# Limerence: A facet of paracosm?



## Heyoka (Feb 24, 2013)

First thing is first; Hello  I am new here (obviously) and before I delve any further about myself, I wanted to discuss this topic. 

On the topic of limerence; I have seen multiple discussions here regarding this relatively unknown, or rather unpopular, topic. What is limerence? 

By definition, Limerence is "is an involuntary state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person combined with an overwhelming, obsessive need to have one's feelings reciprocated". While I am all for empirical evidence, limerence is one of the few phenomena that cannot be fully understood unless someone has experienced it for themselves. It is a tsunami of emotional upheavals and down spirals; mostly down spirals for me it seems, however 


I have researched the topic excessively for the last month and a half, never even knowing of the terms existence until I decided to do some research into my somewhat obsessive thoughts of my LO (limerent object, though I sometimes call it love object :sad Dorothy Tennov is a psychologist who coined this term around 1979 and has repeated in her book that limerence is not to be diagnosed as a mental disorder. I am a strong believer in language and creating words to summarize things that a string of sentences simply cannot accomplish, and limerence is a word to better describe a mere "infatuation". 


Now, what does limerence have to do with paracosm? Paracosm, for the record, is when children create extravagant fantasy worlds in their head in which they create languages, characters, and societies. Excellent writers have been thought to have used paracosm to express their creativity when creating worlds, such as J. R. R Tolkien when creating Middle Earth. Children are thought to create paracosm in reaction to the death of a loved one early in their childhood and use it to process the information. This makes sense to me as I lost my father at a very early age. Individuals such as myself carry paracosm usage into adulthood and use it for a variety of reasons. Many studies have been done on paracosm and link it to high intelligence, creativity, and a useful (and fun) defence mechanism when sorting out inner problems. Not saying I am a highly intelligent savant or anything, just that paracosm IS NOT NECESSARILY an UNHEALTHY thing.


I decided to give very brief definitions of the two subjects due to the amount of time I have available and how badly I want to get this theory across. When I come back I will delve into the two topics more, but for now I state my case: Limerence is just another aspect of paracosm. Now, am I saying all sufferers of limerence experienced paracosm as a child? Not necessarily. Rather, I am saying limerence is a FORM of paracosm. Both use archetypes in order to fantasize something not currently available in reality and are both affected by reality, meaning paracosm worlds are usually affected by things that happen to the subject in the "real" world. The same would apply to limerence. Small signals, even insignificant signals created by the limerent person, fuel the fantasy archetype of the LO and thus fueling the limerence altogether. 

Limerence is thought to be built on uncertainty and hope. A rather fine line between extreme despair and euphoric splendor. A bipolar specturm of emotions ultimately based in fantasy. While most people creating paracosmal worlds know that their worlds are fantasy, Limerence is more mixed. Each circumstance is different for each person, so the strength and endurance of limerence is relative to that experience. I feel that people like myself use aspect of paracosm and use it unknowingly to fulfill desires not accomplished in the real world and using that uncertainty and hope that perhaps my fantasy can actually be real, I cling onto those thoughts. 


I have been slowly getting over my LO each day with this theory in mind and it has been working. I still have some mild attachment to them, but in time I know it will ultimately dissipate. 


What are your thoughts on the subject?


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## shakti (Oct 10, 2012)

Hi there and welcome :happy: As someone who is prone to a mild version of limerence or at least something similar to it, I found your explanation very interesting, thank you...had never heard of paracosms before! I have always fantasised quite a bit, though never to the point of imagining up an entirely new world...my fantasies are usually very realistic, i.e. about situations that could easily happen (and often do). The same goes for my sort-of-limerent fantasies, so what you say about using this "paracosmic limerence" to fulfil desires not accomplished in the real world is soooooo true, and think this is something that NFs are especially prone to. Are you a NF too? :happy:


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## Tad Cooper (Apr 10, 2010)

That's very interesting! I believe I've experienced both as well. I can make up fantastical world in my head without trying and can live in them, but usually can catch myself doing it and stop myself. My twin sister is quite similar in that way (she wants to be a writer and we both come up with very strange worlds without any effort). 
I was wondering if this could also be reflected in dreams? I have far weird/surreal dreams than anyone I know except my sister.


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## Heyoka (Feb 24, 2013)

shakti said:


> are especially prone to. Are you a NF too? :happy:


I am an INTP, if that answers your question  I am not too familiar with the whole personality type thing yet... still in the beta stage


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## brittauzenne (Feb 8, 2013)

Heyoka said:


> First thing is first; Hello  I am new here (obviously) and before I delve any further about myself, I wanted to discuss this topic.
> 
> On the topic of limerence; I have seen multiple discussions here regarding this relatively unknown, or rather unpopular, topic. What is limerence?
> 
> ...


Hello. I find this topic to be very interesting, I dont know how much Ill have to say about it though. But Limerence. Today would me first day hearing about it, and the other thing that starts with a P. But I think I've felt this but I don't think its a good thing. Sounds like feeling a certain way about someone without having control or maybe not knowing how to act on certain feelings. This is definitely an obsessive kind of thing I'd say. So we could maybe say that being limerent is equivalent to being goggly on someone without really having reciprocation. If Ive experienced this, I snap out of it when I realize there's no reciprocation. I think it happened once. But idk, I feel like it sounds a lot more mysterious than it really is. When its happening, its really a sign that you have a problem, and are not in some form of healthy love. Sounds like Limerence would suck, really lol


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## Heyoka (Feb 24, 2013)

brittauzenne said:


> Hello. I find this topic to be very interesting, I dont know how much Ill have to say about it though. But Limerence. Today would me first day hearing about it, and the other thing that starts with a P. But I think I've felt this but I don't think its a good thing. Sounds like feeling a certain way about someone without having control or maybe not knowing how to act on certain feelings. This is definitely an obsessive kind of thing I'd say. So we could maybe say that being limerent is equivalent to being goggly on someone without really having reciprocation. If Ive experienced this, I snap out of it when I realize there's no reciprocation. I think it happened once. But idk, I feel like it sounds a lot more mysterious than it really is. When its happening, its really a sign that you have a problem, and are not in some form of healthy love. Sounds like Limerence would suck, really lol



Limerence is more than an obsession. It's more than infatuation. Hence why it is called limerence, and not an obsession or infatuation. Believe me, if you have experienced it you would know. It is not something pleasant nor something I enjoy, but alas through suffering comes wisdom. 

