# 18th birthday depressing me, I'm so far behind, can I ever recover?



## JTHearts (Aug 6, 2013)

Okay so I turn 18 this Saturday, and I feel so far behind my peers. At that age, people expect you to have been to parties, had your first kiss, have at least some friends (I have online friends and even an online girlfriend but no irl friends), be able to drive, had a boyfriend/girlfriend, had a sip of alcohol, and a lot of people even expect you to have lost your virginity, got a job, or tried drugs by then. I've done none of that. The only thing I'm not far behind in is education, since I almost have an Associates Degree already. But in a few years I'll be behind in education too, since I plan to get my Associates and then not go to a 4-year. I'm just too shy to function in the world. I see a therapist, but the only way it helps is by giving me someone outside of my family to talk to occasionally. I also see a psychiatrist, and the meds help some, but not a lot. Once I was in a fight with my parents and I heard my dad complain to my mom when they were talking that "He acts like he's 12!" A doctor once told me (after doing a lot of testing) that I perceive and comprehend the world much in the way a 6 year old does. Like I can't even follow basic instructions unless they're very detailed and step-by-step. It just makes me so jealous of the other people my age who seem to be able to function well socially and I can't. I'm just sitting here, existing,while a lot of people my age are working, getting ready for a 4 year college, doing things with their friends, and going to parties and stuff. I really want to have a family someday, you know a wife and kids and a house and all that, but if I can't stop being so shy that'll never happen. Am I stuck like this forever?


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## donkeybals (Jan 13, 2011)

I doubt it, you are still very young. But the question is, what's holding you back really? You don't have to be shy, I like a lot of shy people anyway, and you seem like a good person. Education is good man!


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## JTHearts (Aug 6, 2013)

donkeybals said:


> I doubt it, you are still very young. But the question is, what's holding you back really? You don't have to be shy, I like a lot of shy people anyway, and you seem like a good person. Education is good man!


I hear that a lot, about people liking shy people, and how shy people can have friends, but for me, that just hasn't been true. It's like no one wants to be around me. No one ever approaches me first, and I'm too afraid to approach them.


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## Stribog (Jul 13, 2012)

You talk of shy people as if it is a disease one has; shy people are people who are just shy - people, period - equal, period. Based on how articulate and reflective you are, you're the type that *CAN* improve. You have the tools in the toolbox to fix nasty developed social habits, you've just got to exercise these tools (How just to do that - well - that's what your therapist is for) Bro, if you're that passionate about getting better, you will.


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## donkeybals (Jan 13, 2011)

john.thomas said:


> I hear that a lot, about people liking shy people, and how shy people can have friends, but for me, that just hasn't been true. It's like no one wants to be around me. No one ever approaches me first, and I'm too afraid to approach them.


Well, essentially, I approached you first in this thread, and a lot of people in these threads have approached you in these threads? To be approached, you have to be willing to approach others. 

I get approached pretty frequently, perhaps since I don't mind much if they approach me, and they don't mind much if I approach them. Perhaps start out slow? Just say hi, to someone you find friendly and that could be the end of it. Than say hi to the next, and build upon it. You'll be alright all you have to do is make an effort, and not care that much if you make a mistake. Get out of your comfort zone.... people make mistakes.


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## 1000BugsNightSky (May 8, 2014)

Im 18, and havent done many of those either. You may think you are behind, but so are /MANY/ other people too. You are still young. The difference is it that they are confident in how they are and confidence makes you look like "normal"(it makes up for stuff). So dont present yourself as super insecure in these types of social events. You don't have to tell anyone you have never experienced those, when you are just meeting them. If you do, that's ok too! But know that others wont see you as you do and won't know unless you tell them, for the most part. Dont let your 'inexperience' bug you down.If you feel pressured to engage in a type of activity, but are uncomfortable, say no and move on. And dont show that you are surprised if others have. Act normal and natural and people wont think anything of you. Even if you do come off as shy, chances are they won't think anything. Like my teacher always said, "we are our own worst critics". Try not to feel bad about it.  It is COMPLETELY OK!

On making friends, since you almost have your associates's, are you in college? If you just started (actually when you started doesnt even matter), talk to the person sitting next to you! If you are in highschool, college will be your chance to time to break free from your self image and past history.
College students are VERY friendly and are also looking for new friends. Sample conversation that almost always works:
-Hi, Im _____.
-hi i am ____. Nice to meet you!
-Nice to meet you too. What are you majoring in?
-_______. You?
-That's interesting! Why did you choose that major? Im majorig in______.
...
Always remeber to smile. Do this a lot, and someone is bound to at least become friends in class with you. Sit by friendly people!

