# Why am I still hurting?



## Liontiger (Jun 2, 2009)

It’s been about two months since broke up with this girl I was sort of involved with. Here’s how it went (in detail, sorry): 

We were purely friends for two weeks, though I knew I liked her the entire time. We ended up hooking up, and I stayed over her place four nights in a row. The next day, she texted me saying that she hadn’t been looking for anything more than friendship. Naturally, I was crushed, and I guess you could say we “broke up.” That lasted maybe 24 hours. I facebook messaged her saying that I didn’t like the tension that had resulted from the ordeal and that I wanted to be friends. She agreed, saying that she hadn’t meant to hurt me or make an enemy out of me. We had a face-to-face talk about it (a rarity), and she told me that while she did have feelings for me, she wasn’t looking for anything long-term. It was clear that I was, so she broke it off. So, we went back to being friends.

About a week of being “friends” went by, in which we texted each other every day and continued get closer. I noticed she was running hot and cold, but I decided to ignore it. One night, she stayed over my place, and we hooked up in the morning. It was different than it had been before, though. It didn’t feel like some sweaty teenage hookup. It was sweet and lighthearted, and we cuddled after. I barely heard from her at all after that morning. I texted her every night like I always did, but I either got brief answers or none at all. Also, she blocked me on facebook. I stopped texting her, and a few days later she texted me, “I’m sorry.” I tried to have the ‘talk’ with her in person, but she managed to weasel her way into having it through text. She first tried to break it off on the grounds that she was a horrible person that couldn't be trusted, which wasn't good enough for me. After some teeth-pulling and stubbornness on my part, she finally admitted to being crazy about some girl back home. I felt a shocked kind of hurt, but I went out of my way to make her not feel bad about hurting me. I reassured her that I understood what she was going through, and that I didn’t hold it against her. She apologized profusely while, again, calling herself a bad person. Not that it helped. Things basically ended there.

My current situation has been extremely painful for me. I haven’t spoken a word to her since. I couldn’t look at her for the first few days, and I always made a point to avoid her. However, it’s hard in a small school. At one point, I decided to ease the tension by saying hi to her the next time I saw her. My opportunity came when she walked past me on her way to class. I went to make eye contact, but she completely ignored me and looked the other way. It hurt. Now, I make a point to always avoid her. When I am forced to be within five feet of her, I get really anxious and try to escape as quickly as possible. I sometimes lose my appetite when I see her, which is unfortunate because I always see her at dinner.

However, my mental life doesn’t line up with my real life. I still picture her in my arms at night. I think of her when I listen to love songs. I imagine sharing my experiences with her, spending time with her, watching her laugh at my jokes. My eyes seek her out when I go to the dining hall, and I glance over at her repeatedly. It’s borderline obsessive, and certainly not healthy.

What we had wasn’t even real, in a sense. There is no reason for me to be feeling so strongly for someone who was in my life for such a short time. I realize that I idealized her, that I created a perfect image in my mind and fell in “love” with it. But if I can recognize all of this, why can’t I overcome it? I’ve written poetry-esque journals about it, cried over it, pondered my feelings, expressed myself creatively, but I still can’t seem to make my feelings go away. I know you’re not supposed to just “get rid of them,” but I can’t deal with them staying there forever. Putting my feelings on the back burner and letting them sit there didn’t do me any good. They just bubbled over more intensely than ever. They also get worse when I’m alone and have no one to distract me from them. I’m trying to proactively work towards getting over it, but I don’t know how. 

Can someone give me some advice on the matter?


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## Linesky (Dec 10, 2008)

Liontiger said:


> which is unfortunate because I always see her at dinner.


:crazy:

...

Maybe, in a way, you don't WANT to get over here. I think you need to decide for yourself that it's your time to slowly get rid of her on such an intense emotional level. It takes time, but once you have found a new place for her in your heart, and put what's past in your own emotional past, you should be fine. It doesn't happen from one day to the other but if you'll be attentive to your condition while focusing on new things you'll manage. At least that's what I think of it after having some experience of my own regarding past lovers. It helps to look at yourself from the side and make independent decisions.
Also I'm really sorry it had to end that way but if she's not over somebody else yet then it's not worthy for you to even consider her as an equal romantic partner now. You might be able to become friends later (given you don't hate each other - on the contrary) but first you need to focus on yourself and getting through that emotional period 'on your own'.

