# NT's: To pursue or to be pursued?



## Nearsification (Jan 3, 2010)

I don't chase people. I've have broken a few hearts but i do not care.:mellow: I do not see the big deal of getting rejected.


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## xackery (Apr 17, 2009)

I find that when girls try to pursue me, they suck at it.. Well, not that they suck, but more I suck at recognizing I'm being pursued! Subtle hints fail, if you do not tell me something bluntly, I will likely shrug it off and not pursue it as an interest in me.

When I pursue a girl, I tell them bluntly what I want and what I think, I really put myself out there for them to do whatever they want. The only thing that irritates me is when they put me on a pending list. I like answers now, if people are like "I'm not sure" or "let's get to know each other more", I feel it is more annoying and awkward that I was able to put myself out like that and they aren't even willing to task the risk after I do such a forward thing.. I normally will die off and show disinterest just at that reply... This is situational person by person category...

In regards to shy girls (SF types especially), I am getting more and more disliking of them. Shy girls to me are a terrible mix because of my need for honest, direct replies. If you do not tell me what you think, or why you are sad, I am unable to figure out why you are sad. It isn't laziness on my part, it is that I do not have the capability to understand why you are so randomly emotional especially because girls are normally so great to hide their thoughts and feelings from too much practice at it. So, I attract to the more blunt type of girls, because that's how I like it. 

Most shy girls hate when I say the above, but frankly I hate when shy girls play "hard to get". 

BUT! Shy INTJ's I find great. They know how to be blunt. they are honest. They may be quiet and I have to be aggressive to get them to talk, but at least they aren't too girly and cryptic. I can take what they say and work from it. I think my shy statement above is for the touchy feely type.

If I ask a girl "why are you so moody?" they can reply, "It is that time of the month", and I will go, "Oh ok.. " and that's all I need. I understand for the next week your talk patterns and overall vibes will be odd depending on how the time of the month hits you, but for the next week you'll likely have some things I should not take seriously.. I should lay off the big problems for a week. And the next week expected added horniness. Once that's all done, you are going to be normal again, and I can then start talking bluntly and honestly about you. Lol.


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## KaylRyck (Feb 2, 2010)

A *shy* INTJ?? Wow, I've yet to meet one. 

The "hard to get" game...a complete turn-off for me.


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## AgentSH (Feb 1, 2010)

Ideally I would prefer to be pursued, but hell, wouldn't anyone rather have someone else go to all the trouble? And so, I refuse to wait until things come to me, so for effectiveness I find myself going on the hunt.
As for the how, I try to do something original and unique, or at least memorable. Like asking her if this rag smells like chloroform.


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## wealldie (Jan 24, 2010)

I would generally prefer to pursue, if I am genuinely drawn to a person. But if someone pursues me, I will definitely feel it out to see if it has legs.


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## Sweetish (Dec 17, 2009)

I don't like being pursued... When I was single, my pursuers didn't have a facking clue what they were getting themselves into and so they got themselves hurt or baffled or -best case scenario- realized that they wasted their time which I knew before it even got started, but, they just couldn't take "No." for an answer. "What, did you think I was a mystery? or some mountain for you to get to the top of? some personal conquest to brag about to your boys? I don't think so, honey. You will see just how little of a mystery I am real quick, here, and I already figured _you_ out." It's funny that a woman who knows exactly what she wants is the one who gets called a "bitch" despite the irony of the fact that she's subservient to no one's wishes.

So, yes, I prefer to be the pursuer. I must admit, though, I got lucky in being pursued by an NF, but it's still hard to say who fired the first shot in that paintball match.

Marriage complicates the issue, though, as I get pursued by my spouse AND get to be the pursuer :3 It's fun continuing the chase. Once again, though, anybody who tries to get my attention from outside of my marriage is going to be sorely disappointed. I especially loathe guys who say they can be my friend but then they go and ruin it simply because I have 2 X chromosomes and they have a Y. It pisses me off, actually. Like to be their friend without complications I would have to be a guy just so they would never bring tension into it due to, I dunno, homophobia? At least "bromance" participants don't make a big deal out of it like guy/girl friendships tend to -_-



xackery said:


> BUT! Shy INTJ's I find great. They know how to be blunt. they are honest. They may be quiet and I have to be aggressive to get them to talk, but at least they aren't too girly and cryptic. I can take what they say and work from it. I think my shy statement above is for the touchy feely type.
> 
> If I ask a girl "why are you so moody?" they can reply, "It is that time of the month", and I will go, "Oh ok.. " and that's all I need. I understand for the next week your talk patterns and overall vibes will be odd depending on how the time of the month hits you, but for the next week you'll likely have some things I should not take seriously.. I should lay off the big problems for a week. And the next week expected added horniness. Once that's all done, you are going to be normal again, and I can then start talking bluntly and honestly about you. Lol.


