# What makes some people not fit in, in society?



## Children Of The Bad Revolution (Oct 8, 2013)

I've thought about this for a long time. Just recently, I have gone back to college to take a course as an 'Adult Learner'. Tons of memories came flooding back to me, as it was the same college I first went to when moving on from compulsory schooling. I sat and watched other kids and noticed most people in the area were in large groups. Hardly any I saw sat down by themselves.

It gets me thinking, especially from my own experiences, what could make someone not fit in (not necessary popular) in college? Especially considering these institutions are filled with much more diverse, different people than in compulsory education...it makes me puzzled as to think why one would be a loner or not make any friends in the masses of people who are different and could share the same interests.

I went to college with the same group of friends I had left school with. I don't remember making many new friends at college, I definitely never attracted a large crowd. What does it take for someone to be a big crowd pleaser? Can someone who is considered "quiet" or "shy" still be a integral part of a large social group? 

My pondering is also extended to the wider society. Some people you may see walking or sitting by themselves all the time. Why is it nobody takes the time to talk to them? What trait could they have that may be deemed by society as unfriendly or 'odd' or 'uncool'? 

I've read many theories as to why someone may "naturally" be a loner. You may be too loud, too talkative, too quiet, too shy, too weird, too fat etc for people to socialize with you. Some groups may consider opening their circle to certain people but not others. Why do you think that is? It genuinely perplexes me the selection at play..

(Mods please feel free to move this thread if it's in the wrong section?..)


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## Hollow Man (Aug 12, 2011)

For me, I guess I don't always look too approachable, and I do seem fairly serious a lot of times. It takes a lot for me to focus as well, and it's important for me to pay attention during lectures and that sort of thing. 

I guess I just feel I lack having too much to say, and sometimes I don't like it when people feel the need to share so much. So, I like to sit alone, and kind of try to focus on what matters more. Though I do like to interact with people at the same time at times, but at college in particular and sometimes even at jobs, I just feel it's important to focus on the task at hand instead of idle chit chat. 

I remember once, I took a class with my old girlfriend, and I get really frustrated because I wanted to focus on the lecture...and she was writing me notes and I just wasn't too interested...it was awkward too because another friend of ours was in the class as well...I was kind of embarassed about it in front of him...LOL....because there was some flirtations in it and even a fight at one time in one of the notes (ending with an "I'm sorry") Haha...leave that personal shit at home I say...I want to learn. Ah...wow, there was a time where I had a peer group....interesting concept...  

However, more often than not, I enjoyed kind of going and taking college classes solo, and focusing...you may become the winner without the social chain bullshit...and you're just being yourself....


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## dragthewaters (Feb 9, 2013)

My college was WAY less diverse than my high school, both in terms of demographics and in terms of personalities of people there. There were 20,000 people there, but I just didn't find many people who I had much of anything in common with. I tried to socialize with people who I didn't have anything in common with, but eventually it would become too mutually annoying. I mean what is there to talk about if neither of you share any of the same interests?

I found the grad students to be a lot more fun to hang out with, and I had a few grad student friends and acquaintances, but most of them graduated at the end of my sophomore year. But they also tended to work 12 hours a day, 6 days a week, so I couldn't even hang out with them very often. And it's not like we had any of the same classes or anything, obviously.

One thing I've noticed about a lot of "high-achieving" college students is that they tend to talk about class and schoolwork...ALL the time. And not even about stuff like "Hey look at this cool article I found that is relevant to what we're learning right now!" but it's all the most banal stuff like "What was the answer to number 3?" and "I can't believe I have three exams next week!" and "Here is a detailed analysis of the merits of Biochemistry Professor A versus Biochemistry Professor B." It makes my head want to explode. I work at a college now and I see the students there doing the same thing. Doesn't anybody have anything else going on in their brains?

On the other hand I made tons of friends in my hometown when I came back to visit during breaks and summers, and of course I maintained friendships with many of my old friends from high school. So it wasn't anything wrong with my personality, I don't think.


