# I feel attracted to my boss. Some tips how to deal with it?



## Surreal Snake (Nov 17, 2009)

Mmmm said:


> Oh my goodness, you were a real Mac Daddy. :wink:


A one man woman now...:crazy:


----------



## Denature (Nov 6, 2015)

@Luna88
Dress in a tight pencil skirt and show* him* who's boss :wink:


----------



## Tropes (Jul 7, 2016)

Denature said:


> @*Luna88*
> Dress in a tight pencil skirt and show* him* who's boss :wink:


Trick question - the show would have you believe it's either Tony or Angela, but if you look for who owned the initial investment with which Angela made all her money, which is how she bought the estate that Tony was hired to clean, it was actually Angela's mom, Mona, whose money Angela managed. So this whole time...


* *




Mona was the boss.


----------



## changos (Nov 21, 2011)

Luna88 said:


> I feel attracted to my boss and I don't want to.


Happened to me once (me attracted to her, I'm a man BTW), it was difficult... uncomfortable but I was able to control and adapt but not thanks to my skills, it was easy because we didn't have to interact everyday. But I can tell you... when she smiled of we made jokes (friendly jokes) shit... I melted and felt all I had inside was evident to her, wanted to run. Sounds fucked up from a big dude right? I guess you know the feeling. But again we didn't interacted every day and this didn't affect my ability to think or work.

In my case (I believe same as yours) there was no power or authority pattern, it was "her", the persona, never in the past felt attracted to any boss. _But then years later it happened again_.



Marvin the Dendroid said:


> Keep your feelings to yourself. If you can't, find a new job.


Sadly, yes I think it can be the best approach.

I was saying "_it happened again years later_" because it happened. I had this job interview, advertising agency and quite a lot of beautiful women coming and going, then I'm asked to get into X office and there she is, it was an instant mutual click, I hated it!!! I really liked her and all my life have been very clear on work stuff, but as the interview advanced it was evident she was attracted too, we talked for 2 hours and a half, we were already messing things up if you really want to call things by their name. To make matter worse she wasn't just the interviewer, she was going to be my direct boss. I didn't need more, I refused the job even that I really needed it. When I left, the goodbye was uncomfortable, I wanted so much to... and then wanted so much to turn around as a left... well I did and there she was, still, looking at me, it was... well you know. Fuck it, there were two things I wanted there: the job and her, I didn't get any of those. Shit happens.


----------



## Amyra (Sep 20, 2018)

Luna88 said:


> I feel attracted to my boss and I don't want to. Simply because I have no desire or interest to develop my attraction into something more and I want to keep our relationship only on a professional level (I don't even know if he is married, in relationship etc.).
> 
> I feel very uncomfortable about my attraction to him and I'm afraid that some of my colleague will realize it.
> The boss is very intelligent and optimistic person and he also makes witty jokes. He is very open, friendly and trustworthy with people. These personal characteristic make me feel very good and in ease around him, so I'm also more open when I talk to him, I make jokes etc. - and this not typical for me, because I'm quite introverted person, so not many people know my warm, open, friendly side. And I honestly don't feel in ease with most of the people.
> ...


Remind yourself the reason that why this relationship won't be good. Keep this in mind. Write your feelings somewhere. Focus more on yourself than your boss. Focus on other things. 

If you are worried that some other colleague will find it out, then focus more on your behaviour when you are with him. Keep yourself in control, focus on yourself. And keep this in mind that this has no future.


----------



## Luna88 (Jan 7, 2019)

@changos 

Yeah, we also don't have to interact every day, fortunately. 

Yes, it's about the persona. And also about the intelligence, maturity, self-awareness, self-confidence, ability to be responsible...I highly admire these qualities. 
Few years ago I've literally felt in love with my professor (not much older than me), he is such a great man, helped me a lot and we understood each other so well. But I had to forget about him, because he was in a relationship. Still, he is one of the men I admire the most. 

IN this case it is not so "serious". It's only attraction, kind of. And I'm aware of it, because I dont want that the story will repeat...


