# Complicated relationship situation. I don't know what to do :/



## SneazyMyartin14 (Apr 28, 2014)

I posted this in the Relationship section too but please don't move it as this is still an all kinds of advice section right.

Please mind the cringy, romantic writing. If you find it hard to understand intense feelings then logical advice would be fine, even if you laugh at first.

Okay so I met this girl 1 1/2 months ago and we had the perfect relationship for 3 weeks. Then she unexpectedly dumped me one week before Christmas and burned to death the love child we had created and then put it in the freezer. We had something beautiful going and she ruined it. 

Her excuse was that we weren't compatible because she was so busy and I weren't - not true, she has concrete obligations like higher education and 2 jobs but I make my own obligations so that's what happened. So abrupt and I didn't expect it. 

My Fi and Se went mad for a week, I constantly went out and drank and ugly shit like that. I broke down in my bathroom once and it was horrible. All because of this girl. I mean she's ISFP too I presume and she even wrote a poem saying things like ''There's leaving and then there's leaving you'' and in it wrote that she hasn't hurt me yet and never will and I like that but she's clearly not very aware of her actions or of my sensitivity I guess, I guess I am sensitive. 

I tried to do the no-contact rule but she then messages me saying that She missed me. So I offered for us to meet up at an event. She didn't show up so I went to her apartment, she wasnt in but she forgave me for the sudden turn up.
I can't get close to her at all but we have been talking on fb and she said that she cares about me very deeply(since we are so alike and really we should be together) and I asked her what exactly she missed about me and she said everything. Most of the people who knew about our situation told me that it was all my fault which really pissed me off when she told me that it wasn't my fault at all. 

Long story short I don't think she should have broken up with me since she caused me and herself pain(She cried for days and she's not even a crier- her words). I understand that she's busy but I honestly think that we are perfect for each other and I want to go together through life with her as I feel that she can be that one person in my life that can understand me and we can grow together and have fun. I don't want to be just best friends with her and I'm going to tell her that when we meet, I was planning on telling her that we should keep it casual, meet whenever we can but not have any sort of attachment towards each other, just independent people that are each other's closest and are lovers. She bought me a Christmas present even and we're going to exchange. 

I hope she hasn't friend zoned me because if she has I'll be sad and angry because it wasn't me who left her, it wasnt me who chose not to be with her. I still have feeling and I dont think that we can be just friends, there's too much chemistry and sexual tension and just plain understanding between us.

Thanks for reading if you got this far. What is your advice? I don't want to fuck things up and I want her to want me too, I don't really know what she thinks about me anymore, she just gets on with her life and doesnt give much thought to our convos online and I just feel like blocking her out of my life entirely but I would never do that. There's just something about us that needs to carry on. She's careless, I don't think she knows exactly what's happened really, we're lucky to have met each other, some people go through their lives without a single person that can understand them and me and her could definitely understand each other completely over time. I want her to know this but she's 2 years younger than me and I'm a late teenager. I don't know if I'm in love with her because of these reasons but I'm just really confused. I think she's still a bit nearsighted, not much development of Ni and I hate that I have to judge and talk like I know her after just 1 month and a half but I'm fairly sure about all of this.

What do you think?


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## DAPHNE XO (Jan 16, 2012)

Urgh, I got five paragraphs in, then I read this abusive gem of a line, "*[she's not aware] of my sensitivity I guess, I guess I am sensitive*."

Abusers pull this shit all the time to disguise how entitled they truly believe themselves to be - "I have special snowflake feelings therefore, she is supposed to cater to them, _because I said so._" She's not required to give any fucks about you or your feelings. And the fact she dumped you makes this doubly true.

Leave her alone, move on with your life. Her feelings and wants trump yours in her life, get over it.


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## 66393 (Oct 17, 2013)

If she likes you as much as you purport, she would find a way to make the relationship work out. Or maybe she is trying to alleviate future pain by ending it early. 

No contact (but actually follow it this time) would be your best bet - let her work it out the situation in her mind when you aren't there for her to fall back on.

