# Fuck My Life...



## Life.Is.A.Game (Nov 5, 2010)

I'm not one to ask for advice, in fact, I hate it. I'm usually the one to give advice, GREAT advice to others, that they actually follow and it works for them, woopty doo I can help everyone else but not myself...

But here I am... desperate. I figured, since no one in real life can tell me anything I don't already know, maybe someone is/was in my shoes and can at least understand, and help me with something I haven't thought of already.

This is what I just realized this morning about myself. All my life I've been obsessed with something (spirituality, zodiacs, numerology, personality types, etc) , and when I mean obsessed I mean I get INTO something and it's the only subject I think about, want to talk about, want to get people into, analyze the shit out of it, until I look back, realize it ruined my life, and start living on the outside world for a little bit until I find something else to "belong to"....

I didn't realize I do this. In fact, I thought the MBTI thing was a great tool for me to understand others and myself, but I took it too far. I started judging people by their type, everything they said or did, my mind just put it in their "type" box, only so I can compare to someone else of that type. I probably didn't even type them right, I have no idea, because thus far I've been all 16 types and still haven't figure out which one I belong to. 

I've been reading personality types for about 3 years now, on and off, but mostly on. I guess when real life seems more exciting I go out, but that doesn't last very long. I've tried to figure out my type so I can understand myself better. But it's very confusing because I can see myself in all the types, sometimes I feel like I'm an introvert, sometimes an Extrovert. I read all the cognitive functions, I have NO idea which ones I do more of. My sister told me that I need to stop trying to find myself through MBTI and I need to just sit with myself and think about what I like or dislike. I agree, however, I have no idea.... I don't think I like anything. Probably because I'm depressed.

So then I thought...what do I like when I'm happy? And then I thought, when the hell was I ever happy? and why can't i remember happy times? I do remember moments of excitement, but they are few and far in between. Mostly I feel like I'm faking it. I feel like I've faked it my whole life. That I was never really "myself" and felt comfortable in my own shoes. It's as if I'm walking in someone else's shoes...or something.

Everyone says..."just be yourself"... ok, fine, but who am i? when am i myself? when am i at the comfort level where i can just breathe and say "i'm content"... seems like never. or maybe i just don't remember...

If you were to ask my friends, they'd say I'm...funny, carefree, intelligent, rational, outgoing, life of the party, confident, intimidating, tomboy, good advice giver, straight-forward. They say I have potential to do anything I want, and they don't get why i don't put it to good use. They also say I have made bad choices in life, which is very very true. 

If you were to ask my family (sisters) they'd say I'm... insecure, a pushover, make stupid life choices, alcoholic, invisible, mean, angry, cold-hearted, that i do everything for my SO and that i have no personality because i just do everything for everyone else... especially my SO's. 

So as you can see, my friends and family have opposite opinions about me. Well my friends are more like acquaintances, I don't really have friends that I keep in contact with, except one girl but even with her it's because she texts me sometimes to see if i'm still alive. 

I haven't had a real job in 3 years or more, I was working from home for couple years but that was just answering phones, not much of a job although good money at first then it slowed down. So I haven't actually gotten out of the house to go to work in about 3 years. I'm afraid to even start a job due to the fact that I might get bored and quit. Unless if it's career oriented I don't care to do it.

Now.... I don't want advice like (you need a job, you need to get out more, you need blah blah blah)... This is my whole life I'm talking about. I've had jobs, still was unhappy, I've had relationships, they all sucked. Been married twice, didn't work out. 
I guess if I'm an ESTP it would kinda make sense, since supposedly they can't commit to anything. Or an ESFP. But then why don't I wanna get out to do anything? Because I'm depressed? That means I'm always depressed when I'm in a relationship. I feel like relationships are boring, life is boring, and if I am having fun (which usually involves lots of people and alcohol), it only lasts for a few hours, then I wake up the next day feeling like I want to die....

So what is wrong with me and how do I get to the point where I can be content with myself? Where I can just relax, watch a movie, stop my brain from thinking non-stop and be like ...somewhat "normal"...?


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## Thalassa (Jun 10, 2010)

Chronic feelings of emptiness or boredom, and no sense of self outside of others are symptoms of borderline personality disorder.

I really feel for you, and I'm not judging you in the slightest (I've issues of my own) but I really think you might need to talk to a professional.


