# Instinctual variants & moving on.



## kaleidoscope (Jan 19, 2012)

There's a certain idea that Sx-doms are the ones to move on easier than Sp-doms and So-doms, perhaps because they believe they'll find better, combined with a tendency to always look for the next best thing.

Unfortunately, this is true for me. I tend to be the one to break up because I'm unhappy/dissatisfied due to my needs not being met. I'll be eager to find someone who'll treat me better, but also feeling _*free*_, because a dissatisfying relationship is suffocating to me. It makes me feel trapped. 

On the other hand, break ups are speculated to be more difficult for Sx seconders.



> Sx firsts know they can move on and fall in love again, while Sx seconds might worry that, because it took so much for them to open up and connect, they will have a hard time trusting enough to do that again.


(Source)

Now, this topic is pure speculation, and certainly not set in stone. I thought it would be interesting to explore tendencies among instinctual variants, so please share your experiences.


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## Doll (Sep 6, 2012)

For the record: 4w3 sx/so, 4w3 - 9w1 - 7w6, INFP, blah blah.

I have a difficult time settling in the first place because of my tendency to be turned off so easily. As soon as I see a flaw it's like, "wait, I can find this somewhere else..." I've only been in one other relationship other than the one I'm in now, which some find strange because I'm sx-first and people seem to think they're specifically romantic relationship-oriented. For me, it was more about the strong connection to something - it didn't have to be an SO. In fact, it rarely was. It was most often friends, or even concepts.

Moving on can be easy for me, although I'd be lying if I said I didn't fear my ability to find something else. Still, it never holds me back for long. I found this old livejournal (lol emo) entry from my past (when I was with my ex and debating leaving her), and it speaks pretty clearly of my thought process: 

_Sometimes I wish that matters of the heart were easier to control. I hate that I let my emotions get the best of me. I hate acting like a person that I wouldn't normally abide by. Is it always true that the person you're with brings out the best in you? It seems like (x) brings out the worst in me. I hate being that person... that paranoid, jealous, insecure person. I look into the smallest things and take offense to them... I find every wrong thing about what she says, what she does, and I turn it into this catastrophe. Why do I do this? It's as though I wish to sabotage myself, when that isn't true at all. I don't know what I've done... I feel like moving in with her was a mistake.

Am I supposed to change? Am I supposed to want less, or let the good outweigh the bad? I'd like to do that, too... I really would... it would make things so much easier, for both of us. It isn't fair to her that I'm unhappy, is it? Maybe I expect too much... I've always been such a critical person. Of course, as soon as I love someone... it has to be complicated. And upsetting. And a variety of things. I wish I could just see into the future and know what will have happened, because I think it would put me at ease. I don't want to waste my time being unhappy.

She doesn't experience sexual attraction, towards men or women, so our relationship lacks that... sexual element. I never thought it was important to me, but I think it might be. I'd feel like such a man breaking up with someone over that. It just makes me feel so useless and ugly. It's as though... I'm being wasted. I suppose that's the right way of putting it. I'm being loved, but not appreciated as fully as I could be... 
_


Granted, that was written... wow, four years ago. I'm SO happy I left, for serious.


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## Libra Sun (Sep 7, 2012)

> [Sx seconders] can become just as bonded and "extreme" about the connection, once they really lock in. Sp/sx's can be awfully tenacious about their bonds, once they really trust someone


I'm sp/sx and this is so true for me. I find, even in friendships, it's really difficult for me to let go and move on. Once I feel bonded with someone, I (sometimes selfishly) expect everything to stay the same, and once _I_ feel the connection has fizzled (in some cases, the other person doesn't), I'm extremely let down and become distant. However, while I may distance myself outwardly, I internally cling onto what used to be and what _could_ be. 

