# Just so you know, my wonderful marriage of 15 years is over



## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

emberfly said:


> Do you feel as though life as you know it is over?


It is. That might be even harder than losing her. 



> As though you don't even know what you're living for?


No, I have to live for me. 



> Do you feel stuck, not knowing where the joy in life is?


I know where I thought it was. I know it isn't there anymore.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

drmiller100 said:


> "this time" ????????????


We got to the brink of splitting up about 3-4 times over the course of 15 years and stepped back. Maybe we should have done it sooner.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

stargazing grasshopper said:


> That kind of stuff really sucks, but it brings to mind a line from the tune Closing Time "every new beginning comes from some other new beginnings end". Not insinuating that your situation may end up being a blessing in disguise, but who knows what'll be after the grief has faded.
> Maybe another great (younger?) gal will find her way into your life.
> Just saying, keep your chin up, focus upon the positive possibilities & something good will come from this low point.



The situation has ended. We signed the papers yesterday. Right now, one week ago today, I was sitting at work looking forward to taking her out to dinner for Valentine's Day. Little did I know that by the end of that night, I would be out of the house and facing a divorce.


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## cardinalfire (Dec 10, 2009)

tanstaafl28 said:


> I think it is a cop out meant to make the other person feel better about it, but it never really works. It is never completely one-sided. It takes two to make it work, it takes two to make it fail. She said she woke up one day and realized her life with me was never going to be any better than it was right then, and she wanted more than that. It was then her love for me began to slowly fade. She wanted me to change, and I didn't want to change. Another sign that maybe we weren't supposed to be together in the first place.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Reading this I felt really sad, I guess because I see some of my life mirrored in parts of this. Not that i've been married or anything, just i've dealt a lot with unknowns and problems in my life caused by things out my control (had a traumatic , well several traumatic experiences because of my mum wanting to move to a new place, away from friends things I knew and although I didn't want to go, other things and experiences left me feeling unsure about what to do - the person I was and who I am now, god are miles apart - so lose of identity is something I know a lot about), so when you talk about trying to rediscover what your passions are and who you are, it resonates a lot with me. 

Whilst I didn't lose who I was because of a marriage, I lost a lot of I guess 'self love' feeling connected to something bigger than me, being able to break away from the stresses of life and understand some of my problems and just take time to enjoy things I love, without having to worry about things like who I am, and unknowns and god all other sorts of crap i've been through. There are days I walk around thinking, who am I, or am I really who I was - as the song goes. I can imagine it's similar to going through a break up where you have to sacrifice to make the marriage work.

It just struck me how hard it is to actually just create a sense of normality for ourselves with everything that goes on in the world, and sometimes there are forces outside of our control which affect our lives and sometimes it can just be one person making a decision that can literally affect another's life in ways we don't know about. Friends and family literally have no clue what i've been through because of the move, some of them can imagine, but to really know? I doubt it. To also realise on top of that you are getting older, and might not be able to do all the things you want because of anxiety, depression or uncertainty or confusion about your future, is difficult.

the whole thing reminds me of this:


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## Eudaimonia (Sep 24, 2013)

After so many years, it will be hard to rewrite your life, but allow yourself the time to work through the anger and come to a place of forgiveness for your sake. It is better to let go than to turn it into a big long drawn out fight.

During my seperation when my husband left me, I was angry and confused and went over conversations in my head all the time which felt strange because he wasn't there to answer my questions for me to find closure. I couldn't sleep for weeks. After about 3 months, something shifted in me where all my dedication to making the marriage work made me feel sick and I wanted to get out of the house, out of area, quit my job and travel.

He ended up calling me around the time that I got used to the peace and quiet in my house and he wanted us to work on our marriage again. It was strange because I lost all the willingness or strength to fight for it anymore. It felt like he was too late.

I found my independent self after all the time processing what happened and what went wrong. I'm sure I found my own answers, but his answers weren't really answers, so I had to make due with reconstructing my new life without talking it through with him.

Once the divorce came through, I felt free (not to say this is what you will feel). But, I worked through it, and moved to another city and traveled and found myself having more fun then I did before without the drain of the emotional negativity that I was living with before (not to say that you were going through the same stuff).

I would say that 19years couldn't have been all a lie. She may have been luckier than she realises and she may realise it later.

Make it easy on the both of you and cut your losses to find your new self and new life sooner rather than later. Having a complicated divorce is not the way to go. Try not to take revenge.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

Eudaimonia said:


> After so many years, it will be hard to rewrite your life, but allow yourself the time to work through the anger and come to a place of forgiveness for your sake. It is better to let go than to turn it into a big long drawn out fight.


