# Stressed INTJ boyfriend completely shutting me out.



## Lenny (Oct 30, 2018)

Hello,


I am in bit of need for advise. Most of my friends just brush it off saying my bf is a douche and I deserve better but it is never that simple. 

Here is my story:

I am dating this INTJ man for almost two years now. It is long distance but we manage. He started his residancy this july and I realize he would be busy like crazy working 16hrs a day, life and death situations, etc. I am not needy nor do I need constantly reassurance from his side but some attention now and then would be nice but atm it is nothing. For a few weeks now he is distant and cool in his messages. Barely asking about me or giving me any sign of affection. All I basically hear is that he is too busy to do anything much and I believe he struggles a lot with never having much time to himself. 
So far, I understand. But I have not heared from a word in 2 weeks. No text, no call, no nothing. He reads my messages but he isn't responding. And I did tell him that I can't keep doing this forever and that he needs to make it clear where we stand. Basically I asked him to either give me closure or tell me to hold on. 

No response. We went from "I love you" to nothing in roughtly 2 weeks. Please help me understand this. I am very upset by this and it makes no sense cause he is always very honest and blunt with me. Silent treatment is unusual for him. 
He also had the past week off work and I did not hear from him. 



Thank you


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## starscream430 (Jan 14, 2014)

Lenny said:


> Hello,
> 
> 
> I am in bit of need for advise. Most of my friends just brush it off saying my bf is a douche and I deserve better but it is never that simple.
> ...


As a person who is technically classed as an INTJ and am trying to get a career in medicine (currently working at a clinic), your boyfriend is possibly going through a lot of stress due to residency. It's tough on both the body and the mind. The hospital pretty much owns your soul - something that reminds me of the demonic visage the titular setting donned during an episode of Scrubs.

Shutting down and being distant is one way an INTJ can stereotypically recover from stress. Maybe try and give him a call. Meet for a lunch or dinner to lay your your grievances. Whether he is stressed or not, being in a relationship is a responsibility and your boyfriend should understand that it has to be maintained to some degree, despite the hellish environment that is residency. 

Maybe some compromises can be made since this sort of issue will arise over time in the medical career since it (depending on the specialty he took) pretty much eats your life, affecting familial and parental relationships in exchange for work responsibilities.


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## Lenny (Oct 30, 2018)

Hello and thank you for your reply.

I can't just go over to his house or for coffee since it is long distance. :/ 

I understand how it takes his toll on him, I have always been supporting him no matter what he went through. The interviews, the travelling, the exams. I am very understanding and very supportive and I have often put his needs above mine. He knows that I am not needy but if I say: Attention, NOW. Then I really need it to keep going. And I claimed attention and that means in my world, a text. So really the minimum. And he isn't doing it. 

He is ignoring everything I send. He reads it, but he doesn't respond. And I have been asking him for clarificatin towards me. Twice. In a very simple way that would only require him to say yes or no. Nope. No response. I am really upset by this, very unusual for him to treat me like this, especially with having a week off work. 

Probably time to face the fact he just simply doesn't care anymore. ><


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## Necrofantasia (Feb 26, 2014)

Lenny said:


> Hello,
> 
> 
> I am in bit of need for advise. Most of my friends just brush it off saying my bf is a douche and I deserve better but it is never that simple.
> ...



That last bit doesn't look good at all...

As gross as this sounds, if he has time to hit the can, he has time to text "Can't respond right now". Even while he's doing the former. He certainly has time to check his phone, that much you know. 

But unless you have someone else in the wings, all you can do is stay put. Put this relationship on the shelf, treat it as dead for your own sanity. Try to focus on other stuff, give him a month. If you don't get any signs of life from him, that should confirm he's done. 

If it turns out he needed to de-stress that entire week off, he kinda deserves to be dumped for not communicating properly IMO...