I'll be honest, I've only had one romantic partner (and we're still together), but I'm often unsettled and unhappy due to my emotional needs not being met, yet the thought of living without her terrifies me far more than living an unsatisfying emotional or sexual life. I can't imagine breaking ties because I need the security of having.. not necessarily any partner.. but the one person I've known my entire life, even if it's not the healthiest relationship at times.


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## Paradigm (Feb 16, 2010)

I don't really feel like reading the EIDB thread right now >_> The excerpt you posted describes me, though: 


> Sx seconds might worry that, because it took so much for them to open up and connect, they will have a hard time trusting enough to do that again.


I guess it depends on how one describes "moving on." I find it easy to move on in terms of actions and removing my/their presence, but difficult to move on in terms of thought processes. I'm still having mental and emotional hang-ups about my first (only) relationship a year ago and that's mostly because I feel guilty about the way I handled it ("I was very 7ish" is the tl;dr). And I remember a lot of my previous friendships. I make/keep most of my friends with the expectation we'll know each other for _years_, which I think seems unusual to a lot of people. It's nothing they've said, just barely-perceptible hints over time. Friends are not something I make often, for that reason: I feel like I have enough because I try to keep them for so long.


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## Mizmar (Aug 12, 2009)

I've only been in one relationship and we are still together. Suppositionally, if we were to break up I'd find it a deeply traumatic experience but not because I don't believe I could find someone else (though I probably wouldn't even bother looking for someone else for a looooooooooong time afterwards). It would devastate me because a) I would miss her terribly and b) I would worry about the hurt and pain she would be going through as a result of our break up.

I type myself as a Sexual subtype.


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## heaveninawildflower (Feb 5, 2012)

I am sp/sx. I have no problem moving on. In my last relationship I asked my ex to leave, and when he did, I changed the locks on my doors and I moved on with my life.


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## sodden (Jul 20, 2009)

kaleidoscope said:


> There's a certain idea that Sx-doms are the ones to move on easier than Sp-doms and So-doms, perhaps because they believe they'll find better, combined with a tendency to always look for the next best thing.
> 
> Unfortunately, this is true for me. I tend to be the one to break up because I'm unhappy/dissatisfied due to my needs not being met. I'll be eager to find someone who'll treat me better, but also feeling _*free*_, because a dissatisfying relationship is suffocating to me. It makes me feel trapped.
> 
> ...


I used to be like this, very quick to move on. But in those situations I was never really in love so it was easy. I was the one to try to end my relationship with my husband, as well, but then I realized he was who I wanted to be with, so it was better to stay and make it work. 

Unrequited love has always been very painful for me, though. I have a hard time moving on from that, I guess because I felt like something supremely strong was there, but I guess the other person didn't, and I find that confusing.


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## Cassieopeia (Jan 9, 2012)

I honestly think this has to do with MBTI. I'm a sx ISFJ, and... my feelings are very intense, and I also tend to be in it for the long haul. ISFJ's tend to be the committed ones who might even stay in bad relationships because they find it difficult to let go, and I think sx ISFJ's probably even more so. My ex was a sx ENFP, and he was obsessive and sooo dramatic at the end of the break-up but moved on waaay more quickly than I did.


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## sodden (Jul 20, 2009)

Cassieopeia said:


> I honestly think this has to do with MBTI. I'm a sx ISFJ, and... my feelings are very intense, and I also tend to be in it for the long haul. ISFJ's tend to be the committed ones who might even stay in bad relationships because they find it difficult to let go, and I think sx ISFJ's probably even more so. My ex was a sx ENFP, and he was obsessive and sooo dramatic at the end of the break-up but moved on waaay more quickly than I did.



I think sexual nines are way more likely to stick with people for the long haul. I think that my six head type and nine gut make me more committed as well than say, a sexual 478 would be.


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## aconite (Mar 26, 2012)

brainheart said:


> I think that my six head type and nine gut make me more committed as well than say, a sexual 478 would be.


