# Advice for dealing with an INFP and emotional people in general?



## JakeTinker (Feb 28, 2021)

I will not expound on more details than necessary, but here's some context.

Basically, I have this very close INFP Friend that I've known for a few years. We've mostly been able to keep in touch virtually on a regular basis (being mindful not to unnecessarily use up _too much_ of our time), until she started dating some random person she met online after chatting for a few weeks, which is odd, since Friend is the kind if person that takes really long to warm up to someone. Now, Friend has been communicating much less often to her other real life friends (whom I also keep in touch with) and has been unhealthily active on social media.

While excess screentime may not be too concerning to some, I know her well enough to tell that this isn't like her. At all. Though she's relatively active on an art community, she usually doesn't dedicate a majority of her time to social media, being a very reserved person who isn't keen on social cues, even virtual ones. During the few times we do communicate, she seems fine, but I noticed that she blatantly avoids any questions about even the most minuscule of short-term plans ("When do you wanna hang out?","Wanna play × game tomorrow noon?" etc.), and she takes the slightest criticisms a bit too seriously but doesn't take her offense into account until I bring it up myself. Frankly, I'm stumped. I very gently remind Friend to take the future into account and make plans every now and then just to make it so she doesn't just pursue everything she does out of pure impulse, and she doesn't really make much improvements. Or if she already did, they haven't manifested yet.

*TLDR*: INFP Friend is being very irrational due to an infatuation over a guy from another continent that she's known for a short while, and I need advice on how to tell her to get real and quit being so childishly impulsive without seeming like a total jerk.


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## Celtsincloset (Feb 17, 2014)

Remind your friend that you don't want to tell her what to do, but you want to give her your point of view, to simply help support her decision-making? If she's knows you've got her best interests in heart, she'll listen to what you have to say?


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## JakeTinker (Feb 28, 2021)

Man, I haven't thought of that first one, thank you, @Celtsincloset .Sometimes I tend to get so objective and logic-centric that I forget to mention that it's for her own good. Thank.

Also, I have reminded her a few times that I reiterate the facts at hand to prevent her from running into unnecessary conflicts in the long run, but I guess it isn't just what I say, but _how I say it._


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## Celtsincloset (Feb 17, 2014)

JakeTinker said:


> Man, I haven't thought of that first one, thank you, @Celtsincloset .Sometimes I tend to get so objective and logic-centric that I forget to mention that it's for her own good. Thank.
> 
> Also, I have reminded her a few times that I reiterate the facts at hand to prevent her from running into unnecessary conflicts in the long run, but I guess it isn't just what I say, but _how I say it._


You got it.


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## DOGSOUP (Jan 29, 2016)

How do you know it's all connected to that guy? I wonder if something else is going on too.

Anyway, I had a somewhat similar experience with INFP where I expressed I didn't understand why she kept putting herself in bad/hurtful situations with people (one guy in particular), she got really piss & vinegary with me and flat out told me I didn't know what I was talking about. The way I brought it up wasn't the issue, it was what I had to say because she simply wasn't ready to hear it. Since I said my piece already I decided to shut up about it and let her figure it out on her own.

Turns out I was right so eventually the INFP ended the situation very low-key and never brought it up since. At the time I felt like a shitty friend for "letting it go", but now I am glad I didn't at least break any boundary in that situation & didn't over assert my view of the situation or try solve it for her.


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## JakeTinker (Feb 28, 2021)

@DOGSOUP, I didn't necessarily imply that it was all connected to the guy, but more on her weird behavior. Sorry if I was vague.

Anyway, thanks for that example. I've been considering subtly distancing myself from Friend for a certain amount of time before we truly reconnect, and I'll shoot her the occasional message reminding her that I'm there to help, being mindful not to be too pushy. I'm narrowing my options down and I'll figure something out soon, so thanks for the reminder about boundaries.


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## Dreamcatcherplaceboeffect (Dec 24, 2020)

INFP’s in general are very romantic creatures so none of what you are saying really surprises me at all. As a J, you thrive on consistency. You do not understand why your Feeling/Perceiving friend is suddenly acting differently, but I don’t think this is inconsistent at all for an INFP, who likes to keep their plans on the tentative side and will oftentimes consciously or unconsciously romanticize and prioritize a new romantic interest. (I’m not saying this in a negative way! I, myself am an INFx.)