That's what we did. As hard as it has been, if that's how it has to be, I can't live in between what I had with her and what I have alone. It has to be one or the other. 


> During my seperation when my husband left me, I was angry and confused and went over conversations in my head all the time which felt strange because he wasn't there to answer my questions for me to find closure. I couldn't sleep for weeks. After about 3 months, something shifted in me where all my dedication to making the marriage work made me feel sick and I wanted to get out of the house, out of area, quit my job and travel.


I have thought of cashing out my retirement and just moving. I am a military veteran, and I have two degrees and a lot of experience, I should be able to get a decent job just about anywhere. I have lived so far away from my family that I have only seen them once a year for the last 10 years. I would love to be closer to them. 



> He ended up calling me around the time that I got used to the peace and quiet in my house and he wanted us to work on our marriage again. It was strange because I lost all the willingness or strength to fight for it anymore. It felt like he was too late.
> 
> I found my independent self after all the time processing what happened and what went wrong. I'm sure I found my own answers, but his answers weren't really answers, so I had to make due with reconstructing my new life without talking it through with him.


Yeah, things would really have to change for me to even consider going back. We'd probably have to start all over from scratch and date for a while. I don't see her wanting to do that. I am really missing the person I thought I knew and love...AND the life we created together. 



> Once the divorce came through, I felt free (not to say this is what you will feel). But, I worked through it, and moved to another city and traveled and found myself having more fun then I did before without the drain of the emotional negativity that I was living with before (not to say that you were going through the same stuff).


I have to leave this city. Las Vegas just isn't the kind of town to be single in. I can make a better life for myself closer to my family for far cheaper. 



> I would say that 19years couldn't have been all a lie. She may have been luckier than she realises and she may realise it later.
> 
> Make it easy on the both of you and cut your losses to find your new self and new life sooner rather than later. Having a complicated divorce is not the way to go. Try not to take revenge.


We already signed the papers. Everything is done in that regard. There are some hard times to come. I have to go over to the house and rummage through all the stuff we have accumulated over the years and figure out what to take, what to leave, and what to toss. Then I'll probably have to arrange temporary storage for most of it until I can gather up and leave.


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## FlaviaGemina (May 3, 2012)

That sucks donkey balls, I'm sorry to hear it.


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## Eudaimonia (Sep 24, 2013)

tanstaafl28 said:


> That's what we did. As hard as it has been, if that's how it has to be, I can't live in between what I had with her and what I have alone. It has to be one or the other.
> 
> 
> I have thought of cashing out my retirement and just moving. I am a military veteran, and I have two degrees and a lot of experience, I should be able to get a decent job just about anywhere. I have lived so far away from my family that I have only seen them once a year for the last 10 years. I would love to be closer to them.
> ...



I wrote what I wrote missing the post about you already having signed the papers.

You're making plans and moving on. Good for you. It sounds fairly amicable even though it might still hurt.

Divorce is like death. You have to adjust to what or who isn't there. What was available to you and your default go to person isn't there anymore. Even the conflicts might feel like they are still there for a long time and it is better to think it through before you act on those conflicts with someone else without realising they're not the same issues.

Many times I've seen people uprooted from a death (of a spouse mostly) because they had to move and give up what feels like what they've been working their whole life to establish.

This seems rather quick. I hope you can find support or enough time for yourself for adjustments and making a fresh start for yourself without too much pressure. Being that I'm an introvert, I liked having time to myself, but you might not need quiet alone time to yourself as an extrovert -possibly(?)-.

We had a "Simple Dissolution of Marriage" without attorneys and I gave him as much stuff I could because I didn't want to look back nor wanting to have extra burdens since I was traveling. He got the dish set and silverware and stuff that he actually thought I was going to take, but all I took was my furniture set that I had before we were married and I even let him drive my old car until he got himself one. I gave my furniture to my sister and took one of her single beds and left for the Big City. It was seriously all I had was a bed, some books and a cushion to sit on when I got my apartment. It was time to go to Ikea and get a few things like two dishes and cutlery and couple of lamps.

Life was good. Seriously. It was the best time of my life. I can't say that you or anyone will feel the same, but I found a new sense of freedom I never had before and I was glad to be on my own.

When we sold the house after the divorce, the lawyers needed me to write a letter stating that I agreed for him to get the majority of the money because I think they didn't believe that I wasn't going to go back and demand more from him, but he was getting his PhD and he needed to pay off his debts. It was faster to get it over with, and I really didn't want to have to deal with anything more than I had to since I already moved 8 hours away by the time the house was sold.

