# My Spouse Doesn't Support My Career Choice



## Northance (May 20, 2014)

My advice:

Take the job and show her that you _love it_. You've done your part, now stop asking for her approval and just do your thing. Don't try to convince her, let your happiness convince her. Seriously, my ex was in the army and I didn't like it, but when he came back from work with a smile on his face, my heart would just melt. I'm sure she wants you to do what'll make you happy. But don't make her feel like she's entitled to play a role in your decision.


----------



## Doll (Sep 6, 2012)

Promethea said:


> Since your spouse's fear in this is irrational, it makes more sense for her to be the one to compromise and try to learn to be cool with the job.


That's where my stance is. There are some people who think I'm being selfish though, which makes me sad. I mean... I understand why she's afraid, but at the end of the day it is my life and my career.



> The job market still stinks and its hard to find a decent one anyway, much less something in your field of interest. I think it would be a shame to miss out on that over a completely unfounded fear on someone else's part.
> 
> Gl in whatever you choose.


Thank you! I agree. This is something I would really enjoy. It just scares me when my SO implies that, in order to cope with having to worry all the time, she's going to "distance" herself from me. It makes me feel like I'm being forced to choose between my job and a close relationship with her. It's just... alskdjf. I'm the sort who goes with the flow when it comes to change. I don't stay in a job long, unless I have reason to. She loves stability. So she goes on HIGH STRESS whenever there's the slightest change in our environment. It can be frustrating when a little adventure is in order.



AriesLilith said:


> Give her time, she might have a hard time to process this and too much attempt to convince her to feel safe might backfire as it can feel too forceful or she might even think you are being too optimistic or even invalidating her feelings. The only way for her to feel safer is to see that you are doing well, rational talk does not always calm a worried heart.
> It might be hard for you to not have her support, but she already has to accept you pursuing your passion so just give her time to digest everything.


I think you're right. Whenever I try to talk rationally it doesn't seem to make a difference. When I try to explain the statistics involved, she thinks I'm talking down to her. I'm not; I just want her to understand that her huge fear is disproportionate to reality. You are right though... logic can never quell emotions, at least not for me, and I don't know why I would expect her to be different. I think she does just need time.



> Sometimes me and my husband had disagreements too, with me being the "adventurer" and him worrying and vice versa. Best to do is to avoid over arguing with each other - I show him that I understand how he feels, appeal him to understand my perspectives (he's an Si dom, an ISTJ so guess how hard it can be lol), and then leave him for a while 'till he digests the idea. Like when I've quit my previous job (of 3 years) to pursue better conditions, he used to think that I was too optimistic, but now he sees that it was a good decision (I'm a programmer so it's fairly easy to get another jobs, and programmers often changes jobs here in order to get better conditions).


YES, this is just it. I think she needs time to get used to the idea. I'm also humoring her and intend to go to the gym with her so I can "build my strength" or whatever. If I let her think she has some control over my safety, she might feel better about the possibility of danger. That's my thought anyway. It shows that I'm doing all I can to exercise precation.



StElmosDream said:


> Some only respond to cold hard facts and informed discussion from outsiders. In this case violence statistics, what the job entails more fully, the kinds of support you'll receive (other professionals, colleagues, modern stories etc) and more specifics of the kinds of training you will receive.


I think this is going to help once I get all trained up and meet people, ect. It's silly that we're already arguing about this since I haven't gotten the job yet, but my SO likes to worry about things that sometimes never happen. 



> Part of the battle with people during prolonged disagreements is 'The Four Horseman' that can manifest as criticism, contempt for ideas or choices expressed, defensiveness and stonewalling which can make any discussion 1 sided or likely to fail. Often the only things that can change or soften these rough edges is turn taking with an open mind, pauses to digest concerns or points raised and the ability for both sides to do their own research or consult an intermediary - to put it bluntly we can all shut out undesirable information turning off empathy over time if feeling judged or cornered.


That's a really interesting way to look at it. I definitely will try to exercise an open mind when it comes to her feelings; I'm mostly afraid that she can't see another point of view but her own. I don't want her to feel judged, though - I want her to feel as though she can talk to me about her fears and I'm not going to get angry or frustrated.



LostFavor said:


> Just a thought: If you do the job and come home from it without being harmed, she might start realizing that it's not going to hurt you. It sounds to me like she is just afraid of losing you / seeing you hurt, so she probably just needs some reassurance that you'll be fine.


