# I never miss anyone... is this a problem?



## hermsta (Nov 13, 2013)

I never miss anyone... even my family. I'm in college out-of-state and I don't get to see my parents and sister very often (3-4 days every few months), but I have never once missed them in the three years that I've been in university. 

This really disturbs me to confess and makes me feel awful, but I don't even think I love my family. And I hate that about myself and don't understand why I'm like this. It makes me feel like a horrible person. 

The only time I can recall missing something this past year was my bird, who is back at home, and she is probably the closest thing that I'll ever come close to loving--and even then I don't miss her _that_ much. 

What is wrong with me? Why am I like this? I cry easily in movies and in real life--I'm touched by acts of kindness, by people and animals, and will often get very emotional over little things that most people don't find particularly sad... I can empathize with people, and I understand my own emotions. I have many friends who I love talking to, who I enjoy being around, who I consider close. And yet I could stop talking to them for several weeks and not miss a single one. Am I emotionally disconnected or something to people in my life? I wish I could change this about myself.


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## Promethea (Aug 24, 2009)

Aspergers?


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## hermsta (Nov 13, 2013)

Promethea said:


> Aspergers?


I definitely don't have Asperger's, unless it's possible that this is the only symptom that can be manifested? I don't have problems interacting socially with anyone, am not idiosyncratic in my behavior, and/or am not physically clumsy. I can empathize with people and understand emotions.


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## WinterFox (Sep 19, 2013)

hermsta said:


> I never miss anyone... even my family. I'm in college out-of-state and I don't get to see my parents and sister very often (3-4 days every few months), but I have never once missed them in the three years that I've been in university.
> 
> This really disturbs me to confess and makes me feel awful, but I don't even think I love my family. And I hate that about myself and don't understand why I'm like this. It makes me feel like a horrible person.
> 
> ...





holy cow, I am the same way as you too.
And you probably felt this way because you don't feel any connection to them and you don't feel understood by them and you are unable to relate to them. Trust me, when you meet someone whom you clicked with and felt understood by, you will then understand how it feels like to miss someone :tongue:

You are not emotionless, you just haven't met people whom you clicked with yet, and your family probably has very different personality and temperament as you.


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## lblouin1 (Oct 8, 2013)

!


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## Off The Hitch (Nov 9, 2012)

I know I personally don't miss anybody except for my parents. Now that I'm older I actually think this wouldn't be the case anymore.

My younger brother has been away from home overseas for a year now and I still don't miss him. 

But hey, I don't like people and am terribly reclusive. So I'm not sure I'm a good example to go off if you were looking for solidarity.

I don't seem to grapple with any of the moral shortcomings you ascribe to yourself. It genuinely doesn't bother me.

Considering it appears to bother you, you probably do care (or miss them) more than you realize.


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## Kittynip (Mar 24, 2013)

That's an interesting dilemma and there are many different perspectives you could approach that from. 

Here's the thing about problems OP - sometimes for a some of them, the issue mainly resides in whether or not YOU consider it to be one. 
Given what you've said about your situation, from an outsider's point of view I don't think you're hurting anyone in your family by feeling the way that you do. I'd recommend taking a bit of time to think about that - because if you feel as if you're inadvertently harming them or disappointing them, I don't think that you are. 

Acknowledging that, I'll be straightforward and tell you that I'm more concerned with how your feelings are negatively affecting you. You seem to be feeling guilty, and as you've stated in your post, it's both disturbing you to confess it while making you feel awful in the process. That indicates that you feel like you're doing something wrong, but what do you define as 'wrong' OP?

Hmmm.
_Dun dun dun_. I suppose we could look at it from a hypothetical manner: 
(Bear with me please, even if it's cliche. Hehe.)

*Hypothetical Manner Time: Begin!!!
*OK, envision somebody. Make him up. This person is hypothetical. Obviously.  
We can even give him a name, OK? Let's call him… Justin Bieber. Or wait. That's a horrible name. 
He doesn't have to have a name, actually. He's probably better off that way. /grin

Anyway. Now. This Person - you don't know him, alright? You just know that he exists. Maybe you're aware of a few of his characteristics, and have run into him at school several times, but nothing beyond that. 

OK. OP, would you say that you miss him?
More importantly: does the idea of NOT missing him _bother_ you?

I feel as if this is the distinguishing aspect present here. 

