# Grudges, and hating people



## cavarice (Jan 30, 2010)

What is your ability to hold a grudge against someone like? Are there individuals in your life that you cannot stand and hold passionately bitter feelings towards, or do you see yourself capable as such? Why do you think you are the way you are in that domain of your life, and do you rationalize it?

Speaking for myself, I know that it is extremely difficult for me to hold a grudge for someone, no matter how much they may have wronged me in the past. I am lenient and can forgive and forget with tremendous ease. I know that some other people like this have rationalizations for not hating anyone or holding grudges, but I do not this is something that I do deliberately or consciously - *I have no ethical or moral justifications for not hating people*; it's just how I am. Even if I were presented with good reasons to hate someone (itself a highly debatable phenomenon), I still probably wouldn't.


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## mutton (Jan 21, 2010)

Nope, I don't hold grudges at all. I am very forgiving. In my view: holding a grudge is letting another person control a piece of you.


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## Synthetic Darkness (Mar 19, 2010)

I don't necessarily hold grudges. It takes quite a bit to get me really upset with someone, usually I get annoyed and once my annoyance passed I'll forgive that person and go on with life. However I never forget...anything, even if it was something seemingly small and insignificant I'll remember what that person did to me and while I won't have bitter feelings towards that person I'll forever have my guard up. It takes a long time to build my trust and once its broken you'll never get it back. But that doesn't mean I won't joke around or be "friends" with you, I hate conflict...but I hate people walking all over me even more.

When I'm really upset with someone, they become dead to me. It's as if they don't exist. I'll rant and rave for a few hours and then I'll take a nap and bam. It's like I never met that person before. I'll be cold and indifferent, not on purpose...it's just how I am. If you've done something to hurt me (and it takes a lot to hurt me) then I want absolutely nothing to do with you. It's as if my entire being is allergic to you and subsequently I will avoid spending any time with you. Haha it's something that unnerves my family, how I can be warm and silly one moment and cold and indifferent the next. 

I don't hate people though, never. Hate is too strong of an emotion to waste on someone who's done something to me. I simply push that person out of my mind and forget that they existed. That hurts them more than angry words and tears.


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## Vaka (Feb 26, 2010)

I try to hold grudges, but i usually can't xD
I mean if someone does something I might tell them that I really don't want to be around them...then that person comes back and we're friends again. It's really, really hard for me to hate someone...I mean highly dislike them (because hate is a strong emotion); I don't know if I can hold a grudge...I guess if someone betrays my trust perhaps, because I am a very trusting person and it would hurt if someone ever took advantage of that

And it's not ethical or moral things keeping me from holding grudges, it's mainly just how friendly I am. I think I may be pretty good at brushing things off anyway


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## Korvyna (Dec 4, 2009)

I don't really have any grudges... I'm extremely frustrated with my ex because he isn't holding up his end of the divorce decree.... But I don't consider it holding a grudge. Once he finally follows through with his end of the deal I'll let it go and be done with him for good.... 

I really only hate one person, and that's because she's stabbed me in the back three times....and is still running around trying to talk trash about me... But in all honesty, more than anything I pity her. She has this desire to be accepted by everyone and it actually causes her to self-destruct a lot of the time... 

I agree with mutton, by holding a grudge, you are letting that person control a piece of you....and in a sense, they win. Me, I wouldn't say I always forgive, but I do always forget.


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## SeekJess (Nov 1, 2009)

I struggle with bitterness toward people. Sometimes it is a on and off again battle for me to forgive someone... not only because you forgive the person for the things they have done in the past. But also for the things they continually do to you on the daily basis. I'm trying to be a better Christian, so this is definitely a weak point for me... also pride is my downfall. I have to remind myself that everyone is equal...


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## Aerorobyn (Nov 11, 2009)

I don't - can't - hold grudges. It's just not in my nature. Literally, somebody could treat me like a piece of garbage and the next day I would still be friendly towards them. No, this isn't to say that I'm a push-over or anything - I definitely wouldn't call myself that. I firmly believe that I can stand up for myself and put people in their places (I have had a couple of recent examples of this irl, but I won't get into it) - but what's the point? I don't want to be rude to another person unless I feel I absolutely have to. 

Holding grudges, in my opinion, only adds to problems. It causes so much more stress, anger, bitterness, etc. Also, I have found that the best way to get back at a person is to show them that whatever they did/said to you didn't bother you in the least bit (even if it did). 

Okay, don't want to get this too long. But seriously, no, I don't hold grudges. I don't hate anybody. There are a few people I wish hadn't done me the way they did, but that's all in the past, and if they were to come back around I would accept them... not quite sure I would trust them, but I would accept them.


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## BAnn83 (Mar 18, 2010)

A few years ago I would have said that there are good reasons to hold grudges, but now I just see it as pointless. Cliche as it may be, two wrongs def. don't make a right. Forgiveness is probably one of the hardest things to do, but I think the person being able to let go of any bitterness is probably doing themselves a favor, and being the better person in the end. I try to take all my decisions and actions, and think of the long term outcomes. Is something I am upset over today, going to still affect me a week, month or even a couple years from now? Twenty years? Most likely not. Let go of the past, and move on. Easier said than done though.


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## Nitou (Feb 3, 2010)

I decided to delete post containing rancid and hateful stuff.


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## Vanitas (Dec 13, 2009)

I don't actively trying to get even, but if the chance come and it won't_ in any way _negatively affect me, I probably would. Rather than hating, I remember. I remember what they did and accept that there's a good chance they'll do it again given the chance, so I might be more cautious and guarded when dealing with them, or cut them off completely (when the possibility they can contribute something positive in my life is close to none). 

