# Do I Really Want To Get Better?



## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

I think this is an important question to ask, and it goes for anyone. But my specific case is pretty basic. I've talked about it often.
I've had a drawn out history of failing at romance and never really coming close to achieving it. A failure most recently occurred in my mind. The girl told me not to blame myself but that circumstances of her having a boyfriend pretty much ruled out the possibility. Yet I have extreme difficulty accepting this reality as a tolerable possibility. I came into the world as the child with selective mutism that was neglected for too many years. More years than other selective mutes on average. So I constructed a feeling of being uniquely poor in my standing. Then of course I have an autism spectrum disorder which lends itself to that. So when I finally thought that I had broken free from my chains, I go out and do things to open my feelings up to the world. I am only met with disappoint. Rather extreme disappointment even just because I had to go through so much to do something so otherwise simple to anyone else to achieve absolutely nothing.
To make things worse, I am told that one day I will eventually find someone who will love me and care for me (sure people do, best not forget about them but they are too far away.) Now I can't help but look at that as complete nonsense, I have a terrible social history, I'm losing color in my skin and hair and I'm borderline underweight. It seems like any first impression I could possibly give would be so poor that it would be funny.
So I've managed to convince myself that every time I have interacted successfully with a woman in the past, it was merely a success because they felt sorry for me.That seems to be disconnected from the truth. But I don't know what the truth is. So now I brought that up and looked like a real bad guy for doing so. As a result, I can now realize that I am also delusional. But people will still say that everything will work perfectly, I will eventually meet somebody and everything will be fine. Others will say that I must develop self-esteem which is something I had before reality took its roots and destroyed it.
So who is going to love the person is ugly, depressed, negative and delusional? They would also say that I am intelligent and funny, but you know that is really canceled out by the mentally ill part. So I never had the physical aspect done, that can scarcely be fixed. But also I have no good personality or character.
I've certainly thought such things before, but when the reality sets in, it becomes much more powerful. That's when suicide becomes an option, but you know nobody will actually commit suicide. So I'm thinking of how to write a suicide note. But I don't know what to include, and it's hard to do that when your moods change and you don't feel like it the next day or anything. So it seems like an unlikely event. But happiness is just temporary and fleeting now. Thereno point. I keep proposing a fix but then I never do it. I think I don't want to do it. Maybe I want to be sad. Maybe that's how life has drama. Who knows? They say I have much potential, maybe it is wasted potential then. Plus, it is slowly being clawed away by the unfairness of life and the powers of desire. I have no focus is what I'm saying here.


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## AdroElectro (Oct 28, 2014)

have you tried vipassana/mindfulness meditation? I find it to be a huge help actually.


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

AdroElectro said:


> have you tried vipassana/mindfulness meditation? I find it to be a huge help actually.


Interesting fact, I was trying to do that actually. It was working I believe. But then I fell asleep and had a dream that I was eating food at my old house with my aunt, cousin, his friend and my brother. But then my cousin was getting frustrated with my brother so I started trying to teach him mediation like techniques by redirecting his focus to paint on the walls and ceiling. Then my brother came along and attacked him. Then my aunt started attacking my brother. The three of them were fighting and I tried to intervene, but ultimately I got a phone call from my dad and stepmother. I previously was called my stepmother when awake asking if I was at her house and I said yes. So in the dream my dad was telling me that there was a problem where he wanted to look into a White House or something. I told him that I wasn't at his house anymore, instead I was eating his old house where we didn't live anymore for some reason. So then I stopped talking on the phone and out the window I saw the new owners of the house pull up in very large truck with a connected whatchamacallit. Very large family for some reason. I didn't really warn the others, instead I raced my way out through a window and run across the neighbors yard to safety.
That was some very deep sleep I had right there. I think I will continue this meditation thing where I corrected sit cross legged for the first 20 minutes then lay down and enter deep dream filled sleep.


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## Jordgubb (Oct 5, 2013)

I don't think anyone can answer that for you.

I think it's a shame when people set their value on how others view them. You're always going to be your worst critic. 
You have to make peace with yourself. If you have inner demons it's much easier for others to hurt you.
If you accept yourself you wont need validation from others. There is no substitute for inner peace. 

I think it's a shame you're so hard on yourself. Find your inner oomph Yoda! 

"You will find only what you bring in."


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

SilentButDeadly said:


> I don't think anyone can answer that for you.
> 
> I think it's a shame when people set their value on how others view them. You're always going to be your worst critic.
> You have to make peace with yourself. If you have inner demons it's much easier for others to hurt you.
> ...


I agree, but as a corollary I will have to forget about other people because they seemingly better lives.
I remember when I was the poster-child, a person who didn't care about what anyone else did. It changed one day when I noticed some dirt on my shoes and wanted to clean them. Something changed on that day. I've been out of wack ever since. I need to find my old self and read the philosophical topics that made me interesting again. Focus on strength rather than weakness. Everyone needs to go away so I can do that because I function bed alone.


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## Jordgubb (Oct 5, 2013)

Grandmaster Yoda said:


> I agree, but as a corollary I will have to forget about other people because they seemingly better lives.
> I remember when I was the poster-child, a person who didn't care about what anyone else did. It changed one day when I noticed some dirt on my shoes and wanted to clean them. Something changed on that day. I've been out of wack ever since. I need to find my old self and read the philosophical topics that made me interesting again. Focus on strength rather than weakness. Everyone needs to go away so I can do that because I function bed alone.


Appearances can be deceiving. Just because most people seem to be having better lives, doesn't mean it's so. 
What may appear to be a happy marriage or family could be your worse nightmare. 
What I'm getting at is that you need to like yourself for who you are right now, no matter who is around. 
Just be you! People who matter should find you interesting regardless of what you read. 
As you said, Focus on strength rather than weakness!


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## MisterPerfect (Nov 20, 2015)

Grandmaster Yoda said:


> I think this is an important question to ask, and it goes for anyone. But my specific case is pretty basic. I've talked about it often.
> I've had a drawn out history of failing at romance and never really coming close to achieving it. A failure most recently occurred in my mind. The girl told me not to blame myself but that circumstances of her having a boyfriend pretty much ruled out the possibility. Yet I have extreme difficulty accepting this reality as a tolerable possibility. I came into the world as the child with selective mutism that was neglected for too many years. More years than other selective mutes on average. So I constructed a feeling of being uniquely poor in my standing. Then of course I have an autism spectrum disorder which lends itself to that. So when I finally thought that I had broken free from my chains, I go out and do things to open my feelings up to the world. I am only met with disappoint. Rather extreme disappointment even just because I had to go through so much to do something so otherwise simple to anyone else to achieve absolutely nothing.
> To make things worse, I am told that one day I will eventually find someone who will love me and care for me (sure people do, best not forget about them but they are too far away.) Now I can't help but look at that as complete nonsense, I have a terrible social history, I'm losing color in my skin and hair and I'm borderline underweight. It seems like any first impression I could possibly give would be so poor that it would be funny.
> So I've managed to convince myself that every time I have interacted successfully with a woman in the past, it was merely a success because they felt sorry for me.That seems to be disconnected from the truth. But I don't know what the truth is. So now I brought that up and looked like a real bad guy for doing so. As a result, I can now realize that I am also delusional. But people will still say that everything will work perfectly, I will eventually meet somebody and everything will be fine. Others will say that I must develop self-esteem which is something I had before reality took its roots and destroyed it.
> ...


