# Conversations with Myself



## zekzar (Jul 9, 2017)

I'm putting this in the NT forum because I'm not too sure where else to put it. It seemed likely to me that NTs would be more interested in this than other types, so...

I'm not 100% sure how to explain this, so I'm just going to try my best.
I talk to myself a lot. But, most of the time, it feels like I'm actually talking to someone else. I'll get caught up in the conversation and I'll even start yelling at myself if it gets that bad.
It's almost like my brain splits into two different brains with completely different thought processes and feelings. It's a back and forth conversation, and both of these "brains" are working like normal brains do, considering logic, feelings, and overall consequence both at the same time, but differently.
Both of these sides of my brain has a name. One side is my actual name, and the other is a made up name I gave it because it felt weird to call it by my name because it doesn't really seem like me. It seems like a completely different person, even though I know it is the same person.
These conversations I have revolve around things that bother me. Whether it be about society, the government, entertainment groups, or myself. I talk to myself about what needs to be done to fix certain problems, and why each idea I come up with might not work, or why some might work. Maybe this is just me being a Devil's Advocate against myself, but it seems just a little more complicated than that. For example, someone will walk into the room, and depending on who it is, my brain will go, "Oh, yay, this person! Let's go say hey!" But then half a second later it says, "Oh, fuck, not this guy again," about the same person.

Honestly, I'm not even sure why I'm talking about this here. Oh well. I probably won't get any responses anyway, but in the off chance that I do, I want to leave with this:
I don't want to be told whether or not this is normal, because I know it's not. I want to know if it's something I need to worry about and if I should consider going to a doctor or a professional about this. And if anyone has this problem, if you would even consider it a problem, how do you deal with it?


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## atamagasuita (May 15, 2016)

I have those too. There's this critical voices inside me actually that logically tells me what i should do. XD 

I don't necessarily follow it, but it reminds me of what i should do. Like the right thing to do.


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## atamagasuita (May 15, 2016)

It's like my own default voice and then there's this critical voice. XD That's reminding me to be not stupid.


Actually this voice, this critical voice, actually helps me solve some of my problems that i made out of compulsivity. 

Like there's one time, i suddenly confessed to my crush out of compulsion that i love him. Hahahahahahaha..xD notice the word, "love" lol

Hahaha. XD then he responded politely like it's too much and he cannot offer back the same feelings.

So me, suddenly switched into that mode.. That critical mode, the logical type.. Because it's like an adrenalin that will get me out of trouble that i put myself into.

Then i managed to make it like not creepy and like, i don't really mean to say i love him.. Trying to reclaim that I'm cool and it's not that i love him.

Upon using my logical mindset, i was able to prove that i don't love him. And i just made it like i love him like i love my mother or friends lolololol xD

But i did make my point actually to him because i sounded very logical.. And that didn't ruined the friendship.lol hahahahaha thanks to my other mode.


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## Cherry (May 28, 2017)

When you are thinking "oh yay this guy, let's go say hey" and then "nah fuck him, not him again"
Are there any more thoughts into it or is it truly a sudden change of mind? (E.g. yay I like him...wait no I don't he was boring last time...fuck him) etc?


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## Dustanddawnzone (Jul 13, 2014)

Never had it so extreme as to yell out verbally. However, I do debate myself in my head and have yelled at myself in my mind before.I
can relate to what the op has typed.
On a more creative note, I have a friend who does something similar with the characters she creates with her stories where she will have conversations with them as though they are a part of her.


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## Daiz (Jan 4, 2017)

I have mental conversations with myself, or a fictional person who is played by me, and they can get quite intense and animated but I learn a lot from them. I don't change my mind about someone in a split second, though, and I don't yell at myself.

It sounds a little unusual and there may even be a special name for it, but as to whether you should be _worried_ about it: do you feel it's negatively impacting your life? If not, then I wouldn't be concerned. It sounds like this is just how you deal with stuff that's on your mind. Sometimes, we've just gotta get our thoughts out somehow and it seems like this is the most natural way for you.


