# Yippee! I've hurt yet another friend unknowingly!



## LadyLeo (Nov 2, 2016)

Yeah, that's a sarcastic 'yippee', thanks. I'm an ENTP, a student majoring in Psychology. That's one subject I love like hell. For a while, my complaint was that I got to read about some serious illnesses and disorders only on paper and learn everything about that only from books. Internet and hearsay. As you could guess, it's not at all satisfying, definitely not enough to satisfy the thirst of curiosity and learn the actualities of the victims. 

Then it so happened that I came pretty close to a few people who were either victims of serious disorders or closely related to those with disorders. Or did they come to me? Circumstances just got us in touch.

They had one of these issues each - ADHD, Bipolar, may be Borderline personality disorder, may be NPD, schizophrenia, and a victim in his early stages of substance abuse/addiction.

With each of them, I honestly wanted to help them. So I spent days and nights researching about their illnesses, the causes, the effects and the symptoms. I made sure that I offered my gentle, human side to them while reminding them that I'm always available in case they need any help from me. 

I made sure that I'd keep my impulsiveness under check while dealing with them. I'd put across my point (that they should not forget taking their medicines, they should consider meeting a therapist, they should try to free themselves or distract themselves by talking freely to someone they trust) as politely yet assertively as possible. 

From my experience, I believe that most of them are feelers! Add to it the woes of disorders and emotional pain. So anything I say could hurt them anytime, depending on the situation, especially when most of the talk happens over chat!

Yes, we live in different states, plus they'd prefer to open up through messages, not when they see me in person. 

Now that I sort of insist on what they should be doing, which they don't like to listen from anyone, they are distant. I can also sense that they're hurt. It's natural and understandable. 

But is there no way an NT can tell an NF the truth without hurting them, even.if they use the most compassionate language?


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## HermioneG (Jul 1, 2015)

I find that often times I "help" as way to be empathetic. "Hey that really sucks you're dealing with XYZ. Let me research and help you find a solution to your problem." But they don't want help. They don't want to fix. They just want a hug." Blah.


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## LadyLeo (Nov 2, 2016)

HermioneG said:


> I find that often times I "help" as way to be empathetic. "Hey that really sucks you're dealing with XYZ. Let me research and help you find a solution to your problem." But they don't want help. They don't want to fix. They just want a hug." Blah.


I'm very much ready to give them.the hug. A hug is a two-way therapy. But a hug alone can't help someone with a substance abuse problem or antisocial personality disorder or NPD or those who are closest to the narcissists. Hugs can make them feel momentarily good, but someone had to throw light on their darkness. 

And it's not these people that are the XYZ (the Narc excluded). These are part of the Feelers. When I'm strong, stable and energetic, I can deal with these and almost all the feelers much better.

I'm human, too, (am I eligible for a hug?) and it's when things get messy... Lemme see if I can explain messy. When they're hurt, they don't know whom to go to. Many reject them. Seeing from afar this, I volunteer to share their pain and give them my positive energy, and guess what? Knowingly they start exploiting me there. It can also be seen as a test. How do I not lose my cool?


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## Jamaia (Dec 17, 2014)

Explain again how it is a friendship? Is it rare that this happens?


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## Tsubaki (Apr 14, 2015)

@HermioneG:
I can actually fully understand any person who gets annoyed by that and I have a very similar viewpoint. I think what some people don't realize is that oftentimes, others are content with how they are and just need to put it into words for themselves. It might be hard to understand, since there is a theoretical quick fix for many things, but if someone doesn't express that they want help, they usually don't. 

When a friend asked me how I was doing and I said "I am chronically bored. I don't know, I am always busy, but still permanently bored and not challenged enough", that is a general statement and you can be sure that I am working on finding a solution for myself. I do not want to hear "Have you considered learning an instrument?", "You could start sewing again" or "I will come up with something that you can do!". I really support the view that everyone has their own issues and as long as they don't specifically reach out for help, they do not want help.