Good luck and it will get better!!


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## Lemxn (Aug 17, 2013)

You have to forget about social rules like "At the age of..., you have to be...and at the age of...." blah blah. You have your times and experience the world in a different way and as you can. I start to really living the life after my 20, that's when I started to experience things. When I was your age, or even more teenager I tought and asked the same things as you. If you keep thinking about what the society expect from you, you are lost. Relax because you are young.


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## Lord Bullingdon (Aug 9, 2014)

I'm thirty-something and I'm in the same position as the OP. I _wish_ I were 18 again! To me, you look like you have all the potential of youth, and I'm actually jealous of you. 

Think about that one.


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## ae1905 (Jun 7, 2014)

Age is your friend and your enemy: your friend because you're young and have your life in front of you; your enemy because you're inexperienced and don't know the ways of the world. But you will learn. The most important things at your age are education and finding the work you wish to do in life. It sounds like you've taken the steps to secure your education. Have you thought about the kind of work you want to do? What work experience do you have?

I think you've mentioned before that you are religious. Do you attend a church or service regularly? What are your relationships with people there like? I don't go to church but I know they can be excellent places to make friends or just socialize.

As for the things you haven't done, those are the things 17 and 18 year olds think are important, but they are just as inexperienced in life as you. They haven't gone to college, found work, established careers, married, had kids, bought a house, and so on. Better to ask people who _have _done those things what is important. I doubt you'll find many who will list sipping alcohol or even a gf as the most important things at your age. There's plenty of time for that. So try to ignore what your peers might say. Talk to older people who've been there, but who have also lived more than your peers have. Look at the bigger picture.


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## skyrimorchestra (Jul 23, 2014)

You're not. You're not. I promise. I didn't get my first job 'til I was 22. I still don't have my driver's license. I don't have any education. I had such hopes and dreams, too! I was miserable because I thought I wasn't living up to what I _could_ be. I had _visions_, man. Future-visions shit. Like, seeing myself in the military and really _making a difference_. I've never been in a real relationship. I'm not ready for it. Maybe I never will be. I thought I would die alone in a basement as a forgotten brain in the dark. Honestly, some people just take longer than others. Especially when all of that down time is being used to heal and grow. You need to have some compassion for yourself. You're learning, you're existing, you're breathing. Promise.


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## FearAndTrembling (Jun 5, 2013)

Nobody is behind anything at 18. Though there is a risk here, I doubt it will happen. 

I have seen many people go to college who never really partied, and were sheltered. These are some of the people that can go the baddest. Because it is their first freedom really. It's actually a cliche. Sheltered kid never got drunk or went to a party before, and falls out a ten story window first time he does. Obviously an extreme case, but I have seen many dropouts over this. Kids flunk out you would never expect, because of it. I doubt that will happen to you. But it can be anarchy. 

You can get isolated at college quickly, too. Nobody really knows anybody at first, so social circles are formed, and you can find yourself left out if you don't find a group. It's harder to join one later.


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## Razare (Apr 21, 2009)

You write well enough, so I wouldn't take the doctor's comment to heart because on this forum at least, you seem like an adult.

Besides, some six year olds are more mature than many adults you'll meet in the world out there. Some people become less mature as they age.


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## 1000BugsNightSky (May 8, 2014)

On driver's liscense-- 
It seemed like a big deal in HS, but as soon as you get into college, It doesnt matter! (unless you are not living on campus, or some other special circumstance, then it depends!)
I haven't even used it once since college started. My roommate doesnt even have hers! What I am saying is that once you get into college, things like this wont matter. You can make it through this one last year. Dont be ashamed of what you have not done. Be proud of what you have! You have many years ahead of you.


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## Psychophant (Nov 29, 2013)

I would try to start measuring yourself by your own standards and not society's. Based on all the posts you've made here, it seems like you do the latter quite often, and it doesn't appear to be making you happy. I turned 20 this year and a lot of what you listed is true for me as well, and it's not the end of the world. For one, you're still a teenager, so you have plenty of time to experience all those things and figure yourself out. Of course 18 sounds old now, but in another few years you'll realize that it's really not. Also, drinking and smoking aren't really major rites of passage that one must experience before a certain age. Plenty of people never touch either, though it's certainly not hard to dabble in that stuff if you want to. As far as education goes, you're still doing better than many, and I imagine that will be a pretty great asset later on. Anyway, I empathize with you on feeling way behind the curve on social skills, and all I can say is that your failings thus far are sunk costs. Dwelling on them is useless and silly since you can't get that time back and have plenty of time ahead.


