# Infp and Infj conflicts



## FearAndTrembling

WhateverLolaWants said:


> My only conflict with INFJs is that they look like they smell bad. And they usually do.
> 
> 
> They talk about you as well. And I bet you wish you fit in more.
> 
> You're projecting your insecurity onto this INFP. You relate to them so somehow feel it is reflecting onto you. Otherwise, you wouldn't care about his so-called weaknesses. At all.
> 
> "I see him as a project almost"
> "He doesn't realize what a knife's edge we are on, and how hard I quietly work to maintain our peace of mind, and protect both of us."
> 
> ^^^This is straight up mental health issues.
> 
> You're not protecting anyone. Detach yourself from this person.


No, they don't talk about me. As I am competent, and there is nothing to talk about. I don't give them anything. You don't know anything about the situation. 

No, I don't want to fit in more. That is the last thing I want. I like being remote. It's he who is trying to fit in, and making a fool of himself in the process. And it drives my Fe crazy. 

What mental health issues are you referring to? If you think the world is crafted for the INF personalities, then you haven't had much success. When you get in the real world, you realize it is a shark tank, and nobody cares about you.


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## Sangmu

FearAndTrembling said:


> No, they don't talk about me. As I am competent, and there is nothing to talk about. I don't give them anything. You don't know anything about the situation.
> 
> No, I don't want to fit in more. That is the last thing I want. I like being remote. It's he who is trying to fit in, and making a fool of himself in the process. And it drives my Fe crazy.
> 
> What mental health issues are you referring to? If you think the world is crafted for the INF personalities, then you haven't had much success. When you get in the real world, you realize it is a shark tank, and nobody cares about you.


He will prevail. And you will be surprised.

My INFJ "bestfriend" was constantly letting me know I was too fragile to do this, or making a fool of myself by doing that, shouldn't have acted like that, and "they said this about you".

In the end, I won people over - no matter what they initially said about me. She is the one alone and bitter. I am also on a better career track then her with wider connections. 

Sure. INFPs are whiney, vulnerable, and too kind. But they have strength and hidden resources that you can't fathom or are not sophisticated enough to observe.

And I promise you, they talk about you too. You just don't know because - like your INFP collegue, you weren't there at the time.


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## Angina Jolie

I have a good INFJ acquiantance (at least judging from her participation on an INFJ facebook group) and I can sort of agree that at least this INFJ seems to have trouble with listening. My assumption is that they listen, but what they hear is mostly details from your speech and they might stop listening at something you say that they have a desire to dwell deeper into. 
But I have an INFP/INTP hybrid friend who is the same though. When the 3 of us are together (the INFJ, INFP/INTP hybrid and the INFP me), I become rather silent. Not because I want to, but because there's just no space for me to say anything. If I want to say something longer, I will be cut down in the second sentence, because those 2 will have something more important to add about the first sentence I said. I can barely ever communicate a whole idea to them. And they just can't stop talking. IT'S FRUSTRATING 
But don't get me wrong. Otherwise the INFJ seems to be really lovely, darn smart and focused, funny, cool and awesome. Though, when I found out she's an INFJ, I was surprised. My first INFJ that I know of and I had built a different image of you guys in my mind.


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## curiositykillsme

My ex was an Infp athiest who needed physical intimacy and I was s Christian virgin.. years of trying to "come to common ground" lead to me compromising my values and him cheating. Absolutely horrible.. So It would be VALUES both types feel extremely protective of them!


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## TuesdaysChild

curiositykillsme said:


> My ex was an Infp athiest who needed physical intimacy and I was s Christian virgin.. years of trying to "come to common ground" lead to me compromising my values and him cheating. Absolutely horrible.. So It would be VALUES both types feel extremely protective of them!


That's not really an INFP/INFJ conflict. The situation you're describing is going to play out the same way between any two types where one is trying to hold to traditional Christian values and the other isn't. The same thing happened to me when I was younger and convinced myself that a partner doesn't have to share my beliefs as long as they don't mind me having mine. But I eventually found out what had actually been written on the pages I professed to believe in all along - don't be unequally yoked. Not because the other person is bad and not because it makes you bad for doing it and not because Christ just wanted to be a fuddy duddy and give a bunch of rules, but because you will fall if you do. The other person won't fall, you will. Because you, with all your flaws and shortcomings, are *trying* (emphasis on the trying) to walk a tighter rope than the other person.

But anywho, I had to learn that one the hard way myself. That's what's so awesome about grace 

Good luck!


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## infpheart

your avatar picture funny lol!


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## Aizar

For INFPs claiming INFJs are the self-righteous ones, there's a lot of pretty nasty INFJ bashing on this thread...

I've had two INFPs I've had conflict with (not counting a couple one-offs with people on these forums). The biggest problem I had with them is they'd assume they knew what I was thinking (usually some nasty motivation they thought I had due to a "gut feeling"), act to try and get me to stop thinking whatever they thought I was thinking, then invariably get upset when their actions did nothing but...well, make their own mudhole...because I was not and had never been thinking whatever they thought I was thinking. 

Now that I think of it, though, I've had a IxTJ do a similar thing, so I'm not sure it's an INFP problem. Personally I think it's more to do with each of them (IxTJ included) priding themselves on being people-readers, who then let their own insecurities and need-to-be-in-control take them over while they were tying to figure out complex little ol' me out.

