# Girlfriend wants to wait till marriage to sex but our relationship has been sexual



## NT the DC (May 31, 2012)

Astrida88 said:


> What's wrong with DANCING with another guy? It's just dancing. I don't know what exactly was what you saw but if it was really just dancing then you clearly overreacted.* Unless it was a dirty dance.*
> When I visited a club I kept dancing with my friends and even random people because it was fun. No sexual/romantic thoughts. Just dancing.


That sums it up.
I am comfortable with my reaction, while your perspective maybe different.
I don't bother with women who would fail to tell me they are going to a club to grind on some dudes.
To make matters worse it was essentially more like a date in my book as the guy was with her and a friend it wasn't some drunken dance with some random dude. She mentioned that he was "just a friend" that she knew, also take into consideration that she had started a flitacious relationship with me and then let me know when she met me - she had a boyfriend.

This song is all you gotta know when a girl says she's just got a friend.


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## Phil (Dec 27, 2010)

NT the DC said:


>


YOUUUUUU~


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## NT the DC (May 31, 2012)

Phil said:


> YOUUUUUU~


GOT WHAT I NEEEEEEED.


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## Phil (Dec 27, 2010)

NT the DC said:


> GOT WHAT I NEEEEEEED.


BUT YOU SAY HE JUST A FREHN


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

Who knows? Only she does.

I've heard of this happening twice. I'll tell you why it happened with the people it did, but everyone's different.

1. Woman decides to wait till marriage after there's been a sexual relationship for years. The woman was ISFJ.
a. Because she wanted to get married and have kids. This had been what she wanted all along and her partner was just dragging his feet and not really pursuing that.
b. Because their relationship had become more platonic in other ways--she felt like he acted more like a brother or a child she had to take care of (not good). 
c. She had cheated on him because she was unhappy, and she did consider cheating more even though the cheater also wasn't an ideal fit for marriage. He never knew about this.
She ended up breaking up with him shortly when she met a man who was more able to fulfill her goals (marriage and kids etc.)

2. Man had sex like a couple times and decided to wait till marriage.
a. As far as I know, it was just because he was super Christian. It's not like he had an ongoing sexual relationship. He just slipped up a couple times with his partner and then they went back to waiting. I think he wanted to make sure they had more compatibility and love for each other than was motivated by sex.
They also broke up later though not because of the man's decision.

So anyway, those are the two times I've known of people doing this. Everyone's different though and you really can't assume either of these situations her motivation.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

WickerDeer said:


> Who knows? Only she does.
> 
> I've heard of this happening twice. I'll tell you why it happened with the people it did, but everyone's different.
> 
> ...


I think someone else brought it up, but you suppose OP's girlfriend gave him a "sample of the goods" and now thinks it is time to get married if he wants more? She's now holding out for a ring?


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

tanstaafl28 said:


> I think someone else brought it up, but you suppose OP's girlfriend gave him a "sample of the goods" and now thinks it is time to get married if he wants more? She's now holding out for a ring?


I wouldn't think so, because they had a sexual relationship before and she must have been happy with that then.

Something changed.

Perhaps she caught whiff that he seemed to be dragging his feet though. Like she thought the relationship was progressing towards being serious and marriage, but he stopped showing interest in that or started waffling. Some men might seem to be open to marriage/kids but it's not really what they want. Or they aren't sure what they want. This could be frustrating for a woman who's looking at her biological clock etc. If she began to feel like he was stringing her along that might have made her unhappy enough to need to make such a drastic change.

Unless she just changed her mind about religion or something.

But I think something went wrong. I don't think she was intending, the whole time, to give him a "sample of the goods" and then strategically withdraw it.

It sounds like she really values marriage and that she may want to have a traditional sort of life with marriage and kids. OP should ask himself if he's sure about what he wants in life or if he has similar goals.

They should be on the same page about that so neither of them is wasting each other's time.


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## Scoobyscoob (Sep 4, 2016)

It could be that she's a sexual person and wants to see how she feels about you if she does observe abstinence until marriage. Although from experience, it's probably a friend of hers that suggested it to her. You may want to talk about it with her, because that might end up turning into a pretty bad problem down the line.


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## .17485 (Jan 12, 2011)

WickerDeer said:


> I wouldn't think so, because they had a sexual relationship before and she must have been happy with that then.
> 
> Something changed.
> 
> ...


Yeah she's mentioned a few times in past about getting married and long term goals in the relationship. I feel like she's worried about that as well. Maybe I got a bit relaxed in the relationship. 

