# alcohol addiction/gambling problem. Please help



## susurration (Oct 22, 2009)

Well, about 2 hours ago my father came home from 'work'. I heard an argument, came out of my room to demand what the problem was.

My father admitted to having a severe gambling and alcohol addiction, and was contemplating suicide as a result of being so ashamed at letting down the family and blowing all the money. 
My mother did not react very well, so I did all the reasoning/bargaining/supporting.

I told him I will do whatever it takes to get him well. My mother isnt coping and is avoiding the situation with anger/hostility, but I said I'm prepared to do anything.

Ok, so I've sort of got this action plan together. I called a crisis hotline, and they suggested some things, but the woman wasn't very specific. The info online is so scattered as well. It's annoyed the bejeezus out of me.

So, my plan is to get an intervention happening. Tomorrow, Im taking him to alcoholics/gamblers anonymous and going to ring a rehabilition clinic to get him into a long stay care program. I've arranged for my younger sisters to see a counsellor as well. 

Have you experienced this situation.. or do you have any advice? what should I expect? have I done the right thing so far? I dunno. I'm irrational and running on adrenaline right now.

edit: I wont be able to get back on here for a bit, but I will read any advice in due time. Thanks so much in advance!


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## moon (Nov 29, 2008)

Wow, good luck to you, your father & your family. Took a lot for him to admit that, I am sure. My family is going through the same thing with my cousin right now. He is a serious alcoholic & gambler. This past year has just been one thing over another with him. Refusal to get a job, lying about debt, losing his car to the bank, drug abuse as well, drunk driving/anger outbursts, etc. He's been borrowing our other cousin's car & Tuesday night it finally happened, he totaled her car, hitting a parked car with a family in it & causing that car be thrown back & hit another car. He'll be going to jail for a short time & after that we are having him sent to a rehab facility, some place he cannot check himself out of, some place to dry him out & psychoanalyze him. I don't know how your father is, but my cousin has some severe personality disorders that he needs to be going to therapy for. Maybe it is similar for your father? I am so sorry, I know this is hard for you if it is hard for us. Again, good luck to you all & I think the intervention is the right thing. It is what we were planning to do in a few weeks with the whole family until this happened, so we have to speed up the process.


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## PeacePassion (Jun 9, 2009)

wow natalie sounds like you're doing an amazing job of handling the situation and doing everything possible to encourage and support your father's recovery- i can't think of anything thing to add to what you're already doing. good idea to ask the crisis line, and i'm sure the support groups/rehab clinic will have ideas and support for you and your family as you all are supporting your father. i think there are actually support groups for people who are dealing with family members who have such addictions. anyway, best wishes. for you too moon! hope everything works out ok with your cousin.

oh, and be sure you take good care of yourself through it all too!


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## SeekJess (Nov 1, 2009)

I have been sober for almost two years... in order to quit, make sure your father wants to quit for himself. Not you, or your mother. It has to be for HIM, and only him. Other wise the he will most likely relapse.


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## TurranMC (Sep 15, 2009)

Strangely enough I've had no personal experience with someone who is addicted to alcohol, but I have someone close to me who has a ridiculous addiction to gambling. Its pretty much ruined his life, and continues to do so. I think the biggest thing is you simply can't allow it. You have to be there for him, and realize slip ups may happen, but he has to realize trying to make money off of gambling is not a good way to live. Don't let him do so much as buy a $2 Lottery ticket. Don't let him do any kind of gambling, even if it has nothing to do with money. People who gamble get wrapped up in it and it takes over them. He needs to know its not healthy for him financially or for his own mind. He can easily find other pleasures in life. He does not need it and he needs to realize that.


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## Hiccups24-7 (Oct 17, 2009)

Addictive Behaviours can be reversed with PSH hypnotherapy, the success rate of healing speaks for it self. Gambling is a common addiction that is easy to over come, the problem with alcohol is that it can be as much of a body (physical) addiction as psychological and can prove to be differcult to treat in people that are genetically predisposed to it, but can be done.. I believe it to be the best option and I highly recommend it as your first option. Doctors, support groups etc don't tackle the issue at the root of the problem, this does. I wish you and your family the best of luck and a speedy recovery <3

check out:-
The Australian PSH Therapy Centre
ASTA Home

If you can find the book 'emotional healing' by Frank Wright it has a lot of information and explanations of this method, invaluable in my opinion.
S.x


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## Rourk (Feb 17, 2009)

I hope he gets better.


