# Sketchy Men Don't Mind Being the "Other"



## pinkrasputin (Apr 13, 2009)

Now that I'm in a relationship, I seriously can't believe how many guys continue to hit on me, _even though they know I'm in a new relationship_. They truly don't mind being perceived as the "other man".

Although there are women who do this (date men who are in relationships), I don't think men are as tormented being the "other man" as some women are being the "other woman". Nope. Some men in my current path know that I'm totally in a healthy and happy relationship, but wouldn't mind receiving my current guy's scraps. 

Now I 've set appropriate boundaries. But these guys don't mind _breaking_ these boundaries.

You're gross.

Men with whom it applies-why don't you mind receiving scraps?


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## 7rr7s (Jun 6, 2011)

Well, when you really think about it, we're all recieveing someone's scraps. Unless they are a virgin. Are they actually trying to get with you, or are they just joking around? Maybe they just haven't gotten laid in a while. Either way, it does sound pretty sketchy.


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## pinkrasputin (Apr 13, 2009)

KindOfBlue06 said:


> Well, when you really think about it, we're all recieveing someone's scraps. Unless they are a virgin. Are they actually trying to get with you, or are they just joking around? Maybe they just haven't gotten laid in a while. Either way, it does sound pretty sketchy.


They want to meet me in the hot tub in the community I'm living. 

In addition, a person wrote me at 11:00 at night. There is no way in hell I would have responded in my single dating days. But I mistook "Hey baby, you miss me?" for my current guy writing me upstairs so I wrote "Yes! Thank God you wrote me. I am coming up now." Yes, a stupid "F" up. 

Okay, keep in my mind the guy who wrote me at 11:00 pm knows I'm in a healthy and happy relationship. However, he also knows how close I live to him now. Is that really what it's all about?

And yes, my current partner knows about all this and my mistakes. He finds it funny.


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## Wellsy (Oct 24, 2011)

Not everyone is respectful of the informal contract that exists when people are in a relationship. They're not the most refined of individuals, you'll find many the type anywhere I would assume.
I'm sure you already know all you need to know to play it safe in that kind of scenario being to keep such men at a distance and all.

But what motivates them is selfish desire and lack of concern for ones contentment in their relationship. Ideally all people would respect such things but the world doesnt appear ideal. Im sure theres some men who find it hard to turn down sex oddly enough, no matter the consequences. Some people get into some serious drama following their dick.


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## MelissaC (May 23, 2012)

There are guys who would flirt shamelessly when I was married, but stopped seemingly the instant I left my husband (for reasons completely unrelated to these flirts) and took off my ring. There are also women I've known who "hunt" married men, and it's something I don't understand either. What is it...just an ego thing, proving you can persuade someone to cheat on their SO? Pretty reprehensible no matter what your moral stance on such things.


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## Zletta (Sep 25, 2012)

I don't want to be the "other" girl to someone, but I don't mind being the only girl to a woman who has a man in her life. I feel like I can do things for her that her guy isn't doing for her.
That doesn't mean I go out looking for it, but if a woman is upfront and honest about her relationship with a man, I don't mind being flirted with and asked out. If I'm interested, I'll get into some sort of relationship with her as long as there's good communication and clear expectations and understanding.

Oh, also, sometimes I immensely enjoy flirting with gay/bi men, whether or not they have a man in their life haha (as long as they don't have a female SO). In this instance, I also don't mind being a "girlfriend", fake or otherwise.roud:


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## Erbse (Oct 15, 2010)

pinkrasputin said:


> why don't you mind receiving scraps?


Doesn't matter had sex.


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## android654 (Jan 19, 2010)

Deliberately seeking someone out because they're taken or some you know who's taken is pretty scummy, but if approached by someone new who was taken... I've been down that road before.


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## ForsakenMe (Aug 30, 2010)

It's so infuriating, especially when they literally SEE YOU HUGGING AND KISSING YOUR CURRENT PARTNER! Like, you cannot be anymore obvious than that! :angry:

I for one definitely do notice that more and more men keep hitting on me when I am with someone more so than when I'm single. They say that when a woman is in a happy relationship, she radiates more confidence and other men pick this up. Men like confidence and they love to see a happy woman, it's naturally attractive to them. So they go after her.

That's all it is, OP. You are glowing from all the happiness that the other men are acting like moths towards it. :laughing:


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## Twoshoe (Mar 2, 2011)

Maybe they really feel your lucky charms are worth the wait.


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## zelder (Apr 17, 2011)

I believe that there are two realities being manifest here. 

1) A casual perusal of an NSA hookup site will reveal that "men looking" dominate the users. Men looking for women, or men looking for men or men looking for couples. There are always tons of men looking. Men are typically much more eager to engage in casual nsa sex than women. They just want to get laid and move on. 