This is definitely true. I think the longer I do it, the less she'll be paranoid about something happening to me. I think the initial change is what's going to be difficult. I would just hate to think that this change could fuck up our entire relationship.



> You never know, too - maybe you'll try it and it won't be what you were expecting. Either way, you get that undeniable experience that superimposes itself over pre-existing notions.


I've told her this! If I don't like the job, I can ALWAYS leave it. Of course, she's more practical and wants to know exactly where I'd go if this occurred, but I'm pretty confident I'll be able to find something.



> Case-in-point: As a kid, I was afraid of jumping off the diving board of our pool because the water was deep and it was scary to go in there - what sensations would I encounter? What if water rushed into my nose? What if I floundered and couldn't get above the water?
> 
> These were all "real" concerns, in a sense (water can rush into your nose when you go underwater, it is possibly to struggle with swimming). But ultimately, once I jumped in, they seemed inconsequential and silly - the reality I met was too instantaneous and fleeting to concern me once I met it and I wasn't bad at swimming then either, so handling the situation was easier than I thought it would be.


This is a good example.  I hope that she witnesses me handling situations appropriately and this might ease her trepidation.



> If I had known about such things, I probably could have found some statistics on diving accidents and drowning just to convince myself that my fears were justified. But the fact is, danger to the individual that is you and me gets exaggerated in our heads by statistics. I could say that cars are too dangerous because of the number of driving accidents that happen, but I have been in only one - a situation where someone went too far into the car in front of him (ours) while we were both mostly stopped - and the amount of accidents that my parents have been in could probably be counted on one hand, with most of them being minimal fender-bender type situations.
> 
> In short, I'm not saying discount danger, but there are plenty of things you can do in most situations to cut down on potential dangers, such as the simple act of looking both ways before you cross the street as a pedestrian. I imagine there are similar things you can do to cut down on danger as a Probation Officer and it might help both you and your spouse to draw some attention to these things.


VERY true. And this is part of what I said above: putting myself in strength training, endurance training, ect., to prepare for possible situations that put me in danger. The fact that my SO is a fitness freak helps, because she can assist me in working out and therefore feel as though she has the reigns (sort of). It puts her in charge of my well being, or at least gives the false impression that she is... but you know. She's the type that is fine if she has more control/understanding of a situation, and freaks out when she doesn't. The good thing is that she doesn't see this pattern and it gives me the chance to manipulate a little. 



Northance said:


> My advice:
> 
> Take the job and show her that you _love it_. You've done your part, now stop asking for her approval and just do your thing. Don't try to convince her, let your happiness convince her. Seriously, my ex was in the army and I didn't like it, but when he came back from work with a smile on his face, my heart would just melt. I'm sure she wants you to do what'll make you happy. But don't make her feel like she's entitled to play a role in your decision.


Thank you! This is good advice. One of her points was that she didn't want to feel forced to say or do things that weren't sincere, and I can understand that. I wouldn't want her to be fake for the sake of my happiness; that isn't fair either. I hope I can just convey my satisfaction through my actions - and I hope I DO like the job, because all this trouble would just suck otherwise.

...oh, and can I mention once more that I haven't gotten the call saying whether or not I have the job. This job is so much trouble and it isn't even MINE yet.


----------



## anarchitektur (Feb 11, 2011)

Doll said:


> It angers me that she's being selfish about her own feelings and not considering what I want. At the same time, I understand that she has her own feelings and I'm NOT trying to discount them. It's just... ugh... I really want to do this and she KNOWS that and it's frustrating that her actions and emotions are affecting me, but they just are.


I don't see what else she could have done, to be honest. She's made her position on the job known and so have you. She doesn't think it is a wise choice, and can't pretend that she does. It's possible we're different in this regard, but I'd rather have my disagreement out in the open than to have a partner lying about what they think or feel. In any event, she's not on board with the decision, but she doesn't have to be to support _you_. People have disagreements all the time; what's important is that she not tear you down over it.


----------



## Doll (Sep 6, 2012)

anarchitektur said:


> I don't see what else she could have done, to be honest. She's made her position on the job known and so have you. She doesn't think it is a wise choice, and can't pretend that she does. It's possible we're different in this regard, but I'd rather have my disagreement out in the open than to have a partner lying about what they think or feel. In any event, she's not on board with the decision, but she doesn't have to be to support _you_. People have disagreements all the time; what's important is that she not tear you down over it.


