# ESTJ Mother



## StarFreeze (Aug 10, 2012)

I think the title is mostly self explanatory. My family consists of 4 people total. My mother is ESTJ, my father is ESFP and my sister is too young to have a definite personality type. My mother drives me crazy to the point that I no longer want to do anything in life. My father doesn't generally care what I do, he lets me be independent. My sister is like a miniature version of both my parents mixed together with the worst qualities. How can I make my mother leave me alone in a way that won't emotionally kill her? Her crying fits and depression worry my dad, who in turn "tries" to make me worried.


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## Katheryn (Aug 1, 2012)

I don’t feel like there’s enough information for me to give you a good answer. I don’t know why she would be crying or why she’d be depressed, or what kinds of things she’s doing that are driving you crazy. Is it that she’s being overprotective or trying to control what you do a lot? And is she depressed because something bad happened, like someone died or she's going through a bad work situation or something? Or you have no clue why. It’s obvious though that its really affecting you so I hope someone gives you a good answer.


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## Helios (May 30, 2012)




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## StarFreeze (Aug 10, 2012)

Katheryn:2816984 said:


> I don’t feel like there’s enough information for me to give you a good answer. I don’t know why she would be crying or why she’d be depressed, or what kinds of things she’s doing that are driving you crazy. Is it that she’s being overprotective or trying to control what you do a lot? And is she depressed because something bad happened, like someone died or she's going through a bad work situation or something? Or you have no clue why. It’s obvious though that its really affecting you so I hope someone gives you a good answer.


She's over protective, privacy invasive, paranoid about expecting me to do bad things (even when she knows I do absolutely nothing) and too emotional. I've recently decided to no longer submit to any of her continuous inspections since I'm at my limit of tolerance. Because of this, she gets depressed since she no longer feels in control and cries (over emotionally). She doesn't seem to realize that I don't respond to her crying like "Oh I feel so bad, here let me give you the controls to my brain." instead I'm more like "I don't care, you're acting immature, get over it.". Besides getting my dad to support me and have him talk to her, I don't know how to deal with her personally. I hate it how she pretends to be in control when she's not, that irks me the most.


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## pinkrasputin (Apr 13, 2009)

StarFreeze said:


> She's over protective, privacy invasive, paranoid about expecting me to do bad things (even when she knows I do absolutely nothing) and too emotional. I've recently decided to no longer submit to any of her continuous inspections since I'm at my limit of tolerance. Because of this, she gets depressed since she no longer feels in control and cries (over emotionally). She doesn't seem to realize that I don't respond to her crying like "Oh I feel so bad, here let me give you the controls to my brain." instead I'm more like "I don't care, you're acting immature, get over it.". Besides getting my dad to support me and have him talk to her, I don't know how to deal with her personally. I hate it how she pretends to be in control when she's not, that irks me the most.


Since you don't respond to her crying, can you tell her what you do respond to when she needs you to do something? 

You both have Te. That's fortunate. The ESTJ mothers I know use yelling and taking their control by taking things away instead of guilt-inducing. 

I'm an ENFP mother with an ENTP child. I can't guilt induce her either. It would never work. It has the opposite effect. She also can't see values very well. She just wants to know what is in it for her. Ti likes to strike deals. She does not care about what is "right or wrong", she just wants to know "If I give you this, will you give me that?" I know. It was a shock for me too, to learn my daughter doesn't come with a natural moral fiber like I did. Ha! 

So instead, I have to speak her language in order to get her to do certain things or behave a certain way. 

I'm pretty certain INTJs need things to make sense. You are huge with logical consistency. You're going to have to see behind her twisted logic and see what she really wants. She is your mother and you are under control whether you like that or not. So you might just have to put up with it for the next couple of years while you are under her roof. Make things easy for yourself instead having to hear nonsense over and over.

How is your mother "faking" control when she is not? Is she not paying your bills? Do you live in her home? If not, and you are independent, I really suggest setting appropriate boundaries.


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## StarFreeze (Aug 10, 2012)

pinkrasputin:2817852 said:


> StarFreeze said:
> 
> 
> > She's over protective, privacy invasive, paranoid about expecting me to do bad things (even when she knows I do absolutely nothing) and too emotional. I've recently decided to no longer submit to any of her continuous inspections since I'm at my limit of tolerance. Because of this, she gets depressed since she no longer feels in control and cries (over emotionally). She doesn't seem to realize that I don't respond to her crying like "Oh I feel so bad, here let me give you the controls to my brain." instead I'm more like "I don't care, you're acting immature, get over it.". Besides getting my dad to support me and have him talk to her, I don't know how to deal with her personally. I hate it how she pretends to be in control when she's not, that irks me the most.
> ...


Her main goal is to control everything I think about and do, that's why I say faking control. She does in fact try to take things away, but I don't pay attention since I know she'll return them later. That's when she begins to break down once she sees that no amount of punishment affects me. Normally I wouldn't do this, but 16 of isolation from the rest of the world is enough. I can completely see the whole rebellious phase inside of me, but this is all due to her being a control freak.


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## pinkrasputin (Apr 13, 2009)

StarFreeze said:


> Her main goal is to control everything I think about and do, that's why I say faking control. She does in fact try to take things away, but I don't pay attention since I know she'll return them later. That's when she begins to break down once she sees that no amount of punishment affects me. Normally I wouldn't do this, but 16 of isolation from the rest of the world is enough. I can completely see the whole rebellious phase inside of me, but this is all due to her being a control freak.


Why is she saying she is taking things away from you?


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## StarFreeze (Aug 10, 2012)

pinkrasputin said:


> Why is she saying she is taking things away from you?


She takes them away because I don't do the things she tells me to do, such as going to church, or submitting to her inspection of my electronics.


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