# Sticky  Shadow Love/Attraction



## TreeBob

While having lunch with my co-worker the other day the topic of cognitive functions came up. Eventually we started discussing the shadow functions that have been popularized by John Beebe. I have been intrigued in general by cognitive functions and have looked into them a bit more for the last few months. Studying a persons cognitive functions says a lot more about them then their MBTI does. While they are both related, the cognitive better explains why people get the percentages of each letter they get. Near the end of the meal I started thinking about what types shared my shadows but as their four main functions. What i found was quite interesting. 

ESTP has the functions Se Ti Fe Ni and the shadow are Si Te Fi Ne. While checking out the cognitive functions I was quite shocked at what I found. The four types that use the ESTP shadow functions were ESTJ, ISTJ, INFP and ENFP. The commonality you see is STJ and NFP. This significance for me was nothing short of profound. I have had three women who I can say I have been truly in love with in my 36 years. My ex-wife who is an ENFP and two girls after the marriage (ESTJ and INFP). The only one lacking is an ISTJ, but I did meet one and I admit to having strong desires for her. Given time it too might have blossomed into more deep relation. Could this be a coincidence? I really have a hard time thinking it is. My relationships with these women went beyond mere infatuation and sexual attraction. I still think of all four even now. 

So this brings up a few questions. First and foremost; is this just a fluke? Would the relationships really last or is it a fleeting infatuation. Can I date other MBTI types and really love them as much and in the same way? To really prove this theory correct I need more data and that means you! In order to do this correctly though you will need to tell me the people you love and their types. If they have not taken the test then please ask them to take it. No guessing! I can say my ex-wife falls into three of hers just as I did. She (ENFP) has loved an ESTP (me), ISTP and INFJ. 

Remember this is a theory and most important I am not saying you can't love any MBTI type no matter what type you are. I am just pointing out (For better or worse) that I am attracted to my shadows. I truly believe of the 4 shadow mates I would be best off with ESTJ and ISTJ purely due to the sensing. That said there is no doubting the powerful draw I have to all four types. To help you all out I created a handy chart to connect you to your possible "soul mates".


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## WickedQueen

I'm not sure what's my first ex type, I guess he might be an ENTP. I am sooo over him completely. And the second ex was INTJ. I still miss him sometimes.


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## rswear

My ex was an ENFJ (and yes she took the test) 

As a side note, of my sisters the one I am the closest to is also an ENFJ. 
I have also noticed that of the women I tend to connect with, I suspect they are usually NFJ, but I will have to think about the STP.


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## EvilByte

I must say I like the idea of this theory. It seems to work for me, at any rate. I've been attracted to and fallen in love with many NFPs, and I find I am attracted to ESTJs despite my preference for NF. I'm not sure I can classify many/any girls I've met as ISTJ, so it's hard to tell on that one.

Amended: I actually did date an ISTJ. Fancy that!


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## TreeBob

Awesome EvilByte we have another satisfied customer!


Remember everyone that this is not about who you date. I have date lots of women but I have loved but a few. They are the ones I am interested in. You could have also had a secret crush on someone for a longtime and not done anything about it. This is important as well.


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## Sily

My deepest connections in my life, with lovers, husband or friends, the kind of connections that I cannot push away or deny and that seem to last a lifetime, have occurred due to something I cannot explain (feels otherworldy to me) and I think The Cause has very little to do with MBTI or functions or shadows. Those relationships occurred, it feels like, because it was Destiny. I'm thinking of my bestest, bestest, bestest girlfriend right now - she appeared, there was an immediate connection and the relationship has sustained itself without any work. It just happens, like it was meant to be.


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## Verdant Hollow

The theory is interesting, but I don't think it works just right for me. I haven't been in a lot of relationships though, so maybe that's the problem 

As an NTP I never find myself romantically interested in NTJs or SFPs. 

While I like NTJs as friends, I have never found myself attracted to the personality of any NTJ female I know. I'd find NTJs too bull-headed in a relationships. That Te grinds me personally, maybe other ENTPs feel differently.

SFPs are just too foreign to me. We can entertain each other for a bit. I only have one close SFP friend, and it took over 10 years to get close to them.

I find myself interested in NTPs, NFPs, and INFJs. NTPs and NFPs have that Ne connection that's so strong. That's not really the case with INFJs, but I find that the strong N backed up with Ti works. You need a mature ENTP with a developed Fe, otherwise they'll grate the INFJ.


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## TreeBob

tdmg said:


> The theory is interesting, but I don't think it works just right for me. I haven't been in a lot of relationships though, so maybe that's the problem
> 
> As an NTP I never find myself romantically interested in NTJs or SFPs.
> 
> While I like NTJs as friends, I have never found myself attracted to the personality of any NTJ female I know. I'd find NTJs too bull-headed in a relationships. That Te grinds me personally, maybe other ENTPs feel differently.
> 
> SFPs are just too foreign to me. We can entertain each other for a bit. I only have one close SFP friend, and it took over 10 years to get close to them.
> 
> I find myself interested in NTPs, NFPs, and INFJs. NTPs and NFPs have that Ne connection that's so strong. That's not really the case with INFJs, but I find that the strong N backed up with Ti works. You need a mature ENTP with a developed Fe, otherwise they'll grate the INFJ.


I find it tough with NTPs, the ones I know well are extremely picky and even thought they want to date always find a reason to drop him. The INTP friend is currently dating an ESFJ (borderline P). So far so good as they just celebrated their 1st anniversary. 

Also, you do need a lot of relationships to find out if this works. The only other way would be to put yourself into a room full of SFP and NTJ and see what happens. Like I mentioned in my theory this is about attraction. I firmly believe that you would always be better off with intuitive if you are an intuitive (in the long run). Any relationship can work with any personality type though, it just might take more effort. 



Sily Wily said:


> My deepest connections in my life, with lovers, husband or friends, the kind of connections that I cannot push away or deny and that seem to last a lifetime, have occurred due to something I cannot explain (feels otherworldy to me) and I think The Cause has very little to do with MBTI or functions or shadows. Those relationships occurred, it feels like, because it was Destiny. I'm thinking of my bestest, bestest, bestest girlfriend right now - she appeared, there was an immediate connection and the relationship has sustained itself without any work. It just happens, like it was meant to be.


I am happy you have a wonderful friend but I don't believe in destiny. :happy:


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## starri

The relationships i had that turned into something serious were INTP and ESTP. 
I guess Im a sucker for fe and ti.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Viktoria2

*I loved an ESTP wayy more than I should have once. It wasn't normal, it was like an obsession. I couldn't stop thinking about him. It was crazy. I liked him so much because he could be logical when I couldn't, and just kinda had this attitude like he was free and didn't care about anything. It's kinda hard to talk about, but...just for the sake of the experiment. *


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## TreeBob

Viktoria said:


> *I loved an ESTP wayy more than I should have once. It wasn't normal, it was like an obsession. I couldn't stop thinking about him. It was crazy. I liked him so much because he could be logical when I couldn't, and just kinda had this attitude like he was free and didn't care about anything. It's kinda hard to talk about, but...just for the sake of the experiment. *


You can talk about it if you want  I will be adding you and Leila to the "it works" category.


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## Verdant Hollow

Yeah, even as a theory of attraction, not compatibility, it doesn't work for me. Though it might just be me 

I was going to propose that maybe some types/people are attracted to their shadows and some aren't, but I'm not attracted to ISFJs, even if they have the same shadow functions as I do, so that made me doubtful.

Good luck!


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## Viktoria2

*TreeBob, it also might have something to do with life experiences. Say if you went through some bad life experiences, you might be more likely to be attracted to your shadow types. Just to give you another possibility. *


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## TreeBob

tdmg said:


> Yeah, even as a theory of attraction, not compatibility, it doesn't work for me. Though it might just be me
> 
> I was going to propose that maybe some types/people are attracted to their shadows and some aren't, but I'm not attracted to ISFJs, even if they have the same shadow functions as I do, so that made me doubtful.
> 
> Good luck!


Well that is not in my case and I don't think it is in Alizée's case either. Regarding NTPs we won't know if you are right until we get more data. 



Viktoria said:


> *TreeBob, it also might have something to do with life experiences. Say if you went through some bad life experiences, you might be more likely to be attracted to your shadow types. Just to give you another possibility. *


This isn't my case at all/ I have dated my shadow types all throughout my life.


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## Norway88ESTP

My ex is INFJ


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## TreeBob

Are yo saying you had one ex and it was an INFJ or this is the one you loved more than any? 

I am not looking necessarily all girlfriends. Just the ones you were extremely attracted to. This theory isn't specifically about whether the type combination below are the BEST FIT just the most attractive or felt the most love.


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## kiskadee

Yeah, I can say with some certainty that a good portion of the people I have loved most and been most attracted to have been NTJs and SFPs. (Though there are probably just as many NTPs and INFPs and other sorts who are more like myself.)


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## TreeBob

Grish said:


> Yeah, I can say with some certainty that a good portion of the people I have loved most and been most attracted to have been NTJs and SFPs. (Though there are probably just as many NTPs and INFPs and other sorts who are more like myself.)


Oh for sure there are other types more like yourself. This is attraction to your cognitive opposites.


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## Eylrid

I don't have much experience with romantic relationships, but I can say that my older brother is INFJ. I really look up to him and enjoy spending time with him.


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## RomanticEditor

Hmmmm? 

I can only identify one attraction in my life and she was INFJ as I am. I think my ex-wife was "the General" in personality types. Which one would that be?


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## TreeBob

lantern said:


> How would an ESTJ suffocate someone? are you referring to an unhealthy ESTJ?
> 
> I can't think back to a time when I came across as suffocating to my exes - I would be the opposite actually. Interested to hear your view Functionalyst!


Not going to speak for him but I know a lot of people don't like the way some ESTJ can be bossy and controlling.


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## lantern

TreeBob said:


> Not going to speak for him but I know a lot of people don't like the way some ESTJ can be bossy and controlling.


Bossy? hmmm...the only times when I can be is when my mum is eating foods that make her ill and she doesn't listen to doctor's advice. But I tell her that it's only because I care. Is that considered bossy? because I don't think so....

Controlling - I don't know anyone who is an ESTJ, as none of the people I know have taken MBTI assessment. But then whatever their type if they are bossy and controlling then that's just the way they are, I can choose to not let it affect me, and silently ignore them or pretend I didn't hear them keke.


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## Functianalyst

TreeBob said:


> As always, great writing Functian my man. I am a Beebe fan for sure and I agree with your reasoning for the most part. I will disagree only on your last point. I have a lot of experience dating all 4 of my shadow types now. My ENFP of 17 years didn't really give me the freedom you speak of. Were we compatible? Yes and no. We would be great until it came to expression of feelings. ENFPs require a lot of emotional feedback and for an ESTP that isn't an easy thing to give.
> 
> Not sure if you ever listed the types you've dated or not. Have you dated any of your 4 shadows in my theory?


Thanks Bob, I really have never tried to type anyone of interest. Besides, I have been with my current partner far longer than ever becoming involved in type. I am not sure how shadow types work when it comes to dating. In my opinion and based on what Beebe says, your shadow type would be ISTJ. Eveyone else would be fair game as for as getting along with an ESTP.


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## Functianalyst

lantern said:


> How would an ESTJ suffocate someone? are you referring to an unhealthy ESTJ?
> 
> I can't think back to a time when I came across as suffocating to my exes - I would be the opposite actually. Interested to hear your view Functionalyst!


But that is in the eye of the beholder, don't you think? I can only refer back to two people who have ever said they believed they were ESTJs. Both seemed to very organized but the one that supervised me directly seemed more ESTP-ish than J-ish in how he allowed me to do my job. He was very hands-off in our dealings and I appreciated him allowing me to do my job my way. As long as I got my work done, he gave me free reign. The other most likely is ESTJ. She’s very nice, but I have been told that when she did supervise, she was a micromanager. That would have driven me batty. I can only go by what other ISTPs on this forum have said about people they have dated. As already stated and based on what I have read *here*, although I do a lot of what ESTJs do, sustaining this effort would be quite oppressing for me. I posted under the SJ temperament, SJs on a team. This is how ESTJs are said to build relationships:


> For them, team relationships are about showing caring and concern by providing structure and organization. They enjoy being with people, keeping track of everyone, and staying connected. They want to establish a solid foundation of structure and routine. They often take responsibility for teaching people how to be responsible and what’s important so the team will be successful. They tend to have high expectations, of themselves and of others, and tend to push and educate colleagues on the right way to do things. They relate by taking care of what needs to be taken care of, working very hard, and giving of their time.


Kewords are push. If someone wants something for themselves, great but to feel what works for them will be good for me as well, is intolerable.


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## lantern

Functianalyst said:


> Kewords are push. If someone wants something for themselves, great but to feel what works for them will be good for me as well, is intolerable.


Wouldn't this depend on the type of work you do? In the creative industry I can understand the free reign needed and I'm all for that.
Although if it was a 'serious' organisation that you worked for, for example, social services, the safety of a child is priority, an employee whether they are admin or the social worker would in my eyes, should as much as possible not fault in their work, there is that deep level of duty and responsibility. And as Guardian temperaments they TEND to work in the governments, society-type helping organisations - wouldn't having that 'push' be a given? Guardians in retrospect are seen as the backbone of society, that keeps the world and economy running - as referring to Keirsey's description.

I think I have gone off the topic slightly hah.

I may be coming across as looking into it too deeply, I'm saying this in a light-hearted tone btw :happy:
as I always am with the way I speak in person, although you can't hear me speak!


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## TreeBob

Functianalyst said:


> Thanks Bob, I really have never tried to type anyone of interest. Besides, I have been with my current partner far longer than ever becoming involved in type. I am not sure how shadow types work when it comes to dating. In my opinion and based on what Beebe says, your shadow type would be ISTJ. Eveyone else would be fair game as for as getting along with an ESTP.


I should be clear. I am a Beebe fan but this theory is not a replication of Beebe's work. My true shadow is ISTJ but I have 4 shadow types in total. ENFP, INFP, ESTJ and ISTJ all use my 4 shadow functions. The shadow functions seem to create an odd attraction to me and apparently many other types as well. My true shadow (ISTJ) is my perfect match BUT I am very attracted to the other 3 types as well. I have dated many other non-shadow types and there can be some chemistry but I find it wears off quick.


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## lantern

Hey Functianalyst, I'm not even the slightest bit annoyed that you haven't shared your further thoughts 
Come on, have a friendly banter and please me and Bob here.


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## AEIOU

Have you read this book? Why We Love? by Helen Fisher

If you haven't it's exceptionally good reading. Well researched, concise and not boring.
Dr. Helen Fisher PhD. is considered the worlds leading researcher on love.

Dr Helen Fisher - Biological Anthropologist - Home Page

Fisher distinguishes between four personality types each of which she associates with a body chemical.The corresponding Platonic term - as Fisher identified the types herself - and the resulting corresponding Keirsey temperament (according to the speculation of some readers, not Fisher herself) can be seen in parentheses. However, Fisher's system allows for 12 combinations, not 16 types like Keirsey, meaning that there cannot be a perfect correspondence between them:


explorer (artistic, Artisan temperament, orange) - dopamine
negotiator (intuitive, Idealist temperament, blue) - estrogen
director (reasoning, Rational temperament, green) - testosterone
builder (sensible, Guardian temperament, gold) - serotonin.


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## lantern

AEIOU said:


> Have you read this book? Why We Love? by Helen Fisher
> 
> If you haven't it's exceptionally good reading. Well researched, concise and not boring.
> Dr. Helen Fisher PhD. is considered the worlds leading researcher on love.
> 
> Dr Helen Fisher - Biological Anthropologist - Home Page
> 
> Fisher distinguishes between four personality types each of which she associates with a body chemical.The corresponding Platonic term - as Fisher identified the types herself - and the resulting corresponding Keirsey temperament (according to the speculation of some readers, not Fisher herself) can be seen in parentheses. However, Fisher's system allows for 12 combinations, not 16 types like Keirsey, meaning that there cannot be a perfect correspondence between them:
> 
> 
> explorer (artistic, Artisan temperament, orange) - dopamine
> negotiator (intuitive, Idealist temperament, blue) - estrogen
> director (reasoning, Rational temperament, green) - testosterone
> builder (sensible, Guardian temperament, gold) - serotonin.


Can you explain further if possible? am very interested. I did read on Keirsey website that Guardians pair best with Artisans, and then Idealists. But what's the relation between the neurotransmitters/hormones and the temperament?


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## AEIOU

lantern said:


> Can you explain further if possible? am very interested. I did read on Keirsey website that Guardians pair best with Artisans, and then Idealists. But what's the relation between the neurotransmitters/hormones and the temperament?



Falling in love is simple and MBTI doesn't need to be factored into the equation of attraction. You cannot attributre every occurrence to MBTI.
If you are hot and horny for someone it's not because he has some "special" type. It's your hormones working overtime.
If you lose your hormones (menopause) or have a hormone imbalance your desire for your partner can wane. Prescription medications and hormonal birth control can over time alter your brain chemistry, not your MBTI.
The birth control pill has actually been called the divorce pill.

Implications of The Sexual Attraction Exception link here.

If you want to know more about what Dr. Helen Fisher has to say about the chemistry of lust and attraction, also her take on marriage/cheating/divorce go to YouTube and watch videos of her conferences. She is easy to find on YouTube there are several videos of her conferences. Here is one of many. 




Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

I would suppose though if you want a successful and enduring relationship, then MBTI would be the way to go.


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## Functianalyst

lantern said:


> Wouldn't this depend on the type of work you do? In the creative industry I can understand the free reign needed and I'm all for that.
> Although if it was a 'serious' organisation that you worked for, for example, social services, the safety of a child is priority, an employee whether they are admin or the social worker would in my eyes, should as much as possible not fault in their work, there is that deep level of duty and responsibility. And as Guardian temperaments they TEND to work in the governments, society-type helping organisations - wouldn't having that 'push' be a given? Guardians in retrospect are seen as the backbone of society, that keeps the world and economy running - as referring to Keirsey's description.
> 
> I think I have gone off the topic slightly hah.
> 
> I may be coming across as looking into it too deeply, I'm saying this in a light-hearted tone btw :happy:
> as I always am with the way I speak in person, although you can't hear me speak!


I was referring to personal relationships. Most people act SJ at work, in particularly where SJ values are needed to succeed.


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## Functianalyst

lantern said:


> Hey Functianalyst, I'm not even the slightest bit annoyed that you haven't shared your further thoughts
> Come on, have a friendly banter and please me and Bob here.


I think you just made my point:wink: Anyhow, what other thoughts do you believe I should share? I gave quite a treatise on what I thought about the subject.


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## sk3tched

This is interesting, because my relationships have been with an INTJ and an ENTJ...I don't think I've met any ISFPs (although I've typed my youngest brother as a very unhealthy one, and he hates me, and I suppose the feeling is mutual), and ESFPs I think would bother me.


