# Should I be worried about my ENFJ boyfriend's friendships with girls?



## KittyPegasus (Aug 9, 2013)

First he became friends with a girl in his class and he later told me they got coffee together. She is very flirty even though she has a boyfriend. Everyone in that class thought my bf had a crush on her. He would bring her coffee sometimes. I told him she seemed very flirty and to be careful. We recently had an argument and right after he retweeted her tweet about missing school and he said "Me too I miss graphic design class" (the class they were in together)

This week he's helping at a camp and he was telling me about another volunteer he became friends with. He was raving about how cool she was and how crazy it is how they're so similar. He cooked her lunch, they went out for coffee, and tomorrow they're going on a jog together. She's single and she told him about how her fiancé broke up with her. He told her he's always around if she wants someone to talk to. 

Not once does he ask if I'm ok with any of this. If I say it hurts my feelings that he does date-like activities with other girls, he says that he wouldn't mind me doing the same with a guy. I'm very shy and wouldn't feel comfortable doing that because I love him. We're complete opposites and I often wonder why he even likes me if he has so much in common with these other girls. We recently had a disagreement about future plans and he was saying how this new friend has the same exact future plans as him. 

I'm very traditional and he's a free spirit. I sometimes feel like I'm holding him back. Lately he says that he feels like he loves me more than I love him which is completely wrong. It makes me so sad. Maybe I'm not enough for him.

ENFJs, please help me understand..


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## toysoldier (Aug 31, 2016)

When you're a giving, loyal person, people can sometimes take this for granted. Apparently, the large majority confuses inaccessibility with value... and sometimes, they need to chase and get and chase and get... and learn. 

You need to explore being and knowing that someone who doesn't value you enough (may or may not be him), probably doesn't deserve your best or your overt concern either. You have two options: be cool and let him do the worst and then say, you trusted and let him be . If he chooses to lose you, that's his choice and you'll have the chance to live your life with someone more fully formed. A person who chases after the first shiny thing that wanders across his path needs to grow and learn that maybe that's not how it works. Shine is good but it's got to have substance to last. He also needs to learn that there are appropriate ways to discuss attraction to others in a committed relationship without hurting your partner. That's a level of sensitivity that some develop only when they're on the wrong end of the stick. Realize he is showing you who he is at present. This is useful to you too.

Your second option is to fret and question and wither into a shell of yourself instead of being a happy, constantly growing *you* . It's hard. I know. Don't cling harder. I recommend you go fill your schedule with activities and goals, rather than waste time listening to his glowing reviews of other individuals. The next time he starts: you go "Whoops, gotta go... Later." Then disappear into your goals/interests, not just pretend. You have to ensure you're an individual of substance too.

Meanwhile, I don't know about immature xNFJs ... A lot of real wisdom takes time for them to access, I've noticed. They need to mess up...a lot. And being too quick to be there for them can backfire. Maybe your best bet is another ISxx since you're one (someone with a stronger Si) or skip mbti altogether and just go be around good, intelligent people you want to be with. It sounds like you've got time...you're young. Learn and grow rather than internalize the wrong things. Always be kind to people but don't invest in people who don't see what they have... and meanwhile, go develop in ways you want to.


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## Kitsune Love (Jul 8, 2014)

I'm not an ENFJ but I do have an understanding.

With dominant Extraverted Feeling, he finds it extremely easy to connect to other people. I'm an INFJ who is currently in a relationship with an INTP and I spend a lot of time talking with mutual guy friends because I feel it's important to maintain my friendships with other people. I still put a lot of effort in to my relationship with him, I talk to him, I'm honest with him, I trust him.

Although I know the feeling of being told, "I'd be ok if you did the same thing I'm doing but with your guy friends"

It sounds to me like you're both young and you're both somewhat at fault. I admire the degree of communication you seem to have though.

Try to learn to take a deep breath and learn to trust him that he's not going to betray you by cheating. Express these concerns to him in a calm and mature manner. Understand that when he says he wouldn't mind if you did that with other guys (albeit a very poor choice of words) doesn't mean cheating. He's just naturally inclined to connect with people and to be a social butterfly... In the end of the day, you're the one who gets hugs and kisses, not them.


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## Ermenegildo (Feb 25, 2014)

Of course you should be worried:












KittyPegasus said:


> *We're complete opposites*
> 
> (E ./. I, N ./. S, T ./. F)
> 
> ...


Perhaps he isn’t very selective and prefers more superficial relationships with many persons (Enneagram social type) while you long for the most intimate relationship with a single person (sexual type)?



> I love him


But you already know that he is not the right person for you. 

