# Severe, Lasting Disintegration. The deepest wound or darkness in yourself.



## Animal (May 29, 2012)

*The deepest wound or darkness in yourself.*

- What, would you say, is the deepest wound or darkness in yourself?
- Have you ever lived this out? What were you like on the inside? On the outside?
- Do you fear this potential in yourself? Do you embrace it?
- Did this darkness manifest in your behavior or mindset as a child in any way?


Enneagram:
- What is your type, tritype, variants, MBTI?
- Do you relate to the number associated with your disintegration line? If so, how?


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## HellCat (Jan 17, 2013)

Animal said:


> - What, would you say, is the deepest wound or darkness in yourself?
> - Have you ever lived this out? What were you like on the inside? On the outside?
> - Do you fear this potential in yourself? Do you embrace it?
> - Did this darkness manifest in your behavior or mindset as a child in any way?
> ...


Deepest wound. I am the daughter of two psychopaths. People who do not feel remorse and unleash their hateful terror on anyone who would be in their way or the product of their envy. 

I worried for years I was a sociopath because I could not express tender emotions. They cause me pain. Everything has been geared toward avoiding actual attachment or intimacy with someone. I would even share my past, daring them to fuck up and say something stupid so I could cut them off without a second thought. 

Inside- Rappacini's daughter. I have even been compared to a poisonous flower multiple times, told I am deadly, intense, intimidating. 

Outside- As strong and glamorous as possible. I am a lionfish with poisoned spikes. If I am going to be so mistaken and feared, I will at least look my best. It is a comfort. 


Emotions are neither safe to feel, nor express. 

Do I fear the potential? Not really. I've accepted it and I enjoy my darkness in solitude. Nobody needs to know what I think or feel. 

As a child I was very gentle and empathic to suffering and would reach out and heal and help people less fortunate than I, I do that as an adult too. Self pity is not my style. I think it balances the universe in a way since I have two creators who wreck havoc emotionally and physically everywhere they go.


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## Quernus (Dec 8, 2011)

I hope more people answer this!


god knows what my deepest wound is, in terms of actual painful events I've experienced. I don't think it would productive for me to explore that right now.


But I would say my deepest darkness is the drive to completely shut myself off and become inaccessible to everything and everyone. To abandon them and myself, to cease to love or give at all. I suppose that's a bit Freudian (the death instinct), really.


To reach this point would require a journey through many other layers of darkness, though. Such as my temptation to cause angst, through pulling away and withdrawing, as some sort of measure of how much I might mean to a person. Then there's the desperate, secret, inner-vigilante... the burning desire to wound with words, cut someone to the core until they realize the utter repulsiveness of their actions (like... when someone truly violates my highest values). 


The first thing may sound sadistic, but- I do *not* derive pleasure from seeing suffering in and of itself. More than anything it is self-sabotaging and masochistic, as I end up losing what I really need or want. I figure I don't deserve it anyway at that point. I mainly only do it on small scales, like shutting down when someone expresses concern. 


With the "vigilante" thing... I just want to bring someone back to reality, to humanity, make everyone be on the same page, bridge the disconnect. I also think it has to do with, yet again, fearing that I have no impact or that everything I stand for is meaningless, because if someone can so nonchalantly violate my core values (like by being content with benefiting at the serious expense of others)... perhaps I have it wrong. And then what? What worth or meaning does my life or identity even have? 


And so... ultimately, feeding the darkness would just bring me closer and closer to cutting myself off completely. Because the darkness is insatiable, and there will never be enough external validation to satisfy me or make me feel okay, to convince me I have any inherent value (or that anything does, really). It has to come from within. And if I fail to find it, there would be no other route but to abandon everything. To give up on myself. 


When I was younger I would have this thought, "What if I don't really love anyone?" This terrified me. It still scares me, the draw towards complete isolation, emptiness, and lovelessness. As a child, yes, I would hide from others when I felt hurt or embarrassed or rejected in some way... I remember hiding under the bed and wanting to just DISAPPEAR from the _shame_, but also aching and aching to be found and for someone to tell me it would be okay...

Yeah. >_> Um... yeah.

So somehow the deepest wound is the fear that I'm meaningless. The deepest darkness is just finally accepting that.


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## Quernus (Dec 8, 2011)

animal said:


> -



YOU HAVE TO ANSWER DIS TOO btw >_<


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## Animal (May 29, 2012)

spectralsparrow said:


> YOU HAVE TO ANSWER DIS TOO btw >_<


I will 

My trauma was extreme. I realize some people here.. have been through worse than I have, if you compare their whole life to mine. For instance my family had enough money, and my parents love me and supported me to the point where I was climbing into a music career as a teenager. But for that reason, my trauma-reaction was especially extreme. I was so high up that the fall was a LONG WAY DOWN. And I crashed in a very extreme way. This is in no way, claiming my trauma was 'harder' or 'worse' than someone else- I'm just explaining that it was extreme and kind of 'all happened at once.' The trauma-reaction itself took over my life for about a decade. So its hard to get into words but one day, when I have the energy I will try.


