# Chemistry with someone that won't go away



## justkitten (Apr 24, 2012)

I’m in a happy, healthy, long term relationship but I can’t seem to get rid of these strong feelings I have for a mutual friend (I’ll call him A). About 1.5 years ago, A & I started to become much better friends. We have a very strong connection but there was also a ton of chemistry there. I actually considered leaving my boyfriend (A was single at the time), but decided that wasn’t what I wanted. A and I stopped talking altogether, but see each other occasionally when our friends plan something.
Fast forward to now, I’m still with my boyfriend and A has had a girlfriend for a while. He contacted me out of the blue a few weeks ago and said he’s missed having me in his life. The truth is, so have I. We talked about how difficult it is to pretend like we don’t care, and how although we’re both really happy in our relationships, we can’t help but wonder “what if” sometimes.
What I’m struggling with is why have these feelings not gone away after all this time? And now I know it’s not just me. I truly don’t want to dump my boyfriend, and I don’t think he wants to leave his girlfriend... but if both of us were single, I’m sure we’d be together in a heartbeat. But we aren’t. So how on earth do I handle having someone like that in my life? And since decent friendships are already so scarce in my life, how on earth can I give up his friendship just because there are also feelings there?
Any thoughts are appreciated  - especially if someone has dealt with anything similar. I just feel like my thoughts are really clouded right now!


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## sprinkles (Feb 7, 2010)

I know how you feel totally. Unfortunately I'm not really sure how to deal with it myself. I've always just tried to tough it out.

Some people just connect strongly. Personally I'm loyal to a fault nearly which is why I'm so very careful who I give my loyalty to. Once given it is very hard to break and strain on it usually results in damage to _me_ rather than the bond itself...


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## nonesuch (Mar 5, 2012)

Wow. That's rough. I got in a similar tangle last year, but due to my extremely reserved nature, I was able to entirely remove any chemistry (or just mask any desire for relationships). It just goes with being a robot. I just sorta cut off my emotion. It was painful, nut I did it.

Note: if you are even remotely emotional, desist. You do not want to do this. I am a bad example. I don't give advice, I just wanted to tell you not to remove yourself from the equation. Do what you think is best, most important in the long run. If you want to run away in love, go for it. Then make a movie about it. Love movies sell like hot-cake.


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## justkitten (Apr 24, 2012)

sprinkles - It’s kind of nice to know I’m not the only one who has experienced this, though I wouldn’t wish it upon anybody because it’s really difficult/confusing. The natural pull I feel towards this person seems completely out of my hands. So far all I know how to do is tough it out as well, has that really worked for you?

gps1784 - Sometimes I really envy people like you who can just make a decision like that & go through with it, lol. In my head I know that cutting off all contact will probably be the best way to end this, but I can’t do it because a) I’ll constantly wonder if I was wrong and b) I’m not prepared to put the effort into it that it would require - my close guy friend is best friends with him. He will never completely go away, unless I actively avoided him to the point that it was obvious. Which would then make it even worse. But possible movie-worthy


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## strawberryLola (Sep 19, 2010)

Sounds like a tough situation when you want that chemistry with the person you are with and it's not quite the same as the person you feel mutually towards. 

By not saying something to them and not being honest, you could hurt the other person including yourself more if you're not honest about what's really going on. Sugar-coating can only go so far. Years down along the line, being honest will at least prevent even further heartache (especially for other parties involved- not just the s.o.'s- potential children). Sorta like a house built on lies/unstable ground- when life gets tough, a relationship built on slippery slopes may not withstand the test of time. By being upfront, you two as a couple still have a chance when the other partner is not completely in the dark.


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