# INFJ engaged to an ESTP, need advice on how to end things......



## rosered89 (Nov 12, 2013)

Hello all,

I would first like to start by saying that I feel kind of childish writing this. I think being a grown 26-year-old woman it's kind of juvenile to resort to the internet to find answers to adult decisions. Despite the fact I know the course my current relationship must take, I needed to vent somewhere, and I can't go to my family. Around January of this year I met this great ESTP. Despite his rough exterior he is a kind man, and really wants to start a family. I don't know where my head was looking back, but I accepted his advances without really being attracted to him. Fast forward to May, and he's down on one knee and proposing. I said yes, but the huge problem here is: I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH HIM. :shocked: Yes, you heard me right. 

Let it be known that I am fully aware that not being in love with him is more than enough reason to leave him. The thing is, I don't seem to muster the courage to do it. I feel like a coward. He was strung along by his last serious girlfriend of eight years, and I don't want to be the next one to do the same. I guess being close to 30, I am starting to itch about finding a soul mate and starting a family. But when I look at him, I can't see us ever being anything close to that. It is very difficult to admit this to myself, but I was about to "settle" for him. I tried to fit a square peg into a round hole on this one. We are incompatible in so many ways, but the biggest thing for me is the lack of stimulating conversation. As an ESTP, my fiancé could care less about literature and having intellectual discussions with me. As shallow as I sometimes think it sounds, I need someone with a brain inside their head. As I mentioned previously, he has a good heart, but intelligence Is not his forte. I feel the relationship is missing something I need by lacking this factor.

Also, I have this gut feeling he is also rushing into this. I found out not long after we got engaged that we became official TWO WEEKS after his break up with his ex. I confronted him about this and his answer was that the breakup was a long time coming, and he had fallen out of love with her. Personally, I don't think you can heal the wounds of an 8-year relationship in two weeks. But what do I know. Anyways, I could sit here typing all night about all the red flags in our relationship. If anyone has any advice on how to end things gracefully with him and notify both our families, I would really appreciate some answers from people. I have all of these thoughts in my head but I can't seem to muster the courage to do the inevitable.


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## DeepenThought (Jan 30, 2014)

I don't think there's an easy way you can end this, only simple ones. No matter what you do, you'll end up breaking his heart and feeling badly about it.

If I were on the receiving end, and trying to put myself in the shoes of an ESTP male (never a good idea for an INFJ male), I'd probably want a direct explanation of the situation, why, and what the likelihood of it being repaired is. It is certainly probable there may be no circumstance under which you feel the relationship is salvageable if you're that different, and it's probably too much to expect from him the level of intellectual and emotional interplay you need. I think you would do him more harm if you tried to soft-pedal that.

I'm sorry to hear it won't work, but you're doing the right thing by not letting it progress further.


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## rosered89 (Nov 12, 2013)

Yes, he is the typical ESTP. Works on his body constantly but not his mind. He takes me shooting and doing all of these sensory things, but I wonder when we'll get to do things I like. The more time passes by, the more this is eating at me. He deserves better than to marry someone who doesn't love him, regardless of whether he is smart or not. I have grown to care about him as a person, but it's not romantic love. As you could imagine as an NF is crushing to know he'll be broken-hearted, not to mention the embarrassment with the family.....


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## Sygma (Dec 19, 2014)

The being a coward part is your initial problem, and that include having a relationship to begin with. You knew straight from the start, didn't you ? and yet you didn't stand up. 

Walk on the path that will lead you to growth. Don't hide, don't text, simply have a discussion with him. A straightforward one. There's nothing to fear here.


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## DeepenThought (Jan 30, 2014)

rosered89 said:


> Yes, he is the typical ESTP. Works on his body constantly but not his mind. He takes me shooting and doing all of these sensory things, but I wonder when we'll get to do things I like. The more time passes by, the more this is eating at me. He deserves better than to marry someone who doesn't love him, regardless of whether he is smart or not. I have grown to care about him as a person, but it's not romantic love. As you could imagine as an NF is crushing to know he'll be broken-hearted, not to mention the embarrassment with the family.....