In conclusion? Mind reading = bad. Trying to control another person = bad. Do either to this INFJ habitually = don't be surprised if you get an INFJ doorslam out of it.


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## rosered89

The main issue as an INFJ that i have had with the xNFPs in general has been due to my perception of them as being flighty. Maturity tends to smooth these rough edges in the relationship. Instead of resenting the perceivers for who they are both NFJs should accept the xNFPs and take the "responsible" role in the relationship, we are the Js, we are the anal ones, and to better the relationship we should stop trying to make the NFPs more responsible. A good relationship does not equal a conflict-free relationships. What i like about the INFP in particular is the depth of their Fi and their openness. The INFJ should let the INFP lighten them up a little, and the INFP should let the INFJ ground them a little more without taking things as negative criticism so much or seeing us as controlling. This is why i would prefer ENFPs much better as a friend or romantic partner, but i still adore the depth of the INFP, perhaps because i am an enneagram 4.


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## Bobagsp

Wow, I would have never imagined that INFJs and INFPs had so many conflicts! My very best friend is an INFP, we've known each other for about 10 years now. Through our relationship grown a lot; he has learned to be more discerning, realistic, responsible, and less weird (lol, jk, he's weirder now). I have learned to be more patient, open-minded, giving, encouraging, and less weird (hah, got you again, my weirdness only grows stronger). We share absolutely everything with each other, mostly thanks to him sharing it first. Basically what I'm saying is, although we view life quite differently most of the time it only makes us grow more mature and I couldn't ask for a better friend, I love that guy like a brother.

A message to the INFPs from an INFJ, you guys really are great, don't change who you are =:3


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## Summery

StElmosDream said:


> What I call 'black box syndrome.' Being able to read Fi fairly easy but rarely being readable unless mutual trust and deeper sharing is assured, then again I don't see this so much as a Fi-Fe barrier more a case of self awareness and empathetic inconsistencies as a result of how people mature emotionally and what their view on life as a whole is(glass half full or half empty etc) with some INFP not being well versed understanding others until later in life.


Exactly. I must say, I've experienced the black-box thing a lot with ENFJ's. I can read them. But INFJ's and ENFJ's are the only persons with whom I can't just get into there heads. But maybe that's just a part of the attraction. Because it just doesn't happen often to me I "just don't get it anymore'' and that drives me nuts. I'm so interested at sussing out people-chore-characters they become my new study-object. I get totally captivated and fascinated by them, and they by me, the feelings complicate more, and more and more... 
When my ESFP-best-friends and her ISFJ-love-interested were dating it was just normal: A -> B -> C-> Relationship. 
When NFJ NFP are in love with each other it causes a big: FLIPFLOPPY- What-the-hell-is-going-on-!!!-huge-lettersoup-mess-on-the-floor.
You guys are very frustrating sometimes. But I can't deny it, that's why I like off you.  That alien-complexity makes my N go captivated.


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## Khiro

My issue with INFPs is that they don't resolve conflict through understanding. If someone can explain why they've done something I don't like I'll probably accept it as an apology. I don't believe INFPs tend to feel the same way. It looks to me as though they believe an explanation for behaviour is irrelevant because the behaviour is inherently good or bad and simply should or should not be performed. I think then that for them resolution can only come if the damage is undone, so if the person isn't able to do that or doesn't seem inclined to do that the transgression remains and thus the person is still deserving of blame. 

So the arguments go on and on because the INFJs attempt to explain themselves, which seems more to the INFPs like making excuses than attempting to resolve the problem, and the INFPs don't explain themselves thoroughly enough for the INFJs to perceive their attempts at conflict resolution as anything more than attacks. Bitterness ensues.


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## rosered89

Aizar said:


> I've had two INFPs I've had conflict with (not counting a couple one-offs with people on these forums). The biggest problem I had with them is they'd assume they knew what I was thinking (usually some nasty motivation they thought I had due to a "gut feeling")


Usually some Fi users perceive the Fe user as suspicious or having an agenda, especially those whose Fi is tertiary or inferior, such as the INTJ/ENTJ. Sometimes they even make negative judgments against our character because they perceive our Fe as "fake", they don't understand it very well, i can pinpoint when a person is using Fe manipulatively/overcompensating or when they are being genuinely nice to someone they like and just wearing their feelings for that person on their sleeve. I don't think this is a talent Fi users who are either immature or not developed enough have. In this regard Fi users can sometimes come across as ethically uppity, i admit. I think before embarking in any romantic relationship with an Fi user, take heed of their stage of development/emotional maturity and avoid yourself some pain in the butt.

I dated an INTJ for 3 years, his paranoia about my intentions never allowed us to enjoy great intimacy, i got fed up and left him one day, he was starting to show some effort (perhaps because he noticed me distancing from him emotionally, i stopped being attentive), he kept trying to reason with me to not throw away our relationship of 3 years, but i had to tell him frankly, i didn't know what relationship he was talking about, since mostly it had been a one way street for me.


