# To fall in love because someone satisfies a need...



## impulsenine (Oct 18, 2020)

...it's such an embarrassing thing.

You have a need that you have not been able to satisfy yourself or no one has satisfied you so far.
Then you meet a person who satisfies that need. And you fall in love with him/her and (maybe) you end up wanting more because you are blind and you have the feeling that if that person managed to satisfy a desperate need, it is definitely good for something else, possibly marriage.

It seems to me a big mistake. A mistake that people do at any age. Adolescence, young adults, people in their 30s, 40s, 50s, all the time.

That's why I say the following: when you decide to fall in love, you have to be very careful with who you do it with and especially WHY.

Your important and quick needs may be met, but you need to keep in mind that you may have other more important (but non-urgent) needs that you want to be satisfied.

Some important and urgent needs for which people fall in love for (kinda fast): affection, sex, compliments, appreciation, interesting discussions, quality time spent together, understanding, fun.

Then you will realize that that person is not right for you.
Some are so persistent in their mistakes that they realize it after 30 years of marriage, which is sad.

Some fall into the trap. They think if their partner is capable of giving them these, it's their soulmate or something.
If you want something intense and short-term, it is ok to do that. Do it, but don't fall in love (that hard).
If you want something long-term and meaningful, it isn't ok to do that. Here is where people fail most often. They are attracted to "short-term" pleasings and they fall in love with that when they want something long-term.

If you want a long-term relationship: I would say that there are a lot more important things than all of the things I listed up there.
For example, at least in my opinion (don't know about you): one of the most important thing is this: common goals and dreams, then we can talk about an appropriate level of willpower and an appropriate level of energy and intelligence and a pleasant way to have fun.

Actually change the "common goals and dreams" with what is most important for you in life, what represents the "meaning" of your life.
I listed that because that's what I care most about in my life, the pursuit of my dreams and enjoying the experience.

Be careful who you love and why you fall in love.

Sometimes you might do it impulsively. It is not good to always listen to your first or second impulse. That's why I sometimes prefer to go far. Until the 9th impulse at least.


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## Handsome Dyke (Oct 4, 2012)

impulsenine said:


> Some important and urgent needs for which people fall in love for (kinda fast): affection, sex, compliments, appreciation, interesting discussions, quality time spent together, understanding, fun.


A few of these seem like sufficient reasons to fall in love with someone. I mean being in a relationship is literally spending quality time with another person over a period of time, so why shouldn't someone fall in love with someone who provides quality time?

As for trivial stuff like compliments, I'm not sure it's even possible to fall in love with someone over that. Can we really call that love?


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## impulsenine (Oct 18, 2020)

Saiyed Handsome **** said:


> A few of these seem like sufficient reasons to fall in love with someone. I mean being in a relationship is literally spending quality time with another person over a period of time, so why shouldn't someone fall in love with someone who provides quality time?


I think it depends on desires and expectations.
I would rather say it's "AND THAT" but not "just that".
For example, a person may know 20 people with whom to do this, to fit your definition of "love".
Then how can you decide who to fall in love with?

However, this is an exception.

What I said in the original post refers especially to people who have few people with whom to do this "spending quality time with another person over a period of time". And that's the case with the biggest risk of falling into the trap.



Saiyed Handsome **** said:


> As for trivial stuff like compliments, I'm not sure it's even possible to fall in love with someone over that. Can we really call that love?


You would be surprised.

***

In case the main idea of the main message was not understood: it often happens that we fall in love stupidly and this will influence our lives quite a lot. So be more careful when you fall in love.


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

Conceptually, the general order is as follows:

People meet and are attracted.
They spend time together whether casually or dating.
They enter relationships, if casual time and their dating phase works out. They might or might not move in together.
If the relationships works out, they might get married or continue living together long-term which might or might not result in common-law marriage.
And so on.
Often enough, people put the cart before the horse. They think they need to find the person that ticks off all the boxes before they start dating them. On paper compatibility often doesn't result in chemisty, never mind love.

Nature doesn't work that way. Often enough, falling in love is outside of your control. Interestingly enough, people appear to be attracted to others who have complementary immune systems. Once they live together, their immune systems synchronize.


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## impulsenine (Oct 18, 2020)

mia-me said:


> Conceptually, the general order is as follows:
> 
> People meet and are attracted.
> They spend time together whether casually or dating.
> ...


