# ''I'm not ready for a relationship right now''



## SilentScream (Mar 31, 2011)

Loki Grim said:


> @Jawz
> 
> 
> Rejection is better then regret, I guess that's why I'm pursuing this one so much.


I'll agree with you on that  It is better to know than to never know. I do hope you can forge some sort of intimate bond with her - but then limerence becomes a factor as well. 

I wish human relationships were easy. Best we can do is maintain decent conduct and open communication, work through problems and be kind to each other


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## MonieJ (Nov 22, 2010)

O well on to the next one.


If the girl isn't ready then she isn't ready.

It is a possibility that she's not interested and doesn't want to say it to your face but there are other ladies out there who I'm sure would love to be in a relationship, so why get hung up on just one?


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## Thomas D M Thompson (Sep 14, 2011)

snail said:


> @Thomas D M Thompson It would be the first example, for me. In the second, the conversation wouldn't flow right, probably wouldn't ever end up getting intimate enough, and there would be too much emphasis on flirtation and physical things, which tend to make me cautious. I prefer a man who opens up about himself, who doesn't place any focus on sexual/sensual interaction until a relationship is already established.


Well he does open up but you prompt the questions, he doesn’t just answer out of the blue from an open ended one such as “so tell me about yourself”. He flirts with no regard to physical qualities but personality with charismatic overtones to be genuine and thoughtful. Not oh your hair is pretty.

Generally speaking if the girl doesn’t procure any questions about you then they aren’t even worth the time for not being interested.


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## snail (Oct 13, 2008)

Thomas D M Thompson said:


> Well he does open up but you prompt the questions, he doesn’t just answer out of the blue from an open ended one such as “so tell me about yourself”. He flirts with no regard to physical qualities but personality with charismatic overtones to be genuine and thoughtful. Not oh your hair is pretty.
> 
> Generally speaking if the girl doesn’t procure any questions about you then they aren’t even worth the time for not being interested.


Or maybe the girl just doesn't want to be invasive. I prefer letting the other person volunteer information about himself freely, and I tend to do the same, without being asked. In fact, I feel uncomfortable when the other person starts interrogating me, and expects me to interrogate him in return. It feels forced. A good conversation will flow however it naturally flows, without a lot of questions.

Flirting has its place, but not until someone has already established sufficient intimacy for it to seem sincere. I would still prefer the first of your two examples.


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## Thomas D M Thompson (Sep 14, 2011)

Loki Grim said:


> Well there is a current one, This girl acts like she dose like me keeps saying that I'm pretty much the only person that she talks to sends me text messages from eight in the morning until she falls asleep. This one lied in advance tho saying that she was not ready to be in a relationship, She keeps talking about sex but says that she is waiting for that because I roughly know her last boy friend from another friend and just doesn't want me to lose him as a friend _*sarcastic tear*_, When I convince her after a *hour* that the ex was not a friend then it turned into how she didn't want to hurt him because *I knew him*. She seems to show huge amounts of trust, Things that are just extremely personal. I don't want to give up on this one, It's really turning into a lot of fun. I know there are lies but with every thing new coming up it like a good algebra problem, I guess I'll just take the red pill on this and see where it takes me. And I know someone is going to quote the part about sex :tongue: this girl doesn't seem to be after that so much..


Let’s see where to start...

Being too available to a person makes them dependent on you for that one thing, a listening ear. I have been in a situation such as yours and when I finally spoke my mind on how I feel about our relationship and said either you are in it for me or none, then you let them contact you. They either at that point will call you back immediately begging to meet in person to discuss (in my case hooking up) or ask more questions as to why you feel this way and come to a consensus that she either is for you or him. Eventually if you continue on this path of being the helpless girls personal therapist it will be just that for life and she will go from douche bag to douche bag as an endless cycle and you will have to be the listening ear on each one of them. This is my anecdotal evidence, take it how you please.

Also attract bees with honey. Condoning that her ex is a monster is like offering someone garbage to sniff and just constantly throw it in their face even if your intentions may be for the better to make a point that yes, garbage does stink.


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## Thomas D M Thompson (Sep 14, 2011)

snail said:


> Or maybe the girl just doesn't want to be invasive. I prefer letting the other person volunteer information about himself freely, and I tend to do the same, without being asked. In fact, I feel uncomfortable when the other person starts interrogating me, and expects me to interrogate him in return. It feels forced. A good conversation will flow however it naturally flows, without a lot of questions.


or with a lot of questions between the two with answers that prompt more information about the person. There is no right answer but the ones that try to define a relationship before one even exists (meaning kissing or signs of affection) is doomed to failure.


