# Depression, self-esteem, loneliness



## Washy (Nov 23, 2014)

I am sorry if this post is a bit long, but please, read it, for the sake of humanity and kindness. I am very much in need, am seeking to change my life, and would greatly appreciate any helpful advice.

Those three things in the title cause quite a lot of problems in daily life. They are all extreme as I have major depression, extremely low self-esteem to the point where I sometimes show BPD symptoms, and loneliness so bad that I feel alienated and empty when in a room full of people. I have no friends and am dealing with a heartbreak of losing a year-long girlfriend two and a half months ago, and the intense jealousy of her liking someone else only a few weeks after the break-up. My loneliness is so bad that I once felt euphoric after work after having a long meeting with a couple of coworkers. This died the next day unfortunately. I work alone overnight until people come in during the morning at the end of my shift. I go such long periods of time barely speaking.

Then there is the self-esteem issue. I think I have always had a self-esteem problem; it may have originated in childhood for all I know, because I remember behaving in attention-seeking ways as a child and taking comfort in self-pity and the pity I would receive from others. I remember thinking a teacher was pretty in elementary school so I told her that I hate myself to make her pity me and show me attention. I don't know why I did that or why my mind works like that, even today still. Attention-seeking and getting people to feel sorry for me is something I've always done and I'm trying very, very hard to break out of it. The root of that kind of behavior (I think) is insecurity and low self-esteem, meaning I must have had a low self-esteem even at such a young age. However, I only remember happiness and sheer joy and fulfillment when I recall my childhood. The neighborhood friends and our closeness and friendship and the adventures we had together were truly a gift like no other from God. I really don't know where my bad self-esteem could have originated; it feels like I must have been born with it, though that's obviously not a logical conclusion.

Today was a rough day and led me to write this post and reach out for help. It started when I asked a coworker a question. He's always been overly-sarcastic and rude with me for no reason. After I asked, he gave me a strange look like I was crazy for about 5 seconds straight and then said, "you're asking the wrong person." The other coworker next to us laughed and I felt slightly humiliated, also feeling a bit offended because that guy that laughed at me has given me strange looks in the past like I'm weird or stupid, yet treats other coworkers with respect. So I started to feel like they hated me for no reason, and people hating me for no reason is a paranoid belief I have rooted in me, and it was triggered a bit. Anyways, it wasn't that bad, and I told myself I was just being paranoid and shrugged it off.

Next, I'll start by saying that I have bad genetic dark circles around my eyes (could use some advice on that too if anyone has some haha). Later in this same shift last night, a coworker mentioned how dark they were and laughed at me. I felt very offended and many memories from high school were triggered. All the memories of peers bullying me, telling me I looked high, giving me strange looks like I was an alien, saying I looked creepy, and laughing at me; I was reminded of it all and started to feel very depressed and felt like no one respected me and that no one truly cared about me. I felt like everyone in life just uses me for their own selfish gain and twisted ambition and then tosses me aside like worthless trash. I began to feel a very deep sense of worthlessness, frustration, and rage. I felt like there was nothing respectable in me and that no one could ever show genuine respect, love, and acceptance to me, and then came suicidal thoughts. I was trying so hard to be positive, to think good things about myself, to let go of the past, and to be optimistic about the future, and then this mess so easily happened. I then go home to sink back into the silence, loneliness, emptiness, longing for what I've had in the past but lost, desires and ideals about the present and future, dreaming of being someone else, and difficult depression. I find it so hard to feel this way all of the time while doing nothing but sitting in my bed and going to work. It's so monotonous and bleak. I'm really trying to find my way out of this. I'm spending a lot of money on eye creams to try to remove my genetic dark circles to help my self-esteem/social anxiety/insecurity. Other than that, I'm really trying to be optimistic and believe that I am a good, respectable, and attractive individual, and to stop falling into the traps of self-pity and attention-seeking. I'm also trying to not withdraw socially and be overly quiet and private, as that will make making friends even harder. It's so hard to begin believing good things about myself though when these awful bullying memories sweep over me and I realize I have no friends and no purpose. I'm trying so hard to climb out of this hole, and I keep making little progress and then fall back. I want to feel wanted, loved, and respected wholly and genuinely for my true self so desperately. I really, deeply crave that strong sense of acceptance for who I really am.

