# NOT KINKY MEN, what do u want/like/prefer?



## Ramysa (Mar 22, 2012)

What turns u guys on? What do u dream abt? What would u like to be done to you?

Know that:

- sexy lingerie (fishnet stockings, see thru lingerie, high heels etc) doesn't work
- blow jobs are nice but not driving mad ( assuming they're done very good)
- bondage is outta discussion 
- striptease does nothing
- anal.. not to be mentioned ( well, only in joke maybe)

So seriously.. what do u guys like? And are there many "pure" men out there? ( I don't mean like , "pure" = not having sex till married, but like " I like it normal and balanced( dominance/submission) and that's pretty much it" )


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## 7rr7s (Jun 6, 2011)

Damn, all the fun stuff is off the table!


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## Razare (Apr 21, 2009)

So, I'm confused what you're question is.

Generally, when I was sexually active, we just had sex.

I didn't really need anything more than that, but honestly, sex gets boring.


Blow jobs are okay, but on the other hand, my last partner wasn't any good at it, so I didn't even bother.

For me at least it's about what she would want to express to me sexually, rather than what I want.


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## Ramysa (Mar 22, 2012)

What if sex (normal) never gets boring? Just like that.. And yes, "all the fun stuff is off", what next? Is there anything not kinky? Anything at all?


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## dilletante (Apr 13, 2012)

I don't think it's kinky to explore a variety of positions. You can also practice a lot to increase fitness and stamina, which goes a long way.


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## Razare (Apr 21, 2009)

Different rooms? That's one that couples often try... but you run out of rooms pretty quick. Though, that does nothing for me... it might for an extroverted sensing type.

It's probably because I'm an INFJ, but the biggest turn-on a woman can give me is to express a deep wisdom combined with nerdy-knowledge in some specific field like computer science or astronomy. If her wisdom and knowledge surpasses mine, I get turned-on... but it's not really sex related. Yet if I had a partner like that, I might have enthused sex with her just because she had expressed those traits in a way that turned me on.

Also, part of the answer as a guy is that if I'm emotionally and physically healthy, I'll *have* to have sex with my partner and having it with them will be enjoyable if we're in love still. Maybe it gets routine eventually but boring was a strong word... it shouldn't be that unless there's problems in the relationship.


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## Catenaccio (May 2, 2011)

Ramysa said:


> What turns u guys on? What do u dream abt? What would u like to be done to you?
> 
> Know that:
> 
> ...


Sexy lingerie, blowjobs, and striptease are not kinky, I don't know any of my friends who wouldn't go for that. :-s (yes we talk about it lol).

Honestly if a girl is giving regular blowjob I would say any man would be happy. Not many girls are easily prepared to do that where I come from.


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## Ramysa (Mar 22, 2012)

Catenaccio said:


> Sexy lingerie, blowjobs, and striptease are not kinky, I don't know any of my friends who don't go for that. :-s (yes we talk about it lol)


Let's say that he likes sexy lingerie if it's simple , not "trashy" , he enjoys blowjobs but could live without and striptease .. well.. I'm no professional .. what can I say.. But could it be anything else? Anything that just doesn't cross my mind?


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## dilletante (Apr 13, 2012)

I prefer connection over novelty, emotional connection and attraction _can_ equal better sex. Sometimes just spending a good day with my partner ends in good sex. I personally never get bored with normal sex, but it is important that both people are achieving orgasm.


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## 7rr7s (Jun 6, 2011)

Don't forget their is the mental/emotional aspect of sex as well, also exploring fabtasies. Also, dominance and submission but that borders on BDSM stuff too.


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## Catenaccio (May 2, 2011)

Ramysa said:


> Let's say that he likes sexy lingerie if it's simple , not "trashy" , he enjoys blowjobs but could live without and striptease .. well.. I'm no professional .. what can I say.. But could it be anything else? Anything that just doesn't cross my mind?


What's the problem? You are bored of normal sex and want him to try something different, but he won't go for it?


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## Razare (Apr 21, 2009)

One of my friends likes the idea of costumes a lot, mainly anime characters.

Honestly, I would go for that too, if it was one of my favorite ones... though, I might laugh too because it's also as equally silly.


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## WolfStar (Aug 18, 2009)

I like a mixup of dominance/submissive. One person doesn't always have to lead, yah know. Sometimes verbal stuff is amazing. I'm not really into lingerie or bondage or anal or any of that but I still managed to have a boat load of fun. :B


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## 7rr7s (Jun 6, 2011)

Oh, and how could I forget DIRTY TALK!!!


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## Promethea (Aug 24, 2009)

@Ramysa
Some men aren't that visual, despite popular belief. Most of the ones I dated were, until I met a very complicated enfp guy. We went to couples counseling, where the shrink explained that "some intelligent, emotionally complex guys aren't 'pop-up guys' like the others." Meaning - it takes more mental stimulation to get him in the mood. A kind of foreplay in this case can just be to do something together, have fun, feel your connection.. exchange desirous looks, touches when the timing is right, build up to more. It is a little known fact, but some men actually need that mentally engaging thing like women are stereotyped to need. 

