# Overcoming social anxiety



## Wisteria (Apr 2, 2015)

There has probably been many threads like these but I need some advice.
From experience does anyone have advice on how to develop decent social skills and stop being awkward and nervous socially? The worst part is that every time I talk to people I end up feeling worse, somehow. My social anxiety got worse when I experienced bullying and criticisms as a teenager, and it made me withdraw into myself even more than I already was, so I guess I was never willing to talk to anyone again in case of disapproval and embarrassment. Honestly I thought I would get better and overcome it eventually, but I'm getting older now and it really needs to change. I can't be independent without self confidence. My shyness will stop me from fulfilling so many opportunities in my life. Was anyone else like this or is it only me? I need to build a lot of confidence but don't know how.


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## Hypaspist (Feb 11, 2012)

There's no quick fix, I know because I also have personal experience with social anxiety. One of the ways is to find an atmosphere where you know people don't have any benefit of criticizing you personally (i.e. classroom) and start talking to others there. Observe before you act, and just get a feel for the environment. Learn what others are talking about, be attentive and see if there's a conversation near you that you're knowledgable enough to jump in on. 

The one thing to remember is being social doesn't carry a 100% success rate. There will be those who criticize and disapprove of you - that's unavoidable. No one is liked by 100% of the people they meet, and the lesson is to not let one rejection or disapproval discourage you too much. It's going to happen, just brush it off and try somewhere (or something else). I walked into my evening class a couple of days ago and said hello. Awkward silence was the response. I tried to joke around a little. Nothing. I could've felt embarrassed and withdrew, but I just saw it as a feeling out process. Everyone responds differently to different prompts, and it's a game/adventure to find out what works.

Get out there and just start practicing, even if it's just a friendly conversation with a cashier at the market. And remember, if someone doesn't respond warmly, don't take it personally. Let it go, and move somewhere else if you can, otherwise just give it a few minutes and try something else. Every environment is different, and there's no single path to becoming more social and confident (which is a whole other topic).


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## ForestPaix (Aug 30, 2014)

I know it's kinda cliche and stupid but wearing some new clothes, and wearing a bit of makeup or doing something new with your hair can help, although it's only a step on the way. High heels make me feel like really confident, although I rarely wear them. I don't recommend this as a long term fix as you have to embrace you, as you are. Giving myself sort of pampering sessions helped boost my confidence too, back when I was struggling with low confidence. I used to think people were just judging me and criticizing me 24/7 but I gradually realised, that everybody is busy worrying about themselves, they aren't even judging you. I think it's important to embrace yourself wholeheartedly (I'm not saying you don't already, but I'm speaking from my own experience) and be comfortable with yourself no matter what. Love yourself and others will love you too. It could just be a matter of time too. I used to be horribly shy, awkward and blush everytime I was spoken too, but a few years down the track, now I'm older and learnt a lot, I've found myself in the position of a group leader in my classes. I dont' believe you'll always be shy, and anxious, but at the same time, there's nothing wrong with being shy  some people might just always be a bit shy.


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

You probably heard it all before, you need to change your perceptions. Because it is your view that causes you to feel bad. You don't just randomly feel anxiety, you are afraid. You need to examine why, you need to understand how the body works, how these responses occur an how to control them. The thing about a therapist is, they cannot fix you. You have to fix you. The most effective thing I did was I just did it. When I had to buy tickets for a movie, whatever it is, I stopped thinking about what was going to go wrong and I just did it. Really need to think less about it and push through these scenarios, it won be resolved until you actually face it. I had social anxiety, I had selective mutism for 16 years. The speed that I improved was ridiculous, I took time yeah, but a few months to fix 16 years, well. The key is that you have to engage yourself in frightening scenarios and you have to experience them. This will help you understand that it's not a big deal and it will become more comfortable over time. But YOU must do it. Nobody else can fix it, they can help you along the way, get you to certain point but the ultimate key is you.


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## yet another intj (Feb 10, 2013)

jennalee said:


> There has probably been many threads like these but I need some advice.


Let's hear the nature of yours inside of it's own logic.



jennalee said:


> From experience does anyone have advice on how to develop decent social skills and stop being awkward and nervous socially?


Realize you don't have to develop any... Unless you are a cavewoman who scream around, punch others randomly and defecate in public.

What is a social skill? You are, as a human being already made of many of them. Ironically, you are paralyzed because of the intensity of your social skills. Dogs are barking, birds are flying and bugs are carrying leaves. They are not worrying about if they are barking on correct pitch, flying with the right rhythm or carrying the best leaf with correct angle. They are "being" those things, beyond prospective anxiety. Unlike them, humans don't know a shit about how to talk, walk or manipulate their environment from birth. Luckily, their only natural talent is socialization. So, stop worrying like you have to perform an artificially learned task. Stop "trying to be" better or worse, just "be" whatever you are.

