# I can't connect with people



## voncloft (Aug 19, 2014)

Me: 28 years old and male

I understand the point of Male and Female relationships logically Male + Female = children, creates family blood line, etc......., I see it all the time in tv shows, the entire basis of the show is families - yes I know they are actors and unrelated, it's fantasy at best only lasting a half hour to pass the time awy, but they are family portrails on the ultimate goal - and believe me I would love nothing more than to be 30, married, and have 2-3 kids and have my "own sitcom" of life personally.

I however cannot put myself out there - I see these families on tv shows and laugh wishing I was the father figure (most particular is modern family - I wish I was Phil) - in real life terms I wish I could just skip right to the "family" part of life - I think I would be a good dad - and skip dating all together and have the asset of a family. Sadly however I know I have to date to find that woman to be my wife. 

My dilemma:
My social skills SUUUUUUCK!!! (I am surprised I have any friends at all - (I have 2 good ones - both guys))- they do I cannot emphasize that enough, don't get me wrong I have no problem talking to women - I can flat out ask a woman (and have) want to go out on a date - 
Recently with one of my female friends on a bench debating the topic:
Me: sees a 3rd party woman walking by us, I ask "Want to go out some time"
Her: No
Me: See I'm fine! (talking to my friend on the bench)

So - I have no problem talking to women, my job as a whole is about 70% women - I have no problem interracting with them, I don't fear them per se, I do whoever fear "selling my best self" to them aka "my best foot forward of qualities towards them" I just don't see a point in seperating myself from the other guys in this world - I have the same fate as them...I DIE!!! just like them 'woo way to be seperate and give myself confidence and pride *slow clap*' - I am a computer nerd, sure I am not "the muscle juck jug head that goes (inserts dumb ass dialect here) 'yo look at my pecs yo!!'" I'm not disgustingly fat either - I'm in the 'middle' just average - I however can do some incredible things with computers, but no girl gets "intrigued" by the fact I as a person can create my own "google" on my lan (I created my own search engine to index my files so I don't have to spend countless hours 'where did I put that file') or I am able to broadcast my antenna onto multiple clients ("one antenna can be tuned into on multiple tv's") - and there is more!!

Sure I think what I did was awesome (yeah I can watch tv in my living room and bedroom with only one antenna:hahahahahahaaa , Fox on the living room tv and CBS in the living room at the same time) however I just find it hard to connect with not only women but people in general.

So my question is: how do I "connect" and find a common ground with people - more specifically you ladies - I am not looking for sex, (I got laid already, didn't care for it all that much: it was literally 'oh this is what if feels like - it feels like I might...uh oh *ends the deed*' and frankly am flabbergasted at the fact 'men' fight for this every night of the week and make it a life long goal)

I promise I will check out the responses the best I can - but "life" does have a way of rearing its ugly head here - so if I stop responding it is for a few reasons: 

for those of you that say "I quit reading x amount of months in here - its either due to the fact it worked out....

OR other people have hijacked this thread and made it a sub thread to themselves (you know your experience sounds like mine - other people chime in 'you don't say', 4 threads down 'forget this guys original question for help lets talk amongst our selves' 

OR come on who reads a response 3 months later!!"


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## TechFreak (Sep 15, 2016)

To be honest this is a tricky one and that is primarily down to the fact it can not be portrayed through text alone. Furthermore to me it appears you maybe over analysing and trying to adjust your response accordingly. 

If that is the case, just simply listen to them and converse normally. Such as relating to the topic at hand as opposed to going off of on a complete tangent. 

Unfortunately it's extremely difficult to define the parameters of "normality" when it's incredibly subjective.

My advise to you is just, listen and the rest will follow.


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## zchathaml (Aug 29, 2016)

> How do I "connect" and find a common ground with people - more specifically you ladies - I am not looking for sex


What @TechFreak said, "listen to them and converse normally"; treat them like any other person. 
How do you usually "connect" + find common ground with people? 
Why wouldn't it work with women, is there a need to change how you usually behave yourself? 



> My dilemma:
> My social skills SUUUUUUCK!!!


Why, what, and how? 
-Why does it "suck"? Can it not appeal to _someone_ in the world? Etc.
-What are you doing that it "sucks"'? Etc.
-How does it "suck"? Does it make people feel ____ or ____? Is it the way it is executed, or the way it's perceived? Etc.

With the limited information, what I can do is think of suggesting: read _How to Win Friends and Influence People_.


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## voncloft (Aug 19, 2014)

Megalodonite said:


> What @TechFreak said, "listen to them and converse normally"; treat them like any other person.
> How do you usually "connect" + find common ground with people?
> Why wouldn't it work with women, is there a need to change how you usually behave yourself?
> 
> ...


