# NF: How do you deal with intense emotions?



## thegirlcandance (Jul 29, 2009)

As NFs, how do you deal with intense emotions from a friend, relative, etc.? How do you deal with being yelled at?

I know for myself, an INFJ, immediately my heart rate jumps up and depending on how intense the emotions of the other person are, I will shake and become very anxious. Typically I will just withdraw from the situation then at that point in order to calm myself down from my empathy going haywire. If it is something that is directed to myself personally, it is like emotional abuse... to me it feels about as bad if not worse than being physically beaten.

I'm wondering how this is for other NF types or even for other INFJs... I wonder if it's at all similar according to personality type or if perhaps other factors influence it.


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## Shadow1980 (Jul 17, 2009)

If someone yells at me I typically fight back. Sometimes I do it with tact, sometimes I regret what I say. One time someone actually hit me. I got a restraining order and took them to court. It costed them thousands of dollars in lawyer bills and they lost their job. I think as an ENFJ I am typically very peaceful and charming but if you push the "treat other people like shit" button, it's not pretty. That same charm can and will be used against you.  LOL


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## Shadow1980 (Jul 17, 2009)

Also, if you are including "intense emotions" that are non-violent, then I'll do anything I can to help that person. But I will need some alone time right afterwards because it's overwhelming to deal with someone elses intensity.


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## Darity (Dec 17, 2009)

I stay quiet and feel sorry. There's also this "not again" thought. Most of the time I think that I deserve it. Basically, I feel fucked and can't give a kickback - not to people I'm close to.

If we're talking about people to whom I don't feel that close (or don't mind to lose), well, that's a complete different story. I do stay calm (which will enrage them even more) and I guess my felicity crushes them in such a conflict. I'm quiet good in pointing out their flaws.

I do everything to avoid these situations, but if they happen, that's how I react.


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## kami (Dec 20, 2009)

I used to really, really hate people getting angry with me. It would scare me, and I'd do anything just to make them stop.

I have become better at handling it, but the only way you get me to argue back is if I'm annoyed or seriously angry (which requires very good reason). Otherwise I stay calm and uncomfortable.


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## prism (Dec 23, 2009)

Darity said:


> I stay quiet and feel sorry. There's also this "not again" thought. Most of the time I think that I deserve it. Basically, I feel fucked and can't give a kickback - not to people I'm close to.


This is pretty much what happens to me. :\ I hate being attacked emotionally, but even more than that I hate the thought of hurting the people I'm close to.


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## Alchemical Romance (Nov 26, 2009)

Hmm I observed my personality and am like a mirror. What you direct at it you will get back . You direct kindness and good thoughts, you get them back. You throw fire...get ready for hell. This doesn't always apply but most of the time


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## MrCrazi (Dec 14, 2009)

First I freeze completely. Then I scratch the back of my neck, look down and mumble. Also included are apologetic smile and small nodding.

It doesn't matter if the emotion is negative or positive. I just have no idea how to react in any kind of "normal" way so I just hide in myself and start analyzing what is being said to me. I don't really take it personally what is said, I just become a machine registering the information and couple of days later I finally realize what I really feel about this overload of emotion.

Unless someone says something that I know can't be true, then I quickly sharpen up, frown and ask the person to repeat what they said.

I know that this must be really frustrating to people who want to share something with me. I must seem like I have absolutely no emotions and don't care about anything when the reality is that I have so much emotion that letting it out of my control would be horrifying.

This is something I'm trying to improve in myself.


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## Danse Macabre (Oct 30, 2009)

*As NFs, how do you deal with intense emotions from a friend, relative, etc.? How do you deal with being yelled at?*

I sort of... detach, and think about other things. I usually think about how the situation came to be, and whether I'm at all at fault. I also smile vaguely, because I'm completely unaffected by other people's intense emotions. Probably because of all the intense emotions in the past that did affect me... it's my defense. But if they step on my values or accuse me of something I'm not guilty of, I get very angry. If they're crying and want sympathy, then I'll sit with them and hug them, but I can never express sympathy even when I really feel it. I just wait for the episode to pass.
I'd like to not detach from those kinds of situations, but I don't know how. Ah well.


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## Litchi (Dec 2, 2009)

I THINK ABOUT FILMS TO CONTROL EMOTIONS :angry:


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## susurration (Oct 22, 2009)

I can detach when the situation necessitates it (i.e. dealing with children or a crisis) but otherwise... I find it very difficult not to feel the same emotions as other people. Either that, or I will feel a very strong counter emotion. I've learnt to repress emotions very well, but that is not to say I'm not affected immediately by something. 

For example, part of the problem why my own emotions tend to go heywire is that I am very intune/responsive with my surroundings. I am constantly around stress... and so I either become stressed myself if I am not weary, or if I am particularly emotionally stable, I can assert my own calmness and seek to alleviate the stressful environment.
In the same sense, when I am in a constructive or happy environment, I tend to become very happy myself.
If I am surrounded by what are deemed to be 'negative emotions' I can't help but want to work towards changing that, because it makes me feel uncomfortable being in such a situation. 

Now dealing with anger and yelling... that is probably a very specific circumstance for me. Depending on the issue and the people involved... I either withdraw, become hostile or stay calm (but inside crumble) in the immediate sense. Anyhow, it inevitably it ends up in me withdrawing regardless of my immediate reaction. I am constantly around outwardly angry people, and it really gets to me.


