# Should life be this complicated?



## LostTheMarbles (Mar 4, 2012)

I’ve always been dyslexic and ever since I was tested at the age of 9 I’ve had to work incredibly hard to get where I am, the only problem is now that I’m here I feel almost obligated to keep the pressure on myself.

I’m 29 now, I got mostly good grades at school, went on and completed 2 degrees, was even considered for Oxford at one point, after uni I walked straight into a quite high calibre job as a Software Engineer with a high profile company where they gave me plenty of opportunities to take on more responsibility, of course, none of this came easily for me, I had to fight for it all the way. Eventually, dyslexia and ADHD caught up with me, my colleagues saw the gaps and took their chance to dig their daggers in, it hit my confidence hard, I started questioning my ability and whether I was fit to work in the industry, the only option I saw was to take a career break and go travelling to work out what I really wanted. My confidence was too shot to even try getting a new job, even now after a year away building my self confidence it only takes one bad person to knock me back down, I’ve realised how carefully I have to choose the people I hang around with.

I’ve met so many people while travelling and I kept telling myself that I’m intelligent so I should be able to keep up with them, do what they can do and be equally as happy, they’re running around with a worry in the world, they don’t have a career to worry about, they don’t feel obligated to keep pushing themselves to bigger and better things. Why can’t I just be like that?

Now that I’m home, I’m no longer content to apply for jobs in the UK, they seem to boring, I get this feeling that I’m not making the most of my life, instead I’ve got the idea of working overseas stuck in my head, as if that isn’t enough, I’m obsessed with non English speaking countries, countries where I’d have to learn a foreign language, definitely not something a dyslexic person should be doing especially in a high pressure environment such as the Software industry.

Being Dyslexic and ADHD seem to have this ability to make even the simplest tasks in life seem difficult, I can’t just ignore them and hope they go away 

Travelling has unfortunately had one repeating theme, I meet a friends who’re good for my confidence, they point me in the right direction and make me believe I can achieve my goals but then my ADHD personality traits come along and scare them away. It doesn’t matter how much I warn them, they sit on all the little annoyances until it get too much for them and they erupt like a volcano without warning and I end up back at square one. I end up trying to fix things over Facebook but my writing skills just aren’t up to it, I pick the wrong words, say the wrong things and generally just make things worse, there's nothing I can do, I become powerless, the ball's in their court and even people who I got on brilliantly with put them selves out of my reach.

I haven’t slept for 3 nights thinking about all this, why can’t I just have an easy life and be happy with it? Why do I feel this need to push myself so hard? No one’s expecting anything from me but I still feel this need to prove myself.


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## Apdenoatis (May 23, 2012)

If your self-esteem rests largely on your career and your outward success, that may explain why you feel the need to push yourself so hard. If you enjoy doing so, then go ahead.

If you don't want to have this kind of stress, then you may have to find other sources of value in your life, such as friendship, family, helping others, or if you have the resources, find a job you feel you'd enjoy more that would suit you better as well.

As for the friends you meet... don't give up. A lot of people will likely act the way many of the people you've met have acted, but don't hate them. It's painful, I know, but keep searching and keep your opportunities open and keep giving people chances. One day you'll find people who are willing to understand you.  And if you haven't done so before, if you meet other people, try to offer them chances to tell you if you're bothering them or if they're feeling annoyed with you, so that there's clear communication and they might be less likely to save pent-up emotions and explode.

Life can be rough and sometimes it isn't fair. We can't control the hand we're dealt but we can control how we play our cards. Don't lose sight of the good things in your life. Count them, even the small things. 

Have you considered medication or treatment? I'm not saying you're mental or something; it's merely that I know some people have found medication to be very helpful.


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## LostTheMarbles (Mar 4, 2012)

Apdenoatis said:


> As for the friends you meet... don't give up. A lot of people will likely act the way many of the people you've met have acted, but don't hate them. It's painful, I know, but keep searching and keep your opportunities open and keep giving people chances. One day you'll find people who are willing to understand you.  And if you haven't done so before, if you meet other people, try to offer them chances to tell you if you're bothering them or if they're feeling annoyed with you, so that there's clear communication and they might be less likely to save pent-up emotions and explode.


