# Wanting to be special, please explain this to me



## Pelopra (May 21, 2013)

Chained Divinity said:


> You and your "innate identity" privilege... :tongue:
> 
> For me, though...well I don't know. I've had times where I just felt nothing about anything. And it sucked.
> 
> ...


yeah this thread is helping me take my, er, innate identity privileges (i kinda like that turn of phrase possibly? still sifting it through my head for a final opinion), less for granted. 

because i take them enough for granted that I don't relate to or really understand feeling boring etc, and I guess I never realized how lucky I am for that =)


tbh I can't think of any examples of "boring" people I know... so it's not really a trait i see in other people either? it seems to me everyone is interesting... ((i can certainly think of _ways_ of being boring aka certain professors whose idea of teaching is reading from slides they clearly don't understand in a droning monotone, but that doesn't make them, as people, boring. it just makes their _classes_ a kind of slow torture.))


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## Quernus (Dec 8, 2011)

It's more about having identity, which is already a human desire. The difference is that other types feel secure enough in this already, so there isn't the need to despair over it.

However, most Fours feel inherently flawed, and without an absolute or meaningful identity. To deal with that, we look for ways to try to disprove this fear/feeling. Having given up on conventional validation (because for whatever reason, real or imagined, conventional validation hasn't worked for us), we turn to the unconventional instead. 

Do I *really* want to be unique? I mean, it's more like I feel I have no choice. I've repeatedly experienced an excruciating perception that I am alien, misunderstood, alone... despite wanting to belong. So, I focus on turning this "inevitable" alien-hood into a positive thing, something that will make me loved, since I can't measure up in conventional ways (to my mind). Problem is it's really just like eternally chasing my tail, because the harder you try to escape what's inside you, the more you're reminded that you have something to run from in the first place. Viscous cycle. It is this way for ALL THE TYPES with whatever fixation they have.

I think every enneagram type is focused on having or being some sort of very human thing -- it's just that every type has a particular focus they're insecure about. You might think it's "useless" to want to be unique or special, and it kind of is, in and of itself.


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## d e c a d e n t (Apr 21, 2013)

Pelopra said:


> ...what do you mean you feel like a boring person?
> (sorry if this is too prying.)


It's not too prying, but right now I'm not sure how to explain since it's not really bothering at the moment. I guess I just sometimes feel like there's nothing about me that's very interesting.


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## Euclid (Mar 20, 2014)

Vain attention seeking behaviour. Cheap substitute for striving for excellence. Though not working so well anymore that now that hipsterism has become mainstream.


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## Quernus (Dec 8, 2011)

QuackQuack said:


> You want to be normal? I don't want to be normal at all. I just want to be myself - except I would want "myself" not to be a neurotic little wretch. Being "normal" would probably entail being something which isn't as satisfying as originally believed.


Adding in my own thoughts here. I'm personally past the point of wanting to be "normal". But I do want to feel included, and I do want to belong. I just feel like I usually can't, and sometimes it causes me angst - other times it is gratifying. 

It's hard to reconcile the desire to belong with the desire to feel "unique" and "different", at the same time. Humans like to put everything into boxes and categories, compare and contrast, like with like, etc.


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## Quernus (Dec 8, 2011)

Euclid said:


> Vain attention seeking behaviour. Cheap substitute for striving for excellence. Though not working so well anymore that now that hipsterism has become mainstream.


I don't know. Perhaps you could expand? I don't think I generally exhibit much vain, attention-seeking behaviour. I hide from the spotlight, usually. But, upon further reflection, perhaps I do sometimes do "vain, attention-seeking" things in subtler ways, through carefully testing the waters with individuals, etc.

I do think I substitute "experience" with "accomplishment" since I figure I'll never accomplish much that is valued by the status quo. So I try to instead intensify the meaning of my own pointless experiences. Ha.


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## d e c a d e n t (Apr 21, 2013)

Euclid said:


> Vain attention seeking behaviour. Cheap substitute for striving for excellence. Though not working so well anymore that now that hipsterism has become mainstream.


