# Dealing with a colleague - my problem or his problem?



## Enxu (Dec 14, 2012)

Hey all,

I'm facing an issue with a colleague at work and hope to get some feedback on what I should do/whether I am wrong.

So there was this guy at work who seemed at the outset to be friendly and reliable. Being the new employee there, I was initially thankful that he was able to help me with an important request. I considered him trustworthy and helpful and thus approached him with issues I think are important. However recently, his failure to get back to me struck a wrong chord with me as I thought he was not sincere in wanting to help me even though he agreed to initially.

The source of conflict was over a training course which the Person-in-Charge (PIC) did not communicate clearly on whether it was open to new employees like me. The doodle registration was sent to all of us, but days after myself and a few other new employees registered on the doodle, our names were removed. I was taken aback so I asked him if the training course was only for seasoned employees (since the names of new employees were removed from the list). He said he wasn't sure why and he can help to check with the Person-in-Charge. I thanked him and expected to hear back from him.

He never got back, instead the PIC sent us again a mass email the next day with a date and time decided (the timing was not what myself and the new employees chose) and went into detail on the things we should prepare and bring. Since as new employee I did not have the necessary software which the PIC asked us to bring along, I honestly thought the email meant that we (new employees) were not allowed to go for the training. Added to that was the fact he didn't get back to me about ANYTHING the PIC told him, so I didn't know what else to assume. I was kind of frustrated cause I thought it was common courtesy to get back to me (even via a short text message) since HE first initiated to help me ask the PIC. But nothing came through.

Just today however, I saw him and appeared aloof (and perhaps a little irritated). He obviously picked that up and became uncomfortable. I was later in a meeting with the PIC and the PIC again mentioned about the training and asked everyone present to come if they could make it. The PIC didn't say it was only for seasoned employees so I had no idea what to think. Tons of thoughts were going through my mind. Did he even ask the PIC or not? Are we allowed to go as new employees? If yes, why didn't he tell me? If no, why couldn't he let me know? 

So I texted him about it after a long day of mulling, asking him if he approached the PIC regarding the training. He replied with a "Oh, did you receive the PIC's email? I saw your email among the others." Uh what? Is that a dodge of my question? I asked him whether he helped to ask the PIC, he didn't even answer that!! So I told him firmly that yes I did receive the email but I wasn't sure if new employees can attend without the necessary software etc. He said he can try to ask employee Y about the software. By that time, I don't even know whether to be happy that he "offered" to help again. I said "thanks" but I don't even know if he is going to repeat the same thing of not getting back to me like he did with the original question I had. The texting became awkward, but eventually I tactfully told him that if he is too busy to ask employee Y, I can approach Y myself. I told him he isn't obliged to help me and asked him not to be pressurised by it. After a few minutes, he texted back saying no worries he will be in office the next day. 

*facepalm* Do you guys think he is sincere in wanting to help me? How should I deal with a colleague like him who doesn't get back to people about things he said he will do? 

Thanks


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## angelfish (Feb 17, 2011)

To answer your thread title, his flakiness is his problem, but your work questions are your problem. 

My suggestion would be to be cordially friendly with your coworker but to essentially ignore his promises and certainly not utilize him as a dependable line of help, as he has nice intentions but terrible followthrough. He sounds like one of those people that like to poise as helpful and knowledgeable but are kind of airheaded and wind up just attending to their own priorities. Just ask your PIC any questions that you have yourself. If your PIC is unavailable certainly there must be a next-in-line designee that you can go to with questions.


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## Enxu (Dec 14, 2012)

angelfish said:


> To answer your thread title, his flakiness is his problem, but your work questions are your problem.
> 
> My suggestion would be to be cordially friendly with your coworker but to essentially ignore his promises and certainly not utilize him as a dependable line of help, as he has nice intentions but terrible followthrough. He sounds like one of those people that like to poise as helpful and knowledgeable but are kind of airheaded and wind up just attending to their own priorities. Just ask your PIC any questions that you have yourself. If your PIC is unavailable certainly there must be a next-in-line designee that you can go to with questions.


Its more to do with the organisational communication structure. There is no clear line of accountability, no clear line of communication and as new employees you essentially don't know WHO you can approach with questions. So the immediate point of contact becomes your source of information and then the communication becomes ineffective and annoying because its always you relying on someone else to get information for you. When there is no followthrough, you are kept in the dark essentially and then the downward spiral continues. That's what got me upset and I acted aloof because of that even though the fault may not entirely be upon the "flaky" employee. Its just a case of lousy communication system. 

I think my candid and honest questions pissed off many of the seasoned employees even though it is natural for new people to be curious and ask questions. It is a blow to my motivation tbh. Heh


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## angelfish (Feb 17, 2011)

Enxu said:


> Its more to do with the organisational communication structure. There is no clear line of accountability, no clear line of communication and as new employees you essentially don't know WHO you can approach with questions. So the immediate point of contact becomes your source of information and then the communication becomes ineffective and annoying because its always you relying on someone else to get information for you. When there is no followthrough, you are kept in the dark essentially and then the downward spiral continues. That's what got me upset and I acted aloof because of that even though the fault may not entirely be upon the "flaky" employee. Its just a case of lousy communication system.
> 
> I think my candid and honest questions pissed off many of the seasoned employees even though it is natural for new people to be curious and ask questions. It is a blow to my motivation tbh. Heh


That's pretty awful, I'm so sorry. I would find that really demotivating too. 

Maybe you can find someone else who's a better help than your other coworker...


