# Personal reflections - a closing thread



## Kintsugi

Having several multiple "bad brain" days currently. Not able to focus on much at all, bah.

I will come back and write up a post about my typology experiences when I can, although there are many more things I need to prioritise right now....argh! Lol. I'm also unsure of how personal I should get as I don't have any desire to call anyone out in particular (or start any "beef"). I just thougt that it might be an interesting exercise to get my thoughts down on "paper". You never know it might be helpful for someone else, not that I'm expecting many people to read this (which is why I'm not going to bother with a dedicated thread or anything).

Anyway, I was doing a little bit of preliminary research about typology in general and I had NO IDEA that the roots of MBTI theory emerged from the Eugenics movement._ Yikes_. Although, come to think about it - that isn't really all that surprising tbh 

_(So yeah, note to future self ^^^)_


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## Kintsugi

*(Unrelated Rant Alert)*

I'm glad that I'm not currently in the UK. It's enough for me to walk down the street in Australia & see the Queen's head posted on the billboard....

The world has gone mad. It's official.

But it is also pissing me off how if you express anything other than grief or "respect" that you are made out to be some kind of heartless monster.

Screw that!

I didn't know the woman, her death really does not affect me much at all. I can feel sadness for her family and those that genuinely are grieving, sure. But the imposing of a "period of mourning" in the UK is making me feel all kinds of anger and rage. And don't get me started on how some parts of the media are trying to demonise the Irish & those from countries impacted by Britains colonial past....

I do not fucking care for "respectability politics".

Let people be!


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## Kintsugi

Also...

Was just reading a thread on Twitter discussing how the media treated Brittany Spears in the 00s, notably during her mental health crisis.

Holy crap, the misogyny. Absolutely disgusting.

And again, there are people "policing" others on their tone when they rightfully express anger about these things. I'm sorry but I have ZERO interest in how my reaction makes you feel uncomfortable.

My anger is sacred & righteous! Lol


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## Kintsugi

People are complex & reducing their characteristics into neat little boxes that gives some sense of control over a chaotic and scary universe isn't helpful.

_IMO, obvs._

Take me, for example. To some I might appear outspoken, angry and even disrespectful. It may be hard for them to consider that I spent the majority of my life positioning myself as the doormat; a disposable "object" that conveniently bends to the will of others, and takes on their dissociated shame and feelings of inferiority. 

Healing required that I learnt to _*take up space*_, unapologetically.

A turning point in my journey occurred not long after I become more vocal about advocating for myself. What I discovered was that this made quite a lot of people uncomfortable, to the point that they felt the need to attempt to not-so-subtly put me back in my "box". This was a real wake up call for me; when it grew increasingly more evident that my desire to no longer engage in acts of self abandonment would come at the cost of significant personal relationships in my life.

You could say that the "Cats out the bag" now. It is hard to imagine myself going back to how I used to be.


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## shameless

Kintsugi said:


> People are complex & reducing their characteristics into neat little boxes that gives some sense of control over a chaotic and scary universe isn't helpful.
> 
> _IMO, obvs._
> 
> Take me, for example. To some I might appear outspoken, angry and even disrespectful. It may be hard for them to consider that I spent the majority of my life positioning myself as the doormat; a disposable "object" that conveniently bends to the will of others, and takes on their dissociated shame and feelings of inferiority.
> 
> Healing required that I learnt to _*take up space*_, unapologetically.
> 
> A turning point in my journey occurred not long after I become more vocal about advocating for myself. What I discovered was that this made quite a lot of people uncomfortable, to the point that they felt the need to attempt to not-so-subtly put me back in my "box". This was a real wake up call for me; when it grew increasingly more evident that my desire to no longer engage in acts of self abandonment would come at the cost of significant personal relationships in my life.
> 
> You could say that the "Cats out the bag" now. It is hard to imagine myself going back to how I used to be.


Well I respect your letting your cat out of the bag.

I was just going to say I often place people into boxes/categories in a GROUP/COLLECTIVE sense. That said I judge individuals case by case. Point I can sound like a real asshole sometimes when I speak generally. Most of the time when I am speaking with individuals however they are just that to me, individuals.

The more and more society has gotten into divisions the last few years the more I categorize people by the group they are echoing. That again does not mean when I remove a human being from an affiliation I cannot see a more complex, deeper human

I am just speaking for myself though. I really will not pretend to know your experiences individually etc. I also support when people defend themselves etc or encourage diverse dialogue on topics that remind me to remember everyone is still human too at the end of the day. I know I have been slammed for plenty of cliches I live up to on a generic level. Most I let roll off my back, and a few I have snapped on people for. So I assure you I know what it feels like to be on the receiving of boxes. I just find categories useful to form a superficial briefing, certainly not to assume anything in depth of someone.

My two cents

Anyways I respect what you had to say


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## Kintsugi

0.M.I.A.0 said:


> Well I respect your letting your cat out of the bag.
> 
> I was just going to say I often place people into boxes/categories in a GROUP/COLLECTIVE sense. That said I judge individuals case by case. Point I can sound like a real asshole sometimes when I speak generally. Most of the time when I am speaking with individuals however they are just that to me, individuals.
> 
> The more and more society has gotten into divisions the last few years the more I categorize people by the group they are echoing. That again does not mean when I remove a human being from an affiliation I cannot see a more complex, deeper human
> 
> I am just speaking for myself though. I really will not pretend to know your experiences individually etc. I also support when people defend themselves etc or encourage diverse dialogue on topics that remind me to remember everyone is still human too at the end of the day. I know I have been slammed for plenty of cliches I live up to on a generic level. Most I let roll off my back, and a few I have snapped on people for. So I assure you I know what it feels like to be on the receiving of boxes. I just find categories useful to form a superficial briefing, certainly not to assume anything in depth of someone.
> 
> My two cents
> 
> Anyways I respect what you had to say


Yeah, I agree with what you're saying. It would probably be more accurate for me to say that I disagree with rigid boxes/categories when judging others, or at least when attempting to make assumptions about their inner life/workings. I understand that this kind of organization is an inherent function of the human mind (and subjective perception).

This is something that has bothered me throughout my life, but I came across a concept recently that I think illustrates why this is. In the Relational school of Psychoanalysis there is something known as "inter-subjectivity". This is also considered a developmental milestone for infants, but for whatever reason can be disrupted in childhood (usually due to trauma). 

"_*Intersubjectivity, a term originally coined by the philosopher Edmund Husserl (1859–1938), is most simply stated as the interchange of thoughts and feelings, both conscious and unconscious, between two persons or “subjects,” as facilitated by empathy."*_

For instance, in couples therapy one objective might be to try and increase intersubjectivity within the relationship. Without a healthy balance of this, what usually entails is a "power-struggle" with each party trying to dominate or control the narrative. In Psychoanalysis this is considered a type of (individual) narcissistic defense, whereas in an interpersonal dyamic it becomes a "relational system of subjugation". In order for such a relationship to survive there must be an unequal power dynamic, whereas one person is forced to take on the role of being the "object" of the other. In other words, they must give up their subjectivity in order to keep the peace.

This is an example of when boxes become so rigid that it becomes impossible to relate to or be respectful of the others humanity (their subjectivity). Instead you just end up interacting with a projection of your own creation. I think you can also see this dynamic play out culturally as well, specifically in the case of when the dominant cultural narrative tries to impose or even erase the narratives of minorities & marginalized ppl, etc.


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## shameless

Kintsugi said:


> Yeah, I agree with what you're saying. It would probably be more accurate for me to say that I disagree with rigid boxes/categories when judging others, or at least when attempting to make assumptions about their inner life/workings. I understand that this kind of organization is an inherent function of the human mind (and subjective perception).
> 
> This is something that has bothered me throughout my life, but I came across a concept recently that I think illustrates why this is. In the Relational school of Psychoanalysis there is something known as "inter-subjectivity". This is also considered a developmental milestone for infants, but for whatever reason can be disrupted in childhood (usually due to trauma).
> 
> "_*Intersubjectivity, a term originally coined by the philosopher Edmund Husserl (1859–1938), is most simply stated as the interchange of thoughts and feelings, both conscious and unconscious, between two persons or “subjects,” as facilitated by empathy."*_
> 
> For instance, in couples therapy one objective might be to try and increase intersubjectivity within the relationship. Without a healthy balance of this, what usually entails is a "power-struggle" with each party trying to dominate or control the narrative. In Psychoanalysis this is considered a type of (individual) narcissistic defense, whereas in an interpersonal dyamic it becomes a "relational system of subjugation". In order for such a relationship to survive there must be an unequal power dynamic, whereas one person is forced to take on the role of being the "object" of the other. In other words, they must give up their subjectivity in order to keep the peace.
> 
> This is an example of when boxes become so rigid that it becomes impossible to relate to or be respectful of the others humanity (their subjectivity). Instead you just end up interacting with a projection of your own creation. I think you can also see this dynamic play out culturally as well, specifically in the case of when the dominant cultural narrative tries to impose or even erase the narratives of minorities & marginalized ppl, etc.


