# Top 5 Needs of Men and Women



## Rouge

Do you agree?

<extract>


After years of counselling married couples, American clinical psychologist and marriage counsellor Willard F. Harley, Jr concluded that the top five needs of men and women fell into 10 categories: 

*Top 5 needs of women*

*1 Affection* Women often associate affection with security, comfort, protection and approval. When a man shows his wife affection, he’s sending subliminal messages to her that he’ll take care of her, stand by her and protect her.

*2 Conversations *When women have intimate conversations with their spouse, it reassures them and make them feel loved and supported.

*3 Honesty* and openness A women needs to be able to trust her husband completely. When a man doesn’t maintain an honest, open communication with his wife, he undermines her trust.

*4 Financial support *Many women marry for the financial security their spouse provides.

*5 Family commitment *A woman needs her husband to be a good father and to be committed to the family. 


*Top 5 needs of Men*
*
1 Sexual fulfilment* Most women can go without sex for months, but for men, it’s pure torture. In fact, they would probably do it all the time if they had their way.

*2 Recreational companionship* Even after marriage, couples should make an effort to involve themselves in their spouses’ activities.

*3 An attractive spouse* A man needs a wife who looks good to him.
*
4 Domestic support* Most men like having domestic chores like cooking and cleaning done for them.

*5 Admiration* Men want their wives to be proud of them. So when you tell your husband that he’s wonderful, it motivates him to achieve more.


----------



## MrFixit

I think they are incredibly obvious stereotypes for each sex. so id have to disagree. Broad generalisations of sex should be avoided due to them being inaccurate. what people want in a relationship will vary from person to person. My 5 would be: 

*Trust* - an obvious requirement for a healthy relationship

*Compassion* - Each sex at some point will need the others support and comfort

*Fulfillment *- Weather sexually, intellectually or just knowing the other person gives you something that makes you happy

*Attraction *- The thing that draws you to someone in the first place, an individuals definition of beauty is completely unique

*Commitment* - That your both together for the right reasons, you want to stay together to achieve the same things. family etc 

These would be my top 5 (as a male) however i think they are a good list for anyone


----------



## Jennywocky

MrFixit said:


> I think they are incredibly obvious stereotypes for each sex.


I have no idea whether it's true or not, but the OP clearly stated it was based on years of experience within the marriage counseling field... not off-the-cuff stereotypes... even if the results seem to support some of the stereotypes. (Was this a general purpose counselor? A religious-style counselor? Subcultures being counseled impact generalizations drawn from them.) But the more I look at the list, while it sounds cliche, I actually know a lot of men and women who -- if asked -- would volunteer needs that could be categorized in ways like these.

And especially in a more traditional subculture, where the male/female roles are more defined, I wouldn't be surprised to see outcomes like this...and if this research occurred in the 1950-1985 range, I could see it being pretty realistic.


A notion about sex... Yes, I think the sheer act of sex itself might be focused upon more and essential to the man's well-being, considering the biological and hormonal make-up there (the reproductive drive towards orgasm)... and yes, I know I and a lot of woman can decide just not to have sex without a lot of agonizing, there are other things in life that seem as high priority or very fulfilling... but it doesn't mean we're not interested in it or don't use it as a way of affirming our relational connection, I'm very capable of wanting it enough to climb the walls sometimes even if I can seemingly more easily choose to postpone it or go without.


----------



## Hiccups24-7

*sings* "..there must be more to life than stereotypes". 
Free cookie for whoever guesses the song! :wink:


----------



## Rouge

Jennywocky said:


> Was this a general purpose counselor? A religious-style counselor?


Hi Jenny, as mentioned in the article, he is a clinical pyschologist and a marriage counsellor from the US.




Jennywocky said:


> if this research occurred in the 1950-1985 range, I could see it being pretty realistic.


The research was actually conducted recently. Surprising isn't it?

My take on women's needs:

*1 Affection* - I wouldn't be in a relationship without this.