The last one to leave me really did understand me, she was also ADHD so we had a very natural connection right from the start, we were so in tune that other people found it hard to break into our little group, I even started distancing myself from her to give her a chance to meet and talk to other people. She knew what I was like, I'd occasionally take her to one side and ask what she was thinking, ask if I was annoying her but the problem tends to be that people are too polite to tell the truth, they don't want to hurt you but by doing so they're taking quite a burden on their own shoulders.



Apdenoatis said:


> Have you considered medication or treatment? I'm not saying you're mental or something; it's merely that I know some people have found medication to be very helpful.


I am looking at it but I've not settled anywhere long enough over the last year to get around to it, I'll probably get it all organised as soon as I have a chance to settle down.

Thanks.


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## StElmosDream (May 26, 2012)

@*LostTheMarbles*
Dear Mr Marbles, as someone who has been and felt very misunderstood by others because of my learning challenges (I call them positive differences) and my uncommon male INFJ nature I know exactly how your feeling. Fear, perceived failure and bewilderment about life-people in general but also had to learn the hard way (as some physically 3 years younger but 10 years matured as an old soul type) that so much hinges on our sense of self and self esteem, when others will always try to discard-devalue-discredit us as people out of insecurity/inferiority or lack of awareness but we have to learn to take pride in our differences because no one else will until we become more positively assertive about them!

Look to the 'disability' positives more and remind yourself of those often!


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## yesiknowbut (Oct 25, 2009)

Hmm.
Re treatment you should also consider whether you may be depressed. Your thinking may be much more negative than the reality requires. Anxiety, sleep loss and ruminative thinking are also all features.
Get yourself to a doctor who can test you, and who can help. Consider taking an on-line depression inventory as a guide.


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## SilentAdmirer08 (Feb 13, 2013)

I agree with the other posters, and although I don't have either of those myself, I know people who have them. I even know someone with PTSD who delves into depression periodically. The one thing that makes these people stand out to me is their strength. Because they've had to work hard for things others seem to find easy, they develop deeper character and are able to see more of the world than others. I think in some ways this is enviable, because you have so much more to live for. I sometimes mess up words or get ahead of myself while I'm speaking, which definately lowers my confidence, but do you know what's brought it back? Doing things that improve other people's lives. It's crazy, but getting involved in something where you help other people or just spend time doing work for someone else will make you feel so much better about yourself. Even if you don't have a religious reason to help others, I think it's a good way to combat low self esteem. 

And about making friends, my sister has ADD and had trouble with maintaining friendships for some of the reasons you said. She has annoyed people and experienced a little bullying, but that still hasn't stopped her from being friendly and making someone else's day. Even if you don't have any long term relationships, I think you can still look at making friends as an opportunity to make someone else feel good. And if you begin to have more confidence in what you can do and what you can give people, I think people will come to love you and stick with you, even through the rough times. Everyone's got something annoying about them  If you mess up every now and then, or have a low period, a good friend shouldn't abandon you. People might leave you if you don't seem to care about them or yourself, or because they are just fickle. 
I don't know if this is helping, I'm just sort of rambling about my opinions. I understand it's probably hard to find things to do...have you tried doing something to help your dislexia? And I would think there would be articles and stuff online about living with dislexia and ADHD, together or separate. I'm sure you could find ways to make it easier on you. But I think focusing on self confidence is a good way to make you feel better


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## Dope Amine (Feb 16, 2012)




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## HandiAce (Nov 27, 2009)

yesiknowbut said:


> Hmm.
> Re treatment you should also consider whether you may be depressed. Your thinking may be much more negative than the reality requires. Anxiety, sleep loss and ruminative thinking are also all features.
> Get yourself to a doctor who can test you, and who can help. Consider taking an on-line depression inventory as a guide.


It is fairly evident to me that @LostTheMarbles may be depressed or unmotivated because of his shortcomings, not because he is simply blue for no reason. People shattered his confidence and now he has to put up with bullshit that people hurt him with. I don't recommend he get treatment for depression, but rather help and compensation for the areas of which he struggles at. 

Do you get along with your parents at all, @LostTheMarbles ? Who has known you the longest and knows best about your inner struggle? Talk to those people. You need more encouragement from the right people. The fact that you got two degrees in college while working through two difficult disabilities is damn impressive and tells me you're very capable. 

