# Do you hold grudges?



## Aquiline (Oct 19, 2016)

No. I sort it out. If I can't, I leave.


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## Handsome Dyke (Oct 4, 2012)

I do have problems with resentment but I would not use the term "grudge." I'm resentful because the things that bother me tend to not get resolved.


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## casepag (Feb 28, 2017)

Grudges: No 
Resentment: Yes 
I loathe carrying around grudges, but I do resent some individuals.


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## Crowbo (Jul 9, 2017)

Nope, I can't stay angry long enouth.


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## Tsubaki (Apr 14, 2015)

I generally don't hold grudges as it's just too much effort for nothing and hurts me more than anyone else. 

However, I have experienced situations where a person just destroyed all of my trust and possible care for them. I still try to act neutral or even positively towards to person, however, I will never be able to build genuine positive feelings for them again because of what they did to me. That doesn't have anything to do with grudges anymore, though, and it's almost at the point of a physical reaction of disgust and fear.


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## txstats (Mar 20, 2016)

not sure if i hold grudges or not, but you gotta know when it's time to move on and cut it off completely. i don't usually think about what happened in the past unless it was over a significant period of time. still can't get over some bad, family related memories and i sometimes still resent my parents and sister for what they did. don't know if i ever will or should or can or even want to. for my peace of mind, yes, maybe i should. but having been burned more times than i can remember, i need to learn my lesson already.


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## ablueshirtisalwaysfine (Apr 22, 2017)

I can get behind these attitudes.


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## 2bBalanced (May 3, 2017)

napkineater said:


> Only thing I do is make sure that they know they've stepped on my toes so if they care enough they won't do it again.


Exactly.


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## Windrammer (Jan 13, 2017)

Only when my pride is threatened, but it evaporates the instant they're nice to me


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## ponpiri (Apr 30, 2017)

If someone does something unforgivable, I cut them off. They would consider that a grudge; I consider it cause and effect.

One thing I'm definitely not is vengeful. I don't understand spiteful people that elect to waste energy on revenge.


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## pilgrim_12 (Aug 18, 2012)

Depends. I usually just cut those who have harmed me seriously out of my life forever. Sometimes, I'll try again with them, but that isn't often. 

I don't actively look for revenge, though I might take action if something falls into my lap that is just and lawful. Unless they have asked forgiveness, taken responsibility for their actions, and made amends. 

For small things, I forget them pretty quickly, or I will simply be less open around them and more careful with vulnerability.


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## Crowbo (Jul 9, 2017)

Nope


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## Marshy (Apr 10, 2016)

I pummel them to a pulp until I feel kind enough to forgive them. Nobody fuccs wit me...NOBODY!!!


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## Crowbo (Jul 9, 2017)

Do I hold grudges or do grudges hold me?


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## Elistra (Apr 6, 2013)

_Henceforth in mine eyes, thy Name shalt be Dogshit, now and forevermore!

_All joking aside, I can hold onto a grudge indefinitely. It takes a LOT to get me to that point, though.


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## Elspeth (Jan 24, 2013)

All depends how you define it I suppose.
I have been hurt very badly by a person, who has "borne false witness" against someone I care about very deeply. I now have nothing to do with that person, and have no desire to ever see her again. If that is holding a grudge, then I do.
I feel justified, in that what she did has cost the person I care about his livelihood and you might argue his health; it has certainly changed his life very much for the worse. It has also changed mine directly, separating me permanently from some very important members of my own family.
What she did was tell lies, and persuade someone else to tell lies, about this person, consistently and to the authorities.
As a Christian, I am constantly told to forgive. I find this very hard. I feel that the hurt here is as big as, say, someone cutting your arm off. Once the arm is cut off, I cannot replace it; all I can do is learn to live without it. In a way, that's what this person has done. And so when I see her, the arm is still missing. With the best will in the world I cannot pretend that the arm is still there. I can't shake hands with her with the missing hand. The hurt she has done me is still very real and always will be. It feels as if "Bearing false witness" in this way is one of the biggest sins possible. 

