# When and how does one find what they want out of life?



## nO_d3N1AL (Apr 25, 2014)

I'll (try to) keep it short:

I'm 21, in my final year of university. During my undergrad I became fond of software development and decided that I should pursue this further - it is amongst the only things I feel like I can achieve a "flow" state in. So I finished my degree in economics, now doing Software Engineering. The problem is that all my life I've done what my parents told me to do, but I think I've always wanted to be some sort of entrepreneur. However, I do not know in what. For years it's never really bothered me because I always knew what the next step is, but now I have to start thinking about getting a job less than a year from now, so the fact that I haven't a clue what my goals are or where I should be aiming for is a bit frightening. I am a highly impatient person and I've kinda tried to justify my lack of a specific goal as being due to a lack of experience. And yet the more I think about it, the more I realise that the reason people end up living a boring, routine, ordinary life is because they put things off - living in the short term instead of having a vision. I don't want to fall into that trap.

I live a fairly simple life - I have never had a girlfriend, don't go out, never got drunk or go to social events - very much a minimalist in terms of life experiences. Whilst I long for a deep, meaningful relationship, I do not care for socialising more. When it comes to people, quality > quantity.

It's trying to find that balance between worrying too much and stressing out/impatience versus being complacent and lethargic. I feel as if to find out what I need to do, I need more information in the form of life experience, but I don't know how I'm going to get that. Any advice on how to define one's goals (or indeed whether having your whole life planned out is necessary) would be greatly appreciated. Thanks


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## Virgo (Jun 21, 2014)

Basically you're asking for the meaning of life? 

Just have fun. Enjoy it.
Unless you're religious, then that kind of defines it for you.


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## Nei (Dec 17, 2014)

It is always hard when someone asks for advice about finding their goals. But there's an excellent article on Mark Manson's blog about that issue. I generally recommend his stuff, this guy's got a point: Screw Finding Your Passion



> And yet the more I think about it, the more I realise that the reason people end up living a boring, routine, ordinary life is because they put things off - living in the short term instead of having a vision. I don't want to fall into that trap.


I agree with that thoroughly. For me, getting in touch with my overall value system and the idea of who I am at my core, really helped me see the road clearer. I dunno, if you have a vision, it becomes kinda obvious where to go next. And everything you do is designed to contribute to the big picture. I also hate being directionless, so it did really help me.


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## nO_d3N1AL (Apr 25, 2014)

Nei said:


> It is always hard when someone asks for advice about finding their goals. But there's an excellent article on Mark Manson's blog about that issue. I generally recommend his stuff, this guy's got a point: Screw Finding Your Passion
> 
> 
> 
> I agree with that thoroughly. For me, getting in touch with my overall value system and the idea of who I am at my core, really helped me see the road clearer. I dunno, if you have a vision, it becomes kinda obvious where to go next. And everything you do is designed to contribute to the big picture. I also hate being directionless, so it did really help me.


Thanks! That article kinda made things clearer for me.


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## Schizoid (Jan 31, 2015)

nO_d3N1AL said:


> I'll (try to) keep it short:
> 
> I'm 21, in my final year of university. During my undergrad I became fond of software development and decided that I should pursue this further - it is amongst the only things I feel like I can achieve a "flow" state in. So I finished my degree in economics, now doing Software Engineering. The problem is that all my life I've done what my parents told me to do, but I think I've always wanted to be some sort of entrepreneur. However, I do not know in what. For years it's never really bothered me because I always knew what the next step is, but now I have to start thinking about getting a job less than a year from now, so the fact that I haven't a clue what my goals are or where I should be aiming for is a bit frightening. I am a highly impatient person and I've kinda tried to justify my lack of a specific goal as being due to a lack of experience. And yet the more I think about it, the more I realise that the reason people end up living a boring, routine, ordinary life is because they put things off - living in the short term instead of having a vision. I don't want to fall into that trap.
> 
> ...


By making it a goal to try out everything in life at least once. Never be afraid of stepping out of your comfort zone. 
If you have an idea in mind, go explore it. Only by trying things out will you be able to figure out what you want in life.


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## Worriedfunction (Jun 2, 2011)

Isn't this an essential question of all human beings, or something like that...

Basically no one knows, not really, just some look more like they know what they're doing than others. It's more about assessing and adapting as you go, learning as you progress and realising you're essentially reliant on yourself and then once you've done that its about learning to let yourself be reliant on others again, except maybe with a better understanding of what that might mean to you.

However this is just my observation, don't trust me; afterall I don't know what I'm doing.


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## Swede (Apr 2, 2013)

@nO_d3N1AL, I think that your question is pretty complex since it entails really getting to know yourself (and thus your passions), while at the same time, our passions/needs/desires often change as a function of our development and/or current life situation.


