# Why are some people so difficult to get to know?



## wen

I'm throwing a veeery general question out there:

Why do you think some people are more difficult to get to know than others?

I guess you just don't click with everyone, but still, sometimes I get the feeling that I meet someone new, and we have lots of things in common, interests, opinions, and even so the conversation just... dies...

For me, a lot is about guarding my privacy. I'm INTJ and 9w1 for the record, if that's of any value to the discussion.

Do you think there are other common reasons? Any particular cog functions at play? Anything else?


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## King of Cynics

Could be any one of a number of reasons. There's a few which are more likely than the rest, though. Some people initially reveal less about themselves due to an unconscious defense mechanism, that is, they do not trust you enough yet and conceal a considerable amount of their true self/nature. The other is, they have perceived the person trying to 'get to know them' as someone inherently untrustworthy, as deemed as such has made the conscious decision to not give anything away to them. Then again, there could be general underlying conflicts of sentiment, and the person could just intuitively dislike you (without making that fact explicitly known) and hence not want to converse in any meaningful way.


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## devoid

I have often wondered this. I am an ENTP and am very open, honest and genuine when socializing with people. I don't hide myself very often, or at least not in ways that would prevent someone from getting to know me on a friendly level. But many people are either very distrusting or very private, and don't want people to get close to them for any less than an ideal reason.


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## zynthaxx

I think I'm pretty open for an ISTP, but only to a certain extent: There are things I don't mind talking about at all, and some things no-one outside my own brain will ever know.
I don't think this is really the problem here, though. The way to get to know a person, is if you both show a personal interest towards the other person. If one of you doesn't see the point of that, the conversation will stumble and grind to a halt sooner rather than later. There's no magic involved, it's just a matter of reciprocating engagement.


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## Pathosray

Some people like to remain an enigma.

INTP 5w6 speaking here.


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## nessaea

I think it just depends on the person. I'm an INFJ, and I am one of the "really hard to get to know" people. 

The reason, mostly, is that I let other people talk...a lot. I really like to listen, so when I meet people, I ask a lot of questions, and let them talk. What happens is that it becomes a pattern, and they tend to do most of the talking in the relationship. So, months will go by, and I will learn so much about them, and they will learn virtually nothing about it. 

Another reason, for me, is that I tend not to volunteer information about myself. I'll share personal details when asked, but I don't usually spontaneously start talking about myself. So, it takes a lot longer to get to know me.


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## zynthaxx

Pathosray said:


> Some people like to remain an enigma.
> 
> INTP 5w6 speaking here.


INTPs are, from my experience, pretty bad at remaining enigmas, though. They don't talk about themselves, and therefore they have an illusion of being secretive, but you can usually read them like a book.


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## countrygirl90

May be because those people don,t want to reveal to much about themselves ,because of reasons like introvert attitude ,not interested to indulge themselves in common crowd or because we don,t notice small details about them which could be the key to know them properly .Sometimes people are so busy with themselves ,their thinking and feelings which makes them unable to understand what others might be feeling or thinking .But if you truly want to know someone then try to keep track of things they like/dislike ,reaction towards situations and types of people ,places or things and analyze them positively .Don,t jump on conclusions or try to be judgmental about them .


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## Dauntless

I'm not comfortable speaking about myself. I can in my blogs, but with other people, I'm comfortable keeping the focus on them...and extroverts make that so easy. INFJ = empath, so if you are happy, I am.


