# Can you go back to being just friends with someone after having a relationship?



## The Great One (Apr 19, 2010)

Can you folks go back to being friends with someone after having a romantic relationship with them? Also, how easily can you go back to being just friends with someone after having sex with someone in general?


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## Spades (Aug 31, 2011)

My best friend and I went out for 5 years. Our friendship has only grown and strengthened since we "broke up". I also live with his current girlfriend, and even introduced them myself. His previous ex is dating my other roommate. Everyone is happy and life is awesome.

And yes, I've remained friends with the other people I have slept with.

*Edit*: I think the root cause of this issue is that some people fail to establish a close friendship with their partners to begin with. I personally value friendship and intellectual connection before sex and romantic connection.


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## The Great One (Apr 19, 2010)

Spades said:


> My best friend and I went out for 5 years. Our friendship has only grown and strengthened since we "broke up". I also live with his current girlfriend, and even introduced them myself. His previous ex is dating my other roommate. Everyone is happy and life is awesome.
> 
> And yes, I've remained friends with the other people I have slept with.


It's hot or cold for me. I'm not with that in-between shit.


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## La Li Lu Le Lo (Aug 15, 2011)

My grandpa and grandma were much better friends once they got a divorce. He'd always come over to visit. So yes.


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## sleepyhead (Nov 14, 2011)

I think yes, it is possible. It depends on a lot of factors though. I've only ever remained friends with one ex, and he was really my only other serious partner either than my current one. I ended the relationship and we stayed friends for about 3 years, but there was always a bit of tension and cracking and in the end we drifted apart awkwardly and stopped talking. I don't know if I could really maintain a healthy relationship with someone I've been really serious about.

But I do know many folks who have good relationships with ex's for a variety of reasons.


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## Ace Face (Nov 13, 2011)

I can't do it. I'm an all or nothing kind of gal.


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## Paradox1987 (Oct 9, 2010)

It really depends on so many things. I don't hold grudges against exes, and have learnt which exes are toxic. If they aren't toxic and won't cause awkwardness I don't see why they can't maintain at least acquaintance level familiarity. Sure my ex isn't lining up to be my best friend; but my platonic friends are irreplaceable anyway. 

As a caveat though, I do give it time. Immediately after a break up, I don't want to have familiarity. Reflection time is a must for me after a break up.


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## angularvelocity (Jun 15, 2009)

If things are completely over and both people have moved on, yes.

If one of the party still has an emotional attachment, no.

My 2 sense/cents/cense/sence/zents/zentz/cenz/senz - I don't know which one to pick, so pick the correct one


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## Persephone (Nov 14, 2009)

I think it's possible, but it partly depends on why we broke up. If it involved a betrayal (not necessarily cheating- I don't consider it important presently), then even after break up I wouldn't want to have a person like that around. But if it's something about a misunderstanding, or circumstances, then certainly.


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## Master Mind (Aug 15, 2011)

Depends on the nature of the breakup. If it's amicable, then yes. I just had lunch with an ex-girlfriend a couple of days ago. A relationship didn't work out between us, but we're still friends. We said at the beginning that whatever happened as far as the relationship, we would still be friends regardless. Some people you're better as friends than in a relationship. It happens. I'm a mature adult, she is also an adult, we explored being more than friends, it didn't work out, so now we're back to being friends and neither one of us has to ever wonder what could have happened between us.

However, if the breakup was due to cheating, which is an automatic dealbreaker, then no. I don't respect people who cheat, so if you've cheated on me instead of being honest and saying it wasn't working out for you, we can't be friends because you no longer have my respect, and I don't choose to associate with people who are dishonest with me. If you've proven yourself untrustworthy, then you're not someone I care to have in my life. So the circumstances behind why we're no longer in a relationship determines whether or not we can still be friends afterwords.

Of course, this is only from my side, as some women can't remain friends with exs. If a woman feels this way, then it is out of my hands if they do not wish to be friends after we are no longer in a relationship.


