# Just can't get out of the dark.



## Monsieur Melancholy (Nov 16, 2012)

So once again, I find myself having to come up with an appeal to the government's student aid division in order to maintain my funding to stay in school, and attend a third year in the fall.

I got strike one last year (slap on the wrist, probation) when I flunked two out of five courses at the end of winter semester.

This year I flunked three out of five, very miserably I might add. So now it's strike two, and this time they're intending to cut off my funding for one year. Currently I'm in the process of receiving three different letters in order to put together an appeal. One letter is from a counselor at the university, one will be from a therapist/counselor at the public health clinic, and the third will be from my psychiatrist.

This is unacceptable for me because my first semester I did phenomenally well academically, but then everything went into the toilet due to depression/mental illness early last year and I've struggled to keep my head above water ever since.

Even if I do succeed in filing my appeal, it's very likely that the same thing will just keep happening. With five courses already flunked in two years, I will at least have to go back for an additional semester just to complete my degree if I ever do.

I'm very frustrated with myself, and I just wish the medication I'm on or *something* would start working. My future is crumbling. And what's worse is I have to fight this battle on my own, meanwhile others around me couldn't care less, and some are even laughing at me apparently. Family members no less.  

I just want to pull my hair out.


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## Cael (Jan 23, 2013)

Adding to your stress by worrying about your stress isn't going to help. At the least you need to convince yourself that failure or these feelings won't be the end of you. These circumstances do not define you, nor will they ever. Even in the instance of failure, it is not the end of the world, and it does not make you any less important of a person. Your future is not crumbling either. If you were to stop receiving financial aid, be forced to quit school, and have everyone laugh at you for doing so, you are still just as capable of living a happy life, people will still enter your life that care about you, and you can feel just as fulfilled in doing so. This being said, I know it will be very difficult to do. I have been where you are, and if someone were to have told me the same I would have completely ignored it. But I assure you, ask anyone else of sound mind, reflect upon it after everything is done, you'll get a similar answer or agreement.

Secondly, you are being too hard on yourself. You should not be frustrated with yourself, you are completely normal for feeling and reacting the way you are. You are not weak. You are not stupid. There is nothing wrong with you. If anyone else were put under your circumstances, they would handle it the same way, if not worse. You are a human being just like everyone else, and it is only expected of you to handle things the way you are. We all have our limitations. You've simply been pushed to yours. That's all.

It really seems like a solution here is proper treatment of your depression. You said that you were doing just fine before all of this came along, and I'm certain that if it weren't bothering you that you would do better. You mentioned that this started early last year also. Generally depression just doesn't fall out of the sky like that. I'm led to believe that something caused this, and your psychiatrist should be addressing this and helping you resolve it. I do not know the factors of your treatment or depression, but if your medication is not resolving the problem, a different approach is needed. Modern day Psychology and medicine is incredibly effective, utilizing this you should be able to handle it. If your current therapy and medication aren't doing this, it needs to be brought to your psychiatrist's attention.

Until then, there are several ways to deal with stress other than medication. I would highly recommend the book Heal Your Troubled Mind (Brilliant Little Ideas) by Dr Sabina Dosani (other books by her, she doesn't have a website). This book is full of quick tips that anyone can do that I have found work great for dealing with stress and depression, and clearing one's mind. This should at the least give you a little relief from everything and give you a good night's sleep, and possibly even give you just the boost you need to help with your studies. I would also like to suggest a study partner. Having that social interaction will help with the circumstances, keep you better distracted from them and more capable of focusing on the topic.

Lastly, you are not alone. No matter where you are, you are around people that would care about you and love you no matter what. Even here, in this community, there are plenty of people that would support you and completely understand where you're coming from. You may not know them all yet, you may not be able to see them as often as you would like, but they are all still there. At the least I will gladly listen you to vent and support you by any means I can.


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## milti (Feb 8, 2012)

@Monsieur Melancholy

I spent 3 years in university fucking around filing appeal after appeal for an extension while I was doing my M.Phil. The first half of 3 years is granted to everyone (1 1/2 years) but I was the ONLY one in FOREVER who'd applied for extensions that pushed it to three years. So even though my prof was an asshole, I really can't blame him completely, although he COULD have been a little kinder I think. 

