# Demisexuals unite!



## snail (Oct 13, 2008)

I'm looking for the others.

Demisexual - AVENwiki


> A demisexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction until they form a strong emotional connection with someone, often (but not always) in a romantic relationship. The term demisexual comes from the orientation being "halfway between" sexual and asexual. Nevertheless, this term does not mean that demisexuals have an incomplete or half-sexuality, nor does it mean that sexual attraction without emotional connection is required for a complete sexuality. *In general, demisexuals are not sexually attracted to anyone of any gender; however, when a demisexual is emotionally connected to (usually in love with but sometimes feel strongly as friends) someone else, the demisexual experiences sexual attraction and desire, but only towards the specific partner or partners.*
> When describing demisexuality as an orientation to sexuals, sexuals often mistake it as an admirable choice rather than an innate orientation. Demisexuals are not choosing to abstain; they simply lack sexual attraction until a close relationship is formed.
> According to Rabger's model, a person who identifies as a demisexual does not experience primary sexual attraction but does experience secondary sexual attraction. In this model, primary sexual attraction is based on outward qualities such as a person's looks, clothes, or personality while secondary sexual attraction is attraction stemming from a connection, usually romantic, or from status or how closely the person is in relationship to the other.
> Though factors such as looks and personality do not affect primary sexual attraction for demisexuals (since demisexuals do not experience primary sexual attraction), such factors may affect romantic attraction, as with any other orientation.
> ...


I'm not sure that "personality" should be listed under primary sexual attraction, since it is actually relevant in determining emotional compatibility. Also, I suspect "status" should be listed as primary instead of secondary, because it is usually immediately noticeable and has little to do with spiritual compatibility.



> This model of the spectrum of asexuality and sexuality was created by the AVENite Rabger (under the username ~Forbidden Fury~).
> The model includes several new terms and definitions:
> 
> *Primary sexual attraction*
> ...


So, as you all know, I wouldn't even consider dating someone who was not demisexual, and when I have done so in the past, it has been accidental, because I have expected my partners to be this way, or to become this way for me. 

I don't necessarily agree that it is an orientation rather than a choice. For me, the orientation is based on my core values about non-materialism. Still, it is true that I have never been able to experience physical sexual desire toward anyone unless I was emotionally and spiritually attracted to him, and even then, the sexual desire has been expressive rather than aesthetic. I assumed this was true as a natural result of my considering materialistic forms of attraction objectifying and morally wrong. 

Either way, now that I know there are enough others like me for there to be an actual word for us, I'm going to try focusing on finding them. If I can't change the people who fall in love with bodies, and if they will never feel like they are doing anything wrong, no matter how I word my arguments, then perhaps the goal should be to find someone who has no natural instincts corrupting his desires, who won't have to struggle to override anything. 

If you are one of us, post here so I will know you exist. Even if you don't like me, knowing you are out there will make me considerably less cynical about relationships. Thanks.


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## tuna (Jun 10, 2010)

hey wassup snail o/

I only experience secondary sexual desire (and little to no sexual attraction of either kind), which I think puts me in the demisexual category.


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## Kriash (May 5, 2011)

I've wondered if I could be- but since I haven't really had any strong attraction to anyone, I'm not sure. At this point- I'm just going with Asexual, but it could change.


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## SilentScream (Mar 31, 2011)

OK .... so this makes a lot of sense. But I'm beginning to think that I've become asexual. 

My ex-wife pretty much beat the fun out of sex for me completely. I haven't had the urge, or desire to even think about being sexually attracted, or fulfilled for almost 2 years. I have negative responses to the thought of sex. Now I can't look at another woman without almost being afraid of what sex with her would be like. Sex became a chore, and love-making was a lot like love-hating. 

I wonder if a person's sexual orientation can go from straight to A-sexual because of a sexually repressive / emotionally abusive partner. And I also wonder if there's any such thing as sexual fulfilment through a mental connection alone? Since I now fear sex and fear thinking about sex, I've pretty much been taken off the market for any potential relationships with a sexually active woman ...


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## abitsilly (Mar 4, 2010)

I know how you feel at times I think I can feel the stirrings of something sexual but I feel I would need to get to know someone better before taking the leap from non-sexual to sexual. I can't just 'do it' with someone I have to know a bit about them first. Even then I feel it's only for their benefit that i'm doing it as it seems to take me ages to get to the point of orgasm. *sigh* still looking for someone that would please me fully.


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## Vaan (Dec 19, 2010)

I am probably a heteroromantic demisexual with Secondary sexual attraction/desire. I think i'm not so much an asexual anymore but i'm still really fairly chaste compared to most so demisexual. I really do need a connection to feel an attraction to someone on any level. And i would only have sex if its a heavily emotional connection and even then it'd probably be more for their pleasure :/


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## Toru Okada (May 10, 2011)

ITT: women


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## tuna (Jun 10, 2010)

Admros said:


> ITT: women


In your post: man perpetuating the stereotype that women aren't interested in sex and don't enjoy it, which contributes to the prevailing attitude that sex is all about men.


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## Toru Okada (May 10, 2011)

maybe if I wasn't joking.


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## Vaan (Dec 19, 2010)

tuna said:


> In your post: man perpetuating the stereotype that women aren't interested in sex and don't enjoy it, which contributes to the prevailing attitude that sex is all about men.


Yup it gives both genders a bad rap :/, but yeah he was joking so it's ok ^^


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## tuna (Jun 10, 2010)

Admros said:


> maybe if I wasn't joking.


Jokes still perpetuate harmful stereotypes.

I don't feel like arguing about this right now, though.


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## Drewbie (Apr 28, 2010)

Yay, demisexuals! I know a lot of them.
(I'm not one. I thought I was for a long time but that was without clear understanding of my sexual/romantic inclinations)


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## snail (Oct 13, 2008)

I'm just relieved that I'm not the only one, because I have, so far, felt like I was trying to fight the whole world by myself, and if there are others, maybe I can find what I need without having to be some kind of savior figure. 

I know, that probably sounds really judgmental, selfish and arrogant, but it isn't meant to be. Encouraging demisexuality has been a personal crusade of mine for most of my life, even though I haven't had a word for it until now. If there is some kind of community of demisexuals somewhere, maybe I should just give up and let the normal people ruin their lives rather than trying to rescue them and save their relationships by changing how they form attractions. Maybe it has always been futile, because the world is fucked, and maybe even with all of my idealism and determination, I can't make it any less fucked. Maybe even if I can't keep other relationships from being shallow and unsatisfying, I can still seek out for myself some personal haven from the fuckedness by making sure my own relationships are what I need in order to be happy and fulfilled. 

Let the normals get their divorces over stupid things like porn, one-night-stands with good-looking strangers, and falling out of attraction with their partners because of no longer loving their meaningless bodies as they age. I'm kind of considering just letting the world fall apart, and not trying to change it anymore. I'm sure that would be a relief to the people I've been trying to save, who never wanted to be saved in the first place. 

I just worry that if I stop trying, I'll become cynical and hopeless, and I will stop caring about other people. I worry that by saying "Just do your own thing. You'll have to make your own mistakes," I am being neglectful and doing the world a horrible disservice. It feels like a failure to do my duty as a decent, concerned human being. 

If I become tolerant of looks-based discrimination in relationships, who is to say how far my permissiveness will go? What If I start accepting racism or homophobia, which are essentially the same kind of evil, thinking in the same manner, that as long as I am not personally a racist or homophobe, and can find a community of others who aren't racists and homophobes, it's okay for me to let other people be that way without trying to change them? I don't know what to do. I'm afraid to stop fighting, but what if the tendency to objectify people really is an unchangeable orientation? What if this whole crusade is futile and the world really is doomed to always be a horrible, shallow, unloving place where nobody has any concept of what true intimacy would be like? 

I think even if it turns out to be that way, I'll still keep fighting for what is right, but I'll probably do it more subtly. I'll also start seeking out my own kind, which should be easier now that I have a better idea about where to look for them. 

Sorry to ramble. I'm thinking aloud, trying to figure out what this information means to me. It's a lot to process.


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## NekoNinja (Apr 18, 2010)

Judging by the definition, Id say that I fit into this category. I'm never attracted to someone until I actually know them, and have a connection to them, and I am often very unattracted to many people despite how they may look. Also I have always never seemed to have the connection to primary attraction or desire that most seem to have, and this has been made quite evident even throughout my childhood when guys would be discussing how "hot" a picture of some girl was, and I would usually be indifferent. Usually I would probably be thinking something along the lines of "I don't really know anything about them...." This is also probably why I have never really been attracted to (or really cared about at all) celebrities, unlike most people it seems....


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## Vaan (Dec 19, 2010)

snail said:


> I'm just relieved that I'm not the only one, because I have, so far, felt like I was trying to fight the whole world by myself, and if there are others, maybe I can find what I need without having to be some kind of savior figure.
> 
> I know, that probably sounds really judgmental, selfish and arrogant, but it isn't meant to be. Encouraging demisexuality has been a personal crusade of mine for most of my life, even though I haven't had a word for it until now. If there is some kind of community of demisexuals somewhere, maybe I should just give up and let the normal people ruin their lives rather than trying to rescue them and save their relationships by changing how they form attractions. Maybe it has always been futile, because the world is fucked, and maybe even with all of my idealism and determination, I can't make it any less fucked. Maybe even if I can't keep other relationships from being shallow and unsatisfying, I can still seek out for myself some personal haven from the fuckedness by making sure my own relationships are what I need in order to be happy and fulfilled.
> 
> ...


Well I agree and disagree. While i agree that relationships shouldn't be purely physical and that people shouldn't be coaxed into such shallow behaviours i also feel that it would be wrong of us to give up. Because if we aren't helping the problem then we are just perpetuating it. If we have the knowledge/understanding then it would be selfish to at least not attempt to pass it on nomatter how bleak the prospects are ^^

Personally i wouldn't encourage demisexuality. Perhaps i might influence it lightly in my behaviours but i wouldn't crusade for it ^^', but that is a personal thing and i don't see anything wrong with it so it's not really a disagreement, just a personal preference

Plus it's not about us finding our own kind it's about finding those with whom one can live harmoniously with regardless of their demographic ^^

But yes in summary, Idealism is a pure and beautiful thing so what is there to gain from embracing pessimism and it's apathetic nature?


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## snail (Oct 13, 2008)

NekoNinja said:


> Judging by the definition, Id say that I fit into this category. I'm never attracted to someone until I actually know them, and have a connection to them, and I am often very unattracted to many people despite how they may look. Also I have always never seemed to have the connection to primary attraction or desire that most seem to have, and this has been made quite evident even throughout my childhood when guys would be discussing how "hot" a picture of some girl was, and I would usually be indifferent. Usually I would probably be thinking something along the lines of "I don't really know anything about them...." This is also probably why I have never really been attracted to (or really cared about at all) celebrities, unlike most people it seems....


