# NTs and problems with getting/keeping friends



## EidolonAlpha (Aug 11, 2014)

I guess ENTPs and many ENTJs don't really have that problem, but I could be wrong, so I just post this here.

I really have a problem with making friends and that problem is not that I don't want any. Sometimes I'm really frustrated that the only person where I can really speak my mind is my wife. And that's not because I'm not outgoing enough, I just have the feeling that I'm too... well... exhausting for people. 

I do have friends, but firstly, really not that many and second they're all not very close to me. While I open up to them, they stay distanced and somewhat shallow. Superficial. The sad thing is, before I met my wife I had some female friends who were very close to me in a platonic way. I could talk to them about everything and they wouldn't get tired or bored or at least I had that impression. Today I'm not so sure about "platonic", though, because as soon as my wife and I got together, we barely had any contact anymore. So that sucks, because I get the feeling that people don't really want to be friends with me as soon as they get to know me a bit better. 
Gosh, I sound like a sad little kid.

Can you in some way relate? Because while I don't knowingly have any INTP accquaintances, I believe that INTJs struggle with similar problems. And maybe ENTPs and ENTJs too, but because they're usually surrounded by people, it doesn't show that much.


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## Ermenegildo (Feb 25, 2014)

EidolonAlpha said:


> I guess ENTPs and many ENTJs don't really have that problem, but I could be wrong, so I just post this here.


There are even obnoxiously extraverted ENTPs who rarely leave their cave where they occupy themselves with their projects. It is well known that ENTPs find people boring, that is useless for their communication about abstract topics. The problem of staying in contact with INs is that after an intensive exchange of a few hours they fade away without leaving a trace behind that signals their desire for continuation. But I see light at the end of the tunnel – websites that will connect intuitives with similar interests.


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## stathamspeacoat (Dec 10, 2016)

EidolonAlpha said:


> I really have a problem with making friends and that problem is not that I don't want any.


My problem is that I don't want any. 

I don't have trouble making friends because I don't really need more people to attend to but it happens now and then. When it does happen, it's because there is something very compelling about the person and I'd be stupid not to keep them around. 

I just don't go looking for any. I'm a-ok with being alone/by myself. 

Maybe part of your stress is looking and not finding what you want.


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## Santa Gloss (Feb 23, 2015)

Maybe you both could befriend other couples who are similar to you. That's what a lot of couples do. 



> I just have the feeling that I'm too... well... exhausting for people.


Can you expand on this? I don't want to make any assumptions just yet and give you incorrect advice.


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## EidolonAlpha (Aug 11, 2014)

Santa Gloss said:


> Can you expand on this? I don't want to make any assumptions just yet and give you incorrect advice.


I don't only question myself, I question others as well - openly so. I try to keep it low, though, but sometimes I can't get around asking some more questions. Especially, when something that my my partner in conversation says doesn't make sense for me or seems... well, patchy. Now either me or most other people have to be a little bit dumb, because that happens quite often.

I love talking about politics, which stresses out many people. And it's not like I don't respect any other political views. Especially when talking about politics I try my best to stay polite and unpersonal. 

I like exchanging news and views about how humanity is destroying the environment. Before people get the impression that I'm sitting on a high horse there, I also tell them, where I have room for improvement. But I have the feeling that the topic is in general very unpopular, because it forces people to look at themselves and many feel uncomfortable with this.

My wife and I have a friend (well, it's more like she's my wifes friend and after like five years I could probably say, that we were friends as well) and she told me, that I am in some sort intimidating. That I'm always making her feel stupid. Now, that she knows me better, she knows, that it's not my intention, but she still feels this way.


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## mention it (May 3, 2014)

EidolonAlpha said:


> Can you in some way relate?


I understand where you're coming from. For me it's not a matter of being unable to get/keep friends, but rather I choose not to. I've had the same small circle of friends for just over 10 years now, and I've had no intention of adding to that group. Through college I had "friends" and they were easy to make and keep, but to me they were never more than acquaintances. I think there is a misconception that INTJ's are cold, uncaring people who just use others, but in my opinion I think it's the opposite. I care so much about the people in my life that the amount of time and energy I put into them is why I don't want to add to that. I am content with the friends that I have and I don't see a need for more.

