# I lost my whole family.



## dragthewaters (Feb 9, 2013)

1. My grandma is in the hospital, in a coma, not expected to make it through the night. She has congestive heart failure. I feel terrible that I didn't spend enough time with her in the past few years. She lived about 20 miles from me but I only saw her once or twice a year, and called her maybe once every 4-6 weeks. I don't know how to drive so I'd have to ask my mom (in college) or fiance (after college) to drive me, which I felt awkward about doing, or commute 3+ hours each way to get to her apartment. A lot of times she would also tell me to hold off on visiting her, if it was winter, or if she wasn't feeling well, or some other factor. Plus I also have very poor time management skills in general, time would pass by and I would forget how long it was, get caught up in other concerns, school, work, socializing, mood swings. But now I feel like I was terrible and she must have thought I didn't really care about her, and I wish I had visited her more and done more for her. I did care, it was just there has been so much stress in my life in general the past few years, it kind of went on the back burner.

2. My mom is on vacation right now. Yes, that's right, she went on vacation while her mom is dying in the hospital. And we can't contact her, and she didn't call once to ask about my grandma, even though she had access to phones. And for months she didn't keep me properly updated as to her condition (my uncle was keeping my mom updated since he is my grandma's main caretaker), leading me to believe that things weren't that bad until I found out from my brother two weeks ago that they were. I would have visited my grandma more if I had known she had such a short time to live. And I found out today that every time in the past few months that my mom visited my grandma, it was because my uncle told her to, not because she decided of her own volition to go. I have let a lot of things slide when it comes to my mom, but this action is unforgivable. Not only that, but if we call her out on it, she will scream at us and twist things around so she is the victim and we are all a bunch of monsters who are out to vilify her. Combined with the lifetime of physical and emotional abuse she visited upon me and my brother, I am not sure if I can ever speak to her again. I believe she is a narcissist.

3. I also haven't been in contact with my dad in over two years. The tl;dr version is: he is a pathological liar and manipulator, if someone pisses him off he tells vicious lies about them to anyone who will listen, he spent a $300K inheritance on strippers in 2 1/2 years, he was a deadbeat dad after my parents got divorced and had to have his wages garnished for child support because he spent all his money on his psycho girlfriend, and he stole money from my brother's bank account when my brother was 8. Among a long list of many other fucked up, Jerry Springer things he has done. The last time I spoke to him, he was homeless and my brother made me call him to convince him to go to a mental hospital so at least he'd be off the street and could get into government housing. My brother thought I could convince him. He talked to me for an hour and then at the end of the call pretty much said "Oh BTW, I was never going to change my mind about the mental hospital thing, I just wanted to talk to you." He manipulated me into a conversation with him when I explicitly told him I did not want a relationship with him. I'm supposed to see him this weekend because my brother convinced me to do that, but obviously I can't have a long-lasting relationship with such a person.

4. My fiance and I have been having a lot of problems lately that might not be solvable. We love each other but he wants to move to Orlando to be closer to his mom, and I feel that it will ruin my life if I move there, because it is a boring place without many people I can relate to (also 1 in 143 people there is a sex offender). Thanks to my family, I haven't gotten to live much of a life, and I don't want to go straight from child to old woman, which I feel is the trajectory of my life as it stands. I love him but I can't give up everything else good in my life for him, and it upsets me that he values his mom's wishes more than mine. Also, his mom hates me because she was making extremely unreasonable requests of my fiance and threatening to disown him if he goes against her, and I called her out on it. We haven't even planned our wedding yet because (among other reasons) she was trying to control everything about it and make it all about her and looking good in front of her relatives, and said she would disown him if he didn't give her the huge wedding with all her family invited.

