# Suicide best solution? [TRIGGER WARNING]



## caramel_choctop (Sep 20, 2010)

*Don't read this if you're suicidal right now - TW for discussion of suicide. TW TW TW

*I feel like the more chances I waste, the less my parents will want to support me, all evidence to the contrary, and that if I died they would be, I don’t know, relieved of having to support me financially. Again, people have said it’s the worst feeling in the world to lose someone to suicide… but why are they giving me more chances at age 22? I want to emphasise that they have explicitly told me a number of positive things and are making it clear that quitting my new job was actually the BETTER solution and that I tried (which I did) like hell.

But it’s the latest in a series of failures/things that didn’t work out, most of which were my fault.

Tell me honestly – would it be the better, more rational, more logical solution to commit suicide and quit while I’m ahead? Take the worst case scenario, that my parents pass away in ten years and I’m chronically unemployed and ill – or that they cut off all support, say, which I’m surprised they haven’t done already. They’re older immigrants & need their retirement money and can’t keep wasting it on me, or so I’d like to convince myself. It seems a neat solution, except that people keep saying how devastated they felt for years and years and till the present day when their family members committed suicide – even with a note!

I mean, can someone please explain this to me? *Won’t the pain fade after a few years and they can get on w living their lives without me, if I tell them it wasn’t their fault?* I DO NOT WANT to inflict that sort of lifelong pain on my family. But I figure that if that isn’t the case and if suicide is the better option in the long term I’ll do that. If I put in all my efforts and the worst case scenario happens anyway, it’ll be a great outlay of more time and money to no purpose. 


Let me emphasise: 
a)	I will get past my fear and stress and procrastination. This is not, “I don’t want to deal with my problems, so let’s jump off a bridge.” Those are small obstacles. The REAL problem is if things don’t work out anyway, despite my efforts, and my family has basically supported me for nothing. Yes, things might work out, and that’s great… but if they don’t, in ten years, where will I be? Caught in a rut again, that’s where, and likely a deeper one than I am now.
b)	My family has been supportive beyond belief. I don’t want to do this if it’ll cause them crippling pain for the rest of their lives –and my sister as well. The whole point is to make their lives easier/better off in the long term. Yes, and also to quit while I’m ahead, so it does have a selfish purpose.
c)	I understand that I’d be closing all doors with this. Is that truly worse than leaving one open?
d)	I understand that suicide carries risks that would potentially leave me in hospital for the rest of my life or leave me otherwise worse off. I understand, moreover, that in such a case, my family wouldn’t be able to euthanise me.
e)	I understand people regret their decision after they’ve made it.
f)	I’m in no danger of attempting suicide today, tomorrow or next week, so please piss off if you’re going to link me to a helpline. 
g)	It is perhaps unwise to rely on online forums for advice, but so be it.


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## Serak (Jul 26, 2012)

Maybe the pain will fade. Maybe it won't.
Maybe you'll find the success and independence you fear you won't. Maybe you won't.

You've made my point for me: You don't know.

Of course, your concern about being a financial and emotional drain on others is understandable. I've run into it a lot, even.

All of that said, the statistics don't support suicide as a viable means of easing strain on others. If you're looking for a rational answer, I'll give you one.

First, despite your own perceived weaknesses and the wealth of your parents, you're probably their best hope for good support in their elderly years. I don't just mean financially. I mean emotionally, socially, someone who make them feel like they've lost all dignity when they can't go to the toilet on their own. It can be rough, to say the least.

Second, the system (even in Australia!) is geared for your success. In the long run you have a hard time failing outright unless you legitimately don't try at all. In some ways you have more support and options open to you than, say, the citizen of a less supportive or less wealthy country than your own. If the people in your life supported you leaving a new job of yours then it was probably a solid call! By the sounds of it you even gave it 110%. Good on you!

But there are other opportunities out there and if you got hired for something in the first place, it means you've got the capacity to get hired again. Major Hurdle Number One: Complete.

