# Am I demisexual?



## zomberlover (Sep 17, 2011)

Thanks in advance for any advice or thoughts. =)

Sooo I had never even heard of the term "demisexual" until I came upon a thread in "sex and relationships." I believe @snail started the post. At first glance I thought it was more of a bi-sexual type thing, (not that there would be anything wrong with that, I just have a sexual orientation towards men) but then when I looked further into it, it seems like I could be. Which is an exciting thought for me, because I know I have always been this way, but didnt know others were or there was a name for it. 

So here is my reasoning behind thinking I might be a demisexual.

When I first meet people, I have no thoughts on if they are attractive or not. I can recognize when I see people that would turn most peoples heads, people that would be "classically beautiful" but they look the same to me as everyone else does. There has been countless times that a girl will be like "Check out this guy, he is soo hot!" and several girls are just going crazy over how attractive this guy is, and my first thought is, "Who cares?" and then I just usually vaguely agree with them or else they think Im crazy for not lusting after some guy I dont even know. 

There have been people before I have been attracted to who I was not in a relationship with, but it was after I got to know them and felt some kind of connection to them. When I told other girls I found him attractive, they looked at me like I was crazy. They said I had weird taste. 

My first real relationship, in the beginning everything was great. I had known him before, and thought he was kind of a jackass, but then once I got to know him some, and saw qualities in him that correlated with my inner core-value system, I found him very attractive. Several years went by, and he proceeded to show me again and again that he really was an asshole, and I slowly lost my attraction towards him, to the point that I was repulsed by him. This probably also had alot to do with the fact that he was very controlling, and wanted me to perform sexual acts for him, with absolutely no reciprocation. Also if I was sick, sad, angry, tired, it didnt matter. If he wanted to have sex and I didnt, he would tell me that he didnt think that I really loved him. 

Side note:Theres another girl on this forum that posted a thread titled "BLOWJOBS" question for men, and that pretty much described our relationship to a tee. Her boyfriend was an ESTJ, and mine was an ENTJ, so maybe it is an unhealthy EXTJ thing. Who knows.

So towards the end of that, the thought of doing anything sexual with him would just make me cringe. I was pretty much asexual for a long time, because I definitely didnt feel it for him, but I am a faithful person, and so I didnt think about anyone else in that way either. Well, tried not to, until the end when I met my current SO. Thats one thing that let me know it really was time to move on, because if I could develop feelings for anyone else, I know that I couldnt have any feelings for him _at all_. I cant have feelings for two people at once. Its an impossible concept to me. It would be like splitting yourself in half. So I do want to say that I did the right thing and broke it off with him before doing anything intimate with my current SO.

My current SO is someone that from the get go, I had a close connection with. (We are both INFJ's) and when I started to have feelings for him more than a friend, I became extremely sexually attracted to him within a very short period of time. I went from being pretty much completely asexual, to having someone that I constantly thought about being intimate with. And by intimate, I dont just mean sex. Things like hugging or kissing or even having long talks about what we wanted in life, what was most important to us. Most of those things were the same, so if I am a demisexual, maybe thats why I fell for him so quickly.

We have been together for a pretty good amount of time now, and I am still just as attracted to him as I was in the beginning, if not more. Even though we have our fights (just like every couple) I still share a strong bond with him. He really is my best friend.

There have been a couple times that somehow it would come up about a guy we both know being attractive, and Im always like, "I dunno I dont really think hes that attractive." And my SO said something to the effect that I am allowed to think other people are attractive, and shouldnt try to hide it, but I really just am not attracted to them in that way. But I also dont think they are unattractive. Just that thought of them being attractive or not doesnt really come into play. 

Also, Ive read being demisexual might be an INFJ thing. This whole idea to me is very new, so pretty exciting for me! Thoughts?

Thanks!!! roud:


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## Ace Face (Nov 13, 2011)

I think it's very likely. I am also demisexual... thought I was asexual until I discovered what demisexual was.


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## Psilo (Apr 29, 2009)

I'd consider you demisexual from what you wrote there. 

At least, it sounds like the reason I relate to the demisexual label.


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## Bast (Mar 23, 2011)

Only you can decide about your own sexual identity, no one else.


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## Donovan (Nov 3, 2009)

i just looked up what demisexual is... and yep, you do sound as if you are one... 

congrats zomber!


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## zomberlover (Sep 17, 2011)

Bast said:


> Only you can decide about your own sexual identity, no one else.



Yeah, I know. But since Ive only just heard about it, I didnt want to label myself that without a clear definition of what it was. So thought I would pick the brains of the amazing members of PerC.


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## zomberlover (Sep 17, 2011)

celticstained said:


> i just looked up what demisexual is... and yep, you do sound as if you are one...
> 
> congrats zomber!



Thanks! You should know better than anyone. :wink:


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## Bast (Mar 23, 2011)

zomberlover said:


> Yeah, I know. But since Ive only just heard about it, I didnt want to label myself that without a clear definition of what it was. So thought I would pick the brains of the amazing members of PerC.


That makes plenty of sense. Best of luck to you on the road to self discovery


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## quadrivium (Nov 6, 2011)

Greetings from another demi!
From what you've posted, I would assume yes. I have also read that "asexual" is more common in the INxJ types, but I'm scouring the internet for that evidence now. Starting to think I made that up? Lol

As for thinking demisexuality and bisexuality being equal, it's not. You can be "bi-romantic" "hetero-romantic" "****-romantic" or sex-repulsed, etc. My advice would be to research it, but don't get too bogged down with it. ( I had to stop following the asexual tumblr because there was so much negative energy. ) I know I felt a major sigh of relief after many years of trying to make sense of myself. Congrats


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## Evergreen23 (Feb 19, 2011)

Yay! Another demi INxJ (INTJ here). From what you described, you sound demi to me. But again, as @Bast said, you are the only one who can define yourself. Congrats on being a step closer to that.