The worst thing you can do, is stomp all over her daydreams and fantasies. Do this, and she will get frustrated with you, and probably perceive you as unreasonably controlling! She may start to shut you out, or at the very least, shut you out of that particular area of her life.

If you want to lure your INFP friend back into the “real” world, you’re going to have to speak her language so she doesn’t feel attacked. That means saying things like, “I feel like you don’t make time for me anymore. I miss when you would hang out with me.” You’re going to have to make it personal and engage her feelings, if you want to see results. Otherwise you will just continue to butt heads until she starts shutting you out. (If things do not work out for her with this romantic love interest, she may close off to you because she doesn’t want to get an “I told you so” thrown in her face.)

So, I would generally just try to be supportive, if you want to keep her in your life. That is what INFP’s prize most. Give them support, and they will be more likely to come to you if they do have a problem and need advice.


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## DOGSOUP (Jan 29, 2016)

JakeTinker said:


> @DOGSOUP, I didn't necessarily imply that it was all connected to the guy, but more on her weird behavior. Sorry if I was vague.
> 
> Anyway, thanks for that example. I've been considering subtly distancing myself from Friend for a certain amount of time before we truly reconnect, and I'll shoot her the occasional message reminding her that I'm there to help, being mindful not to be too pushy. I'm narrowing my options down and I'll figure something out soon, so thanks for the reminder about boundaries.


Yeah I see now how you meant it. Overall, it's very easy for these situations to lead into people getting defensive about what they are feeling and how they are doing more generally, but it's completely fair for you to be concerned and express that (and I think part of being friends, depending on how close you guys are, means you should). Patience helps with the defensiveness, avoidance is more difficult to tackle.


Dreamcatcherplaceboeffect said:


> (If things do not work out for her with this romantic love interest, she may close off to you because she doesn’t want to get an “I told you so” thrown in her face.)


oh that explains what happened with my friend I guess


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## Summer70 (Feb 27, 2021)

I can't judge the context, but the interactions remind me of an INFPxENTJ couple I know.

The INFP told me that she was unhappy when the ENTJ gave him unsolicited advice or quick-fix solutions without understanding her first. (Meaning, at least trying to ask questions about the situations, about how she feels, about why she does that, about why she doesn't do another thing, and so on, without judging.)

She also said that she often knows what she must do, but she needs emotional support before going on. Her interaction with her ENTJ boyfriend often made her feel worse (which made her even more stagnant because she had to cope with these negative interactions emotionally), which led to avoidance, passive-aggressiveness, and then the break-up. She's now with a more emotionally supportive boyfriend, and she definitely is more positively active now. She opens up; she relaxes; she doesn't indulge, she gets things done, I'm happy she found her fit.

What I learned from it is that it's often good to trust people's judgments, or at least show trust in their judgments even if we disagree. It allows mutual trust, opening, connection, and communication to happen. Second, unsolicited advice tends to backfire, not because they're bad, but because they're unsolicited in the first place. Third, it's important to offer to support the way the person wants to be supported. Advices or emotional support if that's what's asked - when it's asked, but not when it's unwelcomed.




JakeTinker said:


> Frankly, I'm stumped. I very gently remind Friend to take the future into account and make plans every now and then just to make it so she doesn't just pursue everything she does out of pure impulse, and she doesn't really make much improvements. Or if she already did, they haven't manifested."


On this case for example, it might go smoother in terms of communication with an "emotional person", if instead of telling her to take the future into account (and so on), you say that you are currently worried about her/your relationship (because you care about her) and start a conversation from here. She might be more open to what you have to say after that.


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## JakeTinker (Feb 28, 2021)

Thanks for the insight, @Dreamcatcherplaceboeffect , I found that useful. Admittedly, I (and probably a lot of other Thinkers) do have a tendency to value efficiency in solving interpersonal problems to such extents that I forget to express my encouragement and care, since emotions tend to be considered almost always second.


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## Dreamcatcherplaceboeffect (Dec 24, 2020)

JakeTinker said:


> Thanks for the insight, @Dreamcatcherplaceboeffect , I found that useful. Admittedly, I (and probably a lot of other Thinkers) do have a tendency to value efficiency in solving interpersonal problems to such extents that I forget to express my encouragement and care, since emotions tend to be considered almost always second.