I think that's the problem. I do feel torn down, or as if I have to sacrifice one for the other. She implied that she has to distance herself from me if I take this job so she won't care as much "if something happens". It's one thing to make your opinion known on my work decision and another to back out of the relationship because of it.


----------



## anarchitektur (Feb 11, 2011)

Doll said:


> I think that's the problem. I do feel torn down, or as if I have to sacrifice one for the other. She implied that she has to distance herself from me if I take this job so she won't care as much "if something happens". It's one thing to make your opinion known on my work decision and another to back out of the relationship because of it.


FWIW, I'm an attorney and I deal with probation officers all the time. Their job seems more far more tedious than dangerous.


----------



## Doll (Sep 6, 2012)

anarchitektur said:


> FWIW, I'm an attorney and I deal with probation officers all the time. Their job seems more far more tedious than dangerous.


Yeah, it's a lot of report writing. I think that's the main reason why I'm even a strong candidate; I have an English degree.


----------



## Scrabbletray (Apr 27, 2014)

@Doll

Are you applying for a job as a misdemeanor probation officer or a felony probation officer? If it's misdemeanor then I wouldn't think there is even the slightest chance that you're at any sort of risk. Maybe a felony probation officer is at a little risk, but it's still not much. I've been in jail more than I'm proud to admit and I don't think I've ever heard someone expressing violent thoughts about their probation officer even though they do it all the time about the Judge, DA, or defense attorneys. Hell, I was on probation for two years and I never even met my probation officer, I just called in every month and spoke to them for like 2 minutes. Unless you are doing intensive probation of violent offenders than I would think the chances of being harmed in the line of duty are no more than a lot of other jobs that carry some risk like working in a factory or driving a truck etc. I'm not really sure how to help communicate that to your spouse though. The most you can ever really do is show them the statistics.

EDIT: Oh, and if you decide to be a probation officer please be one of the ones who actually shows some compassion and not one of the ones who just throws people into jail for any minor infraction just because they can.


----------



## Mochi (Apr 19, 2014)

Doll said:


> It's not "just a job" for me - it's something I've always wanted to do.


Then this job is a manifestation of your Self. It's part of your genuine, authentic "you-ness" that shouldn't be held back.

You are upset because your SO is not accepting this side of yourself. 

You have to move forward with it. The resentment that you will harbor towards the SO if you don't will be destructive for your relationship otherwise.

Your SO is probably worried for you. There is love and caring there. I'm sure this is causing your SO a significant amount of pain. It will be your SO's choice on whether or not they can tolerate being involved with someone "in the line of fire." When I was younger, I swore I couldn't stand being the wife of a policeman, fireman, etc, so I can see where your partner is coming from...

I sure hope this is resolved in a positive, constructive way! :kitteh: Logically, if the statistics show that fatality rates for probation officers are extremely low, your SO should be able to make peace with it.


----------



## Doll (Sep 6, 2012)

a1b2c3d4 said:


> @_Doll_
> 
> Are you applying for a job as a misdemeanor probation officer or a felony probation officer? If it's misdemeanor then I wouldn't think there is even the slightest chance that you're at any sort of risk. Maybe a felony probation officer is at a little risk, but it's still not much. I've been in jail more than I'm proud to admit and I don't think I've ever heard someone expressing violent thoughts about their probation officer even though they do it all the time about the Judge, DA, or defense attorneys. Hell, I was on probation for two years and I never even met my probation officer, I just called in every month and spoke to them for like 2 minutes. Unless you are doing intensive probation of violent offenders than I would think the chances of being harmed in the line of duty are no more than a lot of other jobs that carry some risk like working in a factory or driving a truck etc. I'm not really sure how to help communicate that to your spouse though. The most you can ever really do is show them the statistics.
> 
> EDIT: Oh, and if you decide to be a probation officer please be one of the ones who actually shows some compassion and not one of the ones who just throws people into jail for any minor infraction just because they can.


I'm pretty sure it's both, so I'd be monitoring offenders on felony probation and misdemeanor probation. I also have never heard of probation officers being the ones threatened - usually it's investigators, lawyers and judges, like you said. The ONLY time I would ever fear being a probation officer is if whoever I was monitoring knew I was about to recommend their probation be revoked or something. Even then, it's not like my address is public and I doubt they'd send me over to tell that person myself. So yeah, I think you're right about it not being as much of a danger as she's thinking. I just hope she'll come to realize that in time.

(Don't worry, I won't be. Everyone's a person regardless of their past.)