Now, I'm saying all of this rather ignorant of the big picture of your situation. However, given your age, education (your profile lists University Student...?), previous successful employment, and your own willingness to admit your ability to overcome your issues with fear, stress, and procrastination?

You're right on the cusp already, Caramel, and I think you might not realize it yet. Even with just these general conclusions about you I have every reason to think that you can have boundless success in the future. By the sounds of it, you do too.

All of these combine together to make it overwhelmingly likely that your worst case scenario is far-fetched, something you'd have to actively pursue in order for it to come true. So as long as you don't sabotage yourself you've got most of the hard work done already.

All of this is purely from a rational point of view, as you seemed to want, so I'm going to keep this very blunt and honest: Losing you may very well mean your family loses what will almost certainly become a massive source of emotional, social, and financial support in the future. Even if she doesn't believe it right now.

Far from your goal, by the sounds of it.


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## Golden Rose (Jun 5, 2014)

The pain fades but never really goes away, I lost a friend this way and I'd be damned if I still don't feel it and remember them clearly and it's been years [I was about 13] and the same could be said 'bout natural death, especially since your parents seem to really love you. I understand what wasting chances and failing feels like, I've been there too and maybe I still am but you know what?? It gets better if you want it to. If you want to pay them back, just push yourself to find a path that you really enjoy and one day you'll be able to, I know it makes you feel like a leech right now [my parents are terrible yet I'm extremely familiar with those feels] but think of it this way... they didn't put all of that love and effort in raising you if they wanted it all to end so abruptly. You might think you're doing them a favor but you really aren't, losing a spouse or a child is something that haunts people for life and it sure as hell doesn't make them feel any relief, maybe they'll understand your reasons and respect your choice but they're gonna live with guilt on top of grief. You'd think my nan would be out enjoying her sunset years but she's a shell of her former self even tho she didn't even really love her late husband.
This shit sticks around so I don't really think you should do it and I know you won't but it's up to you.


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## Ermenegildo (Feb 25, 2014)

*ANGER:* 

“In the aftermath of suicide, survivors feel many strong emotions, sometimes moving from one to another fairly rapidly. Anger is an integral part of the traumatic and complicated grief process. Sometimes, survivors experience displaced anger. They feel upset, dissatisfied and irritated.

"My life is very out of control right now. It seems like everything bothers me and I have zero tolerance or patience with anybody in my life. I would like somebody to talk to me, to help me out, but when they do, I criticize them because they don't say the right thing or do the right thing or because their tone of voice just seems so 'annoying' to me."

Sometimes, anger is focused at individuals who may have hurt their loved. It can also be focused at mental health professionals or others who are insensitive to their grief.

"I'm not angry with my son. I"m angry that a death occurred and that the death was a suicide. I'm angry that I can't cope with my grief. I'm angry that everyone's life is going on and mine is not. I'm angry that I did not see this coming. I'm angry at the people who gave him the gun. I'm angry they seem to have no sadness or remorse."

Although some survivors say they have never felt anger towards their loved one, most do at some point.

"When he took his life, I am sure that he did not think for one minute about the consequences of what he was about to do. He would not have thought about how I wake every night with thoughts running through my head about his death, the pain, the anger. ... God, sometimes I feel so angry."

Sometimes months or years go by before someone experiences anger.

"I think I'm finally angry at him, after five months. I'm mad, sad ... he took my bet friend with him ... all my hopes and dreams; he took our future too, and left me with this awful flashback of finding him. I'm mad he was so weak. He really had nothing to be sad about. He had money, a beautiful family, a home, toys, work, everything ... except this awful psychosis and minor bipolar disorder that no one knew about. ... I'm just angry at the world and don't like anyone or anything except my child."

"I finally got angry after three years. I was in so much grief, loss trauma and shock. I was just numb and in a fog for three years. It finally all welled up in me and I wrote pages and pages that I plan on burning. I am hoping I will feel all the other emotions since I let loose with the anger."

Invariably survivors feel guilty or conflicted when they do experience anger. 

