# How can I deal with having no friends in my class?



## itselly (Jun 6, 2015)

I'm a college student (off campus), & I'm not a new student there.

When I first entered college, I tried to be a helpful student. I tried to respect everyone & helped them with small things whenever I could. But it never worked ;

(On campus ppl became closer to eachother, & some others formed their cliques without me, & some others are too open & extroverted than they can get on & talk to those groups every once in a while & never feel alone)

_________________________________________


It's not that way for me! I'm left out & feel like an outcast!
At first I tried joining one of those cliques/groups, but I couldn't.

Everytime they asked for a favor, or invited me to their parties, I tried to accept it, hoping to become their friend, but it never worked, & every time, some things showed me that they are just classmates & probably nothing more!




...so, within these years, I just became more depressed, anxious, & quiet! 
Now, everyday I go to college, it's like going to hell for me!

I get extremely anxious, sensitive & depressed.


I'm a loner there & I'm ashamed of it. No one asks me to join them at lunch time, no one starts chatting with me,
Nobody asks where I've been when I skip classes, & sometimes some of them don't even check or answer my texts!


& sometimes (like today), when we're sitting in the classroom, some of them whisper something in eachother's ears & when I ask them what they're talking about, they say "nothing"!


Once, we had a test & I didn't have 5 pages of our notes. I texted two of them, & one didn't answer & the other one said "ok" but never mailed those pages to me!

Some of them don't answer my texts...


Some of them seem ok when I talk to them, but do these kinds of things!

& I never know any secrets or infos cuz they refuse to tell me, & they never offer to work with me!

I assume they hate me so these days I try not to stay quiet in classes.
I don't even know what to talk about with them!

_______________________________


Idk if it's cuz I'm a bit shy & introverted or not.
Maybe it's depression...

But I'm usually ashamed of it & think there might be something wrong with me (Idk, like being HSP (highly sensitive), or having asperger's, social anxiety, or etc)
___________________________________


I can't take it anymore...I really can't.

Each day, I go to college with fear & anxiety. Cuz my emotions depend on my classmates. If they talk to me, smile or thank me, I feel really happy, but if they don't care about me, don't text me back, ignore me, whisper things or keep secrets from me, or look at me/talk in a bad way, nothing else can make me happy!
I get really depressed & suicidal.




I feel weird & left out, & Idk why they ignore me so much!!! sometimes I just cry, & sometimes, I think about suicide...

I'm about to have a mental break down!

It's like a negative cycle. The more I go through all of it & the more depressed I get, the less I can study/focus, so I get bad grades!

Each time, I tell myself that I'm going to get thick skinned, I'm going to stop caring, I'm going to love college & I'm going to study harder,....but I can't!


((Some ppl would suggest joining clubs & activities & meet new ppl, the thing is, my problem is not having friends in OUR class. That why I'm so depressed. Even If I have friends in other places, I still have to go to college & go through all of those things!!!))


________________________________

Plz help me!
What should I do?
What's wrong with me?


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## itselly (Jun 6, 2015)

Btw, sorry it's too long!


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## VinnieBob (Mar 24, 2014)

have you tried the school counselor for advice?


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## itselly (Jun 6, 2015)

Vinniebob said:


> have you tried the school counselor for advice?



No, but at this point, I'm too ashamed to be able to visit a counselor for that.

I could confess my problem sort of easily on perC.
But I can't do it easily in person & infront of a counselor.


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## VinnieBob (Mar 24, 2014)

itselly said:


> No, but at this point, I'm too ashamed to be able to visit a counselor for that.
> 
> I could confess my problem sort of easily on perC.
> But I can't do it easily in person & infront of a counselor.


try to pull up the courage to see a counselor 
it may not seem easy but at this point i do highly recommend it
i remember what it is like to be young and anxious
did you have many friends prior to college?


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## Hellfire (Nov 30, 2015)

.....why does your self worth hinge so heavily on whether other people give you validation? 
Also being nice doesn't get you friends. Being social does. This is coming from a relatively asocial individual to begin with.


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## JennyJukes (Jun 29, 2012)

hi, i know how you feel because i was in that position. it did slowly get better for me.


itselly said:


> Everytime they asked for a favor, or invited me to their parties, I tried to accept it, hoping to become their friend, but it never worked, & every time, some things showed me that they are just classmates & probably nothing more!
> 
> 
> I'm a loner there & I'm ashamed of it. No one asks me to join them at lunch time, no one starts chatting with me,
> Nobody asks where I've been when I skip classes, & sometimes some of them don't even check or answer my texts!


the fact they have invited you out in the past, gave you their number etc must mean they like you? similarly, what's stopping you inviting them out for lunch or parties?
don't fall into the trap of blaming a mental difficulty because it will just hold you back - i blamed aspergers too (easy scapegoat despite the fact there's absolutely no way i have autism). and similarly if you just blame being HSP or social anxiety, then how is that supposed to help you? you can have both these and still have friends!