----------



## Luna88 (Jan 7, 2019)

changos said:


> I was saying "_it happened again years later_" because it happened. I had this job interview, advertising agency and quite a lot of beautiful women coming and going, then I'm asked to get into X office and there she is, it was an instant mutual click, I hated it!!! I really liked her and all my life have been very clear on work stuff, but as the interview advanced it was evident she was attracted too, we talked for 2 hours and a half, we were already messing things up if you really want to call things by their name. To make matter worse she wasn't just the interviewer, she was going to be my direct boss. I didn't need more, I refused the job even that I really needed it. When I left, the goodbye was uncomfortable, I wanted so much to... and then wanted so much to turn around as a left... well I did and there she was, still, looking at me, it was... well you know. Fuck it, there were two things I wanted there: the job and her, I didn't get any of those. Shit happens.


I understand you very well. Very similar thing happened to me and my exprofessor. At the time he wasn't my prof anymore, so we could develop something, I said myself "NO", he is in a relationship. One and half year later I found out he broke up with his long-term girlfriend and he started to date a girl who is my age. they are still together...

Well, that's life...


----------



## Surreal Snake (Nov 17, 2009)

Just fuck him and get it over with. It sounds like thats what you want


----------



## Zosio (Mar 17, 2015)

I've been in this situation before. 

Honestly, the only thing you can do -- in my experience -- is exit the situation as much as you can, even if it means finding another job. It's just not worth the potential crap storm, especially if he's already spoken for. 

For me, it took leaving my job and having the benefit of distance to realize how ridiculous my attraction was. It's harder to see those situations objectively when you're in the thick of it.


----------



## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

@Luna88

Imagine your boss as a corpse. Decaying. Rotting flesh. Dead.


----------



## Luna88 (Jan 7, 2019)

@Amyra This is really helpful, thank you


----------



## Zosio (Mar 17, 2015)

TranquilMindGun said:


> hahaha. you are such a brat!


He's the INFJ's resident "What would Inferior Se do?" representative. :laughing:


----------



## changos (Nov 21, 2011)

tanstaafl28 said:


> @*Luna88*
> 
> Imagine your boss as a corpse. Decaying. Rotting flesh. Dead.


There is literature about it, it's funny, a old author (centuries ago) wrote this piece treating love as a disease, so: get there early to see the person you feel you love unprepared, cleaning his mouth or in the bathroom. Get in the bathroom quickly after the person left so you can feel the bad scents. If the person has bad teeth make him laugh!!! if the person is not smart then tell intelligent jokes so you can see how dumb he is, if such person can't dance, make him dance! etc etc. I don't remember the title of the book at this time, it was hilarious.


----------



## changos (Nov 21, 2011)

Luna88 said:


> @*changos*
> 
> Yeah, we also don't have to interact every day, fortunately.


Well think about you, if in the long run affects you, try to look for a relocation or another job


----------



## Lonewaer (Jul 14, 2014)

What do you mean you're attracted to your boss but you don't want to, and you want tips to achieve not being attracted to him ? You're _so_ attracted to him you can't control yourself ?

Shut it down. Keep work life and private life separate no matter what. He's out of bounds because he's work life. Put your feelings about him aside, they don't matter. I'm not saying they never matter, I'm saying in this particular instance, they don't.


To illustrate : the last girl I dated I ended it with her because I saw some red flags. My feelings are telling me it's a shame, that I should maybe contact her back so we could try again, they're making me imagine what ifs. They make me miss her, they make me think "it could have been her". But I saw the —minor, mind you— red flags, so my feelings about her do not matter. The red flags will get me hurt, and I don't willingly and knowingly run into hurt. The correct decision is to not get back with her.

You know he's your boss, you don't want to mix things up, so don't, as simple as that. I mean it looks like you're asking us because you cannot control your impulses, it's strange. Maybe you can control them, but then why ask ?


----------



## Cherry (May 28, 2017)

Lonewaer said:


> What do you mean you're attracted to your boss but you don't want to, and you want tips to achieve not being attracted to him ? You're _so_ attracted to him you can't control yourself ?
> 
> Shut it down. Keep work life and private life separate no matter what. He's out of bounds because he's work life. Put your feelings about him aside, they don't matter. I'm not saying they never matter, I'm saying in this particular instance, they don't.
> 
> ...