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## Hollow Man (Aug 12, 2011)

Hang in there. It took me awhile to get into those kinds of things too for many reasons. Some nature, some nurture, some both of them mixed together.

I was shy and quite awkward, and I definitely process information in a different way than others. Sometimes it can be seen as a slow. Idiosyncratic at best, stupid or weird (not in the good way) at worse.

At the time I wanted to be cool, but I was sheltered by my parents as well. What got me through was I kind of accepted not being like a regular average kid. I was fine with being with whoever would be nice to me, and I wanted to be nice to whoever I could be nice to as well without getting too involved unless we really connected. I was able to connect with some people sometimes. I had a few good close old friends as well, and it helped me to work a part-time job where a lot of peers my age worked in late high school and college. I connected with people at a job because I saw them regularly and we became comfortable with each other...we kind of had to talk to each other to pass the time at work.

Sometimes it's better to avoid drugs and alcohol because they do become addictive substances and can be the down-fall of a person. Maybe you are a dodging a bullet? Though, I understand that these activities are what average teenagers engage in for rowdy fun or whatever, but it's kind of over-rated anyways. It's better to actually connect with someone without these things and to maybe even learn stuff and information about life and what's important. There's a lot of ways you can enjoy and value life, and it seems like connecting with others is important to you. 

I didn't kiss a girl until I was 18 going on 19. I still haven't went all the way with anyone and I am in my late 20s. I have fear of being intimate with a woman(going all the way), and telling that to some of my guy-friends, would make them think I am insane or it makes them get all quiet around me. Talking about psychological issues tends to do that with others. :laughing:


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## ForestPaix (Aug 30, 2014)

Dude, I'm 18 in a couple of days, I'm a virgin, the only alcohol I've had is communion wine, I can't drive, I'm still pretty shy myself.
I doubt any of the people your own age, are thinking about you, and how far behind you are, they've got their own worries. As for your dad, well, you probably do act like a 12 year old. My sister is 21, and she acts like she's 15 most of the time. I often act immaturely. Tip: When an adult is giving you advice, don't laugh nervously, cause that's immature, just nod and say, yes.


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## JTHearts (Aug 6, 2013)

Thanks everyone. The main problem isn't that I'm worried about other people thinking I'm behind, it's that it frustrates me that I am behind by my own standards, and I can't see any way to make up for it. Today I heard this guy talking about how people throw parties at this one park and it made me feel like I was such an outcast, I've never even been to any party and other people around my age (this guy was probably only a couple of years older than me) know what's going on all the time. Then in speech class we did this checklist on when you should tell people things, and there was a column for romantic partners and friends, and I don't know why but I just had a terrible feeling like I have no way to get either of those things. I tried joining a youth group at church, but there isn't many people there and the leaders are very scattered (in terms of planning and events and things) so it's not like it's anything I would be able to meet a lot of people at. I've decided I might join a dating site and try to meet people in my area sometime after I turn 18, would that be a good idea?


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## jamaix (Sep 20, 2013)

I don't know about the dating site, but I'm sure you'll get opportunities to meet girls in the future. You're just 18, and have plenty of time. My son had his first girlfriend when he was about your age. My daughter didn't start dating until she was 19. You have plenty of time. Plus, it's more important to find the right person to date than to just date for the sake of dating.

Hope you had a really nice birthday!


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## Hollow Man (Aug 12, 2011)

Happy belated birthday!


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## Stelmaria (Sep 30, 2011)

Lemxn said:


> You have to forget about social rules like "At the age of..., you have to be...and at the age of...." blah blah. You have your times and experience the world in a different way and as you can. I start to really living the life after my 20, that's when I started to experience things. When I was your age, or even more teenager I tought and asked the same things as you. If you keep thinking about what the society expect from you, you are lost. Relax because you are young.


I agree.

We all take different journeys through life. Some start out early, but stick around in the same town all their life. Others get started late, but continue to explore late. It sounds a little cliche, but try to find that which excites you and take a leap in that direction. Don't worry about keeping score.


