# Help with an autistic sibling?



## Slagasauras (Jun 26, 2013)

Hello!

My brother has autism and gets in fights frequently with my family members over things he says, for instance, earlier this morning, he got in a fight with my grandmother over the fact that she was playing music very loudly in the car. He had turned it down, he had thought that she screamed at him (he says this a lot, when in reality it's more of a raised voice), and he had called her a bitch.
After the car ride, my brother had tried venting to me and I showed him that it is not his car and she can listen to what she wants and therefore needs to respect that, she drives him everywhere, and is very compassionate to him even when he is rude and disrespectful to everyone.
So, at the end of him trying to vent to me (and trying to prove me wrong, which makes me irritated because I noticed how he only tries to get people to defend him) he ended up running into our Grandmother's room and slamming the door. I assume he's throwing a fit, and no, my grandmother is not in her room with him. 

I feel very frustrated by his actions quite a lot, I do not understand him at times. I understand that he has a disability where he does not understand the reasoning of others, yet this is harder to completely enforce into a more beneficial way of consoling him when he is like this.

How can I show him the logic to his arguments are flawed without him taking it so personally?

Update: He had tried talking to me again and had asked: "Why do you want to disown me?", when my language indicated nothing of the sort.


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## jamaix (Sep 20, 2013)

I wish I had some helpful advice for you, but unfortunately I don't. Autism is something that I don't have any first hand experience dealing with. I just found out that one of my young nephews was diagnosed as borderline, but I don't often have the opportunity to spend much time with him. I commend you for your desire to understand and help your brother.


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## Tangled Kite (Apr 16, 2014)

Slagasauras said:


> Hello!
> 
> My brother has autism and gets in fights frequently with my family members over things he says, for instance, earlier this morning, he got in a fight with my grandmother over the fact that she was playing music very loudly in the car. He had turned it down, he had thought that she screamed at him (he says this a lot, when in reality it's more of a raised voice), and he had called her a bitch.
> After the car ride, my brother had tried venting to me and I showed him that it is not his car and she can listen to what she wants and therefore needs to respect that, she drives him everywhere, and is very compassionate to him even when he is rude and disrespectful to everyone.
> ...


Yep, I have an autistic sister and the thing is is that autism manifests it's self in people in different ways. So what I have to say may or may not help you. My sister gets very frustrated when people try to teach her something that she doesn't understand. She knows she is different and gets mad at herself for not understanding some things and will lash out at people who she thinks are overly critical of her or are impatient with her. She is very blunt about what she says to people and does not hold back. She has gotten much better about this over the years though.

Something I have found that works for her is to try to relate to her though cartoon characters she's obsessed with. She is usually very eager to talk to someone about them. So say, she went through the same thing your brother did. I might set up the same scenario with the characters thereby removing her from the situation to avoid criticizing her and talk to her about it in an indirect way. She might not always quite get it, but I think the main thing she wants is for someone to talk to, understand, and respect her.


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## Korra (Feb 28, 2015)

Slagasauras said:


> I feel very frustrated by his actions quite a lot, I do not understand him at times. I understand that he has a disability where he does not understand the reasoning of others, yet this is harder to completely enforce into a more beneficial way of consoling him when he is like this.


I really, really share your frustration man. Having a younger autistic sibling is a daily struggle. It's very isolating to feel like no one can truly offer a helping hand; due to how much of a spectrum autism is, no one seems able to pin down quality techniques to help alleviate the toll it has on the child as well as immediate family. No matter how many times my family and I tell and show my little brother that smashing windows causes pain to himself, or how him biting us doesn't solve anything, or how he needs to wear clothes, or how whatever business he needs to do should go in a toilet and not in his room, etc... 
I love my brother, but it really is indeed difficult. I want my own life too, y'know? And so do you. Yet, well, it seems as though we may have to cater our lives around him for a long time. At least until there's something groundbreaking in the research of autism, but at the moment, advice is rather too general, due to again, autism being a spectrum disorder. 

The heartbreaking truth is that you can't really change your brother's line of thinking... 

I'm sorry for sounding so much of a downer, but after so many tried and failed methods, including dealing with arrogant doctors whom think medication is a magic miracle (which has done nothing beneficial but add worsening behavior), I suppose we just have to wait it out until something remarkable comes around...


