# How to deal with rude manager



## AriesLilith (Jan 6, 2013)

I guess that this is a common dilema for many employees... Unfortunately there are many of these out there and we don't always have the luxury to just walk away (and maybe we shouldn't).

Recently a new manager came in to our project and he has been... well, a bit hard to deal with. I rarely have problems with other people since I'm easy going, diplomatic and get my job done, but somehow it seems that he is getting more and more unpleasant with me. He would point out mistakes or blame me for not having done something he think I should (even thought I've been doing my job well and completing before deadlines), would often interrupt or lose focus when I explain certain things to him, and even raise his tone of voice speaking rudely when criticizing me.

He does criticize other team members but it seems worse on me. I didn't notice it much at first (I'm a bit oblivious to social clues and usually don't take things personally) but then some others commented that he seemed harsher to me. Being the only female in the development team I feel that I need to properly and eloquently defend myself, as I don't want to be a victim like a damsel in distress kind of image. Although I confess that I was never good at handling conflicts face to face, it stresses me and I'm afraid that I'd talk back too aggressively. That is why I often cease to respond after explaining things to no avail, but I'm afraid if this only makes it worse as he might feel that I'm weak enough to be bullied.

Since the world is not perfect, I need to deal with it professionally and learn how to defend myself. It's part of life after all. So being a developer, I'm interested in practical ways to handle this kind of situation. Any tips on this guys? I thought about sending him an email (diplomatic tone) but I'm not sure if it'd help.


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## VinnieBob (Mar 24, 2014)

i can relate
in every job i ever had the over seer seems to single me out
even though i make it a point to do my job more efficiently/quicker than anyone else i am singled out over the bad employees
when confronted by the supervisor i will go into spock mode and point out their flaws
tis a curse of the N's


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## niss (Apr 25, 2010)

When he adopts an over the top negative approach about something, ask him why he is handling the problem in this manner (raising his voice, etc.) Then ask him if there is some personal reason that he seems to be singling you out for these confrontations. 

Above all document, document, document. This strengthens your hand immensely, if it gets to that point.


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## sweetraglansweater (Jul 31, 2015)

AriesLilith said:


> I guess that this is a common dilema for many employees... Unfortunately there are many of these out there and we don't always have the luxury to just walk away (and maybe we shouldn't).
> 
> Recently a new manager came in to our project and he has been... well, a bit hard to deal with. I rarely have problems with other people since I'm easy going, diplomatic and get my job done, but somehow it seems that he is getting more and more unpleasant with me. He would point out mistakes or blame me for not having done something he think I should (even thought I've been doing my job well and completing before deadlines), would often interrupt or lose focus when I explain certain things to him, and even raise his tone of voice speaking rudely when criticizing me.
> 
> ...


DON'T send a dipolmatic email. It gives him the opprotunity to twist it and gaslight you and then on top of it, will be seen as "female weakness."

He is disrespecting you because he can get away with it and KNOWS it.

Best way is to nip it in the bud via public shame. Next time he humiliates you look at him in the eyes and make sure everyone sees and hears the following:* "I don't appreciate the tone in which you've become accustomed to using with me. I've performed my job on deadline but you repeatedly single me out and talk to me in a demeaning way. It's unprofessional, unappreciated, unwarranted and furthermore I don't know if you have a problem with me because I am a woman. I will be filing a report with HR after this meeting."*

But do this CALMLY, and FIRMLY in PUBLIC because then he cannot gaslight you. 

This kind of man will gaslight you and try to paint you as a hysterical woman, blah blah. Be a firm, cool cucumber (channel some Hilary Clinton cahounies) and own his futhafucking ass when he's being at his worst possible self. 

You can abbreviate or lengthen my suggestion but you get the idea...


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## sweetraglansweater (Jul 31, 2015)

Also, ask the people who have commented on him singling out to write down one-two sentence statements and have them signed. You will want them in the event he tries to gaslight HR.

This is an HR issue and if you don't have HR then you really need to grab this bull by the horns and nip it in the butt and put him in his place. This is like the handshake: grip it hard and let him know you will dislocate his fucking elbow.

Don't say "oh well but maybe he didn't mean to..." He did. And he's doing it because you are woman or he perceives you to be weaker.


