# Feelings of being misunderstood



## Blue Ribbon (Sep 4, 2016)

Do you ever feel lonely an misunderstood? Like an outcast? I do love people yet I find it hard to find a place I truly belong. Is it just me, or do other SJs feel this way as well? I see a lot of Intuitives talking about this, I was just wondering what other sensors think? This thread is posted in the SJ subforum but SPs are welcome to answer as well. 

What makes you feel different from everyone else? Is there something about you that you wished others would understand? 

To answer, I have a great deal of anxiety and mood fluctuations. I have good days and bad days. This range of fluctuating emotions makes me feel like I can't connect with people. I also have feelings like I can't trust people and stuff like that.


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## AllyKat (Jan 24, 2014)

I'm kind of disappointed that there haven't been any other replies to this yet, but I appreciate the SJ forum is the deadest place on personality cafe. Nothing like a dead forum to help you feel misunderstood. 



Blue Ribbon said:


> Do you ever feel lonely an misunderstood? Like an outcast? I do love people yet I find it hard to find a place I truly belong. Is it just me, or do other SJs feel this way as well? I see a lot of Intuitives talking about this, I was just wondering what other sensors think? This thread is posted in the SJ subforum but SPs are welcome to answer as well.


To answer your question, in short, yes. I don't believe I've ever met anyone who I felt actually understood me, and I've reached a point where, I think, I've come to terms with that. Or at least accepted there's very little I can do about it on the whole. I'm not sure I understand people in general though, so maybe that's how I deal with it. 

Unlike you, I don't really love people as such, and I think that's part of my problem. This will sound weird, but people to me are just another thing that I have to deal with. I don't mean that in a cold-hearted way. There are people I love, people I hate (ok, I think there was only one person I've ever truly hated), but everyone else, well, they're just 'people' and I'm kind of indifferent that way. I work with someone who often says "people are social creatures" and I always think, if that's true there must be something wrong with me. Maybe there is, I dunno. Don't get me wrong, I'd miss people-interaction if there were none at all, but I need very little, and am selective in the people I _want_ to be around. 

The weirdest thing is people don't see me in that light at all (and I choose not to express it because, well, how cruel do you have to be to tell people you don't really need them to be around?). I get described as friendly, approachable, sociable etc. I help people where I can because it gives me something to do and helps me feel in control of situations, but I'm not sure it's quite the selfless act people perceive it to be. I think it's my detachment in this respect that means I kind of get on with most people. I get occasions where people say things like "you really get me" and it's a case where they completely misinterpreted what I was actually attempting to say to them. So I guess I don't _appear_ misunderstood which compounds the misunderstanding. 



> What makes you feel different from everyone else? Is there something about you that you wished others would understand?


I'm pretty hopeless when it comes to social norms. A lot of them don't make much sense to me, and then I feel insincere by trying to keep in with them to avoid attention. I guess I've not really lived my life in line with what society would have expected of me. From my background I should have left school at 16 and been married with kids by 25. But I didn't relate to that lifestyle and instead wanted to continue in education and go beyond the boundaries of what I could see around me. I always thought of myself as working class with middle class ideas, and I still feel a bit like that. Aside from going through the whole 'misunderstood' period of being a female studying a 'man's subject', I'm now working in probably one of the most middle class professions you might find, so while people might be more aligned to many of my philosophies and ideas, they don't really share my upbringing or experiences. 

As a kid, I think I struggled most with not being a stereotypical girly-girl. My mother used to encourage me to be more touchy-feely, outwardly emotional and so on, things that little girls are supposed to be. I tried. It wasn't me. I think she still worries about me being a bit of a loner. 

If there was one thing I wished people understood, it would be that I'm my own person and that I'm probably not what you expect from the outside. That people didn't assume I was unhappy or lonely or don't have anything to say because I'm quiet and don't socialise much or have hundreds of friends. It's not a lack of confidence or a worry over what people will think of me if I put myself out there, I choose to live my life as I live it - as quiet and as lonely it might appear.


