# Isolating yourself from a toxic family member



## Slagasauras (Jun 26, 2013)

I'm not quite sure how I can properly communicate all of my feelings for multiple reasons, perhaps because I've never been good at it, nor am I quite comfortable discussing these sort of things with anyone.

So, on Sunday, an Aunt of mine had taken me out on Sunday, and we had fun, we laughed, we had good fun. But on the drive back, I had blocked out most of what she was saying purely because of how homophobic she was being...she was getting so irritated with me because I didn't want to discuss religion with her, and she was saying things like "God doesn't like gay." or "Gay is not -okay-!" and I literally was shaking. I'm so shocked she didn't take my "I'm not comfortable discussing these things with you, please respect that.", yet she kept drilling away at me, saying: "I don't know why you think that talking about God is such a bad thing."

After she had dropped me off, and the past couple of days, something inside of me was so burnt and tortured. I was so, so, angry and felt so sad....my brother detected it, and he had told my Grandmother, who had known immediately that I am gay (perhaps Ni dom, hm), and she had barred my aunt from coming back until she apologized, and means it. She's always been both in and out of our lives, stealing money and leaving us hurt.

All in all, I feel so bad that this was the outcome. I can't help but feel so sorry for her, and yet so relieved. But this growing part of me feels so bad because each time I look at the gifts she bought me, at times she was barred from visiting, she still bought us presents for my brother and I's birthday.
I feel so bad, so hurt.


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## Maidelane (Sep 21, 2014)

Hope you feel better soon. 

In my journey, I had to isolate myself from family members SEVERAL times, almost for the same reasons as you: different points of view, their old fashioned view of the world, and their continuous offenses towards me. In my experience, stop talking to them has been a relief, since I can keep my good feelings for them without fighting against the reality of their awkward behavior. 

Maybe you won't have to take this radical position, but believe me, if you do, you won't regret it. And perhaps, with time, your aunt would change her point of view.


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## Alysaria (Jul 7, 2009)

It's understandable that you'd be torn about this. No matter what her personal feelings are and how much they hurt you, she is still family.

However, she's a grown woman and is responsible for her own choices in life and the consequences they bring. Your grandmother is also a grown woman and has made her decision to enforce one of those consequences. Just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to like them, and just because you're family doesn't mean they have to be a part of your life.


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## Slagasauras (Jun 26, 2013)

Maidelane said:


> Hope you feel better soon.
> 
> In my journey, I had to isolate myself from family members SEVERAL times, almost for the same reasons as you: different points of view, their old fashioned view of the world, and their continuous offenses towards me. In my experience, stop talking to them has been a relief, since I can keep my good feelings for them without fighting against the reality of their awkward behavior.
> 
> Maybe you won't have to take this radical position, but believe me, if you do, you won't regret it. And perhaps, with time, your aunt would change her point of view.


Well, I hope so, and my grandmother had made that decision as well.


Alysaria said:


> It's understandable that you'd be torn about this. No matter what her personal feelings are and how much they hurt you, she is still family.
> 
> However, she's a grown woman and is responsible for her own choices in life and the consequences they bring. Your grandmother is also a grown woman and has made her decision to enforce one of those consequences. Just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to like them, and just because you're family doesn't mean they have to be a part of your life.


I agree, I hope things turn out right....


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## dragthewaters (Feb 9, 2013)

In real life, people aren't all good or all bad. The person who fucks you over can also be the person who you have shared some of your fondest memories with. The person who abandons you can also be the person who was there for you at one time. The person who spread lies about you could also be the person who you shared honest moments with. And so on.

That's what makes it so complicated to cut off contact with people. It's normal to feel guilt over doing so, particularly when it's someone you're close with. I know how you feel because I cut off contact with my dad a year and a half ago and I still feel guilty thinking about all the things he did for me when I was little. However I know that if I continued to have a relationship with him, it would be manipulative and predatory on his part, both due to his past behavior and because of how his relationship is with my brother.

I do think you made the right decision and I am happy that your grandmother stood up for you. Cutting off contact with your aunt doesn't mean you're not allowed to care about her. Just think about it as "caring about her from afar." Think of it as a step that you have to take for your health. It comes down to that it's not healthy for you to be around her. It's not healthy for you to have to lie about who you are or what you believe in to get her to approve of you.

Also if she has found out by now that you are gay, it's possible she will update her views. The main reason why homosexuality became "accepted" in society is because people began coming out and people realized that their friends, family members, coworkers, and favorite celebrities were gay. Then the concept of gay people stopped being an "other" and became "the people who I love and have known my whole life." It does sound like your aunt has other mental health issues, so I don't know if she would change her opinions, but it's a possibility.

