# Are people worth the risk of pain and loss?



## rosesandgold (Jun 12, 2015)

It is something I have been wondering about. I don't know if I should isolate myself from people or engage with them. 

Two years ago I have felt such a deep amount of pain and grief and despair over cutting ties with someone, it was such a darkness I had been in and ever since I just have gotten scared of forming deep attachments to people. 

People have also abandoned me, but I don't know what I would have done either if someone had a psychosis and send weird messages. I had a psychosis twice, scary experience. 

I just don't know if it is worth it, trying to get close to people and losing them and not just cut off from contact but also death.

Is it better to just live my life away from people as much as I can because I feel things too intensly? 

I have to say, I never had felt such an amount of emotional pain as I did two years ago and the person did not even hurt me on purpose, but I had hurt over them a lot. It is the kind of pain I would like to avoid. It nearly killed me.

I have no real life friends, by the way. I am grateful for the family I have though.

What do you all think?


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## agojangle (Apr 3, 2021)

Yes bruh although you may go through a lot of pain and struggle I can relate to this on a spiritual level I do have some advice you may or may not find useful.

I have been ditched many times by what I thought (at the time) were my best friends and at that moment I thought I lost everything and I though everything was lost. I wanted to close myself off and create another "tight" group but it kept failing over and over. But I started to think about how if I started to close myself off I would let other people dictate how I am social, and if I just "moved on" like they did, I would feel that I would be no different from them. So I thought of a new approach, I started to think about what led to the moment of me being betrayed and analyzed on why it happened so basically I could avoid these types of people entirely. I started to treat being social as a learning session, sure you might make mistakes here and there also it might hurt. But as time goes on you will become pretty resilient to these types of people and if they even ditch you again you will have known that they were going to way before they ever considered it.

Life is full of great things and you shouldn't let other people dictate how you run things in your life instead of closing yourself off to these things learn from them and improve so you can become a better person and when you look back you'll see how far you come as an individual. We live in a society where people see relationships as a commodity and having a deep relationship or just finding one is difficult or (can be) I know, I just turned 19 and I am starting to see how people are changing and becoming more materialistic and uncaring towards others and even ditching childhood friends for materials. But despite all that, you can find people who are and will have your back when you're down and will be there when times are good.

When bad things happen in life, don't give up, learn from them so that when you see something like that again you will know, keep doing that over and over you'll find yourself winning a lot.


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## Purrfessor (Jul 30, 2013)

I certainly turned off my emotions largely due to this reason. There was risk and reward. Yes I wanted reward but was it worth the risk? Probably not. But sometimes you gotta get lucky so dont lose hope.


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## Celtsincloset (Feb 17, 2014)

@rosesandgold

You need to participate. You're actually making your life harder by isolating yourself from others, because we need to work, we need to express and unfold our own righteous desires, and people are in it.

Why not learn from your mistakes? Reflect on the mistakes of others, so you can move forward? No good person deserves to live a life of wallowing sadness. Your bum's sitting on the passenger seat, and nothing's happening, if you weren't to seek out solutions. And maybe some of these solutions will be found in your own time of reflection, away from people. What is right for you at the moment?


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## Amenochu (Mar 2, 2021)

Leaving someone for the good, is always worth it. Spending time with them doesn't worth the pain honestly. We get attached to alot of people and even if the bond doesn't stay the attachment is really painful to break. There would be so many inconveniences honestly.




Purrfessor said:


> There was risk and reward. Yes I wanted reward but was it worth the risk? Probably not.


Basically this


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## Summer70 (Feb 27, 2021)

To me, it's a big YES, people are worth the risk of pain and loss.

Losing people's like losing an arm, in a worse version. It's painful and it has huge consequences on your life. If I lost my arms, I might be used to live with no arms after a while. I might even think it's convenient to not have these heavy things. Yet, if I was armless and was asked, do you want your arms to grow back? Even if it means risking to lose them again, to feel the physical and mental pain on them again? You'll feel pain when you bump on objects, cut yourself, and burn your arms. And maybe one day they'll be cut again and you'll feel that tremendous pain again. Do you REALLY want them?

I'd say, yes, fucking give my arms back! I could probably live without arms, but if I had to live with or without, I'd totally choose to live with them.


