# Do you get on with ESFJs?



## stevie_marathon (Nov 28, 2010)

As much as I admire ESFJ's big hearts and good nature, I often find it annoying how many questions they ask in a conversation. And I mean questions in which they will suck every last detail out of you. And they seem to be quite bossy as well when you're in their homes. Do you guys agree or disagree?


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## Mr.Xl Vii (Jan 19, 2011)

I'm not going to lie as a broad generalization I don't really get along with SJs. My stepfather is an ESTJ and I hate him with a seething passion. If it's an ESFJ female I probably have no problem with them, I find most girls to be pretty awesome regardless of type, but that's just straight male talking. However, ESFJ males get on my nerves. I had a 7th grade English teacher that I'm pretty positive is an ESFJ, I hated him. Plain and simple.


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## Trainwreck (Sep 14, 2010)

Seeing as SFJs use the same cognitive functions as myself I tend to get along with them, surprisingly, considering how foolhardy and tactless I can be at times. For some reason they always seem to delve in and get me to spit out why I like being so boisterous and offhand with people. And the reason I am that way is that it's pretty much a test. I like to test people. I respect people who engage me, even if the engagement is negative. More oft than not the people whom I've quarreled with wind up becoming my closest friends.

Plus the only ones I've met have been women, so I tend to give them more time of day and play the whole, "I'm troubled and misunderstood" card. I have no idea how my interactions with a male SFJ would go down. If he just passively agrees with me all the time I won't have much respect for him.


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## Mr.Xl Vii (Jan 19, 2011)

Trainwreck said:


> Plus the only ones I've met have been women,* so I tend to give them more time of day and play the whole, "I'm troubled and misunderstood" card*. I have no idea how my interactions with a male SFJ would go down. If he just passively agrees with me all the time I won't have much respect for him.


That's my favorite card to play! It works every fucking time.


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## Zdorobot (Dec 19, 2010)

My best friend is an ESFJ, I'm pretty sure. Either that or ENFJ. But either way, he's pretty awesome and probably the most supportive and non-judgmental person I know. Yay.


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## Bunker Man (Jan 4, 2011)

Against my will, yes.


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## Kr3m1in (Jan 16, 2011)

Get along perfect. They are mad fun to be around, and extremely tolerant and open-minded.

I like that.


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## Tad Cooper (Apr 10, 2010)

It depends on their maturity I think. Some are fine and others drive me crazy! I hate the way they think about what everyone else wants and not themselves, but also find it's very nice and generous =_=


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## lirulin (Apr 16, 2010)

So far they just tend to drive me up the frigging wall and then get offended that I am not happy. I hope there are exceptions.


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## skycloud86 (Jul 15, 2009)

I only know one confirmed ESFJ, my sister, who I get on with very well.


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## TheLightningKid (Oct 14, 2010)

I can get along with ESFJ's. My Mother is an ESFJ and we have a generally good relationship. The problem is that we view the world _so_ differently. We often have arguments and communication problems.

She's a great parent, though.


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## Sellihca (May 15, 2010)

Yeah, it's fucking hard. If they're not really mature, we're at each other's throats in like 3 seconds.


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## noz (Dec 7, 2009)

I kind of agree with the "Variable maturity" crowd affecting my answer to this question, however i would contend that it's more about education level with ESFJ, not "maturity" per se. I think the ESFJ is one of the types that is particularly gruesome (on the inside) without a nice dose of "liberalizing" that tends to come with higher education.

I guess ESFJ is one type I think of when I ponder the words of Richard Rorty, here:

"The fundamentalist parents of our fundamentalist students think that the entire ‘American liberal establishment’ is engaged in a conspiracy. The parents have a point. Their point is that we liberal teachers no more feel in a symmetrical communication situation when we talk with bigots than do kindergarten teachers talking with their students ... When we American college teachers encounter religious fundamentalists, we do not consider the possibility of reformulating our own practices of justification so as to give more weight to the authority of the Christian scriptures. Instead, we do our best to convince these students of the benefits of secularization. We assign first-person accounts of growing up homosexual to our homophobic students for the same reasons that German schoolteachers in the postwar period assigned The Diary of Anne Frank."


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## Sweetish (Dec 17, 2009)

I have an ESFJ aunt and also older brother. They both have the capacity to annoy me when they want to ask me anything and everything about my life and if not satisfied with my response or lack of response will get themselves riled up as if without their intervention I'm some lost cause that they are going to save, from myself, or whatever. Their inability to elicit excitement from me on the topics they care about seems to frustrate them, so I try to seem excited about something I actually care about until they calm the f*ck down and decide to laugh and/or reminisce instead of scrutinize.