All right!
What I'm talking about is the faulty way this process takes place and how it affects the outcome.



mia-me said:


> Often enough, people put the cart before the horse.


I was talking about a situation in which they put themselves in front of the cart and pull the horse and the cart.



mia-me said:


> They think they need to find the person that ticks off all the boxes before they start dating them.


How do you know if the person ticks off all the boxes if you didn't date them? There are a lot of things you don't find out until you reach out or ask (after you've made an emotional connection).
Not to mention that people don't always tell/show the truth and not because they lie, but because they don't even know the truth.



mia-me said:


> On paper compatibility often doesn't result in chemisty, never mind love.


It doesn't even matter what's on paper.



mia-me said:


> Nature doesn't work that way. Often enough, falling in love is outside of your control.


I wouldn't say that.
Intentional or unintentional? Because intentionally, possibly.



mia-me said:


> Interestingly enough, people appear to be attracted to others who have complementary immune systems.


This is just one part of the whole mechanism.



mia-me said:


> Once they live together, their immune systems synchronize.


Interesting. I would say they sync from several points of view, though. That's because they end up having similar lifestyles and / or routines.


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

impulsenine said:


> All right!
> What I'm talking about is the faulty way this process takes place and how it affects the outcome.


It's not faulty since there's no guaranteed outcome, no matter how compatible on paper. That is, unless you're all about arranged marriages which can work, albeit while people can learn to love each other, they rarely fall in love. If that's your thing, then go for it. Different strokes, et al.



> I was talking about a situation in which they put themselves in front of the cart and pull the horse and the cart.


Good luck with that.



> How do you know if the person ticks off all the boxes if you didn't date them? There are a lot of things you don't find out until you reach out or ask (after you've made an emotional connection).
> Not to mention that people don't always tell/show the truth and not because they lie, but because they don't even know the truth.


You do realize that people recover and move on, if things don't work out, right? Breakups aren't the end of the world.



> It doesn't even matter what's on paper.


Exactly. Don't forget that people can change their minds too, relative to their goals and the future.



> I wouldn't say that.
> Intentional or unintentional? Because intentionally, possibly.


Have you ever been in love because you can't 'intentionally' fall in love.



> This is just one part of the whole mechanism.


Maybe. While no doubt you believe you have control over the process, you don't. What you can control is that even if you fall in love, you can back off and not act on it.



> Interesting. I would say they sync from several points of view, though. That's because they end up having similar lifestyles and / or routines.


Maybe. At present, we can only theorize but one aspect is for certain, their gut biomes synchronize which impacts on immune systems.


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## eeo (Aug 25, 2020)

impulsenine said:


> That's why I say the following: when you decide to fall in love, you have to be very careful with who you do it with and especially WHY.


Is falling in love really a decision, though? You can decide not to pursue it further and suppress it, that's for sure, but that's what happens after the fact.

You probably mean more along the lines of being careful and thinking things through before choosing people to spend time with.



impulsenine said:


> For example, at least in my opinion (don't know about you): one of the most important thing is this: common goals and dreams, then we can talk about an appropriate level of willpower and an appropriate level of energy and intelligence and a pleasant way to have fun.


I do agree on the common goals and dreams. It's just that, in my experience, even if you have those there is no guarantee they'll stay the same after some years together. People and circumstances can really change a lot. One could argue that these aspects were there all along and only revealed after some time together. But whom you end up with and are able to have satisfying relationships with still kind of feels like a lucky happenstance no matter how much you aim to prepare and think things through.


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

I think people can make the decision to cultivate a specific type of relationship with a specific individual, and so maybe that is what is meant "fall in love."

But I also agree you should not cultivate the type of relationship that you dream about with someone if they aren't compatible for it. 

I agree it isn't easy to find someone compatible for a meaningful, long-term relationship.

But we can always be kind and loving in some appropriate measure--just not all types of loving or cultivating other (maybe erotic or romantic) types of loving relationships with everyone.

Maybe it is also about what need it is appropriate to even let another person fill--you can love someone or maybe "fall in love" with someone, and it doesn't mean it's appropriate to try to allow them to fulfill any need or want, or to fulfill any of their needs. Or maybe just like very basic ones--like decency and kindness.

Sometimes being loving means to have a family with the right person. Sometimes it means to help a stranger with their groceries. Or could also be many things.