LadyLeo said:


> I'm very much ready to give them.the hug. A hug is a two-way therapy. But a hug alone can't help someone with a substance abuse problem or antisocial personality disorder or NPD or those who are closest to the narcissists. Hugs can make them feel momentarily good, but someone had to throw light on their darkness.


You are trying to seeyourself as hero and savior. That is NOT going to happen. If you like it or not, people will not let you deep enough into their psyche for your to make a fundamental difference. You are also, no matter how much you read, not qualified to try to "fix" their problems. I have been dealing with people along those lines as well and I am pretty convinced that my way is a fairly healthy one to approach these problems.

The first step is to listen. If they talk, be there and genuinely act like you care. This excludes every "aw", "how horrible", "I feel bad for you", etc. You don't need to verbally show that you are listening and hearing them if you genuinely are. Then you need to make clear that you are there for them IF they reach out for help. IF they have something on their mind. If they come back to it or not is their choice, but they know that they have the option. Then, act normal around them. Don't try to be super-careful around them and make them feel accepted. Don't make exceptions or special arrangements for them, just be friendly and authentic.



> I'm human, too, (am I eligible for a hug?) and it's when things get messy... Lemme see if I can explain messy. When they're hurt, they don't know whom to go to. Many reject them. Seeing from afar this, I volunteer to share their pain and give them my positive energy, and guess what? Knowingly they start exploiting me there. It can also be seen as a test. How do I not lose my cool?


That's because you don't make clear where you stand. You try too hard to make them feel better which makes them see you as spineless and able to be exploited. Make clear where you stand. Tell them, they can come if they need support, you will listen to them, but you are not entitled to have anything from you and should be grateful for what they get.


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## LadyLeo (Nov 2, 2016)

Jamaia said:


> Explain again how it is a friendship? Is it rare that this happens?


One of them is my school mate's (best friend's) mother. She has severe, chronic schizophrenia. It is about my friend that I'm more concerned because her mother is comfortable not aware of all the problems she's causing. My best friend has totally shut down herself from the rest of the world (she seemed to be really depressed the last time we spoke) and she talks only to those that she must/can't avoid. Another one is my ex colleague. Two others are fellow bloggers - in the last six months, we got pretty close. Somehow they're all very comfortable with trusting me and sharing with me things that they wouldn't share with anyone else. Yes, they're all my friends, all of them are in neighbouring states and because of various factors like time and money, we hardly get to meet in person. 

Also, when we meet in person, they want to forget their issues and just smile. I share my positive energy with them and make them laugh, or at least relax and smile. But that's temporary. When reality strikes again, they get back into feeling low!

They don't want to even think of the problem, forget accepting it. Then how can they lead a peaceful life? As a friend and fellow human, I'm concerned. I'm still trying - not forcing them but giving them gentle reminders once in a while, keeping myself a little distant from them, hoping that would give them time to think over it.


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## LadyLeo (Nov 2, 2016)

Tsubaki said:


> @HermioneG:
> I can actually fully understand any person who gets annoyed by that and I have a very similar viewpoint. I think what some people don't realize is that oftentimes, others are content with how they are and just need to put it into words for themselves. It might be hard to understand, since there is a theoretical quick fix for many things, but if someone doesn't express that they want help, they usually don't.
> 
> When a friend asked me how I was doing and I said "I am chronically bored. I don't know, I am always busy, but still permanently bored and not challenged enough", that is a general statement and you can be sure that I am working on finding a solution for myself. I do not want to hear "Have you considered learning an instrument?", "You could start sewing again" or "I will come up with something that you can do!". I really support the view that everyone has their own issues and as long as they don't specifically reach out for help, they do not want help.
> ...


I don't want to be the person who offers a fix or makes them come to terms with reality and accept it to feel better. I'd at least like them to visit a psychologist or try spending time for themselves. I very much understand that you can't help someone who doesn't want help. 

