# Help on getting teen daughter to lose weight



## bluekitdon (Dec 19, 2012)

Hoping the forum can help give a few suggestions on an issue that has been going on for a long time. My 15 year old daughter is seriously overweight and it has started causing health issues (she's right at 300lbs and just diagnosed with a bulging disc). She is actually my step daughter which makes it a little more complicated, and this has been an issue ongoing for long before I came into the picture. I just haven't really felt like it was my place to intervene until this point.

We've been trying to motivate her to lose weight for a long time, and she's even said she wants to, yet continues to gain weight. Now she's in the mode that she doesn't seem to care, so I'm looking for another way to help her with this.

Here's our current strategy, just getting started on this.

1. Keep only healthy stuff in the house.
2. Downsize plates and bowls (we have large almost serving size ones currently)
3. Weigh in each week, iPhone taken away for a week if she does not lose weight

We are focusing on diet at the moment as the disc makes exercise problematic, she started doing a little exercise on her own and it caused her debilitating pain (leading to the bulging disc diagnosis). She doesn't really want our help, but is not getting that option this time, especially since she just ate a meal we had purchased for our family of 7 on her own last night. Thoughts? Anyone have stories on what worked for you or your kids? I'm hoping if we force her to head in the right direction long enough she'll be able to and want to take it from there.


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## Darkbloom (Aug 11, 2013)

I'd remove number 3.
How does she feel? What makes her stop caring and start binging? What motivates her at times when she actually does feel motivated? Does she sometimes eat out of boredom and is there a way you could help with that?
That's what matters.


Also, don't push some radical diets, in the beginning she should be eating less than she's used to, healthier than she used to, less sweets and other junk than she used to rather than tiny portions and absolutely no stuff she loves.


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## Red Panda (Aug 18, 2010)

She probably needs professional help at that point, because she is severely obese and it can be dangerous to lose too fast. She might also require psychological support (I'd say definitely). Taking away her iphone will probably make her hate this diet thing even more. She needs to understand what is going on, and honestly a professional is able to do that better than anyone. Doesn't matter if you try your best, she is a teenager and you are her parents and that might mean she wants to do the exact opposite of what you tell her.


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## bluekitdon (Dec 19, 2012)

Amaranthine said:


> I'd remove number 3.
> How does she feel? What makes her stop caring and start binging? What motivates her at times when she actually does feel motivated? Does she sometimes eat out of boredom and is there a way you could help with that?
> That's what matters.
> 
> Also, don't push some radical diets, in the beginning she should be eating less than she's used to, healthier than she used to, less sweets and other junk than she used to rather than tiny portions and absolutely no stuff she loves.


Both my wife and I have tried to get to the root of these issues, but have not had any success. She just doesn't want to talk about it. We've tried to gently encourage her, talk to her, provide her with all the resources including counseling (she won't really talk to them), nutritionist (won't follow the plan), gym (her idea, she went a couple times and then didn't want to go) and it just continues to get worse. 

The problem is we're at a point I feel like she needs to be accountable in some manner on the weight loss which is why I'm doing #3 . We're now in a situation that if she doesn't turn this around, she could end up in a wheelchair in her 20's, not to mention the thousands of dollars of medical bills that we're racking up. 

She doesn't seem to care at the moment, she seems to go on binges when she gets to that point. I don't intend to force radical diets, just need to somehow get her to eat less and move more. In the past she has said that she'd like to be able to do things other kids her age can do, even little stuff like not getting winded walking up stairs. She'll get motivated for very brief periods of time looking at it that way. She obviously does not have the discipline needed to make the change though, that's where I feel like as a parent we have to step in at this point and put in some more immediate consequences. Her phone is the only thing I can think of that she cares enough about to maybe make an effort for.

Interestingly enough she doesn't eat a lot of sweets or junk food. It's just stuff in large quantities, for example she got up last night and ate a huge bag of Broccoli Chicken Alfredo we had bought for a meal for the entire family, which was something like 4,000 calories. We've got a family of 7 people, so there is not really any way we can get around keeping plenty of food in the house. My wife wants to install locks on the cabinets and fridges, if we can't figure out another way to make a breakthrough then that's our next option. Seems extreme, but I feel like I'm about out of options.