To me, this is a very big issue; I don't know how to handle it in any other way. Of course it continues to hurt, just as the missing arm would continue to hurt. In real life, as distinct from fiction, there are no easy answers. While the hurt is still there there is no way I can forgive.


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## Crowbo (Jul 9, 2017)

0=no grudge


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## leviosa (Sep 28, 2017)

I don't, but if it's not a one time thing and I see a bad/toxic behavioral pattern I take action. Depending on the issue itself and on what the circumstances are, I might keep in touch but aware or I cut that person off from my life completely and for good.


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## Crowbo (Jul 9, 2017)

nada


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## Phyrrha (Jul 30, 2017)

I don't hold grudges, but I've cut a number of people out of my life when they've crossed the line on something I consider to be a fundamental principle. It isn't a grudge because I don't usually hold any ill will towards the person, rather I realise that they aren't who I thought they were, or that they are a risk of more harm than good - I take my principles seriously. So I cut ties, and from afar wish them well with their life, while myself feeling relieved to be free of it. I rarely regret it when I do cut ties with someone. I've usually thought about it carefully and for a while, letting a couple of things go before being unable to ignore the mounting evidence. The only time I feel some ill will is when I'm in the last stages of making the decision to cut ties; usually by this point the person has done a number of things that I cannot overlook and my irritation comes from a lack of closure. When I cut ties I have closure. On a few occasions the relationship has been reinstated. Well, once, for my best friend. It took 2 years, and for her to acknowledge the issue and to apologise for the wrong, before I would trust that it wouldn't be a problem again in the future. Recently, after cutting a colleague out, I emailed a warm and friendly email so that things were left on a good note. He had been very kind to me in the past, out of loyalty I felt that I should overlook some of the behaviour. 

So, in short, no I don't hold a grudge, but I don't suffer fools gladly, if you find yourself in that category, with no ill will, there's little hope of a reconciliation.


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## Crowbo (Jul 9, 2017)

.


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## sippingcappucino (Sep 23, 2017)

ablueshirtisalwaysfine said:


> I don't hold grudges. If I'm angry at someone, or someone has hurt me, after I've calmed down, everything is basically back to normal. If the problem has been fixed, that's it. It's like, boom, anger is turned off.


Exactly me too. I will remember the event, but never really act on it or feel a certain way about it anymore.


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## Gaiten (Feb 18, 2017)

If the person doesn't apologize, then yes. However, if they apologize, I'll try to forgive them, but I won't forget nor will I ever trust them again, unless it was something minor.


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## atamagasuita (May 15, 2016)

Not really. Don't have time for shit


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## atamagasuita (May 15, 2016)

Jk
. I can easily forget lol. XD 

That's why i don't hold grudges. Unless I'll be reminded of it and get pissed of again but after one or two hours, i already forgotten about it..


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## Daiz (Jan 4, 2017)

Gaiten said:


> If the person doesn't apologize, then yes. However, if they apologize, I'll try to forgive them, but I won't forget nor will I ever trust them again, unless it was something minor.


Yeah. Apologies make a world of difference. Or at the very least, some attempt at restoring harmony. If the wrongdoer just continues on blithely without even acknowledging they're doing anything, we got a problem. And I know this is bad, but if it happens enough, I won't even care whether they're aware of what they're doing or not. Lack of awareness doesn't fix what's going on; it just signifies a deeper incompatibility between us that is only now being brought to my attention.


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## Notus Asphodelus (Jan 20, 2015)

Give me 2 decades. I'll get back to you with the answer.


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## female_entj_8w7 (Oct 26, 2017)

If somebody did me wrong and truly regrets it, I will forgive them. But some things are unforgivable and sometimes people will just continue showing the same shitty behavior.

So in general: Do I hold grudges? Fuck yeah. For life. I literally have an excel list for that purpose - for people who have tried to fuck with me personally and even people like Wes Andersen, who used an orca from Sea World for his movie (if you don't know what I'm talking about, watch the movie Blackfish).