They complain either to me or on the social media or they get into sulking. As a friend, what am I supposed to do? Stand back and watch them sulk and I'll go about with my work, like the rest of them do? In what way am I a friend then? If I don't even suggest that they approach someone who can make them feel calmer and more comfortable? 

No, they don't see me as spineless. Nobody in my circle would. By exploit, I mean, using emotional techniques on me. From my POV I see that as childish because I'm quite open about what runs in my mind. But I also understand that 1. It's not in their nature to be as frank or even half as frank and blunt as I am, 2. They're dealing with their own problems. So I do give them many chances, but it's too complicated, really.

For example, a friend of mine would connect with me once in a while (she was and is going through hell) and as she'd narrate her issues with a sarcastic tone or in a mocking way, laughing at herself, I'd do the same - tell her in a joking way how horrible my life would be. That was her way of coping up, by laughing and trying to hide or suppress her pain, also trying to forget it by discussing with me and getting to know that my life is also hell.

In reality, I hate to complain. I look at life very positively and when there's some problem, I think of all possible solutions. 

There came a point when I was going through some really dark times and I felt lost, but I had still not lost my self confidence. Finally I decided what my course of action would be and how to get rid of those problems for life. This friend tried to contact me at that time, when I was just in the early stages of recovery (all with self help and just a little motivation from strangers and a few friends online who'd been through similar situations in life) and asked me repeatedly what happened in my life then?

I said that I was doing good and I didn't want to talk about that and there she stopped talking to me. Can you understand what happened? I'd come out of my problems; then she felt bad to talk to me because I wouldn't be telling her "my life is even more horrible" anymore, and she felt alone. It is natural. Very much understandable when I view things from their perspective. 

Now I'm leading a peaceful, calm life. This is what I want for her and my other friends, too. Complaining is not the solution. Either don't complain; learn to live happily with it, or try to see how you can come out of what worries you? Why continue to keep yourself in the dark? Simply because you ask for help, it doesn't mean that you are inferior in anyway and those who guide you are better than you are. 

You will complain or express intense pain in multiple ways and I should just watch?


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## Jamaia (Dec 17, 2014)

No I meant how is it reciprocal friendship with them? I think you should draw some lines.


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## Necrofantasia (Feb 26, 2014)

LadyLeo said:


> With each of them, I honestly wanted to help them. So I spent days and nights researching about their illnesses, the causes, the effects and the symptoms. I made sure that I offered my gentle, human side to them while reminding them that I'm always available in case they need any help from me.
> 
> I made sure that I'd keep my impulsiveness under check while dealing with them. I'd put across my point (that they should not forget taking their medicines, they should consider meeting a therapist, they should try to free themselves or distract themselves by talking freely to someone they trust) as politely yet assertively as possible.


Surely you did this once, maybe twice so that you'd be sure they understood, then went back to being a friend instead of an eager beaver psychologist, right? 



LadyLeo said:


> From my experience, I believe that most of them are feelers! Add to it the woes of disorders and emotional pain. So anything I say could hurt them anytime, depending on the situation, especially when most of the talk happens over chat!


Sensitivity is not exclusive to feelers, there are quite a few NTs with thin skins, NTs that cry openly when troubled, etc etc. 




LadyLeo said:


> But is there no way an NT can tell an NF the truth without hurting them, even.if they use the most compassionate language?


Who's to say they don't already know this truth?


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## TipsyBlg (Jan 21, 2017)

I used to be best friends with a girl like that (ENFP). She was always telling us about her problems at home (her father and step-mother treated her as the maid of the house), and we all gave her solutions, but she would always give us back an excuse to not actually step our of her situation.
She was indulging herself in her misery because she liked the attention she got from people. She liked to be pitied, it made her feel better. I'm not saying she was faking it, she seriously was in a bad situation and in a bad shape. I ended up arguing over that with her and we stopped our friendship. I learnt a year later she got her shit together and left home.

