# Sx/So and Sp/Sx in Relationship



## mangosteen (Mar 7, 2013)

What are the benefits to this pairing? What are the downsides? The only reason why I ask this, is because I happen to be dating someone at the moment that is an Sx/So. There aren't many online descriptions on this pairing. All I happen to see is that a Sx/So's ideal match is a Sx/Sp, because they share the same dominant Sx. Which I don't understand completely.


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## kwarling (Jan 26, 2014)

Well, a problem Sx/so and Sp/sx relationships might have is that the Sx/so keeps reaching out and wanting more while the Sp/sx withdraws or ignores. Bonus points if the Sp/sx is a reclusive introvert. Sx/so may feel unfulfilled. They are often cited as a good mate to Sx/sps because the SX dominant types seek intense connections with someone and often the only ones who can fulfill that are other SX dominant types. Sx/so may also find the self-preservation part of the Sp/sx trivial and unrelatable. Just some random suggestions thrown out there.


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## spiderfrommars (Feb 22, 2012)

I'm in such a relationship. My girlfriend is sp/sx, and I'm sx/so. So I can tell you the issues and good points that arise from it in my relationship.

The biggest problem, predictably, is energy. I have a lot more of it than her. I find that a lot of the time, I want to ramp up, but she wants to calm down. I don't mean that I want to do "exciting" things like going to a club or whatever sx/so people are supposed to like, because I hate that stuff. It's more an issue of I want to have an interesting conversation vs. she wants to zone out and do a puzzle. She needs mental rest, and I don't. 

When living together, this becomes a problem, but it would probably be much less so in the early stages of a relationship--the sp/sx could relax when they were at home, and the sx/so enjoy exciting interactions with them.

Another problem is that I feel like she relies on me to do all the socializing/interacting with strangers, because I'm so-second, and she is so-last. This comes out in, for example, wanting me to talk to the cashier when we buy groceries, but also in sort of expecting that if somebody is at our house, I will do the bulk of interacting with them, making them comfortable, and making small talk. The problem with this arrangement is that I'm an introverted 5, and she's an extraverted 7! The other problem, more applicable to the sx/so and sp/sx dynamic: as a sx-first, I really have a hard time doing things at the surfact level.

I'm not sure what the upsides are, because we have a great relationship, and so I don't know what specific good parts come from the instincts. I hope this post doesn't make it sound like it's mostly negative, because it's not. For me, I think it is better that my partner not be sx-last, but sx-secondary works out pretty well. I like that we can share our obsessions and have conversations that go on for six hours (it's a problem), but she doesn't take all my "drama" as seriously as I do.

I wonder what sx-first would be like...fireworks! Maybe too much.

Maybe she could say more about the difficulties/good points about dating a sx/so, anything to add, @randomshoes?

Oh and, I don't believe in any "ideal match" theories. Everybody's got a different theory. I'm more interested in saying, "Now that these two people are already dating, how may they interact?" But I'm not going to go searching for my sx/sp ESTP (or is it ENTP) type whatever.


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## randomshoes (Dec 11, 2013)

Well, I certainly can't focus on my sexual instinct when I feel physically uncomfortable (if I'm sick, hungry, or tired). Because that's my first priority I think @spiderfrommars can feel lonely or unstimulated when I just go to sleep or whatever when she wants to have an involved conversation. So I end up feeling guilty for putting my self-pres needs first. 

Also, she tends to forget important things like feeding herself. Mostly I think it's cute and I enjoy making her food etc. What can become a problem is when she mentions some self-pres related thing (I'm starving/I feel sick/I'm really cold) that for me would be a big issue. I'll often start to stress about fulfilling her need even though it's not at all a big deal for her.


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## spiderfrommars (Feb 22, 2012)

randomshoes said:


> What can become a problem is when she mentions some self-pres related thing (I'm starving/I feel sick/I'm really cold) that for me would be a big issue. I'll often start to stress about fulfilling her need even though it's not at all a big deal for her.


Yes, this. If your sx/so grumbles about feeling sick, try to tune it out. It's not that it isn't true, but unless they're puking their guts out, they will quickly forget what they're feeling and become "bored" of it.

At least, I do. Maybe a ISxJ sx/so would have a different experience.