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## hailfire

ISTP 5w4 here, and I really don't like revealing too much about myself. However, I didn't have more than some vague awareness that I was making myself a stranger to people (especially the ones I knew/have known for years) until some of them began to realize it after a long time and pointed it out to me in the past 2-3 years. Most people never have it occur to them that they really don't know very much about me. I'm even quite a stranger to my own immediate family to some extent, but they don't know it. For example, my mom spent 18 years being completely unaware of how shy I am. And my best friend of 11 years told me last year that I'm secretive (not in the complaining way, she accepts this about me) because of how long I take to tell her certain things about myself. I realized that _I_ didn't even know myself too well up until last year. Here are some reasons why I'm pretty difficult to know:

- I've got a heavily guarded personality. It's a defense mechanism that I don't let up on, however, select friends and my immediate family to some extent are let in a little more. It's just safer for only me to _really_ know me; I don't fully trust anyone asides from myself as of yet, and I have added suspicion towards those who make it a point that they want to know me and people who are very socially "out there." I noticed that I keep people off my back with my amicable nature and initial appearance of seeming extraverted (which is usually a reaction to shyness, but that's another process), then instantly flipping a switch one day and return to my quieter self for the most part. Or I remain initially silent for a long time, then gradually speak more. In either case, however, when I am speaking, people never note that the content of the material that comes out of my mouth lacks much real substance of anything pertaining to myself, and I often recycle and redecorate information
- even for those who have some hard-earned trust from me, I simply couldn't divulge very much even if I wanted to. I also simply don't _want _people to know too much about me. I'm selective about who I distribute what information to, and how much at any given time
- I'm painfully slow at trusting people and letting them in to the extent I let them. Most people give up on me much sooner than this
- my actions say more about me (even though I still mind what I'm doing) than anything that spews out of my mouth. Thing is, people don't realize this and keep a better watch on what I do, nor do they listen very much when I speak to begin with. I've always got tabs on them though
- I prefer listening and observing over speaking, and don't like speaking much of myself unless it's something relevant I don't mind sharing to make a point
- I'm not very emotionally varied externally. People never see emotions other than neutral, happiness or contentedness, mild impatience/frustration or excitement on the odd occasion. At home, most of my family has also seen me completely enraged in the past. But most of what I feel doesn't come out for others to see. Then there are the ones I don't feel...
- and if for any reason I've decided I don't like you, you're out of luck.

Well now, I think I've said more than enough XD


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## Persephone

wen said:


> I'm throwing a veeery general question out there:
> 
> Why do you think some people are more difficult to get to know than others?
> 
> I guess you just don't click with everyone, but still, sometimes I get the feeling that I meet someone new, and we have lots of things in common, interests, opinions, and even so the conversation just... dies...
> 
> For me, a lot is about guarding my privacy. I'm INTJ and 9w1 for the record, if that's of any value to the discussion.
> 
> Do you think there are other common reasons? Any particular cog functions at play? Anything else?


They don't want to be known. My INTP friend would always say: I have no idea why anyone would want to know that about me. Someone would say: Well, I just do. He would counter: That's not necessary. I think he gets a kick out of being mysterious.


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## Brian1

Small talk is hard for me. I don't know how to keep the conversation going. I like to think I talk through my art. I'm better at opinions on politics,philosophy, sports,in the sports field I'm more of a poker enthusiast, but since RGIII, that pulled me back into the traditional football. I think people who are dominantly concerned about the welfare of others, will be put off by me because I don't wear concern on my sleeve. It's only when you spend time with me, that you'll pick up that I listen and care. I'm very compartmentalized.



Edit: I was brought up on the Washington Redskins. They would beat the other team 42 to 0, when Joe Gibbs coached them. After the classic line up broke up after 1992, that's when a long suffering spell happened. Dan Synder is a moron.


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## wen

I just don't think that just because someone doesn't share a lot about him/herself don't necessarily mean they don't trust you/don't like you/whatever.

I think that a lot of times it might be the reason, but then I also have friends who I like well, and they seem to like me well enough too since they search me out in a group of people, prefer to hang around me during breaks between lectures etc. even though they're really difficult to make conversation with. I don't think that being crap at small talk is a bad thing, really, I just find it frustrating since I like whatever little I'm allowed to see, and I want to get to know them better, but they don't let me in.


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## Delilah

I think its a safety control game. As an INFJ i've thought about this a lot. I hate exposing myself completely and it's due to fear. Which, kinda sucks because infjs (and intjs alike!) desire to be understood so much! 