Anyway. My guide got sick of me and cut off my funding in January this year. He didn't want to read through my completed thesis even though I pushed myself through the months to finally finish it, because he wanted it by January 2nd and I sent it in to him on the 7th. He didn't want me to defend it anymore. He didn't want it, full stop. He just said I was the worst student he had ever had to deal with, and I had wasted three years of his professional time and energy, and that if I was never interested I shouldn't have even started on this. This - despite the fact that I had one of the highest GPAs in my class in the coursework we had in the first semester. He also acknowledged I was a good student. He said it sorrowfully "you're a good student, you could have been a support to me in my research, but you have failed me." And then he was angry when I was visibly upset. "I don't know what you want me to tell you. I will let your parents know you were not made for this and I cannot guide an unwilling pupil. I can't spend all my time waiting on you." Those were his exact words. 

I was crushed. Nothing was going right, and it took me a while to pull myself out of the deep depression that I had already been in, and the subsequent shit. My parents were angry and disappointed and I was a quitter. They were livid, in fact. I had to come home in a hurry, and they were disgusted with me. I can't count the number of times my father said "I don't know where you learnt this quitting habit from. No child of mine should be a QUITTER." I can't count how many times he said I was a quitter and a disappointment, and even said he had wasted years of his savings on quality education for a useless daughter. I didn't know how to defend myself, and those were miserable months.

BUT I'm glad I quit. Maybe I will finish it (and a PhD) someday, but probably not. 

Leaving a course you're not happy with is not the end of the world. Loads of people all over the world have done it. You will find something to replace it with that will give you satisfaction.

From what I understand, in the US (and anywhere else really) you can take a break and de-register yourself for a bit, and then go back with your 1st Semester scores and continue the course when you feel like it. It doesn't work like that in my country. My 1st semester scores are invalid, and I have nothing to really show for what I was doing from 2010 to 2013.


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## Monsieur Melancholy (Nov 16, 2012)

Thanks for the support guys. It's great to feel not so alone with these troubles!


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## phony (Nov 28, 2012)

HUG.

what does your therapist and psychiatrist think?

and hey. maybe you need a break. what do you WANT to do. imagine if you were healthy, what would you want to do right now?


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## DAPHNE XO (Jan 16, 2012)

What medication are you taking if I may ask?

It may be exacerbating your problems as opposed to helping control/correct them.


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## Monsieur Melancholy (Nov 16, 2012)

phony said:


> HUG.
> 
> what does your therapist and psychiatrist think?
> 
> and hey. maybe you need a break. what do you WANT to do. imagine if you were healthy, what would you want to do right now?


The counselors and psychiatrist each tell me that I shouldn't feel the need to justify to anyone the fact that I've been in a major depression for a year and a half now. They also try to hammer it home to me that it does not matter what anyone else thinks, and I shouldn't care so much about what other people say about me. I was recommended a book called Mind Over Mood and I'm also currently reading The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression. I've been doing very well lately, especially since I joined up here and started interacting with like-minded people who have fought similar battles.

If I had the financial resources and the ability, I'd start putting myself out there for potential roles in the entertainment industry. I would also really love to get my writing out there.



JungleDisco said:


> What medication are you taking if I may ask?
> 
> It may be exacerbating your problems as opposed to helping control/correct them.




I've been using Venlafaxine since February. I'm not sure how much of my improvement over the past month is attributable to the medication and how much is circumstantial. Regardless, I haven't seen any negative side effects, other than some sexual trouble. If anything, I'm much more positive this year about doing what I need to do to get everything back in order, which is a huge step up from where I was 365 days ago.


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## snowbell (Apr 2, 2012)

I don't really know what to say, MM. I do hope things work out, though :sad:. 

You'd think the financial aid people would be more considerate since you have documentable medical reasons for not doing well... If you ever would like to chat just hit me up with a PM...


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## Monsieur Melancholy (Nov 16, 2012)

snowbell said:


> I don't really know what to say, MM. I do hope things work out, though :sad:.
> 
> You'd think the financial aid people would be more considerate since you have documentable medical reasons for not doing well... If you ever would like to chat just hit me up with a PM...


Truth be told, they don't actually really know about it at all. Last year when I got my first strike, I think I simply sent them a message from the counselor at my school who is amazing, by the way, and is actually an MBTI practitioner, believe it or not. She held a seminar in March 2012 that I went to where I guess I officially found out I was an INFP. roud: But I digress.

