# I don't feel special, since my girlfriend has gone this far with other guys.



## Andrewoo (Nov 15, 2009)

My girlfriend and I have just gotten to the point where we like touching each other, all over. And along time ago she metioned that she had already gotten to this point with some other guys and that they were to passionate. Now that I'm at this stage with her I feel like I'm just another guy to her. I feel like I'm just another guy in the line up trying to please her just like all the others. My individuality feels dwarfed by just thinking of other guys doing what I'm doing. Not only is it hard that I feel strongly towards her and that she has felt this way with other guys, I haven't ever gotten this far with a girl, but I know this relationship is going to end eventually. Shes not the type I see myself spending my lifetime with, heck maybe not even more than four months. But that just makes me feel bad, like why should I care? Shes not that special to me, why should I be to her? That makes me feel bad, but also better- but then I realize I don't feel as strongly as if I actually cared .I'm not sure if this has to do with my obsession for being myself, my own individual, or insecurity. I'm sure other people have felt this way. Any advice?:mellow:


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## kyebosh (Mar 18, 2010)

> I know this relationship is going to end eventually. Shes not the type I see myself spending my lifetime with, heck maybe not even more than four months.


 Unless she knows this & is strangely (IMHO) ok with it, end it now before you hurt her.



> I feel like ... I feel like ... My individuality feels ... makes me feel ... why should I care ... not that special to me ... makes me feel ... I don't feel ...


 Not having a go at you mate, good on you for seeking advice, but I'd encourage you to attend to her feelings at least as much as your own  I think these are bigger issues to be raised than her past. Just my $0.20

Hope something works out for you


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## Solace (Jan 12, 2010)

It sounds like you have a variety of things to think about:

- how strongly you feel towards her
- where you want the relationship to go
- why being at X stage in the relationship [and not further along] bothers you

In response to the question you posed, however, about not feeling unique in your situation with your girlfriend, I would remind you that it's not what you do to her, but rather how you make her feel, that is most important.

From the way you posed the question and the fact that you even mentioned "insecurity" it does sound a bit like the kind of self-doubt one goes through when in a relationship that they know might not have a serious result, which causes one to doubt their reasons for being in it and perhaps become passingly jealous about other people's endeavors in past relationships.

I very much doubt that what you are feeling is in any way bad. Essentially it seems like you know what it is that's going on, you just need to confirm with yourself whether or not you want the outcome you seem to be headed towards. That you have been able to reflect to this level and express it is definitely a step in the right direction in determining what you want out of your current relationship.


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## Merov (Mar 8, 2009)

Andrewoo said:


> My girlfriend and I have just gotten to the point where we like touching each other, all over. And along time ago she metioned that she had already gotten to this point with some other guys and that they were to passionate. Now that I'm at this stage with her I feel like I'm just another guy to her. I feel like I'm just another guy in the line up trying to please her just like all the others. My individuality feels dwarfed by just thinking of other guys doing what I'm doing. Not only is it hard that I feel strongly towards her and that she has felt this way with other guys, I haven't ever gotten this far with a girl, but I know this relationship is going to end eventually. Shes not the type I see myself spending my lifetime with, heck maybe not even more than four months. But that just makes me feel bad, like why should I care? Shes not that special to me, why should I be to her? That makes me feel bad, but also better- but then I realize I don't feel as strongly as if I actually cared .I'm not sure if this has to do with my obsession for being myself, my own individual, or insecurity. I'm sure other people have felt this way. Any advice?:mellow:


Mate, I know EXACTLY what you're going through.

I also struggle to really see past her past. I mean, in my mind, I'm just another crossed out line in a long line of crossed out lines.

As you say, it's not special, because what if she suddenly said someday that you don't touch her like her previous guys. She probably won't ever say that, but I mean, guys like us always tend to linger on thoughts like that.

I try to phase it out by thinking of it this way.
In the past, I didn't know her, and I didn't date her.
What she did in her past, belongs to her past, and I've struggled, but have learned to live with it.

Try not to find out too much about her past. You'll only end up regretting it.

I also kinda feel that she's not the one for me, but we've been together for 4 years, not just 4 months.