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## JTHearts (Aug 6, 2013)

@_Slogo_ thanks lol 

I joined a dating site and so far there has only been ONE girl who I am interested in who seems genuinely interested in me. I've messaged quite a few, and a few of those have responded, but I think they were just responding to be nice. Anyway, the girl who seems really interested in me gave me her phone number and we plan to go on a date soon, but I feel like I annoy her D: I don't know what to say that isn't small talk. I text her "How was your day?" "What are your plans for tomorrow?" stuff like that. She's an INTJ and I feel like she must get super bored of all that. What could I talk about? I honestly have no idea what to say that wouldn't be considered small talk


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## 1000BugsNightSky (May 8, 2014)

john.thomas said:


> @_Slogo_ thanks lol
> 
> I joined a dating site and so far there has only been ONE girl who I am interested in who seems genuinely interested in me. I've messaged quite a few, and a few of those have responded, but I think they were just responding to be nice. Anyway, the girl who seems really interested in me gave me her phone number and we plan to go on a date soon, but I feel like I annoy her D: I don't know what to say that isn't small talk. I text her "How was your day?" "What are your plans for tomorrow?" stuff like that. She's an INTJ and I feel like she must get super bored of all that. What could I talk about? I honestly have no idea what to say that wouldn't be considered small talk


I always have this problem too, but foreign countries, cultures, and travel is always a safe topic. Ask her about her interests, and see if you share any. 
Biggest advice: Be yourself, and try to be confident! 

Good luck!


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## Hollow Man (Aug 12, 2011)

@_john.thomas_ 

Ask her questions about things she's interested in(based on her dating profile perhaps), and what she does...maybe why she's interested in things. People liked to be asked questions, and as an ESFJ, you may like to listen as well....I know I like to listen (most of the time), and it has been helpful for me at times in dating. 

Or also, if something reminds you of her during the day(while you're thinking/doing something else), remember it and mention that to her and even ask a question/send a message that's relevant but not too clingy(though be a bit romantic though or fun). This helps me as well.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

john.thomas said:


> Okay so I turn 18 this Saturday, and I feel so far behind my peers. At that age, people expect you to have been to parties, had your first kiss, have at least some friends (I have online friends and even an online girlfriend but no irl friends), be able to drive, had a boyfriend/girlfriend, had a sip of alcohol, and a lot of people even expect you to have lost your virginity, got a job, or tried drugs by then. I've done none of that. The only thing I'm not far behind in is education, since I almost have an Associates Degree already. But in a few years I'll be behind in education too, since I plan to get my Associates and then not go to a 4-year. I'm just too shy to function in the world. I see a therapist, but the only way it helps is by giving me someone outside of my family to talk to occasionally. I also see a psychiatrist, and the meds help some, but not a lot. Once I was in a fight with my parents and I heard my dad complain to my mom when they were talking that "He acts like he's 12!" A doctor once told me (after doing a lot of testing) that I perceive and comprehend the world much in the way a 6 year old does. Like I can't even follow basic instructions unless they're very detailed and step-by-step. It just makes me so jealous of the other people my age who seem to be able to function well socially and I can't. I'm just sitting here, existing,while a lot of people my age are working, getting ready for a 4 year college, doing things with their friends, and going to parties and stuff. I really want to have a family someday, you know a wife and kids and a house and all that, but if I can't stop being so shy that'll never happen. Am I stuck like this forever?


Behind what? Why are you comparing yourself to others? Everyone grows at their own rate. A lot of us are "late bloomers."


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## Jonn (Mar 17, 2014)

@john.thomas
I'm going to be 20 this summer.
I haven't finished highschool. In fact I started this year as freshman in highschool. I'll be 22 when I get out of highschool.
And if things continue as they do now. I might not get into the university I'd like, neither will I go to university before I'm 24.
Currently Im residing with my parents, their behavior is somewhat different from mine, they are very aggressive in behavior. Much more like Bulldogs. It really makes my mind trip sometimes, a feeling I know most and especially myself dislikes.

Bro. You're 18, you've got a life in front of you. You're far ahead, but perhaps your nearby environment presents a different view to you. If I could give you any advice. Read the short story "the egg" it might be religious, it might be strange, but it is very valid for you.
We're all just 1 out of everyone in the world. We don't feel useful, special or very lucky at all.
But in fact nobody could be more luck, more special or more useful than us. You're 18 bro, I'm 20. You're a wonder by far


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## Ollyx2OxenFree (Feb 2, 2012)

It's not too late. I'm behind too and I'm 21. I have a feeling things are going to speed up for me soon.

Oh and you sound like your dominant instinct is social, enneagram-wise. Not that I can strongly relate, I can a bit but I'm more optimistic about it. You're more ahead of me school-wise and I've been in school since I was 18, so there's that.


