# ENTJ in love with ENFJ, but confused with what happened



## A.L.L.Y (Jan 15, 2016)

I (ENTJ) was really into this guy (ENFJ). We hit it off immediately and have so much in common. We would talk from morning until night (literally good morning and good night texts), we would text when he was with friends, we'd got so used to it that we'd apologise if we hadn't responded in a short while (and the conversation would sometimes be flirty). He lives in my neighbourhood so we'd leave groceries for each other often, and this progressed to an inside joke where I'd leave little handwritten notes for him and he'd encourage them. Other things happened like he invited to his room to hang out and eat food after drinks with friends, but nothing physical ever happened. I've had relationships before so I don't think I'm naive and definitely thought there was something there (and asked/showed several friends who agreed).

After weeks/over a month of this, I decided it was causing me anxiety as it was taking up so much time and I have a job and I was getting emotionally invested, so I had to know what was going on. We had a discussion where I said I have feelings but he suddenly withdrew and said we were just good friends. So I told him that I couldn't do this anymore, all the texting all the time and sweet gestures, and he said he understood and he's sad it's ending this way and if I need anything he's still there. I'd heard from a friend she overheard him talking about how he's scared of starting a relationship right now with anyone because he doesn't know where he's going to be in the next couple of years but that's all she heard.

I've not spoken to him for weeks. He's been watching all my instastories/snapchat stories instantly (and I post 10+ a day at different times) and likes all my posts. I don't watch his stuff and ignore him around friends, and we had a really long eye contact on Friday and he seemed really sad. A couple of days later he's suddenly stopped watching my instastories and stopped liking my instagram posts (I've been muted) but still keeps up on snapchat.

I sent him a text along the lines that I was sorry I've been ignoring him and that it wasn't him I am handling this not very well but it's the only way I know how and I've thought about talking but I don't know what to say. He read the message but didn't respond. I've hidden my snapstories from him now. 

I just want to know why an ENFJ would act this way if they are supposed to have much better emotional skills than me and why he wouldn't respond to my text if he's the one that's been sending signals online.


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## Behnam Agahi (Oct 27, 2020)

A.L.L.Y said:


> I (ENTJ) was really into this guy (ENFJ). We hit it off immediately and have so much in common. We would talk from morning until night (literally good morning and good night texts), we would text when he was with friends, we'd got so used to it that we'd apologise if we hadn't responded in a short while (and the conversation would sometimes be flirty). He lives in my neighbourhood so we'd leave groceries for each other often, and this progressed to an inside joke where I'd leave little handwritten notes for him and he'd encourage them. Other things happened like he invited to his room to hang out and eat food after drinks with friends, but nothing physical ever happened. I've had relationships before so I don't think I'm naive and definitely thought there was something there (and asked/showed several friends who agreed).
> 
> After weeks/over a month of this, I decided it was causing me anxiety as it was taking up so much time and I have a job and I was getting emotionally invested, so I had to know what was going on. We had a discussion where I said I have feelings but he suddenly withdrew and said we were just good friends. So I told him that I couldn't do this anymore, all the texting all the time and sweet gestures, and he said he understood and he's sad it's ending this way and if I need anything he's still there. I'd heard from a friend she overheard him talking about how he's scared of starting a relationship right now with anyone because he doesn't know where he's going to be in the next couple of years but that's all she heard.
> 
> ...


Are you sure that he is an ENFJ? For a healthy ENFJ or a healthy person it's weird not texting back.
I think he has experienced bad situations in the past, that's the reason he was acting like this.
He acted like an Fi user in that situation. He was just caring for you because he considered you as a friend, so as long as it was the right thing to do he would have liked your posts or cared about you but when he received no attention from you, he concluded that it's not wise to be your friend while you see him as an special person.
So he just wanted to cut every ties, because he thinks that it's the better thing to do after everything. I repeat, this is Fi, probably an unhealthy one.
I would also consider the possibilty that he door slammed you, but considering your story, I see no reason for that.
Leave him be, if he is an Fi user as I guess or at least used Fi in that situation, it's impossible and unwise to change his mind. Accept it as painful as it may be and live on.
I wish that you get over it soon 😊


