# Fe Vs. Fi and Love <3



## MrShatter (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi guys. Recently, I have noticed a trend among my friends. It is strange, and I have yet to find a counter example, so I would like to present this strange observation to you and get your feedback.

I've noticed in relationships that an Fi user tends to feel that the love between two partners is mutual, and an Fe user tends to feel like he or she loves his/her partner more than the partner loves the Fe user.

Fe - "I feel like I love my partner more than he or she loves me"
Fi - "I feel like the love is mutual"

Thoughts?

*Please keep in mind that my demographic in real life is teenagers - so it's probably not _mature_ love, or love that is as mature as long-time married couples.
*Also try to think of a general time period - instead of moments of insecurity.


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## etherealuntouaswithin (Dec 7, 2010)

Im not sure about that.

I like to appreciate and shower affection on my love..in a psuedo Fe like manner,and can often feel like ma patna's not reciprocating.('specially if she's the silent or leveled type..not as excited or animated)

Sometimes though,and certainly after a while,I can be oblivious to the condition of the relationship.Believing that all is well and together..only to be smacked by a ton of bricks when i find that it very much isn't.

Im aux Fi,Dom Se.


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## erasinglines (Sep 1, 2010)

That's a very interesting point. I hadn't thought about it in those terms, but if that's the case it could possibly explain a lot of the differences in opinion I've had with people I've known. In fact, just recently I've had a similar discussion with one of my close friends.

I had thought that love, when it is present in relationships, is a mutual and balanced ebb and flow of give and take that flows so fluidly that the nature of it is omnipresent and unquestionable. If there is more give than take, eventually the cycle will come back around and things will balance things out. And each partner expresses their love in their own way, so many times when people cannot recognize the contexts of the expression, they may miss it, but it doesn't make the love any less present. However, when there is something wrong with the relationship, the nature of love becomes different, and the balance may be shaken, disrupting the presence.

My friend (who prefers Fe), on the other hand, responded that this was an ideal sort of love, rather than real-world love. In reality, love is more one sided where one person loves the other. (I wish I could expand further on it, but my friend didn't really elaborate much.)

I apologize for not taking part in the poll just yet. I'm in the process of figuring out my own type still. I know I generally prefer F, but whether or not it's Fe or Fi, I'm not certain. If my preferences were Fi, then this interaction certainly makes when compared with your observations.


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## unico (Feb 3, 2011)

I answered based on my relationship with my significant other. In our first relationship I felt I loved him more, but after breaking up and seeing each other again I thought he loved me more (I was still stuck on someone else). Eventually I overcame my feelings for the other person and loved my significant other equally, I think. However, I value friendship very much and I always feel I love my friends more than they love me. And the person I had a relationship with when my current SO and I were apart never loved me as much as I loved him. I'm quite sure of that....

I'm an INFJ, by the way.


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## em89075 (Jun 22, 2011)

> And each partner expresses their love in their own way, so many times when people cannot recognize the contexts of the expression, they may miss it, but it doesn't make the love any less present.


I like this and agree with it!



> I've noticed in relationships that an Fi user tends to feel that the love between two partners is mutual, and an Fe user tends to feel like he or she loves his/her partner more than the partner loves the Fe user.


Sometimes I like to think that, however I would like to hypothesize that extroverts and introverts express their feelings in different ways. I understand that how one expresses oneself is obviously dependent on each individual function, not just if they're Fi or Fe. Pardon me if I'm speaking too quickly, as I am still learning about each individual function, but doesn't this idea deserve some merit?


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## MrShatter (Sep 28, 2010)

em89075 said:


> I would like to hypothesize that extroverts and introverts express their feelings in different ways.


I completely agree,



em89075 said:


> I understand that how one expresses oneself is obviously dependent on each individual function, not just if they're Fi or Fe.


Not really sure what you're trying to say here, could you re-word it?


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## MissJordan (Dec 21, 2010)

Well, since each person's definition of 'love' differs:

I'd say it's impossible to say for certain you "love someone more".


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## ukinfj (Apr 15, 2011)

Hm, I'm an Fe user and generally I don't doubt my partner's love, apart from in moments of insecurity like you say. Something that seems to be a trend among INFJs is the ability to leave partners. This does not mean that we are not very upset if we are left, though, and love can cloud your judgement and make you stay in a relationship longer than you should.

I tend to know what I'll do if I split up with my partner and sometimes this is because I assume they'll find someone better. But this isn't really about whether or not they love me. I consider them to love me equally or more than I love them, but if I'm feeling bad about myself I tend to see this love as misguided and assume they'll snap out of it at some point. So even when I'm insecure, I don't see me as loving others more than they love me. When I was younger, particularly in my late teens, I put my partners on a pedestal, which did lead to some feelings of loving them intensely and thinking they could not possibly love me as much. But nowadays, I tend to see things in a very realistic, down to earth way and don't expect relationships to last but hope they will. I am far more comfortable in non-"magical" relationships nowadays and tend to look for comfort and stability, which I think changes the dynamic. I don't really invest as much of myself in relationships and feel more independent than I did before. That's not to say that I don't consider my relationship with my partner to be very special, though. Interesting thought.


