# INTP and Romance



## strawberryLola (Sep 19, 2010)

I'm often oblivious when it comes to men, even when they outright say they're interested, I don't buy it.

Is it common that an INTP will reveal his feelings for you quite quickly out of nowhere?

I know this INTP guy, and I always thought he disliked me especially with his sarcastic remarks and jokes that seemed rather abrasive.

Now suddenly, he started to reveal his feelings towards me rather quickly and abruptly, and then he shies away and acts really distant but then warms up in his own weird way.. I just don't get it. 

INTPs, can you help me decipher what's going on? He said he liked me, but I feel given our patterns of interactions going from one extreme where he's so detached, then making snarky sarcastic jokes, and then quite sweet, caring and quiet.. I'm kinda scared and don't know what to make of his behavior.. He seems cute and interesting but this hot/cold pattern is rather unusual. He freezes up and trembles a lot some days. Other times, he treats me like a normal human being where we converse like buddies. I'm not understanding this up and down behavior. It's almost like Jekyll & Hyde.

I find his lack of consistency a little strange, and not sure if it's because he's shy or just trying to game.


----------



## Doc Dangerstein (Mar 8, 2013)

Is there anything in his behaviour or his history to suggest he's in the habit of manipulating others? I was once involved with a conceited, selfish egomaniac and she was a prolific liar. What gave her away was her demands on people's emotions, her lack of respect for the emotions and the thoughts of others, and I've witnessed her completely trash talk people who refused to bend to her will. What is important is that you look how he treats other people and how he describes his emotional state. 

Sarcasm could mean one of two things. 

He doesn't know how to flirt and considers any attention you give him a success. Also, he might be one of those poor, lost souls who is led to believe that you have to have a strategy for a girl to like him and fails to understand that she could like him out of her free will. There's a lot bullshit we get told about dating and it contributes greatly to our anxieties. And I speak for both men and women. Second, he might be unsure of his feelings. Very often I'm picking flowers and playing a round of "I love her, I lover her not." He could be questioning his feelings or if he even wants to be an a relationship. Thirdly, because I passed elementary maths, he's awkward and nervous and lacks dating experience.

... k, I'm most likely an extrovert, but you pretty much described a younger, anxious version of me.


----------



## strawberryLola (Sep 19, 2010)

Spastic Origami said:


> *Is there anything in his behaviour or his history to suggest he's in the habit of manipulating others?* I was once involved with a conceited, selfish egomaniac and she was a prolific liar. What gave her away was her demands on people's emotions, her lack of respect for the emotions and the thoughts of others, and I've witnessed her completely trash talk people who refused to bend to her will. What is important is that you look how he treats other people and how he describes his emotional state.
> 
> Sarcasm could mean one of two things.
> 
> ...


I think you nailed it right on the head.

My fear about this guy is he seems a little off. Not sure if he's known to be manipulative, I'm starting to wonder if he's a psychopath.

I notice he did seem to throw out a few lines that seemed to indicate he was trying to play games to test me.

But, then he came clean to me about his feelings. Thing is, he's my boss, and I wasn't expecting all of this. I fear for losing my job, and so does he. His behavior is really starting to scare me. He even followed me to the lunch room a few times, and I got this really weird feeling.

I'm kind of walking on eggshells with this guy even though he assures me and seems to be supportive of me at work. 

Our head boss knows about what's going on, because he also professed to the big boss about what had been happening due to his fear I was going to talk to him first.

It's like he likes me, can't pursue anything with me, but keeps me in limbo. I have to admit, there is a chemistry and attraction between us two. We can talk about a lot of things with ease, but his behaviors is cause for concern. And, he gets jealous when I interact with other people. I really just want to know if my job will be secure or not. And, although I like him, I just started here, and he's so hot/cold, distant/warm.. his behavior lacks consistency, and I don't feel safe. I don't know if I'm mis-judging him. He seems to treat people okay- nothing out of the ordinary besides what's going on between us.


----------



## Doc Dangerstein (Mar 8, 2013)

I really think he's a normal, relatively quiet guy who's under a lot of stress. There's nothing to suggest he's a predator; predators are smooth.

