# What is the correct response to weight complaints?



## aendern (Dec 28, 2013)

Qloshae said:


> That said, even habits can be genetic. I for example don't get any type of positive chemical feedback from exercising which leads to me not exercising beyond what I have to.


This may be true, but you would still be capable of exercising if you saw merit in it.

Do you complain that you never exercise? Do you blame television for your lack of exercise? Or other things that are completely unrelated?

Do you let people who exercise know that they are lucky for being "genetic exercisers"?


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## Qloshae (May 7, 2014)

emberfly said:


> This may be true, but you would still be capable of exercising if you saw merit in it.
> 
> Do you complain that you never exercise? Do you blame television for your lack of exercise? Or other things that are completely unrelated?
> 
> Do you let people who exercise know that they are lucky for being "genetic exercisers"?


That's true, I don't.
But maybe that's because there's sooo many obese people that their complaints speak to a large portion of the population and that the "I can't help that I'm fat" movement has become so strong. Did you know that these days they accuse people of having "thin privilege"? (basically what you experience)
But you are also right that thin people are shamed for being thin and liking thin ("size shouldn't matter" is a late addition to the "how to not be a horrible person that we can shame for their preferences when looking for a partner" guide).

That said, trying to ignore them is your best option and choosing to spend time with people who don't spend their energy trying to shame you.


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## aendern (Dec 28, 2013)

Qloshae said:


> But maybe that's because there's sooo many obese people that their complaints speak to a large portion of the population and that the "I can't help that I'm fat" movement has become so strong.


It really has, and it's appalling. These people are ignoring the reality that this fat epidemic is *new* and that rampant obesity was not common for most of human history.


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## Qloshae (May 7, 2014)

emberfly said:


> It really has, and it's appalling. These people are ignoring the reality that this fat epidemic is *new* and that rampant obesity was not common for most of human history.


Yet there's nothing you can do so might as well just try to live with it and laugh and gold pieces like this:


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## Surreal Snake (Nov 17, 2009)




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## baby blue me (May 9, 2014)

My initial responses would be similar to yours--no response.

Should my deeper opinion be of any relevance, I'll tell them to motivate themselves together to achieve the result they've been wanting for years. I'll suggest different solutions which are mostly revolving around going to the gym together. If they can do something like The Biggest Looser, that may be motivating enough. So, whoever lost the most weight will get a prize and whoever looses the least has to take care of a bigger percentage off the prize. Something like this.

I tried this with my colleague: who ever skips working out will pay a penalty (monetary). I was motivated to work out even more. I'm not obese although I'm not slender too but I used to workout to tone my body and mind tricks were beneficial. Do emphasize eating less and healthier.


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## Razare (Apr 21, 2009)

baby blue me said:


> My initial responses would be similar to yours--no response.
> 
> Should my deeper opinion be of any relevance, I'll tell them to motivate themselves together to achieve the result they've been wanting for years. I'll suggest different solutions which are mostly revolving around going to the gym together. If they can do something like The Biggest Looser, that may be motivating enough. So, whoever lost the most weight will get a prize and whoever looses the least has to take care of a bigger percentage off the prize. Something like this.
> 
> I tried this with my colleague: who ever skips working out will pay a penalty (monetary). I was motivated to work out even more. I'm not obese although I'm not slender too but I used to workout to tone my body and mind tricks were beneficial. Do emphasize eating less and healthier.


With obesity, it's better addressed in terms of habits rather than overweight or what have you. That's just the symptom.

Most chunky people do not muster consistent willpower to constantly "try" at something for the rest of their lives, just as most people don't. Here is a good analogy... imagine being constantly turned on for sex, but the doctor said, "no sex for you". Well, an obese person is turned on to over-eat and if they are going to go the direct approach, they are going to have to restrain their motivations continuously.

The times I have lost weight, since my willpower is low, is when my habits naturally change. If for example, you take a lazy person like me... if you make it a chore for them to eat, we'll lose a ton of weight because we'd rather not bother.

When my ex left me, it was too much of a hassle to go buy groceries, and since I was lazy, I ended up with no food in the fridge. I lost a ton of weight and became totally skinny because my habits for eating were totally broken. I'd still go to the fridge and open it, hoping there was food inside but since there wasn't, I went hungry.

