# Lying to people who ask you how you're doing



## fribblesandyoko (Nov 15, 2009)

Does anyone else do this? I'm sure a lot of people do ... I'm just having a hard time reaching out to anyone anymore about how I'm feeling. I can't describe it and I don't like the term "depression". Even so, when I try to use that term to tell "close friends" how I'm feeling, they just belittle my problems and feelings. So lately, I've just been lying and telling anyone who asks that I'm great. I can't tell if this is making it better by shielding myself from their criticism or worse by keeping all of my feelings/thoughts pent up inside. Most will tell me it's bad to keep things to yourself for so long like that, but honestly, I get so pissed off when people who I care about & supposedly care about me act like my issues/worries/whatever aren't that big of a deal. Especially when I listen to everything they have to say and treat their problems with sensitivity while trying to help them rationalize a way to make it better. 

Sorry. I'm rambling now.


----------



## snail (Oct 13, 2008)

It is important to have someone you can talk to about your feelings. 
It is important for that person to be nurturing and non-critical when you are openly vulnerable.
It is important for that person not to make things worse by blaming, offering "solutions" that feel like accusations, or telling you that you are being bad or weak for feeling emotional pain.
It is important for that person not to rush your healing process by behaving impatiently or insensitively, by saying invalidating things about how you should just "get over it," "toughen up," "stop whining," "move on/ let it go," or otherwise ignore the feelings until they go away on their own, as though allowing yourself to feel them were selfish, annoying, or somehow detrimental to your psychological progress.
The most important thing you can do when you are feeling down is to find that one friend you can depend on, the one who will be patient with you because he or she really cares about your feelings and likes being helpful, and just talk about your feelings until you are able to manage them well enough to analyze the possible causes for them. Then, you can brainstorm solutions together when you are feeling well enough to do so. 
Be selective about who you go to with your feelings. Some people don't understand, and will trample them, either punitively, or while attempting to use "tough love" to "make you stronger." Some would drain the blood of the sick and injured to remove the bad spirits, weakening them further as they attempt to recover. Avoid the false doctors who withhold support. Even if they mean well, they will prevent the healing you require.


----------



## zwanglos (Jan 13, 2010)

Many times I just start making up amazing stories about adventures I never had, because I know they're not really interested in the truth.


----------



## Darity (Dec 17, 2009)

Isn't it a lie from them by asking you how you're doing while they don't give a shit in the first place?
There are people I try to be honest with. Sometimes they care, sometimes they don't. I don't want to be needy and force them into a discussion they don't want to have, but I'm glad if they give me the opportunity to speak about my situation.

Basically I try to give them a hint that I'm not fine, but I leave the decision to them if they want to pick up the topic.

I think snail gave a great reply.


----------



## Korvyna (Dec 4, 2009)

First off, you reached out to this forum. And look at the responses you have received so far! Sometimes, it's places like this that help you through problems. I have many friends... But only two that I know I can go to with problems and they will always hear me out and try and help in any way that they can. 

It sounds like you need to have a sit down with your friend/friends and ask them how they would feel if they approached you with something they deemed important and you shrugged it off like it was nothing.


----------



## Trifoilum (Dec 13, 2009)

Korvyna said:


> First off, you reached out to this forum. And look at the responses you have received so far! Sometimes, it's places like this that help you through problems.


Yes. It's because people are, consciously or not, coming to this forum, to this thread, to find something*). If one can't, or doesn't want to reply, they could just shrug it off and press back. Now in real life, those things aren't possible, are they? Once we're saying something, it's heard. To reply or not reply in a certain way would imply certain things. That's why I tend to give more leeway to them.

I tend to choose and consider HARD before even beginning to tell some specific part, or emotion, or feelings, of myself. I personally believe while friends are supposed to help friends, it's also our responsibilities not to burden them with our problems, which, while magnificent and troubling for us, may be nothing but wastes to them, while they are busy with their own problem. A tendency of mine is withholding a certain part of myself except for specific numbers of people (and I blame myself for it; seriously, me, they are NOT my trashbin) and to others, I usually just try to stay the way I am, and would slowly reveal myself if someone do care and notices something's off and asks what's wrong.

I think about quite a lot of things before asking for help; like retribution; do I give them enough things to expect that?
And the same for personal belief; due to the way they're being themselves. Are they usually aloof and cold? I can't expect some friends I have to help / hear me, but if they know and help, than I should be thankful for them even just to hear me, because they're doing me a favor and going beyond their usual self.



> It sounds like you need to have a sit down with your friend/friends and ask them how they would feel if they approached you with something they deemed important and you shrugged it off like it was nothing.


but then, I agreed; this kind of act is annoying and can be detrimental to yourself, and should be talked with.

