# ENFJ male into INFP female needs insight



## birddog (Feb 18, 2013)

Hello you curiously wonderful personality people, this is my first go on a forum. Ill keep it short and sweet.

*The situation*
I am desperately in awe of this INFP woman whom has been burnt in the past with another relationship. Since that time several other guys have attempted to pursue her. Another ENFJ whom was a bit overconfident, and two other INFJ's. She is very beautiful and kind and talented. 

*What i know
*she is arty and fun and talented. she is balanced in kindness and nonjudgmental. She is timid about sharing her heart and it drives me nuts ( in a good way). 


Im hearing second hand that she is not interested in a relationship.
Firsthand im hearing that she feels like she is often put on a pedestal
that she wants to be and not feel like other people want her to be something else
we have both concluded in conversation that there should not be so much pressure in dating. that it should be about getting to know someone.


*Questions for INFP's:*
How can i pursue you without you feeling like your put on a pedestal ?
How can i practically get to know you without getting emotionally wrapped up in your feel-good nature.
Whats your take on her readiness?


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## Donovan (Nov 3, 2009)

at first i thought this thread was going to be about an enfj male becoming an infp female, and needing advice. 



(now for some sort of response, so you don't get notified only to read someone joking about your problem )

well, just the fact that you made this thread shows that you do put her on a pedestal. if she wants to be in a relationship, she'll be in one. she may not be ready for a while, or, your presence (or the presence of others) may bring that aspect out in her--she may realize that, yes, she does want one. 

other than that, the only thing you can do is... (cliche) be genuine.


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## birddog (Feb 18, 2013)

HA, thats funny. I should have titled the post more directly. Thanks for the constructive criticism. 

Im not sure that because i made the post that i have put her on a pedestal. I think you right in that it does show how much i do care. I guess the question is - at what point do you turn someone over to a pedestal ? how can you protect your heart, mind and emotions from making something into more than it truly is. I think the problem with the pedestal mind-set is that it sets subconscious expectations. It could make her feel like she needs to be something she is not. it suffocates. its sort of controlling in a way. From my perspective it takes an incredible amount of self-control to both appreciate and care for someone but at the same time maintain a cool head and heart about it. Maybe thats what you sensed. my lack of a cool head and heart. i think im feeling better today after some reflection and a bit of journaling. More questions than answers really. 

I appreciate the " if she wants to be in a relationship she will be in one " - its up to her, not what her friends say.

I really just would like to hang out and get to know her for real. who is this person.


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## All in Twilight (Oct 12, 2012)

You're overcomplicating things here. I've dated people who were considered to be unobtainable yada yada. Forget it, if I want something, I am going for it. 

A few things that you should keep in mind though.

- Be interesting, challenging and dare to make a fool out of yourself sometimes
- Be interested. Show her that you're truly interested by asking lots of questions. 
- No expectations and no strings attached. 
- Pedestal? Really now? Kick her off that thing RIGHT NOW. She needs someone to look up to. Be that person. 
- Be honest. Being honest exudes confidence. I keed you not.
- The fact that you're talking about other guys who pursued her makes me wonder if you see her as a trophy. A real woman hates that. Don't make her your trophy. Be better than that.
- Don't mention the word dating. I hate it as well. Be loose but show her that you have a serious side.
- Let her come to you sometimes. That way she and her intentions become easier to read.
- Kill the butterflies in your stomach sometimes, one by one with a samurai sword. They only prevent you to see her true nature.
- Be kind and affectionate. Very important. Forget about people who claim that being nice is related to the friendzone. Not true if you keep all of the above in mind.
- Be yourself.


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## birddog (Feb 18, 2013)

What does this look like Practically; 

- Pedestal? Really now? Kick her off that thing RIGHT NOW. She needs someone to look up to. Be that person.
- Let her come to you sometimes. That way she and her intentions become easier to read.
- Kill the butterflies in your stomach sometimes, one by one with a samurai sword. They only prevent you to see her true nature.


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## Kynx (Feb 6, 2012)

Don't deny or minimize her flaws/faults if she mentions them herself. I find that really off-putting, like he's falling for his own projection which I'm not able or interested in living up to.


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## snc1878 (Aug 22, 2010)

I am an INFP female, who has also had some not so great dating experiences and have typically been pretty cautious. And glad to hear you like an INFP, and I liked an ENFJ and had some good moments.

I think one of the best things you can do is to make her feeling comfortable and no pressure -- which probably means just acting like friends and inviting her out to group things or catching up with dinner or drinks. The minute you start looking or acting too interested might seem overwhelming. I ended up into my ENFJ after we had become friends and he showed his caring and support when I was dealing with some stuff. His persistence paid off...at least he would regularly invite me to things or he'd text or email amusing or witty things every so often. Then he was caring and checked in with me when he knew I was dealing with stuff, and that was what made my heart melt...that he was so caring...and once I discovered I could let him know about crying or let out stronger feelings with him also increased my sense of safety. I felt understood and calmed and his understanding took pressure off my own emotions and just a nice balance. 