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## zekzar (Jul 9, 2017)

atamagasuita said:


> I have those too. There's this critical voices inside me actually that logically tells me what i should do. XD
> 
> I don't necessarily follow it, but it reminds me of what i should do. Like the right thing to do.


I guess it's a little bit like that, but it doesn't really take control when I'm around people. I have main control when it comes to that, and sometimes it'll come up at random moments and I have to silently tell it to fuck off. But I understand that too.


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## zekzar (Jul 9, 2017)

Golden Creeper said:


> When you are thinking "oh yay this guy, let's go say hey" and then "nah fuck him, not him again"
> Are there any more thoughts into it or is it truly a sudden change of mind? (E.g. yay I like him...wait no I don't he was boring last time...fuck him) etc?


There are more thoughts into it, but it's still an extreme change of mind. There's not a lot of reason behind it. So, it's more like, "This guy is cool,' vs. "This guy is shit." And I'll switch in and out from whether I like them or not. I noticed this with my ex. One second I would wanna be around her all the time and the next I would be explaining to her why she's not good for me. But it just kind of happens out of nowhere and there's not a lot I can do to stop it.


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## Cherry (May 28, 2017)

zekzar said:


> There are more thoughts into it, but it's still an extreme change of mind. There's not a lot of reason behind it. So, it's more like, "This guy is cool,' vs. "This guy is shit." And I'll switch in and out from whether I like them or not. I noticed this with my ex. One second I would wanna be around her all the time and the next I would be explaining to her why she's not good for me. But it just kind of happens out of nowhere and there's not a lot I can do to stop it.


Maybe it is a battle between your logic/brain and your heart/gut feeling that you are not consciously very in tune with - hence you are finding it difficult to differentiate? 

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk


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## zekzar (Jul 9, 2017)

Daiz said:


> I have mental conversations with myself, or a fictional person who is played by me, and they can get quite intense and animated but I learn a lot from them. I don't change my mind about someone in a split second, though, and I don't yell at myself.
> 
> It sounds a little unusual and there may even be a special name for it, but as to whether you should be _worried_ about it: do you feel it's negatively impacting your life? If not, then I wouldn't be concerned. It sounds like this is just how you deal with stuff that's on your mind. Sometimes, we've just gotta get our thoughts out somehow and it seems like this is the most natural way for you.


It has negatively changed my life before. It's hindered my decision making, made me break up with my girlfriend out of impulse, I've yelled at and ignored my parents because of it.
I'm thinking it's just a way for my brain to express the multitude of things I bury underneath everything else. Except, everyone has things they bury and this doesn't happen to everyone, so I don't know. Maybe I consume too much information and have too many strong opinions, maybe I'm trying to slow myself down and actually think about everything for a second.


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## zekzar (Jul 9, 2017)

Golden Creeper said:


> Maybe it is a battle between your logic/brain and your heart/gut feeling that you are not consciously very in tune with - hence you are finding it difficult to differentiate?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk


That seems plausible. If interested, look at my response to Daiz, I explain a little of what I think it could also be there. Maybe it's a combination of both, but I have no idea. It doesn't seem to be thoughts/logic vs. feelings. It seems to be thoughts/logic/feelings vs. thoughts/logic/feelings.


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## sippingcappucino (Sep 23, 2017)

zekzar said:


> II'm thinking it's just a way for my brain to express the multitude of things I bury underneath everything else. . . Maybe I consume too much information and have too many strong opinions, maybe I'm trying to slow myself down and actually think about everything for a second.



I think this is highly plausible. I have a feeling it is your thoughts and subconscious catching up to your actions. After you live in the outer world for awhile, your brain starts to make sense of things you experienced. Therefore comes the dichotomy between what you experience or find pleasure in, and your subconscious thought process. It wants to stop you from stimulation for some reason. My thoughts tend to get very loud if something in the outer world does not match my inner world. During those times, no matter how painful it is, I need to cut off the outside world to make sense of my thoughts. They just loop sometimes, but I have the need to process them so they don't affect my decisions.

Is something bothering you? Is something not making sense to you?


