# Just need someone to listen...



## Alysaria (Jul 7, 2009)

My thoughts are a little disjointed right now, so I'll try to make as much sense as I can...and I'm sorry if I start to ramble.

I basically have 3 good, close friends: an INFP, an INTJ, and an INFJ. I've drifted apart from the INFP after alot of crap... I have trouble keeping my opinion to myself, and she is really sensitive and takes (secret) offense to almost everything I say.... She's also a little fickle about meeting up with people...especially the other 2 friends. The INFP and INFJ have been friends for a very long time and I only met the couple through the INFP...but when all the crap went down...the INFP left the INFJ out of the loop and moved out of state without even telling her. -_-;; I had moved with the INFP, but she moved in with a tool of a bf and after about a month I decided to go back home...and it bothered me that the INFJ and INTJ didn't know anything...so I got in touch with them. They're friends with the INFP again, but she still has the same tendency to skip out on invitations without calling...and I've kind of become better friends with the INFJ and INTJ because I'm almost obsessive about making sure everyone knows everything about where I am and what I'm doing. 

The INFJ and INTJ are moving out of state on Friday. I've been trying not to think about it for weeks now, but the closer it gets, the more agitated I get. I broke down on Monday and cried...and every day, I feel like more of my energy is draining away. I'm losing track of time. I stare blankly at the ceiling when I wake up, and I barely give myself enough time to get ready for work. Alot of it has come out here, trying to pick fights over details that I've honed in on and made hugely important in my mind. But offline, I'm spaced out and only half-aware of anything. I have emotional symptoms that feel like the flu. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. 

I understand that moving isn't death. They'll still be around, but there's something important about visiting in person. They'll be 7 hours away, so it's not a trip I can make frequently. All of my friends that have moved away before fell off my radar. I know most of my other friendships died because they didn't put forth the effort I did to stay in touch, and eventually I just gave up trying.... The INTJ and INFJ have promised that won't happen, but out of sight, out of mind has been the precedent.

My mother indicated that since I just have a temp job, now would be the perfect time to look for something new and figure out what I want. She suggested moving to where the INTJ and INFJ are going and getting an apartment nearby. I don't have any reason not to, but I don't know how to talk myself into it. I already leapt into another situation like that with the INFP...moving to another state and blindly trying to find employment there. It didn't work out so well, not that the INFPs jerk of a boyfriend really helped matters. Part of me is scared of failing and crawling home with my tail between my legs to lick my wounds again. >< I have to succeed on my own, and this time I wouldn't even have the excuse of someone deliberately making life difficult for me.


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## Amusea (Aug 9, 2009)

I know you said you just needed someone to listen - but I'm coming over all ENFP and just have to offer a little bit of something like advice. Ignore if you will. 

Firstly - this is NOT the end of the world. Repeat after me - NOT the end of the world. Take a few deep breaths and force yourself to smile. I know what its like to freak out over something - one of my rabbits nearly died last week and I spent days and days being emotionally useless until she picked up - but reacting like this never helps the situation. So calm your head so you can think rationally.

Ok - so we've chilled! I live in a world where everything happens for a reason. You've got 2 choices here. Well, 3 really, but holing yourself up and hiding from the world isn't really an option is it?! Choice 1 - you expand your circle of friends. You're an ENFP, you'll survive this. Sure, it'll suck, but you'll deal. Choice 2 - you move. Don't be hindered by past experiences.

Put in your place, I would apply for any jobs that take your fancy near where your friends are moving to. If you get a job, find yourself a place and move. If you don't, then work hard at keeping in contact, and get close to some people that you're not all that close to at the moment. The world is a big place, and there's plenty of people out there. It might even be a good time to travel!

The best way for you to get through this is to keep moving forward. I know it looks like your snowed in right now, but if you keep moving things will get better. So get off your butt! Said in the most affectionate way possible of course - I'm the worlds worst defeatest and procrastinator.