Somewhere along the line, it becomes sort of an entrapment, where you can't break it off anymore because you've spent so much time together. Things are alot more hairy now, and it's not as easy to break it off, without one party leaning towards suicide, or prositution.

:mellow:

Love, or the belief in love can be a weapon of immense psycholigical yield.
Be careful how you proceed foward.
I would say don't make the mistake I did, but in my opinion, I think it's up to you to decide.

Good luck to you.
Your thoughts are with us.

:mellow:


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## Wheelie (Apr 2, 2010)

Andrewoo, if you want a relationship with her and you love her. Then don't look at her past, don't look at who she's been with.

Right now it looks you're trying to meet the need of feeling significant, which is fine, but you can't demand it from her. Who is she to be one that has to give you what you need. Appreciate her for her, if you can't then its time for you to move on I reckon because you're not really in love.

But perhaps I'm tossing the word love around to recklessly, there's a saying that goes something like 'men want to be women's first love, but women want to be mens last' or something... So its natural to feel those emotions you are experiencing now, because possessiveness is actually a natural male characteristic. 

MINE MINE MINE MINE *Beats chest to scare off other males*


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## NotSoRighteousRob (Jan 1, 2010)

you are just another guy though.. When it comes down to it we all are. Might as well get used to that.


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## Hikmat (May 12, 2010)

You both deserve to be with someone who loves you for you. For how you see the world. For how you think. For how you feel. 

I've said this once already today: sex I've had's been blase when I knew I didn't adore the person I was doing it with. It's passionate and exciting and out of this world when there's love.

I've struggled on both sides of the PAST history issue. 

Frankly, sex is just touching, psychological reaction to that touching, and social interaction. 
Sometimes people wouldn't make the same choices they did. I certainly wouldn't have. 

I think if you're in a relationship with someone who really adores you, their past is just that to you--a past. 

The present is a real gift. man, I'm clever. 

Personally, my advice would be to break up and find someone you can see yourself with long-term. Why do we settle and stay in unfulfilling relationships when we know there are better fits for us?!?!

Also, take some time to think about the moral components of what you've shared. Do you want the best for both of you and is your current situation set-up for that? 

I'm in a rush and can't think of a gentle way to ask that. My apologies


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## thisisme (Apr 11, 2010)

retroactive jealousy...google it and see if that sounds similar to how you feel.

i learned what it was when an ex had issues with me having previous relationships. it's a really hard thing to deal with and it seems nothing you can say can take away the actual real hurt one feels about it.

i don't know what the answer is but ((((hugs))))) for ya for dealin with it.


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## Monte (Feb 17, 2010)

Save her the trouble, break up with her, and learn how to get over things that have nothing to do with you.


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## WickedQueen (Jun 1, 2009)

Andrewoo said:


> My girlfriend and I have just gotten to the point where we like touching each other, all over. And along time ago she metioned that she had already gotten to this point with some other guys and that they were to passionate. Now that I'm at this stage with her I feel like I'm just another guy to her. I feel like I'm just another guy in the line up trying to please her just like all the others. My individuality feels dwarfed by just thinking of other guys doing what I'm doing. Not only is it hard that I feel strongly towards her and that she has felt this way with other guys, I haven't ever gotten this far with a girl, but I know this relationship is going to end eventually. Shes not the type I see myself spending my lifetime with, heck maybe not even more than four months. But that just makes me feel bad, like why should I care? Shes not that special to me, why should I be to her? That makes me feel bad, but also better- but then I realize I don't feel as strongly as if I actually cared .I'm not sure if this has to do with my obsession for being myself, my own individual, or insecurity. I'm sure other people have felt this way. Any advice?:mellow:


*shakeshead*
I don't even know to begin, honestly.

Why the heck you dating her if you know that she's not that special for you and you're about to dumped her in few months? If you do that, than you're just the same like every other guy she had date with in her past.

And why the heck she mentioned about this other guy in her past? What did she expected from you when she told you that? Perhaps she's craving for deeper relationship with you, but in the same time she feel insecure because somehow she knows that you're going to dumped her anyway and she'll be just like another girl for you?