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## Enxu (Dec 14, 2012)

angelfish said:


> That's pretty awful, I'm so sorry. I would find that really demotivating too.
> 
> Maybe you can find someone else who's a better help than your other coworker...


Sigh, I can't really put all the blame on him either. He has been going out of his way to help me, perhaps even outside of his job scope. I was just frustrated and felt awkward that there was no followthrough.

I'm still learning to adapt and become more laid-back about things. Hopefully that will ease the tensions while I still do my things with the same level of energy and enthusiasm.


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## angelfish (Feb 17, 2011)

Enxu said:


> Sigh, I can't really put all the blame on him either. He has been going out of his way to help me, perhaps even outside of his job scope. I was just frustrated and felt awkward that there was no followthrough.
> 
> I'm still learning to adapt and become more laid-back about things. Hopefully that will ease the tensions while I still do my things with the same level of energy and enthusiasm.


I hope so!

Also, on the bright side, I can't imagine that you are the only confused one. Without clear information or followthrough, it seems like it would be rather difficult for anyone to hold you practically accountable, either.


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## madoc (Nov 24, 2015)

i think you should talk to new employees. they are on the same boat(situation) as you are. see how they are trying to solve this problem. now you know he is unreliable source of help. try to talk with other employees so you can ask them next time you need information from PIC.


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## Tridentus (Dec 14, 2009)

That guy is being a bit flaky sure, but you're getting yourself too caught up about it.

Things are the way they are, most people have flaws of some kind or another, and in the workplace you're forced to deal with and interact with these people. I doubt he thinks it's a huge deal- since he's so friendly he's probably the type of person who if someone flakes on him, he sees it as no big deal and asks someone else he's friendly with.. Therefore he doesn't understand why you're being so focused about it.

Personally if someone did that to me, I'd put a very small mental note that the person is possibly quite flaky for future reference- but this stuff happens in workplaces. It's just life. Especially going to a new workplace is like going to a new school where everyone has already been going since the beginning- you're meant to be quiet and scope the landscape for a while before slowly integrating yourself. That's normal. I'd highly recommend not acting cold or awkward toward that person, since you need people you're friendly with to get by at work, even more so when you're new.

It's just the way stuff is.


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## Enxu (Dec 14, 2012)

madoc said:


> i think you should talk to new employees. they are on the same boat(situation) as you are. see how they are trying to solve this problem. now you know he is unreliable source of help. try to talk with other employees so you can ask them next time you need information from PIC.


I already know that there is a lot of information gap, even among new employees. Sometimes I try to get information from them too but they also have no idea what is going on.


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## Enxu (Dec 14, 2012)

Tridentus said:


> That guy is being a bit flaky sure, but you're getting yourself too caught up about it.
> 
> Things are the way they are, most people have flaws of some kind or another, and in the workplace you're forced to deal with and interact with these people. I doubt he thinks it's a huge deal- since he's so friendly he's probably the type of person who if someone flakes on him, he sees it as no big deal and asks someone else he's friendly with.. Therefore he doesn't understand why you're being so focused about it.
> 
> ...


I'm being more caught up in it probably because I am slightly interested in him. But even in general, I would still be rather annoyed if a colleague flaked on me like that (but I wouldn't show it on my face). I'm not exaggerating when I say he goes out of his way to help. The questions I have asked him doesn't seem to me to be within his realm of knowledge/job scope, but he had offered to help me check with the right persons every time. I decided to acknowledge that and showed him appreciation today (sort of making up for the awkwardness and discomfort I brought him and assuring that I am not taking his help for granted).

It is primarily a communication style difference. I'm very direct with what I say and expect 100% clarity. Maybe in his perspective the email from the PIC was rather clear in answering my yes/no question. Yet from my perspective the email isn't 100% clear. I try not to ask the same questions to the same person twice, so when he doesn't get back to me, it becomes a stalemate. Then I will start to wonder whether its because I'm asking too much of him, and whether he is annoyed because of that. That's where the awkwardness began. I simply HATE communication breakdowns. 

Good thing is that I think my second attempt at communicating worked and now the misunderstanding has dissipated. Interestingly enough, when I told him he isn't obligated to help me he seemed to be emasculated and felt rejected. The fact that I showed him genuine appreciation for his willingness to help me should have helped to ease any tensions he had about our communication. Now I do know I need to start approaching others and not rely on him alone for information so things should get better.


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## BroNerd (Nov 27, 2010)

Enxu said:


> Hey all,
> 
> I'm facing an issue with a colleague at work and hope to get some feedback on what I should do/whether I am wrong.
> 
> ...


Sounds like he got too busy to help you with your questions. Hopefully you know what's going on at this point of time.


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## BroNerd (Nov 27, 2010)

Double posted by mistake.. Can be deleted


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## Enxu (Dec 14, 2012)

BroNerd said:


> Sounds like he got too busy to help you with your questions. Hopefully you know what's going on at this point of time.


Heh, that was what I couldn't understand. If he was too busy then he could just let me know who I could approach rather than saying that he could ask for me and then leave things hanging. Anyway, I don't think that was the situation. I think he just assumed that the email from PIC would answer my question so he didn't follow up.

I do think he was just too eager to help. He had a good intention but sometimes things just don't work out because there's only so much a person can do. Then when he realised he couldn't help the way I needed and I started seeking help directly from the relevant persons, he felt emasculated/rejected and I'm also put in an awkward position because I do have to approach him before I know WHO has the information I need. :/

The only way I could ease up that awkwardness is to give him the appreciation for his efforts. Fortunately he received it well, hopefully that will ensure we still have good working relationships.


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