# INTP Child / ENFJ Parent



## AphexTwin (Apr 7, 2015)

I hadn't found any threads on this specific issue and personality clashing, but I thought it important to discuss in case any other INTP's had similar experiences in regards to an emotionally exploitative ENFJ mother/father?

My mother is an ENFJ, and I really do love her. She's funny, thoughtful, always tells me she loves me and hugs me a lot. I have some really fantastic memories with my mum, sometimes we might go through periods where we genuinely delight in each others company, but in saying that, there's a lot behind the scenes crap that she dismisses even happened.

It's the personal unnecessary attacks, CONSTANT guilt trips/passive aggression, always calling me a disappointing shit and a hassle, basically a human hovercraft always wanting to know what I'm up to because quiet = suspicious, never interested in my opinions/interests, made fun of my weight in high school and put me on diets, compares me to other girls, slamming doors in my face, leaving me locked outside when I arrived home 10 minutes past curfew, never let me go to sleepovers or have birthday parties, etc etc. I really was just this slightly overweight, nerd who didn't want any trouble. 

Another thing that amazes me is that both of my siblings are both feelers, and aren't nearly as distressed by her? If I'm ever a dick to someone, I usually don't even realize I'm being a dick. I'm probably just being honest haha. But a feeler will be a fucking dick shit to people just because they can and they know better. Inbetween kicking a few cats.

Generally I'm not so sensitive, as usually peoples comments are just water off a ducks back for me. But this is just on a whole different plane. I literally cringe every time I do the absolute slightest thing wrong because I know there's this impending dark cloud waiting to emotionally take a dump on me. She screams anytime I even eat something that I didn't know was hers. 

Haha can you tell I'm not bitter? Ah well. If any other INTP's relate or if any other types can offer any additional insights, that'd be cool too. Free therapy, God bless the internet.


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## Retsu (Aug 12, 2011)

Unrelated to type. She just sounds like she's made you a scapegoat. Sounds like a narcissist. 

I'm sorry you have to go through that. There isn't much you can do apart from hanging around here and maybe venting, which you've already done.

Just do it some more.  Have a look at all the type forums. They're all pretty decent. Especially the ENFJ forum. There are some nice ENFJs on here so maybe it'll help you in dealing with them.


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## themonocle (Feb 18, 2013)

Everyone is NOT a narcissist. It sounds like you need to learn some healthier coping mechanisms. And she may be trying to teach you something that you aren't picking up on. Fe-Se lessons might be tough for you. Just a thought. Mom's do have the responsibility to set limits. Too much time with books makes a girl fall into bad habits. Good habits are important to start early. If you don't take care of your body, your brain won't work at it's most optimal level. Sounds like she may know something.

Eat right. Study nutrition. Look at some books on self-care. It won't hurt. I promise.

Oh, and a hint for nfjs. An NFJ isn't going to listen just because you made a logical statement, because they are interested in morality. You can be logical and immoral. Or illogical and moral. Or logical and moral. They want to see you taking responsibility for respecting others and yourself. My mom was ENFJ too. They don't pop off very often, but when they do... Frankly, you deserve it. Well, I did anyway.


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## Retsu (Aug 12, 2011)

themonocle said:


> Everyone is NOT a narcissist. It sounds like you need to learn some healthier coping mechanisms. And she may be trying to teach you something that you aren't picking up on. Fe-Se lessons might be tough for you. Just a thought. Mom's do have the responsibility to set limits. Too much time with books makes a girl fall into bad habits. Good habits are important to start early. If you don't take care of your body, your brain won't work at it's most optimal level. Sounds like she may know something.
> 
> Eat right. Study nutrition. Look at some books on self-care. It won't hurt. I promise.
> 
> Oh, and a hint for nfjs. An NFJ isn't going to listen just because you made a logical statement, because they are interested in morality. You can be logical and immoral. Or illogical and moral. Or logical and moral. They want to see you taking responsibility for respecting others and yourself. My mom was ENFJ too. They don't pop off very often, but when they do... Frankly, you deserve it. Well, I did anyway.


