# Eating disorder recovery thread



## birdsintrees (Aug 20, 2012)

I need one of these threads and I figure that there might be more PerCers who do. Not an advice thread. Maybe just an ED venting thread?

I’ll start. 

I had an eating disorder as a teenager. If I’m honest, I probably still do. I still struggle with body image and weight loss. If I am honest then I have to admit that the only time I’m feeling on top of things is when I am treading that very fine line between healthy behaviour and relapsing into destructive behaviour. That very fine line between being a healthy bmi and underweight. Between eating barely 1200kcals or not making too big of a deal about the numbers. 

I’ve had two babies since 2016 and being pregnant was hard. Especially in the first trimester when the weight first started coming on I had a full on panic attack with both of them. With my last pregnancy I would catch myself trying to eat as lightly as possible to influence the scales at midwife appointments. Fast forward to baby being nine months I just had a major slip up after noticing breastfeeding two kids made me lose all the baby weight and more and I started calorie counting again and it triggered some really bad diet choices. I’m in a position now where I physically have to eat a certain amount of calories in order to be able to nourish my kids but tbh; if that wasn’t the case I probably would be back to my old ways. I’m probably a little too excited being able to look forward to excessive exercise again once I am out of the baby stage. 

I’m at a point where I can eat a brownie and enjoy it. .. until I sit down and try to figure out how much I should walk to burn it off.


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## Lakigigar (Jan 4, 2016)

Tarrassy said:


> It is sad to hear. I hope you find a way to handle this. I have a different situation. I eat a lot, start to gain weight, it depresses me and I eat even more, until I start to sit on the most rigid diet to regain my weight. As soon as I am below my normal weight, I again begin to eat and gain weight. I was helped by a psychologist. He asked me to express my feelings, and not to bite them. But if I have stress, I return to this habit.


that could be sign of EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified), with bingeing and anorexia (but normal weight) symptoms. ED's can evolve and i believe in a spectrum of eating disorders, not in: "you either have one or not"-ed's and labels.


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## birdsintrees (Aug 20, 2012)

I guess there was zero need for this thread for others lol. Anyway. My own thread then. 

Still losing weight. Still restricting calories and probably still over exercising but an injury put a temporary halt on that part. The anxiety and related obsessive actions have faded though and that is good. Maybe that is only because I don’t have to do much restricting in order to keep losing weight at the moment and I can imagine that it might return if/when my daily calorie needs become less again once I stop nursing at some point down the track.


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## Lakigigar (Jan 4, 2016)

birdsintrees said:


> I guess there was zero need for this thread for others lol. Anyway. My own thread then.
> 
> Still losing weight. Still restricting calories and probably still over exercising but an injury put a temporary halt on that part. The anxiety and related obsessive actions have faded though and that is good. Maybe that is only because I don’t have to do much restricting in order to keep losing weight at the moment and I can imagine that it might return if/when my daily calorie needs become less again once I stop nursing at some point down the track.


There is a need for this thread. I might go in recovery soon... obligatory though.


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## birdsintrees (Aug 20, 2012)

I'm a bit nervous about completing my half marathon goal. Running and the half marathon training really forced me into a healthy pattern of nutrition again and I got to a place where I could almost feel relaxed about food. I'm 3 weeks out from my race and I don't know what comes after. I'd love to progress on to marathon training to keep going on this path but I simply can't put that kind of time aside. Not having any goals is when I easily slip back into u healthy habits and when anxiety slips back in my mind. The last few days SO has been late home from work and I have said I've eaten with the kids when in reality I've just picked at their leftovers. Not good. Also not sure where to go from here.


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## birdsintrees (Aug 20, 2012)

Overall I think I'm doing ok. I have managed to stick to my resolution of no longer standing on the scales. Food still makes me anxious. We went out as a family today and because we had zero other options and screaming kids we ended up in a fast food place and my SO ordered food. It took a lot not to go to the bathroom and bring it all up. And because I didn't bring it up my head is stuck in a downwards spiral of strategies how to off set this junk food. 

So that's not good.


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## sunnyleo (Jul 1, 2020)

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## birdsintrees (Aug 20, 2012)

sunnyleo said:


> I struggle with just avoiding food altogether, food itself being the source of anxiety. based on a lot of childhood trauma.
> 
> i haven't been eating adequately for the past few months and lost a lot of weight, i weigh less than i did as a teenager now. i definitely need to start gaining weight but it's a huge struggle because i just get overwhelmed by food and don't really like thinking about it.
> 
> ...


