# SEVERE lack of motivation- WTF?



## Persephone (Nov 14, 2009)

I'm doing a study abroad in Budapest as a fall term senior in college and here's my problem: I hate everything and want out.

I'm taking three courses, Probability, Combinatorics and Spectral Theory and right now I hate all three. I ran into a lot of troubles earlier this term (lost passport, had to travel back to home country for a week) but I've seriously never been so bad before. My combinatorics class is at 8 AM and I always have trouble getting up for it. I find the course difficult to follow and shit like that. I've never liked applied math, but I never knew I would hate it this much, and 2/3 of my courseload is applied math. I don't know how to solve simple problems anymore and I've never really been a bad math major. My major GPA in my school is 3.89 and the courses here, I feel, are not significantly harder. Yet I seem to have literally lost my ability to do math. Not only can I not do math, I don't even want to. Sometimes it feels like my brain is refusing to think about math. I look at a problem, then, regardless of the difficulty (because many of them turn out to be really easy!), I find it boring/hard/etc. and refuse to think about it. Then I go do something else (yes, I had ADHD, but it's never affected me like this before)

Right now I have a shit ton of work due at 12 AM tonight (it's 2 hours from that time) and I can't even bring myself to start working. I distract myself with traveling (studying abroad in Europe typically induces a lot of traveling, but it's not even the issue. When my classmates travel they still keep up with their work. Whereas I, I just let myself go and try to forget that I'm still a student at all) and reading about irrelevant things. It just feels like I have a focus in life (I really do!) and it's not my school work. Maybe it's the pre-graduation angst and what to do with my life and relationship and etc, but schoolwork and academics is the last thing on my list of mental priorities right now. It just feels so not urgent, yet rationally I know it is.

I'm in serious danger of doing badly- even borderline failing (B- to C to D range) in every courses I'm taking. I've given up on combinatorics. I'm switching that course to an audit because I'm doing better in my other two courses than this one so it's probably a lost cause. You know what? I don't even care anymore. Study abroad grades show up but they aren't calculated into the final grade. Can anyone explain to me why I'm having malaise like this? The weird thing is, I don't even feel that unhappy in general. There are still moments of genuine joy and euphoria in my life, but when I think about school I feel revulsion and disgust. How do I get my motivation back up for next term? Because good fucking god, I need to. This study abroad is, legitimately, the worst academic decision I've ever made in my life. Bordering on the absolute worse. The amount of shit I've had to deal with since September is staggering, off the scale, more than I've ever had to deal with in my life. And it hit all at once. Holy fuck.

Just found a reddit post that describes exactly how I feel when I try to study:



> And now, all I can think about when I turn the page and see some massive and complex diagram of some metabolic pathway with all the different molecules coming in and out and the chapter-long explanation with all of the molecule names and functions and structure, is...
> 
> "_Iamgoingtohavetotrysohard, thisisgoingtotakesomuchoutofme, I'malreadyrunintotheground, howmuchlongercanIkeepthisup, willthisbetheclassthatruinsme, nowaitIgotthisfar, Icanfinishthis, butatwhatcost, I'msofuckingtired, I'msofuckingoverwhelmed, Ishouldgodoanythingelse, nowaitI'lljusttryandparaphrasethis, I'm2sentencesinandIneedabreak, ifItakeanymorebreakstodayI'llgetnothingdone, it'sprobablynotashardasitlooks, ohnowaititISashardasitlooks..._"
> 
> And back and forth I go, fighting myself for some tiny shred of motivation. Finding none. Picking up whatever scraps I can find and running with them. Trying to drive 100 miles on a gas gauge reading "E". Flopping into bed after only getting halfway there, burnt out. Waking up an hour early just to lay in bed and feel the warmth, dreading what I have to do that day.


----------



## nonnaci (Sep 25, 2011)

Maybe its your unconscious telling you to stop hanging your self-worth on academics and to start exploring the world outside?


----------



## TurtleQueen (Nov 8, 2014)

I think you might have felt a tighter sense of community at your college. Is studying abroad making you feel homesick? Are you less close to friends, family, or faculty that you liked at your college? Perhaps the closeness of those people might exert a small amount of "pressure" that motivates you.

