# Tips for Overcoming Sexual Shame?



## LostFavor (Aug 18, 2011)

I'm pretty sure I have a lot of sexual shame from my religious upbringing. It's completely irrational and I'm aware it is, but it's there and it has a strong hold.

I'm looking for tips on how to beat it (beat it off? lol). Get rid of it. It's a PITA and I have a hunch it's powering from my nonexistent sex life. Despite the lack of a sex life, I do masturbate a lot, but almost always with some shame afterwards.

General advice I've found through searches seems to be of the "go out and be sexual with people to desensitize yourself" variety (e.g. flirting, etc.). It's probably strong advice, but it's a bit of a jump all at once. I would prefer if there are ways I can do it gradually, cause chances are if I go with some "I'm going to start flirting with people plan," I'll go rah rah about it in my head for a bit, pass up all opportunities I encounter cause it's really easy to do, and then forget in a week. Ideally, I need something I can stick with and do on my own time, without needing to dive into the pool all at once.


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## Wellsy (Oct 24, 2011)

I would imagine it'd be easier to try and focus on shame within the context of masturbation as opposed to advice on lunging into sexual relations with others. I have the image in my mind of women who've been ashamed of sexuality being directed to pleasure themselves and become comfortable with their bodies and embrace the pleasure of it.

I suppose one avenue would be to take in pleasure to the point just before feel guilty about it, so finding out where your present comfort zone is. And then try and make it so pleasure feels more overwhelming than the guilt in those conditions. That might be the simpler route to some sort of desensitization.

If it came to involving another person I would think it'd not necessarily be about sexual acts as much as it would be the vulnerability in exploring sexual topics as they relate to one another. The touchy element of that is that for many, talking about sex stuff can take on a form of vulnerability and intimacy as opposed to a degree of frankness about it which means it teases between a sense of pursuing sex or just discussing sex.
So even it perhaps means engaging in topics sex-related on here or in private with someone online if don't feel comfortable with someone in person.
IN engaging in it there should be a self-awareness of how you feel and what is triggering a sense of shame.
Ultimately you need a space where you feel comfortable, the shame probably stems from experiences in which things weren't an environment of exploration and feeling things out for yourself but instead forced boundaries of whats okay or not.
So buck that trend by creating the opposite space in which feel comfortable that won't be reprimanded for slowly opening up to some sexual matters. 

I suppose beyond just talking about sexual topics in general the real aim would be to think about what you're ashamed about.
Becuase that would give you some direction of how might go about it, because can challange that sort of thought explicitly which won't make it magically disappear but can focus efforts on diminishing it perhaps. There is an element of sort of risk and taking leap of faith into circumstances that don't feel comfortable but can do that strategically in circumstances where feel its okay to be vulnerable without being attacked on certain thoughts or feelings.


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## BenevolentBitterBleeding (Mar 16, 2015)

Get comfortable with your body; try walking around naked - 24/7 - when in the privacy of your own home; start small = sleep nude. Leave window shades open when you're feeling more... _hard_core.


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## Aridela (Mar 14, 2015)

I don't know if that would work for everybody but here it goes:

I was brought up in a religious family and went to a Christian school up until fourth grade - albeit my parents were not fanatically religious and were always open to conversation. 

I started masturbating quite early, especially for a girl and was 'encouraged' to discuss this with a priest via confession. To my surprise the priest was not critical at all, but gave me the usual advise of praying when I get the urge. 

Now, I never really identified as a Christian, not even in early childhood but was interested in the philosophical/ethical aspects of it. My family were open to the idea of letting me decide for myself but also actively encouraged my making the 'right' choice, so my mom would take me with her to monasteries and religious pilgrimages to discuss my concerns and see for myself what Christianity was all about from her perspective. 

Most of the monks and nuns I spoke to were highly intelligent, learned people who treated me as an equal despite my age. About half of them viewed masturbation as a sin. Around half of them, didn't. They all thought it was bad for them to do it as they had taken vows, but a great few of them admitted to doing it, and feeling ashamed of it. A couple of them pointed out it's healthy to explore your body- which was radical for the time and the setting. 