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## A.L.L.Y (Jan 15, 2016)

Behnam Agahi said:


> Are you sure that he is an ENFJ? For a healthy ENFJ or a healthy person it's weird not texting back.
> I think he has experienced bad situations in the past, that's the reason he was acting like this.
> He acted like an Fi user in that situation. He was just caring for you because he considered you as a friend, so as long as it was the right thing to do he would have liked your posts or cared about you but when he received no attention from you, he concluded that it's not wise to be your friend while you see him as an special person.
> So he just wanted to cut every ties, because he thinks that it's the better thing to do after everything. I repeat, this is Fi, probably an unhealthy one.
> ...


Thanks for the response, appreciate it!

I understand the acting like a good friend in continuing to like my posts/caring about me, but I'm just confused because he clearly was thinking about me all day as he was always instantly the first person to watch all my instastories AND all my snapstories every time I posted one, always the first to like my posts, and everything that happened seemed like dating to me - I was honest about my feelings and I don't feel like he's being honest with me or is just being a bit confusing. And then he suddenly muted me on instagram but not Snapchat, for some reason. 

He does come across as ENFJ when not in this situation, more in social situations. He knows I'm an ENTJ and find it hard to talk about how I feel too.


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## DOGSOUP (Jan 29, 2016)

Frankly it is impossible to say what he is thinking especially since he refuses to communicate (which is odd for EF types that are all about that and use the lack of it mostly as a way to control the flow of the communication, or to punish people unfortunately). Personally I have flaked out in a situation where I did not want to "ruin the friendship" as the saying goes. But I def would not have been caught dead stalking that persons insta, had it ended in this manner (it didnt we are still regularly in touch). Now it is possible he did this without thinking and then realized it was sending mixed messages? But I dont really get why he didnt answer your very reasonable message... maybe he has aversion for confrontation?


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## UniversalIndividual (Nov 16, 2020)

That E.N.F.J. guy was really wanting to be good friends with you because you make it sound like he has a hard time being ready for an intimate relationship with anyone. When you rejected him from your life when you "couldn't do this anymore" and ignored him, you made him feel unpleasant. So, I wouldn't be surprised if it's hard for him to talk to you again after you just started talking to him again after you rejected him so he's probably being careful now. I would just tell you to tread carefully and not mess with his feelings or you could make him not want to be around you at all.
If I had strong feelings for a person who never reciprocated those feelings back to me no matter what I do, then I'd permanently get out of their life as much as I can to avoid suffering from being that friend that is secretly in love with someone who will never love me back and to avoid hurting that person by not having an on/off friendship when I have strong feelings for them that are more than just a friendly feeling.


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## Electra (Oct 24, 2014)

Maybe he has plans to pursue a carreer fare away and tries to think with his head instead of heart because that makes sense to him even though he likes you. Maybe he will regret it later, who knows? Maybe not. I know it's hard for you! Please take good care of your self.


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## DOGSOUP (Jan 29, 2016)

UniversalIndividual said:


> That E.N.F.J. guy was really wanting to be good friends with you because you make it sound like he has a hard time being ready for an intimate relationship with anyone. When you rejected him from your life when you "couldn't do this anymore" and ignored him, you made him feel unpleasant. So, I wouldn't be surprised if it's hard for him to talk to you again after you just started talking to him again after you rejected him so he's probably being careful now.


This is a really good point that should be considered. It's not really fair to blame that guy for lacking emotional skills if he wanted to be friends and then was surprised with basically "I can't have this in my life anymore if nothing comes of it". I've never been put in that situation but I'm sure I wouldn't really react well. Not that OP is wrong to make that statement if it is a genuine source of distress.


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## HGy (Jul 3, 2016)

The key to all of this is that he was overheard saying he .."doesnt want a relationship amd doesnt know where he will be in 2 years...". 