"My husband left me with a lot of unfinished business. I was sitting this morning wondering how he could do that to me and then I think that sounds elfish and I get mad at myself for feeling that way. Too many different feelings. Yesterday was a good day. Last night was horrible. This morning I just feel sick to my stomach and I want to crawl in a hole. It's the fact that they made the choice to leave us. To walk out on us. I get very conflicted sometimes just thinking about it." (Source)


The Alliance of Hope Forum: a healing place for those grieving loss to suicide

Suicide Grief Support Forum




caramel_choctop said:


> The REAL problem is if things don’t work out anyway, despite my efforts, and my family has basically supported me for nothing.


Things don't have to work out. They are not really important. We exist, and we don't need a pretext for our existence. Why shouldn't your parents support you "for nothing", as you call it? And why don't people find it strange to pay for their cats? You are the product of your parents, so they take care of you. Call that 'family communism' (Max Weber) or patronage. The arts need that. You are just an animal who takes your past life too serious. Forget it, live in the present, stop moralizing and choose cats as your teachers - they know how to enjoy life! 

Today I had to give my special cat massage three times to the same cat! Free of charge, of course.


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## loving2011 (Nov 6, 2012)

The pain will not go away. Maybe your family may know how to function and grieve years later, but the hurt will still be there. My best friend died more than a year ago, and it was the worst feeling in the world. I've accepted his death, but do I feel sad and aching when he's not here? You bet. So, it's not logical and rational to commit suicide. What's logical and rational is knowing how to solve your problems and reach out for help. Once you are in a better place, you're going to look back and think, "Why was I feeling that hopeless?" Hope that helps. 

I'm also projecting a bit of my own experience with suicidal thoughts. I've gotten suicidal when it felt like things were shitty, but am glad that I didn't do it once things got better.


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## Ermenegildo (Feb 25, 2014)

Teens and twens shouldn't kill themselves because they don't know much about life and suffer from peer and parent pressure or from unrequited love. If life is impossible at home they should flee and try a totally different way of life. Humans are so adaptable; from a different position on the planet everything looks differently, and the experience of the self changes as well. In my opinion suicide is for cold-blooded adults only who know what they do.


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## Razare (Apr 21, 2009)

To want to commit suicide, there has to be a lie stuck in your head.

Does it make sense to do something because you believe a lie? It's not logical. Believing a lie doesn't make it true.

Also, it's pretty egotistical to decide to end your life because it's not going how you want. Why not give your life up and use to help others? Unwillingness to do this is selfishness. I was just as selfish, so I understand.

But it does stand to reason you have value, whatever that value is, and why not apply it toward good? If your life doesn't turn out, at least you can help someone else's life.

Also, I know how to fix your mess entirely, and make it so you stop failing, and are no longer dependent on your parents. (I say this confidently because I was in the same mess, dependent on my parents for years, and contemplating suicide for most of them.) The problem is, if you're still contemplating suicide in your future, you have too much pride to accept what I would say. You have it all figured out and that's the problem.


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## Noelle (Apr 25, 2012)

As someone who went through a suicide *attempt* by a parent, no, the pain won't go away. It was over ten years ago and it still mentally fucks with me. I went through all the 'it was my fault,' 'if only I,' 'why didn't she love us enough to want to stay,' 'I should have helped her,' etc. And I was the child, who shouldn't be caring for a parent, but cared by a parent. I can only imagine the grief and guilt would be 1000x worse if it was experienced by someone who WAS responsible for caring from their child and it was a successful attempt.

I've heard from a lot of different people that losing a child is the worst thing that could happen to someone, I imagine losing them to suicide would be one of the hardest ways. I see no way in which freeing the 'burden' you are (which I don't think you are and they probably don't think you are) would ever outweigh the grief your suicide would.


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## rainrunner (Jul 15, 2014)

caramel_choctop said:


> I mean, can someone please explain this to me? *Won’t the pain fade after a few years and they can get on w living their lives without me, if I tell them it wasn’t their fault?*


Just as suicide is irrational, your loved ones' emotional responses to suicide will also be irrational, even if it wasn't their fault. They will always blame themselves and tell themselves that there is something more that they could have done. They will live with that emotional wound for the rest of their lives. 