5. At least my brother and I have a good relationship these days...but we have history. He was verbally and physically abusive to both my parents as a teenager. We had cops over to our house all the time and everyone in my family has been arrested except me. Because of him, I missed out on most of my teenage years. There was always stress, and even more pressure on me to do well in school, stay out of trouble, and be successful. I was just supposed to be a student, not a person. If I did anything out of line, even if I had an argument with my mom that any teenager has with their parent, I would be called a disrespectful monster and made to feel like I was the worst daughter in the world. In college I was put on a 72-hour hold for wanting to kill myself and my mom told me that I was "causing drama." I hated my college and wanted to transfer and my mom said she would disown me if I transferred because she wanted a daughter who graduated from an Ivy League college.

6. Most of my friends have moved away or drifted away and I feel bad burdening them with my problems in any case. They mean well but they don't know what to say in such a situation. The one friend I had who was like a sister to me and had a similar upbringing, gradually stopped talking to me and we haven't seen each other in almost 3 years and I'm not even sure why or if I did anything wrong there, or if it's just "one of those things." I've always wanted a group of friends who were like family, but I am socially awkward and find it difficult to get close to people unless I know them for many years, so I don't think it will ever happen.

So that's my so-called Jerry Springer life...I don't really know where to go from here. Who I should disown, who I should keep in my life, where I should move, how I should act, what I should do, how guilty I should feel. how I should atone for not being more involved with my grandma, and what kind of wedding we can possibly have if I have no family . I just need people who come from normal families to give me some perspective and advice. IDK I just need someone to talk to.


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## unoriginal (Dec 22, 2013)

:/


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## Metalize (Dec 18, 2014)

thismustbetheplace said:


> 1. My grandma is in the hospital, in a coma, not expected to make it through the night. She has congestive heart failure. I feel terrible that I didn't spend enough time with her in the past few years. She lived about 20 miles from me but I only saw her once or twice a year, and called her maybe once every 4-6 weeks. I don't know how to drive so I'd have to ask my mom (in college) or fiance (after college) to drive me, which I felt awkward about doing, or commute 3+ hours each way to get to her apartment. A lot of times she would also tell me to hold off on visiting her, if it was winter, or if she wasn't feeling well, or some other factor. Plus I also have very poor time management skills in general, time would pass by and I would forget how long it was, get caught up in other concerns, school, work, socializing, mood swings. But now I feel like I was terrible and she must have thought I didn't really care about her, and I wish I had visited her more and done more for her. I did care, it was just there has been so much stress in my life in general the past few years, it kind of went on the back burner.
> 
> 2. My mom is on vacation right now. Yes, that's right, she went on vacation while her mom is dying in the hospital. And we can't contact her, and she didn't call once to ask about my grandma, even though she had access to phones. And for months she didn't keep me properly updated as to her condition (my uncle was keeping my mom updated since he is my grandma's main caretaker), leading me to believe that things weren't that bad until I found out from my brother two weeks ago that they were. I would have visited my grandma more if I had known she had such a short time to live. And I found out today that every time in the past few months that my mom visited my grandma, it was because my uncle told her to, not because she decided of her own volition to go. I have let a lot of things slide when it comes to my mom, but this action is unforgivable. Not only that, but if we call her out on it, she will scream at us and twist things around so she is the victim and we are all a bunch of monsters who are out to vilify her. Combined with the lifetime of physical and emotional abuse she visited upon me and my brother, I am not sure if I can ever speak to her again. I believe she is a narcissist.
> 
> ...


I am sorry that this happened in your life, and in such rapid sequence. I would first of all, seriously advise against any life-changing or drastic decisions in the next couple of days or weeks, or even longer. Certainly not at this moment - you might regret them later, so right now, it might be best if you spent time trying to mentally/emotionally get yourself together, or spend your time with your fiance; I'm sure he'll want to support you.

It's very difficult to tell yourself not to feel a certain way, nearly impossible. But I would really suggest that you try not blame yourself for not spending as much time with your grandmother as you could have - if you'd known these events in advance, you would have done that, but you didn't know. We're all very busy with our lives and obligations, and life moves at a hectic pace; most people have not spent enough time with their families. For the feelings of guilt and atonement - do you think your grandmother would have forgiven you? Or, if you were someone's grandmother and your granddaughter was feeling the same way you are right now, would you want her to torture herself over it, or would you want her to agonize as little as possible?