With the guys I'd dated before him, lingerie and tbh - just taking my clothes off would work. When it didn't give him that same immediate reaction, I lost my mind, blaming myself, blaming him. I thought something was 'wrong' and I even questioned his sexuality. Silly. But now I know!


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## saibot (May 21, 2012)

For the record, I feel discriminated against here!

*walks out crying*


One a more serious note here are some random ideas:



Different places 
Pre-coitus massage (there are even "erotic massage oils" that smell very nice) 
Kissing and licking unobvious erotic spots (the neck and ear would be those for me, for example, you have to explore a bit with each man) 
Dirty/Romantic Talking (whatever works best for him) 
Watching/Reading/Listening to something erotic together, perhaps even just sharing fantasies (has the added advantage of producing ideas for the future!) 
Creating atmoshphere (candle, music; again, you know him probably better than we ever could) 
Showering together 
Telling him what *you *would like him to do to you (this can be surprisingly energizing for some men) 
Handjobs if delivered skillfully can be just as exciting as Fellatio, it also leaves the mouth free for other things, like great kisses 
Watching the partner masturbate or outright mutual masturbation 
69, if that is not too kinky already 

As to your other question, I know some "pure men" by your definition, so they definitely exist.

I hope those ideas were not on the wrong side of kinky.


*Edit:*



Promethea said:


> @_Ramysa_
> Some men aren't that visual, despite popular belief. Most of the ones I dated were, until I met a very complicated enfp guy. We went to couples  counseling, where the shrink explained that "some intelligent, emotionally complex guys aren't 'pop-up guys' like the others." Meaning - it takes more mental stimulation to get him in the mood. A kind of foreplay in this case can just be to do something together, have fun, feel your connection.. exchange desirous looks, touches when the timing is right, build up to more. It is a little known fact, but some men actually need that mentally engaging thing like women are stereotyped to need.
> 
> With the guys I'd dated before him, lingerie and tbh - just taking my clothes off would work. When it didn't give him that same immediate reaction, I lost my mind, blaming myself, blaming him. I thought something was 'wrong' and I even questioned his sexuality. Silly. But now I know!


Preconceptions are the enemy! Fight them wherever you find them!


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## MyName (Oct 23, 2009)

So apparently I'm kinky now. :laughing: Anyone who knows me would get a big laugh out of that.


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## Rakshasa (May 26, 2012)

Games! Fuck my mind before my body. Competition. Playful fights. Teasing the clothes off. Then in foreplay and sex, scratches and bites, and dirty talk. Hair pulling.

If bdsm is domination then I want a sparring match.

Most importantly for the mental aspects of sex; NEVER say anything is "off the table." It's a massive turn off. Even if you don't plan on ever doing it taking it out of discussion is a turn off. I want my partner to be open to the idea. I'm shamefully possessive, so I never plan on having a threesome. But I'll be damned if I take it off of the table. It's putting a road block on your thought process. Killing your freedom.


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## kaleidoscope (Jan 19, 2012)

KindOfBlue06 said:


> Damn, all the fun stuff is off the table!


<3 <3 ​10char


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## ilphithra (Jun 22, 2010)

Ramysa said:


> What turns u guys on? What do u dream abt? What would u like to be done to you?
> 
> Know that:
> 
> ...


I'm going to go out on a couple of hunches here, so feel free to correct me if you think I'm wrong. Also, I speak some of this out of what I like in a woman... since my tastes swing that way.

It sounds to me like the guy you're dating takes a bit more then "Hey, look! BOOBS!" to get him going. Some guys just aren't like that and they actually like: a) romantic stuff b) mental stimulation c) both.

You can try using sexy but simple underwear. For me, the type of lingerie that you mentioned does nothing except getting me like this: :dry: ... and I know other guys that are the same. 

Using a "decent" pair of undies/bra with a bit of lace on them that don't show off everything may do lot more than strutting your stuff right away, at least in the case of your SO it seems. 
Ditch the see through, get some decent sized bra (or good looking, comfortable corset), undies, decent looking stockings and a decent looking garter belt (if you wish). 
This may have a bit of lace on it but that's about it. Remember that it's what he doesn't see that will have his mind wandering.

There are some guys that actually like things like the following:

- Building up the mood by going from simple kisses and touches to the "heavier" stuff. 
- Cook some dinner, enjoy some wine while lazing on the couch afterwards and build up things.
- Erotic massages.

If he's the intellectual type, you'll have to tickle his brain by showing knowledge and depth about something that interests you. Trust me, even if not some weird science or technology, the fact that you are knowledgeable and can keep a deep conversation about a theme can do wonders on a "brain guy".

Since you don't want any more... hmm... kinkier stuff (though, what do you consider kinky?) I will refrain from suggesting such things as having sex in the shower. :tongue:


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## redmanXNTP (May 17, 2011)

sparkles said:


> Do you know his MBTI?
> 
> Some guys who have more vanilla or simple tastes will respond well to feedback about what YOU like. If you like when he makes you change how you're positioned, tell him so. If you like when he initiates, tell him it makes you feel appreciated and desired. Don't go kinky with the language, stay kind of subdued about it. Think, "I like it when you do that," not "I like it when you throw me on the ground like an animal."


