# I need to talk. Please



## Jackdaw (Dec 8, 2009)

Relating to relationships, sex, love, and all that daisies and sunshine

I havnt been on here for a while. Its changed, looks very pretty. I didnt put this in relationships and sex etc. It didnt seem right, but I'll understand if you move it. I dont know why I'm saying this here. I suppose I'm just searching for something, anything.


Im a women, with a man. I knew he was upset. I went around to his house, to talk to him. When he saw me, he burst into tears. Wrapped me in his arms, and sobbed, and shook. 

He told me that he had got blindingly drunk, and slept with his female house mate. A few weeks ago. And that she was bearing his child.

I dont know what to do. I cant say anything, There isnt anything to do, it cant be solved. There is nothing, no matter what way either of us goes, theres is nothing that will solve it. No perservance, clear thinking, bravery - nothing you can do. Its done. And it will not go away.

He cried in my arms. He said he was sorry, he was so, so sorry. 

He said that he loved me. He didnt want to be with her, he wanted to be with me. He cried and told me he didnt want to do that with her; he wanted to do that with me. 

If he'd tried to have a bit on the side, done this sober, just done it - things would have been so much easier. I could have shouted, punched him, left. Started to move on.

She used him. Intentially or not. She had had difficulties. An abusive relationship, amongst other things. She latched onto him.

I felt something. I was hurt. I wasnt happy with the situation. But I didnt want to say anything. To get it wrong, to ruin things, to sound so suspicious, so petty. They had both had a hard time. I wasnt always there - she was someone else that could look out for him, that he could talk to, and their friendship would help her. I hadnt been, I'm not, well. I'm seeing someone with issues relating to severe depression and anxiety. I didnt trust my own mind anymore, knew how my feelings could warp.

There was a scare, a while ago, that her drink had been spiked. The blood tests came back negative. After that, she said that she couldnt sleep properly. My boyfriend is a caring person - he looks after people, he always has. He would go to her room, chat to her, just be there, until she fell asleep. She made out that she needed him, there. Asked him again and again to be there. Said that she couldnt sleep overwise.

Then she kept 'accidently' falling asleep in his bed. Finally, she negotiated to change rooms - it was well known that his room was quite warm, and he'd always had a problem with overheating at night. She said she was so cold, she had to sleep in his room. In his bed.

I took it as a little selfish, her latching on, but that things wouldnt happen. That it was a product of circumstances. I felt that my gentleman wouldnt do that, wouldnt hurt me. I trusted him, and still trust him, not to intentially hurt me. I didnt count on him getting blindingly drunk, and all of this.

I know it sounds like I'm demonising her, reasoning for him, as a way of dealing with this. Its... complicated, very complicated. And hurts like shit.

There is more to this, other parts relating to this. Alot more aspects, things that affects everything, but I've gone on to much. I dont know why I'm putting this here. I want a way out of this. I dont know what anyone can say, to help, or heal. This is torture - it will remain to be so, and it will not go away.


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## Beyond_B (Feb 2, 2011)

I am deeply sorry,for all of you.


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## Promethea (Aug 24, 2009)

Being drunk is no excuse, and being pursued by her is no excuse either. The bottom line is that he still made the *decision* to take his pants off and stick it in.


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## Jackdaw (Dec 8, 2009)

Promethea said:


> Being drunk is no excuse, and being pursued by her is no excuse either. The bottom line is that he still made the *decision* to take his pants off and stick it in.


It torments me, that I cant just rip his head off. I dont roll over and take things, its is not me. But I cant be truelly angry, or violent towards him. This hurts too much. Hurt a friend, I'll kill you. Hurt me, and a will only defend myself if I must. Ive never really given as much of a shit about myself.

It is no excuse. But I cant get it out of my head - that she's won. She has what she wants. Or at least part of what she wanted, I dont know if her plans exactly stretched to this.

She's keeping it. They both live in the same town as me, my home town. I'm 20, Ive never lived anywhere else - this is my home, with all the shit thats been attached to it previously, all the bad memories - its my home, where my family are, where I grew up. And where it will grow up. Where she will be. There is no way away from this. Apart from something I promised not to do.


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## Promethea (Aug 24, 2009)

Jackdaw said:


> It torments me, that I cant just rip his head off. I dont roll over and take things, its is not me. But I cant be truelly angry, or violent towards him. This hurts too much. Hurt a friend, I'll kill you. Hurt me, and a will only defend myself if I must. Ive never really given as much of a shit about myself.
> 
> It is no excuse. But I cant get it out of my head - that she's won. She has what she wants. Or at least part of what she wanted, I dont know if her plans exactly stretched to this.
> 
> She's keeping it. They both live in the same town as me, my home town. I'm 20, Ive never lived anywhere else - this is my home, with all the shit thats been attached to it previously, all the bad memories - its my home, where my family are, where I grew up. And where it will grow up. Where she will be. There is no way away from this. Apart from something I promised not to do.