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## Sirius Black (Sep 28, 2014)

john.thomas said:


> Okay so I turn 18 this Saturday, and I feel so far behind my peers. At that age, people expect you to have been to parties, had your first kiss, have at least some friends (I have online friends and even an online girlfriend but no irl friends), be able to drive, had a boyfriend/girlfriend, had a sip of alcohol, and a lot of people even expect you to have lost your virginity, got a job, or tried drugs by then. I've done none of that. The only thing I'm not far behind in is education, since I almost have an Associates Degree already. But in a few years I'll be behind in education too, since I plan to get my Associates and then not go to a 4-year. I'm just too shy to function in the world. I see a therapist, but the only way it helps is by giving me someone outside of my family to talk to occasionally. I also see a psychiatrist, and the meds help some, but not a lot. Once I was in a fight with my parents and I heard my dad complain to my mom when they were talking that "He acts like he's 12!" A doctor once told me (after doing a lot of testing) that I perceive and comprehend the world much in the way a 6 year old does. Like I can't even follow basic instructions unless they're very detailed and step-by-step. It just makes me so jealous of the other people my age who seem to be able to function well socially and I can't. I'm just sitting here, existing,while a lot of people my age are working, getting ready for a 4 year college, doing things with their friends, and going to parties and stuff. I really want to have a family someday, you know a wife and kids and a house and all that, but if I can't stop being so shy that'll never happen. Am I stuck like this forever?


I see you have problem with social. Somewhat being different in social. You're just want to be like other person you see but you notice that you have different opinion to do in life.

You have a great future, dude. In your age, you even think about your education. That's a positive from you. And you have a caring dad and mom. I think that's a gift for you. You can learn many things from your parents. I know you gonna change someday, but just look forward and do what you have to do with your ability right now. You have a great world, maybe you just don't know about it  I see you have many positives in your condition


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## Brian1 (May 7, 2011)

When you're 30, people expect you to have a graduate degree. Will you? As Jackson Browne, the greatest philosopher on the planet once said, "running into the Sun, but, I'm running behind, you know I don't even know what I'm hoping to find." And that's the crux of existence. I saw my first concert, The Crash Test Dummies, when I was 21. I said fuck you US government, and held out on registering for the Selective Service, until about 23 or 24. I lost my virginity, at 20, it was awkward sex. I need to shy away from too much alcohol, and didn't have my first drink till 20. I don't have a driver's licence. Peoples life stories are similar, but they are unique. That said, get a job. Yes, the economic conditions make it difficult, but, getting a job is different, than losing your virginity. You can lose your virginity at any age. Life, however, requires you to be self sufficient. And if you want sex with a girl, women love men who have money, and are trying to better themselves, rather than being a douche, sitting at home, living off mom, playing video games till the sun comes up. Don't do drugs. You don't want to start smoking, because, you'll never quit. Lots of my friends, and family members have a hard time quitting. At best, choose fast food as your drug. Also, teenagers, and adults, who pick up smoking, are doing it as a reaction to something, mainly the stupidity of the teachers, their insufferable home life, all drugs, whether it is a soda, cigarette, alcohol, pot, cocaine, everything is made as an escape from the hell that's going on in your real life. If your life is fine, you don't need to start using that stuff. Normal teenagers just want to experiment with life, because a lot of this stuff is new. No one expects you to get laid with the cheerleader, people do that though, because their raging hormones are new, and they want to satisfy their curiosity. That's all these early milestones are, satisfying your curiosity. 
Above all, don't compare yourself to your peers.



john.thomas said:


> Okay so I turn 18 this Saturday, and I feel so far behind my peers. At that age, people expect you to have been to parties, had your first kiss, have at least some friends (I have online friends and even an online girlfriend but no irl friends), be able to drive, had a boyfriend/girlfriend, had a sip of alcohol, and a lot of people even expect you to have lost your virginity, got a job, or tried drugs by then. I've done none of that. The only thing I'm not far behind in is education, since I almost have an Associates Degree already. But in a few years I'll be behind in education too, since I plan to get my Associates and then not go to a 4-year. I'm just too shy to function in the world. I see a therapist, but the only way it helps is by giving me someone outside of my family to talk to occasionally. I also see a psychiatrist, and the meds help some, but not a lot. Once I was in a fight with my parents and I heard my dad complain to my mom when they were talking that "He acts like he's 12!" A doctor once told me (after doing a lot of testing) that I perceive and comprehend the world much in the way a 6 year old does. Like I can't even follow basic instructions unless they're very detailed and step-by-step. It just makes me so jealous of the other people my age who seem to be able to function well socially and I can't. I'm just sitting here, existing,while a lot of people my age are working, getting ready for a 4 year college, doing things with their friends, and going to parties and stuff. I really want to have a family someday, you know a wife and kids and a house and all that, but if I can't stop being so shy that'll never happen. Am I stuck like this forever?