I am guilty of this, for sure. I'd just like to say it is a defense mechanism because I do not usually like to reduce the individuals themselves that I am personally interacting with (in most cases, not all). Or for that matter lowering myself to usually punching individuals down. I usually will take the high road when punched down with people I am connected with in some form. I.e. not usually bothering to square off on a deeply personal level cutting down most connected individuals. I am far more likely to disconnect. Instead relying on finding the satire or comedy of groups as an outlet, probably. I.e. it is a way of blowing off steam for otherwise not usually punching down on the individuals I am personally connected with, even when they take shots against me or drain me. I find it easier to find the cliche. In general I do not really like invasive personal critiquing of individuals. I do not usually care to solicit personal opinion onto individuals, and I find I am prickly about others approaches with me. I have been better about poking people back more appropriately in my direct life. Because I do recognize what you are discussing about projection of own creation that can manifest. I have been particularly guilty of that in the last few years. I am not saying this is the most mature coping mechanism.

I think some of my compartmentalization though 

Anyways as for hot button issue within society now a days. I find myself very anxious and upset with almost all sides. From my view: liberals have representation, so do conservatives. I do not personally think moderates and or independents have representation right now. That does not mean however that I do not support rights for minorities, I do. I am not a fan of most social movements on either end right now. Hence the sarcastic inappropriate mocking sometimes.


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## Kintsugi

0.M.I.A.0 said:


> I am guilty of this, for sure. I'd just like to say it is a defense mechanism because I do not usually like to reduce the individuals themselves that I am personally interacting with (in most cases, not all). Or for that matter lowering myself to usually punching individuals down. I usually will take the high road when punched down with people I am connected with in some form. I.e. not usually bothering to square off on a deeply personal level cutting down most connected individuals. I am far more likely to disconnect. Instead relying on finding the satire or comedy of groups as an outlet, probably. I.e. it is a way of blowing off steam for otherwise not usually punching down on the individuals I am personally connected with, even when they take shots against me or drain me. I find it easier to find the cliche. In general I do not really like invasive personal critiquing of individuals. I do not usually care to solicit personal opinion onto individuals, and I find I am prickly about others approaches with me. I have been better about poking people back more appropriately in my direct life. Because I do recognize what you are discussing about projection of own creation that can manifest. I have been particularly guilty of that in the last few years. I am not saying this is the most mature coping mechanism.
> 
> I think some of my compartmentalization though came from Case Management.  I am the person that is supposed to read the persons card and refer them to therapist, rehab, or housing, or blah blah blah. Literally have to record about persons in 3rd person half the time, while finding the category often. Again sounds super detached and psycho typing it. But in person speaking with people 1:1 it is quite the opposite. It is about connecting, identifying, and problem solving. I definitely would not be qualified to be a therapist or psychologist myself.. Even if I can identify someone else needs the referral. I myself also need the referral (see I do not go easy on myself either, lol).
> 
> Anyways as for hot button issue within society now a days. I find myself very anxious and upset with almost all sides. From my view: liberals have representation, so do conservatives. I do not personally think moderates and or independents have representation right now. That does not mean however that I do not support rights for minorities, I do. I am not a fan of most social movements on either end right now. Hence the sarcastic inappropriate mocking sometimes.


As far as I am concerned, we are all human & prone to prematurely misjudging or labeling others. My entire life has been a slow process of unlearning and unconditioning myself, and part of that has involved acknowledging how shitty I have treated people in the past. I'm personally not a fan of shaming others as I believe that we all deserve the chance to grow from our mistakes and misdeeds. In that sense I am fairly "moderate" you could say.

That said, it is also true that as heal I find myself adopting what some might call more "radical" viewpoints. The issue I have with moderates and independents is that they often seem unsure of what their position is, for fear of appearing as though they are taking sides, or whatever. It's not that different to a similar phenomena I experienced within the spiritual & religious world, where a focus on transcending the "Self" led to what I can only describe as a kind of disengaged Nihilism that bypasses "messy" aspects of our shared humanity. Not to mention, that in many cases, a position of relative privilege makes it much easier to debate topics from an intellectual (or "rational") perspective, as opposed to somebody that is directly impacted by the content of what is being discussed (such as the civil rights of certain vulnerable groups). From what I can tell a large majority of "centrists" are only invested in maintaining the staus quo because they benefit from it. If you have nothing else to lose - or very few rights - of course you are going to try and advocate for reform or even revolution. When this group of disenfranchised people make up a significant percentage of the population you begin to reach a tipping point. Welcome to late stage Capitalism, I guess. Lol.

I want to also say that the process of deconstructing everything and figuring where I stand on things has been a vast and complex (ongoing) process. I am aware that my personal experiences strongly inform my views on certain topics. And for most of my life I saw myself as a kind of moderate/centrist, but the more my life unraveled in a series of misfortunate events; I came to realise with shocking clarity just how much injustice and oppression there is in the world. To offer one example, when I was (literally) locked up in a psychiatric ward after a mental health crisis, it was very obvious that as a white person I was treated significantly better than other patients, the majority of which were indigenous Australians. What I witnessed and experienced during that time will stay with me forever, and definitely altered my view of certain things.


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## Kintsugi




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## Kintsugi

Things are pretty heated & getting nasty in the UK right now, ugh.


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## shameless

Kintsugi said:


> As far as I am concerned, we are all human & prone to prematurely misjudging or labeling others. My entire life has been a slow process of unlearning and unconditioning myself, and part of that has involved acknowledging how shitty I have treated people in the past. I'm personally not a fan of shaming others as I believe that we all deserve the chance to grow from our mistakes and misdeeds. In that sense I am fairly "moderate" you could say.
> 
> That said, it is also true that as heal I find myself adopting what some might call more "radical" viewpoints. The issue I have with moderates and independents is that they often seem unsure of what their position is, for fear of appearing as though they are taking sides, or whatever. It's not that different to a similar phenomena I experienced within the spiritual & religious world, where a focus on transcending the "Self" led to what I can only describe as a kind of disengaged Nihilism that bypasses "messy" aspects of our shared humanity. Not to mention, that in many cases, a position of relative privilege makes it much easier to debate topics from an intellectual (or "rational") perspective, as opposed to somebody that is directly impacted by the content of what is being discussed (such as the civil rights of certain vulnerable groups). From what I can tell a large majority of "centrists" are only invested in maintaining the staus quo because they benefit from it. If you have nothing else to lose - or very few rights - of course you are going to try and advocate for reform or even revolution. When this group of disenfranchised people make up a significant percentage of the population you begin to reach a tipping point. Welcome to late stage Capitalism, I guess. Lol.
> 
> I want to also say that the process of deconstructing everything and figuring where I stand on things has been a vast and complex (ongoing) process. I am aware that my personal experiences strongly inform my views on certain topics. And for most of my life I saw myself as a kind of moderate/centrist, but the more my life unraveled in a series of misfortunate events; I came to realise with shocking clarity just how much injustice and oppression there is in the world. To offer one example, when I was (literally) locked up in a psychiatric ward after a mental health crisis, it was very obvious that as a white person I was treated significantly better than other patients, the majority of which were indigenous Australians. What I witnessed and experienced during that time will stay with me forever, and definitely altered my view of certain things.


I appreciated your response.

I notice a giant distinction between us may be Fe vs Fi.

I think what you view as empathy I do not inherently toward a group. I just wanted to say that what you view as empathy toward a group I may view closer to the definition of sympathy.

You tend to be more empathetic to groups (to my view/definition), and are drawing from experiences of the individuals. I appear to be less sympathetic to marginalizing groups, because I am drawing my conclusions more from viewing it as all the groups marginalize each other. I lead more with the hand one holds is the hand that holds it often down (the group), and that the individual in its independent state is what garners more of my sympathy.

To my interpretation you have more empathy for the individual, which then gives you more sympathy toward the group. I consider myself to have more sympathy toward the individual but more empathy toward the group (which is why I do not like the marginalizing). I believe the system is holding everyone down too.

It just sounds like we may both possibly care but have an entirely different attitude toward solution, communication, or how we process or vent that irritation. It sounds like you believe that taking sides is taking a stance. Which I think is fair. I view strongly identifying within the groups as the system being able to control people more by marginalizing everyone. I find this while being sold as inclusivity as actually more inherently discriminatory, NOT you personally the systematic thinking. So when I am finding the cynical delivery of categorizing everyone I drawing this from a level of deep disappointment in society and how everyone is already doing this themselves. I know sounds wonky. Let me point out George Carlin did this. He had a deep love for individuals, but could not stand society much. Many comedians actually generalize similar. No I am not a comedian I am not even usually funny. I was saying that the style of generalizing the groups marginalizing themselves does not have to inherently be with a premise of not caring. It could be the opposite actually.

Regardless of difference in opinions, perspectives, etc I appreciate your being able to have a very civil conversation about it, and discuss interpretations with me.

I swear I am not categorizing you individually speaking, I am generalizing with my interpretations.