Anyway, they got the letter and sent me an appeal form to fill out but I just never went through it. To my own detriment I suppose, but I was on a horrible level of depression at the time. 2012 was an ugly year. I was light years further into the mire than I am now. I also didn't follow through because it was only one strike (academic probation) so I could still go back in September.

This year it's different because it's strike two and now they're intending to ban me from receiving aid for one year. So the three documents/letters I'm going to be sending to them over the next few weeks (when I get them all) will be their first real indication that there is a serious medical disability at play here that is severely inhibiting my ability to succeed in my studies -- whereas last year there was no medical or professional background to speak of, other than seeing the counselor at school. This year I have much more backup in my corner to testify on my behalf that there are legitimate, extenuating circumstances. So even that alone makes me much more confident, happy, and secure.

There's also a part of me that would want to accept the one-year ban, and take the year off. Perhaps it might be better for me in terms of getting my illness under control, so that I don't have to dig myself deeper into a hole both financially and mentally. The only problem is I have no idea what I'd do with the year off. I love being in school, but I just wish I was able to succeed with it the way I did before when my grades were through the roof and I was happy and prosperous.


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## Monsieur Melancholy (Nov 16, 2012)

Here's a look at my grades thus far in my first two years, and how ugly they've become.

Fall 2011
*82, 93, 81, 76, 79
*
Winter 2012
*DR, 83, DR, 57, 58

*Fall 2012
*60, 55, 80, 55, 68

*Winter 2013
*19, 38, 53, 44, 52
*
Note: The DR's in Winter 2012 semester were dropped courses. I was destined to fail them, so my counselor and staff at the registrar's office got together with me and made the decision that I should drop them so they wouldn't have an effect on my GPA.


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## funcoolname (Sep 17, 2011)

You haven't gone very in depth about why this is happening apart from mental illness, which I don't want to down play, but if you're in a state where you believe it's possible, I think you should step back and assess not how you feel and why, but what you are doing. How do you spend your time? Is it possible that you could spend it a different way? I was struggling with depression in college and I would shirk schoolwork in the name of being happy for a few hours with friends because I felt like I was so miserable the rest of the time. When grades came back, I realized I was still unhappy overall and my grades just made things worse, not only in the present, but I would pay for them in the future. I figured as long as I was going to be unhappy no matter what, I might as well be productive and also have some chance at a future I wanted more than the alternative one where my grades were crap. I berated myself, and my GPA went up to where I could be proud of it. It's not easy at first, but it does get better. I think, if you're not in a place where you can do this, you should take some time off to regain yourself and you sense of purpose. There's no shame in doing this. I know people who dropped out of college, took some time off, came back committed, got excellent GPAs and have moved on to the things they want to do.


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## Monsieur Melancholy (Nov 16, 2012)

funcoolname said:


> You haven't gone very in depth about why this is happening apart from mental illness, which I don't want to down play, but if you're in a state where you believe it's possible, I think you should step back and assess not how you feel and why, but what you are doing. How do you spend your time? Is it possible that you could spend it a different way?


I feel that as of late I've gradually been getting back into the things I used to do and getting back to a good state of mind before I lost my confidence, focus, and drive. My level of commitment is slowly coming back, but unfortunately not quickly enough to make an overnight turnaround. If I get back to school this September, I'm predicting at least a noticeable improvement, just judging by the way I feel now. My condition has greatly improved since the end of this past semester.

I just now got back from my first appointment with my new counselor. Things are starting to really look up I think. It's cleaning up the mess that's already been made which will be the challenge in all of this. If I could start over with a clean slate, there'd be no problem, but just like the last time I suffered crushing defeats, I have to go back and rectify past errors.


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## funcoolname (Sep 17, 2011)

Monsieur Melancholy said:


> I feel that as of late I've gradually been getting back into the things I used to do and getting back to a good state of mind before I lost my confidence, focus, and drive. My level of commitment is slowly coming back, but unfortunately not quickly enough to make an overnight turnaround. If I get back to school this September, I'm predicting at least a noticeable improvement, just judging by the way I feel now. My condition has greatly improved since the end of this past semester.
> 
> I just now got back from my first appointment with my new counselor. Things are starting to really look up I think. It's cleaning up the mess that's already been made which will be the challenge in all of this. If I could start over with a clean slate, there'd be no problem, but just like the last time I suffered crushing defeats, I have to go back and rectify past errors.


