# NF's and Hostility



## Bella (Feb 5, 2009)

Are NFs ever considered hostile, competitive, for instance, in social situations ? I would assume not. Are these traits how you would ever describe another fellow NF or yourself? Or is competitiveness/hostility, mostly an SJ/SP trait? 

I'm trying to figure out my friend, who wears her heart on her sleeves a lot, but tends to be really rowdy and acts dramatic a lot, although she won't admit it. 

I know this might sound like a sweeping generalization, but I would really like to hear your insight. This is an open ended question. Feel free to elaborate from personal experiences, etc.


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## gOpheR (Jan 19, 2009)

I get very hostile and competative at times. Mostly hostile when something is done that goes against every fiber of my being and competative when the air is competative.


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## Bella (Feb 5, 2009)

That's true.. I knew an INFJ who was pretty hostile when he the situation called for it, but he was an overall mellow guy.

I'm more of a peace-maker and avoid confrontations as much as I can. That's not to say, I can't be hostile, either. It's rare.

So would competitiveness likely be attributed to "Js"?


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## snail (Oct 13, 2008)

I only become hostile when defending my values, and even then, try to assert myself as impersonally as possible rather than resorting to attacks... unless the other person is being a bully. Then, I call him/her on it.

I am not competitive at all.


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## gOpheR (Jan 19, 2009)

I think that my competativeness goes to my need to reaffirm my self-worth. So I don't know where that fits into the typing thing...


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## de l'eau salée (Nov 10, 2008)

I'm not normally competitive, but I can get a little bit competitive when it's something I'm actually good at (go figure). However, I"m not good at many things, so I'm not often competitive.

As for hostility, I normally am not hostile at all. I'm a really passive, easy-going person and I try to make the mood as positive as possible, but if someone insults me with the intention to hurt me, I become much more defensive.


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## starri (Jan 23, 2009)

I'm not normally competitive.

In a new environment i would 1st aim at getting to know everyone, finding nice friends/acquaintances, before i think i should prove to everyone that i am better than them.

I had a habit before of getting competitive with *some* people. Those who question my knowledge, or i feel are acting competitive with me. But even that i stopped.

It sums up to : if im happy im not competitive. Not sufficiently motivated by much to become competitive.

(did i just say the word *competitive* like a million times)

oh n bella, i like ur threads, they make me think.. i'll think and get back to the other ones by you.

Welcome to forums fellow ENFP


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## Enigma (Jan 31, 2009)

I didn't used to think of myself as competative, but I have found out that I am actually very competative at times. 

As far as hostility goes, yes I can very hostile. I have been described as fiesty, uptight, high strung, bitchy, and in some cases I actually am, but not so much as people take me for. I think that goes to part of the mis conception of NF's in particualr.
I remember reading that NF's are often mistaken for being unapproachable, unfriendly, even sneaky or malicious, simply because we can be so inscrutable.


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## Bella (Feb 5, 2009)

Danke schön, Starrynights, =)

I tend to get a bit defensive if someone questions me, too, in a really offensive way. I realize that maybe they're insecure? If someone unnecessarily tries to trump me in order to find empowerment, it has the opposite effect in my eyes. Unless I'm deeply passionate about something personal, that's when I can come off hostile, in which I know I shouldn't. 

Just as in everyone else's response, I stand my ground _when_ I have to. I wouldn't say I'm competitive either. I don't think that competitiveness is something that's found in NFs in particular. I could be wrong. Maybe, as previously mentioned, we're competitive when we're good at something, a personal talent, board games, sports? We might also do so for fun, for kicks to lighten up the mood or to joke around? 

(The so-called friend that I mentioned, I would peg as ESFP or even ESFJ, maybe more J than P, because until now, she will still compete, even though I keep my distance. The aggressive behavior became even more apparent the day she joined sorority. I found out through a few friends how much she sits there and talks trash. I was nothing but kind to her. It's been how many years? I still don't dislike her though. I just wish she could stop. Life's too short. If that's how she finds confidence, personally, I think that kind of behavior translates into cockiness- not confidence. IMO, confidence is to be content with ourselves, to be at peace with who we are, to not overexert ourselves with intentions to cause others to look or feel bad, instead, to help them feel _good _about who they are with ease. _After all, we are idealists, aren't we?_)

I do find that I compete with myself a lot though. Meaning, I find ways to grow as a person. It's healthier when we compare ourselves to our own self, as a way to be gentle on our esteem, if that makes any sense. Hehe. Plus, I tend to admire people for their qualities. That's what defines _them._ This is what defines _me_. If there's a mutual understanding, then both sides are HAPPY.