I thought I should bring up a talking point referenced on interpretations for each of us to consider. As I am owning that my delivery is what it is. From my view as an STP I find that reference to psychological terms while using one demonstrative behavior to be a point worth making. I think it is good for me to hear that my delivery can potentially be perceived as narcissistic from a psychological profile. I need to stress you were not rude or mean. I am explaining right away my mind sees 'virtue signaling', or 'cherry picking' buzzwords to write someone off with virtue signaling. Again I do not think you were in anyway rude. I am saying that is perceived by me from STP perspective to be a defense mechanism also within itself, and I perceive that method as possibly just as dismissive as my own. Again I think both of us were speaking from polite civil discourse. I was just pointing out that both core delivery or methods could be considered 'toxic'.

As far as the personal story you shared. That resonated with me. I would just caution to assume that a center person has not possibly faced adversity and pulled themselves out. And that just because they may seem unsympathetic to the group does not mean they are not to individuals themselves. Sometimes callousness is grown from adversity externally. Again does not mean at the core there is not a kinder intention to individuals. Or that callousness, or resentment toward systems and categorizing people for where they marginalize themselves is coming from a place of lack of exposure or even lack of empathy. Just that the delivery toward a group lacks empathy. I view the system as exploitative, and taking advantage of the marginalized. I believe you view it as helping. So I think we both do care. We both have entirely different perceptions though on it. I know I have seen quite alot with my own experiences drawing from them, which is why I hate the system so much. Yes I use categorizing people as way to understand. Which can be both asshole like, as well as effective. I assure you though my centrist or moderate views are certainly not held because I am so lucky, or fortunate, to not have issues of my own within the system and adversity. I care a great deal about individualized support systems and outreach.

I am way more about empowering individuals to not need the group or system. I hope that is fair. Frankly I think both methods are necessary as society is made of different people with different needs. Either way I think you seem like a well thought compassionate person who believes what you believe because you care. I hope that possibly you maybe yield and consider that possibly both perspectives have some validity, and that the inherent asshole generalizing does not have to be reduced to 'unempathetic', or 'unexposed luxury'.

I grew up moving ALOT, my exposures were realizing that groups existed very young and that from moving sooo much that I did not fit in with anyone. Not quite in the way you are sorta hinting at with those who have been tortured by society. I may have not been the most bullied. But I assure you I have always had to shield myself by inherently misfitting just because I was never anywhere long enough to have any core roots so I definitely did not have time to connect with others.

I have also taken alotta time recently with reflection recently on trying to find some balance with views within IRL. I speak way more like an asshole on here when I speak now due to how groups of people have tag teamed or attacked me, and created echo chambers. So point how someone could be more callous or rude in a certain setting to offend others sensibilities may not be intended for some of the people off the cuff remarks could make. That does not necessarily make that delivery appropriate always. But again it is a defense mechanism, to offend the sensibilities of those who went out of their way to offend me when I was initially far kinder. When I realized I was not someone who fit within the group, I accepted that and started to call people out universally the same way some personally attacked me. I usually use this place to get the emotional vomit outta me, so I can be a decent person else where. I do not use this place to elevate myself. In no way do I think you do. I was just offering some background on content of delivery and places people behave certain ways and why. Not everything is always black and white. Individually I usually get along with people well I connect with 1:1.

Anyways if I disturbed your thread or you I do apologize it was not the intention. I genuinely appreciated how you worded things and thought I would chime in being the asshole from the other side of thought. But you can totally tell me to buzz off and leave you alone too.


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## Kintsugi

@0.M.I.A.0 

I don't mind your contribution at all, it's mainly just me rambling to myself here anyway xD

I want to respond properly to your post, but I'm having troubing focusing today. It might take me a little while, or I might have to do it in seperate parts or something. I think you bring up some interesting points and I do find it helpful because it forces me to think and clarify my own points. I have a bit of a "complex" back story (lol) which is probably necessary for me to include parts of, as that might help further explain some of my views.

But, yeah. I don't have a problem with it at all 😄


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## Kintsugi

@0.M.I.A.0 

Omg, your comment about Fe v Fi has totally caused me to fall down another rabbit hole! It's been a long time since I looked into functions & stuff, but now I'm excited about it again, lol 😄


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## Kintsugi

oops


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## Kintsugi

I just ran into an old post I made about a decade a go.

Omg, I was so frickin' adorable. Bless


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## Kintsugi

Life suddenly got busy & hectic again. Not sure I'll ever get round to writing my thoughts down about everything, I may need to wait until I've moved & am more settled.

Dunno.

Anyways, I have privacy concerns and I'm not sure if posting stuff here is such a smart idea. Logging back in was certainly an exercise in.....something, LOL. I guess a part of me just needed to let loose for a while, and fair enough I guess. It was probably well deserved 😅


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## Kintsugi

OMMMGGGG!!!!

In the midst of the madness that is my life right now, I have been reading more about ADHD (it is one of my many current hyperfixations 😅). Apparently, unlike the neurotypical (NT) brain, the way our brains our wired means that we _*need *_and even _*thrive *_on intense emotional states. I guess this explains why part of the symptomology of ADHD is the tendency for emotional "meltdowns" and high reactivity in general (note how this is presented as being a negative thing, whereas in actuality it is an essential part of how we function. Written by those with NT wiring, no doubt!). To offer an example, ADHD'ers often perform excellently in situations & environments where there is high pressure or a pressing deadline (running on the emotions that this induces). In fact, studies show that medication prescribed to "mellow" and neutralize emotional reactivity can often produce adverse effects in those with ADHD. So this perhaps why that whenever I have tried antidepressant medication I turn into a seriously unmotivated zombie! Or that while meditation did help calm me down, it ultimately was not so great in helping me move forward in life and get things done.

I've heard ADHD described as an_ "interest-based nervous system", - _which again, also makes sense! So perhaps one way that I could try and work with motivation & attention issues would be to try and hack this; i.e. figure out ways how to make the most mundane tasks more interesting (to trigger my nervous system & brain into action) 🤔 And this isn't an excuse for being lazy or whatever; executive dysfunction is a real thing that impacts brain and overall function. I have just now bought a book that explains this more and I am SO excited to start reading!!!! ^_^

But I have to limit my time on PerC or any social media atm, because it's TOO DISTRACTING. In a month or so after I have moved and settled I can hopefully spend more time on what I originally set out to do here, LOL.

But I don't make any promises


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## Kintsugi

So....I just started reading my FIRST ever Stephen King novel (at least from what I can remember)

I always loved the idea of reading fiction, but for some reason it takes a lot for a story to hook me in enough for me to want to finish reading an entire book. Also, I just kinda struggle in general due to attention difficulties, but I'm happy to report that I am LOVING this journey so far

Love me some horror!!!


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## Kintsugi

I have to laugh at myself, and at this thread, LOL.

No idea where I'm heading with this. Although in a way I probably should have had my own thread on PerC years a go.....a place where I can just ramble and derail the conversation until my hearts content


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## Kintsugi

It's been over 70 years since the end of WW2. I reckon enough time has passed since then that most people don't really understand how Fascism works anymore...

I am currently trying to urge people to educate themselves on this as much as possible. The events leading up to, during and immediately after WW2 are literally _*the *_most studied & researched events in modern history. We have enough information to understand how this works.... there are enough books & sources out there for you to do your own research*. It is absolutely not alarmist at all to be concerned about what is happening in both the US and parts of Europe right now.

*_For reference, when the Third Reich fell (Nazis), the documentation detailing the rise of this movement became available to scholars. The amount of primary historical evidence that could be studied and analysed was unprecedented. And yet today, due to a culture war that is *by design* meant to divide & turn the masses against each other (also utilised by the Nazis); we are more concerned about "freedom speech" (to question these facts) than we are about books being banned in schools that document the horrors of the Holocaust! _ 😫


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## Kintsugi

In other news...

I look and feel like a fucking mess today, lol. I had some seriously intense crazy dreams last night.

I don't wanna do anything but stew in my feelings but I gotta get stuff done. Sometimes you just have to take a deep breath and accept that this is where you're at. Everybody has to start somewher I guess.

But first.....coffee, lol


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## Kintsugi

Just checked my calendar....

Pretty sure I am PMSing too

Wonderful! Lol


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## Kintsugi

I think I understand why I've been feeling a little crappy recently....

I'm still holding myself to a standard that is not realistic for me, at least not right now (where I'm currently at).

People say things like, _"comparison is the thief of joy"_ (etc), but I believe the problem is deeper than that, and is as much to do with being bombarded with constant external messages, than it is to do solely with the internalized stuff that has accumulated over the years. Of course, both are significant; it's just now I am starting to appreciate how reducing exposure to more negative environments has a much more positive influence on my overall mental health. Things like taking a break from reading the doom-and-gloom news daily for example, lol.

I think I need to revevulate where my time and attention is being spent, because I'm feeling kinda burnt out in all sorts of ways.


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## Kintsugi

Today was not very productive 😑


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## PersonaBelle

Kintsugi said:


> Yep! I'm British but have been living in Australia these past 7 years.
> 
> I literally left the UK the year before Brexit....so I realise I'll be returning to a very divided country. It's been quite something watching it all happen from the other side of the world.
> 
> I've decided to try out Scotland this time, but originally I'm from the South. I just don't fancy going back to England rn, plus Scotland is a little cheaper.


