# They Say Date Your Best-friend- Then Why This Happened?



## impulsenine (Oct 18, 2020)

Ewok City said:


> I have seen a lot of people posting this issue here, and it surprises me that there are a lot of guys out there who would take advantage of women's affection towards them.


Keep calm, there are enough women who do this too. It's not a men thing.
It's just that men don't post because they shrug and move on.

I would even say that it is more common for a woman to take advantage of a man's affection towards them than the other way around, in reality.

It's just that women make it more subtle and lofty, which is why it doesn't stand out so much.


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## Ewok City (Sep 21, 2020)

impulsenine said:


> Keep calm, there are enough women who do this too. It's not a men thing.
> It's just that men don't post because they shrug and move on.
> 
> I would even say that it is more common for a woman to take advantage of a man's affection towards them than the other way around, in reality.
> ...


Yep, don't worry. I completely agree with you. In fact, I'm surrounded by those kind of women. 

I've experienced what the OP has experienced multiple times. I'm glad that I'm not the only one who understands this.  

I was emphasising on the men because I didn't want to raise that point and cause a debate between men and women, especially when the OP is currently dealing with something on her own.


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## marybluesky (Apr 23, 2012)

impulsenine said:


> Keep calm, there are enough women who do this too. It's not a men thing.
> It's just that men don't post because they shrug and move on.


Keep calm bro; where did I say it's a "man" thing? 
Now let's take a look at some of your words:


impulsenine said:


> If I reconnect with a girl I've been friends with in the past, now I'd do the same, like him.
> 
> Give an unfucked man the opportunity to do it and he'll do it. We don't think about the future all the time, as women tend to do.


Some people MAY think it's a man thing by reading this. MAYBE.


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## ENFPathetic (Apr 3, 2018)

It was a game. The long walks on the beach were fun at the time but now that he's basically completed the game they've lost their shine. Don't take this personally. The dating scene is mostly just a big social game.


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

It still sounds like you moved fast, physically, even if you knew each other for a long time. You didn't have a sexual or romantic relationship for very long, before you consummated it, sounds like.

Maybe that's something you need to talk about.

Sometimes I think that doesn't work well for some people--some people are good moving fast sexually and some aren't imo. I've never been able to really enjoy casual sex or moving quickly, sexually. It takes time for me to feel comfortable with physical intimacy--it's another level of interaction.

What was your night together like? Maybe it was too fast for him or you.

Idk. You should be able to talk to him about this, but it might help you to consider how the night went.

No one knows what your friend is thinking or was thinking, except him. But he could have felt like it was too fast. Or it could have been too fast for you--creating a disconnect when a connection may have been possible otherwise. It could be that it wasn't how he thought it'd be. It could be that you are incompatible or he thinks you are. Could be he prefers the intimacy you had before the sexual intimacy--so the intimacy of friendship (a lot of people get comfortable with the familiar and feel threatened by change, even when it's not bad). Could be a lot of things.


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## marybluesky (Apr 23, 2012)

WickerDeer said:


> What was your night together like? Maybe it was too fast for him or you.
> 
> Idk. You should be able to talk to him about this, but it might help you to consider how the night went.
> 
> No one knows what your friend is thinking or was thinking, except him. But he could have felt like it was too fast. Or it could have been too fast for you--creating a disconnect when a connection may have been possible otherwise. It could be that it wasn't how he thought it'd be.


For me the sexual intimacy was the most natural thing to happen, however it was him who initiated it. No intercourse. He orgasmed another way and was very happy, laughed and thanked me.


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

marybluesky said:


> For me the sexual intimacy was the most natural thing to happen, however it was him who initiated it. No intercourse. He orgasmed another way and was very happy, laughed and thanked me.


Hm.

Idk--so you didn't have intercourse.

Maybe it just turned out that he didn't like the change in dynamic. Perhaps he is comfortable having a friendship, but not necessarily having a sexual relationship and he didn't know it until trying it.

Have you thought about what relationship and sexual compatibility would mean for you? Do you know what it means for him? Maybe you guys have different ideals around it.

