# Help with psyching myself out--leadership structure



## Makro (Mar 11, 2015)

I (ILI) am in a leadership position working as one of two subordinates under an ESE. The other subordinate is an SLI. I am considered the SLI's superior in the hierarchy, even though in this case he is older and more experienced than I am in this kind of role.

Here are my issues with this situation:


My "conflicting" relationship with the ESE. What to do? He gets closer and it gets more uncomfortable. He wants me to borrow his boat. I'm afraid I'd wreck it. He wants me to love his favorite restaurant. I can barely stand it. Etc.
The ESE's "supervisor" relationship with the SLI seems to put the SLI in a much stronger position than me. It seems like the SLI can do no wrong.
The SLI is not deferent toward me at all (as would be usual in this organization), and since joining the team has been quick in making changes to his duties and even some of mine.
I have no idea what, if anything, to prevent some kind of catastrophe with the ESE. Or at least just making him feel irritated.
When I try to be more of a feeler around the ESE, I come off as cloying and spaced-out. I hate how I sound, and I don't know if it really helps at all. I doubt it.
I'm paranoid about not being liked or even understood. The ESE leader said he really likes me, but I think he mainly appreciates my SEI wife's contributions to the organization. He seemed to notice her first, then found me through her. He always tells me how great she is. (I'm definitely not worried about him chasing after her or anything like that, for various reasons)
I made a suggestion (a person for a position in the organization) when asked and got zero feedback from the ESE, just a thoughtful look. Then he picked someone else.
The ESE really loves it when I read his mind and try to guess what he wants me to do for him. For example, he'll say, "I'll drive over to X that day and take over the function." I'll say, "oh, I can do that. I'm right next door." He'll sigh and say, "thank you. I really appreciate that" as if he expected it the whole time. However, this is very draining and I'm just doing it to prevent problems in the relationship at this point. I can't do it all the time, listen for this stuff. And when I'm not doing it, I'm wondering if I'm missing cues.
I feel like I can't use my strengths. I feel that even if I do, they will go unnoticed. Reading the Socionics relationship descriptors just makes this feeling more intense.

Recently I learned that the ESE assigned me to speak once at a public function, and the SLI to speak twice. I might be misunderstanding the reasons, but it hurt enough and caused me to stress out enough that I thought I'd seek more objective advice.

So: Any advice? Love to hear it. Thanks!


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## MisterPerfect (Nov 20, 2015)

Makro said:


> I (ILI) am in a leadership position working as one of two subordinates under an ESE. The other subordinate is an SLI. I am considered the SLI's superior in the hierarchy, even though in this case he is older and more experienced than I am in this kind of role.
> 
> Here are my issues with this situation:
> 
> ...


You can just fake it in order to make them happy.


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## Ksara (Feb 13, 2014)

Makro said:


> I (ILI) am in a leadership position working as one of two subordinates under an ESE. The other subordinate is an SLI. I am considered the SLI's superior in the hierarchy, even though in this case he is older and more experienced than I am in this kind of role.
> 
> Here are my issues with this situation:
> 
> ...


Well it is the unfortunate reality where position is not always about ability, sometimes it's simply about how much people like you.

following you list
[1] Manipulation of your language here may be useful. There is a technique where you affirm the person, and critique the object. It separates the two so the person your are talking to is less likely to see it as a personal attack.
For example: 
Affirm the person - Hey I really appreciate you sharing your favourite restaurant with me, that was considerate of you.
Critic the object - I find this type of menu is not really not my thing.

[2] Nothing you can do here. The ESE may simply like the SLI more than you. You may need to come to some form of acceptance these two people click well.

[3] Is the SLI supposed to be subordinate to you?
I would not take these changes personally if they yield results. 
If the SLI is supposed to be subordinate to you I would not allow them to change your duties. Instead asserting you will take his suggestions under advisement, and if you see benefit then implement them.
If this is getting in the way of you doing your job you may need to assert your boundaries in a respectable way. for example "Hey SLI, I know you mean well however the action x you have take impedes on my ability to do job y." (notice affirm the person, point out the object). You both do communicate with Te so i can see communication here much smoother compared with you and the ESE.

[4] Ok so you see a potential catastrophe happening. Is there anything you can do to mitigate this? If it is inevitable is there anything you can do to prepare for when it occurs?
Yes prepare or have some kind of backup plan, I would also avoid worrying about the situation until it happens. The extra stress is not going to help the situation.
What may be useful is looking into love languages. If you can identify how the ESE receives and shows their appreciation you may be able to use this to communicate good gestures to help smooth things over. 

[5] If you doubt this helps, don't attempt it. Plus there is a chance you are coming of fake, even worst if you're being interpreted as sarcastic (due to how unnatural this is for you).

[6] Accept not everyone is going to like you. There is nothing you can do about this (unless you want to become a doormat) and it is beyond your control. Let this go.
Perhaps make your wife's day by passing on the message. She may feel appreciated, and positive energy can influence more positive energy.

[7] You may be reading into this too much. 
Is it common for the ESE to have a thoughtful look when someone makes a request, and makes his decision anyway?
The other aspect, the ESE is in charge and is making decisions based on his reasons (which you may or may not agree with). It's neither right nor wrong and ultimately the decision is up to him. Ultimately it is loss if he passes up a great opportunity you have offered him.

[8] Ok I really have no advice here for your situation. This is something I personally hate. I am not good at reading cues, nor is it something I naturally look for. It's not clear direct communication and as a result I hold myself and others to the standard I will take what they say as honest. Any expectation or implied meaning gone unnoticed is not my issue unless it has been directly communicated to me.

[9] What do you get out of being in the organisation if you can not be yourself? Are their other options to better spend your time?
The other aspect, life is not always going to appreciate the talents you have. It is beyond your control, and another aspect to accept.
Reading the socionics relationship places you in a better position. You are better able to understand the conflict, why it arises, and as a result learn tolerance in areas you devalue.



Now the ESE will have their reasons for their decision. It could be he likes the SLI, or perhaps think it's fair to give the SLI a go being new, or for the SLI to prove themselves, etc.
I would look inwards to understand what has caused the hurt feelings within yourself. I apologies I can't offer more help here.


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## ALongTime (Apr 19, 2014)

Yes, conflict relations are hard, the only advice I can really give is to try to maintain a certain distance and try to focus on interests you have in common. The trouble is the more you interact the more you annoy each other, and the more you try the worse it can get. But if you keep the conversation light and focused on shared interests then it can work out. Can be difficult if he is your boss though.



Makro said:


> The ESE's "supervisor" relationship with the SLI seems to put the SLI in a much stronger position than me. It seems like the SLI can do no wrong.


That doesn't sound like a supervisor relation to me; in my experience the supervisor would be distrustful of the supervisee and pick up on all the things that he does wrong.


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