Maybe to see if other people can relate, or have been in a similar situation and to find out how they handled it themselves? derp lol


----------



## daleks_exterminate (Jul 22, 2013)

Luna88 said:


> Yep, I can do that. It's just that this thing (my attraction to him) surprised me for some reason.


Sure, that can happen. But then is this thread still asking for advice or just seeing if people relate? Sorry, I'm a bit confused.


----------



## ENIGMA2019 (Jun 1, 2015)

Mmmm said:


> Oh my goodness, you were a real Mac Daddy. :wink:


A hot one *grins*


----------



## ENIGMA2019 (Jun 1, 2015)

Denature said:


> @Luna88
> Dress in a tight pencil skirt and show* him* who's boss :wink:


:laughing:


----------



## ENIGMA2019 (Jun 1, 2015)

Surreal Snake said:


> Just fuck him and get it over with. It sounds like thats what you want


*duct tapes his hands to the chair* Hush! Bad advice!


----------



## ENIGMA2019 (Jun 1, 2015)

Find another job if you can not control it. Then go fuck him.


----------



## Luna88 (Jan 7, 2019)

orphansparrow said:


> Try to remember that friendship is way underrated. Make yourself believe that attraction to him will only lead to hardship, and what you want is to ultimately be happy. Therefore attraction to him = your eventual unhappiness. Tell yourself this, because it is the most probable outcome. Eventually you'll believe this, appreciate him for the good human that he is, and that is it.


Thanks for the advice  yes, I agree with you. I dont think there is a happy ending in this case.


----------



## JennyJukes (Jun 29, 2012)

Hey so maybe Luna88 and her boss aint getting laid but at least everyone else here is trying...


----------



## Zosio (Mar 17, 2015)

*Temp-closed for some snip-snipping.*


----------



## Zosio (Mar 17, 2015)

*Annd we're back. 

No more de-railing ("usurping" might be a better term), please.

I've given all the derails a new home besides the Junk Box, because I am a merciful and generous mod:

https://www.personalitycafe.com/spam-world/1299591-zosios-orphanage-sick-horndogs.html*


----------



## WickerDeer (Aug 1, 2012)

Luna88 said:


> I feel attracted to my boss and I don't want to. Simply because I have no desire or interest to develop my attraction into something more and I want to keep our relationship only on a professional level (I don't even know if he is married, in relationship etc.).
> 
> I feel very uncomfortable about my attraction to him and I'm afraid that some of my colleague will realize it.
> The boss is very intelligent and optimistic person and he also makes witty jokes. He is very open, friendly and trustworthy with people. These personal characteristic make me feel very good and in ease around him, so I'm also more open when I talk to him, I make jokes etc. - and this not typical for me, because I'm quite introverted person, so not many people know my warm, open, friendly side. And I honestly don't feel in ease with most of the people.
> ...


I would say it's okay that you are attracted to your boss. He sounds like a pretty good guy, and that's attractive. So I do think it can help to just accept that. It doesn't mean you have to do anything with your boss, or that you are receptive to him, or that he is to you. You are just two adults, and you find him attractive. It's fine.

Perhaps he embodies something you value, and one day if you decide to pursue something with someone, it will be someone who also has good qualities. 

I had a huge crush on one of my bosses. HUGE. It was a pain because I would get super nervous every staff meeting. One time I accidentally went in to the wrong staff meeting and didn't even notice it was the wrong meeting for a few minutes. I also blush easy so people probably thought I had some kind of heart condition.

It made it harder because he was so freaking nice. He was nice to the most socially awkward guy on our team, who was struggling (we went door to door). I was also one of the best on the team, as far as productivity goes, so he would give me positive feedback, which just made me like him more.

Idk--he could have been a jerk to his girlfriend (he did have a girlfriend, which makes it even worse as a dilemma for me), but I just acknowledged that in as far as I knew him, he was a positive influence in my life and that was something rational, even if my nervousness and fluttery feelings weren't.

Eventually he moved up in the company (I doubt I was the only one who liked him--he was great) and I lost some of my motivation even though I was glad not to be a sweaty, brainless wreck every time I went into the office. I think he was a good boss too--so that also made it tough.