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## contradictionary (Apr 1, 2018)

Lenny said:


> Hello,
> 
> 
> I am in bit of need for advise. Most of my friends just brush it off saying my bf is a douche and I deserve better but it is never that simple.
> ...


For what he does i agree he is somewhat a douche but still your friend do not deserve his kind roud:

Niweis sometime i'm also a douche, in similar situation, and the more people chase me the more i shut my door.

So here's my take, bite your lips and leave him alone. Zero. Full silence.

Have faith, usually in 1 week afterward he will be the one looking for you. If not, leave him for good.

_Sent sans PC_


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## Lenny (Oct 30, 2018)

Oh I have no heared from him in 2+ weeks. Only reads my messages. Which makes no sense at all. If he truly wanted me gone....I he would say so and block me. 

I am staying away atm. Last message I send was my halloween pumpkin. No text.


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## Surreal Snake (Nov 17, 2009)

If you want him in your life back off. Looks like he needs his space. Though he is being rude not messaging you. I wouldn’t put up with that


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## Lenny (Oct 30, 2018)

Yeah I am done for now. Unless I get super drunk...I won't reach out. I came to peace with this now. There is nothing I can do. It is his turn now and it is absolutely his loss if he is going to end it like this. Cause I am an awesome girlfriend.


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## starscream430 (Jan 14, 2014)

Nell said:


> That last bit doesn't look good at all...
> 
> As gross as this sounds, if he has time to hit the can, he has time to text "Can't respond right now". Even while he's doing the former. He certainly has time to check his phone, that much you know.
> 
> ...





Lenny said:


> Hello and thank you for your reply.
> 
> I can't just go over to his house or for coffee since it is long distance. :/
> 
> ...


Tying these two conversations together, I think Nell has a good point. Busy or not, ignoring your support and the relationship as a whole is starting to paint the picture that...well...it might be done. 

If you want supportive physician significant others, there are tons of those in the real world. If he doesn't appreciate the bond that you and him share, maybe it's time to throw the gauntlet down and move onto greener pastures.


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## starscream430 (Jan 14, 2014)

Lenny said:


> Yeah I am done for now. Unless I get super drunk...I won't reach out. I came to peace with this now. There is nothing I can do. It is his turn now and it is absolutely his loss if he is going to end it like this. Cause I am an awesome girlfriend.


That's definitely a way to think about it. As I said, there are many physicians who are supportive and nice. If he doesn't appreciate that, then he's a fool and deserves the gauntlet thrown in his face.

A relationship is a responsibility after all - if he doesn't fulfill his end of the bargain, then he doesn't deserve the relationship.


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## xwsmithx (Jan 17, 2017)

Lenny said:


> Hello,
> 
> I am in bit of need for advise. Most of my friends just brush it off saying my bf is a douche and I deserve better but it is never that simple.
> 
> ...


I second contradictionary's advice, just go dead silent, no texts, no calls, no e-mails. Wait for him to make the next move. If he doesn't, then you have your answer. I kind of have mixed feelings about it... the fact that he's still reading your texts and not blocking your number means he doesn't want you gone, but it's not good that he's not responding at all, not even a, "Not now, babe," kind of thing. The only thing I can guess is that you just got a little too needy/pushy and he's holding you at arm's length, not willing to engage and not willing to push you away. The only thing to do in that case is to pull back and hope he falls toward you.

Edit to add: If he does respond, keep cool. You don't want to seem so needy and desperate that he goes back to silent mode immediately.


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## Lenny (Oct 30, 2018)

Thank you all so much. It really really helps. I got a busy weekend ahead, so I will respond more sunday. Enjoy your weekend!


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## Kn0wB34 (Sep 2, 2016)

Lenny said:


> So far, I understand. But I have not heared from a word in 2 weeks. No text, no call, no nothing. He reads my messages but he isn't responding. *And I did tell him that I can't keep doing this forever and that he needs to make it clear where we stand. Basically I asked him to either give me closure or tell me to hold on.
> 
> No response. *We went from "I love you" to nothing in roughtly 2 weeks. Please help me understand this. I am very upset by this and it makes no sense cause he is always very honest and blunt with me. Silent treatment is unusual for him.
> *He also had the past week off work and I did not hear from him. *
> ...