Quite. Unfortunately little that can be done about it now, and that risk of hurt and embarrassment just increases the longer the engagement lasts. That doesn't make it any easier, no doubt, but it does make it urgent.


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## Inveniet (Aug 21, 2009)

Tell him you are having doubts because *you feel your interests are being neglected.*
For some reason INFJs seem to think that there is this need to have a huge dramatic spill of the heart.
That is why NFJs are the drama queens of the types.
You carry too long inside until you can't take it anymore and then it is inappropriate to say it like it is.
Don't do that.
Tell him that the lack of intellectual stimulation is suffocating you, that you can't live like that.
And for gods sake don't bring up your lack of feelings.
Keep it pragmatic and focus only on you guys not being a good fit.
I know this goes against your natural ways, but really if you want this to end easily this is your exit.
Be frank about not wanting to spend a life doing activties that give you little.
While sparing his feelings over the fact that you have no feelings for him.


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## Inure Penumbra (May 13, 2012)

im an infj currently dating an estp for 9 months now. I am an Fe subtype and he is a Ti subtype so it works out fine. Your relationship however seems like he appreciates the strangeness of your personality but that is where it ends - he is unwilling to accommodate your interests. the Se - Ni divide is too strong. You should have a direct conversation with him, deep down he probably knows that he's rushed into this because he feels that he wasted too much time with his exgf without getting married. Your families will be mildly inconvenienced but will understand. Just do what you need to do, it will be ok


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## rosered89 (Nov 12, 2013)

hornet said:


> Tell him you are having doubts because *you feel your interests are being neglected.*
> For some reason INFJs seem to think that there is this need to have a huge dramatic spill of the heart.
> That is why NFJs are the drama queens of the types.
> You carry too long inside until you can't take it anymore and then it is inappropriate to say it like it is.
> ...



Thank You for your response. I feel guilty for letting this relationship get to the point that it has gotten to. Then again, I did not expect him to pop the question so quickly. I have been going back and forth on whether to tell him the honest truth, which is that I don't love him. But as you can imagine my Fe won't let me. I was leaning towards going in the direction you suggested here. I planned to tell him other things in our relationship I consider red flags and deal-breakers as reasons for a break-up, but not disclosing my lack of feelings for him. Some part of me felt like that was yet another cop-out from admitting the truth as it is, yet another side thought it was a brutal thing to say. I want to save him some face. It's humiliating enough we have to let EVERYONE in the family know what happened and that it was I who ended it.


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## Bugs (May 13, 2014)

Damn, that's some messed up shit.


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## rosered89 (Nov 12, 2013)

Inure Penumbra said:


> im an infj currently dating an estp for 9 months now. I am an Fe subtype and he is a Ti subtype so it works out fine. Your relationship however seems like he appreciates the strangeness of your personality but that is where it ends - he is unwilling to accommodate your interests. the Se - Ni divide is too strong. You should have a direct conversation with him, deep down he probably knows that he's rushed into this because he feels that he wasted too much time with his exgf without getting married. Your families will be mildly inconvenienced but will understand. Just do what you need to do, it will be ok




Yes, I know that self-awareness is not his strong suit. He is 30 and is REALLY eager to start a family. Especially when his brother and other men in his life are married with children. I feel like while he does love me, but part of him is doing this out of desperation. He feels like he is getting older and is itching to have children. ESTPs have this weird relationship with time, they feel like it slips from their fingers quickly. I have seen ESTPs with a more intellectual side, but they are rare. Most of them could care less about stuff like that. They just want to experience things. That's it. There is nothing wrong with that, in fact, I am like that in some ways. However, I need substance in my life.


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## rosered89 (Nov 12, 2013)

Sygma said:


> The being a coward part is your initial problem, and that include having a relationship to begin with. You knew straight from the start, didn't you ? and yet you didn't stand up.
> 
> *Walk on the path that will lead you to growth. Don't hide, don't text, simply have a discussion with him. A straightforward one. There's nothing to fear here.*




Why in the world would I pull a disappearing act?! It's not high school. When I get the balls to do this it won't be text or email. We're engaged, his family has met me. There is no way I would do such a thing. I have respect for the man even though I don't love him.