The diet thing is fair enough, I missed that.

But do you really think its normal behaviour to lock a child outside because they were ten minutes late? And then to not treat her other kids the same way? 

Point being OP has had a shitty time and you're saying the abuse is justified because of their weight. There are healthy ways to get into good habits rather than verbal abuse and constant derision.


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## themonocle (Feb 18, 2013)

Lots of assumptions there. As a mother of two grown boys... How many times has the person been 10 minutes late? How important was it that they get there on time? Is being outside for a couple of hours really abuse in your book? No. It's sounds like someone is upset. And I don't have all the information. 

First, you need to calm emotions before you can get details of or for a bigger picture.


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## Kalafea (Sep 29, 2020)

I really pray to god that one day you lock your child outside for a few hours only to find them as a sex slave many years later lol

I really do hope that and I wish I could see your face when you realise they are missing


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## Zeri (Jan 23, 2018)

Uhmmm....wow.. It almost sounded like two different persons when you described her - especially the part about "she always hugs me and tells me she loves me"...then " she always calls me a disappointing little shit and a hassle"(paraphrasing)...wow..... .that's almost like swinging from one end to the next, emotionally - not to mention the effect it probably has on you. (Those two parental behaviours you described just don't go together in a healthy way).As a parent, insulting/'putting down' your children isn't a good thing to do and can leave your children with so many scars or decrease their already fragile self esteem. Some of the things she does sound very toxic. Enfjs are known to be affectionate/loving types overall....but she sounds like an unhealthy one with some personal issues/anger that she may be projecting onto you, unfortunately (like making fun of your weight, screaming at you for eating something...). That's not cool. Sorry you're dealing with this. Does she treat your siblings the same way?


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## Phil (Dec 27, 2010)

Kalafea said:


> I really pray to god that one day you lock your child outside for a few hours only to find them as a sex slave many years later lol
> 
> I really do hope that and I wish I could see your face when you realise they are missing


Why in the fuck would you ever wish a child to become a sex slave? Please elaborate on your lack of humanity.

Also, this thread is 5 years old guys.


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## dulcinea (Aug 22, 2011)

Phil said:


> Why in the fuck would you ever wish a child to become a sex slave? Please elaborate on your lack of humanity.
> 
> Also, this thread is 5 years old guys.


I think they were being sarcastic, because there isn't any excuse to lock your child out of their own home, especially if it's only for repeat curfew breaking. That strikes me as an abusive tendency, personally.


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## Phil (Dec 27, 2010)

dulcinea said:


> I think they were being sarcastic, because there isn't any excuse to lock your child out of their own home, especially if it's only for repeat curfew breaking. That strikes me as an abusive tendency, personally.


Why be sarcastic about something so excruciatingly depressive though. There's children out there being raped as we speak.


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## dulcinea (Aug 22, 2011)

AphexTwin said:


> I hadn't found any threads on this specific issue and personality clashing, but I thought it important to discuss in case any other INTP's had similar experiences in regards to an emotionally exploitative ENFJ mother/father?
> 
> My mother is an ENFJ, and I really do love her. She's funny, thoughtful, always tells me she loves me and hugs me a lot. I have some really fantastic memories with my mum, sometimes we might go through periods where we genuinely delight in each others company, but in saying that, there's a lot behind the scenes crap that she dismisses even happened.
> 
> It's the personal unnecessary attacks, CONSTANT guilt trips/passive aggression, always calling me a disappointing shit and a hassle, basically a human hovercraft always wanting to know what I'm up to because quiet = suspicious, never interested in my opinions/interests, made fun of my weight in high school and put me on diets, compares me to other girls, slamming doors in my face, leaving me locked outside when I arrived home 10 minutes past curfew, never let me go to sleepovers or have birthday parties, etc etc. I really was just this slightly overweight, nerd who didn't want any trouble.