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## Selinda (Jul 13, 2016)

SP here. I just saw this thread.

Yep. All of the time. Not so much lonely, but I do often feel misunderstood. Especially being female and ESTP. I don't come across as Ms. Lonelyheart so I think other people perceive me as just wanting to have fun and not settle down. That couldn't be further from the truth. I do want to settle down, but with a partner who will allow me the freedom to be myself. I desire a life that's full of fun and adventure so I would love to find someone who wants to go along with me for the ride. I also hate superficiality, so I'm unwilling to enter into a relationship just to be in one. I'd rather be alone if the relationship is superficial. In spite of the independent vibe I put out there, I crave a deep connection. Haven't found it yet.


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## RachelB (May 6, 2017)

Yes, I do. I find that people tend to assume they know what I'm thinking and feeling. When they're inevitably wrong and I try to explain, they don't believe me. I really, really hate it when people try to "read between the lines," because I communicate in such a straightforward manner! This makes me feel very misunderstood, not to mention unappreciated.


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## shazam (Oct 18, 2015)

Yeah but I can't control it.


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## jcal (Oct 31, 2013)

RachelB said:


> Yes, I do. I find that people tend to assume they know what I'm thinking and feeling. When they're inevitably wrong and I try to explain, they don't believe me. I really, really hate it when people try to "read between the lines," because I communicate in such a straightforward manner! This makes me feel very misunderstood, not to mention unappreciated.


That's one of...possibly THE biggest pet peeve of mine. People are so damned used to communicating with people who constantly talk in code, doublespeak and innuendo, that they find it difficult to communicate with those of us who don't. It's always frustrating and often just plain pisses me off. 

I'm quite deliberate in crafting my communications so that they say exactly what they're supposed to say with as little room for interpretation as possible, which often results in one of two things: either the other party unsuccessfully struggles to find the hidden meaning that does not exist in my words and then complains that I'm "hard to read"... or they just start making shit up and then insist that they are right. 

I've also had people add insult to injury by telling me that my delayed and deliberate responses are indicative of me struggling to "put a spin" on it. NO YOU F'NG IDIOTS... I'M MAKING SURE THAT THERE IS *NO* SPIN! :angry:


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## sweetbaby (Jul 25, 2017)

I have days where I feel like nobody understands me. My mood can fluctuate very rapidly. I could go from being cheerful to being miserable in a matter of seconds. It gets to the point where I don't want to talk to anybody and I just need my own space.


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## Siriusly McGonagall (Jan 3, 2018)

Blue Ribbon said:


> Do you ever feel lonely an misunderstood? Like an outcast? I do love people yet I find it hard to find a place I truly belong. Is it just me, or do other SJs feel this way as well? I see a lot of Intuitives talking about this, I was just wondering what other sensors think? This thread is posted in the SJ subforum but SPs are welcome to answer as well.
> 
> What makes you feel different from everyone else? Is there something about you that you wished others would understand?
> 
> To answer, I have a great deal of anxiety and mood fluctuations. I have good days and bad days. This range of fluctuating emotions makes me feel like I can't connect with people. I also have feelings like I can't trust people and stuff like that.


Yes, add to that I am physically disabled, blind, but don't act like I am blind or need extra attention. I am an ESTJ and if I want something, nothing is going to get in my way not even disability. 

I have some friends I guess a handful, some of which I question if they really want to see me. extroverts are suppose to have a lot of friends right? ESTJs equals organize the stuff for group of friends? I have no group of friends to organize it for. I have individual friends on the internet. I have a friend or two in the offline world. NO more than that. I feel like people don't want to hang around me as friends. I can talk to everyone, sometimes I stay in offices for like 5 or 6 hours and we have a conversation. You ask any given person though, "Hey let's hang out" No real interests. Same with other places. I guess what I am in to interests not a lot of people. I like more of the brainy side of ESTJ. Not sure what it is. I think I scare off a lot of people to begin with or intimidate them. I am not sure what it is but it may be the way I communicate.