2) You have probably come across as the type of woman that is into casual NSA sex. If you have been with these guys already then it's especially no surprise that they assume that a little nsa on the side is no big deal. It's never been a big deal before and I'm guessing there has not been a neon sign flashing that your relationship is a really big deal either. It's difficult for a lot of people to fuck around and then just stop. Something like a wedding might help them clue in to the idea that you are committed but from what I have loosely observed, you get in and out of relationships fairly quick. If I had been fucking you, I probably wouldn't take your relationship too seriously either. 

If you remain committed, the old fuck buddies will eventually clue in and stop calling. It's probably just a little difficult for them to switch gears as quickly as you seem to.


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## MuChApArAdOx (Jan 24, 2011)

Could it be a power trip ? I see these men at wanting to have some sort of power or bragging rights. Regardless they are the scum of the earth who have nothing going on for them. I wonder if they think to themselves, hey, maybe if i come between these two people, i win. Maybe they get pleasure out of knowing they could somehow breakdown people sexually, giving them a thrill. I know where you're coming from here, it says a lot about who they are. No wonder they're single, women like you have already caught on to their manipulation tactics. Such a turn off, vomit. They can't find a women of their own so they resort to settling on scraps of their fantasy. Then of course you always have the ones who are having their cake and eating it too, double scum.


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## Hruberen (Jan 2, 2012)

I don't find myself attracted to women based on whether or not they are in a relationship I assume they're single until proven otherwise, I don't ask. I figure if they want a new man in their life they won't say anything about having a significant other, if they don't then they'll say that they have a boyfriend, regardless of whether it's true or not.

Keeps my hands clean and makes sense.

If I know she has a boyfriend/girlfriend I back off because I don't like sloppy seconds.


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## pinkrasputin (Apr 13, 2009)

MuChApArAdOx said:


> Could it be a power trip ? I see these men at wanting to have some sort of power or bragging rights. Regardless they are the scum of the earth who have nothing going on for them. I wonder if they think to themselves, hey, maybe if i come between these two people, i win. Maybe they get pleasure out of knowing they could somehow breakdown people sexually, giving them a thrill. I know where you're coming from here, it says a lot about who they are. No wonder they're single, women like you have already caught on to their manipulation tactics. Such a turn off, vomit. They can't find a women of their own so they resort to settling on scraps of their fantasy. Then of course you always have the ones who are having their cake and eating it too, double scum.


omg. This so much. 

And if I've ever doubted their intentions before, this just proves to me they've always had sleazy intentions. I just can't believe some will even hit harder now that they know I'm taken. But it would fit along with your theory. Blech.


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## AstralSoldier (Jun 18, 2012)

pinkrasputin said:


> Now that I'm in a relationship, I seriously can't believe how many guys continue to hit on me, _even though they know I'm in a new relationship_. They truly don't mind being perceived as the "other man".
> 
> Although there are women who do this (date men who are in relationships), I don't think men are as tormented being the "other man" as some women are being the "other woman". Nope. Some men in my current path know that I'm totally in a healthy and happy relationship, but wouldn't mind receiving my current guy's scraps.
> 
> ...


Well to start broadly I think 'men with questionable morals/self-concepts' don't mind being the "Other". Testosterone _*alone *_isn't a factor in these situations because a guy whether who is in a committed relationship or not, should have the moral understanding that this is wrong. Biologically speaking, men do have a higher sex drive because of testosterone, but that doesn't mean you act on it when the opportunity arises when you, or the object of your interest is in a relationship....we're humans, and we know better. I think it's wrong to do this, and a slap in the girls face, but for some reason that's not always a factor in most men's thinking...I mean, since the guy did know you were in another relationship, lump him in with the 'neanderphallic' types who thinks with his dick and leave him be, I'm sure he'd rather play with himself than to seriously think he stood a chance with you if you were committed to the relationship you were in. Just yuck it up in your head as one of those stupid things people say.

Women are capable of this behavior too, but I think it's more for 'physical/emotional security' reasons, but also like men, they can demonstrate a flagrant disregard for a man in a committed relationship when their ego is on the line as well...I've had women approach me when I was in a relationship, and told them I was, but they didn't seem to care, in fact, they thought I was due for a 'tune up'? lol That being said, I think we can say this is a mutual fact that is present in the behavior of males and females alike...

fact is, why don't _*PEOPLE *_mind receiving scraps? Because they're _*CONTENT *_with receiving scraps...and I'm not. :dry:


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## Playful Proxy (Feb 6, 2012)

Because some men just want sex and the relationship really doesn't matter to them? I guess if that's what you mean by scraps. Or do they actually want a emotional connection? If so, I suspect a huge lack of self-confidence.


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## downsowf (Sep 12, 2011)

I think commitment phobic men would probably be more prone to do this. There's no pressure of a relationship.


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## TWN (Feb 16, 2012)

Its odd that you consider yourself a scrap.

I plan on sharing my goods with at most two men. They dont look at me like im a scrap.

When women get with married/taken men it's because they want to break up their union. They want a piece of the pie.

Most men dont want this when they are having sex wit married women. They can fuck a hot housewife, and dont have to pay for her lifestyle? Score! 


