# Casual sex for people who crave meaningful sex



## Blackbird (Jan 14, 2010)

So I was reading the post about not compromising your ideals if you know you need to be in love/really care about someone to have sex with them, and I thought this deserved its own post. I do not enjoy casual sex in the way some people do, and if you asked me, I would tell you I don't think someone deserves to experience that part of me unless they earn it (through trust, mutual respect, commitment, etc - a loving relationship, basically). 

That said, I get lonely and horny, and sometimes I want the validation that I can "get some," like the stereotypical jock at the bar. So I've had friends-with-benefits situations (with people who later turned into platonic friends), and I've never had a true one-night stand, but recently I've been considering it. I got my heart broken, and I have had this overwhelming urge to sleep with someone else so he won't be the last person I slept with. 

I think it's nice that some people are willing to be abstinent for their ideals, but personally... I'm not. I would love to be in a situation where I DO have that loving, respectful relationship and can feel good about it, but until I do, I'm not going to wait around and not have sex. I will pick mediocre sex (that I occasionally regret) over no sex at all. 

Does anyone else feel this way/do this too?


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## cynthiareza (Feb 26, 2012)

I have def felt that way. Of course we want that loving relationship, but in the mean time you gotta do what you gotta do to get by. And I think if your safe, its ok. And yeah there may be times we regret it. But I am with you when you say you would rather deal with the negatives than have no sex at all.


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## Nomen Nescio (Feb 13, 2012)

I had the impression that you "sex is meaningful" folks generally had less sex because you guys held the experience on a higher pedestal. Wouldn't having sex for the sake of sex cheapen the experience for you guys? Wouldn't having sex for the sake of sex cheapen the experience for that partner who does care for you?


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## Blackbird (Jan 14, 2010)

Nomen Nescio said:


> Wouldn't having sex for the sake of sex cheapen the experience for you guys? Wouldn't having sex for the sake of sex cheapen the experience for that partner who does care for you?


I feel like the experience already has been cheapened. Maybe it's a defense mechanism for me in this situation - I had sex because I cared about someone, it didn't mean much to him, now I want to "fix" that by acting like he was just another notch in my bedpost, too. 

But also, I just feel like having casual sex and meaningful sex are separate things? Like "having sex" and "making love." I would love to make love with someone, but it's not even the same thing to me as just having sex, so I don't see myself making love to someone and thinking, "This is okay I guess, but I've done it so many times before." I won't have done it so many times before. I've only "made love" with maybe two or three people. What about masturbating? I mean, it's not meaningful, it's sex for the sake of sex. Casual sex seems like masturbation to me, just... with a person. 

As far as me having sex for the sake of sex cheapening it for whoever I do end up in a meaningful relationship with... yikes, I hope not. I would feel... really judged. And I don't think I could be in a relationship with someone who felt that making love to me was tarnished by the people I'd been with before, or who felt that I was "damaged goods." That would really hurt. I can see myself feeling jealous/insecure about the people my partner had been with before, but if I loved him, and I knew that he loved me, I really don't think I would judge him for doing what I've been doing. 

I'm not Christian, by the way. I haven't seen anyone mention actual religion when discussing this issue here, but it's probably relevant.


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## GoodOldDreamer (Sep 8, 2011)

Nope. Never been into the whole casual sex thing. If I just wanted to get off, I have a hand for that. P If I'm gonna take the time and effort to involve another person, then it's going to be a worthwhile experience or it's simply not going to happen. I don't like to waste my time with meaningless endeavors. Especially when I and the other person are also putting our lives on the line as well, for various reasons.

Haven't been in a serious relationship in a decade. Haven't had sex in at least that long either. *shrug* Can't really think of a time it's ever been an issue either. But I'm also demisexual, so there's that. I'm not even attracted to someone enough to consider sex with them until I'm deeply in love with them, lol.


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## Fleetfoot (May 9, 2011)

I'm pretty into the casual sex thing, but sometimes meaningful sex looks more fulfilling. Keeping it casual isn't something I like to do frequently, because then there's drama and a lot of work to getting someone drunk in your bed (or theirs) and having condoms at hand and whatnot.