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## Inure Penumbra (May 13, 2012)

rosered89 said:


> Yes, I know that self-awareness is not his strong suit. He is 30 and is REALLY eager to start a family. Especially when his brother and other men in his life are married with children. I feel like while he does love me, but part of him is doing this out of desperation. He feels like he is getting older and is itching to have children. ESTPs have this weird relationship with time, they feel like it slips from their fingers quickly.


Yeah, i know right? They need to slow down and not cave to peer pressure. They're constantly measuring themselves against the people around them. 



rosered89 said:


> I have seen ESTPs with a more intellectual side, but they are rare.


I think that even the most intelligent ESTP wouldn't be able to handle an INFJ like you for whom depth is very important. I get along with my ESTP because we're both political, melodramatic, have similar values, and play video games (he plays action ones whereas i enjoy strategy). Hes clever but has a short attention span and can only hold an intellectual conversation for about 1 minute lol. I don't think he even reads. However I'm fine with that because personally i am more attracted to intensity than intelligence. So yeah I really think that you're not suited to an ESTP.


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## Inveniet (Aug 21, 2009)

rosered89 said:


> Thank You for your response. I feel guilty for letting this relationship get to the point that it has gotten to. Then again, I did not expect him to pop the question so quickly. I have been going back and forth on whether to tell him the honest truth, which is that I don't love him. But as you can imagine my Fe won't let me. I was leaning towards going in the direction you suggested here. I planned to tell him other things in our relationship I consider red flags and deal-breakers as reasons for a break-up, but not disclosing my lack of feelings for him. Some part of me felt like that was yet another cop-out from admitting the truth as it is, yet another side thought it was a brutal thing to say. I want to save him some face. It's humiliating enough we have to let EVERYONE in the family know what happened and that it was I who ended it.


Well I've seen worse from a certain INFJ I know IRL who after 3 years and a daughter of the same age,
just picked up and left an ESFJ without saying anything, having her dad come over and explain to him what was up.
Turns out she had just let it build over time keeping a little list over stuff that bugged her.
The list kept getting longer and longer.
If you think it is painful to not come clean now, just wait until wedding wows have been made and kids are in the house.
Consider yourself lucky that you figured it out this early.
Sure there is guilt, but all the more reason to not pile on more stuff to be guilty about.
Ask yourself if you are willing to burden your future self with that load X years down the road.
What happened happened, all you can control is now and have some influence on where the future goes.
Yes sure people will know who ended it, but again, you can either break a silly hasty engagement,
or you can break a marriage. That is two different levels of pain.
I hope you do the smart thing and chose the less painful option.


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## rosered89 (Nov 12, 2013)

hornet said:


> Well I've seen worse from a certain INFJ I know IRL who after 3 years and a daughter of the same age,
> just picked up and left an ESFJ without saying anything, having her dad come over and explain to him what was up.
> Turns out she had just let it build over time keeping a little list over stuff that bugged her.
> The list kept getting longer and longer.
> ...


As you know when we INFJs come to a decision, we carry it out. Thankfully, I have not made any wedding arrangements. Right now is not a matter of if but WHEN it will happen. My inquiry was not about whether to break the engagement or not, but more on how to do it.


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## rosered89 (Nov 12, 2013)

Inure Penumbra said:


> Yeah, i know right? They need to slow down and not cave to peer pressure. They're constantly measuring themselves against the people around them.
> 
> 
> 
> I think that even the most intelligent ESTP wouldn't be able to handle an INFJ like you for whom depth is very important. I get along with my ESTP because we're both political, melodramatic, have similar values, and play video games (he plays action ones whereas i enjoy strategy). Hes clever but has a short attention span and can only hold an intellectual conversation for about 1 minute lol. I don't think he even reads. However I'm fine with that because personally i am more attracted to intensity than intelligence. So yeah I really think that you're not suited to an ESTP.