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

Have you ever heard of DBT? It's a therapy that might help you with your fear of abandonment. There are also online therapists so if you're in lockdown, not to worry.



https://www.mhs-dbt.com/mndbt/


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## islandlight (Aug 13, 2013)

Great question. I'm thinking no, they aren't worth it. Many people seemed to be my friends, but they didn't really care or we drifted apart. Other people broke my heart, or died. 

Some people can look back on such things as "Well it was nice while it lasted," but I can't. It just feels like it was not real and it was a waste of time.

I do have a few good people in my life, but you have to go through too much [email protected] and disappointment just to meet one friend.


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## SouDesuNyan (Sep 8, 2015)

I think it's a good idea to be self sufficient. It's also a good idea to keep some distance, both physically and psychologically, from others. You don't want to depend on others to be happy, and you don't want others to depend on you to be happy. Life is challenging enough, so it makes sense to keep everything simple and lightweight.


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## Allostasis (Feb 2, 2021)

Causes behind "psychosis" thing have to be resolved first.
Or whatever it was that ruined previous relationships from your side specifically. 

Afterwards, instead of complete isolation or attachment consider more gradual and careful development of connections, without making baseless expectations.


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## Inkling considered INFJ (May 20, 2016)

I am asking myself the same thing I can relate sooo much! I have lost special relationships for me too and losing them is such a big pain which I never want to feel again. Being an INFJ makes this thing hard as well because the most people don't share the value they put on relationships as you do and that hurts a lot. I am pretty much a loner and I try to get being cool with just myself (by writing, drawing, playing video games), it is a hard progress.


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## Electra (Oct 24, 2014)

What you wrote about being psychotic...hopefully your friends should know that those messeges doesn't really count because psychosis made you psychotic...and you are not your psychosis...that would be like for a person being drugged on narcotics by strangers and then still secretly finding a way to writing text messeges to people, and later when free again; loosing friends due to those text messeges...you can't help a psychosis or learn not to do it again; and you most sertainly can't control it, except from with meds 💝🤗 Friends should understand this but unfortunetly there is a lot of bias and ignorance out there still...


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## Worriedfunction (Jun 2, 2011)

This is a tough one.

I think you either give up or become lucky and find that person where there is mutual and consistent enjoyment in each other's company, or power through and become a kind of relationship sociopath, moving from person to person, learning how to pleasure but never how to love.

And most people end up being the latter due to the pressures on one's reputation to be in a relationship.


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## Behnam Agahi (Oct 27, 2020)

Depends. Engage with people but don't make any subjective feelings or at least try not to.
If you can't and feel that something will bother you soon, let go of the past and move on.
That doesn't mean building up a wall. Let people come to you and let them make the decisions instead of you.
From my own experience if you are a "passive" and "let go" person, by trying to decide on some feelings, people will suddenly change and look bad at you.
And for the last part always remember your actions and theirs. As I suggested, this is no longer a land of feelings so you must decide logically whether you've been given enough for your actions or you must demand more.
And always remember that a relation of any kind doesn't necessarily mean feelings. I made these kinds of mistakes for some time and I regret them the most if I want to be honest.
I was tired of the hook up culture, having one night relations which end by sex and blah blah blah, so I looked desperately for romance in the wrong place and regretted it dearly. By a high percentage of chance romance will come to you if it ever comes (I mean don't force yourself to find it). You won't decide it yourself. And it might be one of those so many people whom you didn't like and possibly rejected them.


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## ENTJudgement (Oct 6, 2013)

rosesandgold said:


> It is something I have been wondering about. I don't know if I should isolate myself from people or engage with them.
> 
> Two years ago I have felt such a deep amount of pain and grief and despair over cutting ties with someone, it was such a darkness I had been in and ever since I just have gotten scared of forming deep attachments to people.
> 
> ...


If you felt that strongly about losing someone then it tells me you obviously can't live without people/deep connections. Those who can actually truly isolate themselves from others are the ones who won't care that much when someone close to them dies and can easily move on.

It sounds like to me you're just emotionally weak but a few heart breaks will make you strong enough to not need to ask this question coz after each heart break, the next ones hurts less and less.


