# Help, I don't know where else to turn to.



## murderegina (Jan 7, 2010)

This isn't like me to ask for help so openly but for the first time, I'm going to spill everything. I don't know what else to do. I'm in my senior year of high school. My options of where I'm going to college are very slim because I had to leave high school during my sophomore year because of medical reasons and I hardly passed. Now, two years later, I have that against me and my emotional baggage entail. My two best friends of 12 years both have their separate paths. One of them is going to USD on a scholarship which is on the other side of the country. The other best friend, who also happens to be her sister, has been working on her music for the past 6 years very hard and recently has been recruiting by a lot of major labels. I'm very happy for both of them because I love them and they worked hard and deserve this. But I'm also worried about myself. I'm scared I'll never make anything out of my life. A lot of people claim to be emotional wrecks, but I have come to the conclusion that this unsightly label applies to me too. I've become a recluse with no hobby and nothing constructive to do. Over the past 6 months, I think about killing myself on regular basis, because I'd rather be dead than be a failure at life. I have nothing left to lose. I can hardly motivate myself to do anything. I've been seeing a psychologist for the past 4 years, I recently have been seeing a behavior therapist too. I've tried medication for ADD, depression, and anxiety. But it doesn't help, mostly because I don't think that's the problem. I'm reaching out with this long rant, because from the bottom of my heart, I NEED help. Please, if you have read this, thank you. I don't think this is a cross roads in my life, I think I've reached a dead end. 
:sad:


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## 480 (Jan 22, 2009)

Have you expressed this to your psychologist?


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## Vaka (Feb 26, 2010)

I'm really not good for advice and I don't know how to help you...the way I am, I never really think anything's the end. I never really think I have to stop going. I mean you're young, you have a long way to go and you still have the world to make your own...You remind me a bit of my mom when she was in high school...not exactly, but somewhat. She was depressed and had extreme anxiety...she ended up having to be home schooled for a good part of high school and no one thought she was gonna do anything; she didn't even get the best grades in school, but she ended up going to a good college...I think she said she wrote a really awesome entrance essay or something to get in, but she got in none the less. She actually ended up graduating from college with all As...my point is, you can never feel like it's the end and feel like there's no where to go because there always is...I'm the kinda person who believes that no matter where you are in life, you can still follow your heart and do what you want.

I was never very driven...and I don't think it has anything to do with my ADD or anything; I became more driven when I started learning more about myself and who I was and when I became sure of what I wanted in life...when that happened I became an optimist whereas before I was a pessimist...I always had anxiety and I had some other problems, and I don't know how I got over those exactly, but it was when I started learning more about myself and when I started loving the positive traits I have...what really works is changing the way you think...saying positive things to yourself. That was one of the things one of my counselors told me to do to get over my social anxiety; although I ended up fully ridding myself of my social anxiety after I learned more about myself and started loving who I was. I don't care about anything or anyone else in regards to myself anymore...I know I can do whatever I want...and if you're around 17 or 18, it's definitely not the end no matter what everyone around you is doing or what people say...just know what you want not what other people are doing...just go for it because it's never too late. And never think you're not awesome

I don't know if that helps any, but that's all I have to say <3


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## murderegina (Jan 7, 2010)

Grim said:


> Have you expressed this to your psychologist?


Somewhat, not the suicide part though. My psychologist just tells me "you can do whatever you put your mind to" or "just try new things, get a hobby." She always leaves me feeling worse because I feel misunderstood. I know what I_ should_ do, but I feel I'm missing something that allows me to. I feel broken at my core. I can't bring myself to get a hobby, because I'm not interested in anything enough to do it. I wish I could just reset my mind and only think positive, but that's not the case. I have capabilities, but I fear I'll never exert my potential. And with every day passed, I can feel me losing a little bit more of who I used to be and that who I'm becoming isn't just a phase. I don't want to be this person. I don't know what to do. This feeling of impending doom isn't some confabulation of my mind, ya know? This my reality.