By sucking I mean: "I got my tv tuner to work by activating the option in the linux kernel...blah blah blah"
Her: "oh .... thats nice"


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## zchathaml (Aug 29, 2016)

voncloft said:


> By sucking I mean: "I got my tv tuner to work by activating the option in the linux kernel...blah blah blah"
> Her: "oh .... thats nice"


I personally find no fault with that interaction because it would interest me; I care about what you have to say+am curious, whereas someone else could possibly find it dull, or even without anything else to say (as per the girl in your example). 
I don't think it's an indicator of your social skills...or maybe, you are unaware of the other person's interest? I don't know. 

It's dependent on the girls you're around, then? Both partners in a conversation need to put in effort, or at least try to find a motivation why they would continue the conversation.


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## daydr3am (Oct 20, 2010)

I am experiencing similar issues and I'm hoping others' advice can help me as well.

I do temporarily connect with other people by engaging my Fe, but this only lasts for a few minutes, usually.


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## HGy (Jul 3, 2016)

Hi, I want to give you some insight from a woman's perspective. 

#1. Do *not* try to sell yourself to a potential romantic partner. This is always a mistake and romantic relationships don't work that way (unless you're a gorilla lol). When guys attempt to "sell themself" it creates 2 problems: the first is that it makes you seem too eager, the second is that it creates an opportunity for you to be dishonest or stretch the truth about who you really are to potential partners. 

#2. There are plenty of women who will like you for who you are and don't care very much about what you do for a living. They are dating YOU, not your job or hobbies.

#3. Ask your friends to set you up on a date

#4. Start going to the gym. Having an average looking physique isn't going to make the chance of you attracting a partner any better so start going to the gym. 

#5. DO NOT ASK RANDOM WOMEN OUT lol. This only works if you are extremely hot. I get hit on by guys all the time at work, at the gas station, random places and only 3 times did I actually ever end up giving out my number. It's because I struck up a convo with them, I liked their personality, and they were extremely attractive. 

A better way to go about asking out women would be to start going to social events and meet ups and build friendships with people. Then casually ask a girl to join you and some of your friends to the movies or out to dinner or whatever. That way it's non threatning. And if she says no it won't make you feel bad.


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## voncloft (Aug 19, 2014)

HGy said:


> Hi, I want to give you some insight from a woman's perspective.
> 
> #1. Do *not* try to sell yourself to a potential romantic partner. This is always a mistake and romantic relationships don't work that way (unless you're a gorilla lol). When guys attempt to "sell themself" it creates 2 problems: the first is that it makes you seem too eager, the second is that it creates an opportunity for you to be dishonest or stretch the truth about who you really are to potential partners.
> 
> ...


#1 I never 'fake' who I am - why lie - I guess I should reword it to "I hate flirting to manipulate into liking me"
#2 Haaa...wish I knew where to find them
#3 My friends relationships suck!! - One got divorced and knows very few women...my other friend is very much a 'playboy'
#4 I have a treadmill in my apartment that I occasionally use - when I can't see my feet I will use it more willingly
#5 I am not asking out "random women" per se but I will talk to them randomly lets say at the check out line with them behind me just to learn HOW to talk to women and how their minds work (sounds mean...but practice makes perfect)

I wish I knew where the "social meetups were" if their were linux meetups I would go to them - but I am afraid not too many women would go to those meetings.

Thanks for your input


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## TechFreak (Sep 15, 2016)

voncloft said:


> By sucking I mean: "I got my tv tuner to work by activating the option in the linux kernel...blah blah blah"
> Her: "oh .... thats nice"


That's what I meant by going off tangent :wink:

Ask about them and listen.


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## voncloft (Aug 19, 2014)

TechFreak said:


> That's what I meant by going off tangent :wink:
> 
> Ask about them and listen.


Its what comes natural to me, my realm of conversation is technical - I was having a conversation with a girl (years ago we are no longer freinds matter of fact we are mortal enemies no 'fixing' that bridge - either one of us could die and our reaction would be the same I can bet beyond a reasonable doubt being: "eh") talking about some rapper and I asked "whos she?" turns out it was a dude.....

How am I supposed to know? I don't listen to rap.

Point being I am "weird" and out of touch with the world I live in.