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## Kyusaku (Mar 18, 2014)

@Children Of The Bad Revolution

Smiling helps the most, it eases people, and though they might not come talk to you right away, opportunities for engaging conversations arise rather fast. I'm a loner myself, crowds, but even single persons, are like a constant strain of energy. That's why I try to save as much energy in my relations to others, so standing out visually, giving out an nonthreatening, pleasant aura helps attracting people, or at least accept you more readily when you initiate conversation. They don't see you as a random person, they can identify you among the crowd, and with a favorable opinion.


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## Scrabbletray (Apr 27, 2014)

1. Not having the adequate social skills to fit in with a group.

2. Not having enough in common with any given group to fit in easily with them. Being abnormal is bad for making friends, but usually even the weirdos have their own group. However, if you don't even fit into that one then you've pretty much nowhere to go.


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## Kingdom Crusader (Jan 4, 2012)

I definitely cannot speak for everyone. But I'm naturally a lone wolf. It really resonates with me when I read this about my type, due to my functional stack. I'll sit by myself most of the time, besides the times I have my son with me. 

I just think that some of us feel much more comfortable this way.


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## Sunn (Mar 12, 2014)

Children Of The Bad Revolution said:


> I've thought about this for a long time. Just recently, I have gone back to college to take a course as an 'Adult Learner'. Tons of memories came flooding back to me, as it was the same college I first went to when moving on from compulsory schooling. I sat and watched other kids and noticed most people in the area were in large groups. Hardly any I saw sat down by themselves.
> 
> It gets me thinking, especially from my own experiences, what could make someone not fit in (not necessary popular) in college? Especially considering these institutions are filled with much more diverse, different people than in compulsory education...it makes me puzzled as to think why one would be a loner or not make any friends in the masses of people who are different and could share the same interests.
> 
> ...


Social norms and moor's. If you don't fit the mold' you don't fit in the groups and some people just genuinely don't have groups they easily fit into. They're their own individuals, I don't believe there's really anything to ponder. If you don't have socially acceptable traits for a group they disbar you. The only thing that changes from group to group is what's socially acceptable or not' so I'd say it's learning which groups are which.


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## General Lee Awesome (Sep 28, 2014)

Im not super social, and do not like to have a lot of friends. I can be very sociable when I am interacting with people. I come across as very outgoing. I tend to deal best with people at an arm's length xD until I found some really good people to be close to . 

I guess I can also be shy?


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## ENTJudgement (Oct 6, 2013)

Heres a brief list (example) of social norms.

Good looking = good.
Rich = good.
Stylish/trendy = good.
Smart = good.
Athletic = good.
Funny/sense of humor = good.
Social/outgoing = good.
Likes to have fun = good.

So obviously without thinking, the opposite of those traits = unpopular.

Ugly + poor + no style/wearing outdated clothing, dumb, unfit/fat/obese, lame/too serious, too introverted/anti social and doesn't like having fun is your one way ticket into unpopularity.

Simple & straight forward? Very.


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## General Lee Awesome (Sep 28, 2014)

ENTJudgement said:


> Heres a brief list (example) of social norms.
> 
> Good looking = good.
> Rich = good.
> ...


Good


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## dragthewaters (Feb 9, 2013)

a1b2c3d4 said:


> 2. Not having enough in common with any given group to fit in easily with them. Being abnormal is bad for making friends, but usually even the weirdos have their own group. However, if you don't even fit into that one then you've pretty much nowhere to go.


This is pretty much me. I can fit in with the weirdos enough to be friends with them. But they don't really GET me on a deeper level. Their brains work much differently from mine. So it's like we're friends, but our lives only kind of overlap at the margins, instead of being fully in each others' lives.

I've only met a few people who I can say are from "the group of people that I fit into," but I've met all of them randomly in different circumstances so they're not a cohesive "friend group."


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## Children Of The Bad Revolution (Oct 8, 2013)

ENTJudgement said:


> Heres a brief list (example) of social norms.
> 
> Good looking = good.
> Rich = good.
> ...


I'm not talking about being popular. I'm talking about fitting into any group. There are some groups that have a variety of different looking people in with different interests so that interests me how they can find a common ground.


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## ENTJudgement (Oct 6, 2013)

Children Of The Bad Revolution said:


> I'm not talking about being popular. I'm talking about fitting into any group. There are some groups that have a variety of different looking people in with different interests so that interests me how they can find a common ground.