In regard to you saying "she told me, that I am in some sort intimidating", I can relate to that lol although rather than intimidation I've found it's more so extroverted types who _want_ me to like them or spend time with them...etc. and don't understand why I don't (them: "if only I could break him out of his shell!" | me: :dry. 

So anyway for me I've never had "problems" making new friends, or keeping friends, I just choose not to. I can't really comment on whether or not an inability to do so is applicable to most INTJ's though.


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## Handsome Dyke (Oct 4, 2012)

Yeah, it's not really a "problem" though because it doesn't bother me. Insufficient social interest to bother making any friends. I would be satisfied with a network of people who help each other out in more important ways—making sure people have rides to the hospital or babysitters when they need them—and otherwise low social expectations.


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## ponpiri (Apr 30, 2017)

I commiserate with wanting to be "deep" but others around you wanting to remain superficial. However, I can't relate to not being able to make friends. 

This is likely because I have a dear friend that feels like a sister and a couple of other flyby friends that I've known for years. And I'm so arrogant that I couldn't care less about whether those around me like me or not. 

You could be coming on too strongly and/or the subjects you want to talk about are too heavy. I won't tell you to tone it down, because you're just being yourself, but perhaps you could change your perspective a little bit? Let go and enjoy the superficial talk for what it is in the moment.


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## CryingAngel (Aug 25, 2016)

Yes, you are coming on too heavy!! You need to join the present moment in order to enjoy your time with other people.

Personally I don't want friends either, but sometimes you just feel like befriending people. If you challenge the same person long enough, something deep will occur.

To @EidolonAlpha : "That I'm always making her feel stupid. Now, that she knows me better, she knows, that it's not my intention, but she still feels this way." I also get this from an ENFP when I chat with her. She often questions her intelligence, when I am just rambling on some shit (creating Ne chaos) to her. It's not cool. I just apologize and try to say something funny and then switch topic. She wishes to not have to deal with my overwhelming Ti-thoughts, maybe because according to socionics ENFPs are not secure about their Ti-function.


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## Aquiline (Oct 19, 2016)

Depends on what you mean by friend. It's easy enough to be surrounded by people. Deep connections are rare, but so are all good things.


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## chadsama (Aug 1, 2017)

I only consider most of the people around me as acquantances or temporary friends (have expirations) but I do have real friends (which I already consider as my brothers and sisters) and they are only around 3-4 people... Since I prefer quality, I'd take a bullet for them anytime.


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## god of whiNE and TIts (Jul 21, 2017)

I have trouble making friends, but will fight like hell to keep them.

They're usually introverts who socialize waaaaaaaaaay less than me, and as a result I end up annoying the shit out of like, 4 people, complain when they don't pay attention to me, and then refuse to befriend anybody else because I'm uninterested


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## Mone (May 22, 2017)

I am tired of drama. Therefore I am trying to avoid "friendship". I have contacts, family, "friends" I can hang out with...but whenever I develop closer? friendship? with somebody, they start to annoy or bore me.. :/


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## atamagasuita (May 15, 2016)

I have problem making friends when I'm taken. Because i have no time for friends and i just waste my time on my boyfriend which is really boring


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## Amauriel (Jul 27, 2017)

I don't have many friends, and by that I mean people who are_ really_ close to me, whom I can talk about anything. I do know a lot of people, but I just keep the distance most of the times because I don't feel I have enough in common with them. I've had difficulties keeping friends because of practical reasons (distance, not enough time to text or call etc...) and personal reasons (my need for personal space and to find like-minded people), but as for today I think that I've become more open, and given the circumstances I could make friends easily, but I have to admit that I don't do much to keep the friendship going :tongue:, I need the other person to push me to do new activities (my ESFP friend), or be willing to cope with me when I don't text for a looong time and then suddenly show up and start talking about something we are both interested in (music, movies, books or stuff).


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## Kaioken (Mar 4, 2017)

I don't really know who is or not my friend, there are probably people I would consider friends who don't care at all about me, and maybe also the other way around.
I don't know how to maintain a relationship, I tend to disappear, people then probably think you forget about them. The fact that I'm not that expressive doesnt help.


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