# cuddle bun's training log of death and destruction



## cuddle bun

I signed up for a crossfit gym about 3 weeks ago and I want to log my workouts somewhere. I see some other training logs here so why not here 

I know there are plenty of people who bash on crossfit and I am aware of why people bash it (an injury-prone sport, so much focus on AMRAPs that form starts to suffer, lower weight / higher rep schemes not the best way to build strength, lack of periodization) etc etc blah blah blah - but I actually find the crossfit gym very well suited to all my personal goals at the moment. In no particular order my goals are:


make friends in real life without driving too far (crossfit gym is 5 minutes away from me)
have fun and get out of the house more often
stress relief, anger management, a productive outlet for my aggression 
well-rounded general fitness - some strength and some cardio - without needing to be a specialist in either
enough cardio to be able to run from zombies during zombie apocalypse
enough lower body strength to carry wounded loved ones to safety during zombie apocalypse
enough lower body strength to lift heavy objects off of wounded loved ones during zombie apocalypse
enough upper body strength to eventually do a muscle-up; to get above the zombies during zombie apocalypse
aesthetic body recomposition while staying about the same weight - a little more muscle and a little less fat
wearing my favorite size 27 low rise jeans without the minor lower back muffin top (at the moment they look fine with a loose top, but not with a tighter top, and I want the option to wear either and still look badass)

I am also a big fan of trigger point release for injury prevention and alignment. I will try to log that too when I remember. before crossfit I was sedentary for more than a year, and before that I was doing powerlifting for a few years. And self-injury-prevention is a fascinating topic where I made a lot of progress learning. So that's what I am starting with... weak physically after being sedentary for a very long time but I still have some injury prevention knowledge left over.

go go go 

:hampster:


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## cuddle bun

this is what the box has planned for me later today........

1. mobility/warmup stuff

2. deadlifts
1x5 @ 50%
1x3 @ 75%
1x2 @ 85%
1x1 @ 90-95%

3. WOD
Thrusters (which is like an explosive front squat that turns into overhead press)
Chest to bar pullups (which we will scale somehow since I can't do even 1 chin to bar pullup yet.)




today's posted workout actually makes me nervous because I think I have not been doing this long enough to do a 95% deadlift single. Like last Friday I did 95lb deadlifts and the Friday before that I did 85lb deadlifts. And I was incredibly sore in the hamstrings both times and I'm still working out the kinks there. So I haven't thought about going heavier on the deadlifts yet, and here were are with a near-max deadlift single on the schedule lol. So I am planning to ask the instructor and see if they want to modify today's plan for me since I'm new; I'm guessing they probably will


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## cuddle bun

also here's the trigger point release stuff that I needed to do in the 3 weeks or so since i started; was keeping this stuff in notepad but now I will log it here

trigger point release log

*pec doms after pushups*
> released pecs
> this seemed to improve my posture too

*left elbow could not straighten after first rope climb*
I was way too jerky with the descent the first time I attempted rope climb (the modified easy version with feet on the ground) and then a few hours later my elbow couldn't straighten - fixed same day though.
> released SCM, scalenes, pecs, biceps, triceps
> felt more jaw symmetry and less jaw clicking after releasing SCM
> after releasing triceps, my elbow could straighten	
> SCM quickly tightened up again; need to revisit that

*could not touch toes after 85lb deadlifts*
with tenderness deep under the medial hamstrings
> released hamstrings first, but was unsuccessful
> compression band on hamstrings helps only for a few minutes

*clicking in shoulder when raising arm overhead*
> released lats and external rotator cuff; very satisfying
> tenderness between scapula and clavicle; not released yet

*still couldn’t touch toes more than 1 week after 85lb deadlifts*
> released TFLs + medial glutes. suddenly fixed and I could touch my toes again.
> SI joint feels more mobile after this

and today..........
*tenderness along the left erectors in my back after L-sits (static hold with legs out), ab stuff, wall balls, dips*
> my plan is to try releasing abs and psoas and lats first; just a hunch based on trial and error in the past
> when my erectors complain it is rarely my erectors that need to be released.


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## VinnieBob

cuddle bun said:


> I signed up for a crossfit gym about 3 weeks ago and I want to log my workouts somewhere. I see some other training logs here so why not here
> 
> 
> 
> make friends in real life without driving too far
> 
> friends? plural for more than 1, does not compute
> have fun
> fun?, what is this fun you speak of
> 
> and get out of the house more often
> why?
> 
> stress relief, anger management, a productive outlet for my aggression
> 
> I relieve stress by bitch slapping people who piss me off, much more efficient and effective
> 
> well-rounded general fitness - some strength and some cardio - without needing to be a specialist in either
> 
> bitch slapping all day is very strenuous
> enough cardio to be able to run from zombies during zombie apocalypse
> 
> fuck the wounded, they can distract the zombies while I find safety
> run? fuck that, I'm gonna blow them right da fuck up
> 
> 
> enough lower body strength to carry wounded loved ones to safe:laughing:
> 
> 
> go go go


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## cuddle bun

Vinniebob said:


> friends? plural for more than 1, does not compute


lol 
:hampster:

human beans can be nice in groups too though. As long as I don't have to go through the effort of putting the group together. I actually enjoy the feeling of belonging to a tight group and being "one of the regulars" 



Vinniebob said:


> fun?, what is this fun you speak of


It's the fun of turning beet red in the face with extreme difficulty breathing, of course, lol



Vinniebob said:


> and get out of the house more often why?


this does have a serious answer ... I recently moved and also I work from home. It took a while but I eventually started to feel the effects of not interacting with any human beans at all ever. so now I'm fixing that 



Vinniebob said:


> I relieve stress by bitch slapping people who piss me off, much more efficient and effective. bitch slapping all day is very strenuous
> 
> fuck the wounded, they can distract the zombies while I find safety
> 
> run? fuck that, I'm gonna blow them right da fuck up


lolllllll
:hampster:


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## cuddle bun

July 14 2017

*pre-gym stuff*
- smashed medial glutes with ball
- smashed lats near the armpit and external rotator cuff with ball
I was trying to get rid of some tenderness in my left mid-back erectors, along with a feeling that my right shoulder was too high and my left shoulder was too low. That actually did help significantly but I feel like I probably need to revisit both the lats and the glutes. they are both horribly tight.

and then at the gym...

*warmup*
we did some light calisthenics stuff and stretches.

*deadlifts*
deadlift max test was on the schedule today and I know I said that I would try to talk my instructor out of that for me today since I have not been lifting for more than a year. But honestly I just changed my mind as soon as he started talking. I have no excuse. It's a togetherness thing I think. He mentioned putting our names on the chalkboard, and the urge to talk him out of it just left me. There's this chalkboard where everyone writes their current PRs.

Anyway....mine was 215lb conventional deadlift. lol I don't even lift. 
I am weak but I remembered enough technique stuff, and my arms are long enough, to do a 215.
At that point my double overhand grip was very challenged but not quite failing, and my lockout became a lot less snappy. We stopped there instead of going to failure.
But my name is on the chalkboard now and I am feeling the togetherness... yay!
:hampster:

*WOD*
for this we alternated thrusters and upper body pulling stuff in increasing set sizes with minimal breaks until 12 minutes were up. I got to 68 reps total. Thrusters felt too light for me at 45lb so I should probably go up in weight next time. Ring rows felt extremely difficult for me. Instructor changed my foot position midway through because I was failing reps with the ring rows.


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## cuddle bun

July 14, 2017

*boring self-care at home*
after yesterday's workout... 
> smashed my lats and glutes with a lacrosse ball and oversize tennis ball. both are having trouble relaxing.
> massaged left abs and left psoas with hands because I felt kind of twisted in my spine and pelvis; that allowed me to twist and pop 6 or 7 vertebrae joints plus my SI joint all back into place at the same time. very satisfying.

July 15, 2017

*partner workout *
we did relay-style AMRAPs - each block had an odd number of exercises and the partners alternate exercises (one person rests while the other person does an exercise)
block 1, 10 minutes: ring rows, box jumps, run
block 2, 12 minutes: ring rows, push press, box jumps, pushups, run
block 3, 15 minutes: ring rows, push press, box jumps, pushups, dumbbell thrusters, burpees, run
(my partner did pullups but I did ring rows because I can't do a pullup yet)

*body weight*
my average weight this week was 134.8 lb (I weigh in the evening, after I eat, with jeans & tshirt). height 5'4"
I hope to bring this number down just a tiny bit next week, like 0.2 pounds lower - wanting to be 3 or 4 pounds lighter for general badassery, but I don't need to do that quickly.


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## cuddle bun

Yesterday was rough. I feel like I went into debt physically so I could do the Saturday morning class because the partner format is so fun. Then it was like: which recovery problem do I deal with first?? The sleep deprivation, the psoas trigger points, the massive hunger, the caffeine withdrawal headache? I was overwhelmed.

I slept a lot yesterday and last night- maybe 16 hours total out of the last 24 hours. I ate a lot too. My evening weight was higher than usual but I believe I needed it.

The caffeine withdrawal headache yesterday is discouraging.... apparently having a white tea just 2 days in a row is too much for me; enough to give me withdrawal symptoms if I don't drink it again on the 3rd day. I know I am sensitive to caffeine but I didn't realize I was that sensitive. yikes.

Today I have one recovery problem left over to deal with. Ever since Thursday ab workout I have had that tenderness in my left erectors and a feeling that my pelvis is twisted on my spine again... which I think is probably caused by a tight psoas and tight abs up front because my attempts to work on other spots didn't help. Of course Friday deadlifts made it worse and then box jumps on Saturday didn't help either. Psoas is my least favorite muscle to massage but I know I need it. I have to do it on an empty stomach because it's so deep, otherwise I can't even find it. Yesterday I decided to eat and sleep first instead of working on it; knowing that caffeine withdrawal would make my muscles difficult to relax anyway. I did attempt to smash my glutes again with the ball a bit yesterday, which felt productive in the moment but they tightened right back up very quickly.

My best friend seemed upset that I didn't have as much energy as usual to talk to him yesterday. I'm not too far off from being upset about the same thing. 

so overall I'm a mess and glad today is another rest day. If I only do one thing today it would be to work on my psoas trigger points and if I do two things today it will be to take another nap.


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## cuddle bun

well...I made some progress identifying what to work on for the tenderness in my left erectors. When I press on my right psoas, near my lower right abs, I feel the same pain nerves lighting up in my left mid-back erectors. I was working on the left side every time I tried anything psoas-related in the past few days, which explains why I wasn't making good progress on it. The left side is tender too but pressing on my left psoas lights up the nerves in the right side of my back.

I feel overwhelmed today like 2 days off isn't enough to recover from the week; work and gym together just overwhelming. And overwhelmed about the psoas trigger point release task ahead of me because I can't even find that muscle except on an empty stomach - and I need to eat. I think I need to break up this psoas release task up into 15 minutes a day, first thing in the morning in bed before I get up or eat anything, until it feels better.

I did some stress eating today. 1 large bag of potato chips + 2 peanut butter chocolate cups that I saw at the grocery checkout and just wanted badly. I am not going to get on my case too badly about that; it happens. I think 5 days of crossfit last week might be too much for my body to handle at the moment. Aiming for 4 next week to see if I can feel less overwhelmed. I would like to get to the weekend with enough energy to talk to my best friend and clean my apartment and do a load of laundry; that's a good benchmark.


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## cuddle bun

one other thing I want to write down is how counterintuitive all of my trigger point release solutions have been in the last few weeks. Instead of releasing the muscle that's unable to stretch, I keep needing to release the muscle that directly opposes the one that can't stretch.

- can't straighten left elbow? I needed to release my left triceps

- can't touch my toes? I needed to release hip flexors (TFLs)

- can't stretch the left side of my back? I needed to release the right side of my abdomen

etc etc etc it's just happening too often for me to not notice. Next time something hurts I feel like I should jump straight to the least intuitive solution because that seems to be the pattern of the month.


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## cuddle bun

I feel like my journal needs a "before" picture because 2 of my goals are aesthetic... wanting a little more muscle and a little less fat, and wanting to improve that minor muffin top situation in this specific pair of jeans which I love.









Posting a "before" picture has all kinds of negative feelings associated with it ...like wanting to look different than I do currently, but also simultaneously feeling like I'm being too nitpicky about a perfectly good body. (If someone out there feels like getting on my case for being too nitpicky, have no fear, I'm already getting on my case about the same thing - lol.)

I hesitate to post a before picture on a day when I feel good because then I have to confront all those negative feelings. But today, I feel like my mood is already pretty bad. Taking a "before" picture won't make my mood worse. So there's really no better day to do this than today, and it might as well be on page 1 

Hoping to retake a picture in the same outfit in a few months to see if my muffin top situation has improved. I am a huge fan of body acceptance but I still just want to improve my muffin top situation 

In this picture I weigh 136 pounds (including clothes)


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## cuddle bun

tenderness in left erectors is almost gone after massaging my right psoas just twice - that is very encouraging. Yesterday when I found the spot I noticed a 70% improvement- this morning I revisited it around 5am and then went back to sleep - when I woke up I can't find the same pain.

I do want 4 crossfit days instead of 5 this week but the extra day off will not be today....looking at the schedule I see more ab exercises and and running and overhead squats. All that sounds very useful for me. if a day comes up that's mostly upper body pushing then that will be my extra day off; just felt like I've gotten too many pushing days and not enough pulling days the past few weeks.


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## cuddle bun

for the sake of completeness, here's one more "before" picture, in my other favorite jeans ...different jeans. This one shows why I mentioned feeling like I'm being too nitpicky sometimes. There are multiple ways to fix a muffin top, including the most obvious method, which is just wearing looser jeans with a slightly higher rise 

nevertheless... I still want to be a little less puffy. it's still a goal
:hampster:


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## cuddle bun

*boring self-care*

More psoas release today around noon and some ab release too; I waited to eat and drink today so I could do more of that. Most annoying muscles to release ever and I'm sure I'll need to revisit it. But the pain/tenderness in my left erectors is totally gone so it really hit the spot.

July 17, 2017 WOD

*warmup*
some burpees, jumping jacks, situps, air squats...I don't remember exactly.

*ab stuff*
8-minute EMOM - alternating leg raises with superman holds. the leg raises feel very difficult for me.

*WOD*
5 rounds for time. 1 round = 400 meter run + 15 overhead squats. My time was 23 minutes.
This looks like a leg workout, but it was actually more of a "cardio + not dropping shit on my head when I'm dead from cardio" workout.  

Either way, it felt very useful and it really hit the spot. I talked about anger management in my first post and I really needed that today. I don't feel like thinking or writing about it any more, but I wrote about it in the INTJ venting thread before I left for crossfit class. There's nothing like a good cardio wod to make me feel like I have exited the world completely and rejoined it in a different state of mind. I needed that.

- - - -

Overhead squat is a new movement to me and today was my first time doing it with more than just the PVC pipe. 
So I started with the 15lb bar and that felt challenging at first but on the 3rd set I felt like I was kind of getting the hang of it. I came back from my 3rd run wanting to add more weight. My sets were 15lb, 15lb, 20lb, 25lb, 30lb. Then at the end the instructor wanted me to try 35lb x 1, so I did and got that too. I almost (jokingly) wrote 35lb overhead squat on the chalkboard...I know it's pathetic baby weight but I was proud of learning something new to me.


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## cuddle bun

I know I said I would aim for 4 days of crossfit this week but I changed my mind. It'll be 5 again... Mon-Tue-Wed-Fri-Sat. Just being honest; this week it's because my client is a jerk and crossfit is more fun that sitting around daydreaming about punching her.

Actually's she's no longer my client now because I flat-out told the project manager that I would politely decline any work from this person in the future. Sleeping on it didn't change my mind about that, so I just went ahead and said it. Turns out I am not the only person who was thinking the exact same thing. Glad I said it. Now that that's taken care of, I have the urge to go turn beet red in the face and do stuff that exceeds my capacity to breathe.


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## cuddle bun

July 18, 2017 WOD

*warmup*
6 minutes of running, air squats, pushups, kettlebell swings

*overhead press*
one arm overhead press - we were supposed to do 3 sets of 10
I had trouble with failing reps - I did some sets of 9 with 20lb, then sets of 6 with 20lb, then sets of 8 with 15lb, then one more set with 15lb but the instructor stopped me to move to the next exercise

*muscle-up technique practice*
we practiced muscle-up transitions on the gymnastics rings.
for me, this was scaled with feet on the floor: a ring row that turns into a jump and hold.
EMOM - alternating 40 seconds of muscle up transitions, followed by kipping practice on the pullup bar.
kipping practice was just the lower end of the movement - chest out and then hollow hold x 10

*WOD*
3 rounds for time.
1 round = either 30 double unders or 90 single unders (jump rope), followed by 15 burpees, followed by 5 heavy cleans.
My clean weight was 93lb. My time was 12:05.
Instructor was very helpful figuring out which weight I should use because clean is a pretty new movement to me - he still wanted it to be very challenging but possible to keep good form right after the cardio stuff, and it was.

*after WOD*
instructor said we could do accessory stuff and I wanted to work on my pullup
I can't do a strict pullup yet but I did about 5 negatives.
and then he came over and showed me how to do a kipping pullup and I was successful doing one of those! might be useful in zombie apocalypse so I was proud. I wrote that on the chalkboard 



*oh I almost forgot*
right before this WOD I walked for about 1 hour and 50 minutes, to get my mind off of work. My feet are tired and my legs were stained totally blue like a smurf because I was walking in jeans and it was hot, and they bled indigo all over me. I did somehow manage to wash that off after I changed into shorts for crossfit class 

and I don't even remember what happened at work today so apparently this effort was a huge success. I feel great


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## cuddle bun

July 19, 2017 WOD

*pre-gym stuff*
I went early to class and spent about 20 minutes smashing my lats and pecs with a ball...very sore there. It felt good but I'm really not sure if it helped.

*warmup*
4 minutes of air squats, pushups, leg swings 

*EMOM*
farmer's walk with kettlebells - alternating with 10 pistol squats (5 on each leg) 
I did this pistol squat with a 10lb weight in front for balance and my leg tucked instead of straight out - straight out is not possible for me to balance yet. instructor gave me heavier kettlebells for the farmer's walk because I guess it looked too easy for me (it was easy) 

*WOD*
20 minutes total. Every minute on the minute we needed to do 5 burpees. And in between burpees we had to do thrusters (goal was 100 total - 5 per minute - I got to about 90 total).
This was absolutely brutal for me; only a few seconds of rest go so fast and then it's time for more burpees.
Last time I did thrusters I thought that 45lb was way too easy so he started me with 55lb ... which felt way too difficult; maybe I'm just too sore from pushing stuff yesterday. He kept dropping the weight on my bar while I did burpees and eventually we ended up with just the 15lb bar and I was still dying even with that tiny amount.



_silly me... confession time_  
This instructor is just so cute, ugh. I really do have a soft spot for guys who do menial physical labour for me.  And I know he does that stuff for the entire class, not just me...so really I shouldn't think anything of it. But it still hits my soft spot anyway.  Things like ...when I picked up my 10lb weight after pistol squats, he held out his hand like he wanted that 10lb weight...I gave it to him thinking he would use it for a demonstration of the next exercise...instead he walked 4 feet to put it away for me. And every time I check my bar because I don't remember putting clips on it... I look and I see the clips are already on it because he put them on while I wasn't looking. And he keeps changing the weight on my bar until it looks right so I don't have to stop in the middle of a WOD. He's so helpful and attentive without being pushy and it's just so goddamn cute. Also, I wanted to cry because he kept yelling "burpees!" every minute on the minute...lol.


Tomorrow is my day off  I feel like I might need some scalene/SCM release tomorrow but other than that I am going to rest up and then my next workout is Friday night which is hopefully Friday deadlifts again because I like deadlifts


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## cuddle bun

July 21, 2017 WOD

finally some upper body pulling stuff was on the schedule today 
sad no deadlifts though....oh well maybe next week.