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## Zyranne (Oct 15, 2014)

Oh my god, you have no idea how much I relate to this. You sound just like me. I just turned 18 over a month ago. I'm a virgin, been drunk once when I was forced to be (drinking alcohol is difficult with a vomit phobia) never been kissed, never been in a relationship, and I also have no interest in the things my peers are interested in, like getting a car and parties. However, unlike you, I'm very behind in my education, too. 

I just feel so very different. I feel like I've wasted my entire adolescence. 

My advice to you: don't feel like you have to do of what's expected of you. Be yourself. Do what *you *like rather than what the others like. Find some hobbies, and carry on with what you're doing at school, at least you will be successful.


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## JTHearts (Aug 6, 2013)

Thanks everyone  And yeah, I am a social dominant in enneagram. I realized today that my clinginess (feeling like I have to talk to people all the time, texting them every day, etc.) drives people away. I made a friend in fall 2013 but I think she stopped talking to me because I tried to talk to her too much  Any tips on how to get over clinginess?


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## Gentleman (Jun 14, 2014)

I'm nearly twenty-one, a high school dropout, and I've never had a job nor a romantic relationship. I've also only got one family member left on the planet, and I was legally robbed.

So my vomit is worse than your shit.

How do you know that she's an INTJ? If she is, ask her about her political/religious views, then have an objective analytical discussion about that. Also discuss your career and your life philosophy. Exchange ideas. Show her how you will exert your will onto the world.


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## William I am (May 20, 2011)

john.thomas said:


> @_Slogo_ thanks lol
> 
> I joined a dating site and so far there has only been ONE girl who I am interested in who seems genuinely interested in me. I've messaged quite a few, and a few of those have responded, but I think they were just responding to be nice. Anyway, the girl who seems really interested in me gave me her phone number and we plan to go on a date soon, but I feel like I annoy her D: I don't know what to say that isn't small talk. I text her "How was your day?" "What are your plans for tomorrow?" stuff like that. She's an INTJ and I feel like she must get super bored of all that. What could I talk about? I honestly have no idea what to say that wouldn't be considered small talk


My experience with dating sites is that if women aren't interested, they do not reply at all.
Congrats on the date though. 2 years on okcupid here and I just deleted my account. I got 1 date in all that time. 

Why do you feel like you annoy her?

My advice is ask her this "What's your dream job?" or "What's one thing you want to do in your lifetime?" or "What's the most awesome thing you've ever done?"

You've got to dig past the small talk. Or maybe just wait for the date to try to get to know her. You don't have to text her frequently at all, really. Just keep in touch every few days.


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## Black Rabbit (Apr 15, 2010)

john.thomas said:


> Okay so I turn 18 this Saturday, and I feel so far behind my peers. At that age, people expect you to have been to parties, had your first kiss, have at least some friends (I have online friends and even an online girlfriend but no irl friends), be able to drive, had a boyfriend/girlfriend, had a sip of alcohol, and a lot of people even expect you to have lost your virginity, got a job, or tried drugs by then. I've done none of that. The only thing I'm not far behind in is education, since I almost have an Associates Degree already. But in a few years I'll be behind in education too, since I plan to get my Associates and then not go to a 4-year. I'm just too shy to function in the world. I see a therapist, but the only way it helps is by giving me someone outside of my family to talk to occasionally. I also see a psychiatrist, and the meds help some, but not a lot. Once I was in a fight with my parents and I heard my dad complain to my mom when they were talking that "He acts like he's 12!" A doctor once told me (after doing a lot of testing) that I perceive and comprehend the world much in the way a 6 year old does. Like I can't even follow basic instructions unless they're very detailed and step-by-step. It just makes me so jealous of the other people my age who seem to be able to function well socially and I can't. I'm just sitting here, existing,while a lot of people my age are working, getting ready for a 4 year college, doing things with their friends, and going to parties and stuff. I really want to have a family someday, you know a wife and kids and a house and all that, but if I can't stop being so shy that'll never happen. Am I stuck like this forever?