:sad:


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## kaleidoscope (Jan 19, 2012)

@Paradigm

I'm a lot like you, actually. I can move on in the sense that I can go on with my life and function properly, but they would still be in my thoughts, and I would rehash and mull over things often. It's not like I wake up one day and I'm not thinking about them anymore at all. In fact, I have a strong memory and can still remember the tiniest details from my first relationship for example, even though emotionally, I'm very much over them.

I'm not sure if that's really what you mean. But even though I might not have a breakdown, it's hard for someone to leave my thoughts easily, friend or lover. 



> I make/keep most of my friends with the expectation we'll know each other for _years_, which I think seems unusual to a lot of people.


This. I'm a lot like that, I cannot ever make friends with the idea in mind that we'll fall apart in a while. It's not the kind of friendship that appeals to me, in fact if I get the feeling that this is what'll happen, I don't even pursue that friendship in the first place. 

As an SX 4, disillusionment and disenchantment cause a lot of resentment within me, which makes it easier to leave when I'm not satisfied anymore (strictly in a romantic context). I get frustrated when my needs aren't met, and that drives me to just give up if I feel like things won't change. I won't settle. So the break up is easier on me emotionally, in a way.


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## kaleidoscope (Jan 19, 2012)

brainheart said:


> Unrequited love has always been very painful for me, though. I have a hard time moving on from that, I guess because I felt like something supremely strong was there, but I guess the other person didn't, and I find that confusing.


Yes, it's weird! Unrequited love is much harder to get over than an unsatisfying relationship for example. I think this quote describes it perfectly:



> The unreal is more powerful than the real. Because nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it. Because its only intangible ideas, concepts, beliefs, fantasies that last. Stone crumbles. Wood rots. People, well, they die. But things as fragile as a thought, a dream, a legend, they can go on and on.


Makes sense, doesn't it? It's like reality hasn't yet tainted the object of your fascination, and so it's even harder to let go of, because it's still perfect in your mind.


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## sodden (Jul 20, 2009)

kaleidoscope said:


> Yes, it's weird! Unrequited love is much harder to get over than an unsatisfying relationship for example. I think this quote describes it perfectly:
> 
> 
> Makes sense, doesn't it? It's like reality hasn't yet tainted the object of your fascination, and so it's even harder to let go of, because it's still perfect in your mind.


Yes it's very easy to idealize what wasn't real.

@_aconite_, sorry. I didn't mean for that to sound like a bad thing. Sometimes staying committed isn't the best thing to do; sometimes it's best to move on. They both have their pros and cons.


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## Paradigm (Feb 16, 2010)

kaleidoscope said:


> I'm a lot like you, actually. I can move on in the sense that I can go on with my life and function properly, but they would still be in my thoughts, and I would rehash and mull over things often. It's not like I wake up one day and I'm not thinking about them anymore at all. In fact, I have a strong memory and can still remember the tiniest details from my first relationship for example, even though emotionally, I'm very much over them.
> I'm not sure if that's really what you mean. But even though I might not have a breakdown, it's hard for someone to leave my thoughts easily, friend or lover.


That is mostly what I meant, yeah. I'm not one for details, but that seems like a minor nitpick for the correct concept. For me, it's usually either an overarching impression or periodic memories (or both). I err on the side of avoiding the topic completely in conversation, and I don't think that's just guilt speaking because I don't particularly like talking about previous friendships. Think it's more related to my preference of the future and ignoring of the past.



> This. I'm a lot like that, I cannot ever make friends with the idea in mind that we'll fall apart in a while. It's not the kind of friendship that appeals to me, in fact if I get the feeling that this is what'll happen, I don't even pursue that friendship in the first place.


It's actually one of my Lessons of 2012, "how to spot a temporary friend" and/or "how to be friendly without connecting." I'm currently in the middle of a frustration that a guy I want as a (proper) friend is probably more of the "non-connecting" sort-- he seems like a 7w8 so/sp and doesn't seem very receptive to anything beyond what we have now*. And who knows how long that'll last. I'm almost thinking, what's the point if it lasts for a while and we don't get to a proper friendship stage. So... I guess I'm still learning and it should be "Lessons of my early 20s" 

*In case you're wondering, we're like acquaintances in class. Little beyond the equivalent of, "What was the homework?" and "How do you solve problem 13?"



