# PTSD my therapy art



## pianopraze (Jun 29, 2009)

I'm going to post some of my art I did for therapy/personal pain relief. 

8x11 original I made as gift.... the phrase is one that i said in therapy:









A Candle One November Night 

Empty heart, empty bed;
Sadness curls around my soul.
Life makes jaded a verb.
Some nights hope flickers
Like a candle in the wind.

Sleepless nights:
Terror with lowered shades.


Have we met before? 


Have we met before?
Surely we have, I know your smile.
You know not what I am speaking of?
Remember, past the veil of time.

Through golden crystal webs,
A womb of peace and space without breath.
There now, on the shore waves break;
The surf a symphony of peace.

There you stand with long darkened locks...
Our hearts entwined, never apart.
You yearn for me there.
Why are we not together?

Once I stopped upon the road... 


Once I stopped, upon the road, and stepping off the path looked back.
There on the road I beheld myself as I once was and would be.

Time, a distortion of the mind - the lie of consciousness
Bent and reality blossomed for a fraction of a moment.

Then I shook my head and thought it queer,
Why do I not remember the future....


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## So Long So Long (Jun 6, 2009)

Very beautiful. It's almost like I can feel your pain.


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## PeacePassion (Jun 9, 2009)

gorgeous verses... you really take us into your world... the pain resonates, but not for lack of beauty. thanks for sharing


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## pianopraze (Jun 29, 2009)

Here are some more:

A Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the lord my dreams to keep.
A thousand times a night I die,
I wake with silent strangled cry.

Forever in your arms I plead,
Lord let me come - inside I bleed.
‘Till silent sleep unending come,
Away from pain away thought I numb.






Unpoem

Time, once linear, now unlined.
Sound, once remembered, now unscreamed.
Sight, once exploded, now unrelenting.
Light, once enveloped, now unknown.
Hope, once bolstered, now unexistanced.
Life, once exuberance, now unborn.







Yesteryear

This is the day, this is the year. Yesteryear.
No more tomorrows always yesterday
This is the year, yesteyear.

Forever there is sorrow 
Forever there is fear
Never there is tomorrow
Always there is tears

This is the day, this is the year. Yesteryear.
No more tomorrows always yesterday
This is the year, yesteryear.

Nevermore I soar
Nether regions I roam
Inside storms do roar
Always I’m alone

Chorus:
This is the day, this is the year. Yesteryear.
No more tomorrows always yesterday
This is the year, yesteryear
This is the year, yesteryear
Yesteryear.



Bridge:

Nether regions I do roam, in time and space alone.
Every where theres blue sky, while inside I do die.
Merging horizons, shifting veils.
Hovering thunder shotgun rails.


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## PeacePassion (Jun 9, 2009)

wow! great work! so you write songs too??? nice  i suppose they don't call you pianopraze for nuthin'! do you have your music up somewhere? 

A Prayer is especially haunting...


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## imru2 (Jun 20, 2009)

Wow these are really good. All this time we thought you were just cute kittehs. ^_~

A Prayer and Unpoem truly hit a chord with me. Thank you for sharing these with us.


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## pianopraze (Jun 29, 2009)

PeacePassion said:


> wow! great work! so you write songs too??? nice  i suppose they don't call you pianopraze for nuthin'! do you have your music up somewhere?
> 
> A Prayer is especially haunting...


Thank you.

Yes I wrote songs... but music is gone now. I used to always hear music in my head (not radio music -- music only I would hear... and compose it. Now... all gone. Yes I'm a profession musician, but I can't hardly play now. A few minutes and I get so frustrated... I can't feel. I'm the echo of music from a distant age now....

A special thank you to all those who are keeping me laughing in the other threads tonight. I could not have posted these otherwise...


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## pianopraze (Jun 29, 2009)

imru2 said:


> Wow these are really good. All this time we thought you were just cute kittehs. ^_~
> 
> A Prayer and Unpoem truly hit a chord with me. Thank you for sharing these with us.


No one wants to hear words of pain, so I make jokes. No one wants to see me, the deadly tiger shredding my insides... so I post kittens.

Art makes pain acceptable... it distances the viewer from the reality of the pain... no one wants it to be real.


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## imru2 (Jun 20, 2009)

pianopraze said:


> No one wants to hear words of pain, so I make jokes. No one wants to see me, the deadly tiger shredding my insides... so I post kittens.
> 
> Art makes pain acceptable... it distances the viewer from the reality of the pain... no one wants it to be real.


Just remember that simply isn't true. At least not for me, and I'd wager to say there are a lot of others (especially INFPs) that would enjoy spending time with you, being melancholy and supportive together. But yes, art does help make the pain seem different. Just don't let yourself get fooled into thinking it's gone away. Otherwise, you'll end up in more pain than you started with. 

We have to learn to not bottle everything up all the time. At least, I know I do. >_> And while we are thanking one another, I need to tell you thank you for the kittens. Seriously. You always give me something to think about or smile about. And it means a lot, honestly.


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## pianopraze (Jun 29, 2009)

imru2 said:


> Just remember that simply isn't true. At least not for me, and I'd wager to say there are a lot of others (especially INFPs) that would enjoy spending time with you, being melancholy and supportive together. But yes, art does help make the pain seem different. Just don't let yourself get fooled into thinking it's gone away. Otherwise, you'll end up in more pain than you started with.
> 
> We have to learn to not bottle everything up all the time. At least, I know I do. >_> And while we are thanking one another, I need to tell you thank you for the kittens. Seriously. You always give me something to think about or smile about. And it means a lot, honestly.


You're welcome. I'm glad you enjoy them. 

