# (INFJ's and INFP's) Relationships, Compatibility, & the Inferior Function



## SilverRose (Mar 30, 2010)

INFJ, INFP, INTP, INTJ Relationships, Compatibility, & the Inferior Function

A.J. / OCTOBER 26, 2011

Despite their “otherworldliness,” Intuitive Introverts (INFJs, INFPs, INTPs, INTJs) still seek love and intimacy. Like other types, Intuitive Introverts often struggle when it comes to finding a good relational match, often wondering if true love and compatibility will ever find them. In this post, I will explore some key factors that contribute to the success (or breakdown) of INFJ, INFP, INTP, & INTJ relationships.
Depending on their type, Intuitive Introverts will use different methods and standards for evaluating prospective partners. INTPs and INTJs might take a logical approach to finding love, listing the desired qualities of their imagined mate. INFs are likely to find such logical approaches distasteful or even laughable. INFJs lean heavily on their intuition for identifying potential love interests, while INFPs assess potential mates by way of their feelings and values. Despite such differences in approach, Intuitive Introverts are alike in their susceptibility to being tripped up by their inferior function. In order to understand what I mean by this, we will need to backtrack a bit first.

In my view, all types are best paired with mates who align with the needs and values of their dominant and/or auxiliary functions. I also believe that the approach used by an individual to assess potential mates should be rooted in the top two functions of his or her type. Take INTPs, for example. In accordance with their dominant (Ti) and auxiliary (Ne) functions, INTPs tend to value things such as ideas, theories, philosophizing, and intellectual discussions. These are also the sorts of things that INTPs will, and arguably should, consciously value in a partner. After all, if the INTP’s partner does not stimulate his or her mind, what will hold the INTP’s interest in the long term? In sum, if consulting their Ti and Ne, INTPs are seeking what David Keirsey has dubbed a “mindmate.”

The Inferior Function as Mischief-Maker

Unfortunately, what makes sense on paper (i.e., matchmaking according to the top two functions) does not always play out in the real world. The reason for this has much to do with the mischievous ways of the inferior function. The inferior function opposes the dominant function, is largely subconscious, and, in many ways, has its own agenda. Its needs and values oppose those of the dominant function, creating a psychological tug-of-war between the conscious (i.e., the dominant function) and subconscious (i.e., the inferior function) minds. For more on this see this post.

The influence of the inferior, which is particularly potent early in life, helps to explain why people often pair with their typological opposite. The experience of infatuation is often fueled by the inferior, which can blind individuals to the fact that pairing with their opposite typically requires a sacrificing of some prominent needs and values of their top two functions. The insidious influence of the inferior may explain, at least in part, why those who marry before the age of 25 are far more likely to end up divorced.

We will now consider some specific ways in which the inferior function may influence mating behaviors in specific introverted personality types:

INFJ/INTJ Relationships: Extraverted Sensation (Se) is the inferior function of INFJs and INTJs. Like ESPs, for whom Se is the dominant function, INFJs and INTJs enjoy material comforts, novel sensations, and aesthetics (see this post). When it comes to relationships, INJs may be drawn, even unwittingly, to ESP types. Unlike many INJs, ESPs are not afraid of action (see this post on why Intuitive Introverts struggle to act), but can effortlessly navigate the extraverted world. ESPs can excel in sales or business and often display a high earning potential. This promise of financial security and material stability can be especially attractive to INFJs, who are often uncertain of their ability or desire to hack it in today’s fast-paced marketplace. With that said, because of their ready access to their subconscious by way of their Ni, INFJs are probably the least likely of all types to be chronically blinded by their inferior function. Sure, there will be periods when they succumb to Se indulgences, but they are less likely than other types to impulsively sign-up for a long-term relationship based on the infatuating influence of their inferior. Hence, it is important to differentiate the role of the inferior in INTJs and INFJs. For INTJs, the materialization of a successful relationship with another person seems a most difficult achievement. For INFJs, materialization of economic wealth found in the security of physical objects seems hardest to come by.

INTP/ISTP Relationships: Extraverted Feeling (Fe) is the inferior function of INTPs and ISTPs. Like EFJs, for whom Fe is dominant, INTPs and ISTPs seek harmony and good feelings in the environment. Like moths to a flame, ITPs are commonly drawn to the warmth and radiance of FJ types (INTJs, for whom Feeling is tertiary, may experience some of this as well). Because their Feeling is inferior, ITPs are highly prone to infatuation and can be quite naive when it comes to selecting a suitable long-term partner. The childlike nature of their Feeling is evident in ITPs’ frequent attraction to sappy and simplistic love songs, not to mention romantic comedies. It is therefore of great importance that INTPs and ISTPs be aware of the powerful influence of their inferior function in order to avoid making costly errors of judgment in selecting a mate (I plan to post on this soon).

INFP/ISFP Relationships: Extraverted Thinking (Te) is the inferior function of INFPs & ISTPs. Like ETJs, INFPs and ISFPs aspire to be strong, confident, and self-assured. For IFPs who fail to experience these qualities, pairing with an ETJ can seem quite appealing. INFPs and ISFPs alike can be drawn to the strength, logic, leadership, and commanding presence of ETJs. Unfortunately, IFPs who find themselves in an unhealthy relationship with a domineering ETJ can experience great difficulty in severing the relationship. The ETJ’s strength often seems insurmountable and a situation of long-term codependency ensues.