Does he value casual sex? Does he want to be in a monogamous relationship with someone?

It sounds like he isn't very nervous if he was very happy and laughed--which I might consider...he might have been taking the situation more casually than you were. Perhaps he wasn't risking the same, emotionally. That is why you feel bad now and perhaps he doesn't.

What were you hoping for? For a long-term relationship? Did you talk to him about what he wanted?

Perhaps he didn't think of the sex the same way you did.

It doesn't mean he was trying to hurt you--some people just don't think of it the same way. Some people, it is much more casual than for other people.

I agree with Ewock--now you are aware he's not the right one.

It sounds like he had to put the breaks on though, because you decided to just take a chance. In the future, you might feel better if you put the breaks on more if you are going to feel hurt if someone treats sex more casually than you.

I realize you already did this by abstaining for five years with him, but perhaps it is better to also slow down even when exploring compatibility for a relationship? idk I wish I had the answers but I don't.

I think it was decent of him to not go all the way to intercourse, especially if he wasn't sure about what he'd feel emotionally because I think you might feel even more hurt than you do now if that was to have happened. Since you feel hurt now and you didn't have intercourse.

Maybe you wanted a romantic relationship and he was thinking it was going to be more of a friends with benefits, casual sex relationship?

And he could sense your hurt feelings, which is why he pulled away. Because you want something that he isn't really prepared to give? (could be for many reasons too--don't feel too bad like it's some reflection on you, people just aren't compatible all the time though it hurts to realize that sometimes)


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## mosquitosoup (Nov 5, 2020)

marybluesky said:


> I see, but why he should've thought I just wanted sex?
> Because I didn't wait another 5 years before sleeping with him?


I'd say before having sex with anyone, you should speak about it before, to determine what each of you want. Yes, it was wrong of him to use you. But for next time, a way to establish that commitment and making sure the person is in it for real/you want the same things is to talk things out...
I don't think there's anything wrong with turning a friendship into a romantic relationship, and in fact I also feel it's important to have a friendship beforehand (that's my personal perspective), but it is risky and I think communicating expectations very clearly to each other from the beginning is really important. Even though, they can be tough/uncomfortable conversations to have. Communication has to be open and honest from the get-go.


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## marybluesky (Apr 23, 2012)

@WickerDeer , as I said in an earlier post, I said straight-forwardly that I wanted a romantic relationship, the BF GF thing. That's simple. I even asked him to take his time and think if he wanted such a relationship with me, and he said he was sure he wanted it.

I can't predict how long-term it would be. I knew I wanted him to be my BF, and that I wanted sex as he wanted. I have an experimental approach towards sex, meaning it's one of those things you discover more and more by spending time with your partner, as you try to find ways to enjoy your time together. You learn more about them- and you- in the process. It is a new discovery with every new person, and I think if you don't have terribly opposite sexual preferences, it can work, why not?

I don't have any particular ideals on sex. I've had casual sex before, it was nice & refreshing. But can't be casual with this friend for whom I've had strong romantic feelings. 

@mosquitosoup , I knew I wanted to have sex. On the other hand, I'd asked him on a romantic relationship, which he'd accepted.


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

@marybluesky

I don't think it's a good idea to enter into a very formal, binding agreement before getting to know someone (physically--I mean...it seems like kind of a dilemma lol).

You could be in a romantic relationship without physical intimacy, but then you would still not know if you were sexually compatible. But maybe it's better to do it this way?

He doesn't sound like a very good friend though, or like you have very good communication. I wonder if it was always that way or if the relationship affected the communication.

Perhaps romantic relationships require more communication about emotions, and more ability to identify and talk about problems, expectations, desires, fears, etc. than your previous friendship?

So while it seemed that you could understand each other with what you discussed, it turned out that your mutual understanding was not very good? Or I guess he could have ulterior motives. Idk--it's too bad if he did though. Did you ask him about it?

Either way--I'm sorry you experienced that. It sounds painful no matter why it happened--whether from his being duplicitous or just both of you being fallible.