> As an SX 4, disillusionment and disenchantment cause a lot of resentment within me, which makes it easier to leave when I'm not satisfied anymore (strictly in a romantic context). I get frustrated when my needs aren't met, and that drives me to just give up if I feel like things won't change. I won't settle. So the break up is easier on me emotionally, in a way.


I think I do this from a slightly more 7ish perspective, though 1 and 4 undoubtedly play a part. It's roughly the same thing, not being satisfied (not strictly romantically, since I'm romantically-lacking). I feel the pull of 6 telling me, "Shouldn't you be happy?" and then everything else whining, "But it's not _right_." My frustration really colors everything and it shouldn't, but it's a constant battle.


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## Jennywocky (Aug 7, 2009)

I find it very difficult to move on. (I'm likely SX/SP vs just SX purely.) For a long time, I just wouldn't; now I know better and make the choice to do so because I see it as necessary and better in the long term, but it's not a pleasant experience and is an act of courge for me.

Why? because I have found so few people in the world who have deeply opened themselves to me. It hurts when someone I've invested so much in leaves or I feel the relationship must end, because my experience has NOT been that it is "easy to find someone else." I usually feel more loneliness than connection.

I'm wondering too if SP's find it easier to move along (rather than not) because they are so self-contained and have protective boundaries all around themselves, they never truly get attached in the same way anyway. No matter what happens outside of themselves, they are still self-contained and will always have themselves.

I'll be interested to watch this discussion unfold...


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## madhatter (May 30, 2010)

Hmm, interesting topic. I've never been in an intimate relationship, so everything I say is speculation on my part (also, I won't be voting in the poll because of this). I'm SP/SO and with things like friendships that have faded away, I am able to move on and let go. I had a similar discussion with an SX-dom friend, and she was just learning about letting some connections naturally fade. And I realized that I had this down to a science...I have always easily been able to let go. Perhaps a little too easily. It's not that I don't think about these people from time and time, and hope for the well-being. But, I am awfully self-contained and detached.

So, that's been working on me for a while now, in the back of my mind. I recognize my tendency to put up walls and withdraw and how that pushes people away. So, when I see myself pulling back too much or fading away into the background, I force myself to take the initiative, and try to maintain bounds and connections with people. Instead of not paying attention to anything outside my sphere and waiting for things to come to me, when I think about a friend I haven't seen in a while, I'll try to act on this thought. Maybe, send a text to this friend, and say, "hey, thinking of you. Let's hang out soon." and then actually follow through with it. Just to let them know that I'm not dead, and that I still care.


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## bearotter (Aug 10, 2012)

I was dumb and voted thinking in an abstract way - moving on in general.

Anyway, my meaning is basically that I cannot move on easily, because I'm filled with doubt that my longings can ever be fulfilled. However, I can detach rapidly, in order to protect myself, and that's what I do in fact do.


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## mushr00m (May 23, 2011)

I find that I don't really know because sometimes I'm able to move on very quickly and sometimes I have a terrible time moving on. My emotions fluctuate a lot so I suppose that's one thing and sometimes I'm just more gripped by some people than others. Sometimes it's hard to move on out of fear, the thought of just deluding yourself to know that everything will just fuck up or my efforts will be worthless. I have little faith in that process. There needs to be an expectation that the grass really is greener on the other side and everything will be okay. I don't trust very well in the process that things can improve based on my own efforts and that's down to self esteem issues and being told over and over that you are destined for not a lot. Thing is I still have high expectations for how things should be and turn out and that's something that I need to be much more realistic about.
Interesting thread:kitteh:


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## Curiously (Nov 7, 2011)

Sp/sx here; I can move on relatively easily. I'm in no hurry with matters of the heart. Plus, I would make a rad single, old lady...Coffee & cake at my house, anyone?


