# Is making friends usually this hard?



## Mulberries (Feb 17, 2011)

I am absolutely hopeless at making friends. Any time I've made them it's been through forced circumstances such as school or living together. Generally it's been with very forward extroverts who do all the contacting and organizing. Once I'm not seeing them on a daily basis I usually lose all contact. 

Recently I decided that this was not healthy or normal because I have very few, if any, close friends anymore. Someone I work with recently reached out to me and wanted to hang out (gay male, so no chance of him wanting to date). He admitted to me that he had social anxiety (I do too) and we made plans to meet up. It never happened because he canceled at the last minute. Then it happened again...and again...and again. He just kept making plans with me and then not following through with them. 

Most people (I think) would not bother with someone like this and I mostly feel the same way, except I feel like I need to try harder with the whole friends thing. That's why I've continued to talk to him at work and take his word for it when he promises not to cancel each time. Until the third time I believed him because he seemed genuinely interested in meeting up. 

I know that friends don't fall out of the sky and I need to accept more social invites, but is this unreasonable? If you had few close friends would you bother with this person?


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## oxytocinjunkie (Dec 13, 2010)

You should try reaching out to other people in the meantime and if he comes around then you could try working on it again. If he doesn't then you'll be starting new relationships so it won't matter so much. I'm sorry this happened to you, I can imagine how disheartening it would be.

Edit: Forgot the questions


> I know that friends don't fall out of the sky and I need to accept more social invites, but is this unreasonable? If you had few close friends would you bother with this person?


I think it's unreasonable even though I can understand why the person does it. I just don't understand why they'd keep rescheduling when they're unsure.

If I had a few close friends then I'd do the first sentence and leave the person to their own devices.


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## Mulberries (Feb 17, 2011)

Strangely enough, I'm not all that upset about this. It's frustrating, but only to the extent that I've wasted so much time trying to be friendly. It's almost like it has reinforced my reasons not to bother with people- They're unreliable and often exhausting. 

I'd like to reach out to other people at work, but no one else has struck me as being all that interesting and most of all, none of them seem overly interested in me. My other avenues for meeting people are through some old friends that I've fallen out of step with (no common interests or activities) and my boyfriend. He has lots of friends and a few have been really nice to me. It's just that I'm forever going to feel like they're his friends and not mine, which is the feeling I'm trying to avoid. I'd like to accomplish making my own for once. 

Thanks for the advice about this guy. I'm just going to go about my business and not bother with him unless I happen to run into him outside of work. We live in the same neighborhood, so this is very possible.


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## oxytocinjunkie (Dec 13, 2010)

Mulberries said:


> Strangely enough, I'm not all that upset about this. It's frustrating, but only to the extent that I've wasted so much time trying to be friendly. It's almost like it has reinforced my reasons not to bother with people- They're unreliable and often exhausting.


This is what I was worried about it seeming disheartening to you :/ I hope you realize that it's an isolated event and that good, caring people are plentiful. I'm sorry if this seems intrusive but what do you mean by reinforced reasons? Have you talked about or processed the previous friendships/relationships that made you feel this way?



> I'd like to reach out to other people at work, but no one else has struck me as being all that interesting and most of all, none of them seem overly interested in me. My other avenues for meeting people are through some old friends that I've fallen out of step with (no common interests or activities) and my boyfriend. He has lots of friends and a few have been really nice to me. It's just that I'm forever going to feel like they're his friends and not mine, which is the feeling I'm trying to avoid. I'd like to accomplish making my own for once.


I understand what you mean with your boyfriends friends and wanting to start your own friendships. It would be a good idea to keep socializing with his friends and your old friends. You might be able to build off those relationships and you can rebuild or keep your socializing habits active.



> Thanks for the advice about this guy. I'm just going to go about my business and not bother with him unless I happen to run into him outside of work. We live in the same neighborhood, so this is very possible.


That's a good idea and I hope you things work out


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## eburian (Feb 21, 2011)

YAY! omg I mean I'm happy because I feel like I'm going through the same thing. I don't think I have social anxiety but I also used to make friends through "forced" situations especially high school when I was the only person from my middle school. Honestly, I think I understand exactly how you feel because right now, I am very disheartened when I have made plans with people in the past and they don't follow through with them. All I can say is when it came to making friends in the past, my past friends ,also mostly forward extroverts, I was completely dependent on them and was most of the time making friends for the wrong reasons. I used to feel I had attachment issues because I kind of lacked peer support at an early age and I would blame myself for losing people as friends because I became too attached to them. Although I've tried to get rid of it, I've also since learned that rejection from a young age scars you and doesn't go away. All I can say is I agree with the other posts, you have to reach out to others and love yourself first. You have to remain strong and involve yourself with activities you like to do. Then I think when you enter a social situation, it'll be easier to talk to people with similar interests. I hope this helps. If you would like my counselor recommended this book to me The Dance of Intimacy by Harriet Leaner- kinda a self- help guide that's friendly and self- explanatory. Let me know if any of this helps.


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## 22857 (May 31, 2011)

@Mulberries
If you have to work for the friendship, if you have to strain yourself to start it, then it will probably fall through like the rest.
Also, if you actually want to just get out and hang out with this guy, then you'll have to take the initiative; he's obviously not going to do it.
You'll have to step out of your comfort zone a bit if you really want to meet people because honestly, the people that you would click to hang out with, aren't going to do it because they probably feel just like you do. 

These are just some thoughts, suggestions. 

I know it's hard to step out and meet people, but the best way to find the people who you could actually become friends with, is through hanging out with any friends in general. Pushing yourself to get out and socialize with any groups of friends in general will hopefully grant you a better chance to meeting someone you can be good friends with. At the same time, socializing will open you up to being more open all around so that when you find some of those people (who will probably be introverts ), you can speak out to them.