Seems like a clear indicator about possibly needing to end things soon if circumstances do not change. You've already articulated this issue, yet he didnt seem seem to take heed to such a thing. Then, he had a week off and still no a word or response? Unless, he spent that week just sleeping away or what not?

You could perhaps stop resorting to texting and mostly stick to making only phone calls to him here and there to check in on things. I honestly don't care for texting most of the time. And quite often, some people have worried about me since I tend not [to initiate] texts or calls. But , if I receive a call from someone who I really care for, then 95% of the time I _will_ pick up or will return the call. That said, the zero response rate from your boyfriend seems vague.

Additionally, he could also be bogged down with residency. When I was working on my Masters, I barely was motivated to have a social life. My studies, doing hours of commuting with no car, and having late night classes were rather consuming. Then, on the other hand, your situation is also long distance. Sometimes when you do long distance, you become less of a [prioritized connection] due to not being near the person and not being seen on a frequent basis. Of course, there are many who do fine with long distance. But, I only speak from my personal experience when it comes to that. 


Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk


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## ArtXie (Jun 5, 2018)

Honestly, I would just cut it off. I know that's hard, but I feel so much disrespect from him to you. If he has time to open a text message and read it, he has time to type at least one thing. I understand residency is hard, but I don't think that's an excuse for how he's acting. I also don't like long distance. I tried, but I don't think it works in the end- ESPECIALLY without proper communication. And you're not getting any. What's the point? You feel horrible and he is ignoring you. At this point, you could find another person in real life that could make you much happier. I hate it when people ignore me like that. Respect me enough to communicate or get out. The only way I would ever take your boyfriend back is if he profusely apologizes and really makes it up to you. But if it happens again, no. Bye. Learn from your mistakes but don't keep making the same mistakes over and over. 

Hope that helped! Sorry if it sounded really mean, I just felt so upset when reading your whole situation. Good luck! <3


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## Lenny (Oct 30, 2018)

Hello,


thank you all for your responses. I am thinking about every single one of them. Like I already said, I am going to stop messaging/calling. I am just going to do me now. It will resolve into either me moving on or him getting his head out of his butt. I can live with both options but like already pointed out....things will have to change. He can't go into hiding everytime he is stressed out like this. That is the third time he is putting me through this, just never been this bad. And every time he got past it, he was truly shocked about the effect it had on me. I do believe he is somehow stuck and for him that means he is shutting down. That is not very fair and I will not tolerate it anymore.


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## openend (Nov 4, 2018)

IF you can live with both options and you feel like nothing is missing, then he is not the one


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## Lenny (Oct 30, 2018)

openend said:


> IF you can live with both options and you feel like nothing is missing, then he is not the one


Hello, I thank you for your response but that is a pretty cruel response. It is never just that simple, is it?


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## openend (Nov 4, 2018)

Unfortunately it is. Both cruel and simple.

Take someone like you. Make him go through hell for you and if he will still stick around, reward him with eternal commitment and excitement.

All the best.


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## Lenny (Oct 30, 2018)

openend said:


> Unfortunately it is. Both cruel and simple.
> 
> Take someone like you. Make him go through hell for you and if he will still stick around, reward him with eternal commitment and excitement.
> 
> All the best.


Thank you but this is not who I am. Best of luck to you!


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## Zidane (Sep 9, 2015)

Sounds like he's not interested in you (anymore?). Why would you wanna be with this guy anyway, if he's such an asshole? People say "busy, work", etc., but honestly, anyone can type a few letters on his cellphone even at work. So that's a ridiculous excuse, esp. when he had a week off :/. So much bad advice given here imo. You've given him space enough. If he wants more space, why not go live in the international space station?