I relate. My only attractions to celebrities have been because of their personalities, and even those weren't necessarily sexual, because I didn't have any personal relationship with them to serve as the basis. They were just the ones I thought had the potential to be compatible if I got to know them.

(mostly people like Fred Rogers, Bob Ross, and Ray Bradbury)


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## Vaan (Dec 19, 2010)

NekoNinja said:


> Judging by the definition, Id say that I fit into this category. I'm never attracted to someone until I actually know them, and have a connection to them, and I am often very unattracted to many people despite how they may look. Also I have always never seemed to have the connection to primary attraction or desire that most seem to have, and this has been made quite evident even throughout my childhood when guys would be discussing how "hot" a picture of some girl was, and I would usually be indifferent. Usually I would probably be thinking something along the lines of "I don't really know anything about them...." This is also probably why I have never really been attracted to (or really cared about at all) celebrities, unlike most people it seems....


Yeah this is part of why i first thought i was an Asexual, some guys show me this celebrity porn mag and i didn't feel anything, it actually just kinda made me feel a bit sick because it seemed kinda shallow. Unless the person is eye catchingly beautiful then i probably wont react and if i do it will probably be from just intrigue until i can learn more about them.


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## Kriash (May 5, 2011)

I have thought that I might be Demisexual instead of asexual for one reason. In 7th and 8th grade I fell in love with my best friend, and began to have sexual feelings toward him. He did not feel the same about me however, and we just stayed as friends(he is still one of my best friends today, and we talk often). However, I haven't really had feelings for anyone else like I had for him at the time, so it is hard for me to say.

I am dating someone online that I really care about, and I would go as far as to say that I love her- however, because we are seperated by technology and physical distance, I don't truly know her, and she does not truly know me. Perhaps if we were to spend time together IRL and get to know each other, I could develop sexual feelings toward her, but at this point I do not have them.

I will continue to call myself just asexual even though I have had that experience with my friend in my past- because it happened a long time ago- and I am not sure if it still rings true today, because I have not experienced that level of love since then. However, I do think that me being demisexual is a big possibility.

(just thought I would go more in detail XD)


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## Space Cat (Nov 20, 2010)

It does sound like me, demisexual. I'm not really sure. I don't know if i'm pansexual either. I'm more exclusive and monogamous.
I'm attract to all kinds of people but it's not all the time. I still catch myself staring at people of either gender. At first i thought i was bi. But then i think i go more then that. I would be attracted to a bi/gay person too so i should be shot.
I've never been attracted to a transsexual so i don't think pansexual is the best fit.
I don't really have sexual feelings for someone unless i have the strong emotional connection thing as mentioned in the OP. I do still get attracted to people but in terms of relationships, i need to get to know the person first. I might find myself liking them or limerance but it doesn't mean i want to fuck them unless i start to fall for them.
For now, it seems like i'm a demisexual until i figure out something else lol.
Hm... it looks like i might find my 'gender label' after all.. o.o


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## TheOwl (Nov 3, 2010)

I can be physically attracted to someone without knowing what their personality is like. I feel like I can't control who I'm physically attracted to. It just happens. 

However, if I discover that the person has a bad personality by my standards, I will no longer be physically attracted. Physical attraction is also definitely strengthened as I realize I'm compatible with the person. I think most people are like that.

Is that a bad way to be?

I wouldn't have sex with an attractive stranger. It's not against my morals or anything and I don't care if others want to have sex with strangers, but I just think "Why would I?". If I'm not emotionally attached to the person, I think masturbation would work just as well. 

No, I don't consider myself to be demisexual, but I admire it in other people.


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## Indigo Aria (Jan 12, 2010)

Hmmm...I've had my sexuality shaken up again, after really evaluating what matters to me. I'm not sure if demisexual is the proper word, but it seems to come closer than anything else. Sometimes, I do feel a little lust when I see a really attractive person walk by, but I never feel the urge to do anything about it. I'm looking for a very specific personality (I don't mean the 4 letters), and I'm looking for the person to make the connection with. I'll be willing to have sex when they are...with whatever they are, and probably enjoy it. But I'm not really seeking sex at all.

Would I be crossing the border into asexuality, here?


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## Vaan (Dec 19, 2010)

TheLuckyOne said:


> Hmmm...I've had my sexuality shaken up again, after really evaluating what matters to me. I'm not sure if demisexual is the proper word, but it seems to come closer than anything else. Sometimes, I do feel a little lust when I see a really attractive person walk by, but I never feel the urge to do anything about it. I'm looking for a very specific personality (I don't mean the 4 letters), and I'm looking for the person to make the connection with. I'll be willing to have sex when they are...with whatever they are, and probably enjoy it. But I'm not really seeking sex at all.
> 
> Would I be crossing the border into asexuality, here?


That's probably smack dab in the middle of demisexuality ^^

Moreover that is alot like me, i can have lustful feelings but i really am not looking for sex (It's an odd double standard isnt it XD)


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## Drewbie (Apr 28, 2010)

TheLuckyOne said:


> Hmmm...I've had my sexuality shaken up again, after really evaluating what matters to me. I'm not sure if demisexual is the proper word, but it seems to come closer than anything else. Sometimes, I do feel a little lust when I see a really attractive person walk by, but I never feel the urge to do anything about it. I'm looking for a very specific personality (I don't mean the 4 letters), and I'm looking for the person to make the connection with. I'll be willing to have sex when they are...with whatever they are, and probably enjoy it. But I'm not really seeking sex at all.
> 
> Would I be crossing the border into asexuality, here?


Demisexuality is used to describe orientation that is halfway between sexual and asexual. Most demisexuals, by definition, experience secondary sexual attraction* but not primary sexual attraction**. You fit that, for the most part, and because sexual orientation doesn't often fit neatly into boxes you could probably describe yourself as demisexual. 

As for experiencing some sexual attraction but not desiring to engage in sex with those people, it could just be that while your primary sexual attraction is higher than most demisexuals would describe theirs to be, your primary sexual desire*** is low so you feel no need to satisfy it. There are also demisexuals with no primary sexual attraction to speak of but who experience primary sexual desire when they do become attracted to someone.

Demisexuality though, is a specific orientation that falls under the gray-a umbrella. If you're uncertain of your demisexuality it may be more comfortable to describe yourself as a gray-a. It also occurs to me that according Rabger's Model, which is the model of sexuality that I use, asexuality is defined as lacking primary sexual desire, not necessarily lacking any type of attraction, so you could claim to be asexual if that were more comfortable for you.

I suppose I'm saying, you're not conventionally demisexual, but could easily claim gray-a or asexual status.


*attraction that develops over time based on an emotional connection
**instant attraction based on looks/smell/other immediately noticeable information
***desire to engage in sexual activity for personal pleasure


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## PrinceinExile (Dec 29, 2010)

I was like this for the longest time, I still am its just if-y at times.


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## OwLY (Jun 12, 2011)

Before I evaluate myself and make a longer post I have a question of clarity.
Physical attraction is not the same as sexual attraction, correct? Recognizing beauty but not expressing interest in sexuality?


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## Kriash (May 5, 2011)

OwLY said:


> Before I evaluate myself and make a longer post I have a question of clarity.
> Physical attraction is not the same as sexual attraction, correct? Recognizing beauty but not expressing interest in sexuality?


There are people I find physically attractive, and people I don't- and I am asexual. Personality is the main thing for me, but I do see physical beauty as well. I'm just not sexually attracted to that beauty.

(not really sure if that answered anything, but I figured I would say it.)


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## Drewbie (Apr 28, 2010)

OwLY said:


> Before I evaluate myself and make a longer post I have a question of clarity.
> Physical attraction is not the same as sexual attraction, correct? Recognizing beauty but not expressing interest in sexuality?


Attraction that recognizes beauty without any sexual or tactile interest is called aesthetic attraction. When talking about the asexuality, gray-a spectrum sexual attraction is normally defined only as attraction that causes desire for sexual contact with a specific other person. Sometimes sensual attraction is also brought up, which is attraction that causes desire for sensual interaction, though not sexual interaction, such as touching, cuddling, etc.



(I feel like a walking AVEN dictionary. :blushed: )


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## Mello (Jul 13, 2011)

I'd consider myself demisexual, but only barely.
I'd say that when I become closer with someone, I feel attraction (lust?), but with basically no sexual desire present.
So, I'm basically asexual for the most part, I believe.


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## Indigo Aria (Jan 12, 2010)

Cruciferae said:


> (I feel like a walking AVEN dictionary. :blushed: )


Hehe, yeah, you really know your shit. I must say thanks for these excellent posts. 

And I'm glad you brought up the issue of different types of attraction. It turns out I'm not actually experiencing sexual attraction...it's some mix of sensual and aesthetic attraction. I was thinking about this today when I went for lunch with my dad. There was this new girl behind the counter that everyone seemed to think was just really hot, and I noticed some attraction too, but when I thought about I realized that it was the lost and vulnerable look she had all over her causing an emotional reaction rather than anything sexual. I wanted to give her a hug and tell she was doing just fine...not poke her. And she had the emo look that I've made obvious that I have such an aesthetic appreciation for...


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## PrinceinExile (Dec 29, 2010)

I've come to find like many other aspects of my sexuality my demi-ness and complex. I'm demi for females, trans, and andro, and average or cute guys but for hot, toned but not buff gay/bi/pan guys... I could careless about getting to know them emotionally (first) we'll get to know each other bodies and work our way up from there.


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## nevermore (Oct 1, 2010)

I find it interesting most people in here claim to be gender neutral.

Whilst not "demisexual", my sex drive isn't very high, and I do find myself sexually attracted to people I was not before because I have fallen in love with them. But as The Owl said, that is pretty standard...I think. Also I can't even masturbate without placing it in some emotional context, but it doesn't need to be very developed. I would certainly not ever consider a one night stand...just isn't for me. I crave a relationship first and foremost. But I would be able to have sex without an emotional connection, and my eyes naturally drift sexually to people I don't have any connection like this with (though as soon as fantasies form, an idealized relationship tends to).


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## Nienna (Jun 22, 2011)

Uh... sorry for ressurecting, but thanks for posting this!

I didn't know the term existed, but reading the article, I think I can consider myself as a demisexual.

Thinking back then, I guess it has always been innate rather than a choice, although I thought my sexuality was just a reflex of my romantic ideals. 

