# ESFJ or ENFJ?



## chadlinski (Sep 7, 2010)

Hey guys,
So I definitely know that I'm an ENFP, this is moreso trying to work out my mothers personality type.

Unfortunately I'm flat broke after travelling the world this past year so back at home at the moment, and finding it incredibly hard to deal with my mother, actually my whole family is struggling with her big time.

There is no way I would be able to get her to sit a personality test, my sister tried years ago, and I really can't be bothered getting into another pointless argument. I've predicted her to be either an ENFJ or ENFJ, I want to hear your thoughts, as it would be REALLY helpful for my entire family in how to deal with her!

- Extremely Emotional
- Very cynical
- Has no respect for my dad whatsoever, and treats him like a child also
- Is always right
- Is really big on having a 'communication book', but has never really pulled it off
- Does not like schedules to be broken
- Generally always starts the argument but wants to it be resolved, but not until she has made her point, over and over and over again
- Never listens to alternate opinion without interrupting
- Always trying to squeeze information out of people
- Always has to win an argument, and will chase people down just to make her point
- I believe has a low-self esteem, however will never admit to her own fault, goes into defense mode and accuses others of their own faults

although I have listed a number of negatives there are definitely positive:
- Very family focussed (well her side of the family anyway)
- Good at remembering birthdays, sending cards, giving phone calls etc
- I definitely appreciate her hugs and integrity
- Always ensure we have eaten proper meals (Definitely causes an argument with my ISTP brother)

I would definitely appreciate any help, or ideas of her personality type. I'm in the process of working out my entire families personality types and put my social sciences degree to good use. Thanks :wink:

Peace


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## Oleas (Jul 22, 2010)

Definitely an ESFJ, she's just like my mom, haha!


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## chadlinski (Sep 7, 2010)

Thanks Oleas, I'm definitely thinking is an esfj

For sure a concrete thinker, being an enfp I posed the question "If you could sit in on the service of any religious faith community apart from protestant christianity what would it be" ... Mum definitely seemed to take offense to it thinking I was knocking her faith asking "why would you want to do that?" and then I had a discussion about exploring and understanding other faiths which definitely seemed to go over her head. This whole islamaphobia business in the states definitely isn't helping me make my Mum openminded.

She then continued to try to make me feel guilty for playing the drums without realising she was still in the house, even though I had apologised and stopped hours before.

Just a typical dinner conversation in my household haha!


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## Oleas (Jul 22, 2010)

I feel your pain..... My mom (and yours too apparently) is the guilt trip queen. She also can't stand the idea that anyone could NOT share her beliefs and opinions, and that if they don't, then they're wrong.

She wants everyone around her to be what she calls "perfect" but no one can possibly meet her standards... It's amazing, the "positive things" you mentioned about her are the exact same I would've chosen as examples about my mom. She's very family oriented and thoughtful.

I think she's very insecure, which is why she needs other's affirmation... When she asks for my opinion, I tell the truth. For instance, when she asks what I think of her looks/clothes.. If I say something she doesn't like she'll go "Oh well, everyone said I looked beautiful today...". If I say "I love your clothes" (without her asking) she'll go "You're giving me a compliment for ONCE?? " like she can't even appreciate it and say Thanks. She's never satisfied.


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## chadlinski (Sep 7, 2010)

We TOTALLY have the same Mum!

what you just typed is word for word my Mum!

I'm finding she constantly compares our family to her friend family who are apparently 'perfect'

I'm always asked what I think of her doll collection, or her scrapbooking etc. and it's exactly the same results. She want's honesty but if its constructive criticism it's always "Well I like it this way"

She is really cynical however expects us to constantly give her positive affirmation

Does she give gifts or do favours for you but then expect something in the turn later down the track?
I bought my dad a packet of cookies for lending me his car, my Mum then found out and asked me where her present was!
Totally drives me insane.

It's definitely heart breaking for me that she's pushing my entire family away (my grandparents included), yet is in absolute denial that any of it is her fault.

