# Dating infj and he's hot/cold



## Areevey (Jan 13, 2011)

I'm hoping to get some help, as this is causing me some serious trouble. I'm dating an infj. We are head over heels in love! Things are seriously great, except he tends to be hot or cold with me. It's like riding a roller coaster ride and it's seriously starting to take a toll on me emotionally and even physically. The problem is he will suddenly and abruptly shut down, become distant in communication, need a lot of space. He becomes very cold and hard to deal with, leaving me feel lonely, sad and rejected. This, after a couple weeks of lots of gushiness, affection, time together, intense and meaningful conversations which include talks of wanting to come home to me every day, spending every day with me. Then, for a whole weekend, he needs space. It comes off as a very mixed message to me. I process it as rejection, This is not a one time occurrence but, I'm finding it's a pattern. And a very difficult one to deal with for me, someone who needs consistency and stability, especially as a newly divorced girl. My poor heart can't take much more of this. It just seems like unfair treatment. Does anyone have any insights, advice? HELP!


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## aurly (Jun 15, 2014)

It is not rejection, he does need space. When together his focus will be on you and that's draining. Too much and he'll simply shut down. It is not an option for INFJ - he _needs_ alone time. 
It'll go away as you grow closer and build trust, but that takes time. Until then it's good to schedule some regular alone time for you both to allow you and him to recharge your batteries without the abrupt shutdowns.


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## elegant.poupee (Feb 4, 2016)

Areevey said:


> I'm hoping to get some help, as this is causing me some serious trouble. I'm dating an infj. We are head over heels in love! Things are seriously great, except he tends to be hot or cold with me. It's like riding a roller coaster ride and it's seriously starting to take a toll on me emotionally and even physically. The problem is he will suddenly and abruptly shut down, become distant in communication, need a lot of space. He becomes very cold and hard to deal with, leaving me feel lonely, sad and rejected. This, after a couple weeks of lots of gushiness, affection, time together, intense and meaningful conversations which include talks of wanting to come home to me every day, spending every day with me. Then, for a whole weekend, he needs space. It comes off as a very mixed message to me. I process it as rejection, This is not a one time occurrence but, I'm finding it's a pattern. And a very difficult one to deal with for me, someone who needs consistency and stability, especially as a newly divorced girl. My poor heart can't take much more of this. It just seems like unfair treatment. Does anyone have any insights, advice? HELP!


As @aurly said, he's going to need his alone time. Don't interpret it as rejection, but like most introverts, he will need time alone to recharge after lengthy interactions, especially if they're very deep interactions. I think the best thing to do would be to just come out and ask him about it, so he can tell you himself. The best thing is to be open and honest in a relationship, and it's important that when things like this come up, you ask him first. With time, as he becomes more comfortable with you and knows you better, he will probably need less time away from you to recharge, but this takes time. In the mean time, communicate with him how you're feeling and let him explain to you why he does this hot/cold thing. If you're looking to be in a long-term relationship with him, it's important that you understand his needs and that he understands yours.


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## Marvin the Dendroid (Sep 10, 2015)

They ^^^ already said it, I'm just here to +1 them.


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## Lord Fenix Wulfheart (Aug 18, 2015)

Yeah. Take control of this by acknowledging why he is withdrawing. Make the dates and time spent together adhere to a schedule (doesn't have to be strict, whatever you are comfortable with). Make sure there are a solid 2 days a week where you each do your own thing, and 1 or 2 days as well where your communication is at a distance via calls/text. Give that a try, and you should see an improvement in the shutting down pattern. 

Also, have you talked to this person honestly about how you feel when this happens? You ought to be upfront and assertive about how this impacts you.


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## NightGallery (Dec 15, 2015)

They all do this, they are so within themselves that they cannot keep going like us ENFJ'S. They need a few days to live within their head. I'm going through the same thing. It's hard to understand, we possess the similar Fe, but we're so external. I don't know, they all seem to get cold. It seems to me INFJ'S have a standard of living, their life must be lived that way, no matter who gets hurt in the process, to them it's for the greater good.

