# How To Respond to Workplace Nepotism or Favoritism ?



## OrchidSugar (5 mo ago)

I have been in an interview process for a month and half with a company that looked interesting. I think it was one of those situations where they already knew who they were going to hire, but they had to go through the process of interviewing to keep up appearances. What is the best way to handle this situation? 

Just stay professional and thank them for their time (even though they wasted mine)? Or find a way to professionally tell them to kiss my ass? I know this sounds a little bit funny, but I'm just wondering because I'm inexperienced.


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## chad86tsi (Dec 27, 2016)

Will that "kiss my ass" truly provide you a benefit? Sometimes it does. If not, just quickly move on. It's unlikely they will "learn a lesson" from you, so the only benefit I can see is getting closure for yourself. I've found being nice/professional doesn't hurt, even when the other person doesn't deserve it. If well delivered while saying "no thanks", it can be a "kiss my ass" all in itself.

If you can't stomach being nice/professional on principal, just ghost them.


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## UpClosePersonal (Apr 18, 2014)

*Always, always, always *be nice and professional. It will someday work in your favor. later when somethng opens up, somebody remembers you for your professionalism and may give you a call.


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## OrchidSugar (5 mo ago)

UpClosePersonal said:


> *Always, always, always *be nice and professional. It will someday work in your favor. later when somethng opens up, somebody remembers you for your professionalism and may give you a call.


But would I want to work for people like that?


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## OrchidSugar (5 mo ago)

chad86tsi said:


> Will that "kiss my ass" truly provide you a benefit? Sometimes it does. If not, just quickly move on. It's unlikely they will "learn a lesson" from you, so the only benefit I can see is getting closure for yourself. I've found being nice/professional doesn't hurt, even when the other person doesn't deserve it. If well delivered while saying "no thanks", it can be a "kiss my ass" all in itself.
> 
> If you can't stomach being nice/professional on principal, just ghost them.


OK I do understand this advice. I need to think about it some more. Sometimes I feel lighter after I tell people off.


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## chad86tsi (Dec 27, 2016)

OrchidSugar said:


> But would I want to work for people like that?


Sometimes it is a 3rd party non-decision maker that watched went down and had empathy for your situation that you are watching out for. Those people sometimes become the future decision makers. You can never fully know how many people are watching how you handle yourself in life, and not stooping to a low level when mistreated is a character trait that people tend to remember.


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## UpClosePersonal (Apr 18, 2014)

OrchidSugar said:


> But would I want to work for people like that?


It's your reputation that you're looking out for. You can always decide later if a job offer and the people are worth it to you.


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## recycled_lube_oil (Sep 30, 2021)

A few things from my own perspective and experiences:

Is this the only company you are interviewing with and if so, why?

Interviewing itself is a skill that needs to be developed, think of this as practice?

Sure they may know who they want to hire, but things change.

What will telling them to "kiss your ass" accomplish? I mean from my own perspective, if I were running interviews, I would rather you did. If a role appeared in the future came up, well no matter how suited you were, I would know you would not be a good fit professionally. And yes, before you ask, I have ran interviews before. Just getting past the CV stage and getting to an interview is actually an achievement. Interview take time, time that could be spent doing work, so reducing a pile of CVs is also a skill.

I don't know what field you are going into and/or what domain. But over here in the UK, the IT field is quite small. There is always someone who knows someone, so you telling someone to "kiss your ass", would probably get back to another manager. Or maybe the manager will move on to another company in the future, that you later apply for. 

Anyway, your career, your choice.


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## OrchidSugar (5 mo ago)

chad86tsi said:


> Sometimes it is a 3rd party non-decision maker that watched went down and had empathy for your situation that you are watching out for. Those people sometimes become the future decision makers. You can never fully know how many people are watching how you handle yourself in life, and not stooping to a low level when mistreated is a character trait that people tend to remember.


I know I have heard this before. It's hard for me to know what to do. On the one hand, professionalism is best. But on the other hand, why are we rewarding traits of being able to take mistreatment and not standing up for one's self? I'm very conflicted because it seems like then I am reinforcing a behavioral pattern of always acting like Mother Teresa while being subjected to mistreatment. That's why I stay on the fence and never know what to do.



UpClosePersonal said:


> It's your reputation that you're looking out for. You can always decide later if a job offer and the people are worth it to you.


I worry about developing a reputation as the employee who puts up with anything. That's not good either.



recycled_lube_oil said:


> A few things from my own perspective and experiences:
> 
> Is this the only company you are interviewing with and if so, why?
> 
> ...