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## Quernus (Dec 8, 2011)

Animal said:


> I will
> 
> My trauma was extreme. I realize some people here.. have been through worse than I have, if you compare their whole life to mine. For instance my family had enough money, and my parents love me and supported me to the point where I was climbing into a music career as a teenager. But for that reason, my trauma-reaction was especially extreme. I was so high up that the fall was a LONG WAY DOWN. And I crashed in a very extreme way. This is in no way, claiming my trauma was 'harder' or 'worse' than someone else- I'm just explaining that it was extreme and kind of 'all happened at once.' The trauma-reaction itself took over my life for about a decade. So its hard to get into words but one day, when I have the energy I will try.


Well, no rush, even if that time never comes, lmao. Be comfortable and ready. I was just trying to express my extreme interest in what you have to say. 

Anyway... you make cool posts.


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## Animal (May 29, 2012)

spectralsparrow said:


> Well, no rush, even if that time never comes, lmao. Be comfortable and ready. I was just trying to express my extreme interest in what you have to say.
> 
> Anyway... you make cool posts.


Thank you   :blushed:

Admittedly that does make me want to post it more. It's very hard to talk about..so I really really thank you for the encouragement.


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## HighClassSavage (Nov 29, 2012)

Wouldn't say I have a deep wound, at least not something worth mentioning. Though as far as darkness goes, I'd have to say the one thing I've always been aware of is having a sadistic inclination.

When I was about 7 or 8, I remember once stumbling upon a nest of baby birds with no mother in sight. Most normal kids probably would've gotten their parents to help them or maybe play with them, something along those lines. But nope, instead, I grabbed a big stick and struck them repeatedly, watching them chirp incessantly. Fortunately, I didn't kill them, but I admit, it was entertaining to me back then. Then there were a few times where I had beat the shit out of my neighbor's cats when I was alone in a room with them. Not sure what that was about, all I know is I enjoyed doing it. I also really enjoyed killing lizards and throwing them into an air conditioner fan, but then again, that's not that abnormal. Though I do remember once stabbing a lizard's heart out and watching its face as the life poured out of it. That was more satisfying than it should have been. Finally, there was someone who I had physically abused every time I was in a room alone with them for no other reason than the fact that I could. What can I say, I enjoyed doing it back then.

Looking back at this, I could never kill a pet, not unless it was self-defense. They're just too damn cute and harmless. Don't personally believe this stuff I did is that bad actually, fuck, it could have been a lot worse. But the fact remains that I had taken pleasure from inflicting pain in my childhood. I'm sure that's probably a bit unusual. To this day, there is still this part of me that wants to hurt people and watch them suffer, to manipulate them and sabotage their lives, as I sit their laughing at their expense. I do often take an unusual amount of pleasure in seeing people get brutally murdered in media, especially when it's done out of revenge or justice. For example, I was watching a TV show where this man beats this guy to death with his bare hands for molesting his own step-son. That was probably one of my favorite scenes. I did an internal "Fuck yeah!", as my heart leaped with joy. But then again, this particularly struck a chord with me, because I have a cousin with muscular dystrophy who had told me his step-father once raped him. Thankfully, that man is no longer in his life and is nowhere to be found, but if I ever saw that man again...well...I love me a realistic fantasy roud:.

For the most part, I've come to embrace this aspect of myself as simply being a part of who I am. It isn't something I actively do so I'm fine with it. Though I do sometimes wonder how I'd react if someone were to try to hurt me or my family for that matter. All well, doesn't really matter. I'm sure people can relate to some of the shit I've said.

ESFP 6w7 - 8w7 - 4w3 sx/sp

Don't really know yet how line to 3 manifests for me.


* *













That line at the end cracks me the fuck up every time.

EDIT: Oh shit, that video is NSFW btw.


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## Chesire Tower (Jan 19, 2013)

My deepest wound is the feeling that my mother never unconditionally loved or accepted me and this has led in a fruitless search for both authenticity and unconditional acceptance. She also told me that I was a "failure" and that I "couldn't do anything right".

On the inside, I hid my pain because I was always shamed or punished whenever I expressed negative emotions - including guild: My mother said to me, "all I've ever wanted was for you to be happy"; so I always believed that I was causing her unbearable agony if I was ever sad.

On the outside, I both tried to cover up my pain as well as seek negative attention from others because being ignored was the worst agony I could suffer.

I used to have this horrible fear that if I dared like myself in the slightest, that I would become some sort of egomaniac. I also feared that I was a bottomless pit of need and I did everything I could think of to hide my secret shame; which always found some way of spilling out, despite my best efforts.


I am a so/sx 4w5 7w6 either 1w9 or 9w8 INFJ/ IEI-Ni.

I relate to 2 because I have very strong feelings of entitlement and when I am severely stressed they find a way of leaking out.



@spirited-angel, I hope that you are able to eventually find some sort of peace. I cannot even imagine the overwhelming sorrow, that you must endure.


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## DomNapoleon (Jan 21, 2012)

Animal said:


> - What, would you say, is the deepest wound or darkness in yourself?


