# I'm not emotionally attracted to women...



## JaguarPap (Mar 26, 2016)

Red Panda said:


> then fix yourself


The key women in my life have had borderline personality disorder through no possible control on my own own. It is no wonder my perception is the way it is.


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## Red Panda (Aug 18, 2010)

JaguarPap said:


> The key women in my life have had borderline personality disorder through no possible control on my own own. It is no wonder my perception is the way it is.


Well sorry to hear that, that must have been difficult. But you are now old enough to actively try and change that perception.


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## JaguarPap (Mar 26, 2016)

Red Panda said:


> Well sorry to hear that, that must have been difficult. But you are now old enough to actively try and change that perception.


Without going into detail I can confidently say no, but I appreciate your response (I can empathize with it objectively) but if you want to understand more please private message me.


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## Eren Jaegerbomb (Nov 13, 2015)

JaguarPap said:


> Without going into detail I can confidently say no, but I appreciate your response (I can empathize with it objectively) but if you want to understand more please private message me.


Wellllll maybe just understand that not all women have borderline personality disorder.


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## Eren Jaegerbomb (Nov 13, 2015)

Aeneas321 said:


> ...only sexually. Can't relate to them on any conceivable level. Thought I did once, but after spending more time with this person I found out I was wrong. So my best bet is to keep things casually and never get too involved with anyone. I mean, a platonic relationship with a dude is more satisfying than a sexual one with a woman.
> 
> Can any other guys here relate to this?


Now I'm confused about myself. Can I really relate to men myself or does it have to do with personalities people have?

Hmmmm.

I'm thinking this guy at work might be ISTP or ISFx, we have some similar interests but besides that I find some of the things he says etc is repulsive or just, disappointing. Even some of the stuff my brother and dad say is just like... No, just no.


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## Red Panda (Aug 18, 2010)

JaguarPap said:


> Without going into detail I can confidently say no, but I appreciate your response (I can empathize with it objectively) but if you want to understand more please private message me.


Alright. Feel free to PM me if you like and wanna share your story.


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## JaguarPap (Mar 26, 2016)

Red Panda said:


> Alright. Feel free to PM me if you like and wanna share your story.



I will in a moment.


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## atamagasuita (May 15, 2016)

Aeneas321 said:


> You do? I don't see them as objects, I simply don't feel a personal/emotional connection between them. I can relate and empathize with 95% of guys i meet, but only less than 1% of the women.


Because you're not a woman.


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## Fumetsu (Oct 7, 2015)

:dry:


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## Fumetsu (Oct 7, 2015)

atamagasuita said:


> Because you're not a woman.


Yeah, this sounds pretty normal.



JaguarPap said:


> The key women in my life have had borderline personality disorder through no possible control on my own own. It is no wonder my perception is the way it is.


Really? Every one? Specifically " borderline personality disorder" .... diagnosed huh? 

I could say all important men in my life have been bipolar abusive or crazy too.

I don't use it as an excuse to distrust, dislike, or dismiss all men. That it's my own perception means I am more aware of and try to curb them. All people are capable if doing so if they really want to.


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## Fennel (Jan 11, 2017)

We have similar problems. I'm not emotionally attracted to men... and only a little sexually attracted to them. They satisfy my intellectual curiosity sometimes and so far they're the only ones who find themselves attracted to me. But it doesn't seem like a deep emotional attraction either. I'm afraid to see them as objects for study or sex, but... can't help but be curious. Some boys have said they like me, but so far I don't see the difference between that and being friendly.

Platonic friendships with boys are great though. I find most people hard to read, but girls are by far, more complicated. They act like they don't want emotional or sexual connections... until they do.

Too many pauses for thinking... people really baffle me that much...


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## warxzawa (Aug 19, 2016)

well, there's hetero/homoromantic


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## Grandmaster Yoda (Jan 18, 2014)

I don't draw a distinction between the emotional and sexual attractions. Attraction itself implies emotion, if not gravitation of magnetism.

I do relate to one person and I find that we often have common enemies. We have similar issues and similar grievances with the world. I can say that I care about her and that she is well meaning in return. She doesn't like my friend because he can be obnoxious at times. So he stopped trying to get at her. She always reinforces what I think instead of trying to be a devil's advocate at every turn. I find that latter behavior to be useless. More like defusing a bomb instead of letting a man breathe. There are very minimal signs that she might like me, but I'm hardly aware of them.

When I became attracted to females, I usually did not know them well. They usually just teased me or were especially nice to me when I thought they were too good for that. Most were fairly attractive as well. But you could reason that it was infatuation, the magnitude of the attachment was too high. It was bound to fail if I were to do anything because reality was distorted. It amazes me to think back on those days. I hyper-analyzed everything they did, if they did something I tried to make fit into whether they liked me or not. Of course, none of them did. I tended to see things that weren't there and that meant amplifying the negative a lot as well as the positive. If one of those relationships became something, I would be on elated beyond any reasonable belief. But, unlikely.

My male friend asked me if I would date this girl the other day. A thought that never once crossed my mind. The option is on the table I say, because it always is. I never liked the idea of a friendzone, I'd rather be in the murky area of an undeclared friendzone waiting to happen.