You mentioned taking on too much responsibility which made the AD/HD and Dyslexia "catch up to you". I think you know why you burned out.


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## LostTheMarbles (Mar 4, 2012)

yesiknowbut said:


> Hmm.
> Re treatment you should also consider whether you may be depressed. Your thinking may be much more negative than the reality requires. Anxiety, sleep loss and ruminative thinking are also all features.


At the moment, I'd probably go with depression as an issue but probably not the underlying cause, I know things will be back on track relatively soon, knowing there's an issue means I can put myself in a position to change things and clear my mind, I'm just looking at flights to get out of the country for a while and get things back on track.



SilentAdmirer08 said:


> . . . do you know what's brought it back? Doing things that improve other people's lives. It's crazy, but getting involved in something where you help other people or just spend time doing work for someone else will make you feel so much better about yourself.


I'm starting to think that this might actually be part of the problem, I spend my energy focusing on helping others and almost forget about myself. My life's relatively comfortable, I've gotten past a lot of issues, I've learned a lot on the way and now I keep trying to pass on what I've learned to others. People seem to trust me far too easily (I don't understand why it is), it's not unknown for someone I've known for just a day to come up to me and tell me all their problems and I can't do anything but try and help.



SilentAdmirer08 said:


> Even if you don't have any long term relationships, I think you can still look at making friends as an opportunity to make someone else feel good.


 That's what I do, it's who I am, I'm especially good at making people feel good about them selves, fixing their confidence issues. This friend who's run away, that's why we got on so well to start with, she opened up to me, within 24 hours of meeting she started telling me all about her ADHD issues, how everyone else would tell her what she couldn't do rather than helping her succeed, about her ex boyfriends and what went wrong and how she doesn't think there're any nice guys in the world.




HandiAce said:


> It is fairly evident to me that @_LostTheMarbles_ may be depressed or unmotivated because of his shortcomings, not because he is simply blue for no reason. People shattered his confidence and now he has to put up with bullshit that people hurt him with. I don't recommend he get treatment for depression, but rather help and compensation for the areas of which he struggles at.


I think you're right, I need to go get sorted for the underlying issues, anxiety and ADHD, possibly some other things,



HandiAce said:


> Do you get along with your parents at all, @_LostTheMarbles_ ? Who has known you the longest and knows best about your inner struggle? Talk to those people. You need more encouragement from the right people. The fact that you got two degrees in college while working through two difficult disabilities is damn impressive and tells me you're very capable.


It's been a year of discovery with these regards, I realised that I didn't really have any supportive friends, I was stuck in a macho competitive environment, especially my father, he sees weakness or uncertainty as something to joke and tease about, he's got a very negative attitude and is very self centered (The exact opposite of me), he looks at how things effect him and will always find something to complain about, anything he says I can almost see that there's an air of high expectations and criticism. Of course, he doesn't mean to be like this, it's just who he is, I've tried to change it but find it easier to just stay out of the way as much as I can.

This last year I've been travelling and for the first time in my life I've been completely surrounded by positive people, it really has made a noticeable difference, I'll happily go out of my way to keep these people around and to meet more people that're good for me.

Unfortunately it also means that I've stayed caged off from anyone that's known me for a considerable time. Last night I finally talked to a friend about what's bothering me, I've known her for all of 2 weeks but she's the first one who's noticed anything's wrong and insisted that she was going to help me. The one who ran away recently kind of had a clue but she had way too many of her own problems for me to even risk letting her into mine.



HandiAce said:


> You mentioned taking on too much responsibility which made the AD/HD and Dyslexia "catch up to you". I think you know why you burned out.


It's not really the responsibility that got to me, I could actually have done with a lot more, it was the atmosphere at the company and the people around me. I had a manager who didn't want to manage people and a couple of colleagues who decided the best way to promotion and pay rise was to try and knock me out of their way. Difficult circumstances, nothing I could really do.


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## LostTheMarbles (Mar 4, 2012)

Things have gotten a little easier over the last few days but I’m still struggling, advice on any/all of the following would be useful right now.

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So, I had all these big plans, they were quite ambitious but I really believed I could handle it, I met some amazing people while travelling and they gave me the confidence to follow through with them.