Your family situation sounds harsh. I would personally consider those kinds of relations irreconcilable, for my own mental stability. I think you're the best judge of how you should go about them, in gauging how you'd feel if you never saw them again, if they died, the chances of an actual successful relationship now, etc. Still, I'd heavily recommend against thinking about those decisions right now.

The fiance situation... would also fall under that category. I suggest putting off the wedding (it didn't sound like you had one concretely planned), or just taking an unofficial break for yourself, to get your mind together. Moving is a life-changing decision obviously, and if you're unsure about it and the stability of your future relationship, it's probably worth reconsidering. And yeah, Florida's... weird. One thing that did stand out to me is that it didn't seem like you were actively working or pursuing any career or education at the moment, but that's not the kind of thing you'd be considering right now, of course.



unoriginal said:


> :/


Are you kidding me?


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## dragthewaters (Feb 9, 2013)

Metasentient said:


> I am really sorry that so much happened in your life, and in such rapid sequence. It must be overwhelming right now, and on that note, I would first of all, seriously advise against any life-changing or drastic decisions in the next couple of days or weeks, or even longer. Certainly not at this moment - you might regret them later, so right now, it might be best if you spent time trying to mentally/emotionally get yourself together, or spend your time with your fiance; I'm sure he'll want to support you.


He's in Florida this weekend (trip planned long before this all happened.) I am supposed to visit my brother this weekend and see my dad for the first time in two years (again, plans made weeks ago) which is about the last thing I want to do right now, but my brother probably wants the company. If I had any close friends I would want to be with them.



> It's very difficult to tell yourself not to feel a certain way, nearly impossible. But I would really suggest that you try not blame yourself for not spending as much time with your grandmother as you could have - if you'd known these events in advance, you would have done that, but you didn't know. We're all very busy with our lives and obligations, and life moves at a hectic pace; most people have not spent enough time with their families. For the feelings of guilt and atonement - do you think your grandmother would have forgiven you? Or, if you were someone's grandmother and your granddaughter was feeling the same way you are right now, would you want her to torture herself over it, or would you want her to agonize as little as possible?


She's 93, I knew it was coming at some point. But as I said she also told me not to visit her a lot of times bc of weather or health problems.



> Your family situation sounds harsh. I would personally consider those kinds of relations irreconcilable, for my own mental stability. I think you're the best judge of how you should go about them, in gauging how you'd feel if you never saw them again, if they died, the chances of an actual successful relationship now, etc. Still, I'd heavily recommend against thinking about those decisions right now.


Honestly I dont miss my dad in the slightest in two years of almost no contact and probably will only miss my mom a bit. My dad wasnt there for half my life and my mom seems to prefer being alone and miserable. She is a black hole. Seriously look up videos of Livia Soprano and you'll see what I mean.

The only thing I worry about is them dying alone, and my dad being homeless. My brother insists on having a relationship with them out of a misguided sense of obligation and I dont want him to deal with it alone. But if I cut my mom off that's it, she will never let me into her life again. She has been known to hold grudges for half a century. As for my dad I expect him to take advantage of me if I let him into my life.



> The fiance situation... would also fall under that category. I suggest putting off the wedding (it didn't sound like you had one concretely planned), or just taking an unofficial break for yourself, to get your mind together. Moving is a life-changing decision obviously, and if you're unsure about it and the stability of your future relationship, it's probably worth reconsidering. And yeah, Florida's... weird.


How can I have a wedding with no family and friends I cant trust to even show up and a FMIL who wants a huge performance for her family?

We live together and I cant afford to live on my own.



> One thing that did stand out to me is that it didn't seem like you were actively working or pursuing any career or education at the moment, but that's not the kind of thing you'd be considering right now, of course.