My interpretation of your posts is that you are basically trying to figure out who you are on a deeper level. 


I'm also an INTJ and even at my age I consistently have the same problem as you have. For example, we have to write annual development plans at work and every year I just feel like "Meh. I really don't know what I want. I'm pretty happy with what I do.". The thing is, figuring out what you really want doesn't really come naturally to me for various reasons (I guess it's because Ni does not work that way). It is really hard work, takes a lot of 'active' thinking and actually strategical planning. Which INTJs can do, but only if we have the final goal defined and have the energy to go for it (normally something that ENTJs are better at).
The few times I've worked really hard and determinedly on moving in the company have been due to team issues and not due to the actual work.


However, I figured out early on that I work so that I can afford the things I really want.
And I have realized just the last couple of years that my one true desire is not "traveling", or "buying a sports car", but it's much more abstract and much larger - it's independence and a sense of security. It is a huge thing for me. It might be "boring", but that is what is really in my core. If I can't be independent, I can not be happy and nothing else would really matter.

So, I guess the tl'dr answer is
1) generate a development plan (where do you hope to be in 5 years? how do you plan to get there?)
2) realize that finding yourself takes a long time and you can't necessarily hurry that process
and 
3) how do you define "boring"?


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## with water (Aug 13, 2014)

My passion is PerC apparently.


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## castigat (Aug 26, 2012)

What @Swede said is solid advice. I understand getting pressured by the time constrictions, but you need to learn more about yourself and that will aid you in finding a more coherent direction. You can ask where you hope to be in the near future, as said, but stressing about it is going to make it worse. (I'm having the same experience.) It's really easy to just coast along in one thing because of satisfaction with what one has.

I don't think anyone here can tell you how to find yourself, or your purpose. It's a timed process and one that cannot be hastened, and impatience makes it nigh unbearable to wait for.

You say you're fond of software development. How so? Why? What do you want to do with it? Why, again? How can you quantify this? What are reasonable/realistic expectations that can be formed around this? Say you have a goal in mind: is that something you can see yourself being happy in, or is it something you would grow bored of? Is there something else you need on the side (i.e. a relationship, perhaps) in order to help balance things out?


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## nO_d3N1AL (Apr 25, 2014)

@Swede @castigat Thank you for your responses, great advice! I've watched a lot of motivational videos and all of them seem to be about how to get what you want. Whilst I find them entertaining, uplifting and somewhat helpful, I find that even if I have the right mindset and am willing to do what it takes, I just don't have the objective. I don't get why this is - everyone seems to know exactly what they want - they can paint you their dream life, what they want to have, where they want to live and so on. I on the other hand, have great difficulty defining a goal. I don't think I have as many problems reaching them as I do finding them, whereas for most people they find it easy to talk about what they want but don't really dedicate themselves towards achieving that. Either I'm really spoiled and lucky to have everything I want right now, or I just have no ambition. I do wonder if being introverted and never socialising or getting out of my comfort zone/routine is to blame. I mean, how can one get "life experience" when they can just choose to not do the things they don't see value in (such as being stereotypical and going out, getting drunk and so on)? It just seems that there's no way to meet people or do things with others that are similar to me or have similar interests without doing something that I'm not comfortable with.


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## castigat (Aug 26, 2012)

nO_d3N1AL said:


> @_Swede_ @_castigat_ Thank you for your responses, great advice! I've watched a lot of motivational videos and all of them seem to be about how to get what you want. Whilst I find them entertaining, uplifting and somewhat helpful, I find that even if I have the right mindset and am willing to do what it takes, I just don't have the objective. I don't get why this is - everyone seems to know exactly what they want - they can paint you their dream life, what they want to have, where they want to live and so on. I on the other hand, have great difficulty defining a goal. I don't think I have as many problems reaching them as I do finding them, whereas for most people they find it easy to talk about what they want but don't really dedicate themselves towards achieving that. Either I'm really spoiled and lucky to have everything I want right now, or I just have no ambition. I do wonder if being introverted and never socialising or getting out of my comfort zone/routine is to blame. I mean, how can one get "life experience" when they can just choose to not do the things they don't see value in (such as being stereotypical and going out, getting drunk and so on)? It just seems that there's no way to meet people or do things with others that are similar to me or have similar interests without doing something that I'm not comfortable with.


I don't socialize much nor have much "life experience" when it comes to years or exposure to other people—in fact, I'm quite stunted in those regards, but I do have something of a goal. It's not large, it's not grandiose, and it took time and honest introspection, but it was a conclusion I reached when I finally realized what would make _me_ happy.