Maybe you've lost some sense of how these classes could help you achieve a long-term goal. If you don't inherently enjoy the classes, you might be able to stay more motivated if you can relate it to some long-term goal. These classes won't impact your GPA, but could they be useful in some career you want to pursue?

You mentioned having "pre-graduation" angst. Are you trying to forget your classes in order to forget that you're a student who will soon face difficult life changes? Have you discovered that you're not interested in careers related to your college major? If you care about doing better in classes, you can try to remind yourself that doing well in your classes could be at least a little helpful in getting a job. Even if your grades aren't impacted, doing well in classes could help you secure a good recommendation from your professors. Even if you decide that you don't want to pursue a career related to your college major, it can be useful to have them as references.


----------



## Zamyatin (Jun 10, 2014)

Sounds like classic overachiever burnout. I went through the EXACT same thing the fall semester of my senior year. It almost cost me Summa. What I did, and I hope it will work for you as well, is take advantage of the fact that I had finished my major requirements and was only finishing up a couple of odd gen ed reqs at that time by dropping a third major I didn't need to a minor and spending that last semester taking only classes I wanted. My last semester was basically one research course in an area I had a passion for, a 100 level arts class I could phone in that satisfied my culture requirement, and "classes" in volleyball, yoga, and tennis.

When you're burnt out, trying to force yourself to get your focus back is only going to fail. Willpower is like a currency, or a resource; even if you have a lot of it, you will only have a finite amount, and while you can spend it to force yourself to do what you don't want to do, eventually you're going to run out of it if you don't give yourself some slack. And if you're feeling burnout, you're probably already spent out.

You're about to graduate with insanely good grades. Have some fun your last semester. If you don't, you won't beat the burnout.


----------



## xisnotx (Mar 20, 2014)

lol it's called burning out. been there, done that, got the tshirt.

i remember how much i spiraled out at the end of college. i literally went up to professors like "do i really have to write that paper...or can you just pass me?"...or, i'd show up to class, and they'd be like "what did you think about the reading?" and i'd be like "i'm going to be honest with you, i didn't read it...". 

you just stop caring after a while because you recognize it's all bs anyway. what you need to do is take a step back and go from there. it only gets worse if you keep at it.


----------



## Pifanjr (Aug 19, 2014)

I'm having this exact problem right now. I should be working on a report that I should have finished 2 days ago, and that I wanted to have finished about a month ago. I get an intense feeling of disgust only thinking about working on it. It's not even that much work anymore, and it's the second last thing I need to do before I can graduate, the last thing being my master thesis.

And it's definitely no overachiever burnout. If anything, I'm an underachiever, always satisfied as long as I get a passing grade, even though I could probably get top grades if I wanted.


----------



## Pifanjr (Aug 19, 2014)

I just found out that to get out of a burnout, you have to let go of whatever is causing you stress and relax. However, the thing that is causing me stress is a deadline, and any attempt to relax only brings guilt and more stress because I'm not working on my report. So it seems that the only thing I can do is to make the damn report, for which I have almost no motivation, because of the burnout. This really sucks. It seems I am going to spend another sleepless night slowly working on my report, doing a few minutes of work at a time.


----------



## nichya (Jul 12, 2014)

I am on the same page. I used to get a ton of work done just overnight and I am dragging this work for weeks which I could have done in 3 days. I usually wait for that last night and work with terrific focus and energy and get it done but now I am just ...eh..I force myself to move but it has been weeks I passed my intended date and I refuse to enjoy anything fun because I feel guilty and force myself more but I don't even see the point. I have no drive. Honest.

Like if I pushed myself for 3 hours, this would be acceptable. 5 hours perfect.

What am I doing instead? Nothing and complaining.


----------



## Sangmu (Feb 18, 2014)

@Persephone ...What career are you studying towards?

*special note to others who may read this post: I understand the argument for education having intrinsic worth. Don't go there.