I'm not going to tell them to kiss my ass per se. But I would give feedback. I really hesitate, because feedback is usually only given to people who care about improving. Companies wonder why they keep getting used by disloyal candidates who job-hop and don't stay for the long haul. I mean, look at how you treat other people's time and you have the answer to why people keep wasting your time. I appreciate transparency, so I (maybe mistakenly) believe that they will too. 

I also have given feedback to a hiring manager after what I learned in the interview actively conflicted with the job description. Within 15 minutes of talking I learned that the position they were hiring for was a catchall position for some unsuspecting young person straight out of college. Job listing said they would primarily be working on a specific program and reporting to one manager. Spoken conversation proved that they would be working on a variety of different programs and reporting to a variety of different managers. The job functions were all over the place so I tried to get a gage of how much time would be spend doing what. "Hmm...Everyday is different!" I'm like either these people don't know what they want or they do know what they want, but know they can't afford to pay for it, so they're looking for someone young and inexperienced to do the work of several people. There were several questions the hiring manager couldn't even answer.

I followed up with the hiring manager to withdraw my application and recommend they find someone with the skills that it sounded like they really needed. They said thank you for your feedback. I really appreciate it! I don't know if it was the feedback they were thankful for, or me taking myself out of the running. But it was a circus.

I've been interviewing since the late spring/ early summer. In most cases, I don't think they are playing games. Getting hired takes about 2-3 months for one corporate job, because that's just how slow they are. Most of the time I am willing to believe that I'm just not the best fit. But these days, candidates are also looking for the right fit and looking for professionalism. I don't want to keep hopping from job to job simply because companies prioritize acting skills and charisma over work ethic.


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## SouDesuNyan (Sep 8, 2015)

What's the point of offending anyone in general? I don't see any advantage to it.


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## recycled_lube_oil (Sep 30, 2021)

OrchidSugar said:


> I worry about developing a reputation as the employee who puts up with anything. That's not good either.


How is being professional at an interview going to give that impression. Do you think interviewers are going to tell mangers that you would be an asset to the company because you are so unprofessional. Do you think being giving negative feedback will make a hiring manager think "Wow, that negative feedback and unprofessionalism, yes they would be great for talking to clients and will definitely be an asset when it comes to inter department affairs".



> I'm not going to tell them to kiss my ass per se. But I would give feedback. I really hesitate, because feedback is usually only given to people who care about improving. Companies wonder why they keep getting used by disloyal candidates who job-hop and don't stay for the long haul. I mean, look at how you treat other people's time and you have the answer to why people keep wasting your time. I appreciate transparency, so I (maybe mistakenly) believe that they will too.


Some people are just bitter at not getting a job. Luckily I have always worked at firms that have competent HR staff to deal with that kind of thing. 



> I also have given feedback to a hiring manager after what I learned in the interview actively conflicted with the job description. Within 15 minutes of talking I learned that the position they were hiring for was a catchall position for some unsuspecting young person straight out of college. Job listing said they would primarily be working on a specific program and reporting to one manager. Spoken conversation proved that they would be working on a variety of different programs and reporting to a variety of different managers. The job functions were all over the place so I tried to get a gage of how much time would be spend doing what. "Hmm...Everyday is different!" I'm like either these people don't know what they want or they do know what they want, but know they can't afford to pay for it, so they're looking for someone young and inexperienced to do the work of several people. There were several questions the hiring manager couldn't even answer.


This is normally dependent on the company. Small firms, yeah, they do expect employees to wear different hats on different days. Unless you are a big mega corporation, there i snot normally enough budget to recruit one person per role, however there is normally not that much demand for each role that it is possible for employees to wear different hats and have multiple responsibilities. I mean having multiple responsibilities to pad your CV with and get a taste of to see what suits you the most, yeah I guess thats a bad thing.

That said, it sounds like you are asking the correct questions in an interview and have a better attitude than "Just give me the job, all I want is a paycheck". 



> I followed up with the hiring manager to withdraw my application and recommend they find someone with the skills that it sounded like they really needed. They said thank you for your feedback. I really appreciate it! I don't know if it was the feedback they were thankful for, or me taking myself out of the running. But it was a circus.


There can be a multitude of factors. Crap HR team who write pointless job specs. Budget restraints, etc. For every 1 hour you spend in an interview, a company spends about 5 hours. So its generally in a companies best interests to have a decent job spec. But some jobs do exist, which cannot be clearly defined due to the variation of tasks which all depend on what happens in a day.



