# Desperate for Connection



## thehigher (Apr 20, 2009)

So .... what do you do when you are desperate for connection.... with people. I'll ask more questions the more you answer.


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## walkawaysun09 (Mar 13, 2010)

I find new avenues to find people. For me, that means online, considering the places to go or do things to meet "new" people in this town are limited to the bar...and maybe the college. Small town, you already know what's out there for friends/etc if you're feeling like you don't have anyone (only if you've lived here a long time do you ever know things like that) due to so few moving in.

Though...for me if I'm starving for connection I'll just talk to friends I haven't in a while because they are pricks, simply so that I can talk to people.


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## Kitten (Mar 28, 2010)

Like Walkawaysun, I too, seek out new places to find people. (often online) :3 Or, I just converse with old friends that I haven't really actually talked to for a while. I can't stand losing touch with people I care about, especially when it's from lack of time! ^^;; 

It's strange, but often times, to make myself feel more "connected", I also just observe people, not directly interact with them... it may seem kind of creepy, but I enjoy looking at the Personal Info pages of people I know on Facebook that I may not necessarily even be friends with. And even outside of Facebook, I enjoy looking at EVERYBODY'S online profiles, even if they're people I may never get to talk to. I just want to know more about people. Know more people that exist in the world. I want to soak everything in! ^^ (...That, and I'm probably a creeper. :tongue


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## Atenza Coltheart (Apr 19, 2010)

Both Kitten and Walkawaysun practically took the words out of my mouth. I go everywhere online and offline and just start randomly talking to people, seeking new people and looking up sites that are I guess in my relative knowledge. 

That or I just PM people on random sites asking to know them and stuff... I think it gets annoying at times but, hey, it works. XD


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## 68Borderlander (May 10, 2010)

Atenza Coltheart said:


> Both Kitten and Walkawaysun practically took the words out of my mouth. I go everywhere online and offline and just start randomly talking to people, seeking new people and looking up sites that are I guess in my relative knowledge.
> 
> That or I just PM people on random sites asking to know them and stuff... I think it gets annoying at times but, hey, it works. XD


 

As an INFJ I wont (most of the time) just strike up a conversation with random people because I can see it either annoys them or freaks them out. As for online, I have met some very interesting people online while playing games and for a while that seems to help. However, spending too much time online and not connecting with warm bodied humans can cause a serious degradation of your mind, body and soul.

As for re-connecting with old friends, I just recently re-joined a social group (middle ages re-enactment). I left that group for a number of reasons but I missed the people too much and even though the friendships are not as close as I want them to be it does help.

But, thehigher, I feel your pain (really I do) because I have been living by myself for nine years now (not counting cats and we wont go there). Ive come into contact with too many NTs to just leave the future up to chance, my soul just cant take it. I would love to find an NF female to share life with. I would love to find someone that can empathize the way I do. To know without asking.

Borderlander


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## Female INFJ (Feb 27, 2010)

thehigher said:


> So .... what do you do when you are desperate for connection.... with people. I'll ask more questions the more you answer.



hi *thehigher* - if i need to connect i would contact everyone i know, friends and family and make plans to spend time with them. i would even for variety perhaps try to connect with people i don't know (i like the surprise element when connecting with other people) so i would talk to someone i don't really know - like perhaps someone on PerC. or just try to post a few messages, or spend time replying to my PMs. 

sometimes i would introspect, and find out what it is i actually want - and try to fulfill whatever is lacking in my life, myself, as i have seen that people i find cannot be relied upon, often when i need them, they are never there. so i would say i no longer get into "desperate for connection" mode.

fortunately my desires to connect have changed, so i don't really require connection any longer. if it is there it is, if it isn't it doesn't affect me either  hope this answers your question a bit? have you done something desperate? just curious about the cause of the question...


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## thehigher (Apr 20, 2009)

Female INFJ said:


> hi *thehigher* - if i need to connect i would contact everyone i know, friends and family and make plans to spend time with them. i would even for variety perhaps try to connect with people i don't know (i like the surprise element when connecting with other people) so i would talk to someone i don't really know - like perhaps someone on PerC. or just try to post a few messages, or spend time replying to my PMs.
> 
> sometimes i would introspect, and find out what it is i actually want - and try to fulfill whatever is lacking in my life, myself, as i have seen that people i find cannot be relied upon, often when i need them, they are never there. so i would say i no longer get into "desperate for connection" mode.
> 
> fortunately my desires to connect have changed, so i don't really require connection any longer. if it is there it is, if it isn't it doesn't affect me either  hope this answers your question a bit? have you done something desperate? just curious about the cause of the question...