What gave you that impression? I work as a research technician in a molecular biology lab, but it's a dead end job and I only make $14 an hour. But it's a job. I am also studying on my own to become an Android developer. In October I am quitting my job to study full time.


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## Metalize (Dec 18, 2014)

thismustbetheplace said:


> He's in Florida this weekend (trip planned long before this all happened.) I am supposed to visit my brother this weekend and see my dad for the first time in two years (again, plans made weeks ago) which is about the last thing I want to do right now, but my brother probably wants the company. If I had any close friends I would want to be with them.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Either way, I think my previous words would still stand to be effective. If you don't want to get immersed further into the drama, you need to do your best to cut it out or put distance. And regardless, you know your situation/personal history with the family members better than anyone else here, so we'd really be speculating. I'd personally burn the bridges.

As for the career, that's good to hear. Your post was very detailed in many aspects of your life but all I read about education/career was that you had a hard time with college, so I really didn't want to assume, you know?


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## dragthewaters (Feb 9, 2013)

Metasentient said:


> Either way, I think my previous words would still stand to be effective. If you don't want to get immersed further into the drama, you need to do your best to cut it out or put distance. And regardless, you know your situation/personal history with the family members better than anyone else here, so we'd really be speculating. I'd personally burn the bridges.


I wish it was easy though. I have tried to avoid drama while still maintaining a relationship with them but it's impossible. I will still feel guilty especially if they are alone and need me in the future, which they almost certainly will since they are miserable people who have alienated almost everyone else.

Plus, am I any better? I have nobody either except my fiance. I talked about this stuff with one of my friends this morning and she made some noncommittal statements and abruptly left the conversation. I dont know if my friends dont care, or just dont understand. I dont have anyone to hang out with this weekend to distract myself because most of my old friends moved away or are "too busy" to hang out, and I dont have new friends who I am close to, just glorified acquaintances. My friends only come to me when they need advice or a shoulder to cry on.



> As for the career, that's good to hear. Your post was very detailed in many aspects of your life but all I read about education/career was that you had a hard time with college, so I really didn't want to assume, you know?


Well the post was about my family. My career is also in the shitter but I have enough drama to deal with right now. College was very hard but I graduated on time with a good gpa, not that it really led to any opportunities.


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## Kaminya (Jun 12, 2015)

I'm sorry to hear you are hurting so much, and I don't really know what to say, but it feels wrong to ignore this. SO, first and foremost- you are NOT alone, although I know it feels that way... I have never met a single happy and perfect family in my entire life, although they do vary in severity. You've been through so much already, things are bound to look up- nothing stays horrible forever... I'm sorry if this sounds cliche :/ But there are therapy groups you can talk to, and most aren't to bad  It's just nice to be able to share some of the pain and help others through theirs.... If that kinda thing isn't to repulsive to you, that is.

You mentioned that you wanted a close group of friends, was there anyone that came to mind??? Everyone needs someone to lean on and share their pain, your fiance should be the first but if its a bad time.... All relationships take work, so if you want a friend you have to work for it, things are never hopeless, you CAN do it as long as you work for it. 

But before you try ANYTHING I agree with "Metasentient" and believe you should focus on you. What brings you joy? What do YOU need right now... People go through so much, many face unbearably heartbreaking situations and make it through. I bet you will too!!!! I'm rooting for you, praying, hoping all gets better soon. And it may take time but stay strong. You CAN make it through this  Good luck!!!!