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## Ace Face (Nov 13, 2011)

This is something I've found to be very helpful through all times of hardship. I've posted it before, and I'm sure I'll post it again in the future. This is my handy dandy list of cognitive distortions: 15 Common Cognitive Distortions | Psych Central

Here's the cycle:

Thoughts---->Feelings----->Moods----->Behaviors

It all starts with thoughts. When I find that my mood is going southward, it's because of my feelings. My feelings led me southward because of my thoughts. When I take the time to analyze those thoughts, I realize that what usually put me in an unfavorable mood was a cognitive distortion, a thought that wasn't necessarily true. I encourage people to read this list and try to watch for these things in your thinking! It's a life saver. Life has been much better for me since I've been paying attention to my thoughts and weeding out these distortions. Seriously


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## AphroditeGoneAwry (Jan 10, 2012)

How often to you talk to someone...like, in person about these feelings? How often does someone empathetic listen to you and validate you? It can be sooo helpful. Humans need interaction. And even though we might *think* we are getting our needs met behind these screens typing words back and forth to each other, it's really not enough; nothing can replace (yet) the feeling of human contact. <3 to you. 

~A


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## Erbse (Oct 15, 2010)

Sounds ISTP to me (albeit unhealthy) with a nice guy syndrome.

Enjoy: http://personalitycafe.com/istp-forum-mechanics/34594-bitter-old-man-just-few-decades-too-early.html

Oh, you're welcome.

P.S: Love the avatar.


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## Mav (Dec 19, 2010)

I am an ENTJ. I am going to give you and ENTJ answer, so it will be instructive and blunt. I think it is what you need to do, but you can take it or leave it, it is your life. 

I find self discovery exercises to be a little fruitless and I would think so in your case. It certainly appears that you are not pleased with yourself, so a self discovery mission will only highlight the person you are displeased with. 

As such, the following course of action may assist you. Set aside some time, a day or two or a week and sit down and think who do I REALLY want to be? That is both in an everyday goal sense and a personal sense (every day goal: I want to own my own home, personal sense: I want to be a more compassionate person). 

After you are done compiling a list of goals and traits, develop a plan to help you achieve all of them. If you need help, I am sure obliging members of PerC will give you assistance to help you formulate strategies to achieve your goals. It is weird how people in person may be cold and distant, yet once they get behind a keyboard they can be helpful and obliging. 

Even if you don't kick all of the goals, you will probably be put in a better place to move forward. 

That concludes the advice, I hope it helped. Best of luck to you.


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## WolfStar (Aug 18, 2009)

Maybe it's time to step away from MBTI and spend some time with just yourself to figure out who you are, rather than relying on something external for internal validation.


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## CoopV (Nov 6, 2011)

I'm not sure if this will help but here's my 2 cents...

Be honest with yourself. And be honest with your thoughts. Forget everybody else and meditate and be aware of your questions and the answers that rise up. Question each answer to each question and just think about it honestly without attaching emotions to it. 

I think negative thoughts lead to negative emotions which then reinforce the negative thoughts and then it's all downhill from there. Forget about everything and just be honest with yourself. I think you do know a great deal about yourself it just may be cluttered by all that other garbage. And by seeking through so many things trying to "find" yourself you may not pay attention to the fact you already know yourself.

You may know yourself but are making bad choices because of fear or who knows what. In that case maybe you should see a professional who can help you work out why you are making choices that aren't giving you the life that you want to live and the things that you want.


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## Cortega (Jan 25, 2012)

no.anger.just.love said:


> So what is wrong with me and how do I get to the point where I can be content with myself? Where I can just relax, watch a movie, stop my brain from thinking non-stop and be like ...somewhat "normal"...?


A facade constructed inside the walls of your mind wouldn't improve matters.

Also, please remember that the MBTI personality types simply describe preferences - people are able to smash through the type barriers with impunity.

You should consider pursuing a career in academia - you would be able to study the topics you love, and be able to discuss them with students, if you were considered suitable for a teaching role. For you, I would suggest a wide topic, perhaps Philosophy or Psychology.


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## Life.Is.A.Game (Nov 5, 2010)

Ace Face said:


> This is something I've found to be very helpful through all times of hardship. I've posted it before, and I'm sure I'll post it again in the future. This is my handy dandy list of cognitive distortions: 15 Common Cognitive Distortions | Psych Central
> 
> Here's the cycle:
> 
> ...


Thank you, I started reading a little bit, it sounds pretty accurate for me, I will do it when I have a little bit more time, thanks much!


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## Life.Is.A.Game (Nov 5, 2010)

AphroditeGoneAwry said:


> How often to you talk to someone...like, in person about these feelings? How often does someone empathetic listen to you and validate you? It can be sooo helpful. Humans need interaction. And even though we might *think* we are getting our needs met behind these screens typing words back and forth to each other, it's really not enough; nothing can replace (yet) the feeling of human contact. <3 to you.
> 
> ~A


I don't really have anyone who will listen to me without either :

a.getting bored really fast and wants to talk about themselves
b.starting to give me advice that i already know i just can't do in my circumstances
c.saying "i don't know what to say" or being glad that i finally realized i'm depressed..