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## g_w (Apr 16, 2013)

Vinniebob said:


> i can relate
> in every job i ever had the over seer seems to single me out
> even though i make it a point to do my job more efficiently/quicker than anyone else i am singled out over the bad employees
> when confronted by the supervisor i will go into spock mode and point out their flaws
> tis a curse of the N's


Methinks the curse is your N; the response is more your Te. :ninja:


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## VinnieBob (Mar 24, 2014)

g_w said:


> Methinks the curse is your N; the response is more your Te. :ninja:


yea, prolly
i make it a point to do my job 100% correctly
i'm probably one of the few employees to do so
plus they send me to clean up the other employees fuck ups
3 y/a my current manager called me into the office and literally nit picked
get this, ragged on me for arriving at work a half hour ahead of my start time and working off the clock
helping out other co-workers, he also has a tendency to put words in your mouth w/o letting you finish your sentence 
when he would do this i respond by saying '' stop, you had your say which i never interrupted now i will have my say uninterrupted''
after the 3rd time i said '' you need to act like an adult, unless you have mind reading capabilities you need to shut the fuck up,
i am quite capable of finishing my sentences on my own'' i spoke this with a cold look, calm voice to which shocked him


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## Laguna (Mar 21, 2012)

I work with developers right now. Thankfully- they are all really cool. Well mostly. There is one jerky one that sort of judges everyone that doesn't see things his way. I sort of use the stroke his ego / avoid him as much as possible approach. It works. But you are in a deeper situation. Plus you are INFJ. And you can possibly be reading more into his nastiness (not saying it isn't nasty. Certainly seems so!) But don't create an entire scenario inside your head of all the things this person really means or thinks of you. Don't give him that power over you to be inside your head. Please.

That said ---- I think a face to face is the only way you will get your power back from this guy. The only goal should be showing him that you have his number and that you don't tolerate mistreatment. Any other goal of that meeting will only muddy the water. You want to assert that respect is earned and bringing up the female thing I think IS appropriate. Seems he might be singling you out. Just make a point of it and don't dwell.

Also- ask him point blank (posing things as QUESTIONS is always a good idea. It forces the other person to explain their position and puts them in the vulnerable state instead of you.) Ask, "What would make our communication better? What do you think our disconnect is?" And state that you want to work well together with all coworkers, managers etc. That is why you are having the meeting.

DO NOT GET EMOTIONAL in this meeting. Pull your logic and J strength to their full throttle in this meeting. Show NO emotion. Do not give him that leverage against you. Good luck.


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## Laguna (Mar 21, 2012)

Another thing- is he YOUR manager? Or just a manager you have to work with? If you have an all-together different manager you officially report to--- time to rope them into this. That is their job.


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## ae1905 (Jun 7, 2014)

I don't think a public confrontation is a good idea...talking to him privately is a better way to go...even better is talking to your coworkers, first, and building consensus...that way you don't stand alone...once you have consensus, you can go to him with a united front and discuss your shared grievances in a calm and constructive way


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## AriesLilith (Jan 6, 2013)

Thank you guys for the opinions. I wish that I could be better equiped with the right answers in the right time, thought I need to learn to better handle sudden conflicting situations. If he goes overboard with his tone again I'll try to tell him in a calm manner that this is not an acceptable way of talking and I'd like to talk in a respectful manner. Hopefully it'll send a message (that I'm not an easy target) and it can defuse the situation.

He might not be exactly singling me out, but it seems that with me the tone is worse so I want to learn how to defend myself. Some team members actually helped me in a few situations, but I want to show a strong side too.



Laguna said:


> Another thing- is he YOUR manager? Or just a manager you have to work with? If you have an all-together different manager you officially report to--- time to rope them into this. That is their job.


I belong to an outsourcing company integrated in a client company's project. This manager belongs to the client company and manages the current project I'm in.

I guess that in the last case my company can integrate me to somewhere else so that I won't have to work with him, thought I prefer to learn how to handle this kind of things since even if it's rare it's still part of life.

In any case, this week I will meet my company's manager and I will be honest with what's happening. My company manager has been very understanding and nice so I might be able to have some useful advices dealing aith this kind of situation.


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## AriesLilith (Jan 6, 2013)

Vinniebob said:


> yea, prolly
> i make it a point to do my job 100% correctly
> i'm probably one of the few employees to do so
> plus they send me to clean up the other employees fuck ups
> ...


I need to learn some of these too. Actually I hate interruptions as it sends off a message that whatever the interrupted person said is not important at all. There were some times I got interrupted and in the end we still arrived to the same conclusion of what I was going to say anyways. So what I usually do is to continue talking even if being interrupted until I get the attention back, or disengage so the other person notices. Or ask if I can continue talking, with an assertive tone.


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## shameless (Apr 21, 2014)

Look I want to make clear I am not promoting or defending the way he is handling this situation.

I can say tho I think its counter productive to use the cushion of your co-workers present. Like I really believe it might have a very negative effect. I think he will think it weak of you. 