Sorry if this wasn't much help, but you have my support if nothing else /.\


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## Metalize (Dec 18, 2014)

Kaminya said:


> I'm sorry to hear you are hurting so much, and I don't really know what to say, but it feels wrong to ignore this. SO, first and foremost- you are NOT alone, although I know it feels that way... I have never met a single happy and perfect family in my entire life, although they do vary in severity. You've been through so much already, things are bound to look up- nothing stays horrible forever... I'm sorry if this sounds cliche :/ But there are therapy groups you can talk to, and most aren't to bad  It's just nice to be able to share some of the pain and help others through theirs.... If that kinda thing isn't to repulsive to you, that is.
> 
> You mentioned that you wanted a close group of friends, was there anyone that came to mind??? Everyone needs someone to lean on and share their pain, your fiance should be the first but if its a bad time.... All relationships take work, so if you want a friend you have to work for it, things are never hopeless, you CAN do it as long as you work for it.
> 
> ...


Just a quickie note that if you want to mention someone:
@Kaminya

Welcome!


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## bluekitdon (Dec 19, 2012)

thismustbetheplace said:


> I wish it was easy though. I have tried to avoid drama while still maintaining a relationship with them but it's impossible. I will still feel guilty especially if they are alone and need me in the future, which they almost certainly will since they are miserable people who have alienated almost everyone else.
> 
> Plus, am I any better? I have nobody either except my fiance. I talked about this stuff with one of my friends this morning and she made some noncommittal statements and abruptly left the conversation. I dont know if my friends dont care, or just dont understand. I dont have anyone to hang out with this weekend to distract myself because most of my old friends moved away or are "too busy" to hang out, and I dont have new friends who I am close to, just glorified acquaintances. My friends only come to me when they need advice or a shoulder to cry on.
> 
> Well the post was about my family. My career is also in the shitter but I have enough drama to deal with right now. College was very hard but I graduated on time with a good gpa, not that it really led to any opportunities.


First of all I'm sorry that your family doesn't have it all together and that your grandma is dying. That all being said, I don't know of any family that has things completely together, and if they appear to then they're probably not being completely honest.

The first thing you need to do is acknowledge that yes your life hasn't been all roses up until this point, great...welcome to the club. Then make a conscious decision that it's time to put that behind you and start from where you are today. Stop using the past to make excuses about your current and future states, it serves no purpose other than pushing friends away that don't want to hear about it and making you think you are not in control of where you are going because of what has happened in the past.

Ask yourself where you want to be in 20 years, and what do you want to be remembered for when your time comes? Take a step in that direction today. Start hanging out with and researching people that are already where you want to be and emulate their habits. There's an old saying that you are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with, I've found this to be true in my own life...surround yourself with those people and let their norm become your new normal.

Regarding your family ties, you need to put some healthy boundaries in place to limit their influence in your life while at the same time trying to rebuild the relationships if they can be rebuilt. Here's a good book to read on that subject, and also googling healthy boundaries will give you a lot of articles on that as well. https://relentlesspursuit.wordpress...iew-boundaries-henry-cloud-and-john-townsend/


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## Kito (Jan 6, 2012)

Come talk to me in private if you want. I know what it's like to lose everything, or at least feel like everything's slipping through your fingers. I'm really sorry about everything, and I'm rooting for you. You know there's always a light at the end of a tunnel, even if you can't see it for miles.


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## dragthewaters (Feb 9, 2013)

Kaminya said:


> I'm sorry to hear you are hurting so much, and I don't really know what to say, but it feels wrong to ignore this. SO, first and foremost- you are NOT alone, although I know it feels that way... I have never met a single happy and perfect family in my entire life, although they do vary in severity. You've been through so much already, things are bound to look up- nothing stays horrible forever... I'm sorry if this sounds cliche :/ But there are therapy groups you can talk to, and most aren't to bad  It's just nice to be able to share some of the pain and help others through theirs.... If that kinda thing isn't to repulsive to you, that is.
> 
> You mentioned that you wanted a close group of friends, was there anyone that came to mind??? Everyone needs someone to lean on and share their pain, your fiance should be the first but if its a bad time.... All relationships take work, so if you want a friend you have to work for it, things are never hopeless, you CAN do it as long as you work for it.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your kind words.

TBH I disagree that things don't stay horrible forever...they totally can, and actually if things are horrible now, they are more likely to be horrible in the future too, just statistically speaking. If you have major family issues that have lasted for decades, they aren't going to magically fix themselves.

