# How to socialize better?



## 497882 (Nov 6, 2017)

I have decent customer service skills and no interpersonal skills. I can fake socialize by over analyzing a situation and running a billion patterns. Which mentally is exhausting. Most of the time people want a response or opinion but 90 percent my brain is analyzing a situation or listening to the person talk or give instructions. Most who meat me describe me as helpful but also as quiet. I am overly introverted and when I am stressed tend to hide or be by myself. Is there a better way to interact with people which is less problematic? This aslo becomes an issue when I am trying to communicate I am irritated or bothered by something. Which is mostly not relevant anyways as when I state something is bothering me am dismissed and told stuff like "Oh you know you enjoy it" or "This is for your own well being". I can and do fix problems but it is usually by manipulating situations to go in my favor. Like if I dislike "John" I make it where John needs to move to another office or else get me put in a different reason for reasons that seem valid but are nonsense.


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## BigApplePi (Dec 1, 2011)

What do you want to socialize about? It is a necessary need or do you just want to practice or are you lonely? 

I'd say pick some easy situation to practice. Don't shoot for full blown interaction at first. Just try a "how ya doin'?" and see if they want to go interperrsonal themselves.


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## 497882 (Nov 6, 2017)

BigApplePi said:


> What do you want to socialize about? It is a necessary need or do you just want to practice or are you lonely?
> 
> I'd say pick some easy situation to practice. Don't shoot for full blown interaction at first. Just try a "how ya doin'?" and see if they want to go interperrsonal themselves.


Trying to be less awkward in general and terrible at making new friends.


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## BigApplePi (Dec 1, 2011)

MisterDexter said:


> Trying to be less awkward in general and terrible at making new friends.


Practice Practice Practice. If you make a fool of yourself, forget it. Move on to the next person. 

A friend? What are your interests? Find out what are theirs. They will be interested in their own interests first and only secondarily yours.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

MisterDexter said:


> I have decent customer service skills and no interpersonal skills. I can fake socialize by over analyzing a situation and running a billion patterns. Which mentally is exhausting. Most of the time people want a response or opinion but 90 percent my brain is analyzing a situation or listening to the person talk or give instructions. Most who meat me describe me as helpful but also as quiet. I am overly introverted and when I am stressed tend to hide or be by myself. Is there a better way to interact with people which is less problematic? This aslo becomes an issue when I am trying to communicate I am irritated or bothered by something. Which is mostly not relevant anyways as when I state something is bothering me am dismissed and told stuff like "Oh you know you enjoy it" or "This is for your own well being". I can and do fix problems but it is usually by manipulating situations to go in my favor. Like if I dislike "John" I make it where John needs to move to another office or else get me put in a different reason for reasons that seem valid but are nonsense.


Hmm...manipulating situations is kind of cringy behavior. Yes, I've done it, but I find people don't appreciate being manipulated as a rule, plus you may be robbing yourself of a valuable educational experience. You need to learn to get along with people who annoy you because there's going to come a time where you can't maneuver a situation to your advantage and you're going to have to deal with them. I was forced to deal with some unpleasant people in the military. I avoided them where I could and tolerated them where I couldn't. Other times, I discovered, much to my surprise, once I got to know someone a little better, they weren't quite as off putting as I originally thought.

Sometimes the best you can do is be polite and only interact when you absolutely have to. Small talk may seem completely trite, dull, and meaningless, but it actually does serve a purpose in the grand scheme of human social behavior. It is sort of a "lubricant" that allows people who really don't want to be there to get along and get on with whatever it is that they have to be there for. So basically, when people talk about the weather and such, they are basically saying: "I don't want to be here, I don't want to talk to you, I'd rather be somewhere else, but I feel I must say something because it would be rude not to."

On the other hand, you may run into people you really DO want to interact with because they are fun, interesting, playful, or just someone who generally "gets" you (and you them). Then you want to ask questions about their lives and things that are important to them. If they are friends, they will reciprocate. Then once the basic niceties are over with, you may be able to delve into something deep and meaningful to you both. A conversation is basically a series of codings and decodings where everyone does their best to relate to what the other person is saying and enjoy the interaction for what it is.

If you want to get better at socializing, you need to practice with a broad spectrum of people, some of them are going to be interesting, and some are going to be vapid and shallow. The point isn't to avoid the latter in favor of the former, it is to learn how to be okay with the idea that everyone is different and varying the experiences with different sorts of people will only strengthen your skills. I'm not saying you need to seek out boring and annoying people and force yourself to spend hours trying to draw out something deep and meaningful from them, just know that exposing yourself to all sorts of people will give you better skills with socializing with everyone, not just people you approve of and find interesting.

So I would say socializing exists on a spectrum of impersonal, personal, and intrapersonal, communications. Each one has it's own set of basic rules and the best teacher I have found is to first, observe others, and then practice what I've observed until I get the hang of it (pretty much like anything else in life). At some point, it will cease to be mere mechanics and transform into an artform onto itself. You will eventually develop your own style of socializing unique unto yourself.


