# Rant to get it off my chest



## Sunnyday822 (10 mo ago)

My mom dated a guy who has domestic violence on his record + he’s a chronic liar and narcissistic. It’s troubling. She reached back out to him after cutting it off and then she opened that door again and so they talk on and off. She said it’s never going to get back to romance because she knows too much now and she doesn’t trust him. But this whole thing makes me angry. I know she’s better and worth more than this. Plus this is the second narc she’s dated. First one was a closet one for first 7-8 years! My own dad is dead and he is the best match in her life thus far! I finally have a healthy relationship in my life after having my own abusive one, which I I have cut complete contact with, and I don’t know how I landed it but I am even more sure I need to hold onto my guy I have now. I don’t want to perpetuate a cycle. This whole thing with my mom etc and her ex guy just brings about a lot of feelings of anger for me for some strange reason for me because I know she knows or maybe doesn’t quite understand how bad this person is. I feel like she has a soft spot for him and I’ve not really ever liked him. I get a bad feeling about him!
Anyways, I know this is a rant to strangers on the internet but I needed to tell someone about this and there is literally not ONE person in my life I can discuss this kind of thing with. I don’t want to badmouth my mom but it’s really just so disturbing and sad and maddening for me. I want her to do better and I know she can and I know she’d tell me to do the same. I did guilt her and threaten I’d be so angry if she ended up with him again somehow, but I don’t know how to express my displeasure with this situation. She’s a strong woman of Christian faith too so I just am baffled.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

Sunnyday822 said:


> My mom dated a guy who has domestic violence on his record + he’s a chronic liar and narcissistic. It’s troubling. She reached back out to him after cutting it off and then she opened that door again and so they talk on and off. She said it’s never going to get back to romance because she knows too much now and she doesn’t trust him. But this whole thing makes me angry. I know she’s better and worth more than this. Plus this is the second narc she’s dated. First one was a closet one for first 7-8 years! My own dad is dead and he is the best match in her life thus far! I finally have a healthy relationship in my life after having my own abusive one, which I I have cut complete contact with, and I don’t know how I landed it but I am even more sure I need to hold onto my guy I have now. I don’t want to perpetuate a cycle. This whole thing with my mom etc and her ex guy just brings about a lot of feelings of anger for me for some strange reason for me because I know she knows or maybe doesn’t quite understand how bad this person is. I feel like she has a soft spot for him and I’ve not really ever liked him. I get a bad feeling about him!
> Anyways, I know this is a rant to strangers on the internet but I needed to tell someone about this and there is literally not ONE person in my life I can discuss this kind of thing with. I don’t want to badmouth my mom but it’s really just so disturbing and sad and maddening for me. I want her to do better and I know she can and I know she’d tell me to do the same. I did guilt her and threaten I’d be so angry if she ended up with him again somehow, but I don’t know how to express my displeasure with this situation. She’s a strong woman of Christian faith too so I just am baffled.


I think sometimes people who have been in abusive relationships lose all perspective and start to equate the abuse with being loved. Just like how taking a drug becomes so "normal" for the addict, that not taking it physically hurts them. Their body and mind becomes so used to being on the drug that taking it away causes painful withdrawal symptoms. Co-dependent relationships are no different. This is why it is so hard for victims of abuse to get away from their abusers. They rationalize the abuse and believe they must have done something themselves to deserve it. Narcissists are master manipulators who turn everything you say and do back on you and make everything they do wrong your fault. They do this because they are themselves fundamentally broken inside and the only way they learned how to survive was to create an elaborate fantasy about themselves where they are always right, always perfect, always competent, and always loved, and they vehemently deny any examples that might indicate they are not in every way perfect (which is, of course, ludicrous). They always point the finger at others. They are never at fault for anything. Everything they do is great, and if something went wrong, it must be _your_ fault. _You_ weren't good enough. _You_ let them down. They want nothing from you but adulation, attention, and praise. If you DARE criticize them in any way, they will become angry and accusatory. They constantly use other people to puff themselves up rather than admit they are the ones with the problem. Secretly, way down deep where they fear to look, they know they are empty shells who can only prop up their delusions about themselves by forcing other people to play along with their charade. They are psychological vampires, but instead of blood, they suck the self-esteem out of others because they have none of their own. 

