# Angry outbursts against my parents - WHY??



## milti (Feb 8, 2012)

Long version

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Every weekend is a nightmare in my house because both my parents are home and I'm convinced I hate them. 

My POV when I have an outburst:
My dad is too hard on me and often unreasonable about expectations, and my mum... Well, she really doesn't seem to care what I'm doing, where I am, or what my condition is. I have this chip on my shoulder that both my parents are BAD parents, even though I know there are worse parents out there, and lately I've found myself taunting them, being cruel, mocking them and yelling at them for how awful they are. (They aren't really 'awful', just not as involved in my life as they once were, and I probably resent that.) So anyway, _every _weekend, almost, when all four of us are at home (us two kids and my parents) there's a huge quarrel between us. More often than not, I find that I'M picking the quarrel, taking the slightest opportunity to say I'm sick of them and disgusted with them and that I hate them. 

It's like all my bottled up anger (which I didn't even know I possessed) pours out at them, and I say hurtful, stinging things, raise my voice to yell over theirs, and basically almost enjoy making a scene. I bring out all the words in all the languages I know that are really awful and swear and rail at them for a while before I run out of steam, slam a couple of doors, and storm out of the house.

*My question is: *why am I such an angry person around my parents? Why does the sight of them send white hot rage through me and why do I enjoy hating them so much? I'm not really sure WHY I hate them either. I want to know the reason behind my flashes of anger. 

Note 1: I'm not 'angry' around anyone else, really. In fact, I appear quite subdued and pacifist to anyone who sees me outside my family.
2: My dad and I have a pretty good friendship. We both have a lot of inside jokes, we're uaully teasing or laughing, we spend hours shopping for book or clothes together, he's like my BFF except he's old. He's pretty cool but he has this habit of telling people off and giving unsolicited advice, which irks me to no end. 

I stayed away from home for 5 years while I was in college, and illness forced me to return home. Now my parents are scared to let me out to stay by myself again (they say "you didn't look after your health!") and honestly, at home I have my own bedroom, my own space, it's the house I've had all my teenage years, and I have my own car and job and friends here... There's no reason for me to really leave. 

My anger simmers down in a while but I only have to have the most minor trigger from one of them before I'm off and ranting again. My parents think I might be bipolar like my brother. I don't know. Any suggestions?




Short version
Is it normal to have short but completely random, pretty much un-triggered, loud, screechy, hateful outbursts of anger (verbal but not violent) in your 20s?


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## rawrmosher (Apr 22, 2013)

I don't think your're bipolar. My friend who is seems to be 'triggered' at absolute random, she can be perfectly fine for weeks and then, due to no particular reason, she goes into full emo meltdown mode, and stays like that for however long it takes her to get back up again. She's an INFP too though, so I don't know if she's messing up mood swings with being bipolar. But yeah, I doubt it would be triggered by just seeing your parents.

It just sounds like simmering resentment to me, they've hurt you or vice versa and you and your parents need to try and work through it I guess =) I've had similar issues with a few people, namely an ISTJ guy and formerly my ESFJ twin brother. But every time I saw the ISTJ I'd get super pissed at how serious and 'boring' he was, especially because he had overconfidence and a huge chip on his shoulder to match :L 

With my brother, I just got really annoyed at how much he nagged and talked pretty much constantly, but it didn't go very far cause we talked about it. 

Try and nail down what it is that's bothering you and where that anger's coming from, and work out if it's justified. If it's not, it's your personal problem and you'll have to think yourself out of it. If it is, try bringing your thoughts up to your dad since you two are close =)

Hope I helped somewhere in there


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## whenischeesenotcheese (Mar 9, 2013)

Maybe it's a delayed reaction to your hormones? Like if when you were younger you didn't go crazy, then it needs to happen now?


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## milti (Feb 8, 2012)

whenischeesenotcheese said:


> Maybe it's a delayed reaction to your hormones? Like if when you were younger you didn't go crazy, then it needs to happen now?


:shocked: Lol. no. I was an irritable teenager. Well, not irritable, just quiet and unresponsive.


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## StElmosDream (May 26, 2012)

Generational divides can be a nightmare, when it took me literally 80% of my life to understand my dad (beginning to feel more understood more only in the last month)... still a work in progress with my Mother even at 26; noticing how motivations and values can often be diametrically opposed, producing a chalk and tuna state of incompatibility where people simply shut off (IME both genders can and do stonewall) or feel it necessary to make the other party understand something 'plain to see' at any cost.

