# My Mom Is ruining my Marriage. Help



## ken_creo (Jul 14, 2014)

Hopefully I will get some tips from the wise people in here since I am in need of one. 

I am male, INFP I think, and suffered a divorce. I was married to what I think is an ENTJ, our marriage didn’t last, only one year and a half, a kid was born, and now we are divorced. I found another girl, she is really sweet, her parents are the best, and I feel like my god rewarded me for what I went through. Of course I’ve learnt my lessons and what to do and what to DON’T in a relationship. Everything is going well, except for my mom. 
My mother is from the type of *I CANT LET GO*, or, *I CANT JUST LET IT PASS*. She will not listen, and she will always do and speak the things in her head without thinking just because she wants to. She does things behind my back. She had a hand in destroying my first marriage * though I think its not totally her fault * and she is attacking my new fiancé. And I am really afraid that she will ruin my marriage again. 

Yesterday, she called my mother in law and told her that my fiancé is not good enough. And that she is really spoiled. My mother in law and my fiancé were really upset that nothing really happened so my mom would attack them like that. My reaction was clearly declaring that any interference with my marriage from anyone would result in ending my relation with them immediately. I know that she is really scared that the new one will do what my ex did, but my life became a living hell since I don’t know what mom will do next. I cant control her, I cant convince her!! My dad is a victim, I don’t want to lose him, I really like him!! And I don’t want to lose my mom either, she is old, 65, but I really cant ruin my marriage again. I am the only son lift for them. I will feel really guilty if I leave them. 

I am in need for an advice. I appreciate any help or any tip from anyone. God Bless all the good souls here. Thanks for reading.


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## lunagattina (Nov 7, 2014)

Ok...
see... 
I don't know if I can help you, because yes, I'm an only child and my mother is a widow, so she actualle has only me, but I would never ever ever accept a similar behavior from her.

I know, I'm INTP, my sensitiviness is not my best quality, and maybe I'm not a good soul, but I would say to my mother "do something similar again and you can forget to have a daughter." 

And my mother knows very well that I would stick to it. 

I don't like dramas, I hate being manipulated and I can't accept intrusions in my sentimental life from my mother.

It is a big BIG no no. 

You are creating a new family with your wife, and your parents or her parents should stay out of it. 

I would speak clearly with your mother "mom, what you have done is intrusive of my personal life and I can't accept it. If you have any complaints, talk to me, eventually. I can decide about my life and about my partners and if she is ok for me, you should simply be happy that I'm happy. If you can't do it, sorry, I can't approve it and this will obviolusly distance me from you. That is. "

This is what I would do.


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## Dao (Sep 13, 2013)

Group therapy? Unless your mother has a personality disorder, in which case you will ultimately have to go No Contact.


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## ENTJudgement (Oct 6, 2013)

You're the one who is to live with your new gf, not your mom, she has no say in who you choose to live your life with unless you want to live a life for your mom and listen to w/e she demands of you.

Your choice.


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## LibertyPrime (Dec 17, 2010)

<.< I'm not sure what relationship you have with your mother, however if my mother would be doing this I'd just give her an ultimatum. She either stops or I'll stop her permanently by cutting her out of my life. Imo she needs to respect certain boundaries & you need to man up & draw a line in the sand.

Your parents had a say in your life when you were a kid. They no longer do, you are a man & have a child, responsibilities etc..


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## ken_creo (Jul 14, 2014)

Lunagattina said:


> Ok...
> see...
> I don't know if I can help you, because yes, I'm an only child and my mother is a widow, so she actualle has only me, but I would never ever ever accept a similar behavior from her.
> 
> ...



this was very helpful. you are a good soul, trust me, i know when i meet one  god bless you


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## ken_creo (Jul 14, 2014)

FreeBeer said:


> <.< I'm not sure what relationship you have with your mother, however if my mother would be doing this I'd just give her an ultimatum. She either stops or I'll stop her permanently by cutting her out of my life. Imo she needs to respect certain boundaries & you need to man up & draw a line in the sand.
> 
> Your parents had a say in your life when you were a kid. They no longer do, you are a man & have a child, responsibilities etc..



