# Existential Depression



## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

Yesterday I met the psychologist and I admitted to cutting myself last year when I was over-stressed. My mother found out, which means that she will constantly reference the fact to me over and over to remind me that I have problems that I never show progress in fixing. I told him that I often wonder why I continue living, I asked what the purpose of life is? He said that the question hasn't been answered and that life is some type of gift that should not be wasted on this mental wandering. He said that there are numerous opportunities in the world that I had been ignoring, that I was the one who was making my life meaningless by doing nothing. Indeed, I do feel depressed at times because I had some good experiences with certain people whom I will miss and never see again for the rest of my life. During my periods of despair I think about what a poor quality of life I have and how much better the lives of other people can be. They all seem so happy, they see their friends everyday, they smile, they laugh and they drink bad tasting caffeinated beverages. I looked at my friends, my acquaintances and others, as all being healthy and myself as unhealthy. A waste of human life. But then I realized something, I asked myself, "why do I envy these people?" I don't drink coffee. I don't go to movies. I don't attract mates. I don't usually spend time with my friends when I have that time. These aren't things that I do, what was I thinking? I'm not destined to do those things, I have my own uniquely messed up life to live. I can't waste time thinking about how much better other people doing, or how happy they are. They don't care about how I'm doing, they could leave me at any moment. There are 7 billion people, I'm not a necessary one. They don't need to rely on me and I don't need to rely on them. There are people everywhere, lose one and you get another one. I've done a lot of interesting things as well, my first kiss was with a guy when I was being sexually molested, I read Kantian philosophy and learned about the problem of induction. I write humorous and stories portraying my school as a drug infested central hub for illegal activity (as if it actually is not in reality). I even felt guilt about my race and gender for weakening the lives of various monitory groups. I've done all of these things and I will continue to do things just like them. See, there was something that I was missing about nihilism, and I just figured it out. It doesn't just apply to myself, instead it applies to everyone. So the next time someone goes to a party and gets intoxicated in celebration of their high school graduation, I will be looking back and saying that person's life was just as meaningless and repetitive as mine, but at least I have interesting experiences and unique behaviorisms. I now firmly believe that this is my calling, the beauty of who I am. There may be something wrong with my brain yes, my social life as well. But that's ok, it doesn't matter. I can do whatever I want. No one cares, there are 7 billion people who they can go to if they choose not to accept my differences. I do too, but that doesn't mean that I need to take advantage. I experience freedom like I have not experienced freedom before. Freedom from love, from regret and jealously. I can now live freely because I don't envy anyone else and I can do what I please. The key it not truly that I will do what I desire, I am scarcely aware of my own desires. The key is really that I have the freedom to fulfill those desires had they ever sprung into existence. Nothing matters, I do not see the reason to feel ashamed then, life is neutral. I'm not even sure why I made this and even more uncertain about whether or not I will feel the same way when I wake up tomorrow. But it was unusually pleasurable. Good night, then.


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## Glory (Sep 28, 2013)

Screaming into a pillow reduces stress and sometimes gives you a nice headrush


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## ShadowsRunner (Apr 24, 2013)

Blech, nevermind

Yes, it sounds as though you have found a sense of enlightenment; that is very similar to how the dharma describes the experience. Everything is sort of meaningless, but we have the choice from that, to decide what is meaningful to us. Or to simply existence within whatever we decide as to define "existence" by

Here, I really like this quote, I can remember seeing it all over town during this really difficult time in my life, I'm not sure why.


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## Psychophant (Nov 29, 2013)

It's probably more valuable than you realize that you're forced to contemplate these things now. I know there were a ton of things that really stressed me out in high school, both philosophical and personal, and I generally just shoved them aside and tried to distract myself with coding and other random forms of escapism, so it's impressive that you have the ability and willingness to reason your way through it at a relatively young age.

That said, a general word of advice that may or may not apply to you: don't obfuscate over relatively less complex problems with unsolvable philosophical conundrums. And I'm not accusing you of doing that because I have no idea how you operate, but based on my own experience, I think sometimes, even if something can be framed as a philosophical problem with no apparent solution, it's better tackled a different way. Sometimes you can find a local maxima without knowing if a higher peak exists. It requires you to shift the model and accept some ambiguity and inaccuracy, but at least that way you'll be moving towards something better, rather than sitting at the bottom knowing there's no way to really see the top, and who knows, maybe you'll find something better when you reach that new vantage point.


