# I'm kind of torn up, and I don't know if what I've done is right



## Featherling (Jan 22, 2014)

I suppose it should be noted that I couldn't even get through the first page of this thread before I had to start composing a reply. (I'll probably read the rest of it before I actually post, though, so...) 

I know, only too well, what it's like to have that hot, complicated ball of tangled, twisted, aggravated emotions in regards to a parent. For me, I couldn't help but love my mother; she was _my mother,_ and I was _her daughter_, and we were _family_ (whatever that was supposed to mean). She may have been an insane, manipulative, emotionally abusive, toxic, attention whoring, gold digging cow; but she was _my mother_, and I loved her even as I resented her, and pitied, and hated her. She may have fucked me up, she may have brainwashed and manipulated me, she may have given me more issues than I can shake a stick at: but she was my mother, and I loved (and still love) her in spite of it all. She may have been sick, she may have made bad decisions, she may have been irresponsible, and broken, but she was still my mother, and I can't help but (still) love her in the heartrending, sad, and possibly pathetic way that I do.

She eventually crossed a line she shouldn't have crossed, and I was _done._ I cut all contact with her, and when my brother came calling months later, begging and pleading that I hear her out (that she wasn't going to make it): I _refused._ And so she died, knowing how much I absolutely (loved) loathed her. 

And when that fact finally hit home, I felt like a _monster._ 

It wouldn't have cost me anything to listen to her feeble, too little, too late apologies and regrets. It wouldn't have inconvenienced me at all to give her a few minutes to say goodbye, to give her her last wish, her last desire to know that I had forgiven her (how could I not, eventually? She was _my mother_). And I refused; I let the woman who birthed me close to a quarter century ago go to her grave thinking I despised her (rather than let on about this complex, tangle of emotions that's really there) just because I was angry and me and my principles were _done._

The thing is, while it hurts (and makes me so very sad/angry), I don't really regret it. I wasn't ready, and that's _okay;_ I have to keep reminding myself that it is, in fact, okay. That my feelings were perfectly justified, and while we'll never be able to say the things left unsaid, or reconcile our differences _at least it is over._ There's always going to be a twinge of loss or remorse when I think about her ( but there will always be anger and resentment, and outright hatred to overwhelm it) as there will always be the sad, convoluted love I have for her. 

So, what I am trying to say is: you're right. While it hurts, and it feels like there's one of those things from The Alien, or that Steven King novel, in your belly: you are right. Your feelings are completely justified, and it's alright to be angry, to be abso-fucking-lutely furious, to hate her (or both your parents). It's _natural_, and it's _okay_, and it's _fine_; so what if you aren't ready to "forget" (never a good idea) and forgive? Everyone is entitled to a little time, a little space, and the chance to work through their issues (hopefully away from the people who caused them in the first place). Maybe one day you'll be ready, but it's okay if that's not today, or tomorrow, or the day after that. 

I can only hope my story (and the sad, sorry tale that it is) has helped in some way, or has, at least, given you something (someone) to relate to. I know what was right for me (and it wasn't quite right, was it?) won't be right for you, but there's some very nice advice in this thread: set up boundaries, lighten the load on your shoulders, and get around to seeing that shrink. (Which is something I need to do too; I feel you there.) I know it hurts, and it's hard, but you need to do what you need to do. 

I commend you for leaving an escape route for your siblings, should they desire to take it. (There's also nothing keeping you from contacting CPS in the new state, or dropping them an anonymous tip.) I wish you luck and health.


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## Sinfalcon (Jan 11, 2014)

Featherling said:


> I suppose it should be noted that I couldn't even get through the first page of this thread before I had to start composing a reply. (I'll probably read the rest of it before I actually post, though, so...)
> 
> I know, only too well, what it's like to have that hot, complicated ball of tangled, twisted, aggravated emotions in regards to a parent. For me, I couldn't help but love my mother; she was _my mother,_ and I was _her daughter_, and we were _family_ (whatever that was supposed to mean). She may have been an insane, manipulative, emotionally abusive, toxic, attention whoring, gold digging cow; but she was _my mother_, and I loved her even as I resented her, and pitied, and hated her. She may have fucked me up, she may have brainwashed and manipulated me, she may have given me more issues than I can shake a stick at: but she was my mother, and I loved (and still love) her in spite of it all. She may have been sick, she may have made bad decisions, she may have been irresponsible, and broken, but she was still my mother, and I can't help but (still) love her in the heartrending, sad, and possibly pathetic way that I do.
> 
> ...


Luck and health to you as well. I hope you work through your issues, as well. Thanks for sharing. It's comforting to know that I'm not the only one.


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