*
Most men see pussy as pussy. 
*


Heh.


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## NT the DC (May 31, 2012)

Banging someone who is with someone else isn't scraps. 
That's called NSA sex, well unless the gal is jumping ship.
After the cherry is popped it's all scraps anyway ;P


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## stone100674 (Jun 22, 2012)

Sorry @pinkrasputin,:wink: but not even for you would I lower myself to being the other man. I can run down the list of reasons why, but it boils down to this: I'm not scum. I wouldn't break my morals for a piece of tail, it's just not worth it.


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## pinkrasputin (Apr 13, 2009)

stone100674 said:


> Sorry @pinkrasputin,:wink: but not even for you would I lower myself to being the other man. I can run down the list of reasons why, but it boils down to this: I'm not scum. I wouldn't break my morals for a piece of tail, it's just not worth it.


That's pretty damn hot.

:tongue:


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## Blacktide (Sep 16, 2012)

pinkrasputin said:


> Now that I'm in a relationship, I seriously can't believe how many guys continue to hit on me, _even though they know I'm in a new relationship_. They truly don't mind being perceived as the "other man".
> 
> Although there are women who do this (date men who are in relationships), I don't think men are as tormented being the "other man" as some women are being the "other woman". Nope. Some men in my current path know that I'm totally in a healthy and happy relationship, but wouldn't mind receiving my current guy's scraps.
> 
> ...


I don't really understand it either, but I think it has something to do with people wanting what they can't have. People never interested in you before might start thinking, damn I should have grabbed her while I had the chance.


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## pinkrasputin (Apr 13, 2009)

Blacktide said:


> I don't really understand it either, but I think it has something to do with people wanting what they can't have. People never interested in you before might start thinking, damn I should have grabbed her while I had the chance.


That's the other thing that frustrates me. I'm a runner and in my common circle of runner friends there was this other single male runner. We went to parties and he would talk to me, but he never really made a move or asked me out for a date. He just flattered me here and there. Eventually a really good girl friend of his told me he had a crush on me. But how would I know that? He never said anything. My life went on. He's an ESTJ, btw.

So now I'm happy and everyone in my running circle knows I'm the happiest I've ever been in a relationship. I've even introduced my boyfriend to my friends, including the runner ESTJ.

This past weekend I volunteered at a race. I rode up and back with a group of running friends who were all volunteering (It was in the mountains because it was a trail race.) The ESTJ runner drove. I was without my boyfriend. He ended up hitting on me so hard core, that even my 15 year old daughter was uncomfortable and told me about it later.

What the hell is up with that? I was like single for a year and running along side this man, went to parties and get-togethers, etc. But he never asked me out on a date. Now, he inappropriately hits on me in front of everyone, including my daughter?

In addition, this weekend a guy I once dated found out I was living in the same housing community as him. He texted me out of the blue to ask me out. So I responded "We are living in the same community and I am living with my boyfriend." He has sent me about 4 texts to meet him for a glass of wine or dinner since I sent that text 

Another guy, I had once lightly dated last year and had actually pondered a relationship with, also contacted me this weekend. That one was the worse. He contacted me at like 11:00 at night (hmmm.... what does he want? ). I was downstairs finishing up administrative work on my lap top. My boyfriend was already upstairs in bed. No one usually texts me at that time so I just assumed it was my boyfriend being silly trying to get me to bed. So the text said, "Hey- You miss me yet?" Before I even bothered to look at who it was from, I sent a text back "Yes! Thank God you wrote me, I'm coming right up!".

Once I got to bed and kissed my mate I told him, "Thank you for the text." He of course responded "What text?" To my horror I looked at my phone and saw that I responded to some idiot from ages ago who obviously was going for a booty call. I was pissed!

And then the idiot responded, "Call me!" And I texted him back and said, "I'm in bed with my boyfriend!"

Oh my God. I can't even tell you how this guy responded. He is such a pig. Yep, pigs are revealing themselves now that I'm in a relationship. Obviously, I had some really good intuition to never get into a relationship with these stupid men who obviously want to just play around. Ew. But yeah, that guy too didn't seem to care I had a boyfriend.

It could also just be a guy going "Hmm.. I haven't heard from her in a while...that's hot. I think I'll try to DO her!". Or with the ESTJ it's "Hmmm... her attention is on someone else, so now I'm going to finally have balls and put it out there that I want to be with her." WTF?!


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## Blacktide (Sep 16, 2012)

pinkrasputin said:


> That's the other thing that frustrates me. I'm a runner and in my common circle of runner friends there was this other single male runner. We went to parties and he would talk to me, but he never really made a move or asked me out for a date. He just flattered me here and there. Eventually a really good girl friend of his told me he had a crush on me. But how would I know that? He never said anything. My life went on. He's an ESTJ, btw.
> 
> So now I'm happy and everyone in my running circle knows I'm the happiest I've ever been in a relationship. I've even introduced my boyfriend to my friends, including the runner ESTJ.
> 
> ...