I really was not interested in relationship with my ENFJ, but then he became such a dear friend and felt OK as friends for about a year, then when he showed his caring and slowly shared more personal stories and information about himself, I felt special to be his listener and touched by the things he would say....as I didn't know he was kind-of a softie like me...and having that mutual knowledge of each other's sensitivity and gentleness changed my feelings. But, if he would have rushed me or acted too hung up on me or interested, then would not have gone anywhere. I think for most all of us INFPs, who can be gentle, caring and have strong feelings or intuitions, feeling safe with our feelings and sharing them is one of the ultimate things we need in a relationship. And knowing you'll be there. Especially for those of us who have been hurt or our good nature walked on, we have more anxieties about trust. So just try to make her feel comfortable and be consistent. Also, we also did a lot of written correspondence, and that ended up being an ice breaker, since INFPs can sometimes clear our minds better or communicate better in writing, and feels safer at first to get closer that way.


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## birddog (Feb 18, 2013)

SO, Iv taken all you have said into consideration and i have made some strides with said INFP. 

A number of things are really interesting to me: 

A) she seems like she keeps me at arms length Like she wants to talk but doesn't ? sup with that? is that normal infp stuff, my insecurity or her attachment style ? ill get a text early in the morning. and very inconsistant communication other times. so ... weird ...

B) she is a people pleaser im not. but how in the world do you know when a people pleaser is actually genuine and when they are not ?

C) we do have many similarities and she is super fun to hang with as friends. i would like to get closer.

D) Maybe this is an NF thing, but we both are very connective with people. our schedules are always pact. im having a hard time finding time with her. how do you balance wanting to love everyone and making time for one? 


Being a person who understands situations and how to pull strings here and there is really tough for me. i want to plan my way to where i want to be. Its like if i dont have a plan i start to get anxious. Whats going on in my head - how can i encourage this situation ? how can i make this person feel more at ease ? how can i make this more comfortable. 

At the same time.... I need to pay attention to my needs. as a giving person. Some things im going through with specifically me. 

1) I need to make a decision about how much time i should spend on people, if they dont reciprocate i tend to feel like i should just move on. Which she has reciprocated just maybe not as quickly as i would like. Its like on the cusp of could be awesome but not quite yet.
2) I dont understand the space thing with INFP - i could talk forever. i am very consious about when and how to speak. im attempting to not be overwhelming. hahaha !
3) i give 0 fucks if this works out or not. but i really would like to see it work out. i swing like a pengalum between these two things. 


What do you all think ?


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## simply a dreamer (Jan 9, 2015)

I am an INFP female and what I find very attractive is a male who is someone who is on one hand strong, decisive, confident, assertive, friendly and bubbly, but humble, soft-hearted and empathetic on the other. Someone who is a strong leader and can lead me. I find it helps if he is open to admitting his weakness and insecurities (which shows confidence), but wants to work on them (which shows humility). The girl doesn't want to be put on a pedestal as she knows her own weaknesses and doesn't want you to realise the truth about her, so if there is a way you can show her that you accept her warts and all and that her faults are ok and part of what you love about her, then she will feel she can be herself.

If I were you I would be honest with her, tell her you really care about her and what your intentions are, that you would like to get together with her and go out with her. But tell her you understand what she has been through and that there is no pressure from your side and if she feels it's something she is game for she must let you go. Then give her her space completely to think about it as hard as that might be, no contact! Don't pester her as it shows signs of weakness and not confidence. Telling her straight shows signs of confidence, and giving her her space shows you genuinely care for her.

If the answer is no you will have to take it as no, but if she is game then be gentle and tender, but strong and lead, letting the relationship move at a pace she is comfortable with. I am pretty sure most INFP's will agree with me.

Good luck!


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## Recluse BrainStormer333 (Dec 25, 2014)

Looks, Money, Status - works for every type of girls.
For whoever thinks that this is an insult, calm down, it's just how it is -- it's an evolutionary and biologic trait.

The same with girls/women who want to know how to get a guy/man But this time, it is Looks and a bit of Money(for those types of guys who prefer girls for their money). Status doesn't play a big role here(maybe for very,very rare cases).


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## angelfish (Feb 17, 2011)

Recluse BrainStormer333 said:


> Looks, Money, Status - works for every type of girls.
> For whoever thinks that this is an insult, calm down, it's just how it is -- it's an evolutionary and biologic trait.
> 
> The same with girls/women who want to know how to get a guy/man But this time, it is Looks and a bit of Money(for those types of guys who prefer girls for their money). Status doesn't play a big role here(maybe for very,very rare cases).