You obviously have a very supportive and loving family. It does not matter if you are age 22 or age 40. Your parents will always be your parents. It's called "unconditional love". You may think that you are burdensome, but they are so loving and supportive because you, simply by being yourself, create something valuable in their lives.


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## Antipode (Jul 8, 2012)

Well, if your parents are the center of your life, and that's how you are valuing your own, then you could logically say that. 

However, if Jesus is the center if your life, who gave His life so that you could craft a relationship with Him, then I wouldn't call it logical. His love for you isn't based on the money you'll make; He loves you because He Is Love. He will provide above your parents. 

If you'd like to ever talk, I'm always here. ^_^


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## caramel_choctop (Sep 20, 2010)

Thanks for the advice, everyone, particularly @Noelle" @Hotaru, @inbi and @Serak. @Antipode, I'm an atheist and so don't believe in Jesus, but thank you for your offer of support. 

This has given me a number of things to think about.


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

Cognitive behavioral therapy. Change your perception and take control your emotions. You'd only be killing yourself because you felt bad about something and it's irrational. In reality you have a large amount of control in how you see things and how you react to them. It's clear that you have a negative view of reality and consequently you feel bad and are considering suicide. All you have to do is ask yourself what is happening right now and then think other terrible things and ask yourself if your own experiences fits with those things at all. I would personally commit suicide if I was a prisoner of war being tortured in a death camp not because I have trouble solving my problems. If you can't keep your cool you will be in a state of racing thoughts and frustration. Without a doubt this will affect your performance. If you fail to do something it might actually have to do with the fact that you think that you will fail and lose sight of focus on how to solve a problem. Some things aren't as big a deal as others and you should try to evaluate this. Then when your mind is cleared and only then will you regain control and possibly solve your problems or even stop viewing certain problems as problems which will shift the weight of the workload and help you focus yourself. I don't support suicide in most cases I can thing of but you have the personal freedom to hurt yourself and you have a personal freedom to help yourself.


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## Playful Proxy (Feb 6, 2012)

I don't feel like considering it as an option is bad. From what I've read here, however, as you've stated, this isn't a tomorrow, next week, next month kind of deal. I know exactly how you feel and I think I'm in a very similar place. The thing I've done for the time being is asked, "Is there any open doors that could possibly alleviate this, regardless of how painful/hard?" The answer for me, is yes. And I've got one final door I'm following. It has been and will be hard as hell. And if things fall apart, I can officially say I gave it everything I had and I'll be able to end it saying I tried my best. If you gave everything of yourself and it wasn't enough, you cannot blame yourself, your family cannot blame you, and neither can anyone else who truly understands the situation. 

Make sure you've exhausted everything. It's not about if a door is unexplored, it's about if that one door, could have made life potentially better for you and your family than the option you are considering. That one door may hurt a lot, though, but if what you're going through is truly torture, you've done worse already. Any pain I endure these days other than 'it' hurts, but all I need to do is compare it to 'it' for it to dull.


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## drmiller100 (Dec 3, 2011)

Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255National Suicide Prevention Lifeline


There are people who want to help manning that phone number 24x7. I have friends who work there, paid and volunteer.

call. 

You will feel better and they can help.


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## Polexia (Apr 22, 2014)

My father committed suicide 4,5 years ago. The pain doesn't go away it jut changes in intensity. There are still days when I wake up with a feeling of extreme sadness that he is gone. There are still days were I can't even look at his picture cause it's too painful. 

My sister said it pretty well not to long ago: suicide doesn't remove pain it just transfers pain. (To the survivors).

I have been where you are. I have look at suicide as a "rational" solution to problems and pain, but it's not a rational solution. Not really. 

You say you feel you're a burden for your parents now, but how do you really think thy will feel if you leave them holding the emotional bag? 

Also, who knows what's a head? It might get better. It might get worse.

Are there other ways you can work on your issues?


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