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## Sweetness394

Okay so although I do like hearing actual criticism of INFJs (because unlike some of these posts suggest I prefer and enjoy suggestions/CONSTRUCTIVE criticism) some of these things are not dependent on a person being an INFJ. I'm not some pompous know it all who can't listen to anything outside her head. In fact most of the things that have been said about INFJs don't apply to me or the INFJs that I surround myself with. I'm very sure this can be some INFJs but that is due to factors other than their type (like maturity level, upbringing). I will say: it is natural for me to get excited about something and leave the other person in the dust so that they can't finish their statement. Thankfully my mother popped me in the mouth for that a lot as a kid.

If we are talking about Type conflict can we actually keep it at that? Confusing character traits and type is dangerous and leads to false conclusions (which is why I feel so hard for ESTx's on this site). INFPs aren't people I tend to have conflict with--at least not because of their type. I have a good INTP friend who was the closest person to me in college. I think you guys are awesome.


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## idleeve

I am INFP/J, teetering between Percieving and Judging but usually leaning slightly towards the Percieving side. So I get both sides of the argument. 

My boyfriend is also an INFJ, we get along pretty well for the most part. There are things about him which are different from me and we disagree sometimes. But that's just life isn't it? You cant expect everyone to be exactly the same as you, you can't expect no conflict. I can see that INFP's do sometimes expect perfect relationships but thats not realistic. You kind of need to figure out how to get along with everyone and interact with them on their own level. 
It seems like this is a forum for people to bash each other and point out personality flaws. You can't expect your INFJ friend to act like less of an INFJ.. because he is an INFJ. Thats just how he is? You cant expect him to be your perfect version of him because he's not you. You should expect to disagree with others. 

The world is made up of many personalities that create balance, you can't be mad at someone for being themselves. We INFJs and INFPs are so rare that we should value each other, be grateful to find someone that is actually on the same page as us. No one is perfect and you need to accept that.


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## littlebirdx

@OrangeAppled These INFJs sound a bit unhealthy, sadly.


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## littlebirdx

Vivid Melody said:


> *Too many absolutes going on in here in my opinion. *I feel like a lot of stuff mentioned are character traits rather than personality traits. I'll try to express the problems I run into with the two INFP's I know that I think are INFP related I guess. *Also, these two INFP's are core 9's so the stuff I mention could have more to do with that.*


Yes, I think you're on to something here. Let me try to elaborate. As for that bit I italicized - I feel exactly the same way.



Vivid Melody said:


> So I have an INFP brother and my INFJ husband and I have an INFP friend. It can just be hard to make plans with them because they're always wanting to keep their options open I guess? *Sometimes I feel like I make plans with my brother and he doesn't take it seriously.*... See, but that is an individual thing. *And I would say this is also more of a type 9 thing in that they both have trouble asserting themselves and being direct. I don't care if you don't want to do something with us. Just let me know in advance so I don't form plans around you kind of thing.* It just hurts more when we planned to do something and it falls through because something else with some other person comes up and seems more important? I know my brother to be a kind person but I think it's just that he's not always considerate...if that makes any sense?


As far as things falling through and others seeming more important, well... that's a tough call. I can't say because I don't know the details or how much this has occurred, but I would be hurt as well. What may be going on here:

-Him having plans that are too open-ended, which then hurts you. I can be very good at suggesting open-ended plans, especially with people. Unless it's set in stone and/or of work related importance, (like, *"red flag, this is REALLY important to me/someone else"* important,) I've been known to simply forget about things until it's almost too late to rectify and make plans last-minute. It's something I hate about myself and am working on, with a little help from my awesome xxxJ friends.

-He may not see that he's being inconsiderate if he's a core 9. Or he may be seeing it and "sweeping it under the rug" because he doesn't know how to deal with the negative feelings this evokes in him. This, unfortunately, with an INFP that isn't willing to be open emotionally and objectively use their Si/Te on themselves, can be very difficult to address.



Vivid Melody said:


> *So I guess in general? Being wishy washy with stuff. *Sometimes I just wish they would _stick to a decision._ Not just for me but for them too. So they don't wind up regretting it later kind of thing because I want them to be happy.


I think that this is partially an INFP thing, but it's influenced quite a bit by being a core 9. I'm a 495. When I'm "healthiest," I can be wishy washy, but only until I make my decision. Once it's made and I commit myself to something/someone, I will do everything I can to follow through fully, even if I don't want to. I may sound wishy washy initially, but my commitment is there. It's about them, and ultimately not about me, which in the end, makes me happiest.



Vivid Melody said:


> *My brother also seems to have a very hard time expressing his feelings to others but I know he's an emotional person.* I'm just such a nosy/curious person that I'm always asking him questions and wanting to bond.* I feel like he doesn't know himself all that well despite being a dom Fi user. Either that or maybe he just doesn't want me to know things. *I have no idea. Once again, I just wish I _knew_ either way so I could find a way to accept it. I just want to know where I stand if that makes sense. It's just so hard to know with them sometimes and then out of the blue they'll be like "I love you" when they never say such things and it's like..."really?" Wow. I had no idea


Again, it sounds like a mix of unbalanced INFP and unhealthy core 9 traits. But even healthy INFPs can be very stoic/guarded externally unless you know them really, really well. We can have a well-developed "INTJ" mask to present to the world. To a certain degree I do this intentionally, even with people I'm close to. And not because I'm being delusive. *To openly express how I'm feeling in person is akin to spilling out the entire contents of my soul.* It takes a LOT of trust for me to get to that place, and tbh, that's because most people don't like what they see. They think they know what they're asking for, but they don't have a clue.... It's like prying into the depths of one's internal world. Also keep in mind that INFPs tend to express better in written form as opposed to verbal.

