# Hopeless Romantic and Desperate Friend



## Ardent Lunacy (Dec 9, 2011)

I'm both those things and that's what brought me here. I am temporarily clear enough to ask honestly and give enough detail for this bit of advice.

I'm an INFP; she's either ENFJ or ESFJ. Off the net, she's probably my best friend. I'm the same for her. Hell, outside of superficial and idiotic friends, we're each others only friends. We've made this point to each other a few times, as of late. 

In April, I developed a crush on my friend of a little over a year, and I told her how I felt. She had a boyfriend, and clearly didn't seem to reciprocate; I wanted her happy, even if it wasn't with me. Over the summer, we got to know each other a lot more; we hung out a lot, alone, together. We hung out with our other friends, and got a lot closer. The thing was, she was leading me on. Giving me mixed-signals. It wasn't until October she brought it up, but she had clearly been doing this on purpose, and she asked me if I still felt for her. I told her yes, of course I did. 

I had spent the past two or three weeks of the summer trying to avoid her, in fact, to quell these feelings. I succeeded. I looked into her eyes again... and I was back into the trap. We talked about it a lot more, after that, how I felt, how she felt. Her boyfriend was no longer in the picture. She said she didn't know at first, then no, then she didn't know, then no, then she didn't know... and now she does. But more on that later. 

The first time she told me no, I took it to heart and tried to respect that. No means no. "I don't feel for you, like that". I accepted it; it hurt like Hell, but I accepted it. That was a Friday. That Tuesday, she and I ended up in my bed, entangled in each other, cuddling. My arms around her, she was on top of me; it was the cutest damned thing in the world. It just kind of ended up like that. She was rubbing her head into my chest, I played with her hair. This confused the FUCK out of me. 

We spoke that night again, and she told me she didn't know, and I was really hurting at this point. She was leading me on so much; this wasn't the first time, nor the last we've done something like that. Other things too. Words. God, she could get me with her words. We enjoyed teasing each other. But it hurt me, when it was all over; I wanted her, and knew I couldn't have her. My friends were furious at her. We took a step back after that night. 

Eventually I had to say we needed to stop with the games, because it was hurting me too much. That she had hurt me. I had to tell her outright. I went to bed, in pain. She said she didn't want it to be a sad thing; I had no other thoughts in mind. My best friend spoke to her, outraged by this, and told her how he felt about her using me as emotional support and plaything. I woke up and she had blocked me on every digital medium and refused to speak to me. I had to ask him what had happened. 

We made up over Christmas break, and I managed to get closer to her; I even told her my story. The tragedy that is my life. She has no one other than me to confide in or be that kind of person who she can trust completely. I'm the only one. She told me she didn't know how to feel about me (this is the penultimate). I told her it didn't matter, that all she needed was to trust me, and let out everything. She was angry at me, I was angry at her; but I forgave her, and she apparently has forgiven me. 

Then all Hell broke loose. She told me she had feelings for me too, which, as you can imagine, surprised the living Hell out of me. I couldn't respond to that, so we just left it in the air. This was a few days ago. My mother-figure (family-friend who's serving stand-in) really hates her. As I said, she kind of strung-me-along for a long ass-time, hurting me; I was wrapped around her pretty-little-finger, so I didn't notice. I'm aware I still am, a little. Okay. Just. I know. They got into an "argument".

That day me and her had finally settled ourselves into our little niche "We both care for each other, but we understand we can't be more; that's okay". Then they got into a fight. It was brutal. My de-facto mom is a little... crazy. She went a little overboard and it ended with me in a panic attack, the girl pushed away from me, and my de-facto mom pissed at me. I stood up for the girl, and another friend tried to mediate. So, it ended bad. That was two nights ago.

Today, I spoke with her after seventh hour, she was trying to avoid me, I could tell. I saw a post by her on dA, and it was clear she was feeling alone and like I was gone to her. I had a friend talk to her and try to explain shit for me. I called out to her and we talked for as long as people would stop interrupting us. I gave her a hug and told her it was all going to be okay and that I wasn't going anywhere: I told her she would never be alone, and I never go back on my word. She said she didn't want me to choose between her and my mother-figure. I told her I wouldn't. She asked how. I told her I would take care of it; because I do that. 

How the Hell, *am* I going to do this, though? I mean, I'm good with the Indy Ploy (aka the "I'm making this as I go along"), but I am still a bit unsure about this whole thing. Some of my friends don't like the fact I'm still her friend after what she put me through. Hell, my Dad and Mother-Figure don't want me talking to her at all. But Hell, I'm eighteen and I've made mistakes before: never too late to make another. 

Part of who I am is never betraying someone. Letting her suffer on her own is a betrayal. A friend in need* is a friend indeed*. I have a psychotic impulse that forces me to help people. Sue me. I care about her. She needs me.