So long as they don't presume to tell me what to do in my own home, their perfect role model projections are tolerable, but this is only because they are very old, matured individuals, now, with more important things to talk about with other people than with me- thank goodness for that. Unfortunately, my aunt still causes drama when she gets together with the rest of my aunts and my mother -the eldest sister- and the ESFJ aunt wants to power struggle with my ESFP mom over absolutely nothing because then the other sisters have to take sides... It's ridiculous. Then she tries to laugh it off. My brother is much better at not inciting rebellion and his sense of humor isn't a band-aid over his character flaws like my aunt's sense of humor is- meaning that hers is awkward, compensatory, and in contrast his is relaxed, unobtrusive and used in the appropriate atmosphere.


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## topgun31 (Nov 23, 2010)

Depends on the ESFJ's:
a) maturity
b) open-mindedness (vs having set view-points or being traditional for the sake of being traditional)
c) emotional stability

The personality type that drives me crazy the most are emotionally unstable, drama-causing, close minded ESFJs. And I've met some who are like this even though they're past mid-age. And the one I know is educated. And they can't handle stress well AT ALL.

But mature, open-minded, and emotionally stable ESFJs are alright in my book. I've found them to be kind people concerned about the well-being of others.


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## Monkey King (Nov 16, 2010)

I went out with an ESFJ for 7 years (started in highschool). Like I said in other threads---- He knew how to make me just sock him hard. The only reason it lasted so long is because I held onto some romantic ideology of love. In love with love <---- NEVER again. 

The good I saw in the ESFJ is thier undying nature to want to help everyone. Ultimately, this same help that they freely give to people is lacking when it comes to helping themselves. Any criticism from me was usually looked upon as me attacking him. His feeling "victimized" usually prompts him to say things like: "STFU you don't know what you're talking about, it's because you grew up with money. You don't know how it is." 

Which you could imagine would send me off the wall. Yeh, NEVER again.


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## B-Con (Dec 24, 2010)

It's probably the dominant Fe that you dislike. They can indeed be overly obsessed with the feelings and thoughts of other people. They also feel that harmony is one of the (if not the) most important thing around them, and when they're bossy it's usually to ensure that everyone is doing "their part" in making the environment pleasant and happy.

I'm married to an ESFJ. She's become fairly balanced, and some of that included dialing back on those types of obsessions. Like any type, an ESFJ can go overboard on their natural preferences, and I think those natural preferences tend to grate against the NTs, particularly the INTJ and INTP. 

I don't yet have any close relationships with any other confirmed ESFJs, though, so I'm not sure how well I'd do with the average one.


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## DarkSideOfLight (Feb 15, 2011)

I have an ESFJ friend. I would say I get along just fine. Love the positive energy and just ignore the god damned "watch this or that", "be careful" kind of bullshit, with which she is as direct and straightforward as I'm with my logic. I have to say she is sometimes talking even more then me. Kind of competition going on in terms of who is about to speak. Plus this is a perfect, how to say that platonic friendship as no woman talking that much could ever fuck me. It just turns me off so much in this departament. Haha to bad for her as trying to get me drunk (succeed) and then talking way to fucking much ain't the way to go no matter what.

I have to say she is pretty balanced though and have brilliant ability to adapt to your pattern of talking. Even if she has no idea what she is talking about ;] I was rolling on the floor while listening to some future oriented or man have to try everything talks. Fucking hilarious. For this moments I have trained myself to keep my mouth shut even in a pub under influence  No sorry laughing most of the time.

At first it was hard, but then pure fun and roughly ever I come across this kind of enthusiasm. I think I told myself to give it a shot as a challange at first. In terms of work that would be an instant dismiss/ignore  I've even told her that I would never ever employ someone like her and she is cool with that.

Recommended for ppl who love to push comfort zone "a bit".


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## March Cat (Jan 27, 2011)

I have a very close ESFJ friend that I get along with well. I think this has more to do with the fact that she's much more mature than other ESFJs I have met and more open-minded though. The only downside is when she goes on one of her emotional rollercoasters, but that doesn't happen as frequently as one might think for an ESFJ.


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## incision (May 23, 2010)

There are only two typed (as opposed to me guessing at their type) ESFJs I know in real life. I'd rather slit my wrists than have to interact with them daily. Whether it's their type or a coincidence of type, I'm not certain.

