# [Trigger Warning]; Ten Tips on Dealing with the Aftermath of Sexual Assault



## Shabby (Feb 14, 2013)

I have found that dealing with the aftermaths of sexual harassment, abuse, or assault can be one of the most emotionally-ripping experiences that one can go through. 


It becomes even harder to talk about it because of several reasons:
1) It is a taboo in certain societies
2) depending on the context, rape is linked to the concept of "shame" and/or pity. 
3) admitting vulnerability. 
4) If you are male, it is linked with homosexuality, and therefore you may be perceived as or feel emasculated. 
5) Depending on context, family honor. 
6) Pride 
(amongst other things)


So how can we work through all of these things in order to learn how to deal with the aftermath of such a traumatic event? 


There are certain tactics or reminders we should use when trying to process such an event. 


1) It is *NEVER* your fault. No matter what you were wearing, what you were saying, how you flicked your hair, how you flexed your muscles, etc… 
Rape is all about asserting power. The person at fault here is not you, no matter who you may be, but the rapist.

2) *Be patient with yourself. *Such a horrific ordeal can have ramifications much later than the original time of the event. You need to be able to stay self-aware and recognize where you have been effected and take the time to talk to yourself. How are you feeling? No, really. How are you feeling?
Where do you feel you have been compromised? Are you angry? sad? disappointed? 


And who are you angrier at? Yourself or your rapist/harraser? 


It is important to remember that when dealing with all of your emotions it is useless to review the 'what ifs'. Many of us do this anyway, "what if I had been stronger?", "What if I had not worn that skirt?", What if I weren't as flamboyant?", "what if I had taken this street instead of that?" and the what-ifs can go on and on. It does not matter if you could have done anything differently now because what's done is done. It is time to move forward and heal yourself. Sometimes it is easier to be hard *on* yourself rather than to be kind *to* yourself - this is not one of those times. 


3) *Talk to someone. *Find a friend, family member, stranger on a forum, therapist, etc… and talk to them. However, choose the person wisely, as the person you will talk to needs to be someone who recognizes rape as a violent act, and needs to not pity you but listen to you, not judge you but support you, not spew hatred (be it homophobia - if you were raped by the same sex, shaming, etc) but figure out alternative ways to help you overcome the different reactions your emotional, mental, and physical state may go through. 


4) Directly following sexual assault, *distance yourself* (at least for a while) from anyone who brings negativity into your life. You need loving energy around you. No added stress factors! 


5) If you are in a relationship, be as brutally honest with your partner as you can without overstepping your boundaries. Your partner needs to understand that this subject should be approached with care and that there may be things that you can not do sexually, physically, etc because of your trauma. If your partner says anything that makes YOU feel shameful, disgusting, anxious, or anything negative you need to call them out immediately. Trust and respect are the foundations for any good relationship, and there is nothing more important than respecting the issues that have molded the person you are with. Again, there is NOTHING for you to feel shameful or disgusting about. Your experiences shape you as a human and no matter how ugly or beautiful they may be - no one has the right to shame you for them. 


Also,* if you are having rape fantasies, it is okay*. Post-assault, many individuals may be turned on or intrigued by rape scenes or play. This recreation in a healthy "consensual, non-consensual' manner is perfectly natural. It allows you to recreate and control the trauma in your own way. There is nothing wrong with that as long as everyone involved is taking part in a consensual manner. If you have the desire to follow through with your fantasy into actual rape play, then make sure you do so with a partner who understands your trauma, have complete trust in, and knows how to give you what you want while being supportive and gentle in a language you understand. 


6) Drugs, alcohol, over-eating/not-eating to make yourself feel better may be a temporary solution, but don't try to use them as a bandage to mask your trauma. *Enjoy them for the relief they may bring but realize that they will not solve the root of the problem *and you need to tackle this with introspection, honesty, support, and love. 


7) *Do not lock yourself up *(either mentally, emotionally, or physically. It is the hardest part but allow those who you truly trust to be there to offer advice (you don't have to take it), support, love, and positive thinking!


8) Remind yourself that *you have a future* and you still have the ability to plan for it! Perhaps make a list of all the things you want to do, all the things you need to look forward to. A little positive thinking can go a long way. 


9) The most important thing is to *allow yourself to process*. You do not have to forgive or to forget but you do need to allow yourself to go through all the emotions that you have pertaining to this. The event and the emotions and thoughts attached to it may go away for a couple of months, and come back, then repeat the cycle but that is okay. Allow for it to happen. 


10) *Get tested. * Many individuals do not get themselves tested for an STI (sexually transmitted infection) after being raped/assaulted because they are ashamed or just want to forget about it. However, in the case that an infection is transmitted, it is better to catch it early on and try to prevent/cure it then to wait for it to worsen. 




I hope this proved to be helpful. Was there anything anyone feels I should add to this list?


----------