He obviously likes you


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## HGy (Jul 3, 2016)

It is kind of scary how much control I can have (ENFJ female) with not letting myself get too involved when I know I am not in the best place to have a serious relationship. I like having all my ducks in a row. 

I remember I had feelings for a guy a confused the hell out of him because I did the same thing the enfj guy did to you. Its about timing. He probably wants you but feels like he shouldnt and the timing is wrong but he cant just completely cut you away yet.


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## Eu_citzen (Jan 18, 2018)

HGy said:


> It is kind of scary how much control I can have (ENFJ female) with not letting myself get too involved when I know I am not in the best place to have a serious relationship. I like having all my ducks in a row.
> 
> I remember I had feelings for a guy a confused the hell out of him because I did the same thing the enfj guy did to you. Its about timing. He probably wants you but feels like he shouldnt and the timing is wrong but he cant just completely cut you away yet.


I concur with this, that aligns well with my own experiences with ENFJs.

The rest can probably be attributed to you two trying to "adjust" to the new scheme of things. 
Figuring out where you both are.
It can be awkward at times.


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## A.L.L.Y (Jan 15, 2016)

Hi guys, thanks for the replies! Just as an update, he never responded to my texts, but yesterday my friend broached the topic casually with him in relation to me, and at first he was awkward and tried to change the topic, but one thing led to another and they ended up talking a bit about it. She doesn't remember much but it was along the lines of my friend telling him she thinks we should talk, and him saying "yeah but she's made it clear she doesn't want to talk", and that he thinks I don't want to talk anymore as he's said hi sometimes and I don't respond, and he knows it's been a while. My friend told me she thinks the only thing he cares about now is us not talking. I'm not sure what I want to do yet honestly.


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## DOGSOUP (Jan 29, 2016)

well as long as neither of you has ill will for the other, it's always possible to clear the air.


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## incision (May 23, 2010)

Even though he told your friend what he thought, he still didn't respond to your texts. That's mixed messages and because of that, attempting to reconnect has the potential to mess you up bad. Unless this guy becomes more focused and direct with you, I would personally move on. No one should ever have to convince someone else that they're 'worth it'.


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## Llyralen (Sep 4, 2017)

You rejected him, straight up. He is honoring your expressed wishes like he should. It's over. This is not his fault and I think he should keep away.
Work on understanding what you yourself really want and communicating that clearly. Work on understanding the effects of your own behavior and words and expressing appreciation for others in the future.


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## A.L.L.Y (Jan 15, 2016)

Llyralen said:


> You rejected him, straight up. He is honoring your expressed wishes like he should. It's over. This is not his fault and I think he should keep away.
> Work on understanding what you yourself really want and communicating that clearly. Work on understanding the effects of your own behavior and words and expressing appreciation for others in the future.


I did not reject him, the above post clearly shows I was direct and wanted more with him based on all the signals but he retracted so I communicated clearly that we needed to stop talking because of the confusing signals? I have been very clear what I want from the beginning and he is the one confusing me.


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## A.L.L.Y (Jan 15, 2016)

EDIT: I have noticed he has unmuted me on Instagram and rewatching all my stories again too.


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## DOGSOUP (Jan 29, 2016)

A.L.L.Y said:


> I did not reject him, the above post clearly shows I was direct and wanted more with him based on all the signals but he retracted so I communicated clearly that we needed to stop talking because of the confusing signals? I have been very clear what I want from the beginning and he is the one confusing me.


I think what some people are saying is that you rejected his_ friendship _while doing this. Even if you picked up on signals, he did outright say he saw you as a friend, and then you said you couldn't have the expressions of your friendship in your life anymore because they confused you. When he told your friend he thinks you don't want to talk anymore, I think he is referring to that.

Other people are saying that he definitely likes you and probably just can't start a relationship with you now. _We can't know that, only speculate based on what you told us._ If that is the case, why did he not tell you outright? No matter how bad someone is at communicating, that is fairly simple to explain.

