# How can I avoid getting bullied again?



## chickydoda (Feb 12, 2010)

I'm returning to my hometown in a few months. My plan is to live there for two years or so, and to work my butt off to finally lose this weight.

Unfortunately, I got bullied for a few years in highschool. Most of the people involved have moved on to bigger and better places, but some still live there. I've also screwed things up with a few of the friends I had in church, so I'm unsure whether I should return to the same buildings or not.

I think I have more common sense now and less of a target, but you can never be sure. 

Whats the best response to a bully? If someone say, harrasses me in a zumba class or something, should I just find a new one to attend?

I feel like I have just as much right to live there as anyone else. It's the town I grew up in, with lovely walks, a great beach, nice parks, good shopping etc. I don't want to be kept out by bullies.

I'm afraid that some people never grow up. I don't want to be a victim once again.


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## JustBob31459 (Apr 7, 2014)

Why would you think that you would be bullied again?
Now, in HS everyone is forced to be together and bullying might be an outlet of frustration for the bully. Once they get out of HS most bullies don't really bully anyone, or continue that behaviour at their workplace sadly.

It is highly unlikely that you would be harassed during Zumba class or any other leisure activity.

The best thing to do is face the one trying to bully you; ask them what his/her problem is. Don't step down but don't be overly aggressive either.
Just look them down and think, what guts does that lowlife have to question me?

Thing is you must not start from the idea of "how can I avoid being a victim". Start with the idea of "how to deal with annoying people". Since that is the proper question.

It's kinda hart to explain; but you don't have anything to prove to them. You're a grown up person. Try to "place" what happened in the past and see the now as a blank sleet. Alot changes after highschool and people change.

You will ofcourse encounter people that don't like but don't assume the worst.


Now, what is more important is that you get rid of that latent fear. Fear can work paralysing and you should never make a decision based on fear. You are already afraid in advance, based on experiences in another context.
The question you should be asking is not how to deal with bullies; but how you can strenghten yourself, get out of that tunnelvision caused by fear of something in the past.



Now, if you screwed up with a couple of friends you used to had; don't avoid them. Go back to that church and say hi. Time is the best healer of social wounds. And unless you did something awefull, they might not even exactly remember or even care what went wrong. But if someone still is hurt and you know you acted wrongly, apologize for it if it comes up. 



_I feel like I have just as much right to live there as anyone else. It's the town I grew up in, with lovely walks, a great beach, nice parks, good shopping etc. I don't want to be kept out by bullies.
_

why even question the first sentence? It's not something you should feel, it's a fact. secondly, sounds like a lovely town. Third line is a wrong statement that starts with the fact that someone could make you leave or make you act differently.
Unless it's your boss or colleagues you prolly won't encounter any annoying social situations you should spend more then 2 minutes of your time on.

Now go and stop thinking that negatively. Make friends, talk to people you haven't seen in years and if you happen to encounter an ex bully; just smile and say hi.


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## INTP_Polly (Apr 11, 2014)

Sorry you got bullied. Bullies behave the way they do because they are essentially incompetent to deal with situations in other ways. I'm concerned because you see yourself as a potential victim in even something like a zumba class where people tend to be more preoccupied with things that don't relate to social.

I was bullied really bad when I was young so am struggling with a response here because bullying is unacceptable behavior and we should not blame the victim for it. However, I've also seen a lot of cases where people are not actually being bullied or mistreated but behave in ways that crosses boundaries. When people inevitably respond negatively to having their boundaries crossed, I've seen the trespasser feel victimized instead of realizing they muffed up and if they don't take responsibility and measures to remedy their behavior the situation is doomed to repeat itself.

I don't know you so it's hard to offer advice as to how to respond to the bullies but I can offer you some other advice that will help in either situation. These friends you screwed up with. Acknowledge what you did wrong and apologize for it. If you don't know what you did wrong, you need to find that out. Avoiding a problem never made it go away. See if you can come to at least some kind of an understanding so you don't have to avoid each other.

You don't stop bullying by living in fear, avoiding situations and isolating yourself. You stop bullying by dealing with your fears, getting out of your comfort zone and surrounding yourself with some kind of support group because bullies pick on loners...not those they see getting support from others. After all, they live in fear too and that's provoking a wrath they fear.

I'm a loner but I can honestly say its by choice. I have lots of nice people who want to hang with me but in order to be my friend you have to accept I like to be alone a lot. They also have accept that just because I'm strong doesn't mean I'll fight their battles for them. Finally they have to accept that if they keep having the same problems over and over I'm going to eventually shut them out because I have my own issues to deal with and their issues are their responsibility. Bullies are kept at bay because I'm well respected despite not being very social. So despite not physically hanging out with a lot of people I still have that contingency of support.