I enjoy his company, and we always have fun. But I also need good conversation from him. I would probably do better with an ENFP or ENTP.


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## Inveniet (Aug 21, 2009)

rosered89 said:


> As you know when we INFJs come to a decision, we carry it out. Thankfully, I have not made any wedding arrangements. Right now is not a matter of if but WHEN it will happen. My inquiry was not about whether to break the engagement or not, but more on how to do it.


Ah I see my bad.. xD

Well I'm not sure if my advice on how is the best, as I see Fe as an obstacle more than anything.
Better to listen to a more diplomatic type then mine.
Go into the more Fe heavy subforums and ask for more correct advice maybe?

My approach would probably be like.
Yo dude this ain't working...Sooo I'm out.


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## angelfish (Feb 17, 2011)

I've never broken an engagement or even been through a breakup before, so I apologize for not having any good advice, but the N-S stereotype in this thread is really getting to me. Intelligent and intellectual are different things; having worthwhile thoughts and wanting to discuss poetry are two different things. It sounds like you have decided that you need to to break up with him, but I wish you'd stop insulting his intelligence. Calling him someone without a brain _is_ shallow, and it's not fair. Discussing literature doesn't make a person kinder, or wiser, or more worthwhile. I was friends with an ESTP who could run circles around me in terms of persuasion and business acumen, not to mention technical knowledge. I'm sure he wouldn't be into discussing literature, but that doesn't make him "not deep" or stupid.


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## shameless (Apr 21, 2014)

He is a ESTP he will get over it. 

You seen how he got over the ex! (Out with the old on with the new in 2 weeks). If theres anytype you could easily say your not feeling it with, I would think it would be an ESTP. 

Just be kind and tell him that you cannot get married and it just does not feel right. 

Want a tip to freak him out equally....
Discuss how forever is a long time (lol yeah sure fire way to scare the shit out of any SP is talking about forever LITERALLY together).


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## shameless (Apr 21, 2014)

rosered89 said:


> Yes, he is the typical ESTP. Works on his body constantly but not his mind. He takes me shooting and doing all of these sensory things, but I wonder when we'll get to do things I like. The more time passes by, the more this is eating at me. He deserves better than to marry someone who doesn't love him, regardless of whether he is smart or not. I have grown to care about him as a person, but it's not romantic love. *As you could imagine as an NF is crushing to know he'll be broken-hearted, not to mention the embarrassment with the family.....*


Your thinking of this from NF (trust me he will be fine-again reverting to the fact he rebounded with you after 2 weeks from the 8 yr relationship-not saying he wont feel hurt or pain but he will just go rebound it probably)


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## ENTPness (Apr 18, 2015)

It's pretty fucked up that you let the relationship get to the point where you actually accepted a proposal when you never even felt that much for him in the first place. Talk about taking passivity to the extreme. And now you're stuck in this awkward situation, I mean really, what were you planning on doing? Waiting until you were both in the old folks home and then telling him "You know, we've spent our lives together, but I just don't think we're a good fit?" I mean what was going through your mind when you said "yes?" It's one thing to try a relationship with someone you aren't sure about, but to not only let it keep going but to actually accept marriage... Yikes. Sorry, but 100% of my sympathy (outside of that "sorry") in this situation is reserved for him, and I'm not just saying that because we're the same gender and a similar type. One thing ESTPs do know well is that sometimes you have to take action and speak your mind. You've failed miserably on both counts.


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## ENTPness (Apr 18, 2015)

Inure Penumbra said:


> I think that even the most intelligent ESTP wouldn't be able to handle an INFJ like you for whom depth is very important.


Oh this is just ridiculously pretentious. Hemingway, Churchill, Both Roosevelts, Alexander the Great, etc. - you don't think these guys were intelligent? They're all far more intelligent than your average INFJ. (Or average any type.)


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## Inure Penumbra (May 13, 2012)

ENTPness said:


> Oh this is just ridiculously pretentious. Hemingway, Churchill, Both Roosevelts, Alexander the Great, etc. - you don't think these guys were intelligent? They're all far more intelligent than your average INFJ. (Or average any type.)