*)and I think the users of Personality Cafe are generally more careful and compassionate to answering topics, tho. I've been to other forums where this is not the case and...random is an understatement.


----------



## fribblesandyoko (Nov 15, 2009)

Thank you all for the advice... I really appreciate it... 



Trifoilum said:


> I tend to choose and consider HARD before even beginning to tell some specific part, or emotion, or feelings, of myself. I personally believe while friends are supposed to help friends, it's also our responsibilities not to burden them with our problems, which, while magnificent and troubling for us, may be nothing but wastes to them, while they are busy with their own problem. A tendency of mine is withholding a certain part of myself except for specific numbers of people (and I blame myself for it; seriously, me, they are NOT my trashbin) and to others, I usually just try to stay the way I am, and would slowly reveal myself if someone do care and notices something's off and asks what's wrong.


And I really need to start thinking more like this.


----------



## reyesaaronringo (Dec 27, 2009)

i wouldn't be too critical of your friends. some people don't handle feelings well. you have something very special when you find someone you can confide in.


----------



## windex (Dec 24, 2009)

No one wants to hear about your problems. Nor do they care. If you did tell people how you really felt, you would probably receive a lecture. It's better to lie if that's what you want to call it. "I'm fine." "I'm good." "I'm great." If people really told me how they were feeling when asked what a mess that would be. 

How are you doing today, Jimbo? "Just another day of my masking my contempt for humanity while I wallow in my own self misery, says Jimbo." "Hey, that's good to hear, listen I got to run but it was good seeing you."


----------



## sprinkles (Feb 7, 2010)

What gets me is there's a few different 'camps' of friends I've had...

There's the "you should be great ALL THE TIME!" camp.

Then there's the "you think you got problems/don't be emo/don't bring us down" camp.

Then there are the ones who would practically beg me to be honest how I feel and to tell them if I'm feeling bad...

It's really utterly confusing.


----------



## cardinalfire (Dec 10, 2009)

fribblesandyoko said:


> Does anyone else do this? I'm sure a lot of people do ... I'm just having a hard time reaching out to anyone anymore about how I'm feeling. I can't describe it and I don't like the term "depression". Even so, when I try to use that term to tell "close friends" how I'm feeling, they just belittle my problems and feelings. So lately, I've just been lying and telling anyone who asks that I'm great. I can't tell if this is making it better by shielding myself from their criticism or worse by keeping all of my feelings/thoughts pent up inside. Most will tell me it's bad to keep things to yourself for so long like that, but honestly, I get so pissed off when people who I care about & supposedly care about me act like my issues/worries/whatever aren't that big of a deal. Especially when I listen to everything they have to say and treat their problems with sensitivity while trying to help them rationalize a way to make it better.
> 
> Sorry. I'm rambling now.


It sounds to me that you don't tell people your feelings because you feel that they are affected by it, and by the way that they would treat you in response, like belittleling (spelling?) you, then they aren't secure. 

You have a civil right to assert yourself, and if your friends don't want to hear about your problems or do not consider your feelings as valid, then I would suggest finding other friends.

The fact may also be that these friends do not want to hear you complain about your problems, which is understandable, however if you are going to them and saying 'here are my feelings, I want to share, I don't want you to help me solve them, because I can do that myself, I just want to have my feelings recognised' then that is important.

Often people will ask in passing 'how are you doing today?' and many people, myself included will say, 'oh i'm fine', as if we are dependent on someone else. For example if someone asks 'how are you today?' and say 'oh I'm not too good actually', that takes far more strength, because some people feel that by saying a lie, that you are actually ok, you are 'not bringing others down' , when the fact is , we only get down or depressed if we allow ourselves to be. So next time someone asks you say ' I'm not feeling good' and look at the expression on their face, it's almost as if they feel they are responsible for how you feel now... It's crazy.... then wait some seconds and say 'don't worry you aren't responsible to make me feel better, so calm down'. I sometimes say, and I'm getting better, 'Oh i'm ok, not briliant, I've got some problems i'm working them out'. It's much better than saying 'oh i'm fine' just to save face.

Reminds me of why Jesus said forgive your brother for what they do, because they aren't responsible for you at the end of the day. We are responsible for one person in our lives, and no prizes for guessing who that is. Let others sort themselves out. Also if you aren't assertive about what you want in your life, then you will feel angry or sad, depending on what you do with the emotion, whether you are passive or deconstructive, if you are win/win and constructive ,you will be assertive.

This post may or may not help, it's down to you. I may have actually not solved the problem you were working on, or asking advice about. Let me know if this post doesn't help at all, or whether I have completely missed the bat.