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## Metanoia (Nov 21, 2011)

I'd actually never heard of this term until @Popinjay asked me if I was in one of the sexuality threads, and I ignorantly asked what a 'demi' was lol

From the OP's description and the pages I've found and read through google... I'm not sure, but it does sound like it's possible for me to identify with this group of people. As OP stated, I don't have SEXUAL attraction to women when I first see/meet them. That is, I have a very refined sense of what (or whom) is beautiful to me, I actually pride myself on my aesthetic, but to say I'd have SEX with a stranger, even if she's the most attractive and alluring female I've ever seen... that sounds absurd! Absurd to me, but I'm pretty much alone in male-dom with that thought, haha... But yeah, to think of others as potential sexual partners without getting to know them well, that describes me; and if that's a demisexual, I guess I'm one. haha. It's definitely not a dysfunction though, I actually think this should be the norm, not for moral reasons, but it just 'feels' like how people should react to each other. To just... give yourself physically to whomever looks good... how weird!


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## Evergreen23 (Feb 19, 2011)

elemental said:


> It's definitely not a dysfunction though, I actually think this should be the norm, not for moral reasons, but it just 'feels' like how people should react to each other. To just... give yourself physically to whomever looks good... how weird!


^this. I didn't know that sexual attraction to strangers was "normal" until I was in high school. My friends would gush over some muscly dude--"OMG, he's sooo hawt!"--but I never got that. Sure, people are aesthetically pleasing and nice to look at, but I would never have sex with someone without forming that bond--I feel as if I would be giving a part of myself away to someone that doesn't deserve it if I did such a thing.


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## Metanoia (Nov 21, 2011)

Evergreen23 said:


> ^this. I didn't know that sexual attraction to strangers was "normal" until I was in high school. My friends would gush over some muscly dude--"OMG, he's sooo hawt!"--but I never got that. Sure, people are aesthetically pleasing and nice to look at, but I would never have sex with someone without forming that bond--I feel as if I would be giving a part of myself away to someone that doesn't deserve it if I did such a thing.


Haha, yeah. And actually, I always told myself that those people who seemed to gush over the opposite sex (or same, whatever his/her preference), were doing it to 'fit in', to seem like they were normal to peers... or compensate for some inferiorities/insecurities they had within themselves. It always seemed SO exaggerated, so extreme and to my perception 'baseless' (other than off physical appearance), that is MUST be some kind of act or self delusion. hahaha


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## Evergreen23 (Feb 19, 2011)

I thought so too! I always thought I was the sane one for not losing my marbles over an attractive person. I mean, you're already a puddle and you haven't even talked to the person? What if they have a personality that's terrible? 

To me, people are nice to look at, but their personality is really what makes them attractive to me. Once I meet someone and form that emotional bond with him or her, he or she becomes MUCH more sexually appealing. I was like that with my current SO; when we first met, I didn't give her much of a though beyond "she is pretty." Now that we're together, I'm actually attracted to her, and not just in a sexual way--hugs, light affectionate touches, snuggling, the whole deal. I don't even think about that with anyone else. 

...Why can't society act like this??


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## paper lilies (Dec 6, 2011)

Demisexuality to me, is not a "sexual orientation" it's a "romantic orientation".
For example if I were to label my sexual orientation I'd say: bisexual.
When we look at "romantic orientation" I believe there's a scale.
You have the top of the scale: People that are really sexual and experience sexual attraction and desire immediately. The scale goes down from there until we hit the "middle" to which I believe demisexuality falls. Personality first, sexual attraction later. The bottom of the scale: People that are not sexual at all and experience no sexual attraction or desire (toward other people). This is called "asexual".

If I were to label my "romantic orientation" I'd say: demisexual.
I don't experience physical attraction the way other people do. I don't understand being sexually attracted to someone without knowing them. I can acknowledge when someone is stereotypically beautiful, but I have no desire to get in their pants. When someone's personality shines through and I've gotten to know them, it's almost as if their personality is what sexually pulls me to them. I can't even cuddle with someone until I know them and trust them overly well.


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## Evergreen23 (Feb 19, 2011)

That's an interesting perspective. I've always thought (and have read in other places) that demisexuality was more of a sexual orientation, and that people can be heteroromantic, biromantic, etc. I myself am panromantic (not sure why I felt the need to say that). But I would consider your viewpoint valid as well.

And the scale idea is a good one. I think human sexuality is fluid and everchanging anyway; who are we to define something that is embedded into our genetic code?


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## Promethea (Aug 24, 2009)

Yeah. 

I am also demisexual. 

I am completely apathetic to people's human costumes. Before theres an association made between it, and something that makes me feel interested or just have feelings for them a bit in general, its just meaningless shapes and colors. There have been instances where a person reminds me of someone and I will look at them a little longer but it doesn't mean that I'm attracted. 

After I have feelings for someone or a real interest in them though I can become extremely attracted and find every part of them attractive. An association is made and it makes every little thing about them beautiful. I spend a lot of time admiring their physical appearance at that point.


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## Hollow Man (Aug 12, 2011)

I should date a demisexual...I almost consider myself one after reading this thread...I don't know if it's more this value system I made up or I just can't/won't have sex with someone until a nice connection is made. It doesn't make sense to me to have sex with someone without knowing them really well and respecting them as individuals.


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## zomberlover (Sep 17, 2011)

Evergreen23 said:


> I feel as if I would be giving a part of myself away to someone that doesn't deserve it if I did such a thing.


This. Is exactly how I feel


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## zomberlover (Sep 17, 2011)

Promethea said:


> After I have feelings for someone or a real interest in them though I can become extremely attracted and find every part of them attractive. An association is made and it makes every little thing about them beautiful. I spend a lot of time admiring their physical appearance at that point.