GAHAHAHAHAHAAA! Finally, someone who openly understands and accepts the hormonal fluctuations of females instead of mocking them, thank you. It's difficult being an INTJ and female, compared to the INTJ males who don't ever have to worry about hormonal influences giving them mood swings -_- Yes, it pays off to know when we will be biologically horny, too. It also pays off to know that when we are perceptibly horny, definitely "don't be silly- wrap your willy!" I mean, it's smart to do that anyway, but yeah, a horny INTJ mood most often coincides with a fertile INTJ *ROFLMAO*



KaylRyck said:


> A *shy* INTJ?? Wow, I've yet to meet one.












ROFL... "shy" is a perceptual word that I've never associated with, personally. An INTJ is hesitantly cautious until he/she has developed their sense of people. Being "shy" gives us the advantage we prefer of observing until we get a confident notion of who is genuine and who is not, who is interesting and who is not, etc. Indirect relations garner us a unique perspective until we want to be involved with someone, at which point we will stop being so shy and will be direct.



AgentSH said:


> Ideally I would prefer to be pursued, but hell, wouldn't anyone rather have someone else go to all the trouble? And so, I refuse to wait until things come to me, so for effectiveness I find myself going on the hunt.
> As for the how, I try to do something original and unique, or at least memorable. Like asking her if this rag smells like chloroform.


LMAO >)


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## fleur de lis (Jan 8, 2010)

Coffee Grinder said:


> I'm too lazy to persue.


that's just it......... i feel that men are getting lazier.... no offense or argumentation directed at you specifically, but you raise a pertinent point.......

if a girl has to ask the guy on a date, what that probably means for the relationship is that she shouldn't expect much leadership from him in the future.......

what happened to the idea of women being worthy of pursuit...... some blame it on recent advances is feminism...... but if you think about it, if women are bettering themselves, shouldn't the men also be continuing to better themselves? can they not keep up? why are some men content to let women surpass them in boldness...... it's like those men have decided to stop evolving and rest on their laurels, or perhaps more accurately, on their COUCHES....... whilst the women grow restless and are forced to become the active decision makers and the masters of the romantic preemptive strike.....

a man should either lead a woman or get out of her way....... if he can't do that, he can remain single until he knows what being a man means...... i mean really, "men," you depreciate our worth.......


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## Sweetish (Dec 17, 2009)

fleur de lis said:


> a man should either lead a woman or get out of her way....... if he can't do that, he can remain single until he knows what being a man means...... i mean really, "men," you depreciate our worth.......


Hence the rise in lesbianism.


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## EX1127 (Jan 15, 2010)

fleur de lis said:


> a man should either lead a woman or get out of her way....... if he can't do that, he can remain single until he knows what being a man means...... i mean really, "men," you depreciate our worth.......


Im curious we are to lead you or let you to your own devices? So what happen to the men and women are equal thought process? Should it not be an equal leading since I'm pretty sure all people are fallible at one point or another? An all or nothing process seems a little extreme


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## knght990 (Jul 28, 2009)

I like to be pursued. An outgoing girl who is somewhat possessive of me is just fine. 
I am totally shy, though the internet is a good mask.


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## fleur de lis (Jan 8, 2010)

EX1127 said:


> Im curious we are to lead you or let you to your own devices? So what happen to the men and women are equal thought process? Should it not be an equal leading since I'm pretty sure all people are fallible at one point or another? An all or nothing process seems a little extreme


do not confuse leadership with dominance, ownership, manipulation, etc. ..... and of course people aren't infallible..... the term "leadership" that i'm defining and discussing is a question of initiative.... if a guy can't be intentional in pursuit, what evidence do i have that he can be intentional about anything in his life? does he have ambition? is he going somewhere? a guy who can (maybe not fearlessly, but confidently) engage a girl he's interested in shows that he knows how to get what he wants, and suggests the makings of a strong protector and an attentive provider...... a guy who sits back and expects things to come to him shows the opposite...... and that kind of guy is not what most girls are looking for......

think of it like ballroom dancers...... both the man and the woman are equally talented, equally strong (the girl can do everything the man can do, and better yet BACKWARDS and IN HEELS)..... but the man leads..... if they're both trying to lead each other, the footwork is all a mess....... so the woman follows, not submissively or obediently, but as a collaborator, sharing his vision and allowing him to initiate the steps......

i understand that some guys are shy..... but he doesn't have to kick down the door and sweep the lady off of her feet..... even a shy guy can ask a girl out to coffee....... i've seen it happen.....