Sure thing. I’m close to mid-continuum for Thinking vs Feeling so I’m not a particularly “soft” INFx, and am generally used to be around others who are more candid. I use PerC a lot to figure out how to better relate to other personality types.

I hope things work out between you and your friend.


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## Electra (Oct 24, 2014)

JakeTinker said:


> Thanks for the insight, @Dreamcatcherplaceboeffect , I found that useful. Admittedly, I (and probably a lot of other Thinkers) do have a tendency to value efficiency in solving interpersonal problems to such extents that I forget to express my encouragement and care, since emotions tend to be considered almost always second.


Yep, just remember that for us we put values first and prioritize those.


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

Do you have a crush on her?


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## Dreamcatcherplaceboeffect (Dec 24, 2020)

mia-me said:


> Do you have a crush on her?


Bahaha, I wondered but wasn’t going to say it.


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

Dreamcatcherplaceboeffect said:


> Bahaha, I wondered but wasn’t going to say it.


There was a possessive edge to it that isn't usual for male friends, especially introverted males.


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## DOGSOUP (Jan 29, 2016)

mia-me said:


> There was a possessive edge to it that isn't usual for male friends, especially introverted males.


It's not supposed to be usual? IME it happens a lot lol, less so with extrovert dudes


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

DOGSOUP said:


> It's not supposed to be usual? IME it happens a lot lol, less so with extrovert dudes


Sure, for introverted males who are orbiting the object of their desire but not when it comes to true platonic friends. Also, the Internet is the playground for introverts. Why would an introvert have a problem with another introvert spending more time on the Internet?


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## Deuce (Feb 16, 2021)

Well I was in a similar situation lately where I had traded real life (and responsibilities) for a completely virtual existence, all the while knowing perfectly that was not a good idea at all hence acting extra evasive with people around me to avoid being scrutinized over this bad decision of mine. The thing is that "waking" up your friend by expecting immediate resolution on her side might not be the most feasible thing to do rn, those situations can take some time to unravel or can need a softer touch. So maybe instead you could try to just patiently encourage her to see her friends and go outside and remind her of emotional connections she has in the real world with you and others. Or if you're not confident in your ability to do it sufficiently gently, encourage your common friends to do so. What's the situation with the guy ? Do you think she's smitten or it's just some way to escape the real world ? In any case, maybe you could remind her that if she needs to talk about the guy, you're here to offer a listening ear if need be (without prying, just offering).


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## Electra (Oct 24, 2014)

I think these are things people need to figure out by them selves. All others can do is to respect them and be there. Even if you think she struggles to walk the path; she has to walk the path her self but you may walk the path beside her.


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

Electra said:


> I thibk these are things people need to figure out by them selves. All others can do is to respect them and be there. Even if they struggle to walk the path; they have to walk the path her self but you might walk the path beside her.


People don't own their friends and their friends aren't an extension of the person, living their lives to please the other person's conceptions of how to live life. Enjoy your life as you see fit and if you need more time with your friend, presuming it's a non-crush situation, let her know. But if you take the internet element out of this, how is her situation any different than any other couple IRL during their honeymoon phase where they're bonding, and tend to ignore their friends during that time?


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## Electra (Oct 24, 2014)

mia-me said:


> People don't own their friends and their friends aren't an extension of the person, living their lives to please the other person's conceptions of how to live life. Enjoy your life as you see fit and if you need more time with your friend, presuming it's a non-crush situation, let her know. But if you take the internet element out of this, how is her situation any different than any other couple IRL during their honeymoon phase where they're bonding, and tend to ignore their friends during that time?


Not just their honeymoon. I'd say allmost all crushes are like that...


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

Electra said:


> Not just their honeymoon. I'd say allmost all crushes are like that...


Yes. I was using 'honeymoon' as a metaphor for the bonding period.


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## Electra (Oct 24, 2014)

It might also be that:
-if she spends time with another guy, the crush might misunderstand
-that he is jealous of you
- that she finds it hard to talk about these vulnarable feelings to others


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## Zoingeroni (Dec 30, 2020)

"Childishly impulsive". That's a very judgmental insult. What's wrong with you lol?

i agree with the poster talking about an INFP x ENTJ relationship. Emotional people need reassurance and validation. Especially Fi doms. I'm not sure about all INFPs but i constantly feel like my emotions are dumb and wrong and nonsensical (doesn't help that im tritype 469 lol). I need emotional support before i can even _begin_ to act.