I just point this out because the easiest way to get a fat person skinny is to break their habits. If you break the chain which causes us to repetitively eat for pleasure, we become skinny very easily.

One area this seems to work for me is when I go shopping. Since I'm not eating in the store, I can actually tactically choose what I buy, with the assumption I'm going to chow through it really fast. Cookies? I don't bother, I'll just eat the whole box in one sitting. Chips? The same thing. It's a lot easier to just assume the worst of myself and then plan accordingly. Then if I were serious about losing weight, I could just do something like...

1) No eating out habit... once this habit is in place, I could then do step 2:

2) Shopping once a week for groceries with few enough calories that I'm forced to lose weight. Yes, I might eat it all in the beginning of the week and then starve the last half, but a person can go a few days without food.

This sort of planning puts willpower to work in the area where a person isn't weakest. I just chow down food but I can have willpower in terms of what I buy since that's not eating. So then habits can be molded and I could force myself into weight loss. Breaking the habits is the trick, though. Like when I feel like going getting take-out for lunch... that's where the battle is won. If I arrive at the take-out place, I've already lost because I wont eat a reasonable amount.


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## Modal Soul (Jun 16, 2013)

"less talking, more eating!"

or if you want to get creative

"less _complaining_, more eating!"


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## Bluity (Nov 12, 2012)

The issue is not the weight. The issue is the complaining. No matter how legitimate the problem, whining and bitching about the same thing is frustrating for those forced to listen. 

I've found that when a group constantly talks about the same thing, whether it be weight, relationships, job problems or whatever, it's no longer about the problem but -for lack of a better word - the bonding. Misery loves company. They find solace in knowing they're among friends who deal with the same crap.

Because this is a group problem, I doubt one person can change it. And because this is an emotional problem, you cannot simply give the facts for healthy living or inspire them to make changes without coming off as a high-on-their-horse know-it-all. They each have to get sick and tired of being sick and tired before they decide to take a step to a healthier life. Since you cannot make them stop, and you have tried talking sense to no avail, the only option is to leave or keep quiet.


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## baby blue me (May 9, 2014)

Razare said:


> With obesity, it's better addressed in terms of habits rather than overweight or what have you. That's just the symptom.
> 
> Most chunky people do not muster consistent willpower to constantly "try" at something for the rest of their lives, just as most people don't. Here is a good analogy... imagine being constantly turned on for sex, but the doctor said, "no sex for you". Well, an obese person is turned on to over-eat and if they are going to go the direct approach, they are going to have to restrain their motivations continuously.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the insight. Eating less will immensely contribute to weight decrease. Different people would have different reasons as to how and why they'd have to eat less. Another challenge is definitely to maintain the effects of eating less. I find mind over matter really helpful and mind tricks to sustain that. 

I'm glad you lost that amount of weight and I hope you've been better than ever.


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## ForestPaix (Aug 30, 2014)

Just tell them the truth. Give them a wake up call.


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## HowDareThey (Dec 31, 2010)

emberfly said:


> So the title is pretty vague--let me clarify.
> 
> Everyone in my immediate and extended family is overweight. My brother, sister, mother, father, all my aunts, all but one of my uncles, all my grandparents, all of my cousins except 2--one who is a toddler and one who just isn't overweight--kudos to you! Every cat I've ever had has been overweight, too ;o
> 
> ...


You might not be able to contribute successfully. Does anyone every pester you for being "quiet" in these conversations?
If they do, simply saying "sorry I can't me more help in this." Does that sound like something you could say--knowing them as you do and your relationship wth them? Not that you'd go out of your way to say it but in response to being pestered for quietness--if indeed they do that.

I'm sure it's a boring topic. Do you feel ignored? Do you feel you have any power to set the conversation agenda with these family members ever? Or do they always marginalize you by talking about THEIR all-important weight concerns?


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## DemonAbyss10 (Oct 28, 2010)

Took the time to read through all this. It makes me want to kick people in the face (and I am more than capable of landing such a hit.)

Weight is much more than diet and lack of exercise in many people. Try having a thyroid problem or any other of the myriad hormonal issues, syndromes and the like that @rhoynarqueen mentioned, and maybe then you have the right to speak. And try previously having Hyperthyroidism (used to be very underweight) and due to medications you gain a huge amount of weight even though you exercise regularly and eat no junk (now classed as overweight).