I would be surprised and very thankful if anyone even read all of this, even more so if anyone replied to try to help me. Thanks in advance to anyone who does. I have a therapist but am only seeing her once every two weeks, and our one hour sessions fly by so quickly. I still have a lot to discuss with her and am considering showing her what I've written out here.


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## INTJellectual (Oct 22, 2011)

I can relate to what you're saying, all of it. It's so hard to have depression, or any other mental illness. It's like the enemy is yourself. Well, I can't really offer much because I'm suffering Depression myself, and it's a secret I never share to people in real life. When you have depression you feel so alone and no one understand you and no one is interested to listen to you. People prefer to associate with happy people because it is infectious. But people avoid weird people and depressive people because they don't want to be rubbed off by your negative energy/aura. So the effect is you withdraw to people, and your social functioning suffers.

They said Depression is one of the disease that originates to lifestyle. There's an antidote to it. Although it won't cure you, it can relieve you of your episodes and self-pity. Join a social group which is accepting, exercise daily. Stay focus on the present moment.

And of course it's best to see a psychiatrist and therapist. I took medication in an SSRI class and my mood improved a little. But there wasn't any change much in my concentration. I think I am cognitively impaired because I can't remember small details in my short term memory and it's hard for me to concentrate. The med is suppose to improve my cognition, but there wasn't much improvement. As far as mood is concerned, yes it would help and you could function too.

I feel sorry about your suffering. I wish it was easy to be removed from us.


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## Volant (Oct 5, 2013)

Ah, @Washy, I've been where you are (and still am, to some extent). I would suggest, after viewing your profile, getting your Bible out (or going to BibleGateway or BibleHub) and reading through the Psalms. King David, although he was a man after God's own heart, still struggled with deep-rooted issues and crushing feelings of loneliness and guilt. Yet God never left him, even in his darkest days.

I'm not even going to throw in the tired old "don't give up" and "stay strong," because that's what everybody says even when they don't mean it. Dig into the Word and "taste and see that the Lord is good" (Psalm 34:8). Listen to some hymns, too, like "The Old Rugged Cross" and "Because He Lives," for good measure, eh?


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## ClarityOfVision (Mar 3, 2013)

Depression is very hard to deal with. I never suffered from it myself as much as you suffer from it. What more can I say than that it's good that you're seeing a therapist for this. Thing is, the therapist won't cure it, you have to pick yourself up. And I don't mean going out all the time just to meet people. Like has been said earlier, go for a run, exercise, get your apartment (or whatever) neat and tidy. Make the place where you spend most of your time a pleasant place to be. It's not easy to see purpose in this but our environment does influence us. 

If you have toxic people in your life, don't pay attention to them. Your coworkers seem extremely toxic to you and they're just not worth your time and energy. You could of course communicate to them that you don't like it when they laugh at your eyes. They'll probably say: "Hey man it's just a joke don't take it so serious." Then say you'd still appreciate it if they wouldn't do it again. 

From everything you wrote I get the idea you have to start standing up for yourself, take charge of your life. Hell, get angry once in a while, it's so useful sometimes. Assertiveness is key to everything in life, you have to fight for what you want. If you, because you have this condition, don't know what you want and see no purpose in anything, it'd be an idea to get back to the roots and your talents and work with those. Then again, I'm no expert. Hope this at least gives you an idea. I probably can't tell you anything else you don't already know.


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## Lady M (Sep 23, 2014)

Hi there! Ah what you have wrote sounds so familiar to me. Well I do need to say that I do battle with similar feelings from time to time. I can sometimes feel time passing by without me doing anything but thinking. .. Trying to get myself out of my deep hole of thought

But you know what, there is hope, there is light between all the dark. And do what you have to do to feel better. 
One thing I've noticed from your post is all the toxic people you have in your life as well as your negative thoughts(no intention to judge..I'm like that myself). What you can perhaps try to do is to write every single negative thing down and see if you can work towards a plan of eliminating these people, things and thoughts. Very often these are caused by fears we have. 

Dark circles..lol.. I have them too! There not that bad! If people want to say negative things about em, just shrug it off and say.."no man I'm cool and I'm different and you are just jealous"  well thats what I do, I still hurt like hell on the inside but at least that answer stops people from making fun of me again.

Oh and a last thing..have you had your personality type analyzed? It helped me feel a lot better! 

Best of luck. Life is hard and sometimes I wish I had a manual but I do believe we all have a purpose..so believe that if it is possible ok?