His upbringing may have a bigger impact upon him than his MBTI. I know it did with me.


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## sparkles (Mar 2, 2011)

redmanXNTP said:


> His upbringing may have a bigger impact upon him than his MBTI. I know it did with me.


True. INTP are usually very curious and experimental... ISTJ usually more traditional and vanilla. ESFP usually, well, no comment >


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## redmanXNTP (May 17, 2011)

sparkles said:


> True. INTP are usually very curious and experimental... ISTJ usually more traditional and vanilla. ESFP usually, well, no comment >


INTo Pudenda


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## sparkles (Mar 2, 2011)

Extremely Sexually Ferocious and Playful...


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## Kabosu (Mar 31, 2012)

Can't knock it if you haven't tried it & you could enjoy it lol.


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## pinkrasputin (Apr 13, 2009)

redmanXNTP said:


> Sorry, @pinkrasputin and I were at the donkey show, and boy am I sore! I'll take a look at this thread.


Sorry about your balls.:sad:


Yeah, "Not Kinky". This thread totally had @redmanXNTP's and my name on it.


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## Friday (Jun 1, 2012)

OP: This is your oversight committee speaking. We require to see the video materialization of this study which we have intellectually funded or it will be shut down. This letter was sent as registered mail and does not require acknowledgement of acceptance. Please comply.


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## redmanXNTP (May 17, 2011)

pinkrasputin said:


> Sorry about your balls.:sad:
> 
> 
> Yeah, "Not Kinky". This thread totally had @_redmanXNTP_'s and my name on it.


Yeah, you have to attract flies with rainbow sherbert, not vanilla.

And thanks for the ball-sympathy, but don't. The two of them are totally co-dependant and are looking for enabling attention. My approach is to just tell them to get to work.


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## pinkrasputin (Apr 13, 2009)

Ramysa said:


> No, I'm enjoying myself. I just wanna make sure he's happy. I'm a bit puzzled by the fact that he doesn't want more.


Honey, please focus on your enjoyment too. 

Okay, so I have experience with virgins and people I have to "open up". This is what is easiest. Go to any bookstore together. I don't care what section he is in, but you go to the "For Couples Sex Section". Every book store has this section. It has the erotica, etc. But you want the books with the pictures and all the suggestions. Open it up, walk over to him and show him. Look through the book together and laugh and be intrigued. Don't use the smut books. Really open the ones that are real suggestions for couples. 

Now, I have a great sense of humor and most people are used to me messing with them so this may not work for you. But I will actually find the kinkiest photo and walk right up to him and say "Hi Honey (he may be in the sport section totally focused on something else). In a matter-of-fact tone and straight face, I say "I was just wondering what you thought of this position?" and put the photo in his face. Usually any man will turn bright red because they don't see it coming. They might even take their hand and immediately push the book down while they are giggling. If they do this, I still act innocent and straight faced and open the book again and turn to a new pic "No, but really. Do you think it's possible to bend that way?" I also say it sort of loud and the guy will start looking around to see who is watching. And the whole time he is laughing and blushing because he can't believe what I'm doing. Hahahaha Usually they want to start looking through the book and it opens up a TON of discussions. 

It works even better if you can get him over into that section. Then there are tons of books and other naughty stuff to look through. You can even say things like "I've always wanted to try this one.." Don't forget you have needs too and he should want to please you. This really can make or break relationships. Eventually you will get bored if your needs aren't met and you've been so focused on his all this time.

If you want to have a really healthy relationship and would feel better about receiving outside advice so it sort of gets you off the hook, buy the book For Each Other Psychologists recommend this book because it really has helped many couples with communication, even outside the bedroom. This book has many suggestions and exercises that will really open the both of you up sexually. It's a huge aid in communication. Read about it.

Also this game: Get Nasty Gets you both off the hook of feeling awkward or suggesting things because every card is a new suggestion to do something fun and kinky. It can sort of be like "Hey, it's not me hon. That's what the card says.". The game is actually more fun than that because you're not really supposed to tell your partner what the card says, you're just supposed to start doing it to them. It really is cool and there are a few things you may not have realized that stimulates your partner's brain. It's not just fucking, it's creative. It puts you in a place where you are both open and learning. 



redmanXNTP said:


> Yeah, you have to attract flies with rainbow sherbert, not vanilla.
> 
> And thanks for the ball-sympathy, but don't. The two of them are totally co-dependant and are looking for enabling attention. My approach is to just tell them to get to work.


Sorry I didn't respond earlier, but my mouth was full.


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## Ramysa (Mar 22, 2012)

sparkles said:


> Do you know his MBTI?
> 
> Some guys who have more vanilla or simple tastes will respond well to feedback about what YOU like. If you like when he makes you change how you're positioned, tell him so. If you like when he initiates, tell him it makes you feel appreciated and desired. Don't go kinky with the language, stay kind of subdued about it. Think, "I like it when you do that," not "I like it when you throw me on the ground like an animal."