Hey wanna go out sometime? :tongue:


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## Particulate (Sep 21, 2012)

pinkrasputin said:


> Now that I'm in a relationship, I seriously can't believe how many guys continue to hit on me, _even though they know I'm in a new relationship_. They truly don't mind being perceived as the "other man".
> 
> Although there are women who do this (date men who are in relationships), I don't think men are as tormented being the "other man" as some women are being the "other woman". Nope. Some men in my current path know that I'm totally in a healthy and happy relationship, but wouldn't mind receiving my current guy's scraps.
> 
> ...



I've been the other man a few times but I've never actively pursued being the other man. The very concept of "cheating" is a rather blurry thing, especially in the split between genders. But there's been a series of people who have proposition/ petitioned me for everything ranging from casual amusements to fulfilling them in ways they weren't actively being fulfilled with their partner.

I don't judge and frankly I don't care. I enjoy sex. I like it so much that sometimes its not just about quality but quantity. I like having different flavors of relationships. If someone's relationship is so flawed that they're going to start hooking up with their tailor then I really, really don't have the expertise to set them on the right course... especially considering my own affinities. I've only flat out turned someone down once and that was just because she was going into things on impulse. Beyond that I simply don't care. It's an entirely physical exchange to me.

I got caught once. The guy really didn't like my claim that it was her idea, made some statements about how I should have said no or been a decent guys but please... if people are happy in a relationship then they're not going to cheat. Like I said I never went out of my way to start something with someone that was already in a relationship but I'm hardly one to say no. They wouldn't be asking if things weren't already damaged in some way.


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## Blacktide (Sep 16, 2012)

Particulate said:


> I've been the other man a few times but I've never actively pursued being the other man. The very concept of "cheating" is a rather blurry thing, especially in the split between genders. But there's been a series of people who have proposition/ petitioned me for everything ranging from casual amusements to fulfilling them in ways they weren't actively being fulfilled with their partner.
> 
> I don't judge and frankly I don't care. I enjoy sex. I like it so much that sometimes its not just about quality but quantity. I like having different flavors of relationships. If someone's relationship is so flawed that they're going to start hooking up with their tailor then I really, really don't have the expertise to set them on the right course... especially considering my own affinities. I've only flat out turned someone down once and that was just because she was going into things on impulse. Beyond that I simply don't care. It's an entirely physical exchange to me.
> 
> I got caught once. The guy really didn't like my claim that it was her idea, made some statements about how I should have said no or been a decent guys but please... if people are happy in a relationship then they're not going to cheat. Like I said I never went out of my way to start something with someone that was already in a relationship but I'm hardly one to say no. They wouldn't be asking if things weren't already damaged in some way.


That is a very interesting opinion. That statement is so completely the opposite of what I look for in a relationship. For me the physical aspect adds to the emotional connection of having just one partner. Simply having sex for the physical gratification has absolutely no appeal to me, especially if it was with someone already taken.

I guess the world has all different flavors of people, I just could never imagine myself being able to do the sort of thing you described let alone enjoy it.:mellow:


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## Particulate (Sep 21, 2012)

Blacktide said:


> I guess the world has all different flavors of people, I just could never imagine myself being able to do the sort of thing you described let alone enjoy it.:mellow:


It becomes a matter of saturation. Think of it this way:

Home made chicken noodle soup is delicious. Warms you inside and outside and generally makes you feel better. But it takes a long time to make. You can fill the hole just as easily with canned soup, even heating it up on the stove instead of the microwave, it just might take more.

Having a committed, healthy, and pleasant relationship with all the trappings is a beautiful thing. It gives you a steady flow of all the best feelings. But if a committed, healthy, and pleasant relationship isn't in the cards then I'll just drown myself in the endorphin high that comes from primordial, meaningless sex.


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## Cetanu (Jan 20, 2012)

pinkrasputin said:


> Now that I'm in a relationship, I seriously can't believe how many guys continue to hit on me, _even though they know I'm in a new relationship_. They truly don't mind being perceived as the "other man".
> 
> Although there are women who do this (date men who are in relationships), I don't think men are as tormented being the "other man" as some women are being the "other woman". Nope. Some men in my current path know that I'm totally in a healthy and happy relationship, but wouldn't mind receiving my current guy's scraps.
> 
> ...


Women do this all the time.


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## Blacktide (Sep 16, 2012)

Cetanu said:


> Women do this all the time.


Yep it takes 2 people to cheat doesn't it?


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## stone100674 (Jun 22, 2012)

pinkrasputin said:


> That's the other thing that frustrates me. I'm a runner and in my common circle of runner friends there was this other single male runner. We went to parties and he would talk to me, but he never really made a move or asked me out for a date. He just flattered me here and there. Eventually a really good girl friend of his told me he had a crush on me. But how would I know that? He never said anything. My life went on. He's an ESTJ, btw.
> 
> So now I'm happy and everyone in my running circle knows I'm the happiest I've ever been in a relationship. I've even introduced my boyfriend to my friends, including the runner ESTJ.
> 
> ...