*warmup*
1 round of: 200 meter run, 5 pushups, 10 lunges, 10 side lunges
1 round of: 200 meter run, 10 lunges, 10 side lunges
totally guilty of skipping the pushups in the 2nd round because whyyyyyyyyy do I really need to do even more pushups every single day when we only do upper body pulling stuff once or twice a week? feeling like push/pull priorities are kind of wacky at this gym ...or maybe too many of my rest days are overlapping with their upper body pulling days, or something.

*one-arm pulls with kettlebell*
these were like rows except the kettlebell starts on the floor and ends up somewhere near the chin.
I did a few with 35lb, a few with 30lb, a few with 25lb, and a bunch with 18lb. I lost count. 

*WOD*
12 minute limit.
3 rounds of: 400 meter run + 12 reps of upper body pulling stuff.
At the end of 3 rounds we had to cram in as many handstand pushups as possible until the 12 minute limit was up.
My upper body pulling stuff was ring rows again. feet on bench then on box then on floor as I ran out of energy. I almost ran out of time but had 10 seconds left for handstand pushups.
I got 4 tiny handstand pushups with my feet on the wall and probably a half-inch range of motion.

*optional after-party*
1 mile run for time.
My time was 11:18.


I was proud of 3 things today....

1. How quickly I ran across the room to the wall and dove into a handstand position with only 10 seconds left on the clock for handstand pushups. It felt very "embodied." By embodiment I mean feeling so comfortable with how my body moves that I can just hurl myself around comfortably without fear of losing my balance - upside down, grabbing shit mid-air, whatever  Another "embodiment" goal I have is to jump up and grab the pullup bar instead of stepping up on a box to get there. Eventually I would love to be able to do some stuff that resembles american ninja or parkour but baby steps first 

2. It's the first time I have run a whole mile without stopping since maybe 2003. Another running goal I have is to get my mile time under 10 minutes...I feel like that's not too far off.

3. I think I did a good job going slow in the first half of the mile and then picking up the pace in the 2nd half and sprinting the last 100 meters or so...good pacing.


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## cuddle bun

whoops I almost forgot to log my trigger point release stuff from the past couple of days.

This is a recovery thing that I was working on the past few days...
- unusual tenderness in levator scapula & upper traps
- tenderness in the groove between collarbone and scapula 
- some pain/clicking in AC joint when I put my arm overhead
- feeling weak putting my arm overhead even with no weight

This is what I tried initially that did not work...
- massage/lacrosse ball for upper back, levator scapula, traps
- massage/lacrosse ball for pecs
- this felt good but didn't help

This is what did work....
- massaging my abs and psoas

and it only took half an hour to work too, which is really satisfying.

The thing that made me realize I needed to switch strategies there was looking in the mirror this morning and realizing I looked like a textbook drawing of upper crossed syndrome today. Ab/psoas massage almost instantly fixed that and then the change in posture made my upper back & shoulder feel normal again. I feel like I just need to check that posture daily and keep reminding myself to fix that first as soon as I see it, so I don't succumb to that upper-crossed / caveman posture / bad shoulder problem pattern that a lot of lifters get into.


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## cuddle bun

*weekly weight/diet update*

Reporting on my weight since I have a goal to fit better into those goddamned jeans that I love so much. I think this will mean losing a few pounds rather than just recomping. 


average evening weight (after eating, with clothes) was 135.8
average evening weight was higher than last week 
average evening weight was 1 pound lower than when I started measuring a few weeks ago. 
evening weight went down throughout the week even though the average was higher.
this week I hit my lowest morning weight since I started measuring a few weeks ago (130.0).


And all of this has a good explanation. I made a change in my eating habits that put a temporary increase in my average evening weight but I think it already started to pay off and will continue to pay off long-term. Last week, I caught myself thinking "I want a salad but vegetables have a lot of water weight and I need to weigh myself in a few hours - I'll eat some cashews instead" - that's just not a good long-term strategy because it steers me too much away from vegetables. So this week I started requiring myself to eat a huge salad every single day before my evening weigh-in. A huuuuge salad. Salads are actually a very heavy thing to eat in spite of low calories because I'm not a huge fan of lettuce. So my salad bowl is full of heavier vegetables like tomatoes. I think this is a good habit for me to get into because it makes me feel more full with fewer calories. It also removes the mental stress of seeing the number go up when I eat a big salad, because I'm doing it every single day now.


*body changes*

This is the first week that I started to notice aesthetic body changes and most of them make me happy.


I can more clearly see the shape of my pelvis in the mirror, especially in the morning.
If the lighting is right then I can see some ab and arm muscles.
If the lighting is right then I can see some leg muscle. 
My leg muscle pump is preventing me from pulling my favorite jeans all the way up my thighs, on most days. If I haven't done any leg stuff in a few days then I can still get them on.

I do still want to fit into those jeans daily though so that's why I want to lose a few instead of just recomping.


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## cuddle bun

August 30, 2017

I thought about going to open gym in the late morning today but instead decided to wake up early for the partner workout....favorite instructor puts all that effort into planning this lovely partner workout torture, and the least I could do is show up  

*WOD*
my partner was a nice girl whose name I forget but she was much better at running than I am. the workout format involved running a bit together and then splitting 40 reps of various exercises...repeating with different exercises. When the clock hit 40 minutes then we skipped the mid-exercise runs, but finished all of the exercises. and then finally at the end we ran more. It took about 1 hour for us to finish.

I don't remember exactly because it was so long... but in the list of exercises we did, I definitely remember: wall balls, deadlifts, pushups, hang cleans, pull ups (and then switching to ring rows because we couldn't do that many pull ups), split jerks, air squats, box jumps, kettlebell swings, kettlebell snatch, burpees over the bar.

At the end we ran 800 meters and finished with a sprint in the last 100 meters.

My lungs are not used to all this running. My partner was perfect for me though and kept half pushing / half cheering me through the runs. She asked if we should run 800 meters instead of 400 at the end and I said yeah. 

Socially awkward moment....at the end I hugged my partner because this workout was so hard. She didn't seem to mind.

socially awkward moments are my specialty today actually.

another socially awkward moment...I was resting at the bottom of an air squat with my hands on the floor (like a frog?) to catch my breath and instructor came over with an outstretched hand to tell me my split jerk form looked good. And I thanked him but wondered; what is this...an outstretched hand? People often high five each other in this class, all the time, so in hindsight it was probably that. But in the moment with no air in my lungs, I really thought he was offering to help me up and I thought that was nice of him. Like a gentleman. I took his hand and used it to help myself up. If I did the wrong thing there, he didn't seem to mind.

yet another socially awkward moment; a tall older gentleman came up to me before class and stood just a little too close to me. "Have we met?" He had a calming voice and we had definitely not met. But I couldn't think what to say and probably stuttered...."I - I don't remember."

how socially awkward can I get....let see 

anyway it was a nice workout and I was wiped out completely at the end of it. If all I do today beyond that is wash my hair then I will still feel very productive.


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## cuddle bun

@Veggie was curious about my body fat % yesterday and I had some extra time today...so... awkward mug shots?  









It has been about 6 weeks since I took pictures. I did lose 6 pounds in that 6 weeks but honestly I can't even see the difference in a picture. I can feel it though? hmmm.


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## cuddle bun

whoops duplicate.


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## cuddle bun

Weight chart since I started that alternate day fasting schedule where I "eat like a pregnant horse" every other evening (lol I'm keeping that quote from Veggie it's too funny and so accurate)










why that weird weight today....that does have an answer actually. yesterday was an eating day but yesterday was less food than usual. Eating until I reach the same emotion doesn't always result in the same amount of food. That is ok though. I just had a lot on my mind yesterday, and eating seemed just not that urgent.

so....Yesterday I ate:
- a skillet of spicy shrimp that I cooked (about 1lb of shrimp with butter and ginger garlic paste and Indian red chilli powder...it was delicious)
- a big bowl of white rice with the shrimp; tried for 2 bowls but left the 2nd one alone.
- slightly more than half a loaf of banana nut bread with cream cheese filling that I made 2 days ago but hadn't tried yet...it was actually really good...wants thicker cream cheese filling next time though
- 2 cups of red grapes
- 3 huge "soup mugs" filled with whole milk; not sure how many ounces

for me that is a tiny amount of food considering how much I usually eat.

I think it is ok though. If I need more calories then my body will let me know next time. 2 weeks ago I would have panicked at how little I ate but today I just feel like everything will be ok


----------



## Veggie

cuddle bun said:


> Weight chart since I started that alternate day fasting schedule where I "eat like a pregnant horse" every other evening (lol I'm keeping that quote from Veggie it's too funny and so accurate)


Lol. You look really good! I figured you probably did if you're a hardcore CrossFit chick. And yea, this stuff isn't always as simple as calorie restriction and what not so eat on lol.


----------



## cuddle bun

Veggie said:


> Lol. You look really good! I figured you probably did if you're a hardcore CrossFit chick. And yea, this stuff isn't always as simple as calorie restriction and what not so eat on lol.


thanks   idk if I can call myself hardcore yet....i often finish last in class because I'm a slowpoke compared to the rest of them especially if there is any running involved  That's ok though; it's fun.

If I was aiming purely for aesthetics....then I might like to aim for this body type which I think is my favorite body type and attainable for me (https://i.pinimg.com/736x/67/6c/8f/...8383a6b--female-gymnast-womens-gymnastics.jpg) - an "agile lightweight and easy to hurl myself though the air" kind of body type  but in reality I'm aiming for enjoyment first, and managing my ADHD symptoms 2nd, and somewhere further down the list is having a specific body goal....it's nice if it happens but not really essential either.

you should start a journal too I would love to follow it


----------



## Veggie

cuddle bun said:


> thanks   idk if I can call myself hardcore yet....i often finish last in class because I'm a slowpoke compared to the rest of them especially if there is any running involved  That's ok though; it's fun.
> 
> If I was aiming purely for aesthetics....then I might like to aim for this body type which I think is my favorite body type and attainable for me (https://i.pinimg.com/736x/67/6c/8f/...8383a6b--female-gymnast-womens-gymnastics.jpg) - an "agile lightweight and easy to hurl myself though the air" kind of body type  but in reality I'm aiming for enjoyment first, and managing my ADHD symptoms 2nd, and somewhere further down the list is having a specific body goal....it's nice if it happens but not really essential either.
> 
> you should start a journal too I would love to follow it


Tbh I think you already look like the body goal pic. 

And I don't know about the journal. I have unconventional practices too (like I would say to people - I listen to these pressures in my body. People: Huh? Also People: How did you lose ten pounds so quickly? Me: So I can feel pressure in my body, right? You know what I'm talking about? ...and it becomes circular haha), and I could see myself getting the unsolicited advice you were complaining about in the other thread, lol. Which is fine, but can be distracting. I usually start threads for feedback.

I'm 5'9" and my ideal is maybe about 125-130 lbs (I was there for a while and I'm not too far off atm) which is also borderline underweight for my height, so I could see that further opening the door for negativity about my being disordered and blah blah. 

My ideal body is less muscle-y than the gymnast aesthetic because being taller I don't think it would look right. I think I'd look like the incredible hulk. lol. But then you need muscle to more effectively burn fat. (Your arms are like perfect, btw. Still feminine). So I'll probably bumble around for a while listening to and looking at my body (well, under a more finely tuned microscope than I have been lately), pushing here, pushing there and tentatively share my findings scattered about with a don't try this at home in the fine print  I don't do well with what's regimented. I've done a variety of work outs and diets in the past so I have at least some idea of what I'm doing tho. lol.

I enjoy that you seem to take a slightly more creative approach too


----------



## cuddle bun

Veggie said:


> Tbh I think you already look like the body goal pic.
> 
> And I don't know about the journal. I have unconventional practices too (like I would say to people - I listen to these pressures in my body. People: Huh? Also People: How did you lose ten pounds so quickly? Me: So I can feel pressure in my body, right? You know what I'm talking about? ...and it becomes circular haha), and I could see myself getting the unsolicited advice you were complaining about in the other thread, lol. Which is fine, but can be distracting. I usually start threads for feedback.
> 
> I'm 5'9" and my ideal is maybe about 125-130 lbs (I was there for a while and I'm not too far off atm) which is also borderline underweight for my height, so I could see that further opening the door for negativity about my being disordered and blah blah.
> 
> My ideal body is less muscle-y than the gymnast aesthetic because being taller I don't think it would look right. I think I'd look like the incredible hulk. lol. But then you need muscle to more effectively burn fat. (Your arms are like perfect, btw. Still feminine). So I'll probably bumble around for a while listening to and looking at my body (well, under a more finely tuned microscope than I have been lately), pushing here, pushing there and tentatively share my findings scattered about with a don't try this at home in the fine print  I don't do well with what's regimented. I've done a variety of work outs and diets in the past so I have at least some idea of what I'm doing tho. lol.
> 
> I enjoy that you seem to take a slightly more creative approach too


I think your journal that doesn't exist yet sounds like something I could read with fascinated curiosity but not unsolicited advice  my own strategy honestly became pretty obscure ...when I started alternate day fasting...I don't think I know anyone in real life who does that except my mom; we both just seem biologically well suited for it. But if my own strategy is weird then I can't judge anyone for doing their own thing off the beaten path...it's all fine  

re: goal body, I think she has a little more muscle and a little less fat than me especially in the hips and thighs but it is subtle  and because of how my body stores fat it's possible I might lose some of that softness in the arms if I get lean enough for my taste in the thighs. 
But we'll see. honestly I like this alternate day fasting so much that I probably need to just keep doing that, and then end up with whatever I end up with. It makes me feel like I don't have ADHD and chronic fatigue, and that's worth a lot. I like a range of body types though so that's fine 

I think the biggest reason I admire her body type so much is because I would love to have the embodiment/confidence to do more stuff that resembles gymnastics or parkour or american ninja warrior or bungee jumping or stuff like that... basically just hurling myself around through the air  it's a goal lol. I feel even nervous jumping up 3 inches to grab the pullup bar (and it took me a while to get comfortable with even that much). If I get more of that functionality, but not that exact look, that would make me very happy too


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## cuddle bun

September 4, 2017

*before class*

I went early to video some paused front squats. last week instructor said I was leaning forward in those sometimes and I was curious which weight that problem starts at. 75lb seemed good but 85lb was iffy so maybe 75 is a good working set weight for me next time I do those.

seeing myself for the first time cleaning the bar off the floor to do front squats; it really makes me realize how bad my clean form is lol. like wow he wasn't kidding when he said I need to work on my hip thrust and leaning back more. It's definitely something to work on.

*WOD*

We did a tabata-style workout which is like short bursts of continuous work followed by tiny (not long enough!) rests. 
8 sets per exercise with tiny breaks between sets, and 1 minute between exercise.
my exercises were: ring rows, knee pushups, air squats, situps, and rowing.


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## cuddle bun

September 5, 2017

We did a bunch of clean & jerks today ... first a max test and then timed singles at 80% of today's tested max 

Max test results: 100lb clean & jerk PR! (previous PR was 87lb)

I never had that much weight overhead before in my life 

I got something to work on for open gym this weekend: my jerk form sucks. lol. At this point my clean form and my jerk form both need a lot of work but the jerk is definitely worse. I have trouble feeling the balance and confidence to go low enough as I get closer and closer to 100, and then I ended up overhead pressing the last few inches because I wasn't low enough. So that needs work later.

Those are so fun though ... feels very triumphant. Maybe my favorite lift even though I'm not that good at it yet.

And then we did 12 singles with 80% - the singles were done with a partner; we take turns doing 1 and fit as many as we can into 5 minutes. My partner and I both did 12 each.


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## cuddle bun

September 6, 2017

*heavy singles*

we did a heavy single thing where we keep adding weight but move to different exercises as the weight goes up - starting with split jerks, then front squats, then deadlifts? I did not like this EMOM format for split jerks because what I really need with those is to take my time and do a lot of them. I went up to 85lb for split jerks, 105lb for front squats (which was actually a clean PR for me - never cleaned that much off the floor before today and it took me two tries to clean it although the front squat itself was pretty easy). For deadlifts I went up to 225lb.

*WOD*
20 touch & go deadlifts (I used 165lb) 
30 front squats (75lb)
40 split jerks (55lb at first then switched to 45)
50 thrusters (33lb) 
500 meter row
...for time and my time was 20:50. 

the front squats and thrusters were the hardest part. and again my jerk sucks not getting low enough, and I look forward to working on that in the open gym this weekend.

I was the last person in class to finish but that's ok i got to write 225lb deadlift on the chalkboard. It is not the most I have ever deadlifted in my life but it is the most I deadlifted since I started crossfit in July. It was slow off the floor but fast at lockout. I used a mixed grip today.


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## cuddle bun

17 days of weight history - that's when I started trying alternate day fasting (+ only eating after I'm done being productive on the eating day). not calorie tracking.










Really loving this for myself so far - I seem very biologically well suited for it. It feels normal for me to eat a lot in one sitting and also normal to wait until later to eat. I'm loving how fast the last few pounds are coming off. Loving the improvement in my ADHD (there are some days when I still struggle to concentrate but overall it's a huge improvement). Loving how I feel less fatigued even though it's fewer calories, which I think is very interesting. 

At the risk of sounding speculative and brosciencey, I wonder if the improvement in fatigue comes from less multitasking in digestion. I wonder if the first few hours of digestion are so difficult for me that it saps energy away from everyday tasks when I eat more often? I have no way to know that, but it would certainly make sense if that's the case, because now the first few hours of digestion overlap with end-of-day relaxation time and sleeping time, and I don't feel tired the rest of the time.

I'd say the only problem is when my best friend wants me to do emotional labor during my eating window. Just feeling like I want to focus 100% on physical and emotional relaxation when it's time to eat. But that snag would not be improved by eating every day; actually I remember it was definitely worse when I ate more often.

I think I am biologically well suited for this. Kind of curious to see where my weight stabilizes if I just keep doing it permanently; that's the plan because I like it so much.


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## cuddle bun

I just realized I had a small milestone this morning with my weight - under 130lb for a majority of the past 7 days.  I definitely feel the difference weighing a little less even though it is harder to see in the pictures that I took earlier in the week. I feel like the difference is mostly in my thighs (which is hard to see in my pictures because my jeans*cover it) and my abs (which is facing the other way in my pictures) ...lol oh well that's my fault for the picture angles I chose.










I am aiming for 5 days of crossfit this week (Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Saturday, & Sunday) - which is more than what I usually do so I decided to rest yesterday and today. Even though burpees were on the schedule yesterday and that looked really torturously fun; and cleans are on the schedule today and that looks really fun too. I just want to have energy left over for Saturday partner WOD which is my favorite as long as I can drag myself out of bed early enough for it. And on Sunday I want to practice my clean & jerk in a "take my time and do a lot of careful reps" kind of way.


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## cuddle bun

September 9, 2017

*Partner WOD*
1 partner did cardio stuff (rowing, running with a few obstacles to jump or climb over) while the other does a mix of bodyweight exercises, box jumps, & weights. when the short run finishes then we switch places. 40 minutes total. this was really a lot of fun.

*open gym*
after class I stayed to work on my clean & jerk form. my coach thinks I could do a 140lb clean with my current strength level if I get my technique to catch up and get down low enough on the jerk....wow lol that would be cool but I'm not sure if I could even front squat that yet.  I have the urge to do a ton of clean & jerks with light and medium weight tomorrow. and maybe some heavier front squats too.


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## cuddle bun

September 10, 2017

*open gym*
First - a bunch of clean & jerks with 55-80lb. Working on just feeling comfortable with the movement and trying to get lower in the jerk. Seems like 80lb is where I start to get nervous but that'll go away eventually with more practice I hope. gradually expanding my comfort zone.

