# Should I avoid making friends?



## QueenOfCats (Jan 28, 2011)

I've recently realized how happy and productive I am whenever I don't have any friends. I don't have to deal with disrespect nor do I have to make compromises. I also have much more time on my hand and I don't have to worry about social obligations, etc. I hate being bound by social rules and I don't really like committing to people I don't like very much. 

When I was younger and going through depression, I had this bitchy, socially awkward bully phase. As soon as I got over it, I was friendless for a while but I wasn't this sad, kicked puppy. Also, many of acquaintances never confronted me on things they didn't like about me and had messed up morals. I can't deal with those kind of people. 

Soon after, I made friends with a group of girls who seemed different from the people I've met before and quite kind. I started talking to them and I really liked hanging out with them. But the leader of this group started bossing me around and insulting me whenever I did something she didn't agree with. I gave her two more chances but after she called me deluded, I cut off contact with her and her friends. After all, people who put up with that kind of person probably aren't too nice themselves. 

I was happy for a while but then she contacted me on this other personality forum and started blaming me for being disloyal to her and her group. She called me flaky, selfish, etc. and told me that I should have spent at least 30 minutes with them on Skype every day instead of cutting off contact altogether. But shouldn't I be allowed to choose what I should do with my time? She seemed like a slightly unhealthy ESFJ. 

I can't deal with these kind of things. People always end up disappointing me and I can never really like people. I have one friend who thinks of me as her best friend but she doesn't even know me at all. I just help her out a lot and joke around a bit. I think our friendship's about to end as we're not talking as much anymore. I don't really care though because it's usually expected. Friends don't seem to be for me. Should I just dedicate my time to self-improvement projects, career goals, etc. instead?


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

Why don't you start out with a cat, and go from there? 

I've known a lot of women who have a hell of a time making friends with other women. There's some sort of "competition" between women that men don't do. Oh, we'll compete on the playing field, or get into a bar room brawl, and then get drunk together singing baudy songs until the cows come home.

Have any luck making friends with guys?


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## stone100674 (Jun 22, 2012)

You should follow the path that will give you what it is that you need: if solitude is what makes you happy then so be it. Just remember that when it comes to friends it can take a long time of weeding through the a-holes to find a true and loyal friend, so don't completely cloister yourself, simply choose when and how you interact with a better quality of friend.


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## QueenOfCats (Jan 28, 2011)

tanstaafl28 said:


> Why don't you start out with a cat, and go from there?
> 
> I've known a lot of women who have a hell of a time making friends with other women. There's some sort of "competition" between women that men don't do. Oh, we'll compete on the playing field, or get into a bar room brawl, and then get drunk together singing baudy songs until the cows come home.
> 
> Have any luck making friends with guys?


I probably should one day.

Internalized misogyny will always frustrate me to some degree. When I was younger, I could get along with girls just fine, but everyone's so over-dramatic and disrespectful now. Guys are okay although the ones I know are kind of conceited. Things would probably be a bit more fun though and I would like that. 

I'll try that sometime. Maybe things would be much less intense.


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## QueenOfCats (Jan 28, 2011)

stone100674 said:


> You should follow the path that will give you what it is that you need: if solitude is what makes you happy then so be it. Just remember that when it comes to friends it can take a long time of weeding through the a-holes to find a true and loyal friend, so don't completely cloister yourself, simply choose when and how you interact with a better quality of friend.


Ah okay, thanks for the advice! I'll pick and choose friends instead of just spending time with anyone I have a conversation with. I don't want to waste my time with people who aren't worth it.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

NerdyCool5EVAH said:


> I probably should one day.
> 
> Internalized misogyny will always frustrate me to some degree. When I was younger, I could get along with girls just fine, but everyone's so over-dramatic and disrespectful now. Guys are okay although the ones I know are kind of conceited. Things would probably be a bit more fun though and I would like that.
> 
> I'll try that sometime. Maybe things would be much less intense.



You're still in school, yes? 

I'm thinking maybe, as a 3, you're probably giving off some serious competitive vibes, I bet that's what caused you so much trouble with "Queen Bitch," and her entourage; maybe she's 3 or an 8 and not used to dealing with someone whose every bit as ambitious and assertive. Guys may also be affected by your competitive vibe.


