# Enneagram and Attachment Theory



## Jaune (Jul 11, 2013)

sweet morphine said:


> Either sx 3 or sp/sx 2w3 and fearful avoidant.
> I would describe myself as more plainly anxious _in my mind_, like I don't tend to think of myself as someone with boundaries, but the overall effect is more avoidant with a generous amount of confusing, erratic behavior sprinkled on top.
> 
> Posted the questionnaire earlier but it was really overshare-y and cringeworthy so I deleted it, you're welcome :cupcake:


I'm glad I got to read it before it got deleted :smug:
Btw I didn't think it was cringeworthy


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## Sybow (Feb 1, 2016)

1. What is your enneagram type? 9

2. What do you believe your attachment style is? Fearful Avoidant Attachment

3. Attachment styles can change. It's not uncommon for a person with insecure attachment in childhood to develop into the secure type as an adult. Has your attachment style changed over time. If yes, how so? I don't think it ever changed.

4. How would you characterize your relationship with your parents during your childhood? How would you characterize it now?
Distant and emotionless. My dad never talked about emotions and my mom is narcissistic.
Still distant, specially from my mom due to certain reasons. My dad and I only talk if needed, or if something important happened.
I guess you could say I'm distant from both.

5. What were formative experiences for you, positive or negative, in your childhood and adolescence?
At around age 14 my parents divorced. It came out of nowhere, I remember exactly how it went. I was playing on the computer downstairs and all of a sudden my dad said 'This isn't working anymore'. I never saw this coming. I ran away crying, going wherever. I didn't care anymore.

After the divorce I went with my mom, because else she was all alone (Also, she had our dog, and our dog was my everything)
After living a few years with my mom, everything in my life went downhill. School, health and my mind all became fucked up. Nothing I did was ever good enough. 
Everything I did, my mom wanted to help or tell me how to do it. Till a certain point that I felt completely useless and ended up in my deepest depression ever.

6. What are romantic relationships usually like for you? 
Its REALLY hard for me to open up emotionally. I got major trust issues, and I've never learned to talk about my feelings. My feelings come in a burst and its no fun.
Longest relationship I had was 9 months. I was devastated by it. Just like with the divorce, I did not see any signs leading to this point. 

7. Friendships? 
I only got 1 friend left. The rest I pushed away due to unhealthy coping of my emotional needs.

8. Siblings and extended family?
I got 2 sisters. One I can't live with due to the massive drama. The other sister is fine. We talk from time to time. I babysit her children sometimes etc.

9. What would you consider to be your deepest fear when interacting with others?
Rejection. My biggest fear of my life is rejection.

10. Any other thoughts?
Not that I can think of. If anything comes to mind, I'll edit it.


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## Le9acyMuse (Mar 12, 2010)

lokasenna said:


> Out of curiosity, can you expand? Which aspects were scary and unpredictable and which were stable?


 It was boringly chaotic. Like not what you'd hear in a movie, but same cynical results. Didn't feel loved, but I twisted it into something I could stomach. Parents argued, threatened each other. Hostile, distant father I never had real conversations with til I got much older. Manipulative, unapologetically narcissistic mother that liked pretending to be your friend/protector before making you regret it later. 'Being good' didn't seem to work for long. Don't recall specifics - only lots of yelling, pleading and inferiority. The stability might be the only saving grace; they worked hard and made it through difficult times, whereas I panic at the idea of being an adult. I commend them for their adamancy and punctuality, even if I wish they never became parents. They didn't have it easy as kids either, so...que sera sera until you decide to be different from your tormentors.


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## Dangerose (Sep 30, 2014)