I get up, I go to work, I come home, watch tv, and go to bed - outside of that I don't know much about my culture except when I drive to work I listen to the radio about politics, music and as for tv I watch "the hit shows" such as big bang theory, or other "in the now" shows.

as for (not to be sexist) it seems women LOOOOVE gossip: which I have no interest for so I tend to strike out there - because frankly I don't care that Jimmy did this when Jane was up set....bla bla bla...so again "common ground sucks! with me"


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## voncloft (Aug 19, 2014)

BED TIME!!! will check post after I come home from work tomorrow - not abandoning the post - please keep the posts coming!!!


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## TechFreak (Sep 15, 2016)

voncloft said:


> Its what comes natural to me, my realm of conversation is technical


I hear you and I can relate.



voncloft said:


> Point being I am "weird" and out of touch with the world I live in.


:wink: Look around you, we're all weird. 



voncloft said:


> I get up, I go to work, I come home, watch tv, and go to bed - outside of that I don't know much about my culture


Groundhog day :laughing: (starring Bill Murray.)




voncloft said:


> as for (not to be sexist) it seems women LOOOOVE gossip:


Some do and some don't.



voncloft said:


> which I have no interest for so I tend to strike out there - because frankly I don't care that Jimmy did this when Jane was up set....bla bla bla...so again "common ground sucks! with me"


I figured as much, which is why I said *listen*. *participate*. 

Gently nudge the conversation to something like a movie you watched if it bores you. Out of your example, that reminds me of a friends episode were Joey and Ross end up dating the same lady thus end up tripping out each other. Since you watch the big bang theory, I'm sure you can relate some of that to the "gossip". 

Lastly, ask about what movies they like, something off beat like whose their favourite martial artist, what they do in their spare time etc - open ended questions.

Most importantly of all keep your voice warm, open body language, smile and engage them in conversation (best example talk them as you would do with your friends). However if you do swear in the company of friends, keep that to a Zero.:laughing:


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## ninjahitsawall (Feb 1, 2013)

I can relate to some of this. I can connect with people superficially, but that often doesn't sustain itself because I get bored. It's kinda like getting a quick drug hit and then it wears off. :/ Occasionally the other person(s) will be more interested than I am, which is actually something I worry about sometimes because I don't want to get forced into interacting with them or having to reject their friendship. 

It's much more challenging to connect with people beyond a superficial level, and I think that's just the reality of it. Some people are just more okay with that reality and I think when you get the sense you "can't connect", you're one of those people that needs something more than superficiality to actually "feel" connected. In that sense, it's all pretty subjective what connecting actually means. 

Maybe you're just not interested in the people around you. I've found enough variation in locality that that's a big factor for me. I'm not naturally good at appearing open and welcoming so I tend to connect better if others around me are better at that (initially). I think I seem more warm and open etc. after the fact. That's just how I am. You might want to try to connect with people online, and see if that's different from real life. That could tell you something. Also, I don't know where you live, but there are a lot of tech meetups on meetups.com. It also seems like there are more women in tech than we're led to believe. I do some remote IT work on the side, and there are women that graduated from places like Georgia Tech. So they are more knowledgeable of that stuff than I am because it's not really my main area of interest.


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## GentleLions (Aug 20, 2016)

There are women out there who like tech talk, tool talk, car talk, ect. They don't naturally fit in with the majority of women talking about popular famous people, clothes fashions or shoes; however, they may have learned how to appear like they fit. They will be more quiet in conversations about above said superficial subjects. Watch their "body language" as they will tend to start shuffling, start looking off at other things going around and if IxTx possibly just walk off. This is where you will need to bring your observation skills out to watch and listen. (Example: You are in an electronics store and hear a lady ask foe exactly what she needs with confidence. You notice a lady's eyes light up when an electronic or computer geek subject comes up.) 


From what I understand thinkers may not "connect" like feelers. I don't know IStJ as well as some other types. I think my dad is ISTJ and social skills have been a life long learning process for him. One on one he can be very engaged in conversation when it interest him. In fact, he can be tenacious in conversation on a subject he is passionate about. For me (an NFP) I really started feeling loved by my dad when I realized he accepted and loved me for me. (I don't fit as the typical female nor the tomboy mechanic.) 

A question for you - Are you connected with yourself (including your feelings) and accept yourself?


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## voncloft (Aug 19, 2014)

GentleLions said:


> A question for you - Are you connected with yourself (including your feelings) and accept yourself?


Yes and no, I hate when I experience warm, happy, "good" feelings - on the other hand when I challenge myself and figure something out all on my own (for example I wrote my own "search engine" to keep track of files on my internal network, or when I got my tv tuner card (that was very brand new at the time - and linux would not recognize it out of the box - I got it working)) I felt very proud of myself and admit 'had a god complex' for a little bit, before reality struck me down again of - "Ok need to go to bed you have work tomorrow"

So the reason I pretty much hate 'good emotions' is I act irrational - stupid at times, and they come crashing down hard like being hit with a ton of bricks.

