# Emotionally unstable and immature people



## King_Moonracer (Feb 14, 2012)

My mom has the emotional maturity of an 8 year old. My 16 yr old cousin is a spoiled brat, and she called my mom a "scumbag" a couple of days ago when they were fighting. 

Right now my mom is screaming and crying to my aunt on the phone in the other room, crying because my cousin hurt her feelings and "needs to apologize". She took my cousin being mean to her seriously. My cousin isn't a normal teenager, shes really insecure and fucked up, and belittles people to attempt to control them,and to compensate for past neglect.

But the point is, my mom is emotionally immature and unstable. She literally acts like a child...Im shaking my head and she is sobbing like a 4 year old in the next room. 

She goes in another room because she is scared of me saying anything. I will tell her to not judge people and to not take it seriously, but she does. Sometimes i get annoyed and say something i shouldn't....i guess.

How does one go about dealing with this bullshit? I want to help her, but she is extremely resistant to change. Im a psychology student, but thats it, a student. I dont know anything...I give her advice, i give my dad advice, they dont listen or respect anything i say. 

How can i get through to emotionally immature and unstable people???????????? Its so fucking annoying. Im ENTP.


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## Finagle (Jun 4, 2011)

Are you annoyed because she is immature, or because she is sad?
If it's the former, you wont be able to change her, so learn to live and let live, and buy yourself a good pair of headphone, you wont hear her anymore.


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## Tig (Mar 28, 2012)

What's happening with your mom that the opinion of a 16 year old matters? Is it menopause or does she have low self esteem or feel powerless in her life? I think giving her advice is a bit useless right now because she's not thinking rationally.. maybe just do something nice for her to make her feel better, make her feel loved and not belittled.. There comes a time when everyone has to parent their own parents lol


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## MrJaxon (Apr 17, 2012)

Is she a reader? You could try leaving an open book or a poem somewhere that she can look at alone, though I don't know what kind. Maybe get her to take an Enneagram test if you haven't typed her yet (pretend it's for your psychology studies?) - but I get the sense you have done that already.

Can you talk to your aunt (since your dad won't respect what you say) or some other relative? My own mom used to break down crying and threaten to run away many times. She would turn to her sister for support, or just blow off steam at the casino.

Finally, is there anyone whose opinion your parents do respect?


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## donkeybals (Jan 13, 2011)

Well, she doesn't want to listen to your advice, it sounds like. I'd probably, just let her be, and stay out of her problems. I find it to be a waste of time, to try to convince somebody who doesn't want to listen.


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## King_Moonracer (Feb 14, 2012)

MrJaxon said:


> Is she a reader? You could try leaving an open book or a poem somewhere that she can look at alone, though I don't know what kind. Maybe get her to take an Enneagram test if you haven't typed her yet (pretend it's for your psychology studies?) - but I get the sense you have done that already.
> 
> Can you talk to your aunt (since your dad won't respect what you say) or some other relative? My own mom used to break down crying and threaten to run away many times. She would turn to her sister for support, or just blow off steam at the casino.
> 
> Finally, is there anyone whose opinion your parents do respect?


My parents only respect the news and internet, because those are official! My mom respects anyone who says they believe in God.

I forgot to add. Im quite sure my mom is INFP. She is also very neurotic, but wont accept help. She has something wrong with her though, she has basically told me that she is an advocate for denile. She does not go to the doctor, fearing something is wrong with her, and because there is a 40$ co-pay, and thinks that i am crazy, because im ENTP. She thinks that im going to snap one day and kill someone. This is because i really dont have any friends and am socially anxious. She hears the news anchors say "Anti-social kid goes on killing spree", and since anti-social has 2 meanings, she thinks that i am anti-social, as in anti-social personality disorder, which is the one where your a sociopath.

And my aunt is her identical twin. My aunt is divorced, and lives in more denial than even my mother. My aunt is an alcoholic though. You can just see the mental "shields" ,my aunt puts up, avoiding conflict at all cost, and over-using the "reaction-formation" defense mechanism. Thats why my cousin is fucked up.

The thing that pisses me off though, is that they wont get help, psychologically. My aunt and cousin try a new counselor every month or so, because it "doesnt work". But it doesnt work because they dont give it long enough, and they dont tell the truth to the counselor...I want to go see a family counselor, and ive been saying that for a while now to my family, then the doctor even recommended it, but we wont. My dad says its not what "normal" people do, being the ESTJ fuckhole he is, and my mom backs up my dad with the same argument that we are too normal to need it, though she really doesnt want people knowing about our, problems, and knows that we have problems...my asshole fathers "pursuit of normality" and my mothers constant effort to appeal to people because she doesnt think shes good enough, has led to me developing social anxiety disorder...I'm the odd one out in my family because im into "personal development".


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## MrJaxon (Apr 17, 2012)

Damn, you're obviously under a huge amount of stress. I feel like I don't have a right to make any suggestions, since my own situation is not so extreme.

They won't get help psychologically... judging by what you've said, your family is Christian? If so, does your pastor counsel families (this is a long shot, since your parents want to hide the situation)?