Mochi said:


> Then this job is a manifestation of your Self. It's part of your genuine, authentic "you-ness" that shouldn't be held back.


Exactly how I feel.



> You are upset because your SO is not accepting this side of yourself.
> 
> You have to move forward with it. The resentment that you will harbor towards the SO if you don't will be destructive for your relationship otherwise.


I agree. That's why this is so difficult. Both of us seem to be at a breaking point. She's going to resent me if I take it, because it worries her, and vice versa.



> Your SO is probably worried for you. There is love and caring there. I'm sure this is causing your SO a significant amount of pain. It will be your SO's choice on whether or not they can tolerate being involved with someone "in the line of fire." When I was younger, I swore I couldn't stand being the wife of a policeman, fireman, etc, so I can see where your partner is coming from...


I can too, it's just upsetting to think that she might leave me over it. It's really... really upsetting. I would have to accept the fact that I chose my dreams and career over her, which doesn't feel acceptable to me.



> I sure hope this is resolved in a positive, constructive way! :kitteh: Logically, if the statistics show that fatality rates for probation officers are extremely low, your SO should be able to make peace with it.


Thank you, I really do hope so! It doesn't help that Corrections in general produces macho people who want to be like "HELL YEAH THIS IS DANGEROUS!!!" when it's really not.


----------



## angelfish (Feb 17, 2011)

I think you should take the job if you are offered it (congratulations on having made it thus far!) and try to be patient with her. Through her eyes maybe you are taking something certain and wonderful (your relationship) and throwing it into danger, and she essentially cannot do anything about it. That must be stressful for her, to feel like she is at risk of losing both you and her life stability. If you do get the job, maybe you can have a current parole officer talk to her about the reality of the risk involved. In the meanwhile perhaps you can dig up some numbers on parole officer injuries and deaths on the job. I would assume it would be public record.

Maybe also you could consider making a compromise with her, like that if she will support you in taking the job, and performing it for 6 months, then at that point if she still feels it is too dangerous, you will seek a more behind-the-scenes position. By then reality should allay her fears.


----------



## petite libellule (Jul 4, 2012)

My apologies if it's been mentioned but what's her reasoning ?


----------



## Doll (Sep 6, 2012)

GUYS I have an update.

I received a conditional offer for the probation officer position, pending I pass a physical exam, drug test, and thorough background investigation. I'm wary when it comes to my physical exam because I've had health issues in the past, but I should know for sure if I have the job by Wednesday.


----------



## laura palmer (Feb 10, 2014)

I think she is being silly. This seems like a great job opportunity and I hope you get it.


----------



## Doll (Sep 6, 2012)

Zibziby said:


> I think she is being silly. This seems like a great job opportunity and I hope you get it.


Thank you! I'm so nervous at this point. I just wish I could know right now what's going to happen, you know? 

The whole process has just been so ridiculous. They wanted to know my address when I lived in NY five years ago for 2 months (I had to awkwardly contact my ex-girlfriend because I couldn't remember the address). They also wanted to know the address of where I stayed SIX YEARS AGO in Germany while I was doing a musical theater/opera program. 

So ridic. The extensive background check feels very invasive and makes me paranoid, even though I have nothing to hide.


----------



## Scrabbletray (Apr 27, 2014)

Damn, that's going farther back than the background check I needed to work at a nuclear plant, lol.

Good luck tho! Hopefully the wait is almost over.


----------



## Doll (Sep 6, 2012)

a1b2c3d4 said:


> Damn, that's going farther back than the background check I needed to work at a nuclear plant, lol.
> 
> Good luck tho! Hopefully the wait is almost over.


I hope so! I'm going absolutely crazy. I was supposed to know by today (obviously that didn't happen), so now I'm just hoping to have my answer by the end of the week.


----------



## ENTJudgement (Oct 6, 2013)

This seems like an easy question.

Whats more important to you, her or your career/job?

They can't both weigh exactly 50% 


Consider carefully, ask yourself critical questions like;


If you really want an s.o who is so unsupportive. 

and on the flip side

If your job is so important to you that you're willing to break a relationship for it.

You're the only one who can answer this dilemma since its your life and you're in control of it.


----------



## Doll (Sep 6, 2012)

Termus123 said:


> This seems like an easy question.
> 
> Whats more important to you, her or your career/job?
> 
> ...


Easy answer: she is. Hands down.

I just want to have my cake and eat it too.


----------

