# How long into a relationship are you ready to have sex?



## pretty.Odd (Oct 7, 2010)

I'm just wondering how long into a relationship, most people are ready or willing to have sex. Personally, it depends on the person but usually I'm not willing to have sex until a year or so into a relationship.


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## angularvelocity (Jun 15, 2009)

I'd have to know someone for months. But I think just being able to feel like myself and free around them would trumph any given time frame. It's a level of comfort and trust which I don't think happens with a person at any given specific time. Could be sooner, could be later. But since I haven't really felt that way with more than 2-3 people in my life(and it's a slow process), I just estimated it around months, maybe longer.


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## snail (Oct 13, 2008)

Most likely three years or so, although I don't really count oral sex, so that would be okay. Ideally I'd be able to wait until marriage, but if my partner has different plans, that might not work.


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## Darkestblue (Apr 19, 2010)

When I know longer feel post-coital tristesse after having masturbated while thinking of her.:tongue: Seriously, though. I always feel it when my feelings aren't developed enough or at all for a woman. I know this sounds silly, but one way I know I'm starting to really fall for someone is when I no long feel the PCT.


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## jack london (Aug 27, 2010)

Feelers - you drive me crazy. Three years, one year and months. Those all seem a bit long for someone to wait around to express yet another form of love to you. 

You are dating them so you must like them. You've been dating them for an extended time period so why wait a really really long time before you take yet another step forward in your relationship. All of this is predicated on the situation (age, past history, etc.) of course.


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## Cman (Sep 24, 2010)

Yea, wow. Willingness to have to sex is a precursor to my willingness to enter a relationship... so negative time


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## Ashitaria (Jul 4, 2010)

If I do go into a relationship, sex wouldn't be discussed about much, really. If my partner wants to, then why not? But I can live without sex.


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## NotSoRighteousRob (Jan 1, 2010)

I try to wait until we've both said hello but ya never know


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## pretty.Odd (Oct 7, 2010)

jack london said:


> Feelers - you drive me crazy. Three years, one year and months. Those all seem a bit long for someone to wait around to express yet another form of love to you.
> 
> You are dating them so you must like them. You've been dating them for an extended time period so why wait a really really long time before you take yet another step forward in your relationship. All of this is predicated on the situation (age, past history, etc.) of course.


The only reason why I wait so long is because I just want to make sure that that person doesn't just want to get into my pants. And I'm scared of getting hurt.


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## Everyday Ghoul (Aug 4, 2009)

Mid-way through the first date is good.


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## jack london (Aug 27, 2010)

You will get hurt. People will lie to you etc... The reason I get into relationships is the good outweighs the bad but I always know the bad is there.


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## viva (Aug 13, 2010)

Well, I have a lack of willpower, so this is usually... erm... an issue. At least it has been in the past.

But in the future, I would like to wait until I can confidently say I love somebody before I have sex with them.


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## Drake (Oct 31, 2009)

When I was single, I was willing to have sex with a woman before I met her, and it might lerad to a relationship. If not it was fun and felt good.


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## snail (Oct 13, 2008)

jack london said:


> Feelers - you drive me crazy. Three years, one year and months. Those all seem a bit long for someone to wait around to express yet another form of love to you.
> 
> You are dating them so you must like them. You've been dating them for an extended time period so why wait a really really long time before you take yet another step forward in your relationship. All of this is predicated on the situation (age, past history, etc.) of course.


Well, I was just guessing when I said three years. I don't know when I will be ready to have sex again. I haven't done it since I was with my psycho ex, and the last time I did it wasn't consensual. I'd rather estimate on the long side rather than giving anyone false ideas about my willingness to jump into something that serious, considering how comfortable I would have to feel with my partner, and how significant the act has always been for me. I would have to trust the other person completely, and if I started to experience anxiety, I would have to know, with total certainty, that he would care about my feelings enough to avoid pressuring me or making me feel bad when I must stop him. I figure that kind of trust would probably take around three years to develop. 

