# Can men and women TRULY be friends without the sexual tension?



## FlaviaGemina (May 3, 2012)

L'Enfant Terrible said:


> Yes, however in most cases one of the two have some sort of feelings for the other person.


Of course they have feelings for each other. How could they be friends if they were indifferent to each other? That's the same in same-sex friendships. I wouldn't be best friends with my best girl friend if I didn't have feelings for her.


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## L'Enfant Terrible (Jun 8, 2014)

FlaviaGemina said:


> Of course they have feelings for each other. How could they be friends if they were indifferent to each other? That's the same in same-sex friendships. I wouldn't be best friends with my best girl friend if I didn't have feelings for her.


I was obviously talking about romantic feelings. Of course anybody in any sort of relationship will have feelings - however it would be quite creepy if there were romantic feelings involved in a friendship (that has to stay a friendship) or god forbbid in other types of relationships such as parents-children.


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## FlaviaGemina (May 3, 2012)

L'Enfant Terrible said:


> I was *obviously* talking about romantic feelings. Of course anybody in any sort of relationship will have feelings - however it would be quite creepy if there were romantic feelings involved in a friendship (that has to stay a friendship) or god forbbid in other types of relationships such as parents-children.


In what way was that obvious? Just winding you up, because I don't agree with the way that "feelings" is used as a synonym for sexual attraction. 
There are all kinds of feelings between friends, like trust, enjoying each others' company, respect etc. 
Why would they automatically lead to sexual attraction or vice versa, why can one be emotionally close with only an SO or same-sex friend?


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## L'Enfant Terrible (Jun 8, 2014)

FlaviaGemina said:


> In what way was that obvious? Just winding you up, because I don't agree with the way that "feelings" is used as a synonym for sexual attraction.
> There are all kinds of feelings between friends, like trust, enjoying each others' company, respect etc.
> Why would they automatically lead to sexual attraction or vice versa, why can one be emotionally close with only an SO or same-sex friend?


It was obvious in the context. I'm not here to discuss the fact that "having feelings for someone" is usually used in a romantic situation as it does not interest me in the least.


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## Shaolu (Jul 1, 2014)

Lauressa said:


> You can hire all that out...can pay someone to do that.
> 
> By "friendship" I mean someone who's emotionally close to you ... and shares your joys, worries, milestones, etc.


You can "hire out" a listening ear by visiting a shrink too. My whole point is that a true friend is someone that is invested enough in you to help you tangibly in life's endeavors. Plenty of people can enthuse about you, listen to you, and express a lot of sentiment, but in the end talk is cheap.


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## Lauressa (May 26, 2015)

Shaolu said:


> You can "hire out" a listening ear by visiting a shrink too. My whole point is that a true friend is* someone that is invested enough in you* to help you tangibly in life's endeavors. Plenty of people can enthuse about you, listen to you, and express a lot of sentiment, but in the end talk is cheap.


And how do you get to that point?

And a "shrink" isn't suppose to be emotionally invested their clients. And a friend is more than just a "listening ear".


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## outofplace (Dec 19, 2012)

In my experience the few male friendships I had, the guys usually wanted something more and not only did it make it awkward for the both of us (because I did not feel that way towards them) but it eventually ended our friendship. The only successful friendship I had with the opposite sex was with a gay man.


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## ninjahitsawall (Feb 1, 2013)

Abraham Law said:


> Personally, yes to some degree. I can, but I have to be sincere, that thought is always lingering in the deepest parts of my mind. Occasionally it may pop up but my logical side will suppress that primal urge to pursue. Some people are able to suppress it better than others.


It does come up in my mind a lot hypothetically, but hypotheticals at least for me, do not equate to my actual interest level. It's more like the physical attraction is either there or it's not. I can imagine stuff all I want and still feel 0 tension (possibly feel somewhat repulsed, even) if I was never attracted to begin with. I've never really experienced "developing an attraction over time" to a friend. Although I'm not sure about other people: I've had female friends develop crushes/interest in me (sometimes they've just dropped hints, or tell me about it years later. I guess on some level they saw a high probability of rejection.. lol). One of them seems baffled by how physical attraction works for me (what I just described). 

Some internet quiz told me I'm like borderline demisexual. Which it kinda sounds like I am, except for the part where I usually don't become attracted to people sexually through a mental/emotional connection because they're separate things. lol.

I guess it depends on the person. I used to say yes but that seems to not be true for everyone. It's possible for me. The gender role reversal in my experience is a little strange, though. :laughing: I don't really care for the "tension" coming from the other side, I've wondered if there's something I should do differently, like maybe I'm too "intense" in one-on-one interactions for some people to see it as platonic. Not sure if that's MBTI-related somehow (I'm INTJ)?


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## Autumn_Fairy (May 10, 2014)

Autumn_Fairy said:


> I say yes only if you are unmarried. Of course, being single means you are in the market and that alone should increase the sexual tensions. But if neither of the two people are sexually attracted to each other, then sure, they can be friends - in theory. It would be really difficult to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the other person is not sexually attracted to you. Even if they hide it out of respect. That bit of the unknowable will create some tension/awkwardness. Especially if it is an emotionally intimate best-friend sort of relationship. I, myself, would always wonder if my "friend" isn't wishing for more.
> 
> Now, after marriage, I say no way. You'd have to have a pretty damn solid marriage with A LOT of trust for that to work. It seems like a recipe for jealousy and tensions all over the place. sure, acquaintances, work pals, that sort of thing, of course. But a truly intimate sort of friend in addition to your significant other? Maybe I'm wrong, but I have a hard time believing its possible.


replying to myself here - since I can't edit it:

I was thinking more about this the past couple of days and I considered the number of sitcoms that feature large groups of co-ed friends. In the more adult-themed shows, there is sometimes jealously and sleeping around, but sometimes its just loyal friends. 