This is exactly how I am. Sometimes he will catch me staring and asks me what, and Im like oh nothing. As opposed to being like, "Oh im just admiring every single little things about you."


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## Thomas D M Thompson (Sep 14, 2011)

zomberlover said:


> I dont think this person was truly demisexual....I think he was confused


 Well obviously he isn't now that he changed his viewpoint and i think the same holds true for females if they gave male prostitution a chance. Which ultimately brings me to pull up a point that no one really can say they're behavior makes them something 100 percent and can indefinitely identify with that all throughout their lives.


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## Eerie (Feb 9, 2011)

Male prostitution, rofl. What a joke.


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## Vaan (Dec 19, 2010)

Yep it seems to be that way, i'm a demisexual INFJ as well. Demisexuality is great and I wouldn't have it any other way. I could not imagine being a slave to physical desires outside of emotional connections. 

In the words of C.S Lewis regarding sex without the complete union that humans should have (An intense connection and intimacy on an emotional, physical, mental and spiritual level).

"You must not isolate that pleasure and try to get it by itself, any more than you ought to get the pleasures of taste without swallowing and digesting, by chewing things and spitting them out again."

So demisexuality I see as a gift in hindsight because it allows for something so much more powerful and intimate than any sexual act alone could fulfil


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## Thomas D M Thompson (Sep 14, 2011)

Vaan said:


> Yep it seems to be that way, i'm a demisexual INFJ as well. Demisexuality is great and I wouldn't have it any other way. I could not imagine being a slave to physical desires outside of emotional connections.
> 
> In the words of C.S Lewis regarding sex without the complete union that humans should have (An intense connection and intimacy on an emotional, physical, mental and spiritual level).
> 
> ...


As I couldn't imagine being a slave to emotional connections outside of physical desires. Comparing food to sex is atrocious as well.


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## Vaan (Dec 19, 2010)

Thomas D M Thompson said:


> As I couldn't imagine being a slave to emotional connections outside of physical desires. Comparing food to sex is atrocious as well.


That is why we all seem to love the concept of "To each thier own" ^_^


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## zomberlover (Sep 17, 2011)

Thomas D M Thompson said:


> Well obviously he isn't now that he changed his viewpoint and i think the same holds true for females if they gave male prostitution a chance. Which ultimately brings me to pull up a point that no one really can say they're behavior makes them something 100 percent and can indefinitely identify with that all throughout their lives.


 
He may not be confused now, and great for him! Like someone already said, to each their own, but personally, being demisexual, I cannot imagine being the other way around. And the idea of prostitution is the complete opposite of the idea of demisexuality. 

Being this way is such an integral, core part of my being. I have never not been this way, and will never not be that way in the future. (Fun sentence! ) So I dont think he was truly demisexual, I think he just didnt know what he wanted yet, but now it seems he does so hoo-rah for him.


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## zomberlover (Sep 17, 2011)

Thomas D M Thompson said:


> As I couldn't imagine being a slave to emotional connections outside of physical desires.


Hmm....Being a slave to emotional connections. I think we are viewing this very differently here. (Nothing wrong with that) I dont think that a demi would explain this connection we need to want and pursue physical desires as being a slave to it. That has a connotation of being a very bad thing, or being tied down unwillingly. But being demisexual is not something we are a slave to, or are forced to do against our will. It is something we want, will work towards, and is ideal for us. 

Like I said, nothing wrong with feeling different than we do, but maybe that will help explain the way we feel about it a little better.




Thomas D M Thompson said:


> Comparing food to sex is atrocious as well.


Ha, I would think so too, but only because I will never have a connection with food. It is fuel for my body and I get pleasure out of eating good food, but thats it. Food and I will never settle down get married have children and live the rest of our lives together. 

But in your argument, I see sex and food being relatable. Its a physical need, and the only reason you desire it is to satiate that need.


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## possiBri (Jan 4, 2011)

Thanks for the interesting, insightful thread. I'm definitely wondering if this is something I relate to consistently or if I'm more gray-A... either way, demisexual is a term I have never heard — prior to this thread — and you've spawned some researching and questioning for myself. I've always felt kinda "broken" because I don't understand how other people can have, or even desire, one night stands. The descriptions/definitions of demisexual are still few and far between (and rather vague), so I'm not sure if that is really where I'd land on the spectrum, but (as I just stated) you've definitely sparked a whole new avenue of research and personal discovery... woo!


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## Thomas D M Thompson (Sep 14, 2011)

Also, unless you have personally experienced every sexual out there, it's impossible to know if you are of another or not. Just my mantra I suppose but it does have a lot of validity in individuals.


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## Eerie (Feb 9, 2011)

Thomas D M Thompson said:


> Also, unless you have personally experienced every sexual out there, it's impossible to know if you are of another or not. Just my mantra I suppose but it does have a lot of validity in individuals.


Every sexual _what_?


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## zomberlover (Sep 17, 2011)

possiBri said:


> Thanks for the interesting, insightful thread. I'm definitely wondering if this is something I relate to consistently or if I'm more gray-A... either way, demisexual is a term I have never heard — prior to this thread — and you've spawned some researching and questioning for myself. I've always felt kinda "broken" because I don't understand how other people can have, or even desire, one night stands. The descriptions/definitions of demisexual are still few and far between (and rather vague), so I'm not sure if that is really where I'd land on the spectrum, but (as I just stated) you've definitely sparked a whole new avenue of research and personal discovery... woo!


 
Yay! Thats what its all about


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## zomberlover (Sep 17, 2011)

Thomas D M Thompson said:


> Also, unless you have personally experienced every sexual out there, it's impossible to know if you are of another or not. Just my mantra I suppose but it does have a lot of validity in individuals.