----------



## Thorndrop (Jan 6, 2010)

I do it all the time. I hate nothing more than when I obviously don't want to talk about it and people keep pressing the issue and get annoyed at me for not telling them what's bothering me. I feel akward and uncomfortable talking about that.


----------



## Korvyna (Dec 4, 2009)

sprinkles said:


> What gets me is there's a few different 'camps' of friends I've had...
> 
> There's the "you should be great ALL THE TIME!" camp.
> 
> ...


I know exactly what you are talking about.... I have a similar system!


----------



## firedell (Aug 5, 2009)

The only reason I would say I was fine, when i'm not is because the person who asked me doesn't really want to hear what I have to say.


----------



## Dallas (Nov 7, 2009)

I truly understand how you feel here. I have a lot of friends who I hang out to play video games with and be obnoxious and immature with, but if I ever come to the point where I really need someone to talk to, they really don't listen and don't really care. (They're only interested in the happy, which I've come to decide isn't a real friend.) 

Although ideally I would like to have one person who I confide everything into, (One of my life goals, actually), I think a lot of people end up getting frustrated. You just have to look for people who actually do care, and review the relationships you have with people critically.

It doesn't sound like you'd have any problem reciprocating, as I've found the best listeners are the people who are craving to be listened to just as much as you are. It has to be give and take.


----------



## Dallas (Nov 7, 2009)

inebriato said:


> The only reason I would say I was fine, when i'm not is because the person who asked me doesn't really want to hear what I have to say.


Yes, I agree. You shouldn't waste any time attempting to explain yourself to people who aren't interested in hearing what you say, rather than just the sound of words.


----------



## blamflam (Jan 17, 2010)

cardinalfire said:


> It sounds to me that you don't tell people your feelings because you feel that they are affected by it, and by the way that they would treat you in response, like belittleling (spelling?) you, then they aren't secure.
> 
> You have a civil right to assert yourself, and if your friends don't want to hear about your problems or do not consider your feelings as valid, then I would suggest finding other friends.
> 
> ...


This post definitely made me feel better, It seems like I should adopt your way thinking because I always just tend to lie about how I'm feeling. But this post has been very helpful, thank you :laughing:


----------



## Narrator (Oct 11, 2009)

I sob hysterically and throw heavy objects. That said.



fribblesandyoko said:


> Does anyone else do this? I'm sure a lot of people do ... I'm just having a hard time reaching out to anyone anymore about how I'm feeling. I can't describe it and I don't like the term "depression". Even so, when I try to use that term to tell "close friends" how I'm feeling, they just belittle my problems and feelings. So lately, I've just been lying and telling anyone who asks that I'm great. I can't tell if this is making it better by shielding myself from their criticism or worse by keeping all of my feelings/thoughts pent up inside. Most will tell me it's bad to keep things to yourself for so long like that, but honestly, I get so pissed off when people who I care about & supposedly care about me act like my issues/worries/whatever aren't that big of a deal. Especially when I listen to everything they have to say and treat their problems with sensitivity while trying to help them rationalize a way to make it better.
> 
> Sorry. I'm rambling now.


My mum always says to me not to go out with expectations of others, it takes a whole veriety of types (I'm not talking about any particular personality system) to make up a world. 

In what way do they belittle you? Getting specific might help us to figure out how to get their attention a little better.

Essentially though, friendship works on a certain degree of give and take; it's not debt collection, but it's got to exist so you don't end up with your head exploding.

This thread is full of good advice, particularly snail's and cardinal's.


----------



## Nearsification (Jan 3, 2010)

zwanglos said:


> Many times I just start making up amazing stories about adventures I never had, because I know they're not really interested in the truth.


I do this. No one cares about my day.


----------



## Aßbiscuits (Oct 8, 2009)

It seems to be a social norm to say you're okay, otherwise it's a conversation killer.

Fuck social norms I say. If someone tells me they're not okay I'll listen. But it can be awkward, they do care about you, they're just accustomed to social norms.


----------



## napoleon227 (Jan 17, 2010)

assbiscuits said:


> It seems to be a social norm to say you're okay, otherwise it's a conversation killer.
> 
> *Fuck social norms I say*. If someone tells me they're not okay I'll listen. But it can be awkward, they do care about you, they're just accustomed to social norms.



Exactly. A lot of times now, I will give people a truthful response instead of the obligatory and quite mindless "fine, how are you?" (The rest of the time I just ignore them - they don't seem to notice anyway.) I fuckin' hate *bullshit* and mindless small talk. If you don't really want to know how I'm doing, than *don't fuckin' ask me!*


.