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## bluekitdon (Dec 19, 2012)

Red Panda said:


> She probably needs professional help at that point, because she is severely obese and it can be dangerous to lose too fast. She might also require psychological support (I'd say definitely). Taking away her iphone will probably make her hate this diet thing even more. She needs to understand what is going on, and honestly a professional is able to do that better than anyone. Doesn't matter if you try your best, she is a teenager and you are her parents and that might mean she wants to do the exact opposite of what you tell her.


She's had professional help, didn't help.


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## Cataclysm (Mar 16, 2015)

Try telling her that she's being selfish. Because she is.


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## Cerridwen (Apr 11, 2015)

Have you tried exercising together as a family on a regular basis?


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## bluekitdon (Dec 19, 2012)

Cerridwen said:


> Have you tried exercising together as a family on a regular basis?


Yes, it never lasts long and she doesn't want to do that either and we get tired of forcing it. It's also really hard to do with everyone because we have so much going on with 5 kids it's hard to coordinate a group event like that on any sort of regular schedule. I'd like to make it into a game, but she has roughly zero interest in any physical activities. I do play with all the other kids, they're usually up for doing something, but she's out unless we force her into it, and then it's torture for everyone.


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## Darkbloom (Aug 11, 2013)

Cataclysm said:


> Try telling her that she's being selfish. Because she is.


Yeah, her family accusing her of selfishness when she's already feeling bad on so many levels, that's bound to help 
I don't know her personality but it'd just make me very, very angry.



Cerridwen said:


> Have you tried exercising together as a family on a regular basis?


I was just about to suggest something like that!
Whole family should exercise at least a bit and if there are some other overweight members now might be the right time to change that.
The thing is, exercise and eating smaller portions should become a natural lifestyle, and it's hard to see it as such when everyone around you is still the same and you are the only one that's suffering.


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## bluekitdon (Dec 19, 2012)

Amaranthine said:


> Yeah, her family accusing her of selfishness when she's already feeling bad on so many levels, that's bound to help
> I don't know her personality but it'd just make me very, very angry.
> 
> I was just about to suggest something like that!
> ...


My wife also struggles with what I'll call food addiction and is overweight. She does exercise though and has been making progress. The rest of us are in fairly good shape and stay relatively active. The smaller plates I'm hoping will help with choosing smaller portion sizes, saw a documentary recently about changing that which made me want to try it. 

Exercise...I'm hoping once we can get some of the weight off through diet changes she'll be interested in doing more of that with the family. Right now with the medical issues she's in a catch-22 situation, it hurts to exercise because of how heavy she is, and she is at risk of making the injury worse or permanent. The Dr gave her some specific stretching exercises and such so hopefully she'll do those at least.

I know the difference between how her and her step sisters can eat is hard. They are pretty active and have been in competitive cheer & gymnastics, so can eat a ton but not gain anything. They don't binge either though, that's usually when she has the biggest problems is she'll get up in the middle of the night when everyone else is asleep and binge eat.


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## Cerridwen (Apr 11, 2015)

I'm a binge/emotional/boredom/habit eater and what helped me lose weight was when I moved away from home and started university. I had to walk from my accommodation to the university campus almost everyday - 10 mins twice a day, plus to get to the shops it was a 20 min walk either way.

The weight dropped off me and exercising actually helped my eating habits.

It worked because I had no other way of getting about. In my mind I wasn't exercising, I was just getting from a to b. 

Now I'm back at home I'm driving again as everything is too far away to walk...so I've put all the weight back on. 

Perhaps something similar might work for your daughter?


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## Darkbloom (Aug 11, 2013)

@bluekitdon so she likes absolutely no physical activity?
Have you tried cycling? Roller skating?
That's really not that boring or difficult to do compared to gym for example. 
I also love hula hooping lol, it gets boring but it's a good exercise you can do while watching tv or being on phone.
I realize she might not be able to do it right now due to her condition but perhaps having some acceptable exercise ideas could motivate her to start losing weight?