So I actually think just accepting my feelings was a helpful psychological trick--and owning them, and also acknowledging the positives in my boss. It didn't make them go away, but it did help teach me something about myself.

I think of it like a compliment--as long as you are respectful, and you consider him and treat him as a good boss, it doesn't matter if you find him attractive. If anything, it just means he's likeable.

Edit: I should also add that I did get over it pretty quickly after he moved up (though tbh I was like 'this job sucks ass' and I left to go back to caring jobs, rather than try to figure out where to go in the corporation (people were suggesting human resources--and they fire people!). But I tend to take a long time getting over infatuation, so I do think that's testament to how reframing the way I thought about it did work for me. Now when I think about him, I'm just grateful to have had someone who was a positive influence during that time in my life, and who helped me feel good about my capabilities, and I hope he is well in his life, that he's sleeping more (he was always so tired b/c he worked two jobs--one in the day and one at night), and that he is still kind to other people. So I do think it helped to just accept and try to treat it like a 'normal' thing (even though it didn't feel 'normal.')


----------



## Luna88 (Jan 7, 2019)

@MeltedSorbet

Thank you for sharing your story. I can see many very similar points in yours and mine. My boss is also nice to all the people, he is very fair man and whenever he sees someone could be disadvantaged for some reasons, he supports that person. 
He motivated me A LOT when I was figuring out quite difficult task. You wrote that your boss had positive influences on you - just like mine. I'm really grateful for that, but I have to learn to accept my attraction to him as it is, without being afraid that someone or he will realize it. The thing is that I feel like transparent, whenever I like someone  

So yes, you are right. And I would rather accept my feelings without acting on them, then loose a good person in my life.


----------



## contradictionary (Apr 1, 2018)

From my personal observation including my own anecdotal experience, this kind of things between coworkers happens far more often than we can comfortably admit.

It's AS IF we were being conditioned to experience it. In large social conggregation of adults/adolescences, in school, college, office, There are always many sexual tension and drama whenever men and women cross paths in repetitive routines.

_Sent sans PC_


----------



## shameless (Apr 21, 2014)

ENIGMA 4.0 said:


> I did not read any of your post. The title was enough. Do not shit where you eat is a notorious statement for a reason.


Yeah 

What she said

Engaged on a crush on a boss last year 
Ended up being a detrimental effect on my hard work
I really did work really frkcken hard too btw and was behind tons of feedback implementation and our company’s operations 

Worst case scenario you could end up in a bad spot with your credibility in question and at the hands of a bad person in power

Best case scenario for you if anything evolved is that this boss would know the only way to be a good boss or romantic interest is if he or you are reposted and neither reports to the other.


----------



## Scoobyscoob (Sep 4, 2016)

I would suggest finding a new "boss" or finding a new job. Romances between a manager (or boss) and subordinate always ends in heartache so it's never worth it.


----------



## Firelily (Apr 20, 2016)

sweetie there are always time in this life when we are attacked to those who we think we shouldnt like. If you really dont want to keep liking this man then find things thats are wrong with him. the mind is a powerful tool, right now all you can think about is how much you like him but you can change that.

if you are very uncomfortable you need to move onto another job and try to forget the whole thing.


----------



## contradictionary (Apr 1, 2018)

Firelily said:


> sweetie there are always time in this life when we are attacked to those who we think we shouldnt like. If you really dont want to keep liking this man then find things thats are wrong with him. the mind is a powerful tool, right now all you can think about is how much you like him but you can change that.


Frankly i wouldn't recommend this method for it tend to evolve into habit. Habit which may become obsession of finding faults in every people you interact with and it's simply unhealthy. Treat this as caveat for everyone is different still.



Firelily said:


> if you are very uncomfortable you need to move onto another job and try to forget the whole thing.


This one is better also because when you move you then have another option: you might actually try to win his attention and affection instead.