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## EyesOpen (Apr 3, 2013)

I know your example is probably just one instance where he creates fights but just wanted to say that it is very common for people with autism to have sensory sensitivities. If he is sensitive to sound, radio may sound very loud when it is normal to others, grandma talking just a little louder may sound like yelling to him. Additionally, these sensitivities can set off the nervous system into fight-or-flight mode which can increase agitation and negative behaviors. Other common sensitivities include light touch, bright lights, "busy" environments (e.g., lots of people, movement, sounds, visuals), and intense movements such as spinning or swinging. 

Idk if that type of perspective helps. Usually stuff like quiet time in a less stimulating environment and/or deep/weighted pressure through the joints can counteract that and bring calming.


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## Hurricane Matthew (Nov 9, 2012)

I have autism and I actually relate to your brother in your opening post. Like what @EyesOpen mentions, autistic people are prone to sensory overload and it can be very painful in a way that nobody else understands. I've been in the situation many times before where everything seems way too loud or with too many things moving in a bright visual space ((like a large crowd at a fair)). I'd complain about this to my parents/family members but they'd never take me seriously, which is frustrating. They'd think the overstimulating environment was fun while it made me dizzy, frustrated and prone to lashing out, and I've experienced the "fight or flight" mode over this stuff, too. I'm easily affected by stimulating environments and it'll throw me over the edge when there's too much of it for too long, even if everyone else is totally fine with it. Too much noise is literally _painful_ for me and I wouldn't be surprised if your brother was the same. Most people who don't have autism don't understand how easily autistic people can be overstimulated by their environment, but it's a very real thing that those of us with autism can't change. Is it really so hard for your grandmother to lower the volume of the music? Why is it so important that it has to be loud?

The most difficult thing about being autistic is that everyone around you wants to shove you into a mold you'll never fit into because non-autistic people have some idea of how everyone "should" be and "should" think, then declare you as an illogical person all because you think differently and experience the world differently from everyone else. It doesn't help that a lot of people with autism are bad at explaining things verbally, making communication to non-autistic family members extremely hard. For me, I word myself way better through written words than by speaking and speaking brings on its own anxieties because everyone wants me to speak quickly and precisely without any patience towards my difficulty with speech.

If he is like me, I'd suggest be more patient, turn down the music volume and when he starts lashing out and being stressed, have him go somewhere quiet with minimal sound and light. I find the easiest way for me to calm down is to lock myself in my room for a while with no lights on and a blanket over my head ((if it's bright and the middle of the day)). Shutting out everything is really helpful.

Like what has been said, it is a spectrum disorder, but I thought I'd throw in my side since the sensory overload thing affects me frequently and it makes me frustrated when nobody else gets it and would rather have me suffer.



Lindsay Weir said:


> The heartbreaking truth is that you can't really change your brother's line of thinking...


It's more heartbreaking that all people want to do is change lines of thinking they don't understand instead of trying to see another point of view :/


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## angelfish (Feb 17, 2011)

Edit - I see a lot of people thought of this before me  

Do you know if your brother has sensory sensitivity? I have someone close to me on the spectrum and certain sensations (noise included) are very unpleasant to him and can really make him panic and shut down.



Matvey said:


> It's more heartbreaking that all people want to do is change lines of thinking they don't understand instead of trying to see another point of view :/


Thank you for talking about it like in your post, though, because the more neurotypicals are exposed to on-spectrum perspectives and lines of thought, the better we can understand that seeing through your point of view and adapting to that really isn't that hard. I think a lot of times autism seems very confusing from the outside, and hearing a person on the spectrum describe what it is like to be inside their mind is so very helpful in bridging that gap.


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## Korra (Feb 28, 2015)

Matvey said:


> It's more heartbreaking that all people want to do is change lines of thinking they don't understand instead of trying to see another point of view :/


I should clarify that I should had chosen my word choice carefully and I'm thankful you pointed this out to me. 

I was referring mostly about how it's difficult, for my brother at least, to understand harmful things are, well, harmful. He loves to bang on glass for example, but even though he has seen first-hand how it shatters and pierces his skin and causes him to bleed, it doesn't stop him from doing it. It's those things I hope he can eventually understand, or really, understand it's a harmful thing to inflect on one's self.


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## kyu (Apr 14, 2015)

People with autism are very sensitive, especially when it comes to auditory senses. My student would always cover his ears whenever his classmates are noisy. Always remember that people with autism "live in their own world" and if you try to "disrupt" their world, they WILL get mad. So, instead of telling your brother things that he should and should not be doing, try diverting his attention to a different thing. 

