# Conversing with an NT as a feeler type.



## SuperfluousNinja (Jul 26, 2015)

As you can see, I am INFP, meaning I love a good, deep discussion, but I'm consistently running into trouble with my brother's friend who is an NT type. What happens repeatedly is that we'll be discussing an issue, and then he'll say something really flippant or kind of insensitive, and I immediately begin to lose my focus and get caught up in his behavior and have to deal with my sudden emotional response to it.

Like yesterday, all it took was him saying "who cares?" to one of my opinions and that just set me off.

The thing is, I try to bring this sort of thing up to him, and he's always completely unapologetic about his behavior. He says if he wants to engage with an opinion, he'll do so, and if feelings get hurt along the way, he doesn't care at all and probably puts that on the person with the hurt feelings.

Does he have a point? It just feels unfair to me that he gets to say stuff like "who cares" and then it becomes MY responsibility to manage my emotions and spend energy trying to level the playing field when he could also accept some responsibility to be more careful with his wording. 100% of the time, it is put on me with that sort of "man up" attitude that I absolutely loathe.

Anyway, just wanted to get your thoughts on this, you intelligent NT folks


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## RexMaximus (Jun 29, 2016)

Well. I kinda agree with your brothers friend. To him, he's not out to create an emotional response, just to debate something. And what he says isn't intended to come out as hurtful. It then becomes extremely annoying to him when you have emotional reaction to something that to him is a objective, rational, or factual. To him, it's not his fault that you're being emotional about something that should be rational. Then expecting him to protect your feelings, when you're the sensitive one who can't deal with reality, is ridiculous to him. I deal with this sort of scenario with my NF friends all the time. It's aggravating.


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## SuperfluousNinja (Jul 26, 2015)

RexMaximus said:


> Well. I kinda agree with your brothers friend. To him, he's not out to create an emotional response, just to debate something. And what he says isn't intended to come out as hurtful. It then becomes extremely annoying to him when you have emotional reaction to something that to him is a objective, rational, or factual. To him, it's not his fault that you're being emotional about something that should be rational. Then expecting him to protect your feelings, when you're the sensitive one who can't deal with reality, is ridiculous to him. I deal with this sort of scenario with my NF friends all the time. It's aggravating.


Take a closer look at "the sensitive one that can't deal with reality." What do you mean by that? What is the "reality" you're referring to? I didn't indicate that I have trouble with the way things are, which might imply what political parties are in charge, what kinds of health problems we get as we age, etc. That's all totally different and unrelated. (if that's what you were referring to. Maybe you weren't)

The reality in this context is having to deal with all of the words coming out of a person's mouth, regardless of how they are arranged, and with NT types there is a higher probability of curt, dismissive, rude things being said. I don't believe for a second that "reality" is that others should just deal with that and the speaker should accept no responsibility for the spoken words. That's not reality; that's arrogance.


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## SuperfluousNinja (Jul 26, 2015)

Just to be clear, I'm talking about the WAY an NT makes points; I'm not asking about the points themselves or any of their content.


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## stathamspeacoat (Dec 10, 2016)

If it were me, as an NT type, and during a discussion I receive the response "who cares" I would then explain why my perspective is relevant. Now that is the discussion. Obviously he believed your opinion to be irrelevant to the overall discussion. Now they've HANDED you the opportunity to point out the deficiencies within their argument. Twist it and snap off the handle.

You will encounter some NTs who view emotional response as undisciplined and a weakness and they get a weird kinda power trip over being able to shut people down that way. It is not all NTs but I would say it's a fair amount. It's not insensitivity so much as a parallel to how we view/manage our own emotions. For us, emotions have a time and a place. We have cordoned them off so efficiently that 9/10 we keep them in check. 

Do I agree with what he's doing? No. When I am debating/discussing with more emotional people, I tend to select my words carefully as I am primarily concerned with hearing their perspective vs "winning."

Am I surprised he reacts that way? Also no. NTs, especially us INTJs have a reputation of being cold and arrogant for a reason. Some of us genuinely embrace it. Come over to the INTJ forum some time if you wanna see some intellectual cat fights.


