# How can I convince my best friend that his home life is NOT normal and he NEEDS to move out? UPDATE: HIS PARENTS ARE ON HEROIN



## melody5697 (Apr 19, 2015)

My best friend and I met at Job Corps, which is a residential career training program for disadvantaged youth. He was one of the very few people there who liked me. He has Asperger's syndrome and ADHD, apparently. (I'm surprised by the ADHD, tbh. When our trade was taken away, he was the one who put in the work to keep studying anyway and managed to get the certification he went to Job Corps for in the first place, while everyone else was stuck either switching to a different trade or quitting Job Corps entirely.) After graduating, we both moved back in with our parents (which, for me, meant moving halfway across the country). Neither of us are in great situations... But his is really awful and he doesn't realize how awful it is and how important it is that he moves out!!!

His mom has been using his credit card and not paying him back. I've repeatedly told him that that's NOT okay and he needs to stop letting her do that. Today he told me that she's been using his credit card to take care of a bunch of animals, which he was okay with because it gives her purpose??? Then she just randomly bought a rottweiler puppy and said it was for his birthday even though he'd explicitly said that he doesn't want pets (since animals are consuming his mom's life). He's concerned about what the dog will be like when it grows up. And he can't move out of his parents' house because they'll lose this house that they recently bought if he isn't contributing. I told him that his parents are not his responsibility and they chose to buy a house that they can't afford and that he needs to move out. I once again told him to stop letting his mom use his credit card. He said that he's completely dependent upon his mom for transportation (he's terrified of driving and there's no public transportation in his part of town) and that's why he has to let his mom use his credit card. Now he's thinking about just getting everything delivered so he won't need transportation anymore. (He works from home.) I told him that none of this is normal and he NEEDS to move out. (There are areas in his city with affordable rent and usable public transportation.) He just keeps insisting that it's fine and there's no reason to move out, but his parents are clearly taking advantage of him and this is so obviously not normal and he needs to move out and he won't listen to me!!!

Does anyone have any advice for how I can convince him that this IS a problem and he DOES need to move out? I should've stayed in Arizona... When we were in Job Corps, he was inclined to just study all the time, but I got him to do fun stuff with me and brought him along on my adventures. If I was still there, we'd still be hanging out all the time. Now he's back to not really doing anything other than working and studying and he has no social life. Maybe if he wasn't isolated and spending all his time in that house, he'd be able to see that this stuff is NOT NORMAL.


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## Necrofantasia (Feb 26, 2014)

It's not sustainable, but it is very normal.


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## melody5697 (Apr 19, 2015)

Necrofantasia said:


> It's not sustainable, but it is very normal.


It's normal for a 25-year-old man to be in a situation where he has to let his mom (who clearly has mental issues, if you ask me) use his credit card all the time and then pay for all that himself if he wants to have transportation???


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## Necrofantasia (Feb 26, 2014)

melody5697 said:


> It's normal for a 25-year-old man to be in a situation where he has to let his mom (who clearly has mental issues, if you ask me) use his credit card all the time and then pay for all that himself if he wants to have transportation???


If the adults around a child are unreliable it's not uncommon for the child to to develop a caretaking dynamic towards them. It's traumatic but happens.
Or he could simply be from a culture where there's lots of social pressure to provide for aging parents. Asian and Latin American cultures come to mind.


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## melody5697 (Apr 19, 2015)

Necrofantasia said:


> If he's the eldest or only child of unreliable parents it's not uncommon for offspring to develop a caretaking dynamic towards them.
> Or he could simply be from a culture where there's lots of social pressure to provide for aging parents.


He has two sisters. He's the middle child. His older sister is awful, though. It sounds to me like she's a narcissist or something. We live in the United States. His mom is white and his dad is Mexican.


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## Necrofantasia (Feb 26, 2014)

There's your answer then, two out of two. It's about as normal as butter on bread. 
He probably knows it's not great, but he prefers that to the alternative.
His life, his choice.


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## Miranda Mayhem (Sep 16, 2016)

There are a lot of options for him, but he has to want to move out himself before he can utilize them. He seems very attached to his family; and, considering the day-to-day challenges that come with being on the spectrum, may feel that the risks outweigh the benefits of breaking away from his safe, familiar home. His preferring that he not have to leave home for work rather than having to drive himself is a nod at this.

