# Door-slamming... not just INFJs?



## SilentScream

Happy about Nothing. said:


> Makes sense to me, in that I've seen that when I express my appreciation for INFJs it seems to make some very uncomfortable. *ENFJs really just want to connect on a deeper level with people,* and some people are really not comfortable with that, as it makes them vulnerable. Sometimes I walk away with my tail between my legs after opening up to someone.


I also want to further add that this is also a primarily sx dom thing. I'm willing to bet that so and sp ENFJ types may not be able to full relate. This was an issue I noticed in the ENFJ section where that instant chemistry/pull I feel with her sx-doms just wasn't there. I'm assuming most other ENFJ's on PerC are not sx doms - or haven't at least shown that intense side of their personality quote as much. 

Dominant feeling types - combined with dominant sx, based on my observations and interactions, do seem to have issues both connection and detaching their emotions from the intensity of connection they demand _and give_ in relationships. Emotional involvement becomes at an all-time high --- and therefore getting "tossed" by someone else's door-slam is more painful than what I believe sp and so types will describe. 

Lastly, I have a theory that door-slamming may also be an sp-first behaviour ... and those INFJ's who are sp-first may exhibit/indulge in it more. 

@_Btmangan_ --- You're an 8w9 with NF judging tendencies - which is why I believe you have this stronger desire to get it all, or mostly out of your system before walking away with a resolution, or close to a resolution - and probably can't relate to other INFJ's in this particular aspect.


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## Reicheru

GoodOldDreamer said:


> INFJs don't doorslam because they "emotionally freak" from someone's actions. Well, okay, healthy INFJs don't. Anyway, what happens is that we recognize when someone is being toxic, and so we remove them (and their toxin) from our lives after a certain point, usually after attempts to help them have failed and there is little other recourse. It's generally a Ni/Ti reaction. "Okay, this guy is bad news. Drop him like a bad habit or we're going down with him."
> 
> Our doorslam is much more figurative. While I can see an INFP doorslamming also, I'd imagine it's much more literal, even on an internal basis. Think about someone physically slamming a door out of anger/sadness/whatever. Yeah, I'm pretty sure it'd be like that. The INFJ doorslam is more like quietly shutting the door and locking it, lol. "Doorslam" is mainly just for dramatic effect, I think. And it's usually referred to as such by whoever caused it rather than by us. Or, well, me.
> 
> I shouldn't speak for every INFJ. :happy: See, that's the thing about Fi vs. Ti. Fi says "WTF?! To hell with this guy! *slam!*". Ti says nothing, shakes his head, turns and walks away, never to be seen again. (Or rarely, depending on circumstances.) That's my take anyway.


this.

INFJ here.

there comes a point where all of my forgiveness and understanding has been exhausted, if not abused, and i have to recognise when somebody is more trouble than they're worth - and so, i quietly let go and leave them to their life and move on with my own.

sure, it may seem sudden, but i can assure you that i always put up with a great deal more than i should before finally closing the door on such nonsense.

it irks me when i see other posters complaining about the "INFJ" tendency to do this simply because it's been done to them and so they're bitter about it. i mean, the possibility that they may have done something to invite such a reaction is totally proposterous, right? *eyeroll*

personal doorslam count this year: 2.


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## Happy about Nothing.

Reicheru said:


> this.
> it irks me when i see other posters complaining about the "INFJ" tendency to do this simply because it's been done to them and so they're bitter about it. i mean, the possibility that they may have done something to invite such a reaction is totally proposterous, right? *eyeroll*


Or perhaps there is a possibility that also isn't the case.....which is why a lot of posts discuss the difference between "arbitrary" and "necessary" door-slamming. 

"Arbitrary" door-slamming could be conflict avoidance, or even manipulation to see if the other person still "cares" enough to pursue the relationship. 

"Necessary" door slamming is usually when an individual has undergone some type abuse from the other person in which renders the separation necessary.

Do I think arbitrary door-slamming is exclusive to INFJs? No. Does it happen. Yes.


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## Resolution

Happy about Nothing. said:


> Makes sense to me, in that I've seen that when I express my appreciation for INFJs it seems to make some very uncomfortable. ENFJs really just want to connect on a deeper level with people, and some people are really not comfortable with that, as it makes them vulnerable. Sometimes I walk away with my tail between my legs after opening up to someone.
> 
> The draining thing makes sense, but it makes things complicated. It's as if you guys want all this attention and affection, but then to be away from it at the same time. I sometimes find the push-pull dynamic to be exhausting as well. If I knew I was draining someone with my extroversion, I would feel really bad about it. :/ I guess it's inevitable.....


I understand. 

I feel guilty for asking for my alone time. I can feel how alienated the other person becomes, especially romantic partners. 

But that's how I am, I've found.

@_Tortured_ Weeeeee! Someone understands me.

<(^____^)>


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## SilentScream

Btmangan said:


> @_Tortured_ Weeeeee! Someone understands me.
> 
> <(^____^)>


Aaaand his Fe shines through 

lol .. we share the 8w9 [though mine is a fix, not a core]. 

