# Avoiding confrontation and disputes.



## Aßbiscuits (Oct 8, 2009)

Like most of you have suggested, I'm an intense person. However I don't embrace conflict unless someone has crossed my lines, disrespected me, has been ignorant, distasteful, annoying, rude or generally says something I don't like. I can't let things go, I have _always_ been this way. I'm always fucking angry, it's like my prominent emotion and I'm always ready for a fight. Most of the time I just would prefer to get along with everyone though because it can be stressful always being on guard, having no respect for my peers because they have no respect for me, disagreeing with what most people say to me.....I'm hard to fucking please, so what? At least I don't settle for being a doormat or anyone thinking they can give me bullshit. 

I'm always getting into disputes at the drop of a hat, no matter how great my mood is, no matter how great things are going, it doesn't depend on my state, if you piss me off or say something I don't like I'll stand up for my views, for myself, for the people being insulted full force, no holding back. It's hard to be this way....seriously. So I've learned to just shut my mouth and give people the cold shoulder if they piss me off but I still run into confrontations regularly, I seem to piss people off just as much as they piss me off. How the hell can I avoid this? I'm pretty clueless. It's just something I've never understood. 

Also, it's not all my fault, people seem to be on the defense around me too because at one stage probably anyone I know has witnessed me stand up for a view I have (or "lash out"). If someone tells a racist joke "Shut your fucking mouth", a joke about rape "You're fucking sick", a comment about my choices (whether it's not drinking, choosing to sleep with the same sex, the clothes I wear, the music I listen to...etc) "If I gave a shit I'd ask you what you thought".

Or worse of all if I hear someone saying something I disagree with in regards to my beliefs I stand up for them and anyone else who has them because they just sit there and let them share the popular belief most people already know. We need to be heard not sit around like pussies, we need to assert ourselves, aren't people fed up of the more popular opinions being the only ones expressed by now? The conversation gets heavy and the mood is destroyed and I end up feeling like an idiot. I don't understand why they can't just respect me, they know what I dislike by now. This just makes things stressful for myself and gives people reasons to not respect me. I won't agree with someone unless I actually think they're right, I'm not a fucking lick-ass bitch.

But I still think sitting in silence is worse so what the hell can I do? If you're going to give me advise, since that's what I'm asking for, telling me to count to ten, to just let go and move on, to turn the other cheek, *no*, just don't. I've tried. Any tips at all? Even just knowing someone else experiences this would be nice.


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## Erbse (Oct 15, 2010)

Accept people for who and what they are. Most will rank somewhere between douchebag, idiot, simpleton and more of the like. That way there isn't a need for you to express yourself. Hang out with them for what they're good for, for what they provide, knowing well you'll never get intellectual stimulation though. You don't have to lower your own standards in order to do that but simply come to terms with the reality that his how life will be for most part.

Dropping your self entitlement may also help. Understanding that your opinion, because it may be different, isn't any more special than anyone else's, however shallow other's may be. An opinion is just that, an opinion. It alters from person to person and yields no value unless specifically asked for. This means that if anyone seriously values your opinion on something, they'll approach and ask you, otherwise it's a waste of energy to state it, let alone argue it. There's a saying "opinions are like assholes, everyone has one" - it's pretty accurate as far as I am concerned.

TL;DR: You're not special because of possible non mainstream opinions and generally going against mainstream is a waste of energy - at best it's false pride causing unnecessary struggles. Accept people you hang around with for who/what they are or learn to be by yourself, alternatively start looking for more suitable peers.


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## Promethea (Aug 24, 2009)

Erbse said:


> Dropping your self entitlement may also help. Understanding that your opinion, because it may be different, isn't any more special than anyone else's, however shallow other's may be. An opinion is just that, an opinion. It alters from person to person and yields no value unless specifically asked for. This means that if anyone seriously values your opinion on something, they'll approach and ask you, otherwise it's a waste of energy to state it, let alone argue it. There's a saying "opinions are like assholes, everyone has one" - it's pretty accurate as far as I am concerned.


Just because everyone has an opinion, doesn't mean that all opinions are equal. Some opinions are a lot more stupid than others. If a person can refute someone's stupid opinion on something, then its the more valuable one in that situation.