I was going to move to Germany (from the UK), learn German and get my career back on track, that was the easy bit, next task was to meet a nice German girl (Never really had a relationship before) and start to settle down or at least go travelling together.

I don’t know if it’s just a lack of confidence or common sense but I’m not feeling so positive about it all any more.

I look back, things used to seem so simple, I used to be intelligent, nothing could shake my confidence in that, I used to get best in school certificates, I even found the old exam paper I took when I tried getting into Oxford Uni. These days, I’ve met the wrong people, they’ve managed to knock me back to the point where I wonder if I could even handle another Software Engineer job. I’ve been thinking of just throwing away my career and doing something different for a while, something easy, maybe even volunteering.

I get on really easily with women but it's not long before I put my foot in my mouth and drive/scare them away, ADHD's like that, I never know what they're thinking and they just expect me to pick up on their hints, finding a girlfriend that understands me just seems like a challenge far beyond my my ability.

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This ADHD testing, travelling with my ADHD friend, I started thinking it wasn’t too much of an issue, I’d found someone I got on with, the social skills damage is by far the hardest for me to deal with. Either way, now I’ve driven her away and I’m back to thinking it’s more of an issue than I should try dealing with on my own. 

I don’t think it’s just ADHD, I think there’s probably a much bigger anxiety issue which it’s hiding.

If I was settling in the UK then I’d definitely get tested simply because it’s so simple to do, turn up at my GP’s place and let him work it out from there. The problem comes in that I’m thinking of moving to Germany, I’ve read that they don’t even recognise ADHD as an issue and the idea of getting tested and treated in a foreign country makes it sound even more complicated.

I’m wondering if I should just call off my move to Germany, I’m wondering if I should sacrifice my plans just so I can get this ADHD/Anxiety sorted?

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I talked to the friend I thought I’d lost the other night, just over facebook, not face to face or even verbally. She wasn’t happy when I first contacted her but she gave me a chance and explained a few things, she’s not happy that I tried to fix the problems between us rather than just giving her the distance she wanted. While we were together she’d confide in me with her problems and I’d just sit there being sympathetic, she didn’t like how everyone else would tell her what she couldn’t do because of ADHD so I just tried to do the opposite without misleading her, she also had so many big plans but she’s now also given them all up, now when I talk to her, she’s locked up tight and just keeps trying to force on me how strong she is and how she doesn’t need help from anyone. 

It’s been three weeks since we argued and I don’t even trust that she will ever get over it and come back to talking to me, It’s crossed my mind a few times to just cut the ties but we were so close for the short time we were together, she also has ADHD with underlying anxiety so she’s actually the one person I’ve found who really understands me. We got on as if we’d know each other for ever but being apart and only talking over facebook, face to face no one can stay angry at me for long but in text messages things just get worse and worse.

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How do I deal with family members whose attitudes I can’t stand? I’ve been running away but I can’t just keep hiding.

Dad’s the main issue, he has a terrible negative outlook on life, he spreads negativity and drains away any positives. This last year I’ve removed all other negative people from my life but it’s not that simple with family members.



His first reaction is to spot what’s wrong and complain about it.
He’ll sit there taking the piss out of everyone in a very insensitive way, even people he doesn’t know, it’s where a lot of my insecurities and confidence issues have have come from, I’ve learned to tell him nothing about what I'm doing or thinking, unfortunately that's a trait that's spread to the way I deal with other people.
There’s always someone to blame even for the most trivial of things.
He’s very selfish and self centered. He calls me lazy for not wanting to use my paid holidays to come work on the farm or helping him with his hobbies.

I’ve tried fixing things but nothing’s changed, I don’t want to have to be so secretive or avoid him any more but I don’t see any other way.

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I come here to post because I don’t think my friends deserve to worry about all the stuff that’s in my head, I’ve only known most of them for such a short time that I’d hate to burden them. I’m not known for letting my friends know what I’m thinking.

I know it’s a long post, I just need to get stuff of my mind.