Cool  Living in Australia sounds nice weather wise, and I heard there's a better standard of living, than UK but everywhere is changing across the globe...And I'm in the South of England and yes lots of changes.


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## PersonaBelle

Kintsugi said:


> Because of my accent I get strangers striking up a conversation with me often. Usually something along the lines of, "you're not from around here, are you luv?" Etc. I don't mind, but sometimes I wish I could pull off an authentic Australian accent so that I could blend in more with the locals, lol
> 
> Also now the comments are increasingly along the lines of, "I bet you're happy you are here and not over there (the UK), right now!"
> 
> I just smile back politely and pay for my groceries while quietly sobbing inside 😭


I hope you feel better in Scotland.


----------



## Kintsugi

@PersonaBelle 

Yeah, I'd say the standard of living is better in Aus. They were barely impacted by the '08 financial crash in comparison to parts of Europe & the US, but after the pandemic (etc) the economy is not looking too hot here either.


----------



## Kintsugi

I do enjoy the Australian sun, but man, I miss the rain and dreary grey skies.

It's the Brit in me. I can't help it, lol


----------



## Kintsugi

I just had an Ad on YouTube that was a rather disheveled & angry looking Jordan Peterson ranting about how marriage is, "the bloody bedrock of society, man!"

I can't with this guy, lol. As a new divorcee it makes me cackle xD

This world is nuts


----------



## PersonaBelle

Kintsugi said:


> I just had an Ad on YouTube that was a rather disheveled & angry looking Jordan Peterson ranting about how marriage is, "the bloody bedrock of society, man!"
> 
> I can't with this guy, lol. As a new divorcee it makes me cackle xD
> 
> This world is nuts


Whenever I've listened to Jordan Peterson, I've found what he preaches to fall short of reality, as I see it.


----------



## FaeSoleil

People think society is way more complicated and fragile than it is. Good for making people panic, I guess.


----------



## Kintsugi

FaeSoleil said:


> People think society is way more complicated and fragile than it is. Good for making people panic, I guess.


Reminds me of something somebody once said .. 

"My life is delicately balanced - PLEASE don't make any sudden movements"

Change & death are a part of life. Seasons come, and seasons go....etc


----------



## Kintsugi

I'm so fucking bad at understanding numbers....

My god 😭

Anyway, I hit my deadline.....just. But I still have to make adjustments by tomorrow before it's all confirmed.

So that's something, I guess 😅


----------



## Kintsugi

Spotify recommended "Nu Metal Era"

It's nostalgic, lol. I'm enjoying it 😅


----------



## Kintsugi

That's it....I finally managed to make a huge decision about something that will impact my future (starting over after divorce). It was terrifying and I cried a lot, lol. But it's done...

So this is when things start to get serious. I have to put on my big girl pants & keep moving forward towards my goal. Which is kinda funny considering my avatar is a pic of me as a kid..... but maybe it serves as a reminder that I'm gonna make sure that little girl has someone to depend on from now on.

I got this 💪


----------



## Kintsugi

So.... I've been quite busy, etc

Plans for the future are really starting to take off now. In the past the thought of me doing all these things felt so overwhelmingly impossible, yet here I am. Still have a way to go yet, but I'm moving along at my own pace....which is something!

Recent therapy & exploration has also shed light on the possibility that I am both Adhd _and_ Autistic....which would actually explain a lot (such as why I'm not a stereotypical example of either). And yet again this discovery is quite significant and causing me to question pretty much every aspect of my life. Yay, lol.

Anyway, the important thing is I'm doing okay. Even if from the outside it might look kinda chaotic, haha.

Story of my life!


----------



## Kintsugi

Also, fuck Elon Musk.

What an insecure prick, lol


----------



## Kintsugi

I chipped one of my front teeth & everyone keeps commenting how cute/sexy it is that I've been putting off getting it fixed, lmao. 

It's also given me a slight lisp which is actually kinda attractive, if I'm honest xD

Yeah. Imma find a dentist this week. Cool ya tits.


----------



## Kintsugi

I got a lot done today. I'm PROUD 😎

I managed to negotiate something and it was a lot easier than I expected. They lowered the asking offer immediately and I was so taken aback/surprised I said out aloud "are you serious?!" Lol

Still have a lot more to do...but tonight imma relax, because I bloody deserve it xD


----------



## Kintsugi

There are lots of new blogs starting up.....I love it! I actually think it's a really cool way to navigate & use the forum.

I was initially inspired by the wonderful stream of consciousness of @Ms. Aligned , but totally feeling the shitposting vibe of @shameless too, lol

Fabulous! 😘


----------



## Kintsugi

I don't like having me in my profile pic, lol

I'll have to decide on a new avatar another time....

The next few days I need to concentrate & focus on some important things so I've decided to log out of PerC & other social media.....as it so easy for me to become hyperactive 😅

Anyway..... I'll be back!


----------



## Kintsugi

New discoveries about myself....

Since I've been consciously trying to "unmask" certain sensory issues have become even more apparent. It would appear that I rely on dissociation significantly in order to manage this, particularly within environments that could potentially overwhelm me. The problem is, is that I'm _a lot _more sensitive than I realised 😅 

I guess now comes the hard task of figuring out how I'm supposed to function and _exist _in the modern world without having to resort to blocking everything out.....


----------



## FaeSoleil

Dissociative issues aren't that uncommon among the autistic people I know, I presume for a reason... ^.^;

I guess the answer depends on what you want in the end, huh. Just be sure that you're doing it for your own sake, you know? Not because someone else thinks it's the right thing to do or healthier.


----------



## Electra

Do we adhd people ever finish anything? 😁😆


----------



## Electra

Kintsugi said:


> New discoveries about myself....
> 
> Since I've been consciously trying to "unmask" certain sensory issues have become even more apparent. It would appear that I rely on dissociation significantly in order to manage this, particularly within environments that could potentially overwhelm me. The problem is, is that I'm _a lot _more sensitive than I realised 😅
> 
> I guess now comes the hard task of figuring out how I'm supposed to function and _exist _in the modern world without having to resort to blocking everything out.....


It is sad because look how split the world has become because of people blocking and therefore existing in isolated ecochambers (for example some brainwashed tyranical politians!), but I guess that's what often happen when very different people with very different oppinions and values suddenly mix, they can risk to offend or hurt eachother (as well as benefit and learn from eachother!) I am also very sensitive to critisissm


----------



## Electra

@Kintsugi 🤗


----------



## Kintsugi

FaeSoleil said:


> Dissociative issues aren't that uncommon among the autistic people I know, I presume for a reason... ^.^;
> 
> I guess the answer depends on what you want in the end, huh. Just be sure that you're doing it for your own sake, you know? Not because someone else thinks it's the right thing to do or healthier.


Yeah, I've definitely been on a journey of learning the importance of doing what's right for *me.*

My whole life I've been defined by other people's perceptions and judgments about what is "wrong" with or how to "fix" me. Only now (at the age of 37) am I starting to let all of that go....


----------



## Kintsugi

My friend got me to take this online "autism quiz" the other day....










It's amazing to think that this was NEVER suspected by anyone.....

I guess that goes to show just how much I relied on masking & dissociation in order to survive and navigate the world.


----------



## Electra

Kintsugi said:


> My friend got me to take this online "autism quiz" the other day....
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> It's amazing to think that this was NEVER suspected by anyone.....
> 
> I guess that goes to show just how much I relied on masking & dissociation in order to survive and navigate the world.


Maybe it is a fake quiz that randomize results?


----------



## Kintsugi

Electra said:


> Maybe it is a fake quiz that randomize results?


It's considered one of the better screening quizes. I wouldn't rely on an online test anyway, but my therapist & psychiatrist both think that combined Adhd & Autism makes sense.


----------



## Electra

Kintsugi said:


> It's considered one of the better screening quizes. I wouldn't rely on an online test anyway, but my therapist & psychiatrist both think that combined Adhd & Autism makes sense.


A friend of mine and a neighbour has that combo too 🙂
I want to take the test too, soon
But my nails are long and I have to sleep now 😔
Take care Kintsugi !! 🤗


----------



## Electra

@Kintsugi 🤗


----------



## FaeSoleil

Electra said:


> Maybe it is a fake quiz that randomize results?


I've seen that quiz before (though with a different theme? Looks like the same test, different graphics), it's a real quiz. ^^;


----------



## Kintsugi

Deleted


----------



## Kintsugi

I'm going to take an extended break from PerC...

It's a busy time of the year & I'm preparing to move back to the UK in the new year. I'm afraid my Adhd brain won't allow me to focus on too many things at once....without causing chaos, lol


----------



## Dalien

Kintsugi said:


> I'm going to take an extended break from PerC...
> 
> It's a busy time of the year & I'm preparing to move back to the UK in the new year. I'm afraid my Adhd brain won't allow me to focus on too many things at once....without causing chaos, lol


See you when you get back. Have a safe journey. 🙂


----------



## JennyJukes

Kintsugi said:


> I'm going to take an extended break from PerC...
> 
> It's a busy time of the year & I'm preparing to move back to the UK in the new year. I'm afraid my Adhd brain won't allow me to focus on too many things at once....without causing chaos, lol


Good luck ❤


----------



## Kintsugi

Truthfully, I find it hard to interact on PerC. And that isn't because of the forum itself tbh, I'm just socially awkward and a little bit odd. I also have certain mental health issues that I fear may cause me to look a little like a serial killer at times, lol

I may or may not post. I don't really know. Not really sure what this place is to me yet, lol. It might just be my dark secret....