My darkest side is something horrible, something that no one would like to see it. It's full of anger, rage, revenge, self-hate, feeling like you are not good enough, ultra critical, desires for chaos and starts hating everything around me. 




> - Have you ever lived this out? What were you like on the inside? On the outside?


Yes. Last year I lived it. It was horrible. I was indulging in my hate for months, and I even considered in shooting the college down lol. I was trying to destroy everything around me and it was a chaotic period of time. I also become more and more withdrawn from the world, I was basically an hermetic when that happen. I took pleasure in destroying people's self estime, and I would create fights in an empty house. 




> - Do you fear this potential in yourself? Do you embrace it?


Yes, I do. I fear this potential dark side because it ruins all my happiness and life. 




> - Did this darkness manifest in your behavior or mindset as a child in any way?


No.




> Enneagram:
> - What is your type, tritype, variants, MBTI?


7w6-4w3-1w9 Sx/So




> - Do you relate to the number associated with your disintegration line? If so, how?


Yes. 
*Line to 5:* makes me withdraw from the world, being hermetic, iconoclastic, total isolation from the outside, power searching, using knowledge to mock others people down.

*Line to 1:* hyper critical (both self and other), constantly judging the world, seeing everything as imperfection and hate things for that, anger issues, desire to destroy and rebuilt everything around me, etc.


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## Dyidia (May 28, 2010)

"Deepest wound or darkness" reminds me of back when I used to fantasize about killing god because I thought all of life was rotten. I had some pretty dark thoughts about what I should do about that, though in all honesty I don't think I'd ever harm anyone unprovoked. (And I give anyone who provokes me ample opportunity to back down too.)

I don't really fear my darkness; if anything, I embrace it. I feel like I'm already naturally in-tune with what's good for everyone around me (or at least what I think is good for them, which is all I can act on), so I don't even think to avoid any darkness I seem to be embodying. I certainly do bad things, but I've done more good just doing what I want than I did when I tried to embody some image of what "good" or "light-walking" seemed to be. 

I'm not a person that finds living for my own pleasure or survival to be worth living, so I find it a lot more productive to just focus all my willpower on doing things that are truly good for me. I guess when I put it that way, the true darkness in me is my own apathy, which I continually claw my way out of. (And actually, escaping apathy is probably the reason I shamelessly embody any darkness that I'm aware of.)

Disintegration: there's a lot of experiences I've had where I felt my inner experience was invalidated and untrustworthy. I often find myself doubting not only that what I want will be what I imagine it to be when I get it, but also the very substantiality of my desire itself. It would be pretty easy to draw a connection from that to the 6 problem, loss of Holy Strength. I find when I talk about my experience directly as a line or construct within Enneagram I distort facts to fit the theory, so I'll just leave it at that.


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## Sina (Oct 27, 2010)

Firstly, please don't quote my answers. I might delete them later. Too much hurt in some of these. Feel free to mention and comment, if you feel like it. 




Animal said:


> - What, would you say, is the deepest wound or darkness in yourself?


Wounds and darkness are not the same.

My deepest wound is the loss of my innocence, the loss of my childhood to death, violence, abuse, and after my dad's demise, a grave lack of anything resembling nurturance or love. I have seen family members shot dead right before my eyes, all for professing the wrong religion. I have seen horrors that would have long shattered the minds, wills and backs of most people.
No regrets. I've been blessed in countless ways, as well. 

As for darkness (I don't see it as a negative per se in this particular manifestation, except on the rare occasions when I grilled someone hard who didn't deserve it at all), I have an indulgently destructive side to my personality. Without going into much detail, I'll say that I have ruined reputations and livelihoods, to say the least. With good reason as should be obvious.  

I look back at it fondly. There's this Egyptian myth about the Goddess Sekhmet (half-lioness, half woman) who gets so drunk on the destruction of her (in the myth, Ra's enemies- she is considered the left ? eye of Ra and his daughter-) enemies that the only way to get her to stop the bloodshed is to turn the Nile to red wine lol. She mistakes it for blood and drinks the shit out of it, and that's how they get her inebriated ass to stop.

Now, I am too practical to get carried away like that. LOL But, I relate to the part where you get addicted to the high of destroying and bringing to ruin people who have been dumb enough to cross you or disadvantage you severely. The above is the dark side I have lived freely.

The second aspect of this darkness is misery. I avoid this like the plague, until I have one of my rare catharsis days where I let it sweep over me and pass through me. This has been a point of growth.



> - Have you ever lived this out? What were you like on the inside? On the outside?


Lived the destructive darkness out? Yes 

Inside- hungry for more, intent on consuming and destroying, sparking life in the tomb of my own heart- from the the ruins of those foolish enough to have crossed me majorly and way overstepped their bounds or hurt the very few people I love, high on anger- weaponizing the same.

leaving puncture wounds and dismantled minds, plans, loves, bloodied pasts and dust behind. 

none of the above gave me the satisfaction i had anticipated. i have no regrets, but crap like this doesn't have the kind of blood metallic deliciousness one imagines. it's more like ...that's it? moving on.

