# What's your enneagram and what's your "apology language"?



## Paradigm (Feb 16, 2010)

Nissa Nissa said:


> I think so
> (I broke your vase)
> Genuinely Repenting: I am truly, truly sorry for my error. My vase-breaking days are behind me, and I have learned from this unfortunate incident. I am a new man now
> Making restitutions: Here is a new vase
> [snip]


Hm. I prefer people to learn from their mistakes and try not to do them again, so I guess that makes sense. Your examples are a bit over the top, though, as was the test in general :tongue:


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## piscesfish (Nov 30, 2013)

Just from a brief look at the pdf quiz, I definitely favor expressing regret. That one just seems the most genuinely remorseful to me.


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## Quernus (Dec 8, 2011)

My top one was "Accept Responsibility", followed closely by "Expressing Regret". 

I agree. "For a mate who speaks this apology language, if an apology does not admit fault, it is not worth hearing." This is spot on for me. Largely because I feel like it takes the pressure off of me, if I haven't actually done anything wrong - which is important because I'm already *so* hard on myself and it's exhausting.

If they accept responsibility, and express regret, then I already kind of assume that they will behave differently in the future. Because you can only accept responsibility and express regret so many times before I stop believing you and give up on our bond. (Because how can you possibly understand *why* your actions were wrong, *and* how much it hurt me, but still do it again... unless you don't actually care about me?) 

Also, once someone accepts responsibility - especially if they also express regret - I don't want to like, watch them squirm trying to make it up to me or continuing to beat themselves up. It kinda hurts me to see that, and also, it can start to turn into *me* needing to comfort *them* which defeats the point, and to me feels like kind of a mindf*ck. If I say I forgive you then I forgive you. If I don't, then stop trying to make me. 

Questions like "can you help me not do this in the future" would probably piss me off because like, yeah I wanna help you but why don't you give it a minute to cool down before making me think of how to fix your problems.


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## Quernus (Dec 8, 2011)

Also, it can reaaally depend on who the other person is and what the context is. I want my partner or loved ones to validate the hell out of my feelings, I won't feel like things are okay unless I'm *understood*.

But like, a coworker or manager? I would start to feel kind of uncomfortable if they tried too hard to validate my feelings, that's awkward and I don't likely wanna be too open about my emotions with them anyway... it feels embarrassing. I'd rather they accept responsibility and say they won't do it again and move on. Lol.


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## jamaix (Sep 20, 2013)

8Accept Responsibility7Expressing Regret3Request Forgiveness2Genuinely Repent0Make Restitution


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## meshsock (Feb 17, 2017)

To me this is an ideal apology. I am a 6w7.

I’m sorry I did {offensive behavior}. My reason for doing so at the time was {explanation for behavior}, however I know understand {why you are sorry, what changed your understanding of the situation}. I will make an effort to better in the future by {what will be different next time}. 

At this point, I will often offer a reciprocal apology in order to maintain connection / to soften the satiation and get back to good relations. Explanations are important to me.

I will say that if you want an apology from me, demanding one doesn’t work well as I will likely just get defensive and rebel. If you really want an apology from me, it is way more effective to offer an apology first (even if it’s a small one) for whatever part you might have played in the issue and I will almost always reciprocate with an apology of my own to try and repair the bond. That being said, if I feel particularly guilty about something, I will apologize (profusely even) on my own.

It’s like I have to see that there is a good faith effort to repair the bond before I will let my guard down and negotiate apologies. Hearing someone’s explanation for why they behaved a certain way is also really important to me.


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## Daiz (Jan 4, 2017)

I stopped the quiz after a few questions. None of these apologies are appropriate. They're all so over the top and unnatural, they're obnoxious. 

What I want in an apology is an explanation for your actions. "I'm sorry. I did the bad thing because of X reasons but it wasn't appropriate response to the situation and I should have done X instead." 

And then I respond with something like "That's ok; I behaved badly too. I shouldn't have done/expected X."

And then they say "That's ok" and then we laugh about it and go back to our lives.

EDIT:


meshsock said:


> To me this is an ideal apology. I am a 6w7.
> 
> I’m sorry I did {offensive behavior}. My reason for doing so at the time was {explanation for behavior}, however I know understand {why you are sorry, what changed your understanding of the situation}. I will make an effort to better in the future by {what will be different next time}.
> 
> ...


I didn't even read your post before writing mine but we're the exact same lol. Yes to everything you said.


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## Sonny (Oct 14, 2008)

These two matter; 
*8 Genuinely Repent*
*4 Accept Responsibility*
To me they're about understanding the impact from my point of view and wanting to avoid causing harm in the future. It's important that the other person understands why what they've done has upset me, doesn't seek to minimise my feelings by attempting to excuse their behaviour, and has a genuine desire not to do it again. Someone who learns and grows from mistakes is someone I can trust.

