# Dealing with a friend's very angry wife?



## Kittynip (Mar 24, 2013)

Today I woke up to a phone call from a classmate's _wife_. She thinks he's been cheating on her.
My classmate and I aren't very close - we've hung out twice, both times we talked about school.

We've each sent about 20 texts to each other over the span of two and a half months. 
There was one I sent at 2 AM describing what I was doing at a party. He wasn't there, btw.

I'm assuming his wife saw that text and the timestamps on it, because she called, asking what I was doing hanging out with her husband at 2 AM.

No. We have never. Not that she believed me. She hung up. 

Let's see though, the texts themselves tbh, would look strange. I have an uh, unique sense of humor, and a good majority of my texts were talking about how hot Olivia Wilde or how hot a substitute teacher (female) was. Nonsensical and I'm not serious, but from someone who doesn't know me, I guess it would just look weird. idk about suspicious, but yeah, weird. 

Anyway.

How do I deal with an angry wife?
I'm still confused. It happened at like, 7 AM and I'm baffled.

I'd rather not get scolded if possible (in getting into this situation), haha. 
Would appreciate constructive advice on how to convince her that you know, I barely know her husband, I won't talk to him again if she'd prefer, and how to deal with the inevitable awkwardness that'll be there when I see him in class next. 

Also, yeah, I'd rather avoid getting slandered. 
She has my info (and I'm assuming FB info) and although it would be great fun to have my friends be notified that I've 'cheated' (when I haven't...) it would be hard to explain and a headache. 
I recently broke up with my bf, and I don't want them thinking that was the reason. I've also been pretty depressed lately and haven't been contacting anyone, and again, I don't want them thinking that infidelity was the reason. 

Need to find a way to sort things out? She has no concrete proof we've done anything, but I have no concrete proof that we haven't done anything. 

We have not done anything.

Wall of text, sorry. 
First time for everything, but wow, this is an interesting one. No comment. Haha...

Lesson learned: Avoid married men at all costs. Do not study with them. Run away from them. Respect their wives. etc. lol


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## Sovereign (Aug 19, 2011)

No. The lesson here should be "Haterz gonna hate"

Simply go on with your life and don't worry about what she will do. Truth is the ultimate defense. If she makes your life miserable in some way, return the favor sevenfold until she stops. 

That's my simple opinion.


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## Zombie Devil Duckie (Apr 11, 2012)

So... you don't think the wife should think anything is "going on", when an unknown woman is texting her husband at 2:AM? If you aren't close then why were you texting him at a party?

(btw, I don't really want an answer to that. I'm assuming what the guys wife is thinking as he's telling her his story).

It may be as innocent as you say, but it doesn't sound good from the wife's perspective. If you had come over to their house to study and had become familiar with his wife, she might not have thought the worst. BUT... you are an unknown, and she's obviously feeling insecure and threatened.



-ZDD


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## StElmosDream (May 26, 2012)

Redirect questions back at her if she persists, knowing how subjective belief and truth can be... so many in this situation noted will catastrophise, think and act impulsively, look for others to blame and project insecurities onto or ascribe traits onto others rather than questioning their own choices and what they may have done to influence outcomes.

Assuming you have kept a record of communications with 'her man' then you should be able to refute anything that looks like 'we are having an affair' or 'motives for abandonment' with reason and outright honesty about your own life situation versus what you may know of theirs.


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## Word Dispenser (May 18, 2012)

Kittynip said:


> Today I woke up to a phone call from a classmate's _wife_. She thinks he's been cheating on her.
> My classmate and I aren't very close - we've hung out twice, both times we talked about school.
> 
> We've each sent about 20 texts to each other over the span of two and a half months.
> ...


Ah, well. That's quite the pickle of a dilly.

Anyway, I'd just avoid him. And, if she asks, let her know that you were never involved with him, you won't be in contact with him anymore, and apologize for any misunderstandings. Let her know that you don't want to get between a marriage, especially considering you barely know her husband. 

You could let her know in writing, if you think that's safer and/or that she'll actually read it rather than listen to you.

I would avoid him simply because it's not worth aggravating any unnecessary drama via his wife. You know the truth. He knows the truth. It doesn't matter what people gossip about, and they'll be less likely to do so if you maintain a healthy distance.

Ah, additionally: Any weird humour aside, this isn't your fault. His wife is clearly very insecure, about herself and her relationship. It's possible that her husband has done stuff in the past, or maybe not. In any case-- It's never appropriate to jump to conclusions without first understanding the situation.

It's clear that she and him probably need to work out these trust issues, and it'd be a very good idea for any opposite gender affiliate to hide during this time.