*2 Conversations *- So on the ball. I've dated the strong and silent Scandinavian type and it almost drove me insane that I had to do all the talking. No way am I putting up with 20-30 years of this.

*3 Honesty* *and openness - *In my opinion, the lack of these qualities in a relationship is a definite no-go for me. I've actually walked out on one guy recently because of these issues. 

*4 Financial support* - I make (or used to make) an above average salary for my age group. I could probably support myself, a husband and a kid on my income alone. But we'd have to be very careful with our expenses in this case. I'd really prefer the guy to pull his own weight in the relationship and contribute to the mortage.

*5 Family commitment -* During my father's time, a man is not expected to be involved in bringing up his children. So most of them were absentee fathers. This is something I won't tolerate. The guy I marry will have to spend quality time talking and playing with our kids. Otherwise, I am booting him right out.

I wonder if my opinions make me a dinosaur :blushed: I guess I'm a pretty conventional woman at the end of the day.


----------



## MrFixit

> *sings* "..there must be more to life than stereotypes".
> Free cookie for whoever guesses the song


 Blur - Stereotypes

I feel i may have let my ideals of how i think things should be cloud my judgment of how they actually are, if the information is from a current expert and is up to date then there is no arguing with it, some long standing stereotypes are obviously based in truth, and will carry on that way


----------



## MyName

I really can't comment on the women one's, but I'll comment on your male choices, and post my own.

*1 Sexual fulfilment-*Yup, very important. If it's not coming at least once or twice a week, most men will be unhappy. But there are things I'd put ahead of it.

*2 Recreational companionship* This isn't a big deal to me, to be honest. If my wife and I like the same things, fine, but if we don't I would just deal with it. I guess I like my space

*3 An attractive spouse- *Not really. Looks are just iceing on the cake, so long as she isn't repulsive, it's not an issue for me at all.
*
4 Domestic support* Again, it would be nice if she made nice dinners for me, but it's not essential. I can take care of myself

*5 Admiration* Oh, this is very true. I think most men really need their wives to see them as strong and masculine. I defineatly would, very primative of me, I know.*grunts like caveman*

Anyway, my top five things-
1.Matching Values/Worldview
2.A sense of loyality(beyond just fidelity, I'm reffering to her doing things like sticking up for me when someone insults me, exc.)
3.Compatibal personalities
4.Regular(really frequent)sex
5.Someone who isn't controlling/will let me have space(this should replace the recreational activities on your general list, I'd say)


----------



## skycloud86

Rouge said:


> *Top 5 needs of Men*
> *
> 1 Sexual fulfilment* Most women can go without sex for months, but for men, it’s pure torture. In fact, they would probably do it all the time if they had their way.


This just has to be a stereotype. Either that or they talked to some of the most nymphomaniacal men they could find. Were some of these men 13 year old boys by any chance?




> *2 Recreational companionship* Even after marriage, couples should make an effort to involve themselves in their spouses’ activities.


Now this one sounds far more believable. An healthy relationship includes doing activities with your partner.




> *3 An attractive spouse* A man needs a wife who looks good to him.


Whilst this may be partly true, if he loves her enough to marry her, why would it matter if she looks good to him or not?



> 4 Domestic support[/B] Most men like having domestic chores like cooking and cleaning done for them.


No, mummy's boys like having chores done for them. Real men do their fair share of the housework. It seems as if most of these men were brought up in the 1950s, or were alive in that decade.



> *5 Admiration* Men want their wives to be proud of them. So when you tell your husband that he’s wonderful, it motivates him to achieve more.


That's true for most people in relationships.

I might post my five later.


----------



## AdAstraPerAspera

* 1 Sexual fulfilment* I admit I get down and a little frustrated when I don't get it, but its not the biggest thing in the world. But yes, important.

*2 Recreational companionship* Just even 1 minuscule hobby or something along those lines will do me. I don't see it as a top5 thing though..