What I took home from it all is that there's simply not a clear answer. There's no mention of masturbation being wrong in the Bible. There's only a passage about it being bad to waste semen (see Onan Genesis 38 / Hebrew - English Bible / Mechon-Mamre ). Therefore, from a logical point of view there's no reason for you to feel any shame about masturbating or sex. Both very natural things to do with someone you value and feel close to.


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## Maker of helmets (Sep 8, 2014)

I think fear of connecting with others goes back to realising how you were not prepared from your upbringing to deal with being an adult person which includes being a sexual being whether or not we have sex 

if you can see how you were not prepared then you can forgive and move past how you were not prepared to deal with yourself (as an adult person included in that a sexual being) in a healthy way, without shame


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## drmiller100 (Dec 3, 2011)

professional counselor.


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## Clayfighter (Jun 21, 2016)

The shame disappeared for me almost instantly when I became an atheist....I have no idea why you would still feel shame. Do you feel like there is part of this religion that is still contained within your sense of identity?


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## marblecloud95 (Aug 12, 2015)

LostFavor said:


> I'm pretty sure I have a lot of sexual shame from my religious upbringing. It's completely irrational and I'm aware it is, but it's there and it has a strong hold.
> 
> I'm looking for tips on how to beat it (beat it off? lol). Get rid of it. It's a PITA and I have a hunch it's powering from my nonexistent sex life. Despite the lack of a sex life, I do masturbate a lot, but almost always with some shame afterwards.
> 
> General advice I've found through searches seems to be of the "go out and be sexual with people to desensitize yourself" variety (e.g. flirting, etc.). It's probably strong advice, but it's a bit of a jump all at once. I would prefer if there are ways I can do it gradually, cause chances are if I go with some "I'm going to start flirting with people plan," I'll go rah rah about it in my head for a bit, pass up all opportunities I encounter cause it's really easy to do, and then forget in a week. Ideally, I need something I can stick with and do on my own time, without needing to dive into the pool all at once.


You've got two choices here buddy, the first is what I experienced after years of obesity, increased estrogen and decreased testosterone, this lowers the male sex drive quite a bit. It also helps you to be less sexually impulsive and avoid have women stalk you for impregnating them and leaving. The alternative solution is to become more impulsive and aggressive, this works, I'm this way naturally and people confuse it with confidence, so despite my below average height (4'11) and obesity I was able to get lots of hits on tinder and hook ups. I also found it it really helps if you lubricate your entire body with organic aloe vera oils, really gives you high sexual confidence. If you want to attract women just walk right up to them and ask them if they're ready for it, make sure to give them a big wink too. But, remember, don't ever form an emotional attachment with them. :happy:


Mothtodark said:


> The shame disappeared for me almost instantly when I became an atheist....I have no idea why you would still feel shame. Do you feel like there is part of this religion that is still contained within your sense of identity?


You don't need to think about religion, you don't need to think at all, just feel good and do whatever you need to get there. I can't wait until some company like google releases a whimsical sounding AI that will be able to think for us, that way we can keep ourselves synthetically stimulated with dopamine and oxytocin.


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## Clayfighter (Jun 21, 2016)

@marblecloud95 I agree, but I had shame as a teen because of religious reasons. I was raised fundamentalist. Since the only reason for the shame was my religion, once I lost it, the shame was gone.


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## marblecloud95 (Aug 12, 2015)

Mothtodark said:


> @marblecloud95 I agree, but I had shame as a teen because of religious reasons. I was raised fundamentalist. Since the only reason for the shame was my religion, once I lost it, the shame was gone.


The good news is, that future generations wont have to make this choice, I'd like to invite you to the possibilities of environmentally friendly futurism (Eco-futurism), fundamentally living as the basic organisms we are while enjoying and endless supply of synthetic stimulants.


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## Clayfighter (Jun 21, 2016)

marblecloud95 said:


> The good news is, that future generations wont have to make this choice, I'd like to invite you to the possibilities of environmentally friendly futurism (Eco-futurism), fundamentally living as the basic organisms we are while enjoying and endless supply of synthetic stimulants.


Lol....where do you come up with this stuff...haha


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## marblecloud95 (Aug 12, 2015)

Mothtodark said:


> Lol....where do you come up with this stuff...haha


The internet, the same place we all share our opinions, where we are manipulated on a daily basis, what I realized is something people know but are far too afraid to admit, we already are drones utilized by the media, corporations and our fellow man, the best thing we can do is embrace our evolutionary identity as a consumer.


