# Dear Heather



## Sina (Oct 27, 2010)

Dear @Heather,

You are incredibly witty, and I love it. I have been away from my boyfriend for 6 months now, and I will be seeing him in about two months. I am writing a set of poems for him, but I don't believe that it's enough. I want to show him how much I love by gifting him something romantic. I have brought him an antique dagger (not very romantic, I know)and a beautiful persian rug. Can you think of some romantic gift ideas? I want it to be very special.


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## MissJordan (Dec 21, 2010)

Does anyone else find this creepy?

Or am I just _that _paranoid?


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## Sina (Oct 27, 2010)

MissJordan said:


> Does anyone else find this creepy?
> 
> Or am I just _that _paranoid?


You are definitely paranoid. I think it's cute. The official Agony Aunt thread. Heather, excuse the obsolete terminology.


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## Kriash (May 5, 2011)

I think this thread is slightly weird, however, I do see that it was started with good intentions, so I appreciate that.
As far as the whole INTJ humor being dark, sarcastic, and sometimes making fun of others- I am one of the most sensitive people in the world, but sometimes you just have to laugh at yourself and laugh at others. I do think there is a difference with saying something in a joking manner that someone may take offense to, and saying something purely out of spite, or to make someone feel badly. If someone has an issue with a joke about them- I think that should be worked out between the person who said it, and the person it was about- no one else. 

Anyway,sorry to jump in your thread Heather, just my thoughts.


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## Sina (Oct 27, 2010)

It's not more 'weird' than the entire 'Advice' sub-forum.


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## Heather White Karnas (Mar 23, 2011)

Dear @hazelwitch,

Thanks for the compliments.  

Do you know your boyfriend's MBTI type? Enneagram? If so then please tell me what they are. That would help me be more specific with my answer to what I might think he'll enjoy.


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## Heather White Karnas (Mar 23, 2011)

Kriash said:


> I think this thread is slightly weird, however, I do see that it was started with good intentions, so I appreciate that.
> As far as the whole INTJ humor being dark, sarcastic, and sometimes making fun of others- I am one of the most sensitive people in the world, but sometimes you just have to laugh at yourself and laugh at others. I do think there is a difference with saying something in a joking manner that someone may take offense to, and saying something purely out of spite, or to make someone feel badly. If someone has an issue with a joke about them- I think that should be worked out between the person who said it, and the person it was about- no one else.
> 
> Anyway,sorry to jump in your thread Heather, just my thoughts.


Dear @Kriash,
So you think it's weird yet you responded to the posts the same way that I do when I read and respond to posts in this thread. You like it enough to do exactly what I am trying to do here. Respond to peoples' needs.

Thank you for apologizing for jumping in on my thread... but honestly I started it so that *I* could give my thoughts/opinions/advice not so that _you_ could... If you want to give yours then start your own Dear Kriash thread... HAHA. Just making a point.

Thanks... Have a great day 
Heather


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## Heather White Karnas (Mar 23, 2011)

MissJordan said:


> Does anyone else find this creepy?
> 
> Or am I just _that _paranoid?


Dear @MissJordan,

I do not think it is weird. What is weird about it exactly?...

By the way did you know that it has been done before? You know about the 'Dear Abby' articles in the paper? It was a very successful column... so there is obviously an audience and a demand for this kind of stuff... 

Also, it's the same thing as going to someone's thread of topic and posting about what you think... the only difference is that instead of you searching out the topic, the topic is brought to you. 

Besides it makes me happy.. so why does that bother you?


Heather


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## Sina (Oct 27, 2010)

Dear @Heather,

He is an INFJ. He is most likely a 9w1. Thanks!


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## Heather White Karnas (Mar 23, 2011)

Dear @hazelwitch ,

Upon the insight of knowing his types I would say that the best gift would be one from the heart as well as the hand... one that is handmade and personal... one that is made with love and patience... A SCRAPBOOK or a photo album of fond memories.. 

I would go with a scrap book so that you can personalize the photos and the entries with references of relevance... such as: "Remember this? the location of our first date" written beside a photo of the place ~or~ "Remember this day? When I broke that glass dish and you cleaned it up for me so wouldn't get cut?" along with a piece of the dish that was broken if you had it handy... ETC. Just some examples of what you could use.