Much later I moved near family, but not after I sowed my wild oats and lived it up.  This was about the time I went to Budapest and Prague for Christmas which I think we talked about before.

I was just thinking of going back to Hungary. Of course this time I've got my kid in tow, so it wouldn't be like before.

Budapest is a great place for dating. Magyars are very romantic... hint hint... haha


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

@Eudaimonia

We loved Prague so much we visited it twice over the last 5 years! We just went to Budapest in 2013. It turns out to be the last major trip we had together. I would love to go back to Europe again. I just wonder if it will feel weird not having my wife there with me. I loved watching her see things there with awe and wonder.


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## Eudaimonia (Sep 24, 2013)

tanstaafl28 said:


> @_Eudaimonia_
> 
> We loved Prague so much we visited it twice over the last 5 years! We just went to Budapest in 2013. It turns out to be the last major trip we had together. I would love to go back to Europe again. I just wonder if it will feel weird not having my wife there with me. I loved watching her see things there with awe and wonder.


May be not then. I don't know. It is up to you. Perhaps to find another place to go might be better.

I think for me, it was hard to get him to go places, so that I already had a list of places to go before the divorce that was only fully realised after the divorce that I could make it happen on my own.

One such place was San Francisco, but it turned out weird since he wanted to work on things when I already booked my travel plans and then he ended up going with me. Now, I want to go back to experience the NW Coast without him as I felt that the trip was a little tainted by having him there.

There are plenty of beautiful places like Vancouver BC or Buenos Aires or Barcelona or Helsinki. Damn, I'm never going to stop. This is going to kick in my wanderlust if it hasn't already.

Ok ok, I'll stop.

All the best to you.


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## ForestPaix (Aug 30, 2014)

tanstaafl28 said:


> Years of feeling like we don't share the same goals in life. It wore her down.


Oh


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

On the other hand...since we signed the papers, we've had some really good talks. Honest communication about what went wrong in the marriage. It is strangely..._cathartic_.


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## drmiller100 (Dec 3, 2011)

where is family?


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## Bugs (May 13, 2014)

Sorry you had to go through that @tanstaafl28. I often remember you writing very positive things about your wife. Life hits people in strange ways, no? I recently broke up with my girlfriend as well. Our 8 months together is very little in time compared to your many years but I do understand the terrible feeling of no longer being with a person you love. I'm glad you have a positive outlook about it. I maintain one as well. Good things come to good people my friend


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## knife (Jul 10, 2013)

Wow man, that sucks.

That was how it was with my first breakup too. I thought everything was going gung-ho and then bam, she informs me she wants to break up with me out of the blue. It took me a long time to get over that. Damn man. Breakups are always harder to those who are more in love. Always.

My best advice is ... get yourself back on your feet. And then allow yourself to cry and grieve. Because that's what it is: a breakup is the death of something. Something metaphorical, perhaps, but something there nonetheless.


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## Purrfessor (Jul 30, 2013)

You lost something big, it'll stick with you for a very long time. But remember that your future is not 100% lost.. Just maybe 20-40%. I know when I get really sad over something I lost I can't help but think that everything is gone. It sounds silly but feelings are like that. Just make sure that those feelings aren't everything just because they continuously reoccur for a large period of time. Never forget that sadness is NOT eternal. There's a lot to smile at in this world. And there always will be.


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## FlaviaGemina (May 3, 2012)

tanstaafl28 said:


> On the other hand...since we signed the papers, we've had some really good talks. Honest communication about what went wrong in the marriage. It is strangely..._cathartic_.


That sounds good. At least this way you might both be able to avoid repeating the same 'mistakes' in a new relationship. (I've put mistakes into quotation marks because it's perfectly possible for a relationship to go wrong without anyone being to blame.)


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

North Carolina


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## Scrabbletray (Apr 27, 2014)

I'm still confused why she has the house and you're packing up and leaving and talking about having to take money out of your 401k. Doesn't she have to buy you out of half the equity in the house? After 19 years of marriage it seems like that should be quite a chunk of change. Plus housing prices are doing better now. You could force sale and get a pretty good windfall it would seem.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

Wight Knight said:


> Wow man, that sucks.
> 
> That was how it was with my first breakup too. I thought everything was going gung-ho and then bam, she informs me she wants to break up with me out of the blue. It took me a long time to get over that. Damn man. Breakups are always harder to those who are more in love. Always.
> 
> My best advice is ... get yourself back on your feet. And then allow yourself to cry and grieve. Because that's what it is: a breakup is the death of something. Something metaphorical, perhaps, but something there nonetheless.