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## ClarityOfVision (Mar 3, 2013)

Lady M said:


> Life is hard and sometimes I wish I had a manual but I do believe we all have a purpose..so believe that if it is possible ok?


We create the manual ourselves by having an intrinsic value system  The rules we create for ourselves. I’m a systemizer and I am constantly attempting to see patterns in what we do. To see how people react and what gets shit done. When I find something I store in my mind for later use. I develop paradigms for every social interaction and adapt to the specific needs of people to get my point across to them. When I do something I’ve never done I suck at it in the beginning because there’s no paradigm yet. After the first time I learn really fast though.

Maybe something for you (all people suffering from this) to try as well? Also there’s a videogame that helped me in systemizing. It’s no bible for life but it gets an interesting point across: Mass Effect 1, 2 and 3. They consider moral choices a lot, and with some interpretation these paradigms are integrated into daily life as well.

Life has no system, it’s up to us to make sense of it and create structure in chaos, but not denying the chaos is there and being willing to adapt the structure we make.


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## Lady M (Sep 23, 2014)

ClarityOfVision said:


> [
> 
> Life has no system, it’s up to us to make sense of it and create structure in chaos, but not denying the chaos is there and being willing to adapt the structure we make.


Very good point! I think we all find ways of coping and adapting, funny enough games has helped me cope with life too. Its learned me some valuable life lessons


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## wums (Nov 25, 2013)

It sounds like you are having issues rooted in your upbringing, beliefs you formed thanks to your parents when you were too young to understand the world. Like, your female teacher? Yeah, a part of you thought she was your mother. You were trying to get what you never were given. It doesn't matter how you remember it, childhood you didn't have your adult perspective. Easiest way to work on this stuff is see a therapist, preferably one with a relational or transference-based or trauma approach. Don't see a cognitive-behavioral one.

If you don't want to see a therapist, your best bet is to look back to your childhood with empathy for the child who experienced it, try to reframe your memories with an adult perspective, try to understand them empathetically like you would for any other child. and try not to get mad at yourself when you feel negative feelings, try to just accept them, let them be and let them drift away without judgment.

Just remember that all your behaviors, all your reactions to things, were initially learned to protect you, and probably have at one point. Try to keep that in mind and have empathy for yourself.


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## Washy (Nov 23, 2014)

Regina said:


> I can relate to what you're saying, all of it. It's so hard to have depression, or any other mental illness. It's like the enemy is yourself. Well, I can't really offer much because I'm suffering Depression myself, and it's a secret I never share to people in real life. When you have depression you feel so alone and no one understand you and no one is interested to listen to you. People prefer to associate with happy people because it is infectious. But people avoid weird people and depressive people because they don't want to be rubbed off by your negative energy/aura. So the effect is you withdraw to people, and your social functioning suffers.
> 
> They said Depression is one of the disease that originates to lifestyle. There's an antidote to it. Although it won't cure you, it can relieve you of your episodes and self-pity. Join a social group which is accepting, exercise daily. Stay focus on the present moment.
> 
> ...


I haven't had a good experience with medications either. I have tried celexa and paxil and got nothing from them. I have decided I will never take antidepressants ever again because of the way people have been affected by them in the past.


Volant said:


> Ah, @Washy, I've been where you are (and still am, to some extent). I would suggest, after viewing your profile, getting your Bible out (or going to BibleGateway or BibleHub) and reading through the Psalms. King David, although he was a man after God's own heart, still struggled with deep-rooted issues and crushing feelings of loneliness and guilt. Yet God never left him, even in his darkest days.
> 
> I'm not even going to throw in the tired old "don't give up" and "stay strong," because that's what everybody says even when they don't mean it. Dig into the Word and "taste and see that the Lord is good" (Psalm 34:8). Listen to some hymns, too, like "The Old Rugged Cross" and "Because He Lives," for good measure, eh?


Thanks, my faith is the only thing that keeps me going sometimes. My faith has been shaky as I have been struggling with some sin, but God has never forsaken me (even though it has often felt like it).