I'm sorry for the self-focus there. It could be that you're internalizing the expectations of society (and possibly your peers) and that is proving troublesome in regards to your own path, or—and this is my suspicion, though don't take it too seriously as I don't know you personally—you're lacking in some self-knowledge. That, regardless of what you do to get there, is going to take time. You're pressured by time and expectations to make a decision you may not be ready for. Hell, I'm inclined to ask how you define a "boring" job, because if it's anything that sounds like a summary of a core "lack of contribution to society" (i.e. "I realise that the reason people end up living a boring, routine, ordinary life is *because they put things off - living in the short term instead of having a vision. I don't want to fall into that trap*") , I'd think it's not you speaking.

The thing is, and this is my opinion, that it is unrealistic to believe that you can have your entire life planned out down to the finest detail, whether that's because of your age, or (and this is the part I lean toward) at any age at all. _Many_ things can come in to blindside you and your vision and it will be up to you, at some point, to adapt to that situation, but the point I'm getting at here is that just _having a foundation_ is a step forward. It may not be clear, it may not match everyone else (and I don't see why it should, necessarily), but if you have that, it's a start. I sound like a cheesy motivational speaker, lol.

I think you have ambition. You're in a state where you are dissatisfied with something, and you want to find a way to get out of that and improve or succeed. The more important part is defining success and arbitrary things like 'boredom' based on your own parameters rather than others'. I realize how this may trip up coming into practice with reality as with job searches or others wanting you to be more refined and clear, but you don't _need_ to be specific, or know everything. It can be tangible or intangible. What is more important is that it matters to _you,_ and once you find something that you are fully comfortable with, I would venture to think that it would be easier for you to figure out other parts as well.

tl;dr self-knowledge lol. Once you have a better idea of all your comforts and limits and values and whatnot, you'll have an easier time framing things around you in that criteria.

also, having these crises at the end of schooling is _very_ common


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## nO_d3N1AL (Apr 25, 2014)

@_castigat_ Thanks once again, great points. The thing I'm wondering is that if I don't know what I want now or where I want to be/will be a year from now, 3 years from now, 10 years from now etc. then when will I know? It's that fear of "life passing you by" and not knowing where that time has gone, what you have achieved, what you were aiming towards. This is something I've always thought about even at a younger age and teen years, but thought that with age, the answers would come. Here I am and they still haven't. A lot of people seem to know these things the minute they're born, it appears. You know the kind of people - those that look like they belong in their job/career. It's this balance between complacency/"Relax, just chill and go about your business, something will come up" vs. "OMG you need to know right now otherwise your life is screwed and you will never be happy!" - and how this balance changes (or should change) with age. At 21 I feel like I'm definitely at the "feeling rushed" stage. I don't know if that's a good thing or not.


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## castigat (Aug 26, 2012)

nO_d3N1AL said:


> @_castigat_ Thanks once again, great points. The thing I'm wondering is that if I don't know what I want now or where I want to be/will be a year from now, 3 years from now, 10 years from now etc. then when will I know? It's that fear of "life passing you by" and not knowing where that time has gone, what you have achieved, what you were aiming towards. This is something I've always thought about even at a younger age and teen years, but thought that with age, the answers would come. Here I am and they still haven't. A lot of people seem to know these things the minute they're born, it appears. You know the kind of people - those that look like they belong in their job/career. It's this balance between complacency/"Relax, just chill and go about your business, something will come up" vs. "OMG you need to know right now otherwise your life is screwed and you will never be happy!" - and how this balance changes (or should change) with age. At 21 I feel like I'm definitely at the "feeling rushed" stage. I don't know if that's a good thing or not.


You're not wrong. It's very much a balance of "go about your business and it will come" and "DO IT NOWWWWWWW" lol.

But really, do you have _any_ idea what you might want to do with software engineering? Again, even something small is a start, even if it's not the exact thing required to be some fat cat down the line, or some solid plan fitting the parameters society has set.

I've found—and this is only personal, but it might help? who knows—that planning a little for something small will lead you to experiences that both build up to that thing and show you other options that can be included in that path, or fit some overarching theme, like "software engineering".

I don't have much practical advice so it may be better found in someone older with more actual experience, haha.


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## nO_d3N1AL (Apr 25, 2014)

castigat said:


> You're not wrong. It's very much a balance of "go about your business and it will come" and "DO IT NOWWWWWWW" lol.
> 
> But really, do you have _any_ idea what you might want to do with software engineering? Again, even something small is a start, even if it's not the exact thing required to be some fat cat down the line, or some solid plan fitting the parameters society has set.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your advice. My best friend is interested in becoming a singer-songwriter and wants to move to California. He's been talking about it for the past few years and is genuinely serious despite having lived in the same house pretty much all his life! Yet i'm the one that is used to moving around and also have some money if I wanted to go there. Perhaps I should just go with him as Silicon Valley will have all the high-flying jobs. I don't know if we're both being unrealistic but sometimes you gotta take the risk, see what's out there. Besides, it's not like I have a better plan; although my parents are likely to strongly disapprove and try to persuade me to do a PhD - which again, I have no idea what it'd be in should I choose to pursue that. I'd like to be an entrepreneur though - working in a start-up tech firm.