I want opinions on the situation and whatever you all are willing to offer me.

Please and thank you for your time and kindness.


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## Yokisano (Jan 5, 2012)

When it comes down to it, if the two of you want/need/care/love or otherwise for each other - and from what you say it seems you really want to be apart of each others' lives (even if it's not romantically; at first anyway) then the two of you have every right to be with each other. Your "mother-figure" seems to be at least somewhat important to you and you seem to care what she says or approves of and doesn't approve of - which is fine but you are the one living your life and if this girl makes you happy then no one can tell you otherwise - basically no one can tell you who you can and can't love or be with. Like-wise one cannot tell someone that they have to love them. People will fall in love for their own reasons. If you have some fantasy of - I don't know - riding off into the moonlight with this girl then by all means - you're friends/mother/anyone else - can really only disapprove - it's your choice if want to cave in to them. Stand up on your own two feet - the people (no matter how much they may dislike her) that stand behind you or stand with you are the only ones that matter. When people give you the choice 'it's either me or her' - This girl sounds like the most important person to you by far of anyone that you seemed to have mentioned (Sorry I didn't get the feeling that your mother-figure and you really see eye to eye or respect each others decisions and reasons) If you choose your mother-figure - think how that would impact you or make you feel (and do this again with everyone and/or anyone else you know if necessary) then think what it might or would be like if you chose her - What would you be happier with in the long hall? From the sounds of it - It sounds like you really just want her. You did say that - Your mother-figure doesn't like this girl and she doesn't want you to be with her - that's what your mother-figure wants - so are you going to cave in and let her pull your strings? or are you going to go after this girl? I am an ISTJ type 5w6 - so this may not apply to her as heavily as it does for me but something to think about might be (this general idea) - She obviously wanted to keep you close but not too close to where she might get too attached to you. Being who I am - I am kind of in a way afraid of my own feelings or emotions and am very cautions about getting to close or attached to people - the idea being if I get too attached to them and well - they get up and leave - in short they have the most potential to hurt me - in one sense or another they kind of have a threat value - and once I say forever - I mean forever and I will stand by it. I have done something similar to someone I have known; to what she has done to you - not quite the same but not far off (I wasn't really aware that I was leading him on(on a conscience level) and I didn't let myself realize how much he means to me - I hurt him a lot too) - I am as well in the process of reconnecting with him (it's a very slow process- he's very sensitive and you know hurt easily - doesn't open up quickly either) but I still hold my doubts up and constantly prepare myself for worst case scenario and if he shys away and runs away or leaves... Like you feel great with her; I feel great when I'm with him and I only hope that we can become closer and stronger than we've ever been. I don't live with the nicest family either and I know they wouldn't approve nicely - but it's not their place to say. Anyway the general idea behind what I'm saying is --( I've told this guy I don't feel the same way about him for a long long time but that was because he means the most to me... I kept him at arms length because I wanted and could picture and could just feel it - forever with him- I think this guy and me could get through anything together )-- the similarities in our situations....

Honestly I can only seem to tell you (well not very much at all really) it seems like you've already made your decision and I think the two of you can work - and happily at that. You've got the communication down nicely and you're both on the same page in many ways. (If it helps - I recall telling this guy I love that I was leading him on - on purpose and that I was sorry for that - even though I actually didn't realize that I was - I told him that because I felt bad once I realized it - but I communicated that I was just blind later... and admitted my oops...) 

Like you said - you're 18. But it seems you were asking about what to do about your mother-figure.

And one thing I would suggest is - tell your mother-figure - no - and say and make any points clear to her that you might feel would leave some sort of closure on the situation (it might help to think about what you're going to say and go through it again and again before actually coming out and saying it) - the gist of it like - You don't get to tell me how to live my life. I will do what I will do and you don't get to be part of it. - Once said and leave (or even if you still live under the same roof - just live as independently as you can and don't let her get to you - shut her out of your life) that may sound a little harsh but can be effective.. Then just live your life as you see fit. 

I am sorry if my post is a bit scatter-minded today and I am a bit ramble-like - But I think you have it more figured out and ready to go than you're giving yourself credit for. It really does seem like you've already made up your mind - There will always be people who disapprove - As much as I'd like to - you can't always make everyone happy. 

I think I just rambled in circles - (unlike me) but hopefully I left something that might help you.


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## Ardent Lunacy (Dec 9, 2011)

I *fucking* *hate* this website sometimes. I had a response to your message as long as yours... and it's gone. Stupid crash. 

Abridged Version: I'm too damned tired to retype it all.

You have a Haruhi Pic, therefor, you gained my immediate attention. I appreciate everything you said and you have no reason to apologize. It's good to have you listen give an objective response; it always is. You helped more than you may ever realize.