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## lantern

AEIOU said:


> Falling in love is simple and MBTI doesn't need to be factored into the equation of attraction. You cannot attributre every occurrence to MBTI.
> If you are hot and horny for someone it's not because he has some "special" type. It's your hormones working overtime.
> If you lose your hormones (menopause) or have a hormone imbalance your desire for your partner can wane. Prescription medications and hormonal birth control can over time alter your brain chemistry, not your MBTI.
> The birth control pill has actually been called the divorce pill.
> 
> Implications of The Sexual Attraction Exception link here.
> 
> If you want to know more about what Dr. Helen Fisher has to say about the chemistry of lust and attraction, also her take on marriage/cheating/divorce go to YouTube and watch videos of her conferences. She is easy to find on YouTube there are several videos of her conferences. Here is one of many. YouTube - Lust or Love - Dr. Helen Fisher, Chemistry.com
> 
> Smart man + smart woman = romance
> Smart man + dumb woman = affair
> Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
> Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
> 
> I would suppose though if you want a successful and enduring relationship, then MBTI would be the way to go.


Aha yes I get it now, I have read up on it before - I do know that there's more to a romance than MBTI...and that hormones play a huge part....scientists have also said smell plays a part in the attraction process. I know it's a fictitious film but ever seen the film Perfume - story of a murderer?

And somehow physically attractive people, even if you haven't seen them in person, or even just see the back of someone you kind of instantly know that they'll be attractive? does that make sense?
Of course it's not all looks, personality and character play a big role as well.....so I generally believe that happy people are attractive people.


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## lantern

Functianalyst said:


> I was referring to personal relationships. Most people act SJ at work, in particularly where SJ values are needed to succeed.


Still don't get it, possibly because I get the sense that you're categorising all ESTJs as controlling and I feel kind of pigeonholed and find it unfair. Not all ESTJs have all the ESTJ preferences, there is some flexibility according to their life experiences and personal growth - so there's the unhealthy and the healthy ESTJ.
I'm not challenging your view in an aggressive way, just kind of hmmmmm....keep thinking 'but why though, Functianalyst?'




Functianalyst said:


> I think you just made my point:wink: Anyhow, what other thoughts do you believe I should share? I gave quite a treatise on what I thought about the subject.


I want to know your actual personal experience with ESTJ and why you have that view about this personality type.

I've sort of wondered whether to change my type in my description or even just ommit that info in my profile...just to experiment how people will respond to me :tongue:


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## Functianalyst

lantern said:


> Still don't get it, possibly because I get the sense that you're categorising all ESTJs as controlling and I feel kind of pigeonholed and find it unfair. Not all ESTJs have all the ESTJ preferences, there is some flexibility according to their life experiences and personal growth - so there's the unhealthy and the healthy ESTJ.
> I'm not challenging your view in an aggressive way, just kind of hmmmmm....keep thinking 'but why though, Functianalyst?'
> 
> I want to know your actual personal experience with ESTJ and why you have that view about this personality type.
> 
> I've sort of wondered whether to change my type in my description or even just ommit that info in my profile...just to experiment how people will respond to me :tongue:


Know what Lantern, you’re correct. I stated my opinion on, not what I know as facts about ESTJs. I recant my statements because I despise people on the forums who do it as well. What I know about ESTJs can be based on those who have claimed they were. One was a co-worker that I grew tiresome of daily because he seemed to drain my energy. Since he merely took a test and never seemed to have confirmed his type, I am suspect as to whether he may be another type. 

The other was a recent supervisor that I would have to say was one of the best that I had ever known. He allowed me to do my work as I saw fit and always told me just to be able to get back to the office quickly if I was needed, when things were slow. I only know of one female who claimed years ago that she is ESTJ. I am suspect as to whether she is as well. Thank you for your reasoning and I will look forward to reading your posts. I think that I may learn something from you.


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## Persephone

First ex was INFP. Second ex was INFx. Thir- Well. We had a short fling (although I was attracted to him on more than a purely physical basis, I swear. We did know each other, and have done some things together). He was an ISTP, probably. I'm interested in an INFJ.

I guess those who use my shadow functions are ESFJ, ISFJ, ENTP and INTP.


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## TreeBob

Persephone said:


> First ex was INFP. Second ex was INFx. Thir- Well. We had a short fling (although I was attracted to him on more than a purely physical basis, I swear. We did know each other, and have done some things together). He was an ISTP, probably. I'm interested in an INFJ.
> 
> I guess those who use my shadow functions are ESFJ, ISFJ, ENTP and INTP.


Well when you actually fall for someone let me know :happy:


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## yesiknowbut

Sorry, doesn't work for me. NTJ, yes, I certainly get on well with them, although not sure what my two previous serious relationships actually were. Almost all the important people in my life though, including my husband of 15 years and the friend I have been close to since were both 10, are NFJ. I don't "get" sensors on any deep level. Really I don't think I could consider a relationship with one.


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## AEIOU

lantern said:


> Aha yes I get it now, I have read up on it before - I do know that there's more to a romance than MBTI...and that hormones play a huge part....scientists have also said smell plays a part in the attraction process.


Helen Fisher completely left out, made virtually no mention of pheromones and copulins in her book.
I have emailed her a couple of times with various questions. She answered me on the subject of pheromones, that it would take up a whole nother chapter and that she was currently too busy to research all of it. But she admitted that it did factor in. I also tried to pin her down as to how her typing matches up or coincides with MBTI, but when answering that she was kind of vague/ambiguous. She is an anthropologist/Darwinian and she probably prefers looking at human behaviour from that aspect rather than having to deal with the more psychological aspects. But there is a lot of great information in her conclusions, especially dealing with innate biological brain functions/processes.


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## s1ng4m3

s1ng4m3 said:


> do you mean the 'know your bias' thread? I recognize that (obviously) not all persons are the same; I should have specified that *that particular* SFJ was a definite clash of shadow types. Not that all persons act in the same way; I simply find I have difficulty relating to that type in general. Which is probably why I've only known one. I'm a tough person to be friends with, and I know this.


NVM - I found the thread you were referencing. I stick with the above addendum - apologies if it appeared I was forcing all persons into a stereotype; rather just relating personal experience with one person (and with recognition to my bias towards that person due to the unhappy nature of our interaction).


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## vvv.

*=)*

I'm completely unfamiliar with cognitive functions. Definitely going to have to read up on it at a later point.

I've had the opportunity of being able to get to know quite a few people and have been involved, in one way or another, with a pretty fair amount. However, there are only a few that pop out in regards to having that natural extreme attraction you're referring to.

The first one that comes to mind is an ESTP. (Yea, I forced him to take the test). I was attracted to him for the same reasons Viktoria stated at the very beginning of this thread: logical, attitude of being free and not caring, and just someone who was totally capable of living in the now. Obviously, there are other reasons as well, but a lot of it stems from the fact that, in many regards, he is very much my opposite. We both are kind of involved with other people now, but the attraction still persists. I also recall him once conveying the idea that, much to his frustration, this unexplained attraction was mutual. However, I don't always fit the stereotype of your typical INFP. 

There are a few others that I've felt the same way with, but I am not certain of their Myers-Briggs types.


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## Lokkye

the person I thought I had the deepest connection with was an ENFP, but I actually make good friends with some SFs and other NFs, my best friend I think Is an ENFJ


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## Lord Sir Garrett

My best friend and current romantic interest is an ISFP (to my INTP). She seems to be involved in about 2/3 of my posts. Seems like you're onto something here, hahah.


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## SyndiCat

So, this means I'm attracted to people who are utterly f-ed in the head, or? Well shoot, I gotta stay away from NF/SP's then.


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## TreeBob

MikeAngell said:


> So, this means I'm attracted to people who are utterly f-ed in the head, or? Well shoot, I gotta stay away from NF/SP's then.


Well Mike, how about you solidify what you are in MBTI before you decide to use my theory. You aren't an ISFP as far as I knew.


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## dizzygirl

I freaking love INTPs and ENTPs!!!!!!!!!! This is weird. and uncanny. maybe coz im not used to this theory.


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## TreeBob

dizzygirl said:


> I freaking love INTPs and ENTPs!!!!!!!!!! This is weird. and uncanny. maybe coz im not used to this theory.


Well there isn't anything to really get used to. My theory isn't perfect and it needs some fine tuning really. I find it does generally work though. It should be a natural attraction that you may never have been seeing in the past. I definitely use my findings to my advantage when dating


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## Gauntlet

Hmm data. Data is always good to gather.

No, I haven't been overly attracted to my shadow function types. I'm quite attracted to NTPs and NTJs actually. 
My friends are all over the board, but my closest are NFPs. I also get along well with well rounded SFPs and SFJs. Never met an STJ that I was fond of, though a first impression of an ESTJ got my interest and "I felt safe around him" but meh in general.

Edit: Ironically I forgot to mention STPs. I not sure I ever met another STP, but I find the thought of meeting others as "a good thought". I think I'd just bounce merrily along with other STPs.
Edit2: Oi! How could I forget even more so! I get along swimmingly with a ESTP professor of mine.


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## pinkrasputin

TreeBob said:


> Well there isn't anything to really get used to. My theory isn't perfect and it needs some fine tuning really. I find it does generally work though. It should be a natural attraction that you may never have been seeing in the past. *I definitely use my findings to my advantage when dating*


Then perhaps your findings are merely a confirmation bias?


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## TreeBob

pinkrasputin said:


> Then perhaps your findings are merely a confirmation bias?


Not really sure what you mean.


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## pinkrasputin

TreeBob said:


> Not really sure what you mean.


Here is a definition from Wikipedia:



> *Confirmation bias* (also called confirmatory bias or myside bias) is a tendency for people to favour information that confirms their preconceptions or hypotheses regardless of whether the information is true. As a result, people gather evidence and recall information from memory selectively, and interpret it in a biased way. The biases appear in particular for emotionally significant issues and for established beliefs. For example, in reading about gun control, people usually prefer sources that affirm their existing attitudes. They also tend to interpret ambiguous evidence as supporting their existing position. Biased search, interpretation and/or recall have been invoked to explain attitude polarization (when a disagreement becomes more extreme even though the different parties are exposed to the same evidence), belief perseverance (when beliefs persist after the evidence for them is shown to be false), the irrational primacy effect (a stronger weighting for data encountered early in an arbitrary series) and illusory correlation (in which people falsely perceive an association between two events or situations).
> A series of experiments in the 1960s suggested that people are biased towards confirming their existing beliefs. Later work explained these results in terms of a tendency to test ideas in a one-sided way, focusing on one possibility and ignoring alternatives. In combination with other effects, this strategy can bias the conclusions that are reached. Explanations for the observed biases include wishful thinking and the limited human capacity to process information. Another proposal is that people show confirmation bias because they are pragmatically assessing the costs of being wrong, rather than investigating in a neutral, scientific way.
> Confirmation biases contribute to overconfidence in personal beliefs and can maintain or strengthen beliefs in the face of contrary evidence. Hence they can lead to disastrous decisions, especially in organizational, military, political and social contexts.


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## SyndiCat

TreeBob said:


> Well Mike, how about you solidify what you are in MBTI before you decide to use my theory. You aren't an ISFP as far as I knew.


I was trying to be funny. Again, I have failed miserably. Nevermind what I said.

I'm not an ISFP as far as you know, or knew? Knew? I'm not sure I understand 
where you're getting at with this. What are you implying?


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## TreeBob

MikeAngell said:


> I was trying to be funny. Again, I have failed miserably. Nevermind what I said.
> 
> I'm not an ISFP as far as you know, or knew? Knew? I'm not sure I understand
> where you're getting at with this. What are you implying?


I said that cause when you joined the forum weren't you a different type?



pinkrasputin said:


> Here is a definition from Wikipedia:


Well I made the theory based on bias of course. I mean this is personality theory. There is no way to make a theory up unless you base it on past experience/feelings. I wrote this article in order to collect more data to either support or refute it. You can go back and read every thread but it is generally showing in my favour. 

From what you told me you have a thing for SPs, so again it fits another person. If I chose to use my theory in real life I fail to see how that is a problem. I certainly don't exclude other types when I date. 

Was there a special reason to call this bias or were you just making an observation.


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## Namaste

I have to say that I am naturally more drawn to ISTPs.. but of the few ESTPs that I do know I will say that communication is so easy and natural... everything just sort of "fits" perfectly. ISTPs take a tiny bit more effort, I think, because we are both introverts, but I think both make good matches.


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## pinkrasputin

TreeBob said:


> Was there a special reason to call this bias or were you just making an observation.


There is a reason. When you said:


TreeBob said:


> I definitely use my findings to my advantage when dating.


 I noticed that you might have created a theory to support your preconceptions (type of person you want to date) and that they are "right" for you. In addition, the theory would be influential on the type of person you want to date. They come to believe there was a "natural attraction" based on a theory. 



TreeBob said:


> You can go back and read every thread but it is generally showing in my favour.


 Well I did just go back and read every thread because I'm anal like that.:tongue: And there have been skeptics as well but I do notice not much discussion is going on in those cases. I think people who often post and support your theory or often using confirmation bias themselves. Plus they are looking for a way to catagorize their attraction as humans often will. 

Plus, when you make statements like this:


TreeBob said:


> It should be a natural attraction *that you may never have been seeing in the past*.


 It's tinged with persuasive influence. You are encouraging people to look "deeper" into proving your theory. And because there is a theory you presented, they are just looking for the areas in which their lives will confirm it. It's like putting a filter on someone's hindsight. 




TreeBob said:


> From what you told me you have a thing for SPs, so again it fits another person.


 I do not support your theory because I believe there is a natural conflict between Fe/Fi and Te/Ti. In my case, I have Fi and tend to conflict with Fe. Your theory suggests that I have a "natural attraction" to them which has certainly not been the case. SPs are only half of your equation, but it still supports all of mine- no Fe is getting in the way of my Fi. And my Te is in tertiary position so it's not usually enough to get in the way of their Ti dominant/auxiliary function. 

This is all according to personal growth, however. I have a real life experience where I tend to get along fabulously with an Fe dom person, but they are 18 years younger than me. I think perhaps their Fe isn't that strong yet so we aren't clashing as much.

If I were to say who is the love of my life based on how we get along and our longevity, I would say it's a fellow ENFP. He has been in my life for 18. But once again, since we both have it, our Fi isn't clashing.

I am older, so I have a tendency to get along with many different types. I don't think there is one type I wouldn't give it the "old college try". However, my shadow: Ni Fe Ti Se, I have never been physically attracted to and I've been on this earth for a while now to know myself.

Also, your theory wouldn't explain why I and many other ENFPs have a natural attraction to INTJs (Ni Te Fi Se). But my theory that Fe/Fi tends to clash does. It's easier for me to get along with others that either have Fi, or don't have Fe in a dominant position. Especially if you are talking about chemistry. 

But then again, if a very balanced and mature Fe partner were to be attracted to a balanced and mature Fi partner, obviously it could work. The same would apply for Te/Ti. But then if they are balanced, there would not be a need for cognitive theories of attraction anyway.


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## TreeBob

Thanks for the reply. 

I said generally in my favour and by the responses that is correct. Of course there are detractors, I never said there wasn't. This issue with my theory and typology in general is there are too many IFs and unknowns involved. Many people get their type wrong and on this forum there are many people switching their types on a weekly basis. The only true way to prove my theory right or wrong (The least statistical variation) would be to have typology experts assessed people give their thoughts on it. Even then they are giving their thoughts on what they think their partners were. Then there is the problem with people who have never dated yet giving their interpretations which is full of issues. 

My theory is bias. I made it based on my past. I do have certainty of type for all and at the time I made the theory I wasn't dating anyone and I was of clear mind. I think my theory works but I am not denying any women based on type and in fact I don't even know most people's type until after we start dating. I make internal guesses what they are, but generally I look for warning signs. I don't want to repeat past mistakes so sometimes whether I am attracted to some women I know it is dangerous to date them. 

Regarding the persuasive influence, if someone comes and makes a post and says no way I would ever date an INFJ! That isn't useful at all. I need to make suggestions or ask questions since it is a forum. Besides you are quoting me on my reply to someone that completely agreed. What I said was true. Not everyone dates and thinks about the types they were dating. I certainly didn't even correlate anything until I made that theory. 

I didn't mean to say SP. My theory isn't about dichotomy so please excuse my mistyping. I meant to say you are attracted to STPs. This is a fact.


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## SyndiCat

TreeBob said:


> I said that cause when you joined the forum weren't you a different type?


Not sure what that has to do with anything I said when I joked around with how I'm fucked in the head, but yeah, I've tested as IxFP ever since I first bumped into and looked into MBTI in June. MBTI-tests type me as IxFP, whereas cognitive-tests type me as IxFJ. If I ask the four individual temperaments, they will all relate to me somehow, and I will relate to them. If I could choose IxFx I would have, but when choosing what type (forum settings) it's either _all_ or _nothing_. And since I can't relate to the INFP type at all anymore, I switched. Do you have a specific personality type you want me to use?


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## TreeBob

I mention it not as an insult if that is what you are saying. If you aren't solid on your type then this theory is not valid for you. It is specific to your type! Why do you have this signature? 



> Type 5>4>9>6>3>2>1>8>7
> SP>SO>SX
> Ni>Si>Ti>Ne>Fe>Fi>Te>Se
> 
> Jaded
> F.M.L.Y.H.M.


That cognitive profile is all over the place unless I am misunderstanding. Is this your strongest to lowest functions? If that is the case then it isn't possible for you to be any combination of NP or SP.


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## SyndiCat

Those are my enneagram and cognitive test scores.

Crap. Now I see I accidently misplaced 4 and 9.


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## Riy

My girlfriend is an ENFJ and we've been together for nearly 2 years and not had a single argument or "hiccup"


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## Zdorobot

The only ESFPs I know were people that I could only handle in moderation. After too much exposure to them, I would get really annoyed. So that definitely doesn't work. Although I've never met an ISFP, so I can't say anything about them.

However, I really respect all the xNTJs I know. They're all extremely intelligent, inquisitive, and wise people. NTJs are so great.


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## Monkey King

ESFJ --- I was able to keep this maintained for 7 years. Chaotic and very unstable relationship. I think for this one I adhered to some sort of idealistic view on "first loves" and tried to aim that he and I last "forever." (I laugh about it now) I was in love with love on this one because near the end, I realized most of who he was (character) did not appeal to me at all. 

INTP --- Became friends with him about the same time that I started going out with the ESFJ. Found him attractive physically but remembered our age difference (he's 2 years younger). I was 17 and he 15. We had a sporadic type of friendship, well at least communication wise. But, I remember when no else made sense--- he was the "go-to" person. And as we matured we also began to talk about similar things. When the ESFJ thing ended (my decision) I began to re-evaluate myself and the perfect go-to person was, yep INTP who help me evaluate. Funny, how his perspective agreed with the foundation of my thought just from an angle I missed. Perhaps this example of a text message can help you evaluate how it worked: 

_NOTE: The context of this conversation is how ex-ESFJ didn't call to say Happy bday regardless of the fact that I had broken up with him. This conversation with INTP happened a week after the break up with ESFJ _

*Me*: but its like why should i even give a damn about someone who didnt even say happy bday even though we've broken up...for the length of time ive known him and cared for him (which now i think he didnt deserve at all) i at least shouldve gotten a happy bday
*INTP:* well for whatever reasons, he may have thought it was inappropriate. and i think you feel entitled to that happy bday only because you WANTED him to say happy bday to you
*ME: *yeh ur right, ugh i hate you lol
*INTP:* lol...thanks? 
Me: yeh i wanted to see if he cared and he didnt so i gotta let it go
*INTP*: you didn't want to see IF he cared, you WANTED him to care. but yes, I agree. Gotta let it go.