> I've been interviewing since the late spring/ early summer. In most cases, I don't think they are playing games. Getting hired takes about 2-3 months for one corporate job, because that's just how slow they are. Most of the time I am willing to believe that I'm just not the best fit. But these days, candidates are also looking for the right fit and looking for professionalism. I don't want to keep hopping from job to job simply because companies prioritize acting skills and charisma over work ethic.


Are you taking lessons from interviews. Reflecting on questions that get you stumped? Figuring out how to better answer a question, etc? From the numerous interview I have had over the course of the last 10 years, I generally know what types of questions I am going to be asked and generally know how I will answer them with experiences that will put me in the best possible light. As of the end of next year, I will be looking to change career, so it will be back to the drawing board (I am imagining my first couple of interviews at least, will not get me anywhere but will be good for learning how interviews are conducted in the area I want to move into).


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## OrchidSugar (5 mo ago)

SouDesuNyan said:


> What's the point of offending anyone in general? I don't see any advantage to it.


I am not as an enlightened human as I wish I were. Maybe one day!


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## Necrofantasia (Feb 26, 2014)

You don't. It's not a fight an individual worker can tackle.


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## chad86tsi (Dec 27, 2016)

OrchidSugar said:


> But on the other hand, why are we rewarding traits of being able to take mistreatment and not standing up for one's self? I'm very conflicted because it seems like then I am reinforcing a behavioral pattern of always acting like Mother Teresa while being subjected to mistreatment. That's why I stay on the fence and never know what to do.


This is where my comment "_It's unlikely they will learn a lesson_ from you", comes from.

If they have intentionally treated you this way, they don't care or respect you. You have no real power over their attitude. The only power you have to exercise is the power to further to harm yourself in the process.



> I worry about developing a reputation as the employee who puts up with anything. That's not good either.


Then you do care about your reputation. Being a person that tells others to "fuck off" is a reputation, but it's kind of a limiting reputation. In some fields of work, this is an asset. In most it is not. 




> I'm not going to tell them to kiss my ass per se. But I would give feedback. I really hesitate, because feedback is usually only given to people who care about improving.


Companies that string along candidates don't care. If they did, they wouldn't be doing this sort of thing.


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## recycled_lube_oil (Sep 30, 2021)

I also want to add. 

A lot of companies have to follow this due to equality and discrimination policies. If a firm knows who they want to have take a position, it would be great not to go through this whole song and dance. But HR being HR sometimes like to have policies in place where jobs are advertised externally. Or sometimes employees complain that there is no progression due to jobs only being advertised externally. 

So then managers instead of just bumping up someones role, have to spend hours looking through CVs, they then have to conduct interviews. They then have to write up the interview.

Also it is unknown who is out there. So there may be some genius superstar apply for a position. However it is an unknown.

But yeah, recruitment sucks. Both from employers perspective and potential employees perspective.

But I guess it keep HR in a job.


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## SouDesuNyan (Sep 8, 2015)

OrchidSugar said:


> I am not as an enlightened human as I wish I were. Maybe one day!


I wouldn't consider it being enlightened. I'm polite because I'm selfish, and don't want to deal with the mess from being rude. I give everyone five star reviews so that I don't have to deal with giving suggestions for improvements.


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## UpClosePersonal (Apr 18, 2014)

Maybe you'd do better applying to smaller companies where an individual's qualifications and effort weigh more heavily in their search for employees. Large corporations are for people who don't give any more of a shit than the corporation does. They do just enough to keep their jobs but don't really care much more than that. It takes a thick skin to stay there.
And the people there are people who put up with anything LOL


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## OrchidSugar (5 mo ago)

recycled_lube_oil said:


> How is being professional at an interview going to give that impression. Do you think interviewers are going to tell mangers that you would be an asset to the company because you are so unprofessional. Do you think being giving negative feedback will make a hiring manager think "Wow, that negative feedback and unprofessionalism, yes they would be great for talking to clients and will definitely be an asset when it comes to inter department affairs".


Even if I offered them a critique, I don't see how that's unprofessional. Sometimes you have to give and receive critiques in life. If me giving feedback on my experience as a candidate is unprofessional, then that is more of an ego thing. Similarly, I have appreciated jobs for giving me feedback when I wasn't hired. So I can know if it was my skills or something else that caused them not to hire me. I'm using colorful language here on the internet, but I'm not telling people "You're a mess and you're all over the place and you can kiss my ass."



recycled_lube_oil said:


> Are you taking lessons from interviews. Reflecting on questions that get you stumped? Figuring out how to better answer a question, etc? From the numerous interview I have had over the course of the last 10 years, I generally know what types of questions I am going to be asked and generally know how I will answer them with experiences that will put me in the best possible light. As of the end of next year, I will be looking to change career, so it will be back to the drawing board (I am imagining my first couple of interviews at least, will not get me anywhere but will be good for learning how interviews are conducted in the area I want to move into).