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## impulsenine (Oct 18, 2020)

marybluesky said:


> Keep calm bro; where did I say it's a "man" thing?
> Now let's take a look at some of your words:
> 
> Some people MAY think it's a man thing by reading this. MAYBE.


Did you think about...what if you suck in bed and he noticed the lack of compatibility?

Asking men to commit for a romantic relationship before checking this important part - sexual compatibility - is a kinda stupid thing.


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## mosquitosoup (Nov 5, 2020)

marybluesky said:


> @WickerDeer , as I said in an earlier post, I said straight-forwardly that I wanted a romantic relationship, the BF GF thing. That's simple. I even asked him to take his time and think if he wanted such a relationship with me, and he said he was sure he wanted it.
> 
> I can't predict how long-term it would be. I knew I wanted him to be my BF, and that I wanted sex as he wanted. I have an experimental approach towards sex, meaning it's one of those things you discover more and more by spending time with your partner, as you try to find ways to enjoy your time together. You learn more about them- and you- in the process. It is a new discovery with every new person, and I think if you don't have terribly opposite sexual preferences, it can work, why not?
> 
> ...


I'm not talking just about whether you wanted to have sex or not. I'm talking about expectations after sex and expectations of the romantic relationship as well, or even imagining together what can happen if the relationship doesn't work out. Things like exclusivity, casual sex, if you're looking for something serious, etc. Because even the term "romantic relationship" can entail different things for different people. It can be an uncomfortable conversation to have. And this is something I'm suggesting because you were previously friends, so there's the possibility of feelings being hurt or a separation. Just like WickerDeer suggested, even though there was some level of platonic intimacy and affection in your friendship, it doesn't seem like you had good communication, because he wasn't honest with you after the fact and it seems you had to initiate those tough conversations yourself.
Again, this is just for you to consider in future relationships. What happened with this one happened, so for the future it's not really about him anymore, it's about you being able to state your boundaries and not be taken advantage of.


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## marybluesky (Apr 23, 2012)

impulsenine said:


> Did you think about...what if you suck in bed and he noticed the lack of compatibility?


Your reply is totally irrelevant to my quote, must like a "tit-for-tat" thing.
Anyway:

1) Your example is about skill bro not compatibility. The same way you may eat a girl & she hate it. Two ways are ahead: taking your time to learn how to please your partner/ learn them how to please you, or run/ let them run for a skilled person. If you have no patience for exploring & learning and want instant gratification, then you're not romantic relationship material. In this case, it is better to claim the serious relationship from the start so that the ones who don't want it leave as soon as possible.

2) Now compatibility- like sexual preferences, fetishes (if any), ... should be discussed before the "act". It doesn't matter if the relationship is casual or serious, being with an incompatible partner always sucks. Always.

3) The "stupid" part is interesting: so the woman is stupid if she says she wants a committed relationship, and she's again stupid if she doesn't express this but is hurt if the man leaves after sex. It means: the woman is stupid for wanting a committed relationship, whether she expresses is or not. She neither has the right to be hurt. 
I find all this stupid.


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## mosquitosoup (Nov 5, 2020)

I'm sorry about what happened. I had a similar experience with a friend/ex, though it was after a long term relationship. He'd stopped talking to me as often after our breakup and I always had to initiate the conversations. I was hurt because I felt I had been used/he had only been with for the sake of having a romantic relationship. Eventually we sorted it out after giving each other some space and then talking things out honestly and clearing up misunderstandings. We were both willing to talk about it, so that was good (we are friends again now). Though in the end, it was more about me understanding my own worth and moving on, regardless of the conversation we had.
Also forgiving him and myself, though that's a harder step...
I'm adding this in case any of it is helpful, but if you ever need to talk about it with someone, my PMs are open.