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## Narrator (Oct 11, 2009)

MissJordan said:


> Well, since each person's definition of 'love' differs:
> 
> I'd say it's impossible to say for certain you "love someone more".


I interpret the question as one concerning perspective, though I think I agreee with your point in essence.

I've never been in a relationship, so I'll go about this in a roundabout sort of way.
You might say strong Fe users give more obvious signs of affection, and so might value a more obvious 'exchange' - communication, dynamics - or appriciate something similar to their way of communicating, however, Fe dominance probably leads to them observing and understanding the partners way of communicating. Derp, this is a guess from observation.

The most succesful, healthy relationships I've seen are between playful males (generally ENFJs) and more introverted, fairly direct, slightly hard to type females, possibly SJ. Communication in them seems good.

An INFJ friend has commented that she - I forget the exact wording - in essence wouldn't make such big gestures. 
I believe I use Fe (Auxillary or Inferior) and I find communication with people I have feelings for can get convoluted on my part. A sense of attraction leads to me feeling convoluted inside. 

As for how much people feel they care for each other, I know I would always be doubting the other persons affections, and my interpretation of them due to paranoia. When more stable, I don't think I could ever consider our love to be the same, firstly because I can never know; what I see and what I believe I see is only an interpretation. What another intends might also be judged differently - differing values. People are different worlds, I don't think you can ever truly know someone. - Thinking of the rules of attractions (Brett Easton Elis) here - I consider the question to be unanswerable, unless it's a question of perspective, not belief about the actual reality.

My sense of emoting is pretty unstable, particularly about things that matter alot to me, or cause me any kind of stress, so I suppose I would have to answer that my partners love in itself was more (Due to the security I might assume of it, in comparison with mine) - unless they enter the relationship as a casual thing.

To be in a relationship, I think I would have to believe our love was equal - in the sense that both of us loved to a degree that was considered strong enough for us to need to be in a relationship, though the particulars might be vastly different. I would need to trust them alot for that to happen - or to be very deluded.

But that would have to mean I was emoting stably enough for that - aka, that's a very healthy dream. the reality is thart I'm not yet that stable, and I'm not sure I'll ever be that stable.

I'm not even sure the love I believe in is something that counts in this discussion - a transatory thing, or enough admiration, care and trust to last a long, long time, which seems to me to be pretty unlikely in people - I know I'm unstable, but I don't consider other people to be completely stable - holding the same feeling/s and view/s for aaaagggeees. Doesn't it change?


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## erasinglines (Sep 1, 2010)

Liminality said:


> My sense of emoting is pretty unstable, particularly about things that matter alot to me, or cause me any kind of stress, so I suppose I would have to answer that my partners love in itself was more (Due to the security I might assume of it, in comparison with mine) - unless they enter the relationship as a casual thing.
> 
> To be in a relationship, I think I would have to believe our love was equal - in the sense that both of us loved to a degree that was considered strong enough for us to need to be in a relationship, though the particulars might be vastly different. I would need to trust them alot for that to happen - or to be very deluded.
> 
> ...


Life is always full of change and fluctuation, I think. The wind blows through the trees and stirs the leaves, and the trees bend and sway in the wind when it blows. When it's still, the trees and leaves are still. Stress and instability does indeed happen, and it can move our lives like the wind. Leaves will be lost, and sometimes branches broken. Maybe the rains fall less that year and the tree blossoms are paler, the harvest less fruitful. But the tree is no less a tree, even for the loss of leaves, perhaps a branch or two, maybe a year of barren fruit.

And when in stress, there may be more give than take - more support from one side. But as I see it, that's okay because it will come around in one way or another. I think this even for friendship. People may go through stress and times of great hardship, but they are still themselves.

I suppose it depends on the people involved for how well a relationship (romantic or simply friendship) can survive instability and turmoil.

But like the tree, I think that things can change and stay the same simultaneously. A tree changes with the seasons. Feelings may blossom and grow and bear fruit, and they may tumble down and hold tight, uncovered and naked in the cold winter air. But in all of these changes, at the heart and core nature of existence, the tree is no less a tree. A friend is no less a friend. Love is no less love. At least, that's how I understand it.


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## March Cat (Jan 27, 2011)

MrShatter said:


> Hi guys. Recently, I have noticed a trend among my friends. It is strange, and I have yet to find a counter example, so I would like to present this strange observation to you and get your feedback.
> 
> I've noticed in relationships that an Fi user tends to feel that the love between two partners is mutual, and an Fe user tends to feel like he or she loves his/her partner more than the partner loves the Fe user.
> 
> ...