_1. What is your enneagram type?_ *2w1, I think sx first, probably sx/so*
2. What do you believe your attachment style is? *Anxious for sure*
3. Attachment styles can change. It's not uncommon for a person with insecure attachment in childhood to develop into the secure type as an adult. Has your attachment style changed over time. If yes, how so? *Probably more avoidant as a child*
4. How would you characterize your relationship with your parents during your childhood? How would you characterize it now? *They were nice, I liked them, still like them but there's a lot of friction and I find it somewhat challenging to value these relationships and/or keep them positive, actively something I'm working on*
5. What were formative experiences for you, positive or negative, in your childhood and adolescence? *In line with the questionnaire I typically felt different, often had the experience of watching other people 'from afar', not feeling like I could join in their reindeer games or be like them, I wasn't really actively rejected, I rejected myself in anticipation *
6. What are romantic relationships usually like for you? *Often fuck things up by being too clingy, and jealous on no provocation, think I have at least learned to communicate these weaknesses clearly so I'm not just playing mystifying mind games*
7. Friendships? *Have a few strong friendships, had rocky stretches (also caused by being a bit too clingy, maybe spiteful), mostly just pleasant, lucky to have very good and patient friends*
8. Siblings and extended family? *not very close*
9. What would you consider to be your deepest fear when interacting with others? *rejection, people thinking I think I'm better than they think I am*
10. Any other thoughts? *no*


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## 74893H (Dec 27, 2017)

I'm a bit iffy on my attachment style, it's kind of a weird mix, but I'll try.

1. *What is your enneagram type?*
Used to think 9w1 but I think now that I'm 1w9. Sp/sx in either case.

2. *What do you believe your attachment style is?*
Avoidant with most people, Anxious with some. The tests assess me as Avoidant.

3. *Attachment styles can change. It's not uncommon for a person with insecure attachment in childhood to develop into the secure type as an adult. Has your attachment style changed over time. If yes, how so?*
I think I was Secure as a kid, Anxious as a teenager. I've moved more towards Avoidant as an adult.

4. *How would you characterize your relationship with your parents during your childhood? How would you characterize it now?*
Bit complicated. My relationship with my mum was fine as a kid but I didn't see a lot of her, she worked both days and nights and when she wasn't working during the day she was sleeping (though she usually had to take me with her on her day job delivering parcels cause no-one else was home yet). Because of that I wouldn't say we ever developed much of an actual connection, and so now as an adult our relationship is fine and we care about each other as we should but I wouldn't describe us as close. First few years of my life relationship with my Y chromosome was fine as far as I remember, then had no father figure again until I was about maybe 11 years old, ish? I wouldn't say he was like a dad to me but my mum's then-boyfriend was the closest thing I had, didn't like him, he got mad over stupid things so being around him was like treading on eggshells, I tried to avoid him. They split up towards the end of my teenagehood though, she later got with my now-stepdad who treats me a bit more like a dad would, I don't dislike him but I don't really have any kind of relationship with him and I don't really care to, we're not very compatible people.

5. *What were formative experiences for you, positive or negative, in your childhood and adolescence?*
Not sure how in-depth I should go here... knowing me I'll probably ramble on for ages (I love going back to my childhood ) so I'll put this in spoiler tags.

* *





Infancy & very early childhood a lot will have happened that I don't remember as my Y chromosome was extremely abusive to my mum and (half-)siblings, but was nice to me. They separated at some point and my mum (probably begrudgingly) took me to see him for the day every weekend, this went on a few years until I stopped seeing him for reasons I can't determine (but now that I know what he was like I'm glad I did). That would've had some kind of effect on me. I probably would've been 4 when I stopped seeing him.
Also during that time he'd occasionally take me to see my two half-sisters (different mum), one of whom it sounds like I was very close with. From what I've heard from that sister, when he fell out with their family he wouldn't let us see each other, then one time he took me with him into a pub/restaurant they happened to be in, I ran over excitedly shouting her name to see her and he grabbed me by the arm, yanked me away back to our table and told me not to talk to her, and apparently I cried my eyes out (and so did she). I'd imagine that had a pretty deep affect on me because it sounds like I was quite attached to her. (Didn't see them again until my late teens, I didn't actually even know until then that they were my sisters)

I mentioned my mum worked days and nights and I didn't see her much, and until the end of my childhood towards my teens I didn't see any friends outside of school. I spent all my time at home playing bideo games or occasionally watching TV, so I became accustomed to being alone. That's a big one, I think.