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## impulsenine (Oct 18, 2020)

marybluesky said:


> Your reply is totally irrelevant to my quote, must like a "tit-for-tat" thing.
> Anyway:
> 
> 1) Your example is about skill bro not compatibility. The same way you may eat a girl & she hate it. Two ways are ahead: taking your time to learn how to please your partner/ learn them how to please you, or run/ let them run for a skilled person. If you have no patience for exploring & learning and want instant gratification, then you're not romantic relationship material. In this case, it is better to claim the serious relationship from the start so that the ones who don't want it leave as soon as possible.
> ...


Nice.
Now I understand why he left.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

marybluesky said:


> I loved my guy friend for 5 years. We were great friends, talking to each other about our lives' details, helping each other, spending long days in the nature...
> 
> Long story short, despite the romantic tension & light flirtation, we didn't start a relationship. We fell apart two years ago. He started following me on Instagram this March & we restarted going out together. Again, the long walks, jokes & laughs. He was single and I decided to confess my feelings and initiate a romantic relationship, which he accepted immediately. He had a nice, cordial date.
> 
> ...


Yes, this is a double-edged sword. If you pull the trigger on this and it doesn't work, the friendship is usually gone too because it just gets cringy and uncomfortable to get together as friends. Seems like this jagoff wasn't really that good of a friend and just wanted to get laid and was completely willing to sacrifice the friendship to get what he wanted. I'm sorry, but that's a total douche move. Cut this guy off. Yes, a relationship with a friend can work, but some people are just selfish assholes.


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

When someone backs off like that, back off in return and give them room to process. They might return or they might not return. Too often, people get clingy since they understandably fear loss and when someone's processing their emotions, clinging to them can often drive them away.

If he's gaming you, he'll return but only for a late night booty call. I'd personally blow him off at that point.


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## ENTJudgement (Oct 6, 2013)

If u were both attracted to each other, why did it take 5 years of friendship before anything happened?
He probably thinks you're playing games with him coz you kinda had sex with him then refused additional sexual advances and kept doing that push pull thing with sex.
It's unlikely that he was only interested in you for sex since he was with u for 5 yrs, he must be retarded in the head if he truly only wanted u for sex and managed to wait 5 fkin yrs, I wouldn't believe that coz his actions say otherwise.


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## aurora-rosa (Apr 11, 2021)

You certainly knew about his intentions, but you thought you could change him.

If there were no contraceptives or condoms you would not have had sex.
The existence of these things leaves the woman blind in evaluating the values and intentions of the man, because it will not have consequences as pregnancy.


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## marybluesky (Apr 23, 2012)

Hello @tanstaafl28 , I hadn't seen you for a long time!

The friendship couldn't go on like before anyway. In fact, if I had the guts I have today, I didn't bury those feelings in me all those years, suffering in silence seeing him dating other people. I'd rather say all and see what happened.

If he rejected me, it would be sad to lose the friendship, but I couldn't complain: he simply didn't want it.

What pisses me off is the fact that he lost his eagerness to communicate right after our night together.


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## marybluesky (Apr 23, 2012)

ENTJudgement said:


> It's unlikely that he was only interested in you for sex since he was with u for 5 yrs, he must be retarded in the head if he truly only wanted u for sex and managed to wait 5 fkin yrs, I wouldn't believe that coz his actions say otherwise.


A question: have you read my other posts in this thread? 
And can you explain why do you think his actions say otherwise? I hope so.

Yes I denied him further sexual advances as they were booty calls: he stopped to message, call or see me for other things after that night. I didn't want friends with benefits.


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## marybluesky (Apr 23, 2012)

aurora-rosa said:


> You certainly knew about his intentions, but you thought you could change him.
> 
> If there were no contraceptives or condoms you would not have had sex.
> The existence of these things leaves the woman blind in evaluating the values and intentions of the man, because it will not have consequences as pregnancy.


About what intentions? Having sex? I find it normal, I wanted it. The problem isn't the sex. Read my other posts here. We didn't have intercourse. Even if we had, it was totally normal. The problem is another thing. I've explained it earlier 

Unless you think that even after knowing someone and lusting after them for 5 years, then starting to date them, you should still wait some months to have sex. I personally disagree.