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## Thomas D M Thompson (Sep 14, 2011)

In fact, my question to the OP. Did any of them show signs of affection? (touching, kissing, smilling, hugging etc.)


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## bionic (Mar 29, 2010)

I said this to a guy I was interested in recently. He drunk texted me in the middle of the night.... and well.... yeah I had to end that one. The truth is, I'm not going to date an alcoholic. So I figured saying "I'm not ready to be in a relationship right now" was a better way to end it than saying to him "You're a drunk, you need help."


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## Thomas D M Thompson (Sep 14, 2011)

bionic said:


> I said this to a guy I was interested in recently. He drunk texted me in the middle of the night.... and well.... yeah I had to end that one. The truth is, I'm not going to date an alcoholic. So I figured saying "I'm not ready to be in a relationship right now" was a better way to end it than saying to him "You're a drunk, you need help."


Funny could of helped him with the latter saying, the former just enables him more.


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## bionic (Mar 29, 2010)

Thomas D M Thompson said:


> Funny could of helped him with the latter saying, the former just enables him more.


No... An alcoholic doesn't listen to what people are saying. You can't change someone like that. They need to hit rock bottom before they change themselves. Anything I say wouldn't mean a thing.


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## n2freedom (Jun 2, 2011)

Monkey King said:


> When I say it, I actually mean it.


 +1............


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## TheCrucible (Jul 23, 2011)

Before reading ht e rest of the posts, I'll say this. If a girl says that, run, don't walk, in the other direction! But then again I have a low tolerance for things like that..


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## siliconbuddha (Apr 29, 2011)

I had exactly the same response after spending the weekend with an INFP girl I met online. She was quite cold the whole weekend but kissed me on the second night then returned to being distant. A few days later I got a letter saying she wasn't ready. I understood it to be a polite way of turning me down, especially when I saw that she was back on dating sites.

However, she has continued to contact me virtually everyday (as opposed to me contacting her) We seem to get closer and closer and exchange gifts, tell each other how awesome we are, and she talks about how I'm the most romantic person she's ever met etc In her gifts she even includes lots of hearts cut out with messages written all over them and seems to be opening up even more as time goes on.

Recently she has told me she is a 'Highly Sensitive Person' which basically means it takes a looooong time for them to trust and weigh up prospective partners. They are also frightened of rejection once their partners finds how 'difficult' they are to live with.

HSP in Love

Hopefully a bit of depth to the possibility that girls can REALLY be honest when they say they're not ready...personally I REALLY hope this is true of the girl in my case (and yes I would be more than happy to accept her perceived 'issues')


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## Ahiko (Dec 20, 2011)

Sometimes I'm not sure if I should tell my story because it might give guys false hope. 

My ExTJ boyfriend actually tried a few times with me and I rejected him 3 times total. It wasn't until around a year since we met that we started dating and have been in a relationship for almost a year since.

I kept dropping hints to him saying that I liked him, but whenever he tried to make a move, I would tell him I wasn't ready for a relationship. I was actually getting over an ex, which took me almost 2 years to get over. It also took a lot of partying (ENFP self-esteem boost by meeting new people and enjoying the thrill of making them smile) and soul searching to figure out where I stood with relationships.

It was a lot of on and off conversations and hang outs. I'd run into him at random parties and hang out at his house with all his guy friends every now and then. He was always a good friend to me, and come New Years 2011 when we hadn't seen each other since Halloween, I finally gave in to our uncontrollable smiles and good chemistry and decided to give him a chance.

It was worth it because I was finally ready for a relationship. Any time before that, I would've just run away. It was better to reject him and wait it out.


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## strawberryLola (Sep 19, 2010)

siliconbuddha said:


> I had exactly the same response after spending the weekend with an INFP girl I met online. She was quite cold the whole weekend but kissed me on the second night then returned to being distant. A few days later I got a letter saying she wasn't ready. I understood it to be a polite way of turning me down, especially when I saw that she was back on dating sites.
> 
> However, she has continued to contact me virtually everyday (as opposed to me contacting her) We seem to get closer and closer and exchange gifts, tell each other how awesome we are, and she talks about how I'm the most romantic person she's ever met etc In her gifts she even includes lots of hearts cut out with messages written all over them and seems to be opening up even more as time goes on.
> 
> ...


