# Changes in Sexuality?



## IonOfAeons (Dec 2, 2010)

I'm having a real problem working out a situation that's come up recently from meeting this new guy at university. He's a type 4 INFP that I met at a board-gaming club thing and after we got over the initial awkwardness, 'cause neither of us are wonderfully socially adept, we really started hitting it off and have been having some great conversations.

See... that's not all though... I'm also beginning to see him as very attractive, in a romantic sense. I have suspicions that he may feel the same way. The problem here is that I'm finding it very confusing because for my whole life I assumed I was straight, I've never taken an interest in guys before.

Now I've also wondered if this could just be a one-time thing, but I'm also seeing other guys as attractive too... Though not as much as him. I think I still have a slight preference for women, but this feels strongly like a change in my sexuality, does this sound remotely possible? I've always believed I could tell what's going on with me emotionally so I'm inclined to believe this is actually happening, but it's such a shock to me that I'm not completely sure...

Does anyone have any advice on the matter?

Most importantly, how do I proceed with this? Should I say anything to this other guy if I'm not sure? Heck I'm not even sure of _his_ sexuality. What if I'm making a mistake and I haven't actually changed, that this is just a phase? Is it worth the risk?


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## funcoolname (Sep 17, 2011)

I think sexuality is either on a continuum, or it's just whatever, we're attracted to who we're attracted to. It's possible yours has changed to either bi or gay, who knows, it's just a difficult topic to pin down. I've known people who have become bi/gay and I've known people who thought they were and then decided they weren't. If you think you might be, you might be, I guess the only way you'll know for sure is if you try.


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## nevermore (Oct 1, 2010)

Maybe it's a change, but most likely not. It's most likely just a part of you that's never awoken before. Most of us have preferences, some of us more strongly than others, but sexuality is not usually black and white. This could be my own bias, but I find it very difficult to believe when people tell me they have _never_ found anyone of the same sex romantically or sexually appealing. There are just too many people out there in the world for anyone to use a word that strong.:wink:


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## IonOfAeons (Dec 2, 2010)

nevermore said:


> Maybe it's a change, but most likely not. It's most likely just a part of you that's never awoken before. Most of us have preferences, some of us more strongly than others, but sexuality is not usually black and white. This could be my own bias, but I find it very difficult to believe when people tell me they have _never_ found anyone of the same sex romantically or sexually appealing. There are just too many people out there in the world for anyone to use a word that strong.:wink:


I too believe that it's a continuum. Bisexuality itself suggests a significant shift towards the middle to me. As in being significantly attracted to both, rather than strongly preferring one and only very occasionally being interested in others. I'm not sure if this is a true change on my part because I haven't tried being intimate with another guy yet, I don't _know_ that a guy can get me going sexually the same way that women have in the past. That's one of the things I don't know if I can know without trying it out. Which is one of the things I'm worried about. What if this isn't a significant change? Then even if this guy is interested in me I may just end up hurting him by trying to go down a road I'm not ready for.

I'm going to edit the original post to include that part.


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## Jennywocky (Aug 7, 2009)

> Now I've also wondered if this could just be a one-time thing, but I'm also seeing other guys as attractive too... Though not as much as him. I think I still have a slight preference for women, but this feels strongly like a change in my sexuality, does this sound remotely possible? I've always believed I could tell what's going on with me emotionally so I'm inclined to believe this is actually happening, but it's such a shock to me that I'm not completely sure...


It depends on how you frame it. 

I approach sexuality more like I approach personality -- there are some inherent patterns/inclinations (we know this from lab research on animals and on research with humans), but environment can basically encourage/train us to express various ranges of behavior regardless of what happens to be natural for us. Sometimes the disparity between nature and nurture is small enough that those expressions are never challenged, sometimes we find ourselves in a situation where we realize that inside we've got a large unmanageable disparity between our feelings/inclinations vs what we've been taught or the coping mechanisms we have developed.

Long story short, I tend to think you're more just "discovering" yourself in new ways rather than a wholesale change per se. But in the end, it kind of all looks the same.

I don't really know a way for you to "be sure" without exploring the feelings. There are many things in life where you might not "be sure," but you just make the best decision you can when you have to make it and make sure it reflects you as you best understand yourself at the time. If things change to the point where you cannot maintain that understanding of yourself, then reevaluate.



> What if this isn't a significant change? Then even if this guy is interested in me I may just end up hurting him by trying to go down a road I'm not ready for.


I think it shows maturity to consider the impact of your exploration on the other person. This is why honesty in the relationship is so important. Ultimately, it is not your job to take care of the other person / protect them from life. You simply have to be honest with him (in this situation) about where you are, and let him decide if he wants to take the risk. But it is imperative you be honest -- I would think he should know you've never been in a relationship with another male, but here's the level of interest you feel, etc., and you would like to explore it, and if he is willing to do that, you are willing.

You don't want to mislead him, you want to empower him to decide whether he's willing to take the risk.

I can't really advise on whether or not you should approach this particular INFP 4 guy. There's some kind of cliche that INFP 4 males can appear to be gay, and I understand why that cliche exists (in fact, one of my closest friends IRL for awhile was an INFP 9 guy, he was insanely metrosexual and would laugh at how some people thought he was gay, despite him being straight); so it's hard to tell in your situation. How you approach it depends on your level of comfort and risk. Some guys would be blunt and just plunge ahead and if it fails, it fails. Otherse are only comfortable with a conservative, "feel it out" approach -- dropping cues and seeing if the guy picks up on them. INFPs do think outside the box, which helps.