 
Maybe that works for you. I think "individuals" is the key word here. Some people need to experience it all, some know what they are from birth, and some people never truly find comfort in knowing exactly who they are. I do agree it is an un-ending search/process. For me, finding out I was demisexual, (or the name for what I was, rather) sparked new interest and delving further into who I am and why. 

But I definitely know I am not into women sexually. Never had a relationship with one, but I also have never fantasized about women, and I do not get turned on by women anatomy. Now, being demisexual, you could interpret that to mean I havent met the "Right woman" that I shared that connection with. I have known alot of females. I have had very deep connections with lots of females, and they were my best friends. Sexual longing? Nope. 

But, nothing against those who are. (I love the gays! ) I just know its not right for me. 

I also know I wouldnt enjoy a one night stand or very casual fling. The first would leave me sickened, where the second would leave me feeling like I wasted time and invested myself in something not worthy. Even when men look at me in a lustful way, or make inappropriate comments, it makes me feel sick. That part of myself (my sexuality) is a part of me, and it is a gift. Something that I get to choose who and when it is given to, and even when men have thoughts that way about me, it feels like they are trying to take pleasure in something that is not theirs. And I dont appreciate it.


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## possiBri (Jan 4, 2011)

zomberlover said:


> Maybe that works for you. I think "individuals" is the key word here. Some people need to experience it all, some know what they are from birth, and some people never truly find comfort in knowing exactly who they are. I do agree it is an un-ending search/process. For me, finding out I was demisexual, (or the name for what I was, rather) sparked new interest and delving further into who I am and why.
> 
> But I definitely know I am not into women sexually. Never had a relationship with one, but I also have never fantasized about women, and I do not get turned on by women anatomy. Now, being demisexual, you could interpret that to mean I havent met the "Right woman" that I shared that connection with. I have known alot of females. I have had very deep connections with lots of females, and they were my best friends. Sexual longing? Nope.
> 
> ...


YES! I can definitely relate to this, the only difference for me is that I avoid my sexuality when/if something like the bit in bold happens. I've always felt like sexual orientation/gender has gotten in the way of me getting to know people better because of expected social norms and stuff. It's weird because I have the general desire for a sexual/intimate relationship, but nobody to actually use it on. Also, I've always been steadfast in my "knowing" that I have to be friends with someone before I can even consider a romantic relationship with them.

I'm curious, do you have desire, but then also anxiety/apprehension about actually engaging in the act (this is just in general, having the desire/need, and then considering doing it but not with anybody specific)? And if so, would you attribute that to being demisexual? In that, the apprehension comes from not having the emotional attachment there, so it just seems "wrong" when imagining it. I've felt this way for a long time, and I've always figured it was just a lack of experience, self-esteem issues or whatever... but maybe that's sort of the same kind of revulsion you get when you think about flings or one-night-stands.


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## zomberlover (Sep 17, 2011)

possiBri said:


> YES! I can definitely relate to this, the only difference for me is that I avoid my sexuality when/if something like the bit in bold happens. I've always felt like sexual orientation/gender has gotten in the way of me getting to know people better because of expected social norms and stuff. It's weird because I have the general desire for a sexual/intimate relationship, but nobody to actually use it on. Also, I've always been steadfast in my "knowing" that I have to be friends with someone before I can even consider a romantic relationship with them.
> 
> I'm curious, do you have desire, but then also anxiety/apprehension about actually engaging in the act (this is just in general, having the desire/need, and then considering doing it but not with anybody specific)? And if so, would you attribute that to being demisexual? In that, the apprehension comes from not having the emotional attachment there, so it just seems "wrong" when imagining it. I've felt this way for a long time, and I've always figured it was just a lack of experience, self-esteem issues or whatever... but maybe that's sort of the same kind of revulsion you get when you think about flings or one-night-stands.


 
Hmmm....I have experienced anxiety before when having sex and/or doing sexual things with my partner, when it feels more like a "he just wants to have sex for the physical gratification" Its all about being in my comfort zone. With my ex, it was really bad (posted in the OP) and I would just kind of go into a zone kind of away from myself....if that makes any sense-go into a state where I feel nothing. A defense mechanism. Its not like that now with my current SO, but there are still times where I feel anxiety and cant pinpoint the source. Its like sometimes I feel disconnected, and then I feel anxious. 

Ah that sounds bad but I guess a better way to describe it would be the most amazing sexual experiences I have ever had it was like we were almost one. I felt completely connected and at ease, and then I was able to "let go" per se, and really enjoy myself. When its like that, its unexplainably amazing. Then if you look at the other side of the spectrum, if theres something Im upset about (not even to do with him) or if Im feeling very much in my own head and introverted, then I do have anxiety, but that is rare. 

I also do have some insecurities and things that I just absolutely hate about my body, and that makes me anxious. Even though he says those things dont bother him, and he thinks Im beautiful, my insecurities get the best of me every once in a while. (I would like to figure out how to conquer those-but thats another subject) *derail*

Can you think of what the source might be for your anxiety/discomfort? Is it something you are afraid of, or would like to avoid?


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## zomberlover (Sep 17, 2011)

zomberlover said:


> Hmmm....I have experienced anxiety before when having sex and/or doing sexual things with my partner, when it feels more like a "he just wants to have sex for the physical gratification" Its all about being in my comfort zone. With my ex, it was really bad (posted in the OP) and I would just kind of go into a zone kind of away from myself....if that makes any sense-go into a state where I feel nothing. A defense mechanism. Its not like that now with my current SO, but there are still times where I feel anxiety and cant pinpoint the source. Its like sometimes I feel disconnected, and then I feel anxious.
> 
> Ah that sounds bad but I guess a better way to describe it would be the most amazing sexual experiences I have ever had it was like we were almost one. I felt completely connected and at ease, and then I was able to "let go" per se, and really enjoy myself. When its like that, its unexplainably amazing. Then if you look at the other side of the spectrum, if theres something Im upset about (not even to do with him) or if Im feeling very much in my own head and introverted, then I do have anxiety, but that is rare.
> 
> ...