Yes- it's so situational. If she kissed you, that's a sign. Some people are much slower to warm up. If she feels you are supportive, genuine, and really care for her, you are building that trust that will help her to open up. It's not easy when someone has been hurt in the past, and they don't mean to carry out their baggage on you.

Kuddos for sticking in there. Your optimism seems to be your most helpful guide, and only you can find out the truth no matter what anybody says. Looks good so far!


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## Zster (Mar 7, 2011)

I don't spend my time seeking a new relationship - it seems like a waste of the time given. So, when I say I am not seeking a relationship right now, it is invariably true. It gets interesting when anyone makes me rethink that.


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## Peter (Feb 27, 2010)

Nikolai said:


> I've been through this several times. "I'm not ready for a relationship," she would say with that sweet, caring voice. Anyways, the best thing to do is bounce back and keep trying. *There are now 3.5 Billion girls on the planet, don't get hung up on five.*


LOL

Sorry, but that's just the funniest thing I have read. 3.5 billion "girls",... ranging from 0 years of age all the way to 120 or so years of age. You keep your options VERY open,.. :laughing:.


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## paper lilies (Dec 6, 2011)

I have recently said this to a man who wanted a relationship from me.
I say _from me_ because I'm not ready. _With me_ is a different story.
I really didn't want to hurt his feelings but I battle that with the truth.
The reason why I said this is because I still have feelings for my ex-boyfriend. 
I don't want to lead a wonderful person on when I can't give them 100%. 
All in all, I wouldn't take that sentence at face value. 
There's always more to the story than that (and sometimes it's not as selfish as you'd think).


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## Peter (Feb 27, 2010)

Loki Grim said:


> I've asked five girls out in total and the response for that has been that every time pretty much word for word, Then from any where to a few hours to a few weeks they are dating another guy. I've thought about this and came up with three possible reasons why girls say this.
> 
> 1. It's a nice way of saying no.
> 
> ...


Maybe you should first try to figure out if someone is interested too and then ask. (in stead of trying to figure that out at a date.)


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## busyCHilD (Sep 1, 2011)

Set some boundaries early on, that way when things get heavy, you'll both have some idea where you stand. I've had 3 girls in a row say the same thing, and it was because I'm terrible at knowing where her boundaries are. Whether I was pressing too hard or not hard enough, we couldn't ever reach a similar wavelength.

Try and take control of the situation before it turns south, she might just be thinking you don't like her as much as she likes you. Of course there are actually girls out there that aren't ready for a relationship, and it's pretty unrealistic to just expect them to avoid forming the precursors to a relationship with you.


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## Nikolai (Jul 20, 2011)

Peter said:


> LOL
> 
> Sorry, but that's just the funniest thing I have read. 3.5 billion "girls",... ranging from 0 years of age all the way to 120 or so years of age. You keep your options VERY open,.. :laughing:.


Hey, you think of it as you want


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## siliconbuddha (Apr 29, 2011)

Peter said:


> LOL
> 
> Sorry, but that's just the funniest thing I have read. 3.5 billion "girls",... ranging from 0 years of age all the way to 120 or so years of age. You keep your options VERY open,.. :laughing:.



I think you're being a little pedantic. The point he was making were simply there are 'plenty of fish in the sea' The exact figure isn't really relevant. however, I read an article recently about your options for potential partners reduces the more self aware you become. The less you know about the world or yourself the less you question your own needs. This is true of myself! I sometimes wish I was stupid and more easily pleased


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## Peter (Feb 27, 2010)

siliconbuddha said:


> I think you're being a little pedantic. The point he was making were simply there are 'plenty of fish in the sea' The exact figure isn't really relevant. however, I read an article recently about your options for potential partners reduces the more self aware you become. The less you know about the world or yourself the less you question your own needs. This is true of myself! I sometimes wish I was stupid and more easily pleased


Obviously I was just making a joke. And you´re right. The more self aware you are, the more critical you are as well. Ignorance can be a blessing. But I still prefer to not be ignorant. (otherwise I'd be like a dog, wanting to jump everything that's looks female.) Having high standards is also a blessing.