*3 An attractive spouse* Physical attraction does matter to me.. But I'm not after any girl top of the line or anything else.. Most girls are easy on the eyes for me, so most would suit my 'criteria' (geez, that sounds so impersonal and up myself) for this need.
*
4 Domestic support* Other way around for me. I work with kids, I'm used to doing the domestic sort of work. I'd have the support roles reversed.

*5 Admiration* YES!! I always need admiration. And yes, I purposely used the word 'need'.


----------



## Hiccups24-7

MrFixit said:


> Blur - Stereotypes












As promised


----------



## Sidewalk Balloonatic

Jennywocky said:


> I have no idea whether it's true or not, but the OP clearly stated it was based on years of experience within the marriage counseling field... not off-the-cuff stereotypes... even if the results seem to support some of the stereotypes. (Was this a general purpose counselor? A religious-style counselor? Subcultures being counseled impact generalizations drawn from them.) But the more I look at the list, while it sounds cliche, I actually know a lot of men and women who -- if asked -- would volunteer needs that could be categorized in ways like these.


As a marriage counselor his experience is only going to be based on couples with enough issues in their relationship to warrant having counseling. If the issues in the relationship can be even partly attributed differences in needs or priorities then his experience is not an accurate representation of married couples as a whole. Couples who don't require counseling might have much similar priorities than what is claimed here, and with similar priorities they likely have a more harmonious relationship.


----------



## MyName

skycloud86 said:


> This just has to be a stereotype. Either that or they talked to some of the most nymphomaniacal men they could find. Were some of these men 13 year old boys by any chance?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Now this one sounds far more believable. An healthy relationship includes doing activities with your partner.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Whilst this may be partly true, if he loves her enough to marry her, why would it matter if she looks good to him or not?
> 
> 
> 
> No, mummy's boys like having chores done for them. Real men do their fair share of the housework. It seems as if most of these men were brought up in the 1950s, or were alive in that decade.
> 
> 
> 
> That's true for most people in relationships.
> 
> I might post my five later.


You're right about looks/"domestic support", but how is sex not important. Isn't it what makes two people lovers instead of just "close friends"


----------



## ape

Rouge said:


> Hi Jenny, as mentioned in the article, he is a clinical psychologist and a marriage counselor from the US.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> The research was actually conducted recently. Surprising isn't it?
> 
> My take on women's needs:
> 
> *1 Affection* - I wouldn't be in a relationship without this.
> 
> *2 Conversations *- So on the ball. I've dated the strong and silent Scandinavian type and it almost drove me insane that I had to do all the talking. No way am I putting up with 20-30 years of this.
> 
> *3 Honesty* *and openness - *In my opinion, the lack of these qualities in a relationship is a definite no-go for me. I've actually walked out on one guy recently because of these issues.
> 
> *4 Financial support* - I make (or used to make) an above average salary for my age group. I could probably support myself, a husband and a kid on my income alone. But we'd have to be very careful with our expenses in this case. I'd really prefer the guy to pull his own weight in the relationship and contribute to the mortgage.
> 
> *5 Family commitment -* During my father's time, a man is not expected to be involved in bringing up his children. So most of them were absentee fathers. This is something I won't tolerate. The guy I marry will have to spend quality time talking and playing with our kids. Otherwise, I am booting him right out.
> 
> I wonder if my opinions make me a dinosaur :blushed: I guess I'm a pretty conventional woman at the end of the day.


You must be very attractive or why else would you have such rigid standards?

If you are not very attractive and sexual and supporting of your man, I predict troubled relationships in your future and a very high likelihood of spinsterhood

Compromise is the lube in the machine of life, booting your children's father out the door because you deem his family time inadequete seems very rigid and ruthless

Are you going to notify the would be father of such plans before pregnancy or just surprise him one day?