 
Also, I forgot to add that sometimes I feel anxiety when people talk about sex openly. (As in, dirty jokes, experiences they have had, etc) It makes me feel almost embarrased, and I probably turn red :frustrating: 

It just feels too intimate, and thus makes me uncomfortable. But, with people Im close to, its fine. Usually no anxiety :happy:


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## possiBri (Jan 4, 2011)

zomberlover said:


> Can you think of what the source might be for your anxiety/discomfort? Is it something you are afraid of, or would like to avoid?


Hmmmm, good question... I'm sure a lot of it has to do with assumed inadequacy due to societal standards of "beauty" and "attractiveness" — paired with a lack of experience, so it's like I don't know if I'd just instinctively know what to do or whatever. I kinda had a feeling it wasn't really related, but I could see some overlapping (could just be some runaway Ne lol). I've noticed that if I have nothing to base a possible future experience on, I tend to get a little crazy with expectations of myself, and being unsure if I'll meet them. My few sexual encounters can definitely be described as sort of the "checked out" sort of feeling you mentioned, and I can barely even remember how I felt during them or what actually happened (the only things I truly remember are kisses, and even those have been few and far between), so I don't know if it's due to the same thing though.

Meh... this stuff sure feels overwhelming sometimes, especially for someone who needs to have information and understanding of a situation, and the only way to really get that is to experience it... lol




zomberlover said:


> Also, I forgot to add that sometimes I feel anxiety when people talk about sex openly. (As in, dirty jokes, experiences they have had, etc) It makes me feel almost embarrased, and I probably turn red :frustrating:
> 
> It just feels too intimate, and thus makes me uncomfortable. But, with people Im close to, its fine. Usually no anxiety :happy:


I can relate to this 100%


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## zomberlover (Sep 17, 2011)

possiBri said:


> Hmmmm, good question... I'm sure a lot of it has to do with assumed inadequacy due to societal standards of "beauty" and "attractiveness" — paired with a lack of experience, so it's like I don't know if I'd just instinctively know what to do or whatever. I kinda had a feeling it wasn't really related, but I could see some overlapping (could just be some runaway Ne lol). I've noticed that if I have nothing to base a possible future experience on, I tend to get a little crazy with expectations of myself, and being unsure if I'll meet them. My few sexual encounters can definitely be described as sort of the "checked out" sort of feeling you mentioned, and I can barely even remember how I felt during them or what actually happened (the only things I truly remember are kisses, and even those have been few and far between), so I don't know if it's due to the same thing though.
> 
> Meh... this stuff sure feels overwhelming sometimes, especially for someone who needs to have information and understanding of a situation, and the only way to really get that is to experience it... lol


 
You just need to find you a demi, then youll be good to go. =) (since they will think you are attractive based on important things, like who you are, not the "human costume"-as Ive heard it be called) 

But yes, alot of it does come natural, but if you are nervous, you cant really just let it flow. Ah the irony. I would suggest creating a bond with someone first, and abstaining from sexual encounters until YOU are ready and YOU are comfortable. And if you find someone that loves you for you and is willing to wait for that moment, it will be a phenomenal experience for the both of you, hands down. 

Plus when you are with someone that cares about you for you, they are not going to judge you on how "good" you are! They have way more important things to be thinking about (your happiness and comfortability)

Good luck! Finding a real connection with someone is hard to come by, but worth the wait


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## Donovan (Nov 3, 2009)

Eerie said:


> Male prostitution, rofl. What a joke.


hey now, that's been a serious career choice of mine for a while and i'd really appreciate it if you'd be *little* more sensitive to people and the human condition in general before throwing out negative and hurtful comments. 

Thank You Very Much Eerie!


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## Eerie (Feb 9, 2011)

celticstained said:


> hey now, that's been a serious career choice of mine for a while and i'd really appreciate it if you'd be *little* more sensitive to people and the human condition in general before throwing out negative and hurtful comments.
> 
> Thank You Very Much Eerie!


I hope you achieve your dream!


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## zomberlover (Sep 17, 2011)

Eerie said:


> I hope you achieve your dream!


He wont. :tongue:


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## Eerie (Feb 9, 2011)

zomberlover said:


> He wont. :tongue:


Awww, he will never know till he tries rofl ;P


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## zomberlover (Sep 17, 2011)

Eerie said:


> Awww, he will never know till he tries rofl ;P


The best he will get is probably a pretty gay man. I dont think many women pay for sex. 

hahahaha happy searching @celticstained!


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## Donovan (Nov 3, 2009)

zomberlover said:


> He wont. :tongue:


my body is my temple and i'll let whoever i want into it... uh, i mean, the other way around--well, if they're paying enough then maybe, but he/she'll have to also throw in dinner and... and... a really good book + a cool knick-knack that was given to them willingly by a homeless person who strongly resembles my bulldog...

good luck!


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## Donovan (Nov 3, 2009)

@everyone



> I dont think many women pay for sex.


only because _the man_ holding them back with unfair societal standards--break free my sisters!

... and call me .

sorry Eve, i didn't mean to "@" you, i guess the program decided that i made a mistake and did it's best in trying to "fix" it.


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## zomberlover (Sep 17, 2011)

celticstained said:


> my body is my temple and i'll let whoever i want into it... uh, i mean, the other way around--well, if they're paying enough then maybe, but he/she'll have to also throw in dinner and... and... a really good book + a cool knick-knack that was given to them willingly by a homeless person who strongly resembles my bulldog...
> 
> good luck!


So what about me celticstained? I believe someone on here said I should try male prostitution.....should I come bearing gifts?