In order for him to see moving out as his best option, you must consider not only the practical benefits but also the things that make him feel comfortable. There may be affordable transportation and rent near him, but he is probably thinking about how much more isolated he will be away from his family. He is not responsible for his parents’ financial decisions or welfare, but he has expressed that he cares about them. Sure, he would gain independence by moving out, but he would also probably be miserable thinking his actions put his parents in a precarious position.


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## HAL (May 10, 2014)

melody5697 said:


> Does anyone have any advice for how I can convince him that this IS a problem and he DOES need to move out?


Move out and do what? 

Replace his mother's credit card costs with... having to pay for his own rent, food, bills, transport?

Doesn't sound like a perfect situation, but doesn't sound like you should be telling him to alter his entire life either. Actually I can't understand the seeming state of alarm that your post suggests.


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## ENTJudgement (Oct 6, 2013)

melody5697 said:


> My best friend and I met at Job Corps, which is a residential career training program for disadvantaged youth. He was one of the very few people there who liked me. He has Asperger's syndrome and ADHD, apparently. (I'm surprised by the ADHD, tbh. When our trade was taken away, he was the one who put in the work to keep studying anyway and managed to get the certification he went to Job Corps for in the first place, while everyone else was stuck either switching to a different trade or quitting Job Corps entirely.) After graduating, we both moved back in with our parents (which, for me, meant moving halfway across the country). Neither of us are in great situations... But his is really awful and he doesn't realize how awful it is and how important it is that he moves out!!!
> 
> His mom has been using his credit card and not paying him back. I've repeatedly told him that that's NOT okay and he needs to stop letting her do that. Today he told me that she's been using his credit card to take care of a bunch of animals, which he was okay with because it gives her purpose??? Then she just randomly bought a rottweiler puppy and said it was for his birthday even though he'd explicitly said that he doesn't want pets (since animals are consuming his mom's life). He's concerned about what the dog will be like when it grows up. And he can't move out of his parents' house because they'll lose this house that they recently bought if he isn't contributing. I told him that his parents are not his responsibility and they chose to buy a house that they can't afford and that he needs to move out. I once again told him to stop letting his mom use his credit card. He said that he's completely dependent upon his mom for transportation (he's terrified of driving and there's no public transportation in his part of town) and that's why he has to let his mom use his credit card. Now he's thinking about just getting everything delivered so he won't need transportation anymore. (He works from home.) I told him that none of this is normal and he NEEDS to move out. (There are areas in his city with affordable rent and usable public transportation.) He just keeps insisting that it's fine and there's no reason to move out, but his parents are clearly taking advantage of him and this is so obviously not normal and he needs to move out and he won't listen to me!!!
> 
> Does anyone have any advice for how I can convince him that this IS a problem and he DOES need to move out? I should've stayed in Arizona... When we were in Job Corps, he was inclined to just study all the time, but I got him to do fun stuff with me and brought him along on my adventures. If I was still there, we'd still be hanging out all the time. Now he's back to not really doing anything other than working and studying and he has no social life. Maybe if he wasn't isolated and spending all his time in that house, he'd be able to see that this stuff is NOT NORMAL.


He chose to let his mom use his credit card over getting over his driving phobia, saving up and moving out, it’s not your job to tell him how to live his life, u have already explained the situation to him. Let him hit the wall and get himself out, if that’s what it takes for him to learn.
There has been plenty of times in my life when my parents tried to stop be from going down a self destructive path etc… I never listened, made excuses, hit the wall head first and came out bloodied but ready to move on.


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## shameless (Apr 21, 2014)

I respect your concern, but I agree with the others. He has to want to move out on his own.

When I was in my late teens I lived at home in less than ideal circumstances. At the time back then I had to pay daycare, and rent/utility. Sounds reasonable off of the top but I was left very very little left over to afford much, or save. Even save to move out, or save for daycare etc. Things that would have alotted me personal independence and freedom. 

The final straw for me was when my step dad tried to con me into signing over myself and my eldest daughter on their taxes. I was astonished that while I paid for my cost of living and then some, and was in the middle of applying to University he would have the nerve to potentially jeopardize and harm my ability to get student loans at the time, but also be able to move out. 