John, take a look at history - you'll notice most assertions made seem foolhardy in years of retrospect. Our leading physicians thought lobotomy was the most brilliant surgical procedure ever - it's horrifying to think how today's leading minds could be just as blind.

With that said, don't take stock in what others say or others are doing. Even if they are certified. Trust yourself, trust your gut. Find out who you really are, but make sure only you make those definitions. And be at peace with whatever you find.


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## JTHearts (Aug 6, 2013)

@Stampede

I'm not completely sure she's an INTJ, but that's what it said on her profile (She might have just taken a test like once so it may be inaccurate) but that's what I'm guessing right now. She seems to have those kind of interests you were talking about too, thanks everyone for giving me some good ideas that aren't small talk


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## yet another intj (Feb 10, 2013)

john.thomas said:


> Okay so I turn 18 this Saturday, and I feel so far behind my peers. At that age, people expect you to have been to parties, had your first kiss, have at least some friends (I have online friends and even an online girlfriend but no irl friends), be able to drive, had a boyfriend/girlfriend, had a sip of alcohol, and a lot of people even expect you to have lost your virginity, got a job, or tried drugs by then.


None of those "achievements" are positive or negative as what they are. You can be arrested while innocently trying to enjoy a party, contracted by herpes after having your first kiss, swarmed by people with serious personality disorders by having a little too many friends or die in a terrible car accident... And... Like the King Mongkut of Siam said: Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. I, for one, never personally know a person who managed to experience those things with naivete without losing anything. So many of them are glorifying their acts with mediocre results as finally being a member of whatever group. Which is stupid yet acceptable from my perspective as a defense mechanism to rationalize their obvious mistakes for moving on. Unfortunately, there's no way to practically use those experiences. Some of those people immediately suffered from traumas and demonized neutral concepts for the rest of their lives and some others simply lost their sense of responsibility by evolving into dopamine chasers. By the way, I never truly understood the beneficial effect of losing your virginity and abusing alcohol/drugs as soon as possible.



john.thomas said:


> I've done none of that.


So what? There are millions of other things that you never did. You are a human being with his own reasons, needs and progress.



john.thomas said:


> The only thing I'm not far behind in is education, since I almost have an Associates Degree already. But in a few years I'll be behind in education too, since I plan to get my Associates and then not go to a 4-year.


Again... It's your own choice and simply doing/not doing this and that can't make you a better/worse person.



john.thomas said:


> I'm just too shy to function in the world.


Well... This is my instant reaction as an introvert.










Being shy? You have no idea. Even I'm somewhat capable of interacting with society. You are an extrovert and that's not an excuse to sabotage yourself.



john.thomas said:


> I see a therapist, but the only way it helps is by giving me someone outside of my family to talk to occasionally. I also see a psychiatrist, and the meds help some, but not a lot.


Finding a good therapist is very, very hard and psychiatrists are mostly operating like licensed drug dealers unless you are suffering from a serious disorder/pathological anomaly.



john.thomas said:


> Once I was in a fight with my parents and I heard my dad complain to my mom when they were talking that "He acts like he's 12!" A doctor once told me (after doing a lot of testing) that I perceive and comprehend the world much in the way a 6 year old does.


Dude... It's just a phase... They will make ridiculous mistakes and fail with their fortified denials, you will achieve some other unexpected, small yet important things and impress them in future. You are an ESFJ and nobody can judge you just because who you are. They can try to "correct" your particular opinions and they can be right sometimes. They can be also confusing to make you think outside the box, twice. After all, it's your life but they still have the right for manipulating it. Which is something different than simply controlling it for sure. You already manipulated their lives by being born, right?



john.thomas said:


> Like I can't even follow basic instructions unless they're very detailed and step-by-step.


Me too... Only difference is that I'm always willing to refine/perfect those instructions, instead of simply doing my job. Which is making me feel useless just like you because I'm wasting too much time and nobody gives a flying fuck about my methods. There's no need to feel depressed about that... Unless, you are an ISTP. Bloody wrenchslingers don't need any instructions. They already have instincts to follow.



john.thomas said:


> It just makes me so jealous of the other people my age who seem to be able to function well socially and I can't.


Excuse me... But... Who the fuck is "society"? Is it a group of elites or something? You are a part of society and you don't have to prove anything... At least not right here, right now. Just love yourself and live your own life with it's natural timing and discoveries.



john.thomas said:


> I'm just sitting here, existing,while a lot of people my age are working, getting ready for a 4 year college, doing things with their friends, and going to parties and stuff.