ClarityOfVision said:


> Depression is very hard to deal with. I never suffered from it myself as much as you suffer from it. What more can I say than that it's good that you're seeing a therapist for this. Thing is, the therapist won't cure it, you have to pick yourself up. And I don't mean going out all the time just to meet people. Like has been said earlier, go for a run, exercise, get your apartment (or whatever) neat and tidy. Make the place where you spend most of your time a pleasant place to be. It's not easy to see purpose in this but our environment does influence us.
> 
> If you have toxic people in your life, don't pay attention to them. Your coworkers seem extremely toxic to you and they're just not worth your time and energy. You could of course communicate to them that you don't like it when they laugh at your eyes. They'll probably say: "Hey man it's just a joke don't take it so serious." Then say you'd still appreciate it if they wouldn't do it again.
> 
> From everything you wrote I get the idea you have to start standing up for yourself, take charge of your life. Hell, get angry once in a while, it's so useful sometimes. Assertiveness is key to everything in life, you have to fight for what you want. If you, because you have this condition, don't know what you want and see no purpose in anything, it'd be an idea to get back to the roots and your talents and work with those. Then again, I'm no expert. Hope this at least gives you an idea. I probably can't tell you anything else you don't already know.


I wouldn't call my coworkers toxic. One of them is a bit too overly-sarcastic for me to handle, so I avoid him, but the guy that brought up my dark circles is a good and friendly guy; it was mostly just the memories he triggered that bothered me. Any tips on becoming more assertive? I calmly said "screw you" to the overly-sarcastic guy once when he gave me a smart answer and that's as far as I've gotten haha. I really wish I was more assertive. I'm really trying to exercise my masculinity and improve things such as that.


Lady M said:


> Hi there! Ah what you have wrote sounds so familiar to me. Well I do need to say that I do battle with similar feelings from time to time. I can sometimes feel time passing by without me doing anything but thinking. .. Trying to get myself out of my deep hole of thought
> 
> But you know what, there is hope, there is light between all the dark. And do what you have to do to feel better.
> One thing I've noticed from your post is all the toxic people you have in your life as well as your negative thoughts(no intention to judge..I'm like that myself). What you can perhaps try to do is to write every single negative thing down and see if you can work towards a plan of eliminating these people, things and thoughts. Very often these are caused by fears we have.
> ...


My personality type is analyzed. I thought I was INFP for a long time, but I'm definitely ISFP with depression making me seem like an N. I'll score as an N on tests because of my idealism and imagination, along with my dissociation caused by PTSD, but when looking at cognitive functions, my childhood, my healthy state of mind, etc., I'm definitely ISFP.



wums said:


> It sounds like you are having issues rooted in your upbringing, beliefs you formed thanks to your parents when you were too young to understand the world. Like, your female teacher? Yeah, a part of you thought she was your mother. You were trying to get what you never were given. It doesn't matter how you remember it, childhood you didn't have your adult perspective. Easiest way to work on this stuff is see a therapist, preferably one with a relational or transference-based or trauma approach. Don't see a cognitive-behavioral one.
> 
> If you don't want to see a therapist, your best bet is to look back to your childhood with empathy for the child who experienced it, try to reframe your memories with an adult perspective, try to understand them empathetically like you would for any other child. and try not to get mad at yourself when you feel negative feelings, try to just accept them, let them be and let them drift away without judgment.
> 
> Just remember that all your behaviors, all your reactions to things, were initially learned to protect you, and probably have at one point. Try to keep that in mind and have empathy for yourself.


It's hard to believe that I had problems in my upbringing, but I'm thinking you're right. I was raised in a Christian family, good and nice family, no divorce, wonderful childhood friends. The only flaw I see is how over-protective my mother was (and still is) and how I haven't been raised to become an individual, but rather a hopelessly dependent man-child. I'm working on that and am working on "manning up" and becoming a self-reliant individual haha. What makes you think I thought of that teacher as a mother?

Thanks to all who replied. It takes a strong person with a good heart to reach out to someone in a situation like this. To those who could relate to how I'm feeling, I hope you feel better and you are definitely not alone. I have kept bitterness, rage, hatred, and resentment locked up inside of me from being picked on in high school for so long. I really don't want to be a bitter, irritable, hate-filled person; I want to be warm, loving, friendly, and confident. If anyone has tips for truly forgiving others completely and letting go of the past, I'd appreciate it. I'm going to bring it up with my therapist in tonight's appointment. I think if I could do that and form some real, close, lasting friendships (having an active social circle) and get serious with a hobby, my depression would be gone.