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## QueenOfCats (Jan 28, 2011)

tanstaafl28 said:


> You're still in school, yes?
> 
> I'm thinking maybe, as a 3, you're probably giving off some serious competitive vibes, I bet that's what caused you so much trouble with "Queen Bitch," and her entourage; maybe she's 3 or an 8 and not used to dealing with someone whose every bit as ambitious and assertive. Guys may also be affected by your competitive vibe.


Yup

Hmm that's very possible. Yeah, I can really see it now. She was a 6w7 from what I remember. Maybe she was feeling very anxious about having me in her group? I think people could be intimidated by me.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

NerdyCool5EVAH said:


> Yup
> 
> Hmm that's very possible. Yeah, I can really see it now. She was a 6w7 from what I remember. Maybe she was feeling very anxious about having me in her group? I think people could be intimidated by me.


Threes are pretty powerful (over)-achievers. I've known a few in my day. Guess where a 6 goes under stress? Right to 3.


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## QueenOfCats (Jan 28, 2011)

tanstaafl28 said:


> Threes are pretty powerful (over)-achievers. I've known a few in my day. Guess where a 6 goes under stress? Right to 3.


I hope I'm one too. This is starting to make a lot of sense. Also, I've noticed that the only people I actually get along with are 2s, 9s, and occasionally 5s and those types wouldn't really feel threatened by 3s, would they? I'd be pretty flattered if people around me were intimidated be ambitious nature. That must mean I'm doing something right.


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## bluekitdon (Dec 19, 2012)

Spend time with people you respect. Don't waste your time with people you don't respect. Best advice I can give you.


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## tanstaafl28 (Sep 10, 2012)

NerdyCool5EVAH said:


> I hope I'm one too. This is starting to make a lot of sense. Also, I've noticed that the only people I actually get along with are 2s, 9s, and occasionally 5s and those types wouldn't really feel threatened by 3s, would they? I'd be pretty flattered if people around me were intimidated be ambitious nature. That must mean I'm doing something right.



Yeah, I'm so anti-ambitious it's almost laughable. I chase rainbows. I'd rather collaborate with someone like you because I'm great at getting the ball rolling, but not so good at keeping it going.


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## stone100674 (Jun 22, 2012)

NerdyCool5EVAH said:


> Ah okay, thanks for the advice! I'll pick and choose friends instead of just spending time with anyone I have a conversation with. I don't want to waste my time with people who aren't worth it.


Also cliques might be something to avoid: they tend to have an automatic pecking order that will involve a competition for control and influence, and both males and females can exhibit the behavior. Although as I recall the toughest male was generally the ring leader, and I have no clue at all how the girls worked it out.


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## QueenOfCats (Jan 28, 2011)

stone100674 said:


> Also cliques might be something to avoid: they tend to have an automatic pecking order that will involve a competition for control and influence, and both males and females can exhibit the behavior. Although as I recall the toughest male was generally the ring leader, and I have no clue at all how the girls worked it out.


I had never been in a clique before until I met those girls. While it can be fun, the social politics are really confusing. I think the people in my group worked it out by attempting to be the most liked and/or feared by the other members. 

Should I stick with being a loner with acquaintances/friends? I do need to be able to make connections during college and I don't want my social skills to deteriorate.


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## stone100674 (Jun 22, 2012)

NerdyCool5EVAH said:


> I had never been in a clique before until I met those girls. While it can be fun, the social politics are really confusing. I think the people in my group worked it out by attempting to be the most liked and/or feared by the other members.


 Fear is a large part of the male aspect as well.


> Should I stick with being a loner with acquaintances/friends? I do need to be able to make connections during college and I don't want my social skills to deteriorate.


Well, I don't think anybody really wants to be completely alone all the time, so I think you should seek out some intelligent, kind and loyal people who are worthy of you. The cool crowd is generally focused on shallow pursuits, and the jocks tend be conceited and only concerned with themselves: each clique will have a different egotistical focus. Seek out the girl that studies alone in the library, or the quiet boy who reads by himself at lunch: learn about them and show them your loyality and they will reward you with theirs.