----------



## Persephone (Nov 14, 2009)

WhateverLolaWants said:


> @_Persephone_ ...What career are you studying towards?
> 
> *special note to others who may read this post: I understand the argument for education having intrinsic worth. Don't go there.


Nothing. I'm just a math major, sort of by accident. I don't want to go into academia. Don't want to do finance. Don't want to go into tech. Frankly I have no idea what the hell I'm doing with my life. All I know is, and everyone keeps telling me, I _have to finish this degree._ What happens afterwards? You'll figure it out, kid!


----------



## Pifanjr (Aug 19, 2014)

I managed to do it. I finished my report. For now. I just hope my professor finds it acceptable this time. It ended up taking me almost 8 hours, from around 3:00 AM to 11:00 AM. Now I'll send a mail to my other professor to cancel our meeting for tomorrow, since I don't think I will manage to do anything about my master thesis today.


----------



## Persephone (Nov 14, 2009)

Pifanjr said:


> I managed to do it. I finished my report. For now. I just hope my professor finds it acceptable this time. It ended up taking me almost 8 hours, from around 3:00 AM to 11:00 AM. Now I'll send a mail to my other professor to cancel our meeting for tomorrow, since I don't think I will manage to do anything about my master thesis today.


Congratulations! You'll be glad to hear I also finished... something... I forgot what.


----------



## Sangmu (Feb 18, 2014)

Persephone said:


> Nothing. I'm just a math major, sort of by accident. I don't want to go into academia. Don't want to do finance. Don't want to go into tech. Frankly I have no idea what the hell I'm doing with my life. All I know is, and everyone keeps telling me, I _have to finish this degree._ What happens afterwards? You'll figure it out, kid!


Christ.

IMO...you've been given horrible advice. No blame, it was advice I swallowed hook, line, and sinker. Society is still functioning under the assumption that academic degrees have worth and that you'll "find yourself" along the way. You're right to feel disillusioned. You likely know all this on some level, but I'll say it just in case you're in need of some validation: 

1. Degrees no longer have value unless you have a clear as gelatin career plan to go with it. Once debt is factored in, they completely lose their worth unless they're going to be put to use. The "post-degree earning power" stats are bogus because their include super earners (like Warren Buffet) and kids from affluent social circles who had jobs lined up anyway via connections, not credentials. I've met to many Math doctorates (Yes, MATH people. Not "Women's studies".) working as barista's to play along with this bullshit make-believe anymore.

2. Life isn't about finding yourself. You will never find yourself. It's about making yourself.

You need to loosen up and start thinking about what it is you want to bring to people. What gifts you can give via a career. Maybe look through a career college booklet. That's if you can manage silence the internalized voices of the pretentious assholes who told you that you need a degree (they get quieter with time...). In the mean time, I hope you find a solution to this huge stressor and disillusionment you're dealing with.


----------



## Ziwosa (Sep 25, 2010)

WhateverLolaWants said:


> You need to loosen up and start thinking about what it is you want to bring to people. What gifts you can give via a career.


But maybe they don't even want to bring anything to people? I realize that in today's society you'll very likely have to do such anyway in some way or another to support yourself, which is sad. No one should have to justify their existence.



@Persephone
I can personally vouch for the fact that degrees are indeed very much over hyped. It really does not matter in any way other than it does to yourself. If you think you're learning useful and interesting things you'll want to work with later, by all means continue studying. But if you find yourself wasting time and money. Just quit.


----------



## Sangmu (Feb 18, 2014)

Ziwosa said:


> *But maybe they don't even want to bring anything to people*? I realize that *in today's society* you'll very likely have to do such anyway in some way or another to support yourself, which is sad. No one should have to justify their existence.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


This is the way society has always been. It's run via services and cooperation _unless_ you're part of a wealthy elite and can afford to cloister yourself. 

Almost no one wants to give back initially. Until they realize how good it feels. 

Everyone has unique gifts and should find a vocation which let's them shine.