Outside- triumphant, focused, happy



> - Do you fear this potential in yourself? Do you embrace it?


The only thing I fear is misery and the depths of my own grief and turmoil. I don't 'embrace' it. I do process it in healthy ways, poetry being one example. 



> - Did this darkness manifest in your behavior or mindset as a child in any way?


The destructive kind..yes

I wasn't insane XD or a 'bully' (although I did have fun fucking with and putting so called bullies on their ass, for my own amusement), but yes I often broke things in anger, including people's peace of mind lol, and was fairly insensitive, at times callously so, except towards poor children, disabled folk and small animals. This is part of where my dad's compassionate influence comes in. I've grown tremendously since. I also made disturbing as fuck paintings about decapitated bodies and other such shit, and this long predated war, abuse etc. It was a product of my precocious intelligence and self-expression. Psychiatrists found nothing wrong, as my mother whines. :laughing: 



> Enneagram:
> - What is your type, tritype, variants, MBTI?
> - Do you relate to the number associated with your disintegration line? If so, how?


731/371/738/378 sp/sx XXTJ

disintegration line my ass. :3 
Dis to withdrawn types looks a lot like depression, ptsd relapse etc. i don't pay much attention to them, for typing purposes anyway. but yes, my behaviour has fit the 8--5 deal. following the failure, ptsd and deaths in the fam, i appeared like classic 3---9. overall, i can def see elements of 7---1 in terms of becoming more and more critical, condescending, demanding, hypocritical, in parts self-critical and turning anger and discontentment outwards in mocking displays of superiority. 

can be looked at many different ways, given my life's complexity and my own history of trauma and overcoming depression.


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## Animal (May 29, 2012)

@Cosmic Orgasm
You're right, wounds and darkness are not the same. I should have made that more clear. I wrote "Wounds or darkness" because this way people could pick one or the other, or if they are tied together they could tie them together. But it wasn't clear in my wording. And that is an important point.

As for the rest of the post - intense.


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## 7rr7s (Jun 6, 2011)

This is going to get pretty dark, just a warning...*

- What, would you say, is the deepest wound or darkness in yourself?*

I have one main wound that opened me up to my darkness, but I don't think they are the same thing. There's darkness in everyone but to what degree that manifests in someone can vary. 
*
Wound(s):*

My wound happened in late childhood. Now, everyone suffers wounds in childhood to some extent, but this one really fucked with me. I grew up in a stable home, with very loving and supportive parents. My childhood was pretty much perfect, and it was this idea of perfection that made it worse. When I was 8 I found out my father was having affairs and cheating on my mother. I was the only one who knew and I didn't know what to do. Should I tell someone? Should I keep it to myself? Will they get a divorce? The idea of them divorcing and ruining the whole family, was too much for me, so I decided to not say anything. The worst was the trust. Up until then I trusted people, but who are you supposed to trust if you can't even trust the people who are supposed to care for you ect. 

So after that I stopped trusting people. And I had alot of anger and hurt going on inside, just fucking with me. But I couldn't talk to anyone about it because I was the only one who knew. I hated having that burden, having that secret. So I used it to my advantage and I got into trouble. Just stopped caring about everything. Up until that point I was A+ honor roll student, but after that I stopped caring about grades. Got into drugs, sex, started fights and acting out, breaking any and every rule I could. Because no matter what kind of trouble I got in with my parents, I knew I could hold this over my dad's head. I could take down the whole family in a matter of minutes. I fought him once and my mother had to break us up. But I was so close to just letting it all out right then. 


Another wound I haven't explored too much, but probably has significance is the feeling of being alone, being different, or not feeling like I fit in. I'm not sure if it was due to race, being adopted, my disability, being introverted, being highly emotional, or what. I was bullied only briefly, but the girls I couldn't exactly hit. Perhaps it goes deeper with feelings of being unwanted or worthless too. Anyways, I'm not sure how much of it affected me, and I'm kind of afraid of exploring it because it might be pretty traumatic. But eventually I got pissed off with everything and just gave the finger to the world and did my own thing. I rejected the world before it could reject me and I aimed to be better than it. I chose to thrive in spite of it. I think that's how darkness manifested itself in me. 


I also have a dark side. There's a side of me that is sadistic, vengeful, murderous, destructive, savage, and cold blooded. Especially if I am hurt, betrayed, or made to feel inferior. Or when I see it done to others that I care about. The other side of this is straight nihilism. I don't care about who I hurt or if I hurt myself. I lose faith in humanity and want to just blow up the sun and destroy it all. And when it comes to enemies... I get a sick pleasure from hearing about their misfortunes, of fantasizing about misfortunes befalling them; imagining them after the loss of a loved one, after financial ruin, after their reputation has been ruined, after they get a terminal illness, after they lose their job. Or them coming to me in their time of need and me denying them help. Smiling at their pain. Reveling in it. 