The worst case scenario of trying to meet someone is that no relationship is born out of it.
This is the same as if you hadn't talked to them (obviously). Life isn't worth living in the shadows all the time. Each person is trying to get through the day same as the next. Don't be afraid to open up to more people in search of relationships. You've got little to lose and more to gain by taking the chances.


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## Mulberries (Feb 17, 2011)

You're all absolutely right. Thank you so much for your insight. I need to try harder and to know what's worth fighting for. 

I'm going to try socializing as much as I can, with anybody I can, just to try to oil these rusty social skills. It's about time I stopped whining and did something about it.


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## Empecinado (May 4, 2010)

Mulberries said:


> You're all absolutely right. Thank you so much for your insight. I need to try harder and to know what's worth fighting for.
> 
> I'm going to try socializing as much as I can, with anybody I can, just to try to oil these rusty social skills. It's about time I stopped whining and did something about it.


If you increase the amount of people you speak to you are more (statistically) likely to meet people you feel you have a connection with or in xNFP terms you "get a good vibe from". I know you INFP types. :Z


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## lyricalnuisance (May 6, 2011)

I have such trouble making friends! And I very badly want to. My group of friends doesn't actually like me terribly much. I'm good at starting conversations with new people, but transitioning from just randomly talking to actual FRIENDS is a problem. I don't have social anxiety that badly, mostly it has been medicated away. But I do still have trouble. And I scarcely ever meet someone I actually connect with.


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## 22857 (May 31, 2011)

lyricalnuisance said:


> I have such trouble making friends! And I very badly want to. My group of friends doesn't actually like me terribly much. I'm good at starting conversations with new people, but transitioning from just randomly talking to actual FRIENDS is a problem. I don't have social anxiety that badly, mostly it has been medicated away. But I do still have trouble. And I scarcely ever meet someone I actually connect with.


I think this is an ENTP thing from what I've read recently. 
I have a group of friends but I always tend to distant myself from them for a month at least because I just get focused on my own thoughts and I can't see them as someone I want to hang out with, like there wouldn't be anything interesting to do. *Edit*: This isn't entirely true. Like, I just haven't felt really connected with people, even when I'm in groups. However I've been doing intense self reflecting and I'm realizing that I'm more connected than I realize. I just don't see it or feel it because I'm so focused on my own thoughts. (These are possibilities, I hate writing stuff like this because I'm not sure if it's the truth or not and it feels wrong to say it if it's not right >.< so just take it as a theory).

I can easily talk to everyone at my school for about 20 seconds but after that, nothing. 
With us, I think it's a matter of meeting someone who we can just pour our random thoughts out to without them disappearing from us and actually wanting to talk about interesting stuff as well. 
Just a thought.


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## AMomstruth Opened (Jun 25, 2011)

I do have a lot of anxiety and find it difficult making new friends. A lot of it is because I do chicken out of get togethers. I get over worried that I won't be fun enough or interesting enough. 

Some things that have worked:

One on one lunches
Small groups with a focus (wine tasting, book reading, etc)
Volunteering for something you care deeply about (at your children's school, the human society, etc)
Reminding yourself that you can do anything for an hour

Hope this helps! And don't discount online friends! You can make true deep connections here too.


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## Modifier (Aug 17, 2011)

I think this whole thing is kinda funny seriously what are you thinking ? you are getting befooled over and over again just because of fear he is not that in to you just realize that and dump him there are loads of people to choose from


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## benfoldsfive dude (Nov 24, 2009)

I used to have some friends, but they moved away and/or moved on. Nowadays, the only 'good' friends I can relate to is art, music, and me. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that the only person that can make you happy is you. I know I have times that I need to be with someone, and no one is available. I hope things get better for you.


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## DustyDrill (May 20, 2011)

I've always wondered why friends matter so much to people. Apart from having someone to go to a movie with without looking sad to judgmental people, why have friends?

My favorite friends are online. I play video games with them, and if I don't want to talk to them I don't log on. It's amazing.

My best advice would be this: Do stuff you like doing, and meet people who like the things you like. Friends seem to gravitate to me when I simply leave the house to do things. I can't help it. I go to the comic book store to geek it up, and some other guy as geeky as me tries to strike up a conversation about World War Hulk. Depending on my mood, I may indulge him. Next thing I know he's on my Facebook and we're going to movies.

It's fucking weird...

Oh, and don't be annoying or depressing.


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## MonieJ (Nov 22, 2010)

Friends are overrated imo.
I have maybe 2 friends(Gods only knows how I got those 2 :dry the rest are just acquaintances I go to the movies with from time to time,I am much more productive on my own so I prefer being by myself.


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## strawberryLola (Sep 19, 2010)

Mulberries,

Could it be that you've been busy or tied up with your own life that finding and keeping those networks have been a bit difficult?

I know that sometimes when making connections with people there is a sense of not wanting things to feel forced or fake, because being genuine feels more comfortable than having to force oneself in a situation one doesn't want to be in can make it seems like it's abnormal when it's really not.

It's understandable that people get busy and caught up, and friends start to drift away because they have their own things going on too. You can always reach out and keep in touch with really old former friends whom you trust and feel comfortable with.

Making friends comes naturally when people gravitate towards one another, sorta like finding like minds who can empathize and truly understand and accept you for who you are. By that definition, it may seem as though it's hard. It takes time, and running into those chance encounters when you least expect it or are being natural in your own element do happen with _ease._ When they do, friendships like that one can really call true friends, because there are no pretenses or a sense of need but more so want in a secure way.

It will get better. Promise.


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