(Ill warn you-The cool knick-knack given to me was a strap-on)


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## Donovan (Nov 3, 2009)

> should I come bearing gifts?


'tis only proper for a proper lad like me-self.



> (Ill warn you-The cool knick-knack given to me was a strap-on)


i set myself up for that one--again, good luck getting a homeless person to _willingly_ part with one--or anyone for that matter, since if they went through the trouble to get one i can only assume that they want it--and it has to be a gift, no buying it--that's cheating.

(side note: it can't be used either.)


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## zomberlover (Sep 17, 2011)

celticstained said:


> 'tis only proper for a proper lad like me-self.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Soooooo...IF I find a homeless person who has one (unused), and tell them its the strap-on or their life, then they _willingly _hand it over.....then I may come to you with dinner and a good book and you will then make sweet passionate love to me?

All for such a small price! roud:

(p.s.) We all know that anyone who uses the word "tis" is a complete douche


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## Donovan (Nov 3, 2009)

> you will then make sweet passionate love to me?


the other way around, or, originally it was, now it works perfectly fine considering it appears that i'm the one saying it.



> All for such a small price!


don't get ahead of yourself--i haven't mentioned the price. 



> (p.s.) We all know that anyone who uses the word "tis" is a complete douche


... when correctly used it only *adds* to one's sense of mystique... i wouldn't expect a "demisexual" to understand it...


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## zomberlover (Sep 17, 2011)

celticstained said:


> the other way around, or, originally it was, now it works perfectly fine considering it appears that i'm the one saying it.


Of course it does.



celticstained said:


> don't get ahead of yourself--i haven't mentioned the price.


The price is my undying love and affection? roud:



celticstained said:


> ... when correctly used it only *adds* to one's sense of mystique... i wouldn't expect a "demisexual" to understand it...


Now you have gone too far sir. Demi's everywhere are now formulating a plot to destroy you....


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## Donovan (Nov 3, 2009)

> Demi's everywhere are now formulating a plot to destroy you....


do your worst-- i will acquire my kind and we sexual deviants will blatantly commit sexual acts in your very presence, destroying your morale for life... or something...

ok, this is getting stupid, on my part i mean.


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## zomberlover (Sep 17, 2011)

celticstained said:


> do your worst-- i will acquire my kind and we sexual deviants will blatantly commit sexual acts in your very presence, destroying your morale for life... or something...
> 
> ok, this is getting stupid, on my part i mean.


 
haha noooooooo....we might....spontaneously combust....or something....

anyway, thanks for the fun derail roud: now back to serious business!


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## zomberlover (Sep 17, 2011)

*disclaimer*

For the purpose of this thread I thought it would be a good idea to say this. Celticstained and I know each other IRL. I am not just messing around with some guy I dont even know on the internet......I thought this was _important to the idea_ of this thread because being demisexual, I would not be comfortable acting like that with a guy I dont know, and who is not my SO.


roud:


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## possiBri (Jan 4, 2011)

zomberlover said:


> *disclaimer*
> 
> For the purpose of this thread I thought it would be a good idea to say this. Celticstained and I know each other IRL. I am not just messing around with some guy I dont even know on the internet......I thought this was _important to the idea_ of this thread because being demisexual, I would not be comfortable acting like that with a guy I dont know, and who is not my SO.
> 
> ...


hahaha thanks... that helped A LOT, actually. =]


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## zomberlover (Sep 17, 2011)

possiBri said:


> hahaha thanks... that helped A LOT, actually. =]


 
haha good! I thought it would be kind of odd for me to go on about how I would be uncomfortable with innapropriate comments with men I dont have a connection with, and then proceed to do so here on the thread! (or so thats how it would seem to someone reading it who didnt know any better) :happy:


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## possiBri (Jan 4, 2011)

zomberlover said:


> haha good! I thought it would be kind of odd for me to go on about how I would be uncomfortable with innapropriate comments with men I dont have a connection with, and then proceed to do so here on the thread! (or so thats how it would seem to someone reading it who didnt know any better) :happy:


lol that didn't really cross my mind, but your disclaimer actually SHOWED me the oddness of it, which helped me better understand demisexuality... I've sorta done something like that on a few occasions (online only) and I remember kinda liking the "attention" but didn't really enjoy myself, and felt really disconnected/detached... doing it more for the experience than because it felt right (like I needed to be like that in order to be "normal"). Weird.


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## zomberlover (Sep 17, 2011)

possiBri said:


> lol that didn't really cross my mind, but your disclaimer actually SHOWED me the oddness of it, which helped me better understand demisexuality... I've sorta done something like that on a few occasions (online only) and I remember kinda liking the "attention" but didn't really enjoy myself, and felt really disconnected/detached... doing it more for the experience than because it felt right (like I needed to be like that in order to be "normal"). Weird.


 
yeah I know what you mean. I didnt really think that everyone would think that, but better safe than sorry, especially considering the whole message of this thread-I didnt want to come off the wrong way. But yeah if I was single, I can imagine playfully flirting a little online or in person-but for me when it comes to sexual things thats crossing the line (for me personally) and I just dont enjoy flirting that way. It seems degrading to myself and as if Im selling myself short. 

Some definitions for demis say that we are close to being asexual, but I disagree. Sexuality is VERY important to me. The act of it (with that someone) the thought of it, the idea of it, what it means. Its not really something to play around with in my mind. Its something that is reserved for that someone. All of it. Giving that gift even in small doses (flirting sexually) would be a shame. 

At least, these are my views on it. And I dont look down on anyone else for not feeling the same. To each their own!


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## Psilo (Apr 29, 2009)

I would imagine that, like anything, there's a spectrum. It's why I feel demisexuality is a valid category along with asexual or sexual, because I don't think it's either you got it or you don't. 

