# Grief



## Ćerulean (Nov 18, 2008)

Whether in the wake of the loss of a loved one, or the longing to be with a special person in your life, how do you handle grief?

Through my experience I've found the best way to cope with grief is to verbally explain to someone you know you can trust how you feel on the deepest level. Two Thanksgiving's ago I lost my mother, and as for someone who has never experienced a loss so close to me, I didn't know what to do with myself. My natural instinct was to hold it in, which I did for some time, but I found laying down my deepest confessions to a good friend to be of great help. That, coupled with feeling free to cry whenever I felt like it and surrounded by family, made her passing a little easier. But keep in mind, losing someone is not something you fully get over. Even after two years has passed, I still think about her, seeing as my house is pretty much surrounded by things she either created herself or was very fond of. There are, however, people in your life who can understand where you're coming from and are worthy of talking to.

So if you are going through a tough time regarding the death of someone, or of any other context revolving around the subject of grief, and/or would like to lend your own personal experience to how you deal with grief to comfort others, then leave a comment. I'm sure someone out there, whether they choose to reply or not, is going through a difficult time. Thanks.


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## vanWinchester (May 29, 2009)

It depends where my grief comes from. There is different scenarios. 

If I lost somebody as in "a breakup", I do grief. Being an INTJ, we often end something if we know it is bad for us; even though we might have a hard time after that. I experienced that around May this year and at first it looked hard to get over. So I basically turned into "my opposite": I would socialize a lot, distract myself with movies and videos; and just do whatever I could to not think about it and to basically remind myself with "live examples" that life continues anyways. I was quite in a deep grief-state, but after a good week I was over with it. I figured getting into an "ENFP mode" would be a better option than sitting around and think about how bad I feel or whatever. I have an INTJ friend who was in grief; and she was not doing to well. It kept nibbling on her, even though at first she seemed cool about it. I did want to strongly avoid that. 

If I lost somebody close by "walking away" from me; I will grief as well. But as this saying says: "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it is yours; if it doesn't, it never was". 
I can not force people to stay with me; and I won't. All I can do is to try my best to make it work with them; and if some day for some reason they decide to leave, I might be sad, but I strongly believe in that saying and it is one of the few things I trust in. My life so far has taught me that this saying is true. The people who did matter always came back again. Until then I try to just trust this "universal rule" and to think back about the great times we had. 

If I lost somebody as in "death", I am not sure. Since I have been a kid I had to deal with Death a lot. A lot of persons around me died back then. I still remember clearly how it was. 
Most of the time I would feel "nothing". As attached as I was to those people, I do not fear Death, nor do I only see its negative side. Everything has always two sides, and Death is no exception. 
If the person dying was in some sort of pain, I remind myself that they don't have to stand that anymore now. If the person died "randomly", I just see it as a change (because that is what Death is to me) and / or basically a "piece of rough play that can be formed into anything". 
I have already lost my Great-Grandfather; some siblings; a very geat friend; my very much loved dog; my very much loved bunny; classmates; and a lot of other people. Plus, I have seen some people almost die; myself included (I have more luck than anyone could ever believe). Long story short: I have been around the Reaper a lot. 
If today one of my closest friends would randomly die; I would be sad, yes. But somehow I do like to believe / think that I will see them again. And the best I can do is to not forget them and to not make them be forgotten. I would most likely not even talk about it so much; I would just deal with it by myself. As weird as it sounds: Death is my friend, not my enemy. I know that everything is going to be fine. As much as I would miss my friends (specially since they are of such high value to me), they'd never be completely gone. Instead of thinking about how much more time I could have spent with them; I'd like to rather be happy that I was able to meet them and have such great times. They would not want me to beat myself up over it forever. They would want me to live on and continue my fight. And that is exactly what I would do. Always with them and the memories of'em on my mind.


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## Deagalman (Jul 3, 2009)

The most annoying thing in the world when someone dies is having to deal with the people who don't know how to deal with you. I wanted to be left alone. My advice is to leave someone the hell alone when someone close dies.


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## vanWinchester (May 29, 2009)

Deagalman said:


> The most annoying thing in the world when someone dies is having to deal with the people who don't know how to deal with you. I wanted to be left alone. My advice is to leave someone the hell alone when someone close dies.


Well, not everybody wants that. Some people like to be around others when they just lost somebody, so they can "stand it better". I guess that is called "support" or so.
But you are right; needing support or not; somewhen you will have to face the grief alone to get it out of your system.


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## snail (Oct 13, 2008)

Deagalman said:


> The most annoying thing in the world when someone dies is having to deal with the people who don't know how to deal with you. I wanted to be left alone. My advice is to leave someone the hell alone when someone close dies.


I agree that it is hard to be around people who don't understand how you really feel, or what you actually need from them. When my great grandmother died, I had a lot of trouble dealing with the loss, because she was my favorite person that I had ever known, and we had a very special connection that lasted from the time she first met me, when I was only ten days old, until she died when I was in my early twenties. If I had been alone at the time, I would have had a much harder time of it, but this differs for each person. It is important to respect each person's individual methods of coping with the situation, even if their needs are different from what yours would be. It might be a good idea to ask if you're not sure, and if someone says "I just need to be alone right now," believe them.