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## QueenOfCats (Jan 28, 2011)

stone100674 said:


> Fear is a large part of the male aspect as well.
> Well, I don't think anybody really wants to be completely alone all the time, so I think you should seek out some intelligent, kind and loyal people who are worthy of you. The cool crowd is generally focused on shallow pursuits, and the jocks tend be conceited and only concerned with themselves: each clique will have a different egotistical focus.


I'll try to find those kind of people. I agree with you. They tend to care much more about short-term goals than anything long-term. 



stone100674 said:


> Seek out the girl that studies alone in the library, or the quiet boy who reads by himself at lunch: learn about them and show them your loyality and they will reward you with theirs.


I'll do that, it probably won't be too difficult to make friends with them so it wouldn't be as awkward. It would be nice to have friends to lean on every once in a while although I would be fine with not having friends too.


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## countrygirl90 (Oct 11, 2012)

Your story matches a lot to mine .I too was never successful at making friends with girls from my childhood because I got bullied by them a lot during my early childhood and teenage years ,I hated and protested the way they bullied me and not in just physical sense but more on psychological level, as a result I befriended boys rather then girls .But I don,t hold grudge against female community ,because those few girls are not the representative of whole female community ,they were just some weak and ill minded people who taught me to be more respectable about myself and learn to fight back against injustice . Though now I,m very selective towards making friends whether it be men or women ,I have some very awesome and great friends now ,whom I love and cherish from my heart.
Greatest thing about them is that they focus more on being good friends and human being then a popular guy or girl or a social heartthrob .They don,t complain or point out weakness in me ,but they indeed inspire me a lot to bring some positive change in myself.Because of them I found a peace and happiness within myself ,even though we may live apart from each other but we get together once in a year for sure .
We may come across lots of stones in the passage of our life but once in a while we may find a gem .Best friends are like one of those gems ,we should not take them for granted nor should we let ourselves get used that way by someone whom we might think as our friend because in both case that is not friendship .


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## Up and Away (Mar 5, 2011)

Isn't it ironic that you are being social while asking if you should be social!??!

 Good luck, many of us have been there, and still are


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## QueenOfCats (Jan 28, 2011)

countrygirl90 said:


> Your story matches a lot to mine .I too was never successful at making friends with girls from my childhood because I got bullied by them a lot during my early childhood and teenage years ,I hated and protested the way they bullied me and not in just physical sense but more on psychological level, as a result I befriended boys rather then girls .But I don,t hold grudge against female community ,because those few girls are not the representative of whole female community ,they were just some weak and ill minded people who taught me to be more respectable about myself and learn to fight back against injustice . Though now I,m very selective towards making friends whether it be men or women ,I have some very awesome and great friends now ,whom I love and cherish from my heart.
> Greatest thing about them is that they focus more on being good friends and human being then a popular guy or girl or a social heartthrob .They don,t complain or point out weakness in me ,but they indeed inspire me a lot to bring some positive change in myself.Because of them I found a peace and happiness within myself ,even though we may live apart from each other but we get together once in a year for sure .
> We may come across lots of stones in the passage of our life but once in a while we may find a gem .Best friends are like one of those gems ,we should not take them for granted nor should we let ourselves get used that way by someone whom we might think as our friend because in both case that is not friendship .


That sounds quite sad but it's great that you made some good friends. Did you find it hard to make friends after you were bullied? I really like your post.


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## QueenOfCats (Jan 28, 2011)

Master Wolf said:


> Isn't it ironic that you are being social while asking if you should be social!??!
> 
> Good luck, many of us have been there, and still are


Lolol guess so. And thanks! I don't think friendships are really my thing. Too many social politics going on and too much commitment. But if I ever meet someone who seems like they'd be worth the time and effort, I'd try to become their friend.


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## Up and Away (Mar 5, 2011)

NerdyCool5EVAH said:


> Lolol guess so. And thanks! I don't think friendships are really my thing. Too many social politics going on and too much commitment. But if I ever meet someone who seems like they'd be worth the time and effort, I'd try to become their friend.


Well... what are you into? Lol


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