I do relate much more to asexuals than sexuals, mostly because I live thinking I was one (and essentially being one). At least, romantically inclined asexuals. I worried that I could never be in a relationship, because no one would tolerate a sexless relationship. Even that I know now I can become sexually interested in some one, my libido is so low I still worry about sexual compatibility. I just don't crave sex outside of very specific circumstances requiring someone I have already built a relationship with. I worry when I hear people reference a friend zone, because my friend zone is where my sexual partner would be found. I'm not asexual, but I function very similarly to one. It isn't a decision to refrain from sex. I'm not chaste. My sexuality is just based on a relationship I have already developed, instead of pursuing a relationship to have a sexual one.


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## Donovan (Nov 3, 2009)

zomberlover said:


> *disclaimer*
> 
> For the purpose of this thread I thought it would be a good idea to say this. Celticstained and I know each other IRL. I am not just messing around with some guy I dont even know on the internet......I thought this was _important to the idea_ of this thread because being demisexual, I would not be comfortable acting like that with a guy I dont know, and who is not my SO.
> 
> ...


WTF are you talking about!? 

... how do we know each other?

...is this evidence of one of those INFJ dom/tert loops...?

... quit stalking my posts...


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## Reicheru (Sep 24, 2011)

zomberlover said:


> When I first meet people, I have no thoughts on if they are attractive or not. I can recognize when I see people that would turn most peoples heads, people that would be "classically beautiful" but they look the same to me as everyone else does. There has been countless times that a girl will be like "Check out this guy, he is soo hot!" and several girls are just going crazy over how attractive this guy is, and my first thought is, "Who cares?" and then I just usually vaguely agree with them or else they think Im crazy for not lusting after some guy I dont even know.
> 
> There have been people before I have been attracted to who I was not in a relationship with, but it was after I got to know them and felt some kind of connection to them. When I told other girls I found him attractive, they looked at me like I was crazy. They said I had weird taste.


this. all over.

i can recognise an attractive guy without feeling even the slightest bit attracted to him. apparently, this is unusual. but i couldn't see it any other way. i've tried. looks, for me, are purely aesthetic. i can appreciate the beauty of a painting but i wouldn't want to stuff it between my legs and the same applies to blokes.

i always dismissed it as shallow when people decided they fancied someone at first- or second-glance because when i meet people, the last thing that's on my mind is sex with strangers. but it would seem i am not the rule, then, but the exception... and it's less shallow and more instinctive.

i don't get it.

that said, every guy i've ever met and thought "well, under the right circumstances, maybe i_ could_ like him," i nearly always fall for at some point whether briefly or for several years. but that's rare. when i do, the loveliness that is his personality spreads to his looks as well: i find him both physically attractive and cute, funny, smart etc. but it's what's intangible in his general *way* that acts as catalyst.

i considered myself asexual for 3 years.

i've also noticed a tendency within myself to shoo away guys i secretly do like (who reciprocate), meanwhile the men i can't stand chase me, believing i'm really into them...

but i'm not sure i quite like the demisexual label. it just seems too medicalising, even a little pathologising. it's not me who's got it wrong, it's everyone else! 

EDIT: i'm also an INFJ, by the way - tested & tried.


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## Loveternity (Aug 3, 2011)

Thank you for making this thread. I had never heard of demisexual before and now I can finally answer my friends asking me why I never make a move or even seem interested in someone, even though I claim to not be asexual. =)


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## Thomas D M Thompson (Sep 14, 2011)

Don't use this "label" as an excuse for not pursuing or trying to establish a relationship. I don't use my lack of faith to justify debauchery for example.


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## Longdove (Jan 4, 2011)

Is this option gonna be available or demanded as on option on registration forms from now on? Is PerC gonna have to come up with a demisexual icon to help demi's out?


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## zomberlover (Sep 17, 2011)

celticstained said:


> WTF are you talking about!?
> 
> ... how do we know each other?
> 
> ...


Oh hush. The jig is up!


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## Impavida (Dec 29, 2011)

I, too, had to look up demisexual after seeing this thread. Reading the description was definitely a light bulb moment. I have never in my life felt sexual attraction towards a stranger. I can appreciate that a person is physically attractive, but there is never that "OMG, I must have him!" sexual attraction.

The only thing that differs for me from the description, is that it is not an emotional connection that I require to be sexually attracted to someone, it's an intellectual connection. For me, the emotional connection comes after sex. It's the mind connection that comes first.

If that intellectual connection is lost, the romantic and sexual connection totally disappears for me.


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## zomberlover (Sep 17, 2011)

Reicheru said:


> this. all over.
> 
> i can recognise an attractive guy without feeling even the slightest bit attracted to him. apparently, this is unusual. but i couldn't see it any other way. i've tried. looks, for me, are purely aesthetic. i can appreciate the beauty of a painting but i wouldn't want to stuff it between my legs and the same applies to blokes.
> 
> ...


This is totally how I feel too. Just about everything you said matches up with what I think. Im so glad theres other people out there who are the same as me!


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## zomberlover (Sep 17, 2011)

Thomas D M Thompson said:


> Don't use this "label" as an excuse for not pursuing or trying to establish a relationship. I don't use my lack of faith to justify debauchery for example.


I dont think thats what he was trying to do.


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## zomberlover (Sep 17, 2011)

jayde said:


> I, too, had to look up demisexual after seeing this thread. Reading the description was definitely a light bulb moment. I have never in my life felt sexual attraction towards a stranger. I can appreciate that a person is physically attractive, but there is never that "OMG, I must have him!" sexual attraction.
> 
> The only thing that differs for me from the description, is that it is not an emotional connection that I require to be sexually attracted to someone, it's an intellectual connection. For me, the emotional connection comes after sex. It's the mind connection that comes first.
> 
> If that intellectual connection is lost, the romantic and sexual connection totally disappears for me.


