# Not sure of what I want or need



## JoetheBull (Apr 29, 2010)

This is a bit difficult to explain but I'll try to make some form of sense. I kind of hit a wall in life and I am very lost and not even sure where I am heading in life. I am not sure what I even want career wise, relationship wise, or even life style. I am not even sure if there is even a point in my life or I even have thoughts that I was meant to die in the army when I was younger. So many of the thoughts in my head of what I think I might want seem to be unrealistic or just delusions. Not sure if I just become numb/or zombie like over the past couple of years due to something I can't think of or I am just being avoident towards life. I know if I don't do something to try to get my life somewhat on track soon I will end up dying a very regretful life. Has anyone encountered this problem with there life or know a means to find the solution to the problem? Thank you in advance for any advice and putting up with me and my inability to figure this out on my own:frustrating:


----------



## Thrifty Walrus (Jul 8, 2010)

How old are you? Sounds like a mid life crisis lying in wait. All I can say is don't buy a snowboard or a motorcycle or a boat or something to try and find "fulfillment". I think some good old-fashioned alone time with some introspection could help. Not any regular introspection, I mean deep. Try hard to stay objective when thinking about what you've accomplished and what you want to accomplish. 

Don't freak out if you don't think you've accomplished anything. 

Know that at you've probably affected a lot of people in a positive way, even if they only remember you as some stranger who held the door open for them. And maybe try and tap into any passions you may have once had but abandoned for whatever reason, see if the fire is still there. Hopefully that can get you started, 'cause in the end only you will be able to help yourself, not anyone else.

Good luck


----------



## jbking (Jun 4, 2010)

*Hhhmm....*



JoetheBull said:


> I know if I don't do something to try to get my life somewhat on track soon I will end up dying a very regretful life. Has anyone encountered this problem with there life or know a means to find the solution to the problem?


I was in a similar situation a few months back where I saw my life in rather bleak terms as I was falling asleep during the day, in constant pain and dealing with a few health problems all at once. This wasn't a fun time in my life and I did end up seeking some help that did put some of my life back on track in a way. A big part of this was a person being re-introduced into my life that seemed to brighten my outlook and perk me up along with having a few other changes to help address some of my other issues like my sleep apnea and stuff. While I don't know if that will solve it for you, I do offer it as something to try that may help. Consider what kinds of dreams or goals you want as well as how hard is it to try for this or that. You don't have to be perfect but you do have to try to see what you want or need rather than always second guessing yourself that may get you nowhere fast.

Quarter-life crisis would be the term that also comes to mind if you don't know what you want to do but are a young adult. I'm in my mid-30s and had this so I sort of see mine as a Third-life crisis but the idea is the same. "Where am I going? What is the point of my existence? Why am I here?" being the big questions that come over and over again. The "What do I want?" still kind of haunts me but I try to remember to have everything be in moderation and see what works and what doesn't.


----------



## susurration (Oct 22, 2009)

JoetheBull said:


> This is a bit difficult to explain but I'll try to make some form of sense. I kind of hit a wall in life and I am very lost and not even sure where I am heading in life. I am not sure what I even want career wise, relationship wise, or even life style. I am not even sure if there is even a point in my life or I even have thoughts that I was meant to die in the army when I was younger. So many of the thoughts in my head of what I think I might want seem to be unrealistic or just delusions. Not sure if I just become numb/or zombie like over the past couple of years due to something I can't think of or I am just being avoident towards life. I know if I don't do something to try to get my life somewhat on track soon I will end up dying a very regretful life. Has anyone encountered this problem with there life or know a means to find the solution to the problem? Thank you in advance for any advice and putting up with me and my inability to figure this out on my own:frustrating:


"Not sure of what I want or need"

Why are you not sure? do you sense that you aren't equipped with enough information to make any decisions regarding what you want or need? and why is that do you think? 

Can you possibly start with what you don't want, and what you don't need? you mentioned you don't want to live regretting what couldv'e been.

I ask these questions, because perhaps understanding what you want and need takes experience. I once read a quote that experiencing the extremes of life is the only way to find some sort of balance, or temperance. You may feel as if you are clutching at straws trying to define what would be good for you, because you don't have the personal experience to be able to know wholeheartedly and with more certainty what you truly need, and what makes you fulfilled. I know the uncertainty is hard to deal with. It sometimes feels as if you are subsisting in a limbo state, and you aren't a fully formed human being. You feel very lost in terms of place, and persona. Not only do you ask many existential questions, you start questioning your self. And you don't really feel as if you know or understand either. 
John Keats called the capacity to exist amongst uncertainty, 'negative capability'. I think this is a transitional period you can get through, and learn a lot from. But you'll have to keep changing perspective and remaining focus on the big picture. I guess though, this is life. Many things will always be uncertain, but we can get through it, using perspective and our own attitudes to think our way through it. We all have to be pretty strong mentally to get this far, don't doubt your ability to deal with this situation. 