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## Clayfighter (Jun 21, 2016)

LOL....oh man the irony....I was literally about to make a similar reference in another post and then I read what you said.

But I knew the answer to my question....it was rhetorical.

Sorry but I dont know if I can embrace the consumerism. I will embrace our species extinction though.


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## angelfish (Feb 17, 2011)

I think the above are fine suggestions, but you may also find it as simple as finding a partner who you trust and enjoy being around, and with whom you share mutual attraction. I did. Eventually you both will move towards sex organically. It's written in your DNA, wired in your mind and body. Nature and love versus artificed punishment and fear - it should be little contest.


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## LostFavor (Aug 18, 2011)

Mothtodark said:


> The shame disappeared for me almost instantly when I became an atheist....I have no idea why you would still feel shame. Do you feel like there is part of this religion that is still contained within your sense of identity?


Possibly? Hadn't occurred to me, I guess. I have a lot of religious people in my life and basically no atheists, so perhaps that is the missing component (meaning: perhaps being around them makes it feel unsafe to completely let go of the vestiges of my religious upbringing).

Speculation: I need to get out and do more activities on my own, without these people around in any way.


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## Clayfighter (Jun 21, 2016)

@LostFavor well I only brought it up because it seemed to be your initial point you made about religion. So I assume some nature of guilt is attached to your identity, or sense of morality stemming from religion.

I dont have to worry about this as a moral nihilist. I dont really feel much shame about anything unless other people give me feedback which shame me.

Meaning if I were to have sex with someone, the chances of me feeling shame are more likely to come as a result of the woman saying something to shame me about the sex than to come as a result of an inward nature of feeling about myself.


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## mhysa (Nov 27, 2014)

i'm still dealing with this (post-rape, not due to religious upbringing) and have been for years, but i'm making a lot of progress and the reason for that is that i found a partner who's really, really patient and has always been willing to work with me - backing off and listening when i'm having a "bad sex mentality day," and being really encouraging when i want to have sex and am willing to say so.

you can (and maybe should) try speaking to a therapist who specializes in that stuff too, but when it comes time to put it into practice, i would suggest waiting until you find someone (relationship, fuck buddy, or otherwise) who can give you what you need to be able to reach your goals regarding sex, and being comfortable with sex. talk about it with them before you do it, tell them stuff you think might help you be more comfortable or stuff that you know you can't do yet. imo this is something people should do regardless just to make the sex better for both parties, but yeah, it really helps.


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## angelfish (Feb 17, 2011)

mhysa said:


> talk about it with them before you do it, tell them stuff you think might help you be more comfortable or stuff that you know you can't do yet. imo this is something people should do regardless just to make the sex better for both parties, but yeah, it really helps.


Yeah, absolutely. 

I think sex is such an intense and vulnerable thing that almost all people end up linking very personal wounds to it in some way, or at very least that it's a likely time for those feelings to rise to the surface.


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## Mange (Jan 9, 2011)

marblecloud95 said:


> The good news is, that future generations wont have to make this choice, I'd like to invite you to the possibilities of environmentally friendly futurism (Eco-futurism), fundamentally living as the basic organisms we are while enjoying and endless supply of synthetic stimulants.


This.. Is a lifestyle I can get behind. Lol.


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## Clayfighter (Jun 21, 2016)

November Has Come said:


> This.. Is a lifestyle I can get behind. Lol.


Well I mean, I cant say I blame him for suggesting stimulants to replace religion with, It is pretty much the same thing as a religion....it will become your religion once you have enough faith to try it....lol


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## Crimson Ash (May 16, 2012)

Having been raised Roman Catholic from early childhood it was definitely quite a tall hurdle to overcome when I became an atheist and sexually active.

It takes a lot of mindset changing and emotional and mental awareness.

When your mind is conditioned especially from a young age where it is more susceptible to that conditioning it takes almost an equal amount of effort to overcome it.

First things first, you need to get rid of that shame associated with your sexual self. Mentally questioning why your thought process leads to shame every time it happens helps a lot in coming to that realization that you shouldn't feel shame about it.