People suck 
Reality means nothing 
Everyone is an enemy
If you live for others you will always be disipionted 
Society does not give a crap about individuals 

Have a nice day!


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## Notus Asphodelus (Jan 20, 2015)

Keep yourself healthy. Take care of yourself. Eat good food. Exercise. Explore intriguing places and thoughts. Let go of things we have no control over and instead concentrate on things we can manage such as ourselves because there are no others who would be truly concern about our own well-being than ourselves. We live in a harsh world ; especially so if you have a sensitive soul such as mine. Why make life even harder by being hard on ourselves too?


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## BenevolentBitterBleeding (Mar 16, 2015)

Grandmaster Yoda said:


> So I constructed a feeling of being uniquely poor in my standing.


Embrace this. Use it to fuel you. Or is that... _The Dark Side_? 
* *






> Then of course I have an autism spectrum disorder which lends itself to that. So when I finally thought that I had broken free from my chains, I go out and do things to open my feelings up to the world. I am only met with disappoint. Rather extreme disappointment even just because I had to go through so much to do something so otherwise simple to anyone else to achieve absolutely nothing.


This is no doubt hard; it's tough putting yourself out there and being met with rejection. It's really useless to say, but we're always changing and adapting. Evolution right? In some cases it eventually pays off. Not that you get all your dreams and wishes answered, but that you yourself evolve.



> To make things worse, I am told that one day I will eventually find someone who will love me and care for me (sure people do, best not forget about them but they are too far away.) Now I can't help but look at that as complete nonsense, I have a terrible social history, I'm losing color in my skin and hair and I'm borderline underweight. It seems like any first impression I could possibly give would be so poor that it would be funny.


No you won't eventually find anybody. It happens or it doesn't. There is no guarantee so don't kid yourself living under that false pretense.



> So I've managed to convince myself that every time I have interacted successfully with a woman in the past, it was merely a success because they felt sorry for me.That seems to be disconnected from the truth. But I don't know what the truth is. So now I brought that up and looked like a real bad guy for doing so. As a result, I can now realize that I am also delusional. But people will still say that everything will work perfectly, I will eventually meet somebody and everything will be fine.


As above; no guarantee. I've said this before, but I think because of where you are and your limited access to the groups of people - numbers - who are more similar to you/mature/appreciate certain topics of interest etc... the data you have to go on is really fucking with your outlook.

Once you're in college and socializing with said like minded individuals; if it's not any better, feel free to re-post.



> Others will say that I must develop self-esteem which is something I had before reality took its roots and destroyed it.


Aren't there other ways to build your self esteem?



> So who is going to love the person is ugly, depressed, negative and delusional?


Other ugly, depressed, negative, and delusional people. Or no one. So lower your standards, or put more energy into activities that will counter; things in of your control.


Assuming you can't control your genes to _look_ better. There are things you can do to make yourself more aesthetically attractive. But not everyone is looking for the perfect 10 in this area. As evidenced by the countless amount of threads on it.
Depression and negativity probably go hand in hand. I don't know how you can actually cure this without some pseudo bullshit like, "Think positive, be positive!" but you know, there are a lot of Gurus who make a lot of money selling books like that. And some of them are actually decent reads. With some ridiculously simple statements that are so obvious that we've forgotten the message; but they reawaken something... a perspective perhaps?
Delusion I got nothing for you. Own it. Depending on how severe; take medication. I guess it's the same with depression and negativity. There's meds for that! /s



> They would also say that I am intelligent and funny, but you know that is really canceled out by the mentally ill part. So I never had the physical aspect done, that can scarcely be fixed. But also I have no good personality or character.


Yea, no wonder you were voted MOTM. Maybe everyone is mentally ill?



> I've certainly thought such things before, but when the reality sets in, it becomes much more powerful. That's when suicide becomes an option, but you know nobody will actually commit suicide. So I'm thinking of how to write a suicide note. But I don't know what to include, and it's hard to do that when your moods change and you don't feel like it the next day or anything. So it seems like an unlikely event.


I'm not going to stop you from committing suicide if that's what you think is really going to solve your issues. But you can't guarantee me of anything after the fact, so good luck that it's better.

As for a note; everything you want to say but you can't/couldn't say. Make sure you don't leave anything out because well, it's almost guaranteed that you won't have a second chance. In this life, at any rate.



> But happiness is just temporary and fleeting now. Thereno point. I keep proposing a fix but then I never do it. I think I don't want to do it. Maybe I want to be sad. Maybe that's how life has drama. Who knows? They say I have much potential, maybe it is wasted potential then.


Happiness is supposed to be like that. Haven't you ever seen "Vanilla Sky"? _"...the sweet ain't as sweet."_

The underlined: it seems like you already answered your own questions. Sadness can be addicting if that's your baseline. Many people still function and find small success despite gravitating to it.

Sounds more like you're afraid to fail your potential. Maybe that's a natural response to the conditioning of being told one has it; the rebellion against, or the trap of not bothering to do anymore.

Everything seems longer because of your ability to gauge time; 10-20 is very different from 20-30. I wrote out something, but it seemed like a spoiler or cheat code. For better or worse, it's best you comprehend it on your own.





> Plus, it is slowly being clawed away by the unfairness of life and the powers of desire. I have no focus is what I'm saying here.


You could put this on a bumper sticker because a lot of people would buy it.


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

BenevolentBitterBleeding said:


> Embrace this. Use it to fuel you. Or is that... _The Dark Side_?
> * *
> 
> 
> ...


-Self-esteem may I remind you is nothing but narcissism. The opposite of what we really need.
-Taking medication is against my beliefs about how the mind works.
-Ugliness seems irrelevant to some. Things often need to be made irrelevant.
-Also, delusion is not cured by medication. There things that we don't know yet pretend to know. It is that simple.
-I was actually thinking of creating a puzzle, a bunch of riddles for the police to use to find my body.
I have figured this out. Instead of death, abstinence. Instead of seeking out pleasures, I will subdue them. Emotions follow thoughts, the thoughts are cloudy and murky. Meditation, despite seeming like a pop culture fad seems to be quite a solution. It is all about training the mind. My mind is the crazy monkey as the man in the video said. Today I have attempted this meditation, though the man insisted that results would not take hold for years, I have found a fast change. As a show once said "when we reach our lowest point, we are open to the greatest change." 
The idea of partnership is such a difficult one to hope. Therefore I will live life as though it is a sin to desire it. It must be quieted.
Importance is only a matter of opinion, but often the mind will play tricks and the walls will close in. This isn't important. Nothing is this important. Good for everyone else, not good for me. But I will train myself to not care any longer.
I was doing quite well until I read your post. Doesn't that say something? You are just a wall to break down. A trick to push me back into the fire. I won't have it. It seems that you require more advice than I do at this point.