> Each day, I go to college with fear & anxiety. Cuz my emotions depend on my classmates. If they talk to me, smile or thank me, I feel really happy, but if they don't care about me, don't text me back, ignore me, whisper things or keep secrets from me, or look at me/talk in a bad way, nothing else can make me happy!
> I get really depressed & suicidal.


then first thing you need to do is - and i know it's easier said than done - not rely on your classmates. you're there to study, and i know it makes it so much easier when you have friends around you, just focus on doing that. and if they're "nice" to you somedays, and not so nice the other times, are you sure it's them? maybe it depends how you feel on that day, about yourself, your mood etc, that makes you think they're either nice or keeping secrets from you?



i think it would help you if you had friends outside of class, people you could hang around with during lunch, that way you can offload your problems and feel a slight bit better? 




itselly said:


> No, but at this point, I'm too ashamed to be able to visit a counselor for that.
> 
> I could confess my problem sort of easily on perC.
> But I can't do it easily in person & infront of a counselor.


there's no need to be ashamed! i think it's a good idea to do, how can people help you if they don't know you're struggling?

i know how you feel and it is so hard! i went through the same thing at college but i was pushing people away with body language because i was scared they didn't like me. when i go to university, i had to take the initiative (you really do have to during the first day since that's when everyone makes friends) to sit next to a group of friendly looking people, had to make the conversation etc even if i thought it was uncomfortable and in the end i ended up with a group of friends.


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## Aridela (Mar 14, 2015)

itselly said:


> I'm a college student (off campus), & I'm not a new student there.
> 
> When I first entered college, I tried to be a helpful student. I tried to respect everyone & helped them with small things whenever I could. But it never worked ;
> 
> ...


Been there.

Unfortunately what the above poster said is true: being nice won't get you friends, same as a guy being nice to a girl doesn't mean she's going to be attracted to him. 

Have you tried joining any clubs? Or choose modules that require you to be paired up with somebody? Talking to someone also helps but I appreciate you're not up for that. I wasn't either. What helped me eventually, was going on an excavation funded by the University (I did an Archaeology major). There I had to interact a lot with other students - mainly people a year younger than me - and it was easier to form friendships. I also had to share a room with a girl who became one of my closest friends in the following years. 

Don't give up, and devise your strategy. 

1) Even if you don't feel like it try to smile and be positive around people. People instinctively shy away from negative emotions, especially if they don't know you or your circumstances. 
2) Don't be too eager to please - people can smell your fear like dogs do. I don't agree with the alpha/beta classifications, but in this case I'd say it has some bearing. 
3) Try to speak up in class and study to be one of the top students. Some people may initially come talk to you because they need help, and these will not necessarily care about being your friends, but it makes you look social. Others will have their perception changed about you 'oh, she's actually more driven than I thought, maybe I'll go chat with her'. And seriously, chances are a lot of people don't even know you exist, so speaking up in class will make them notice you.


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## Cast (Dec 20, 2016)

Why it's so important for you to have friends in your class?
Maybe you're just not right for each other. You can't click with everyone and that's perfectly fine - you don't need everyone to like you, you can be a beautiful person even if you don't bond with your classmates. This doesn't define your value.
I really don't think they hate you. When they won't tell you what they were wispering about, it's not nice, but maybe they're not comfortable sharing personal matters with you. It's probably not personal... maybe you percieve it in a negative way because you're feeling low and out of place? And if it _is_ personal, why waste time trying to win their friendship?
The one who didn't send you the notes is probably not worth your effort to please him/her. The ones that don't answer your texts might not be interested in becoming friends... yeah, and so? You've got friends. Classmates can stay just classmates - maybe you're simply in the wrong environment.
Really. Classmates are just people you're sharing classes with. Your life is so much more than that.


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## itselly (Jun 6, 2015)

Vinniebob said:


> i remember what it is like to be young and anxious
> did you have many friends prior to college?


I wasn't popular, & There were some years that I didn't have friends, or that I changed friends (as I changed school & moved alot due to family's job things)!

But yeah, I had friends most of the times! Sometimes mostly one, & sometimes a group of friends. & I was a good student.