The idea that you can fit into any group is already illogical. If you look at a vein diagram, you want to be inside the middle circle where the 2 bigger circles merge but when there are billions of different circles, theres no way they can all merge.

If you really want to fit into ALL groups then u must put on a mask, and a damn good one at that, study/identify what each group likes and act as that person, its pretty simple but why would you want to do that?

I.E Group A loves to work out, to fit in, all you have to do is go to the gym everyday, get huge and talk about how to bulk and cut more efficiently.

If Group B loves to read and share thoughts then enter their book club, read all the books they recommend and provide input.

The theory is simple but if you don't like to workout or read, why would you want to fit into that particular group to begin with?


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## Wellsy (Oct 24, 2011)

Being non-normative.
Some of these can also be time based, having children isn't in itself unusual depending on when has them but having them "early" or "late" is deemed non-normative, same as any other normative life event we're expected to possibly fulfill.
Like when on average are people have children, when are they entering and exiting levels of education, when are they marrying, where are their careers heading to.
If one acts differently to one's peer group it can have them left out as there isn't a common experience to which to bond.
It isn't an all encompassing perspective though. 

But I suppose you got to try and ask the right questions and think how you'd answer it.
Perhaps your question is what kinds of people end up with a smaller social network then others at different stages in life? Some of that would be like I mentioned above of not being part of normative life events, so if you went to college but were a little older. But I imagine you're not so dramatically different so I imagine factors you'd be interested in are probably more inclined to individual differences through personality. 
I think one's body language, re-activeness and pro-activeness can determine whether they become acquainted with others. I personally tend to fall into situations in which someone else more social than me initiates and I'm pleasant enough company they find it fine to continuously converse with me when I'm around. I'm just not much of a talker though I'm friendly enough to keep a conversation going somewhat. 
I also think I come off positively by the fact that I seem to smile and laugh naturally more than some, think this makes social interactions more smooth than with the more stoic and anxious.


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## Schizoid (Jan 31, 2015)

Mostly social anxiety.

I had a bit of this in me and I seemed to have difficulty fitting in with people everywhere I go.
Social situations usually require someone to initiate, but people with anxiety often have difficulty initiating with people. Most of my friendships as well as relationships are usually initiated by the other person. So when nobody initiates with me, I am basically alone by myself.


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## knife (Jul 10, 2013)

I had a terrible time trying to fit in both in high school and in college. I think this was because I had already realized, from the very onset of puberty, that I was _different_ from everybody else somehow--but kept trying to escape it--which ironically made my differences more marked. In other words, I couldn't accept me for me, and on top of that I had severe social anxiety which made it difficult to reach out (in fact, reaching out continues to be something I struggle with IRL).

To tell ya the truth, it's only been recently that I've realized the extent of my misfit nature and how deeply I was in denial about it. _After_ I graduated college, in fact. In some ways I'm still an adolescent (yes, even at 27) -- I allowed my self-denial to stunt my emotional growth for a very, very long time.


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## Loaf (Mar 27, 2014)

Who wants to fit in? I don't, as the majority of society are mindless sheep.


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## Popinjay (Sep 19, 2011)

It's so funny...I started a thread about Not Fitting In in the General Chat area yesterday (not seeing this one) and redacted it because I felt it was too personal.

I have a vicious cycle of thinking I'm fundamentally flawed, saying screw you all for rejecting me, becoming lonely, embracing lies (e.g. I'm smarter than everyone else, more talented, more gifted, more empathetic, etc.), realizing the lies are lies, and returning back to fundamentally flawed feeling worse than when I started.


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## General Lee Awesome (Sep 28, 2014)

its hard for introverts to fit in an extroverted sociality


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## General Lee Awesome (Sep 28, 2014)

its funny that people who responded are mostly introverts xD


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## shameless (Apr 21, 2014)

When I was at the University I was what they call a non traditional student. 

I started at um I think 22. So most of my college peers were 18. 

