# Extreme shyness, feeling miserable



## idklol (Aug 20, 2014)

I sometimes can be outgoing, but for the most part, I'm pretty guarded and I'm either semi-outgoing or just plain shy.

So I'm on the dance team in my school. Around these girls on my team, it's a different story with the shyness. I feel nervous around them even though I know they're nice (most of them anyway) and I just dont talk at all. I have no friends and I've come home crying after practice multiple times over the years because I have no friends. Not one. My parents are like "just talk!" but I cant. what is there to talk about? They all have inside jokes from when they were hanging out WITHOUT ME. Whenever they talk, they break up in circles but I usually stand there and dont join bc I dont know what to say if I entered the circle and if I just stood and listened I feel like unwelcome and like I'm eavesdropping and being weird.

It's just that in the back of my mind I feel like theyre all laughing at me and if I say something theyre going to think it's dumb or make fun of me and I just get really into my head and act like a completely different person. This has been bugging me for the past few years. idk what do do please help


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## Athesis (Sep 2, 2012)

I have similar struggles with social anxiety. Have you seen a therapist or psychiatrist? Therapy and medication has helped me a lot! So I understand if you don't want to take meds.. There's some over the counter things that can help.
Other things that help are meditation stretching yoga exercise.. Also, desensitization.


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## Uralian Hamster (May 13, 2011)

Has being shy had any other effect on your life so far, or only in this situation?


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## Gossip Goat (Nov 19, 2013)

Oh my God...I'm also on the dance team (irrelevant) and I also feel the same way, not only within the class, everywhere else as well. I know right, starting a conversation with someone isn't easy...keeping it going is even worse...I've kind of given up, I feel like no one wants to be friends with me because I have nothing to offer.


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## Gossip Goat (Nov 19, 2013)

I've tried talking to people, I iniciated conversation with my lab partner and he acts like he is so bummed out about being with me.


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## WinterFox (Sep 19, 2013)

Sounds like anxiety to me.

I have General Anxiety and I also act the same way as you.


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## bluekitdon (Dec 19, 2012)

idklol said:


> I sometimes can be outgoing, but for the most part, I'm pretty guarded and I'm either semi-outgoing or just plain shy.
> 
> So I'm on the dance team in my school. Around these girls on my team, it's a different story with the shyness. I feel nervous around them even though I know they're nice (most of them anyway) and I just dont talk at all. I have no friends and I've come home crying after practice multiple times over the years because I have no friends. Not one. My parents are like "just talk!" but I cant. what is there to talk about? They all have inside jokes from when they were hanging out WITHOUT ME. Whenever they talk, they break up in circles but I usually stand there and dont join bc I dont know what to say if I entered the circle and if I just stood and listened I feel like unwelcome and like I'm eavesdropping and being weird.
> 
> It's just that in the back of my mind I feel like theyre all laughing at me and if I say something theyre going to think it's dumb or make fun of me and I just get really into my head and act like a completely different person. This has been bugging me for the past few years. idk what do do please help


One thing I've learned over the years is that most people are too involved with thinking about themselves to worry about what others are doing. I highly suspect they barely even notice what you are doing unless you are up dancing on a table or something.

I used to be pretty shy, more just didn't know what to say like yourself. Here are my suggestions on what worked for me. 

If you are with an individual, you can try asking them a few questions about themselves. Rhythm is usually a few questions about them and then a statement about yourself. You are looking for similarities between you and them to expand on. Don't get into arguments about differences right away! That can be entertaining later, but you need to find common ground and build a relationship a little first. Once you hit common ground then usually the conversation can expand from there around things that are familiar to both of you. It is much easier to talk one on one with people, try to do that if possible when people break before jumping into the groups. Once you know someone in the group then it is much easier to join without feeling completely out of place.

Common topics - hometown, career for adults, where did they go to school, what subjects are they taking for students, hobbies, questions relating to the class or event you are in, etc. For your specific situation maybe things like when did you start dance? What do you like about dance? What other subjects are you taking this year? Again you're looking for that me too opportunity, then you can say something like me too! I really loved it, wasn't it really funny, what did you think about when xyz happened, do you remember that?

For groups, look through the news, specifically for things that are interesting to you that you think might also be interesting to others. Find a few stories each day, and practice telling them in your own words. Then, when you see the group, try asking something like did you hear about what happened down the street last night? No...what? Go into your story. Or yes...ask a few questions about it or make a few comments. Might try another story. This also works for individuals, but for one on one time you want them to feel like you care about them more than just always you being in the spotlight.

Click the Magic of Instant Connections is a great book on getting past that initial awkwardness. Summary of Click: The Magic of Instant Connections | ShanePurnell.com

Study up and then get out there and try it. You're not going to be perfect the first time out, you'll most likely stumble and feel embarrassed, but that's part of learning too. You're not going to get better unless you try, so if you want it to change you have to take the chance and put yourself out there. It will never change otherwise. Shyness like most other things, can be overcome with practice, it gets easier every time you make a little progress. Count it as a win if you get them to say more than two words back to you .


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## idklol (Aug 20, 2014)

AnonymouMaleSapien said:


> I have similar struggles with social anxiety. Have you seen a therapist or psychiatrist? Therapy and medication has helped me a lot! So I understand if you don't want to take meds.. There's some over the counter things that can help.
> Other things that help are meditation stretching yoga exercise.. Also, desensitization.


I've talked to someone before and at the time it was a lot worse and it helped, but now I don't think it's as severe so idk


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## idklol (Aug 20, 2014)

bollocks said:


> Has being shy had any other effect on your life so far, or only in this situation?


Mostly with this, but in general it's mostly when I feel inferior


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## idklol (Aug 20, 2014)

Gossip Goat said:


> Oh my God...I'm also on the dance team (irrelevant) and I also feel the same way, not only within the class, everywhere else as well. I know right, starting a conversation with someone isn't easy...keeping it going is even worse...I've kind of given up, I feel like no one wants to be friends with me because I have nothing to offer.


Same. I never feel like I belong during practice...


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## idklol (Aug 20, 2014)

WinterFox said:


> Sounds like anxiety to me.
> 
> I have General Anxiety and I also act the same way as you.


I used to have bad problems with generalized anxiety as a kid, but i thought it went away... is it manifesting itself again or is it just shyness


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## idklol (Aug 20, 2014)

bluekitdon said:


> One thing I've learned over the years is that most people are too involved with thinking about themselves to worry about what others are doing. I highly suspect they barely even notice what you are doing unless you are up dancing on a table or something.
> 
> I used to be pretty shy, more just didn't know what to say like yourself. Here are my suggestions on what worked for me.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much! I will try these.


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