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## Vaka (Feb 26, 2010)

Sorry I can't help you


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## murderegina (Jan 7, 2010)

queenofleaves said:


> Sorry I can't help you


No, your thoughtfulness is helpful. I hope I can be like your mom and pull through!


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## Vaka (Feb 26, 2010)

murderegina said:


> No, your thoughtfulness is helpful. I hope I can be like your mom and pull through!


You can !


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## pinkrasputin (Apr 13, 2009)

Murderegina. I'd like to talk to you about goals. I am going to PM. I would like to find more out. I will help you help yourself if I can. :wink:


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## Marino (Jun 26, 2009)

I have been suicidal for much more life as well. I only have one piece of advice:
FUCK what others think you should do. What is the most important thing that YOU think you should do with your life? When you realize what this is, the motivation is intrinsic. It may be difficult, but you realize that you have no other choice but to pursue this path. What do you ENJOY?


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## 480 (Jan 22, 2009)

murderegina said:


> Somewhat, not the suicide part though. My psychologist just tells me "you can do whatever you put your mind to" or "just try new things, get a hobby." She always leaves me feeling worse because I feel misunderstood. I know what I_ should_ do, but I feel I'm missing something that allows me to. I feel broken at my core. I can't bring myself to get a hobby, because I'm not interested in anything enough to do it. I wish I could just reset my mind and only think positive, but that's not the case. I have capabilities, but I fear I'll never exert my potential. And with every day passed, I can feel me losing a little bit more of who I used to be and that who I'm becoming isn't just a phase. I don't want to be this person. I don't know what to do. This feeling of impending doom isn't some confabulation of my mind, ya know? This my reality.


Even a confabulation of the mind can be _a_ reality. It might be only yours, but in your world that's the only one that matters right now. There's no invalidation for how you feel.

If you don't feel like you can open up to your psychologist... request a new one. If you've thinking about suicide, and she's not picking up on how bad off you are, and not giving you helpful advice, and you don't feel able to share with her... it's a pretty sure sign that she's not right for you.

The other side of the coin is: have you been open with her at all? If you're always hiding how you feel and what you think... it's going to be damn hard for any psychologist to help you. Understanding how the mind works is not the same as being able to read minds. I know how a printer works, but I can't predict what is going to be printed. Also, following the advice given is important, even if you don't feel like it. Something you might have heard your psychologist say is "fake it until you can make it". It's a "catch 22" you're depressed so you don't feel like doing any activities... but the activities can help break you out of your depression. 

What potential do you feel is being wasted? Is it a general "I'm so totally awesome" kind of potential, or is it "I'm really good at X"? If it's more specific; find a hobby that includes that sort of thing. You'll start feeling better once you see the results of your personal strengths in some tangible form. I don't think this is a cure, or a fix-all... but it can help get you out of your danger zone, until such time as you can find ways to cope, and grow.

As for resetting your mind... be patient with yourself. There's no magic switch... when you find yourself thinking something negative, stop the process mentally. Apply the brakes and "force" a positive thought, in addition to thinking something positive (and it's OK if it's the same positive thought every time) do something to reinforce the behavior, pet a animal. Eat a sweet. Listen to a favorite song.

Starting this thread tells me that you know you need help, and it also shows that you want to live. That in itself relieves a lot of concern. Even still... between us--you and I, I want to make a pact. I want you to promise me if you ever get to a point where you don't want to live anymore you'll tell me. For my part; I will not let you go. I will do whatever it takes to get you an appropriate level of help.

Deal?


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## murderegina (Jan 7, 2010)

Grim said:


> Even a confabulation of the mind can be _a_ reality. It might be only yours, but in your world that's the only one that matters right now. There's no invalidation for how you feel.
> 
> If you don't feel like you can open up to your psychologist... request a new one. If you've thinking about suicide, and she's not picking up on how bad off you are, and not giving you helpful advice, and you don't feel able to share with her... it's a pretty sure sign that she's not right for you.
> 
> ...