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## RexMaximus (Jun 29, 2016)

@SuperfluousNinja hmm... I understand your concern. NTs can be insensitive, and NTJs in particular will be extremely blunt and not care for being diplomatic. A lot of the times that's just the way we come across -we don't mince words. Telling him to be nicer probably won't produce much in the way of results


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## Mephi (Jun 10, 2015)

I don't see a right or wrong in this, just very different communication styles. If it's not your cup of tea, stop talking to him. Otherwise, I guess imagine that he is a robot and respond to it as if a robot was talking to you. You cannot force someone to behave a certain way. You can only change how you react to something or get out of the situation. He clearly doesn't want to change what he's doing.


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## Catwalk (Aug 12, 2015)

SuperfluousNinja said:


> As you can see, I am INFP, meaning I love a good, deep discussion, but I'm consistently running into trouble with my brother's friend who is an NT type. What happens repeatedly is that we'll be discussing an issue, and then he'll say something really flippant or kind of insensitive, and I immediately begin to lose my focus and get caught up in his behavior and have to deal with my sudden emotional response to it.
> 
> Does he have a point? It just feels unfair to me that he gets to say stuff like "who cares" and then it becomes MY responsibility to manage my emotions and spend energy trying to level the playing field when he could also accept some responsibility to be more careful with his wording. 100% of the time, it is put on me with that sort of "man up" attitude that I absolutely loathe.


No. 

He has a "_point_" no more or less than you have a "_point_".. 

I contend + digress a tad, a similar issue with an INFP™ occurred; I do not usually converse with humanoid(s) that were so sensitive to language / word(s) alone, so it took some getting _used _to. Indeed, he was rather sensitive to my language-usage; mostly when I discussed "people" relation(s) rather brashly; but this also oozed out unto intellectual matter(s) as well. What was fascinating; was his abilities to "pick out" detail(s) I have missed; he is always able to locate feeling in the most detached topic(s). I discuss the impressive flow of music; and he elaborates on the _intensity_ of emotion(s) the musician must have felt performing / composing it — something, indeed, I would not have considered. And, considering his viewpoint, was "feeler-type", _enlightening_.

He also would stop me within _mid_-conversation; usually in one that was rather impersonal / non-people related, and slow me down to consider what (X, Y, Z), _might think_ or be "struggling" with, per se, if they witnessed hearing my thought(s) about them in such a manner. My initial reaction(s) were always; _why is that important?_ I admit, my eyes somewhat _glazed over_ (&) I found these consistent interruption(s) a tad annoying, that is, when he sunk into these explanation(s), but I could surely see the value.

On that cue -- there is nothing "wrong" with how he think(s); in fact, I derived quite a few considerations / critiques; and many of these "enlightened" moment(s) from him for my execution of idea-sharing around differential audiences / parties. In the same way, I encouraged him to *care less* and expand on his thought(s) (&) address potential _realities_ to which he were reluctant to bring up / converse about due to the keen dexterous focus on sensitivities and hyper-sentiment. Differential type(s) can learn _new things _from either.


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## There4GoEye (Feb 13, 2015)

NTs tend to care more about the content of speech, than the vehicle within which the information is carried. Function over form. We care more about the data, than the container.

If you value the form of speech over function, then you may feel entitled to feel angry whenever someone is not fluent, when they don't know your individual customs, or don't personally know your hot buttons or 'triggers'. You are placing the onus on others to understand your personal idiosyncrasies. Since no two people are the same, this demands sort of a godlike omniscient knowledge of everyone (an impossibility and unrealistic expectation).

OR (and more to the point) it demands an establishment of what is considered offensive, a set of guidelines for the purposes of social utility. In that latter case, it doesn't matter what you feel, it matters what most people are expected to feel. What it is reasonable to expect they feel. We already have a set of guidelines. They are called etiquette. 