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## Amine (Feb 23, 2014)

Grandmaster Yoda said:


> Yesterday I met the psychologist and I admitted to cutting myself last year when I was over-stressed. My mother found out, which means that she will constantly reference the fact to me over and over to remind me that I have problems that I never show progress in fixing. I told him that I often wonder why I continue living, I asked what the purpose of life is? He said that the question hasn't been answered and that life is some type of gift that should not be wasted on this mental wandering.


The purpose of life is enjoying life. There are no rules, except those of physics. You can do whatever you want.

Life shouldn't really be called a "gift", because sometimes it is really horrible. Nature has no conscience; you may get stung to death by giant hornets. 

Nonetheless, all you can do is make it the best it can be for yourself and whoever you care to help.



> He said that there are numerous opportunities in the world that I had been ignoring, that I was the one who was making my life meaningless by doing nothing. Indeed, I do feel depressed at times because I had some good experiences with certain people whom I will miss and never see again for the rest of my life. During my periods of despair I think about what a poor quality of life I have and how much better the lives of other people can be. They all seem so happy, they see their friends everyday, they smile, they laugh and they drink bad tasting caffeinated beverages. I looked at my friends, my acquaintances and others, as all being healthy and myself as unhealthy. A waste of human life. But then I realized something, I asked myself, "why do I envy these people?" I don't drink coffee. I don't go to movies. I don't attract mates. I don't usually spend time with my friends when I have that time. These aren't things that I do, what was I thinking? I'm not destined to do those things, I have my own uniquely messed up life to live. I can't waste time thinking about how much better other people doing, or how happy they are. They don't care about how I'm doing, they could leave me at any moment. There are 7 billion people, I'm not a necessary one. They don't need to rely on me and I don't need to rely on them. There are people everywhere, lose one and you get another one. I've done a lot of interesting things as well, my first kiss was with a guy when I was being sexually molested, I read Kantian philosophy and learned about the problem of induction. I write humorous and stories portraying my school as a drug infested central hub for illegal activity (as if it actually is not in reality). I even felt guilt about my race and gender for weakening the lives of various monitory groups. I've done all of these things and I will continue to do things just like them. See, there was something that I was missing about nihilism, and I just figured it out. It doesn't just apply to myself, instead it applies to everyone. So the next time someone goes to a party and gets intoxicated in celebration of their high school graduation, I will be looking back and saying that person's life was just as meaningless and repetitive as mine, but at least I have interesting experiences and unique behaviorisms. I now firmly believe that this is my calling, the beauty of who I am. There may be something wrong with my brain yes, my social life as well. But that's ok, it doesn't matter. I can do whatever I want. No one cares, there are 7 billion people who they can go to if they choose not to accept my differences. I do too, but that doesn't mean that I need to take advantage. I experience freedom like I have not experienced freedom before. Freedom from love, from regret and jealously. I can now live freely because I don't envy anyone else and I can do what I please. The key it not truly that I will do what I desire, I am scarcely aware of my own desires. The key is really that I have the freedom to fulfill those desires had they ever sprung into existence. Nothing matters, I do not see the reason to feel ashamed then, life is neutral. I'm not even sure why I made this and even more uncertain about whether or not I will feel the same way when I wake up tomorrow. But it was unusually pleasurable. Good night, then.


You are different from most people and are beginning to come to grips that you will not share in their activities. I relate. What I like to do is sit around and read about philosophy, science, and history mostly. I don't like to go out and socialize much, and when I do, I only do it to hang out with other people who are interested in the same things. It doesn't look like people think it should, that is, it isn't normal, but I can only let that bother me so much. There's plenty of things which interest me which I find more productive to think about than the ways I've been shortchanged in life which, if I had them, I still probably wouldn't even appreciate anymore than I appreciate what I have right now. 

I think nihilism is a dead end, and probably is at the root of your confusion. The end of your existential depression will, IMO, inevitably be whatever moment you happen to realize how much everything _does_ matter. It's a moment first precipitated by anger. One day you look at life and you just get really fucking pissed off about how much it sucks and how much better it could be if people just got their shit together. Existential problems won't matter any more; this world is plenty to work with.


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

Amine said:


> The purpose of life is enjoying life. There are no rules, except those of physics. You can do whatever you want.
> 
> Life shouldn't really be called a "gift", because sometimes it is really horrible. Nature has no conscience; you may get stung to death by giant hornets.
> 
> ...


Problem solving can be a powerful motivator. The world has problems and a lifetime could be spent fixing them. Doing that would provide a vague sense of honor, right now I wouldn't accept the recognition though. The lack of recognition is what allows me to be comfortable. On the other hand, the movie I watched last night actually had a good quote, paraphrased it goes like this "a true gentlemen does not seek superiority over others but seeks to be superior to his former self".