I think we should be friends so we can nut this out together :wink:


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## Oleas (Jul 22, 2010)

WE TOTALLY DO, it's INSANE!

I don't know how to deal with her either.

The gift giving thing is EXACTLY it. I say I don't believe in giving gifts for Mother's Day, Father's Day and Valentine's day because those are very commercial celebrations (to each their own), and she gets really mad at me, even if I say "Happy Mother's Day" and give her a card. She WANTS a gift. She expects gifts, and doesn't really seem that happy when we give her any because she's so critical.

She also says I shouldn't compare myself to others when I go "But THEY do it too..." but every time I do something "wrong" she tells me about how her friend's daughters are different. I'm like whaaaaaat? lol It's crazy, really.

I accepted your request! Let's get through this together :laughing:


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## chadlinski (Sep 7, 2010)

HAHA ... this is hilarious!

My Mum is always comparing our family to her friends 'perfect' family, drives everyone insane!

Does your Mum frequently use the sayings "It's MY house", "Get out of that chair, its MY chair", "It's MY dog"(however constantly complains she's the only one who takes it for walks, and then reverts to "It's OUR dog".

Awesome, lets put our heads together and try to work it out :laughing:

Anyone else out there have an ESFJ mother? and if so how do you deal with it?


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## thegirlcandance (Jul 29, 2009)

chadlinski said:


> - Does not like schedules to be broken
> - Generally always starts the argument but wants to it be resolved, but not until she has made her point, over and over and over again
> - Never listens to alternate opinion without interrupting
> - Always trying to squeeze information out of people
> ...


Very ESFJ.... I've lived with two ESFJs and have ENFJ friends and there is a pretty significant difference. An ENFJ is very empathetic along with ESFJs, but ENFJs will break schedules if they believe it is for the betterment. They are not focused on schedules so much or TV shows or material items. ENFJs drive is mostly on making a difference and being the listening ear to other people.... they tend to be the most natural "mother" to me in that they are practically like the teacher and guide for everyone in a group.

ESFJs... can appear as a classic mother as well, but its not on that deeper level -- its more like in making sure everyone has their homework done and has their clothes ironed.


.... which personally, drives me crazy. I have an ISFJ mother so its similar stuff to deal with.


Thats kind of the downside to SJs in general is that if they do not push themselves to improve and make progress in their lives they easily fall into a "rut" and become bitter/cynical about middle-age. They seem to shine at an early age and get settled down with a job and marriage early because they really want that security but then eventually that catches up to them and then eventually all they do it feel like nothing in life is good enough for them. (And I'll note that's a very general statement, but I've seen it quite a bit... this is why I'm intuitively not always the happiest when I see a SFJ friend of mine get married young or settle with a career with little drive to ever change it because I can just visualize the storm a brewing...)


Wish I could tell you a good way to influence her out of her rut, but that's something I have tried time and time again with my ISFJ mother by saying things that would perhaps spark something but I have had no luck. The only thing I've realized with more age is that I am more of a mother to her than she was to me... on a deeper insightful manner.


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## chadlinski (Sep 7, 2010)

Is it out of character for an ESFJ to be running late for everything?
Me being an ENFP I'm ALWAYS late, or just in time for everything! ... It's interesting as the esfj is always mocking me saying I'm late for everything, while I agree i joke with them that they're always late to everything ... doesn't go down too well haha!


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## Functianalyst (Jul 23, 2009)

What do you mean by, "....finding it incredibly hard to deal with my mother, actually my whole family is struggling with her big time." Are you implying that she has worsened and acting out of character for even her? If so it may be that she is under stress for some reason, ergo any attempt to type her during that period will be completely erroneous since you may be typing based on seeing inferior functions at use. Also people who profess to knowing type and how to type others merely show their lack of knowing type when claiming their parents are some sort of SJ. Of course all parents act like some form of SJ, if they practice good parenting since SJ is the temperament that rules parenting among other things like corporate America, banking, etc. It's the institutional values that you may be observing your mom acting out at. The fact that she may be having an arduous time at doing right now should give you some indication that she is not any form of SJ.


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