In addition to this, some people with autism have routines. For example, whenever my student enters the classroom, he always touches the picture of the globe at the back of the room and when we sing certain songs, he always takes my hand and places it on top of his head. There was never a day when he didn't do this. Just keep up with this. The best way to deal with this is not be involved with his routines because it will be hard for him if you're not there, and he won't be able to complete his routine. He may throw a fit.


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## electricky (Feb 18, 2011)

Slagasauras said:


> Hello!
> 
> My brother has autism and gets in fights frequently with my family members over things he says, for instance, earlier this morning, he got in a fight with my grandmother over the fact that she was playing music very loudly in the car. He had turned it down, he had thought that she screamed at him (he says this a lot, when in reality it's more of a raised voice), and he had called her a bitch.
> After the car ride, my brother had tried venting to me and I showed him that it is not his car and she can listen to what she wants and therefore needs to respect that, she drives him everywhere, and is very compassionate to him even when he is rude and disrespectful to everyone.
> ...


Have you actually tried showing him how the logic of his arguments is flawed? He might respond to that more than simply being told the error of his ways in an emotional tone. I'm mildly autistic, and one thing I know that when you're stressed out, angry, and confused on top of all that means that when you begin to realize the emotional and non-literal nuances of other people, it's scary, and you begin to fear that that negative tone speaks implies a greater hatred. This might explain why he lashed out at his grandmother and why he thinks you want to disown him. He probably has some sort of cohesive reasoning behind his actions but cannot express it fully. And I can understand his side.... sensory overload and such and getting rid of it as easily as possible - communicating with words can be difficult to impossible in sensory overload. It's often hard enough for us to communicate even in more calm sensory environments (Thank goodness for AAC and the Internet!). He probably didn't mean to be rude but just couldn't find the more sophisticated polite set of words. Maybe he thinks the grandmother should have known better than to put loud music on with him and so the whole music thing seemed to be like some intentional act of war. But yeah be very clear and logical in your reasoning and allow him to express himself as fully as he can and maybe you two can reach some sort of understanding.


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## Pressed Flowers (Oct 8, 2014)

Unfortunately, as someone who has worked closely with children with autism and who has a few best friends with autism... I can really see where he's coming from. I just feel terrible, like it's so unfortunate because the world doesn't understand them, and it just... I don't know, I get sad. 

Other responses will probably be more helpful than mine. Honestly I think your family should keep tolerating him... but also embracing him, and making him comfortable, working with him and his... well, his literal special needs. The music thing especially sounds like misphonia, and I can easily see why he would be of defensive and feel targeted if people are misunderstanding the things he specifically needs, like that loud noises to him are especially unpleasant and that conflict and people not understanding him is especially overwhelming. 

I mean it's nothing against you, a lot of people are this way, but I get sad when people aren't understanding about autism. The example with the music is especially sad to me, because as has been said loud music is just intolerable to some people with autism, it's not just him being stubborn about that but it's he's _literally being hurt, being put in pain_ by the loud music. It's just so sad that people don't understand this. It's also why I could never be a special ed teacher, I know that children with autism and similar disabilities need to be taught to function in our society but I get so frustrated because to me they're already suffering and adjusting to our society enough, our society needs to be slapped and learn how to take care of those who need to be taken care of. Unfortunately that's not how our world works, but that fact doesn't stop me from being bitter about our flawed society. 

Sorry, this must seem really aggressive. It is kind that you are trying to understand your brother, but to be completely honest I think that your family would benefit from learning about the special needs of those with autism, such as things like loud noises, and go out of your way to make sure that those things are taken care of and that he is made as comfortable as possible, especially within his own household and with his family. I'm sure you guys have definitely done that to some extent, but honestly if you aren't already aware of how loud noises can be devastating to those with autism it sounds like there's a lot more out there for you all to learn.


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## Ninjaws (Jul 10, 2014)

Slagasauras said:


> Hello!
> 
> My brother has autism and gets in fights frequently with my family members over things he says, for instance, earlier this morning, he got in a fight with my grandmother over the fact that she was playing music very loudly in the car. He had turned it down, he had thought that she screamed at him (he says this a lot, when in reality it's more of a raised voice), and he had called her a bitch.
> After the car ride, my brother had tried venting to me and I showed him that it is not his car and she can listen to what she wants and therefore needs to respect that, she drives him everywhere, and is very compassionate to him even when he is rude and disrespectful to everyone.
> ...