Then - 4 sets of 10 deadlifts with 125lb; a weight that is fast off the floor and also fast at lockout. focusing on speed off the floor and snappy lockout.


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## shazam

cuddle bun said:


> September 10, 2017
> 
> *open gym*
> First - a bunch of clean & jerks with 55-80lb. Working on just feeling comfortable with the movement and trying to get lower in the jerk. Seems like 80lb is where I start to get nervous but that'll go away eventually with more practice I hope. gradually expanding my comfort zone.
> 
> Then - 4 sets of 10 deadlifts with 125lb; a weight that is fast off the floor and also fast at lockout. focusing on speed off the floor and snappy lockout.


cuddle bun my violent friend, I 9ot to the 9ym at 19:55 which closed at 20:00, I didn't have to pay, and did 4 sets of squats for 5 minutes... pet my head. Yes, I'm in pain. Tis the beginning. I'm 9oin9 all power, dead lifts etc.


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## cuddle bun

fartface said:


> cuddle bun my violent friend, I 9ot to the 9ym at 19:55 which closed at 20:00, I didn't have to pay, and did 4 sets of squats for 5 minutes... pet my head. Yes, I'm in pain. Tis the beginning. I'm 9oin9 all power, dead lifts etc.


lol I can feel the pain way over here. all weights and no rest...story of my life lol. it sucks doesn't it??

are you starting a journal too? we need more journals to follow.


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## cuddle bun

I think today will be a rest day even though the WOD looks interesting ... I want to go to the Tuesday and Wednesday classes without running out of steam doing 5 days in a row.

Here is 21 days of my weight history with alternate-day fasting (I eat a massive amount every other evening and fast the rest of the time) 










I am happy about this as usual... not just because it helps my adhd and energy levels to eat a larger amount less often. 
But I also just like weighing less 

I feel like I'm getting farther away from "looks pretty good in clothes / good enough / body acceptance" ... closer to "regulation hottie"  And when I actually see that happening I realize I have no regrets about having goals related to it. I remember I did initially have some guilt about having any aesthetic goals when I'm already in normal BMI territory... but now it's like nope; I definitely love it.
:kitteh:


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## cuddle bun

Milestone today - my lowest weight so far in years (126.4) My abs looked great this morning too - I could see the little vertical ridges at the center and sides of rectus abdominus. I'm sure that will go away in 5 minutes as soon as I start eating tonight but it was nice to see it so clearly in the morning.


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## cuddle bun

September 12, 2017

*warmup*
some running and various exercises- the only one I remember is the pullups where I got 4 in a row without dropping! (I did need to rest in a dead hang after the 3rd one though)

*push press*
we worked up to a 2RM for push press and mine was 75lb. 

*WOD*
3 rounds of:
- 400 meter run then max rep pullups until the clock hits 3 minutes 
- 1 minute rest
- 400 meter run then max reps push press until the clock hits 3 minutes 
- 1 minute rest

I used 45lb for the push press.

Feeling very weak today; not surprisingly....this workout was at the end of my fasting window. coach told me to eat a lot for my clean & jerk max test on Sunday and I am indeed (without departing from the alternate day fasting thing that I like so much; I'm just going to try to fit more into my eating windows between now and Sunday). dinner tonight is a big pizza all to myself that has 1lb of ground beef on it and extra cheese and pineapple. I am also baking 2 loaves of banana nut bread....one with pineapple filling and one with cream cheese filling  eating is my job tonight lol.

at the end of a fast i felt weak except for pullups where I did 16 total pullups in one day (including the warmup) - for me that's a lot! pullups felt so light and bouncy and easy today. probably because I weighed less than usual today.


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## cuddle bun

now the guy I rejected today is sending me one insult after another except that he doesn't know where my nerves are so it's more like attempted insults instead of successful insults.

And then after the insults....apologies that he couldn't make me happy.

And then he's saying that he will "pray for me."

I'm reading each message as they come in; and feeling....nothing. mostly just grateful that he doesn't know where my nerves are.

man, this sucks though.

dating sucks. 

being denied my first choice sucks.

warning this guy that that I was upset about rejection with someone else and then seeing him get upset when he couldn't successfully redirect my attention - sucks.

hearing him start to get upset about rejection and then feeling some of that same fear coming back even though I was careful to be polite in my wording- that sucks too.

fearing for my safety if I keep looking - sucks.

fearing where my thoughts will gravitate back to if I don't - sucks.

it all sucks.


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## cuddle bun

And1 said:


> Looks like ultimately you had a good day. You set the sun, ready to rest, and then bring the sun back up tomorrow for a new day. Oh, did I miss you mentioning the cheesecake? That's mostly for me I confess, just nice to know somewhere out there, a nice homemade cheese cake is being cooked up...on a health/diet blog thing... Ok maybe this is not the place to ask that.


I ate the other 2/3 of that homemade cheesecake today - and nothing else lol. it was a traumatizing day so i forgive myself :laughing:

I also ordered a 4" diameter springform cake pan so I can make one that's 1/4 of the volume...i mean that was wayyyy too much cheesecake for a 125lb female lol


----------



## And1

cuddle bun said:


> I ate the other 2/3 of that homemade cheesecake today - and nothing else lol. it was a traumatizing day so i forgive myself :laughing:
> 
> I also ordered a 4" diameter springform cake pan so I can make one that's 1/4 of the volume...i mean that was wayyyy too much cheesecake for a 125lb female lol


First, sorry about your earlier post of the guy texting you. Its unfortunate when people hurt others and upsetting to see people being hurt all around. 


Now its great that the cheese cake was there to soften the day for you though. Nice to see you got a new pan! I'd get sick with that much rich food. 

Hope tomorrow is better for you then. I know its more often we lash out at others when we hurt but its still not right to. Its something I really need to work on myself, so this is an unfortunate reminder for me showing why acting like that just creates more negativity all way around.


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## cuddle bun

And1 said:


> First, sorry about your earlier post of the guy texting you. Its unfortunate when people hurt others and upsetting to see people being hurt all around.
> 
> 
> Now its great that the cheese cake was there to soften the day for you though. Nice to see you got a new pan! I'd get sick with that much rich food.
> 
> Hope tomorrow is better for you then. I know its more often we lash out at others when we hurt but its still not right to. Its something I really need to work on myself, so this is an unfortunate reminder for me showing why acting like that just creates more negativity all way around.


I don't feel sick at all lol I have a stomach of steel and metabolism of a Bunsen burner :laughing:

....when my friend was visiting for the weekend, 180lb guy, I ate the same amount as him plus a few extra pieces of banana bread because I was sooooo hungry while he napped....always checking with him to see if he wanted more food whenever I felt like I wanted more food, but he was stuffed....i actually lost weight while he was here, eating the same amount as him
:laughing:

what's wrong with me lol

I had to turn off the message notifications from this guy I went on 2 dates with....it's just too much like he's practically writing a book now. I liked his idea of not talking any more. wish he would stick to it


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## And1

That's unfortunate he's having a tough time with this but its better for everyone. Seems he should put his effort into something besides texting you but to each their own!

Respect on your food intake abilities.


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## cuddle bun

Dear God please do something to convince this plenty of fish guy to stop talking to me. I responded apathetically to the stream of insults and his anger is successfully deflated, but now he seems to have renewed hope now that he sees he didn't hit any of my nerves. and he is trying to invite me to his house to teach him how to play Diana Krall "Pick Yourself Up" on the piano. I shouldn't have even replied at all but was trying to apply the golden rule. in my own freshly-rejected state of mind I had so many questions and the guy was kind enough to answer them. trying to do the same.

ugh ugh ugh I hate this whole situation and I'm going to bed.


----------



## Veggie

cuddle bun said:


> Dear God please do something to convince this plenty of fish guy to stop talking to me. I responded apathetically to the stream of insults and his anger is successfully deflated, but now he seems to have renewed hope now that he sees he didn't hit any of my nerves. and he is trying to invite me to his house to teach him how to play Diana Krall "Pick Yourself Up" on the piano. I shouldn't have even replied at all but was trying to apply the golden rule. in my own freshly-rejected state of mind I had so many questions and the guy was kind enough to answer them. trying to do the same.
> 
> ugh ugh ugh I hate this whole situation and I'm going to bed.


Awww. This does suck. 

Well just remember that you aren't breaking up with him. He's basically a stranger you went on a couple dates with. Call him out on that and see if it makes him shut up xD ("I'm sorry - are we divorcing or did I date you a couple times and kiss you once?" ...nah, maybe don't say that. ...Or?).

This is why I'm never that honest early stages without some sort of relationship I feel an obligation to, and/or if pressed (or well... I try not to be, but it's def happened before). Ain't nobody got time. (But maybe you're a better, more resilient person than I. haha).

Pure apathy doesn't usually work ime though, getting rid of orbiters - friendly, nasty - or both.. like your gentleman. A little bit of humor or something (or lighter non personal speak, generally) along with firmness can do the trick (you're funny too ). Maybe reminds him to act like a social person also and lifts him from the emotional recesses of his mind or... idk.

I don't know if you're looking for or need advice, I'm sure you have your own experiences to draw from too - and your own style, lol - but thought I'd offer anyway


----------



## cuddle bun

Veggie said:


> Awww. This does suck.
> 
> Well just remember that you aren't breaking up with him. He's basically a stranger you went on a couple dates with. Call him out on that and see if it makes him shut up xD ("I'm sorry - are we divorcing or did I date you a couple times and kiss you once?" ...nah, maybe don't say that. ...Or?).
> 
> This is why I'm never that honest early stages without some sort of relationship I feel an obligation to, and/or if pressed (or well... I try not to be, but it's def happened before). Ain't nobody got time. (But maybe you're a better, more resilient person than I. haha).
> 
> Pure apathy doesn't usually work ime though, getting rid of orbiters - friendly, nasty - or both.. like your gentleman. A little bit of humor or something (or lighter non personal speak, generally) along with firmness can do the trick (you're funny too ). Maybe reminds him to act like a social person also and lifts him from the emotional recesses of his mind or... idk.
> 
> I don't know if you're looking for or need advice, I'm sure you have your own experiences to draw from too - and your own style, lol - but thought I'd offer anyway


It's ok I do appreciate advice on this topic. I actually have almost zero experience with this. I'm not trying to sound like a pampered princess - but the reality is that I AM a pampered princess - what usually happens if I develop an earth shattering irrational crush on someone is that I show my unmistakable interest in him and poof he's mine. just like that. fucking spoiled is what I am. I don't usually have to deal with this dating website shit. 

god fucking dammit lol.

I'm laughing at myself right now because I so deserve this. to be taken down a notch or three like this. to be rejected like _every single other human being on the face of the planet._

I laugh a lot when I'm upset. everything is hilarious to me now including this guy wanting me to teach him a Diana Krall song about picking up and dusting off and starting over. Barf. lol.


----------



## Veggie

cuddle bun said:


> It's ok I do appreciate advice on this topic. I actually have almost zero experience with this. I'm not trying to sound like a pampered princess - but the reality is that I AM a pampered princess - what usually happens if I develop an earth shattering irrational crush on someone is that I show my unmistakable interest in him and poof he's mine. just like that. fucking spoiled is what I am. I don't usually have to deal with this dating website shit.
> 
> god fucking dammit lol.
> 
> I'm laughing at myself right now because I so deserve this. to be taken down a notch or three like this. to be rejected like _every single other human being on the face of the planet._
> 
> I laugh a lot when I'm upset. everything is hilarious to me now including this guy wanting me to teach him a Diana Krall song about picking up and dusting off and starting over. Barf. lol.


I find rejection difficult (and confusing) too. I've grown accustomed to getting my way in the past also. haha. My exes were first choices. Though I feel like I've been knocked down like five pegs since then. (Or... were they secretly in luv in those instances? So overwhelmed by the feels that they just couldn't deal? hahaha... though I keep those thoughts to myself and try not to operate on those assumptions (delusions?) - but maybe that would reveal that I've been right in that too, who knows? ).

I'm sorta commitment phobic though so I don't usually (ever?) show much overt interest, and I'm happy to play around with dating website shit. lol. 

So if you do appreciate advice, I'll add that any humor or light speak should be very, very slight with this methodology, because otherwise he'll only become further enamored, or see it as effort on your part, and that ain't no good either. Jusssst enough to confuse the hard "no." a little - if he gets off on that - and confuse his penis. Place them side by side. With another "good luck with!" His ego will flee.

...looking up Diana Krall now. haha.


----------



## Red Panda

cuddle bun said:


> Dear God please do something to convince this plenty of fish guy to stop talking to me. I responded apathetically to the stream of insults and his anger is successfully deflated, but now he seems to have renewed hope now that he sees he didn't hit any of my nerves. and he is trying to invite me to his house to teach him how to play Diana Krall "Pick Yourself Up" on the piano. I shouldn't have even replied at all but was trying to apply the golden rule. in my own freshly-rejected state of mind I had so many questions and the guy was kind enough to answer them. trying to do the same.
> 
> ugh ugh ugh I hate this whole situation and I'm going to bed.


Wut, why was he angry and insulting? You should probably cut any contact with him entirely, you don't owe him anything especially if that's how he behaves.


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## sippingcappucino

@cuddle bun It seems many already gave you advice and ranted with you. So I am just going to do what I do best. 

C'mere. :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hugs:


----------



## cuddle bun

Red Panda said:


> Wut, why was he angry and insulting? You should probably cut any contact with him entirely, you don't owe him anything especially if that's how he behaves.


he didn't like the sudden change of heart - I was affectionate with him when it was just hugs and letting him put an arm around my waist and stuff like that. then suddenly changed my mind when he kissed. and I had already acknowledged how confusing that must have been for him so I didn't see a need to reply to that again, my initial wording was good enough as far as I am concerned....

most of his insults were related to ...my future parenting abilities? which i thought was odd. i didn't see the connection, and I don't seem to have any doubt in my future parenting abilities so he didn't hit a nerve there. Just odd.

he also had advice for me to move to Alabama (because "dating in new york is different" - I think he was talking about an expectation that people should enjoy kissing on a 2nd date but I'm not sure, he wasn't really clear and I didn't feel interested enough to dig)

he had some other insults related to my general mental health because I switched so fast from being mildly affectionate to not as soon as it escalated - and I don't seem to have a nerve there either... that also felt like he was fishing unsuccessfully for how to get to me. I mean we already have an explanation for why I hit a wall there and the explanation was good. I thought I was attracted to him but as soon as we kissed my brain was comparing him to my real crush and I hit an emotional wall there

the only part I actually responded to was when he said it seemed like I was triggered by a bad memory and to that I apathetically said yeah, when I ran into domestic violence a few years ago it was right after I said no to something the guy wanted. so right after I pulled away from the kiss i was reminded of that situation in some ways. and I apathetically told him I was grateful that I was safe. This instantly deflated all his anger just like I planned - any half-reasonable guy who hears that is going to want to make himself sound different from what I ran into earlier, and that's exactly what happened 

I did turn off Facebook notifications from him. I don't post much on Facebook and when i do it's not usually personal, so it seems irrelevant if I keep him in my friend list or not but yeah I would definitely unfriend if he keeps up the insult attempts.


----------



## cuddle bun

sippingcappucino said:


> @cuddle bun It seems many already gave you advice and ranted with you. So I am just going to do what I do best.
> 
> C'mere. :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hugs:


man I really need some of that in person though! from people who aren't going to lose their cool if it doesn't progress past hugs.

ugh lol.


----------



## cuddle bun

Veggie said:


> I find rejection difficult (and confusing) too. I've grown accustomed to getting my way in the past also. haha. My exes were first choices. Though I feel like I've been knocked down like five pegs since then. (Or... were they secretly in luv in those instances? So overwhelmed by the feels that they just couldn't deal? hahaha... though I keep those thoughts to myself and try not to operate on those assumptions (delusions?) - but maybe that would reveal that I've been right in that too, who knows? ).
> 
> I'm sorta commitment phobic though so I don't usually (ever?) show much overt interest, and I'm happy to play around with dating website shit. lol.
> 
> So if you do appreciate advice, I'll add that any humor or light speak should be very, very slight with this methodology, because otherwise he'll only become further enamored, or see it as effort on your part, and that ain't no good either. Jusssst enough to confuse the hard "no." a little - if he gets off on that - and confuse his penis. Place them side by side. With another "good luck with!" His ego will flee.
> 
> ...looking up Diana Krall now. haha.


wow lol... there are people who get off on hard no's?

.......

what if I'm one of those people hahahahhaha

what if that instantly explains why I'm having trouble letting go of my friend who rejected me...lol

this whole dating thing sucks even more than I knew :laughing:

edit: I'm just kidding, I think it's more sentimental than that, but everything is hilarious when I'm upset and I find this all kind of hilarious right now. 

and i'm pretty sure i can eventually let go if i keep trying...even if I'm a creepy "orbiter" who gets off on hard no's... lolllololol :laughing: Te has decided it's time to move on, and Fi is gonna catch up sooner or later...Fi is like a little puppy dragging its feet right now but it'll catch up sooner or later when it starts to feel like not moving on is the lonelier option (and logically I already know that it is...he assures me he doesn't want to be with me and obviously I would be lonely if I was with someone who didn't want to be with me; logically that sounds awful really)


----------



## sippingcappucino

cuddle bun said:


> man I really need some of that in person though! from people who aren't going to lose their cool if it doesn't progress past hugs.
> 
> ugh lol.



Bahhh!!! I really wish I was around you. I give hugs without attaching too much meaning so easily it’s concerning.


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## Veggie

cuddle bun said:


> ...even if I'm a creepy "orbiter" who gets off on hard no's... lolllololol :laughing:


Haha, I doubt it (that you would fit that category). It sounds like you're respectful of his wishes, and you've been doing your part to try to move on. Your situation sounded a bit more complicated and lengthy too, so I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting answers there.


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## cuddle bun

I am canceling my dating project. a) there's only room in my heart for one man, and i know for a fact I'm either going to be pursuing him or wishing secretly that i could, for quite a while, and b) even if my first choice got hit by a bus tomorrow I still feel like I have to find some other way to deal with my personal loneliness emergency over here besides a dating website. I can't handle even 1 "orbiter" much less multiple. all day I was ignoring messages and phone calls from that guy i went on 2 dates with - he was trying to tell me how much he loves me and begging me if we could be friends. and then turning him down a lot more bluntly than I did previously - which is pure fear for me but it needed to be done 

fear because every time i say no to a man who is feeling that much irrational emotion for me - right back comes the fear of violence. or worse; a new fear i discovered today; fear of him messaging friends of friends in my friend list and finding some way to mess up my friends' lives too.

I'm probably being melodramatic but I just can't handle this "orbiter" scenario at all. 

the laser beam of a cute-faced INTJ type 8 SX hug is so intense that it melts everyone in its path hahahhahahah I can't deal with my own aftermath lol

oh and my best friend is pretty much an "orbiter" now too. he asked me "what could we do together as platonic friends?" and i told him "I want zero expectations! right now I feel so much pressure from your expectations that my only goal is to break the expectations apart!" "I don't want to interrupt a romantic evening to say good night to someone who isn't my boyfriend" "I don't want my phone ringing off the hook if I'm spending time with a man romantically" "I don't want to share personal details about my life with a man who isn't my boyfriend because I want to save that special level of honesty for a boyfriend" - all of these little things he has been upset at me for dropping lately. when I used to see him as a potential-maybe-someday-boyfriend I did those things with him and now I don't. anyway......he sent me a video of himself crying plus a massive wall of text about how hurt he feels.

I am literally not equipped to deal with this mess.

so....the other date is canceled obviously; in case that wasn't obvious.


