# How do dating rules and habits change as you get older?



## Sonne (Oct 29, 2010)

How do dating rules and habits change as you get older?


Is there a change in what you're looking for, how you behave when dating, or what you expect when courting someone?


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## snail (Oct 13, 2008)

When I was younger, I was willing to tolerate partners who weren't as compatible with me, because I didn't understand that such relationships were doomed to fail. Now I am more careful.


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## Sonne (Oct 29, 2010)

snail said:


> When I was younger, I was willing to tolerate partners who weren't as compatible with me, because I didn't understand that such relationships were doomed to fail. Now I am more careful.



Agree. i don't think i understood the importance of compatibility growing up. The focus was always on feelings, liking someone, hoping someone would return the interest, without understanding whether it was the right person for you to have a relationship with. 

I think respect matters more, someone who knows when to push and when to pull, or when to sit back and just let things unfold. Another one is, drama or excitement isn't necessary to make a relationship interesting. It's ok to not settle or believe you have or know everything.


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## angularvelocity (Jun 15, 2009)

I'm courting @vivacissimamente

Not sure if it's working or not. 

As I get older I get less aggressive.


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## Slider (Nov 17, 2009)

I've become slightly more confident, clingy, attached, attractive, aggressive, flexible, understanding, patient, kind...

Realistically, the only thing I want is for someone TO STAY WITH ME. I do not like or appreciate wasting my time and energy on someone if they're simply going to leave. Plus, it hurts.


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## Sonne (Oct 29, 2010)

I prefer quieter conversations and less romance. I'm not looking for the dream or fairytale, or pledging undying love or someone who is overly attentive. I'd rather a more relaxed, equal, and comfortable relationship.


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## Elwin (Feb 17, 2011)

When I was about 18, me and a female friend were talking about this strange thing called "dating" where people get together for things like movies and dinner. She suggested that it was something that people do when they get older. Seems she was right, as at least in our age-range, relationships largely centered around social groups (like meeting and interacting at parties) and there wasn't much in the way of formal dating.


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## strawberryLola (Sep 19, 2010)

My preferences have always remained consistently the same. I've always been attracted to the nerdy, nonconformist, kind-hearted guys. 

The only thing that's really changed as I've gotten older is I am realizing I am perfectly happy without a relationship. As a teenager, I started really young like 12 or something and had mini relationships, then long-term serious ones into my mid 20s.

Now, I like my space. If my soulmate comes along, then maybe I'd change my mind, and yes, after all of the break-ups I survived? I still believe in soulmates, which is why I broke up with some of the hombres to begin with because I am truly holding out for the. I'd rather be true to myself. Happiness is waaay more important!

Edit- I think a lot of it has to do with early attachment and adult attachment schemas.


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## Zster (Mar 7, 2011)

I am a lot less desperate to pair up, than the "younger me" was, having been there and done that (very well) already. Now I live a pretty decent independent life - a life that wont be enhanced by a sub-par relationship (voice of prior experience). Thus, I socialize more for fun or immediate entertainment. If an honest connection comes along, that would be a welcome, sweet surprise. I live more in the moment and will take what joy comes as and when it comes. Otherwise, I have living to do!


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## beyondthephysical (Mar 20, 2011)

I find the dating scene to be quite the same, except everyone is older; and I'm still trying to feel my way around in it all, no punn intended! I like the unknown of it, the adventure of it all just the same. I have no need to marry again or be in a relationship that is 24/7, but a life partner would be fabulous. I have never been able to say this before, even though I have been married twice. I have a full llife to call my own, and when the other person shows up so we can carry on in the adventure together, I will be ready.


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## Nadine M. Viores (May 24, 2011)

Silt said:


> How do dating rules and habits change as you get older?
> 
> 
> Is there a change in what you're looking for, how you behave when dating, or what you expect when courting someone?


Well as a younger woman dating an older gentleman, I'd like to start with that his manners of courting are much like the romance you would only expect to find in old movies/books. I have always wished to be courted as so when watching them growing up, but I also grew up with my grandparents as the biggest influence in my life. I enjoy the peacefulness of being with someone who is similar to me. Everything I think of and desire or could ask for comes naturally without me ever asking or speaking of it! It's like finding exactly where I belong. <3


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## Sonne (Oct 29, 2010)

Today, I'd probably date someone who has a more seasoned perspective, who's life experiences are more than mine, rather than someone who needs to "live life" before they "settle down" or who feels as if they're missing something because they haven't dated many people or who feels they need to date around to know what they want.


