# The effects of not grieving



## suomalainen (Nov 20, 2011)

My wife lost his dad some three years ago. At the time she was pregnant with our first child, and it had been a rough period with other deaths in the family as well.

Then later on, little by little she started having mood issues. Depression, but also anger issues and paranoia. Often times she has said that she believes that I'm trying to hurt her, which to anyone who knows me (and my wife definitely should!) seems absurd.

She's been seeing a psychiatrist for a while now, and at first it seemed like bipolar, but the doctor is also wondering how much of an effect never really grieving for her father has to do with it. He's thinking it might have a big part of it.

So my question is pretty broad, but I'm trying understand a little of the underlying psychology. I mean, how does her not grieving her father cause her to have explosive outbursts of anger, especially towards me? 

Or is it simply the fact that when you're not feeling well, any little thing will bother you that much more? So, the lack of grieving led to depression, and then because she is not feeling well, I tend to get the brunt of it, since I'm usually there, and maybe even in some ways I'm safe to lash at.


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## Jennywocky (Aug 7, 2009)

Everyone is impacted differently by tragedy and responds differently to stress if they are not allowed to properly deal with it. your wife's behavior seems to fit within the typical broad patterns.

Basically, whatever you repress/suppress doesn't just go away. (Otherwise you wouldn't be suppressing it, it would just vanish.) It sounds like she never got time to process and express her feelings of loss because she felt like she had to hold things together. All that pressure and grief has to go somewhere, so it starts squeezing out the cracks, especially if more and more pressure is being added by suppression of other trauma. 

As the person she is closest to (physically and emotionally), you are the "safest" place for her to vent when the pressure is unbearable, or at least you're going to be in the best position to notice the release of said pressure. There could also be unrealized resentment in there -- maybe she expected you to create a place for her to experience her grief but instead she was doing things for your marriage/family you were building together, and so that kind of resentment would twist how she views things. Maybe her perception of you trying to "hurt her" is just a tangible reflection of how she might feel you did hurt her by not stepping in to give her space to grieve. 

(I have no idea what you did or didn't do. I'm just tossing out possibilities for things that might have occurred... and remember, even if it didn't occur, her perception that they occurred still results in the same outcome.)

Depression is often called "self-directed anger." When she's not aiming the anger at herself, it can escape to hurt others. 
I hope you guys can figure out what she needs and give her time to work through everything.


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## Narrator (Oct 11, 2009)

My mum describes Edgar Allan Poe as having unresolved grief, after loosing his mother at such a young age, and living in a time where he likely wouldn't get any professional help with it, he will hardly be able to identify his unhappiness. And as he looses more and more people in his life he becomes consumed with the idea of death, trying to reconcile it in his writing, or maybe just dwelling on something he feels on the edge of/so surrounded by.

Gambling debts, drinkings, becoming rashly critical of other authors, perhaps even his obsession with women and search for one to fill the gap, the outlets carry on piling up, but he is unable to move on.

Identifying and accepting are probably important things. Without this, how can the person hope to put a salve on their wound?

Perhaps it can be describes as unidentified, extented greiving - she will display the grief and brittleness/vulnerability (Not to say that means appearing frailer and weaker necessarily, but more sensitive to things provoking emotions in her) associated with it, and as the pain sticks it can morph.


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## Berdudget (Mar 24, 2011)

(I'm posting from my phone and I can't make paragraph breaks. Sorry for the wall of text) I relate to this. My dad died a little under 2 years ago, just after my brother got married and I'd had my second child and we were changing jobs and moving and without a stable home or job and we'd just gone through a bankruptcy. Also, my husband's dad had just died. He was in a dark place, mentally and emotionally abusing my son and I. We live thousands of miles from where my dad lived, so there was a lot of traveling involved while he was sick and when he died. He was a well-known and well-thought-of man. There were 1000 people at his memorial service. Everyone around me was grieving for him more than I was. They would use words that said they were trying to comfort me, but in reality they were looking to ME to comfort THEM. Anyway, my point is, I felt the need to "hold it together." So, once things calmed down, we found a nice home and things started to kind of get back to "normal," I had a complete breakdown. (I was diagnosed bipolar when I was 21.) My perceptions of life and relationships were all shaken and I was breaking open mentally and emotionally and being "re-created" from within. It has taken me over two years of intense mental and emotional work to become "stable" again. Hopefully your wife will be able to get through the processing of what her father's death means for her and come to terms with all the change. I'm sorry you are having to struggle and feel the brunt of her pain.