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## Helios (May 30, 2012)

Curiously said:


> Sp/sx here; I can move on relatively easily. I'm in no hurry with matters of the heart. Plus, I would make a rad single, old lady...Coffee & cake at my house, anyone?


I'm with you there actually. xD

Well the closest thing I've had to a relationship was with someone I believe to be an ISFP 4, probably sx dom. He was anything but over his break ups most of the time, and often times tried to get back with his exes at some point in the future. Sometimes it worked, but sometimes it didn't. I think that's kind of what drove he and I apart, and his insistence on me "waiting for him" as far as commitment goes. 

So when push came to shove, I burned that bridge in a dazzling display of fireworks with absolutely no regrets whatsoever. Sp/sx style of course. Sure I miss some of the things we had to an extent, but shit happens and life goes on. There are 7 billion people on the planet, so why cry over one?


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## aconite (Mar 26, 2012)

4w3 Sx/So and easy. In fact, all of my past relationships ended with me breaking up. I believe my 7 fix makes me more prone to get bored and disenchanted, to start looking for distraction. Well, I usually react very strongly at first, but moving on has never been hard. I just need some time to vent my anger, frustration and pain; next comes apathy, indifference, followed by a nice cathartic feeling afterward. The older and healthier I am, the faster I get over it. I just prefer to focus on the future instead of wallowing in pain. I think, though, some of my decisions were too hasty and reckless. Anyway, I can't really understand people who regurgitate their past relationships ad nauseam. I mean, what's the point? It's not like you can change the past.


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## n2freedom (Jun 2, 2011)

I didn't vote in the poll because it really does depend for me. I suspect that I am sx/sp. I'm typically the one to leave the relationship but I can't necessarily say it's all instinct influence on that one. I agree with the OP in that I feel trapped and suffocated by unsatisfying relationships. Majority of the time I am the one who leaves because the relationship was unsatisfying to me or I lost interest. 

I love the posts above on unrequited love. Of all the relationships I have had THE most difficult time moving on from were the unrequited love ones....two to be exact. I love the quote about the real vs the unreal as it truly does capture the essence of the madness that surrounds unrequited love. However, even those case I will leave and can leave if the other person stays away. However, if they return it's not so easy for me to say no and keep it moving. At least, the two times I have experienced it.

Outside of the two unrequited love relationships....I don't have any problems with moving on and cutting my loses and NOT looking back. Most of my friends were shocked that after I divorced my ex-husband that I never fooled around with him again..not during the separation and not after the divorce either as most often people do.

But when I look at this


> Sx firsts know they can move on and fall in love again, while Sx seconds might worry that, because it took so much for them to open up and connect, they will have a hard time trusting enough to do that again.


 
I would be Sx second because it does take a lot for me connect, once I connect it's easy for me to open up. And, I definitely have hard time trusting enough to do that again. Ironically the only times I really felt like I was truly "in love" was with the two unrequited loves and they were exactly 20 years apart. I guess based on that I'll maybe be willing to try it again in another 20 years. :wink:


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## kaleidoscope (Jan 19, 2012)

n2freedom said:


> I would be Sx second because it does take a lot for me connect, once I connect it's easy for me to open up. And, I definitely have hard time trusting enough to do that again. Ironically the only times I really felt like I was truly "in love" was with the two unrequited loves and they were exactly 20 years apart. I guess based on that I'll maybe be willing to try it again in another 20 years. :wink:


Interesting. I'd say being a "vigilant" type would probably make you seem quite Sp like even if you're not, because there's an awareness of boundaries, that makes trust something you don't give out easily. Perhaps that might explain why you relate to the Sx-second condition more than the Sx-first one.


