# Self-esteem and positive image of self



## Gruvian (Feb 6, 2014)

How does one build self-confidence and self-esteem? I have a terribly low self-esteem and a very shitty image of myself. I'm thinking that this has at least some impact on how I deal with relationships and work, so I decided to seek some advice. 

I've tried finding some articles on the internet about building self-esteem, but they all seem to skip the most important part (for me). How do I force myself to be confident? I can't just gain confidence out of a blue and accept compliments directed towards me, or sit in the front row and raise my hand when I know the answer to a question a teacher just asked. I've tried forcing myself, but it's not that easy. I know I always expect immediate results, and I know this is going to take longer then I expected. I need to make small steps that are slowly going to lead to big results. Yet still, I can't seem to make any steps at all! 

I think I first need to deal with my image of myself, because whenever I try to find at least a little of confidence in me, I immediately remember how badly I think of myself and I think "why would I do that? I'm not beautiful, I look horrible, I'm not intelligent, I'm shy, I can't talk to people, I'm boring and I'm annoying..." etc. and it stops me every time. 

What do you think, where do I need to work on? The problem is that I don't know where to start, so that's why I'm seeking some advice. :kitteh: I really appreciate any help you can provide.


----------



## Jonn (Mar 17, 2014)

The greatest step You'll every have to take is letting go.
The greatest trick you'll ever have is friends who like you.
The greatest hint you'll ever get is stumbling into darkness.
The greatest challenge you'll ever have is being afraid of anything.
The greatest achievement you'll ever have is finding yourself, with your friends, inside of the darkness, while you're letting go of your fear of anything.


----------



## Eggsies (Feb 5, 2013)

This should be in the debate forum :wink:

*How does one build self-confidence and self-esteem?* 
You need a foundation on which to judge yourself on. Pick something that you're good at and work from there. If you really want to get into the meat of this, you've got to recognize the qualities of your character. 

How do you see other people?
What do you think people want from you?
What are you remotely proficient at?

These questions are people focused, because you're adopting what you perceive as other peoples' expectations and opinions on you. You're basing your subjective opinion of yourself on what you think other people want from you. Everybody does this, and surely it makes sense for each individual of our species to do so as to promote cohesion. Now, we've obviously developed enough mentally to be cognizant of this, and that's where we can begin to help ourselves with these issues, the first thing you have to do is recognize why we think this way, and from there, how we can better ourselves and our understanding of ourselves.

Now ask yourself these questions:

How would you like to see other people?
What do you want to provide people?
What do you want to be good at?

*I've tried finding some articles on the internet about building self-esteem, but they all seem to skip the most important part (for me). How do I force myself to be confident? I can't just gain confidence out of a blue and accept compliments directed towards me, or sit in the front row and raise my hand when I know the answer to a question a teacher just asked. I've tried forcing myself, but it's not that easy. I know I always expect immediate results, and I know this is going to take longer then I expected.
*Well, you've already answered the question. There aren't any ways to immediately change your perception of yourself, so there aren't any guides on it. Minds take a lifetime to build, and it takes the remainder of that lifetime to shape, it always changes and always has the capability to change and grow.

I read your hand-raising dilemma as both a literal representation of your issues, and a figurative one. To put the overused line, "Just don't give a fuck." into a more eloquent and less useless form, you should ask yourself why you are so afraid of doing so? You are simply providing an answer for a question posed to the class, you are a member of the class, so, obviously there is nothing abnormal, and no reason for any sort of apprehension in such a scenario. You are also establishing your intelligence, and people admire that. You already feel that spark of inclination to raise your hand, you know the answer, you've studied, you know your shit, but there is just one barrier that stops you, and you must know that that barrier has no reason for existence. Follow that inclination, you'll be proud of yourself, as you should be. 

*I need to make small steps that are slowly going to lead to big results. Yet still, I can't seem to make any steps at all! *
You've made the first step already by starting this thread.

*I'm not beautiful* 
False. Subjective opinion, subjective definition.

*I look horrible*
False.

*I'm not intelligent*
False.

*I'm shy*
Everybody is to some degree, that is not abnormal.

*I can't talk to people*
Who says you must be the one to constantly engage in conversation? Don't let this long list of social virtues bog you down.

*I'm boring and I'm annoying*
False and unfounded. Also subjective opinion.

*and it stops me every time.* 
Ah, see what you've done here? You are instilling these virtues with a kind of sentience, the truth is that the value of these things lie within you.

First order: stop reinforcing this bullshit to yourself. That's all it is- bullshit. The moment you think of this self-deprecation, literally tell yourself to shut the fuck up. Seriously, shut the fuck up. That is your first milestone, remove the value from these negatives. You aren't truly allowing yourself, _to be yourself_, so long as you force yourself to bear this weight, so of course your judgement of yourself will be misconstrued and and unfounded, how can you possibly know who you are when you are pigeon holeing yourself?