Ok so I think it also might be hasty to call on HR. Yeah I get he is being a dick really I do. But I think if you go above him without even directly talking to him it will back fire. You know one of the first things leadership teams assess with employee complaints in meetings when they review is whether the employee attempted to make their manager aware of their grievances directly. 

He might be being a dick. But this is still your career right. Its actually one place I can swallow some of my pride if I see it better for the long haul.

Not trying to undermine the advice you got here because I think it was all well intended. But protocol amd procedure wise your supposed to have addressed a grievance with a manager in an appropriate setting first. (Even if they are a dick). It does not justify him. But it is what is going to have you be taken more like a serious adult. Nothing makes a leadership team snicker more in a complaint review then someone who threw a tantrum. (Even if they may be right). 

If this is your career I strongly advise you do not address your manager in a combative manner. You can state a grievance in a direct non whiney yet not timid just direct fashion.

You telll him you would like to please speak to him. You ask for his time. (Yes thats right). You thank him for taking the time to listen. You address this behind a closed door. And then what you do is appeal to him. You tell him your getting the sense he seems displeased with your work. (yes you do this)... You ask if there is anything you can improve on. You then tell him you would like to improve. You thank him for his suggestions (even if you hate them or are already doing them, he is a no non sense person right so he does not want to hear you explain your self) but you can appeal to him. Listen after he answers what you can improve on. Then ask him politely if he could possibly be patient with you and let you know apart from the group any tips. See not confrontational in an argumentative form. You thank him for his time again. Yeah might suck. But its your career. Seriously being diplomatic will serve you far more then a stand against the man. Sorry but being a dick is not the most sturdy hr complaint. 

Now if he berates you again after you have that discussion then consider other actions. But the first response in a professional setting should not be to retaliate negative. Keep it positive. 

I am not telling you to ass kiss excessive. There is a way to stand your ground but doing it far more diplomatic is advised.


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## AriesLilith (Jan 6, 2013)

@Sensational you have pointed out what I actually reflected on as well - the impact on my career and how I'd be perceived by my real superiors (outside the project). This is also why I still haven't responded in any assertive manner, thought I ended up doing something else.

It seems that this manager perceived the team as doing a poor job because things are not going well and he only joined the team recently. So he might not have seen things in all perspectives and he might be critical towards us as he couldn't see how the lack of proper processes and management actually affected the results we delivered.

So I ended up raising that very issue with the whole team including the managers, pointing out how difficult it has been for all of us to carry on with our tasks due to lack of proper processes.

I feel that in this situation I had a few choices - I could either suck it up and ignore the unfair blames and rudeness ("meh, such is life"), or I could be assertive and it either ends the rudeness or worsen the conflict, or I could try talk to him alone and pointing out I'm not comfortable with rudeness or how he is not being fair, which he might not care because it wouldn't change his perception... Or I could raise awareness to what caused the situation and misunderstandings (lack of proper processes causing lack of decent results) and present possible solutions to improve it and therefore improving the team-management relationship.

Maybe if I can help fix this tricky situation then instead of being perceived as just another complainer that was affected by rudeness (which is part of jobs and life sometimes, and it's important to know how to deal with things maturely), I could actually be someone who took action to change things and work it out.
I also feel a bit tired of being part of the complaining crowd incapable of changing things and just waiting for others to do so. Is there really nothing we can do to change things? Is leaving the project like we always do the only solution? Maybe there is actually a way to work out things but we need to learn how to deal with people. @Sensational you mentioned "appeal to them", and while it might sound like liking boots, it's not necessarily like that and I also think that we can appeal and involve others to work with us without being a boot licker. Besides, boot licking to appeal would make them dismissive but approaching them and appealing to involve them while being assertive and diplomatic can actually make them more receptive to possible solutions suggested.
When I raised that issue I did get their attention and we talked about possible improvements. They said that there will be some improvements and asked what I want to see things changing. I'm planning to do more in depth analysis and see what can be done and then present them in hope it can improve the project processes.


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## Aladdin Sane (May 10, 2016)

It's infuriating that people like that get to management level. I just don't understand how people have patience for any of this bullshit. 'Real life' is a lot like high school.


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## shameless (Apr 21, 2014)

AriesLilith said:


> @Sensational you have pointed out what I actually reflected on as well - the impact on my career and how I'd be perceived by my real superiors (outside the project). This is also why I still haven't responded in any assertive manner, thought I ended up doing something else.
> 
> It seems that this manager perceived the team as doing a poor job because things are not going well and he only joined the team recently. So he might not have seen things in all perspectives and he might be critical towards us as he couldn't see how the lack of proper processes and management actually affected the results we delivered.
> 
> ...


AWESOME good for you, I believe that is only in your favor to show intiative and problem solving in this situation. Sounds like your situation will improve


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