Hope this could help a bit.


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## Liontiger (Jun 2, 2009)

skyline said:


> :crazy:
> 
> ...


I'm glad you find my pain amusing :laughing:



> Maybe, in a way, you don't WANT to get over here.


Yeah, basically :sad:


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## Linesky (Dec 10, 2008)

Liontiger said:


> I'm glad you find my pain amusing :laughing:
> 
> 
> 
> Yeah, basically :sad:


- Aw, I don't. (Haha "rawr pain"!) But that was a funny remark kinda thrown in between. =)
- Does that mean you're one step closer to figuring it all out? That's good.


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## decided (May 17, 2009)

I sometimes get bored and spend time reading random articles on Wikipedia. I remember one time coming across the article for Love Sickness ((http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love_sickness)). I remember finding it particularly interesting that the particular group of symptoms isn’t something that is taken seriously by psychiatry, since love as a mental state can really make people do wacky things.*

I know it’s just wikipedia, but since you’re a T-type I thought you might appreciate having something kind of objective to explain what’s going on. It's normal for people to go through these weird obsessive phases when they've fallen for someone.

Unfortuantely it doesn't all just disappear with reasoned, logical arguments. :sad:
But don’t despair, it won’t last forever. :happy:

I was thinking about all the things I could say here, and then remembered that I wrote a similar post to Ninja once. Here is part of that message:

I do not have a cure. But here are a few suggestions to help you cope until the feelings subside:
1. Congratulate yourself that you have the ability to admire and care for someone else. Being able to love someone is awesome.
2. Delete those texts and emails from her that you've been keeping. Throw away that meaningless trinket that you keep looking at. Do it now.
3. When you cannot concentrate on anything but her, direct your energy creatively. Write down what you’re thinking and feeling, paint a picture or write a song. Set the feelings free and then get back to your work.
4. If you still cannot concentrate, get up and go for a run or a walk. Get moving, even if you don’t feel like it. It will make you feel better.
5. If it is possible, stop seeing her so much. Restrict contact in a way that seems natural. Catch up with other friends instead, or pick up an old hobby again.
6. If you are thinking about her so much that you’re not getting tasks done, try making a plan for your day. Tick things off when you have finished them, and give yourself a pat on the back.

I don’t know how much of this resonates with you, but I hope it helps. Good luck.

PS - I started a thread a few weeks ago about how to mend a broken heart. You might want to read the suggestions posted there.






* This made me think of Where The Wild Things Are, "We'll eat you up, we love you so!"


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## Jib (Nov 4, 2009)

_"What we had wasn’t even real, in a sense. There is no reason for me to be feeling so strongly for someone who was in my life for such a short time. I realize that I idealized her, that I created a perfect image in my mind and fell in “love” with it. But if I can recognize all of this, why can’t I overcome it? I’ve written poetry-esque journals about it, cried over it, pondered my feelings, expressed myself creatively, but I still can’t seem to make my feelings go away. I know you’re not supposed to just “get rid of them,” but I can’t deal with them staying there forever. Putting my feelings on the back burner and letting them sit there didn’t do me any good. They just bubbled over more intensely than ever. They also get worse when I’m alone and have no one to distract me from them. I’m trying to proactively work towards getting over it, but I don’t know how."_

You sound like you could use a hug. And correct me if I'm wrong, but it would mean a lot more to you if it was from her than someone like me -- and if I gave you a hug it probably wouldn't do anything at all. 

Who knows if that's true or not; but I said that because that's how I've felt every single time I've been in the same situation. It's horrible. No matter how much you rationalize about it, it doesn't go anywhere; it's like you're stuck in a rut, and just when you think you're about to get out of it, the wheel slips back down into the ditch, and you just let your head fall and slam into the steering wheel and let out a sigh. Or start crying, depending on how long you've been there on that particular day :wink: 

I can make a little joke like that, but my experience with that situation is that it's hell on earth. People might see it as irrational or negligible ('just let it go'), but if you're the one living in a world of obsessive fixation, uncontrollable thoughts and a compulsion to be with that _specific _person...I don't even know how to explain it. I don't have to, though; you're there already. 