It took me bringing him to the financial counselor and the financial counselor at University agreeing with, and backing me. She basically had to spell out very boldly to him that if he attempted to claim myself and my daughter when I paid rent/care etc that it was a fraud claim, and also that it would in fact jeopardize my student financing. As well as her backing me and spelling out to him it would prevent me from claiming my own child who I paid for on taxes as my own dependent. Hence allowing me the $ to get us out of there.

Once I moved out I actually had money, and no more leverage held over me.

Anyways I still stand by, that this guy needs to want that for himself. Until he does, I would say it is not an emergency. He is a 25 yr old adult. Best you can do is be a support system, and politely encourage him to leave for his longterm interest. My point in my story above was to explain sometimes it is not that damn easy to leave a sticky situation.


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## Vexus (Mar 23, 2020)

Seems normal. Liberal culture has made people think it's abnormal to share the burdens as a family, but I assure you, it's perfectly normal, has been done since the dawn of time, and the lack of such things is why a) you question it and b) society is teetering on being a mess.

It's only "modern" to abandon your family and get a job to make more money for a business than you get paid and then pay the rest of what you earn to other people to survive.

Throughout history, people re-invested their labor into their family and the result was actual wealth for the family. Sharing burdens and so on.

The only time this shouldn't be happening is when a man/woman is getting married. Then the man should be establishing a home and so on. Funny traditions, huh?


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## melody5697 (Apr 19, 2015)

I am uncertain if this is still an issue, but at one point he was having to give his parents so much money that it actually would've been cheaper for him to move out than to continue living with them. Also, that really messed up sister he's got moved back in a while back. She's incredibly nasty to him and has told him that he's retarded and should quit his IT job and go work at McDonald's instead. I'm not sure if she's still there or not... But this is why I'm so freaked out by his situation!!!


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## Necrofantasia (Feb 26, 2014)

So it's not the living arrangement, it's the tolerance of abuse.
When you ask him about it what does he say?


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## TheCloud (May 10, 2015)

It's unrealistic to expect him to turn off his emotions and abandon his parents, whose situation can be predicted to decline to an unknown low without him. What he needs, rather, are the tools to express himself. Right now the main way he has to express his affection and appreciation for his parents is to allow himself to be used as an enabler of his mother's mental illness. His toolbox is pretty well empty when this is the best he can achieve.

If you're at a loss as to where to start, my recommendation would be to study the principles and methods of Non-Violent Communication (NVC). There's youtube videos and books and lots of material to study from. It's a good place to start for finding new and healthy ways to express yourself when you're accustomed to toxic methods. It's unrealistic to expect things to change all at once, for you or for him, but if you start learning new ways, you can hope to use that knowledge to make a real difference.

About the Center for Nonviolent Communication | Center for Nonviolent Communication


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## melody5697 (Apr 19, 2015)

His parents are on HEROIN now. Turns out his dad has a history of this. He still thinks there's a chance he might be able to work this out without leaving. Any further advice?


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## FaeSoleil (9 mo ago)

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink. Can't save everyone, as much as it hurts. u.u

If someone doesn't want to move out, there's not much more to do. It's their decision, unfortunately, as bad as that decision may be.


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## Ms. Aligned (Aug 26, 2021)

Only read the thread title. Answer is....

Move out, and show him, irl how it looks different.


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## melody5697 (Apr 19, 2015)

Ms. Aligned said:


> Only read the thread title. Answer is....
> 
> Move out, and show him, irl how it looks different.


His parents have been taking advantage of him and now they're on drugs.


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## FaeSoleil (9 mo ago)

melody5697 said:


> His parents have been taking advantage of him and now they're on drugs.


I've been in a similar situation before. The best I knew how to offer was just... a place to stay, told them that what they were experiencing wasn't how life was supposed to go. It didn't work.

People tend to have a lot of reasons to stay in bad situations like that, and you can't always get through to them. u.u


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## melody5697 (Apr 19, 2015)

At least he is seriously considering moving out now... I hope he ends up making the right decision and getting himself and his younger sister (not a minor) out of there.


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