This one is easy: he missed his shot and decided to go for if before it was "too late" in his eyes. I still wouldn't do it. I would do the exact opposite if this and avoid you. (which he may do now)



> Oh my God. I can't even tell you how this guy responded. He is such a pig. Yep, pigs are revealing themselves now that I'm in a relationship. Obviously, I had some really good intuition to never get into a relationship with these stupid men who obviously want to just play around. Ew. But yeah, that guy too didn't seem to care I had a boyfriend.
> 
> It could also just be a guy going "Hmm.. I haven't heard from her in a while...that's hot. I think I'll try to DO her!". Or with the ESTJ it's "Hmmm... her attention is on someone else, so now I'm going to finally have balls and put it out there that I want to be with her." WTF?!


A guy thing? No a pig thing. When my girlfriend cheated did I ever say it must be a woman thing? NO, I didn't. Generalizations can be hurtful, not only to others but to ourselves. They can color interactions with others because assumptions get made. Shit. I sounded like a feeler there, LOL


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## stone100674 (Jun 22, 2012)

pinkrasputin said:


> That's pretty damn hot.
> 
> :tongue:


What can I say except that under my armor I'm a 12. :laughing:


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## Laney (Feb 20, 2012)

zelder said:


> I believe that there are two realities being manifest here.
> 
> 1) A casual perusal of an NSA hookup site will reveal that "men looking" dominate the users. Men looking for women, or men looking for men or men looking for couples. There are always tons of men looking. Men are typically much more eager to engage in casual nsa sex than women. They just want to get laid and move on.
> 
> ...





Particulate said:


> I've been the other man a few times but I've never actively pursued being the other man. The very concept of "cheating" is a rather blurry thing, especially in the split between genders. But there's been a series of people who have proposition/ petitioned me for everything ranging from casual amusements to fulfilling them in ways they weren't actively being fulfilled with their partner.
> 
> I don't judge and frankly I don't care. I enjoy sex. I like it so much that sometimes its not just about quality but quantity. I like having different flavors of relationships. If someone's relationship is so flawed that they're going to start hooking up with their tailor then I really, really don't have the expertise to set them on the right course... especially considering my own affinities. I've only flat out turned someone down once and that was just because she was going into things on impulse. Beyond that I simply don't care. It's an entirely physical exchange to me.
> 
> I got caught once. The guy really didn't like my claim that it was her idea, made some statements about how I should have said no or been a decent guys but please... if people are happy in a relationship then they're not going to cheat. Like I said I never went out of my way to start something with someone that was already in a relationship but I'm hardly one to say no. They wouldn't be asking if things weren't already damaged in some way.


This and this.


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## Blacktide (Sep 16, 2012)

Particulate said:


> It becomes a matter of saturation. Think of it this way:
> 
> Home made chicken noodle soup is delicious. Warms you inside and outside and generally makes you feel better. But it takes a long time to make. You can fill the hole just as easily with canned soup, even heating it up on the stove instead of the microwave, it just might take more.
> 
> Having a committed, healthy, and pleasant relationship with all the trappings is a beautiful thing. It gives you a steady flow of all the best feelings. But if a committed, healthy, and pleasant relationship isn't in the cards then I'll just drown myself in the endorphin high that comes from primordial, meaningless sex.


For some reason having the dog with a pipe in his mouth as an avatar makes it difficult to dislike you.:tongue:


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## Doll (Sep 6, 2012)

All men (and some women) love the unattainable. That's why most of them lose interest once the chase is over. If you're already in a relationship, then they can experience the chase over and over again and not have to commit to something more than that.

Why be disgusted or annoyed, though? I find it kind of flattering, and more satisfying to burst their bubble.


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## Monte (Feb 17, 2010)

I think they just want to fuck without having to deal with you otherwise.

If they really want to be in a relationship, they just don't want to have all of the burden on their shoulders.


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## frenchie (Jul 7, 2011)

Monte said:


> I think they just want to fuck without having to deal with you otherwise.
> 
> If they really want to be in a relationship, they just don't want to have all of the burden on their shoulders.


This 

NSA relationships are pretty rad, although far and few between. Unfortunately the appetite for such a desire only lasts a small time and sadly gets boring. Rinse, repeat. 

Personally, I love hearing the stories of my girl getting hit on by other guys. A long time ago it used to bother me, now it makes me smirk. 

I was never sure why she would tell me those things. Probably a guys/mars women/venus deal. Not really a big deal once I got over myself and started caring about more important things than her being seductive to other guys.


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## Monte (Feb 17, 2010)

frenchie said:


> This
> 
> NSA relationships are pretty rad, although far and few between. Unfortunately the appetite for such a desire only lasts a small time and sadly gets boring. Rinse, repeat.
> 
> ...


This.
Lol.