Even if I didn't have any baggage, It would need to be a symbolic act, representing and expressing more meaningful forms of intimacy. We would have to already have a profound, overwhelming emotional connection. When we converse so deeply that we touch each other's ultimate cores, understanding every fear and desire, at the root of our most vulnerable selves, that is when the time will be right for sex, and we will become as one flesh. It will seal the covenant of our spiritual marriage for life.

It is not something I intend to take lightly or give away carelessly.


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## WildWinds (Mar 9, 2010)

pretty.Odd said:


> The only reason why I wait so long is because I just want to make sure that that person doesn't just want to get into my pants. And I'm scared of getting hurt.


I used to think that way...Not surprising when thats all I was told growing up: "Don't let yourself be used! Guys will use you and then get rid of you because you're nothing but an object if you have sex early on/outside of marriage!". But really, using somebody for sex isn't just for guys. If I'm gonna be used, I'm gonna use him too :bored:

Of course, I totally respect your position and the meaning you want sex to have, its a good thing, especially after reading your last post. I'm just tired of some of the social taboos there are when it comes to women and sex.


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## mrscientist (Jul 4, 2010)

Its not a matter of time for me. Its a matter of being unable to resist her anymore. Realistically i'd say probably a few months.


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## etherealuntouaswithin (Dec 7, 2010)

.....I suppose that ultimately i simply would have to be in love(or a "simulation" there-of) because i do believe sex the bond in which both persons love is realized in physicality..an arisal of passions in union of the body...all else is largely insignificant....


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## Drewbie (Apr 28, 2010)

Um... probably as soon as it shifts from casual dates to 'a relationship'. I'm kind of bad at being consistent about this. In my first relationship we were together 4 years, got engaged, and didn't have sex at all. Then I met up with an old friend that I hadn't seen in a few years and the first night we got together we planned to have sex at a later/more convenient time. My current girlfriend and I started our relationship online but we were engaging in long distance sexual activity (sexting, cybering, nude pics/videos. etc.) before we even made the relationship 'official' and we had sex within hours of meeting in person for the first time. :mellow:


Because of my first relationship, it would be really hard for me to wait long before having sex. My ex was extremely repressive and religious, he held sex over our relationship as the ultimate temptation and evil. He was manipulative, would make us both want it, then spin off into a cycle of guilt and repentance, and go off on tangents about how disgusting the physical intimacy we shared was and how it would only tear us apart and keep us from God. Then his guilt would fade and he'd start the cycle over again. He never accepted our physical relationship as something we did together as an expression of intimacy, rather he insisted it was him taking liberties with my virtue. He took my responsibility for our actions away from me, saying that as 'the man' it was his job to keep us away from temptation, and constantly apologized for his actions as though he'd violated me and somehow diminished my worth. At the end of our relationship he wanted to invalidate my past consent completely and confess to my father all of the things he'd 'done to' me and 'make amends'. I never felt violated in anything we'd done together but when he tried to do that I felt raped. I still find sex intimate, but I can't think of it as sacred or worth more than my own immediate desires. If I desire to have sex or share intimacy with someone, even if I hardly know them, then that is what is important. Sex is the tool, not the finished product.


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## Monte (Feb 17, 2010)

When I feel comfortable.

With one guy, it was nine months, another guy before we even started dating.

There's no set "time" and I think it's stupid to have one. 

Why put it off? Then you're just idealizing sex.


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## MissJordan (Dec 21, 2010)

pretty.Odd said:


> I'm just wondering how long into a relationship, most people are ready or willing to have sex. Personally, it depends on the person but usually I'm not willing to have sex until a year or so into a relationship.


Well, I see sex as an activity.
Sooo.....


But, I wouldn't have sex with someone I don't care for.
And I don't care for someone I haven't connected with.
And I don't connect with someone I don't respect.
And I don't respect someone I don't think is intelligent.
And I don't think someone is intelligent unless I have had lots of deep conversations with.

BUT, if somehow, someone managed to do all that in an hour, I'd be good to go.