Why assume it's necessarily a substitute? Maybe it is for some, but for others being "excellent" itself might be not be enough to give them the significance they want.


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## Mutant Hive Queen (Oct 29, 2013)

Euclid said:


> Vain attention seeking behaviour. Cheap substitute for striving for excellence. Though not working so well anymore that now that hipsterism has become mainstream.



Good thing you aren't like that annoying hipster mainstream, huh? You're _different_. :wink:


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## Cryoshakespeare (Dec 7, 2011)

I shift towards abnormality and esoteric-ways because it is there for me that the interest of life lies. My tritype is 5w4 4w5 8w7 sx/so. I find it amusing that others care about or crave normality, and yet it is understandable too. All in all, normality seems like a pitiful social standard to subjugate oneself to, and in general it seems pitiful to subjugate yourself to any social standard that does not benefit you. But then, perhaps I simply do not desire the benefits gained from normality that others do because I have different life goals. That's probably the answer. So you were wondering why we might invest time and energy into being different, and I say that it is important to also ask how any particular person attains happiness in their lives. But the others have mentioned this as well, so really my post brings little new information... well, good luck in your search! xD


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## Euclid (Mar 20, 2014)

Quernus said:


> I don't know. Perhaps you could expand? I don't think I generally exhibit much vain, attention-seeking behaviour. I hide from the spotlight, usually. But, upon further reflection, perhaps I do sometimes do "vain, attention-seeking" things in subtler ways, through carefully testing the waters with individuals, etc.
> 
> I do think I substitute "experience" with "accomplishment" since I figure I'll never accomplish much that is valued by the status quo. So I try to instead intensify the meaning of my own pointless experiences. Ha.


Nothing here indicates that you seek to be unique. If that's a byproduct of seeking your experiences, then that wasn't what I was talking about.


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## Quernus (Dec 8, 2011)

Euclid said:


> Nothing here indicates that you seek to be unique. If that's a byproduct of seeking your experiences, then that wasn't what I was talking about.


Okay, but what were you talking about?


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## Euclid (Mar 20, 2014)

Nonsense said:


> Why assume it's necessarily a substitute? Maybe it is for some, but for others being "excellent" itself might be not be enough to give them the significance they want.


At some level it's still a substitute. Kind of like buying something on the black market gets you something cheaper but you still have to pay something. 


Chained Divinity said:


> Good thing you aren't like that annoying hipster mainstream, huh? You're _different_. :wink:


Sure, but I'd prefer it they'd be more like me wrt to not being a hipster.


Quernus said:


> Okay, but what were you talking about?


I was just offering an explanation to the OP why people seek to be unique.


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## d e c a d e n t (Apr 21, 2013)

Euclid said:


> At some level it's still a substitute. Kind of like buying something on the black market gets you something cheaper but you still have to pay something.


Oh? Why do you think being excellent is important then?


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## VinnieBob (Mar 24, 2014)

Taika said:


> It's been impossible not to notice many people here PerC value being special, unique, different, one of the "rare" types etc. What of this (if any) is type 4? This confuses me because also users that are not 4s but still seem to prefer being somehow 'different'.
> 
> I get that people ARE special and different, duh, but the whole concept of WANTING to be different and unique etc. is another subject. Seriously, why do you or why do you think some people want and use so much effort and energy to be somehow different? Like it would literally hurt to seem more common. Call me judgmental but I think it's not much of use for anyone in the end but seems to be just waste of time (though luckily not mine).


I am so glad I don't fit in with the norms, all those emotions and being worried if people like me and doing all the fads. I enjoy being a free thinker and not caring what others think about me. yea I do get the ''I can't figure you out'' to which I reply ''welcome to the club and there's a hugh line of people ahead of you''


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## Paradigm (Feb 16, 2010)

Taika said:


> No-one has really suggested why OTHER types than 4s also like and want to be somehow special and different even if it meant odd, that's what I'm interested, not 4s need to be unique. Any explanations?