Your feelings bothered you enough to write a post about it when it regarded your family. 
Simply put, the fact that you felt strongly enough (even if it was a negative emotion - guilt, etc) is something that's there for them, when it's not there for a stranger. Those are still feelings, and guilt is often an indication that you feel you owe someone something, or that you've done them wrong. For someone that you don't care about, believe me, that guilt would _not_ be present. 

I'd suggest also taking some time to consider that, perhaps introspect a little. 
I'll be straightforward OP, because I'd like to address what you said on your ability to empathize as well as understand your own emotions. 
*Empathy* is a tricky thing when it comes to situations like this ones - it's the ability to _understand_ how someone else feels even if it's not something you yourself have experienced. *Sympathy* on the other hand, is a bit different - it's being able to _share and experience_ the same feelings as someone else. It's basically sorrow. 

Sorrow and understanding are different things. In my opinion, I believe them to be separate entities; different ways of viewing someone's situation. 
If you used the MBTI as a simple example, think: That's an interesting dilemma and there are many different perspectives you could approach that from. 

Here's the thing about problems OP - sometimes for a some of them, the issue mainly resides in whether or not YOU consider it to be one. 
Given what you've said about your situation, from an outsider's point of view I don't think you're hurting anyone in your family by feeling the way that you do. I'd recommend taking a bit of time to think about that - because if you feel as if you're inadvertently harming them or disappointing them, I don't think that you are. 

Acknowledging that, I'll be straightforward and tell you that I'm more concerned with how your feelings are negatively affecting you. You seem to be feeling guilty, and as you've stated in your post, it's both disturbing you to confess it while making you feel awful in the process. That indicates that you feel like you're doing something wrong, but what do you define as 'wrong' OP?

I suppose we could look at it from a hypothetical manner: 

Bear with me, even if it's cliche. Hehe.

OK, envision somebody. Make him up. This person is hypothetical. 
We can even give him a name, OK? Let's call him… *Justin Bieber*. Or wait. That's a horrible name, actually. 
He doesn't have to have a name, actually. He's probably better off that way. 

Now. This Person - you don't know him, alright? You just know that he exists. Maybe you're aware of a few of his characteristics, and have run into him at school several times, but nothing beyond that. 

OK. OP, would you say that you miss him?
More importantly: does the idea of NOT missing him _bother_ you?

I feel as if this may be the distinguishing aspect present here. 

Your feelings bothered you enough to write a post about it when it regarded your family, OP. 
Simply put, the fact that you felt strongly enough (even if it was a negative emotion - guilt, etc) is something that's there for them, when it's not there for a stranger. Those are still feelings, and guilt is often an indication that you feel you owe someone something, or that you've done them wrong. For someone that you don't care about, believe me, that guilt would _not_ be present. 

I'd suggest also taking some time to consider that, perhaps introspect a little. 
I'll be straightforward OP, because I'd like to address what you said on your ability to empathize as well as understand your own emotions. 
Empathy is a tricky thing when it comes to situations like this ones - it's the ability to _understand_ how someone else feels even if it's not something you yourself have experienced. Sympathy on the other hand, is a bit different - it's being able to _share and experience_ the same feelings as someone else. It's basically sorrow. 

Sorrow and understanding are different things. In my opinion, I believe them to be separate entities; different ways of viewing someone's situation. 
If you used the MBTI as a simple example, think: *T* *pref* vs. *F pref*. 
People approach situations with distinct preferences, but it doesn't necessarily mean that one is better than the other. 

Everyone has their way of loving others and everyone has different ways of dealing with absence. 
Cliche, cliche, I know, but there's often truth to common beliefs. 

I've been writing my post in this particular way (metaphorical, etc) because honestly, I really believe that peace of mind is best achieved when you're the one who's reached a conclusion. Choices and interpretations that you make on your own OP, are the ones that will resonate with you, because they're the ones that will belong to you. Because you made them on your own, after taking the time to consider what values are important to you. That kind of thing imo, is something that needs to be decided by yourself when it comes to achieving satisfaction. 

That said, I'll be more objective. 
OP, emotional disconnections can occur as a way of coping with a difficult situation. University is TOUGH, girl - you're in an entirely new environment, and sometimes one way to get through it is to detach and go through the situation, possibly due to the fear of the possibility of becoming emotionally overwhelmed. 

