# Does anyone feel disconnected from their family?



## KateMarie999 (Dec 20, 2011)

Hello, my fellow NFs!!

For those of you who were raised by sensors and especially those who don't have any intuitive family members, do you feel disconnected to your family?

Let me explain. My parents are ISTJ and ISFJ. My brothers are ESFJ and ISFP. My grandparents are ESTJ, ISTJ, ISTP, and ISFJ. So the people who were around me most of the time in my life were all sensors and simply didn't know what to do with such an extremely intuitive child. So instead of trying to nurture my natural intuition, they tried to stifle it. They kept telling me I was wrong to think like that. I felt like I was trapped in a prison.

Then I read all about the NF type. How they prioritize family. I don't do that. But then as I thought about it, I guess I sort of do. I desperately want to be supported and loved and understood the way a family is supposed to. But my family isn't that kind of family. I'm a failure and a disappointment to them. I feel like I'll never get that kind of support and that I missed out.

I didn't really think about it until I started dating my boyfriend. He's an ENTP and his parents are ENTP and ENFP. And he's incredibly well adjusted and comfortable in his own skin. He doesn't feel like he's missing out on the kind of love and support I'm missing in my life. And instead of being happy for him, I just want to punch something. Maybe if my parents had made an effort to try to meet me at my level, I'd have the self confidence to put myself out there. I wouldn't feel like a freak or a failure because I don't fit into their perfect mold. I wouldn't be afraid to be myself and to be a bit spontaneous and crazy and ridiculous. Maybe I'd be the kind of person my boyfriend brings out of me all the time. And maybe I'd actually have successes in my life. But I feel like it's too late, my family threw me out of their perfect little lives for being too different.

It's not that they don't love me or that I don't love them. But as an NF, I desire a deep connection and an intimacy in my relationships that my strongly SJ parents simply cannot and will not provide. It's breaking my heart not being able to have that closeness that everyone else seems to have. I want to be me because I love being an NF, I love the way it makes me feel and the way I think but I also hate how it makes me feel gypped when I'm around my family. I've tried everything and it's like they can't love me as deeply as I need them to. They're just never going to understand me and I really, really need them to understand and embrace me and support me.

I don't want to sound selfish. I do try to be a good daughter and sister. But I feel a more intimate connection to my dog than I do to my own parents.

What can I do? Does anyone else feel this way?? Am I alone?


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## Yomotsu Risouka (May 11, 2012)

You're definitely not alone. I feel the same way not only about my family, but about people in general--as a child, I was consistently punished for my Ne traits, and pretty much the only part of me anyone ever valued was my intellect. As a result, I became severely skewed in favor of Te... I've spent most of my life in a Ne-Te loop, and most of my Fi values are basically antisocial in nature. I probably seem more like an INTJ than an ENFP sometimes.

As for what you can do... I really wish I knew. SJs aren't exactly the most understanding of people...

If nothing else, you can always rely on the support of a new family you create, though, right?


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## Blickwinkel (May 15, 2012)

I hear you Kate, my family is very much the same way. Just about everyone I'm close to is SJ lol. I really have a hard time communicating with my family too :\

Think of it like this. At least you found someone who you can relate to. Yes, you may always have trouble reaching out to your family, but at least you have people in your life that you can relate to. As tenebrae said, if nothing else you can relate to your boyfriend and his folks, as well as any friends you may have.


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## petitpèlerin (Apr 23, 2012)

Yes, I relate to that. My mother is an ISTJ and we're as close as we possibly can be, but it just doesn't tap the deeper part of me. I wish it could but it can't.

As an ENFP I would guess it's even harder for you. One of my good friends is an ENFP and he says his family never had any idea who he was. I don't know their types but it sounds like the women are SJs and dad was NT or SP. I know it was hard for him. In his twenties he left Europe and moved to the US. He's been here ever since. And he has friends here who "get" him. Like me. I think maybe that's what it takes: realizing the limitations of our relationships with our family, and developing friendships that meet those deeper interpersonal needs.