Well, I have to tell you, you sound like you're aware of what's going on. You put quotation marks around "love"; you acknowledged that you were chasing an image -- a sort of illusory perception of that girl that you created in your mind -- and not the girl herself...it sounds like you've been working really hard at this, and like you said, have gone nowhere. 

I think you've gone somewhere, though; you might just not realize it. I say this because I've been in the same situation for a very, very long time, and this has been a motif in my life...fantasy, rejection, chasing the illusion...over and over and over again. It took me years and years to figure out that I was chasing after illusions. It's a very slow process, it is extremely painful, and it takes an incredible amount of hard work and diligence. 

I spend a lot of time alone. I'm used to not having people around to distract me. Sometimes it gets so overwhelming I have to watch some show, or play a game, or play guitar or listen to music or do something to get my brain to stop working so hard on that matter -- but I know that if I don't work hard at it and face my feelings for what they are, I'll never come to terms with them. 

There's no technique or faster route I've seen to help with any of this. Logic and rationality gaining control of the reins of emotion, so to speak, seems to be the only way to do it: realizing that your feelings are your own, focusing on what it means to truly love other people, and focusing on what it truly means to love yourself. That last part is especially key -- love yourself. 

And that is a very difficult thing to learn. Nearly impossible depending on who you are.

For me, personally, I feel like it's nearly impossible. I did not have a good childhood or teenage years. I generally have extremely severe problems with separation anxiety, I am obsessed about attachments and can readily become dependent on people I've only known for a very short amount of time -- basically, if I 'get over' someone -- a fantasy or something like that -- I will instantly find someone else to latch onto. It's always been this way. 

I'm intensely afraid of being alone. It's the worst thing in the world to me. I spend 99% of my time by myself, and it's been that way for quite a long time, but I keep from being alone by harboring fantasies of prospective relationships or just plain old romantic fantasies in general -- I trick myself into thinking I'm 'with' someone by convincing myself that we're intimately attached to one another. I think I even do this subconsciously. 

Because I'm afraid of being alone. When I'm not reinforcing intense feelings for someone, and am just off doing my own thing, I turn my emotions off and repress all the memories I have of past experiences that trigger an emotional response. They make me feel like I'm going to throw up, like you said about how you feel when you look at that girl; I just realized -- very recently, actually -- in somewhat of a mini-nervous breakdown episode, that I've unconsciously been blocking all those emotions. I think it's because I've associated them with pain, and so I automatically just filter out memories by how they make me feel, and selectively recall events, blah blah blah.

I'm talking so much about myself because I feel like you and I have a lot in common, even if it's only a lot in common in a tiny area; I don't know where you stand with separation anxiety, or longing for connectivity, or a fear of being alone and without closeness/intimacy. It just sounded like you might have some problems with that judging solely by everything you mentioned in the post -- and forgive me for being forward there with that inferred judgment; I just drew a parallel to the fact that I have problems with that, and have said and experienced much of the same things.

Anyway...

Thinking about what it means to love yourself would probably do you a lot of good. As far as me dealing with a similar situation goes, I know it would do me a lot of good; but I also know I don't want to do it, because that means admitting that the nature of my fantasies lies inside me, not within another person. Admitting that would be admitting that my idea of 'love' for all these years has been wrong, and being in a relationship means caring about another person and sharing yourself with them -- not co-dependency, but working together as a team. It sounds great, but the idea of that can be really scary and unsettling if you've got dependency or attachment issues. I obviously can't say whether or not you do; I know I do, though, and if you do have any problems with that, at the very least you have my complete empathy. It hurts like hell, it's something that most people don't understand at all, and it's one of the loneliest experiences I can imagine. 

Lonely as it is, you're not alone; if you're struggling with that, I'm right there with you, my friend :wink: Reality has a really unfair advantage with that right hook. And all the jabs. But we're talking about love and attachment, not boxing...well. Maybe it's like boxing. But I won't get into that now! 