This will be a big hit since a 9w1 loves to identify with and merge with others.. and desires union with loved ones. Also an INFJ loves orderly things or at least organized things (a scrap book is a well organized group of memories.) INFJ's hold a special place in the heart of people who they are close to, who are able to see their special gifts and depth of caring. (a scrap book will allow him to see the ways in which you admire him and appreciate who he is and what that means to you specifically.)

I hope this has helped. Have fun and I hope it's a great birthday for him. 
Heather


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## Sina (Oct 27, 2010)

Dear @Heather,

This is a great idea. Unfortunately, I am terrible at scrapbooking and don't have the greatest memory about what we did when. I have written 10 poems, and I should aim for a Neruda style 'veinte poemas de amor' project. Besides that, I still can't decide on a gift. He is very tall, so I purchased an antique stepping stool but I realize that it's more a gift for myself than for him. If you have an idea other than scrapbooking, please do share. I am thinking of purchasing a painting by one of his favourite artists. I am just not good at creating things by hand. My only talents are acting and poetry writing. 

Looking forward to your suggestions

- untalented Hazel


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## Heather White Karnas (Mar 23, 2011)

Dear @hazelwitch,

LOL. I understand. The poems are a great personalized gift. 

My mother is a type 9. She has a few favorite artists (painters) as well. She loves to recieve gifts that are by those particular artists.. however only if it is practical and goes in the space that she has for it.. in other words... she only wants it if she can use it and doesn't clash with the decor of her home. 

Maybe you should find out if he has a need/a place for the painting.. You could ask him if he thinks a painting would go good in a particular room on a particular place on the wall, or where ever. Then if he says yes and he thinks it would be good "there" then it's a go for the painting idea. 

I think the painting is a great idea since it's personalized for his taste and his favorite artist. It might be even more special if you could find one signed by the artist. You could even go the extra mile on that and have it custom framed and/or personalized especially for him with his name plaque on it.

Hope this has helped you. 
Heather


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## Sina (Oct 27, 2010)

Heather White Karnas said:


> Dear @hazelwitch,
> 
> LOL. I understand. The poems are a great personalized gift.
> 
> ...


Absolutely! Fabulous ideas about the artist's sign and personalization. I know that he can use this painting in his drawing room! This makes me very happy. I will also give him a hand written booklet of 20 poems (including erotic haikus), at least. It won't be fancy, but I'll make drawings on the last page to make him laugh. He thinks my drawings are hilarious. I am odd like that. 
Thanks!


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## Heather White Karnas (Mar 23, 2011)

hazelwitch said:


> Absolutely! Fabulous ideas about the artist's sign and personalization. I know that he can use this painting in his drawing room! This makes me very happy. I will also give him a hand written booklet of 20 poems (including erotic haikus), at least. It won't be fancy, but I'll make drawings on the last page to make him laugh. He thinks my drawings are hilarious. I am odd like that.
> Thanks!


Good. I am glad to help. 

I would like to add that I think you should personalize at least one of the poems to make it in reference to him and what he means to you personally. That way it won't seem like the gifts are a subliminal way of seeking his praise for your work... but more a gift that you want him to have that has made him feel good about _himself_... 

Don't take me wrong.. I see your interest lies in pleasing him... I am just throwing out the possibilities of something like that being misconstrued. 


Heather


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## Sina (Oct 27, 2010)

Heather White Karnas said:


> Good. I am glad to help.
> 
> I would like to add that I think you should personalize at least one of the poems to make it in reference to him and what he means to you personally. That way it won't seem like the gifts are a subliminal way of seeking his praise for your work... but more a gift that you want him to have that has made him feel good about _himself_...
> 
> ...





Oh every single poem is dedicated to him It's all about him, about my love for him and how much he means to me. Making him feel good and special, this is all I want

Thanks for further commenting on my post!


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## Arclight (Feb 10, 2010)

Dear Heather.

How come Jerks don't know they're jerks?