I've done some crying and grieving already. Now I'm just trying to piece things together and figure out what to do next.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

Fleetfoot said:


> I'm really sorry to hear that.
> 
> It seems that you are dealing with it rather well, and that's always a start. Just stay focused on the future and know how much opportunity there is for you in it.


I am bereft, at best. I am lost. I will find something new. I don't like giving up on someone. I don't believe in the "no-win scenario."


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## netfences (Feb 18, 2015)

tanstaafl28
I don't know anything more disorienting than a divorce and the later it is, the more devastating it is but here is what you did right:

1. You got the legal stuff out the way quickly. There is nothing worse to prevent closure than a lingering process instigated by some parasite attorneys.
2. You avoided the acrimony from protracted discussions on the matter. Love is a bilateral thing so when one side isn't into it anymore there is nothing to discuss.
3. You had a good run. Not too many marriages today make it that far so you obviously know how to be a good husband. This will be noted when you start dating again.

Here are some things NOT to do:
1. Don't dwell in the past. It's perfectly fine to keep memories but you have been given a new framework to live in so do.
2. Don't be bitter. Avoid sniping comments at her and don't get irritated by hurtful or stupid shit she might say to you. If it hurts, walk away until it doesn't.
3. Be cordial but don't be a sap. Many times when a relationship ends, one partner tries to dominate the other by burdening them with special requests. Be wary of this.

Other than what I've stated above, all I can say is you have my sympathy and my assurance that brighter days will come. You just have to let them happen.


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## bluekitdon (Dec 19, 2012)

tanstaafl28 said:


> I'll regret it then. Signed the papers, took a settlement, no court.


Ah well then another lesson I've learned is not to dwell too much on what might have been. It is what it is hopefully you're happy with the settlement. Good luck. Moving near family if you don't have any kids might be a good option at this point then. Just do what it takes to take care of yourself.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

bluekitdon said:


> Ah well then another lesson I've learned is not to dwell too much on what might have been. It is what it is hopefully you're happy with the settlement. Good luck. Moving near family if you don't have any kids might be a good option at this point then. Just do what it takes to take care of yourself.


I'm not completely ready to give up on the marriage yet. Once I am certain I've tried everything I can, I'll move on.


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## bluekitdon (Dec 19, 2012)

tanstaafl28 said:


> I'm not completely ready to give up on the marriage yet. Once I am certain I've tried everything I can, I'll move on.


Well, hopefully you can recover it. Just realize it takes two people to make a relationship work, if one person isn't willing to put in the effort it won't happen, especially with another person in the picture. I went through that phase as well during my divorce, in the beginning I wanted to do everything possible to recover the marriage, but by the end I realized that I didn't really want that.


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## drmiller100 (Dec 3, 2011)

tanstaafl28 said:


> I'm not completely ready to give up on the marriage yet. Once I am certain I've tried everything I can, I'll move on.


Love ya buddy...........

The 5 Stages of Loss and Grief | Psych Central


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## googoodoll (Oct 20, 2013)

I read ''my wonderful marriage of 15'' lol i was about to write a novel of a response to how wrong that is.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

googoodoll said:


> I read ''my wonderful marriage of 15'' lol i was about to write a novel of a response to how wrong that is.


Write away. It was very wonderful. There was magic involved. I wish I knew how to get back there.


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## googoodoll (Oct 20, 2013)

tanstaafl28 said:


> Write away. It was very wonderful. There was magic involved. I wish I knew how to get back there. Maybe I can, maybe I can't. I intend to find out.


nah i meant i thought you were 15


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

googoodoll said:


> nah i meant i thought you were 15


15 x 3 this June.


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## jamaix (Sep 20, 2013)

I haven't interacted with you a whole lot on PerC, but I have read many of your post comments. One thing that always stood out to me was how loving and respectfully you always spoke of your wife. I remember thinking what a lucky lady she was to have someone in her life who held her in such high regard. How wonderful it must be to be loved like that.

I wish I had some great, wonderful comforting comments to make, comments that would ease your pain. It makes me hurt to even think of what you have been going through. Telling you that I am sorry to read about this seems so inadequate. Please don't think that your words in the past on relationships are meaningless. As is evident by many comments made on this thread, you impressed many with your ability to love greatly. Often made me reflect upon my relationship with my husband.

I am sorry that things have turned out this way for you.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

drmiller100 said:


> Love ya buddy...........
> 
> The 5 Stages of Loss and Grief | Psych Central


Maybe I'm in denial, but I don't want to deny it!