----------



## Sylarz

cuddle bun said:


> I'm laughing at myself right now because I so deserve this. to be taken down a notch or three like this. to be rejected like _every single other human being on the face of the planet._


Welcome to the club.  At least now you can empathize with the rest of humanity. For most of us, what happens when we develop a crush on someone is we brace for a rejection, and then we get rejected, and then we wallow in the fact we'll never get them. Eventually we learn not to let ourselves get crushes on people to protect ourselves. That's how it works for 90% of humanity.

Welcome to the human condition. It's a hell of a ride.

Don't fret. You're still you. The next guy will probably fall over himself with excitement. Count your lucky stars that a rejection is an anomalous event.


----------



## cuddle bun

Well you're all gonna hate me now but I haven't joined the ranks of the rejected just yet. Rejection has been either avoided or delayed ... time will tell which one it is. he finally admitted to wanting the same thing that I want ... which is just ...clearing a space on the ground and then seeing if love is fated to grow there. Removing some physical obstacles that would otherwise block us from getting to know each other better at all. He was on board with this type of clearing as long as the "nothing permanent grew here" scenario is also OK (which it is). Actually he seemed pretty insistent once I reassured him that all possible outcomes were OK (and they are). 

So it's entirely possible he might decide to take me down a notch or three _later_ and reject me later haha!! well I know I deserve that ... for being a spoiled princess who always gets my top choice :laughing:

and I will take my rejection like a champ if that's what happens later lol. Who knows...if he rejects me later, I might even find a man who _smells like him, smiles like him, sticks to their guns like him, hits all my best nerves like him, laughs like him, snores like him, rumbles in the fucking chest with the same pitch when they talk like him, and has the exact same temperature and texture and taste and tempo as him during a kiss like him_, because all of this is apparently pretty fucking important lol. so important haha. and there's a lot more on this list too but that's enough.

Well ... enough about my love life or lack thereof ... lol....I am going to try to get this log focused back on crossfit and food starting tomorrow lol.


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## cuddle bun

I am going back to alternate day fasting. "eat for a few days / fast for a few days / repeat" - it's just not making me as happy as ADF did. I am not sure if this is a physical hurdle or an implementation hurdle; maybe it could have worked if I had stuck to shorter refeeds. I found myself extending the refeed every single time with this logic... "4 days is a few days just like 3" "5 days is similar to 4 too" etc ... and that's all true, but then at some point I hit that wall where I just haven't fasted enough to catch up and then I run into physical problems.

In comparison ADF is so clearly defined and easy to stick to ... I had only tiny implementation hurdles there but they didn't stop me from actually implementing it.

so.... with a multiple day refeed, there's no way to predict when this will happen, but at some point I seem to hit a wall where I feel really not good and the feeling persists a lot longer than I am comfortable with. Sleeping too much, difficulty concentrating, senses dulled, bloated, etc. Same problems I ran into when I ate daily. With ADF I did hit similar feeling every other day but it was very brief and only lasted a few hours for a post-eating nap and then I felt better. 

Not 100% sure what is physically happening there but I think it's related to how much glycogen I'm using up vs. how much I'm storing. I think my body feels best when I keep that type of storage near zero at all times and only dip very briefly in the other direction. So maybe it could work with fewer carbs if I want to try it again someday. 

I think my perishable food problem with ADF seems easy to fix in comparison...I could try to relax my desire to eat something that I just cooked 10 minutes ago; split recipes more often when possible; and actually use my freezer more often. I'll be fine.

and I am GOING to crossfit tonight! 1 crossfit class in 3 weeks is not enough!!


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## cuddle bun

more about my implementation hurdle with "eat for a few days / fast for a few days / repeat" ...I think it was the decision fatigue and mental complexity if I create rules for myself about when to end the refeed. in theory you'd think that would be easy. like "if I weigh below my goal weight first thing in the morning then the refeed continues, if not then it ends" - sounds simple enough.

but there's a _very_ convincing voice in the back of my mind that says "If the RULES can change the length of the refeed, then I can change it too, since I wrote the rules!" - wow that voice is really convincing haha. then I found myself changing the rules in almost every refeed to cover even the slightest whim; like a desire to use up more perishable food in my fridge or something like that.

ADF is easier for me to stick to because it has a steady rhythm and timing that's not chosen by me. With ADF I approached the same desire to eat like "oh it's not my eating day yet" "tomorrow is my eating day" - not even thinking about it as if it was a decision to be made by me. And I miss that. I'm finding that steady-rhythm-not-set-by-me is actually calming and helpful.


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## cuddle bun

fasting today is absolutely driving me up the wall, but I'm sticking to it.

that's another reason why "eat for a few days, fast for a few days, repeat" was difficult for me. the first 24 hours of fasting is disproportionately more difficult if my body had enough time to think that eating on consecutive days is normal.

I'm dealing with he frustration by planning in detail what to cook tomorrow...including the timing of marinating everything. i have a massive craving for a shrimp recipe that I learned a few weeks ago. chicken too. all of it....ugh.


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## cuddle bun

November 1, 2017

I did go to crossfit class last night ....i forget exactly what we did but it was something like 30 continuous minutes of power cleans and air squats and dumbbell or kettlebell walks (carrying them). I used 55lb for the power cleans and two 30lb dumbbells at first for the walks but then switched to 18lb kettlebells on the next round.

multiple people asked where I had been lately....i felt good about that. it's nice to have people who actually notice when you're not there. 

yesterday fasting day was very difficult because I have gotten used to eating on consecutive days but I did make it through....same way I did when I first started ADF; by planning what to cook today and then distracting myself with a long hot bath and some nice conversation with a friend. I accidentally dropped my phone in the bathtub though and now the home key isn't working any more....it might be time to get a new phone after 2.5 years with this one, ugh. 

I woke up earlier than usual excited about eating day  and I already made myself 2 scrambled eggs with sausage and feta cheese...that was good  I'm trying something different this time around....on the eating day I can start eating at any time but if I fall asleep for a nap at any point during the day then I am done eating for the day. I have this tendency to get sleepy before I get full when I eat so I think that's a reasonable limit.


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## cuddle bun

ok so i never actually fell asleep after eating today. But i did eat 3 meals like "normal" people do :laughing:

at least that's what I think normal people do....by meal I mean 1 full plate or 1 large bowl of food? does that sound normal?? lol I have no clue.

my bottomless pit stomach is definitely not normal lol. my "person size / food intake" ratio is borderline funny.

all day I was thinking...i _think_ this is how much a normal person would eat? lol.

I have no noticeable physical or emotional sensation at that point that would signal the end of something...other than visually the dish is empty. hmmm lol.

still I didn't die and I think I enjoyed this more than the "feeding window" that I did previously with ADF so I'm going to keep going with it and see what happens.


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## cuddle bun

eating day food log - November 2

this is what I ate on my eating day...I don't plan to log every eating day but I feel like I should log the first few at least, mostly to remind myself tonight and tomorrow that I already ate and it was good and I don't need to do it again already :laughing:

*breakfast*
- 2 scrambled eggs cooked with sausage and feta cheese.
that also had a splash of milk in the eggs and it was cooked with a generous amount of butter.
- 1 large mug of milk with coffee added

*lunch*
- sos pwa blan avec diri, a large bowl of it (like a salad bowl)
- a tall glass of milk

*dinner*
- shrimp cooked with tomatoes and onions and various spices and epis and oil/butter - plus some rice - a full skillet of shrimp and 1 large scoop of rice - it fit in my large salad bowl but just barely

*dessert*
- a generous slice of banana bread with cheesecake filling. this was really good...i like it better than the plain cream cheese filling that I was doing previously.
- a tall glass of milk 

I expect fasting tomorrow to be difficult because Friday night cooking experiments are fun for me and I really got spoiled with that when I was eating on consecutive days ...but I'll figure it out.

I do feel my energy levels and sleep and concentration starting to return to normal already now that I went back to ADF ...so that's good.


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## cuddle bun

I spent a lot of time punching my bean bag today to let off various kinds of steam and then I was pondering this.... I really only understand food and alcohol portion sizes in a social context and I find that odd. 

Especially since, someone whose opinion I trust about enneagram instincts told me that SO instinct is my "blind spot" and I really think he was right.

like this.....I understand all of this so vividly....
"if someone was visiting my house, how much would I feed them for 1 meal?"
"if I visited a restaurant that doesn't get reviews from other people about unusually large or tiny portion sizes, how much would they decide to feed me for one meal?"
"if other people were watching me eat, at what point would they stop worrying that I didn't eat enough?"
"if other people were watching me eat, at what point would they start joking that I eat a lot?"
"if someone was watching over me while I drink, at what point would they say that I had enough?"

but I do not understand this at all....
"I'm alone by myself; now how much will I eat or drink?"

fast metabolism covers a lot of my confusion there. Considering how much confusion I have on the topic of what to eat...and how willingly I err on the side of eating a lot... I should be _huge_. but in reality I'm....slightly thinner than "average" and a tiny bit softer than my goal.

I know a lot of people would say the answer is calorie tracking but I just really hate calorie tracking. calorie tracking is sooooooo Ti. It drives me up the freaking wall. and my perfectionism is bad enough; I don't need to pour lighter fluid on that fire. some things are better decided intuitively.

I am going to do deadlifts tonight. Punching my bean bag wasn't enough. It's ridiculous though the schedule days to do snatches and deadlifts with the same weight. There's no freaking way I'm doing 30lb deadlifts lol. I'm just going to quietly load two bars for two different exercises.


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## cuddle bun

November 4, 2017

I went to crossfit class today and we did a variety of stuff...
- a fun game where you run around trying to knock the ab mat out of other people's hands and when yours is knocked down you do 5 burpees.
- some arm exercises (pulling, pushing, delts, we had a shortage of very light dumbbells though so I let other people borrow mine and did more overhead presses and rows instead of delt raises)
- 9 minute AMRAP: 15 knees to chest, 10 deadlifts, 5 snatches. I used 105lb for the deadlifts and 35lb for the snatches and got 3 rounds in 9 minutes.
- clean & jerk max test with a 6 minute time limit. I did 55lb, 65lb, 75lb, 85lb, 95lb - 95lb went up pretty gracefully actually with room for error because I didn't get very low on the jerk but it still went up without turning it into an overhead press. At that point I ran out of time. Would have liked to try my previous max which was 100 but that's OK.


and I was so happy opening my mail today ... look at this 4" diameter springform cake pan that I got in the mail today (with a spoon for scale)   $7 on amazon and so much joy










This basically means that I can make myself 1/4 of a cake recipe and enjoy it in the space of 1 or 2 eating days, without worrying about food waste. For scale... 1/4 of the cheesecake recipe that I really liked the other day would be approximately 1 block of cream cheese, plus about 1/4 cup of sugar and 1/2 cup of sour cream and 1 egg and some graham cracker crumbs and butter. I think ideally it would be nice to split a cake of this size with 1 other person. But I didn't see any pans smaller than this and this is fine. I can deal with eating half of it 2 days later ... that's not such a bad timeline for leftovers.

I really dislike leftovers, I've noticed. Either food waste, or eating more than I would otherwise to avoid food waste - I don't really like either of those.


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## And1

Great to see, now you can get a proper cheesecake made this weekend!


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## cuddle bun

And1 said:


> Great to see, now you can get a proper cheesecake made this weekend!


Oh I already made it :laughing:

It's actually cooling down in the oven as we speak and I just finished cleaning up my kitchen ... it still has to refrigerate overnight...so I guess I find out tomorrow if I did good  I kind of altered the recipe by adding 2 layers of cherry sauce in the middle of it and some on top...I'll find out tomorrow if that was a flop...I think it will be OK though


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## cuddle bun

November 4 food log

alternate day fasting, eating day today:

*breakfast*
- 2 pieces of toast with melted cheese - goat cheese, provolone cheese, mozzarella cheese
- 2 eggs over easy, cooked in butter, which i ate on top of the toast 
- sliced sausage
- small bowl of greek yogurt with walnuts and honey
- 1 big mug of coffee which was more milk and cream than coffee (about 1/3 milk, 1/3 cream, and 1/3 coffee, plus sugar)

*lunch*
- 1 large bowl of leftover sos pwa blan avec diri (I made the rice new but used leftover sos pwa ... i think leftover rice was not so good last time)
- 1 large bowl of my favorite Haitian shrimp recipe which I added a little bit of Indian red chilli powder (which is basically just ground hot chilis) to make it borderline spicy and I liked that a lot 

*dinner*
was talking to a friend and didn't feel like stepping away from that to cook anything, so...
- 2 PBJ sandwiches but cashew butter instead of peanut butter
- 1 tall glass of milk

*dessert*
- the small 4" cheesecake that I made yesterday
- 1 tall glass of milk
- 1 white peony rose tea with honey.


so ... that cheesecake I made yesterday in case anyone is curious ...it tasted good and it did look better than my first attempt but I think it still needs more practice. I was looking at youtube after I made it and youtube says it turns out prettier if I cook it with the cake pan partially submerged in water and I want to try that. And I think I should go back to a plain one next time because the cherry sauce and cheesecake mix ended up partially mixing and blurring during baking and it muddied the overall color more than I wanted. I'm not trying to become a master baker or anything, I just want to know how to treat myself to a nice, small, good, pretty cheesecake at home every now and then without buying an entire cheesecake. and I miss the fresh color of a plain one ... that's nice.

I also have pictures of my breakfast (minus the coffee) 
and pictures of the shrimp and sos pwa. this batch of sos pwa I think it looks a little too green because I put a little too much epis in it, and it was a tiny bit too salty for my taste too... still I'm finishing off that batch before I make a new one, trying to be less of a princess about food waste and leftovers


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## cuddle bun

November 5 food log

The reason I am having a 2nd eating day today is because Thanksgiving falls on an odd-numbered day this month and I just want to "set it and forget it" with my whole eating schedule for Thanksgiving. For the rest of November I can eat on the odd-numbered days.

(Yes I am planning to do alternate day fasting while I travel to my family for Thanksgiving ... they already know I do this and they know why so I don't think it will be socially awkward as long as I can still eat with them on Thanksgiving day. Actually my mom does ADF too lately, most of the time...she heard me talking about it and tried it and she really likes it...she has more weight to lose than I did and she is losing it at a good pace with minimal frustration)

I still feel like I had plenty yesterday so this is just 1 generous meal and then I'm done for the day....kind of a half eating day...


*breakfast*
- 3 scrambled eggs with a splash of whole milk, cooked with red & green bell peppers and feta cheese and butter
- sliced sausage
- 1 coffee with 6 ounces of half & half plus sugar
- 1 small bowl of greek yogurt + cashew butter + milk + walnuts + honey...and that probably sounds odd so I will explain... I just had a random thought "hmmm I kind of like plain greek yogurt, but I really love cashew butter and milk...what would it taste like if I beat all 3 of them together with an egg beater?" and I tried it and it was actually really good. it softened the sourness of the plain greek yogurt so much that I could probably eat it without honey if I really wanted to. but why would I want that! haha! with honey it was even better)


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## cuddle bun

November 6 food log

I was planning to fast today but woke up absolutely ravenous, anxious, stressed, feeling as if I had fasted all day yesterday except I hadn't ... trying to decide what to do. One thing I am learning about ADF is just...._not to mess with it_. the only time I struggle with it is when I have messed with that methodical rhythm of it and I definitely did yesterday.

I still want my full eating days to be on the odd-numbered days for November though because of Thanksgiving. 

For the sake of my own sanity I did another "half" eating day today instead of a fasting day. and then tomorrow I can wake up to a full eating day and get back in the rhythm and hopefully not need to mess with it again for quite some time.

*breakfast*
- 3 pieces of toast with melted cheese
- a few pieces of mozzarella cheese while I cooked
- sliced sausage (less than yesterday...I ran out and didn't want to bother dethawing anything)
- Greek yogurt mixed with some leftover cheesecake mix from the other day (I mixed them with the egg beater) plus some walnuts and honey. That was really really good. I didn't finish all of it because it was a lot more filling than I expected but it tasted great.
- 1 coffee with 4 ounces of whole milk and some sugar


sounds like a lot of dairy today and it was....that's me trying to just use what I have in the fridge instead of dethawing or buying anything. 

so yeah....tomorrow I am officially starting ADF...1 full day of eating followed by 1 full day of fasting, repeat. Like clockwork and above all trying not to mess with it.


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## cuddle bun

November 6 gym

I went to crossfit class and we did...
- dumbbell bench press (I used 20lb for 10 sets of 3)
- pullups (I did 1 strict pullup and the rest jumping pullups, 10 sets of 3)
- 20 continuous minutes of 30 meter dumbbell walking lunges (I used 20lb dumbbells), 15 target burpees (jumping up to hit a stationary target between burpees), and 25 calorie row - I just barely got 3 full rounds of this with 0 seconds to spare


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## cuddle bun

last night made me confront a very important philosophical question.....at what point does an "eating day" begin if I was awake all night watching YouTube cooking videos? 
:laughing:

literally....awake....ALL... night....watching... cooking...videos.

wow lol.

I decided that it starts at 5:00 am. without sleeping for even 2 minutes yet I went to the store and got butter and gluten free bread. and then I came back and made the most amazing breakfast sandwich trying something that I saw in a youtube video where she uses bacon like a scaffold to fry an egg in, and then that whole structure goes on the sandwich. except I used sausage instead of bacon so I can use up what I have. and also added cream cheese and mayo to my sandwich in addition to melted cheese because....fuck yeah. then I ate that while muttering "oh dear God" to myself over and over. Then I slept from 6 to noon.

I promise my eating schedule is going to get a lot more normal from now on :laughing:


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## cuddle bun

November 7 food log

breakfast
- breakfast sandwich with egg, sausage, cheese, cream cheese, mayo
- some extra sausage pieces that didn't fit in the sandwich
- small bowl of cheese and crackers
- tall glass of milk

lunch
- Haitian spaghetti recipe 
- Greek yogurt with honey and walnuts
- 17oz coconut water

snack
- another similar breakfast sandwich except without sausage because I ran out
- 1 tall glass of milk
- 17oz coconut water
- white tea with milk and honey 

dinner
- large bowl of leftover Haitian spaghetti sauce without noodles

dessert
- 2 large pieces of banana bread with cream cheese filling
- tall glass of milk


logging a lot of dairy again because I really want to use up what I have in the fridge. apparently i forget that I have cheese and then buy it again....quite often


----------



## cuddle bun

I skipped crossfit tonight to help my landlord by showing my apartment to someone (which benefits me too if we can find someone because if we find someone then my lease could end a few weeks earlier with less rent overlap)

feeling like alternate day fasting is so hard this week. I know why it is. I'm just used to eating daily. the rhythm isn't set yet. I'm dealing with it by planning what I want to eat tomorrow...same way I got through this phase first time around. it does get easier eventually I remember. tomorrow I really want another breakfast sandwich...that is what I'm craving most and I'm craving it so hard. and some chicken that has been marinating in my fridge since last eating day (I thought I was going to cook it last time but I was too lazy...i bet it's amazing now though). I also have a craving for... sour cream mixed with sugar and cream cheese (mixed with an egg beater) (maybe an egg in there too). in a bowl with chocolate chips and walnuts and honey on top of it. Hmm lol.


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## cuddle bun

I did make it through my fasting day yesterday without implementation problems. I was really happy with how glowy my skin looked last night and that helped me remember why I stick to this seemingly strange way of eating. it really does make good physical changes in me. and I'm so happy to be eating today. 

I really picked a winning time to get back into ADF. it is hard right now - not just because I got so used to eating on consecutive days, but also because of the time of the month (I'm due in 2 days). but the operative word there is - _hard_ - not _impossible_. No implementation problems in spite of the mental struggle. actually it cheers me up knowing that the time of the month is making this harder, because it should get a lot easier from here.

and now that I have enough weight data to compare apples to apples, it looks like my weight really held steady while I was doing that "eat a few days/ fast a few days / repeat" experiment. no significant loss or gain compared to where I ended alternate day fasting last time I did it (when I was actually making an effort to stay hydrated).