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## Amine (Feb 23, 2014)

Grandmaster Yoda said:


> Problem solving can be a powerful motivator. The world has problems and a lifetime could be spent fixing them. Doing that would provide a vague sense of honor, right now I wouldn't accept the recognition though. The lack of recognition is what allows me to be comfortable. On the other hand, the movie I watched last night actually had a good quote, paraphrased it goes like this "a true gentlemen does not seek superiority over others but seeks to be superior to his former self".


Fixing the problems isn't about the honor or recognition though, nor is it about being superior to one's former self. Those seem to be the terms you think in, like not things-for-their-own-sake, but things for the sake of how they reflect on your self-esteem, which I would propose is actually really irrelevant. Fixing the problems is about fixing the problems, however that may be. Personally I think that means working with whatever your natural talents and interests are and sharing them with people. It doesn't have to be showy or massive. I just like to try to spread knowledge and beliefs I find useful or unknown.


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

Yomiel said:


> It's probably more valuable than you realize that you're forced to contemplate these things now. I know there were a ton of things that really stressed me out in high school, both philosophical and personal, and I generally just shoved them aside and tried to distract myself with coding and other random forms of escapism, so it's impressive that you have the ability and willingness to reason your way through it at a relatively young age.
> 
> That said, a general word of advice that may or may not apply to you: don't obfuscate over relatively less complex problems with unsolvable philosophical conundrums. And I'm not accusing you of doing that because I have no idea how you operate, but based on my own experience, I think sometimes, even if something can be framed as a philosophical problem with no apparent solution, it's better tackled a different way. Sometimes you can find a local maxima without knowing if a higher peak exists. It requires you to shift the model and accept some ambiguity and inaccuracy, but at least that way you'll be moving towards something better, rather than sitting at the bottom knowing there's no way to really see the top, and who knows, maybe you'll find something better when you reach that new vantage point.


What to do? Something. Sometimes I get annoyed with the constant reminders to get my social life together. It's like trying to win a race when you don't even see the other cars. My family sees a blank face when I arrive home and they don't think anything they do has worked. But my life at school as changed tremendously without their notice. The disparity is located in the release of more information. By telling my mother what I did, I've most likely made that situation worse because now they have increased evidence that I'm not improving even though I have improved greatly. I find that not many people are praised the way I am but still have hidden self-devaluation. I think the reason is that my parents view my problems as a disease while even the doctor doesn't look at it that way. How does it feel to become a champion at school and then to come home to a listing of social problems that quite honestly don't even matter. In school I'm a great kid, at home I need to raise my voice, sit up and stand up. For what need? I have always kept the two lives as far away as possible but they seem to be inching closer. This isn't something I should concern myself with, I should be focusing on my strengths rather than moping about thinking of all the little problems they want to force down my throat. They hardly know anything and they might never understand the full picture. Instead of considering this, I should just find what interests me and the problems might go away as I build myself where I am already strongest. This is similar to ignoring my giant muscles to cut away at some remote region of fat. Maybe I'm good at philosophy or science or technology, whatever it may be but I haven't gotten a chance to get better because I've been pinching at fatty social problems. Everyone knows fat gets used up as an anaerobic process, therefore I must be exercising my strong points to the point of lacking oxygen if I ever want to get rid of the fat. What say I actually become a computer scientist, my future would be with a team of computer scientists (and possibly an additional mathematician for scientists have limited ability in understanding basic concepts). What I'm saying here is that the problem can solve itself and that I only imagine it as being worse than it is because my only source of progression reporting is my otherwise uninformed family who will see no good for I have kept it well hidden to myself.


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

Amine said:


> Fixing the problems isn't about the honor or recognition though, nor is it about being superior to one's former self. Those seem to be the terms you think in, like not things-for-their-own-sake, but things for the sake of how they reflect on your self-esteem, which I would propose is actually really irrelevant. Fixing the problems is about fixing the problems, however that may be. Personally I think that means working with whatever your natural talents and interests are and sharing them with people. It doesn't have to be showy or massive. I just like to try to spread knowledge and beliefs I find useful or unknown.


I think self esteem is a distraction. It is a spectrum of self-evaluation. It's completely unnecessary and probably just ends up hurting people by making them narcissistic, there's no better solution than blinding yourself to problems. I agree, I do need to follow my interests and if I'm right the people will follow. I won't need to search for them.