Unlike you... Cluelessly... I don't know why you are so willing to demonize your self awareness. There's no pure joy in life. All those things have bright and dark sides. First, you have to accept that nothing can "make you a man" like a magic wand. It's nothing but your own delusions and self worth issue.



john.thomas said:


> I really want to have a family someday, you know a wife and kids and a house and all that, but if I can't stop being so shy that'll never happen.


Nothing never happens... Shit happens... You will see.



john.thomas said:


> Am I stuck like this forever?


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## Hollow Man (Aug 12, 2011)

It isn't always bad-ish to be clingy and to be in contact. It's probably good to find someone who appreciates it to a certain degree (frequent texts and talking everyday multiple times and cares about the social instinct as well, how they're perceived in a group or status wise). Maybe part of the secret is finding validation from yourself, what you do, and life in general instead of looking for a lot of validation from a romantic interest. When someone is clingy, I kind of think of it as one person is always saying or wants "tell me that you love me" or one is asking for too much from the other. It's great to appreciate a person for what they are and they do as well, and to think of and plan common activities with each other....while giving some space for each of you to enjoy your individual interests that make you and her be yourselves.


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## rDaneel (Jul 18, 2013)

[imo] People, if a pro sketcher sees a Chinese kid who draws objectively better than him, he'll feel annoyed/disappointed _for a while_. If that sketcher has to see the Chinese kid everyday, he may get even frustrated.

So if a 18yo guy sees that his own group of peers is objectively better in social life ("any" is objectively better than "none"), that guy has the right to feel sad. Thought people sometimes feel sad for no (apparent) reason too, and they still have the right of feel like it.

The good thing is that this "problem" is solvable (actually is a fact, but through the guy point of view is a problem), and probably will. Also, once a problem is solved the perspective changes and (when bad feels go away) the previous "problem" seems a bullshit.


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## JTHearts (Aug 6, 2013)

Slogo said:


> It isn't always bad-ish to be clingy and to be in contact. It's probably good to find someone who appreciates it to a certain degree (frequent texts and talking everyday multiple times and cares about the social instinct as well, how they're perceived in a group or status wise). Maybe part of the secret is finding validation from yourself, what you do, and life in general instead of looking for a lot of validation from a romantic interest. When someone is clingy, I kind of think of it as one person is always saying or wants "tell me that you love me" or one is asking for too much from the other. It's great to appreciate a person for what they are and they do as well, and to think of and plan common activities with each other....while giving some space for each of you to enjoy your individual interests that make you and her be yourselves.


That's my problem though, I haven't yet found anyone who likes my clinginess. I thought by now I would have found another clingy person, but I haven't. I don't think what I do is even too bad either, compared to some people, but it drives everyone away. And yeah, I wish I knew how to get validation from myself but I don't know how.


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## Hollow Man (Aug 12, 2011)

john.thomas said:


> That's my problem though, I haven't yet found anyone who likes my clinginess. I thought by now I would have found another clingy person, but I haven't. I don't think what I do is even too bad either, compared to some people, but it drives everyone away. And yeah, I wish I knew how to get validation from myself but I don't know how.


Online dating is really tough man, too. I've given up on it myself, and I find that it's easiest for me to meet girls that I find in real life from social things, work, or common friends. It's tough for me to find women though that I am really interested in dating. I don't really actively try to do it....when someone like me does, I fall flat on my face. I try to be real with the women I meet in real life, and if I see that she's open to flirting, sharing, and that kind of thing, I will go for it and play along. I am not good at bull-shititing and making myself seem all great (that's what a lot of great men daters are in my opinion, sorry guise), so if I see a woman is open to talking to me and is kind. I'll take it as a sign I can go to the next level if I am interested. Half the battle is done when I know that someone is at least slightly interested in me and is open to talking. 

I get validation from myself by getting projects done, enjoying life, and improving upon things. Also, I like to start social things with friends too, that makes me feel really good....maybe preparing food. It's all in doing a lot of little things for me, and doing things with good intentions without forcing myself into it.


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## 66393 (Oct 17, 2013)

yet another intj said:


> Well... This is my instant reaction as an introvert.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Extrovert/Introvert has nothing to do with social anxiety. Also, I find this ironic. I don't think you believe your own words. Still, a nice post.



> Excuse me... But... *Who the fuck is "society"? Is it a group of elites or something?* You are a part of society and you don't have to prove anything... At least not right here, right now. Just love yourself and live your own life with it's natural timing and discoveries.


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