# How can we "cold blooded" INTxs get a girl/boyfriend?



## Solrac026 (Mar 6, 2012)

I've been wanting to date someone for several months now, but I just can't seem to get a date. I could just blame it on the lack of effort, but that would be no fun. I just get a lot of thoughts running through my head, relationships do not compute very well. Even if this stuff were to make sense, my lack/style or communication would be stand in the way. I did have a gf, for 5 years, it was great. The only reason is that she found me (she was smitten when I held the door open for her like a gentleman). 

I know INTxs have been described as crunchy on the outside, soft on the inside; I would describe myself like that. Am I the only one who thinks I can't hold onto a girl long enough to make her see that I'm an awesome and loving guy? Are we just supposed to wait until we stumble in that special girl or until a girl stumbles onto us? If you have a girlfriend, how did you find her? Did you have to fake until you made it in terms of communication early in the relationship?

Also, what is your love language? Maybe not all INTxs are bad at communicating verbally, but I certainly am.


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## Navi (Jul 8, 2012)

Eh, don't be desperate for a relationship. 
Like the saying goes, be careful what you wish for. @Paradox1987 has some pretty good advice on this topic.


And I'm also very bad at communicating verbally, OP, but I click well with INTJs, so...just wait for that INTP girl? :tongue: But no, I wouldn't sweat it so much. It shouldn't be a top priority.


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## Toristar (Aug 20, 2012)

Solrac026 said:


> I've been wanting to date someone for several months now, but I just can't seem to get a date. I could just blame it on the lack of effort, but that would be no fun. I just get a lot of thoughts running through my head, relationships do not compute very well. Even if this stuff were to make sense, my lack/style or communication would be stand in the way. I did have a gf, for 5 years, it was great. The only reason is that she found me (she was smitten when I held the door open for her like a gentleman).
> 
> I know INTxs have been described as crunchy on the outside, soft on the inside; I would describe myself like that. Am I the only one who thinks I can't hold onto a girl long enough to make her see that I'm an awesome and loving guy? Are we just supposed to wait until we stumble in that special girl or until a girl stumbles onto us? If you have a girlfriend, how did you find her? Did you have to fake until you made it in terms of communication early in the relationship?
> 
> Also, what is your love language? Maybe not all INTxs are bad at communicating verbally, but I certainly am.



Hi. I am new to this site. But maybe I can give you some advice. I used to think that me finding someone that would understand my awkwardness and "coldness" as you call it would be tough too. I'm an INTJ woman(22 yrs.) and I am currently in a fulfilling and understanding relationship with a man who is kind, empathetic and a gentleman. We met through a mutual friend of ours who suggested I would like him (he was one of her good male friends). The way it happened for us was that we began talking on social network sites and through texts before we even went out on a date. I fell for his charm and friendliness and he liked that I was witty and self-confident. We spent about three months solely interacting through this type of communication; that was what helped me open up and let him see my "soft" side. Eventually, when me and him both knew we had alot of chemistry and started noticing our minds were a good match, I asked him out to "hang out". He agreed and with just one long epic hangout (that eventually would be called a 'date') I just knew that we were right for each other. From the beginning he knew I was more guarded and shy than he was in expressing my feelings but he was patient and very understanding. As I got to know him better I opened up and let him see me more vulnerable. He got to see what I hide from most of the world and all of my awesome qualities. We have been together for almost two years now. Btw, I made him take a test and he is an ENFJ in case you want to know. 

So my advice is that you do not have to change yourself or worry so much that you will not be able to communicate with a woman when you meet her. I know meeting people is hard and that sometimes verbal communication is challenging, but it is possible to show her all of your good qualities in other ways. In my case I used technology to communicate what I wanted my current BF to know about me. It was less stressful and more comfortable to be open this way. Regardless, I think that if you are truly ready for a relationship you just need to to happen naturally. If you are constantly looking for someone and worrying whether or not she will be able to see through your shell you are only going to stress yourself out. I hope someone is out there for you who will be patient and not NEED for you to be an expert conversationalist from the beginning (at least about feelings and your qualities). Be patient

To answer you questions:

I think that you can hold on to a girl long enough for her to get to know you, but it has to be the right girl. You should also maybe think about being their friend first. It is more casual and they can learn you are an "awesome and loving guy". One of my first relationships began that way. He eventually turned into my best friend and a few months later we were dating. 