That's great! I'm glad it's going better for you. Things are never an over night clean up when they're important. Hang in there!


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## Swede (Apr 2, 2013)

@_milti_and @_Monsieur Melancholy_ OMFG I get furious when I hear about family members who instead of being supportive, shove you further down at the darkest times of your lives. I wish that I could pop out on the other side of the computer and have a talk with them!

Just know that you are being forced to build so much more strength than many other people are. This will probably pay off even more than your future degrees, I believe. I have yet to meet an interesting person who has had nothing but fortune their entire life.

Good luck to both of you. You'll do great!


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## milti (Feb 8, 2012)

Monsieur Melancholy said:


> Truth be told, they don't actually really know about it at all. Last year when I got my first strike, I think I simply sent them a message from the counselor at my school who is amazing, by the way, and is actually an MBTI practitioner, believe it or not. She held a seminar in March 2012 that I went to where I guess I officially found out I was an INFP. roud: But I digress.
> 
> Anyway, they got the letter and sent me an appeal form to fill out but I just never went through it. To my own detriment I suppose, but I was on a horrible level of depression at the time. 2012 was an ugly year. I was light years further into the mire than I am now. I also didn't follow through because it was only one strike (academic probation) so I could still go back in September.
> 
> ...





Monsieur Melancholy said:


> Here's a look at my grades thus far in my first two years, and how ugly they've become.
> 
> Fall 2011
> *82, 93, 81, 76, 79
> ...


Your grades have fallen from 70s and 80s to less than 20. You need to take this slow, MM. You might get bogged down with the administrative processes between now and September. You REALLY need a friend on your side, or your counsellor, who will assist you with this.

I say this because I had to do ALL my admin work on my own - after I decided to quit, NO ONE was on my side. My friends were saying "just write something somehow and finish it!" and my parents were furious of course. I had to move back to university just to wind up, for a week. Since I didn't have a room in the hostel anymore, I had to book a room in the guest house and borrow someone else's cycle, and I think that caused more tension than anything else. Add to this my parents calling up every half an hour, "Have they refunded your deposit? Have they refunded blah-blah? Have you closed your bank account?" Eeyuck. Admin work SUCKS. I'm sure it's like this in varying degrees in universities all over the world. My point is you can't do it alone, not in this state. 

I don't know what your situation will be like if you do drop out. I could move back with my parents, but I'm aware that might not be an option for you. So what I suggest is, try and see if you can take a semester off - just to recharge - or try and see if they can make the workload for certain courses easier for you, i.e. instead of 3 long assignments, maybe one exam and 2 papers. Something like that. My guide was inflexible with those suggestion, but your professors might understand.




Swede said:


> @_milti_and @_Monsieur Melancholy_ OMFG I get furious when I hear about family members who instead of being supportive, shove you further down at the darkest times of your lives. I wish that I could pop out on the other side of the computer and have a talk with them!
> 
> Just know that you are being forced to build so much more strength than many other people are. This will probably pay off even more than your future degrees, I believe. I have yet to meet an interesting person who has had nothing but fortune their entire life.
> 
> Good luck to both of you. You'll do great!


I wouldn't call this the darkest point of my life - I think that's yet to come (lol) - but yes, it was pretty bad, and I have the misfortune of growing up in a culture and society that isn't aware of depression and doesn't acknowledge its existence. Among the population of people who ARE aware, everyone wants to attribute 'depression' to every little setback in their lives, which I also think is a bad trend. I think that a truly depressed person KNOWS he needs help (whether he chooses to find it or not), and knowing it for yourself is really the most important thing to understand. 

When I went to a counsellor (just 2 sessions) she said I had mild depression. It certainly didn't feel mild to me, so I can't even begin to imagine what severe depression feels like. 

If you have to battle other people's expectations (I find that I have had to spend most of my life just doing that) it makes it a harder battle than it would be otherwise. It's not that my parents are bad people, or my professors were, or anything like that. But they are tied to what this society expects, and I find myself constantly having to challenge the status quo and I'm sick of that.