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## justrainthoughts (Apr 21, 2020)

I think everybody's worth knowing, but not everybody is worth keeping. Do I have real friends as now? Just one, and I don't really talk to her that much (though I love her, I love my space also). Do I still need relationships? Sure, human beings are social. So what I try to do is, just have meaningless conversations with as many people as I can. Not the "how are you?" type, but telling lighthearted stories, jokes, or giving tips on how to take care of my hair for example (curly girls love talking about hair lol). Does it fill the void of a truly meaningful relationship? No, but at least I get some fun times with people without the drama, and I don't have to worry when these people are no longer in my life. 

I've tried many times to have a "group of friends", tolerating and accepting things that I didn't feel comfortable with just to "be with somebody". And, regardless of what I did, people left. People always leave, because our paths separate. And rather than trying to keep relationships, or to hold on to the pain of loss, your best bet is just to accept that fact.

I'm sorry for everything you're experiencing, and I deeply relate to what you're feeling right now.


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## BenevolentBitterBleeding (Mar 16, 2015)

No, they're not. Until meet ones that are...


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## rosesandgold (Jun 12, 2015)

ENTJudgement said:


> If you felt that strongly about losing someone then it tells me you obviously can't live without people/deep connections. Those who can actually truly isolate themselves from others are the ones who won't care that much when someone close to them dies and can easily move on.
> 
> It sounds like to me you're just emotionally weak but a few heart breaks will make you strong enough to not need to ask this question coz after each heart break, the next ones hurts less and less.


Do you think I am emotionally weak? That is rather harsh. I had been emotionally strong though before my intense heartbreak 2 years ago. He did not die, we cut off contact for a few reasons. It just ended up hurting me so deeply, I never felt such a darkness before. I don't know if that means I can not live without deep connections and need them, maybe I can train myself to not need them.
I never have been in a relationship, so I guess I did not have my heart broken much. It was just very hard to let go off him when I wanted to keep him in life, but couldn't.




Electra said:


> What you wrote about being psychotic...hopefully your friends should know that those messeges doesn't really count because psychosis made you psychotic...and you are not your psychosis...that would be like for a person being drugged on narcotics by strangers and then still secretly finding a way to writing text messeges to people, and later when free again; loosing friends due to those text messeges...you can't help a psychosis or learn not to do it again; and you most sertainly can't control it, except from with meds 💝🤗 Friends should understand this but unfortunetly there is a lot of bias and ignorance out there still...


Thanks for understanding. Yeah, I was not in control and I did not mean to send those messages during psychosis, normally I wouldn't have done it.

But I got so many answers here! I suppose people do have different experiences and will give different answers. 

It i just, knowing how now how much of an intense pain I can feel.. I just don't feel strong enough to cope with much.


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## ENTJudgement (Oct 6, 2013)

rosesandgold said:


> Do you think I am emotionally weak? That is rather harsh. I had been emotionally strong though before my intense heartbreak 2 years ago. He did not die, we cut off contact for a few reasons. It just ended up hurting me so deeply, I never felt such a darkness before. I don't know if that means I can not live without deep connections and need them, maybe I can train myself to not need them.
> I never have been in a relationship, so I guess I did not have my heart broken much. It was just very hard to let go off him when I wanted to keep him in life, but couldn't.


The way you speak and from the data you've given me, you are definitely emotionally weak, not saying it's bad, it is what it is.
I've had my share of heartbreak too, first one always hurts the deepest and the best one is always the one thats stuck in your mind but time will heal you and each subsequent blow will hurt less and less so don't do anything stupid like isolate yourself just coz you're scared to get hurt, thats the very definition of being a coward and weak. 

Furthermore, by isolating yourself you fall deeper into depression, you're definitely the type that wants close connections with people not self isolate and die alone. People like my Grandma that doesn't mind dying alone and legitimately doesn't need anyone and can self isolate without any issues wouldn't even shed a tear when her husband of 50years had passed.


