# INFJs and BDSM



## Giga Blender (May 22, 2012)

So this idea has been in my head for some time. I have control issues, I'm a very unhealthy INFJ in that regard. I had a rough childhood and that lead me to developing stronger T while suppressing F as much as I could to control everything to protect myself. Until the past few years I tested INTJ in fact which is actually fairly common I've found in male INFJs, either from situations like what I endured, or from the social stigma for men to not be as emotional or more so than women. But nonetheless the core problem is control. I simply cannot bring myself to let go, even when someone else is taking the lead I have a strong tendency to "top from the bottom" and suggest or explain things in a way that directs the person in charge. To a degree this is also a trust issue, not trusting in another to have everyone's best interests in mind, and the fear of having my sensitive nature abused as well. I finally caved in after years of being unable to talk to anyone about my problems though and trusted in an ENFP friend of mine. She has always been a tremendously helpful and understanding person and she confirmed a lot of what I had been thinking; I had control issues, I needed to learn to take more risks, I needed to trust in others, I needed to embrace my nature and let go.

So I took her advice and did what I had only toyed with as a thought experiment, and admittedly as a fantasy. I'm a lurker on Fetlife, have been for quite a while, but with newfound confidence I contacted a domme who lived nearby that I had been keeping tabs on and had a few discussions with in various groups. Being so used to all my plans falling through you can imagine my surprise when she replied back asking to kik. We chatted for a few days and decided to meet yesterday. Words cannot describe how much I was trembling at the thought of meeting this woman, I seriously wasn't sure if I was going to be able to even make it to the store we met at, and we weren't even jumping into anything BDSM related, just talking, feeling each other out. 

After yesterday I am definitely tremendously confident that she is very empathetic and understands my issues, we talked for a good three hours (and did a thing or two other than talking), and when she had to go she texted me that she really loved just spending time with me and my friends. I just can't put into words how much good I feel she is doing for me. I'm definitely going to be going for a swim in these new waters to explore myself and hopefully improve my life with my mistress. She makes me embrace who I am and above all she pushes me to be confident in that, to own my nature and be proud of it, and make her happy too of course. She knows as well as I do that all I want is to see her smile for me. For me this is as much therapy as it is a lifestyle. 

So I'm curious if other INFJs, or what other personalities, find themselves to be submissive and drifting towards or considering the BDSM lifestyle. What is your opinion on the dynamic of true BDSM, not just as a fetish (we all know it's hot)? If you're a dominant personality though feel free to respond as well, I'm curious what doms and dommes get out of the exchange. I'm not entirely sure on my mistress' personality but I know she cares a lot about changing people for the better and there's only one other person I know like that and that is an ENFP.


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## Azereiah (Mar 25, 2014)

I'm considering it, and a very good friend is trying to get me into it. I've subbed exactly once, and I didn't find it to be *exactly* my cup of tea, but it was good nonetheless. Seems like I'd be able to do it were I in exactly the right mood. I am unlikely to be able to effectively dominate anyone until I get over my strong negative reaction to causing pain and humiliation.

As a lifestyle... I couldn't do it.


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## petite libellule (Jul 4, 2012)

I think it's very healthy to experience the feelings we crave in the bedroom rather than seeking out shitty relationships. I tend to seek a lot of reassurance if I'm deeply involved with someone, and from my experience, I think I just need a person who can swith but who can give me that dominant feedback - so I'm not sitting there anxious without reassurance. This might sound twisted for some but think about it. If I have issues where I'm over thinking, I just need a more intense feedback than most and actually, I personally feel from things I've read, experience and opinion, that it's healthy to seek out that feedback sexually rather than outside of the bedroom.

I do not believe any power exchange stuff should leave the bedroom, nor would I want it to be the only type of sex enjoyed. not that I'm able to enjoy it. I never get that far. I have a REALLY hard time putting myself out there in that community as a submissive or switch, let alone at all, because I find most people to be crazy. And actually, I found myself trying to counsel everybody :tongue: so I never get anywhere. lol!