I see. Hmm... I haven't really done anything desperate other than being personalitycafe a crap load. I mean ... obviously to kind of escape reality in a way.


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## susurration (Oct 22, 2009)

thehigher said:


> So .... what do you do when you are desperate for connection.... with people. I'll ask more questions the more you answer.


When this happens, I have to clarify some things with myself.

I ask myself- what exactly do I want? (because more than often _I know_, but I _don't know_ at, at the same time). It takes a long time to figure this out. I mean "what do I want?" in the sense of; what do I mean by a 'connection'?, what kind of connection am I after?, and why do I want it? what do I want from it? who do I want it from? when do I want it? 

Then I start evaluating. Do I really want this, or is it something else i'm after? is something clouding my judgement here? is what I want realistically possible? is what I want something i'm willing to pursue? 

Then I take this information and start thinking of how I can set in motion what I want. More than often, I look to my past to see what works and what doesn't. 

-----
What has 'worked' for me?

Writing people I know and 'love' but feel detached from, or not close enough too a gratitude letter. Or a letter of complete and utter honesty. I've done this with a few times, and even the act of giving it to them, seemed to foster a strong bond in my mind.

Hanging out with animals or children. Sounds lame. But it has worked for me. I tend to bond physically, much like animals. I've volunteered at a dog shelter thing, and looking after dogs (who love physical affection) never failed to put a smile on my face and make me feel connected to something. Same goes for children. Some are so open to bonding. 'Old' people are probably the best and coolest people to approach when it comes to finding others who are super keen to connect and are receptive to bonding. 

Peer mentoring. I do this activity every week in my psych class, where we do 'equal peer mentoring'. If you can find someone who you believe you can mentor (and hopefully who would be willing to mentor you as well, to increase the benefits) it's unbelievably beneficial, especially if you are like me and don't have many close relationships. 

I haven't done this in a long time, but swapping diaries with someone. I don't think I need to explain this one  it's just sometimes I come on here... and I don't find the raw honesty I want. A diary, or a completely raw and honest conversation are the closest I think I could ever come to what I want from a connection. Additionally, I love online blogs for this reason. I don't like blogs that are in blog format. I couldn't care, really. I like stream of consciousness blogs that are really honest, regardless of how irrational they may seem. I used to go on livejournal often for this reason. 

I'll come back if I can think of more.


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## Quin Sabe (Jan 26, 2010)

Honestly, when I really get desperate for just someone, they always end up coming to me. Typically it is through the internet, I'll just randomly get message when I'm feeling really, really down and I 'll reply and talk. In real life, I think people have come to me before I really need them, and just transition the period, but they always seem to disappear after awhile.


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## MyAlterEgo (May 17, 2010)

Sometimes I go online, call old friends or go to cafe

Actually, for quite a while, I used to go to cafes just to sit there and stare at people walking in the street, but I had to quit going there because of the smoking people (its traditional arabic cafes)
Going out with old friends usually is what do the trick for me, going online to contact strangers is not bad, but sometimes it just leave that feeling of emptiness in me after it, if you know what I mean


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## Female INFJ (Feb 27, 2010)

Quin Sabe said:


> Honestly, when I really get desperate for just someone, they always end up coming to me. Typically it is through the internet, I'll just randomly get message when I'm feeling really, really down and I 'll reply and talk. In real life, I think people have come to me before I really need them, and just transition the period, but they always seem to disappear after awhile.


