# Close Friend is Suffering from Bulimia and Depression. What Should I Do?



## chasingdreams (Jul 16, 2011)

( I posted this in the ENFP forum, but I will do so here as well.) 

Hello there. 

My closest friend is an ENFP whom is suffering from severe depression. Today, she texted me telling me she thinks she is suffering from bulimia as well. 

I really do want to help her, and I’ve told her many times to seek help. However, she keeps on telling me she can do it on her own, and I know she can’t. I told her I was going to tell someone, if she wasn’t going to do so herself, but she says she doesn’t like to be told to do things, and she will do the complete opposite of what someone tells her. 

I want to tell her older sister whom she lives with. I know I may be jeopardizing our friendship, but her life is worth more than our friendship. However, at the same time I’m going to miss her so much if she leaves me. 

What should I do, please help me?


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## Enormous Hatred (Jul 29, 2011)

Try and keep her active. I don't mean hanging around her all the time, but try to get her mind off her problems occasionally with some fun here and there. Staying busy can have a therapeutic quality. If she's actually suffering from bulimia like she told you, she may not be very healthy and have low energy (also an effect of depression), so something lazy like a movie would suffice if nothing else.

As far as being stubborn about accepting help, I'm of course tempted to bring up the prospect of reverse psychology, but that may not work like it does on TV. Try a less hands-on approach and instead focus her on the positives in her life and the things she's doing most well with currently.

It sounds like your friend has a dominant personality of sorts, and I know from experience with my own friends that it can be difficult to move them with a head-on assault. In this case, your friend doesn't seem to be disdaining your advice (and in fact probably agrees with you), but wants to do it in her own way. I'm willing to bet if she can find some small successes here and there in her life (going back to my last paragraph), it will lessen the major overall problems you've cited.

If the problem gets particularly destructive you may have no choice but to tell someone. No one would even blame you if you did it now. I wouldn't just yet personally, but then again I don't have the whole picture.


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## deadgirlrunning (Feb 14, 2011)

Well obviously I don't know how severe the bulimia is, but if she just told you I'm guessing its not that intense. How does her depression manifest itself? Some people are always on the go even whilst depressed and really need to take a break. Assuming she has the more stereotypical fatigue and apathy associated with depression I think it would be good for her to get out. Maybe you could suggest going somewhere she likes/used to like going?


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## Khar (May 21, 2011)

Depression is serious, and so is bulimia. No one here is a medical professional, and we simply cannot provide alternatives to make her feel better as well, as capably, or as correctly as someone who is specifically trained to handle these situations. If she is having these problems the best thing to do is to is to get help by whatever means is most possible, and that means contacting a health professional as soon as is possible. 

In my opinion, you have two options: 

1. Take her to the doctor yourself, since she might be hoping for that. 
2. Tell the sister, and have the sister take her to the doctor. 

If she thinks she is suffering from these issues she is doing herself no good trying to "take care of it herself." These are serious conditions for the very reason that they are incredibly difficult to take care of, and those who may manage it on their own take a lot longer and may cause lasting damage they otherwise would not have to deal with if they had done the right thing and sought medical care. 

It's good that you value your friendship and trust, but she is telling you something which is jeopardizing her well being by staying silent. If I was in your position, I'd likely have done one of the two above things as soon as was possible, and have done so in the past. There is no shame in seeking help -- she has already asked for yours, time to take it the next step ASAP, in my own opinion. 

Best wishes to you and your friend.


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## MCRTS (Jul 4, 2011)

chasingdreams said:


> ( I posted this in the ENFP forum, but I will do so here as well.)
> 
> Hello there.
> 
> ...


You're such a good friend for being so caring. Your friend is so lucky to know you. Her mental state sounds serious. You should tell her sister. She may not appreciate it now, and may even consider it a betrayal, but she will definitely appreciate your effort later, because you would have saved her life.


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## dizzygirl (Dec 19, 2009)

I agree with Khar's suggestion. Try taking her to the counselor yourself. She might be more comfortable with that since she decided to tell you about her problems and not her sister.


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## ShadowComet (Aug 14, 2011)

heh, numbered list time!!

1) Drag her out of the house, kicking and screaming if you have to. Go for a very long walk, plan around going close to like a coffee shop or other rest stop with available fluids for drinking. You don't even have to say much of anything, just go for a walk.

2) Feed her if she looks really thin. If she says she ate already and still looks like she's way to thin, take her for an activity, like the walk, or a run, or a bike ride, or even swimming, and then feed her. Don't forget to follow her to the bathroom incase she tries to throw it up.

3) Don't panic, cause she will realize you care eventually, unless she is a vegetable, and don't confuse her being stubborn for not liking you anymore, it may mean some separation time if she gets that far, but she will figure it out eventually that you did it cause you cared. After all, even those of us considered "robots" will catch on to such things eventually. Remeber! If she will still see you, it likely means she already knows you're doing so cause you care.