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## Clyme (Jul 17, 2014)

I don't hold grudges. There are better things to spend my time on. Life is more miserable when you dwell on things you cannot change or control. Furthermore, it seems to be that if such an individual wishes things to be reconciled, it is better for everyone that they should be and so I should easily be reconciled. I can count two grudges I've held in my life. Neither were healthy and neither yielded anything warranting the energy thoroughly invested in them. I intend not to make that mistake again.


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## jtour (Oct 26, 2017)

Yes, if someone insults me, and I am in a position to wait several years to retaliate appropriately, I usually find that's reasonable. You should, if you still feel like pursuing a vendetta, try your very best to be as hurtful as possible to your enemy.

If it's minor irritation, like white metrosexual cluelessly obstructing egress and ingres of a commuter train, then no grudge is needed, but simple communication like "Let's go, Rainman," or "watch it, buddy" is effective.

Once retaliation has been performed, then there's no need for a grudge. That's why you shouldn't bother retaliating unless you can make it count


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## ilovegoodcheese (Oct 28, 2017)

never forget never forgive


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## ewdenore (Nov 16, 2017)

Clare_Bare said:


> If I am pushed to the edge by a person, rather than hold a grudge, I just push them out of my life.


Exactly this. For a while I'll make an attempt to explain and give the person a chance to adjust. Some people respond to this not by respecting the way I operate but by repeatedly trying to push new buttons to find the one that gets the response they want. This gets me really angry. I cut people that do this out of my life. As soon as they're gone I relax.

For whatever reason if someone is deliberately trying to harm or insult me I have no anger response at all. Maybe it just makes more sense so it's easier to respond to.


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## Emerging Eden (Nov 17, 2017)

When I feel people have no morals and 'pick' their morals I can get angry. I generally disregard what I call 'emotional' people and people that lie often but I used to get very angry with this. I just couldn't understand why people can't tell the truth and be blunt. Now I mainly just get upset when people (who are generally emotional) only respect their own feelings. I don't hate them for it and I wouldn't say I hold a grudge but I definitely judge them for it and value what they say and do accordingly.


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## Emerging Eden (Nov 17, 2017)

I used to be like this. I always tried to make people see reason. But after a while I gave up on this. With some people, who I know value my opinion, I still do but as a whole I think people are too lazy and self-centered to see the point of things. A lot of people don't change their world view beyond when the were young or only slightly adjust it. I find that frustrating but as I said: I gave up. When people completely disagree with me and I know they won't see my point of view (due to the kind of person they are) I ignore it and won't even engage in discussions. I see no point in arguing with someone who isn't willing to look at it differently. They don't have to understand _my_ point, but they have to at least try to understand where I'm getting from.


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## Sir Kanra (Jun 27, 2017)

Emerging Eden said:


> I used to be like this. I always tried to make people see reason. But after a while I gave up on this. With some people, who I know value my opinion, I still do but as a whole I think people are too lazy and self-centered to see the point of things. A lot of people don't change their world view beyond when the were young or only slightly adjust it. I find that frustrating but as I said: I gave up. When people completely disagree with me and I know they won't see my point of view (due to the kind of person they are) I ignore it and won't even engage in discussions. I see no point in arguing with someone who isn't willing to look at it differently. They don't have to understand _my_ point, but they have to at least try to understand where I'm getting from.


I get it. All this. 100%. Bluntness, truth, honesty. Just spit out. Not having to sugar coat everything and always be politically correct or non controversial. I also get the arguing with people. Well, it's starts out as an attempt at debating and from there on it's a very slippery slope into arguing territory. By then I either do the same(leave) or end up trolling just to get something out of it or test them. If they're respectful all the way through though, I'll be most pleased to have a civilized debate/discussion for once and show them the same.

But yeah. People get very stuck in what they know and what they're comfortable with, shunning new information as it comes. It's quite stifling and annoying, but comfort means a lot to many nowadays. Either that or they end up being super naïve and falling for anything. Rare well-reasoned middle ground. Really, I can't comprehend how people can be like that. Use to stress me out far too much.