The INTP was definitely someone I deeply love(d). The relationship was not chaotic, disagreements were conversations that we tried to find solutions for. But we hardly had many disagreements, just shared ideas on the same thought. For whatever reason it didn't work out (I can only speculate that it was due to tangible circumstances in our lives) it was wonderful while it lasted.


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## WeKnowWeCanFeel

My partner is an INTJ. We actually did an analysis when our relationships was new and reassessed it afterward. The "conflicts" that we anticipated were the only ones we've had and knowing our types has really helped us understand one another. I will post details at a later date. :happy:


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## earthintruder

I agree with this theory on principal (opposites attracting + a feeling of being complete due to the other being so opposite), but it does not work *STRICTLY FOR ME* because of how I am personally.

I have a very, very, very heavy and/or developed Fi, am a male, and seek that emotional soothing quality from my partners. So INTP and ENTP are out. INTP's last function being F makes them totally placid waters and unemotionally electric, and I don't feel I have as firm of a grasp on the ENTP archetype but I see them as much more Ne mentally-oriented (and the more I think about it, I get scared by the idea I have of them - their whole "trickster" nickname I don't know if I could ever trust them to not automatically hold them at eternal arm's length (again, very sensitive Fi)).

I can see SFJ's working, solely because of how heavy my Fi is - wanting the nurturing/to know I'm okay/feel okay, which is what both ESFJ's and ISFJ's seem about. I would think I would do great with ESFJ's actually, do to their take-charge-ness with emotional caretaking. ISFJ's, on the other hand, are just too quiet of people for me and I doubt I would ever trust one to open up to because of their reserved nature leading me to feel like their offering I could just do without instead of making a risk to get a reward that isn't that big of a deal to me (I handle my emotional lack good, plus the reserved expression of their loving doesn't make me feel as strong as ESFJ's type of care) - plus I am attracting to E in terms of romance, definitely (E stands for "Excitement" to me in this regard :wink.

Other stuff: I always thought I would be attracted to INFJ's or INFP's, but as someone else commented, after a while, I can see INTJ/INFJ feeling like too much of the same or too similar - as for INFP's, my attraction due to my heavy Fi lies in them being Fi dom and N (can't do the S-ness of ISFP). I can strongly see a very, very, very chaotic passion for ESFP's, my Shadow type, BUT they always seem too crazy and some other things like that so I would have a very hard time trusting one but if I found one who was and was interested in a serious relationship it'd be whatever that metaphor for a really passionate, fireworky, but sweet (compatible) relationship is (Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet?).


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## Thalassa

It doesn't work for me if I'm really an ENFP. I'm overwhelmingly attracted to SFJs and NTJs romantically, though I do have close female friends who are NFJs, I'm not a huge fan of STPs (it's not that I dislike them, it's just that I could take 'em or leave 'em, no special attraction to speak of).

It would make more sense if I'm ISFP. 

Of course, I'm not gonna change my type based on a compatibility theory, I'm just sayin'. 

I'm not really a fan of the supposed ENFP/ISTJ match either, I think ISFJ would make infinitely more sense, just in my personal experience.


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## renna

The theory makes complete sense. I really get it and where you are coming from. You'll see what I mean. Here are my results, I hope I did it right. 

I'm an INFJ - my functions are: Ni, Fe, Ti, Se 
My shadow functions are: Ne, Fi, Te, Si

I've had to major loves who I was with 3 years and now of 2 years (currently still going).

INTP (Relationship lasted a little over 3 years) - Ti, Ne, Si, Fe (Shadow functions of Te, Ni, Se, Fi)
ENTP (Married now) - Ne, Ti, Te, Si (Shadow Functions of Ni, Te, Fi, Se)

It doesn't match up as to what you were saying about shadow functions. BUT Very interesting because I see a pattern to my preference. I only listed the two people I love(d). Still thinking about this over and over.....


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## myexplodingcat

Hmm. In my experiences, I've seen INTPs driven crazy by INTJs. Not in a good way, either. Be careful.


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## TheOnlyAf

On STJs I totally agree. My closest friends are both STJs (ISTJ,ESTJ both from the same family). Not sure about NFPs though, I've only met a couple that I could completely be sure about. 
First is an ENFP, we dated for about 2 months, but I was so insecure back then she ended up breaking it off. We definitely still get along great even though it's completely platonic now. The other one I just met recently (possible INFP), while we've only actually hung out 3 or 4 times I definitely feel a connection with her. I guess I could see NFPs being soul mates but I just haven't had a 'love' connection with any yet.

I'm usually always attracted to NFJs though, seems like most girlfriends I've had have been ENFJs (though this was before I knew anything about MBTI/Socionics). I've never really had a truly deep connection with them though.. You'd think I'd learn after all this time to start looking for something different.


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## vel

Only works for me if the shadow personality is another intuitive - INFP or ENFP - though the xNFP guys I felt attracted to were usually casual crushes. It doesn't work for me at all if the shadow type is a sensor. I'd say out of all 16 MBTI types the sensor shadow types are the ones I feel most distant from. Most of the guys whom I have been really attracted to have been Ti auxiliary or dominant so it seems I'm looking for my tertiary function, which the shadow types don't have.


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## sea cucumber

For your reausurch Treebob ISTP total love i would go back to him in a short and i would definatly be attarcted to another one, ISFP nearly married ENFP massive crush. New best freind INFP total in love with his persionlity shame I dont fancy him 
STJ I dont get along with to well enough for a relationship they are to rigid and blunt and hard, I would be crying all the time they are great as freinds thier differint attute and outlook is impotant to me. I love them as freinds but not lovers, my recent descovery of other NF has totaly changed my view. Of course I never say never. I dont know how that fits into shadow love and attraction.
but in list form what Im ataracted to is. Seems I dont like J's and Love a bit of Ne and Fi. Mind you the ISTP I was with was totaly hot so that maybe effecting my judgement, also my dad was one.
NFP
NTP
ISXP


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## Life.Is.A.Game

Hmm...this does seem pretty accurate...
I know an ENFJ and INFP that are happily married. 
My ESFJ sister was married to an ENTJ...they are divorced but I'm sure they still have feeling for each other. 
I don't get attached to many people in general, and I didn't know any of my ex's types nor my husband's. He tested as an ENTJ but...if he is, he's very unhealthy lol. still trying to figure him out  
I get along with my ESFJ sister really well.
I can't really stand an ESFP girl and ISTJ girl that i know...
Good communication with ENFJ.
Kinda rambling i guess....


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## Aelthwyn

hmmm it's an interesting theory....somewhat hard to say for me, but the people I have had the most instant and deep connection to (out of those who have taken the test) have been INFP. My husband took the test once and came up INFJ but said he thought that was more his ideal self than who he really is, after further reading and talking about it we're pretty sure he's ISFP and I have that same intense attraction and love for him as with the INFPs who feel like soul mates for me. So....I don't know. hmmm....that would be ENFJ ESTP INFJ ISTP? I haven't identified anyone I've met as these types, but I don't know that I'd be really deeply attracted to them, except maybe INFJ.


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## Simo

TreeBob said:


> If they have not taken the test then please ask them to take it. No guessing!


You lost me here. I trust my "guess" way more than the tests or so called (most) "expert" opinions.

But in case you trust my "guess", the love of my life was an INFJ (no test taken, but I have no doubt she was an INFJ). There were two other women I was secretly "in love with" (or had a strong crush. Honestly I don't know the difference) that I am not sure about their types at all.


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## sparkles

I am not sure I know the types of the ones who got under my skin, but I find this interesting for several reasons. One is that I expressed my shadow type for a few years. I knew I'd tested as INTP, and now I don't, but I think it's interesting that I was consistently in my shadow type.

This makes a lot of sense to me, actually. Pairing up can seem stronger when the other compliments you, and what better way to compliment a person than to be the outward expression of the shadow? 

I think such a relationship could be intoxicating, and if both parties are aware enough, it could even become a very strong bond.


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## Krissie

I absolutely feel sick! My b/f who died in Dec was an ISTP, my "shadow" soul mate. I sure miss him. I just "typed" him. My ex (the hardest to type) was ESTP/J? (every letter was opposite to myself). I also am highly attracted to this butterfly of a guy (what? duhh) and he is ESFP. Other guys I've loved are ENFJ, INTJ.


QUOTE=TreeBob;130023]While having lunch with my co-worker the other day the topic of cognitive functions came up. Eventually we started discussing the shadow functions that have been popularized by John Beebe. I have been intrigued in general by cognitive functions and have looked into them a bit more for the last few months. Studying a persons cognitive functions says a lot more about them then their MBTI does. While they are both related, the cognitive better explains why people get the percentages of each letter they get. Near the end of the meal I started thinking about what types shared my shadows but as their four main functions. What i found was quite interesting. 

ESTP has the functions Se Ti Fe Ni and the shadow are Si Te Fi Ne. While checking out the cognitive functions I was quite shocked at what I found. The four types that use the ESTP shadow functions were ESTJ, ISTJ, INFP and ENFP. The commonality you see is STJ and NFP. This significance for me was nothing short of profound. I have had three women who I can say I have been truly in love with in my 36 years. My ex-wife who is an ENFP and two girls after the marriage (ESTJ and INFP). The only one lacking is an ISTJ, but I did meet one and I admit to having strong desires for her. Given time it too might have blossomed into more deep relation. Could this be a coincidence? I really have a hard time thinking it is. My relationships with these women went beyond mere infatuation and sexual attraction. I still think of all four even now. 

So this brings up a few questions. First and foremost; is this just a fluke? Would the relationships really last or is it a fleeting infatuation. Can I date other MBTI types and really love them as much and in the same way? To really prove this theory correct I need more data and that means you! In order to do this correctly though you will need to tell me the people you love and their types. If they have not taken the test then please ask them to take it. No guessing! I can say my ex-wife falls into three of hers just as I did. She (ENFP) has loved an ESTP (me), ISTP and INFJ. 

Remember this is a theory and most important I am not saying you can't love any MBTI type no matter what type you are. I am just pointing out (For better or worse) that I am attracted to my shadows. I truly believe of the 4 shadow mates I would be best off with ESTJ and ISTJ purely due to the sensing. That said there is no doubting the powerful draw I have to all four types. To help you all out I created a handy chart to connect you to your possible "soul mates".








[/QUOTE]


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## Metis

I feel like I should give an update that supports this theory. I have two older siblings that have both gotten married within the past two years. One is an INFP, the other ESFJ. The ESFJ married an ISFP and the INFP just recently got married to an ENFJ.


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## truth.pride.love

Hello, Treebob.

I've loved one person from each of these types: INTJ, ENFJ, ESFP, and had a very strong crush that I never did anything about with an ISFP. It seems that my least healthy matches were with the SF's, for many reasons...none of which I will bore you with unless otherwise instructed. Also, I felt the deepest connection with the INTJ. 

Does this help in any way?

Edit: I'm not sure this has anything to do with ANYTHING, but when I initially took the cognitive functions test on here, I received the following results:

Your Cognitive Functions:
Extroverted Intuition (Ne) ||||||||||||||||||||||||| 11.85
Introverted Feeling (Fi) |||||||||||||||||||||| 10.04
Extroverted Feeling (Fe) |||||||||||||||||||| 9.31
Introverted Intuition (Ni) ||||||||||||||||||| 8.9
Extroverted Sensation (Se) |||||| 2.03
Extroverted Thinking (Te) || -0.99
Introverted Sensation (Si) || -2
Introverted Thinking (Ti) || -2.01

Are my 4 functions still the same as an average ENFP? (Ne-Fi-Te-Si) I seriously have just gotten started with studying the functions, but from my results, it would appear that my Se is more developed than my Si... would that alter the attraction to the 4 shadows in any way? Also, I'm still very young and have had little exposure to many of the other types. Just a few thoughts! =) Thanks for humoring my incessant ramblings.


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## Jorji

Don't know exactly what my first husband was (ExxJ - probably ESFJ), but he's a narcissistic serial bully combined with pathological liar...so it doesn't even matter what type, because whatever it is, he's an unhealthy one. That relationship ended after 19 years of hell, and it's fine if I never see, speak or even think about him again. I was young, wanted/needed to get away from "home," and I took the first train out...paid dearly for it.

My second husband, who died of cancer, was an ESFP. Started out good (not great) and stayed pretty steady over the first 5 years. The next 3, he was sick and his personality turned really dark.

I'm now with an NT. I love him. As I mentioned in another post, when I'm done, I'm done. But if things go wrong with "R," I think I could easily still be good friends with him.

The only ST relationship that I'm sure of is with my older son. We do understand each amazingly well, given the fact that he is my direct opposite (ESTP). We can have a blast together, but we can also butt heads pretty hard too. The angry times don't last, though, because there is such a strong connection. My other son is the same type as I (INFJ). That relationship is almost always on an even keel. We have great discussions at length, each respecting the other's floor time. Both relationships are very fulfilling but in two completely different ways.

So, your diagram says that I should get along well with STPs and NFPs. I know that I can get along well with STPs, but I wouldn't want one as a mate. As far as NFPs, they drain me. They're wonderful people, but I just feel life leaving my body when I have to spend a lot of time around them. Being an "I" though, I somewhat feel that way with most people...just particularly those with high Fi.


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## Wounded Bird

I am deeply in love with an INTP and have been for two years. We aren't together, but we might be in the future. Right now we are friends with occasional benefits. I can't get into why we aren't together here, but it does involve someone else. 

My first bf I believe, looking back, was ESFP. I doubt I will ever get romantically involved with another one...and I've had a couple other ESFPs who showed interest in me. I am most romantically attracted to INTPs, for sure. Their abstract, deep, powerful intellects thrill me. INTJ is a possibility, but I really don't care for strong Te in a romantic situation. I understand they can organize and motivate me more than an INTP though and that is sometimes very important. STJs aren't out of the question but in general I am much, much more attracted to Intuitives than Sensors. 

Long story short -- I am most attracted to NTPs and the love of my life (so far) is an INTP. STJs are good for me in that they pull me out of the clouds and help the practical matters get done. I consider them necessary in my life for those reasons. But my heart is in the intellectual and emotional bonding, and for that it's all about Intuitives, primarily Intuitive Thinkers, and even more specifically those who use Ti has a dominant or aux function.


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## Thalassa

I have dated an inordinate number of SFJ men. 

But no one in their right mind would pair me with an NTP. No one.


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## PisceanReve

hmmm well I have to say I rarely feel a connection to SFPs. I find it really difficult to truly connect with an ISFP and with an ESFP too for some reason. I have one good ESFP friend but we don't have much conversation topics in common (though we still find things to talk about) I laugh a lot and have a good time with her and she's very caring, but I don't know if she really understands me. As for NTJs...well there are no important NTJs in my life so far (at least that I know of).

What's really weird though (and this will sound like I'm slightly insane but oh well) is that there are three fictional characters that I fell in love with and I wished so much that they were real.
Two are the epitomes of their types (ESFP and ENTJ) and one is kinda hard to type but most say he's an INTJ, but more borderline whatever lol. But who knows how I would do with them in real life.
I hope that didn't sound odd :/

anyways the person I have a really big crush on (like it has lasted three times the normal length *sigh*) is an ESTP or MAYBE a secret ESTJ (I don't know him quite well enough to decide but I'm going for the first one)

I don't know the types of any other crushes (though it was less strong for them I think)

also I like ISFJs (one of my best friends is one) but I usually don't connect with them (less so than ISFPs) we also don't understand each other

I'm actually really into ESTPs lately for some reason lol


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## synecology

not sure about your theory...me (ENFP) has been with an ISTJ for over 23 years.
Somewhere through the years the ENFP in me has sequestered or compromised itself. I've also looked at it from an astrological point of view as we are both cardinal signs and bullheaded...though I backed out of the discourse and just succumbed, I guess love does conquer! hee hee


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## Hruberen

I think that the shadow function attraction theory has less to do with your MBTI shadow functions, as it does your personal shadow functions. For example I am an INFP so my shadow functions are Fe-Ni-Se-Ti, which would attract me to ENFJ-INFJ-ISTP-ESTP, but my personal shadow functions are Ni-Fi-Se-Te, which would attract me to INTJ-ISFP-ESFP-ENTJ


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## AbioticPrime

Hmm, this makes partial sense.

In trying to categorize the ideal woman for me, I've made a series of realizations which I didn't piece together but now that you bring it up, it comes together pretty well.

ENTJ = Te, Ni, Se, Fi. So, shadow = Ti, Ne, Si, Fe. Possibilities: INTP, ENTP, ISFJ, ESFJ.

I've realized I have a soft spot for Fe users, they seem to compliment my inferior Fi fairly well, kind of like the perfect mother type to an immature child. 

Also, I've noticed Ti tends to turn me on -- when a girl naturally takes an interest in breaking things down piece by piece for the mere sake of acquiring knowledge, that's hot.

Although, when it comes to Si + Ne, your theory falls apart.

As for personal shadows -- Ti, Fe, Ni, Si. Makes sense til Si.


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## candymountain

Serial Hero said:


> Hmm, this makes partial sense.
> 
> In trying to categorize the ideal woman for me, I've made a series of realizations which I didn't piece together but now that you bring it up, it comes together pretty well.
> 
> ENTJ = Te, Ni, Se, Fi. So, shadow = Ti, Ne, Si, Fe. Possibilities: INTP, ENTP, ISFJ, ESFJ.
> 
> I've realized I have a soft spot for Fe users, they seem to compliment my inferior Fi fairly well, kind of like the perfect mother type to an immature child.
> 
> Also, I've noticed Ti tends to turn me on -- when a girl naturally takes an interest in breaking things down piece by piece for the mere sake of acquiring knowledge, that's hot.
> 
> Although, when it comes to Si + Ne, your theory falls apart.
> 
> As for personal shadows -- Ti, Fe, Ni, Si. Makes sense til Si.


So are you saying that those four types are someone that you would want? Or just the possibilities of what your personal shadow functions are?


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## Mastodon

Might love have different meanings to different types?

The NT women I've dated all have a very similar outlook on relationships and love; the NF women have a radically different view. Both are beautiful.


----------



## willie48

interwoven spiritual energy combined in flesh vibrating constant emotions that resonate within every cell connected by time & space as we journey into the unknown - 

together & inseparable

loved & hated

Peace Out


----------



## PaulFalcon

ENTJ, INTJ, ESFP, ISFP

I can't say I've dated an NTJ before but the one ESFP I dated, WOWSA! That was a hot one.