If you properly read my statement that you even quoted, you would see that i said that they lacked depth not intelligence. There is a reason I described ESTP as intelligent and INFJ as deep, the two qualities are not the same. My ESTP and I went to a high school for academically gifted students so clearly he is intelligent. What I am saying is that ESTPs will not concern themselves with impractical theoretical/imaginary matters such as literature that OP dearly values. 

ESTPs think quickly and go through a million conversation topics an hour, they are not suited to reading a thickass book and talking about it over a few days. As such, she being a particularly introverted INFJ would be more suited to an ENTP for example. Her relationship is already too sketchy and it is not entirely her fault that it turned out this way. Her fiance is obviously not thinking straight so its better for her to leave to find someone more compatible.

Also why did you only mention male ESTPs as intelligent role models? That is sexist BS. Frankly, I'm not surprised since you've been wholly sympathizing with OPs fiance this entire time.


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## Quernus (Dec 8, 2011)

...He sounds kinda dependent on being in a relationship. And yes a lot of red flags.

I'm not sure what to tell you, breaking up with someone always sucks unless you hate them. It's hard when you care about them and they're a good person. It's always best to be honest. You might want to keep things short and sweet, but I don't know. Depends on the person. I ended things with an ISTP, and I did it very suddenly without any warning signs (at least not signs they noticed, due to their obliviousness and lack of sensitivity). But it was hard to do, I rambled a lot... and they were like "ummmmmmmmmmmm". But after they requested the reason and provided very brief feedback, that was the end of that. I think I had a much harder time with it than they did.... 

You can't be responsible for his baggage or his feelings or his life. He might seek to move on very quickly, just like he did with his ex, so be prepared for that. You might feel erased. I think it's pretty common for xSTPs to be uncomfortable with strong emotion so they take a very out-of-sight out-of-mind, "compartmentalization" approach. Everyone's different though.

My reasons were similar to yours, I felt like they unintentionally disregarded a lot of thoughts on topics that were important to me on a very deep and emotional level. They made me laugh constantly but that's not enough. I had a damn hard time getting over them, but it was the right choice, and it sounds like it's the right choice for you as well. Just because they have wonderful traits that doesn't make them the right match (and that doesn't necessarily have to do with MBTI).


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## Sygma (Dec 19, 2014)

rosered89 said:


> I have respect for the man even though I don't love him.


So why in the hell did you dismiss all your first and accurate impressions then ? Is that truly respect if you knew that you wouldn't make it to the finish line but still accepted his proposal ? 

It's not. You said it yourself by the way. "Coward". So just be straightforward about it, face to face. There's nothing else to do, nor support to be given.


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## Rabid Seahorse (Mar 10, 2015)

rosered89 said:


> I have grown to care about him as a person, but it's not romantic love. As you could imagine as an NF is crushing to know he'll be broken-hearted, not to mention the embarrassment with the family.....


You sound exactly like an INFJ girl I dated before she broke up with me. :/

Do the right thing and tell him the truth before it keeps building up, no matter how much it hurts him. It's for the best of both of you.


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## ChkChkBoom (Nov 10, 2013)

End it swiftly and don't drag him along any longer. I'm not sure why you're holding it off, it's obvious what you need to do and there's no easy way to do it. My advice is next time, don't lead people on.


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## rosered89 (Nov 12, 2013)

ENTPness said:


> Oh this is just ridiculously pretentious. Hemingway, Churchill, Both Roosevelts, Alexander the Great, etc. - you don't think these guys were intelligent? They're all far more intelligent than your average INFJ. (Or average any type.)


I am sorry, but the vast majority of ESTPs I have known are not the most intelligent people. Ask them about politics, current events, or what they read, and they'll look at you with a blank look on their face. I went with my fiancé to see mission impossible, his reason for liking the film was that there was not much talking and a lot of action. If I ever hold a conversation with him about science or psychology, it's like his mind drifts off to another galaxy. That's ESTP depth for you.