Yet again I'm going to bring up the core 9 thing. He really could be that aloof internally, but you're right, that's pretty out of character for an INFP. Speculation: He may not want you to know things, but it may be because he knows that telling you _will reveal what he's saying *to himself.*_ Hiding from you and being emotionally unavailable is a way of being indifferent and hiding from himself. Crazy, I know. But I did it for a number of years. Only when I was ready to be honest with myself was I able to open up to others.

If you're sure he's a core 9, take a look at the descriptions of a healthy & unhealthy 9, if you haven't already.
bit.ly/1oZ1hRm

Also, I'd encourage you to try to have a chat with him in person, one on one, about how his actions are affecting (effecting?) you. Don't get defensive and start blaming him, but express that you care and want to know him better... and kind of go from there? See how he responds. It could be that he cares a lot but struggles to communicate it.



Vivid Melody said:


> I do have an online INFP friend and she's actually not like that at all....(well it doesn't seem like it anyway). But she's a type 2. Maybe that has something to do with it? I have no idea.* I come to the conclusion that we really all do come in different flavors despite being the same type.*


Yes. You've hit the nail on the head.  It's kind of fascinating how much people can vary within types.

*tl;dr: Yes, there's a TON of variance within types. But the best way to know what's going on with your broski is to ask and try to have that conversation with him.*

Hoping this was somewhat useful to you, @_Vivid Melody_.


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## littlebirdx

SplitTheAtom said:


> But I have an INFP/INTP hybrid friend who is the same though. When the 3 of us are together (the INFJ, INFP/INTP hybrid and the INFP me), I become rather silent. Not because I want to, but because there's just no space for me to say anything. *If I want to say something longer, I will be cut down in the second sentence, because those 2 will have something more important to add about the first sentence I said. I can barely ever communicate a whole idea to them.* And they just can't stop talking. IT'S FRUSTRATING
> But don't get me wrong. Otherwise the INFJ seems to be really lovely, darn smart and focused, funny, cool and awesome. Though, when I found out she's an INFJ, I was surprised. My first INFJ that I know of and I had built a different image of you guys in my mind.


This. It's seriously the most frustrating thing, with any type, but with N-types in particular because they have some of _the greatest _ideas that I'd like to discuss with them, but they usually won't listen to me. haha.


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## Vivid Melody

@littlebirdx

I think it's this one - *"-He may not see that he's being inconsiderate if he's a core 9. Or he may be seeing it and "sweeping it under the rug" because he doesn't know how to deal with the negative feelings this evokes in him. This, unfortunately, with an INFP that isn't willing to be open emotionally and objectively use their Si/Te on themselves, can be very difficult to address."

*Definitely  I can tell when he's unsure about doing something when I ask him if he wants to do something so I press him further to see what he really wants to do so he doesn't feel like he has to commit to something he doesn't really want to commit to (at least, that's if the thing I'm asking him isn't actually important). 

*I think that this is partially an INFP thing, but it's influenced quite a bit by being a core 9. I'm a 495. When I'm "healthiest," I can be wishy washy, but only until I make my decision. Once it's made and I commit myself to something/someone, I will do everything I can to follow through fully, even if I don't want to. I may sound wishy washy initially, but my commitment is there. It's about them, and ultimately not about me, which in the end, makes me happiest.

*I've seen his desire to commit to certain things. I've seen him start off great only to get lazy in the middle and it all falls apart : / It's sad to watch because I want to believe in him and help him but he obviously has to want it for himself. I'm not even talking about things for other people here. These are things for himself. So perhaps it is also a self-esteem issue or something.

*Again, it sounds like a mix of unbalanced INFP and unhealthy core 9 traits. But even healthy INFPs can be very stoic/guarded externally unless you know them really, really well. We can have a well-developed "INTJ" mask to present to the world. To a certain degree I do this intentionally, even with people I'm close to. And not because I'm being delusive. **To openly express how I'm feeling in person is akin to spilling out the entire contents of my soul. It takes a LOT of trust for me to get to that place, and tbh, that's because most people don't like what they see. They think they know what they're asking for, but they don't have a clue.... It's like prying into the depths of one's internal world. 

*Being an INFJ, I can definitely understand that as well  I am selective about who I reveal myself to. Once again, I think it might come down to low self-esteem in his case because he knows I would understand. There's nothing he could tell me about himself that would surprise me. People's darkest secrets never really do and I just want to help them in anyway I can anyway so it's not like I would judge him. I have told him that. He takes it in but I'm not always going to get anything (especially when he's in a really unhealthy state). It's sad. I mean....that's when he's at the REALLY unhealthy levels. I sometimes wonder how open he is girlfriend (an ISTP) if he's that private. I do consider him and me close. 

*Also keep in mind that INFPs tend to express better in written form as opposed to verbal.