Things were (kinda) ok until I went to college.
I can't say school was perfect & that I didn't have problems, but it was alot better!


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## itselly (Jun 6, 2015)

Hellfire said:


> .....why does your self worth hinge so heavily on whether other people give you validation?


Idk, I wasn't really like this before adulthood & college!

Idk how to stop it though. I wish I knew how to do that!

My mood & self-worth heavily depends on others especially my college classmates!
One positive small talk can make me happy & one disagreement or bad day at college, ruins me!

I think that having no friends, or letting ppl treat me like this is probably because I'm a loser & I don't deserve being happy or cared for!


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## VinnieBob (Mar 24, 2014)

itselly said:


> I wasn't popular, & There were some years that I didn't have friends, or that I changed friends (as I changed school & moved alot due to family's job things)!
> 
> But yeah, I had friends most of the times! Sometimes mostly one, & sometimes a group of friends. & I was a good student.
> 
> ...


is it possible to sit down [alone in private] and try to find out what traits your old friends possessed that attracted you to them
once that is done then try to find similar traits amongst your newly situated peers

of course me being INTJ and offering advice on ''how to make friends'' is a tad ironic:laughing:


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## itselly (Jun 6, 2015)

Vinniebob said:


> of course me being INTJ and offering advice on ''how to make friends'' is a tad ironic:laughing:


No, it's actually good! Idk if it's reality or just a stereotype, ...but I've heard INTJs don't really care about what others think about them.

I mean, based on that (which could be stereotype idk), your self worth isn't dependent on how others treat you, what they might say/think about you, or how many friends you have.

That's a good thing!

Most days, I get very anxious before going to college! Cuz I know what I experience that day at college, will determine my mood & self worth! & as It's not something predictable or controllable (by me), I get extremely anxious!

Is what I've heard about INTJs true about you? If yes, how did you learn to do it?


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## VinnieBob (Mar 24, 2014)

itselly said:


> No, it's actually good! Idk if it's reality or just a stereotype, ...but I've heard INTJs don't really care about what others think about them.
> 
> I mean, based on that (which could be stereotype idk), your self worth isn't dependent on how others treat you, what they might say/think about you, or how many friends you have.
> 
> ...


i wouldn't say ''learn''
being a 5w6 it is hard wired into our O.S.
we are border line hermits
the world is too illogical for us
i do have 2 close friends a.k.a. bitches:laughing:
one is XNFP
the other ENTJ


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## Hellfire (Nov 30, 2015)

@itselly I'm going to blunt. You're not a loser because you have a lack of friends. But I can smell the self -pity 300 miles away and more, and the smell is awful as fuck. I get that it's a four thing to wallow in negative emotions. A certain amount of rumination is healthy and natural and cathartic. Wallowing in self-pity on the other hand gets you nowhere. I'm a college student myself, and like I said. I'm relatively a social and the friends I have I'm not very close to since on an emotional level I can't really relate to most people. But I have them. People sit with me. I get sex if I want it. 
One way I did this was pushing myself out of my comfort zone. And like I said being nice doesn't get you friends, being social does. Go to societies, that's the biggest thing that's made me friends. If you smoke make a habit of asking people for a light. 
You're honestly coming across as whingey and servile. I'm not sure how you present in real life, but don't go out of your way to help others unless it's a dire situation. Your time is valuable. Spend it within. People don't like overly helpful people, it can run the gamut from creepy to needy. 
Being social is simply talking to other people. Don't push straight away for numbers but if you see someone around who looks interesting, chat to them when you see them. That allows things to grow naturally. 

As for your mood depending heavily on other people... Fours tend to want the validation of their unique self to be forefront. Are you listening to people because you like listening to people or because you're hoping they'll listen to you?


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## Cast (Dec 20, 2016)

@itselly would it be possible for you to take some time off? If you're stuck in this negative circle, it could help you to change perspective. Just relax, recharge and think about something else for a while. I took a week off when it was happening to me and it really helped me.


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## Antiloop (Feb 10, 2014)

Hm. It sounds like they consider you a friend if they invite you to things. Perhaps you're over-analyzing things, and it really isn't as bad as you believe. Perhaps you're depressed, but not because of your classmates but for another reason. I don't know. I can understand going to a school counselor is embarrassing, but I think they can help figure things out. Also, regardless of how you handle this, remember that college isn't forever.