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## Electra (Oct 24, 2014)

rosesandgold said:


> Do you think I am emotionally weak? That is rather harsh. I had been emotionally strong though before my intense heartbreak 2 years ago. He did not die, we cut off contact for a few reasons. It just ended up hurting me so deeply, I never felt such a darkness before. I don't know if that means I can not live without deep connections and need them, maybe I can train myself to not need them.
> I never have been in a relationship, so I guess I did not have my heart broken much. It was just very hard to let go off him when I wanted to keep him in life, but couldn't.
> 
> 
> ...


I know because I have a close family member with bipolar 1.


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## Vexus (Mar 23, 2020)

I'm in a similar situation. I understand your perspective.



ENTJudgement said:


> It sounds like to me you're just emotionally weak but a few heart breaks will make you strong enough to not need to ask this question coz after each heart break, the next ones hurts less and less.


This is true. Though, this exact known outcome of experiencing "a few heart breaks" resulting in less emotional attachment is the scary part. The thought of the emotional connection getting weaker and weaker to the point where you don't really care if someone is there or not or if they leave or whatever, or that if they leave the recovery is quick (indicating the connection wasn't strong)... that's worse than waiting alone. It's like watching your soul die, giving into that option. A kind of dread I have is if I ever went down that easy path and ended up having a relationship with someone just to have a relationship after so many heart breaks where I became close to numb to caring what kind of relationship it was.



rosesandgold said:


> Do you think I am emotionally weak?


You are emotionally weak. It's not harsh. Own it. You need someone else to feel complete. I feel the same way, and I admit I am emotionally weak. In some of my earliest posts I point this out about myself. I accept it. Romeo and Juliet were emotionally weak; they'd kill themselves over lost love. And that's where I want to be, that's how I want to feel. Being convenient to someone, and them simply being convenient to me, sounds like hell.

What I try to do is work on myself so that should such an opportunity come up, I can say, "Look at all I have done; I've been doing all this with you in mind, before I ever met you." It only slightly helps though. Part of me knows that without a focal point for my energy, it's extremely hard to stay motivated, as the purpose of all my efforts isn't immediately in front of me. This is tough, and I just keep working through the ups and downs, trying to stay on the path set in front of me.

You are not alone, though you're the first person I've seen express a similar sentiment as myself in such a way. I don't want to be emotionally strong, because the callouses necessary to get there takes away from what I really want. I only ever wanted one relationship and never another. I know I need one person and no one else, and I thought this was normal and how everyone felt, so when I noticed in my past relationship how this was not reciprocated the same way, I drifted away and eventually left. Some people aren't made this way; I've committed to finding someone made this way, or no one at all. It's not worth the risk of pain and loss, when the other person doesn't feel the same pain and loss. If they did feel the same pain, there would be no separation. They would be as considerate to you, as you are towards them. That's my ideal. Consideration is key.

Something that for me, personally, drastically cuts down on my ability to connect with new people right now, is the fact that so many people are blinded by fear and walk around with face masks on. I've never been afraid of being sick, and do not wear a mask for personal reasons. How can I connect with people who are afraid like that? Where I was isolated before, now it's a thousand fold as I get to see into people before I even look into their eyes. I can get along, talk to people, live how I do... but can I expect this fearful person in front of me will give me back what I'm looking for when they're swayed by fear? Maybe... if I teach them... but it's such a risk. That's my main dilemma right now.


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## Deuce (Feb 16, 2021)

rosesandgold said:


> People have also abandoned me, but I don't know what I would have done either if someone had a psychosis and send weird messages. I had a psychosis twice, scary experience.


That's sad. I've been abandoned for a similar reason (depression in my case) and it can be rather heartbreaking to see people not sticking through.

On whether deep attachment are worth this sort of pain ... Strictly speaking, to me, it's not logical to lose oneself completely for someone whose experience we can't fundamentally step into and who's bound to remain a relative stranger at a very deep level. Also someone whose live we can't live at their place and who can't live ours at our place. Even for wanting depth, It's also clear one can live by creating depth elsewhere, getting submersed into reading, philosophy, art or any such activities and to keep other people more at arm's length for more casual interactions. On the other hand even the darkness of the loss is part of the beauty of life and it has no counterpart anywhere + having those hard experiences makes happiness and joy stronger by contrast. So that's really not emotional weakness for me. I believe being congenially incapable to experience even a more moderate version of this pain would be the real weakness.