I have an ENTJ friend who's actually really supportive like that (she's also really emotional and has also been through a lot of therapy). I have an ESTJ friend who does default to questionable advice lol, but she's surprisingly willing to listen and ask questions about my mind, compared to the pushy "i know best" "why aren't you changing" INFJ tritype 269 "friends" i had.

Also, i find that unsolicited advicers overestimate how helpful they are lol. If you haven't taken the time to understand them, you are _not_ in a position to state what's best for them.

Still, if the person doesn't pick up the advice, even if it's well-intentioned or seems useful, you have failed at identifying their real problem and what they really need. Emotional problems are complex.

Being worried about someone means you should ask questions about how they are and state your concern. Pick her mind to get a sense of how it's working (if she's willing to be open). Judgment and advice can come later.

And sorry but how is internet interest so concerning lol? INxx types are the most likely to be obsessed with the interwebs. It's definitely possible she's going through a depressive episode or something, but she also might have found just how cool websites can be. How old is she?


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## JakeTinker (Feb 28, 2021)

@mia-me I'm not "attracted" to her in that wat, but I understand why you interpreted it in such a manner lol.

She isn't my type; I care about the girl a lot because Friend is very authentic and we've spent enough time with each other to be healthily 'close, that's it'. Specially considering her recklessness, I don't think it's ever a good idea to romantically pursue someone so irrational.



mia-me said:


> Also, the Internet is the playground for introverts. Why would an introvert have a problem w


To clarify, it's not that I have a problem with her being active online, she was always semi-active on social media and some other communities; the odd part was that she usually doesn''t just withdraw for no immediately discernible reason like she just did. Apologies for the vagueness.

Also, the 'possessive edge' I have isn't too uncommon of a thing, I'd call it protectiveness. She isn't my property or anything like that, I just look after her because she's quite bad at doing it herself. Still, I find that to be a helpful reminder to let her live how she wants while retaining the support.


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## Electra (Oct 24, 2014)

JakeTinker said:


> @mia-me I'm not "attracted" to her in that wat, but I understand why you interpreted it in such a manner lol.
> 
> She isn't my type; I care about the girl a lot because Friend is very authentic and we've spent enough time with each other to be healthily 'close, that's it'. Specially considering her recklessness, I don't think it's ever a good idea to romantically pursue someone so irrational.
> 
> ...


It is nice of you to care for people but maybe she does not want that kind of protection from you. Maybe she wants to be free?


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## JakeTinker (Feb 28, 2021)

Electra said:


> Maybe she wants to be free?


I never 'restrained' her, nor have I openly dictated her decisions. I merely give her more reasonable options for her own good. (Eg. "How about you get to know this guy in depth for a few more weeks, just to be sure?" "Maybe you shouldn't spend half your day on that game, it's starting to get concerning.")

Now, I don't wanna be an incompetent friend by not looking after her at all, but maybe I am getting a bit protective.


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## Electra (Oct 24, 2014)

JakeTinker said:


> I never 'restrained' her, nor have I openly dictated her decisions. I merely give her more reasonable options for her own good. (Eg. "How about you get to know this guy in depth for a few more weeks, just to be sure?" "Maybe you shouldn't spend half your day on that game, it's starting to get concerning.")
> 
> Now, I don't wanna be an incompetent friend by not looking after her at all, but maybe I am getting a bit protective.


You are a cutie. 😄


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

JakeTinker said:


> To clarify, it's not that I have a problem with her being active online, she was always semi-active on social media and some other communities; the odd part was that she usually doesn''t just withdraw for no immediately discernible reason like she just did. Apologies for the vagueness.


It's common practice for people to spend less time with friends after they meet someone. It's perfectly normal to do so since people are hopped up on bonding hormones.



> Also, the 'possessive edge' I have isn't too uncommon of a thing, I'd call it protectiveness. She isn't my property or anything like that, I just look after her because she's quite bad at doing it herself. Still, I find that to be a helpful reminder to let her live how she wants while retaining the support.