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## Heather White Karnas (Mar 23, 2011)

hazelwitch said:


> Oh every single poem is dedicated to him It's all about him, about my love for him and how much he means to me. Making him feel good and special, this is all I want
> 
> Thanks for further commenting on my post!


 That is beautiful! I love it! Go for it. He will love it too I'm sure.

Happy birthday to him. 
Heather


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## Heather White Karnas (Mar 23, 2011)

Dear @Arclight,

This question is very vague. Could you be more specific about your issue? I would be glad to indulge you in an answer to that question, given the privilege of understanding the context.


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## Heather White Karnas (Mar 23, 2011)

Arclight said:


> Dear Heather.
> 
> How come Jerks don't know they're jerks?


Dear @Arclight ,

This question is very vague. Could you be more specific about your issue? I would be glad to indulge you in an answer to that question, given the privilege of understanding the context.


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## JoetheBull (Apr 29, 2010)

Dear Heather,

I am having a hard time trying to figure out what it is I really want and want to do with my life. Relationship wise I have never been in one and not really sure why exactly I want one so badly and fear that I will never be in one. Career wise I am somewhat all over the place. Part of me wants to draw and write comics/graphic novels, and even experiment with making a video game and animation of a cartoon. I am still not very good with drawing and I get frustrated and impatient with myself at times. My writing is so so. Not able to describe that well, make lots of spelling mistakes, and sometimes words seem to go missing. I seem to come up with various characters, story concepts, and ideas with little effort. Been basically doing that since I was a kid. A lot of other career ideas have been more science oriented like engineering, computer science, and biology. I am very curious and like learning about various subjects. But I sometimes get the feeling that I would only like to know about the subjects more and would be unhappy actually working in any of those fields. Sorry if this probably just seems like I am blabbering and not making the most sense. But any insight would be apprenticed


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## Heather White Karnas (Mar 23, 2011)

Dear @JoetheBull,

I have read your letter and have also read up on your personality type as well as your enneagram type and here is what I think based on those insights:

You have described yourself very true to your type. INTP's are likely to express themselves in what they believe to be absolute truths. Sometimes, their well thought-out understanding of an idea is not easily understandable by others. They may be prone to abandoning a project once they have figured it out, moving on to the next thing. It's important that you as an INTP place importance on expressing your developed theories in understandable ways. In the end, an amazing discovery means nothing if you are the only person who understands it. This may impact the fact that your ideas have not been brought to fruition by you. 

I was thinking as soon as I read your letter that you should find someone with the same interests in comics and writing style as you (also maybe someone with some experience in publishing their work) so that you can bounce ideas off of each other.. ideas such as: publishing recommendations, comic type as I understand there are very many, story endings, editing, development, etc. However I also read that an INTP is at his best when he can work on his theories independently. When given an environment which supports his creative genius and possible eccentricity, the INTP can accomplish truly remarkable things. But this doesn't have to mean that you should do everything on your own *or* that you should do anything with someone else. Pick and chose resources that will catapult your ideas into a finished project. Then evaluate it's success and tweak the next project to become more successful than each of the previous. Don't be afraid to seek and utilize resources such as the advice and recommendations of a seasoned successful writer. Friends and people with the same interest as you may also be able to help you develop your concepts into a great story with the appropriate system in which to use to make it acceptable for publishing. 

Such road blocks as; trouble with spelling/grammar/thought or idea presentation can be thwarted with programs like "Dragon" which may be of great use to you as well as any writer of any kind. It is a voice recognition program that translates your voice commands and words into text. You could then go back and use Microsoft word or other available writing tools to edit and correct the grammar and spelling. 

It sounds to me like you may be in a rut. You could be feeling a little down on yourself right now because you are at the ripe age of 29 (as I read on your profile) and haven’t chosen, let alone gotten established in, a career that suits you. No worries though. Many artists (I see writing as an art) feel the exact same way. You are still young and able to become vested in a successful career and love life. It's not too late.

I hope that once you feel that you have successfully finished a project such as a published comic/graphic novel, or a degree in the sciences or whatever studies interest you, you can find your place in the field of your expertise and become happy and make it profitable for you. Again to do this it will take finding and utilizing resources and trusting those resources to guide you to that point. Talk to your school counselors and leaders. Talk to people who have successful careers in the fields that you would like to see yourself in. Open up the possibilities and explore them. Open yourself up and don’t shy away from your dreams. I say this assuming that you are primarily introverted and this could have caused some stunting in your growth. (If you have been trying to be too independent and closed off to the world around you.) 