Also, some people are natured differently from those who believe that all of humanity is on the same level, and that none of us are any "better" than anyone else. I see no reason to want to drag them down. The petty act of "putting someone in their place" _simply because they are prideful_ is just an ego battle launched by the little man, to try to feel bigger. They are just as motivated by ego, as the person who they are trying to take down as few notches.


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## Erbse (Oct 15, 2010)

Promethea said:


> Just because everyone has an opinion, doesn't mean that all opinions are equal. Some opinions are a lot more stupid than others. If a person can refute someone's stupid opinion on something, then its the more valuable one in that situation.
> 
> Also, some people are natured differently from those who believe that all of humanity is on the same level, and that none of us are any "better" than anyone else. I see no reason to want to drag them down. The petty act of "putting someone in their place" _simply because they are prideful_ is just an ego battle launched by the little man, to try to feel bigger. They are just as motivated by ego, as the person who they are trying to take down as few notches.


I am not saying that all opinions have the same value, but I'm saying that everyone has the privilege and same right (entitlement) as oneself in terms of expressing it, however stupid it may be at any given moment. My point simply is that it is a waste of energy to go up against it, as most people don't possess the gift of abstract thinking, certainly not in the environment I live in. So from personal experience and estimation I can say it's better to keep to yourself and be content with yourself - especially before attempting to set others straight or meddle in their businesses more than your own.

If anything knowledge and information is valuable and shouldn't be stuffed down peoples throats for free, as I, too had to put in a lot of brainpower in order to figure things out. Needless to say that deeply thought phrases and insights are mere words to others, because they won't see the deeper meaning or simply don't bring the understanding oneself does.

So here are the options you got, clash for the sake of clashing, or accept things for how they work and avoid unnecessary conflict. In fact other people's opinions shouldn't even be of concern for you, unless you care about the person. If you get butthurt because someone "violated" a belief of yours, he has the same right of butthurtness because when you speak up you're treating his with equal disrespect. If anything it strikes me as a vortex of doom and unavoidable conflict until you learn to place yourself outside of it.


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## Promethea (Aug 24, 2009)

Erbse said:


> I am not saying that all opinions have the same value, but I'm saying that everyone has the privilege and same right (entitlement) as oneself in terms of expressing it, however stupid it may be at any given moment. My point simply is that is a waste of energy to go up against it, as most people don't possess the gift of abstract thinking, certainly not in the environment I live in. So from personal experience and estimation I can say it's better to keep to yourself and be content with yourself - especially before attempting to set others straight or meddle in their businesses more than your own.
> 
> If anything knowledge and information is valuable and shouldn't be stuffed down peoples throats for free, as I, too had to put in a lot of brainpower in order to figure things out. Needless to say that deeply thought phrases and insights are mere words to others, because they won't see the deeper meaning or simply don't bring the understanding oneself does.
> 
> So here are the options you got, clash for the sake of clashing, or accept things for how they work and avoid unnecessary conflict. In fact other people's opinions shouldn't even be of concern for you, unless you care about the person. If you get butthurt because someone "violated" a belief of yours, he has the same right of butthurtness because when you speak up you're treating his with equal disrespect. If anything it strikes me of a vortex of doom and unavoidable conflict until you learn to place yourself outside of it.


Some people seem more strongly compelled to speak up and correct stupidity. If they have the energy for it, good for them. Not everyone is afraid of the conflict that it invites. If it seems to work for someone, then I don't see why they should change it.

Picking battles wisely is probably best for a person who doesn't have the energy to take on constant conflict, but, thats just a matter of personal preference.


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## Aßbiscuits (Oct 8, 2009)

Ideally respect should go both ways. I don't think my opinions are more important or "special", I think I should be respected in order to respect them, it's more to do with the principle most of the time than what's actually being said (though, that's almost as important) and how unfair I think it is that they expect respect for having popular opinions while I should expect to be treated whatever way I want for having less popular opinions, this to me would seem like they're the ones who have a sense of entitlement. What I'd be critical of when it comes to my behaviour would be that I fight fire with fire instead of water, but I don't know what the water in this case is without going against my principles.