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## cuddle bun

November 9 food log

breakfast 
- 2 breakfast sandwiches - one had sausage, egg, cheese, cream cheese, mayo - the other was similar but without sausage and cream cheese
- some sausage pieces that didn't fit in the sandwich 
- 1 small bowl of crackers and cream cheese
- 1 small mug of milk 
- 17oz coconut water
- 1 coffee with milk and sugar

lunch 
- large bowl of fried chicken ...i was actually following a Haitian chicken recipe but left out the vegetables and ate only the chicken. it was good. actually it was marinating for 2 days since i was too full to cook it last eating day so it was reallllly good.
- a big handful of chopped cashews on top of the chicken 
- 17oz coconut water

snack
- bowl of sour cream (I wanted yogurt but ran out and this tastes very similar...maybe even better) mixed with honey, sugar, walnuts, peanuts
- 17oz coconut water

dinner
- 2/3 of a frozen pizza that I added ground beef and extra cheese to (a lot of ground beef...about 1lb across the whole pizza)
- 2 squares of chocolate 
- 17oz coconut water


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## cuddle bun

so...this is one of the recipes that I watched while I was staying awake all night the other day to look at food ...actually this was the _final_ recipe that I watched that night ... when I saw it I was like _yep... I'm done. It's 5am. it's time to eat_ 
:laughing:

definitely trying it tomorrow 






and this one ...yeah I need to try this






Lol at the comments section - "What if you don't have friends and you want to eat the whole thing in a closet alone?" - lol. Real talk.

Edit: I feel so lazy, basically turned this into a food log this week instead of an exercise log! haha! I am going to try hard to go to crossfit class tonight though.


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## cuddle bun

confession! I went off my eating plan yesterday. My brain has difficulty with limits in multiple ways ...if I open up a little then I open up a lot ...and this was definitely a case of that. 

I decided to follow my messed-up fast with a full eating day as scheduled ... the reason is that I don't want to get in the habit of "bargaining" with myself about how to mess up fasts and how to fix that afterwards ...because if I see it as something "fixable" then I am a lot more likely to go off plan later, by telling myself "oh I can just fix it later"...

...so full eating day today as scheduled and I can already tell I'm not enjoying it as much as usual but I think that's good for me. Next time I feel tempted to eat on a fasting day I can tell myself "I'll appreciate food more tomorrow if I wait"...which is a lot more convincing in the long haul to my brain compared to "if I mess up today then I can do _____ tomorrow to fix it"....just how my brain is wired I guess. Bargaining is a slippery slope for me. One shot to get it right and then dealing with the consequences like a champ if I don't - that's much better. and the "consequences" in this case would be mostly a not-pretty blip on my weight chart plus less enjoyment on my eating day. I don't think one slip up is going to affect my goal in the long run but those 2 things still bother me on some small level.


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## cuddle bun

I took a break from detailed log entries this week but here's a quick summary of how my week went..

Food: I did get my alternate day fasting back on track. following that messed-up fast last Friday with a full eating day as scheduled, was motivationally the best thing I could have followed it with. it really helped me stay on track. seeing how that played out. ending a fast early is nowhere near as satisfying as finishing it. After trying it I vastly prefer respecting the schedule and feeling the full enjoyment of breaking a true 36 hour fast. things just don't taste as good as I'm used to when I break it early, and then following the early break with a full eating day really hammers home how unsatisfying it is. at the same time it completely avoids mental kickbacks and emotional debt because I didn't feel deprived like I would have if I had tried to follow it with a fast. (actually I felt the opposite - I wanted so badly just to get back on track.) so motivationally I haven't had trouble being consistent since then.

Weight: my weight is suddenly 3-4 pounds higher this week in spite of my consistent efforts... I'm not sure if that's time of the month fighting me with water retention, or annual "body getting ready for winter" that seems to happen every year (with a corresponding drop as soon as I get some sun in the spring) or what. It's a little frustrating but I'll survive. I did cut out most dessert foods because of this - not all but just most - maybe a dessert on every single eating day is not a realistic expectation for me.

Exercise: none last week. I admit this is because I know I'm moving soon and I don't feel like reaching out socially to people who don't have enough time to become close friends. That's not much of an excuse but still...that's what goes through my head when I decide to stay home from crossfit class lately. My goal next week is to exercise at least twice and running is something nice that I can do even if I feel like being alone and avoiding awkward goodbyes with casual acquaintances.


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## cuddle bun

Weekly summary - I was traveling out of state to see my family last week. Got more exercise than the week before; mostly in the form of walking a lot, and also playing with my toddler niece.

Stuck to alternate day fasting while I traveled except for 2 consecutive eating days, for Thanksgiving and the next day, because my family couldn't eat all together on Thanksgiving....we had 2 holidays there instead of 1 so we could all eat together. and I don't mess around with partial eating days because it's too much of a pain trying to figure out how to follow that the next day without feeling deprived so 2 full eating days in a row there.

My weight was unchanged last week in spite of eating a lot on Thursday and Friday. I think that's just the timing...time of the month seems to affect whether or not an extra indulgence shows up on the scale or just disappears into nowhere 

I made a cheesecake Thursday night and we ate it with breakfast Friday morning and that was so fun! I loved cooking that for a big group of people and watching them go nuts over it. my mom's oven is a bit wacky but I even enjoyed trying to work around that and fretting over how it would turn out. like a puzzle. I also made the mashed potatoes for Thanksgiving using the Food Wishes youtube channel "ultimate mashed potatoes" recipe and it was a big hit. I don't like my mom's mashed potatoes so I had to take matters into my own hands.

my sleep is really wacky after traveling.


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## cuddle bun

November 28, 2017

Logging some exercise today...at home I did 100 burpees and then punched my beanbag for 3 minutes. this got my heart rate up a lot without the awkward goodbyes to casual acquaintances that I would have to deal with if I went to crossfit class. might have to do that again sometime because it changed my mood a lot in a short amount of time. I'm a fan.

I drank too much caffeine today and gave myself a headache. that on top of multiple other kinds of physical and emotional stress. I hope tomorrow is better.


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## cuddle bun

November 29, 2017

I did 10 jumping squats at home (with no weight).

I have a cold and that sucks. My sleep and food rhythm is off because of the cold... appetite is alternating between non-existent and overwhelming; sleep is either unavoidable or impossible. I had a caffeine-free day today and spontaneously fell asleep a few times in the early evening. I really needed that...and I need more of it tbh. tomorrow I'm skipping the caffeine again.


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## cuddle bun

typo.....that was supposed to be 100 not 10 but can't edit it for some reason.


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## cuddle bun

December 3, 2017

today I did 100 burpees... actually the only way I could convince myself to do any exercise today was to tell myself I was only doing 20 of them (20 takes less than 3 minutes) but once I got started I felt oddly compelled to continue to 100.

That "oddly compelled" feeling might sound good but it isn't necessarily a good thing to me. When I have some perfectionist urge to really challenge myself every time I work out then I end up doing fewer workouts overall. I mean, that's just an observable fact.

and my alternate day fasting schedule has been partially derailed ever since Thanksgiving...I've been eating 2 days and then fasting 1 day instead of eat 1 / fast 1. doing this even though I see my body starting to hold on to extra calories for winter. and that is frustrating. I wish I wasn't such a perfectionist. Derailing a little (even for a good reason) = derailing a lot. sometimes I wish I was not so perfectionist because of that.

I've been struggling with thoughts that some part of me goes into hibernation or suspended animation - or even dies - when I fast and that's very very confusing. It might be part of my seasonal depression talking. A feeling of missing out. these thoughts happen in spite of the fact that I feel so much better physically and mentally when I eat every other day instead of daily. I feel observable improvements in my concentration, mobility, pain levels, skin appearance, reduced inflammation, etc etc. but still I get this freakish feeling that I'm not actually truly "alive" unless it's an eating day and it freaks me the fuck out. When I get those thoughts I end up either breaking the fast earlier than planned because it freaks me out so much - or reading large amounts about autophagy and feeling oddly comforted like "yes parts of me die when I fast and it's called autophagy and it's a good thing" and continuing it. Reading about autophagy seems to comfort me for reasons I can't describe even though it feels like the fear is more emotional and social; not physical. today is a "read large amounts about fasting; feel comforted and continue it" kind of day. but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't struggling with these thoughts almost constantly. in every fast I've attempted since Thanksgiving.

I have been following one rule very well this week...no caffeine on consecutive days even if I eat on consecutive days. My efforts to learn how to make better coffee had an unintended side effect of getting me addicted to it already - dammit. But if I only drink it every 2nd or 3rd day then I feel like it doesn't have full control over me physically. Sometimes I spontaneously fall asleep for 1-2 hour naps on the days when I didn't drink it ...and that feels like a good thing.


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## cuddle bun

I haven't added anything to this fitness log in a while ... it has been a mess of out of state moving plus holiday travel.

I'm really on the fence about my body goals in 2018. On Christmas I weighed 136lb (same weight I was when I started this journal). After one 4 day fast and then a few days of eating I am currently 133lb. Anything between 115 and 145 is a "normal BMI" for my height but aesthetically I think I could do better. I feel like I'm at that weight where I look great in clothes but a little too fluffy for my taste in a bathing suit. I also need to make some friends after moving and exercise classes are a good way to do that.

And there are 6 equally convincing goals that have all been bouncing around in my head...

1. Get down to 125lb using ADF with weekly double down days and an eating window! Sure it was strict and depressing, but it got me down to 125lb last summer, it can work again.

2. Get down to 125lb using extended fasting. Do an extended fast down to 120 every time my weight goes above 125lb. The first fast would be longer but then subsequent fasts would be shorter and more frequent. Fully in control of my weight!

3. Get down to 125lb using intuitive portion control since I seem to lack fullness receptors that would tell me when to stop eating like a normal person. a.k.a., Finding some crutch that will make me feel satisfied with a "normal" amount of food instead of the "my metabolism is a firehouse" massive feasting that I know I am capable of. (The idea that popped into my head was eating while wearing a corset or some other shapewear - it's actually not a bad idea)

4. Body acceptance - 135lb at 5'4" is totally fine, what am I smoking if I think I need to weigh 125?! And plus maybe the reason my metabolism is so high is because I eat so much and that's a good thing!

5. Body recomposition - 135lb at 5'4" would look a lot hotter if I started lifting weights again.

6. Leave my weight alone and just try to solve my digestive bloating. because really the only time I get the urge to lose weight is when I'm full of food and it started to expand in my intestines and then my waist no longer looks small. It's not even fat that I get the urge to lose it's more like food weight and air volume. I really like my 25" waist and 39" hips when I'm _not_ bloated. That can expand up to 31" waist when I ate something that makes me bloated ... it's a massive difference.


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I keep feeling like options 5 and 6 are calling me the most loudly today, but it varies from day to day. I'm just not decided yet and the new year came before I had a clear goal to make a new year's resolution out of. I feel like 6 needs a solution no matter what else I do.

I started a belly dancing class recently too and I like it a lot. In my new location crossfit is suddenly a lot more expensive and I'm on the fence about whether or not to switch to something different because of that. But there are multiple crossfit gyms here and I'm not done trying all of them yet.


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## Veggie

Weird, I was just thinking I wanted to log today after forever and then I pulled up the forum and you'd done the same.

Happy New Year! Lots of time before bathing suit season to figure it out too 

And moving plus holidays is so stressful lol. Props for the motivation what with belly dancing and all. I almost got into that with a couple girl friends a while ago but then we never properly coordinated with scheduling and it still remains a mysterious work out form for me. haha.


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## cuddle bun

Veggie said:


> Weird, I was just thinking I wanted to log today after forever and then I pulled up the forum and you'd done the same.
> 
> Happy New Year! Lots of time before bathing suit season to figure it out too
> 
> And moving plus holidays is so stressful lol. Props for the motivation what with belly dancing and all. I almost got into that with a couple girl friends a while ago but then we never properly coordinated with scheduling and it still remains a mysterious work out form for me. haha.


I would love it if you started logging again...logging is more fun with buddies.  also if we lived close I would definitely try to talk you into trying a belly dancing class because it is a lot of fun. I'm just making all kinds of realizations lately that I need to be in some sort of dance class because a) dancing is a useful life skill, perhaps more useful than clean & jerk, ha! b) I am very bad at it c) I admire people who dance well and I want to be better at it, c) belly dancing is a lot less "white girl trying way too hard to be black" compared to other kinds of dance classes I could take around here, even though I'll be honest the hip hop dance class really makes me feel wistful too


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## cuddle bun

January 3, 2018

I went to 2 back to back dance classes today...one is the beginner belly dancing class and the 2nd was a Latin America folk dancing class that also had a lot of hip movement. both very fun. I think my favorite belly dancing move is ribcage popping, partly because I seem to be able to do it, lol. then we add slow, smooth walking on top of the crisp ribcage popping and I love that too. 

there are definitely parts of the belly dancing class where I just crumble mentally because of multiple movements at the same time, or because I can do it slow but not fast...but it's only my 2nd class so I assume that's normal....it'll feel more automatic eventually.

I ate a lower carb day today because it seems to help minimize bloating for me...a dancing class while bloated would have been really uncomfortable and difficult. not totally zero carb because avoiding wheat allergy is enough of a burden already ...I don't need even more food restrictions than I already have.


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## Short Cake Cake

cuddle bun said:


> I would love it if you started logging again...logging is more fun with buddies.  also if we lived close I would definitely try to talk you into trying a belly dancing class because it is a lot of fun. I'm just making all kinds of realizations lately that I need to be in some sort of dance class because a) dancing is a useful life skill, perhaps more useful than clean & jerk, ha! b) I am very bad at it c) I admire people who dance well and I want to be better at it, c) belly dancing is a lot less "white girl trying way too hard to be black" compared to other kinds of dance classes I could take around here, even though I'll be honest the hip hop dance class really makes me feel wistful too


Lol white girl trying to be a Bollywood star is better? Kidding. I hate exercise so much but I can't keep relying on decent genes. I'd like a bigger bum. My waist is also 25 but I'm 5'6.5 so I don't really want it to shrink...

Have you tried intermittent fasting? I highly prefer than to general day(s) of fasting. Also lower carb definitely helps with bloating, I only bloat when I eat a lot of high/med processed carb. Whole wheat bread is still processed :')


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## cuddle bun

Short Cake Cake said:


> Lol white girl trying to be a Bollywood star is better? Kidding. I hate exercise so much but I can't keep relying on decent genes. I'd like a bigger bum. My waist is also 25 but I'm 5'6.5 so I don't really want it to shrink...
> 
> Have you tried intermittent fasting? I highly prefer than to general day(s) of fasting. Also lower carb definitely helps with bloating, I only bloat when I eat a lot of high/med processed carb. Whole wheat bread is still processed :')


Lol there aren't very many dancing options for a white girl trying to be white, are there? 

I read "have you tried intermittent fasting" with a puzzled facial expression because to me that's a big generic category that includes everything from skipping a single meal once a week to doing week-long fasts twice a month. Then I realized oh you probably mean have I tried intermittent fasting where the fast/eat cycle is contained in a single day, like OMAD or 16:8 or 20:4. Yes I tried those. Interestingly I did not see as many physical benefits with those as I see when the fast is 30 hours or longer - the change in appearance in my face, skin, changes in concentration, sudden burst of energy about 20 hours into the fast that only seems to happen if I know I'm not about to start eating, etc. So that's why I do longer fasts.

I agree with you about carbs and bloating though....lower carb is helping a lot with that.


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## cuddle bun

So .... even though I don't have a new year body goal yet, apparently my J is still forcing me to act anyway even though I'm not decided on a goal. And the stuff I am doing on that front is.......


1. Going to dance classes.

2. Eating less carbs than I did in 2017 because it seems to help with bloating. I'm not going to call it "low carb" or "keto," because that sounds way too restrictive and after avoiding wheat for 10+ years I'm fully aware of the emotional/social costs of removing vast food groups from my diet. I have to do that for wheat but I don't _have to_ do it for carbs, so therefore "less carbs" is better to me than "strict low carb." A.k.a I still put caramel sauce in my coffee and I don't nitpick about what kind of nuts I eat because one has 5 grams of carbs while the other has 2. It's more like, less of the most boring carbs like rice and pasta, a reduction but not a complete elimination of the food group.

3. Although I feel like I need a break from fasting every other day, but I do plan to fast if my morning weight is 135lb or higher (with an undefined fast length but probably at least 30 hours like usual). and if I move this threshold any lower then I would move it 1lb at a time. Drastic strategies are not really appealing to me at the moment.

4. I am wearing things that compress my waist more often because I'm curious to see if they will help me feel full. on the topic of feeling full...I eat as much as a 180lb male except at the end of it he says he's in physical pain from how much he ate, and I'm not, more like... wondering what else I can munch on. Sometimes seems a bit wacky there. Maybe my fast metabolism hides it for now but I don't always want to rely on that.


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## cuddle bun

ok so the combination of this



cuddle bun said:


> Going to dance classes.


plus this



cuddle bun said:


> wearing things that compress my waist more often because I'm curious to see if they will help me feel full.


is forcing me to work through some trigger points in my *neck* of all places. I think I know why, too, if anyone is interested in nerdy muscle geeking out like I am. While I was driving all day to visit my parents I noticed that my entire torso moves if I look over my right shoulder - but not if I look over my left shoulder. There's a lot of compensation happening elsewhere in the body for some muscle that's too tight in my neck.

and when I do a bunch of isolations in dance class, then come home and keep my torso totally stationary while I work because I'm trying this new corset that I got in the mail, then I turn my head to the side and that tight muscle in my neck is not only sore from dance class but also forced to stretch whether it wants to or not because my torso isn't compensating.

Hard to tell if the tight muscle group is what it feels like it is (mostly my upper traps & levator scapula, but a little farther down too like rhomboids) - or some other muscle that refers pain to those muscles (like maybe scalenes).

but either way I am enjoying working on that trigger point release in a nerdy way and I feel appreciative of the situation for bringing it to my attention.


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## cuddle bun

I think I got that tight muscle in my neck smashed thoroughly enough that it relaxed, so yay. 

My left QL and left medial glutes are the next thing that's complaining. I am pretty sure I know what's happening here. This corset that I'm wearing more often to help me feel full, is encouraging me to move/sit/stand, etc in a position that's a lot more symmetrical than what I'm used to. Some muscles are just locked up/tight, not stretchy enough, and they complain about going through normal everyday motions with that much symmetry. 

I see this as a good thing though, like it put a spotlight on the muscles that need some extra massage to loosen up, and massaging those muscles will help me...more symmetry will help me.

It's kind of obvious what it's doing, when I turn my head or bend over to pick up trash or something like that, I feel myself initially headed towards unsymmetrical movement patterns but the asymmetrical movement creates uneven pressure on the corset that feels weird... so then I feel myself switch to a more symmetrical movement pattern that feels like even pressure everywhere....and yep then then I feel some muscle or another complaining about the symmetry. As an example, apparently I normally bend over to pick up trash with spine in a ) shape with my left QL tightened. The corset wants me to bend over with my spine in a | shape and my left QL contracts a little bit _while also stretching_ to make that happen, and that muscle is just not stretchy enough to be happy...yet.

This is even more noticeable when all my postural/alignment muscles are a little bit sore from doing head/ribcage/pelvis isolations in dance class.


and here's a picture of the devilish contraption if anyone is curious what I'm talking about. I say devilish sarcastically ... I actually love this, for both the original intended purpose (feeling full sooner) and also for this unexpected side effect of moving in a more symmetrical way.









