# ENFP & Enneagram Type 6, wanting a better relationship with her INTJ sister



## Draggle (Jul 7, 2011)

Growing up, we were abused by our mother and frankly I got the worse of it for being the older sister, "retarded", and wearing my heart on my sleeve more. 

We are grown and free now. My sister grew to think of me as retarded as well. She has flat-out told me, "I know you'd care about me and my problems if I were in your shoes, but I just don't care!" (Please don't think I'm stereotyping INTJs. That isn't what I'm doing in the least. My sister tests as an INTJ and my sister just so happens to come across as a jerk.)

She has been suicidal at points, though she hasn't been in years or so I dearly hope. In a suicidal goodbye note to me, she ended with, "I'm sorry we couldn't have been close. I know you wanted to be."

She sees me as a ditz, as purposefully annoying, as incapable, as a slut, and as not fully human. I heard a way to become closer to an INTJ is to demonstrate competence. I have no idea how to do that in her eyes. My main skill is working with children, which is something she can technically also do though it doesn't interest her, so she isn't impressed. It's pretty much impossible to demonstrate competence toward someone who was raised to think you had nothing in your head. =(

We have our moments of getting along, but she'll switch to pushing me away and/or making me look stupid in front of other people at the drop of a hat. Going against stereotypes for both our personalities, she is the more socially aware. I am simply the more social.


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## strawberryLola (Sep 19, 2010)

Draggle said:


> Growing up, we were abused by our mother and frankly I got the worse of it for being the older sister, "retarded", and wearing my heart on my sleeve more.
> 
> We are grown and free now. My sister grew to think of me as retarded as well. She has flat-out told me, "I know you'd care about me and my problems if I were in your shoes, but I just don't care!" (Please don't think I'm stereotyping INTJs. That isn't what I'm doing in the least. My sister tests as an INTJ and my sister just so happens to come across as a jerk.)
> 
> ...


Your sister seems to be projecting her own potential deficits onto you.

When she puts you down in front of others, a part of it seems as though (my feeling) is that she resents certain aspects in you in which she does not feel in herself. 

Her suicidal tendencies seems to suggest her own depression- anger about something that's caused really deep despair.

Whenever she tries to feed her poison onto you, deflect it. You don't have to take it. You just let her know that it doesn't affect you. I am not saying to be a healing doctor or anything- but you know how they say sometimes, it's easier to be the bigger person, because you can walk away feeling you did your best and that's all that matters. Because her sadness does not own or define you. In time, your energy may rub off on her. When people are depressed they can get really negative and say things they may or may not mean, but it stems from hurt.

Have you ever read or heard of the book "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz- best therapeutic book I ever read! Check it out sometime. And no, you apparently are not a ditz. A true ditz (or in her words developmentally disabled) would not be able to coherently write up a post as you did. Your sis is wrong on that. A better relationship will take time and unconditional love and understanding for your relationship. It may take her a while to wake up from her depression; in the meantime you take good care of yourself as well!


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## 22857 (May 31, 2011)

You've got to be softer than she is hard. 
Do not try to become harder than her; fighting fire with fire is not the answer.
If you want to show competence, you need only look for it in your true goal. 
Just realize where she is, who she is. Once you do that, your competence will be in helping her.

It's a slow and steady thing.


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