And remember - you can make the best of any situation. Nothings black and white, and everything is salvagable. All that said - its one hell of a sucky situation, and I hope things work out for the best. *hugs*


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## Alysaria (Jul 7, 2009)

^_^ ENFP optimism at it's finest. Thank you. I needed that. >.> The INFJ keeps saying she's going to kidnap me or start sending out applications in my name when they get there. The INTJ just told me he's going to ask me one question the day they leave "Does this smell like chloroform?"

You're absolutely right. As much as I feel like crawling into my lair and sulking in the darkness of emo-land... I should act. I just wish I had more confidence. I have to be able to adapt to anything and thrive...and the move with the INFP really knocked the wind out of my sails.


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## InvisibleJim (Jun 30, 2009)

We all require help sometimes,

Here's one I've been reading of late 

How to Deal with Change - wikiHow

And more importantly! Something to take your mind off things!

http://www.wikihow.com/Make-a-Muppet-Style-Puppet

And if that doesnt work, we'll - you can always go nuclear and come get hugs on IRC.


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## Alysaria (Jul 7, 2009)

InvisibleJim said:


> We all require help sometimes,
> 
> Here's one I've been reading of late
> 
> ...


ROFL! I could actually see myself making a muppet....and taking it to work as a new coworker. >.> Then getting all flustered and annoyed when people don't acknowledge that it's a real person. Hugs are always appreciated... ^_^ Thank you very much.


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## HollyGolightly (Aug 8, 2009)

Amusea said it all  

In times like these you really need to follow your heart. Go inside yourself and ask: "what do I want to do?"
In life friends come and go. Well all lose friends but we also make new ones. Think about it, do you see yourself still friends with the INFJ and INTJ in ten years time? 
Just because you had a bad experience before doesn't mean it will happen again. Trust your gut instinct. Whatever you choice make sure that you are happy


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## Ungweliante (Feb 26, 2009)

HollyGolightly said:


> Amusea said it all
> 
> In times like these you really need to follow your heart. Go inside yourself and ask: "what do I want to do?"
> In life friends come and go. Well all lose friends but we also make new ones. Think about it, do you see yourself still friends with the INFJ and INTJ in ten years time?
> Just because you had a bad experience before doesn't mean it will happen again. Trust your gut instinct. Whatever you choice make sure that you are happy


I agree with HollyGolightly. Even important friends can be transitory, and new friends come. You should put an emphasis on being happy by yourself. Do not look for salvation from other people, but rather in choices which directly affect your own life.

Ask yourself: "What would I like to learn?" "What would I like to study?" "Where would I like to work?" "What kind of person am I and what do I want to become?" The answer to those questions will tell you where you should go to and if it's the same place where the INFJ and INTJ are.


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## Alysaria (Jul 7, 2009)

Ungweliante said:


> I agree with HollyGolightly. Even important friends can be transitory, and new friends come. You should put an emphasis on being happy by yourself. Do not look for salvation from other people, but rather in choices which directly affect your own life.
> 
> Ask yourself: "What would I like to learn?" "What would I like to study?" "Where would I like to work?" "What kind of person am I and what do I want to become?" The answer to those questions will tell you where you should go to and if it's the same place where the INFJ and INTJ are.


I don't feel dependent on them for my happiness. I don't have to rely on anyone for that. It's important to me to be content with myself - after all, I can't expect anyone else to accept, respect and love me if I can't.

I can't answer any of those questions. I feel like a car stuck in a snowdrift, endlessly revving my engine, tires spinning uselessly regardless of how much effort I apply. I think the first thing I need to do is get past the wall of terror. The core of my confidence is in my ability to enter into any situation and adapt. "I can do anything!" >.> I know it wasn't my fault that I failed the last time I tried to move out...but if I fail on my own, it could completely destroy my self-confidence. 

Following them could be the first step in figuring out what I want to do....or it could be a horrible mistake that completely crushes my spirit. Then again, going anywhere on my own could do the same thing....and I don't know if I want to splash around in the kiddie pool, or dive headlong into "real life."


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## Ungweliante (Feb 26, 2009)

Alysaria said:


> I don't know if I want to splash around in the kiddie pool, or dive headlong into "real life."


You don't have to. You can try and come back, should things not work out. Your family won't disappear anywhere. Best to try than not to, right? You might learn something by trying, like for example that even if it won't work out, it's still ok :happy:

...and as for not knowing the answers for the questions: You still have a lot of time left here, on this earth. There is no rush.