Maybe on here, but how many INFP's or INFJ's have I met in my life?... expressing it is a way to end conversations and sometimes "friends" just don't want to be around you no more...

... shesh I feel so exposed...


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## So Long So Long (Jun 6, 2009)

pianopraze said:


> Art makes pain acceptable... it distances the viewer from the reality of the pain... no one wants it to be real.


So true. Upon reading that part of your post I actually started to tear up because it speaks so loudly and pure to me. 

And the saddest thing of all is that the pain is real... Whether the person reading it or writing it wants it to be...


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## PeacePassion (Jun 9, 2009)

pianopraze said:


> Thank you.
> 
> Yes I wrote songs... but music is gone now. I used to always hear music in my head (not radio music -- music only I would hear... and compose it. Now... all gone. Yes I'm a profession musician, but I can't hardly play now. A few minutes and I get so frustrated... I can't feel. I'm the echo of music from a distant age now....
> 
> A special thank you to all those who are keeping me laughing in the other threads tonight. I could not have posted these otherwise...


i feel you on this, i was a bass player, it's what i wanted to do... and good bass players are hard to come by! but discouragement and depression crushed my dreams. and along came the serious of unfortunate, traumatic events. i really thought the music died and that my lesson was to learn that passions can die, love can die, and not to let it happen again. 

however, now, 10 years later, the music has been resurrected! it really seems like a miracle. i was working on a screenplay (i think i mentioned it in the DID thread), about a soldier who returns from war and basically turns to music to deal with the resulting PTS.. I'm calling it "A Soldier's Song"  I'm not sure if I'm going to continue writing it, for me a soldier recovering from war is the best metaphor for my own life experience, but i don't want to disrespect those for whom such experience is more than mere metaphor. naturally it'd all be in the quality of work, if i could pull it off or not... anyway, i started writing a song for the script, like, the song the soldier was writing in the movie, and it's like the music rose like a phoenix triumphant. it was awesome, i really thought the music had died. 

so anyway, i know what it's like to have accomplished a lot with an instrument, and to have lost it all. i tried to pick up bass again periodically, but it was so horrible to suck when i was once really good. and more than that it was too difficult to face the abandoned dreams... and even now, i can't quite get myself to focus on bass. i'm teaching myself guitar. so i guess you could say the music is back, only once removed, in a new form. 

i only tell this to you to hopefully encourage you  i'm sure the music still trembles within you, even if it's hiding in the depths of your soul. 

thanks again for taking a chance and posting your work, it's not easy i know, takes a lot of courage. your work is excellent.


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## PeacePassion (Jun 9, 2009)

So Long So Long said:


> And the saddest thing of all is that the pain is real... Whether the person reading it or writing it wants it to be...


exactly. yet the cool thing about art is that it at once expresses and provides a way to deal... for both observer and creator. which can be incredibly cathartic and healing.


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## Perseus (Mar 7, 2009)

*The Block*



pianopraze said:


> Thank you.
> 
> Yes I wrote songs... but music is gone now. I used to always hear music in my head (not radio music -- music only I would hear... and compose it. Now... all gone. Yes I'm a profession musician, but I can't hardly play now. A few minutes and I get so frustrated... I can't feel. I'm the echo of music from a distant age now....
> 
> A special thank you to all those who are keeping me laughing in the other threads tonight. I could not have posted these otherwise...




I am (or was) a professional writer. There is a stage I went through (very early on) when I lost the automatic writing and I became a writer-composer. Then there was another stage of writer's block (very brief both of them for me) when I became a writer-scientist. 

I don't have trouble with doing work, just getting it. It is the OK Cupid stuff I don't understand. 

Your poems are very INFP style.


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## Happy (Oct 10, 2008)




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## pianopraze (Jun 29, 2009)

Perseus said:


> I am (or was) a professional writer. There is a stage I went through (very early on) when I lost the automatic writing and I became a writer-composer. Then there was another stage of writer's block (very brief both of them for me) when I became a writer-scientist.
> 
> I don't have trouble with doing work, just getting it. It is the OK Cupid stuff I don't understand.
> 
> Your poems are very INFP style.


OK Cupid? Yes, I have an INFP sentiment but act INFJ... i totally agree Psilo came up with something that sounding about right.... still not sure if I am P or J... I am very both!



Lance said:


> very nice


Thank you


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## pianopraze (Jun 29, 2009)

A night.

I lay... my mattress a warm grave.
Heart trembling... terror on pierced wing.
I remember to breath... sometimes.
The soft glow of the screen becons...
Keep me from oblivion.


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## PeacePassion (Jun 9, 2009)

pianopraze said:


> A night.
> 
> I lay... my mattress a warm grave.
> Heart trembling... terror on pierced wing.
> ...


Intense! "my mattress a warm grave" .... "terror on a pierced wing" ... amazing how a few words can capture and express such an intense mortal experience!


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## pianopraze (Jun 29, 2009)

Awake?

My eyes open
I breath: body numb, head pounding... the tingling subsides
Unclinching a scream... my jaw relaxes
My stomach protests... sickness rises

The ray of light slicing the room a kinder cut
Terror fleets back to the depths...
Hell is patient.


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## PeacePassion (Jun 9, 2009)

pianopraze said:


> Awake?
> 
> My eyes open
> I breath: body numb, head pounding... the tingling subsides
> ...


WOW. Excellent. i know you can only write this because you know it so well, but, WOW. It's not that I'm glad you've suffered, but I'm glad you wrote this! Pretty much explains the last months of attempted sleeping for me! I like the "?" in the title too. and "hell is patient" no kidding... 

raw and profound.


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