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## impulsenine (Oct 18, 2020)

It's either that I have too big expectations from a relationship or you don't understand what I mean.

Okay, I'll reformulate. 
Compatibility is necessary in a relationship. 
The incompatibility can be hidden because of this, because you fell in love because you desperately needed a need to be fulfilled. (and among those needs, most often it is about the basic ones, I listed them before)

And you can discover the incompatibility after 1 month or after 5 years or after 30 years. 
You will always find other reasons why the relationship did not work out. 

But based on my personal observations both in terms of my experiences and those of many other people around me: very often this happens, we choose our partners wrong for the simple fact that we are blind at first (or sometimes we continue to be years after) because they satisfy a need that we have long wanted to satisfy. 

We should pay more attention to this, especially if we have many unmet needs. In that case we are the most vulnerable and most likely to become blind.

And I say this, that we should open our eyes much wider, especially when we decide to fall in love, not to fall into this trap. 

An unsatisfied basic need -> you meet someone who satisfies it -> you tend to believe him especially because of this (because you wanted someone to satisfy you for a long time) -> you don't consider many other aspects important, relevant, for a successful relationship -> you get into a relationship and at some point you find out that it doesn't work for various reasons, not thinking about the fact that it was a bad choice from the start. You couldn't have known, because you were blind.


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## eeo (Aug 25, 2020)

@littlewyng shared this a while ago.


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

I look forward to how this idealistic perspective works out for you, particularly after 30 years. People change.


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## Penny (Mar 24, 2016)

impulsenine said:


> ...it's such an embarrassing thing.
> 
> You have a need that you have not been able to satisfy yourself or no one has satisfied you so far.
> Then you meet a person who satisfies that need. And you fall in love with him/her and (maybe) you end up wanting more because you are blind and you have the feeling that if that person managed to satisfy a desperate need, it is definitely good for something else, possibly marriage.
> ...


I dont know. I am kind of the type to say just go for it and deal with any unpleasantness after.. If I had thought like in your post, maybe I wouldnt have gotten divorced but then I wouldnt have my two beautiful chlidren and may have spent all that time I was married alone or with someone perhaps that I was more compatible with but didnt love as much. (What I thought was love at least.) I don't know, if you love someone, I think part of the challenge of love is to learn to blend your lives despite your differences. If you want someone "totally" compatible then you should just love yourself if you know what I mean. I mean, maybe I'm not understanding you but I'd think the only need to look for being filled is to be loved in return besides perhaps companionship. (Which most people need for happiness.) If you are getting into a relationship for any other reason then it would be like a marriage of convenience would it not? Besides the obvious topic of sex, which I'd think would drive most relationships. Though sex is not really a need, isnt it like practically the whole purpose of relationships? (of course there's getting older and perhaps no sex then, but I'm thinking younger people in relationships.) I guess this is where compatibility comes into play the most, when sex isnt such a factor? But do you really want to base your life on an undetermined future?


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## BenevolentBitterBleeding (Mar 16, 2015)

Makes sense. Sounds similar to the advice about not being too codependent in relationships; or even to not start one if you're not yet 'an independent' half. As mentioned too, those seeking short term flings wouldn't have to think about these things either; nor - imo - would younger lovers that have the luxury to make more mistakes, while still finding out what is _or isn't_ suitable for them. Though I suppose _they_ might not think it a luxury if being constantly met with heartache...


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

impulsenine said:


> It's either that I have too big expectations from a relationship or you don't understand what I mean.
> 
> Okay, I'll reformulate.
> Compatibility is necessary in a relationship.
> ...


I think I kind of understand what you're saying.

Beating a dead horse:

* *





If you compare "falling in love" as desiring someone else. 

Because there must be things you desire--and maybe some of them are unmet needs or needs you had but maybe didn't even realize. 

Desire is kind of longing and it can be difficult to understand, but when you "fall for someone" you can maybe learn a little bit about your desires and what it is you are longing for.

But yes--if you are ignoring the other things, you can get into an unhappy relationship. I do believe a compromise can be good and we can also grow and develop a lot by challenging our weaknesses, but it's also important to have a firm understanding of what you want in life, even if this person wasn't here.

An example might be that someone could have a life goal of traveling the world, and another a life goal of living in a hobbit hole. So the two of them will either be able to compromise and enjoy each others life goals (honestly, I think this is turning into the plot of The Hobbit) or they are not compatible...even if they both have qualities that they long for or desire, and even if they both fulfill each others desires in other ways.