From my experience alone, older generations may lack self awareness, be prone to rigid thinking, less likely to adopt new ideas, see life in more concrete terms (have a family, provide, do a job, settle down, make sacrifices and expect the same from offspring) and become dismissive to opinions or ideas not aligning with their own... still something I am working against but mirroring tone and behaviours seeking mutual respect helps alongside more in the moment notifications of boundaries crossed, although some angers are necessary to express to people that you are not them and need your own life, well chances to make mistakes or decisions.

*deep hug of understanding*


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## Glenda Gnome Starr (May 12, 2011)

This is very true. Some parents seem to believe that they can protect their kids from making the mistakes that they did by overprotecting them or by trying to not-so-subtly guide their kids into a way of life that the kids may not want. Both the parents and their grown children (or teenagers) become frustrated and communication ceases. The parents do need to learn when it is OK to let go, to say, "yes, I've done my job, it's time to let my son (or daughter) fly free." Sometimes, if the parents are excessively rigid, there's no point in fighting with the parent. Just say, "yes, you're right," and go and do what you were going to do, anyway. 




StElmosDream said:


> Generational divides can be a nightmare, when it took me literally 80% of my life to understand my dad (beginning to feel more understood more only in the last month)... still a work in progress with my Mother even at 26; noticing how motivations and values can often be diametrically opposed, producing a chalk and tuna state of incompatibility where people simply shut off (IME both genders can and do stonewall) or feel it necessary to make the other party understand something 'plain to see' at any cost.
> 
> From my experience alone, older generations may lack self awareness, be prone to rigid thinking, less likely to adopt new ideas, see life in more concrete terms (have a family, provide, do a job, settle down, make sacrifices and expect the same from offspring) and become dismissive to opinions or ideas not aligning with their own... still something I am working against but mirroring tone and behaviours seeking mutual respect helps alongside more in the moment notifications of boundaries crossed, although some angers are necessary to express to people that you are not them and need your own life, well chances to make mistakes or decisions.
> 
> *deep hug of understanding*


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## StElmosDream (May 26, 2012)

walking tourist said:


> This is very true. Some parents seem to believe that they can protect their kids from making the mistakes that they did by overprotecting them or by trying to not-so-subtly guide their kids into a way of life that the kids may not want. Both the parents and their grown children (or teenagers) become frustrated and communication ceases. The parents do need to learn when it is OK to let go, to say, "yes, I've done my job, it's time to let my son (or daughter) fly free." Sometimes, if the parents are excessively rigid, there's no point in fighting with the parent. Just say, "yes, you're right," and go and do what you were going to do, anyway.


*Feels you might, enjoy an agreeable hug of appreciation, offering one in the process*


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## Glenda Gnome Starr (May 12, 2011)

Thank you very much. I love hugs. Here is one for you, too.



StElmosDream said:


> *Feels you might, enjoy an agreeable hug of appreciation, offering one in the process*


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## farfaraway (Feb 15, 2013)

If you were bipolar, you would probably not be able to control your outbursts and limit to them to inside the family home on weekends. 

I have 2 thoughts:
1. Maybe you are angry about other things in life that you believe you can't act out against. And your parents are safe people to unload on. You can't treat a boss or a friend that way without serious consequences. I find it shocking that your parents accept this treatment. Your ass would be homeless if you had my parents. 

2. Or maybe the mental illness of your brother sucked away your parents' concern and time that should have been shared between both kids. This happened to me growing up with a mentally ill sister. I felt like I had been neglected and at the same time burdened with responsibilities that I was too young for. And man, was I angry.

The problem is, parents are always going to believe that they did the best they could. Even if you were able to tell them what makes you so angry at them, it's unlikely that they will ever acknowledge it and apologize for it in a way that could ever be satisfying to you. 

In your 20s and with a job and a car, you should not be at home. Your parents can't "not let" you move out. You are an adult, and you are too old for this kind of behavior. Your parents have probably worked hard their whole lives and shouldn't have to put up with their adult daughter cursing them out under their own roof. The most practical thing is to move out and only meet with them in public.


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## Jennywocky (Aug 7, 2009)

I think if situations don't get resolved, being put back that environment can immediately retrigger many feelings that aren't relevant in other contexts.

I tend to not blow up at my parents/family, I just don't talk to them due to unresolved issues (not for my lack of trying, I've made an effort and just don't get any support from them to work through things). My mom is the best, because she's forgiving, but usually without ever resolving the problem -- she just hates conflict. I usually talk to her once a week, but sometimes I just don't even feel like picking up the phone. I didn't talk to her for three weeks, until last night, just because I didn't want to -- even if she hadn't done anything specifically wrong, she's just attached to a lot of baggage that is still impacting my life.

It's also amazing to me how I can feel fine, and then something can trigger a memory or a situation comes up and I'm immediately spitting mad and ready to scream. I couldn't even imagine living with my parents again; I can't go back into that environment.