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## itselly (Jun 6, 2015)

Cast said:


> Why it's so important for you to have friends in your class?
> Maybe you're just not right for each other. You can't click with everyone and that's perfectly fine -


I sometimes think about that, but then I ask myself : "then why am I almost the only completely loner/quiet girl in our class?, "if most of my classmates can communicate with eachother & seem normal & I'm loner & ignored or disliked, then there's probably something wrong with me!"
"Maybe I'm abnormal & my classmates have the right to dislike me or avoid/ignore me?"

"If someone observes our class, he/she will realize that I'm the abnormal & worthless one, as I'm almost always alone & ignored!"

Those thoughts...they ruin me everyday!
Sometimes I'm in the class, sitting alone playing with my cellphone, & I look at different sides & see that most of my classmates are talking in different parts of the class. It breaks my heart & makes me feel so lonely & abnormal!




Cast said:


> When they won't tell you what they were wispering about, it's not nice, but maybe they're not comfortable sharing personal matters with you.


Another question that I ask myself in my mind. "What makes them feel more comfy around that person? & what makes them not feel comfy/safe around me?" Cuz some of them are not close friends, but I see them doing that alot!)




Cast said:


> The ones that don't answer your texts might not be interested in becoming friends...
> Classmates can stay just classmates -
> maybe you're simply in the wrong environment.


I really want to think like that too! That this hardship will one day be over & that If I go to another environment, I can seem normal & act normal, find friends & become happy again!
But sometimes, I worry about future & think "what if my situation is permanent? What if I'm generally an abnormal & uninteresting person? What if there's no solution?"

But I hope it happens!


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## itselly (Jun 6, 2015)

Hellfire said:


> Are you listening to people because you like listening to people or because you're hoping they'll listen to you?


Generally a bit of both. Depends on the person too. But mostly the 2nd one.


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## .DG (Feb 27, 2017)

itselly said:


> Another question that I ask myself in my mind. "What makes them feel more comfy around that person? & what makes them not feel comfy/safe around me?" Cuz some of them are not close friends, but I see them doing that alot!)




I mean, do you just casually whisper secrets to people you don't know very well? What would you do if you were whispering something to a friend and some random person came up and asked you what you were whispering about? People might avoid you if you just weirdly interject yourself into private/personal matters like that. There is a right way and a wrong way to try to initiate conversation with people. And that, my friend, is one of the wrong ways.

Look, I'm going to be honest with you here. I may not be the best at giving out advice on this matter since I've always been a loner, but here are some things that have helped me in life.

1. Realize that people aren't looking at you/concerning themselves with you as much as you'd think. People are naturally self-focused creatures. While this may seem depressing at first, it's actually very freeing when you put it into perspective. What this means is that people most likely aren't speaking to you not because they are avoiding you or because they dislike you, but because they don't pay attention to you in the first place. They more than likely aren't judging you for anything. When I first noticed this, it was actually pretty freeing. I became VERY comfortable sitting by myself at lunch, giving presentations in front of a large audience, etc! People have their own thoughts and worries, and they most likely don't involve actively disliking or judging you.

2. Join a club on campus. And not just one of those clubs where you sit there and don't really do anything. Try to join one that will force to you to interact with others. One that is activity-based works best imo. Again, I never made any best friends this way and still never hung out with people outside of the club, but it was extremely fulfilling and gave me plenty of social interaction. I liked the people and the people seemed to like me. You may or may not gain a long-lasting friendship out of it, but it doesn't mean that you won't have meaningful interactions with people. Give it a shot.


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## itselly (Jun 6, 2015)

ElusiveFeather said:


> My situation was pretty similar and I still am a big loner but after a long battle with my pride, I've finally accepted it.
> 
> I finished school last year and I'm currently getting a art portfolio together for college. I was pretty much the school loner. I had friends in primary school (an INTJ, an ESFP and an ENFP) but the secondary school that we went to put you into classes depending on your aptitude test. I scored highly on it, the ENFP scored poorly and the other two scored well. So we were all put into 3 different classes.
> 
> ...


Thanks a lot for sharing your story! Made me feel more normal !
Idk if most ISFPs are like that or not, but I could relate to most of it! I hope you make good friends too! But sometimes having no friends is better than having toxic friends!

Besides, I guess I should give the "pokemon go" a try too!:wink:


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## ElusiveFeather (Dec 29, 2016)

itselly said:


> Thanks a lot for sharing your story! Made me feel more normal !
> Idk if most ISFPs are like that or not, but I could relate to most of it! I hope you make good friends too! But sometimes having no friends is better than having toxic friends!
> 
> Besides, I guess I should give the "pokemon go" a try too!:wink:


Thanks for reading it. It was great to unload it. I had to stop myself crying a few times as some memories came back to me. (I'm a wimp, I know) Very true!! 