Are you capable of loving me after I cheer you up with a good joke/hating me after I insult you? That's a social skill... There's no such thing as smiling correctly with the best facial expression/ridiculing efficiently by raising an eyebrow with perfect timing and angle. People are capable of considering you can "be" more or less than what you show them. So many people have resting bitch faces with confidence. 



jennalee said:


> The worst part is that every time I talk to people I end up feeling worse, somehow.


Because it's not "you" who are talking, you are separating from "yourself" when you start talking.






You are listening yourself while talking, your own lips, tongue, words, verbal skills like you are listening a third person. Realize you are a part of everything and that "everything" includes your physical existence, efforts to communicate with others and everything else. It also includes the physical existence of your audience and their own efforts to communicate with you. All the imperfections, shortcomings and problems are filling somewhere inside "everything". Your audience subconsciously knows none of those details mean anything in particular and they can't be better or worse without everything else. They don't really expect anything from you but accepting that existential perspective to join them.



jennalee said:


> My social anxiety got worse when I experienced bullying and criticisms as a teenager, and it made me withdraw into myself even more than I already was, so I guess I was never willing to talk to anyone again in case of disapproval and embarrassment.


The time has passed and you grow up. Your wounds are also grow up with you. If you never touch them, you will never realize they are growing up with you and also healing. You are not alone and you should know many of those bastards suffered beyond your wildest dreams after they walk away from your life. They can insult, torture and even kill you but nobody can "hurt" you if you don't let them. Now you are experienced enough to know how to carefully choose the people who should be allowed to hurt you gracefully. Have a "good" purpose and standpoint in life and exist. Anything and everything is good enough if you honestly believe it.








jennalee said:


> Honestly I thought I would get better and overcome it eventually, but I'm getting older now and it really needs to change. I can't be independent without self confidence. My shyness will stop me from fulfilling so many opportunities in my life. Was anyone else like this or is it only me? I need to build a lot of confidence but don't know how.


Once again, you are not alone... Because you are alone and there are many lonely people who desire the very same things.


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## peter pettishrooms (Apr 20, 2015)

Exposure therapy was at least 60% of my recovery. As terrifying as it sounds, you'll have to get out more because the more you withdraw and isolate yourself, the worse it becomes to the point where you could develop agoraphobia. Find a place other than your room/house where you feel safe. For me, this was the downtown area in my city or a coffee shop near a theme park. It will make meeting people less nerve-wracking. Once the baristas began recognizing me as a regular customer, we chatted more and got to know each other on a personal level. (I almost ended up dating one too.)

It also helps to be around someone you trust when venturing out to unfamiliar places/situations. Make sure you don't rely too much on them though. The point here is to make sure you slowly become independent. They should be there to help cheer you on and consult you in times of a panic attack.


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## Matt The Martian (Jul 19, 2014)

I have problems with this, but I am getting better. I think a big part of it is just getting out of your own way. Don't have that filter in your mind that asks "is this okay to say?", and just say it. My sense of humor is very offbeat, and it really used to weird people out and offend them. It's only through putting it to the test while doing what was natural to me and speaking my mind that I've learned how to present myself in a way that is funny instead of offputting while also staying true to myself. Authenticity and sincerity are really what sticks with people. If you are wooden or you're trying too hard, people won't like that. It's tough when you are worried about how people see you, I get it; I'm still not a social butterfly myself, but you just have to know what it's like to carry on a conversation by doing it, much like anything else. Start off small, and just talk in the situations that are available to you right now. Look for opportunities to do it instead of avoiding them. People and communication are kind of mundane, and experiencing that takes away all of the mysticism and danger, at least for me.


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## Serak (Jul 26, 2012)

Hello, @jennalee.

First, gonna say that I absolutely adore your avatar. Very pretty art, my props to the artist behind it!

Next, this thread caught my attention because social anxiety (and overcoming it) are things I have both first-hand and second-hand experience with.

You've built up an association between socialization and pain. The only way to rectify this is experience and exposure, both of which are poisoned by the pain you'll associate with the experiences. This doesn't mean your situation is hopeless but it does mean you'll have to be more careful.

Baby steps.

Find someone who's willing to be the person you socialize with, the person you confront your fears with, whether they're local or not. Start there. Then use the budding confidence you'll get from taking a chance on a positive stranger and use that to turn it around to meet more and more people, with an emphasis on go after the much scarier face-to-face interactions.

Slowly but surely you'll start to replace your negative memories with positive ones. Things will only get easier from that point on.

Another good strategy is to try to take a more detached approach. Anxiety only comes when you're invested, so try to care a little less. This can be something you use.