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## bengalcat (Dec 8, 2010)

Blackbird said:


> So I was reading the post about not compromising your ideals if you know you need to be in love/really care about someone to have sex with them, and I thought this deserved its own post. I do not enjoy casual sex in the way some people do, and if you asked me, I would tell you I don't think someone deserves to experience that part of me unless they earn it (through trust, mutual respect, commitment, etc - a loving relationship, basically).
> 
> That said, I get lonely and horny, and sometimes I want the validation that I can "get some," like the stereotypical jock at the bar. So I've had friends-with-benefits situations (with people who later turned into platonic friends), and I've never had a true one-night stand, but recently I've been considering it. I got my heart broken, and I have had this overwhelming urge to sleep with someone else so he won't be the last person I slept with.
> 
> ...


I feel similarly to you. 

Though, I don't know that I'd say that I'm happy to knowingly choose mediocre sex over no sex at all. I think I like to delude myself that any sex yet to come could still be great, regardless of whether it was "casual" or in a relationship. I don't assume that "casual" is necessarily inferior, though sex with someone you have deep feelings for can be unspeakably awesome. 

I've done a couple of one night stands and short-term affairs that we knew from the start would not lead to a future together, but they've always been with people I feel very comfortable with. Looking back on these experiences got me to figuring that to be able to sleep with someone, I seem to require at least 8 hours of enjoyable conversation. It doesn't matter if this 8 hours is had in the space of a day or a few weeks, but it seems to be some unspoken minimum threshold that must be attained to enable me to trust someone and feel like my decision to sleep with them is not going to be one I regret. 

The thing too is that sex just makes life better. I know there are a lot of people who think it's overrated, particularly when done casually, and I've never had sex in that truly casual way where I barely know the person or don't even know I like the person or where I don't care about them and think it's fine for them to not care about me. I'd only sleep with people who would treat me like a friend and aren't going to be some obvious 'I'll just throw you away now' type of cock. But however overrated some think it is, sex makes me happy! Immediately after and on a general basis. Happy, more optimistic, relaxed, all "hey everything's gonna be okay cuz I just got laid" (haha it's so crazy)

So I somewhat agree with you. But the thing is, even though I agree with you, being able to easily translate that into reality is another matter. I think the strong drive for meaningful sex makes it harder for me to behave in ways to get casual sex. I can't really eye up and hit on people in some meaningless, "hey there hot body" type of way, you know? It's something I find frustrating. I'm female, not unattractive, wanting sex, not against casual sex... so what the hell is stopping me? In light of everything you've said in your post, do you find it easy to go out and have casual sex?

I'm sorry about your heart by the way. Finding out sex you thought was meaningful meant nothing to the other person is such a horrible experience. I had that happen with a guy I was going out with. I thought we occasionally had moments of bonding and closeness whereas for him it was just a "man has needs - simple bodily function" type of deal. Made me feel really alone and stupid.


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## bengalcat (Dec 8, 2010)

Hmmm. I can't get the fact that you recently got your heart broken out of my mind though. 

If you want to have casual sex to regain some confidence and feel more distance from him, I'm not going to bag that. But ... I hope you really do understand that "fix" is "fix". Not fix. Trying to act now like he was just another notch for you doesn't make it so. If you're horny then I will cheer for you to go and get your sex on, but if a huge part of it is to heal hurt feelings.... Hmmm. I dunno, has this helped in the past? Sex can be a confidence-booster for me but it never resolves issues I have with another person.


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## Yardiff Bey (Jun 5, 2011)

Casual sex is kinda hard to do for me. I'd rather have it with someone that I know and like at least a bit - I like what @bengalcat says about needing, say, 8+ hours of getting to know someone before I feel comfortable enough to really go for it. That said, I've had it casually, and it's not been anywhere nearly as good as the times with someone I know and am comfortable with.

Friends with benefits would be far more preferable than some random stranger.

I can empathize with the urge to go do something, anything, to make your former guy just another notch. Girls have a saying: to get over a guy, get under another one. Similar with guys, though for us it is: to get over a girl, get in another ten girls. Just sayin', though it sounds highly cynical.


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## bengalcat (Dec 8, 2010)

Yardiff Bey said:


> Girls have a saying: to get over a guy, get under another one. Similar with guys, though for us it is: to get over a girl, get in another ten girls. Just sayin', though it sounds highly cynical.


Sounds like it's easier being a girl than a guy then. 1 is all it takes for us? Well then, I might be able to do that in a year. If I had to do 10 god... haven't even done 10 yet. That would be like my lifetime to use the sex method to get over someone.