Good luck


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## Blazkovitz (Mar 16, 2014)

I had a similar problem with my dad. Now he is dead and I think I hated him along with his sins. We are expected to hate the sin but love the sinner. (This is a Catholic commandment, but a good one :laughing As an unhealthy enneatype 6w5, his opinions and behaviors were often difficult to tolerate. He never realized what was wrong with him, but my attitude changed somehow when I started to look at his fate as tragic.

Yo can isolate yourself from your aunt, but don't hurt her. You will regret that when she is gone.


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## Slagasauras (Jun 26, 2013)

thismustbetheplace said:


> In real life, people aren't all good or all bad. The person who fucks you over can also be the person who you have shared some of your fondest memories with. The person who abandons you can also be the person who was there for you at one time. The person who spread lies about you could also be the person who you shared honest moments with. And so on.
> 
> That's what makes it so complicated to cut off contact with people. It's normal to feel guilt over doing so, particularly when it's someone you're close with. I know how you feel because I cut off contact with my dad a year and a half ago and I still feel guilty thinking about all the things he did for me when I was little. However I know that if I continued to have a relationship with him, it would be manipulative and predatory on his part, both due to his past behavior and because of how his relationship is with my brother.
> 
> ...


Thanks, I agree actually. 



Blazkovitz said:


> I had a similar problem with my dad. Now he is dead and I think I hated him along with his sins. We are expected to hate the sin but love the sinner. (This is a Catholic commandment, but a good one :laughing As an unhealthy enneatype 6w5, his opinions and behaviors were often difficult to tolerate. He never realized what was wrong with him, but my attitude changed somehow when I started to look at his fate as tragic.
> 
> Yo can isolate yourself from your aunt, but don't hurt her. You will regret that when she is gone.


Well, it's the fact that she was completely rude, and regardless of her enneagram type, she's an adult and can figure out what she said was wrong, hopefully.


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## Blazkovitz (Mar 16, 2014)

Yoohoo Larry said:


> Well, it's the fact that she was completely rude, and regardless of her enneagram type, she's an adult and can figure out what she said was wrong, hopefully.


You should try to understand her. If she was talking to you about God, from her perspective she wanted to prevent you from going to Hell. As for her enneagram type, you did not specify it, but any _unhealthy_ type is annoying. Aggressive responses will probably not change her.


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## Slagasauras (Jun 26, 2013)

Blazkovitz said:


> You should try to understand her. If she was talking to you about God, from her perspective she wanted to prevent you from going to Hell. As for her enneagram type, you did not specify it, but any _unhealthy_ type is annoying. Aggressive responses will probably not change her.


I don't know at this point if I'd even let her back in. My therapist says I should probably just detach from her, because she's /always/ been very unhealthy and hurtful. She steals, insults, and guilts her way into everything.


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## Slagasauras (Jun 26, 2013)

Ugh I am just spamming personality cafe at the moment today haha.
Okay, so, my Aunt had sent me a long text which I didn't bother to read but I will tomorrow. I'm not sure how I should phrase it. I was thinking as a baseline before I read it: "I'm skeptical of your apology, but if you're willing to show me the love that I deserve than I am willing to let you come and see me, but if you ever say something as hurtful as that, than I will make good on my part to think of my own health. I cannot control my own sexuality as much as I can control your own opinions."


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## ravenlove (Jul 4, 2011)

Dont EVER EVER EVER feel bad about setting up boundaries to a destructive person, family or not. You are an infp and likely a very deep hearted person, so these encounters can be very heavy. This was a way to show another that they crossed the line. It is in some ways a demonstration of your own self respect and dignity, dont forget that. Like everything else in life, these events will lose steam and settle some. Thats the blessing of time!!! Personally, when I have had to limit these type of relationships, I just assure I have "a way out" if they get on their rant, like assure it isnt a long car ride, if it is a family get together that you have another room to go to. I am not necessarily saying you should retreat from these experiences, in all cases...but its hard to talk down and rationalize with the craziness some people bring. Be gentle on yourself.


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## Blazkovitz (Mar 16, 2014)

Yoohoo Larry said:


> My therapist says I should probably just detach from her, because she's /always/ been very unhealthy and hurtful. She steals, insults, and guilts her way into everything.


In this case, follow your therapist's advice who knows you hundred times better than any PerC member ever will.



> I cannot control my own sexuality as much as I can control your own opinions.


This is the point of difference. Christians believe in controlling your sexuality, in being pure for God. If you had debates with Christians in the future, it would be better to say "I choose this kind of sexual activity because it gives me pleasure".


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## 54-46 ThatsMyNumber (Mar 26, 2011)

Next time she talks to you like that look her right in the eye and say "c u next tuesday"


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## Slagasauras (Jun 26, 2013)

54-46 ThatsMyNumber said:


> Next time she talks to you like that look her right in the eye and say "c u next tuesday"


I'm afraid I do not understand the joke?


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