Did he breach common social etiquette? If so, then yes he's guilty of being rude. For what that is worth. If not, then you are expecting omniscience of him, or worse, for the universe to bow to your special rules, and are guilty of being a snowflake. Keep in mind however, that it is within common etiquette to cease the pursuit of a discussion when someone is clearly emotionally overwrought, and when the conversation doesn't 'matter' and especially when they also appear to be seeking unity. 

That's my analysis of 'fault'. But here is the flipside to all of this: If you walk through life trying to determine who is at fault for everything else, you will learn nothing, and fail to grow. It's better to look at other people (whether they seem rude or not) as an opportunity for self development. You can learn a thicker skin, or learn to deal with abrasive people etc. In this case, someone else may be at fault (for what that is worth), and you can still use them as a learning opportunity on the road to becoming a better person. This puts us back in the driver's seat of our destiny and empowers us. Now we are again the ones who decide the course of our own lives.

Remember: All of us are the ones who make the final judgement about who we spend time with. If you really can't handle someone - ignore them or exit the situation. In that sense, interactions with other people are almost always within our general control, and therefore almost always our responsibility to some degree.


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## tangosthenes (Oct 29, 2011)

nah, he's a dick. you probably said something really stupid


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## Dare (Nov 8, 2016)

The exact situation you describe is kind of vague in a couple of context ways so I won't speak to that but I think you might find it generally helpful to remember everyone has feelings, everyone has things that annoy/bother/upset them. It's so easy to see a NT as having no feelings or as feelings isolated. Just bc we don't show it, just bc we aren't as overwhelmed by feelings, doesn't mean it's not there. 

Example I've used before elsewhere: Me put on a team with feelers. I immediately say in directive language 'how about you do this, I do this, then we do this?' Said quickly in an authoritative tone. If I was with a fellow NT I'm sure they would have either said yes and been grateful for the idea of how to do it efficiently or they would have come back with an even better idea for me consider which I would have appreciated. Instead, feeler buckles over in pain from the way I spoke to her. The other feeler rushes over to tend to the wounded and says to me angrily 'you can't tell us what to do!' 

Trust me when I tell you I have feelings myself about this kind of behavior. I am very annoyed. My time is being wasted. They want to take me from actual reality to dealing with their reality. So now I have to coddle them in a soothing tone speaking slowly: 'that was my idea. I asked you "how about?" hoping for you to either agree or disagree. If you have any ideas I'd like to hear them'. You would think they'd realize they made an error and get on with it or maybe even apologize. But no, now they want to talk about their feelings for a while first. Again, I have my own feelings about this, I just keep them to myself bc talking about feelings like that is derailing -- even if mine are actually justified (unlike theirs). 

Even though these girls probably weren't deliberately being emotionally manipulative at the outset (they were just irrationally reacting to the way I was speaking), it became emotional manipulation -- we couldn't start the project until they said they felt okay. This is not mature or appropriate behavior and I really resent being dragged into it. 

For me, the delivery does have some value. I spoke quickly bc I value my time. I spoke authoritatively to say 'let's get this done'. I'm indicatingly I don't want to waste time. I'm saying: if you can say something in 25 words rather than 250, please do. I'm setting the tone, showing you what I want. I'm also saying, perhaps to myself, 'I don't know you two, please don't give me any trouble'. And what did they do... I asked for order. I got chaos. I hope you can appreciate from this just how unwelcome the introduction of feelings can be for an NT.

For a more personal example: I believe my Mom was an INFP. Apart from being a little too soft for her own good, she was an exceptional woman in many ways. I have an INFP friend who I've known for years. She's intelligent and sweet but can be difficult in a couple of ways. She can be a little bad boundaries, a little emotionally manipulative without realizing it. And her idealism is too out of touch with reality. I'm pretty gentle with her bc she reminds me a little of my mother and bc we have been close friends for so long. But unlike my soft Mom this one really holds her ground which is admirable in a way but creates big debates that cost her emotionally I think. Not unlike what you described.