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## superloco3000 (Dec 15, 2017)

Well ... I don't think Intj are good at ghosting people . probabily you need to forget about that person.


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## Amyra (Sep 20, 2018)

Lenny said:


> Hello,
> 
> 
> I am in bit of need for advise. Most of my friends just brush it off saying my bf is a douche and I deserve better but it is never that simple.
> ...


Stop texting him. If he would have cared for you, then he would have told you that he can't text for few days. His not replying to your messages show that where do you stand in his life. 

You definitely dont deserve this kind of disrespect. Stop texting/calling him. If I were you, I would move on. Its upto you how much you want to tolerate this kind of disrespecting guy. 

Typing a simple message "cant talk right now" would only take few seconds. Thats an excuse that he is stressed. His not replying to your messages at all shows that where do you stand in his life. It shows what is your importance in his life. Even if he is not breaking up with you, but still this kind of disrespect shouldn't be tolerable (according to me). Two weeks is a very long time.


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## Coonsy (Dec 22, 2010)

Being an INTJ has nothing with how he is treating you. Yes, I'm sure he is stressed, and needs some time to recouperate, but if he's in a relationship, it is UP TO HIM to communicate this with you. Long distance is always tough, even with the strongest of couples. Residency is tough even with the strongest of couples. 

Set up a time to chat with him, and I would very plainly state your needs (ie, you need him to communicate, or set up specific times to talk, or whatever). Ask him if he can live with your needs. If not, or if he doesn't follow through with what he promises, chances are, you'll need to move on.

I HATE ghosting and find it to be extremely rude if you have been on more than one or two dates with someone. So, if you two are still on speaking terms, let him know how you feel and go from there. Be prepared to call it off.


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## Sacrophagus (Jul 17, 2015)

openend said:


> Unfortunately it is. Both cruel and simple.
> 
> Take someone like you. Make him go through hell for you and if he will still stick around, reward him with eternal commitment and excitement.
> 
> All the best.



You're out of your mind. Most NTJs don't like to be tested. 
In my worst, I will see through you and purposely fail that test for you have no trust in our relationship. If I decided to pass the test, I will decline your eternal commitment that came as cheap as that. 

In my best, I will omit what I saw out of mercy and playfully let you know that I am not one to be tested ever again.


Let the circumstances test your bond and reveal what you are both made of.


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## Sacrophagus (Jul 17, 2015)

Concerning OP, if he can't answer a simple question with yes or no, all the compassion and empathy in the world won't satisfy your mind to fill in the blanks with your own interpretation of his reality. He speaks for himself, and so do his actions. 

I know that if he was clear about his intentions, you would give him all the support in the world. I'm also pretty sure you're thinking about giving him that support. Do not do that at the expense of yourself. He's treating you like shit. All rationalization of his behavior is null and dull. 

Let him know that you will no longer treat yourself like that and that you wish him good luck in his endeavors.


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## MaysInfectious (May 31, 2018)

You sound young, so it's best to just move on. If you're having a hard time doing that. Then ask yourself these honest questions.

1- Is there something about him that you NEED and subsequently want to have in the long run. (examples - money, sex skills, secrets about you that you wouldn't tell another soul, etc)?

2- Are you generally okay with the fact that he will have down times like this in the foreseeable future that warrant being treated like just some random play thing...again ( see your answers from question 1)?

3- Has your family and friends accepted this person as "The One" for you on your current journey through life?

4- Are you actually hurt mentally to the point that you'd hurt yourself physically by this level of emotional betrayal? (see a professional or talk to your parents asap)

If you can't positively answer any of these questions. You need to delete him from your life and move on. I'm sure you have other men (or women?) in your life that are capable of giving you the attention you'd need or want without the emotional roller coaster attached. But also just going back to my initial point, if you are young (<25) then it's a waste of time getting caught up on people who are wasting your time.


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