As for food...
She should really avoid pasta and similar, perhaps locking the cabinets is a good idea if that's the only way to stop her.
There are foods you can eat ton of and not consume too many calories, chicken alfredo is not one of them


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## Gilly (Apr 22, 2012)

Okay. I'm sorry.
She's 15. She is a kid/was a kid when this started.

She is not to blame. The adults are. Now she has bad habits and you want her to shift.

Well, it's a hard road to plough and blaming her isn't going to help.

Do you have soda in your house? Junk food *you* intend to eat because *you* don't have a problem?

Maybe get rid of it? Take it away from her grasp, she's 15. She may get a hold of stuff outside the house, but she got the bad habits/ability to develop them from somewhere.

Blaming others is always easy.

Once you have weight it is almost impossible to lose *and* keep it off. Seriously, no joke.
Whatever else you see is lies/propaganda/luck/miracles/surgery.
*
Advice portion*;
The sport of choice for someone 300 pounds with a disc problem? The pool. Just moving in the pool.
Take her. Go in with her. Do not ever body shame her. It will make her want to hide more, not become active.

Find her a group of like minded kids, overweight that *want* to be healthier. A support system.
Even if it's on the internet. It will help her.

Remove sugar (mostly) from your house. If you're going to have cake or brownies, cut the sugar in a recipe by 3/4 and use 14 grain flour instead of white. Use extra eggs so the protein helps fill along with the grains.

Do not buy pre-made baked goods, you don't really know what's in it.

Sugar free is shit - better to retrain the taste buds to taste sweet again. 2 weeks with no sugar in your diet, everything will taste sickly sweet, you'll. use less.

Smaller dishes are a great idea - for you too.
Eat what you expect her to eat if you're serious about the change, you will all be healthier.
It's easy to talk and to blame. Commit to your child and *show* her the right path.

Some videos:


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## Darkbloom (Aug 11, 2013)

I was never overweight, but I lost some weight when I just started walking to places, similar to you @Cerridwen
Ok, it started with constantly getting kicked out of bus for not having a ticket, but I realized it's a good exercise and not that difficult so I completely stopped using public transport, and it made me like walking so even on days when I had nowhere to go I'd just take my earphones and go for a walk.


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## bluekitdon (Dec 19, 2012)

Amaranthine said:


> @_bluekitdon_ so she likes absolutely no physical activity?
> Have you tried cycling? Roller skating?
> That's really not that boring or difficult to do compared to gym for example.
> I also love hula hooping lol, it gets boring but it's a good exercise you can do while watching tv or being on phone.
> ...


Have tried roller skating & ice skating, she gets embarrassed because she has no balance and refuses to do it. Bike riding, had her doing that for a little bit but she isn't interested in that any longer. Tried family walks, she's not interested. Swimming - she likes going swimming outside, but doesn't like the gym because it just has lap pools so that's seasonal. Only thing she is remotely interested in is dance, which she does do some of at showchoir. I personally don't like the gym either, I like to play stuff like soccer and basketball or just go run.

You're probably right on the broccoli chicken alfredo. It was something I actually wanted this time and bought for the family meal. For 7 of us that would have been like 500-600 calories each which isn't bad, but when she finds stuff like that she tends to binge on it and then we have to figure out something else for everyone else. That's really part of the problem, we will have stuff like mac n cheese on hand for quick meals, she'll make herself a family sized box or two and eat it by herself.


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## Gilly (Apr 22, 2012)

If she's compared to her step sisters (comparing herself/hears others doing it - and you know this happens, it has to happen), This will make her hide her habits more, but she's obviously depressed.

Learning your metabolism is shit (actually super good - but bad for keeping weight off) and that you can't eat the way you see others eat is horrible. But honestly. It's the Sugar and portions what need to be cut down.

I *have* been massively overweight. I was raised in a house with no kitchen and all we were ever fed was fast food.
I am healthy now, and it was a nightmare getting where I am. I would lay in bed feeling trapped in my body, imagining just taking a knife and slicing the fat off.