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## Cleo

Treebob, I am an INFJ and I am so on fire for ISTJs and ESTPs only. It is strange, I mean I can fall for other types, but this is an attraction that hits me terribly hard. I loose all of my faculties when I'm around them to the point that it makes me angry, because I can't control it. That is when they are combined with the objective Enneagram types. I wouldn't fall for an ISTJ 6. People criticize me for only dating these types, but these men seem to be pretty mutually attracted too.


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## sriracha

@TreeBob So, have you found yourself an ISTJ yet:kitteh:?

I actually don't find myself attracted to INFJs or ENFJs at all in a romantic way. They're good as casual friends. Nothing for ISTPs either. And about ESTPs.....it's possible but it hasn't happened, at least not yet. I do find it easy to connect with ESTPs, but they have such short attention span!! And most of them I know are attracted to feelers so I don't get how I'll end up with one:frustrating:. My older brother, I'm pretty sure is an ESTP. He admits that I'm the one that 'gets' him the most.

I'm quite young and I haven't fell head over heels for anyone yet so who knows what's going to happen....


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## TreeBob

rawr_sheila said:


> @TreeBob So, have you found yourself an ISTJ yet:kitteh:?
> 
> I actually don't find myself attracted to INFJs or ENFJs at all in a romantic way. They're good as casual friends. Nothing for ISTPs either. And about ESTPs.....it's possible but it hasn't happened, at least not yet. I do find it easy to connect with ESTPs, but they have such short attention span!! And most of them I know are attracted to feelers so I don't get how I'll end up with one:frustrating:. My older brother, I'm pretty sure is an ESTP. He admits that I'm the one that 'gets' him the most.
> 
> I'm quite young and I haven't fell head over heels for anyone yet so who knows what's going to happen....


I did date an ISTJ last year and at 1.5 years, it was my longest relationship since my divorce. Circumstances forced us to end it (distance) but overall it was a very good matchup. currently dating an ISTP And it is quite amazing


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## LotusBlossom

fourtines said:


> I have dated an inordinate number of SFJ men.
> 
> But no one in their right mind would pair me with an NTP. No one.


poor dmack...


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## FuzzyLittleManPeach

I've been "in love" 3 times: ESTP, ESFJ, and INTP. I suppose from these three types I can say that I prefer Ti/Fe combo. 

As far as shadow functions go.. Ni + Se, Te + Fi = INTJ, ENTJ, ESFP, ISFP. I am definitely attracted to NTJ, but have never had the experience of falling in love with one. As far as ESFP/ISFP goes.. I can see some compatibility there but it's not ideal for me.


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## Thalassa

Kayness said:


> poor dmack...



Ahhh...no offense to him, seems like a good guy...I've just had a few obvious run-ins with NTPs on-line, so it was more like self-mockery than anything.


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## Gin

I've been thinking about posting on here for a little while...I am an INFP and I dated and fell deeply in love with an ex I believe is an ESTP. He refused to take the test. It was a bit crazy. The relationship was intense we connected and understood each other most of the time in a way that just felt real. I know some people don't believe in love at first sight, but it really was. We didn't date long, about six months. We broke up and got back together constantly, usually me ending things out of frustration and him finding every possible way to get me back (He went so far as to contact my twin sister). This is not a pattern for me. I like to get comfortable and feel like I'm respected and understood and I'm happy being in a long term relationship. There was just something about this ESTP. When things were good, they were amazing, he would get me to try new things and every day with him seemed to end far too soon, but when things were bad they were horrible, he was brutally honest and I never wanted to hurt him. My feelings were constantly hurt by what I feel is the harsh way he would say or do things (I was very serious about my feelings for him and admit I took things too personally at times when I felt like my heart was on the line) and I would fall into a thoughtful depression he never seemed to understand. He always just wanted me to "get over it already" and never understood my need to think things through. This caused a lot of misunderstanding and we ended things. I can't speak for him and only say what I felt in the situation but I never forgot him and haven't felt a connection like that since.

Most recently I dated and loved an ISTJ and our relationship was easygoing and complimentary but not as passionate as the relationship I had with the ESTP.
Hope this helps


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## nonesuch

As nice of a chart as that is, I don't see that I'm all too attracted to my shadows. I'm an INTJ, two of my best friends are INTJ, and my long-standing crush is an INTJ. Quite frankly, I think I just enjoy being around others I can relate to. I feel little-to-no physical attraction to these people, but rather just to be around them (at least physically and social, I could care less for companions) but they're great people. So, I really don't see a lot for the shadow attraction thing, at least for me.


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## luaren

Maybe in depends on where you are in the spectrum of self-awareness or integration with your shadow self. It strikes me that those with less integrated shadow selves would have stronger reactions to their shadow selves, whether it be strong attraction or aversion. Those more aware of their shadow would probably harbor less innate sensitivity to those traits, having incorporated, made peace with or accounted for or divulged them in other ways.


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## RoughEstimate

I haven't yet experienced love, not fresh out of my self-imposed cocoon.
I've never been more entranced by anyone that I currently am with an INFJ, though.
Mystified, really. I think he might return the sentiment.
The only other person I've actually gotten 'close' to is, likewise, an INFP.
I don't think I'll ever stray from INFX and I'm not exaggerating.
Sensitivity.


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## Tasnia

Keirsey started out with this theory. For example, I'm an INFP and he matched us up with our shadows ESTJ. Then he changed to the best match for NFs being NTs and for SPs being SJs.

As an INFP my shadow types are ESTJ, ISTJ, ESTP and ISTP. I have been married to an ISTJ for a long time. It's been difficult, but comfortable. I've been attracted most often to INTPs, ISTPs, ENTPs, ENFJs and ENTJs. I tend to clash tremendously with ESTPs and ESFPs. I like ESTJs but am not attracted to them. Those men who are most like me become platonic friends...INFPs, INFJs, and ENFPs.

So...I don't think it is just the shadow. Most men I've been attracted to are Ns. Although, when it comes to marraige I see many INFPs married to ISTJs. Don't know why.


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## metalme

Can someone please explain to me what 'Shadow Functions' are in simple terms ?


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## havoc313

Shadow functions are least preferred function order for example I am an INTJ my preferred is Ni Te Fi Se my shadow would be an ENTP because there preferred functions are Ne Ti Fe Si.


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## bluenlgy

TreeBob said:


> So this brings up a few questions. First and foremost; is this just a fluke? Would the relationships really last or is it a fleeting infatuation. Can I date other MBTI types and really love them as much and in the same way? To really prove this theory correct I need more data and that means you! In order to do this correctly though you will need to tell me the people you love and their types. If they have not taken the test then please ask them to take it. No guessing! I can say my ex-wife falls into three of hers just as I did. She (ENFP) has loved an ESTP (me), ISTP and INFJ.


This finally explains why I always had such weird attractions to ESFP, ISFP, and ENTJ. I haven't had a formal relationship with any INTJ woman yet, but the other 3 three of my own shadow types I have met quite a lot and the attraction and emotional connections were quite obvious and something I found to be somewhat mysterious. Exiting the relationships with these types were always a powerful experience, feeling like being stabbed on the flesh or something similar, while meeting and leaving other types felt like an easy matter that did not seem it was too much of an emotional issue. 

One interesting aspect of me dating my shadow types is, while not giving too much thought in the first place, I always ended up feeling like I was falling in love with an archetypal evil person that was quite "wrong" for a relationship, but just couldn't help it. And once gotten involved, there was always this strange sense of having gotten myself into something that could potentially go quite deep and lead to a million emotional issues, a feeling often proven true later when the relationships matured a bit more.

With this insight of yours, now I think the shadow types and shadowy attraction are not just a theory, they are a very real phenomenon with real world implications that go beyond the bounds of simply MBTI and personality types. As a matter of fact, I think one day the issue of shadowy types should appear on textbooks and be taught in classes about psychology and human relationships, since it accounts for almost half of anyone's meaningful life experiences and almost all the deep and crazy-ass love stories.


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## Planisphere

bluenlgy said:


> With this insight of yours, now I think the shadow types and shadowy attraction are not just a theory, they are a very real phenomenon with real world implications that go beyond the bounds of simply MBTI and personality types. As a matter of fact, I think one day the issue of shadowy types should appear on textbooks and be taught in classes about psychology and human relationships, since it accounts for almost half of anyone's meaningful life experiences and almost all the deep and crazy-ass love stories.


Not only have I experienced it myself, I've observed it in others too. It still wouldn't be right to call it anything but a theory until a more formalized, empirical test is conducted, but my own research shows this theory to be quite applicable to most relationships. I mentioned it once in an earlier thread: the reason why Chinese silk and other goods were so valuable in the West was because they were extremely exotic compared to what they were used to. History has shown that civilizations tend to glorify those that are almost exactly the opposite of them - at least until they start interacting, then when they realize that overcoming their differences is too much of a hassle, they start viewing each other negatively.

You can apply that logic to individuals of nearly any culture. It just seems more natural to be attracted to someone almost completely different from yourself. When that happens, either the differences are mended, or - more often than not - the relationship(s) fall apart. When using MBTI, you'll also see this theory in practice especially among those that aren't familiar with the specifics of Jungian functional theory. I've had too many experiences of people being attracted especially to those with their shadow functions as dominant functions (for example, INTJs - Se-inferiors - swarming to ESxPs - Se-doms; I've also noticed Fe-inferior INTPs going after Fe-dominant ExFJs).

I was an oddball, because I would either go after Si-doms (ISxJs) or Fi-doms (IxFPs), the latter of which seemed to come from nowhere. To be fair, I personally find relationships of 'mirror' to be the best. This basically means someone with all your shadow functions in the same general order as your conscious functions - i.e. me with Ne-dominant, them with Ni-dominant; me with Ti-auxiliary, them with Te-auxiliary, etc. We tend to have a similar focus, which is more important to me than just thinking alike. At least when we have the same focus and same general N-T functions, I find it easy to work with them. The same can be said for me and INTPs. Don't know if this is true for anyone else though, but those were my own observations.


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## .17485

I liked a girl who I think is my shadow. I put a picture of her on typewatch forum. I guessed her to be an ISFJ. One person from the typewatch thread also guessed her to be XSFJ. She liked me and I like her. We would text each other all the time and used to speak on instant messenger. We had similarity because we are both introverted. We didn't have any problems in the beginning. We went to the cinema once and she came to my uni dorm a few times. She had a boyfriend at the time. I shouldn't have gotten too deep with her realising she had a boyfriend. I think she also was leading me one. I really got annoyed when she was texting to me another guy she liked. After that I was just ignoring her and giving her the silent treatment. She would try to ask if everything is ok, but I would just pretend not to listen. Lol childish and immature. She was nice to talk her as a friend. She was the first girl I kissed and I liked it. I don't know if I've had another crush on my shadow functions.


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## Entropic

I was immediately thinking about socionics here which delves much deeper into this in a way the MBTI does not. In socionics intertype relationships are integral when figuring out one's type. I for example notice a tendency where I seem to get along the best with types who have these functions: Ne, Fi, Te and Si. There's definitely a strong tendency where I seem to fall for Fi men, but after investigating my socionics type it turns out that I am a possible EII or in other words the socionics version of INFP. I've alslo found out that I had a very strong relationship with a person who is possible my semi-dual, meaning LIE or MBTI ENTJ. 

I don't think this works in every instance and I think enneagram plays a large role, but I found it all rather interesting.


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## Traum

using this article: Cognitive Functions | The Technikal Mind I figured out that my "shadows" would be ENFJ, INFJ, ESTP, and ISTP, I think.

Now, not to sound close-minded, but I could never date a sensor. I can have sensors as friends, but only very limitedly... it's just not the kind of person I get along with; they have an entirely different way of seeing things, a way that is much too concrete and solid to me... anyway, a sensor wouldn't work for me.

I am _very _introverted, and I have a hard time dealing with extroverts. They just overwhelm me and make me feel scared (I am also socially anxious), so I couldn't date an extrovert.

I always said I'd never date a thinker. That being said, I fell in love and loved someone I thought to be a thinker. He was sweet though, so that's why I dated him. That being said, we're still dating, but now we think he's an INFP rather than an INTP. So, a sweet thinker, I would date.

The only judging type I would date would be an INFJ (since I won't date E or S, and INTJ is just not the right type for me (I have some INTJ friends, but they're too rigid for me)).


So, the only MBTI types I would date are INFP, INTP (maybe) or INFJ.

I'm actually engaged to the INfP so I won't be dating anyone else, but yeah... I have a hard time understanding shadow function. I also have an ISTJ cousin who says he won't date feelers, and he doesn't like feelers at all (except me haha). I couldn't imagine dating an ESTP, you know? not that I have anything against certain types, but doesn't ESTP and INFP seem incompatible?


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## TreeBob

Traum said:


> using this article: Cognitive Functions | The Technikal Mind I figured out that my "shadows" would be ENFJ, INFJ, ESTP, and ISTP, I think.
> 
> Now, not to sound close-minded, but I could never date a sensor. I can have sensors as friends, but only very limitedly... it's just not the kind of person I get along with; they have an entirely different way of seeing things, a way that is much too concrete and solid to me... anyway, a sensor wouldn't work for me.
> 
> I am _very _introverted, and I have a hard time dealing with extroverts. They just overwhelm me and make me feel scared (I am also socially anxious), so I couldn't date an extrovert.
> 
> I always said I'd never date a thinker. That being said, I fell in love and loved someone I thought to be a thinker. He was sweet though, so that's why I dated him. That being said, we're still dating, but now we think he's an INFP rather than an INTP. So, a sweet thinker, I would date.
> 
> The only judging type I would date would be an INFJ (since I won't date E or S, and INTJ is just not the right type for me (I have some INTJ friends, but they're too rigid for me)).
> 
> 
> So, the only MBTI types I would date are INFP, INTP (maybe) or INFJ.
> 
> I'm actually engaged to the INfP so I won't be dating anyone else, but yeah... I have a hard time understanding shadow function. I also have an ISTJ cousin who says he won't date feelers, and he doesn't like feelers at all (except me haha). I couldn't imagine dating an ESTP, you know? not that I have anything against certain types, but doesn't ESTP and INFP seem incompatible?


Excellent advertising you are doing there. Quoting your own articles? Anyway, I listed all your shadow types on my first post of this thread.

Oh and I dated an INFP and it worked out great.


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## Traum

TreeBob said:


> Excellent advertising you are doing there. Quoting your own articles? Anyway, I listed all your shadow types on my first post of this thread.
> 
> Oh and I dated an INFP and it worked out great.


Not actually my articles; just someone's blog I read.

And you did? That would have saved me some time.

Anyway, I guess it _can _work, but I just don't see it working for me, you know? The concept is interesting though.


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## TreeBob

Traum said:


> Not actually my articles; just someone's blog I read.
> 
> And you did? That would have saved me some time.
> 
> Anyway, I guess it _can _work, but I just don't see it working for me, you know? The concept is interesting though.


actually I take it back. Seems my original attachment has disappeared on me. I will try and find it it and paste it into the original post.


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## emberwing

So apparently my shadows are ENFJ, INFJ, ISTP, and ESTP

Well I can freely say that xSTP's confuse me to no end, but I like them. The ESTP I am friends with is like an engima wrapped in a mystery coated with teflon and she's just as confused about me as I am by her as far as I can tell. We both kind of confuse but admire each other and it's a WEIRD interaction, but it's really neat and she's a great person.
I rather suspect one of my best friends was INFJ and I originally mistyped as ENFJ (mind you I was literally only 1% over the E and J)

EDIT: Thinking back on crushes, I believe I've had signifigant ones over the years on an ISTP, an ENFJ, and at LEAST one INFJ, if not two. Huh.


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## Traum

TreeBob said:


> actually I take it back. Seems my original attachment has disappeared on me. I will try and find it it and paste it into the original post.


You know, further thinking on it...

I have two close ESTJ friends. I'd not date them, but like, I can see why I might like ESTJs sometimes. Not had much personal experience with ESTPs, I guess. 

And come to think of it, one of those ESTJ friends of mine is married to another close friend of mine, an INFJ. Isn't that a shadow?


----------



## TreeBob

Traum said:


> You know, further thinking on it...
> 
> I have two close ESTJ friends. I'd not date them, but like, I can see why I might like ESTJs sometimes. Not had much personal experience with ESTPs, I guess.
> 
> And come to think of it, one of those ESTJ friends of mine is married to another close friend of mine, an INFJ. Isn't that a shadow?


Yeah NFJ match with STJ and NFP

NFJ and STP share the same functions.


----------



## mental blockstack

Verdant Hollow said:


> The theory is interesting, but I don't think it works just right for me. I haven't been in a lot of relationships though, so maybe that's the problem
> 
> As an NTP I never find myself romantically interested in NTJs or SFPs.
> 
> While I like NTJs as friends, I have never found myself attracted to the personality of any NTJ female I know. I'd find NTJs too bull-headed in a relationships. That Te grinds me personally, maybe other ENTPs feel differently.
> 
> SFPs are just too foreign to me. We can entertain each other for a bit. I only have one close SFP friend, and it took over 10 years to get close to them.
> 
> I find myself interested in NTPs, NFPs, and INFJs. NTPs and NFPs have that Ne connection that's so strong. That's not really the case with INFJs, but I find that the strong N backed up with Ti works. You need a mature ENTP with a developed Fe, otherwise they'll grate the INFJ.


I'm actually almost completely the same. Sometimes INTP girls are a little too much like...just walking into a library for me, though


----------



## nameused

So, as an INFP, my shadows according to Beebe would be xNFJ's and xSTP's? 

I can't say I've had the same experience with my shadows as you have. I am ruling out xNFJ's completely, but I think there may have been a few STP's I was infatuated with. I am definitely attracted to T-types, especially NT's, but I also like STP's. I think there's too great of a level of distrust, sadly, between STP's and me. I think I just feel like I annoy them, and they have little patience for the nerdy things I love. They do, however, make great friends.


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## JungyesMBTIno

I kind of think going the shadow route is not always the best idea, because it's probably going to result in a lot of shadow projections, where what the intentions of the partner seemed at first tend to be deceiving. I mean, I tend to see "complements" mentioned a lot, and frankly, unless you really just need help around the inferior, you're probably always going to feel inferior around your partner (because inferiority complexes cluster around there).


----------



## JungyesMBTIno

I mean, I don't think anyone really deserves to feel like what they stand for doesn't exist or doesn't hold much merit, and in most cases, that's probably going to be the case with shadow pairings - you'll get the sensor and the intuitive who just can't really hold a conversation without the other interjecting giggles about what "nonsense" the other is speaking and vice-versa (unless you have two very mature people around their inferiors, I wouldn't recommend it - you'll always feel like you're on your own). If you've been misunderstood by complements or opposites your whole life with parents, I really don't think you owe more of this to yourself - your better off divulging your "soul" to someone of your own type (I mean, same inferiors got to make an effective pairing if they can both be open with each other about their similarities there, rather than subject to the person with it as a dominant thinking you're some kind of freak of nature), or someone with your auxiliaries. Of course, maturity is key, but I don't think it's immature not to want to have to deal with your complement if you're used to being misunderstood by them


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## JungyesMBTIno

I think what happens with shadow pairings is, at first, one might see them as ideal just because they're looking for understanding, but then, they might melt into a lot of misunderstandings or just having nothing in common with the other person - I do think they can work, but from experience, I really have a low fuse for inferior intuitives who don't really see intuition as real - it's like, hey, why bother asserting your views on them at all? I think most intuitives are used to feeling like they don't exist in a sensation dominated country like the U.S. I can deal with ISTJs (same judgement), but the rest are often more hit/miss for me (relationships, friendships, you name it) - the more mature ones tend to be near middle age.