Deleted, because I have no friggin' idea what I'm talking about.


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## FourLeafCloafer (Aug 5, 2014)

Slagasauras said:


> Hello!
> 
> My brother has autism and gets in fights frequently with my family members over things he says, for instance, earlier this morning, he got in a fight with my grandmother over the fact that she was playing music very loudly in the car. He had turned it down, he had thought that she screamed at him (he says this a lot, when in reality it's more of a raised voice), and he had called her a bitch.
> After the car ride, my brother had tried venting to me and I showed him that it is not his car and she can listen to what she wants and therefore needs to respect that, she drives him everywhere, and is very compassionate to him even when he is rude and disrespectful to everyone.
> ...


Right. I'm autistic myself, and I'll try to explain my vision on this situation a bit. However, Autistic people are people, so they are all different. It depends on the severity of the disorder in the different fields in life what might apply, and the willingness to learn to cope with it _and_ life experience (i.e. age) Don't assume that my understanding of the situation is correct.

Seems like your brother has trouble with his auditory information - I can relate, I have the same thing, particularly when I'm not feeling good already. (Eating late is hell, cutlery clanking against plates is the worst, loudest sound in the world in such a situation.) Many people with autism have this thing where sensations are enhanced to such a degree that they become painfull when they seem normal to other people. That's why we might talk really loudly (to raise our voice above the percieved racket) and at the same time cringe at a slightly raised voice. It's probably hard to buy clothes with him as well, isn't it? It doesn't help that we have trouble distinguishing anger from irritation, so the stressful situation (in a car, out of control, lot's of things to see outside, loud, maybe painful music) became worse when he tried to improve the situation (turning down the music) because he interpreted your grandma's emotions wrong. Try to make clear to him that next time he could try explaining that the music is to loud for him and ask her to turn it down. Say it bluntly and without too much emotion. Make clear that you want to help and don't use euphemisms or implicit language. Don't forget to mention that calling someone a bitch is never justified.

It doesn't matter that it is her car and she can do what she likes; he knows as well as we all do that we need to accommodate each other and he will find it unfair that he has to be considerate to her but she doesn't have to be considerate to him (that's how he'll probably perceive it anyway - that he has to endure pain for her comfort's sake.) It is good that you try to explain to him how other people think, however. Next time, try to ask him what he thinks other people thought, that can be a great learning exercise for both of you (Because it shows you how he thinks and him how you think other people think) and it might help you to understand his reasons for doing things - Autists have a knack for leaving out their motivations because we assume that they are crystal clear. It would be best to talk to him once he has calmed down, he probably doesn't even know himself that he is being emotional.


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## Slagasauras (Jun 26, 2013)

Hi everyone! I'm a busy college student, but I've read over most of the posts so far. Thank you for offering such kind advice! 
I'll get to them all sometime after this week, but please do not think I am ignoring you! 
Finals week makes me just want to flip a table.
(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻


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## Korra (Feb 28, 2015)

Ninjaws said:


> This doesn't seem to be a problem of just autism. He sounds extremely self-absorbed. Is it perhaps the case that he is not being disciplined simply because of the autism? I recommend against that. If he sees that he can get away with everything because of his condition, he will just walk all over you.
> 
> I encourage not giving him special treatment just because of his condition. If I was him I'd want to be treated like everyone else instead of a special snowflake. If he is rude, tell him. If he doesn't care, discipline him accordingly.


I would have really disagree here and this is really the type of case where you have to have experience with these kind of situations before giving advice like this. 

You need to disassociate his brother from being a 'bratty kid' (I know you didn't outright say this, but the way it's written, that's the tone I gather). For instance, when your parents tell you to go to your room after doing something rude, that's your time to reflect and offer an apology explaining why such and such thing was wrong; you also start to get the idea that doing "A" will lead you to "B" (your room), so you eventually stop. When you send an autistic child to their room (or anywhere it's mostly quiet), most specifically a more severe case of autism, that's time for him or her cool down and to shut off the loud environment (and hopefully the family does their part to not thump loud music, run around, be loud, etc). Because here's the thing, if you yell at them or show loud behavior, they will lash out even more than you could imagine. 

Again, this is really two languages here, and I'm sorry but, with what appears to be a lack of experience in dealing with the "autistic language", your advice can make the situation very, very bad.