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## wums (Nov 25, 2013)

Washy said:


> It's hard to believe that I had problems in my upbringing, but I'm thinking you're right. I was raised in a Christian family, good and nice family, no divorce, wonderful childhood friends. The only flaw I see is how over-protective my mother was (and still is) and how I haven't been raised to become an individual, but rather a hopelessly dependent man-child. I'm working on that and am working on "manning up" and becoming a self-reliant individual haha. What makes you think I thought of that teacher as a mother?


Yeppers, it is hard to believe isn't it? You couldn't let yourself believe that as a child dependent on your mother for survival. Unfortunately, what children need is completely unconditional love, no strings attached, and a lot of parents can't offer that, and sort of misuse the total power they have over their child, meaning well but.. they still misuse it. They meet their own needs through their children, either for help, or to regulate their self-esteem, or to feel powerful and in control, etc. And children simply go with it, because they have to, but then they carry those behaviors into adulthood, seeking the attention of anyone in a motherly role for example, like a teacher, a boss, anyone that reminds them of the dynamic they experienced. They learned that having a problem for their mother to fix, which made her feel like a good mother, is what they have to do to be loved. You feel like you're attention-seeking, but really you're seeking love, that you shouldn't have to do anything to earn, because it should be unconditional, and at this point the person who can unconditionally love you is actually you yourself.

You can definitely change all the feelings surrounding this, and get back your self-esteem, you just have to learn to put it in the past and see it honestly for what it really was, from an adult perspective, but with empathy for the child that experienced it. It doesn't happen overnight but, y'know, be open to it okay? Cuz when you tell yourself to man up, you're pushing away that little child in you who's trying to be loved, ensuring that he is even more stuck in his behaviors and the fears that go with them, I mean the fears of not having love. The only way to man up is to love yourself, even the parts you don't like, I mean that's the only way you can function healthily as an adult.


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## ClarityOfVision (Mar 3, 2013)

Washy said:


> I wouldn't call my coworkers toxic. One of them is a bit too overly-sarcastic for me to handle, so I avoid him, but the guy that brought up my dark circles is a good and friendly guy; it was mostly just the memories he triggered that bothered me. Any tips on becoming more assertive? I calmly said "screw you" to the overly-sarcastic guy once when he gave me a smart answer and that's as far as I've gotten haha. I really wish I was more assertive. I'm really trying to exercise my masculinity and improve things such as that.
> 
> Thanks to all who replied. It takes a strong person with a good heart to reach out to someone in a situation like this. To those who could relate to how I'm feeling, I hope you feel better and you are definitely not alone. I have kept bitterness, rage, hatred, and resentment locked up inside of me from being picked on in high school for so long. I really don't want to be a bitter, irritable, hate-filled person; I want to be warm, loving, friendly, and confident. If anyone has tips for truly forgiving others completely and letting go of the past, I'd appreciate it. I'm going to bring it up with my therapist in tonight's appointment. I think if I could do that and form some real, close, lasting friendships (having an active social circle) and get serious with a hobby, my depression would be gone.


Becoming more assertive starts with the little things in life. Change starts with yourself. I do this using my own kind of standardization. It’s about telling people what you want just this one time. It comes from taking charge in a situation instead of waiting. I would advise you go through this process:

Listening, Awareness, Accepting, Adapting, Advancing.

*Listening:*

Every time you want something, but you did not get it, make a mental or physical note, whatever suits you. These things can be extremely daily things e.g. you wanted the last doughnut at the part but someone else took it, you wanted to tell you coworker to shut up but you didn’t, you wanted to meet some people but you didn’t.

*Awareness*

After some time you will have quite some notes. Now, look at them and think what stopped you from getting what you wanted. This will give you awareness of the obstacles you did not overcome to get what you wanted. 

*Accepting*

Next thing is to accept that you didn’t get what you wanted because YOU AND ONLY YOU did not take action to get it. You can always fall into “It wasn’t my fault” or “I couldn’t have done anything”. Hate to break it to you man, but it’s always your fault. In order to get what you want, you have to be more assertive and powerful than the other person that wants it. You can choose not to go for it anymore, and at this point it’s a conscious decision. What I read in your posts is that you’re not making the decision consciously, but the decision just kind of happens to you. 

Accepting is the hardest part of the process, because you truly have to accept that it’s your fault you’re not getting things you want. You can’t blame anyone else but yourself. This can also give you strength. I know this gives me lots of strength. 

