# Bad Sex. Really bad sex.



## Wisteria (Apr 2, 2015)

He sounds like an asshole to be bluntly honest. Unless he had a reason to think you were turned on, but it doesn't sound like the case here. I can see why he got angry if didn't tell him for months, but he's probably also insecure. Relationships are not just about how compatible you are personality wise. 

I'm probably going to get a lot of shit for making a post like this, but that is my opinion.


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## shameless (Apr 21, 2014)

Uh 

Ok

Hoping I don’t get a bunch of Pd off Female INFJs thinking I am blaming all of you or trying to type cast 

Just a general observation listening to one female INFJ though 
My sis (so we are close)
Omg you sound a lot like her

So
It is not that there is no validity in anything you’re saying 
There is

But just my observation of my sister is she always seems to think that if someone can’t read her thoughts and just know, than it’s somehow them. And not her perception ever.

Now you can’t change your feelings or chemistry all on your own or always control the level of passion you feel for someone

But the biggest thing sticking out to me here is simply the part where you have ownership in communicating, demonstrating, and expressing your needs, and not Living in a fairy tale where you presume that another entirely different person understands everything that makes you tick, furthermore internally evaluating in a delayed response where it can leave another person confused.

Again not dismissing your frustrations 
Not at all
But trying to maybe state some considerations for the future

It’s sort of emotionally irresponsible to lead someone on for six months not taking ownership of your own lack of passion felt but simply deflecting onto another person and their techniques. 

If you love him then step up and start leading by example hand cuff his ass and teach him some discipline by showing him what you want yourself. Rather than blaming him for something you have allowed to go on for a while. 

Of course what you describe sounds very remedial but I can’t help but feel a bit bad for the guy being blindsided with that after 6 months.

Anyways no clue if you do this but worth thinking about...

My sis has a natural subconscious pattern of unintentionally friendzoning guys desiring companionship and sort of blocking out her initial lack of passion basing her choice on practical but surface assessments of pro & con
A lot like you listed

Just thought I would put out there maybe the real issue is the lack of passion from both sides (not just his approach)

Either get on the saddle and take control if he is worth it

Or let him go


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## shameless (Apr 21, 2014)

Wisteria said:


> He sounds like an asshole to be bluntly honest. Unless he had a reason to think you were turned on, but it doesn't sound like the case here. I can see why he got angry if didn't tell him for months, but he's probably also insecure. Relationships are not just about how compatible you are personality wise.
> 
> I'm probably going to get a lot of shit for making a post like this, but that is my opinion.


IMO

He sounds out of touch

If I had to guess he is likely a stronger surface male who has probably gotten by on something like charm, mixed with either good looks or status.

I think it’s highly likely while he himself is stunted and likely has lacked being challenged. I.e. He probably dates women who don’t confront their own needs direct to him. So it’s doubtful he has been challenged to step out of his comfort zone.

Sounds more stagnant 

But not much different than how it appears of the women going along 

I.e. my speculation is all on all sides sound like assholes for different reasons
Unintentional assholes that is

He doesn’t seem anymore self motivated than someone on the other end going along for security, comfort, or surface pros 
All sounds superficial on all sides 
So both sides get what they get
That’s is my view

Not upset by your post just thought I would expand my own view


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

Sensational said:


> Uh
> 
> Ok
> 
> ...



What she said. roud:


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## pwowq (Aug 7, 2016)

I agree with so many. Take control or leave.


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## Necrofantasia (Feb 26, 2014)

**deep sigh**
If you need to take away ONE thing from this post let it be this:

*MIND READERS DON'T EXIST*

Now the highlights. 



another number said:


> We're both in our early 30s so we can't chalk it up to maturity.


This isn't a question of maturity, it's a question of experience, a question of of him not being told how to do things right. 
If you're just lying down like a Thanksgiving turkey, not communicating, you suck at this as much as he does, for different reasons. 




another number said:


> Last night he was doing the usual, and mid sex I had to get up to pee.


If you need to pee, you're no longer aroused, it's a mechanism in both sexes to keep the waste off the reproductive process.
The exception to this rule of course is whenever G spot stimulation is involved. 




another number said:


> _how in the hell could he not know that I'm not enjoying the sex?_


How could he know? Have you done anything to show him how to do it correctly? Are you communicating? It seems until you opened your mouth he thought you were just difficult, instead of realizing he wasn't getting results due to technique. 



another number said:


> How the hell can he think any women would enjoy this kind of sex and lack of foreplay?


Porn culture. Men learn about sex from porn, which distorts reality to appeal more to (male centric) fantasy. Which generally involves women being self maintaining flesh furniture with no desires of their own except whatever gets off the males and boosts their ego. 

It basically has resulted in a generation of sexually incompetent men that not only have ridiculous ideas regarding anatomy and execution, but also have too much ego to explore and communicate in order to improve... toxic masculinity casts a long shadow.

Feedback during sex is uncomfortable for people because there's usually a knee-jerk inadequacy ego reaction that comes with being corrected on something they have been culturally taught to stake their validity as human beings on. No one likes to give or receive feedback with such high stakes.

Also educating yourself about sex is something that doesn't cross the minds of most people, because reading is for nerds and sex is for cool, socially competent winners which is why we get women like you, and men like him. 



another number said:


> Foreplay to him is touching me to see if I'm wet (I'm not) then wetting his fingers and roughly inserting them to _get_ me wet (it's uncomfortable), then his penis. All within 45 seconds. He doesn't stop to think to himself _why is she not wet, and what can i do?
> _


 Wetness is not a reliable indicator of arousal because a woman can be aroused and dry. 
Also lubrication levels usually are higher in the morning even with no arousal, simply because biology. 



another number said:


> While the lack of foreplay makes the sex uncomfortable and impossible for me to orgasm, the lack of the desire to really _make love_ and have it be a long, fun experience between us two _is such a turn off_. I've literally cried into my pillow as I got slammed from the rear, thinking of a lover, with whom I had mindblowing sex with, thinking;
> _
> why doesn't he have sex with me like he loves me?_


....why are you conflating sexual competency and love? 

It's basically like asking "Why can't you land a plane by intuition? Don't you want to live?" 

Consider getting your ex lover in touch with your boyfriend, so they can swap notes, because I guarantee you there was nothing magical about whatever that ex did. 



another number said:


> Schooling him on how I like sex won't be a minor adjustment, or tweak here and there. Which may be why I'm so apathetic about doing it. In some way I resigned myself to just deal with bad sex, because the relationship is great in every other way. But I guess it is really important to me. The emotional aspect of sex is missing here.
> 
> To some extent I blame porn, because this is straight up porno style sex, people.
> I think porn influences men to think women like this kind of sex. And maybe some do..
> ...


This irks me... Love is a verb. It's DOING. if you're too lazy to teach him what you want, get out. Don't just create a pity party for yourself and quietly resign to be a victim of something that is easily fixable with communication.

He's shown you he wants you to teach him. If he can learn, is proactive and he puts in the effort, isn't teaching him the normal thing to do if you love him?

Why won't you have sex with him like you love him? @*another number*?


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## Amine (Feb 23, 2014)

His reaction wasn't the best but seems understandable, it's a pretty tough thing to be confronted with. All at once, he felt:

1. Surprise; caught off guard, pressured to respond quickly

2. Inadequacy, unattractiveness, humiliation because you aren't into his sex, which he didn't even know about for a long time. 

3. Confusion about what to do, if there is even anything _to_ do. Guys think/know that a girl wants a confident guy. I doubt he sees being given instructions as something that will be attractive to you, and maybe he is right about that.

4. Fear, because if you are so unsatisfied your are bringing it up, he has a good chance of losing you. And if he got dumped over this and nothing else, it would be especially humiliating.


People like to tell how they think to solve the problem, but maybe there is no solution. Maybe he's just bad at it or doesn't have good chemistry with you in bed.

That he got upset means he cares though. He obviously wishes you were satisfied and is probably worried he can't. It's a daunting thing, pleasing another person, because there's a million ways to do it and a million ways to do it wrong and you just never know for sure what they are enjoying and what they aren't. 

I kind of wonder if everything really is that great outside of the bedroom. I dunno.

I doubt porn had anything to do with it.