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

Notus Asphodelus said:


> Keep yourself healthy. Take care of yourself. Eat good food. Exercise. Explore intriguing places and thoughts. Let go of things we have no control over and instead concentrate on things we can manage such as ourselves because there are no others who would be truly concern about our own well-being than ourselves. We live in a harsh world ; especially so if you have a sensitive soul such as mine. Why make life even harder by being hard on ourselves too?


You too only understand the truth cut in half. Life doesn't have to be unfair, if you don't view it that way. Perspectives must be changed, exercise is just a distraction. I need to achieve full focus and control. It's like saying we need destructive interference to lower the sound of the speakers coming from the other room. What happens when that destructive interference is lost? Bad stuff. We don't need that, we need to go to the room and shut the speakers off directly.


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## BenevolentBitterBleeding (Mar 16, 2015)

Grandmaster Yoda said:


> -Self-esteem may I remind you is nothing but narcissism. The opposite of what we really need.
> -Taking medication is against my beliefs about how the mind works.
> -Ugliness seems irrelevant to some. Things often need to be made irrelevant.
> -Also, delusion is not cured by medication. There things that we don't know yet pretend to know. It is that simple.



Isn't it about balance and boundary?
As it is for me. But people _do_ report living _'happier'_ lives with assistance. Also, legal/illegal substances does have an ability to affect overall ways of thinking/cognition(+ or -).
Everyone has their taste. Attractive isn't always just the superficial aesthetic. There are options to _'look'_ better.
Delusion; of nothing I know. Medication alleviates; numbs?


* *






> -I was actually thinking of creating a puzzle, a bunch of riddles for the police to use to find my body.


At least there will be some fun to be had out of it; how unselfish of you.



> I have figured this out. Instead of death, abstinence. Instead of seeking out pleasures, I will subdue them. Emotions follow thoughts, the thoughts are cloudy and murky. Meditation, despite seeming like a pop culture fad seems to be quite a solution. It is all about training the mind. My mind is the crazy monkey as the man in the video said. Today I have attempted this meditation, though the man insisted that results would not take hold for years, I have found a fast change. As a show once said "when we reach our lowest point, we are open to the greatest change."


Simple living. Simply living?



> The idea of partnership is such a difficult one to hope. Therefore I will live life as though it is a sin to desire it. It must be quieted.
> 
> Importance is only a matter of opinion, but often the mind will play tricks and the walls will close in. This isn't important. Nothing is this important. Good for everyone else, not good for me. But I will train myself to not care any longer.


It sounds like you're going from one flawed view to another drastically flawed view. Like you're going to end up repressing things and eventually regress or worse... but if it helps you place it lower on your priorities towards building a better independent life for yourself; why not?



> I was doing quite well until I read your post. Doesn't that say something? You are just a wall to break down. A trick to push me back into the fire. I won't have it. It seems that you require more advice than I do at this point.


That is harsh, I is hurt. And yes I could always use certain perspectives. After rereading my post, perhaps it seemed abrasive/condescending? It wasn't my intent; nor was it to have you feeling unwell. Apologies if that was the case.

And you're not even in the fire yet, just feeling the heat; so I'm not pushing you back. I'm saying wait till you actually get burned and see whether or not you're made of water. Or _earth_? Or maybe it's that your head was in the ground so all you could see was dirt and there was no fire... it was actually the warmth from the light of all the hearts calling out to you!! Oh god, I think _I am_ the one that needs talking too...






Grandmaster Yoda said:


> Bad stuff. We don't need that, we need to go to the room and shut the speakers off directly.


And if it's not your speaker to turn off? Why can't you put on headphones and listen to your own music that gives you pleasure which also happens to drown out outside _noise_?


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## Stelmaria (Sep 30, 2011)

Life is tough when you are far different from the norm. I don't know what to say that won't be fake. 

Just try to find your niche in this world, don't stop looking.


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

BenevolentBitterBleeding said:


> Isn't it about balance and boundary?
> As it is for me. But people _do_ report living _'happier'_ lives with assistance. Also, legal/illegal substances does have an ability to affect overall ways of thinking/cognition(+ or -).
> Everyone has their taste. Attractive isn't always just the superficial aesthetic. There are options to _'look'_ better.
> Delusion; of nothing I know. Medication alleviates; numbs?
> ...


No self-esteem is bad. We talked about it, you just remember sir or madam.
I disagree, this lifestyle is effective. I am feeling a change, I felt it yesterday. Positive thoughts can also catch on, but the point is training the mind after all. It is working.
Try it, whenever a particular line of thinking came to me, I said "stop." Then I changed it to something mundane or different. Even some random talk about how effective it was. No mind is completely silent, and volume isn't really what I am judging at any rate, but if we talk about only a few things in the mind, we will be good. Believe me sir or madam.
We just need to take therapy more aggressively. First I conquered anxiety, now I just need to conquer depression. Aggressive treatment will lead to long-term alterations.
I must be a master of all four elements if I am ever to survive.


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## BenevolentBitterBleeding (Mar 16, 2015)

Grandmaster Yoda said:


> No self-esteem is bad. We talked about it, you just remember sir or madam.
> I disagree, this lifestyle is effective. I am feeling a change, I felt it yesterday. Positive thoughts can also catch on, but the point is training the mind after all. It is working.
> Try it, whenever a particular line of thinking came to me, I said "stop." Then I changed it to something mundane or different. Even some random talk about how effective it was. No mind is completely silent, and volume isn't really what I am judging at any rate, but if we talk about only a few things in the mind, we will be good. Believe me sir or madam.
> We just need to take therapy more aggressively. First I conquered anxiety, now I just need to conquer depression. Aggressive treatment will lead to long-term alterations.
> I must be a master of all four elements if I am ever to survive.


I like this descriptive method more so than the few previous posts; the speaker makes more sense now. All natural, all will. Kill or grow; whichever works wonders.

If you're getting into meditation and mindfulness etc... I think there's a book by Eckhart Tolle that's wonderful in its _'bullshit'_ but not bullshit.


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

BenevolentBitterBleeding said:


> I like this descriptive method more so than the few previous posts; the speaker makes more sense now. All natural, all will. Kill or grow; whichever works wonders.
> 
> If you're getting into meditation and mindfulness etc... I think there's a book by Eckhart Tolle that's wonderful in its _'bullshit'_ but not bullshit.


You see change where it does not exist.


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## BenevolentBitterBleeding (Mar 16, 2015)

Grandmaster Yoda said:


> You see change where it does not exist.