*Adapting*

Now that you’re aware of where you missed opportunities and accepted that you missed them, it’s time to adapt. You want to be more assertive, so the next time you see that you want something and you see the obstacle, go over the obstacle. You will not succeed immediately, maybe not even the first two, twenty or two hundred times. But the process has to be initiated by yourself. You see where you miss opportunities and you see what you can do to take the opportunity. The door is open; you just have to walk through it yourself. You will feel empowered when you do it the first time, and this makes it easier to walk through the door a second, third, fourth time. 

*Advancing*

This is the last step and it’s the step where you go back to the first step: Listening. This step is where you move on to the next challenge. 

I hope this model gives you something to work with. About forgiveness, you can follow the same model. In that case the most important step is accepting. You have to truly accept that the people treated you like this, you have to accept that they hurt you. The moment you are aware of this and truly accept this, you can make the conscious decision to do with the feeling what you want. I believe your feelings are not in control of you, you are in control of your feelings. I can decide to get angry or not, it’s completely up to me. I do realize that you have this condition that makes this whole process a lot more difficult, but don’t let that stop you, don’t hide behind it or use it as an excuse. You’re in charge, no one else. I hope this helps.

If you have any questions, just post here and feel free to send me PM’s as well of course.


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## INTJellectual (Oct 22, 2011)

Washy said:


> I haven't had a good experience with medications either. I have tried celexa and paxil and got nothing from them. I have decided I will never take antidepressants ever again because of the way people have been affected by them in the past.


Antidepressants usually work after 6 weeks to 2 months of continued use. It would take a longer time before neurotransmitters take effect. Medicines are just good for relieving the symptoms, but it's not really the cure. You might want to try Psychodynamic psychotherapy because I sensed in your post that you have a deep-rooted inner conflicts, and it is in this inner conflicts that psychotherapy might be useful. Please be noted that it would take years before it would have a dramatic effect and it has no guarantee that it will cure you. But if it worked, the result would be drastic (Psychotherapy and psychoanalysis criticizes CBT and medications for not going to the "root" of the problem and that they're only relieving the symptoms of the illness).

And about your coworkers, yes it's hard to have those kind of coworkers you're not comfortable working with. Depression can make you really really extra hypersensitive. I had those coworkers too, and they're the reason why I can't stay longer in a job. Occupational impairment is one of the consequences of Depression, and it's hard because something hinders you from moving forward.

About your dark circles, try whitening eye creams and concealer. Recently I ordered one because I want my undereyes to be the same tone as the rest of my face's skin. There's remedy in every problem.


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## Empty (Sep 28, 2011)

Hi Washy.

I actually glossed over all the other replies because I didn't want to be influenced by what anyone else wrote.

Curiously, and sadly, it seems like you've been going through this for quite some time now. I'm assuming... most of your life from a young age? If not the massive depression, then at least the low self-esteem and perhaps loneliness. Such facts may naturally lead one to an extremely depressive state. Believe me, I suffer from the same shit. And it is precisely shit because there is no better term to describe these phenomena.

What led me to feel the most frustration, rage and hatred, even to this day is simply the question of WHY. Why do people commit such atrocious acts towards other humans? What is the purpose for their idiocy, their selfishness, and their irrationality? Such pondering drove me to find the answers to these questions, a pursuit that pushed me towards a new height of intellectualism that, despite always being within me, was almost destroyed by virtue of the toxic human trash who surrounded me.

I suffered physical, emotional, and psychological violence at the hands of others. When I was 15 years old I vowed to start learning a martial art so I would no longer have to suffer people trying to physically incur upon my person. When I was 17-18, I basically snapped and stopped giving a fuck as to what anyone thought or said of me. It negatively my performance in school, but I still didn't care and ended up doing an above-average job somehow (the virtues of not being born an idiot, I suppose). The primary factor which singularizes the pursuit of "normalization" is the active *"doing."* This is what I believe, but it is a belief rooted in experience and reason. And through doing, you eventually realize there is no normalization. That you've not been fucked in the head the entire time, but merely that you've been unlucky enough to have primary associated with fucked up individuals with either intrinsic or extrinsic sociopathic tendencies. And what are we to do as children in the face of such monsters? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, because we are naive, innocent, and pure. 

So my answer is this: in spite of our situation and the seeming absurdity, uselessness and meaninglessness of existence, if we do not wish to kill ourselves (which is fully within our right as beings with life *imposed* on us--_who _has ever asked to be born?) then we must respond with an appropriate weapon. Don't flee the darkness, but traverse with it. Don't fear the anger, but relish the rage. Use it as the fuel for your own apotheosis. The world is always moving on and if we don't fight, claw and rage our way forward then people like you and I--people born with a predilection for naivety in the face of a savage world--will simply be left behind and trampled to death by the tide of unthinking flesh that is "Life."