It is a pretty big jump to try and be sexual with people almost immediately. Take it slow. I would suggest working on yourself first to be comfortable in your own body and sexuality and how you express it first before embarking on pursuing other people.

Your other post mentioned how you still hang around religious people with a sex negative mindset. This could only further hamper you and deviate from your goals of overcoming that shame.

Another facet to overcoming sexual shame is being completely comfortable with all things sexual. Mainly media.
I wouldn't suggest a porn video bing but any media that is helpful in helping you understand your own sexuality and the sexuality of others can also help.

Might I direct you to this youtube channel.

https://www.youtube.com/user/sexplanations/videos

I find it is probably one of the best ones out there for short concise but informative bits of information about all things sex.

I will leave off here, but if you have questions feel free to ask here or pm me. 

Overcoming sexual shame is possible if you are willing to put in the effort to do so.


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## marblecloud95 (Aug 12, 2015)

Mothtodark said:


> Well I mean, I cant say I blame him for suggesting stimulants to replace religion with, It is pretty much the same thing as a religion....it will become your religion once you have enough faith to try it....lol


Stimulation is everything, everywhere, sex, food, pills, friends, etc...


November Has Come said:


> This.. Is a lifestyle I can get behind. Lol.


I'm working hard to secure a "small loan" so that I may buy the materials needed as well as a substantial acre of land in Sonoma, CA in order to start up an eco-futurist consumerist commune.
The impossible dream is within reach.


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## _XXX_ (Oct 25, 2014)

There is some great advice here.. BUT..

DON'T masturbate with your windows open if you live close to your neighbors or a roadway.

Not sound advice unless you want to get arrested for indecent exposure. That'd probably compound your sexual shame even more. 

I'm imagining your mother going to court with you after you were arrested for masturbating in front of your neighbors... :laughing: You be forced to discuss it with the judge, cops, everyone else in the courtroom - or possibly even be ordered to take counseling for your sexual compulsions if you were caught. Talk about making matters worse! 

Tsk, tsk, tsk.


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## Zelz (Dec 29, 2014)

> I'm pretty sure I have a lot of sexual shame from my religious upbringing. It's completely irrational and I'm aware it is, but it's there and it has a strong hold.


Yes, religion is the cause. 



> General advice I've found through searches seems to be of the "go out and be sexual with people to desensitize yourself" variety (e.g. flirting, etc.).


If you are religious, this is bad advice. You'll be lost. 

This is an mbti thread, so suggesting you to turn back to your religion may not be popular. But it's worth a try.


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## marblecloud95 (Aug 12, 2015)

ursi said:


> Yes, religion is the cause.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


All he needs to do is go out hook up with every hard bodied hottie he sees and spread the nut, just make sure to use good condoms and avoid direct penetration so pregnancy is guaranteed no no.


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## Zelz (Dec 29, 2014)

marblecloud95 said:


> All he needs to do is go out hook up with every hard bodied hottie he sees and spread the nut, just make sure to use good condoms and avoid direct penetration so pregnancy is guaranteed no no.


hehehhehe. gahhhhh!

NO!


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## marblecloud95 (Aug 12, 2015)

ursi said:


> hehehhehe. gahhhhh!
> 
> NO!


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## Maye (Feb 15, 2015)

LostFavor said:


> I'm pretty sure I have a lot of sexual shame from my religious upbringing. It's completely irrational and I'm aware it is, but it's there and it has a strong hold.
> 
> I'm looking for tips on how to beat it (beat it off? lol). Get rid of it. It's a PITA and I have a hunch it's powering from my nonexistent sex life. Despite the lack of a sex life, I do masturbate a lot, but almost always with some shame afterwards.
> 
> General advice I've found through searches seems to be of the "go out and be sexual with people to desensitize yourself" variety (e.g. flirting, etc.). It's probably strong advice, but it's a bit of a jump all at once. I would prefer if there are ways I can do it gradually, cause chances are if I go with some "I'm going to start flirting with people plan," I'll go rah rah about it in my head for a bit, pass up all opportunities I encounter cause it's really easy to do, and then forget in a week. Ideally, I need something I can stick with and do on my own time, without needing to dive into the pool all at once.


