# SX-last



## sweetrice (Jun 21, 2019)

This is gonna be long.
For the first time, yesterday, I truly _saw_ how I am sx-last, and I realized that it's been something I've always "struggled" with throughout my life.

My deepest most irrational insecurity, present ever since I was as young as I can remember, is, quite simply, that I'm an introvert. It's not something that I can reason myself out of.. Deep down, I just wish I were an extrovert, social, someone with a lot of friends.
It's worth pointing out at this point that although I'm an introvert, I'm still very people-oriented. 

I've always had a struggle between the side of me that wants to keep to myself, and the side that thinks I _should _be being social and talking to that acquaintance over there to get to know them better, maybe get closer with them.
As a 417 tritype (frustration triad), I want to emphasize just how much influence and importance the part of myself that thinks things _should_ be differently takes. I always told myself to make more of an effort to talk to people instead of staying to myself or my small group of friends, and I would beat myself up over the fact that in the moment, the truth was that I simply _didn't want to. _On days when I had a lot of energy it was somewhat easier to force myself to be more social, but it doesn't stop the fact that it was still a struggle, and that it's so so much more comfortable for me to keep to myself/my already-friends.

Recently I realized that if it's so hard for me to get myself to be more social, it's not what I _truly_ want. It's very hard to reconcile the fact that what I actually want and what I think I should be are entirely different things. For some reason, ever since I was young, the fact that I should have a lot of friends has been ingrained in my mind as the ideal, and I can't get it out.

Anyway, onto Part 2. It seems I rarely truly want to make an effort to speak to people that I don't yet consider myself to be somewhat close with
(in fact, the way I measure if I'm actually "friends" with someone regardless of how well we know each other yet, is if I find it takes no summoning of will for me to go up to you and speak. It's easy, effortless, and I don't feel any discomfort that would cause the opposite reaction in myself. For some people it's instantaneous. For others it can take months and even longer for me to reach that stage.)
So back to what I was saying before the parentheses, I guess we can extend that to say, it's simply very rare that I truly like anyone, feel a pull towards them. Of course I have felt the feeling before, but I guess I've never paid any attention to it. There was no difference between if I _thought _I _should _try to be friends with someone VS if I actually wanted to aka I feel a pull towards them.

I realized it's so so so rare for me to actually like someone, that I do not in any way have a small inkling of dread in talking to them, that I never find myself procrastinating replying to them when we message (something I do for almost everyone- a really bad habit), that I intensely look forward to being with them, that I would happily sacrifice my time (something that is very precious to me) for them. That I always think about them before bed, and always find myself writing about in my journal. All this, not even romantically.
I wish it weren't so hard to come by for me!!! I feel like all my life I've been searching for and dreaming about the few people that I will really, really like, and that will stick by for a long time. It feels like a hole that I'm starving to fill, yet I can't.

Now that I look at it this way, I feel like I have the most dispassionate existence (one void of any passion/intensity, that is). SX-blindness 

I've always blamed myself for being the boring one that no one ever cares to get to know (in hindsight, it's easy to see that it's just that I'm so outwardly aloof and intimidating (in person) and quiet, I've been told this many times as well). This is not uncommon for SX-blinds, I think, but when someone actually makes an effort to talk to me or something, I get so happy it's almost pathetic- because that never happens! Anyway, this belief of my "boringness" goes hand in hand with that other deepest insecurity of myself I mentioned at the beginning.
But, I guess, maybe it's not that I'm the boring one (well, I can't be not-boring to everyone!) but that I chronically find other people "boring". Well, that's a crude way of putting it, but what I mean is that maybe in my mind a person really interests me (and this is not uncommon) and I will continue talking to them, but in my heart, I'm just pretty disinterested.

