# *insert huge amount of unexpressed empathy here*



## starri (Jan 23, 2009)

Seeking fellow NF help as I have problems showing/expressing empathy.

This usually occurs as me starting to experience pangs of pulsating pain in the chest area associated with loss of breath and stuttering. To which I change the subject real quick or remain silent.. Which I feel bad about later.

Now how do I translate that into words, actions or whatever? >.<

EDIT: Other types that experience this or have some input are welcome ofcourse xD


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## pianopraze (Jun 29, 2009)

alizée said:


> Seeking fellow NF help as I have problems showing/expressing empathy.
> 
> This usually occurs as me starting to experience pangs of pulsating pain in the chest area associated with loss of breath and stuttering. To which I change the subject real quick or remain silent.. Which I feel bad about later.
> 
> Now how do I translate that into words, actions or whatever? >.<


Sounds like you are blocked in your heart chackra...

Hugs help!

*Hugz*


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## Ćerulean (Nov 18, 2008)

Looks like my Robot comment really got to you. 

+1 :laughing:


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## asbreathingflows (Jul 19, 2009)

I think I know what you're talking about... I often feel words are such inadequate tools in conveying your emotion to others.

The only thing more frustrating than being unable to express yourself is when you finally manage to work out a way of conveying your feelings and no one seems to actually understand... :mellow:


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## starri (Jan 23, 2009)

pianopraze said:


> Sounds like you are blocked in your heart chackra...
> 
> Hugs help!
> 
> *Hugz*


aww.

I'll go read about that now.



Res said:


> Looks like my Robot comment really got to you.
> 
> +1 :laughing:












xD



asbreathingflows said:


> I think I know what you're talking about... I often feel words are such inadequate tools in conveying your emotion to others.
> 
> The only thing more frustrating than being unable to express yourself is when you finally manage to work out a way of conveying your feelings and no one seems to actually understand... :mellow:


Yes, this. Except that, well I think they understand whatever I express. The thing is getting myself to express it.


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## Kokos (Dec 28, 2008)

When i empathize with someone i generally don't say anything, i just listen and show the person that i'm understanding.

My 2 cents i could be wrong, but maybe this is because as an ENFP you compulsively need to say something or share something when there is nothing to say ? I noticed that in my ENFP friends


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## Alysaria (Jul 7, 2009)

Kokos said:


> My 2 cents i could be wrong, but maybe this is because as an ENFP you compulsively need to say something or share something when there is nothing to say ? I noticed that in my ENFP friends


>< Silence is uncomfortable. I know I at least feel like I'm supposed to be saying something... My first instinct is to show understanding, and my mind plucks the first connection that I make - a time where I felt the same way, to show that I know how they feel. I start babbling like a moron and come off as insensitive and self-absorbed instead. And then I get to thinking, trying to be genuine and sincere...and once I start *thinking* about how to be sincere, I suddenly seem anything but, or I look like I've spaced out and lost interest in the person I'm trying to comfort. -_-;;;

Hugs really are less complicated and don't backfire as often....but my INFP friend gets all tense and uncomfy with hugging. I don't really know how to comfort her - and she tries to hide her feelbads so often that when they do spill out around me, it makes her very self-conscious and super uncomfortable, so that she doesn't really accept comfort at all.:sad:


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## starri (Jan 23, 2009)

Kokos said:


> When i empathize with someone i generally don't say anything, i just listen and show the person that i'm understanding.
> 
> My 2 cents i could be wrong, but maybe this is because as an ENFP you compulsively need to say something or share something when there is nothing to say ? I noticed that in my ENFP friends


Hmm. The reason I have my type as unknown is because I am unsure about it and because I don't want to be judged upon it. i know you mean well and thanks aplenty for the input, but the person who brought this to my attention was coincidentally an INFP --by repeatedly saying I need to work on my empathy and expressing it.

