# I'm stuck between friends, in the middle of their fight.



## krisichiki (Oct 5, 2014)

Hello everyone. I've been lurking these forums for a while and I've decided to post something finally. It's a pretty complicated problem...



*Short Story...*
I have two friends; let's call them A and B. 

A, B and I used to be really close friends but then A fell into a deep depression. Because of that she started misunderstanding things and not being able to communicate well, especially with B. This lead to fights and eventually them stop being friends.

I didn't want to take sides so I stayed neutral and continued to be friends with both. Now A sees me as a "bad" person for not supporting her but I cannot stop being friends with B simply because A blames B for everything. 




*Long Story...* (Warning it's LONG!)
As mentioned above I have these two friends, A and B.

We used to be great friends together. A had always a bit of a problem with depression and low self-esteem (something I suffer from, as well). She'd usually keep it under control though, much like how I do it myself.

All three of us like drawing and creating our own stories. All three are going to or have been to an art school or are working in the art industry already. We loved working together so we decided to connect our three stories into a single universe where each story was connected to the other in some way. 



Everything was jolly and nice but then it started...

Friend A started feeling inferior to me and B in terms of art skills and story ideas. I felt the same about myself a few times so I understand were she came from. However, there was nothing more I could do other than re-assuring she's a very skilled artist (which is true!).

This just became a bigger and bigger overtime though to the point that she started questioning whether she should continue working with me and B and whether we even "need" her. I know another reason she started questioning it is because she felt her ideas were being brushed aside.

Disagreements happen in such situations though and finding a solution right away is not always possible. Sometimes it might even take a couple of months! Our work was/is still in development... She also didn't seem to realize how many changes I had to do to my own story to fit her ideas. This was something I did willingly of course. Maybe having disagreements about things made her feel like we (B and I) don't want to accept her ideas?



Overtime her depression got the best of her to the point that she'd often misunderstand B's intentions, conversations etc. The same goes to me. I really couldn't and still can't communicate with her the way I used to. This is when fights started happening because A was feeling attacked, feeling forced to do "whatever B says", feeling that B treats her like a child..and you get the point. B became the villain.

Now, I know i'm not completely right or know-it-all. I'm *sure* I misunderstood a lot of things A said and I made mistakes, many mistakes, when trying to deal with the situation. I don't know every single detail of their conversations and whatnot. I also know B _was_ a little rude to A sometimes especially when she'd get frustrated. 

However, I've observed the whole situation for over a year, both of them would send me their conversations and talk to me about it. As a person who tried to observe things from outside this is what I saw:

A fell into a terrible depression which altered the way she saw/thought about some things. However, she doesn't believe that her depression affects her perspective and insists that she's right/fine. She's also very stubborn and had admitted herself that she will do anything to win arguments/fights (even if they make her miserable, even if she might be wrong). She also indulged in self-pity. B eventually became frustrated with A's behaviour and the fights they had to the point that she stopped caring. This lead to bigger fights, failed attempts to reconcile and eventually...they stopped having any sort of connection.



Now here I am. A believes that B has "brainwashed" or talked me into believing B and supporting B, which is not true. Like I said I tried to stay neutral. A also sees me as some sort of traitor for not believing her that B is such a horrible person that ruined her life. No.. she didn't say that word-by-word but she's very passive-aggressive and I pick up her hints.

I was going to keep my story connected to A and B while A and B have no connections. The same would be with our friendship. However A doesn't really want me to have any connection with B so that in case A ever publishes her work and helps me too, she won't accidentally indirectly help B (_my work getting advertised -> connected to B -> B gets some recognition_).

I know where she's coming from... I mean she sees B as a horrible person so obviously she wants nothing to do with B. However I see things from a different perspective wich A said she "accepts" but added the remark of "because you don't want to listen to the details" (_remember how I said she passive-aggressive?_).





*We never came to a conclusion though...* I won't want to cut my connection with A nor B but if I choose to cut one of them it'd be unfair for the other. 
However I can't just sit here and hope something happens. I know A will start doubting things again and bring it up again _"I'm thinking of cutting my story from yours..."_. 

Obviously I can't keep working on my own project if I don't know what's going to happen and if A suddenly decides to cut connections and leave me hanging.


*Now you wonder.. why didn't I stand up and leave this situation?*

A has been my best friend for many years and we used to have a very close bond together but after the depression it all went downhill. Her passive-aggressiveness, misunderstandings and behaviour hurt me in many ways. I _know_ I hurt her too, especially when I snapped at her a few times. I'm no saint. But see.. I can't just turn my back at her and leave. I still care about her or at least the memories of how we used to be. I cannot help her though. I tried but she doesn't want to accept any help (medicine, psychiatrist, etc.) and I know she doesn't like people "telling her what to do" which is why I stopped trying. I also like working with her and having our stories connected.

I've know B for quite a few years now as well and has helped me a lot in art or real life and I like working with her and having our stories connected. I don't want to just turn my back at her when I can't see her as a evil person...