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## Kizuna

JungyesMBTIno said:


> I think what happens with shadow pairings is, at first, one might see them as ideal just because they're looking for understanding, but then, they might melt into a lot of misunderstandings or just having nothing in common with the other person - I do think they can work, but from experience, I really have a low fuse for inferior intuitives who don't really see intuition as real - it's like, hey, why bother asserting your views on them at all? I think most intuitives are used to feeling like they don't exist in a sensation dominated country like the U.S. I can deal with ISTJs (same judgement), but the rest are often more hit/miss for me (relationships, friendships, you name it) - the more mature ones tend to be near middle age.


I agree, albeit with some bitterness)) I see the point of the OP describing the ATTRACTION to the shadow types, it fits me 100%. But the thing is, it just stays an attraction on an unconscious level, not mutual understanding and NEVER any satisfactory communication. I would even say the whole attraction is entirely based on instincts of the primitive brain. I like ISFPs for their tenderness and sensuality, I like ENTJs for their ability to protect me. Both are incredibly attractive to me, in a way I can't describe, it's like a drive, an infatuation, a fascination. Alas! these things rarely are there to stay and make you truly happy (unless you're borderline S/N or T/F).

In the long run, I can't really verbally communicate with SFPs, and I find NTJs too set in their own ways and unwilling to consider what I have to say out of grandiosity complexes. I only mean those I personally had to deal with and liked, this is not meant to be a generalization.

Still, I'm attracted to these two types, plus ISTP, like a desperate moth to the light. roud:


----------



## EmpireConquered

Nope, so far no SFJs.


----------



## JungyesMBTIno

Believe it or not, people, I JUST read in this wonderful book of Jung interviews, entitled, "Speaking," that Jung discreetly said that Se dom and Ni dom marriage pairings are the worst imagineable, because Se doms are extremely removed from inner experiences, while Ni doms are the most in tune with these, so you get the introverted intuitive type always trying to escape every definite situation possible, while the Se doms basically merge with every situation as a fact. Here is how the passage reads (Jung, Pg. 312):



> If you have to explain an introverted intuitive husband to an extravert wife it is a most painstaking affair, because, you see, an extraverted sensation type is the furthest away from inner experiences and the rational functions. She adapts and behaves according to the facts as they are, and she is always caught by those facts. She, herself, is those facts. But if the introvert is intuitive, to him that is hell, because as soon as he is in a definite situation he tries to find a hole where he can get out. Every given situation is just the worst that can happen to him. He is pinched and he feels caught, suffocated, chained. He must break free those fetters because he is the man who will discover a new field, and as soon as the young plants are coming up, he's finished, he's done, he's no more interested. He is all right, and others will reap what he has sown. When those two marry each other, there is trouble, I assure you.


Those trying to "be the other" is bound to be a disaster as well (it's like jumping universes). Bad extraverted sensation is probably pretty painfully obvious.


----------



## All in Twilight

Jung was a smart motherfucker. But what about Ne dom and Si dom? Can we apply the same principle? That bitch trying to hold me back all the time would drive me cray eventually.


----------



## Old Intern

JungyesMBTIno said:


> Believe it or not, people, I JUST read in this wonderful book of Jung interviews, entitled, "Speaking," that Jung discreetly said that Se dom and Ni dom marriage pairings are the worst imagineable, because Se doms are extremely removed from inner experiences, while Ni doms are the most in tune with these, so you get the introverted intuitive type always trying to escape every definite situation possible, while the Se doms basically merge with every situation as a fact. Here is how the passage reads (Jung, Pg. 312):
> 
> 
> 
> Those trying to "be the other" is bound to be a disaster as well (it's like jumping universes). Bad extraverted sensation is probably pretty painfully obvious.


The excerpted description of Ni sounds a lot like Ne, in the sense of the new field, plants, and moving on to new discoveries. *I dated an ISTJ*. At first it seemed right because the life experiences that he collected and valued (using Si) , seemed so comparable at first; he was raised to appreciate knowledge and art. Didn't know Si Dom was anything when we met and dated. . . . . But it does end up being hell, in a way. Someone's idea of being safe and normal is like death.

Also, when someone thinks your idea is BS, until they have the same thought confirmed to them by someone in "authority"? I couldn't take it anymore.


----------



## msg_v2

Curious. I just realized that I have a history of dating peope who have my shadow functions as a dominant function. I've dated both Fi (INFP) doms, and Se doms (ESFP)..

And there were a lot of communication issues. Especially with the ESFP.


----------



## quixoticcrush

I don't know if this belong here but I was just wandering something. 

I have a close ESFP family member and with me being an INFJ we have opposite Dom and Interior functions. While I have Dom Ni she has Inferior Ni, and while her Dom is Se, my Inferior is Se. I notice that when we are together, just the two of us alone, we have a lot of fun. We tend to laugh at things and we don't even know what we're laughing at. We can look at each other and know what the other is thinking. I tend to be more hedonistic when I'm around her too. I tend to do things I normally wouldn't do, like drink, socialize with complete strangers, and have one night stands:blushed:. Is this because we bring out the Inferior functions in each other, since our Doms are each other Inferiors?


----------



## Old Intern

quixoticcrush said:


> I don't know if this belong here but I was just wandering something.
> 
> I have a close ESFP family member and with me being an INFJ we have opposite Dom and Interior functions. While I have Dom Ni she has Inferior Ni, and while her Dom is Se, my Inferior is Se. I notice that when we are together, just the two of us alone, we have a lot of fun. We tend to laugh at things and we don't even know what we're laughing at. We can look at each other and know what the other is thinking. I tend to be more hedonistic when I'm around her too. I tend to do things I normally wouldn't do, like drink, socialize with complete strangers, and have one night stands:blushed:. Is this because we bring out the Inferior functions in each other, since our Doms are each other Inferiors?


I definitely think that at least for a while, it seems like the other person balances you.
What I truely do not know, what is it that makes the difference between the couples who actually do work as a team for the long haul vs the opposites who end up being broken, smaller, weaker versions of themselves by staying together?


----------



## Melfina

TreeBob said:


> ESTP has the functions Se Ti Fe Ni and the shadow are Si Te Fi Ne. While checking out the cognitive functions I was quite shocked at what I found. The four types that use the ESTP shadow functions were ESTJ, ISTJ, INFP and ENFP.


AHHHH! In retrospect I thought this was going to be a short response and ended up tackling more than I cared to mull over and edit...goodluck. :3

I found this very interesting, and even more so because as a female INFJ I'd be attracted to the same but flipped types as you-ESTP (if I'm understanding the chart correctly). My main functions are Ni, Fe, Ti, Se and shadow are Ne, Fi, Te, Si. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to type all the people I've dated over the years, but I can share what I know. 

Over the past 5-6 years, I've been in 4 relationships.The first was an INTJ (100% sure - functions: Ni/Te/Fi/Se). Now, to be honest, we tried to pursue a stable relationship, but with drama, college, and lack of maturity on both sides...we just couldn't handle what we had going. We felt highly connected, more so than either of us had to anyone yet in life. (probably the Ni dominance) When we first met and realized a budding attraction, he dumped his girlfriend of 3 years without hesitation and against my initial wishes. We could talk for hours, and had a type of "steamy intellectual affection". While I was very mentally enticed and woo'd into a sense of security behind this mastermind...it just wasn't enough to actually reach my heart. The relationship felt like a clockwork toy that we were both fascinated by, but hesitant in linking our hearts too...well, at least I was hesitant. Of course, this was enough to break it off. I cried every other night, felt like I was done with life, depressed, and suicidal for about 2 months. (yes, even though I was the one to leave  ) This one took me years to actually get over even though we were only together for 3 months. I still find INTJ's very enticing, but also know that for me, it's only mentally stimulating. Sorry, Gandalf.

The second was an ESTJ (75% sure...he was borderline N/S - functions: Te/Si/Ne/Fi). If I could sum it up, we were best at relaxing. It was a very calm, unstructured, almost vacation-like relationship. He was for the most part stable and rarely stressed. Over time however I could tell he had modes. As long as he was in "his zone" (had something on TV, had his laptop next to him, had snack food near by, etc.) he was carefree and the person I found myself hoping to "unlock" and "really get to know". What I didn't realize was...this WAS the person - as open and personable as possible. (Looking back, I think the 4th Fi function was what I was searching for.) He was completely comfortable seemingly with or without me. That was irksome, and resulted in me reaching harder to try to shake his heart awake. He wasn't a fan. Some days he could handle affection, other days he would tell me to just leave him alone and sit on the other couch. He greatly desired a peaceful stasis in life...even in love. Now, don't get me wrong, as an INFJ, I crave peace and harmony too...but more so to have a safe environment to then turn around and recklessly play in. This guy just didn't really know how to enjoy or trust people. Even so, I did reach a place during our 2 years together where I was comfortable giving up the search and considering marriage. But then when push came to shove and he did asked me to marry him, I had to say no. The relationship took maybe 3 months to fully move on from...it dwindled slowly and then became awkward and we mutually realized it just wasn't going to work.

Third was an INFP (100% sure - functions: Fi/Ne/Si/Te). Now, here's where it starts getting nit-picky for even an INFJ. This guy surprisingly fit all the lists I had. He was intelligent, funny/witty, kind, sociable...a musician, a christian, a better cook than me (not saying much >.>), all around he should have been perfect according to all my standards. I even enjoyed his family. We were in the end however kind of like those 2nd rate couples you meet. (I'm so needlessly judgmental...sorry -_-) But every once in a while I'll be hanging around certain couples where I sense..."oh, well there's nothing wrong with them really...I mean, they get along fine...but jeez, where's the spice?!" Yeah, it was like that. We could agree peacefully on most things, had lots of friends and family to enjoy, could set goals and work through issues fairly well...I was depressed every other week though. I found myself ripping him to shreds in my mind...though I'd rarely actually say or do anything. I mean, how could I be so upset and unhappy with practically the nicest guy I'd ever met? Well, I was; and that was that. Even so, I had built up enough arguments in my head to keep me in the relationship for 2 years and get within a month of him buying a ring. By the time I realized it wasn't going to work, I couldn't seem to break up with him fast enough. The only reason it took as long as it did was because I felt guilty over him not seeing it coming. :/ With this relationship, I can't give a good reason why it failed, other than that I would soon realize I was deeply in love with someone else...

4th- During all these other ventures into relationships, I had one INFP (borderline T/F) best friend who waited near endlessly for me...and by all means he wrote the book on long-suffering. How can real, sincere, honest love be sitting right under an INFJ's nose for years and them not see it...I don't f*ing know. I look back and only feel like a blind train wreck of confusion and heartbreak. But let me tell you...there's nothing better than knowing you're in love except finally realizing that you're being loved by that same person. For most of my life if I'd been asked if there was one person out there for me...I'd have said definitively "no". I had come to the sad "realization" that it was just whoever I chose...which was pretty much the equivalent of closing your eyes and rolling dice. :/ But gosh...I was so incredibly wrong! To be completely honest, even with all my many, many...MANY mistakes and reasons to implode and feel like a failure and an idiot...I didn't give a sh*t!! I swallowed my pride, turned my ass around and told him how I felt...that I was insecure, never going to be good enough, probably always going to have glaring imperfections, etc...but that I wasn't going to let myself stand in the way of figuring us out anymore. If he was going to stand by me and tell me he loved me for the better part of 4 years...it was past due for me to start listening.
Now before people start to assume it was all rainbows and butterflies at that point...it wasn't a movie. There were a lot of kinks to work out. Mixed feelings, regret, and disbelief were a weekly and sometimes daily struggle. We both had a lot to deal with, and in many ways still do; but when we are with each other we know there is a living, active love between us and it's worth weeding through the painful memories, hurt feelings, and discouraging weak points.​
Sorry, I think I drifted a bit ^.~ what's my point...my point is that for me, in relation to shadow function attraction, as an INFJ, I found my soulmate INFP to be consistent with this theory. He's very sporadic-crazy and chaotic on the outside, and whimsically-beautiful and passionate on the inside. The dance that we do back and forth between Ni/Fe and Fi/Ne...gosh, when we're both in our element it's like magic.

But, in my opinion, this shadow function attraction does and doesn't seem sufficient enough to warrant it as solid advice. I was MOST love-stricken and saddened by the loss of an Ni dominant function sharing relationship (INTJ)...and ultimately felt poorly matched with BOTH the variant shadow function ESTJ and INFP relationships. However, I'm now in a committed, happy, and loving relationship with an INFP. <3 So, here's some theories:
"Not Alone" Ni Theory:
I still to this day don't understand why I took the INTJ break up so badly. One idea was my past. Growing up I was very starved from interaction with other INxx's. Most of the time I felt very alone, misunderstood, and chided for dreaming of the possibilities and connections throughout the world/universe. While I'd been in previous relations to this one...I honestly don't know if ANY of them were INxx's or even xNFx's. So, I would bet that this was the first guy I believed not only understood me, but thought and envisioned the world in a similar way himself...and that I was attracted to. It wasn't quite like looking in a mirror...but a lot like finding your same species for the first time. I imagine leaving it would heavily depress anyone in a similar situation.

Faulty first INFP Theory:
It's quite likely that the fist infp was actually unhealthy and functioning out of his own shadow (Fe/Ni/Se/Ti) which would be consistent with why I mentally ridiculed him so often. It was as if he were trying to act like my younger brother irl (an ENFJ - functions: Fe/Ni/Se/Ti) and a "weaker" version of my own 2 dominant functions flipped. If you've ever heard of "personality vampirism"...this would seem to fit logically considering expression of myself is through my second function, but inadvertently he would see it as my dominant...latently picking up the Ni and tacking it on. Why would he be doing this? Well any number of reasons. I was older than him by 2 years...it's possible he looked up to me. We shared a lot of graphic design classes in college and I was usually overly praised for good work - he could have picked up on that and in wanting to do better, tried to emulate me. He also came from a broken home, so instability could have encouraged modes of using his shadow more often. Who knows :/

Preferred Shadow Dominance Theory:
So, what about the ESTJ? Well, it's tougher because he really wasn't a fan of my prodding on mbti...but if I compare his version of my shadow - Te/Si/Ne/Fi with my darling INFP's version of my shadow - Fi/Ne/Si/Te...it would seem I prefer someone who shares similar dominant functions. The way we express feelings and insight is very conducive to each other's way of receiving and processing that same information...possibly why we're technically "Compliments". I've wondered since many times why on earth I was ever attracted to him being a Te/Si dom...and looking back, it was honestly more of a rebound relationship to begin with. Crushed over the loss of my Ni fondness, I stopped caring and trusting myself as much...and trusted the next person to cross my path that seemed to know what life was solidly and literally all about...Te/Si. It seemed stable, safe and less scary than being overly invested and real with someone...sad but true.
It's also arguable that preference could be determined by relative type health and nurture...I was raised with all J's...and my mom was an ESTJ and dad an ISTJ...I feel safe at home, but also loath it because I really don't connect on any significant base level with it. So, I imagine other INFJ's could find reasons to be both content and fulfilled in relationships with ESTJ's (and other types), but it's not best for me.​

It would seem that love isn't ultimately a science or an art...it is if both, still incomparable and only truly defined by itself.


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## WickerDeer

I haven't read through this thread (I didn't even know it existed! How exciting!), and IDK if there is a better place to ask this--but I am mostly interested in the animus/anima complex and the shadow complex right now--and also active imagination. What is the best Jung book I can get about this (or other book that includes Jung's writing on it)?


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## wolvent42

My Ni enjoys Ne.


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## Carmine Ermine

The woman I've felt most attracted to is an ISTJ (shadow functions), because she had a totally different/opposite perspective on life and I was really curious. I'm not sure she felt the same way about ESTPs though.

I've found that what's more obvious for me is SFPs and NTJs make the best friends. Maybe types that have the same perceving functions but shadow judging functions make the best friends.


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## ToplessOrange

TreeBob said:


> While having lunch with my co-worker the other day the topic of cognitive functions came up. Eventually we started discussing the shadow functions that have been popularized by John Beebe. I have been intrigued in general by cognitive functions and have looked into them a bit more for the last few months. Studying a persons cognitive functions says a lot more about them then their MBTI does. While they are both related, the cognitive better explains why people get the percentages of each letter they get. Near the end of the meal I started thinking about what types shared my shadows but as their four main functions. What i found was quite interesting.
> 
> ESTP has the functions Se Ti Fe Ni and the shadow are Si Te Fi Ne. While checking out the cognitive functions I was quite shocked at what I found. The four types that use the ESTP shadow functions were ESTJ, ISTJ, INFP and ENFP. The commonality you see is STJ and NFP. This significance for me was nothing short of profound. I have had three women who I can say I have been truly in love with in my 36 years. My ex-wife who is an ENFP and two girls after the marriage (ESTJ and INFP). The only one lacking is an ISTJ, but I did meet one and I admit to having strong desires for her. Given time it too might have blossomed into more deep relation. Could this be a coincidence? I really have a hard time thinking it is. My relationships with these women went beyond mere infatuation and sexual attraction. I still think of all four even now.
> 
> So this brings up a few questions. First and foremost; is this just a fluke? Would the relationships really last or is it a fleeting infatuation. Can I date other MBTI types and really love them as much and in the same way? To really prove this theory correct I need more data and that means you! In order to do this correctly though you will need to tell me the people you love and their types. If they have not taken the test then please ask them to take it. No guessing! I can say my ex-wife falls into three of hers just as I did. She (ENFP) has loved an ESTP (me), ISTP and INFJ.
> 
> Remember this is a theory and most important I am not saying you can't love any MBTI type no matter what type you are. I am just pointing out (For better or worse) that I am attracted to my shadows. I truly believe of the 4 shadow mates I would be best off with ESTJ and ISTJ purely due to the sensing. That said there is no doubting the powerful draw I have to all four types. To help you all out I created a handy chart to connect you to your possible "soul mates".


Um, hey, so like I totally stole this I think by accident before I saw it through time travel or something and like it's right here and like I'ma be famous and take all the credit since I figured your stuff is my stuff and my stuff is your stuff because we're like best friends, right?

So, yeah like I was all, like, saying, you know, I'ma, like, you know, totally use this to make this guy leave me alone because he keeps following me and I don't even like him that much but he's, like, obsessed with me or whatever, so when I tell him to leave me alone he thinks I'm just playing hard to get and I don't even do that with anyone, like, what does he think like he's special or something? Ya, I know, like, he's just so lame and he's such a tool, but ya, I'll totally give it back and whatever and we'll be famous and maybe make out or something because I've always been a bit curious but if you're not okay with that, that's totes cool or whatever okay, ciao!