But now, thinking about it, I see it's not quite the case, for I always felt kinda alien for not having the hots for random good looking people as everyone else around me, and I knew I wasn't really asexual, so I confused it as low sex drive. And sometimes I wished it was higher so I would have a "healthy sexual appetite", like them. :mellow:

Hmm... I guess it's not necessary to me for my partner to be also a demisexual. The people I've had some intimacy all strongly experienced primary sexual attraction. As long as I'm secure about their feelings, it doesn't bother me. On the contrary, it flatters me.


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## twoofthree (Aug 6, 2011)

snail said:


> I'm looking for the others.
> 
> Demisexual - AVENwiki
> 
> ...


WTF is all this?! You're not talking about a sexuality, if it's something you can change or be talked out of.

What makes you think that your way is the only true way and that others need to change. People should be able to do what makes sense to them, not what makes sense to you.



PrinceinExile said:


> I've come to find like many other aspects of my sexuality my demi-ness and complex. I'm demi for females, trans, and andro, and average or cute guys but for hot, toned but not buff gay/bi/pan guys... I could careless about getting to know them emotionally (first) we'll get to know each other bodies and work our way up from there.


You might be on to something here. . .
I think I'm demi with some types but not for others. . .


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## snail (Oct 13, 2008)

twoofthree said:


> WTF is all this?! You're not talking about a sexuality, if it's something you can change or be talked out of.
> 
> What makes you think that your way is the only true way and that others need to change. People should be able to do what makes sense to them, not what makes sense to you.
> 
> ...


Well, I'm not convinced that this is an actual sexuality. I'm not convinced that people can't change. I think that it is at least partly a moral choice, and that it is a spiritual flaw to be sexually materialistic, but it isn't one that I have to struggle to overcome. I assumed my not experiencing superficial attraction was because of my values, which shaped my experiences to be what they are, although it could be that my experience of not being superficially attracted to people only made it easier for me to form such values and live up to them. I'm not sure which came first. Maybe both the predisposition to be demisexual and the moral values against non-demisexuality were always part of who I was, as soon as my soul was conscious, but either way, I definitely believe that non-demisexuality is a form of evil that is similar to other kinds of discriminatory behavior, and that it should be treated as such.

To clarify, it has to be the only right way, based on my beliefs about the nature of reality. In order to believe otherwise, I would have to believe in an entirely alien paradigm that I cannot believe in, based on all of my reasoning and experiences. I believe that non-demisexuality is evil because of several basic truths that form the foundation for my understanding of morality.

1. There is an objective moral truth.
2. People are spiritual essences. 
3. Bodies are meaningless objects that our essences use to interact in potentially meaningful ways.
4. Meaning comes from intent, and only applies to acts of will.
5. In order for a product, behavior or thought to be spiritually meaningful, a person must have the ability to control that product, behavior or thought.
6. A person's worth is determined by his/her spiritually meaningful choices and values.
7. Materialism is something a person chooses.
8. Materialism is a spiritually meaningful choice with negative value.
9. Spiritual goodness requires the existence of both truth and love.
10. Sexual materialism violates love because it denies a person's value.
11. Sexual materialism violates love because it is selfish and hedonistic.
12. Sexual materialism violates truth because it involves inaccurate priorities that undermine love.
13. Looks-based sexual discrimination is the act of applying materialism to a person as though the body (an object) was an indicator of his/her worth.
14. Looks-based sexual discrimination is the act of devaluing a person's spiritual essence, as though his/her spiritually meaningful choices and values were not sufficient indicators of worth.

I'm not sure which of these beliefs causes so much disagreement, but everywhere I mention this topic, it has become normal for me to have to defend it against people who advocate superficial attraction, who say things like:

"Everyone knows this is how it is, and if they claim otherwise, they are deceiving themselves." (appeal to popularity) 

"Everyone does it." (appeal to common practice)

"It is how things have been all through human history, and it can't be changed." (appeal to tradition) 

"It is natural, so it must still have a positive evolutionary purpose" (naturalistic fallacy), 

"That may be true for you, but who are you to decide what is objectively morally true for others?" (relativist fallacy). 

"You only feel that way because you are ugly." (circumstantial ad hominem)


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## Bast (Mar 23, 2011)

I'd guess I consider myself Grey-A, which is similar to being demisexual. I can't remember ever feeling sexually attracted to someone in a "wow look at them, I want to jump them!" kind of way, which I never thought was odd until I realized that most other people DO feel that sometimes. I can tell when someone is attractive / pretty / handsome / beautiful / etc., but I don't really know what "hot" or "sexy" means. I don't know if my feeling this way is "inborn" or if it's because of some medications that I've been on for the great majority of my life, but either way that's how I am right now and I have to deal with it. 

To be honest, a lot of times I really wish that I felt "normal", but... eh. It's such a cliche, but I honestly think that maybe I haven't met the "right person" yet to sort of "trigger" me hahaha. Whatever.


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## OwLY (Jun 12, 2011)

Bast said:


> I'd guess I consider myself Grey-A, which is similar to being demisexual. I can't remember ever feeling sexually attracted to someone in a "wow look at them, I want to jump them!" kind of way, which I never thought was odd until I realized that most other people DO feel that sometimes.* I can tell when someone is attractive / pretty / handsome / beautiful / etc., but I don't really know what "hot" or "sexy" means. *I don't know if my feeling this way is "inborn" or if it's because of some medications that I've been on for the great majority of my life, but either way that's how I am right now and I have to deal with it.
> 
> To be honest, a lot of times I really wish that I felt "normal", but... eh. It's such a cliche, but I honestly think that maybe I haven't met the "right person" yet to sort of "trigger" me hahaha. Whatever.


Yeah, it sounds like demisexuality to me. What you said that I bolded above is the difference between physical attraction and sexual attraction, and I can relate to how you feel. I never really knew what sexual attraction was when I was growing up, and the rush of strange hormones that puberty brings was pretty confusing. I always thought I was sexually attracted to someone, but it was really only physical, and the difference is big. Now however, I do know what sexual attraction feels like because it is an entirely different feeling that I wasn't used to. I did not get this feeling for this specific person until after the initial physical and emotional attractions were felt, and exactly like the definition of demisexuality states, the sexual attraction/desire were secondary.

Don't you dare conform to what is considered "normal," you will only make yourself unhappy. I wish you best of luck in figuring yourself out.


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## snail (Oct 13, 2008)

Cruciferae said:


> Attraction that recognizes beauty without any sexual or tactile interest is called aesthetic attraction. When talking about the asexuality, gray-a spectrum sexual attraction is normally defined only as attraction that causes desire for sexual contact with a specific other person. Sometimes sensual attraction is also brought up, which is attraction that causes desire for sensual interaction, though not sexual interaction, such as touching, cuddling, etc.
> 
> 
> 
> (I feel like a walking AVEN dictionary. :blushed: )


That is interesting. I hadn't really considered the "sensual attraction" thing as distinct from sexual attraction, but now that you mention it, my current unrequited crush, on a close friend who understands me deeply, is a semi-romantic and sensual attraction without being sexual or aesthetic. I have had sexual crushes on other people which were, likewise, not aesthetic, and those felt entirely different. 

Perhaps this has to do with the sexual orientations of the individuals, although I am uncertain if that is what causes the difference, since my very first crush was on an effeminate straight boy, and was not a sexual crush. It was the kind of crush where I wanted to talk intimately and do fun things together, and just hug a lot to express the connection, which is exactly how I feel about my current crush. He does not share any kind of romantic attraction. He might not know the details of my feelings, which are confusing and irrelevant, but has allowed me, on occasion, to experience prolonged non-sexual hugs, so that this desire was at least mostly fulfilled. Those experiences left me in a profoundly blissful state. 



Does the fact that the feelings are corrupted rather than enhanced when I try to imagine sex make it a simple friend crush? I definitely get everything I need from the friendship without wanting to push it into sexual territory, although I do have a very strong desire to cuddle in ways that might be awkward in a non-sexual context, and which could easily cross that line without it seeming entirely unnatural from my perspective. (It would likely be uncomfortable from his perspective, though.) 

The feelings are intense enough that I think of it as a crush, even though there is nothing perverted or dark about it. It is more like the innocent feeling of happy connectedness I felt with family members as a very young child when curled up in their laps, but as an adult, it is extremely rare to find a socially acceptable non-sexual way to get back to that feeling. I'm not exactly sure how to classify it. I like it, though.


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## Bast (Mar 23, 2011)

OwLY said:


> Yeah, it sounds like demisexuality to me. What you said that I bolded above is the difference between physical attraction and sexual attraction, and I can relate to how you feel. I never really knew what sexual attraction was when I was growing up, and the rush of strange hormones that puberty brings was pretty confusing. I always thought I was sexually attracted to someone, but it was really only physical, and the difference is big. Now however, I do know what sexual attraction feels like because it is an entirely different feeling that I wasn't used to. I did not get this feeling for this specific person until after the initial physical and emotional attractions were felt, and exactly like the definition of demisexuality states, the sexual attraction/desire were secondary.
> 
> Don't you dare conform to what is considered "normal," you will only make yourself unhappy. I wish you best of luck in figuring yourself out.


Thanks for your kind words. I hope I can figure myself out soon, too. I guess I don't necessarily want to be "normal", but... it'd sure help me understand what everyone gets so worked up about LOL! It'd also help me fend off the seemingly endless stream of people who constantly ask me why I'm not dating... :sad:


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## Waiting (Jul 10, 2011)

ya this is pretty much me.


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## Drewbie (Apr 28, 2010)

snail said:


> That is interesting. I hadn't really considered the "sensual attraction" thing as distinct from sexual attraction, but now that you mention it, my current unrequited crush, on a close friend who understands me deeply, is a semi-romantic and sensual attraction without being sexual or aesthetic. I have had sexual crushes on other people which were, likewise, not aesthetic, and those felt entirely different.
> 
> Perhaps this has to do with the sexual orientations of the individuals, although I am uncertain if that is what causes the difference, since my very first crush was on an effeminate straight boy, and was not a sexual crush. It was the kind of crush where I wanted to talk intimately and do fun things together, and just hug a lot to express the connection, which is exactly how I feel about my current crush. He does not share any kind of romantic attraction. He might not know the details of my feelings, which are confusing and irrelevant, but has allowed me, on occasion, to experience prolonged non-sexual hugs, so that this desire was at least mostly fulfilled. Those experiences left me in a profoundly blissful state.
> 
> ...


It is completely possible to have crush on someone without wanting a sexual relationship. Romance ≠ sex ≠ intimacy. They overlay for a lot of people but they don't have to. I have a relationship that sounds similar to the crush you describe, though I'm aromantic and wouldn't call it a crush. My best friend and I have a very intimate relationship. I care for him as something much deeper than a friend and our relationship is intense and satisfying, I call him my husband and even though I'm not 'in love' with him or interested in him sexually I would, without hesitation, spend the rest of my life with him. People misunderstand our relationship constantly because it is unusual to find people in a relationship as intimate as ours without it being sexual or romantic but even without a proper name it's just as legitimate as any other relationship.