Deal. I also don't know what hobbies I'd be good at or anything like that. I just meant to do well in college, if I can even get where I want to go. I don't know what positive thoughts to have. I wish there was a check list I could follow and feel like I'm making some progress. I've been doing the "fake it til you make it" for 9 months, and I don't feel it's helped. Thank you so much. I hope can find some more good in myself and pair it up with a hobby, because I'm really in a rut, feeling target-less.


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## murderegina (Jan 7, 2010)

Marino said:


> YouTube - Jack's Mannequin-Swim (OFFICIAL MUSIC VIDEO)
> 
> I have been suicidal for much more life as well. I only have one piece of advice:
> FUCK what others think you should do. What is the most important thing that YOU think you should do with your life? When you realize what this is, the motivation is intrinsic. It may be difficult, but you realize that you have no other choice but to pursue this path. What do you ENJOY?
> ...


I wish I enjoyed something....because I feel you're right. If only, if only...I could find it! I don't enjoy anything..


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## pinkrasputin (Apr 13, 2009)

I know we'll talk more. But I just wanted to add a few things that might help you or might help others.

Right now is a very crazy, yet wonderful time for you. (Haha, I obviously say that in retrospect having the attempts myself at 17). Anyway, what I think is happening is that the world you believed in and the way you've always identified yourself is collapsing around you. But you really have an opportunity to get through this transition whole. The people, who don't manage to get through this transition set themselves up for midlife crisis in later years. And that is all what mid life crisis is. It is the unresolved battle that you are going through now. You can do this. I believe in you and I know you believe in you. 

There is a problem when you believe that what other's think of you matter. But it's very normal for you right now. You HAD to believe this because for the most part, you were a child and were often told what to do. So part of your belief system was about "doing the right thing", "pleasing others" and "gaining your identity off of what other 's thought of you." You were on a certain path that you believed would work. You liked the idea of the college you were going to because it pleased others. It fit into your "correct picture". But you probably were never really certain in your heart if you wanted to do it. You also didn't make it happen for whatever the reasons are.

You never truly listened to your heart because you didn't know it was okay to listen to your heart. Pleasing mom and dad, comparing yourself to others, guilt over past mistakes, clouded your direct channel to your heart. Now you really have no choice but to start listening to it. Those other ways of seeing yourself aren't working for you anymore. The things that you thought made you "real" were false images. It wasn't your identity. Pleasing other's doesn't work because people leave you. You know you are growing away from the child you once were so now it's scary to begin seeing your parents in a different light. You feel alone, but what you have is better. You have you. You are becoming beautiful. Your heart is busting open because it can't be ignored anymore. It is going to bust open and pour out it's light. 

I don't know about you, but I can't do a damn thing if my heart isn't in it. I could never go and get some random hobby that I don't give a shit about. I simply won't go. This must be especially true for you right now. You are trying to find out what you want. Don't let what other's think affect your choice. If I listen to my heart, I know I will be successful at whatever I choose to do, whether it's running or underwater basket weaving. Choose activities that make you happy. Choose the career that makes you happy, that makes your heart flip out. I promise you, it will never feel like you are working a day in your life.

So what? You may not go to a certain college and not live the life of your girlfriends. This is YOUR path. Don't compare. VALIDATE your path. No one can do this for you. If you don't get in, you have plenty of other options. Some that are probably FAR LESS stressful. Go hang out at a J.C. , get your G.E. out of the way until you can figure out what major you'd LOVE! Then you can transfer to wherever you want to go. It's like a great big "do over" from high school. There is nothing wrong with this. It saves money too. 

When you choose a job, choose it because you love it. Learn this now. Dedicate your life to following your heart.
Many people who follow their head instead, end up in unhappy jobs. Their life comes crashing down and 40 or 50 because they realize they've been living their life for everyone else except them. Believe me, I've transitioned so many men into their next phase (took them out of mid life). They chose their career for the money, the cars, or the babes only to still find themselves 50, alone and incredibly unhappy. Then they finally begin the work you are going to begin now. This is why it's going to be beautiful for you. 