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## wyldstyle (Feb 21, 2014)

Would not mind an INFJ Dom...I would be an ENFP sub. ButI want someone sensitive and receptive to my needs, but also tells me what and how they want things...


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## shameless (Apr 21, 2014)

Giga Blender said:


> (we all know it's hot)?


Uh I think thats pretty subjective. I am seriously not offended by it and enjoy listening to people talk about it (as its kind of entertaining from social science type of study way). But really thats not really my flavor in the bedroom. I never said I was vanilla. But I am not into BDSM. No pun at all. I just wanted to say it really is a subjective fetish. No its not uncommon. But its not for everyone either. I just don't get off to that style.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

I don't think any one type is into (or not into) sexual fetishism/BDSM, it's a matter of personal tastes, which I suspect are driven more by our own unique experiences and temperaments, more than just the four traits of your MBTI type. As others have stated, it's a subjective thing.


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## laura palmer (Feb 10, 2014)

Seriously if you feel comfortable physically hurting a woman you’re a worthless sack of dung. I don’t care if she “consented” to it. I don’t care if she “enjoys” it. I don’t fucking care.
I do not understand how some people cannot grasp the fact that YES YOU CAN HURT PEOPLE WITH YOUR PERSONAL CHOICES. Like participating in bdsm CAN AND DOES forward the oppression of all women everywhere! It doesn’t matter if it’s all consensual because the center of bdsm says that women are supposed to be subservient and submissive! And it just reaffirms the misogynistic tendencies that are already ingrained your partners brains. And YES that does affect everyone, whether or not you choose to acknowledge it. 
also, stop painting sex as liberation, sex is not a universal want or need, it is not the form of my liberation from anything
And to add some quotes: _The s/m concept of “vanilla” sex is sex devoid of passion. They are saying that there can be no passion without unequal power. That feels very sad and lonely to me, and destructive. The linkage of passion to dominance/subordination is the prototype of the heterosexual image of male-female relationships, one which justifies pornography. Women are supposed to love being brutalized. This is also the prototypical justification of all relationships of oppression—that the subordinate one who is “different” enjoys the inferior position._


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## sccountrygirl70 (Sep 16, 2013)

I am very submissive by nature and have been in and out of the lifestyle over 15 years. I've never lived as a full-time submissive, nor would I want to. I do enjoy the security I feel in a relationship with a dom though and making him happy by doing the things he likes. Relinquishing control in (and out to a degree) of the bedroom is such a liberating experience and I find it takes the relationship to a different level because of the amount of trust required to fully submit. 
I don't want that to be the only flavor in my sex buffet, but I've come to realize it is important enough that I won't enter into another relationship without some degree of that dynamic.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

Zibziby said:


> Seriously if you feel comfortable physically hurting a woman you’re a worthless sack of dung. I don’t care if she “consented” to it. I don’t care if she “enjoys” it. I don’t fucking care.
> I do not understand how some people cannot grasp the fact that YES YOU CAN HURT PEOPLE WITH YOUR PERSONAL CHOICES. Like participating in bdsm CAN AND DOES forward the oppression of all women everywhere! It doesn’t matter if it’s all consensual because the center of bdsm says that women are supposed to be subservient and submissive! And it just reaffirms the misogynistic tendencies that are already ingrained your partners brains. And YES that does affect everyone, whether or not you choose to acknowledge it.
> also, stop painting sex as liberation, sex is not a universal want or need, it is not the form of my liberation from anything
> And to add some quotes: _The s/m concept of “vanilla” sex is sex devoid of passion. They are saying that there can be no passion without unequal power. That feels very sad and lonely to me, and destructive. The linkage of passion to dominance/subordination is the prototype of the heterosexual image of male-female relationships, one which justifies pornography. Women are supposed to love being brutalized. This is also the prototypical justification of all relationships of oppression—that the subordinate one who is “different” enjoys the inferior position._



What would you think if it were the man who was submissive and the woman was doing the beatings? Does your moral stance work both ways, or is that okay?


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## shameless (Apr 21, 2014)

@Zibziby

As I stated above I am not even into bdsm. Do I happen to wonder the psychology behind a lot of the motivation, yes. But... I think its kinda blanketed statement to just presume this nature about anyone and portray it automatically as abuse based on personal opinion.


