# Is it still possible to be with her despite different degrees?



## The Poet (Oct 1, 2017)

I admire a Muslim girl of an ethnic background that does not tolerate dating at all and is very overprotective of their women and girls. But they generally allow talking in school. We can understand each other when speaking our parents' tongues due to our languages being similar, so i like to talk like that to be more comfortable. she responds back in her dialect. i guess you can say we're acquaintances, maybe. only problem is, once we leave the community college campus that last 3 years for me and 2 years for her, she's going to have a different major. a natural science, while i have a social science. she wants to become a doctor. i want to become an economist or a PhD biologist disproving evolution or at least studying genetics and evolutionary biology if i end up being proven wrong. but i fear disappointing my old economics professor who has become my mentor, and i fear unemployment if i cant get into grad school. or low pay. or less fulfillment, since ive always wanted to become an economist and only recently wanted biology (well, partially true, i was into zoology as a kid and obsessed over it as an aspie twice). 
i also want guaranteed employment and i did better with economics in school (high school) and sucked at lab in college and had to drop it. (granted the professor sucked)
what should i do? should i switch majors because of a girl? should i switch majors because i genuinely want biology? (actually come to think of it sometimes i feel pressured to join economics due to my mother, also, and dissuaded from biology due to my mother), or not because i dont study biology in my free time? or should i just stick with economics because of authenticity and because i can still see her? my main campus at my university has 30000 students, is it still possible to see her amongst all that crowd?


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## Rascal01 (May 22, 2016)

You need to sit down somewhere and figure this out. Taking advice provided on a public forum by people unknown is not a smart way to make serious life decisions.

You have two issues to address:

One is education followed by employment.

The other is the girl.

These sound like they could be very important in your future. Time to step up to the plate and make some choices.

I will offer you this... talk to the girl, even if you have to break a few rules. Tell her you are interested. See if she has any interest in you. That will help you figure the rest out for yourself.

Good luck.


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## The Poet (Oct 1, 2017)

Rascal01 said:


> You need to sit down somewhere and figure this out. Taking advice provided on a public forum by people unknown is not a smart way to make serious life decisions.
> 
> You have two issues to address:
> 
> ...


 well, I can contact her anyway, because I have ways of reaching her. I know people who know her, or people who know people who know her. Her ethnic group community knows each other in my community, so so long as you can find somebody from that community they can ask around, they're like a clan. they even have an ethnic community center. so marrying her is no problem. i just fear feeling lonely for two years in the last two years of college. perhaps i should bear for love, eh, @Rascal01 ? if i truly love her?


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## JayDubs (Sep 1, 2009)

1. Do not change your entire life plan for an acquaintance that you admire. Until/unless you have some sort of commitment or reciprocity (I don't know how your/her cultures handles that sort of thing), focus on your own life. There are other women in the world. This is different if there is actual commitment (engaged, married, kids, etc.). 

2. If you are trying to get into biology/genetics, I would keep the disproving evolution thing to yourself for awhile. Evolution is generally accepted by most in the scientific fields, so you'll need to build up some credibility before you start taking shots at it. It's the sort of thing that might ruin your reputation or prevent you from being accepted and getting positions. 

I'd add that evolution is pretty solid as a general concept. Our understanding of it will likely change over time (as it already has), but I don't see it getting wiped entirely. Just something to keep in mind if you're just looking to disprove it, as opposed to enjoying biology/genetics in and of itself. Not saying it couldn't happen, but it seems a long shot.


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## Rascal01 (May 22, 2016)

I spent years living and traveling in the Middle East. Our ways and your ways are often very different. I understand your need to work within your culture and belief systems.

We are hearing from you about your interests and desires, which is good. It helps us to better understand your position in this matter. At this point I believe I understand your love for her, and that you would like to marry her.

It also sounds like you have difficulty in being able to speak with her. It would seem reasonable to us in the western world to know that this young woman is interested in you, and would accept you as her husband. Is she aware of your interest and intentions? Does she have any interest in marriage?

Your being in college, finding love, and wondering whether to marry now or later, is a common situation. The question remaining is how does she feel about all of this? If she is willing to join you in marriage, and is also a student, the two of you should discuss how to proceed with your futures together.