Before you get all "that's not healthy!" on me, let me point out that I already have a pretty curvy waist/hip ratio to begin with because of my wide hip bones ... and this thing is actually not curvy enough to compress my waist at all. Some corsets have a waist that would be significantly smaller than mine if they fit me in the ribcage and hips. This one doesn't. My ribcage, waist, and hip measurements are exactly the same with or without it. It's snug enough to give me some impossible-to-ignore feedback when I'm moving in an unsymmetrical way, or when I ate a meal size that would make most people feel full. But it's also not tight enough to compress me beyond the measurements that I am naturally.

So don't get all "that's not healthy!" on me, it's just not tight enough for that. The fact that it's incredibly socially clueless to wear a corset in 2018 would be a valid concern though, lol! I don't think I could argue with that.


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## cuddle bun

January 8, 2017

today I did the beginner belly dance class again (my 3rd beginner belly dance class I think)

lots of those movements are getting easier and more symmetrical. some are still hard. I am enjoy this class a lot better than lifting weights for some reason, maybe because it's a bit more out of my comfort zone.


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## clem

Congrats on your exercise consistency. Hope you can keep it up. Love the exercise inspo log.


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## cuddle bun

clem said:


> Congrats on your exercise consistency. Hope you can keep it up. Love the exercise inspo log.


Thanks!


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## cuddle bun

January 10, 2018

Two more dance classes today ... beginner belly dancing class immediately followed by latin american dance class.

In the latin american dance class we get to wear huge floofy skirts and that's fun. 

I seem to have completely lost the desire to lose weight because it feels like my desire to lose weight was more like a desire to have a small waist. And wearing my corset for feedback while I eat feels like it's more than enough to accomplish that. I bloat less, get full sooner, and overall eat less when I'm wearing it. I don't see my weight changing but I do see my waist is a lot smaller and that feels like enough. 

I definitely have QL trigger point # 1 in the picture below, made more obvious when I wear my corset around the house because this tight muscle is unhappy with the sudden switch to more symmetry in all my movements. I'm smashing that spot whenever I get a chance, but it seems resistant to massage so far. If it is still resistant after a few more days of that then I might switch to psoas massage instead. I have a vague memory from my powerlifting days, that psoas/QL/glute/TFL/ab trigger points are all connected on me but psoas massage was the thing that made them all finally calm down. I just really dislike actually doing the psoas massage because psoas is behind the intestines and I feel weird poking around there.


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## cuddle bun

it's cheesy but I woke up today feeling so self-confident  My waist looks very small today. I feel repetitive saying this but my desire to lose weight feels like it's 100% gone when my waist/hip ratio is good like this. I was 134 pounds today but I could see my abs today and I feel pretty.









wearing my corset for a few hours a day has taken me from a 30" waist to a 26.5" waist in less than a week and I don't think that's fat loss, it's literally just food volume. From eating smaller portions. I feel full sooner and eat smaller portions when I wear it, and the external pressure is comforting in a way that makes me feel not-deprived when I eat smaller portions. So now I know what normal people feel like when they say they only have room for a set amount of food when they eat...I never knew what that felt like. (And my food volume limit in one sitting when I wear it seems to be about 2 cups of food which is remarkably similar to how much other people eat naturally when I eat with other people).

I find myself reaching for smaller dishes instead of the truly massive bowl I used to eat from. y'all have literally no idea how much I was eating before this - or maybe you do haha. I think Veggie picked up on it when she said I was "eating like a pregnant horse." I am surprised I wasn't obese considering my portion sizes...I might have some crazy adaptive thermogenesis because my weight stays relatively stable either way*other than a few pounds of food weight.

There's a small problem though, this corset that I started with (which is Orchard Corsets CS-426 standard in case anyone is curious) is actually less curvy than my natural body shape. In the hips it's curvy enough for me but not in the ribs. Meaning ... it compresses my ribs uncomfortably if I get it laced tight enough to truly match my natural waist measurement. And if I keep it loose enough that my ribs are totally comfortable, then the waist feels loose on me. I've read that this is actually a very common problem with relatively inexpensive off-the-rack corsets. And it's the curviest model that Orchard Corsets offers so I would have to look for a different brand if I try to fix that. I'm on the lookout for one that's just a little more hourglass-curvy instead of pear-shape-curvy because I think that will be more comfortable and help me get more even pressure.

I am also enjoying the switch from lifting weights + crossfit to dance because I didn't enjoy feeling stiff and immobile between workouts. Dance still makes sore in its own way, especially in postural/alignment muscles, but not in the way that makes my mobility suffer....it's more like a feeling that an itch is being scratched when I move. I think I just want to stick to dance for now ... I need a break from my mental comfort zone and I think dance gets me farther out of my comfort zone than lifting did.


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## cuddle bun

Yesterday I needed to use the lacrosse ball on my TFLs and medial glutes again - that was a mess from all the hip work yesterday. And while I did that I was looking at the youtube Howcast belly dance videos - I love the dancer who does these - Irina Akulenko.

I need to learn how to do this "reverse undulation" ...that's something we haven't gotten to in the beginner classes yet but I love so much how it looks, especially like how she does it ending with a crisp chest pop on the downbeat. Tried to do it in the mirror but my whole torso feels sore so I have to wait a bit and try it again later.





and here's another video of her in a performance...I really love how snakelike her arms and torso are in the beginning of this video.


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## clem

Maybe Irina was a snake in a prior life. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Veggie

cuddle bun said:


> It doesn't help that I strongly dislike my job. I briefly felt enough motivation to email a massage school for a potential career change that would be intellectually interesting with more human interaction - then later backed out of going to visit them for a tour thanks to my own ambivalence about the thought of making less money. (And also because I look like I was crying and how weird would it be to show up for a tour like that.) And then my weird job situation leads to thoughts about my future because someday I might like to have kids and I actually happen to like the thought of traditional gender roles with the woman staying home to raise kids and cook ... and then what ... do I quit my job or what...because at the moment I make more per hour than most people, how does that work out? I definitely can't keep my job at that point. Working from home on software with kids running around trying to get my attention - making them feel completely rejected if I need to concentrate - _really_? That's literally the dumbest thought that ever crossed my mind.


Lol, this is funny. I didn't do software, but I was kinda in that world as an in house recruiter for a small IT company. I was with someone at that time - we'd talked marriage occasionally (we were briefly engaged at the end) - and I had similar thoughts about kids.... I went back to school for massage  I did a full time six month program. I figured if we had kids I'd feel more maternal (my job was so stressful lol) and have more flexibility. If not, I wouldn't have to sit at a desk, schooling was relatively cheap and fast, and the license is fairly easily transferable between most US states.

Now I'm actually thinking about getting back into the tech field - but on the technical side of things. Haha. So sort of a reverse of your situation. It doesn't look like motherhood is maybe even in the cards for me, and the industry varies a lot depending on where you are, regardless of the transfer-ability of the license. I made decent money doing it in the mid-Atlantic region, but it's totally different down south (where I am now). The commission splits are much less if you go to work for someone else, and the profession is seemingly viewed with less respect overall. (People do tend to tip more here though... ). 

I spent so much time trying to set myself up for these hypothetical situations and now I'm just kinda like f it. What makes the most sense here and now. I totally feel you with the anxiety of projecting into the future. Whether it's just a brief passing thought or not. (I don't think it's dumb. But maybe that's just because I'm defending my decisions ).

If you give it any more thought though and have any questions or something, I did the massage thing for a few years.


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## cuddle bun

clem said:


> Maybe Irina was a snake in a prior life.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Ha maybe she was!

When I watch her I realize I really need more flexibility in my hip flexors. Part of that reverse undulation is a posterior pelvic tilt and when she does that, it's only her pelvis that rotates separately from her spine and legs. But when I do it, I can rotate from anterior pelvic tilt to neutral than I hit a flexibility limit rotating it further. And then past that limit my entire waist-to-thigh region moves like one big fused block, very blocky. I think, if my hip flexors were more flexible then I could get it. And I know my hip flexors are both tight and weak from my office job sitting all the time. I have to stay on top of that this week....smashing all the hip flexors and see if I can get them to loosen up.


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## cuddle bun

Veggie said:


> Lol, this is funny. I didn't do software, but I was kinda in that world as an in house recruiter for a small IT company. I was with someone at that time - we'd talked marriage occasionally (we were briefly engaged at the end) - and I had similar thoughts about kids.... I went back to school for massage  I did a full time six month program. I figured if we had kids I'd feel more maternal (my job was so stressful lol) and have more flexibility. If not, I wouldn't have to sit at a desk, schooling was relatively cheap and fast, and the license is fairly easily transferable between most US states.
> 
> Now I'm actually thinking about getting back into the tech field - but on the technical side of things. Haha. So sort of a reverse of your situation. It doesn't look like motherhood is maybe even in the cards for me, and the industry varies a lot depending on where you are, regardless of the transfer-ability of the license. I made decent money doing it in the mid-Atlantic region, but it's totally different down south (where I am now). The commission splits are much less if you go to work for someone else, and the profession is seemingly viewed with less respect overall. (People do tend to tip more here though... ).
> 
> I spent so much time trying to set myself up for these hypothetical situations and now I'm just kinda like f it. What makes the most sense here and now. I totally feel you with the anxiety of projecting into the future. Whether it's just a brief passing thought or not. (I don't think it's dumb. But maybe that's just because I'm defending my decisions ).
> 
> If you give it any more thought though and have any questions or something, I did the massage thing for a few years.


Oh that's fascinating! And that's exactly what I'm afraid of ... wanting to go back to tech eventually because I disliked something or other after the change. I would love to pick your brain what you love or hate about massage as a career. To me it's such a fascinating thing - fascinating that I can fix my own pain and my own alignment problems so reliably with massage. And I spend hours googling it and practicing it on myself even though I'm obviously not paid to do that. A job that actually intersects with an interesting topic would be kind of refreshing.

And I asked another one of my friends what she dislikes about massage about a career. Her answer was "I love being an LMT but for me to practice the way I wanted, clinically (TrP, myofascial release, sports and medical) I had to become self employed. The spas and big box massage places won't let you do that, at least not around here. So really any downsides are self employed stuff, attracting clients and stuff like that. The other part is it's definitely not a 9 to 5."

And I do want to practice it in the same way, and attracting clients sounds like social anxiety torture to me. So my thought when I read that was maybe physical therapy is a better goal for me even though it would certainly be more expensive and more calendar time to get there.


----------



## Veggie

cuddle bun said:


> Oh that's fascinating! And that's exactly what I'm afraid of ... wanting to go back to tech eventually because I disliked something or other after the change. I would love to pick your brain what you love or hate about massage as a career. To me it's such a fascinating thing - fascinating that I can fix my own pain and my own alignment problems so reliably with massage. And I spend hours googling it and practicing it on myself even though I'm obviously not paid to do that. A job that actually intersects with an interesting topic would be kind of refreshing.
> 
> And I asked another one of my friends what she dislikes about massage about a career. Her answer was "I love being an LMT but for me to practice the way I wanted, clinically (TrP, myofascial release, sports and medical) I had to become self employed. The spas and big box massage places won't let you do that, at least not around here. So really any downsides are self employed stuff, attracting clients and stuff like that. The other part is it's definitely not a 9 to 5."
> 
> And I do want to practice it in the same way, and attracting clients sounds like social anxiety torture to me. So my thought when I read that was maybe physical therapy is a better goal for me even though it would certainly be more expensive and more calendar time to get there.


I thought about physical therapy too, but I think it takes about seven years of education or something crazy (though if you already have your undergraduate degree I think there are ways around some of that... idk, I never really looked into it in depth). 

Yea, the self employment is stressful. I was on 1099 in my last position, so I figured why not just go to work for myself entirely - though I never made that leap. I wasn't so much worried about attracting clients (if you're good, word of mouth takes care of a lot of that for you more than you might expect) as I was about health insurance, sitting down with a lawyer to try to figure out an airtight release form (I had liability insurance, but still), finding a space (really, you could set up from home, but I'm just renting a singular room atm... I do have a table though, so I thought about maybe just making house calls), and then... if I'm running my own practice, some of the flexibility I had working for others is gone in terms of scheduling (probably need to be more consistently available). 

I kinda liked that it wasn't 9-5. A lot of my shifts would more so be about 11-8-ish... which works for my night owl self. lol. But weekends are the best money making days (especially at first before you build up a client base who tend to be more open to seeing you whenever) - which I didn't love when I started dating again and stuff. I did like talking to clients about their lives, helping people, moving around all day, down time between clients is genuine down time (apart from laundry and the like) - lots of pluses. 

Idk, I kinda got turned off from it due to complications of the area I was in mostly (lots of parlors and fronts for illegal activity (drugs, human trafficking) - I had detectives and police running through the place I managed more than I felt like dealing with. We were professional but this county wide ordinance had just been passed and... it's a long story. lol). There was more of a respected holistic scene when I was further north (and out west - my original plan had been to move to Portland).


----------



## cuddle bun

Veggie said:


> I thought about physical therapy too, but I think it takes about seven years of education or something crazy (though if you already have your undergraduate degree I think there are ways around some of that... idk, I never really looked into it in depth).
> 
> Yea, the self employment is stressful. I was on 1099 in my last position, so I figured why not just go to work for myself entirely - though I never made that leap. I wasn't so much worried about attracting clients (if you're good, word of mouth takes care of a lot of that for you more than you might expect) as I was about health insurance, sitting down with a lawyer to try to figure out an airtight release form (I had liability insurance, but still), finding a space (really, you could set up from home, but I'm just renting a singular room atm... I do have a table though, so I thought about maybe just making house calls), and then... if I'm running my own practice, some of the flexibility I had working for others is gone in terms of scheduling (probably need to be more consistently available).
> 
> I kinda liked that it wasn't 9-5. A lot of my shifts would more so be about 11-8-ish... which works for my night owl self. lol. But weekends are the best money making days (especially at first before you build up a client base who tend to be more open to seeing you whenever) - which I didn't love when I started dating again and stuff. I did like talking to clients about their lives, helping people, moving around all day, down time between clients is genuine down time (apart from laundry and the like) - lots of pluses.
> 
> Idk, I kinda got turned off from it due to complications of the area I was in mostly (lots of parlors and fronts for illegal activity (drugs, human trafficking) - I had detectives and police running through the place I managed more than I felt like dealing with. We were professional but this county wide ordinance had just been passed and... it's a long story. lol). There was more of a respected holistic scene when I was further north (and out west - my original plan had been to move to Portland).


Thank you for the detailed response! Hmmm I'm kind of a night owl too so that might not be terrible.

Oh man it's such a hard decision. I _love_ the schedule and the hourly rate I currently have, 12-5pm on weekdays, with no commute because I work from home, and a high enough rate per hour that I don't have to worry about spending more than I earn. That's so nice that I might as well call myself "partially retired" lol. Other than the job stress. It's a stressful job.

But it's hard to beat how much fascination I have about the topic of fixing pain on people. And how _little_ fascination I have about software. (basically zero fascination about software lol.) 

Yesterday I was experimenting on someone who had a bubble of pain in his shoulder around the upper traps - I just kind of went on a hunch and massaged his pecs and rotator cuff because I saw him moving his arm and felt like his range of motion looked restricted there. And he said the pain went from 90% to 25% in just a few minutes. That makes me so happy. Sooooo much more happy than I am when I do software.

Ugh I wish I could decide. Usually I'm a lot more decisive than this.


----------



## cuddle bun

January 30, 2018

I went to dance class again last night - a beginner belly dance class but a different dance studio and I really liked the new dance studio. 

We were practicing hip lifts and hip drops while walking - but specifically, doing the hip lifts and hip drops independent of which foot we are putting down when we walk. To me (and probably to most people) it feels most natural to step the right foot & drop the left hip at the same time. Stepping the right foot _and dropping the right hip_ at the same time feels super weird to me. I got to a point where I could do something like this:

1. step right - drop left hip
2. drop right hip
3. step left - drop left hip
4. drop right hip
repeat

and I could do this only if we go really slowly and I'm concentrating way too hard. 
1. step right - drop right hip
2. step left - drop left hip
repeat

That 2nd version was harder for the 1st one for some reason, even though it looks simpler - at least the 1st one felt normal on the right foot every time I stepped with my right foot.

then we got into a 3-quarter shimmy while walking with a hip drop on each step and I was COMPLETELY lost lol. Someday.


----------



## General Lee Awesome

did you get to your goal yet?


----------



## cuddle bun

General Lee Awesome said:


> did you get to your goal yet?


Lol I don't know why but I find this question hilarious. I'm way too ADHD to say yes to that


----------



## AshOrLey

Veggie said:


> I thought about physical therapy too, but I think it takes about seven years of education or something crazy (though if you already have your undergraduate degree I think there are ways around some of that... idk, I never really looked into it in depth).


You need a doctorate (DPT), so you need an undergrad and then 3 more years in graduate school, but you also need to fulfill the prereqs.

PT is an epic career choice from an entrepreneurial standpt, especially cause of the aging baby boom gen. OT as well. OT is rising in popularity and you currently only need a masters for that. In the past, only a bach was required. A doctorate in OT will most likely be required in the future since it's growing fast. So it'd be a more cost effective route. They're both very competitive and you need lots of observation hours, high GPA ect.


----------



## cuddle bun

January 31, 2018

beginner belly dance class again...I was actually the only person who showed up for class today and that has never happened before but I kind of got a private lesson because of it. I got some extra help with my shoulder shimmy and various kinds of hip shimmies... those are hard for me but slowly getting better.

later I had some time to do trigger point release on myself and I did my TFL and medial glutes on the left, psoas on both sides, upper quads on both sides, rotator cuff on both sides. after that I attempted a reverse undulation in the mirror, the one that had felt so blocky the other day, to test what I had done - it's suddenly not blocky. That makes me happy. still awkward because I have no idea how exaggerated it should be but it definitely looked not-blocky. I also want to fix some painless crunchy sounds in my collarbone/shoulder area when I move my collarbones like a shoulder roll.


----------



## cuddle bun

I had a moment of anger last night and hid my bathroom scale deep in the closet. I've definitely been eating less, feeling full with much less food, and feeling really great about how I look ... yet somehow my weight has managed to completely defy physics and go up anyway in the 6 weeks or so since I moved farther south. It's the kind of thing that makes me want to google conspiracy theories ...like medication in the fucking tap water. I found myself googling that and then I knew it was time to hide the scale.

I can see my abs, delts, ribs, hip bones. My waist/hip ratio looks great. Whatever my weight is, _it's fine._ lol. I just need my brain to shut up about my weight. And in order to get it to shut up, I need to hide the scale.


----------



## cuddle bun

February 6, 2018

beginner belly dance class focusing on hip stuff.


----------



## cuddle bun

February 7, 2018

belly dance class again; we worked on more hip stuff mostly.


----------



## clem

cuddle bun said:


> I had a moment of anger last night and hid my bathroom scale deep in the closet. I've definitely been eating less, feeling full with much less food, and feeling really great about how I look ... yet somehow my weight has managed to completely defy physics and go up anyway in the 6 weeks or so since I moved farther south. It's the kind of thing that makes me want to google conspiracy theories ...like medication in the fucking tap water. I found myself googling that and then I knew it was time to hide the scale.
> 
> I can see my abs, delts, ribs, hip bones. My waist/hip ratio looks great. Whatever my weight is, _it's fine._ lol. I just need my brain to shut up about my weight. And in order to get it to shut up, I need to hide the scale.


Its probably muscle gain in the thigh and calves from all the dancing.


----------



## cuddle bun

clem said:


> Its probably muscle gain in the thigh and calves from all the dancing.


Well something in my thighs has gotten bigger but I don't know what. my "forgiving jeans" are definitely tighter, and they got noticeably tighter before I washed them, so I don't think it was just stretching from repeated wear. muscle or fat or water who knows. But yeah it all went to my thighs 

Eating half of what I used to eat and yet weighing more. lol....it's enough to drive me mad. I think a break from the scale will do me good. When I'm not looking at the scale then I feel good about how I look.