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

jamaix said:


> I haven't interacted with you a whole lot on PerC, but I have read many of your post comments. One thing that always stood out to me was how loving and respectfully you always spoke of your wife. I remember thinking what a lucky lady she was to have someone in her life who held her in such high regard. How wonderful it must be to be loved like that.
> 
> I wish I had some great, wonderful comforting comments to make, comments that would ease your pain. It makes me hurt to even think of what you have been going through. Telling you that I am sorry to read about this seems so inadequate. Please don't think that your words in the past on relationships are meaningless. As is evident by many comments made on this thread, you impressed many with your ability to love greatly. Often made me reflect upon my relationship with my husband.
> 
> I am sorry that things have turned out this way for you.


Ironic fact: my ex is an ISTJ.


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## Emerald Legend (Jul 13, 2010)

What do you mean by "She stepped out"?
She cheated? That bitch..


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

Holding you, I held everything
For a moment wasn't I a king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say? You know I might have changed it all

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

It's my life, it's better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

Still struggling. I start to move forwards and I then I fall back.


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## Jennywocky (Aug 7, 2009)

Yeah, I'm really sorry to hear this. I saw your blog post the other day but did not have time to respond. [I just saw this thread, so really didn't read much here yet.]

Honestly, if you're having trouble... dear god, of course you are! Everything happened so fast for you.  

(For me, I was separated at 15 years and divorced at 21 years, and we were struggling for some years over the issue that broke us apart... so I had a lot of time to emotionaly prepare... and I would say that even now I still do miss the marriage, and occasionally feel anger over some things, and other times I still mourn the loss of the relationship after all that was invested.)

You've had what... a month? You are essentially processing a death. I remember being shocked reading your blog post that you could have had a divorce go through within a month, considering my own divorce (in Pennsylvania) took about 20 months to process, and usually would at best taken about a year. YOu have had no time to work through the emotions of your ex cheating and wanting a divorce, let alone the divorce going through, and your entire living situation has changed. Even aside from the relational aspects, your day-to-day has changed immensely, and the system shock can be immense.

I wouldn't be surprised if you did feel more range of emotion later. It's okay if you do. Ti folks often can be detached enough to be able to process emotional situations mentally, without focusing as much on the personal feelings; but it's possible to be blindsided at times when you don't expect it. Just wanted to affirm that it's normal if and when it happens, and that you can't expect to be over things so quickly even if mentally you can think your way through it. You will likely be dealing with aspects of this for some time to come, it's a process.


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## hksfdgknsjbdklrafbku (Jan 2, 2015)

tanstaafl28 said:


> Still struggling. I start to move forwards and I then I fall back.


Did you move east yet?


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

pearslug said:


> Did you move east yet?


No, I am letting things settle as they are while I explore job opportunities. I have an apartment close to my current job.


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## hksfdgknsjbdklrafbku (Jan 2, 2015)

tanstaafl28 said:


> No, I am letting things settle as they are while I explore job opportunities. I have an apartment close to my current job.


Oh that sounds ok, are struggling emotionally or with the job searching?


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## VinnieBob (Mar 24, 2014)

tanstaafl28 said:


> I'm pretty sure I'm not going to be saving my ex-wife anytime soon. She has to save herself from herself. It is beyond my capabilities.


nothing is beyond our capability we are INTJ
but then again the female mind is the one thing no male INTJ has figured out yet
:laughing:


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

Vinniebob said:


> nothing is beyond our capability we are INTJ
> but then again the female mind is the one thing no male INTJ has figured out yet
> :laughing:


I'm an ENTP and my ex-wife is a very stubborn ISTJ.


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## VinnieBob (Mar 24, 2014)

tanstaafl28 said:


> I'm an ENTP and my ex-wife is a very stubborn ISTJ.


our types are very similar
i have talked to INTJ grand master stephen hawking and he is willing to make you a honorary INTJ


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

Vinniebob said:


> our types are very similar
> i have talked to INTJ grand master stephen hawking and he is willing to make you a honorary INTJ



That's way cool!


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## VinnieBob (Mar 24, 2014)

tanstaafl28 said:


> That's way cool!


i, a representative of grand master s.h bestow thee as INTJ
by the super powers vested in me
make it so


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

Vinniebob said:


> i, a representative of grand master s.h bestow thee as INTJ
> by the super powers vested in me
> make it so


In my Sig File.


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## Purrfessor (Jul 30, 2013)

Whoaaaaa half ENTP half INTJ --- I think the scariest super villain has just been created.


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## yentipeee (Jun 19, 2013)

@*tanstaafl28*

I'm sorry for your loss. I noticed that you're very spiritual, I can relate to that even though ENTPs are not thought of that way. We must be around the same age. My wife died very young, I sometimes wonder which is worse, death or divorce. At least I have nothing but good memories of her.


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