# Friendship Advice



## kaycee (May 18, 2010)

I have an INFP friend who doesn't always treat me very nice.

We've known each other for about 10 months now, and he has been my confidant. I've shared a lot of my fears and insecurities with him, and I would say 75% of the time he's a great friend.

It is the other 25% that bothers me. There will be times where he tells me how annoying I am, but refuses to explain when I question him about it (though he's told me several times he wants me to ask him questions instead of assuming things because I tend to catastrophize). A few weeks ago, we went through this exact situation, and we got over it because he apologized and said he realized he had been treating me like an NT and not the NF that I am. He said that talking about it made him realize that he went about talking to me the wrong way and hadn't treated me very well and he would work change that.

Well, things were great for like 2 weeks, and then the same thing happened. I made a snarky comment about someone (someone he doesn't even know) and he told me I was being "bitchy" and when I said I didn't mean to upset him, he told me to "fuck off". We usually talk everyday, but I gave him space and didn't talk to him for two days. When I IMd him, I asked if he was still annoyed with me, and he said that "I wasn't until you asked. bye."

I haven't talked to him in two days now.

I'm honestly really hurt, even more so that he claimed to understand why I was so upset last time and said he would work to change that only to do the exact same thing 2 weeks later.

I'm not sure if I should keep pursuing this friendship or if I should be ready to let it go. The good times are great, but I'm very susceptible to depression and anxiety, and unstable relationships are a root cause of that. 

What do you guys think?


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## StandardLawyer (Dec 21, 2009)

He took it personally. That snark you made to that other person probably relates to him.

But anyways 

Take a vacation from him. Live Kaycee


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## jbking (Jun 4, 2010)

My suggestion would be to consider setting up boundaries and then informing him of what they are and that you won't take his crap any more. In a sense, I could see this being the straw that broke the camel's back, but I do believe in giving most people another chance though I would make sure to communicate that there is a line and if crossed he is outta here. Just a thought about how I'd handle this kind of problem if I had it.


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## kaycee (May 18, 2010)

Thank you both.

I feel like I have set boundaries over and over again, and I feel like he is being a fraud by constantly telling me I need to set them with other people and then not respecting them in our relationship.


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## jbking (Jun 4, 2010)

kaycee said:


> I feel like I have set boundaries over and over again, and I feel like he is being a fraud by constantly telling me I need to set them with other people and then not respecting them in our relationship.


This should be a warning sign that he may think is special and above those rules. By maintaining the relationship, you are allowing this to happen in a sense. Another way to view this is that you bluffed, he called you on it and you caved. The power of your bluff with him is gone until you follow through on something.


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## Calvaire (Nov 14, 2009)

He sounds like an unhealthy INFP to me.

Honestly if I were you I'd be weary of him.Maybe take a break from talking to
him and wait for him see if he comes to you or misses you.


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## kaycee (May 18, 2010)

Any ideas on how to go about this break? I think it is for the best as well, but I am still plagued by thoughts that he doesn't care I am not talking to him and the he hates me and I almost feel like I'd rather him talk to me poorly than not want to talk to me at all, which is a terribly insecure thing to say. :frustrating:


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## jigsaw2888 (Jun 14, 2010)

Oh nooo!!!!! That is really mean! >_< 

Hun, you are an ENFP, you can't set boundaries. You have no boundaries . . . I mean . . . we kinda just get carried forward by the way we feel and care for so much. My question to you is, how much control do you have to stop? And what do you need? How do you really feel? 

It sounds like you are hitting a brick wall, and like you are hitting it hard. It also sounds like you are already emotionally invested in the brick wall . . .

If you CAN set boundaries emotionally . . . do it. (This always seems like such a joke to me, because usually I can't) If you can't . . . do what you have to.

Even if it's irrational. It's better to get it out there. To communicate, to say what you need to say to him. Until you do, you might not be able to sleep.


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## StandardLawyer (Dec 21, 2009)

Take a break from him by... taking a break from him. :crazy:

You just not talk to him for a period of time. You don't need to delete his facebook or his number off your phone, just don't talk to him.


It's sorta like a diet. Say youre on a diet and all you want to eat is green stuff. So, in order for that diet to work, you only eat the green stuff and anything else, you stay away from. You can look at it, touch it and smell it.

During that process, you forget about the past and everything behind it. Because if you think about the past and things, you begin to think about the negative stuff and it just buildsss up.

Go about your business and be Kaycee. The one who would donate $1million dollars to to an organization that provides education and low-income housing to the homeless!
Jesus Christ, i could never do that.


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## vel (May 17, 2010)

JoleneSummer said:


> He sounds like an unhealthy INFP to me.


That's what I was thinking. I had a similar relationship with an unbalanced INFP once back long ago. When hard times hit him he would go into his T-mode but do it very very clumsily and basically dump all his problems on us, his friends. He would suddenly start making rude remarks, not showing up when he said he would, not keeping his word, and basically just behaving in passive-aggressive ways. I am not exactly sure how to deal with this behavior - you just have to set boundaries or exclude him from your life and I think you are at this choice now. You can attempt to talk to him about it, may be he will recognize the pattern of how he dumps his problems on others and try to contain it. Sounds like this last time it really blew up like a keg of powder.