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## Erbse (Oct 15, 2010)

Promethea said:


> Some people seem more strongly compelled to speak up and correct stupidity. If they have the energy for it, good for them. Not everyone is afraid of the conflict that it invites. If it seems to work for someone, then I don't see why they should change it.
> 
> Picking battles wisely is probably best for a person who doesn't have the energy to take on constant conflict, but, thats just a matter of personal preference.


Certainly, but the topic was brought up by a person that either doesn't have the energy anymore to do so, or simply wants to rise above it. In both cases what I've written is the best advice I can give. Whether or not she happens to consider it, let alone is capable of letting it happen eventually (actually living / practicing it) is an entirely different question.

Last but not least because I what I state is mere opinion as well, but I know first hand that it works :tongue:


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## Promethea (Aug 24, 2009)

Erbse said:


> Certainly, but the topic was brought up by a person that either doesn't have the energy anymore to do so, or simply wants to rise above it. In both cases what I've written is the best advice I can give. Whether or not she happens to consider it, let alone is capable of letting it happen eventually (actually living / practicing it) is an entirely different question.
> 
> Last but not least because I what I state is mere opinion as well, but I know first hand that it works :tongue:


Fair enough. I feel like I'm going to explode when I suppress it too much, personally.


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## Aßbiscuits (Oct 8, 2009)

Promethea said:


> Fair enough. I feel like I'm going to explode when I suppress it too much, personally.


Same. And when I do explode that just makes the whole situation worse off. And to top things off I'm resorting to smoking every time I get annoyed. Smoking, fucking smoking. _Me_. 

Fucking inner conflicts are annoying.


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## Erbse (Oct 15, 2010)

Promethea said:


> Fair enough. I feel like I'm going to explode when I suppress it too much, personally.


I used to be the same way a few years back, being on the epic quest of beating stupidity across the globe, but that's an endless quest, and impossible as it turned out. So I eventually dropped it and focused more on the things I enjoy rather than being pulled down by idioticy. Think I was around 17ish or so, but then mellowed out further. Perhaps being P helps more than being a J in those cases anyway.

Of course I won't hold back if anyone crosses a line which I lay out to them, meaning practice stupidity within a safety area away from me and don't involve me in it, or annoy me with it. Basically, respect my 'my-space' much like I respect yours where you can practice taking dumb to a new level.

I came to the conclusion that I only offer my insights to people that I care for or deem capable of understanding what I have to say, everyone else will just get the normal small talk, assuming they initiate it. Of course I'll also share insights with strangers if they approach me in an appropriate manner. Eventually it still boils down to your peers really, there's a world difference between proper and improper ones and the feeling of resonance helps quite a chunk to remain mellow and laid back - if you happen to constantly involve yourself with idiots, or what you consider as idiots for that matter you're just setting yourself up for disappointment, as it is unlikely they'll wake up a genius at any morning in their life.

So basically, you accept them for what they are and be 'the bigger person making it work' because you can, or you don't want to, in which case you should reduce the amount of time spent with them.

EDIT: Not meaning to be typist, but it also appears to me that Ti - Ni doms (in whatever constellation) happen to be more mature than generic peers within their age bracket, which makes resonating a bit tougher. I for one typically resonate best with people being a good 10 to 20 years older than I, but I've also been in a Ti - Ni loop for most my life, which wasn't exactly wonderful either.


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## devoid (Jan 3, 2011)

About a month ago you came into a thread I had made and posted something completely ignorant of the intentions of the thread, and insulting to me and to others. When asked to leave by both myself, other posters and a moderator, you came back a few days later to post an extremely nasty and rude comment again.

I am glad that you are working on this, and I have noticed that your posts have been significantly more insightful and less disrespectful lately. However, I want you to be aware that responding to something that you disagree with is, in effect, starting something. Everybody is entitled to their own opinion, and when you challenge that (and openly insult them for it), you are the one at fault. The way to avoid this, which I have also had to learn, is to observe how other people respond to things they dislike. Think very carefully about the way you use your words. Instead of, "You're a typist pig" you could say, "In my opinion, that statement sounded slightly typist. Maybe you could explain what you meant more clearly." Sarcasm and witty comebacks are not appropriate when responding to something you disagree with, and they will gain you the title of "immature".

