# Is the NF "Soulmate" Another NF?



## Geoffrey

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Original Post:
-----"It seems all the NTs like me but NFs aren't feeling the same attraction - But NTs seem like brothers to me and I'm not into them. I know the 'Please Understand Me' book says NFs are rarely attracted to other NFs so I just wanted to ask on here and see how true that statement is."

Response:
-----Keirsey, in Chapter 7 of PUM2, describes what the different types look for in relationships--each quadrant has different needs: SJ - Helpmate; SP - Playmate; NF - Soulmate; and NT - Mindmate. Only someone from the same quadrant can best satisfy one's needs. Only an NF will prioritize a relationship the way another NF does; therefore the NF Soulmate is another NF. However, because we live in an ST-dominant society, NFs are very often taught to idolize S & T, and therefore look for these in mates--then end up in relationships where their needs are not being met. The more we accept our N & F superpowers in ourselves, the more we realize that NF-NF relationships are the only ones that have the possibility of meeting most of our NF-specific needs. Here is a related article that discusses the inferior function and its role in relationship selection: http://personalityjunkie.com/10/inf...ionships-compatibility-the-inferior-function/
-----There are numerous differences between mating types. I'll discuss NT and NF. Rationals want a mind mate, someone who can listen to their ideas intelligently and have ideas of their own to debate. Idealists want a soul mate, someone with whom they can share their deepest desires, dreams, and fears and who will share back. There are more differences than that. But think of it in terms of priority. NFs prioritize relationships above all else--above intellectual challenge (NT), above physical experience (SP), and above physical security (SJ). While we all want those things, the order in which we want them is the determining factor. An NF in a relationship with a non-NF is in a disempowered position. The other person is in the position of least investment, and therefore has the upper hand in the relationship. Such a relationship is inherently unhealthy. In an NF-NF relationship, both people essentially want the same things out of life (more so than any other NF combination). Further, NTs won't be happy with the lack of challenge they get from NFs. NFs want emotional intimacy--sharing of feelings and thoughts. NFs like to support each other. NTs want challenge and emotional distance--and will therefore be happier with other NTs.
-----I'm not suggesting NFs dump the non-NFs they are with. I am suggesting that cross-quadrant relationships have extra challenges and each person will have fewer needs met than if they did not cross quadrants. When push comes to shove (as it always will at some point), NTs will choose mind over heart--nothing wrong with it, as it is just them acting according to type. However, as an NF, I’d rather not be left without my heart.
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-----Consider checking out: http://clearreflectioncoaching.com/the-emotionally-dissociated-hero. Once an NF has accepted himself/herself as an NF--and learned to trust their intuition and feeling as a valid way of being, then the draw of the inferior function is overcome (see above), and one learns to look for their complement--instead of their shadow or their dynamic opposite. NFs commonly attract emotional vampires and _those who wish to be treated warmly for treating you coldly_. Here are a couple of other good resources on the topic of NF/NT relationships in particular: 1. http://aine-lifeisbeautiful.blogspot.com/2009/08/mating-game-rationals-and-idealists.html
and 2. http://personalitycafe.com/enfp-for...th-spiral-all-nfs-nts-encouraged-comment.html.
-----From "The Mating Game: Rationals and Idealists" (link is above): "[N]either is the wiser [about incompatibility] until the Idealist becomes confused by the Rational's focus on achievement, and the Rational feels uncomfortable with the Idealist's focus on connection. It is then that the two must recognize and accept that _their basic fuel for a relationship is different_, and that the other will never truly fulfill the concept of mate that each values. In other words, the Idealist is not a mindmate and the Rational is not a soulmate."


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## Elizindrhythm

This... explains a lot, actually. I find myself very attracted to NTs and am excited by their brilliance, but a 14 year marriage with one destroyed me. I think we were both soundly disappointed with each other - exactly that mindmate/soulmate connection that never materialized.

I have dated a couple of NTs since my divorce, and I've gotten cold feet and run off when I started feeling that lack of heart/soul level connection. And I've been beating myself up over my lack of courage. But now that you mention this, I realize that I have a deeper level of intimacy that has developed naturally with my two married INFP/INFJ friends than I ever did with my INTP ex. 

Very interesting. I really appreciate your posting of this.


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## Geoffrey

Elizindrhythm;bt30954 said:


> This... explains a lot, actually. I find myself very attracted to NTs and am excited by their brilliance, but a 14 year marriage with one destroyed me. I think we were both soundly disappointed with each other - exactly that mindmate/soulmate connection that never materialized.
> I have dated a couple of NTs since my divorce, and I've gotten cold feet and run off when I started feeling that lack of heart/soul level connection. And I've been beating myself up over my lack of courage. But now that you mention this, I realize that I have a deeper level of intimacy that has developed naturally with my two married INFP/INFJ friends than I ever did with my INTP ex.
> Very interesting. I really appreciate your posting of this.



-----I'm sorry that your previous marriage to an NT did so much damage. I hope you are on the road to healing. I understand the draw to T and the belief that it is brilliant. However, once an NF learns to think well of himself/herself (which is difficult because of the societal S & T worship) and to see that Feeling and iNtuition are equally or surpassingly brilliant (as well as beautiful), then an NF can truly value those things in another NF. It is often hard for NFs to accept the beauty within because they have been taught that S & T are beautiful. S is beautiful for Ss. T is beautiful for Ts. But for NFs, N is beautiful and F is beautiful--and NF is transcendentally beautiful. That is the beauty you have within yourself. I wish you all the best as you move forward.


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