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## Nicholasjh1 (Feb 6, 2018)

I can't really get into your boyfriends skin, but I can say from my side my relationship with my x-wife there was a huge lack of chemistry. I'd try things and it would just not work for her, eventually it became more mechanical. There was always something getting in the way for her, but in reality I think it was just a lack of chemistry. Almost all partners after her were much more passionate, involved and reciprocal, it was so much easier. I took a lot of it on to myself, only to find out in the end that somehow we just really weren't compatible, as in it wasn't me... and it wasn't her.


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## Zosio (Mar 17, 2015)

I'll just say this: _please_ be wary of the Ni-dom assumptions trap. It's probably more of an INFJ thing than even an INTJ thing, but we have a penchant for assuming that others can read us as well (or at least somewhat) as we can read them. _We_ may be paying attention to every little cue and trying to do the math in our head -- whether we want to or not -- but most other folks don't work this way. 

With that in mind, INFJs need to try their darndest at being proactive when it comes to communicating thoughts and feelings which may result in a conflict if they go unaddressed. As nice as having a partner who can read our minds would be, we can't place that burden on them. We can't presume that they're intentionally doing things to hurt us; it's most likely that they simply don't know.


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## Eren Jaegerbomb (Nov 13, 2015)

IDontThinkSo said:


> He's gay.


>_> ....


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## Eren Jaegerbomb (Nov 13, 2015)

Zosio913 said:


> I'll just say this: _please_ be wary of the Ni-dom assumptions trap. It's probably more of an INFJ thing than even an INTJ thing, but we have a penchant for assuming that others can read us as well (or at least somewhat) as we can read them. _We_ may be paying attention to every little cue and trying to do the math in our head -- whether we want to or not -- but most other folks don't work this way.
> 
> With that in mind, INFJs need to try their darndest at being proactive when it comes to communicating thoughts and feelings which may result in a conflict if they go unaddressed. As nice as having a partner who can read our minds would be, we can't place that burden on them. We can't presume that they're intentionally doing things to hurt us; it's most likely that they simply don't know.