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## lizziebaby420 (Apr 15, 2010)

i've gone far with guys.
but i guess i could make guys feel like that now.
you should ask her how mutch you mean to her,
and i doubt your just another guy thats trying to please her. I would
hate for a guy to feel that way about me if i was passionate for them and they didnt
tell me how they felt.


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## amanda32 (Jul 23, 2009)

Get over yourself!


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## lizziebaby420 (Apr 15, 2010)

and i think if you don't really feel that passionate about her why are you with her?


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## amanda32 (Jul 23, 2009)

This just re-inforces the saying, "a man wants a virgin because he can't stand criticism."

Seriously, do you think that she won't care about you because she's fooled around with other guys??? OMG.


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## Ungweliante (Feb 26, 2009)

Andrewoo said:


> My girlfriend and I have just gotten to the point where we like touching each other, all over. And along time ago she metioned that she had already gotten to this point with some other guys and that they were to passionate. Now that I'm at this stage with her I feel like I'm just another guy to her. I feel like I'm just another guy in the line up trying to please her just like all the others. My individuality feels dwarfed by just thinking of other guys doing what I'm doing. Not only is it hard that I feel strongly towards her and that she has felt this way with other guys, I haven't ever gotten this far with a girl,


First of all, my sympathies for feeling bad. I can understand how you feel that your value is diminished in comparison to the other people. However, the fact is that all people are unique. Thus also every relationship is unique. She is dating you, which means that taking everything into account, you're in the present moment the best choice for her. 



Andrewoo said:


> but I know this relationship is going to end eventually.


I don't mean this as an insult, but no - you don't. Nobody knows the future. We can only guess and make uncertain predictions.



Andrewoo said:


> Shes not the type I see myself spending my lifetime with, heck maybe not even more than four months. But that just makes me feel bad, like why should I care? Shes not that special to me, why should I be to her?


You should behave in a good manner towards her, because that defines you as a person. If you act like an honest gentleman, you are in that context an honest gentleman. If you act like an uncaring bastard, you are at that context an uncaring bastard. You carry your past actions with you your entire life, so it is best to act in a manner which will give you no regrets. This means staying true to yourself, as well as being compassionate towards everyone - especially the people whom you care about.

Everyone has a past, and the fact that your girlfriend has one as well doesn't make her worse than any other person in the world, in any manner. The only thing you, your girlfriend or anyone can affect is the present moment.



Andrewoo said:


> That makes me feel bad, but also better- but then I realize I don't feel as strongly as if I actually cared. I'm not sure if this has to do with my obsession for being myself, my own individual, or insecurity. I'm sure other people have felt this way. Any advice?:mellow:


The fact that you made a post about this shows that you care, at least to some extent. It seems that you're trying to seek validification for feeling bad. You're insecure, which is completely ok. We all are at times - being insecure is part of being human. It also seems like you're trying to solve your insecurity by taking revenge on your girlfriend for her past. This is of course a possible way of handling the situation, but I don't think it is by far the best one.

What you should do is to be honest to both your girlfriend as well as yourself. Talk to her. Honestly showing and expressing your vulnerabilities is difficult but necessary. Thus doing so is a show of strength, not weakness. You're an INFP, so I'm sure your various attributes as one is part of why she likes you. However, be prepared for the situation that she won't understand everything at once. Nobody is an empath, nobody is a telepath. Even from the most skilled people, expressing complex emotional subjects takes time and patience. Also, it is vital that you listen and try to understand anything your girlfriend might have to say. If you start to feel angry or offended, because of what she says or otherwise, explain to her what is causing this. Do not react, but instead take command of your behaviour. Honest, responsible and caring behaviour will lead to an increased sense of personal worth. Via this, your insecurity will diminish and possibly even disappear completely.

If despite your truly best efforts you feel that things won't work out, you can separate without regrets - as a gentleman.


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## thisisme (Apr 11, 2010)

Ungweliante said:


> First of all, my sympathies for feeling bad. I can understand how you feel that your value is diminished in comparison to the other people. However, the fact is that all people are unique. Thus also every relationship is unique. She is dating you, which means that taking everything into account, you're in the present moment the best choice for her.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


really good advice. :happy:


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