# What to do, what to do?



## de l'eau salée (Nov 10, 2008)

So I was supposed to go backpacking for the entire weekend. It ended up pouring on us for the majority of the time and a bunch of us, including myself, ran out of dry clothes and sleeping gear, so we came back. Here I am now with nothing to do and too much on my mind, so I have decided to post this in hope of some helpful responses. 

Anyways, to the point of this post...
As many of you probably know by now, I am gay. I just recently came out to this forum, but have yet to come out in real life to anybody. Am I happy with this? *NO!* I hate it! I want everybody to know. But it’s not that simple. A person like myself can’t just proudly announce it to the world…I lack the confidence, guts, and even pride to do that. Of course, coming out has been on my mind constantly…occupying most of my thinking time now, and there are many things that go along with that.
A question I have been contemplating is…

Who? Who should I tell first? Should I tell just my best of friends, my close friends, my homosexual and bisexual friends, my acquaintances, or a mix of those? Should I even bother telling my roommate who could easily snap me in two? 
I feel I want to start with the person I feel closest to at the moment…someone I unfortunately have strong feelings for…which makes it terribly worse. It seems like he would take it well, but at the same time, I feel like he may get creeped out and not want to hang out with anymore, which would be a huge bummer because I love hanging out with him. That would also give me the opportunity to tell him some of my other flaws that he doesn’t necessarily like in people. I feel like I haven’t been completely honest about myself in that aspect, and coming clean would be extremely relieving and I would then have nothing to hide. Yet, it could also jeopardize the friendship…a big nono.

Now, if I were to do that and everything went smoothly, what would I do next? Should I just go with the flow and see what happens as the time goes? I feel that telling the “gender neutral” (yay for euphemisms!) friends I have would be the best people to tell afterward because they all had to go through the same thing. 
The people I’d be most scared about telling would be my family. Of course, they wouldn’t need to know yet and I could only tell them when I’m comfortable with them, but I can only hold it in for so long.

I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m a big giant bubble. Each second, I’m growing larger and larger. Eventually, I will pop. I can choose two ways to pop: selectively and elegantly or just the opposite. I’d rather choose the first option, which is why I want this to happen soon because it really is about to burst. 

What do you all think I should do? What are your opinions on this? 
Please, be serious in your answers, this is hard to post and the wrong kind of humor won’t go well here.


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## 480 (Jan 22, 2009)

First, tell someone you know you can tell and things wont change because you told. Someone you trust. That'll probably take some of the immediacy out of the situation. Feel liberating, etc. Then you could sort of practice coming out to other people who will be accepting of it. You might be surprised at how many already knew, however good you think you've been at hiding it. Doing this a little at a time will build your confidence, and ease your inner tension.

What then?

*"Yet, it could also jeopardize the friendship…a big nono."*


You don't really have a friendship. Friendships are based off of trust. You're lying about who you are to this person. He doesn't like you. He likes what he thinks is you. What's more is you don't trust him to like the real you. You've not allowed him to make up his own mind about who he wants to be friends with. It is very possible that you being gay may not bother him so much, but he still wont want to be your friend because you've been lying to him all this time. I think you should tell him, come what may... because in the end whatever happens will be real... based off of the reality of who you are. If it ends poorly it's going to hurt... but I'd guess you'll feel better in the long run about being honest. You'll have more self-respect for having done the right thing.


Good luck.


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## Ninja (Jun 28, 2009)

I'm thinking your urge to tell some people has come over you, and feels like an urge to show the world who you truly are. However I question if the world needs to know entirely, the entirety of your business of attractions and mentality in this aspect of your mind. Your roomy for example, who could easily snap in two, unless you hang out with him and you're best buds. I would tell those people who you really want to tell.. who you think need to know, of course.

If someone were to tell me they were gay, first of all, I would have most likely seen the signs, and if I didn't I wouldn't care if I had already been cool with the person.. that wouldn't change how I saw the person, if we were already cool. Hi, I'm so and so, and I'm gay. Who cares, you're so and so.. and you're a human like me. 

Tell everyone you want.. burst the bubble. Let the consequences fall where they may. If you did it long ago you wouldn't have to do it now.. and if you do it now you won't have to do it in the future when you will feel like you have deceived people for longer. Seems that you want to be free of emotional pain.. I suggest you not fear it. In 5 years time, it will be out, and you would have moved on.. with memories, yet with freedom. It's ok however you want to do it.


