# How to combat limerence?



## perennialurker

Any ideas or suggestions are welcome. I am not in a relationship with the LO and barely know anything about her. I just want to regain control of my emotions. To anyone with experience in these matters, how does one do this?


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## Animal

Lust & Limerance - Blogs - PersonalityCafe

Inspiration - Blogs - PersonalityCafe

I've written some things recently, those are them ^ (although it appears I misspelled "limerence")

To me, (and to Trent Reznor, who coined this phrase): "The way out is through."

Many people do not agree, but that is the only solution I can offer. It works for me every time, and faster than you might think. I indulge my feelings, blast rage music or love songs, cry, lose my appetite, whatever.

Ideally, I would pursue him and wear my heart on my sleeve. I can't always do this as much as I would like, and sometimes I do it more than I would like. But the best way to combat limerence is, ironically, to get rejected. If I wear my heart on my sleeve and give him everything I've got, and he doesn't want it, that's a cold hard smack in the face that makes him suddenly MUCH less attractive and puts all my fantasies to rest. I'm in disbelief at first... of course he wants me! He's lying! Then I'm angry... why doesn't he want me? I would have given him everything!! Then I think.. he doesn't want it. It's not my fault. He just has bad taste. 

If he doesn't want me back.. I continue indulging my sadness and rage... until my fire and intensity burn out. This has yet to take me longer than a couple of weeks (except after a very very long intense relationship)... usually it's gone within days or hours. If he does want me, then I'm in for a long, heated ride.

However, if I am unable to be straight-forward, for one reason or another (usually, my silly reason being, "If I wait, he will want me more, or I'll have a better chance" ) .. (although underneath, I'm probably just being a coward who fears rejection) .... then, I am not in control of when the feelings go away, so I am really ruining my own life. Although sometimes it works to go half-way.. like pursue the person, without actually saying "I want you" .. and gage how they respond.


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## Koboremi

It'll fade with time. At least, it did for me.


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## bluekitdon

Have a written list of required and desired qualities in a person before you get into a relationship. That way you have something objective to look back at once you're in a relationship. If you try to do it when you're in the first part of the relationship it is much more difficult, then you may just end up describing the person you're with at the time, but it would still be worth a shot. 

You could ask some good friends or family members what they think and try to listen to what they're saying if you're already in the relationship as well.


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## perennialurker

Perpendicular tothe World said:


> It'll fade with time. At least, it did for me.


I'm counting on it. I just wish there was some trick to speed this process up.


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## Animal

perennialurker said:


> I'm counting on it. I just wish there was some trick to speed this process up.


Rejection! :kitteh:

Hey, are you sure she's not into you? Why do you want to get rid of your feelings?


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## Snow

Limerence. I forgot about this word. I knew it a few years ago, when I was going through such a phase, and was trying to figure out why _the hell_ I was feeling all sorts of things. Since then, I've "undergone" it again, however I was able to _successfully_ figure it all out, and _successfully_ detach from it. So hopefully I can be of some help, here.

Limerence is a very frustrating thing to deal with, and for many more reasons than the obvious. The worst, for me, is it powerfully states "I don't want you as a friend, I want you as something more than a friend." And "I don't want to know who you really are, I just want emotional connection." This is obviously not true, but how can one really address this? I decided that is situational. I'll go through my silly "limerent" issues one by one, as I remember them. TL;DR below this though, as a summary of what I learned.

*First*: (Just child-like hormones?)

* *




I was 16ish, had a crush that became fairly overwhelming. She was my best friend's sister, and I had never had a relationship before (and was clueless about such things). I finally asked her out in a _super geeky_ manner, which she was very kind in saying "no." I was very upset of course, but those feelings faded and I believe I chalked them up to "immaturity."




*Second*: (Just a crush?)

* *




I married at 19 and entered a relationship with a women who later encouraged ideas of polygamy. Despite my inability to get on board with that, the "encouragement" included me being open to ideas of relationships with others, and eventually I found someone. (I was around 22ish.) It was a brief stint really, and my infatuation was fairly guarded; she had a child, and I felt so trapped by being married. I never pursued it really and it went away after a few weeks. (This is the "least powerful" instance, maybe it was more a "crush" than limerence.)




*Third*: (WTF was I thinking?)

* *




I divorced at 25, and got on OKCupid. Within a few messages with an ENFP, I was all-in, despite her living in another (nearby) state. If found that if I drove an average of 90mph, I could make it there in 1 hour 30 minutes. (Long highway, lots of visibility, very safe, yet still very stupid :crazy By the fifth date we were talking about her moving in with me... by the tenth date or so we made it happen. In three or four months we were talking about marriage lol. Fortunately by the 7th or 8th month I started to see things... and before the year was up I realized how silly it all was.




