# Picky about the opposite sex -but not in the way you're thinking



## Tom Soy Sauce (Jul 25, 2013)

So I figure a lot of NTs could probably relate here. I often find myself being somewhat picky when it comes to women, but not in regards to physical attractiveness. Frankly, appearance is probably the one of the lowest priorities for me, as long as they have at least one thing I find attractive about them. 

Nothing turns me off faster than someone who is shallow, boring, or can't hold hold a conversation to save their life. This confuses some of my friends, because the only girls I've ever dated/been interested in were all fairly intelligent, witty, quirky, but not always "stereotypically attractive." I've been informed on multiple occasions that I date below my league or that I could do much better, but I insist that categorizing people into "leagues" is restrictive by nature. My one friend has tried to set me up with a few girls that were fairly attractive but there was no spark whatsoever. I'm finding that the older I get the less I can "fake" pretending a person is interesting or compatible. I've turned down girls like this and they think I'm either really arrogant or something is wrong with me. Which frankly, may not be too far-fetched. 

Agree, disagree? Discuss!


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## StunnedFox (Dec 20, 2013)

Any assessment of a relationship's standard/"league" based solely on a subjective evaluation of the physical attractiveness of the partner is going to be shallow and meaningless, as is any insinuation that a relationship would be improved by substituting a more "attractive" person as the partner. It baffles me that any person could think external appearance the most relevant characteristic in selecting a partner.


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## ninjahitsawall (Feb 1, 2013)

Yeah, I would say I'm more "picky" than the average person. I don't really notice it until I'm in situations with friends or whoever pointing out how hot someone is and often, I kinda get bored with the conversation.


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## stayinggold (Sep 2, 2014)

As woman I understand how you feel, if anything I feel the same way about men. I've meet many good looking men and haven't been interested in any simply because I don't feel anything but an appreciation of their aesthetic appearance, no different than what I would feel looking at a beautiful woman (as a straight female). As a 20 year old my dating experience pretty much consist of pity dates and boring coffees with boring people. 

People call me cold I guess, or weird which I take as a compliment. I tend to get lumped with my extremely good looking friend's romantic rejects. I don't think there is anything wrong with us, we are both attracted to certain personality types and traits and I see that as a good thing. Appearance really isn't that important when I come to think about it and it certainly isn't the most important characteristic of a future partner.


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## Agelastos (Jun 1, 2014)

Yup. I have very high (probably unrealistically high) standards. 
Which probably explains why I am single...


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## I_am_the_NiTe (Nov 29, 2013)

I have pretty high standards as well, in both the physical and psychological realm.

Might sound pretty cold, but at the end of the day phenotype says a lot about genotype, and I want to give my heirs the best possible chance to succeed in the world. It is, like it or not, a very superficial one. 

So while chemistry / connecting is more important to me, a certain baseline physicality needs to be met in order for any type of serious consideration to begin.


And that's why _I_ am single


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## dawilliams (May 15, 2012)

I find this to be the case the other way around too. I would come across awesome, funny, smart GOOD guys with whom conversation would be stimulating and pleasurable and yet they would think themselves inadequate to the suavity smirking asshole across the room (around whom the bimbos congregated). They wouldn't believe me when I told them that the guy joggled my ire more than my knees. What's up with that?

I'd prefer a good man with a receding hairline than a Charlie Sheen any day, but especially a good man with an intelligent mind.

I think it's largely the N-mind connection. Keirsey thought that up to 80% of the population prefers S over N, which means that Ns tend to be the odd ducks, especially before college (which usually offers slightly more Ns). Male or female, Ns are the least likely to be


Tom Soy Sauce said:


> shallow, boring, or can't hold hold a conversation to save their life


Your friends who are surprised by your preference are probably S. I've seen it happen frequently; SP and NTs are often friends, but with antipodal taste in romantic partners.)


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## myexplodingcat (Feb 6, 2011)

I'm probably going to stand out by saying this, but when I look for potential romantic material, I look for a guy who's respectful and shares my religion first. If there's nothing going on in his head and/or he can't carry on an interesting conversation, he's out. If he's one of those who "can't date a girl smarter than he is," he's out. If he's an Axe abuser or doesn't seem to know how often he should shower, he's out. If all his self-esteem is wrapped up in his machismo and the size of his "tool belt"... ew.

If he's cute, bonus points. Not obligatory, though.

If, at this point, I find out he: has something he really values and loves working on; likes to learn and asks lots of questions; likes to solve problems by himself; likes to create things; likes animals... stuff like that will have me glued.