He is ISTJ. And I try to be as open as I can abt what I like and how. Also it can be pretty obvious what I like coz I tend to be loud. If I'm not loud or anything it's a sign that something is done wrong. So he pretty much knows.


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## pinkrasputin (Apr 13, 2009)

Ramysa said:


> He is ISTJ. And I try to be as open as I can abt what I like and how. Also it can be pretty obvious what I like coz I tend to be loud. If I'm not loud or anything it's a sign that something is done wrong. So he pretty much knows.


Oh. Go to the ISTJ section and ask this question. They have a relationship thread. A few of us have been keeping it warm for you.:wink:

You'll want to summons @Yardiff Bey because he is their sexual spokesperson. :happy:


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## Ramysa (Mar 22, 2012)

Friday said:


> OP: This is your oversight committee speaking. We require to see the video materialization of this study which we have intellectually funded or it will be shut down. This letter was sent as registered mail and does not require acknowledgement of acceptance. Please comply.


 Sure .. sure...


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## Yardiff Bey (Jun 5, 2011)

pinkrasputin said:


> You'll want to summons @_Yardiff Bey_ because he is their sexual spokesperson. :happy:


Hmmm, hmmm, hmmm. Time to start reading this thread...


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## redmanXNTP (May 17, 2011)

Ramysa said:


> He is ISTJ. And I try to be as open as I can abt what I like and how. Also it can be pretty obvious what I like coz I tend to be loud. If I'm not loud or anything it's a sign that something is done wrong. So he pretty much knows.


I say this based upon both stereotypical traits of his personality type as well as what you've described, but I'd respectfully suggest that he doesn't know. I mean, homeboy didn't get the "hint" of a beautiful woman wearing new lingerie inviting him into the bedroom. If that isn't a sexual Bat Signal, I don't know what is. What did he think, that this was some sort of business meeting? 

I would start being more overt, using words to tell him what you like and what you want. After all, you started this thread to get new ideas about how to do something different, right?


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## Ramysa (Mar 22, 2012)

redmanXNTP said:


> I say this based upon both stereotypical traits of his personality type as well as what you've described, but I'd respectfully suggest that he doesn't know. I mean, homeboy didn't get the "hint" of a beautiful woman wearing new lingerie inviting him into the bedroom. If that isn't a sexual Bat Signal, I don't know what is. What did he think, that this was some sort of business meeting?
> 
> I would start being more overt, using words to tell him what you like and what you want. After all, you started this thread to get new ideas about how to do something different, right?


 Well , I tend to play a lot, so prolly that's why he thought I am only teasing, not really serious abt it. 

And yes, thank you!


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## redmanXNTP (May 17, 2011)

Ramysa said:


> Well , I tend to play a lot, so prolly that's why he thought I am only teasing, not really serious abt it.
> 
> And yes, thank you!


Go get 'im, tigress.


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## Out0fAmmo (Nov 30, 2010)

pinkrasputin said:


> You'll want to summons Yardiff Bey because he is their sexual spokesperson. :happy:


Uh, what? No offense, Yardiff, but who elected you?


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## Ramysa (Mar 22, 2012)

pinkrasputin said:


> Oh. Go to the ISTJ section and ask this question. They have a relationship thread. A few of us have been keeping it warm for you.:wink:
> 
> You'll want to summons @_Yardiff Bey_ because he is their sexual spokesperson. :happy:


 I will, thank you!


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## Yardiff Bey (Jun 5, 2011)

Out0fAmmo said:


> Uh, what? No offense, Yardiff, but who elected you?


I have no idea. Hmmm hmmm hmmm. Must just be the "Ask An ISTJ Relationship Question" thread that I started in the ISTJ section. Which, thanks to Stephen, went reasonably well. Or maybe @pinkrasputin is just taunting me for some reason.

As for @Ramysa - this thread does bring up a few thoughts to me. Not sure if they'll help, lets go though:

How much time does your boyfriend have to himself to recharge physically, mentally and emotionally? If he's working long hours, plus learning/training, plus having someone who seems to be quite sexually active in his life - he might simply be running on empty. I know that when I'm running on empty, vanilla sex is about all I can manage. I've never literally fallen asleep during an erotic massage; to me that shows almost zero energy or physical/mental exhaustion.

An ISTJ raised in a very traditional household. If this is him, I can see that he might not "get" kinky in his head. Especially if you are the first kinky and experimental girl he's had the fortune to be with. In my case I had the good fortune to have a couple of girls who were experimental - I learned kinky. Not saying that this is the reason the way he is, however it might be a contributing factor.