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## Alysaria (Jul 7, 2009)

I just always have this intense feeling like I'm supposed to be doing something important, but it's just beyond my reach to really comprehend what. You know?


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## Ungweliante (Feb 26, 2009)

Alysaria said:


> I just always have this intense feeling like I'm supposed to be doing something important, but it's just beyond my reach to really comprehend what. You know?


Yeah, I know. I feel like that often :happy: 

*hugs*

I largely found peace by accepting that my way of living a happy life differs from what is generally perceived as a good life by the "western" society.


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## Alysaria (Jul 7, 2009)

Ungweliante said:


> Yeah, I know. I feel like that often :happy:
> 
> *hugs*
> 
> I largely found peace by accepting that my way of living a happy life differs from what is generally perceived as a good life by the "western" society.


Definitely. Money isn't really important to me. It's only real use is allowing me the freedom I crave. The idea of living my life solely devoted to its collection incites the reaction in me of a life sentence to a convicted criminal.


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## Ungweliante (Feb 26, 2009)

Do you know your enneagram type? Finding it out might provide you answers for some of your questions. The perspective is different from MBTI.


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## Alysaria (Jul 7, 2009)

Ungweliante said:


> Do you know your enneagram type? Finding it out might provide you answers for some of your questions. The perspective is different from MBTI.


Looks like Type 9


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## Decon (Dec 9, 2008)

Do you have the numbers that it gave you? Because while it is nice to know your focus (or base), it helps to know your wing as well.


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## Alysaria (Jul 7, 2009)

This is all the information it gave me:

Type 1 Perfectionism||||||||||||46%
Type 2Helpfulness||||||||||||||54%
Type 3Image Focus||||||||||||50%
Type 4Hypersensitivity||||||30%
Type 5Detachment||||18%
Type 6Anxiety||||||||||||46%
Type 7Adventurousness||||||||||||||58%
Type 8Aggressiveness||||||||||||46%
Type 9Calmness||||||||||||||||62%


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## Alysaria (Jul 7, 2009)

I'll take the advanced test lol - be back shortly with the results


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## Alysaria (Jul 7, 2009)

>.> Just about the same results....just took longer to get there and there was a little bit more 2 and 7. I'm not really sure how to go about getting the "wings." This confuses me. 

Edit: Actually, it looks like I had higher 2 than 9 on the advanced results.

Edit #2: Is there a better testing site? O.O


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## Decon (Dec 9, 2008)

w


Alysaria said:


> >.> Just about the same results....just took longer to get there and there was a little bit more 2 and 7. I'm not really sure how to go about getting the "wings." This confuses me.
> 
> Edit: Actually, it looks like I had higher 2 than 9 on the advanced results.


 
Okay, let me try it this way.. Imagine if there was a circle with one through nine on it. Your "wing" would be the strongest number next to yours. So, looking at your results, your strongest number is nine, with a balanced 8/1 wing. So, I'd suggest looking up decriptions of both a 9w1 and a 9w8 and see which one fits you. Does that help?


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## Ungweliante (Feb 26, 2009)

The first test from this page has been the best I have found: Eclectic Energies Enneagram Tests (free)

You can also watch:






and






...sadly I couldn't find a video by him for enneagram 2. Perhaps you can?


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## Alysaria (Jul 7, 2009)

Decon said:


> w
> 
> 
> Okay, let me try it this way.. Imagine if there was a circle with one through nine on it. Your "wing" would be the strongest number next to yours. So, looking at your results, your strongest number is nine, with a balanced 8/1 wing. So, I'd suggest looking up decriptions of both a 9w1 and a 9w8 and see which one fits you. Does that help?


I don't really know...




> *9w8s* - sensual, firmly grounded in their bodies; emphasis on physical comforts; generally easy going but with a volcanic and expansive anger when forced by others to leave their comfort-zone
> *9w1s* - idealistic, cerebral; can resemble E5s; emphasis on (day-) dreams of union and harmony; willing to repress and/or ignore many negative impulses in self and others but react with an indignant anger towards those who are perceived to be ruining the peace


 
I could really lean either way....although I don't really see myself as having explosive anger. I know I used to as a child, though.


