# INFJ: loneliness, self-esteem, and motivation.



## Beast (Mar 4, 2012)

I've been feeling down as of lately. I would appreciate if you guys offered me advice on how to better cope with some recent problems and challenges I've been facing. Please, do bear with me because I am afraid this post will turn out to be rather long...

First off, I'd like to write a bit about me. I think it will help you better understand what I'm facing right now: 
I'm an INFJ ("Protector") and a Type-2 ("Helper"). I think the descriptions of these personality types really fit me, and I particularly identify with the importance I place on helping others, wanting to become close to others, and on loving others and longing to be loved. I'm 24 years old now. I come from a poor family of from a third-world country. As a kid, I was constantly compared to other people and I never seemed to be "good enough". I internalized this comparison thing. It didn't help that I was bullied though most of my young years because I was skinny, weak, and nerdy (which, by the way, I still am). I have also felt ignored or "invisible" for long periods of my life by my peers. I have not had many friends though my life, and there have been a lot of people who have only approached me to get something from me (help of some sort, mostly related with homework and school projects).

For the past 7 years or so, I feel I have lived a life that was not meant for me. I was granted a scholarship to study at what's considered to be one of the best Unis in my country. Though I am thankful for having had the chance to receive a better quality education, I have felt more and more inadequate ever since. The thing is, 98% of the students there were the rich, spoiled, model-like looking kids of the richest people in my country. Being from a poor family myself, I always felt like I didn't belong there at all. I started focusing on my negative physical aspects and feelings of inadequacy and somehow started experiencing social anxiety and even had a couple of panic attacks. 

Upon graduation, and after working in my country for a while, I decided I wanted to study a master's degree abroad. My country is going economically downhill and I also saw it as an opportunity to become a better version of myself, defeat the anxiety and maybe even make good friends. I was accepted to study abroad and I even received a grant. I am now living abroad and it's my second semester studying this master's degree (out of four, though I will study the 2nd year in another country, so it's my last term in this country). Academically, I'm doing just fine. But I feel very lonely and my self-esteem is probably at its lowest because of feeling inadequate and ignored. I have realized people in this country are not very accepting of foreigners and international students tend to stick to hanging out only with people from their own countries. But then, I'm the only person from my home country in this Uni (and even one of the handful of people from my whole continent in this Uni). And though last term I did meet some nice international students I hanged out with, they left last December because they were exchange students. 

This semester, there is only one person I hang out with now, the only one of the nice international students I met last term. However, he's quite a pessimistic fellow. As an INFJ, I have always tried to help other people; it makes me feel of some use. But hanging out with this friend without the friends we had in common last semester who are not here right now is very emotionally taxing. This guy is much better off than me in many things, especially in terms of physical looks, which is the one aspect of myself I hate the most, and to top it all off he's 4 years younger than me, so he shouldn't be worrying about the stuff he worries about. But listening to his pessimistic remarks and coping with his feeling miserable has made me feel even worse about myself. However, I'm basically the only person he has to hang out with. If I stopped talking to him, he'd probably talk to no one and I'm sure he'd feel lots worse. Last semester he wrote his first FB status (my friends and I last term convinced him to join FB so he could meet more people) and it was something about how unbearably crappy his day had been.

I have tried approaching new people this semester, and though I have made some acquaintances, I haven't really made good friends. I wonder if I'd be better off literally stopping trying to make friends and focusing on improving my self-esteem. I have started working out and eating more and healthier food, for starters (trying to put on some weight and gain muscle).

Having said all that, my questions are (I ask for your advice):

> Do you think I should stop hanging out with my pessimistic friend for good? On the one hand, I'm sure he'd pretend not to give a damn, but without someone to motivate him to go places and take part in social activities, he's probably going to get more and more isolated. On the other hand, he's also my only friend, though I have acquaintances I could hang out with once in a while.

> How do you think I could go about raising my self-esteem other than working out and eating more? I am sick and tired of being skinny and weak, and though I can't change my face to make myself look "good", I know I'd feel better if I were buff and not lanky anymore. 

> How to keep myself motivated when I'm lonely? My family has always been very loving and supportive, but I only get to talk with them once a week because of the time difference. Same thing with the handful of friends I have back in my country, really, though it's even worse because we only talk about once every two weeks because they have been really busy.


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## Dope Amine (Feb 16, 2012)

> Have compassion for him, but also have compassion for yourself. What would benefit both of you? Stop talking down to yourself (all are created equal), and stop thinking that your friend is the one bringing you down. If you both only have each other its safe to say your in the same boat. 

> Watch what you eat. A huge percentage of beingworth healthy is simply diet. High protein from *real* food, and complex carbohydrates are a good start. For self esteem learn to acknowledge your own . 

> Find a place you can help out and volunteer there. The surefire way out of depression/anxiety is to think of people other than yourself and how you can help them, and then do it. Participate in a community! Practicing gratitude would also be helpful.


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## Beast (Mar 4, 2012)

> It's true that my friend and I are both in the same boat, though for the most part he seems to wallow in his despair while I always try to look on the bright side of things (my first post probably doesn't reflect that, but I was having a really bad hair day XD). It's also the case that, when we hang out, I have to constantly try and find rather cheerful topics to talk about, because my friend tends to drift towards generally pessimistic topics. I know he's not a bad person and he has a group of very good friends back in his country, it's probably just that he's having major troubles coping with studying abroad.

> All in all, though, I think I can focus on raising my self-esteem (working out + eating healthier) while also inviting him to go places once a week or so, so he won't isolate himself further (it's funny that it's almost always me the one who does the invites, yet when we're hanging out and he has non-pessimistic moments, he does mention how he'd like us to something else together another day).

> At the moment, I'm helping one of my friends from last term who's not in this country anymore (was an exchange student) and another friend back home prepare their master's degree applications. But you're right on the spot! I was also thinking of doing volunteering. Will give it a shot! .


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## Night & Day (Jul 17, 2010)

@Beast

First of all, congratulations. You have accomplished things that MANY people would like to if given the opportunity. You earned it all because of your hard work. If I was you I'd feel just sooo fulfilled. 

About your low self esteem. I think you're going in the right direction with trying to gain muscle and eating healthy. If that's what it takes for you to feel good then go for it. I myself am working on my looks and I've worked hard for it...I look and feel good. 

About your friend. You know how he feels, you've been there... I'm sure he really appreciates his friendship with you. You think you're not helping him? You are, just by being his friend and being there for him. Keep up the friendship IMO. You can really help him to become a better person. 

Mark 12:31 The second is equally important: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' No other commandment is greater than these.


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