I can't say I know any other ISFP's. I probably do but just don't realise it. 
Hah yes! Gotta catch 'em all ? XD


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## Cast (Dec 20, 2016)

@ElusiveFeather that was such an eye-opening read. The "I'm not alooooooooooooone!" enlightening. Thanks


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## RocketSurgeon (Mar 22, 2017)

itselly,

I know how you feel. In fact, I think a lot of people know how you feel..._Way_ more people than you realize. There are so many people who have been through the exact same thing--being the so-called _outcast_ in the corner who is just _different_ for some reason. I've been through it, and I imagine a lot of people reading and posting in this thread have been through it.

And yes, it's awful. It really hurts to feel like people don't like or want you. I've experienced several types of pain in my life, but loneliness is one I can never get used to.

I was picked on relentlessly growing up, and I was rejected constantly in college. I had a few friends, sure, but for the most part they only hung out with me out of convenience. They certainly don't care to keep up with me now that we've graduated and parted ways!

But you have to think about something: what will your life be like in five years? Ten years? Even though right now feels like eternity, you have to remember that _this too shall pass._ Your situation is temporary. Right now it's tempting to think that you'll _never_ have friends because you don't have friends right now. That is absolutely, one hundred percent *false!* You will have friends. Oh, you'll have fantastic friends. They won't be like the friends you would have now; the friends you'll have in the future will care about you for _who you are_, not how they can use you. They'll honestly, truly want to help you become the best person you can be, and you'll help them the same way.

I was always a little more mature than my peers (though I didn't realize it at the time, and I know that sounds condescending). I imagine you're the same way; those around you are still trying to learn basic friendship and bonding skills, hence the cliques and exclusion, while you're looking for something deeper and more fulfilling. It very likely _isn't_ that there's "something wrong with you."

In fact, I went through that same thought cycle for a long time. I was absolutely convinced that I had Asperger's Syndrome and that it explained all my exclusion and loneliness. Now that I'm a little older, I realize that my parents had just instilled values in me that weren't compatible with my peers at the time. They wanted to party, and I wanted emotional fulfillment.

You'll find, as you get older, that the people around you gradually start to act more mature. They start to experience their own forms of sorrow and rejection. They start to realize the hurtful things they've done in the past and the awful ways they treated other people. In fact, it's very likely that your peers will be thinking about you many years from now, wishing they had treated you more kindly.

I always hated the advice that people gave me: "Keep on trying!" "Don't give up!" "It gets better when you're older!" It always felt so completely out of touch; after all, _they_ were happy and could easily say stupid things like that. The funny thing is that they were actually right. As time goes on, most people grow up and become kinder or at least more understanding. It has to do with the way your brain's neocortex develops--basically, people become less like selfish animals and more like people by their mid to late 20s, give or take.

So I'm going to repeat the advice to you that I hated so much: don't give up. Keep trying. You're doing great. You'll be very thankful you went through it later. It seems awful now, but if you keep as good an attitude as you can, you'll build a very strong foundation for a successful, fulfilling, loving life. It looks like the complete opposite right now, but that's the funny thing about life: appearances can be deceiving, and circumstances constantly change. Look for the positive in every situation, even if it's not much, and be thankful for the things you _do_ have. The rest will fall into place shortly if you just keep trying.


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## atamagasuita (May 15, 2016)

Study psychology more and apply it to yourself and to others. 

Or maybe stop thinking. 

And stop giving a shit.

And try to do what makes you happy rather than force yourself to fit in.


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## itselly (Jun 6, 2015)

@RocketSurgeon , inspiring story, Thanks alot. It kinda helps to know I'm not alone in this (though I do feel sorry for ppl who go through these kinds of things!).

Thinking that this situation is not going to last forever, & that one day I'm going to have friends, is very soothing.

But when I go through everyday life at college & face all the problems from day to day, I forget it & lose my hope. & those situations truly make me sad.

Sometimes I think, what if the situation changes but I find out that I'm not the same person again?!? What if I become a depressed & reserved person forever due to my emotional wounds?!?

__________________________

But like I said, I'll try my best to remember what you said & that other ppl go through it too & hope that I have a good future with good friends...

But for now, I guess I have to focus on dealing with being lonely & I have to get used to it & even like it.
Maybe I should stop actively trying to talk to my classmates & making friends with them.