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## pretty.Odd (Oct 7, 2010)

WildWinds said:


> I used to think that way...Not surprising when thats all I was told growing up: "Don't let yourself be used! Guys will use you and then get rid of you because you're nothing but an object if you have sex early on/outside of marriage!". But really, using somebody for sex isn't just for guys. If I'm gonna be used, I'm gonna use him too :bored:
> 
> Of course, I totally respect your position and the meaning you want sex to have, its a good thing, especially after reading your last post. I'm just tired of some of the social taboos there are when it comes to women and sex.


Yeah you do have a point and I'm not going to lie, I think most of my wariness comes from what I've been taught: that guys, for the most part, just want to get into your pants and if you do have sex a lot guys will treat you differently. 

And I am terrified of getting hurt  especially since I'm a really emotional person and I'll get attached to that person quickly..so yeah.


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## JoetheBull (Apr 29, 2010)

guessing however long it takes for me to get comfortable with the other person. Like most guys I am ready before hand but I am guessing I will be nervous and probably mess up or it wouldn't as good for the both of us. I understand about some of you women being afraid of being used and discard by guys. I unfortunately get mistaken as one of them I think. Yes I want sex and hate not having it but it is much easier for me to put up with not having it if the other person isn't ready, comfortable, or what ever other reason. I'll settle for a cuddle or a hug instead


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## WildWinds (Mar 9, 2010)

pretty.Odd said:


> Yeah you do have a point and I'm not going to lie, I think most of my wariness comes from what I've been taught: that guys, for the most part, just want to get into your pants and if you do have sex a lot guys will treat you differently.
> 
> And I am terrified of getting hurt  especially since I'm a really emotional person and I'll get attached to that person quickly..so yeah.


Understandable! I think its something that a lot of girls grow up being taught. It just bothers me because it kinda sweeps women's sex drives under the rug. Women desire and enjoy sex too! Why do we have to be the ones brought up to believe that its a guy thing to need sex and that we're the ones vulnerable to being used? It works both ways because it takes two people who want to have sex to actually have sex. 

As for the OP, I don't have a set amount of time I must be dating before having sex. Whenever we're both comfortable with it and want to.


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## s0n1c800m (Dec 6, 2010)

MisterJordan said:


> I wouldn't have sex with someone I don't care for.
> And I don't care for someone I haven't connected with.
> And I don't connect with someone I don't respect.
> And I don't respect someone I don't think is intelligent.
> ...


Pretty much exactly that.
At this point in my life, sexual compatibility is essential if I'm going to consider entering into a relationship with someone. I made that mistake once. Never, never again.


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## stonecutter (Jan 1, 2011)

First of all, let me just say...I have no personal experience to back up anything I post in response to the original question...

With that said, I do have some opinions on the matter...

As a virgin who has never had a serious relationship, I can still say it would not take much for me to have sex with a girl. See, the thing is, it all comes down to how one views sex as an act. I consider sex an activity that is meant to allow reproduction but has been manipulated by human ingenuity to avoid reproduction; yet, it feels extremely good because natural selection favored those with a mechanism of positive feedback to the act that produces offspring. SO, there is really no reason in my mind why people shouldn't have sex as much as they want, as long as they have a partner who is just as ready, willing, and able.


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## MissJordan (Dec 21, 2010)

stonecutter said:


> First of all, let me just say...I have no personal experience to back up anything I post in response to the original question...
> 
> With that said, I do have some opinions on the matter...
> 
> As a virgin who has never had a serious relationship, I can still say it would not take much for me to have sex with a girl. See, the thing is, it all comes down to how one views sex as an act. I consider sex an activity that is meant to allow reproduction but has been manipulated by human ingenuity to avoid reproduction; yet, it feels extremely good because natural selection favored those with a mechanism of positive feedback to the act that produces offspring. SO, there is really no reason in my mind why people shouldn't have sex as much as they want, as long as they have a partner who is just as ready, willing, and able *and free of STIs*.


You missed something, but I got your back. Teeheehee....

And I think it's impossible to have transituational thoughts -- that is, imagining yourself in a different situation, and think about how you would react. That means it's impossible to know how you really feel about something until a certain situation arises that tests it.