I have friends but not really anyone I can rely on right now. Most of my friends moved away, or they disappear for weeks at a time. I talked to two of my friends yesterday and they both didn't know what to say really, and had no helpful advice to give. I think they mean well, they just don't have the experience of having a dysfunctional family. Most of my friends have kind of lived sheltered/charmed lives TBH. And as I mentioned the one friend I had in high school/college, whose family is more messed up than mine, doesn't really talk to me anymore for unclear reasons.

The problem is that I find it hard to get close to new friends. Apparently it takes a very long time for me to get close to people. All my friendships happened when I was around the same people for years in school. Now there probably isn't going to be a situation where I'm going to be around someone for years, long enough to become close friends with them. I have lots of people who I hang out with, where we have a great time whenever we hang out, but I wouldn't consider them friends on that level because we don't fully open up to each other. I definitely would feel like I was burdening them to bring up these problems to them.

But those are extraneous issues for now. The main pressing question is really "Should I stay in contact with my mom?" And that seems to be a question nobody can answer. As for my dad, I guess we are back in contact for now, because I actually agreed to have my fiance drive him to the funeral next week (yes, my mom's ex-husband cares more about going to my grandma's funeral than my actual mom does). I'm sure my mom will scream at me and call me a "traitor" and a "fool" for agreeing to take him to the funeral, but honestly I couldn't possibly have less fucks to give right now.



bluekitdon said:


> First of all I'm sorry that your family doesn't have it all together and that your grandma is dying. That all being said, I don't know of any family that has things completely together, and if they appear to then they're probably not being completely honest.
> 
> The first thing you need to do is acknowledge that yes your life hasn't been all roses up until this point, great...welcome to the club. Then make a conscious decision that it's time to put that behind you and start from where you are today. Stop using the past to make excuses about your current and future states, it serves no purpose other than pushing friends away that don't want to hear about it and making you think you are not in control of where you are going because of what has happened in the past.
> 
> ...


I knew you were an INTJ from your response before even checking your profile....

Why should it push my friends away if I come to them asking for advice? Isn't that the definition of having friends, that they are people that you can rely on when times are bad, and have fun with when times are good? My friends come to me all the time asking for advice or support and I always provide as much help as I can to them. Even if it's not a situation I am familiar with, I try my best to give support at least. If a friend came to me asking advice on a problem as big as this one, I would feel honored to help them.

As for how to choose friends, I want to choose friends because they are kind and have things in common with me, not because they are where I want to be in life. And where should I meet such people? That's really the question. Actually the only place where I've met a lot of people who are like me is the INFP forum on here. I would prefer to meet people like me in actual real life also.

See this is the problem though. Boundaries are a great idea IN THEORY. But when you are dealing with people who are fucking insane, boundaries do not apply anymore. You think I haven't tried setting boundaries? Here are some stories:

When I first cut off my dad, I told him I didn't want to speak to him. He called me up every day harassing me, at times when he knew I would be at school or (later) at work. I blocked his number. He started calling me from his neighbor's phone, his relatives' phones, and basically any phone he could find. I told him that I would call the police and charge him with stalking and harassment if he didn't stop calling me. He stopped calling me, but then started spreading vicious lies about me to his relatives and anyone who would listen. Eventually his relatives and everyone else figured out he was full of shit, he ended up homeless and tricked me into that phone conversation with him that I mentioned in my original post. Then he actually went to the mental hospital because he was out of options and constantly nagged my brother to ask me when I was going to visit him, because he was "getting help" so obviously that should negate the past. Then he got out and went into this welfare housing program, and now his new thing is saying that he's a "changed man" and he "wants to make amends for the past." And now my brother actually is trying to guilt trip me into seeing him too, saying "life is too short to stay upset over petty things" (as if any of the stuff he did was petty).