Avoiding open displays of emotion takes practice and a lot of effort, but it is something that everybody has to learn eventually. If you wish to participate in civil conversation, you must learn some amount of diplomacy.


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## Aßbiscuits (Oct 8, 2009)

@hziegel _I never called you a typist_. Not once. Are you still harping on about that? If anything you were rude, I never directed a thing I said towards you, that wasn't a confrontation, that was a misunderstanding and I never followed you around the forum and insulted you like you did me. You went as far as calling me stupid and a bitch. That isn't civil or diplomatic.

Your account of this seems slightly deluded. I merely disagreed and never saw the correlation between personality type and moods. I don't even see how a personality has anything to do with moods. In my opinion they're separate things, I'm sorry I didn't express that in a way that didn't seem confrontational but I was completely unaware I was appearing that way. It was a misunderstanding blown out of proportion. I've had a few of those but they don't bother me as much as not knowing whether to shut up or stand up for myself at all times (which is the problem here, nothing else).


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## devoid (Jan 3, 2011)

See, this is what I'm talking about with diplomacy. I get the feeling that you aren't really interested in changing. It was not a misunderstanding about what you said at all. You were extremely disrespectful, as far as to swear openly. If you really want people to stop getting defensive around you, maybe you should stop insulting them and take a little responsibility for your actions. The world is not going to fall before you in open submission every time you have an emotion that you decide to project on the people around you.


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## Aßbiscuits (Oct 8, 2009)

hziegel said:


> The world is not going to fall before you in open submission every time you have an emotion that you decide to project on the people around you.


I don't even do this. 

People react to my honesty emotionally, not vice versa. I already said my mood, how things are in my life, how my day is going, they don't affect how I'll react to stupidity/rudeness/ignorance/a debate. I'll admit I lack tact but that's not going to change over night, but _in this case _it's when people are saying things I don't like, I don't know whether to express my dislike of their opinion and show that even popular opinions are disagreed with since no-one else says anything or to shut up and say nothing (another problem is I think it's cowardly to do that). If you want to give me advise, I'm sorry if you think this is insulting, but saying "just change" isn't good enough advise for me, it never has been. Because if it was I wouldn't have the problem, not only that but part of the problem is I don't want to change, I'll compromise and make an effort if that's the only thing I can do, but ideally I want to know what to do in these situations, that would be better advise, if anybody has it. Erbse had pretty good advise and I like when people are realistic with me but as I said, I want to see what I can do other than changing and giving in before I consider that option.


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## Aßbiscuits (Oct 8, 2009)

I didn't get into a conflict today and now I feel like _shit_. 

I love going to my cousin's house. I love playing football with them so we went up to the green to play. There were a few girls in the grass shouting at my little cousin, shouting my cousin's name over and over which was fine if not a little annoying. We kept playing. One of the girls said "That's not the way to McDonald's" when my cousin was going towards the ball, because of his weight. Being me I couldn't help it, I simply told them to shut up and fuck off. She was around a year or so younger than me, my cousin is three years younger than me ffs. What a fucking loser (however, in the complexity of social dynamics, hanging with two younger kids is never cool, they had no idea I was just playing some football with my cousin, so I was the loser). It didn't help that they were telling me I had a sexy ass, which, according to my "what's the acceptable thing to say in various situations" radar isn't a very "cool" thing to say. I'm not fat (I've put on more weight because recently I was underweight, but that's the height of it), so why would she say it sarcastically? Wtf? 

Then, another girl joined and they got rowdy since I told them to shut up again, which for me is a calm reaction to picking on someone I care about. She started saying she wanted to fight but she just sat there, I said "if you want to fight don't just sit there" she remained sitting there and we kept playing. Then a group of boys joined them. What happens? They tell the boy I told them to shut up and the boy starts insulting me, he calls me ugly and fat. I don't care. I ignore him. He starts calling my cousin a fat bastard and I...forget what I said, I just got thick. My cousin hits the ball out of the green and I run to get it, I return and the boy is playing in our nets with his top off. What do I say? "nice abs" sarcastically, he thanks me (the idiot) then I say "nothing sexier than a scrawny little man". His friends are angry now and keep insulting my cousin (obviously knowing it would get me going while he ignored it).