_Sent sans PC_


----------



## nablur (Mar 9, 2017)

Luna88 said:


> I feel attracted to my boss and I don't want to. Simply because I have no desire or interest to develop my attraction into something more and I want to keep our relationship only on a professional level (I don't even know if he is married, in relationship etc.).
> 
> I feel very uncomfortable about my attraction to him and I'm afraid that some of my colleague will realize it.
> The boss is very intelligent and optimistic person and he also makes witty jokes. He is very open, friendly and trustworthy with people. These personal characteristic make me feel very good and in ease around him, so I'm also more open when I talk to him, I make jokes etc. - and this not typical for me, because I'm quite introverted person, so not many people know my warm, open, friendly side. And I honestly don't feel in ease with most of the people.
> ...


i dont believe an individual can choose who/what he/she is attracted to.


----------



## Luna88 (Jan 7, 2019)

Thank you all for your ideas/insights.

I know it's kind of irrelevant "problem" in comparison to much more serious things in life. Those of you who mention leaving the job -(@contradictionary, @Firelily etc.) I cannot do that, I actually did it in summer (because I started another job), but now I'm back there on a part time, because of the project that I must to do there. 

Fortunately, I'm in the office only once or twice a week, so it's not often. 

What worked for me so far - trying to avoid contact with him when there is no one else + only focusing at work.


----------



## Luna88 (Jan 7, 2019)

BUT also my attraction is "strengthened" by the way he (boss) behaves to me - he is softer and kinder in comparison to other colleagues. First I thought it's because I was a newcomer, but now I'm not at all and he behaves that way, and especially when we are alone.

Plus, I found him gazing at me for quite a long time several times (?!?!?!) 
Maybe it means nothing, but it doesn't make my situation easier.


----------



## Janna (Aug 31, 2018)

If you really don't want to do anything sexual with your boss, then treat your attraction as you would any other feeling that might pass your way - you can recognize it and not do anything about it. I'm sure there are celebrities you've felt attracted to. You noticed the attraction and didn't let it bother you, right? There are worse things than feeling a bit uplifted, so to say, when seeing your boss. Where's the harm in that? You don't have to concern yourself with his potential feelings and motives. No business of yours, and vice versa.

As a person who decided to go the other way and hit on their boss I can also say that there are worse things than that too. Yes it was awkward the first time, and yes it was impossible in the long run, but there were also a lot of fun times there. I did have to leave that job, but I would have anyway, and having that extra incentive to leave just accelerated the process of finding better career opportunities.


----------



## Amyra (Sep 20, 2018)

Luna88 said:


> BUT also my attraction is "strengthened" by the way he (boss) behaves to me - he is softer and kinder in comparison to other colleagues. First I thought it's because I was a newcomer, but now I'm not at all and he behaves that way, and especially when we are alone.
> 
> Plus, I found him gazing at me for quite a long time several times (?!?!?!)
> Maybe it means nothing, but it doesn't make my situation easier.


First of all, get clear that whether you want a relationship with him or not. 

And may be, he might have known now your soft spots...thats why he is behaving that much politely when he is alone with you? (I am only guessing)


----------



## Luna88 (Jan 7, 2019)

Amyra said:


> First of all, get clear that whether you want a relationship with him or not.
> 
> And may be, he might have known now your soft spots...thats why he is behaving that much politely when he is alone with you? (I am only guessing)


Hmm, what do you mean with soft spots? (sorry, I'm not native English speaker).

He has been behaving this way for most of the time I know him. I realized it much before, but I didn't pay attention to it (as I said, I thought he did so because I was the new one at the office). And it was the time when I was breaking up with someone and I was in depression states, so I didn't care about any man. Now that I'm much better and much more myself, I have more self-esteem but I also see things clearer. 

Anyway, I always tell myself - when I won't show any clear sign of interest, he cannot know anything. And if colleagues won't notice that different behavior...


----------



## Amyra (Sep 20, 2018)

Luna88 said:


> Hmm, what do you mean with soft spots? (sorry, I'm not native English speaker).


Me too. By soft spots, I meant "your weaknesses". See, I am only making a rough guess here. You get attracted to people who behave kindly towards you. And this is what he might have used to gain your attention? I think thats a bad guess. 


> He has been behaving this way for most of the time I know him. I realized it much before, but I didn't pay attention to it (as I said, I thought he did so because I was the new one at the office). And it was the time when I was breaking up with someone and I was in depression states, so I didn't care about any man. Now that I'm much better and much more myself, I have more self-esteem but I also see things clearer.