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IF YOU HAVE READ UP TO HERE: DAMN! THANK YOU!
Sooooooooooooooo,
Besides the fact that writing this out is pretty cathartic and that's mainly why I'm posting it, I'd also like to know what are your reactions to the above. Especially if you are SX, how does this compare to your experience? Maybe I've got it wrong, the interpretation. I don't know. In any case, please let me know.

my main question, to SX peeps: is it not rare for you to find someone you really feel a pull to? or is it that you are always very consciously looking for it it so it just seems like it isn't?
when you feel that pull to someone, you aren't concerned about the longevity of it, are you? I think when you are SO/SP (at least my experience of it is) that is a very important factor to me. but it's kind of unrealistic, isn't it? how come it doesn't concern you as much (besides the obvious explanation that it's because of your instinct)
what do you do when you feel a pull towards someone but they aren't really responsive? do you mostly just shrug and move on after a while? for me it would be like a huge blow to my self-esteem (and then, like usual, I will pick myself back up from the ground..)
mebbe I'll add more later.
ehhh i hope i explained everything well so you understand correctly.


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## Jaune (Jul 11, 2013)

citronnade said:


> Besides the fact that writing this out is pretty cathartic and that's mainly why I'm posting it, I'd also like to know what are your reactions to the above. Especially if you are SX, how does this compare to your experience? Maybe I've got it wrong, the interpretation. I don't know. In any case, please let me know.


Thanks for sharing all that, I'm glad it was helpful to you.

I am actually 99% certain that I am SO-blind; however, I can relate to several instances of your post. It may be because we are both contraflow types (I think I'm sp/sx but I've also been typed as sx/sp and variants are just something I don't understand as well), or simply both introverts. But I'll elaborate.



> My deepest most irrational insecurity, present ever since I was as young as I can remember, is, quite simply, that I'm an introvert. It's not something that I can reason myself out of.. Deep down, I just wish I were an extrovert, social, someone with a lot of friends.


I wish the same, and I've always wondered if it's simply "grass is always greener."



> Recently I realized that if it's so hard for me to get myself to be more social, it's not what I _truly_ want. It's very hard to reconcile the fact that what I actually want and what I think I should be are entirely different things. For some reason, ever since I was young, the fact that I should have a lot of friends has been ingrained in my mind as the ideal, and I can't get it out.


I also relate completely to this. Being social in the first part is hard for me due to strong social anxiety and trauma due to adolescent rejection, but I suppose I could be making more efforts in that realm if I truly wanted more friends. I feel like part of the reason I do want to have friends is so that I look less like a fucking loser (and is one of the reasons why I hate myself for having gone 22 years without ever having a significant other).



> So back to what I was saying before the parentheses, I guess we can extend that to say, it's simply very rare that I truly like anyone, feel a pull towards them. Of course I have felt the feeling before, but I guess I've never paid any attention to it. There was no difference between if I _thought _I _should _try to be friends with someone VS if I actually wanted to aka I feel a pull towards them.


I relate to the first sentence. I rarely like people, or want anything to do with them. It's just that when I feel some sort of strong connection toward them, it's strong AF. However, I don't relate to the "I guess I've never paid any attention to it." Is that the sx-blind for you coming in?



> I realized it's so so so rare for me to actually like someone, that I do not in any way have a small inkling of dread in talking to them, that I never find myself procrastinating replying to them when we message (something I do for almost everyone- a really bad habit), that I intensely look forward to being with them, that I would happily sacrifice my time (something that is very precious to me) for them. That I always think about them before bed, and always find myself writing about in my journal. All this, not even romantically.
> I wish it weren't so hard to come by for me!!! I feel like all my life I've been searching for and dreaming about the few people that I will really, really like, and that will stick by for a long time. It feels like a hole that I'm starving to fill, yet I can't.


And this is one of the most relatable things in your whole post. I strongly desire strong connections, romantically would be nice with me, but I've also hungered for a platonic friendship that lasts through everything. I want to be someone else's most important person, and them mine. And I want this sort of relationship to last a long time. Meanwhile, I dread talking to basically everyone I know (even if I like them). I can't seem to fill that hole either.



