# I hate myself



## Morfy (Dec 3, 2013)

Yo, i truly hate myself deep inside. Now, i kind of want to have a nice and happy life but don't think i deserve it? Now, people always tell me, "you have to help yourself", but thing is: I don't really want to help myself because i feel guilty for even wanting to become happier?
I don't get why people even want to be friends with me really 
I feel like I am the worst scum deep inside.
Now is there anyway to stop hating myself that is possible for me to do? I'm such a worthless hypocrite ^_^


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## snowbell (Apr 2, 2012)

Morfinyon said:


> Yo, i truly hate myself deep inside. Now, i kind of want to have a nice and happy life but don't think i deserve it? Now, people always tell me, "you have to help yourself", but thing is: *I don't really want to help myself because i feel guilty for even wanting to become happier?*
> I don't get why people even want to be friends with me really
> I feel like I am the worst scum deep inside.
> Now is there anyway to stop hating myself that is possible for me to do? I'm such a worthless hypocrite ^_^


Do you happen to know why this is the case? Do you happen to know why you hate yourself? I get the impression it sounds like you're dealing with something deeper than just the hatred. Is there something that you did, or a series of events perhaps that gave rise to this sense?

As to why people would want to be friends with you - do you happen to know of any (for the moment at least) easily mentionable qualities about you? 

Maybe you might find the tumblr of online counselling college to be helpful. They post inspirational quotes and descriptions of things (not in the cheesy "EVERYONE'S #1!" way) that I've found very helpful.


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## Morfy (Dec 3, 2013)

snowbell said:


> Do you happen to know why this is the case? Do you happen to know why you hate yourself? I get the impression it sounds like you're dealing with something deeper than just the hatred. Is there something that you did, or a series of events perhaps that gave rise to this sense?


Not sure, there are a couple things that i did. I also feel very empty and like I don't truly exist. Also i frequently lie and manipulate people. Those are things i really dislike so they make me dislike myself naturally.
Also i really loathe my father and my mother has always compared me to him.



snowbell said:


> As to why people would want to be friends with you - do you happen to know of any (for the moment at least) easily mentionable qualities about you?


I guess I am a good listener and creative and fun? At least a part of me is



snowbell said:


> Maybe you might find the tumblr of online counselling college to be helpful. They post inspirational quotes and descriptions of things (not in the cheesy "EVERYONE'S #1!" way) that I've found very helpful.


I shall check that out i guess


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## snowbell (Apr 2, 2012)

Morfinyon said:


> Not sure, there are a couple things that i did. I also feel very empty and like I don't truly exist. Also i frequently lie and manipulate people. Those are things i really dislike so they make me dislike myself naturally.
> Also i really loathe my father and my mother has always compared me to him.
> 
> 
> ...


That makes sense. That makes a lot of sense. It sounds as though you feel at least partly amorphous and without your own sense of identity - maybe that you'd like to have one but can't seem to find/create it? I imagine (to put it mildly) that the comparisons that your Mom makes don't help either, because they define you in a way strongly disagree with? 

It's good that you're aware that you lie and manipulate - sometimes that's half the battle. Do you happen to know why you do so? What you gain out of it? If you can figure that out, it could point to things that you feel are lacking in you / as part of you. How do you do with maintaining and enforcing your boundaries? 

People like to talk about themselves, and not so many people listen very well, so you do have a leg up if you can cultivate that. A really good leg, at that. Creativity can also help you to express your emotions in a healthy way (journalling, painting, writing, etc) or alternatively come up with options that you can explore/use to navigate to a better situation/position. 

Just note, a lot of the stuff they give is of all sorts of stuff, so some of it might not be helpful. I've been following it for many months now (at least 8 I think) and it's given it time to make a "constellation" of advice that has helped shift some of my more distorted perceptions. Also, are you signed up for the Enneagram Institute's "EnneaThought of the Day"? That's another resource that operates rather similarly, and I admittedly got really frustrated with it early on, but the more you read them each day the more it makes you aware of the Enneagram in your daily life which I've found is quite helpful. You do need to sign up for an account and give them a physical address but they've never sent me anything that I recall.


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## Morfy (Dec 3, 2013)

snowbell said:


> That makes sense. That makes a lot of sense. It sounds as though you feel at least partly amorphous and without your own sense of identity - maybe that you'd like to have one but can't seem to find/create it? I imagine (to put it mildly) that the comparisons that your Mom makes don't help either, because they define you in a way strongly disagree with?


Idk I used to have dreams when I was a child I guess. Now i feel rather empty and lost. My interests and ideas about the future change very fast, I feel like I'm not really a person but more like a snapshot of something that changes all the time and has no place it belongs if that makes sense.



snowbell said:


> It's good that you're aware that you lie and manipulate - sometimes that's half the battle. Do you happen to know why you do so? What you gain out of it? If you can figure that out, it could point to things that you feel are lacking in you / as part of you. How do you do with maintaining and enforcing your boundaries?


I don't always know why i do it. But sometimes it is to get attention i guess? To get people to notice me? I exaggerate a lot i suppose. 



snowbell said:


> People like to talk about themselves, and not so many people listen very well, so you do have a leg up if you can cultivate that. A really good leg, at that. Creativity can also help you to express your emotions in a healthy way (journalling, painting, writing, etc) or alternatively come up with options that you can explore/use to navigate to a better situation/position.


Hmm yea i used to keep a journal and a dream-journal but i stopped doing that a few years ago. I write poetry and short stories occasionally i guess. 



snowbell said:


> Just note, a lot of the stuff they give is of all sorts of stuff, so some of it might not be helpful. I've been following it for many months now (at least 8 I think) and it's given it time to make a "constellation" of advice that has helped shift some of my more distorted perceptions. Also, are you signed up for the Enneagram Institute's "EnneaThought of the Day"? That's another resource that operates rather similarly, and I admittedly got really frustrated with it early on, but the more you read them each day the more it makes you aware of the Enneagram in your daily life which I've found is quite helpful. You do need to sign up for an account and give them a physical address but they've never sent me anything that I recall.


