# Poll : how comfortable are you with the fact of never having children ?



## Temple (Aug 18, 2020)

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## Hexigoon (Mar 12, 2018)

I'd only want to have a kid if I know they'll be raised in an optimal environment that will promote their well-being and potential. The mother has to be of good character too... responsible and sensible and whom I'd trust as a parental figure. Otherwise, I'd rather not, I'll be okay.


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## islandlight (Aug 13, 2013)

Okay, maybe a lot of women regret not having children. But apparently 7 or 8 percent of people who do have children, regret having children. Imagine what their lives and their children's lives are like. Just respect the fact that some people aren't cut out for it.

Personally, I never had the urge to pass on my genes or have a Mini Me. As for babies, I don't hate them, but I really don't see what's to like about them.


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## Scoobyscoob (Sep 4, 2016)

YvonneZemski said:


> Frankly if you have a link to a conclusive scientific study on the subject, I'd be glad to skim through it, if only to see the explanations each sex gives. But the male/female difference you pointed where the females had all the regrets can be explained by a lot of things and not just biology or "woman's nature" as you put it. I don't agree 100% to any biological reasoning anyway.


There wouldn't be any explanation given other than a hypothesis on the why. The most obvious explanation would be due to human biology, but without testing that, in which case I don't know how you could control the variables in a study to that extent, it would be pure speculation. I said it's almost like it's in nature and that was speculation on my part and definitely not anything conclusive. Also, as far as I can recall every copy of the paper is behind a paywall and for good reason. If I can get the name of the lead researchers some time in the future, I'll send the names to you and you can ask them yourself directly. Until then, most of such studies are behind a paywall so unless you're at university it's kind of inaccessible, for pretty damn good reasons.


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## High5 (Sep 4, 2020)

YvonneZemski said:


> Out of curiosity, and please feel free to explain and start a discussion about it.


I like kids, but I couldn't eat a whole one. LMAO


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## Temple (Aug 18, 2020)

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## 545769 (Apr 3, 2019)

Scoobyscoob said:


> Basically, it's completely normal for women to want to have kids with a man they love and you know, start a family. It's almost like it's in a woman's nature to desire as such.


I actually agree with this comment completely. But I realize it’s a controversial topic.


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## UraniaIsis (Nov 26, 2014)

My reproductive instinct is declining. Various life circumstances have been very discouraging. Not being where I feel I should be for my age and location in money, property, connections/support, and resources have increased my discouragement. Finding and keeping my potential mate as I age, yet another factor.

I am evolving more to the point where I'd rather babysit and hop the kid up on sugar and hand him or her off back to his or her parents and enjoy my full night's sleep. /half-joking

My boyfriend and I are in mutual agreement that fostering or adopting are still on the table if my crappy ovaries can't render good eggs. Perhaps he will be open to becoming a mentor. With his shade of ASD, I don't think being a full-time parent would be good for him. But I could be wrong. We'll wait until he becomes an uncle for the second third time and the babysitting tests begin. Who knows. Maybe I'll fail and he'll succeed. He's already an awesome uncle and that six year old emotionally wears him down quick enough as it is without the intellectual satisfaction. 😆


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

YvonneZemski said:


> Out of curiosity, and please feel free to explain and start a discussion about it.


I am male and while I'm not exactly okay with it, at this point, I don't see as I have much of a choice in the matter. 
I'm 50 and divorced. One of the reasons I got divorced was my future ex wife told me before we got married that she wanted kids. 
Then a couple of years later she dropped the bomb that she had changed her mind. It wasn't exactly a dealbreaker for me, but it certainly took some of the steam out of the relationship.


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## Roslyn (Aug 2, 2018)

tanstaafl28 said:


> I am male and while I'm not exactly okay with it, at this point, I don't see as I have much of a choice in the matter.
> I'm 50 and divorced. One of the reasons I got divorced was my future ex wife told me before we got married that she wanted kids.
> Then a couple of years later she dropped the bomb that she had changed her mind. It wasn't exactly a dealbreaker for me, but it certainly took some of the steam out of the relationship.


You have a choice. You could adopt or get a surrogate. If it's important to you, it's still a logical option.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

Roslyn said:


> You have a choice. You could adopt or get a surrogate. If it's important to you, it's still a logical option.


I'm not taking care of a child alone. I am just taking care of me at this point. I suppose I wanted children with a genetic link to me.


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## Roslyn (Aug 2, 2018)

tanstaafl28 said:


> I'm not taking care of a child alone. I am just taking care of me at this point. I suppose I wanted children with a genetic link to me.


You don't want to, then don't. But I did say surrogate. It would be genetically linked to you. Or generally, that's how it works.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

Roslyn said:


> You don't want to, then don't. But I did say surrogate. It would be genetically linked to you. Or generally, that's how it works.