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## Bast (Mar 23, 2011)

Cruciferae said:


> It is completely possible to have crush on someone without wanting a sexual relationship. Romance ≠ sex ≠ intimacy. They overlay for a lot of people but they don't have to. I have a relationship that sounds similar to the crush you describe, though I'm aromantic and wouldn't call it a crush. My best friend and I have a very intimate relationship. I care for him as something much deeper than a friend and our relationship is intense and satisfying, I call him my husband and even though I'm not 'in love' with him or interested in him sexually I would, without hesitation, spend the rest of my life with him. People misunderstand our relationship constantly because it is unusual to find people in a relationship as intimate as ours without it being sexual or romantic but even without a proper name it's just as legitimate as any other relationship.


I think that sounds like a lovely relationship that anyone would be lucky to have


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## Drewbie (Apr 28, 2010)

Bast said:


> I think that sounds like a lovely relationship that anyone would be lucky to have


I really am fortunate to have him in my life. :happy:


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## OwLY (Jun 12, 2011)

snail said:


> Does the fact that the feelings are corrupted rather than enhanced when I try to imagine sex make it a simple friend crush? I definitely get everything I need from the friendship without wanting to push it into sexual territory, although I do have a very strong desire to cuddle in ways that might be awkward in a non-sexual context, and which could easily cross that line without it seeming entirely unnatural from my perspective. (It would likely be uncomfortable from his perspective, though.)
> 
> The feelings are intense enough that I think of it as a crush, even though there is nothing perverted or dark about it. It is more like the innocent feeling of happy connectedness I felt with family members as a very young child when curled up in their laps, but as an adult, it is extremely rare to find a socially acceptable non-sexual way to get back to that feeling. I'm not exactly sure how to classify it. I like it, though.


This sounds to me as if you have a romantic friendship going on. Wikipedia is such a wonderful thing for discovering this kind of thing.



Bast said:


> Thanks for your kind words. I hope I can figure myself out soon, too. I guess I don't necessarily want to be "normal", but... it'd sure help me understand what everyone gets so worked up about LOL! It'd also help me fend off the seemingly endless stream of people who constantly ask me why I'm not dating... :sad:


Funny Comebacks to "Why are you still single?"



Cruciferae said:


> It is completely possible to have crush on someone without wanting a sexual relationship. Romance ≠ sex ≠ intimacy. They overlay for a lot of people but they don't have to. I have a relationship that sounds similar to the crush you describe, though I'm aromantic and wouldn't call it a crush. My best friend and I have a very intimate relationship. I care for him as something much deeper than a friend and our relationship is intense and satisfying, I call him my husband and even though I'm not 'in love' with him or interested in him sexually I would, without hesitation, spend the rest of my life with him. People misunderstand our relationship constantly because it is unusual to find people in a relationship as intimate as ours without it being sexual or romantic but even without a proper name it's just as legitimate as any other relationship.


I don't it to sound like I'm labeling you or anything, but it sounds kind of like aromantic pansexuality. I have a really close pansexual friend, I love hearing her perspective on love, it's so different.


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## tierranranfar (Feb 10, 2011)

I've never been in love, so I'm not sure if I'm demisexual or just plain asexual... I'm not repulsed by sex, and I would, theoretically, like to have sex with a long term partner, but I've never been in the situation... so I guess I'll get back to you!


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## Drewbie (Apr 28, 2010)

OwLY said:


> I don't it to sound like I'm labeling you or anything, but it sounds kind of like aromantic pansexuality. I have a really close pansexual friend, I love hearing her perspective on love, it's so different.


I identify as an aromantic polysexual so you're not far off. :tongue:


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## twoofthree (Aug 6, 2011)

snail said:


> Well, I'm not convinced that this is an actual sexuality. I'm not convinced that people can't change. I think that it is at least partly a moral choice, and that it is a *spiritual flaw* to be sexually materialistic, but it isn't one that I have to struggle to overcome. I assumed my not experiencing superficial attraction was because of my values, which shaped my experiences to be what they are, although it could be that my experience of not being superficially attracted to people only made it easier for me to form such values and live up to them. I'm not sure which came first. Maybe both the predisposition to be demisexual and the moral values against non-demisexuality were always part of who I was, as soon as my soul was conscious, but either way, I definitely believe that *non-demisexuality is a form of evil* that is similar to other kinds of discriminatory behavior, and that it should be treated as such.
> 
> To clarify, it has to be the only right way, based on my beliefs about the nature of reality. In order to believe otherwise, I would have to believe in an entirely alien paradigm that *I cannot believe in, based on all of my reasoning and experiences. I believe that non-demisexuality is evil because of several basic truths that form the foundation for my understanding of morality.*
> 
> ...


The reason you will always have to defend your beliefs is a direct result of your first belief -morals are objective - in conjunction with the fact that you think your way is the only true way and that every one else is *flawed* and *evil*.

You cannot accept that others can have their *own* reasoning and experiences which may differ from yours. So naturally their foundations are different and so they have different conclusions about what is and isn't *evil*.

But you think you're the only one with *the truth* or perhaps only your reasoning and experiences count.

You've even said "I assumed my not experiencing superficial attraction was because of my values, which shaped my experiences to be what they are".

So *your* experiences shaped *your* values which shaped *your* experiences which. . .

And you expect them to be applicable to anyone else? Some people have different experiences which shape different values. And to them, that might make you evil. And they'd probably think that they have every right to consider that to be an objective moral value too.

You admit it's easy for you. But what about those who would have to suppress their sexuality (and own rational thoughts) to attain to *your* standard. That would be like homosexuals saying that because of their experiences and values that it's the only true way.

You seem to have hijacked "demisexuality" as a platform for promotion your spiritual view.

*This* is why you have to defend yourself a lot. You will always have to.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nature or nurture?
Which do you think has influenced your sexuality more?


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## Bast (Mar 23, 2011)

twoofthree said:


> Nature or nurture?
> Which do you think has influenced your sexuality more?



Assuming you are posing this question to everyone...

I would probably say a combination, but nature more. I've always been sort of a romantic daydreamer type, but never sexual. I always enjoyed those chaste fairytale-type romances and wished for something like that for myself, where the relationship is more like a deep and intimate friendship. I didn't grow up in an environment where sex was a shameful thing, or anything like that, so I didn't really have any negative outside influences to alter my perception. Like I hinted at earlier, I've also had to take prescription drugs for almost my entire life that have a common side effect of reducing libido. I don't know if that has anything to do with anything, but it might. Who can say.


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## briesas (Mar 5, 2010)

To the OP - thanks so much for posting this! I read it and recognized myself immediately. Didn't think to discover a word for it, especially in my mid thirties


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## killerB (Jan 14, 2010)

I am glad that someone posted on it, as my wife has always been this way, and had wondered what was wrong with her. I told her that nothing was wrong, that you should get to know someone first and then grow into sexual attraction. (That was what I have always believed to be ideal, actually.)


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## SenhorFrio (Apr 29, 2010)

I hope this does not offend anyone but i am wondering if you feel you were born Demisexual or if it is a choice?


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## OwLY (Jun 12, 2011)

SenhorFrio said:


> I hope this does not offend anyone but i am wondering if you feel you were born Demisexual or if it is a choice?


Born this way. I hope you weren't expecting a more detailed answer.


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## Thomas D M Thompson (Sep 14, 2011)

I prefer sapiosexuallity personally. Or anything that moves I'm game as well.


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## snail (Oct 13, 2008)

SenhorFrio said:


> I hope this does not offend anyone but i am wondering if you feel you were born Demisexual or if it is a choice?


I'm not sure. It depends on what you mean by "choice." 

It's hard to know whether my demisexuality was a result of having very idealistic values, or if it would have existed even if I hadn't always considered non-demisexuality irrational and morally wrong.

I've never had a crush on a body, and if I think back far enough, I remember being very young, thinking that no intelligent person would identify with the advertisements designed to inspire body-based lust. I remember having thoughts like, "That half-naked girl in the beer commercial is acting uninteresting, arrogant, stupid, and unworthy of being desired by all of those men. Only an uninteresting, arrogant, stupid, unworthy person would feel like she was his equal. A person wouldn't want to be married to someone inferior, with whom he couldn't connect. Therefore, the men portrayed in this advertisement must be low quality mates."

Sure, as a child, when my little friends talked about what their ideal husbands would look like, I had to make something up to fit in, so I just told them I wanted someone pale with blue eyes and blonde hair. I selected those things because they were the features of the boy I actually had a crush on. In truth, I liked his intelligence, his creativity, and the fact that he was expressive. I would have selected him regardless of his appearance.

The only times I have ever experienced physical lust have been times when I already wanted someone for non-physical reasons. I also react strongly to certain fetish-related scenarios, and sometimes I try to imagine what it would be like if, instead of my fetish being what it is, it involved something common, like being in the proximity of someone with a certain shape of body. I try to empathize with what it would feel like to want someone for no good reason, simply because he looks a certain way. I can't do it. It feels wrong, like I am dehumanizing the other person. I don't like it at all when others treat me that way, and I would be hypocritical if I ever succeeded in feeling an irrational lust that was strong enough to influence my romantic decisions, causing me to discriminate unfairly against potentially worthy partners, or give preference to good looking men without any legitimate reason to do so. I think I would rather be dead than be that sort of person. I would hate for there to be any more of them in the world.


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## Tofu99 (Jul 22, 2011)

SenhorFrio said:


> I hope this does not offend anyone but i am wondering if you feel you were born Demisexual or if it is a choice?


Born, but possibly reliant on my natural outlook on life. 

I don't find myself physically attracted to people (though I can definitely be disgusted). Sex just seems like another potentially fun activity. People's bodies just don't inspire me to get them naked. I've other, seemingly more entertaining things to do with my time. I can, however, identify when someone is conventionally good looking, since there's a socially-defined criteria. It just takes a bit to analyze.


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## Souljorn (Dec 28, 2010)

I try not to be but I'm probably a demisexual, if I don't have a strong bond with the person i'm with I let them dominate. If I like them I dominate.


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## dizzygirl (Dec 19, 2009)

Mmm..this is interesting. I was strongly demisexual by the look of it until some months ago (i had no idea something like this existed) but of late seems like a switch got flipped that makes me want to kiss this really good looking friend of mine...but i find him interesting and get annoyed at myself. my demisexuality seems to be waning.


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## Wobzter (Jun 2, 2011)

I'd like to address two things in this post, actually.