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## Swede (Apr 2, 2013)

milti said:


> ...I have the misfortune of growing up in a culture and society that isn't aware of depression and doesn't acknowledge its existence. Among the population of people who ARE aware, everyone wants to attribute 'depression' to every little setback in their lives, which I also think is a bad trend.
> 
> I think that a truly depressed person KNOWS he needs help (whether he chooses to find it or not), and knowing it for yourself is really the most important thing to understand. When I went to a counsellor (just 2 sessions) she said I had mild depression. It certainly didn't feel mild to me, so I can't even begin to imagine what severe depression feels like.


Thanks for taking the time to explain things more in detail to me and also for reminding me that we all live in different cultures. That does not mean that your experiences doesn't make me sad and angry though.

I am sure that part of why I reacted so strongly to your experiences is that I have been in similar situations myself and got no support from my family whatsoever. Just as for you, I doubt that my parents are evil beings, but there is a limit for how clueless people should be. It is not a coincidence that I chose to live on another continent than my family. From afar, they have a limitation to their power over and negative impact on my life. 
The only thing you and I can do is make sure that we do not repeat the bad parts of our parents' attempts at raising us or things that other people did that hurt us. Oddly enough, once I became a mother myself, the depth at my own mother's limited emotional support became even more painful. I look at my own daughters and think "how can anyone deliberately hurt their child?" When I get more time to myself in a in in a few years, I have promised myself to go in therapy both for me and for my daughters sakes.

One interesting thing that I learned when I was in grad school and finally got diagnosed with hypothyroidism (about 13 years ago or so) was that people with deep depression seldom seek professional help. A depressed person seldom has enough energy to take care of the everyday tasks. To muster up enough energy to figure out where to turn for help, get a drs appointment, deal with school/work officials, talk with the insurance company and so on is simply too overwhelming. Many times once you finally get to the point of seeking professional help, you are already on your way out of the depression. That is how it was for me. I didn't need any medicine because it was established that I was already self-healing. I still have about a year from which I don' recall anything though Pretty scary.

Anyways, thanks again and good luck with everything!


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## Monsieur Melancholy (Nov 16, 2012)

@milti

No worries. I had my first appointment with my new counselor this past Friday and we immediately clicked on viewpoints regarding life and philosophy. She told me that she sees great potential in me if I can only pull through the depression and social anxiety. I predict it will be very helpful seeing her the next little while. At least I can have someone I can physically go to in real life to chat with. I have nothing like that in real life. The people I'm around in real life, for the most part, don't appreciate or understand me. The more people I can get in my corner, the better. I will say that the Cafe has been an extremely positive force these past six or seven weeks since I've been here.

In general, I've been feeling more esteem for myself since the semester ending. I no longer feel that sense of being totally out-of-control as I did just a few months ago. I think things are getting better, but slowly.


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## caramel_choctop (Sep 20, 2010)

@Monsieur Melancholy I'm not really sure what to say about this, except that I'm in a similar situation and I sympathise. I know it's not much and I don't know you, but I'm glad you're healing. And while I can certainly understand that your family was upset, it sounds like they could've been a lot more supportive.


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## Monsieur Melancholy (Nov 16, 2012)

caramel_choctop said:


> @_Monsieur Melancholy_ I'm not really sure what to say about this, except that I'm in a similar situation and I sympathise. I know it's not much and I don't know you, but I'm glad you're healing. And while I can certainly understand that your family was upset, it sounds like they could've been a lot more supportive.


It's not that they're not supportive or that they're even really that upset, it just feels as though I'm from a different planet sometimes in terms of being different from them (likely due to combined factors such as generation, education, interests, and variation in mental health climate), and it's really difficult sometimes for me to express my problems to them and some are less empathetic than others. They also do and say things sometimes that really bother/hurt me in convoluted ways. A lot of them are really concrete and pragmatic which clashes frequently with my being more abstract and idealistic. I try to achieve a healthy balance, however, as best I can. I get depressed because I feel alone and insecure most of the time.


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## Monsieur Melancholy (Nov 16, 2012)

Update:

I've sent three letters to student aid detailing my circumstances. As I said, this is the second strike for flunking courses within a school year so their intent is to make me ineligible for funding for one year. One letter is from a counselor at my university, one letter is from a social worker/counselor/therapist at the local mental health and addictions clinic, and the third is from my psychiatrist.