Sometimes I'm good at reading people and sometimes I'm way off the mark... :/


But this is handy information to know. Thank you.

~~~~~

So yeah, like everyone else is saying at OP why didn't you tell him you didn't like it the first time around?


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## Veggie (May 22, 2011)

Sensational said:


> If you love him then step up and start leading by example hand cuff his ass and teach him some discipline by showing him what you want yourself. Rather than blaming him for something you have allowed to go on for a while.


I can't speak for OP, but handcuffing a dude would completely defeat the point of showing him what I want, as that sort of switcheroo would only be fun for me if good sex were already in place. If the way in which you have to tell or show a guy what you want turns you off in itself, then the game's already kinda lost.

I've compartmentalized friends and sex for a long time now though, so I can't relate to being in a situation like this for six months.

As far as all the mind readers don't exist stuff too... but they doooo. Sorta at least ime. When I think back to very good sex, it honestly was like the guys could kinda read my mind. I got spoiled for a while in thinking that this was more common than it is. It wasn't even always just sexual either. I remember sitting with someone on the couch once... they were seemingly caught up in a convo with someone else, and I merely started wondering what else was on TV... in that moment they inexplicably handed me the remote. One of many examples, but the first to come to mind. There was just this intuitive, voodoo, wavelength... something. 

So it's like, ideals can exist, but do you hold out for them or not. And something can be ideal even obtained in one or some ways but not in others. So pro's and con's lists do become your friend then. lol. Prioritization of what's most important to you. 

I agree with another poster that sometimes talking too much about this stuff can make it even worse also. The best sex is organic and without inhibitions imo. Put too much thought into it as it's happening and it dies. If you come at it like that, I guess "it's" either there or it's not. Or you have to be more crafty and sly in how you learn about each other in between encounters. I'm a big fan of non-verbal communication, and sex is the grand arena for this imo, lol.


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## Cthulhu And Coffee (Mar 8, 2012)

I can't say exactly why he's making these mistakes, but it sounds like he does care and does want to try (just based on what you've said.) I mean there are many possible reasons why this is happening. It's like, someone could be a bad kisser and still be in love, but admitting they're a bad kisser can be daunting, so they just do the same shitty things in hopes that they're still good enough as a whole for you to overlook it. Pride could easily be a thing here. It's hard to show love in a certain way when you're not confident in your abilities to do said thing. And sex is a pretty crucial thing for most men in that way. 

My advice is to explain what you like as much as possible, but also...this might seem silly, but there is porn for women you could show him (check out the site Forhertube if you want.) It's pretty damn good. XD Also erotica. And you could make it into a really sexy thing, like..watch something together and have him do some of it to you at the same time, and then vice versa with what he likes. I don't know. Multiple ways to get creative with this.


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## drmiller100 (Dec 3, 2011)

hufflepunk said:


> ..this might seem silly, .


certainly silly. she should take responsibility for communicating her needs??????

pshaw. Dump the asshole if he can't read her mind!!!


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## Cthulhu And Coffee (Mar 8, 2012)

drmiller100 said:


> certainly silly. she should take responsibility for communicating her needs??????
> 
> pshaw. Dump the asshole if he can't read her mind!!!


I wasn't talking about that, lol, so please don't take what I say out of context. I think he's partly at fault for clearly never having TRIED to understand the female body. Even I did some research before my first time, letalone down the line, without anyone having told me to. It's just common sense.


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## Rascal01 (May 22, 2016)

I find this post so sad as to be disheartening. Great sex can be one of the greatest joys and most satisfying experiences in life. To have it be unfulfilling, or something to be endured, is a condition almost beyond words.

Your complaint is something I have heard from women before. Their sexual experiences with some men had been less than lackluster. Encounters had been brief, the men urgently met their needs and desires, and the ladies left completely unsatisfied. The process would continue repeatedly until the relationship was ended.

I hesitate to say much more as I don’t want to be seen as portraying myself as “the sage of the sheets.” But I am certain of this... sex is a shared experience that is best experienced with love. Absent love, sex can be, and should be, enjoyable and rewarding for both parties. A self-serving and one-sided approach isn’t going to cut it for long.

I found the giving pleasure part of sex to be even more enjoyable than the receiving end of things. Mutually applied, it seemed to work well.

Your boyfriend could make things better by being less focused on self, and more considerate of your needs. I know that is blatantly obvious but I think it needed to be said. I can't offer a suggestion on how to get him to do that for you. A request to improve sexual performance is not something most men will take well.

When he walks through your door you two should be seeing fire in each other’s eyes and feeling joy in your hearts. When finished there should be satisfaction for both of you, as well as a building desire for your next encounter. If you are feeling reluctant to have sex with him, or continued dissatisfaction, you would do well to consider your options.

I hope you find a way to make your time together more enjoyable. You deserve better than what you are getting.


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## angelfish (Feb 17, 2011)

> While the lack of foreplay makes the sex uncomfortable and impossible for me to orgasm, the lack of the desire to really _make love_ and have it be a long, fun experience between us two _is such a turn off_. I've literally cried into my pillow as I got slammed from the rear, thinking of a lover, with whom I had mindblowing sex with, thinking;
> _
> why doesn't he have sex with me like he loves me?
> _


Wanted to respond to this bit to point out that I think your idea of having sex with you like he loves you is... well, your idea. I don't think it's really a one-size-fits-all... there are some fun "sex style" quizzes out there if you're ever curious to dig into it a bit. Some people interpret sex more as an emotional expression and some people interpret it more as a physical playground. I think one's "style" is sort of an individualized thing, and I'm guessing your partner is less relationship-focused when it comes to sex than you. He's clearly communicating his love successfully to you in other ways, so I think it makes sense to assume he really loves you and is just misunderstanding what you need/want when it comes to sex, and not that he's not interested or engaged.

And while I do think he should be more aware of you and your responses, it's worth noting that INFs (probably INFJs even more so) are used to being very observant of very small "tells" in others, but not everyone is very practiced at that. Figuring out what you want in bed just clearly isn't his natural strength. Btw - it's not necessarily easy for a guy to tell between wet because it's a naturally-lubricated internal organ versus wet enough for you to be comfortable. Do give him guidance with that - and remind him that it takes about 11 or so minutes of foreplay for a girl to get fully aroused. 

Anyway, a lot of others have made great points, most of all that communication is going to be your avenue to successfully addressing this. You're only 6 months in; I don't think it's a big deal. Just talk about it and practice. If you can get past the awkward beginning, it will probably be kind of fun and a bit like you just started dating again.


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## Veggie (May 22, 2011)

Realizing that I didn't really provide a solution... I might get crap for this, but with sensitive issues like sex I think that being a little bit indirect is sometimes the best way to go, especially if it's not just an issue of tweaking something minor. Like, you don't sit them down to watch the porn you like as if it's a homework assignment, you just "happen" to have it on or something, and comment on how hot you think it is, hoping that they pick up on that. A little manipulation is your friend in seduction, lol. You could get more direct from there if that doesn't work, but I personally think you try to scale up to it, focusing on positive reinforcement.

I briefly dated a much younger guy for a while, and he was very into the whole woke "let's talk about everything" philosophy of relationships, and it honestly weirded me out. Especially because if we're going to be direct, let's just be direct... but he wanted to take turns talking as if we were each other's kindergarten teachers. I thought that dating a younger dude might make me feel younger, but not like I was in kindergarten :laughing: It didn't feel "loving" to me, it felt patronizing and even triggered feelings of immaturity (am I five?) in a bad way. Like, maaaawwmmm, [he's] creeping me out! I don't even want him touching me, let alone f*cking me! It didn't feel authentic, and it definitely wasn't sexy. Idk, just my 2 cents.


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## drmiller100 (Dec 3, 2011)

hufflepunk said:


> I wasn't talking about that, lol, so please don't take what I say out of context. I think he's partly at fault for clearly never having TRIED to understand the female body. Even I did some research before my first time, letalone down the line, without anyone having told me to. It's just common sense.


Sarcasm. It is a thing. 

Common sense is so fucking common!!!!! 

So is mind reading.


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## InfiniteLightvoid (Jul 11, 2018)

What I never understood was why guys have the tendency to act like they have a PHD in female sexual pleasure, but have never once actually done any research into biological and psychological knowledge of how women tend to work?


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## drmiller100 (Dec 3, 2011)

InfiniteLightvoid said:


> What I never understood was why guys have the tendency to act like they have a PHD in female sexual pleasure, but have never once actually done any research into biological and psychological knowledge of how women tend to work?


does this work for you? Do you get invited back a lot?


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## InfiniteLightvoid (Jul 11, 2018)

drmiller100 said:


> does this work for you? Do you get invited back a lot?


Every experience I've had thus far, yeah. I definitely don't do "1 hit then quit it". For me it's either not at all, or I'll be smashin that at least 50 times in total over the long haul.

Pretty certain the last one was just using me for sex. Which is actually sad cause she's the hardest heartbreak I've went through. Still fall asleep at night wishing for some kind of miracle to bring that one back lol


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## JennyJukes (Jun 29, 2012)

Veggie said:


> I can't speak for OP, but handcuffing a dude would completely defeat the point of showing him what I want, as that sort of switcheroo would only be fun for me if good sex were already in place. If the way in which you have to tell or show a guy what you want turns you off in itself, then the game's already kinda lost.
> 
> I've compartmentalized friends and sex for a long time now though, so I can't relate to being in a situation like this for six months.