> Now that I look at it this way, I feel like I have the most dispassionate existence (one void of any passion/intensity, that is). SX-blindness


I type as an SX user because I think I'm a very passionate person in other ways. I dive in deep when it comes to my hobbies, which are more than simply hobbies to me. What I feel for them is what I imagine love feels like. I'll devote all my thoughts and waking hours to them. I'll spend my time getting to know them inside and out. And I'll be horribly depressed (more so than usual) without them. They fill holes that can't be filled by anything else.

I don't feel that my life is necessarily "fulfilled" because I am a horrible person inside and out and nothing can change the body I was cursed to be born in. However, I don't think my life is missing passion or intensity, because I release it through the non-person things I love.



> I've always blamed myself for being the boring one that no one ever cares to get to know (in hindsight, it's easy to see that it's just that I'm so outwardly aloof and intimidating (in person) and quiet, I've been told this many times as well). This is not uncommon for SX-blinds, I think, but when someone actually makes an effort to talk to me or something, I get so happy it's almost pathetic- because that never happens! Anyway, this belief of my "boringness" goes hand in hand with that other deepest insecurity of myself I mentioned at the beginning.
> But, I guess, maybe it's not that I'm the boring one (well, I can't be not-boring to everyone!) but that I chronically find other people "boring". Well, that's a crude way of putting it, but what I mean is that maybe in my mind a person really interests me (and this is not uncommon) and I will continue talking to them, but in my heart, I'm just pretty disinterested.


I think I'm the boring one all the time, honestly. I like my interests, but I know they're not for everyone, and it's boring to hear me talk about the same 3 things I'm obsessed with.

It goes the same way that I'm constantly bored by other people. Sometimes they interest me but I have no interest in connecting further with them because I don't have any inkling of "sx" with them. I often just stop talking to people because I'm over the whole conversation and it does nothing but drain my energy.

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> Especially if you are SX, how does this compare to your experience? Maybe I've got it wrong, the interpretation. I don't know. In any case, please let me know.
> 
> my main question, to SX peeps: is it not rare for you to find someone you really feel a pull to? or is it that you are always very consciously looking for it it so it just seems like it isn't?


I don't know about other SX users (and maybe my opinion doesn't matter since I may be SX-aux), but man, it's incredibly rare for me to find that pull when it comes to people. I am always very consciously looking for it, but I can't seem to find it and I don't want to force it. I do feel like something is missing, but I just don't think I can find it considering the people around me.



> when you feel that pull to someone, you aren't concerned about the longevity of it, are you? I think when you are SO/SP (at least my experience of it is) that is a very important factor to me. but it's kind of unrealistic, isn't it? how come it doesn't concern you as much (besides the obvious explanation that it's because of your instinct)


I am very concerned about longevity. Maybe it's 6, but I don't want to ever be loyal to someone unless I know for sure they are loyal to me. And there's no certain way to test someone's loyalty, but time is a better indicator than most things.



> what do you do when you feel a pull towards someone but they aren't really responsive? do you mostly just shrug and move on after a while? for me it would be like a huge blow to my self-esteem (and then, like usual, I will pick myself back up from the ground..)


It would be a huge blow to my self-esteem and I wouldn't be able to pick myself back up from the ground, honestly. I never recover from rejection, and it still stings every time I think about it, almost as hard as when it happened in the first place (sometimes as hard or even harder, depending on my mood). I can't easily shrug it off. This is why I don't show my pull towards someone unless I am certain they feel nearly the same way about me. Or at least, I try not to.