I would like to get married and have kids. We've been dating for roughly a year and a half. 

But with marriage it's sometimes I get a bit worried about it because of how my parents marriage was. They tended to argue a lot and I wondered if they stayed in the marriage for so long because they were worried if they got divorced if I would be ok. But then again they've made it to 30 years of marriage. So I guess something is working for them. I do think they love one another but sometimes I never saw that growing up. 

I also worried about the financial aspect of marriage and planning it. But I guess that's normal as a guy.


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## lilysocks (Nov 7, 2012)

saying 'yes' once is not an irrevocable contract. she's changed her mind, but asking strangers about it isn't likely to be very helpful. she doesn't owe you sex.



tanstaafl28 said:


> If she cannot come up with a clear and concise reason why, I think this is probably a red flag.


i disagree. even in a relationship, since when does anyone have to justify saying no before it gets listened to? 


* *





oh, that's right. since always. 




reasons don't always meet with the approval of the other party, unsurprisingly. but that doesn't have to mean they're not valid. and nothing says that a person who can't be 'clear and concise' according to somebody else loses the right to say no.


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

Tega1 said:


> Yeah she's mentioned a few times in past about getting married and long term goals in the relationship. I feel like she's worried about that as well. Maybe I got a bit relaxed in the relationship.
> 
> I would like to get married and have kids. We've been dating for roughly a year and a half.
> 
> ...


Do you think you could ask her about financial plans for marriage and see if some kind of solution could be found for both of you?

What is your worries about the financial aspect? That you make more than her? Men do tend to make more than women.

I also can see why you'd be worried and I don't think there's anything wrong with being apprehensive about marriage. You have every right to choose whether or not you want to pursue a marriage with her, or kids or whatever.

But it would be good to figure this out, because if she is really looking for marriage and you really aren't, then you guys might be spinning your own wheels.

Maybe you could talk to her about it again and just see how she feels and how you feel.


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## Astrida88 (Jun 6, 2019)

About the topic. It could be simple. She might be afraid.
Theorizing whatever it is OK to have sex before marriage it's different than actually doing that.

Sex comes with risk of conceiving, even protected sex. What is going to happen if you have this kind of accident and be forced into a shotgun wedding? What will her family say when they discover she got pregnant before marriage? It's a huge problem for people raised in conservative families and even 2% risk of pre-marriage pregnancy can make her not want to have sex before getting married due to paranoia.

And the worries about getting pregnant often come AFTER the first sex. Before that you worry if it will hurt, if you do well etc. but afterwards you worry what if you made a mistake, what is the funny feeling in your stomach, why is your intimate part so weird all of sudden and why your period is a little bit late. You know logically you did everything to prevent pregnancy but your body is so weird (due to stress and physical changes) it's hard to believe. Then the period comes and your worries go away but you think twice before doing it again because you are now aware what if going to happen if you get pregnant before marriage due to all the anxious thinking.


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## .17485 (Jan 12, 2011)

WickerDeer said:


> Do you think you could ask her about financial plans for marriage and see if some kind of solution could be found for both of you?
> 
> What is your worries about the financial aspect? That you make more than her? Men do tend to make more than women.
> 
> ...


The financial worries were if what I make currently in my job would be enough to pay for a wedding. She makes a bit more than me. But I was happy to paid for the dates activities. 

Yeah we've mentioned financial plans but they was mainly if we where to look at getting a house together.


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

Tega1 said:


> The financial worries were if what I make currently in my job would be enough to pay for a wedding. She makes a bit more than me. But I was happy to paid for the dates activities.
> 
> Yeah we've mentioned financial plans but they was mainly if we where to look at getting a house together.


Hm.

That sounds like something it'd be good to talk to her about. I can get why you'd be concerned about paying for a wedding, especially since you make less. But there are a lot of ways you can make a wedding less expensive--there are a lot of cool decorating ideas and stuff.

I would start by just asking her why she decided no sex till marriage--whether it's for religious reasons or she felt like you guys were stagnating. Or anything else.

Do you want to marry her? Paying for a wedding--I can see how you'd be concerned, but it's really not that significant compared to deciding whether you do want to marry and what kind of future you want to have.

Maybe you guys could talk about that.


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## .17485 (Jan 12, 2011)

WickerDeer said:


> Hm.
> 
> That sounds like something it'd be good to talk to her about. I can get why you'd be concerned about paying for a wedding, especially since you make less. But there are a lot of ways you can make a wedding less expensive--there are a lot of cool decorating ideas and stuff.
> 
> ...