*Fourth*: (Most powerful, learned about limerence the most)

* *




At the end of this I met someone online in a chat forum, whom I really related to. Ti ftw, I connected in a way I hadn't previously connected with other humans. My mind thought this was great, and began correlating this connection with romance. I started to see what was happening, and didn't understand it very well. I told her at one point, and (fortunately) she stayed very neutral with me--no flirting, teasing, etc., and probably distanced herself from me a good bit. I tried to ignore all my feelings, and eventually quit going to the chat room altogether, asking a mod to delete my profile etc. Feelings still existed though, so I got back on OKCupid and started looking around. This helped, and finally I met someone I started to talk with. This dissolved my previous feelings and shifted them onto someone else. (I have learned a lot about myself since this, including my apparent (so-called) "need" for relationships, and what I thought was emotional co-dependency.)




*Fifth*: (Also most powerful, learned how to _deal with_ limerence and _why it happens_ the most)

* *




After breaking up with the second OKCupid girl, I began chatting with someone I had a _real connection_ to. She and I hit it off so well, my mind began generating "what-ifs" immediately. Fortunately, I had undergone this before and knew about it, so was very very careful. In addition, the woman and I were talking about some Buddhist-like techniques of detachment at the time, which I was actually able to successfully apply. I told her of my feelings after a while, in great fear she would simply "lulz fail seeya" me hah. She did not, and instead welcomed the feelings, but advised I _detach_ from them instead of try to _destroy_ them. And this is where things began to make sense, at least in _how to deal with it_ the most.




*Why it happens:*

This may be fairly subjective. I am an INTP, and I have fond that xNTPs develop "potential scenarios" with other humans a lot, despite the scenarios being realistic or logical whatsoever. This very realization has helped me understand limerence in a completely new light, and has given me the ability to know _how_ it is even possible to "stop being limerent."

Consider this: limerence is a "build up" and "creation of" your mind developing countless scenarios and "what-ifs" with another person. (I can do this, and often do, with objects or situations too, but obviously that's not _limerence._) In your mind, there exists a very large mass of information now surrounding one person. But that "mass of information" is not _your whole brain_, and in fact really only takes up a small part of it. Our daydreams and thoughts often _go there_, because it is very fun and exciting, but it only exists as a _part of one's mind_ and not the whole thing.

*How to deal with it:*

Once you have identified that it is a single aspect of your brain, you can then begin to _detach from it_. *DO NOT try to "destroy" it; that does not work and will only torment you to death.* Instead, try to simply let it exist there. If you begin wandering your thoughts that way, laugh internally at yourself and move away from it. Don't judge yourself or even get annoyed; it is a natural thing. Just detach, and move away. Keep doing this. If you want, occasionally let yourself think about it all, but only briefly and make sure you're thinking "objectively." As in, when you're done, again laugh at yourself and move on.

Keep in mind I'm not Buddhist and don't consider myself religious as all. The concept and idea behind Buddhism, however, is one of a person's ability to separate _what they are thinking_ from _who they are_. In essence, separate their _mind_ from their _identity_. Through testing meditation and attempting to experience "Being" (existing "in the present"), I realized I was able to detach from _anything_ that I wanted to--this includes the intense feelings of limerence! While this sounds a bit spiritual, it is not at all. I would strongly recommend considering some meditation type practices, as well as separate yourself from the idea that _you are only what your mind tells you_, and embrace more of the perspective _you are you, your mind can only influence you._ If you're interested, PM me for more details.


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## perennialurker

Since you ask (and since I have nothing better to do right now), I suspect that within the next few days things will change. The most likely and best outcome, is that she will be reassigned to a distant project, basically erasing all of these feelings instantly. 

The other scenario involves her joining a group of mutual friends. This is where the hope comes in as it would give me a chance to get to know her and maybe ask her out in a casual, safe environment. 

The third and by far worst scenario would have her not join these mutual friends, but instead she and I would be assigned to work on the same project. Thus, I would have no non-business time with her, but plenty of time to be around her at the office (torturing me).

This is why I am hoping that this will all blow over soon, but for now I'm left just hanging in suspense. I am not an emotional person by nature so I absolutely hate this idea of my feelings having such an intense control over me. I'm still open to suggestions for how to exorcise these feelings from me quickly, but so far it seems that the least bad option is to wait and see.


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## snail

As someone who has experienced some of the worst, most painful, obsessive, exciting, powerful, inspiring, miserable limerence ever, I can tell you from experience that the most reliable way of falling out of it is through forced separation (physical or emotional) from the limerent object. You're not likely to intentionally avoid the person you have such intense feelings for because going without that person will feel like trying to go without breathing, so this will likely involve the other person withdrawing against your wishes, an unexpected and unavoidable move to another location, or a change in the other person's daily routines that leaves that person unavailable for further contact. 