I tell my boyfriend as well and he never seems as amused as I am. I usually tell him because I find it funny as most guys fail super hard, but also as kind of a reassurance thing, as if to say "Hey, this guy hit on me and I laughed in his face cause I lurve you." It took him a while to get and now we point and laugh together. He still has a frown sometimes, but I think that's when he thinks the guy is more attractive than him. He's also been fucked over a lot, so I definitely get where he's coming from, but... eh. He'll get over it and realize that I'm not in it for the looks... even though he is super sexeh. :3


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## frenchie (Jul 7, 2011)

Monte said:


> This.
> Lol.
> 
> I tell my boyfriend as well and he never seems as amused as I am. I usually tell him because I find it funny as most guys fail super hard, but also as kind of a reassurance thing, as if to say "Hey, this guy hit on me and I laughed in his face cause I lurve you." It took him a while to get and now we point and laugh together. He still has a frown sometimes, but I think that's when he thinks the guy is more attractive than him. He's also been fucked over a lot, so I definitely get where he's coming from, but... eh. He'll get over it and realize that I'm not in it for the looks... even though he is super sexeh. :3


This 

Is a sign of insecurity. Not trying to knock your boyfriend, but I struggled a lot with that a lot about a year ago. Give him time and don't be afraid to tell him to straight up laugh it off and kick back. Besides, it should be giving him confidence that this hot little chicka likes him and not some other guy. :tongue:

Seriously though it sucks. Hold onto him though, because once I got out of college and started a decent job it made listening to those stories funny. Most of those guys are well bums and living like they never left high school. 

Most of the insecure ones have a drive to prove themselves.


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## stone100674 (Jun 22, 2012)

frenchie said:


> This
> 
> Is a sign of insecurity. Not trying to knock your boyfriend, but I struggled a lot with that a lot about a year ago. Give him time and don't be afraid to tell him to straight up laugh it off and kick back. Besides, it should be giving him confidence that this hot little chicka likes him and not some other guy. :tongue:
> 
> ...


Is it a sign of insecurity or does he view it as emotional manipulation? There are always two sides to everything. food for thought.


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## Monte (Feb 17, 2010)

frenchie said:


> This
> 
> Is a sign of insecurity. Not trying to knock your boyfriend, but I struggled a lot with that a lot about a year ago. Give him time and don't be afraid to tell him to straight up laugh it off and kick back. Besides, it should be giving him confidence that this hot little chicka likes him and not some other guy. :tongue:
> 
> ...


Thissss

Oh, I know. His awesome qualities definitely outweigh that tiny insecurity. Like I said, he's gotten waaaay better and I give him extra time because I knew some of his exes and they were dickwads. And at the end of the day, I know it's because he doesn't want to lose me. If he doesn't eventually learn, well... I'm twenty, I have time. But I think he will.

Cheers to awesome boyfriends~


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## frenchie (Jul 7, 2011)

Monte said:


> Thissss
> 
> Oh, I know. His awesome qualities definitely outweigh that tiny insecurity. Like I said, he's gotten waaaay better and I give him extra time because I knew some of his exes and they were dickwads. And at the end of the day, I know it's because he doesn't want to lose me. If he doesn't eventually learn, well... I'm twenty, I have time. But I think he will.
> 
> Cheers to awesome boyfriends~


TTHHAAATTTT

Yeah I always catch myself and think, "Dude, I'm only 23. Life is just starting."


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## pinkrasputin (Apr 13, 2009)

stone100674 said:


> This one is easy: he missed his shot and decided to go for if before it was "too late" in his eyes. I still wouldn't do it. I would do the exact opposite if this and avoid you. (which he may do now)
> 
> A guy thing? No a pig thing. When my girlfriend cheated did I ever say it must be a woman thing? NO, I didn't. Generalizations can be hurtful, not only to others but to ourselves. They can color interactions with others because assumptions get made. Shit. I sounded like a feeler there, LOL


Aww.. you have feelings.:tongue:

That's a generalization to say that only feelers care about interactions with others.  You warn me about generalizations and then you go and make one. :laughing:

Anyway, I said in my OP that women could do it too. Although my guy friends who are taken are not getting this to the degree I'm getting.

Anyway, you get my point. Why would anyone put up with scraps? And these guys really seem pathetic. And I think the ESTJ is a pussy, imo. My boyfriend got me because he had the guts to ask me out and take a risk when he saw me. He said he told himself, "I will fight to have this girl." So I really don't respect a man that acts all weird around me and decides to step it up once I'm in a relationship. And no, I do not think he will back off until my guy and I are married perhaps, or ESTJ gets his own girlfriend.


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## stone100674 (Jun 22, 2012)

pinkrasputin said:


> Aww.. you have feelings.:tongue:
> 
> That's a generalization to say that only feelers care about interactions with others.  You warn me about generalizations and then you go and make one. :laughing:


 I wasn't saying only feelers generalize, sorry if you took it that way. I was saying that I sounded like feeler because I said generalizing could be hurtful. LOL Yes it was a generalization, however it was only intended to make a point.


