# I can't tell if I love anymore...



## Lightlilly (Mar 31, 2012)

Hi there....

I'm in need of advice, I'd like to see what sort of feed back I may get here.

I have only been in one real relationship that lasted about 3 years. 
dated 6months, engaged 6months, married 2yrs
It ended mutually for numerous reasons that we both understand, we are still very good friends and talk to each other daily, but we know we don't work as a relationship... 

I have been meeting new people....
after spending time with them and talking with them for a short amount of time
-this has happened with 3 people now-
They always tell me that I don't open up and that they don't think I care for them.

What I'm unsure of is....I don't know if they are expecting too much from me -emotionally- too soon or 
if I'm really just not being a good friend/not opening up to them.

I'm worried because I'm tired of talking with someone...only for them to suddenly want to stop talking because they don't think I'm interested in them.....then I have to do all this reassuring only for them to go right back in to it or...seriously quit trying to develop our friendship. 

I am worried because I can not tell if I love someone or not...I feel that I could make anyone work and I don't know how I feel about anyone.


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## iemanja (Feb 5, 2012)

I've never been married or anything but maybe you should consider these questions before we can give you further advice.

- Do you consider the people you meet potential romantic partners?
- Do you think coming out of your marriage has affected your interactions with potential romantic partners?
- Are you a typically "guarded" person or are you a bit hard to get to know? I know several INFJs who are, so I wouldn't consider this atypical

What IS love anyway?


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## Das Brechen (Nov 26, 2011)

We as an audience do not know the nature of your relationship with your exhusband. Although, the marriage ended amicably we don't know exactly how the separation affected you psychologically. Numerous reasons is vague. Maybe purposely so. None of my business. But I will say in my own words...

Respect -> Lust -> Love

What was the purpose of dating these men? Potential partners or playthings? My question is not can you love, but can you lust? Are you able to be aroused by men again? If not, you might have some attachment issues/insecurity to deal with. 

Note: By "we", I mean "me". Other than that, I could be terribly wrong about everything.


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## RandomNote (Apr 10, 2013)

You ever think your just meeting the wrong people? Try new people if ya want.


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## Lightlilly (Mar 31, 2012)

Originally....I think I made the choice to unconditionally love my first lover (exhusband) because he was the only one I had made. Our personalities didn't fit together, he's the kind to over react to small things....I guess I underreact or dont react at all (used to get upset because he would get upset but that gets us no where) - however we do make good friends ...in that...we are both good reliable honest people. He has moved on and she seems to be a better fit.

Im trying to make a really close friend ...I'm not the type that can physically love too early...unless I dont care about the people involved -mostly because I'd feel terrible if it didnt work out and if i had already slept with them-...then it doesnt matter...but I was trying to build a relationship and I was interested everytime.
I don't want to hurt anyone...but
I dont think I lust... I do feel physical attraction to people but v.v ...I'm more interested in being attracted to how a person is...it doesn't matter what they look like if we can't even carry a conversation v.v 
I was dating in hopes to develope friendship-->bestfriends--->lovers


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## Word Dispenser (May 18, 2012)

Lightlilly said:


> Hi there....
> 
> I'm in need of advice, I'd like to see what sort of feed back I may get here.
> 
> ...


It's not you, it's them.

You'll love again, when you're good and ready to. Sometimes that takes time. Just do things your way, and eventually you'll find someone who's willing to wait for you to open up, instead of complaining. 

I think the world rushes relationships these days. I mean, not to be critical of your choices, as I'm sure that you gained a lot of learning and experience from your time with your ex-husband, but you weren't dating or engaged for very long before you got married.

My current husfriend? We've been engaged for 5 years. Before that, we'd known each other for another 5 years. We're still learning a lot about each other. 

It ultimately comes down to personal choice. If you want to take a long time to open up, then do it, and I respect and admire you for it. Don't let what people say get to you.


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## Razare (Apr 21, 2009)

The strongest form of love isn't an emotion of love, it's a choice.

I know when it comes to romantic partners, we really want the emotions to be there... but really, that's just chemicals. Unconditional love is more than that.

It's loving because you choose to, and so, because it's a choice you cling to despite circumstances, it does not go away.

It's something to think about when you feel like you're not loving... that you can be completely loving if you choose to, which is the most important kind of love.


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## ENTJudgement (Oct 6, 2013)

Being guarded defeats the whole purpose of a relationship, if you don't want to share things, talk about things, support your partner then you probably aren't looking for a relationship.

If you want something more physical/not emotional and independence then go with friends with benefits.

Relationships are not dependence or independence but interdependence.