Than either I'm now temporarily saddened, or continue to be ignorant for your bliss. :numbness:


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

BenevolentBitterBleeding said:


> Than either I'm now temporarily saddened, or continue to be ignorant for your bliss. :numbness:


Why must I use cellular data? If the wifi worked this wouldn't be a problem.


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## BenevolentBitterBleeding (Mar 16, 2015)

Grandmaster Yoda said:


> Why must I use cellular data? If the wifi worked this wouldn't be a problem.


Because the experience of all future direct costs an arm and a leg.


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## Zen Lizard (Dec 28, 2013)

Grandmaster Yoda said:


> No self-esteem is bad. We talked about it, you just remember sir or madam.
> I disagree, this lifestyle is effective. I am feeling a change, I felt it yesterday. Positive thoughts can also catch on, but the point is training the mind after all. It is working.
> Try it, whenever a particular line of thinking came to me, I said "stop." Then I changed it to something mundane or different. Even some random talk about how effective it was. No mind is completely silent, and volume isn't really what I am judging at any rate, but if we talk about only a few things in the mind, we will be good. Believe me sir or madam.
> We just need to take therapy more aggressively. First I conquered anxiety, now I just need to conquer depression. Aggressive treatment will lead to long-term alterations.
> I must be a master of all four elements if I am ever to survive.


I would suggest self-compassion as an alternate to the pursuit of self-esteem.

I agree with you that perspective must be changed, and one's mind is where the change begins.. Derailing repetitive negative thinking is the start of making that change, and it seems that you've already made progress on your own to this end. If one is aware of destructive thoughts, the next step is finding some kind of beneficial practice to nudge the mind into an alternate track.

I would encourage you to continue any course or meditation that you find helpful in your mind training. Don't be discouraged if this re-training takes more time and effort than you planned on. I find a daily spiritual practice combined with cognitive behavioral therapy to be most helpful for me, and have a marked decrease in anxiety and negative thoughts. 

The mental habits of a lifetime aren't easy to turn around in a few days or a few weeks. It's a cumulative thing, something to engage in on a regular basis for the rest of life.


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

BenevolentBitterBleeding said:


> Because the experience of all future direct costs an arm and a leg.


I have only used 100MB this weekend, that is quadruple any reasonable expectation.


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

Zen Lizard said:


> I would suggest self-compassion as an alternate to the pursuit of self-esteem.
> 
> I agree with you that perspective must be changed, and one's mind is where the change begins.. Derailing repetitive negative thinking is the start of making that change, and it seems that you've already made progress on your own to this end. If one is aware of destructive thoughts, the next step is finding some kind of beneficial practice to nudge the mind into an alternate track.
> 
> ...


This one is far more researched and well read. I am simply fallen into a pit. Though the original thoughts of this thread come from a ways ago, I am only currently plagued by them to the extreme. Consider that, this has been my opinion for some time now, years even, except it has never grabbed me at this intensity. Well it has, but those are only specific periods of pain. Normally it would not affect me so much in the cosmic background of thoughts where it could be untouched. It simply a change in experience that has brought them out once more, I must work diligently to counter the strength of the experiences' grasp with these useful methods. Then I will restore peace and balance to the my person, even if temporarily. It simply a matter of escaping the pit, but also with the long-term it effects of meditation, I may also learn to prevent pitfalls in the first place.


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## LostFavor (Aug 18, 2011)

Re: The topic name. I do sometimes wonder if there's a desire to create problems for one's self, so that there is a reason for criticism to back off, i.e. "I'm suffering from X, so I have an excuse to be Y."

I know that in my case, when I was sick (physically) as a kid, people were always nicer to me and expected less. Now I wonder if part of my wants to be sick at times, so that my inner critic will be nicer and expect less. One of the most productive times of my life, in recent months, was when I got sick around Christmas time. After the initial debilitating part wore off, I got a lot more done while recovering than I often get done while healthy. I suspect this was in part because it was harder to do my normal time-wasting activities and also because I was just relaxing more (since I was sick and needed the rest) and so it was easier to have reasonable expectations, which, in a surprising turn of events (surprising to me, apparently) was more motivating.

I think for me, when I don't do what I feel I "should be doing" or "should have done," it just builds up and builds up. But when I'm sick, I'm able to take a step back and say, "I'm sick, so if I didn't do what I wanted to do today, it's OK, because I'm sick and it's harder to do stuff right now." So I end up having a healthier mentality regarding failure. I also am more likely to take an entire day to just relax and refuse to do anything work-like, without feeling bad about it. 

I don't know if this applies to you at all, but something in what you said made me think it might strike a chord of some kind. I'm not really sure what would be done with the information either, if it did apply. I literally just thought of this shit right now.


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## Roland Khan (May 10, 2009)

I want death, but I want a cause worthy of giving it to me rather than simple suicide.


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## Pepeljara (Apr 30, 2016)

Grandmaster Yoda said:


> I think this is an important question to ask, and it goes for anyone. But my specific case is pretty basic. I've talked about it often.
> I've had a drawn out history of failing at romance and never really coming close to achieving it. A failure most recently occurred in my mind. The girl told me not to blame myself but that circumstances of her having a boyfriend pretty much ruled out the possibility. Yet I have extreme difficulty accepting this reality as a tolerable possibility. I came into the world as the child with selective mutism that was neglected for too many years. More years than other selective mutes on average. So I constructed a feeling of being uniquely poor in my standing. Then of course I have an autism spectrum disorder which lends itself to that. So when I finally thought that I had broken free from my chains, I go out and do things to open my feelings up to the world. I am only met with disappoint. Rather extreme disappointment even just because I had to go through so much to do something so otherwise simple to anyone else to achieve absolutely nothing.
> To make things worse, I am told that one day I will eventually find someone who will love me and care for me (sure people do, best not forget about them but they are too far away.) Now I can't help but look at that as complete nonsense, I have a terrible social history, I'm losing color in my skin and hair and I'm borderline underweight. It seems like any first impression I could possibly give would be so poor that it would be funny.
> So I've managed to convince myself that every time I have interacted successfully with a woman in the past, it was merely a success because they felt sorry for me.That seems to be disconnected from the truth. But I don't know what the truth is. So now I brought that up and looked like a real bad guy for doing so. As a result, I can now realize that I am also delusional. But people will still say that everything will work perfectly, I will eventually meet somebody and everything will be fine. Others will say that I must develop self-esteem which is something I had before reality took its roots and destroyed it.
> ...


Do you know what exactly turned your self-image around ? And have you thought about what you actually want ? Do you know what could make you happy ?


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

Pepeljara said:


> Do you know what exactly turned your self-image around ? And have you thought about what you actually want ? Do you know what could make you happy ?


I thing I did 3 years ago that I will not mention again. I am on a path toward happiness at the moment.


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## Pepeljara (Apr 30, 2016)

Grandmaster Yoda said:


> I thing I did 3 years ago that I will not mention again. I am on a path toward happiness at the moment.


well, I'm glad you're on your way then. I wish you good luck


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## Zen Lizard (Dec 28, 2013)

@Grandmaster Yoda I too wish you well on your path to happiness. May it continue to be a beneficial and healing journey.