> 
> ...


Probably less about intuitive hoodoo voodoo but some people are better at picking it up cues. Like, maybe you sighed, or he saw you space out, so he gave you the remote to entertain yourself. Same during sex, maybe he picked up on subtle cues from what you were enjoying. I understand what you mean though, sometimes I've been thinking something for a long time and I eventually tell my boyfriend (after expecting him to read my mind smh) and him saying "I thought the exact same thing". It's also about being confident enough to act on those cues. If you have a comfortable relationship with someone and know they will communicate if they like or don't like something and you respect each other when they communicate that, then it'll be easier to act on these desires?

Probably the guys who are "reading your mind" have tried small, subtle things to see how you react before building up to the ... climax? roud: I'm sure there's some psychology and body language there.

It's definitely frustrating when you don't seem to be on the same level during sex, it puts your whole relationship at stake. "Why doesn't he show he loves me?" "Does he actually love me if he isn't loving/caring during sex?" but there seems to be some solution here, with a little communication.


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## septic tank (Jul 21, 2013)

You guys should talk about what you want from sex more with each other. Say exactly what you want, show him how to do it. It’s sounds like he blew up at you because he’s been dissatisfied too, and was afraid to bring it up with you until it all came out at once.

Also... maybe ask if he he’s happy in other parts of your relationship? Because all the things he said sounded serious to me. It could’ve been nothing, but I’d ask to make sure...

My boyfriend and I had bad sex for a while for a different reason, but we opened up to each other about the problem immediately and worked through it. Took a while because of the nature of the issue, but now sex is better than ever. 

I also like rough sex and I’m not much of a foreplay person, at all. I guess it’s because my head is always partially in the clouds, so I need something intense to get me out of it. So yea there are women who like rough sex.


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## Cthulhu And Coffee (Mar 8, 2012)

drmiller100 said:


> Sarcasm. It is a thing.
> 
> Common sense is so fucking common!!!!!
> 
> So is mind reading.


Sarcasm is great when it's detected, otherwise it's pointless. And anyway he gets no free pass for being utterly clueless, period. Moving on.


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## another number (Feb 26, 2013)

JennyJukes said:


> You speak about lack of foreplay but I don't see you mention the foreplay you give, or don't give, him?
> It's a two way street.


Good point, I didn't really get into that. I tried to initiate sex in the shower yesterday.. he asked me to go down on him a little. I did, and that ended up being it.
I initiate foreplay on him, to get myself aroused as well. But I almost think that it gets him so aroused he wants to get to business without reciprocating. A handjob turns into sex within minutes, a blowjob turns into the finale. Licking his body, and he guides me down to his penis.


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## JennyJukes (Jun 29, 2012)

another number said:


> Good point, I didn't really get into that. I tried to initiate sex in the shower yesterday.. he asked me to go down on him a little. I did, and that ended up being it.
> I initiate foreplay on him, to get myself aroused as well. But I almost think that it gets him so aroused he wants to get to business without reciprocating. A handjob turns into sex within minutes, a blowjob turns into the finale. Licking his body, and he guides me down to his penis.


You haven't stopped when he gets that excited and tell him to reciprocate? If he's asking _you _to go down on him, why can't you stop him and tell him what _you _​want?


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## another number (Feb 26, 2013)

changos said:


> Sounds really bad in diff levels, why are you there?


I think everyone is more or less right in their response; its as much my responsibility as his. I think it's taken me some time to realize its not going to get better unless I direct him, except I'm not much of a directing kind of person, like that would be hot. I've suggested some kinky options, lube included, but he is not sexually adventurous. This in itself has muted my desire to express what I want. 

For those who responded to this with cynical, blame-oriented responses.. well, the obvious is they don't know my personality or why I wouldn't automatically start guiding him how to touch me and talk dirty. It is my responsibility to let him know what I prefer, but I think its taken me time to move my head out of the space where I'm being fucked like a porno, and that's how he does it. I also think they're missing the element that this may actually be upsetting to some women, to the point where they rethink their entire relationship. 

I think men either have the timing, passion, desire to really _experience_ a woman's body. And it isn't something that can be taught, it has to be _wanted_. 

I'm here because I've been with some Grade A-holes who were fantastic in bed, but not good with the relationship side.
This guy is the most loving, supportive, reliable, fun, career driven, emotionally available, communicative person I've ever been with, and could imagine. The sex thing is the only down-part.

To follow up he apologized and we talked out what had happened and agreed to work on the sex.


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## another number (Feb 26, 2013)

@Sensational @Wisteria

He's not an asshole.. He's Latin American :smug:
And this post is about sex, not our story. I'll go ahead and disregard assumptions and judgements of character.


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## drmiller100 (Dec 3, 2011)

another number said:


> I also think they're missing the element that this may actually be upsetting to some women, to the point where they rethink their entire relationship.
> 
> To follow up he apologized and we talked out what had happened and agreed to work on the sex.


I totally agree there are some asshole men in the world. And there are some women who don't have the confidence to say what they need. 

It is really awesome when the lady talks and the guy listens. I wish you the absolute best.


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## another number (Feb 26, 2013)

Nell said:


> Why won't you have sex with him like you love him?


In other words, What is wrong with you and why won't you do what I am comfortable doing right away?
:apthy:
I attempt to stay away from inflammatory posts, and further feeding them.. so let's agree to disagree.. No one is having a pity party here, thanks.


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## another number (Feb 26, 2013)

Veggie said:


> As far as all the mind readers don't exist stuff too... but they doooo. Sorta at least ime. *When I think back to very good sex, it honestly was like the guys could kinda read my mind. I got spoiled for a while in thinking that this was more common than it is.*
> 
> So it's like, ideals can exist,_ but do you hold out for them or not. _ And something can be ideal even obtained in one or some ways but not in others. So pro's and con's lists do become your friend then. lol. Prioritization of what's most important to you.
> 
> I agree with another poster that sometimes talking too much about this stuff can make it even worse also. The best sex is organic and without inhibitions imo. Put too much thought into it as it's happening and it dies. If you come at it like that, I guess "it's" either there or it's not. Or you have to be more crafty and sly in how you learn about each other in between encounters._* I'm a big fan of non-verbal communication, and sex is the grand arena for this imo,*_ lol.


Yes, this is spot on. The best sex has been when I felt we were both inside each other, intuiting and responding, feeding and building incredible sex. It's definitely not common, but does exist. I agree with it being there or not, but am willing to go through this with him. If we get to the other side of this our relationship will be completely balanced. I'm not giving up!


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## another number (Feb 26, 2013)

hufflepunk said:


> there is porn for women you could show him (check out the site Forhertube if you want.) It's pretty damn good. XD Also erotica. And you could make it into a really sexy thing, like..watch something together and have him do some of it to you at the same time, and then vice versa with what he likes. I don't know. Multiple ways to get creative with this.


Love this! :hug:


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## Tropes (Jul 7, 2016)

another number said:


> In other words, What is wrong with you and why won't you do what I am comfortable doing right away?
> :apthy:
> I attempt to stay away from inflammatory posts, and further feeding them.. so let's agree to disagree.. No one is having a pity party here, thanks.


The inflammatory posts are making an important point though, because when you do communicate with your boyfriend you want to avoid inflammatory stuff, and as beddings on the sofa usually indicate, this is very flammable. 

So communication is good, but here's everything you probably don't want to communicate, probably ever:



another number said:


> While the lack of foreplay makes the sex uncomfortable and impossible for me to orgasm, the lack of the desire to really _make love_ and have it be a long, fun experience between us two _is such a turn off_. *I've literally cried into my pillow as I got slammed from the rear, thinking of a lover, with whom I had mindblowing sex with, thinking;
> 
> why doesn't he have sex with me like he loves me?
> *
> ...


Ok. Now, here's what I am reading from your boyfriend:
- It's not you who is always doing this, it's women who are always doing this, because you aren't the first he isn't satisfying.
- He is bringing up all the things he does for you, because on some level in the back of his head - more on the level of insecurity than conscious thought - he knows this, so he frames sex as something he gets in exchange for being a good boyfriend.

And that is not a great place for him to be in.

I don't know the solution that would work for you guys. I can tell you that @JennyJukes advice seems like the best option if he is responsive to that - if nothing else teasing brings the passion out, and if you're lucky he'll respond by teasing you in turn. I don't know him, but it would work on me.
If it doesn't work on him, you might need to go the directive instructional way you are trying to avoid, but consider it an investment, it will give him a chance to familiarize himself with how different sex is when you are into it and getting off, it will give him time to learn the cues, and it would probably be better for the overall dynamic between the two of you if he learns to think of sex as something awesome you do together rather then something he gets in an exchange.


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## Nicholasjh1 (Feb 6, 2018)

InfiniteLightvoid said:


> Every experience I've had thus far, yeah. I definitely don't do "1 hit then quit it". For me it's either not at all, or I'll be smashin that at least 50 times in total over the long haul.
> 
> Pretty certain the last one was just using me for sex. Which is actually sad cause she's the hardest heartbreak I've went through. Still fall asleep at night wishing for some kind of miracle to bring that one back lol


Glad to hear I'm not the only one who's ever felt this way, I mean theoretically I knew other men must have this problem but it's good to hear.


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## Veggie (May 22, 2011)

JennyJukes said:


> It's definitely frustrating when you don't seem to be on the same level during sex, it puts your whole relationship at stake. "Why doesn't he show he loves me?" "Does he actually love me if he isn't loving/caring during sex?" but there seems to be some solution here, with a little communication.