Then, I was at a friends birthday party the other day and one of my friends boyfriends showed up without her (the core group of friends there are the girls and they might or might not bring their boyfriends, so the other way around seemed odd). I asked my husband if he would ever show up to one of my friends' parties without me and he said only if it was like a close knit group of friends that were equally his and mine.

So, I'd like to edit my answer above to say that I think a male-female friendship is possible post-marriage IFF both members of the marriage are close friends of the other. Otherwise, it would be an awkward one-sided intimacy with a member of the opposite sex that remains a mystery (which spawns jealousy) to the spouse.


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## CaptSwan (Mar 31, 2013)

It can be done, as long as there's something that makes sexual interaction impossible. Be it different beliefs, tastes; or things like that.


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## Mirkwood (Jul 16, 2014)

Lauressa said:


> This debate has gone on forever...just wondering what you all think.
> 
> Is it possible for a friendship between a man and woman without sexual feelings or tension?
> 
> ...



Sometimes yes, but often no.

Here is another thing to think about maybe, men often cant be friends because their afraid of sexual tension, maybe also women.

I think often we sorta say "Oh no, am i attracted to this person?" because we are feeling or sensing whatever, maybe mixing up, or a random collision.(Or even, "oh no.. what is wrong with me, I SHOULD be feeling something" .. as a man then we ourselves and others think we are totally wrong if we dont get turned on instantly every single time we see a model, breasts, etc or just a woman in general, no matter what mood we are in, etc. This i think is an important to keep in mind.)
But often it may not really be sexual tension, but just that we are afraid to feel in general maybe. Sometimes mislabel.

I think to have observed that when man and women are friends, then they are able to say to the other that "Your just so damn hot" or good or whatever without nessarily having any deeper thoughts or feelings with it.
But just really liking the person. There ofcourse tho is a limit to what one would say tho maybe.


With many women in my life I have had some sexual tension. Tho for various reasons. Maybe sometimes i have thought the girl wanted more, was hinting something, then maybe me wanting to be pleasing.
Maybe that i SHOULD be feeling more for this girl.
Etc.

Often it is not so easy, espsially if you are lonely and seeking love and more. I have very often wanted to just be friends with a girl, and sometimes it works, it is just relaxed.

As someone else said, then i also think that feeling sexual or sensual is just partly part of ourselfes and life.
EDIT: Take for example the topic of how much hormones and pheromones play in. I have worked with pigs, and when the female pig/sow is in heat and the male pig just walks by, maybe even out of sight then it just goes as fast as snapping your fingers, then it stands completely still with pointed ears, maybe shaking, they get all crazy. Now, ofcourse tho, we are abit more complex, we can override or think nothing of it, etc (so does the sows sometimes, not reacting). Our pet dogs also go all crazy if they can smell something. 


Besides,.. well, if I am single, and I am with a women. Then it is maybe not so odd to have some sexual tension at times, niether odd to be lacking them at momments, we dont sit in constant arousal.
Many men and women whom are friends also endup being a couple. Or rather just, we can get to know eachother without sexual feelings as main agenda always, and then maybe it becomes more.. Or then we just becomes friends. Friends should always ideally be without sexual tension.

I usaully meet women without any sexual agenda. But sometimes i ask myself, should I ?, Am i wrong?. Girls often are not interested if your not sexually interested, Correction SOME.
But that is maybe more reserved for dates.. But many people have different opinions about that. 

... I think i got a little lost here in the end .


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## Word Dispenser (May 18, 2012)

It doesn't seem to be probable.


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## nO_d3N1AL (Apr 25, 2014)

Definitely. I don't see why not. They don't have to be **** or asexual either. I think it's just our societal expectations and standards and sexualised culture that would suggest that it can't happen. For example, how many times do you see in movies or TV programmes where a man and woman become friends and then have sex a short while after? It's this depiction and our own sexual desires which makes us question this. But it is perfectly possible if the people in question are disciplined, not sex-crazed and value the relationship.


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## Kingdom Crusader (Jan 4, 2012)

I talk to guys everywhere I go, and no sexual tension here over it.


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## EccentricSiren (Sep 3, 2013)

Just because you meet another person who is your sexually preferred gender doesn't mean you're going to be attracted to that person. There's usually more that has to happen. Some people become sexually attracted to a higher percentage of people they come in contact with than others, but I doubt there are many who become attracted to 100% of people of their preferred gender. If you aren't in the 100% category, you're probably capable of having a strictly platonic relationship with a member of your sexually preferred gender. 
Also, even if there are sexual feelings involved, it doesn't mean that the friendship is automatically over. It depends on how you act. If one person continues to try to make the relationship more than it is even after the other has said they don't want to be more than friends, that will cause tension. If one person has strong unrequited feelings for the other it might be too painful to continue the friendship. But if it's just a little attraction on one side and no one chooses to be disrespectful about it, why should it get in the way of a friendship?


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## oheyErin (Jul 7, 2015)

Yes opposite genders can be friends. I believe people mistake being lonely and someone listening/being attentive to them as "feelings". I tend to make my intentions clear in the beginning. Maybe that's why it works for me.


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## allanzo (Feb 6, 2014)

Holy mother of pearl. I am such an advocate for this because this has been going for all my life because I am friends with a lot of women. I don't see why there would be sexual tension. Like seriously, it's ridiculous that you would think that. Although society thinks that it is just "friend zone" and that's seriously disgusting.


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## Glory (Sep 28, 2013)

In my experience, no. Your duty for family is not analogous to how you perceive strangers. Others overstay their visit if there's no other profit with the relationship.


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## YelenaK (Jul 10, 2015)

Hello! I have a man friend. We a both LGBT community.


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