As for my mom, she has trampled on any boundary anyone has ever tried to set. Whenever I visit her and my fiance isn't there, she ends up saying something hurtful or starting some sort of argument about something. So then I start getting my stuff and saying "I'm not going to put up with this, bye, I'm going home." When this happens she literally physically blocks the door to prevent me from leaving the house, screams at me about what a horrible daughter I am, and turns it around so that she is the poor victim who is being constantly disrespected by her terrible children, who overreact and flip out at everything she says, because they are out to get her and twist all her words to make her look bad. If I persist in leaving then she screams at me and usually tells me to go fuck myself. Or she says "Let me drive you to the train station at least!" or "You're going to have to wait an hour for the bus!" or "You're going to get assaulted walking down the street while carrying all that stuff!" If I continue then she says she will never speak to me again. I'm sure if I actually left the house she would chase after me and cause a scene, and possibly follow me in her car. So basically this continues until I get so worn down that I decide to stay, and then she goes on about how "oversensitive" I am.

When I still lived with her as a kid/teenager it was even worse, because she had the ultimate power..."If you don't do what I say, I will kick you out of the house, and you will be homeless and end up prostituting yourself within two days, because you are so naive and ignorant that you wouldn't be able to find any other way to survive on the street." (She actually said this to me.) A couple of times I actually took her up on it and left the house for a few hours, and then she got upset with me about that.



Kito said:


> Come talk to me in private if you want. I know what it's like to lose everything, or at least feel like everything's slipping through your fingers. I'm really sorry about everything, and I'm rooting for you. You know there's always a light at the end of a tunnel, even if you can't see it for miles.


I will


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## bluekitdon (Dec 19, 2012)

If they constantly go past your boundaries then you may have to cut them out of your life at least for the time being. Up to you, the saying if you do what you've always done you'll get what you've always gotten applies very well to relationships. You don't need to cut off existing friendships to make a decision to spend time with people you admire, I'd only do that if the relationship is toxic for you. As far as where to find those people that depends on what you want from life. Church groups, professional groups, groups that do things you are interested in are all good places to find friends.


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## Glenda Gnome Starr (May 12, 2011)

I Am sorry to have to say this but I think that your mom sounds like a very toxic person. It is a sad thing to say about someone's mom but, from everything I've read, she sounds toxic. The less time you spend with her, the better. All she seems to care about is herself. 
I wish that I had more advice to share with you. 
It is discouraging to live with such a dysfunctional family. 
Even though I don't have loads of advice, I am always here to support you.
You deserve better.


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## ObservantFool (Apr 1, 2015)

I'm sure your grandmother knows from her own life experience how life has a tendency to get in the way sometimes, and understands that you two can't always hang out whenever you both want to. She is not just some delicate flower, your grandmother; she must have a lot of resilience and wisdom to account for all those years under her belt! I would bet, though, that she is so proud of you and knows very well that you love her. I don't know how your mother is coping with her feelings, but you need to be strong like your grandma and live a healthy, happy life because that is what she expects from you. You don't have to disown anyone, you just have to live your own life and stop feeling so responsible for other people. They will have to make their own choices and be able to pull themselves up. They can do it. I'm sorry that you had a difficult past, but now you have to decide what YOU want. I would advise you to leave your heart open, but don't let anyone discourage you. Know when to let things go, focus on your goals, and remind yourself that your well-being is a priority.


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## LostFavor (Aug 18, 2011)

thismustbetheplace said:


> I just need people who come from normal families to give me some perspective and advice.


Well, tbh, I'm not sure there's such a thing as a normal family. But maybe you mean a family that is more of a cohesive unit and I can maybe give you some perspective on that, as my immediate family is pretty cohesive on the whole. To do that, I feel it's only fair to tell you about the bad stuff too. 