EDIT: I forgot to mention the poetry excerpt sucked.


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## SneazyMyartin14 (Apr 28, 2014)

DaphneDelRey said:


> Urgh, I got five paragraphs in, then I read this abusive gem of a line, "*[she's not aware] of my sensitivity I guess, I guess I am sensitive*."
> 
> Abusers pull this shit all the time to disguise how entitled they truly believe themselves to be - "I have special snowflake feelings therefore, she is supposed to cater to them, _because I said so._" She's not required to give any fucks about you or your feelings. And the fact she dumped you makes this doubly true.
> 
> Leave her alone, move on with your life. Her feelings and wants trump yours in her life, get over it.


I appreciate your comment and I understand everything you said. Please read the rest of it? Could it change your advice?


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## DAPHNE XO (Jan 16, 2012)

SneazyMyartin14 said:


> I appreciate your comment and I understand everything you said. Please read the rest of it? Could it change your advice?


I did read it all. And you responded just how an abuser would by completely dismissing the fact you are behaving in a way that belies your so-called "feelings" for this girl. 

All you are showing is your perceived level of entitlement to her (as if she exists solely to complete a fantasy of yours), and the fact you are treating this girl as if she has no right to choose what she wants for herself, because you want to be desperate and needy.

My advice: Get over yourself. She does not exist to make you happy. She does not exist to pander to your fragile emotional state.

You have:

* stalked this girl (showed up to her house uninvited)
* Completely dismissed anyone who tells you any thing other than what you want to hear ("Most of the people who knew about our situation told me that it was all my fault")
* Not *ONCE* considered the situation from her point of view - her wants, feelings, needs, etc.
* Consistently made everything about you and your emotional state - in order to distract us from the fact you believe that this girl is supposed to just give up everything she is, and everything she wants, to fit some fantasy ideal that she probably doesn't want a part of anyway.
* Tried to explain away your abhorrent behaviour using cognitive functions - Fi doesn't make people self-absorbed, you make yourself that way.

What's even more scary is that you genuinely seem entirely unconscious of all of this - wouldn't surprise me though given that you've somehow internalised this disgustingly self-absorbed mindset.

You need to forget about relationships and start working on you first. Chiefly, getting over yourself, your special snowflake feelings, and these stupid fantasies that reality can never match up to. Otherwise, you'll keep repeating these mistakes wondering why you can never be happy in love or find "the one," even years from now.


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## SneazyMyartin14 (Apr 28, 2014)

DaphneDelRey said:


> I did read it all. And you responded just how an abuser would by completely dismissing the fact you are behaving in a way that belies your so-called "feelings" for this girl.
> 
> All you are showing is your perceived level of entitlement to her (as if she exists solely to complete a fantasy of yours), and the fact you are treating this girl as if she has no right to choose what she wants for herself, because you want to be desperate and needy.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for this, honestly. You're right about everything. FUCK.


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## DAPHNE XO (Jan 16, 2012)

SneazyMyartin14 said:


> Thank you so much for this, honestly. You're right about everything. FUCK.


To be honest, my response wasn't for you, it was for anyone else who reads this and needs help spotting abusive behaviour.
Your post was just dripping in the Mr. Sensitive role - it was too perfect an opportunity to pass up.


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## SneazyMyartin14 (Apr 28, 2014)

DaphneDelRey said:


> To be honest, my response wasn't for you, it was for anyone else who reads this and needs help spotting abusive behaviour.
> Your post was just dripping in the Mr. Sensitive role - it was too perfect an opportunity to pass up.


Alright I get it. I didn't realise that I was being crazy, it was all unconscious and you have brought it to the surface. No need to rub it in. I feel like a horrible person as it is now and I'm NOT one. Thank you still.


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## DAPHNE XO (Jan 16, 2012)

SneazyMyartin14 said:


> Alright I get it. I didn't realise that I was being crazy, it was all unconscious and you have brought it to the surface. No need to rub it in. I feel like a horrible person as it is now and I'm NOT one. Thank you still.