Stereotypes. All the image types want to stand out from the crowd, it's just that their motivations differ. But the internet tends to get behind the idea that 4s are the only "unique" ones, and thus everyone who feels different is 4(-fixed). The idea that other types (including the non-image ones) could feel othered doesn't really occur to some people, even though it's overwhelmingly true.

Part of it, I guess, is culture. The US is very individualistic, while at the same time encouraging of homogeneity. This could create a hyper-awareness in some people on how, exactly, they don't fit in. A male who doesn't like sports doesn't realize how otherwise stereotypical he is, he just focuses on the fact that he doesn't like sports and is thus "_different_." I actually see this a lot: people will often complain about personal traits they see as super-weird, but are actually quite common, just not often talked about. 

And most users on PerC are teenagers or early-20s, the prime time for creating a sense of self :tongue: How many teenagers _don't _feel as if they don't fit in?


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## d e c a d e n t (Apr 21, 2013)

Hmm, that's true. It's not just like 4 is the only type concerned with being special of course. Although I imagine the reason can vary a big from type to type.


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## Mutant Hive Queen (Oct 29, 2013)

Paradigm said:


> Stereotypes. All the image types want to stand out from the crowd, it's just that their motivations differ. But the internet tends to get behind the idea that 4s are the only "unique" ones, and thus everyone who feels different is 4(-fixed). The idea that other types (including the non-image ones) could feel othered doesn't really occur to some people, even though it's overwhelmingly true.
> 
> Part of it, I guess, is culture. The US is very individualistic, while at the same time encouraging of homogeneity. This could create a hyper-awareness in some people on how, exactly, they don't fit in. A male who doesn't like sports doesn't realize how otherwise stereotypical he is, he just focuses on the fact that he doesn't like sports and is thus "_different_." I actually see this a lot: people will often complain about personal traits they see as super-weird, but are actually quite common, just not often talked about.


To be fair, the _wanting to_ aspect of the other image types gets glossed over a lot. XD 



> And most users on PerC are teenagers or early-20s, the prime time for creating a sense of self :tongue: How many teenagers _don't _feel as if they don't fit in?


Well...I didn't, _sort of_? :tongue:


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## Paradigm (Feb 16, 2010)

Chained Divinity said:


> Well...I didn't, _sort of_? :tongue:


No, I don't feel very unique, either; I tend to feel boring and mundane, though not particularly stereotypical. My peers, however, have decided that I am too alien to have a place (disabled, mainstreamed). But I guess that's for another thread, as exploring the psychology behind that would take ages -- I'm just starting to really explore it, myself. Plus, it makes me an outlier case, which wouldn't be overly helpful for the OP.


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## Mutant Hive Queen (Oct 29, 2013)

Paradigm said:


> No, I don't feel very unique, either; I tend to feel boring and mundane, though not particularly stereotypical.


*nods* It's strange...for me the degree of uniqueness I've felt that I've possessed is really inconsistent. I started off my life feeling pretty unique, then gradually I started feeling more mundane and I freaked out and started doing things to preserve my uniqueness...and then I had some actual bad life experiences and I got a bit more confident, though I think the fear was still there, a little bit...and I gradually stopped looking at things from that perspective, but then, when I later on got a bit more isolated from social contact, I started feeling mundane again. 

I swear I think I'm an Extravert sometimes. 



> My peers, however, have decided that I am too alien to have a place (disabled, mainstreamed). But I guess that's for another thread, as exploring the psychology behind that would take ages -- I'm just starting to really explore it, myself. Plus, it makes me an outlier case, which wouldn't be overly helpful for the OP.


XD true. That said I suspect that the people who try the most to be unique are probably the ones that feel a deficit there. XD


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## Chesire Tower (Jan 19, 2013)

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Scianto said:


> I want to fit in and be a stereotype.


Not meaning to make light of your concerns but I couldn't help lolling at that. =XD


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