*That's very true. I tend to be the same way  I know I was able to connect better with my brother through IM'ing in the past. He would tell me things there that he would never verbalize in person. He was very open. I have experienced that with our ISFP friend as well (the one I thought was INFP). My INFJ husband finds that to be the case with my brother as well which is why he tries to utilize that these days - especially if it's a delicate topic. So I think that's a very good way of communicating for some people as it takes off the pressure though obviously, one shouldn't become completely dependent on it.

*Speculation: He may not want you to know things, but it may be because he knows that telling you *_*will reveal what he's saying **to himself. Hiding from you and being emotionally unavailable is a way of being indifferent and hiding from himself. Crazy, I know. But I did it for a number of years. Only when I was ready to be honest with myself was I able to open up to others.

*_I don't think that is crazy at all. I think that makes a lot of sense and is a very good point! 

*If you're sure he's a core 9, take a look at the descriptions of a healthy & unhealthy 9, if you haven't already.
bit.ly/1oZ1hRm

*Thanks  I plan on it. He tests as a type nine and I have read parts of The Wisdom of the Enneagram to him in the past (which he really liked and identified with). I still haven't gotten to the part in the book that is specially designated for type nines though. I am currently working on finishing it. It is a really helpful/enlightening book!

*Also, I'd encourage you to try to have a chat with him in person, one on one, about how his actions are affecting (effecting?) you. Don't get defensive and start blaming him, but express that you care and want to know him better... and kind of go from there? See how he responds. It could be that he cares a lot but struggles to communicate it.

*(I think it's affecting ) Or maybe I should chat with him in text more often again  since that seems to help  Yes, I think he does struggle to communicate that sometimes  Perhaps he is better at expressing it in other ways ....like through actions etc. which is what I've noticed in him  He is sweet.

And you are sweet for helping me here. I appreciate the time you took to write all that. All good points to think about


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## OrangeAppled

littlebirdx said:


> @_OrangeAppled_ These INFJs sound a bit unhealthy, sadly.


Yes, INFJs are either perfect saints or unhealthy.... except no. There are ugly, average traits in every type, and I believe they have finally been touched on for the INFJ in this thread.


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## noonia

as with a lot of J's: basically as a P, I get bothered with how J they can be. I want judgements to be more open-ended with room for adjustment, and my INFJ friends like to come to conclusions about things. they are usually willing to adjust their judgements/conclusions when they get more information or if they have different ideas about it later, and I absolutely appreciate that, but the thing that bugs me is when they express their conclusion like it's the final word on the subject when I feel like there's probably more to it. it's how they say it. really this is just a pet peeve, and not every J i know does it, but most of them do to some extent.

also sometimes I get my ears talked off on one particular subject that they are more interested than I am. when I get really sick of it i tune it out;; not that often, and sometimes they say the same things anyway so usually it doesn't seem like it's horrible to tune out. usually they can make it interesting to me/explain it well, which I really like, but sometimes it is too much. 

with some it feels like they aren't listening to me, and/or they'll jump in randomly with some exclamation about something entirely different when I'm talking. which can feel really not good/dismissive because I don't talk half as much/often as them and I listen to them talk all the time, and especially when i'm trying to talk about something important to me or that I'm nervous about saying. often it's like we don't know how to communicate with each other about things that are important or more personal or emotional, which makes me sad because I like them and I want us to be able to share things like that and be supportive of each other in that way. I think that's probably both me and them, and maybe we're both better at writing those kinds of things that speaking them? but even there it feels like we are hesitant/nervous to initiate that.


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## noonia

Khiro said:


> My issue with INFPs is that they don't resolve conflict through understanding. If someone can explain why they've done something I don't like I'll probably accept it as an apology. I don't believe INFPs tend to feel the same way. It looks to me as though they believe an explanation for behaviour is irrelevant because the behaviour is inherently good or bad and simply should or should not be performed. I think then that for them resolution can only come if the damage is undone, so if the person isn't able to do that or doesn't seem inclined to do that the transgression remains and thus the person is still deserving of blame.
> 
> So the arguments go on and on because the INFJs attempt to explain themselves, which seems more to the INFPs like making excuses than attempting to resolve the problem, and the INFPs don't explain themselves thoroughly enough for the INFJs to perceive their attempts at conflict resolution as anything more than attacks. Bitterness ensues.


I definitely see this having happened between me and INFJs, and also between other types and INFJs. I hold myself to the standard of things not being resolved unless the wrong is made right (through actions), and I kind of hold others to that standard too, so I can be sure they're being genuine, which is sometimes hard to just read from a person. of course it heavily depends on what else is in play in a given situation, and what your history is with a person and your level of trust with them. I guess the only way to get through it ok is to be willing to work hard to communicate clearly and understand each other until both parties feel better about it. it can be really difficult and feel awful, and I hate that.

thank you for talking about this, I feel like it's important.


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## vintage stardust

I had an INFJ friend once. We got along extremely well. We only ever had one conflict. We were on a high school tennis team and had to play doubles together. I wasn't very competitive (didn't care if we won that much) and she did care. My INFJ friend told other people this aggravated her and it hurt my feelings. She wasn't really talking badly about me. I think she was just frustrated. I told her how I felt and we talked it out...but that's the only conflict we ever had. I always told her things I wouldn't tell anyone else because I knew she would understand and I felt like I could trust her. She's one of the few people from High school I actually miss talking to....