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## anon (Oct 19, 2009)

@_Lightlilly_ do you feel you came out of your last relationship with any reduced self-esteem, perhaps questioning yourself and seeing what could have gone wrong? Because when you give to someone unconditionally, and things turn out not as you would have imagined or expected, then you begin to withhold a lot of it in the quest of figuring out how to express it again but without heading into the same stumbling blocks. With this said, you can definitely love. The ability to love is still there. But it's only a matter of time that you feel it in order to recognize it at all. There's no right or wrong way of expressing it. It seems like your guard is quite up and while you are definitely giving your time and efforts to someone, it's bound to happen that the part where you need to share what you are afraid of sharing will start to become a necessity in the equation. Do it all at your own pace, and don't worry if other people react the way that they do as that is their way of identifying how much somebody wants the relationship. But it needs to come from both sides to have patience and give time to each other to foster that bond if the feelings of love are actually there.


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## Elies (Dec 24, 2013)

Focus on the relationship, not friendship. Look for someone you like a little and sense that you would like to develop this relationship forever. Then stop the chitchat and commit yourself. You are not looking for a best friend. I am a man. We do not like girls as friends. We either love them, or don't love them. Friends with a girl? Who are you kidding. You're not cool like the guys are, even if you are cool like the guys are. You're a girl. That's called woman material, not friend material. Find a man, not a friend.


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## bluekitdon (Dec 19, 2012)

Lightlilly said:


> Hi there....
> 
> I'm in need of advice, I'd like to see what sort of feed back I may get here.
> 
> ...


How long have you been divorced? It is very normal for there to be a period of time after the divorce of a couple years where things are up and down. It is best to focus on finding what you enjoy doing without a partner and get to a good spot where you enjoy your life before you focus on another relationship, then you can look to someone that can help complement that lifestyle.

People range widely in emotional needs. It is likely that with enough time you will find someone that isn't quite as needy emotionally as the people that you seem to be dating are and will complement you well. There's some 7 billion people on the planet, just because a handful of relationships didn't work out doesn't mean that you're broke, it just means they just weren't a good fit for your style. You need to figure out for yourself what you really want and need out of a partner, if you don't know then you won't be able to communicate it to prospective partners either.

Some good resources on relationships and divorce recovery.
DivorceCare: Divorce Recovery Support Groups
Family and Marriage, Help and Hope for your Marriage and your Family


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## Ravenetta (Oct 23, 2013)

@Lightlilly, I think they are expecting too much of you. 

I don't often have much certitude with fragments of information, but your uncertainty and reticence makes me wonder if you have a somewhat passive personality? Sometimes people can expect to control a reaction from someone who seems passive, and can coerce when they aren't getting the results they want.

I'm also an INFJ who has been through mutually congenial divorce and am still left with an inability to know my own feelings, needs, and desires without a lot of self-reflection. I *think* I'm a 4w5, but I'm pretty laid back and so also seem a bit 9-ish like you. 

With important relationships I've always cared far more about having peace and maintaining a connection than dealing with my own anger and pain. It also is confusing if you have empathy because the person's rejection, or inability to be connected, can make perfect sense and so there is no place for anger in the analytical realm. It sounds like you were quite hurt by the ending of your marriage, even if not terribly angry. If that is the case, then I can relate to what you say directly and personally, and if it is not, then I may just be projecting.

You have a right to just want to remain friends and not get too intense too quickly. That is just as legitimate as moving quickly into a relationship. If you met someone who wanted to take it more slowly than you desired, how would you react? Each time a new friend pressures you, turn it around and ask yourself what behavior you consider kind and respectful if someone was distant with you. That is the measure of how you "should" act and not what other people make you feel you are supposed to do in order to please them and follow along with their will.


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## Lightlilly (Mar 31, 2012)

Elies said:


> Focus on the relationship, not friendship. Look for someone you like a little and sense that you would like to develop this relationship forever. Then stop the chitchat and commit yourself. You are not looking for a best friend. I am a man. We do not like girls as friends. We either love them, or don't love them. Friends with a girl? Who are you kidding. You're not cool like the guys are, even if you are cool like the guys are. You're a girl. That's called woman material, not friend material. Find a man, not a friend.


This is ignorant.
....
to the extent that....
I had to point it out....

I understand _*you*, _and what_ *you *_are looking for.

I do not* need *a man. I want a friend.


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## Word Dispenser (May 18, 2012)

Lightlilly said:


> This is ignorant.
> ....
> to the extent that....
> I had to point it out....
> ...


I agree.

You can build a relationship foundation through friendship first.