----------



## snail

Rouge said:


> Do you agree?
> 
> <extract>
> 
> 
> After years of counselling married couples, American clinical psychologist and marriage counsellor Willard F. Harley, Jr concluded that the top five needs of men and women fell into 10 categories:
> 
> *Top 5 needs of women*
> 
> *1 Affection* Women often associate affection with security, comfort, protection and approval. When a man shows his wife affection, he’s sending subliminal messages to her that he’ll take care of her, stand by her and protect her.
> 
> *2 Conversations *When women have intimate conversations with their spouse, it reassures them and make them feel loved and supported.
> 
> *3 Honesty* and openness A women needs to be able to trust her husband completely. When a man doesn’t maintain an honest, open communication with his wife, he undermines her trust.
> 
> *4 Financial support *Many women marry for the financial security their spouse provides.
> 
> *5 Family commitment *A woman needs her husband to be a good father and to be committed to the family.
> 
> 
> *Top 5 needs of Men*
> *
> 1 Sexual fulfilment* Most women can go without sex for months, but for men, it’s pure torture. In fact, they would probably do it all the time if they had their way.
> 
> *2 Recreational companionship* Even after marriage, couples should make an effort to involve themselves in their spouses’ activities.
> 
> *3 An attractive spouse* A man needs a wife who looks good to him.
> *
> 4 Domestic support* Most men like having domestic chores like cooking and cleaning done for them.
> 
> *5 Admiration* Men want their wives to be proud of them. So when you tell your husband that he’s wonderful, it motivates him to achieve more.


I do not think it is appropriate for a woman to want a man for the purpose of financial security, nor is it acceptable for a man to require a good-looking servant/sex slave. This is so much bullshit. If those are the needs of men, I'm going to become a lesbian. :angry:

Fortunately, I don't believe it. I know there are decent men out there. I would have zero tolerance for a man whose needs were the ones described here, and if I cared about money, I wouldn't deserve a decent man.


----------



## ape

Mulligan

....


----------



## ape

snail said:


> I do not think it is appropriate for a woman to want a man for the purpose of financial security, nor is it acceptable for a man to require a good-looking servant/sex slave. This is so much bullshit. If those are the needs of men, I'm going to become a lesbian. :angry:
> 
> Fortunately, I don't believe it. I know there are decent men out there.* I would have zero tolerance for a man whose needs were the ones described here*, and if I cared about money, I wouldn't deserve a decent man.


 
You would have zero tolerance for fullfilling a man's need for having you sometimes join him in his favorite activities, telling him you are proud of him and being supportive, having sex with him on a regular basis (as sex is how most men show their affection for a spouse, rather thanj ust words), showing your love by taking care of him when he comes home from a hard days work with a home cooked meal and having him find you attractive?

Why would such needs make a man not "decent"?


----------



## MyName

ape said:


> Wow
> 
> You would have zero tolerance for fullfilling a man's need for having you join him in his activities, telling him you are proud of him and being supportive, having sex with him on a regular basis, taking care of him when he comes home from a hard days work and having him find you attractive?
> 
> That seems very odd


She only seemed to be complaining about looks/domestic jobs/sex. The first two are shallow(although cooking can be a good way to show affection, there are plenty of other ways if that's not the wife's thing), but I don't get why people have issues with sex. Isn't that what seperates sexual love from platonic love?


----------



## snail

ape said:


> You would have zero tolerance for fullfilling a man's need for having you sometimes join him in his favorite activities, telling him you are proud of him and being supportive, having sex with him on a regular basis (as sex is how most men show their affection for a spouse, rather thanj ust words), showing your love by taking care of him when he comes home from a hard days work and having him find you attractive?
> 
> Why would such needs make a man not "decent"?


*Top 5 needs of women*

*1 Affection* Women often associate affection with security, comfort, protection and approval. When a man shows his wife affection, he’s sending subliminal messages to her that he’ll take care of her, stand by her and protect her.

_This is something I agree with. I would hope my mate valued this, also._


*2 Conversations *When women have intimate conversations with their spouse, it reassures them and make them feel loved and supported.

_This is something I agree with. I would hope my mate valued this, also._


*3 Honesty* and openness A women needs to be able to trust her husband completely. When a man doesn’t maintain an honest, open communication with his wife, he undermines her trust.