----------



## Ziwosa (Sep 25, 2010)

WhateverLolaWants said:


> This is the way society has always been. It's run via services and cooperation _unless_ you're part of a wealthy elite and can afford to cloister yourself.
> 
> Almost no one wants to give back initially. Until they realize how good it feels.
> 
> Everyone has unique gifts and should find a vocation which let's them shine.


I was implying it doesn't have to remain as such in the future.

While yes it can feel good to give back, but only if it's not forced and through something you actually enjoy doing. Most people never get to experience that and are stuck doing something they don't like.

I don't agree that 'everyone has unique gifts' that's a fairy tale older generations tend to tell the younger generations. Sure it would be nice if it was true, but it's just not. Not everyone can contribute to society in a meaningful way. And that's okay. The measure of a civilization is how it treats its weakest members, usually the ones not able to contribute.


----------



## Sangmu (Feb 18, 2014)

Ziwosa said:


> I was implying it doesn't have to remain as such in the future.
> 
> While yes it can feel good to give back, but only if it's not forced and through something you actually enjoy doing. Most people never get to experience that and are stuck doing something they don't like.
> 
> I don't agree that 'everyone has unique gifts' that's a fairy tale older generations tend to tell the younger generations. Sure it would be nice if it was true, but it's just not. Not everyone can contribute to society in a meaningful way. And that's okay. *The measure of a civilization is how it treats its weakest members, usually the ones not able to contribute*.


I agree with this.

However, I doubt someone currently studying advanced math falls into that category.


----------



## Empty (Sep 28, 2011)

Well, I'm in a similar situation.

I need to finish a paper on fucking Heidegger. HEIDEGGER. What do we know about Heidegger? We know enough to know that nothing he says can be validated or invalidated, essentially. 

Time to pray to Satan, brb.


----------



## baby blue me (May 9, 2014)

I wish you guys wellness. I have issues myself so I can relate in more ways than 1.


----------



## Persephone (Nov 14, 2009)

Empty said:


> Well, I'm in a similar situation.
> 
> I need to finish a paper on fucking Heidegger. HEIDEGGER. What do we know about Heidegger? We know enough to know that nothing he says can be validated or invalidated, essentially.
> 
> Time to pray to Satan, brb.


Ugh this is why I didn't major in philosophy. I took it as my first course in college. Most of the readings were more than manageable. Then he hit us with a theory of knowledge paper that was so convoluted I quit halfway through and didn't even bother trying. I can't imagine reading even a sentence from Heidegger, let alone writing anything about him. My stints into Kant and Nietzsche and Plato more than convinced me I'm not cut out for that stuff. 


At least in the 50 page math paper I have to do, I know the answer is there and I will be done eventually. At most you fall into the solipsistic trance (that lasts several hours) in which you look at the same problem, try your hand at a proof (and you're SO SURE your method works!), get confused, realise there's a snag you're missing, then start from square one. Then surreptitiously you realise you end up back in the same place. With the same snag. Then a few hours later you look at your scratch paper and realise that you've scrawled very close variations of the same thing (you change it up sometimes, trying to get a different result... You fail) all over the sheet. And you have two pieces of that filled up paper. Double sided. It gets a bit creepy. 


Then, weary and full of self hatred at your 1. Stupidity for not figuring out an apparently easy problem 2. All that life wasted, you crawl into bed. Of course you don't stop thinking about the problem. You get drowsy and it becomes increasingly unclear what the problem even is. Your mind struggles to stay awake and you regain bouts of lucidity. You repeat the key jargon in your head just to remember what you're doing: I want to show spectral radius... Spectral radius... Spectral radius... Wait, what the hell is a spectral radius? Oh, it's some sort of absolute value of... Something... Then about half an hour of this... Your ideas fall together. You see the big picture. Maybe it's because you got away from painstakingly writing the same thing the 20th time, or staring at the bewildering and creepy collage you just created (that screams "all work no play makes jack a dull boy"), but it turns out, who needs pen and paper anyway?


Whereas in Philosophy, for my final essay I thought so hard I swore I was going insane. I started having the most ludicrous ideas and words didn't seem like words anymore. Hats off to you, and good luck


----------