*Quin Sabe *- what is it about ENTP that attracts so much company. i imagine you don't have the loneliness issue? may i ask are you around 30? or are you in school still? ENTPs say that people are drawn to them, what is the draw about? PM me if you like or write in here, as it may relate to the thread subject, and assist others. maybe i can get some pointers on how to attract people to me, so that i don't have to reach out 



thehigher said:


> I see. Hmm... I haven't really done anything desperate other than being personalitycafe a crap load. I mean ... obviously to kind of escape reality in a way.


hi *thehigher* - how is your day? well what do you mean by escape from reality? oh, i will be looking for the book you recommended, as i think i experienced a slice of the "eternal orgasm" last night. you mentioned this topic, in small detail in relation to the book written by robert moore you recommended. i plan to write about this...well but to explain further as it is somewhat related "desperate for connection" feelings have now been resolved for me, through spiritual practice, i have now gotten into a higher level, where my thoughts of needs still exist, however the attachment to these desires are destroyed, i don't feel anything, not positive or negative, and certainly not attachment, so i think my loneliness issue is resolved for good. i intend on writing about the experience. but thought to mention. 

i guess my point is desire for connection is ok, but if it goes unfulfilled, if there is too much attachment, that can be detrimental, and take a persons mind into a negative place. if they are pursuing spiritual paths. so what are you escaping from?


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## Quin Sabe (Jan 26, 2010)

Female INFJ said:


> *Quin Sabe *- what is it about ENTP that attracts so much company. i imagine you don't have the loneliness issue? may i ask are you around 30? or are you in school still? ENTPs say that people are drawn to them, what is the draw about? PM me if you like or write in here, as it may relate to the thread subject, and assist others. maybe i can get some pointers on how to attract people to me, so that i don't have to reach out


Well, I do (/did maybe) have problem with loneliness, but I'm fairly certain it is more environmental than anything. I'm 19 and just started college this past fall. I wish I could be of more help with attraction thing, but I'm not sure how I do it either. I made post about in the type 9 forum, since nines are trademarked for a social draw to them as well. It is something that is definitely there. The most I really do to start a friendship is just show some interest and talk to them then it just grows from there, if I do any thing at all. It could just be that I don't look at making friends and people like me. The statical pool I'm using or looking at may just be littered with those who stood out and came to me, vs. the ones who just came and went without speaking. Sorta like wearing rose colored glasses. But, then again there are instances that are almost completely random. The only downside is that they typically come and go, I end up with a lot of acquaintances or near misses at a friendship. Very few actually stick around, I doubt I live up to the ENTP trademark for this since it seems almost like people get bored with me, before I, with them. I'm very interested in seeing how this goes when I move out, lol


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## thehigher (Apr 20, 2009)

Female INFJ said:


> hi *thehigher* - how is your day? well what do you mean by escape from reality? oh, i will be looking for the book you recommended, as i think i experienced a slice of the "eternal orgasm" last night. you mentioned this topic, in small detail in relation to the book written by robert moore you recommended. i plan to write about this...well but to explain further as it is somewhat related "desperate for connection" feelings have now been resolved for me, through spiritual practice, i have now gotten into a higher level, where my thoughts of needs still exist, however the attachment to these desires are destroyed, i don't feel anything, not positive or negative, and certainly not attachment, so i think my loneliness issue is resolved for good. i intend on writing about the experience. but thought to mention.
> 
> i guess my point is desire for connection is ok, but if it goes unfulfilled, if there is too much attachment, that can be detrimental, and take a persons mind into a negative place. if they are pursuing spiritual paths. so what are you escaping from?


It's been good. Nice alone time along with nice human contact. Oh good. I don't buy into everything it says... but I think it has some pretty good insights. You plan to write about it? And ... oddly enough.... the desperation for connection is fullfilled by me having alone time and brief periods of being around others whom I deeply care about. The only time when I am desperate is when I am surrounded by people that I do NOT connect with and I can't escape.


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## Quin Sabe (Jan 26, 2010)

Ok, I just notice and have to ask what is a/the eternal orgasm?

Just a extreme sense of well being stemming from the core of your body? Shalom?


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## thehigher (Apr 20, 2009)

Quin Sabe said:


> Ok, I just notice and have to ask what is a/the eternal orgasm?
> 
> Just a extreme sense of well being stemming from the core of your body? Shalom?


It's not literally an enternal orgasm. It's a way of expressing what NF's are looking for... a never ending state of joy. Not quite what you hoped for lol xD


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## Quin Sabe (Jan 26, 2010)

thehigher said:


> It's not literally an enternal orgasm. It's a way of expressing what NF's are looking for... a never ending state of joy. Not quite what you hoped for lol xD


Nope not quite but it is a interesting concept and term, lol Thanks for sharing.


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