# How Do You NFs Feel About Self-Pitying Behavior?



## WintersFlame (Nov 18, 2016)

Do you sympathize with it or abhor it? I wanna know what the different NFs feel and think when it comes to evidencing self-pitying behavior in others or strangers.


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## Eefje (May 8, 2017)

WintersFlame said:


> Do you sympathize with it or abhor it? I wanna know what the different NFs feel and think when it comes to evidencing self-pitying behavior in others or strangers.


I don't like self-pity when talking about myself - I don't know whether that is typically NF or just me because of certain events that I experienced. 

But I do understand when others have self-pity. I know how it feels and why it manifests. But they should try and not to, because self-pity doesn't bring you any progress, but rather let's you stagnate in your progress. If they try and do something about their situation, while having self-pity I am okay-ish with it. But if they just sit there and self-pity doing nothing, then I kinda would feel pity for them. And yeah - that's not helping anyone really.

Anyhow - self-pity doesn't bring you anywhere, and generally is a tool to comfort yourself. But because you're comforting yourself, it has less effect than when someone else is comforting you. So yeah, idk, you can't really judge someone for having self-pity.* It's rather what they do with it/about it that's worth judging/percieving.*


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## Syvelocin (Apr 4, 2014)

I can't stand self-pitying behavior. I don't have a ton to say, just yeah, really repels me for a similar reason as @Eefje mentioned, it's stagnant. Makes me feel like the person is dragging me behind along with them and I want to keep moving forward.


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## charlie.elliot (Jan 22, 2014)

I ignore it... it doesn't occur to me to react to it. 

There's a certain kind of way people talk when you can tell they're really just talking to themselves, (trying to build up their own sense of identity), but they are doing it in front of other people, hoping that others' responses to it all will help build up their sense of identity. 

I ignore it without meaning to. Because it doesn't really seem like they're actually talking_ to_ me. Kind of assholeish of me, really. But I think we should all play out our identity crises in our own heads (I know I do).


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## mushr00m (May 23, 2011)

I don't like it. There you go for a very Fi response!  

But elaborating, I can't stand whiny self pity behavior and even moreso if the person isn't prepared to do something about it within their capability. I understand people just want to vent but there's some who make a profession out of it, who just want to dump their emotional baggage and well, that's it. It can actually exaggerate feelings of discomfort for that individual if they don't try to find solutions or enact on them. 

PS: This isn't those who need to let off steam but whiny emo types of people who think they are special in their suffering and are the only one's to do so.


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## Daiz (Jan 4, 2017)

As someone who is very whiny and emo, I have a high tolerance for it in others. Eventually, I expect you to try and do something about it, if you're able, but everyone builds up strength and motivation at a different pace, so I don't mind waiting around with people until they get there.


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## Westy365 (Jun 21, 2012)

It's easy to fall into, but best avoided. In the end, it won't help anything. Seeing self-pity in others makes me pity them, because I feel like they've fallen into a trap that limits their potential. It only makes me angry if someone does it and I know for a fact that they aren't sincere in feeling that way, and that they just want attention. But then, I still pity them for thinking that that's the best way to go about getting it. I guess I pity them no matter what (darn Fe).


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## Belzy (Aug 12, 2013)

I've done way too much self-pitying myself.

I can take self-pitying from others very well. In fact, I have always preferred it over arrogant behavior.



Westy365 said:


> It's easy to fall into, but best avoided. In the end, it won't help anything. Seeing self-pity in others makes me pity them, because I feel like they've fallen into a trap that limits their potential. It only makes me angry if someone does it and I know for a fact that they aren't sincere in feeling that way, and that they just want attention. But then, I still pity them for thinking that that's the best way to go about getting it. I guess I pity them no matter what (darn Fe).


I pity the self-pitying people as well. I've pitied them way too much, more than was good for me.



Daiz said:


> As someone who is very whiny and emo, I have a high tolerance for it in others. Eventually, I expect you to try and do something about it, if you're able, but everyone builds up strength and motivation at a different pace, so I don't mind waiting around with people until they get there.