Reinforcing all the reasoning is important; like I said, it's a slow process (if anyone finds a faster way, please let us know!), and reminding yourself that 'this fantasy is not this person' and so on and so on can, over time, affirm that in your mind and restructure your thinking. The hardest part seems to be when you want to break down and cry and be held, but nobody's there to do that, so all you can do is sit there and suffer until you're ready to try again. God, that sucks SO much. You can do it, though; and one way or another, effort always pays off. People might debate me on that, but how I see it, if you work on developing pure intentions, the bad intentions slipping away is reward enough. Not being tortured by unfulfillable romantic fantasies, for example, would be nice, and not having nervous breakdowns from separation anxiety / loss or rejection of an attachment figure / etc. 

This might help a bit to clarify the thought process: 

From...

Anima Projection by Doug Mosely



> I'm 38, been married 12 years and have a young son.
> 
> 
> Recently I've become reacquainted with a woman I knew before my wife.
> ...


I 'fell in love' with a girl a while back. Didn't really know her that well, but the feelings just blossomed, as will happen in anima projections. Anyway, that one really went downhill pretty fast; it's been a long, long time now, and she still won't say a word to me. I felt really guilty and awful about it, but like you said with the girl you mentioned -- loving someone else -- I eventually came to the conclusion that the whole 'connection' was just in my head, and from the beginning to the end she really didn't care at all. I'm pretty sure that that's completely true by this point in time, and that made it a lot easier to let go of the whole thing.

Know what made it easier, though? New people. I 'fell in love' with someone not too long after that fiasco, and it went a lot better because the feelings were mutual -- it was co-dependent though, and that wasn't good either. Then I popped over here, started meeting new people, and for the first time in my life I feel like I can start to actually have healthy, real relationships with people. A real friend. Fancy that! 

I'm really sorry for using so many personal anecdotes; I don't want you to think I'm just going on about myself. I'm only saying these things because I feel like you might be able to relate, and in the hope that it might help you to piece some things together.

As an ending note, I want to emphasize that point about people: don't isolate yourself. I did that for a long time; you can learn an immense amount by studying things and learning completely by yourself without any interaction with people -- I think that's actually a really healthy thing to do for short periods of time -- but overall, learning from your mistakes and building healthy relationships is probably the best way to heal the wounds from old ones that failed. I know a couple people here, for example, that I really, really enjoy talking to, and though it's really difficult for me not to get attached, I can already tell that my attachments to people from my past are fading away rapidly. 'Out of sight, out of mind'; it's only painful if you think about that phrase; not painful at all when you apply it :wink: 

Remembering people is good; all the better when we're able to let go of our attachments to them and look at our lives from the point of view of a whole person, instead of someone whose existence is dependent on someone else or some outside factor. I'm not a whole person yet, but I've gotten glimpses of that, and...well. You get the point. I've said enough for now, I'm sure XD

Good luck. Love yourself, and loving other people will come naturally. 

"Practice what you preach." 

I do love myself, and loving other people comes naturally to me. I didn't mention how WELL I love myself, though. You can get away with a lot of things like that if you're tricky about it, see?  

 

Take care, and thanks for sharing.


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## thehigher (Apr 20, 2009)

Liontiger said:


> It’s been about two months since broke up with this girl I was sort of involved with. Here’s how it went (in detail, sorry):
> 
> We were purely friends for two weeks, though I knew I liked her the entire time. We ended up hooking up, and I stayed over her place four nights in a row. The next day, she texted me saying that she hadn’t been looking for anything more than friendship. Naturally, I was crushed, and I guess you could say we “broke up.” That lasted maybe 24 hours. I facebook messaged her saying that I didn’t like the tension that had resulted from the ordeal and that I wanted to be friends. She agreed, saying that she hadn’t meant to hurt me or make an enemy out of me. We had a face-to-face talk about it (a rarity), and she told me that while she did have feelings for me, she wasn’t looking for anything long-term. It was clear that I was, so she broke it off. So, we went back to being friends.
> 
> ...


I feel deja vu....and by deja vu I mean the first year of my relationship with my INTP. Thing is...this sort of feeling was felt by either me or her at one point or another. It would switch off. She idealizes me while I am running away and then we flip. 