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## n2freedom (Jun 2, 2011)

kaleidoscope said:


> Interesting. I'd say being a "vigilant" type would probably make you seem quite Sp like even if you're not, because there's an awareness of boundaries, that makes trust something you don't give out easily. Perhaps that might explain why you relate to the Sx-second condition more than the Sx-first one.


I don't consider myself a "vigilant" type as I don't keep a careful watch for possible danger. However, I am a distrustful type in that I know not everyone is going to be a good steward of my heart especially in romantic relationships. I can love someone and not be attached to them which was the case with my ex-husband. I can easily walk away from someone who I have no attachment to regardless of how I feel about them. 

However, if I allow myself to become attached to that person, they can cause a lot of damage because essentially I have let them all the way in. Being hurt by someone whom I loved and allowed myself to become attached to is a very deep wound for me. And, although I have physically moved on maybe even to another relationship...it takes years and years for me to recover. As it was in the case of unrequited love #1 and I suspect it will be the same for unrequited love #2.

In other words my mistrust would be more like putting up burglar bars, getting a dog, or installing an alarm system to keep potential predators out. Not, installing a camera and reviewing the tape, joining a neighborhood watch program, asking my neighbor to keep a watch out for my house and checking in with them on a regular basis, peeping out the windows and/or constantly checking the doors to ensure they are locked. 

I have my security/protection in place that automatically does the work for me unless I give the security code to the wrong person. However, I wish I was "vigilant"....then I would know who not to give the security code to in the first place. Now wouldn't that be nice?


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## Kito (Jan 6, 2012)

I get over things really quickly. At worst I'll sulk for a day or something, but after that I start looking forward again. It's not really in my nature to dwell on the past.


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## kaleidoscope (Jan 19, 2012)

Wow, seems like most SP firsts find it easier to move on. Sx firsts are almost equally divided. Very interesting.

Question to SP doms: Do you feel it's because you don't let someone in completely in the first place, that it's easier for you to let go when a relationship becomes unsatisfactory or unhealthy? Is it because you always maintain a sense of independence and are relatively self-sufficient? 

Calling in @Kito, @brainheart, @Paradigm, @madhatter, @Curiously, @FacelessBeauty, @snowangel (and whoever else)


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## Helios (May 30, 2012)

kaleidoscope said:


> Question to SP doms: Do you feel it's because you don't let someone in completely in the first place, that it's easier for you to let go when a relationship becomes unsatisfactory or unhealthy? Is it because you always maintain a sense of independence and are relatively self-sufficient?


I may not let someone in right away, but it happens gradually over time. Even when I let myself get close to them on a fairly deep level, when it becomes more than I'd care to deal with, or I just don't feel like putting effort into it anymore, it's a lot easier to let go. Even when I'm involved with the person, I maintain a sense of independence. Relationships for me are like having two ribbons that are intertwined rather than two pieces of clay that merge together completely. There will always be us, but where I start and you end will be distinguishable. That's probably why I don't understand how some of my friends don't feel "whole" or "complete" after things end with someone.


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## Kito (Jan 6, 2012)

kaleidoscope said:


> Question to SP doms: Do you feel it's because you don't let someone in completely in the first place, that it's easier for you to let go when a relationship becomes unsatisfactory or unhealthy? *Is it because you always maintain a sense of independence and are relatively self-sufficient?*


The bolded is mostly true for me. I always enjoy the feeling of freedom that follows a break-up, whether romantic or platonic. It's like shedding old skin that's doing nothing but slowing you down. 

I've never experienced a break-up where every fibre of my being wanted the person back. Whether that's natural or simply because I wasn't attached enough, I'm not sure.


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## Kito (Jan 6, 2012)

FacelessBeauty said:


> I may not let someone in right away, but it happens gradually over time. Even when I let myself get close to them on a fairly deep level, when it becomes more than I'd care to deal with, or I just don't feel like putting effort into it anymore, it's a lot easier to let go. Even when I'm involved with the person, I maintain a sense of independence. *Relationships for me are like having two ribbons that are intertwined rather than two pieces of clay that merge together completely. There will always be us, but where I start and you end will be distinguishable. That's probably why I don't understand how some of my friends don't feel "whole" or "complete" after things end with someone.*


This is also very true, especially the bolded. It's like there's always "me and you" but there's never "us".