Our ENTP friend refuses to adjust his style when the two of them get into it. I throw him a 'careful' glance and he throws me back a 'stay out of it' glance. So I leave the room. By the time I get back ENTP is relaxing watching TV and INFP is quiet, obviously bothered but also obviously thinking too. It takes a couple of days for her to bounce back which is hard to watch. It would be easy to think that the ENTP doesn't have feelings but he does, the stuff she says aggravates him -- I mean really grates his nerves -- and, on a deeper level, he is concerned how much it's going to cost her in life lessons to find out how wrong she is. He keeps these feelings to himself and would tell you that her feelings are irrelevant in debate too and stick to the facts, well as much as possible (she will tell him how things should be based on how she feels).

As a comparison, when ENTP and I get into it, it's even harsher. Zero consideration for feelings. Facts, biting sarcasm, jokes at each other's expense, the kitchen sink, all thrown in. It's hard for us to keep a straight face bc we admire the shot the other just got in at our expense. I might need to pause to say 'good one'. Then we laugh and forget about it (even though we actually made it personal bc we like to intellectually rough house on the few things we disagree on).

Basically: it's all far less personal than what it may appear. What you're choosing to take from it is your choosing. And don't forget the other side has feelings -- you may be making them feel things too. If you can't let it go perhaps note to people at the beginning that you get hurt easily and ask them if they will keep to a highly curtious manner of speaking. If they don't agree to your terms, or break them, you don't debate with them. It's your choice. As I said, it's hard to know if this guy was being impolite. If you believe he is rude, just walk away. Boundaries are good.


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## Lollapalooza (Nov 26, 2016)

SuperfluousNinja said:


> As you can see, I am INFP, meaning I love a good, deep discussion, but I'm consistently running into trouble with my brother's friend who is an NT type. What happens repeatedly is that we'll be discussing an issue, and then he'll say something really flippant or kind of insensitive, and I immediately begin to lose my focus and get caught up in his behavior and have to deal with my sudden emotional response to it.
> 
> Like yesterday, all it took was him saying "who cares?" to one of my opinions and that just set me off.
> 
> ...


I'm not an intelligent NT, but I have to answer to this. 

To me that doesn't seem very bad, but I understand that his indifference may feel like insulting your intelligence. He probably doesn't want to hurt your feelings but that's his way of communicating, straightforward, which is not necessarily a bad thing.. I have quite straightforward style, as well, and people sometimes get offended by what I say, though it's not meant to be that way.

You both have kind of a point. You shouldn't just shrug on everything he says if it feels really offending to you, but stand up to it. Try to calmly explain why you think he should treat people more reasonably. You could also think about the reasons why you react so strongly to what he says, and try not to take it personally.


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## nO_d3N1AL (Apr 25, 2014)

When he says "Who cares?" respond with "I care!" and say why.


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## SilentNote (Dec 14, 2016)

SuperfluousNinja said:


> As you can see, I am INFP, meaning I love a good, deep discussion, but I'm consistently running into trouble with my brother's friend who is an NT type. What happens repeatedly is that we'll be discussing an issue, and then he'll say something really flippant or kind of insensitive, and I immediately begin to lose my focus and get caught up in his behavior and have to deal with my sudden emotional response to it.
> 
> Like yesterday, all it took was him saying "who cares?" to one of my opinions and that just set me off.
> 
> ...


Literally at the very first line, running through my head I knew this was going to be a "who cares" kinda conflict.

The conflict between INFP and pretty much every other type is that no other type shares your strong conviction for some ideals. NT particularly makes decisions by actively suppressing the emotional side of issues; whereas INFP's entire modus operandi stems from a core of emotions and values.

You must accept that only you hold such strong values and ideals. No other type can come close to it, as such, for the rest of your life, you will be dealing with a lot of people, who "just doesn't care (enough)".

It's like INTJs that think every other type just doesn't think ahead / plan enough / look before they jump.


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## ninjahitsawall (Feb 1, 2013)

I agree with some previous posts in that if you can reason through why this is so important to you, it could help both of you... it can help you think more clearly in those moments where you're saying you lose focus, and it can help your friend understand where you're coming from (especially since giving reasoning for why something is important caters to NT thought process). Although just saying "who cares" to someone's opinion seems rather immature imo.


