# How and where to find extremely deep friendships?



## strawberryLola (Sep 19, 2010)

ae1905 said:


> it's funny that many people think friendships happen naturally and without intent, yet when it comes to significant others the same people probably think you need to go out in search...does that mean SOs are not friends or friend-like?


Going out and searching seems to always work in reverse. You can't force chemistry. Not talking about the oozing "Oh his muscles so big me likee long time" lust kinda feelings.

Chemistry even with friends happen naturally when you least expect it.

I'm guessing, subconsciously, there are people who you just gel with as friends because (my theory) we form mental schemas of those who remind us of our past. There's a level of empathy that cannot be mutually fabricated or forced, and yes, intimate partner relationships _do _require a level of friendship, which largely depends on a certain level of Respect, understanding, and acceptance.


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## ae1905 (Jun 7, 2014)

strawberryLola said:


> Going out and searching seems to always work in reverse. You can't force chemistry. Not talking about the oozing "Oh his muscles so big me likee long time."
> 
> Chemistry even with friends happen naturally when you least expect it.
> 
> I'm guessing, subconsciously, there are people who you just gel with as friends because (my theory) we form mental schemas of those who remind us of our past. There's a level of empathy that cannot be mutually fabricated or forced.


I agree you can't force chemistry, but you can go out and meet people to find the ones you have chemistry with, and that's what dating is about...yet, most people don't do this when it comes to making friends...they just live their lives and let friends fall into their laps, so to speak...it's this difference in attitude and approach that I thought was interesting, especially as it might explain why dating (and the resulting relationships) is so challenging compared to making friends


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## strawberryLola (Sep 19, 2010)

In friendships, there isn't a level of physical intimacy and emotional commitment involved like there is one in exclusive relationships.

The priorities are different, and so is the level and type of emotional investment, unless, if there isn't a level of emotional commitment vested in romantic relationships like there is one in friendships, but stronger. In that case, it'd be like friendship, all except a bit degrading, or unwillingly impersonal like fwb's.

Sometimes friendships hold higher priority than relationships. Depends. Depends on the people, and their level of sincerity and mutuality.


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## Laguna (Mar 21, 2012)

Just because people are at a bar or a sporting event- does not mean they are shallow or do not have the ability to have deep and meaningful conversations and friendships. That's just silliness. You are inventing problems around your solutions out of the clear blue sky. 

Quit feeling sorry for yourself and get out there. Just get out there and don't keep score. Don't measure. Don't over analyze. Don't set friendship goals except goals of getting your ass out there and interacting with people. The more you interact- the higher chance you will meet people that you can become friends with. If you don't interact, there is zero chance. zilch.

It's like telemarketing. You make 100 calls and 10 respond. Out of those 10, 1 person buys. You have to start dialing. (Getting out.)


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## ae1905 (Jun 7, 2014)

strawberryLola said:


> In friendships, there isn't a level of physical intimacy and emotional commitment involved like there is one in exclusive relationships.
> 
> The priorities are different, and so is the level and type of emotional investment, unless, if there isn't a level of emotional commitment vested in romantic relationships like there is one in friendships, but stronger. In that case, it'd be like friendship, all except a bit degrading, or unwillingly impersonal like fwb's.
> 
> Sometimes friendships hold higher priority than relationships. Depends. Depends on the people, and their level of sincerity and mutuality.


if relationships entail a higher level of emotional commitment and expectations than friends, then, at the very least, partners should be friends, since they more than satisfy the lower levels required of friendship...but are most partners really friends?...and if they're not, should they even be in a relationship in the first place?


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## strawberryLola (Sep 19, 2010)

ae1905 said:


> if relationships entail a higher level of emotional commitment and expectations than friends, then, at the very least, *partners should be friends*, since they more than satisfy the lower levels required of friendship...but are *most partners really friends?.*..and if they're not, should they even be in a relationship in the first place?


It is wise start out as so.

There's a lot of truth to Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love:


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## ae1905 (Jun 7, 2014)

strawberryLola said:


> It is wise start out as so.


that's one reason why deliberately seeking a partner can be problematic, since it often bypasses the becoming friends stage



> There's a lot of truth to Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love:


never seen that before but I came up with something similar:

best friend + physical attraction = best friend with benefits (bfwb)

bfwb + shared values and goals = partner


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## Apple Pine (Nov 27, 2014)

Why are you making it so difficult? 

Get to know new people, such you can see as great potential friends, and you will eventually find yourself in one or two deep friendships.


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## ShadowsRunner (Apr 24, 2013)

I have always struggled with the same thing.

The problem is I've always yearned for the deeper more spiritual side of things and as well had never simply wanted to be a consumer, follow the beaten path and simply settle for a life and career I am not passionate about but unfortunately many people are not okay with this. They think I'm a loser because I like introverted activities and I am a very cerebral person. 

I feel the happiest when I am in my own world, exploring potentials and the outside world has always sort of left me feeling unfulfilled and often quickly drained : (

Most people I come across think I'm a freak because I don't fit into the mold.

I found somebody I thought recently could be a great friend who we could play music together, wasn't full of himself or fake and had a similar way of looking at the world; but was immediately put off by my 'strange' humor. 

You are supposed to consume, and spend your time on many frivolous activities and hobbies all the while being a master of none; and settling for size over depth.


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