EDIT: WARNING, long post ;P.
If you don't want to read, please read the last paragraph and respond to that ^^.
Unless you're @snail, then please at least part 1 ;P

*1. Morality*
This is mainly in response to snails posts and twoofthree's comment on it. 
Though I essentially agree with twoofthree that you should, frankly, keep an open mind about the possibility of other moral values existing. I'm not talking about accepting the fact that other people have different moral values than you. I'm talking about accepting the idea that theirs might actually be right. Consider it moral agnosticism. Then again, that's just me really being in favour of skepticism. I don't know if you already are, though.
Anyway, this is kind of off-topic.

Even though I do not agree on/believe in your moral standpoints (the existence of a universal moral and the existence of souls/spirituality) - I seriously hope you don't ever change them (consciously or not). Also, please do not give up fighting for what you believe for.
Even though I'm a rather nihilistic person (that is, I believe morals are mere social constructs and they, essentially don't matter - because nothing does. We could as well, all commit suicide... it _essentially_ doesn't matter), I instinctively still want the best for mankind. Whether this is for selfish reasons or not, I do not know. I do know that, whatever situation I end up in, I won't really be bothered by it much if it's a bad situation. (I'm rather apathetic when it comes to things going bad). On the other hand, I wouldn't WANT a bad situation for obvious reason. I can still experience pleasure and stuff like that. However, since I don't really get moved by bad things happening, I've kinda lost the idea of 'value' (which doesn't really help me get motivated)... Or perhaps it's vice-versa, since I've lost the idea of 'value', I don't really get moved by 'bad' things happening, as they have no real value for me anyhow. This loss of sense of value is bugging me, though - and I'm still rather confused about it all.
Anyway, it might seem like I'm derailing the topic here, but I wanted to show you (in particular you, @snail) my side of the story concerning morality and value and all before I move on. 

So yeah, I do want you to continue fighting for what you believe in, even though we don't agree on the metaphysics of morality, because I DO believe that your ideal world is, indeed, ideal (take that in a positive way). I DO believe that if people were more like you, this world would be a better place, and I DO believe we're getting closer to such a world by you fighting for it. I agree that 'changing people' to your kind of morality will do good for this world (even though I disagree on the nature of it). In particular, I believe that if the world knows more about demisexuality, people will become less materialistic. Or rather... I believe in the opposite; with more shows on tv like Jersey Shore, we're not really making humanity any less materialistic. I wouldn't advocate putting it off the tv because, in my opinion, people are free to do what they want. I would, however, appreciate it very much if they DID put it off tv, as I do believe it influences people to become more materialistic. I'm not entirely sure if Jersey Shore is a prime example, I don't live in the States - but if it's anything similar to the Dutch 'Oh Oh Cherso', then yeah, let's use that as an example. So, by putting less shows like Jersey Shore on tv, I do believe that the world will become less sex-driven. However... if we were to exclude Jersey Shore from tv... should we ban almost any American comedy series such as Friends and Big Bang Theory and whatnot where sex is almost always the main incentive for a relationship (exceptions there, of course, but if you pay attention, the incentive is apparent in the majority of the episodes)? I don't know. So, I don't really know how far to go with idea of 'changing people' to be more demisexual. Nonetheless, I do think the world would be better if it's a tad bit less sex-driven - and for that, I appreciate you wanted to fight for a less materialistic world. 

Secondly, I appreciate your fighting and putting your morality believes out there as it allows me to reflect on my own believes. Even though I don't believe in a _universal morality_ (at all, actually) - it wasn't really until you mentioned it a discussion we had about raising children and punishment and child abuse that I pondered the existence of a universal morality. 

So, snail, please, don't give up!
Even though I kind of dislike your idealistic nature (which I consider too naive)... I also love it and appreciate it!

*2. Sexuality*
So yeah, on to the next topic.
Even though I watch porn and all, I can't imagine actually engaging in a real sexual activity with someone, let alone someone I don't know. In fact, I was once on this site where you could sex-chat with strangers (and have tried it on Omegle)... in both cases, after 2 lines I already forget what I came for and just started chatting with people, getting to know them better. I have sex-chatted with someone before, though - a sorta online girlfriend (which didn't last long as I realized I didn't feel for her). So I can assume that, if I haven't changed, I only get a sexual desire with people I at least know. 
As for attraction... I can easily tell whether someone's cute or pretty... But to tell whether someone is hot depends on state of mind at that moment. Still, even if I'm as horny as a [what ever is extremely horny]... I couldn't imagine myself doing any sexual activities with her. I can imagine any kind of fantasy wherein something revealing happens... but I can't, no matter how hard I try, imagine myself doing any sexual activity with someone. I mean, I can imagine what it would be like... sorta... but that's more from a theoretical point of view.
I can only tell you about my imagination, though, as I've never had sex (nor anything even remotely related to it, in real life) and I've never been that close to someone.

As for things like one-night stands and all...
Though I'm not really _against_ the idea... I wouldn't want it... at least, I've never ever felt like wanting it.

So yeah...
I don't really know.
What category would fit: [sexually active with self (either with the aid of porn or the power of the mind) but can't even imagine anything sexual with someone else. Also, perhaps in extend to the latter part of the previous phrase, I prefer cuddling over anything. Then again, I suppose I only have cuddling experience (when I was younger, with family)]?


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## OwLY (Jun 12, 2011)

Wobzter said:


> So yeah...
> I don't really know.
> What category would fit: [sexually active with self (either with the aid of porn or the power of the mind) but can't even imagine anything sexual with someone else. Also, perhaps in extend to the latter part of the previous phrase, I prefer cuddling over anything. Then again, I suppose I only have cuddling experience (when I was younger, with family)]?


Well let's see, you're under the gray-a umbrella at least and it's very possible you might be demisexual. See, there is no rule against a demi/asexual masturbating, for many it's just an itch that just needs to be scratched and nothing more, a release of emotions or simply something to feel pleasure. Besides that though, look up aesthetic attraction, which can be confused with sexual attraction, especially in those who do not know what sexual attraction feels like.

Although you could just be mentally unready for sex, subconsciously that is. There's no one forcing you to pick a sexuality, do it for your own self enlightenment, we're all in the same boat here.

Edit: Also, you sound very much to be a heteroromantic, and with romantic feelings also come urges to improve intimacy and that can definitely include sensual touch such as cuddling.


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## findadream (Apr 15, 2011)

I'm demisexual... I can definitely only feel sexual attraction to someone I have a close emotional bond with. I don't understand my friends when they can point out a stranger and say he/she is "sexy"... that doesn't register in my brain at all. Variety is the spice of life, eh?


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## Promethea (Aug 24, 2009)

findadream said:


> I don't understand my friends when they can point out a stranger and say he/she is "sexy"... that doesn't register in my brain at all.


Totally agree. I have tried to analyze why all my life.


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## Promethea (Aug 24, 2009)

SenhorFrio said:


> I hope this does not offend anyone but i am wondering if you feel you were born Demisexual or if it is a choice?


When I realized I was different from my peers in this way at a -very- early age, I had no clue why, so it was not something that I consciously chose.


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## Promethea (Aug 24, 2009)

Vaan said:


> Yeah this is part of why i first thought i was an Asexual, some guys show me this celebrity porn mag and i didn't feel anything, it actually just kinda made me feel a bit sick because it seemed kinda shallow. Unless the person is eye catchingly beautiful then i probably wont react and if i do it will probably be from just intrigue until i can learn more about them.


In jr. high, my friends used to look at Teen Magazine, and look at this spread of guys they featured.. all very cliche 'hot' guys, like 'zomg surfer hunk' etc. I think we were 12-13 at the time. Anyway, I remember feeling nothing but confusion. I had no idea what they felt. Later, when I was 16ish, I explained this to my cousin who said 'oh you're just a late bloomer.' I had at some point questioned my sexuality.. and even dated a girl, only to find out, I don't really feel anything for them I don't feel for these 'hot' guys. Falling for someone hard though, they become so very 'hot.' :3 So, I realized I'm not homosexual, or aesexual.. I'm actually extremely sexual and full of lust, but I can only really feel it manifest when someones personality is endearing to me in that special way that makes me tingle.. and makes my head rush, and stomach flutter. Until I feel some of that, no ones hot.. and it doesn't matter what the person looks like, if I feel that for them, they're the hottest thing I have ever seen.


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## heartturnedtoporcelain (Apr 9, 2010)

I could potentially be demi-sexual rather than asexual if I don't turn out to be aromantic, but that's only a possibility.

That's the problem with claiming the identity of either an asexual or an aromantic - things _could _change. At a certain point you have to accept your identity (what ever it is) and move on. You can't always be living in that realm of uncertainty (something that is much harder for us Ps to accomplish, I imagine )


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## Vaan (Dec 19, 2010)

Promethea said:


> In jr. high, my friends used to look at Teen Magazine, and look at this spread of guys they featured.. all very cliche 'hot' guys, like 'zomg surfer hunk' etc. I think we were 12-13 at the time. Anyway, I remember feeling nothing but confusion. I had no idea what they felt. Later, when I was 16ish, I explained this to my cousin who said 'oh you're just a late bloomer.' I had at some point questioned my sexuality.. and even dated a girl, only to find out, I don't really feel anything for them I don't feel for these 'hot' guys. Falling for someone hard though, they become so very 'hot.' :3 So, I realized I'm not homosexual, or aesexual.. I'm actually extremely sexual and full of lust, but I can only really feel it manifest when someones personality is endearing to me in that special way that makes me tingle.. and makes my head rush, and stomach flutter. Until I feel some of that, no ones hot.. and it doesn't matter what the person looks like, if I feel that for them, they're the hottest thing I have ever seen.


Yep this is true for me as well. I do feel that I can be very sexual, but it only turns like that if it is an appropriate connection. I think that demisexuls are just as, if not more sexual than normal people, it is just that our means of attraction don't come from the body but rather the heart. So assuming most demisexuals see sex as an extention of that emotional bond with them then it becomes a much more intense experience ^^.

Personally I preffer it this way, well worth it in hindsight (Unless the person isn't one that dosen't like long relationships)


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## Promethea (Aug 24, 2009)

Vaan said:


> Yep this is true for me as well. I do feel that I can be very sexual, but it only turns like that if it is an appropriate connection. I think that demisexuls are just as, if not more sexual than normal people, it is just that our means of attraction don't come from the body but rather the heart. So assuming most demisexuals see sex as an extention of that emotional bond with them then it becomes a much more intense experience ^^.
> 
> Personally I preffer it this way, well worth it in hindsight (Unless the person isn't one that dosen't like long relationships)


It makes masturbation more difficult when I'm single. I can really only get off thinking about someone who I have that connection with. When I break up with someone, I don't want to keep thinking about them in that way but I can't get off unless I do. It torments me. Only becoming really close to a new person gives me something new I can actually think about to get off to.

Probably tmi, but I'm curious if anyone else has the same exp.