Being able to cope with bullies is not about fighting back, it's about having enough confidence in yourself you can ignore them.


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## xisnotx (Mar 20, 2014)

I'll defer to the legend that is Will Smith.

"Back up! Back up! Mind yo bizzness, that's all! Just mind yo bizzness!"


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

I don't think you'll find that to be much of a problem. Let me know if it is.


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## Promethea (Aug 24, 2009)

Sounds like maybe it happened when you and the bullies were a bit younger? Maybe they have grown up a bit. Hopefully they have more to worry about than picking on someone. 

The most important thing to do is do whatever you want to do anyway. You can't let people or the thought of people hold you back - its just going to limit -you-. 

If they start up, don't show them any reaction. Ignore it, and it will likely pass quickly. 

If someone starts it and keeps persisting though you are ignoring them, thats a different matter. I would knock that biatch out.


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## herinb (Aug 24, 2013)

My advice is, don't let other people have that power over you. It's hard to switch from having victim mentality to being empowered, but it can be done! 

If they tell you something mean, tell them to go fuck themselves, and not to mess with you. And don't worry about it anymore. If it happens again, get them back. If anyone physically assaults you, call the cops.


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## snail (Oct 13, 2008)

Most bullies grow out of acting that way. They become adults who have learned from their mistakes, or if they refuse to change, they develop a corrupt moral philosophy to justify their abusive behavior. Instead of directly calling you names, they may just express harmful ideas, such as "Sensitive people need to get thicker skin. Everyone is responsible for their own feelings no matter what happens to them. Children must be emotionally neglected and invalidated to prepare them for a harsh world. If someone commits suicide, it is because s/he has a weak character, and it is a form of natural selection. Whiners who complain about how they are treated instead of changing themselves just want attention and deserve to be miserable." These are the kinds of things bullies tell themselves so they won't have to take responsibility for how much harm they cause, and even if they have learned the tricks for seeming normal, if you get close enough to them, they will abuse you. If they express such beliefs in adulthood, it is a sign that a fear of negative social consequences is the only thing keeping them from behaving exactly how they did when you were young.

If you run into adult bullies, don't change for them. They want to have power over you. The more you continue doing what you want to do, being who you are, the less power they have. They can suck all of the fun out of the things you enjoy, so if they are openly hostile, challenge them. Express your feelings shamelessly, because you have a right to them. If they hurt you, cry so they will have to see it. If they anger you, express it. If they turn your feelings into one more thing to attack, tell them exactly why they are wrong. A person who still picks on you after s/he has made you cry is just a heartless sadist, and if an evil person dislikes you, how meaningful is that? If they refuse to listen, let other people know how this person is treating you. Get friends on your side, and challenge the bully together. If all else fails, do whatever you can to avoid him/her, even if it means finding another time and place to enjoy your hobbies. You shouldn't have to leave to avoid the bully, though, so it is better if you can drive him/her away somehow or complain to someone in a position of authority to get him/her kicked out.


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## Dao (Sep 13, 2013)

Risen from Ashes said:


> Whats the best response to a bully? If someone say, harrasses me in a zumba class or something, should I just find a new one to attend?


Tell that person to stop. Document all incidents in detail and take down witnesses' names. Report the unwanted behavior to your instructor or to gym management. Severe harassment cases may be taken to the local police.


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## TheINFJ (Apr 12, 2014)

People who bully thrive on your reaction, so it's best to react calmly. Not reacting at all is actually a terrible idea, but a calm response to someone will bore them. They will stop or move on to someone else (sadly) if they don't get a dramatic reaction.


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## herinb (Aug 24, 2013)

TheINFJ said:


> People who bully thrive on your reaction, so it's best to react calmly. Not reacting at all is actually a terrible idea, but a calm response to someone will bore them. They will stop or move on to someone else (sadly) if they don't get a dramatic reaction.


Have you really found this to work? I'm not trying to be confrontational, just interested  In my experience, people act nasty to other people because "they can", you know what I mean?


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## Zombie Devil Duckie (Apr 11, 2012)

> Whats the best response to a bully? If someone say, harrasses me in a zumba class or something














You = little person.

Them = dude in the red Gi.


(kiss on the forehead once you are done beating them.... optional)


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## jbking (Jun 4, 2010)

Risen from Ashes said:


> Whats the best response to a bully? If someone say, harrasses me in a zumba class or something, should I just find a new one to attend?


If it is someone in the class, I'd tell the instructor. If it is the instructor, I'd tell someone else that works for the gym. The world today is likely to take bullying a bit more seriously than it did years ago and you may be surprised at what happens when you speak up about it now.

It is highly unlikely that there would be a conspiracy out to get you so in letting someone else know, there may be people that will then know not to try anything with you.