Maybe this is the thing that causes more pain for me. I think I should be more independent & talk to them less & try not to join their cliques/friends groups when they don't seem interesred. (to make sure I don't look clingy or needy).


Maybe, I have to learn to love being lonely & be more independent...

so, Thanks alot for your help! I hope I find good friends after college !erc3:


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## itselly (Jun 6, 2015)

(Part 2)...However, sometimes my family makes things worse for me. By mentioning my friends (friends that I don't have!)

For example ; one day, my mom & I were eating out, things were going fine until she said ; "what a nice place, you should have your birthday party there this time & invite your friends (classmates) there...

Or I was talking about how I'll have to go back to college with my broken foot in about a week, & she said : "don't worry, your friends will help you if you need help."

& ...
__________________
In both situations I told "myself" ; what friends? No one likes me there. No one sees me! They would probably talk about it behind my back, but I know, no one would help!


In these kinds of situations, it's really hard to think about positive things. It can even turn a so-so day into hell for me! It kills my mood everytime someone mentions friends (that I don't have!) I feel ashamed of that.


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## charlie.elliot (Jan 22, 2014)

@itselly - Ah man, I so feel you. I had a similar situation this semester- previously, I had a group of 3 or 4 friends who I always sat next to in class. We had several classes back to back, so we always chatted in between each class and I always treasured those times. Those people were the only people who really understood what was I was going through in school, since they were in the same program- I couldn't talk about these things with anyone else.

This semester, due to my own foolishness, I signed up for a different class, for some random reason, even though I _knew_ all my friends were in the other class.... (it's even worse knowing it was my fault!)... On the first day of school, I was momentarily relieved, because a different friend walked in to my first 2 classes, and I was happy because I thought "all I need is _one_ friend in this class..." But then she ended up having to drop out of school! 

In my second 2 classes, I have one friend, and it's been great because I've gotten a lot closer to her, but there are many times when I still really miss my other friends. Especially knowing they're all together without me! It's such a hollow feeling. Sometimes I see them in the hallways and sometimes we hang out outside of school.. but its not he same as having someone to talk to when you're going the stress of school and you want someone who just understands everything without you having to explain.....

The silver lining is that I have been talking to a lot of people in my classes who I was never really interested in talking to before, who I don't consider friends.... it's pushed me out of my comfort zone, and that's good. I've actually enjoyed talking to some of those new people. Sometimes you find someone really cool or really funny where you'd least expect them. I now feel closer to the group as a whole, since I'm not just sticking with the same 4 or 5 people.


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## itselly (Jun 6, 2015)

@charlie.elliot, so happy to hear you have finally found friends.

Whenever I try to make friends with alot of ppl, they make new cliques & as I stay alone & feel left out!

However, I have a similar experience, when I first entered college, I made friends with anothor girl, but soon after that she decided to change her college to be more near her hometown. After that, I wasn't really successful at making friends.

For some reason everyone I befriend, leaves the town haha!:wink:
I had one good friend outside of college, but she moved to another city...


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## itselly (Jun 6, 2015)

NEW POST ;■■■■■>>>>>>Sorry but may I ask a question ;
((((●Please read it if you have time)))

_______________________________________

This group of girls in my college class act in a weird way towards me.
They almost always exclude me whenever they go out, sign up for different classes, eat out, party outdoors or in a restaurant for special occasions...

They only invite me when they have a birthday party "at their own place"!

It really hurts.



As an example, a couple of months ago I was invited to "F's" birthday party at her apartment.
I decided to go, in order to get closer to them, seem friendly & show that I care!

However, a month ago, her friend & roommate (AKA our classmate="B") had a birthday party in a restaurant but she didn't invite me.

I found it out through pictures & social media. Even a not so close classmate "& her roommate" were invited, but I wasn't !
At that time, I felt terrible, & got really depressed for a while. But I tried to convince myself that it was all probably a misunderstanding & kept quiet.


However, yesterday, I found out that "F" (the girl who invited me to her birthday a couple of months ago) is throwing an engagement party in a restaurant & I was not invited!!!

I found out from others talking about it, & then after that from pictures & social media...
(Also, they went camping today, & didn't tell me & I found out by social media!)
Both of them really made me depressed & heartbroken.


●●the issue is that our other classmate ("D") is throwing her birthday party tomorrow & in their apartment (F, B & D are roommates) & I'm invited!

_________________________________________

At first I wanted to go (in order to seem friendly & get closer to them). But when I found out that F hasn't invited me to her engagement party, things changed.