If they were together for thirty years and one of them is unhappy because they would like to stay home every Sunday and have three breakfasts like a hobbit, and the other one would like to be idk...skydiving off cliffs in Zimbabwe and then Tunesia, and then somewhere else. Then eventually they're going to look at each other like "I didn't fulfill my dreams and am unhappy now." And who wants to be that person? I don't. I don't want to keep someone from their dreams--especially someone I love.

However, if you love someone you can say "I see you want to live in Zimbabwe. I don't. But I still care about you and want you to be happy--so I think it's best if we remain friends." To me that is loving enough...perhaps more loving than other alternatives, even if it's less satisfying.

I have friends that I care about a lot--but we wouldn't be compatible for a relationship--and I am happy when I see them in a relationship that does work for them. Because they are happy. Isn't that what love is? Caring about someone and their happiness?

Lust and desire are different of course, but they can only work sometimes...much of the time, they will just be left unsatisfied. Lust isn't as important as seeing a loved one happy. Of course, eventually, it would also nice to be happy too. 

But it's not always easy to find constructive ways to satisfy lust and desire or to fulfill romantic or erotic needs or wants. 

I also think it's harder to have mature discussions around it--because of the stigma associated with desiring other people, and the idea that if you desire something you must agree to have it.




But example: I knew an SFJ who was in an unhappy relationship with (probably) an SXP. She really really wanted to have a family and a certain lifestyle. He seemed to not know what he wanted...probably, he didn't really want that responsibility. He dragged his feet and she kept assuming he'd eventually gain the same sense her friends had, and get married and have kids.
It went on for years until she's cheating on him and he's just oblivious to it, but she's deeply unhappy. No amount of compromise is probably going to really fix this--she met a guy who had wealth and who wanted a family, and they were married in less than a year. Idk what the SP she dated is doing, but he probably didn't want that anyway. 

Do I want to be the SFJ here? No. And I wouldn't cheat anyway, but I still wouldn't want to be in a relationship hoping that the guy would want what I want. And I don't want to be the SFP here either--wasting another person's time while I don't share the same passion as them (of having children and a family). 

Maybe these two were compatible in some way, but not in the bigger ways that they needed to be to be happy in life. They would have been more compatible as friends.

Maybe their relationship was still good...idk...I just know I don't want to be cheating or cheated on or stagnating or stagnating someone. 

And yet people like me have been alone the whole time whereas both these people had fucked at least each other and more. lol And since gotten married. etc. So yeah--don't listen to me. But that's my perspective on my choices.


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## impulsenine (Oct 18, 2020)

eeo said:


> @littlewyng shared this a while ago.


I don't have resources to watch it.
Could you explain the key ideas?



mia-me said:


> I look forward to how this idealistic perspective works out for you, particularly after 30 years. People change.


Most relationships or marriages don't work because of some things that were there from the beginning. Or if they weren't, at least their root was there since the beginning. I would say that relationships that fail because "we changed, we didn't fit anymore" are a minority.
And in those cases (because people change) you can't even call those "failed relationships." Because normally, a breakup in that case leaves almost no "wounds" at all.



Penny said:


> I dont know. I am kind of the type to say just go for it and deal with any unpleasantness after.. If I had thought like in your post, maybe I wouldnt have gotten divorced but then I wouldnt have my two beautiful chlidren and may have spent all that time I was married alone or with someone perhaps that I was more compatible with but didnt love as much. (What I thought was love at least.) I don't know, if you love someone, I think part of the challenge of love is to learn to blend your lives despite your differences. If you want someone "totally" compatible then you should just love yourself if you know what I mean. I mean, maybe I'm not understanding you but I'd think the only need to look for being filled is to be loved in return besides perhaps companionship. (Which most people need for happiness.) If you are getting into a relationship for any other reason then it would be like a marriage of convenience would it not? Besides the obvious topic of sex, which I'd think would drive most relationships. Though sex is not really a need, isnt it like practically the whole purpose of relationships? (of course there's getting older and perhaps no sex then, but I'm thinking younger people in relationships.) I guess this is where compatibility comes into play the most, when sex isnt such a factor? But do you really want to base your life on an undetermined future?


So basically I consider that many relationships or marriages take place with many compromises, although it should not be so. "That's not what I really want but I'm thankful for that", they are content to be 60% happy instead of aiming higher.