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## Full_fathom_4 (Jan 23, 2018)

It's a good post! Cathartic rules the day. I'm jiving with what you're laying down


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## Glad (Mar 13, 2020)

Hi! I self-type as an sx/sp 1.


citronnade said:


> when you feel that pull to someone, you aren't concerned about the longevity of it, are you? I think when you are SO/SP (at least my experience of it is) that is a very important factor to me. but it's kind of unrealistic, isn't it? how come it doesn't concern you as much (besides the obvious explanation that it's because of your instinct)


I extremely care about the longevity of it. maybe cos im a 1 but im not someone that forsake people easily to go search for others, I also think time is a huge factor In relationships.


citronnade said:


> what do you do when you feel a pull towards someone but they aren't really responsive? do you mostly just shrug and move on after a while? for me it would be like a huge blow to my self-esteem (and then, like usual, I will pick myself back up from the ground..)


it wouldn't be like a huge blow but ill be bothered cos I feel like I like this person but he/she doesn't like me bad, so ill feel upset. and im a pretty persistent and stubborn person so I think I will continue liking and trying to pursue this person unless he/she rejects me (no matter relationship or friendship


citronnade said:


> I were an extrovert, social, someone with a lot of friends.


not allll sxs are extroverts... I used to think im an extrovert but nowadays I start thinking more and more, wondering if im extrovert or introvert. im definitely not a shy person. im friendly and outgoing and confident, but at the same time, I can literally stay at home and rot for weeks. im totally fine not using social media for a long time, and m fine doing my own stuff.


citronnade said:


> I think when you are SO/SP (at least my experience of it is) that is a very important factor to me.


actually u sound more like a sp/so or smth cos I always thought that if its ur dominant instinct, literally ur life revolves mainly around it (if we only segregate life into 3 parts) the fact that u rly dun dare to make friends and be sociable and step out of ur comfort zone doesn't sound like so-dominant to me (of course this is not the only factor, so-dom shld be naturally able to see like the hidden social meanings behind people and their words? and when in a grp can feel the energy of the grp?) I might be wrong bcos I think I read somewhere that ur second instinct is usually the one u notice that u do in ur daily life?? oh ya, I dun only count sx instinct as only feeling the pull and chemistry towards people, I think its also reflected in the way u do stuff like im very passionate about things I like, I can literally keep researching about that topic that im interested in and find out shitloads about it until im pretty well-verse in it. oh ya and I get bored easily. but maybe sp-dom stuff will do things more moderately and so-dom stuff can be very rational and cool about it idk. if we were to have symbols, I see sx-dom as fire, so-dom as low-temp water and sp-dom as ground lol. my personality is also very... Idk how to desc, I dun see myself as rash and fiery but ppl do see me as fiery, aggressive, hot-headed, hot-tempered so ya... oh ya btw u shld search up abt enneagram syn flow and contra flow. its related to the instinctual stackings.


citronnade said:


> For some reason, ever since I was young, the fact that I should have a lot of friends has been ingrained in my mind as the ideal, and I can't get it out.


erm, this wasn't ingrained in my mind every since young, but I always tot I shld be a popz girl lol. interestingly, the thing that was ingrained in my mind since young is always love-related stuff. like I always think about crushes and romance dramas when I was young, I like to imagine and act (by myself in my bedroom with my blanket😳) when im teenage, I like to think about when ill get married, how many children I have, what kind of guy ill be with (when I had no crushes) and the guys that I like, they tend to be more outstanding and popular, the one common trait between all of them is their either smart/talented. and then I like to think about what kind of guy is suitable for my sis, my bff blah blah... im pretty sure not everyone thinks like me bcos my sis, sp-dom, she be like why u always think about all this, u shld start doing ur wk instead lol. even up till now (im 19), I still like to think about all this.(what guy ill end up with blah blah) I like to read novels, create characters and like imagine romance stories.


citronnade said:


> if I actually wanted to aka I feel a pull towards them


if im honest, the first time I felt 'pull' to random people/classmates/strangers was when I was in primary school. I felt this inclination to want to be best friends with this certain classmates cos of various reasons. its damn stupid like it was just the heat of the moment but I was really nice to her and she was shocked bcos we weren't close at all.