I don't mean to rub it in :/
I suppose I should be a bit more sympathetic though now you've admitted fault.

I'm genuinely surprised you noticed how crazy you were being. Kudos to you.


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## SneazyMyartin14 (Apr 28, 2014)

DaphneDelRey said:


> I don't mean to rub it in :/
> I suppose I should be a bit more sympathetic though now you've admitted fault.
> 
> I'm genuinely surprised you noticed how crazy you were being. Kudos to you.


I think it's because it was my first relationship and it just happens to be with someone really special, which is always a bummer. She has no idea I've been like this though. She does really care about me. I'm not gonna talk to her for a while but she'll probably want to meet in a week or so. I feel a lot better after what you've told me. Do you think that if she does want to meet, we should? 

I don't want to talk to her for awhile as clearly I'm not doing myself any good and I would never hurt her intentionally but it's clear that in this state of mind it's likely to happen. I need to get on with my life. 

Am I being more reasonable now? Please say because if it is unconscious then I won't realise that I'm being unreasonable again. I can't really control my feelings very well. :/

If you didn't reply I would still be thinking these crazy thoughts so thank you so much.


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## DAPHNE XO (Jan 16, 2012)

SneazyMyartin14 said:


> I think it's because it was my first relationship and it just happens to be with someone really special, which is always a bummer. She has no idea I've been like this though. She does really care about me. I'm not gonna talk to her for a while but she'll probably want to meet in a week or so. I feel a lot better after what you've told me. Do you think that if she does want to meet, we should?
> 
> I don't want to talk to her for awhile as clearly I'm not doing myself any good and* I would never hurt her intentionally but it's clear that in this state of mind it's likely to happen. I need to get on with my life. *
> 
> Am I being more reasonable now? Please say because if it is unconscious then I won't realise that I'm being unreasonable again. I can't really control my feelings very well yet. :/


So why do you not leave her alone then?
In all honesty, no I don't think you should go meet with her. I would suggest you focus on identifying the limits between your emotional needs and everyone else's boundaries. Your beliefs are the problem here: why do you think other people are supposed to cater to your emotional needs? What the hell is that even all about?

I think this problem is more deep-rooted than either you and I can guess, you don't uncover deep-rooted beliefs just like that: you take the time out to self-reflect first.

Take it easy man and remember if you _really _loved her, you'd let her go if that's what she wanted.


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## Tad Cooper (Apr 10, 2010)

I think people are being a bit harsh, but that's my opinion.

The best thing to do is to move on and find someone who you can work with better. If someone wants it to end there's no point dragging it out, no matter what their reasons for doing it.

You got dumped, but that doesn't mean anything except she wanted to concentrate on her studies and other areas of her life, which is fine (everyones different).

You saw something amazing, but maybe she didnt? She might not have liked it or felt it was too intense or something? I have a bad habit of freaking out with intense guys and leaving pretty fast.


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## SneazyMyartin14 (Apr 28, 2014)

DaphneDelRey said:


> So why do you not leave her alone then?


I want to leave her alone but whenever she talks to me I just want to talk with her. I feel like if I don't talk to her she would just leave my life, just like that even though she's told me that she won't. Actually looking back now this fear is very irrational, I'm attached I think, yeah I'm attached. Jeez.



DaphneDelRey said:


> In all honesty, no I don't think you should go meet with her. I would suggest you focus on identifying the limits between your emotional needs and everyone else's boundaries. Your beliefs are the problem here: why do you think other people are supposed to cater to your emotional needs? What the hell is that even all about?


Maybe it's because when I deeply care about someone I would aid them to their emotional needs, maybe even irrationally because they mean a lot to me. I've never known what to do in a situation where I had to make a choice between aiding someone close in a bad emotional state or doing something really important that will benefit my career or similar in the future. I've never had to deal with such a situation but I've thought about it. Currently I would consider her to be the person who kind of understands me the most as nobody else really does but I don't know what our relation is after the break up. I yearn for understanding.