In the future, can you really see yourself tethered to this unfortunate, broken mess? You're too good for that. 

Here is how I see the situation in the future: You can't trust him. He can't even trust himself obviously. I personally won't date 'communal people' (which is what I call them. They tend to lay down with other dogs and wake up with fleas). Not only would you carry the pain of knowing he actually physically cheated, but that in some way he is now bound to this floozy by a child. You thought it was annoying and risky to have her in the picture before, well now shes going to have more of a right to him than you do, because of the pregnancy.

Why would anyone want to stay in that situation? A guy who cheats isn't worth all this.

When you make the decision to move on, I have a few tips. But, none of it will work unless you have made that decision. 

And yes, its a terrible situation, but many people are simply going to let us down, because they are immature, selfish, unaccountable, and a variety of other attributes lacking in virtue. Its worth it to protect yourself from these people, know when to give up on them, and find someone who -deserves- all that you have to give.


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## Konan (Apr 20, 2011)

I'm going to put this "love triangle" aside for now and ask you this. Has there ever been a thought what will happen to the child? I ask this because the child in my eyes will be the true victim in this when born.


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## Jackdaw (Dec 8, 2009)

Konan said:


> I'm going to put this "love triangle" aside for now and ask you this. Has there ever been a thought what will happen to the child? I ask this because the child in my eyes will be the true victim in this when born.


This hasnt escaped my attention.
She is planning to keep it, and he will support her, whether he is with her or not.
Their landlord, a friend, had had a phycotic episode and he's moving back in with his parents. The gentleman was told he had to be out before the end of the month, before all this if I calculate rightly. He was going to move in with a friend of his, who has secured a job back here and at last notice was finding a place here. I dont know if he's found one. Gentleman was going to in the intermediate time sleep on a friends sofa. He wont stay at mine, its apparently too chaotic here (the humour! It kills me.).Girl had longer, was going to be seen if the girl could move with him. Thats not the plan now. Today, they were going into town to for an appointment with the citizenss advice bureau. He said it would be best if they found them somewhere seperate. He will support her, he will be there for the child. His own morals aside (and yes, he is a moral man. Just a fucking stupid one, but enough of that), his adoptive parents have said they will have nothing to do with him if he doesnt care for her and the child, and he loves his adoptive folks dearly.

The council will get her a house, if she's pregnant. They were both on jobseekers allowance (This is the UK, by the way. There are no jobs for our age range, espiecially in our area. The majority of student aged individuals are supported by the tax payer.). Jobseekers had halted her pay - apparently someone she knew had alleged that she was working and still claiming, though I can say it is clearly known that she wasnt. They've halted pay for eight weeks, as of.... possibly a little over a week or so ago, whilst they investigate. He is currently supporting her, regarding money.

As for the child - He wanted her to not have it. He didnt want a child by her, didnt want a child to be born this way, brought up in this, and neither do I, or possibly neither does she, if the cunt has screwed her head on properly. But she is keeping it, and she will have a place, and will be put on the dole. And the child will have contact with its father, and he will try to be there for it, and least in some part. If he isnt, then my altruism will fall through and I will kill him. Same goes for the mother, regarding care of the brat.

There was 'love triangle' in rather interesting inverted comma's there. You feel the focus was not where it should have been?I came to rant, please do not cosider me self centred in this. The.. thing *sighs* ... the child is being considered. The best that can be made of this will be made of this, for its sake. I know it cannot help the circumstances of its conception.


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## Konan (Apr 20, 2011)

Jackdaw said:


> This hasnt escaped my attention.
> She is planning to keep it, and he will support her, whether he is with her or not.
> Their landlord, a friend, had had a phycotic episode and he's moving back in with his parents. The gentleman was told he had to be out before the end of the month, before all this if I calculate rightly. He was going to move in with a friend of his, who has secured a job back here and at last notice was finding a place here. I dont know if he's found one. Gentleman was going to in the intermediate time sleep on a friends sofa. He wont stay at mine, its apparently too chaotic here (the humour! It kills me.).Girl had longer, was going to be seen if the girl could move with him. Thats not the plan now. Today, they were going into town to for an appointment with the citizenss advice bureau. He said it would be best if they found them somewhere seperate. He will support her, he will be there for the child. His own morals aside (and yes, he is a moral man. Just a fucking stupid one, but enough of that), his adoptive parents have said they will have nothing to do with him if he doesnt care for her and the child, and he loves his adoptive folks dearly.
> 
> ...