Suppose all worked out well and she actually said "yes" despite my basic doubts. Suppose we were compatible and could last a long time together. Why would I do it? Pray tell.

Without the pizzazz, without the shorted out fuel of infatuation, what basis is there to romance? Careful analysis and evaluation? Seems terrible, especially considering how people aren't all set in stone or mathematically predictable.

I try to puzzle my way through little things she does to me that might have significance. She points out those cute guys. I don't mind this much, but could it mean something? Really how much meaning drawn out from it depends upon how I feel about it. Is she trying to make me jealous? I couldn't really say yes because it doesn't seem to be working. Though interesting, take a female I was once attracted to. If such a female were to do that, my blood would be boiling.

If your blood doesn't boil at the thought of competition, why do you even bother? It's such a slow acceleration it seems. Maybe you would progress to being the old grandparents, your rocket fuel didn't burn out so quickly if it even got you going very fast. But was it as satisfying as the world of infatuation and hyperbole? I admit, infatuation isn't great fuel, but it makes your ship sail a lot faster.

So why do such a thing simply because you think it would work? If there's but a weak emotional bond between two people, what stops cheating and treacherous actions? Nothing. In fact, I find it mind blowingly easy to create implications between three different people. I have no stake in the game. The risk is so low. For me, that is. A lot of people must have been heartbroken and I always hear people talking about ways to mitigate risk. Risks are supposed to be worth rewards. There tends to be a direct relationship between the two. I may simply be a high roller then who likes to play with low odds.


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## OrangeAppled (Jun 26, 2009)

Daaang, so much insecure attachment style in this thread.....actually in this forum...


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## SgtPepper (Nov 22, 2016)

OrangeAppled said:


> insecure attachment style


Can you expound on this. I'm genuinely at a loss as to what this means.


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## OrangeAppled (Jun 26, 2009)

Aeneas321 said:


> Can you expound on this. I'm genuinely at a loss as to what this means.


Attachment theory is about how we initially bonded with our caregivers as children and how this goes on to affect our ability to bond properly with others as adults, especially in romantic relationships.

Securely attached people are emotionally available, empathetic, open to intimacy, but also have a healthy independence.

The insecure styles vary, and there are basic categories, but people don't necessarily fit into one:

Anxious-preoccupied people consciously fear abandonment and unconsciously fear intimacy, so they chase and cling and smother and demand a lot, which causes one fear (abandonment - people push them away) but protects against the deeper fear (intimacy, plus the rejection is ultimately surface anyway). They don't display healthy independence, but are also self-sabotaging to actually maintain distance. Many stereotypes about women place them here, even though there isn't any gender correlation. 

Avoidant-detached types consciously fear engulfment from intimacy, but they unconsciously fear abandonment. Of course, if you never connect, then you can't be abandoned. Often that fear is buried enough that they feel they simply don't require much emotionally and that others require too much. They often pursue or accept shallow relationships that meet physical needs, but avoid emotional intimacy. They tend to pull away from people if it gets close. Many stereotypes about men place them here. 

Fearful-avoidant people consciously fear intimacy and abandonment, which is quite confusing. These people may avoid relationships altogether, as a strategy to avoid abandonment, but unlike the detached type, they may consciously yearn for intimacy; or perhaps they are very push-pull, showing a combination of the above two styles. This is often related to abused people, but I think it may also come from people who get highly mixed messages from early caretakers. 

Of course, guess who attracts who? Secure people generally attract other secure people, and the worst combinations of the insecure types will be drawn to eachother, which just comfirms their fears. 

There is a wealth of information online and in books about this. Whenever people have emotional intimacy issues, especially in romantic relationships, it frequently strikes me as being related to attachment style. Of course not everything boils down to that, but it is more of an "internal locus of control" viewpoint than "oh well life sucks" one. It seems to me people attract those who confirm their beliefs about reality. Attachment style is a deeply rooted emotional belief about human relationships, but it's not unchangable.


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## SgtPepper (Nov 22, 2016)

OrangeAppled said:


> Attachment theory is about how we initially bonded with our caregivers as children and how this goes on to affect our ability to bond properly with others as adults, especially in romantic relationships.
> 
> Securely attached people are emotionally available, empathetic, open to intimacy, but also have a healthy independence.
> 
> ...


Wow, thanks.


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## angelfish (Feb 17, 2011)

I think it'd be really helpful for you to have more conversations with people of unidentified gender. Gender is largely a human social construct - i.e., in our heads. Sure, biological sex, that's a little different, though also not binary. But gender is a spectrum, much gray area. Saying you relate emotionally to such a low percentage of women is strange because in the big picture women share a good 99.99% of genes and environment as men. It seems more likely that the distance exists more in your mental conceptualization of women than in some inherent difference in women themselves. Which is meant as no insult to you - I didn't really associate with men on a peer level until around age 25. Discovering that many men and I see more eye to eye than myself and many women has been enjoyable and liberating. I hope you have the same experience.


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## stargazing grasshopper (Oct 25, 2013)

Aeneas321 said:


> Can you expound on this. I'm genuinely at a loss as to what this means.


It always goes back to trust & respect.


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## Fumetsu (Oct 7, 2015)

OrangeAppled said:


> Daaang, so much insecure attachment style in this thread.....actually in this forum...


Please tell me this is not a recent observation.


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