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## laura palmer (Feb 10, 2014)

@tanstaafl28
I cant think of any good words know, but my friend has some good sources on her tumblr that basically explain my pov
(this is her tumblr)
i built a levee of the stars


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

Zibziby said:


> @_tanstaafl28_
> I cant think of any good words know, but my friend has some good sources on her tumblr that basically explain my pov
> (this is her tumblr)
> i built a levee of the stars


This assumes that all BDSM is about male on female violence. I assure you this is not the case. The truth is that some men and women get sexual satisfaction from pain just as if it were pleasure. They tend to like role-play and the consensual/healthy ones all have "safewords" to keep things from going too far. It isn't one-way: women can be just as active in the inflicting of pain as men. Also some men prefer to be submissive and let the women be the dominant.


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## Giga Blender (May 22, 2012)

tanstaafl28 said:


> This assumes that all BDSM is about male on female violence. I assure you this is not the case. The truth is that some men and women get sexually satisfaction from pain just as if it were pleasure. They tend to like role-play and the consensual/healthy ones all have "safewords" to keep things from going too far. It isn't one-way: women can be just as active in the inflicting of pain as men. Also some men prefer to be submissive and let the women be the dominant.


I feel like I really opened a can of worms for everyone who wants to soapbox at the mention of something perceived as sexual in nature, especially something as powerful as dominance and submission relationships and the psychology behind them, but I appreciate you stepping up to make this case. This is precisely what I'm going through. I have a great many personal flaws and a lot of them stem from the fact that I am a submissive male and I was raised and taught that I mustn't be. It is therapeutic in already a short amount of time to be with this domme. She has done nothing but make me feel comfortable, respected, desirable, and confident in who I am. But nonetheless, this thread was never about advocating any lifestyle. My intent was to talk to likeminded individuals who have experience with the BDSM, such as @sccountrygirl70 (thank you for your post again). I feel that people are quick to jump on the idea that BDSM is all about pain, or bizarre sex, much like the LGBT spectrum is plagued with ignorant individuals immediately thinking of drag queens when they hear it.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

I am trying to explain the sub-culture in a non-threatening way for those who do not understand it, as far as I understand it. My only real experience with pain & pleasure during sex experience with this was smacking my head hard on a metal headboard at the same time as I was experiencing orgasm.


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## Master Mind (Aug 15, 2011)

tanstaafl28 said:


> This assumes that all BDSM is about male on female violence. I assure you this is not the case. The truth is that some men and women get sexual satisfaction from pain just as if it were pleasure. They tend to like role-play and the consensual/healthy ones all have "safewords" to keep things from going too far. It isn't one-way: women can be just as active in the inflicting of pain as men. Also some men prefer to be submissive and let the women be the dominant.


People seem to think exclusively of S&M when they think of BDSM. While S&M is a part of BD*SM*, not everyone into BDSM is into S&M. There's also B&D (*BD*SM) and D&S (B*DS*M). 



> It’s important to remember BDSM isn’t always about pain. There are plenty of folks who really dig the BD but not the SM.


People also seem to think that it's only male dominant/female submissive.


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## petite libellule (Jul 4, 2012)

Zibziby said:


> _The s/m concept of “vanilla” sex is sex devoid of passion. They are saying that there can be no passion without unequal power. That feels very sad and lonely to me, and destructive. The linkage of passion to dominance/subordination is the prototype of the heterosexual image of male-female relationships, one which justifies pornography. Women are supposed to love being brutalized. This is also the prototypical justification of all relationships of oppression—that the subordinate one who is “different” enjoys the inferior position._


This is from top to bottom ludicrous, but okay ... If that's what you want to believe.


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## petite libellule (Jul 4, 2012)

I think regardless of what aspect you choose to engage in: the b/d or s/m or the D/s ... It's about trust. It's intensely intimate and deepens a bond from an experience that increased each parties trust - like those dorky games you had to play at camp where you have to fall backwards and let another camper catch you (I always hated those ). Lol! 

