# I find it hard to talk to strangers



## Kytaari (Mar 14, 2011)

Maybe my introverted tendencies are much stronger than I thought, because I need a lot of productive reasons to start a conversation with a stranger. Lately I've been desiring social experiences, but I'm afraid of causing conflict and being rejected. I don't always have something interesting to say, and I don't know what kind of good social services I can provide because I'm normally not well-equipped to hand out advice. I don't have a lot of common sense and I tend to misread social situations whenever there's a problem going on. I don't know what I can do to please other people and make them likely, because I don't know what I'm socially good at.

What are some ways to find your social strengths? How can I open up with strangers without facing (or fear facing) rejection?

Like I've already said, I wish I was good at solving problems for other people, but I seem to lack that talent. I guess I'm an amiable guy to be around, but sometimes I just feel so useless. I'm kind of losing my social confidence. I don't even know how valuable I really am to my own friends. What kind of things do I do for them? What is it I'm good at? I wish I felt more useful to other people, but it's like I don't even know my strengths. And sometimes I can be awkward in social situations too. I'm not exactly sure what causes this, but I think it might have something to do with too much honesty mixed with social misreadings and general nativity. 

If you have any suggestions, please hit me with it. I kind of feel at my wit's end with this. I don't understand what traits make me a good friend or person to talk to. I hope this post doesn't seem to weird. It's just a problem I don't really understand yet.


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## JamieBond (Dec 13, 2011)

Sometimes when I'm talking to strangers, I actually start physically shaking. 

You have to put yourself in situations where you're slightly comfortable, like a familiar place or within a group of people where you know someone. You have interests, right? Find someone with your same inerests. It will make the conversation easier to start. If you like rock climbing, go to a rock climbing gym. You will already have something in common with the people there. Or if you like reading, go to a bookstore or a library, etc. 

And be confident. There is only one, unique, attractive, you: you are an endandgered species. Act like it! A little bit of confidence goes a long way.


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## Plubbingworth (Feb 24, 2012)

You know, I have been going through the same exact problem lately. My experience with it is more limited than yours is, but maybe you can learn from me.

I'm the third and youngest member of a classical guitar trio. I'm 20, while the other two guys are 37 and 45.

I try my best to get the job of being good at my instrument down, but my problem is in my speech and interaction. When I'm around those two guys, I slip into a very silly mode of speech. I share anecdotes that go nowhere, I reference things that are unrelated, and I'm generally nonsensical and prone to heavy usage of non sequiturs.

The other two guys realize how silly I am, and they put it off as me being young, but reliable as a guitarist. We GENERALLY get along well, and it's a very fun thing we do.

I think I revel in the freedom that it allows me. It's like the archetype of the Bunny Ears Lawyer. ...Look it up.

But I realized that, being very prone to problem solving, I don't know what to do when there is no problem to solve. All I REALLY need to do is keep up in the practice, and show up prepared.

They say that one of the measures of a man is how they treat people they don't need. I treat them as buddies.

Maybe this will answer some questions.

I also recommend figuring out what your learning style is. On the website Edutopia, you can take a free test that will determine your Multiple Intelligences, which are an evaluation of your skills in every area. Once you figure it out, you can use a book like _7 kinds of smart: identifying and developing your multiple intelligences_, by Thomas Armstrong to see how you can develop yourself in the areas that you want to improve upon.

Also, _How You Can Be More Interesting_, by Edward De Bono.

What, you didn't think I wasn't going to give practical advice, eh?


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## ENTJam (Nov 15, 2010)

Well, I'll just share the things I was told that helped me a lot!

1st)Would you like to be approached by someone? If so, why do you think YOU would be awkward? Trust me, you're not! I thought I was going to be seen as awkward but hey... no issues YET!

2nd)Not all conversations are great. But DO start commenting on something about the environment: about a class you two just had, about the book the other person is reading, the fact that he/she has an iPhone 4s (is it worth it?)... at the gym, the two times I striked conversations with totally random strangers I asked about if the Boss headphones they were using were actually as good as I heard they were... the conversations didn't turn out great, and I never saw those two people again. BUT the fact that they replied to my question (and short inquires) showed that I didn't creep them out... so it wasn't TOO awkward hahaha!

You have NO IDEA how scared I was about rejection. All you gotta do is learn that people who are actually WORTH spending time with and having conversations will NOT reject you. Now... I don't think I have been rejected in the last few months when approaching strangers... actually, once. And it was pretty hilarious 



If this wasn't ENOUGH, just PM me and I will compile a list with all the things I have learned in the last few months!


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## Shiro (Jan 24, 2012)

You're not good at speaking with strangers- so what? If you are the way you described yourself other people value you for your honesty and the fact that you don't speak incessantly about unimportant matters- something that is valued highly of people who have to hear the same shit of not needed politeness with additionnal irrelevant, superficial niceness which is not meant- it's quite refreshing to meet people like you

That you don't know what to say in social situations is just a result of this- no need to worry! Believe me you're way more likeable if you don't talk about the weather or other shit.


If you want to talk with a stranger just talk about something he/she is working on most people like to explain in detail what they intend to do or a book, a project whatever.

About causing conflict- I do it all the time not on purpose but still- but that's not your fault conflict is something natural and people who're not able to deal with it or dislike you for having a different opinion are not worth being befriended with


-Solving the problems of other people is something very useful indeed, but not needed most friendships are doing well without it just consider all the self-centered egoists- the relationships still work out very well-society proves it- so don't worry about being disconnected or having no reason to talk to them in the first place- the people who're worth spending time with are the ones who like you

Remember that being rejected by someone who is insignificant doesn't really matter- there are people who like you and they've got a damn good reason for it.


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## Kytaari (Mar 14, 2011)

Thank you everyone very much for these responses. I realize now that I may not be a good problem solver, but I still possess a lot of traits that make me desirable as a friend. Everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses I guess, so I just need to feel comfortable with mine. 

I feel much better now. I really appreciate the time you people took to provide me with a response. I guess I was just making a big deal out of my insecurities. I'm feeling better though now. 

I'm gonna try feeling more comfortable in my own skin again. There's no reason to try and be somebody that I'm not, and I know now that I'm not even an undesirable person in the first place.


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## donkeybals (Jan 13, 2011)

Waittttt don't go. 

Okay, well I was going to suggest that infp's are naturally very helpful. So the next time an opportunity arrises where you can help a stranger, do it!!


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