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## GoosePeelings (Nov 10, 2013)

My brother has asperger's, a milder version of autism. He's very similar, with saying the sounds are too loud and getting angry and frustrated easily, which makes it even worse for him. I'm usually fine with turning the music off, since it hurts his ears. It's important to be calm and to not speak too loudly. I always end up bribing him so that he stays silent.


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## Sophia1 (Oct 7, 2014)

Its very frustrating to everyone. He is not understanding you, and you are not understanding him. The pure barrier of that is extremely frustrating to everyone. 
One of the most important things that I've learnt, is how to de-escalate a situation. Autistic peoples are often hypersensitive to everything. The slightest change in a voice may feel like you are yelling. The other important thing is to figure out how he vents his anger. Defensiveness is often their natural reaction then they shutdown and lose control. Its important to de-escalate the situation and end the argument. ie. the radio is playing, in a very calm and quiet voice respond, yes we can turn it down but it is grandma's car so she can listen to it. then there is no more discussion. He needs time to THINK about what you just said. When you argue back and forth they aren't processing anything after the first statement. No more discussion. Its really important not to keep arguing back and forth because it pushes them to be even more defensive and to shut down. The sooner the discussion ends the better. De-escalating the situation and not letting yourself get upset is critical.


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## Ninjaws (Jul 10, 2014)

Lindsay Weir said:


> I would have really disagree here and this is really the type of case where you have to have experience with these kind of situations before giving advice like this.
> 
> You need to disassociate his brother from being a 'bratty kid' (I know you didn't outright say this, but the way it's written, that's the tone I gather). For instance, when your parents tell you to go to your room after doing something rude, that's your time to reflect and offer an apology explaining why such and such thing was wrong; you also start to get the idea that doing "A" will lead you to "B" (your room), so you eventually stop. When you send an autistic child to their room (or anywhere it's mostly quiet), most specifically a more severe case of autism, that's time for him or her cool down and to shut off the loud environment (and hopefully the family does their part to not thump loud music, run around, be loud, etc). Because here's the thing, if you yell at them or show loud behavior, they will lash out even more than you could imagine.
> 
> Again, this is really two languages here, and I'm sorry but, with what appears to be a lack of experience in dealing with the "autistic language", your advice can make the situation very, very bad.


You are correct, I have no experience with a person with autism. I'm sorry if my advice was poor, I couldn't help relate it back to a fully functioning person. Hat's off to anyone who can raise such a difficult child (I know they can't help it, but that doesn't make it any easier for the parents/siblings).


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## Pressed Flowers (Oct 8, 2014)

Ninjaws said:


> You are correct, I have no experience with a person with autism. I'm sorry if my advice was poor, I couldn't help relate it back to a fully functioning person. Hat's off to anyone who can raise such a difficult child (I know they can't help it, but that doesn't make it any easier for the parents/siblings).


That makes a lot of sense then. I was also a bit put off, but I know from other places on here that you must have had some misunderstanding to say something like that. 

But I also want to say that to think of children with autism as "difficult" and to imply that they are not "fully functioning" is not a good way to approach this either. The functioning labels help in the classroom and for medical reasons, but I think they also cheapen the humanity of those with disabilities such as autism. I also really don't think it's appropriate to see anyone as "difficult". The situation might be difficult, and undoubtedly it is, but ultimately a child with autism is very much also just a child. 

Sorry, I may be being 'SJW'-y, but as a very disabled person disability activism is very important to me. I can't stand it when people cheapen the beauty of someone because of their disability. I know of course that's not what you're intentionally doing here, but especially as someone who doesn't have experience with people with autism knowing these basic things about how having any child (with autism or not) is a privilege and that while in the classroom they may be labeled "partially-functioning" or w/e they are ultimately fully functioning in their humanity, could be very useful to you in the future interactions you will inevitably have with disabled persons.


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## Razare (Apr 21, 2009)

If it were me, I would just teach my bro about healing, so he would not have to live autistic. Trying to convince parents about healing is probably more difficult? Either way works, though, if he is young enough.






Solving the problem is a lot more useful than trying to live around it. Even if you have to walk out the healing gradually, any improvement is great. It took me about a year and a half to get off my psych meds and manifest the healing, but I was about 80% healed right after I learned about healing and accepted it. I could function, where as before I knew about healing, I was pretty much useless.


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