Things for possibly turning him on:

* a lot of touch, be a little physical about it too (pillow- and tickle-fights make good foreplay) before becoming more sensual and intimate

* look into his eyes while making love - while it sounds over-poetical and very un-ISTJ-like, they are the windows into the soul - try to show your love and lust for him through your eyes

* while you make noise to indicate that you are enjoying things, us ISTJs are clueless and quite often do not pick up on such things - so when you particularly enjoy something TELL HIM - be blunt, even graphic, in the process, and don't be afraid to tell him that you want him to do XXX (perhaps even beg him for it, show some submissiveness)

* lead up slowly to trying different things - the erotic books by @pinkrasputin are a good idea, try not to overwhelm him with too much at once though

* slowly turn up the daring over time - sex in the bedroom, then in the lounge, on the kitchen table, out on the balcony or in the backyard at night, on the beach at night, in the bushes at the park, making out under the streetlights, etc - eventually you'll get him having covert sex with you in a public spa, however if you jump straight to that then the lack of comfort means it won't happen

* don't be afraid to bite and claw, and tell him that you want him to bite and claw and spank you

* be noisy during sex and let him know that you like it when he is noisy during sex - one of the things that I still have difficulty with is prior conditioning against making noise

Books. My favorite go-to is still Anne Hooper's The Illustrated Kama Sutra. Explore your erogenous zones with your lips, both his and yours (I particularly enjoy kissing a woman down the side of her body, slightly towards the back, under the ribs - the way some react is an education in itself). You might find that it is very much worth doing the Three Day Program in there.

Positions are good, take your time, only try one thing at a time and don't be too daring at first because he will need to be gently led to enjoying things. After all, you're going way outside his comfort zone. If blowjobs are okay-yet-not-mindblowing, try mutual oral: Sixty-Nine or Viennese Oyster (handy for bi-/lesbian/pregnant girls).

Hope that some of this helps.


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## sparkles (Mar 2, 2011)

Ramysa said:


> He is ISTJ. And I try to be as open as I can abt what I like and how. Also it can be pretty obvious what I like coz I tend to be loud. If I'm not loud or anything it's a sign that something is done wrong. So he pretty much knows.


Definitely tell him what you like then. They LOVE that. He may not want a special show but he does want clear expectations so he can meet them. The thing with the noise is that yes, it is feedback, but IME these guys respond especially well to verbalizing "I really like it when you x." They don't take action unless they know it is wanted, so if there is a hint involved good luck having it work as well as you'd like. They don't really do hints.

IME it works better to grab their hand and guide them to the bedroom than to walk in front of them dressed sexy. They really need it spelled out. They aim to please if you've made the cut. Yes there might be some wordplay there....


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## sparkles (Mar 2, 2011)

redmanXNTP said:


> It's more common with women than men, but often one partner can take great joy in pleasing the other partner even when they don't get off.


That's very true. Sometimes the appeal comes from seeing them enjoy themselves, and you get off on that more than on what they are doing to you. I wouldn't say this is more common with women. If you mean that you continue even if you don't orgasm then maybe that's true, but IME men tend to get much of their enjoyment from pleasing their partner.

But yes... I wish guys were not so goal-oriented about it. I've had experiences where I could tell the guy was hyper-focused on making me orgasm, and that just zaps the fun out of it for me. Orgasm is harder if you're not totally relaxed, and when guys do that it stresses me out. Not to mention if it doesn't work, those are also the guys who tend to make it into quite an ego blow. 

The worst thing a guy can do is what my ex had a habit of doing - ask me if I finished. Don't ask me that! If it is THAT important then I'll just take matters into my own hands to make sure it happens. :kitteh:


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## Yardiff Bey (Jun 5, 2011)

sparkles said:


> That's very true. Sometimes the appeal comes from seeing them enjoy themselves, and you get off on that more than on what they are doing to you. I wouldn't say this is more common with women. If you mean that you continue even if you don't orgasm then maybe that's true, but IME men tend to get much of their enjoyment from pleasing their partner.


Men REALLY get off when a woman shows and tells - with great enthusiasm! - that she is totally in to him. Just grab him randomly for that wild-monkey-sex. Be ultra-enthusiastic while giving that blow-job. Whatever it takes.

The memories can make even a "tired" patch great, and give the both of you some awesome memories to reignite the passion later.


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## sparkles (Mar 2, 2011)

Yardiff Bey said:


> Men REALLY get off when a woman shows and tells - with great enthusiasm! - that she is totally in to him. Just grab him randomly for that wild-monkey-sex. Be ultra-enthusiastic while giving that blow-job. Whatever it takes.
> 
> The memories can make even a "tired" patch great, and give the both of you some awesome memories to reignite the passion later.


I've noticed. :wink: It's fun making the guy see how into him you are, because that gets him more into it - and that gets you more into it. Fun little feedback loop. 

Not sure if you mean "tired" patch in terms of a tired phase in a relationship or the person is tired, but either way I'd agree. Showing desire creates desire and gets the wheels greased, if you will.