... k, things are pretty complex. I wouldn't say complicated because I don't think the situation is hard, per se, but contains too many variables. It is difficult to handle. You're both walking on eggshells but theres a good possibility you're not seeing where the eggshells come from. There's a double difference of class structure; he's your boss under pressure from his boss who is under pressure from company gossip. There's also the question of harassment law; there's also the question of the exploitation of harassment law which happens as often. It really sucks to be a single straight guy in a position of power at times. And it's not always the guy or the girl who plays this card but the company in fear of losing profits.

I see two people stuck in something that is quite awkward. They're both trying to manouver it to the best of their abilities. They're both doing certain things right and failing miserably at others. I mean; I would be worried if he was too much of a gentleman. I gotta cut this short for now ... but yeah, we can continue this once I get back tonight or tomorrow.


----------



## Diophantine (Nov 24, 2011)

If he is a real INTP who is still not too developed, he might be scared of his emotions or not understand them completely, which makes him scared or hesitant to approach the "problem" of liking you or not. Personally I acted the same way when someone tried to court me. 

This is most likely not a game. If it's really an INTP, he is taking it seriously but just confused and scared of his own emotions. Don't push it and develop a friendship first if you can.


----------



## IsamuSDF7 (Jul 4, 2014)

I am an INTP, and excuse me for asking, but I know an INFP, and there are a lot of 'mixed signals' that she constantly gives off--as if she likes someone to chase her, but perhaps she doesn't actually like the idea of a committed relationship. Perhaps this is just an INFP thing, but I know that they're sort of famous for not wanting to open up to people and hiding away their secret life--and perhaps ENFP's aren't like this--But personally, as an INTP we like a bit of guidance and clarity with regard to how someone actually perceives us. We then could play mind games that y'all other types are infamous for, assuming, then that it's fun and games, and not being perceived by you like we're fucking predators or something, which appears to be the case here.


----------



## shameless (Apr 21, 2014)

It has been rare. (not my common approach)

But honestly I don't like games, beating around the bush, and the few times I have felt an intense connection with someone I did actually verbalize and acknowledge it to the person quickly. 

(But I am a chick not a dude)

So is it common, no. 

I would consider it a compliment. 

I guess I only speak for myself, and I just like getting to the point with stuff like that if its evident. Because if its not mutual then I would like to not let my feelings heighten more and would like to exit.

ADD: Oh also the whole nonchalant/sarcastic approach is my usual MO. I don't like to reveal intimate feelings for another unless I have decided that I am in fact decided on them. So maybe he was in deciding mode when he was more nonchalant/sarcastic & you must have revealed some sort of authenticity and genuine appeal that he liked.


----------



## Nordom (Oct 12, 2011)

I'd first decide if the attention is wanted or unwanted. You seem on the fence about it. If you think he might be creepy, then he very rightly may be creepy. If his bosses boss knows about it and thinks his advances aren't appropriate (god I hate that word) then your job is safe.

Like I said though, figure out if his attention is welcome or not from your perspective. You don't owe him anything just because he confessed his feelings to you and made you feel special for doing so.


----------



## XP12asdf (Jul 13, 2014)

I mean it's really hard to gauge one's relationship compatibility on the sole basis of a personality profile. Us INTPs are generally fairly poor at communicating our emotions in an effective manner. This can be especially true of an INTP who is fairly undeveloped when dealing with the emotional understanding needed for a relationship.

As for him being generally sarcastic, like I dunno, maybe that has something to do with being an INTP, but I feel that there can be sarcastic people in most personality types. Who knows, it could be the whole schoolyard "He's mean to you because he likes you" stuff. Especially if he's not regularly been in relationships. Iono though I mean INTPs probably aren't going to be the most emotionally attached people in the world(I'm not), but that doesn't necessarily mean they should be a dick half the time either. 

Who knows if he really likes you, if you can't figure it out then we aren't going to either. The real question is if you like him. If you do, talk to him about his behavior. If you don't tell him you don't and hopefully it ends.


----------