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## red riding hood (Aug 10, 2009)

Tell some one you trust, and who know will love you and be there for you, and support you, this is not going to be easy, but trying to be someone you are not will tear you apart. My son’s godfather is also gay, he almost killed himself rather than let people know he was gay. It broke my heart to see him go through that. Be proud of yourself, be who you are, but be careful too, and remember just because someone else has a problem with something it does not mean anything is wrong with you. 

I had a very good friend growing up who was gay, funny he never came out to me, I just told him one day I knew he was gay. He almost fell over he looked so scared. I wanted so much to protect him from the ignorance and stupidity that I knew he would have to face from people, but I also knew it was best for him to get who he was out in the open. I went with him to tell his mother, it was so funny, she was only sad that she was not going to get red headed grand babies. He and I were both red heads, and so many people thought we were dating. 

You have support here, I wish I could hug you, I am sorry for the ignorance and prejudice you have to face, but anyone who does not love you as you are is just losing out, and to heck with them. You will find things are much better once you are out and able to be yourself.


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## snail (Oct 13, 2008)

You've already taken a huge first step by telling us. I know that was easier because the consequences were more detached from your daily life, and because several other well-liked forum members are also gay. You already knew that my best friend was bisexual, and I assume that's one reason you were able to tell me even before making it public here. It is a good idea to start by telling people you like who already have friends that are openly gay, because they're less likely to overreact in a homophobic way. After you have told them, you will have the confidence of knowing that in a worst case scenario in which people become hostile or reject you, you will have a support group to fall back on. That should make it feel a little less socially risky.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## de l'eau salée (Nov 10, 2008)

Thanks for all of your responses, everybody. It means a lot .
My emotions have been all over the place lately. One moment I'm extremely depressed, the other I'm extremely happy. I feel incomplete inside and as much as I like it up here, I almost feel like I need to run away until my emotions calm down. I wrote a letter for my friend who I'd like to tell before anybody else, and it's been saved on my computer for a few days now. I can't muster up the courage to just have him read it...I'm too scared. There have been plenty of perfect opportunities, but I haven't taken advantage of any of them. *sigh*


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## red riding hood (Aug 10, 2009)

Relax breath deep and take it easy, I have never been in your shoes, so I can't really tell you I understand, but I can tell you that you are just fine, and that there are many many more people than you know who will love you and support you. Have you thought about finding a support group for people just coming out? Maybe people who had already gone through it could give you better tips on how to go about things?


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## imru2 (Jun 20, 2009)

I wish I could tell you my own story to make you feel better. But my coming out wasn't by choice. 

However, like several others have said, you should start with one or two people you trust and know love you. You'll probably realize that several people you know already suspect you are gay. Other people still won't even bat an eye. But it's scary and it can be nerve-wracking for sure. 

Build that small circle of trust and then look at how good you feel hanging out with them. You'll know that being able to be honest about who you like and who you are is so much better than pretending to be something you aren't. 

Some people are able to just burst out at the seams and tell everyone at the same time. But you don't have to make this into such a climatic situation. Start small, start with people you can fall back on. The rest will come and your confident will grow quickly. Feel free to talk more to me if you'd like.


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## So Long So Long (Jun 6, 2009)

I just came out to my mom four days ago... One of the most nerve wracking things I've ever done and she still thinks it's a phase, but this isn't about me! lol. 

I've heard it's easier if you come out to the people who aren't the most important to you, yaknow? People you don't see that often, that way you can work your way up. But like Ung told me the other day on msn, Don't do it all at once. Have small battles, not one huge war. 

I really wish I could think of something better to say... Except that if your friends don't take it well, than they are not good friends... They should love you for who you truly are. 

Hopefully this helped somewhat. 

P.S: I can't wait until you get to feel the weight come off your shoulders like I did. roud:


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## thehigher (Apr 20, 2009)

I agree with Grim. I think the people that you care about most will accept you for who you are. I don't think of you any differently for having said that :happy:


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## shygirl (Jul 31, 2009)

I would start with telling someone whose feelings about you would not change with the news. This would be someone who is close to you and can keep the secret until you're ready to tell more people. Also, it would be optimal for this person to be someone you can discuss who you should/could tell next.

You might want to make a list of your friends and family ordered by most accepting to least accepting.