Let me clear this up a little. You need to intuit something else. This is a trap. Your Ne is fascinated with how unattainable she is. Damn Ne I know. Extroverted intuition is like that....it loves a challenge. So you have found the perfect challenge...a girl who hurts your feelings and then runs away. No no she didn't mean to right? Your may or may not be right. But it still happened and that's the important part. 


This sort of thing in a relationship usually happens when there is a lack of Ni. Both people with Ne are trying to make ends meet and they do so at the expense of themselves. Are you not attracted to her because you don't feel like you deserve her? Or...are you attracted to her...because you can't have her? Is it because you can't figure her out? Because there is no closure? ....or....is it because she rejected YOU ....and YOU took her judgment as more important than your own? ...think about this long and hard. 


A big part of this may be that she didn't give you enough closure. There are too many questions unaswered. So what you need to do is be the closure. Close her off. Let your Ne wander some place else where it can do more good. Learn who you really are...don't let the way she makes you feel....make you who you are. 

I'm extremely sorry that you have to go through this. It is such a scary place. Such a unpredicatable place. Anxiety may come when you find out you will se her in the hallway. You may pretend like you do not see her or that things are ok. You may have surpressed emotions that come in like a giant wave and you a disarmed. 


Often ...even though people get advice...they must try it for themselves so that they know for sure. So I suspect you may not take my advice merely because...well...what if I am wrong? Your Ne probably wants to figure this out itself. Be careful. Come back here if you need more help.


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## amanda32 (Jul 23, 2009)

That really sucks. Especially since you have to see her all the time!
Horrible!
If I may analyze from a woman's perspective, she likes you -- just not enough.
She was in the mood, slept with you and realized that she can't keep doing that because she'll hurt you more and it isn't fair to you. I don't think she trusts herself around you because when she wants sex...well, you're offering.
Try your best to hate her.
Try to convince yourself that she just doesn't care about you.


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## Liontiger (Jun 2, 2009)

decided said:


> I was thinking about all the things I could say here, and then remembered that I wrote a similar post to Ninja once. Here is part of that message:
> 
> I do not have a cure. But here are a few suggestions to help you cope until the feelings subside:
> 1. Congratulate yourself that you have the ability to admire and care for someone else. Being able to love someone is awesome.
> ...


Yes! An entire list of action plans. 
1) I really really needed to hear that. So simple, yet so true.
2) I got rid of those shortly after the hard times (I had two episodes of purging) because I was torturing myself with them. Unfortunately, I can't get rid of the internet. She has a youtube account with actual videos of herself. Luckily, the anxiety has kept me away from them lately. Also, I can't get rid of the memories associated with her (not that I would want to do that, of course). It's just that she was so intertwined with a part of my life that she gets brought up in conversation a lot. She also introduced me to some music that I really like, and I can't just stop liking them.
3) I've been doing that. Lots and lots of it. I just have to make sure I get back to work afterwards.
5) One of the greatest resources I have is my friends. I would seriously be under extreme water right now if I didn't have them to ground me.
6) Hmm, perhaps this is a better plan than simply distracting myself with indulgent activities. I'm not a terribly productive person as it is.

These are great points. Thank you so much :happy:



Jib said:


> You sound like you could use a hug. And correct me if I'm wrong,* but it would mean a lot more to you if it was from her* than someone like me -- and if I gave you a hug it probably wouldn't do anything at all.......
> 
> I can make a little joke like that, but my experience with that situation is that it's hell on earth. *People might see it as irrational or negligible ('just let it go'), but if you're the one living in a world of obsessive fixation, uncontrollable thoughts and a compulsion to be with that specific person*...I don't even know how to explain it. I don't have to, though; you're there already....
> 
> There's no technique or faster route I've seen to help with any of this. Logic and rationality gaining control of the reins of emotion, so to speak, seems to be the only way to do it: realizing that your feelings are your own, focusing on what it means to truly love other people, and focusing on what it truly means to love yourself.* That last part is especially key -- love yourself*.


Quoted for truth. 



> I'm talking so much about myself because I feel like you and I have a lot in common, even if it's only a lot in common in a tiny area; I don't know where you stand with separation anxiety, or longing for connectivity, or a fear of being alone and without closeness/intimacy. It just sounded like you might have some problems with that judging solely by everything you mentioned in the post -- and forgive me for being forward there with that inferred judgment; I just drew a parallel to the fact that I have problems with that, and have said and experienced much of the same things.