You might realise that you have more ethics than you thought when you're propositioned by someone, until then there's no way of knowing.

I'm an INTJ, so I don't sugarcoat, sorry; but have sex and then you'll be able to give a more accurate opinion...


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## sarek (May 20, 2010)

I'd say whatever your heart tells you is right. As long as both your hearts say about the same things of course lol.

In my present relationship which is long distance, it was our second date about ten months after we had first met online.


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## skycloud86 (Jul 15, 2009)

Probably a few months after the start of the relationship. I would have to know them fairly well before I would want to have sex with them.


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## darksoul (Jul 17, 2010)

Less than a week? I'm not very good at waiting, to be honest...


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## stonecutter (Jan 1, 2011)

MisterJordan said:


> You missed something, but I got your back. Teeheehee....
> 
> And I think it's impossible to have transituational thoughts -- that is, imagining yourself in a different situation, and think about how you would react. That means it's impossible to know how you really feel about something until a certain situation arises that tests it.
> 
> ...


I dunno man...I came pretty close to having sex with a girl I met at a party and hadn't even talked to. I didn't see anything wrong with having sex in that situation, it just didn't end up going that way. Sex is sex...it can be a lot more, but it doesn't have to be a meaningful act.

(This is why INTJs and INTPs don't mix, by the way...look at how we fundamentally disagree :tongue


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## Cman (Sep 24, 2010)

MisterJordan said:


> You missed something, but I got your back. Teeheehee....
> 
> And I think it's impossible to have transituational thoughts -- that is, imagining yourself in a different situation, and think about how you would react. That means it's impossible to know how you really feel about something until a certain situation arises that tests it.
> 
> ...


I use "transituational thoughts" constantly and reliably to mold my personality. I imagine a situation, guess my reaction, wait for it to happen, then analyze how I actually reacted. I then use this information to adjust my myself or my opinions of myself. After doing this for nearly 3 years, I have become extremely accurate. So, you are 100% wrong. Just because _you_ can't do it doesn't mean it can't be done.

P.S. The above method is the best I have ever found for changing something. I highly recommend it


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## Mutatio NOmenis (Jun 22, 2009)

"Do you want to do it?" That pretty much sums me up.


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## devoid (Jan 3, 2011)

Yeah, I waited a year, but I didn't really have many chances before then anyway. I've only been in one sexual relationship so I can't really say...


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## Unicorntopia (Jun 18, 2010)

Usually I get to know the person in either a friend setting, work setting, or school setting and then it (sex, making out, what have you) happens whenever it happens to happen - when the planets align and we are both feeling spunky or what have you. Then, after a while or whatever we feel out the situation and decide together when to call ourselves a couple if we ever even decide to be a couple. 

I am not a fan of dating... I usually wait at least two weeks if getting to know each other by dates but usually I don't even go on second dates.


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## Unicorntopia (Jun 18, 2010)

Monte said:


> When I feel comfortable.
> 
> With one guy, it was nine months, another guy before we even started dating.
> 
> ...


You know what is weird? I was reading this and realized I can feel comfortable one day but the next day not feel comfortable. I am trying to follow this feeling and not logic in my current relationship. Logic would say that once you have had sex with them the first time then after that you should be comfortable all the time, but that is not the case with me. In past relationships I think this has caused problems because I will feel bad if I don't have sex after the seal has been broken and then feel even more bad for neglecting my own emotions of discomfort with the act. This is very complicated. I had a one night stand last year for the first time. I felt completely comfortable with it at the time and still have not regretted it. I regret having sex with my 3 yr ex _way_ more than the one night stand. hmmm... I am going to have to think about this for the next indefinite period of time.


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## Thrifty Walrus (Jul 8, 2010)

Not very long, because when you know someone for a long time it just makes it seem a bit contrived. Usually about 2 weeks is the time frame I have in my mind, but that is quite flexible, I'm not "expecting" anything after two weeks, it really just depends on the person. Sometimes you meet someone and later that day you can feel the chemistry and it would be better to be in the moment then wait, it just really depends on several variables.