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## Jamie.Ether (Jul 1, 2011)

I can relate also... My boyfriend died when I was pretty young and my grief process was pretty chaotic and sporadic. I was diagnosed as "bipolar" too. But I knew I wasn't. When you try to hold all your feelings back, you can end up exploding at inappropriate moments or at inappropriate people. Everyone grieves in their own way and on their own time. It may take a while. I grew up with the impression that I had to be strong and calm and independent. I didn't allow myself to grieve when I should have and that caused chaos in my moods and mind. The best you can do is make sure she feels comfortable with you, provide a safe place for her to open up and just let her share her feelings without judging her. Let her know that you are there for her and she doesn't have to carry a burden alone.


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## Souljorn (Dec 28, 2010)

suomalainen said:


> My wife lost his dad some three years ago. At the time she was pregnant with our first child, and it had been a rough period with other deaths in the family as well.
> 
> Then later on, little by little she started having mood issues. Depression, but also anger issues and paranoia. Often times she has said that she believes that I'm trying to hurt her, which to anyone who knows me (and my wife definitely should!) seems absurd.
> 
> ...


I usually grieve really quickly. I get sad (which I hate) and then I start to reminisce and then I remind myself I should be happy that I have the memories I do have and the privilege of having known them. Furthermore I believe that our bond won't end until my death and I'll carry a part of them with me until that fateful day.


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## Thalassa (Jun 10, 2010)

My mother thinks that something like this is what is really wrong with me. She does not believe that I have a mood disorder. 

1) I was raised by my grandparents, and lost my grandmother a month before my sixth birthday.

2) The first boy I ever kissed, when I was 13, shot himself in the head two months later.

3) The one time I was pregnant I had a late-term miscarriage, in which I had to be hospitalized and was far enough along that "delivery" had to be induced.

4) I was in an abusive relationship.

5) Within a three year period of the last two events, my grandfather who raised me died.

My mother thinks I get very angry and depressed because of these things, not because of an actual mental illness.

Something like this could happen to your wife, for sure. 

I think it's a form of PTSD or something.


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## Pete The Lich (May 16, 2011)

suomalainen said:


> My *wife* lost _*his *_dad some three years ago. At the time she was pregnant with our first child, and it had been a rough period with other deaths in the family as well.
> 
> Then later on, little by little she started having mood issues. Depression, but also anger issues and paranoia. Often times she has said that she believes that I'm trying to hurt her, which to anyone who knows me (and my wife definitely should!) seems absurd.
> 
> ...


:dry: :frustrating:


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## Playful Proxy (Feb 6, 2012)

First, please excuse my laziness for not reading the comments below the main OP. If the idea I am going to present has already been stated, feel free to give me an evil glare. 

Now, the first thing to keep in mind is that your wife was pregnant. Pregnancy has a ton of its own hormones going around so any emotional response she would normally give is going to be multiplied ten-fold. She's not insane, but the extreme load her brain is expected to carry is taking a toll on her. In addition, the death of her father would obviously ask for a severe emotional response, and when paired with her already being pregnant, this could create the situation you are describing. 

I am describing my personal theory, so don't rule out all other alternatives just yet. The effects it is having on her now could simply be a flashback of the extreme emotions it evoked from her (paired with emotional additives). Also note that the death of a loved one is going to leave a bit of a hole in the heart for a long time regardless of the person. 