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## nevermore (Oct 1, 2010)

IonOfAeons said:


> I too believe that it's a continuum. Bisexuality itself suggests a significant shift towards the middle to me. As in being significantly attracted to both, rather than strongly preferring one and only very occasionally being interested in others. I'm not sure if this is a true change on my part because I haven't tried being intimate with another guy yet, I don't _know_ that a guy can get me going sexually the same way that women have in the past. That's one of the things I don't know if I can know without trying it out. Which is one of the things I'm worried about. What if this isn't a significant change? Then even if this guy is interested in me I may just end up hurting him by trying to go down a road I'm not ready for.
> 
> I'm going to edit the original post to include that part.


Hm, I understand. Normally I'd recommend experimenting with another guy you trust and who has the same expectations as you, but you're saying there's a romantic element going on here, so that makes it pretty different.

If you find out the guy is gay or bi, my advice would be to just be drop a hint about your curiosity but also let him know you lean strongly towards women. Be honest about it before you reveal you're "crushing" on him. That way you wont feel as bad if it does end, and he (if he's still interested) will be able to put himself in the right mental frame of mind.


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## IonOfAeons (Dec 2, 2010)

Thanks to all of you for your suggestions, I've been avoiding dealing with the situation like a coward for the past week though... but I have updates now!

We started talking about past relationships that we've had before and I found out that he had a massive attraction towards an ISTP male friend of his a while ago who he thought he wanted to date but couldn't get up the courage to admit it, even though he thought the guy was bisexual. He told me he was worried that the guy wasn't attracted to him because he found it difficult to talk to him, and that he also didn't know if they could relate to each other emotionally.

I kind of gave him a spontaneous hug then... Which was weird because I don't do spontaneous with acts of affection all that much. Then I asked him if he still felt like he wanted to know what it would have been like. Would he go through with it if he met some other guy he liked, maybe one who was more emotionally open to him (yes I am so very subtle...) He said yes he thought so, if there was someone who could relate to the way he felt. Then he asked me if I had felt the same way about someone some time in the past. I chickened out there though and said no, without expanding that I did feel that way now.

We kind of tailed off after that point. I'd gone over to his place because he said it would be nice to talk to someone who wouldn't dismiss him for lamenting over stuff that people usually don't get why he thinks about it. I think he feels a bit isolated from other people emotionally so it's sort of a relief for him to be able to talk to me. But the atmosphere was a bit different after that conversation. We started off just talking about relationships in general and relating to each other's issues, but I think we ended up reaching a stalemate in 'want to say, but can't' with that issue.

Do I just need to blurt it out? He's quite a difficult person to read. He's so emotionally intense that I get constant readings from him but I'm not completely sure if that's just his normal massive deposit of feelings or if I'm changing the way he's feeling.


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## Bast (Mar 23, 2011)

Well, it sounds like maybe admitting that you like him wouldn't be as scary as you thought, even if he doesn't feel the same way towards you. If you tell him, the worst that could happen would be that he doesn't feel the same, but you could remain friends. The best that could happen is that you might start a great relationship  Even though it's scary and hard to admit that you like someone, I say go for it.


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## funcoolname (Sep 17, 2011)

If he asked you if you had felt that way about someone in the past, I think it's a bit of encouragement. I can't see someone who wasn't at all interested asking that question, especially after a hug. :/


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## IonOfAeons (Dec 2, 2010)

I... actually did it...

I'm flabbergasted... All my paranoia, lack of self-confidence, confusion melted away when I flat out asked him today 'why did you ask me if I had ever been interested in someone the way you had?'
Despite not saying anything at first, I persisted with him and then surprised myself by asking 'is it because you want to know if I could be attracted to someone like you?'

It was a rush, even if slightly terrifying, and he validated me by looking up and saying 'Yes. Have you been thinking about it just as much as me?'

I never expected him to be able to admit it so simply and perfectly like that. We agreed to experiment. We actually talked about how we weren't sure if these feelings would stay, so we had to agree to be sensitive to each other's needs and be open about if anything changed.

I just... can't believe it... It's utterly perfect. Me totally confused here, presented by equally confused person who is completely open to the same possibilities as me. I'm amazed, we're both going into this with the same expectations, the same requirements.

There's only one expression for this situation

:kitteh:


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## funcoolname (Sep 17, 2011)

Gahhhh! Congratulations!


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## Spiny (Jun 21, 2011)

I just wanted to thank @IonOfAeons and the advice-givers in this thread; reading it helped rationalise my own situation =)


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## dizzygirl (Dec 19, 2009)

I think you don't need to label it.
Chances are you most probably like this guy because he has so many traits that you'd want to find in a person and so you like him a lot. Maybe the person is caring and on the same wavelength as you and you guys don't really have disagreements. Maybe it's simple things like these that attracted you to him in the first place.
Don't freak yourself out too much by thinking 'this is the first time i liked a guy' but think more along the lines that 'this is the first time someone gets me this much!' 
You should gradually let things progress...bring up sexuality in a discussion...be subtle and see what he has to say. Don't make a final move, just let things flow in the right manner. A fun heated debate in close quarters might very well end in a cute physical contact! :wink:


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## dizzygirl (Dec 19, 2009)

oh yay!!! i just read your other posts :3 awwwww I'm so happy for you! hugs!


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## Koran Angel (Nov 2, 2011)

IonOfAeons said:


> I... actually did it...
> 
> I'm flabbergasted... All my paranoia, lack of self-confidence, confusion melted away when I flat out asked him today 'why did you ask me if I had ever been interested in someone the way you had?'
> Despite not saying anything at first, I persisted with him and then surprised myself by asking 'is it because you want to know if I could be attracted to someone like you?'
> ...


Wow! This is like some great little romantic short story :happy:


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