Yes, even if he does some of those things in ways that are kind of bizarre. I was madly in love with this Christian (probably INFP) artist guy whose specialty was extremely detailed drawings of bugs. Lots of cockroaches, some praying mantis, some spiders. He kept a few as pets. Some of his "buggy" friends could tell the species of the roaches he drew from his drawings. He didn't mind silence and was often content just to sit around me and read or draw. The kind of guy who pays attention when you talk to him, no matter who you are. He left for college a year before I did and I still really miss him.


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## nix1 (Jun 25, 2014)

Definitely.
Honestly, I'm not interested in 99% of the guys I meet. And well, I don't think is a coincidence that my country is basically like a ESxP heaven. It's hard to find here someone that _really_ gets my attention.


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## zeelf (Aug 7, 2014)

Tom Soy Sauce said:


> I often find myself being somewhat picky when it comes to women, but not in regards to physical attractiveness. Frankly, appearance is probably the one of the lowest priorities for me, as long as they have at least one thing I find attractive about them.
> 
> Nothing turns me off faster than someone who is shallow, boring, or can't hold hold a conversation to save their life.


Totally relating to this. And then you get to that point when you meet a man who's deeply philosophical and abstract-thinking, who you can talk to for hours about complex existential dilemmas, Ne-style, who gets your need for personal space, who knows how to be supportive without smothering or judging you, who hates strict plans, who thinks that "parties are stupid and boring", who, bonus! looks dashing and has a great sense of style and surprise! He's decades older and living in another country and oh, by the way, famous and surrounded by way better socially adjusted women. Sigh. Talk about high standards.


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## ninjahitsawall (Feb 1, 2013)

zeelf said:


> Totally relating to this. And then you get to that point when you meet a man who's deeply philosophical and abstract-thinking, who you can talk to for hours about complex existential dilemmas, Ne-style, who gets your need for personal space, who knows how to be supportive without smothering or judging you, who hates strict plans, who thinks that "parties are stupid and boring", who, bonus! looks dashing and has a great sense of style and surprise! He's decades older and living in another country and oh, by the way, famous and surrounded by way better socially adjusted women. Sigh. Talk about high standards.


I have more feelings for famous people than ones I meet IRL too. lol. 

I laugh but it's kinda sad  There are famous people with interesting minds, I find, in larger proportions than the general population. And people think celebrity is shallow...


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## zeelf (Aug 7, 2014)

ninjahitsawall said:


> I have more feelings for famous people than ones I meet IRL too. lol.


But I met him! Like, not just met, but had conversations, ate together, queued at public toilets together, exchanged e-mails & co. Aaargh. I never had a celebrity crush, I mean I can get excited about someone's mental universe but for me being attracted and having feelings always has to involve their physical presence.

*That auckward moment when you like someone IRL and go to Wikipedia to find out their age*



ninjahitsawall said:


> I laugh but it's kinda sad  There are famous people with interesting minds, I find, in larger proportions than the general population. And people think celebrity is shallow...


It depends on the kind of celebrity we're talking about...


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## ninjahitsawall (Feb 1, 2013)

zeelf said:


> But I met him! Like, not just met, but had conversations, ate together, queued at public toilets together, exchanged e-mails & co. Aaargh. I never had a celebrity crush, I mean I can get excited about someone's mental universe but for me being attracted and having feelings always has to involve their physical presence.
> 
> *That auckward moment when you like someone IRL and go to Wikipedia to find out their age*


Yeah, I was mostly commenting on the last bit. Like, their being famous is the limitation rather than.. something else. 



> It depends on the kind of celebrity we're talking about...


That is true. I'm quite picky with celebrities as well. I'm just basing it on who's left IRL post-filtering vs who's left of famous people.  ha


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## lightbox (Mar 5, 2014)

Yes. I seem to develop a crush every time (though not often for obvious reasons) I meet a person who I find both intelligent and interesting. Appearance and gender are far less important. I have a somewhat good relationship with my husband, but I'm incredibly bored with him. We can't discuss most things I find interesting, and all he wants from a relationship is sharing his everyday life with another person plus a lot of physical and a little of emotional intimacy. I just want more mental intimacy and independence. He's quite good-looking, but I don't find him attractive any more because he is so uninteresting :sad:


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## crumbs (Dec 17, 2013)

Tom Soy Sauce said:


> So I figure a lot of NTs could probably relate here. I often find myself being somewhat picky when it comes to women, but not in regards to physical attractiveness. Frankly, appearance is probably the one of the lowest priorities for me, as long as they have at least one thing I find attractive about them.
> 
> Nothing turns me off faster than someone who is shallow, boring, or can't hold hold a conversation to save their life. This confuses some of my friends, because the only girls I've ever dated/been interested in were all fairly intelligent, witty, quirky, but not always "stereotypically attractive." I've been informed on multiple occasions that I date below my league or that I could do much better, but I insist that categorizing people into "leagues" is restrictive by nature. My one friend has tried to set me up with a few girls that were fairly attractive but there was no spark whatsoever. I'm finding that the older I get the less I can "fake" pretending a person is interesting or compatible. I've turned down girls like this and they think I'm either really arrogant or something is wrong with me. Which frankly, may not be too far-fetched.
> 
> Agree, disagree? Discuss!