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## dylanabroad (Apr 1, 2012)

I constantly find myself looking for the right person to (for lack of a personal interpretation) 'merge with' at nearly any point in my day. Unfortunately my high standards are often a fallacy and in turn, wind me up alone and pessimistic. I end up selling out to anyone for a brief moment of sexual intimacy, which even in casual instances, can be very intense and internally emotional. 
I find I'm willing to throw myself at anyone despite the social context, yet am withheld by fear that they will reject and turn me away. Although it's not much of an issue now, I remember my first few times having difficulty in drawing the boundaries between casual and intimate - generally cuddling for too long or believing this single casual instance could, somehow, spiral into a full on relationship. It's embarrassing, so I often find myself attempting to erase the bad instances of casual sex with pleasant ideals of future encounters - sexual/selfpres ninewingone woes.


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## Yardiff Bey (Jun 5, 2011)

bengalcat said:


> Sounds like it's easier being a girl than a guy then. 1 is all it takes for us? Well then, I might be able to do that in a year. If I had to do 10 god... haven't even done 10 yet. That would be like my lifetime to use the sex method to get over someone.


Much easier to be a girl. For starters, you can basically pick up damn near any guy you run across and who you find attractive.

Short of him being utterly clueless or plain not-interested for whatever reason. Chances are that you won't run into those types in a bar, though.

Luck.


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## Nomen Nescio (Feb 13, 2012)

Blackbird said:


> I feel like the experience already has been cheapened. Maybe it's a defense mechanism for me in this situation - I had sex because I cared about someone, it didn't mean much to him, now I want to "fix" that by acting like he was just another notch in my bedpost, too.
> 
> As far as me having sex for the sake of sex cheapening it for whoever I do end up in a meaningful relationship with... yikes, I hope not. I would feel... really judged. And I don't think I could be in a relationship with someone who felt that making love to me was tarnished by the people I'd been with before, or who felt that I was "damaged goods." That would really hurt. I can see myself feeling jealous/insecure about the people my partner had been with before, but if I loved him, and I knew that he loved me, I really don't think I would judge him for doing what I've been doing.


I feel like this quote was made for you:

_I like women who haven’t lived with too many men.
I don’t expect virginity but I simply prefer women
who haven’t been rubbed raw by experience.

there is a quality about women who choose
men sparingly;
it appears in their walk
in their eyes
in their laughter and in their
gentle hearts.

women who have had too many men
seem to choose the next one
*out of revenge rather than with
feeling.*

when you play the field selfishly everything
works against you:
one can’t insist on love or
demand affection.
you’re finally left with whatever
you have been willing to give
which often is:
nothing.

some women are delicate things
some women are delicious and
wondrous.

if you want to piss on the sun
go ahead
but please leave them
alone._
-Charles Bukowski​


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## bengalcat (Dec 8, 2010)

Yardiff Bey said:


> Much easier to be a girl. For starters, you can basically pick up damn near any guy you run across and who you find attractive.
> 
> Short of him being utterly clueless or plain not-interested for whatever reason. Chances are that you won't run into those types in a bar, though.
> 
> Luck.


Mmmm. However do also run into a lot of types who are seedy, pushy, unintelligent and want you to say yes even if it is coerced. The types who get ultra huffy if you dare to turn down their amazing offer. 

NotLuck. 

To the OP: Can Sex Ever Be Casual? | MetaFilter
I thought it was interesting, though the jokes are the best part 

Wow @Nomen Nescio. So the other women... the ones "rubbed raw"... they're not delicious or wondrous or all kinds of special? You should be careful Blackbird. You're totally going to debase your delicate feminine flower.


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## robespierre (Jan 11, 2012)

oh my I can relate. I broke up with my bf not too long ago and now I'm single in college...I'm supposed to be all sexed up and free but I just don't even know how to initiate a one-night stand. I dont go to parties often and I doubt guys in the library are going to approach me randomly asking for sex. lol how does this whole one-night stand thing even work??

Actually a piece of advice I got from a guy is to go to a bar/club and just bluntly tell a guy you're interested in him...most men chilling at a bar won't say no to sex lol.


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## Yardiff Bey (Jun 5, 2011)

bengalcat said:


> Mmmm. However do also run into a lot of types who are seedy, pushy, unintelligent and want you to say yes even if it is coerced. The types who get ultra huffy if you dare to turn down their amazing offer.
> 
> NotLuck.
> 
> ...