4) If she starts to think she's being a burden, tell her caring for someone is never a burden, and I'd even go so far as to give such a person a smack back to reality if the person in question tries to go too far, followed by a hug, you can even cry alittle, I know I would.

5) You are still remembering not to panic right?

6) numbers 1-3 are rinse and repeatable.

Is my list of what you could potentially try, and remember all of them, and to use all of them as they come up. Good Luck


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## SuperfineConcubine (Aug 8, 2011)

Khar has it exactly right, no one here is a doctor. Left to herself, I sincerely doubt she will get the help she needs. She needs to see a physician. Bulimia is serious business and usually has roots a lot deeper than the need to be thin. The only thing you can really do is be supportive when and if she does treatment.


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## Coburn (Sep 3, 2010)

@chasingdreams

Look at this way:

Your friend is telling you all her problems, but every time you want to do something about it she turns on the "i don't do what people tell me" act. She is unfairly trapping you a position to be helpless to her own self-destruction. That's bad for you, bad for her, and bad for the future of your friendship.

Don't let her push you around into a position of helplessness. You are the wise one in this situation, not her. Tell her sister and get a doctor ASAP. Tell someone who can actively make a difference on her life. Friendship is about doing what is best for your friend even when she doesn't want it. 

You have the power to make a difference in this young woman's life. She would not tell you about her problems if she wasn't searching for an answer to them. Be the answer and get her help.

Good luck, and don't be afraid to PM me if you have any questions. I've been down the same road with my own friends before, so I understand what you're going through.


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## Lackjester (Aug 16, 2011)

The concepts I've explained there should help you understand the many mechanisms at play here.

The neurophysiological impact of stress and its repercussions on modern life.


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## Princessportent (Dec 2, 2011)

I used to suffer from anorexia for several years and I was very drawn to the rituals and the comfort it gave me, even as doctors told me that it was possibly damaging my heart. Eating disorders are insidious and hard to treat (typically it can take up to a decade for full resolution, although I look at it as more an addiction you always have to guard against). 

Your friend probably is so caught up in the rituals that she finds it hard to stop. Maybe ask her what you can do to help minimize the problems? Ask her if she knows what triggers it? Knowing what is triggering the bulimia (or the anorexia) is a very critical first step. Sometimes, I think someone has to get genuinely scared first. That's what happened with me. I was bringing up blood and a central vein in my arm collapsed, and I just got very sick very suddenly and the fear peaked to the point where I suddenly knew I couldn't continue on as I had been, and started replacing all the very destructive habits with less destructive habits, and over time to positive habits. 

So recognizing triggers is important. So too is staying busy and having positive things to do that blot out the need to engage the eating disorder. 

I wish your friend the very best. It is a very hard thing to do - recovery. Harder in some ways than being sick. Tell her you'll support her and do what you can to help her, but don't force her to make changes (unless it is critical, using anything that can be seen as forcing treatment almost always makes things worse).


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## Princessportent (Dec 2, 2011)

"2) Feed her if she looks really thin. If she says she ate already and still looks like she's way to thin, take her for an activity, like the walk, or a run, or a bike ride, or even swimming, and then feed her. Don't forget to follow her to the bathroom incase she tries to throw it up."

I would warn against manipulating someone to eat, even though I think this poster has the best intentions in the world. I would recommend offering healthy snacks (if she has bulimia, she may not even be restricting calories, and by offering healthy snacks she is less likely to binge. MOST binge foods are simple carbs or junk, and easy to binge foods would be things like chocolate, ice cream, anything soft and easy to purge). 

I know that in my own case, the few times where I felt made to eat always ended with me 'overcompensating' for the extra calories, and actually resulted in greater damage. Typically I would fast for multiple days, run an excessive amount, even take laxatives. The routines are soothing and breaking the routines can cause huge guilt and panic. So I wouldn't advise against pushing your friend to eat. Some people with bulimia can ALSO have anorexia (the most dangerous combination as the heart is already weakened by the malnutrition caused by the anorexia), but I would advise against not forcing a person with bulimia to eat. I do think this poster is trying to be very helpful and it sounds very logical, but from my own experiences...this never worked out well. Then again, it may be what your friend does need. You may want to ask her what could trigger her. After all, making sure someone eats properly at one meal is not worth then having that person adhere more stringently to the rules of an ED for a week as "penance."


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## Fleetfoot (May 9, 2011)

Khar said:


> Depression is serious, and so is bulimia. No one here is a medical professional, and we simply cannot provide alternatives to make her feel better as well, as capably, or as correctly as someone who is specifically trained to handle these situations. If she is having these problems the best thing to do is to is to get help by whatever means is most possible, and that means contacting a health professional as soon as is possible.
> 
> In my opinion, you have two options:
> 
> ...


This...I don't know how emotionally well-equipped you are, but regardless, stuff like this (especially from a close friend, since it's much more personal) is extremely difficult to keep to yourself and help her, and in time may bring yourself down as well, and if you're down trying to help someone whose much worse off, it ain't pretty.


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