My point is: some people are attention whores. They don't want you to actually help them, they just crave for your sympathy. Acting pitiful is their twisted way to get affection. In this category, there is also the "emotional vampire": these types will suck your sympathy and affection dry until you have no happiness left. Then they'll move out to another good Samaritan to fill up their empty self.

I deeply understand how you want to save people from their demons. Saving people is a way of saving oneself. One wants to help them the way they wished someone would.
Since you try so hard to help your friends, maybe you are like that too ?
It's just a theory


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## LadyLeo (Nov 2, 2016)

Jamaia said:


> No I meant how is it reciprocal friendship with them? I think you should draw some lines.


Haha, makes sense, yes. Well, this is how I've programmed myself. Show me any stranger - I'll make friends with them in less than 2 mins. And when do I cut off or end it? The moment I realise that they intentionally do something wrong to me. The stress is on the word 'intentionally', so it's a bit difficult for me.

I've reprogrammed myself to maintain a distance with them when they seem to be lost or confused, and in seeking their way out they harm themselves and others... But if they do it intentionally, (so far, it only appears that it's their problems that are making them act this way) or if it becomes intolerable, yes, I'll have to say goodbye!

With the rest of the world, it's quite easy. With these friends, though, they've already killed enough relationships unknowingly and long for love, so I just want to be somewhat relaxed with them. That's why I am looking for a way to put across my point gently... Lemme see. But I'll surely keep your words in mind.


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## LadyLeo (Nov 2, 2016)

Nell said:


> LadyLeo said:
> 
> 
> > With each of them, I honestly wanted to help them. So I spent days and nights researching about their illnesses, the causes, the effects and the symptoms. I made sure that I offered my gentle, human side to them while reminding them that I'm always available in case they need any help from me.
> ...


In most cases, my friend, deep inside they know the truth, that they have some problems which are not those that a normal individual would face in his/her everyday life, but they run away from accepting it, which tends to make matters worse for them. 

If accepting that we have a problem is difficult for you and me, it's 10 times more difficult for them. Remember they're already wounded - for years or even decades.


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## LadyLeo (Nov 2, 2016)

TipsyBlg said:


> I used to be best friends with a girl like that (ENFP). She was always telling us about her problems at home (her father and step-mother treated her as the maid of the house), and we all gave her solutions, but she would always give us back an excuse to not actually step our of her situation.
> She was indulging herself in her misery because she liked the attention she got from people. She liked to be pitied, it made her feel better. I'm not saying she was faking it, she seriously was in a bad situation and in a bad shape. I ended up arguing over that with her and we stopped our friendship. I learnt a year later she got her shit together and left home.
> 
> My point is: some people are attention whores. They don't want you to actually help them, they just crave for your sympathy. Acting pitiful is their twisted way to get affection. In this category, there is also the "emotional vampire": these types will suck your sympathy and affection dry until you have no happiness left. Then they'll move out to another good Samaritan to fill up their empty self.
> ...


Like them in what sense? If I were one of those attention whores thriving on their attention 1. I wouldn't be wasting my time here, where even my name isn't known; instead I'll be either there with them or looking out for more people like them 2. I wouldn't limit my conversation with them to just "maybe you should go meet your psychologist and tell them of all the recent updates", "how about going for a counselling session or practising meditation everyday? That could help you relax." With my guts and impulsiveness, I'd jump on to the field and convince them that I am their counsellor, right? 3. Also I know many who do praise me a lot for the littlest things I've done. Why am I not going to them and spending time with the critics and pessimists instead?

Also I never wished anyone would help me. I'm my problem creator. I'm my problem solver. 

Anyway, an interesting 'theory'. 

Lol, I understand how 'deeply you have understood how I want to save people from their demons'! Haha, demons in my life anytime in the past or present? Lol, I don't think any demon is that courageous to enter my life! Jokes apart, I'm always happy for those who don't have such illnesses and aren't closely related to or involved with anyone with such disorders.