I'm getting too old for raising kids now. I dreamed of doing it with my ex. Thanks for fighting for me.


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## Guest (Sep 5, 2020)

contradictionary said:


> I saw justifications. Justifications. Justifications.
> 
> Which is fine, you are all grown adult, you (think you) know what is best for you regardless of everything.
> 
> You will find the painful truth against your justifications, much later.


Thanks for the reminder. 

Having child(dren) is a terribly painful experience. YET it is also very rewarding because life is beautiful and having the chance in contributing to create new life had given me the purposeful life I yearn. Which I believe most of us do.

Some few don't, which is okay, more power to them. I wish they would eventually find their life meaning somewhere else.


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## Scoobyscoob (Sep 4, 2016)

Sweet but Psycho said:


> I actually agree with this comment completely. But I realize it’s a controversial topic.


It's not a controversial topic in and of itself. It's when lawmakers take such studies and try to pass laws around it, that it becomes a huge problem because it's discrimination and in the US, is discrimination against a protected class.


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

steffyb said:


> Thanks for the reminder.
> 
> Having child(dren) is a terribly painful experience. YET it is also very rewarding because life is beautiful and having the chance in contributing to create new life had given me the purposeful life I yearn. Which I believe most of us do.
> 
> Some few don't, which is okay, more power to them. I wish they would eventually find their life meaning somewhere else.


Why are you quoting yourself here and talking to yourself as if you're another person?


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## Guest (Sep 8, 2020)

WickerDeer said:


> Why are you quoting yourself here and talking to yourself as if you're another person?


Why are you doing what you are doing? I am offering a relevant but different perspective in a tactful, polite and respectful way. You can't stand different perspective??


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

steffyb said:


> Why are you doing what you are doing? I am offering a relevant but different perspective in a tactful, polite and respectful way. You can't stand different perspective??


Why am I asking you why you're quoting yourself? Because I want to know why you're quoting yourself and talking to yourself as if you're another person.

However, if you don't want to talk about it then that's fine. So long as you're engaging in the thread in a respectful manner then there's no problem. 

It just struck me as odd. Anyway--if you were trying to clarify what you meant in a respectful way, then I think it's great. Your second response to your quote seems much more respectful. If that's what you were trying to do then I suppose I should compliment you for your respectful sharing of your views (in the post I quoted).


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## ImpossibleHunt (May 30, 2020)

I'm a male, and I eventually want kids. However, I'm in no rush.
Honestly, I don't see much point to life if you don't have kids at some point.


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## SheriGoddart75 (Sep 14, 2020)

When I was a teenager, I thought that I wanted a child and this is my direct responsibility. BUT, then my parents all the time forced me to be with my younger brothers and sisters. Now I understand that I do not want to have a child. Recently, my nephew was visiting me. Just one day. And I happily returned to a quiet apartment after his departure.


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## Wisteria (Apr 2, 2015)

I'm not comfortable with the thought of having children just now, but i am also very uncomfortable at the thought of not being able to have children.

I thought i was fine with not having children until recently where my period hadn't arrived and I got scared about becoming infertile. That's when i realised i don't want the choice being taken away from me. 

I am scared about having kids for many reasons, mostly around thinking i am not fit to be a parent. But also scared of losing my fertility. So it is not exactly a yes/no answer for me.


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## Eugenia Shepherd (Nov 10, 2017)

I'm only as comfortable having children, as I am (would be) with my partner.
I wouldn't want them unless I was _already_ in incredibly good standing with someone I committed to.
Otherwise I wouldn't really mind if I discovered I was infertile, or even if I had my tubes tied.
I think I'd be a decently solid parent, though... my own mother was an excellent role model,
and I could only hope to offer the same effort in terms of concern, mentoring, and creating mutual trust, to my own.


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## Meliodas (Nov 16, 2016)

I'd like to imagine that I could rise to the occasion.


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## 17041704 (May 28, 2020)

I don't want a child.
Can't bear the thought that one day my kid comes to me and ask "Why did you bring me to this fucked up world?"


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## oliviaofneptune (Jun 26, 2014)

I do and don't want a child.. it's something I think about often as a female in my mid-20s. There are some really strong pros _and_ cons to it, and in the end I think it's just going to be up to whether it's a lifestyle I want or not.

Pros:

I want the experience of having a biological child
I've always been good with kids. Not with more than a few at a time because my energy for social interaction is very limited, but one on one time with children is precious to me
I think I would be a good mother
I would love to have grandchildren
I would love for my parents to be grandparents

Cons:

I have chronic pain and pretty limited energy, and so does my partner
I'm happy with the amount of time I have just for myself and my partner
I don't like loud noises
I don't like being responsible for people (unless it's for a pet or a baby.. so I guess this point makes no sense)
I don't like having to clean all the time
_I feel like humans are fucked and it doesn't feel right to subject a new person to it. _Even though bringing more smart people into the world will be a benefit, it's not a guarantee that society will turn around for the better. I'm mostly referring to the climate crisis in case that wasn't clear.
Children are expensive as hell and I want to live a comfortable lifestyle without having to worry about daycare, college education, etc.