Anyway, I don't think there is necesarily anything "wrong" with you (like bipolar), although I would suggest there are unresolved conflicts that were exacerbated by being under your parent's authority while young (so you had to deal with anything you didn't like in their personality makeup), and going back into that environment is like being placed in that helpless and weak place.


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## milti (Feb 8, 2012)

farfaraway said:


> If you were bipolar, you would probably not be able to control your outbursts and limit to them to inside the family home on weekends.
> 
> I have 2 thoughts:
> 1. Maybe you are angry about other things in life that you believe you can't act out against. And your parents are safe people to unload on. You can't treat a boss or a friend that way without serious consequences. I find it shocking that your parents accept this treatment. Your ass would be homeless if you had my parents.
> ...


This was really good to read. The suggestions are very real and things I can relate to.
I was a teenager when my brother's illness was diagnosed, and it took a long time for them to accept something was wrong with their kid. I saw their anger and struggles and pretending everything was normal, and until I was much older, I thought exactly like them, that even if there's something wrong, we should try to act normal. My family is pretty normal in a way... my parents had a regular arranged marriage and have been married for eons (no trouble on that front) so we are normal on the outside. 

Okay so I live in a culture where girls don't move out of their parents' home till they get married, and since I'm unwilling to marry just anyone, I'm stuck with them for a while. I _did _move out when I was studying (lived on campus), but now that I'm working in my own home town, I have to stay with them. Rents are crazy high, and even if I could move out, no one likes to give a place to a single woman without attaching a curfew and a bunch of conditions (religious and lifestyle). That's the reality of growing up where I do. 

For my part, I'm trying to avoid them when I feel the irritation creeping up. I just abruptly get up and leave the room, and do my old teenage trick of turning up the volume high and putting my headphones on, and the anger/irritation usually dissipates in a while. They don't like my impoliteness (staring at them eyes glazed over till they're done and then running out the door) but it seems to be working for now.

I have to get to the source of this anger. I think I might be just plain bratty and spoilt.


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## farfaraway (Feb 15, 2013)

milti said:


> I was a teenager when my brother's illness was diagnosed, and it took a long time for them to accept something was wrong with their kid. I saw their anger and struggles and pretending everything was normal, and until I was much older, I thought exactly like them, that even if there's something wrong, we should try to act normal. My family is pretty normal in a way... my parents had a regular arranged marriage and have been married for eons (no trouble on that front) so we are normal on the outside.


Except for the arranged marriage, EXACTLY like my family. My sister had problems for years until my mother brought her to a therapist. Even then we were not to tell anyone about "our family's business". Even to this day (I am 32), I get pissed off sometimes that I have done all the "right" things, and my sister gets a free pass to screw up because she's got a problem. 



milti said:


> Okay so I live in a culture where girls don't move out of their parents' home till they get married, and since I'm unwilling to marry just anyone, I'm stuck with them for a while. I _did _move out when I was studying (lived on campus), but now that I'm working in my own home town, I have to stay with them. Rents are crazy high, and even if I could move out, no one likes to give a place to a single woman without attaching a curfew and a bunch of conditions (religious and lifestyle). That's the reality of growing up where I do.


I didn't realize this bit, I didn't know where you were from. I just assumed if you had been away studying and had a job, there was no reason not to live alone. Other than overprotective parents who keep you in a lifestyle you've grown beyond. 



milti said:


> I have to get to the source of this anger. I think I might be just plain bratty and spoilt.


My sister was diagnosed as bipolar and later became a drug addict. The anger you feel is most likely not because you are bratty and spoiled. 

I was worried I was too harsh in my last post. I reacted that way because: I think no matter how legitimate your anger is, no matter how right you are to feel the way you do.... it doesn't make much difference, in my experience. Because parents don't really change. Or at least, the parents are outside of your power to change. You can only change your own behavior. That's why I suggested moving away and only meeting them in public. It sucks because chances are you are not in the wrong. But nothing good will come of you standing by your right to be angry. 

Is there not some sort of support group for young females in this position? Maybe you could start one? Is there not a relative you could live with? It's not very healthy to live with your family if the relationship is so toxic. There must be some culturally acceptable way to get out of that house.


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## angeleyes (Feb 20, 2013)

Because of feelings of powerlessness or helplessness, having ones choices taken away and/or feelings of general inequity. These could be triggers.
Some solutions may include taking up boxing/martial arts, hunting, exercise, and/or writing really vivid, horrifying poetry about your life experiences.


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## yet another intj (Feb 10, 2013)

Because you love and respect them, a little too much... And... Eventually, taking their words and actions seriously more than you should... Well... They are your parents... As the result, you are overreacting them... Congratulations! You start to feel weird about that, because you are growing up.