----------



## Dalien

Kintsugi said:


> Truthfully, I find it hard to interact on PerC. And that isn't because of the forum itself tbh, I'm just socially awkward and a little bit odd. I also have certain mental health issues that I fear may cause me to look a little like a serial killer at times, lol
> 
> I may or may not post. I don't really know. Not really sure what this place is to me yet, lol. It might just be my dark secret....


I’ll just say that I haven’t seen that of you here. Decision is yours. I still wish you a safe journey.


----------



## JennyJukes

Agree with Dalien. You don't come across as anything but sweet. I think you're in good company though as many of us are also oddballs, neurodivergent or with mental health issues, myself included. I hope you stick around if you think you'll enjoy it ❤


----------



## Kintsugi

So, I feel as though I may be getting a sense of what it is I might like to do once I'm settled in my new home. I won't talk about it yet, as it's still an idea very much in its infancy that I'm quietly nurturing. But I am beginning to feel a little more excited about the future!


----------



## Kintsugi

Maybe I'll blog a little about my thoughts & feelings watching the Netflix series "Love on the Spectrum"....

I'm still not sure how I feel about this show. It doesn't seem intentionally offensive, but there are certain aspects that make me quite uncomfortable. For example, I really dislike the playful & goofy background music that's used (usually when one of the individuals is doing something stereo-typically "autistic", or are engaging in a more awkward social interactions). It's actually very similar to the format they use on most reality TV shows, but in this context (for me personally), this doesn't feel right. Particularly because the whole show is filmed from the non-Autistic perspective (Allistic), that I can't help feeling like I'm at the Zoo watching the cute little animals play together for entertainment....

I'm not sure many people know this, but levels of complex trauma & PTSD within the Autistic community are extremely high; to the extent that many MH practitioners are only now realising that not enough research has been done to understand how these two things intersect. You are actually in the minority by quite a large margin if you are an Autistic adult that does _not _have the extra comorbidity of trauma (ptsd) & social anxiety. The most popular & widespread form of "behavioral therapy" for Autistic kids that has been used for decades, is now becoming recognized as an abusive practice that inflicts great harm on these children (and in the more extreme cases, as a form of torture). It has been compared to gay conversion therapy (forcing children to dissociate from themselves in order to appear "normal" by societies standards).

(I'll probably add more later)


----------



## FaeSoleil

Honestly, allistic people just seem permanently extremely high-strung wrt social norms relative to the autistic/otherwise neurodivergent people I know. I can't imagine how that comes naturally to anyone.

I think they're maybe a little jealous.


----------



## Kintsugi

FaeSoleil said:


> Honestly, allistic people just seem permanently extremely high-strung wrt social norms relative to the autistic/otherwise neurodivergent people I know. I can't imagine how that comes naturally to anyone.
> 
> I think they're maybe a little jealous.


I find it so confusing, lol. I also have this theory that some Autistic folk can actually read Allistics much better than the other way round. I think part of this comes from the fact that we have to work our ass off in order to fit in with "their" rules. I consider myself in this category, since I have been studying human social interaction since I was literally 5 years old. It has been a long-term special interest of mine.

I also believe that there is a large percentage of Autistic (and ND folk in general) that struggle with huge amounts of internalized ableism, that forces them to become SUPER critical of anything that looks "odd" or socially unacceptable. In fact, I think my Mother struggles with this (she most likely has undaignosed ADHD, but refuses to acknowledge it). For her, my neurodivergent traits were a painful reminder of parts of herself that she absolutely despised and fought hard to lock away.


----------



## Kintsugi

I think I'm still working through things. Watching this is probably bringing stuff up for me....making me a bit emotional, perhaps

One thing I'll say is that I adore the individuals (on the show). I see myself in them, but I also see my ex (also autistic), and all my other ND friends & family....

I just want to hug them all, lol!


----------



## Kintsugi

Omg, one of the guys that has just been introduced during the dates looks EXACTLY like my first serious boyfriend from when I was a teenager. it's freakin' me out xD

How I ended up dating him is pretty hilarious and actually kinda Autistic. He kept flirting with me and I had absolutely no idea what was happening (I was just happy that I had made a new friend). Anyway, he obviously thought I was into him too, and kept calling my family landline phone every night to speak to me. It got so annoying that I ended up begging my Mum to unhook the phone, lol. Then my best friend advised that I should probably answer his calls and explain that I didn't want him calling every night.

So...that's what I did. But of course, I didn't really know what was happening. He said that he'd stop calling if I agreed to go on a date with him, and I basically said yes because....well, duh. Then he'd stop calling, right?

Nope, lol. Fast-forward about a week later and I am now somehow this dudes girlfriend


----------



## Kintsugi

I've just started season 2 of the show....

It definitely got better. I was deeply touched by the established and blossoming relationships between some of the pairs (somewhat rare displays of genuine love & affection on a reality television show, imo).

Something that I observed is that when these folk are encouraged to follow & adapt to social scripts, they become increasingly nervous and anxious (you can literally see the look of fear and anguish on their faces at times). But when you allow them to just be themselves, they start to flourish and really come out of their shells. This is especially true when they are able to engage in conversations about topics that they are passionately interested in. It's so heartwarming to see when this happens 

But this sort of goes back to a point I made on another thread; that it might have been more helpful if they had brought in experts that have actual lived experience of being on spectrum (& having to adapt to a world primarily built for neurotypicals). And along with this, I have to say that I question how healthy it is to force _anyone _to adapt to certain social rules that now seem so archaic (and even pretty dysfunctional & harmful for all involved). I mean, isn't this part of the reason for all these "gender wars", and the breakdown of healthy communication?


----------



## Kintsugi

I've not been able to relate with many of the individuals on this show up until now, probably because I have surprisingly good social & communication skills. But this season there is a young woman who I feel presents in a very similar way to how do (I can't express how happy that makes me!  ) The way she describes her experiences of navigating the world is extremely relatable. I'm literally grinning like an idiot whenever she is on screen, haha.

I was hoping that there might be someone like this, because one thing a lot of people don't often realise is just how much variety there is in the way that Autism manifests (which is why it's a spectrum! 🌈 )


----------



## Kintsugi

So I FINALLY got some sleep, lol

I just woke up, had a shower. I will make a sandwich or something & then probably go back to bed. Feels like I might be getting sick or something now 😭

Anyway.....I wanted to record the crazy dream I had last night, omg....

I was a Junior Doctor at some hospital that began seeing an influx of patients displaying really weird symptoms. I was told to monitor their conditions closely in some kind of specialist quarantine unit....

As I was observing one woman who appeared to be in some kind of coma; her eyes suddenly shoot open, and her body bolts upright (into a sitting position). A nurse shouts, "Restrain her.....get back!" And then another doctor hands me something that looks like a fire extinguisher, and says to me in a dramatic voice (like we are in some kind of disaster movie or something)....

_"You got this, I believe in you!"_

(By this point I'm actually probably in a semi state of lucid dreaming, because I'm thinking...."what the actual fuck", lol.)

So I turn back to the patient, who now looks like she is about to expel some kind of demon from her body. I point the fire extinguisher at her, and let it rip....

And what do you know, it's basically a literal fire extinguisher.

But by now there is this giant worm-like creature rising out of her body, like some kind of demonic parasite. It jumps directly towards me, so I throw the damn extinguisher to the floor and start engaging in a full on physical fist fight with this horrific grub....

And then I woke up.

I really don't feel like I've slept at all, lol


----------



## Kintsugi

Back to "Love on the Spectrum"....

This season they introduced a young woman who is both Autistic and ADHD....

She is definitely the most like me, haha. That chaotic energy 😆


----------



## Kintsugi

What's interesting is I think I can vaguely make out possible variations in MBTI type within the Autistic folk on this show 🤔

I guess we are all made up of various parts & layers. It's a little like how neither my therapist or psychiatrist could really begin to assess my neurodivergence until my most severe trauma related symptoms were under control.


----------



## Kintsugi

This is reminding me of when I used to be a lil Revolutionary, lol. Maybe I still got a little bit of that in me 😁

A banging tune though!


----------



## Kintsugi

I had another dream last night about a certain person from my past.

The overall sense I get is that my subconscious is trying to reject their presence from my psyche. Of course that would not be possible. What happened, happened. Nothing is ever going to be able to fully erase that from existence. But perhaps what this is leading to, is an even deeper sense of letting all of that heavy stuff go.

I'm not sure that I'm fully there yet, but as each month passes, it feels as if those things are merely distant memories flickering in the background. And that these experiences no longer define or dictate my reality.


----------



## Kintsugi

RIGHT.....

Signing off social media (including PerC) for a while. So I can focus on my plans.

Have fun everyone 😉


----------



## Kintsugi

I've been gradually getting on with things.