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## xackery (Apr 17, 2009)

@ fleur de lis: I tend to initiate my conversations, but if the girl just expects me to run the show I find that a turn off. I mean, any one who sits down and thinks about it should realize that relationships SHOULD take "initiative" on both sides.. Otherwise, one person will be tired and the other will be cracking the whip!


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## fleur de lis (Jan 8, 2010)

there there..... no one sits back and runs the show..... i hope to never suggest the male ballroom dancer drags the woman dancer's dead weight around...... once the guy initiates, of course the girl responds and does her part..... every action causes an equal and opposite reaction....... i'm sure i don't need further elaboration...... we can all figure out how human interaction works from here, i hope.......


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## AgentSH (Feb 1, 2010)

Of course. It takes two to tango, but someone's got to ask for the dance.


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## EX1127 (Jan 15, 2010)

Well I agree but im pretty sure both of the dancers do things backwards or else they would only be dancing in one direction. But as for asking a dance Iv asked and have been asked to dance and Iv lead and have been lead while dancing. Just because a guy shows no initiative in the beginning does not mean he is forever and always a non-inititave subject. It is kinda like you said each action causes an equal and opposite but in this case similar reaction. If a guy likes you and he realizes that you may like him to it is more of a coaxing of sorts for him to try and be more forward if he realizes that it is not a waste of energy on his part. 

As for the heels Iv never really seen the reason for women to wear them. (random input):tongue:


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## Mikbert (Jul 19, 2009)

I've pretty much given up on pursuing, and in todays society, where men are expected to be the only ones to ask someone out it pretty much means that I'll never date.


There, simple.


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## Sweetish (Dec 17, 2009)

The wearing of heels force certain muscles in the lower leg, like calf muscles, to be more pronounced, flexed, "sexy". I personally don't like wearing heels as they serve no utility to me for my endeavors- would rather flex my muscles while wearing running shoes, actually running.

Dancing is fun when a normally inhibited, restrained, controlled person finally learns to relax, to be able to accept and take direction from the partner in a non-coercive, cooperative manner of influence and trust. That can be sexy.


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## xackery (Apr 17, 2009)

fleur de lis said:


> there there..... no one sits back and runs the show..... i hope to never suggest the male ballroom dancer drags the woman dancer's dead weight around...... once the guy initiates, of course the girl responds and does her part..... every action causes an equal and opposite reaction....... i'm sure i don't need further elaboration...... we can all figure out how human interaction works from here, i hope.......


But if the male ballroom dancer is constantly asking the woman, and the woman never takes the initiative, then to me that is a crap relationship. Your argument seems to suggest that if someone simply follows my lead, they are taking an initiative. To me, to take initiative means to initiate the action, not to react to another person's initiation.

E.g. If I ask a girl out to dance, and she accepts, we dance and I'm all good. I will ask again when I want to dance again, or maybe sense she wants me to ask her again.. but IDEALLY if the girl wants to dance again, she takes the initiative to ask back.

This is how I feel about most of my relationships. If someone pursues me, I want them to pursue back later to give me obvious evidence they are actually interested in me and not just "going along for the ride". Some people can never do this, and those people are ones I don't like to date. Why? I'm at a loss as to their current thoughts. For all I know, they could be using me maliciously just to get back at a friend and I have no way to tell this is the case or not. The possibilities of what you can do to manipulate a situation is far greater when you aren't taking the initiative. It's easy to laugh at the kid who falls on his face when he's on the tight rope, but you may stop laughing when you try it for yourself. 

I think it's lazy to just sit around and expect the guy to run the show, even if you're taking the initiative to reply yes or no and "honor" the guy with your presence. 

I am all about girl's rights and fairness, and to me I think it's unfair for me to always take initiative.. So, I need an independent, well thought out person who can tell me what they want. This is because, without this information I know what will happen.. I will smother them with what I want due to how terrible I am at picking up vibes on thoughts.. tell me what you want, and I'll craft the world to fit you in. Sit and expect me to always think of you, and you'll find yourself fading away slowly from my mind..

So yeah, it isn't so much about who starts the pursuing in my eyes, it's more a question if the other is ready to pursue back later down the line.. and I am definitely ready and will openly tell you you're worth it.


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## fleur de lis (Jan 8, 2010)

xackery said:


> E.g. If I ask a girl out to dance, and she accepts, we dance and I'm all good. I will ask again when I want to dance again, or maybe sense she wants me to ask her again.. but IDEALLY if the girl wants to dance again, she takes the initiative to ask back.


did i disagree with this?


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## xackery (Apr 17, 2009)

If your reply implied the girl does more than just follow lead, then you didn't disagree..


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