thanks, been very helpful


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## ken_creo (Jul 14, 2014)

Termus123 said:


> You're the one who is to live with your new gf, not your mom, she has no say in who you choose to live your life with unless you want to live a life for your mom and listen to w/e she demands of you.
> 
> Your choice.


believe me its not easy just to drop your relation with your mom. but i agree with the warning thing though. Thanks for your post


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## ken_creo (Jul 14, 2014)

Shimmerleaf said:


> Group therapy? Unless your mother has a personality disorder, in which case you will ultimately have to go No Contact.



again, its not easy just to say goodbye to my mom. i know her problem and i know her fears. Thanks for your post


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## aendern (Dec 28, 2013)

Such an immature title.

You're ruining your own marriage.



hasan_almasri said:


> My mother is from the type of *I CANT LET GO*, or, *I CANT JUST LET IT PASS*. She will not listen, and she will always do and speak the things in her head without thinking just because she wants to. She does things behind my back. She had a hand in destroying my first marriage * though I think its not totally her fault * and she is attacking my new fiancé. And I am really afraid that she will ruin my marriage again.


Okay, so don't let her.



> Yesterday, she called my *ex-*mother in law*(?)* and told her that my fiancé is not good enough. And that she is really spoiled. My mother in law and my fiancé were really upset that nothing really happened so my mom would attack them like that. *My reaction was clearly declaring that any interference with my marriage from anyone would result in ending my relation with them immediately.*


Wonderful! So it seems like you already know the solution. So what's the issue? Why make this thread?



> I know that she is really scared that the new one will do what my ex did, but my life became a living hell since I don’t know what mom will do next. I cant control her, I cant convince her!!


So duh do the smartest thing: REMOVE HER FROM YOUR LIFE. Do not let toxic people suck the life out of you. Your time is valuable and they have to earn it. Parents are no exception.



> My dad is a victim, I don’t want to lose him, I really like him!!


Either
1) he isn't a victim and you're projecting or
2) he allowed himself to be a victim and clearly doesn't care enough to change anything



> And I don’t want to lose my mom either, she is old, 65, but I really cant ruin my marriage again. I am the only son lift for them. I will feel really guilty if I leave them.


Why? Why would you want to keep such an awful person in your life who is doing everything she can to make your life "a living hell"?


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## ken_creo (Jul 14, 2014)

thanks for your post.


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## Razare (Apr 21, 2009)

When Jesus had problems with devils interfering in his life and ministry, he didn't get upset with the person, he addressed satan himself and rebuked him:

Matt 16:23 - _But he turned, and said unto Peter, Get thee behind me, Satan: thou art an offence unto me: for thou savourest not the things that be of God, but those that be of men._

I think binding the devil is step #1.

Step #2, recognizing that losing your fiance is part of the curse in Deuteronomy 28.

Deut 28:30 - _You will be engaged to a woman, but another man will sleep with her._

Then understand we in Christ are redeemed from this curse:

Galatians 3:13 - _Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us—for it is written, “Cursed is everyone who is hanged on a tree”_


This is how I go about sorting the problems in my life out. It fixes them every time. It's a lot simpler than worrying. It's a lot simpler than self-effort where I frantically try to fix what God has already fixed.

Nope, I just walk in the blessings of God and give thanks to him. When you can start thanking God for your beautiful fiance and thanking him for the marriage you are going to have, then you will have already solved your problem.


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## dragthewaters (Feb 9, 2013)

Razare said:


> When Jesus had problems with devils interfering in his life and ministry, he didn't get upset with the person, he addressed satan himself and rebuked him:
> 
> Matt 16:23 - _But he turned, and said unto Peter, Get thee behind me, Satan: thou art an offence unto me: for thou savourest not the things that be of God, but those that be of men._
> 
> ...


So you're saying he should tie his mom up and hang her on a cross? Interesting.


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## Razare (Apr 21, 2009)

thismustbetheplace said:


> So you're saying he should tie his mom up and hang her on a cross? Interesting.