I can't keep a connection with just A because that's unfair to B. I can't keep a connection to B only because that would hurt A. I don't want to cut off all connections though because I'd have to rework the whole story/universe and I really like how it is now.





I'm sitting at a dead end and I've tried asking multiple people (online and in real life) for advice but nobody could really offer anything. I just thought maybe some people here might be able to think out of the box and offer some tips.

Right now the only options I can see are...

- Continue like this and hope for the best.
- Cut the connection with A or B at the expense of hurting one or the other.
- Cut the connection with both and go on my own.


(If you want any more information just ask me but I think this is already too long so I tried to make it as short as possible).


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## theflame (Apr 12, 2014)

I literally deal with this all the time. I don't believe you can be mutual about something unless you are giving equal sides the same amount of attention. Whenever I saw "mutual" friends in my situations ignore me and talk to the other person more I dropped them. It depends on the severity of the situation. 

If I were you, I would just stop talking to both of them instead of one or the other until they can come around. It's never good to stay in contact with one over the other, people can see that even though one claims someone is not choosing sides, but by keeping in touch with one more than the other it's pretty obvious without exact words. Just stop talking to both of them for now say you don't like dealing with this and you didn't do anything.


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## krisichiki (Oct 5, 2014)

Yeah, I can understand you can't be fully neutral. I guess you could say I might lean towards B simply because I believe B is not as bad of a person as A says. I cannot deny though that B probably provoked A in some ways which depression might have made it worse. You know like when you discuss about a subject that you have different opinions on.

Each time I just hoped they'll sort things out but it's no longer possible. All attempts to reconcile failed and the conclusion was that they just can't be near each other anymore.

Anyhow, thank you very much for commenting and reading my thread. I'm just trying to accumulate different opinions from people to help me decide what to do.


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## theflame (Apr 12, 2014)

krisichiki said:


> Yeah, I can understand you can't be fully neutral. I guess you could say I might lean towards B simply because I believe B is not as bad of a person as A says. I cannot deny though that B probably provoked A in some ways which depression might have made it worse. You know like when you discuss about a subject that you have different opinions on.
> 
> Each time I just hoped they'll sort things out but it's no longer possible. All attempts to reconcile failed and the conclusion was that they just can't be near each other anymore.
> 
> Anyhow, thank you very much for commenting and reading my thread. I'm just trying to accumulate different opinions from people to help me decide what to do.


No prob. That's what my "friend" did to me, too. She would provoke me to act a certain way then she'd act dumb acting like she never did anything to set me off. In your case, it really may be misunderstanding but I'd not talk to either of them and have them talk to each other since it is their issues after all.


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## kb123 (Mar 12, 2016)

’ve been through this but it was totally different it seemed as if she lied about it than mentioning she said it when I asked her if she said something about me she denied it but my friend put her on check and reminded her then she admitted it she did I got mad at her I didn’t want to be friends with her or want anything to do with her she betrayeded my trust. MY friend who told the truth didn’t change the story she told me the truth and my friend kept twisting the story. My friend who has had a problem with my other friend told me about it and that it pissed her off she asked me not to tell her about it but I couldn’t I felt guilty not telling her and keeping it to myself I’ve known my friend who told me the truth longer than emaly. she was lying she came crying to me saying how she didn’t say that she started talking all this crap about my other friend who told me the truth. She accused me of begin fake that I am dumb for cutting her off I don’t want to deal with people who are gonna be talking about me and she is just a lier I don’t trust her she treats me like crap even though shes joking but shes just plain rude she even treats my friend alex like crap I told my friend how i didn’t like how she did me dirty I didn’t start the drama I was just begin straight up with my other friend It does not make me look fake


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## kb123 (Mar 12, 2016)

so i don't feel bad


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## spiderfrommars (Feb 22, 2012)

This situation sounds tough, and I'm sorry. Mental illness sucks. Friend drama sucks. I wound up writing a novella, so I'm gonna title my sections for easier navigating.

 *What to Do About the Interlinked Stories*

 It's not going to work for you to have interlinked stories with both A and B. A obviously isn't comfortable with that, though she doesn't seem to be doing a good job of asserting that directly, instead opting for passive aggressive snipes. In this one area of your life, you _will_ have to make a choice. 

 It would be best if you could somehow split your creative project, in order to make one story that ran simultaneous with A's, and one with B's. They might start out as similar clones, but would drift pretty far apart. Not knowing the details of your story, I don't know if it would work in this instance, but that seems like the best option. Then you would be able to continue working with both of them, but A wouldn't be reminded of the B association all the time (which she probably finds quite painful).

 If that won't work, though, you will have to pick one. Either disentangle B's story from yours, so that A can comfortably work with you, or let A know that not working with B isn't an option, and she's free to stop working with you if she wishes. Based on A's erratic behavior regarding comparisons between your art, etc, it would probably be safer to continue working with B.