A bird is certainly in a different category than one where most would associate their family members into. 
This is my personal speculation/observations from my own experiences: it's often easier to mourn something that is of less significance because the depth of it is less daunting. Family on the other hand, are the ones you've spent your entire life with, and extent of your feelings towards them is probably harder to ascertain. Familial bonds can run far beyond what usually be measured, and exploring the possible intensity that belongs to that kind of relationship… 

It's hard. Much harder than determining what a bird means to you. 

Again, it's also possible that it's not coping that's at play, but rather your approach to dealing with things, but from your post, my assumption belongs to the former. 

*Anecdote time* - I'm often detached as well, and there was a time I felt very guilty about not feeling more strongly. I still struggle with it. But I've since stopped blaming myself for just being the way that I am, because there's nothing wrong with it. I love them, but love is so relative, and although people try to determine it through a set definition of this acute level of emotion and devotion - no. That's not it. 

*Metaphor time* again, but: that's like saying everyone likes pizza. Or to even take it further, that everyone should want children. I personally don't believe that possessing either preference makes anyone a bad person, only that it suggests that everyone has different desires. 

The things I mentioned are constructed definitions that may apply to the majority, but a majority would not exist without a minority being present. 

Lastly OP, I'll ask you to consider another thing if you'd like to: it's a rare person who's truly able to understand how they feel. Emotions =/= logic, and again, neither is better than the other. However, while logic remains in the realm of concrete objectivity and fact, emotions are far more relative and personal to the individual. This makes it difficult when you try to compare attributes of feelings, because it's just so fluid and different. Situationally, it also changes. 

I think that the first step to understanding yourself is accepting that it's impossible to. Confusion is a good thing, imo: questioning yourself can lead to progress in realizing your character, if you allow yourself to take times of doubt as opportunity for insight. 

Wall of text, but here's my *TL;DR*/summary of everything: It's OK to feel the way that you do, but what's not OK is how it's making YOU feel.


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## Word Dispenser (May 18, 2012)

hermsta said:


> I never miss anyone... even my family. I'm in college out-of-state and I don't get to see my parents and sister very often (3-4 days every few months), but I have never once missed them in the three years that I've been in university.
> 
> This really disturbs me to confess and makes me feel awful, but I don't even think I love my family. And I hate that about myself and don't understand why I'm like this. It makes me feel like a horrible person.
> 
> ...


Hm...

I don't think it's a problem.

Did you get to visit during holidays during those 3 years?

I think it makes sense not to miss family. Sometimes you're doing your own thing, you are paying attention to things in your own life. And sometimes, you don't realize you missed them until you're with them, and they say something that reminds you of what you missed.

You're only out of state, not out of the country. Theoretically, you could visit them at any time you wanted. They're accessible. Maybe that's why.

Also: Do you find yourself talking to them on the phone, over messengers, or over video chat? If so, they're right there. Why would you miss them?

I spent a lot of time away from my family during school, but didn't miss them. I really learned what it was like to miss them when I started living in another country for several years without seeing them, however. :tongue:

And, maybe you don't miss 'em because they didn't treat you well.


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## LadyO.W.BernieBro (Sep 4, 2010)

l know once l miss someone, there's something really special happening there :kitteh:


l'm not sure why it doesn't happen often, it's _not_ that l don't care about people.lt's just that some people are more easily replaced than others >_>


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## Ravenetta (Oct 23, 2013)

Here are just a couple of considerations.

Some people internalize the idea of a person with whom they interact. In this way the person is always with them, so there is never any actual separation. To the degree that the idea accurately represents the person this can still be a real relationship with the person, but people who do this can go for long periods without refreshing that "idea".

If you are hyper-emotional, then it could be that the absences and connection to family is more intense than you are able to process and so you suppress it into your subconscious instead of dealing with it In that way you could almost be in a type of denial during separation and even possibly when interacting. If you find any changes in physical symptoms associated with leaving or interacting with them, then you may be processing it subconsciously.

It could also be that there is some type of emotional harm or neglect that has been done to you by your family and so you have developed a type of self-protection by walling them out.

It is also part of a human being's natural, psychological development to distance oneself from family while developing independence and a sense of one's adult self.

I suspect there are many more possible explanations. The only thing I would suggest is to talk to a counselor about it if it is causing you any distress. I don't think you should feel guilty because it is simply a state of being and there is some explanation for it.


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