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## angelfish (Feb 17, 2011)

I think humans are wired to love and be loved. There are those out there who will love you just because you are, because love is a fundamental part of who they are and because it is a fundamental part of who you are, and so you are inherently lovable regardless of your specific qualities. You do have what I consider to be good personality and character; it comes across on this site. You sound like my type anyway - slender, socially unusual, and intellectual. But I don't seek to prove anything to you - I understand that is probably not going to be of help - just to suggest that love is not linear or rational. It has its own bizarre magic and it seems to arise most not when it is hunted down nor when it is merited but when doors are opened to it.

If you're at the point where all seems hopeless anyway, you could try opening all the doors. Cease striving. Focus on being and allowing and watching. Pursue those things you know bring you enjoyment and flow through the rest. See what happens. 

No pressure from me though. Whatever you choose to do, I hope it goes well for you.


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

angelfish said:


> I think humans are wired to love and be loved. There are those out there who will love you just because you are, because love is a fundamental part of who they are and because it is a fundamental part of who you are, and so you are inherently lovable regardless of your specific qualities. You do have what I consider to be good personality and character; it comes across on this site. You sound like my type anyway - slender, socially unusual, and intellectual. But I don't seek to prove anything to you - I understand that is probably not going to be of help - just to suggest that love is not linear or rational. It has its own bizarre magic and it seems to arise most not when it is hunted down nor when it is merited but when doors are opened to it.
> 
> If you're at the point where all seems hopeless anyway, you could try opening all the doors. Cease striving. Focus on being and allowing and watching. Pursue those things you know bring you enjoyment and flow through the rest. See what happens.
> 
> No pressure from me though. Whatever you choose to do, I hope it goes well for you.


This is working out to be circular as before. It seems that sense of optimism doesn't change reality. Buddha was completely right, we should get rid of all expectations because those are what cause suffering.


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

Snowy Leopard said:


> Life is tough when you are far different from the norm. I don't know what to say that won't be fake.
> 
> Just try to find your niche in this world, don't stop looking.


I don't know what it is about these people. How do I withdraw from something if it will only seem incomprehensible and unprovoked? I wonder why I keep trying, why I continue to expect good results when it seems bad results will follow.


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## angelfish (Feb 17, 2011)

Grandmaster Yoda said:


> This is working out to be circular as before. It seems that sense of optimism doesn't change reality. Buddha was completely right, we should get rid of all expectations because those are what cause suffering.


Personally I have found hope more powerful than optimism. Possibility more than promise.


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

angelfish said:


> Personally I have found hope more powerful than optimism. Possibility more than promise.


This is not the first time. I just need to have things they were before this all happened. Everything was about me, but in a way that rendered others unnecessary. Now it is still all about me, but about using others as fulfillment. I desire more than I am allotted and as a result I destroy myself. I have to get rid of everything and start over somehow.


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

Fear is better than disappointment.


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## Amine (Feb 23, 2014)

I'd say give up on women. You can't control them, so might as well focus on what you can rather than breaking yourself or beating yourself up over failing constantly. Some things some people just aren't cut out for. I stopped trying with women. Unlike what people say, that does not make them suddenly start falling from the sky. But at least I'm not constantly grinding myself into the dirt. 

One thing you can control is your physique. That's how I see it anyway. You can go to the gym and get strong. It's nice to be strong. Again, I'm not saying to do this to attract women, nor am I saying it even will attract them. But being fit and such is just a generally good thing in life. You mentioned your body so I say, that's something you can easily fix by taking certain steps. The women thing, not so much. 

There's a lot of factors involved. For instance, after I stopped trying with women, I did start going to a philosophy group and wound up after some time in a fling with some girl who also went. The group was a sort of filter for things like personality and intelligence. If you focus more on things that interest you, you're more likely to meet people who interest you through those things. But actually it turned out that I wasn't that interested in a relationship even when it fell in my lap. Maybe it was always something I thought I should do but never really had the enthusiasm for, and that's why I always failed. Maybe you don't even really _want_ a girlfriend.


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## BenevolentBitterBleeding (Mar 16, 2015)

Grandmaster Yoda said:


> I wonder why I keep trying, why I continue to expect good results when it seems bad results will follow.


Try but without expectation; you see what you're looking for.



Grandmaster Yoda said:


> This is not the first time. I just need to have things they were before this all happened. Everything was about me, but in a way that rendered others unnecessary. Now it is still all about me, but about using others as fulfillment. I desire more than I am allotted and as a result I destroy myself. I have to get rid of everything and start over somehow.


You shouldn't have gone poking in down the rabbit hole. You can't unlearn what you learned. Of course, you could try to get some type of pseudo lobotomy done. You're only less than allotted because you've already thought the end for yourself without any hero's journey.



Grandmaster Yoda said:


> I have only used 100MB this weekend, that is quadruple any reasonable expectation.


Exceeding limits will be met with dire overcharge.


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

Amine said:


> I'd say give up on women. You can't control them, so might as well focus on what you can rather than breaking yourself or beating yourself up over failing constantly. Some things some people just aren't cut out for. I stopped trying with women. Unlike what people say, that does not make them suddenly start falling from the sky. But at least I'm not constantly grinding myself into the dirt.
> 
> One thing you can control is your physique. That's how I see it anyway. You can go to the gym and get strong. It's nice to be strong. Again, I'm not saying to do this to attract women, nor am I saying it even will attract them. But being fit and such is just a generally good thing in life. You mentioned your body so I say, that's something you can easily fix by taking certain steps. The women thing, not so much.
> 
> There's a lot of factors involved. For instance, after I stopped trying with women, I did start going to a philosophy group and wound up after some time in a fling with some girl who also went. The group was a sort of filter for things like personality and intelligence. If you focus more on things that interest you, you're more likely to meet people who interest you through those things. But actually it turned out that I wasn't that interested in a relationship even when it fell in my lap. Maybe it was always something I thought I should do but never really had the enthusiasm for, and that's why I always failed. Maybe you don't even really _want_ a girlfriend.


One of the things I have trouble with is looking back, conceptually, those girls were "not for me." They aren't sharing my interests or anything. I was just reeled in by strong emotions that I couldn't control very well. So I just jumped in, if the consequences were bad, I just kept sucking everything I could out of it before it would inevitably collapse.
Maybe I'm pressured to think I want one in general and fail to care for any discrete characteristics. But it's really done for myself as I have never grasped the mutual nature of relationship very well.
I think I have to agree with you, I might have to give up but part of that is self control which I must train myself to have.


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

BenevolentBitterBleeding said:


> Try but without expectation; you see what you're looking for.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


To me, it's three strikes and you're out. I had four strikes but I continued playing. Why? I don't know, temptation, the feeling of love. I need to get real and fast.


