# Tips for repressing tears without resorting to self-harm?



## Nymma (Apr 24, 2010)

I've tried many things. Nothing seems to work. Removing my mind from the subject of distress makes me loose accidentally my restraint on my tears as my muscles are not focusing on keeping them at bay anymore. Just trying to repress them eventually fails or it succeeds but not without someone noticing that there are in my eyes, which is just as bad. Refraining from breathing doesn't stop them from dripping disgustingly down my cheeks. Simply toning out the person can work for a bit, but then the person realizes that I'm ignoring him/her, which causes him/her to be insistant in her demand for attention ("Why are you not listening to me?" **grabs arm**, etc.), which makes it impossible to ignore for too long, unless I want to look insane(which is almost as humiliating as crying in front of someone). If I don't respond, I will appear dim-witted, which is a no-no. Or if I run away, I will give the impression that I'm avoidant, immature, or whatever.

There's one option that has proved more...effective. Discreet self-harm to repress tears. It can be biting my tongue really hard to the extent it will bleed a little, scratching my skin(back of hands with nails, side of legs with nails) or even tightening my fists around my chest in a really uncomfortable grip...

Minor self-harm works better than any other technique I have tried. But it's still not effective enough...as long as it's not a 100/100 chance of success, it's not effective enough. Not to mention that I'd rather use a technique that doesn't hurt, thank you very much. 

So...if you are a successful at keeping your tears away, how do you do it? What's your secret?

I hate even asking for advice, but I'm running out of ideas, and I'd rather swallow my (non-existant) pride and ask for advice & finding a trick that works than resigning myself to fail for, say, another ten years in the Tears area. And it has become a major factor in me having an Avoidant disorder(not officially diagnosed but it's so obvious I have it), an obstacle on my way to success/self-improvement. It's tying me down to a prison of avoidance and procrastination, it's making me loose my dignity, it's humiliating me, destroying my "contained, cool" image. It's RUINING me. 

I don't care that it only happens like 4 times a year-it doesn't make it less humiliating, and I wanted it reduced to ZERO time a year.

Advice anyone?


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## Stephen (Jan 17, 2011)

My advice is not to repress your tears. Your emotions are beautiful and it is natural to express them. Those who will dismiss or deride you for your emotions are not worth self-harm.


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## DlusionAl (Apr 9, 2011)

@Nymma
Whats wrong with crying anyway? Its nice to hear that you prefer your image to your health and body.


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## viva (Aug 13, 2010)

The reason why nothing you have tried, and nothing you can try, will succeed in repressing your tears is because our bodies were not designed to repress them. There is nothing wrong with crying. It's a natural thing that we all do. If it bothers you to cry in front of people, excuse yourself from the room to step out and be alone. Don't put yourself through the punishment of self-harm or other forms of repression as if crying is wrong in some way.


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## reletative (Dec 17, 2010)

First, please don't repress your feelings. 

Second, to POSTPONE your tears for a more private or convenient time, you MUST relax your jaw and throat. 
Concentrate every ounce of mental energy you have to relax your throat first. Then your jaw. Then the back of your neck. 
Imagine all of your energy pooling in your jaw and releasing. Then pooling in your neck and releasing. Etc. 
You will have a couple tears fall, but you'll stop the sobs. Do NOT hold your breath. That will make you more likely to sob. 
Take the energy you would normally put into causing physical pain or holding your breath or tensing your muscles and visualize it moving through you with every breath and releasing out of you.

Third, make sure when you have privacy to let your emotions flow out of you. If you don't want to cry, fine, but talk to yourself, or write, or hum or whistle or something. Just let it out. don't bottle it up.


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## Life.Is.A.Game (Nov 5, 2010)

I agree with everyone here, and as much as I hate crying myself, once I do it I feel much better afterwards.
If someone thinks you're too sensitive because you cry, just remember that they are too insensitive to understand.
If you feel like crying, then there's a reason for it. Sometimes no one sees the reason, maybe not even yourself, but you just feel sad, upset, angry, about something,and you feel like crying, so what? People need to be supportive and not shut you down. I know what it feels like to be shut down, it makes you want to cry even more for not being understood or accepted. 

Sometimes people that "care too much" don't like to see you cry because they become sad too and don't know how to deal with it, so their first reaction is to toughen you up. 

My sister, for example does this "tough love" thing, if she sees me sad or crying, she'll act like a bitch because she thinks that if she kicks me when I'm down, it will make me a stronger person. That logic is ridiculous, I am strong in general but when I'm down, I just need someone to listen or at least to accept it and leave me alone. So... there are people like that....

Then my ex husband used to call me a child when I cried, because I was "throwing tantrums". The fact that I couldn't get through to him and he would manipulate every conversation made me so angry that all I had left was tears, and as soon as I cried he would attack me. He couldn't handle it...

You have to realize that you crying is not the problem here. It's the people around you that have a problem with it. Try to avoid them if necessary and find people that do understand and support you. Don't hurt your own body because of stupid people. Please. So not worth it.