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## wiarumas (Aug 27, 2010)

I could, but even though I would be completely emotionally detached, there would always be a degree of sexual tension.


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## Alysaria (Jul 7, 2009)

Honestly, I think you need to give each other some space to heal (unless it's a mutually ambivalent breakup with no hurt feelings or lingering connections on either side). >.> The feel-good brain chemicals that bubble up when you see that "special someone" need a chance to detox so you don't have the weirdness of still being attracted and/or feeding off of the intimacy of a relationship without any of the work.


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## alexande (Jan 8, 2012)

I can remain friends with previous girlfriends but I still feel sexual tension like 75% of the time. As for friends I have sex with; I think its a beautiful thing when two friends that are attractive can have sex and remain just friends. I have an attractive friend that I have slept with for 7 years on and off. For me one of the best parts of our relationship is when we can both be lustful towards each other.


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## Sovereign (Aug 19, 2011)

It's definitely possible to have healthy relationships with former partners of virtually any degree of closeness. It simply depends on the people involved. Perhaps the majority of people would have problems with doing it, but that doesn't mean it's really that uncommon. I maintain regular contact with a serious ex. "Friends" is a very general box to pigeon-hole the interplay into, and I don't quite think it adequately describes us. We're distant but familiar allies. We meet up and do things together... let's say twice a year or so. 

We're both Te-doms, and we both see benefits to including each other in our networks. We're both quite successful at what we do and both have high aspirations. There is a mutual respect, and it's not easy to earn. We actually had a pretty explosive breakup, and we've both gotten over it. IMO, the reasons for our breakup are really irrelevant. Maybe this is my inferior Fi not talking, but there are more important things to consider than irrational grudges or labels. 

As for sexual tension, I can feel it occasionally. I recognize it, but I have a very capable poker face. For her it's a matter of pride, so she tries to ignore it and largely succeeds. I find it amusing.


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## xerxes75 (Oct 3, 2010)

I think it depends on the relationship and how it ended. For example I have 2 ex girlfriends so far, one we ended on shaky terms but that was because it was the end of my first relationship but now her and I are REALLY close and good friends. The other one thought it'd be fun to play spin the bottle a lot while I was home with severe depression so needless to say her and I don't talk.


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## Tulipgarden (Apr 5, 2012)

I think it depends on the person. I can be amicable with one of my ex's but I don't take it too far or he is going to want to take it too far. I keep a distance...if we didn't have kids together I probably would not have a relationship much. Plus Im remarried. That throws another dimension into it. But for my daughter's sake I keep it amicable. We include one another in big decisions. I keep him informed of what is going on

My first ex husband, we have two kids together. He didn't talk to me when he was married to me so I can't expect him to talk openly with me now. I am just fine with out talking to him but the times where I have had to talk to him it is difficult because he doesn't relate very well. It is mostly me agreeing with him to keep it simple. He isn't capable of seeing another point of view so I keep mine to myself and just listen. I don't inform him of anything. He wants to know he can ask me which means he never asks.

Edit: and my current husband doesn't talk to his ex wife because she isn't logical. He has to implement the "very little contact rule" because she goes way over board and doesn't understand boundaries, she manipulates and creates drama. She blows his work phone up and a billion texts and emails, etc. I feel bad for him because he can't have a normal conversation regarding his children without her being illogical. For instance if he doesn't do something she wants it turns into "you are a horrible father, and I should have got them a new father a long time ago" or "you are an ___hole" or "i hate you" or "I know you hate me and always did". It just gets too emotional and illogical. Then the next day she might bake him cookies. Who knows with her. She called me tonight and asked me to bring her some sweet tea? I would never call any of my husband's current wives and ask them to bring me something. She makes no sense. I knew I shouldn't have answered the phone.


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## Cover3 (Feb 2, 2011)

Can't do it


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## Mendi the ISFJ (Jul 28, 2011)

The Great One said:


> Can you folks go back to being friends with someone after having a romantic relationship with them? Also, how easily can you go back to being just friends with someone after having sex with someone in general?


i can, im not so sure about him though.