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## Gurpy (Aug 8, 2014)

You said "yes" to a man that you don't love and now you want to break his heart, that is cold :cold:

You should be honest and direct and break up with him as soon as possible


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## Quernus (Dec 8, 2011)

hahaha ignore that I didn't realize I was replying to the OP


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## Matt The Martian (Jul 19, 2014)

The longer you wait, the harder it will be. You won't be able to escape this situation with no hard feelings. The thing now is don't let the engagement become more of a solidified concept. Not only is there him to consider, there is the inner circle that you both have expecting you guys to get married. End this now to lessen the burden on everyone else. This is a result of a decision you made, and now you have to fix it, otherwise it will be worse for him. I don't mean to sound preachy or bossy, but he has put a lot of false hope into you, and its not right to keep leading him on.


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## Wild (Jul 14, 2014)

rosered89 said:


> I am sorry, but the vast majority of ESTPs I have known are not the most intelligent people. Ask them about politics, current events, or what they read, and they'll look at you with a blank look on their face. I went with my fiancé to see mission impossible, his reason for liking the film was that there was not much talking and a lot of action. If I ever hold a conversation with him about science or psychology, it's like his mind drifts off to another galaxy. That's ESTP depth for you.


Ohhhhh lord, here it is again.

Seriously, you people need to stop with the S/N stereotypes. N doesn't stand for N-telligent, S doesn't stand for Stupid, so stop treating it that way. As an Se-dom myself, it's incredibly frustrating seeing our types be labeled as the shallow, sensation-chasing, uninhibited cheerleaders/fratboys that people have tried to stereotype us as over and over. And you know what? It's total BS. The people who started these stereotypes didn't really understand jack about typology, nor did they understand what it's _actually like_ to be an Se-dominant. I've questioned myself and been questioned about "actually being a sensor" so many times because I'm actually interested in some topics and like to talk about them. Maybe he didn't want to discuss "science or psychology" with you not because he's somehow dumber than you for being an S, but because he's - uhm - _not interested_ in either of those things? 

With that being said, it's totally possible that your ESTP is, in fact, a complete moron. Just don't nail that stereotype onto rest of us, would ya? I don't appreciate having my intelligence insulted for no reason other than I've been typed with an S instead of an N in some highly debatable psychological theory, thank you very much. 

Also, please watch this before you comment on ESTPs like that again:


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## Sygma (Dec 19, 2014)

rosered89 said:


> I am sorry, but the vast majority of ESTPs I have known are not the most intelligent people. Ask them about politics, current events, or what they read, and they'll look at you with a blank look on their face. I went with my fiancé to see mission impossible, his reason for liking the film was that there was not much talking and a lot of action. If I ever hold a conversation with him about science or psychology, it's like his mind drifts off to another galaxy. That's ESTP depth for you.


Oh please. Some people don't want to waste their time talking about the why and they're perfectly aware of what is in the movie, or why they did like it. You're a disgustingly arrogant peace of meat that now dare to call him "my fiancé", how admirable.

You said something along the "this is not high school anymore" yet you're unable to talk about these issues to him, and look at yourself in the mirror while doing so. You have no integrity and you lead him on, while he was probably more than happy to have a drama free relationship and probably interpretated your seemingly drifting moments as something that he lacked.

ESTP and ENTP are child of the same beast. They think they're unlovable little monsters, but ESTP won't question themselves all the time if you show that it's not the case.

He wanted to prove that he could be more serious and understanding, he certainly grasped that you needed depth and that's why he did the proposal. I'm sorry but if you can't even understand that, no wonder you think he's not smart enough. That said, with such an immature person that you are it would have been wonderful I bet.

Just end it. You went through it making him believe that he was a fit for you, now put yourself out there and take the "wow, that's pretty messed up" in the face, figuratively speaking.

Never put the problem on someone else's shoulder so you can feel better about it. That's what I meant with the "there's nothing to fear here". Because you have some settled in you, no matter how vindictively you're trying to prove that it is not the case.