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## kaleidoscope (Jan 19, 2012)

Kito said:


> This is also very true, especially the bolded. It's like there's always "me and you" but there's never "us".


I wonder why I can somewhat relate to this..


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## aconite (Mar 26, 2012)

Kito said:


> This is also very true, especially the bolded. It's like there's always "me and you" but there's never "us".


Well, for me it depends. In some relationships I could relate... but if I'm very much in love, I then no. It's "us".


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## Kito (Jan 6, 2012)

kaleidoscope said:


> I wonder why I can somewhat relate to this..


Do you want your relationships to be an "us" but always find them being "me and you"? If so that sounds like a common Sx frustration. xD Sp doms would probably be more comfortable remaining separate.


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## kaleidoscope (Jan 19, 2012)

Kito said:


> Do you want your relationships to be an "us" but always find them being "me and you"? If so that sounds like a common Sx frustration. xD Sp doms would probably be more comfortable remaining separate.


That makes a lot of sense, Kito The Great roud:


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## heaveninawildflower (Feb 5, 2012)

kaleidoscope said:


> Question to SP doms: Do you feel it's because you don't let someone in completely in the first place, that it's easier for you to let go when a relationship becomes unsatisfactory or unhealthy? Is it because you always maintain a sense of independence and are relatively self-sufficient?


I was able to detach emotionally. I think it was a way for me to protect myself from being hurt when the relationship became unsatisfactory or unhealthy. So I was able to let go and move on.


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## n2freedom (Jun 2, 2011)

FacelessBeauty said:


> *I may not let someone in right away, but it happens gradually over time.* Even when I let myself get close to them on a fairly deep level, when it becomes more than I'd care to deal with, or I just don't feel like putting effort into it anymore, it's a lot easier to let go. Even when I'm involved with the person,* I maintain a sense of independence*. *Relationships for me are like having two ribbons that are intertwined* rather than two pieces of clay that merge together completely. There will always be us, but where I start and you end will be distinguishable. *That's probably why I don't understand how some of my friends don't feel "whole" or "complete" after things end with someone*.


 Great post. I heavily identify with bolded above. Especially your last sentence. As a matter of fact, I roll my eyes when I have friends in relationships who all of sudden only know plural pronouns....we, our, us, etc. They get so caught up you can even have a normal discussion because everything is about them as a "couple".


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## Jamie.Ether (Jul 1, 2011)

I'm sx/sp and I find it much easier for myself than others to let go of relationships. However, I don;t "move on" by finding someone else. I feel drained after a relationship ends and highly value much needed time being single.


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## sodden (Jul 20, 2009)

kaleidoscope said:


> Wow, seems like most SP firsts find it easier to move on. Sx firsts are almost equally divided. Very interesting.
> 
> Question to SP doms: Do you feel it's because you don't let someone in completely in the first place, that it's easier for you to let go when a relationship becomes unsatisfactory or unhealthy? Is it because you always maintain a sense of independence and are relatively self-sufficient?
> 
> Calling in @_Kito_, @_brainheart_, @_Paradigm_, @_madhatter_, @_Curiously_, @_FacelessBeauty_, @_snowangel_ (and whoever else)


Well, as I said before, it depends. I've been completely devastated by relationships ending. I get a lot of security and comfort from intimate relationships, not to mention I like the rush of connecting. If I 'bared my soul' to the person/ shared all of my innermost vulnerabilities, and they just discard it, well... I can't think of anything worse. I don't know, I think it's a big deal for me to fully open up to someone, so I feel like I have a lot invested in that relationship. My guess is most 4w5s would feel like this, but I could be wrong (and I guess I am). If I never felt like I was all that close to the person/ or I never shared too much/ or the person was too demanding of me/needy, I have no regrets about moving on because they are causing me to feel either indifferent to them or their needs are stressing me out. I think most of my friendships just kind of fade away, though, if I'm dissatisfied with them. I just stop putting energy into them.