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## TwinAnthos (Aug 11, 2014)

Find a problem of your own and make it big , start talking about it and let's see how they like it and then-, Dosen't work[/U]. My mother, she loves turning stuff around and lie. Then procceds with being sad and complain about her problems. . I know how you feel. I have yet to find a solution (and I'm no good with words). If I find one I will give it to you. Happy new year.


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## Death Persuades (Feb 17, 2012)

"Deal with it."


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## stargazing grasshopper (Oct 25, 2013)

emberfly said:


> Well, because everyone in my immediate family is overweight, they often talk about their weight struggles, about diets they've failed, stuff like that.
> 
> And as a slender person who has never been overweight a day in his 21 years of living, can someone give me advice as to the correct response to these kinds of conversations? They make me feel so uncomfortable.


I'd excuse myself & walk away from the conservation.

Obese individuals can bitch & complain all day long, but they're the individuals with the power to do anything in regards to their health robbing obesity.
Gotta say that after a few times of listening to that shit, I'd request that they either STFU until they suffer a debilitating medical event or they get off their ass & become proactive to reclaim their health. 
Otherwise I'd avoid attending family gatherings until they finally figured out that they're driving me to binge on Twinkies & booze.


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## Darkbloom (Aug 11, 2013)

I start complaining about my weight (how fat I am) to them so they feel a bit uncomfortable because I'm closer to underweight than fat or I tell them what I ate that day while implying it's too much or I feel too full even though it isn't XD

I only do that with people who are just chubby/could lose few pounds,I feel like really fat people are already used to everything and I rarely see them complain so I let them be.
I know it's mean but chubby people I know are perfectly capable of losing weight but can't since they eat a lot without ever doing exercise or even walking anywhere for longer than 5 minutes.


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## Mikasa (Jun 15, 2013)

My sister does a lot of complaining about her weight. She has a pretty terrible metabolism. When she's out with her friends 24-7, she'll eat whole restaurants, but whenever she's visiting home for a few days, suddenly she barely manages to eat half a salad.... And then she goes to the gym for hours for each calorie she consumed. She then expects all of us to do the same. (Not happening!) She gets so insecure about it.



> Our conversations go something like this:
> 
> *Sister*: Mikasa... Have I gained weight? Do I look fat?
> 
> ...


Result: Most of the time she avoids asking me such questions unless she's actually looking for solutions (as opposed to pity or reassurance).

Success!


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## EndsOfTheEarth (Mar 14, 2015)

My response in that situation is to try to be empathetic, but it somehow comes off as a conversation stopper. Like this....

_Well, there are so many options for this and many people have succeeded, if you keep trying I'm sure you'll find the one that works for you. Not all solutions work for everyone, you know._

That should pretty much signal the end of the conversation. :wink:


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## RantnRave (May 1, 2015)

The 10 cheeseburgers sounds like food addiction to me.

Sugar and high fructose corn syrup cause major insulin problems in high consumption. It can actually lead to diabetes. 

There is no reason outside of hormone imbalances or improper gland function for anyone to be obese. Genetics can determine ones body size. Remember there is no true Endomorph/Ectomorph. There is endo-meso or ecto-meso. 

At the end of the day, exercise and healthy eating will cause anyone to lose fat. Suggest the Atkins diet as it seems to work the best for people with food addictions.


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## Fleetfoot (May 9, 2011)

I'm probably not one to give advice on this. I have a number of overweight aunts in my family, but they seem receptive in my response, as did my mom when she was slightly overweight. 

I'm just honest. I'm not mean about it, but I'm not nice. It's numbers. It's science. 

"Do you think I'm fat?"
Me: "I don't know, what's your BMI?" 
"32"
Me: "Then I don't think you're fat, you are fat. Simple as that."

When there are very real diseases and health problems that come with obesity, it's not a subjective thing anymore. It is what it is, and obesity isn't subjective like society thinks it is. You can "feel" skinny, but if you weigh 400 lbs you're not, and you most likely have a heart and/or circulatory problem to go along with it. 