Explain what you said more whether you were serious or not on this:

_"If he isnt, then my altruism will fall through and I will kill him. Same goes for the mother, regarding care of the brat."
_


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## Jackdaw (Dec 8, 2009)

*sigh* It doesnt really deserve to be called a brat. And I do not intend to kill either of them, regardless. Im just ... shall we say, a tad tetchy.

I would not, will not, allow the child not be cared for inadequetly.


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## Konan (Apr 20, 2011)

Do you love this man?


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## Jackdaw (Dec 8, 2009)

Konan said:


> Explain what you said more whether you were serious or not on this:
> 
> _"If he isnt, then my altruism will fall through and I will kill him. Same goes for the mother, regarding care of the brat."
> _


Tell me this. If the person you loved, cared for, dearly, slept with another and got them with child, would you be terribly polite and calm when discussing the matter? I express a little of my feelings, my anger and hurt in this case. How I actually act, how a treat others, and my real concerns regarding the matter are an entirely different thing.

I have not screamed, shouted, or hurt anyone in 'real life'. Ive done what needs to be done, for others, and have made an effort to keep my composure. I take the right to let off some of my feelings here, rather than where they can do real harm.


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## Jackdaw (Dec 8, 2009)

Yes. I care for him dearly. Even if he is an idiot.


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## Konan (Apr 20, 2011)

Jackdaw said:


> Tell me this. If the person you loved, cared for, dearly, slept with another and got them with child, would you be terribly polite and calm when discussing the matter? I express a little of my feelings, my anger and hurt in this case. How I actually act, how a treat others, and my real concerns regarding the matter are an entirely different thing.
> 
> I have not screamed, shouted, or hurt anyone in 'real life'. Ive done what needs to be done, for others, and have made an effort to keep my composure. I take the right to let off some of my feelings here, rather than where they can do real harm.


I never said what you did was wrong in anyway, I am merely trying to get the whole picture to see if I can actually say something that could give you insight or help. As to answer your question; it wouldn't happen to me since I wouldn't pick a sexual partner since I am asexual myself and such a thing is of no interest to me.


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## Jackdaw (Dec 8, 2009)

Konan said:


> I never said what you did was wrong in anyway, I am merely trying to get the whole picture to see if I can actually say something that could give you insight or help. As to answer your question; it wouldn't happen to me since I wouldn't pick a sexual partner since I am asexual myself and such a thing is of no interest to me.





Lucky bastard.

Though I understand that may or may not be the case, depending.


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## Jackdaw (Dec 8, 2009)

Konan said:


> I never said what you did was wrong in anyway, I am merely trying to get the whole picture to see if I can actually say something that could give you insight or help. As to answer your question; it wouldn't happen to me since I wouldn't pick a sexual partner since I am asexual myself and such a thing is of no interest to me.



coincidently, are you the sort to take a non-sexual relationship?


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## Konan (Apr 20, 2011)

In either case; you say you love this man despite him being an idiot. Do you intend to "forgive" him for what he did?


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## Konan (Apr 20, 2011)

Jackdaw said:


> coincidently, are you the sort to take a non-sexual relationship?


Yes I am; I seek to be intimate and close but in a non-sexual way. This is about you however not me. If I needed help on my personal life then I would've made a post or talked to someone I trust. Please don't get off topic again....


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## Jackdaw (Dec 8, 2009)

Konan said:


> In either case; you say you love this man despite him being an idiot. Do you intend to "forgive" him for what he did?


^ the post before, I was curious for a reason.

I have thought along the different paths. This will always be there. There is no easy answer to the above. I can say that it is definately not a definate yes.


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## Jackdaw (Dec 8, 2009)

My mind wanders naturally. I speak because I never had intercourse with my gentleman. Other things, but not the sexual act itself. It was a complicated matter. Being asexual is something that both he and I had wondered about ourselves. I suppose it is a moot point.


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## Konan (Apr 20, 2011)

Jackdaw said:


> ^ the post before, I was curious for a reason.
> 
> I have thought along the different paths. This will always be there. There is no easy answer to the above. I can say that it is definately not a definate yes.