I also have a fascination with the dark side. When I was younger it was like looking at a car crash. I couldn't turn away, and I had to see how dark things really were. The rabbit hole goes very deep, and back when the internet was still the wild wild west for the most part, it was just a click away. Seeing images of people beaten to death, or shot, beheaded ect. Seeing videos of women being raped, or someone being killed. Child porn. Snuff films. It got very very dark. That's when I stopped caring about things and became really nihilistic. 

The other dark side is depression. I lose focus, stop caring about everything, try to throw myself into something to delay it, and then I just numb out. I just go through the motions, and don't even want to get out of bed. Just want to sleep all the time. Lose interest in the things that used to bring me joy. Lose motivation. Just turn into an empty shell. I try to ignore it at first but the it's like one loss after another and all of a sudden I'm really depressed and it's a struggle to just get through the day. 


*

- Have you ever lived this out? What were you like on the inside? On the outside?*

I've lived out dark things yes. With rage, my only focus is to destroy them. In a physical fight, I want to just punch their face into a bloody pulp. I've had friends physically restrain me from attacking this kid with a golfclub after he made fun of my disability. In a verbal fight, I want to damage them emotionally beyond any repair and destroy them. Scar every beautiful innocent thing about them so that even when they heal from it, they will have the scar and they will know who gave it to them. I've also been known to throw things, break things, punch through walls and doors, scream, yell, and destroy anything in sight. That's on the outside. On the inside, I'm thinking _You just fucked up and you're about to realize it. I am going to fucking destroy you and show you no mercy even when you beg for it. Test me motherfucker, I dare you. I DARE YOU. 
_
With dark actions, I kind of explore my dark side. Or I don't care, just do it. Like with drugs for instance. People are afraid of drugs or they have a stigma about them, but I said fuck it I'm going to do it and I'm going hard. Blowing a line of heroin and drinking whiskey after coming down off of crack. Because I can. In a way, for me it's kind of mocking death too. Tasting it a little. Seeing how far I can push it. Other dark things like exploring the sex industry, scams, drugs, and shady parts of town where I could have easily been killed, arrested, or put in serious harm. For me, I think it's knowing that I am capable of that. 

There's also comfort knowing that I have the power to destroy someone if it came down to it. I don't necessarily find joy in that, especially if it's someone I care about or am close to. Even with people I would never ever do that to, or with animals or something. It's almost kind of like an intrusive thought type of thing, but I know that I can hurt them emotionally psychologically and/or physically. I even think of that with myself too. I'll hold my adams apple and think about how I could rip out my throat if I wanted to, or when I'm lying down, I think about how easy it would be to break my own neck if I wanted to. 

As far as dark night of the soul depression stuff, once I know I'm going through a depression, I try to hit the lowest point as soon as I can. I isolate myself as much as possible and just tear open my wound. Rip my own heart out of me, just explore the darkness. I welcome it at that point. I try to go inward and sit with my pain. The darkness gives me an edge. I know what I am capable of and when something that would make a normal (anyone who doesn't have depression) person down, is nothing compared to the level of sadness I've gone through. 

It also influences my music and my writing. It gives it a jolt and a depth that I don't think would be in it if it weren't for my pain. When I play or when I write, I want to move people to powerful emotions, but in order to do that I have to have experienced them myself. I bleed so they can be distracted from their own bleeding. I bare myself so they can not think of their own nakedness. I burn so they can warm themselves from the heat. *



- Do you fear this potential in yourself? Do you embrace it?*

I fear it in the same way I fear a gun or fire. Yeah, in the wrong hands or if you don't know what you're doing, it can be very damaging, but I think if you fear your dark side, you haven't explored it enough yet. I embrace the fact that I'm comfortable with it. To give an example, I always hear people saying they don't know if they could ever do something like kill a person if they were threatened, or make some other sort of hard call. I know that I can and I would if it came to it. It's other people who should fear my darkside.

*
- Did this darkness manifest in your behavior or mindset as a child in any way?*

I got pretty angry and agressive at times. I remember one time when I had to get my blood drawn, they needed 9 nurses to restrain me and hold me down because I was so rage mode after being pricked with the needle. 

I also used to brood alot by myself. I always remember feeling alone, and apart from the other kids my age. I still do in many ways. 

I've always been fascinated and drawn to suicide as well. I've only been actually suicidal a few times in my life though. I'm not sure where the fascination comes from either, but I just thought I'd throw it out there. 

*Enneagram:
- What is your type, tritype, variants, MBTI?*

3w4 7w6 8w9. Sx/So. INFP. It's been suggested I may also be a 4, a 7, an 8, an ENFP and an ISFP before, but I doubt it. 
*
- Do you relate to the number associated with your disintegration line? If so, how?*

Yes. Although disintegration to 9 resembles depression, so it's hard to tell when it's actually just depression, although it is probably a mix of things.


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## d e c a d e n t (Apr 21, 2013)

Animal said:


> @_Cosmic Orgasm_
> You're right, wounds and darkness are not the same. I should have made that more clear. I wrote "Wounds or darkness" because this way people could pick one or the other, or if they are tied together they could tie them together. But it wasn't clear in my wording. And that is an important point.


Eh, I thought it was clear enough. Saying "X _or _Y" does not imply the two are the same.