Eh, sounds like you and a girlfriend need to go out on the town together and check out some guys. The seedy/pushy types I have seen - they think they can break through someone's commonsense by constant nudgenudgenudge.

I think it's kinda funny when they hit on female friends of mine. I sit there and try not to laugh, 'cause I know them girls and those guys don't have a chance in hell. XD



robespierre said:


> oh my I can relate. I broke up with my bf not too long ago and now I'm single in college...I'm supposed to be all sexed up and free but I just don't know how to even initiate a one-night stand. I dont go to parties often and I doubt guys in the library are going to approach me randomly asking for sex. lol how does this whole one-night stand thing even work??
> 
> Actually a piece of advice I got from a guy is to go to a bar/club and just bluntly tell a guy you're interested in him...most men chilling at a bar won't say no to sex lol.


EXACTLY! You win the platinum-plated whatsit.

'Course, you still want to have some idea of what he's like/standards.


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## bengalcat (Dec 8, 2010)

Yardiff Bey said:


> Eh, sounds like you and a girlfriend need to go out on the town together and check out some guys. The seedy/pushy types I have seen - they think they can break through someone's commonsense by constant nudgenudgenudge.


Yeah I suppose declining offers would be easier with a wingperson. Hmm. Probably wasn't the original intention of a wingperson. 

I've actually never done that, gone out with a girlfriend just to check out guys. It sounds entertaining, we could pretend we're in a documentary. Wow. Perhaps that's one way people make casual sex happen... Actually go out with the intention to fish. Hmmm. Wow. Oh. Being so calculating about it is giving me the heebie jeebies. Perhaps I am only built for accidental casual sex. Though accidental is probably a poor choice of words.


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## Nomen Nescio (Feb 13, 2012)

bengalcat said:


> Wow @Nomen Nescio. So the other women... the ones "rubbed raw"... they're not delicious or wondrous or all kinds of special? You should be careful Blackbird. You're totally going to debase your delicate feminine flower.


I don't think you are grasping the same ideas from that quote as me, because I do not believe it has anything to do with femininity or being physically rubbed raw. It's about being emotionally rubbed raw and I believe the same emotional effects of promiscuity applies to men as well. 

I've honestly never had sex within a relationship setting and I feel because of this, I've never understood why I should separate intimacy from sex. I am intimate with everyone and it's not something that's special to me anymore. This leads to a lot people thinking that I'm leading them on or trying to manipulate them and eventually someone gets hurt, someone thrashes out, and we all go our separate ways without having taken anything away from the experience. It's empty, there is no connection, and it only makes your heart heavier when you find out that you've meant a lot more to them than they've ever meant to you. Soon you find yourself wanting something different, but you don't know how. You end up feeling trapped either way.


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## Yardiff Bey (Jun 5, 2011)

bengalcat said:


> Yeah I suppose declining offers would be easier with a wingperson. Hmm. Probably wasn't the original intention of a wingperson.
> 
> I've actually never done that, gone out with a girlfriend just to check out guys. It sounds entertaining, we could pretend we're in a documentary. Wow. Perhaps that's one way people make casual sex happen... Actually go out with the intention to fish. Hmmm. Wow. Oh. Being so calculating about it is giving me the heebie jeebies. Perhaps I am only built for accidental casual sex. Though accidental is probably a poor choice of words.


It's not a case of declining offers - your wingperson helps to make sure that you don't make a completely catastrophic mistake.  And you vice-versa, of course. Girls do have a tendency to get hornier when drunk, as I understand it the alcohol ups their testosterone as well as reducing their inhibitions.

Do it! Go out with a female friend just to check out guys. It can be totally entertaining seeing it happen - pretend to be something that you're not, perhaps something totally ridiculous. When the guy asks you what you do, say "I'm quality control officer at a brickmaking factory" or something dumb.