I am fully aware that it is not everyone's choice to express it, or need it to be expressed. What I seek is a step to step guideline of how to translate it into actions and words (starting to think i should have posted this in the thinker section xD)

roud:


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## Alysaria (Jul 7, 2009)

alizée said:


> Hmm. The reason I have my type as unknown is because I am unsure about it and because I don't want to be judged upon it. i know you mean well and thanks aplenty for the input, but the person who brought this to my attention was coincidentally an INFP --by repeatedly saying I need to work on my empathy and expressing it.
> 
> I am fully aware that it is not everyone's choice to express it, or need it to be expressed. What I seek is a step to step guideline of how to translate it into actions and words (starting to think i should have posted this in the thinker section xD)
> 
> roud:


When you get this guidebook, please make me a copy ><


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## starri (Jan 23, 2009)

Alysaria said:


> When you get this guidebook, please make me a copy ><


My guess is that the person who can provide this is an extrovert with Fe as one of their first 3 functions and is comfortable with their emotions - or has been in situations that they exercised it. Possibly a thinker will have it more documented while a feeler will just react in the moment according to the other person's emotion.


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## Alysaria (Jul 7, 2009)

alizée said:


> My guess is that the person who can provide this is an extrovert with Fe as one of their first 3 functions and is comfortable with their emotions - or has been in situations that they exercised it. Possibly a thinker will have it more documented while a feeler will just react in the moment according to the other person's emotion.


Sooo....I should kidnap an ENFJ or an ESFJ for this information?


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## Babybluefish (Jul 21, 2009)

*Dissapointed in Partner?*

Hey Ladies & Gents,

New in town, and feeling down because I'm married to an ESFJ who at times can be obnoxious, insulting, loud, and a gossiper.

Sometimes, I wish I was extroverted so I can appeas as someone more outgoing and fun.


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## pianopraze (Jun 29, 2009)

Welcome!


Kitty for you:


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## sunshine (Jul 18, 2009)

I have been kidnapped to give input on this thread. 

Showing empathy is very important to a lot of people, probably especially xxFJs. It's hard to explain how to express empathy, but I'll try (lol).

If you have experienced what your friend is going through, try saying, "Hey, I've been in a similar situation before. Would you like some advice based on my experience?" If they would rather you listen, keep listening; if they want advice, tell your story while being careful to keep relating it to theirs. 

If you say you know exactly how they feel, a lot of people will think, "This person has NO IDEA what I'm going through! How dare they claim they know exactly how I feel?!" So you might rather say, "I think I understand where you're coming from. I know I can't feel all of your pain/etc. for you, but I am here for you for advice, listening, hugs, or whatever else you need." 

If you want them to know that you're feeling their pain (which it seems you might, based on the physical reaction described in the opening post of this thread), tell them that you can't possibly know the full extent of what they're feeling, but you do feel some of their pain (or whatever other emotion they are conveying). You want them to feel free to share some of the burden with you (if that is how you feel). Do be careful not to come off sounding pitying, though.

Another thing you could do is help them do some self-discovery. Put yourself in their shoes, and try to figure out what your emotions and thoughts would be. Anything that comes to mind that they haven't told you about yet, ask, "So I suppose you're feeling such-and-such way about this?" That shows that you're listening and have caring and insight into what they're going through.

A lot of times words aren't all you need. As suggested before, hugs can help a lot.


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## amberheadlights (May 16, 2009)

I have sort of the opposite problem. I'm the person that, if I'm at a party, strangers will just zero in on to tell their difficulties to. I put out a lot of unconscious empathy signals, I think. That said, this is usually how I approach it when someone comes to me with a problem:

(1)Reframing. If you can reframe what someone says, kind of sum it up in a way that shows you've been listening with maybe just a little bit of insight or some subtle suggestions, it can go a long way towards exhibiting your concern.

(2)Sometimes, sharing similar experiences can help,but not too much. If you share too much of what you consider similar experiences, you run the risk of either seeming self-referential and like you're using it as an excuse to segue into your own stuff, or stretching too far in your comparisons and making them feel misunderstood. If you've truly had relevant experiences, though, sharing those sparingly can help the person identify more. 

(3)Do what you're comfortable with. If you're not a huggy, eye-contact intensive person, don't try. It will just come off creepy and forced. If you feel more comfortable, say, pouring them an alcoholic beverage to take some of the sting out of whatever happened, offer that instead. They'll read the gesture and appreciate the sentiment usually. (This is, of course, assuming that it's an every day type of problem, like a break-up or a lost job. If it's something truly tragic, such as a death of someone close to them, the best bet is to just offer your condolences.)


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## snail (Oct 13, 2008)

I know that when I am hurting, I benefit from the typical ENFP approach. I need to feel like someone else can relate to how I am feeling, and the best way to show empathy for someone like me is to reveal the fact that you know what I am going through, at least on some level, from personal experience, even if our experiences are not identical. I am also more likely to trust your advice if you have already survived something similar to whatever I am dealing with. 