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## Erbse (Oct 15, 2010)

Done it.

Works just fine for me. Although usually a time period of distance must be established prior to re-connecting.


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## silverlark (Dec 1, 2011)

I fervently wish this can be so but I am afraid...


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## The Great One (Apr 19, 2010)

Ace Face said:


> You made me feel awkward xD


So in other words, I give you goosebumps? Interesting. That's usually a sign of attraction.

@Swordsman of Mana

Ah yes, another ENFP that I've had frequent phone convos with. Yes, I can see that: I am more lighthearted and funny and not that intense and aggressive.


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## Ace Face (Nov 13, 2011)

Swordsman of Mana said:


> you're not intense enough to be Sx first. Sx dom 6s are fiery, instinctual and passionate. you're more lighthearted and funny


You and I are going to butt heads with this  He's not always light-hearted and funny...


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## Ace Face (Nov 13, 2011)

The Great One said:


> So in other words, I give you goosebumps? Interesting. That's usually a sign of attraction.
> 
> @Swordsman of Mana
> 
> Ah yes, another ENFP that I've had frequent phone convos with. Yes, I can see that: I am more lighthearted and funny and not that intense and aggressive.


No, you creeped me out, lol. And don't back down to him. You're farrrr more intense than you let off on here...


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## The Great One (Apr 19, 2010)

Ace Face said:


> No, you creeped me out, lol. And don't back down to him. You're farrrr more intense than you let off on here...


No I've chatted with this guy for probably 20+ hours OTP, and you I only chatted with for like two hours. After chatting with someone that long, it's hard to hide your true self. He knows me better than you


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## Swordsman of Mana (Jan 7, 2011)

Ace Face said:


> You and I are going to butt heads with this  He's not always light-hearted and funny...


he has been 100% of the time during our phone conversations


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## Ace Face (Nov 13, 2011)

The Great One said:


> No I've chatted with this guy for probably 20+ hours OTP, and you I only chatted with for like two hours. After chatting with someone that long, it's hard to hide your true self. He knows me better than you


I'm not saying he doesn't, but I remember our conversation very well. That's what I picked up on. So shoot me for calling you out on backing down like usual, lol.


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## The Great One (Apr 19, 2010)

Swordsman of Mana said:


> he has been 100% of the time during our phone conversations


Yeah, pretty much. Like I said, her and I should have a conversation do-over.


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## Ace Face (Nov 13, 2011)

Swordsman of Mana said:


> he has been 100% of the time during our phone conversations


Yeah, you're also a guy with a dick. I'm telling you, he was different when we talked. Maybe he was putting on... who knows.


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## The Great One (Apr 19, 2010)

Ace Face said:


> I'm not saying he doesn't, but I remember our conversation very well. That's what I picked up on. So shoot me for calling you out on backing down like usual, lol.


That was backing down. That was seeing the logical truths.


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## Ace Face (Nov 13, 2011)

The Great One said:


> That was backing down. That was seeing the logical truths.


Oh, so you don't usually back down? Right... right...


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## The Great One (Apr 19, 2010)

Ace Face said:


> Yeah, you're also a guy with a dick. I'm telling you, he was different when we talked. Maybe he was putting on... who knows.


lol, I don't want his cock if that's what you mean.


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## The Great One (Apr 19, 2010)

Ace Face said:


> Oh, so you don't usually back down? Right... right...


Only when I know other people are right.


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## Ace Face (Nov 13, 2011)

The Great One said:


> lol, I don't want his cock if that's what you mean.


^^That was kind of the point I was making.


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## The Great One (Apr 19, 2010)

Ace Face said:


> ^^That was kind of the point I was making.


Yeah, I crave snatch not cock. I'm much more likely to back down to you so that I can get in your pants.


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## Ace Face (Nov 13, 2011)

The Great One said:


> Yeah, I crave snatch not cock. I'm much more likely to back down to you so that I can get in your pants.