What I tell girls when they ask what I do is: "I'm training to be a masseuse". Which by the bye is actually true, but not what I do for a living. XD

Is the thought of it giving you the heebie-jeebies, or is it actually a frisson of anticipation and delight? Make no mistake: there can be a delicious amount of fun doing something different, so long as you're feeling relatively safe in the process. Hell, there's a delicious amount of fun in a well-planned and executed seduction! ;-)


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## bengalcat (Dec 8, 2010)

Nomen Nescio said:


> I don't think you are grasping the same ideas from that quote as me, because I do not believe it has anything to do with femininity or being physically rubbed raw. It's about being emotionally rubbed raw and I believe the same emotional effects of promiscuity applies to men as well.
> 
> I've honestly have never had sex within a relationship setting and I feel because of this, I've never understood why I should separate intimacy from sex. I am intimate with everyone and it's not something that's special to me anymore. This leads to a lot people thinking that I'm leading them on or trying to manipulate them and eventually someone gets hurt, someone thrashes out, and we all go our separate ways without having taken anything away from the experience. It's empty, there is no connection, and it only makes your heart heavier when you find out that you've meant a lot more to them than they've ever meant to you. Soon you find yourself wanting something different, but you don't know how. You end up feeling trapped either way.


I was looking at both ways it could be taken. 

I still have issues with it because it puts women into categories on the basis of their sexual behaviour. I don't think it's fair to say that women who have sex easily or with a lot of people are necessarily jaded, damaged and bitter. 

It also seems like it's saying that these choices irrevocably mark a person. Even if a person were to go through a phase of being promiscuous and regretting it, it doesn't mean their soul is marred for life. That they no longer have a spirit or a way about them that is beautiful and that will be seen as beautiful by another person. 

It feels like the sort of message that some religions have been using for ages, and it doesn't matter whether a person is painted as damaged goods physically or spiritually/emotionally. Although it sounds like it's there to make the "pure, light" women feel special, it's also kind of scaremongering.

I'm sorry that you are having a hard time figuring out how to do something different. I don't really want to pry too much, I guess I'm just wondering that if you've never had sex within a relationship and you want to do something different... Wouldn't trying to get into a relationship be something different? Or ... being celibate and just having good friendships and chats for a while?


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## bengalcat (Dec 8, 2010)

Yardiff Bey said:


> Is the thought of it giving you the heebie-jeebies, or is it actually a frisson of anticipation and delight? Make no mistake: there can be a delicious amount of fun doing something different, so long as you're feeling relatively safe in the process. Hell, there's a delicious amount of fun in a well-planned and executed seduction! ;-)


It sounds fun like... if I imagine I'm some kind of movie character. But I'm gonna return to being myself at some point. 

The heebie jeebies is... hmm... I don't know, I think that real connection between people, real chemistry is somewhat either there or not. It's something you find and not something you manufacture? (I know PUA people will disagree but I think that though they might toy with some interesting psychological issues in people, they are not really doing something about chemistry.) It might be that I'm a snob and there are not that many people I get truly attracted to and intrigued by. So the heebie jeebies is to think that I'd just select some men from a line-up and contrive something to happen. The heebie jeebies is that... for me to do that it'd be kinda hollow? I would feel like I was using them because most of them I think I'd find boring. Perhaps they wouldn't mind being used but it's not them having to deal with heebie jeebies. 

Please excuse my neuroticism. Going out on the town to just scope things out with a girlfriend does sound fun. I am quite doubtful I could get very much into it though, not being an easily flitting social butterfly in the first place


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## Yardiff Bey (Jun 5, 2011)

bengalcat said:


> It sounds fun like... if I imagine I'm some kind of movie character. But I'm gonna return to being myself at some point.
> 
> The heebie jeebies is... hmm... I don't know, I think that real connection between people, real chemistry is somewhat either there or not. It's something you find and not something you manufacture? (I know PUA people will disagree but I think that though they might toy with some interesting psychological issues in people, they are not really doing something about chemistry.) It might be that I'm a snob and there are not that many people I get truly attracted to and intrigued by. So the heebie jeebies is to think that I'd just select some men from a line-up and contrive something to happen. The heebie jeebies is that... for me to do that it'd be kinda hollow? I would feel like I was using them because most of them I think I'd find boring. Perhaps they wouldn't mind being used but it's not them having to deal with heebie jeebies.
> 
> Please excuse my neuroticism. Going out on the town to just scope things out with a girlfriend does sound fun. I am quite doubtful I could get very much into it though, not being an easily flitting social butterfly in the first place


Ah, nervousness.  I do agree with the bit about chemistry - some girls just don't have it, and there are some types which completely switch my libido totally off. Obviously its the same from the woman's side too.

Well, at least go out with a girlfriend every couple of weeks. It will grow on you, you will get more relaxed, and TBH if you don't put yourself where there are available guys - you will get nada.


