# Shy extrovert?



## captain_b (Sep 13, 2013)

So I asked this girl out a few days ago and her type remains a mystery to me. She seems extroverted, that is she will go around and talk to people and initiate conversations. She is pretty good at expressing emotions, e.g. "crying" (not for real of course) about a broken shoe. When talking to her, if I poke around some random topics, she'll usually keep going and we would have a nice conversation which usually how talking with extroverts works for me. As opposed to introverts who would answer short and stay mostly quiet. When I asked her out and told I liked her there was this moment where she went quite for a few seconds and completely lost eye contact.

So basically what are your thoughts? According to my INFJ experience, I am usually getting that kind of energy from ENFJ-s only, however all the ENFJ-s I've met were super extroverted and were randomly running around, talking to everyone, and basically had big problems just being quite for a sec  Also they always want to become teachers and change the world (like literally - always  ) while this girl is going for a technical degree and according to her she likes solving complex problems.

What are your thoughts? And more importantly how do I go around dating her? I assume I don't want to push anything for a while and just do it a bit casually for now until she becomes comfortable around me and develops trust? What kind of conversation pattern should I follow: random small talk as with an extreme extrovert, trying to dig out and intensely focus on an interesting topic as with an introvert, or focus more on being open and complimenting and "sending good energy" as with feeling types, should I try to talk take time and go for developing a connection (which some types find clingy of me)? Help, I am kind of nervous before the first date, I've never dated a shy girl and I really like her (possibly because I can relate to that shyness myself).

Also in case it matters, she is not from the US (from Asia to be specific). I am from some other country too and the reason I am mentioning this is that in my experience there is a huge shift in the extro-intro line in the US: US introverts act more extroverted than extroverts from my home country and US extroverts are just borderline crazy


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## mandolin (Sep 13, 2013)

Hmmm. except for the Asian thing (which obviously doesn't matter) she sounds A LOT like me!

I have read that ENFJs are super friendly, just like you described but when it comes to people asking us out, we can get rreeeeeeeaaaaallllly shy. So she probably is an ENFJ, good call! 

As for dating her? Be yourself on the date!! If she's nervous as well, as I would be, being yourself will help a ton. Chances are, she probably really likes you & now knows you like herrrrrrrrrrrr so.... be the person you introduced her to. Thats the one she likes.

On your date, talk! Hang out! A lot of ENFJ's love language is words of affirmation, but mine is quality time. Time spent just getting to know eachother is key.

Hope this helps, somewhat.


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## Word Dispenser (May 18, 2012)

Extroverts can be shy, but more importantly, introverts can be talkative.

I guess the bottom line would be wondering where she is most comfortable-- Alone, or in a group.


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## captain_b (Sep 13, 2013)

Thanks everyone for encouragement! So here's how everything went. We had a great time together, laughed and talked a lot, everything was flowing just naturally. In the end, when saying good bye-s, we had an intimate moment when I explained in more detail how I feel about her and kissed her. There was a moment of indecisiveness - I was basically asking her out again and suggesting to date. She seemed to hesitate but agreed and returned a great and genuine kiss. In the morning I felt that there was something still hanging in the air and followed up by messaging her. She explained that she enjoyed spending time with me but it usually takes her time to open up for a relationship and she suggested taking it slow (I did ask her our almost immediately after we met which is super unusual of me). So she suggests to keep spending more time together to get to know each other, without rushing for anything. She also said that she did sense how I feel about her and that she thinks that I am brave for expressing these feelings in a straightforward way, without playing around. Also on a side note, I think she hasn't dated for a while and that she was badly hurt in the previous relationship.

Sooooooo....your thoughts?  I feel that we like each other but I don't feel that we have established an emotional connection. She either likes me but is afraid to open up for a relationship or she likes me as a friend only and is just being passive about saying "no". Should I spend some time with her semi-casually and then try to uncover what happened to her in the previous relationship? How should I carry on from now on? Also it's so refreshing to deal with another F type as opposed to all the blunt ST-s I am used to (no offence )

PS. I do realize how touchy-feely this post is, sorry


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## mandolin (Sep 13, 2013)

I'm glad your date went well  really all the advice I can give you is not to push her boundaries, but still spend a lot of time with her. I am guessing that she really does like you (I mean come on, would a friend give you a "great and genuine kiss"?) But that doesn't mean you two have to be TOGETHER immediately. Spend LOTS of time with her, and just get to know each other. The best relationships start with a friendship.

Of course, she does already know how you feel, but if you can stay friends for a little while longer, I think she will appreciate your commitment to making her feel comfortable.


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## captain_b (Sep 13, 2013)

Hey, thanks again for the advice! Dating with this person is going really well and has moved pretty far, we are now basically boyfriend and girlfriend. She is still a bit indecisive and says that falling in love is a rather long process for her which happens eventually, once she sees that the person really likes her. We are still spending a lot of time together and doing all kinds of fun things.

Now one more interesting thing - I talked to her about MBTI and she says that she always tested as INTP which makes my ENFJ guess look kind of silly. After having spent more time with her, I do realize that she is "I" although it's a mistake that was easy to make since she is so extroverted when I am talking to her. She keeps talking and talking to me about random things and she is pretty expressive emotionally. The T part is still a mystery to me. She is a smart person who deals with hardcore science but when it comes to interpersonal interaction, she is always super concerned about other people's mood, about how a plan would affect other people, etc.. She likes baking cookies and then randomly gives them out to people and feels good when they like her cookies. I have no idea how this can be T 

And on another note - regardless of whether she really is INTP or it's a mistake and she is some other type, I've never seen a person who would be so intelligent and at the same time so pure and simple, almost as a child. It appears to me that different schemes, conscious or subconscious plans to manipulate someone, random internal conflicts are simply incapable or rising in her mind. She simply uses her intelligence to persuade a pretty diverse bunch of hobbies and interests which she is really good at and genuinely happy about. I really wonder where this all will go


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