DaphneDelRey said:


> I think this problem is more deep-rooted than either you and I can guess, you don't uncover deep-rooted beliefs just like that: you take the time out to self-reflect first.
> 
> Take it easy man and remember if you _really _loved her, you'd let her go if that's what she wanted.


I think I do love her. My biggest problem that I recognised earlier and that I hate myself for is this - I feel kind of possessive over her, like she's some kind of rare gem that I've discovered and that I don't ever want to lose. Please go easy on that last sentence, I recognise how wrong it is and am going to change it all. I would feel so jealous if she got together with someone else. Damn I sound like a bad person. :/


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## DAPHNE XO (Jan 16, 2012)

SneazyMyartin14 said:


> I want to leave her alone but whenever she talks to me I just want to talk with her. I feel like if I don't talk to her she would just leave my life, just like that even though she's told me that she won't. Actually looking back now this fear is very irrational, I'm attached I think, yeah I'm attached. Jeez.


Why do you feel like you _need_ her?
You've not known her for long? How can you be 100% sure that what you see of her isn't just the fantasy you've created in your mind?

It's not an irrational fear, just a misguided one. If you didn't need her, then you wouldn't care what she did.



> *Maybe it's because when I deeply care about someone I would aid them to their emotional needs*, maybe even irrationally because they mean a lot to me. I've never known what to do in a situation where I had to make a choice between aiding someone close in a bad emotional state or doing something really important that will benefit my career or similar in the future. I've never had to deal with such a situation but I've thought about it. Currently I would consider her to be the person who kind of understands me the most as nobody else really does but I don't know what our relation is after the break up. *I yearn for understanding.*


Even if that person does not deserve it? If you deeply cared about someone who did something that crossed a line, let's exaggerate and say they completely let you down and lied to you, would you then aid them?

Why do you feel like it's your job to take care of people's emotional needs? This sounds like some kind of faulty childhood conditioning if I'm being honest.

Also, don't you think this paragraph reveals your beliefs about _yourself _more than her? You yearn for understanding so much so that you take responsibility for other people's feelings. Nope. This is the fast train to exploitative and abusive relationships.



> I think I do love her. My biggest problem that I recognised earlier and that I hate myself for is this - I feel kind of possessive over her,* like she's some kind of rare gem that I've discovered and that I don't ever want to lose*. Please go easy on that last sentence, I recognise how wrong it is and am going to change it all. I would feel so jealous if she got together with someone else. Damn I sound like a bad person. :/


I do not mean to ridicule or minimise your feelings for this girl, as I can see they are genuine, but there is no way you can love her. You don't even seem to understand that she is an autonomous being who exists independently of you. You might need her, because you need to feel understood, but you most definitely do not love her.

You are confusing need for love.

You are not a bad person, you just need to work on yourself first. Possessive partners make the worst kind of partners because they consider themselves to be entitled to that person EVEN IF that person doesn't really seem interested.

The quickest way to lose a "rare gem" is to act like a self-absorbed, self-entitled, self-important dickwad. So if you want to keep this girl, stop doing everything you're doing and stop proclaiming yourself to be the victim in all of this.

You're not perfect, but you're not awful either. Like I said, the fact you admit your fault is a positive thing. It shows a lot of character, keep working on it and keep self-reflecting!

But PS - Let go of this girl. Even if it's just for the time being. You have a lot of self-work to do!


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## SneazyMyartin14 (Apr 28, 2014)

DaphneDelRey said:


> Why do you feel like you _need_ her?
> You've not known her for long? How can you be 100% sure that what you see of her isn't just the fantasy you've created in your mind?
> 
> It's not an irrational fear, just a misguided one. If you didn't need her, then you wouldn't care what she did.
> ...


Holy shit you are so wise. Everything here is true. I can't believe I've mistaken love for need all this time. I don't even know WHAT love is.

And no, if someone crossed a line with me I wouldn't help them. How do I undo this false conditioning?

And if these are serious deep problems, should I get a therapist? Or can I get rid of them myself? How? Do you have any books or videos or films or anything that would be of good use to helping me get rid of all my inadequacies? Thank you for all the sage advice so far. I feel like a better person already.