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## pinkrasputin (Apr 13, 2009)

Monte said:


> This.
> Lol.
> 
> I tell my boyfriend as well and he never seems as amused as I am. I usually tell him because I find it funny as most guys fail super hard, but also as kind of a reassurance thing, as if to say "Hey, this guy hit on me and I laughed in his face cause I lurve you." It took him a while to get and now we point and laugh together. He still has a frown sometimes, but I think that's when he thinks the guy is more attractive than him. He's also been fucked over a lot, so I definitely get where he's coming from, but... eh. He'll get over it and realize that I'm not in it for the looks... even though he is super sexeh. :3


I don't understand the need to tell your boyfriend, _especially_ if it makes him feel uncomfortable. I don't think it's necessarily insecurity on his part. Insecure would be getting overly jealous when he sees some guy hitting on you, or just when you talk about another guy. But why keep telling him that a guy is hitting on you? That can come off as insecurity to your guy, where you are constantly asking for reassurance by making him jealous. I'm sure your boyfriend knows you're hot, and other guys desire you. But the question is- don't _you_ know you are? 

Now sometimes, you might be having a problem with someone and need your mate's help, so you should explain the scenario.

In my situation, I'm an extrovert in a relationship with an introvert. My guy is not a jealous man, but I really don't need to shove it in his face what men hit on me all day. When he first approached me, he saw I had a lot of guys around me that wanted to date me. He is a one-woman type of man that had been in a marriage for 28 years. He had barely been out there for a couple of years, barely being validated again. Seriously, who cares if other men like me or if other women like him? I know he can date and get other women. I know I can date other guys, but we have _chosen_ to be together. We don't have to try to make the other one insecure by telling him when every guy flirts or hits on me or women with him, unless there really is a point. Instead, I think my focus as a partner in a relationship should be on showing and telling my partner how appreciative I am that he has chosen me, and I will work my ass off to make sure he will never feel taken for granted in this relationship.


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## redmanXNTP (May 17, 2011)

Particulate said:


> I've been the other man a few times but I've never actively pursued being the other man. The very concept of "cheating" is a rather blurry thing, especially in the split between genders. But there's been a series of people who have proposition/ petitioned me for everything ranging from casual amusements to fulfilling them in ways they weren't actively being fulfilled with their partner.
> 
> I don't judge and frankly I don't care. I enjoy sex. I like it so much that sometimes its not just about quality but quantity. I like having different flavors of relationships. If someone's relationship is so flawed that they're going to start hooking up with their tailor then I really, really don't have the expertise to set them on the right course... especially considering my own affinities. I've only flat out turned someone down once and that was just because she was going into things on impulse. Beyond that I simply don't care. It's an entirely physical exchange to me.
> 
> I got caught once. The guy really didn't like my claim that it was her idea, made some statements about how I should have said no or been a decent guys but please... if people are happy in a relationship then they're not going to cheat. Like I said I never went out of my way to start something with someone that was already in a relationship but I'm hardly one to say no. They wouldn't be asking if things weren't already damaged in some way.


So in other words, you're so desperate for sex that you'll take anything.


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## Particulate (Sep 21, 2012)

redmanXNTP said:


> So in other words, you're so desperate for sex that you'll take anything.


No. In other words I'm not going to be the moral compass of another adult and I enjoy sex. Like I said, if things weren't already broken then people wouldn't go looking elsewhere. I've never propositioned someone that's already in a relationship.


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## Thalassa (Jun 10, 2010)

Erbse said:


> Doesn't matter had sex.



This about sums it up. Guys who intentionally go for taken women, or who don't care, are just trying to get sex, and they will ask anyone they find attractive.

I've spoken extensively with men who have "grown out of" this, and some of them actually regret it, they'd go home and be lonely, and finally wake up one day when they were 27 or 42 and realize they wanted a girlfriend/wife (or boyfriend/life partner in the case of a gay man who used to be this way) and that they were doing it because of their own insecurity or immaturity. My ESFJ gay friend has incredible self-knowledge, he's in his late twenties and think he may have started developing his shadow Fi already (I mean, it is his Opposing Personality Complex, after all) in terms of realizing that when he was a younger man he self-sabotaged his own relationships with good men because HE WAS SO AFRAID THEY WOULD LEAVE HIM that he always had "back up." Once or twice he lost a guy he loved or liked a lot because of his "back up" when he only had "back up" because he was so afraid of being dumped by the guy that he loved or liked...that it became a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Of course, some guys have this self-awareness (just like women can) by their late teens, and others don't have it til their 30's or 40's...some never seem to have it at all, it may be personality related, who knows.

But yeah it's stupid and scummy and you just have to be like "whatever" and shine them on, because it's their own path, and in the end, they're the one who have to deal with the consequences of their choices.


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## Paradox1987 (Oct 9, 2010)

TWN said:


> When women get with married/taken men it's because they want to break up their union. They want a piece of the pie.


Not always true. They may actually want the security of being a "mistress", without the hassle of being a "wife". I have personally seen a witness admit in open court that they were happy being a mistress because "kids [drove her] nuts." Entertaining situation really.