I think we observe so we can choose who is safe for us to interact with before they choose us. Opening up would mean giving people direct access to our emotional control panels, and this scares us due to negative past experiences with trust, rejection, hurt, etc =)


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## Devalight

I am very guarded and a private person.
It is hard for me to do small talk - mostly I just don't really know what to say after "How are you?" or "what about this weather we are having," and then it seems so forced and artificial. If I can meet someone at a club where I know we share a common interest then that helps. 

It is very seldom that people approach me. They probably pick up on the guarded and private thing and maybe think it isn't worth the effort or something.

I think people are very intereresting and that is one reason I am on this site, but it is more in the abstract. One on one meetings can work sometimes. On rare occasions I will meet someone who I immediately feel comfortable with. I must pick up a lot of subconscious clues in most cases that warn me off. I am very empathic as well, and I know that I pick up moods really fast.


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## Aeloria

I come off as difficult to get to know because I'm shy. It has nothing to do with caution, distrust, desire to be enigmatic, indifference, or disinterest in my case. It's just that involuntary primal impulse that makes me feel queasy and erases everything in my brain when someone starts talking to me. I definitely want to be known, and I'm not selective about who I want to know me; I'm just really shy. It's a feeling akin to stage fright, but stronger because it's more personal.


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## Dark NiTe

King of Cynics said:


> Could be any one of a number of reasons. There's a few which are more likely than the rest, though. Some people initially reveal less about themselves due to an unconscious defense mechanism, that is, they do not trust you enough yet and conceal a considerable amount of their true self/nature. The other is, they have perceived the person trying to 'get to know them' as someone inherently untrustworthy, as deemed as such has made the conscious decision to not give anything away to them. Then again, there could be general underlying conflicts of sentiment, and the person could just intuitively dislike you (without making that fact explicitly known) and hence not want to converse in any meaningful way.


Exactly what I came in here to post. I don't open up to ANYBODY quickly, and there are still others I have a keen sense of mistrust for at the very second I first see them. The latter is usually the type that takes it personally and gets vindictive about not being given the time of day, so it seems to be pretty accurate :happy:


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## Fleetfoot

I'm open enough for most people to be satisfied. As an ESTP people assume I'm an open book. However there's a lot that even my family and closest friends don't know about me, because I see knowledge as power. The more knowledge people are aware of me, I fear the more power and influence they have over me to make me do something for them.


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## OrangeAppled

People have told me I am hard to get to know. I take time to warm up... I don't know why. And I never warm up with some people... 

I have encountered someone who I think would like to know me better & whom I might like to know better, because we do have some inkling that we have stuff in common, but for some reason neither of us is able to open up & really be ourselves. Sometimes I will witness them with others and find them likable/interesting, but we can't manage the same dynamic between us. I don't know what that's all about.... The mystery of "cliquing" and "not cliquing" eludes me still.


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## Ellis Bell

Aeloria said:


> I come off as difficult to get to know because I'm shy. It has nothing to do with caution, distrust, desire to be enigmatic, indifference, or disinterest in my case. It's just that involuntary primal impulse that makes me feel queasy and erases everything in my brain when someone starts talking to me. I definitely want to be known, and I'm not selective about who I want to know me; I'm just really shy. It's a feeling akin to stage fright, but stronger because it's more personal.


Same here. People say that I'm hard to read, also "hard to know what you're thinking" is something I have said about me a lot. It's not that i'm trying to be secretive, but I just freeze when I'm in the moment talking to someone. So that even if I have something to say about myself, i usually if not always withhold it.


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## Velasquez

I always ensure to the greatest extent that I am as difficult to get to know as possible. I have no idea why I do it though, it obviously just doesn't make sense. So to answer your question, I suppose some people are difficult to get to know because they are consciously witholding a part of themselves from you. Reasons why they _might _do that include fear of being judged, or they might feel so uninteresting that making themselves seem mysterious makes them more interesting than they suspect they would be if they were just open about everything. I really don't know.

