# Friend, there today...and tomorrow?



## Raynekatt (May 14, 2009)

I have this old friend from before I moved countries. She was the best thing since sliced bread and we did everything together. She was also a huge support when I was going through some tough times. Then I moved countries and we promised to stay in touch, which we did through weekly emails and calls. Though I usually was the one that initated them as she has this thing against the internet and couldn't afford the phone bills.

When I first moved I gave her a Christmas gift of a letter and a journal that was basically a vacation to Scotland at my expense for that new year. She was ecstatic, but she couldn't use it due to work and money which made me a bit sad.

As that year went on, she less and less often replied to my emails and when I called she'd ask me to call at a different time (I was now 5 hours ahead of her). She kept moving me about her schedule and it got to point that when I called she was spending time with another friend and tell me to call back, yet again, at another time of her choosing. During one of the now rare phone calls when we could talk, she told me how she had just went to Bermuda with some friends for two weeks. After that, phone calls became all about her and she was not interested and speaking anything about me.

I finally gave up, having gotten tired of chasing after her. The emails and calls stopped and she didn't try to restart them.

Then, this year, I receive two or three emails from her. The latest, received today, is about how much she misses me and wonders if the offer of the trip to Scotland for visit is still open. But in the same breath/email she tells me how she's losing her job and lost someone she knows and a trip away from it all would be good. She wants me to call/email back for Friday/Saturday.

I'm at a loss to decide what to do, so I ask: What would you do?


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## Ungweliante (Feb 26, 2009)

Obviously this thing is bothering you.

Have you told her how you feel?


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## starri (Jan 23, 2009)

Sounds to me like a typical case of *out of sight, out of mind*..
She wanted to reduce your friendship to an acquaintance with good memories, when bad things happened in her life, she went back to idealizing what you guys had, and wanted to get away from her life "escaping" to you.

She probably hurt you real bad, and you won't just accept her back in your life that easy.

I would be all cool about it, and reply to her email saying you need to consult your schedule about it, and start talking to her about your life lightly.. if she shows co-operation, and starts initiating conversation with you.. as a token of * i knew the bad of my ways.. and i want to fix it * then maybe give her a chance.

If she is flakey still.. then she is just using the idea of you and travelling for a sweet escape *quick fix*


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## Raynekatt (May 14, 2009)

Ungweliante said:


> Obviously this thing is bothering you.
> 
> Have you told her how you feel?


Actually, I have. However, she then had her ex that she was going to marry die from accidental suicide.




Nyx said:


> Sounds to me like a typical case of *out of sight, out of mind*..
> She wanted to reduce your friendship to an acquaintance with good memories, when bad things happened in her life, she went back to idealizing what you guys had, and wanted to get away from her life "escaping" to you.


I'm not sure if it was "out of sight, out of mind" but it certain felt like "Woooo, my exotic foreign friend...but I don't want to play with you right now because it's not convient for me. I'll just put you on this shelf here..."




Nyx said:


> if she shows co-operation, and starts initiating conversation with you.. as a token of * i knew the bad of my ways.. and i want to fix it * then maybe give her a chance.


See, that's the problem. She has never felt that she has hurt or wronged me. Only that I haven't been there enough for her. And (insert here guilt tripping remarks that I do not care to repeat).




Nyx said:


> I would be all cool about it, and reply to her email saying you need to consult your schedule about it, and start talking to her about your life lightly.


I'll give that a try, but I have attempted to do something similar to get the interaction going again and she tends to just ignore my emails.


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## hotgirlinfl (May 15, 2009)

Sierra said:


> I have this old friend from before I moved countries. She was the best thing since sliced bread and we did everything together. She was also a huge support when I was going through some tough times. Then I moved countries and we promised to stay in touch, which we did through weekly emails and calls. Though I usually was the one that initated them as she has this thing against the internet and couldn't afford the phone bills.
> 
> When I first moved I gave her a Christmas gift of a letter and a journal that was basically a vacation to Scotland at my expense for that new year. She was ecstatic, but she couldn't use it due to work and money which made me a bit sad.
> 
> ...


 it sounds to me like you losing contact with your friend,tell her how you feel about all of this and tell her your feelings towards the situation.


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## Raynekatt (May 14, 2009)

So....

I called her today at the time she scheduled. 

