# I feel inadequate as a mother to my ISTJ daughter...help?



## YoAni (Jan 3, 2013)

So I have an 8 year old daughter who is highly intelligent, very mentally organized, and quite responsible. I feel bad for her because I'm sooo not organized, it's hard for her. (I think it shows in my profile, but I'm an ISFP) or example, she'll ask me to wash a particular outfit she wants to wear the next day, and I'll say "yeah I'll wash that tonight after you go to bed" then as soon as she's in bed I completely forget and in the morning she's really upset.  I can walk from one room to the other and stop and say "wait, why did I come here?" and she reminds me. How does someone develop organizational skills???? :frustrating:


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## Razare (Apr 21, 2009)

You make lists, written down, and use them... keep them in a pocket or something and check them off when you have a free moment.

It's hard to make an ISTJ happy, though... I mean, it's probably a reoccurring theme their entire lives. I think they expect too much from others when it relates to the environment... though, it's hard to take this position with a child.

In the end, they depend on those they can, and don't depend on those that they can't... sadly, dependability is not something everyone has voluntary control over. More often than not, they end up depending on themselves, and I have a hunch that's what you're daughter will do more and more as she grows.

As an ISFP, I think the most important thing you can do for your daughter is share your love... ISFP's tend to stash their feelings away in Fi, and it can take some prying to get the stronger/deeper sentiments out. Even if you can't be the most reliable mother, you can be the most loving one.... and I'm sure you are, and you probably already do what I'm saying. Just, think of that as your strong-suit even if it's not necessarily appreciated as much as having a structured environment.

I would also start working with her, so she can take responsibility for her things and aspects of her life when she's able. As opposed to having household arguments over laundry not being done when she is say, 12 or 14... fold it into her responsibility in the household. ISTJ's don't like to be controlled, but if you frame it differently... they're not being coerced into doing this, they're taking responsibility and being more mature, I think generally, they prefer that approach.

Most ISTJ's I know, aren't adverse to work that they're capable of doing. As adults, from what I've seen, some manner of work is their favorite thing to do... maybe they don't even see it as work? It just looks that way to the rest of us.

Those are some ideas.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

YoAni said:


> So I have an 8 year old daughter who is highly intelligent, very mentally organized, and quite responsible. I feel bad for her because I'm sooo not organized, it's hard for her. (I think it shows in my profile, but I'm an ISFP) or example, she'll ask me to wash a particular outfit she wants to wear the next day, and I'll say "yeah I'll wash that tonight after you go to bed" then as soon as she's in bed I completely forget and in the morning she's really upset.  I can walk from one room to the other and stop and say "wait, why did I come here?" and she reminds me. How does someone develop organizational skills???? :frustrating:


Have you ever been evaluated for ADHD?


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## YoAni (Jan 3, 2013)

Razare said:


> You make lists, written down, and use them... keep them in a pocket or something and check them off when you have a free moment.[/QHOTE]
> 
> I need to do this! Whenever I do the lists thing it does help, thank you for reminding me!
> 
> ...


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## YoAni (Jan 3, 2013)

No, but I'm sure I have it, I don't want to "go down that road" though. I'm probably worse these days than usual because I don't get enough sleep and I eat too much candy and chocolate. All that sugar and lack of sleep exacerbates the situation.


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## YoAni (Jan 3, 2013)

tanstaafl28 said:


> Have you ever been evaluated for ADHD?


..... Maybe I really should get evaluated. ....


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## Aslynn (Jun 2, 2012)

My mother's an ISTJ - I know how difficult that can be. I think, fundamentally, ISTJs (at least the ones I know) have difficulty expressing their own feelings or telling others what they need to feel loved. Instead, they use their detailed plans, organizational methods, and high expectations to 'test' how others feel about them, so that fulfilling all their requests can show that you care, while forgetting or refusing is tantamount to rejection.
As for developing organizational skills, you might try using a planner, so that you can list the day's activities and map them out in relation to the week/month/year. It's a good way to sort through your goals and prioritize what you need to do to achieve them.