It's because I recognise (especially my younger self in) the self-pity emo stuff in people, I can't cannot tolerate it from others...........

I've actually am (or have been) familair with people who don't or barely do anything about it, let alone see progress. And that was not easy for me because I cared a lot for that person... who I have pitied for it.


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## Daiz (Jan 4, 2017)

AAADD Edison said:


> I've done way too much self-pitying myself.
> 
> I can take self-pitying from others very well. In fact, I have always preferred it over arrogant behavior.
> 
> ...


Yeah, it can be stressful and exhausting to feel sorrow for someone who seemingly won't help themselves. There does come a point where I get fed up with them and shut down.


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## Aizar (Mar 21, 2011)

Self-pity is a convoluted subject for me. Often I've been told I'm self-pitying when I've put up with something for months and am finally just getting around to talking about it and asking for a change from someone, which makes me REALLY scratch my head and wonder at the other person's maturity. Le grump.

So here I go, with my experiences and thoughts about it--

If a person engages in self-pity and is not doing anything to help themselves, it becomes like an emotional manipulation thing, and that irritates me.

But I also think we tend to underestimate just how much someone is doing to help themselves. They may be making advances in other arenas, with the intent (conscious or not) to come back around to the one they're having trouble with with a stronger foundation and clearer mind. 

But maybe that's just for me, again dealing with immature people. So I try not to judge, because I realize how faulty outside judgements can be, and how much a sign of the other person's internal experiences. When people talk about disliking self-pity, what I also hear is "I don't want to be bothered by someone else's negative feelings". Assuming the person isn't actively trying to draw attention away from the fact they're contributing to those feelings, being uncomfortable about not being able to do something to help someone shouldn't turn into telling them they're lazy/whiny/emo/etc. That's how victim-blaming starts. All you can do is acknowledge you can't do anything, maybe wish them well...and both you and they have to learn how to be comfortable with that.

On the other end, I also hear a lot of people beat themselves up when they realize they're being self-pitying, and that makes no sense to me at all. Feeling pity for yourself is a feeling. It has no innate power. It is telling you something about your reality, it is a call to action. The act of going back to it constantly as a way to shield yourself from actually doing anything about it is the action, the unhealthy part. And that isn't self-pity to me, that's just being lazy or cowardly or knowing deep down that it actually doesn't matter enough to you to do something about it. And sometimes, things aren't worth trying to change. Have to pick your battles. The feelings will still come up. That's just a sign they're still functioning as they should, not that something's wrong with you.


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## Witch of Oreo (Jun 23, 2014)

Depends whether or not it amounts to something. It's one thing to wallow in self-pity for a while to just let go of the feeling of misery by letting it achieve it's top, and then carry on to solve the problem with cool head.
That's good self-pity.
Or if it's just this...




That's obviously a bad one.


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## Flamme et Citron (Aug 26, 2015)

People who lament about their lives bother me a little, I feel that they're a little arrogant. Maybe they're not, that's just my impression. Arrogant because they're trying to receive attention, they're trying to elicit pity from others. If I feel down, I might confide in someone but I won't vomit self-pity on unsuspecting targets because I know that's not fun for them or appropriate. The occasions where it's appropriate to vomit self-pity on other people - I mean, those occasions don't really exist.


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## Headdesk (Jun 13, 2016)

Eefje said:


> I don't like self-pity when talking about myself - I don't know whether that is typically NF or just me because of certain events that I experienced.
> 
> But I do understand when others have self-pity. I know how it feels and why it manifests. But they should try and not to, because self-pity doesn't bring you any progress, but rather let's you stagnate in your progress. If they try and do something about their situation, while having self-pity I am okay-ish with it. But if they just sit there and self-pity doing nothing, then I kinda would feel pity for them. And yeah - that's not helping anyone really.
> 
> Anyhow - self-pity doesn't bring you anywhere, and generally is a tool to comfort yourself. But because you're comforting yourself, it has less effect than when someone else is comforting you. So yeah, idk, you can't really judge someone for having self-pity.* It's rather what they do with it/about it that's worth judging/percieving.*


I think this sums up my thoughts. Everyone falls down in life and then your thoughts aren't always pleasant and self-affirming.