People's judgement of you doesn't matter. It never will. You will miss your friends, but you will find new ones. You may even stay in touch with the old ones. It's okay to grieve and mourn transitions, even if they are good ones. Take the time to honor them. It's okay to cry. Crying releases hormones that actually relax you. If someone asks you "Why aren't you going to that school.." or "Why are you staying an extra year.." Just stand firm in your belief. Be confident in your heart you've made the right choices. No can judge you. No one has lived your life. You know what it took to get you here. You have nothing to apologize for. 

Wait to really listen to your heart and find out what you'd love to do. If the only thing you love to do for now is PC cafe and chatting with other's that's okay. Journalling will also help you figure it out. Try not to do things because "you should". Don't "should" on yourself :wink:

Breathe and try to hear your heart. You are there for you. You have to remind yourself of this. NO ONE can ever love you the way you can love you. 

Hope this helps. Talk real soon.:happy:


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## Vaka (Feb 26, 2010)

And I have to add, because I feel God has helped me alot with some things, praying helps...I didn't want to put it at first because I didn't know if it would offend you, but there are some really miraculous changes I've gone through, I mean things I didn't know would even be possible...It's something that completely changed the way I thought and looked at life...and I feel God helped


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## Penemue (Feb 23, 2010)

This is going to sound ridiculous, but bear with me. Buy a plant.
It may sound stupid, but having one thing to do and take care of can easily stop you panicking and drag you out of a pit that seems bottomless. Trust me. It sounds like you need to adopt a "One thing at a time" mentality, it sounds like you are panicking about things off in the future.
Do you have one thing that calms you down? It may be as simple as drinking some tea, or playing a certain song. Find something that you can focus on or that just lets you let go of the worry for even just a little while. For example, i am building a rubber band ball, which really helps when it seems hopeless. Just something mindless to do with a small sense of acheivement.
I think that it is good that you came on here, it allows you to talk to people about problems without them judging you or ever having to see the face to face. I hope this helped, even just a little. You have to find joy in the little things. Good luck


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## 480 (Jan 22, 2009)

murderegina said:


> Deal. I also don't know what hobbies I'd be good at or anything like that. I just meant to do well in college, if I can even get where I want to go. I don't know what positive thoughts to have. I wish there was a check list I could follow and feel like I'm making some progress. I've been doing the "fake it til you make it" for 9 months, and I don't feel it's helped. Thank you so much. I hope can find some more good in myself and pair it up with a hobby, because I'm really in a rut, feeling target-less.


Just keep it simple, find a professional you feel comfortable opening up to, and whose advice you respect and will make an effort to follow. When you find that, everything else should fall into place, hobbies, interest, school, etc.


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## susurration (Oct 22, 2009)

Regina, I felt a bit of a lump in my throat reading this. I have been in a similar situation. I'm still working through it now, to tell you the truth, but I just want to say a few things (although, I think you may have a lot more *you *need to say too, as opposed to me just talking at you). I read all that you said, and I can understand where you are coming from, although I do not feel your exact pain. 

What do you do when you feel like you have nothing, there will be nothing, and you've lost many opportunities that you would've really liked to have made the most out of, but have totally lost interest in everything?

Whatever thoughts and feelings going through you right now, you are allowed to feel. None of them are wrong. You aren't wrong for reaching this stage. Hurting isn't wrong, crying isn't wrong, anger isn't wrong, desperation isn't wrong. Let yourself feel it, let the thoughts come into your mind... and move through it. Squeeze your fists.. tense your body, and then relax. Feel the hurt and the thoughts for what they are... and release them. Visualize releasing balloons, throwing rocks into a beautiful river, watching grains of sand slip between your fingers. The thoughts and feelings may keep coming back... well keep feeling them, and thinking the thoughts... and keep releasing them. 

