# shyness is selfishness



## Peregrina (Mar 24, 2010)

You sound more as if you suffer from social anxiety and self-esteem issues, which is fine as long as you know how to manage it. I don't see you as being selfish, but instead, someone whose highly self-aware and afraid of being hurt. Reading through your post, you seem more fearful of ridicule and what outcome a potential experience could bring you, which restrains you. You're so caught up in what someone may say or comment of you that you've chosen to simply avoid these situations all together. 

You know that you focus too much on other more extraverted, socially agressive people, something I've learned can be common in extremely shy people, and at the same time, feel judged due to that inherent fear of being flawed insulted you hold deep down. I think you should just learn to relax and appreciate yourself a bit more, and give yourself more credit. Focus more on your positive points, and realize that there will always be that chance of being hurt somehow along the journey. 

Once you accept being shy, youll see that this part of you will only gradually fade and be less of a threat to you. You'll realize that this shyness is a manageable as any other falw or holdback you could have, and in turn, learn to feel less anxious and reveal more of yourself. You need to know, also, how to love yourself even when others do not to survive in this society, since a true friend and helping hand is not always guaranteed. 

Good luck .


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## wisdom (Dec 31, 2008)

Zimbardo basically wrote a book about how shyness is rooted in self-centeredness. But I agree that that is not the equivalent of selfishness. I'm unsure whether there is any correlation between the two. In my mind, selfishness goes with acquisitiveness, and shy people don't go out and get.


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## sprinkles (Feb 7, 2010)

I once told a friend that you don't get a hermit crab to come out if her shell by poking at her. Let her feel safe and she will come out all on her own.


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## Astralis (Oct 23, 2011)

Shyness is more like self-consciousness than selfishness (I was about to write shellfishness, LOL).

I'm diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder, but I don't like to think about it as a disorder, I've just been very shy. Nowadays I'm less shy but more introverted than before. I still find it hard to know how to behave in social situation, and I'm afraid of saying something stupid or and ridiculed. Many times I've said something that people thought was too straightforward or weird. My way of thinking and expressing myself is quite abstract (intuitive thinking), and that confuses many people, so they think I'm out of my mind.


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## Audrey (Dec 26, 2011)

Anxiety is a disorder, so those who have it should not be considered selfish because it's not in their control. With that, there's no way to change your thought patterns and just "be cured" or "change." You learn to live with who you are, and grow from it. There are many inspirational people diagnosed with anxiety, it's just a matter of how you deal with what you are given. Freud, Ray Charles, and Johnny Depp were all diagnosed.


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## Belrose (Dec 23, 2011)

You are hyper-aware of your surroundings, and while trying to process everything your mind is generating various scenarios and their outcomes of the actions you'd take. Because of this, you are overwhelmed and are reluctant to take much action- either it being from bad experiences in the past or other sources that drove you to be so shy.

It's not selfish at all, you are not this way for personal gain and didn't choose to be.

This is how I get in scenarios that are unfamiliar or are just downright uncomfortable- which there are many because I am not a people person. It's an anxiety issue and I used to have panic attacks but reasoned them out. I have not had them in _years_.

What have I done in the past that made for a good outcome?
Will this action work well for this situation?
What is truly the source of my fear?

Piecing together what has worked and what hasn't can help, just remember. Write them down if you must for memory. And although this may sound a bit scary- you can also learn from trial-and-error to come to your own conclusions. Fear motivated me to work harder, because I got so sick of feeling afraid. It's maddening!

The way that helped me may not help you, I am not sure. But, I looked at past and present and would look at what had occurred in the past and which actions worked well to make a good result. Applying this, it worked well and I did not have bad outcomes.

However, it can be very stressful if that little voice in the back of your mind nags at you- putting those scary scenarios in your head while you're trying to do what you think would work best. So I would suggest that you talk to a doctor and ask him what methods may be best for you. I don't use medication, but maybe some people need that extra help to put their hearts and minds at ease.


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## iinnffpp (Nov 4, 2010)

no, it is not selfishness. there are many extroverts who are the definition of selfishness, and they pay a lot of attention to the world outside their thoughts. then again, there are also many introverts who are very selfish, but they're not shy people either.


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## You Sir Name (Aug 18, 2011)

I hate people with every fibre of my being who consider my social phobia "selfishness".
It already tortures me enough, the last thing I need is some judgemental, _selfish_ person making claims that are so wrong it's not even funny.


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## BroNerd (Nov 27, 2010)

I find a lot of people who are shy are heavily focused on what others want from a social situation and not what they want. Some of the most selfish SOBs I know aren't shy at all when it comes to interacting with others..focused on how to use others to get what they want-I would consider that selfish. Of course, some shy people are also selfish.