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## bellisaurius (Jan 18, 2012)

On the other hand, I tend to disagree with the other posters. I think repression is a perfectly valid technique to have in one's arsenal, if it helps you achieve resolutions to the things you can fix, and closure for the ones you can't. 

However, I don't really consider what I'm going to describe as repression. Basically, I've noticed that all emotions start as a little kernel. When we focus on this kernel, it get's larger. The more force you take to stop it, the more focus on it. If we distract ourselves in the enlargement phase, the emotion can sometimes be caught with it. You do this by pain, but other methods exist; thinking completely unrelated thoughts (like a man in flippers and a kilt), multiplying numbers, creating a different emotion, etc...

That said, these are just coping techniques. If you're being avoidant, then that's the issue you have to fix first. Crying as a result of feeling guilty and frustrated is pretty hard to deal with cause the problem's still there.

(ed add on) Oh, if the crying suddenly got worse, or feels unusual for you, the possibility of a biological cause is out there. Advice (outside of see a doc) won't solve that.


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## caramel_choctop (Sep 20, 2010)

If you don't want to burst into tears around other people, I'd say the best technique is distraction. The point is to immerse yourself in another environment. Read a book, imagine yourself watching your favourite movie/show, pretend you're in a situation that relaxes you.
Recite something - a poem, a song, a prayer (if you're religious), the Fibonacci sequence - anything that calms you down and is familiar enough to soothe you and yet not so familiar that you race through it.
Count/recite in a different language: this forces you to slow down.

On the other hand, repressing tears *when you're alone is not healthy.*

ETA: @Nymma have you seen a counsellor to maybe help you diagnose your suspected avoidant disorder?
I understand how awkward it can be, trust me, but... if it's significantly interfering with your life, it might be best to have it diagnosed, or work out if your avoidance is part of something else (e.g. depression).

I'm not a psychologist or anything, just making a suggestion.


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## jeffbobs (Jan 27, 2012)

You have to understand crying is not a sign of weakness, Crying doesn't make you any different or change anything, You need to either accept that sometimes you will cry, Being alone, Or finding someone that will just hold you and comfort you. But crying is not bad.


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## prplchknz (Nov 30, 2010)

repressing emotions and tears is a bad idea, trust me they always come back threefold and make a mess everywhere. it's better to cry as soon as your alone than it is to try and fight it.


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## Nymma (Apr 24, 2010)

Stephen said:


> Myadvice is not to repress your tears. Your emotions are beautiful and it isnatural to express them.


That's what my parents always told me at an early age. My father is hypersensitive like me and my mother is very affectionate and accepting, so I grew up in anenvironnement where feelings were encouraged. Despite that, I never felt at ease showing tears in front of them(or anyone else when I went to kindergarden& first got out the house). See, I always was a very slow "processorof information". I liked to withdraw, turn inward to explore/reflect onfeelings/thoughts before returning to the present. But instead of dealing withthose overwhelming feelings at my own pace and alone like I wanted, one of myparents would smother me with hugs(I never was comfortable with physicalcontact), overwhelm me with questions, impose their presence until I fakedbeing better...They were both very emotionally pushy. I felt trapped, intrudedupon, and incredibly vulnerable. I was suffocating. 

I thinkthat's one of the main reasons I hate crying in front of people--I unconsciously learned that showing vulnerability, especially tears, was goingto get me intrusion...I saw it as a nuisance that got in the way of my needs/desires. And I felt repulsed by the patronizing:"Awwww, are youOkayyyyy" that came with it--I took it as a lack of respect. I wanted respect, so I saw me loosing the battle with self-control as a failure of dignity. 

For me, tears equal embarassment, failure and suffocation. I can't see them as anything else. Uncontrollable emotions are just a nuisance that gets in the way of everything.




Stephen said:


> Those who will dismissor deride you for your emotions are not worth self-harm.


 
The only person deriding me for my emotions is myself. Very few people have actually mocked me because of it.


DlusionAl said:


> @_Nymma_
> Whats wrong with crying anyway? Its nice to hear that you prefer your image to your health and body.


I have no problem with other poeple crying-just me. And yeah, I'm willing to do whatever it takes to rid my system of this awful liquid that insists on coming out. 



viva said:


> The reason why nothing you have tried, and nothing you can try, will succeed in repressing your tears is because our bodies were not designed to repress them. There is nothing wrong with crying. It's a natural thing that we all do. If it bothers you to cry in front of people, excuse yourself from the room to step out and be alone. Don't put yourself through the punishment of self-harm or other forms of repression as if crying is wrong in some way.


When it becomes an obstacle, it becomes wrong. And if I'm in position to leave, beleive me, that's what I do. But I've unfortunately cried in situations where it was impossible to leave--interview(verbal exam for English Second Language in 10th grade), the dentist, the eye doctor(too lazy too research the proper term), the hospital(meeting with specialist), in class, etc...