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## ENTJudgement (Oct 6, 2013)

marybluesky said:


> A question: have you read my other posts in this thread?
> And can you explain why do you think his actions say otherwise? I hope so.
> 
> Yes I denied him further sexual advances as they were booty calls: he stopped to message, call or see me for other things after that night. I didn't want friends with benefits.


So you're pretty much saying hes a beta orbiter thats orbited around you for 5 yrs in hopes that he'd get sex from you then he got it and hes the one thats messaging you less? Doesn't sound right, look at the facts.

1. If he was a stereotypical beta orbiter, he would never text/communicate with you less than you to him, in fact, he would be extremely happy to receive any texts from you.
2. You said your friendship was great for 5 years, why would he become your friend for 5 years if he just wanted sex from you? This makes no sense what so ever unless he was completely unfuckable and no other girl would give him the time of day which would place him into scenario 1, beta orbiter but why would he be ignoring your texts? Beta orbiters generally wouldn't.

Whats more likely the case is either;
1. He is confused from years of push pull and deep down he does want a relationship with you but getting mixed signals or confused in general.
2. He found someone else to beta orbit over so unless you're offering sex, hes no longer interested in you.
3. You misread the situation completely and missed some crucial details from your post.


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## mosquitosoup (Nov 5, 2020)

ENTJudgement said:


> So you're pretty much saying hes a beta orbiter thats orbited around you for 5 yrs in hopes that he'd get sex from you then he got it and hes the one thats messaging you less? Doesn't sound right, look at the facts.
> 
> 1. If he was a stereotypical beta orbiter, he would never text/communicate with you less than you to him, in fact, he would be extremely happy to receive any texts from you.
> 2. You said your friendship was great for 5 years, why would he become your friend for 5 years if he just wanted sex from you? This makes no sense what so ever unless he was completely unfuckable and no other girl would give him the time of day which would place him into scenario 1, beta orbiter but why would he be ignoring your texts? Beta orbiters generally wouldn't.
> ...


This whole beta orbiter thing lol... Y'all are making relationships way more complicated than they actually are 🙄


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## marybluesky (Apr 23, 2012)

@ENTJudgement 
Where did I tell he pursued me 5 years just to have sex??

I liked the term "beta orbit (er)" too much. 🤣😂😂


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## ENTJudgement (Oct 6, 2013)

marybluesky said:


> @ENTJudgement
> Where did I tell he pursued me 5 years just to have sex??


_


marybluesky said:



I loved my guy friend for 5 years.
(he told me he'd been attracted to me the first day we met, as I was to him)

Click to expand...

_If you can confirm with certainty that he definitely does not want a relationship with you and hes in fact single and not dating anyone then it's safe to assume that hes moved on from you and been beta orbiting someone else but would not deny sex.


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

ENTJudgement said:


> If you can confirm with certainty that he definitely does not want a relationship with you and hes in fact single and not dating anyone then it's safe to assume that hes moved on from you and been beta orbiting someone else but would not deny sex.


Deny has the implication of entitlement. No one's entitled to sex. They were platonic friends for five years and she only refused his booty call. Her body, her right to say 'No'.


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## ENTJudgement (Oct 6, 2013)

mia-me said:


> Deny has the implication of entitlement. No one's entitled to sex. They were platonic friends for five years and she only refused his booty call. Her body, her right to say 'No'.


I have no idea what you're saying, my sentence means that hes moved on but hes not going to deny sex if you offer it.


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

ENTJudgement said:


> I have no idea what you're saying, my sentence means that hes moved on but hes not going to deny sex if you offer it.


Deny is grammatically incorrect. The word should be 'refuse'.


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## X10E8 (Apr 28, 2021)

marybluesky said:


> I loved my guy friend for 5 years. We were great friends, talking to each other about our lives' details, helping each other, spending long days in the nature...
> 
> Long story short, despite the romantic tension & light flirtation, we didn't start a relationship. We fell apart two years ago. He started following me on Instagram this March & we restarted going out together. Again, the long walks, jokes & laughs. He was single and I decided to confess my feelings and initiate a romantic relationship, which he accepted immediately. He had a nice, cordial date.
> 
> ...