Elies may be _kind _of correct in the context of an actual relationship, though. It seems as if, a lot of men will pretend to want friendship, but strive for something more. This is a dangerous line to walk when you want to be loyal to your partner. This is something I've determined for myself, though. I tend to cultivate a healthy distance with men who are not my partner, because I see this as being a necessary choice.


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## bluekitdon (Dec 19, 2012)

Word Dispenser said:


> I agree.
> 
> You can build a relationship foundation through friendship first.
> 
> Elies may be _kind _of correct in the context of an actual relationship, though. It seems as if, a lot of men will pretend to want friendship, but strive for something more. This is a dangerous line to walk when you want to be loyal to your partner. This is something I've determined for myself, though. I tend to cultivate a healthy distance with men who are not my partner, because I see this as being a necessary choice.


Wise woman. It may not be a pretense about wanting to be friends, but it is very common for these things to spin out when there is a problem with one or the other person's romantic relationship. All of a sudden there is someone you are close to when you are down and before you know it you've done something you may regret.


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## Elies (Dec 24, 2013)

If you need a friend then go to your girls. Men and women don't make good friends. Just look at the world. They are drawn together by horizontal gravity. The idea of men and women being friends is 60 years old and never existed before then and does not exist in any other part of the world other than America where men and women do not see themselves as being distinguished by their very natures.


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## Elies (Dec 24, 2013)

Word Dispenser said:


> I agree.
> 
> You can build a relationship foundation through friendship first.
> 
> Elies may be _kind _of correct in the context of an actual relationship, though. It seems as if, a lot of men will pretend to want friendship, but strive for something more. This is a dangerous line to walk when you want to be loyal to your partner. This is something I've determined for myself, though. I tend to cultivate a healthy distance with men who are not my partner, because I see this as being a necessary choice.


I wonder whether women also secretly want more than just a friendship, exactly the same like men do, but they keep it a secret.


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## Blickwinkel (May 15, 2012)

Elies, I'm gonna have to call bullshit on your claims....to an extent at least.

Men and women can absolutely be friends...but its usually under specific circumstances.

1. There are not attracted to each other. More so speaking from the guy's perspective, but it helps when both the guy and girl aren't interested.
2. One of them or both are taken and satisfied with their current relationship.
3. It is understood that sex will not result from talking with this person....and/or it will not progress beyond their current level of intimacy.

On topic, here's what I've noticed in relationships. Most guys interested in a relationship seek sex...intimacy and friendship are important too, but if the promise of sex is uncertain or just simply not happening, he WILL lose interest. Women interested in a relationship seek intimacy/friendship....sex is important too, but if the promise of an emotional connection is uncertain or simply not happening, the she WILL lose interest.

Most guys don't respond well when a woman is seeking a friend that she hopes will develop into more. For one, guys are afraid of the friend zone....we don't want to get close to woman only to be turned down sexually. That's blue balls at its finest. It feels like we just wasted our time getting invested in a woman if it wasn't going to develop into sex. Again, not saying guys only want sex, but it is VERY important to us if we're going to start a relationship. Don't lead a guy on if you aren't willing to have sex with him eventually.

Most women seeking a relationship don't respond well when a guy is seeking a fuck buddy. Simply put, guys often come on too strong with the sexual advances. If a guy wants sex bad enough, he'll try to flatter her with some cheap two dollar words and flash a photo of his Johnson in hopes of some instant gratification. Women don't like that, typically they'll want the guy to be there for them emotionally too. It just feels empty when there's no connection while you're getting connected, if you know what I mean. Don't approach a woman asking for sex if you aren't willing to get to know her and develop an emotional connection with her.

This is where so much confusion and heartbreak happens...guys usually approach or start talking with women they've been interested in having sex with, and the girl thinks he's just being nice or just wants to be friends. 9/10 times, he wants sex if he's really making an effort to get to know you. If the guy doesn't lay it out that he wants to have sex with her at some point, it can lead to frustration from the guy's perspective as she may not want to have sex with him or may already be taken...and it can lead to a feeling of betrayal as the girl may feel like the guy had an ulterior motive and didn't really care for her as a person.....which may or may not be true

My point is, lay this stuff out on the table when you meet someone you're interested. It doesn't have to be right away, but you need to let the other person know EXACTLY what you're looking for in them before emotions get involved. Don't hide it, don't assume shit about what the other person is thinking. Let that person know as clearly as you can what you're looking for. You need to be on the same page as them.

That's my two cents anyway.


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## Lightlilly (Mar 31, 2012)

feeling like an ISTP now
....
could be possible.


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