Both are controlling, manipulative, picky, petty and highly insecure.


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## DarkSideOfLight (Feb 15, 2011)

Duo said:


> Both are controlling, manipulative, picky, petty and highly insecure.


That is what I call challenge  They tend to come up with this kind of shit randomly even if been called at this many times from very beginning. Nothing, nothing then can you do this or that fallowed by demand of doing other stuff. So true.


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## syzygy_ (Jan 31, 2011)

Maybe I've just been around the wrong ESFJs, but from what I've experienced, they tend to grate on my nerves, fast. They're OK on a superficial level, but I generally don't like them much otherwise.


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## spoonforkknife (Sep 15, 2010)

No. Good intentions, horrible execution.


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## clawsthatcatch (Feb 1, 2011)

Sellihca said:


> Yeah, it's fucking hard. If they're not really mature, we're at each other's throats in like 3 seconds.


I completely agree.


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## PeevesOfCourse (Apr 15, 2010)

stevie_marathon said:


> As much as I admire ESFJ's big hearts and good nature, I often find it annoying how many questions they ask in a conversation. And I mean questions in which they will suck every last detail out of you. And they seem to be quite bossy as well when you're in their homes. Do you guys agree or disagree?


Can't say I have ever met one, I mean a definitive one, that had the ESFJ tag right on their chest... *scratches head*


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## MelodyGirl (Dec 18, 2010)

B-Con said:


> I'm married to an ESFJ. She's become fairly balanced, and some of that included dialing back on those types of obsessions.


Glad you think so, dear.


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## The Proof (Aug 5, 2009)

tell me about it, my mother's ESFJ, she always talks about boring pseudoscientific things whenever she's not going on about the weather

yes I can see it's sunny, thank god, ugh


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## VisceraEyes (Oct 29, 2010)

I think ESFJs like me for some reason because they find my weirdness endearing.

It really depends whether or not I like ESFJs on the particular ESFJ I suppose. My mom's an ESFJ and though I think it's safe to say that we don't understand each other at ALL, we still get along really well. I know that she genuinely loves me and cares about me, and she's always been supportive of me and has never really tried to control me or anything.

I guess they're just people that I can like and get along with (or just totally dislike, if they're the super judgmental, prissy, controlling type), but can't expect to have a legitimate friendship or relationship with one because they just totally perplex me


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## WildWinds (Mar 9, 2010)

Not sure I've ever met one....But I get annoyed quickly by ESTJ's, and annoyed quickly by many F types, so I can only imagine.


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## Sanskrit (Feb 6, 2011)

-
As well as with any type: Hardly at all. They may like me but I am mostly drained by the experience.
There used to be this one exception. But I don't go into that any further than to state there was an exception in this very specific sort.


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## Colombina (Aug 3, 2010)

My roommate was an immature XSFJ. In conversation, smooth sailing, pleasant company even, as long as we didn't, you know, talk about anything. It ended disastrously; she was insecure, spiteful. I definitely accept some of the blame for our relationship falling apart. I think our sheer incompatibility led us to neglect each other's needs, and by the time I realized what I'd been doing wrong we were pretty far gone.

Nowadays we see each other frequently in classes and around the dorm. In public she treats me like her best friend, but alone she's aloof to the point of rudeness. I don't get her, man.


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## MartyMcFly1 (Nov 14, 2010)

I honestly can't believe that there are people here who have never met an ESFJ. Before I even knew what Myers Briggs was, I was very aware that there was a certain "type" of person who was extremely common. Once I read about the SJ temperament it made complete sense to me. Now, whenever I meet a girl I automatically assume they are an ESF* and behave in a way that only they could like until they show me otherwise(which usually never happens). Following the nonsensical social norms that they believe are so important and strictly adhere to, and talking about the weather like it's so interesting. They are extremely fun on a superficial level, and easy to manipulate, but I could never see myself with one for any extended period of time.


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## TiNeSi (Jan 10, 2011)

MartyMcFly1 said:


> I honestly can't believe that there are people here who have never met an ESFJ. Before I even knew what Myers Briggs was, I was very aware that there was a certain "type" of person who was extremely common. Once I read about the SJ temperament it made complete sense to me. Now, whenever I meet a girl I automatically assume they are an ESF* and behave in a way that only they could like until they show me otherwise(which usually never happens).