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## Psychophant (Nov 29, 2013)

Grandmaster Yoda said:


> What to do? Something. Sometimes I get annoyed with the constant reminders to get my social life together. It's like trying to win a race when you don't even see the other cars. My family sees a blank face when I arrive home and they don't think anything they do has worked. But my life at school as changed tremendously without their notice. The disparity is located in the release of more information. By telling my mother what I did, I've most likely made that situation worse because now they have increased evidence that I'm not improving even though I have improved greatly. I find that not many people are praised the way I am but still have hidden self-devaluation. I think the reason is that my parents view my problems as a disease while even the doctor doesn't look at it that way. How does it feel to become a champion at school and then to come home to a listing of social problems that quite honestly don't even matter. In school I'm a great kid, at home I need to raise my voice, sit up and stand up. For what need? I have always kept the two lives as far away as possible but they seem to be inching closer. This isn't something I should concern myself with, I should be focusing on my strengths rather than moping about thinking of all the little problems they want to force down my throat. They hardly know anything and they might never understand the full picture. Instead of considering this, I should just find what interests me and the problems might go away as I build myself where I am already strongest. This is similar to ignoring my giant muscles to cut away at some remote region of fat. Maybe I'm good at philosophy or science or technology, whatever it may be but I haven't gotten a chance to get better because I've been pinching at fatty social problems. Everyone knows fat gets used up as an anaerobic process, therefore I must be exercising my strong points to the point of lacking oxygen if I ever want to get rid of the fat. What say I actually become a computer scientist, my future would be with a team of computer scientists (and possibly an additional mathematician for scientists have limited ability in understanding basic concepts). What I'm saying here is that the problem can solve itself and that I only imagine it as being worse than it is because my only source of progression reporting is my otherwise uninformed family who will see no good for I have kept it well hidden to myself.


You'll be in college in a year or two and you'll find your family's opinion of you isn't so relevant (assuming it doesn't stop them from supporting you where necessary), which is pretty liberating. There's not a whole lot more I can say though. Avoiding self-deception is maybe the most important thing; what that means to you, I don't know.

Oh, and you might want to communicate these things to your parents. I was garbage at that in high school, but it might clear up some misunderstandings.


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## Ermenegildo (Feb 25, 2014)

Grandmaster Yoda said:


> I often wonder why I continue living


*Montaigne:* Caesar, to an old weather-beaten soldier of his guards, who came to ask him leave that he might kill himself, taking notice of his withered body and decrepit motion, pleasantly answered, “Thou fanciest, then, that thou art yet alive.”






*Some useful words for young people: Eccentricity, Individualism, Originality, Uniqueness *




Grandmaster Yoda said:


> I think the reason is that my parents view my problems as a disease while even the doctor doesn't look at it that way. How does it feel to become a champion at school and then to come home to a listing of social problems that quite honestly don't even matter. In school I'm a great kid, at home I need to raise my voice, sit up and stand up. For what need? I have always kept the two lives as far away as possible but they seem to be inching closer.
> *
> This isn't something I should concern myself with, I should be focusing on my strengths rather than moping about thinking of all the little problems they want to force down my throat. *
> 
> ...


*Montaigne:* *I have never seen a greater monster or miracle in the world than myself.* One grows familiar with all strange things by time and custom, but the more I frequent and the better I know myself, the more does my own deformity astonish me, the less I understand myself. (On Cripples/Des Boyteux)


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## KevinHeaven (Apr 6, 2015)

A climber and a hero is not born on the top of the mountain, they have to climb it. If they were born there they will never become a hero. ♡ I see you


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## Purrfessor (Jul 30, 2013)

I found that the purpose of life is to not be bored! I used to think it was enjoying myself but then I realized it wasn't JUST that that I wanted from life. Some believe the universe itself was made infinite because even God didn't want to be bored. Seeing things as meaningless and seeing things as meaningful are two sides of the same coin. Both free you in their own way. And you need both to not be bored of life.


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## Morfy (Dec 3, 2013)

Try to get more positive reinforcers into your life.
Finding yourself will be a huge part of this and also finding out what you really want.
Some physical activity might be helpful as well. 
Try to not be too isolated socially even when you are an introvert.
Write down activities that make you feel happy.


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## luvshooz (Jun 24, 2015)

Sometimes the problem can be physiological and once you can temporarily enhance the neurotransmitters in your brain with medication it helps. It took me awhile to do it, but once I did, I accomplished some major goals and my life is different. I am also off the depression meds.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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