----------



## napoleon227 (Jan 17, 2010)

windex said:


> No one wants to hear about your problems. Nor do they care. If you did tell people how you really felt, you would probably receive a lecture. It's better to lie if that's what you want to call it. "I'm fine." "I'm good." "I'm great." If people really told me how they were feeling when asked what a mess that would be.
> 
> How are you doing today, Jimbo? "Just another day of my masking my contempt for humanity while I wallow in my own self misery, says Jimbo." "Hey, that's good to hear, listen I got to run but it was good seeing you."


This just explains what I hate about "people". But I enjoy provoking the mindless by forcing them to think and then watching the little fuckers squirm in discomfort as their eyes flit about desperately looking for an exit.

Yes, I am evil, and I really don't care whether or not anyone likes it.


----------



## Dallas (Nov 7, 2009)

napoleon227 said:


> This just explains what I hate about "people". But I enjoy provoking the mindless by forcing them to think and then watching the little fuckers squirm in discomfort as their eyes flit about desperately looking for an exit.
> 
> Yes, I am evil, and I really don't care whether or not anyone likes it.


I really don't see the point in being so vindictive, as I don't see what end it accomplishes other than isolating yourself from people (That very well may be your goal). You should always be able to be honest about how you feel, and if they were really asking the question merely for small talk, then after they are taken aback by your honesty, politely tell them that they probably shouldn't be asking how people are if they really aren't interested in the answer. The point is taken without the exacerbation of hatred.  It would show maturity.


----------



## Kevinaswell (May 6, 2009)

I maybe ACTUALLY answer this question when I'm asked it....5% of the time it happens.

EDIT: But also, I usually answer very quickly and don't linger on the topic. If I'm shitty, I'll genuinely say "Shitty, but whatevz. How're you?" or summin. Or if I'm good I'll just be all "Meh, I'm pretty good." or summin.

But I for sure rarely like........answer it.


----------



## napoleon227 (Jan 17, 2010)

iSGW said:


> I really don't see the point in being so vindictive, as I don't see what end it accomplishes other than isolating yourself from people (That very well may be your goal). You should always be able to be honest about how you feel, and if they were really asking the question merely for small talk, then after they are taken aback by your honesty, politely tell them that they probably shouldn't be asking how people are if they really aren't interested in the answer. The point is taken without the exacerbation of hatred.  It would show maturity.


My comment merely reflects the mood I was in when I wrote it, as I often (for better or worse) use this site as some sort of journal and don't try to temper what I write (maybe I should). I'm actually not that evil. Immature, maybe.


----------



## sond (Feb 17, 2010)

This is why I despise politeness. I really wish people would just stfu instead of running through the "how are you? fine. you? fine." which is I guess to make themselves feel like a good person without actually having to do anything. Then on the flip side, it's difficult to make people understand you really ARE asking how are they doing because you really DO want to know because you care about them ... you just get lumped in with all the robots going through their polite routines. 

But yea I always say "fine" or "hanging in there" or something like that, because either I know the person doesn't want to know, or because I don't feel like hearing myself whine and complain and dump all my -stuff- on someone else.


----------



## zwanglos (Jan 13, 2010)

Depends on the person. There are some really annoying extroverts I have to deal with currently who will ask me how I'm doing. Problem is, in the 0.5 seconds it takes for them to finish asking their question and for me to start answering it, they stop paying attention to me. They even turn away. It's like 'how ya doin' boom-180.

(Thinks to self: "How ya doin' boom-180" sounds like a neat title for a poem or song...)


----------



## BehindSmile (Feb 4, 2009)

_I've been there. I once had a friend that said she didn't want to be friends with me because I'm too depressed and am always negative about myself. I never meant it to be that way...but I ended up lying about how I was, but eventually we drifted apart because I didn't feel comfortable talking to her about anything anymore. I have to do that with my mom too. She pulls the "What do you want me to do about it??" or she'll be consoling and then hold it against me the next day, rubbing it in my face...

It truly sucks when you feel you have to hide your emotions because you don't want to be judged. I sturggle with that because I know I am an over sensitive person, so I try to not openly show when some things bother me. However, I wear my heart on my sleeve, so it's quite easy to see, and I'm a supber bad liar._


----------



## BryterLayter (Feb 15, 2010)

i do the same thing with everyone, i realized even if i say i'm not doing okay it still ends up being about the other person or i'll end up down playing my problems because the other person doesn't really care
i think how are you doing is a rhetorical question anymore, its just another form of hello, or whats up, but its not like people want a legit answer. ah the stupid unspoken rules and mind games society plays


----------

