# Severe depression and the futility of living.



## Dalton (Jun 10, 2013)

*Warning: graphic content related to suicide.
*
Current life is hopeless. Future life is hopeless. What do I have to expect?

Fuck school. I've failed to complete several assignments, and I have no motivation to complete them or any upcoming ones. My major is business, and I'm barely even interested in it. I don't want to "make money" for a living. I want to be happy. Money is bullshit. It has no substance. I want my career to be my happiness. I'm not going to waste half of my life working a mundane job just so that I can afford to live longer, so that I can experience even MORE self-hatred. I want to drop out of college, because I don't want this stress any more. I don't talk to anybody at college. I keep to myself. Call me the model of extroversion.

I have had recurrent thoughts of suicide for most of this year. What keeps me from doing it? The train tracks are right next to my house. Last time I slept at another person's house, my bed was in the same room as the gun cabinet.

Fear that I'll botch the job, guilt that others will see the mess. Even a gunshot to the head isn't a guarantee that I'll die. If I did it, there would be a strong possibility that the gun owner would be sent to prison for illegal possession of a weapon, and who would be the innocent soul to find my body?

So really, I don't know what to do with myself. I don't think I'll ever feel satisfied, and as much as I tell people that I'm fine, I'm really getting worse on a big-picture monthly basis, even if there may be weekly improvements.

There's plenty more to talk about, but I'll leave it at this for now.


----------



## stiletto (Oct 26, 2013)

You need to find yourself a purpose. It's not just given to you.
Have you tried investing yourself into a charity, cause or even caring for another life form other than yourself? 

As an ENTJ, it helps to feel productive, needed and protective over something/someone else. Gives life more meaning. Perhaps that may stem into a career. If money doesn't make you happy, you need to find out what does.

This is a huge aside from the typical but important advice to get professional help. 

Feelings are temporary. This too will pass. It just takes time.


----------



## He's a Superhero! (May 1, 2013)

@*Dalton*, have you checked out the stickied threads on depression and suicidal thoughts yet? There is heaps of information and practical advice that really is helpful, including videos to watch. Please feel free to check it out, and let me know what you think.


----------



## Word Dispenser (May 18, 2012)

Dalton said:


> *Warning: graphic content related to suicide.
> *
> Current life is hopeless. Future life is hopeless. What do I have to expect?
> 
> ...


Well, it sounds like you feel like you are without purpose.

The truth of the matter is, a purpose is only a purpose when you've found it.

What people live for is entirely subjective. You want a job you love, so go seek it. No one is stopping you.

My suggestion would be to try volunteer work at venues which you feel you might enjoy. Try out different hobbies-- Rock climbing, fishing, swimming, reading, writing, drawing, etc. 

You're never too old to master a skill, so that means drawing, singing, or acting are all on the table-- It's about interest, and time spent. The more you work at it, the better you become.

Go to activities/clubs where you know you'll find like-minded people.

Just make the time and initiative, and go out there and find your purpose by exploring!


----------



## Lord Bullingdon (Aug 9, 2014)

I remember some of your posts from the Enneagram section, @Dalton. I'd just like to say, I feel ya bro.

You sound like how I was in college. God, it's a depressing place really. A mill designed to churn us out into society to be productive citizens, and nearly everyone is alcoholic. 

I habitually swung down into "THIS is the best time of my life??" territory. My classes were interesting, but didn't stimulate me on a deeper level. I was friendless, incapable of reaching out, lonely. Now that I'm officially "old", I kick myself for wasting my youth (which I knew would happen even at the time), but sheesh, everything seemed so empty at the time, and what did I have to look forward to? Life in Corporate America, paying off my mortgage, worrying about taxes, making ends meet, and kids? Is that what life really is supposed to be? The endless rat race? Nothing to enjoy in the present, no future to look forward to.

That was how I felt. I sometimes still do. Just the other day, I was wondering if my futile empty existence was really worth continuing. Life is...well...boring. I self-entertain by sitting in front of a computer and studying languages, but what if this is all it ever consists of? 