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## VinnieBob (Mar 24, 2014)

and that's the reason why i'm glad i don't have feelings
when some one sez ''you hurt my feelings''
i retort ''that's what you get fer having feelings

get used to it
it's a NT thang


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## TipsyBlg (Jan 21, 2017)

LadyLeo said:


> Like them in what sense? If I were one of those attention whores thriving on their attention 1. I wouldn't be wasting my time here, where even my name isn't known; instead I'll be either there with them or looking out for more people like them 2. I wouldn't limit my conversation with them to just "maybe you should go meet your psychologist and tell them of all the recent updates", "how about going for a counselling session or practising meditation everyday? That could help you relax." With my guts and impulsiveness, I'd jump on to the field and convince them that I am their counsellor, right? 3. Also I know many who do praise me a lot for the littlest things I've done. Why am I not going to them and spending time with the critics and pessimists instead?


Why did you assume "you" were the attention whore ? It's the other way, you're the one who wants to help the attention whore, the one who "feed" them (it's theoretical, I don't remember what you said about your friends). Have you ever been accused of being an attention whore to get that defensive ?



LadyLeo said:


> Lol, I understand how 'deeply you have understood how I want to save people from their demons'! Haha, demons in my life anytime in the past or present? Lol, I don't think any demon is that courageous to enter my life! Jokes apart, I'm always happy for those who don't have such illnesses and aren't closely related to or involved with anyone with such disorders.


Put on shrink glasses

"Looks like a justification."

I used the term "demons" because it's the common word in this kind of discussion, but I actually meant daimon/daimonic, the deepest fears and destructive desires we all have deep inside us. It's not about something possessing you, the daemon is you, it's your shadow self.
So yeah, the daemon* is *brave enough to enter your life


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## LadyLeo (Nov 2, 2016)

Vinniebob said:


> and that's the reason why i'm glad i don't have feelings
> when some one sez ''you hurt my feelings''
> i retort ''that's what you get fer having feelings
> 
> ...


Haha!


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## LadyLeo (Nov 2, 2016)

TipsyBlg said:


> LadyLeo said:
> 
> 
> > Like them in what sense? If I were one of those attention whores thriving on their attention 1. I wouldn't be wasting my time here, where even my name isn't known; instead I'll be either there with them or looking out for more people like them 2. I wouldn't limit my conversation with them to just "maybe you should go meet your psychologist and tell them of all the recent updates", "how about going for a counselling session or practising meditation everyday? That could help you relax." With my guts and impulsiveness, I'd jump on to the field and convince them that I am their counsellor, right? 3. Also I know many who do praise me a lot for the littlest things I've done. Why am I not going to them and spending time with the critics and pessimists instead?
> ...


Nobody's called me an attention whore so far, or probably I'm one and they just don't have the guts to say that? 

If there's some daemon that I've not yet figured out and conquered, then it'll be nice to meet that one for a coffee sometime. Lemme wait for it to come out.

Looks like justification? Haha, that looks like a defense mechanism.


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## Exquisitor (Sep 15, 2015)

If you're dealing with people who have fairly serious problems and are resistant to advice... then yeah, any advice is probably inevitably going to cause them emotional pain, even if it is part of a process that would ultimately help them. This is a really hard fact of the world to come to terms with, but there are people you will not be able to help until they themselves want that help badly enough.

Therapeutic intervention _has_ to have a voluntary element to work, unfortunately. If someone doesn't want to be helped (which is so often the case _because_ it is painful and confronting and difficult and of unproven benefit to themselves), there's not really an appropriate, tactful way to help them make positive changes in their lives until they decide that they do want help.

The only exception I can think of is if you had some actual authority to assert yourself -- if you were dealing with your kids, or family, or lover, or very best friend, or someone officially in your care. Then you might be in a position to push more, but you'd still be met with resistance obviously and they'd still need to decide to accept help for it to work, although a coercive element might factor into it. (Like, a parent can try to coerce their teenager by denying them certain privileges. I think this is how those "brat camps" in Utah force a breakdown in dysfunctional at-risk kids. Not really an option when dealing with one's peers.)

