# passive agressive vs assertive



## Zeus (Oct 8, 2011)

ive been doing research on defense mechanisms and humanity, being predominantly the assertive dominant type ive always disliked passive aggressive people, but research indicates that most people dislike passive aggressive people.


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## Highway Nights (Nov 26, 2014)

Passive aggression should be responded to with direct aggression. Force them to air everything out right there.

I have no respect for passive aggression whatsoever.


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## He's a Superhero! (May 1, 2013)

Passive aggressive behaviour is a sign of immaturity.


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## Zeus (Oct 8, 2011)

He's a Superhero! said:


> Passive aggressive behaviour is a sign of immaturity.


I personally think its linked to insecurity, people who have confidence to dealing with social conflicts often respond proper where as those who are more timid and weak tend to respond with passive aggression.


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## He's a Superhero! (May 1, 2013)

Zeus said:


> I personally think its linked to insecurity, people who have confidence to dealing with social conflicts often respond proper where as those who are more timid and weak tend to respond with passive aggression.


I've known plenty of timid people who are not passive aggressive people, though insecurities may be a contributing factor.


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## Dare (Nov 8, 2016)

Being on the receiving end of passive aggressive bs is like receiving a cut while being gaslighted. Of course people hate it. 

I see passive behavior generally as weak. Passive aggressive behavior is next level for communicating displeasure without taking ownership -- they tax you by indirectly airing their negativity without paying the price of risking direct conflict, being open/honest and taking full responsibilty (in conflict, the truth comes out. In passive aggressive hiding you can hold onto an irrational pov).

Being unfair (taking more than they give) is the name of their game. In certain types ego protection and reinforcing their distorted pov ('_you did it to me_' -- maintaining their preferred external locus of control) seems to be a factor. They avoid the possibility of resolution -- they seem to know on some level they don't have a legimate position/greivance (even as they act as if they do). 

In some it seems to go even further, to weaponizing -- taking a free hit is the aim. Some are manipulative 'punishers' who express their passive aggression in even more indirect ways. These are not simply timid people who avoid the unbearable anxiety conflict brings them -- those people are at risk for being just plain passive (don't say anything).

I only respect people who value truth, play fair and have the spine (and mental health) to face things head on and be open.


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## JpKoff (Oct 30, 2017)

I'm guilty of behaving passive-agressively from time to time. 
Usually because : 
- I didn't have the courage or the energy to speak up when I should have... I let the resentment build up.
- I had implicit expectations for something and they weren't met.

So in both cases it's a problem of lack of communication, lack of assertion. I'm working on it but as of yet, I'm able to let go of the passive-agressive behavior but I'm still not able to assert myself to avoid the passive-agressive mindstate... Habits run deep.


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## Zeus (Oct 8, 2011)

Dare said:


> Being on the receiving end of passive aggressive bs is like receiving a cut while being gaslighted. Of course people hate it.
> 
> I see passive behavior generally as weak. Passive aggressive behavior is next level for communicating displeasure without taking ownership -- they tax you by indirectly airing their negativity without paying the price of risking direct conflict, being open/honest and taking full responsibilty (in conflict, the truth comes out. In passive aggressive hiding you can hold onto an irrational pov).
> 
> ...


because ive done well with women, lots of guys who I deem as being a pussy will try this with me. I call them out on it and they whine like a little bitch. This one guy tried talking shit because he was beta male ****** who would talk down to me because he sucked in regards to women, I told him talk to me like that again ill slam your head on the curve outside or shut the fuck up. ******* like that I don't mind punching around, they truly are the definition of weak. all talk and no play, thats the true sign of an actual man bitch.


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## Zeus (Oct 8, 2011)

He's a Superhero! said:


> I've known plenty of timid people who are not passive aggressive people, though insecurities may be a contributing factor.


how many INFJs or ISTJs do you know? lol


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## He's a Superhero! (May 1, 2013)

Zeus said:


> how many INFJs or ISTJs do you know? lol


I no longer want to get involved in typology.


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## Zeus (Oct 8, 2011)

He's a Superhero! said:


> I no longer want to get involved in typology.


ok, just saying ive noticed that amongst them.


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## ukulele (Jan 3, 2017)

How could you respect a passive aggressive behavior when conflict arises? 
It leads to nothing but escalates a conflict... and makes it impossible to solve. It's a sign of utter stupidity and cowardliness, imho.