Oh, I see, that's very sad.....I just want to add that you shouldn't expect a relationship with him because he's more of a f***k buddy than a genuine partner. Now is the time to move on.


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## Electra (Oct 24, 2014)

marybluesky said:


> It's the fact not my guess: he wanted to come in midnight, but didn't contact me otherwise.


Maybe he had too high expectations for what that night would be like, maybe he didn't think you clicked in bed, maybe you hurt him in some way, maybe he just needs more time?


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## Electra (Oct 24, 2014)

Ewok City said:


> I'm so sorry to hear about that. 😟
> 
> I have seen a lot of people posting this issue here, and it surprises me that there are a lot of guys out there who would take advantage of women's affection towards them.
> 
> ...


What would these actions look like? Marriage?


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## Electra (Oct 24, 2014)

Maybe he has been watching porn and in lack if true experience; thinks that is what actual sex is like 😔


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## Ewok City (Sep 21, 2020)

Electra said:


> What would these actions look like? Marriage?


Anything that would show that he's serious about building a future together. For example, planning the future, getting to know your parents and social circle, taking interest in what your interests are, etc.


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## Ewok City (Sep 21, 2020)

-


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## Ewok City (Sep 21, 2020)

Please ignore this post, I accidentally sent 2 duplicate messages. 🙃


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## impulsenine (Oct 18, 2020)

Electra said:


> Maybe he has been watching porn and in lack if true experience; thinks that is what actual sex is like 😔


Someone must be quite retarded to believe that sex is as boring and mundane as porn make it seem.
The truth is that most are even at a lower level than that anyway.


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## Electra (Oct 24, 2014)

impulsenine said:


> Someone must be quite retarded to believe that sex is as boring and mundane as porn make it seem.
> The truth is that most are even at a lower level than that anyway.


Well; that is what I read somewhere.


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## Electra (Oct 24, 2014)

Ewok City said:


> Please ignore this post, I accidentally sent 2 duplicate messages. 🙃


No problems, I also do that quite a lot! 😄


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## marybluesky (Apr 23, 2012)

Electra said:


> Maybe he has been watching porn and in lack if true experience; thinks that is what actual sex is like 😔


Are you talking about my friend? If yes, how do you know?


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## Electra (Oct 24, 2014)

marybluesky said:


> Are you talking about my friend? If yes, how do you know?


Just a wild guess. This problem has been brought up quite a lot in the news here lately...the access to porn is generally easy, but access to real stuff is hard.


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## Electra (Oct 24, 2014)

@marybluesky also I want to add that there has been several attempts to stop this the last years, such as porn-feminism, (porn who makes sex good for females too and for example illustrates female orgasm and lust and respects boundaries), a show called Naked Attraction (dating show with real people in the nude) and Body Postivism. (Promotes a positive outlook on the body even uf not perfect)
Also people are made aware if dopamine addiction when watching porn which can numb them and kill their sex drive from feeling sexual attraction when engaging in it in real life


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## Electra (Oct 24, 2014)




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## Electra (Oct 24, 2014)




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## shameless (Apr 21, 2014)

Not a very nice friend to do that to you.

He should have been transparent if all he wanted was sex. Rather than exploit your feelings for him haven been his friend.

That’s too bad. Sorry. Hope you’re ok.


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## Dezir (Nov 25, 2013)

marybluesky said:


> I loved my guy friend for 5 years. We were great friends, talking to each other about our lives' details, helping each other, spending long days in the nature...
> 
> Long story short, despite the romantic tension & light flirtation, we didn't start a relationship. We fell apart two years ago. He started following me on Instagram this March & we restarted going out together. Again, the long walks, jokes & laughs. He was single and I decided to confess my feelings and initiate a romantic relationship, which he accepted immediately. He had a nice, cordial date.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry this happened to you. Some people argue that you should others that you shouldn't date your friends.