MOAR!

Well, Dalton, I can pass down a couple words of wisdom. First, you want to keep your possibilities open--it _could_ get better. And there's really no rush on ending your own life. If you're hypothetically going to live to age 80, you've got plenty of time. As you said in the OP, no reason to leave someone else with the mess.

Second, and more importantly, there _is_ a real world out there. I stayed several extra years in college, because I honestly believed I had no future beyond what I said above. I graduated right into that stupid recession afterward. And I had to get creative. 

If I could give advice to Younger Self, it would be to graduate as quickly as possible and establish something in a place where people still have a sense of proportion, where life is still valued, where positive contributions _can_ make a difference. *Yes, there are places like this*, just not in mainstream America (or other developed nations, I don't know where you're from). Shit, I'd start 5 years younger if I could. Get the hell out of this bubble, and maybe you'll discover your purpose. The reason you feel depressed is *because you have a soul*, not because your life is actually worthless. The reason the future seems hopeless is cultural (I'm still talking about me here).

I can't say I have all the answers, because I'm on a journey myself. But, I think you're like me in that you need to cast a broader net, think outside the box, and find a place where people still believe in the future. 

I hope this was of some sort of aid to you.


----------



## Dalton (Jun 10, 2013)

stiletto said:


> You need to find yourself a purpose. It's not just given to you.
> Have you tried investing yourself into a charity, cause or even caring for another life form other than yourself?


No I haven't, because I'm either not interested or physically incapable.



> As an ENTJ, it helps to feel productive, needed and protective over something/someone else. Gives life more meaning. Perhaps that may stem into a career. If money doesn't make you happy, you need to find out what does.


Always stabbing at my mind is the fact that, even though money doesn't make me happy, I can't be happy _without_ it. Starvation, homelessness, etc.



> Feelings are temporary. This too will pass. It just takes time.


It seems more like the lack of feelings is temporary. 



He's a Superhero! said:


> @*Dalton*, have you checked out the stickied threads on depression and suicidal thoughts yet? There is heaps of information and practical advice that really is helpful, including videos to watch. Please feel free to check it out, and let me know what you think.


A lot of it isn't really geared in a way that makes me comfortable, not skeptical/cynical/serious enough.



Word Dispenser said:


> Well, it sounds like you feel like you are without purpose.
> 
> The truth of the matter is, a purpose is only a purpose when you've found it.
> 
> What people live for is entirely subjective. You want a job you love, so go seek it. No one is stopping you.


But I feel like reality is stopping me.



> My suggestion would be to try volunteer work at venues which you feel you might enjoy. Try out different hobbies-- Rock climbing, fishing, swimming, reading, writing, drawing, etc.


I already have school, so I can't really commit to much more.



> Go to activities/clubs where you know you'll find like-minded people.


I feel like I've already exhausted those options for the most part.



The Typeless Wonder said:


> If I could give advice to Younger Self, it would be to graduate as quickly as possible and establish something in a place where people still have a sense of proportion, where life is still valued, where positive contributions _can_ make a difference. *Yes, there are places like this*, just not in mainstream America (or other developed nations, I don't know where you're from). Shit, I'd start 5 years younger if I could. Get the hell out of this bubble, and maybe you'll discover your purpose. The reason you feel depressed is *because you have a soul*, not because your life is actually worthless.


I had a hard time understanding what you're saying here. I guess I could move to a different country. Maybe buy some land and start a farm. I could live on my own terms, I guess.


----------



## He's a Superhero! (May 1, 2013)

Dalton said:


> A lot of it isn't really geared in a way that makes me comfortable, not skeptical/cynical/serious enough.


We try all kinds of things through the thread, all of which people have found helpful. I'd be happy to hear any suggestions you might have that work for you, and many other sufferers may also find it beneficial.


