# red pill



## sokmunki (Jul 8, 2009)

originally posted: 13 apr 08

x i usually describe myself as shy - usually to a perfect stranger that i've started a conversation with - so they usually look at me like "yeah, right". so, maybe i'm not shy... anyway, when i meet someone who is particularly interesting, i usually ask them what they want to be when they "grow up". typically, i hear about different career goals ranging from finishing their degree to running for president. sometimes, i get the deer in the headlights look. after some prodding, the deer usually come up with some "decent" career goals as well. but after this, i ask what they would do if they were paid $1 million a year to do whatever they wanted. this answer is almost always different and it drives me crazy - worse than a rubic's cube - i can't figure it out - but i want to so bad. why do people have these career goals but it's not really what they want to do? i have had some minor career goals throughout my years but it's only because i don't know what the hell i want to do. once i figure out what i would do if money wasn't an issue, i would drop everything and do that. i hope... 

i recently asked my "million dollar" question on an airplane and the girl answered and turned it back on me. i think it's the first time that's happened, i have a terrible memory though, so maybe it's happened before. if it has, i probably felt the same embarassment that i felt on the airplane. embarassment that i really have no answer. i told her i would like to sail around the Caribbean on a sailboat and maybe do some scuba diving. i would like that, but it's so hollow. i have a burning passion for SO much more - i just have NO IDEA what it is. i want to do something... big. i want the ENTIRE WORLD involved, but i have no idea what it is. i just feel like part of me is missing or messed up. it seems like everyone else is content, or would like to be content, with getting married, getting a job, having 2.5 kids and an overweight dog on prozac - content to get a job doing something that they don't really want to do... some are fortunate enough to enjoy their jobs but i would wager that, of those fortunate few, even they would rather do something else with their time.

it seems like everyone else can look through a window and see their future - accurately or inaccurately - makes no difference. they see something. it also seems like, even though they see this image of their future, they look through the same window and daydream about a future they feel certain will never come to pass. i feel weird because i see neither. i look throught the window of my future and i see nothing - a void. there are no daydreams either. just nothing. it is so disconcerting. it feels like no one else even understands what i'm talking about. i've given up entirely on finding someone who actually experiences the same thing. it creates a VERY lonely environment for me, but, at the same time, it creates a very detached feeling. i feel very detached from what is going on around me - almost like i have an objective view of the world and my own life. i know this sounds weird (like everything else hasn't), but it feels like i'm all alone in some kind of experiment. i think this detached feeling is the reason why i'm spooky cool when the shit hits the fan. (i think it's also the reason why more intuitive people get "weird vibes" from me when we meet) 

a dire emergency is a violent shift in most people's sense of reality. for me, it is simply more of the same. whether i'm in a car wreck, someone is shooting at me, or i'm grocery shopping, it is all the same to me. sure, there are DRASTICALLY different consequences and actions required. the speed of action required is also different, but if you really want to break it down, EVERY situation is different. grocery shopping is as different from driving 70mph down the highway as eating a hotdog is as different from a car wreck. for me, "emergencies" are just not emergencies to me. i have to confess, i feel more comfortable when everyone around me is freaked the f*** out. nine times out of ten, people do what i tell them to do, and if they don't and i knock them out, no one really blames me for it. even when i make bad decisions, usually no one cares because i'm the only one with the presence of mind to even make decisions.
maybe it's this detached feeling that makes me seem outgoing. i feel that i am shy because i don't really know what to say or how to act to be 'accepted' normally. it's easy for me to look around and mimic what everyone else is doing but i hate that everyone else seems to "know" what to do and i have to study them to find out what i should do. talking one on one with someone is extremely difficult. so many times i've wished i could hear the conversations of others as a fly on a wall. sometimes i have, and i am still baffled. it seems that every conversation i've heard is so different. i can't figure out why i have such a difficult time with one on one conversations. i've done some "undercover" work where i had to 'pretend' to be someone else. i managed to do it extremely well but i don't want to pretend to be someone else in order to have a simple conversation with someone. if i'm just myself, i give off the "weirdo vibes". and don't EVEN try to tell me it's self confidence. i'll smack the shit out of you. sometimes i do what the hell i want to do just because i'm too tired to pay attention to everyone else. when i do that, people usually wind up staring, pointing, and/or laughing. i've come to enjoy hanging out at 'goth' gatherings simply because i can walk into the middle of them wearing a three-piece suit or my favorite camo pants and they would barely notice me either way. society in general is just so extremely rigid to me...

so, i really have no real talents other than being comfortable with chaos and having a chameleon-like mimicking ability. this still doesn't help me to discover what i want to be when i grow up. i really don't want any jobs that use those skills. i've seen them and they're not for me. i don't care if i'm a born natural basket-weaver, that's NOT what i'm gonna do with my life. i really would like to know why i can't see ANYTHING through the window of my future, but i'd settle for a little brainwashing right now. i would like to be happy with getting married, having a picket fence, and a 401k. i feel like everyone got offered the blue pill or the red pill. everyone else took the blue pill of blissful ignorance, but they slipped the red pill in my dr pepper when i wasn't looking. WTF! thanks assholes.

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i wrote this back in april of '08. man, how things have changed. i'll update on the changes once i get all my myspace blogs transferred over here. i just like having all my crap in one place.


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## Happy (Oct 10, 2008)

Wow! Very nice sokmunki! Welcome to PersonalityCafe.  Thanks for joining.


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