There's also the purely selfish concerns about not having your needs met. Like, who cares if this guy loves me or not, if we're in a monogamous relationship and we stay together, am I destined to never have good sex again? I'd imagine that would be kinda scary.



another number said:


> Yes, this is spot on. The best sex has been when I felt we were both inside each other, intuiting and responding, feeding and building incredible sex. It's definitely not common, but does exist. I agree with it being there or not, but am willing to go through this with him.* If we get to the other side of this our relationship will be completely balanced. I'm not giving up!*


Well good luck  You're a better person than I. lol. I read the bit about him just finishing with a blowjob, and I don't think I'd be able to put up with that. I enjoy doing it, and if it almost felt taken advantage of... hmm. I mean, occasionally is all good, but is that a common occurrence? How do you feel about the teasing advice too? I'm not sure if I could fall into that as a pattern. I enjoy the more passionate, involved give and take, and I'd eventually (or quickly) get bored having to play that role or falling into that dynamic. But it's possible that it could just get you through this hump (heh) and that it wouldn't become the norm. It is encouraging that you guys have had good sex in the past.


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## Necrofantasia (Feb 26, 2014)

another number said:


> In other words, What is wrong with you and why won't you do what I am comfortable doing right away?
> :apthy:
> I attempt to stay away from inflammatory posts, and further feeding them.. so let's agree to disagree.. No one is having a pity party here, thanks.


Here's the thing I don't get. I would be utterly uncomfortable doing what you're doing right now i.e venting about him and his sexual incompetence on a public forum full of strangers. Not only that, I'd be constantly thinking that if the roles were reversed I'd feel humiliated and betrayed. But apparently talking to him, someone you trust enough to be in a relationship with, and showing him what gets you going is somehow...more uncomfortable than doing that? 

You can choose to dismiss my feedback just cause it isn't doused in sugar all you want, I'm not the one with the problem. 

And okay, sure, having nearly half your post dedicated to bemoaning your circumstances (complete with "woe-is-me-why-won't-he-read-my-mind?" remarks in italics) including comparisons to another guy and going at length about how you're resigned to have horrible sex because teaching him is no small task (basically stuff that is not instrumental to solving your problem at all) isn't a pity party. Sure, I'm kinda too sober for this one, but agree to disagree.


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## _Ionic (Jul 8, 2016)

I think there are more underlying issues present if he blows up like that because you communicated that you weren't enjoying yourself with him in sex. The response he provided to you was taken out of context to regards to the situation, and quite frankly I would figure out what kind of grievances he's carrying before bringing up the topic of your sex together. This seems like an issue that stems far outside the bed sheets and more into your relationship with him. But that's just my two cents.


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## Cthulhu And Coffee (Mar 8, 2012)

another number said:


> Love this! :hug:


I'm glad! I hope it works out for you


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## changos (Nov 21, 2011)

another number said:


> its as much my responsibility as his. I think it's taken me some time to realize its not going to get better unless I direct him, except I'm not much of a directing kind of person, like that would be hot.


That sounds fair, mutual responsibility, just don't fall on taking responsibility for his lack of awareness. In my personal opinion, sex just as spicy food shouldn't be a surprise on a relationships if you both took the time to get to know each other, that includes talking about sensitive topics (talking or trying them).



another number said:


> I've suggested some kinky options, lube included, but he is not sexually adventurous. This in itself has muted my desire to express what I want.


Some people have issues when they discover they aren't the sex masters they think they are, usually they refuse, IMHO specially if they are somehow attractive. I asked you why are you there because things sound really bad because... sex demands a lot of communication (of many diff kinds) including one of the trickiest: no words. Sometimes sex is like food, talking too much or explaining can hurt, while facial expressions and exploration help a lot. New couples need some adjustment sometimes. But my point stays: there are issues on communication, or someone just don't want to listen. I mean as a man myself if the woman is not properly lubricated... I only need 2 brain cells to understand the situation and the possible causes, approaches etc. _You have to talk, probably directly and probably indirectly too, all the communication you skipped when you entered the relationship_.



another number said:


> For those who responded to this with cynical, blame-oriented responses.. well, the obvious is they don't know my personality or why I wouldn't automatically start guiding him how to touch me and talk dirty. It is my responsibility to let him know what I prefer, but I think its taken me time to move my head out of the space where I'm being fucked like a porno, and that's how he does it. I also think they're missing the element that this may actually be upsetting to some women, to the point where they rethink their entire relationship.


Can't talk about them but sure I don't know you or your guy, but sure it sounds as not having a fluent connection and communication specially in bed. I don't think it's your full responsibility as kind of stated here, yes and no, I mean sometimes one has to explain things directly because the other person is not listening, or because the person didn't give any hints and created confusion as in later "I thought you enjoyed this". I can't talk about your communication, I just believe it's not the best, it's clear to me in your post.

Mark my words, you might disagree with me or just fail to see what I'm addressing, but mark my words:


another number said:


> I'm here because I've been with some Grade A-holes who were fantastic in bed, but not good with the relationship side. This guy is the most loving, supportive, reliable, fun, career driven, emotionally available, communicative person I've ever been with, and could imagine. The sex thing is the only down-part.


This doesn't surprise me, you are crossing a line, like moving from one world to another, sure you need adjustment. Grade A-holes can be good or not in bed, but sure they are a-holes, so this will take time, whenever someone comes from that background it's not a full transition, it takes time and steps. Now your original post sounds to me like going hand in hand to this. Just remember, many people (men and women) have gone from bad relationships (in some context or all) to other kind of relationships putting value on X when it's not just X, is ABCDEFG... etc. This might actually be a transitional relationship.



another number said:


> To follow up he apologized and we talked out what had happened and agreed to work on the sex.


Just beware of that, a lot of people coming from A-holes level relationships can fall into being too understanding of the other person allowing abuses, or over estimating the apologies after bad episodes.

Me: I don't think sex is the most important part of a relationship, it's just part of it. In many cases I think it's overrated, usually not underrated but... sure is important and you have to get along needing as little communication as possible. I mean the best communication is short and when there is compatibility most times you don't have to say a word. Also: cooking and sex, whatever, when your loved one is not having fun you immediately remove the spicy food, the pepper, the hot stuff that might burn, etc only rude people serve food steaming hot to burn you and fail to see your signs.

Good luck, let you two find our common ground.


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## IDontThinkSo (Aug 24, 2011)

drmiller100 said:


> Are you interested?
> 
> I think you're hawt!!!!


I'm hawt, but not interested.


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## Cherry (May 28, 2017)

Mmmm said:


> You are probably going to have to initiate your next encounter. Think about what you want, & tell him, you are going to show him. You don't need to talk during, but you may want to explain ahead of time, that what you really want to do is connect with him emotionally, because you love him. Tell him you want to go slow, & enjoy the experience together.
> 
> I agree that lube is important too, it will make a huge difference. Have a good old fashioned make out session, with pauses for eye contact. If he's doing something you enjoy, tell him, that feels good. It might be good for you to stay in control, while you are showing him, so that he doesn't get carried away. I think it's also important to be vocal (moans & such) if you are enjoying yourself. I know you probably aren't used to having to teach a lover what you like, but just look at it, as an investment in your relationship, be confident.


It's REALLY hard to initiate when you already know you won't be turned on at all...
I know your pain, OP.


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## Cherry (May 28, 2017)

ShashaCruz said:


> seems like you are enduring a toxic situation and should market yourself to find a dude that meets your expectations on everything than staying with this dysfunctional perv


I actually agree. 

Although not meeting expectations on 'everything', that's just not realistic. But if it's important to you and you know it won't change, listen to your gut, trust me on that one.


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## ShashaCruz (Jul 20, 2018)

I actually agree. 

Although not meeting expectations on 'everything', that's just not realistic. But if it's important to you and you know it won't change, listen to your gut, trust me on that one.[/QUOTE]

It is quite realistic if you make it mandatory from beginning of a relationship


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## Aridela (Mar 14, 2015)

another number said:


> I've been with my boyfriend for 6 months.
> We have bad sex.
> It's been the same from the start. He either pulls up my legs and speed humps or flips me over and speed humps.
> There is about two minutes of foreplay, if you count fumbling around my labias and breasts in an almost painful way.
> ...


Leave him. 

He seems to have what I call _Entitled 'nice' guy_ syndrome. ' I do x,y for you, therefore you have to do z'. Fuck that. Go find yourself someone who you can have good sex with AND a good life together. 

That being said, you're not off the hook either. You don't seem to communicate with him very much. You said he's your best friend? You should be able to talk to him about such things then. Take some initiative and use lube like others suggested. Tie him up and initiate foreplay yourself. You are a grown up woman, why take the 'damsel in distress' approach when you can be in control of your life and your sexuality?


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## Mmmm (Jul 6, 2012)

Candy said:


> It's REALLY hard to initiate when you already know you won't be turned on at all...I know your pain, OP.


If you aren't attracted to your partner, that is a separate problem. But, if you're in a sexual relationship, then being turned on, is not the sole responsibility of your lover, you have to know yourself first. If you don't know what turns you on, then how can anyone else know? Your pleasure, & sexuality are not dependent on your partner. You have to know what feels good, what doesn't, & if you don't know what gets you going, then find out. Knowledge is power, & you should be enjoying the experience as much as your lover, if not more. Another underlying issue could be someone's past sexual experiences, & dealing with any pain that still lingers from negative experiences. We have to be ready emotionally, & mentally, for sex, as well as physically.