You may have intuitively/subconsciously played to my level of variant because I have a snatch. At this point, that's my guess because I do trust Swordsman's opinion, but I'm also very confident in my own.


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## The Great One (Apr 19, 2010)

Ace Face said:


> You may have intuitively/subconsciously played to my level of variant because I have a snatch. At this point, that's my guess because I do trust Swordsman's opinion, but I'm also very confident in my own.


So what's your final verdict. Also, maybe you, @Swordsman of Mana, and I should do a 3 way convo one day. That would be fun.


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## Ace Face (Nov 13, 2011)

The Great One said:


> So what's your final verdict. Also, maybe you, @Swordsman of Mana, and I should do a 3 way convo one day. That would be fun.


I only go off of what I know. What I know of you outside the forum indicated a sx variant, but like I said before, I do not know you that well, and I'm not going to pretend like I do.


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## Swordsman of Mana (Jan 7, 2011)

The Great One said:


> So what's your final verdict. Also, maybe you, @Swordsman of Mana, and I should do a 3 way convo one day. That would be fun.


ENTP 6w7>2w3>9w8 So/Sx


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## The Great One (Apr 19, 2010)

Swordsman of Mana said:


> ENTP 6w7>2w3>9w8 So/Sx


Now that I disagree with. I think my image fix is 3 w 2.


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## Swordsman of Mana (Jan 7, 2011)

The Great One said:


> Now that I disagree with. I think my image fix is 3 w 2.


you care more about acceptance and relationships than you do about achieving goals and accomplishing your agenda.


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## onebelo (Apr 10, 2012)

yeah why not


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## Jenni Snider (Apr 15, 2012)

Here's my situation

I was in a long-term relationship for 8 years. After we broke up I had several guys ask me out, all of whom I turned down. Then a friend (male) from work suggested we hang out together. So we went to the movies, and out for drinks, and had a great time. Then we went out to dinner a couple of nights later, and we ended up going to bed together. The next couple of months we saw each other quite a bit, but then he met somebody and he started dating her, and I started dating somebody else. Well then we both ended those relationships, and we started hanging out together again, and sleeping together. Unfortunately, I moved 3000 miles away this past January, but we still talk all the time on the phone, either texting or actual phone conversations, and our conversations are almost always the same-we both miss each other, we both really like talking to each other, we're both attracted to each other, and we wish we could be together. So it's strange, because he's the only guy I've had sex with who I still talk to.


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## Toru Okada (May 10, 2011)

I guess I'm about to find out. I recently broke up with my girlfriend who I've known for 4 years and was in a relationship with for over a year. She's the only person I've ever been serious with and I've formed a deep connection to her on several levels. We both love each other a lot and the break up wasn't over anything unforgivable/bad, and I really don't want to throw her away like I did before we got together because that was hell not speaking to her. There's a mutual understanding that we aren't just friends but a different, platonic thing. I don't think it will be easy but I feel she is worth it and I'd be happier if she remained in my life.


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## snail (Oct 13, 2008)

It is possible, but of my romantic relationships that ended and became friendships, none were sexual relationships.

My relationships:


non-sexual. still friends.
sexual. lost contact.
sexual. lost contact.
sexual. enemies. lost contact.
non-sexual. still friends.
non-sexual. still friends.

Somewhere between boyfriends number 3 and 4 were two one-time sexual encounters with friends.

FWB1. lost contact.
FWB2. lost contact.

So, if there is any pattern to be seen that isn't merely coincidental, I might conclude that having sex reduces or even nullifies my chances of maintaining friendships after breaking up, even though I would have hypothesized the exact opposite because of hormones released during sex that are designed to promote bonding, which seem to do so effectively while I am still in the relationships.


Since correlation does not imply causation, I am more likely to think that the kinds of partners who are less focused on rushing into sex are the types of people who are more patient in general, might have more compatible values, and are easier for me to respect, meaning that the absence of sex comes from the same root cause as my finding people worthy of long-term friendships rather than that sex necessarily dooms my chances of remaining friends.


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