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## Drewbie (Apr 28, 2010)

heartturnedtoporcelain said:


> I could potentially be demi-sexual rather than asexual if I don't turn out to be aromantic, but that's only a possibility.
> 
> That's the problem with claiming the identity of either an asexual or an aromantic - things _could _change. At a certain point you have to accept your identity (what ever it is) and move on. You can't always be living in that realm of uncertainty (something that is much harder for us Ps to accomplish, I imagine )


Aromantic people can be demisexual too. Demisexuality isn't dependent on romantic feelings, it's dependent secondary sexual attraction, which is based on things not immediately apparent, like emotional connection, compatibility, personality, intelligence, etc.

As far as having a hard time claiming an identity, I had a hard time with that for quite a while too, but I eventually realized that 'phases' get a shitty reputation that they don't deserve. How you feel in the moment is more important than the what-ifs and changing, if there ever is a change, doesn't invalidate the significance of an identity that is being experienced now. A person is who they are _now_ and if that changes in the future that will be who they are _then_ but neither identity is less genuine than the other.


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## heartturnedtoporcelain (Apr 9, 2010)

Cruciferae said:


> Aromantic people can be demisexual too. Demisexuality isn't dependent on romantic feelings, it's dependent secondary sexual attraction, which is based on things not immediately apparent, like emotional connection, compatibility, personality, intelligence, etc.
> 
> As far as having a hard time claiming an identity, I had a hard time with that for quite a while too, but I eventually realized that 'phases' get a shitty reputation that they don't deserve. How you feel in the moment is more important than the what-ifs and changing, if there ever is a change, doesn't invalidate the significance of an identity that is being experienced now. A person is who they are _now_ and if that changes in the future that will be who they are _then_ but neither identity is less genuine than the other.


mmm pretty sure I'm not demi-sexual, if that is the criteria. Aromantic asexual makes the most sense.

That is _exactly_ right. I have to keep on telling myself that - to not invalidate my identity by waffling about it and believing that it could possibly, maybe change.


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## Fizz (Nov 13, 2010)

Promethea said:


> In jr. high, my friends used to look at Teen Magazine, and look at this spread of guys they featured.. all very cliche 'hot' guys, like 'zomg surfer hunk' etc. I think we were 12-13 at the time. Anyway, I remember feeling nothing but confusion. I had no idea what they felt.


I can't understand that either, I've never been attracted to the stereotypical "hunks" or "cute boys" that were advertised in magazines as the hottest teen idol. I still don't understand it. I can look at them and think, "they're physically attractive but not my type." If I saw them in person, it would mean nothing to me.

I never gave a shit about the Backstreet Boys or N*Sync when they were popular. Many girls my age fawned over many boy band members or cute actors. I guess the best comparison right now is Robert Pattinson. I don't understand the hoopla. He's attractive in that _"this is what the media wants you to like"_ kind of way.

I'm more attracted to the unconventional. Sorry ovens.


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## ProtectorOfKittens (Oct 13, 2011)

I don't think I'm demisexual, since I experience both primary and secondary attraction. However, it's the secondary attraction that determines whether I can or will have a sexual relationship with someone. I can comfortably fantasize about attractive men IF it is just a fantasy that has little possibility of coming true. The thought that I might actually sleep with someone I don't know well gives me the creeps, even if he is someone I've fantasized about. On the other hand, once I know someone well, his personality determines whether or not I desire him. I have been attracted to men who weren't all that good looking, but I didn't really "see" their looks because I was so attracted to their personalities. I'm not sure if I'm making sense....

While I could certainly be wrong, I don't really think people can choose to be demisexual. I don't think I can not notice attractive people. But it is possible to choose to pay more attention to personality and less attention to looks. And it's admirable because it means taking time to look past the surface.


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## OwLY (Jun 12, 2011)

Promethea said:


> It makes masturbation more difficult when I'm single. I can really only get off thinking about someone who I have that connection with. When I break up with someone, I don't want to keep thinking about them in that way but I can't get off unless I do. It torments me. Only becoming really close to a new person gives me something new I can actually think about to get off to.
> 
> Probably tmi, but I'm curious if anyone else has the same exp.


Masturbating for me has never been connected to sex, rather all about emotions. I don't really fantasize because it doesn't arouse me if I don't have an emotional connection to that person; I would sooner masturbate to the thought of someone I'm not attracted to but feel an emotional connection with, if that makes sense. The feelings I have associated with them are elevated in the process and I don't come out feeling as if I just had sex with them. In fact I actually have a hard time fantasizing about the people I am attracted to aesthetically and emotionally, it's almost like I have too much respect for them and I just can't bring myself to think such things when I'm not sharing the emotions with them.

Ugh, my thoughts on this are very hard to put into words, so excuse me if it didn't make sense.
(And personally, I have no reservations about talking about masturbation on this forum. It's not tmi, it's all relevant to the discussion.)


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## daydr3am (Oct 20, 2010)

I think I might be a demisexual. I find myself rarely ever sexually attracted to people. I may find people physically appealing and attractive, but I rarely feel attracted to people. Sexually, I am only comfortable moving forward in that area once the partner and I have established some sort of romantic and emotional connection through us dating/being in a committed, exclusive relationship and in love with each other. Once that is established, I have an extremely high sex drive. I have never felt sexually attracted to a female though.


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## Wobzter (Jun 2, 2011)

Heya!
As I was cycling back home, I was thinking about this thread and I thought that, perhaps, iNtuitives are more likely to be demi-sexual since they are more abstract-minded (and in my eyes, emotions are rather abstract).
So I took the liberty to go through this entire thread and make a list of everyone who considers themselves demi-sexuals and their according type. This then results in a scheme showing which of the 8 qualities (E,I,N,S,T,F,P,J) is 'most likely' to be demi-sexual. Of course, this is a biased research, as some types are, perhaps, more likely to 'accept' their demisexualism and there are just way more N-types on this forum anyway.
Nonethless, I'd like to present you the current 'results'.
I've put everyone in italics who aren't sure about their demisexualism which results in their type be counted within the parentheses only.

So, here goes:

*ESTJ:* 
*ESTP:* _Fizz_
*ESFJ:* 
*ESFP:* 
*ENTJ:* 
*ENTP:* Souljorn
*ENFJ:* Jawz
*ENFP:* Tuna, Kriash, briesas
*ISTJ:* 
*ISTP:* _twoofthree_, CKTofu
*ISFJ:* Mello
*ISFP:* NekoNinja, TheLuckyOne, _dizzygirl_
*INTJ:* CeresZal, OwLY, Waiting
*INTP:* _Wobzter_, Promethea
*INFJ:* Vaan, Findadream, daydr3am
*INFP:* Snail, abitsilly, _PrinceinExile_, Clair de Lune, Bast, _heartturnedtoporcelain_

This then yields:

*E:* 5 (6)----> *|||||* (|)
*I:* 15 (20)--> *|||||||||||||||* (|||||) 
*S:* 4 (7)----> *||||* (|||)
*N:* 16 (19)-> *||||||||||||||||* (|||)
*T:* 6 (9)----> *||||||* (|||)
*F:* 14 (17)-> *||||||||||||||* (|||)
*J:* 8 (8)----> *||||||||* ()
*P:* 12 (18)-> *||||||||||||* (||||||) 

Stats! Yay!
Sorry, my NT-love for stats suddenly popped up...

So, it seems like INFPs are most likely to be demi-sexual... if these statistics are reliable, that is.


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## Spades (Aug 31, 2011)

Nice work @Wobzter, but the percentages for these stats is highly biased by the percentages of PerC users in each type. INFP is the most common to begin with, so one would expect higher numbers of demisexuals.

I think it's something that spans across the board.

I'm also not sure where I stand to be honest. I'm not asexual but I go through phases, and I'm a lot less sex-crazed than most people it seems... Hmm!


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## IonOfAeons (Dec 2, 2010)

This is a fascinating discussion to me, because I'm a wannabe demi-sexual rather than a real one. I do feel sexual attraction to people without necessarily having emotional connections to them, however I dislike being that way and have been trying to 'purify' myself of it. I found myself relating to you @snail in feeling that physical attraction degrades people since it has no inherent worth, I do actually feel corrupt in having desires, consequently I am slowly controlling them and trying to lessen any traces of primary sexual desire. It's been a long slow road and I do not know if I will ever succeed, although I have been successful to a degree in that I no longer let attraction to a person consume me. Instead I remind myself that their looks do not mean anything.

However, as a person who is not inherently demi-sexual I find this incredibly difficult. I do not want to be attracted to people in a meaningless way, but it IS a part of me that I have to fight against and my sexuality is there whether I want to acknowledge it or not. I envy demi-sexuals that they do not have to fight these urges because they fill me with self-loathing sometimes, I do not want to feel so impure and helpless.

It is a difficult path for people who have standard sexual feelings. Those of us who acknowledge the damage our urges can do and who try to fight them will still feel weighted down. Even if we want to rid ourselves of these urges, it takes a huge amount of self-discipline. Self-discipline which we cannot even be sure will allow us to master control of our desires. It is easy to condemn people for their shallow desires, but it is much harder to be them and to try and fight against a nature that you never had. Take this from a person with an unnaturally high libido who has been fighting the corrupting influence of his sexuality for half his life.


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## snail (Oct 13, 2008)

IonOfAeons said:


> This is a fascinating discussion to me, because I'm a wannabe demi-sexual rather than a real one. I do feel sexual attraction to people without necessarily having emotional connections to them, however I dislike being that way and have been trying to 'purify' myself of it. I found myself relating to you @snail in feeling that physical attraction degrades people since it has no inherent worth, I do actually feel corrupt in having desires, consequently I am slowly controlling them and trying to lessen any traces of primary sexual desire. It's been a long slow road and I do not know if I will ever succeed, although I have been successful to a degree in that I no longer let attraction to a person consume me. Instead I remind myself that their looks do not mean anything.
> 
> However, as a person who is not inherently demi-sexual I find this incredibly difficult. I do not want to be attracted to people in a meaningless way, but it IS a part of me that I have to fight against and my sexuality is there whether I want to acknowledge it or not. I envy demi-sexuals that they do not have to fight these urges because they fill me with self-loathing sometimes, I do not want to feel so impure and helpless.
> 
> It is a difficult path for people who have standard sexual feelings. Those of us who acknowledge the damage our urges can do and who try to fight them will still feel weighted down. Even if we want to rid ourselves of these urges, it takes a huge amount of self-discipline. Self-discipline which we cannot even be sure will allow us to master control of our desires. It is easy to condemn people for their shallow desires, but it is much harder to be them and to try and fight against a nature that you never had. Take this from a person with an unnaturally high libido who has been fighting the corrupting influence of his sexuality for half his life.


