# Instinctual variants and problems in relationships



## zallla (Oct 11, 2011)

Many people know how meaningful the instinctual variants can be. There's this great new article by @_MBTI Enthusiast_, it is highly helpful for anyone interested in relationships between certain instinctual variants. It describes the challenges in relationships well but I just wonder how other people have solved these things... or have they? You?

I'm sx-dom by myself and I'd love to hear how other sx-doms have solved these issues. But I think it would be beneficial to hear things from another perspectives too so I hope others than sx-doms also reply and share 

My relationship is with someone whose sx instinct is much weaker than mine. The biggest problems arise when I would need more intimacy, just being close to him, talking, looking at him, kissing, enjoying closeness, having sex... and he's just tired or busy or something. How that infuriates me. Not one time but when there are so many. I get that people have to work and sleep but he makes me feel lonely and abandoned. When I tell him how I feel, he feels so inadequate, tries to improve but just can't. I love him very much and he keeps me more balanced too but so many times I also feel I would be happier with someone else. I wonder how to solve this or if I even should try. Sure, I've tried to talk with him but it has not been productive. He says he wants the physical and mental closeness with me too but that's just not happening as much as I'd love to. According to the article, we should try to find balance, me being satisfied with less and he trying more. Is it really possible to do that?

Another problem area is socializing and social issues. His social instinct is so strong, mine is much weaker. He doesn't like the consequences but wishes I was more sociable and could relate more to other people or even cared about such a thing. He finds me not wanting to be like most others only annoying and says it would be nice if I was more fashionable and popular and not so individual. Once he even said that at times he's a little ashamed because of me. All that hurt me very much, clearly he doesn't accept me as who I am. Once, in the beginning of our relationship, I changed for him, nowadays I don't want anymore. I don't want to make him unhappy but he's very careful and precise himself not wanting to stand out at all. Whenever I wear something even slightly unusual (things like purple tights are just enough), he doesn't like it, expresses it and it hurts so much. What should be done? He should be more accepting, what should I do? I do not want to be something I'm not 


Btw, just in case someone hasn't yet realized it, it's a huge and _extremely_ annoying misconception that sx-doms would be the happiest people in relationships. It could be quite the contrary, it takes so much to make and keep us satisfied. And I except especially other sx-doms to know I do not mean sexually but generally satisfied.


----------



## knittigan (Sep 2, 2011)

I'm quite fortunate in that my two most important relationships are with sp/sx variants. Being terribly, terribly sx myself, I can't imagine being with someone who didn't understand and appreciate that part of me. There have been times when I have felt neglected and hurt by them, but generally speaking, whenever I have made a point of telling them how I feel, they have taken me seriously and changed their behaviour ever so slightly to give me what I need. I'm an introvert, so it really isn't that I need a lot of attention, I just need a specific kind and then I'm good. It also really helps that they're both NFs and they understand that when I'm saying, "I miss you, do you think that we could spend some time together?" it's really quite significant for me because I very rarely ask for things of that nature and they classify my request accordingly.


----------



## zallla (Oct 11, 2011)

@knittigan, sounds great, I'm really happy for you  I wish I had known about these earlier... My current relationship started really well, we became very close very fast, he was my best friend ever (actually, he still is) after very little time together. We wanted to be with each other very much, wanted to know each other completely, could talk about anything, would spend ages just close to each other and that was all we needed. The problem is, he changed eventually. I once asked about it and he said that that's what happens in relationships, the falling in love part won't last forever. It broke my heart.


----------



## Asd456 (Jul 25, 2017)

Sewcialist said:


> Many people know how meaningful the instinctual variants can be. There's this great new article by @_MBTI Enthusiast_, it is highly helpful for anyone interested in relationships between certain instinctual variants. It describes the challenges in relationships well but I just wonder how other people have solved these things... or have they? You?
> 
> I'm sx-dom by myself and I'd love to hear how other sx-doms have solved these issues. But I think it would be beneficial to hear things from another perspectives too so I hope others than sx-doms also reply and share
> 
> ...


I think the article is misleading as it only considers the first instinct. For example, I'm Sx/Sp, and I have trouble connecting with my sister, Sp/So. However, this is not true for Sp/Sx. My sister doesn't value intimacy. She can treat her friends like crap, and it doesn't bother her because she doesn't care about establishing a deeper bond with people. I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone that's Sp/So.



> Btw, just in case someone hasn't yet realized it, it's a huge and extremely annoying misconception that sx-doms would be the happiest people in relationships. It could be quite the contrary, it takes so much to make and keep us satisfied. And I except especially other sx-doms to know I do not mean sexually but generally satisfied.


This is true. It's stupid to associate Sx with the superficial need of wanting a relationship just because you know, why not and sex. In fact, it's the opposite because I have these unrealistic, idealistic standards of what I'm looking for. I'm constantly looking for a deeper meaning, even when there isn't any. This drive to find an intense connection to feel satisfied and fulfilled is a burden.


----------



## enneathusiast (Dec 15, 2012)

Sewcialist said:


> He should be more accepting, what should I do? I do not want to be something I'm not


Sounds like you're expecting him to be more SX for you but you're not wanting to be more SO for him. I bet he doesn't want to be something he's not either (i.e., SX). He may feel about SX like you feel about SO.

I've found that SX has the greatest difficulty with intimate relationship because what they're looking for is expected to be found in the relationship itself while SP and SO can find what they're looking for outside the relationship. SX seems to look for everything in one place (the significant other). That's a lot of pressure to put on another person and most people (especially those not SX-first) tend to pull back from that pressure. You may try to lighten up on the pressure and look for some of what you need outside the relationship (I'm not talking about physical intimacy but a bonding with others based on interests, conversation, and such). You may or may not find it, but what's useful is to tease out the different elements of the SX need so you're not stuck looking to only one person to satisfy it. Otherwise you'll probably continue to see a lack in the relationship and wonder if there's someone else you should be with instead (that's always another choice to pursue as well).


----------