Regardless of her abilities, as assessed by yourself, avoid nagging her and allow her to make her own decisions about how to live life. Of course, if she asks you for advice, that's a different story. Whether the outcome is positive or negative would be irrelevant since she has to experience life. The vast majority of relationships are primarily positive in nature and rich learning experiences, especially relative to compatibility. Also, relationships don't necessarily have to be forever. It's that post breakup, people tend to trash their exs, especially people that get dumped who are seeking sympathy from others. Convenient memories, et al.


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## JakeTinker (Feb 28, 2021)

Zoingeroni said:


> "Childishly impulsive". That's a very judgmental insult. What's wrong with you lol?


It's not an insult, though I admit I am considerably judgemental. Everyone has moments where they choose, judge, or act something out with minimal conscious thought, but it's a different kind of impulsive when someone actively - and almost exclusively - does things 'because my feelings said so', with the barest hints of discernible reason, hence childish. I can see why you erroneously misinterpreted my aim here, but I don't criticize Friend to demean her, I'm openly constructive so I can help her if needed.



Zoingeroni said:


> Judgment and advice can come later.


Good suggestion. I'll consider that.



Zoingeroni said:


> And sorry but how is internet interest so concerning lol? INxx types are the most likely to be obsessed with the interwebs. It's definitely possible she's going through a depressive episode or something, but she also might have found just how cool websites can be. How old is she?


Again, it's not _just _the internet interest, it's the unhealthily large amount of time she invests in it. I'm the one who knows her here, and I know full well that she mainly uses the internet for communication with virtual friends, art, the occasional game, and sometimes pron if we're deathly bored, but it doesn't normally take up _that_ much of her time. Though childlike, she's far from inept and knows just how intuitive the most informative sites are. Friend recently turned 16.


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## Zoingeroni (Dec 30, 2020)

JakeTinker said:


> Friend recently turned 16.


Lol and here i was worried cuz i thought you were adults. Teens go through a lot of changes and identity exploration. Teen brains are swept up in emotion and hormones and impulses and black-and-white thinking. I see "what's wrong with you" is just that you're young  I see your side of things, though sometimes being "childish" brings fun into life! It could very well be that something's going wrong in her life to make her act this way, but rotating behavior and crush obsessions are normal teenage past times, as well as wondering why others act the way they do  It sounds like you're a good friend though and will figure it out in time!


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## HAL (May 10, 2014)

INXPs can be pretty impulsive. Anything that creates a sense of adventure, newness, discovery etc, we dive into it.

I have a good INFP mate and we've talked about a lot of wild things during lockdown, and we would definitely do them if it weren't for this bastard covid getting in the way.

Conversely, I have J-type friends who simply cannot understand the impulsiveness or bravery that we exhibit with such ideas. Sadly it's just one of those things. Instead of being mad at your mate, you're just gonna have to let her ride it out.


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## mia-me (Feb 5, 2021)

Zoingeroni said:


> I have an ENTJ friend who's actually really supportive like that (she's also really emotional and has also been through a lot of therapy).


Can't speak for other ENTJs but I don't judge people close to me unless they judge me. Then it's game on where they don't enjoy what they're dishing.


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## ENTJudgement (Oct 6, 2013)

JakeTinker said:


> I will not expound on more details than necessary, but here's some context.
> 
> Basically, I have this very close INFP Friend that I've known for a few years. We've mostly been able to keep in touch virtually on a regular basis (being mindful not to unnecessarily use up _too much_ of our time), until she started dating some random person she met online after chatting for a few weeks, which is odd, since Friend is the kind if person that takes really long to warm up to someone. Now, Friend has been communicating much less often to her other real life friends (whom I also keep in touch with) and has been unhealthily active on social media.
> 
> ...


Theres a meme where by everytime a guy gets into a relationship, his friends host a funeral coz they all know hes basically "dead" or going to "disappear" on them. This is pretty common and nothing to concern yourself about.


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## Amenochu (Mar 2, 2021)

You need to be a good listener for Infps. They really appreciate that. If you're willing to ask about and listen simultaneously about what's going on, that could help both sides. Maybe there's more to it. She can be closed off about it too. Bt if you make it like a normal conversation flow?


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## ilovegoodcheese (Oct 28, 2017)

we use to say boyfriends come and go, but friends are forever.
maybe you can remind her that


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