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## Razare (Apr 21, 2009)

Blackbird said:


> Does anyone else feel this way/do this too?


I'd love to know if I felt this way or not.

Unattractive men are presented with a different set of choices, making such beliefs almost irrelevant.

What is a belief that isn't tested? Something you think you'd do in a situation... but at least with me, I can never be truly sure what I would do until presented with the situation.

I *think* I want to stay single and not have sex. Yet does my life test that belief? No... so if the right set of circumstances were to occur, maybe I wouldn't do what I think I would do. Hard to say whether I feel similarly or not.

I think your standpoint is reasonable, though. What's wrong with casual sex? (other than the obvious problems)

I would say that I hate wearing condoms... so that kind of reduces my appetite for casual sex. When a condom is involved, it's almost like, I'd only sleep with her just so I could have the confidence boost of having slept with her, not because the experience was that great. But really, that's just a pointless inflation of my ego that benefits me in no way.

Given the condom factor, I think I'm going to have to stick to long-term relationship sex if I ever have any. Granted, not all sex in a long-term relationship is meaningful... sometimes you just screw to screw. Sometimes there's love in it. So putting a meaningful qualifier on there would imply holding-out from my partner occasionally, until I was emotionally present.


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## Marac (Mar 26, 2012)

I've tried a little bit of all. 

One night stands - Well, good in the sense that you get laid, if you are really horny, but the sex is probably not going to be great.

Friends with benefits - Much better sex since you are familiar with each other and you relax more and enjoy the experience. Problem is that one of the persons usually after a while start getting feelings for the other one, which if not mutual, can leave things ending on a bad note. 

Relationship - Provided you find the right person the sex can be amazing, since it can be great on a pure physical level as well as emotionally. 

Conclusion: People have needs that need to be fulfilled. Friends with benefits isn't perfect, but it is better than one night stands, in my opinion.

EDIT: Someone asked how to initiate FWB. Probably a lot of ways to do so. The way I have had best success with is after a one night stand you say "We should do this again" upon which the other part may agree if they had a decent experience. 

Converting a person who is already your friend into a friends with benefits relationship has not worked well in my case, because if things go sour (which there is a good chance they will), you won't have that friend anymore.

Morale: Don't have sex with the friends you can't afford to lose.


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## Jennywocky (Aug 7, 2009)

Blackbird said:


> I think it's nice that some people are willing to be abstinent for their ideals, but personally... I'm not. I would love to be in a situation where I DO have that loving, respectful relationship and can feel good about it, but until I do, I'm not going to wait around and not have sex. I will pick mediocre sex (that I occasionally regret) over no sex at all.


Sometimes I feel that way; but I'm also careful and a little anxious and there are some uncertainties about sex with strangers... not just making sure I protect myself in whatever ways I need protected, but even how to extricate myself in case I decide I don't want to do it anymore with him but he keeps trying to persist. So it just all becomes a big question mark in my head, which I then just decide, "it's not worth the trouble."



Marac said:


> Morale: Don't have sex with the friends you can't afford to lose.


hey, ain't THAT the truth!


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## JoetheBull (Apr 29, 2010)

I would prefer meaningful sex over casual. But my sex drive seems kind of high(I am only guessing since I don't know what's normal, low, high, or way too high is to compare to), so casual sex preferably with some one I already know(have a hard time getting used to people) would be great. But I completely fail in that department, since almost all friends/aquatints view me more as either an older or younger brother. And going as long as I have without sex has had very negative affects on me.


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## nadjasix (Jun 14, 2011)

The only problem with casual sex is that trying to get it by going "out on the town" is not going to work for most women, because the guys who approach you for sex are not the kind of guys you're attracted to 9 times out of 10 (especially if you're an introvert). 

The best bet is to have sex with a friend, but that can get messy, too.

It's not the mechanics of it that's the problem, it's the logistics, most of the time.


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## Chipps (Jun 1, 2011)

bengalcat said:


> I was looking at both ways it could be taken.
> 
> I still have issues with it because it puts women into categories on the basis of their sexual behaviour. I don't think it's fair to say that women who have sex easily or with a lot of people are necessarily jaded, damaged and bitter.
> 
> ...