End rebuttal.


----------



## Antipode (Jul 8, 2012)

You've actually already gotten the answer, you are just too afraid to do it. You want to be able to improve yourself while being alone; however, the treasure you seek requires other people by nature. If you were alone, your self-image wouldn't mean anything, for your self-image is influenced by those that see the image.

You do need to force yourself to accept compliments. You do need to force yourself to raise your hand. 

I once had a supreme fear of speaking in front of people--still do to some degree. It was so bad, that before giving a particular presentation to the class, my fingers grew numb, and afterward, my chest was in so much pain from all the acid that build up (from anxiety). All the articles had the same advice: just do it. It sounded like such hard advice to take, for I just wanted to find a way to take small steps. 

The problem with small steps is what you already pointed out: we want to see instant results. Small steps lead to small treasures, which become too small for us to take notice, resulting in discouragement and taking steps backwards. We set ourselves up for failure. 

Eventually, I was in a semester where I had three presentations for three classes back to back, and there was not a chance that I could back out of those, because they were large grades. I was forced to do them--I wasn't given the choice. I bombed the first; I did better on the second; and I did so well on the third, that I ended up taking over my friend's section because she got nervous. Now, while speaking still makes me nervous before hand, I know I will still do well. 

---

If you want to build your self-image, then you must build. You came here for advice, because you didn't like the original advice given to you; yet, there is a reason why you keep coming across the same words. 

---

You will always have a poor self-image, just as I will always be nervous about speaking in front of people. Just how those with genes to be overweight will always be prone to weight, and those with an alcoholic gene will be prone to alcoholism. The only way around it is to manage it by raising your hand, not by waiting until you feel ready to raise it.


----------



## Sixty Nein (Feb 13, 2011)

If your own self-esteem is shit, then it is likely that you are a piece of shit as a human being. I think that most people want to reinforce their own not-shit part of themselves but you have to accept that fact that you are likely just not a very good human being in some way or another. There is no chance that you will ever really improve yourself, because people generally tend to stay in their comfort zone until they completely go to the bottom of their own lives. So my recommendation is this. Completely wreck yourself, get yourself addicted to drugs or whatever. Then whenever you are tired of being filth, you will then cleanse yourself from the sheer fact that this position that you are in was in fact comparably good, but then you'll have the drive to improve even beyond this. Or maybe you'll just die or be homeless, whatever. Self-improvement means throwing yourself into the pit of hell, with generally poor chances of ever growing out of it. If you do not throw away smelly clothing, then you'll always smell bad even if you had showered before hand. So you'll need to reinvent yourself as a person. Do not be who you are, be someone else. Who you are as a PERSON is mediocre and thus the only way to get out of that mediocrity is to not be yourself. Who you are is unlovable, so make yourself lovable. That is what I mean here. You probably don't even have to do something drastic, but it could be a good way to get into it. So go kill yourself, however you choose to inter prate that.

I also forgot this, but make sure you compare yourself to other people OBJECTIVELY and see how they measure up to you. You'll realize that most people are generally banal and boring as hell. Would you honestly want to change yourself for them? If you find yourself to be a lesser person than them. Follow my advice. If you think you are on par or better however? Then just drink alcohol or watch games. Depression is a human thing, it grounds us. There is no shame in being depressed once in a while.


----------



## Lemxn (Aug 17, 2013)

Low self-steem was my struggle my entire life. Still is but I worked for this so many years in therapy. I went from believing I am a monster to believing I am cute and a nice person. It wasn't easy, sometimes there's day I woke up where I don't feel good for myself, because like I said, I will struggle with this all my life.

The job was internally, I didn't believe that therapy will help me out with this issue but in fact, I had a great result.

Try to no compare yourself with people, that's the worse thing you could do, try to start looking yourself at the mirror, no matter how "bad" you think you are, that's you, you can't change that, only accept it. You will always have a different perception of yourself, like everyone, but I don't think that neither your friends or random people sees you like you see yourself.

You need to accept your limits and start working from there.


----------



## aendern (Dec 28, 2013)

Fake it til you make it. Works with everything.


----------



## Morfy (Dec 3, 2013)

emberfly said:


> Fake it til you make it. Works with everything.


Not if you truly dislike yourself deep inside. Then it just makes you feel fake and sick which makes everything worse. In that case you have to go down to the roots and get therapy


----------



## aendern (Dec 28, 2013)

Gruvian said:


> How do I force myself to be confident? I can't just gain confidence out of a blue and accept compliments directed towards me, or sit in the front row and raise my hand when I know the answer to a question a teacher just asked.


???? Yes you can! wtf



> I've tried forcing myself, but it's not that easy.