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## funcoolname (Sep 17, 2011)

LostTheMarbles said:


> I was going to move to Germany (from the UK), learn German and get my career back on track, that was the easy bit, next task was to meet a nice German girl (Never really had a relationship before) and start to settle down or at least go travelling together.
> 
> I don’t know if it’s just a lack of confidence or common sense but I’m not feeling so positive about it all any more.
> 
> I look back, things used to seem so simple, I used to be intelligent, nothing could shake my confidence in that, I used to get best in school certificates, I even found the old exam paper I took when I tried getting into Oxford Uni. These days, I’ve met the wrong people, they’ve managed to knock me back to the point where I wonder if I could even handle another Software Engineer job. I’ve been thinking of just throwing away my career and doing something different for a while, something easy, maybe even volunteering.




Rumination is the worst . I think the best thing you might be able to do is giving yourself freedom to just try things out and make mistakes and if you hit a bump, just getting back up and trying something else. You're in a position where you can do that without your mistakes affecting thousands of millions of people. It's just you! :happy: And you can learn more and gain more confidence by making mistakes over and over and over. Volunteering may really help if you can get the right position. Don't be reckless, but take action. If you want to go to Germany, try learning some rudimentary German before going. 




> I get on really easily with women but it's not long before I put my foot in my mouth and drive/scare them away, ADHD's like that, I never know what they're thinking and they just expect me to pick up on their hints, finding a girlfriend that understands me just seems like a challenge far beyond my my ability.


How so? Ladies generally don't turn on men then initially like unless something rude or sleazy happens. If you stick your foot in your mouth, just change the topic. People are more likely to forgive and move on when they see you forgiving yourself and moving on.




> I’m wondering if I should just call off my move to Germany, I’m wondering if I should sacrifice my plans just so I can get this ADHD/Anxiety sorted?


How concrete are your plans to move to Germany? If you did as well as you did in school, I don't know if ADHD is the issue, but perhaps anxiety. Maybe put your plans for Germany off if you don't have a job, place there already, but not indefinitely. It's not sacrificing them, just pushing them back so you can get this dealt with. 





> I talked to the friend I thought I’d lost the other night, just over facebook, not face to face or even verbally. She wasn’t happy when I first contacted her but she gave me a chance and explained a few things, she’s not happy that I tried to fix the problems between us rather than just giving her the distance she wanted. While we were together she’d confide in me with her problems and I’d just sit there being sympathetic, she didn’t like how everyone else would tell her what she couldn’t do because of ADHD so I just tried to do the opposite without misleading her, she also had so many big plans but she’s now also given them all up, now when I talk to her, she’s locked up tight and just keeps trying to force on me how strong she is and how she doesn’t need help from anyone.
> 
> It’s been three weeks since we argued and I don’t even trust that she will ever get over it and come back to talking to me, It’s crossed my mind a few times to just cut the ties but we were so close for the short time we were together, she also has ADHD with underlying anxiety so she’s actually the one person I’ve found who really understands me. We got on as if we’d know each other for ever but being apart and only talking over facebook, face to face no one can stay angry at me for long but in text messages things just get worse and worse.




If she wants space, give her the space. It's not losing her, it's just space. Again, letting go and giving freedom so that better things can fall into place.



> How do I deal with family members whose attitudes I can’t stand? I’ve been running away but I can’t just keep hiding.
> 
> Dad’s the main issue, he has a terrible negative outlook on life, he spreads negativity and drains away any positives. This last year I’ve removed all other negative people from my life but it’s not that simple with family members.





> His first reaction is to spot what’s wrong and complain about it.
> He’ll sit there taking the piss out of everyone in a very insensitive way, even people he doesn’t know, it’s where a lot of my insecurities and confidence issues have have come from, I’ve learned to tell him nothing about what I'm doing or thinking, unfortunately that's a trait that's spread to the way I deal with other people.
> There’s always someone to blame even for the most trivial of things.
> He’s very selfish and self centered. He calls me lazy for not wanting to use my paid holidays to come work on the farm or helping him with his hobbies.
> ...




Sadly, you won't be able to change him. All you can do is choose how you're going to react to it. Don't let his negativity seep into you, set boundaries with him, let him know there are things that are not okay and if he crosses lines, you'll walk. If you feel like it is worth walking away, of course. The boundaries you set are your own, no one can tell you where you should draw the line.