1 Corinthians 2:14 - But the natural man receiveth not the things of the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness unto him; neither can he know them, because they are spiritually discerned.


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## dragthewaters (Feb 9, 2013)

Razare said:


> 1 Corinthians 2:14 - But the natural man receiveth not the things of the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness unto him; neither can he know them, because they are spiritually discerned.


1 Corinthians 2:15 -- Misguided is the man who quotes random and irrelevant Bible verses to pretend like they are giving advice and being helpful, when in actuality they are just trying to spread Jesus all over the forum in any way possible, much like herpes.

1 Corinthians 2:16 -- The wise men of this earth are baffled by the man who comes on a forum not devoted to religion, and makes every post about religion somehow, even when it is completely irrelevant to the topic at hand and there is no indication that the OP shares the same religious beliefs. Even the Lord Himself wonders how such a man could possibly find this beneficial to either himself or others.

1 Corinthians 2:17 -- It may be wise for the moderators to install a rule against proselytizing or trying to convert people. Just sayin.


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## FlaviaGemina (May 3, 2012)

@hasan_almasri

Does your mother make any positive contribution to your life at all? E.g. when you visit her, do you look forward to any aspect of your visit or do you just visit her out of duty? Can you think of anything that is positive about your relationship with your mother?
If not, give her an ultimatum and if she doesn't stop behaving like this, cut her out of your life.

I've broken off all contact with my mother because she has a personality disorder (for which she refused treatment) and constantly interfered in my life. I don't miss her at all. If she wants to change and apologize to you, that's up to her. She's grown up and responsible for her own behaviour and personal development.


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## drmiller100 (Dec 3, 2011)

hasan_almasri said:


> Hop
> My mother is from the type of *I CANT LET GO*, or, *I CANT JUST LET IT PASS*. She will not listen, and she will always do and speak the things in her head without thinking just because she wants to



Once upon a time I was getting married. My mom and my fiance were best friends, thought the world of each other. 
I knew better - mom is crazy.

So, i told my fiance someday she was going to get in a fight abouit something, and no matter what I was going to take my Fiance's side. My fiance said I was crazy - That sweet lady?

So, i told my Mom someday she was going to get in a fight abouit something, and no matter what I was going to take my Fiance's side. My Mom said I was crazy - That sweet lady?

They spent 2 years proving me wrong. One day they got in a fight, and I quit speaking to my mom for 6 months. Eventually me and mom became friends again, with good boundaries, but everyone knew where I stood.

You have to figure it out for yourself.


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## planetanarchy (Aug 10, 2013)

There is something funky about the details- but I'm not going to judge it as when you're really mixed up in these situations it's hard to express clearly in a linear way what the situation is going on. I dealt with a seriously ill and jealous mother-in-law, at the end of the day, my boyfriend gave her the ultimatum and expected her to apologize to me and respect him. She called leaving angry drunken messages cursing him out on our answering machine- and that was when he made his choice to cut her off. If you have been with an entj GF in the past, there is a good chance she did a lot of the boundary setting for you, this time around you are the one that's going to have to do it. I would be unlikely to call your dad a victim straight off the bat, because there are a lot of unspoken contracts between two people you just might not get. I won't tell you to cut off your mom, but I will tell you to start picking away at WHY you feel responsible for others, and becoming more conscious of where your focus of energy is. Maybe starting off with boundaries is not the way to go for you in the beginning, because right now it seems like you're not even fully aware of the enmeshment...


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## Garek (Mar 12, 2015)

hasan_almasri said:


> My reaction was clearly declaring that any interference with my marriage from anyone would result in ending my relation with them immediately. I know that she is really scared that the new one will do what my ex did, but my life became a living hell since I don’t know what mom will do next. I cant control her, I cant convince her!! My dad is a victim, I don’t want to lose him, I really like him!! And I don’t want to lose my mom either, she is old, 65, but I really cant ruin my marriage again. I am the only son lift for them. I will feel really guilty if I leave them.
> 
> I am in need for an advice. I appreciate any help or any tip from anyone. God Bless all the good souls here. Thanks for reading.


