# Social-Lasts: Do you ever worry about being nice or not hurting people's feelings?



## fasc (Jun 23, 2014)

Even if you don't have a significant attachment to them? Like people at work who approach you for example? If so, to what extent? 

Are you comfortable with being callous or direct about your feelings/needs?


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## Swordsman of Mana (Jan 7, 2011)

no, I don't.
Edit: well, unless I'm trying to fuck them, but that's just good strategy :wink:


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## Paradigm (Feb 16, 2010)

fasc said:


> Even if you don't have a significant attachment to them? Like people at work who approach you for example? If so, to what extent?


I do all the time, yes. Being cordial is almost like a value to me, and I have little respect towards those who aren't at least polite unless provoked. I have to be really angry to not care about being mean/rude. I can be rude unintentionally, but I try not to be.



> Are you comfortable with being callous or direct about your feelings/needs?


I feel more comfortable with this the closer we are. I've made a point to be rather direct about my needs and feelings with my close friends, and I think it has served me well so far by causing fewer misunderstandings. With strangers, I'm more flexible since it's unlikely to become a reoccurring thing, and I have little desire to explain myself (IRL) to those I don't know.


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## Metalize (Dec 18, 2014)

Well, it's kind of downright sociopathic not to.

Perhaps not worrying oneself sick, but to maintain some self-awareness and consideration...


I'll be soft or forceful depending on who it is. I think the middleground of being direct is best.


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## tangosthenes (Oct 29, 2011)

yes, comes from an sp place


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## Dalton (Jun 10, 2013)

Sexual type here, supposedly with "strong Sp". I fail at Social stuff, even when I intend to improve in that arena.

Anyway, yes I worry about being nice and hurting others. I actually feel trapped by it. If I'm trying to accomplish something or joke around and all of a sudden I have some person taking offense to something I said, that ruins my day. This is not necessarily because it makes me a bad person to "cause" the pain (because usually it's caused by the own person's unwarranted sensitivity). I don't want to deal with their whining. They put a stop to whatever I'm doing at that moment. If I walk away, I look like an asshole. Isn't that great? Because I was "being myself", I now have to stop everything just so I can handle an angry/whining/pathetic mess of a human.

I am not comfortable with callousness and directly addressing my needs, because people suck -- they don't want to listen to it. I really appreciate when people can handle my intensity, because I can finally be myself. Since I rarely get that experience, I'm usually quite unhappy. Very few people appreciate "the real me", and although that sounds like a thing that a whiney teenager would say, it's true. When I let loose and people say "it's okay" that I do it, I often sense that they're uncomfortable with me despite their accepting words, and that makes me uncomfortable.

I don't think that the way I answered these questions has much to do with my attitude toward the Social instinct, but might be more related to Sexual intensity coupled with a type One anger and self-control. I'm not sure how to interpret this through typology at this moment.



Paradigm said:


> I feel more comfortable with this the closer we are. I've made a point to be rather direct about my needs and feelings with my close friends, and I think it has served me well so far by causing fewer misunderstandings. With strangers, I'm more flexible since it's unlikely to become a reoccurring thing, and I have little desire to explain myself (IRL) to those I don't know.


I think that "callousness" (as merely straightforward communication) almost certainly accelerates the development of a relationship, and I'd prefer it from the very start instead of waiting until we're closer. (Perhaps your Sp vs. my Sx here? Dunno.)


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## Vermillion (Jan 22, 2012)

Sometimes, but I'm well-practised at being diplomatic so it's not an issue. I worry about not having been nice when there's a possibility it could tarnish my reputation somehow.


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## ster (Jun 15, 2009)

I am especially nice at work and with strangers. Being nice works in my favor, it keeps me more or less invisible while still taking care of work and responsibilities. With those in my innermost circle, I value them, and of course I try my best to be respectful and to be respected. 

Being social-last really just means that I don't particularly pay close attention to group dynamics and social cohesion. I'm oblivious. Instead, I make sure that I don't find myself with a bunch of social obligations, and I find a great deal of happiness in my time alone and with those in my innermost circle.


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## fasc (Jun 23, 2014)

tangosthenes said:


> yes, comes from an sp place


How do you think its related to Sp in your case?


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## Paradigm (Feb 16, 2010)

Dalton said:


> I think that "callousness" (as merely straightforward communication) almost certainly accelerates the development of a relationship, and I'd prefer it from the very start instead of waiting until we're closer. (Perhaps your Sp vs. my Sx here? Dunno.)


Well, it's pretty rare that I meet people who I _want_ to become closer to. I'm certainly willing to being direct with someone who is likely to become a friend, but if they're going to stay firmly in the "stranger" or "acquaintance" zone then it's just not worth the energy for me. A lot of times, explaining takes more energy than going with the flow in those situations.


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## Quang (Sep 4, 2014)

As a SX/SP, I was considered 'reserved and antisocial' in the past, but nowadays my SO-weakness lies in paying attention to what is going outside in the world (news) and family related issues. I tend to live in my own bubble and I am aware about this, so I try to engage more with others during the day. I don't have issues with being 'nice' and considerate (9's niceness comes in handy) :happy:


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## VacantPsalm (Dec 22, 2014)

fasc said:


> Even if you don't have a significant attachment to them? Like people at work who approach you for example? If so, to what extent?
> 
> Are you comfortable with being callous or direct about your feelings/needs?