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## Sina (Oct 27, 2010)

randomshoes said:


> Well, I certainly can't focus on my sexual instinct when I feel physically uncomfortable (if I'm sick, hungry, or tired). Because that's my first priority I think @_spiderfrommars_ can feel lonely or unstimulated when I just go to sleep or whatever when she wants to have an involved conversation. So I end up feeling guilty for putting my self-pres needs first.
> 
> Also, she tends to forget important things like feeding herself. Mostly I think it's cute and I enjoy making her food etc. What can become a problem is when she mentions some self-pres related thing (I'm starving/I feel sick/I'm really cold) that for me would be a big issue. I'll often start to stress about fulfilling her need even though it's not at all a big deal for her.


I am Sp/Sx and my ex was Sx/So. He was, for reasons other than Enneagram stuffz, very in tune with my body. And, I have realized, over time, that I "need" that attention to my SP needs. I don't expect anyone to fawn over me, but I don't want to be placed at undue physical discomfort by a partner. I also fully expect them to pay close attention when I am in pain or overheated or starving or sick. :3 Slip-ups in this area don't go down well with me, at all..not at all..not even small ones. I am similarly attentive to my partners, though I am not and never have been considered 'smothering'. Sps tend to project their own physical needs etc. especially on loved ones. So, they can be quite nurturing and attentive in this regard. I know I am. 

My ex didn't mind me wanting to take care of his physical comfort etc., though he was fiercely self-reliant. And, I knew how to respect that. That said, he found my prioritization of his well being "touching". He valued it. I always know when to give people space, so it all worked out well. 

OP, there's an article in the, well, articles section that you're gonna have to go look up since I am too lazy. It addresses your question.

Personally, it was a GREAT pairing for me. It was a charged connection, and he focused on me like a damn laser. He was a very intense and passionate lover, and every day that we were together was like the first. My Sp had a more grounding influence, so I did a lot of financial planning etc. Though, he was no slob in this department. I just stressed about it far more than he ever did. 
When he felt there was a disconnect emotionally or mentally or in terms of intensity/how in synch we were, he would, after a while, find it distressing. It took me a while to empathize with that. Other than that, it was fantastic in every way. 

I would, however, not date an SP last who was too immature/'naive' in SP matters. I would also not date one who couldn't give me the focus I need, not just as far as emotional intimacy and charge are concerned, but where my physical well being is concerned. I've realized I can get rather angry and then withdraw if I feel like my Sp concerns are not a priority for my partner.


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## mangosteen (Mar 7, 2013)

Cosmic Orgasm said:


> I am Sp/Sx and my ex was Sx/So. He was, for reasons other than Enneagram stuffz, very in tune with my body. And, I have realized, over time, that I "need" that attention to my SP needs. I don't expect anyone to fawn over me, but I don't want to be placed at undue physical discomfort by a partner. I also fully expect them to pay close attention when I am in pain or overheated or starving or sick. :3 Slip-ups in this area don't go down well with me, at all..not at all..not even small ones. I am similarly attentive to my partners, though I am not and never have been considered 'smothering'. Sps tend to project their own physical needs etc. especially on loved ones. So, they can be quite nurturing and attentive in this regard. I know I am.
> 
> My ex didn't mind me wanting to take care of his physical comfort etc., though he was fiercely self-reliant. And, I knew how to respect that. That said, he found my prioritization of his well being "touching". He valued it. I always know when to give people space, so it all worked out well.
> 
> ...


Thank you for this. So far, everything you've explained is exactly how I feel with him. He definitely is in touch with me, very intense and his focus is very laser like. Also, very attentive. I loooooovvvvve it! As frustrating as it might be, it seems to me that he is attracted to my sp/sx. I enjoy being able to take care of him and have a place where he can find refuge.


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## Sina (Oct 27, 2010)

mangosteen said:


> Thank you for this. So far, everything you've explained is exactly how I feel with him. He definitely is in touch with me, very intense and his focus is very laser like. Also, very attentive. I loooooovvvvve it! As frustrating as it might be, it seems to me that he is attracted to my sp/sx. I enjoy being able to take care of him and have a place where he can find refuge.



Yes <3 I relate. 

Mmmm...attentiveness is a must in a lover. Inattentiveness and I am out...pretty much.


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