I became extremely depressed & heartbroken.
Idk what we are to eachother anymore.
I'm so angry & disappointed. I sometimes feel like they only invite me to their house bday parties just to get bday presents! Idk!

I went to their parties to get closer to them, & to show that I'm their friend & they can count on me!
But now I see no improvement "after all these years!"

___________________________________________
I have two questions!!!


1)Should I go to D's birthday party? Or it's atoxic or one way friendship & I have to forget about these girls?
Is loneliness at college better that this relationship?
Should I not know them as my friends?



2)I'm going to have a presentation (lecture) in our class next week. But now, I'm so depressed & stressed out. 
I kinda feel like nobody there likes me & nobody cares about me (or that everyone hates me!). 
So I have no energy & tons of stress. What if I scr€w up? What If they don't listen? What if I get a panic attack there?



So...What should I do?


BTW, sorry it's too long! I really am! But It's very important to me!
Thanks!


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## The Impossible Girl (Apr 10, 2017)

Just get on with your lesson. Having no friends to distract can actually be a good thing. You'll be able to just focus on your work primarily and could end up having a brighter future than one with distractions.



> 2)I'm going to have a presentation (lecture) in our class next week. But now, I'm so depressed & stressed out.
> I kinda feel like nobody there likes me & nobody cares about me (or that everyone hates me!).
> So I have no energy & tons of stress. What if I scr€w up? What If they don't listen? What if I get a panic attack there?


Your professor is going to be the one marking you, right? At least you don't have to be worried about embarrassing yourself in front of your friends. You just need to stay calm. Think of it as a way for people to see you for who you are. I doubt they'll hate you (if they don't care about you, they won't care enough to have strong feelings like hate towards you). Unless you become friends with these people, you won't even see them again once you graduate. What's the point of worrying about people that don't matter to you?
I'm assuming that you all have presentations next week? They'll be worrying about themselves more than what you're saying. If anything, they'll be interested and want to know you better. Stay calm, take deep breaths. Pretend that they're a) future friends, or b) don't exist/aren't even there.


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## Marshy (Apr 10, 2016)

itselly said:


> NEW POST ;■■■■■>>>>>>Sorry but may I ask a question ;
> ((((●Please read it if you have time)))
> 
> _______________________________________
> ...


I highly recommend you show up to the engagement party anyways. They'll be pleasantly surprised and love to have you there. The more they are around you the more they'll see youre a great person and would be disappointed they made the mistake of shunning you.Right?


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## itselly (Jun 6, 2015)

I couldn't go to the engagement party (cuz I wasn't invited & I knew the party will be at a restaurant, but didn't know where!)

However, D's birthday party will be tomorrow, & Idk if I should go or not. 

I myself wish that I could stay home & not go.
Why?

1)because of my broken foot (it was broken about a month ago, but I still can't walk correctly & can't dance!) So, I'm afraid of going to her party & hurting my foot!)

2)I know it was "F's" engagement party & she was the one who didn't invite me! & last month, it was "B" who didn't invite me to her birthday party.
I know it wasn't "D's" fault. But she's their roommate. They will be there too. I kinda can't be happy around ppl who didn't invite me to their paty & didn't even care.

3)All ppl who will be there tomorrow have at least one friend. I have no friends in our class, & I'm an introvert, So I will probably still feel left out.



○From one way I think @Marshy14 was right & I should go in order to prove I'm friendly & caring.

○But from another way, It's very hard for me to go (because of those reasons!)
Plus, I have tried to become their friend before too. But they still act that way toward me!
((I went to F's birthday party but she didn't invite me to her engagement party)).

The problem is that they show mixed signals. They sometimes invite me to their house (birthday) parties & I think I have found some friends.
& then they exclude me, keep secrets from me, don't imclude me at college, don't invite me to outdoors or restaurant parties, etc.

Idk if I should protect myself from them or not...



I didn't want to go, but she (D) called me a few hours ago cuz she had a question to ask, & at the end she said she will see me at her birthday party tomorrow.

I couldn't say that I'm not going.

Should I call her tomorrow & tell her that I'm not going?
Should I go?