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## 1000BugsNightSky (May 8, 2014)

SuperfluousNinja said:


> As you can see, I am INFP, meaning I love a good, deep discussion, but I'm consistently running into trouble with my brother's friend who is an NT type. What happens repeatedly is that we'll be discussing an issue, and then he'll say something really flippant or kind of insensitive, and I immediately begin to lose my focus and get caught up in his behavior and have to deal with my sudden emotional response to it.
> 
> Like yesterday, all it took was him saying "who cares?" to one of my opinions and that just set me off.
> 
> ...


Your emotions are your responsibility. You can have them or you can not. Not everyone is going to have the same opinions or priorities on issues, and that's something you've got to deal or find a way to present the issue so that it can gain his interest. My recommendation for you is to not take everything personally, and don't be offended if he comes off as insensitive (he likely means no harm). It may help to find another friend you can discuss those topics with who has similar interests to you in that area. (Keep this friend, but ofc you can have multiple friends too^^)

Now, he should try to empathize with you more, or be more supportive of your interests since you both are friends. That's his own shortcoming. But that is his personality, and it's very easy to say what people "should" do. However, you can always say a person "should" be like something in any situation and that does little to solve an issue and ends up in a finger pointing contest. Be open minded to his own opinions, and if it is a major issue, feel free to address it with him. I'd tell him to do the same and be more polite, sensitive, or open minded, so please don't feel like I'm going against you here^^ Issues like these are mostly a matter of two people having different interests, and for that, you either make the topic a common interest or just have to let it go or find ways to work around it.


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## atamagasuita (May 15, 2016)

Just understand him girl. Because if we don't we're the only ones who'll get hurt and he will never get hurt


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## Jasminetea (Jul 1, 2016)

SuperfluousNinja said:


> As you can see, I am INFP, meaning I love a good, deep discussion, but I'm consistently running into trouble with my brother's friend who is an NT type. What happens repeatedly is that we'll be discussing an issue, and then he'll say something really flippant or kind of insensitive, and I immediately begin to lose my focus and get caught up in his behavior and have to deal with my sudden emotional response to it.
> 
> Like yesterday, all it took was him saying "who cares?" to one of my opinions and that just set me off.
> 
> ...


What I see is that he won't really reflect on that opinion if it's for the sake of emotions. I'm the same here. What you therefore need to do is give him a logical explanation as to why your point is important in the context of the argument. 

Otherwise if you want him to stop just put duck tape over his mouth.


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## tinyheart (Jun 17, 2016)

Avoid talking about emotions. Done.

If you're in a situation where it's necessary, make sure to explain things in the most logical way possible so they can kinda grasp what's going on. It's like when NTs need to break down logic for us in apples and bananas so we can understand. Likewise do the same.


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## There4GoEye (Feb 13, 2015)

SilentNote said:


> It's like INTJs that think every other type just doesn't think ahead / plan enough / look before they jump.


Hahaha so true.


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## Daiz (Jan 4, 2017)

"Who cares?" is universally considered a rude thing to say and there's a high chance he's aware of that. So I wouldn't interact with him again tbh. There are plenty of people in the world you can debate on the same topic who will treat you with respect.


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## atamagasuita (May 15, 2016)

They pretty amuse me. I have NT crushes u know. Because, im awesome duhh

Sent from my E5823 using Tapatalk


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## Handsome Dyke (Oct 4, 2012)

Daiz said:


> "Who cares?" is universally considered a rude thing to say and there's a high chance he's aware of that. So I wouldn't interact with him again tbh. There are plenty of people in the world you can debate on the same topic who will treat you with respect.


Pretty much agree with this comment, OP. Seems like you're saying that you've already tried discussing this problem and this person doesn't really care about you. Not caring about emotional reactions to neutral language is one thing, and not caring about emotional reactions to dismissive language is another. I wouldn't bother with such a person.


