# What do i do about this situation with someone harassing my crush ?



## xraydav (Jan 3, 2013)

There's a girl I have a crush on who I'm fairly certain likes me back because she said something like that.

My dad is her boss and so am i in a way. We needed to lift her down from a window which was a gap to jump from and he scolded me for trying to help her get down and he grabbed her by the hips and pulled her down.She smiled, as he pulled her down. Which was unnecessary. (Personally we dont care about the rules in relations to dating coworkers, it has happened before and we dont care)

There was another instance where he grabbed her hips to put her into a water tank to fix it .

There was a rumour that they were sleeping together and at times have disappeared together on occasion.

Like he would ask her and make a reference to his eggplant, and say thank you for the eggplant, because she sometimes helps cook and clean around the house, and then jokes and say no it was my stomach saying "thank you". Her initial reaction was "eww" out loud.

Anyway, she smiles at creeps who catcall or when they eye her, and later she talks about how much she hates that person.

When we were at the clothing store, dad grabbed her button just above the chest, she smiled and didn't seem taken back by it and later she walked off, he grabbed a coat hanger pretended to scold her with it and playfully halfway smacked her on the backside with it and looked at me and smiled. I didn't necessarily say anything because it was awkward.

I told her I didn't like all this about the water tank hip grabbing situation and that I should tell her mum and she said dont because it causes too much drama.

and she ended up sitting in the front seat with my dad, in the van on a journey to see someone when me and my mum went in the jeep and it was super suspicious. They specifically try to avoid putting a girl in the front seat especially with me because it makes us look like we're married.

Anyway, I told her parents, her mum threatened to keep her at home over this , and my mum scolded me over telling her mum that.

We visited them (her family) recently and it wasnt bad and it didnt come up

I have so many questions which is why i started a thread again...

This is worse because I may leave 300km (and she is apparently coming once a month there too); her for university, me for a job. Should I cancel those plans to stay and occasionally date her 300km away? (We're leaving to the same city)

Do you think my parents will separate over this? They always talk about divorce and are constantly arguing.

Do you think I should tell her I didnt like her sitting in the front seat and she needs to do something or that i will?

Do you think her parents will sue my dad for sexual harassment?

would I still be able to date her if they sued her over this? (Which almost seems inevitable at this point)


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## Allostasis (Feb 2, 2021)

So many ridiculous moments in the post so that I am not even sure if it occurred in reality in the first place.
You don't have any chances with her in any case.



> Should tell her I didnt like her sitting in the front seat and she needs to do something or that i will?


And who are you to tell where she should sit.

I suggest you to grow up and not get into situations where you are scolded by your own mother in 26 years old.
The way you handle all of this is extremely stupid and pathetic.


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## ENTJudgement (Oct 6, 2013)

xraydav said:


> There's a girl I have a crush on who I'm fairly certain likes me back because she said something like that.
> 
> My dad is her boss and so am i in a way. We needed to lift her down from a window which was a gap to jump from and he scolded me for trying to help her get down and he grabbed her by the hips and pulled her down.She smiled, as he pulled her down. Which was unnecessary. (Personally we dont care about the rules in relations to dating coworkers, it has happened before and we dont care)
> 
> ...


I personally think you shouldn't be ratting out your dad unless he actually sexually assaulted her i.e raped her coz all you're gonna end up with is pissing everyone off and getting nothing out of it. 

Plus you only have 1 dad and if I was ur dad I'd never trust u again if you ratted me out. 

I'd expect you to discuss your opinions of the matter with me and at least give me a warning before just straight up just ratting.


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## dulcinea (Aug 22, 2011)

I hope you don't get offended if I say this sounds like the premise of a Wes Anderson movie.

Otherwise, it sounds like a messed up situation, and I have no idea what you should do. These are adults making stupid choices if he's sleeping around with your crush while still married, but it's their choices to make, unfortunately.


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## xraydav (Jan 3, 2013)

Allostasis said:


> So many ridiculous moments in the post so that I am not even sure if it occurred in reality in the first place.
> You don't have any chances with her in any case.
> 
> And who are you to tell where she should sit.
> ...