"So many of the thoughts in my head of what I think I might want seem to be unrealistic or just delusions". It seems like you are experiencing many blocks getting through to seeing what you want. It may help you to just brainstorm and free-write everything you're thinking about and what's on your mind, until you have nothing more to say, -without- filtering it. You can't really get a good understanding of what's really in your head, if you have all these other attitudes like "I could never achieve that" or "I don't have any needs, and I shouldn't have needs" blocking your ability to truly tap into what you really need to feel fulfilled.

I think we all go through a similar phase and I don't know whether it really truly has a conclusion. You're not alone  and JB's right, you don't have to get through it alone either. Sometimes reaching out to someone is the best decision you can make for yourself.


----------



## Quin Sabe (Jan 26, 2010)

It might be good idea if haven't already join a club or organization of some sort. But not as escape to learn and watch how act with it. If you really enjoy it or not, use it as a self learning thing. And maybe, it might shed some light, just try to be very self-aware and open, not self-conscious just aware of how you're acting unconsciously and if really like it, or just some aspects or none of it. Doing this has helped me in figuring stuff out while in college. Just throwing it out there, lol


----------



## JoetheBull (Apr 29, 2010)

I am 28. 29 at the end of April. Don't worry not the type to buy things for fulfillment. Well except maybe video games or dvds. 



> Why are you not sure? do you sense that you aren't equipped with enough information to make any decisions regarding what you want or need? and why is that do you think?


As you mentioned @Nova lack of experience is part of it. Also not sure how to interpret most of the experiences I have already had. It all could be simple fear of moving forward and making the wrong turn tripping into the rabbit hole. Well that is only part of it. I actually been having this problem off and on for years now. Even longer then I originally think. I may also lack trust in myself due to all the time I wasted on being obsessed with something that turned out to be very disappointing:frustrating:. 



> JB's right, you don't have to get through it alone either. Sometimes reaching out to someone is the best decision you can make for yourself.


 Unfortunately I don't really have anyone to turn to in rl. My friends and family mean well but often tend to make things worse. It's doesn't help that I am the odd one out of all of them.
@Thrifty Walrus I have actually tried looking into some of my old passions. It is helping a little.

@Quin Sabe I have joined a few groups on meetup.com but they all tend to meet up when I have to work.

Thank you all so far.


----------



## Merov (Mar 8, 2009)

Take up Religion. It'll fill the gaps you need to have filled. It's self fulfilling. Take your pick...they're pretty much all the same.

Oh, and stop playing WoW. 3 out of 5 Psychologist agree that it's bad for your mental development.


----------



## Thrifty Walrus (Jul 8, 2010)

Actually, wow can be a crippling addiction. The way you get random rewards after finishing a raid is no different then pulling a lot machine lever, it gets you addicted through random reward. I'm not saying you're addicted, but maybe taking a break would do you some good. This is coming from a hardcore gamer up until a couple years ago, I played WoW, Starcraft, Gears of War, Call of Duty, Halo, Mass Effect, etc. I don't know about you, but as I don't really play sports, video games kind of served as a competitive outlet for me as well. So for example I replaced video games with poker (at the time), it was very competitive, but surprisingly didn't have that addiction factor of video games. 

Now I've gone even further and replaced that with chess, but it could be anything. And I'm not gonna lie, I feel better. Not just to be free of the compulsion to play, but from the compulsion to buy. To be honest that made it a lot easier to give up, it just cost soooo much money. I mean, I upgrade to a wirelesss router so the dogs don't pull out the ethernet cord running through the house, then I get a new controller cause one is worn out, then I need to renew my xbox live, then 2 new games come out, then I need to get an intercooler to help avoid the red ring, then I get the red ring anyway and need a new xbox, I mean it really adds up.

In fact, I think giving up video games if not for a long time, just do it until you "find yourself". Don't get me wrong, I love and appreciate video games of all kinds, which is why you should listen to me. And at the chance of sounding dramatic, it literally was the hardest thing I ever did looking back. But think about, what does an addiction do, it takes away from doing other things you enjoy, relationships you have may suffer, and so you take consolation in your addiction (you play more video games to escape). A way I actually found that helped wind me down was to slowly regress, so switch to only one game, then switch to an older game, say Age of Empires or something, then switch to one of those lame free MMORPGs, text based or otherwise, then flash games, then it's easier to stop once you're on flash games.


----------



## undead (Nov 28, 2010)

I'm pretty much like this many times in my life. I think lots of people do. I could keep my mind preoccupied with work, philosophy, or any kind of reading. But it doesn't really help if you can't "prove" or "demonstrate anything that you have to anyone. Because it doesn't always something that's interesting for them.