The call started off okay and she made the comment/query about the lack of contact between us. I explained my feelings on it - that I felt that she was trying to just fit me in whenever, but didn't actually want to talk to me because she constantly was with other friends and then leaving the call. She stated that wasn't the case and she was sad that I felt that way, that she thought my calls were really important and wanted to have a nice long chat with me tonight.

Then not a few minutes later, a friend of hers shows up to go to the movies with her...something she arranged today to occur at the same time as the call. We talked a few more minutes and then she ended the call saying she didn't want to keep her friend waiting and doesn't want to miss the movie.

--

I'm tired of this, I don't see it as a friend relationship any more and feel like she is trying to drain me all over again. I don't want that, not again. The trip will be a firm no should she bring it up and I will continue to respond to any contact that she makes, but I won't be starting the contact.

*Has had enough of her life spent in draining relationships to feel that all again*

--

Just an update for any that were following this. Please feel free to leave any words here about it if you wish.


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## starri (Jan 23, 2009)

*hugs Sierra in public*


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## Dr. Metallic (Nov 15, 2008)

Yeah, I had a friendship that felt like it was based on the other person's terms. It really sucks because we got along really well together. He's ENFJ. Toward when our conversations were dwindling, he would cancel our friendship on facebook, and request it again. That happened around 4 times. Then, I got frustrated and didn't accept the fourth.
Que Sera Sera.
I have better friends now.

Sierra, it looks like your friend made you second fiddle. That's crap. Sounds like something flighty expected from an ESFP. They tend to be really self-centered. Don't get me wrong--I'm self-centered :laughing: but I'm at least conscious of it and conscientious about it.

As a fellow INTJ I advocate friendships with ENFPs. They're flighty, but loyal. (I use the term flighty with more respect to ENFPs than to ESFPs)

ENFP: hummingbird
ESFP: hummingbird on cocaine


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## CAPU (Nov 20, 2008)

it sad to say but sometimes its hard and difficult to keep what you had with her , but u have to remember you moved, things had to change. its part of you evolving. why havent you made new friends where you moved ? that will help you ease your pain. plus remember how she help you throughout the rough times , maybe now its your turn to help her through her rough time even if the relationship is not what it was before. since you still feel close to her and maybe she doesnt feel the same it kinda your responsibility if you want to take to help her out through her rough time. and from there see what happends but just remember what you had and what you still have. -- a great friend back back home. and dont end such a great friendship it bad term or ended because of distance just relax make your life live your life and dont stress about it .


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## Raynekatt (May 14, 2009)

Thank you Hooded Knight for understanding without the need for a huge backstory. I think you are right in your words about the situation.




CAPU said:


> it sad to say but sometimes its hard and difficult to keep what you had with her , but u have to remember you moved, things had to change. its part of you evolving. why havent you made new friends where you moved ? that will help you ease your pain. plus remember how she help you throughout the rough times , maybe now its your turn to help her through her rough time even if the relationship is not what it was before. since you still feel close to her and maybe she doesnt feel the same it kinda your responsibility if you want to take to help her out through her rough time. and from there see what happends but just remember what you had and what you still have. -- a great friend back back home. and dont end such a great friendship it bad term or ended because of distance just relax make your life live your life and dont stress about it .


CAPU, I think you have made assumptions based on the lack of backstory I have failed to provide on the situation, but that is understandable. I had not thought that such information was necessary, though I see now that by not putting it, it have given the impression to some that I might be a flightly, taking friend.

I have always spent my life moving around since I was a smaill child and am well versed in what is needed in relationships to keep them going through out such changes. I have also learned that some cannot move and how to expand my friendships to new people where I have moved. Trust me when I say I have not spent the past 3 to 4 years living in another country without ever making another friend. That would just be plain silly and unhealthy.

Additionally, I know that she has also spent a fair bit of her time moving around and has many friends that are close to her that live far away. She continues to make contact with them and keep the friendships going.

I do remember how she helped me through the rough time I experienced and she was a brillant friend during the situation. When I got back on my feet, she ignored any attempts of contact I made. However,later she would only initated contact with me or returned it when she has had something bad happen to her. I have been fully supportive and there for her during those times over the past years. Though when they pass, she ignores any attempts I have made to contact her, be it email, post, or phone, to keep the relationship going. All I have gotten has been that she is too busy with her other friends and does not have time to even chat with me.