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## εmptε (Nov 20, 2008)

I was at a funeral a couple days ago. I hate them. People kept telling me I was being rude. Why? Because I did not cry. I was laughing and having fun.

I believe grief can be beaten. I try to approach it from all sides. I look at it as a challenge, and thus that gives me a tingly fun feeling. I look it from a logical standpoint and it seems useless. I look at it from a intuition standpoint and there are so many possibilities for it. I deal with grief in two ways. Stoneface  or Happy face


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## Deagalman (Jul 3, 2009)

Evolyptic said:


> I was at a funeral a couple days ago. I hate them. People kept telling me I was being rude. Why? Because I did not cry. I was laughing and having fun.
> 
> I believe grief can be beaten. I try to approach it from all sides. I look at it as a challenge, and thus that gives me a tingly fun feeling. I look it from a logical standpoint and it seems useless. I look at it from a intuition standpoint and there are so many possibilities for it. I deal with grief in two ways. Stoneface  or Happy face


 
I can't stand optimism. I'd be just as annoyed by you at a coffee shop or at the funeral. Out of curiousity, are you going to kill another family member to get a date with that hot chick who is family of the deceased?


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## εmptε (Nov 20, 2008)

:/ Nope : ) but that is only because A) I'm taken B) There were no hot girls.


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## 480 (Jan 22, 2009)

Things like funerals are for the living. It comforts some people to think of it in terms of some magical proceeding that makes everything better. If you say the right words, and everyone wears the right clothes... it's all better. 

To each their own, but to me it is a very personal thing, and everyone deals with it differently. My way of dealing with it is a bit like Evo's. If I can find it in myself to be happy... then I will be happy. But I wont put it on for show. Otherwise I just turn into a rock, and choose not to feel anything. Pressing me for something else just gets you anger.


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## ClubbedWithSpades (Mar 7, 2009)

Though the process of dealing with loss is very difficult for me, it's never lasted an especially long time. I haven't lost a family member in a few years, over which time I've changed significantly. But I imagine it would be the same in that I would dwell on it constantly, and painfully, but only for a short period of time.

As for dealing with people who have suffered loss, I would agree that the best plan is to leave them alone unless they request your attention, or to simply make them aware that you're available, and leave it at that. It's never wise to be assuming, one way or the other, about whether they'll want company.


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## Deagalman (Jul 3, 2009)

Bear said:


> Things like funerals are for the living. It comforts some people to think of it in terms of some magical proceeding that makes everything better. If you say the right words, and everyone wears the right clothes... it's all better.
> 
> To each their own, but to me it is a very personal thing, and everyone deals with it differently. My way of dealing with it is a bit like Evo's. If I can find it in myself to be happy... then I will be happy. But I wont put it on for show. Otherwise I just turn into a rock, and choose not to feel anything. Pressing me for something else just gets you anger.


I always reference "to each their own" when I mention serial killers to my ENFP friend. I hate that expression. It's the worst expression ever.


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## Deagalman (Jul 3, 2009)

ClubbedWithSpades said:


> Though the process of dealing with loss is very difficult for me, it's never lasted an especially long time. I haven't lost a family member in a few years, over which time I've changed significantly. But I imagine it would be the same in that I would dwell on it constantly, and painfully, but only for a short period of time.
> 
> As for dealing with people who have suffered loss, I would agree that the best plan is to leave them alone unless they request your attention, or to simply make them aware that you're available, and leave it at that. It's never wise to be assuming, one way or the other, about whether they'll want company.


 
I have a manager who has a father that basically dropped dead. I'm a morbid, cynical guy and I caught myself making a joke about death. He was laughing same as me and I pulled it back. I think it's that kind of crap that really irritates people. The illusion of normalcy in the wake of a shit storm is so much better. It's like this time this kid cracked a your mama joke on me and then pulled it back. "Oh, sorry." It was a good joke and seriously you don't have to be attentive to my family business if you are a friend I play poker with. Some things are better left said and played like they are normal, like everything is normal, even if it isn't. There is a lot of comfort in not making an unusual case of something.


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## 480 (Jan 22, 2009)

Deagalman said:


> I always reference "to each their own" when I mention serial killers to my ENFP friend. I hate that expression. It's the worst expression ever.


The thing to do here is be... rational about it... those of us who do what they do and want to be left alone and not told how to think, feel, or act are not all serial killers.

In fact... I have not killed anyone all week.


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## Deagalman (Jul 3, 2009)

Bear said:


> The thing to do here is be... rational about it... those of us who do what they do and want to be left alone and not told how to think, feel, or act are not all serial killers.
> 
> In fact... I have not killed anyone all week.


It's plenty rational. You can take any sick and disturbed individual and use the "to each their own" idiom to justify their actions. The saying itself should be debunked.