Unfortunately, I have been kinda unwell. My neverending period did turn out to be uterine fibroids, and as a result I became extremely anemic. But I didn't take this seriously until I passed out in the street and cracked a few ribs 

Anyway, I'm getting back on track now.


----------



## Kintsugi

@Antiparticle

This is my blog. You free to run wild here :3


----------



## Kintsugi

Whatever  

Literally don't care, babe

it is what it is 🤷‍♀️


----------



## Kintsugi

Blah blah


----------



## Kintsugi

Blah blah


----------



## Kintsugi

I'm going to take an extended break from posting. I will log back in to answer DMs, etc.

I am not a fan of having my character smeared and made to feel like I'm some kind of aggressor. All I have done is try to be kind and compassionate, but apparently even this is capable of getting me entangled in drama. 

I'm done. I will not waste my time anymore, my limit has been reached. Enough is enough.


----------



## OrchidSugar

But this is my first day in your blog and you will take a break?


----------



## OrchidSugar

I think I may have missed something


----------



## Kintsugi

OrchidSugar said:


> I think I may have missed something


You really didn't, lol. Just forum drama, or something🤷‍♀️

But it's been enough for me to revaluate whether or not I want to continue posting here. And I think I might be finally done. I'm too old for this, lol

Sooo. I think I'm just gonna quietly leave through the backdoor.

It's been fun PerC, I've enjoyed our last dance 😁


----------



## OrchidSugar

Shhh... pay no attention to that man behind the curtain. It’s the Mercury Retrograde lol


----------



## Kintsugi

OrchidSugar said:


> Shhh... pay no attention to that man behind the curtain. It’s the Mercury Retrograde lol


Enjoy this rambling mess of a blog, I guess 

I've asked for my account to be retired, so I really am going this time.

When I came back to PerC, there was something I felt that I needed to prove to myself. I actually achieved that weeks, if not months a go now. So this does feel like a kind of closure for me.

I have zero interest in drama. That is not the reason why I came back to the forum. I also don't feel the need to continue trying to defend myself against baseless accusations. I'm not interested in playing anyones games.

But I am grateful for all the fun & meaningful interaction I have had here since I came back. There are lots of awesome people, and I have literally cried with laughter several times reading some of the threads & posts in this place, lol. Much banter.

Cheers to the good times 😘

_Edit: I have been informed that retiring my account is basically banning myself, lol. And the process of coming back (if I wanted to) sounds overly complicated. So I'm just gonna leave it like this for now._


----------



## OrchidSugar

What was it that you accomplished? And what time will they close down your account, lest I continue talking to myself in here lol. Anyway hope you enjoy your next journey!


----------



## Kintsugi

OrchidSugar said:


> What was it that you accomplished? And what time will they close down your account, lest I continue talking to myself in here lol. Anyway hope you enjoy your next journey!


Read the edit on my previous post. Apparently things have changed here since I last retired 😅

So my account won't be closed, but I'm definitely on my way. It's unlikely that I'll comeback, but stranger things have happened still, lol

Enjoy your PerC adventures! ^_^


----------



## OrchidSugar

😇


----------



## Kintsugi

OrchidSugar said:


> What was it that you accomplished? And what time will they close down your account, lest I continue talking to myself in here lol. Anyway hope you enjoy your next journey!


Ooh. I didn't answer this...

What I accomplished was being able to come back to a place that held a lot of painful memories for me (for various reasons). I started my blog originally as an exercise in closure & reflection for myself.

I was not, however, expecting to find myself enjoying interacting with others & posting so much, lol. But the "vibe" and culture at PerC has definitely evolved since I was last here regularly (years a go). It definitely feels like a much healthier place (despite me having got caught up in drama). People don't seem to take themselves or typology as seriously anymore, which I personally think is a good thing.

I'm also about to embark on a HUGE personal journey, which will no doubt leave me very little time to spend on forums or the like. So my departure is not a shock or anything, it was always going to happen eventually (and has just been sped up a little in light of recent events)

So, yeah. Closure, indeed


----------



## beth x

Oh, this seems sad to be true. One of the only people who actually like my posts is leaving. 

Safe journeying.


----------



## Kintsugi

I thought about this, and realised that I would at least like to express my side of the "drama" situation, before I leave. The reason for this is that the other person has a habit of ranting about others publically on this forum, and I'd at least like for others to know how I experienced things.

After a conversation on a blog thread, I was accused of posting something related to a private conversation. I was surprised by this, as I had literally witnessed this person discuss this openly on his blog thread only days before. I mentioned this (to which he seemed to disagree), and was asked to edit the post in question. I DM'ed several times, asking for clarification & also to express concern (that I had triggered some emotional reaction). I even sent a hug emoji with the words "no hard feelings". If anyone knows anything about my interactions with this individual, it is that I have always expressed care & concern after his emotional outbursts on his thread (and I now that I've been at the receiving end of it I can say that it isn't a very nice experience at all)

Still, he ignored my messages. I decided to edit the post anyway & thought that he might need some time to chill out. Hours later he comes back to the thread, ranting about something else again. He then continues the discussion I had initiated with him on his thread; but this time completely ignoring me, which I found to be incredibly passive aggressive. This was when I called him out publicly, as my patience had started to wear thin. I expressed that I no longer felt welcome on his thread & asked him why he was ignoring me (whilst continuing a conversation that I had been a part of). If he wanted "space" and for me to not engage, then he probably would have been better not deciding to behave in this way. In fact, the best course of action would have been to RESPOND to my DMs and directly ask me to stop talking with him (also to add, I had even suggested we drop the conversation as I noted it was perhaps bothering him in some way).

Eventually my frustration got the better of me & I did indeed call him "butt hurt", which in hindsight was not very productive. But by this point I was actually starting to feel like his behaviour was bordering on bullying, especially how he continued to rant about me in public, and when I try to engage so that I can defend myself he cries victim, accusing me of not leaving him alone. I was told that my actions were "malicious", wtf. I literally DELETED that post almost immediately. YOU were the one that carried this on after the fact. YOU are the one that (for some reason) likes to rant about this in public so that everyone can see. And now I'm honestly wondering if you do it as a way to garner sympathy, and I feel like an idiot for coming running to comfort you every time this has happened in the past.

Now that I've been at the recieving end of this I am seeing some serious red flags. I'll be very specific here; when your perception of a friend goes from "nicest person on the forum" to "malicious & untrustworthy" after one minor misunderstanding - you are displaying symptoms of "psychological splitting". It's a sign that you should probably consider getting some more help & support (which I have expressed multiple times in the past), instead of taking it out on others on a forum. I'm sorry, but I can have compassion and still maintain appropriate boundaries. This is where I draw the line.

So anyway, I decided to just leave his thread as I was feeling pretty exhausted and "over it" by then. I spend time having fun on another thread, when suddenly there's a notification (I was following them) to alert me to a new post on his thread. I probably should have just ignored it, but I decided to read in case it was an opportunity where we could make up & move on. Unfortunately this was not the case - it was another angry rant not so subtlety about me (again, very passive aggressive). This was the point that I snapped and any patience I had got thrown down the damn drain. I ended up having to get Mods involved because....well, what am I supposed to do? I'm not allowed to defend myself because I get accused of overstepping boundaries - and I'm supposed to just sit there and watch my character be trashed like that? By someone who I thought was my friend?

Hell, no 

And this was when I realised that I want nothing more to do with this individual. I had tried to be patient, understanding & compassionate with you. I attempted to communicate IN PRIVATE multiple times in order to clear the air, or at least get some kind of idea wtf is going on so that we can fix things. All to no avail.

I'm not the one who dragged this out, and I am certainly not guilty of either passive aggression or game playing. I was very direct & upfront from the get go.

So yeah. I understand more than your average person that ppl are carrying around a lot of trauma. I get that. But this is not an excuse for you to take that out on others, especially people that were only trying to be your friend & offer support.

If me making this post is breaking rules or whatever, then Mods can delete it or close the thread. It's not my intention to cause trouble here, but I do feel the need to get my voice heard. I'm having to do this because I'm not "allowed" to defend myself, apparently.

Anyhow, I'm just trying to let the anger go now & move on. I'm still leaving the forum, and it isn't because of what happened here. If anything it's more of a shove up the butt for me, as my attention & energy are desperately needed elsewhere, lol.


----------



## Kintsugi

And who says type 9 struggles with boundaries, lol


----------



## Kintsugi

I was reflecting more about things and I found myself getting upset & frustrated again....

I've been very open about being both Autistic & Adhd. I'm used to being misunderstood, but when it happens to cause a rift or break in friendships, it just serves as a reminder of how infuriating it is trying to navigate social situations when I'm processing everything so differently to everyone else. I'm sick of my words & actions being misinterpreted by NT folk. I'm exhausted by constantly having to defend myself because of constant accusations that are just not true.

My ex (also Autistic) told me that I'd probably be better off trying to socialize & communicate with other Neurodivergent people, as we tend to understand each other much better. I think part of me was rebelling against this, probably because I'm still trying to be "normal'. Like the desperate girl in highschool who wanted to be accepted by her peers.