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## BenevolentBitterBleeding (Mar 16, 2015)

Grandmaster Yoda said:


> To me, it's three strikes and you're out. I had four strikes but I continued playing. Why? I don't know, temptation, the feeling of love. I need to get real and fast.


Doesn't having four strikes mean you already surpassed regulated limits?

I don't play baseball; you shouldn't either. Try golf instead; which I don't play either...


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

BenevolentBitterBleeding said:


> Doesn't having four strikes mean you already surpassed regulated limits?
> 
> I don't play baseball; you shouldn't either. Try golf instead; which I don't play either...


Yes, that is part of the metaphor. I should have stopped last time. It is similar to saying "this should have been done yesterday."


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## BenevolentBitterBleeding (Mar 16, 2015)

quixotis said:


> I've also found that every time I refused to let failure encumber me, I become a little more resilient.
> * *
> 
> 
> ...


It seems that although there are no _'tangible accomplishment(s) to speak of'_; you've managed to acquire a few of the best intangible ones.


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## leftover crack (May 12, 2013)

*As to actually answer the question this thread seems to be about*

Uh getting this started is a bit difficult so please excuse this pointless strip of text and all the spelling mistakes my keyboard loves to make. Also excuse the editing I'm just trying to make this legible.

This really is difficult like it's taking me 4 hours now (well I _have_ been doing other stuff)

You get used to the state you're in and it's really difficult to change. It's like an abusive relationship. It's like heroin.

Anecdotes
I myself don't have no fucking clue what being "better" feels like because I might have never known or I've forgot. I grew up pretty isolated in a turbulent environment and I still am rather isolated and really bad at making friends as I get so nervous once someone actually tries to befriend me or something is going well it's just so foreign yet it feels good but im just so fucking afraid of that feeling.

The same goes for my learning difficulties. I know it's really hard for me to get on with whatever and I usually am left to do all that shit after midnight, hours before the deadline. It's impossible for me to focus before that. I know it's hard for me but how the hell am I supposed to know that I should get help when I have no idea what it's like for other people? How am I supposed to know if whenever I speak up about it my parents dismiss it as me making shit up?

Really the only way to get better is to surround yourself with good people and positive, supportive surroundings.
But how the fuck do you get all that when you are unable to get it for yourself?

Back to the not wanting to get better part. It's probably going to be pretty turbulent, switching from one state to another. 

Apparently a very good way to feel better is to be healthy and apparently the healthiest lifestyle is a vegan one where you eat lots of carbohydrate rich plant stuff in rather large amounts. I dunno maybe it's worth a try. 


Wait a minute, you said you're on the autism spectrum. Uhh I have no idea how you manage that but a healthy lifestyle would probably help regardless.



I don't know if this was remotely helpful. It's what you already know.


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## leftover crack (May 12, 2013)

Or you can order a robotic smex doll or get VR pron. It's no substitute for friendship and feelings but it should get you through while you focus on things you like that would eventually make you desirable. Or you find the right female. You are, after all, my age and it's not like I expect to get dick right this instant. I've been thinking of around 22 is when I'd start even thinking about dating.


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

Peter said:


> You seem to feel really sorry for yourself. You say there is no focus in what you´re writing, but other than not really using paragraphs, it's pretty focused.
> 
> Forget about women, and focus on something you can achieve. Once you achieve some things, you'll be surprised how many women start showing an interest in you.
> 
> It's like this: if you want butterflies in your garden,... don't go hunting butterflies,.... go plant flowers.


Focus must be shifted elsewhere, indeed.


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

quixotis said:


> I'm also disadvantaged in several ways, and have failed in everything I set out to do, including every relationship. It's like single-mindedly trekking toward the mirage of a paradise (constant need to improve myself) only to snap out of it and see just the desert and my own foolish self. For just awhile, the "better future" that I focus on disappears. Hence that unstable self-esteem as it depends entirely on perspective (zoom in, zoom out, past, present, future, and which aspects of those I shift my attention to), and perspective changes swiftly, constantly. In psychology, it's the called the phenomenal self (supposedly impaired for people on the autism spectrum, so that's interesting)
> 
> I think the mirage (delusions) keeps us moving forward while reality kicks in so we can recalibrate our course. Maybe we need them both for our journeys. Maybe some start off more off course than others and require more trials and errors to reach our destinations, but that's just the way it is, not necessarily better or worse. That's just a value judgement assigned by human beings, and human beings don't always see the true value of things. I always like the Cracked Pot allegory. What I mean is, there can also be value in being disadvantaged, in constant "failure".
> 
> ...


I have a feeling that I was unsettled with something that I will not specifically mention. During my route to happiness something happened that shot me off course. Now I fired back. It seems helpful, sometimes just because it is in your doesn't mean you can't ease the externalities that break down focus.


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

rejected said:


> Uh getting this started is a bit difficult so please excuse this pointless strip of text and all the spelling mistakes my keyboard loves to make. Also excuse the editing I'm just trying to make this legible.
> 
> This really is difficult like it's taking me 4 hours now (well I _have_ been doing other stuff)
> 
> ...


It's when you trapped, that you cannot get out. You must break out, do something for real then let the mental training occur.


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

rejected said:


> Or you can order a robotic smex doll or get VR pron. It's no substitute for friendship and feelings but it should get you through while you focus on things you like that would eventually make you desirable. Or you find the right female. You are, after all, my age and it's not like I expect to get dick right this instant. I've been thinking of around 22 is when I'd start even thinking about dating.


No, I'm just going to stop exposing myself to things such as social media, and try to avoid the comments of other people that make me feel inferior so that I could mentally build defenses to stand against them in the future. Take Instagram for example, I am sitting here in my room doing nothing and I have a little three and half inch window into sights of everyone else exploring mountains and beaches. That's not a productive app to have.


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## Doktorin Zylinder (May 10, 2015)

If you wanted to get better, you'd get better instead of talking about getting better and justifying why you are where you are in your life.


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## Wiggentree (Feb 8, 2013)

I won't press, but it seems like you're definitely on your way to building fortitude and it's what you're aiming for first and foremost. Hopefully, you won't be too harsh on yourself when you get shot off course because what matters is that you do fire back eventually. Each time you do this, it gets easier to stay on course. And even when you do beat yourself over losing focus, it seems like you just eventually see it through and get right back to the path you alone have to walk. Again, I don't think any journey is ever linear... you may find yourself taking detours, you may find yourself too tired to move forward, you may have to backtrack at times, but it's all part of it, isn't it? That fortitude, it'll always be within you to help you navigate once you have it. Nothing and nobody will be able to take it from you then. I really do wish you the best of luck!


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## leftover crack (May 12, 2013)

Grandmaster Yoda said:


> It's when you trapped, that you cannot get out. You must break out, do something for real then let the mental training occur.


Obviously


Grandmaster Yoda said:


> No, I'm just going to stop exposing myself to things such as social media, and try to avoid the comments of other people that make me feel inferior so that I could mentally build defenses to stand against them in the future. Take Instagram for example, I am sitting here in my room doing nothing and I have a little three and half inch window into sights of everyone else exploring mountains and beaches. That's not a productive app to have.