Your Mom may believe she needs to forgive him in Christ, but all a narcissist needs is a little ***** in the armor to let himself back in. If it were me, I would tell her you love her, it makes you feel uncomfortable, you wish she would stay away from people like that, but in the end, she is an adult and can make her own choices. I would also be prepared to go no contact if she does get drawn back into a relationship like that, or she could potentially drag you down with her.


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## ENFPathetic (Apr 3, 2018)

Sunnyday822 said:


> My mom dated a guy who has domestic violence on his record + he’s a chronic liar and narcissistic. It’s troubling. She reached back out to him after cutting it off and then she opened that door again and so they talk on and off. She said it’s never going to get back to romance because she knows too much now and she doesn’t trust him. But this whole thing makes me angry. I know she’s better and worth more than this. Plus this is the second narc she’s dated. First one was a closet one for first 7-8 years! My own dad is dead and he is the best match in her life thus far! I finally have a healthy relationship in my life after having my own abusive one, which I I have cut complete contact with, and I don’t know how I landed it but I am even more sure I need to hold onto my guy I have now. I don’t want to perpetuate a cycle. This whole thing with my mom etc and her ex guy just brings about a lot of feelings of anger for me for some strange reason for me because I know she knows or maybe doesn’t quite understand how bad this person is. I feel like she has a soft spot for him and I’ve not really ever liked him. I get a bad feeling about him!
> Anyways, I know this is a rant to strangers on the internet but I needed to tell someone about this and there is literally not ONE person in my life I can discuss this kind of thing with. I don’t want to badmouth my mom but it’s really just so disturbing and sad and maddening for me. I want her to do better and I know she can and I know she’d tell me to do the same. I did guilt her and threaten I’d be so angry if she ended up with him again somehow, but I don’t know how to express my displeasure with this situation. She’s a strong woman of Christian faith too so I just am baffled.


I'm really sorry for your situation. I hope your mother sees the light.

I'm not a Christian. I'm a Muslim. But there are lot of shared beliefs. In Islam it is stated that a believer is not stung from the same hole twice, and it's thus encouraged to learn from one's mistakes. There is also a great deal of emphasis on being wise about the company one keeps and the positive effects of keeping good people in our company as well the dangers of keeping bad people in our company. Perhaps there are lessons within Christianity that would appeal to your mother? If so, that may prove effective in convincing her to distance herself from this man.

I wish you the best of luck and I'll keep you in my prayers.


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## MsMojiMoe (Apr 7, 2021)

My heart goes out to you.

i always say anger is a great motivator as long as you don’t let it consume you ….however sometimes there isn’t much you can do.

Like seriously over weight or like drug users in families..a lot of times families feel so helpless and it’s so frustrating to just sit back and watch and let it happen. Some of the worse things to put families thru.

problem is that we truly can only make choices for ourselves…can fight for others but in the end you cannot make someone do anything….sometimes it is the hardest thing in the world especially When it’s truly from best intentions.

i have no answers for you …I wish I did. It sounds like she Is one of those ppl who can’t be alone for long. Plus th3 economy can push ppl into relationships trying to make ends meets.
i would tell my mom my FEARS holding nothing at all back, guilting her if that is the way it goes…telling her “I” already lost one parent, I cant bear another one, I need you…etc…

the only suggestion I can give is that if she is going to be with him, beg her and him to get counseling, together. Make a good argument for it…and if she says he won’t, then use that against him staying…why won’t he, doesn’t he want to take responsibility for his past, do you want to be with someone who STILL doesn’t take responsibility and for this new family ( you all) , does he even care how WE feel, don’t you want someone to care about you and your child….etc….

also try to find out the real reasons why your mom is talking to him again…don’t settle for generic answers. That might help to figure out how to steer your mom in a better directions.

you are really in a tough spot…just keep telling her, you, love her and one day you’d hope she be able to really see that.