There are a lot more pretentions and expectations in a relationship than in a friendship. Which is why I have mixed feelings about transitioning from friendship to romantic relationship. Because it's not the same type of relationship.

Others may do this from a place of insecurity, many people think they are going to be forever alone their whole life, will remain single the rest of their lives, it's common.

Was your friend your first romantic interest? Whoever has sleept with you for the first time is a saint. You will never forget your first. The first moments are always the most memorable. It's about the story which makes us put a halo on people and afford them many things we otherwise wouldn't.

I'm asking this because despite the fact he said he's been mostly interested in sex, he used you, you still want to be his friend, or better said: at least his friend. I think you're giving him more than he deserves. I could be wrong but I imagine it long-term: this guy was friend with you for 5 years, for how long did he only wanted to have sex with you? I understand if he wanted a relationship with you, if he was secretly in love with you, but it turns out he wasn't. And that is not cool.

Don't blame yourself for this happening to you, it's not your fault. You are right, don't sleep soon with strangers, get to know them, you can't trust everyone randomly, you got to win the person. When they first meet you people are like "this person is okay" but they don't automatically have confidence in you. However, in your friend's case, you knew him for 5 years, there's no way you could have possibly predicted what happened, it's just impossible to have seen it coming.

You got to understand the emotions of other people. For this, you got to be mentally present and look at them. But in your case, I find it literally impossible to predict such a thing.

I'm sorry that you went from such an amazing moment to a downer moment. If there is any consolation, you said you wanted to know what that guys is feeling, now you know. I know you are dissapinted and hurt by it, but it beats not knowing. 

What to do anymore? Forget him, given what he did to you, I'm socked you aren't upset and surprised how much you cared about him. It's a shame the feeling wasn't mutual. But he effectively used you and dropped you.

I can't tell with certainity what happened with your friendship, but if I were to guess, honestly, I'd say it was never there. It may have meant a lot more to you than it did to him. He was willing to use you and drop you, you were not.


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

I would hesitate to call this a 'use' scenario. They were friends for five years so during that time, there must have been mutual enjoyment of the situation. That said, his most recent actions might point towards a discrepancy in their definitions of relationship. She was looking for a romantic, monogamous situation and he might have interpreted her actions as wanting an FWB. Also, the night they had together was enjoyable to both of them.


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## marybluesky (Apr 23, 2012)

@Dezir ,

My friend wasn't my first romantic interest. Far from it.😄 He wasn't the first guy I've slept with, either.
But he was definitely the greatest love of my life up to this day .

I don't want to be his friend, I can't. My point was, well, if you date a guy for some weeks, sleep with him, then he parts, you learn he's been faking romance for the sake of sex; while in my case, a friend of several years who spent time with me without wanting anything in return has been interested only in sex after the first time we slept together. It's odd.

I don't blame myself. Not at all. But am surprised in a bad way. I also doubt if any real friendship ever existed between us: sounds like I considered him to be my friend while he just used to warm up to people, at best.


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## marybluesky (Apr 23, 2012)

@mia-me the night was enjoyable for both of us, I don't regret it. 

But as I explained in previous posts, there is no way he could "assume" I was after FWB as I was clear about what I wanted, for good or bad, & asked him to take his time to think about it


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

marybluesky said:


> @mia-me the night was enjoyable for both of us, I don't regret it.
> 
> But as I explained in previous posts, there is no way he could "assume" I was after FWB as I was clear about what I wanted, for good or bad, & asked him to take his time to think about it


I guess I'm concerned about this messing with your head/heart, relative to future possibilities for platonic and non-platonic relationships. So, rather than allow it to scar you in any way, instead of demonizing him, accept this as what it turned out to be, something passing and enjoyable while it lasted.


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## marybluesky (Apr 23, 2012)

mia-me said:


> I guess I'm concerned about this messing with your head/heart, relative to future possibilities for platonic and non-platonic relationships. So, rather than allow it to scar you in any way, instead of demonizing him, accept this as what it turned out to be, something passing and enjoyable while it lasted.