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## 497882 (Nov 6, 2017)

tanstaafl28 said:


> Hmm...manipulating situations is kind of cringy behavior. Yes, I've done it, but I find people don't appreciate being manipulated as a rule, plus you may be robbing yourself of a valuable educational experience. You need to learn to get along with people who annoy you because there's going to come a time where you can't maneuver a situation to your advantage and you're going to have to deal with them. I was forced to deal with some unpleasant people in the military. I avoided them where I could and tolerated them where I couldn't. Other times, I discovered, much to my surprise, once I got to know someone a little better, they weren't quite as off putting as I originally thought.
> 
> Sometimes the best you can do is be polite and only interact when you absolutely have to. Small talk may seem completely trite dull, and meaningless, but it actually does serve a purpose in the grand scheme of human social behavior. It is sort of a "lubricant" that allows people who really don't want to be there to get along and get on with whatever it is that they have to be there for. So basically, when people talk about the weather and such, they are basically saying: "I don't want to be here, I don't want to talk to you, I'd rather be somewhere else, but I feel I must say something because it would be rude not to."
> 
> ...


It really does not matter if you find the behavior cringey or immoral if that is the only form of action I have known and has served to be the least problematic. I realize I going to have to actually learn to deal with my problems, that is the entire purpose of posting the question. The only reason I use this method is because being stealthy is the best most inconspicuous method of existing that I have. 

Also copying other people is simply mimicry. So you are still faking it. I was trying out how to NOT fake it. I fake it with customers. Which is the problem since you can not do this with say coworkers or freinds.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

MisterDexter said:


> It really does not matter if you find the behavior cringey or immoral if that is the only form of action I have known and has served to be the least problematic. I realize I going to have to actually learn to deal with my problems, that is the entire purpose of posting the question. The only reason I use this method is because being stealthy is the best most inconspicuous method of existing that I have.
> 
> Also copying other people is simply mimicry. So you are still faking it. I was trying out how to NOT fake it. I fake it with customers. Which is the problem since you can not do this with say coworkers or freinds.


Yes, mimicry as a learning tool. You fake it only until you learn to make it your own. Observe, mimic, then vary it according to your own personal style. Once you learn the basic mechanics, you'll be able to transform it into an art that only you can make.

When I am tasked with teaching someone a task or process, I tell them that I'm going to show them how I do it first. Once they can readily reproduce it my way, they are perfectly welcome to go about adapting it to work for them. As long as they can produce the desired results it doesn't really matter what process they use to achieve it. That's the point.

Why should social interaction be any different from any other activity we pursue? We practice it until we master it. It may be a little awkward at first, but once you got the hang of it, you'll be able to be spontaneous, extemporaneous, and just have fun with it, without really having to give it a whole lot of thought, It will flow from you naturally.


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## 497882 (Nov 6, 2017)

tanstaafl28 said:


> Yes, mimicry as a learning tool. You fake it only until you learn to make it your own. Observe, mimic, then vary it according to your own personal style. Once you learn the basic mechanics, you'll be able to transform it into an art that only you can make.
> 
> When I am tasked with teaching someone a task or process, I tell them that I'm going to show them how I do it first. Once they can readily reproduce it my way, they are perfectly welcome to go about adapting it to work for them. As long as they can produce the desired results it doesn't really matter what process they use to achieve it. That's the point.
> 
> Why should social interaction be any different from any other activity we pursue? We practice it until we master it. It may be a little awkward at first, but once you got the hang of it, you'll be able to be spontaneous, extemporaneous, and just have fun with it without really having to give it a whole lot of thought, It will flow from you naturally.


Since sociol skills are more than being fake. Being fake doesn't work on people you know.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

MisterDexter said:


> Since sociol skills are more than being fake. Being fake doesn't work on people you know.


It is obvious to me that we're not communicating. There's a distinction between being fake and faking an interaction because you don't fully understand all the nuances yet. You pick them up as you go.

It is like having training wheels on a bicycle to keep it balanced until you understand that your own inertia will keep it upright without them.


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## 497882 (Nov 6, 2017)

tanstaafl28 said:


> It is obvious to me that we're not communicating. There's a distinction between being fake and faking an interaction because you don't fully understand all the nuances yet. You pick them up as you go.
> 
> It is like having training wheels on a bicycle to keep it balanced until you understand that your own inertia will keep it upright without them.


 Yes faking them has not proved successful


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## Coonsy (Dec 22, 2010)

I do best when around people with a shared interest (in my case, generally motorcycles). I have to do a little bit of just "making" myself hang around people I may not know at first, or say hi to someone pitted next to me at the track, but once I do that, conversations tend to be a lot easier since we have this thing (motorcycles and/or racing) in common. I make a lot of "friends" at the acquaintance level, and can eventually develop a select very few of those into actual "friends" who we can then go hang out outside of that world. 

It's still a slow process for me, as an example, I've lived where I am now for over 1.5 years, and probably only have 2 good friends, 2 friends, and the guy I'm currently seeing. Everyone else I would categorize as acquaintances only - like we can hang out at events/when we are participating in a shared activity, but we don't hang out or really chat outside of that.


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## Winter-Rose (Jul 20, 2021)

MisterDexter said:


> Trying to be less awkward in general and terrible at making new friends.


Just say to the person you'd like to talk more and to cultivate a more human relationship with him/her and then:
1) start asking
2) look if that person goes first

I think some people can think it's weird, but some friendships started out of nothing with me saying something out of nowhere.

Ex. I was travelling and I was bored. There was a guy near me who was taking out his laptop. I said with no shame "I'm bored, would you like to talk?", he stopped and we talked for 4 hours (for the whole trip). I did it even in my last trip with a couple.
I don't search things which will last forever but if it goes well, that's cool. I'm happy. Sometimes it stops to a nice small talk, sometimes it becomes more.

Usually if there's a connection, a feeling, it doesn't matter how it starts, it goes well.

I think it's more important to understand that inner connection so you choose the right person.


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