Once you feel accomplished within yourself you will find the love of someone who sees your prominence and your self-prestige and love you for the same. Most people/women want to be a part of something like that. It will happen when you are finished with whatever it is that you still have to accomplish in _this_ "life-lesson"… whatever that lesson may be. We can not move onto what we want until we are ready for it by completing the lessons that give us the tools that we need to be able to handle the next level in our lives. If we seek out what it is we want and we get it prematurely we still have to go back and finish the previous task.... only now we do it with an extra burden of holding onto that which we do not want to lose in the process. I hope this makes sense.

I honestly believe that if it is a healthy fulfilling love life that you want, and you do what you should to be a propitious man it will come to you…. and if it doesn’t then it will be there when you go looking for it… if your life is in it’s position to receive it. But you will not be alone forever. Keep your heart and eyes open.

I hope this has helped you. Good luck with all of your endeavors.

Sincerely,
Heather


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## Olena (Jan 2, 2011)

Dear Heather, (I have no clue how to tag someone in a post)

I have 2 problems. 

The first is related to my relationship. I love my boyfriend a lot but we seem to have fights, that verge on a break-up, every 2 weeks. Sometimes weekly.
We practice good communication, but he tends to be the catalyst for most of the fights. (although I have started a few with my bad moods)
I know when he's stressed out in regards to work/school, he gets moody and then it brings out he's insecure side and he sometimes throws around dumb accusations. Is there any way I can...work with this?
I don't want us to separate, but it gets difficult.
Just last week he was considering seriously leaving me because I wasn't open enough with him. I've made an effort to change and things were fine but now he's just creating problems randomly.
And I know if I leave him, he's just going to send me some huge apology and expect that to work things out. >_>; If it helps, he's an INTP and he tests as a Type 6/7 in the enneagram.

The second is in relation to a career-choice. I'm struggling figuring out what I want to do with my life, in terms of making money and survival and all those mundane things.
Money isn't a massive goal for me, but I would like to do *something* that allows me to get by.
I love the arts, but the only thing I do is write. I sometimes take photos, buuut....I wouldn't go wild over it. (I'm also terrible at drawing and I've never really tried acting). 

So far, I've considered taking a photography course and a video editing course...but...

...how can I get a better understanding of myself to broaden my possible skill set? Everywhere, they always say to 'make a list of your skills' but I'm not sure what mine are. Should I try doing different things and see if I have a talent for them...? I've done career tests and they've pretty much pointed me in the writing/photography/programming areas, but I want a broader choice spectrum.

It might be because, well, making a living via writing is difficult; you have to be really good. I write mostly as a form of self-expression...

I'm a total noob when it comes to this career choice thing. My parents' upbringing of me has been pretty...disinterested. They've never helped me in anything and my life experiences are minimal.


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## Sina (Oct 27, 2010)

@Olena , just [email protected] before username (no space) to mention/tag someone


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## Heather White Karnas (Mar 23, 2011)

Dear @Olena,

I have read your letter and for some reason it is a challenge for me. Maybe it is because I don't think that my advice on this matter will be what you are looking for at this time ~or~ maybe because it will go against what you want to do. However I am going to be as honest as I can with my point of view... as far as advice goes, I will advise you as well rounded as I can based on your needs and what you have said your goals are.