Finagle and donkeybals probably have it right.


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## King_Moonracer (Feb 14, 2012)

MrJaxon said:


> Damn, you're obviously under a huge amount of stress. I feel like I don't have a right to make any suggestions, since my own situation is not so extreme.
> 
> They won't get help psychologically... judging by what you've said, your family is Christian? If so, does your pastor counsel families (this is a long shot, since your parents want to hide the situation)?
> 
> Finagle and donkeybals probably have it right.


My mom knows a pastor, but my dad would laugh in her face, literally. She seems to go to church mainly for/ the social aspects, although she is also very religious. I try to teach her what some of the lessons actually mean, since stuff Jesus says is backed up by psychologists, but she only focuses on the supernatural aspects.

My dads one of those assholes that pretends to know everything.....annoys us that actually DO know everything!!!!! hahah jk


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## Thalassa (Jun 10, 2010)

So your mom is the emotionally unstable person, and you and your cousin are the immature people?


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## napoleon227 (Jan 17, 2010)

King_Moonracer said:


> My mom has the emotional maturity of an 8 year old...
> 
> How does one go about dealing with this bullshit? I want to help her, but she is extremely resistant to change...
> 
> How can i get through to emotionally immature and unstable people???????????? Its so fucking annoying. I'm ENTP.


You can't get through to them - ever. My mom is the same way and she is now 70 and I've been trying for decades. Having had to deal with a number of these people I recognized (unlike some other posters) that your story was merely one example of many, you probably could have written any number of similar stories. It's too bad some people focus on the details of an example instead of the larger problem at hand. Sigh...

Characteristics of emotionally mature people:

they have a greater-than-average sense of self-awareness - they at least make an effort to understand their own behaviour.
they are accountable for their own actions.
they are capable of apologizing.
they are generally responsible and reliable (usually on time, keep their promises and commitments, etc.)
they make an effort to control their emotions instead of allowing their emotions to run roughshod and destroy their relationships like a bull in a China shop.
they try to be fair with others and think of other's feelings and needs as well as their own.

Characteristics of emotionally immature people:

they have little self-awareness and are generally uninterested in looking in the mirror.
they tend to blame anyone or anything but themselves for whatever happens to them.
they engage in projection - if you ever confront these people with their own behaviour they will then accuse YOU of doing those things (and really believe it).
they rarely apologize for anything.
they are often late, they promise many things but rarely or inconsistently deliver
they are emotionally unstable and prone to embarrassing outbursts.
they tend to be very self-centered, expecting more from others than they do from themselves.
they are highly prone to "escapism" - sometimes it's drugs or alcohol, sometimes sugar or television or risky behaviours, but whatever it is, they like to lose themselves in something that helps them hide from harsh reality.

Best way to deal with emotionally immature people is to avoid them as much as possible. It is really difficult to do this when those people are close family, but you will NEVER change them.


Edit: I forgot to add that this has absolutely NO relation to MBTI type.


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## MrJaxon (Apr 17, 2012)

I'd be careful about judging what others have or have not recognized. King_Moonracer had two points: "How does one go about dealing with this bullshit?" and "How can i get through to emotionally immature and unstable people?" If others wanted to address the broader issue (like you've done, based on decades of experience) they can.

But yes, personality type shouldn't factor in as a cause. I only thought that the Enneagram would be helpful as a sort of neutral/non-emotional area to connect with each other, open the door to shared self-discovery. Judging by King_Moonracer's note about trying to connect through Christianity, that's now out of the picture.


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## King_Moonracer (Feb 14, 2012)

napoleon227 said:


> You can't get through to them - ever. My mom is the same way and she is now 70 and I've been trying for decades. Having had to deal with a number of these people I recognized (unlike some other posters) that your story was merely one example of many, you probably could have written any number of similar stories. It's too bad some people focus on the details of an example instead of the larger problem at hand. Sigh...
> 
> Characteristics of emotionally mature people:
> 
> ...


Thanks...good post.

And alright. That's what my dad tells me, I can't change her. I guess I'll just find ways to deal with it, and avoid conflict whenever possible, because your right, she won't change.

And ya, based on that list, i can tell that they are both emotionally immature, but my dad is more of a thinking type. When he gets angry, it's really funny actually haha. We will make some kind of roaring noise being unsure on how to respond, but this only happens once in a while.

It's the external locus of control (blaming people, not being able to man up to shit) and the projection that I see the most. It's interesting, both my parents use the same defense mechanisms, but in such different ways.


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## napoleon227 (Jan 17, 2010)

King_Moonracer said:


> It's the external locus of control (blaming people, not being able to man up to shit) and the projection that I see the most. It's interesting, both my parents use the same defense mechanisms, but in such different ways.


Emotional immaturity is so common in adults in some circles that people consider it normal. I suppose that in those cases, it is. When I moved away from the small town I was living in and began to associate with more mature people again, that's when I realized how bad it had been. And I also realized that some of my own behaviour was immature and I grew. Of course, no one is perfect or behaves "maturely" 100% of the time. We are all capable of immature behaviour at times. It's just that some of us realize it at some point and strive to improve while others just double-down and find some justification for it to make themselves feel better.