Edit: Actually, sometimes I just don't tell a person anything about myself because I find them so boring to talk to that I try to make myself seem as boring as possible so that they'll leave me alone. It's just like...there are only so many hours in the day, and that time for me would be better spent by myself with my imagination rather than listening to you talk about your job or whatever. So sometimes people are withdrawn more out of arrogance than they are out of fear.


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## bluekitdon

I generally just run out of things to say. Maybe because I prefer to listen if I don't feel I have anything important to say, and then get bored.


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## yankeemofo

Personally, I just am not interested in people. I view the general populace as untrustworthy on a good day.

I've been trying my best lately to let go of my suspicion of people and be more outgoing and accessible, being as my job requires it. It's tough sledding for a massive introvert like me.


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## Hikikomori

I'm reluctant to allow too many people to be able to claim they know me because I'm incredibly selective of who I let into my internal world.


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## Playful Proxy

Depends on the person. If I think the person is boring and we have nothing in common, I tend to not open up all that much. The more we have in common that relates to other things, those linkages are things I will also tend to bring to the table. For me, I require good conversation to share and if you can't provide it, I'm not giving you shit.


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## LadyO.W.BernieBro

For me it's that l'm always changing. l don't have one idea of my "self" that l'm nursing, so it's hard to let other people hang onto something like that.

That said, l don't have much of a wall. l easily open up around new friends and people l like, if it doesn't seem consistent it's because sometimes my interests or ideas have changed and l won't feel like l have much in common with them. But l can make it last with a select few.


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## DemonAbyss10

Why talk about something not worth talking? Why even talk about something inherently not worth talking about? Why feign interest when it can be an exhausting chore to do? Just some good things to think about in regards who trying to figure out an answer to the OP (who really makes it come across as 'if your aren't going to be completely open and naively trusting from the begining, then something is wrong with you.' perhaps maybe, just maybe people just demand to much when it comes to communication? Needlessly too much.


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## Immerseyourself

I'm usually disinterested in getting to know others, and them knowing me. I'm usually stuck in my own world, and unless they bring some value to my world, then I'm prone to just move on.


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## Nucky

I am very difficult to get to know myself. The reason for that is very simple: I'm just about the biggest loser imaginable. I haven't had anything remotely resembling success in my life, so I don't have anything to talk about careerwise. I've never been able to make much of a life for myself either, and I'm still living with my parents at 37.


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## wen

DemonAbyss10 said:


> Why talk about something not worth talking? Why even talk about something inherently not worth talking about? Why feign interest when it can be an exhausting chore to do? Just some good things to think about in regards who trying to figure out an answer to the OP (*who really makes it come across* as 'if your aren't going to be completely open and naively trusting from the begining, then something is wrong with you.' perhaps maybe, just maybe people just demand to much when it comes to communication? Needlessly too much.


Uh, wow. How did I ever give you that idea? Let me quote myself:



wen said:


> I don't think that being crap at small talk is a bad thing, really, I just find it frustrating since I like whatever little I'm allowed to see, and I want to get to know them better, but they don't let me in.


I.e. being closed off is not a bad thing, but it's frustrating for me who wants to get to know you better. Take that as a compliment to the person who I'm trying to get to know. I don't try to "figure out" every closed off person I find. Obviously if I weren't interested I wouldn't bother.

Hey, I'm pretty closed off too. I didn't share that from the start because I'm, you know, _closed off_.

Oh wait, I did say that. In the first post even. I'll repeat it for you: for me it's a lot about guarding my privacy. And no, I don't think there's something wrong with people who aren't open and naively trusting from the beginning, because in that case I'd have serious self-esteem issues. 

The whole thread was just about discussing the reasons behind why some people are so difficult to get to know. My contribution was that I'm a very private person, others have said other things like that they are uninterested in the person they're talking to (pretty much one of the things you said too, right?), others are shy, some would rather listen than talk... etcetera. There are probably as many reasons as there are people out there.

I think you misunderstood me completely if you think I wanted to criticize people who aren't constantly talking. That's really not what I said, at all.