I admire your determination. I don't condemn you at all. I find you courageous and worthy of respect.


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## reletative (Dec 17, 2010)

I am demisexual I suppose. I've never been one to feel the need to determine my sexuality though.


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## Falling Leaves (Aug 18, 2011)

I didn't choose to be demi, I just am. 

I can feel primary sexual attraction but so far in my life these have been rare flashes. 

It was a pain growing up because if you aren't centering your life around the opposite sex that must mean you're gay or something.

It was amazing growing up because I was never made a slave to my hormones like everyone else. 

Swings and roundabouts really


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## Psilo (Apr 29, 2009)

I'm demisexual. It wasn't a choice. If it were, I think it's closer to abstinence than demisexuality. I thought I was asexual for a long time, because I don't feel sexual attraction. I have a very low libido, so maybe that helps. It may bea product of the sexual abuse I had in my first relationship, but I don't remember being sexually curious in the least before then (which prompted the first red flags where my abuser started to use my lack of sex drive against me). I would get asked a lot if I was gay. I'd always have to think about it, because (not knowing about asexuality) I didn't really know my sexuality. Because I would not exclude having a relationship with either gender (I always assumed I'd eventually develop a sex drive) I had considered myself bisexual for a while. I think on AVEN I's be considered a biromantic demisexual. 

I'm in a loving long term relationship now, and it's the only context I feel sexual desire now. The first time I felt it, it was a very foreign feeling. It was as if I couldn't be close enough to my partner. 

Outside of the relationship I have sexual urges that I do not associate with sex. It is associated with ovulation, and I masturbate in a way that's analogous to stretching a sore muscle. There is no attraction basis, And I don't have fantasies. 

I have no problem with sex, it just is not something I feel compelled to do as it seems people with a higher drive do.


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## Evergreen23 (Feb 19, 2011)

Panromantic demisexual. I'd never really known about either until last May, when I came out as bisexual. But that didn't really fit me well, especially since I'd never been sexually attracted to anyone before my current love interest, and the person I am attracted to is pangender. 

The first time I felt sexually attracted to someone, I was super confused. I'd read about such feelings, of course, but I merely thought they were hyperbolic and exaggerated. Then, I was in an intimate moment with my current crush, and it was like, "...WHOA." I don't experience that otherwise; I can appreciate the human form as something aesthetically pleasing, but I'm not going to go have sex with someone I've never talked to or have had limited interactions with.

It's nice, because I never really had the typical "ruled-by-raging-hormones" adolescence that my peers had, but at the same time, it's annoying, because I don't form relationships easily. I'm going on 20, and I have never been in any sort of relationship, physical or otherwise. Not that it's a bad thing, but I do get some pitying looks when I explain why I'm so inexperienced in the area of sex. 

..I do apologize if my writing sounds disjointed. My thoughts are everywhere at the moment.


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## jlwalker97 (Dec 2, 2011)

I've been thinking alot about my sexuality (and religious beliefs, and career path..) and I think that I am bi/panromantic demisexual, as I do not experience strong sexual attraction until I see personality of teh person in question. I had for a time thought I was asexual (after a long-term relationship devolved into resentment-sex), but I still masturbate from time to time and I don't think sex is that bad (not icky, just never had it be mind-blowing). I think that with the right person I could be sexual with an average libido. By myself then I am demisexual with a rather low libido. Which I think is ok, because if I had a regular sex drive I'd be so frustrated being alone.


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## maruli (Feb 22, 2012)

I just joined this site, because the suggestion to unite with other demisexuals appeals to me. I am not planning other activities, because while I am not a troll, I am skeptical about the scientific validity of Myer Briggs. 

I always identified as being human in contrast to being an animal, because I am much more determined by cognition than by instincts. I have always been despising those people, who are mostly animals and robots of their instincts. I used to call myself an Epicurean, because his philosophy focuses upon the joys of the mind. Being a demisexual is connected, I was one long before I discovered the word. 

As a woman, I perceive it as an indignity and degradation, when men drool over women's body without being emotionally attached. When men feel entitled to use women ruthlessly and without any appriciation and consideration as if women were toilets for men's body waste, I feel outrage. 

I have no mission to change the world, but I personally do not want to be the target of drooling and abuse. Therefore I have been blogging about my own search for one of those few quality men, who never drool, but who only get attracted to a woman's brain and personality. I had already written hundreds of blog entries about the qualities of innate monogamy and the anti-promiscuous bonding ability, when I finally discovered, that demisexuality is the correct label for my mindmate. 

As I am not allowed to add the link to my blog, in the case, someone is interested, please google Egalitarian Rational Commitment Paradigm.


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## Wobzter (Jun 2, 2011)

@maruli:

URL'ed for you:
Egalitarian Rational Commitment Paradigm

As a comment;
As a guy, I would like to point out that not only do guys drool over women's body, but it's also vice versa.


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## n2freedom (Jun 2, 2011)

I have a question that I asked in another thread that I did not receive an answer to. However, I believe this thread would be a more appropriate thread to ask that question and several others that I have. 



 Would the statement "I only have a high sex drive when I am in a dating relationship" be indicative of someone who is demisexual?
 Let's say a demisexual is attracted to someone else on level 2...would the frequency desire to have sex increase as feelings increase?
Would a demisexual be interested and/or participate in a fuck buddy arrangement?
 Or, would a demisexual choose abstinence until they meet someone they have level 2 attraction with?
Also, would a demisexual be interested in a menage a trois with a partner they were comfortable with and have level 2 attraction?
 
I'm trying to better understand the habits and/or traits reflective of a typical demisexual.


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## Drewbie (Apr 28, 2010)

n2freedom said:


> I have a question that I asked in another thread that I did not receive an answer to. However, I believe this thread would be a more appropriate thread to ask that question and several others that I have.
> 
> I'm trying to better understand the habits and/or traits reflective of a typical demisexual.


Please note that I am not a demisexual and if any demisexual person contradicts me here, you're better off listening to them.


 Would the statement "I only have a high sex drive when I am in a dating relationship" be indicative of someone who is demisexual?
That would probably be accurate for a lot of demisexuals, but not all. Demisexuals can be aromantic and not desire dating or romantic relationships or may not desire dating or romantic relationships for reasons not involving their romantic orientation, but still develop sexual attraction to people based on secondary sexual attraction.


 Let's say a demisexual is attracted to someone else on level 2...would the frequency desire to have sex increase as feelings increase?
I really have no idea, honestly. A demisexual with that experience would have to answer. It probably happens for some but perhaps not all.


Would a demisexual be interested and/or participate in a fuck buddy arrangement?
Some would. I'd imagine some aromantic demisexuals would find such an arrangement agreeable.


Or, would a demisexual choose abstinence until they meet someone they have level 2 attraction with?
I think that would be the most likely case although there are bound to be exceptions for a variety of reasons.


Also, would a demisexual be interested in a menage a trois with a partner they were comfortable with and have level 2 attraction?
Depends on the person. Demisexuals have the same range of sexual expression and exploration as anyone else.


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## Promethea (Aug 24, 2009)

maruli said:


> I just joined this site, because the suggestion to unite with other demisexuals appeals to me. I am not planning other activities, because while I am not a troll, I am skeptical about the scientific validity of Myer Briggs.
> 
> I always identified as being human in contrast to being an animal, because I am much more determined by cognition than by instincts. I have always been despising those people, who are mostly animals and robots of their instincts. I used to call myself an Epicurean, because his philosophy focuses upon the joys of the mind. Being a demisexual is connected, I was one long before I discovered the word.
> 
> ...


You're awesome. I agree with most of what you said, and I rarely find people who think that way.


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## Promethea (Aug 24, 2009)

Wobzter said:


> As a comment;
> As a guy, I would like to point out that not only do guys drool over women's body, but it's also vice versa.


Demisexual men -and- women do not. They drool over the body of the person they develop feelings for, after they have those feelings. That is the point. People who are not demisexual don't have to feel anything for a person in order to feel lust for their physical form. I wrote a blog a while back after a scary experience I had at a grocery store in the south. As a demisexual, when I go into public, I see people. Not a mixture of hot and unhot people. Some of them look interesting because I can tell they're more intelligent perhaps.. or just quirky.. but their face, and abs don't cause a reaction. 

It was early spring, which I refer to as mating season for non-demisexuals, because people start to bare more skin after having it bundled up all winter. Me and the girl in front of me were both being eyehumped -- and I was dressed somewhat modestly. Running shorts and a t-shirt. She was wearing tight pants and a tank top. About 4 guys in the place made lewd remarks or noises.. "uhhnnggg dayum" and the like. I nearly had a panic attack because I felt so trapped. Not physically, but I had this creepy thought. They are supposedly human like me but no they are not human like me, they are rapey monkeys. And I am expected to claim that I am one of them. The same species. This feeling of loneliness and isolation set in. How could I ever be happy romantically. People will frequently tell you things like "well thats just how all men are hunney!1 u gotta accept it!1" -- well then luckily I came across this term 'demisexual' and realized that not only women can be demisexual, and that my options aren't: stay single or get into bestiality.


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## OwLY (Jun 12, 2011)

@n2freedom



 Would the statement "I only have a high sex drive when I am in a dating relationship" be indicative of someone who is demisexual?
*A demisexual could have any kind of sex drive while in a relationship, but yes, the statement could possibly indicate demisexuality.*

 Let's say a demisexual is attracted to someone else on level 2...would the frequency desire to have sex increase as feelings increase?
*It'll vary, the main thing is that the person develops a sex drive at all after a certain point. If a person is romantically attracted to a person but still has no desire for a sexual relationship after a considerable amount of time, that's asexuality. For me personally, the sex drive will develop much, much slower than feelings do, and any sexual urge will be much weaker.*
Would a demisexual be interested and/or participate in a fuck buddy arrangement?
*I would never, and I personally believe a fuck buddy situation is wrong to begin with. Sex is entirely attached to emotion for me, and the thought of sex simply for pleasure is a repulsive idea. I could go into more detail of why I believe it is wrong, but I'm not entirely sure it would stay relevant to demisexuality.*
 Or, would a demisexual choose abstinence until they meet someone they have level 2 attraction with?
*It's not abstinence, it's also not chastity, there simply is no interest in sex until an attraction develops.*

Also, would a demisexual be interested in a menage a trois with a partner they were comfortable with and have level 2 attraction?
*Again, I would never do this.*


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## maruli (Feb 22, 2012)

wobzter: Thanks for placing the link.

Looking at the instinctive urges from a purely biological and evolutionary point of view, looking at animals of the species **** sapiens acting with no cognitive control, then only men drool over women's bodies. Women attempt to get pregnant with the healthiest and fittest genes. While the reciprocal using is equally detrimental and women are not better than men, the biological processes are very different. The most agreeable persons are those, whose sexual and procreation instinct are both not controlling the cognition.


