# Need advice on 13 yr old daughter and death



## Nick Cafiero (Apr 10, 2011)

I was 14 when my best friend died and I always wish I had been thier with her or if I could have just spent a little more time with her before she passed away. I think your daughter should go and see your parents it would be a good experience for her and them and the relationship will be worth more than the grief in my oppinion.


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## Love2Hug (May 28, 2011)

I don't think that the age of 13 is too young, but I would avoid any open casket viewing. My parents always taught me that death is a part of life, and to express my grief. It began when our cats and dogs passed away, which led to painful experiences when my grandparents passed. We always talked about our feelings and never stuffed them away or pretended that the "elephant wasn't in the room." Thank God for the wisdom of these two loving sources of life. I was only 27 when my dad suffered a sudden and lethal heart attack and 44 when my only daughter passed away at age 16. I have thought about my parent's life/death lessons often, and their wisdom has been proven to be priceless... A life-saving lesson for me. In contrast, my husband's family NEVER talks about emotions and they still brush everything "under the rug" if it's unpleasant. A parent that does not encourage emotional expressions, or worse teaches a child to suppress their emotions, does enormous life long damage to their child and future spouse. My husband has not been coping with our daughter's death well at all... He is in a self-destructive mode and falling apart. He has become an angry, mean, stubborn, self-centered and destructive man. He has refused therapy and still believes that pushing away the pain will make it dissolve, rather than obviously eating away at the core of his being. I'm still grieving over the loss of my child, but I'm healing. Now witnessing and also grieving over the slow death of my marriage... A man I've loved since I was a teen. 

I hope and pray that the pain in my life can help others avoid the same sad path. Parents have an enormous responsibility to teach their children how to cope with all the struggles, pain and loss that life tosses at all of us. Allowing a child to become emotionally expressive teaches them to communicate honestly, cope with pain and confirms that a parent loves them which also builds self-esteem. My lessons of love as a child have strengthened me to endure the unimaginable... Thank you mom and dad.


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## Mei (Feb 5, 2011)

I shall skip the judgmental comment about an INFP cannot handle such situations. If anything, I think you will find a lot of INFP can step up to emotional responsibilities from a young age. I certainly did. As did everyone else in my family too. Everybody pulled their weights around. 



jack london said:


> I think my daughter is an INTP and she is very sweet. I am an INTJ and my mom owned a hospice when I was my daughters age so I saw dozens of people die. Only an INTJ could have handled that and not turned into a basket case so that is why I need feedback on this subject because
> 
> 1) I'm not an INTP
> 2) I'm not 13 anymore
> ...


Even when I was a child, I was brought up for a little while by my grandparents. This was great, as I saw them, and knew my roots, and my family history too. So this is a plus for me. I also saw my grandparents in elderly homes too during my summer holidays. And I used to love talking to the different elderlies in that home, cos they like talking to children. It gives them a sense of joy. They have so much stories and wisdom to pass on. I was never scared cos I know what will happen. 

To me, I think it is important for children to see and understand the elderlies, in the whole context of humans. You grow, and you become an adult, and then at some point, you may go to "heaven" or whatever you like to tell your children. To me it is healthy. I also would consider whether to live with my mother too when she is older, as having a grandparent in a child's life allows them to be more respectful to elders, and they also build a kind of relationship too. 

I would advice you to go for it. I would also check to see whether your parents are mobile enough to show your daughter some family history, and allow her to understand the context of your family history... cos in the future, she will question this area. "Who am I, Daddy?" "Do I have granpas and granmas?" I think you can bond quite well by giving her some family facts. i.e. where are your parents from, and when did they get married. How many uncles and aunties she have ?


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