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## gwho

if you pair by the four conscious functions in opposite order, rather than shadows, then you have socionics theory of best matches: duals.

(INTJ)
Ni Te Fi Se
with
Se Fi Te Ni
(ESFP)

Shadows are too distant. they don't value each other. they get on each others' nerves. they don't "get" the other person.

I too found that I was attracted to my shadow and shadow's mirror (i.e. ISTJ and ESTJ) on superficial levels. they really do tend to have this confidence, and prowess about them. they are also in tune with taking care of their looks so that always helps. SJs at their best are warm, confident, and expressive. INTJ want someone they can look up to. That's the part that is probably being piqued in my case. the extraversion and warmness is something the INTJ lack as well, and seek to balance in their lives. so perhaps my attraction to ESTJ is really just hitting close to the ESFP.

why duals are the best 
http://www.socionics.us/practice/duality.shtml



*by far the best explanation on all 8 cog funcs without getting into specific examples (which is quite a feat imo)

This article is based on socionics, so i will provide a translation.
http://personalitycafe.com/socionics-forum/114854-model-socionics-cognitive-function-model.html

The following is a key to "convert" socionics functions labeled 1-8 in the article to typical order of the MBTI cog funcs labeled 1-8

MBTI | Socionics
1 -> 1
2 -> 2
3 -> 6
4 -> 5
5 -> 7
6 -> 8
7 -> 4
8 -> 3


MBTI | Socionics
1 Ti 1
2 Ne 2
3 Si 6
4 Fe 5
5 Te 7
6 Ni 8
7 Se 4
8 Fi 3*


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## Karma Butterfly

You know I've been having discussions and arguments about shadow types for weeks now, but I still don't trust this theory.

Every men I have liked or been attracted to has been ISFJ or to a lesser extent, INFJ. And in a couple of ocasions I've felt superficial attraction for INFPs.

According to the shadow theory, I'd have to be a different type for to explain my love for ISFJs. And I have yet to meet a TJ I'd like to have a very close relationship with.

I do find it very interesting how it seems to work every time for some people though, to a point where it can be undeniably about MBTI type.


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## Karma Butterfly

Double post.


----------



## gwho

Dancing_Queen said:


> You know I've been having discussions and arguments about shadow types for weeks now, but I still don't trust this theory.
> 
> Every men I have liked or been attracted to has been ISFJ or to a lesser extent, INFJ. And in a couple of ocasions I've felt superficial attraction for INFPs.
> 
> According to the shadow theory, I'd have to be a different type for to explain my love for ISFJs. And I have yet to meet a TJ I'd like to have a very close relationship with.
> 
> I do find it very interesting how it seems to work every time for some people though, to a point where it can be undeniably about MBTI type.


I too find myself attracted to ESTJ and ISTJ. But once I get talking to them more, I see a lot of incompatibility. I think the best way to test the idea of duals is to meet a lot of duals and feel out the interaction statistically, over larger sample sizes. You're bound to get immature ones, those who don't appreciate their duals (if this theory is valid at all), but ultimately what it comes down to is if you find the pleasure of interaction much higher, as well as finding interaction more pleasant over a higher percentage of the duals you meet vs other types.

I know how to figure all this out, apparently, but I just don't meet people in that way. =/ Gotta leverage friends to meet their friends....


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## INFPLeadership

Very interesting thread


----------



## ENTrePreneur

I've had crushes before....only one really sticks out to me..(possibly cuz I'm still in it) this INFJ.....for the past four years....and I've done some pretty insane things about it..including telling her....and my love is still unrequited....


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## Deftodon

Dancing_Queen said:


> You know I've been having discussions and arguments about shadow types for weeks now, but I still don't trust this theory.
> 
> Every men I have liked or been attracted to has been ISFJ or to a lesser extent, INFJ. And in a couple of ocasions I've felt superficial attraction for INFPs.
> 
> According to the shadow theory, I'd have to be a different type for to explain my love for ISFJs. And I have yet to meet a TJ I'd like to have a very close relationship with.
> 
> I do find it very interesting how it seems to work every time for some people though, to a point where it can be undeniably about MBTI type.



But TJ isn't FP shadow. Read the OP again.


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## danicx

I'm married to my shadow type!

ENTP + ESFP

His 8 functions are mine backwards.

ENTP: *Ne Ti* Fe Si | _Ni Te Fi Se 
_ESFP: *Se Fi* Te Ni | _Si Fe Ti Ne_

It's pretty cool, we really feel like we complete each other and in MB terms that makes a lot of sense.


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## Karma Butterfly

While I used to think I was an ENFP this theory seemed bogus to me because I have never felt attraction to STPs. I've always liked ISFJs almost exclusively since an early age, I think I even wrote a post on that months ago.

I commented on my no attraction to TJs and @Deftodon thought I meant they were my shadow. I actually meant nothing by that, but judging from my results in the latest tests, it's more like it's _my _type.


----------



## Tranquility

I've had an ENTP and an ENFP become infatuated with me with no effort on my end. It saddens me as they are both wonderful people, but I don't really feel anything special between us.


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## IdealisticAnimal

Well, speaking for myself, it's not unlikely. I've tested INFJ a dozen times now and I suspect my partner to be ISTJ. We have been together for almost 7 years now. Sometimes negotiating our different point of views is exhausting but knowing where it derives from makes it easier for me to just leave it there. I wouldn't claim that I'm most attracted to my shadow functions though. I'm attracted to him, and it happens that he's just totally different in his cognitive approach to the world. But that doesn't mean we don't share some significant similarities in who we are and what we love.


----------



## bgoodforgoodsake

All the people I've fallen head over heals for have been SFJ and NTP and ESFJ usually, I guess that's why they say it's a thin line between love and hate. Not that ESFJ's are bad people, but if I am in a bad mood I can bring out the worst in them and vice versa.

But with INTP it's just like really comfortable... I don't know...


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## Kingdom Crusader

I'm an INTP (Ti-Ne-Si-Fe).

My exes were ESFJ, ISFJ, and ESTP. SFJs share all the same functions as me and ESTPs share two of mine. So I've never been with anyone with my shadow functions, Te-Ni-Se-Fi.

I can't see myself being attracted to SFPs; it's never happened. As far as NTJs go, I don't find myself drawn to INTJs, but I have attracted ENTJs. But I've never been in a relationship with one. 

The only ones I can see myself with in the future are ENTPs (Ne-Ti-Fe-Si) and possibly ENTJ (Te-Ni-Se-Fi). So the only one with my shadow functions that could be a possibility is ENTJ.


----------



## Zoekucing

TreeBob said:


> While having lunch with my co-worker the other day the topic of cognitive functions came up. Eventually we started discussing the shadow functions that have been popularized by John Beebe. I have been intrigued in general by cognitive functions and have looked into them a bit more for the last few months. Studying a persons cognitive functions says a lot more about them then their MBTI does. While they are both related, the cognitive better explains why people get the percentages of each letter they get. Near the end of the meal I started thinking about what types shared my shadows but as their four main functions. What i found was quite interesting.
> 
> ESTP has the functions Se Ti Fe Ni and the shadow are Si Te Fi Ne. While checking out the cognitive functions I was quite shocked at what I found. The four types that use the ESTP shadow functions were ESTJ, ISTJ, INFP and ENFP. The commonality you see is STJ and NFP. This significance for me was nothing short of profound. I have had three women who I can say I have been truly in love with in my 36 years. My ex-wife who is an ENFP and two girls after the marriage (ESTJ and INFP). The only one lacking is an ISTJ, but I did meet one and I admit to having strong desires for her. Given time it too might have blossomed into more deep relation. Could this be a coincidence? I really have a hard time thinking it is. My relationships with these women went beyond mere infatuation and sexual attraction. I still think of all four even now.
> 
> So this brings up a few questions. First and foremost; is this just a fluke? Would the relationships really last or is it a fleeting infatuation. Can I date other MBTI types and really love them as much and in the same way? To really prove this theory correct I need more data and that means you! In order to do this correctly though you will need to tell me the people you love and their types. If they have not taken the test then please ask them to take it. No guessing! I can say my ex-wife falls into three of hers just as I did. She (ENFP) has loved an ESTP (me), ISTP and INFJ.
> 
> Remember this is a theory and most important I am not saying you can't love any MBTI type no matter what type you are. I am just pointing out (For better or worse) that I am attracted to my shadows. I truly believe of the 4 shadow mates I would be best off with ESTJ and ISTJ purely due to the sensing. That said there is no doubting the powerful draw I have to all four types. To help you all out I created a handy chart to connect you to your possible "soul mates".


Hi! Thank you so much for this thread and theory you have! I actually thought that ESTPs didn't really fancy theories etc. haha
Nonetheless, this is really interesting. Here's my take. 

As an ENFP, my cognitive functions are naturally the total opposite of an ESTP's (Ne Fi Te Si). I have a really close friend who is an ESTP and I think I am very attracted to him. I'm very sure I love him and he is one of the top five people I care for the most. He could definitely break me and hurt me very deeply if he wanted to. I'm not sure if I love him in a romantic kind of way, but even if that were so, I wouldn't be surprised. 
I think I'm very fascinated and intrigued by logical people (who usually have Ts in their MBTI personalities)

*The main things that attract me to my ESTP friend are that:

- He is so logical when I can't be. He can move on much easier than I can and doesn't overreact when relationships go wrong because he really doesn't care (unless they're very important people.)
- He is able to read microexpressions and come to conclusions very accurately most of the time. I on the other hand 'take pride' in being able to empathize with others and perceive their emotions, but am scared to 'judge' what they are feeling and am wrong more often than he is
- His extroverted sensing is so strong! As a person whose Se is the last of my shadow functions, I am terrible at absorbing the richness of my surroundings; nature - scenery, objects etc. Hence, although I'm constantly scanning my environment, it's always people-focused (not object-focused). It drains me so much when I try to enjoy outdoor experiences as much as SPs can, and I just can't. They are able to enjoy them so effortlessly! They make things sound so much more fun. My idea of fun is having deep conversations about relationships haha
- Since he is an STP, he's naturally amazing at fixing things. Electrical devices/appliances and the like are his forte. He helped me fix my phone before when the screen cracked and speaker was faulty! I've seen him with quadcopters and I am surprised at how some people can be so patient and fascinated with such 'boring flying pieces of metal and wood'. Any electrical appliances which go wrong stress me out haha
- Even though he is quite an extreme P, due to his Sensing preference (I'm assuming this) he still does what needs to be done. Whereas I just procrastinate everything 
- He has Ti. I admire people who have the Ti function because they are able to think clearly and say what is really necessary. I need to brain dump and often say and repeat things which makes me sound dumb many times lol
- He is very blunt with people, especially me.
- He automatically treats each person differently, according to how he assumes (or knows) they will react. Which means he tailors what he says very well, but he means what he says and it comes naturally. I on the other hand, sometimes find it hard to treat people differently. I would treat a sensitive female introvert with the same bluntness I would use on say, a strong male T who doesn't take it seriously if I were frank cause he doesn't care. (I think that may be due to my my strong values where I shouldn't be fake or sugarcoat my words). Even if I treat someone more gently, it's because I really feel that way. If I'm forced to because the person would be so easily hurt, I get really annoyed.
- He doesn't tell others everything he's feeling and has firm reasons for why he acts. I am easily swayed and persuaded to change my views and actions with enough proof or if I see someone is genuine. I also tend to show my emotions too much (even though I have Fi, I still prefer telling and showing others how I feel.)
- He seems so strong and doesn't seem to give 2 cents about what others think about him except if it dishonours God, but I care too much about being accepted or loved or appreciated by others.
*

The above explains why I'm attracted to the ESTP friend mainly because he views and does things so differently from me. He views things from a logical, practical point. Whereas I am always exploring random theories and narrow possibilities, over-perceiving things, 'overreacting to peoples' actions' (as he calls it) and viewing things from a relational perspective. 
Besides that, they can do things which I can't. ENFPs are generally able to grasp things quite fast if they put their mind to it. But some things like "inborn connections to electrical devices" just can't be taught hahaha.
Lastly, he is isn't a person who finds worth of pleasure in what others think of him and is firm in what he does, but I struggle with wanting to be accepted and care too much about what others think.

However, most of these factors also annoy and confuse me many a time. Because his actions and reasons are different from mine, we have debates (EXTREMELY OFTEN) and I usually end up giving in and following his way (probably cause I don't want big conflicts). When I try to persuade him to understand my point of view or at least do things my way, he almost never agrees because my decisions aren't as logical as his. And he doesn't care that I can sing better than him, or he doesn't feel left out if he can't do some things whereas I'm annoyed that I can't do many things including fixing stuff.


Overall, I feel that I find SPs interesting and cool because of their amazing, amazing, amazing Se. NTPs and STPs are people I usually feel very comfortable talking to and fascinate me. NTPs are great to talk to because they actually listen to my theories and ideas and have their own ones to present. People who have F in their MBTI personalities aren't as exciting or fascinating to me because I understand why they act most of the time and can predict what they will do. However, they're great because I can tell them my emotions and not be judged haha.
_SJs are good friends, but not people I can feel extremely comfortable with (from my experiences so far). Maybe because I generally feel more relaxed during spontaneous meets or at night, but SJs always need to get things done or sleep on time lol. 
Besides that, NFs are obviously people I can connect with. _

*Interesting note related to your theory! In our circle of friends, there is an INFJ whom I am very, very close to! Even though his primary processes are my shadows, we connect well and he understands me a lot. He may not always have the right words to say (due to Fe?) but you can see he is genuinely concerned and I love him! I thought it was an NF thing. Hm..*

As partners though, one lazy bum is enough! My mom, an ISTJ can't stand my laziness and procrastination. Hence if I were in a relationship with another Perceiver, it would probably mean havoc. 

I do hope that you are able to read this and perhaps it may help support your theory or be an avenue for discussion. I'm very interested as to why I'm so attracted to someone who has none of my primary functions as his primary functions (I might have just answered my on question. LOL).

Thanks heaps!


----------



## surgery

I'm INFP (Fi-Ne-Si-Te). My shadow-match would be ENFJ (Fe-Ni-Se-Ti).

As far as I can tell, I've never met any gay, bi or trans NFJ men. I am only acquainted with one straight ENFJ guy and a few INFJ females. They're all very nice, some are very intelligent and open-minded, which I find attractive. We get along well as friends. Yet, there's something about them all that's so "normal" that I find both appealing, yet infinitely perplexing and unattainable in myself. Hypothetically, I can't imagine that I'd successfully be able to date a guy who uses Fe. It basically comes down to the clash between Fi and Fe. I take everything very personally (in the regular sense of the word) and want to be able to act/live in accordance with my personal evaluations about things. Fe-types don't seem be like this. Their subjective, inner world is experienced through Intuition, so in one sense, they tend to be able to entertain complex, contrasting theories, but they don't _act_ from a highly independent place. I don't know how to describe it except that all the Fe types I know are endearingly, yet unattainably conventional. I doubt I would be able to give them the emotional, financial and social stability that they are probably looking. So, even if we were in a relationship, I would probably end up feeling like a little kid being babied by a well-meaning, but controlling parent. Like, if I wanted to wear something "non-gender conforming", they probably wouldn't like that. As friends, the NFJs I know don't mind, but as lovers, I don't think it would fly. *And that's the point: not only do NFJs not seem to act on their subjective feelings, it doesn't make them feel angry or rebellious when they can't.* But, for me, that's really where my "soul" is rooted. I take it personally that my subjective experience might be rejected by the norm, and sort of form an identity of an outsider or underdog from there.

As for Ti-types, again, I don't know many--male or female. Hypothetically, at least, I am sure that I could romantically do well with a INTP. As long is there is a genuinely physical attraction, I think Ne is common ground enough for us to have very productive conversations about Introverted Judgments. If anything, the differences in Thinking and Feeling would be refreshing. The only difficulty would really be inferior Fe vs. Te--how should we implement our theories in our personal lives? 

STPs, I'm going to say, are out of the question. I don't dislike Se/Ni, but these functions are way too context specific. I'm always trying to understand things in general patterns or in a global context and judge those ideas from a very personal standpoint. The impression I get from STPs is that they are very focused in having fun in the moment and don't make Feeling judgements until it concerns people who are close to them. Like their empathy doesn't extend to far beyond their friends or family. That's something that drives me up the wall on principle because universal compassion is a core value/ideal of mine. I remember hanging out with one ESTP guy before; it was sort of a date. I'm the person who can just be content to talk on a first date. I am enraptured by getting to know people's personal stories, ideas, hopes, motivations feelings. This guy on the other hand, while very open about somethings, we totally physically restless. That night we ended up trying to climb onto the roof of some of the buildings on campus and playing in a fountain in our underwear! Don't get me wrong, I had fun. He really brought out my Perceptive side. He said, "Wow, you're so passive. You'll do just about anything. Most people say no to my ideas", to which I responded "As long as no one's getting hurt, what's the problem?" So, yeah, I'm not adverse to SeTi, but at the same time…like there are people starving in the world, people whose civil liberties are being trampled upon, people who will probably never experience love in their lives…and all you can think of is playing in a fountain?! Sorry, but I just need more "depth" than that.


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## craig33

I'm an ISFP/Composer/4w5 and from my own observations I'm attracted the most (not physically) to the ESFJ/Guardian Provider. Beauty and physical attractiveness plays a HUGE role in what I'm *actually* attracted to and the only exception I make are the Fe types, especially the ESFJ. I do it without realizing it. If I was a thinner man and felt justified and comfortable with having my old standards back in females; I would date/bonk a Fe that was less than desirable physically. 

David Keirsey said in his book "Please Understand Me II" that ISFP's make good, compatible mates with the ESTJ. I don't see that happening. From what I've seen of Judge Judy, my ESTJ stepmother, and observing other ESTJ's, being with one romantically is really hard to fathom. I don't even have them as friends.


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## Belladonne

ENTJ here. I prefer NFs for relationships. SPs are too "flighty" for me.


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## Brother Lionus

Also ENTJ. Chalk up this theory however you want. I think its a matter of sharing a similar function stack. My "first love" was an INTJ. After that, the only women that really stand out that I have typed have been ESTJ, INFP, and ESFP. All te/fi in there. The ESFP was shallow and was never a particularly strong interest, but the strong emphasis on Se-Fi appealed to my weaker functions. So there was base attraction.

The fi dom continues to mystify me. I can't even explain it. Its the essence of one of those people that you see and they just unlock some feeling of longing you normally don't ever have or understand. Must be the dom/inferior relationship.


