# Instinctual Variant Connection to Mothering



## lilacleia16 (12 mo ago)

So…I have this friend that is tied as sexual and withdrawn and he described his relationship from birth to three with his mother as a struggle between being securely attached to her withdrawing from him to securely attach to his brothers and sisters. I wonder if that has anything to do with him being tied on both because like he could have stayed withdrawn only if he gave up on her but the fact that he’s both proves he never gave up and just adapted. See I am 100% sexual and social is hard for me and I’m not really withdrawn either. But I had all my mothers attention from birth to three and she stayed home with me and breast fed me and wore me everywhere she went so I think that deep one on one connection nurtured me to become sexual.

I was also attached even more to my Daddy. He said the sweetest things about me like that when i was born a light shone from me that lit up the whole room and that sunshine was even attracted to my smile. He thought i was special sent from God and he was always carrying me on piggyback or kissing my forehead. I miss him so much and he passed away. When he died I felt like the last person to see me as having so much worth died. i wonder if I will ever be loved like that by a spouse one day. I haven't smiled this big since before he died so this is me then.

With all that said my question to you is…what are your mothering experiences from birth to three and what is your instinctual variant result? Also post a picture of yourself if you feel comfortable and see if you can tell your instinctual variant by your picture. I think its clear to see that I have intense eyes.


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## thisisme (Apr 11, 2010)

I was attached to both parents like a lil monkey baby. probably a lil bit more my dad because he was enfp too and naturally more affectionate than my infp mom. i'm sx.


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## lilacleia16 (12 mo ago)

thisisme said:


> I was attached to both parents like a lil monkey baby. probably a lil bit more my dad because he was enfp too and naturally more affectionate than my infp mom. i'm sx.


Yeah i was also attached even more to my Daddy. He said the sweetest things about me like that when i was born a light shone from me that lit up the whole room and that sunshine was even attracted to my smile. He thought i was special sent from God and he was always carrying me on piggyback or kissing my forehead. I miss him so much and he passed away. When he died I felt like the last person to see me as having so much worth died. i wonder if I will ever be loved like that by a spouse one day. I haven't smiled this big since before he died so this is me then.


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## thisisme (Apr 11, 2010)

lilacleia16 said:


> Yeah i was also attached even more to my Daddy. He said the sweetest things about me like that when i was born a light shone from me that lit up the whole room and that sunshine was even attracted to my smile. He thought i was special sent from God and he was always carrying me on piggyback or kissing my forehead. I miss him so much and he passed away. When he died I felt like the last person to see me as having so much worth died. i wonder if I will ever be loved like that by a spouse one day.


Same...totally. 😭


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## SilentScream (Mar 31, 2011)

Relateable. My mom's an Sx 4 and we have a unique/special bond that I don't share with anyone else - nor do I want to. The world has always seemed liveable only because she's in it. During my teens and early 20s, I was bitter, suicidal and she was the only person in addition to my interest in music that got me through it. She was always there.

I have no clue how I'd react if/when she passes away. It'll be like losing one of my strongest IRL connections and I fear it might break me way more than losing my father ever did. My father was ... eh. I dunno. He tried to be a good father, but he was the typical boomer workoholic male with narcissistic tendencies. I miss him a lot, but I wasn't attached to him at all.


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## MsMojiMoe (Apr 7, 2021)

Hmm… 40% sp 40%sx. 20%so

my parents were teens parents…my mom 17 and dad 18 my dad was already into the military and they married. My mom was very loving and my dad….my dad was gone a bit my first 2 years , military life…ship duty,..etc…but We lived on base with others military families. my sis was born a year and a half after me.
At 2 1/2 they got divorced, my mom already had a boyfriend (who is still my stepdad today), they took us to live in a commune (age 2 and half) which turn out to be a cult, I don’t remember anything bad, but there was…anyway, at age 5 bc of this place (the FBI got involved) I and my sis was taken from my mom and I was given to my dad, but it turn out my sis wasn’t my dad’s child…so she went to live with my mom’s parents….Me and my dad was always moving and I was never, even when I was born, never around any family…except when my mom had me in the summer months, she and my stepdad lived with Gypsies and we travel all summer in our car with my sister, we went mining for opals, sapphires etc and they sold drugs, most of this was from Arizona to Washington over to Montana, up and down the west coast…we would visit all my family for a couple of days, both set of grandparents, my cousins etc….until I graduated.
rest got way worse with step mom (6-12 my age) after that I pretty much raised myself, dad worked 2 jobs Including military.

so, idk…traveling has always bring fond feelings, everything else seems, how do I put this, fake, everyone going thru the motions of society …ppl are very deceitful (pretending to be happy when usually it’s the opposite) ….I only like brief encounters with others, no long term, I like to be welcome or accepted by others still like meeting and talking to others but have _no desire to belong_ to a group ( in school I still did bc I was always the new kid) ….mostly I figure everything out on my own, then I’m only responsible for myself Bc it always my choices. And That I can understand and accept.