----------



## cuddle bun

Yesterday and the day before I was pondering, is it ethically iffy for a white girl to take belly dancing classes or perform belly dance? I googled this and there are lots of people who answer yes to that. And also lots of people who answer no. It was interesting to read about it. 

The whole time I read I was thinking ... what about people who just want to make some friends and learn how to move as if their body parts are totally separate  And if it's wrong for a white girl to do belly dance, what about the white _guy_ in my belly dancing class who likes to wear a big floofy skirt and a crop top and shake his hips just like the girls. If I believed that it was ethically wrong for me to do this type of dance then out of necessity I would have to believe that it's ethically wrong for him too. And I really don't believe that. I think that stepping outside gender roles is just fine if people want to do that, and I think it's ethically important for people to have a safe way to experiment with their gender expression if they want to.

I'm still pondering it but my ethical system is centered around the concept of not doing unnecessary harm, and there are multiple kinds of harm I can picture so far....dance doesn't seem to fall into any category of harm that I am currently aware of. Am I missing something though? There's physical harm. Verbal harm. Nonverbal harm that also doesn't involve physical touch but can still be emotionally harmful, for example derogatory gestures. Financial harm. I have some trouble picturing how dance that I don't benefit from financially could fit into any of those categories - or maybe I'm missing a category completely. The other day I was reading something like "it's only ethically OK if you want to learn about the culture too" but I don't know - even someone who takes a belly dance class purely for isolation movement skill doesn't seem like they are causing harm in my mind, even if they are only interested in the body movements alone. I'm just thinking out loud though. If anyone else wants to think out loud about the same topic, I would be interested to read it.


----------



## Sylarz

cuddle bun said:


> Yesterday and the day before I was pondering, is it ethically iffy for a white girl to take belly dancing classes or perform belly dance? I googled this and there are lots of people who answer yes to that. And also lots of people who answer no. It was interesting to read about it.
> 
> The whole time I read I was thinking ... what about people who just want to make some friends and learn how to move as if their body parts are totally separate  And if it's wrong for a white girl to do belly dance, what about the white _guy_ in my belly dancing class who likes to wear a big floofy skirt and a crop top and shake his hips just like the girls. If I believed that it was ethically wrong for me to do this type of dance then out of necessity I would have to believe that it's ethically wrong for him too. And I really don't believe that. I think that stepping outside gender roles is just fine if people want to do that, and I think it's ethically important for people to have a safe way to experiment with their gender expression if they want to.
> 
> I'm still pondering it but my ethical system is centered around the concept of not doing unnecessary harm, and there are multiple kinds of harm I can picture so far....dance doesn't seem to fall into any category of harm that I am currently aware of. Am I missing something though? There's physical harm. Verbal harm. Nonverbal harm that also doesn't involve physical touch but can still be emotionally harmful, for example derogatory gestures. Financial harm. I have some trouble picturing how dance that I don't benefit from financially could fit into any of those categories - or maybe I'm missing a category completely. The other day I was reading something like "it's only ethically OK if you want to learn about the culture too" but I don't know - even someone who takes a belly dance class purely for isolation movement skill doesn't seem like they are causing harm in my mind, even if they are only interested in the body movements alone. I'm just thinking out loud though. If anyone else wants to think out loud about the same topic, I would be interested to read it.


What the hell? Why on earth would your race make it unethical to do a type of dance? WTF? hahaha.

No you're not harming anyone. How can you even entertain that possibility? Silly silly.


----------



## cuddle bun

Sylarz said:


> What the hell? Why on earth would your race make it unethical to do a type of dance? WTF? hahaha.
> 
> No you're not harming anyone. How can you even entertain that possibility? Silly silly.


it is actually a legit concern to a large number of people based on what I saw when I googled it.

I read blog posts from people who are deeply bothered by it and still I had some trouble picturing it but I'm farther along picturing it than I was before. It sounded like ...seeing a white person do a culturally specific dance reminds some people of how much racism they run into in their daily lives when they try to get in touch with their own roots and they are judged for that - but there's a white person getting in touch with roots that don't even belong to them and not getting the same judgment and it's like a painful reminder of racism in general.

Still ... when I read that, my brain thinks, isn't their pain caused by the other racist things that they were reminded of? Not caused by the thing that reminded them? Like when my black cat died. I felt very sad, and then a few months later I saw a black cat picture on facebook and I felt sad all over again. The pain is caused by my cat's death, not caused by the picture that reminded me of her death.

So likewise, I do have trouble picturing how a dance could be the cause of pain. In my mind I could picture it as a reminder of pain, and I think that pain is real, but that's as close as I got; I can't picture dance as the cause of anyone's pain, unless I'm missing something.


----------



## cuddle bun

more random wacky thoughts 
I have been enjoying wearing a corset lately because it helps me keep perfect symmetrical posture with a lot less effort while I work, and it helps me feel full with a more normal amount of food, and it just looks pretty to me (note I'm not going for the huge barbie-doll kind of waist reduction some people aim for when they're trying to change their ribcage shape over the course of several years all that...the look I'm aiming for is more like a slightly more badass waist/hip ratio than I already have but still natural-looking...and I already have wide hips and I already don't store much fat in the midsection, so it doesn't take much compression at all for me to get there.) like my natural waist measurement is 26-27" and then I wear a corset and it's 24-25" and that feels like a perfect amount of pressure. so not a lot of compression at all.

but off the rack corsets are not a perfect fit for all bodies and can be kinda painful because of that, I decided to splurge on a custom made corset just for me. tons of measurements and a mockup to test the fit before the real corset is made. anyway, I got the mockup this week and I lovvvvvvvve it. it's amazing how much suddenly comfortable it feels when everything fits me perfectly and the corset waist is in the exact spot where it should be between my hip bones and my ribcage. most corsets seem to put the corset waist a few inches higher than my real waist and that can get painful after a while with the smaller part of the corset sitting on ribs. i think when people assume corsets are painful that must be what they are talking about....waist in the wrong place anatomically.

and that splurge is why I decided to do a 60 day shopping ban and I'm failing miserably because I also bought some belly dancing clothes and lip gloss. fail fail fail  

it's like I want to be so fashionable for all the social situations that I am not in. it's kind of hilarious actually. depressing.

I also am very stressed about my job. and this is partly my fault for allowing it. it's a long story but my reasoning is....if they are not paying for an afternoon then I should be able to use that afternoon for anything I want including going completely offline. if they want me online then they need to buy that time. I feel like the only way to enforce this is to actually add something new to my plate, some new responsibility that will take me completely offline and away from a computer for large blocks of time. there's just no other way to explain it to them. the only way to explain it is to do it. and if they hate that then I can be like....welp....you didn't pay for that time so you don't get to choose what I do with it. but this whole concept of suddenly putting my foot down after years of NOT putting my foot down about it, stresses me out a lot. and adding more to my plate is stressful too. 

I also have a caffeine withdrawal headache today 
but at least my torso feels really good.that custom corset ugh. it's like a deep oblique/lower back massage is available at any moment just by bending to the side. the way it's shaped follows my iliac crests very closely and bending a little to the side feels like a nice massage for any muscles that attach to those. and I feel so good in the torso after doing that periodically all day.


----------



## clem

cuddle bun said:


> it is actually a legit concern to a large number of people based on what I saw when I googled it.
> 
> I read blog posts from people who are deeply bothered by it and still I had some trouble picturing it but I'm farther along picturing it than I was before. It sounded like ...seeing a white person do a culturally specific dance reminds some people of how much racism they run into in their daily lives when they try to get in touch with their own roots and they are judged for that - but there's a white person getting in touch with roots that don't even belong to them and not getting the same judgment and it's like a painful reminder of racism in general.
> 
> Still ... when I read that, my brain thinks, isn't their pain caused by the other racist things that they were reminded of? Not caused by the thing that reminded them? Like when my black cat died. I felt very sad, and then a few months later I saw a black cat picture on facebook and I felt sad all over again. The pain is caused by my cat's death, not caused by the picture that reminded me of her death.
> 
> So likewise, I do have trouble picturing how a dance could be the cause of pain. In my mind I could picture it as a reminder of pain, and I think that pain is real, but that's as close as I got; I can't picture dance as the cause of anyone's pain, unless I'm missing something.


Belly dancing lessons are not cultural misappropriation because its for exercise and therefore universal.


----------



## Sylarz

clem said:


> Belly dancing lessons are not cultural misappropriation because its for exercise and therefore universal.


I don't get how people buy into that hogwash.


----------



## cuddle bun

well hopefully you're both right because I really enjoy the belly dancing class a lot. and in my case it's definitely not stemming from an interest in Arabian culture or music. I just like how human bodies look when different body parts are isolated and moving while the rest of the body stays still. so that includes belly dance but also other kinds of body part isolation dance styles like animation dance....I wanna learn that someday too.

last week in my tribal fusion class we were practicing hip lifts and hip drops with this song and I felt like...yasssssssss this is perfect






if cultural misappropriation is a thing then I guess I'm doing it


----------



## cuddle bun

animation dance example ... I want to learn this :frustrating:


----------



## Sylarz

cuddle bun said:


> and in my case it's definitely not stemming from an interest in Arabian culture or music.


I find it hilarious that it would be problematic if you liked another culture... how is appreciating their culture worse than if you don't care about their culture and just wanna take some surface level trivialities from it? Haha. The logic of cultural appropriation is crazy. You're racist if you *like *their culture, you're racist if you *don't* like their culture.


----------



## cuddle bun

Sylarz said:


> I find it hilarious that it would be problematic if you liked another culture... how is appreciating their culture worse than if you don't care about their culture and just wanna take some surface level trivialities from it? Haha. The logic of cultural appropriation is crazy. You're racist if you *like *their culture, you're racist if you *don't* like their culture.


hmmm I was not defending myself there when I said I wasn't interested in the culture....I was saying that I am a perfect example of the "white girl doing belly dance but not even interested in Arabian culture!" person that some people appear to be deeply bothered by when I google this. lack of interest in the culture is part of what they are bothered by.


----------



## AshOrLey

I mean, it doesn't make logical sense because no one actually owns a culture.


----------



## cuddle bun

debating how far I should take my cultural misappropriation habits now that I've realized I'm doing that....like should I take a hip hop dance class too? :laughing:

*cons*: in the hip hop class it's very likely that I might look like an idiot.
*pros*: how much worse can it get.


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## cuddle bun

February 12, 2018

I did the beginner belly dance class. I don't know how but this class feels so challenging to me but also so "can't we learn something new already?!" at the exact same time. I guess that's just my short attention span. I want breadth breadth breadth and we keep doing depth depth depth. I have not yet mastered how to move my hips and my arms at the same time effortlessly and we keep focusing on that. meanwhile I really want to move on to something new that I might be able to do and then come back to the difficult things later.


----------



## clem

Sylarz said:


> I don't get how people buy into that hogwash.


I think they only look at the cultural appropriation part. They should also consider that there are valid reasons for doing certain things besides cultural appropriation. Otherwise, it would be cultural appropriation for nonjapanese to eat sushi for example.


----------



## cuddle bun

clem said:


> I think they only look at the cultural appropriation part. They should also consider that there are valid reasons for doing certain things besides cultural appropriation. Otherwise, it would be cultural appropriation for nonjapanese to eat sushi for example.


I love sushi. 

I'm pretty much ok with my cultural appropriation now that I've pondered it for a while. If I wanted to stick to definitely-not-cultural-approriation styles of dance, I have 3 choices nearby: a pole dancing class, an aerial silks class, and an Irish dance class (my last name and most of my ancestors are from Great Britain so close enough even though I'm probably more Welsh than Irish). All those were ruled out for various reasons.

Pole dancing - yeah. No. 

Aerial silks class - sounds fun but was booked solid for the foreseeable future.

Irish dance class - sounds incredibly boring to me because I want to learn all the body part isolation stuff and I doubt I could find that here.


so even just living where I live and deciding to take a dance class at all, period, is going to result in something that resembles cultural appropriation. adult dance class choices that actually sound interesting and doable near me are belly dance and hip hop. I don't know what to think about that except just: OK sign me up that sounds fun.


----------



## cuddle bun

February 13, 2018

beginner belly dance class again today ... we practice a lot of slow figure 8s in the hips and ribcage. I discovered the slow figure 8 is actually harder for me than medium speed...it gets jittery when I slow down that much. Because of the jitters and because I'm feeling limited ROM here and there I think I have some tight muscles somewhere that need some help tomorrow. I think it's my TFLs and upper quads again and maybe my lats too. so tomorrow I will try to deal with that on the foam roller and lacrosse ball.

I've gotten brave enough to do belly dancing class with an exposed abdomen (crop top and a floofy skirt) and that actually helps a lot, to see my abs and get a little more visual feedback about my posture and what I'm doing. It's kind of distracting at the same time though because sometimes I get into "dang my outfit looks cute" mode in the mirror and I start paying too much attention to the mirror. I wonder if mirror dependency is a thing for dancers....it definitely was a thing when I was doing powerlifting. I really like dressing up for belly dance class and today it was a bluish-purple floofy skirt, 2 scarves layered (one olive green transparent scarf and one reddish-purple silk scarf) and an olive green crop top...felt pretty and I thought my abs looked better than usual even though my weight has been kinda high lately.

I have really nice weather so far this week and I've also been swimming daily around midday in the pool at my apartment complex when it's hot and sunny ... that makes me happy  never again to live near winter because I like swimming in February so much.

I keep trying to decide if I should try a hip hop dance class too :frustrating: ...I want to but I would probably be embarrassingly bad at it.


----------



## cuddle bun

February 14, 2018

I did the beginner hip hop class and I was so completely lost :O
I feel like I need a pre-beginner class if there is one. like preschool hahaha. the instructor went over how to do each move only briefly and focused on making a whole choreography out of it...I feel like I am missing some prerequisite knowledge about how to do the individual moves.

but I think it would definitely increase my body confidence a lot if I got better at multiple kind of dance, so I'll go back and keep trying.


----------



## cuddle bun

I have a strong urge to try one of those pre-measured grocery+recipe delivery companies next week because I love learning about cooking, but I hate food waste. Has anyone tried one or more of these? Did you like it?
hellofresh.com
sunbasket.com
blueapron.com
plated.com
homechef.com

I love cooking experimentation but haven't been doing much of it lately because it is difficult to buy groceries in such small amounts, and food waste basically results in either eating more than I should, or feeling incredibly guilty throwing away perfectly good food. This looks like a very practical way to get around that though. kind of randomly chose Home Chef to try first ... I guess I'll know next week if I hate it or not.


----------



## General Lee Awesome

cuddle bun said:


> I have a strong urge to try one of those pre-measured grocery+recipe delivery companies next week because I love learning about cooking, but I hate food waste. Has anyone tried one or more of these? Did you like it?
> hellofresh.com
> sunbasket.com
> blueapron.com
> plated.com
> homechef.com
> 
> I love cooking experimentation but haven't been doing much of it lately because it is difficult to buy groceries in such small amounts, and food waste basically results in either eating more than I should, or feeling incredibly guilty throwing away perfectly good food. This looks like a very practical way to get around that though. kind of randomly chose Home Chef to try first ... I guess I'll know next week if I hate it or not.


I heard they are good


----------



## cuddle bun

General Lee Awesome said:


> I heard they are good


I hope so ... I ended up deciding to try 3 meals each from Sun Basket and Home Chef. so 6 nights in a row next week I will have some hopefully fun cooking experiments to do, and hopefully zero food waste  I plan to keep whichever one tastes better and cancel the other one.


----------



## General Lee Awesome

cuddle bun said:


> I hope so ... I ended up deciding to try 3 meals each from Sun Basket and Home Chef. so 6 nights in a row next week I will have some hopefully fun cooking experiments to do, and hopefully zero food waste  I plan to keep whichever one tastes better and cancel the other one.


I watched several youtube review on them, and they turned out easy to prepare and taste pretty good.

How much are these meals? and how to they compare to restaurant meals? ;D?


----------



## cuddle bun

General Lee Awesome said:


> I watched several youtube review on them, and they turned out easy to prepare and taste pretty good.
> 
> How much are these meals? and how to they compare to restaurant meals? ;D?


I'm not sure about the taste yet but Ill report back on that later  the cost is about $10 per dinner per person. although the ones I ordered are 600ish calorie meals and to me that seems extremely small because most days I only eat once a day....I might end up eating 2 portions because of that and then still wanting more food. we'll see. I hope it works because I like cooking but I don't like the uncontrollable food waste when I try to do cooking experiments with only me to feed.


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## General Lee Awesome

cuddle bun said:


> I'm not sure about the taste yet but Ill report back on that later  the cost is about $10 per dinner per person. although the ones I ordered are 600ish calorie meals and to me that seems extremely small because most days I only eat once a day....I might end up eating 2 portions because of that and then still wanting more food. we'll see. I hope it works because I like cooking but I don't like the uncontrollable food waste when I try to do cooking experiments with only me to feed.


once per day???????????????? 

WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ((((((((((


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## cuddle bun

I'm deprioritizing my dance classes this week because I have a lot of logistical stuff to do to get ready for a massage class that I'm starting next week.

in massage class orientation they made us watch a video that was basically like 2 hours of various people saying "if you visualize positive things then they will happen!" with various credentials listed underneath each person like Author / Physicist / Quantum Physicist / Spiritual Leader / Scientist. I can't even describe how much torture that was for my INTJ brain. it helped me not to take it too seriously, but instead to see it as the instructor trying to set the tone socially for the social vibe that he wanted in his class. "ok, this instructor likes it when people are positive about their own future, and he dislikes all forms of complaining - got it." but did we really need 2 hours to communicate that.

Nevertheless, I still put some thought into what I would wish for if that baloney was true :laughing:

I would wish for different people to see each other's good intentions a lot more clearly than they currently do. I know so few people who do that easily, and the ones who do are irreplaceable to me...I just wish it was easier for people in general. and easier for me too.

dating still feels like real trudgery to me. a constant stream of etiquette misunderstandings with people whose hard-wired etiquette instincts aren't the same as mine. harsh judgment from other people and from me that I haven't found the right wording yet to please all etiquette systems at the same time.

I had a nice date with a guy who I think is an EFSP but he thinks he's an ENTJ. to me he seemed way too emotionally expressive to be an ENTJ and he also used a ton of emotional language when he was trying to sell me on his good qualities ("romantic" and "understanding" and "just human" and stuff like that). definitely Se though because he likes fixing cars and seems to be very good at it. I don't think he's ESFJ / Fe because he hasn't said anything that rubs me the wrong way on an etiquette level in the same way that Fe often does. maybe it just hasn't come up yet though. We didn't talk about my feelings much because he was talking about his feelings. and his car fixing projects.

so.... totally pleasant conversation laughing and such but I just didn't feel anything other than "this is a very pleasant, friendly person."
I mean I didn't feel anything _personal_.

mah.

so hard to tell if something would develop in time or if I should hold out for someone who makes me feel weak in the knees.
I have to forgive myself for not feeling anything in the vast majority of cases. I did set up a 2nd date with him because why not; it's not like I have anything else important to do at noon on a Saturday and it's not like we are suddenly committed if I have coffee again with him. and poor guy his hands were shaking talking to me so maybe he would be less nervous in a 2nd date.

I have to keep trying.

I think I might be bugging my ex with how slow I am to let go. I'm not sure lol. it's just so hard to make a full stop caring about someone even when it doesn't work for various reasons.