Actually, the reason that women who have casual sex and/or a history of promiscuous sex are passed over when it comes to marriage, is because there is evidence, for men and women, that with every sexual partner you have, the more likely you are to get a divorce. So you can say how unfair it is, but it still happens today whether or not women like it. It used to be that people shamed up right up front, but now it has gone underground and you'll end up dumped never knowing why the relationship ended because he was turned off by your promiscuous past.

I read this article or blog post (can't remember) and it was written by this woman who was in her mid 30s (no older than 35 i believe) who had finally found the "man of dreams" and was dating him and the relationship was getting pretty serious and she wanted to get married so she could have kids since her time was running out (read: had run out). Anyway, they were just chatting one day and he asked her how many people she has slept with and she answered honestly. It was more than 40, I believe, which was about his age and at the time, he didn't say anything at the time, but after that she never saw him again. 

Now people try to argue that this is because men are insecure and yada yada yada, which some are, and I agree, but some simply dont find promiscuity attractive. Im a woman and I don't. I don't have casual sex, and I certainly don't date people who do. Now, there are also men out there who have alot of casual sex and then judge women for it or try and shame them or refuse to date them (which I think is bullshit and hypocritical), but there are guys out there who only have sex in relationships with people they care for and those men shouldn't be told that they have to accept someones promiscuous past. I think it comes down to values. I value sex so much that I only do it with someone I care for. Having casual sex or being promiscuous shows me you don't 1) value it the same way as me or 2) value it at all. Since Im not willing to compromise on my values, it would never work out between us.


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## The Great One (Apr 19, 2010)

No, I don't need to be in a relationship to fuck. Just give me a beautiful woman that I get along with and we can go at it. 

P.S. I'm somewhat of a scumbag.


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## Chipps (Jun 1, 2011)

The Great One said:


> P.S. I'm somewhat of a scumbag.


lol, at least you're honest about it.


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## The Great One (Apr 19, 2010)

Chipps said:


> lol, at least you're honest about it.


Wow an 8 w 7 ENTJ enforcing the idea that I'm a scumbag. Now that's entertaining.


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## Paradox1987 (Oct 9, 2010)

Blackbird said:


> So I was reading the post about not compromising your ideals if you know you need to be in love/really care about someone to have sex with them, and I thought this deserved its own post. I do not enjoy casual sex in the way some people do, and if you asked me, I would tell you I don't think someone deserves to experience that part of me unless they earn it (through trust, mutual respect, commitment, etc - a loving relationship, basically).
> 
> That said, I get lonely and horny, and sometimes I want the validation that I can "get some," like the stereotypical jock at the bar. So I've had friends-with-benefits situations (with people who later turned into platonic friends), and I've never had a true one-night stand, but recently I've been considering it. I got my heart broken, and I have had this overwhelming urge to sleep with someone else so he won't be the last person I slept with.
> 
> ...


Sure, certainly felt it. But I really, really don't like one night stands. I can do a FWB scenario, but I dislike one-night stands personally. I can't be bothered to beat myself up about doing something I know I don't like, so it's not worth the hassle for me. I get why it'd appeal though; as long as people (this includes people in monogamous relationships) are safe, responsible and consensual, meh, they can do whatever the hell they like IMO .


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## changos (Nov 21, 2011)

I believe that's dangerous (and came across a lot of readings to support this)
Sex is like food AND LIFE, don't think of it as gourmet dinners, don't think of life as something of super special with heav magical meaning... or you will loose the ability to enjoy the normal foods (that are in fact pure gifts of life) and life itself... that in fact has no ordinary moments.


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## Manhattan (Jul 13, 2011)

Many may not get this impression, but I do crave meaningful sex the great majority of the time. I bond by shared activity in general, but throw the intimacy of sex in the mix and you have a recipe for a special experience. 

Still, all sex is good (if you have a partner that cares about your enjoyment, and I'm sure we'd all agree that you shouldn't sleep with anyone who doesn't). Turning down casual sex for meaningful is like being offered only a slice of pie, and saying "No, I want the whole thing, or nothing at all". You could enjoy your tiny slice until something meaningful comes along.

That's all in theory, though. One night stands can be dangerous, even with condoms. Getting vaccinated about the worst forms of HPV, wearing a condom, and discreetly checking your partner for any sort of sores or warts will _mostly _keep you safe. Personally, I don't accept these risks. I'll have casual sex with friends. Most of these friendships are based off of sex if I plan on having sex with them, so it doesn't complicate.