As for your statement about it being a "sign you have a problem", Dorothy Tennov implored otherwise. She said multiple times it was not meant to be "just another diagnosis", which I agree whole-heartily.


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## Thalassa (Jun 10, 2010)

"Sufferers" of limerence?? LOL. OMG.

Limerence is a totally natural and normal state that people feel, even when entering mutual, lasting romantic relationships that lead to stable marriages and children.

While the elevation of limerence as a goal (which would keep one moving from crush to crush, in an immature manner) would be pretty dysfunctional, most people experience it, and it's one of the fun, exciting parts of life.

Yeah, so maybe sometimes limerence is unrequited and you suffer, but don't refer to it as if it's something to be cured, don't drink the kool-aid of making absolutely EVERYTHING into a disease.

HAHAHA.

People aren't robots, friend.


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## Thalassa (Jun 10, 2010)

brittauzenne said:


> Hello. I find this topic to be very interesting, I dont know how much Ill have to say about it though. But Limerence. Today would me first day hearing about it, and the other thing that starts with a P. But I think I've felt this but I don't think its a good thing. Sounds like feeling a certain way about someone without having control or maybe not knowing how to act on certain feelings. This is definitely an obsessive kind of thing I'd say. So we could maybe say that being limerent is equivalent to being goggly on someone without really having reciprocation. If Ive experienced this, I snap out of it when I realize there's no reciprocation. I think it happened once. But idk, I feel like it sounds a lot more mysterious than it really is. When its happening, its really a sign that you have a problem, and are not in some form of healthy love. Sounds like Limerence would suck, really lol


Um, this assessment is incorrect; some suggest that limerence is actually a necessary part of pair bonding in couples.


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## littleblackdress (Feb 24, 2013)

Hmmm ENTP here - I would say yes to limerence, and yes to paracosm... I think, however, that the two maybe unrelated... in that limerence is likely to happen with relative frequency and those who have paracosm are likely to experience it just as those who don't have paracosmic experiences are still likely to experience limerence. Just a guess, though.


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## Thalassa (Jun 10, 2010)

littleblackdress said:


> Hmmm ENTP here - I would say yes to limerence, and yes to paracosm... I think, however, that the two maybe unrelated... in that limerence is likely to happen with relative frequency and those who have paracosm are likely to experience it just as those who don't have paracosmic experiences are still likely to experience limerence. Just a guess, though.


Agreed. I'm afraid people in this thread don't even fully understand what limerence is. Even though some people never experience limerencce, it's apparently frequently present in early stages of lasting relationships, the initial crazy pair bonding phase, before you transfer from being "in love" to a more lasting agape love.

It's not 100% necessary, of course, but it's a powerful bonding state, and the intrusive thoughts aren't necessarily built up into a huge paracosm fantasy world; in fact you can feel limerence for a person who spends a great deal of time with you, every day even, and it can simply make their actual presence seem more intense, it doesn't necessarily mean you have to be alone, fantasizing and obsessing.

However, I think once you've experienced limerence, and that kind of bonding happens long-term, I would say a minimum of six months to a year or longer, it makes it very painful for the bond to end. I think it's an extremely deep form of pair-bonding.

I am still in limerence with a person I've known for three years, and because we bonded every day for about a year and a half of that time, it prolonged what may have easily been dissolved had no real bonding ever happened; I'm saying that my feelings of limerence for him probably would have disappeared long ago had there never been actual pair bonding and emotional intimacy.

Of course you can experience limerence for a person who never even speaks to you, and in that case, usually something more resembling paracosm may form, because otherwise the state of limerence would have to disappear entirely, or would become unbearable.

Limerence and infatuation actually are about the same thing, they are the "in love" feelings, versus "love." It's just that infatuation is something associated with teens and young people that is immature and fleeting, and limerence can be a long lasting thing, and is apparently pretty frequently present early in actual, lasting adult relationships and marriages.

In the event that limerence is projected on to a person where there is no pair bonding at all, and paracosm increases, I can see how it could definitely slip into pathology.

However, limerence isn't pathological in and of itself, it's quite common.


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## Thalassa (Jun 10, 2010)

K. Just looked up paracosm, and I have definitely NEVER experienced paracosm in relation to limerence. In fact that sounds scary. Your own geography and language? It doesn't just sound like wishful thinking, or remembering things about a person you felt limerence for, that sounds kind of disturbing if it was allowed to get out of hand, given the obsessive nature of limerence.

So my answer is no, it is definitely not a sub-set of paracosm, but probably occurs frequently in people who experience paracosm. 

Like what the ENTP said, that people can experience limerence without paracosm but probably experience limerance more if they are already prone to paracosm.


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## brittauzenne (Feb 8, 2013)

fourtines said:


> assessment is incorrect


ok, ill take that. i was bored when i 1st responded tho and was just talking...i think i rmr putting a disclaimer. but what u said is interesting and sounds possible. im learning in my life that theres all kinds of forces that dictate what happens in relationships and a situation in my life has brought me to a place where i wouldnt doubt what you said, not one tiny bit ;]


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