The first topic: your relationship.... 
In my real opinion since you seem young and therefore hopefully not as invested into this relationship as say a marriage and children I am going to have to say that it would not be wise to continue suffering in it if he is creating problems. Here is why I say that. You are at a point in your life that you want to figure out where you are going and where you want to go. You are being distracted by your boyfriend's problems and the issues with him. You are an INTP as well as he is. This means that you will have a tendency to be an introspective type of person. This will come across as too closed up and not open enough. It seems like you have decided that he has a good point and so have tried to please him and grow within yourself by opening up more... therefore making yourself more vulnerable since this approach to life and relationships is not your strong point. If he has rejected your effort to grow in this area and has been unsupportive by creating random problems that cause fights and issues then this is an unhealthy interaction. Knowing what I know now, wishing I would have known a long time ago, if it were me, I would not settle or hold out for someone who has such a lack of empathy or respect for me. Life is short. These types of distractions are unnecessary. In a healthy relationship (the only kind worth working for) it should be productive and life enhancing. Not that relationships aren't hard or taxing sometimes. But that the issues should be legit and able to be worked out with love, respect, and teamwork. Not by one or the other person. Once in a while one or the other partner will carry the weight in the relationship but not always and it shouldn't be only one doing all the changing/compromising/understanding.

However you have stated that you do not want to split up. I believe that your enneagram type four has a part to play in this statement from you. When moving in their Direction of Disintegration (*stress*), aloof Fours suddenly become _over-involved and clinging_ at Two. I believe that the relationship is causing stress for you. And why wouldn't it? On the edge of breaking up and working it out every week is a high stress situation. It gets confusing and halts development in one's life. You don't know what you are doing and therefore don't know what you are going to do. The key is figuring out what you need to do to better yourself and doing that. It would become much more clear to you what you want and how to get it if you were in a nurturing relationship or not in one at all. 

If you see yourself or want to be married to this guy for the rest of your life then I might be more apt to saying definitely work it out with him. If this is what you decide to do then I believe you are asking for a lot of work. He seems to have issues that he needs to deal with before supporting a happy relationship. Weather those issues are with you, because of you, or because of some outside source. He too seems young and would do well to strengthen himself in the areas of communication and stress management so he can be an asset in your life as well as his own. He needs to take the initiative to listen to you about your needs and try to come to an agreement with you on a plan for the both of you to meet each other's needs, as well as a plan to strengthen your weaknesses as individuals and as a couple. Counceling would be a great tool for this type of planning. If he is not capable of/open to this then you will be doing most of the work. I would also advise that the both of you study together how your personality types/enneagram types/love language types interact with each other to gain a better understanding of one another.

As far as picking a career....
Fours' key motivators are: want to express themselves and their individuality, to create and surround themselves with beauty, to maintain certain moods and feelings, to withdraw to protect their self-image, to take care of emotional needs before attending to anything else... This sounds much like a photographer's field of dreams. As a photographer you would be able to seek out and surround yourself with beauty. You could have alone time to think and be introspective while working. It is artistic therefore allowing you to express yourself creatively. It can be lucrative if you can find a great/consistent buyer of your work or call on the resources available to you to help launch a career and make a good living in this field. 

I also like the idea of writing as a form of self expression.. I think that this pretty much explains the artistic side of writing such as poems and the like. If I were going to chose a career as a writer I would find out where the market is for my style of writing, how to reach the demographic that I am interested in reaching with my work, and work with a great marketer to get my work out there and noticed. I think that writings from the heart of another person are the most beautiful, especially if it is inspired by their own life experiences. Song writing is an example of this, as well as published diaries.

I wish you all the best. You are young, you will make mistakes but you will eventually figure out what makes you happy and provides for your lifestyle. I encourage you to be proactive and determined in your search for *your* happiness, health, and prosperity.

Hope this has been helpful. BTW I love your avatar. 
Heather


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## Olena (Jan 2, 2011)

I wish I could push the 'Thanks' button *several more* times!! 
Thank you for taking the time out to help me!

I think your advice sounds amazing and I'm definitely going to take it. I actually learnt a lot regarding myself...the whole 'leaning towards type 2 when stressed'...I had no clue and it definitely sounds like me. :|

I think splitting up is definitely for the best. It's just influencing me too negatively. And he thinks enneagrams are lame. Ugh, he's not very open-minded...but whatever. It's definitely becoming too much for me.

I'm going to see what I can do in regards to my career. I'll have to look around and I think I'll enroll in a photography course, or at the very least, do it more often and see if I can be good enough to make a career out of it.