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## kittenklyn (Nov 2, 2015)

nO_d3N1AL said:


> I'll (try to) keep it short:
> 
> I'm 21, in my final year of university. During my undergrad I became fond of software development and decided that I should pursue this further - it is amongst the only things I feel like I can achieve a "flow" state in. So I finished my degree in economics, now doing Software Engineering. The problem is that all my life I've done what my parents told me to do, but I think I've always wanted to be some sort of entrepreneur. However, I do not know in what. For years it's never really bothered me because I always knew what the next step is, but now I have to start thinking about getting a job less than a year from now, so the fact that I haven't a clue what my goals are or where I should be aiming for is a bit frightening. I am a highly impatient person and I've kinda tried to justify my lack of a specific goal as being due to a lack of experience. And yet the more I think about it, the more I realise that the reason people end up living a boring, routine, ordinary life is because they put things off - living in the short term instead of having a vision. I don't want to fall into that trap.
> 
> ...


Well, you're not going to figure this out by living the life that others tell you to live. You have to find out what makes you tick or burn. That came for me when I heard a speech from a north Korean refugee. That lead me to, what I believe, to be my purpose in life. To help people who have awful and shitty lives. This brought me to learning about human trafficking, animal cruelty, and more. I am now an anti-trafficking activist, animal rights activist, feminist, etc etc. I donate to groups like A21, and more. 

But here's the deal: I would never have heard about the atrocities in North Korea unless I learned about them. That's the most important thing: Knowledge. 

Read, listen, explore- learn. 

One way to do this is to travel to another country. When I graduated highschool, instead of going to college, I went to Egypt for 3 months. I still regard that as one of the best decisions of my entire life. 

My advice: Explore new activities, get out of your comfort zone, meet new people, and learn everything that you can. Don't live a certain way just because somebody told you too. Living is living, and often the best lives are lived unconventionally. 

If you want anything more, post quote me here or PM me  I'm always open for a nice chat.


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## aef8234 (Feb 18, 2012)

Randomly.


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## nO_d3N1AL (Apr 25, 2014)

kittenklyn said:


> Well, you're not going to figure this out by living the life that others tell you to live. You have to find out what makes you tick or burn. That came for me when I heard a speech from a north Korean refugee. That lead me to, what I believe, to be my purpose in life. To help people who have awful and shitty lives. This brought me to learning about human trafficking, animal cruelty, and more. I am now an anti-trafficking activist, animal rights activist, feminist, etc etc. I donate to groups like A21, and more.
> 
> But here's the deal: I would never have heard about the atrocities in North Korea unless I learned about them. That's the most important thing: Knowledge.
> 
> ...


Good to hear you found your "calling". May I ask at what age this was? Do you even think it matters? For me I want to be successful in the world of tech but I feel that at 21 I really should have, I dunno, invented the next Facebook or whatever. I look at all these entrepreneurs and they practically made it (or at least had an idea) in their 20s and I feel that if something doesn't happen soon I'll end up living a boring, "normal" life.


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## Chamondelle (Sep 8, 2013)

I was a very social person until I made mistakes and realize people just go....boom vanished out of your life like that. Then I started being aloof and distant. Be an observer. Who once had been jealous of other's life and realize how powerless I am. Then my observation began and I kinda dig into my inner self more, realizing humanity and meaning of life.

I believe after hardships people would be wiser if they stay silent off outside noises and just listen to their inner voice okay I say some weird things.


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## kittenklyn (Nov 2, 2015)

nO_d3N1AL said:


> Good to hear you found your "calling". May I ask at what age this was? Do you even think it matters? For me I want to be successful in the world of tech but I feel that at 21 I really should have, I dunno, invented the next Facebook or whatever. I look at all these entrepreneurs and they practically made it (or at least had an idea) in their 20s and I feel that if something doesn't happen soon I'll end up living a boring, "normal" life.


I first heard about North Korea when I was 18. It was my last year of highschool. 
It's not about what you feel like you should do, its about doing what you want to do. For me, that means helping ad many people as i can. I've learned that "you only have what you give" and that in giving, I am satisfied. My life is good. 

Don't do what you think you should, do what you know you want. Again. The only way to know what you want is to learn new things and have new experiences. Trust me: Travel for awhile, it will come to you.


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