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## The Poet (Oct 1, 2017)

Rascal01 said:


> I spent years living and traveling in the Middle East. Our ways and your ways are often very different. I understand your need to work within your culture and belief systems.
> 
> We are hearing from you about your interests and desires, which is good. It helps us to better understand your position in this matter. At this point I believe I understand your love for her, and that you would like to marry her.
> 
> ...


 she was aware that I intended to court her, because I brought it up before my mother and her friend warned me about how protective members of her ethnic group are, but when I did she brushed it aside saying she wasn't interested in boys and wanted to focus on her education. At the time she wanted to get an even more advanced degree. But she said this: "If it's (EDIT: Insert foreign word here), it can happen......" (If it's destiny....(we can marry) ) i assumed that was her saying she wasn't interested in talking about it at the moment, and that if I went through with it in the formal way and if she was interested in the future it could happen. Now that I look back, I think she was trying not to break my heart. My apologies @Rascal01


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## The Poet (Oct 1, 2017)

@Rascal01 ? EDIT: I was kinda expecting commentary since I was unsure myself.


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## angelfish (Feb 17, 2011)

Ah, now I understand the other thread. 

In my opinion, I do not think it is a good idea to switch majors for the girl. You have a well-thought-out plan for your personal life. You are skilled with economics and interested in it, and you have been consistently aspiring to it over a long period of time. On the other hand, a recurring interest in zoology doesn't really indicate that biology overall would be a good goal for your schooling and career. It sounds like your main motivation for considering it is only the girl. That is sweet but, I think, not a good reason to change your major. You're not going to be more attractive to her if she knows that you are potentially compromising your (and perhaps her) future.

That said, I don't think you should give up on her. I think you should talk to her if you can. Let her know you would like to meet with her sometimes if she's interested, or that you'd like to pursue things formally (whatever you think is the best strategy). Maybe you can meet periodically someplace sanctioned like the library. Her background may be restrictive, but if she is pursuing medical school by herself she must be a little progressive as an individual. 



The Poet said:


> when I did she brushed it aside saying she wasn't interested in boys and wanted to focus on her education. At the time she wanted to get an even more advanced degree. But she said this: "If it's (EDIT: Insert foreign word here), it can happen......" (If it's destiny....(we can marry) ) i assumed that was her saying she wasn't interested in talking about it at the moment, and that if I went through with it in the formal way and if she was interested in the future it could happen. Now that I look back, I think she was trying not to break my heart.


Sometimes, when a girl says she is not interested in boys at the moment, it really just means she is not interested in boys at the moment. I don't think you should take it personally unless she tells you she is specifically not interested in you.


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## Forest Nymph (Aug 25, 2018)

Ok. She's not interested in you or other boys. She wants to be a doctor. There's strong evidence she may be a moderate even a reform Muslim who brings feminist philosophy to Islam. I know a woman like that she wears head covering but loves LGBTQ people and is otherwise feminist. My observations of you is that you are VERY conservative because you've referenced Saudi Arabia.


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## The Poet (Oct 1, 2017)

Forest Nymph said:


> Ok. She's not interested in you or other boys. She wants to be a doctor. There's strong evidence she may be a moderate even a reform Muslim who brings feminist philosophy to Islam. I know a woman like that she wears head covering but loves LGBTQ people and is otherwise feminist. My observations of you is that you are VERY conservative because you've referenced Saudi Arabia.


 I'm not that conservative. trust me. the, VERY conservative people, as you describe, i know, and they get on my nerves......dont do this, dont do that, youre a sinner because of that, here's 5,000 messages with religious themes which you can't say no to cause im an elderly man. and if you complain it's to the point that you lash out so i disown you. i was going to use the sufi nur movement website based in turkey called questionsonislam.com, but it was quicker to find something from islamqa. And ill ask, how do we recycle americans or die?  (your end post) EDIT: and btw, im one of the few zionist muslims youll find....(despite the beliefs on questionsonislam.com) i actually recognize israel's right to exist in peace, which is a stretch, and actually wanted to visit israel (jerusalem, but not the east side necessarily) and whenever i find out someone's jewish in real life i always ask them a million questions


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## The Poet (Oct 1, 2017)

whoops...looks like I am too conservative......my shaykh in my mosque told me it was haram to talk to girls without dire necessity. (meaning unless you had to or outside of courtship to see if the other person was suitable for marriage)


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