In the moment don't know what to do. I could easily take them all on ("hit one, the others run", this is my experience) don't mean to sound cocky but I'm the last person you want to underestimate so easily. They call him a fat bastard one more time, I see the look on his face, it breaks my heart and I walk up to them. They were all insulting, forgot what they were saying. I'm ready to kick shit into them but I see there's lots of younger kids so I ask them aren't they a bit young to be smoking, appalled. Then everyone's shouting some random crap I tell them plainly "if you keept this up, there'll be wigs on this green and it won't be mine" (smooth, right?). They all start asking me if I'm wearing a wig because of my mistake and then one of the girls, who probably thought I was serious tells them to leave me alone. 

The group pick up on this change of atmosphere thanks to the flirty girl (seriously, she says I have a nice ass, she kicks the ball into the bush and says "could you kindly get that please?" whilst twisting her hair and batting her eyelashes, not exaggerating and now she helps the situation, so thanks random frog looking girl). One of them walks me off apologizing, telling me he knows my cousin and says to ignore his friends, then the little bastard tries to kiss me. I'm fucking raging right now. Someone says "I didn't know you did fat ugly chicks this early in the day" or something stupid. I get so angry and so scared of my own anger I walk off, they follow us screaming at us saying we should try weight watchers and I have a huge ass and hips. Oh, did I mention there was adults all around us and they never did a thing? No wonder all the conflict fixing is always up to me and I do a good fucking job of it, too. 

I only go to the shop for a drink, on the way back we meet two of the girls, I stare the fuck out of them, they're scared and they look away, obvious dominance . Then when they're at a distance one of them asks what I'm looking at -_-, have these kids never been in a situation like that to know never to ask that question? I'll never comment on someone's appearance usually but I said "something ugly," of course. She walked into it...she says "y-you must be looking in a mirror then!" and thankfully a group of older boys start booing her. I liked those boys, whoever they were. Anyway, we return and things get even worse, there's more boys. This boy kept asking me to "ride him" and went as far as taking a condom out of his pocket. Did I mention the other person with us was an eleven-year-old, wtf was I meant to do? 

They were horrible and admittedly I let them do something to my confidence. They, for whatever reason, decided I was a foreigner and told me to get back to my own country which, was reassuring, they were obviously just trying their best to insult me not be honest. But still, they actually got to me. I wagered the decision of whether I should tell the kids to go home and let me take care of them but first of all at this stage there were tonnes of them, about fifteen of them, all gathered around us, like fucking vultures, we couldn't play football with them standing around us uttering whatever insult they could think of aloud. I decided, no, no confrontation and we left. The only smooth thing we did was walk off calmly as they kicked balls at us and missed. On the way back my little cousin started to cry _because I couldn't stand up for him_ and he's tough as nails. I did fucking nothing but make a fool of myself, let myself get hurt by their comments and insisted that we ignore them while we play football worsening the situation for everyone.

This is the last time I turn the other cheek. I have never, ever let people treat me this way. I'm disgusted, I never remember, just last year, any of us carrying on like that, treating kids like that, being that obsessed with sex. They were worse than monkeys and more disgusting. I'm so fucking ashamed of myself, there is not way I can avoid conflict if it feels this bad. I've never felt so useless in such a situation. Conflict is necessary for me, at least. I'll never stand for that crap again. My cousin probably won't want to play football with me again, we've been playing on that field everyday there since he could walk, if kids are always picking on him and I can't stand up for him anymore and he saw me crying like a sad whore about it he's not going to want to go near there again with me, useless and unreliable. So, fuck this thread, I'll keep being a brute and getting neck high into nuisances I don't particularly enjoy if it means I'm playing my appropriate role, doing what I'm good at.


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## Erbse (Oct 15, 2010)

You shouldn't avoid just about any conflict, but the unnecessary, meaningless ones. This means if such a thing as above takes place ask them once kindly to stop it, and if they don't it's game time. Nothing wrong with that at all, though it's important to not go overboard in a fit of rage but to bring your point home quick. Say something disturbing with an insane facial expression typically does the trick and people back off.