If you want to go beyond simple emotional support and help people make real positive changes in their lives, my understanding is that you have to come to an agreement with them that they want things to change and will follow your advice for making it happen.

These are the limits of what you can do. Also know that when your most gentle and sincere efforts to help people still cause them emotional pain, you can't tear yourself up about it, because people who are struggling that much in their lives are going to be hurt either way. It sucks, but you can't tell yourself that you're the cause of pain in their life, especially if it's a little irritation instead of a disaster that you can prevent.

The other person has to realise (hopefully through the support of others) that they can take control of their life and prevent themselves from being hurt, because ultimately they're the only person who can.

I say this not really knowing much about how people come from that point of resistance to accepting help. A lot of people say you have to hit rock bottom, and that's all I know for sure from my own experience. I learned how to manage my life after I experienced abuse and had a psychotic bipolar episode, which forced me to go through a long period of treatment and recovery.

Here's a long personal anecdote about someone in my life I've tried to help. (I'm an INTJ and my understanding is that he's an INFx, he's dysfunctional enough (plus introverted P/J is really confusing) that I can't quite pin it down.)

* *




When I met my ex, his life was quite a mess. As we started a relationship I realised he had some really destructive attitudes towards self-care and professional help, and it took a lot just to get him to seek and trust medical advice, as well as to encourage him to be more proactive in making life decisions that wouldn't inevitably fall apart. He accepted my advice a lot of the time because I was his partner, we were living together, and we had that mutual trust and affection. But for all his low points, I don't think he really hit a crisis that forced him to change his outlook. I think my help was ultimately a bit of a bandaid.

For all that I was able to help him more than one can normally help a friend, I wouldn't want to be in that kind of relationship again, with that quasi-carer dynamic. It doesn't feel right to be in such an asymmetrical relationship with your life partner (which hurts -- a lot -- when you're doing it because you really love that person and you see everything that they could be). Anyway, even though we're still friends since we broke up, he seems to be back to making some pretty erratic choices, kind of spinning his wheels living moment-to-moment. There's nothing I can do about it now other than offer whatever advice he'll hear (and try to sound like less of a judgemental bitch than I do giving that summary).



In life, we hit these hard limits.

I'd venture that the most useful thing you can do in this situation is explain to the individual how you can help them, why they can trust you, and give concrete examples of how your advice has been proven to help others; anything to make the prospect of deciding to commit to change feel more safe and comfortable. There's not much else that it would be appropriate or helpful for you to do other than keep that door open.


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## LadyLeo (Nov 2, 2016)

Exquisitor said:


> If you're dealing with people who have fairly serious problems and are resistant to advice... then yeah, any advice is probably inevitably going to cause them emotional pain, even if it is part of a process that would ultimately help them. This is a really hard fact of the world to come to terms with, but there are people you will not be able to help until they themselves want that help badly enough.
> 
> Therapeutic intervention _has_ to have a voluntary element to work, unfortunately. If someone doesn't want to be helped (which is so often the case _because_ it is painful and confronting and difficult and of unproven benefit to themselves), there's not really an appropriate, tactful way to help them make positive changes in their lives until they decide that they do want help.
> 
> ...


Thanks for that. That was a really good answer in terms of both what you'd said and how you'd stated it. 

Yes, that's what I am doing now. Making sure that they're aware that my doors are open for them anytime and staying away from them. That way, they get their space and I'll know that I'm not pushing my help on them just because I see them struggling and suffering. 

Another thing I've noticed is that different people react differently in such circumstances. A few of them wish to connect with anyone and remain connected till the other person realises that something is wrong and tells them so. Some would even die with the pain rather than talk about it! Some are comfortable with their problems and in those cases, I don't interfere as long as I know that nobody is getting affected. 