@_Ramysa_ - It is possible to see this (guy responding to how into it you are by being into it) with the ISTJ in your life, but you may have to pay very close attention. You'll also have to be the one to put things into words. If you spell it out for him, he will really appreciate it. And if you pay close attention you'll see it all over him, but it is subtle by some standards for sure. Example: if I wear something sexy, I might expect a man to just pounce on me. But with the ISTJ I might just get one simple, quiet comment of approval. Or he might say nothing, but he would show the approval. Either way, I'd have to make it abundantly clear WHY I was wearing it. The reason for that is that they hate to make mistakes, so they don't like to risk misreading intentions. So they err on the side of doing nothing unless there is no room for error. I'm repeating myself here a bit.

Another thought, along the lines of what others have said. Introduce an idea you'd like to experience with him, and work up to it. Some of those kink games that tell you not to tell the person what you're doing could backfire. These guys have to be comfortable. So tell him what you'd like to try - maybe even in a nonsexual context. Let him chew on it for a bit. He might even initiate whatever it was if you give him enough time.


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## dilletante (Apr 13, 2012)

sparkles said:


> That's very true. Sometimes the appeal comes from seeing them enjoy themselves, and you get off on that more than on what they are doing to you. I wouldn't say this is more common with women. If you mean that you continue even if you don't orgasm then maybe that's true, but IME men tend to get much of their enjoyment from pleasing their partner.
> 
> But yes... I wish guys were not so goal-oriented about it. I've had experiences where I could tell the guy was hyper-focused on making me orgasm, and that just zaps the fun out of it for me. Orgasm is harder if you're not totally relaxed, and when guys do that it stresses me out. Not to mention if it doesn't work, those are also the guys who tend to make it into quite an ego blow.
> 
> The worst thing a guy can do is what my ex had a habit of doing - ask me if I finished. Don't ask me that! If it is THAT important then I'll just take matters into my own hands to make sure it happens. :kitteh:


Yeah, I can see how it might suck to have someone hammering away, trying to reach the mountain top, when it is really out of reach. This is where telling them what you want (or don't want) is so important, but if it's a chronic problem, the long term viability of the relationship goes way down.


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## sparkles (Mar 2, 2011)

dilletante said:


> Yeah, I can see how it might suck to have someone hammering away, trying to reach the mountain top, when it is really out of reach. This is where telling them what you want (or don't want) is so important, but if it's a chronic problem, the long term viability of the relationship goes way down.


Communication is key, but it is nice when someone respects my boundaries on this matter and doesn't get goal-oriented. 

Because I don't gauge my satisfaction on whether I orgasm, that is entirely separate from how viable my relationship would be. If I put lots of importance on it, then I would see your point. But I enjoy the closeness, the connection, the emotion, the passion, the signs of pleasure in my partner - all independent of whether I have an orgasm. 

(Like I said above, if it matters enough I can be more directive and make sure it happens, but it still bothers me when guys try so hard for that. I'm not suggesting that I don't want my needs considered - I'm rather talking about when it feels like the guy is only focused on making me orgasm. Not all women would be bothered by it, but I think it sucks. It puts unnecessary pressure on me, on my partner, and on the relationship.)


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## pinkrasputin (Apr 13, 2009)

Yardiff Bey said:


> I have no idea. Hmmm hmmm hmmm. Must just be the "Ask An ISTJ Relationship Question" thread that I started in the ISTJ section. Which, thanks to Stephen, went reasonably well. *Or maybe @pinkrasputin is just taunting me for some reason.*
> 
> As for @Ramysa - this thread does bring up a few thoughts to me. Not sure if they'll help, lets go though:
> 
> ...


Look at the above. I'm "taunting you"? 

Or perhaps I could intuit you're the best man for the job and give a thorough answer.

You hurt my little feeler feelings with your implication.:sad:


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## perfectcircle (Jan 5, 2011)

If extra things are off the table I'd definitely try different positions--
and to keep from getting bored, show real enthusiasm so it doesn't feel like you're just "going through the motions"! Kiss hard, bite when you want to, and ask for what you want or ahem take what you want... be dynamic about it and keep the energy up. The idea of "getting into a pattern" would be a killer I think. And, possibly dirty talk, not filthy just like... well... 
:blushed: you get the point. Just show how /enjoyable/ it is... make noises, they like that.

but well... this guy doesn't go crazy for lingerie? for a good blowjob..? Maybe he's just not that sexual of a person then. Cause.. who passes up a blowjob?


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## perfectcircle (Jan 5, 2011)

Ramysa said:


> Other time I dressed up sexy in the bedroom and I came to have a glass of water while he was working smth on the computer. He saw me , said "what's up, beautiful?" I said back a [teasing] "nothing"


and slinked over to his chair and turned it around and climbed on him and straddled his lap and kissed him and started unbuttoning no his shirt and then ahem ahem ahem

and that's how it works.


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## SilentScream (Mar 31, 2011)

Ramysa said:


> So seriously.. what do u guys like? And are there many "pure" men out there? ( I don't mean like , "pure" = not having sex till married, but like " I like it normal and balanced( dominance/submission) and that's pretty much it" )


Everything you've listed above will get extremely mind numbingly, excruciatingly, tortuously boring because of repetition. 

You won't believe it --- but nothing turns me on more than an intellectual debate with my partner. I would love to take a heated debate into the bedroom and well ... I'll leave that up to everyone's imagination. 