Not an INTP, but I've struggled with a mom who can be emotionally manipulative. These are not normal ENFJ or Fe tendencies. It sounds like a lot of emotional immaturity. My mom has similar tendencies. The problem with immature parents, is parents believe they're always right by default, because...parents. My mom's tendencies aren't exactly as you describe, but can be summed up by: if she doesn't get her way, she sulks and makes little manipulative statements like "you don't care..." because I didn't do the little thing she expected me to. 
I mean for me, it was more about: she wants attention and feedback, but she doesn't want honest feedback if it's negative. If I say anything honest that's remotely negative she guilt trips me with "How do you think that makes me feel?"
Generally, when I want to expound, correct or expand someone's understanding of a given topic, I don't think feelings are relevant, as I think such information can be immensely helpful so that they don't spread information that's not entirely accurate, or is incredibly biased. But, all that matters to her is that I give feedback that makes her feel good, so in order to keep the peace, I've learned to keep a lot to myself. Rational arguments do not work with her. I generally disagree by looking for things to agree, and correct by sandwiching correction with praise. 
The fat shaming, comparing with other people, and locking you out for petty reasons, are legitimately hurtful tendencies. 
If you call her out directly, she'll likely end up just pointing the finger at you as to why you do things that make her like this in order to absolve herself of some of the responsibility.
I can't really give any actual advice, since I think your situation is a bit nuanced.


> Another thing that amazes me is that both of my siblings are both feelers, and aren't nearly as distressed by her? If I'm ever a dick to someone, I usually don't even realize I'm being a dick. I'm probably just being honest haha. But a feeler will be a fucking dick shit to people just because they can and they know better. Inbetween kicking a few cats.


It's probably more because they know how to say the things that appease her. 
I would argue that not all feelers necessarily realize when they're being horrible to people either, or maybe, some have toxic tendency in which they want to be horrible to "punish" someone as a sort of impulse when someone makes them feel bad. The "you made me feel bad so I'm going to make feel bad so you feel bad for making me feel bad" response. Habitually being like this is generally indicative of emotional immaturity and is generally the result of not being taught how to express negative feelings in a mature and appropriate way.


> Generally I'm not so sensitive, as usually peoples comments are just water off a ducks back for me. But this is just on a whole different plane. I literally cringe every time I do the absolute slightest thing wrong because I know there's this impending dark cloud waiting to emotionally take a dump on me. She screams anytime I even eat something that I didn't know was hers.
> 
> Haha can you tell I'm not bitter? Ah well. If any other INTP's relate or if any other types can offer any additional insights, that'd be cool too. Free therapy, God bless the internet.


My mom too has tendencies that have made me mistake-phobic. Mistakes are just unacceptable. It's a very unhealthy environment to live in. It's going to take a long time to be able to access more realistically what is an acceptable mistake and what is an unacceptable behavior. She seems to have my mom's general tendency of putting her personal feelings and feeling or appearance or moral rightness ahead of all other priorities. It takes a long time to learn how to deal with that.
Also, few people no matter how detached can really detach themselves from their parents' evaluation of them. It's generally where we learn our own sense of self value as a person.


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## dulcinea (Aug 22, 2011)

Phil said:


> Why be sarcastic about something so excruciatingly depressive though. There's children out there being raped as we speak.


Possibly out of anger I suppose: to bring home a point in a provocative way.


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## dulcinea (Aug 22, 2011)

themonocle said:


> Lots of assumptions there. As a mother of two grown boys... How many times has the person been 10 minutes late? How important was it that they get there on time? Is being outside for a couple of hours really abuse in your book? No. It's sounds like someone is upset. And I don't have all the information.
> 
> First, you need to calm emotions before you can get details of or for a bigger picture.


I think the only relevant question here is: did they break a major law and are being pursued by the cops? Because that's the only situation I can see in which it would remotely excusable for a parent to lock a child out of their own home!!
I get wanting to punish a child, but there are much better ways to punish a child than to leave them exposed to the elements and dangers associated with being locked outside.


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