You're also getting close to a permaban, for those insults. Especially from someone who is telling me to "grow up"

I'm pretty much her boss, her housemate and her best friend, so I can tell her where she can sit. Lol you're not making sense at all and clearly didnt read what I wrote in the OP.

She was riding shotgun with a married man, with her wife in a preceding car. There is something wrong with that obviously.

That statement you made is not agreed on by anyone I know in and out of the western world.

And trust me, she is loving it and I've never had better chances, so you were wrong there as well. Who are you to tell me who i can and cannot associate with?

Maybe you should have not posted . I didn't like a single sentence you wrote.


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## Electra (Oct 24, 2014)

I think you should break up because this jealousy isn't doing neighter you any good.
Can you imagen going on like that for like; 60 more years?


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## xraydav (Jan 3, 2013)

@ENTJudgement

Tbh , if you're ratting out someone who did something wrong that's not a problem, that's what they deserved in the first place for what they did.

I think and believe that anyone should report sexual harassment in a workplace, especially if it's for a family member. That makes the wrong ten times worse, for the other family member who had to witness all of it.

Also sexual assault isnt just rape it also extends to unwanted touching and groping, etc. Anyway I was talking about sexual harassment in the workplace, and there are laws against that. 

"pissing everyone off" is exactly what would happen if I tell my dad about his sexual harassment in the workplace lol that's like the worst thing I could do in this situation and would make everything ten times worse than it is.

He has ratted me out plenty of times, I'm ratting him out once when he did something that was genuinely disturbing as a married man.


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## xraydav (Jan 3, 2013)

dulcinea said:


> I hope you don't get offended if I say this sounds like the premise of a Wes Anderson movie.
> 
> Otherwise, it sounds like a messed up situation, and I have no idea what you should do. These are adults making stupid choices if he's sleeping around with your crush while still married, but it's their choices to make, unfortunately.


But if the choice is infidelity, it really IS NOT their choice to make

I cant believe what I'm hearing . Do you seriously believe that married men should coalesce with whoever they like and go back home and kiss their wives good night?

That's definitely not a choice to make

Anyway I know in certain societies, people take that wrong so seriously they kill and stone the person cheating

I'm just trying to figure out what steps to take from here


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## xraydav (Jan 3, 2013)

Electra said:


> I think you should break up because this jealousy isn't doing neighter you any good.
> Can you imagen going on like that for like; 60 more years?


Break up with who? I'm not together with this girl yet, we're like best friends. And leaving her was not on the table

If it goes on for 60 years, we would have figured it out and everything from I think just 10 years would be optimal for both of us. We would have solved everything in a few years. So yeah and no, it doesnt seem that bad.


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## dulcinea (Aug 22, 2011)

xraydav said:


> But if the choice is infidelity, it really IS NOT their choice to make
> 
> I cant believe what I'm hearing . Do you seriously believe that married men should coalesce with whoever they like and go back home and kiss their wives good night?
> 
> ...


I agree in a sense.
It's certainly a wrong choice.
It's incredibly messed up.
It's a horrible position to put one's child in certainly.
I wish I had some useful advice as to how to approach this kind of situation.
It's not a natural thing to have to endure.


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## Electra (Oct 24, 2014)

xraydav said:


> Break up with who? I'm not together with this girl yet, we're like best friends. And leaving her was not on the table
> 
> If it goes on for 60 years, we would have figured it out and everything from I think just 10 years would be optimal for both of us. We would have solved everything in a few years. So yeah and no, it doesnt seem that bad.


I read the story again because I was in a bit of a hurry last time and if I were you I walk talk to your dad about it and if he doesn't respect you I would treathen to not wisit him anymore because you can't treat an employee like that. Just imagen if she was a guy and he had treated a guy like that. Would it be acceptable? No way! Its offensive. Maybe you could just ask him exactly that; "would you have done that to a male employee? No? Then why are you doing it to a female?"


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## xraydav (Jan 3, 2013)

Electra said:


> I read the story again because I was in a bit of a hurry last time and if I were you I walk talk to your dad about it and if he doesn't respect you I would treathen to not wisit him anymore because you can't treat an employee like that. Just imagen if she was a guy and he had treated a guy like that. Would it be acceptable? No way! Its offensive. Maybe you could just ask him exactly that; "would you have done that to a male employee? No? Then why are you doing it to a female?"