It's a really hard thing for me to think about because I really do want to be a mother, but there are future consequences I have to think about, and I have to think about how having a child (and raising one) will affect me physically over the long term. When I was a kid I thought maybe I would be a mother by now because my mom was 2 years younger than me when she had me, but I realized how different my trajectory is from hers and how focused I am on school/career at this stage of my life.


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## Zionas (Apr 30, 2019)

INFP 4w5. I often find little kids really cute and love squeezing their cheeks. I see much of what’s wrong with society and I’m a rebel in many ways, but one of the things that society still, to a fair degree, “expects” and that (or maybe two depending on your perception) I’m not quite willing to forfeit is getting married and having a kid or kids. I come from a broken family where my folks were too preoccupied with their own demons and insecurities to give me a family that I could lean on, so I’m pretty determined to get things right for myself and my future generations so as to rectify their failures. And I view it as more important than having a “career”, something else that this dominant SF and ST society expects from people. I view it as an important part of this life of mine to do some much needed “house cleaning”, to give my kid or kids what I didn’t have growing up so they’ll be able to become better and healthier human beings than I was ever given the opportunity to become. Of course, if they’re misfits one way or another they’ve got a papa and hopefully their mom that will understand them fully because I (and maybe my wife as well) will know how it feels.

I’n currently 24 and my wish is to get married before I’m 30. I don’t want to wait too long. I’ve got friends, some engaged, some married, in their 30s and 40s who’ve gone through breakups in their thirties and I don’t want to repeat their footsteps. I don’t want to wait too long and be too old by the time I’m a dad and a grandpa. My older male friend only had kids when he was 48, by the time he becomes a grandpa (depending on how old his kids are when and if they get married) he may or may not be around to see his grandkids and certainly not his great grandkids. He’s an INFJ with a long history of relationships with women, really experienced in the sexual department too, ended up marrying late and frankly isn’t doing too well because he choose a much younger and incompatible woman out of his sex drive.

A lot of people who are bachelors / bachelorettes or think they will be when they’re in their 20s, 30s, some into their 40s will think they’ve got it all and things will always remain this way for them. However, once they get older, their health starts to show more complications, and they just aren’t as filled with energy as they were in their younger days, they’ll hardly have anyone or anything to look after them or look forward to. Their friends (at least some of which will undoubtedly start families at one point), hobbies, pets or whatever can only give them so much. I wouldn’t want to burden my kids when I’m old but it’s much nicer knowing that they will be around if I ever need them, that I’ve made something by having them live their own happy lives (hopefully with grandkids and great grandkids by then). I’d much prefer that than moving into a high-end retirement home or some similar arrangement.

Having someone to look after me in old age is the purely practical side of things. I’d want my inheritance to go towards my kids and grandkids and so on. What matters a lot more to me is, again, the emotional factor. Knowing that my genetics and more importantly, my wisdom will be passed on to someone, to another life that I have personally taken part in rearing and making that biological contribution, and the fruit of my love with my wife.

Maybe some people are indeed able to pull off a childless, or even unmarried life and find some kind of fulfillment from it. However, if you’re thinking you can pull it off, you’re less likely to become another Mother Theresa (or similar kind of figure) than having the odds in your favor. Maybe it’s okay up to a certain age, but then my bets are that the majority of people past a certain age will start to feel that missing void in their lives. It’s a personal choice, yes it is, but not one that I’d necessarily approve of or recommend.

So I guess in this sense I’m still a traditionalist, but I’m making the choice to get married and have a family because I want to, not because of some “societal obligation” (though I bet by the time I’m 26-27 my mom will start being anxious over my marital status, and one day I could see myself doing the same for my kids lol). No matter how many “close friends” I’ll end up having, I want my wife to be my best friend and I believe that a happy marriage should be the foundation for raising kids well. I feel it even more strongly when I look at my own folks’ situation (when they were still married, but that’s a long story).

Whether you end up getting married / having kids or not, it’s a bit of a gamble without a 100% success rate. However, I feel taking the path less traveled, in this case, is one that could lead to a greater sense of loss. There are more ways it could go wrong than hopefully marrying a good person. What if my kids turn out in all the wrong ways? I’d rather not think too much about that but I’d be inclined to feel that if my wife and I are able to do a good job raising them with the right morals, values that will guide them in making the best possible decisions, that the odds will be in my (our) favor.