If it were easy, everyone would be self-confident. (in my opinion, it is easy though)



The real problem here is that you are not motivated, and _certainly _not self-motivated.



Morfinyon said:


> Not if you truly dislike yourself deep inside. Then it just makes you feel fake and sick which makes everything worse. In that case you have to go down to the roots and get therapy


Ya it's obviously not fun _at first_, but it's totally doable regardless of your stage of self-hatred.


----------



## Euclid (Mar 20, 2014)

Don't buy into this self esteem claptrap.
http://personalitycafe.com/sex-rela...se-until-you-love-yourself-4.html#post5599242


----------



## Children Of The Bad Revolution (Oct 8, 2013)

I'd love to know this. I would love for there to be some type of pill or tablet you can take to give you instant confidence/self esteem.


----------



## Gruvian (Feb 6, 2014)

Thank you everyone so much for your messages, it's very appreciated! 

@MakuYuen I really like this, it's interesting.  Especially the ending.

@Eggsies Oops, I'm sorry! 
I perfectly understand what you're saying now, there's nothing to be afraid of if I know the answer. I doubt my answers even though I've studied, I don't let myself be ''good'' in anything. It's as if I'm purposely making myself hate me. I need answers for why I'm not allowing myself to see me as someone good, and I'll find them. Thank you very much for your message! I realize my mistakes, even though I might have everything figured out in my head, I know I need to hear those words to actually realize it. As for the ''I'm not beautiful'' & etc. I made a list where I answered questions you provided to help me and added traits I think I needed to fulfill to satisfy my image of what I should be only as a _student_, and I realized I was asking for too much. When I saw how long the list was, and for what things I was asking from myself, there's no doubt I saw myself as a failure. I expected to be inhuman. No person exists with such traits. 

I didn't even want to make a list of what I thought I needed to fulfill as a friend, or a neighbor. I treated myself worse then my worst enemy. I'm very ashamed of this. 

@Antipode I'm going to try my best, and see where I end up being. I'm very scared of people and their impressions of me, and I'm constantly worried how bad I look. And it's 99% of the time just in my head. I see you're right. I'm asking for a different method where there really isn't one, and I just gotta do it, there's no other way. It's true that I want to do this all by myself without including other people! I want to be happy with myself before interacting with others because I know it influences all my relationships deeply. 
@Sixty Nein I'm definitely following your advice, it's the most helpful one by far! 

@Morfinyon I've thought about going to the therapist or a psychologist, but I don't trust them enough and am scared of opening up. I see I need to dig down deeply in order to resolve this problem. 

@emberfly I've tried, and it worked approximately for a month, but then I just end up losing energy faking it and want to curl up in a ball and become one with the ground. I can't seem to be able to ''fake it'' long enough to ''make it'', huh?

Thanks again, I'll try my best to work this out somehow.


----------



## Purrfessor (Jul 30, 2013)

Maybe experience humiliation then realize how humiliation isn't something to be afraid of?


----------



## Sixty Nein (Feb 13, 2011)

BTW I wouldn't recommend getting hooked on drugs. Even if it's like weed now. I'm just saying that you should just do something drastic to change yourself.


----------



## Morfy (Dec 3, 2013)

Stelliferous said:


> Maybe experience humiliation then realize how humiliation isn't something to be afraid of?


That can be effective, but is hella risky. It can also make everything way worse and trigger that person. I once tried this approach because a friend talked me into it and i ended up having a panic attack :I


----------



## Lexicon Devil (Mar 14, 2014)

Just don't start pointing guns at kittens. :tongue:


----------



## Azure Bass (Sep 6, 2010)

While there's no magic pill for success there are proven systems that other people have created to help others help themselves out of the same problems and issues. That being said you are the key to solving your own problems, however, as long as you're unclear on what you have to do to help yourself it's not going to happen. This article isn't easily found in search engines but it's very helpful for self-reflection which can lead to self development, if you allow it to.

Got Confidence? 16 Questions to Find Out | SUCCESS


----------



## Purrfessor (Jul 30, 2013)

Morfinyon said:


> That can be effective, but is hella risky. It can also make everything way worse and trigger that person. I once tried this approach because a friend talked me into it and i ended up having a panic attack :I


Some sketchy doctors from the past used to do this to their clients. I think it worked but obviously inhumane.


----------



## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

I think it's boloney, judge what you do, not who you are. Would you bully someone else? Probably not. So why bully yourself? It's simple once you figure it out and move past nonsense like judging yourself.


----------



## Morfy (Dec 3, 2013)

Grandmaster Yoda said:


> I think it's boloney, judge what you do, not who you are. Would you bully someone else? Probably not. So why bully yourself? It's simple once you figure it out and move past nonsense like judging yourself.


Hmm, it's more about "judging" than "bullying" I think. You are your own best judge, which is a blessing and a curse


----------