It is kind of difficult because I don't see this as just climbing up the early stages of my career ladder, but as a human need that needs to be addressed. I'm not much emotional but I guess I empathise with people quite often. 

Some of them come to me because they enjoy my company, my warmth, and my childish jokes and I've made it a point that as long as they'd like to pretend that everything is fine, I wouldn't even think in those lines. I just want everyone to lead the happy and peaceful life that I'm living, but as a sensible adult, I must understand that it is not easily achievable, at least not for all. I'll try my best but only by remaining a distant spectator and a good friend till they permit me to do anything more or circumstances compel me to do something. 

Thanks for sharing your experience and your suggestions.


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## Short Cake Cake (Jan 13, 2017)

HermioneG said:


> I find that often times I "help" as way to be empathetic. "Hey that really sucks you're dealing with XYZ. Let me research and help you find a solution to your problem." But they don't want help. They don't want to fix. They just want a hug." Blah.


Why should friends inherently want a 'fix' from you? Perhaps they just want to be listened to and consoled so they can figure it out later?
Are they not allowed to feel pain or feel sorry for themselves for a moment?
Lol Hermione would give a hug XD
@LadyLeo

You're not a licensed therapist or psychologist, as a friend it's nice that you want to help them but you can help them in a way a FRIEND can not a professional.
You should encourage them to seek specialized help if they need it and give basic advice if they ask for it or imply they want it.
It has nothing to do with being an NF or an NT, you just need to step back IMO. Do things friends do together, be empathetic, and listen. Don't try to be their 'doctor' who happens to be a friend too.


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## Dogeater (Jan 28, 2017)

You've done no wrong. You gave them good advice from a caring heart. Just they are still in the throes of what ails them and they can't appreciate it right now. BUT...maybe somewhere inside your message has heard and someday they will take it to heart and find a good solution. With the right motives, I cannot condemn you, good lady! Don't give up.  You will find a healing method to get through to them. Thanks for caring for others.


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## HermioneG (Jul 1, 2015)

Short Cake Cake said:


> Why should friends inherently want a 'fix' from you? Perhaps they just want to be listened to and consoled so they can figure it out later?
> Are they not allowed to feel pain or feel sorry for themselves for a moment?
> Lol Hermione would give a hug XD


But.... but... if there is a problem, why on earth would someone NOT want to fix it? I can totally give hugs. But I am better at fixing things while you hug the ESFJ


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## Short Cake Cake (Jan 13, 2017)

HermioneG said:


> But.... but... if there is a problem, why on earth would someone NOT want to fix it? I can totally give hugs. But I am better at fixing things while you hug the ESFJ


Honestly I have no idea but some people just want to figure it out themselves or pity themselves until they are tired of it lol.
Haha wow, probably true tho I like the hugs~


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## LadyLeo (Nov 2, 2016)

Dogeater said:


> You've done no wrong. You gave them good advice from a caring heart. Just they are still in the throes of what ails them and they can't appreciate it right now. BUT...maybe somewhere inside your message has heard and someday they will take it to heart and find a good solution. With the right motives, I cannot condemn you, good lady! Don't give up.  You will find a healing method to get through to them. Thanks for caring for others.


Hey, thanks for that! I don't care whether the message reaches them through me or someone else. But I just want them to lead a peaceful life with no regrets in future. I'll do my best.


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## LadyLeo (Nov 2, 2016)

Short Cake Cake said:


> HermioneG said:
> 
> 
> > I find that often times I "help" as way to be empathetic. "Hey that really sucks you're dealing with XYZ. Let me research and help you find a solution to your problem." But they don't want help. They don't want to fix. They just want a hug." Blah.
> ...


So one's getting addicted to an illegal drug slowly; one's sticking to an abusive relationship; a few of them harm themselves unknowingly/knowingly because they feel unworthy, and in cases like this, I'll have to be just a FRIEND and watch?


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