----------



## Lord Bullingdon (Aug 9, 2014)

Dalton said:


> I had a hard time understanding what you're saying here. I guess I could move to a different country. Maybe buy some land and start a farm. I could live on my own terms, I guess.


That was merely the advice I would have given to myself. Stream of consciousness. You don't have to move to another country, although I did. I can see you want more from life than what society generally advertises, however.


----------



## 66393 (Oct 17, 2013)

Dalton said:


> Always stabbing at my mind is the fact that, even though money doesn't make me happy, I can't be happy _without_ it. Starvation, homelessness, etc.












You're right. Here's Maslowe's Hierarchy of Needs. To fill out most of the essential bottom two sections, you need money. Without those two covered you cannot ascend into the higher, and less animalistic parts of the pyramid. 






Dalton said:


> I feel like reality is stopping me.


From what exactly? This sounds like an axiomatic cop-out. Reality will stop you from everything, the fun part of life is working around the restrictions of reality. Imagine how boring life would be if everything were handed to us. It might appear fun and lax at first, but that is the _definition_ of a _futile existence_. What you have is a _directionless_ existence. At this point you've strayed far from the trail, you're sitting in the middle of no-where, confused and despondent. You need to start making efforts in retracing your steps to make it back to your original trail. And you will see many other paths along the way, most will not be yours, so don't jump onto those for an easy escape. You must find _your_ _own_ path.




Dalton said:


> I already have school, so I can't really commit to much more.


Take a leave if you have to. Finding reason in your life is [much] more important than school is at the moment. If you're suicidal and decide to surrender to such inclinations, school will have been entirely useless.




Dalton said:


> I had a hard time understanding what you're saying here. I guess I could move to a different country. Maybe buy some land and start a farm. I could live on my own terms, I guess.


What makes you so sure you wouldn't be unhappy there once the initial excitement dies down?



My _personal opinion:_

Well, to start, I've been through a similar experience. What I found is when you have a goal or purpose, all the bullshit you have to go through on a daily basis becomes worth it to serve in achieving that goal. What I think you lack is a goal, passion, and meaning. I think you need to change you major ASAP, for starters. Take classes on things that intrigue you. You are going to live a life of unhappiness if you hate the career you're going into. So what, you make 20k less in a career you love. It's better than being loaded with material possessions and being miserable your whole life. Material goods are transitory, our society just idolizes them. Think of a child getting a new toy. They are engrossed with it for about 5 minutes, and then, the awe is over, they want a new toy now....That's how material possessions are always going to be. Aristotle is the one who advocated for materialism, and a lot of those beliefs are ingrained into our culture. Well, all Western culture is flooded with all sorts of Greek belief. That's an entirely different conversation though. 

I think you should find a career that helps sustain your basic needs. But I don't think you should go into a Business major because it is 'socially correct.' It's becoming despairingly hard to find a job with that major anyways - it's more impacted than hell was after all the Nazi's were killed. I'm guessing you either didn't know what other major to choose, or were pressured into a Business major by family? You need to re-evaluate your life, find the things that do, or used to make you happy, and start pursuing those full time. Then you start working through obstacles like school in order to make them happen. 

If you would like to further talk my PM's are always open.


----------



## BigMac123 (Jul 6, 2014)

You say you want to be happy? and by the sounds of things most if not all of what you do makes you unhappy, correct?

So change, start to do things that make you happy and do things that you are interested in, or do things that you know will help you in the future. If college isn't for you and it causes more harm then good then why go? try an apprenticeship ? Experiment with new hobbies whether they interest you or not, Meditation ? tai-chi? music? art? gym?

Like *stiletto* said, charity work is a good direction to go towards, as helping other people find happiness opens doors into new things both in your physical and mental worlds, that could change your life forever. 

You haven't committed suicide because you're mentally strong, the fact that you are alive means you haven't given up on everything yet. 

Be positive, be happy, be nice to people, smile, be open to change, seek help, ask questions. Ask yourself if whatever is making you sad is real, and then decide whether it even matters, and then what needs to be changed to change?


----------