My one aunt had gastric bypass and it failed, because she also still didn't exercise or change her ridiculous diet. And she gets upset that no one can help her, but she's right. Only she can help herself. She can seek guidance on how to eat right (her sister is a dietician for Christ's sake) and exercise, but it won't matter if she doesn't do anything about it and just accepts her fate.


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## Erbse (Oct 15, 2010)

I generally tell people do to something about if it *actually* bothers them.

If they don't/won't then it cannot be too much of an issue to them; or at the very least not important enough to spend my personal time listening to complaints anyway.


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## aef8234 (Feb 18, 2012)

10...cheeseburgers...a...meal...?
Also one moment.





For all the people going on about there are bad calories and there are good ones people forget nutrional content and shit, etc. etc.
Also, seriously. 10 cheeseburgers.


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## DeductiveReasoner (Feb 25, 2011)

I don't really have a suggestion as far as the "correct response" goes, but I have a rant of my own.

I'm in a similar situation. A lot of my relatives on my mom's side of the family are overweight. They all say it's genetic, but interestingly enough, my cousins who are foster kids (as in, NOT BIOLOGICALLY RELATED TO MY FAMILY) have also put on a ton of weight. Yeah. Totally genetic. 

In attempt to become a healthier person, I've made the switch to veganism. As a result, my mom and grandma are completely convinced I have an eating disorder. They obsess over my food more than I do, and it drives me CRAZY 
/rant


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## stiletto (Oct 26, 2013)

I must be an asshole because I would totally rub it in their faces. XD

"Well, I don't have that problem at all!" After gloating, my family stops talking to me about it ROFL. I don't care if they talk behind my back, at least now I don't have to deal with the awkwardness of it all.

Other times, I go head and say things that I found were helpful for me. Even if it's just reiterating common sense things. Hopefully they're feel dumb enough to shut up about it.

"I just monitor my intake. Portion control is the biggest part".
"I graze during the day. It's like a drug, you'll go through withdrawal but after all their garbage is out of your system, you'll crave healthy things."
"I love vegetables!!"

Seriously, it's like moaning about bad grades when you have poor study habits.


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## dragthewaters (Feb 9, 2013)

Awkwardly change the subject as quickly as possible to distract them...that's all I've got!

Then there's the other side of the coin, the thin people with weight complaints. My mom is like 5'3" and 120 pounds at most and yet when I visited her this weekend she was talking about how she gained so much weight and how fat she feels. And wouldn't believe me when I insisted she looked fine and that she's tiny. Those are the worst because it's like they're just committed to being upset.


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## bigstupidgrin (Sep 26, 2014)

I think your initial OP response is correct. You could additionally ask if they want help or input, but chances are they don't. If you ask once, at least it comes off like you cared. 

For me: (and only me) it's not about knowing "what" to do. "What" to do is 1-3 Google searches away. It's about willing myself to do it. I'm doing gradually better with exercise, mainly just focusing on steps goals right now. Sleep has gotten much better since my wife picked up a CPAP machine. My version of sleeping in is now 7:15 AM :laughing:. I know that for me any drastic diet change would be a temporary gimmick. Eating less, and eating less horrible food, is probably the key. 

I've had too many well-wishing family members tell me to just get "more motivated" in other aspects of life, that really asking for help seems like a waste of time*. So I don't complain to others about my weight. I especially don't bring up genetics, that's like saying "fate/insert God of choice" made me fat". Even if it's true, that premise doesn't help/hurt you. Maybe you have to work harder to keep weight off. That sucks, but at the same time you'll develop a fantastic work ethic. 

*most of family also overweight and thinks BMI is BS


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## aendern (Dec 28, 2013)

bigstupidgrin said:


> I think your initial OP response is correct. You could additionally ask if they want help or input, but chances are they don't. If you ask once, at least it comes off like you cared.


Yeah, they definitely don't want my help. They would find it insulting and go on about how I must have a "high metabolism" or I was just "born this way" or something. (it's seriously like willful blindness to their own actions. How are people capable of functioning this blind? It's shocking to me. Seriously).



> For me: (and only me) it's not about knowing "what" to do. "What" to do is 1-3 Google searches away. It's about willing myself to do it.


You nailed it.