You set the boundary, so stick with it. Be firm but clear that the door to her is open as long as she respects your boundaries, your wife, your marriage, and your wife's family. If you want her input, you'll ask. What she does is up to her. Dad is his own person and not bound by whatever choices your mom makes. You'll always be his son no matter what kind of stunt your mom pulls, so it's not (or shouldn't be) a "package deal" in terms of boundary enforcement.

Best of luck.


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## Empty (Sep 28, 2011)

Cut the bridge.

If the problem is not solved, then _burn it_.

Maybe I'm just insensitive. Oh well.

But you did ask for advice on how to resolve the problem. This is how I would do it (thankfully, my mother is not batshit crazy).


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## wanderlusts (Dec 15, 2014)

hasan_almasri said:


> Hopefully I will get some tips from the wise people in here since I am in need of one.
> 
> I am male, INFP I think, and suffered a divorce. I was married to what I think is an ENTJ, our marriage didn’t last, only one year and a half, a kid was born, and now we are divorced. I found another girl, she is really sweet, her parents are the best, and I feel like my god rewarded me for what I went through. Of course I’ve learnt my lessons and what to do and what to DON’T in a relationship. Everything is going well, except for my mom.
> My mother is from the type of *I CANT LET GO*, or, *I CANT JUST LET IT PASS*. She will not listen, and she will always do and speak the things in her head without thinking just because she wants to. She does things behind my back. She had a hand in destroying my first marriage * though I think its not totally her fault * and she is attacking my new fiancé. And I am really afraid that she will ruin my marriage again.
> ...


Tell your momma to butt out and go have her own life. You're a grown man,ffs. I was telling my mom to lay off when I was a teenager. It's not that hard. 

Sit her down and make her realize how ridiculous she's acting. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## stiletto (Oct 26, 2013)

It's so odd that most of what people say in this thread is typical of what I'd usually tell others too. But as an ENTJ wife with an ISFP husband and an INFP sibling, I know it will be difficult to mobilize these suggestions.

You already know where your priorities are. They are with your new wife. And you already know what plan you need to execute.

You've set a clear boundary, but you WILL need to follow through if your mom doesn't respect it.

In the future, I suggest damage control. As the son, it is YOUR job to deal with your mom. Not your wife's or her family. My ISFP husband has a mother like this. He keeps them at arm's length. He will call/chat with them once a month, see them on special occasions, but has accepted that they are not healthy to be around all the time. It's unfortunate, but we are starting our family and influences are very important.

Now, my INFP sibling would reason with my mother first. I'm assuming you have already done that.
Then do damage control. Speak to your wife and her family about it to prepare them for your mom's unpredictability. 

Most importantly, she only causes ruin in your marriage if you ALLOW it. If you give her opinions weight, you are giving her power. Treat it like a natural disaster. Be prepared, but don't let it make you paranoid.

The MOST important rule I've learned, DO NOT share your intimate and private details of your marriage with your parents. Especially NEGATIVES. It takes 5 positives to undo one negative comment on average and your parents (who are protective of you) may have those negative seared in forever. You and your wife need to get on the same page about what is shared with extended family and what is not so things cannot be used against you or her. 

When you say you are on your wife's side, you really have to be 100%. Not standing up in a solid manner is not 100%.


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## dweeb (Feb 18, 2015)

maybe marrying your mom wasn't the best idea


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## EndsOfTheEarth (Mar 14, 2015)

Some people can't be managed unfortunately. Those people one needs to cut out of their lives, they have no interest in respecting your boundaries or even seeing you as someone independant from themselves. My mother is one such person, she had to go for my own sanity. 

The fact that your mother had the private phone number of your girlfriend's parents tells me that perhaps you over share the details of your life with her. How else would she even know who these people are? Let alone call them up and spew forth toxic crap. Stop doing that, it's difficult I know, especially if you have been trained from a young age to ove rshare in this way. But you have to start putting come boundaries in place by not involving irrelevant people in the intimate details of your life. Time to cut the apron strings.