If you tell someone who is going to be supportive of you first, you have someone to go to and talk to when you've told someone who is not supportive. My thought is that if you tell someone who isn't going to be supportive or who you're not sure is supportive, you may not get a positive reaction and you may have a harder time telling others.

I really feel for you on this. I have a friend whose friends all know, but his parents still don't because my friend doesn't think they would be as accepting. You can choose your friends, ya' know? Luckily for my friend he has one heck of a support group with his friends and hopefully that eases a little bit of the anxiety of his family not knowing.

If you luck out, some of your friends may already know. When my friend told me, I had already known. He was shocked that I knew, but I just never asked him if he was because I figured he just wasn't ready to tell me. He was a little nervous after that because I had known... he didn't want to be so apparent.

I wish you the best of luck on things going well. If they do not, you've got a ton of people here at PersonalityCafe who would be more than happy to talk to you. Heck, we'd be happy to talk to you if things went well. Keep us posted, we're here for you!


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## knght990 (Jul 28, 2009)

I would start with my closest friends and give them the opportunity to bail trying not to take it personally. Even though some may not react favorably at first, once they understand they'll come around. Those who don't abandon you (since true friends wont care either way) will become the support system to allow me to brave the rest of the world.


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## thehigher (Apr 20, 2009)

kudos on your courage. It takes a lot of balls to be yourself in the midst our society, more balls than about 90 percent of our population.


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## de l'eau salée (Nov 10, 2008)

Alrighty, so a little update. 

A few days ago, I talked to one of my very best friends back in San Diego and I told her. She was very accepting and didn't seem to care about it at all. She even drove up 14 hours with her friend to see me. It was probably one of the nicest and most comforting things anybody has ever done for me and caught me by complete surprise. I was shocked and it made me feel loved...very loved.
Amazingly enough, a little before my friend called me telling me she was up in the area, I was in the forest with another one of my best friends, telling him. He was also extremely accepting and it made me feel so happy because I was able to cry on his shoulders and know that people still valued me as a friend. It was such a relief. 
So everything has been going very great, but, of course, I still have the nervousness of coming out to the rest of the world. That time will come, though, I told the two people I wanted to most. 

On a side note, should I feel wrong for hugging heterosexual guys? I've made some pretty strong friendships up here and we do lots of hugging and stuff, but I feel kinda fucked up inside for keeping quiet because they might not want to be doing so if they knew. Well, one of them knows, so I guess that's not too bad.


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## snail (Oct 13, 2008)

I hug lesbian friends and acquaintances just as I hug my heterosexual male friends and acquaintances. I've never felt guilty for it. I've even hugged heterosexual males that I was attracted to, knowing they weren't interested in me, and secretly felt desire for them while doing it. This is not a problem that exists exclusively for homosexuals. My bisexual best friend hugs other males in our group, and is even sexually attracted to one of them who is heterosexual. He also hugs females in our group, and is sexually attracted to one of them who has no desire for him. I'm not sure your sexual preference makes any difference when it comes to hugging, unless you want to say that nobody should be allowed to hug anyone who is of their preferred gender.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 1057 (Apr 9, 2009)

WHOA, you like boys, too? cool, so do i

in all seriousness, gay guys make the best friends. if your current associates don't want to be friends with you because of your sexual preference, they're missing out badly


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## red riding hood (Aug 10, 2009)

de l'eau salée said:


> Alrighty, so a little update.
> 
> A few days ago, I talked to one of my very best friends back in San Diego and I told her. She was very accepting and didn't seem to care about it at all. She even drove up 14 hours with her friend to see me. It was probably one of the nicest and most comforting things anybody has ever done for me and caught me by complete surprise. I was shocked and it made me feel loved...very loved.
> Amazingly enough, a little before my friend called me telling me she was up in the area, I was in the forest with another one of my best friends, telling him. He was also extremely accepting and it made me feel so happy because I was able to cry on his shoulders and know that people still valued me as a friend. It was such a relief.
> ...


I am so happy for you and I hug guys and girls and well lots of people I am a hugger, just be happy sweet heart, you are loved, more than you know :laughing:


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## knght990 (Jul 28, 2009)

You might warn your guy friends before you hug them, but as long as they don't object go for it.


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## 1057 (Apr 9, 2009)

warn them? ...about what? "i'm gay and i'm about to hug you"?
...............:mellow:


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## So Long So Long (Jun 6, 2009)

Don't feel bad about hugging them. It's not like you're raping them or something. It's just a hug. Nothing more, nothing less.


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