# socialising after divorce: being a third wheel?



## caffeine_buff (Feb 20, 2011)

hey. i've been struggling to come to grips with this ever since my divorce (about 3 years ago now). if someone can help, i'd be SO grateful.

ever since the divorce, each time i go out with more than one other person i feel really left out. i feel really isolated and lonely the more the number of people. it's like everyone is in these little intimate bubbles, and i feel like i'm barging in if i am around. it's bad enough with assorted company, but much more marked with couples. i feel very rejected, when logically they can't be implying rejection (e.g. they'd have been the ones to suggest we all hang out).

it's not that i feel lonely in general since the divorce: in fact with time, i'm increasingly happy that i'm not in a bad marriage and that my life has improved in so many ways. but i do crave one-to-one deep connections, and that's kind of harder to build with a couple than with a single person.

it's also small stupid stuff... i see a couple doing something like holding hands and it kind of knocks a little breath out of me. i don't miss my ex-husband, but that kind of gesture triggers some very unproductive, self-belittling reflection. then i go all silent and glum and (i should think) become tedious to be with. so far i've been offered shame or guilt over the divorce as a possible explanation, but this really doesn't hold water for me bec my marriage was pretty abusive.

i have no clue what the heck is going on with my head and i do feel a need to fix this because practically, the problem's only going to get worse with time: pretty much every one in my peer group is now married or planning to do so in the near future or lives with a friend/SO. so i have to be able to cope with this being the third person. can anyone shed light?


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## Ace Face (Nov 13, 2011)

Everyone wants to feel loved... there's nothing wrong with that. There have been times that I wish I had a partner, especially when I see cute old couples and things of the sort. I think that's quite normal, though. Also, being alone doesn't mean you have to be lonely. Find a single friend with a common interest. If you don't feel like hanging out with couples, you don't have to. I personally hate being the third wheel. It makes me feel weird and out of place. I get so super awkward as the third wheel. 

Story time! My sister is one of the most beautiful, brilliant people walking the planet. She's very insecure though. When she's not getting male attention, she doesn't know what to do with herself. Her insecurity stems, though, from an underlying codependency issue. Do you think you could possibly relate to this?


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## Jennywocky (Aug 7, 2009)

I'm still thinking about what useful feedback on what you "can do" to practically deal with this, but I did just want to say up front that there is nothing wrong going on with your head. What you describe seems to me to be a typical response of dealing with loss, of any sort... loss of a marriage/relationship, loss of a child, loss of a dream, loss of a career. All those "triggered feelings' you describe is just what happens.

I know what it is like, I was in a situation like that for so many years of my life where I often had trouble just being out in public because I'd find myself triggered by all these people living a life that I felt had been lost to me, and it would have exact same impact on me no matter how hard I tried. And I was being thoughtful and trying to get over it, but just couldn't; the end result was that I tried to accept my life the way it was and it helped the feelings to diminish, but they never went away and I could still easily have a very bad day. 

I also remember when my spouse and I separated, it was necessary but it was very very hard even if I knew it had to end. Seeing other people walking around happy, doing normal "couple things," was enough to severely depress me; holiday events (like parades and public celebrations) was hard because I'd see lots of happily together people just holding hands; and I always felt like the odd-person out. It was hard just coming home to a house where there was silence except for me; it was hard sleeping alone. And your situation with friends is a typical problem in the middle stages of life where many people pair off to raise kids and devote their time to their spouse/family; so those who few who remain single and/or get a divorce often find themselves adrift and feeling very alone.

So please please don't blame yourself for the struggle you are having; I believe it to be very very normal for your situation, and since your marriage was abusive, I am sure your current situation beats that abusive one hands-down. 

I think one thing to do is try to accept that the marriage had to end, so being alone is okay; and then if you don't have any romantic prospects in front of you, starting channeling your energy in other directions. Get involved in groups where being a couple doesn't matter (women's book clubs, philanthropies, musical ensembles, whatever); there are many such things out there to feel a part of and your marital status will not matter, and you will also have at least some contact. Finding people to talk to can help too. But I think it's a long-term adjustment to make, not a simple one. It's not like I still don't feel bad when I'm out and see people holding hands or a family out for a picnic, but it no longer disables me.


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## caffeine_buff (Feb 20, 2011)

@Jennywocky: thank you so much... your response was very understanding. i keep thinking this is a ridiculous amount of emotion to feel, that normal people move on and don't feel _disabled_ like this by emotion.



Jennywocky said:


> all these people living a life that I felt had been lost to me


this in a way. for me, i had always seen me living my life alone, and had pretty much had a paradigm shift in thinking when i decided to marry. now i find that somehow... i can't go a back to who i was before i met him. i can't just "shed" this mental skin and wear the old one again. that deeply bothers me. so now i feel lost and for the first time in my life, i can't see the future. i have no idea of where i am headed and what my life will be about - i'm simply practising surviving and continuing with my life. that feeling of being rudderless really gives me panic attacks: after pretty much blazing with fire inside, it's very disorienting to have suddenly shifted to this anaemic state of existence.

i think all that is in some way tied in to the social self-beating-up. something to do with being a fragmented self or not wholly the self which matches the mental perception, but still going against the tide and not having enough of an internal anchor or something and hence getting buffeted. sorry, i distance and theorise when i'm bothered. )


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## caffeine_buff (Feb 20, 2011)

Ace Face said:


> Do you think you could possibly relate to this?


not a-tall! i don't give a damn about validation and i'm pretty uncomfortable with being in the spotlight.


