# A Victim Bringing Drama into New Potential Relationships



## 0wl (Mar 12, 2018)

It me! Now, to be more serious about this... I wasn't aware of this behavioral pattern in the past, I've noticed that I tend to bring drama into new relationships with people that I find attractive. I perfected the victim role to the point where I created this romantic idea of me being someone who needs to be saved by a loved one. I tend to create situations in which I intentionally put myself into a role of a victim of something and someone and say that I have trubles or struggle with things I really don't, and expect the other person to help me. I've made a few people feel uncomfortable around me because of it. It makes me seem well... dramatic and maybe even incapable and I don't want to come accross this way.

The worst thing is that I do it even with people, with whom I know I could never really have a relationship, I just somehow find them either attractive or interesting enough to trigger this sort of behavior. I've managed to limit such behavior to daydream and romantic fantasies but still, I feel like it's too much. This victim mode is not something I can entirely control and sometimes, it happens with incovinient people and at bad places where I shoulnd't appear this way.

Is it something that I can learn to manage? Work with?


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## Deuce (Feb 16, 2021)

Mmh, my first thought is that you sound very self-aware ... Back to the subject, to me it looks like it's not in your best interest to be ashamed of this pattern or to try to completely stifle this behavior, first because it would end up more uncontrolled and also because a bit of drama is something plenty of people can enjoy, appreciate or admire when it's done skillfully - dramatic flair is also what makes a good interesting story-teller ... Would I am right to assume that some of the persons you find attractive find this side of you pleasant too ? 

My impression is that you could use this dramatic and romantic side of yours consciously and into the right context so that he doesn't leak out at the wrong times and places. Whatever that "good context" might be : creative endeavors of the kind you prefer the most or playfully with a boyfriend or lover for example ?

Maybe you could ask yourself why you create that self image "me being someone who needs to be saved by a loved one?" because it probably compensate for an unattended inner need, or did compensate for it when you created it ? You could ask yourself if this need still exists and if so, try to find out what it is and in which aspect of your existence there could be some residual frustration or incompleteness or despair and work on obtaining a sense of satisfaction in this area ... 

On a side-note, since the issue you talk about is very characteristic of 4s, I find this article about enneagram 4 and health advices for them to offer pretty interesting perspectives and advices : 









Health Tips for Enneagram Type Four - Simple Roots


Want to get healthier? Let your enneagram number be your guide. Inside I teach enneagram type four how to use their type for health.




simplerootswellness.com


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## 0wl (Mar 12, 2018)

Deuce said:


> Mmh, my first thought is that you sound very self-aware ... Back to the subject, to me it looks like it's not in your best interest to be ashamed of this pattern or to try to completely stifle this behavior, first because it would end up more uncontrolled and also because a bit of drama is something plenty of people can enjoy, appreciate or admire when it's done skillfully - dramatic flair is also what makes a good interesting story-teller ... Would I am right to assume that some of the persons you find attractive find this side of you pleasant too ?
> 
> My impression is that you could use this dramatic and romantic side of yours consciously and into the right context so that he doesn't leak out at the wrong times and places. Whatever that "good context" might be : creative endeavors of the kind you prefer the most or playfully with a boyfriend or lover for example ?
> 
> ...


Thanks, the articles you sent was actually pretty good. I mean, I'm aware of these shortcomings, but it always helps when somebody places a mirror in front of you. I do struggle with routine, even though I have to say, I've gotten better at it. I still do act based on my current feelings and not based on a set regime which only creates more emotional instability. This actually really motivated me to try to be more strict with myself. I often wake up in the morning and plan that I should do yoga, but when I don't feel like doing it, I just don't and that's not a very healthy attitude, so I need to be more aware of this.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

0wl said:


> It me! Now, to be more serious about this... I wasn't aware of this behavioral pattern in the past, I've noticed that I tend to bring drama into new relationships with people that I find attractive. I perfected the victim role to the point where I created this romantic idea of me being someone who needs to be saved by a loved one. I tend to create situations in which I intentionally put myself into a role of a victim of something and someone and say that I have troubles or struggle with things I really don't, and expect the other person to help me. I've made a few people feel uncomfortable around me because of it. It makes me seem well... dramatic and maybe even incapable and I don't want to come across this way.
> 
> The worst thing is that I do it even with people, with whom I know I could never really have a relationship, I just somehow find them either attractive or interesting enough to trigger this sort of behavior. I've managed to limit such behavior to daydream and romantic fantasies but still, I feel like it's too much. This victim mode is not something I can entirely control and sometimes, it happens with inconvenient people and at bad places where I shouldn't appear this way.
> 
> Is it something that I can learn to manage? Work with?


Seems like you've grown a bit. Awareness is the first step. Like anything else you want to do, you make a plan and you execute it to the best of your ability. You'll likely fall short a few times and you may never get it perfectly, but you'll learn and get better at it each time with practice, as long as you don't give up! 



http://web.mit.edu/collaborationtbox/module13/2016/Module13-4.pdf











How to Recognize and Change Toxic Behavioral Patterns


Patterns generally involve repetitive action, a task or behavior engaged in frequently, often without giving i




psychcentral.com













The Five Stages to Successful Behavior Change - Cecelia Health


OK, so we are a few weeks into 2016, and many of us may already be wavering from our New Year’s resolutions, if not completely forgotten them. Why is it so hard to make changes? James Prochaska, from the University of Rhode Island, has studied this question for more than thirty




www.ceceliahealth.com













How To Change Your Thoughts And Behavior Patterns For The Better | BetterHelp


It's possible to change your thoughts and, as a result, your actions. Discover the connection between thinking and doing and how you can integrate them.




www.betterhelp.com













Why behavior change is hard - and why you should keep trying - Harvard Health


Successful change comes only in stages. How long it takes is an individual matter....




www.health.harvard.edu


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

Without more context, it's difficult to draw any conclusions. Often enough, drama manifests between incompatible people since they misunderstand each other's signals due to opposing definitions of 'love'.


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## 0wl (Mar 12, 2018)

tanstaafl28 said:


> Seems like you've grown a bit. Awareness is the first step. Like anything else you want to do, you make a plan and you execute it to the best of your ability. You'll likely fall short a few times and you may never get it perfectly, but you'll learn and get better at it each time with practice, as long as you don't give up!
> 
> 
> 
> ...


These are all excellent articles! I checked them out and so far read the first study in depth and it actually lead to pretty great realizations. I followed the steps listed to address the issue, and it was such a good experience. I know this might sound exaggerated, but I had a pretty good self exploring time with the study this evening, so thanks again for posting and I'll check the rest of them tomorrow.


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