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## shefa (Aug 23, 2012)

My mother is an ISFP with a similar struggle. This situation is all too familiar for me! I think it's wonderful that you're able to recognize you and your daughter's differences and take responsibility for your actions. Your daughter also has a responsibility though- to be patient and understanding, which she'll be able to fulfill more as she matures.


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## FlightsOfFancy (Dec 30, 2012)

I'm sorry; I don't mean to be rude, but at 8 years of age is personality even formed enough to make notice of type? I thought aux processes developed moreso in the pre-teens/teens? The "portrait of an INJ" child only made mention of the Ni presence, the judgment function isn't there yet. Is this different for ISJ children, or am I misunderstanding?


Are you a single parent? Do you by chance have a husband/boyfriend with more organizational skills that can help you? Don't feel inadequate (at least as a whole); it seems like fairly trivial things in the lot of parenting. Love/encouraging development are far more important , and even with your lack of organizational skills (or at least what you've related here), you can be a fantastic mother. She might LOL @ your disorganization when she gets older however :laughing:


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## YoAni (Jan 3, 2013)

I know she's young but her being an ISTJ is so clear in every aspect of her personality, that I don't doubt it at all. My husband is an INTP. He's constantly trying to get me to sync my phone with a family google calendar with my work outlook or something, but I don't think that'll help much.

The specific things may be trivial but it's the overall feeling of letting her down that upsets me.


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## Mendi the ISFJ (Jul 28, 2011)

get a dry erase board, when she asks a favor of you or you need to remember something write it down... make sure the board is somwhere you will see... like by your bed or the door. I sometimes take a dry erase marker and write on the bathroom mirror. That way even if your brain cant hold all the things you need to remember and also let you daydream... you can read that and be reminded. good luck!


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## SuperNova85 (Feb 21, 2011)

It sounds to me that you're a wonderful mother who wants the best for your daughter. First of, let me just say that if you're not an SJ yourself, it's pretty hard _for anyone_ to make an STJ happy, but if your going to try to "make" others happy, you have to be happy and love yourself _first_. Focus on your strengths and your weaknesses will start to fade. 
A previous poster mentioned ADHD as a possible catalyst for your forgetfulness, and I would agree that the way you described your working memory problems sounds like a classic case of it. Rather or not you want to get diagnosed is up to you, but don't decide against it in fear of medication; if you take it wisely, it won't hurt you.
Don't be hard on yourself, it sounds like you have so much to offer her.


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## yesiknowbut (Oct 25, 2009)

I don't think ADHD equates to absent-mindedness, necessarily. Speaking as an absent-minded human being, that is.....

I have found organising my life in the home MUCH easier since I discovered the FLY lady. This is about cleaning really, but certainly helps you keep on top of the washing and also embedding certain routines at different points in the day so that you don't forget stuff. You might find it helpful, and also supportive:

FlyLady.net

As for your very organised daughter, well, you're lucky in a way! My ENFP daughter cried last night because I called her a slob. Kindly, you know, but I did. I was saying good night to her at the time time while picking up her clothes, and while sniffling in the bed she felt underneath herself for something...and pulled out a coathanger. Which she had left in her bed and got in on top of. And then I checked under the duvet and found a dirty pair of socks and a towel (slightly damp). We both ended up laughing.

I think I'd struggle with an ISTJ child too though....being an ENTP, ISTJs usually think I am weird and lazy.


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## Mendi the ISFJ (Jul 28, 2011)

alfreda said:


> ISTJs usually think I am weird and lazy.


maybe they think everyone is...:/


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## YoAni (Jan 3, 2013)

Mendi the ISFJ said:


> get a dry erase board, when she asks a favor of you or you need to remember something write it down... make sure the board is somwhere you will see... like by your bed or the door. I sometimes take a dry erase marker and write on the bathroom mirror. That way even if your brain cant hold all the things you need to remember and also let you daydream... you can read that and be reminded. good luck!


I love it! Thanks!


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