Mum's earlier boyfriend I mentioned would've moved in with us when I was probably about 10 like I said, if I was to guess, and lived with us until she split up with him and kicked him out when I was maybe 15. Weird guy. Didn't like him, felt like I always had to be careful what I said around him in case I accidentally offended him with some stupid innocent statement and he'd chew me out, among other things. I tried to avoid him, didn't like when he was home. He wasn't abusive, just... weird. But I think living with him and coping with his... weirdness had a pretty huge impact on my character, so probably my attachment too, since he was probably the closest thing I had to a father figure during that time (but I didn't think of him as one, I've never felt any need for one)

My much older sister (not one of the ones I lost contact with) had a boyfriend through a big chunk of the end of my childhood and the start of my teenagehood who I was really close with, he lived with us for most of their relationship and he was like a brother to me and I really looked up to him, he said he thought of me as a brother too. But one day I found out very suddenly that my sister had dumped him and basically kicked him out the house, and I never really saw him again from there. Didn't talk to my sister for weeks, which I think was justified. It wasn't just her life she was affecting by doing that, she could've spoken to me first or at least warned me.

In secondary school I had my best friend from primary school, though he was on the other side of the year so we only saw each other at break and lunch (until his complete bitch of a then-girlfriend stole him away for about a year or so), but I was a bit of an outcast and was bullied by most of my peers, which was really hard on me. I got all of my social anxiety around this time and it sunk my self-esteem. It also made me a bit starved for other kinds of friendships than what I had with my best friend (my relationship withhim has always been pretty casual), but eventually I started making a whole bunch of online friends, some local who I ended up meeting a few times IRL and some from far away or abroad, and most of them were girls and I'd always wanted to have some girl friends (I'm weirdly drawn to girls, which I think might have something to do with the being-torn-from-sister-thing). They all made me happy and really kept me going through school but I got very anxious about losing them, was always worried I was being annoying or a burden, could get quite clingy, was always on the lookout for signs that they didn't actually like me, which created some really awkward situations a couple of times. I'd describe my relationship with all of them as textbook Anxious. Eventually lost contact with or drifted apart from all of them, which I'm a bit sad about. Though I'm in very occasional contact with one still and we met up again many years later, really need to message her sometime soon. She's married now, holy hell. Life speeds by.

Now-stepdad moved in when I was about 15 or 16, we got along at first because he was dating my mum but after he moved in and we got comfortable around each other our incompatibility started to show, so I try and avoid him too. He's not abusive at all, we just don't see eye-to-eye on things and get into a lot of pointless arguments, and he vocally disapproves of my lifestyle and hobbies and I don't like that very much. I think I've been more distant from my mum since we started living with him, though. Still don't feel like I need a father figure but he's the closest thing I've had. But I'd definitely say my style with him is Avoidant.

Those are the only things I can think of that might have been formulative experiences with regards to relationships, but I think the close relationships I built up and suddenly lost played into me becoming Avoidant in a big way. 
Told you I'd ramble!



6. *What are romantic relationships usually like for you?*
I haven't had any. But not by choice.

7. *Friendships?*
That's changed over time. It really depends on who it is, though. Most people I'm quite casual with and can be a bit too distant, I feel uncomfortable getting too close with them for some reason, but rarely some people (exclusively girls, but usually purely in a friend way) I'll become really attached to and can get a bit too clingy with and paranoid about losing. Those were some of my teenagehood online friends and one friend I've had during adulthood.

8. *Siblings and extended family?*
I'm quite distant from most of my family, I like them all but I don't have much of a relationship with them. Except for my two half-sisters I mentioned in 5, I have a good relationship with them and try to see them as much as I can (which ends up not very often), the eldest especially I have a really great relationship with (the one my Y chromosome pulled me away from), I've never had that kind of relationship with anyone else before. It's really nice.

9. *What would you consider to be your deepest fear when interacting with others?*
Embarassing myself in front of them, making them dislike me or think I'm a weirdo that they don't want to associate with, or making them think I dislike them, and in both cases giving myself more unbearably cringey memories to think back on and beat myself up over in the future. Oh god.

10. *Any other thoughts?*
I'm hungry


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## 0001 (Aug 11, 2019)

*1. What is your enneagram type?*

There's something 5 and/or 4 in me. I'm definitely sp/sx though.

*2. What do you believe your attachment style is?*

From what I know I'd say I'm avoidant. It wouldn't surprise me if a lot of 5s, 8s, and sp/sxs are avoidant, or if a lot of 2s, 6s, and sx/sos are anxious preoccupied, etc...
I can imagine that a few unexpected combinations exist though.

