# Breaking Away from Compulsive Attractions to Unhealthy INFJs



## rowingineden (Jun 23, 2010)

The truth of the matter is this: I tend to find myself attracted to the quiet, contemplative person in a group. It's hard for me to have any interest in someone who is well-adjusted, because... well, they're normal. It's boring. What is there to catch my attention? They're just... the same as anyone else.

I don't know how to break out of this habit. How do I start to notice healthy people, much less become attracted to them? And how do you talk to a normal person? What do you discuss? How do you approach them? It's rather easy with unhealthy INFJs, because they are rarely noticed or approached. They're just... glad that you saw them. Do I even have enough game to see a healthy person romantically?

Well, this was an insecure post. Cr-aaaap.


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## Willie (Aug 8, 2010)

Are you sure you've ever met an INFJ?


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## vel (May 17, 2010)

"Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you" - Carl Jung, one unhealthy INFJ, and as another unhealthy INFJ I gotta say I have yet to meet a "normal" person ... there are just people who seem to go through life without stopping to think about it, once you stop for a moment that's when the 'insanity' sets in


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## rowingineden (Jun 23, 2010)

@Willie: Yes, I definitely am. I'm not speaking of healthy INFJs. I'm speaking of unhealthy, depressed, anxious INFJs. I have this affinity towards them because I was effectively one of them not too long ago. I didn't mean to offend.

@vel: Sometimes people have been unhealthy and risen above that, to the point of being healthy and well-adjusted. They are still contemplative people, but they are not depressed/anxious. That's what I am trying to look for in a person right now.


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## Promethea (Aug 24, 2009)

For many years, I was attracted to only unhealthy intp and istp 5s and 6s for the most part. I broke the cycle when I realized there was a pattern in my dating. I gave another type chance (an infp 4) and it worked out so much better.


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## rowingineden (Jun 23, 2010)

I think I want another 9 right now, or a 7 (again, someone who is fun and will help draw me out of my shell), because that's where I think I am in my life right now. But oh! How I am drawn to 4-6s! And oh! How I am drawn to Ni! As far as MBTI type... I have a 90% preference for an Extrovert, 60% for an iNtuitive, 80% for a Feeler, and 70% for a Perceiver. (I like to describe things in percentages)


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## Promethea (Aug 24, 2009)

I'm drawn to Ne because they get me unlike any other.. 7s can be fun. I dated one once, but the extroversion started to annoy me, and rather than getting me out of my shell I pulled him into it. : P

Try a healthy enfp or entp maybe.. they are outgoing and can still have that Ne connection with you.


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## rowingineden (Jun 23, 2010)

Yeah, I'm actually thinking probably an ENxP would be nice. I mean, I'm used to keeping ENFPs as friends, so I might initially have trouble readjusting my mind to form a different kind of relationship with 'em.


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## Willie (Aug 8, 2010)

My apologies for not understanding the "Unhealthy" comment.

Anyway, if I where you I wouldn't base my relationship interests on personality tests/types. It limits your options and it might create a situation were you will over look people you can have genuine relationship with. Also, judging by your first post, I'd say you are attracted to unhealthy people due to a need to help them. As for approaching a normal person, I can not add any input for that because "Normal" is completely subjective. Though if what I say is completely out of line then I must insist that you tell me to "Shut up."


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## rowingineden (Jun 23, 2010)

Well, MBTI isn't really all that helpful in selecting a potential mate, except to know in general what sort of personalities I'm going to connect and relate to more easily. Mostly, it's put to better use in understanding someone you're already with.

Yeah, I do have sort of a white knight syndrome going on. I'm trying to shake it, I really am. I want to be with someone who's on my level next.


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## Willie (Aug 8, 2010)

Technically the white knight syndrome isn't a bad thing if you approach the situation in a "Business like manner." If you see a damaged or hurt person you can help them, but I would avoid creating some kind of intimate/loving relationship. It typically doesn't work out as I've seen and experienced first hand. Also, if you are searching for someone on your level I would hangout with friends who you consider are on your level, or higher, and try to find someone you can be intimate with.


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## rowingineden (Jun 23, 2010)

The thing that happens is at first, I'm just being philanthropic, but I just fall for a damsel in distress very easily. Basically, I have to approach my romantic life like I approach the rest of my social life, I suppose, which is to be selective about who I expose myself to, because it is so easy for me to forgive someone's flaws, become fixated on helping them, etc., in spite of myself.

I do usually hang out with people who provide my friendship needs, but as I think of it, I don't think any of them would fulfill my relationship needs as they stand. I guess that means I need to expand my social circles. Ugh. More to manage. *laughs at myself*

I just realized that I said I need to (a) be more selective as well as (b) expand my social circle. Not necessarily conflicting but also not exactly aligning goals, either.


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## Slider (Nov 17, 2009)

Me, too.

.....


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## Willie (Aug 8, 2010)

I think you're new approach sounds a lot better . 