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## JourneyOfMystery (11 mo ago)

Sunnyday822 said:


> This whole thing with my mom etc and her ex guy just brings about a lot of feelings of anger for me for some strange reason


That anger is a form of realising life being unfair to you. I was abused by people in the past. So, I know what causes that anger to exist. People like you could have a choice to make. You either remove contact with your mother to get away from toxic narcissism and abuse. Or you stay in that vicious cycle of abuse. Just please think about it. You start bringing an innocent child of your own with someone theoretically into this world. A hypothetically innocent child that becomes exposed to your mother's narcissistically abusive friend. Would you want your hypothetical child becoming corrupted by that kind of environment? Personally, I would not. Your mother either stays away from that toxicity or she does not. She is an adult. But if she keeps staying with that narcissistic abuser, then her true colours will show eventually.

I find this pattern of Christian women getting into abusive relationships. It does not surprise me whatsoever. These scriptures from the Christian Bible can groom women into being abusive relationships with psychopathic men:






Scriptures that Subordinate Women | FutureChurch







www.futurechurch.org





Then, there are religious institutions grooming people into relationships based on sexual abuse:









Researchers reveal patterns of sexual abuse in religious settings







www.ualberta.ca





Just going to point out the United States is founded on slavery, warmongering genocide, and religious grifting by using fake charity to take money from working class citizens while priests, pastors, rabbis, and ultra-wealthy oligarchs live in luxury. If you are from the United States, it is not a country where most people are raised to be honest, compassionate, merciful, healthy, and critical thinkers. Ultra-wealthy oligarchs who rule the United States don't want that. That's why toxic narcissists continue to exist in the United States. From an economic standpoint, working class Americans are too poor to afford healthy relationships these days because of increasing wealth inequality due to ruthlessly ultra-wealthy oligarchs. That is probably why your mother ends up having these toxic situations. Because if she lives in the United States, then her chance of having a healthy relationship with someone decent is very little to none. Because the increasing wealth inequality in America is creating poverty, crime, mental health issues, toxic narcissism, and other vile things. If you live in America, then please help your American community to get out of its current state of toxic chaos. Because what your mother is going through tends to be unavoidable when countries like America collapses from within.


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## Negotiator (Mar 15, 2018)

Hard to give advice, my mom goes through the same issues. One thing we're working on is to encourage her to say "no" when she doesn't want to do something for a guy. I'll tell her I'm proud of her for setting boundaries. But other than that I have to accept she's choosing to be with a narc. So it's not easy, but you can try and gently guide her. Of course, my mom's narc is not too horrible, if he was there would probably be a stronger reaction from my side.


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## Celtsincloset (Feb 17, 2014)

Have you ever told your mother how you really felt about this whole situation? It might get her to tell you why she has chosen to be in it, otherwise, just ask her, 'what is it that you see in this narcissist, that makes you want to keep talking to him?' Maybe she thinks that there is objective good in him, and if that's the case, you could challenge her on that logically. Is he really that 'good'? How does he act towards you, others? Tell her that it's disturbing, sad and maddening for you. Allow yourself to express this deeper part of the problem, your PoV, and with understanding through dialogue of both of your PoVs, it might give you peace and/or things will change for the better.

About your situation, I think what you've stumbled upon is a normal relationship. Your first one was utter crap, and I think the messy part about this cycle of _dating sh*t men because of sh*t men in your past_, revolves around your (and everyone's) own criteria for dating. Wouldn't you agree that there is more to a relationship than attraction? Remember the checklist: good human, honest, loyal, long-term prospect. Problem perpetually solved, perhaps.


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