This may not be what the "popular" media tells you, with their fucking self-help books and mockeries of the travesty that is biological existence. This may not be what your therapists tell you. Not what your spiritual gurus and priests and mothers and fathers and the old lady next door tell you. But this is my answer to you, a genuine answer of someone who has gone through a similar experience. Forgiveness? Love your enemies? Find meaning in meaningless acts of violence? *FUCK THAT.* My response is phenomenological on EQUAL grounds--I sought _strength_, _power_, and _cunning, _fighting hate with abhorrence, anger with rage, and monsters with the dragon, the greatest monster of all. 

_Dragons are the myth alive in the heart of men. _Muster your dragon and destroy everything.

Or not. I don't know. I'm not religious in the slightest, although perhaps a "dark Buddhism" would suffice. I cannot offer anything regarding your faith. My response is antithetical to the fundamentally Christian worldview, if you follow that tradition.


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## HazelEyes147 (Jan 7, 2015)

Thank so much for sharing Washy! It a tremendous step just sharing what you feel and letting people know how you feel. When you feel severely depressed just think of all the positive memories all the good things that have happened in your live. You have so much to live for! Look at all these strangers, people that don't know you that are giving you support. I can tell you that even though I don't know you, I accept you. There will be other people you will find that will care deeply as well. Sometimes people don't understand depression or mental illness and that is simply because they have never been through it. Although when I told my friends about my struggles with depression they were very understanding. There definitely needs to be more awareness on mental illness. Just keep telling yourself you will be okay, think positive. Think "I will be a survivor of this" or "I refuse to be a victim of depression". I am deeply sorry for how you are feeling. Please continue to seek help and honestly if you ever need to talk on PerC with me about what you are going through feel free. I hope this helps, just know that there are people who understand and accept you.


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## yippy (May 21, 2014)

@Washy So many kind and supportive words have already been directed at you.....it makes it hard for me to add any words to that. Instead I want you to think about two things.

1. It seems the source of your problems in the present have their roots in the past. Old emotions. Old scars. I have them too and I am currently being treated for this. My therapist uses a technique called EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia) and she combines it with energy meridians like an acupuncturist would. It works really well for me, so perhaps you can ask your therapist if she knows how to use this technique or find one who does. That's one thing you could think about.

2. What I gather from your post is that sometimes you feel defeated or you feel as if you have no control over your life and most importantly your thoughts! This is not true. You have more control over your own life than you might imagine. If you want some insights about this watch a movie called 'What the Bleep Do We Know!?' (you can find it on YouTube). It will take up 90 or so minutes of your time, but it is worth it in my opinion. Think about it.


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## yerma (Jun 20, 2014)

Washy said:


> I am sorry if this post is a bit long, but please, read it, for the sake of humanity and kindness. I am very much in need, am seeking to change my life, and would greatly appreciate any helpful advice.
> 
> Those three things in the title cause quite a lot of problems in daily life. They are all extreme as I have major depression, extremely low self-esteem to the point where I sometimes show BPD symptoms, and loneliness so bad that I feel alienated and empty when in a room full of people. I have no friends and am dealing with a heartbreak of losing a year-long girlfriend two and a half months ago, and the intense jealousy of her liking someone else only a few weeks after the break-up. My loneliness is so bad that I once felt euphoric after work after having a long meeting with a couple of coworkers. This died the next day unfortunately. I work alone overnight until people come in during the morning at the end of my shift. I go such long periods of time barely speaking.
> 
> ...



why don't you try crying, seriously crying helps emotions tend to build up within. crying is natural way of reliving the tension. one the pressure is off you an think further, it can inspire positive action, help you to move on, make plans etc. whining and complaining is so negative, just cry it off and make way for a change. there were days when i totally felt helpless. I deal with it by feeling whatever i'am feeling deeply. Try to connect with your own emotions. reflect on your past cry it off if you feel like it. A look at life in your unique perspective. Don't confirm to popular opinion on how you should be, human mind is capable of coping with any hardship or turmoil as long as you allow it to adapt so strike a deal with yourself be your own best friend,learn to love yourself blah..blah..blah. 