Really? Do you purposefully approach extroverted girls only (since they are more approachable)? I could get assuming that girls are Feelers and this ending up being true most of the time, but as common as ESFx are (and ESFJ are very different form ESFP in my experience) they hardly make up 50%+ of the female population. I know that extroverts are more common than introverts and sensors than intuitive, but I still come across quite a few introverts.


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## MartyMcFly1 (Nov 14, 2010)

I'm not sure, though I have found that it is much easier to maintain a conversation upon first meeting extroverted people and make fast 'friends'. And while it is true that ESF* girls don't make up 50% of the population, they still make up a rather large chunk. I saw on one site that 17% of Females are ESFJ, and 14% are ESFP. Thats over 30% and it's only two types, which, based on personal experience, doesn't surprise me in the least bit. And I also suspect that a lot of women are putting up an ESF* front, that I know how to respond to, but ends up being so off-putting to me that I rarely stick around long enough to see if there is anything deeper. I also come across a lot of ISFJ females.


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## WildWinds (Mar 9, 2010)

MartyMcFly1 said:


> I honestly can't believe that there are people here who have never met an ESFJ. Before I even knew what Myers Briggs was, I was very aware that there was a certain "type" of person who was extremely common. Once I read about the SJ temperament it made complete sense to me. Now, whenever I meet a girl I automatically assume they are an ESF* and behave in a way that only they could like until they show me otherwise(which usually never happens). Following the nonsensical social norms that they believe are so important and strictly adhere to, and talking about the weather like it's so interesting. They are extremely fun on a superficial level, and easy to manipulate, but I could never see myself with one for any extended period of time.


Oh I'm sure I've ran into more than one xSFJ, I know one of my friends is ISFJ. But I've never stuck around long enough or bothered to really figure out their type for sure. We just rarely have anything in common. The same is the case with my ISFJ friend. We hang out and do stuff, but its a pretty superficial relationship. 

But one of my closer friends is ESFP.


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## dagnytaggart (Jun 6, 2010)

Does anyone else notice how some ESFJs will walk around constantly telling everyone about all of their personal problems? Whether or not the other person even asked. In a detailed, self-pitying way at that - they clearly want pure sympathy. But if you offer them any constructive advice, they either get defensive or they just tune it out.

I've seen various ESFJs in the office *interrupting others' work* to go on a "poor me" rampage.

And then I've seen an ESFJ cry, throw a stapler in the office and threaten to quit. What was the travesty? Her co-worker didn't say "Hi ESFJ, good morning" that morning.


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## topgun31 (Nov 23, 2010)

God said:


> Does anyone else notice how some ESFJs will walk around constantly telling everyone about all of their personal problems? Whether or not the other person even asked. In a detailed, self-pitying way at that - they clearly want pure sympathy. But if you offer them any constructive advice, they either get defensive or they just tune it out.
> 
> I've seen various ESFJs in the office *interrupting others' work* to go on a "poor me" rampage.
> 
> And then I've seen an ESFJ cry, throw a stapler in the office and threaten to quit. What was the travesty? Her co-worker didn't say "Hi ESFJ, good morning" that morning.


YES. At work, this is perhaps one of the most frustrating and annoying things about ESFJs, and why I can only stand them for so long at work. That and the fact that they exaggerate already stressful situations (it definitely does more harm than good). Imagine that in a hospital setting. holy crap. 

As friends and in casual situations, they're alright in my boat. But at work, it's a whole other story.


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## Ventricity (Mar 30, 2009)

Fe-Si is just not a very good combo, it's the very definition on what is shallow. Si= "this is how it should be" Fe="i will adhere to it" = "anything that falls outside of this is not normal and not interesting to me, i will thus never understand it and therefore fear it and maybe hate it".

a normal esfj will always be this way. unless he follows what he believes to be the norm, he will feel terribly awkward and left out. Si is subjective though, and he may not always follow what is percieved as cool by society, but he will always try to conform with those he thinks is the shit. he will never try to do something different other than with comedy(where he may dress up in a funny way, yet looking good). 

i just have a huge problem with this, because i think that everything that is not normal are the interesting bits.

i don't hate them by any means, it's just a total crash of interests


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## spoonforkknife (Sep 15, 2010)

Right now my mom is yelling at my sister over the way she writes.

Super Mom, saving us from life threatening individuality!


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## Quinault NDN (Jan 22, 2011)

Aquirred taste--nice way of saying only if I try reallllyyyyy hard.


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