# How do you communicate with someone who's really sensitive?



## Van (Dec 28, 2009)

My flatmate is a very kind person and we can get along well in the right conditions. The problem we have is that she's really sensitive and I'm the opposite. She rarely does her share of the shopping/housework unless asked directly, and I don't know how to ask her without upsetting her. She can get really defensive about the simplest things like being asked to tidy up after herself or to not leave lights on. Eventually someone else just ends up doing her share. Her former flatmates have cut all ties with her over this.

I've talked to her about it and she said these things: she doesn't like being told what to do, when she's asked to do things she feels like she is being attacked, she simply forgets to do things and she shouldn't be punished for that.

I'm certain that nobody is trying punish her. However, she sees everything people say as being worse than it really is. I can't talk to her because I have the wrong voice or facial expression. She ignores whatever I said and focuses on the fact that I'm 'angry', which makes me angry in turn. My communication skills may not be the best but I don't have this problem with other people. I don't like being cast as some kind of wicked witch in her mind. However, she still seems to see me as a good friend.

We don't understand each other. I'm just all around baffled. It would be nice if my daily life didn't have to involve being pissed off because I had to tidy up after her yet again. Any advice?


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## Lokkye (Dec 28, 2009)

Just tell her nicely that work has to be done and that it's a part of life.
From what I see here, she seems like an FP
You have to make her aware that life comes with obligations and she needs to stop bitching and be able to do those obligations because she isn't a fucking princess and no one is always gonna clean up after her.
If she doesn't get the message even if you're nice to her, you have to act a little more firm than you are already, you need to set rules and make sure that everyone gets an equal amount of labor
Be assertive without being fully insensitive and inconsiderate is the best way to go. If she isn't doing any work she needs to learn how. She can't teach herself, you might as well help her out.
Maybe she was babied as a child and sees such petty things as you punishing her. Maybe you've just had too much and maybe you'll need to use some force (no not physical or verbal abuse lol) you have to make it clear to her what you want her to do, and what responsibilities she needs to take. If you act to her nicely about it she won't take you seriously, maybe you''ll just have to hurt her feelings in the end


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## Cheveyo (Nov 19, 2010)

She sounds like a mix of my ex gf and my younger brother.
How the hell have you managed to stay sane in their presence?


Honestly, there's nothing you can do to avoid having them get all hurt. Learn to live around them. I mean LITERALLY around them. Just live your life avoiding their shit.
Think of it like a game. They'll throw shit at you and you have to dodge it. 
You're going to offend her, there's no avoiding it. So just shrug it off and keep going.


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## Kareno (Oct 4, 2010)

If there really is no way for you to reprimand her without her throwing her defensiveness up and thereafter ignoring the rest of your requests, I would suggest trying more subtle means.

Relocate the mess. Leave her responsibilities in her area. Say if she can't shop for everyone she can't eat your food. The way I see it, she's not really experiencing the effects of her laziness. You are. You're cleaning up for her, doing extra shopping/chores, and so on. Don't argue with her if she starts getting hurt/defensive when you bring her pile of dishes to her bedroom - act like it's not your fault, just a fact of life that dirty dishes don't disappear. Just say that you've done your dishes and now you're cleaning the sink so you needed to move hers, and that she can do whatever she wants with them except leave them lying around the house.

Yeah, it's passive aggressive. Apparently straight-up aggressive isn't going to work from what you've said, so that's what I'd do. If that didn't work, I would tell her to shape up or I'm moving out/finding another roommate depending on how the lease works or whatever.


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## amon91 (Feb 1, 2011)

You're gonna live with her for a while, so you better not upset her unnecessarily. Personally I can lay things out without sounding "angry", and I think you should make the effort to do the same. Lay things out in a way she'll be forced to understand she has to do the chores. If needed, make a schedule and set what each one of you has set out to do. Use that to hold her accountable. If that doesn't work, you can always threaten her you'll move out, always in a sincere but constructive way.


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## sprinkles (Feb 7, 2010)

There's some kind of irony in putting "angry" in quotes then admitting that you in fact are angry in the full sense of the word.

Just an observation.


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## saynomore (Feb 27, 2010)

Written Reminders:Yay bureaucracy. This will better work if both of you are doing it, as she won't feel defensive or be able to say you're being hostile. If you make it consistent enough, perhaps she will make the connection of responsibility + effort = equilibrium. I doubt this will work though, because any given slouch usually needs some tangible motivation (Office Space). If you can come up with a motivator, than that might do the trick. Positive reinforcement always works better than negative.

Group Effort: If you schedule a time and day where you both do chores together than she a) won't be able to forget, b) she will feel socially pressured to perform as well as her peer(s), c)she won't feel punished, and d) she may come to subconsciously want that allotted time for bonding/closeness. Ask her if there are specific chores she does not enjoy and other chores she's okay with. If you can trade certain household tasks, you might see some results. Admittedly, this strategy would work a lot better if you had other roommates.

The reason why I used to litter was because it didn't directly affect me (or so I thought). The same goes for your situation. She is unaffected by her destructive habits. If you can figure out a way to make her actions undeniable, by all means. In any case, the best of luck to you.


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## DoveEyes (Feb 17, 2011)

Sing this to her:

*to the left to the left, everything you own in a box to the left*


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## susurration (Oct 22, 2009)

You could always leave passive aggressive reminders all over your flat XD


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## WickedQueen (Jun 1, 2009)

She's not sensitive. She's selfish, very subjective, and too defensive.

If I'm in your position, I will tell her:
"Look, you hate it when others trying to tell you what to do. On the other hand, I also hate to tell people things they are supposed to do, I want them to be responsible with their task without me telling them what to do.

I don't care that you are very easy to forget. That's your problem and it's not fair that I have to suffer because of that. So you need to find a way to deal with it AND still finish your task. Don't throw your shit on me or else I won't hesitate to show you how annoyed I am.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not angry with you. I just want to make sure that you know how unwilling I am to deal with other people's shit. I'm too lazy and too selfish for that."


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## Van (Dec 28, 2009)

Thanks, everyone. I especially like your group effort idea, saynomore. We could get some results without all the upset.



sprinkles said:


> There's some kind of irony in putting "angry" in quotes then admitting that you in fact are angry in the full sense of the word.
> 
> Just an observation.


Haha, true. The real angry is a reaction to the label 'angry', which basically makes her right. It's a vicious circle.


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