# Will there always be compromise of who you feel you are in a relationship?



## Senter (Nov 21, 2011)

What do you think? Are you going to have to be different than how you are when you are alone in any relationship? I'm sure this is going to get complicated because compromise and who you are is kind of... they aren't clearly ... stable things. But in any case what is your opinion?


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## Pbear (Jan 20, 2012)

I think, ideally, there shouldn't be. I can only speak for myself, but I feel like love should just be like a friendship with a male, except with a sexual element added to it. I've always found myself having to "tailor" myself for my girlfriends, which sucks for me, but I must be good at it, because they always get clingy. I've never been dumped by a chick, I always end the relationship after a pretty short amount of time because of this.


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## WolfStar (Aug 18, 2009)

No. I'm not going to change myself for a relationship. I will compromise and change certain things I do, if needed, but not myself. That leads to unhappiness.


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## Pbear (Jan 20, 2012)

I totally agree, which is why I always end up dissatisfied with my relationships. Also, it also seems like I have to settle a lot, since most girls that I'm really interested in seem to be in really serious relationships with assholes, which sucks.


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## goodgracesbadinfluence (Feb 28, 2011)

I won't change myself or who I am for ANYONE. I may modify my behaviour around certain people, though. Or not talk about certain things. But if I'm really passionate about it or I really believe in it, then they can get over it. If they really care about me it won't matter.


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## sabriel (Jan 19, 2012)

WolfStar said:


> No. I'm not going to change myself for a relationship. I will compromise and change certain things I do, if needed, but not myself. That leads to unhappiness.


^ same

but also, "peak experiences between two people are only possible through surrender"


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## Senter (Nov 21, 2011)

sabriel said:


> ^ same
> 
> but also, "peak experiences between two people are only possible through surrender"


why do you think so? i would think.. though im not positive... that peak experiences wouldnt neccesarily mean surrendering. to me a peak experience would be a strong sense of who i am coupled with how i am is complimented by another... i imagine it to be a very grounding a whole feeling ... though i could just be imagining and idealizing things


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## WolfStar (Aug 18, 2009)

I am also curious what you mean by surrender. In my experience a relationship generally has one person leading (Though it varies who leads based on the current activity), but I've never experienced surrender.


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## Senter (Nov 21, 2011)

WolfStar said:


> I am also curious what you mean by surrender. In my experience a relationship generally has one person leading (Though it varies who leads based on the current activity), but I've never experienced surrender.


*chuckles a little in head* and what do you mean by leading? Do you mean like the ball is in someones court or do you mean like someone likes the other person more than the other?


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## WolfStar (Aug 18, 2009)

Senter said:


> *chuckles a little in head* and what do you mean by leading? Do you mean like the ball is in someones court or do you mean like someone likes the other person more than the other?


With regards to someone liking the person more than the other, that's a hard area to get into. Everyone has varying amounts of feelings and how much they express them. I would say that in a relationship between two loving partners, they both love each other in their own ways, but one or the other may or may not have more of their life and happiness revolve around the other person.

With leading I meant, well, you can't sail a boat with two captains. Everyone has their areas of expertise and although there are situations where two leaders working together is the perfect combination, there are many other situations where the wisdom of one person needs to be respected and followed.


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## sabriel (Jan 19, 2012)

okay i see now why that quote may not resonate with others.

to me, the peak times in a relationship would be when the (positive) emotional intensity overcomes my natural predisposition to control and lead. when boundaries between identities of two people vanish for a moment, and there is only shared emotion.
and no, i wouldn't want that or be able to handle that for the entirety of the relationship.

but to those whose natural state already lacks control or clear identity, i see how that could sound like a nightmare.


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## AphroditeGoneAwry (Jan 10, 2012)

sabriel said:


> to me, the peak times in a relationship would be when the (positive) emotional intensity overcomes my natural predisposition to control and lead. when boundaries between identities of two people vanish for a moment, and there is only shared emotion.


Perfectly expressed.


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## Blocklos (Feb 22, 2011)

sabriel said:


> ^ same
> 
> but also, "peak experiences between two people are only possible through surrender"


With this, I agree. 

I believe in seeking an intimate friendship with a woman which can eventually lead to mutual surrender. I would consider this to be marriage, where two people become one, and in my mind, this means you take on all the goals, dreams, pain and burdens of the other and walk through it with them. They also take yours. You have the responsibilities of 2 people, but it seems to me that a marriage of two healthy, compatible, 'in-love' people yields a sum that is greater than it's parts. 1 + 1 = 3 in this sort of relationship. I realize this seems terribly idealistic for an INTJ, but it is my goal. 

I think healthy people will maintain the integrity of their identities to the largest extent throughout a healthy relationship. But inevitably, there is some crossover of traits, and I don't see that as a bad thing if it isn't a defining core value.


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## Senter (Nov 21, 2011)

sabriel said:


> okay i see now why that quote may not resonate with others.
> 
> to me, the peak times in a relationship would be when the (positive) emotional intensity overcomes my natural predisposition to control and lead. when boundaries between identities of two people vanish for a moment, and there is only shared emotion.
> and no, i wouldn't want that or be able to handle that for the entirety of the relationship.
> ...


thatt makes sense.


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## sabriel (Jan 19, 2012)

Blocklos said:


> a marriage of two healthy, compatible, 'in-love' people yields a sum that is greater than it's parts. I realize this seems terribly idealistic for an INTJ, but it is my goal.


yes. and yes.


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## WolfStar (Aug 18, 2009)

I don't see it as a predisposition to lead, but I find a sort of weird sort of beauty in utilizing each other's strengths.


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## sabriel (Jan 19, 2012)

Blocklos said:


> I realize this seems terribly idealistic for an INTJ, but it is my goal.


INTJ nature and idealism seem very much in line to me. we just call them goals, not dreams haha.


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## Blocklos (Feb 22, 2011)

sabriel said:


> INTJ nature and idealism seem very much in line to me. we just call them goals, not dreams haha.


Not to mention that in some circles, we would be openly ridiculed for our ideals. We aren't allowed to believe things like this. 
We don't feel deeply, remember?


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## Senter (Nov 21, 2011)

Blocklos said:


> Not to mention that in some circles, we would be openly ridiculed for our ideals. We aren't allowed to believe things like this.
> We don't feel deeply, remember?


im ridiculed for my ideals on the REG. thug lyfe... im not sure that was funny. i dont really think it was. but im leaving it just in case it is.


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## sabriel (Jan 19, 2012)

Blocklos said:


> Not to mention that in some circles, we would be openly ridiculed for our ideals. We aren't allowed to believe things like this.
> We don't feel deeply, remember?


The First Rule of INTJ emotions: We Do Not Talk About INTJ Emotions


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