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## Marshy (Apr 10, 2016)

Oh


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## Cast (Dec 20, 2016)

You're overthinking it. You want to go to D's party and spend some time with her? Then go. She clearly sounds interested in you, don't throw away this chance. You don't want to go because you're not interested in parties? Then don't go and find an excuse that won't offend D.
But you shouldn't let her roommates' presence dictate wether you go or not. You're giving them the power to make you heartbroken and depressed. Who _are_ they to make you feel so? Some random classmates. Maybe they're not interested in your friendship, and... that's ok. You don't have to beg for friendship. I'm sure they had no intention of hurting you when they didn't invite you -maybe they thought you wouldn't be interested, maybe they wanted to spend some time alone with other people, maybe they're not interested in your company at parties... whatever. It sounds like you're emotionally investing a lot in your relationship with these classmates (wanting to show them you're a friend, they can count on you etc)... but they're not reciprocicating. It happens. But D seems genuinely interested in your company, so why shouldn't you go to her party?

I think it might be useful to analyze your behaviour as if you were F or B. Maybe you did something "wrong" (merely something they didn't like) that seemed to push them away. Sometimes we involuntarily seem aloof and cold, even arrogant, while we're actually feeling shy and overwelmed. Other times, we can seem indiscreet and inappropriate, because we're trying "too much" to engage with people. Personally, I find myself to be much more friendly and pleasant when I actually _don't care_ what people will think of me, not trying to make friends at all costs etc.


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## sicksadworlds (May 4, 2015)

@itselly I can relate to you so much, and everyone in this thread who feels like this, I too have felt so left out, all my life, people never cared enough to stick by my side, i was always invisible, it didn't affect me as a teenager but now as an young adult and in college it started to affect me that i didn't make friends during school and because i'm quiet and shy and my life isn't that interesting so i never really had things to talk about, and in college is the same thing, i hate birthdays because almost no one remembers me or care enough to wish me a happy birthday..

Anyway, there are days that it doesn't really bother me but there are others that i cry so hard about it and it's been like this for years, i feel lonely and misunderstood, i shouldn't feel like this because i have this one person who really loves me and care about me, but he's the only person that feels this way about me and he has his own friends too and i feel bad that i feel jealous about it because i wanted to have my group of close friends too


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## itselly (Jun 6, 2015)

@sicksadworlds , I know it would probably sound meaningless to you, but I'm sorry you've gone through this...

I totally get this invisibility thing. & I also didn't care much as s teen, I was kinda better at making friends back then.

Now, college seems like hell to me & I have no friends there. Everytime I go to bday parties for making friends but I just sit in a corner & no one pays attention to me there. Ppl (these girls) talk, laugh & dance but No one comes to talk to me. I just sit there or dance awkwardly IF I FIND some ppl to dance with; & I wait & wait until I can actually go home. the next day I go to class & look invisible again.
They go to different places together & exclude me, keep secrets, etc...
As if they had invited me to their bday party just to be polite!
That sucks...


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## Cast (Dec 20, 2016)

itselly said:


> @sicksadworlds , I know it would probably sound meaningless to you, but I'm sorry you've gone through this...
> 
> I totally get this invisibility thing. & I also didn't care much as s teen, I was kinda better at making friends back then.
> 
> ...


If you just sit in a corner and wait for people to talk to you, no one will ever come. People engage with those who look approachable: if you just sit all alone and don't try to interact, you seem unapproachable, distant and cold. You shouldn't wait for people to pay attention to you and come to talk... if they're having fun together, no one will part from the group and try to engage with the girl who seems to ignore them. Maybe that's why they don't invite you anymore: they think you're not interested.
Those girls are probably close friends, that's why they hang out and spend time together. They're not keeping secrets from you: they're talking to friends about things they want to keep for themselves.
They probably don't even _know_ you're so interested in making friends with them. It's a common problem for shy people, but it's up to you to overcome it.


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## atamagasuita (May 15, 2016)

Admit that you're a loser. XD


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## sicksadworlds (May 4, 2015)

Cast said:


> If you just sit in a corner and wait for people to talk to you, no one will ever come. People engage with those who look approachable: if you just sit all alone and don't try to interact, you seem unapproachable, distant and cold. You shouldn't wait for people to pay attention to you and come to talk... if they're having fun together, no one will part from the group and try to engage with the girl who seems to ignore them. Maybe that's why they don't invite you anymore: they think you're not interested.
> Those girls are probably close friends, that's why they hang out and spend time together. They're not keeping secrets from you: they're talking to friends about things they want to keep for themselves.
> They probably don't even _know_ you're so interested in making friends with them. It's a common problem for shy people, but it's up to you to overcome it.


Unfortunately this is the harsh truth. I know I can't expect people to approach me because I know I seem unapproachable because I have social anxiety so I avoid people but at the same time I wish I would interact with them. It took me a long time to realize maybe people don't talk to me because I don't make it clear that I wish they would. But it still bothers me anyway.


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