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## Thomas D M Thompson (Sep 14, 2011)

It's funny how I see a woman on a regular basis, even sexually, and she still tells me she's not ready for a relationship, that her career is a thing to concentrate on. Yet we live in one on a daily basis to everyone else that knows us. Meh.


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## error (Feb 10, 2011)

I can hardly even bring myself to ask a girl out... I must not be ready for a relationship.


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## redhotchips (Nov 9, 2011)

Okay, a new twist...

What if she says this AFTER you have already been going out with her for 3 years?
Also, the chemistry and attraction is still there, there's been proof and evidence that both are willing to work and resolve issues, and grow etc.

But it seems like she's tired of the work, doubts that the "work" is worth the reward, and also this was her first relationship and she just seems to want to test other "grasses", even though she knows she has a pretty good (but not great?) deal in hand. Also, she would feel "bound" to marry, considering its already been 3 years, but shes in no rush to marry.

gulp...


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## Thomas D M Thompson (Sep 14, 2011)

redhotchips said:


> Okay, a new twist...
> 
> What if she says this AFTER you have already been going out with her for 3 years?
> Also, the chemistry and attraction is still there, there's been proof and evidence that both are willing to work and resolve issues, and grow etc.
> ...


Her pussy is thinking for her and her brain is shut off. Happens to both men and women. Bounds to bet the first dude that she comes across will change her mind to stick around. Also there is no reward or bounty or a rainbow with a pot of gold in a relationship. If you need someone to complete you, then it's time to look inward as to why that is.


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## Pete The Lich (May 16, 2011)

TheCrucible said:


> Before reading ht e rest of the posts, I'll say this. If a girl says that, run, don't walk, in the other direction! But then again I have a low tolerance for things like that..


i agree with this unless i really like the girl im not going to stick around trying win her over 
as mentioned before there are 3.5 billion girls on the planet more than likely one will be more accepting
i like to think "if youre not going to try im not going to try"


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## Olena (Jan 2, 2011)

redhotchips said:


> Okay, a new twist...
> 
> What if she says this AFTER you have already been going out with her for 3 years?
> Also, the chemistry and attraction is still there, there's been proof and evidence that both are willing to work and resolve issues, and grow etc.
> ...


I read somewhere that women are always on the look out for something better. I believe it's not just women though. If you're genuinely happy in your relationship, you'll be finding ways to help your relationship grow, not looking for other opportunities. 
If you truly love someone, you'll say 'Fuck it, let's make this work.'
Staying with someone until something better comes along is unfair to the other person. You're wasting their time and depriving them of the chance to find someone who truly loves them.

I always see people treating relationships like they are chores or jobs and they don't enjoy it. You should be in it because it makes you happy and you want the other person.

As for the topic at hand...has anyone seen the movie 'Frankie and Johnny'? I remember scenes where he keeps trying to convince her they'd be good together. I thought it was cute. 

I always avoid people when I think they're romantically interested in me so I don't have to deal with the awkward rejection phase.


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## Jennywocky (Aug 7, 2009)

paper lilies said:


> I have recently said this to a man who wanted a relationship from me.
> I say _from me_ because I'm not ready. _With me_ is a different story.
> I really didn't want to hurt his feelings but I battle that with the truth.
> The reason why I said this is because I still have feelings for my ex-boyfriend.
> ...


Yes, there are many reasons. Thanks for describing one of the overlooked scenarios. I think age also factors into it; for example, a young woman without much relational experience yet might really think she's not ready and say no to one guy, than fall for someone shortly after and feel like she is. The more experience one has with relationships and the whole "falling in love" thing, the more one can properly assess what her real motivations are. 

However, I do think typically the excuse gets used to avoid having to outright reject someone who a woman doesn't want to hurt; but then again, if she's going to date someone within a few weeks, then it seems like it was about avoiding her discomfort than protecting him from pain. it's not like most women seem to enjoy rejecting guys; 

The likely scenario is that he seems like a nice guy and might even be a friend, but there is no romantic interest, his pursuit was unexpected, and now she is somehow in control of his feelings + at risk of losing a friend and/or creating an enemy if she doesn't avoid crushing his ego somehow. At least, that's how it feels.



Olena said:


> I read somewhere that women are always on the look out for something better. I believe it's not just women though. If you're genuinely happy in your relationship, you'll be finding ways to help your relationship grow, not looking for other opportunities.
> 
> If you truly love someone, you'll say 'Fuck it, let's make this work.'
> Staying with someone until something better comes along is unfair to the other person. You're wasting their time and depriving them of the chance to find someone who truly loves them.