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## fievre (Mar 10, 2010)

It was 5 months and 10 days before man is current s/o and I decided to go for it. And this may be more information than is required but I just wanted to point out that the date was 10/10/10.










Of course it always depends on the relationship. I don't have a specific point past which I've decided it's time for nooky.


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## jack london (Aug 27, 2010)

On a related note, you can be a friend for too long that you no longer think of this person in a sexual way. There is like a window of opportunity when you are first getting to know each other that if you don't seize the moment that it will be lost.


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## darksoul (Jul 17, 2010)

jack london said:


> On a related note, you can be a friend for too long that you no longer think of this person in a sexual way. There is like a window of opportunity when you are first getting to know each other that if you don't seize the moment that it will be lost.


That happened with a friend. I found him rather attractive when we first met, but I had a boyfriend at the time. A year later, when I was single, he told me he had feelings for me. But it was already too late.


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## Peripheral (Jan 8, 2011)

hziegel said:


> Yeah, I waited a year, but I didn't really have many chances before then anyway. I've only been in one sexual relationship so I can't really say...


Same here. Except I waited about a month, although I could have done it the same night I met the girl.


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## Deja Vu (Dec 26, 2009)

As soon as her pants go down.


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## Rose of Sharon (Dec 18, 2010)

It all depends but I really don't think that I'm the type to ever say anything close to a year or even a few months... like some people on here so far. It depends on the person... on how they make you feel... on what each of you is expecting. When it comes to me personally, I want to be loved and it has a lot to do with emotion. If it is right, then within a week is not out of the question, and neither is a month or so. It all depends.

I made the mistake when I was younger of having sex very quickly and then hoping that the very act of sharing body and such a sensual experience would make the other person love me. Obviously.... that was a completely naive mistake. :sad:


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## Hokahey (Oct 8, 2010)

Depends on the person, the relationship, and the situation. Sorry no timeline. Perfection can't be rushed.


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## Vic (Dec 4, 2010)

When she indicates, whether verbally or with body language, that she's ready.


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## SassyPJs24 (Jan 27, 2010)

Unforunately sex doesn't hold much emotional/spiritual/whatever meaning for me. So, it depends on if he's a keeper. If he is I make him wait. If not... what the hell, let's just get it on and have our fun while it lasts


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## Vegalyp Gamalona Gole (Jan 16, 2011)

Years, and we would have to be married. I am very set in my morals. Call me stupid, I get it already at school.


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## Deja Vu (Dec 26, 2009)

SassyPJs24 said:


> Unforunately sex doesn't hold much emotional/spiritual/whatever meaning for me. So, it depends on if he's a keeper. If he is I make him wait. If not... what the hell, let's just get it on and have our fun while it lasts


How long would you make him wait?


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## SL1D3R (Jan 7, 2011)

I've noticed that it takes me 3 dates until I feel like I'm ready.


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## SassyPJs24 (Jan 27, 2010)

Deja Vu said:


> How long would you make him wait?


It's hard to say. As soon as I felt comfortable, and I knew he was hooked beyond just the sex. Most likely months...with the right guy I wouldn't wait a year. I'm too horny. :/


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## Zdorobot (Dec 19, 2010)

I have a two week rule about sex. If there's no sex within the first two weeks, I'm out.

In all seriousness, though, I'm ready for sex whenever it feels right. 
I first had sex with my last boyfriend about a week before we were officially together, and I wasn't afraid that he was using me for sex or anything because he clearly wasn't. We both had known each other for a while and genuinely liked each other. It felt right at the time and even looking back on it, it was a pretty great idea. Woo, sex. Fun stuff.


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## pinkrasputin (Apr 13, 2009)

I'm ready to have sex before we start dating. So it's up to me to really cool my engines. Also it is up to him to not ruin it and say something stupid that will turn me off.


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## skycloud86 (Jul 15, 2009)

Vegalyp Gamalona Gole said:


> Years, and we would have to be married. I am very set in my morals. Call me stupid, I get it already at school.