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## Daniel6 (Apr 6, 2012)

Although I'm not an NF, I identify with your situation. Except I think that it must be even worse for an NF--especially an ENFP--to be surrounded by Sensing family members like that with no iNtuitives in sight. I also don't think you sound selfish at all. We're human beings who want to be loved and understood, and as you bluntly pointed out, that type of empathy is something your family simply can't provide for you on the level you yearn for. I know the frustration and melancholy derived from being able to completely understand everyone in your family while not being able to be understood yourself.

But on the plus side, as Blickwinkel pointed out, your ENTP boyfriend seems to be finally providing you with the kind of outlet you've always wanted. I think you'll just need some time to wrestle with the bitterness and envy you feel about the solidarity he experiences in his family and your lack thereof in your family. I also think that if you fulfill your potential as an ENFP (which is a lot), your family may come to appreciate your talents and successes and, even more importantly, you.


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## liza_200 (Nov 13, 2010)

Yes. I can. My ENTP sister doesn't lives me with, so I've to deal with my sensor parents. I love them alot, but sometimes I do feel disconnected. I better say most of the times, especially when I'm in home for the whole day.


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## KateMarie999 (Dec 20, 2011)

I know prejudice against sensors is bad and I do value their opinions but I really think too many intuitives grow up thinking they're crazy or defective because they don't think like their family members do. It's ridiculous; there should be intuitive support groups or something...


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## snowbell (Apr 2, 2012)

KateMarie999 said:


> I know prejudice against sensors is bad and I do value their opinions but I really think too many intuitives grow up thinking they're crazy or defective because they don't think like their family members do. It's ridiculous; there should be intuitive support groups or something...


I agree here. It would be helpful to people to know that they aren't defective or broken for being more F than S or whatever the case may be.


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## KateMarie999 (Dec 20, 2011)

Yesterday, I sort of looked around the room and thought "how do sensors even see this room?" Probably much different. The problem is I just don't think I can tap into that. There's a huge difference between the way I process everything and the way my family does. My boyfriend and all of my closest friends see the world the way I do (my closest friends are all NFs). Even my therapist is an ENFJ (not strongly J either so I don't feel too intimidated). One of my best friends, who I'm pretty sure is an ENFP, grew up with strongly SJ and SP family members and had it even rougher than I did. Her family would actually hit her for exhibiting some of her natural intuition. My parents never did that at least.

It's still really hard. I'm going to see my boyfriend today and while I know I'm going to get all the reciprocated Ne I could ever want, I can't help but be jealous of him for getting that all his life while I had to search high and low for fellow intuitives. I remember the intense connection I felt to my first best friend (ENTP) and I wasn't even sure why. Now I know it's because she really understood my thought process. And my subsequent best friends have all been intuitive (except one ESTJ but in my defense, he had very developed Ne). I've dated 2 sensors (ISFP and ESTP) and while they were nice, they just weren't very interesting to me. I think I amused them though.

Still, my friends go home at the end of the day and I'm stuck with my mostly SJ family. Looks like there's no way to have that deep family connection I yearn for. I guess I'll have to marry my boyfriend.


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## Mattylad (Apr 13, 2012)

I've had similar problems. My parents however have been very kind to me I don't think they have a real problem - then again, my mum is an immunologist and my dad is a bioinfamatician working on GM crops so could this have affected it? However I've felt more isolated at school, with pratically no-one thinking like I do and been somewhat demoralised by it. It's fustrating, but I'm amazed at myself that I've stuck by myself for so long.