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## maruli (Feb 22, 2012)

Promethea: Good to hear, that others feel the same alienation in an oversexed society, where the victims are such morons, that they actually enjoy their degradation and actively trigger and provoke it.


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## Wobzter (Jun 2, 2011)

@Promethea
It was a reply to maruli's: "_As a woman, I perceive it as an indignity and degradation, when men drool over women's body without being emotionally attached. When men feel entitled to use women ruthlessly and without any appriciation and consideration as if women were toilets for men's body waste, I feel outrage._ "
I meant to say that as a guy, I also perceive other women drool over men's body without being emotionally attached. Note that, just as maruli didn't intend to let this apply to demisexuals, neither did I .

edit: The reason I pointed that out is because I mostly hear one-sided stories hear about guys drooling over girls, and not vice-versa.


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## n2freedom (Jun 2, 2011)

maruli said:


> Promethea: Good to hear, that others feel the same alienation in an oversexed society, where the victims are such morons, that they actually enjoy their degradation and actively trigger and provoke it.


 While I encourage and respect everyone's opinion. Your views and beliefs are just that *yours*. If your natural inclination and or choice causes you not to be oversexed then that is cool. But, it doesn't not automatically translate into others being victims and/or morons because they do not share your sexual habits and/or lifestyle. And, to be honest comments like the one above is the epitome of black and white thinking.

Surely you would not like it and/or appreciate it if those who do not share your sexual habits and/or lifestyle were to start making demeaning statements and spewing negative connotations about those who are similar to you. In a _*public*_ forum I think it is of taste and decorum to share your beliefs in a manner where you are not degrading and/or being negative toward those who are not like you.


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## Drewbie (Apr 28, 2010)

n2freedom said:


> While I encourage and respect everyone's opinion. Your views and beliefs are just that *yours*. If your natural inclination and or choice causes you not to be oversexed then that is cool. But, it doesn't not automatically translate into others being victims and/or morons because they do not share your sexual habits and/or lifestyle. And, to be honest comments like the one above is the epitome of black and white thinking.
> 
> Surely you would not like it and/or appreciate it if those who do not share your sexual habits and/or lifestyle were to start making demeaning statements and spewing negative connotations about those who are similar to you. In a _*public*_ forum I think it is of taste and decorum to share your beliefs in a manner where you are not degrading and/or being negative toward those who are not like you.


This is extremely common among certain demisexuals on this forum and in this thread. Which is why I tend to answer questions and leave without really engaging in most conversations. I'm more than willing to discuss and educate people about demisexuality but I don't appreciate being dehumanized. For the record, these opinions are not held by most demisexuals, just a select few I've encountered on this forum.


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## maruli (Feb 22, 2012)

n2freedom: My quoted remark were a reaction to promethea's grocery store story.


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## Promethea (Aug 24, 2009)

n2freedom said:


> While I encourage and respect everyone's opinion. Your views and beliefs are just that *yours*. If your natural inclination and or choice causes you not to be oversexed then that is cool. But, it doesn't not automatically translate into others being victims and/or morons because they do not share your sexual habits and/or lifestyle. And, to be honest comments like the one above is the epitome of black and white thinking.
> 
> Surely you would not like it and/or appreciate it if those who do not share your sexual habits and/or lifestyle were to start making demeaning statements and spewing negative connotations about those who are similar to you. In a _*public*_ forum I think it is of taste and decorum to share your beliefs in a manner where you are not degrading and/or being negative toward those who are not like you.


I don't understand how someone empathizing with my personal account offended you so bad personally. I think you must have read into it a lot. And well, calling people in general morons who passively accept their role as sexual objects isn't much of a controversial claim. I think you should watch the documentary "merchants of cool." Its all on youtube. It illustrates how these mook and midriff archetypes dominate modern gender roles. They are stupid indeed to be so brainwashed by the media, that they actually become something cliche and cheap.


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## Promethea (Aug 24, 2009)

Fitz Cabbage said:


> This is extremely common among certain demisexuals on this forum and in this thread. Which is why I tend to answer questions and leave without really engaging in most conversations. I'm more than willing to discuss and educate people about demisexuality but I don't appreciate being dehumanized. For the record, these opinions are not held by most demisexuals, just a select few I've encountered on this forum.


So then make passive-aggressive remarks about them instead. *thumbs up*


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## Drewbie (Apr 28, 2010)

Promethea said:


> So then make passive-aggressive remarks about them instead. *thumbs up*


Yes because I'm so passive aggressive. *thumbs up*

Seriously, if you've misconstrued something I'm said on this forum as passive aggressive you're not aware of the context.


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## geekofalltrades (Feb 8, 2012)

Oh hey, there's a term that describes my sexuality after all... and here I've been trying to bend the word "asexual" into some form that would describe my attitude. Hooray, another label to apply to myself...


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## n2freedom (Jun 2, 2011)

Promethea said:


> I don't understand how someone empathizing with my personal account offended you so bad personally. I think you must have read into it a lot. And well, calling people in general morons who passively accept their role as sexual objects isn't much of a controversial claim. I think you should watch the documentary "merchants of cool." Its all on youtube. It illustrates how these mook and midriff archetypes dominate modern gender roles. They are stupid indeed to be so brainwashed by the media, that they actually become something cliche and cheap.


 Are you talking to me as a member or a moderator? I have observed your tactics on the sex & relationship forum as it relates to the "morality" of sexuality. You make a lot of strong statements and when the person makes strong statements back they end of crossing the line and getting an infracture. Seems to me you are reshaping the landscape with your comments above. You can empathize with someone without being insulting to others. And, I still stand by statement. I find it interesting that it struck such a chord with you.....

For example, I can empathize with a woman being physically abused without projecting negative characteristics to all men. Everyone needs to exercise tact and decorum and be considerate to a _*public*_ audience when voicing their viewpoints.


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## Chipps (Jun 1, 2011)

n2freedom said:


> While I encourage and respect everyone's opinion. Your views and beliefs are just that *yours*. If your natural inclination and or choice causes you not to be oversexed then that is cool. But, it doesn't not automatically translate into others being victims and/or morons because they do not share your sexual habits and/or lifestyle. And, to be honest comments like the one above is the epitome of black and white thinking.
> 
> Surely you would not like it and/or appreciate it if those who do not share your sexual habits and/or lifestyle were to start making demeaning statements and spewing negative connotations about those who are similar to you. In a _*public*_ forum I think it is of taste and decorum to share your beliefs in a manner where you are not degrading and/or being negative toward those who are not like you.



I don't agree with the word victims, but I do agree that people who aren't down for having sex early or need to take their time to build attraction are judged for this behavior. Most men and most women fall under the umbrella of "sexual". Most people think that claiming demisexuality is slut-shaming (which its not). It only gets that title because being demisexual is "ideal" for a woman. 

60 years ago, a woman that had sex outside of a committed relationship was labeled a slut. Now the woman that doesn't put out by date 3 or isn't cool with fwb, or threesomes, or whatever is a prude. It seems you can't win for losing.

I disagree with the idea that everyone's preference is accepted equally. No its not. The scale has always been tipped in the favor of the majority. The majority of people are not demisexual so I'm not being catered to at all. 

I'm not saying that women should have to anything. I fully agree with that its right for everyone to have the option to do as they please, but do I wish more people took the demisexual approach to sex? Hell yea! It would make it much easier to meet other people, without having to explain what demisexuality is and how they'd have to wait to have sex. <---which might not be worth it considering most men don't have a problem getting it from somewhere else. 

This is primarily why I don't date at all. I don't even give the idea that I'd want to date someone. Everyone just gets friendzoned and if I start to like them down the road, I will insinuate it. Its hard for people to understand that I can like their personality, but need time to want to have sex with them. Its just not common enough for people to actually believe. It sucks though. It makes me feel like I will never get married because no one will ever get it. It makes things a lot tougher. Le sigh.


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## n2freedom (Jun 2, 2011)

Chipps said:


> I don't agree with the word victims, but I do agree that people who aren't down for having sex early or need to take their time to build attraction are judged for this behavior. Most men and most women fall under the umbrella of "sexual". Most people think that claiming demisexuality is slut-shaming (which its not). It only gets that title because being demisexual is "ideal" for a woman.


 I'm not sure what most people think about demisexuality as all of this is new to me. The problem I have is when people hold certain beliefs and they believe that there is something wrong with others who don't share their beliefs. Whether it is sexuals thinking demi-sexuals should have a different orientation or vice versa. If a person lifestyle works for them great, they should continue doing what they are doing. But, I think the moment people start bashing others, degrading them, and/or assigning negative connotations to them because they operate differently, especially in a *public* forum, is insensitive, inconsiderate, and lacks taste and decorum. 


Chipps said:


> 60 years ago, a woman that had sex outside of a committed relationship was labeled a slut. Now the woman that doesn't put out by date 3 or isn't cool with fwb, or threesomes, or whatever is a prude. It seems you can't win for losing.
> 
> I disagree with the idea that everyone's preference is accepted equally. No its not. The scale has always been tipped in the favor of the majority. The majority of people are not demisexual so I'm not being catered to at all.


 I never said that everyone's preference is accepted equally. Morality and views about sexuality have constantly been influx over the years. Everyone is not going to see eye to eye that's what makes us individuals. Any behavior or beliefs that are outlying ones are subject to scrutiny and ostracization by those who have opposing views. Nymphomaniacs don't have it any easier.




Chipps said:


> I'm not saying that women should have to anything. I fully agree with that its right for everyone to have the option to do as they please, but do I wish more people took the demisexual approach to sex? Hell yea! It would make it much easier to meet other people, without having to explain what demisexuality is and how they'd have to wait to have sex. <---which might not be worth it considering most men don't have a problem getting it from somewhere else.
> 
> This is primarily why I don't date at all. I don't even give the idea that I'd want to date someone. Everyone just gets friendzoned and if I start to like them down the road, I will insinuate it. Its hard for people to understand that I can like their personality, but need time to want to have sex with them. Its just not common enough for people to actually believe. It sucks though. It makes me feel like I will never get married because no one will ever get it. It makes things a lot tougher. Le sigh.


 I firmly believe what you are seeking is seeking you. And, the right person for you will share your beliefs and/or at least respect and honor them. I believe if someone is genuinely open to and interested in having a relationship would be on the same wavelength and want to get to know the person first.


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## Tranquility (Dec 16, 2013)

Hello!


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## Blothmath (May 25, 2013)

I usually don't like those threads... Just here to share a few things with you guys  
I am demisexual, yet i also feel physical attracted to women meeting my desires. 
It's more an aesthetic, yet sexual attraction, leaving out anything else i am looking for in a person.


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