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## A_Small_Potatos_Mind

One of my best friends is an INFP, but he does some things that are tremendously annoying. The whole concept of respecting someones time is completely non-existent with him. We've made some pretty important plans that he has flaked on, and not even bothered to call/answer his phone. This has happened on multiple occasions. Then he'll just make up an elaborate excuse as to why he couldn't make it. If he ever says I'll meet you at X time...I pretty much assume he'll make it an hour or two later. Dude is horrible with money as well. He makes a pretty decent salary and is consistently broke. The last issue, which isn't that big of a deal, is his idea of hanging out is staying in the house for pretty much... well, forever. We basically only leave when I come up with a "task" i.e. "I need to go get something to eat," or "I need to pick up this item." He always needs a reason to get out of the house. It's kind-of weird. 

Otherwise, he's a pretty awesome dude...as I sit and wait for him to come over, and he's already an hour and 40 minutes late.


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## EclecticAgenda

I'm really having a hard time being patient with a 23 year old INFP we've also taken in as a bit of a project. He infuriates me with his inability to take responsibility for ANY perceived wrongdoing because of his fear that it'll lead to a perception of him as inferior.

Naturally, it isn't until I start hearing this useless, time consuming, defensive arguments that do not help solve anything that I start to view him as less. And that's not totally fair, but fuck, I don't how to talk to this kid without making him spend 20 minutes explaining himself as if he knew all along whatever it is you're about to say.

The insecurity is too much for me sometimes and I wanna shake him and tell him to relax.

Can't make a single fucking joke about anything even remotely related to him or I get a really boring novel about why he did whatever it was he did.

I don't care. Please age 6 years tonight.


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## C. C. Scott

StElmosDream said:


> What I call 'black box syndrome.' Being able to read Fi fairly easy but rarely being readable unless mutual trust and deeper sharing is assured, then again I don't see this so much as a Fi-Fe barrier more a case of self awareness and empathetic inconsistencies as a result of how people mature emotionally and what their view on life as a whole is(glass half full or half empty etc) with some INFP not being well versed understanding others until later in life.


Holy crap this basically sums up what went wrong with both INFP's I've dated. I mean most INFP's captivate me, and I love their artistic view of the world... But they have a way of wrapping themselves around my heart. O.O

Trust has been an issue between me (INFJ) and INFP's, but I attribute this to me and my partner not being very mature at the time.

As friends I hold the INFP's I know very close to my heart, I just haven't been able to have a successful romantic experience with them... Yet. :wink:


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## Giga Blender

I haven't had any conflicts yet with my INFP girlfriend. What I can say is I feel that we both were very well developed before we met each other. She is very confident in her strengths and weaknesses and isn't ashamed to admit to them. I've undergone tremendous change and matured a lot in the past two years and gotten comfortable with who I am as well. She tells me that I'm confident in myself so I'll take her word for that. I admit to my flaws and am glad to work on them. We also make a point to talk online, not just in person, and our personas change completely in the two different mediums. It allows us to be honest and know both sides of each other, not just the who-we-are-in-person which I'm sure many of you will understand. 

Predominantly, yes, the differences between us is that she's indecisive and I'm more actionable. I push her to make decisions occasionally and it is fun debating back and forth with her because we both want for each others' happiness in a decision. We have plenty of common interests while remaining independent of each other which is especially important in a partner. Neither of us wants to be dependent upon the other, but we improve each others' lives when we do spend time together. Things were a bit rocky in the beginning because we both have had challenging experiences in the past with trusting others with our emotions, and that feel that we move too fast because our intuition and figuring others out. We got past it by simply talking about it. We both acknowledged it was happening and agreed to work together to keep ourselves in check and pace it. We keep certain parts of our lives; i.e. financial and home concerns, friend drama, etc, to ourselves because we both have the tendency to turn people into projects and we don't want that for each other.


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## Miguel G

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## futilethewinds

My first girlfriend was an INFJ. We had a lot of problems, but she had issues, so I don't know how many of her problems were INFJ problems. She just didn't seem to know herself that well.


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## imaginaryrobot

Conflicts I've experienced with a few INFPs. This isn't describing INFP-INFJ conflicts in general.

1. I've taken issue with a few INFPs in my life who tend to be slightly more...judgmental? about people than I am. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt most of the time, but I can get quite turned off when INFPs (including my mom, whom I love) will say something negative about people or criticize them for something that I personally can attribute to a number of things. 

2. The spontaneous, "work-well-at-the-last-minute" nature of some INFPs can definitely clash with the way I like to work. It can be stressful at times, just because of those differences. 

3. I don't know how often this happens, but sometimes INFPs like to project their own issues onto me, which just aren't the case for me.


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## cyamitide

The grievances that I've heard some INFPs have for INFJs:
- being too convinced in their opinion, yet not factually backing it up. it makes the INFP distrust any information that is coming from the INFJ because all they hear sounds like INFJ's personal opinion that they are trying to enforce on the INFP
- not explaining themselves clearly, overexplaning stuff, explaning things in a convoluted roundabout way where INFJs thoughts just swirl around without actually arriving at any place - makes the INFP feel confused after such interaction
- trying to blend in with the crowd too much, not asserting INFJ's own individuality


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## cyamitide

For a general description of INFJ-INFP type of relations, see the link under "quasi-identicals". Quasi-identical relations are characterized by many small scale arguments that don't really go anywhere and only tire out both people. But all is easily forgiven.