I see, I guess I've not been demonizing him, people here didn't think I still want to be his friend otherwise.

I just won't give him any credit more than he deserves in the future.


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

marybluesky said:


> I see, I guess I've not been demonizing him, people here didn't think I still want to be his friend otherwise.
> 
> *I just won't give him any credit more than he deserves in the future.*


That's reasonable and likely a worthwhile lesson to have learned. 

Oh, one issue. What you experienced is why a lot of women won't confess their feelings first.


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## marybluesky (Apr 23, 2012)

mia-me said:


> What you experienced is why a lot of women won't confess their feelings first.


Yes, however I don't regret it. 

As I said, I was in love for a long time & if it didn't find an "outlet" for this secret emotion it was likely to remain unresolved 

To be honest, chances are I do it again in my life (confessing my feelings).
👻


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

marybluesky said:


> Yes, however I don't regret it.
> 
> As I said, I was in love for a long time & if it didn't find an "outlet" for this secret emotion it was likely to remain unresolved
> 
> ...


Then you're good to go! 😄


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## Penny (Mar 24, 2016)

marybluesky said:


> I loved my guy friend for 5 years. We were great friends, talking to each other about our lives' details, helping each other, spending long days in the nature...
> 
> Long story short, despite the romantic tension & light flirtation, we didn't start a relationship. We fell apart two years ago. He started following me on Instagram this March & we restarted going out together. Again, the long walks, jokes & laughs. He was single and I decided to confess my feelings and initiate a romantic relationship, which he accepted immediately. He had a nice, cordial date.
> 
> ...


Honestly, I think you refusing him probably turned him off. Maybe he thinks you were trying to play head games with him or didnt enjoy the sex. He stated that he was only interested in sex and it seemed pretty obvious to me that you were looking for more after he let you know that and maybe thats what drove him away. Or maybe he is interested in more but was afraid for whatever reason. Some men bottle up their emotions or are uncomfortable with them. Does he seem like that type? Did you make him feel like he was good in bed? That can be a big thing for guys. I mean he could have just wanted to get into your pants the whole time and was satisfied with what he got. There are so many things that it could be. If you two are good friends then I would just give it some time.


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## marybluesky (Apr 23, 2012)

@Penny ,

He said he was mostly interested in sex not at the start, but after I confronted him about why he didn't contact me, it was more than a week after that night.

Maybe he's uncomfortable with his emotions. While he is sociable and warm in gatherings, he's nice, but more silent & sober in private. I guess he's So/sx, while I'm Sx/sp- socially inapt somehow, but ardent inside. He mingles well with different types of people & is more popular than me, while in private, I'm the talkative one who makes him laugh.

That said, in our intimate moments his face shined, he bursted in laughter & was excited in a good way I had rarely seen. I showed him how I adored his body, how I even loved some aspects of intimacy he felt insecure about. I was more than willing to give him pleasure, as his mere presence was a joy, let alone the rest, & really enjoyed seeing & sensing his physical movements. The next morning I sent him a pm, saying that I was still intoxicated by that experience.


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## Penny (Mar 24, 2016)

marybluesky said:


> @Penny ,
> 
> He said he was mostly interested in sex not at the start, but after I confronted him about why he didn't contact me, it was more than a week after that night.
> 
> ...


hmm. i wonder what is up with him. give him some time anyway to come around. i know one of my ex-boyfriends ran cold for a while because he was afraid of getting hurt. guess hed been burned really bad and hadnt been in a relationship for like five years before we met. men can be very sensitive and its worse when they cant express it. i mean i dont know if thats the case with him but it could be.


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## Lonewaer (Jul 14, 2014)

> They Say Date Your Best-friend- Then Why This Happened?


Because he's not your best friend, and not your friend. He's mainly trying to smash.


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

Lonewaer said:


> Because he's not your best friend, and not your friend. He's mainly trying to smash.


For five years?


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## impulsenine (Oct 18, 2020)

I forgot, if you feel like....you need a new best friend, I'm open to that.


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