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## ai.tran.75

TreeBob said:


> While having lunch with my co-worker the other day the topic of cognitive functions came up. Eventually we started discussing the shadow functions that have been popularized by John Beebe. I have been intrigued in general by cognitive functions and have looked into them a bit more for the last few months. Studying a persons cognitive functions says a lot more about them then their MBTI does. While they are both related, the cognitive better explains why people get the percentages of each letter they get. Near the end of the meal I started thinking about what types shared my shadows but as their four main functions. What i found was quite interesting.
> 
> ESTP has the functions Se Ti Fe Ni and the shadow are Si Te Fi Ne. While checking out the cognitive functions I was quite shocked at what I found. The four types that use the ESTP shadow functions were ESTJ, ISTJ, INFP and ENFP. The commonality you see is STJ and NFP. This significance for me was nothing short of profound. I have had three women who I can say I have been truly in love with in my 36 years. My ex-wife who is an ENFP and two girls after the marriage (ESTJ and INFP). The only one lacking is an ISTJ, but I did meet one and I admit to having strong desires for her. Given time it too might have blossomed into more deep relation. Could this be a coincidence? I really have a hard time thinking it is. My relationships with these women went beyond mere infatuation and sexual attraction. I still think of all four even now.
> 
> So this brings up a few questions. First and foremost; is this just a fluke? Would the relationships really last or is it a fleeting infatuation. Can I date other MBTI types and really love them as much and in the same way? To really prove this theory correct I need more data and that means you! In order to do this correctly though you will need to tell me the people you love and their types. If they have not taken the test then please ask them to take it. No guessing! I can say my ex-wife falls into three of hers just as I did. She (ENFP) has loved an ESTP (me), ISTP and INFJ.
> 
> Remember this is a theory and most important I am not saying you can't love any MBTI type no matter what type you are. I am just pointing out (For better or worse) that I am attracted to my shadows. I truly believe of the 4 shadow mates I would be best off with ESTJ and ISTJ purely due to the sensing. That said there is no doubting the powerful draw I have to all four types. To help you all out I created a handy chart to connect you to your possible "soul mates".


Funny - I was about to say that it's wrong but the only person I've ever fell in love with was my husband who's an Istp/estp. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Inveniet

My experience with shadow attraction is... hmm well I can't wholeheartedly recommend it.
The focus is just way of and the mystery quickly vanish, especially when you know Jungian types.
Duals of the opposite sex, don't get boring though, they struck terror in me before,
but now that I've gotten my own act together a bit, they seem very fun.


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## Elderane

Im ENFP and I had long terms realtionships with ENTP, ESTJ and one short, but intensive relationship with INFP. The one with the ENTP was nice, healthy relationship, we could discuss sooo many things, we had so many topics to talk about, I learned so many things from him. But there was horrible problem with his procrastination. Omg, two procrastinators in one relationship - not good. He was permanently in rush, did things in the last minute, came late on dates, started to forget important things and after long time doing this, things went wrong, we barely saw each other and became strange to each other. It's a catastrophy for ENFP who wants to stay connect with soulmate. 
ESTJ - omg, worst relationship ever. He couldn't stand my ideas, that I am vivacious, that I can focus only to the things I really enjoy and I hate doing routine tasks. The humour was so different. Lots of people like me and wherever we came, people talk mostly with me I was the favourite one between our common friends and that made him jealous (he didnt realize I am talkative and heart warming and love people). He was kinda addicted to me, he loved me unhealthy and that bothered me. ENFP loves to be loved but not that way. We want to be loved as we are - so crazy, with child like enthusiasm, we want to be accepted (who doesnt??). But I was fool for him, he started to push me into things I didn't want and he thought that it will be the best for me because it was the best for him. I hate being manipulated, I broke up with him. He couldn't get over it, because he thought it was the most healthier relationship he ever had - but I think this was also about his psychic condition, not only personality determinant
with INFP I felt I dated the same person as me, but there was a little difference - I was more outgoing, fearless and he was shy, unsure, living the most of the time inside. I needed talk about problems, he didnt. I am optimist, he is pessimist. I was more into action, he considered things so long. 
I think I couldnt handle a relationship with ISFJ - I know some ISFJs and they absolutely don't understand my Ne and Fi, that I am idealist and living in the world of possibilities. And omg, God forgive me, the most annoying people I know are INFJs.


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## Pinion

I didn't like xNFJs until I had a huge argument with one who made some good points but stormed off (presumably) never to return, and now I think they're kind of sexy. I don't really know how that works, but there you have it.


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## Bugs

One of the closest people to me in the world is an ISFJ. As far as attraction , I don't think so.


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## Astrid Von M

i always gravitated towards ESTPs and even ENTJs with bigger preference towards the ESTPs. as an ISTJ (borderline FJ) i found them to be very much complementary to my own personality. i absolutely adore ESTPs straight forwardness/no bullshit type of attitude, their focus, intensity and decisiveness - i guess cause i'm like that myself but a bit softer due to my equal levels of T/F . and if they're an enneagram 8s - then even more so


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## charlie.elliot

I'm INFJ - my best friend and deepest relationship ever is ISTJ - my 8th function! We're complete shadows of each other. I can't say I was in love with her, but I was definitely attracted to her from the start, and we have an incredibly deep connection.

People I've been in love with:
INFP (major)
INTP (major)
INTP 
INFJ


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## knife

While you can get to know all sorts of people, I'd say that the people I have the most chemistry with are NPs. This is perhaps because I'm more strongly NP than I am ET...I don't find shadow types at all compelling.


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## Korvyna

It's not my shadow type for me, it's someone with the same functions. My husband is an INTJ. I guess it's not surprising that his more dominant functions are my inferior functions and vice versa...when his strengths tend to be my weaknesses and vice versa. :wink:


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## Anelith

I've been dating an INTP for just under 6 months now. Our relationship has always been a deep one, although not so emotional (that may be because we're 2 Thinking types though). We share similar interests, both have the capacity and like to engage in political, ethical or philosophical debates and fulfill each other's weaknesses since we use completely different functions. It took time for me to get used to his P-induced lack of commitment (and for him to get used to my J-induced need to plan everything in advance), but putting that on the side, it has been the deepest relationship I've ever been into. 

I also dated an INFP for about 2 months and she left me because I was too "distant".


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## qwerty08

Ah love, such a tricky subject...


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## ae1905

TreeBob said:


> You answered the question based on your limited relationships yes, plenty of other people have said there is something to this theory based on their relationships. I don't think anyone can say for fact that theory is bogus. Loving someone doesn't always = long lasting relationship (One of my shadow relationships was 17 years in duration). There are always factors which can get in the way of that from happening.
> 
> I threw the infatuation/lust part into the equation because what I think is love, could also be lust for other people.


Sure, I don't have enough evidence to say for certain one way or another, so that is my opinion based on experience and my understanding of the cognitive functions. In any event, it's an interesting observation and idea worth thinking about.


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## ai.tran.75

I find this concept correct for my case on the nfp and stp part ; not much or at all with Nfj - from experience any FE dom would be my worst nightmare - I've briefly dated an enfj and that was horrible . However I completely agree with you on the shadow function but I think it has to happen spontaneously and unexpected rather than to find a shadow match - my INFP aunt married my estp uncle in law in the 60s (my grandparents were against it so she starved herself until she got her way) and they're still happily marry and in love until this day . I've never believe in love or any concept of it until 2.5 years in with my istp . Quite sure it's more of a mere coincidence but I like this theory better than duality


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## MNiS

It's pretty much false.


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## 45130

TreeBob said:


> Well I made the theory based on bias of course. I mean this is personality theory. There is no way to make a theory up unless you base it on past experience/feelings. I wrote this article in order to collect more data to either support or refute it. You can go back and read every thread but *it is generally showing in my favour. *
> 
> From what you told me you have a thing for SPs, so again it fits another person. If I chose to use my theory in real life I fail to see how that is a problem. I certainly don't exclude other types when I date.
> 
> Was there a special reason to call this bias or were you just making an observation.


That's confirmation bias at work. 
And the forer effect, perhaps. People would rather pigeonhole themselves into a vaguely defined but appealing theory that sounds familiar, rather than research into deep detail and find there is something wrong. In that sense, this isn't any better than MBTI. But critical people can falsify your theory at least, and that's what many have been doing throughout the topic. 
As for other topics, your thing shares a lot in common with the other MBTI romance theories, so the data isn't independent even there. 
Lastly, even IF there turns out to be a tendency towards shadows, you'll have to check if something like Keirsey's or Eva's attraction theorythings don't explain anything better (because their theories may be at work here instead of yours. this is a possibility). There's a long way before your idea can be propagated as some kind of proven tendency.

Now I, *ENFP*, have had a thing for other NFPs, but I'm dating an ESFP now. NONE of these use either Si or Te as their 1st or 2nd functions, as you describe. Does this make me mistyped? No. Does it falsify the theory? Perhaps, but not really since you're talking about tendencies. Does it hurt the predictive power? Yes, because it failed to explain yet another person's romantic interests and relationships even when I'm also subject to biases in the theory's favour. 


To take things apart, what's going wrong?
1) OP made the theory and he's the one who's checking if it's true > Confirmation bias - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
2) Theorymaker is popular and powerful, influences subjects > Observer-expectancy effect - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
3) OP believes his past fits perfectly into the theory > Hindsight bias - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
4) OP believes most data here fits > Selective perception - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia & Naïve realism (psychology) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
5) Theory is already given > Forer effect - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
6) Other theories predict similar results > Congruence bias - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia & Subjective validation - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
7) Posters can see eachother's posts > Conformity - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

This doesn't show you're wrong, but you'll have to eliminate a whole lot of noise before you can say your theory applies to other people.


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## perpetuallyreticent

It's hard to watch people assume that when someone comes up with a theory, that this theory must apply to everyone or nobody at all. For one, it's a _theory_ for a reason- not necessarily set in stone, cold hard facts. Two, what he's talking about are things from his own personal experiences and as we can clearly see, a lot of people have in fact harbored strong attraction toward their shadow type(s). 

the theory is more of an observation than something that has to apply to everybody (or that if it doesn't, what @TreeBob is saying can't possibly have any truth to it. yeesh, people.)

In my experience, I am generally attracted to T users, but lately have found myself strongly attracted to an INTP. Not sure if this is a multiple occurrence thing for me, but yeah... the contrast of our differences is highly exhilarating for me.


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## craig33

Physical/sexual attraction is more important to me than what type the person is.


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## EccentricSiren

I dated an ISTJ once. It was fun at first, but I am never dating another STJ type again. Or another SJ, for that matter. My ideal guy would either be Ne-dom or Ne-aux (even though I also find Ni-doms quite fascinating). So maybe there's something to your theory and I'm weird, or what happened to you was just a fluke...or people of the same type can be attracted to different things. As an INFP, I want someone who's very similar to me, who understands my way of seeing things and backs me up with it. Another INFP might want someone totally different from them to "balance them out".


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## Teddy_Kuma

TreeBob said:


> While having lunch with my co-worker the other day the topic of cognitive functions came up. Eventually we started discussing the shadow functions that have been popularized by John Beebe. I have been intrigued in general by cognitive functions and have looked into them a bit more for the last few months. Studying a persons cognitive functions says a lot more about them then their MBTI does. While they are both related, the cognitive better explains why people get the percentages of each letter they get. Near the end of the meal I started thinking about what types shared my shadows but as their four main functions. What i found was quite interesting.
> 
> ESTP has the functions Se Ti Fe Ni and the shadow are Si Te Fi Ne. While checking out the cognitive functions I was quite shocked at what I found. The four types that use the ESTP shadow functions were ESTJ, ISTJ, INFP and ENFP. The commonality you see is STJ and NFP. This significance for me was nothing short of profound. I have had three women who I can say I have been truly in love with in my 36 years. My ex-wife who is an ENFP and two girls after the marriage (ESTJ and INFP). The only one lacking is an ISTJ, but I did meet one and I admit to having strong desires for her. Given time it too might have blossomed into more deep relation. Could this be a coincidence? I really have a hard time thinking it is. My relationships with these women went beyond mere infatuation and sexual attraction. I still think of all four even now.
> 
> So this brings up a few questions. First and foremost; is this just a fluke? Would the relationships really last or is it a fleeting infatuation. Can I date other MBTI types and really love them as much and in the same way? To really prove this theory correct I need more data and that means you! In order to do this correctly though you will need to tell me the people you love and their types. If they have not taken the test then please ask them to take it. No guessing! I can say my ex-wife falls into three of hers just as I did. She (ENFP) has loved an ESTP (me), ISTP and INFJ.
> 
> Remember this is a theory and most important I am not saying you can't love any MBTI type no matter what type you are. I am just pointing out (For better or worse) that I am attracted to my shadows. I truly believe of the 4 shadow mates I would be best off with ESTJ and ISTJ purely due to the sensing. That said there is no doubting the powerful draw I have to all four types. To help you all out I created a handy chart to connect you to your possible "soul mates".


I'm a bit too lazy to scroll through 11 pages of replies when I'm this excited that someone else is onto the same idea I am. 

I'm 26, and I've had two serious relationships, with a lot of... "encounters" around those two serious relationships. 

My friends are surprised to hear that I have a "favorite" ex, my first one, who I am still friends with after 10 years of being broken up and we talk occasionally as good friends. 

It wasn't until recently that I realized that her personality type is ENFP (shadow of my INFJ), and everything dawned on me (as per classic Ni). 

I still remember vividly how I met her, that entire week that we spent together, culminating in a drama-filled intense explosive opening of pandora's box (she was someone else's girlfriend when she decided to break things off and date me instead) that could rival most stories ever told in fantasy books (maybe I'll tell you guys sometime if I'm feeling nostalgic). 

What was different about her, to me, was the intense feeling at the beginning of: "she's different from the rest, she'll do" (Ni talking). It wasn't until I learned more about cognitive functions that what struck me immediately about her was tied together with Dr. Beebe's idea of "intoxicating seduction", as per Vicky Jo's post in her website, INFJ.com. The idea was that when your primary function meets your 5th function (backup/opposing personality) in someone else, the resulting attraction was intoxicating. I extrapolated that to - what if, more than just matching 1st and 5th, what if you matched all 4? 

I termed it, in a separate writeup I'm doing, a "mirrored" relationship. In this writeup, I express my belief that people with mirrored (shadow) personalities are like two sides of the same coin, using different approaches but ultimately coming to the same conclusion. A similar term would be "polar opposite", in most dating advice columns, where you're starting from the same base, and have different attitudes about things. This is slightly different from the "reversed" relationship, which is Keirsey's approach, to my understanding. 

Personally, whenever I meet an ENFP nowadays, I feel that same electrifying energy of - "This person will do." There's a rush that I instantly feel, a connection, within seconds of meeting them, something faster than how my Ni normally operates. This... is massive, considering that I'm REALLY picky about who I choose to date, hence "encounters".

I'm of the solemn belief that if two people are developing well, and/or probably have already become acquainted with and are a bit more comfortable with using their own shadow functions, that a mirrored relationship is pretty ideal. There will be challenges at the beginning while the two learn to see past each other's approaches, but when they finally understand the similarity they have with each other, the resulting relationship is indescribable. 

Obviously, caveat: I've only had my experiences so I can't really speak much about others, and I'm Intuiting dom, so maybe others experience it in different ways.

P.S. This also just came to me - I'm not saying that attraction is solely based on type, but since I was attracted already, then found out that their type was my shadow, then I feel the resulting attraction was even stronger than usual.


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## stiletto

Super old thread so I'm not sure my contribution is helpful. I'm also not familiar with cognitive functions yet so I'm not sure what it implies. 

I'm an ENTJ. I've only had one love of my life. An ISFP.


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## Owner Of A Lonely Heart

TreeBob said:


>


I know I have definitely been attracted to a lot of ENTPs before. A lot of my close guy friends fall into that category. As for the xSFJs, I believe the only ISFJ that I really know of is my dad. I can't say that I currently know too many I or ESFJs. As for INTPs, the connection between them and me seems weaker. For the most part, I have found with INTPs; I can talk with them for a little while but after that we generally lose touch with each or struggle to make conversations other than our previous conversations.

So in summary all you ENTP males are smexy, funny, and lovable dudes. @_Sonny_, @_bellisaurius_ @_Dyslexicon_ and @_Tzara_ :wink::blushed::happy:


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## bellisaurius

Owner Of A Lonely Heart said:


> I know I have definitely been attracted to a lot of ENTPs before.


Heh, I wouldn't even know what to do with an SFP. Plus, my Ti is such a prominent function that I'd imagine I'd occasionally come across as a pedant who just likes debate for the sake of debate (I do... and it bugs the intj in my life...). 

I'm curious how our (isfp vs entp) would differ though. I have a version of live and let live, but something tells me the flavors would be different, and I'm curious how that would play out as a long term thing.


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## Owner Of A Lonely Heart

bellisaurius said:


> Heh, I wouldn't even know what to do with an SFP. Plus, my Ti is such a prominent function that I'd imagine I'd occasionally come across as a pedant *who just likes debate for the sake of debate *(I do... and it bugs the intj in my life...).
> 
> I'm curious how our (isfp vs entp) would differ though. I have a version of live and let live, but something tells me the flavors would be different, and I'm curious how that would play out as a long term thing.


I sometimes debate for debate sake so I wouldn't necessarily call that just an entp thing.


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## ESFP100

ESFP married to INTP, so far so good.  
I know I am not attracted to Feeling type of Men, nor extraverted men. That leaves only to INTP then.

The N and S do prevent us from connecting with each other in some ways, (the biggest problem seems like my Fi, not the S, which he claims to be his biggest challenge). However we have learnt to respect each other's differences and continuously work on open communication with each other. (asking him to tell what he thinks and asking me to verbalize how I feel is difficult). Nevertheless, this enigma relationship is surely a fun, interesting and full of novelties one! (you guys know what novelty means to ESFP and INTP).


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## greenfairy026

I like ENFP's but have not been into INFP's and have never found myself at all attracted to STJ's. But that's me. I need some Se to really feel a good sexual connection. I tend to like the combination of Se and Fi.


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## Prada

My first love and currently best friend is ESFJ. Her former best friend is ESFP (and was most likely into her) who later traded her for someone who is probably an INTP (not 100% on that) and everyone keeps saying they look and act like a couple. So, yes, I would agree with this theory even though I don't have it confirmed by working romantic relationships. More like by not working romantic relationships and (not) working friendly relationships.  However, the more-than-friendly attraction is there two-sided in each case. Also, ESFJ is pretty much my ideal girlfriend.


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## MirTeiwazAt

My ex is an ISFJ, then another ISFJ and an INTJ


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## CasusBelli

TreeBob said:


> Remember this is a theory and most important I am not saying you can't love any MBTI type no matter what type you are. I am just pointing out (For better or worse) that I am attracted to my shadows. I truly believe of the 4 shadow mates I would be best off with ESTJ and ISTJ purely due to the sensing. That said there is no doubting the powerful draw I have to all four types. To help you all out I created a handy chart to connect you to your possible "soul mates".


The two women I can say I loved and still love were an ISFJ and an ISTP; the latter is my current girlfriend. Being very rational in my choice of whom to love (despite what the rest of the world and tawdry valentine's ads say), I am highly attracted to sweet mellow introverts who use Ti/Fe, like I do. The way I see it, having shadow judging functions in a relationship is a pivot point for mutual frustration and disgust. 

