# This is so common, and yet, I can't get a straight forward answer



## Ligerman30 (Oct 23, 2013)

Ben8 said:


> Give me pragmatic way to stop comparing myself to other people and to love myself. Give me something I can apply to my life to help get rid of this habit. I am so competitive and I'm very hard on myself; I want a break from being like that. I care too much about how I am perceived. Any advice? Any experiences?


This may not be pragmatic, but it works for me. I do a lot of things that are often competitive in nature, MMA Fighting, Video Games, and card games among others. I felt the urge to always be the best at whatever I tried to do and you know what? I don't anymore. 
You don't need to be the best because _the_ best isn't always _your_ best. Sometimes people are just going to be better then you at certain things. While that certain person may be better at one thing, you may be better at another altogether different thing or in a different role of that same thing: your sparring partner may be better at wrestling then you, but you can still beat the crap out of him when boxing or maybe you are more knowledgeable about football then he is. Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses and the best thing to do is acknowledge it and move on; dwelling on your shortcomings is ultimately unproductive.


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## Aquamarine (Jul 24, 2011)

I can't really give you advice on that. I am like that as well, and I always felt that I cannot measure up to everybody else. One day, I just reached my tipping point and from then on I decided not to care anymore because I realise that those feelings were only tormenting me, not tormenting the other person.

Maybe you will stop caring too, when you reach the tipping point as well.


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## All in Twilight (Oct 12, 2012)

You learn to be competitive in school where you get grades. In school is where people are being compared, one child vs another child. You scored 90 points and that makes you intelligent and I only scored 45 points and that makes me stupid so you are worth more than me. Well, that is what they want you to believe of course and we do. And this process continues when you're trying to make a so called bloody career. 

So why is it that people compare? Can you look at the whole of it? When there is comparison, there must be dissatisfaction because it goes together with being judgmental and prejudiced. Do you understand this? Try to look at yourself and how you feel when you are comparing people, I don't think it makes you feel good and at peace because when you're doing all that, you're also being subconsciously judgmental and prejudiced toward yourself. When you are at peace, then you don't compare, you don't want to place people in little boxes and concepts, you can look at one individual at a time without judging them.


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## Aquamarine (Jul 24, 2011)

All in Twilight said:


> You learn to be competitive in school where you get grades. In school is where people are being compared, one child vs another child. You scored 90 points and that makes you intelligent and I only scored 45 points and that makes me stupid so you are worth more than me. Well, that is what they want you to believe of course and we do. And this process continues when you're trying to make a so called bloody career.
> 
> So why is it that people compare? Can you look at the whole of it? When there is comparison, there must be dissatisfaction because it goes together with being judgmental and prejudiced. Do you understand this? Try to look at yourself and how you feel when you are comparing people, I don't think it makes you feel good and at peace because when you're doing all that, you're also being subconsciously judgmental and prejudiced toward yourself. When you are at peace, then you don't compare, you don't want to place people in little boxes and concepts, you can look at one individual at a time without judging them.


Just have to say, I always find your advice great.


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## Terrabang (Dec 13, 2013)

This thread helped me quite a bit, since I am struggling with a very similar problem. I am also in first/second year of engineering as well (correct?). From what I hear, this is a very common problem, particularly at top-notch engineering universities. People are used to being valedictorian of their high school and they meet someone in college that has been working on the cure for cancer.

The question I have been asking myself lately: at what point would I be happy if I still can’t settle with an objectively decent result? I have to draw the line myself, not allow others to draw it for me. The line they are drawing is in my head and not theirs anyway.



Sovereign said:


> I'm also going to say that helping others isn't necessarily the way out. If you choose helping others, it should be because you feel the need, desire, responsibility, "calling" to do so, but are ignoring it. Helping others can be used much like drugs: as a distraction. Merely distracting yourself from your problems will not solve them unless the distraction itself is actually the solution.


It can also cause more problems, if you are using it to put down others in order to raise yourself up (e.g. tutor math to chortle at the easy SAT problems). 

I am still looking for a more permanent answer myself, so I will stay tuned to this thread.


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