Maybe wanting to unmask here on the forum was a naive ambition of mine. Perhaps it's not possible to truly be myself in a world that constantly seems to misunderstand you, and then demand that you blame yourself for being different (or disabled)

When I am asking people to be direct with me, it is less about overstepping their boundaries and more because I am struggling to understand. I NEED things to be made explicit as much ad possible. I cannot describe how truly anxiety provoking it is to be in the middle of public forum drama and have no idea wtf is going on. Yes, of course I am going to lash out. You would too if you could learn to appreciate and understand my situation.

Damnit, fuck this NT world


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## Kintsugi

Wow, this ranting thing is actually helping, lol....

I ended up calling my ex in tears. I relayed everything to her and asked her what I had done wrong. She laughed gently & said this was like the most stereotypical Autistic kind of drama imaginable. She told me that it wasn't my fault that people misunderstand me, and that I can learn new methods of managing how to "read" these situations better. Tomorrow I'm going over to her house & we are going to eat cake .... because why the fuck not.

I'm still pretty hurt & angry. For somebody who I thought was my friend to suddenly switch in that way was pretty unsettling for me. But it has made me think about the need for considering more carefully who I chose to get close to, especially when there is the potential for such misunderstanding. I need friends who are going to be able to be more patient with me, particularly in situations where I am struggling to understand what's going on.

I'm starting to feel a little better now. I'm still probably not going to post much, if at all. I think I'm actually going to look into joining some online spaces for Autistic & Neurodivergent folk. Perhaps this would be more suited for me.


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## Kintsugi

_.....The rambling intensifies....._

If I do continue to post on PerC, I may just stick to blogging about my experiences with CPTSD (& OSDD), Autism & Adhd. I think perhaps I was too keen to make friends & socialise, when really there is still so much for me to process & unpack emotionally. I can always practice "unmasked" socialising on Neurodivergent Discord server or something. I already have a small group of queer & ND friends that are little like a family for me.

It's hard starting over again, when you are disabled & estranged from family. I think I may have been particularly triggered yesterday by feeling ganged up on & misunderstood - a frequent experience I had growing up in my family (and in life in general). 

There is concept in the Queer community of "Queer Temporality" (or "Queer Time") , which is something I've been thinking a lot about today, and how it relates to me & my situation










Perhaps part of this "unmasking" process is for me to stop running away from these realities. I have to resist the urge to try and be "normal" in order to fit in. It never ends well, usually like this - with unnecessary drama & tears, lol

I still have a lot of grieving to do. I can feel it in my heart right now.


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## Kintsugi

Yup, lol


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## Kintsugi

I will just say this again - having trauma does NOT excuse shitty behaviour. Also, when "drama" seems to occur frequently on your thread, or that you have a tendency to attract "weirdos", you might want to consider what it is that _*you*_ might be doing to contribute to this. Some personal reflection & accountability might be helpful here.

Saying you are having a panic attack after you have been given space, left alone for several hours AND your request for the post to be edited happened almost immediately, is just not making sense to me I'm afraid. And here is some more advice; if that is indeed the case (which may very well be true) coming back and continuing to engage in the same discussion that triggered this, also seems counter productive. Again, at NO point was this communicated until AFTER I expressed my frustration at being ignored. There was never even a "thank you for deleting 
that post". Just complete silence.

This is what I mean about passive aggression & playing games. I may have disabilities but I am certainly not stupid. And as far as I am concerned, I did everything I was asked to do, and still got treated like that. And this is on top of you knowing that I'm Autistic. Yet you expect accommodations for your Cptsd while you can't even offer the same understanding to others (and a friend no doubt who ALSO has Cptsd)

I'm sorry, but that is just not acceptable to me.

Anyway, I'm going to stop ranting about this situation now. What's done is done.

_Edit: Also for anyone thinking I'm a hypocrite for posting about this in my own thread - I literally have been given no other choice on this matter. I am not at all comfortable doing this, yet I feel I have to because otherwise my character & motivations continue to be either trashed or misinterpreted in public. _


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## OrchidSugar

As I said, pay no attention to the Mercury Retrograde lol. But I can’t keep bidding you farewell miss. The birds were supposed to symbolize rising above. Onwards and upwards. Flying south to calmer shores or something. Anyway, glad to see you are sticking around for a little while. I like your commentary.


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## Kintsugi

Actually, this whole thing just reminded me of this....










So, I've decided to well and truly disengage from the "drama triangle" for now. I've unfollowed multiple threads & have used the ignore option for the first time ever on PerC.

So this will be the final post on this subject. I may come back and post more about other subjects that interest me, but for now I need a break (& to focus on other things)


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## Kintsugi

OrchidSugar said:


> As I said, pay no attention to the Mercury Retrograde lol. But I can’t keep bidding you farewell miss. The birds were supposed to symbolize rising above. Onwards and upwards. Flying south to calmer shores or something. Anyway, glad to see you are sticking around for a little while. I like your commentary.


Yeah, I definitely think rising above, onwards & upwards is necessary right now


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## Kintsugi

So....

Part of "closure" for me was about learning how to practice healthier boundaries (not just online, but in general). But as I've mentioned previously, PerC does seem a lot more chilled out these days than it was back then. I also think that culture in general has progressed significantly. People generally having a lot more understanding about trauma, is one example of this. And many seem to be consciously working on themselves (whether that be in therapy, or whatever). I actually think that despite all the craziness you see happening online, that as a society things are slowly getting healthier. So I do have some hope for the future, lol!

My time spent here after returning from a long break has overall been very enjoyable. Of course, I didn't manage to completely avoid drama (shit happens). However, I was able to maintain my own boundaries before things really got spicy, lol. And that would have been unfortunate because I genuinely don't think there was any real malicious intent from either side. It's just that people are messy, complex & full of baggage (myself included). As I talked about previously, walking away from relationships is not necessarily about hate. For me it has actually been about self preservation.


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## Kintsugi

I'm currently spending time at a friend's house (also Autistic). They have encouraged me to "unmask" around them, to see how it feels.

Oh my god, I LOVE not having to hold eye contact while talking to somebody. This is amazing, I feel so much more at ease & comfortable. Like I'm able to focus & concentrate much more easily too.

I'm not sure I am able to stim freely in front of ppl yet, especially since I look like this when I do that....










😅


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## Kintsugi

I don't think I can have a puppy or kitten for a while,

but maybe I can become best buddies with a rat 🥰


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## Kintsugi

Soooo cute


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## Kintsugi

Heads up for anyone who actually reads this (lol)

My activity on the forum is going to be inconsistent for a while. So I may not have time to reply to posts or messages consistently.

I may also just forget to (#Adhdthings) 😅


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## Kintsugi

My phone seems to be broken 😭 

But on the plus side, it is one less distraction.....


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## ENTJudgement

Kintsugi said:


> _(Cont....)_
> 
> Here is an example of how poor online boundaries impacted my life....
> 
> just over a decade a go I joined PerC. Back then, I was a confused & lost 20something, trying to figure out why it was that I struggled so much in my interpersonal relationships. An internet search had introduced me to the concept of typology, and I was convinced that this may hold the answers to some of my problems. Unfortunately for me, the issues I had been experiencing were actually due to a number of undiagnosed mental health conditions. It would take several years before I found competent mental health professionals that could help me figure these things out. Until then, I relied on the advice of internet armchair psychologists to help me try and untangle the fragmented mess of my mind & sense of identity.
> 
> And let me tell you, there are _*many *_people out there that gain an incredible ego boost from the power that comes from posing as somebody who has insight into the inner workings of others. It is no secret that this is a common phenomenon in many of the caring & professions also (Doctors, psychiatrists, etc). But at least these guys are bound by some kind of code of ethics that can lead to their suspension, if violated. On the internet, however, these kinds of boundaries do not exist . You are potentially revealing yourself to any old stranger, and this can be a dangerous thing (especially when you are vulnerable, whether that is due to mental illness or just having less maturity/life experience)
> 
> _(to be Cont....)
> 
> (I'm not doing this for dramatic effect, lol. It's just I'll forget what I had to say if I don't write stuff down as it pops into my head)_


I can see that you've been trying really hard to understand what it is u do which causes struggles in your interpersonal relationships, you tend to be quite adamant it's due to mental health issues such as Autism. If I take our interactions as any form of reference, were u masking or genuine? Coz I couldn't detect shit, the only thing I could detect was that you were an ENFP lol...

You got any solid/obvious examples of what you do thats repulsing people which is unrelated to your MBTI type and purely related to Autism?


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## Kintsugi

ENTJudgement said:


> I can see that you've been trying really hard to understand what it is u do which causes struggles in your interpersonal relationships, you tend to be quite adamant it's due to mental health issues such as Autism. If I take our interactions as any form of reference, were u masking or genuine? Coz I couldn't detect shit, the only thing I could detect was that you were an ENFP lol...
> 
> You got any solid/obvious examples of what you do thats repulsing people which is unrelated to your MBTI type and purely related to Autism?