(Might give a proper answer to this topic, but I'm still thinking of what to say to the questions.)


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## Lunar Light (Jun 6, 2013)

It hurts to write all of this. To expose myself completely, because as incredibly open as I almost always am...I've... Well, I've just never wanted to lay this all out in its entirety, to bare all of this to the world because it's just so, so much and I'm still so deeply connected to the pain. But I know that I desperately need to let go of that—I've clung to it for as long as I can remember. Because letting go has always felt like ripping out a piece of my heart, a piece of me because I'd feel like I'm abandoning who I used to be...that hurt little girl. I want to hold her close and love her like no one else did, but I can't do that. I can't do that anymore because she takes away from who I am now. Because..._I am more than my pain._ 

My deepest wound will always be people, but especially my own parents. Parents who tore me apart from the inside out.

I was originally an extraordinarily happy child. Adventurous, with a certain spunk that shined brightly in everything I did, especially my smiles and laughs. I had this exuberance that I tried to share with everyone around me. Life was just great and I loved it and people, so much. But that faded when my family moved away, something that my father insisted upon primarily because he felt like I had too many friends where we were located and I was too attached to them...and that apparently would interfere with my studies. Education was more important than social relations. 

That naturally made me sad. It didn't help that my new neighborhood's kids were largely unwelcoming toward me, too. I ended up hanging around my brother a lot, who lived a sedentary life constantly playing video games...which meant that I did too. And that was...not good. I was always a big eater, but it never mattered before because I was so ridiculously active with my old friends. It mattered now that we had moved, though, because that was no longer true. I gained weight.

...And that one thing led to my entire family shunning me. My father, once my best friend and the man who taught me to love life and approach it with childlike wonder and enthusiasm just like he did, now looked at me as if I were no longer his daughter, but some ugly beast. And he told me so, too. Screamed it at me, would never let me forget it. That hurt the most. I loved him so much. He was my hero...but not anymore. My mother, once so gentle and kind and who always spoke so softly and lovingly, now only reserved harsh, piercing words and disapproving, scathing looks for me. Nothing I did was ever good enough for her anymore. My brother, once so caring and whose face used to light up just at my presence, now openly mocked me and threatened me, going so far as to actually deal physical blows whenever my parents weren't looking for being annoying, stupid, ugly, and most of all...fat. If I said anything or cried out, that meant he'd hit me harder whenever my parents were out of the house.

So things changed. My brother started treating me as if I were contaminated and anything I touched, he would not be okay with. My parents didn't know how to control that, so they tried to go with it. They made it normal to treat me as if I were sub-human and inferior, as if I were dirty and disgusting and that was just a part of who I was. That always stung so much, and hurt as it made me, I couldn't help but believe it. Everything pointed to something being wrong with me; while this was going on, my parents fought constantly about whose fault it was for "messing up" with me. The kids at school always rejected me, too. 

Whoever I used to be, I couldn't be that person anymore. I didn't know how to be so happy and smiley and enthusiastic anymore. My parents wouldn't let me, even if I could. Almost all they would let me think about was how ugly and overweight I was, how I'd be so pretty or amazing if I weren't that way. I...didn't know how to change, though. They put so much pressure on me and I just, ...I just didn't want to think about it. It was demoralizing. I didn't want to think of how I was...not good enough. And I guess by that point I had already given up on being anything more. So I tried instead to steer their attention toward other things. Like my phenomenal academic ability, which I focused all my energy on. I had to be perfect in every other way.

But that only separated me even more from my peers. Not only was I Chinese and overweight and tall, I was some freaky brainiac. And they hated me more and more as time went on. Because I was different, and below them, yet at the same time I was far better at school. I didn't seem to belong anywhere, ever. 

Not with those kids, who labeled me as "nerd" and "weird"...and wouldn't let me be anything else. Not with my family, who labeled me as "fat pig" and wouldn't let me be anything else, either. 

I guess that always stuck with me. That...not only did they treat me so horribly, but they denied me even my _identity_. I didn't know who I was or could be because it seemed everything I was...was rejected. Even my intelligence, with my parents. They just couldn't believe I could be special. They always told me that it was circumstantial, essentially. That it was only because school wasn't very hard until high school...which to _some_ extent is true, yes, but it was like... It was like anything I had was fleeting. And that I could only be average or below average.

That's the gist of it.

It's hard not just feeling but _knowing_ that my parents are the primary reason that I'm a core 4. _Knowing_ that things would have been different if X, Y, and/or Z did not happen. But even given the chance, I don't think that I would change a single thing. I am who I am and I think I've gained more than I've lost here. And I've realized that...as much as these people may have changed me, they could never negatively touch the core of who I am and what I stand for. I never truly lost myself. I've still got so much love, life, heart, and energy for the world. I'm still...me!