Why? Does it really bother you that much? I have instagram and I barely look at it because it's just so boring. 

Ok so I had a look at my instagram and all I see is, oo a nice retro car! Really nice. OMG THOSE RIGS FROM PCMR THEY SO SWEET! Really really nice also. A Madonna, actual queen. 

Am I in any way disadvantaged from looking at that? No, I don't think so.

Lets check facebook!

A humorous 9gag thingi that's funny in theory but not really in practice (i mean its alright but it can't make me laugh), A BUNCH OF SELFIES! Now, if you've seen a picture of me on this site you'd know I'm smoking hot /s but these people just seem so fucking unattractive because they try so hard. I dunno, theres quite a few hot people now that I looked a bit further but to me that doesn't mean a thing when it's on facebook. I need to know the personality behind the face.
I don't see anything smart being posted it's all just a giant sucking-up orgy.

I guess if you follow people who are actually human beings that all changes a bit.
*decent but im leaving it like this because its really funny. My eyesight is fine it's just my ADD-like symptoms, I think.


What sort of comments make you feel inferior on a social media? THERES LITERALLY NOTHING OF VALUE ON THERE, ESPECIALLY THE COMMENTS.

And well you know, exploring mountains and beaches _is_ fun but its not all that. I know because I have been exploring some mountains and beaches myself and all I can really say is that I'm perfectly content with my monitor tan. The only great thing about it was total isolation from people but if we are talking about sight seeing I could not look up and appreciate the view most of the time because I was either too busy thinking and walking or I couldn't see shit without being blinded by the sun. 

Also you should probably upgrade that iPhone by now. The SE seems like a good deal, if you want a smaller phone & it's a bit bigger but you could also go for like uh a nexus phone or maybe a huawei they make pretty good phones just don't get a xiaomi these snap like crackers. The htc 10/lg v10/samsung galaxy s7 are good premium phones.


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

rejected said:


> Obviously
> 
> 
> Why? Does it really bother you that much? I have instagram and I barely look at it because it's just so boring.
> ...


That's the point, changing viewpoints.
No I had to downgrade to get what I wanted. iOS 6, the only worthwhile thing these days. iOS 9 is a catastrophe and I'm tired of touching android.


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

Doktorin Zylinder said:


> If you wanted to get better, you'd get better instead of talking about getting better and justifying why you are where you are in your life.


Blah blah blah. Just a bunch of chatter from you, whenever it fits. Go crawl under your rock grumpy one.


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## Doktorin Zylinder (May 10, 2015)

Grandmaster Yoda said:


> Blah blah blah. Just a bunch of chatter from you, whenever it fits.


How does that make you feel? :laughing:


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

Doktorin Zylinder said:


> How does that make you feel? :laughing:


Good. I will need you in the future Doctorian. I am sitting at a party and doing nothing. This is appropriate and good.


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## leftover crack (May 12, 2013)

Grandmaster Yoda said:


> No I had to downgrade to get what I wanted. iOS 6, the only worthwhile thing these days. iOS 9 is a catastrophe and I'm tired of touching android.


Yeah, iOS 6 was nice. I really liked it. Fortunately I switched to android before iOS 7.


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## Subtle Murder (May 19, 2012)

Grandmaster Yoda said:


> So I've managed to convince myself that every time I have interacted successfully with a woman in the past, it was merely a success because they felt sorry for me.That seems to be disconnected from the truth. But I don't know what the truth is. So now I brought that up and looked like a real bad guy for doing so. As a result, I can now realize that I am also delusional. But people will still say that everything will work perfectly, I will eventually meet somebody and everything will be fine. Others will say that I must develop self-esteem which is something I had before reality took its roots and destroyed it.


For your own sake, you have to tell yourself that your interactions with women have no end game. If you go into an interaction with a goal in mind and you don't quite meet it then of course you're going to feel disappointed. Focus on your interactions with women for what they are - two people conversing and having fun, getting to know one another. Having a great conversation with someone in itself is a win!  

Self-esteem is something we all have to work on, consistently. Your self-esteem is a thing that can and will be damaged. The extent and duration of this damage is dependant upon you and how long you allow it to go on. If you feel your self-esteem is damaged, do things that make YOU feel good. Things that will build you up again, make you feel more positive and self-assured. But most of all, be _kind _to yourself. You're allowed to feel bad just as much as you're allowed to feel good. The difference is in knowing which feeling serves you better. 



> So who is going to love the person is *ugly, depressed, negative and delusional*? They would also say that I am intelligent and funny, but you know that is really canceled out by the mentally ill part. So I never had the physical aspect done, that can scarcely be fixed. But also *I have no good personality or character*.


See those bits I have bolded? My question to you is: _according to whom_? Who says that you're ugly or delusional, or that you have no good personality or character? If there's a person in your life who is telling you these things, kindly tell them to _piss off_. *No one* determines your worth. Absolutely no one. And if you find that the person telling you these things is yourself, then the light at the end of the tunnel is that this can be worked on!  We all have tapes inside our minds that repeatedly tell us the things that we believe about ourselves. Your mission is to change that tape, to focus on changing what you think about yourself. It's hard when you have a mental illness because they can definitely create barriers, but changing the tape can happen slowly over time, with perseverance. (it's not going to be easy, but you have to believe that you are worth it). 



> But *happiness is just temporary and fleeting* now. Thereno point. I keep proposing a fix but then I never do it. I think I don't want to do it. Maybe I want to be sad. Maybe that's how life has drama. Who knows?


Happiness is a thing that must be created. I think one of humanity's flaws is that they seek happiness in the things external to them, like houses and cars, money and relationships etc. Happiness is something that comes from within. It's a _feeling_. Feelings generate in the cavity of your chest or the churning of your gut, and so it _must_ come from within. I used to do this exercise on my way to work every morning where I would focus on thinking about something that had made me smile or made me happy, and I would grasp at that feeling and try to maintain it for as long as I could. Every morning, I would recall things that made me feel happy in order to remember what feeling happy actually felt like. And then I began to conjure up that feeling of my own accord. Deep breathing, smiling, focusing on feeling light and airy, and overall trying to generate feelings of peace and happiness. The more you do this, the more your brain will attempt to release the right kind of chemicals to sustain this feeling. Then your happiness is tied to you and is no longer a fleeting moment that you have to try to catch. It's something you can generate within yourself.  

Amazing, you are. Successful, you will be. Use the Force inside of you to generate the outcomes you want to see outside of you. 

Best of luck to you, @Grandmaster Yoda.