I love her, but how much is how much she wants me to. I know I'm not going to be Her Champion. I want to be, but I'm not. I accept that and I'm okay with it. I will be her friend and support though. She needs me. And frankly, I need her. We're just going to be friends and there's nothing wrong with that; it's probably for the best.

As for my parents: I'm working on them. I know I need to stand up to them, but they have a lot of issues with parenting. My Dad and I just barely got to know each other (I've lived with him for two years, known him for four - long-story). My "Mom" has a three year old and is a bit over-zealous with... everything. Trying to find a how to make my stand is the tough part. Because my Dad thinks of me as a little kid, despite the fact I've been taking care of myself since before we really got to know each other. Abusive and neglectful mothers tend to cause that reaction. My "Mom" thinks of me as incredibly fragile and naive. I'm an INFP... I tend to give off that impression. 

Also, I have made up my mind. I'm not losing anyone. I told my... the girl, I wouldn't choose. I meant that I was keeping everyone. I'm not losing a damnable person. This is my story, I write it: there's a fucking happy ending to this chapter. People keep delaying that happy ending, but it just means it's a *long fucking chapter*. I will protect the girl, I will stand up to and reach ground with my parents. I just don't know _how_ yet. I'm running on intuition. Logic has screwed me over for the past two years. Enough of that. Time to go with my INFP-tuition. I may not please everyone, but I try: foolish as it is. But this is pleases *me*. I refuse to betray anyone, therefor, I have to take care of this in a way that works. It'll either work or it'll fail so spectacularly I'll write a book based on the trauma of this event alone; win-win. 

I haven't spoken to "mom" since Wednesday, when this all went down. I spoke to my... *the *girl again since I posted... sent her a message. It boils down to 

"I don't care what happens. Everyone may hate you, you may feel guilty, you may push me away, you may even hate me: I'm not going anywhere. If people push you away or even if you run, I'll still be here. I'm sorry for everything, but I will fix it." 

I've told her "Zettai Ni Mamoru" before. You should get that phrase, Miss Haruhi. I call her my "Palm-Top Tiger". We've got that Mortal Tiger, Heavenly Dragon relationship. That, and we watched Toradora! together... 

Anyway, I feel like Hell, so I'm going to sleep. <3 <3 <3 To anyone else who replies and especially to Miss Yokisano.


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## Yokisano (Jan 5, 2012)

You seem to have a sort of break-through attitude and that can get you far in life. Sometimes I wonder if I have a bit of that Intuition factor... In someways I can relate to the things you said... Anyway...

Zettai Ni Mamoru - Japanese to English - I will definitely protect you. 

If used properly this (below) kind of attitude can get you far in life. (But of course that depends on how you define far.)

""This is my story, I write it: there's a fucking happy ending to this chapter. People keep delaying that happy ending, but it just means it's a *long fucking chapter*. I will protect the girl, I will stand up to and reach ground with my parents.""

""I refuse to betray anyone, therefor, I have to take care of this in a way that works. It'll either work or it'll fail so spectacularly I'll write a book based on the trauma of this event alone; win-win. ""

""I don't care what happens. Everyone may hate you, you may feel guilty, you may push me away, you may even hate me: I'm not going anywhere. If people push you away or even if you run, I'll still be here. I'm sorry for everything, but I will fix it.""

You're right I'm not really sure how I helped but I'm glad I could. To me it just looks like I was babbling about in circles telling you I went through something similar - but I didn't really feel like I was doing a good job answering your questions or concerns. 

Sleep Well. Not just tonight though. 

I don't know if you want to take this to heart or literally but if it feels like it might be okay - hold her once in a-while - maybe close and long enough that it's more than just a friendly hug you know - I'm not sure about immediate results but it might be effective over time - If you ever might want something more - Although you're just friends and supposedly fine with that but it seems like you want more than that - I may be a cold hearted empty vessel but I have a feeling that the just friends thing - may shed a tear between me and well this guy... sooner or later... or at least a heart ache... If it hasn't already hit him (since the time we last spoke) - I wish my situation was as solid as yours is now... He's quite a bit more introverted than me believe it or not - Patience is a requirement - but to me he's worth all the time and effort and waiting for - I'd do anything for him.

As for the losing your post before it makes it - before you hit post or reply or whatever - Swipe your mouse over it so it will high light it in blue (If your a windows user - windows - Microsoft is just common - mac users can do the same thing essentially) Then right click and copy - hit post then if it makes it up just fine - you're good - if it fails - You can hit paste when you've got everything running smoothly - as it will be the last thing that you copied in a sense. Especially on long posts it can be a big stress saver - simple - a bit old school - but effective.