This, as you may understand, leaves me feeling that I am only a bandage or healing agent for her when she is in a troubled time. Something she keeps in the First-Aid box and ignores when she does not require it. One is left to ask, if she has managed to make so many friends since I have left (of which she has never had a problem doing in the time I have known her) then how can it be that I am the only friend that she can go to for a problem? How can it even be a friendship if I am only "used" for problems? Does that not seem more like a councillor position then a friend?

I have always believed that a friend is someone who is there for you during the bad and the good. Someone you want to share things with and want within your life through it all. Someone who feels the same way back to you. Otherwise, it is not a friend but an acquaintance filling a role.


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## CAPU (Nov 20, 2008)

ok. humm dunno wat to say now . u cant force some one to be what you want them to be , you already told her how u felt and she still hasnt done anything about it. it sad to say that it maybe over . in the sense of best friends and everything ....


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## Raynekatt (May 14, 2009)

I think I may have given you the wrong impression CAPU. I have never once said that I am ending the friendship. 

The whole point of the thread was to get advice on what to do about the call and the trip. Advice was given and it all agreed with each other. I did the call and provided an update on what occurred. Following the advice and my own feelings the end result was there will not be a free trip given to her (ignoring the fact that the offer was only for the year 2007).

In fact, when the call ended with her, I asked her to drop me a line anytime saying when she's next able to chat and we can arrange another call together. I will still speak with her and stuff, but I will not be paying for her to come and visit me on an all expense paid trip.

I apologise if I gave the impression that I was asking or encouraging advice to end the friendship. I do not believe I came across that way, and many of the posts received seemed to have understood that.


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## Dr. Metallic (Nov 15, 2008)

Sierra said:


> Thank you Hooded Knight for understanding without the need for a huge backstory. I think you are right in your words about the situation.


Sure =P Sometimes people use too many words to say something required by only a few. Gets under my skin... oh well.

I didn't realize that you would be expected to pay for everything. I think you made the right choice.


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## Kevinaswell (May 6, 2009)

Long distance anything doesn't work. It's nothing personal. 

I'm sure it's two sided, how awesome the friendship was. But. It's incredibly likely that what was awesome in the relationship just isn't represented through simple phone calls and emails. 

It IS incredibly sad. But. There are no hard feelings anywhere in the situation. It's just unfortunate.

Keep in touch occassionally, maybe visit sometimes. That's the only thing you can really do. Life sucks, 'eh?


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## Raynekatt (May 14, 2009)

Kevinaswell said:


> Long distance anything doesn't work.


Funny you should say that. My relationship that lead to marriage was long distance :tongue:



Kevinaswell said:


> I'm sure it's two sided, how awesome the friendship was. But. It's incredibly likely that what was awesome in the relationship just isn't represented through simple phone calls and emails.


Could be, it would be interesting to know what was missing. I doubt I will ever know what. It would be useless to speculate, though as ever relationship is different and it would involve a deep talk with my friend to discover...which she probably wouldn't give.




Kevinaswell said:


> It IS incredibly sad. But. There are no hard feelings anywhere in the situation. It's just unfortunate.
> 
> Keep in touch occassionally, maybe visit sometimes. That's the only thing you can really do.


Plan to. :happy:


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## Kevinaswell (May 6, 2009)

Sierra said:


> Funny you should say that. My relationship that lead to marriage was long distance :tongue:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Well maybe so, but you eventually ended up being together, yea? Move away again. Long distance things don't work. Humans thrive on contact, connection, and things like that. Phone calls and things can only satisfy so much. It's the same reason you go hang out with ANYONE instead of just sitting on the phone with them all day. But just also within a relationship. 

And good  If you like 'em for sure keep it up. Losing people you like sucks. I'm just trying to say that like... just because it's not the same, doesn't mean anything is lost. It's just within a different context now. A crappier one. But, life.


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## Parttime muse (Feb 8, 2010)

Let me introduce you to Madea.


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## zwanglos (Jan 13, 2010)

Relationships separated by distance never die, they just fade away.


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## justinhammar (Oct 23, 2009)

Sometimes I am somebody's friend. But then they piss me off!!! ARGGGG


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