I'm (sort of) a christian. I _don't_ really think shame is a good way to motivate people and I don't think its a good thing to feel excessive amounts of, even in the case something bad was done. I think it hinders normal ways of perceiving a problem and dealing with it. (True guilt on the other hand, or sadness for something wrong, is another thing. And even that is not the only thing we're meant to feel). 

If you still put some amount of stock into christianity, then it might be helpful to ask yourself if the shame you feel comes from christian "culture" or the bible itself. Sexual sin is just one of the many mentioned in the bible; you should be careful because it _can_ be a powerful and hurtful one, but shame won't help you actually get better, I don't think. I think good things in life are the best way to get better. Interactions with others, positive thoughts, and most importantly, giving yourself kindness even when you don't deserve it! These things will help you to see the wrong in your life when it actually is there. Shame is just the opposite. It belittles you, not strengthens you. Best of luck.


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## Tropes (Jul 7, 2016)

@LostFavor 

I was about to suggest to go back in time and introduce your parents to 60s hippy culture, but @Maye 's advice seems exceptionally more practical. 

Understanding that shame is a form of disingenuous guilt might be an excellent starting point. What you are experiencing is embarrassment in the face of nobody in particular, not even your own, but rather the echo of others in your head, a cultural connotation empty of thought out meaning. 

Another thought, and please take into account that this is advice coming from someone who was not raised religiously at all - If I was to visualize the experience going through this, I might imagine that there is a potential for a spiral where you end up ashamed of your sexuality due to a religious background but then ashamed of your shame due to modern ethics. I am thinking how you might be able to solve this, and... I don't think it's a coincidence discovering one's' sexuality is easier for people who rebel in their teen hood. Perhaps it's time to add a "Fuck 'em" chant in your head to your masturbation whenever the sense of shame creeps up on you?


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## Catwalk (Aug 12, 2015)

LostFavor said:


> I'm pretty sure I have a lot of sexual shame from my religious upbringing. It's completely irrational and I'm aware it is, but it's there and it has a strong hold.


I see. I was baptized a Seventh Day Adventist // then moved to Catholic - and various other sects' - Never a _witness_, thankfully. 

But, you get the point, within a _deeply _Christian locality; and obliviously within Christianity.

_What I've done _::


[HR][/HR]

Step (1)


Recognize the ''essence,'' of exoteric religion(s) is ritualized _magical-thinking_ to induce through misattirubtion of agency - [humiliation / anxiety / placebos], false hopes and fears, with fact-free 'make-believes'. This is how it _functions_.



Step (2) 

_Recover _ from your removal; [get acquainted not with your shame; but your fear of _*humiliation*_]. Fetishization of shame (e.g., anxiety) only prolongs and clogs the ducts. 


Concurring humiliation is like humor; there is no (logical / mathematical) way .. to get ''funny,'' other than associating oneself with the _humorous_. *Tell jokes*.


Or, in other words, slowly wing yourself into the *esoteric*, the erotic, and the _sexual_. [Which ever way that may be!] - perhaps, exposure / flooding pysch-therapies.

On that cue; I am now properly atheist, properly irreligious .. and _comfortably _sexual. :bwink:


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## LostFavor (Aug 18, 2011)

Thank you all for the advice so far. The more perspectives the better, for how my minds works.

FTR: I'm definitively an atheist and have no intention of going back on that at all. Just wanted to clear that little matter up. The thing about being surrounded by religious people and how it affects me... I think that's mostly a matter of "you sit in water, you're going to stay wet." Meaning that, it's going to affect certain internalized behaviors (I assume) but the beliefs themselves, on the surface at least, are not going anywhere.

It seems it's the internalized beliefs, perhaps some stuff I don't fully understand and need to explore more, that are causing problems.


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## ninjahitsawall (Feb 1, 2013)

Aridela said:


> What I took home from it all is that there's simply not a clear answer. There's no mention of masturbation being wrong in the Bible. There's only a passage about it being bad to waste semen (see Onan Genesis 38 / Hebrew - English Bible / Mechon-Mamre ). Therefore, from a logical point of view there's no reason for you to feel any shame about masturbating or sex. Both very natural things to do with someone you value and feel close to.