Nothing stupid about that at all, it's your preference and your body.


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## Mzclarol (Nov 29, 2009)

It depends on how I feel about the person and how I think the person feels about me. But no specific timetable. 

However, my former istp boyfriend told a group of mutual friends, after our break up, that the longer he has had to wait for sex from a girl, the more feelings he ended up having for her. We waited for six months, as much as he tried like hell for it to happen the first night I met him........ Thought that was interesting. 

For me, though, I guess, great sex has to include great love. Mutual love. And that takes some time in my case.


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## mrscientist (Jul 4, 2010)

Mzclarol said:


> For me, though, I guess, great sex has to include great love. Mutual love. And that takes some time in my case.


Wow that is really sweet. If i had room in my sig this would surely find its place there. My opinion exactly.


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## Miriamisfj (Apr 13, 2010)

for me, The time period would be very varied.
Our relationship will need to be mature enough to deal with any consequences.... If something goes wrong with the birth control, I need to know that we both love and respect each other enough to deal with it.....whatever that looks like


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## MuChApArAdOx (Jan 24, 2011)

jack london said:


> Feelers - you drive me crazy. Three years, one year and months. Those all seem a bit long for someone to wait around to express yet another form of love to you.
> 
> heh, i near fell off my chair , something about you drive me crazy that literally made me :laughing::laughing:
> 
> Of course it depends on the partner. For me, if the connection was strong, i could strongly want sex, first night....but...never have. Years, and months, NO. For the sake of self respect, give a week :wink:...i think its perfectly natural to connect on a sexual level very quickly. Nothing wrong with consensual, safe, fun sex .


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## Hokahey (Oct 8, 2010)

MuChApArAdOx said:


> Nothing wrong with consensual, safe, fun sex .


You forgot "great" too. 

Though sometimes that just doesn't work out.


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## gretalbear (Jan 26, 2011)

i never even considered that people might wait that long in a relationship!? a year?!?!? three years?!?!?!? why? what if you're really disappointed? 

i know i definately don't wait long enough. i put out to make men like me (which doesn't work.) and i must stop. but if you like someone and they like you... i really don't get why you wouldn't. do you not just spend every moment in a state of sexual frustration?


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## darksoul (Jul 17, 2010)

gretalbear said:


> i never even considered that people might wait that long in a relationship!? a year?!?!? three years?!?!?!? why? what if you're really disappointed?
> 
> i know i definately don't wait long enough. i put out to make men like me (which doesn't work.) and i must stop. but if you like someone and they like you... i really don't get why you wouldn't. do you not just spend every moment in a state of sexual frustration?


I wish I had enough self-control to wait longer... :dry:


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## Filigeedreamer (Sep 4, 2010)

I have to know someone quite well and feel very comfortable with them before sex, I want to feel I am valued very much for who I am, not for how I look or the act itself. (I hate getting attention of a sexual or romantic nature based souly on how I look) So however long it takes for me to feel that way I supose...trust and an emotional connection are very importaint to me. 

I don't know if you can really put a time limit on how long that would take to establish, or even say with certainty if it would be. I think some people feel that is a little nieve or prudish, but in this case, I am neither...I am just vey carful who I let into my life and who I am intiemate with. I don't want anything meaningless or empty, and I want to feel I am able to relax and be utterly myself. It's not often I get to do that.


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## Enkidu (Apr 19, 2010)

I was a bit surprised to read a year or even three years on some posts. In retrospect, I don't think I ever made any kind of verbal agreement with a partner about how soon is appropriate. The sex usually happens early (within first few weeks) as the flirtation and intimacy increases. Never really planned or prepared, it's just an expression of a build up of romantic feelings. The frequency of sex usually decreases years into a relationship because the emotional connection becomes a priority.


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## AussieChick (Dec 27, 2010)

It would depend for me on the chemistry and sexual attraction between myself and the other person.I have had sex on a first date before,the sparks and chemistry between us was electric and the sex was absolutely fantastic.He was my first and i don't regret one moment of it.


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