Yeah I would like to get married to her. I would say we get along well in terms of our conversations and we enjoy each other's company as well giving each other space to do their own thing too. I feel more happier when she comes around to my place.

Maybe fancy dress for the wedding lol. Nah she would find it corny. I had a relative in their wedding who had a photo booth and picture could take pictures and wear masks. Had super heroes, regular masks. Could be something to think about in terms of a wedding theme.

I think it's mainly for the religious aspects of it why she wants to wait till marriage. I can understand some of it because I felt like that when I was younger.


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## Guest (Sep 19, 2020)

Tega1 said:


> Yeah I think it could be her personal conviction as well as her beliefs. It might be she wants me to propose to her.
> 
> I mentioned I respect her opinion, but felt sad about it because it would limit the physical intimacy that we have which has been good. I'm just a bit skeptical if it means there's another guy in the background and I'm like the back burner.


No way, Jose. She is definitely invested in you. 

Time for your call, she is expecting your assertion on commitment.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

lilysocks said:


> saying 'yes' once is not an irrevocable contract. she's changed her mind, but asking strangers about it isn't likely to be very helpful. she doesn't owe you sex.
> 
> i disagree. even in a relationship, since when does anyone have to justify saying no before it gets listened to?
> 
> ...


You're certainly entitled to disagree.

IMHO, suddenly changing course in an established relationship with no explanation is not how I would choose to conduct myself, nor expect from someone I have a loving and intimate relationship with.
Communication and trust are extremely important. Never start down a path you can't walk back, and yes, justification should _always_ be warranted in instances such as this, otherwise the relationship has no leg to stand on.

You don't seem to care that this is seriously messing with someone's feelings and, while he may not accept the explanation, he most certainly _DOES_ deserve one. She certainly has every right to decide she no longer wants to have sex with him for whatever reasons, but I think if she loves him at all, she should be able to clearly explain why she suddenly feels this way.

How would you feel if you were in the OP's shoes? Did he do something wrong? Is he bad in bed? Is there someone else? Doesn't she love me anymore? How is this not a consideration for you?


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## lilysocks (Nov 7, 2012)

tanstaafl28 said:


> IMHO, suddenly changing course in an established relationship with no explanation


this makes sense, except she did give an explanation. you don't see it as being 'clear and cogent' enough to count though? 



> You don't seem to care that this is seriously messing with someone's feelings and, while he may not accept the explanation, he most certainly _DOES_ deserve one


. 

he's had one. i think our disagreement is: how responsible is _she_ supposed to be for _his_ feels when she doesn't want to do something he'd rather continue doing. there certainly is a component of that in any relationship, but i don't agree that failing to do ALL the emotional labour on behalf of a partner is a 'red flag'. 



> How is this not a consideration for you?


i think it warrants a conversation. just going by the nature of human beans, i expect there are layers to what's really going on for both people that they're not necessarily even aware of themselves. 

but i think trust goes both ways in a discussion like this. the 'refusing' party also has a right to state their position and then work through whatever iterations are necessary, without being condemned out of the gate as waving 'red flags' just because the other party can't choose between his competing insecurities.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

lilysocks said:


> this makes sense, except she did give an explanation. you don't see it as being 'clear and cogent' enough to count though?
> 
> .
> 
> ...


I did not condemn anyone. I simply stated that reversing course in an established relationship deserves a clear reason, and absent that, raises serious concerns about the future of that relationship. She's well within her rights to make the decision, but she should be able to explain herself beyond stating she suddenly wants to wait for marriage. If she's feeling some sort of guilt, pressure, or some other issue, she should be able to express herself clearly. He deserves to know exactly why she's altering a major element of the relationship on a dime.


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## islandlight (Aug 13, 2013)

This thread has made me remember something that happened in my own life. 

I had a boyfriend who lived a couple of hours away. Typically we'd visit each other once a week for a few hours. We'd share a meal, talk, and then have sex. Then it would be time for the visitor to go home.

We made plans for me to move to his area so we could see each other more often. Then he got cold feet. One of the things he said was that we should not have sex for a while.

I think he wanted to get to know me better, and ascertain whether we really had anything going for us other than sex.

We broke up, because a lot of things were messed up at this time. But I kind of see the logic in wanting to take a break from sex and pay more attention to conversation and other activities.


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