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## malignantmongrel (Jan 20, 2017)

who cares


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## MisterPerfect (Nov 20, 2015)

SuperfluousNinja said:


> As you can see, I am INFP, meaning I love a good, deep discussion, but I'm consistently running into trouble with my brother's friend who is an NT type. What happens repeatedly is that we'll be discussing an issue, and then he'll say something really flippant or kind of insensitive, and I immediately begin to lose my focus and get caught up in his behavior and have to deal with my sudden emotional response to it.
> 
> Like yesterday, all it took was him saying "who cares?" to one of my opinions and that just set me off.
> 
> ...


Okay first off saying "Who cares" to someone is very rude. It also shows that they dont value your thoughts, your opinions or respect you as a person. Generally when I have having a discussion ill say "I dont see how that is reluvant or important to the discussion". Saying "Who cares" is saying "Your opinion is unimportant and you are unimportant". Now if I think someone is freaking out about a issue like "I going to commit suicide since I lost on mario brothers" I will say "Get over it, its not the end of the world, there is more in this world then a videogame" since there is! However I dont really ever say "Who cares". Since while I argue I dont dismiss people like that. Who care tranlates to= I dont care, stop bothering me. It doesnt seem like this person really cares about you a a person.


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## Lann the Clever (Jan 30, 2017)

It is your responsibility to manage your emotions. This being said, the person in question was still rude.


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## Unicorn Attack (Dec 5, 2016)

Lann the Clever said:


> It is your responsibility to manage your emotions. This being said, the person in question was still rude.


This ^^^^^

He's insensitive, but so what? Why should his communication style change just for you when it seems you are not willing to change the way you perceive what he says? He's not even your friend, he's your brother's friend, so I don't know why this matters.


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## Baloo23 (Mar 1, 2016)

Why do you care so much what he says? Do you like him romantically? If so get used to it, NT personality types aren't known for their empathy. If he responds with who cares there's a good chance you're annoying him and you don't mesh well. There should be some sort of follow up. Just chalk it up to some people won't like you, NT or any other type he sounds like you annoy him.


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## Silastar (Mar 29, 2016)

I believe this issue could be easily explained through MBTI. It is an useful tool to make people understand each other - why not use it to describe your feeling and attempt to get along? I know it's hard but explaining how you feel in such situations is important. 

Personally, I agree with what you're saying. In a conversation of equals you expect people to have a degree of respect for what you believe in. A language which washes off (impolitely) what matters to you is uncalled for and doesn't contribute to the conversation. If he is a Te type, you can call him out on the relevance of respecting each other in society etc.
As you make him understand your feeling, you may attempt to understand why he doesn't believe in the relevance of your insight. Maybe some of what you were saying was not directly tied to the ongoing discussion? In that case maybe an expression of indifference made sense.

As for the idea that you should manage your emotions if someone is rude to you... I disagree. Adopting a rude tone implies managing the conversation in a certain way and giving a specific (read: detrimental) contribution to the dialogue. Furthermore, it already implies said individual has been influenced by his own emotions and was unable to manage them in the first place. Depending on the circumstances of the discussion, this guy may or may not be appropriate.


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## Shiver (Nov 10, 2016)

Having poor social skills is not a trait of being NT. It's on them to learn how not to be insufferable in conversation.


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## Dogeater (Jan 28, 2017)

Sounds like he is inconsiderate and rude. Not just NT's but anyone can say things. They have a right to say them. But that doesn't mean there won't be consequences. For this NT, the consequence may be that he loses influence and respect with you and others because of how he treats them. I suspect he is immature for now and may eventually realize he is taking a wrong approach. 

Learn what you can from being around him. There will be others like him in the world. You don't need his approval to have your own feelings and opinions. I actually really respect people who have their own feelings and opinions...they're interesting because they come from within those people. I don't work that way. My "feelings and opinions" change based on the best argument I can find for having them at the time.


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## Short Cake Cake (Jan 13, 2017)

I actually think that his response is irrational.
"IDC" is not logical LMAO. What does that bring to a discussion? It's not constructive. 

But aside from that scenario, unless it's rude or a personal attack you just have to take it with a grain of salt. Take a moment to calm yourself.

I hate it when people tell me they don't care if they hurt my feelings. This is not a an academic debate. You are my friend, sibling, whatever you better have common decency or guess what? I don't have to talk to you. I don't have to care about how you will feel when you can't debate with me anymore because I don't care.