However, having different perception functions can be refreshing, especially when they are not in their full-blown form, like in the case of extroverts, which is why I prefer introverts. Also, the thought of intuitive types as partners tends to annoy me for some reason… I prefer the 'feet on the ground' in a lady, but in the amiable Fe fashion.


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## Lunacik

I've always adored..._mature_...ENTJs. Doesn't get much more "shadow function" than that.


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## Lady D

For me these types have been a match:

1. INTJ
2. ESFP
3. ENFJ
4. INTP
5. ESFJ

- I find the fifth as the best type so far. The attraction seems to last time and grow.


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## maryapple

The relationships i had that turned into something serious were INTP and ESTP.


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## Stevester

From my experience as an ISTJ

ESTPs - (Same stack, reverse directions)- My weakness type. Extremely attractive all around. We come from two different worlds but share the same pragmatic view. We secretly envy each other. But there is a ''fobidden love'' aspect here, in that we ultimately distrust each other. I think they are ultimately unreliable and hiding things from me, they think I will try to trap them through discipline and routine. It's similar to the good naive girl, feeling an uncontrollable attraction to the rebellious bad boy. 

ENFPs - (Same functions, upside down stack) No attraction initially. We usually annoy each other. But we meet in the middle due to the Te/Fi Fi/Te axis, so we can actually learn to appreciate each other in time. We use each's Dom functions to learn how to grow (when it's not driving us apart)

INFJ - (Upside down stack, reverse direction) The ultimate ''meh'' which is odd considering that INFJs are stereotypically the most romanticized type. We have half similarities and half differences so we ultimately never seem to meet anywhere, leaving neither an attraction nor disgust.


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## ArmchairCommie

Well I, an ISFJ, have never been in a relationship before so I can not comment on romantic attraction but my former best friend was an INTJ and my current best friend is an ESFP so this theory may have some validity. Yet at the same time I feel like most of my crushes have been on INxP girls so I have no idea how well this rule holds up in my case. Nevertheless, it is a very interesting premise and it may indeed be true that those who share shadow functions are more likely to be attracted to one another.


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## Umbraphage

It's kinda hard to say, considering I haven't been in any relationships (Still young and not looking for romance!). What I have noticed is that I (and friends) have tendencies to be attracted to people with our shadow functions or people who are the same (or similar with the difference of E, I, J, or P, very occasionally T or F) personality. For example, so far I have been attracted to another INTJ (more on the romantic side) and an ENTP (He's likable, is all I can really say at this point). Said INTJ and ENTP have exhibited almost all signs of attraction toward me. Another guy, an ENFP, was most definitely attracted to me and was seemingly a good friend until I saw his true character and determined that he would NOT be a good partner. Quite honestly, despite our initially OK relationship, we did not connect as well compared to INTJ and ENTP. I don't understand the ENFPxINTJ pairing actually, so I would believe the shadow function attraction theory more.


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## Arzazar Szubrasznikarazar

A lot of women in media I felt/feel attraction to are INFJs.
Milla Jovovich, Emmanuelle Seigner, Hillary Swank, Natalie Portman, Diana Krall, Ronda Rousey, Gina Carano, Amber Heard, Sharon den Adel, etc.

When it comes to interaction with 3D INFJs generally, we tend to end up disliking each other because there's often an incompatibility between between my values and their code of conduct, misunderstandings, freaking each other out, etc.

My waifu from unconsciousness seems to understand me perfectly, though.


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## starwars

I find interesting that one of my best friends is ESFP, and she's my shadow, mirror...
I have a hard time getting along with ISFP's, I have a hard time understanding FI, that's probably why. There are a few that do like me, maybe because they are much older(married with children) and see me as a mature teen. Pretty much the same with NTJ's I know 2 tops off my head and they both very much like me as a person(they scare me with their Te at times....)


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## shameless

In reference to those few who managed to pull at my heart strings its been 2 enfp, 1entp, 1 infj. So I guess I have fallen for shadow types 50% 2/4. No experience with stj I could see it either being complimentary or failing miserable in theory. My track record with enfp romantic tho is not great but both of those were 1st and 2nd loves younger years so maybe it was age but drawing from my experience gotta say I should not be just in theory of type alone and personal experience with an enfp. Love their Ne but their Fi in aux at least the ones I was with was a chore for me at least then. Hard to see. But I am bias 

Currently with Infj, who knows what will be but I like the reverse angle ying and yang thing for sure right now.


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## asomeone

I'm an INFJ and I don't think I've ever been really into an xSTJ... INFPs and ENFPs especially YES... I think I'm more into NFs and Ni/Ne dominant functions though...


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## SonicDebate

I've been in love with NFPs almost exclusively except for one ESFJ (which doesn't fit the theory!).


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## L P

Hmmmm, my best friend is ENFJ. I've only met 3 ENFJs, and I don't know the 3rd one well but the first two, they come off as kind of crazy to me. Like their theories make no sense to me but they think I'm disconnected from some universal consciousness if their theories don't make sense to me and that gets old and annoying real fast. It's almost like they are trying to muscle me to agree with them by saying my "spirit has been rotted" and that's why I can't understand them, so if I want to be healthy I should understand them, like wtf, get out my face man, it's not I SHOULD understand you, it's I DON'T understand you. I do get the sense that they can see through me though, even if it's not completely true. I do see the pull though, for some reason ENFJs get me enough to make me feel understood even if they don't completely understand me, so they are comforting to be around. We see the world through the same lens but with a different tint. Feelings first and logic last but their world is tinted blue while mine is tinted red and when we try to convince the other of what color the world truly is we cannot see eye to eye. Fi/Fe clashes, Ni/Ne clashes, oh god sometimes it's not worth it.


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## Katie Tran

Man, I wish PinkRasputin and TreeBob are still active. Dx


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## Rventurelli

Hmmm... _I am_ an *INTJ-A* and _my ex_ is an *ISTP-A*. Things went _catastrophically bad_ in the _three years_ it lasted, however, I am _not sure how much_ that was plain *incompatibility* or the fact _she was_ a *maniac-depressive.*


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## OpalMagnus

Okay I know this thread is old, but... 

I just wanted to say I agree with this theory. I dated an INFJ once. Supposedly it was supposed to be my perfect match. I wasn't even wildly attracted to him, but I had never dated anyone before and I just wanted to have a boyfriend so badly. I dated him twice and it ended badly both times. Unfortunately, now I even kind of hate him even though I shouldn't have a reason to. I just found the way he wanted to fix everyone's internal problems really annoying. He was always trying to "help" me and analyze my brain. I never asked for the therapy session, man. He was really kind-hearted though. 

Now my ISTP. I wasn't like immediately in love, but we started as great friends. I always wanted to be a part of his antics (and of course make them even more dramatic. Shotgun beer contest anyone?). I didn't realize until 2 years later I had a crush on him which is weird because all my affairs before that had been like OMG I'm in love. But eventually I was pretty smitten by the shaggy hair and the way he leaned against walls and told jokes that would offend any sensible person. And even though we're like different people now (he especially has gotten waaay more mature and I'm so proud of him) we're still dating 3 years later. 

Let's see...I dated an ESTP once (I think that's what he was). I was immediately smitten but was hurt by how little he seemed to actually care about me. I wasn't trying to catch feelings (just trying to keep the sex casual) but I suck at that. 

I had a huge crush on another INFJ once but he always went back and forth on how he felt about me (like he would want to touch me, get close to me, be friends, but then wouldn't want to go on a date). 

I had a teacher once that I was absolutely obsessed with for years (poor guy  ). I think he was an ENFP though. 

So I would say yes I'm pretty immediately attracted to my shadow types and my best relationship has been with an ISTP.


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## Katie Tran

OpalMagnus said:


> Okay I know this thread is old, but...
> 
> I just wanted to say I agree with this theory. I dated an INFJ once. Supposedly it was supposed to be my perfect match. I wasn't even wildly attracted to him, but I had never dated anyone before and I just wanted to have a boyfriend so badly. I dated him twice and it ended badly both times. Unfortunately, now I even kind of hate him even though I shouldn't have a reason to. I just found the way he wanted to fix everyone's internal problems really annoying. He was always trying to "help" me and analyze my brain. I never asked for the therapy session, man. He was really kind-hearted though.
> 
> Now my ISTP. I wasn't like immediately in love, but we started as great friends. I always wanted to be a part of his antics (and of course make them even more dramatic. Shotgun beer contest anyone?). I didn't realize until 2 years later I had a crush on him which is weird because all my affairs before that had been like OMG I'm in love. But eventually I was pretty smitten by the shaggy hair and the way he leaned against walls and told jokes that would offend any sensible person. And even though we're like different people now (he especially has gotten waaay more mature and I'm so proud of him) we're still dating 3 years later.
> 
> Let's see...I dated an ESTP once (I think that's what he was). I was immediately smitten but was hurt by how little he seemed to actually care about me. I wasn't trying to catch feelings (just trying to keep the sex casual) but I suck at that.
> 
> I had a huge crush on another INFJ once but he always went back and forth on how he felt about me (like he would want to touch me, get close to me, be friends, but then wouldn't want to go on a date).
> 
> I had a teacher once that I was absolutely obsessed with for years (poor guy  ). I think he was an ENFP though.
> 
> So I would say yes I'm pretty immediately attracted to my shadow types and my best relationship has been with an ISTP.


Hey! Don't be offended or think I'm doubting you or anything but I'm truly curious.

Why do you think you're ENFP or how did you come to the fact that you are in fact ENFP? 

Also, for you ISTP and ESTP relationships, who asked who out or why did you and the other two decided to date?

What makes you think the ESTP didn't care about you? What was shown for you to think that?


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## L P

I think conflictor types can attract each other. I know in my case they do.

from faraway ESTP women are attractive to me, and the type of woman I have consistently attracted was ESTP. I counted 5 ESTP women, this is compared to other women who I could not tell their type, ESTP has come up 5 times.

They say opposites attract, and I think in this case because the person seems soooo vastly different from you (even more so than a socionics dual) there is a curiousity about the person. And as an Ne user I can see that in my curiosity being what draws me to them.
I personally think I have a chemical reaction attraction to them when I am attracted, not sure how to explain but it's not a "Oh I like this person." attraction, it's a "I can't stop looking at this person whyyyyyyy!!!" attraction, it's largely uncontrollable for me for some ESTP women. Like a body response. And the ESTP women that I have attracted, 3 of them looked like the wanted to eat me, so I imagine they had some compulsive attraction up front too.

I think it's easy to be attracted to people who are very good at things you really suck at, to put in layman's terms.


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## Hottest_Commie_Ever

Wow, i wish i found this thread sooner. I'm dating an ENFP and we're very much in love with each other, although we're first loves and haven't dated before.

People i've felt attracted to include one guy who was either ENTP or ENTJ, and another ESFP. Introverted men have never wanted to talk to me or get close XD

Thank goodness i'm not the only one who finds that "you can only date the type with your inferior function as their dominant" is bull.


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## Katie Tran

Hottest_Commie_Ever said:


> Wow, i wish i found this thread sooner. I'm dating an ENFP and we're very much in love with each other, although we're first loves and haven't dated before.
> 
> People i've felt attracted to include one guy who was either ENTP or ENTJ, and another ESFP. Introverted men have never wanted to talk to me or get close XD
> 
> Thank goodness i'm not the only one who finds that "you can only date the type with your inferior function as their dominant" is bull.


LOL.

I looked at your username and immediately thought of my ESTP brother. You two would get along! :laughing:

But yaaaaay, another ESTP/ENFP couple. I live for this. :heart:


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## Hottest_Commie_Ever

Alassea said:


> LOL.
> 
> I looked at your username and immediately thought of my ESTP brother. You two would get along! :laughing:
> 
> But yaaaaay, another ESTP/ENFP couple. I live for this. :heart:


Haha nice, does he also like edgy communist political jokes?:crazy:

yes, my name is purely for humour, and when i was thinking of it a part of me did want a name that would show people my type and make it crystal-clear to everyone how i am 

Do you know ENFP/ESTP couples, or are you in a relationship with an ESTP? I live for this too, ya know, cuz all the love theories say opposite shadow function types are the worst...but we're not!


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## Katie Tran

Hottest_Commie_Ever said:


> Haha nice, does he also like edgy communist political jokes?:crazy:
> 
> yes, my name is purely for humour, and when i was thinking of it a part of me did want a name that would show people my type and make it crystal-clear to everyone how i am
> 
> Do you know ENFP/ESTP couples, or are you in a relationship with an ESTP? I live for this too, ya know, cuz all the love theories say opposite shadow function types are the worst...but we're not!


YES HE DOES. And Hitler jokes (pleasenobodygetmad) :laughing:

Yeah, I know a few ENFP/ESTP couples. The unhealthy ones are REALLY bad and the healthy ones are REALLY good. Literally no in between; it's amazing lmao.
The healthy couples are honestly goals too. Literally the definition of fun partners in crime or 'power couples.' 

I've also come close to dating a few ESTPs myself, but didn't do to irrelevant and inconvenient reasons and really had nothing to do with our lack of attraction. 

But right now, I'm saving myself for @ENIGMA15 :wink: :heart:


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## ENIGMA2019

Alassea said:


> YES HE DOES. And Hitler jokes (pleasenobodygetmad) :laughing:
> 
> Yeah, I know a few ENFP/ESTP couples. The unhealthy ones are REALLY bad and the healthy ones are REALLY good. Literally no in between; it's amazing lmao.
> The healthy couples are honestly goals too. Literally the definition of fun partners in crime or 'power couples.'
> 
> I've also come close to dating a few ESTPs myself, but didn't do to irrelevant and inconvenient reasons and really had nothing to do with our lack of attraction.
> 
> But right now, I'm saving myself for @ENIGMA15 :wink: :heart:


*blushes* You are such a sweetheart 










and HOTTT : )


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## Hottest_Commie_Ever

Alassea said:


> YES HE DOES. And Hitler jokes (pleasenobodygetmad) :laughing:
> 
> Yeah, I know a few ENFP/ESTP couples. The unhealthy ones are REALLY bad and the healthy ones are REALLY good. Literally no in between; it's amazing lmao.
> The healthy couples are honestly goals too. Literally the definition of fun partners in crime or 'power couples.'
> 
> I've also come close to dating a few ESTPs myself, but didn't do to irrelevant and inconvenient reasons and really had nothing to do with our lack of attraction.
> 
> But right now, I'm saving myself for @ENIGMA15 :wink: :heart:


the thing about jokes like that is making them when you know you won't offend anyone around. I was trying to put a swastika on my piñata (which i was going to HIT and BREAK) and talking about that when this very liberal ENFJ girl was listening...not good 

Wow how do you mean they're really bad? Do they not get along at all, or are they just more turbulent than other couples in solving their problems?

Ok, this is the internet, you guys are joking, right? I hope i'm guessing correctly XD


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## Cagey

Borderline will certainly change a relationship dynamic.


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## tryingtofindaway

Just the idea of dating a Te-Fi sends shivers down my spine


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## AnneINTJ

I don't go by personality type. Mainly because people are so different....besides, if I am interested in someone, I want to get to know them thru my eyes and not the lens of a test.


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## thedazzlingdexter

I did date an ESFJ once. They were also histronic. It ended badly but it was fun in the start.


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## goofymary

this theory is super valid in my life. i feel almost repelled by people with the same functions as me THEY BORE ME but it is comfy i guess (im infp but my parents are enfp and estj; we are all similar and opposite at the same time and they drive me nuts and frustrate me!!) my sister who im very close with is ENFJ and her functions and mine do feed off each other. we have an endless relationship. the things we are about are exactly the same. it's perhaps the deepest relationship i've had in my life, well i also feel this with ISTP (i would say it's actually comfier with ISTPs cuz we both are so open with each other and cuss each other out). ESTPs and I we get along i think, they're pretty like idk just too easy to be around, it's almost like not challenging LOL. it's always pleasant around them, however i prefer the edge of the istp and the neuroticism of the ENFJ, it's way more intellectually stimulating. but i will say estps and enfjs with their hilarious se is much more easier to feel at ease with compared to the lazier istps. but my mind often feels activated with istps. and infjs idk. they are attractive and it's very easy to talk to them but they do seem kinda well IXXJ if ya know what i mean haha. it's easy to make them talk tho. all i gotta do is ask them questions and be curious and they SPILL since they know so fucking much. they're pretty impressive and it often feels like they don't enjoy using Fe actually LOL, they much prefer talking in Ti. ESTPs are the opposite, they use Fe quite a bit and being fluid with others comes easy to them, but I feel like they are very proud of themselves when they talk Ti stuff, very cute. it's funny cuz with ISTPs or at least the ones i've encountered, they love talking about emotions actually haha. idk i just know i want to marry istp or enfj/entj the end. maybe estp/infj if things are interesting.


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## thedazzlingdexter

TreeBob said:


> While having lunch with my co-worker the other day the topic of cognitive functions came up. Eventually we started discussing the shadow functions that have been popularized by John Beebe. I have been intrigued in general by cognitive functions and have looked into them a bit more for the last few months. Studying a persons cognitive functions says a lot more about them then their MBTI does. While they are both related, the cognitive better explains why people get the percentages of each letter they get. Near the end of the meal I started thinking about what types shared my shadows but as their four main functions. What i found was quite interesting.
> 
> ESTP has the functions Se Ti Fe Ni and the shadow are Si Te Fi Ne. While checking out the cognitive functions I was quite shocked at what I found. The four types that use the ESTP shadow functions were ESTJ, ISTJ, INFP and ENFP. The commonality you see is STJ and NFP. This significance for me was nothing short of profound. I have had three women who I can say I have been truly in love with in my 36 years. My ex-wife who is an ENFP and two girls after the marriage (ESTJ and INFP). The only one lacking is an ISTJ, but I did meet one and I admit to having strong desires for her. Given time it too might have blossomed into more deep relation. Could this be a coincidence? I really have a hard time thinking it is. My relationships with these women went beyond mere infatuation and sexual attraction. I still think of all four even now.
> 
> So this brings up a few questions. First and foremost; is this just a fluke? Would the relationships really last or is it a fleeting infatuation. Can I date other MBTI types and really love them as much and in the same way? To really prove this theory correct I need more data and that means you! In order to do this correctly though you will need to tell me the people you love and their types. If they have not taken the test then please ask them to take it. No guessing! I can say my ex-wife falls into three of hers just as I did. She (ENFP) has loved an ESTP (me), ISTP and INFJ.
> 
> Remember this is a theory and most important I am not saying you can't love any MBTI type no matter what type you are. I am just pointing out (For better or worse) that I am attracted to my shadows. I truly believe of the 4 shadow mates I would be best off with ESTJ and ISTJ purely due to the sensing. That said there is no doubting the powerful draw I have to all four types. To help you all out I created a handy chart to connect you to your possible "soul mates".


I dated an ESFJ once. They would reason out why they were doing was stupid and do it anyways and than complain to me that it work. I'm like "Love we had this discussion didn't we?"


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