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## susurration (Oct 22, 2009)

Got my internet sorted, and wont be working full time yet, so I was not gone for as long as I thought. 

Update on the situation;

My mother took dad to alcholics/gamblers anonymous. Have no idea how it went, but he's quiet and down. But he went, and that is progress. 
Younger sisters are avoiding the situation, one is in denial. 

Tomorrow, will be ringing around to get a few assessments for him to do a long care inpatient stay at an undecided clinic. 



moon said:


> Wow, good luck to you, your father & your family. Took a lot for him to admit that, I am sure. My family is going through the same thing with my cousin right now. He is a serious alcoholic & gambler. This past year has just been one thing over another with him. Refusal to get a job, lying about debt, losing his car to the bank, drug abuse as well, drunk driving/anger outbursts, etc. He's been borrowing our other cousin's car & Tuesday night it finally happened, he totaled her car, hitting a parked car with a family in it & causing that car be thrown back & hit another car. He'll be going to jail for a short time & after that we are having him sent to a rehab facility, some place he cannot check himself out of, some place to dry him out & psychoanalyze him. I don't know how your father is, but my cousin has some severe personality disorders that he needs to be going to therapy for. Maybe it is similar for your father? I am so sorry, I know this is hard for you if it is hard for us. Again, good luck to you all & I think the intervention is the right thing. It is what we were planning to do in a few weeks with the whole family until this happened, so we have to speed up the process.


Thank you, Moon. It is sad, but comforting to hear your families story. I can empathise. I hope your cousin gets back on the right track. 
I don't know why, but he certainly has issues. I remember being a 4 and overhearing my parents argument over my father selling the caravan. It never occurred to me before, but I suspect it's been a long addiction. I suspect issues from childhood... but I am in the dark about a lot of things. it's very early days though. 



PeacePassion said:


> wow natalie sounds like you're doing an amazing job of handling the situation and doing everything possible to encourage and support your father's recovery- i can't think of anything thing to add to what you're already doing. good idea to ask the crisis line, and i'm sure the support groups/rehab clinic will have ideas and support for you and your family as you all are supporting your father. i think there are actually support groups for people who are dealing with family members who have such addictions. anyway, best wishes. for you too moon! hope everything works out ok with your cousin.
> 
> oh, and be sure you take good care of yourself through it all too!


Thank you PP. I have been advised to organise to see a support group. I think the damage for us (the children) is more the fact of seeing him suffer from the shame. My mother has protected us from the monetary effects for years by working back. I have tried to get her counselling, but she is on medication for depression already and is satisfied with her monthly visits to the GP. 

Note to self: tell mum she is appreciated. 




SeekJess said:


> I have been sober for almost two years... in order to quit, make sure your father wants to quit for himself. Not you, or your mother. It has to be for HIM, and only him. Other wise the he will most likely relapse.


Absolutely. My mother was saying "you can't just give up on your family..."

I couldnt help but jump in and suggest he forget about the family for a minute. It was the shame of letting down the family that kept him drinking and gambling. That kept it within him and preventing him from seeking help. 
I have given him some options most involving quite strict clinics, but I know he will work on himself. He will have to. I have made the observation my mother has always known, and hasn't tried hard enough to get him help, and empower him to recover for himself. I feel that now he knows, at least one person will support him.. he will have the courage to face his own demons.

Goodluck on your ever continuing journey. I am glad to hear you have been sober for two years. 