Thank you again! =)))


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## Heather White Karnas (Mar 23, 2011)

Olena said:


> I wish I could push the 'Thanks' button *several more* times!!
> Thank you for taking the time out to help me!
> 
> I think your advice sounds amazing and I'm definitely going to take it. I actually learnt a lot regarding myself...the whole 'leaning towards type 2 when stressed'...I had no clue and it definitely sounds like me. :|
> ...


 You are very welcome. I hope that once the struggle of getting out of a long term/serious relationship subsides your thoughts and desires become clearer for you, and that your focus is directed towards great things. I hope you live up to all of the potential that you possess... in love, in wealth, in health, in spirituality, in life!

Good luck.


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## SilentScream (Mar 31, 2011)

Dear Heather,

Thank You for this thread.

That's all for today 

It's people like you who make people like me happy to be a part of it.

Regards,

SS [guess SS is catching on faster than SilentScream which doesn't work as well as Jawz]


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## Snakecharmer (Oct 26, 2010)

@Heather White Karnas

Here's one for you...

I own a cleaning company.

I have been cleaning for a woman I'll call Jill for several months now. I also clean for her adult daughter ("Jane"). They live on the same street and I do both houses every other Monday.

This morning Jill's husband was home - this is only the second time he's been home when I've been there to clean. The last time was the last cleaning two weeks ago.

Today while I was cleaning the master bathroom, he came in and said, "I hope you don't find this inappropriate, but do you mind if I kiss you?" 

I was completely stunned and said I would mind, and asked him if this was some kind of a joke. He said "No, it is not a joke...I find you very attractive and want to kiss you...can I?" Again, I said no, and reminded him that his wife was right downstairs and said that I am not available. He cornered me a bit and came closer, and tried to touch my face but I moved aside.

He handed me a piece of paper and left the room. It was a $100 bill and his phone number. 

I thought about leaving but didn't know how I'd explain that to his wife...she's very sweet, and the whole thing was so strange and awkward. 

He came back upstairs and said he didn't mean to make me uncomfortable. I asked if his wife knew that he was talking to me (thought maybe they had some kind of arrangement) and he said no. Then he said "I've never cheated on my wife, but I would for you - I'd love to have an affair with you - just think about it, okay?"

I said no, that I would not think about it, and that I am very happy in my relationship and that I adore his wife and daughter. 

He said, "Well, just think about it" and left.

Thankfully, he and his wife left after that and I was able to finish the house and get the heck out.

I thought the $100 bill was payment for today, but when I went downstairs I saw my payment on the counter in an envelope (his wife always leaves it that way).

I went back upstairs and left the $100 bill and the paper with his phone number on his nightstand. 

At this point, I think I should drop them as clients, but how? It will mean that I'll have to drop the daughter too, since they live two houses apart and I'll need to use an excuse like I am no longer servicing their area.

How would you handle this?


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## Heather White Karnas (Mar 23, 2011)

Dear @Snakecharmer,

I have read your letter and here is my response to your situation....

If it were me in your position. This is what I would absolutely do, and would want done for me if my cleaning girl had a similar experience with my man:

I would take that $100 bill and keep until it can be presented in it's due time. I would arrange a private meeting with his wife without telling him that I have done so. I would make a record of that day's events in as much detail as I can remember such as: time/date/day of week that it happened, what the wife and child were doing at the time, what you were doing at the time, what room it was in, what you and he were wearing that day, your exact reaction and his, How long between the time he approached you and the time he tried to redeem himself after he left the room, how long it took before they all left the house, etc.. as many details as you can remember. I would take that $100 bill with his hand writing on it and show her and tell her what happened in detail, giving her the recorded account of what exactly happened. I would ask her what she wanted to do about it, and weather or not she wanted to try to catch him up in it. I would ask her if she wanted to try to set up some surveillance (teddy bear cam) to prove his atrocity. Then I would take her cues and develop a plan with her to catch him being unfaithful to his wife and let her make the call on what to do about it when she gets her proof. 

I would absolutely keep this to myself and not make it a dramatic gossip topic at all to anyone!! This is a very private/intimate/serious matter (possibly a legal one in the end if divorce is pursued) and should be handled as such. If the beans are to be spilled about their situation let them be spilled by her. But for your own restitution I would keep my own record of all accounts from the beginning to the end just in case you need to attest to any of it in the future. Like a personal diary of events and details leaving nothing out.