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

Subtle Murder said:


> For your own sake, you have to tell yourself that your interactions with women have no end game. If you go into an interaction with a goal in mind and you don't quite meet it then of course you're going to feel disappointed. Focus on your interactions with women for what they are - two people conversing and having fun, getting to know one another. Having a great conversation with someone in itself is a win!
> 
> Self-esteem is something we all have to work on, consistently. Your self-esteem is a thing that can and will be damaged. The extent and duration of this damage is dependant upon you and how long you allow it to go on. If you feel your self-esteem is damaged, do things that make YOU feel good. Things that will build you up again, make you feel more positive and self-assured. But most of all, be _kind _to yourself. You're allowed to feel bad just as much as you're allowed to feel good. The difference is in knowing which feeling serves you better.
> 
> ...


I just thought of it and maybe after I get over this last person everything will be ok. The above was always my thought for the last three years, but most of last year I didn't feel bad about it, I just took it as reality.


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## Penny (Mar 24, 2016)

Grandmaster Yoda said:


> I think this is an important question to ask, and it goes for anyone. But my specific case is pretty basic. I've talked about it often.
> I've had a drawn out history of failing at romance and never really coming close to achieving it. A failure most recently occurred in my mind. The girl told me not to blame myself but that circumstances of her having a boyfriend pretty much ruled out the possibility. Yet I have extreme difficulty accepting this reality as a tolerable possibility. I came into the world as the child with selective mutism that was neglected for too many years. More years than other selective mutes on average. So I constructed a feeling of being uniquely poor in my standing. Then of course I have an autism spectrum disorder which lends itself to that. So when I finally thought that I had broken free from my chains, I go out and do things to open my feelings up to the world. I am only met with disappoint. Rather extreme disappointment even just because I had to go through so much to do something so otherwise simple to anyone else to achieve absolutely nothing.
> To make things worse, I am told that one day I will eventually find someone who will love me and care for me (sure people do, best not forget about them but they are too far away.) Now I can't help but look at that as complete nonsense, I have a terrible social history, I'm losing color in my skin and hair and I'm borderline underweight. It seems like any first impression I could possibly give would be so poor that it would be funny.
> So I've managed to convince myself that every time I have interacted successfully with a woman in the past, it was merely a success because they felt sorry for me.That seems to be disconnected from the truth. But I don't know what the truth is. So now I brought that up and looked like a real bad guy for doing so. As a result, I can now realize that I am also delusional. But people will still say that everything will work perfectly, I will eventually meet somebody and everything will be fine. Others will say that I must develop self-esteem which is something I had before reality took its roots and destroyed it.
> ...


I don't know if you really want to get better or not. Some people seem to only be happy when they are dwelling on their misery. I doubt you are like that though. What sounds like is getting you down is lack of relationship. That can be a real downer. I wouldn't blame that on yourself. Many well adjusted people still haven't met that special someone yet. Just be patient. Be open to the idea of a relationship, but focus on what will make you happy otherwise! You can't make anyone else happy unless you are happy yourself first. I will quote Edgar Cayce to give you something to think about. He says, (maybe not exactly but fairly close at least) "If you want to be loved make yourself lovely."


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## Peter (Feb 27, 2010)

aef8234 said:


> In my experience this doesn't work out much, the people who want to fuck you for being on the top, don't want to fuck you when you're at the bottom.
> 
> 
> Better to find someone similarly shitty and improve together.


The moral of my post was to get yourself on top. You didn't get it at all. You still want to go hunting, or worse,.. continue to feel sorry for yourself and, even more worse, together with someone else in your position......

You don't have to kiss ass to those on top to be interested in you. That indeed, like you said, doesn't work. You have to make yourself interesting to them. And when you are interesting, they will come. It's how human nature works.


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## piano (May 21, 2015)

Such negativity and discouragement from some of the posters on here lol. Take that shit elsewhere cuz you're stinking up the thread. You can be honest without being tactless and brutal.

Too much of the same thing for an extended period of time would drive anyone mad and I think that's the biggest issue here. Are you branching out into new areas of interests, meeting new people, gaining new life experiences? I realize that your anxieties and insecurities are preventing you from taking action and that a big problem you're facing currently is your perceived lack of real life skills and social prowess and standing, but there's no better way to get out of the loop-de-loop than embracing newness. Little baby steps are fine, there's no rush, even if parental figures and the like sometimes make you feel like there is.

Habits and oldness and tradition aren't bad by any means but when you see or do a thing enough you begin to associate feelings and memories to that thing and this includes negativity so it is possible for something that once brought you joy and cheer to instill pain or stress or sadness into you because of negative feeling associations. Say you're going through a depressive phase and during this phase you play a lot of Sims then it would seem only natural for your brain to subconsciously attach that depressed feeling to the game, even if the game was used mostly as a coping method or outlet. Those bad vibes may even stick to the game long after you've overcome your depression and although that doesn't mean you can never play it again you should be careful not to get re-attached to it since all it takes is one bad habit to perpetuate a slew of others, kinda like a domino effect.

On the flip side it is also possible for you to bring about positive feelings in yourself by doing things that have consistently brought you happiness in the past. Now although that doesn't excuse you of the responsibility of taking better care of yourself and seeking out new hobbies and experiences, it will definitely make it easier since the positive feeling associations act as sort of a "familiarity anchor" that will make it easier for you to tackle the unusual and unknown. It's less threatening when you have something positive and consistent to ground you and give you confidence in future endeavors.

While it's true that on the road to betterment mental health should be your top priority I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss exercise and a healthy diet as mere distractions, given that a good chunk of your self-esteem issues are related to your health and appearance. It can also help you regain the mental focus and control you feel you've lost since "healthy body, healthy mind" and whatnot. If poor eating habits are an issue then take small steps toward adopting a healthier, more diverse diet and if you can manage it then try to force yourself to go on solitary walks every now and then, pretty nature and scenery, and make sure to check out a new neighborhood or park while you're at it.

You are smarter than most people when it comes to understanding and processing the world and its complexities but living in it is another story entirely, or so I imagine. Theory vs practice. However, as a result of having an impressive theoretical understanding of the world, you have an exceptional understanding of yourself so use that to your advantage by keeping mental note of your feelings and how certain people and activities impact you and readjust your mentality and behavior toward those things accordingly.

It's obviously not something you're gonna beat in a day and I'm a prime example of that myself because I know exactly what I have to do to be happy but I can't push myself to do it cuz depression and anxiety paralyzes me, but if you break it down into smaller steps and tasks then it becomes infinitely more manageable. I realize that the problems you're facing, though similar to my own in some respect, are not ones you can just beat or ignore because they're with you forever but that's where adaptability comes into play. Slowly fix what you can and work around what you can't.

Another thing I wanna add before I check out of serious piano mode is that if you really didn't want to get better then you wouldn't have bothered making this thread in the first place and actively seeking out help like you are, so just because you're not miraculously happy doesn't mean you don't wanna get better. The intent to get better is there and that's more than enough, that is positive progression. Have you talked to your parents about this? A counselor, teachers, friends?

Also, girls have cooties and they bleed from their coochie area for a week straight so try to avoid them until after they've hit menopause cuz they are super weird before then.


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