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## Dezir (Nov 25, 2013)

hasan_almasri said:


> Hopefully I will get some tips from the wise people in here since I am in need of one.
> 
> I am male, INFP I think, and suffered a divorce. I was married to what I think is an ENTJ, our marriage didn’t last, only one year and a half, a kid was born, and now we are divorced. I found another girl, she is really sweet, her parents are the best, and I feel like my god rewarded me for what I went through. Of course I’ve learnt my lessons and what to do and what to DON’T in a relationship. Everything is going well, except for my mom.
> My mother is from the type of *I CANT LET GO*, or, *I CANT JUST LET IT PASS*. She will not listen, and she will always do and speak the things in her head without thinking just because she wants to. She does things behind my back. She had a hand in destroying my first marriage * though I think its not totally her fault * and she is attacking my new fiancé. And I am really afraid that she will ruin my marriage again.
> ...


Hi, to begin with, I'm INTJ, with enneagram 4 "The Artist" which is also the reason why I tend to score as anything between the T-F, J-P axis, but the functions says I'm an INTJ. So you can think of me as an INXX.

Now, concerning your problem, you have to decide. I know it's a hard thing and I know that you don't want this but you have to decide between your mother or your marriage; because both won't happen. Your mother won't allow the marriage and your marriage would be full of rocks with your mother.

1) What you want to do is up to you. What I would advise you to do, is tell your mother that: "She is selfish, and she doesn't think about you but only about herself, she doesn't care whether you're happy or not all she care is that you don't marry because she doesn't want to". - If she would understand and change her mind that would be great, but if she doesn't, I'm afraid you have to make the hard call. Don't be afraid to do it because it's the only way to preserve your marriage.

2) If she doesn't understand and calls you smacks back at you, you should say to her: "It's either me with the marriage, or me leaving you for good, make your call", you don't have to use the exact same words but you have to mean the same things, and really mean it. This will wake up something in her, she wants to preserve her son and this one will tell her that you accept no compromise, she will have to make the call.

- If she accepts. Then you can have a happy marriage with your mother by your side, and if she gets back in her "old ways" you should remember her the thing with either you with marriage or you leaving her. Don't except her to like your new fiance, but only to be nice.

- Now, if she doesn't, there's really no other way to keep these two things together. You have to leave her, for good, never call her again, never talk about her, never help her in any way. If she changes her mind and comes back at you saying that she's sorry, accept it, but the next time she's being bad to your fiance or her family again warn her that you will leave her again if she does that. She won't like them, that comes from the heart, but she will be nice to them, that comes from her desire to be with you.

x) About your father. If your mother doesn't understand you can always keep contacting him only and ignore her. Or even find for him a place to live if he wants so.

I know I'm asking you a hard thing, leaving your mother if she doesn't want to, but it's either you or her. Your happiness or her happiness, because clearly she doesn't seem to understand your happiness, and if you can't change her mind, that's it. If you have any questions feel free to ask.


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## Death Persuades (Feb 17, 2012)

Tell her that she is causing you stress and pain, and if she doesn't stop after that, then I'm afraid it's time to stop contact for a while.


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## Sangmu (Feb 18, 2014)

Something that has amazed me in adulthood is finding out how many men are in emotionally incestuous relationships with their mothers. 

Mothers doing this...you really need to cut that shit out.

Ultimately it's up to you to realize that you're mother has poor boundaries and does not respect you. This must be confronted realistically and grieved over in order for you to save your marriage. Remember, you can still love your mother whilst not liking her and protecting yourself from her. It's unwise to set a goal to not love your mother but you can set no contact goals.

If your father is experiencing elder abuse tell him you are here to help him. A call away. If the abuse is quite bad, call authorities and report your concerns. There's not a lot of support for men in abusive relationships but there's support for elderly men.

If he's staying due to sense of honor, out of fear of being a "bad person" if he leaves (this was my grandfathers rationale for staying in an abusive situation), there's not much you'll be able to do.


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## Biracial (Sep 8, 2010)

Sometimes wolves and tigers enter a family through marriage.


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