ok. im so-blind(self-typed), bcos I was bullied and hurt in the past, I was abt making frens for many years in my life. but afterwards when I grow up and mature and m not wounded anymore, I started being like whats the point about popularity, friends and all those shit. like bruh u will lose frens anyway as yall go on diff paths, having a lot of frens even tire me cos like I gotta rmb what they like, I gotta spend time w them, plus emotions and relationships are so easy to change. so now im like wtv man, ppl like me, then they like me, they dun then they dun. but I think bcos of the bullying experience, I became from an insensitive betch to a more sensitive to ppl feelings person.



letdown said:


> I strongly desire strong connections, romantically would be nice with me, but I've also hungered for a platonic friendship that lasts through everything. I want to be someone else's most important person, and them mine. And I want this sort of relationship to last a long time.


this is me ^ like srsly


letdown said:


> I type as an SX user because I think I'm a very passionate person in other ways. I dive in deep when it comes to my hobbies, which are more than simply hobbies to me.


omg samee


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## d e c a d e n t (Apr 21, 2013)

Hmm that's interesting. Definitely not something I relate to because I never felt a need to be more social. I would be happy to live in total isolation if I could. But I actually enjoy talking to people (as long as they aren't boring) or feel drawn to them, so in a way I'm almost the opposite of this. xD Like it can be frustrating that I crave connection and stuff when I wish I could do without it and just be self-reliant.

But I've also seen _Social-lasts_ say similar things. Like they have a hard time keeping up with or maintaining their friendships because it feels like an obligation and they end up neglecting them. So that's also weird to me. Like I'm not friends with anyone I see as an "obligation" lol, being friends implies that I'm actually interested in them and naturally gravitate towards talking to and spending time with them. And I have to wonder, why if they feel like such an obligation or pain to keep up with, are you even "friends" in the first place?

Anyway one thing I do relate to about your post is the part about longevity (if I understand it right). Because I feel like it's not going to last beyond the moment it's kind of meaningless and sad. And I always expect more out of things (wonder if it could be Fi/Nei-sh, because I always see this potential for how things could develop with someone) and I've been disappointed a lot. And I have to wonder what is the point if it's never going anywhere?

So yeah... both Sx-lasts and So-lasts can sound weird to me, so idk what to think sometimes. =P


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## d e c a d e n t (Apr 21, 2013)

@*Glad*
You really don't sound So-last. Rather it sounds like you're negatively identified with So which isn't necessarily the same. Something like SoSx sounds more likely based as that's what you're primarily tracking. Sx-doms aren't the only ones who can be passionate, it also depends on what you're passionate about since each instinct has something that arouses them.


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## Glad (Mar 13, 2020)

d e c a d e n t said:


> @*Glad*
> You really don't sound So-last. Rather it sounds like you're negatively identified with So which isn't necessarily the same. Something like SoSx sounds more likely based as that's what you're primarily tracking. Sx-doms aren't the only ones who can be passionate, it also depends on what you're passionate about since each instinct has something that arouses them.


Nah I'm pretty sure I'm sx1 cos I self-typed according to the complete enneagram book by Beatrice chestnut, I also read up a lot of Claudio Naranjo. The So part I described is just a part of my experience, I feel like Im def not so-inclined cos like theres was a period of time that I had a lot of friends and I just couldn't handle the relationships then I just stop hanging out with some frens and focus on a few. and I really dislike the social norms that people set on the society although I myself also do this sometimes. I also am really blind to like the hidden meanings in interacting (erm idk how to explain this properly sry if u dun understand) with ppl lol. like u know the hidden meaning in words and usage of words and like the connections when in a grp or socially hanging out with frens. thats why I offended a lot of ppl. for sx-wise, hmmm idk how to describe but i'm pretty intense I guess? I mean I wouldn't desc myself as intense but many peeps see me liddat too haiz actually idrk know how to desc the sx instinct lolz, but I think im an sx. actl at first when I didn't understand instincts well enuf I tot I was sp/so 1 but after I understood I know im sx/sp 1 but yea I negatively identify with So so maybe that's why u think im so-dom cos so-blind peeps are suppose to neglect more with that aspect of their life instead of negatively identify right? hmm idk how to explain to u... I guess one aspect is that I really neglect my social life nowadays after I got over the bullying incident lol. I literally dun go to social media for like weeks and talk to my frens and stuff, I jus stay at home and do my own stuff that im interested and im always very passionate about what im interested in. I know so-dom also can be passionate about stuff but im pretty sure the stuff im passionate about has got nth to do with what so-doms are passionate abt. (which is social relations, connections, society, community, power, frens?) nt sure if this is the right identification with what so-doms are interested in? but i believe although every dom instinct can be passionate, the way they handle their passion and approach is different. I think so-doms wouldn't go overboard and forsake the other things that they have to do to go and 'pursue their passion' but im a person that's liddat. I literally have this 'thing' that im interested in and ill research on the net all about it until I feel like I know enuf abt it.