So I guess I forgive.. or grow to ignore, but I don't forget.


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## beth x (Mar 4, 2010)

Vanitas said:


> So I guess I forgive.. or grow to ignore, but I don't forget.


same here...it would be like wiping a slate and forgetting how the mess was created in the first place if you were to forget...you need to remember how it happened so you can be forewarned in the future.


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## Blue Butterfly (Sep 19, 2009)

In my lifetime I have been beaten, battered and raped and in the past I have held grudges. What I have learned through healing my painful past is that holding grudges does not stop the pain of being mistreated. What holding grudges does is slowly kill the one holding the grudge. Grudges are a very slow acting poison that shortens ones life and makes life very miserable. So no longer will I take that poison into my system. No matter what a person has don't to me I will hate the situation or act but never the person. Hating people will and does kill people. I am not going to hurt myself by holding any grudges.

It is interesting because if someone had told that to me a few years ago I would have laughed at them.


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## silverlined (Jul 8, 2009)

Though I have been hurt, I prefer not to hold grudges. 
I just find it counter-productive. The past has passed and the hurt has happened. I wanna focus of making the best of the situation and healing. I really do believe people and situations can change most of the time so I don't want to hold the past against someone in these cases. 
I will react to the present accordingly and allow myself to feel whatever I feel when something hurtful or unfair is happening. I find that I react quickly to these kinds of things, but I forgive quickly too.

Though I don't hold many grudges, I do like to learn from past situations and want to spend more time with those who treat me well, as opposed to those who don't.


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## Perseus (Mar 7, 2009)

*Neighbourhood Bully*

If an INTP is hurt by an ESTJ, all things are possible. You could be murdered or forgiven or even forgotten. It is also possible that the INTP will not even notice. There will be no way you will be able to find out. This is what happens to the Neighbourhood Bully.

If you have hurt another accidentally, the tip is not to reinforce your actions by repetition. If you do the INTP will act in mysterious ways (to you) that you will not be able to fathom, even with advice. PNTI and PNIT will be the most dangerous.


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## Apollo Celestio (Mar 10, 2010)

Forgiving is indeed a strength. Forgiving is different than being a doormat. Some days I wonder if I've ever forgiven anyone because I can remember the wrongs, other days I wonder if I cared even then.


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## WickedQueen (Jun 1, 2009)

I hold grudge. I don't forgive nor forget, but I can get over things.

For example, my teacher had molested me in the past. I do not forget how awful the experience was. And I do not forgive him for what he did. I don't think I can forgive him. Ever. BUT, It's not like I'm obsessed with my hatred all the time. I move on, because I know there's nothing I can do to change the past.

My INTJ ex cheated on me and did other terrible things. I dumped him. But the memory of what he had done to me and how it hurt me still remains like a wound that will never heal.

How to explain this, rationally? Well, I'm an ESTJ. My primary functions are Te & Si. So:


My Te memorized things, strongly. It is hard for me to forget because I use my Te as my dominant function.
My Si depends on the past to make decisions. When you use the past memories (Si) and your Te together as your dominant functions, then the chance is little for you to "forget the past", because you use it as one of your main tools to gather informations in order to make a decision.

Plus, as an SJ, which is known as the most loyal type, I have both weakness and strength. 


 I'm able to remain loyal no matter what happen in the future, that is my strength. Imply this to hatred, then it is possible for me to remain keeping the hatred/grudge to a person, no matter what. That is my weakness. Once someone put the bad image of him/her in my shoes, you can bet that the image will last for a very very VERY long time.
 SJ worship justice. Everything must balance and fair. When someone hurt us, we would want justice and make him pay for what he did. When justice is not possible, then we will memorize the pain and keep the grudge, with hope that someday we can bring up the issue and uphold the justice.


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## sprinkles (Feb 7, 2010)

In spite of how I act on here some times.... I don't think I hate anyone.

I can get upset, some times really upset, but I always cool down and often feel bad about getting angry, no matter if or how much the person deserved it... often times _I_ end up feeling like the bad one.


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## lantern (Feb 15, 2010)

cavarice said:


> What is your ability to hold a grudge against someone like? Are there individuals in your life that you cannot stand and hold passionately bitter feelings towards, or do you see yourself capable as such? Why do you think you are the way you are in that domain of your life, and do you rationalize it?


 
No I can't hold grudges, I get annoyed/angry/upset but then I deal with it as quick as I can, by asking myself "Does it really matter?" usually this is a No. If it was a family-related matter then I find it easier to bring up whatever's going on and talk about it in the most calmest logical way I can, once resolved I forget. Although I must admit my mother and eldest sister have a tendency to hit things below the belt - which p***** me off, because their words HURT big time, not just me but others as well, because they didn't first consider the impact of their words. I get upset because I don't like seeing people get hurt, myself included. This doesn't mean that I'm bitter towards them though, it's just family stuff which is pretty normal.

A previous ex treated me like dirt. I dumped him and moved on. I can forgive the person but I won't forget the act. And yes he wanted to still be a part of my life but I refused, his behaviour was too unhealthy for me, so I pressed the 'delete' button.


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## The Psychonaut (Oct 29, 2009)

im not good at holding grudges.

i think its because the saying forgive and forget it reversed for me...
more like forget and forgive...


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## TempusFugit (Feb 26, 2010)

I have been known to hold grudges in the past, but like most people here it seems, I have learned to forgive but not to forget.


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