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## EmpireConquered

wen said:


> I'm throwing a veeery general question out there:
> 
> Why do you think some people are more difficult to get to know than others?
> 
> I guess you just don't click with everyone, but still, sometimes I get the feeling that I meet someone new, and we have lots of things in common, interests, opinions, and even so the conversation just... dies...
> 
> For me, a lot is about guarding my privacy. I'm INTJ and 9w1 for the record, if that's of any value to the discussion.
> 
> Do you think there are other common reasons? Any particular cog functions at play? Anything else?


Because most people have trust issues.


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## MonogamyIsNice

I'm an INFJ, and other than having a little social anxiety - a matter I conceive of as being rather contextless - I really cannot relate to all of the fear-laden and inspired behaviors of anonymity or distance being expressed in this thread. But then, I am very atypically secure in myself. Most of these responses readily translate to me as "I'm insecure".


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## brittauzenne

wen said:


> I'm throwing a veeery general question out there:
> 
> Why do you think some people are more difficult to get to know than others?
> 
> I guess you just don't click with everyone, but still, sometimes I get the feeling that I meet someone new, and we have lots of things in common, interests, opinions, and even so the conversation just... dies...
> 
> For me, a lot is about guarding my privacy. I'm INTJ and 9w1 for the record, if that's of any value to the discussion.
> 
> Do you think there are other common reasons? Any particular cog functions at play? Anything else?


Ohh this happened to me kind of recently. I dont really have problems with building relationships, but I met this guy at a bar. I was bored and wanted to make a friend while I was there, and he was the type of person that I think you're talking about. Im really good at getting to the bottom of things, but I could tell that he was just complicated, he'd always say "idk" after everything and it was just weird so it made him seem distant, but it didnt stop me from learning things about him. but i have no idea why this guy was acting like that but i assure you i won't be seeing him again because he did seem complicated for no good reason. he might've been a sociopath, idk. but in general, i don't think people are that hard to get to know, if anything it would be you making things harder than they need to be. what's hard? asking questions? not really. if you don't want to talk to a person, dont do so. or maybe youre just picky about the type of people that you like talking to. if thats the case, find the people that you like. go where they would be, but dont be around weirdos and then complain that they're hard to get to know lol. but i would say that certain kinds of weird people can be hard to get to know. oh i have so much to say about this. but yeah. weirdness and awkwardness can be a barrier. but in social situations, you get what you give. be open, and you get it back, typically.


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## Sun Lips

I'm very, very careful about who gets to "know" me. It is both a subconscious defense mechanism and a conscious choice.

There are various reasons for this, and I'm sure I can't identify them all. For starters, I'll be the jaded one and say that I've just been betrayed by too many people. I am a very private person and it feels like a personal assault when I find out that someone has revealed one of my secrets, or discussed sensitive things (regarding me) with other people. One too many times, I have let someone in only to find that their motives were impure and that I was being used or manipulated. I will not have it happen again, if I can help it. Unfortunately, this entails being very wary of people until they have proven themselves trustworthy.

I also really dislike small talk and casual conversation. I can deal with it, but I avoid it when I can. When I'm around new people, unless I feel an instant connection and really hit it off with someone, I'm unlikely to tell them much about myself. I'm not cold, and conversely I love to hear about other people. It's not uncommon for me to know a whole lot about a person, and for them to know very little about me. I prefer it that way. It may be an issue of control, I'm not really sure.

Either way.. The answer is going to be different for everyone, but personally, I think I am difficult to get to know because I don't have any real interest in being known. At least not until I really like someone. Then I'll tell them anything - and therein lies the problem, if I have misjudged their honesty. It's an unfortunate cycle.


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## GuN

I'd say being schizophrenic or on the schizophrenia spectrum definitely plays a role in some people. I've noticed in myself the combination of avolition, asocialty and paranoia are the biggest reasons I don't tend to come out of my shell very often.


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## Amore

Usually people who "get to know me" turns out to be good and close friends. I'm not going to waste my time sharing my life to someone who won't invest in me. Small talk kills me though. INFJ here.


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