Battles need to be picked wisely and it's never a nice thing to be in a situation described up above - so my original anti conflict posts for most part aim towards the meaningless fights with peers about values or opinions, rather than being picked on by douches that got nothing better to do than ruining your fun.

Take him out there again, if it happens again, it's game time (but bear in mind to not be the offender, rather than being the defender) - otherwise enjoy what you originally went there in the first place, playing soccer.


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## Nearsification (Jan 3, 2010)

Well I think a simple thing to do is stop being so rude. No need to curse whenever you correct someone. Even if you are right. If you say it in a disrespectful manner I will not take your opinion as much as I should. Stand up for what you believe in. Just stand up for in the right _way_. I tend to do the same thing as you. But I'm not angry with it. You say what you say. Tell them your right. Don't let any emotions or personal feelings get in the way. Don't be butt hurt. 

Anger is not an necessary emotion to correct stupidity. If you stop acting like this I really don't think people would be so defensive and well overall more friendly to you. Sarcasm works to get the necessary emotion of annoyance but don't call them fucking sick.


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## snail (Oct 13, 2008)

I passionately dislike conflict, but I can't seem to avoid it. I feel like it is my moral responsibility to say what I believe is true and good, even if it is unpopular. Most of my most important values are unpopular. It sounds like your problem is similar. Sucks to be us.


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## Nearsification (Jan 3, 2010)

Aßbiscuits said:


> I didn't get into a conflict today and now I feel like _shit_.
> 
> I love going to my cousin's house. I love playing football with them so we went up to the green to play. There were a few girls in the grass shouting at my little cousin, shouting my cousin's name over and over which was fine if not a little annoying. We kept playing. One of the girls said "That's not the way to McDonald's" when my cousin was going towards the ball, because of his weight. Being me I couldn't help it, I simply told them to shut up and fuck off. She was around a year or so younger than me, my cousin is three years younger than me ffs. What a fucking loser (however, in the complexity of social dynamics, hanging with two younger kids is never cool, they had no idea I was just playing some football with my cousin, so I was the loser). It didn't help that they were telling me I had a sexy ass, which, according to my "what's the acceptable thing to say in various situations" radar isn't a very "cool" thing to say. I'm not fat (I've put on more weight because recently I was underweight, but that's the height of it), so why would she say it sarcastically? Wtf?
> 
> ...


 Uhg. Reading this annoys me. How could people be so ignorant?

Also. When in situations like this. Aim for the leader. Scare away the leader and they pact will split up. Lots of those kids probably even feel sorry for insulting you. Peer pressure is turning them in douche bags. Fine the obvious and most talkative person and do what you did.

But don't ever ever show them they annoy you. Who angers you dominates you. Make sure you are always in charge of the situation. Them attacking you and your response clearly shows you are angry. Don't let that happen. Don't ever let the enemy know how you feel. Secondly when standing up for your cousin don't take shit. Honestly punching them in the face is the nicest thing I woulda done. 

This is a very very appropriate time to punch someone in the face if you ask me. But I recently punch a girl in the face for annoying me...So maybe I'm not the most sane person to ask. But still. This is not the type of stuff you take. A racist joke is something you shrug off. Constant harassment? _Following you?_ Call the police. I understand how you feel. If I were you and I was that nice to them I would never forgive myself. Although maybe we are not the healthiest people around....


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## Aßbiscuits (Oct 8, 2009)

My gut reaction and action toward any sort of conflict has been extremely consistent so I have a lot to learn about picking my fights well. Every fight is a fight to me.

And yeah, it sucks having unpopular opinions and seeing that so many people regurgitate the same argument towards them. It's also annoying and tiresome. Ideally it would leave you better off for arguing to end the argument quicker but proving people wrong or making a good point (since you're so used to the argument and all) makes people angry.