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## Veggie

cuddle bun said:


> I'm deprioritizing my dance classes this week because I have a lot of logistical stuff to do to get ready for a massage class that I'm starting next week.
> 
> in massage class orientation they made us watch a video that was basically like 2 hours of various people saying "if you visualize positive things then they will happen!" with various credentials listed underneath each person like Author / Physicist / Quantum Physicist / Spiritual Leader / Scientist. I can't even describe how much torture that was for my INTJ brain. it helped me not to take it too seriously, but instead to see it as the instructor trying to set the tone socially for the social vibe that he wanted in his class. "ok, this instructor likes it when people are positive about their own future, and he dislikes all forms of complaining - got it." but did we really need 2 hours to communicate that.


Hahaha. That's awesome. It's so cool that you're doing this! Of all the groups of people I've been a part of other than family, I think my massage class and my co-workers at the spa I worked at for a while were my favorite. 

I'd kind of have those moments sometimes too though. lol. Like what are we doing here? Class was odd, because it was this mix of technicalities (it could be very scientific at times, the board exam I had to sit for after class was one of the hardest I've ever taken in my life), but then hippie stuff too  Yea, sometimes you're trying to hone in on particular muscles, to help people with certain physical problems, but then at other times you're just trying to make people feel good  Relaxed, comforted, happy... so the videos like the one you saw were a good reminder of that, lol. Class would be hardcore anatomy one day, and then Chinese medicine and kinesiology the next.

It seemed like it was largely introverted perception dominant (Ni-Si), so you'll probably fit right in  It wasn't just feel-y types either, one of my fave co-workers was ISTJ. My fave in class was my fellow INFJ tho  I don't know why I feel compelled to tell this story, but I remember one day after class we were literally just laying in a field together drinking wine. She was bisexual, and the girl she was dating at the time had the same name as our instructor. She meant to send this dirty text to her girl, but she sent it to our instructor instead, and that's maybe one of the hardest times I've laughed in my life xD Our teacher was cool, and she handled it really well. She was this older kinda hippie lady, prob in her sixties, but she was grounded and really intelligent too. She told this story about how she'd go on massage retreats back in the 60's, and she asked this one person where they were from, and they were like "Planet Earth." Okay... I'm just trying to make conversation here xD She was like yea... you might encounter that sort of thing within this. lol.

I had another instructor who was a physical therapist, but her passion was massage. She was super cool too. We kept in touch after I "graduated" lol (but I mean, that term fits). Fingers crossed that you have a similar good experience


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## cuddle bun

Veggie said:


> Hahaha. That's awesome. It's so cool that you're doing this! Of all the groups of people I've been a part of other than family, I think my massage class and my co-workers at the spa I worked at for a while were my favorite.
> 
> I'd kind of have those moments sometimes too though. lol. Like what are we doing here? Class was odd, because it was this mix of technicalities (it could be very scientific at times, the board exam I had to sit for after class was one of the hardest I've ever taken in my life), but then hippie stuff too  Yea, sometimes you're trying to hone in on particular muscles, to help people with certain physical problems, but then at other times you're just trying to make people feel good  Relaxed, comforted, happy... so the videos like the one you saw were a good reminder of that, lol. Class would be hardcore anatomy one day, and then Chinese medicine and kinesiology the next.
> 
> It seemed like it was largely introverted perception dominant (Ni-Si), so you'll probably fit right in  It wasn't just feel-y types either, one of my fave co-workers was ISTJ. My fave in class was my fellow INFJ tho  I don't know why I feel compelled to tell this story, but I remember one day after class we were literally just laying in a field together drinking wine. She was bisexual, and the girl she was dating at the time had the same name as our instructor. She meant to send this dirty text to her girl, but she sent it to our instructor instead, and that's maybe one of the hardest times I've laughed in my life xD Our teacher was cool, and she handled it really well. She was this older kinda hippie lady, prob in her sixties, but she was grounded and really intelligent too. She told this story about how she'd go on massage retreats back in the 60's, and she asked this one person where they were from, and they were like "Planet Earth." Okay... I'm just trying to make conversation here xD She was like yea... you might encounter that sort of thing within this. lol.
> 
> I had another instructor who was a physical therapist, but her passion was massage. She was super cool too. We kept in touch after I "graduated" lol (but I mean, that term fits). Fingers crossed that you have a similar good experience


 I have a feeling the technical/anatomy stuff is going to feel more natural to me than the hippie stuff ... still I'm interested in learning whatever they feel like throwing at me including hippie stuff  I do appreciate the hippie vibe that appears sometimes when I go to get a massage. Not sure if I appreciated hearing the underlying thoughts of it in that video, but I definitely do appreciate the resulting mood. Someone very skilled in technical anatomy stuff and trigger point release but also very skilled at creating a peaceful vibe - is pretty much my ideal vision of the perfect massage therapist and that is what I would like to do 

I didn't get to meet my classmates yet because I had some scheduling difficulties on orientation day and went to the evening orientation even though I'm signing up for the day class... so on Monday it'll be awkward like oh hey, nice to meet you, now let's practice draping sheets on each other lol 

I am excited about learning something other than software...I feel like I need that!!


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## Veggie

cuddle bun said:


> I have a feeling the technical/anatomy stuff is going to feel more natural to me than the hippie stuff ... still I'm interested in learning whatever they feel like throwing at me including hippie stuff  I do appreciate the hippie vibe that appears sometimes when I go to get a massage. Not sure if I appreciated hearing the underlying thoughts of it in that video, but I definitely do appreciate the resulting mood. Someone very skilled in technical anatomy stuff and trigger point release but also very skilled at creating a peaceful vibe - is pretty much my ideal vision of the perfect massage therapist and that is what I would like to do


The peace vibe is Work, believe it (not that you're saying that you don't, haha). I think the underlying idea is that you have to genuinely be peaceful to give off peace, so hey, here, this is potentially some faith to attune to in getting you there. 

When I was managing a place on my own, this was so hard to achieve, lol. The owners asked me if I had a gun, because I'd often be the only car in my parking lot, our clientele was mostly dudes, and the surrounding business was kinda shady. It was so fun trying to achieve a balance of hi! I'm nice, come completely relax with me as a stranger, but also, I'll kill you if I have to, so let's get that straight xD Not trying to scare you away from anything, lol, my first experience as part of a staff was really positive, and if I were just working for myself, I could have prob avoided some of that too. But yea, something to think about I guess when planning the logistics of practice. 

I had to work through a little paranoia regardless at first even in the good situation, it's weird to be alone in a dark room with a strange person like that, and as cheesy as it sounds, I feel like "faith" helped me through. I was especially into all that law of attraction stuff and what not at the time, lol. 



cuddle bun said:


> ... so on Monday it'll be awkward like oh hey, nice to meet you, now let's practice draping sheets on each other lol


Haha. Yea, you make friends quickly  (And you get a ton of complimentary massages!  That part was amazing).


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## cuddle bun

I missed dance class 2 days in a row because this massage class has my sleep schedule suddenly shifted 6 hours earlier and I can't actually fall asleep earlier yet but I can wake up 6 hours earlier and then take an evening nap. I hope that sorts itself out soon because all my dance classes are in that 6pm time block where I'm suddenly just collapsed from exhaustion.

I was able to get some 3pm-5pm sun outside today because my work stuff didn't need to be done at the computer and I feel like that helped a little. like solar recharging.

one of the massage instructors has that "peace vibe" that veggie mentioned and I really want to learn how to do that. he sat in front of class and looked at everyone individually while he talked. and I felt like a fidgety 3rd grader while he just sat there peering out of his face - like his face was a quiet house with a window for him to look out of. it was a weird feeling - not because of _him_ peering out of his face, but because of _most people_ whose faces don't seem like they are peering out of their face. I see that so infrequently. then he helped me find my pulse because I was having trouble with that and it was like bam! I just got hit with a palpable wave of _peace_. I would love to learn how to do that.

this might be an Fi thing now that I think about it. There's a cashier at the grocery store who recognizes me and makes eye contact and when he does that it also seems like he is "peering out of his face." and the feeling in general of seeing and making contact with that usually-hidden but instantly-relatable part of someone is something I've only experienced with Fi people....not all of them, just a precious few....my ex, a best friend that I had a few years ago, my favorite sister.


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## cuddle bun

I looooooooooooove this dance 





makes me want to watch it at home 1000x with a big mirror until I can do at least some of it. just the way her body moves through space 1 part at a time is really perfect. Her body composition too ughhhhhhh! 

watching her makes me want to figure out how to change my body's set point because she's a little leaner than me and her waist-to-hip shape is so nice. I miss being that lean and my hip bone shape was more a little visible like that when I was leaner. I seem to have this really stubborn set point at 135lb ever since I did 3 things: moved to Florida, switched from crossfit to dance, and started fasting less because of how socially weird fasting is. Not sure which one of those things changed my set point but it is a very stubborn set point at 135lb now. 

It used to be a stubborn set point at 130lb with occasional 1-4 days bringing it down to 120-125lb regularly because of the loss of extra food/water weight. I'm really tempted to get back into crossfit or fasting or both because I do feel a lil too chubby in the mirror. Camera always adds a few pounds but my mirror perception has changed too. I used to feel like "wow I'm totally hot" when I look in the mirror and then "ok but not bikini-competitor kind of hot, obviously" when I take a picture. Now I feel more like "I look decent" when I look in the mirror and then "hmmm maybe I should figure out how to get back below 130lb" when I take a picture. It's probably only noticeable to me but I do still notice it.

Adjusting to my new schedule made me want to take a break from dance class this week. I did a bunch of bodyweight lunges, squats, steps etc at home, and some self-massage which I needed badly (believe it or not, tight abs were causing a bubble of shoulder pain in my upper and mid traps - it's a real thing!). 

My goal next week is 2 exercise classes of any form (maybe 1 dance and 1 crossfit but I'm not going to get on my case if I feel like sticking to the familiar dance class under stress).


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## cuddle bun

first week of massage class was crazy busy and stressful and socially exhausting. and it's weird observing how I react to the stress. the first thing I seem to want to do now that I have a day off is plan drastic changes for my health and body. My brain is like: let's try a dairy-free experiment to be 100% sure whether or not I'm sensitive to it! Nah, that's restrictive and unnecessary and socially awkward! Let's practice moderation! Let's lose 5lb! No, correction, let's hire a personal trainer and meal planner with the goal of losing 5lb so I can't possibly blame myself if my biology fights me on it! Let's go back to alternate day fasting for physical health! No, I remember ADF made me want to eat more in one sitting, let's try to be more moderate for psychological health! Let's take a progress picture! See...I look fine! What am I even thinking. Just leave it alone and work on my zen. Actually I look like I should lose 5lb so let's plan how to do that!

these thoughts just won't stop today. my brain wants to plan plan plan....and yet I know my tendency to come up with plans that are way too drastic and then abandon them later because they were too drastic to maintain good social and mental health. So I'm resisting the urge to plan, while at the same time knowing that my brain will do it anyway. It's very frustrating.


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## cuddle bun

just to get my brain to calm down, I decided to do the most moderate yet potentially-most-helpful thing in my list of ideas - which is to find out for sure if dairy food affects me negatively in any way. so I edited all my recipe subscription things to send me paleo food and I poured out the last bit of milk in my fridge. I will do that dairy free thing for a month or two and then reintroduce dairy to see if it causes digestive issues.

what a weird calm results from deciding something.

I just have to be careful because I know my brain is somewhat addicted to the feeling of being decisive. and that's not always a good thing if I become TOO decisive and set something up that's unsustainable. but I do have observable negative side effects from eating wheat and I've been able to sustain a wheat-free diet for more than 12 years so far. if I see observable negative side effects from eating dairy then I think that I could sustain that too. and based on what I read the negative effects of eating it might not be fully obvious until after I've eliminated it completely for a month or two and then reintroduced it.


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## cuddle bun

list of things I bought today. I buy things when I'm stressed and that's part of it but also I just need a bunch more stuff for massage school.
- 4 pairs of Express columnist pants (I actually do need nice pants for the massage clinic that starts in a couple of months and we are supposed to get used to wearing professional attire early in class)
- 3 Express button down shirts with roll up sleeves (for the same reason)
- 1 pair of flats (wanting to look a little nicer than sneakers but also knowing my heels won't work for a massage job)
- 2 throw blankets (needed 1 for massage class. got 2)
- 1 massage sheet set
- 1 portable massage table
- 1 pair of scrubs

all that was massage school supplies basically.

also got a self massage tool for my upper back....it's like a J shaped thing with a small knob on the end. I tried it at Target on my rotator cuff and just felt like it was better than the lacrosse ball because I don't need to get on the floor. surprising how much of a mental barrier that is.

now I need people to practice on


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## cuddle bun

I'm adding glasses to the list of stuff I'm buying this week  some people get a post-breakup haircut but I'm gonna get post-breakup glasses and leave my hair the mess that it is  I haven't gotten new prescription or glasses in more than 5 years and I fell in love with cute green ones yesterday while I was wandering around with a friend looking in stores (my current glasses are dark gray). I feel like the color makes me happy... it's just enough color to feel like something ... but not enough color to feel like the glasses dominate my whole face. 

This dairy-free thing is weird. on Day 1 of it I was going kind of emotionally nuts because I wanted a glass of milk so badly and it's so comforting and I didn't know how to enjoy my coffee without "real" milk etc etc etc. Almond/cashew milk is OK by itself but kind of gross and watery in coffee. Day 2.... same. Day 3 I actually feel emotionally normal and I'm no longer craving milk, but physically not quite right yet. TMI but I've been having a massive digestive slowdown ever since I started that massage class and moved my sleep schedule 6 hours earlier. this is in spite of eating more vegetables too. I think I just have to wait it out and eventually it will resolve itself. I'm sure taking a break from exercise last week didn't help either.

2x this week I'm going to dance class this week no matter how tired I feel from massage class. Don't let me chicken out!


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## cuddle bun

I took some progress pictures today and I don't need to post those but I'll just summarize: 

- front view in clothes: shapely
- front view in bathing suit: shapely, visible bones, visible abs
- back view in clothes: I've seen better but it's not bad either
- back view in bathing suit: _how the heck did *that* happen?!_ and why did no one tell me my glute situation was that dire
:laughing:

uhhhh...ok so apparently switching from dancing to crossfit made a lot of glute muscle just gradually disappear over the course of 2 months or so, while keeping the same amount of fat (that has always been where I store the most fat). And I don't like the resulting shape. I really want to do something to improve that.

While I ponder my various choices for strategy (because I do enjoy dance better and I don't actually _want_ to switch back to crossfit), I did this for now and I'll keep doing it daily until I either see results or a need to switch plans, whichever comes first.
https://bretcontreras.com/jane-fonda-experiment/

that did make my glutes extremely tired and I had to take more than the recommended breaks.


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## cuddle bun

I had such a nice moment in massage class ...I helped someone's shoulder blades move move freely and more symmetrically and by the time I was done she had gone from fidgety to totally zoned out  stuff like that makes me so happy.

I'm doing most of those bodyweight glute exercises twice today. I have a visible glute pump from yesterday and actually it already looks noticeably better than 2 days ago because of the glute pump  That's nice. Would feel kinda weird to buy a gym membership for just 1 muscle group. So I would be happy if i can get what I'm looking for at home. I don't need to look like Nathalia Melo....just a little bit more shape so it doesn't look sad and neglected, that's all I want


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## cuddle bun

my glutes were so sore that I did trigger point release with a tennis ball yesterday instead of the glute exercises.
today I'm back at it with the exercises, but my glutes are so exhausted that I was only able to do part of it. I'm trying to quiet the perfectionist in me and do what I can anyway.

feels crazy that the weight of just my leg (in most cases) could burn so much. 

I have to say though that my glutes are visibly rounder just from a few days of this. that can't possibly be muscle growth in such a short time but probably just increased blood flow or maybe increased tension in muscles that used to be overstretched.


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## cuddle bun

I have still been doing those bodyweight glute exercises daily and it's making a massive difference already (in my opinion) - just maintaining a pump there daily is enough to make me feel like it looks good enough to match the rest of me. Usually my glutes reach failure and full exhaustion before I finish so sometimes I start at the beginning of the list and work forward...sometimes I start at the end of the list and work my backward.

I also went on a run today. I did a mix of walking and running for 20 minutes and it was 1.7 miles. I don't know if I will continue doing that but I did want to try it for a little while at least because sometimes the effort of driving and socializing feels like it's stopping me from exercising, but running doesn't require either of those. I feel like I have limited energy for driving and socializing and class is using up nearly all of it.


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## cuddle bun

I was sick tonight 
maybe something I ate.
I won't go into gory details but basically it's like I suddenly lost 5 pounds tonight. I do feel better now.

the irony is when I felt the first sign of it I was at the grocery store feeling like I was about to barf, and kind of hunched over because of the nausea, and the cashier lady asked "do you work out? your shoulders look great" ....lol apparently hunched-over-and-ready-to-barf makes my traps and delts look fantastic according to cashier lady. to me I looked awful though. hunched, painful, stiff muscle spasms.


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## cuddle bun

continuing my glute exercises today but I didn't run. I had some subtle foot and ankle pain while I ran yesterday so I spent some time massaging my lower legs...the extrinsic foot muscles. I feel like I made only a tiny bit of progress there.... it's like massaging rocks.

I might have reason to stay dairy free permanently. My skin looks better. I didn't have bad skin issues previously but still. it does look noticeably clearer or less red or smoother, in multiple places. I found a milk substitute that tastes pretty good (it's technically a non-dairy coffee creamer but I prefer to just drink it separately)

I also lost 5 pounds without trying since I stopped eating dairy but I need to weigh again in a few days since I was sick yesterday and that might have messed up the number a bit.


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## cuddle bun

I weighed again this morning since I'm pretty well hydrated and well fed ... apparently I lost 4 pounds in 10 days without dairy. My pants are sitting a lot lower too. I think this is another sign that dairy doesn't agree with me in some way....reduced inflammation causing a sudden drop in weight maybe. I have not tracked calories and that 10 day period included a massive all you can eat Korean barbecue pigout session with my classmates so I don't think calorie deficit would explain it. the drop in weight is also at a time of the month when normally I would weigh more, and it's way outside the daily fluctuating range of my weight lately, so I don't think it's a fluke either.


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## cuddle bun

today I'm reminding myself "don't let perfection be the enemy of action." I did some stuff that is very stressed to me (returning some purchases that I shouldn't have made, and starting on my taxes). I took a nap because those things somehow wiped me out.

I did some exercises:
- most of the glute workout (not all)
- 20 modified burpees (no jumping just standing in between)
- 20 minute run, 1.78 miles with no walking breaks

during the run I had no Achilles tendon pain, so the calf smashing the other day must have helped a little even though my calves still feel like rocks. 

my pace got (unintentionally) gradually faster during the run and I did not feel badly out of breath.

I am looking forward to a bath now....have avoided sounding friendly on the dating website all week and thus I successfully scored myself some alone time. which I'm very happy about...I need it


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## cuddle bun

today I did 

- some trigger point release on the right levator scapula, right suboccipitals, right upper traps, & right supraspinatus. felt multiple realignment pops in my neck and upper back as I did this, along with a decrease in pain after each of those pops. the pain that it helped with was actually on the opposite side of my body, in my left temple, left shoulder, & left upper back around my scapula.

- about half of the bodyweight glute exercises. 

- ran 1.79 miles in 20 minutes. my pace was very consistent throughout this one.

I think I will add some trigger point release in my abs before I sleep because I had a subtle cramp in my right obliques towards the end of that run. nothing major at all, I just feel like dealing with it now instead of later.


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## cuddle bun

today i was a massive rest day / cheat day, no exercise and I ate a lot more than usual and also much more carbs and sugar than usual (for social reasons) ...in addition to my usual sunbasket food I ate several carribean jerk burgers made with brown sugar, those had so much sugar that they actually tasted like some form of burger cake... and some orange soda, and potato chips. 

I feel like I could sleep for about a year now  hopefully tomorrow is not going to torture me with a raging appetite.


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