———
so sad to hear you loss your dad, I not as close to my parents but I couldn’t imagine losing a parents in my childhood, being away from my mom for 9-10 months every year was hard enough. Sorry that happen to you.


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## shameless (Apr 21, 2014)

My eldest daughter didn’t have conventional attachment in a nuclear typical setting. Her dad was away in prison. And visitation was shared with his mother. Who disrupted typical attachments. She bathed with my new born baby for example, Gawd I was naive way back then. If some fruit loop failed mom tried to bathe with my newborn baby if I had one now I’d fucken lose my shit on them. I believe the shared custody with another maternal figure (who was a fucken crazy bitch), really knocked things off their course. I didn’t unfortunately learn about attachment theory until many years later when my daughter was much older. But because there was a disruptor of two maternal figures providing physical care and one competing agent, rather than two cohesive parents, in the environment I think it confused her subconscious and so I think it really shattered my maternal esteem in that time period.

My daughter was given love and affection. But she was highly highly independent and not attached like most children even at like age 2 she was incredibly social and not as attached to me. We didn’t attach more in secure attachment until she was older seeking her actual mother and not some hack weirdo possessed wannabe. My daughter is 18 now though, and discovered all on her own how insane her grandma was and how manipulative she was in her interactions. But this stuff really broke my heart back in the early days. And I found it hard to connect with her the same younger because it always felt like she was manipulated and tugged away from me. She’s an ENFJ I’m pretty sure is an SO/SX she needs verbal validation more than anything (which I’m not the best at naturally but really try with her because I always want her to know she is loved). I think she knows how much she is loved though. She has to if she can still so perky greet me and say ‘Hi mommy’ cheerfully anytime we are greeting each other. Even if later after the initial greeting our stubbornness and mis communication get in the way 🤣.

My youngest was born into and initially grew up in more conventional circumstances. I.e. me and just her other parent only raising her, in the picture no crazy competing agents trying to steal my babies affections. So I’d say she was more conventional in a typical child and positive attachment theory. I.e. we had nicknamed her Koala Bear, because she liked being stuck to both of us parents but especially me like always in between the ages of 1-3. I think my youngest is INFP, Sp/So (not sure though on variant). She gets annoyed and rolls her eyes when I call out any soft emotional spots she has 🤣. Annoyed in a fun loving way I mean.

I don’t really remember my mother ever picking me up and comforting me. She did say she loved us and would give us like a hug here or there. I remember when I was like 4 I went to crawl into the bed with my mom and my sis and I was scolded that my mom was giving my sister cuddles. And so I don’t think I ever tried to seek a hug out again after that. I always took that knowledge with me when raising my kids. Even as severed or disconnected as I felt with my eldest for some of the bizarre or weird circumstances I remember trying to be really cognizant of not ever try to push her away from wanting to be close with me and her sister. Just because of that young memory I have of being shooed away at 4. There’s photos of my mom with me as an infant being held tho. I noticed the difference between her holding me vs me holding my daughter tho is my mom was always trying to look good. Where as in photos of me holding my daughters young I was always squeezing in cuddling them. My dad was very detached from me.


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## ENTJudgement (Oct 6, 2013)

So I got a perfect split between 3, does that mean I'm well balanced?

Ages 1-3, intense relationship with my mom, followed her everywhere then detached from her later and now and the older I get the worse we get along.


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## IxFx (Jan 1, 2022)

[Redacted]


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## bearlybreathing (Aug 6, 2013)

My dad was an active alcoholic back then so I was very confused by him. When he was sober he was fun and loving but the majority of the time he was home he was on the couch passed out or yelling at my mom and me. I still don't know my feelings towards him. I don't remember being super attached to my mom either, but that has changed. I'm sp/sx


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## Lunacik (Apr 19, 2014)

You know those studies in which the monkey babies clung even harder to the abusive parent monkeys? Yeah, that was me. Sx/Sx/Sx/So/Sp here. My eyes are intense/piercing. Very sharp and "present."

EDIT:
Fierce might be a better descriptor than piercing, now that I think about it.

EDIT II:
Here are some similar examples. These shouldn't be confused with anger...I'm a serious person in general, so I have resting bitch face.


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## lilacleia16 (12 mo ago)

Wow I like the fierce look. What kind of look do I have? A soft look?