@Wild : you da real mvp gurl


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## Coburn (Sep 3, 2010)

angelfish said:


> I've never broken an engagement or even been through a breakup before, so I apologize for not having any good advice, but the N-S stereotype in this thread is really getting to me. Intelligent and intellectual are different things; having worthwhile thoughts and wanting to discuss poetry are two different things. It sounds like you have decided that you need to to break up with him, but I wish you'd stop insulting his intelligence. Calling him someone without a brain _is_ shallow, and it's not fair. Discussing literature doesn't make a person kinder, or wiser, or more worthwhile. I was friends with an ESTP who could run circles around me in terms of persuasion and business acumen, not to mention technical knowledge. I'm sure he wouldn't be into discussing literature, but that doesn't make him "not deep" or stupid.


Glad someone pointed this out. It was beginning to piss me off.


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## shameless (Apr 21, 2014)

rosered89 said:


> I am sorry, but the vast majority of ESTPs I have known are not the most intelligent people. Ask them about politics, current events, or what they read, and they'll look at you with a blank look on their face. I went with my fiancé to see mission impossible, his reason for liking the film was that there was not much talking and a lot of action. If I ever hold a conversation with him about science or psychology, it's like his mind drifts off to another galaxy. That's ESTP depth for you.


WOW!

WTF? Of all the self righteous bull shit!

DO you actually read anything you write and take yourself seriously Uck gross. Yeah the other user hit it dead on, pretentious would be an accurate word for how this all comes across.

Ok so anyways I was trying to be kinder to you the first time around. But let me put it this way. He loves you right now only because you fraudulently portrayed yourself. Trust me when he realizes the wool was pulled over his eyes with his affections as a pawn so you could gratify your ego to feel intellectually superior, he will easily get over you. You give yourself too much self importance. Once he realizes your a sham and your affections are, haha trust me he will be moving on. I do not know him, but I do know you do not deserve him. For as much of a meat head as you think he is (because he does not need to mentally masturbate with you continually) at least he has not been leading a double life. 

I hope you find someone you can do your eat, prey (yeah I spelled it that way on purpose), love kumbaya BS with. Dear, your intuition deludes you. Back in the day I had an INFJ friend that spoke so much like you. She had to be one of the most full of shit people I ever encountered. I couldnt even tell you how many times she had talked down to me. Hmm guess what, I know she does not represent all INFJs. (My baby sis is INFJ and does not speak like you or fraud herself. Or others). So I know not to in anyway assume that all INFJs are like you or that stuck up ex friend I had. But yup theres certainly some bad apple stereotypes that apply for all types including yours. Enjoy the dark side of the moon. I personally would rather be a kind simple meat head then a self righteous fraudulent person. I always think of that pretentious ex INFJ friend when I hear this song. You should take a listen. Trust me he will get over you just fine, he will be startled and hurt and probably feel tricked, but he will get over you just fine if he is an ESTP. 

One more thing sorry girl regardless of type, none of what you had to say came off as all that intellectual. 
The mocked version of how you come off vs how you see yourself "Like omg, like I like (twirls hair) I like like books and like some psychology and stuff, we went to see like a movie and he did not even want to like talk about it like with me" (So transparent). Like OMG. I like, like books and stuff, and he just like, likes exercise, I mean like whats up with that. Like its cool for me to join him in like a 5k marathon to advertise like my humanity and like depth, and like eat PREY love philosophy but like, he like actually likes to do it when nobody is looking, like he must totally not like be smart or like something. 

(Like totally like transparent. )

(Right  )


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## The_Wanderer (Jun 13, 2013)

Coward, it's two damn words. Stop fussing over and say them: "It's over".



rosered89 said:


> If I ever hold a conversation with him about science or psychology, it's like his mind drifts off to another galaxy. That's ESTP depth for you.


Why do supposedly "deep" people so often display the "depth" of a 2x4? As you have experience doing this, I ask you to answer the question for this "shallow" guy.