You have to wonder where some of the shame comes from, when it's not necessarily in the Biblical interpretations (or maybe it's only in some of them). Seems religion is an exploitation of the human conscience to lead to shame. That itself is pretty much a Judeo-Christian universal, that knowledge pulls people away from the divine. Some schools of thought (probably mostly Eastern ones) basically interpret this by saying feelings like guilt and shame themselves take someone away from the divine, because they stem from egoic desires (such as wanting to appear a certain way... which is ironic as many religious communities, past and present have been image-focused). Anyway, point is there are emotions like shame that take the form of a religious framework, but I think can still be experienced without one (at least, for people who have a conscience).

I had a similar upbringing to you, a more liberal/casual Christian upbringing. It came primarily from school, as only one of my parents was Christian, they decided to expose me to basically whatever they felt like and let me figure the rest out for myself, and I attended Catholic schools for awhile but in a really liberal geographic area. I was never explicitly taught "sex is wrong", just heard about it through cultural zeitgeist. (Actually, most of my religious education was about memorizing names of saints or some other boring, rote memorization type thing). Nonetheless, there were things I felt ashamed of, a main one being laziness/lack of productivity. Arguably I may have internalized that one from public schooling, lol. But it's also just part of me that was similarly 'exploited' by the education system. 

I think a lot of people feel that way though and I've wondered if that's what causes sexual shame, especially around masturbation. It can seem self-indulgent, unproductive and meaningless. (This actually parallels Protestant work ethic as well). But there's things like the "no fap" movement which are secular, but seem to be rooted in the same thing: "something about masturbation feels wrong so maybe I should stop." Not only that, there are scientists earning a living lately talking about everything wrong with porn. Which seems to be rooted in a fear of addiction/desensitization. Another widespread concern of secularized modern society.

So my thinking is becoming an atheist doesn't necessarily solve feelings of guilt or shame, if the underlying principles of the religious teaching (like seeing something as lazy, indulgent, addicting, or otherwise self-destructive) have been internalized. 

WRT the OP, one thing I think might help would be to ask what exactly the shame is rooted in. Is it a baseless emotion like someone else here has mentioned? Is it because of implicated consequences (that it won't be productive, won't make you a better person, will cause problems with women, etc.)? There could be some truth in that too, but it might not be a reason to feel bad about it. It could be a reason to change habits, for example flirting like others have said. Even just going into the S&R forum and bringing up something personal about yourself (like a fantasy) can help. One of the things with shame is feeling the need to conceal something, makes it seem inherently bad. Once you put things out there, they don't seem that way (especially if other people agree/relate to you). At least that's how it is for me.

I also think some people feel shame when they do things for the sole purpose of overcoming their shame. But it's not necessarily something they really want for its own sake. (Like, sleeping around to feel cool and progressive). That's just going to the other extreme. Not wanting something isn't the same as feeling ashamed about it, and some people don't seem to understand the difference. So they actually make themselves ashamed by assuming they're the same thing (I've done this before myself. It's not done consciously).


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## LostFavor (Aug 18, 2011)

ninjahitsawall said:


> You have to wonder where some of the shame comes from, when it's not necessarily in the Biblical interpretations (or maybe it's only in some of them). Seems religion is an exploitation of the human conscience to lead to shame. That itself is pretty much a Judeo-Christian universal, that knowledge pulls people away from the divine. Some schools of thought (probably mostly Eastern ones) basically interpret this by saying feelings like guilt and shame themselves take someone away from the divine, because they stem from egoic desires (such as wanting to appear a certain way... which is ironic as many religious communities, past and present have been image-focused). Anyway, point is there are emotions like shame that take the form of a religious framework, but I think can still be experienced without one (at least, for people who have a conscience).
> 
> I had a similar upbringing to you, a more liberal/casual Christian upbringing. It came primarily from school, as only one of my parents was Christian, they decided to expose me to basically whatever they felt like and let me figure the rest out for myself, and I attended Catholic schools for awhile but in a really liberal geographic area. I was never explicitly taught "sex is wrong", just heard about it through cultural zeitgeist. (Actually, most of my religious education was about memorizing names of saints or some other boring, rote memorization type thing). Nonetheless, there were things I felt ashamed of, a main one being laziness/lack of productivity. Arguably I may have internalized that one from public schooling, lol. But it's also just part of me that was similarly 'exploited' by the education system.
> 
> ...