For instance! You pick a friendly person on PerC and try to associate with them, unsolicited. Strike up conversation, whatever's on your mind, don't filter yourself at all. No matter what happens? You can just walk away. Tell yourself that over and over, that no matter what happens you're completely safe.

You might find it a good tool for breaking out of your negative, downward spiral in regards to socialization. This experience with the aforementioned stranger on PerC becomes the experience you use to do the same, but maybe in-person with a classmate or colleague you don't ever have to interact with again if you don't want to.

You _can_ do it. We're literally built to interact with each other and you're no less capable.

Besides, with such good taste in art you obviously have something about yourself that others can appreciate!


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## Lemxn (Aug 17, 2013)

Stop thinking about it. That's how I did it.

If you approach people and already thinking how awkward and weird you are, that's what you will get probably; awkward situations.
For some reason, I stopped taking the issue as an struggle and everything went fine.


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## Notus Asphodelus (Jan 20, 2015)

What I do is to wake up at 5am and walk outdoors when it's still cooling and there aren't many people around. I don't know about other people , but it usually takes me an hour to get warmed up towards my environment. Of course, it still does not cure me of my anxiety but when I've been outside for an hour without the slightest discomfort, I take it as a sign that I may continue being outside for the rest of the day. Hence, it's the reason why I like to be a little earlier when attending events that I'm not familiar with so that I could walk around to survey the place and get the gist of how am I supposed to conduct myself. Again, if I don't feel like travelling to school on my own, I would force myself to be in school before the sun rises. It's a quirk of mine. The reason is the weather has much to do with it. Early dawn is best time to get my butt out of the house because the air is just right. Neither too cold nor too warm. Just perfect for me to take whiff of fresh air and breathe. Something about anxiety is that sometimes I forget to breathe. It may not work for other people, but being an early riser works for me towards a certain extend.


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## Jakuri (Sep 7, 2015)

jennalee said:


> There has probably been many threads like these but I need some advice.
> From experience does anyone have advice on how to develop decent social skills and stop being awkward and nervous socially? The worst part is that every time I talk to people I end up feeling worse, somehow. My social anxiety got worse when I experienced bullying and criticisms as a teenager, and it made me withdraw into myself even more than I already was, so I guess I was never willing to talk to anyone again in case of disapproval and embarrassment. Honestly I thought I would get better and overcome it eventually, but I'm getting older now and it really needs to change. I can't be independent without self confidence. My shyness will stop me from fulfilling so many opportunities in my life. Was anyone else like this or is it only me? I need to build a lot of confidence but don't know how.


I have problems with this too, and I usually choose to zone out and fantasize, for fear of saying stupid. I also had difficulty with interpersonal relationships with my peers, though this issue largely disappeared after migrating to North America. 

I find myself crawling inside (mentally), even though I am around people I hung around with (like, my fellow graduate students; it is a small program so we know each other relatively well.). They are talking about some topics I don't know at all, I just withdraw and fantasize. Rationally I know they won't think I am stupid, as long as I show some interest and ask whatever it is they are talking about. But still in my mind, self-consciousness gets me, hence zoning out. 

I know introverts like us have much easier time "extraverting" when they talk about what they are passionate about (or, behave in a much more extraverted way than normal extraverts). Picking up from a poster above who took a notice of your avatar (I concur, it's pretty), perhaps you can find a peer who wants to talk about art. Start from there, and see how it goes. Maybe you can start with another quiet person with pensive eyes -- who may have easier time relating to your difficulty with approaching people and has interesting stuff to talk about.

Also, nudging your Te (if inferior) for a bit here: I mean cost-benefit analysis. The perceived (no pun intended) "cost" here is embarrassment or disapproval. For the most part, other people won't judge you as harshly as you think. That is, this cost isn't as huge. I feel this is not an easy step (probably the hardest step) considering the past. Nonetheless this should be pointed out. Benefit is a possibility of gaining a person you can talk to (and a "baby step"). 

I don't think there is an easy way around other than detaching oneself from anxiety and starting going out there. I believe it is not impossible to find someone who share your interest(s). One shouldn't forget that you can extravert without compromising who you are inside. I conjured up possible characteristics of a person you can start socializing with, and I hope this helped.


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## 66393 (Oct 17, 2013)

My fix was to start by only talking to people _only _if they possessed a material item or knowledge that I wanted to ascertain. I never talked to randoms for the hell of it; I only talked to people when my current desires outweighed my apprehension. I then learned to extrapolate the same skills that I had honed from the times when I used people to get what I wanted in casual social situations. Note: this process took probably 2 years.