I can sometimes feel people en guard while having a normal conversation and it's a pretty tense thing to deal with. I don't have to spend my whole life being in tense situations, it can be stressful. I just want to relax now. I only hit when I'm hit, that's the way I've always been, I wish people would stop hitting me over nothing because I never, ever start the fight unless I'm jesting (which turns into a fight, of course) or I feel I need to defend someone. Maybe someday I'll learn to back away from a fight without losing my dignity or letting my loved ones be hurt. It seems I have a lot to learn first. Hands-on is better for me. But thanks anyway guys.


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## Mei (Feb 5, 2011)

Hi ABbiscuits, I read your thread, and especially post 15 in detail, and I also did check out your location too. 
I just wanted to say this much. I don't know what else you may or may not have had with other posters on here in other threads, so I guess there could be hidden angsts there. I'm not even going to get involved in those. What I really wanted to talk to you about is the details, and the situation you found yourself in based on what you wrote on post 15. It really scares me.

I read your profile and noticed that you're only 18. You are actually very brave to stand up for yourself in that situation that you described on post 15. The kids who were younger is literally sexually harrassing you. I would in that situation remove myself from that kind of scenario. Do not retaliate. Cos hateful words with hateful words are just going to turn the situation into an ugly one. As Nearsification mentioned, unless you want to find a way to kick their hyenas pack into individual components and seriously consider fighting them, it is not your fight to go for. (I should not even say this.) In any fighting situation, do a risk assessment, who you have with you, and is it worth it ? Can you do it, etc. Yet, even the strongest of individuals do not "go for the kill", cos it is inhumane. Maintain or stabilise a situation is what most people do. For me, to see a person like yourself in that situation, and that you have younger kids with you. Just leave it. Divert their attention or whatever and leave. As you get older, you will know whether some are indeed physical psychopaths or just hot airs bravado idiots. Do NOT be harsh on yourself even if you had to walk away from this kind of hostile situation. The flirty girl that you mentioned? She did what she knows best which is to diffuse the situation, cos it was getting too hostile, and aggressive in nature. Do you understand the dynamic ? 

Do you know why those adults did not do anything ? It is because they also do not want to get involved, in case they bring in more troubles from those kids. Cos they are other peoples' kids. I don't know if you live in an estate or not, but consider telling someone about this situation in your family. Ok ? I know you may have expectation from those adults, but some adults are not just going to rant at some random kid. If everybody was a part of a community, then this is different. Some estates/areas are not like that. They probably already made their own assessment of the situation and decided not to get involved. 

No sane adult would also want their kid to encounter this kind of situation and expect them to stand up for themselves like you did here. So I applaud you for being so brave. I also wanted to say that, your cousin may not be crying because you did not stand up for him, even though I really applaud your sense of honor here for wanting to protect him. His tears could have been fear from the actual situation. Cos basically, you guys WERE being bullied. I am also shocked to see that a girl like yourself would want to fight for him too. You should not let those lads get to you, cos they are worthless things. Swearing is not clever. Swearing comes from a hurtful place. If they were not scared, there is absolutely no reason for them to swear. 


You know, one thing I noticed from all of this is your sense of justice. I respect this. Cos you put yourself in a dangerous position, receiving sexual innuendo and verbal abuse, and yet stood up to face your enemies. Not many people can walk away and not felt upset from that. You are only 18, still very young. What I would take away from this situation is that: 

1 - Not everybody in this world is caring, and has a strong sense of justice. You do NOT have to stoop yourself to their level. 

2 - Try and not swear? Please? lol.. You're a girl ! When I was younger, we used to use word replacements at school but we say it in such a strong voice. "Sugar" ! It is definitely okay to be authentic and to show your feelings, cos we are only human. However, we do not have to let that rule us. We certainly should not let anger rule us. 

3 - Do not let horrible situations like that turn you into something else that you are not. (Which is to have this killer instinct, this is what's making you even more upset. Do you realise this?) I think one of the reason why you seem to be crying is that, you felt very controlled and did not allow yourself to be yourself in that situation? But yet, I think there must be a part of you which held you back, and write this online instead. Well, that instinct is absolutely correct. You did not use your fist to fight those boys. There is a moral line which each one of us have. When we go over this, we hurt ourselves mentally and morally. If you think about it, why are you feeling so bad over some stupid stupid boys? Not all boys are like that at that age, but they don't seem to have any sense of decency. 