---

My deepest darkness is connected to the wound...that I could be just like these people I've mentioned. Just as discriminatory, hateful, elitist, and that I could shame people to make myself feel better. Have I ever lived this out? Yes, once, with a friend when I was eleven. On the inside, I was just so hurt and frustrated and briefly wanted to express it in a negative way. On the outside, I hid it as much as possible. Buried myself in books and games up until that point. I don't fear nor do I embrace this potential because I don't think I could ever do that again as I don't really see it or even darkness itself as a part of me. People are so dear to my heart and I don't want to hurt them like that. Answered last question already through answering others.

Enneagram:
4w3-7w6-1w2 so/sx, ENFP

Yes, I do believe I relate quite a bit to type 2; essentially I think I tap into it in an attempt to satisfy my type 4 core. Honestly, that's probably pretty evident from what I've written here.


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## d e c a d e n t (Apr 21, 2013)

Well, this thread seems to have somewhat gone to shit, but I spent over an hour writing this, so I'll post it anyway.


*-What, would you say, is the deepest wound or darkness in yourself?
*Lets see, my deepest wound? It's a bit hard to say, because even though my life hasn't been that hard overall, every experience feels like it adds a crack in my soul in some way. Some are smaller than others, but they still contribute to the overall picture of my soul. 

I'll be nice and spoiler this so anyone can easily skip over this if they aren't interested in my woe-is-me-story.


* *





Unlike some people here, I didn't have to deal with a family that didn't love me. Which I guess makes me very fortunately, but I gotta admit, sometimes it made me feel a little uncomfortable too. A little smothered, I guess? So when they showed me too much affection I would usually withdraw/push them away. On the other hand, I did want the approval of people who didn't seem to like me.  Not that I did much to try and actually _gain_ it, I just worried a lot about people not liking me. To this day it kind of baffles me that anyone actually enjoys my presence. I don't think I would want to be my friend, unless it was out of pity. I do feel fortunate for never being abused or anything, though. What I don't feel happy about?...

I guess I never took well to moving away when I was 11. I had to move away from my best friend, and now that I'm older I figure we probably would have drifted apart over time anyway, but at the time it felt like a big loss. Then I moved to live in a small place in the middle of nowhere, where I had no friends while also feeling like I could have no anonymity because it was the kind of place where everyone knew each other. Kind of suffocating. I had a hard time adapting, but then I didn't actually want to adapt either. I just felt trapped because I really didn't like the place, and there was nowhere I could go on my own. 

When I turned 18 I moved out as soon as I could, and returned to the city I had grown up in before I moved, but even now that I've lived here for more than 6 years, the feeling of being "trapped" still remains, and it will probably remain no matter where I go. It's a bit hard to explain, but it could have something to do with lower-order Si making it hard to deal with change.

I also didn't take too well to getting into puberty when I was around 10 years old. It's such a natural thing, but I believe I was the first among my peers to get there, so it felt a little alienating. It didn't help that I was bad at preventing leakage, leading to some embarrassing moments in school. =P Also, while I've always been a big kid, and felt somewhat jealous of my more petite friends, I think growing curves made me more grossed out with my body. I still kinda wish I had a slimmer more androgynous build, even though people love to go on about how ~men love curvy women~ in order to make women feel better about themselves (because what is more important than being seen as desirable, right).

Hmm, I guess I am a bit of a prude, even though I'm also a perv. =P While I like the thought of being sexual, I don't like the thought of being sexualized. If that makes sense. I'm such a gross person, ugh.

Then when I was 15, I got lost in the woods, broke my back and by the time I was found, I believe I was 3 hours away from dying. However, while that experience might sound worse than the other stuff I went through, I never experienced it as that traumatic. What I remember most was how relieved I felt when I realized I had been found, and I was still alive. And afterwards people would be nicer to me than they were before (or at least let me be instead of picking on me), so overall it was kind of an uplifting experience. Overall the worst part is the shame I feel over how worried I made everyone.

On the other hand, I got hit by a car a few years back, and while I wasn't badly hurt... physically, no broken bones or anything like that, emotionally it messed me up a lot. I felt like I had lost all control, and while I had always been an uncertain person (not to be abusing buzzwords or anything, that's just the best word I can think of), after that incident I had lost my ability to feel safe, and it also felt like I would never be able to feel happy again. Although I've gotten over the worst of it by now, I still worry about dying every time I lie in bed and wait for oblivion.

Then, a year or two after that, I decided that I wanted to study animation, since I've had an interest in that for a while. I ended up doing really badly, though, and my teacher even said it was probably best if I dropped out (or something along those lines). That really did wonders for my already shaky self-esteem. 

And lately? I've been crying because I did badly when I tried to play Mafia. It was something that was supposed to be for fun, but it ended up really stressing me out, and I had to drop out. And it really feels like a metaphor for my entire life.




My darkness...


* *




@Gentleman Bastard 's post made me think of my own treatment of my pets when I was younger, because while I never beat any animals, I wasn't too gentle with my pets either (until I got older and realized they would likely get more cuddly/friendly if I treated them nicely), and I liked to imagine them suffering. Then I would draw pictures of Pokemon being tortured, which is harmless, but wtf lol. 