*INFJ Relationship Types*
*INFP Relationship Types*


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## Runemarks

cyamitide said:


> The grievances that I've heard some INFPs have for INFJs:
> - being too convinced in their opinion, yet not factually backing it up. it makes the INFP distrust any information that is coming from the INFJ because all they hear sounds like INFJ's personal opinion that they are trying to enforce on the INFP
> - not explaining themselves clearly, overexplaning stuff, explaning things in a convoluted roundabout way where INFJs thoughts just swirl around without actually arriving at any place - makes the INFP feel confused after such interaction
> - trying to blend in with the crowd too much, not asserting INFJ's own individuality


I've heard the first two, but as for the last one I don't think it could ever happen. I've told my INFJ friend she's too concerned with social conventions and she's told me "I probably am, and you're a bit too weird".


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## cyamitide

Runemarks said:


> I've heard the first two, but as for the last one I don't think it could ever happen. I've told my INFJ friend she's too concerned with social conventions and she's told me "I probably am, and you're a bit too weird".


um, how would it never happen if you told your gf exactly that third point?


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## Runemarks

cyamitide said:


> um, how would it never happen if you told your gf exactly that third point?


I apologize for my late reply.
Maybe I misunderstood you, but I thought you had said that INFPs made it difficult for INFJs to be themselves because they want them to behave like everyone else, whereas I think that most of us, on the contrary, try to encourage everyone to express their individuality.


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## cyamitide

Runemarks said:


> ... whereas I think that most of us, on the contrary, try to encourage everyone to express their individuality.


unless their self expression conflicts with INFP's individuality, then the INFP doesn't like that much


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## GisselleHelena

cyamitide said:


> Quasi-identical relations are characterized by many small scale arguments that don't really go anywhere and only tire out both people. But all is easily forgiven.


This, exactly, is what's going on with the INFP relationships I have.
I've learnt to be very patient because I live with my INFP brother alone, and I've could "comprehend" a little bit about their intense world. But, reading this and based on my experience, it seems like the INFPs have more problems with INFJ that viceversa. We can argue about silly things for awhile until I must stop him, due to I realize how senseless are the arguments. Apart from my brother, I have INFP friends that I want to help, only if they allowed me (at least I listen to them). Although there are things like 'their tendency to enclose in a vision and not to see other different options' that I don't like.
Because he is my brother, we trust each one, and he often tells me what he dislikes about me (INFPs are too critical, aren't they?). For example, he hates my "I don't care" attitude, the fact that I have few friends, or when I try to mask my emotions, my "bitterness", etc. I believe we all must be respectful and understanding with others, and I know how difficult is for an INFP to balance themselves, but the excess of something is bad, not only for oneself, but also for the rest, and that is something INFPs really hate to hear/read.


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## rosered89

cyamitide said:


> The grievances that I've heard some INFPs have for INFJs:
> - **being too convinced in their opinion, yet not factually backing it up*. *it makes the INFP distrust any information that is coming from the INFJ because all they hear sounds like INFJ's personal opinion that they are trying to enforce on the INFP
> - not explaining themselves clearly, overexplaning stuff, explaning things in a convoluted roundabout way where INFJs thoughts just swirl around without actually arriving at any place - makes the INFP feel confused after such interaction
> - **trying to blend in with the crowd too much, not asserting INFJ's own individuality**[/B]


I'm sorry but I have to disagree on that one, INFJs are more rational than INFPs, the INFPs I have met ignore all logic in an argument. In an INFP's point of view an action going against their own personal beliefs is wrong or "immoral" regardless of the circumstances, they tend to have very black and white thinking, thus they judge people/situations harshly sometimes. If an INFJ is trying to explain his/herself to an INFP about a misunderstanding between them, they won't accept any logical explanation, their mind is already made up because the action was offensive to them so it's like talking to a brick wall, they don't give a crap about trying to understand your reasoning. It's not that they don't understand what the INFJ is trying to say, it's that they don't care.

Individuality is very subjective. Some people's idea of individuality is dressing like a hippie or a goth, having healing crystals in your house, or being polyamorous. Others view being an individual as more subjective and not so much as an aesthetic statement. For most INFJs I know individuality means being your own person, making your own choices, having an open mind and being aware about life and the world. I have come across many immature INFPs whose idea of individuality is the superficial aesthetic kind, instead of the more genuine altruistic kind.


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## TheAfflatusSurging

personally, i love infjs. i have two very close infj friends and they are the most complex and interesting people who have so much to offer me intellectually and spiritually. i honestly don't know why they like me so much, because i feel very lucky to have them in my life. :3 they are creative analysts whose brilliance is unquestioned, but takes time to be fully appreciated. i'm creative too, but in a much more shallow, magpie-ish way. i'm guessing the vast majority of great thinkers in the arts and humanities are infjs.