Usually when I listen to people's problems I always end up giving advice, but I ask questions so that they come up with a solution on their own. I do understand not everyone is like me, unfortunately I haven't found anyone that will sit there and listen and ask the right questions until i figure out the answer. But then again, I haven't really tried except with my 2 sisters, and .... they both have the same opinion :
-get a job, get out more, stop being a pussy.... (they're both sensors. not sure what i am.)


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## Life.Is.A.Game (Nov 5, 2010)

Cortega said:


> A facade constructed inside the walls of your mind wouldn't improve matters.
> 
> Also, please remember that the MBTI personality types simply describe preferences - people are able to smash through the type barriers with impunity.
> 
> You should consider pursuing a career in academia - you would be able to study the topics you love, and be able to discuss them with students, if you were considered suitable for a teaching role. For you, I would suggest a wide topic, perhaps Philosophy or Psychology.


Yes I would be very interested in those topics, I just can't afford to go to school right now, so maybe if i find a job within those topics...


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## Life.Is.A.Game (Nov 5, 2010)

eros5th said:


> I'm not sure if this will help but here's my 2 cents...
> 
> Be honest with yourself. And be honest with your thoughts. Forget everybody else and meditate and be aware of your questions and the answers that rise up. Question each answer to each question and just think about it honestly without attaching emotions to it.
> 
> ...


I did try to ask myself questions like "do i like people or do i hate people"... i know it's 2 extremes but that's because i'm always to the extremes. Either I need to be alone or around LOTS of people. I either love them or hate them. So the answer is "depends on how I feel". Sometimes I'm perfectly ok sitting on my computer not talking to anyone, then I start getting out of the house and I don't want to go back in, I just want to party non stop. It's like I have no middle, no balance, just extremes.


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## CoopV (Nov 6, 2011)

no.anger.just.love said:


> I did try to ask myself questions like "do i like people or do i hate people"... i know it's 2 extremes but that's because i'm always to the extremes. Either I need to be alone or around LOTS of people. I either love them or hate them. So the answer is "depends on how I feel". Sometimes I'm perfectly ok sitting on my computer not talking to anyone, then I start getting out of the house and I don't want to go back in, I just want to party non stop. It's like I have no middle, no balance, just extremes.


This sounds like borderline personality disorder to me : / Have you seen a psychologist?


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## Erbse (Oct 15, 2010)

no.anger.just.love said:


> b.starting to give me advice that i already know i just can't do in my circumstances


This is exactly it. Excuses, bunches of them.

It's *your* life, start taking control of it. If need be, drop dead weight and trample on some people's feeling the process. You're only shackled by the shackles you throw yourself into, willingly on top of that. May it be conscious or subconscious. Taking responsibility (for your actions, and resulting consiquences) are a vital part of that. First and foremost however, take responsibility for your own happiness, it's in no one's hands but yours.

It's a matter of mindset - break free from the illusion you'd be obligated to do anything you don't really want. It's refreshing.


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## WolfStar (Aug 18, 2009)

no.anger.just.love said:


> I don't really have anyone who will listen to me without either :
> 
> a.getting bored really fast and wants to talk about themselves
> b.starting to give me advice that i already know i just can't do in my circumstances
> c.saying "i don't know what to say" or being glad that i finally realized i'm depressed..


So basically you want someone to listen to you and pretend to be a diary? If that's the case, just get a physical diary and stop talking to people with expectations of what you want from them.


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## AphroditeGoneAwry (Jan 10, 2012)

no.anger.just.love said:


> I don't really have anyone who will listen to me without either :
> 
> a.getting bored really fast and wants to talk about themselves
> b.starting to give me advice that i already know i just can't do in my circumstances
> ...



K. Sometimes it takes someone else to give you the kind of listening you need. Perhaps someone will come into your life, or is in your life (even if it's just a good friend or acquaintance), that would be a good candidate.


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## Life.Is.A.Game (Nov 5, 2010)

WolfStar said:


> So basically you want someone to listen to you and pretend to be a diary? If that's the case, just get a physical diary and stop talking to people with expectations of what you want from them.


yup thats exactly what i want, how'd u know? u soo smart! totally helped me!


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## Life.Is.A.Game (Nov 5, 2010)

eros5th said:


> This sounds like borderline personality disorder to me : / Have you seen a psychologist?


nope. i'm gonna google to see what borderline personality disorder is supposed to mean. i dont have money to see a professional.


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## Life.Is.A.Game (Nov 5, 2010)

eros5th said:


> This sounds like borderline personality disorder to me : / Have you seen a psychologist?


Just read a bit about it. Sounds very accurate. Fear of rejection, abandonment...etc 
When i was little my mom left us for 6 years, she came to America while leaving us with my dad and grandparents-who were fanatically religious so no communication there. Just talked to my sister, she says she has these problems too. Plus we got sexually abused when younger. so ya...makes sense i guess. 
Thank you! This helped a lot. I'm gonna look into it some more.


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