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## 626Stitch (Oct 22, 2010)

> _if you want to piss on the sun
> go ahead
> but please leave them
> alone._


lol this is such a great poem


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## 626Stitch (Oct 22, 2010)

> accidental casual sex


Like if you tripp and fall into a girls vagina


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## 626Stitch (Oct 22, 2010)

> I don't think you are grasping the same ideas from that quote as me, because I do not believe it has anything to do with femininity or being physically rubbed raw. It's about being emotionally rubbed raw and I believe the same emotional effects of promiscuity applies to men as well.


I think this part of the poem is best viewed in the context of the part about getting back what you give which is nothing.


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## 626Stitch (Oct 22, 2010)

> I still have issues with it because it puts women into categories on the basis of their sexual behaviour. I don't think it's fair to say that women who have sex easily or with a lot of people are necessarily jaded, damaged and bitter.


no but its probably fair to say that they vallue their particular sexuel partners less. I thought the poem was interesting because I hate the ideas about femal purity to but I identify a lot with the poem a lot. I think the guy is just saying that he prefers women who are selective about their sexual partners, like he wants to actually matter to someone. I would only have a problem with this if he wants to seduce lots of women who are selective lol. 

I thought the story about the dude dumping that lady becuase she has had sex with lots of other men was horrible. But than maybe the dude was worried the lady didn't really like him. Its not unreasonable to use someones past to predict their futer behaviour.


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## Solrac026 (Mar 6, 2012)

I don't know about you everyone else here, but I'm pretty horny/frustrated. I wish I could try FWB, but as an INTJ I only have a few friends and not one that is a girl and lives nearby. I think the statistics on turning F to FWB are not good, but I would like to confirm this.

Out of those that have had or currently have a FWB relationship:

1. What is your gender?
2. Did you or your friend start the FWB?
3. How many friends do you have?


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## bengalcat (Dec 8, 2010)

626Stitch said:


> no but its probably fair to say that they vallue their particular sexuel partners less. I thought the poem was interesting because I hate the ideas about femal purity to but I identify a lot with the poem a lot. I think the guy is just saying that he prefers women who are selective about their sexual partners, like he wants to actually matter to someone. I would only have a problem with this if he wants to seduce lots of women who are selective lol.
> 
> I thought the story about the dude dumping that lady becuase she has had sex with lots of other men was horrible. But than maybe the dude was worried the lady didn't really like him. Its not unreasonable to use someones past to predict their futer behaviour.


The whole "delicious, wondrous, gentle hearts" bit bothered me. It's a poem, it's all tied together. It shows his preference but it also shows how he sees and judges women. It's his view, whatever. But it is still a repackaging of the same old idea of choosing to see people as damaged goods. Sex - its meaning, its impact - is such a personal thing for people. To make it seem like it's simple like - oh casual sex = you become a shell of a human being or oh casual sex = you must not value yourself or other people, is ridiculous. We don't get to decide these things for other people. We don't get to judge them. We will because we're assholes but we don't get to. People already have so many shitty things indoctrinated into them about sex and how they should see themselves in relation to it, I see a poem like that as just adding to it. 

You know it's perfectly possible for a woman to be selective and not to have some special light emanating from her eyes and walk and heart. Her selectivity and narrowing down of her options could harden her and result in her valuing whoever she's with after that less as well. Pain and numbing happens in a variety of ways. He prefers a woman who hasn't been rubbed raw by experience... What if she did only live with one man and was rubbed raw by that experience? Oh well, not a good enough flower anymore for him? 

I think what he paints is way too simplistic. 

If he was simply having sex with a woman casually, who had had sex with many others, then it would be interesting that he should want to matter to them (if he was only doing it casually as well). But if he was having sex with a woman who he wanted to be with, who had previously had sex with many others, that is not at all to say that she has not been selective in choosing him to get serious with? He would matter to her. It's not necessarily totally unreasonable to use someone's past to guess at their future behaviour, but if you honestly want to know if you matter to someone just bloody communicate with them. 

The other fascinating thing about this is for as unrubbed as he wants his women, for as special as he might want to feel (and who doesn't want to feel special?), Charles Bukowski sounds like he was a pretty decent womaniser. Sure he could be expressing his regret for his own rubbed out soul through this poem, but the poem, his other work and the way he lived would seem consistent with the same old party line.


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