So do I accept myself - to an extent I do have flaws that everyone says I am too hard on myself on, I over analyze everything - (sometimes to a hypochondriac extent, or the worse case scenario when I hear "we need to talk") and I am beginning to think I hate all emotion.

I laugh at really innapropriate times - when I feel a very sad experience coming on like someone close to me has gotten sick or is dying/dead - I will reach a 'low' of "Okay too much sadness LAUGH!!! DAMMIT!!!" - and I have, at other times I get "too happy" and I give myself a reality check not to let it go to my head and get "stupidly high - (not meaning drugs - f*ck that lol)

So if anything I like to be somewhere in the middle - I guess melancholy is a good word for it or mellow - however when I reach that state of mind people say I look angry with my "default face". So when I try to act cheerful they say I am scaring them, or think I am on drugs - so I really just can't win 

:-/


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## GentleLions (Aug 20, 2016)

voncloft said:


> Yes and no, I hate when I experience warm, happy, "good" feelings - on the other hand when I challenge myself and figure something out all on my own (for example I wrote my own "search engine" to keep track of files on my internal network, or when I got my tv tuner card (that was very brand new at the time - and linux would not recognize it out of the box - I got it working)) I felt very proud of myself and admit 'had a god complex' for a little bit, before reality struck me down again of - "Ok need to go to bed you have work tomorrow"
> 
> So the reason I pretty much hate 'good emotions' is I act irrational - stupid at times, and they come crashing down hard like being hit with a ton of bricks.
> 
> ...


I like the word mellow. My daughter has a "resting B**** face" . I say don't worry about what others think. If its someone who matters and they ask if you are on drugs just tell them you are trying "cheerful" out and walk away. It can be fun to jack around with their minds and eventually they usually adjust to the new dimension of you. Developing the ability to experience positive emotions with self control takes time, but for me has been worth it. I am the baby of my family and an empath with ESFJ & I (E)STJ parents, _NFJ sister & ISTP brother. It took me a while to form my own identity. As a child I went through some really difficult times so I shut my emotions down as a survival mechanism. Being an empath I still felt emotions, but the emotions of others. It was rough reconnecting to my emotions. During that time I even wondered if I was Bi-polar, no PTSD yes. I am in a good place and its been worth it. I am reconnecting with some, connecting at a deeper level and connecting with new people. I hope you get to a place you are content in your life.


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## Eren Jaegerbomb (Nov 13, 2015)

voncloft said:


> By sucking I mean: "I got my tv tuner to work by activating the option in the linux kernel...blah blah blah"
> Her: "oh .... thats nice"


You're talking with the wrong kinds of girls maybe. I know this is a huge generalisation, but I personally tend to steer clear of bars, club, parties (assuming that's where you're trying to pick girls up/where most people say they met their significant other) because most people that go there have certain personalities, and I don't want a boyfriend of those types of personalities. Basically, the loud, look at my muscles type, likes drinking etc. (Not meaning to offend anyone!) Of course all types of people go to these places, but you get what I'm saying.
I know its really hard and annoying when people say, look elsewhere such as a library. But maybe think of a 'nerdy' place and talk to a girl there?

(At least you have the guts to go up to someone... I couldn't do that, I'm way to shy. I'm also being a bit of a hypocrite I suppose because I don't really try things myself but like giving others 'advice').

Sorry that I can't help much... :/


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## Eren Jaegerbomb (Nov 13, 2015)

voncloft said:


> Yes and no, I hate when I experience warm, happy, "good" feelings - on the other hand when I challenge myself and figure something out all on my own (for example I wrote my own "search engine" to keep track of files on my internal network, or when I got my tv tuner card (that was very brand new at the time - and linux would not recognize it out of the box - I got it working)) I felt very proud of myself and admit 'had a god complex' for a little bit, before reality struck me down again of - "Ok need to go to bed you have work tomorrow"
> 
> So the reason I pretty much hate 'good emotions' is I act irrational - stupid at times, and they come crashing down hard like being hit with a ton of bricks.
> 
> ...



That part about the angry face is relatable.
People tell me all the time to smile and it really gets on my nerves. My natural face is just a melancholic look, if that's the way my face looks, then that's my fucking face! And I'm not putting on some fake smile for no one, because... Just no. Don't people realise no one walks around smiling 24/7? When someone does, its creepy.

(Oh, sorrynotsorry for my double post admins. No, I really don't care, why is it such a big deal anyway?)


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