My experience with INFJ'S is that they need time to alone to think within themselves. I text him, he'll respond 5 hours later. Everything is taken very seriously, and responses are thought out and considered. They do not take relationships lightly, so therefore it's draining on them emotionally. They have to have time to think about everything that has happened over the past day or two. It's really quite admirable. It's also easy for us to assume that they're unsure or hot or cold. No, they just process life this way.


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## janas (Mar 11, 2021)

Areevey said:


> I'm hoping to get some help, as this is causing me some serious trouble. I'm dating an infj. We are head over heels in love! Things are seriously great, except he tends to be hot or cold with me. It's like riding a roller coaster ride and it's seriously starting to take a toll on me emotionally and even physically. The problem is he will suddenly and abruptly shut down, become distant in communication, need a lot of space. He becomes very cold and hard to deal with, leaving me feel lonely, sad and rejected. This, after a couple weeks of lots of gushiness, affection, time together, intense and meaningful conversations which include talks of wanting to come home to me every day, spending every day with me. Then, for a whole weekend, he needs space. It comes off as a very mixed message to me. I process it as rejection, This is not a one time occurrence but, I'm finding it's a pattern. And a very difficult one to deal with for me, someone who needs consistency and stability, especially as a newly divorced girl. My poor heart can't take much more of this. It just seems like unfair treatment. Does anyone have any insights, advice? HELP!


Hi Areevey, you just described the exact situation that I'm in.


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## Hexigoon (Mar 12, 2018)

This is an old thread, but as I mentioned in another thread about what would probably be the most difficult part of dating me:



Hexigoon said:


> Probably that I might come across as distant or go into "hot and cold" phases.
> My batteries get exhausted after a while of such intense feelings and I want to isolate.
> It doesn't mean I've fallen out of love, but they might feel that way so I have to be careful not to get too distant.


All I could really do is apologize and try to put in extra once I've recharged and processed.

I had this experience when an ex came to live with me for a while. I loved having her around, was so much fun while I was in the hot phase, it was the happiest I've felt, but after a while I got tired of having no alone time. I became rather moody and unresponsive and even things like kissing began to feel like clinginess. It wasn't her fault though, I still loved her deeply, I wanted to feel mutual energy when I kiss her, but I also wanted some free time to myself to recharge properly, I was so burned out and I didn't know how to express this in words without fearing it would hurt her. I never want to do such a thing to someone I love so much. All I can say is just try to understand it's nothing personal against you when you find yourself in that kind of situation with another INFJ.


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## janas (Mar 11, 2021)

Hexigoon said:


> This is an old thread, but as I mentioned in another thread about what would probably be the most difficult part of dating me:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I'm in almost exact situation as Areevey with some little differences such as that mine INFJ (I'm myself ENTJ) goes through the break op of his current relationship which wasn't functional for past 4 years. We started dating taking it slow and were not able to not see each other anymore so we started a relationship during closing of his old relationship. He doesn't love her anymore but because of his guild feelings he struggled to end it so just made constant actions so she realizes it is over and wil cooperate in a break up. He moved out and about 2 weeks later she said it has no use anymore and so she is ok with divorce. He felt very relieved and in peace and we finally started to speed thins up in our relationship only now he got to hear his father is terminally ill and it is very hard for him to cope with. Last week was everything perfect he had a clear vision what he wants and we made plans for this weekend together. Only i started to feel something is up, he is very drained exhausted and getting colder so I panicked again. He sais that he has an enrmous chaos in his head and know nothing anymore and don't understand himself anymore. He doesn't understand why he feels like this but is very sad about failure of his marriage and it causes him a lot of stress now. He didn't expect it and tels me that our timing is very difficult that we did underestimated this. I know he loves me very much we had this situation already that it seems like he is doubting everything and cant even tell me if he loves me and then he comes back and everything is like it was. This time it is the most intensive so far and Im really worried I will loose him. Im searching for reassurance but he is in the state of mind now that he can't give me any clear answers on anything.