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## Highschool Pariah (Dec 11, 2009)

Intense emotions are not my comfort zone. I always seem to do the wrong decision. I'll reflect(many times usually) and always see a better decision I could have made. As for how I act, my mind can't make the transistion from dull to intense and wil be unprepared to make the right decision quickly(that generally being needed). Only on few occasions will I be able to keep my mind up to speed and it is always in the protection of others, not myself.


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## Wanderling (Dec 27, 2009)

I tend to become anxious and shake as well. But if it's very bad, I feel physically sick and get nausea.

If it's directed against me personally, I get defensive, and tend to "run away", to bring the conflict to an end. I physically can't stand violence, physical or verbal.

But if it's directed against other people, and if I sense injustice (e.g. someone getting attacked or mugged in the street), I have this rare moment of lucidity: it's one of the only occasions where I manage to entirely forget myself. I follow a gut feeling and act, often recklessly, but usually in those cases my instincts are right.


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## Tynen (Aug 26, 2013)

It really depends on the context and person, if it's aimless and unjustified in my mind I don't really feel it. If it's somewhat justified and somewhat targeted I'll feel it, and shut down. I'll go internal and stop existing. From this point I have two options, I can either explode on them and tear them apart very objectively and very powerfully, or I can remain inside of myself and hold my own pain (typically what I do)


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## Polythene Pam (Oct 30, 2013)

thegirlcandance said:


> As NFs, how do you deal with intense emotions from a friend, relative, etc.? How do you deal with being yelled at?
> 
> I know for myself, an INFJ, immediately my heart rate jumps up and depending on how intense the emotions of the other person are, I will shake and become very anxious. Typically I will just withdraw from the situation then at that point in order to calm myself down from my empathy going haywire. If it is something that is directed to myself personally, it is like emotional abuse... to me it feels about as bad if not worse than being physically beaten.
> 
> I'm wondering how this is for other NF types or even for other INFJs... I wonder if it's at all similar according to personality type or if perhaps other factors influence it.


I am like immediate conflict resolution or back away action.

I just want it to END as soon as possible. I am a big problem-solver and like to rush to heart of it in the name of peace, harmony, and understanding. But if it's an attack on me more than a conflict, I just like shrink and apologize and feel bad about myself.

Attacks on others, my Fi kicks in hard and I become like super advocate lady.


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## StElmosDream (May 26, 2012)

I normally try to monitor breathing, with stress and anxiety being a result of under breathing and anger being a case of over breathing.

Then again I am prone to quick fire rapid speech when anxious and feeling excessively pressured to simplify thinking, and slower speech when nervous or uncertain about something, typically holding my breath i.e. trying to watch posture and where blood is moving away from.
@thegirlcandance
I wonder have you read http://www.amazon.co.uk/Emotions-Revealed-Understanding-Faces-Feelings/dp/0753817659 ... after a re-reading your original post, I'd have to say it depends upon the person (my ESFJ Mother for example is someone I struggle to guard against projective stress or heavily negative emotions, unlike with friends where I can detach observing a situation from up to 10 perspectives at once, whereas with excessively dominant or authoritative figures I can find it difficult to reflect back negativity when active listening or probing exploring questions fail to encourage harmony or pauses for thought...perhaps in such cases bluntness or 'your stepping on my toes' needs to be verbalised more).


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## SpartanKendoka (Aug 7, 2013)

I am exactly the same way, with regards to the mirror comment. It can be quite frustrating in hindsight, especially when you want to maintain your composure.


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## fairies (Nov 2, 2013)

When I'm in a situation where I got yelled at, or my feelings are hurt, usually I breathe very slowly and count myself breathing in my head to stop myself from crying (especially works if I'm in a situation where I can't really walk away). It also helps to keep my hands busy, so I usually play with my necklace or grab something and twirl it through my fingers and put my focus on the movement of the object I'm playing with to detach from my feelings. Sometimes it helps, other times I have to leave the room if I can and cry for couple seconds.


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## Ametcitra (Nov 1, 2013)

If people scream at me I usually get all teary-eyed (from fear... or sadness if they hurt me) and I begin shaking. After a while I may or may not start laughing hysterically and then tell EVERYONE about how scary it was. After that I start brooding over it and feel sad :sad:


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## ChkChkBoom (Nov 10, 2013)

I withdraw when I have intense emotions and try to reorganise my thoughts and feelings, making sure I handle the matter appropriately.

When someone is confronting me and I think the reason is stupid, my face goes stone cold and I become stoic and seemingly detached. They assume I'm a heartless person, but even though I don't necessarily 'show' how I feel, I have a whole lot of rage happening beneath the surface. 

If there is screaming and shouting involved, I shout aswell just to be heard and don't back down. I fight back just as hard.

I'm not much of a public cryer...or much of a cryer at all. I think that's due to growing up in a family that values emotional control.


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## nO_d3N1AL (Apr 25, 2014)

Do any other Fi users find it difficult to pin down exactly WHAT they're feeling during times of intense emotions? I sometimes get strong random feelings but i don't know if it's positive or negative and what caused it


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## ...fadeinfadeout... (Sep 2, 2014)

When I get yelled at by parents, I react to it in an emotional way -.- oh gosh, they think I can be over sensitive lol.


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