There have been two main takeaway lessons from my job search. 

1. I am underqualified for mid level, but overqualified for entry level. 
2. My personality is too something. They are worried I will get bored. I should become an actress because that's just how entertaining I am to these people.

The only question that stumps me is about setting budgets. I see that as a manager's work, but more and more job listings are asking for it at coordinator level. I have worked with invoices and keeping track of expenses, but I have not set the budget before. I have apprehension about this, and see it as a skill to be learned. I do not know whether companies are willing to let people develop skills on the job, or if they want you to be a 100% fit from the start.


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## Necrofantasia (Feb 26, 2014)

UpClosePersonal said:


> Maybe you'd do better applying to smaller companies where an individual's qualifications and effort weigh more heavily in their search for employees. Large corporations are for people who don't give any more of a shit than the corporation does. They do just enough to keep their jobs but don't really care much more than that. It takes a thick skin to stay there.
> And the people there are people who put up with anything LOL


 ^ This right here.


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## OrchidSugar (5 mo ago)

UpClosePersonal said:


> Maybe you'd do better applying to smaller companies where an individual's qualifications and effort weigh more heavily in their search for employees. Large corporations are for people who don't give any more of a shit than the corporation does. They do just enough to keep their jobs but don't really care much more than that. It takes a thick skin to stay there.
> And the people there are people who put up with anything LOL


My last job was my first time working in a large corporation. I think the smaller ones work with more respect and less BS on the job. Just my bias.


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## recycled_lube_oil (Sep 30, 2021)

OrchidSugar said:


> I have apprehension about this, and see it as a skill to be learned. I do not know whether companies are willing to let people develop skills on the job, or if they want you to be a 100% fit from the start.


Maybe ask what they expect of you during your probation period (no idea if you have those in the USA). Also, what your first week and month will look like. I find this generally gives a good indication as to if they provide any form of on the job training or just expect me to hit the ground running. Also, are you going in to replace someone who is no longer there or will there be a transition period? (I am hesitant on asking "What reasons led to you advertising for this role").

As far as your apprehension goes, do you believe this is something you would be able to do with a bit of exposure? I always like to add that I can easily pick up new processes/technology and also provide the most extreme examples I have.


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## OrchidSugar (5 mo ago)

recycled_lube_oil said:


> Maybe ask what they expect of you during your probation period (no idea if you have those in the USA). Also, what your first week and month will look like. I find this generally gives a good indication as to if they provide any form of on the job training or just expect me to hit the ground running. Also, are you going in to replace someone who is no longer there or will there be a transition period? (I am hesitant on asking "What reasons led to you advertising for this role").


Yes I always ask about what training looks like. Especially for the remote positions because it's like how do you make sure it goes smoothly? We do have probationary periods at some jobs in the US, where they're watching you carefully in the first 90 days to see if you're handling training well and fitting in, etc. But for the most part I don't think they are observed. I think companies have been burned by candidates job hopping after 3-5 months on the job, so they don't realize that the probationary period works both ways these days. The expectation is to take a few months hiring and narrowing down the best candidate and for that person to stay in the job for 3+ years. Preferably 5.




recycled_lube_oil said:


> As far as your apprehension goes, do you believe this is something you would be able to do with a bit of exposure? I always like to add that I can easily pick up new processes/technology and also provide the most extreme examples I have.


Yes I believe in developing skills through practice and exposure. I am quite adaptable and can pick up on whatever database they are using pretty quickly. And then I end up being competent enough to work autonomously within 2-3 weeks. The last time I was after an entry-level position that I thought matched my skillset and interests well, they asked me about setting budgets and if I had experience giving presentations to executives. I said that I had only did this once. I was nervous and talked too quickly, but I put together an excellent data-driven and story-driven presentation. "What can you do to improve your nerves?" they asked. "Exposure therapy," I said. "Just keep at it." I left the interview thinking I might make it to the top 3. But I got ghosted by those people and never heard from them again 😅😅😅


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## shameless (Apr 21, 2014)

I had a similar experience recently. It was with a side gig I was trying to get with Marketing/Outreach.

I basically got ping ponged around over the course of three months of five interviews. To be told that they had a higher up vacancy and were placing the position on hold.

It was frustrating because I really wanted that position as it was part time remote so I can easily make it work with my full time job. But more importantly I could have really used that position on resume. It would have opened up other doorways outside of management longer term for me. And even outside my industry.

It is frustrating being a ping pong ball just set on the sidelines while interviewing for positions. Especially with organizations that lead ya on. Can be depleting.