I am an exception in this area, so when I try to do for others what I wish they would do for me, I just come across as self-absorbed and the other person gets the impression that I am only interested in my own problems instead of caring about their feelings. I can't seem to help it, though. It is naturally how I deal with such situations. It is how I show that I care, and that I am able to suffer with the person who is in pain, and I wish others were the same.


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## Bastable (Mar 25, 2009)

I'm a relatively tall guy, maybe 6 foot 2, 6 foot 3 (at a guess, i'm not entirely sure) so i'm taller than most people i know. I have a bad habit of slouching and hunching over. A mate of mine once told me he reckoned it was because i'm such an empathetic person, that because i feel the need to connect with people i dislike being above them so to speak. 

the point of the story is that my mate noticed i was an empathetic guy. Now, i have no idea how i really show my empathy, but i do somehow, because he noticed it. just a thought.


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## KerryLee (Jan 22, 2009)

Interesting thread. I'm afraid I doubt I'll have anything significant to say that will help but found it interesting that I too struggle with empathy. 

I feel for others but often I just, kind of, shut down. But this is fairly new. Until my late 20's I felt huge amounts of genuine, automatic empathy and expressed it very openly. I was definitely the one friends and family came to for understanding and comfort, and still I'm seen the same now, even though I do empathy so badly..or I think I do . Don't get me wrong, those I love very dearly, those I respect and admire, I do not protect myself from and allow myself to feel and care for.

I am assuming I started blocking to protect myself. I felt I absorbed too much and I felt too easily and would often feel like my heart was breaking or just so god damn awful because I was powerless to take away their pain.. 

Feeling too much is debilitating, and realising some people take it for granted and monopolise you for your empathy was just too distressing. I know I don’t just not empathise, full stop. As soon as I sense its "one of those" I just zone out emotionally. And I still react appropriately, although it's not genuine of course and I'm distant (strangely some people don't notice as long as you let them boo hoo about stuff and you’re looking on empathetically) ..:dryh dear see how I don't do the empathy thing, I’m just too bitter about it and cynical. 

I know on some level "feeling" seeps through though, even when I think I'm successfully blocking their emotional pitches, I do feel and imagine how awful it is for them etc, but at least it lessons it somewhat. 

Unfortunately I've now developed inappropriate reactions to things that should usually be met with empathy, or at least an air of sadness. For example, when something bad has happened, something serious say; I feel a laugh or giggle emerging from deep inside.. I have to fight so hard to not let it out, it's so embarrassing! I'm assuming it's probably to do with my not dealing and/or expressing my emotions properly. :bored:

But I'll be honest I prefer being stupid and childish, and being seen as cold; to being emotionally drained on a regular basis, to being depressed and exhausted making sure everyone felt cared for and understood while I was left to deal with feeling insignificant and misunderstood. I also turn the automatic empathy into annoyance and anger quite quickly too, by "thinking" myself into not feeling.:tongue:

Not helpful I’m sure but if anything I’d say don’t do the empathy thing. Perhaps your withholding getting in touch with it for a reason, maybe it’s the same as with me, it’s just not worth it. Our hearts can’t take it. 
Don’t open the door to feeling because once you open up, the feelings cascades over us, we express caring in abundance, feeling everything, it pretty much drowning us in the process. And yes those we are feeling for, gain from it in that they feel cared for and understood but it’s never enough, it doesn’t make it go away or make it any less okay; and while we slip into a personal hell and embrace the depressing reality that is life... adding yet another woe to the never ending list that comprises of things and people to make better... they still leave your company feeling rubbish and having to deal with the horribleness of whatever it is they are going through, so why put yourself through it.. ... just a thought:shocked:


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## pianopraze (Jun 29, 2009)

KerryLee said:


> Interesting thread. I'm afraid I doubt I'll have anything significant to say that will help but found it interesting that I too struggle with empathy.


You sound like an INFP... did some trauma affect your E?


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## KerryLee (Jan 22, 2009)

pianopraze said:


> You sound like an INFP... did some trauma affect your E?


No, I don't think so, I'm less E than I used to be though. I guess I just woke up, opened my eyes and observed lots of horrible people :laughing:


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