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## Jinxies (May 5, 2010)

kaycee said:


> I have an INFP friend who doesn't always treat me very nice.
> 
> We've known each other for about 10 months now, and he has been my confidant. I've shared a lot of my fears and insecurities with him, and I would say 75% of the time he's a great friend.
> 
> ...


 
Friends are people you care about and you accept and they accept you. If you enjoy each other's company and most of the time it's all good, then stay friends. But if you are really feeling uncomfortable and start getting irritated by each other, cut it off or go to a more casual friendship level. My best friend is very emotional and is always complaining about stuff. I can only take so much of her before I start getting annoyed by her, so we have our space from each other


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## GeneralAnders (Jun 17, 2010)

He's totally working you. I never understood how the guys that ignored and/or were a little rude to girls ended up be so pursued by them. Is there a natural reaction to just try harder when a boy plays hard to get? I was never able to play the jerk card, though. I don't think the future would be a healthy relationship anyway.


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## Blueguardian (Aug 22, 2009)

I am going to try to play devils advocate in this instance, as a one sided response isn't enough in a good way to approach problems of significant importance.

I think his reaction is quite a bit extreme from what I can tell.

This guy seems like he has something bothering him. Something he probably hasn't told you, that is eating away at him on the inside. When I have had this issue in the past, I got a bit on edge myself. He suggested to you that you should ask questions, perhaps he is looking for the right kind? I know when I am upset and people ask me questions, I will not answer them or just say "I'm fine, its nothing." While it may not be fair to you, he may need to be asked in just the right way? Or perhaps not asked at all. Address the situation via a story that you feel relates to the situation. (Not a lecture!)

*ahem* Certainly giving this friendship a break or cutting it all together would be the easiest way out, but if you want to have some sort of decent relations, both of you will have to come to grips at what is going on in these situations. 

If he is already pissed off at some unrelated issue in his life, and you make a negative remark about someone/thing that can apply to him... I could easily see him snapping. Perhaps you should think about the comment itself, as well as that 25% of the time that bothers you. Perhaps there is some topic(s) that is/are consistent with all of these things. 

Perhaps this guy simply likes you beyond a friendship level, and is pushing you away so he doesn't have to deal with one sided feelings? ...or is playing the jerk card as there is plenty of, "nice guys don't get the girl" crap online.

The comment that bothers me the most is... "When I IMd him, I asked if he was still annoyed with me, and he said that "I wasn't until you asked. bye.'" I can't understand why he would do this really in the presented circumstance.

I have only done this with my ex- girlfriend a few times. I was pissed at her and found her question to be an insult. Because, to me, it was obvious that I would still be upset after the massive betrayal she committed.

Over all I think, talking about it is the best option. I wouldn't let it go with a "sorry" on his... or I suppose your part. In this situation it seems more like that would only give a temporary reprieve before he does something stupid again. Find out the issue. See if there is anything you could do to help as well. Something that may appear to be completely harmless to you, could be extremely offensive to him.

All of this is just my personal take on what I read in the opening. I hope you take what I type with a pinch of salt, and make the decision you feel most comfortable with... weather its cutting it lose, play the waiting game, taking a break, or diving in head first. If you really like the guy... friend or otherwise, I wouldn't be so quick to give up, perhaps be a little bit more cautious as you take the next step. It may be a minefield in there.

Best of luck! roud:


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## kaycee (May 18, 2010)

Later that night after he said "I wasn't until you asked," I texted him and told him he was giving mixed messages after he told me to ask him about his mood and then got annoyed at me for it. He responded with "Ok," but later tried to IM me (I was asleep though) and then then next day got ahold of me and said "Sometimes I just need space and it has absolutely nothing to do with you." I honestly didn't want to ask him anymore questions because I'm so afraid of him getting annoying and doing the same thing again. My already fragile self-image just can't handle it. We've only had two conversations longer than 15 minutes since I posted this, and I think it might be for the best. I think cooling down the friendship might be a good idea until I can find self-worth and not be so sensitive to his emotional ups and downs.


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## Pyroscope (Apr 8, 2010)

As a recovering immature INFP I recognise some of these traits. Hopefully he will realise that he asks too much and will change his ways. When we're immature, I think we tend to hold grudges far longer and let a lot less go. You MIGHT be able to help him grow, but it would probably be an extremely painful experience (frequent inferior Te-lashing is pretty horrible). He probably did make a link between your snarky comment and himself through a warped path of thinking. Not your fault at all, he's just stuck in his feeling being so heavily projected inwards that it doesn't register others like it naturally would. Until he can relate it better, he'll probably deny how much pain he's causing even though he's aware of it on some level.


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## Labyrinth (Jun 28, 2010)

First of all I have to say, I am sorry that you are going through this, secondly I would suggest that you put yourself first, the way I look at it is that setting boundaries as difficult as it may seem to do (and yes it sounds like you have tried and had a little difficult time following up with it) is something that is necessary. How about looking at it this way: since you care so much for him it would be nice for you to help him learn something about relationships which would ultimately make him a "nicer" person over all so by not talking to him and setting and following with boundaries is a way of helping him achieve that... :happy: Just a thought :blushed:


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