I related to a lot of what I read in op's link, like not being able to ask for help, being secretive, viewing relationships as restrictions on my freedom etc..

*3. Attachment styles can change. It's not uncommon for a person with insecure attachment in childhood to develop into the secure type as an adult. Has your attachment style changed over time. If yes, how so?*

I've always been this way as far back as I can remember. Even as a kid it frustrated me that I could not provide for myself completely. I daydreamed about independence and self-sufficiency (especially as a teen).

My boundaries were violated as a child/teen by my mother, and she also didn't prioritize my needs a lot of the time (ex food, things that had to do with school, understanding my boundaries). 

My attachment style only grows stronger as she continues to demand physical and emotional closeness and chunks of my free time. 

*4. How would you characterize your relationship with your parents during your childhood? How would you characterize it now?*

Dad is not in my life and I told him to fuck off basically the last time we spoke. He left my mom when I was young. I found his attempts to keep in touch annoying. I was unimpressed with him trying to buy my love and shallow social mask. I'm glad I'm done with the overly sentimental phone calls where I was pressured to tell him "I miss you" and "I love you."

I try to avoid my mom and keep my opinions to myself to avoid arguments. From the outside it looks like our relationship is fine. Sometimes there are okay moments, but the tension and hostility always returns. On the inside, I can’t stand her. I'm ready to cut her off once I get my resources together and move out to be honest. I have to be smart about it though because even perceived rejection can send her into a rage, and I don’t want a physical altercation.


*5. What were formative experiences for you, positive or negative, in your childhood and adolescence?*


* *




All negatives are positives because they helped me learn about the world and people and grow thicker skin. I experienced some bullying. I disliked my mother greatly for being controlling and emotionally unstable. I was criticized a lot for being cold and unsociable because I don't entertain small talk and have a serious face. I learned how to disappear and how to put on a poker face during arguments. I didn't want criticism or to look weak, because vulnerability would be used against me.

The enmeshment link was also pretty relatable. She was/is over protective, controlling, and invasive when it came/comes to my physical and emotional space. I was/am also treated like a "best friend." I was forced/am forced to listen to her problems with family, her financial troubles, her complaints about my father or ones about boyfriends. My discomfort about these topics was/is ignored.

I moved a lot so I didn't get the chance to get very close to friends. I never directly initiated friendships. Friends and I sort of just drifted towards each other. Or someone reached out to me. I never learned how to reach out though and unfortunately I am bad at making connections. This is due to just never feeling like I needed them, and being hesitant to cross someone's boundaries. I just assume people have the same "walls" I do and I don't bother them. Overall I was just forced to focus on preserving and protecting myself in different ways so I never let myself fuss over relationships. My mentality was that that would pathetic.

Overall, my childhood and adolescence were characterized by a need for independence, emptiness, my interests, and nice times here and there. I entertained myself with video games, the internet, music, anime and creating art. I spent the majority of my time alone and got used to it.




*6. What are romantic relationships usually like for you?*

Never had one. If I never do I'll be fine. I think it would be nice to have one one day though. Sharing my inner self with someone and not being judged is what I'd want. There is a level of communication possible in a romantic relationships that I think is very interesting and unique. 
I haven't settled on whether or not I really want to live with someone though. I think I'd just want sleepovers. I still need to have the sense of "being my own person."
I'll cut ties fast if I notice they are trying to manipulate me into giving them a lot of validation. A partner (or friend) needs to be an independent person for things to work out. I don't have any patience for people who drain me.

*7. Friendships?*

Don't have any now. If I do somehow end up in any in the future, I just want my friends to be open minded people I can have interesting conversations with. 

In a romantic relationship and in friendships I'd like people to just understand that if I disappear for a bit it's not because I don't like them. I just don't need a lot of contact. 

*8. Siblings and extended family?*

My sibling and I were closer than we are now. I avoid them now since they have become arrogant and put me down. 
I was close to a certain family member. They have proven though that they are the opposite of a confidant. So I've distanced myself from them.
I'm pretty close to one one of my grandparents. They can get annoying and neurotic so I don’t contact them as much as I used to. We chat here and there.
The rest of my extended family is dumb and shallow, and I don't have any desire to contact them.