As you know, though, I may be a self pres dom but my sexual is barely one step behind, strength wise. I think what this means is I have high expectations when it comes to my relationships but I'm more likely to make a point of holding on to the ones which bring me security and comfort than a sexual dom might.

(Oh, I finally voted in the poll. I chose 'difficult' because that's usually the case more than the other way around.)


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## sodden (Jul 20, 2009)

Kito said:


> Do you want your relationships to be an "us" but always find them being "me and you"? If so that sounds like a common Sx frustration. xD Sp doms would probably be more comfortable remaining separate.


I'm not sure what this means. I like it to be us, very much, but I also need my time alone and my space. I couldn't be with someone who constantly wanted to stare into my eyes and always spoke in terms of 'we' (although I have my moments where this is totally exhilarating, it's just there's a time limit), I would push myself away from that. I have my own identity and my own interests but I love my romantic relationship and I really prefer to be in a relationship, provided it's a good one and I'm in love. 

However, I should add that I do have a reticence to share a lot of the time and I think it's safe to say my husband doesn't 'fully' know me, which can make me feel a little isolated at times, I wish I was better at sharing, but I think I also do it to protect myself.


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## Sina (Oct 27, 2010)

sp/sx

If I am the one breaking up, I have long moved on. It's not even an issue. If I am being broken up with and the reasons are rational and reasonable, I move on quickly (a few hours to a few weeks). If I am being broken up with suddenly and/or cruelly, I can become very angry and stay very angry not because I was broken up with but because I was disrespected. I am very big on respecting the bond. If you've been with someone for a while (applies to friendships too), don't snap like a rabid dog before charging off in the opposite direction like a cowardly fuckwit. Stop, give someone a timely message that you're having problems and make an honourable end to the relationship and go your own way. Execution matters to me. My ENTJ 7w8 sx/sp bf was an ass when he broke up with me (my first relationship), and he came back to apologize several years later lol. He needed to go back and settle that before he could really move forward. He went from relationship to relationship, fling to fling, ONS to ONS and was dissatisfied and empty inside because he hadn't fully moved on from me. That apology repaired his life more than it affected mine. Point being, break ups are as complicated as relationships themselves.


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## Shadowlight (Dec 12, 2012)

I can mostly talk about friendships here because that's all I've ever really cared for at this point. My sexuality and country of origin make it "awkward" for me to consider relationships at this point plus being in a relationship is at the moment incongruent with my goals for myself. Besides the point I suppose. 

Despite the sx, I don't attach myself to another individual as strongly as I've read some people post in this thread. There is always that sense of being attached to a person's presence and significance in my life, but never really quite an attachment to the point of fear of a separation. I';m quite selfish when it comes to friends and mostly look for people who fulfill something that I want from them. 

Most of my friendships are based on a simple exchange of thoughts, ideas and feelings but that rarely makes me attached to them. I do not like it when friendships end, but most of the time I have a delayed emotional reaction. It hits me much later that I've already moved on and then I wonder if the other person has as well, or not. 

Once a friendship ends (usually ended by me), I think about the other person from time to time, but there is no pining. Losing another person is like taking them and putting them in one corner of my brain where I can access their memory from time to time and locking them away again whenever I want. Accessing another person in my mind occurs most often when I've been triggered by a momento of their existence in my life. 

Mostly, I'm indifferent once the end comes and continue to remain indifferent till I forget them completely. Many of my lost friends are just hollow constructs of my mind with little to no emotional attachment to them. 

That said, I've noticed that most of my friendships are ended by me when I've found someone much more interesting or compatible to focus my energies on.


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