Agree. I feel like brains>looks should be a given for anyone with a functional mind, but people really surprise me sometimes. Physical attraction is important, but secondary to personality. If you're an idiot, I can completely forget that you're hot. I've met some really good looking guys with the personality of a brick who I could not wait to get out of conversations with, and some average looking guys who, while not what I'd typically consider attractive, had incredible personalities that made them infinitely sexier and actually supported/highlighted their physical appearance. People's appearances aren't static; one year you can look hot and the next year you can look like a raisin. I'd rather look like a raisin with someone who I can connect with.


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## zeelf (Aug 7, 2014)

Oh :sad: sorry to hear.



lightbox said:


> I just want more mental intimacy and independence.


Thank you for giving a name to what I'm also looking for.


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## VinnieBob (Mar 24, 2014)

Tom Soy Sauce said:


> So I figure a lot of NTs could probably relate here. I often find myself being somewhat picky when it comes to women, but not in regards to physical attractiveness. Frankly, appearance is probably the one of the lowest priorities for me, as long as they have at least one thing I find attractive about them.
> 
> Nothing turns me off faster than someone who is shallow, boring, or can't hold hold a conversation to save their life. This confuses some of my friends, because the only girls I've ever dated/been interested in were all fairly intelligent, witty, quirky, but not always "stereotypically attractive." I've been informed on multiple occasions that I date below my league or that I could do much better, but I insist that categorizing people into "leagues" is restrictive by nature. My one friend has tried to set me up with a few girls that were fairly attractive but there was no spark whatsoever. I'm finding that the older I get the less I can "fake" pretending a person is interesting or compatible. I've turned down girls like this and they think I'm either really arrogant or something is wrong with me. Which frankly, may not be too far-fetched.
> 
> Agree, disagree? Discuss!


before I quit the dating scene I was the same way, my ideal woman only exists in literary novels [anything by hesse or Sartre mostly]and quite honestly I don't get the ''constant hypocritical changing emotions thing'' if only they could control their mood swings and have some self control. as you get older it gets worse, dating was fun until I was 35 [17 years ago] then it went down hill fast


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## zeelf (Aug 7, 2014)

crumbs said:


> Physical attraction is important, but secondary to personality. If you're an idiot, I can completely forget that you're hot.


Ooooh, totally. But add awesome sex to the looks and I can be a heartless bitch and force myself to stay in the relationship for a couple of months, much to my brain's despair. Not sure I could pull it off anymore though, but that's all I did in the field of romance when I was 19-20. My last relationship was mediocre intellectual connection + mediocre sex, and I still thought it was better than that.



vinniebob said:


> as you get older it gets worse, dating was fun until I was 35 [17 years ago] then it went down hill fast


You're scaring me, kind sir. I'm 23 and it's already boring.


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## FePa (Feb 13, 2014)

Just take care of:
1. Judge a book by its cover.
2. Don't let the smart, quick witty, wonderful brain in an unattractive display feeling er.. unattractive


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## Elistra (Apr 6, 2013)

Tom Soy Sauce said:


> So I figure a lot of NTs could probably relate here. I often find myself being somewhat picky when it comes to women, but not in regards to physical attractiveness. Frankly, appearance is probably the one of the lowest priorities for me, as long as they have at least one thing I find attractive about them.
> 
> Nothing turns me off faster than someone who is shallow, boring, or can't hold hold a conversation to save their life. This confuses some of my friends, because the only girls I've ever dated/been interested in were all fairly intelligent, witty, quirky, but not always "stereotypically attractive." I've been informed on multiple occasions that I date below my league or that I could do much better, but I insist that categorizing people into "leagues" is restrictive by nature. My one friend has tried to set me up with a few girls that were fairly attractive but there was no spark whatsoever. I'm finding that the older I get the less I can "fake" pretending a person is interesting or compatible. I've turned down girls like this and they think I'm either really arrogant or something is wrong with me. Which frankly, may not be too far-fetched.
> 
> Agree, disagree? Discuss!


You have a right to base your dating standards on whatever attributes you wish, and if they can't deal with that, that's their problem.


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