*9. What would you consider to be your deepest fear when interacting with others?*

That they would be hard to shake off if I found them annoying and that they'd have a lack of respect for my space and independence.

*10. Any other thoughts?*

I will try and resist the urge to delete this since it's kind of personal


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## Newana (Jun 2, 2019)

Very interesting question, but I think many don't understand the attachment theory well enough. Your style of attachment forms in the first 4 years of childhood, to the people who raise you. Most people are securely attached. It can be due to bad parenting or external bad luck like war, accidents or illness, that your style of attachment can become negative. Once it is negative, it takes loads and loads of extremely hard work from your side, and some good people who surround you, to change your 'style' of attachment to a more secure one. Those first four years form your roots, your core, it's not something you easily influence. So you can't be attached to certain people in a certain way and in another way to other people, that's just the way you respond to people, it's not your attachment style.

My parents have had an accident just before I was born, father wasn't there, mum was depressed the first 5 years of my life, was therefor raised by different people. Because as a baby I was not heard (brother remembers hours of crying without any reaction from my mum), I learned to not trust people, I learned I had to do it all by myself. That is the avoidant attachment. After many years of depression and therapy I became healthier, then met husband who is a really good man and helped me understand life and people better. He helped me to become more healthy attached. Still the avoidant style is in there, especially in lesser moments.


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## Sengai (Sep 2, 2018)

Thank you, @lokasenna, for this input.

I am an enthusiastic enneagramist for two years now and I am developing a deeper understanding of all the types through the observation of myself (5w4) and the people I am in connection with. Among them are more 5w4s and 5w6, 6w7s and 7w6, eights, nines, threes and fours.

Attachment theory came in my sight lately because my therapist is a disciple and sometimes offers some "insights" into how I could understand certain behaviours of mine.


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## Sengai (Sep 2, 2018)

But with the Enneagram dominating my own thinking on personality I find attachment theory oversimplifiying on the one hand and then rather because of that it leaves endless room for speculation on how your parents or care-givers treated you and its effects.

I can hear very well the basic idea of psychoanalytic personality theory fueling this kind of theorizing although an interpretation of the tale of Oedipus was deleted in it. It puts children in an only passive and reactive role. As if kids are not someone of their own before they meet their parents and develop in a kind of imprint of their parents and other "forces" in their environment. In my view the whole theory is falsified just on the observation that siblings have different personality styles.


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## angelfish (Feb 17, 2011)

If you're interested, here's a mini-questionnaire:

*1. What is your enneagram type?*
6w7

*2. What do you believe your attachment style is? *
Secure, with some vestiges of ambivalent (anxious)

*3. Attachment styles can change. It's not uncommon for a person with insecure attachment in childhood to develop into the secure type as an adult. Has your attachment style changed over time. If yes, how so?*
Yes - I believe I was quite secure as a young child with my parents, but that I moved into ambivalent attachment as a pre-teen and remained there through my teenage years.

*4. How would you characterize your relationship with your parents during your childhood? How would you characterize it now?*
Excellent then and now. Warm, close, supportive, respectful, appreciative. During my adolescent years, our relationships were still fundamentally stable, but they were more strained with conflict. 

*5. What were formative experiences for you, positive or negative, in your childhood and adolescence?*

My childhood was very happy. My parents and grandparents loved me very much and were very very encouraging of me. My parents are both knowledgeable, caring people and they provided me a warm, safe, welcoming home refuge while opening the world to me.

Because of a medical condition, I was not able to socialize with peers until I started kindergarten. Peers were such a mixed bag compared to my parents. They were not always full of good information, were not always affirming and encouraging, and did not often introduce me to new and interesting places and experiences like adults usually did. I remember when a girl I had become fairly close friends with suddenly stopped spending time with me because she'd found a new friend instead. I was an emotionally turbulent and somewhat reclusive teenager, and my relationships with my parents endured some strain at times. I had a hard time understanding my INTP dad, who didn't communicate emotionally like me. I worried when my ESFJ mom would sometimes run late because she was still helping someone else. My sx-dom brother always seemed to want me around, which was really sweet, but I also needed some personal space. I started to become aware that I was sometimes overlooked because I tended to help others instead of being vocal about my needs.