I remember somewhere in some movie i saw long back. it was an animated documentary about some war in the middle east. a guy was talking about how he learned to deal with images of tragic war deaths and personal tragedy.
something was being said about observing impersonally. in observation he distanced himself .he wasn't part of the happening he subconsciously distanced both emotionally and intellectually. it was as if he is not at all part of the scene, as if watching a movie or reading a novel .he became numb . we obviously don't connect that emotionally with what a tiny bug might be suffering from, all those chickens slaughtered to make make chicken bucket. level of impersonation you might try achieving with your own reality - *example of coping mechanism.

just saying life is surreal if you seek surreal. you will find plenty, lot of absurdity just laugh it off, in case you feel like crying cry it off. never give up hope because surreal things happen and surreal stuff are cool. If you are willing to psychologically able to separate yourself from wherever your feeling right now through metacognition.

to feel the vibe of what i'am telling you i recommend you to watch these movies Waltz with Bashir,Takeshis'. if found these movies kinda dopey*


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## Indiana Dan (Jun 11, 2013)

Washy said:


> have bad genetic dark circles around my eyes


From my observation, a lot of people who have longstanding depression or other mental issues actually have an underlying physical illness that causes them to feel hopeless after unknowingly living with it for so long. 
Dark circles are usually indicative of either sleep deprivation or malnourishment. It is possible you have a severe allergy to something you are eating daily, such as WHEAT products, for example. This allergy can cause a significant reduction of nutrient absorption/uptake in the small intestine, which will lead to disease.
Also, using marijuana before bed as a daily routine will cause dark circles because the REM sleep cycle is cancelled and the physical body cannot recharge.


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## Washy (Nov 23, 2014)

@HazelEyes147 Thank you for the kind words. I wish I felt accepted by others. When I read "I accept you," something clicked in my mind, like that's the issue. I never feel accepted. It was partially hell when I had a girlfriend because I never felt accepted, and she manipulated me (intentionally made me jealous) several times to make it even worse. I feel such strong anger, severe depression, and a stab to my self-esteem when remembering it. She told me she cared for me and proved the exact opposite through her actions, and ended up abandoning me in my most difficult part of my life. I thought I was loved but was a worthless tool for her to manipulate and feel good about herself. That's something I just cannot stomach and I'm having such a hard time letting go of that.
@yippy I have heard of EMDR and my therapist recommended it for my PTSD. The hard part is finding a practitioner. I don't think there are any near me.
@yerma I wish I could cry about my own problems; this numbness sweeps over me when trying to cry. It's very difficult and I've only done it a handful of times since I developed PTSD two and a half years ago. I can cry while listening to a song or reading the bible, but I can't seem to cry by myself about my issues. The blockage hits me, as if my body is saying, "get over it you're fine." Sometimes I can cry for a short amount of time, and then the numbness will hit me and I stop, and then I have short crying moments throughout the day, as if it's slowly leaking out. I wish I could just pull the plug of PTSD and let my body unwind.



Sunshine Boy said:


> From my observation, a lot of people who have longstanding depression or other mental issues actually have an underlying physical illness that causes them to feel hopeless after unknowingly living with it for so long.


How can I identify what the physical issue is?

Thanks to all who replied. My loneliness has been better lately. My brother brought me into his small social circle and I've been hanging out with them whenever I'm off work. I'm hoping they like me. I often worry I'm too different from them, too quiet and boring, or don't have enough in common with them. All of our personalities are pretty diverse though, so I hope they're accepting towards me. This has improved my depression a bit, and it should get a lot better if we get closer, as I still don't have any real, close best-friends. My self-esteem is still badly damaged and I am working on it. I have anger and rage issues towards myself. For example, if I can't follow instructions to build an entertainment system by myself, I get angry and think "I'm such an idiot, I can't even do this myself. If I still had my ex with me, she'd probably leave me for someone more talented." Even as a kid I had these anger issues. If someone had to help me tie my shoe, I'd be accepting defeat, declaring that I'm not good enough to do something, and it would bring me such strong rage. I am trying so desperately to overcome this. Besides that, I'm still depressed about my ex and fantasize about her a lot. I've never connected so deeply with another human being before and feel chronically lonely without her. I still love her and am worried it won't go away.


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## Liquid Metal (Nov 20, 2014)

I find the best way to stop feeling down is to get angry, then use said anger to solve your problem.


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