The only way to fill that gap is by being around the right people/person who could fill that gap, which of course is hard to be found. If such person could not be found, then I should just stop thinking about it, and do what I have to do at this moment.


----------



## jbking (Jun 4, 2010)

*Well....*



JoetheBull said:


> Unfortunately I don't really have anyone to turn to in rl. My friends and family mean well but often tend to make things worse. It's doesn't help that I am the odd one out of all of them.


At the risk of sounding hollow, I'd suggest keep on trying to find other groups or programs, preferably non-computer based, that may help you either discover more about yourself, connect you to the world, or a bit of both. In Canada we tend to have "Employee Assistance Plans" that are a way to get help in some cases that I wonder if there is something similar where you are. While I'm few years older in that I'm turning 36 next May, I've been where you are a few times over and generally after some bouncing around I'm still finding some answers. Lastly, don't underestimate how good on-line relationships may help in some of this. I know some people on-line that I've never met face to face yet through all the different on-line conversations I've had with these people, I do feel like I've built some rather real relationships if I want to look at what is good in my life. Trying new things can also help sometimes to discover new passions that you didn't know you had though revisiting old passions can also be useful just try to keep it all in moderation.


----------



## Ikrash (Dec 19, 2010)

You know you have just given up hope thats all it can happen if you have a hard life ( me included ) but the thing is that only you can help yourself you can either choose to lose or try try and try until you succede


----------



## JoetheBull (Apr 29, 2010)

jbking said:


> Lastly, don't underestimate how good on-line relationships may help in some of this. I know some people on-line that I've never met face to face yet through all the different on-line conversations I've had with these people, I do feel like I've built some rather real relationships if I want to look at what is good in my life.


Actually writing the problem out here and the answers I got from you guys helped a lot even though I was very hesitant at first to even talk about it. I recognize various porblems now that I have over looked no matter how blatantly obvious they are. One of them do involve an addiction but not from video games. Never really gotten addicted to WoW. It's fun some times but gets boring after a while. Never done raids and normally play solo or craft. Never made it to max lvl either(didn't past lvl 60 till this year). I do normally play Starcraft 2 for competitiveness and exercising strategy and tactics. Not as hard core gamer as I used to be when I was younger(or probably never was compared to others). But Thrify Walrus is right that it can be a bit distracting and not really help with finding myself. The __________ (not sure if I should mention it here) addiction I have is causing more problems and is probably more fitting to the addiction definition then anything else. 

Also I say no to religion. Nothing against. It just doesn't do anything for me and often get the sense they don't like me. 

I still don't really know what I want or need relationship wise. From what little I know about relationships that requires actual experience I think. Or I could be wrong about that also:frustrating:.


----------



## Ikrash (Dec 19, 2010)

buddy let me tell you that addiction has nothing to do with how you handle people everyone is addicted to something so you dont need to change that just try and talk the rest will automatically happen.


----------



## JoetheBull (Apr 29, 2010)

Ikrash said:


> buddy let me tell you that addiction has nothing to do with how you handle people everyone is addicted to something so you dont need to change that just try and talk the rest will automatically happen.


of course it doesn't. It just sucks up time, cause unrealistic thinking patterns, and unrealistic expectations towards something that I really should even bother thinking about constantly. wait how did handling people come up in this conversation? At most I avoid handling people do to social anxiety and the fact most people seem to annoy me(especially at work).


----------



## darksoul (Jul 17, 2010)

JoetheBull said:


> This is a bit difficult to explain but I'll try to make some form of sense. I kind of hit a wall in life and I am very lost and not even sure where I am heading in life. I am not sure what I even want career wise, relationship wise, or even life style. I am not even sure if there is even a point in my life or _*I even have thoughts that I was meant to die in the army when I was younger*_. So many of the thoughts in my head of what I think I might want seem to be unrealistic or just delusions. Not sure if I just become numb/or zombie like over the past couple of years due to something I can't think of orI am just being avoidant towards life. I know if I don't do something to try to get my life somewhat on track soon I will end up dying a very regretful life. Has anyone encountered this problem with there life or know a means to find the solution to the problem? Thank you in advance for any advice and putting up with me and my inability to figure this out on my own:frustrating:


When I was 16, I was so certain I _would_ be dead by 21... for some reason. Finding a purpose in life became difficult after that because I didn't know what I wanted out of it. I'd spent so much time "avoiding" depression, it only occurred to me lately that I was merely wasting my life away.

I can't really advise you since I'm pretty much in the same situation. But I've been thinking of going back to school. Hopefully other changes would follow. *fingers crossed*


----------



## Ikrash (Dec 19, 2010)

@ darksoul i think its a positive thing you should do that.


----------



## NotSoRighteousRob (Jan 1, 2010)

nuff said


----------