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## you dont know what luv is (Sep 26, 2012)

This post has INTJ written all over it.


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## VereCreperum (Jan 17, 2013)

I have had run-ins with emotionally unstable people, it's confusing, annoying and difficult to deal with. I found myself in a circle of emotion at one point. I would logically deduct their reasoning and tell them what had to be done for them to solve their issue and every time I solved one, another one would pop up with even more excuses. Dealing with people like that is like playing "Emotional Whack-A-Mole".


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## AriesLilith (Jan 6, 2013)

I guess that they have to mature and solve their own issues by themselves, and by time, although if they are too confronted often or lacks of support from someone, they might only become worse and worse.

My INFJ tactic would be trying to bond with the mother bit by bit, making her feel that you're a listener that can understand why she feels that way and then gradually suggest things that she can do to improve it. Having the other person feel understood is a powerful thing, it allows them to be more receptive instead of defensive.
Also, gaining more information about how she feels and thinks can help you know the better ways to deal with her and guide her.
It's better to do things bit by bit, the gradual change in which the other person realizes things by herself is much better. Trying to challenge her and force her to change right away is not only bad, but you'd just destroy her.


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## My2Cents (Mar 5, 2013)

Ironic; I came across this thread because I was looking for help with my own emotionally immature & unstable mother, and I am serious; she truly is emotionally immature. I can't find much help generally online for this though.
Anyway, being that I am INFP myself, I was surprised to see that temperament described as the problematic mother that you are experiencing, especially with the "crying & screaming", especially screaming is a very foreign behavior to me as my vocal chords have always been weaker than most people I know (I lose my voice after talking for 30 minutes straight. I can not yell loud enough for anyone to hear me. I tip-toe around my apartment because the walls are paper thin & I whisper my conversations inside the apt. for the same reasons).
However, I have met a variety of people of this type -INFP- so I don't doubt that some are probably overly emotional or even can be neurotic at times.

I think my own mom was/is possibly ISFJ or sometimes ESTJ (she fluctuates between an emotionally manipulative martyr: "if only my ungrateful children loved me" and an insecure control freak: "Get over here! Stop rolling your eyes or I'll smack you!". No matter which way she goes, it's the worst of both worlds).
My mom is very religious too, but she is of the Fred Phelps Bible-thumping variety.
I personally do not believe in a god myself, or at least I prefer to stick to concrete subjects that we humans know more about.

Anyway, in your case; it really sounds like your mom just needs a good cry sometimes and so she knows she will get her shoulder to cry on if she leans on her sister, who is (probably?) a lot like her. If she knows she can confide in the sis, why not just let her confide?
You say she gets up and leaves the room because she is "afraid" you will say something? So here is my 2 cents then: DON'T.
She wants to be alone to cry. Let her be alone to cry. no need to "fix" her.

My mom would not be giving me any peace. When I say she is "emotionally immature" I mean: for real.
As in, "Why are you such a brat?!?! Why aren't you comforting me? I'm crying you little b*tch! Don't just sit there, get over here and hug me, what's wrong with you?!?!? Oh I forgot you don't love me! After every cotton pickin thing I do for you, you ungrateful little-" - you get the point.

When your mom is in the other room "sobbing like a 4 year old" does that mean she is bawling at the top of her lungs for the whole world to hear? Like mine? Throwing things like a toddler? Like mine? Breaking dishes? Having one of her usual tantrums? Like mine? Kicking the walls like a 4 year old too?
I mean: my mom is like a nightmare straight from hell.

Or is she just crying to herself because your bratty cousin (who will 1 day be just like my mom, no doubt) has hurt her feelings and she needs someone to talk to about it?
It makes sense she would complain to the teen's mother if the girl's behavior is out of line, hurtful, and the girl's mother is her own twin sister, don't you think?
Your cousin was rude. She actually SHOULD apologize. Nothing untrue about that.

Anyway, I don't think counseling makes a family "abnormal" though I would not seek out just a church pastor, but rather, someone with some professional credentials for psychology.
Your mother should want to go with you if you feel it would help the family.
She may be a little imbalanced, especially if this crying she does is excessive & especially if it's common that she cries over an obnoxious 16 yr old (I have worked in a youth shelter w delinquent kids so I am quite used to them myself, but they can be scary for people, esp. NF types, who are not used to them, and yeah: they say all sorts of shit).
If your mom is constantly depressed/emotionally fragile a lot of the time, she may not want the scrutiny.
But if you're just treating her like some basket-case just bc she's a little sensitive, she'll only feel better when you stop that.

Family relationships are very important to INFPs.
We don't want our nieces to call us "scumbags" of course, but we can usually handle it with a little grace, unless it's a constantly recurring thing, or a sign of some deep-rooted resentment that's tearing apart the relationship, which may be the concern that is weighing on her mind.


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## Up and Away (Mar 5, 2011)

Lmao.

This was good comic relief, for some reason.

"Life"

Edit: I mean the original post


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