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## zekzar (Jul 9, 2017)

sippingcappucino said:


> I think this is highly plausible. I have a feeling it is your thoughts and subconscious catching up to your actions. After you live in the outer world for awhile, your brain starts to make sense of things you experienced. Therefore comes the dichotomy between what you experience or find pleasure in, and your subconscious thought process. It wants to stop you from stimulation for some reason. My thoughts tend to get very loud if something in the outer world does not match my inner world. During those times, no matter how painful it is, I need to cut off the outside world to make sense of my thoughts. They just loop sometimes, but I have the need to process them so they don't affect my decisions.
> 
> Is something bothering you? Is something not making sense to you?


That makes sense. I'm not usually very active in the outside world, and I have been a lot lately, so. I spend the majority of my time by myself, learning new things, creating new ideas, etc. When I'm out doing stuff, with or without people, I tend to forget about those things and try to focus on whatever is happening in the moment.
I'm always thinking. Whether I'm in the outside or the inside world, my brain is always whirring. It doesn't stop and I'm not sure if it's capable of stopping until it dies. And I know I sound like one of those people who just complain about shit like, "Oh my god I think way too fucking much like I can't even help it," but I literally have hundreds and thousands of thoughts running around in my head at once, all trying to gain control of what I focus on. I'm always trying to process things.

To answer your questions, yes, and yes.
A lot of things bother me. A lot of things about probably anything and everything you can think of. None of it makes sense to me. Like it all makes sense, but it's not the logical, sensible sense that it's supposed to (or already does) make to everyone else.
I guess it might be a little relevant to say that I've been going through a shitton of mixed feelings in the past 10 months straight. Life changing decisions have been made, life changing shit that I had no control over happened. I can't ever figure out if I like someone or not. And I don't mean like romantically, I mean even just as a person. But, romantically does come into play as well, but it's not as bad because I don't think I'm stable enough for a relationship right now anyway. Everything feels likes it was all just thrown into one big trash compactor and now it's being crushed like Han, Luke, Leia, and Chewie.

That was a lot. Sorry.


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## sippingcappucino (Sep 23, 2017)

Don't be sorry. Never be sorry about sharing your thoughts.

But I know what you mean. I mean, I have no idea what you are going through, unfortunately, but I can empathize in a very general sense. I tend to drown in my thoughts. I have a life-long narrative I am living and another complete, but chaotic narrative in my head. It feels as if I am living in two worlds at the same time. Most of the time though, neither of them makes sense. I think I spend my life just trying to make sense of them. The more you try, more confusing it gets and further it branches out.

I can't provide any specific advice or empathetic comments, since I don't know your story. However, I do want you to know you are not alone in the fight. It doesn't make sense. Life doesn't make sense. There is supposedly a formula that everyone is aware of and easily follow. But even the simplest rituals, more you think about it, the less they make sense. The feelings and thoughts get worse when you are making major life decisions. There are so many details that you thought would fall into place, but do not. Too many variations and obstacles.

Personally speaking, I think turbulence brings enlightenment in the long run. Chaos is unfortunately never fun and extremely distracting, but as time passes and you process it enough, certain things will fall into place, I promise. It is almost impossible to do so, but I would like to carefully say it is okay to be lost. Those thoughts will bring new answers. The compactors with make unnecessary thoughts smaller, so you can store them better, and fill you with new ideas for the future.

Hang in there. I hope only the best for you. I am here for you too, if you need someone to talk. and rest of PerC.


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## Cherry (May 28, 2017)

zekzar said:


> That seems plausible. If interested, look at my response to Daiz, I explain a little of what I think it could also be there. Maybe it's a combination of both, but I have no idea. It doesn't seem to be thoughts/logic vs. feelings. It seems to be thoughts/logic/feelings vs. thoughts/logic/feelings.


I did read it - it sounds to me like a bit of what I said, and what you yourself have said - all these subconscious/buried emotions and opinions etc, all conflicting...I wouldn't suggest going to a 'doctor' unless it continues and is incredibly problematic and consuming you entirely - as they will likely just give you medications _UNNECCESSARILY_ (which I think should be an absolute last resort)...I think maybe seeking a counsellor, or psychologist to talk about and try and uncover what's going on is in fact a more suitable suggestion!