I also agree with other posters that the first heartbreak is the most excruciating and the all the reconstruction of your sense of self that you do after the first heartbreak tends to be here to stay at least a bit, precisely because it was so hard to reconstruct. 

(Tangential but for me, there was something worse to lose a love fantasy when I was young and for which I had engaged all my imagination than losing a very settled relationship with all the more sobering considerations, grey areas and practical aspects it has. What was horrible with losing all the strong addictive fantasy or being dumped after a week of relationship (and thus having no time to even gauge all the possibilities of the relationships) is that it maimed my imagination at its core whereas getting dumped into real long term relationship, it happened after I could agree with the other person that it was not rosy so the sense of loss was really mostly about losing the familiarity and confort of the relationship.)


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

rosesandgold said:


> It is something I have been wondering about. I don't know if I should isolate myself from people or engage with them.
> 
> Two years ago I have felt such a deep amount of pain and grief and despair over cutting ties with someone, it was such a darkness I had been in and ever since I just have gotten scared of forming deep attachments to people.
> 
> ...


That's the question everyone has to answer themselves. I remember a time when there was this great big hole in the center of me where another human being used to be and the loss of it was so tragic and painful I thought I'd die from the loss. Several times after the revelation came that she no longer wanted to be married to me, I lost all strength in my legs and fell to my knees in agony. I had so many times felt abandoned in my life that it took me years to accept her into my heart. I trusted her with my life. I would have given my life to save hers. 

When I finally found out (on 2/14/15 of all days) I felt so utterly bereft and betrayed that I couldn't eat or drink for several days. I had never felt so completely and utterly alone in all my life. I had moved halfway around the country for this woman and all my family were 2,800 miles away. I had some friends, and they rallied to my side and helped me as best they could. After a month or so at a friend's house around the corner from my old one, I had to find my own place, so I lived in a dingy furnished 1 bedroom studio apartment for the next 18 months (It was basically a motel room with a kitchenette) a far cry from the 4 bedroom house with an inground pool that had been my home for the last 14 years. I spent 20 years with the same woman, (my best friend, my loyal companion, my One True Love) and she quit our marriage about 8 months before she bothered to tell me. Believe it or not, I'm still friends with her. I just don't know how to let go.

I've not been able to find/create the same sort of connection with another woman since (she's been with 4 men since we divorced 6 years ago). I've not tried terribly hard, dated/fooled around a little bit, and I did have legitimate self-preservation issues that needed solving, but I'm rather tired of being alone now. I have a very small circle of friends and the pandemic cut me off from them. I've been on my own for most of the last year and I _really_ hate going to bed/waking up alone after years of having the privilege of waking up next to someone I love.

I have to recognize this point: I may find someone. I may not. I have to find a way to make peace with whichever turns out to be the case. I feel so cheated out of companionship right now I ache, but I do have some friends who have made the pain a little more bearable, quite a few of them are on here. Some are IRL. I don't know. Maybe I'm done. We shall find out.


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## Vexus (Mar 23, 2020)

tanstaafl28 said:


> I've not been able to find/create the same sort of connection with another woman since (she's been with 4 men since we divorced 6 years ago).


Painful experience. I can relate. I wrote more but deleted it. There's no real expressing the damage that was done, and it seems no one really understands it unless they've been there. The main thing I wanted to convey is that men and women see relationships so much differently; it's not a bad thing, but, it has to be considered, and I didn't know until I got hurt from it. Pouring your life, your essence, into creating a great life for you two, and then... it's not reciprocated. Brutal. 6 years and still recovering. The life you built seems to not have meant anything to her. That's part of the difference... the perspective on all of it... You wonder if it's worth pouring your essence into building another life, if the same outcome is even a possibility.

It brings into reason how some religions work, like Catholics and their strict divorce policy. Even if things go wrong you're still... there... forced together in a way... because then both must maintain the life that was built. So many things like that from different cultures and religions make sense to me now that didn't before.


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## Kelly Kapowski (Apr 26, 2018)

This is a good question. Depending on the day, my answer will change. Best wishes!


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## rhiae (Mar 24, 2021)

I guess it really depends.

