on the way :]. Can't wait...sorry for the pointless info, by the way, but I can't help but share, I'm squealing with delight on the inside, haha.


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## Scylla (Dec 29, 2009)

de l'eau salée said:


> Thanks! Sadly, I only get to see him for part of the day, but then I get to see him for the whole semester starting the 11th . I'm picking him up and we're going on a road trip up to campus, camping at some beautiful stops on the way :]. Can't wait...sorry for the pointless info, by the way, but I can't help but share, I'm squealing with delight on the inside, haha.


hahahaha don't even apologize!! that's so exciting! where do you live?

mine's the opposite, sadly! well, not tooooo sad... but i'm going overseas again on the 2nd, and i won't see him for a month (i'm not even sure if i'll have internet...). i'm looking forward to travelling again though! what sucks is that i haven't seen him for a couple of days and i'm leaving soooooooooon. ahh!


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## Trifoilum (Dec 13, 2009)

Scylla said:


> _he _was the most important thing, _not _the relationship.


You said it best. 

you have a desire, he has a desire, it's time to blend those into one.

And in the blending, sometimes yours will be lost / blurred / disappeared. I think that's what makes it beautifully hard.


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