Waiting to hear back.

Even if my appeal to student aid does succeed, my condition has gotten worse over the past month and I don't think I'll be able to succeed at all in the coming school year. I feel way too miserable.

I come to you guys with this because it's extremely important to me and I literally have no one to discuss it with aside from professionals.


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## StElmosDream (May 26, 2012)

Monsieur Melancholy said:


> Even if my appeal to student aid does succeed, my condition has gotten worse over the past month and I don't think I'll be able to succeed at all in the coming school year. I feel way too miserable.
> 
> I come to you guys with this because it's extremely important to me and I literally have no one to discuss it with aside from professionals.


Well it seems you are doing everything you can, now you just have to be aware of the risk of the self fulfilling prophecy: making something come to pass because you fear the lack of familiarity in non destructive habits of thinking. Requiring a need to monitor your thinking as well when negative self talk is often a reactive response to fearing yourself incapable of meeting needs, when mental health is often dependent on how we feel about ourselves before we consider external stressors...


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## Siggy (May 25, 2009)

Ahem ( clears throat ) 

Monsieur Melancholy, 


You are one of the most gifted people on the forum. And I am not saying it just to be nice;( ENTJ remember )

For starters 

Talents:

writing,
graphics
innovative
determined
nice 
fun to be around

ect

Gosh hold on to these things. I think that universities can be tough on the uber creative, think outside the box folks like you.


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## dragthewaters (Feb 9, 2013)

Good luck!!!


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## Zombie Devil Duckie (Apr 11, 2012)

In U.S. universities there is a position known as the Ombudsman. They exist outside of the Faculty/Staff/Student paradigm and they are usually considered to be a neutral mediator between Students and Faculty (Grade disputes or other problems you encounter). 

Do you have anyone at your University like that? Have you tried to discuss your situation with them? The reason I'm asking is because they have a unique perspective on university life and they (typically) don't answer to anyone other than the University Trustees. Their position gives them the opportunity to answer questions you might not feel comfortable asking an advisor.

Good luck on however you decide to pursue this. 


-ZDD


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## Monsieur Melancholy (Nov 16, 2012)

Thanks for the support, guys. Every little bit of it means a great deal to me.

I will update you once I hear back.


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## ATLeow (Jun 2, 2013)

It really saddens me to hear that you're going through this. Good luck with securing your funding; I hope the student aid people find some compassion for you.
I'm also sorry to hear that your depression is worse than ever. I would like to say 'I know what you're going through', but I don't think I do. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you to have to keep trying to focus on your studies while it eats away at your soul. Anyway, you are a thoroughly first-rate human being and you don't deserve any of what you're suffering with. I hope from the bottom of my heart you find some way through all of this. I would like (if I were swimming in money) to go to Canada and have coffee with you and talk some more about all of this (if you'd like) - as it is, I'm dirt-poor but the offer of a metaphorical PM coffee stands.

Good luck, again. Good luck pursuing your future; you deserve to get there.


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## UnknownObservantTortoise (Feb 7, 2012)

Have to say, havent even visited the forums much, but I can tell you're well liked, and talented to boot, just by what people have said here. It's always darkest before dawn, though, and im telling you, not even saying it's probable, I know it WILL happen, because you're a human. One day you will say 'I have had enough of this' and do something ridiculously awesome for yourself. You just need to unlock that typical INFP- driving-force, you know, find what made you tick, and make it make you tick more. It's not as if you' will have this depression your whole life, you will beat it, whether it be a couple years from now, or hell, next month. anything could happen. 

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, and from what you've said, you've already took it. And if you feel like berating yourself, just remember that you dont deserve that. You don't even need to reason why. Just remember that you don't. 

Good luck.


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## Monsieur Melancholy (Nov 16, 2012)

Alright, so it's been like three weeks or so since I sent off those three letters to Student Aid, and I have heard nothing back from them.

As advised by my psychiatrist in my meeting with him this past Wednesday, I'm going to give them a call. This Monday morning, bright and early. I have a life I need to get off the ground. I don't need this BS.


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## Monsieur Melancholy (Nov 16, 2012)

Great news today!

My appeal has been approved. I can go back to school this fall!


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