How I think of it is that you'll meet many different types of people, but don't let one affect your life. I don't know the exact situation your old friend and you had, but their just one person. As I said earlier, you'll meet many different type of people that to your surprise may not disappoint you... if you don't let them.

You just have to find the right people to be close with-- it's all in the hands of trust. You have to control the way you feel about others in order to not be disappointed in the end, if that makes sense..


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

As for the thread title question, some are and others aren't. Life's a journey and if you're lucky, you'll find people to connect with but these connections are rarely forever. My real life friends are decades long friendships and even then, I had to unfriend one because I had enough of her disrespecting my non-judgmental friendship boundaries (ESTJ). Considering all I've done for her, being her non-judgmental sounding board through so many breakups (her whining for months on end up to 2 am in the morning) and other issues that *she caused*, never needing anything from her, when I finally needed her non-judgmental support, she bitched at me for the issue being my fault. Can anyone say, a two middle finger salute? I cut her off that day and haven't spoken to her since.


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## ImpossibleHunt (May 30, 2020)

As someone who has moved almost annually growing up (ten times by the time I was 13), and leaving every friend I ever had growing up multiple times. I think that people are generally worth it if you give them the chance.
During my high school years, I tended to keep my distance. I've been invited to movies, parties, hangouts, etc and I usually would turn them down. 
It's not because I felt I was better than anyone else, but I just found myself more comfortable alone. I was used to operating by myself, so that what I opted to do. Not many people know me that well as a result.
But with that being said, human beings aren't meant to be isolated. I'm aware of the importance of remaining connected with people, because they (the good ones at least) push you to be better.

Personally, I don't think it's the right move to isolate yourself. You just need to come up with a plan to improve your situation. 
What are you good at? What do you enjoy doing? How can you apply those talents to help other people? If you pursue that course of action, I'm sure things will improve.
For example, I hope to be going into university after the summer. I'll then teach abroad for a couple of years to broaden my horizons, and then come back and get my Master's degree.
If you can just set a course and stay on it, isolation won't bother you as much.


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## Lunacik (Apr 19, 2014)

You have two options: connect but encounter some difficulties at times or just live in isolation.

Is living in isolation worth it? Are you able to be satisfied with that life?


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## Nannerl (Jan 6, 2021)

No, but if you can't handle the idea of staying alone, then is not even worth asking that.


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## rosesandgold (Jun 12, 2015)

Hexcoder said:


> You have two options: connect but encounter some difficulties at times or just live in isolation.
> 
> Is living in isolation worth it? Are you able to be satisfied with that life?


I don't know. 
Maybe I just need some more time to heal and learn to trust.

But the less new people I meet in real life, the more anxious I get about people and interacting with them. But not all people are dangerous, I must remind myself...


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## yubih (Apr 12, 2021)

In my opinion, it's worth it. I know it's not easy, I myself am going through a phase in which I don't want to meet new people or socialize much at all because a person I considered to be a dear friend of mine just cut me off of his life without a single word. Right now I feel like there will be disappointed everywhere I go and therefore I prefer to keep to myself
But I know that sooner or later I will heal from this and be ready to socialize and look for deep connections again, I just have to give myself time. When I think about all the experiences I've had, even those who ended painfully like this one just now, I realize how much each of them made me grow and change. I try not to forget that through the pain I'm feeling right now, and I'll be able to get back up again at some point
Deep connections are something I really long for in my life. And the deeper the connection is, the higher is the risk of getting hurt. But I'd rather be vulnerable than prevent myself from having something that's so important to me, even if it isn't always easy


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## Sinuous (Jun 18, 2021)

would you choose isolation over relationships/connections? 

I won’t consider “people” as being the valuable thing in the equation.. I’d say it’s the experience, growth.. etc

It’s not easy to avoid negative feelings in some cases but it can be manageable.. 
and Loss is inevitable, anyways.


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## Lunacik (Apr 19, 2014)

Imo if you want the good things in life you're going to have to put in the work to obtain them. In this department that entails getting hurt sometimes. It's rare to find good friends you can keep, it's like mining for gold. Life is far better with them than without though.


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## impulsenine (Oct 18, 2020)

Absolutely!


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## Lunacik (Apr 19, 2014)




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