I do, very much so. I'm not going to give very much of myself to protect people, but I most certainly have manners. I treat others how I would want to be treated if I were them. (Not how I personally would like to be treated, that's far more relaxed and "rude" by some standards.) Thinking I might of hurt someone's feelings makes me feel bad. :c

Being callous or direct about your feelings/needs?... I don't get it. Why would I be going to random people about those things? It's not their job, nor do I want them to be involved.


Added: Actually, thing to note, I am way more likely to be rude to people I'm close to. I've laid a cold hard "I don't care" on friends who were complaining about something silly.


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## The Scorched Earth (May 17, 2010)

fasc said:


> Even if you don't have a significant attachment to them? Like people at work who approach you for example? If so, to what extent?
> 
> Are you comfortable with being callous or direct about your feelings/needs?


As an INFJ, I'm pretty diplomatic by nature but I've no problem being direct with people.


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## Animal (May 29, 2012)

I am social-last but have very very high empathy. So I feel the nuances of others and I am alert to their feelings. I don't have to think about it - I respond to emotional nuances automatically. I don't get any joy out of hurting people or being cruel to people who don't deserve it, so I am most likely to be decent to most people, and good to those I love. Being decent requires no effort - its automatic. It requires more effort to shut off empathy than to have it.

I start with a base level of humanitarian respect for people, as in, I respect that they live, have struggles of their own, that they are not 'out to get me' or posing a problem to myself. Most people don't exist to me in the sense that nothing they do affects me at all, but I still have empathy. I only choose to interact with very few people - those who DO exist to me - in my spare time, but if I am interacting with someone outside that small circle, I am still respectful and humane and empathetic by default. If someone loses my respect my empathy will shut off. FAST. I can still be cordial and have no particular investment in hurting them, but I no longer have empathy by default. Unless they get in my way though, I won't bother them. I'm happier to just cut them out and be cordial if I must and move on with my life.

My empathy serves me well when it's time to hurt someone - because I know exactly how to do it. And I glean tremendous joy out of hurting someone who deserves it. I can revel in it. This is rare though - most people aren't worth it. 

Staying on my 'good side' requires being good. Staying on my 'neutral but cordial' side requires no effort. Being on my bad side requires effort, but once someone makes it there, they will wish they didn't. They will learn quickly to do anything it takes to get back on my "you don't exist" cordial list. I have enough problems in my life and I show people quickly and thoroughly that it's in their best interest to avoid causing me more problems.


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## Golden Rose (Jun 5, 2014)

Being soc last doesn't mean being an asshole so I can be really nice but always in a distant and self focused way, I'm friendly but quite detached and I tend to live in my own world. I don't go out of my way to socialize, I avoid it if possible and prefer to keep to myself especially in groups or social settings but I'm not particularly concerned about it either and I generally hate popularity dynamics. I'm kind, chill and empathetic but if I don't really have a bond with someone, I'll always put my own feelings and personal comfort first, especially as a Fi-dom though I embrace type 9's reserved niceness in most cases. I tend to expect others to be mind readers and hardly voice my depth of emotion but if I need to, I'll be direct and speak my mind. 

I hate fake politeness though, I'd rather ignore someone or minimize our interactions.
I can't pretend to like someone if I don't nor I'd ever want to do so.
I don't really pay much attention to the external world either and I hate gossip.


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## StranGaaa Danjjja (Jan 6, 2015)

societys terms i treat others the way i want to be treated
with that said i tend to be super anti social no eye contact no hello good morning on good days i some times manage to smile say hello but very rare

so many years of comforming to my introvert i try to avoid people in the real world as much as possible

people tell me on a daily basis im a dickhead
yes i am i tell it how i see it people get offended i still sleep like a baby


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## fasc (Jun 23, 2014)

So how do you all think your approaches differ from Social-instinct? A lack of active interest? Maybe seeing each individual person who you show kindness to in a vacuum as opposed to seeing them as part of a social context?


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## petite libellule (Jul 4, 2012)

Yes , yes, yes. The less I worry, the less mental headache pain inflict on others ironically


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## SuperNova85 (Feb 21, 2011)

I'm pretty empathetic, so yeah I want to give anyone who comes in contact with me a positive experience, I'm certainly not an asshole (unless you give me a reason to be). 
Where I can start to come off as oblivious to the feelings of others within the context of being So-last is when people start to hover over me of whom I don't want to connect with on a substantial level, at which point I begin to care less and less of how obvious my annoyed demeanor is showing.
I also have little patience for people who are disgusting, fake and disrespectful...


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## Swordsman of Mana (Jan 7, 2011)

Swordsman of Mana said:


> no, I don't.
> Edit: well, unless I'm trying to fuck them, but that's just good strategy :wink:


I will elaborate
I consider myself a fairly polite and respectful person. even in heated arguments, I tend to stay civil, but I will always tell you what I really think. nothing else is acceptable. you see, I don't like the word "nice", because that assumes some degree of tip toeing around people's emotions, and I'm not about that. perhaps the reason I'm not "nicer" is because I'm cynical of people's intentions when they are offended by something. 9 times out of 10, if something wasn't an insult (at at least a criticism), I tend to assume anyone who is offended is at least one of the following:
- oversensitive
- insecure
- looking for attention
- a sycophant 
- trying to make you look like the bad guy
- a politically correct numb skull
- projecting

the other 10% of the time, they're either having a bad day or I worded something very poorly in a manner which had an obviously negative alternative interpretation. so yeah, I don't worry about or go out of my way to cater to people's feelings, because 
1) it feels like I am validating immature behavior
2) it feels submissive. people with real confidence speak their mind frankly without fear of rejection


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