Of coarse I would set limitations like how far you are willing to go in the scheme and what your boundaries are as the bait. I would make sure that she understands that you aren't willing to entrap him in ways such as flirting, or wearing skimpy clothes, or enticement... because these things can make it easier for her to disregard his disloyalty to her with a little confession and a sorrowful plea of mercy from him if he begged her forgiveness.... Let him hang himself on camera/audio recording without any provocation from you. Also try to remember that it _wasn't_ you or her and nor _is_ it either of you putting you in that position.. it is and was him. So he asked for it. Plus if he never approaches you again then you still have your job and no harm no foul.

I believe that she definitely needs to know.. especially since you have stated that you have respect/admiration for her and her family. This is the way I would let her know. Be forewarned however that the end result may not be what you would do about the situation if it were your man. Also that you may be cut out of the whole situation and their lives in the end after all. I assume that this would be acceptable for you anyways since you have already stated that you are willing and ready to remove yourself from them and the situation now. 

Good luck. Please let me know what you decide to do and what the outcome was as I am interested in that part as well.


Heather


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## Snakecharmer (Oct 26, 2010)

Heather White Karnas said:


> I would take that $100 bill and keep until it can be presented in it's due time.
> 
> I would absolutely keep this to myself and not make it a dramatic gossip topic at all to anyone!! This is a very private/intimate/serious matter (possibly a legal one in the end if divorce is pursued) and should be handled as such.
> 
> ...


Thanks 

I left the $100 bill and the note on his nightstand...so I don't have any proof at all; just my word against his.

I feel like she should know, but there are so many risks involved with that...

I am a member of a cleaning forum too, and asked my question there too. They all agree that I need to drop them as clients, but some say I should call and tell the wife that her husband made me uncomfortable, etc, and some say to just say I'm not handling their territory anymore.

This is hard...and I'm so mad about it...


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## Heather White Karnas (Mar 23, 2011)

Snakecharmer said:


> Thanks
> 
> I left the $100 bill and the note on his nightstand...so I don't have any proof at all; just my word against his.
> 
> ...


With or without proof I hold my original idea on this matter. Even if I did decide to drop them as clients and not be of any help to her to get the proof she needed I would still arrange a meeting with her and explain the goings on in detail. I wouldn't call her and be vague at all. I'm sure that you wouldn't want a woman being vague with you about your husband. I know I wouldn't. I would want someone to be upfront and honest about the whole situation with me. 

I wish you luck.

Heather


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## Blazing_Glitter (Sep 13, 2011)

Dear *@**Heather White Karnas 

Firstly, thank you for this thread. I have enjoyed reading your advice. You seem very insightful.

My question is about romance between myself (ENFP) and my partner (INTJ). We have very different views on what is and is not romantic. I'm curious if you've any suggestions for meeting in the middle happily?

Thank you!
*


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## Heather White Karnas (Mar 23, 2011)

Blazing_Glitter said:


> Dear *@**Heather White Karnas
> 
> Firstly, thank you for this thread. I have enjoyed reading your advice. You seem very insightful.
> 
> ...


I am so sorry for not getting back to this sooner.. I did not get any notifications that I had a mention. I just checked it and saw that I had a letter that I hadn't responded to. I will get on this asap and get back to you.

Thanks,
Heather


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## Heather White Karnas (Mar 23, 2011)

Dear @Blazing_Glitter,
I have read your letter and I would like to recommend a quick and simple solution. I hope it is not too disappointing that I don't have a more elaborate answer to this for you.

I would recommend that you and your INTJ buy and read together (taking the quiz) the book "5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman or another book by an author that you trust within the same context. Do the suggestions to improve your love communication issues and strategies. It is so important for not only you two to understand each other but for you to understand your own selves and your own needs as well. I think this is a very good way to further your education about yourselves and improve on your relationship with each other.

INTJ's are always striving to improve themselves and their relationships. So hopefully he will be up for it. 

I hope this has helped you. If you would like some personal advice on the matter from me in particular I could be of more help with a little more insight into your relationship.