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## another number (Feb 26, 2013)

angelfish said:


> _ it seems like your hurt feelings are leaking into blaming your partner for debasing you, or for not adequately wanting you, or for not really loving you. None of that really sounds true from everything you've told us. Just try to remember that what something means in your internal language doesn't necessary mean the same in his. Him not expressing emotion during sex doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't harbor those feelings of desire, passion, and love for you. It just means he's not expressing it during sex. If you need him to - bridge the gap and let him know._


Everything you said was wonderful, but this especially. I really needed to hear that. Thank you :hug:


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## another number (Feb 26, 2013)

MeltedSorbet said:


> Both relationships, when I tried to talk about sex it was generally shut down. I learned about them, but they didn't bother wanting to learn about me. I always hear of these people who actually have conversations with their partner about sex, and I've never really done that.
> 
> And I think porn can play a role in that--because if your partner watches porn, and you see the porn they watch, you can know what they like without them even telling you.


I've never had to talk about sex with a partner before. Which is part of why I'm kind of side-blinded here. I've just never had a guy have sex with me like this and be so clueless as to what a woman needs to get off.

While there needs to be more than sexual compatibility to make a relationship work, it's also critical because its a mirror of the love and bond between the two people. I understand that as an INFJ, I can't expect him to have the same wants and needs as me. 
But he is a sweet-as-pie ENFP, and we are very bonded and intuitive of one another. I just can't understand how he's so lost in bed.

As for the porn point.. this could be a whole other thread. I personally think its damaging and unhealthy. Impressionable young people adapt a shallow approach to sex.

In my research on all this (of course) I came across a website discussing various points against porn.

https://fightthenewdrug.org/how-porn-damages-consumers-sex-lives/

I'm not a total stiff. I watch porn very _very_ infrequently. More from a fascination perspective, especially that website chaturbate. It was kind of addictive at first, seeing different people in real time chatting and performing for other anonymous people. But my threshold for these things are low, and fascination quickly turns to repulsion. 

I don't think I'm as in my body as other people, To me, sex is the same act, different person, same bodies. So I don't understand cultural obsession with sex and body image. Sex with one svelt hunk is the same as sex with another svelt hunk if that's all you're in it for:hunk. So no, I don't want to have sex with the Calvin Klein model, simply because he's a CK model. 
It's mind blowing sex when your intuitions are making love as well.

It sounds like a good move that you got out of that relationship. When I read the bit about him prying your legs open I cringed a little. Not sure if this was a dynamic you both had and were comfortable with, but if not I'm glad you left.


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## nablur (Mar 9, 2017)

Candy said:


> It's REALLY hard to initiate when you already know you won't be turned on at all...
> I know your pain, OP.


why would you initiate at all if you arent interested? why BE with the person at all if you arent interested? 

sounds like a sad situation to be in =/


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## Cherry (May 28, 2017)

Mmmm said:


> If you aren't attracted to your partner, that is a separate problem. But, if you're in a sexual relationship, then being turned on, is not the sole responsibility of your lover, you have to know yourself first. If you don't know what turns you on, then how can anyone else know? Your pleasure, & sexuality are not dependent on your partner. You have to know what feels good, what doesn't, & if you don't know what gets you going, then find out. Knowledge is power, & you should be enjoying the experience as much as your lover, if not more. Another underlying issue could be someone's past sexual experiences, & dealing with any pain that still lingers from negative experiences. We have to be ready emotionally, & mentally, for sex, as well as physically.


You've way misunderstood. Why write so much in response to my vague words about a situation you don't understand, AND assume I don't know what works for me? 

It's actually very simple. As you stated in the first sentence before the rest of the irrelevant babble, attraction is key. I tried to push it aside with my moral mind, thinking it doesn't matter or it would all change eventually. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you just can't force things. 

But unlike the OP, I wouldn't say there were too many other great things that outweighed that, so...yeah. just overall kinda crappy.

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk


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## Cherry (May 28, 2017)

nablur said:


> why would you initiate at all if you arent interested? why BE with the person at all if you arent interested?
> 
> sounds like a sad situation to be in =/


It's complicated.  

But it's over now, thankfully.

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## Mmmm (Jul 6, 2012)

Candy said:


> You've way misunderstood. Why write so much in response to my vague words about a situation you don't understand, AND assume I don't know what works for me?
> 
> It's actually very simple. As you stated in the first sentence before the rest of the irrelevant babble, attraction is key. I tried to push it aside with my moral mind, thinking it doesn't matter or it would all change eventually. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you just can't force things.
> 
> ...


You're hilarious, why quote me at all, if you don't want a response? :laughing:


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## Veggie (May 22, 2011)

Candy said:


> You've way misunderstood. Why write so much in response to my vague words about a situation you don't understand, AND assume I don't know what works for me?
> 
> It's actually very simple. As you stated in the first sentence before the rest of the irrelevant babble, attraction is key. I tried to push it aside with my moral mind, thinking it doesn't matter or it would all change eventually. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you just can't force things.
> 
> ...


I totally feel you without even really knowing what you're talking about specifically. lol.

You might not be able to relate to the rest of this, idk, but your wording inspired the thought process... it annoys tf out of me how women who ARE expressing what they need and want are talked down to on these forums. "Tie him up, show him" - ummmm, ok, but like, what I'm telling you people is that this is a total turn off in itself. Having to do that is not what I want.

I kinda admire OP for being so confident that she wants to brave this terrain though. It's been deemed worthy, she's aware of what she wants, she's not getting it, but this dude is her dude. Where there's a will there's a way.


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## Denature (Nov 6, 2015)

It's not complicated. If you have a problem, speak up. Work together. Otherwise, you deserve the punishment for acting like a child.


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## Cherry (May 28, 2017)

Mmmm said:


> You're hilarious, why quote me at all, if you don't want a response? :laughing:


Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk


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## Cherry (May 28, 2017)

Exactly girl!


Veggie said:


> I totally feel you without even really knowing what you're talking about specifically. lol.
> 
> You might not be able to relate to the rest of this, idk, but your wording inspired the thought process... it annoys tf out of me how women who ARE expressing what they need and want are talked down to on these forums. "Tie him up, show him" - ummmm, ok, but like, what I'm telling you people is that this is a total turn off in itself. Having to do that is not what I want.
> 
> I kinda admire OP for being so confident that she wants to brave this terrain though. It's been deemed worthy, she's aware of what she wants, she's not getting it, but this dude is her dude. Where there's a will there's a way.


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## Veggie (May 22, 2011)

Denature said:


> It's not complicated. If you have a problem, speak up. Work together. Otherwise, you deserve the punishment for acting like a child.


Knowing your sexual preferences and communication style isn't childish. It's mature.

She prob wants to work with him but feels frustrated. Minimizing that frustration likely doesn't help the situation.


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## Denature (Nov 6, 2015)

Veggie said:


> Knowing your sexual preferences and communication style isn't childish. It's mature.
> 
> She prob wants to work with him but feels frustrated. Minimizing that frustration likely doesn't help the situation.


If your communication style is not properly communicating, then yes, that's childish.
I never said that knowing your sexual preferences is childish. I'm saying the opposite. If you know your sexual preferences, but don't properly express them to your partner, you're being a child.

Then she needs to get over herself and work towards her goal, not sit around and pout because her sex life isn't perfect.

If she wasn't frustrated, then she could focus on her goal.


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## Veggie (May 22, 2011)

Denature said:


> If your communication style is not properly communicating, then yes, that's childish.
> I never said that knowing your sexual preferences is childish. I'm saying the opposite. If you know your sexual preferences, but don't properly express them to your partner, you're being a child.
> 
> Then she needs to get over herself and work towards her goal, not sit around and pout because her sex life isn't perfect.
> ...


"Properly" communicating is subjective.

Communication comes in many forms, who's to say what style is best.

Sitting around pouting and reaching out for opinions are not one and the same. Telling someone that they're completely wrong isn't very helpful usually. Trying to understand where they're coming from along with where their partner might be and finding a middle ground generally is.


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## another number (Feb 26, 2013)

Veggie said:


> "Properly" communicating is subjective.
> 
> Communication comes in many forms, who's to say what style is best.
> 
> Sitting around pouting and reaching out for opinions are not one and the same. Telling someone that they're completely wrong isn't very helpful usually. Trying to understand where they're coming from along with where their partner might be and finding a middle ground generally is.


Eh, ignore the crabby old bat. He gave a response _for_ an argument and had nothing valuable to say. I don't have time for people like that. Thank you for sticking up for me, though :hug:

Anyhow, I have an update! We had a great time in bed this morning! He was attentive and listened to me, verbally followed up and asked questions. The whole first half he focused on me completely until I achieved an orgasm and was more tender and passionate when we made love. So, yes! We can only go up from here.

Thanks to everyone who gave great feedback and understood that not everyone is perfect. I truly appreciate it. :toast:


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## maxmayer (Oct 25, 2018)