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## Hexigoon (Mar 12, 2018)

janas said:


> I'm in almost exact situation as Areevey with some little differences such as that mine INFJ (I'm myself ENTJ) goes through the break op of his current relationship which wasn't functional for past 4 years. We started dating taking it slow and were not able to not see each other anymore so we started a relationship during closing of his old relationship. He doesn't love her anymore but because of his guild feelings he struggled to end it so just made constant actions so she realizes it is over and wil cooperate in a break up. He moved out and about 2 weeks later she said it has no use anymore and so she is ok with divorce. He felt very relieved and in peace and we finally started to speed thins up in our relationship only now he got to hear his father is terminally ill and it is very hard for him to cope with. Last week was everything perfect he had a clear vision what he wants and we made plans for this weekend together. Only i started to feel something is up, he is very drained exhausted and getting colder so I panicked again. He sais that he has an enrmous chaos in his head and know nothing anymore and don't understand himself anymore. He doesn't understand why he feels like this but is very sad about failure of his marriage and it causes him a lot of stress now. He didn't expect it and tels me that our timing is very difficult that we did underestimated this. I know he loves me very much we had this situation already that it seems like he is doubting everything and cant even tell me if he loves me and then he comes back and everything is like it was. This time it is the most intensive so far and Im really worried I will loose him. Im searching for reassurance but he is in the state of mind now that he can't give me any clear answers on anything.


Hello janas, I'm sorry you're going through this.

In Areevay's case I get the feeling she's not well suited for dating someone very introverted like typical INFJs if she really finds hot / cold phases too painful or inconsistent, because they will inevitably happen if there aren't breaks for alone time. If you always view a break as a sign of rejection then you're always going to get hurt and that probably isn't what the INFJ intends for either.
Otherwise, she'd have to be able to learn to take a step back from the lovey dovey stuff for a bit and be independent. Clinginess when they are in the cold state might make them view the relationship as a burden and want to escape further. You have to have a certain mindset that's capable of being dynamic about this sort of thing, when you both go into a dark tunnel and aren't able to see eachother clearly, you have to be confident that there will be an end to it in due time and you'll able to see eachother again in the warmth of the sun.
So perhaps it's worth asking, is the warmth worth going through the occasional cold for?

In your case it sounds like he's going through a bad time with his dad's terminal sickness and maybe other things piling up in his mind. I would say comfort him but let him have some time to himself mostly. He can't give clear answers when his emotions are either numbed out or erratic, or his mind is in chaos. These cold phases though are really nothing to fear because they are temporary. They won't last forever.
The worst response to it is to freak out because it will only add more chaos to his mind and make him feel worse for upsetting you, which is counter-productive if you want him out of it. He might view any sense of urgency from you as being clingy or having too much emotional dependence on him and he'll want to isolate further. If you want to be around him while he's in these phases, the best thing to do is to remain calm, comforting but not too intrusive, maybe focus on other things while you both chill out. I don't know how long a cold period will last for, it depends on what's going on. Usually I'm back to regular after a day. I don't feel cold for too long, I want to go back to the warmth if its still there.

I don't know how you want to progress with your relationship with him but my general advice if you want to keep it healthy is: don't worry so much about these cold phases, especially don't panic or freak out because of it because that will make things worse. Just trust that he will come out of it in time. If this is really not something you can handle then you two may have to just go your separate ways. I hope things improve for you guys though.


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## cosmoetic (Mar 24, 2020)

Us INFJs need solitude, time to recharge our batteries and time to reflect on the outside forces. INFJ idealism also doesn't help, INFJs tend to idealize our partner so well but the minute it feels like they don't do this or do that, the INFJ might become hot and cold as you mentioned.


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## Annaria (Mar 11, 2021)

Welcome to the INFJ world, strange even to ourselves. That he needs space - even a few days at a time - doesn't mean that he doesn't love you. When he wants quality time with you, he wants to make it meaningful. And during his recharging time he can live on those happy times while he plans some more and makes it as intimate as possible... or possibly overanalyzes what he might have done wrong.


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