Curious, though. What do you mean when you say they have no morals thus "pick their morals"?


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## Emerging Eden (Nov 17, 2017)

Kyrose said:


> I get it. All this. 100%. Bluntness, truth, honesty. Just spit out. Not having to sugar coat everything and always be politically correct or non controversial. I also get the arguing with people. Well, it's starts out as an attempt at debating and from there on it's a very slippery slope into arguing territory. By then I either do the same(leave) or end up trolling just to get something out of it or test them. If they're respectful all the way through though, I'll be most pleased to have a civilized debate/discussion for once and show them the same.
> 
> But yeah. People get very stuck in what they know and what they're comfortable with, shunning new information as it comes. It's quite stifling and annoying, but comfort means a lot to many nowadays. Either that or they end up being super naïve and falling for anything. Rare well-reasoned middle ground. Really, I can't comprehend how people can be like that. Use to stress me out far too much.
> 
> Curious, though. What do you mean when you say they *have no morals* thus "pick their morals"?


Yeah I agree with you, it's a very slippery slope. Everyone seems to think you personally attack them when you don't agree with them. *rolls eyes*

To me what's good and bad is well... pretty plain. Ofcourse you could still argue what good morals are but sensible/logical (sorry, probably bad way to describe them) people usually have the same 'standard' set of morals. Other people though... It's like they only _accept_ (read acknowledge) the morals that are comfortable to them. For example: Manipulating people to get a better result out of a situation with your charm or attractiveness even though you're not better at the situation. (I have a classmate that does this, She's infuriating.) Or something else like: leaving waste in a forest or burning your waste (very unhealthy btw!). To most people these things seem "immoral" and they would describe them thus but as soon as it's about THEM personally (and mostly diminishes their comfort) they convince themselves it's okay to do the immoral thing. Sometimes they don't even admit it's immoral and they only 'hear what they want'.

My classmate for example really misbehaved friday (she said shut the fuck up to a teacher in french and then walked away) and she said she "had a really good conversation with the teacher about it". In fact she was scolded by him, but because they had an actual conversation about it she was able to "filter through his words" (= shunning new information as you say). Translation: she hears what she wants to hear. A lot of people do this. It's like they filter their environment to their personal gain. They're incapable of looking at morals from a distance.

And this is exactly why global warming is such a problem. Everyone knows it's an issue but noone is actually okay with factoring in the environment in what they do or don't do. For example: use reusable bags instead of plastick bags. They're many more little things you can do but when noone makes it easy or comfortable for people to do a certain thing they just won't.


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## clem (Jun 10, 2017)

It seems like many of the NT types don’t tend to hold grudges. I don‘t think I’ve ever allowed a grudge to develop. Maybe that requires more FE or FI to get that emotional effect. Maybe my immediately confrontational nature stops grudges from forming. I think many people have a grudge against me though from litigation. It’s interesting to think about the emotional life of NTs. We don’t really consider our feelings all that much. 

I hope to live at peace with all people.


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## Ode to Dream (Nov 27, 2017)

Not necessarily, although I don't forget nor do I forgive. In the way, that if you break my trust once, even if we talk like nothing happened, we won't reach the same level of connection we once could and it would become a "superficial" relationship or friendship. If I don't just kick you out of my life, that is.


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## Godfather (Nov 3, 2015)

No but sometimes I wish I did. If someone offends me somehow, usually something petty, I will tell myself some stupid way of how I get back at them for a minute or two usually while on the bathroom. But then I just forget about it and go on with my day


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## Crowbo (Jul 9, 2017)




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## mnemosyne (Oct 25, 2017)

Forever, unless I forget. If they do something to remind me it all comes back.


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## Crowbo (Jul 9, 2017)




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## Cal (Sep 29, 2017)

Yeah, but not for very long. When I was younger I used to hold grudges a lot, simply for the entertainment it brought with it.

The only grudges I can say I've held for a long time are only the one grudge I have with some of my old friends for ditching me, and the grudges with my family(specifically my mom and stepmother. Especially my stepmother).

Besides that, not really...


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