You will get through this. Its worth considering also working on your relationship with yourself. Hang in there.


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## sunnyleo (Jul 1, 2020)

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## birdsintrees (Aug 20, 2012)

sunnyleo said:


> Thank you. I’ve been working on that actually  it’s a beautiful growing thing
> 
> But my relationship to my body is pure neglect atm. And that’s why she won’t sleep when I ask her to or just feels like garbage. We’re working on it 😔
> 
> Any tips? U seem to have some experience


Too much to sum up in a few sentences but a good place to start is to stop seeing your body as a separate entity. Your body is you. Your body allows your mind to do all these great things. It deserves care and respect. 

And then there's also the fact that all the thin in the world isn't going to fix your problems. I'm happier now at a healthyish weight than that I was while underweight. 

Delete any and all body imagery from your social media. Or just cancel it altogether. It helps. 

And most importantly; seek help.


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## sibersonique (Jun 18, 2020)

birdsintrees said:


> I need one of these threads and I figure that there might be more PerCers who do. Not an advice thread. Maybe just an ED venting thread?
> 
> I’ll start.
> 
> ...


I just discovered this thread. I hope it's OK if I post here.

I have an ED too. Except instead of being underweight, my doctor's been on my case to lose weight ever since I met her when I was 30. Diets scare me. I can't handle the feeling of food being restricted. I make jokes about having a sweet tooth and loving junk food, but the truth is I also have destructive behavior around food. I'll eat until I feel sick and sometimes until I actually get sick. I usually arrange it so that I can eat alone.

I tried Overeaters Anonymous, but I didn't like the thought of reporting my daily food intake to a sponsor, and the thought of abstaining from sugar made me feel almost suicidal.

Several years ago I tried a course in mindful eating, and I liked it. I still have the materials, but I don't have any support system or buddies who understand, and I've fallen off that wagon.

Thank you to the previous posters who shared their experiences. I wish us all well.


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## sheepysowner (Apr 26, 2020)

I’m only young and as a former fat kid [between the ages of 9 and 13 I was noticeably chubby and weighed a bit too much for my height and age] I’m now aware I’ve got anorexia no doubt. Every day I walk 20,000 steps a day [I break it down into 7,500 in morning, 5,500 when I come home from school, 4,500 just after tea, and 2,500 in the evening] and never take rest days, and restrict my calorie intake to 1,200 a day. When I’m discussing the calorie content of meals, I hate it when people intereupt because they don’t fully understand how strict I am. I lost 2.2 KG in 1 month and I’m too scared to stop living this lifestyle. Even tho I’m skinny af and aware of it [BMI = ~17.7, waist circumference = ~67 cm], I’m paranoid that I’ve got unfavourable genetics and just naturally bigger than others so I have to put in extra effort.


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## TKDfan888 (Aug 3, 2020)

Hope you all recover and I wish you the best.


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## eeo (Aug 25, 2020)

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## birdsintrees (Aug 20, 2012)

@eeo It sounds like you're not back to square one entirely as you didn't follow up with a binge like you used to. That's still progress. The 'cheat' meal was planned, it wasn't uncontrolled. That's a positive as well. Use that disappointment and frustration into something to do something positive for yourself and your body.

Hang in there.


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## birdsintrees (Aug 20, 2012)

Reviving this thread because I had a bit of a setback. 

I thought I was going to be ok doing a little bit of calorie counting to lose a little bit of weight and getting myself onto a running program that was perhaps a little excessive. I even felt confident enough to have the scales live in the bathroom.

To absolutely no one's surprise: That was a bad idea. My head is in a bad place right now and I am taking active steps to work myself out of there again. The numbers game is addictive to me. It's too easy of a validation strategy to feel good about myself and then when something goes wrong (I can't run for a week because I ran myself a mild injury), I crumble because I've based all my feel good for the past few months on weight going down and running distance going up. I am realising that it is a broader perfectionism issue and this is just my easiest coping mechanism. Work harder, Do better, Be better. That way you don't have to deal with uncomfortable truths and people can't focus on anything but your achievements. It's not sustainable and it is exhausting. The past few days I have felt depressed, unmotivated and worthless. The inner critic is fking deafening at the moment and I know it is going to take a while to get her back into her little padded cell again.

Today I got up, put the scales far away, I deleted the calorie counter, I changed my smart watch so there is no reference to steps, calories and activity minutes available at a single swipe and I am making time for meditation and mindfulness. When I can get back to running, it's going to have to be without a watch or tracker.

I wish I could get rid of this for good. I don't know if I ever will.


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