Perhaps not forgive him completely for say but at least not hate him? You have two options in the end; stay or leave. How you get there depends on your character. If you stay you will most likely have forgiven him or at least enough to love him still with the child however if you two do manage to stay together and be with the child will you explain to him/her that you're not their biological mother? There are complications to such things. If you leave then it is natural that him and the other woman will possibly be together but may not. I personally think it would be best for you to try and forgive him because I have a feeling that this other woman isn't responsible and neither is he but he seems to regret what he has done and so hopefully he has "learned his lesson." There is another option is for her to get an abortion so the child doesn't have to suffer this drama and then you three will work it out. Either case for you it either stay or leave; you pick. Hope whichever you pick you will be happy because at this point you should worry more about your happiness rather then his becuase chances are he will be happy no matter what you do.


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## Jackdaw (Dec 8, 2009)

Ozziechick1966 said:


> I have read this thread from start till now,and i commend the way you have handled the situation.Yes he was an idiot as you say,and there is no excuse for his actions.But clearly she set him up,and intentionally trapped him.I think she is very selfish for keeping the child,however my opinion doesn't count and i do not wish to judge anyone who has been in this situation.Whether you stay with him or not,and have any involvement in the childs life is your decision.I don't get the bit where you say that he has no input in what she does in regards to the pregnancy.He is the father of the child for f**ks sake.It takes two to tango,and she let him dip his wick in her regardless of them both being drunk.He is responsible for this child too and should be able to have a say in it's future.Anyway i am rambling,but just want to say that i totally understand you.I would want to support and stay in touch with my guy too if he was in that situation,although i would probably want to beat the crap out of him for betraying me,even though i am a very understanding ISFJ.I fell pregnant to my boyfriend of only a couple of months,and he wanted to do the right thing by marrying me.It was the marriage from hell,we were so incompatible and i didn't find out that he hit on my sister-in-law on our wedding day till after we separated years later.I forgave him for that and other shit.But whether i could forgive him for getting another woman pregnant is a whole different story.


Thankyou, Ozziechick1966.

Legally, he has no say. Morally, oh yes, but she wont listen. Legally, it is all down to her - in that realm, he has no say.
One of my issue's is, that Im torn between anger and hurt about what has happened, what has been done, and my instinct to help and care for someone I have loved very very much.

I'm leaning towards breaking up. What is done is done - and as much as I reveiw my part in things, kick myself - still, I know that I tried. I tried to still be there, and to fix things, even at time when I was furious inside and tempted to leave. I stuck with it. He ran away from the situation - being with her, being away from me and the issue's we had encountered, was apparently alot easier. He came to me afterwards, apologised, said that he had made a mistake, but its done, and neither of us can undo it. It hurts, but I feel that if we stay with this, try to save what we had - its just going to degenerate. There's more than us on the scene now. She is having his child. His baby, his little one. I cant stand at a side and say 'Hey! It happens. You fucked my man behind my back, but hey! Lets all be friends. I'll sit over here for a mo whilst you two raise your baby.' Im getting the feeling that many mutual friends feel that this is the appropriate response, but fuck them. I'd like to see their reaction in my place. I'd like to see them try to make that work, before they make such easy judgments.

It means alot, to know that someone does understand. Understands my feelings of wanting to rescue things, wanting to be with the one I love, who has loved me. Love is a bitch. It overcomes your usual feelings, your usual reactions. In all of this, all that he's done, I remember his eyes, staring at me and filled with tears. I remember him clinging onto me, and blurting everything out, and sobbing, and pushing his head into my shoulder and just shaking. I remember talking to him, and embracing, and telling him that I had loved him, loved him so much, and him gripping me tighter in response, and sobbing that he still loved me, more than anything. I remember the smell, and the feel of him, and the happiness that we both had felt, that two strange, scruffy, freaky little misanthropes had found someone like themselves, finally someone like themselves. I remember scrabbling around the fields and hedgerows near my house, flirting and laughing and being so happy, for once so happy. And I know I have to let it go.

I feel a relationship can no longer work. But a friendship, I hope to save.
And I will not let her trap and use him, more than she has already managed to do so. I will be there. I will protect him.

Thankyou for reading through x To everyone who has read through, all the ranting and rambling and snapping and emotional outpouring. The talking, and purging, is helping, and to have at least something that does a little, means the world.


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## col (Jun 4, 2011)

This is my advice.

If the birth goes ahead, I think you should leave and move on. With any luck he and she will get together and the baby will have a family. Im not only thinking of the baby though, I'm thinking of you as well. I think a year of grief is preferable to a lifetime of torture. I think it is very unfortunate, but you should make a bold move and move on with your head high. You come accross as much better than this jeremy kyle stuff, I think you can move on and do well for yourself. You need not settle for second best.

You have your whole life ahead of you, make this a memory and not a reality.

Good luck


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