I now understand that not all people should have my approach. For most people, being 60% happy is already WOW. But for me it's not wow.
I'm much happier than that alone. So naturally I have much higher expectations from a relationship.
Probably what I wrote only applies to people who are like me.

But it's definitely a part of what I've written that applies all the time. Many relationships fail because people fool themselves at the beginning.
That's because love is magic, especially in the beginning. And it's easy to fall into the trap of magic.



WickerDeer said:


> I think I kind of understand what you're saying.
> 
> Beating a dead horse:
> 
> ...


The thing is I was talking about romantic relationships, not about "loving" someone as a friend.
And about the story of SFJ with SXP, I know dozens of similar stories.

The point is, I don't see anything wrong with that. As you said, maybe it's better that way "than nothing."

But in that case: treat those relationships as short-lived. Enjoy them, live them and ... that's it.

Don't get into relationships that you know would only work "short-term", in some ways, with "long-term" dreams and expectations, because there will be much more dissatisfaction than satisfaction.

I'm not saying we shouldn't get into any more relationships and we should be super safe and wait for "the One/Soulmate".
I'm just saying that we have to be careful when we fall in love, not to do it too badly, when it's not the case.

In fact, this is exactly the central idea I wanted to convey.
Be careful when you fall in love, don't do it having long-term expectations when you know that your compatibility is only enough for short-term.

For long-term it takes a lot more stuff besides: "affection, sex, compliments, appreciation, interesting discussions, quality time spent together, understanding, fun".

At least for me. I don't know, maybe I'm weird and people really are satisfied with little.


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## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

impulsenine said:


> The thing is I was talking about romantic relationships, not about "loving" someone as a friend.
> And about the story of SFJ with SXP, I know dozens of similar stories.
> 
> The point is, I don't see anything wrong with that. As you said, maybe it's better that way "than nothing."
> ...


It's clear that they weren't compatible--I don't want to just live with some SFP and not fuck him like some weird platonic/incestuous relationship. I don't want to frustrate my romantic partner into fucking other people and lying to me about it.

Seems like a massive waste of time to me, and a way to get myself all tangled up with other people who have no idea what they want or what to do about it.

But yes--she's married now because she did what is pragmatic in love..which is to treat it like a job in which you constantly send in new applications and resumes to everyone else. I just don't find that romantic.

I don't want to be spending my mental energy working through all that shit though. I would rather just be alone and focus on other things. Maybe I will be alone forever. Oh well. That's probably what I want anyway I guess. I get into enough trouble with just friendships.

Imo if you can't love someone like a friend you probably can't be in a successful relationship with them either. 

I'm not satisfied with less than you--I just choose not to pursue relationships in which I am expected to be satisfied with less--because I would rather be alone. At least that is my thinking.


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## ENFPathetic (Apr 3, 2018)

Values, lifestyle and attraction. You don't want to put too many requirements on people. If your values and lifestyles are compatible and you find each other attractive, everything else can be worked out with a bit of creativity or failing that some compromise. That's including goals and dreams.

I don't think it's important to dissect the underlying reason for why you fell in love with someone. I don't agree with that point. But I agree that it's important to choose the right person to fall in love with.


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## Ewok City (Sep 21, 2020)

Falling in love should happen naturally, but I agree that we should choose carefully who we fall for. Because once we fall for someone, we will instinctively take a bullet for them, and so we need to make sure that they won't recklessly jump in front of a bullet!

In my culture, we have the term for this: "Three-views alignment", that is:
1. How we view the world
2. Core values and principles
3. How we view life

Only when all of them aligns, a relationship will be smooth. Else a compromise is needed.


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## ENFPathetic (Apr 3, 2018)

Ewok City said:


> Falling in love should happen naturally, but I agree that we should choose carefully who we fall for. Because once we fall for someone, we will instinctively take a bullet for them, and so we need to make sure that they won't recklessly jump in front of a bullet!
> 
> In my culture, we have the term for this: "Three-views alignment", that is:
> 1. How we view the world
> ...


That is dope. Where are you from?


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## Ewok City (Sep 21, 2020)

ENFPathetic said:


> That is dope. Where are you from?


Thanks! 

I'm from Indonesia, but my family are immigrants. Those are Chinese sayings that our teachers used to tell us all the time, when looking for a partner. Doesn't necessarily have to be a romantic one!


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