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## sweetrice (Jun 21, 2019)

Thanks for helping me get some perspective, everyone! ^-^



d e c a d e n t said:


> Like they have a hard time keeping up with or maintaining their friendships because it feels like an obligation and they end up neglecting them. So that's also weird to me. Like I'm not friends with anyone I see as an "obligation" lol, being friends implies that I'm actually interested in them and naturally gravitate towards talking to and spending time with them. And I have to wonder, why if they feel like such an obligation or pain to keep up with, are you even "friends" in the first place?


So that's the thing.. so many of my friendships with others felt more like an "obligation" but I literally didn't consciously realize it. i think the fact that i was so out of touch with this.. whatever it is, is an example of sx-blindness. (@letdown in response to one of your questions in your reply)



> So yeah... both Sx-lasts and So-lasts can sound weird to me, so idk what to think sometimes. =P


yes, one thing i've noticed is that we both may be overly neurotic about the same Sx things, but just coming from different places[/QUOTE][/QUOTE]


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## Buttahfly (Jul 30, 2013)

> Recently I realized that if it's so hard for me to get myself to be more social, it's not what I _truly_ want. It's very hard to reconcile the fact that what I actually want and what I think I should be are entirely different things. For some reason, ever since I was young, the fact that I should have a lot of friends has been ingrained in my mind as the ideal, and I can't get it out.


Wow, I relate to this so much. I also recently realised this. I tried to force myself to be more social and extroverted for years and years. At some point even with alcohol and drugs. But it never worked. I always thought I just have social anxiety and need to get over it or something. And I do have aocial anxieties, but I'm also just heavily introverted.

I'm bad at instinctual variants, so I can't write anything meaningful, sorry, lol. But I'm also one of those "I feel like I'm sx-dom, but it doesn't really make sense and people always type me as sp/so..."-people and I relate to a lot here.


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## Neetee (Sep 24, 2019)

citronnade said:


> is it not rare for you to find someone you really feel a pull to?


That depends on the environment, perhaps p ≈ 0.2−2%.



> when you feel that pull to someone, you aren't concerned about the longevity of it, are you?


The longevity of the pull or of that person? Both are unknown and don’t matter.



> how come it doesn't concern you as much


Music always fades away.



> what do you do when you feel a pull towards someone but they aren't really responsive?


Like a shopper in an antique store where the very best items are also incredibly expensive: “It wasn’t meant to be”.



d e c a d e n t said:


> But I've also seen Social-lasts say similar things. Like they have a hard time keeping up with or maintaining their friendships because it feels like an obligation and they end up neglecting them. So that's also weird to me. Like I'm not friends with anyone I see as an "obligation" lol, being friends implies that I'm actually interested in them and naturally gravitate towards talking to and spending time with them. And I have to wonder, why if they feel like such an obligation or pain to keep up with, are you even "friends" in the first place?


Many satisfy their hunger for closeness within the family; others may have too little talent for getting rid of unwanted acquaintances.


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