But i think to it like that., and it by no means impedes a couples capacity to be passionate in their vanilla life(sex), on the contrary, I imagine it would increase respectful passion in other areas of the persons life.


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## KINGoftheAMAZONS (Jun 21, 2011)

What I like about BDSM is that it allows me to show specific sides of myself that I purposely suppress, and in a consensually (and mutually pleasurable) way. I have a natural inclination to be controlling. I have very firm views that I subconsciously want people to fall in line with without question. However, my urge to control others goes against my staunch belief that every individual has the right to freely determine the course of their own lives. 

What BDSM allows me to do is exercise my commanding side. I can and _*will*_ give orders, and expect them to be followed (_*only in the bedroom, and only when BDSM is being practiced*_). Though I really want my partner to disregard my orders, because then I'd be able to bind their hands, or lay their body across my knee and discipline them with the unyielding intensity of a dictator. A compatible partner will naturally be defiant, but yet fully desirous of being punished by me for their _insolence_. She/he will lust for the sweet pain of my hand or whip. And hopefully they'd be okay with performing the same type of things on me lol.


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## FallingSlowly (Jul 1, 2013)

Only so much about the ridiculous assumptions made by those who very obviously don't have a clue what BDSM is, and who also seem to think that all BDSM is S&M, has to involve pain etc:
Many "vanilla couples" pretty regularly do things that can be considered BD or D/s (some even border on SM behaviour) but say at the same time they're "not into BDSM at the slightest". That's how stupid it really is, not to mention that it really has nothing to do with misogyny (btw, well done for avoiding the question about female dommes so eloquently by just pointing to a random tumblr. Much easier of course).
Misinformation never empowered anyone, no matter if it's brought forward by men or women.

To the OP: 
I am INFJ and dominant, but I doubt this has anything to do with MBTI/cognitive function. It's simply a sexual preference for me, it's not 24/7 and has no place outside the bedroom. I stand on my own two feet in "real life" nevertheless, and have always done so.
I am not a lifestyler (although I used to date one many, many years ago), and I also never actively sought out a partner who shares my sexual preferences. The scene has always been a place I like to avoid, because there are (both male and female) predators out there, in much the same way you find them in the "vanilla" scene, and both can get dangerous. It's simply not my cup of tea, but I don't have problems with anyone who enjoys it.

I never liked the idea of being reduced to just that part of me either. For longterm relationships, the emotional connection has always been more important, and the rest develops a dynamic of its own (sexual compatibility does of course play a part in it, but I also had partners without a sexually submissive bone in their bodies, and that was never the reason why a relationships didn't last). None of my longterm relationships have developed based on kink. We met like everyone else.

I was never into inflicting extreme pain or humiliating someone, so the S&M part is pretty much out for me. I mainly enjoy D/s and light bondage/discipline, but I can also have "vanilla" sex. I can switch, but I need to trust someone deeply to submit. I've been with my current partner for nearly 10 years, and whilst there's a definite sexual dynamic, it's not the be all, end all. And before the radical feminists get their knickers in a twist: No, he's not an "alpha-male" outside the bedroom who can only get his kicks through role reversal during sex.

Having said all of this: Sexual gratification _alone_ is not satisfying for me longterm, no matter if through casual "vanilla" sex/relationships (and I went through that as well) or play parties/clubs (which I always avoided like the plague). I need to be in a real, trustful and committed relationship. If that's the case, whatever is supposed to happen will happen anyway. It's a thing between two people, the dynamics are yours, and yours alone.

@_Giga Blender:_ I am not sure if whatever you're seeking will be a cure for what you perceive as "unhealthy" about yourself (control issues, fear of letting go etc). I can only speak for myself, but my sexuality has only really developed positively after I had fought my other demons. I don't want to say what you're thinking of cannot help, but I'd personally be wary to see it as some kind of psychotherapy. 
Be safe, emotionally and physically, and take it slowly.


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## Azereiah (Mar 25, 2014)

FallingSlowly said:


> snip



I feel that it's roughly going to be the same way for me once I learn more, except I need to trust and know someone completely in order to *dominate* them, rather than to submit, because domination is so far from my standard method of operation.


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