Have a great day. 
Heather


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## Inky (Dec 2, 2008)

Dear @Heather White Karnas,
I find it hard to have close friends. Unless I take care to keep a certain emotional distance I always end up feeling disillusioned and depressed. Even over little things. I don't show it but I feel it... I think I might have unrealistic expectations of others. I know that human beings are essentially wired to be selfish at times and people are entitled to their emotions and I have to accept it as a part of life, but it's still difficult for me. Is this just a part of growing up? Do you know how I could possibly get over this and maybe some ways I can teach myself to face reality a bit more? Thanks


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## Heather White Karnas (Mar 23, 2011)

Dear @penpaperaser ,

I have a very soft heart and a forgiving nature as well. I have always gotten my feelings hurt easily. The only time that I don't get my feelings hurt is when I don't care much about the afflictive person. I think it might be an ENFP trait... I'm not sure. A lot of people have accused me of being insecure or having low self esteem because of this trait. I don't know if that's the case or not.... but it is worth looking into.

As you age, go through hurtful trials, and get through them you will see how strong/great you are. Your skin will grow thicker because of that. You will also find the value in yourself and your true friends will uplift you in that. True friends will not continually disappoint you and damage you. If they do then you should assess what their true intentions are for being friends with you. Is it for their own selfish reasons? Peer status? Monetary gain? Ego boost? Nothing better to do? Do they enhance your life when things are good for them? Or do they just come around when they are down? A real friend or someone who cares about you wants to be an asset to you and not a mooch off you for anything... not squeezing you dry of: money, self esteem, peer status, time, etc. They want to build you up and not ever allow you to be torn down. I don't think there's a problem with a friend needing you for something.. as in fair trade. But that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about a selfish exchange where more is expected of you than is offered to you. I believe that it is important to set your standards and keep them... for anyone that you open your heart to. It's up to you how high or low those standards are.

If a friend has hurt you and you discuss it with them and they feel bad and try to make it right with you then most likely it was a misunderstanding and more easily forgivable/work-out-able. No one is perfect and even someone who loves you is capable of hurting you. That doesn't always mean that they don't deserve your heart.. only that you need to be cautious to make sure that they are deserving of it before they get it all back. I believe in second chances. However after having been abused by a master manipulator in the past I no longer believe in fourth and fifth and more chances.

Try to keep your standards in mind when making that kind of judgement about a loved one who has stung you. You need to be secure with yourself and your judgment of what a good standard is before you can feel good about keeping a high standard without feeling guilt. Otherwise you'll believe that anyone is ok and deserving of your heart / or that you are not in a position to judge... but I assure you.. when it comes to your heart that is absolutely your position!! This brings me to the point where I say that this is also why it is important to hold yourself to the same standard. So that you can with a clear conscious hold others to it as well. If they just don't amount up to your standard of a deserving candidate of your heart then it's a good idea to look into breaking ties with that person... as painful as it is, no matter who it is. Or at least keeping a safe distance... and your heart guarded and on lock down from them... NOTICE I SAID FROM THEM... not from everyone as that's not fair... but just from the ones who don't meet your standard. That's a good way to be safe with your heart. It's so very fragile and valuable. You can't afford to be careless with who handles it.

I hope this has helped you. If I am missing the point or the target here.. please let me know. I realize that you could be talking about just in general and nothing in particular has happened to provoke this letter to me. If there are more underlying issues that you would like to get into more detail about you can feel free to PM me.

Have a great day.
Heather


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## Inky (Dec 2, 2008)

@Heather White Karnas
Thank you so much for that, the whole post really helped me  The part about being secure with myself and my judgement really struck a chord. I realise I've always been uneasy about it. Thank you!


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## Heather White Karnas (Mar 23, 2011)

penpaperaser said:


> @Heather White Karnas
> Thank you so much for that, the whole post really helped me  The part about being secure with myself and my judgement really struck a chord. I realise I've always been uneasy about it. Thank you!


You are so welcome. I struggle with these same issues daily. It's always a work in progress. When we give into our insecurities/temptations it pushes us back that much further and we have to eventually pick ourselves back up and rebuild ourselves again... so stay strong friend. 

Heather


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