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## Alysaria (Jul 7, 2009)

Ungweliante said:


> The first test from this page has been the best I have found: Eclectic Energies Enneagram Tests (free)


O.O That test gave me completely different results. It says I'm a 7w8....sexual variant.


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## Decon (Dec 9, 2008)

Alysaria said:


> O.O That test gave me completely different results. It says I'm a 7w8....sexual variant.


Hmm....... I'll let amberheadlights know. She seems to be very well versed in Ennagram theory.


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## Ungweliante (Feb 26, 2009)

Alysaria said:


> O.O That test gave me completely different results. It says I'm a 7w8....sexual variant.


Now the next thing to do is to read the profile of enneagram 7. See if it strikes true. Imru2 made a great post about it here: http://personalitycafe.com/enneagram-personality-theory-forum/3748-type-7-adventurer.html

Also I'm sure you can find many profiles by googling :happy:


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## Alysaria (Jul 7, 2009)

I'm just wondering if my current state of mind is affecting my results...so I could be typing as my shadow.


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## Decon (Dec 9, 2008)

Well, I askeed amberheadlights to come and try to help. But if I remember correctly, a nine has the ability to "chameleon" as other types. Plus, state of mind does have a lot to do with what you test as.


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## Ungweliante (Feb 26, 2009)

Alysaria said:


> I'm just wondering if my current state of mind is affecting my results...so I could be typing as my shadow.


Personally, I think I have qualities of types 4, 7 and 9. I got equal scores in 4 and 7, but when I read the profiles, it was 4 which rang the most true.

A lot of people have this mood that the enneagram has only one type and one wing, no other types are catered to. It's against the system and whatnot. However, I think that the most important thing is how you can use the knowledge you get from studying the different profiles. Reading more about the type 4 made me find about my identity more and understand myself better; how I am and what I need from life. I don't think it's _ultimately_ that important if I'm "truly" 4, in that light.


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## amberheadlights (May 16, 2009)

If 2,7 and 9 are the ones you keep getting, then you're probably in the positive outlook triad. The next step would be to figure out if you're heart(2), head(7) or gut(9) triad. Take a look at the article I posted on the triads and see which resonates the most. Basically, it goes 2:heart/compliant to superego/positive outlook (7)head/assertive/positive outlook and (9)gut/withdrawn/positive outlook. Since you've narrowed it down to one of the positive outlook types, that just makes it a question of which triad in each of the other two groupings.

If you're taking tests, I posted a link to my FB enneagram test in one of the other threads, but here it is again:

Enneagram Quiz on Facebook


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## pianopraze (Jun 29, 2009)

*hugz*

You are a wonderful young woman

You have spunk and and beautifulyl glowing insides.

*hugz*


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## Alysaria (Jul 7, 2009)

amberheadlights said:


> If 2,7 and 9 are the ones you keep getting, then you're probably in the positive outlook triad. The next step would be to figure out if you're heart(2), head(7) or gut(9) triad. Take a look at the article I posted on the triads and see which resonates the most. Basically, it goes 2:heart/compliant to superego/positive outlook (7)head/assertive/positive outlook and (9)gut/withdrawn/positive outlook. Since you've narrowed it down to one of the positive outlook types, that just makes it a question of which triad in each of the other two groupings.
> 
> If you're taking tests, I posted a link to my FB enneagram test in one of the other threads, but here it is again:
> 
> Enneagram Quiz on Facebook


 
Much better descriptions. I can understand where it's coming from a little bit better now. Thank you.

Hmm... The 7 sounds pretty accurate, although at first, I also leaned toward 9 as well. I know I have issues with authority, and if I didn't respect the person in authority or understand the purpose of a rule, I'd fight it - however subversively, and trust my ability to talk my way out of trouble. However, I'm also adaptable to new situations while still consciously maintaining my own core of individuality.. Then again, I can't say that I completely blend in with my environment; I'm too excitable and enthusiastic.