TurranMC said:


> Strangely enough I've had no personal experience with someone who is addicted to alcohol, but I have someone close to me who has a ridiculous addiction to gambling. Its pretty much ruined his life, and continues to do so. I think the biggest thing is you simply can't allow it. You have to be there for him, and realize slip ups may happen, but he has to realize trying to make money off of gambling is not a good way to live. Don't let him do so much as buy a $2 Lottery ticket. Don't let him do any kind of gambling, even if it has nothing to do with money. People who gamble get wrapped up in it and it takes over them. He needs to know its not healthy for him financially or for his own mind. He can easily find other pleasures in life. He does not need it and he needs to realize that.


Yup. Im keeping my four eyes on him! I can be a hard-arse if I want to  



Shannonline said:


> Addictive Behaviours can be reversed with PSH hypnotherapy, the success rate of healing speaks for it self. Gambling is a common addiction that is easy to over come, the problem with alcohol is that it can be as much of a body (physical) addiction as psychological and can prove to be differcult to treat in people that are genetically predisposed to it, but can be done.. I believe it to be the best option and I highly recommend it as your first option. Doctors, support groups etc don't tackle the issue at the root of the problem, this does. I wish you and your family the best of luck and a speedy recovery <3
> 
> check out:-
> The Australian PSH Therapy Centre
> ...


Thanks again SA 



Rourk said:


> I hope he gets better.


Thank you. I do too.


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## SeekJess (Nov 1, 2009)

Thanks, well it'll be two years on the 20th of April next year. I just remember everyone trying to make me promise I wouldn't do it... and I would just end up doing it right back again. And its not really helpful when you have people in your face all the time about it, it stresses you out even more. I would definitely look into AA, or NA. Or try to get your father in a social network where he can meet positive uplifting people, where no drinking takes place. Just don't guilt trip an addict, is my advice..


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## 480 (Jan 22, 2009)

NatalieAnne,

Your father really would not be my prime concern right now. He recognized his situation, determined that he needs help, and asked for it. That's seems really healthy to me. There is, in my estimation, a sizable divide between having suicidal thoughts(idealization), and really wanting to die. Telling people about it and asking for help further widens that gap on a mental level. Your dad is moving in the right direction, and has the support and love he needs to climb out of this. That is not to say his problem is not of a concern... he certainly does need that help and love--of that there is no doubt.

My 2 biggest concerns right now would be:

#1. Your mom. Your description of her suggests to me that she is consumed by her emotions, and currently lacks the self-awareness and coping mechanisms to deal with them in a constructive manner. This leaves her current state, intentions and likelihood of actions; unknown. Probably even to herself. Worse, because her unstable emotional state is largely one of anger, any decisions she makes will likely be detrimental. And of course... it almost goes without saying that she is very much impacted by this on a deep level, and likely needs very similar help to the kind your father is going to be getting. 

My second concern would be you. Your mind is moving in the right direction, as evidenced by the sound decisions you're making getting your father help... so you're not as much of a concern as mom would be, but this doesn't mean you're fine, and do not need attention. It just means you're more stable. Think of it like this. You've put a nice sheet of plastic wrap over your dad, and you've got him sitting in the fridge, he'll keep for the time being and things will likely run it's natural course(in a positive fashion). You're in your container, but you need plastic wrap and movement to the fridge. Your mom is still on the stove, with the heat turned to high. Turn the heat down for her, get her off the stove, and when she's cooled down, get her into her container. Get the both of you wrapped up and moved to the shelf next to your dad. Then you can continue to move forward together. You're all going to need help, together. You'll feel this when the nervous energy and high-stress mode of function leaves you. Make sure you have a sound place to crash before the crash comes.

Keep your peripheral vision.


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## susurration (Oct 22, 2009)

SeekJess said:


> Thanks, well it'll be two years on the 20th of April next year. I just remember everyone trying to make me promise I wouldn't do it... and I would just end up doing it right back again. And its not really helpful when you have people in your face all the time about it, it stresses you out even more. I would definitely look into AA, or NA. Or try to get your father in a social network where he can meet positive uplifting people, where no drinking takes place. Just don't guilt trip an addict, is my advice..