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## donkeybals (Jan 13, 2011)

It depends on the person, but in some cases, it's a form of politeness. I've been shy at times, usually in times that I should be shy. 

Also, if you are looking to kind of break the cycle of shyness, the best ways I'd say are 1. Go into an enviorment that basically forces you to talk. For example, a job in sales, you are going to have to adapt to being social to survive the job. And also, 1. Go into an enviorment that forces you to talk. That's all you got to do, and you'll realize how much your communication skills will improve, and they'll improve naturally. You'll realize that one person doesn't make that big of an impact on your life if you talk to literally hundreds in day.


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## Noliah (Dec 8, 2011)

There's city dwellers and then there be mountain folk.


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## Le Beau Coeur (Jan 30, 2011)

I can see your point, however I think shyness also has to do with having gone through difficult experiences or maybe just being very introverted and possibly genetic.


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## Michael82 (Dec 13, 2010)

If you are being shy to attract people's attention, then it could be selfish.

Shyness is _possibly_ selfishness.

I was looking up selfishness and then found Game Theory. "Game theory is a mathematical method for analyzing calculated circumstances, such as in games, where a person’s success is based upon the choices of others." Game theory - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. So if others choose to approach shy people because they feel a connection with them...

Now there is a thin line between being conscious about yourself and using shyness as an attention-grabber. Once you know you are shy, what does it mean to you? 

Does it mean you have a desire to approach people but you restrain from doing so, or
does it mean you approach people accepting yourself being shy and working with it, or
does it mean you get attention by being shy?

I think that is the correct question to ask.


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## Thalassa (Jun 10, 2010)

OrangeAppled said:


> Often shy people are excessively humble & may question their "right" to interact with others, considering themselves too inept.


I think this happens a lot to people with social anxiety. I remember feeling this way when I was younger, like other people were better than me or knew something I didn't, it's very odd to think about now.

When I did the PSI training we were taught "focus out, focus out, focus out" and one of the things that was addressed was shyness, that if you were focused completely on the other person you couldn't keep feeling shy. I don't necessarily think that's true, but I guess thinking of others or doing things for others will take your mind off of your own self-consciousness to a degree.

Sharing about yourself was also considered very unselfish by the PSI training, as it meant that other people could learn from what you had to share.


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## Thalassa (Jun 10, 2010)

You Sir Name said:


> I hate people with every fibre of my being who consider my social phobia "selfishness".
> It already tortures me enough, the last thing I need is some judgemental, _selfish_ person making claims that are so wrong it's not even funny.


It can be puzzlingly be viewed by others as snobbishness. I remember being called a snob when I was in the 4th or 5th grade and being totally floored because I didn't see myself that way at all. But now that I am an adult I think I have mistaken shy people for being cold, or for not liking me, or for being stuck-up, so I now understand how it can be viewed that way from other people.

I also remember being timid about helping with the children when I was teaching Sunday school one time, and it was viewed apparently by the leading instructor as me being lazy or unconcerned, when I simply felt frozen in anxiety not knowing what I should do.

So now I've gotten to the point where I've been too kind in my judgements of certain individuals. Like I thought this one guy was shy and he basically responded that I was an idiot to take his introversion for shyness, when he obviously (in his head) meant he wanted me to just go away.

So it's hard. You presume a shy person is selfish and you hurt the shy person's feelings. You presume the self-absorbed passive-aggressive asshole is shy, and he has a little chuckle at your expense.

It's very difficult to read minds.


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## You Sir Name (Aug 18, 2011)

fourtines said:


> It can be puzzlingly be viewed by others as snobbishness. I remember being called a snob when I was in the 4th or 5th grade and being totally floored because I didn't see myself that way at all. But now that I am an adult I think I have mistaken shy people for being cold, or for not liking me, or for being stuck-up, so I now understand how it can be viewed that way from other people.
> 
> I also remember being timid about helping with the children when I was teaching Sunday school one time, and it was viewed apparently by the leading instructor as me being lazy or unconcerned, when I simply felt frozen in anxiety not knowing what I should do.
> 
> ...


I think the solution to that problem is to assume nothing about anyone.


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## OrangeAppled (Jun 26, 2009)

fourtines said:


> When I did the PSI training we were taught "focus out, focus out, focus out" and one of the things that was addressed was shyness, that if you were focused completely on the other person you couldn't keep feeling shy. I don't necessarily think that's true, but I guess thinking of others or doing things for others will take your mind off of your own self-consciousness to a degree.


I've found similar advice to be very helpful. It may not entirely remove the shyness, but practicing that mentality over time can help ease it.


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