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## WinterFox (Sep 19, 2013)

hmm if I were in this situation, I will hang out less with her husband.
I won't bother to send any more text messages to him, and I will only talk to him when I see him in school. 
If he asks me why I am ignoring his text messages, then I will just explain to him about his wife's behavior.
As for his wife, I won't give a damn about her, my conscience is clear and I didn't do anything to her husband. 
Why should I bother to explain myself to her or apologise to her when I didn't do anything wrong? 
And anyway, there is this quote that says, "Never explain yourself to anyone, because the person who likes you doesn't need it and the person who dislikes you won't believe it."
Even if I explain myself to her, she wouldn't believe my explanation anyway, because she already dislikes me, and explaining to her is only a waste of my time and efforts. 
I will just do the mature and responsible thing by distancing myself from her husband, but no way will I ever explain myself or apologise to that paranoid wife. This is how I will handle this situation. 
And I admire your patience in handling this situation :kitteh:
Not sure if it's just me, but if a person's wife were to suspect me of seducing her husband, I will feel really offended, because she is doubting my integrity and character . This is so unforgivable :angry:


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## daddyjordan22 (Aug 13, 2013)

I'm a married man. She should be discussing this with him, not you. You don't need to say or defend anything about what you've done/said or not, that is for her husband to explain to his wife.


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## Impavida (Dec 29, 2011)

Been there, done that. As others have said, leave it alone. There's nothing you can say or do to calm her down and it's not up to you to try. If she contacts you again, tell her you have no interest in being involved in her relationship drama and that she needs to talk to her husband, then hang up or walk away. Not your problem. Don't allow yourself to be dragged into the middle of it.

Lesson going forward: no more random text messages to married men. Especially not at 2am ;-)


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## Kittynip (Mar 24, 2013)

Thanks for the advice guys.  !
You are awesome.

I was so taken aback earlier this morning. Even now I kinda can't help but think: '....did that seriously just happen'.
I totally get how that would look to her though - the timing of the messages. 

And my humor. :|
Out of context it's hard to understand wtf I'm joking about, or even that they're jokes. Lesson learned.

Anyway... I ended up asking him to forward a message to his wife saying I'd be willing to talk/listen to sort whatever/everything out if she wants me to. I'd also like closure; this situation makes me feel like an accidental homewrecker, so guilt tripping a bit. & honestly, from what he's told me about her, his wife genuinely seems like a nice lady, so I wanna apologize for not being more respectful. 

I plan on cutting off contact with him afterwards. 
Drama takes effort. Effort is not my friend.

Thanks again everybody. ;o !


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## Dashing (Sep 19, 2011)

Yay for reason.


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## PowerShell (Feb 3, 2013)

Zombie Devil Duckie said:


> So... you don't think the wife should think anything is "going on", when an unknown woman is texting her husband at 2:AM? If you aren't close then why were you texting him at a party?
> -ZDD


Yeah. That's never good and I definitely see why she is concerned.

@OP When did you start talking to this guy again. How long has it been since you graduated?


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## Kittynip (Mar 24, 2013)

PowerShell said:


> Yeah. That's never good and I definitely see why she is concerned.
> 
> @OP When did you start talking to this guy again. How long has it been since you graduated?


We're currently still in the middle of our semester. It's my first one at this school. 
So we exchanged numbers towards the beginning of the semester - 2 months ago-ish - so we could study for exams together.


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## PowerShell (Feb 3, 2013)

Kittynip said:


> We're currently still in the middle of our semester. It's my first one at this school.
> So we exchanged numbers towards the beginning of the semester - 2 months ago-ish - so we could study for exams together.


Ok, that makes a little more sense. For some reason I thought you were say old classmates from high school and randomly started talking to each other. I guess for me personally I tend to avoid opposite gender interactions like that if they're in a relationship for the situation you described. It's one thing being assigned to a group but freely associating, it's probably best not to get in those sort of interactions or they get messy.


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## Kyandigaru (Mar 11, 2012)

Why are you feeling some sort of way for a classmate you only known for two months? Why question his wife if she has the right to get upset?


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## Kittynip (Mar 24, 2013)

@*PowerShell - *Yep, good point and one I'll consider from now on. Thanks. 
We became friends as we sit next to one another and we're often assigned into the same group in-class. 

From now on, yeah, it'll stay in-class only, if even that. 
Although I still think I'm going to cut off as much contact as I can. No more outside interaction. 
Just uncomfortable right now. 

@ *Kyandigaru - *Can I ask what you mean by 'questioning his wife'? And also for 'feeling some sort of way for my classmate'?

Not sure what you meant by them.

But I'll answer best I can from my interpretation - I don't have anything against his wife. I inadvertently ended up making her upset and wanted to try finding the best way to deal with the situation. 

And... For my classmate, we don't know each other too well, but we sit next to each other in class and the classes are frequent throughout the week. With continuous interaction (even over the span of two months), friendships can grow exponentially. 

I wouldn't consider our friendship to have undergone that kind of significant progress, but we did become friends.