Are you also recognizing the fact that Fe users tend to demonstrate and articulate their love more than Fi users? If a Fe is dating a Fi, then the Fe might very well feel they have more love for their SO than the Fi partner, but that's just because the Fi doesn't feel the need to express it. I suspect this is one of the most frustrating examples of miscommunication and misinterpreting the other's feelings because of it.


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## MrShatter (Sep 28, 2010)

March Cat said:


> Are you also recognizing the fact that Fe users tend to demonstrate and articulate their love more than Fi users? If a Fe is dating a Fi, then the Fe might very well feel they have more love for their SO than the Fi partner, but that's just because the Fi doesn't feel the need to express it. I suspect this is one of the most frustrating examples of miscommunication and misinterpreting the other's feelings because of it.


I am, thank you for clarifying though 
I'm not trying to only analyze Fe + Fi relationships, but also Fi + Fi, & Fe + Fe relationships, (well at least this minor aspect of the parts Fi & Fe play) (Via poll, so it's not really analyzation but more of acquiring feedback.)


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## Monkey King (Nov 16, 2010)

I usually assume that the love is mutual until actions make me think otherwise. But this is coming from an inferior Fi user. I generally show my affection in actions. But when in doubt, I tend to mimic the SO's actions as way to maintain balance; making sure I'm not giving too much or too little.


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## goodgracesbadinfluence (Feb 28, 2011)

I've think it is the opposite... then again, the relationship I was referencing was with someone with dominant Fi (provided he is properly typed) and I have inferior Fe.


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## lirulin (Apr 16, 2010)

(Fi)
If I didn't think it was equal in the ways that matter, I wouldn't be there.
Then again, thinking it equal is a sort of vague default. It doesn't really occur to me to compare them. It's not a competition. I don't want to play that game.


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## caramel_choctop (Sep 20, 2010)

March Cat said:


> Are you also recognizing the fact that Fe users tend to demonstrate and articulate their love more than Fi users?[...] that's just because the Fi doesn't feel the need to express it. I suspect this is one of the most frustrating examples of miscommunication and misinterpreting the other's feelings because of it.


That's a very good point. This is just a guess, but is it possible that (in general) Fi users are less comfortable verbalising their love than Fe users? Saying things like "I love you" makes me extremely uncomfortable, for instance. 
*shrug* Idk if it's even MBTI-related.


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## widdlewiddle (May 6, 2011)

Ok, so, I am Fi as an INFP. Fi has to do with my own self worth and helping others develop self worth. When I am in a love relationship, I will use my Fi to shower my love on my significant other and even to put them on a pedestal. I will treat them like a king, responding to every demand and expectation so that they feel like they are worth so much to me. If I notice they are feeling low self esteem I will build them up with words and actions because I know how bad it feels to feel worthless. I feel the least loved in a relationship when my significant other does not do the same kinds of things to show me how much value and worth they put on me through building up my self esteem. So I am dating an Fe currently and we are having trouble relating. He says that I have no empathy or compassion and I just do not understand the Fe function at all to know what I am doing wrong. Can someone help me understand Fe and how I can apply it? This is what I have so far...

Fe feels for others.
Fi feels for self.

But Fi can feel for the self of others...like others self esteem.
So I suppose Fe wants you to feel for... how they feel towards you?


Fi feels for their self esteem or others self esteem.

 Fi very much wants others to feel bad with them if their self esteem is affected...hence the emo trend...

Fi reads feelings by internalizing them, sort of "if I was going through that I'd feel like this" and Fe senses the actual emotions coming from people.

Fe is giving up your will for the will of others so that they feel better emotionally.

 Fi just wants everyone to feel good about who they are.


Is that right?


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## Linnifae (Nov 13, 2009)

How do you measure something intangible like love? I'm assuming it's equal between my husband and me. I say it more and am more verbal about my feelings in general. He says it less frequently but shows it in actions like buying me things that makes him think of me, or doing something he knows needs to be done but I'm afraid of doing (I have a lot of anxiety issues). If you want to measure it on actions, he loves me more, as I'm not one to "do" much, but I am constantly using words of encouragement and he is quite lacking in that department so it all equals out. Before I learned about the love languages I'd think I be the one who loved him more, but he'd say the same thing about me. (We've had this conversation in fact.)

edit: my husband has good use of Fe for an ISTP and I have very strong Fi, if anyone's interested.


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## viva (Aug 13, 2010)

I'm another Fi user who honestly feels the love is equally mutual. He is a Fe user. (ENFP & INFJ). Not sure what he thinks but if it went along with your theory I doubt he'd tell me that. :tongue:


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## Tridentus (Dec 14, 2009)

INTERESTING

nice catch Mr Shatter..


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