That is such an eye opener even a male employee would find it disturbing to an extent. Not the riding shotgun part but the other parts.
Like he would be like why are you touching my hips dude , just grab by arm lol


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## lecomte (May 20, 2014)

Is she reciprocate what your dad does?
Were you in love for her in the first place?
And what it makes you feel towards your dad?


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## Allostasis (Feb 2, 2021)

@xraydav 


> You're also getting close to a permaban, for those insults. Especially from someone who is telling me to "grow up"


You are basically insulted yourself as I just used what you wrote. 



> I'm pretty much her boss, her housemate and her best friend, so I can tell her where she can sit.


You can't even talk to your own dad.
If you care so much about her then wtf are you waiting for, why are you complaining to her mom instead of talking to the direct source of harassment of your friend?
I read your OP, you said "I think she likes me because she said something like that", which means that you are not dating, she is not obliged to be "loyal" to you or anything in that way.

And no, you can't tell her what to do and where to sit unless it is somehow related to her direct job responsibilities with respect to which you are an authority.
Otherwise, you have the potential to be the same source of harassment if not worse.

And from her behavior, it isn't clear if it is indeed harassing or she actually likes it.



> That statement you made is not agreed on by anyone I know in and out of the western world.


I can't care less.



> Who are you to tell me who i can and cannot associate with?


If you are asking for an opinion, be goddamn prepared to receive it. 



> Maybe you should have not posted . I didn't like a single sentence you wrote.


The purpose of expressing opinions is not in pleasing someone. I don't give a damn about what you like.


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## Dezir (Nov 25, 2013)

xraydav said:


> There's a girl I have a crush on who I'm fairly certain likes me back because she said something like that.
> 
> My dad is her boss and so am i in a way. We needed to lift her down from a window which was a gap to jump from and he scolded me for trying to help her get down and he grabbed her by the hips and pulled her down.She smiled, as he pulled her down. Which was unnecessary. (Personally we dont care about the rules in relations to dating coworkers, it has happened before and we dont care)
> 
> ...


"And at times have disappeared together on occasion", I'm not saying this is is the case, but I'm saying this is not impossible either. That is by no means a confirmation, but it is one piece of evidence leading in that direction.

Well, I have as many questions as you have.

Your dad, looks like his flitring with her, and she seems to like it, smiles and approval, all that. But on the other hand, you said she smiles to people but then says how she hates them, so you can't be sure. She may act one way and think completely the opposite.

There's also the "I need this job" so she may accept some inapproapiate things for her job.

Look, telling her parents was not okay.

Stop trying to boss her around, telling her where to sit, what to do, it's her decisions. You're not her dad. And the fact that you didn't like it it's irrelevant. You are not her boyfriend, and even if you were, it's just a place to sit, not a big deal.

If you like her, I think first you got to talk to her personally 1 on 1 without being bossy about this your dad - her situation and get her opinion/perspective on this. Then, if you want, you can actually ask her for a date, for if you do nothing, nothing will happen, simple as that.

To get her to talk to you about this, you need to gain her trust. And you don't give trust to anyone, only to the people closest to you that you know that you can trust. People who we trust have to prove that we can trust them in the first place, we need to be sure they won't spoil the secret or break the trust. She needs to get to a place where she can trust you with her feelings. Probably, you need to show her that she is being understood at the core of who she is.

Show her kindness and desire to help her and she may begin to trust you. Make her understand that you will be there for her. Showing that you're being someone she can rely and count on. When she will trust you, she will open up by herself without you pushing her to open up and you can talk to her about her insecurities.

If you want trust, so she can talk to you about her insecurities, you got to be someone nurtruing who knows how to keep a secret.

You can also share a secret to make her trust you more. Sharing a secret shows her that you trust her. If you trust her, this will make her more likey to trust you.

People look at the character of the other person when they decide whether to trust them or not. So far, you told her parents, which probably broke her confidence in you. So you have a lot of catching up to do.

