# What does an abusive ESFJ look like?



## Girlinthedark (Aug 1, 2013)

So I'm starting to doubt that this ESFJ in my life is abusive. But I don't know for sure if he's indeed abusive or its just our worldviews clashing. Can someone help me figure out how does an abusive ESFJ behave?


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## Maura (Dec 2, 2011)

It doesn't need to be ESFJ, if a close person tries to show their values down your throat in any ways available (in ways that would naturally be deemed immoral if they did that to, let's say, an acquaintance) and doesn't take "no" or "later" for an answer, they are probably abusive.


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## Kingdom Crusader (Jan 4, 2012)

I don't think it's just an ESFJ thing, but I just so happen to have an ex husband and sister who are controlling and abusive. 

My ex husband would get mad when I talked to my sister or anyone else. My other ESFJ ex would do the same when I was at a friend's house. In fact, he blew up not only my phone, but my friend's phone too. Both of them had this irrational problem with my reading/studying. They'd always give me trouble over it through yelling in my face and cussing at me, or saying something negative to get me to stop what I'm doing. My ex husband actually physically abused me as well.

My sister beats the crap out of her kid. And she doesn't like anyone disagreeing with her, even over the dumbest little thing. If I'm into something that she's not (which is everything), she gives me this stupid mean look, as if she disapproves. She talks negative about me to her friends, or whoever will listen. I think everything I've heard her say about me has been untrue. She lies too much.


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## ElliCat (May 4, 2014)

In my experience, there's a lot of guilt-tripping. Anything they've done for you - usually of their own free will - is dragged out and thrown at you because how dare you not do what they want you to do after all they've done for you.

If they hate you, they'll badmouth you to everyone they can. You'll never do anything right again.

They'll yell and scream behind closed doors. You can't escape because they'll follow you everywhere. There are no such things as boundaries; you WILL listen to what they have to say, even if it's the same thing you've heard a thousand times. And once they're finished, nothing ever happened and you're totally unreasonable for wanting a bit of space to recover from the storm.

I do hesitate a little to say "abusive". They would move heaven and earth to help people in their good books, and they have done a LOT for me, and they'll stand up to anyone who dares say anything bad about someone they like. But when they're angry, it's scary and intense and I carry a few scars from things that have been said. It's like they are perfect; if the whole family is angry at them it's a problem with the family, not with them. But it's a fragile sort of perfect because they'll never look beneath the surface to figure out why (even perceived) criticism sets them off.


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## Quernus (Dec 8, 2011)

I don't think MBTI type is the important thing here. Look for signs of abuse in general.


Signs of Emotional Abuse | World of Psychology
Am I being abused? | womenshealth.gov (deals with emotional abuse too)

Basically, if you're being made to feel invalid, "stupid", "crazy", wrong or guilty for having a different view, that's abusive behaviour. If he is blaming you for his behaviour, or temper, and never takes accountability, that's a huge red flag. Etc.


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## Promethea (Aug 24, 2009)

An _unhealthy_ esfj in a personal relationship _can potentially_ become overbearing, smothering, even dominating. 

If they feel like they're not getting enough of a return on their investment in you, their reaction can range from passive-aggressive to histrionic. 

They might allow their own moods to become overly-dependent upon yours, and if you react by becoming more distant, they might be inclined to tread past your psychological boundaries to shake more of a reaction out of you. If they can't get more of a reaction, they can start to project and assume the worst where they're lacking data on what you are feeling at the time. 

They might helicopter around you, monitoring your moods and feelings too much for your own comfort in general.

Bossy, and pushy, an _unhealthy_ esfj in a personal relationship can feel like they know best, and in their need to take on the problems of others, they might make you a project. This is where they can become very dominating. Sometimes they feel as if they're guardians over their friends and lovers, which makes them feel like they're justified in crossing boundaries and becoming unrelentingly controlling. You might feel led around by the nose, and exhausted by someone spending so much of your energy to please themselves.

*I'm not saying this of any esfj, or healthy esfjs - just detailing the tendencies I have observed in -_some_- *unhealthy* ones.


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## SuperSoaker (Aug 19, 2013)

Playing victims. Emotional manipulation.

Check out the unhealthy section for enneagram 2.

2 - Enneagram Type Two: The Helper


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## Promethea (Aug 24, 2009)

SuperSoaker said:


> Playing victims. Emotional manipulation.
> 
> Check out the unhealthy section for enneagram 2.
> 
> 2 - Enneagram Type Two: The Helper


I know a lot of people say that "any mbti based type can be any enneagram type" but I certainly think -most- of the time, the esfj, and ese, are 2s. Yup.


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## VoodooDolls (Jul 30, 2013)

Please can someone tell me how does an abussive INTJ, ESTP and INFP look like? i'm trying to know better their inferior world. I have seen a lot from ESFJs when they become abussive about relationships but how other types work there when the situation "calls for it"?


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## VoodooDolls (Jul 30, 2013)

SuperSoaker said:


> Playing victims. Emotional manipulation.
> 
> Check out the unhealthy section for enneagram 2.
> 
> 2 - Enneagram Type Two: The Helper


I stopped reading at "feel entitled to get anything they want from others: the repayment of old debts, money, *sexual favors*."

i mean ...


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## Promethea (Aug 24, 2009)

DonutsGalacticos said:


> I stopped reading at "feel entitled to get anything they want from others: the repayment of old debts, money, *sexual favors*."
> 
> i mean ...


Its only an example, not every 2 is going to actually do that. : P


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## SuperSoaker (Aug 19, 2013)

DonutsGalacticos said:


> I stopped reading at "feel entitled to get anything they want from others: the repayment of old debts, money, *sexual favors*."
> 
> i mean ...


Hey, I'm not an intuitive... You have to fill in the blanks for me lol


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## VoodooDolls (Jul 30, 2013)

SuperSoaker said:


> Hey, I'm not an intuitive... You have to fill in the blanks for me lol


I'm probably an ISFP so i don't really have the answer. *dissapears in a cloud of smoke*


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## SuperSoaker (Aug 19, 2013)

DonutsGalacticos said:


> I'm probably an ISFP so i don't really have the answer. *dissapears in a cloud of smoke*



:laughing:


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## dinkytown (Dec 28, 2013)

I don't think cognitive types or mbti are remotely the area you need to be looking into when trying to assess relationship abuse. That's like researching photosynthesis when trying too assess if a plant is poisonous or not.


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## SuperSoaker (Aug 19, 2013)

blues street news said:


> I don't think cognitive types or mbti are remotely the area you need to be looking into when trying to assess relationship abuse. That's like researching photosynthesis when trying too assess if a plant is poisonous or not.


Abuse has different flavours. Emotional manipulation can be hard to see for what it really is. Especially if it's someone close.


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