Should Opposites Mate?

The notion of the attraction of opposites is often romanticized and even encouraged by some. Such pairings are often conceptualized as a balancing of individual strengths and weaknesses. An INFP and an ESTJ pairing, for instance, might be conceived as seizing an opportunity for interpersonal balance. While ES types may be drawn to this notion of interpersonal compensation, Intuitive Introverts tend to be equally concerned with personal growth and self-actualization. Hence, pairing with their typological opposite may in some ways be or feel stunting for IN types. To grow as individuals, Intuitive Introverts need to develop their Extraversion and Sensing functions. However, if they rely to heavily on an ES partner for these things, their personal growth and development could feasibly be impaired.

Compromise, while necessary in any relationship, can also involve a great a price when typological opposites come together. Intuitives tend to be particularly sensitive to this issue, struggling with the idea of sacrificing their individuality for the sake of preserving the relationship. As idealists, persisting in mediocre relationships for the sake of duty or convention is a difficult pill for many Intuitives to swallow.

Because of its role in facilitating the pairing of typological opposites, I feel it is critical that all types work to develop an awareness and understanding of the workings of their inferior function. The insidious influence of the inferior can cause both Introverts and Extraverts to make detrimental errors in judgment when selecting a romantic partner.

Rather than heeding the naive and childlike feeling judgments of their inferior (Fe), INTPs are better off using their Thinking (Ti) when it comes to selecting a mate. Like INTPs, INTJs are often best paired with a mindmate, resisting what might be a first-blush attraction to ESFP finesse or beauty. INFPs will do best to listen to their hearts and deeply held values (Fi) rather than making a Te list of pros and cons or being wooed by the ostensible strength or confidence of an ESTJ. Finally, INFJs, despite their Se’s concern for material comforts and beautiful surroundings, will typically be happiest with another Intuitive type, even if his or her income is more meager than that of an ESTP tycoon or stockbroker.


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## Lost in Oblivion (May 27, 2011)

SilverRose said:


> In my view, all types are best paired with mates who align with the needs and values of their dominant and/or auxiliary functions. I also believe that the approach used by an individual to assess potential mates should be rooted in the top two functions of his or her type. Take INTPs, for example. In accordance with their dominant (Ti) and auxiliary (Ne) functions, INTPs tend to value things such as ideas, theories, philosophizing, and intellectual discussions. These are also the sorts of things that INTPs will, and arguably should, consciously value in a partner. After all, if the INTP’s partner does not stimulate his or her mind, what will hold the INTP’s interest in the long term? In sum, if consulting their Ti and Ne, INTPs are seeking what David Keirsey has dubbed a “mindmate.”


I think it's incredibly important that whatever judging function lies in the top two function agrees with the partner's judging function. You can have an Fe-Fi relationship, but only if those F-morals line up, and that can differ incredibly. For the perceiving function, it is not _as_ important that they match up but there can be communication issues. However, there is ability for compromise on both aspects - IxxP's can come to a compromise on their perceiving functions (since the N/S divide is not so great), while IxxJ's can compromise on their judging functions (since the F/T divide is not so great).

Of course, though, it really just depends on what you're looking for. I know for one I'm looking (at least, right now) for an xxTP type, since the other judging functions tend to irritate me. I suppose my preference for a higher Sensing presence (so preferring ENTP the least) relates to the inferior function, for me, Se, and wanting some sort of stability or grounding. Once we find some sort of balance between the compromising of functions, I think we can easily find out what we want.


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## SilverRose (Mar 30, 2010)

Lost in Oblivion said:


> I think it's incredibly important that whatever judging function lies in the top two function agrees with the partner's judging function. You can have an Fe-Fi relationship, but only if those F-morals line up, and that can differ incredibly. For the perceiving function, it is not _as_ important that they match up but there can be communication issues.


 I'm not sure that holds true for every type. For example, I'm an INFJ and the most important thing for me is that my partner understands how my brain works as far as how I perceive the world. I want someone who gets my Ni. My entire life, even before I discovered typology, I've been especially attracted guys that are INTJs. Like my bf right now is one. It's best kind of relationship I've ever experienced, even though our judging functions are opposites-- he's Te/Fi, I'm Fe/Ti. fortunately our values do match up, but the fact that our perceiving functions are the same (Ni/Se) and our judging functions are different means we completely understand each other, but our different perspectives help each other grow.


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## Lost in Oblivion (May 27, 2011)

SilverRose said:


> I'm not sure that holds true for every type. For example, I'm an INFJ and the most important thing for me is that my partner understands how my brain works as far as how I perceive the world. I want someone who gets my Ni. My entire life, even before I discovered typology, I've been especially attracted guys that are INTJs. Like my bf right now is one. It's best kind of relationship I've ever experienced, even though our judging functions are opposites-- he's Te/Fi, I'm Fe/Ti. fortunately our values do match up, but the fact that our perceiving functions are the same (Ni/Se) and our judging functions are different means we completely understand each other, but our different perspectives help each other grow.


Hm, you're right. I think I posted that without thinking it through enough. Perhaps I was thinking more along the lines of judging-dominant types with a perceiving auxiliary. When I think about it I find it really important someone understands my Ni, and I haven't thought enough about "complementary" functions (i.e. Ne).


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