I hope something I have said will help. I was in a similar place to you at one point and I got out by better defining what I liked and didn't and acting upon it, opening myself to people I wouldn't have in the past, and just taking baby-step risks, both professionally and personally.


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## LostTheMarbles (Mar 4, 2012)

funcoolname said:


> Rumination is the worst . I think the best thing you might be able to do is giving yourself freedom to just try things out and make mistakes and if you hit a bump, just getting back up and trying something else.


Thanks, that’s what I’m thinking of doing, dropping everything and just flying out to Germany to see how things go, even if it’s just for a month before I give in and settle at home. I’ve got nothing holding me in the UK, even if I can’t find a job I know I have a safety net at home and I could easily find work back in the UK.




funcoolname said:


> How so? Ladies generally don't turn on men then initially like unless something rude or sleazy happens.


I’m never rude and hopefully not sleazy either, I just can’t read situations, in most cases I don’t even know what it is that’s pushed them away, they just turn and run, cut all communications and find ways to get away from me. We can go from having an amazing time together to them not talking to me overnight.




funcoolname said:


> How concrete are your plans to move to Germany? If you did as well as you did in school, I don't know if ADHD is the issue, but perhaps anxiety. Maybe put your plans for Germany off if you don't have a job, place there already, but not indefinitely. It's not sacrificing them, just pushing them back so you can get this dealt with.


I’ve got nothing set in stone but I just felt that heading over there is what I need right now almost to prove to myself that I can do it.




funcoolname said:


> If she wants space, give her the space. It's not losing her, it's just space. Again, letting go and giving freedom so that better things can fall into place.


 
I already feel like I’ve lost her, it’s why I thought of just giving up. When we were together she’d come looking for me just to chat or to go out to lunch, she worried about me when I wasn’t well, she even tried to cancel her own plans to look after me, plans I knew were important to her. She used to tell me everything, it’s how we got so close in the first place, she confided in me about her ADHD and anxiety (She doesn’t tell anyone else about it), how she was treated for depression just 6 months earlier, she even went through the list of her ex boyfriends asking/telling me about what she did wrong and trying to prove to me that there aren’t any nice guys in the world.

Trust was a big part of our friendship, without that, I don’t know if it’s worth carrying on.




funcoolname said:


> I hope something I have said will help. I was in a similar place to you at one point and I got out by better defining what I liked and didn't and acting upon it, opening myself to people I wouldn't have in the past, and just taking baby-step risks, both professionally and personally.


It’s definitely helped, thank you.

I’ve told my little brother what I’m thinking, not sure what his long term reaction is going to be but at least he’s someone I can trust to help me out closer to home.


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## Aquamarine (Jul 24, 2011)

LostTheMarbles said:


> I already feel like I’ve lost her, it’s why I thought of just giving up. When we were together she’d come looking for me just to chat or to go out to lunch, she worried about me when I wasn’t well, she even tried to cancel her own plans to look after me, plans I knew were important to her. She used to tell me everything, it’s how we got so close in the first place, she confided in me about her ADHD and anxiety (She doesn’t tell anyone else about it), how she was treated for depression just 6 months earlier, she even went through the list of her ex boyfriends asking/telling me about what she did wrong and trying to prove to me that there aren’t any nice guys in the world.
> 
> Trust was a big part of our friendship, without that, I don’t know if it’s worth carrying on.


This really sounds like me right now. Sigh...


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## LostTheMarbles (Mar 4, 2012)

I've finally gone and deleted her from Facebook (for now), I just can't see her name without some form of feelings, good or bad popping up, I've gone from missing her and worrying about her to actually feeling quite angry about what she's done to me, I hate that she's being so selfish and unreasonable but I guess it's her choice, there's nothing I can really do about it.

I sent her one last message to her explaining what I was doing, telling her that I still value her as a friend but that the trust and closeness we once had has gone and couldn't easily be replaced. I suggested that I'd do my part in rebuilding the trust, even offered to tell her some secrets (things I know she'll be curious about to tempt her back, if not at least I've thrown some doubt into her mind) if they'd help build her trust in me.

I left her with a list of the five things that I thought might remind her of how well we got on together, of course, I just called it my favorite parts of travelling together.

My feelings haven't changed but at least this way I'm not quite so tempted to talk to her and make things worse, I hate this stupid ADHD stuff!


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