# I can be a jerk. Where do I get nice lessons?



## drmiller100 (Dec 3, 2011)

kind of sincere.

I'd like to lighten up. and be kinder. 

and more patient.


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## SweetPickles (Mar 19, 2012)

I'm sorry you are doomed


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## drmiller100 (Dec 3, 2011)

ouch. from an infp no less.

(grins)


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

drmiller100 said:


> kind of sincere.
> 
> I'd like to lighten up. and be kinder.
> 
> and more patient.


Aw hell...taking a deep breath before you speak (or act) probably won't work. 

You might need an outlet for your anger. How about martial arts?


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## Hollow Man (Aug 12, 2011)

Speaking less can help. People sometimes assume one is a nice or kinder person when that one kind person doesn't speak as much. 

Asking a person about what they like or a more pointed specific question an object or interest of theirs is a thing that could comfort and maybe be kind. And then listen to what they have to say without interjecting.

Doing things or being open to doing things for people is always good...sometimes it's as simple as reaching for something high and far on a shelf (if you're tall). Or actually holding the door for someone who actually needs it (someone with their hands full). 


Sometimes what it takes is something to humble a person to become kinder...this could be a calamity. Sometimes those seem to affect me kind of easily. I probably have the opposite problem of you...:frustrating:


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## Zombie Devil Duckie (Apr 11, 2012)

I think you start by asking yourself why you want to change.

If you can't answer that, then nothing else will matter.


The rest comes through meditation and daily practice.


-ZDD


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## drmiller100 (Dec 3, 2011)

tanstaafl28 said:


> Aw hell...taking a deep breath before you speak (or act) probably won't work.
> 
> You might need an outlet for your anger. How about martial arts?


fanning the flames is not the right direction. I have projects which let me take out my drive to get things done. 

I went to church the other night. shockingly therapeutic. 

maybe more of that.


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## drmiller100 (Dec 3, 2011)

Zombie Devil Duckie said:


> I think you start by asking yourself why you want to change.
> 
> I
> -ZDD


Because I want a nice person in my life. And a nice person might not put up with my abruptness.


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## Doctor Sleep (Apr 16, 2013)

Being a jerk doesn't mean that you're terrible for people, it just means that you can mess up every now and again. The fact that you're calling yourself out for it is reason enough to know that you're liable to change, if you enjoyed feeding off someones pain or anguish with you then you're on a bad streak but you can break off of that too.


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## Chaerephon (Apr 28, 2013)

No joke man, whether you believe the Bible or not, read a little bit of the New Testament and generally mimic the attitude of Christ (as best you can lol). The other person to mimic is Socrates, just read a couple of Plato's Dialogues (some aren't too long), and you can get an idea of what kind of guy he was. Looking to people of the past helps show us different ways of acting. Both Christ and Socrates were cool dudes.

Live by the Golden Rule: Don't take any liberty over others you wouldn't want taken over you.


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## Doctor Sleep (Apr 16, 2013)

I second the above statement. Whether you believe or not, everyone can admit that Jesus was cool


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## drmiller100 (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm not a sadist. Buddha, Socrates, and the Tao are all things I read.


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## Doctor Sleep (Apr 16, 2013)

Well there you go, you can be a better person by owning up to your mistakes, some people will reject it but in time they will learn if you keep at asking for forgiveness.


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## Chaerephon (Apr 28, 2013)

drmiller100 said:


> I'm not a sadist. Buddha, Socrates, and the Tao are all things I read.


Then putting the teachings into action should imply you are probably a cool guy then.


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## LostFavor (Aug 18, 2011)

drmiller100 said:


> kind of sincere.
> 
> I'd like to lighten up. and be kinder.
> 
> and more patient.


What sets off your impatience? Why do you feel you take things unnecessarily seriously? What aspects of your behavior do you feel are unkind?


(You don't have to answer here if you don't feel comfortable doing so - the questions are meant to get you thinking about the root causes.)


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## Dao (Sep 13, 2013)

Surround yourself with compassionate and positive people and cut ties with any jerks with whom you currently associate. A person's social circle has a significant impact on that person's attitude and behavior.


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## VinnieBob (Mar 24, 2014)

drmiller100 said:


> kind of sincere.
> 
> I'd like to lighten up. and be kinder.
> 
> and more patient.


not from INTJ's we wrote the book on jerkdom, if you don't believe us then it can be confirmed by other types


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## Cheveyo (Nov 19, 2010)

Mr. Rogers and Dr. Who.


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## drmiller100 (Dec 3, 2011)

LostFavor said:


> What sets off your impatience? Why do you feel you take things unnecessarily seriously? What aspects of your behavior do you feel are unkind?
> 
> 
> (You don't have to answer here if you don't feel comfortable doing so - the questions are meant to get you thinking about the root causes.)


I have a huge drive to get things done, to make change, to make things "right." Sometimes that is appropriate. I am a mechanic, and I fix cars. 

But when my daughter wants me to listen, there is no "hurry up" and sometimes I get impatient. Sometimes I offer advice based upon what is best for the person from my perspective. I don't hardly ever think about how the person will take the advice.

I get impatient with people doing harmful things over and over and expect different results. I tell them what to do, and they keep doing it, so I walk away.

If I could say things nicer, I would be more effective. Also, I spin a lot of people off of me, which hurts me sometimes. That biker gang called me an asshat, and called the cops on me. If I was nicer, they'd think more kindly of me.


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## LostFavor (Aug 18, 2011)

drmiller100 said:


> I have a huge drive to get things done, to make change, to make things "right." Sometimes that is appropriate. I am a mechanic, and I fix cars.
> 
> But when my daughter wants me to listen, there is no "hurry up" and sometimes I get impatient. Sometimes I offer advice based upon what is best for the person from my perspective. I don't hardly ever think about how the person will take the advice.
> 
> ...


How do you feel when you're in a situation where someone else is in charge of things? 

One thing that has helped me with understanding people is keeping in mind that sometimes people just want a sounding board. Sometimes they don't even care whether the person they're talking to says 50 words or 1. They just want someone to sound things off of. Your daughter may be one of those people.

I can understand and relate to the need to be doing something, getting something done, etc. What I would recommend for the conversations with your daughter specifically is find a way to frame it in which you feel like you're accomplishing something. Maybe by sitting down and doing little else but listening you're getting something done in that you're being a sounding board for her.

If you feel compelled to take physical action, you could do some sort of activity while talking to her (such as tinkering with a car). 

For some ideas on how to deal with people in general, I strongly recommend Dale Carnegie's _How to Win Friends and Influence People_. Some of the tips in there are golden and it can feel almost magical how well they work at times.

I also recommend taking up meditation. I've yet to form a habit doing it myself because it's hard for me to approach in a way that isn't "something to get done," but from the times I have done meditation, I can tell you that gently slowing yourself down and tugging your attention to the otherwise unnoticed things going in the immediate moment can work wonders. 

It can feel like a monstrously boring task to accomplish at first, but I've consistently found that when I meditate for long enough, I'm actually disappointed when my set time is up.


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## Mendi the ISFJ (Jul 28, 2011)

drmiller100 said:


> kind of sincere.
> 
> I'd like to lighten up. and be kinder.
> 
> and more patient.


weekly meeting are available in the ISFJ forum. be punctual.


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