Poor or bad sex can not be called intercourse that lasts very quickly, or if you have not received pleasure at all. In the modern world, we should understand that we get pleasure from sex only when fitness in the form of direct sexual contact is combined with love and feelings for each other. Then any sex becomes wonderful.


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## drmiller100 (Dec 3, 2011)

maxmayer said:


> pt we get pleasure from sex only when fitness in the form of direct sexual contact is combined with love and feelings for each other. Then any sex becomes wonderful.



lol


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

another number said:


> I've never had to talk about sex with a partner before. Which is part of why I'm kind of side-blinded here. I've just never had a guy have sex with me like this and be so clueless as to what a woman needs to get off.
> 
> While there needs to be more than sexual compatibility to make a relationship work, it's also critical because its a mirror of the love and bond between the two people. I understand that as an INFJ, I can't expect him to have the same wants and needs as me.
> But he is a sweet-as-pie ENFP, and we are very bonded and intuitive of one another. I just can't understand how he's so lost in bed.
> ...


That post I made was a whole lot of tmi lol 

I get what you're saying about never needing to talk about sex, but I guess it seems like being open to talking about sex and being able to do it might suggest more emotional intimacy. I mean, in a relationship where you feel like you're acknowledged and understood sexually, and where it is okay to discuss things, it seems like it'd require a certain amount of emotional and intellectual intimacy.

So it wouldn't be like 'there's a problem' talk--but just another kind of talk that is just to improve things and out of interest. (As I said--I've never actually accomplished this in a relationship, so it's just something I imagine might be ideal, but idk)

I have been in two long term relationships and in one of them I did have a problem with the partner's porn use because it was affecting the relationship--in the other, I did not. So I think it was the relationship the individual had with porn and how they used it. The one who I did have an issue with was an ESFP. I only look at porn when I am curious, but my curiosity also quickly turns to repulsion--I've mostly only consumed porn while being curious what my partner likes. 

I find it kind of weird that for myself, I tend to reserve a part of sex to this ideal. Like I wouldn't say I've ever had sex that was ideal. It was maybe enjoyable or interesting, but it never really checked the boxes of intellectual and emotional intimacy that I sometimes imagine is possible. And I think a large part of that is my fault. Like I want the emotional connection, but I also don't actually try to cultivate it or I might even be afraid of that, or incapable of it--idk.

I've watched porn a couple times, and it's always left me feeling kind of empty. My imagination has always been a lot stronger than that, and so it is sometimes hard to understand why people rely so little on imagination, and depend so much on images or whatever--even random people who don't like them that they just want to use for their bodies.

But I do not miss being in a relationship with someone who has issues with porn, though I'm not sure what kind of issue your bf has with it, if he does. But yeah--that sounds kind of silly to want to have sex with a KC model to me...sort of boring. I mean, he might not be, but anything that isn't boring about it is probably in my imagination--otherwise it is just having sex with a body. I'm not sure--at times I've thought about demisexuality, but I also don't really relate. But I cannot relate very well to people who express purely physical attraction, unless it's with their imagination--it's got to just be more complex than that.

Also--I'm glad you had a good experience with your boyfriend! Sounds like whatever you are doing is the right thing.


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## ivegotthemunchies (Nov 17, 2018)

I had the same problem. I met this boyfriend online and we have been sexting, etc what he wants to do with me, like eat my pussy and fuck my butt..... 

We met, only to found that he's lame at sex. Like your experience, he goes straight to the pussy and skip the foreplay.. 

I tested him several times and he's always like that until i told him to stop... I told him, "you know what, you're like a virgin when we have sex.. You go straight to the pussy without even touching my breasts.. Do you even know about the bases?!! There are such things called first base = the lips.. Second base, the boobs, third base the pussy finger... Fourth base is the penetration.." 

I'm really pissed off that i also told him that he's bad at sex.. Without anymore trying to consider his feelings because I'm really really pissed off like, I've been conned.. 

Well, since he's a nice guy, he just stayed silent after saying, "you should tell me what you like me to do.."

Then i told him I'm going out for a gym just to calm me down..

Then i went back and he looks serious and not happy.. But he's just trying not to open up the matter.. 

Then, i told him that, i actually like his penis and the way he penetrates my vagina.. It's just i wanna be wet first because it hurts me when he goes straight my pussy.. And i still love him, I'm just not content with the sex he gave me..

Then we decided our best to give each other the sex we want.. 

Just open communication.. Well, i think you should just tell him the things he's good at... In order not to make him feel totally bad because it's guys ego.


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## Roslyn (Aug 2, 2018)

ivegotthemunchies said:


> I had the same problem. I met this boyfriend online and we have been sexting, etc what he wants to do with me, like eat my pussy and fuck my butt.....
> 
> We met, only to found that he's lame at sex. Like your experience, he goes straight to the pussy and skip the foreplay..
> 
> I tested him several times and he's always like that until i told him to stop... I told him, "you know what, you're like a virgin when we have sex.. You go straight to the pussy without even touching my breasts.. Do you even know about the bases?!! There are such things called first base = the lips.. Second base, the boobs, third base the pussy finger... Fourth base is the penetration.."


Not picking on you, just after reading OP and this post, it sounds a little formulaic. There isn't a formula for me. Do other people approach sex the exact same way every time? Foreplay has been an hour long make-out session with my partner or I've walked through the door and jumped him, foreplay was unnecessary. But a lot of things have constituted as foreplay for me. Sometimes sex is a deeply emotional experience and other times, I've just wanted to get off and had limited time and quickie was just what I wanted. 

It's weird to think of someone making it to their 30's without talking about sex with their partner. Or to continue having bad sex with someone without saying something. I'm not an intuitive or thoughtful person in general, but I find it rude. If you're not enjoying it, ffs, say something.


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## ivegotthemunchies (Nov 17, 2018)

Roslyn said:


> Not picking on you, just after reading OP and this post, it sounds a little formulaic. There isn't a formula for me. Do other people approach sex the exact same way every time? Foreplay has been an hour long make-out session with my partner or I've walked through the door and jumped him, foreplay was unnecessary. But a lot of things have constituted as foreplay for me. Sometimes sex is a deeply emotional experience and other times, I've just wanted to get off and had limited time and quickie was just what I wanted.
> 
> It's weird to think of someone making it to their 30's without talking about sex with their partner. Or to continue having bad sex with someone without saying something. I'm not an intuitive or thoughtful person in general, but I find it rude. If you're not enjoying it, ffs, say something.


Well, it's just a matter of preferences. There is no right or wrong. 

Anyways OP seems to solved her problem. So there's no issue anymore


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## angelfish (Feb 17, 2011)

another number said:


> Everything you said was wonderful, but this especially. I really needed to hear that. Thank you :hug:


I'm so glad :hug:


* *




have deleted this now that you've read it since it's a bit personal






another number said:


> Anyhow, I have an update! We had a great time in bed this morning! He was attentive and listened to me, verbally followed up and asked questions. The whole first half he focused on me completely until I achieved an orgasm and was more tender and passionate when we made love. So, yes! We can only go up from here.


Yay!!!! Awesome job to both of you.


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## Forest Nymph (Aug 25, 2018)

I knew a guy like this. I wasn't in love with him at all but he was basically a nice person. Just because someone is "nice" doesn't mean much about them as a human being. I have a roommate who is "nice" who doesn't think twice about attacking me at 7 am if there's hair in the tub. In reality she's an absolute bitch who is usually polite. People who make a big stink about hair in the tub when people are dying of starvation should probably be thrashed. 

Same for your partner. He learned somewhere that talking nice earned him free selfish sex. You're going to have to correct him on that. If he keeps being as ass, accept that his true nature is selfish. Being nice to the lunch lady is nothing like actually caring about other people's feelings.


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## Forest Nymph (Aug 25, 2018)

drmiller100 said:


> Hugs!
> 
> How would he have learned? It sounds like he loves you, and wants to try.
> 
> ...


Oh obviously it's her fault.

I hate everyone.


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## Forest Nymph (Aug 25, 2018)

Tyche said:


> If you were excited by this kind of sex in the beginning, he isn't going to understand why you aren't now unless you talk to him. If he was experienced before you, either the girl(s) he was with liked this or also never said anything. All people need to communicate in a relationship. If you don't like what he's doing, show him how. If you can't describe it, you can find porn that's an example of what you like. Don't give up without ever trying. If he cares about you he will want you to enjoy. It's not at all his fault he doesn't know you don't like it.


Actually it is his fault for not asking. What are you people on, patriarchy pills?


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## Introvertia (Feb 6, 2016)

a week of tinder for both to spice things up. I don't know. A sexbot sounds more appealing than him. 

dynamics = mundane and stale. 

switch up and not waste energy on nostalgia, but easy to say as I don't care for him.


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## Nicholasjh1 (Feb 6, 2018)

MeltedSorbet said:


> That post I made was a whole lot of tmi lol
> 
> I get what you're saying about never needing to talk about sex, but I guess it seems like being open to talking about sex and being able to do it might suggest more emotional intimacy. I mean, in a relationship where you feel like you're acknowledged and understood sexually, and where it is okay to discuss things, it seems like it'd require a certain amount of emotional and intellectual intimacy.
> 
> ...


I think people that say they don't need to talk have issues with projection from communication... IE being to revealing to them starts to give them impressions that are bad about themselves or others... and they get a "thing" about it. but it's not true that communicating about it is bad. It's that it hasn't worked for them. they would need to clear those charges that had the communication create some sort of "bad" reality for them(edit: if they wanted to do it differently).


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## Nicholasjh1 (Feb 6, 2018)

MeltedSorbet said:


> That post I made was a whole lot of tmi lol