I don't find it insulting, just poorly informed. It's unfortunate because there is such depth and individuality where relationship needs and desires are concerned. Money and status suggest security and good quality of life, yes, but they are not security or good quality of life. Looks suggests passion and attraction, but they are not passion and attraction. All women do not care about money or status. All women do care about security and quality of life, but what makes them feel secure or like they have a happy and meaningful life may vary widely between individuals. It's a hugely important distinction...



birddog said:


> *Questions for INFP's:*


I realize this is a bit of a necro - hope you got your girl, birddog - but the questions seem pertinent to me still, so I'll answer from my personal perspective.



> How can i pursue you without you feeling like your put on a pedestal ?


I feel like this is a subset of a really important relationship rule, which is to make the individual you are pursuing feel like you are genuinely interested in who they really are, not just who you want them to be. The problem with being put on a pedestal is it doesn't ring true... It feels like the other person is pursuing someone who is not you - like they're really just pursuing an ideal in their head projected onto you, which happens wayyyyy too often. The way to avoid this - the trap as a whole - is to pay attention to who the person really is as they are increasingly made known to you, and to genuinely seek their benefit in addition to your own. That means not ignoring their complaints about their self or downplaying their personal concerns, or trying to fit them into the mold of what you admire or are seeking.



> How can i practically get to know you without getting emotionally wrapped up in your feel-good nature.


A lot of times I feel like people are really willing to take me at positive-persona value, which in most cases is great because that's what I'm personally choosing to present to the world. I don't have any interest in sharing my personal struggles with most people and I like to leave a little light and warmth in their day if I can, or at least a little knowledge. That said, the people who I have really taken interest in romantically are the ones who have had the ability to look beyond that persona and see more of me and express interest in the sides I'm not showing. It demonstrates both intellect/depth and compassion. 



> B) she is a people pleaser im not. but how in the world do you know when a people pleaser is actually genuine and when they are not?


Well, to be fair, people pleasers can be habitually genuine. I am a people-pleaser _because_ I genuinely enjoy helping others. But I assume what's being asked here is how do you know that someone is being kind/warm to you because they really like you personally, versus because they are kind/warm to people in general, and the answer to that is probably how tailored and lingering their actions typically are. If I'm doing something friendly out of habit, I'll do it and be over with it, not really looking back. On the other hand, if I've really taken a shine to someone, then I'll check in with them, initiate with them, keep up with them, linger a little when I talk to them, try to run into them, and so on. 



> D) Maybe this is an NF thing, but we both are very connective with people. our schedules are always pact. im having a hard time finding time with her. how do you balance wanting to love everyone and making time for one?


Me personally, it's a big balancing game, and I prioritize. Significant other and family come first. I usually prioritize my SO but I make sure family gets enough, and if I haven't had enough time with them lately then SO gets bumped from the top of the list for a bit. Then comes school/career (which involves helping people, so that makes me happy), then hobbies and friends. I guess since I'm an introvert I am pretty satisfied with seeing my friends in substantial chunks every so often, and don't need to see them every day or even every week. Especially now that I am out of college, a lot of my friends live far away, so that life rhythm is slower and more casual, and I appreciate that. My best friend lives in another country entirely but I still feel like we are closer because of history and personal compatibility than so many others I see more frequently.


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## Recluse BrainStormer333 (Dec 25, 2014)

angelfish said:


> I don't find it insulting, just poorly informed. It's unfortunate because there is such depth and individuality where relationship needs and desires are concerned. Money and status suggest security and good quality of life, yes, but they are not security or good quality of life. Looks suggests passion and attraction, but they are not passion and attraction. All women do not care about money or status. All women do care about security and quality of life, but what makes them feel secure or like they have a happy and meaningful life may vary widely between individuals. It's a hugely important distinction...
> 
> .


98 % + women care and desire looks, money and status;
98 % + men care about looks, with a smaller percent who care about girls/women's money and a very, very small percent who care about status.

It's a biological,evolutionary thing in both genders. We(humans -- both genders) are just animals who are biologically programmed to want to have healthy, tall strong offsprings(that's where the desire to mate with the healthier,best looking mates in both genders comes from)
Besides their own happiness, people want to assure happines and safety into their offsprings' life(that's why the desire for money and status)
I could debate that a lot, but I'm too lazy and I don't see a meaning into debating something that it is how it is -- human nature.

To @birddog
1. If you have 7+/10 looks, well, that's a very good start;
2. Acquire money and status;
3. Once you get her, play( a bit, not to extremes) sociopath/phychopath/narcissist game in the relationship to keep her.
The experiences have shown that both genders have problems keeping the distance from a relationship with an abusive partner(sociopath/pshy./narciss.) Don't be a clingy, needy boy.


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## faithlynnlove (Aug 13, 2015)

:happy:


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