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## Jennywocky (Aug 7, 2009)

caffeine_buff said:


> thank you so much... your response was very understanding. i keep thinking this is a ridiculous amount of emotion to feel, that normal people move on and don't feel _disabled_ like this by emotion.


I think what I have learned about "normal" is that it's a state that everyone aspires to, but that at least at some point in everyone's lives, they don't feel normal at all and are just playing the game to look that way. I really just wanted you to know that it's okay to feel what you are feeling, because it's so easy to feel alienated if you perceive your situation asis so different from other people...




> this in a way. for me, i had always seen me living my life alone, and had pretty much had a paradigm shift in thinking when i decided to marry. now i find that somehow... i can't go a back to who i was before i met him. i can't just "shed" this mental skin and wear the old one again. that deeply bothers me.


It was kind of ironic for too. While I had spent my teenage years wanting to find some sort of "love" and connection with an SO, when I finally got married I had a lot of isolating behaviors from my childhood and wanted much of the time to be left alone to pursue my own things (writing, art, music, whatever). But the marriage over time changed me, especially with the addition of children, I grew used to someone being around and there always being noise in the house and someone to talk to. Even though I was depressed a lot for other reasons, I guess I opened up and integrated my life into the lives of my spouse and kids; when we separated, I was stunned at how, during the marriage, I had enjoyed being alone, but now I hated hated hated it because I had gradually changed over the years. It's nice only now in that that I know if I remarry, and since I'm no longer depressed, I'm going to be with my spouse and enjoy it in ways I could not the first time.

But you're right. we change and become someone else to some degree, and we can't turn back the clock. We become who we become.




> so now i feel lost and for the first time in my life, i can't see the future. i have no idea of where i am headed and what my life will be about - i'm simply practising surviving and continuing with my life. that feeling of being rudderless really gives me panic attacks: after pretty much blazing with fire inside, it's very disorienting to have suddenly shifted to this anaemic state of existence.


After glancing at your type (and listening to what you've said), I suspect it's even harder for a J, to feel that motivation and certainty and now wonder what you want and need and what comes next. I deal all right, with my P flexibility, but I still have trouble myself in wondering whether I'll ever find someone again; I've had to steel myself with thoughts of "what if I never do?" and prepare a plan for my life and look for opportunities where I can still be happy even if I am never again in a relationship.



> i think all that is in some way tied in to the social self-beating-up. something to do with being a fragmented self or not wholly the self which matches the mental perception, but still going against the tide and not having enough of an internal anchor or something and hence getting buffeted. sorry, i distance and theorise when i'm bothered. )


No worries. *hugs* I do that too. I used to do it exclusively; now I let myself feel and live in the emotion more, so I can work through it.

What do you mean by the fragmented self / not wholly the self that matches mental perception? Just in regards to what you need -- thinking you are more independent than you are turning out being?


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## caffeine_buff (Feb 20, 2011)

Jennywocky, you are an amazingly understanding person!  



Jennywocky said:


> What do you mean by the fragmented self / not wholly the self that matches mental perception? Just in regards to what you need -- thinking you are more independent than you are turning out being?


well... fragmented in the sense that sometimes there are pieces in the present that just don't fit with the mental self-concept. for example... i never thought i had trouble with camouflage, with blending into the background. now more and more i end up standing out in the crowd: that's very unnerving. at work i go each day actually resolving to shut up and not express anything very characteristic, but somehow i end up getting a comment, a strange look and a wondering "my god... you're so weird" from someone or the other! 

or i never thought i could hide emotion, but i've been a stonewall as far as some people i love are concerned, to protect them - i couldn't let them see me broken.

little slivers like that. it's not a radical mismatch - but it's these little things that make us act in certain ways that we would have sworn is not quite us. i know part of the healing is self acceptance and therefore knowledge of the new self. 

but the thought that... being almost 30 years old, i can suddenly be spun into not knowing the fundamentals.... scary. as. hell. the doubt and confusion spill over into everything else and reality becomes suspect, because that of all things is a fragile collaborative illusion.

yes i need a Plan, i need Certainty! however much i philosophise about a zen state of existence, Plans and Knowing What I Want to Do are what give me that warm fuzzy milk-and-cookies comfort 

</stream of consciousness babbling?>

(also... apologies: we've been having absolutely wonky power supply suddenly, so i couldn't respond earlier!)


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## 2Blue (Jun 18, 2014)

Hi caffeine-buff, I realize it's been 2+ since you started this thread, but i just wanted to thank you for all you wrote (and everyone else for your replies.) I've been divorced for 3 years now and can relate to all you wrote. I could have written every single word myself. I still have SO much undigested loss and unresolved grief that it overwhelms me. I've tried to move on in so many ways, but am still feeling so very lost and adrift. I didn't choose to end my marriage and given the choice, I'd still be married to my ex, who just didn't want to be married anymore, at least not to me. So the losses are doubly painful and compounded by a ton of shame, longing & grief. I'm on Cymbalta and have been in therapy off and on, have moved twice (both big interstate moves) since my marriage broke up. My business, finances and other things have also suffered a great deal, so collectively all these big changes have wreaked havoc in any sense of stability or constancy I may have otherwise had. I would love to hear how things went for you after this thread, how you are doing now, and what you did that helped you get through this dark night of the soul... Thanks for putting words to this state, which to me feels like a giant anvil on my heart.


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