The minute I even begin to feel stupid, slow, a failure, average, without talent, I'm at risk of bursting into tears. And that's exactly why I avoid many things--I just save myself from the humiliation of crying in front of others. If I loose my worth or dignity, then no one should know about it. At least I'll have the comfort of maintaining a competent, outstanding reputation. I'm the only one allowed to know about my flaws of performance (or at least, see them in action...)

What if I'm in a situation like that in the future, where I can't leave, like a job interview, or an evaluation? I'll be stuck with repression. That's why it has to work... I won't risk showing vulnerability.


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## Nymma (Apr 24, 2010)

Khys said:


> First, please don't repress your feelings.
> 
> Second, to POSTPONE your tears for a more private or convenient time, you MUST relax your jaw and throat.
> Concentrate every ounce of mental energy you have to relax your throat first. Then your jaw. Then the back of your neck.
> ...


Thank you very much, that's actually the most helpful advice I've ever heard on that subject. I never suspected that stopping to breathe would make me more likely to sob, for instance. Well, next time I'm in danger of crying, I'll try your trick. 




bellisaurius said:


> However, I don't really consider what I'm going to describe as repression. Basically, I've noticed that all emotions start as a little kernel. When we focus on this kernel, it get's larger. The more force you take to stop it, the more focus on it. If we distract ourselves in the enlargement phase, the emotion can sometimes be caught with it. You do this by pain, but other methods exist; thinking completely unrelated thoughts (like a man in flippers and a kilt), multiplying numbers, creating a different emotion, etc....


Unrelated thoughts usually don't work, but I've never tried thinking about something as boring as numbers and multiplication. Hey, here's a thought: Maybe boring myself to death with something like math would tire me temporairly and succeed as a distraction...



bellisaurius said:


> (ed add on) Oh, if the crying suddenly got worse, or feels unusual for you, the possibility of a biological cause is out there. Advice (outside of see a doc) won't solve that.


I was born hypersensitive,so unfortunately, I have experienced too mucn crying in a lifetime. Oh, I seldom cry anymore, but it's still very humiliating when it does happen.



caramel_choctop said:


> If you don't want to burst into tears around other people, I'd say the best technique is distraction. The point is to immerse yourself in another environment. Read a book, imagine yourself watching your favourite movie/show, pretend you're in a situation that relaxes you.
> 
> 
> Recite something - a poem, a song, a prayer (if you're religious), the Fibonacci sequence - anything that calms you down and is familiar enough to soothe you and yet not so familiar that you race through it.
> Count/recite in a different language: this forces you to slow down.


Noted. Thanks.



caramel_choctop said:


> On the other hand, repressing tears *when you're alone is not healthy.*
> 
> ETA: @Nymma have you seen a counsellor to maybe help you diagnose your suspected avoidant disorder?
> I understand how awkward it can be, trust me, but... if it's significantly interfering with your life, it might be best to have it diagnosed, or work out if your avoidance is part of something else (e.g. depression).


Hmm, I don't see the point of seeing a consellor. If she/he would disagree with my diagnostic, I would still beleive I am right. I just identify too much with everything I have ever read about it. I also am very introspective, and aware of what causes my problems. I bet you anything that I would not hear new information when listening to his/her analysis. Plus, seeking help from counsellors is something that has always striken me as quick fixes for people who lack introspection or ressourcfulness. (Hopefully I'm not insulting anyone here who may or may not have seen a counsellor...but that's just my blunt opinion about it). I would find it a waste of time, it would humiliate me, and I would feel very very very exposed...I would suffocate again. No, seriously, I would not risk seeing him/her in case I would cry in front of him/her. You might say that I would avoid it


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## Stephen (Jan 17, 2011)

Nymma said:


> I liked to withdraw, turn inward to explore/reflect onfeelings/thoughts before returning to the present. But instead of dealing withthose overwhelming feelings at my own pace and alone like I wanted, one of myparents would smother me with hugs(I never was comfortable with physicalcontact), overwhelm me with questions, impose their presence until I fakedbeing better...They were both very emotionally pushy. I felt trapped, intrudedupon, and incredibly vulnerable. I was suffocating.


That's totally understandable, and I know it's also a common trait among INFPs. Your parents weren't properly responding to your emotions. I think you might benefit if you would seek some therapy. I maintain that the solution is to express your emotions appropriately, not to repress them. If you need to remove yourself from a situation to release them alone, that's fine. They just can't stay inside, and none of us wants you to harm yourself over them.


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## Up and Away (Mar 5, 2011)

My secret for not crying is just looking away, or getting up and leaving.

Hey, but when we cry.. Nothing explodes. Nobody dies. The world doesn't fall apart... We are still okay.

Crying is genuine. That is what we are supposed to do when sad. And being vulnerable is what allows us to love and be trusted.

It sounds really difficult on you right now though...


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## Thalassa (Jun 10, 2010)

Oh this is a very unhealthy wish. I am sorry you are going through this, but it's better to just cry. Crying is actually a very healthy emotional and physical release. It literally releases toxins from your body. 

Let yourself cry, and please stop the self-harm.

If you feel that your crying is constant or goes on for hours and hours, you may be suffering from depression that you actually may need treatment for.


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