I am this way too. Except for I guess the intellectual/emotional connection happen simultaneously. They are separate things, but one cannot exist without the other. Intellect and open mindedness are important things to me, so a SO would have to have those. Not even intellect, but the willingness to learn new things and a natural curiosity that goes along with that. 


A HUGE turn off is blatant stupidity and disregard for other peoples feelings. Both are important in different-but equal-ways.


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## Angelic Gardevoir (Oct 7, 2010)

Wow...I think I might be demisexual too! O_O Though considering that I've never been in an actual relationship and don't really have the desire for one at the moment, this is just tentative.

I've only had a few crushes in my life, but none of them were based on looks at all. And even so, it wasn't an obsessive sort of crush, but more of a "butterflies in the stomach when I get near this person" kind of thing. And even so, my first thought wasn't "I want to have sex!" but rather "This person is a nice/intriguing person..." In fact, they were more innocent crushes, not sexual.

I also relate to being able to tell who is physically attractive and see them as aesthetically pleasing compared to others, but I never drooled over guys. I kinda faked it a few times just to fit in, but it's something that I never really experienced to a large extreme.

Yet something that keeps me from being sure about this is that while personality seems to be the most important thing for me, extreme unattractiveness acts as a deterrent, at least initially as far as I know. Though what qualifies as extreme unattractiveness for me is mostly health related, such as missing front teeth and/or rotten teeth or extreme obesity (though chubbiness is fine, as I'm very far from being a frame of bones myself). But weight isn't as nearly big of a deal as teeth for me for some reason...does this make me a bad person?


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## kiskadee (Jan 9, 2009)

Angelic Gardevoir said:


> But weight isn't as nearly big of a deal as teeth for me for some reason...does this make me a bad person?


Why on earth would it be any better to be repulsed by someone because of their weight than because of their teeth?


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## zomberlover (Sep 17, 2011)

Angelic Gardevoir said:


> Wow...I think I might be demisexual too! O_O Though considering that I've never been in an actual relationship and don't really have the desire for one at the moment, this is just tentative.
> 
> I've only had a few crushes in my life, but none of them were based on looks at all. And even so, it wasn't an obsessive sort of crush, but more of a "butterflies in the stomach when I get near this person" kind of thing. And even so, my first thought wasn't "I want to have sex!" but rather "This person is a nice/intriguing person..." In fact, they were more innocent crushes, not sexual.
> 
> ...


 

No, I dont think so. It is within us naturally to be attracted to people with nice skin (no acne), nice teeth, and a slim frame (or I should say, a healthy body) because these are all signs of health, and as beings that procreate, we subconciously desire that, to be able to pass it on to our offspring. We also look for symmetrical faces, etc, but thats besides the point. 

*If you are interested, look at the documentary "The science of sex" and it goes over all that, its really interesting, I think.*

But I too have met people that I am naturally unattracted too, though this is very rare. Also like I have met people that I am a tad more attracted too, but thats very rare too in the beginning. But I do have to say in the instance above where I met someone that I almost immediately thought was unattractive, I grew to have a liking for him after I got to know him, and I was very attracted to him physically at that point. It was like a complete 180. 

So it is more possible for me to have an un-attraction for someone, but that is waived quickly according to their personality. 

Also, sometimes where there is someone who is very "classically" beautiful, they can be extremely ugly in my eyes after I know their personality. Unfortunately, thats how it is for most of them actually. It seems like in this culture, being beautiful is seen as an advantage, and can give someone a big head. Also, (in some cases) they are happy with their natural image and dont strive to work on anything besides that. Which is counter-productive, because it makes them cookie-cutter-esque and indistinguishable.


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## Angelic Gardevoir (Oct 7, 2010)

Grish said:


> Why on earth would it be any better to be repulsed by someone because of their weight than because of their teeth?


 It wouldn't. I was talking about both. I just feel so guilty about it, even if it is instinctual. Yet I don't automatically think they're horrible people or anything like that just because of the way they look. It's just...well...yeah. ^_^U



zomberlover said:


> No, I dont think so. It is within us naturally to be attracted to people with nice skin (no acne), nice teeth, and a slim frame (or I should say, a healthy body) because these are all signs of health, and as beings that procreate, we subconciously desire that, to be able to pass it on to our offspring. We also look for symmetrical faces, etc, but thats besides the point.
> 
> *If you are interested, look at the documentary "The science of sex" and it goes over all that, its really interesting, I think.*


Yeah, I was aware of that, but it doesn't stop me from feeling bad about it. 



> But I too have met people that I am naturally unattracted too, though this is very rare. Also like I have met people that I am a tad more attracted too, but thats very rare too in the beginning. But I do have to say in the instance above where I met someone that I almost immediately thought was unattractive, I grew to have a liking for him after I got to know him, and I was very attracted to him physically at that point. It was like a complete 180.


I would have to experience something like that for myself in order to confirm, but I could imagine that happening to me. 



> Also, sometimes where there is someone who is very "classically" beautiful, they can be extremely ugly in my eyes after I know their personality. Unfortunately, thats how it is for most of them actually. It seems like in this culture, being beautiful is seen as an advantage, and can give someone a big head. Also, (in some cases) they are happy with their natural image and dont strive to work on anything besides that. Which is counter-productive, because it makes them cookie-cutter-esque and indistinguishable.


 Agreed. If all a person has going for them is their looks, then not only is that just sad, but I also wouldn't touch them with a 10 ft. pole. Give me an average looking person with a great personality any day.


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## kiskadee (Jan 9, 2009)

Angelic Gardevoir said:


> It wouldn't. I was talking about both. I just feel so guilty about it, even if it is instinctual. Yet I don't automatically think they're horrible people or anything like that just because of the way they look. It's just...well...yeah. ^_^U


Ah, I see. I was confused by the way you worded it.


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