Meanwhile, I don't take pleasure from imagining myself inflicting violence on someone that pissed me off (or frustrated me), but I do get an urge to put them in their place. Which might not sound like a big deal, but it does make me feel guilty and pathetic. Usually I'm too much of a wuss to attempt it too, and can tend towards passive-aggression. And yeah, I can be vindictive in smaller ways. 

Growing up I was also a rather spoiled brat who would blame everyone (or everything) else for my problems. It wasn't until later on that I realized most of my problems were my own fault for being a terrible person. I would especially be very critical of my mom, and I can still feel repulsed by her even though she's just trying her best. I could also see myself becoming an abusive parent if I ever got children of my own (which is never happening), because I have so little patience with people. It doesn't take much for me to snap at my younger sisters, and I do want to beat them sometimes. I have a bit of a temper. ><

I also don't make life easy for anyone trying to help me, but I feel too helpless to figure anything out myself. 

There's probably more, but that's all I can think of at the moment. Although it's not even what I feel most ashamed of, but those things are a bit hard to explain. I guess I feel worst about any temptation I have to glorify myself. Really, I'm too humble and self-aware for any self-love (see what I did there).




*- Do you fear this potential in yourself? Do you embrace it?
*I don't quite fear it, but I do feel some preemptive guilt about it. I'm sure I haven't reached my darkest potential yet, but knowing it's there is often bad enough. It sometimes bothers me how much worse I could have been, and I already think I'm a pretty bad person.

*- What is your type, tritype, variants, MBTI?
*Tritype 694, in that order probably. MBTI type INFP.

*- Do you relate to the number associated with your disintegration line? If so, how?
*Well, I still think disintegration to 6 makes sense, but I guess I'm kind of 6ish by default too. I'm not sure how well disintegration to 3 fits. Closest I can think of is that I like finding someone I can look down on so I can feel better about myself.


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## Arya (Oct 17, 2012)

Animal said:


> "Special snowflake syndrome" is a biological imperative.
> 
> If we aren't biased to love our own child more than another child, or our own pets over other pets, there would be chaos.
> 
> ...


Totally agree, although what I was talking about is somewhat different. It's the whole idea of giving out participatory medals etc., because everyone is "special". It doesn't exactly push people towards striving. And it never made me feel all that great. Or everyone's special, so there's no need to strive for better. Just be your lazy flawed self and don't strive for more, because you're special whatever you do. Now I'm not saying don't appreciate people with their flaws and everything but that isn't a great attitude to give someone. And it's not an evolutionary advantage when kids get told over and over that they're "special" even when they're lazy sods who didn't work at all. what should they strive at that point? But yeah, what you're saying is definitely true.


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## RepairmanMan Man (Jan 21, 2012)

Hey look. I'll take the time to answer this.

*- What, would you say, is the deepest wound or darkness in yourself?*
This is one of those things that real life is teaching me. In prior times, I would have talked about how I'm just some sort of inherently messed up individual, or how my peers savaged me as a kid. I hate to think of myself as being "deeply wounded", but on the other hand, I am well in touch with my deepest darknesses.

As an adult I can honestly say I've seen my darker side come out in relation to other human beings. They're simply nothing to me, and these days I struggle not to hurt people. This is, of course, based on how the rest of humanity has treated me over the last several years, which I don't need to get into here. I think of it less as "woundedness" than as simply "darkness".
* 
- Have you ever lived this out? What were you like on the inside? On the outside?*
More in my mind than in reality (thank god). It's basically translated into a lack of an ability to care a) what happens to me and b) what I do to others. I live this every day.
*
- Do you fear this potential in yourself? Do you embrace it?*
No, I don't. It's simply part of who I am, and it's come out of me due to regrettable circumstances. I think most people fear their inner darkness, but I simply acknowledge it. Why be someone who evades the truth? We're all dark inside, all capable of immense acts of evil. I do not necessarily embrace this side of myself, but I own it, which is more than I can say for most others.
*
- Did this darkness manifest in your behavior or mindset as a child in any way?*
Nah. I had other issues as a kid. I've always accepted my darker nature, however.

*- What is your type, tritype, variants, MBTI?*
I seem to be some sort of reactive-type, ENTP. Hazard a guess at sx/soc.

*- Do you relate to the number associated with your disintegration line? If so, how?*
That depends on what you think my core type is. But I don't relate to 2 or 3, no.


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## Sina (Oct 27, 2010)

The other option, now that the poor _masochistic _Vanguard has tripped and fallen on his own sword with a lofl ban placing him in the infamous Perc hall of WTF, is for you, @_Animal_ to start the thread afresh. The mods could close this one, unless they'd just like to go the deletion route. Maybe moving posts from page 1 and 2, subsequent on-topic posts by @_Nonsense_ and @_holyrockthrower_ to the fresh thread would be a good idea. 

I agree with Grau's post above. A sensitive thread of this nature should not have been pissed on, and anyone with past trauma may find some of the offending posts by above mentioned troll triggering. It's best to either start again having this closed or to get rid of the posts going several pages back where his obnoxious trolling and ad hominems start.

___

p.s. @_Nonsense_, yes..gawd yes. XD


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