There's so many shades of grey in a sexual relationship that if someone tries to define any kind of parameters trying to tell me what I should or should not find sexually appealing, then they've already lost me as far as my interest in them as a potential sexual partner is concerned.

Lastly .. I don't like the implication that men who are into "kinks" are somehow "impure".


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## Yardiff Bey (Jun 5, 2011)

pinkrasputin said:


> Look at the above. I'm "taunting you"?
> 
> Or perhaps I could intuit you're the best man for the job and give a thorough answer.
> 
> You hurt my little feeler feelings with your implication.:sad:


I very sorry.  *public hugs in apology*


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## Tyche (May 12, 2011)

It seems to me that you've tried to do what you can to figure out his fantasies and hot buttons on your own, even going so far as to ask him. Have you tried sharing some of your own fantasies to get him to open up? IMO, and I mean no offense, but to call someone your significant other but not being able to have an open dialog about your desires is a little troubling. So if he is hiding these things from you, you should try to figure out why.


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## e92 (Mar 12, 2012)

everything that you say we cant talk about... combined


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## Ramysa (Mar 22, 2012)

Yardiff Bey said:


> .
> 
> As for @_Ramysa_ - this thread does bring up a few thoughts to me. Not sure if they'll help, lets go though:
> 
> How much time does your boyfriend have to himself to recharge physically, mentally and emotionally? If he's working long hours, plus learning/training, plus having someone who seems to be quite sexually active in his life - he might simply be running on empty. I know that when I'm running on empty, vanilla sex is about all I can manage. I've never literally fallen asleep during an erotic massage; to me that shows almost zero energy or physical/mental exhaustion.


 He can come pretty exhausted from work. He is a manager but he has to be 24/7 available . He sometimes has alarms at 2 AM or 4 AM but no matter the time he must go check . He has days when he walks kilometers back and forth all day so he can check on everything. Other times he just sits quiet in his office.



Yardiff Bey said:


> An ISTJ raised in a very traditional household. If this is him, I can see that he might not "get" kinky in his head. Especially if you are the first kinky and experimental girl he's had the fortune to be with. In my case I had the good fortune to have a couple of girls who were experimental - I learned kinky. Not saying that this is the reason the way he is, however it might be a contributing factor.


 He wasn't raised too traditional and before me, he had a very kinky and very active gf. He even said he learnt some stuff from her.




Yardiff Bey said:


> Things for possibly turning him on:
> 
> * a lot of touch, be a little physical about it too (pillow- and tickle-fights make good foreplay) before becoming more sensual and intimate
> 
> ...


 Yes, very much so. Thank you!


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## Ramysa (Mar 22, 2012)

Jawz said:


> Everything you've listed above will get extremely mind numbingly, excruciatingly, tortuously boring because of repetition.
> 
> You won't believe it --- but nothing turns me on more than an intellectual debate with my partner. I would love to take a heated debate into the bedroom and well ... I'll leave that up to everyone's imagination.
> 
> ...


 Wow, that was harsh. Sorry for the "impure" thing. Isn't what I meant. I apologize for the misunderstanding. 
U see, English is not my native language and also, it takes me a great deal of courage to talk abt this, so words aren't really coming up they way I'd want them to.


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## Ramysa (Mar 22, 2012)

Etherea said:


> It seems to me that you've tried to do what you can to figure out his fantasies and hot buttons on your own, even going so far as to ask him. Have you tried sharing some of your own fantasies to get him to open up? IMO, and I mean no offense, but to call someone your significant other but not being able to have an open dialog about your desires is a little troubling. So if he is hiding these things from you, you should try to figure out why.


 We talked, I shared and he said that from his side... there is nothing more. Just like that  .


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## sriracha (Sep 19, 2010)

@Ramysa. I found this thread that could help you or clear up some ideas you have.

http://personalitycafe.com/sex-relationships/8758-sex-istj.html


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## Stelmaria (Sep 30, 2011)

redmanXNTP said:


> I just checked out your profile pictures. Your solution here may be even simpler than I imagined. Buy your boyfriend some prescription glasses.


:laughing:
@Ramysa, I don't want to burst your bubble, but the lack of intimacy either suggests that you two are not communicating/connecting on the same level (otherwise he would tell you what excites him), or there is something he is ashamed of that he is not telling you, or that your current level of intimacy is all you are going to get.

Otherwise, the person who mentioned he may be working too hard may be onto something. And he might be ashamed to admit that this is having an effect.


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## Ramysa (Mar 22, 2012)

rawr_sheila said:


> @_Ramysa_. I found this thread that could help you or clear up some ideas you have.
> 
> http://personalitycafe.com/sex-relationships/8758-sex-istj.html


Thx a lot!


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## Ramysa (Mar 22, 2012)

Snow Leopard said:


> :laughing:
> 
> @_Ramysa_, I don't want to burst your bubble, but the lack of intimacy either suggests that you two are not communicating/connecting on the same level (otherwise he would tell you what excites him), or there is something he is ashamed of that he is not telling you, or that your current level of intimacy is all you are going to get.
> 
> Otherwise, the person who mentioned he may be working too hard may be onto something. And he might be ashamed to admit that this is having an effect.