As for your original question, my responses are as follows:
-She is seeing a psychiatrist - If anyone but you and her know this, she will be embarrassed about it and instantly question her own sanity. That takes a toll of its own.

-Even after three years, a dead father will naturally bring about a little depression now and then if something reminds her of him. 

-You are married, you should know this one - When a woman is not feeling well, she will be quick to direct her attacks at those close to her, not intentionally, but she may not be able to help it. Be supportive and don't take it personally. Haven't you ever had the wonderful experience of hiding in a dark corner (with all of the sharp objects in the house hidden) when she is on her period while you two were dating? 

Qualifier:
This is from the perspective of an INTP. If I said something that sounds too impersonal or harsh, feel free to take a stick of bamboo and force me to eat Mac and Cheese until I happily fall asleep.


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## suomalainen (Nov 20, 2011)

On another forum, someone suggested that my wife has BPD. 

I'm always a little wary of any kind of online diagnosis, even more so when it's done by a third party, who may or may not be a janitor. But still, way back when this started, even I had suspected BPD. And also he said that therapists/psychiatrists are wary of saying out loud the diagnosis of BPD, for various reasons.

Whether it's true or not, at least to a layman like me, she does have a lot of the symptoms.

I can definitely understand that she would blame me for example for things like not being able to grieve for her father, because she had to take care of our son. Or something like that since she has anger issues, she fears that she will hurt our son. But because hurting our son is so frightening as a thought, she'll think that I will do it instead. 

One thing that definitely doesn't help her is that her family definitely has not dealt with her father's passing. Since she goes there to drop off and pick up our son every day, she sees them all the time. So it's kind of like picking on the wound every single day. 

It's a huge mess. But while I think I deal with it much better now that I've been seeing a therapist, and been told that I can't be responsible for her feelings, I can't help but wonder if I'm only emotionally hiding from her problems, instead of dealing with them on my own.


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## Lilsnowy (Sep 9, 2009)

suomalainen, grief or shock can turn inward for a long time, but eventually, if the loss or the trauma is great, it will resurface to be dealt with or if not resurface, it will show in small or big ways. It might be in uncontrollable tears or angry outbursts or a total withdrawal until intervention is needed. I think it's great that your wife's seeing a psychiatrist! 

She may feel anger for a variety of reasons. My own experience with grieving was that immediately after my brother died, I became more abrupt. So did a couple of my siblings. None of us planned it or expected it; we just changed. We couldn't waste time anymore, making sure everyone felt 'comfortable' and in particular, people we didn't know well. I also say no much more quickly now to things or people I don't want in my life. It's been four years since he died and I've had peace, but now I have tears too and I didn't for the longest time.

Your wife may need to express her grief, displeasure, frustration or anger, even if she doesn't understand where it's coming from, and she might not express it appropriately. It's good if she knows you can take it. However, you don't have to stand there and be verbally abused because you're the closest to her; you can let her know you're there to listen-- and you should--but also, that you love her but there are limits and sometimes you need [to take] a break.

Keep seeing your therapist and try to let go of worry. You can only do so much. Is it possible for you to take your child to the grandparents' house some mornings? Maybe you could suggest she enjoy a movie in bed or a leisurely bath or a lazy breakfast while you drop him off. It might not work to do that but it might be a nice change of pace.


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## Mutatio NOmenis (Jun 22, 2009)

Repressing and delaying grief and other such powerful feelings is a great way to fuck yourself up. You can suffer badly for years and be totally numb, but once you are in a safe place and not faced with danger, all that pain comes flooding back. I'm going through a sort of very long delayed process for what growing up was like. Now that I'm not there, I finally am feeling things that have been held back for far too long. I haven't felt strong, complex, proper emotions in so long I was worried that I had become some sort of monster. I understand why I was numb for so many years. If I had experienced all those feelings full force, it would have made my little mind go snap, and letting them out probably would have gotten me beaten into the ICU.


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