Just in case:

*The 3 Phases of a Relationship With a Narcissist:* “Unfortunately this “honeymoon” period never lasts for long. Once the narcissist feels the victim is fully committed he soon grows bored and restless and starts to look for another provider of a narcissistic supply. This is when a narcissist enters the devaluation phase. This is when the victim begins to think that if they just love the narcissist well enough he will go back to the loving attentive man they met. What no one seems to realize is; the narcissist doesn’t get off on your love and admiration, he feeds off of your pain.” (S)


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## Vivid Melody (Apr 25, 2011)

Well, I'm not an ENFJ but he seems pretty clueless or naive. I personally think it's hard to just remain friends with the opposite sex (in most cases, not all). Plus these girls are single and some of them sound pretty flirty. I'd find it hard to believe if he didn't find it remotely tempting. I can see why you would feel insecure or uneasy about it - especially since he hasn't been the best about reassuring you. Kind of dismissing what you're feeling by saying "I would be okay with it if you did the same." To me that comes off as defensive of his own behavior rather than being reassuring and supportive of you. It's rather annoying if he keeps bringing up how he's similar to these other girls ad nauseum. That would make me insecure or uneasy too.

It doesn't sound like there's much real communication going on between you two. He needs to know how you really feel about all of this. It may be that y'all aren't all that compatible. Doesn't mean that you're holding him back. Sometimes people aren't right for each other. I'm not saying that's the case but I think he should be more wary of investing so much time in other girls when he's with you...unless he wants to pursue them or it truly is innocent. It may be innocent right now but turn into more organically. I don't think most people plan on cheating. An opportunity is presented.


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## LittleDreamer (Dec 11, 2016)

Awww I understand why you feel hurt by it. I'm not an ENFJ but these are just my thoughts as an infp

Do those girls know he has a gf (you)? If they don't know, that might be concerning because if he told them, it would show that he knows what his boundaries are.

I think maybe gently telling him how you feel about it might be a good thing to do. Just be sure not to say anything like "you shouldn't..." or else he might take it to sound controlling even though you don't mean it like that. I think his reaction to you sharing how you feel is important. If he spends less time with these girls, then you know he cares and is willing to rein in his social behaviour in a bit out of consideration for you and your feelings. If he doesn't...then I don't know for sure but it would seem like he isn't serious about a committed relationship to one person.


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## typethisperson (Feb 4, 2017)

This tends to be the case with ExFx guys mabye an ESTP in a Se-Fe loop would be better for you?


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## KittyPegasus (Aug 9, 2013)

Thank you everyone.

I decided to break up with him. 

He just couldn't understand my morals and values and kept arguing with me over them. He kept saying I love my religion more than I love him. I'd try to explain my perspective but he kept saying I hurt him. Who I am is a Christian girl and he has to respect that, but he can't. He knew since the beginning that my faith is important to me. Then he started insulting my religion and my family, implying we're dumb for believing a "3000 year old book". 

I'd try to move on and say let's agree to disagree but he kept bringing it up. He said he felt sick, depressed, disgregarded, etc. and that he'll see me in August (when college starts), that if I need someone to talk to I can pray to someone else or worship my 3000 year old book.

Not once did he listen to me when I talked about how he hurt me by raving about other girls and how similar their values are to his. He would purposely try to make me jealous and smile at me as he said these things. I asked if I can visit him at his internship and he says he's too busy. Not too busy to go on little dates with his new female friends.

Of course he goes back to being lovey when I break up with him. Now he wants me to visit. Now he texts me nicely saying he misses me, he's sorry, wants to see me, still cares for me, etc. He still doesn't understand what he did wrong.

He was abused as a child, his parents cheated, divorced, etc. He was good at masking that he's a very mentally ill person with so many issues. I'm convinced he has borderline personality disorder. I can't help him anymore, I'm done.


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## Librarylady (Mar 11, 2017)

He sounds like an insensitive jerk, you're better off without him.


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## Vivid Melody (Apr 25, 2011)

Sounds like that was the best decision and I'm glad you made it. When someone is that condescending of your personal values, it's a serious road block in any relationship. That's generally why it's better to be with someone who shares the same values as you.

Anyways, it goes without saying that the rest is pretty manipulative and unhealthy behavior. Best cutting off all contact with him (at least for now). Yikes.


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## cuddle bun (Jun 2, 2017)

I think you made a very good choice. and if you get doubts like "what if the decision making process was too fast"....honestly I'm pretty sure that careful trial and error would land you at the exact same decision.


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## toysoldier (Aug 31, 2016)

KittyPegasus said:


> Thank you everyone.
> 
> I decided to break up with him.


Your badass integrity = inspiring.


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## PenelopeS (Jul 14, 2017)

You two obviously aren't happy together so it's good you broke it off. You'll find someone who is better suited for you and who respect your values. It takes courage to leave a relationship that isn't working out. I applaud you for making that decision. Stay strong!!

But I gotta say I'm surprised you're religious for being a thinking type. He is right in that sense, it's illogical to believe in a 3000 year old book. But it doesn't mean he can treat you like that and be disrespectful! You both seem to need to make journies of different kinds. I hope you and your family sees reason soon. Good luck!


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