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## Glenda Gnome Starr (May 12, 2011)

I've never been married. I'd say that I'd be happy with "male and breathing," but, no, I'm still a bit too fussy for that. Compatibility is more important than looks. I don't want a man to judge me, based solely on my looks, as I am far from beautiful. I'd like to have a friend and a companion who has a good sense of humor, a sense of adventure, and is easy to get along with. I don't need a rich man or a powerful man. Just someone who wants to be a good friend. If he wanted to be a dance partner and learn to do ballroom dancing with me, that would be a big plus. It's good, fun exercise that we could enjoy together. He must like to walk as much as I do. Being smart is an even bigger plus. I prefer to have a relationship with a man who is smarter than me. That actually is a big thing for me. And lastly, the man that I date or (if a miracle occurs) marry absolutely must be a nonsmoker so that I can enjoy kissing him. I am terribly allergic to cigarette smoke and to the smell left behind.


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## See Above (Oct 4, 2011)

walking tourist said:


> I've never been married. I'd say that I'd be happy with "male and breathing," but, no, I'm still a bit too fussy for that. Compatibility is more important than looks. I don't want a man to judge me, based solely on my looks, as I am far from beautiful. I'd like to have a friend and a companion who has a good sense of humor, a sense of adventure, and is easy to get along with. I don't need a rich man or a powerful man. Just someone who wants to be a good friend. If he wanted to be a dance partner and learn to do ballroom dancing with me, that would be a big plus. It's good, fun exercise that we could enjoy together. He must like to walk as much as I do. Being smart is an even bigger plus. I prefer to have a relationship with a man who is smarter than me. That actually is a big thing for me. And lastly, the man that I date or (if a miracle occurs) marry absolutely must be a nonsmoker so that I can enjoy kissing him. I am terribly allergic to cigarette smoke and to the smell left behind.


I'm right with you there on the cigarette smoke allergy! (My Dad used to smoke like a chimney and I think it messed up my respiratory system permanently.) I could not have a smoker anywhere around me!

In my experience, "Dating" gets really complicated when older because of the difficulty of identifying possible candidates. He (or she, depending on a person's preferences) might be in a relationship, married, gay, not gay, etc. I just don't have it in me to walk up to someone and ask of them their relationship status/gender preferences. Furthermore, most of the people you know, at least fairly well, are from work and, as an established career professional, you can't just whisper in a co-worker's ear, "Cece, go find out if he is available and ask him if he likes me!" Everyone in the entire organization would be talking about it in no time! (Scandal! Sexual harassment! Etc.) When you are in high school or college you are surrounded by lots of single people, mostly all intent on finding romantic entanglements. It's the norm. That changes dramatically afterwards. What was once simple is suddenly very complicated.

People often suggest at this point, On Line Dating! Ugh. Complete and total strangers. I _wish_ I could just be drawn to someone or intrigued by someone or noticed by someone I come across in real life. Still, even if you sense someone somewhere "noticing" you, you are both paralyzed by not knowing what to do next. One moment a guy could be looking straight into your eyes and smiling broadly at you from a nearby chair and the next moment a well-dressed blond strolls over to him and leans in close for an intimate conversation. You learn pretty quickly not to blithely trust that "eyes meet across the room" sort of moment. Nonetheless, I haven't yet been able to reconcile myself to using the internet like a dating-department-store online catalog. (I can't even bring myself to buy clothing online!!) Besides, I have enough trouble and confusion working with feelings/commitment already, I don't need any more layers between me and my nascent romantic responses.

So, therefore, I fully expect to be single forever. That isn't devastating or anything. I do very well on my own. It is, at odd times, a bit lonely, though.


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## StElmosDream (May 26, 2012)

@*See Above*

I tend to agree about Online dating adding too many layers, maybes, what ifs, whys; to the point where it becomes its own 'language of love' in many cases, most won't even say whether or not they are truly interested... alongside the 'we must chat for 2-8 weeks before I know if your right' attitude where one conversation can kill the whole 'good will vibe' especially when people say they want one thing then ignore what they sought because it can't be real or seems 'fake'.

Honestly I've always just found the whole thing confusing as a guy, at times it would be easier if speed dating or compatibility testing actually worked but then again that would be too simple, when someone still needs to initiate or say 'I'm interested, would you like to go for a coffee we can decide at the end if we should date or be friends'... it would certainly dispel any fanciful notions of attraction vs. good conversation needs so often seen in public places.


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## Marisa (Apr 26, 2012)

snail said:


> When I was younger, I was willing to tolerate partners who weren't as compatible with me, because I didn't understand that such relationships were doomed to fail. Now I am more careful.


This.


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## Allwing (Jul 6, 2011)

One thing I noticed about dating is that as you get older the general view on sex changes. I mean sure there are some high schoolers who are happy to jump into bed right away, but on the whole, high school couples will wait a longer period of time to start having sex than older people. It seems that the older people are the more casually they look at sex (on the whole). But this is just a small observation I have made and could be wrong.


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