..I heard how NFs can also come off as prickly sometimes. I know I'm not the best morning person. lol


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## Zaria (Jan 11, 2009)

I'm not competative AT ALL. If someone wants to start a discussion with me, just for discussion's sake, I'm all like: Whateva. I'm really not interested in winning arguments, games or other silly stuff. If other people think they need to, please be my guest. I do like to tell people: 'Told you so' afterwards, when I turned out to be right, though. I just don't like to discuss it, the better it is when the outcome of an argument is that I was right. :wink: When I accidentally win a game, I do get really irritating, though. :crazy:

I don't know what hostility is. In certain cases (very rare, though) somebody can irritate me beyond words and then I can become vile, but before something like that happens you must have:
a. offended me in a horrible way;
b. offended one of my family members in a horrible way;
c. offended one of my best friends in a horrible way.

And even then, you must at least have done this two or three times before my hostility kicks in. Pretty lame, actually. Sometimes I think my hostile side needs some improvement, really. :dry:


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## Trope (Oct 18, 2008)

Your friend sounds like she might be an ISTP.


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## CJay3113 (Dec 31, 2008)

This thread has my name written all over it. I consider myself _quietly_ competitive in a sense that I don't need to openly boast about what I'm sure I can do when I'm competing. And I'm only hostile when I am backed into a corner. I was called dramatic when I was a kid, but I think I've calmed down over the years. Out of all three traits, I definitely bring out the competitive side the most.


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## Bella (Feb 5, 2009)

Trope said:


> Your friend sounds like she might be an ISTP.


 I have another word for her type, but I wouldn't want to offend any other animals in the animal kingdom, let alone, piece of poop.

In all honesty, I feel that her behavior is a lack of understanding who she is as a human being. Despite everything, I can still forgive her, soon as she stops.


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## mcgooglian (Nov 12, 2008)

I can definitely be very competitive. I remember once, I was playing basketball against one of my good friends and by the time we were done, he was covered in scratches and scrapes. I tend to surprise people with the intensity I play at when really competitive because I'm so quiet.


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## Bella (Feb 5, 2009)

Zaria said:


> I'm not competative AT ALL. If someone wants to start a discussion with me, just for discussion's sake, I'm all like: Whateva. I'm really not interested in winning arguments, games or other silly stuff. If other people think they need to, please be my guest. I do like to tell people: 'Told you so' afterwards, when I turned out to be right, though. I just don't like to discuss it, the better it is when the outcome of an argument is that I was right. :wink: When I accidentally win a game, I do get really irritating, though. :crazy:
> 
> I don't know what hostility is. In certain cases (very rare, though) somebody can irritate me beyond words and then I can become vile, but before something like that happens you must have:
> a. offended me in a horrible way;
> ...


 *Sorry for the previous venting..* Agreed. I stick up for family and friends too. Sometimes, I wish I could be more aggressive. I'm too "P" for passive.. :happy:


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## starri (Jan 23, 2009)

i wish i could stick up for myself more often. :dry:


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## NephilimAzrael (Oct 26, 2008)

Bella said:


> *Sorry for the previous venting..* Agreed. I stick up for family and friends too. Sometimes, I wish I could be more aggressive. I'm too "P" for passive.. :happy:





starrynights said:


> i wish i could stick up for myself more often. :dry:


You girls ever hear of assertiveness rather than aggressiveness?
What you said Bella, sounds like a passive form. Whilst starrynights appears to be aware of assertive behaviour, in her statement. But it is too little to go on.

So here is something to breeze over, in a format that any NF can sympathise with.
The Tides of Crazy Love: Passive, Aggressive, Passive-Agressive or Assertive: Which Are You?


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## mcgooglian (Nov 12, 2008)

Yep, Passive-Aggressive sounds like me.


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## Zaria (Jan 11, 2009)

Thanks for that, Neph. I've always been in the passive modus, I realized that only two months ago when doing a course on interpersonal communication for my work. It's a long way to assertiveness, but I have this feeling I will get there in the end, around 2032 that is. :wink:


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## starri (Jan 23, 2009)

NephilimAzrael said:


> You girls ever hear of assertiveness rather than aggressiveness?
> What you said Bella, sounds like a passive form. Whilst starrynights appears to be aware of assertive behaviour, in her statement. But it is too little to go on.
> 
> So here is something to breeze over, in a format that any NF can sympathise with.
> The Tides of Crazy Love: Passive, Aggressive, Passive-Agressive or Assertive: Which Are You?



well, i did sympathize, n thanks a million times for sharing that roud: sweet of u.

but i wont be classified, as passive, agressive, passive-agressive.. 

here is a situation:

got hair done at hairdresser, 

*20$*
i give the guy a 50$ bill, wait for him to organize his money. wait for him to give me my change. nothing.
"ehem i need my change plz"
*what change?*
" i just gave u a 50"
* no u didnt* gets all defensive, shows me various random things related to cash...
"look im sure i gave u a 50 but wtvr man"

never goes to this hairdresser again..

other situation:

Freind: Lets go out
Me: sure
Friend: cafe X?
Me: was just there yesterday
Friend: cmon i love it
Me: ok...

me bails out last minute coz i dont like to feel manipulated.


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