I agree with that. If you are with someone, it makes sense to be totally with them and committed to making it work; otherwise, you should end it. 

(I believe this so much that I did it once; I really did like and love the person but not necessarily in the romantic context, and I knew that if someone else came along who did interest me romantically, I would not be able to stay in the relationship, so I ended it. I ended up losing the friendship as well because of that, because it was too much for him to stay friends, which just sucked badly; but I wasn't going to use him like that when he could be pursuing someone who could return his level of commitment.)




> I always see people treating relationships like they are chores or jobs and they don't enjoy it. You should be in it because it makes you happy and you want the other person.


Well, sometimes it's more complex. Sometimes people have to factor in kids; or they have religious values that restrict their ability to split up; or the national economy is in such a state that they can't even afford to move out. But idealistically, I have learned that life is too short to treat something that should be special as merely a chore, and meanwhile you get mired in something that will contrain your options and maybe prevent you from pursuing what could be a real, vibrant love. Relationships have their up's and down's, but I want to be with someone who I find it a joy to wake up next to in the morning, even if the relationship has rough spots -- someone I want to work through the rough spots with beacuse at core I'm still happy.



> I always avoid people when I think they're romantically interested in me so I don't have to deal with the awkward rejection phase.


It's definitely awkward. I don't like it either. The last time I responded to someone who pursued me endlessly (I finally gave him a shot, even though I was not feeling like it would work out), after meeting he decided we weren't compatible and broke contact first! Lol. Wow, what audacity.  Anyway, i need to trust my instincts more.


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## emerald sea (Jun 4, 2011)

if i said that, it would be because i meant it. there is no one definition for that phrase. its meaning is different, depending on the girl and the situation. some girls use it as a nice way to say no; some girls really mean it. like another poster said, it would be a good idea to read body language signals...that way you can tell what it really means, in each case. 

i'd caution anyone against believing typical dating articles about body language - so much of the "information" out there is false, or only true in some cases. but Joe Navarro was an FBI agent and his job absolutely _required_ an accurate reading of body language. he is considered one of the foremost experts on the topic, and has written some excellent books that would be helpful to anyone trying to learn to read body language signals.


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## Jennywocky (Aug 7, 2009)

seastallion said:


> i'd caution anyone against believing typical dating articles about body language - so much of the "information" out there is false, or only true in some cases. but Joe Navarro was an FBI agent and his job absolutely _required_ an accurate reading of body language. he is considered one of the foremost experts on the topic, and has written some excellent books that would be helpful to anyone trying to learn to read body language signals.


I have a book called "The Truth About Lying" by Stan Walters that was pretty decent, but you're totally right -- a lot of the conventional wisdom you'll read on the 'net about how to recognize lies and what body language means is very inaccurate. One problem is that those interpretations are non-contextual; language however is very contextual. What someone means by what they say or do has to have context taken into account, as well as an understanding of the individual in question (what is normal/abnormal for them, etc.)


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## emerald sea (Jun 4, 2011)

Jennywocky said:


> I have a book called "The Truth About Lying" by Stan Walters that was pretty decent, but you're totally right -- a lot of the conventional wisdom you'll read on the 'net about how to recognize lies and what body language means is very inaccurate. One problem is that those interpretations are non-contextual; language however is very contextual. What someone means by what they say or do has to have context taken into account, as well as an understanding of the individual in question (what is normal/abnormal for them, etc.)


i so agree with you!!  the context is _everything_. body language should not be viewed in isolation - one should look for clusters of signals. body language alone means little if you don't pay attention to where you are and who is around and what just happened (as well as what has happened recently in your own interaction with that person) to determine how to read those clusters of signals. and, like you said, you can't read anyone accurately if you don't observe that person's behavior in general, as well as how they act towards others and not just towards you. 

one commonly believed misconception about body language is that lack of eye contact indicates deception. Navarro points out that liars typically make _more_ (rather than less) eye contact while lying, in order to win the trust of their audience (because they are aware that people think you are lying if you don't make eye contact).


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## Jennywocky (Aug 7, 2009)

seastallion said:


> one commonly believed misconception about body language is that lack of eye contact indicates deception. Navarro points out that liars typically make _more_ (rather than less) eye contact while lying, in order to win the trust of their audience (because they are aware that people think you are lying if you don't make eye contact).