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## OldManRivers (Mar 22, 2012)

herinb said:


> My advice is, don't let other people have that power over you. It's hard to switch from having victim mentality to being empowered, but it can be done!
> 
> If they tell you something mean, tell them to go fuck themselves, and not to mess with you. And don't worry about it anymore. If it happens again, get them back. If anyone physically assaults you, call the cops.


Very good post - and a restraining order also if it escalates to physical threats/harm.


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## TheINFJ (Apr 12, 2014)

herinb said:


> Have you really found this to work? I'm not trying to be confrontational, just interested  In my experience, people act nasty to other people because "they can", you know what I mean?


In my own personal experience, yes. I've met people both offline and online who thrive on gaining reactions out of others, so if that is the persons motivation they are going to stop when you're not reacting to them.


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## ANaNAs (Apr 8, 2014)

@Risen from Ashes

It's completely understandable that you're wary of going back to a place where you experienced something as traumatic as bullying. Bullying is something that may well take decades to overcome, even after the bullying has stopped. Studies have shown that bullying can cause the victims to experience symptoms similar to PTSD and I know personally many bullying victims who have struggled to go to certain places/situations that remind them of the time they were bullied, or who have trouble to talk with people who remind them of their bullies.

As I'm not more familiar with your situation, I can't really give you any good advice on how to deal with your bullies, since I don't actually know why they would bully you - I would like to emphasize the fact that their reasons for bullying have nothing to do with you, bullying is all about gaining some kind of power (be it social or something else), peer pressure and this negative social mass phenomenon that was unfortunately targeted on you. I wish that you'll remember that the bullying _wasn't your fault_ and whatever they said/did to you wasn't caused by anything you are, even though the bullies may have claimed otherwise - it's all the fault of the bullies. If they couldn't see your value as a precious human being, it's their loss, and I'm so very sorry that they put you through the hell bullying can be.


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## herinb (Aug 24, 2013)

TheINFJ said:


> In my own personal experience, yes. I've met people both offline and online who thrive on gaining reactions out of others, so if that is the persons motivation they are going to stop when you're not reacting to them.


That definitely makes sense in an online context!


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## yet another intj (Feb 10, 2013)

Risen from Ashes said:


> I'm returning to my hometown in a few months. My plan is to live there for two years or so, and to work my butt off to finally lose this weight.


Don't reduce your fat intake.



Risen from Ashes said:


> Unfortunately, I got bullied for a few years in highschool. Most of the people involved have moved on to bigger and better places, but some still live there. I've also screwed things up with a few of the friends I had in church, so I'm unsure whether I should return to the same buildings or not.


Bullies are everywhere, you just noticed some of them. You still remember "those days" vividly because of your traumatic experience. The thing is, life "happens" to everybody. You will probably surprised with their transformation. They can be unexpectedly weak and broken or even more experienced with their profession. After all, they are also clueless about your own transformation. Things have changed and there's uncertainty. Use it for your own benefit.



Risen from Ashes said:


> I think I have more common sense now and less of a target, but you can never be sure.


Fortunately, that means they can never be sure about the same thing.



Risen from Ashes said:


> Whats the best response to a bully? If someone say, harrasses me in a zumba class or something, should I just find a new one to attend?


Terrorizing them... You should learn krav maga, instead of wasting time with jumping jack parties.



Risen from Ashes said:


> I feel like I have just as much right to live there as anyone else. It's the town I grew up in, with lovely walks, a great beach, nice parks, good shopping etc. I don't want to be kept out by bullies.


Indeed... You are not a teenager anymore.



Risen from Ashes said:


> I'm afraid that some people never grow up. I don't want to be a victim once again.


Then, don't be a victim... Learn how to hurt them efficiently. Experiencing the fear of death by physical pain can make them grow up in a couple of seconds. Especially, if it's served by a potential victim.


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## PowerShell (Feb 3, 2013)

If it's been a few years, most people grew out of it. I remember some really big assholes back in high school and now they're alright and I can actually hold a conversation with them if I run into them (I still live in my hometown). Most likely, you won't have any problems.


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## ENTJudgement (Oct 6, 2013)

Risen from Ashes said:


> I'm returning to my hometown in a few months. My plan is to live there for two years or so, and to work my butt off to finally lose this weight.
> 
> Unfortunately, I got bullied for a few years in highschool. Most of the people involved have moved on to bigger and better places, but some still live there. I've also screwed things up with a few of the friends I had in church, so I'm unsure whether I should return to the same buildings or not.
> 
> ...


People bully those who differ from themselves, identify what is different between you and the others and "camouflage" into the group.

If you are an individualist then you need to fight and stand your ground to earn respect.


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