7 - Enneagram Type Seven: The Enthusiast This description pretty well nails it. 

I'd say 7w8 is probably right, then...with a sexual variant... I'm still not sure I understand the wings/variants. Most of the descriptions seem pretty basic, or assume the reader already has a good comprehension of the types.


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## Alysaria (Jul 7, 2009)

pianopraze said:


> *hugz*
> 
> You are a wonderful young woman
> 
> ...


Aww thank you ^_^ You're so sweet. -hug-


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## amberheadlights (May 16, 2009)

Alysaria said:


> Much better descriptions. I can understand where it's coming from a little bit better now. Thank you.
> 
> Hmm... The 7 sounds pretty accurate, although at first, I also leaned toward 9 as well. I know I have issues with authority, and if I didn't respect the person in authority or understand the purpose of a rule, I'd fight it - however subversively, and trust my ability to talk my way out of trouble. However, I'm also adaptable to new situations while still consciously maintaining my own core of individuality.. Then again, I can't say that I completely blend in with my environment; I'm too excitable and enthusiastic.
> 
> ...


Yeah, that sounds very seven-ish. I even read it to my 7w8 husband and he thought that fit seven to a tee. Especially the stuff about talking your way out of trouble and being too excitable and enthusiastic to really blend in with the environment :happy:

I wouldn't worry too much about wings right off the bat. Not all of the Enneagram authors use them. They can be helpful for figuring out the nuances of each type, so I take the approach that you can delve into them if you like them but knowing your instinctual variant and dominant type is a lot more useful. Most people are influenced by both wings to some extent anyways.


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## Alysaria (Jul 7, 2009)

Ok. Now that I have this valuable information....what do I do with it? O.O


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## pianopraze (Jun 29, 2009)

Alysaria said:


> Ok. Now that I have this valuable information....what do I do with it? O.O


1. look in a mirror...
2. put your right hand around your left shoulder...
3. put your left hand around your right shoulder...
4. squeeze as you say "i love you"









*hugz*


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## Alysaria (Jul 7, 2009)

pianopraze said:


> 1. look in a mirror...
> 2. put your right hand around your left shoulder...
> 3. put your left hand around your right shoulder...
> 4. squeeze as you say "i love you"
> ...


Awww. lol ^_^


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## amberheadlights (May 16, 2009)

Alysaria said:


> Ok. Now that I have this valuable information....what do I do with it? O.O


I guess that depends on how deeply you want to get into it. If you're interested in getting deeper into the system as a way of self-knowledge, or to work on certain patterns in your life, Maitri and Naranjo's books are good, and I think can give a lot of material that can be useful in self-reflection. They also can be helpful in identifying the types of other people in your life. There are also more in-depth resources, such as enneagram counselors that do phone sessions (I had a series of those with Jerome Wagner, an enneagram author/trainer in Chicago) and there are various workshops you can attend as well:

Enneagram Institute Workshop and Trainings Schedule

There's also a big conference that takes place every year, and I know a lot of people who swear by it, but I have yet to go. I was supposed to go to the one in Vegas a couple of weeks ago, but my summer's been such a comedy of errors with travel plans that it never happened. :tongue:

All of that may be a lot more in-depth than you want to get, though. For a lot of people, they just want to figure out their type and maybe learn how to type others. Naranjo's _Character and Neurosis_ is a good read if you want to get the overall principles, IMO.


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## Mutatio NOmenis (Jun 22, 2009)

The best advice I really know how to give an emotional person: get a hug. And, toughen up wussbag.


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## Alysaria (Jul 7, 2009)

mortabunt said:


> The best advice I really know how to give an emotional person: get a hug. And, toughen up wussbag.


O.O;;; Isn't that bound to just make an emotional person cry more?


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## Mutatio NOmenis (Jun 22, 2009)

I forgot *slashes emotional in the face.* Now you're so busy dealing with your wounds that you're forgetting to be sad.


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## Alysaria (Jul 7, 2009)

mortabunt said:


> I forgot *slashes emotional in the face.* Now you're so busy dealing with your wounds that you're forgetting to be sad.


O.O;;;;;; You frighten me sometimes, mort.


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