Take yourself out of isolation. It often exacerbates the total disconnection with everything. You may tell yourself "it wont make me happy, I know exactly what's going to happen... so why should I go out?"... "why should I do things when I don't feel like it?". 

I kept telling myself that when I isolated myself last year. But every time I did go out, even for something like a walk, it was never as bad as I thought it would be. Cut through the emotional barrier of motivation. Once you move through the hurt, you can start trying to think objectively. When I don't want to do something because I don't feel like it, I think to myself "what can I do to help myself? what is most efficient for me? I don't want to hurt anymore, what can I do to make this a lot easier on myself?". I realise that sitting around procrastinating, will not help me in the long run, so I do work. 

If you are isolated, and are not a part of school, uni or work, it may still be very hard to get yourself to do things, because your life may be very *unstructured*. Well, I tell you what was a crucial part of my growth. You are capable of being very empathetic, right? well use it. Is there somewhere (one place or varied places) where you can volunteer on a regular basis? If being a part of peoples lives, and contributing to others, motivates and gives your purpose, than volunteering may be an avenue you may like to pursue. If you need help getting motivated to seek placement, perhaps you can get a group of people to help you, or join in, or one of us here can support you in this (unfortunately I don't live in the US, but I don't mind helping you). Helping other people helps me get into objective/empathetic mode, and out of my own head. 

Every day I carry around my university with a heavy bag on my back. I can hardly lift it, it's that heavy. Because we don't have access to lockers, I have to carry it around when I go for a walk (daily exercise is great). In my senior years of highschool, I carried around a heavy bag too. So i've been carrying around heavy bags every day for about 3 years. 
The other day, I didn't take a bag to the uni, and I felt incredibly weird. I couldn't believe how light I felt without the bag, except I still felt a 'phantom' heaviness, like it was still there. However, every time I get up to walk around now, I am aware of my own 'lightness'. I get back pain as a remnant of my years of carrying around a heavy bag, I am super aware of what lightness feels like. 

You may be carrying around a heavy burden right now, but you can begin to unload objects out of it, one by one... until you actually take it off. What can you look forward to? you can look foward to, and start working towards taking the bag off, and regaining a sense of that lightness. Maybe you'll have back pain forever, but Regina, to be keenly aware of that lightness... it's worth fighting for. I have an illness that I will probably have for the rest of my life, but I still see the light. And I still feel light. Because I am free in my mind, regardless of what circumstances come my way. 

What do you want to do with your life? what do you want to say that you never say? what do you need to express? what do you need? what do you want? what can the world offer you? what is this life? what is your life? What are the effects of each of your decisions?

You have options. You always have options. Regardless of whether you feel like you've failed, the sun keeps coming up, and your breath continues. You can do this. But maybe you cant do it alone. Maybe you need support, and if no one listens and no one knows, take a deep breath and reach out to someone like you did today.

You can do more than just stay afloat... you can grow. 

Come talk to me whenever you need.

lots of xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo's, Regina. If you ever feel like pressing the eject button, run outside and scream.


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## murderegina (Jan 7, 2010)

Wow. You all have been so helpful. I feel less alone. I hope that in a few months I can look back on this thread and feel I've made progress. I appreciate all your responses more than you know. <3


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## kingcarcas (Mar 23, 2010)

Same with me, i'm at JC just getting through the general requirements, i have no friends and currently no job. You could go to the career center and take some tests to get an idea of what you're interested in doing.

To the person who said get a plant, i will add get a pet if you don't already have one they can brighten your day! I've also been thinking of volunteering myself.

Sometimes i feel like i have nothing to look forward to and if it weren't for my cousin spending time with me occasionally i'd probably have done myself in, maybe you have a family member you can talk to.


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## SeekJess (Nov 1, 2009)

It sounds to me you feel like you are lacking motivation or drive. It will get better. I can't promise you when or how fast, but it will. Your friends have their own destiny, just as you have your own. Maybe yours hasn't opened up yet, but don't give up! Because it will be beautiful, just give it some time.


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