I might own up to having some attachment issues, though I never really looked at it like that before. Before I went to college (which was this year), I never really developed strong attachments to anyone. The group of friends that I had in high school changed almost every year, and I didn't spend a whole lot of time with my own best friend. I used to see this as a good thing, the fact that I could always be surrounded by friends even when my old ones were gone. I depend on my parents mostly for their ability to provide for me, in many ways. If they stop providing that, I don't really feel an attachment to them. Starting college changed this pattern. I bonded instantly with my core group of friends, and became close almost too soon. It happened much the same way with this girl. I had never felt that way about anyone before, and the novelty of it all was just blowing my mind. I couldn't get enough of it, no matter how much it hurt me at times (the instances I mentioned weren't the only times we had issues). 



> Anima Projection by Doug Mosely


This material really helps. It provided some solid starting points to working on this.



> Know what made it easier, though? New people. I 'fell in love' with someone not too long after that fiasco, and it went a lot better because the feelings were mutual -- it was co-dependent though, and that wasn't good either. Then I popped over here, started meeting new people, and for the first time in my life I feel like I can start to actually have healthy, real relationships with people. A real friend. Fancy that!


See, that's part of the problem. Going to a small school means that I have considerably few romantic options, especially since a) I have high standards, and b) I'm gay. There is someone that I have my eye on rather casually, but I've only spoken to her on a handful of occassions. I don't know of she's gay either, but I would like to try to strike up some sort of tentative relationship with her if she is.



> Remembering people is good; all the better when we're able to let go of our attachments to them and look at our lives from the point of view of a whole person,* instead of someone whose existence is dependent on someone else or some outside factor*. I'm not a whole person yet, but I've gotten glimpses of that, and...well. You get the point. I've said enough for now, I'm sure XD


This is a problem for me. I focus so much on making the people I care about happy that I forget my own needs. I also tend to go looking for things outside myself to make myself happy.

Thank you for all of this. I really appreciate it :happy:


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## Liontiger (Jun 2, 2009)

thehigher said:


> Let me clear this up a little. You need to intuit something else. This is a trap. *Your Ne is fascinated with how unattainable she is*. Damn Ne I know. Extroverted intuition is like that....it loves a challenge. So you have found the perfect challenge...a girl who hurts your feelings and then runs away. *No no she didn't mean to right?* Your may or may not be right. But it still happened and that's the important part.
> 
> This sort of thing in a relationship usually happens when there is a lack of Ni. Both people with Ne are trying to make ends meet and they do so at the expense of themselves. Are you not attracted to her because you don't feel like you deserve her? Or...are you attracted to her...because you can't have her? *Is it because you can't figure her out?* *Because there is no closure?* ....or....is it because she rejected YOU ....and YOU took her judgment as more important than your own? ...think about this long and hard.
> 
> ...


I'm really glad I created this thread, as you all are giving me so much material to work with. Luckily, one of the things I do not have is trust issues, so I will be taking the advice to heart. I have always been fixated on the fact that I can't figure her out. She's an enigma to me despite how similar we are to each other (she's ENFP, if you recall). It's true that I would have liked more closure. I even wrote in my "feelings journal" about how I really just want to talk to her to see where things went wrong. Perhaps I need acknowledge the fact that I may never get those answers and, like you said, be the closure.



amanda32 said:


> That really sucks. Especially since you have to see her all the time!
> Horrible!
> If I may analyze from a woman's perspective, she likes you -- just not enough.
> She was in the mood, slept with you and realized that she can't keep doing that because she'll hurt you more and it isn't fair to you. I don't think she trusts herself around you because when she wants sex...well, you're offering.
> ...


I appreciate your bluntness (if you were meaning to be blunt). I needed it. It would take a lot for me to hate her, as I don't have it in me to hate anyone at all. But I will certainly try to stop seeing her as perfect. I don't like to entertain the idea that she had anything but the best of intentions, but perhaps I could benefit from a little healthy skepticism.

EDIT: Oh, and I also changed my status from Longing to Pensive. The Longing status was rather pathetic and also a not-so-pleasant reminder.


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