When I was initially looking at colleges, I was touring some highly-ranked schools, but then I ended up blowing a few of my junior grades. I think I had a fundamental realization that I didn't want to keep running a rat race, which is what it had become for me. That was a blessing in disguise, since I landed at a school where I really bloomed academically, socially, and just personally in general. I began intentionally working on being better to my parents and brother. I started dating my husband soon after. 

*6. What are romantic relationships usually like for you? *
I've only really ever had one major romantic relationship. It's warm, happy, and deeply comforting. We recently realized we've been together for almost a decade and those years have been, for the most part, very joyful. We used to have some killer fights, because we are both very headstrong. We have been working hard together on how to overcome that and learn to disagree better with one another. 

*7. Friendships?* 
I don't have many friendships. My favorite friend lives about 7,000 miles away and we see each other every 6 months or so. I had a very close friend through college but we haven't been in touch recently. I really like the idea of longterm friendships but I do not seem good at maintaining them once our shared context is gone, aside from my one friend. Though, the truth is, I am very happy with my family and husband, and I do not really have time for or interest in a lot of other relationships. I don't seek out additional friendships. I appreciate when my husband makes friends with people and I become friendly through that, because I do like people, but just don't devote a lot of energy to intentional friend-making.

*8. Siblings and extended family?*
Very warm and close with my sibling. Very warm and close with my maternal grandparents. My dad was never as close with his parents (I am positive he was avoidantly attached with them... he has become more secure with my nuclear family over the years...) and I don't see them as often, though I am fond of them. I have good but not super close relationships with my extended family, since I have always lived fairly far away from most of them. 

*9. What would you consider to be your deepest fear when interacting with others?*
Fear of letting others down. I don't like disappointing people, even people I barely know.

*10. Any other thoughts?*
I didn't realize how secure I am now until taking a few quizzes and realizing that I'm not nearly as anxious/ambivalent as I used to be. It's really heartening to realize. Thanks for the thread and questionnaire.


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## Drainingray (Oct 6, 2019)

1. What is your enneagram type?

Type 5

2. What do you believe your attachment style is?

Secure type

3. Attachment styles can change. It's not uncommon for a person with insecure attachment in childhood to develop into the secure type as an adult. Has your attachment style changed over time. If yes, how so?

I was secure type most of my life. 
I was completely asexual until 16. Around that time I started seeking a partner, but valued my individuality so strongly that I considered partners to be only sexual partners+friends. That was a phase that lasted for about two years of Avoidant style of attachment.

4. How would you characterize your relationship with your parents during your childhood? How would you characterize it now?

Our relationship was always great. 

5. What were formative experiences for you, positive or negative, in your childhood and adolescence?

I moved a lot and I think that really stimulated my Ne, so now I have great need for novelty and change - changing apartments, always moving my furniture around, but also not getting attached to friends and not interested in neighbors and collegues.
I really cant think of anything else that stands out. I was self taught for most of the things I know and enjoy (I never had a role model). If this question was aimed at experiences that formed our emotional lives and attachment styles, I think it comes down to my family.

6. What are romantic relationships usually like for you? 

During Avoidant times, turbulent and very unpleasant since I had to leave most of them because partners wanted way more intimacy than I did. 
I think that with age I started valuing relationships for more than sex and intellectual conversations, and that was a big reason for restablishing Secure type in romantic relationships.

7. Friendships? 

I dont really have any friends, my partner is usually my best friend. When I do have a friend, I tend to meet that same person occasionally, and after a few months lose contact and interest in them. Sometimes I do consider someone my friend, but I dont contact them again for years (if ever).

8. Siblings and extended family?

No contact with extended family. Great relationship with siblings.

9. What would you consider to be your deepest fear when interacting with others?

If I am talking to strangers, Im afraid that I could look ridiculous (not be aware if I look messy) or accidentally say something inappropriate/something that will cause emotional reaction that I couldnt forsee.

10. Any other thoughts?

Im curious if youre gathering statistics on this (and if you are hopefully you do take age into account (im23))


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