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## Mav (Dec 19, 2010)

Dude, I am going to be straight up with you, I only read the first four paragraphs of your opening post. From that however, I can tell you this, you have got to some how get over her and move on with your life. She sounds like she is more harm than good by the way she has put you through all of that pain. 

I noticed somewhere in my scrolling down that you guys are 18? From the sounds of it you are quite a nice caring person. As such. I dare say that you have a lot to offer a girl, so I think you should see if you can find one who will appreciate that. 

That's my two cents.


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## Yokisano (Jan 5, 2012)

Mav has a good point and I can see where that points from; however I would suggest to keep an open mind about finding someone new but if the chance that she wants more comes along - consider taking the option before running through the lines of excuses (unless of course your reasons are the real deal and it just isn't going to have any chance of happening.) I can only give you suggestions. Best to you both. You and your girl.


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## yesiknowbut (Oct 25, 2009)

I haven't read all of the in between posts but I read the first one in full.

Inverse Knight, the thing is that sometimes people who are really compatible meet each other too early in life. Tragedy often follows. If you'd met her aged 30 you'd be proud parents within a year or two, and lifetime companions, I am sure.

But you haven't, and probably this was not meant to be. 

Now. Your father and mother-figure care primarily about you and are angry with her because they can see you hurting, and think therefore that she is no good for you.

The only way you will resolve your own hurt feelings, reassure your parents and resolve your difficult relationship with your friend is to take a little time alone and try to strengthen your own core, your own place in life. Fi users should be good at this:you just need to turn some of that empathy and nurturing inward. This is not a betrayal of your friend. You have to not see her for a bit (although this does not mean you cannot communicate or be there for her) and work on being there for you.

This is why relationships get easier as you get older: the work of building just who the hell you are has been done. You still need to do it, so go to it.

Good luck.


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## Ardent Lunacy (Dec 9, 2011)

Alright, I'd have replied sooner, but I got a massive migraine and slept most of the day away. Time to go person by person.

@Miss Yokisano: "Break-Through" Attitude? I'm trying to assure myself as much as you; you give me too much credit. I will follow your advice, hold her, let her know I'm here. I won't lie. I want more; but it just _isn't_ going to happen. I hope you are your man do well. You might be a lot better at this than I am. To your second post; I'm "off" women for six months. That's my promise to myself. When I start community college, I'll be looking open to the idea, again. They always come when I don't want them. And thank you; the best to you and him, as well. She's never going to know I wrote this, but she'd appreciate your support.

@Mav: You sound like about 90% of my friends. You're also probably completely right. I know you guys are right, I just can't bring myself to let go. I have a problem with that. I hold on to these things for way too long. Thank you, sir Mav. Your re-assurance to a common point may sound sarcastic coming from me, but it is too appreciated.

@Miss Alfreda: I really wish you hadn't said the top part... part of me believes that, and it tears me up inside. I'm aware that's why they're acting like that; it's why I'm not angry with them for what they do, just how they do it. I will do that, ma'am. I need my journey, my little odyssey into heart. Loving myself is damn near impossible. But, like anything else I've recently done that was impossible: I'll do it anyway. Do the impossible, see the invisible. Touch the untouchable, break the unbreakable. Thank you, Miss Alfreda: this means a lot to me.


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## yesiknowbut (Oct 25, 2009)

Well, since I am the old lady in the rocking chair on the verandah dispensing sage advice, take with you this little pearl: everything is unbreakable. Attempting to break it simply transforms it into something else. Often with a grain more complex and more beautiful. Go to it, young man.


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## BroNerd (Nov 27, 2010)

If I was in your situation, I would probably just dissociate from her completely. 
But it sounds like you're still into her despite all that has happened..so I understand this is difficult.

Maybe by completely cutting her off, you'll help her by having her realize that she shouldn't mess around with people like that. 
If she's people-smart at all, that is..


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## Ardent Lunacy (Dec 9, 2011)

@Miss Alfreda: I'll take that, ma'am; hopefully I'll appreciate it as it's meant to be. 

@BroNerd: I wish I could do that. I, honest to God, wish I could. That's what my friends say.

I've been saying something in my head all day... "There's a fine, fine line between Love and a waste of your time." I think I crossed that line a long time ago...

I wish, I honest to God wish, that I could let go. It's not something I know how to do. She's bad for me. She's flat-out unhealthy for me. It's intoxicating. My friends say I deserve better; she doesn't deserve me. That's what they say. This relationship is just a waste of my time... trying to save it is just my usual clueless self trying to change the unchangeable when it's best to let nature run it's course. I don't know... part of me has hope, part of me is really confused. Most of me is sad. I've got a lot going on, without her; with her... it's just... 

I don't why I let her overwhelm my mind. I do this to myself. I don't really understand; why does she affect me like this? Why? 

I'm going to make good on my promise... but I never promised to martyr myself for a future that'll never be.


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