_This is something I agree with. I would hope my mate valued this, also._


*4 Financial support *Many women marry for the financial security their spouse provides.

_This should not be relevant. If we are compatible, we should still be so even in poverty or in an unstable external situation._


*5 Family commitment *A woman needs her husband to be a good father and to be committed to the family. 

_I don't plan to have children, but I do want him to care more about me than his job._


*Top 5 needs of Men*
*
1 Sexual fulfilment* Most women can go without sex for months, but for men, it’s pure torture. In fact, they would probably do it all the time if they had their way.

_I would provide this, but it shouldn't be the main purpose of a mate. If it is, then there is something wrong with the relationship. We should be able to retain our compatibility even if we became incapable of sex, for some reason._


*2 Recreational companionship* Even after marriage, couples should make an effort to involve themselves in their spouses’ activities.

_I agree with this, and also value it._



*3 An attractive spouse* A man needs a wife who looks good to him.


_I do not consider this appropriate. I believe a man should want a woman who is psychologically compatible, and should be sexually, intellectually, and emotionally attracted to that regardless of appearance._


*4 Domestic support* Most men like having domestic chores like cooking and cleaning done for them.

_This is only appropriate if I decide to work within the home instead of having a job outside of it. Otherwise, I feel that we should both be equally responsible for chores. Personally, I don't mind a mess, and would prefer a man who also didn't mind._

*5 Admiration* Men want their wives to be proud of them. So when you tell your husband that he’s wonderful, it motivates him to achieve more.

_I don't think "admiration" is the right word, because it makes me think that the man wants to be worshipped out of pride.  "Validation" sounds more like what would actually be appropriate, and I would hope he offered plenty, also._


----------



## Essay

Ooof, i hope all girls don't need financial support too bad. *gulp* Then again, this is geared more towards marriage.

Ok, so then we have *Top 5 needs of Men* ala me:
*
1 Sexual fulfilment* For me number one becomes the need to provide pleasure for the woman. If she wants it to be sexual, then that's what it will be, but if she wants it chaste, physical flirting is enough to keep me quiiite happy.

*2 Recreational companionship* Makes sense. I want to do a variety of things with all my friends, and I'd never marry someone I wasn't friendly with.

*3 An attractive spouse* Yes, but attractiveness for me is primarily decided by the way a girl talks, not looks.
*
4 Domestic support* Kind of. On one hand, I could totally tolerate living in a messy place if my wife was comfortable with it and neither of us were planning to play host. Really though, I think I'd appreciate an assertive girl in this sense who would make me help with chores and cooking.

*5 Admiration* Nah, don't need it. I put the one I love in the spotlight. The other way around just leads to a lot of awkward blushing on my part. :blushed: (Ok, maybe a little wouldn't hurt.)


----------



## ape

Essay said:


> Ooof, i hope all girls don't need financial support too bad. *gulp* Then again, this is geared more towards marriage.
> 
> Ok, so then we have *Top 5 needs of Men* ala me:
> 
> *1 Sexual fulfillment* For me number one becomes the need to provide pleasure for the woman. If she wants it to be sexual, then that's what it will be, but if she wants it chaste, physical flirting is enough to keep me quite happy.
> 
> *2 Recreational companionship* Makes sense. I want to do a variety of things with all my friends, and I'd never marry someone I wasn't friendly with.
> 
> *3 An attractive spouse* Yes, but attractiveness for me is primarily decided by the way a girl talks, not looks.
> 
> *4 Domestic support* Kind of. On one hand, I could totally tolerate living in a messy place if my wife was comfortable with it and neither of us were planning to play host. Really though, I think I'd appreciate an assertive girl in this sense who would make me help with chores and cooking.
> 
> *5 Admiration* Nah, don't need it. I put the one I love in the spotlight. The other way around just leads to a lot of awkward blushing on my part. :blushed: (Ok, maybe a little wouldn't hurt.)


A pre neutered hubby

You'll be a real catch for busy career women who don't have time to bust balls

Congratulations


----------