Always wondered why our discussions always ended in something like this:


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## Resolution

Tortured said:


> Aaaand his Fe shines through
> 
> lol .. we share the 8w9 [though mine is a fix, not a core].
> 
> Always wondered why our discussions always ended in something like this:


But when we work together. . .


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## SilentScream

Btmangan said:


> But when we work together. . .


Oh man .. look at those man boobs and muskles o.0 

I'm .. almost .. hypnotized 0.0


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## Resolution

Tortured said:


> Oh man .. look at those man boobs and muskles o.0
> 
> I'm .. almost .. hypnotized 0.0


I've wanted to post that vid on something for the longest time. 

It's glorious.


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## SilentScream

Btmangan said:


> I've wanted to post that vid on something for the longest time.
> 
> It's glorious.


Heey .. you're definitely getting better  I remember you once mentioned that you wanted to be able to post appropriate memes and stuff like the NT's.


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## Reicheru

Happy about Nothing. said:


> Or perhaps there is a possibility that also isn't the case.....which is why a lot of posts discuss the difference between "arbitrary" and "necessary" door-slamming.
> 
> "Arbitrary" door-slamming could be conflict avoidance, or even manipulation to see if the other person still "cares" enough to pursue the relationship.
> 
> "Necessary" door slamming is usually when an individual has undergone some type abuse from the other person in which renders the separation necessary.
> 
> Do I think arbitrary door-slamming is exclusive to INFJs? No. Does it happen. Yes.


i know this, hence why i was talking specifically about those who are simply embittered by the rejection or loss of control, which also happens. typically this is self-revealed in such posts, and even when pointed out the poster refuses to accept their part in this psychological dance. what irks me is when certain individuals refuse to even _consider_ they may be to blame in part, decide that this INFJ is just a meanie poopoo-face, and then they go on to generalise how all INFJs are meanie poopoo-faces.

INFJs are by no means angels, but i do think it's important to look at something like this from all sides, especially with this reputation INFJs seem to have of being more likely to doorslam (fairly or unfairly) than others.

indeed, i have seen hate threads directed at INFJs for this.


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## SalvinaZerelda

caraez said:


> So, I've seen a couple mentions of the INFJ door-slam (sounds so ominous, doesn't it?). But while I'm not INFJ, I can relate to the door-slamming method and have done it once in my life. I eventually let them back in partially, but it will never be the same and I will never let them back in like that again. The only reason I let him back at all is because we'd known each other so long and our families are too intertwined.
> 
> I wonder if this is not just an INFJ method, but maybe an INF method or even IF method. I think part of the reason I eventually door-slammed was because I was unable to effectively communicate what I needed/wanted in a way he understood. (We've two types that are pretty different). Eventually all the problems built up and I emotionally freaked.
> 
> Honestly, I don't think he really had any idea of what actually happened, which just goes to show how ineffective our communication is.
> 
> I was wondering what other types have door-slammed and why. Maybe we can figure out what about us makes door-slamming occur.


I door slammed my distant cousin and former best friend.. 
Necessary because she was slowly beginning to take over my life..
Still, that experience fucked with me badly..
We had so many mutual friends and were friends for so long.. even share family, so we have to wonder if we will see one another at family get-togethers..

I eventually asked her if she wanted to be friends again and prepared myself in case she might try to be controlling again, but luckily she blocked me. 

I still see her messages on facebook, though, and she is friends with my sister..

I would rather find another way to deal with problematic people than door-slamming because burning bridges takes a lot out of me.. v.v


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## bookbutterfly

The doorslam is most certainly not reserved for INFJs only. I've seen ISFJs do this, and I think ENFJs do this as well (though less passive-aggressively than IxFx's, I think  ). I think it has to do with Fe. I won't go into too many details, but basically what emerald sea said pretty much explains it...when Fe gives too much, it comes to a point where they can't anymore, and the only way to shut them out is by doorslamming.

And really, it's just because they're tired of caring so much when others don't.


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## Raewyn

Hmm... It's very, very hard for me to doorslam, but yes, I have had occasions where it was necessary.

Even when I know someone has done a lot of wrong, I tend to still kind of feel bad for them, so while I may put a distance, I don't shut the door. I try really hard to make things work, to try taking the conflicts from a different angle and see it from their possible perspective, etc.

However, I do have moral limits. There are things I've found so reprehensible, so uncompromisingly damaging to another person, that door slamming became necessary, both for my own welfare and that of others. It ultimately comes down to feeling like I need to protect.

It's still hard, though. I hate having to do that to anyone, even people who I think deserve it. It's hard to empathize with people so well and yet say, "No. Get out of my life." It's also hard because, as much as I don't like to, I do have a habit of looking to the past, wondering if I made the right choices. Plus, I will occasionally miss door-slammed person.

I know my beau (INFJ) does this. I mean, he gets so severe about it that he won't even use the person's name anymore when he talks about them in past tense. He'll say, "This friend I had in highschool," or something along those lines. If the person's actual name gets brought up, it rubs him wrong all over. It's almost a little scary, but I know that you have to screw up big time for him to do it, because he is one of the biggest sweethearts I have ever known.


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