> 
> I get what you're saying about never needing to talk about sex, but I guess it seems like being open to talking about sex and being able to do it might suggest more emotional intimacy. I mean, in a relationship where you feel like you're acknowledged and understood sexually, and where it is okay to discuss things, it seems like it'd require a certain amount of emotional and intellectual intimacy.
> 
> ...


I also considered that I might be "demi-sexual" for a while, but the truth is I just get a lot more from sex when I have an emotional connection and we are both doing well in the "pleasuring" department. It's actually surprising how many woman are generally just "passive" in the bedroom, doing little more then laying down or sometimes stroking skin etc, though I suppose "get to business" men have trained them that way, as most don't have a problem once encouraged in a positive way, which I think speaks to what your are saying about communication... it doesn't have to be a criticism. just "I like this" "could you do this" "that was amazing" "Please bring that another time." and also just guttural type cues. 

I also relate to being unable to cultivate a deep emotional connection. It wasn't very good at it until I did a lot of my own emotional work to get in touch with my own emotions... in a more Fi way I think if I were to describe it that I felt like I could truly love or hold someone emotionally in my mind for long periods.


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

Nicholasjh1 said:


> I also considered that I might be "demi-sexual" for a while, but the truth is I just get a lot more from sex when I have an emotional connection and we are both doing well in the "pleasuring" department. It's actually surprising how many woman are generally just "passive" in the bedroom, doing little more then laying down or sometimes stroking skin etc, though I suppose "get to business" men have trained them that way, as most don't have a problem once encouraged in a positive way, which I think speaks to what your are saying about communication... it doesn't have to be a criticism. just "I like this" "could you do this" "that was amazing" "Please bring that another time." and also just guttural type cues.
> 
> I also relate to being unable to cultivate a deep emotional connection. It wasn't very good at it until I did a lot of my own emotional work to get in touch with my own emotions... in a more Fi way I think if I were to describe it that I felt like I could truly love or hold someone emotionally in my mind for long periods.


I think the passivity can be fine when you both really are on the same page, but it's not great if its someone who doesn't feel comfortable being assertive. I can imagine a lot of influences for passivity--mostly issues about consent. If a woman feels afraid that she will be misunderstood as consenting to more, she may learn to stifle herself sexually, rather than to express herself. 

On a social level, I, at least, never felt totally safe regarding my sexuality--you know, I learned during pubescence that people treated me differently, and that some of them didn't care how I felt or assumed I felt something different. And I'm just talking about strangers comments or social interactions on the streets. I think that made me feel a little uncomfortable about how just having a female body seems to send some kind of 'signal' to others. So, more reason to try to be invisible or not to show anything, and definitely not to feel comfortable with sexuality.

Then, in relationships I think that it can be important for people to understand what the non-verbal cues mean. Like is that person down for sex or do they just want a hug? So this gets back to what the OP brought up--that misunderstanding people can have, even with close ones, about what they really want.

I lost my virginity without consenting to it though, and lol when I first decided to have 'consensual' sex, I approached it more like--this thing, it's not important, and I can do it I'm sure. I'm not afraid of it.'

So one of my earliest memories was being told 'you seem like you're not there' and we had a convo and I said 'yeah, I guess I just feel kind of out of my body,' and they said 'where are you--some kind of cloud land?' And so it was good to understand that being totally passive, to the point that you aren't even 'present' isn't really typical. lol But I find that even though I have learned more about my sexuality and have had time to think about it and cultivate my own ideals, I still probably have a little bit of a tendency to go into my head during sex, even if I am active--even if I am in my body. I still feel afraid of connecting emotionally--intellectually is easier, and physical is ok (I could probably learn to have a better connection with my own body). But feeling trust and vulnerability is not and for good reason.

I think that's one thing that people can work on in relationships though--because you are two people and you both get to decide what to do. We all have different pasts, but when you get to know the other partner, then you can create the present, and the past, together (y'know--if you stay together long enough). 

I feel like I can 'hold someone emotionally in my mind' for long periods--I can care about them etc. It's natural for me. The healthy way, I guess, just makes me consider the person I am in a relationship when they aren't there, all the time, and to consider their individual happiness. The unhealthy way is probably that it can be kind of obsessive, and if I'm focusing more on who I think they are, then it's going to be a little inaccurate (as opposed to actively responding to them in the moment).

But my issue is more with the immediate feeling, as well as acknowledging my negative feelings or intuitions instead of focusing on some idealized situation in my mind. I have a history of 'falling in love' with someone and then completely breaking out of it years later, when I decide I don't really know them, or someting is impossible. And I cannot reconcile the moment with the ultimate conclusion of the relationship. The disconnect between my own understanding, and the past and future.

I guess when I imagine the ideal intimacy, the past and future would be relevant. The person would understand me on various levels--understand me as different people, like I am in the past. They would also be there in the future, and they would also love me as my future self, with a different body, and who knows what else, and all that.

So it's a kind of intimacy that I imagine is kind of ideal for monogamy 'till death do us part,' and it's not anything I've ever experienced. But then, who even knows if it's something you experience in the moment, or something you just realize later on. I would like to think it's something you could experience and enjoy in the moment, but I don't hear of it often.

I mean, maybe I can never fully accept or understand another person. Or maybe I just need to remind myself to be realistic and that is the part of intimacy that I am missing. Like I get too much into my own head, and I neglect reality, and reality is critical for true intimacy.

Idk--I enjoy imagining ideal romance, and also rejecting what's not ideal, but perhaps for me intimacy would be more like bridging ideal and reality--something I cannot really do in the moment with everything in front of me, except in more ideal situations idk.

Maybe if I do more emotional work to get in touch with my own emotions--but I also think it's learning to pay attention to and react to problems. To actually allow real trust to develop. Those are a little foreign to me. But I am also perfectly happy being alone until I learn how to do that.


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## drmiller100 (Dec 3, 2011)

MeltedSorbet said:


> I lost my virginity without consenting to it though,



Words are powerful. For me personally, "virginity" is about a headspace, your soul, your heart. I respect you had something horrible happen, and as an 8 if i could I would fucking destroy whoever did this to you, and even better make it so it never happened.

Once I used to dream someone could truly know me, understand me, Grok me, and love me for who I am, and not be scared of me. 

I risked enough that my dreams have gotten bigger. I want all that, and I want her available so she can be mine.

Hugs.


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## Artificial_Lifeform (Jul 22, 2015)

I quite honestly don't understand how anyone can be bad at sex. Is he dumb or something? Maybe just selfish? Maybe he doesn't understand how a woman works? I am truly perplexed.

Tell him exactly how it is: Your sex sucks and if he is going to be an immature emo boy about it you will fucking leave him.

I don't have much experience myself. In fact I've only been with one woman. But when we hace sex we have sex for about 1-2 hours. I don't divide the experience into foreplay and sex - to me the entire act is the sex. It involves lengthy kissing, cuddling, oral as well as vaginal sex and both of us cums - like it should be.


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

drmiller100 said:


> Words are powerful. For me personally, "virginity" is about a headspace, your soul, your heart. I respect you had something horrible happen, and as an 8 if i could I would fucking destroy whoever did this to you, and even better make it so it never happened.
> 
> Once I used to dream someone could truly know me, understand me, Grok me, and love me for who I am, and not be scared of me.
> 
> ...


It's interesting that you say that about virginity. As I get older I keep wondering about what it means and what it meant to me, and what forms that significance to us.

Maybe there is a collection of writing about what virginity means to different people. Sometimes I feel like it didn't mean anything to me and sometimes I think that it did. But I find myself sort of preoccupied wondering about virginity and how people experience it or they lose their virginity. I imagine most people don't have the most ideal experience. But it would be nice if everyone had their ideal experience while losing their virginity.

I think that if you can dream it, it is definitely not far from becoming reality. There are so many things we can't imagine, the things we can imagine are pretty promising. Plus, it sounds like you are going out there and pursuing your dream--so good luck!


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## Firelily (Apr 20, 2016)

i wonder, 
do you ever show him how in love with him you can be ? 
two mins of play time isnt enough to give him a really great blowjob and really enjoy it. 
Also why dont you have a turn at being on top. would he go for that? 
when you are on top you can go at your own speed.
not sure why you do touch yourself and play with yourself while hes fucking you too 
get yourself off and cum 
you do need to talk with him though but i really dont think you should sit him down and tell him you are dissatisfied with the kind of sex you are having, that will hurt his ego and make things worse. 
tell him you want to try new things like sucking him off (if you dont know how look it up) and playing with yourself while he watches 
Most men are open to things like that


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## Denature (Nov 6, 2015)

The amusing thing about this thread is I gave the advice of talking to her SO, but she didn't like the way I said it (Called me "crabby"). Later she states that she talked to her SO and figured things out. Lol smh.


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## marybluesky (Apr 23, 2012)

Maybe I'm not physically experienced enough to make a comment about the physical aspect; however your main problem seems to be his lack of emotions/reciprocity during sex.
You say he is a good BF in other areas- do you really feel like it deep inside? I mean, do you feel like being emotionally connected? That he cares about you? Or you remain in the relationship because he is rather "nice" and unproblematic? People can be nice to get whatever they want and inflict guilt when they are denied. I'm in no position to judge. Just an idea, as I've seen similar situations.


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