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## SneazyMyartin14 (Apr 28, 2014)

Actually I think this break up is a blessing in disguise. Who knows what could have happened if she broke up with me in 6 months time. I can't imagine what I would have been like, probably even worse than I was before I made this thread and would have probably wasted 6 months of my life just thinking about the next time I would be with this person whilst she was happily getting on with her life. If this break-up didn't happen now and at this time I would have ruined everything. I'm glad she saw this kind of dark side in me before it was too late. 

I'm definitely not going to go into any relationships for a long time. I'm clearly not ready. Thanks again


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## SneazyMyartin14 (Apr 28, 2014)

@DaphneDelRey 

Do you think this would be a bad time to read The Great Gatsby? haha
or the opposite? Like learn from his mistakes. Cause I don't want to end up like him.


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## DAPHNE XO (Jan 16, 2012)

SneazyMyartin14 said:


> Holy shit you are so wise. Everything here is true. I can't believe I've mistaken love for need all this time. I don't even know WHAT love is.
> 
> And no, if someone crossed a line with me I wouldn't help them. How do I undo this false conditioning?
> 
> And if these are serious deep problems, should I get a therapist? Or can I get rid of them myself? How? Do you have any books or videos or films or anything that would be of good use to helping me get rid of all my inadequacies? Thank you for all the sage advice so far. I feel like a better person already.


Well I dunno, it's up to you. You could scout amazon for a good book on need and how that can easily be confused for love. I can't suggest anything at the moment sorry because I'd need more info on your childhood.

A therapist might be a good bet if that's what you want but the fact you recognise these issues soooo quickly suggests you don't need one. You just need a good book by someone who know what they are talking about and the resolve to start practising things that are said in the book. You basically need to assess your unconscious beliefs, that were formed as part of your childhood conditioning and start rewiring your beliefs about _yourself _to a more positive and self-affirming one.

Sorry I can't be of more help than that, but if I suggest looking on Amazon first. Books that are *really *good will have user ratings in the range of 2/300+ votes on no less than 3.5 average score.

I suspect the most appropriate one would be under the relationship/dating category. *Don't *go for anything that focuses on how to attract someone/keep someone/how to date/etc, just go for one that explains how _your _behaviour and childhood affects your relationships.

I suppose a therapist would be a great person to practise with - and by practise I mean questioning your beliefs and having a "safe space" in which to reaffirm them.



SneazyMyartin14 said:


> Actually I think this break up is a blessing in disguise. Who knows what could have happened if she broke up with me in 6 months time. I can't imagine what I would have been like, probably even worse than I was before I made this thread and would have probably wasted 6 months of my life just thinking about the next time I would be with this person whilst she was happily getting on with her life. If this break-up didn't happen now and at this time I would have ruined everything. I'm glad she saw this kind of dark side in me before it was too late.
> 
> I'm definitely not going to go into any relationships for a long time. I'm clearly not ready. Thanks again


Well, it's even _better _that _you've _seen this dark side because now you can address it.

I don't mean to speak bad of her, but seriously, fuck this girl. Once you're done working on yourself she'll be "meh;" you might still care about her, but you'll be 100% confident in the knowledge that if she never speaks to you again, you'll survive. Even if you don't know how yet.

Best of luck
<3


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## DAPHNE XO (Jan 16, 2012)

SneazyMyartin14 said:


> @_DaphneDelRey_
> 
> Do you think this would be a bad time to read The Great Gatsby? haha
> or the opposite? Like learn from his mistakes. Cause I don't want to end up like him.


I think now is a great time to do whatever the fuck YOU want to do.

Dredging up past emotional wounds hurts like a mofo. So pamper yourself


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## 66393 (Oct 17, 2013)

DaphneDelRey said:


> To be honest, my response wasn't for you, it was for anyone else who reads this and needs help spotting abusive behaviour.
> Your post was just dripping in the Mr. Sensitive role - it was too perfect an opportunity to pass up.


OMG! You are _savage!!!!_ LOLOL


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