But, I've been through a long life and so have many in my family. It's hard to sympathize with people who won't take steps to better their own situation or who trivialize having things like a nice home, great education, well-paying job, big circle of friends, no health issues, etc.


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## Firemoon (Sep 19, 2015)

Not sure if I have ever self-pitied. I hate it and avoid it like the plague. But perhaps, I did it unconsciously when I felt very low. 
Otherwise, I agree with most people here. Self-pity doesn't help at all, this is like a waste of time.


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## Antipode (Jul 8, 2012)

Hmm... I guess it depends on how they're doing it.

If someone's doing it in an annoying or whining way--as in you're having dinner with the family, and your sister mentions how she met a really nice guy, which cues your aunt to start whining how she will never find a man because she isn't pretty enough. I don't like that for various reasons.

However, if someone is going through a hard time, and they're constantly down on themselves, because they truly view themselves in that negative light, then I have supreme sympathy for them, and wish to help them out of it.


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## Aelthwyn (Oct 27, 2010)

I tend to sympathize. It doesn't bother me, even if you are the cause of your troubles. Feelings are complex, so much contributes to your mood and outlook it's not often not a simple matter of 'bucking up'. When bad stuff happens to you you feel bad, it's only natural. I feel sympathy for people who get mired in that feeling to the point of not being able to take steps to deal with their troubles.


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## Iambanana (Jan 4, 2017)

Most of the time I try to make them more confident about themselves, but deep down I hate it. I do understand them and feel their pain but I know they can overlook those things ! And I know that everyone is and feels different and if they feel like something is wrong with them it's their truth and not mine.

I would never self pity myself to anyone because I don't want them to pity me. The most horrible feeling for me is when someone is feeling bad for me


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## OrangeAppled (Jun 26, 2009)

I may give too much sympathy, leading to those who want a constant stream of sympathy latching onto me as their free therapist. 
I've gotten better at identifying these people before it goes far, but then I also consciously decided to be an empathetic person years ago and not a dismissive one. I decided it doesn't cost me much to be understanding; I don't need to guard against other people's emotions (within reason). I am not losing anything by giving emotionally to others. So I'd rather error on the side of being understanding than trivializing people's feelings.

I find that so-called self-pitying behavior is often people being emotionally honest and asking for some support in healing or at least understanding while they attend to their needs themselves. It doesn't mean they aren't taking action, won't take action, etc. People are too quick to label someone as having a "victim mentality". Sure, some people have that mentality, but how much does it get fed into with the more prevalent attitude of trivializing people's needs and emotions?

Sometimes feelings need to be validated in order to take action too.... self-pity can be asking, "Am I interpreting this emotion correctly?" or sometimes they don't even know what an emotion is signaling at all. Sometimes action is not a swift solution, and in the meantime explanation is required. Sometimes there is only so much people can do to bring about change, and instead they have to cope with something that may not change soon or ever, and there are times the coping will lapse. 

As a illustration: If someone has physical pain and they are in the process of healing and they are taking care of themselves and they tell you about it - are they seeking pity or just telling you what is going on with them? If they didn't tell you what was going on with them and you just saw confusing externals behaviors, then it could cause misunderstandings that hurt you and others. I don't know why people are so much more dismissive of emotional and mental pain.

I came across this video recently and I think it's relevant here:


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## L P (May 30, 2017)

Sometimes people have to do that sort of thing. And those people just need someone to talk to. But there is a point where I can tell that they are just constantly complaining. Then I start to not feel so bad for that and I feel suffocated. I am very aware that people don't like complainers so I refrain from doing it with most people, but if I do it with you consider yourself a very close friend.


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## motherofdragonslover (Dec 21, 2016)

WintersFlame said:


> Do you sympathize with it or abhor it? I wanna know what the different NFs feel and think when it comes to evidencing self-pitying behavior in others or strangers.


I hate it with a passion. Even when I find myself putting me down.


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