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## Euclid (Mar 20, 2014)

@Blue Ribbon
thanks for making this thread... I feel like belong somewhere now

oh wait I just realized this is in SJ... I don't belong here :frustrating:


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## Fennel (Jan 11, 2017)

I'm not SJ or SP but I can relate to some of these posts. The struggle is real, man. I guess it also has to do with what's expected in your particular culture and what your personality is perceived as. Not all extroverts are into hanging out for no reason, and not all introverts are unsocial or shy. I feel misunderstood but I've known long before that people misread me all the time despite me trying to be straight and clear, and it's nobody's fault. It just is.

Overall it seems to me that the world expects us to be stereotypical extroverted sensors - be social, do a lot of stuff in the moment, don't think and feel inwardly too much, but even ES's would say they're not like that.


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## Siriusly McGonagall (Jan 3, 2018)

Sei35 said:


> I'm not SJ or SP but I can relate to some of these posts. The struggle is real, man. I guess it also has to do with what's expected in your particular culture and what your personality is perceived as. Not all extroverts are into hanging out for no reason, and not all introverts are unsocial or shy. I feel misunderstood but I've known long before that people misread me all the time despite me trying to be straight and clear, and it's nobody's fault. It just is.
> 
> Overall it seems to me that the world expects us to be stereotypical extroverted sensors - be social, do a lot of stuff in the moment, don't think and feel inwardly too much, but even ES's would say they're not like that.


Yeah, I think it's sort of interesting how society expects us to be. and fun. not every extrovert is fun or exciting. I think they can't find me doing enough fun things or going enough fun places. Even the descriptions make us seem like it the ESTJ one. It's like sometimes I can be a good conversationalist but I don't know if all of us are like that or if we really are. We're also suppose to let lose easier than we do or something like that. The world generally expects that anyway. I think it has certain ways it wishes people to behave. It sometimes doesn't materialise.


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## Turi (May 9, 2017)

It says you're an SP type?

My ISTJ friend has complained about being misunderstood for about a decade now.


My wife's entire family are ESFJs besides one ESTJ, they complain about it as well.

ISTJ gets frustrated by it.
The ESFJs have more of a.. "nobody will ever know what's going on in here" sort of mentality but they don't really care about it.

My ISTJ friend definitely cares about it, he literally asks people if their ears are painted on, and puts on some high pitched voice with a Borat accent asking people "why u no fucking get what I say? why u no fucking get it? u fucking stupid? u a dumb dumb?" etc


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## AllyKat (Jan 24, 2014)

Turi said:


> It says you're an SP type?


When the OP started this thread they were typed as ESFJ IIRC. I think the sentiment of the post still applies and to be fair they did ask for SP opinions too.

I do find it ironic though that the person who queries this is the one who thinks people who stick to one type are the narrow minded ones. :laughing:


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## 1whoseeswithoutbeingseen (May 2, 2017)

Learn to share life with the pains of the soul, or to be blind and deaf to it (your deafness will make it shrink: day after day, it'll be a touch easier to be deaf and blind to your deep self).

What you speak of isn't much of a S-N issue, but an *Fi* & *Ti* one.

As for "trusting people," you can always trust that they'll be what they are (which is left to your observation and judgment to determine). In other words: they'll reliably go on behaving as they have behaved and are behaving.

:fall:


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## Turi (May 9, 2017)

AllyKat said:


> When the OP started this thread they were typed as ESFJ IIRC. I think the sentiment of the post still applies and to be fair they did ask for SP opinions too.
> 
> I do find it ironic though that the person who queries this is the one who thinks people who stick to one type are the narrow minded ones. :laughing:


It was a joke, haha.


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## JamesCollector (Jan 21, 2018)

I think I'm misunderstood, but it doesn't bother me. It just confuses me why I'm misunderstood in the first place. I'll say something that's logical and common sense, and sometimes someone will completely disagree with me, especially my INFP roommate.

I wish people could understand certain things just because it's the most efficient way to think about them.


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