# How Healthy is My Relationship?



## pinkrasputin (Apr 13, 2009)

Below are two lists, one of healthy relationship characteristics and one of unhealthy traits. Many relationships have a combination of both. The point is to figure what things in your previous, current or future relationships that are healthy or unhealthy, so you can gain appreciation for the best things and decide what you may want to change.

IS IT HEALTHY?
Ask yourself if you and this person...
-Have fun together more often than not
-Each enjoy spending time separately, with your own friends, as well as with each other's friends
-Always feel safe with each other
-Trust each other
-Are faithful to each other if you have made this commitment
-Support each other's individuals goals in life, like educational or career goals
-Respect each other's opinions, even when they are different
-Solve conflicts without putting each other down, cursing at each other or making threats
-Both accept responsibility for your actions
-Both apologize when you're wrong
-Have equal decision-making power about what you do in your relationship
-Each have an equal say in financial matters
--Are proud to be with each other
-Encourage each other's interests-like sports & leisure activities
-Have some privacy-your letters, diary, personal phone calls are respected as your own
-Have close friends & family who like the other person and are happy about your relationship.
-Never feel like you're being pressured for sex
-Communicate about sex, if your relationship is sexual
-Allow each other 'space' when you need it
-Always treat each other with respect


IS IT UNHEALTHY?
Does one of you...
-Gets extremely jealous or accuse the other of cheating
-Puts the other down by calling names, cursing or making the other feel bad about him or herself
-Yells at and treats the other like a child
-Doesn't take the other person, or things that are important to him/her, seriously
-Doesn't listen when the other talks
-Frequently criticizes the other's friends or family
-Pressures the other for sex, or makes sex hurt or feel humiliating
-Has ever threatened to hurt the other or commit suicide if they leave
-Cheats or threatens to cheat
-Tells the other how to dress
-Has ever grabbed, pushed, hit, or physically hurt the other
-Blames the other for your own behavior
-Embarrasses or humiliates the other
-Smashes, throws or destroys things
-Tries to keep the other from having a job or furthering this/her education
-Makes all the decisions about what the two of you do
-Tries to make the other feel crazy or plays mind games
-Goes back on promises
-Acts controlling or possessive-like you own your partner
-Uses alcohol or drugs as an excuse for hurtful behavior
-Ignores or withholds affection as a way of punishing the other
-Depends completely on the other to meet social or emotional needs

This is a list I received from the Services of Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault and their Families


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## Kevinaswell (May 6, 2009)

I was in an unhealthy relationship once.

It last years.

In hindsight, I'm only pissed at myself.


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## Aßbiscuits (Oct 8, 2009)

pinkrasputin said:


> Below are two lists, one of healthy relationship characteristics and one of unhealthy traits. Many relationships have a combination of both. The point is to figure what things in your previous, current or future relationships that are healthy or unhealthy, so you can gain appreciation for the best things and decide what you may want to change.
> 
> IS IT HEALTHY?
> Ask yourself if you and this person...
> ...


Wow, we're doing pretty good so far.

But now I see just how unhealthy past relationship were.


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## pinkrasputin (Apr 13, 2009)

Man could I swap stories of some of my previous unhealthy relationships. While it is good to own up to my responsibility in it, I don't beat myself up over it. I simply didn't have all the knowledge at the time. I just tell myself that I did the best I could at the time. 

Also, since we have had these experiences it is not just "book knowledge" for us that unhealthy relationships/behaviors don't work. We KNOW they don't.


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## Aerorobyn (Nov 11, 2009)

Wow. I can only go off of past relationships here, since I'm not in one now... But for the most part they've been pretty healthy. 

But, Pinkras, do you remember the "Letters to my ex's" blog that I wrote back a while ago? And I wrote about "B" and you said you've had plenty of B's in your life or something like that... Yeah. Well he WOULD have fit under the "Healthy" category. He was a sweet, caring person when we were together... But I only learned later on that it was an act. Gotta watch for those who put on the acts! :crazy:

I DO admit to hitting one of ex's in the face one time - but it wasn't on purpose! He jumped out of nowhere and scared the shit out of me, and it was an action-relex moment to defend myself, as I had no idea who it was - could have been Freddy or Jason!:crazy:

*Shrug* I've learned several things from dating and relationships. I don't hate myself, and I'm not mad at myself; I'm not even mad at any of the ex's. Everything was a learning experience for something much better in the future. :happy:


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## decided (May 17, 2009)

Great lists Pinkrasputin.


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## Kevinaswell (May 6, 2009)

"Damn, I don't even need health yet."

"wtf, I'll get this health anyways."

"And this one too."

"There we go."


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## angularvelocity (Jun 15, 2009)

Thanks pink! That was a good read.. able to evaluate a relationship


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## Monte (Feb 17, 2010)

Aw, why are mind games wrong? 

It keeps them wondering, lol.


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## Blackbird (Jan 14, 2010)

Kevinaswell said:


> "Damn, I don't even need health yet."
> 
> "wtf, I'll get this health anyways."
> 
> ...


Hahaha! 

Character limit. :|


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## truevitality (Jan 18, 2010)

I feel like...I am responsible for the unhealthiness of my past relationship. Like, I use to warn him not to cheat because I never felt like we could really be together and have a good relationship but I wanted to prove my own intuition wrong. So it bothers me. It bothers me a lot. I forgive him for all that happened, but I still haven't forgiven myself yet.


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## pinkrasputin (Apr 13, 2009)

truevitality said:


> I feel like...I am responsible for the unhealthiness of my past relationship. Like, I use to warn him not to cheat because I never felt like we could really be together and have a good relationship but I wanted to prove my own intuition wrong. So it bothers me. It bothers me a lot. I forgive him for all that happened, but I still haven't forgiven myself yet.


I know what that can feel like. But I hope you gain acceptance for what you've done. And I hope you are not taking too much of the blame. The fact that you can self reflect is awesome. I hope you can grow from it and move on. Many people don't even stop to look at where they may have done something. They are so busy blaming others and then continue their same mistakes. Try to grow from this and "get your own back". We all make mistakes, and often find out later that they weren't really bad as they seemed at first.


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## truevitality (Jan 18, 2010)

pinkrasputin said:


> I know what that can feel like. But I hope you gain acceptance for what you've done. And I hope you are not taking too much of the blame. The fact that you can self reflect is awesome. I hope you can grow from it and move on. Many people don't even stop to look at where they may have done something. They are so busy blaming others and then continue their same mistakes. Try to grow from this and "get your own back". We all make mistakes, and often find out later that they weren't really bad as they seemed at first.


Yeah...you're right. I know I won't make the same mistake the second time around. I have a better understanding of relationships now. I guess I feel bad because I didn't/don't have the courage to really say, "I'm sorry" to him. I know it's really not as bad as my mind is making it seem. But...*Sigh* I bet this will be better with time and exposure.


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