I can empathise. It doesnt help that the people in your face dont understand what you're going through too. Tough love is sometimes necessary, but only up to a point. I've had anorexia (also an addiction) lost all my privacy, control over my life and was told constantly what I should be doing. Of course, this is needed at first, to give you some stability. But then, you start going backwards. It's only when you take control of your own recovery, you make longer lasting progress 

Thanks again, your personal thoughts aren't unappreciated. I'm sure it has been hard for you. 




Grim said:


> NatalieAnne,
> 
> Your father really would not be my prime concern right now. He recognized his situation, determined that he needs help, and asked for it. That's seems really healthy to me. There is, in my estimation, a sizable divide between having suicidal thoughts(idealization), and really wanting to die. Telling people about it and asking for help further widens that gap on a mental level. Your dad is moving in the right direction, and has the support and love he needs to climb out of this. That is not to say his problem is not of a concern... he certainly does need that help and love--of that there is no doubt.
> 
> ...



Thanks Grim. I know you're right. She also just lost the woman in her life, that raised her when her mother died. We've had a really difficult year.. our dog was mauled and killed by another dog, I got sick, my grandma died, my dad lost his job/changed jobs, two divorces in the family and my sisters are hitting puberty and are becoming very defiant (they both just turned 11). So yup, she's putting on a brave front, when really, she is avoiding all the strong feelings she has. without her meds, I dont think she'd be able to get through the day. She has done amazingly well none the less, and it doesnt go unappreciated. 

That said, I think this has been a problem for years. She has come to terms with his issues over a period of time. Not one explosive episode the other day when the rest of the family found out. 
I realise this doesn't make it that much easier for her. 
I am constantly wanting to help out. I offered to defer uni and work full time for a year so my father can go off to a long stay facility. I offer to do half her chores around the house. I offer to do anything she needs. 
But she thinks the way to deal with the situation is to be a martyr. She needs to be doing everything, and completely sacrificing herself. She doesnt want me to help, and I think she feels threatened by my willingness to be another parent. I've made it clear that I dont want to do everything. I am mindful of my watching younger siblings- ignoring your own needs to the point of self destruction is no good example for children. 
But, this is killing me. I NEED to help. I sat in my room crying yesterday because she told me to stop helping. I have made it clear that I DONT want her to put on this brave front. At least for a few minutes. I want her to trust me. But this hasn't got us anywhere. 

My parents always thrusted responsibilities on me that were beyond my capabilities.. but now that i'm actively seeking out the responsibilities, they dont want me to have them. It just makes me so frustrated, that I am a parent when they need me to be, and have to be a child when they say.

I dont know how to get through to her. I barely speak to my parents- they're both pretty cold and distant most of the time. How do I support people like that? I realise my mum doesn't just need financial and day-to-day jobs support, she needs emotional support. But this is a woman who has never let me in, who believes sharing any kind of hurt, is burdening that other person. She will not listen to me when I suggest for her to see somebody else apart from the short sessions with the GP if she will not talk to me. 
I know she is not coping. She's as thin as I was when I was barely eating anything. 
It's hard for me to see them like that, and at the same time, it's hard for me to push all my childhood hurt out of the way and do what I can to be supportive. But I dont know where to start.. because it's almost like giving emotional support to a stranger- whose life story, daily experiences, motivations.. you have no idea about. And the stranger doesn't know you either, and hesitates to take your advice on things because you're only 18. Where does one begin when the relationship is like that? 

I think my thoughts are a bit clearer now anyway.

Thanks everybody.


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## 480 (Jan 22, 2009)

NatalieAnne said:


> I can empathise. It doesnt help that the people in your face dont understand what you're going through too. Tough love is sometimes necessary, but only up to a point. I've had anorexia (also an addiction) lost all my privacy, control over my life and was told constantly what I should be doing. Of course, this is needed at first, to give you some stability. But then, you start going backwards. It's only when you take control of your own recovery, you make longer lasting progress
> 
> Thanks again, your personal thoughts aren't unappreciated. I'm sure it has been hard for you.
> 
> ...


From a parents point of view... I imagine it would be a bitter pill to swallow that your kid is helping you out... it is supposed to be the other way around. Perhaps it embarrasses them to no end. Perhaps it makes them feel like failed parents. I can only guess.