> So I don't complain to others about my weight. I especially don't bring up genetics, that's like saying "fate/insert God of choice" made me fat". Even if it's true, that premise doesn't help/hurt you. Maybe you have to work harder to keep weight off. That sucks, but at the same time you'll develop a fantastic work ethic.


Yes, it's a very defeatist attitude. You find that frequently among the depressed--blaming their problems on things they cannot control. (how convenient). Again with the willful blindness.


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## Alles_Paletti (May 15, 2013)

You could say about any addict that it's all their own fault and they should stop complaining. They chose to drink excessive amounts of alcohol, use drugs or cigarettes, gamble their money away, spend their whole day gaming, take excessive loans for their shopping etcetera. 

But I found people around you who want something from you, mostly money, try very hard to tempt you. People who sell you all these things have gotten extremely good at doing so. So much research has gone into this; how do we make people buy as many cheese burgers as we can? How do we make them come back? How do we make this drug so good people can't stop taking it after they've had a taste? How do we make inhaling smoke of tiny burning tubes of tar look cool and attractive? Just read some marketing research, some people know better how your brain works than you do.

I don't fully see overweight people as being silly people who had a choice but didn't choose to take it. They have a normal human urge (eat something that tastes good, to feel good) and there are many people trying to appeal to that urge everywhere. Imagine having an itch that you have to resist scratching but it feels so good when you do, despite you knowing it'll get worse - and then people selling you the best and all kinds of scratchers everywhere around you.

So what can you do? If you care, you can try to help. If you don't, just avoid. 

In the former case, you can either try to change someone's perspective, or change their environment. 

Things that can help are role models, books, or even conveying your worries. They would need a reason that's more compelling than the satisfaction of eating. Maybe it can be that you're afraid of losing them, for example. It's hard to change someone's nature though, at least not fast. Major life events can also sometimes do it, or taking away a problem they're dealing with which might push them towards simple satisfactions like eating. 

Changing the environment, well, depending on your position you can try offering alternatives; I personally never eat fast food or candy anymore, I made a habit of always having alternatives and I try to cook food everyday. If going out, you can try suggesting going to a soup and sandwich place instead of mcdonalds. Having a chicken salad instead of a burger. Make a habit of preparing a healthy lunch. Stop buying crisps and chocolate but buy nuts and low fat cheese and fruits and such as snacks. Basically, try to find a healthy outlet for an urge.


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## aendern (Dec 28, 2013)

Alles_Paletti said:


> * *
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I think this is a bad analogy because
1. Scratching the itch unhealthfully actually makes you feel worse. And contributes to premature death.
2. Scratching the itch healthfully not only calms the itch, but it also makes you feel great and gives you tons of energy. And makes you look great, too. And it's not bad for the itch at all.

It does seem like a no-brainer to me. I don't know what you're seeing. I don't think people are victims of advertising. That's pretty patronizing and insulting of people. I think people are victims of themselves. And only they can change themselves.


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## Alles_Paletti (May 15, 2013)

emberfly said:


> I think this is a bad analogy because
> 1. Scratching the itch unhealthfully actually makes you feel worse. And contributes to premature death.
> 2. Scratching the itch healthfully not only calms the itch, but it also makes you feel great and gives you tons of energy. And makes you look great, too. And it's not bad for the itch at all.
> 
> It does seem like a no-brainer to me. I don't know what you're seeing. I don't think people are victims of advertising. That's pretty patronizing and insulting of people. I think people are victims of themselves. And only they can change themselves.


Saying people are victims of advertising is not my point at all. Discussing the example is pretty pointless. The point is, that there are people doing their best to tempt you to follow your urge. 

I'm saying that it's too black and white to just say people have only themselves to blame.

It's too black and white to say people are blameless victims too. 

People don't have perfect control over themselves. Not everybody has perfect discipline and follows what's good for them automatically. Nor is there such a thing someone who has no control over themselves at all. 

I'm fuzzy on what do you want? Acknowledgement that people who make bad choices (bad in your view) are stupid?

Label them as you wish, but that doesn't solve anything. 

I don't hold the viewpoint humans are perfect and that perfectionism is a reasonable thing to demand of them. And therefore I personally think we need to accept each other's shortcomings and try to help each other overcome them if we really care. Or otherwise shut up about it and live your own life. 

I used to think like you about smokers when I was your age though.


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