In my case I stumbled across my current BF. From the moment we started talking we both just new we had found someone special. We got each other almost too well and complement each other. But that does not mean that you have to wait forever until a girl worthy of you comes into your life. You have to be proactive too. I would suggest you try to socialize more at places that have things that interest you (bookstores, cafes, the beach, museums, etc). For example, if you like reading, how about striking a conversation with a librarian at a library? Maybe she would know someone who shares the same interests as you and is single. Friends and acquaintances might be helpful too. Ask them if they know anyone or start going out with them more. 

I already explained how I found him. 

I dont know if it is faking, but I did have to be more outgoing than usual and push myself to talk about myself. It wasn't so bad though. Felt like I was out of my element, but that was about it. Best way I could describe it is that I had to fool myself into thinking he was a close friend of mine and not a stranger who could judge me. And I kept reminding myself that even if he hated me I would be fine. 

For your last question, I am not terribly bad at communicating verbally. But the catch is that it is only when I want to. lol I am much better at writing. However, I have not had alot of problems with my current BF. My biggest problem is that sometimes I become very quiet and introspective when I am angry/annoyed at him. But he usually picks up on it and asks me what is wrong. sometimes he has to ask me several times until I "feel like" talking about it. But he is always patient and knows I am thinking. Sometimes all it takes is for him to hold me for me to spill what is on my mind. Sometimes he asks me to say "I love you" or asks me how I feel about something (like about a gift he bought or if I missed him)and I feel kinda awkward that he is asking and get embarrassed. But overall communicating verbally is not as big of an issue with him usually. He is really patient and finds ways to get me to talk. I show my love through physical affection, doing things together with him, making him a priority, and doing things that make him happy (like cleaning his room while he naps). I do express love through words too, but it's mainly my actions that show it. Like I will remember he likes macadamia nut cookies at the store and bring him some. Or he knows that when I go to a huge group event I am doing it for him. However, I do have to say that with my ex communicating verbally was a nightmare. He would get frustrated with my silence (like if I was busy and he kept bothering me for attention) or the fact what I said was confusing to him (it felt like I had to dumb-down my complex, interconnected thoughts for him because he "did not get" what I meant). Also, with him I always felt misunderstood and judged by what I tried to communicate verbally. He did not have the patience (and, sadly, the brain) to understand my words or other attempts to express love. One time I made him a huge dinner and spent the whole day with him and he still had the nerve the next day to say I never say I like him. Unlike him, my current BF knows that just because I am quiet and busy it does not mean I am ignoring him. And he knows that I show my appreciation and love through actions, not just through long, heartfelt mushiness. 

Overall, I would say to be patient, try working on your social skills if you can, and realize that not everyone you meet will be understanding/patient enough to get to know how you express your feelings/thoughts. However, people do exist out there for us that we can be in romantic relationships with. Do not lose hope.


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## MegaTuxRacer (Sep 7, 2011)

Find an insecure one and employ your intimidation and manipulation tactics.

Iunno, I think that you will become more socially aware through life, and you will eventually find someone who knows you aren't a heartless bastard.


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## Konigsberg (May 10, 2012)

Just be yourself, and eventually you'll come across a someone who likes you exactly like that. Worked for me. I found someone who likes discussing things as much as I do, and we don't expect the other to second-guess what we want or what we're thinking, we just say it.


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## Emerson (Mar 13, 2011)

ISFP friend invites enfp friend round. 6months later, I'm a happy man.


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## Pianoasis (Nov 10, 2011)

Navi said:


> Eh, don't be desperate for a relationship.
> Like the saying goes, be careful what you wish for. @_Paradox1987_ has some pretty good advice on this topic.
> 
> 
> And I'm also very bad at communicating verbally, OP, but I click well with INTJs, so...just wait for that INTP girl? :tongue: But no, I wouldn't sweat it so much. It shouldn't be a top priority.


Exactly what she said, relationships aren't that important and most of this stuff just comes to you in time so don't worry about it.


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## Pianoasis (Nov 10, 2011)

Solrac026 said:


> Also, what is your love language? Maybe not all INTxs are bad at communicating verbally, but I certainly am.


Do you have any conversations on memory that didn't really go the right way that you'll share?