My family is me, 5 siblings (one of which is dead -- I'll explain that) and 2 parents. 3 siblings are strewn all over the country in different states, one of which is fairly secure in his income and career goals, another is struggling but doing ok, and the third one is barely holding it together and my parents have to send money to him virtually every month. I'm living at home trying to get my career somewhat together before I move out, so I won't be begging for money within a month, and the last sibling is in my state, moved out (sort of) finishing up college and getting an internship moving in the right direction.

The one I haven't accounted for yet is the one who died. He died something like 3 years ago, at the age of 26, I think (I'm bad at details). He just up and died in his sleep. The sibling who is barely holding it together found him dead, which we tend to think is part of the reason he's barely holding it together.

Now... bear with me, cause I'm going somewhere with all this: Overall, we're pretty good about keeping in touch with each other and we all feel pretty strongly about supporting each other as a family. We're not always great at reaching out to help each other, but if somebody asks for help, there's never a problem finding people in the family who are willing.

However, as I hopefully illustrated with the details, it doesn't change the fact that many of us are struggling with career, with finances, with personal life, etc. 

The reason I'm telling you this is not to discourage you from wanting a cohesive family (it's certainly a wonderful thing to want and can be great to have) but it's not all sunshine and roses, is the point I'm trying to make.

Reaching out to family members who you don't have the greatest relationship with can be hard, no matter how "normal" your family is. Case in point, the brother of mine who is really struggling... it's hard sometimes for me to reach out to him. I don't know how to connect with him in the way that I've done in the past. 

My advice, considering that it sounds like you're feeling as if the carpet is being pulled out from under you, is to seek out some kind of physical support group. I believe there are numerous ones you can find for free, for a variety of different kinds of support. It might take some searching, but if you can find a good fit for you, having that "base" will work wonders for your sense of stability, I think. 

The reason I say a physical one is because physical presence can add things that virtual doesn't. Virtual support is great, but it only goes so far.

Once you have that base under you, I think you will find it a lot easier to take a step back from your family and assess it without the cloudy glasses we all have when looking at our families. It's nigh impossible to look at one's family, or family members, objectively and it's even harder when they're a big part of the rug that you stand on.

Hope this helps some with putting things in perspective and such. If you have any questions about what I've said, please feel free to ask.


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## Pifanjr (Aug 19, 2014)

I don't know what to say about most of what you wrote and I think other people have done a good job on giving you advice about it. There was however one point in your story I think I can say something about from my own experience.



thismustbetheplace said:


> 6. Most of my friends have moved away or drifted away and I feel bad burdening them with my problems in any case. They mean well but they don't know what to say in such a situation. The one friend I had who was like a sister to me and had a similar upbringing, gradually stopped talking to me and we haven't seen each other in almost 3 years and I'm not even sure why or if I did anything wrong there, or if it's just "one of those things." I've always wanted a group of friends who were like family, but I am socially awkward and find it difficult to get close to people unless I know them for many years, so I don't think it will ever happen.


First of all, you say you feel bad about burdening your friends with your problems. I completely understand this. However, you've mentioned you do help them when they have a problem. I assume you don't feel like they are bothering you when they do. So I would advise you not to assume your friends will be bothered if you try to talk to them about this. It might help if you give a disclaimer beforehand, something like "I really need to talk about some really bad things that happened in my life recently and I really need someone to talk to." Your friends will probably be happy to help you or comfort you, even if they might not be able to give direct advice.

I also completely understand your wish for having a group of friends that is like family. It has been my dream too for many years. I had pretty much convinced myself that something like that probably doesn't exist in real life, that the only person I might have that sort of connection with would be a significant other. 
Since recently I know I was wrong, it is possible to have something like that in real life. I found a group of people here on PerC who are somewhat like family to me. I have known them for at most 8 months now I think, but I shared things with them I've never been able to share with real life friends I've known for years.
I found out I've never had a real deep, close relationship with anyone before because I was afraid to share things, afraid that my problems would bother my friends or make me seem weird and change our relationship. I think it's important to trust your friends though, to open up, at least to one person.

Please ask if you need clarification or help


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