That's really insightful. I do think there's a component of the productivity mindset you referred to going on. I don't know if it's shame exactly in every case, but if I do most anything recreational and don't feel like I've "earned it," it feels wrong on a certain level. Like there's this level of contribution that I just fundamentally owe the world and if I'm not doing my fair share, then there's something wrong with me.

It's a pretty common trait in my family, I think. I'm not totally sure where it comes from though. And it's not all bad because it does push me to push the envelope and do better. But I think it also makes me really bad at relaxing when I need to. 

The S&R forum idea is probably a good one, especially since it's a somewhat protected environment (not visible without being signed in). Less anxiety inducing that way.


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## ninjahitsawall (Feb 1, 2013)

LostFavor said:


> That's really insightful. I do think there's a component of the productivity mindset you referred to going on. I don't know if it's shame exactly in every case, but if I do most anything recreational and don't feel like I've "earned it," it feels wrong on a certain level. Like there's this level of contribution that I just fundamentally owe the world and if I'm not doing my fair share, then there's something wrong with me.
> 
> It's a pretty common trait in my family, I think. I'm not totally sure where it comes from though. And it's not all bad because it does push me to push the envelope and do better. But I think it also makes me really bad at relaxing when I need to.


Yeah, I have the exact same thing going on... I went to an extreme with it at some points. For example, when I was younger I developed a phobia of throwing up, and from that I developed OCD where I felt like I had to repeatedly do things I hated in order to "earn" not being sick. So that is a more twisted version of the idea (which I think was also triggered by pushing myself too hard in school, incidentally). I realized that after the fact. 

OCD often has a religious aspect to it, but in my case it was mostly being compelled to work in order to avoid "punishment", and almost an attempt to cling to whatever faith I had left. Because of the whole "people get what they deserve" thing. I didn't want to let go of that idea. But I actually wasn't very religious by this time (early teens), and one of the compulsions I had was to force myself to pray, because I hated doing it. lol. Now that has evolved into panic attacks and constantly feeling like I need to be doing something "useful" and "meaningful" in order to stay relaxed. :dry:


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## Penny (Mar 24, 2016)

@LostFavor Here is a nice Native American prayer that helps me some. You don't have to reject God or spirituality because Christianity can make you uptight. Basically when you start thinking these things, recognize your thought, then let it go. It can help to redirect your focus, such as thinking about the words in this prayer or something.

Native American Prayer 

Oh, Great Spirit
Whose voice I hear in the winds,
And whose breath gives life to all the world,
hear me, I am small and weak,
I need your strength and wisdom.
Let me walk in beauty and make my eyes ever behold
the red and purple sunset.
Make my hands respect the things you have
made and my ears sharp to hear your voice.
Make me wise so that I may understand the things
you have taught my people.
Let me learn the lessons you have
hidden in every leaf and rock.

I seek strength, not to be greater than my brother,
but to fight my greatest enemy - myself.
Make me always ready to come to you
with clean hands and straight eyes.
So when life fades, as the fading sunset,
my Spirit may come to you without shame.

-Lakota prayer


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## Zelz (Dec 29, 2014)

Emotional triggers, those sneaky little things.


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## Aladdin Sane (May 10, 2016)

BenevolentBitterBleeding said:


> Leave window shades open when you're feeling more... _hard_core.


Lmao my mom does this. She walks around the house topless and I'm like MOM!!!! THE WINDOW SHADES ARE OPEN!!! EVERYONE CAN SEE YOU!!! Mom: Who cares? Let them see!! 

:shocked:


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## BenevolentBitterBleeding (Mar 16, 2015)

Aladdin Sane said:


> Lmao my mom does this. She walks around the house topless and I'm like MOM!!!! THE WINDOW SHADES ARE OPEN!!! EVERYONE CAN SEE YOU!!! Mom: Who cares? Let them see!!
> 
> :shocked:


Daughter,

It's me: your mother.


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## Ubermeister Of Bogdoglin (Sep 12, 2016)

A trained counsellor is probably a very practical idea. I have a technique I could suggest, but it could really open up a whole can of worms, and I'm concerned you might not have the support you need to process this effectively.


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