Greet her as if you were greeting an old friend you hadn't seen in a while. Smile deeply. A great smile is remembered. Talk slowly, being a fast talker has negative connotations, people respond better to someone who talks slowly and deliberately. Exude calmness and be measure in your speech. Don't talk or feel rushed.

Find commonality. Mentally, people are looking to check a box that they can make some sort of affiliation with you, however distant. Find any sort of commonality, shared interests and common connection. For example: ", “I see you went to school in New England”, “you also know Joe", “yes, Joe's a great guy. I went to school with him. How do you know him?”, it goes a long ways in terms of building trust.

Listen as if she was the only person in the room and make her feel that way. Look her in the eyes. Show her that you're listening by focusing on what she's saying. Don't interrupt her or finish her sentences. When she finishs saying something, wait a second before responding. This indicates you've really listened and you're taking it in.

Validate them, this most often comes in the form of agreeing with them. When people sense disagreement they put up barriers, reinforce their reasoning, and create distance. This principal is called “Yes, and ... ” it's how you build on a story and create spontaneity and consensus.

Look back on the encounter and think of what made you feel that way. Chances are what you really felt was validated and listened to.

Become a good listener, ask more questions, suspend your ego, be authentic, admit you are not perfect, don't be pushy, adjust to almost any situation, don't be judgemental, copy body language, tell a secret.

Expect good things, people treat others consistent with their expectations, and, therefore, cause the person to behave in a way that confirms such expectations. If you think someone is an asshole, you'll act toward him or her in a way that will produce “asshole” behavior. On the other hand, if you expect someone to be friendly toward you, they are likely to behave in a friendly fashion because of your ingratiating actions.

Then you can understand her situation. And then you can ask her for a date. Sitting around and never asking for a date isn't going to change the situation. If you never do, it will never happen. And judging from your story, it's unlikely you'll ever understand the full scope of the situation, even if she tells you her side of the story.


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## Lunacik (Apr 19, 2014)

Tbh at this point you just come off as desperate and sad. Back off of her. She's a grown woman and by now she can handle herself. I promise you this is far from the first situation she's dealt with from men.

If you don't give it up because she's not that into you, at least give it up out of self-respect...don't simp, man...women don't like simps anyway, they lose respect for you when you don't respect yourself. The only women who go for simps are the ones who appreciate their stupidity for how usable they are.

There are literally women who make a career out of men acting how you're acting. You're making your heartstrings way too "tuggable."

I'm not sure how else to say this, but I feel like you need someone to tell you like it is and just tell you that you need to toughen up and back off of this woman and develop enough self-respect to not end up in a situation like this again...before you get yourself into a world of mess that's much more painful than those words.


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

The story reads like the perfect storm for unnecessary drama of the caliber that blows up lives. With this in mind, if at all possible, can you compartmentalize your emotions and focus on work? From a work perspective, I'd take your father to one side and have a professional to professional talk with him.


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## MisterYellowFace (Jan 22, 2021)

Swoop in and save her bro. She'll love it. Get the guy to stop. Face him up. She'll dig that.


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## SirCanSir (Mar 21, 2018)

> There's a girl I have a crush on who I'm fairly certain likes me back because she said something like that.


I just read your post and i have no idea how you are certain about it. She seems to be enjoying your dad's company unless she is just really passive and trying to keep her job, in which case you could just ask her if she is uncomfortable instead of threatening to tell her mom as if she is 5 years old. 

And as many people already mentioned, why exactly are you not confronting your dad about it. The marriage of your parents is at stake because of a girl you have a crush on, you are involved enough to confront your father if he is being irresponsible like that. 

Its ultimately his choice to make but at least you deserve to know his intentions since its something that affects your life. 

How can you even think of threatening both her and him using the law or social judgement before you even try that?


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## ENTJudgement (Oct 6, 2013)

xraydav said:


> @ENTJudgement
> 
> Tbh , if you're ratting out someone who did something wrong that's not a problem, that's what they deserved in the first place for what they did.
> 
> ...


Thank God I don't have you as a son Jesus, doesn't even have the decency to talk to me before ratting. I would never rat out family and if they did something that made me resent them I'd rather tell them that I'm leaving if you don't correct your wrong than to rat, snitches get stiches for a reason.


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