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## Linesky (Dec 10, 2008)

I'll basically try to get through the emotional part (I might even force myself to in case I'm hesitant, for the sake of dealing with it) and try to move on without making it hard on myself xD (I tend to get confused by some emotions and push them away, but when I actually deal with them, it goes really smoothly!). 

The thing I hate most is grief towards people who don't deserve it. For instance friends who have left you but suck so badly they should be shipped to another planet and get a new brain. 
I think the emotional part about that is the Emptyness (and rage) they leave behind, rather than THEM leaving. 

When my grandmother died I felt no grief, but perhaps because I didn't see her that much (though she was a dear one). The pain I Did feel was actually for my mother because I knew she'd have a hard time. But me? I was fine. Hehe. I don't mind her being dead, I hope that doesn't sound cruel. I just don't find death that bad. She's still there for me somehow. Memories keep people alive. And good memories are pretty.

Grief and exes... Hm. Well, it's both a loss and a relief really, a break-up. I find there is something very freeing about it, but it hurts a lot and for quite some time if you think you're losing someone whom you sincerely love. Surprisingly my grief leaves for the most part from the moment I realize the person is still there even though you break up..It doesn't mean they'll disappear... (At least for now..?) Which is really comforting to me for some reason. ^^ 
Plus hm, if you break up with someone who is actually kind of a bad person it actually makes you more happy than sappy over the long run. Regardless of the emotional closure that is being cut.
This could even count for someone who is not necessarily a bad person but just wasn't the right enough match on that moment. I mean, you usually break up for a reason, right?
Doesn't mean love is not there though.
Oh I could go on but I'm not going to . I'm ranting and getting off track. 

I guess once emotions and/or people get a place in your heart it's easier and you can move on to the next upcoming event.

If I know I'm gonna lose someone I love, I'd rather just deal with the emotions involved as quick as possible. Once dealt with those I can move on.
Every situation needs a different way of dealing with emotions though, and sometimes it takes a long time, and sometimes not at all.


I think grief just needs time. Let it pass. Don't push it away, but don't dwell in it either.



What do you guys think about missing? (less harsh than grief, but stronger than plain missing; I guess longing is a good word.)


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## Kysinor (Mar 19, 2009)

I would not attempt to repress the feeling if it happens. I would attempt to find meaning of what this feeling meant, but not for too long. I would try to find answers that would bring me peace rather than disturbance, if you get what I mean. 

I imagine that feelings are like a fountain. All feelings that exist reside as water in this fountain, each a little here and there with a different color, including grief. If we feel a strong impulsive of emotion the feelings rise up in the sky, like a fountain. The water fall back into the pool but not at the same place where it was before. In the process this makes other feelings move too and indirectly a part of ourselves.


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## 480 (Jan 22, 2009)

Deagalman said:


> It's plenty rational. You can take any sick and disturbed individual and use the "to each their own" idiom to justify their actions. The saying itself should be debunked.


Well... this has nothing to do with grief. And it is still irrational. I bet you have a high preference for feeling. Nothing wrong with that really... I might be a bit disturbed, but I'm not sick, nor am I a serial killer and I think people tending to themselves is a good idea... I do not think people killing others is a good idea... but that isnt really to each their own... since they are killing other people and stuff... but like I said... not a very rational argument on your part as to why I'm allowed to process grief in my own fashion.

It's my way, it doesnt hurt you, leave it alone.


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## moon (Nov 29, 2008)

Well, I don't know how to deal with it. Last weekend I lost a friend in a car accident. This is my first time experiencing death. Her wake was Wednesday. I came late, stayed briefly. It hit me when I got home. There's nobody here but my mother so I went to her house & let it all out. Don't really know what to do.


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## Kokos (Dec 28, 2008)

I'm very sorry moon,:sad: it must be very difficult for you considering it was so brutal and only a week ago. There is not much to do to deal with grief, let it go maybe... and everyone deal with it his own way.

This a very serious and delicate subject of discussion.

My uncle died from a Leukemia 3 months ago. And what i usually do ? well, i keep it to myself, hold it as much as i can, and i focus myself on the sadness of the people who are around me, this is what helps me get through it. I show them that i understand their feelings and that i am here if they need to talk and say what they have on their mind. That they are not alone in their pain, you know. Being there for others help me getting over the grief. What helped me a lot also is that i was able to say goodbye to my uncle at the hospital, he was cerebrally dead at that time, but was still breathing. I took his hand, hold it for a second that was lasting minutes, thought goodbye uncle and left the room; and he was gone. It helped.

I've never experienced a death where i am the only one concerned, so i don't know how i will deal with it.

When my uncle died, the baby of my cousin was just born, a strange circumstance. So i'm making her a little personal illustrated book for kids as a surprise for Christmas in the memory of her grandfather, more for her mother than for her. That kind of symbolic stuff ..


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## snail (Oct 13, 2008)

My employer died recently, and I still miss him. I lived with him, changed his diapers, fixed his meals, took care of him until I felt almost like a wife... He made that comparison once, and also thought of me as motherly, and as an honorary granddaughter, depending on the circumstances. Last night I had a dream that he was still alive and healthy.


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