Exactly. Some people will make more eye contact (and an intense amount) to win over the other person; others do avoid eye contact because they feel anxiety. The baseline has to be known -- the person's normal behavior -- and then their behavior under questioning can be compared to it. It's still not foolproof, but it's one bit of evidence to help weigh the validity of what is being said and the interpretation one is trying to ascribe to it.

Note that even with the lie detector machine, they do a baseline first, with "neutral answers." They need to know the person's "natural" response, so then they can judge if a later answer triggers something abnormal for the person in question.


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## Impavida (Dec 29, 2011)

redhotchips said:


> Okay, a new twist...
> 
> What if she says this AFTER you have already been going out with her for 3 years?
> Also, the chemistry and attraction is still there, there's been proof and evidence that both are willing to work and resolve issues, and grow etc.
> ...


Believe it or not, there are plenty of women who never want to get married. Ever. The line about her feeling "bound" to marry makes me think she might be one of these. Many people don't realize that they have a choice when it comes to marriage and kids. They blindly follow the LifeScript just because that's what is expected, without ever stopping to ask themselves if it's what they truly want.

It sounds like she was feeling the pressure of expectation (not necessarily from you) and that's what scared her off. It wasn't necessarily that she wanted to sow her oats, as she just didn't want to be "trapped" at a young age. Either way, she's the one with the issue, not you. It's just unfortunate that your relationship fell victim to her insecurities.


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## redhotchips (Nov 9, 2011)

jayde said:


> Believe it or not, there are plenty of women who never want to get married. Ever. The line about her feeling "bound" to marry makes me think she might be one of these. Many people don't realize that they have a choice when it comes to marriage and kids. They blindly follow the LifeScript just because that's what is expected, without ever stopping to ask themselves if it's what they truly want.
> 
> It sounds like she was feeling the pressure of expectation (not necessarily from you) and that's what scared her off. *It wasn't necessarily that she wanted to sow her oats, as she just didn't want to be "trapped" at a young age.* Either way, she's the one with the issue, not you. It's just unfortunate that your relationship fell victim to her insecurities.


Thanks for your reply @jayde. The bolded seems to resonate with me, although I won't ever truly know what's going on in her mind. Thanks for the balanced words, not too fluffy hopeful, but also not fatalistic and simplistic.


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## Impavida (Dec 29, 2011)

redhotchips said:


> Thanks for your reply @_jayde_ . The bolded seems to resonate with me, although I won't ever truly know what's going on in her mind. Thanks for the balanced words, not too fluffy hopeful, but also not fatalistic and simplistic.


You're very welcome. 

Give it time. Breakups are never easy, no matter the circumstances. There will be ups and downs, but you will eventually get through it, and come out stronger and wiser.


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## Michael Nihil (Sep 21, 2012)

Loki Grim said:


> I've asked five girls out in total and the response for that has been that every time pretty much word for word, Then from any where to a few hours to a few weeks they are dating another guy. I've thought about this and came up with three possible reasons why girls say this.
> 
> 1. It's a nice way of saying no.
> 
> ...


I've copped the same bullshit before, mate. It really pisses me off because the girl thinks she's being innocuous when in fact she's entirely conspicuous in shutting you down. It's just, in essence, another euphemistic way of them saying 'I'm too good for you, so no.' If you can per-emptively discern that a girl has this sort of character, just avoid her. I would rather associate with a girl that would straight out tell me 'No, thanks, (insert legitimate reason or simple not interested here.)


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## Thalassa (Jun 10, 2010)

It really can mean they aren't looking for a relationship if they're only DTF ... I mean someone who screws you repeatedly who says they aren't ready for a relationship probably means exactly what they're saying. "I find you attractive, like having sex with you, and even enjoy your company at times otherwise, but the idea of being committed to one person makes me want to start screaming and never stop."

Yes, sometimes people are telling the truth.

Other times it's vexing, especially when it seems that you already ARE having a relationship with that person, and have been for six months, a year, or more...then it's like WTH is wrong with you. Is it you, is it me, am I just not what you had in mind so you're pissed off you're in love with me, what.

Then, yes, there are those strangers and acquaintances who say that shit as a nice way of saying "I don't find you attractive." In that case, they're only half lying. They don't want a relationship...with you.