You mention giving advice, there's nothing wrong with that. If you want to try a different tact... try helping quietly, in smaller ways. Be less obvious. Just an idea... you know best how to be you.

I don't know what the culture is like over there.... I know in some places kids dont move out until they get married... if it's more like it is here... kids tend to leave home and strike it on their own when they hit adulthood. At 18 I'd say you should be an adult by anyone's standard... 

From what you're saying it sounds almost as if some parentalization has taken place. It's where kids take on a parenting or role of equals toward their parents. It causes a dissolution of boundaries, and makes for some odd and often unhealthy relationships. 

People have a really hard time accepting that infringing on boundaries in a "helpful manner" is damaging. It could be time for you to remove yourself from the situation completely. You handle your life, and let them handle theirs. I know that might sound horrible to you, but keep in the back of your mind that could be doing more harm than good despite your intentions. It might be something you want to speak to someone about when you're seeking help for your dad. There are also some good books out there on boundaries. Like this one for example:

Amazon.com: Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life (0025986247454): Henry Cloud, John Townsend: Books

You've helped avert the immediate crisis... keep in mind that NatalieAnne has a life of her own to live too.


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## susurration (Oct 22, 2009)

Yeah, I can see how bitter that pill would be. 

All my parents wish to do is to protect us at all costs. I believe they feel like failures. 

I was supposed to be out of the house by this month. I was meant to be going overseas, but he spent the money that was going to be put towards it. I dont feel angry about it, it just shows how bad the situation is. 

I don't know.. I want to walk away. But they are all I have. I know I cant fix everything and I'd be mistaken to think I can, but I dont want to give up on them. I dont want them to feel like im abandoning them. Maybe it would be better for them if I just went.. ? I dont know. I just feel entirely guilty for not being able to do more, and the guilt wont leave regardless of what I do. And I hate that this is turned into a thing about me. 

What would you do, Grim? leave or stay? (thanks for your advice thus far too, it really means a lot to me)


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## 480 (Jan 22, 2009)

NatalieAnne said:


> What would you do, Grim? leave or stay?


Well... I can share my insight, and if it's welcome, means something to you, or is in someway helpful.... great.

As for what I'd do... I'm not you, and I would have to be in the middle of that situation to tell you what I'd do in it. Likely I'd make sure the situation was stable and sustainable, then leave... and get on with my life. Depends on what is within your power. If you decide to stick around... keep an eye on you. Check with yourself regularly, and don't let it consume you.


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## susurration (Oct 22, 2009)

Grim said:


> Well... I can share my insight, and if it's welcome, means something to you, or is in someway helpful.... great.
> 
> As for what I'd do... I'm not you, and I would have to be in the middle of that situation to tell you what I'd do in it. Likely I'd make sure the situation was stable and sustainable, then leave... and get on with my life. Depends on what is within your power. If you decide to stick around... keep an eye on you. Check with yourself regularly, and don't let it consume you.


will do. 

I just needed to be told it's ok to walk away.


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## Psilo (Apr 29, 2009)

You have your own life to live. I've had to make the decision before, and I walked away. I'm not completely proud, but on the other hand in all honesty there was nothing I could do to fix the situation and staying was not helping the other person, and hurting me immensely. 

Know your limits and be honest. In that kind of situation there is very little other people can do to help an addict. 

I know what it's like to want to help, and I know what it's like to be utterly helpless. I know what it's like to want to be my parent's parent but falling short. 

Self preservation is okay. If you take care of yourself, in the long run you won't be spread thin when you can make a difference in someones life. 

I'm not saying walkig away is the better option, I know very little of your situation. Whichever you choose, live with it with no regrets.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 480 (Jan 22, 2009)

I'll add by saying from the tone of your posts and the questions you have asked... that it seems like you're done... and want to walk away. There's nothing to feel guilty about... in fact if guilt is the reason you're still there--I'd assert that leaving is long overdue. 

Getting on your with your life is certainly not wrong.


Let me know what you decide.