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## thischarmingirl (Aug 9, 2011)

KateMarie999 said:


> My parents are ISTJ and ISFJ.


woah, so are mine! my dad's the ISTJ and my mom's the ISFJ. my siblings are: ISTJ, IXXX (seriously, we've tried to type her and we think she's a psychopath because she just can't be typed), INTJ, INFP/INFJ, and my brother is too young to be typed.

i actually get along the most with my ISTJ dad and sister surprisingly because i feel like they are just so direct that they're usually the easiest for me to avoid conflict with. honestly, for the longest time, my ISTJ was just so insensitive, but you know he took me more seriously (can you believe this) than my ISFJ mother when i fell into really bad depressions. my INTJ sister is the one who intimidates me. she's younger but very, very, quiet and i can go for days without her saying a word but one day, she just exploded and said she hated me and was crying. to be honest, from that instant, i leave her alone. and my other sister who can't be typed is just very cold and feels entitled to everything. 

the people who give me the deepest pains in my family are actually my INFP/INFJ sister and my ISFJ mother. my sister is more of an INFJ at home but she has a whole distinct set of values that just feel more rigid than mine. when we get along, we are really in sync but most of the time, i feel really judged by her. i can't explain it. with her, i'm not only less witty but i have to try to be really insightful (and that's not usually a problem with me) because i feel like she has this perception of me as a indulgent, materialistic person because i love my internet and iPod and that i'm spiritually immature because of my fall out with religion. i feel this judgement in the air and it hurts me incredibly because i actually think she's a great person and really funny and warm with a deep soul who really wants to help people. i just feel like everyone else gets her consideration and tolerance and i don't? 

as for my isfj mom, i could write a whole novel about this, but she's very very very unhealthy and just makes me feel, with my sister, the biggest disappointment ever. i will never feel loved by her or believe in the instances when she relays warmth, because in my darkest hours, she was the one who acted as if my emotional displays were hysterics and constantly invalidated me. she's the reason why i cry if someone has a mom they can trust and confide into and why i think i tend to be really sensitive to friends who have really bad relationships with their moms and why i'm really maternal with them. my mom can literally break my heart and soul like no one else.

so to answer your question, yes, i am very disconnected. it's funny too, people assume if you're in a big family, you must feel a lot of love and support but i've had so many moments where all seven people in my house just weren't there for me at all and that is the worst alone feeling ever.


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## Hola.Ola.Ting.Ting (May 24, 2012)

dont want to figure out what types are

because it is a never ending minefield walk

to getup quickly is my prayer for us


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## velvetoveralls (May 7, 2012)

Oh my God, same here! My parents are ISTP and ISFJ, and I don't get along with them.... I don't have any sort of connection with them. They are very insensitive and too concrete, I feel.... 

I never realized how close most people are with their families until last year (literally). It really, really hurt me to see how I lacked such a vital support system, and it actually triggered a lapse into depression for a few months.


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## ThornyBones (Jun 25, 2011)

Yeah, I've never been able to relate to mine.
Even so, whatever their types are they're both extremely cold and think everything that comes out of my mouth is bizarre. I mean, I literaly can't connect to them let alone carry on a conversation with them. Not to mention they're kind of jerks anyway and extremely invalidating towards me. They've made fun of me for not having as much money as them to I don't know, everything. Last time I was there my sister was mockingly calling my autistic. They never take any interest in me and just ignore me completely when I've around. I mean, I've literaly had conversations with my mother and she'd completely tune me out only to go leave the house to do whatever she does. I don't live with them anymore anyway, thank god. Whenver I talk to her on the phone it's usually "GET YOUR LIFE TOGETHER, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!?? YOU BETTer HURRY UP AND START GETTIN AHHEEEeaaADD. WHAT DO YOU DOOO!!? WHAT.DO.YOU.DO" Well gee mom, I write, paint, play music, read, watch movies, I've dabbled in some acting, I skateboard/longboard I..."OMG GROW UP"*CLICK*