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## Thalassa (Jun 10, 2010)

Thomas D M Thompson said:


> It's funny how I see a woman on a regular basis, even sexually, and she still tells me she's not ready for a relationship, that her career is a thing to concentrate on. Yet we live in one on a daily basis to everyone else that knows us. Meh.


This shit absolutely blows. It also blows for someone to hog up your time all day long and whine when you aren't around to say they don't want a relationship. It's like really, then what are we doing here, am I baby-sitting you, am I the lowest paid hooker in history, I mean couldn't you at least pay me for my time if you need my attention in various forms 6-10 hours per day.


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## Rachel Something (Jan 30, 2012)

It means she's just not that into you. It might sound a bit tired and played-out, but that's all you really need to know. Figuring out her "real reason" is not going to make much of a difference, so why concern yourself so much with that? It just seems like such a waste of energy. If she doesn't want you, she doesn't want you. You can't really avoid those kinds of situations either.

And why does it have to be a lie/cover up? Maybe she really doesn't feel like she's ready for a relationship? *shrug* Relationships take effort, and not everybody is willing and able to put in the work required to maintain them.

Even if she ends up with another guy a few weeks later... maybe someone came along who made her feel different, and she decided to give it a shot? The chances of that being the case may not be high, but hey you never know. *shrug* Something similar happened to me. Three years ago, a guy expressed interest in a relationship with me and I told him that I wasn't interested in anything serious like that. I wasn't lying - at the time, that was how I felt. Anyway, I ended up meeting somebody a couple of weeks later, and I guess we must have hit it off really well because we soon ended up getting together (despite the fact that BOTH of us had expressed to each other that we weren't looking for a relationship.) Lol. Funny how things turn out sometimes...

Edit: I just realized how old this thread was. Oh well...


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## strawberryLola (Sep 19, 2010)

When I said it, and I'll admit, I lied. I lied because I was afraid. I lied because, a part of me felt as though I was not good enough. Or at least I was being honest that I wasn't ready, but at the same time, was too scared to be vulnerable even though my heart said yes.

So I rejected before I could get hurt. It's a defense mechanism for some. Without knowing much about a person and their past history, and the current situations in their lives, it's easy to assume when a person says this they mean it.

I agree with Lily as to not take it at face value. I wasn't trying to play games, and sincerely wanted those people to have a better life, because somehow inside, I felt I was still a wreck and needed to get my life in order. Sometimes when you really do love someone, with the best of intentions, you set them free because you don't want that person to suffer the torment you feel inside.


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## android654 (Jan 19, 2010)

To be fair, there are a lot of people who don't want relationships and sometimes your timing is just off and catch people when they don't want something serious.


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## Shinji Mimura (Aug 1, 2012)

Here's my outlook, as somebody who literally is not ready for anything _serious at this precise moment_:

More often than not, it's probably just said as a peaceful way to reject you.

You listed an example about a girl telling you that, only to have a boyfriend a week later. Like I said, rejection.

However, it's always possible that she legitimately wasn't ready, but had already been bonding with that guy on the side, also unready for a relationship with him. In this instance, it's likely that she and the guy, who had already been growing, finally blossomed into something more serious, and, realizing this, she figured she was finally ready to grow into that.

Because, really, that's kinda my case now. I'm not opposed to the possibility of a relationship, but I'm not going to just jump into one, not without a long period of dating. Therefore, if I ever meet any girl interested, I'd probably preface it by saying "Let's date, but feel free to see other guys, because nothing may become of this (if you want)." That said, if I started dating Girl A, met girl B, told her I wasn't ready for a relationship (as I'd told girl A), then Girl A and I really start getting close, I'd probably reassess my situation and see if, perhaps, I am ready for something serious, much to Girl B's dismay.

Bad timing, truly.


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## petite libellule (Jul 4, 2012)

even if they are saying it to be nice about rejecting you, why would you want to date someone who doesn't want to date you? I know feelings sometimes speak otherwise, but I hope people consider that sentiment seriously. 

Also, don't assume it's rejection, it may very well be the truth - which is more times than not as far as I'm concerned. I think more people are into the casual no commitment relationship than the serious relationship - or at least that's what I gather from the limited exposure I have in person and people's opinions here. In which case I agree with Android. And that it's okay. As frustrating as it is ... timing is everything. (well mostly anyways )


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## dagnytaggart (Jun 6, 2010)

Don't bother with them. Doesn't matter what the reason, they just aren't interested. Save your energy for those who want to reciprocate.



twoofthree said:


> It's a nice way of saying 'no'.
> When I used it, it was because I didn't want more than a friendship with that person.
> 
> 3.5 billion girls?!
> ...