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## HollyGolightly (Aug 8, 2009)

NatalieAnne said:


> Well, about 2 hours ago my father came home from 'work'. I heard an argument, came out of my room to demand what the problem was.
> 
> My father admitted to having a severe gambling and alcohol addiction, and was contemplating suicide as a result of being so ashamed at letting down the family and blowing all the money.
> My mother did not react very well, so I did all the reasoning/bargaining/supporting.
> ...


First off you should be proud of how you have handled this. You have handled it better than most adults would. You have done veerything right and have been extremely mature about this.
My advice would be make sure you don't get completely drained as then you will be no use to anyone. It's not fair that you have had teh take up the position of parent, but in some cirumstances we have no choice. So make sure you get alone time too and that you have support. We all support you here at PC, but we can't be with you IRL so make sure you have someone to support you. I admire your courage and your selflessness. I am very proud of you.
But I must stress, don't let this stop you from having your own life. What you are doing is fine, but it's not selfish to want your own life too. Do not deny yourself of one of your basic rights.


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## susurration (Oct 22, 2009)

Psilo said:


> You have your own life to live. I've had to make the decision before, and I walked away. I'm not completely proud, but on the other hand in all honesty there was nothing I could do to fix the situation and staying was not helping the other person, and hurting me immensely.
> 
> Know your limits and be honest. In that kind of situation there is very little other people can do to help an addict.
> 
> ...


Well done for getting through your personal battles and thanks so much for stopping by. Thank you for sharing your strength.
I havent been to a support group, so I haven't really talked to people in similar situations. So it's comforting to know you've been through it and have made a tough decision too. If you dont mind me asking, how long did you stick it out until you decided to move on? was there something that triggered it? I'm just riding too much on the hope that things can change. But then I smell alcohol on him, and his mood is changed.. and I know he's stuggling. And still he says he doesnt want to give up working for a period to go to a clinic to take away the immediate temptation. I dont expect him to give up cold turkey. But it puts me in the situation of being able to help more... by somehow convincing him to seek treatment because I could provide a second income. And i guess thats a big incentive for keeping me here.

No regrets is a very powerful sentiment/mantra. I keep hearing it over and over in my head. 
thanks again



Grim said:


> I'll add by saying from the tone of your posts and the questions you have asked... that it seems like you're done... and want to walk away. There's nothing to feel guilty about... in fact if guilt is the reason you're still there--I'd assert that leaving is long overdue.
> 
> Getting on your with your life is certainly not wrong.
> 
> ...


I do, but it's more than guilt too. I really feel for what they're all going through. I dont want to see them hurting... and I dont want to not be there if something happens that I could see happening and could possibly prevent it. 

But I always see sense in what you say Grim. Your advice in many instances has been exactly what I needed to hear. I will no doubt be returning here, as i'm sure this will be a long battle. Whether I'm at home or not. 




HollyGolightly said:


> First off you should be proud of how you have handled this. You have handled it better than most adults would. You have done veerything right and have been extremely mature about this.
> My advice would be make sure you don't get completely drained as then you will be no use to anyone. It's not fair that you have had teh take up the position of parent, but in some cirumstances we have no choice. So make sure you get alone time too and that you have support. We all support you here at PC, but we can't be with you IRL so make sure you have someone to support you. I admire your courage and your selflessness. I am very proud of you.
> But I must stress, don't let this stop you from having your own life. What you are doing is fine, but it's not selfish to want your own life too. Do not deny yourself of one of your basic rights.


Thank you so much. I cant turn to anybody right near me, right now for various reasons... but support on here has truly been enough to get me through it. It doesn't take much, just a 'keep going' even from a stranger online means so much to me. 

I really value your encouragement. Thank you..


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## fabiola7386 (Jan 22, 2010)

Hi Anne!!
Better speak to your mom..
Since your father has realized his situation, it is not fair enough of your mom behaving with such hostility.


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## Life.Is.A.Game (Nov 5, 2010)

Hello, I just read this whole thread and was wondering if there are any updates on your situation? Reading it has helped me a bit with my situation and I think I have some advice also but I see it was more then a year ago that you last posted so was wondering how it all turned out?


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