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## adornedbygrace (Sep 2, 2012)

I am an istj married to an intj man. He swept me off my feet. He showed so much interest in who I am as a person that I knew I didn't want to live without him. Now that we're married for 8 years this month it has been a challenge. He is a very direct person and I am not. He easily offends others and cuts them off. He is very unforgiving. I am loyal and forgive easily, so it became a choose me or chose this person, even for just staying in touch...the unsensativity can be heart breaking. People don't understand his direct, intimidating nature, but I know his soft side. I know his insecurities. I don't know much about what we're supposed to be like, personality wise. If he were my boss or I knew him on a level other than romantic or friendship he would be super intimidating, but because I know he loves me deeply, though he can be direct with me, I've never felt too intimidated to back down, although he's more stubborn than me, and I want the fight to end, so I usually ack down eventually. I drive him crazy and vice versa. You might like an istj and they might like you, but don't expect it to be an easy relationship!


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## adornedbygrace (Sep 2, 2012)

Scratch that. I'm new to this forum, and after reading what other istj's are I realize I'm more isfj, so maybe an intj would do okay with an isfj, probably because of the forgiving nature.


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## Solrac026 (Mar 6, 2012)

adornedbygrace said:


> I am an istj married to an intj man. He swept me off my feet. He showed so much interest in who I am as a person that I knew I didn't want to live without him. Now that we're married for 8 years this month it has been a challenge. He is a very direct person and I am not. He easily offends others and cuts them off. He is very unforgiving. I am loyal and forgive easily, so it became a choose me or chose this person, even for just staying in touch...the unsensativity can be heart breaking. People don't understand his direct, intimidating nature, but I know his soft side. I know his insecurities. I don't know much about what we're supposed to be like, personality wise. If he were my boss or I knew him on a level other than romantic or friendship he would be super intimidating, but because I know he loves me deeply, though he can be direct with me, I've never felt too intimidated to back down, although he's more stubborn than me, and I want the fight to end, so I usually ack down eventually. I drive him crazy and vice versa. You might like an istj and they might like you, but don't expect it to be an easy relationship!


Yeah, INTJ's can be brutally honest, especially with our SO. I expect my SO to understand me and accept me, so I tend to hold back much less (or not at all) with my SO than with strangers. My ex was an INFJ and we had a great relationship. Even though I was brutal with my words, I was always very affectionate. She was very forgiving and loving as well.


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## Cetanu (Jan 20, 2012)

@Solrac026

Exactly how many females have you asked out on a date?


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## downsowf (Sep 12, 2011)

Send her dick pics.


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## MegaTuxRacer (Sep 7, 2011)

downsowf said:


> Send her dick pics.


You said those were only for me. :sad:


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## downsowf (Sep 12, 2011)

MegaTuxRacer said:


> You said those were only for me. :sad:


works every time


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## Tea Path (Sep 5, 2012)

Married to an INTJ. Met through mutual friends. Stayed together for our cerebral conversations and the geekiness. We started talking, had a lot of commonalities, and, at the end of the night, he took a chance and asked for my number.

Find someone, first and foremost that shares your interests. Be ready to put yourself out there a little. An interested woman is going to meet you at least 1/2 way.


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## Death Persuades (Feb 17, 2012)

I'm with an INFP. Seems impossible, but I assure you it's not. It wasn't even planned... Just kind of happened. When you least expect it, someone will pop up... maybe.


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## slashandz (Aug 24, 2012)

I've dated so many ENFP's.... another one came on to me last week. Agh.
They seem to find INTP's deep and reflective. They want to break us out of our shells.
But they really don't offer much substance in return.

I would love love love to meet a cute NT girl. But I don't even know where to find those. 
Regardless, I'm going to be keeping an eye on this thread.


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## 7even (Oct 17, 2012)

In rural areas of Africa, there exists tribes in which the men paint themselves, wear jewelry, and dance to win the hearts of women.

I suggest you take advantage of living in modern society and do the following:
1. Paint yourself with high quality Western paint.
2. Buy high quality and expensive jewelry.
3. Sign up for some dancing classes.
4. Once you're done with 1-3, buy a plane ticket, and make your way to Africa!
5. Learn to speak the native language; however, this is optional, as some tribal ladies find the English language to be very sexually stimulating.

So, just follow my advice, and you'll have a woman in no time!


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## KINGJADEX (Jan 27, 2012)

We're destined to be loners for life. Just accept it.


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