 You should make this decision based on what's better for your art, both in terms of whose creative output you value more (which is hard to quantify, but you know), and in terms of who you think you can rely on. Try not to make it based on who you think “is right” or view it as a moral statement about the situation. This is a decision about the creative direction of your story. It doesn't have to be some sort of pronouncement about the feud.
 
I mean, if you can convince A to continue having a story that's 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon away from her arch-nemesis, that'd be much better, but I'm not sure you can. 

*Cutting One of Them Out (You Should Only Do That If You Want To)*

The fact that you won't be able to work on the same, interlinked creative project does _not_ mean that you need to cut one of them out of your life. It seems like maybe A is implying that, but she's wrong. (If _she_ wants to stop being _your_ friend because you choose to remain friends with B, that's fine, but it would be her choice, not you cutting her out.)

 You say you can't cut a connection with one of them because it would be unfair to the other, but that is completely untrue. You can actually cut a connection with any person, at any time, for any reason! (OK if they're your child you probably shouldn't do that. Or your probation officer.) Stop thinking about what's fair, and right. Stop thinking about the relationships as weighted against each other, because they are not. 

 Do you _want_ to be friends with B? Do you get value out of that friendship? Is your life better because you are friends with B, than it would be if you were not? Based on your post, it sounds like the answer is yes.

 Do you want to be friends with A? Do you want to put up with her serious mental health issues, or are you invested in the friendship mostly because of its longevity? Does the creative value she brings to your projects outweigh the risk that she'll have a breakdown and rip her story out from yours? Is that relationship still worthwhile?

 It doesn't matter if it's morally right to stay friends with A, or morally right to cut her out. The only reason to be friends with someone is because you like being their friend.
 
*How to Stay Friends With A (You Should Only Do That if You Want To)*

In order to maintain a connection with A, if that's what you want to do (_because you like having a connection to A_), I think you should try not to talk to her about B, at all. It makes you uncomfortable when she tries to pressure you into hating B, and makes you feel like you're supposed to stop being friends with one of them. It probably makes her uncomfortable when you talk about how B isn't the spawn of Satan.  If she's the one bringing the B topic up (it sounds like she is), try to respond very vaugely, “I see,” “okay,” “I don't really want to discuss B” or by changing the topic without responding whatsoever. Just don't engage with it.

 Do you defend B to her, or try to explain B's point of view? _Don't_. It will make her more convinced that you're a traitor. It does seem like you think B was more in the right than A. The way you described this situation, you place blame for the problem that happened almost solely on A (or rather, on A's depression). You mentioned that B “was a little rude,” but that's pretty much it. That's not a bad thing (B might be more in the right than A), but if it comes across in this forum post, I'm guessing it comes across in your conversations with A. That's no good. The more she gets the sense that you think B was more reasonable than her, the more that she'll feel threatened, and see you as on B's side.

 To understand A's perspective, you have to remember that “not picking a side” _is_ picking a side. Neutral is just as much a choice as siding with A or B. In this case it may very well be the right one—I mean, it sounds to me like it is—but A isn't wrong for pointing out that you sided against her. By virtue of not taking her side, and choosing a different side (that of neutrality), _you did_.

 A feels betrayed because she genuinely believes her version of events (probably because her depression has distorted her sense of them) and you're denying that things she thinks she experienced—things she found very painful—happened at all.

 I don't think there's a resolution to that, not if you're truly certain that B didn't do what A claimed. It wouldn't be right to lie and tell A that B is, in fact, a monster, but it will continue to upset and hurt A if you tell her that B is, in fact, not a monster. So it's best to tell her that you really don't want to talk about it, at all, and try to find other ways you can support her in her depression.
 
*A Disclaimer About Mental Illness and Stuff*

 **Also I've been writing this post from the POV that your version of events is pretty accurate and that the majority of the blame for this uncomfortable situation falls on A/A's depression, but I do feel the need to point out that maybe that's not the case. Maybe A is _right_, but her mental illness makes her seem “irrational” and it's easier to write off interpersonal problems as solely caused by that irrationality, rather than by the complexities of interpersonal dynamics, or even straight up bullying. Mentally ill people often have their perspectives denied because of the perception that, by definition, they cannot perceive reality and their problems aren't real. Which can range from annoying to terrifying.

 I hope it doesn't sound like I'm claiming the mentally ill can't be assholes, or wrong sometimes. I don't think she gets a free pass because she's got depression. I'm not saying you're actually doing the perspective-erasing thing I talked about (if I was, the whole post would have focused on this issue, instead of on giving advice based on the assumption that A is basically being wrongheaded), just throwing it out there as something to bear in mind. A's biased, everybody is, but it's possible that she's reacting to B as much as she is to her depression, and that you haven't seen it because B acts differently toward you than toward A.

*Good Luck.*


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## Pifanjr (Aug 19, 2014)

Just mentioning the OP is from 2014.


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## spiderfrommars (Feb 22, 2012)

Pifanjr said:


> Just mentioning the OP is from 2014.


Wow, I'm a moron.  Sorry everyone! Totally missed that.


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