Hmm I guess I'll look into that but I am not too sure about that tbh


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## Polexia (Apr 22, 2014)

Could you be depressed? Sounds like you might be a little depressed as well as a self loather... Your description of feeling empty, no dreams etc. in my experience depression is not only a horrible state in it self, but it can deepen the sense of self loathing and hatred.


I have a long history of being a self hater. There have been times in my life where I have hated myself to a point were the self hatred is physically painful to walk around with. I've felt like shit, worthless, stupid, annoying, awful, ugly etc. and what I usually find when I start breaking down those thoughts is that they are lies! Lies I tell myself. 

What has helped for me (it's a process that can take a great deal of time) is I got a notebook and started making a list of 5 things I was pleased with that day (as in things I had done and stuff relating to me as a person) 

I would also, frequently, make a list over stuff I like about myself. And try and do more nice things for myself and try and treat myself better. 

And I had to try and find the root of the issue and to answer the Q:"why do I hate myself? Why do I feel that I deserve to be misrable? Why do I feel that I deserve all of this pain?"

Some of the things you describe as reasons for you to hate yourself are things you can change. You manipulate others and lie. We'll stop with the lies and the manipulations. 
If you do it for attention: find other ways of getting attention! 

Have you told your mom to stop comparing you with your dad?



Sent from my iPhone using TapaTalk


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## izebize (Jan 31, 2012)

Morfinyon said:


> Yo, i truly hate myself deep inside. Now, i kind of want to have a nice and happy life but don't think i deserve it? Now, people always tell me, "you have to help yourself", but thing is: I don't really want to help myself because i feel guilty for even wanting to become happier?
> I don't get why people even want to be friends with me really
> I feel like I am the worst scum deep inside.
> Now is there anyway to stop hating myself that is possible for me to do? I'm such a worthless hypocrite ^_^


Have you thought about therapy?


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## Lemxn (Aug 17, 2013)

You think you don't deserve to be happy becauseyou may be punish yourself for something. You say you don't want to help yourself but in fact, you do. You are screaming for help. Rght now in that post.

First, why do you feel so much guilty? Are you THAT bad person to not deserve happiness at all? 

I know it's odd but a therapist could help you. Of course you are not getting better by your own. Loving yourself it is a very hard work. Been there, done that.


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## Morfy (Dec 3, 2013)

Lemxn said:


> You think you don't deserve to be happy becauseyou may be punish yourself for something. You say you don't want to help yourself but in fact, you do. You are screaming for help. Rght now in that post.
> 
> First, why do you feel so much guilty? Are you THAT bad person to not deserve happiness at all?
> 
> I know it's odd but a therapist could help you. Of course you are not getting better by your own. Loving yourself it is a very hard work. Been there, done that.


It's difficult ;A; I'm scum ;w;
I'Ve considered seeing a psychiatrist. But the waiting lists are hella long over here and i don't want to take away someone else's spot


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

If you can admit this to yourself, and to complete strangers on an online forum, I would say your next step is to do so with a mental health professional; someone who can guide you out of the dark place you are in and help you embrace your light. I hope you find what you need because everyone has worth, everyone deserves to fond happiness.


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## tiki (May 11, 2014)

Morfinyon said:


> Yo, i truly hate myself deep inside. Now, i kind of want to have a nice and happy life but don't think i deserve it? Now, people always tell me, "you have to help yourself", but thing is: I don't really want to help myself because i feel guilty for even wanting to become happier?
> I don't get why people even want to be friends with me really
> I feel like I am the worst scum deep inside.
> Now is there anyway to stop hating myself that is possible for me to do? I'm such a worthless hypocrite ^_^


Why do you feel so? What are ur traits that you thot are so bad?


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## Morfy (Dec 3, 2013)

tiki said:


> Why do you feel so? What are ur traits that you thot are so bad?


Idk
Im worthless, lazy scum, I lie a lot, blow up at my friends a lot. And good for nothing really


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## Promethea (Aug 24, 2009)

Look into how to get at the healthy levels of enneagram 4. : P


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## tiki (May 11, 2014)

Morfinyon said:


> Idk
> Im worthless, lazy scum, I lie a lot, blow up at my friends a lot. And good for nothing really


What are good traits?


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## Morfy (Dec 3, 2013)

tiki said:


> What are good traits?


Dunno, I guess I'm good at listening and giving terrible advice? I'm semi-good at video games. And I can learn languages 5% faster than the average human being. That's about it


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## tiki (May 11, 2014)

Morfinyon said:


> Dunno, I guess I'm good at listening and giving terrible advice? I'm semi-good at video games. And I can learn languages 5% faster than the average human being. That's about it


No there is more good things. Pls continue it.


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## Morfy (Dec 3, 2013)

tiki said:


> No there is more good things. Pls continue it.


I can't think of any :I


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## tiki (May 11, 2014)

Morfinyon said:


> I can't think of any :I


Then you better think more! It is ur home work. Pls write 10 good things about you. Try to look at you from a kind friends eyes.


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## Morfy (Dec 3, 2013)

tiki said:


> Then you better think more! It is ur home work. Pls write 10 good things about you. Try to look at you from a kind friends eyes.


It's hard ;w;
I guess I am imaginative and uhh idk?


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## tiki (May 11, 2014)

Morfinyon said:


> It's hard ;w;
> I guess I am imaginative and uhh idk?


Sorry I do accept it. Who is ur bff?


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