4 - Reputation, disputes, confrontation - when you wrote that you don't know how to control your anger or that this seems to always follow you. Do you realise that you are perpetuating your anger from one situation, which is absolutely valid in its own right, and you displaced that onto another situation in your life ? This is what builds up your continuous anger, and stress. You should avoid any situation which places you into this kind of scenario. You may still get some hits here and there, but ignore it. Cos eventually, you will lose those kind of situation in life. If someone made a sick joke about another friend. Well, that friend is lost in my circle. If someone played and messed around on the word "rape", well, I would assess the situation to see if they are being themselves and it came from hidden angst, or whether they are just being sickos. Cos I would say something in a more diplomatic tone, if I considered that person a friend. "That is a wrong choice of word". Or "don't joke about that word". (Yes, even a consultant said that in my presence once to joke off a bad feeling that our manager subjected us to. I find it disgusting, cos it brought up bad images in my mind as a girl, and hence I hate it when people use such words so loosely.) If they continue to do that, then they are just standing up for their own rights, but you bet that when it hits their mind, and they feel bad about it, of if they thought about it, and respected you. They will stop. They will. 

5 - Opinions, debates, hot potatoes topics - Gosh, you remind me so much of myself on this. Yes, one does not have to say something to fit into the crowd, this is true. However, there is indeed a time and a place to do this. I think if you find the correct place to talk about these controversial opinions, in a more honorable manner, then this is more acceptable. I'm sure you will find out about this in time. I don't talk politics in my household, cos the vibe in the household is one that is fairly mundane. However, I do talk such strong politics either on internet forums when I have time, or amongst friends only. If you keep on pushing with these opinions, it just means that those individuals do not feel so strongly on the topic of politics, and debates in general. In the presence of the right crowd, it is so enjoyable! Sometimes you also have to be in the right mindset as well and can think clearly and rationally first. 




I know that you are in Ireland. Will you consider doing these things ? 
1 - Tell your parents what happened in that playground, they may be able to advice you a lot more, and monitor the situation as well 

2 - Consider ringing your local police about the situation, or some kind of community helpline. (We have this in the UK.)

3 - Find a new place where you guys can play football in

4 - Ask around to check out where those boys are from, and to see if they clear away from that park. Cos if nobody plays with them, they will move on. 

5 - Swear less? lol... Think of wittier word substitutes. 

6 - I also want you to read upon sarcasm and wit from books. When to use it and so forth. When others do not get it or understand it, then it just comes across as a literal rude comment. Both parties have to be on the same wavelength and understanding of the content to begin with... 

7 - Try not to use sarcasm with very close people to you. If you do this, and it is timed wrongly, you will hurt them more than you can know. This is me speaking from an F in the INFP. Whatever trust and good vibes, feelings are built up would be gone. Relationships are precious, they only exist and are only as good as the efforts we put into them.


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## IonOfAeons (Dec 2, 2010)

Nearsification's advice about not getting angry is good when you're dealing with people doing that kind of shit. The best thing I can say is that when people do something that makes them seem disgusting in your eyes, hold onto that, not the anger that might come with it. Feeling like people are beneath you can make it a lot easier to not be angry at them, because you feel dominant so it comes more naturally to calmly inform them that they should stop acting the way they are acting (though I don't know, perhaps this isn't the same for everyone, it works for me though).

Also, I'm sad to say it, but in cases where you know other people have the same opinion as you but aren't standing up for it, chances are that it's not worth standing up for it for them, because they won't actually back you up if they know the majority aren't against their opinion. If you really can't stand that what the majority is saying is so belittling to yours and the rest of the minority's viewpoint then you kinda have to deal with the fact that you're going to be hounded for standing up to someone who thinks they're in a stronger position. The only hope you have is to calmly intimidate them into backing down, but I don't know failsafe advice on how to achieve that in every situation.

That story about how they treated you and your cousin disgusts me too, but please don't hate yourself for trying to change. Yes you should stand up to them in the future because it clearly was damaging to you to not do it, but the fact that you didn't do it doesn't mean you failed as a person, you shouldn't feel like you have to beat yourself up over wanting things to be different for once :sad:


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