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## zekzar (Jul 9, 2017)

sippingcappucino said:


> Don't be sorry. Never be sorry about sharing your thoughts.
> 
> But I know what you mean. I mean, I have no idea what you are going through, unfortunately, but I can empathize in a very general sense. I tend to drown in my thoughts. I have a life-long narrative I am living and another complete, but chaotic narrative in my head. It feels as if I am living in two worlds at the same time. Most of the time though, neither of them makes sense. I think I spend my life just trying to make sense of them. The more you try, more confusing it gets and further it branches out.
> 
> ...


Thank you, I really appreciate it. I'm just hoping that this will all just pass over like everything else seems to do.


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## zekzar (Jul 9, 2017)

Golden Creeper said:


> I did read it - it sounds to me like a bit of what I said, and what you yourself have said - all these subconscious/buried emotions and opinions etc, all conflicting...I wouldn't suggest going to a 'doctor' unless it continues and is incredibly problematic and consuming you entirely - as they will likely just give you medications _UNNECCESSARILY_ (which I think should be an absolute last resort)...I think maybe seeking a counsellor, or psychologist to talk about and try and uncover what's going on is in fact a more suitable suggestion!


That's what I was thinking almost exactly. I'm noticing that it's becoming a little more prominent in my life. For example, I was talking to a friend of mine today and I said, "Anyways..." and then I said, "Hey, 'anyways' isn't a word, it's 'anyway.' Okay, you're right, thanks." And so I think she thinks I'm a little crazy now but I don't care too much. She threw her sandwich on accident so I think we're even.
I really don't want to go to a doctor off of the sole fact that I know I'll get medicine immediately. If there's one thing I hate about doctors is that they assume medicine can and always will be a good answer, when it's not a lot of the time.
I thought about going to a therapist or a psychologist or something, but that would involve having to tell my mother about my problem, (I'm 16.) and she would likely freak out and think that it's her fault. Not to mention, I've never had good experiences with therapists. It seems like I just become another file in their desk and I'm forgotten about until the next time I visit. Which, I know this isn't entirely the therapist's fault, but it's someone's fault and it isn't mine. I guess that's just a little glimpse on how I view things that have good intentions, but not always good structure. Or at least a structure that isn't good when you look at it from a deeper perspective than just looking at it on paper.
I don't know what I'm gonna do, and to be honest, it seems like I'm not gonna do anything. I'm probably just gonna have to find a way to either get used to it or get rid of it on my own. Oh well.


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## Cherry (May 28, 2017)

Hmm is there one you could go to at your school or something??

You know, even if your mum reacts in the short term - I think it is still better to let her know (in the long run), I'm sure because she cares for you it would be better for her to know what's going on _now_ and for you to tackle it_ now_ also before it becomes too much of a hassle for yourself to deal with (which in turn would inevitably affect your loved ones anyway). I'm just thinking big picture here. You deserve to reach out and get some support for this!


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## zekzar (Jul 9, 2017)

Golden Creeper said:


> Hmm is there one you could go to at your school or something??
> 
> You know, even if your mum reacts in the short term - I think it is still better to let her know (in the long run), I'm sure because she cares for you it would be better for her to know what's going on _now_ and for you to tackle it_ now_ also before it becomes too much of a hassle for yourself to deal with (which in turn would inevitably affect your loved ones anyway). I'm just thinking big picture here. You deserve to reach out and get some support for this!


Last time I let my mom know anything about me like that, she freaked out and told me that it was just an "attention wanting" phase. But she cried about it and wouldn't tell me why. I don't think I should tell my mom because she's going through a shitton of shit rights now, and I don't need to be another thing just stacking on top of everything else. But I get what you're saying, and I've thought about it for a long time. I just don't think it's the best decision right now.


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## visceral (Apr 11, 2017)

I debate with myself internally against myself.


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