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## Maidelane

I had an Infp boyfriend once. Our problems:
- Lack of communication. We could have been talking about something serious and he'd said a joke/ something completely random
- INFP doesn't talk about his feeling (only in general)
- keeps a lot of secrets related to feelings as well. And I, INFJ, played the guessing game. 

on the other hand they are so sweet and lovely


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## Aerosong

OrangeAppled said:


> I've aired my grievances on many occasions about INFJs. There is too often lack of humility, inability to see their own errors in perception/judgment & flaws in themselves, tendency to be hypocrites & dish it out when they cannot take it, obsession with their supposed rarity & elitist/superiority complex, massive blind spots in interpreting reality (I struggle to see them as "big picture" people, which I see more for NPs), tendency to run from problems/conflicts rather than make any adjustment/compromise on their end to solve it, slavery to social protocol with insensitivity and/or obliviousness to what is actually hurtful or offensive to others, etc, etc, etc.
> 
> I don't find they grasp internal workings of people well - they grasp people to the extent they can manipulate them for their own gain, which they whitewash as some vision for the greater good. INFPs grasp the inner workings of individuals much better, and we seek to aid people in discovering what they truly need & how that can manifest in a win-win way, not trying to groom them as pawns in some concept we've personally deemed ideal. This treating of people like game pieces is always disgusting to me, and te facade of being some sensitive empath in the INFJ makes it worse.
> 
> INFJs are also some of the worst listeners I've ever met. They'll have this really quiet way of looking intent while you talk, and later you find out they cut off listening & started interpreting (usually wrong) without checking in with you to see if they got any of it right.
> 
> So all this nonsense about INFJs understanding INFPs but not vice versa - well, it's nonsense. I've never once felt understood by an INFJ. They certainly are not reading me accurately. I have been positively shocked after months of exchanges when an INFJ will make some comment which reveals they are & have been light years away from a shred of insight into me. If they had checked in with me here & there in conversation to confirm if they were actually getting it right, this may have been prevented, but these people were/are much too arrogant to do so.
> 
> Also - you are not allowed to ever assert a need or hurt with an INFJ, because they become insulted at the mere hint they are not perfect & have not adequately anticipated needs or avoided the hurting of others. As a defense, they will invalidate your needs/feelings, and they will switch the focus from you trying to communicate needs or hurt to how hurt they are that you dare suggest they could possibly hurt or fail you. This makes it impossible to have honest, open communication to establish & maintain health, mutually satisfying relationships; all the bending must be on your end. They are the worst kind of tyrants, because they have a passive-aggressive mode in life were everything is expressed as some form of good will or spiritual insight, so it's difficut to call them out on their uglier aspects & hold them accountable for them.
> 
> I said I wasn't going to do a long reply here, but somehow no one else quite touches on these flaws in the INFJ the way I do.
> 
> * *
> 
> 
> 
> 
> muwhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahaha!


Omg. Couldn't have put it better myself. I wouldn't say this applies to every INFJ, but I have experienced every word of this. I agree that it's bogus that there is some.... interesting claim (probably fabricated by some arrogant infj somewhere) that they understand us better than we do them, but let me tell you, how could they possibly? When I spend every moment of our conversation time listening so intently to everything they say (disgustingly overconfident and delusional many times, but I try not to dwell on it and put it aside) and find it impossible to get a word in edgewise? Um, they couldn't know a thing about me, but let me tell ya, I could recite anything about them back word for word, because I do actually listen and pay special attention.
Any I've met simply aren't interested in ME as a person, and can't seem to tolerate much conversation about myself at all unless it's what I think about them or a situation in their lives. Or to stroke their ego. God I can only stand so much of it, I have to allot specific small amounts of time for any infj's in my life, because they will drain you, judge you, and consider your opinions totally lacking.

BUT. On a positive note.
They can surprise you and be the most thoughtful friends you could ever ask for at times, if you stick around. They share all our same interests as INFP's.
They are the best poets I've ever encountered, they can produce such amazing poetry on a dime. They rarely forget any aspect of an emotional situation they are involved in. They are brilliant psychics, just like us, even if they sometimes don't realize it. They have the best taste in music, always seem to know all the best bands and artists you've never heard of, their ipod is a treasure cove. Great sense of style, amazing cooks, know how to plan an event. Seem to pull brilliant creative ideas just out of their ass that will leave your jaw hanging. (They sometimes lack the confidence that it'd take off? Push them, they don't even realize how badass their ideas are sometimes.) They have a dark, mysterious sexual energy that draws people like magnets. They really have that cool factor down to a T. 

Overall they are amazing friends that are more than worth knowing just.... exercise patience, and try to assert yourself, make sure you feel like a somebody in your friendship, not just a scratching post sounding board.


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## passionache

I'm an INFP male who used to date an INFJ female, and while we didn't conflict that often, we did have trouble communicating about our feelings for each other. By "we" I should say "I" because while she was always able to describe her emotion eloquently I struggled to get a proper sentence out about how deeply I felt about her. One day I let her read some of the poetry I had written about her and she was shocked to read all the thoughts I always had, but was never able to express in conversation. I always thought it was a great example of overcoming some of the communication barriers between Fe and Fi in relationships.


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## The_Wanderer

Fievel said:


> INFPs tend to resemble children throwing a temper tantrum, while by contrast INFJs(being the "old souls" that they are) tend to resemble senile old people


None of that is related to type, probably more to upbringing than anything. But I'd be willing to state, that if I had the time and interest level to research it, the "whiniest" types would be the IxFx types (not IxSx, that was a typo). Especially the intuitive ones. :wink:


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