But I always put a smile on my face around other people.

Having the people around you support you, give you tough love, and know they're doing it to themselves as well, is key.

I had to do it on my own and for myself, but she still has you. You see how her mother is. Be the strong person she needs.

Find her support for her journey, and for her mental health and depression too.

Please.


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## Red Panda (Aug 18, 2010)

bluekitdon said:


> She's had professional help, didn't help.


She needs psychological support, she sounds depressed and anxious, being 300 pounds is not a simple matter of liking food more, it's psychological. I'm a professional dietitian myself and people who have reached such weights and can't change it's because they have psychological problems first and foremost. I also have personal experience with being overweight due to habits + psychology and the psychologist helped me more than anything in losing weight, eventually.

The only exercises she should do are low-impact like walking, swimming or cycling (and preferably inside since it could be dangerous if she falls or something). It would also help her to add as much daily activity as possible, like participate in grocery shopping, house cleaning and things like that. 

Be encouraging and not condemning, show that you love her and care for her and don't show anger or frustration towards her. She is very young and her habits are mostly not her fault, so don't behave towards her she's all to blame. Accept your responsibility and work together towards bettering yourselves. Since you are a big family, it's important to change everyone's habits to be healthier and this will help her much more, because she won't be singled out.


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## bluekitdon (Dec 19, 2012)

Gilly said:


> Okay. I'm sorry.
> She's 15. She is a kid/was a kid when this started.
> 
> She is not to blame. The adults are. Now she has bad habits and you want her to shift. Well, it's a hard road to plough and blaming her isn't going to help.


No arguments here, she developed bad habits when she was very young. The struggle now is that she is not really interested in changing, but she needs to change. Maybe it came across that way, but I'm not saying that us as adults had no responsibility in where she is today.



> Do you have soda in your house? Junk food *you* intent to eat because *you* don't have a problem?
> Maybe get rid of it? Take it away from her grasp, she's 15. She may get a hold of stuff outside the house, but the got the bad habits/ability to develop them from somewhere.


We don't keep soda, junk food is minimal and not really what she binges on. Plan is to reduce that further though.



> Once you have weight it is almost impossible to lose *and* keep it off. Seriously, no joke. Whatever else you see is lies/propaganda/luck/miracles/surgery.


No joke, I've struggled to maintain a healthy weight myself.


> *
> Advice portion*;
> The sport of choice for someone 300 pounds with a disc problem? The pool. Just moving in the pool.
> Take her. Go in with her. Do not ever body shame her. It will make her want to hide more, not become active.
> ...


I eat fairly healthy and work to maintain a healthy weight. I'm a bit of a transplant into this situation, I came into her life about 5 years ago and she was already obese. Her mom is working on her own issues with weight as well, but is gaining on it. That is also part of why I haven't intervened a lot up to this point, it's hard enough developing a relationship with a step daughter that I didn't really want to add that on top of it. In retrospect I've probably been enabling the situation by not taking a more firm stance on things though.

Thanks for the videos.


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## Gilly (Apr 22, 2012)

@bluekitdon I'm sorry if I came off harsh, I understand that you're in a difficult situation. Weight is never an easy issue.
I also read some of the other posts by people who seem not to have struggled with obesity themselves, and also, she's being selfish? It's a road, I think, that if you've not personally been on it, can not fully understand.

Those were not posts by you, but I was still set on edge. I hope the videos help, hopefully your wife.


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## katemess (Oct 21, 2015)

3 is a bad idea. 

Instead, encourage exercise. Say that there will be no phones/TV/laptops etc. for 1-2 hours each day and in that time, go for a walk or just get out of the house and get moving a bit. Do this WITH her - don't just expect her to do it for/by herself. 

Don't punish her for not losing weight. If she is making a concerted effort to eat better and get a bit of exercise, the rest will fall into place eventually. It's a matter of changing habits and trying to get her to see that a change will be for the better; it's not about making her resent you/exercise/healthy food, which is what will happen if you enforce number 3.


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