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## PaladinX (Feb 20, 2013)

rosered89 said:


> Let it be known that I am fully aware that not being in love with him is more than enough reason to leave him. The thing is, I don't seem to muster the courage to do it. I feel like a coward. *He was strung along by his last serious girlfriend of eight years, and I don't want to be the next one to do the same.* I guess being close to 30, I am starting to itch about finding a soul mate and starting a family. But when I look at him, I can't see us ever being anything close to that. It is very difficult to admit this to myself, but I was about to "settle" for him. I tried to fit a square peg into a round hole on this one. We are incompatible in so many ways, but the biggest thing for me is the lack of stimulating conversation. As an ESTP, my fiancé could care less about literature and having intellectual discussions with me. As shallow as I sometimes think it sounds, I need someone with a brain inside their head. As I mentioned previously, he has a good heart, but intelligence Is not his forte. I feel the relationship is missing something I need by lacking this factor.


Haven't you been pretty much been doing that already? lol how deep to lead a guy on for half a year... 

You might as well just do it and get it over with. Give you both a chance to move on in life. The longer you wait, the harder it's going to be.



> Also, I have this gut feeling he is also rushing into this. I found out not long after we got engaged that we became official TWO WEEKS after his break up with his ex. I confronted him about this and his answer was that the breakup was a long time coming, and he had fallen out of love with her. Personally, I don't think you can heal the wounds of an 8-year relationship in two weeks. But what do I know. Anyways, I could sit here typing all night about all the red flags in our relationship. If anyone has any advice on how to end things gracefully with him and notify both our families, I would really appreciate some answers from people. I have all of these thoughts in my head but I can't seem to muster the courage to do the inevitable.


This seems irrelevant. What is the arbitrary amount of time that one should wait between lovers? I could fall out and in love with in another in under a week. 

FWIW, I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting or needing depth and intelligence from a potential mate. Everyone has different needs/wants/likes/dislikes. I wouldn't paint such a broad brush on a given personality type though. Extraverts vs Introverts - breadth vs depth. Not sure if you're necessarily going to find a lot of depth from an ENxP.


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## Reluctanine (May 11, 2014)

rosered89 said:


> If anyone has any advice on how to end things gracefully with him and notify both our families, I would really appreciate some answers from people. I have all of these thoughts in my head but I can't seem to muster the courage to do the inevitable.


She’s asking how to end things. 

So, here’s what I would say if I were in your situation:

“I’m sorry, but I have come to realise I am truly not in love with you. I think that getting married to you would be a wrong move for the two of us to make. So, I would like to call off the engagement. I know that you value marriage and building a life together highly, and I hope that you find the woman who truly loves you and that you truly love back to do it with. I do not wish for either of us to carry on when there are no feelings on my part, because it is unfair to you and me as well. I wish you all the best in future.”

To his family:

“I’m sorry, but I have come to realise that marriage between the two of us would not be the right move.”

To your family:

“I realised that marriage between the two of us would not be the right move.”

Depending on how close you are to them, you can choose how much of your feelings you are comfortable with disclosing. 

For these kinds of situations, the lesser said to outsiders of the relationship, the better. Especially when it comes to his family, since it can get messy or his pride could get hurt. Just keep it short, truthful, and direct. Even if they press you for more, just say, “I’m sorry, but that’s all I would like to say about it.” If he wants to tell them more, let him. That’s his choice, since they are his family. But don’t defend yourself, or attack him, because when it comes to matters of the heart and what you feel about each other, there is no true right and wrong. Just a lot of grey. You can only make the choice that feels right to you now and that is right for him now.


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## sweetraglansweater (Jul 31, 2015)

Graceful exit? That time has passed. You got engaged to a man and led his family on. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and end it already.


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## ENTPness (Apr 18, 2015)

sweetraglansweater said:


> Graceful exit? That time has passed. You got engaged to a man and led his family on. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and end it already.


When even the INFP is telling you to stop wallowing in self-pity and take action, you know it's time to act.


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## Chris Merola (Jul 11, 2014)

Are you really going to sit here and accuse your partner of being shallow when you are showing typist ignorance at every corner?

People who constantly assert their depth and intelligence over others at every given opportunity are often sorely lacking in said qualities.


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