Enjoy the attention if you are comfortable with it. And focus on your own life. This topic doesn't carry enough weightage. Right? 


> Anyway, I always tell myself - when I won't show any clear sign of interest, he cannot know anything. And if colleagues won't notice that different behavior...


Even if then also he says "you like me luna88 right?" , then refuse it and say "its nothing like that". Don't claim from your mouth that you like him.


----------



## Luna88 (Jan 7, 2019)

Amyra said:


> Me too. By soft spots, I meant "your weaknesses". See, I am only making a rough guess here. You get attracted to people who behave kindly towards you. And this is what he might have used to gain your attention? I think thats a bad guess.


Well, who knows. Yes, there are times when it feels nice to have that kind of attention, but sometimes it also makes me feel uncomfortable. Of course I would never admit my attraction to him, and I know that if I won't do anything about it, it will pass away probably...


----------



## Luna88 (Jan 7, 2019)

As time passes by....

....I realized that crush on my boss is related to the fact that I find attractive men who are unavailable for some reason - if they are not emotionally closed, then they live far away. And if they are emotionally very open and live in the same region as me, then they are my bosses - apparently (I put aside the fact that he is incredible intelligent, honest and nice man, that's a huge plus, of course). 

Does someone know where this comes from? The fact that I like most what I cannot have? :uncomfortableness:


----------



## Fru2 (Aug 21, 2018)

Luna88 said:


> As time passes by....
> 
> ....I realized that crush on my boss is related to the fact that I find attractive men who are unavailable for some reason - if they are not emotionally closed, then they live far away. And if they are emotionally very open and live in the same region as me, then they are my bosses - apparently (I put aside the fact that he is incredible intelligent, honest and nice man, that's a huge plus, of course).
> 
> Does someone know where this comes from? The fact that I like most what I cannot have? :uncomfortableness:


Might come from the fact that you're not feeling ready/worthy of getting into a relationship. Or it could be that you like confidence and unavailables/bosses are, usually confident.


----------



## Sri (Mar 24, 2016)

Develop healthy relationships with others in your life that you don't have free time to fantasize about the boss and potentially romantic relationship. Ignore your unhealthy imagination. Focus on grabbing that creativity at work or develop a hobby. Remember prevention is better than cure. If you really don't want this, that means its not good for you. It's just the mind tricking you into trouble.


----------



## Sri (Mar 24, 2016)

Luna88 said:


> As time passes by....
> 
> ....I realized that crush on my boss is related to the fact that I find attractive men who are unavailable for some reason - if they are not emotionally closed, then they live far away. And if they are emotionally very open and live in the same region as me, then they are my bosses - apparently (I put aside the fact that he is incredible intelligent, honest and nice man, that's a huge plus, of course).
> 
> Does someone know where this comes from? The fact that I like most what I cannot have? :uncomfortableness:


Maybe you need to have more faith that good things will come to you. You don't need to run after it. You might want to check Human Design and see whats your type and what is your authority. And follow that. You will find the reasons and solutions.


----------



## Abbaladon Arc V (Jan 16, 2018)

What about killing him ?


----------



## Marcella (Sep 13, 2019)

Luna88 said:


> I feel attracted to my boss and I don't want to. Simply because I have no desire or interest to develop my attraction into something more and I want to keep our relationship only on a professional level (I don't even know if he is married, in relationship etc.).
> 
> I feel very uncomfortable about my attraction to him and I'm afraid that some of my colleague will realize it.
> The boss is very intelligent and optimistic person and he also makes witty jokes. He is very open, friendly and trustworthy with people. These personal characteristic make me feel very good and in ease around him, so I'm also more open when I talk to him, I make jokes etc. - and this not typical for me, because I'm quite introverted person, so not many people know my warm, open, friendly side. And I honestly don't feel in ease with most of the people.
> ...


My advice is- don't go there.


----------



## incision (May 23, 2010)

Luna88 said:


> Does someone know where this comes from? The fact that I like most what I cannot have? :uncomfortableness:


It's not uncommon and can be destructive if you wallow in it.

One possibility is fear of commitment since if you crush on someone unavailable, you won't ever have to commit to them.


----------