Even I at times struggle to comprehend the necessity of a piece of paper to demonstrate commitment towards the person I’ve chosen to spend my life with, but then I’m not entirely ready to forego marriage as an institution so I’ll end up doing it anyway. Not a fan of weddings though.

Youth, at least physically, will not last forever. And it’s too much of a risk to not have a life companion (in the marital sense) and kids in your life once you’re older. And somewhere deep within me I know that things at the end of the day will turn out well for me.

If governments around the world gave more help to people getting married and starting families instead of spending that same money on defense budgets (F-35, anyone?) and promoting soulless corporatism, then we’d be living in a much happier world.

I want to safeguard the innocence of my children, something my folks were never able to do for me because well.... they had too many issues of their own. And I don’t care if I’m not sounding politically correct in this day and age but I believe that the nucleus of a family consists of a biologically male parent and a biologically female parent (regardless of who wears the pants or who plays the more “dominant” role). I could be wearing an evening gown but it won’t change the fact that I am the dad and that my kids have a mom and a dad rather than two moms.


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## Katie Koopa (Jun 25, 2014)

I'm fine with never having kids. Any offspring of mine would probably turn out messed up anyway.


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## theablekingathelstan (Oct 27, 2020)

i don't care. i don't like kids, so i won't have them.


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## UniversalIndividual (Nov 16, 2020)

I'm not sure if I'll have children. Thereby, making it apparent child-rearing shan't be in my nearest future. Children should be raised with quality education because knowledge is power, financial security because money is power, nurturing healthcare because physical strength and health are power, and parents that emotionally, intellectually, and professionally support them to make them become civilised citizens once their parents have passed away. Which is why I'm cautious about whenever I'll have children.


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## BigApplePi (Dec 1, 2011)

BigApplePi said:


> "Honor thy father and thy mother" I always say.
> 
> I did get around to asking my parents if they were interested in having any children. Both of them told me no, they had decided to never have any. They couldn't take the chance that their genes would express the insanity in their ancestry. That leaves me out in the cold with the hard position of having to explain myself.
> 
> I'm going to have to pass this information onto to my sister and see what she thinks. Sanity is a luxury I cannot afford.


I must have been in a mood when I posted that plus being evasive not answering the question.

It is too late for us to have children (over the age). This is one question for which had we gone the other way would have changed my life. I was afraid of having children as my parents did not give good lessons. I was always afraid I would not know what to do with a child. If I had married a woman eager for children I would have done it. I have this (weak) desire to know what I would get but by now who knows? A lot would depend on the personality of the boy or girl. At the beginning my wife and I talked about it but she had trepidations. She was forced, she claimed, to take care of her sister growing up and didn't like it. So it turned out we have no children. Too late to live my life over so I don't know what more to say. Actually I do have more to say but will hold off for now.


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## HAL (May 10, 2014)

Probably not gonna be a dad.

I'm 32 now and don't feel any more ready than I did when I was 22. I just feel like it would be the worst thing to happen to me. I know people say kids are great, but we aren't all the same. My vision of fatherhood is basically 18+ years of having no control over my own life, 18+ years of performing the same daily ritual of work, school runs, etc, to ensure my kids have a stable life, 18+ years of putting my entire existence on hold. And there's the risk that the kids don't turn out how you'd hoped. Imagine spending 18+ years of your life on raising a kid, only for him/her to become a pure shit of a human. You never know if it's going to happen to you or not (and it isn't just about good/bad parenting - most large families have better or worse behaved kids among their children, so obviously there are tons of other factors beyond simply how you raise your kids).

It just sounds like so much sacrifice and uncertainty. Some people thrive on it, on the commitment, connection, etc, but I would just feel trapped.

I've reached a point where I'm 99% sure I won't ever have kids.


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## taixfai (Mar 30, 2020)

I'm perfectly fine with it: I don't want children. LOL


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## UraniaIsis (Nov 26, 2014)

The closer I get to 40, the less bothered I feel. What I couldn't do in my younger years I now get to indirectly become involved with through volunteering and donations. Not rushing into birthing now makes me available to those who already exist.


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## New Englander (Jul 27, 2020)

Actually people now prefer the term "child free" because the explanation was that childless was something they (couple, singles) couldn't have but wanted. These people wanted their life free of children though that may sound a certain way for some. But I think it would be better to adopt a different term because I think "childless" gives people the impression of something being lost or missing.

Anyway, I chose I'm fine with being "childless" though these topics and others where you are thinking outside the majority can bring harassment and violence some places. Imagine 2021 when I think that things like this, gay marrage and even marijuana would be in danger of getting you locked up through sheer smearing. Anywho... I think the internet provides a whole different reality than when you step outside your door? Which the internet is full of trolls too. Who knows I may get a stalker from this post alone. Lurkers...Freedom of expression and opinions... this is America, right?


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## eeo (Aug 25, 2020)

I don't mind the term "childless".


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