EDIT: I know the method that I used seems somewhat amoral, so I'd like to expand on why it worked _for me._ As a kid I was highly sensitive, and very in tune with other peoples' emotions, which caused me to be somewhat sycophantic- I constantly worried about whether the person I with whom I was currently interacting with was dissatisfied with the conversation. It got to the point where I would leave social situations with a cloud of utter distress following me everywhere. I would pick apart conversations, meticulously analyze places where I may have said something that could have been interpreted as offensive and worry for hours. Pretty lame. Anyway, at this point social anxiety was kind of the obvious corollary to my unhealthy thought patterns.


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## bigstupidgrin (Sep 26, 2014)

A couple of thoughts, hopefully one or two are helpful .

1. Everybody's nervous in public. When something has an effect on everybody, I would tend to dismiss it. 

2. Exposure therapy was the key for me, may not be for you, but I would at least try it. Find an outgoing friend and get them to drag you to public events. 

3. "Fake it til you make it". Just acting like somebody who has their s**t together actually builds a lot of confidence. Especially important to remember thought #1 for this. 

4. This is paradoxical to my other thoughts, but you have to forgive yourself for your anxiety as well. If going to the supermarket requires a lot of mental energy and downtime, that's fine. I still have bad days, not to the phobia level, but to the point of feeling stressed out after the social occasion. As long as you can function in the outside world, you can still not be a big fan of it . 

5. What hurt my social anxiety in the past* was the tendency to be codependent on friends and family. A long time ago, I would follow my friend around in between classes in high school because I was too afraid of getting lost or having to talk to people. Again, I'm kind of making a paradoxical point to thought #2, but you don't want to so dependent on one specific person that you need them around to function outside. 

*Also hurting me was being a strong Introvert who didn't need much outside of my own head to remain entertained.


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## Carpentet810 (Nov 17, 2013)

Join the USMC. Your social anxiety will vanish!


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## O_o (Oct 22, 2011)

Not sure if it's already been recommended, by try a retail job at a smaller, boutique store : 

I had a lot of difficulty with social anxiety and honestly, the one way through it WAS through awkwardness, embarrassment. You have to tread your way through and it won't look pretty. But it will definitely get easier and be worth it. I found a job at this small store around the age of 17 that involved a lot of direct communication with customers. Those poor customers, my god, lol, I must have come off as so awkward. But it grows on you : in that position, you're essentially in control. You know more than them. They need you, your advice, your help. I would really, REALLY recommend it : the chances of you seeing them again probably aren't high considering there are always new folk. It's direct exposure that doesn't last for too long. But it throws you right in there, and the hardest part is just making that first step


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## Red Panda (Aug 18, 2010)

I had severe social anxiety about 7 years ago, could barely leave the house for necessities and sometimes I couldn't even go out to throw the garbage. 

Did CBT and took antidepressants and now I'm almost fully functioning. My main issue right now is exposure, since I don't get enough because of life situation right now (just finished university, have nothing to do for now) and whenever I do get it I definitely feel more anxious compared to when I was doing my placement and was around people half the day. I still find it hard to initiate things like taking up hobbies, and going into places with new people by myself, but it's still nothing like before so I'm grateful. I also have trouble with socialization because I'm generally weird and most people don't get me, but that's just part of who I am so I've learned to be more confident about it and not care as much.

Yeah, therapy was very important, I had SO many bad perceptions of myself and how others judge or see me, I couldn't even go out to by clothes by myself because I was judging myself too hard and thought everyone does the same to me and for some reason I CARED about what others thought, which is a very important problem with people who have social anxiety. It takes time and persistence to overcome and change your cognitive biases about yourself, because they are automatic thoughts that you don't even realize you are having.

Also, many of those perceptions have their roots in childhood/teen years, I can still remember incidents that caused me a lot more pain that they should and I'm talking about things like doing something stupid in front of a stranger or having your teacher yell at you at class when you were 7-8.

So yeah, my suggestion is to see a psychologist and talk about it. It's the most common serious psychological issue and I don't think you'll have much problem finding a good therapist to get better. I had to take drugs myself, but that's not necessary for everyone so going to a psychologist first may be better.


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## Wisteria (Apr 2, 2015)

Thanks for your advice everyone!:happy: really i'm impressed at the number of responses. I don't get the joke carpente810 but i'm hardly surprised to see that. I was expecting someone to make a joke a some point in the thread. 

After thinking this through, exposure therapy sounds like it could help a great deal. The struggle has always been with me but isolation will certainly not help. I always try to avoid social embarrassment, but that is the easy way to get out of the situation I guess. To get out of it, it has to be done the harder way, which is confrontation. I heard the hard way is the best way, and through my life that has proven to be true. It's just difficult because I feel bad after talking to people you know? Then I sort of give up. Oh well. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should just learn from my mistakes instead of regretting them.


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## Serak (Jul 26, 2012)

Step by step, @jennalee.

Don't expect the world of yourself on Day One.

Start small and go from there. Confidence will compound on itself and the first good experience feeds into making the next a good experience as well.

You _can_ do it.


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