I was a single mom that already had undesired life experience. I did not personally relate to my college peers as most of them seemed to take a lot for granted. I was there trying to amend a lot of prior bad life choices. I felt awkward and uncomfortable in regards to the socializing aspect. 

Honestly tho on many levels the entire process was foreign to me. I was the first of my immediate family to attend college and I enrolled on my own accord with no help. I didn't live in dorms or around the socialization. While other people referenced clubs, events, activities, and parties, my realty was concerning myself with babysitters, budgets, and time management. I did not particularly have the most conducive support system or encouragement so I was left to my own devices. 

Also it was always so much fun being in intro sociology classes and having topics on statistics of things I came from on a personal level and listen to people theorize about things in a matter of a fact way completely removed from the experience often in a naive judging manner. 

Also there was the fact that I am not academically inclined. I separate that from intelligence. I had to work twice as hard to achieve C/B average to what most of my 'peers' highly surpassed me in. I moved a lot and had always been a failing student and specially in math/science was years behind the curve. So even tho I was a sponge for absorbing what I was learning I couldn't translate it at the level of my peers in essays or tests. 

Anyways I answered why I was specifically not a candidate to fit in such an environment. All that said I loved college. I guess because I appreciated the knowledge I thought many took for granted or pretentious. Because I worked really hard to be there and learn. It was also a positive distraction.

But summing up to answer outside my experience is that I did not relate to my peers. If you do not relate to your peers your not likely going to be around the same environments.


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## Clyme (Jul 17, 2014)

Children Of The Bad Revolution said:


> I've thought about this for a long time. Just recently, I have gone back to college to take a course as an 'Adult Learner'. Tons of memories came flooding back to me, as it was the same college I first went to when moving on from compulsory schooling. I sat and watched other kids and noticed most people in the area were in large groups. Hardly any I saw sat down by themselves.
> 
> It gets me thinking, especially from my own experiences, what could make someone not fit in (not necessary popular) in college? Especially considering these institutions are filled with much more diverse, different people than in compulsory education...it makes me puzzled as to think why one would be a loner or not make any friends in the masses of people who are different and could share the same interests.
> 
> ...


Society is composed of rules, both written and unwritten. These rules are social norms which the members of society seek to conform to. We're taught to conform from a very young age, through our families, through our peer-groups, through our school, through our work, through our governments, and so on and so forth. We're taught the rules of society, such as to stand a certain distance away from somebody when speaking to them ("personal space"). Different societies have different rules, and those who conform belong to an unwritten "in" group. We're rewarded by society for conforming, and punished for not conforming. The purpose of conformity is to maintain some form of social order.

Now, people who deviate from social norms become less desirable to most people. If the status quo is to conform, then it becomes a sort of game to point out those who don't. Families and friends will discuss with one another how weird the lack of conformity is while reassuring themselves that they're part of the "in" group. Somebody may spit in public and others will look in disgust, not because there's anything inherently wrong with it, but because it has been socially agreed upon that spitting in public is "bad". The more somebody deviates from society, the more they start to become labeled as a deviant. Society has developed labels for people that deviate because it makes it easier to point out that they're not "one of us". These labels may be things like "criminal", "terrorist", "hoodlum", "junkie", and so forth. It may even be so simple as to calling them "rude" or "disorderly" when they do not abide by the same social norms as society as prescribed.

A lot of these rules are the result of other people's thinking. The people who are wealthy, influential, or who otherwise control a lot of the society prescribe these rules based on their idea of what society should be like. These people can include governmental bodies, religious figures, business leaders, and so on. A lot of social rules have been handed down historically too, from some earlier point in time due to some earlier person's beliefs about what society should be like. If someone picks you out because you're "shy", it's not because there's anything inherently wrong with that, but because someone somewhere decided that people shouldn't be that way, and since that point, people have been rewarded for criticizing that behavior and exhibiting different behavior, and they've been punished for exhibiting that behavior or supporting it. Of course, there are different things which are viewed as more or less bad than others for largely arbitrary reasons, but you get the idea.

Anyway, I definitely think "quiet"and "shy" people can be an integral part of a large social group. I think it's a little more difficult than being an already very sociable person, but that's not to say it's impossible. I think that if the right crowd of people is found, things will go smoothly.


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