I mean, I dunno. They make me feel like a horrible person, and I've tried to figure out what but I can't. 
My extended families not realy any better either. They used to always make fun of me and call me things like "weirdo" and "hermit" when I was just a little kid. I've lived with my aunt and uncle briefly when I was younger and they were like SUPER-MEGA SJ's and like, they talked to me like I was retarded. I mean seriously, it's like they thought I was retarded. Whenever I day dreamed they'd clap their hands in my face and shit like that. My uncle would just scream at me all the time and make fun of me for my stutter and stuff
and they thought I was disturbed because I needed time alone and liked to spend time writing and drawing and that it meant I was clinicaly depressed. God when I lived there I was stuck working and going to school and volunteering and being involved in all these other extra circulatory activities and then they wanted me to get another job on top of that not to mention how many god damn chores I had to do all the time. CLEAN THE CAR,
CLEAN THE HOUSE, OMG YOU LEFT A CRUMB ON THE FLOOR, WHAT WERE YOU RAISED IN A BARN!!!!?// "ARE YOU GAY!!?? WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!? OMG you have long hair, therefore you must be gay

So yeah, I happily left THere. Holy crap. I hate them all. I'd rather be homeless then live with those nUtJObs.


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## ThornyBones (Jun 25, 2011)

The biggest dream and aspiration I've had my entire is just to belong somewhere:dry:


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## Berns321 (Apr 9, 2012)

There are a lot of isfj parents it seems.
My mom is an isfj and my dad is either infp or infj.

But anyway my parents divorced a few years ago, and although it's easier to have intellectual conversations my dad, and I feel we connect better...i always saw my mom as the better person. She is simple minded, she is always correcting me and getting on my nerves, but she is extremely loyal and self sacrificing. She would do a thing for her kids and its as simple as that...she even tells me she wishes she could understand and talk to me like I did with my dad. My dad on the other hand is pretty selfish...haha. He was always going through some crisis growing up, and would always seem to blame my mom for this. Saying that she never got him. He ended up cheating on my mom a few times and being emotionally abusive to my whole family.

Its funny because everyone outside of my family thought my dad was some special person, and he clearly recognized this. But I always thought my mom was the better person
always in the background quietly caring for us unconditionally. Even now she refuses to date ever again and just focus on me and my brothers xD. My dad hasn't bothered to contact us at all...and the rare times he does its to talk about what he is going through and his own feelings xD

So I dunno....i guess it all depends on each individual. But I find sometimes a lot of sensors I meet are a lot more pure and selfless than I could ever be or become....ive definetly met a few intuitive though that were selfish assholes haha.


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## TheBackwardsLegsMan (Feb 19, 2012)

I don't know what type my parents are, but we've never been close. Even my extended family has never shown any interest in really getting to know each other, we've always just kind of co-existed. I've always wanted a closer relationship with my family, but it never happened. Even my siblings have always bee distant...


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## Pointless Activist (May 22, 2012)

My family: Dad: ESTJ Mom: ISFJ Youngest Sister: ESTJ Older than my youngest sister but still younger than me sister: ESFJ Older brother that has moved out: INTJ

I feel disconnected with everyone in my family except for my brother, and I barely see him any more. I live in a family of sensors, and none of them really "get" me. I'm an INFP, so you know that my ESTJ dad and sister get along with me "amazingly." My ISFJ mother tries to connect with me, but it's really hard to. Everyone in my family sort of makes me feel like a bad person for being so impatient with their small talk and how they tend to repeat facts that have already been stated, asked me what I was going to be doing today, etc. I just can't handle that small talk. I don't see much of a point to giving more than one or two word responses to those questions. I just _can't _connect with them. At all. Let me just say that you are not alone, and I know how it feels.


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## KateMarie999 (Dec 20, 2011)

Today I met my boyfriend's family. I hate the entire idea of family. The idea that we have to live with the people we were born to. Had I grown up in a family like his, I'd actually be comfortable in my own skin. I wouldn't always feel defective or weird or too childish. These are the kind of people who could have changed the horrible memories of everything my parents ever said to hurt me. They would have been supportive no matter what instead of refusing to support anything that didn't fit with their vision.

I hate family. There's got to be a better solution out there.


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## run.away.unicorn (Jun 27, 2011)

ocassionally yes ...

need time to clear my mind..


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## Jwing24 (Aug 2, 2010)

definitely. I wouldn't call myself the black sheep of the family, but I am definitely the one people don't understand on both sides of the family.


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