*EDIT*
There is also the fact that ideas like "toy boys" suggest that an older woman may have no interest in breaking a union, because in cynical terms, she may already own a bigger pie...


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## mental blockstack (Dec 15, 2011)

People are animals, relationships are imagined concepts, and respect for others' values requires a quality which seems to be taken for granted far too often


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## Shinji Mimura (Aug 1, 2012)

pinkrasputin said:


> Now that I'm in a relationship, I seriously can't believe how many guys continue to hit on me, _even though they know I'm in a new relationship_. They truly don't mind being perceived as the "other man".


Not much to understand (or misunderstand) here: if you don't tell somebody no, they aren't obliged to cease whatever it is that they are doing. Obviously if you're giving off blaring signs, or deliberately telling them off, and they continue, then it's a problem.

Otherwise, if it makes em feel better, helps them get through the day, then more power to them.

That, and while you may very well be in a happy, healthy relationship, that doesn't excuse the rest of the cheating masses who can, and eventually do, wind up slipping from their very own "happy, healthy relationship."


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## pinkrasputin (Apr 13, 2009)

Shinji Mimura said:


> Not much to understand (or misunderstand) here: if you don't tell somebody no, they aren't obliged to cease whatever it is that they are doing.


I don't have a problem saying "no". And my issue isn't "How do I stop these men?" 

I just can't believe how lame these guys are and can't understand how someone is just okay with receiving scraps. It's like they lack inner self-worth and dignity. And others were just too chicken shit to go for it when I was available.


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## PepperGirl (Oct 14, 2012)

I see men/women like this as lazy coveters/moment chasers/drama hounds. They don't want to spend time decorating the Christmas Tree(building a relationship) but they love to bask in its end results, be close to the lights/glow and enjoy the possibility of some thing great. Unfortunately you cant get rid of this type plus trying to judge/figure them out can be a waste of brain cells and frustration. (They are who they are or want to be. My job is to push them away.) Usually, I just have some fun embarrassing them.


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## Promethea (Aug 24, 2009)

Twoshoe said:


> Maybe they really feel your lucky charms are worth the wait.


Best answer.


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## Cheveyo (Nov 19, 2010)

I think it's a combination of the "forbidden fruit" desire and the ego.
These people thrive on being wanted and on being in control.




pinkrasputin said:


> I don't have a problem saying "no". And my issue isn't "How do I stop these men?"
> 
> I just can't believe how lame these guys are and can't understand how someone is just okay with receiving scraps. It's like they lack inner self-worth and dignity. And others were just too chicken shit to go for it when I was available.




If you want to stop them, you need to distance yourself from them. Being friendly will only encourage them.


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## Thalassa (Jun 10, 2010)

GYX_Kid said:


> People are animals, relationships are imagined concepts, and respect for others' values requires a quality which seems to be taken for granted far too often


Is your ability to read and write and articulate the abstract concepts given here completely imagined also? I mean, if you were really just an animal with no higher facilities to form relationships, you wouldn't even realize you were an animal, apparently without science people tend to believe they are little gods above animals. Furthermore, there are other animals which form monogamous relationships, such as swans. Are you saying that swans have the same capacity for imagination as people?


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## Twoshoe (Mar 2, 2011)

Cheveyo said:


> I think it's a combination of the "forbidden fruit" desire and the ego.
> These people thrive on being wanted and on being in control.
> 
> If you want to stop them, you need to distance yourself from them. Being friendly will only encourage them.


That totally sounds like me unfortunately.  I keep flirting with taken women, cause I want what I can't have, I want to feel wanted and I want control.


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## pinkrasputin (Apr 13, 2009)

Omg, so I just made my relationship status official on my facebook and immediately I receive two private messages from men friends telling me "I think you're gorgeous. We could have had something. But I waited too long". 

WTF?


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## Dark NiTe (Mar 5, 2012)

Maybe, just maybe it is the same reason why men will jump to be rebound fodder


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## Dark NiTe (Mar 5, 2012)

pinkrasputin said:


> Omg, so I just made my relationship status official on my facebook and immediately I receive two private messages from men friends telling me "I think you're gorgeous. We could have had something. But I waited too long".
> 
> WTF?


Maybe you're a heartbreaker? I mean it is common knowledge that a man being in a relationship = getting more female attention. 

Sup with those digits gurl :laughing:


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## pinkrasputin (Apr 13, 2009)

benr3600 said:


> Maybe you're a heartbreaker? I mean it is common knowledge that a man being in a relationship = getting more female attention.
> 
> Sup with those digits gurl :laughing:


Why didn't they step it up when I was available? I mean seriously...

One is a philosophy professor at a uni back east, I totally respected him until he wrote me this. He added:


> watching your posts in the last year, I saw you getting involved, subtly, & you probably saw the same with me, & yet, somehow I feel I lost out somehow.


 Wtf? Maybe guys like this don't understand women don't stay single forever.


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