This one is "meh";
*4 Make Restitution*
This is more about scenarios where I don't really care, it's more about social politeness, ie waiter spills food on me, I consider offering to clean/replace polite and appreciate the gesture however I'm unlikely to take them up on it, it was a mistake, acknowledge the inconvenience and move on.

These two annoy me;
*3 Expressing Regret*
*1 Requesting Forgiveness*
To me, these ones are about the other person wanting to feel better and come across as emotionally manipulative. In the wrong scenario, expressing regret can piss me off more than any, it's an inward focus by the other person and can turn into an exercise where they're drawing sympathies because they seem emotionally upset about what they've done, however, because it's all about "I messed up" or even, "Woe is me, I'm a bad person" which would often draw an affirmation of "you're not a bad person", no responsibility need be taken and no behaviour need be changed. They become the "victim".

Requesting forgiveness is something I view as unnecessary, don't ask me to forgive you, show me you know what you did wrong and don't do it again.




owlet said:


> I guess it works because mostly I just want to know the person understood exactly why I was upset/annoyed and they honestly didn't want to do it again. It's worthless if someone just says sorry and doesn't understand the issue, or worse, says sorry then does the same things (or similar things) again.


+1


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## Moo Rice (Apr 9, 2018)

7	Accept Responsibility
5	Genuinely Repent
3	Expressing Regret
3	Request Forgiveness
2	Make Restitution


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## 74893H (Dec 27, 2017)

I'm a 9w1, bearing in mind I'm nearly falling asleep while answering the questions (and the questions are pretty leading anyway):


9	Expressing Regret
7	Accept Responsibility
2	Make Restitution
1	Genuinely Repent
1	Request Forgiveness


The examples in the quiz all seem fake as hell though. I wouldn't forgive anyone who said any of those.

And now is bedtime.


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## Nokoiyuh (May 18, 2015)

9	Expressing Regret
7	Accept Responsibility
3	Genuinely Repent
1	Request Forgiveness
0	Make Restitution


Really interesting test. I think in a lot of these scenarios, it was someone important to you who is making the error. In that sort of case, what's done is done and I don't really see a point of trying to fix it, just move on. The intention is typically what matter to be the most with people important to me, just showing me that they understand what went wrong and how to grow and move forward from it. I get annoyed at people who are too fussy to try to undo things, actually


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## NeonMidget (Aug 7, 2017)

9	Expressing Regret
4	Make Restitution
4	Genuinely Repent
3	Accept Responsibility
0	Request Forgiveness

I'm INTJ and think I scored high for Expressing Regret because I see this as action to correct their behavior and prevent this or other bad actions to happen in future, more so than the others. :02.47-tranquillity:


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## Coburn (Sep 3, 2010)

10 - Accept Responsibility
5 - Express Regret

It's how I do apologies and how I prefer them.


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## lolthevoidlol (May 19, 2011)

Your Scores
5Accept Responsibility5Expressing Regret4Make Restitution4Genuinely Repent2Request Forgiveness


I deeply dislike being asked for forgiveness, and when a person says they feel bad about something they did I'm very sensitive to any indication that what they're doing is asking to be made to feel better rather than expressing motivation to avoid the mistake in the future. What I really want is to know that they understand what went wrong and how to avoid it in the future and that they're motivated to do so. And actions are needed to follow up words.


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## amongfirstslugs (Jun 23, 2012)

Ok I feel like I've done this one before but I don't see the green icon. 


Anyway...I'm a 4w5 and:



7Accept Responsibility6Expressing Regret5Make Restitution2Genuinely Repent0Request Forgiveness

Requesting forgiveness: just leads to me feeling like the person mostly cares about themselves and I'm being asked to do emotional labor on top of already being hurt. This could feel devaluing and like they don't view the relationship as equitable.

Accept responsibility/Express regret: Definitely makes me feel most valued and safe in intimate relationships. They seem to complement each other. 

Make restitution: I answered like this for professional relationship questions...or if someone's kid broke my shit.


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## knifey (Jun 25, 2017)

Honestly anything less than the "Genuinely Repentant" version just sounds like making excuses/hollow-grovelling and I refuse to believe an apology has taken place.


edit:
Accept responsibility. Right... I don't need you to convince me, that you know you did something wrong. I already know, it's obvious to anybody with sense.

Expressing regret. Of course you regret it, you've been proven to be wrong/act badly. Anybody regrets what they did that's wrong, it comes from shame. Shame for this thing doesn't mean you won't do it in future.

Making restitution. This doesn't mean you're motivated to not annoy me with your ineptitude in the future, just because you're willing to clean up your own mess.

Request Forgiveness. So basically you want me to say "you're forgiven" and then let you off the hook, giving you the opportunity to put me in this situation again because you don't want to learn a lesson.

Which is why I say that genuinely repentant is the only real apology, where somebody admits they did something wrong and tells you what steps they are going to take so it won't happen again. Then I can believe that they actually care. --I possibly think like this because the past has happened, I only care about the future. There's no use crying over spilt milk, just tell me you learned how to stop spilling the milk.


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