Though I find when you look for love you won't find it, it's something you have to let happen naturally. Not that you shouldn't try out your new approach. If you don't know anyone you'd want to be in a relationship with then, by all means, expand your social circle. 

If all else fails go to eHarmony. JKJK I couldn't help myself.


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## rowingineden (Jun 23, 2010)

Yeah, you know they don't let homos use eHarmony, it's only for good Christian folk. I am allowed to sign up for "compatiblepartners.net" if I so desire. *rolls eyes*

Right now, though, I've got some personal shit to deal with. I'm concerned I may actually have a schizophrenia-spectrum disorder instead of the Asperger's I previously thought. Not like, in a dangerous form, just in a way that is a bit rattling for me (since I'm usually a very rational person) and makes social situations difficult to maneuver.


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## Willie (Aug 8, 2010)

Damn Catholics with there Saints, Saviours, and water which burns me. 

Well, you seem like a very functional person and I can't see you with any form of mental illness or handicap. Though I would like to know why you think you have some kind of schizophrenia? And why you thought you had Asperger's? If you don't mind me asking.


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## pinkrasputin (Apr 13, 2009)

LOl Row. Word to your original post. How about we make ourselves a deal? We will first sift our potential mates through each other before committing. So therefore if I tell you "Yeah I like them, Row! Go for it!" It should pretty much be a red flag to stay away from that person. And likewise, you can do that for me. 

I figure since I pretty much have had my head up my ass lately when it comes to picking partners and you might too, we can use that to each other's advantage. Deal?:tongue:


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## rowingineden (Jun 23, 2010)

@Willie: Uh, well, I have worked really hard on it over the years, but I've always had trouble with social situations. It's hard for me to understand what is appropriate and where the right boundaries are in a social situation. I don't seem to understand what topics of conversation should be off-limits, what volume to speak at, things like that. I also find it difficult to determine people's motives socially. I also hate being touched, I'm sensitive to light and sound, etc. I thought I might have Asperger's. (I've already been officially diagnosed with ADHD, too, but it is possible to have both autism spectrum disorders in conjunction with each other.)

However, social problems can also be associated with schizophrenia spectrum disorders, and I do sometimes perceive reality very differently than everyone else, and from an incident today, it appears that this may happen more often than I thought - pretty much on a daily basis.

See, I thought I was just a person who was generally not listened to/ignored in social situations, unappreciated, someone people tended to think was "weird" and would gang up against and exclude from stuff. Some of that may still be true, but apparently when I think I've said something and other people just didn't hear it, didn't listen, ignored me, what actually happened might be that I never actually said the thing in the first place, I only think I have. :-/ This I find very disturbing, because my other hallucinations are usually pretty obviously hallucinations or I don't like their attitude and so I ignore them anyway. In this case, I have no way of distinguishing these moments from any other. If this is true, I have to wonder how many of my other recurring issues or just anything I do in everyday life can be attributed to these neurological misfires. It's really scary that I can't trust my daily experience of life now.

@Pink - Actually, I've got tons of good judgment on hand when I'm looking at someone else's love life, I'm just Nitarded when it comes to mine. ("Nitardation" is "a retardation of Ni") Actually, it's not even that. My Ni keeps working fine, I just for some reason second-guess it a lot.


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## Willie (Aug 8, 2010)

Well, I'm gonna have to assume you're an INFP (Maybe INFJ). They typically think about something to say but ultimately don't. That might be another option, though you know yourself better than I do .

As for having autism and/or schizophrenia spectrum disorder, I am no expert on them but if you are self aware enough to recognize that you autism and/or schizophrenia spectrum disorder then I'd have to assume you have a very low and manageable mental condition. Also, I would seek the help of a psychiatrist before you focus on your love life. Being self aware of your condition and feelings is more than half the battle.


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## rowingineden (Jun 23, 2010)

Yeah, I am an INFP (though certainly not the prototypical or stereotypical variety). I never used to talk much at all socially, but now I force myself to, and actually often end up dominating conversations (especially in groups which are largely populated by introverts). I really have tried to adapt and work on my social issues. I do a lot better these days than I once did.

And yes, I've always been very self-aware, I've always had a mental health professional in my life and I've always needed one. When I was very young, I didn't actually talk at all unless I absolutely had to, and I would come home from my visits with my biological father every other weekend and I'd be very angry, crying, screaming, throwing a fit, obviously very upset, and I had no means to express what was going on. So I've been in and out of therapy since I was about 3.

Actually, I'm in sorta a funky condition now because I have all these factors piling on, increasing my disorientation, dizziness, fatigue, hallucinations, depression, irritability, etc., but even now, I'm a lot better off than I was even on my best day a couple of years ago. I'm actually overall a pretty healthy person. I may have a mind that's disordered, but I manage it pretty well most of the time, and the past year or so, I've been damn near normal, so, I guess I'm proud of myself and I do feel okay to pursue any romantic opportunities that may present themselves.


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