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## milti (Feb 8, 2012)

Well, there was another scene today. 

I think I've finally got to the root of this, although that doesn't make it any easier for me to control my anger. 

I have figured that my parents just enjoy goading me, provoking me into a response. My dad, especially, will keep pushing the limits watching me get angrier and angrier and then say "Aha, I KNEW you would react like this!" He seems to enjoy toying with my moods, and I'm not sure why, but he's always been totally stoic, felt that "emotions are for idiots", and is basically really just a block of ice when it comes to any EQ of any sort. He thinks they are a useless expenditure of energy. What he doesn't realise is that I am just like him. I won't react until I'm _really _pushed beyond the edge. Till then I will just maintain eye contact with him, a silent glare, but he gets provoked by that too. One more thing that I've got from him is my desire to say hateful things to people. I can't seem to find an in-between I-dislike-you, I just go all out and say awful things, but today I noticed I was just repeating his own words and tone to him, even in my anger.

I also now know the reason for this. My bipolar brother has severe anger issues that started when he was 12, of a violent nature, breaking things, hurting people with actions and words. I've always been the passive child. My parents (and I) have had to tip-toe around him a lot emotionally, be VERY careful of what we say to him, be ready for an outburst at any time. I think my parents find it somewhat liberating that they can say or yell _anything_ to me and all I will do is scream back, say I hate them, and slam a couple of doors (I won't go off into the night drinking and sleeping in ditches, for instance). But I am not sure I like being used as their outlet like this.


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## Jennywocky (Aug 7, 2009)

milti said:


> I think I've finally got to the root of this, although that doesn't make it any easier for me to control my anger.


Glad you are making headway here in understanding things, it looks like you've acquired some valuable insights.



> I have figured that my parents just enjoy goading me, provoking me into a response. My dad, especially, will keep pushing the limits watching me get angrier and angrier and then say "Aha, I KNEW you would react like this!" He seems to enjoy toying with my moods, and I'm not sure why, but he's always been totally stoic, felt that "emotions are for idiots", and is basically really just a block of ice when it comes to any EQ of any sort. He thinks they are a useless expenditure of energy. What he doesn't realise is that I am just like him. I won't react until I'm _really _pushed beyond the edge. Till then I will just maintain eye contact with him, a silent glare, but he gets provoked by that too. One more thing that I've got from him is my desire to say hateful things to people. I can't seem to find an in-between I-dislike-you, I just go all out and say awful things, but today I noticed I was just repeating his own words and tone to him, even in my anger.
> 
> I also now know the reason for this. My bipolar brother has severe anger issues that started when he was 12, of a violent nature, breaking things, hurting people with actions and words. I've always been the passive child. My parents (and I) have had to tip-toe around him a lot emotionally, be VERY careful of what we say to him, be ready for an outburst at any time. I think my parents find it somewhat liberating that they can say or yell _anything_ to me and all I will do is scream back, say I hate them, and slam a couple of doors (I won't go off into the night drinking and sleeping in ditches, for instance). But I am not sure I like being used as their outlet like this.


I'm surprised that you're not sure how you feel about it. My reaction when I read this is, "Boy, her parents are pretty lame."

It's understandable that they would need an outlet, which is where I think you are coming from (?); but there is no good reason for that outlet to be you. You are much their child as your brother is, and they need to care for both of you equally. No wonder you having anger bubbling up uncontrollably at times. You should not be being punished or abused just because you're more able to control your responses.

Any chance you can talk to them about any of this?


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## ThatOneWeirdGuy (Nov 22, 2012)

You subconsciously resent and are angry toward your parents for some reason. Something triggers it, and you become angry at them and act on it. My advice to you is to do a lot of introspecting and figure out what the issue is. 

If you think it is in your best interest and sanity, don't be afraid to cease all contact with them if you so choose.


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## 626Stitch (Oct 22, 2010)

> Is it normal to have short but completely random, pretty much un-triggered, loud, screechy, hateful outbursts of anger (verbal but not violent) in your 20s?


For all the female INFPs I know of yes. I guess this is the downside of all the spontaneous affection.


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## Fleetfoot (May 9, 2011)

Sounds pretty normal. 

Such things happen daily at my household. Living away from home for a period of time and then having to move back in with your parents is quite a drastic lifestyle change, and for the most part it's usually negative. The person you've matured to be in the past few years isn't the person you were when you left, and a lot of parents fail to understand that and assume you are still 17 and should be treated as such. 

Try to be the better person though. When you feel like you're going to lash out, channel that energy to more constructive expression.


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