Either you two want different things, plain and simple; or you both have issues communicating what you want. The former can't be helped, the latter can be helped only if both parties communicate openly (whether deciding to stay in touch or stop talking altogether), and also _believe what the other person is saying. _Which it seems that you don't...?

Personally I'd spend a little less time monitoring who has seen my social media posts and when. Honestly I don't think that whole thing is helping here.


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## A.L.L.Y (Jan 15, 2016)

DOGSOUP said:


> I think what some people are saying is that you rejected his_ friendship _while doing this. Even if you picked up on signals, he did outright say he saw you as a friend, and then you said you couldn't have the expressions of your friendship in your life anymore because they confused you. When he told your friend he thinks you don't want to talk anymore, I think he is referring to that.
> 
> Other people are saying that he definitely likes you and probably just can't start a relationship with you now. _We can't know that, only speculate based on what you told us._ If that is the case, why did he not tell you outright? No matter how bad someone is at communicating, that is fairly simple to explain.
> 
> ...


ah okay, yes I did reject him in that sense. I do/am trying to believe him which is why I wanted to end the friendship because we clearly have different definitions of what friendship is. And this has happened to me before with different guys - they’d be all relationshipy, even calling me cute flirty nicknames/talk all the time, but immediately retract and say we are just friends when I broach the topic of something more. And previously I would stay friends with them but it would always revert to that too intimate dynamic and they would always say we are “just friends.” So this time I thought just to end it all together.

this is making me realise we shouldn’t talk and should just move on as it just seems too complicated/unhealthy.


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## Llyralen (Sep 4, 2017)

A.L.L.Y said:


> I did not reject him, the above post clearly shows I was direct and wanted more with him based on all the signals but he retracted so I communicated clearly that we needed to stop talking because of the confusing signals? I have been very clear what I want from the beginning and he is the one confusing me.


Now you’re confusing me too. I would definitely take “We need to stop talking because of confusing signals” as a pretty much total rejection. What else could it be taken as? I’ve heard other Js say such things to their P love interest as well. The recipient of such a statement is somehow expected to work with that? He is somehow supposed to build a healthy relationship with just the words “I like you?” As if the decision to commit was separate from talking together and getting through problems? And as if the decision to like each other would change the signals? Or change the quality of the interaction? Quite strange. He was interested, you killed that interest by putting a block on the communication. It is over.

This is by the way a huge difference I keep seeing in J and P. Ps look at the quality of the relationship when we are making a decision as if it is a separate entity.. which it is in our opinion. It’s the experience of what being together is like and what you can build in that relationship. Meaning that he can like you just fine and if you put a block on the communication it means you ended the relationship. Of course that will then color what he thinks of you somewhat or maybe not. He might have good memories of you and he might want to keep thinking positively about you but have bad memories about the way you two interacted. The decision to commit or date will be made about the quality of the relationship, not on how he feels about you. The man has moved on— let him move on unless you want to give him an even worse experience?

I think looking into these J and P differences for you will be important for you in the long run. You seem like a very strong J. Ps want a lot of data before making a decision (like committing to something) and even after making a decision are still evaluating the quality of the relationship. If the relationship is bad then that is what needs to be worked on. If the communication is gone then there is no way to work on it.. Js (not that I can speak as well for the J side of things) define or commit and keep optimism about that decision and only change that decision if it seems to really not be working... and I’m not sure exactly what you guys understand about how to actually work to improve things (‘Aubrey you’ve never gotten to that place?)., but if the quality isn’t good and if what is being built is not good then this is not going to work for Ps. And we also will try to make sure it’s all going well before a actual commitment which takes time. 

Instead of trying to control relationship quality by limiting communication (which sounds like a break-up to any P since the actual relationship is not the decision to commit but is in the way you two interact and if you’re saying you can’t interact then what is there?) you’ll need to explore more, work harder to communicate and understand and open communication—- look for ways to build that 3rd entity which is the relationship itself. I don’t know if this makes sense to you, hopefully you’ll be able to take something from it that will help in the future.


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