You do you.

I will say that I just decided to write them an email expressing my continued interest, stated I hope they keep me top of mind. Even if everything in me is super irritated they had me drive there 5 times for a part time position just to be so putzy and flakey/wishy washy. Id rather they give me a decline, or offer either way. Than be a stand by person. Is what it is. Yes everything in me would like to chew them out for stringing me along. But who knows they could still be a doorway down the road. I just remind myself timing matters. And I don't know what is going on behind the scenes.


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## ENTJudgement (Oct 6, 2013)

OrchidSugar said:


> I have been in an interview process for a month and half with a company that looked interesting. I think it was one of those situations where they already knew who they were going to hire, but they had to go through the process of interviewing to keep up appearances. What is the best way to handle this situation?
> 
> Just stay professional and thank them for their time (even though they wasted mine)? Or find a way to professionally tell them to kiss my ass? I know this sounds a little bit funny, but I'm just wondering because I'm inexperienced.


It all comes down to supply and demand, if you think you're irreplaceable and they don't have any candidates that could do what you do then sure, fk around with them, do w/e you want but if pull some shit that they didn't like then the next candidate that was almost as good as you and can do your job almost just as well or equally well, that candidate suddenly becomes the lead person for the position.


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## recycled_lube_oil (Sep 30, 2021)

ENTJudgement said:


> It all comes down to supply and demand, if you think you're irreplaceable and they don't have any candidates that could do what you do then sure, fk around with them, do w/e you want but if pull some shit that they didn't like then the next candidate that was almost as good as you and can do your job almost just as well or equally well, that candidate suddenly becomes the lead person for the position.


I've seen what happens when a contractor pulls shit. They were let go, due to a giant client going to a different service provider. They decided it would be funny to tell the people working nights that there were still 4 people who had to go that were full time staff not on contractors. This news spread to multiple people overnight due to Facebook messaging.

The next day, two of the managers had to spend the morning reassuring everyone that there would be no further cuts. The guy who spread the rumor went from a "loss" to "bloody good job he is gone".

Anyway fast forward a year and a bit to COVID and lockdowns, we were looking for new permanent staff for a new big client. Guess who applied as there then old job had laid them off (COVID cuts). Yep you guessed, Mr Rumor spreader. Guess who would of probably been given the job on spot but instead had their CV put through the shredder. We actually had to inform one of the new managers why they shouldn't interview that person despite them being a good fit.

On a personal note, even with shitty firms and jobs, I still do my best to leave on a good note. You never know what the future may bring or who you may bump into at a later date.

Even the onslaught of recruiters messaging me on LinkedIn, I always go out my way to respond with a generic "Thankyou, however I am not looking for a new position at the moment. I would be grateful if you would keep me on your system however for the future".


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## ENTJudgement (Oct 6, 2013)

recycled_lube_oil said:


> I've seen what happens when a contractor pulls shit. They were let go, due to a giant client going to a different service provider. They decided it would be funny to tell the people working nights that there were still 4 people who had to go that were full time staff not on contractors. This news spread to multiple people overnight due to Facebook messaging.
> 
> The next day, two of the managers had to spend the morning reassuring everyone that there would be no further cuts. The guy who spread the rumor went from a "loss" to "bloody good job he is gone".
> 
> ...


Yep I'm pretty simpy at work coz I know how hard it is to repair burnt bridges, I always rather people wrong me than me wrong them coz when I'm wronged, I have the leverage of choosing to forgive or grudge but if I wronged someone else, it's hard to predict what hes gonna do to me an what kinda damage is coming my way.


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## Necrofantasia (Feb 26, 2014)

SouDesuNyan said:


> What's the point of offending anyone in general? I don't see any advantage to it.


Some folks have the personality equivalent of a very punchable face.


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## ShushFox (3 mo ago)

OrchidSugar said:


> I have been in an interview process for a month and half with a company that looked interesting. I think it was one of those situations where they already knew who they were going to hire, but they had to go through the process of interviewing to keep up appearances. What is the best way to handle this situation?
> 
> Just stay professional and thank them for their time (even though they wasted mine)? Or find a way to professionally tell them to kiss my ass? I know this sounds a little bit funny, but I'm just wondering because I'm inexperienced.


You suck it up, anything else can bite you down the line


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## DolphinLuver69 (3 mo ago)

Just say "you cant fire me bc I quit" works for me everytime


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## ENTJudgement (Oct 6, 2013)

SmokingPoop said:


> Just say "you cant fire me bc I quit" works for me everytime


But then he can say u can’t quit coz I fired u first?


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