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## Kyandigaru (Mar 11, 2012)

Kittynip said:


> @*PowerShell - *Yep, good point and one I'll consider from now on. Thanks.
> We became friends as we sit next to one another and we're often assigned into the same group in-class.
> 
> From now on, yeah, it'll stay in-class only, if even that.
> ...


what I meant by questioning his wife was that you were wondering why she was acting as such. You don't think there should be an issue regarding a simple text. I believe right? Listen, i'm one of those women that like to talk to others, however, whenever I findout a man is married, I just simply leave him alone because some women are insecure right off the bat. I know you meant no harm in talking and texting, but some women are like " my hubby is off limits". Even if the convo was innocent. I do believe the wife should look to him moreso than you. Yes you may not have had intentions to sleep with him, but any woman who has been cheated on before, have had the other woman lie and say otherwise. I dunno, if this man has cheated on her before and it causes her to question other women who calls him or texts him. Next time he tries to text you, don't text back. If he sits next to you and ask why are you acting different...Slowly look to your left (or right) and say "your wife"and back at the instructor. He'll get it LOL


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## Kittynip (Mar 24, 2013)

Kyandigaru said:


> what I meant by questioning his wife was that you were wondering why she was acting as such. You don't think there should be an issue regarding a simple text. I believe right? Listen, i'm one of those women that like to talk to others, however, whenever I findout a man is married, I just simply leave him alone because some women are insecure right off the bat. I know you meant no harm in talking and texting, but some women are like " my hubby is off limits". Even if the convo was innocent. I do believe the wife should look to him moreso than you. Yes you may not have had intentions to sleep with him, but any woman who has been cheated on before, have had the other woman lie and say otherwise. I dunno, if this man has cheated on her before and it causes her to question other women who calls him or texts him. Next time he tries to text you, don't text back. If he sits next to you and ask why are you acting different...Slowly look to your left (or right) and say "your wife"and back at the instructor. He'll get it LOL


Ahh. Yeah, I see what you mean now. Thanks. 

I think it failed to register to me why my married friend would be any different from my other friends when I befriended him; I have the tendency to be willing to talk to just about anyone and everyone. I didn't pay much attention to my friend's specific circumstances as a result. 

Maybe it was 'cause of naivety, or maybe 'cause of carelessness, but either way I'll be sure to list 'married dude' on to the - I Shall Not Text list. Hehe. 

Appreciate the input!
May actually use that line (the wife one, haha).


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## Kyandigaru (Mar 11, 2012)

Kittynip said:


> Ahh. Yeah, I see what you mean now. Thanks.
> 
> I think it failed to register to me why my married friend would be any different from my other friends when I befriended him; I have the tendency to be willing to talk to just about anyone and everyone. I didn't pay much attention to my friend's specific circumstances as a result.
> 
> ...



Yeah Do you hunny. Sometimes you have to wonder if he was using you as a game piece too. Did he want to make his wife jealous? Play with her emotions for a minute? I mean why else text you about a party he was nowhere interested in going? That's like someone saying "hey sam i'm not going to go to church today." then at church Sam gets a text from that friend asking.."what's the pastor or priest talking about?" LMAO

Dont add up to me. Think back to the times you all texted were you texting him more or was he texting you?


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## Kittynip (Mar 24, 2013)

Kyandigaru said:


> Yeah Do you hunny. Sometimes you have to wonder if he was using you as a game piece too. Did he want to make his wife jealous? Play with her emotions for a minute? I mean why else text you about a party he was nowhere interested in going? That's like someone saying "hey sam i'm not going to go to church today." then at church Sam gets a text from that friend asking.."what's the pastor or priest talking about?" LMAO
> 
> Dont add up to me. Think back to the times you all texted were you texting him more or was he texting you?


Haha, I wouldn't mind even if that had been the case, although I doubt that it was. He's been a nice guy to me, and as his friend that's all I'd expect from a friendship. 

I'm not one to hold a grudge, and honestly, if I _had_ been a 'game piece' I'd seriously just be... 
Unimpressed. 
I'd feel that way because he got caught. 
I don't like it when people are bad at being bad. Cleverness and ingenuity while doing that kind of deception would make me angry at being fooled, but I'd only be mad at myself for falling for it. 
However, I'd respect them for having the capability to pull such a thing off. 

Anyway, it is what it is.
Even though this situation took me by surprise (and I did feel a little guilty), more than anything I just thought it was an interesting experience to learn from. At this point, I'm no longer really even thinking about it as it seems to have been resolved.


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## OldManRivers (Mar 22, 2012)

You have presented your reasoning and feel it was meaningless, a trivial nothing. Not that I believe you. Be that as it may. . .
But _*HE *_is having difficulties in his marriage, and I bet he has told you as much - *He* may be pursuing _*you. *_
Now, depending on state laws, she may can sue you for alienation of affection - money involved there, like you paying for her divorce, and alimony? Has happened.. She can name you in a divorce procedings and you could face degrading accusations in open court - and be painted as a homewrecker. Where you work - fraternazion may be frowned on or outright prohibited, and a morals clause in your contract can get you fired for cause.

You may be guilty of nothing more than poor judgment. Doesn't matter. You stepped into a domestic conflict that can harm you - may have already (you do not believe you were the only one she called, do you?) 

"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." Yep.


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