Lol. Still more than five.


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## goodgracesbadinfluence (Feb 28, 2011)

I'm legit when I say it. Not all girls are lying when they say it. I personally didn't know girls even used this line.


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## gurlygurl (Aug 19, 2011)

I only do this to guys that seriously creep me out and are in a position that I'm scared of what they'll do if they get mad... so yeah, only said it once... to a guy who I work with and said after the first time we really talked:

"The first time I met you I prayed to God and asked Him that you would be the right one."

He's Muslim, I'm Christian.... simply wouldn't work.... I tried to explain this to him but for some reason Muslim men are attracted to me and they sure as hell don't give up easily. He bought me a pillow, I refused it twice... the third time I finally gave in and was like "but please don't take me taking this the wrong way. I don't want to ruin our friendship." 


He then started calling me "baby" or "babe" so I had to explain to him that we work together, we aren't dating and that's very unprofessional behavior.... he still likes me as far as I can tell, but at least he's stopped a few of the creepy stuff so I'm not as scared of him anymore. =P 

In other words, it could just be that you said something too fast, or too creepily, and the girl is scared of you so that's her nice way out.... who knows... I'm generally pretty honest with a guy though.


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## Kyandigaru (Mar 11, 2012)

or....

you might not be sexually appealing to them.

or....

they may like you, but not enough to date you.

or....

She's playing hard to get (too old for games).


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## firedell (Aug 5, 2009)

In my opinion, I'm never not ready for a relationship unless I'm still getting over someone, or I don't want a relationship with said person.


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## Penguin (Sep 25, 2012)

If you've asked 5 girls out and gotten this response every time you're doing it wrong. You're either 
A:Ugly as fawk
B:Wayyyy to nice
C:An expert friendzoner (I vote this one)
Dlaying out of your league, which is hard to do as a guy.


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## Chimerical (Feb 28, 2009)

Loki Grim said:


> I've asked five girls out in total and the response for that has been that every time pretty much word for word, Then from any where to a few hours to a few weeks they are dating another guy. I've thought about this and came up with three possible reasons why girls say this.
> 
> 1. It's a nice way of saying no.
> 
> ...


Been there
Sucks balls.
Mostly cause I feel like I'm being lied to and I hate being lied to. I wanna hear it straight.

Haven't heard it recently though.
But recently I kinda just hang out with a girl for a while and never actually ask them out. If shit gets sexual while we're hanging out it works out and I might bring it up after that [after we've made out a few time and consistently hang out of something of the like.'


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## DancingQuicksilver (Oct 7, 2012)

I am in a place like this right now in my life. I am not ready for a relationship. I am still getting over my ex; I compare every man I meet to him and I feel I need to be alone until I get to a place where I am in a neutral state. I need to get to a place where I meet each person as THAT person and not bits and pieces of my ex that I'm still searching for.
If the PERFECT man came along, and pursued me for a time, I might be inclined to date him.
But for me, when I say this, I mean it for what it is.


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## Porridgepudge (Sep 27, 2012)

The reason they do this is most likely because they aren't interested in you. Even if someone genuinely thinks they aren't ready for a relationship, if their dream girl/man comes up to them and asks them out, they probably aren't going to say no. 

Maybe they think you're ugly or stupid or a douche bag. Could be a number of things. Someone will like you, eventually.


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## Particulate (Sep 21, 2012)

Loki Grim said:


> I've asked five girls out in total and the response for that has been that every time pretty much word for word, Then from any where to a few hours to a few weeks they are dating another guy. I've thought about this and came up with three possible reasons why girls say this.
> 
> 1. It's a nice way of saying no.
> 
> ...


I've heard it before. Of course the last time my response was "Yeah but I just want to bang you on fridays" which actually worked.

Relationships are hard. For all kinds of reasons. You're committed to one person, you're expected to deal with them and their friends, they've got to meet your friends. It's really demanding. I hate conventional relationships.

But if a girl's not ready for a relationship then maybe ask her what she is ready for. Maybe just someone to hang out with... or someone to jump her once a week.


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