# My worst fear...



## Marino (Jun 26, 2009)

is becoming my dad.

My dad is highly intelligent, very handsome, eccentric, able to hold a conversation on any topic that comes up, adventurous, loves to travel, and funny. 

I have never been so afraid of someone in my entire life.

He has been married and divorced five times. My mother was his fourth wife. He is currently dating a sixth woman. He is highly critical and judgmental, and emotionally abusive. 

The abuse I have seen inflicted upon my mother, I cannot verbalize. It is all too clear, all too vivid in my mind. Some things, unfortunately, are unforgettable. Some wounds do not heal. Some scars do not fade.

I still love, him, I really do, but I cannot forgive him for what he did to my mother. He can never take back what he did, and he can never be sorry, he is truly incapable of remorse. My mother said that he is most likely a Sociopath, as he merely manipulates people for his own benefit, discarding them when they have served his purpose. 

He is a very good liar, he really is. He says he loves us, but he never tries to call. He says that he regrets what he has given up, a life with his family, but he never tries to visit us.

What scares me so much is...

I see myself in him. I see a mirror image of what could happen. It is like I am seeing into a parallel universe, with my father being my potential fate. My worst fear is for this to come true. My worst fear is for me to hurt someone that I love. 

Thankfully, I KNOW that I am incapable of the cruelty has inflicted. I KNOW that I have something that he does not - a conscious. I KNOW that I could never hurt someone I love. I just..couldn't. 

Yes, maybe him and I are very similar. Maybe we are both into neuroscience (he is a neurosurgeon). Maybe we both like the same things in women - intelligence. Maybe we can both be egocentric and highly critical of others while being completely hypocritical...

but I KNOW what can happen if I let myself be a monster like him. 

Thank you, dad. That is the best lesson you could ever teach me - serving as an example how to NOT live. I do not want to die lonely and old.


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## PeacePassion (Jun 9, 2009)

That's beautiful Marino. Awareness and choice can transform any negative inheritance into an opportunity for change. You are you, not your father, and your life is made of the choices you make and how you live them! I mean that to be encouraging, I find it encouraging myself. I think my father may be sociopathic too. There's a book called 'the sociopath next door' that i've been wanting to read. Anyway, sorry to hear too about the abuse you endured. Especially if it never escalated into something physical, it can be hard to heal from when it was so covert. And some things take generations to heal, but we all do our part!


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## Kokos (Dec 28, 2008)

That's funny, my INTP best friend have somehow this kind of problem of a charismatic father leaving his family behind to build another somewhere. And that fear of being one day like his father ...


To be honest, i had problems with my father too.

But there was a difference, he was present and maybe too present in my life.

Like you I both loved and hated him of all my soul. He is the source of all the anger i have inside myself. And I don't even know too if he's conscious of all the bad stuff he did around him, because he's definitely not the type to apologize.

When i was your age (18). He had a cancer of the lungs, i don't know if i had to punish him, but i didn't visited him at the hospital; i remember getting him out of my head, i was actually glad he wasn't at home so i could think about myself for once and live in a stress free atmosphere.

But now that i've grown up, i realized something, he's not just my "dad", he's not just the authority i had to contest and go against : he is just another human being with his good sides and his bad sides, and he do what he do because he suffered all his youth because of his lack of money and family.

And wow.

From that point, i suddenly stopped hating him, i detached myself from his influence and realized that all the choices i did in my life were mostly influenced by my relationship with him, because i was going against everything he was representing.

And now even if it's not always easy, i'm amazed by realizing actually how much he has to learn me about life and myself, if i do the effort to listen to what he do or what he have to say. 

And i'm grateful because in a way, i'm realizing he actually learned a lot when i was young ... 


I wish that you too will be able to forgive one day before the time finish its malicious plans; for me, i'm not sure i've did it completely ..


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## Nightriser (Nov 8, 2008)

Is there anyone who doesn't have serious parent issues around here? I'm not trying to put you down or anything, it just seems that everyone seems to have those issues around here. 

Then again, I suppose the selection bias is at work here. People are far more likely to discuss having a problematic relationship than having a fairly smooth, happy relationship. 

I'm paranoid that my mother is a control freak, trying to break me to her will. Every criticism from her seems like an attempt to make me do things her way. I told myself that I would never be like her, but I sometimes wonder if I'm guilty of the same things I accuse her of, particularly being unsympathetic and bitter. Every time I get angry with her, I inevitably ask myself, "Do I do the same thing I'm angry at her for?" Often, the answer is yes.


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## Linesky (Dec 10, 2008)

All I can say is...

*N (iNtuition function [needs a clear cut definition: not a poor one as some people give it when comparing S and N descriptions] at its best and worst)

NT (one of its kids)

Psychiatric associations

Genetics

-> Fight & Overcome OR fall for the same trap*

This is not the first time I see this. I'm actually also one of the examples I'm using.


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