The thing is that we communicate a lot. We talk abt anything with no shame and he did mentioned that he wants nothing more. I just couldn't believe it. I really didn't thought that men might not want some stuff or pass on other. Now I know. He doesn't seam to be hiding smth , apparently he is just very demure.


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## Donovan (Nov 3, 2009)

something i've learned from relationships is that people are fundamentally different. no matter how "alike" we are, those similarities could just something our mind has turned reality into, and our "differences" could actually just be different ways of approaching life. the fact that you both are not on the same page sexually doesn't automatically mean there is a problem. his seemingly "unenthusiastic-ness" may just seem unenthusiastic to you because you're comparing his outlook to yours--this is an impossible thing to do because at that point you're comparing the subjective reality and experience that makes up that person's life to your own--maybe his lack of enthusiasm or whatever is really an "excited face" _for him, _but comparing his "excited face" (or whatever you'd like to call it/think of it) to yours, it seems lacking. in reality you can compare them, but it won't get you any closer to solving the problem. in some cases (in actual experiences, my own and others), this comparison, this reason or notion to believe that other's reactions should fall into a realm that is familiar and comfortable to your own can be damaging not only to the relationship, but to the person in question because it can cause one to question their own natural tendancies when nothing is actually, objectively wrong with their actions/whatever to begin with. 

(p.s., i haven't read every one of your responses, so if i'm "preaching" needlessly, then happily ignore me )


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## Paradox1987 (Oct 9, 2010)

Jawz said:


> Everything you've listed above will get extremely mind numbingly, excruciatingly, tortuously boring because of repetition.
> 
> You won't believe it --- but nothing turns me on more than an intellectual debate with my partner. I would love to take a heated debate into the bedroom and well ... I'll leave that up to everyone's imagination.
> 
> There's so many shades of grey in a sexual relationship that if someone tries to define any kind of parameters trying to tell me what I should or should not find sexually appealing, then they've already lost me as far as my interest in them as a potential sexual partner is concerned.


This all over. 

Sex is just way too nuanced, when people make assumptions about sex whilst in a relationship with me, it's kinda a turn off. It's so very context specific though, I mean if I were to have a one night stand it'd likely be for a different reason etc.


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## bengalcat (Dec 8, 2010)

I hope you are getting your needs met Ramysa. I totally agree with redmanXNTP about making sure you don't just obey the INFJ neuroticism and need to please at all costs. 

I'm sure the basic sex is good. As much as you make it sound like your efforts were all about trying to entice and please him only, it does sound like kinkiness and playfulness are just a part of you and something you need to express. Even if he is extremely vanilla, I hope he's putting in as much effort to give you what you want as you are doing for him. 

I was with an ISTJ who was pretty basic and vanilla when it came down to it, though he expressed more openness and curiosity than it sounds like your guy does. (Maybe your guy does feel like he's already tried that other stuff with his previously adventurous girlfriend and thinks that because it did nothing for him then, it never will?) I was naturally very oriented to trying to figure out what I could do for him, but in the process of doing that and in realising how much less he needed than me, I ended up not looking out for my interests as well, as did he. 

I don't know what it's like for you but for me... I need to play. Sex as just a straightforward affair all the time is soul-sapping. I hope that you're not only framing these discussions on kinkiness that you're having with him as being a matter of wanting to know what pleases him. If he really needs nothing more and is content with the status quo... then I don't see the trouble in making him work a little harder for you. 

The last thing is that tiredness and stress affect everyone, but I found it especially noticeable with my ISTJ. The most fun times we had was when he was really truly relaxed. It was pretty easy for him to have duties on his mind that would get in the way of being relaxed and open when it came to sex. I mean, he could do it still, but it was more about a need than about doing something indulgent.


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## Curiously (Nov 7, 2011)

dilletante said:


> I don't think it's kinky to explore a variety of positions. You can also practice a lot to increase fitness and stamina, which goes a long way.


This is so cute! (And I'm not surprised it's a sex sheet written in Japanese...)


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## Ramysa (Mar 22, 2012)

bengalcat said:


> I hope you are getting your needs met Ramysa. I totally agree with redmanXNTP about making sure you don't just obey the INFJ neuroticism and need to please at all costs.
> 
> I'm sure the basic sex is good. As much as you make it sound like your efforts were all about trying to entice and please him only, it does sound like kinkiness and playfulness are just a part of you and something you need to express. Even if he is extremely vanilla, I hope he's putting in as much effort to give you what you want as you are doing for him.
> 
> ...


Ehm.. he knows I'm a bit kinky and I know he is not. We talk open abt everything and he offered to do stuff for me but I don't want it like that. I really want him to want it, otherwise it's not doing anything for me. It would only make me feel guilty for wanting stuff that he's not comfortable giving. I am enjoying myself even without  . I could live without the "extra's"  . He's totally worth it!


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