When you are cut off from the source of your relief, you will likely go through withdrawal symptoms which may include crying uncontrollably, feeling a strong desire to isolate yourself from all human contact or conversely dreading being alone. You may stop eating for a few days, or you may eat more than usual to comfort yourself. You may listen to really depressing music about unrequited love, or you may feel an inclination to medicate yourself with drugs or alcohol. If you have any creativity at all, you will probably resort to creating some of the most amazingly depressing art, music and poetry you have ever made. 

At first you will probably try to comfort yourself by imagining being held and reassured by the limerent object, and your fantasies may grow more intense. This will pass, usually within a few months but sometimes it takes longer. At some point, the feelings will begin to go away and you might be ready to form an attraction to someone else.

Here is a journal entry I made while trying to overcome limerence:


> I got my fix tonight after a very long time of experiencing worsening withdrawal symptoms. I thought he had forgotten about me completely, except for the occasional name on my profile page to indicate that he still checked on me sometimes, and seeing it there, even as rarely as it appears, is always like breathing again after being trapped underwater, or like being given a drop of water as I die of thirst. It is not pleasure. It is the relief from suffering, to fill the deficit and ease my craving. I don’t need him to make me happy. I need him to make me _not unhappy_, which is different, and places a greater burden on him. I understand, and I tried to seem strong. I tried to project an independent vibe, to feel that independence authentically, to focus on the confidence and sense of empowerment another friend had awakened in me. I almost succeeded.
> I thought our conversation went well, but I am terrible at reading social cues. I can never tell how people are feeling until they tell me, and by then it is too late.
> I don’t know what I did wrong this time. I was trying to be conscious of my effect on him, in order to avoid offending him. I don’t know what I should do differently if I am given another chance.
> I am glad he stopped hating me, but it came with a warning of future deprivation. I got my fix tonight, tried to ease into a pattern, to take up my old addiction again, and discovered afterward that I hadn’t gotten away with it. At least he gave me a moment of temporary relief.


It is like any other addiction, and getting over it is a hard struggle. I wish you the best of luck.


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## perennialurker

Not that anyone's interested, but here's an update:


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## braided pain

perennialurker said:


> Not that anyone's interested, but here's an update:
> 
> View attachment 83651


Heh. I was going to add that in my experience, actual rejection (or a breakup) ended better than unrequited longing, but it seems less necessary now.


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## Heyoka

This is one of the first articles I wrote here 

http://personalitycafe.com/general-psychology/136970-limerence-facet-paracosm.html


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## rosegeranium

What worked for me was knowing that limerence in itself is not a bad thing if it is for the right person. And the right person will tend to have limerence toward you unless you are being disrespectful. At this point in my life I am logical about love. I don't waste energy over someone unless I'm sure they are a good fit for me and that they will love me back. I think anything else is not real love but putting someone on a pedastal, falling for something not entirely real, which isn't respectful to that person. I think it's rare to feel limerence and actually appreciate a person for all that they are.

I think limerence is a good thing if you know that person is right for you. If that person is not really a good fit then I think it is shallow and fake to make yourself experience the limerence. A lot of women and some men will say that they just "had" to feel it even when they knew it wouldn't out. Eh, to me it's like,"Why are you so needy? Why would you do that to yourself? Loving yourself does not equal putting yourself through heartbreak. If you aren't loving yourself, how can you love him/her?" People are masochistic with themselves and so very much want to see all of the qualities they want in themselves in another. So there is good limerence and bad limerence. Knowing this might be painful but it can help nip it in the bud before it hurts you.


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## Chesire Tower

I had limerence really bad for someone back in July. I was absolutely obsessed with them. My every waking thoughts, fantasies, longings were about him. What helped me out of this situation and in my case; limerence was extremely undesirable because I didn't feel that we were really connecting in an emotionally healthy way. A good friend basically advised me, to just stop and it actually worked! :shocked: 

I started to emotionally detach from him and through opening up my horizons and interacting with others; I realized that it wasn't so much him that I missed but flirting in general.

I have also noticed that for myself; limerence does not get out of hand if the object of my desire is a healthy one; it only has the potential to go out of control, when something is not right about the relationship.

If the connection between me and another person is healthy; then I might feel happy, positive, possibly even a bit giddy but almost never emotionally tortured the way I was about that guy.

Needless to say, I am extremely relieved to be over it and get my life back.

:happy:


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## Whippit

Stalking.


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