Like if he's saying a fact and that fact hurts your feelings then that's on you. But if he's saying things that aren't constructive or BS. Just point that out and if he doesn't care disengage. He'll get the message. Probably lol.


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## Elistra (Apr 6, 2013)

Your emotions are a core part of who you are, and if he can't deal with that, drop him. Life's too short to spend it around people who expect you to be someone else.


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## thriftybarbs21 (Mar 8, 2017)

What I learned with nt Types is that they prefer logic over emotion so they are going to try and rationalize emotions because they prefer a world like that. Since your a Nf especially leading with Fi it will hurt your feelings and it's understandable because you have introverted feeling which leads on what is morally right to you and your beliefs. Try to hear the Nt out a little bit more and find a balance with him/her. If that doesn't work than just be aware that your not changing your personality for them so why should they and also question if that person is worth the time and energy to be frustrated at. Hopefully this helps! :smug:


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## SynergyIncarnate (Nov 1, 2016)

Saying 'who cares' in a discussion may be either intentionally provocational or just unintentionally callous. Its not a rational or constructive thing to say, and I dont think its unreasonable of you to expect some basic courtesy from whoever you converse with be they NT or any other type. It sounds like it comes from a devaluation of Fe - the vibe between NTJs and NTPs is partly based on that difference, since NTJs have strong thinking tendencies but dont have extraverted feeling in their stack, which is concerned with the maintenence of social harmony and the perception of others emotions and modifying expressions to guide those emotions. That can make them seem cold (as can inferior Fe in INTPs, though we still actually value the goals of Fe even if we arent usually particularly adept at reaching them). Some XNTJs i've met appear to revel in that ability to rile others with their callous disregard for other people's feelings, while others seem to be more considerate of other's feelings and they may simply appear callous but not intend to be, simply as a byproduct of the way they process information and communicate it. 

If you listen closely to the tone of voice someone has when they say what they say, for example when that person said 'who cares', if there is resentment, or dismissal, or some kind of negative emotional provocation in the voice, you can tell its not coming from a rational place and there is some emotional motivation behind it, sometimes aimed to devalue what you say or you as a person rather than in the spirit of objective inquiry. This can be hard to discern especially for Feeling dominants it seems because you guys sometimes have very emotionally sensitive minds that can actually feedback into your perceptions of how people relate to you, which means sometimes you percieve purely objective and dispassionate observations with zero malicious intent behind them to be intentional attacks of some kind. Its quite hard to get objectivity on this kind of thing for F-doms since the predominant mode of adaptation and interpretation is through Feeling, which is self-justifying in its emotional judgements (just like Ti is self-justifying in its logical judgements). I guess you could see whether you react this way to many other people, and ask third parties who know the same people as you who rile you up for a second opinion on the callousness/courtesy of this person to you when you two are interacting.

It is easy to project intent that isnt there, which is one of the main ways XXTXs and XXFXs misunderstand each other, by filtering the other persons statements through a subjective filter which is at odds with the one the other person used to construct it. Purely objective impersonal statements are often interpreted as personal statements on the value of someone and responded emotionally to (Fs interpreting Ts), and vague feeling charged judgements are often interpreted as cognitively-clouded and inadequately differentiated viewpoints (Ts interpreting Fs).


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## Ald52OnMyTonguePleas (Mar 3, 2017)

When my NT friends do this I take it as it is, a question to answer--taking into account their tone of voice. If they are dismissive I laugh it off and start with the _ad hominems_.

Usually they are interested in furthering the discussion and want more input from me. This is a cue to lay down your convictions, but be ready to back them with facts and rational reasoning. I maybe the odd NF because I just love NTs for their directness and blunt honesty. If they have no interest in what is being said they flat out tell me and save everyone wasted time and energy. Believe me, you would know if they were cutting you off at the knees. 

And yeah it is our responsibility to manage our emotions, same as it is for our actions. Cannot go murder someone and claim they didn't handle my feels properly as your defense expecting a favorable court ruling, can you?


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