When it comes to social interaction, I am usually always masking (to an extent). Although I wouldn't say this isn't genuine, it's just that the way I learnt to navigate social interaction is different to someone without Autism. For me, it has always felt like a kind of performance, something that I had to consciously learn because the (unspoken) rules were never that obvious to me. My Mother said that when I was a little kid I'd stand at the edge of the playground watching all the other kids play. It looked as though I were trying to work out what was going on (concentrating hard on all the interaction). After a while I would apparently just jump into the activity and adapt almost effortlessly. She said it was like I suddenly become another child altogether. 

Here is a comic that I think depicts Autistic/ND masking quite well...










You might think this makes me sound like a psychopath or something, lol. But I can assure you I have lots of empathy. I think me being ENFP means that Autism manifests very differently for me. I was only diagnosed in my 30s, so I went most of my life thinking I was just a little bit "odd".

I don't think I repulse people, I actually find it quite easy to make friends. The problems I encounter have to do with maintaining relationships, because I can only wear the "mask" for so long. People find it hard to understand how I have so many different "sides"; I have frequently been told that it feels as though I am holding others at arms length (and that they struggle to get to know me more intimately). The times I do upset or (unintentionally) cause conflict is usually due to me missing social cues, or when I am pointing out inconsistencies in behavior. In my experience, there are a lot of social games and dynamics that don't make a lot of sense to me, and when I call this out, I sometimes cause offense.


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## ENTJudgement

Kintsugi said:


> When it comes to social interaction, I am usually always masking (to an extent). Although I wouldn't say this isn't genuine, it's just that the way I learnt to navigate social interaction is different to someone without Autism. For me, it has always felt like a kind of performance, something that I had to consciously learn because the (unspoken) rules were never that obvious to me. My Mother said that when I was a little kid I'd stand at the edge of the playground watching all the other kids play. It looked as though I were trying to work out what was going on (concentrating hard on all the interaction). After a while I would apparently just jump into the activity and adapt almost effortlessly. She said it was like I suddenly become another child altogether.
> 
> Here is a comic that I think depicts Autistic/ND masking quite well...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> You might think this makes me sound like a psychopath or something, lol. But I can assure you I have lots of empathy. I think me being ENFP means that Autism manifests very differently for me. I was only diagnosed in my 30s, so I went most of my life thinking I was just a little bit "odd".
> 
> I don't think I repulse people, I actually find it quite easy to make friends. The problems I encounter have to do with maintaining relationships, because I can only wear the "mask" for so long. People find it hard to understand how I have so many different "sides"; I have frequently been told that it feels as though I am holding others at arms length (and that they struggle to get to know me more intimately). The times I do upset or (unintentionally) cause conflict is usually due to me missing social cues, or when I am pointing out inconsistencies in behavior. In my experience, there are a lot of social games and dynamics that don't make a lot of sense to me, and when I call this out, I sometimes cause offense.


I see, thanks for sharing


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## Kintsugi

@ENTJudgement 

Might be worth noting that I am ADHD & Autistic combined. This will manifest differently to just straight Austism. In a way it's a bit like I have two very different sides to my personality - one that looks like the stereotypical IxTJ, and the other an ExFP 😅 

I am actually very interested in how Autism manifest in different MBTI types. I think I am slowly connecting/synthesizing how these things might intersect. 

And it's also why I know I'm an Ne dominant, lol


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## ENTJudgement

Kintsugi said:


> @ENTJudgement
> 
> Might be worth noting that I am ADHD & Autistic combined. This will manifest differently to just straight Austism. In a way it's a bit like I have two very different sides to my personality - one that looks like the stereotypical IxTJ, and the other an ExFP 😅
> 
> I am actually very interested in how Autism manifest in different MBTI types. I think I am slowly connecting/synthesizing how these things might intersect.
> 
> And it's also why I know I'm an Ne dominant, lol


I have a lot of NTJ friends who aren't exactly autistic but some can't be fked with social queues or w/e and would rather everyone bend over to what they believe to be "right". The result is, we end up flocking together coz we share similar issues but it just so happens that we get along with each other. All this to say, no matter how outcasted you think you are, theres a place you probably belong.


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## Kintsugi

ENTJudgement said:


> I have a lot of NTJ friends who aren't exactly autistic but some can't be fked with social queues or w/e and would rather everyone bend over to what they believe to be "right". The result is, we end up flocking together coz we share similar issues but it just so happens that we get along with each other. All this to say, no matter how outcasted you think you are, theres a place you probably belong.


I actually feel very at ease around NTJs because of this. But I do see differences in Autistic vs non-Autistic xNTJs as well. It's subtle, but if you pay close enough attention you can see these patterns. Enneagram type will have an impact too, but I haven't yet managed to synthesize this with my understanding of MBTI yet. I still have a lot of reservations when it comes to the accuracy of Enneagram.

I also was in a relationship with an INTJ for over a decade. We were married and lived together. I reckon that I am more INTJ like as a result of this (and vice versa), lol


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## ENTJudgement

Kintsugi said:


> I actually feel very at ease around NTJs because of this. But I do see differences in Autistic vs non-Autistic xNTJs as well. It's subtle, but if you pay close enough attention you can see these patterns. Enneagram type will have an impact too, but I haven't yet managed to synthesize this with my understanding of MBTI yet. I still have a lot of reservations when it comes to the accuracy of Enneagram.
> 
> I also was in a relationship with an INTJ for over a decade. We were married and lived together. I reckon that I am more INTJ like as a result of this (and vice versa), lol


Just feels so relieving to be able to say w/e socially unacceptable shit with NTJ friends, as long as it makes sense and passes the Te check, we'll joke and mock everything society gives us shit for, kind of like a dumping ground lol.


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## Kintsugi

ENTJudgement said:


> Just feels so relieving to be able to say w/e socially unacceptable shit with NTJ friends, as long as it makes sense and passes the Te check, we'll joke and mock everything society gives us shit for, kind of like a dumping ground lol.


I rarely get offended by xNTJ banter, lol. Although xSTP humor can trigger me, haha. Idk, maybe it's because I'm Ti blind with weak Se. Sometimes it's just too much for my delicate xNFP sensibilities


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## ENTJudgement

Kintsugi said:


> I rarely get offended by xNTJ banter, lol. Although xSTP humor can trigger me, haha. Idk, maybe it's because I'm Ti blind with weak Se. Sometimes it's just too much for my delicate xNFP sensibilities


We have an INFP friend who got grouped in, we help him progress his life, getting ahead in his career, teaching him how to extract max value out of his blessed hand he was dealt etc… but poor dude probably had his Fi triggered a lot coz we weren’t holding back at all.

Ironic that the Te inferior from the INFPs can still work with us NTJs, just comes down to how much they wanna develop their Te and how much they’re willing to make room with their Fi.


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## Kintsugi

ENTJudgement said:


> We have an INFP friend who got grouped in, we help him progress his life, getting ahead in his career, teaching him how to extract max value out of his blessed hand he was dealt etc… but poor dude probably had his Fi triggered a lot coz we weren’t holding back at all.
> 
> Ironic that the Te inferior from the INFPs can still work with us NTJs, just comes down to how much they wanna develop their Te and how much they’re willing to make room with their Fi.


My INTJ ex's best friend is an ENFP. One is a software engineer and the other a lawyer. They love getting into debates around ethical scenarios in which the INTJ trolls (& occasionally triggers) the ENFP with their controversial "hot takes", lol. But at the end of the day, it's all just banter, lol

Yeah, Fi is so subjective. Like, there are some Fi types I can connect with so easily, and others that will brand me an immoral person, or hold grudges forever. I do think in general, INFPs are more forgiving than ISFPs though. Fi blocked with Se can be brutal, lol


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## Flabarac Brupip

@Kintsugi I just wanna say that I hope you don't leave PerC. But if you do, good luck.


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## Deezzee

Hello there. For some reason, I never noticed that there was a public blog section (I didn't look past Spam World) and I have not looked at this section of the forum. 

I just wanted to say that I looked through a few pages of your "ramblings" a while ago, and I found your sharing to be candid and interesting. I've not been formally diagnosed with adhd, but I have ptsd and other struggles that are never fully resolved.
I also find it remarkable that you have managed to sustain the thread for 4+ months, despite your adhd and it being named a "closing" thread. 😊


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## Kintsugi

Deezzee said:


> Hello there. For some reason, I never noticed that there was a public blog section (I didn't look past Spam World) and I have not looked at this section of the forum.
> 
> I just wanted to say that I looked through a few pages of your "ramblings" a while ago, and I found your sharing to be candid and interesting. I've not been formally diagnosed with adhd, but I have ptsd and other struggles that are never fully resolved.
> I also find it remarkable that you have managed to sustain the thread for 4+ months, despite your adhd and it being named a "closing" thread. 😊


The Adhd tendency to have trouble completing tasks that lose their novel appeal, hehe 😁

To be fair, I have enjoyed coming back and posting on PerC more than I had anticipated. So I'll probably just leave my blog around for more spontaneous rambling, lol. My activity on the forum will decrease significantly soon though, so not sure how often I'll be posting.

Anyway, thanks for your comment ☺


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## Kintsugi

I should probably stop getting drawn into typology discussions, lol. I'm not actually that invested in it, but it was once a much loved special interest of mine. 

Think I'm going to have another social media break. Catch up on my reading & other hobbies ☺


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