# How to stop negative self talk and openly putting yourself down



## JoetheBull (Apr 29, 2010)

I am sure some of you noticed I have a bad tendency to talk down on myself. Mostly at times for the sake of comedy(which I fail at). I know it's not really that healthy since only some of the negative things are 100% fact which legitimize me using humor to cope with my flaws. But I do think negatively at times/put myself down and I am sure that there are others on this forum. So any advice, ideas, or anything else that could me and others with this common problem.


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## pinkrasputin (Apr 13, 2009)

Well it's easier when you have a coach or some sort of support. Last year after my break up, I was depressed. I started seeing a therapist again to help get my mind back on straight. I had to promise the therapist that I would never say any negative self talk. She wouldn't entertain it for a minute. She also showed me how to concentrate on my smaller successes and smaller goals instead of letting my larger goals frustrate me. I had to learn to "think small" and honor my successes in the smaller things I did during my day. 

She told me "Our goals have a way of inspiring us, or they can frustrate us if we focus too big". So we had to back up a bit and start honoring small successes in my day that I tended to over look and think they were nothing.

I also had to read my daily affirmations out loud. I thought it was corny as heck but it really works. ONce you get into the habit of NEVER talking bad about yourself, you really lack the tolerance to deal with people who will talk bad. That is a good thing. It helped me to set boundaries. It became really obvious about who was unhealthy for me. I no longer saw myself as bad, so I lost any desire to be around people who saw me that way. They were obviously toxic.

However I did become angrier at the world. I started noticing many things. But that is good. Depression is anger turned inward. ONce my esteem lifted, I didn't want to take it out on myself so much. I could finally place the anger outside where it belonged. I could also use it to motivate me and make some necessary changes in my life. 

Start today, don't entertain a negative thought about yourself for one minute. Stop yourself anytime you do. Focus on the things you've accomplished today.


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## sprinkles (Feb 7, 2010)

Don't exaggerate, don't lie to yourself, and realize that you aren't required to maintain a specific opinion for everything. 

It's all basically a social game. Most 'flaws' are arbitrarily made up. You don't even have to bother having an opinion about them at all unless you find it necessary for social integration.


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## viva (Aug 13, 2010)

As someone who used to be very guilty of this, my logic has changed to "if I can't support myself and back myself up, how can I expect others to?" Having that attitude about yourself and putting yourself down leads others to have a more negative opinion of you that matches your own. But if you think and speak positively of yourself, others will generally do the same.


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## Black Rabbit (Apr 15, 2010)

Joe, I actually have noticed you do this quite a lot. In my very unprofessional opinion, depression can have different catalysts depending on each individual. After reading several over your posts, it does seem you need to boost your self confidence.

In my experience, self confidence is gained through venturing out and trying to accomplish tasks. Challenging yourself and stepping out of your comfort zone. After time you start to build a track record for yourself and begin learning about your own potential. Knowing what you're capable by putting yourself to the test is a rewarding experience. 

Whenever I challenged myself and stepped out of my comfort zone I always did it for something I was extremely passionate about. That fuels me and it'll keep me going. It does take a bit of courage to take that first step though. 

I'm not sure if that would help your self confidence since my advice is based on limited interaction with you. But hopefully it does.


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## Skum (Jun 27, 2010)

pinkrasputin said:


> Well it's easier when you have a coach or some sort of support. Last year after my break up, I was depressed. I started seeing a therapist again to help get my mind back on straight. I had to promise the therapist that I would never say any negative self talk. She wouldn't entertain it for a minute. She also showed me how to concentrate on my smaller successes and smaller goals instead of letting my larger goals frustrate me. I had to learn to "think small" and honor my successes in the smaller things I did during my day.
> 
> She told me "Our goals have a way of inspiring us, or they can frustrate us if we focus too big". So we had to back up a bit and start honoring small successes in my day that I tended to over look and think they were nothing.
> 
> ...


Wow, this was immensely helpful. I wish I could somehow get this through to the person I love


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## geGamedev (Nov 26, 2009)

pinkrasputin said:


> Well it's easier when you have a coach or some sort of support. Last year after my break up, I was depressed. I started seeing a therapist again to help get my mind back on straight. I had to promise the therapist that I would never say any negative self talk. She wouldn't entertain it for a minute. She also showed me how to concentrate on my smaller successes and smaller goals instead of letting my larger goals frustrate me. I had to learn to "think small" and honor my successes in the smaller things I did during my day.
> 
> She told me *"Our goals have a way of inspiring us, or they can frustrate us if we focus too big"*. So we had to back up a bit and start honoring small successes in my day that I tended to over look and think they were nothing.
> 
> ...


Breaking down large goals into more manageable pieces is the best advice, imo. When you compare your current progress to a massive goal, it's next to impossible to see yourself in a good light, especially if that goal isn't realistic to begin with. Daily affirmations is fairly new to me. I've seen it suggested online before but, as you said, it's very corny so it never caught on. Recently I have been doing some retrospection, affirmations were a built in part of that. They don't have to be corny, that's just how the suggested affirmations tend to come across. Create your own based on real accomplishments, values, and anything else that will give you a better, more accurate, view of yourself.

Maybe someone complimented you on something that you didn't fully agree with. Look at those situations more closely. Throw away unrealistic expectations and consider the situation from a more rational standpoint. Odds are the compliments were warranted and shouldn't have been dismissed or reduced. This is one of those situations where it may be healthy to detach a bit. View the situation from a 3rd person vantage point. If you were someone else, without whatever idealistic expectations you have, would you compliment yourself?


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## jbking (Jun 4, 2010)

*What has worked for me...*

The book "Mind Over Mood" has an exercise that has been quite useful in getting me to be more flexible and see other options that I didn't used to be this way before. Before I would just push on with whatever I thought was right and not stop and look at which options lay before me.

Support groups are another idea as I found mine through Meetup and doing a little Googling that has also helped me a great deal. These are peer-led groups where part of the idea is to share strategies and ideas as well as find someone else to tell about your victories and challenges between meetings.

I wouldn't say that I'm fixed but I am better than I used to be. Another thought is to make sure that you are physically checked out as there can be other things that could make things like depression worse if not caught. I had low testosterone, diabetes, and mild sleep apnea that also were things to get help so that I may help other parts of me that may be connected in ways I don't really totally get.


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## Crystall (Mar 30, 2010)

Learn how to love yourself.
Be grateful for the things you have and the world around you. 
Stop scaring yourself, and accept that whatever happens, you are safe.

Once you start realizing how much you have to be grateful for you really become humble to the world.


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## geGamedev (Nov 26, 2009)

Crystall said:


> Learn how to love yourself.
> Be grateful for the things you have and the world around you.
> Stop scaring yourself, and accept that whatever happens, you are safe.
> 
> ...


Thanks for sharing that video! She's so right, we need to learn from babies. They are the only people that haven't been tainted by the world around them.


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