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## AriesLilith (Jan 6, 2013)

For definition, aggressive means being direct and forceful while assertive is making your point but not forceful. Aggressive and passive-aggressive are bad and assertive is obviously good so the choice here is obvious.

Either types of aggression are bad. I’m more guilty of the direct one thought, when I really lose it. I prefer to always voice things and if I don’t voice or can’t, simply put things aside. Usually happens with non important relationships anyways so there is no emotional value which doesn’t matter on the long run.

Being on the receiving end of passive-aggressive sometimes, in an important relationship sucks. Agreeing with you or dismissing your point, but then holding anger or resentment is scary. You feel that you solved a conflict but they just solved it for the sake of avoiding conflicts, assuming that you wouldn’t be able to handle the truth or whatever. It takes away your opportunity to settle things or to even learn because we can be wrong. Some time later the same conflict might surface again and you learn the ugly truth. Or with more passive-aggressive, just gets more confusing.
The other person ends up a victim or martyr, you end up the villain that can’t accept conflicts. Or that overdramatizes.Because you sense something is wrong but they deny it.

My directness is probably also driven by insecurity because I can’t handle unsolved stuffs easily. I feel like fixing things instead of understanding that some issues are ok as we are never fully in agreement. Probably this can also be a stressor for the other side which leads to avoidance by passive-agressive.


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## AriesLilith (Jan 6, 2013)

ukulele said:


> How could you respect a passive aggressive behavior when conflict arises?
> It leads to nothing but escalates a conflict... and makes it impossible to solve. It's a sign of utter stupidity and cowardliness, imho.


Assertion and boundaries. That we state we don’t accept certain behaviors or being treated in a way. That we accept directness and promise to solve it together as calm as possible, that we understand it can be hard and we empathze, but otherwise we can’t do anything nor accept passive-aggressive behavior.


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## andreasdevig (Apr 12, 2017)

Rebelgoatalliance said:


> Passive aggression should be responded to with direct aggression. Force them to air everything out right there.


That sounds like a terrible idea. Really immature and cruel. What is needed, in my opinion, from all parties, is to be calm, civilized, mature, open, and honest.


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## Electra (Oct 24, 2014)

I would like an option between the two extremes.

A person with too passive agressive behavior can be unable to stick up for them self and their only choise left to defend them self is by using passive agressiveness if pushed to the limit, or they may be in or have been a victim of abuse or unfair treatment. They need assertiveness training without under or overdoing it.

A person who shows too assertive behaviour can intimidate others and to fight your cause you have to use a lot of repetition of your boundaries and it can be exhausitng and painfull, and my guess it a lot of people shy away from this kind of treatment from others.


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## Highway Nights (Nov 26, 2014)

andreasdevig said:


> That sounds like a terrible idea. Really immature and cruel. What is needed, in my opinion, from all parties, is to be calm, civilized, mature, open, and honest.


Maybe, but it gets the job done. Rarely have any trouble after that.

If I have to break a few eggs, so be it.


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## Wisteria (Apr 2, 2015)

Assertive can just be aggressive in many cases, and that isn't good either. They're both a sign of weakness and insecurity.


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## Isa (Sep 13, 2018)

Electrona said:


> I would like an option between the two extremes.
> 
> A person with too passive agressive behavior can be unable to stick up for them self and their only choise left to defend them self is by using passive agressiveness if pushed to the limit, or they may be in or have been a victim of abuse or unfair treatment. They need assertiveness training without under or overdoing it.
> 
> A person who shows too assertive behaviour can intimidate others and to fight your cause you have to use a lot of repetition of your boundaries and it can be exhausitng and painfull, and my guess it a lot of people shy away from this kind of treatment from others.


Excellent point. I've been annoyed by both behaviors before. Ideally people could calmly discuss things without being loud, overemotional or passive aggressive.


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## andreasdevig (Apr 12, 2017)

Rebelgoatalliance said:


> Maybe, but it gets the job done. Rarely have any trouble after that.


I definitely think I would have trouble with that.
And it's a principle thing. It's not fair to [hit someone] because they [said something offensive]... or to [scream in someone's face] because they [calmly called you a whore]. It's not 'tit-for-tat'.


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