Lunacik said:


> You know those studies in which the monkey babies clung even harder to the abusive parent monkeys? Yeah, that was me. Sx/Sx/Sx/So/Sp here. My eyes are intense/piercing. Very sharp and "present."
> 
> EDIT:
> Fierce might be a better descriptor than piercing, now that I think about it.
> ...


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## Lunacik (Apr 19, 2014)

lilacleia16 said:


> Wow I like the fierce look. What kind of look do I have? A soft look?


Can you link me to or send a couple more example photos?

Most people have a somewhat soft and "dreamy" look compared to my own, in my opinion. I sometimes see that where others see "piercing." I think that being used to my own look gives me a bias in this sense, but I will offer my opinion.


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## Lunacik (Apr 19, 2014)

Sometimes, just from looking into someone's eyes, I accurately guess some of their personality traits. Things like, "he seems like he has a good sense of humor," or, "she vibes as someone sweet, soft, and caring, but gives too much of herself and gets walked on." I also have a pretty accurate gaydar, lol. However, I never assume, I just set the information aside as "possible" and only accept it if it turns out to be correct. As most people from abusive childhoods, I'm basically a sponge with people in this way. I am HSP, though, so maybe it's that as well. Regardless, it's the #1 thing I'm unconsciously attuned to as I scan the room. I take in every detail I can, but it's very automatic...it just sort of happens. Body language, micro expressions, moods, attitudes, reactions. I notice the slightest changes in peoples' behavioral patterns and can often deduce what's happening when I know them well enough. (Again, I value not making assumptions, so I make sure there is confirmation before accepting my deductions.) The unspoken attitudes/feelings that are missed in online communication. I may not notice the shirt someone is wearing, but I notice this. I over explained again...anyway, so, all of that is relevant to what I'm about to say, and my point is that I'm observing constantly, so I have a lot of experience to draw information from. I realize that's rather anecdotal, but anecdotal views are not worthless in every context. Take from it whatever insight you will.

I think that what you're seeing here is pretty insightful. It's something I've never thought about myself. At the same time, things are often traced back to personality in general. For example, you've associated the intense/piercing look with Sx. I'm not surmising this is without merit, but I want to point out how that intensity in the eyes often ties back to specific personality traits someone has. To use my own photos as an example, since I'm 100% sure of the accuracy in my statements about them...a lot of that "fierce" look may be traced back to a combination of being serious, bold, passionate, fiery, relentless, tenacious, persevering, noncomforming, rebellious, against the grain, and having seen a lot of experiences/gained a lot of wisdom from them. Being somewhat of an old soul. I am basically 99% Sx, also, though...but because I know myself, I can say my intense eyes don't correlate to attachment/IV only.


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## deafcrossfitter (Nov 30, 2019)

What kind of dog is this


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## lilacleia16 (12 mo ago)

Lunacik said:


> Can you link me to or send a couple more example photos?
> 
> Most people have a somewhat soft and "dreamy" look compared to my own, in my opinion. I sometimes see that where others see "piercing." I think that being used to my own look gives me a bias in this sense, but I will offer my opinion.





Lunacik said:


> Can you link me to or send a couple more example photos?
> 
> Most people have a somewhat soft and "dreamy" look compared to my own, in my opinion. I sometimes see that where others see "piercing." I think that being used to my own look gives me a bias in this sense, but I will offer my opinion.


I think I look fierce some days and soft other days depending on my mood.


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## Lunacik (Apr 19, 2014)

lilacleia16 said:


> I think I look fierce some days and soft other days depending on my mood.


Yeah, that of course factors in, but I guess what I look at is whether it is a naturally achieved look at all (or, well, without it being some rare moment as well, I suppose). I'd say you do have the fierce/piercing eye look, particularly in the first pic. You're very pretty, btw. It doesn't bother you that if your clients stumble upon this site, they may identify you from your photos and have access to your personal life side of you, though?


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## lilacleia16 (12 mo ago)

Lunacik said:


> Yeah, that of course factors in, but I guess what I look at is whether it is a naturally achieved look at all (or, well, without it being some rare moment as well, I suppose). I'd say you do have the fierce/piercing eye look, particularly in the first pic. You're very pretty, btw. It doesn't bother you that if your clients stumble upon this site, they may identify you from your photos and have access to your personal life side of you, though?


I guess I don’t really mind what people know about me. I appreciate being on Personality Cafe where I actually have an outlet to test out theories and get answers to my burning psychology related questions and being able to connect with likeminded people is a bonus.

So I’m fierce. What does that mean? Like why am I fierce? Thank you for saying I’m pretty. 🥰


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