# Submissive or Dominant ?



## Teal (Oct 7, 2014)

So...are you submissive or dominant? Sexually speaking or just in general i suppose they go hand n hand


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## Morfy (Dec 3, 2013)

I am very submissive sexually speaking. I love being dominated and it's like the hottest thing ever.


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## aendern (Dec 28, 2013)

I very much related to Christian Grey when he would scold [insert girl character's name here] for touching him. 

I don't like being touched, either. Sex or no sex, I don't like to be touched.

I feel like a strong internal aggression about me when I think about sex. I have a strong desire to just like be really rough with someone. 

Like just slam them against a wall and have my way with them.

I think about violent things a lot when I think about sex. I'm not a violent person in any way. I abhor violence. But something about violence during sex, to me, is so hot for some reason. (the idea of it, thinking about it)

I think bondage would be really fun. As long as the other person was the one in the bonds.


okay maybe tmi. shield your eyes children.


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## Teal (Oct 7, 2014)

My girlfriends an infp, she loves being submissive aswell..but the problem is so do i so >.< it kinda sucks


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## Swede (Apr 2, 2013)

Teal said:


> So...are you submissive or dominant? Sexually speaking or just in general i suppose they go hand n hand


Actually, not necessarily. It is not uncommon for people who have significant professional responsibilities that require great leadership potential to be submissive. 
Why? One theory is that this type of people often need an area in their life where they can relax, let go and give the power and control to someone else (consensually, of course), and not have to be the one to steer and make decisions for once - just being allowed to be.

I am extremely driven in my career and in my personal life. I am very focused, organized, and independent - a keep-it-together type person and a feminist. 
But sexually, I am most definitely a submissive - I have always been, as far back as I can recall. Early childhood/teen fantasies were often related to kidnapping, being tied up, being forced and as a young woman, I dated very dominant/domineering men. The problem is that they wanted to dominate me outside of the bedroom as well, and that does not work for me. At all.

What attracts me to BDSM and submission is what I described in the first segment in this post. I also suspect the following:
- BDSM requires a very open communication, well established boundaries and trust. Both parties need to know the other party well, but more importantly, they need to be aware of their own needs and desires and be capable of verbalizing those. A lot of this goes against my nature, but it's something that I desire deep down.
- The fact that I am, by society's standards, a very 'masculine' woman (INTJ: stoic, independent, logical, etc). Personally, I think that I need a partner who can make me feel feminine, safe and well taken care of if needed.

I suspect that if I had been aware of BDSM in my 20s, my life would have looked very different today. Not necessarily better, but different. My past would definitely have looked better though.


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## Surreal Snake (Nov 17, 2009)

Dominant


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## Swede (Apr 2, 2013)

Surreal Snake said:


> Dominant


Dangit! I knew it!


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## Mr. Demiurge (Jun 18, 2014)

Dominant. There's a whole lot of BDSM related stuff that does absolutely nothing for me, but is being in a dominant position over a real or masturbation-fantasy sexual partner a massive turn-on? Yep. I can't remember the last time I had a sexual fantasy that didn't involve me in a dominant position of one sort or another. 

Yet outside of that area, I'm a borderline anarchist with a strong aversion to either controlling or being controlled. I suspect there is often an inverse correlation between one's values and the things that turn them on. Nothing wrong with that as long as it remains in fantasy.


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## Teal (Oct 7, 2014)

interesting guys seems like more dom that have voted atleast


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## Judas (Aug 11, 2010)

sexually speaking, dominant.. in general life and romance as well =)


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## Tetsuo Shima (Nov 24, 2014)

Vengeful.

I start off on the bottom and end up on top.


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## Aelthwyn (Oct 27, 2010)

how about neither. I don't like others controlling me and I don't like telling others what to do - not in any aspect of life. (sexually speaking any forcefulness of either party does not seem loving and is thus very much Not 'hot'). I _*hate*_ any situation where I feel like one person or the other is being pushy, aggressive, or domineering. Directing or pushing others does not feel like me and I hate myself in the rare cases where I have to take charge. But I strongly resent and resist and avoid any situation where someone is trying to direct me as well, it reeeeeally rubs me wrong, I will only comply if I actually want to do something or think it's a good choice, and even then just the fact that the other person thinks they're making me makes me not want to do it even if it's the best thing, so.... yeah no, neither.


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## Zeta Neprok (Jul 27, 2010)

Aelthwyn said:


> how about neither. I don't like others controlling me and I don't like telling others what to do - not in any aspect of life. (sexually speaking any forcefulness of either party does not seem loving and is thus very much Not 'hot'). I _*hate*_ any situation where I feel like one person or the other is being pushy, aggressive, or domineering. Directing or pushing others does not feel like me and I hate myself in the rare cases where I have to take charge. But I strongly resent and resist and avoid any situation where someone is trying to direct me as well, it reeeeeally rubs me wrong, I will only comply if I actually want to do something or think it's a good choice, and even then just the fact that the other person thinks they're making me makes me not want to do it even if it's the best thing, so.... yeah no, neither.


This is exactly how I feel too. I am absolutely terrible at telling people what to do because I despise it so much. I'm OK with explaining why doing something might be beneficial but ultimately I don't want to make someone feel uncomfortable. Just the same if someone is pushy and bossing me around I tend to be mostly patient with it but for only a very short time. I generally find bossy domineering behaviour to be insufferable.


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## xrypto (Jul 2, 2013)

Dominant in my personal life, mostly submissive in my sex life.


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## ArBell (Feb 10, 2014)

Dom in life, sub in bed. As long as he knows what he's doing of course...


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## Strelok (Aug 16, 2013)

Swede said:


> I suspect that if I had been aware of BDSM in my 20s, my life would have looked very different today. Not necessarily better, but different. My past would definitely have looked better though.


How/why?


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## CitricBoxer (Jan 3, 2015)

I always find it interesting how often people who are in control in the persona/professional life tend to be submissive in their sexual life. It makes sense that it's a "let somebody else take the reins" kind of thing, but it's still fascinating.



Aelthwyn said:


> how about neither. I don't like others controlling me and I don't like telling others what to do -


This is it on the nose.

Somebody else telling me what to do: "Get the fuck off my case. If I don't know what's going on, I'll ask you."

Telling somebody else what to do: "Every second I'm spending directing you is a second I'm not spending doing the shit I need to get done."

edit: I'm also very wary of being "dominant" in bed because I have to watch myself in order to not hurt my partner, and when I'm self-conscious the entire time like that, it's not very fun. I did learn the proper technique for slapping someone's face during sex, and it was interesting to understand the mechanics, but I don't think I'll ever be practicing it.


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## Swede (Apr 2, 2013)

Strelok said:


> How/why?


Well, that is a pretty good question and also a tricky one to answer, since there are so many levels of complexity. I mean, everything in a person's life is intermeshed - you can't separate who you are from what you live or the other way around. 

Basically, think butterfly effect within your own life, or parallel universe/life based on your choices. This is why I say that things would have been different, not necessarily better - the fact is that we can't predict how our choices will impact us and we will never know the depth of the impact after the fact either.

Generally speaking I believe that if you fight or deny who you are, chances are that you will not get what you need. It's logical to me.

If this doesn't really answer your question, feel free to expand on your thoughts and I'll try to be more specific (even though I think that I gave a couple of very specific/personal answers in my OP, tbh.)


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## Sygma (Dec 19, 2014)

Dominant. Altho I like to switch roles here and then


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## wums (Nov 25, 2013)

Neither, really? Hmm, I don't think I can be controlled and I don't care to be controlling. I mostly respond to levels of desire in an appropriate fashion.


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